# The human dog (CAUTION- BAD LANGUAGE, MATURE- ANIMAL CRUELTY)



## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 1, 2015)

*4460460-=-q*


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## escorial (Nov 1, 2015)

i tried dude but it was to upsetting..i stopped reading...


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## The Green Shield (Nov 1, 2015)

<takes a deep breath>

OK, just a few pointers for this piece:

• Remember to show us the scenery. I know the POV is from a dog, but assuming this dog isn't blind, he/she should still be able to see what's going on. Come to think of it, elaborate on how the dog experiences all this through all the five senses. Remember that their senses are a lot sharper than ours.

• How do the humans sound? Gruff and angry? Can the dog catch what they look like before they're all...well...boxed in?

• I keep thinking that dogs have a basic instinct to swim, so this little guy just might be able to make it. I dunno if it's just wishful thinking or not, but...

• The dialogue was confusing. How many humans are there? You could have two, one the tall one and the other a short, fatter one. Then the dialogue can be like so:
“Twelve?” the tall man asked gruffly.
“Fuck's sake,” the shorter man cursed under his breath.
“Bitch can't feed that many . . . ” the taller man said.
A brief pause, the shorter man ran a hand over his head. “Get a box.”

Just a few pointers from me.


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## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 2, 2015)

64364w7uw568


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## 20oz (Nov 4, 2015)

I felt the voice could have been more genuine than convenient. I felt the "know the names of objects surrounding him, to have a concept of time, and to possess the ability to create speech in one's mind" was an easy way out. You could have put more effort in putting your feet in the puppy's... shoes. 

Before you point out the title, I get it. It still doesn't cancel out my feelings.

Aside from the problem I have with your story, I liked it. I mainly liked it because you've captured the menacing tone of your story in your word choices, thoughts, and imagery. Everything--at least to me--meshed well, but it could still use a little more polish.


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## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 5, 2015)

54093460434630-0-460463=-46346


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## 20oz (Nov 5, 2015)

Genuine...

Limit the knowledge of the puppy a bit. Using words like "biological" and "defecating" doesn't seem likely (Lol. I made myself smile there considering who the main character is). 

Also, sensory details would be a nice.


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## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 5, 2015)

570-709=-6==-2956


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## 20oz (Nov 5, 2015)

SonicShane97 said:


> Sensory details? Like what the Green shield was talking about?



Pretty much. Anything you're capable of showing.


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## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 5, 2015)

*60-46309460-34630-*


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## 20oz (Nov 6, 2015)

SonicShane97 said:


> *okay, here's the next part
> **ive realized that this story lacks realism, but what the hell, i enjoy writing it. It stems from my belief that mammals are quite like humans, and we should treat them better. thats sort of the point of this story. i hope you guys like it! Feel free to tear it apart so i can improve. (PS- if im going to re-write the whole concept, i think i might not use the present tense; i find it annoying to work with)*
> As my body plunges under the freezing water,  I stop thinking. It feels like I'm sleeping, like the time before I was born. I wake up again, this time on a little wooden dock on the other side of the river. It only extends a few metres out into the water, and is surrounded by water plants; I'm no longer blind! I can see! The plants are reeves,and they're extending upwards out of dark green blankets of algae. I shiver as the evening cold bites my bare skin.
> “Was lucky I was here to fish you out, weren't you?” A voice above me said.
> ...



I really liked this part of the story. It was adorable, and it provided a sigh of relief.

Like you were able to do in your previous excerpt, you chose the right words and details. When the puppy needed to be comforted, you found a way to comfort him. When he whined, you gave a reason why he whined and how to care for him.

It was the small stuff that made me enjoy it!

Also, the dialogue was believable too.

The best part for me was the ending paragraph. It was simple and restrained. It's something I would have liked to read more of in the first part of the story



> Francis carefully lowers my fragile body into the basket, and sits down  on this weird-looking thing. He tells me it's called a “sofa.” He grabs  hold of a little black rectangle, and pushes down on it with his thumb.  To my horror, a little grey box on the other side of the room comes to  life! It makes a very bright, multicolored glow, and produces these  strange, foreign sounds; in short, this thing is enough to terrify me.  Francis says this is just the “TV,” as he calls it, and there is no need  for me to worry. After an hour of whining, I realise whatever this  demonic box is, it won't kill me. I slowly fall asleep inside the snug,  toasty basket.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey SonicShane! 

I looked at both parts and found that the first one definitely needs some more polishing. Becoming more attuned with the sensory details, as HarperCole and 20z have mentioned, would help you more. Additionally, making the character's more defined rather than just carriers of the plot would be a better touch.

The second part I liked better. You are beginning to show the true marks of a decent story there. You show Francis' character quite effectively as well and make it easy for people to like him. This is good.

Interested to read more!


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