# Ponder



## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 23, 2015)

> I ponder about what will be when I cease to be
> 
> Is it oblivion or eternal bliss?
> 
> ...


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2015)

First off, I love the elusive element of your poem.  Second, the graphic really distracts for the poem, that is the first thing we see, and it should by your poem we see, not a picture of a waterfall.  Part of the beauty of poetry is allowing imagery to from in the reader's mind.  

If the first thing we see upon clicking on a new piece is the image of a waterfall, you are taking away from the reader's experience and your own writing.  The words of your piece flow and stand on their own.  Let the other poets see and experience that.  I would recommend removing the graphic and posting just the poem.  Let the reader decide for themselves what the piece is about, it is why I read poetry, to determine what the words mean to me.

You have an elegant, elusive way with words, exploit it.  Make the reader see what is in your head, make them feel what you feel.  That is what good poetry is all about.

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom


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## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 23, 2015)

You are absoloutely right, my apologies and thank you for your criticism, I really appreciate it!


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2015)

Never apologise for anything you write; it is your right as a writer to write what feels right.   That is what critique is about.  Compare and contrast, what works and what doesn't.  

You used the graphic of a waterfall, have you considered trying to weave that element into a poem?  A leaf meandering from place to place with the current, coursing over the rapids or resurfacing after it has gone over a waterfall?  Thoughts are fluid like water, take the reader with you on the journey.

You've raised a good question, started the reader down the path, keep following it.

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom


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## Firemajic (Jul 23, 2015)

DarKKin the Fabulous gave you some wonderful ideas to ponder... and I love that you removed the picture.. as DarKKin said, YOUR words paint the picture...sooo.. anyway.. You have a very nice concept for a poem... and a very good start, I can tell by your poem that you are a poet at heart and the subject of your poem is one everyone can relate to... I would love to see you strengthen your imagery... use every color on your poetic palette ...unchain your creativity.. take me out of the mundane into the sublime.. I enjoyed reading your poem! Welcome to the fabulous Poetry thread, I am looking forward to reading more of your work... Peace.. Julia


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 24, 2015)

I like how you put it in quotations.

Because... I just like seeing things that you don't see everyday.

The writing was decent too.

7/10


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## escorial (Jul 24, 2015)

a light read about a heavy subject...enjoyed


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## Sonata (Jul 24, 2015)

I did not see the picture as it had been removed before I read the poem - and I loved the poem.  Thank you.


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## aj47 (Jul 24, 2015)

> _I ponder about what will be when I cease to be
> _​You use "be" twice and in a short piece, the repetition (here and elsewhere) can detract.  Perhaps the first instance could be replaced by a different word--happen or exist or ... find one you like better.  Also a period after this line would not be amiss.
> 
> _Is it oblivion or eternal bliss?_
> ...



I like the imagery you choose and if you can determine what direction to take this, it will be amazing.


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## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 24, 2015)

astroannie said:


> _I ponder about what will be when I cease to be_​_You use "be" twice and in a short piece, the repetition (here and elsewhere) can detract. Perhaps the first instance could be replaced by a different word--happen or exist or ... find one you like better. Also a period after this line would not be amiss._



I somewhat agree with you. I did actually think about whether I should use "be" twice in such a short poem or not. I eventually came to terms with keeping it the way it was.

_Contractions in short pieces tend to rush the reader through rather than letting them sink their teeth into your writing.

_As for this, I was aiming for a sensation of "rushing thoughts" related to fear and mystism. 

_With the question at the beginning, "surely" may not be what you're angling for. Especially with the ending. I think you need something more nebulous. And format it as a question. It would match your ending then.

_The reason I wrote "surely" is because whatever fear might come from the thought of death- I can still find piece of mind KNOWING that I'll eventually have pure happiness, thus it being more of a safe haven and a 
reminder of that everything will be okay regardless. It's supposed to represent "false hope" and completely dismissing how the world really is. Clinging onto something that's not real to avoid facing the realities of the world.

_See what I said above. You're back to being obscure when your previous line was definitive. I think you need to decide whether you want to definitely state that you do whatever when you cease to be or that you have no idea. Either would make a good piece, but combining the two makes it look muddled. 
_
The last line represents coming to terms with the world and it's nature. Accepting that death is inevitable and so is non-existance.

It's basically about clinging onto false hope but at the end of the day coming to terms with reality and life's envitable nature.

I'm happy for your critisism however But I felt an obligation to try and explain why I decided to write my poem like I did and my choice of words. I appreciate it!


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## aj47 (Jul 24, 2015)

That's perfectly fine.  It's yours.   I'm not trying to boss you or slap you around to my way of thinking--only putting out there what I was seeing. 

Doing anything with malice is the right way; it's when you do things accidentally that you have to clean up.


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## musichal (Jul 24, 2015)

I arrive late to the party.  The content and elements of the poem seem to have been discussed in detail already.  An image of a waterfall was once there, I read.  Perhaps you may want to start a blog here as many of us have done, in which we include images for effect.  See mine or rcallaci's, for example.

I will only note that coming to your poem now, the first thing I notice is that you put it in a quote box, so my first thought was to wonder who you were quoting.  I found it a distraction, though if it is to be your signature then I suppose I will become accustomed to the look despite it feeling vaguely misleading.

That shape, that color, that box says "Quote" to users here.  If everyone used it for regular posts it would be confusing.     \/ \/ \/


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## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 24, 2015)

The purpose of the quote box was simply to make it look more delicate, that's really the sole purpose. Just like somebody would use color or fonts. I didn't think people would go as far as to think it's purpose was because it's literally a quote from someone else's work. It's only about looks and preferance I suppose.


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## Darkkin (Jul 25, 2015)

Certain aspects of poetry are visual, but for the most part, it should be the poet's words that are doing the work.  Opinions will vary on the subject, but with this particular piece, the quote box doesn't seem to add much.  In point of fact, it makes it look like it was borrowed from elsewhere.  And we know that is not the case.

If you want to make this piece delicate, look at your word choice, your structure.  Its syntax and texture.  That is were the breath the of the poem comes from.  The imagery.  Your line with stars is an excellent example, keep going along those lines, let your voice be heard.


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## PiP (Jul 26, 2015)

I also arrived late and I was looking out for your poem from our chat in the intro thread!

I enjoyed your poem and it is 'ponderous' what we will be when we cease to be  I actually like the repetition.


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## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 26, 2015)

That's also what I was aiming for PiP. Being in the position of asking yourself a rather difficult question and then trying to look for the answers- and confiding in irrationality just for the sake of feeling OK. I hope you liked it


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## Apex Predator (Jul 26, 2015)

A simple poem about one of humanities most asked questions: "What happens after I die?"

Calm, having a quasi-etheral essence.

The only negative thing would be is that it seems as though there is not much of a conclusion. It seems to end too suddenly with an ambiguous thought.

Good poem though :smile:   
Keep up the great work


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