# Designated Survivor



## Firemajic (Oct 17, 2016)

*I teetered on a ledge of indecision
searching for a way back to you
breathlessly I plunged without wings
grief unchained earthbound no more
then crashed to the desert floor

My vision fading to vacant
blinded by dead star dust
I thought I would see you at last
but you jumped a long time ago
your memory seduced me

There are no more tomorrows
I used them all today
for one last chance at yesterday 
in that euphoric second above the desert floor
your face enchanted me

There was no other way back to you
so I surrendered today
I tried to survive clinging to my lonely ledge
but I lost my grip and could not stay
the sand looked so soft and far away 

*


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## Thaumiel (Oct 17, 2016)

Nice piece, but since I never crit anyone these days I'll pick on a mentor... 

Verse 1 Lines 3+4: breathlessly plunged, but earthbound no more... I got a bit jumbled at the idea of falling upwards. Is it meant to be you falling and grief rising? That would make more sense but I didn't read it that way.

Verse 2 Line 3: I think changing "I would" to "I'd" would fit the way the first two lines read.

I also noticed you've stuck to five lines per verse but I'd suggest lengthening verse 3 and shortening verse 4 by splitting V3L4 and combining V4L1+2 into on sentence. Though doing that would require a comma and would seem outplace in the piece so you could probably ignore that suggestion.

*in that glorious second 
above the desert floor

**There was no other way back to you, so I surrendered today


*​And thus ends the lesson on why I don't crit.


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## ned (Oct 18, 2016)

hello - enjoyed reading this journey into the depths of heart-break

and yes, the directions and concepts are a little jumbled, but for me,
this underlines the confusion and despair of the narrator and serves the tone of being lost.

I feel the opening might have more impact, with a little-bitty change-
I teetered on A ledge of indecision
searching for A way back to you - - makes things less certain. perhaps,

there are no more tomorrows
I used them all today - - love this word-play

and the desolate desert imagery suits the mood well.

cheers..........Ned


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## Firemajic (Oct 18, 2016)

James, I appreciated your thoughts... I struggled to express my emotions and this poem fell flat [ pun not intended.. ]I worked hard to bring order to my internal chaos and to share my emotions but it feels impossible... Thank you for reading and commenting...

ned, I made some changes... Thank you... I realize this poem needs a lot of work... I appreciate your critique...


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## RHPeat (Oct 18, 2016)

Firemajic

Sounds like the story of Icarus. That's what happens when you fly to close to the heat; you lose your wings. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## escorial (Oct 18, 2016)

there is always a fragility in your work that often makes me avoid reading again but i do return because i like that...


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 19, 2016)

Hey Julia,

I really enjoyed your final stanza. The final two sentences really made the poem shimmer. 

Thanks for sharing!


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## DATo (Oct 19, 2016)

Powerful, and tremendously engaging.

I found myself reading this poem as a construction of couplets. Normally we think of rhyming couplets in a poem such as found in Alexander Pope's _The Rape Of The Lock,_ but in this instance I noticed a coupling of statements such as the first and second line of stanza 1; followed by the coupling of third and fourth line; and then the last line stood alone in summation so-to-speak.

For instance:

Stanza 1

*I teetered on a ledge of indecision - A
searching for a way back to you - A
breathlessly I plunged without wings - B
grief unchained earthbound no more - B
then crashed to the desert floor - C

My vision fading to vacant - A
blinded by dead star dust - A
I thought I would see you at last - B
but you jumped a long time ago - B
your memory seduced me  - C

The third stanza departs from this trend
There are no more tomorrows - A
I used them all today - A
for one last chance at yesterday - A**
in that euphoric second above the desert floor - B
your face enchanted me - B

It resumes with the fourth stanza
There was no other way back to you - A
so I surrendered today - A
I tried to survive clinging to my lonely ledge - B
but I lost my grip and could not stay - B
the sand looked so soft and far away - C
**
Excellent poem! Thank you for sharing!*


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## Firemajic (Oct 20, 2016)

RHPeat said:


> Firemajic
> 
> Sounds like the story of Icarus. That's what happens when you fly to close to the heat; you lose your wings.
> 
> ...






Right.... self destruction in the act of reaching for something beyond my grasp is very alluring... we always think we can beat the odds... I remember that story, RH Peat... Thank you for reading and commenting...

Escorial, it is always a pleasure to read your comments, thank you..

Daniel, Thank you so much for your comment, I appreciate.. 

DATo... I appreciate your careful and thoughtful critique and comments, seeing my poem the way you broke it down, made me realize why I was not satisfied with stanza 3... it "felt" different and I did not realize why... I have much to learn, and that is exciting! So, I completely appreciate your insight... Thank you..


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## SilverMoon (Oct 20, 2016)

Juls (it feels like forever) This poem, like so many others, leaves my heart doing the solo dance in some kind of impossible deep well. These are where your words, your gift, leave me. There is so much beauty to be gotten from sadness and you always draw her out. 

More than being clever, these two lines are unforgettably complex. They bleed exquisitely. And they took my breath away.  



> * There are no more tomorrows
> I used them all today*



What composer could compose music for this line? Only a brilliant one.



> *the sand looked so soft and far away *




All I can say is thank you. Your poetry never fails to reach me, powerfully.  Laurie


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## Firemajic (Oct 21, 2016)

Thank you SilverMoon... I appreciate your compliments..


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