# Jazz Junky (Working Title - Mild Drug Reference)



## Burroughs (Jan 5, 2015)

This is the first short story I have ever written. Scrap that, it's the first story proper story I have ever tried to write. I am deeply inspired by authors such as William Burroughs, Jack kerouac and Charles Bukowski. I'm completely obsessed with their free flowing creative style. I'm not fantastic at grammar. The story should be longer but I wanted to get some feedback. Feel free to judge.

Jazz Junky:

 I place the needle slowly down. The crackle of the vinyl spreads around my surroundings. The soft Jazz sound of Miles Davis begins to play. 

The four walls slowly start to close in pushing a different needle into my arm. 

Perched, whisky in one hand and needle in the other, I drift thinking of why I'm in this room once again. Wasted time, drifting, dreaming and slowly becoming what I needed to be come. Is time that I enjoy wasted? 

There is a knock at the door, but I'm not sure if I want to answer it. I slowly rise, I look into the peep hole, but I can't focus. I'm unsure if there was even a knock at the door, was it my imagination? 

I could feel the heroin running through my veins, a heavenly feeling drifted around my mind engulfing my senses. 

Am I at my happiest when i'm like this? I think I am, is that sad? I hear that damn knock once again. 

I rise from the pit around me, my god I need to clean my life up, get a job, get a wife. Ha! I sound like society, numb, dead, society."Society"! I scream, alone, no one hears me.

 Ignoring the door I sit back down. My mind starts to turn black and my eyes see only a haze, but a voice inside my head says to stay awake. Stumbling over to the kitchen, I use my none junk arm to open the fridge. 

When you first take heroin it's like the world lights up, your eyes can see, your mind can think and everything makes sense. A few months down the line, and your mind becomes jaded, stupid and reckless. You live your life pining for that next hit. 

There's nothing in the fridge, but that's for the best because it's hard to eat with heroin in your body. 

There's that knocking again. This time I decide that i'm going to open the door.I can't find the key. I eventually find the key, it's in my pocket, why didn't I look there first? 

Opening the door, slightly stumbling from the whisky (perhaps the heroin too), there's a little boy standing on my drive. The boy looks like me, me when I was younger. The boy, who was wearing a suit that was too big for him, asked if I had any interest in finding God.

"God?"

"Yes, God, Sir"

"And what God should I find?"

"What do you mean, Sir?"

"I mean what I say"

"Erm... Then I guess erm... Whichever God will help you, Sir"

I stare at the boy for what feels like the rest of my life. The boy, saying nothing, turns and walks off. 

He saunters down the drive. Again, he reminded me of myself, but what do I care. I close the door. I walk over to the kitchen, air and walls full of damp, mould is slowly being ingested into my mind. 

I love and need this house just as much as I hate it, one day I'll leave this place. I grab my whisky glass and fill it up, half with whisky and half with water.

 Now i've nothing left to do, so with the last ounce of heroin in my system, I sit back down and slowly drink the whisky and water. I wasted the rest of the day, not giving the boy, or God, another thought.


----------



## Plasticweld (Jan 6, 2015)

Very nice.  It is easy to see that Kerouac, has influenced your writing.  Great opening and hook for the reader.  Very different in that it sets the scene in a very sedate way in which you think it would almost be boring, but so well told it really draws you in.

The only thing that caught my eye was when you started your sentence with "You see," this some how seems out of place given the narrative style of the rest of it. 


Welcome to the forum and I am looking forward to reading a lot more of your work here...Bob


----------



## escorial (Jan 6, 2015)

enjoyed the read dude


----------



## Burroughs (Jan 6, 2015)

Thank you both very much for reading it, I really appreciate your kind words. I hope you got some enjoyment from reading it.

Plasticweld, I have changed the words you suggested, thank you. 

I've also added a few more sentences in order to finish the story off a little better.


----------



## Plasticweld (Jan 6, 2015)

Nice ending.  I like your style and pace..Bob


----------



## Burroughs (Jan 8, 2015)

Thank you! Any and all feedback is appreciated


----------



## CJ Tomlinson (Jan 11, 2015)

"Am I at my happiest when i'm like this? I think I am, is that sad?"

^That's just genius. 

On that same note, I like the continuous juxtaposition of incredible depth and meaning with bitter pointlessness and defeat. I can definitely see this working longer as well, a short story or perhaps even novella. 

I don't really like judging because I believe everyone has their own style for a reason, but I'll tell you one minor note (semi-pun foreshadowing) that kind of came to mind: 

Because of the title, I think it might be cool if you add in some more Jazz stuff, maybe using it as a metaphor for heroin, or as something to cling to as another escape, or something along those lines. Then again, it depends on what you want to do with it. But yeah, just a thought!

I also really liked the short interaction there, it pulls you in to his kind of view, the stilted, kind of off-beat and disconnected, and very much like you'd imagine he would feel. 

Dug it!


----------



## Burroughs (Jan 12, 2015)

CJ Tomlinson said:


> "Am I at my happiest when i'm like this? I think I am, is that sad?"
> 
> ^That's just genius.
> 
> ...



Thank you so much for this. I'm glad you liked the story, I was nervous to post my work. I love the idea of bringing in the Jazz part more. The title was a last minute creation for the purpose of posting it here. However, I will definitely revisit this and work on your suggestions.


----------



## Blade (Jan 13, 2015)

Overall I think this reads smoothly and connects together well. There are a couple of spots where a small 'i' should be a capital but otherwise the grammar and punctuation look good to me.

One little nit:



> Again, he reminded me of myself, but what do I care.



I stumbled on this sentence, the point was made and I found the repetition awkward and pointless.:sulkiness:

I found the subject material well described and interesting and would agree that it could well be expanded considerably beyond its present length. The jazz section could be elaborated as well as the encounter with the boy and maybe some reflection on the absurdity of the whole situation.:eagerness:

Good work. You should try more short stuff.:sunny:


----------



## HMCBHT (Jan 13, 2015)

Good read, guy. I can see the Bukowski in there. The only thing that caught my eye was when you said the boy at the door was "wearing a suit clearly too big for him"...I'd lose the "clearly" because it reads a little awkwardly. What I mean is that if something's too big, its too big. To me, "clearly" should be used in context like "she was clearly lying" or "the car had clearly just been washed". But that's just me, anal retentive to my death bed. Good story though bud I really enjoyed it


----------



## Burroughs (Jan 15, 2015)

> I'd lose the "clearly" because it reads a little awkwardly



Thank you for reading, I appreciate the feedback. I think you're right with regards to "clearly", I shall take that part out.



> I stumbled on this sentence, the point was made and I found the repetition awkward and pointless.



Thank you for reading. I'm glad you found some enjoyment from it. I think I will revisit the story at some point and add more. I will also take on board your point about the repetition.


----------



## aureliochavez (Jan 15, 2015)

well done it took me in to the apartment or house. I like it short story are cool


----------



## QDOS (Jan 17, 2015)

Having Jazz Junky as your title, I to think you could expand on the use of Jazz renditions as a background to your character. You portray well the arrogance of denial and moral decline brought about by alcohol and hard drug abuse. An excellent effort and thank you for sharing.
  [FONT=&Verdana]
Note: i’m accepted norm is to capitalise I’m even in mid sentence. [/FONT]
This sentence:[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana] _The boy, who was wearing a suit that was to big for him, asked if I had any interest in finding God._ - needs a slight change maybe: _The boy, who was wearing clothes far too big for him, asked if I had any interest in finding God._
  [FONT=&Verdana]
QDOS[/FONT]


----------



## Burroughs (Jan 25, 2015)

> Note: i’m accepted norm is to capitalise I’m even in mid sentence.
> This sentence: _The boy, who was wearing a suit that was to big for him, asked if I had any interest in finding God._ - needs a slight change maybe: _The boy, who was wearing clothes far too big for him, asked if I had any interest in finding God._
> 
> QDOS



Thank you for this! Appreciate your kind words with regards to the story as well.


----------



## zgbgwfs (Jul 27, 2015)

Nice read, am I picking up a shot at god in there?
not that I am judging or even care


----------

