# Alembic's Wizard-Lizard (825w, adult content)



## Pluralized (Nov 28, 2014)

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## Plasticweld (Nov 28, 2014)

I am always amazed at the fine details and images you portray in your writing.  Not only good visuals but a very complete background of information that adds so much depth to the story.  Thanks for sharing...Bob


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## midnightpoet (Nov 28, 2014)

Best laugh I've had in ages (apologies if that wasn't you intention).  Keep up the good work.:highly_amused:


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## joshybo (Nov 28, 2014)

I read this at the end of a twelve hour shift at work right before I left for the day.  I was actually pretty mentally drained and didn't know if I was in the mood to read, but I'm now very glad that I did. This is an entertaining little story that reads smoothly and the imagery and detail throughout is original and refreshing.  It was definitely a very fun read.

There were only a couple of very minor things that stuck out while reading it.



> With each flittering stripe of lane paint, he ground his rotten teeth together so fucking hard they ejected in little pieces from his mouth, and he pushed the gas pedal to the floor so hard his leg shook.



The use of "fucking" in this sentence seems somewhat out of place.  I have no issues at all with language in writing, but in third-person narration it just seems a little awkward to me, personally.



> Her smile, forlorn and full of tragedy, reminds him of portraits he’d seen in dark Spanish places in his youth.



"Reminds" seems like it may should have been "reminded" as most of the other actions throughout this piece are written in past-tense.

And that's it.  I'm a fan of your writing style and always enjoy what you post here.  Thank you for sharing.


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## Pluralized (Nov 29, 2014)

Thanks, guys -- really appreciate the comments and support. This was a crazy rough draft that actually responded fairly well to my revising. Been focusing on rewriting lately which is tough since my enthusiasm for stories comes in fits and starts.

MP - not sure what the funniest part was for you, but it was definitely written in a light-hearted and weird mood. Thanks again.


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## TKent (Nov 29, 2014)

Haven't gotten past the first paragraph and I had to stop and say: You have the best character names!


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## TKent (Nov 29, 2014)

This is classic Pluralized. Love it.

This is pretty smooth and tight as is. And deliciously weird.

Your similes, metaphors and general descriptive skills are superb as usual. The one below makes me sigh with admiration.



> The bank office presented itself, a horrible yellow and red protrusion jutting out from the suburban tree-grid like the last tooth in the mouth of a corpse.



Here are a couple of comments - every one is just a suggestion, the piece is pretty tight as is.

I agree with both of Joshybo's comments.

I'd combine these 2 sentences. Not sure of the proper punctuation but I think it would be tighter. I did look back just a second to make sure who "he'd" referred to. (I know, I know, you just said his father. I can't help it how my brain works.)

maybe: His dad was a truck driver, dead of a sleeper-cab ventilation accident, suffocated in his sleep. (again I don't know proper punc.)



> His dad was a truck driver, dead of a sleeper-cab ventilation accident. He’d suffocated in his sleep.



There was just a bit of a timleine question here for me where I didn't get a good sense of when the dad died, where the money was at that moment, etc. Adding something similar to below would have put things on a better timeline for me personally and set up the rest of the story better. Again, this is my second pass trying to find areas of improvement so take with a grain of salt.



> The settlement from Peterbilt *was safely stashed in the bank* and would pay off the house and take care of Alembic and Vermiscus and their mother Gratilda for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, Vermiscus was in Europe and wouldn’t be home until next summer. By then, the money would be gone.



Nobody around... is a complete sentence so added a comma.



> All of the blood had been cleaned up, and nobody around could testify against him.



I had not envisioned the cigarette prior to this so I did ponder for a second here whether the cigarette was in his hand which was on the pistol. Or was it in the left hand on the steering wheel, so he reached up with the right hand to hold the wheel so he could dump the ash. I expect 90% of the readers would not have thought about this at all, so take with a grain of salt.



> hand off the pistol to ash his cigarette out the window.



You are so good at capturing the 'on the road' feel. I remember a really cools scene in one of your other stories where you described the sticky stuff on the seats, etc. Anyway, I loved this. I could picture it so clearly and even feel the bounce in my mind.



> His rearview mirror, in which nothing but the side of his hairy face, smiling, showing missing and decayed teeth, glinted red sunlight when the truck bounced against the roadway.



What goes on in that brain of yours? I would gladly take a tour but I'd insist on an armed escort. This is so vivid and weird and good.



> He began to convulse and wrack himself against the seat of the truck, thrashing violently as the truck’s tires squealed and barked.



Love the goat eyes. In a later line, you compare her sun glinting off her wet eyes to a bowling ball. I immediately pictured HUGE sized eyes when I read the later line. So the two comparisons don't match up exactly right for me. 



> The clerk, hardly able to keep her head together, stared at him with a pair of goat’s eyes.



Lol. I like her style.



> She pulled her shirt up and showed him a scarred belly,



I might choose a replacement for squealed. You use it earlier to describe the tires on the pavement and that sound is nothing like the door opening.  Maybe creaked?  Squeaked is too fluffy for this piece, anyway, just a thought.



> The door to his truck *squealed *as he opened it,



That's it! Great Job!


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## Pluralized (Dec 1, 2014)

Huge helps, TK. Thank you! Appreciate the critique and the kind comments. This piece has a strange and fun history behind the scenes in my weird brain, so it's great to share it.


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## TKent (Dec 1, 2014)

love your new avatar by the way.


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## Pluralized (Dec 1, 2014)

And she loves you. Look at her EYELIDS.


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## TKent (Dec 1, 2014)

They have surgeries to fix that nowadays. Just sayin...


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## Pluralized (Dec 1, 2014)

She was a handsome woman. Her daughter, my mother's mother, was also a handsome woman with very little stubble. And a bitchin' set of eyelids.


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