# Brutus the Muscle Man (Short Flash Fiction. Request for critique.)



## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

Power






He's buff, he's strong, his name is Brutus the Muscle Man. Cheesiness is the first word that comes to mind when one hears of his nickname, but it's a worthy nickname. It was just two years ago when, in front of tens of thousands of spectators, they witnessed this man kill a mighty griffin, ten feet big with his bare hands. The griffin charged at him with ferocity, typical of such a beast. And Brutus grabbed it by the neck with his arms and broke it, tossing the body to the side like what you do to the thigh of a whore that you just banged. He shouted with his lungs. He roared. The sound seemed fiercer than that of a dragon's cry. The audience cheered for him, the emperor crowning him as the king of all the gladiators even though he, himself, is not an actual gladiator, but a mere spectator who wanted to show off.

This day, Brutus is leisurely eating on his table. Food is served by beautiful maidens coming from all corners of his house. This was made possible by the monetary gifts the emperor of Thrata has given him. He managed to afford to buy a big house and some servants. All is going well for him. He eats with greed and derives pleasure from every bite. This is the prize in being a one man-army under the wealthy nation of Thrata. No one can threaten his pleasurable way of living, at least not that he knows of.

A powerful wizard lives in a hut just outside of the garrisoned city that is Thrata. Today he is brewing a potion. It is an anti-aging potion. He boils blue liquid from a pot two feet in diameter. As it boils, he adds sliced carrots. He stirs. And then he adds some scaly dragon skin. He stirs again. For the final ingredient, he adds the blood of a young woman, whom he had been killed by his bandits. He has been using this ingredient for quite some time. He is four-hundred years of age, but his appearance is that of a forty-year old. For years he has killed dozens of young women for their blood, as is required by the ingredients of his immortality potion. But now, he wants more. He plans to grab a hold of the blood of a legend, Brutus, and use it to make himself more powerful. Drinking the potion that he can make, he can become as strong as Brutus himself.

The wizard and his hired bandits are in the house. There are five them. Fim, Brock, Broly,Gert, and Hal. These five bandits carry with them daggers that they have used to kill many an honest citizen. “We strike at night, when everyone is tired!” said the wizard. “You all know where he lives, right?” “We do, sir Dante.” says Broly. “Then at night, we go to his house, kill his guards, and kill him. I will be there to grab his blood...

It's afternoon. Brutus is exercising. He racks the magical barbell that looks to be a hundred and thirty five pounds but truly weighs three grand, and squats it. He goes down slowly, his thighs shaking, and then, he pushes back up, his thighs shaking even more. It was accompanied by a grunt. He succeeded, and then he puts back the weight on the magical squat-rack that can handle weights of up to five tons. He does this almost everyday, though not always as heavy. Tomorrow, he shall attempt to kill a dragon with his bare hands. It will be the first time. The people are anxious to see it.

It hits night time. Brutus goes to his house and had his two most beautiful female servants join him into sleep. He had them undressed, their bodies exposed to his lustful hands. He enjoys them before sleeping...

Midnight starts. The bandits infiltrate Brutus's house with their swords at hand, ready to kill the man. There were no guards and the wizard and the bandits got in undetected. Fim, a lockpicker, picked the locks of Brutus's house. And they all managed to enter quietly. The other servants are in their chambers,  sleeping quietly, not knowing the terror that is just outside. “Fim, you come with me.” the wizard says. “The rest of you, loot and pillage, but be quiet!” The four bandits then wandered the corners, and they all stumbled upon a room with two sleeping beauties. The four covered the maidens' mouths and ravaged them. The wizard and Fim got into the second floor. They are now standing at the door of Brutus's room. Now is the moment. The wizard can kill him and take the blood for himself on his big bottle. Fim then picked the lock of the room, and slowly opened it. Once opened, the tall figure that is Brutus greeted the eyes of the villains. “Thieves? What are you?” Brutus grabbed the skinny neck of Fim and snapped it with one hand. The wizard panics and runs away, but trips in the process, falling off the stairs hitting his head and dying...
​(To be continued)


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## escorial (Oct 4, 2013)

_ get the feeling your writing every word with imagery flying about your thoughts _


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

What do you mean? I'm not too familiar with such terms yet.


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## escorial (Oct 4, 2013)

your trying to to express so much in short bursts..it's like 4 chapters rolled into one.


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

Isn't that what a flash fiction is all about? lol.


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## escorial (Oct 4, 2013)

If the pace is what you aim for then yes you do flash so much in a small piece..it's like the title Brutus but it could have 3 or 4 titles regarding the story line.


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## Blade (Oct 4, 2013)

I just have to comment on your choice of the hero's name. 'Brutus' is solidly identified in western pop culture as the mortal enemy of cartoon character _Popeye_ the sailor. A scruffy, muscle bound character who competed with _Popeye_ for the affections of the squeaky stick girl _Olive Oyl _and lost every time.

I think for all older readers your portrayal is going to fall prey to the more infamous thug figure of yesteryear. Just find an old Popeye cartoon on YouTube with _Brutus (_or _Bluto) _and you will immediately grasp the problem.:bomb::hypnotysed:


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

So you're saying the character is too cliche?


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## Blade (Oct 4, 2013)

ViKtoricus said:


> So you're saying the character is too cliche?



Not the character, the name. At one time _Popeye et al _was as popular, roughly, as _Mickey Mouse et al _and later became popular fare in early children's TV.

I would say the name is 'taken' in the sense that it is imprinted in the public mind, over 2 or 3 generations, with one specific character. It would be like writing a Western novel and calling your hero_ John Wayne._:-k


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

So, if I picked a different name, let's say "Kilgore", or "Jared", how do you think my short novel is doing? Is it good? Bad? What?


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## shadowwalker (Oct 4, 2013)

I wouldn't worry about the name. Most people think of Bluto and Popeye, since Brutus was only around very, very briefly. I personally didn't recognize the name from Popeye. As to the piece itself, there's an awful lot of "tell", almost like reading a calendar or date book. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to like the guy or not, and I didn't really care one way or the other. In flash fiction especially, you have to grab the reader's attention immediately and hold it like a bull-rider; you just don't have time to pull them into the story like you would a longer piece.


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## Sunny (Oct 5, 2013)

Hi VIKtoricus. 

I liked this story. I thought it was funny. 

You did go back and forth between present and past tense quite a bit. It was a little hard to follow along with the same mood and emotion that I had felt in the beginning. When your story goes from past to present tense, it pulls me _your reader_ out of it. 

You are clearly good at telling a fun and exciting story. Although, I'd like to see you add more details into your writing. I'm not sure of much about the surroundings. It would be nice to know what the weather felt like. How did he like eating that food served to him by beautiful women. I got a lot of your outside world _told _to me. You mentioned it began with midnight, but maybe you could _show _me it was midnight by the surroundings? The sky was dark and the stars were bright. The moon hidden behind the overgrown trees? Same as the earlier paragraph with afternoon. Show me afternoon if you can. When Brutus' thighs are shaking from the hard squats, maybe you could give a glimpse into Brutus and how that pain _feels_. 

I didn't get to know your main character and therefor it's hard for me to care about him. Some inner thoughts perhaps? I think adding in a few descriptives would really help this story. Inner characterization goes a long way. I read a story to feel like I'm in the world that author created, not just to sit and have a story told to me. Do you know what I mean?  

I was surprised that you killed the villain off so quickly. I thought there may have been a really big showdown between the two of them. Maybe you could add something in? 

Anyway, it was enjoyable to read. I liked your story. I think it's fun and I smiled a lot. 

Thanks for posting this.


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 5, 2013)

Thank you everyone.


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