# The Four



## CrawlingInChaos (May 8, 2016)

We are but four.
The Hawk, the Lion.
The Hornet, the Hound.
We rose from the dark,
From cracked stone and endless grey.
We swept across our foes,
Those towering beasts,
And renounced their immortality.

A great bolt of lightning.
A lashing, unforgiving rain.
A thundering, shaking quake.
A stoic, unstoppable wind.
We are a hurricane.


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## ned (May 9, 2016)

hello - a strange tale that doesn't quite hit the mark poetically, for me.

after an interesting start, with some good descriptions, it seems to tail off into the bombastic.

And renounced their immortality. - sounds poignant, but doesn't say a lot - more imagery is needed here, I think.

the second verse is a list of rather unsurprising descriptions -
these lines give an opportunity to tie-in the characters to the drama - think circular
for example- the wind might make a sound associated with one of the four - and the same for the other descriptions

I don't know if the last line is a metaphore, but would drop the 'a' for effect.

cheers
Ned


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## PrinzeCharming (May 9, 2016)

I am going to agree with Ned on a lot of stuff here. I'll critique as I read the piece, providing information as first impressions rather than basic suggestions. 

*L1 -* a group of four, possible elite, importance to some society? perhaps. (Still uncertain.) 

*L2 -* Hawk is to bird as Lion is to cat. Interesting how they get along. (Still not sure about the animal selection.) 

*L3 *- Small creature, sting, large creature, bite. (Do these animals have anything to do with the sound of the storm?) 

_Side Note:  Bird, cat, insect, dog. Basic animals. 
_
*L4* - Do they only come out at night? (Dark being dark clouds?) 
*
L5 *- This is ambiguous. I am confused here. (Not sure about the stone, but endless grey - clouds / sky?) 
*
L6 *- Conflict. Missing details here. (I can now understand 'swept' here.) 

*L7* - Adds to previous line, nothing interesting (Towering beasts - buildings?) 
*
L8 -* Okay .. now what? (Blowing, destroying buildings?) 
*
L9* - What's the significance of the lighting? 
*
L10 -* I understand, 'lashing rain' but not 'unforgiving.' 
*
L11 *- Storm continued. 

*L12* - Interesting, yet still confusing. 

*L13* - We are but four, ... we are a hurricane. Got it. 


Okay, so .. now I am going to write in *red *what I feel after reading everything. 


Interesting. Yet, this is simply a basic foundation. I believe you have a lot of potential to develop this elite four (storm) into something more powerful. Focus on clarity and precision. 


Thanks for sharing.


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## Darkkin (May 9, 2016)

CrawlingInChaos said:


> We are but four.
> The Hawk, the Lion.
> The Hornet, the Hound.
> 
> ...




Hi Chaos.

First off welcome to the poetry boards.  Having read  through your poem, as a reader, it feels more like a premise or a list  than an actual poem.  Does it serve a greater purpose? e.g. Rowling's  Sorting Hat Songs or the pieces done by Tolkien.  Narrative poetry is a  chameleon of manifold talents, but it also needs to be handled  properly.  Each stanza, speaking, able to support its weight and push  the flow of the story forward. 

Consider that out of all the  types of poetry, which is most akin to the function of story telling  prose: Narrative.  As it is told in verse it is just that much harder,  but the impact can be profound.  Narratives have the potential to be the  power ballads of the storytelling world.  The issue here is you haven't  started telling the story, you have given us a list of nouns, verbs,  and a few adjectives without really making it your own.

You have a very good premise, but you need to flesh out the bones.  I look forward to seeing revisions.

- D. the T.


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## -xXx- (May 9, 2016)

CrawlingInChaos said:


> We are but four.
> The Hawk, the Lion,The Hornet, the Hound
> We rose from the dark,
> From cracked stone
> ...



hi cic,
epics can be fun.
when i read this i think of many forms of rpg/manga, etc.
i like your gang of four.
there is no way to know
which immortals you are deposing.

perhaps the last stanza could begin with the four:

flashing, lashing, thundering, stoic:
_characteristic_ lightning
unforgiving rain
_shaking_ quake
unstoppable wind
we are but four
become hurricane

if rhymes are not really your poetic mechanism,
perhaps checking the alliteration challenge
would demonstrate some ways to create lyrical qualities
within your piece.
big powerful Godzilla meter would be awesome too!
i look forward to seeing more about this group
and their adventures,


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## CrawlingInChaos (May 9, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Hi Chaos.
> 
> First off welcome to the poetry boards.  Having read  through your poem, as a reader, it feels more like a premise or a list  than an actual poem.  Does it serve a greater purpose? e.g. Rowling's  Sorting Hat Songs or the pieces done by Tolkien.  Narrative poetry is a  chameleon of manifold talents, but it also needs to be handled  properly.  Each stanza, speaking, able to support its weight and push  the flow of the story forward.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your input. I doubt I'll really be revising this much, it was an impulse write inspired by an art print I saw on the internet, so I presume the actual characters already have more to them than I know about.


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## aj47 (May 9, 2016)

CrawlingInChaos said:


> Thanks for your input. I doubt I'll really be revising this much, it was an impulse write inspired by an art print I saw on the internet, so I presume the actual characters already have more to them than I know about.



Okay, I have one major question ... *why in the name of whatever (if anything) you hold holy are you wasting the time and talent of our members to critique something you don't give a flying buttress about?* 

Thank you for saving *my* time at least, but *dayum *is this *really* the first impression you'd like to make in the poetry forum?


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## CrawlingInChaos (May 9, 2016)

astroannie said:


> Okay, I have one major question ... *why in the name of whatever (if anything) you hold holy are you wasting the time and talent of our members to critique something you don't give a flying buttress about?*
> 
> Thank you for saving *my* time at least, but *dayum *is this *really* the first impression you'd like to make in the poetry forum?



That is a very good point, actually  sorry, I'll keep that in mind. I do have more serious poetry I've written, so I'll see about putting some of that up on here instead. Thanks.


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## -xXx- (May 9, 2016)

ekphrasis!
poets have a name for what you did.

*i didn't know that until april*


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## PrinzeCharming (May 9, 2016)

CrawlingInChaos said:


> That is a very good point, actually  sorry, I'll keep that in mind. I do have more serious poetry I've written, so I'll see about putting some of that up on here instead. Thanks.



*Pssttt ... over here ... *








​Word of advice. Whatever you post, whether it's poetry or short stories, our dedicated volunteer staff frown upon other members not caring about what they write. We strive to provide the best to improve your own writing skills and abilities. If you simply don't care, it's almost like crying wolf. That moment when you spent all day writing something that made you feel great or inspired will be the moment when we shake it off and offer little on our end as a qualitative critique. Please, whatever you do, think twice about your intentions. There are other members who do care. They do appreciate our help. Personally, whether it was on whim or not, I believe you can develop something greater from this piece. I felt it. No matter if it lacked details, I knew there was a poet inside seeking some reassurance. Don't ruin it for your inner poet. Kay, smile and move on. Today is just another day to prepare for tomorrow. I am looking forward to reading some serious stuff. 


And this note is for anyone else brand new into the community. We take our volunteering seriously. The work you provide should follow the same respect. Thanks! Continue writing, guys!


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## DATo (May 11, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - a strange tale that doesn't quite hit the mark poetically, for me.
> 
> after an interesting start, with some good descriptions, it seems to tail off into the bombastic.
> 
> ...



Oh? I don't know. Says quite a bit to me.

Did you take note of the fact that the "four" are predators?

They rose from the muck. - evolved and ascended - and terminated the ascendence of their foes = made them extinct

They are an unstoppable force of nature like lightening, a torrential rain, an earthquake or a hurricane 

Nice job CrawlingInChaos. One of the better efforts I've read around here in quite awhile.


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