# Scores: August 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Sep 1, 2022)

Scores time! 11 fine contestants have produced the following outcome...


*Title**S J Ward**KatPC**Vranger**Average*The Last Council of the Animals by Tonsonenotany13.516.61715.70Speaking in Tongues by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord1214.51714.50Loud Music by YggNate11.513.51413.00Black Metal Kitty by CyberWar1217.317.515.60The Alchemist by Louanne Learning1318.419.516.97*2*An Unforgettable Summer Night by Lawless1217.71916.23Glitch to Black by Selorian1417.717.516.40*3*Mayhem by Kegan Thompson12.517.51916.33Solidaria by NajaNoir15.518.219.517.73*1*Saving the World by Riptide13.517.115.515.37Ren/Tolerance by KatPC12.5JUDGE18JUDGE

So, filling up the winners' rostrum, we have...

1st: Solidaria by NajaNoir
2nd: The Alchemist by Louanne Learning
3rd: Glitch to Black by Selorian

Congratulations to the winners, and many thanks to our fine quartet of judges. Here are their scores...



Spoiler: SJ Ward's grades



Tonsonenotany : The last Council of the Animals.



SPAG : 4.0

T&V : 3.0

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 3.5



Total : 13.5



This piece is just so strange. Not as much a story about ‘Black Metal’, more a primitive version of ‘Toad of toad hall’.

Because of the fact that it’s animals talking… spelling and grammar seemed to go out of the window. However, I didn’t feel that the tone and voice of the piece reflected the animals that I pictured.

I particularly liked some of the weird spellings, but in the end I didn’t really get what was going on or why.







Anon : Speaking in Tongues.



SPAG : 3.0

T&V : 2.5

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 3.5



Total : 12.0



The descriptive element is very poetical and I enjoyed that part, but there were, it seemed, some parts that detracted from the reading. ‘The black pines-bows hung’ does not work well. And should ‘flesh-strength’ have been ‘fresh strength’?

The use of an alien language (to me) became a little annoying especially when I realised at the end, that it was a child speaking with quite an adult meaning. Because of that I felt the tone and voice didn’t help an enjoyable story.









YggNate : Loud music.



SPAG : 2.5

T&V : 3.0

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 3.0



Total : 11.5



A story of massive paragraphs with multiple speech patterns embedded within. So it was quite difficult to read. It needed breaking down into a more legible format. At first I thought it might be because it was a recollection that it used single quotation marks, but then I remembered that in Britain it is common practice.

Some of the wording the story used I liked, for instance ‘somewhere below the underground’. Generally, the story was an enjoyable one, but marred by the delivery.









CyberWar : Black metal kitty.



SPAG : 3.0

T&V : 3.5

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 2.5



Total : 12.0



The opening stung me and I kept going back to it because it didn’t seem to sit right. “...so this…” I felt, as we don’t get to know what was said prior to this speech that the ellipsis and the lower case letter could have been ‘normalised’. ‘Historicity’ would have been better served by ‘provenance’, but that is just my opinion. Certain commas seemed to be awry and as far as I am aware talent-less does not require a hyphen.

The opening of the ‘actual story’ starts well. I was especially liking the ‘coat’ idea, and felt it important. Then the significance of it was forgotten for the lesser ending.









Louanne Learning : The Alchemist.



SPAG : 3.0

T&V : 3.0

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 4.0



Total : 13.0



Liked the use of certain words as opposed to the usual. For example... ‘dankest’ rather than ‘darkest’. A new paragraph would have helped when it starts ‘Master Walter’s eyes…”. And ‘Desmond—had been foisted upon him...’ might have made the reading slightly easier.

Over-all I enjoyed the actual story, it was a nice, original way to consider the theme of Black Metal.









Anon : An unforgettable summer night.



SPAG : 3.5

T&V : 3.0

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 2.5



Total : 12.0







I felt the ‘Wait, what?’ seemed a little strange as a thought and I found it distracting. Using the word ‘curvature’ initially made me think the girl was pregnant. Using ‘fist-fight’ as opposed to just a ‘fight’ made me think it was gentlemanly and didn’t fit with the actuality of the situation.

Over-all I felt the story could have been more enigmatic and it would have appealed more to me. The idea was great but I would have liked a less blatant ending.









Selorian : Glitch to black.



SPAG : 4.0

T&V : 3.5

Eval : 3.5

Reac : 3.0



Total : 14.0



This piece did take a few reads to understand. I certainly felt if it were longer it would give more context, and it needed this. Some parts were a little too truncated. I would have liked the acronym ‘DIM’ explained. I still don’t know what it is.

‘You don’t think I already know that?’ might have been better served as an exclamation rather than a question expectant of an answer.

I liked the sci-fi invention of the piece but it does need to be longer.









Kegan Thompson : Mayhem



SPAG : 3.5

T&V : 2.5

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 3.5



Total : 12.5



In places I found this a bit disjointed and, I felt, the tone and voice were not believable, especially from the perspective of Adrian… “There were a lot of messed up things that happened after” did not fit with the pictured cool image of the character.

“Eden popped them in her ear.” indicated to me that she only had one ear and popped both ear-buds into it. Then the ear-buds suddenly became headphones...

I liked the fact that you chose a more obvious line for the story to follow but I didn’t believe the dialogue.









Anon : Solidaria



SPAG : 3.5

T&V : 4.0

Eval : 3.5

Reac : 4.5



Total : 15.5



There seemed to be a change of tense in the opening paragraph. ‘creatures gather’ and ‘Giants frollicked. The Giant winged serpent (from the perspective of Helen) when he lay her head in her lap… it must have been heavy and uncomfortable!

However… I liked this story a lot and the tone and voice helped it along the way. Verty inventive and imaginitive.









Riptide : Saving the world



SPAG : 3.0

T&V : 3.0

Eval : 3.5

Reac : 4.0



Total : 13.5



‘Light sucking’ needs a hyphen and there seemed a slight problem with tenses, past and present, at times. Two hyphens appeared instead of an M dash. And there are a few commas that need placing.

‘we were scientist (s)’ was an oversight, I’m sure.

But generally I enjoyed the story and it was helped by some nice imagery… ‘the school fire alarm’ for instance.









Kat PC : Ren/Tolerance.



SPAG : 3.5

T&V : 3.5

Eval : 3.0

Reac : 2.5



Total : 12.5



I found this a little dis-jointed with far too many full-stops and commas. Though once accepted they gave the piece a disturbed quality to the T&V that ‘sort of’ worked. ‘Pushed the blade onto my wrist’ could be better worded… Forced and into, spring to mind.

I didn’t think the foreign characters added anything to the piece (I don’t speak whatever the language is) however, the phonetics didn’t distract too much. Little confused regarding whether one could or could not see out of the kitchen window! And what happened to Kat?





Spoiler: KatPC's scores



Saving the World – Riptide: 17.1
SPaG (4.5)
A clean write. There are a few commas I felt were not needed but otherwise good. The first sentence intrigued me though:

_No one had ever seen a naturally black metal in the wild, so Jasper asking me, “Do you know what this is?” as he held a nugget of black-hole, light sucking metal pinched between thick Kevlar gloves must’ve been rhetoric._

A comma or an em-dash is missing after … thick Kevlar gloves, must’ve been rhetoric.

T&V (4.3)
I liked it. It suited the story well and you have your own voice which showed in this piece.
In a dialogue you wrote:

“Oh nope. Nope.”

I would have altered to: “Oh no, no.”

But I counted this as a stylistic choice.

Evaluation (4.3)
The story worked well with your style that and flowed well. There are areas in which I felt the story could have been expanded as they were merely touched upon but with the small word count I think you did well. This story read better and better after more reads and by the 4th read the story nicely and the conclusion of expansion came into mind.

Reaction (Score: 4)
I enjoyed it. There was always this nagging hunch in the back of the mind that ‘something wasn’t right’ – and this is due to good pacing. The inevitable ending was fun and predicted but it didn’t spoilt the story. There is one part I want to highlight as a suggestion for alteration. In one passage you mentioned to the reader that ‘we are scientists’ and in a few paragraphs later you repeated the same words through dialogue too. You can lose one of these ‘reveals’ so it doesn’t sound repetitive but good job!


An Unforgettable Summer Night – Anon (17.7)

SPaG (Score: 4.5)
Clean and crisp. One query which I marked down for:

_"They should tone down the basses," she said, ignoring his question._

I am no musical whiz but shouldn’t it be ‘… tone down the base,’ (?) I couldn’t recall or find the plural for bases? And basses is something different.

There are a few lines I would alter but only one passage I feel could be worded better:

_He eyed her black leather jacket and its curvature on the front. Something about the girl was inviting and something was forbidding._

- I dislike the word curvature in this instance and with the second line, this passage came across a little perverted and creepy (sorry). I’m sure there are better choices and arrangements for both to make this a more pleasant.

T&V (Score: 4.3)
The simple nature of the story gave a false appearance as the initial ‘stranger’ changed the whole frame of the this tale. The tone was good and the story flowed well, flicking in between past and present. The mysterious nature of the Pille revealed at the end left this reader impressed by the trap that lured me in.

Evaluation (Score: 4.3)
I think I know who this writer is and having read many of their stories (and a long Fantasy journey) the critical pointers to showing and telling is in reality the style of the writer. Much will always be made to show vs tell, but the simple fact is, how does the story read? And for this reader, it read well and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Reaction (Score: 4.6)
A simple story well told. The ending, and lead up, made a gripping finish that left the story dangling in the mind. A very good story.


The Alchemist – Louanne Learning (18.4)

SPaG (Score: 4.8)
I have never heard of any of the chemicals, so guessing they are all made up, but then thought that of: if they are names of a chemical should they start with a Capital?

T&V (Score: 4.5)
I really like your style and how you tell a story. I never felt flustered or rushed and as the dark sinister tale began to unravel, this reader simply found gripped around the darkness within the story.

Evaluation (Score: 4.6)
This is a wonderful story, well told. The tone the writer uses to cast entice a reader to follow is mastery, as each passage makes you fall deeper into the hole. I do have one suggestion – your opening passage:

_They treated alchemists like dirt. Hid them away in the dankest reaches of the castle._

There is nothing wrong but since you opened with description of *dirt*, I think ‘Hid them away,’in the following sentence fits with the opener, maybe:

_They treated alchemists like dirt. Swept them away in the dankest reaches of the castle._

- I think ‘swept’ stays true to the message you started with and connects back to dirt (just a suggestion).

Reaction (Score: 4.5)
Clever ending. I do suggest that you have a line breaker # or *** to break off and create a separate scene, it will give more power to the last sentence, treating it as a stand out remark for the reader to ponder more on. Brilliant story.


Black Metal Kitty - Cyberwar (17.3)

SPaG (Score: 4.5)
Nice mid dialogue start. Bathouse should be bathhouse I think but clean write. I feel there are commas missing in this passage:

_Ray concludes his recount of purchasing his WWII-era leather motorcyclist greatcoat from a Gypsy by taking a long swig of beer._

I highlight another passage for consideration:

“_You bet it is!” Ray is offended at the mere suggestion of his coat being a cheap replica, “Here, see this?”

The faded Third Reich quality stamp inside the collar that he promptly points at affirms the historicity of what was once likely the motorcycling coat of an SS trooper.

Our conversation ..._

Here, to this point, we are reading Johnny’s narrative but in the exchange above it is from Ray and Mosquito - Johnny is yet to say a word. Maybe this is an extract from a larger piece but from this submission ‘Our conversation’ confused thus ‘Their’ conversation be more accurate?


T&V (Score: 4.4)
There was this ‘one of the lads’ type tone to this piece which brought about a juvenile feel to the story. The banter and, at times, crudeness in their exchanges (the porn baseball bat description a lead example here) winced this reader but since this was intended then this reaction should be congratulated as a few of the descriptive images managed well to portray some deafening sounds.

Evaluation (Score: 4.4)
The tone and style matched well with this story. It is clever how the writer tied this story to the topic. You can make the story tighter without losing the feel:

Under the combined influence of cheap beer and weed, they seem to have decided to start up their own heavy metal band. Both have made good use of my mom’s theatrical makeup, a relic from when she was my age and participated in her school’s amateur theater.

- Combined can be dropped as you explain after with beer and weed, whilst ‘seem to have’ is very passive and for your story and style it can be removed.

- Have can be removed and ‘… was my age and’ can be taken out as you explained to the reader that the makeup was ‘a relic’

Note: Near the end you used the word bawl and bawls in close succession so consider changing one or the other.

Reaction (Score: 4)

Good little story with a fun ending. It is paced well … Sorry to pause this reaction but an observation to the piece. We start off with Ray talking about his WWII jacket which makes the reader think the characters are old, yet as we enter the passage above about the make-up, this feels very adolescent. The line … when she was my age, now paints a different picture. Are the characters youths? Or old men living with their mums? References of cheap booze and drugs, to the differing descriptions suggest otherwise …


Solidaria - Anon (18.2)

SPaG (Score: 4.8)
A clean write. There are one or two places where a comma was inserted but not necessarily needed, but this seemed a deliberate ploy to slow the pace and create a soft ambience to this piece which I enjoyed a lot.

T&V (Score: 4.5)
I really the tone and voice that was set. It’s quiet and unassuming, and as a reader it lulls you into a gentle state where we tiptoe through the story and let the writer pull you away. I think that is the joy with Fantasy, you allow the writer to take you on a journey but it is also true that a reader will only follow the story if the writer is skilled enough to create a trust for which to transport a reader to another world - you did this very well.

Evaluation (Score: 4.4)
Charming story. The lower score is because the writer flirted with the black metal prompt (_a sleek black metal substance and intricately carved blue’_ and _‘a large bench made of the same black metal and carved blue stones’)_ but this seemed forced as the story really centred around the Utopian world of Solidaria – had it been a wooden bench or stone bridge it would have made little difference to the overall impact of the story. None of this distracted the fact that this is a very good story, beautifully written.

Reaction (Score: 4.5)

It is a shame that there is a 650 word limit as I can easily imagine this story to be decorated with more details and colour that the reader can literally be a star in the night sky gazing down on the chats with this story being told. There a scene jump when the bridge is introduced and I that can be smoothed out, but I blame the small word count for this. Great job, this is a lovely story.


Loud Music – Yggnate (13.5)

SPaG (Score: 3.5)
Hmm … Interesting piece. Welcome Yggnate to your first (?) challenge? I hope you find the comments useful and not critical. If you would like a more detailed feedback PM … I am more than happy to help. So let’s start with the SPaG.

There are, sadly, a few issues formatting that led to a confused read. We have in paragraphs one and three with first person POV and then the switches to third person for paragraphs two and four with a different narrative for Harris and Collins. Scene jumps can be very effective, but in a short 650 word limit, the jumps here caused confusion and created a muddled read. I like your ambition in your story but (for me) it didn’t work in this case. As mentioned above, if you like, I can go through this piece with you.

T&V (Score: 3.5)
I love your creativity and different outlook however the different angles and voices didn’t work for me here. I think expanding the story will help clear many things and you can keep two stories into one, but in its current form, it didn’t quite work.

Evaluation (Score: 3)
You seemed to have a clear plan to write this story in this way and well done for being brave. The low score is because I feel the LM topic of Black Metal was missed. We have references of heavy metal music but no mention of the word black (I guess you were trying to infer this message of it being ‘dark’ or bleak with the plot of assassination) but I feel this missed the mark hence there was a deduction – sorry.

Reaction (Score: 3.5)

It can be a little scary entering but don’t be taken back by my scores, these are just a set of eyes that you can use to better your story, or not, they are not meant to be critical or hurtful.

What I will add is that you have a very creative mind. I do scene switches in my stories and it is not always easy to pull off so don’t worry about writing this way. If you want some more feedback on this story or others, PM and let me know. I will be more than happy to help.


Mayhem – KeganThompson (17.5)

SPaG (Score: 4.5)
Not much I could find wrong. There are a few sentences I would have altered but no major errors noted.

_Her cross necklace faintly reflected on the computer screen._

Here the word necklace took all the focus and attention when the word cross should have the focus (in keeping with the story as we discover the satanic images). A slight reword gives much more emphasis on the word cross.

- The cross around her neck faintly reflected on the screen.

_The words to pass on his offer were on the tip of her tongue. What came out of her mouth was something entirely different. Morbid curiosity wasn’t what drew her to say yes, but the intrigue she had for the older boy who stood next to her._


- The word _pass_ were on the tip of her tongue. But what came out of her mouth was something entirely different.

Your original line started with: The words, so we assume these words are: to pass, but it doesn’t really make sense if someone asks you something and you reply ‘To pass,’ thus maybe: The word (singular) _pass _(in italics), on his offer, were on the tip of her tongue.

T&V (Score: 4.5)
It worked well, simple third person guiding us along the way. The narrator did well to cast the different personalities of all the characters and kept the pace of story moving along.

Evaluation (Score: 4.2)
Good story told well. The writer maintained great interactions with the characters that, even in the short word limit, managed to carve out good characteristics in all of them. It felt real and believable. There is a plot hole/inconsistency that I struggled to resolve in your story:

_As soon as *Adrian came out of his room*, Eden knew he wasn’t a fan. His face said it all. They had a conversation about music, and the next thing she knew, Adrian was showing her black metal._

...

“_Yeah, you will.” Adrian took his sister by the arm and *escorted her out of his room.* He shut the door and stood there for a moment, listening to her whine and protest. She tried opening his door, but he held the knob and locked it before walking back over to Eden._

The first instance we know Adrian leaves his room, and from then on I am thinking Eden and him are in the hallway or living room with a computer. In the second instance we find we never left Adrian's room (?) but I was unsure.

Reaction (Score: 4.3)

A well written story. The story really takes off within the dialogue - this is where you are the strongest. The exchanges are well laid out and the story flowed well.



Glitch to Black – Selorian (17.7)

SPaG (Score: 4.5)
Interesting way to never attach a name tag to dialogue. It mostly worked (I had to stop to re-read a passage to clarify) but it was also very clever to add the opposite character’s action straight after a dialogue which meant a quickly paced story. This I thought was amazing:

_The room returned to its pristine condition.
The hologenic *screams* died away.
Kiran’s eyes filled with dark light and a tormented *scream* erupted from him.
A twisted smile crawled across his lips before his body glitched to black._

This deliberate ploy by the writer to slow the pace down created a sense of sorrow and thought – Nice. There is one thing I would change, in that you used the word ‘scream(s)’ twice, and I would alter one.

T&V (Score: 4.5)
Interesting as mentioned. Your dialogue technique intrigued as it is not something I have ever tried and as such it created a different sound and voice to this piece. It fitted well with the story.

Evaluation (Score: 4.5)
There is good pacing to the story where tension was built for the reader. Though we knew what was going to happen, the increased pace made the ride enjoyable down to the final ‘end’ to slow down and reflection.

Reaction (Score: 4.2)

Good story within a good bunch this month. The reaction is purely because this isn’t really my genre and not towards the writing. Had this not been in the competition, it is unlikely that I would have read this piece and the fact that this intrigued is thanks from this reader to the writer that there are many styles to explore away from my own preferred genres.


The Last Council of the Animals – tonsonenotany (16.6)

SPaG (Score: 4.3)
Though there are created words within this story the word *aint* has an apostrophe but that was the only obvious error bar the deliberate creature slurs. On first read I found it difficult to abridge who said what. With Tom’s speech it was presented in three separate lines, which shouldn’t be a problem, but in this instance, it created an expectation that other animals could be offering their view rather than a continuous speech. I think this was the problem with the lack of tags after each dialogue, the reader was always chasing to see who said what.

T&V (Score: 4)
Nice. I like the premise and different tone in narration. With so many characters you did well to create the atmosphere of many creatures.

_Still, the animals felt the stream’s chill. They remembered mothers’ tales of the old habitat. They pictured puppies in warm houses watching moovees. They wondered if a moovee was good._

This passage made me wonder. This is in 3rd person narration yet the narrative is using the same ‘animal’ language with the moovee? Tom’s slurs got me thinking that maybe he ‘taught’ them and that Tom was a very small boy, since he got carried by Raccoon, so in the end my view is that the 3rd person is a child of 4 telling us (the reader) this story.

Evaluation (Score: 4.3)
It is a shame that this only 650 words long. I can easily envisage this to be broadened with the background and characters developed more, in the end it left this reader thinking of what could be.

Reaction (Score: 4)
An enjoyable piece. The story moved along nicely with the numerous characters talking behind there is a wonderful setting of the animals around a fireplace.

_Raccoon, carrying Tom under his arm, hurled him over the precipice. The slope rang. He slid into a tunnel._

In this instance the word ‘rang’ confused. I’m assuming that as Raccoon threw Tom over these are the clangs that we hear? Here and in a few other areas, the story can be elaborated a lot more and it will improve the flow and storytelling to give a fuller picture. Lovely story.


Speaking in Tongues – Anon (14.5)

SPaG (Score: 4)
Intriguing piece but more in Evaluation and Reaction.

_Siviaean Urudi
The veils are draped.

Savalio, she cried, and her voice grew hoarse, Kepniago!
Your love is fire! Your joy is terror!_

“Eliza?” a voice called. “You’ve got to get back to camp now; it’s time for bed.”

Since we are judging a piece for SPaG I highlighted three sections to shows inconsistencies.

The first instance is translation (?) with no quotation marks.
The second Eliza speaks in both languages (?)
And in the final case everything is written clearly.
In the first two cases it is unclear if these are head thoughts or if it is actually spoken and though I suspect the author wanted to differentiate that the first ‘part’ of the story is head based / dream, a different font is better rather than missing out punctuation.

There is one spelling error in facedown - two words

T&V (Score: 4.5)
Distinctive. I appreciate different styles and tones rather than conforming to the general norm and with this piece it worked well in creating an ambiance of mystic for this reader.

Evaluation (Score: 2.5)

There is a unique style to this piece, one that created intrigue and wonder. The low score is because I couldn’t find any connection with the topic – Black Metal and that you (cleverly) tried to stay within the 650 word limit with em dashes so the word count fitted.

pine-bows (counted as 1 word)
starry-black (1 word)
spirit-breasted—the Divine Council—loved (5 words)

I feel the over use (of em dashes) disrupted the story and you could have cut back in other areas to keep within the word limit.

Reaction (Score: 3.5)

We have a very good story here with the author unique in their style and mode of storytelling. This piece isn’t without fault, and regardless of missing the prompt it was a fascinating read but one that did confuse this reader.

_Beneath this thin crust of frosted soil, ages ago, magma tongues had turned, bending and raging for a billion years and more—basalt surging into cold oceans, banded hematite and jasper, ash raining down—and the beings which fluttered spirit-breasted—the Divine Council—loved the frothing stones and exulted in joy a billion years or more. What was man, what was a girl, to black stone?_

In this instance there is great imagery but it is lost in confusion with the arrangement and the over use of em dashes. We start off with the frosted soil, switch to time, then a lot more detail and then the em dash. Could this not be a full stop? The word ‘billion’ is told to us twice reinforcing time the ‘ages ago’ so one can be removed, but this seems like a stylistic choice.





Spoiler: Vranger's scores



*忍 (ren/tolerance) - KatPC*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 18*

Beautifully written and evocative. Just a couple of awkward sentences dinged SPaG. Believe it or not, my deduction for reaction is a compliment. I don’t react well to dark and depressing. That was the tone you aimed for, and you hit it square in the center.

*Saving the World - Riptide*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 15.5*

Typos held my score down on an interesting story. ‘Scientist’ instead of ‘scientists’ twice, and ‘scolding’ instead of ‘scalding’ … and I thought the opening sentence was a bit run-on. I don’t normally see that in your entries, you must have been in a hurry on this. ;-) This is good sci-fi horror fare, but I’d like to see more definition of what’s happening. This reads like the intro to a much longer piece, and I’d be interested to read that much long piece.

*An Unforgettable Summer Night - Anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 19*

Excellent. Just enough incidental action to put the reader inside the scene, but maybe we need more than 750 words. We get too many entries that are the start of the story. LOL

*The Alchemist - Louanne Learning*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

Month after month we’re getting batches of really quality entries. The last line gave me a chuckle. The two long dialogue sections are very well done.

*Black Metal Kitty - CyberWar*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.5*

Funny.   One typo I noticed, but I thought this captured the atmosphere you were after, and with situational asides which rang true … like the guy telling his prized story to every new person.

*Solidaria - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

My only complaint was a sentence fragment in the second paragraph which I felt would have read better with a comma and “where” beginning a phrase, not a sentence. The story is delightful. Write the book. 

*Loud Music - YggNate*

SPAG 2.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 3.0
*Total 14*

The score isn’t really as low as it looks when you read it.  The things causing it are easily fixed … and it mostly involves paragraph breaks. You shouldn’t have dialogue from multiple characters in the same paragraph. And separate your dialogue from your action. Finally, you have four scenes. You should indicate the scene breaks with “***” or such. That all makes the text much clearer to the reader. For the story itself, it showed imagination and I enjoyed it. Formatted correctly, it probably has 3 or 4 more points, which makes for my first sentence above.

*Mayhem - KeganThompson*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 19*

A frustration I have this month is that while these stories are all well written, some of them only seem like part of the story.  Good sign for the writers, because it means the reader wants more.

*Glitch to Black - Selorian*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 17.5*

Well written … absolutely. The missing points only have to do with me not really connecting with the story. I’d have liked to see DIM defined, for example, and get a better sense of what they’re doing, not just what happened to them when they did it. Once again this month, it feels like an excerpt from a longer story I’d love to read. 

*The Last Council of the Animals - tonsonenotany*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17*

A few missing commas and one missed capitalization in dialogue. Well done and interesting. I get the remarks from many animals, but I came away feeling it might have connected more heavily with fewer characters I'd get to know better. Still, very imaginative and I enjoyed the read. Great title.

*Speaking in Tongues - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17*

I thought this was well written, but I didn’t really connect with it until the twist ending, and even then I had to look up the named album to find the suspected connection. So it didn’t really hit anything I could grab on to, which made me lose a bit of momentum as I read. I see what you were going for, and I think you accomplished it, but I think the story needs a reader more “in tune” with your concept.



Our September challenge is now open: *Beautifully Strange*


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## Louanne Learning (Sep 1, 2022)

Very happy with my showing! A big thank you to all the judges.

Congratulations to @NajaNoir  What a great story you wrote.

Thank you once again @Harper J. Cole  and all the writers and readers!


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Sep 1, 2022)

Congratulations, winners! Thank you, judges!

@KatPC I know the connection to the prompt wasn't obvious in mine, but the album she was listening to is a black metal album and her vision-like experience is based on how much black metal music feels to me. And I didn't think of putting EM dashes between words as a way to make it count as one word -- I was trying to quickly get my word count down as this entry was admittedly rushed due to sporadic WiFi access.


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## KatPC (Sep 1, 2022)

@ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord please don't take offence to my views, they are mere observations of a reviewer, I am no expert at all.

Your piece was actually very good and the downgraded scores were for missing the prompt and word limit, it has nothing to do with the story. The lower reaction score was also affected by the evaluation, so don't take that to heart or even seriously. Your story was one that stayed in the mind which is a great quality in itself, I just felt that it missed the prompt. The album (again from my view) felt like a passing comment to fit the Black Metal topic, but again if you strip back the negatives I commented on the prompt and word count, I found your story really intriguing and interesting. Had I not judged, yours and many here stand very highly.


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## Selorian (Sep 1, 2022)

Congratulations @NajaNoir and @Louanne Learning!

Great job to all entrants! What an amazing bunch of writing and interpretations of the prompt.

A big thank you to the judges as well, as it is a tough job. An extra thank you to @KatPC for such in-depth comments and feedback!

FYI: DIM isn't actually an acronym, it is simply the nickname of this specific hologenic since it turns everything dark when it glitches the system.


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## Louanne Learning (Sep 1, 2022)

I am amazed at the talent that shines forth in these contests.


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## KatPC (Sep 1, 2022)

MESSAGE TO ENTRANTS:

It's been a real pleasure reading the August LM challenge. I never wanted to be a judge, I'm not, I'm just a reviewer, but for two weeks your stories have occupied and entertained the mind. Starting with scientists with those transmopod I wondered down the road not knowing what to expect. As we exploded the caves I fell into the horrifying reveal of Pille. 

Trapped in the darkness of Raivo, I escaped to cross a bridge to this Utopian world of Solidaria, where beasts and strange creatures talk and relax. Here the Council of Animals took my attention, their debate intrigued leading to Tom, sliding down away ... to no where. In the silence I could hear a rat, Walter's friend as I am locked in this cage with whispers about Desmond. Behind the iron bars the demonic sounds of cats bawling outside and I shudder looking for the smooth concrete that cocooned us. 

Harris tells Collins to attack and in a fit of confusion I land with Eden, an infant to look after, with these horrid images that boasts on a screen. I see a necklace with a cross reflected from the monitor and all for a sudden ... the mind glitches into black.

'I'm already dead,' I hear Kiran say.

_Siviaean Urudi
Nami Nami euriadokulga …
Peel open the veil Lord …
Sikiearoli-vindi tendi aku …
As you did on Golgotha …
Fominkiado rostentii da! Ah, kialolo!
When your death became the womb of life, life eternal!_ 

I'VE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! 

The cross reflects and it simmers as the thoughts of Pille return. The magma tongues rage inside as I'm being pushed into the dankest reaches of the castle when all I want is to cross that bridge to that other world, with Helen.

'Pervert' a Lacewig yells. Mosquito bangs his drums and the DIMs and eDNAs that makes no sense to me rings around my ears. I glitch into black again.

As I wake, I touch this imaginary cross around my neck and return to the first story. I am standing alone in the kitchen with this faint silhouette staring back at me, a black metal resting over my wrist.

What had we done?

...


It's been a joy to be in your stories, to live through them and learn so much from everyone. There was so much I picked up from everyone, and I mean everyone that I can only say thank you to everyone but lead a bigger thank you to @Harper J. Cole for her selfless dedication in hosting the challenges every month. I could never have read these wonderful stories without you so thank you.

Well done @NajaNoir @Louanne Learning @Selorian


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## KeganThompson (Sep 1, 2022)

Thank you judges!
@KatPC your reviews were very detailed. I'd like to say thank you for going above and beyond what was required of you 
Congrats to @NajaNoir @Louanne Learning @Selorian!


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## NajaNoir (Sep 1, 2022)

Thank you to all of the judges and Harper once again for sacrificing so much of your time for these competitions...without all of you, we wouldn't be here. Thank you!

@Louanne Learning and @Selorian congrats on the close race, both very great stories. Honestly, I feel kind of flabbergasted that I went up against such talent and won. Thank you everyone!

Every story was great, it was so interesting to see the prompt used in such vastly different ways.


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## YggNate (Sep 2, 2022)

Very well done to the winners!

And thank you to the judges for your informative, considerate comments.


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## VRanger (Sep 2, 2022)

A hearty congratulations to all the entries, and REALLY tight for third place! I think all the judges (and contestants) agreed we had an interesting group of stories from top to bottom. And an extra nod to Naja, Louanne, and Selorian! :-D


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## KatPC (Sep 5, 2022)

@S J Ward 
_I didn’t think the foreign characters added anything to the piece (I don’t speak whatever the language is) _

The story is based around the Chinese word:
忍​(Ren)
Tolerance

The Chinese word is pronounced 'ren' which means tolerance and is the central theme to the story. The quote that was written is a famous Chinese Quote of 'Ren' or Tolerance that when directly translated has a slightly different interpretation to people. An example to explain is if a non speaking English person approached you and asked what does 'over the moon' mean then direct translation is above that round thing in the sky, but the meaning is great delight and joy. The difference in my example is that this is a famous quote which has a philosophical and deeper meaning. The break down of the word 'ren' shows the reader the word knife (a hidden link to the dagger in the story and the black metal blade) and heart, which was a tentative poke to the reader about the reasons for the MC to cut his wrist.

I would have liked to explained more in the story but under the rules; the translations counted towards the word count, so I had to fall way below the 650 to enter.


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