# I keep dropping things.



## dither (Apr 10, 2019)

Okay,
here goes nothing xXx:

Where to begin? Well? With a view to maybe adding to this over time, damn you Viner with your " life reporting " I shall kick this off with a snapshot of me and my life. Who what and where , in life terms, I find myself right now.

I stress. I obsess. And I get so worked up sometimes over the most trivial of occurrences. Real life dramas, catastrophes, disasters even, I seem to manage quite well. It's the little things that get me down. Take yesterday. Oh god, yesterday.

Having risen from my bed awake fully awake for an hour or so and after consuming the "must have" hot strong cup of tea with the equally "must have" coffee chaser I felt ready to make a start, preparing food for my dinner and packed lunch. And that's when it turned bad. Really bad.

I'd got a half-used bag of Brussel sprouts in the fridge. I did mention that it was a packet half-used didn't I? As in packet already open? I knew that of course. But when I reached into the fridge and picked up the packet, they spilled out over the kitchen floor, and all hell broke loose.

" You dirty, filthy, fuckin bastards." I railed. "Why are you doing this? It's sheer fuckin spite, WHY? WHY? WHY? I want to shame them, embarrass them, make them wish they'd never been produced,cultivated grown whatever. Can you believe that? And then I turned on myself. "What is wrong with you?" I raged. "Jesus ephing christ". I wanted to scream and then I wanted to cry. 

"Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry." Words from the old 10cc track.

Today, earlier this afternoon, I spilled a mug of coffee and a tirade of abuse, first against that fucking stupid ignorant self-absorbed mug, and then against myself.

I've often thought about my mental state and what may or may not be going in my head. No I'm not looking to pin a label on myself, but I repeat , WHAT is wrong with me. A tendency to obsess, isn't that an OCD thing? I don't know. Is it that spectrum thing? Aspergers? Again, I don't know. And if it is something of that kind, what is a person to do? There isn't a cure. Talking to someone? Counselling? Yeah right. Maybe I'm just old but I'd give anything to spend a weekend or three heavily sedated. Just to stop the world and get off sometimes. Have a break, from thinking, and feeling. Thoughts and emotions. Years ago , I went through a phase of abusing sleeping pills. I can't remember how it felt to be totally out of it. That's the whole point I suppose but I look back on the memory fondly. Brings that old hippy quote to mind, " If you can remember the sixties,you weren't really there, man."

And so it goes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And on a lighter note:

I finally got my arse into gear and called my isp about my internet problems. The bottom line being, that I am to leave my router switched on for twenty four hours so they can monitor it. To see if it is in fact a router-fault. I hate leaving electrical things switched on all night, especially when I'm at work.

We shall see.


----------



## Plasticweld (Apr 10, 2019)

A peek into the skull of Dither.  I have no idea what makes you tick, I guess you don't know either.

We are polar opposites. My guess is that you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has ever heard me raise my voice in anger in the last 25 years.  I can't remember ever losing my temper, though I have been pissed off over a few things, aggravated would be a better description. 

When I was a young guy I remember being really upset over something that happened in school, it was about some class that I either wanted to take and couldn't or being put in one I did not want.  I remember being pissed and could not get the problem out of my head.  I realized that the problem was getting the best of me an vowed to never let something like that ever happen again.  It was a conscious choice and one I had to work on, but today, I roll with the punches that life gives me. 

When I was first married I worked in a garage rebuilding engines, the guy I worked with had a horrible temper. He threw things, swore. I remember thinking that I never ever want to be that guy, I am not. 

I make a point of doing something very simple, you might want to give it a try.  That time when I trip and fall, when I stumble and bang my head, stub my toe, bang my knee...you get the idea. I make a point to never swear or get mad.  I make a point of not letting something like this ever beat me or get the best of who I am. 


When you learn to handle the little mishaps in life, the bigger ones don's seem so bad. 

 I am happy every day, maybe I need to be examined.  You might be the normal one...me the freak.


----------



## dither (Apr 11, 2019)

No, I'm the freak PW.
Me and however many there are in this world just like me. I can't be the only totally screwed up person in this god forsaken world.
It would be easy to play the victim here. I prefer to think of myself, if I DO think about it, more, or rather, as a casualty.
Lol! A victim then, you might think, but no, I don't think so.
Again, it would be easy to lay  blame, point a finger, if blame is the right word, on others. Life even.
We are all, if not formed, significantly influenced, by our upbringing. I think I was severely damaged by mine. Irreparably so. But then, I am  weak, one of life's failures, I know that.
Had I been a farm animal, a dog even, I 'd have been put down within days of my drawing breath. Might even have died without intervention.
Anyway, whatever, I shall endeavour to add certain perspectives to this and see where it goes.


----------



## Plasticweld (Apr 11, 2019)

Dither, I find you fascinating because I have no idea why I am the way I am.  What makes you- you- and me- me, is a mystery in many ways.   Having raised kids and coon hounds I was always amazed at how distinct their personalities were when they were young.  Was it genes or environment.  Common sense says from observation that genes play more of role than environment. 

As for you being down on yourself.  I make a point when I hire people to be very different than me.  Their perspective their difference is life experience is always a plus in business and brings a strength to it.  



We are all have different talents and weaknesses.  You are good at many things I am not.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 11, 2019)




----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 11, 2019)

It would be interesting to know what would happen if you didn't get up and fill your system with caffeine. Probably you would get a nasty headache for the first couple of days, it is pretty addictive, but if you weaned yourself off with weak tea and orange juice … ? Being an addict can affect your whole life and outlook.


----------



## SueC (Apr 11, 2019)

Dither, I have found that most of the characteristics that people think they see in me, are really just general assumptions because of a physical characteristic. I was born with a head of thick, curly red hair, and so (even in childhood), everyone assumed I had a fiery temper. Throughout my teen years, I never felt I could express even justifiable anger, because of this assumption. If I tried to defend myself, it was to no avail, because everyone already knew the truth about redheads. No one has ever seen a fiery temper in me, but that didn't seem to matter. All redheads are always fiery, right? To this day, I still stuff anger, I'm still afraid to show it, and one day I'll simply explode. 

Then there is my height. I am tall at 5'9 and today in a crowded apartment elevator, a man turned to me and said, "did you play basketball?" Everyone turned to look at me.

"No," I said over my glasses.
"Ever play volleyball?" _No._
"Golf?"

If I told him I had a Phd in literature, it wouldn't matter. (I don't) His look said it all - A tall woman should play a sport or something. Her very height makes her obligated, otherwise the height is just a waste!

I guess my point is, Dither, that we make assumptions about ourselves too. We think if we drop stuff at a most inconvenient time, there must be something wrong with us. And that is probably just a wrong as saying all redheads are fiery, and all tall women MUST have played some kind of ball.

*Dither sad: No I'm not looking to pin a **label on myself, but I repeat , WHAT is wrong with me.
*
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with me - we are cool.​


----------



## ellisael (Apr 12, 2019)

Plasticweld said:


> As for you being down on yourself.  I make a point when I hire people to be very different than me.  Their perspective their difference is life experience is always a plus in business and brings a strength to it.
> 
> 
> 
> We are all have different talents and weaknesses.  You are good at many things I am not.



Wow this is worth framing. I also ensure that when i collaborate, i do so with people who are complementary rather than merely similar.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 12, 2019)

first, my apologies.
obligations are over the top at the moment.
april(s) seem to get more so each year.
gimme a minute,
i'll be back here.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 12, 2019)

please consider a less public space.
one of the mods may be able to relocate this thread.

*next, if you become aware
that you are processing
harming yourself
or
another living being/concrete representation of abstract symbol
establish contact with an intervention specialist.
(directly and/or indirectly)
*
i am not that.
*i am just another person* that does things differently
than many people.

premise 1:
*mental wellness* is my focus
not mental illness

premise 2:
there are *many frameworks*
(which are tools)
to help an individual
explore
what is/is not working for them

premise 3:
*you are your own expert*
you have your own set of symbols,
experiences, preferences, etc.
if you feel you are struggling,
then making some changes
may be helpful.

*Feedback-*
some lifestyle constructs
are difficult to implement
due to *mismatch *of factors
for instance:
a person that has no lived experience
working overnight
for an extended period of time
may not be able to imply
things unspecified.
-been there, done that, 
really difficult for many people to understand

*-question*
how do you describe your most basic daily routine?
which areas many people describe as normal/desirable
do not match with your experience?
for instance:
eating lunch at midnight
and dinner at 6am

take a look at these words<-link
as you are able
see if any of them seem to resonate with you


dither said:


> Okay,
> here goes nothing xXx:
> 
> I finally got my arse into gear and called my isp about my internet problems. The bottom line being, that I am to leave my router switched on for twenty four hours so they can monitor it. To see if it is in fact a router-fault. I hate leaving *electrical things switched on all night*<unattended>, especially when I'm at work.
> ...


i am uncomfortable with that as well.
i reframe based on the level of responsibilty
i was raised with AND the benefit of resolving
a sandpaper-style-inconvenience.
be relieved it did not take 72 hours.
do you have an answer regarding your router?


*remember i am not making light of your experience in any way.*

*if we were engaged in conversation*,
or i were in physical proximity of you,
i would respond with some variation of this:

thank you for doing regular gravity checks.
it reduces my personal checklist.
gravity is my friend.
without it we would all be sucked into space.
i am uncomfortably unprepared for that
based upon my understanding of it.
keep up the good work,
and let someone know if your results change.


i would also suggest that *blame* is a really charged word.
i weary of finger pointing.
exploring a possible source of your discomfort may be helpful.
the name you use as a working label
may need to change as you discover more.
many people find that deciding a thing is to blame
concludes the need for exploration
and/or reframing.
(*victim* is very layered)
(this may take a while to untangle
in a way that self-sustains)

as to feeling a *need to lash out/externalize internal*:
for now
i might suggest a soft style ball
that you may literally kick.
i might suggest a sharpie
to add specific ideas that emerge
as you *act on *the ball.
for example:
vending machines that eat my money
people that don't make eye contact with me
forgetting to renew my <whatever>

as your data set grows
you will see things begin to group

some things will be easy to address.
getting rid of sandpaper can be quite satisfying

k.
pm with question, concern, etc.
cautiously progressive.

ps
*thot on progressive positive creation:*
i frequently pass a wall upon which ivy grows.
the caretakers periodically strip back new growth.
when i walk past this wall i check for change in my pocket.
i put one coin between the wall and the vine
away from areas i have seen stripped.
i do this regardless of season.
last year when the leaves fell off
a huge section of the wall
glimmered with my leaves.
it was kewl!

_*just so you know*
*there will be at least one interruption*
*of one hour*
*in my day today*
*weekend access is tricky for me*_


----------



## Kevin (Apr 12, 2019)

I'm often entertained by my antics. Probably you can't laugh at yourself but face it- people are funny. 

I do give them ( people; me) a break, now.  I mean... who the hell am I , MisterPerfect? Far from it.

So, I give myself a break, and also I don't break things like coffee mugs, or toasters, or coasters, or whatever else I may feel needs an immediate frisbee into the next county, however beautiful that arc may be, because in my state- that state of upset- the damn thing is more likely to fly (be thrown) right into the one thing I didn't want it to.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 13, 2019)

it _was_ your router?
or was that a _blip/fail_?
monday check back
-xXx-


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

Actually, I'm wondering if my faulty moniter is giving my gear a headache. Am posting in short bursts here between the fizzing and popping. My feeling right now is to give it all up and walk away. So if I DO stop posting you'll know why. If there is ever a chance of setting up with a tablet I might just do that but I know who to ask for help.


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

-xXx- said:


> please consider a less public space.
> one of the mods may be able to relocate this thread.
> 
> *next, if you become aware
> ...




xXx,
that's a lot to take in all at once.

As far as self-harming goes, I'm total wimp. I couldn't do that to myself and really don't get that. Why DO people self-harm?
Suicide, yes, I see the point, and, if I was ever lucky enough to live somewhere like Eastbourne , I think I might find what ever it takes, within me me to take that leap. But since there are no high cliffs nearby, I don't see it happening.

Strike out? Me? That's not me, AT all.

I'm a sponge for shame disappointment and disillusion, I just suck it all up.
And like goes on.


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

Premise 1,
I think that I might have a situation there.

Premise 2,
Too much effort. Like my computer/internet problems, I rather just throw the towel in. Yes really.

3,
It all seems pointless.

I'm sorry but there it is.


----------



## bdcharles (Apr 14, 2019)

Sprouts are little ****s though.


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

bdcharles said:


> Sprouts are little ****s though.




bd


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

This whole business with my computer problems, pretty much ALL my problems actually, boils down to my reluctance, inability, down right refusal if you like, to let people into my life. So many situations exist right now because there is no-one I can talk to.
I've thought about this a lot and never more so than when I walked to and from my local Aldi store earlier. You can't take without giving and I struggle with giving. Friendship is a two way thing.That makes me one selfish human being I suppose. Selfish? Or scared...Of betrayal perhaps? There is an element of trust in there, or rather a lack of, I think. Also, I don't like dipping into my pocket or ,  more importantly, my heart. "My heart", jeez! Where did THAT come from? I really am looking into myself here. I hate to admit this but we all need people in our lives, and I have none. How many simple problems are solved by having a "friends network"? 
My ageing doors, front and back. I can't take a bath because the cold tap hasn't worked for a couple of years now and why? Yeah, you guessed it. I don't know who to ask. 

We shall see I suppose.


----------



## dither (Apr 14, 2019)

I'm beginning to worry about my ageing:

I'm being urged, not by my employer I might add, to plan, make decisions, uncomfortable decisions about my retirement and I'm not enjoying this at all. Officially I have about eighteen months to go. I must admit that I often think about how I would like to call it a day, finances permitting, but it's the letting go. The finality of it. I'm finding it all a bit worrying. We often read articles about local initiatives being set up to help and encourage older people to get out, meet up, social events. Attend classes, learn to use the internet, I wonder why I chose THAT one,:-" dances even. So where are they? But STILL, I'm not looking for socialising. I just need to find organisers who can point me in the direction of helpers, advisers. That's all. I'm willing to pay for their time. Then just leave me the hell alone. Not the nicest person in the world am I.


----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 15, 2019)

> I'm beginning to worry about my ageing:


There really is no problem, it will happen without you worrying about it 

Seriously, stay right away from all that social worker organised stuff, you don't need it. My experience is there is more to do when you retire than you can manage anyway, the garden needs doing, the kitchen ceiling needs painting, just stuff. If you want things to do you want to do rather than others want done there are all sorts of things to join, yes, but don't join the old folks version, it's much more fun if you are the oldest one there. Not only are the others more lively and interesting, they tend to give you respect instead of you just being another of the 'old people'. Even ballroom dance groups, who would yo rather dance with? A 72 year old or a 27 year old? Who cares if the 27year old is not so expert? Not me


----------



## dither (Apr 15, 2019)

Chromosomes, and other stuff:

One of the abiding memories of my teen years at school was constantly hearing teachers harping on about posture. I can almost hear my old P.E. teacher chastising some poor unfortunate as I type, " stand up stray boy " he'd command, or should the be demand? "Stop slouching". He was always so cheerful, bright and breezy, and so fit of course. Who needs it? Well? We did I suppose. And only now, this morning, as I set out for my bus to go shopping, did I realise and appreciate the importance of what he was trying tell us.

Often, when I've had a couple of night's sleep at the weekend, and am setting out for the Monday shop, I find myself thinking about not only WHERE I am, but HOW I am. When I left home this morning a cold sun was shining in a clear watery-blue sky and a wind was blowing. Not exactly gale-force but it WAS, to say the least, bracing. And that alone had me straightening my back and my line of vision. Then, I found myself thinking about my general health and fitness. I've heard so many stories over the years how many of my contemporaries have suffered with their health. Some having died early, too too early and yet, here am I, with shopping-list backpack and tote-bag in attendance, heading out to an Asda store some five or six miles away to load myself up with supplies and haul them back in readiness for the start of another week. And what a week.

I KNOW, for sure, that there are people out there, half my age,who would not even contemplate going through what I do every night just to GET to work. Let alone DO my job.They just wouldn't. It's not for the faint-hearted. So there, I've said it. I must have something about me. Health, strength, stamina, and above all, I think, resilience.I have a job to do, a wage to earn, and I soldier on doggedly. I get it done. Okay, I might not be the most produtive worker there but I keep going and they keep on paying me, there is no room for jockeys, and I DO wonder about that.

How much longer can I go on? How much more can this old bod take? I try to look after myself, I eat well I think. I DO cut loose at the weekends with the booze but I'm no sot. I enjoy a mug or two but really is it. Not so much with a view to living a long life but to just help my body see out the rest of my working life which, ironically, probably, will contribute to a longer healthier life and that IS a worry. When you're young and healthy, with no obvious cause or concern regarding life expectancy, it all seems so easy doesn't it but now, as I seem to be striding through my sixties, coasting almost, without getting into any sort of a lather. It looks as though my card is marked for a long one, it's all in the genes I suppose, chromosomes and whatever else. You might say that I've been lucky but I HAVE been cautious. Never the one for taking chances, but at my age there are so many things that could strike me down at a minutes notice and that scares the hell out of me.

How many times have we heard of people saying " it was such a shock, he was as strong as an ox. The life and soul..." More often than not nowadays I find myself nodding off on the bus coming home in the mornings and I can understand a bus-driver's reluctance to disturb me from my slumbers. Maybe one of these days... I rather like that thought and maybe, just maybe. I'm smiling now.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 15, 2019)

my apologies at the delay.

some dawgs took down one of my preferred accesses today.

consider this a pseudoinlieuof rep(s) response.

I now stand by the thought that you have much to say even more.

your language is the language of a writer,
rich and full.

what is it like to work nights?
as an introvert, certain aspects may seem to be a good fit.
hopefully those you interact with at work
you have some commonality with.
this is an area where your experience
can really broaden other's understanding.

pops and snaps are, well, just a thing.
i'm looking forward to your next installment.
maybe your equipment will cooperate.

"I'm smiling now."
me too!


----------



## dither (Apr 16, 2019)

xXx,
I've had router problems all day. It's working at the moment. I don't know when my next bill is due but when it comes I shall probably cancel. I can't handle disruption.


----------



## -xXx- (Apr 17, 2019)

_*starts building satellite out of paperclips*
*discarded 2 liter bottles*
*and a lego kit*
*a really gooooood lego kit*_


----------



## Winston (Apr 21, 2019)

Sorry, late to the party.  I was out of town.

dither, I really like the fact that you swear.  I think more people should.  Not as a crutch, or as a substitute for proper grammar. Sometimes it just makes sense.
Keeping stuff in is never good.  If you feel good, show it.  If you feel frustrated, vent.  If you feel like swearing, you probably should.  
You swing away at life until your knuckles bleed.  She swings back.  The bell rings.  Then it's another day.  

I bang myself up at work fairly regularly. Luckily, I work mostly alone and can let the expletives rip. I hear it releases endorphins or some such nonsense.  

Celebrate the wins, bitch about the losses.  Keep being genuine.
(Just focus more on the former.  I'm betting there is more good around you than you see.) 
And keep swinging.


----------



## ppsage (Apr 21, 2019)

This is posted (properly I submit) in a critique board, but I don't really see that it needs much at this point. Maybe use the advanced box to check over for missing and (spell-checker) changed words. Just to get the habit. All I really want to say is that I'm reading these with interest. I find them worthwhile if still a bit preliminary and if to be writing is the purpose, then I'd suggest that slowly building up word-count-muscles is the immediate goal. I will keep reading the entries as they appear.


----------



## dither (May 22, 2019)

That's one helluva compliment ppsage. 
Trouble is, I'm one very tired old man nowadays and very little gets the juices flowing.
Confidence and courage would be a start.

Also,
I'd hate to churn out a load of rubbish, that is what most of my attempts are anyway. I do want to try though, really I do.

Thanks for the post ppsage.


----------



## Ma'am (May 24, 2019)

I recommend getting rid of all the furniture and just staying on the floor because you can't really drop things then, or not very far anyway. Also, people are complicated so getting a cat might be better, as a starting place at least. Your kitty always loves you. Or when it doesn't, it's funny. Damn, why am I not a life coach?  :tongue2:


----------

