# Bad Kissers: the low down.



## Slartibartfast (Apr 3, 2007)

[FONT=times new roman,times,serif](Slightly Mature Content : PG13)*

Yes, I'm talking to you...*

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    [FONT=times new roman,times,serif]I'm here to set the record straight. Or perhaps, shed a little light on something that has irked a handful of us since we were in grade school. Bad kissers. Yes, we've all come across them (quite frequently I'm afraid), and a lot of us are among this categorical treachery. 

So, why are so many people bad kissers? Well, I suppose there could be many reasons: selfishness, ignorance, stubbornness, lack of passion, no sense of  romance, razor-thin lips, or just an absence of  practice. There are many things that play into why someone hasn't embraced the beauty of kissing.

 Kissing is a magical thing. Far too many people consider it mechanical, or an end to a means, but this is far from the truth. It is the most intimate of connections between lovers. It should be considered a dance. It should be likened to an unspoken dialogue. It should be taken (most of the time) slowly and with feeling. There is always a time for fierce passionate embracing, but those times are rare, and should be played out accordingly and naturally. 

 The majority of us have had a handful of kissing partners. In our youth we spent hours on the couch kissing our girlfriend or boyfriend. There are many styles of kissing, but there are only a small portion of these styles that circle the proper formula. Sadly, I can not teach you this formula; you must pay attention, be attentive, posses a natural inner-passion, and read the other participants movements. We all love great kissers, and we all want to be great kissers. The media proves this point in almost every love story. Many of you walk around thinking you are a good kisser, but the truth is, you are not. I am not here to judge or criticize, I am here as a messenger. There are two main reasons why this travesty continues: 1) lack of communication and 2) both participants are bad kissers. For #1, if you really like the person, and are comfortable expressing wants and desires, tell them what you think. If done properly, teaching a person to kiss can be fun and exciting. Just be sure that the person you plan to teach is secure enough to handle this kind of honesty--it is possible you may severely injure their ego so be careful.  For #2, it is a lost cause, and is the most prevalent of reasons bad kissing is so rampant. If two people come together, really like each other, but don't mesh on the physical level, one or both of the individuals will lose attraction in time. For example, I may find a woman incredibly attractive, but if she is a horrible kisser that is too stubborn to flow with me, the relationship is doomed. 

Pointer Number One: 

 Too much tongue! Stop it with that thing. What are you trying to do, choke me? Ok, so there is a time for a little "deep kissing." But what's with these people that flap their tongue around in my mouth like a fire hose gone wild. Take it easy. The two kissers should match each others' tongue movements--again, like a dance. There are always two sides to a coin--this second side has to do with those people that don't use their tongue at all. If I'm putting my tongue in your mouth, I am doing it to feel *your* tongue, not to feel an empty void. Kissing is most satisfying when there is a bit of a suction going on, as well as friction. This may be difficult to describe and may be an advanced tactic, but when both parties are giving and taking each others tongues with a constant, slight suction, it is super hot--both kissers must have their mouths firmly pressed against each other for this to occur properly. And for goodness sake don't be a tongue darter. If I wanted to kiss a lizard, I'd move to South Africa or get one at a pet store.

Pointer Number Two:

Close your mouth / Open your mouth--you should neither keep your mouth open, nor keep it closed for too long in open mouth kissing. Those of you who open your mouth for minutes at a time need to ask yourself the reason for what you are doing. Did someone once tell you they liked it? I doubt it. Again, follow the opening and closing of your partner's mouth. It should match them. If you feel them closing their mouth for a nice soft lip kiss, follow it. I don't know how many times I've tried to slowly close my mouth to find my partner's mouth engulfing my face. I'm not kidding, it's uncanny. I've experimented with this for fun. I've closed my mouth not moving, and let their open mouth just hover around mine. I mean come on, are they completely oblivious to what I'm doing. This isn't mouth-to-mouth. Pay attention here, I'm kissing. And on the flip side, if your kissing partner goes from lip kiss to open mouth...follow them. It's that simple.

Pointer Number Three:

  Don't take good ol' fashion lip kissing for granted. There is nothing more intimate than a soft firm lip kiss. Not too firm mind you. And if you men have short-scruff, you have to be careful not to chafe your lady's delicate skin. If you plan on making-out...shave. It's always a good idea to lick your lips a little before hand (if your lips are dry of course). Don't be shy about it, just give a little lick and move forward. When done right, it can be sexy to see kiss-preparation. Keeping your Burts Bees handy at all times is a definite plus. For advanced tactics, use the tip of your tongue ever so slightly in a standard lip kiss. As long as it is slight, you can play with your partner's lips or if the person follows suite, both can have a tiny bit of tongue play in a close-mouthed lip kiss...mmmmmm...my favorite.

Pointer Number Four:

Biting is good, but don't abuse it. Some people don't get into it, some people do. You should be able to read this very quickly. A bit of nibbling on the upper or lower lip can be very sexy (lower works best). Sometimes, even nibbling on their tongue can be fun--again, some people don't fancy this so pay attention to their reaction or vibe.

Pointer Number Five:

Excess spit can be very hot at times, but in general don't forget to swallow--most people don't like sloppy kissers. If you are an accomplished kisser, you can use sloppy to your advantage, but don't go there unless you know what you're doing.  And for Christ's sake don't be insecure about swallowing.

Pointer Number Six:

Touching your partners face, back of neck or head, hair, or body is a very necessary thing. It should come naturally, so don't force it. Don't try and produce some movie kiss you saw on Jerry McGuire...just understand that men and women like a bit of stroking and attention elsewhere whilst being kissed. When touching their face, it is a good idea to keep it gentle and sensual. But if you want to get spicy, a slight back of the head hair pull can be sexy. Red Hot Chilly Peppers said it best...         [/FONT]
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[FONT=times new roman,times,serif] Pointer Number Seven:[/FONT]
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[FONT=times new roman,times,serif]Slow down. Take your time. Nothing is worse than someone who is revving at 5000 rpm open close open close open close and you're just thinking, "what a horrible kisser." Take my word for it, 99 percent of the time those of you who open-close quickly, are bad kissers. Learn it, live it, love it.

 Well, I think I've said just about enough. Please, pay attention to your lover or kissing partner. Kissing is a magical thing and should be considered as such. And you men--get off your macho wagon and get a clue--women love passionate, romantic, good kissers. If you think you're going to be too vulnerable or less macho by opening up and doing it right then you are sadly mistaken. Also men, don't take the kissing portion of foreplay for granted. There is nothing that gets women hotter and more "ready" than a great kissing session.

   Ok. If you read all this. You are a champ. Happy hunting, and keep those damn open mouth flapping tongue kisses under wraps. 

  Thank you   [/FONT]


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## MrPenguin589 (Apr 4, 2007)

I would like to openly place myself to fall into the catagory of a "bad kisser."

Not sure whether your advice will help, but, uh, we'll see.


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## Slartibartfast (Apr 4, 2007)

There are a lot of bad kissers out there, and I hope this essay sheds a little light on them.


ps. Mr. Penguin: I would drop the "to fall" from your post. It's a tad wonky. I know I know...but this IS a writer's forum, and even in posting we should strive for perfection. Also, if you are making "bad kisser" a category, you should remove the "a" before it. I'm really just having fun with you...no hard feelings.


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## Due on Maple Street (Apr 4, 2007)

Comical and instructive. They say try to learn one new thing a day. I liked it.


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