# Daddy's Girl



## Firemajic

*He never missed a chance
to destroy her fragile self esteem,
and took unholy pleasure
crushing her childish dreams.

Each day he would remind her
as he burned her with his scorn,
how her deadbeat Father left her,
while she was yet unborn.


Each night she prayed to God
that he'd bring her Daddy home
and save her from this place
where she was all alone.

She always imagined
him walking through the door,
with open arms held out to her
as she ran across the floor.

With strong arms he would hold her tight
and whispered in her ear,
how he loved and searched for her
for all these many years.

But her Father never came,
and she ran away from home,
looking for someone to love,
somewhere she belonged.

But at age fifteen she found herself
hustling for something to eat,
turning tricks at night for drugs
and sleeping on the street.

Found in the river:young white female,
Daddy's girl Tshirt and levi shorts,
Jane Doe,unclaimed and forgotten
filed away in a police report.



*


----------



## escorial

your stuff is always so intense man....i think how can you write enjoyed but there is no better way of expressing your work..enjoyed


----------



## Firemajic

escorial--Intense?  I really am a fun person[lol] Thank you for your comments.  Peace...Jul


----------



## Ethan

A sensitive and empathetic approach to difficult subject matter.  there is a disquieting story here, both familiar and reproachful,  conveyed wonderfully in a few lines. I love this type of work....don't stop.


----------



## LeeC

Human behavior we turn a blind eye towards, you respectively and provocatively arrest our attention with. If only words could heal our wounds. Superb.


----------



## Cran

This hits too close to home for me to comment, other than to say it is well-written.


----------



## Firemajic

Ethan--What a wonderful complement, Thank you. Peace.

LeeC--Just a fragile hope that words can heal too... Thank you for your kind words. Peace.

Cran--I am sorry...     Thank you for reading.  Peace...Jul


----------



## E. Zamora

Your lines are missing or have some added beats in some places; those could be ironed out, I think. But for the most part, the word choices work and aren't forced for the sake of rhyme. Do you read your work aloud? 

What's scary too is when parents seemingly do all the right things and a child still takes the wrong path. It's all very scary. All you can do is your best and keep your fingers crossed.

Good job Jul,

Esteban


----------



## Firemajic

Esteban--Thank you for your comments. I have read my poems aloud, but then become unsure of myself when I hear them, sorta daunting...anyway, I know this does not flow as smoothly as it could.Thanks again.   Peace...Jul


----------



## Ayumi

Such a well written and sad piece.. something I can relate to because I knew someone in a similar situation.


----------



## ElijahChristian

This is real life...hits very close to home...masterful and very intense work. Great job!


----------



## Firemajic

ElijahChristian--Thank you for reading and commenting, I see you are new to WF--welcome! Peace...Jul

Ayumi--Thanks for your comments, I am glad you can relate to this poem, and Welcome to WF.   Peace...Jul


----------



## candid petunia

A disturbing poem, well-written. But I know you can do better to smoothen the flow, Jul.

Always good to read your works, keep posting.


----------



## Firemajic

Dear Candid Petunia--how wonderful to hear from you! Maybe I am too close to this poem, I know the flow has some hitches, any help would be appreciated. Thank you for your comments.    Peace...Jul


----------



## toddm

wow, I agree, so intense, even painful to read, because I know that stuff is true to too many out there...but overall, well written, your words accomplish your evident intent.

Since you asked so sincerely, here's my stab at ironing out the rhythm - but of course it's your piece at the end of the day : )



Firemajic said:


> *He never missed a chance
> to crush her self esteem,
> and took unholy pleasure
> in tainting all her dreams.
> 
> Each day he would remind her,
> as he burned her with his scorn,
> how her deadbeat Father left her
> while she was yet unborn.
> 
> Each night she prayed to God
> that He'd bring Daddy home
> and save her from that place
> where she was all alone.
> 
> She frequently imagined
> him walking through the door,
> with open arms held out to her
> as she ran across the floor.
> 
> With strong arms, he'd hold her tight
> and whisper in her ear
> how he loved and searched for her
> for all these many years.
> 
> But Daddy never came to her,
> and she ran away from home,
> to find the love she never knew,
> to no longer feel alone.
> 
> But at age fifteen she found herself
> hustling for something to eat,
> turning tricks at night for drugs
> and sleeping on the street.
> 
> Found in the river:Young white female,
> 'Daddy's Girl' t-shirt and cutoff shorts;
> unclaimed, unidentified: Jane Doe,
> filed and forgotten in a police report. (more could be tinkered with in this last stanza)
> 
> *



ok, so a little 'poetic' license taken here and there, but I tried : )
---todd


----------



## Firemajic

Todd --Thank you  for giving my poem so much of your time and effort, and you always know that your crit. is valued. I will go over this line by line later and make some changes. Thanks again for your expertise.  Peace...Jul


----------



## Firemajic

Todd, whew! I worked on my poem and made most of the changes --and I love it! Thank you for keeping the integrity of my poem while making it soooo much better. Great working with you!  Peace...Jul


----------



## toddm

Firemajic said:


> Todd --Thank you  for giving my poem so much of your time and effort, and you always know that your crit. is valued. I will go over this line by line later and make some changes. Thanks again for your expertise.  Peace...Jul



well, you're welcome of course - glad I could do it, and I like what you did with it

---todd


----------



## Firemajic

Todd- I revised the last verse , I think it is a little smoother, but I think it could be better...Thanks for your help.  Peace...Jul


----------



## Cyborg

I do enjoy the poem, it's got an engaging narrative, but when I read it feels hollow, not the situation mind you but the presentation. Drug abuse and prostitution can  be a serious problem, but it needs to be humanized and connected with feeling.Those mere descriptors at least for me don't suffice, if you'd described the sensations of drugs, the longing to use again, and the used up or painful sensation of the compulsory sex, then it'd make it much more compelling. While these things are in some sense conotated by drug abuse or prostitution in this context, it still needs more for me.

It mostly rolled of the tongue, but there were some oddities here too.*

She always imagined

*This line seems awkward in context, like not enough syllables. I mean, I read it and I said "She had always imagined" just because it sounded natural, then I did a double take and realized I injected a word. Just something to think about. Also the whole last verse had a weird flow. In particular:

*Daddy's girl Tshirt and levi shorts,

*The specificity of a line can make it speak or flow more as opposed to generality or abstraction, but in this cause it just seems to not work. The words chosen do not make it flow more, and conceptually I'm not a fan of them. I mean there are too many syllables in "Daddy's girl T-Shirt" and a lot of hard sounds in there in a row, which doesn't feel right, and the (don't care if I'm using this word technically accurately or not) ironic nature of the Daddy's Girl T-shirt just feels mean spirited, sorry if that seems harsh. I just mean, would the character really wear a Daddy's Girl T-Shirt? I mean I feel like there is a little bit of internal honesty in her, even if she pretends there isn't, about the situation. It seems like you shoved the shirt on her to make your point almost, which you'd already made organically, so it felt sort of weird. Like making a good argument and then insulting your opponent, it just goes against the previous means of achieving your ends.

Otherwise, I liked the story a lot. Beautiful, but not ornate or baroque, simply conveying.
*
*


----------



## Megookin

Well written editorial on a condition all too familiar.  Kudos


----------



## Firemajic

Cyborg--Thank you for reading and commenting. As you can see by the other comments, I have had some issues with this poem. I have had alot of wonderful help with it also,and have made alot of changes. This will be an ongoing process. You are right about this not having alot of detail,as I wanted the reader to take over and fill in the gaps. I wanted to keep this simple...About the "Daddy's girl tee, I was trying to show the the child never gave on her dream of her Father coming to rescue her...Thank you for taking the time to give this poem such an indepth crit. Peace...Jul

Megookin--Thank you for reading and commenting.   Peace...Jul


----------



## toddm

I like what Cyborg said above, and there are always different angles at coming at the same issue - as far as drug addiction etc, things like that, one can focus on the bare facts, or make it a poignant meditation on the inner life, as U2 did in "Running to Stand Still", which is about a couple living together addicted to heroin:

_"And so she woke up
 Woke up from where she was
 Lying still
 Said I gotta do something 
 About where we're going

Step on a steam train
 Step out of the driving rain, maybe
 Run from the darkness in the night
 Singing ha, ah la la la de day
 Ah da da da de day
 Ah la la de day

 Sweet the sin
 Bitter than taste in my mouth
 I see seven towers
 But I only see one way out

 You got to cry without weeping
 Talk without speaking
 Scream without raising your voice

 You know I took the poison
 From the poison stream
 Then I floated out of here
 Singing ha la la la de day
 Ha la la la de day
 Ha la la de day

 She runs through the streets
 With eyes painted red
 Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
 In through a doorway she brings me
 White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
 She is raging
 She is raging
 And the storm blows up in her eyes
 She will

 Suffer the needle chill
 She's running to stand
 Still"

_To me, these words are not as much about strictly telling the facts of the story, yet convey something meaningful about the turmoil of drug addiction - I think that is sorta what Cyborg was getting at, but I could be wrong

 ---todd


----------



## Firemajic

I  understand the point you [Todd] and Cyborg are making, But for years I was made fun of for writing poetry at all, It was considered a waste of time, so I kept my poetry a secret, hidden away. So I am new at this and am still learning. I want to be more expressive, and with to the help of my Mentors [Todd and Esteban and a few others] I will learn. I WANT to learn.So your comments are of great value to me, and I am always amazed at your and other poet's generosity...Peace...Jul


----------



## toddm

Firemajic said:


> I  understand the point you [Todd] and Cyborg are making, But for years I was made fun of for writing poetry at all, It was considered a waste of time, so I kept my poetry a secret, hidden away. So I am new at this and am still learning. I want to be more expressive, and with to the help of my Mentors [Todd and Esteban and a few others] I will learn. I WANT to learn.So your comments are of great value to me, and I am always amazed at your and other poet's generosity...Peace...Jul



Well, I'm glad you don't keep it secret anymore : ) it's always more fun with an audience, and writing generally gets better when you have readers.

Poetry as self-expression is such a subjective art form, with so many flavors and styles, and no right way or wrong way of doing it; self-expression, that is - but it does take lots of practice to acquire the skill to touch (or hit) the reader, the Other, where and how you want to - so...keep writing, and learn from the feedback you get, grow and don't get discouraged, you have talent : ) 

---todd


----------



## Firemajic

Todd--thanks for your encouragement and understanding.
Thanks for all who clicked "like".   Peace...Jul


----------



## No One

Hi, Firemajic.

  This is a great piece that expresses a powerful message in the last verse.

  However, I think the story might be stronger with perhaps some more subtle tweaking with perhaps a new additional verse to help create some understanding of the girl’s experiences to help show a clearer path to the last verse.

  For instance, maybe if an idea of who the male is in the first two verses were offered in a new preceding verse to create a solid backdrop to the storyline of how not knowing her biological father effected her and why. 

  I think if the circumstances of the girl’s life were hinted at a little more clearly, such as by showing the relationship between her and the unknown male, for example he might be a mother’s boyfriend/husband, the girl’s boyfriend/husband, perhaps this might then establish a need for her daydreaming about a stranger, the missing father.

  Perhaps also include a line or two about years of imagining what her father would be like, perhaps along the lines of how she dreamed of him being the hero to take her away from whatever her circumstances are with the man (in the first two verses) as her way of dealing with life at this point. 
  This might also help promote my understanding of the idea that she is alone as written about in Verse 3.


  For some reworking of the innate rhythm, may I suggest something along these examples? 

  1[SUP]st[/SUP] Verse/4[SUP]th[/SUP] Line: Instead of _*crushing*_ perhaps something like: _*to crush*_ 

  This suggestion may help create a sense of force visually and sonically which may help produce a tighter look and sound overall to the idea of her will being crushed. 


  3[SUP]rd[/SUP] Verse/2[SUP]nd[/SUP] Line: Instead of _* that he'd_ *perhaps something like:* _to_*

  This suggestion may then allow the rhythm to continue unhindered as well as create a stronger relationship with the preceding line.


  4th Verse/3rd Line:  _*to her*_ could be cut to trim any possible redundancy in the image as well as perhaps create a cleaner line and structure to the overall verse.



  5[SUP]th[/SUP] Verse: I think might benefit from playing around with word choices and length of lines a little. 

  For instance, for the 1[SUP]st[/SUP] Line I personally thought using the image of the father’s arms again so soon diluted the powerful image of it in the preceding verse and would have preferred that image to be expanded upon here, perhaps by just showing how tightly he holds her, perhaps even expressing the effects that tightness has on her, maybe juxtaposition the image of ‘crush’ here except this time she is being crushed with love.

  2[SUP]nd[/SUP] Line: _*and whispered_ *could be *_ whisper_  *

  present tense may make a more intimate image by implying a sense of action. 



3[SUP]rd[/SUP] Line: _*loved and_ *could be tweaked.

  I think sometimes what is shown can have an indelible effect than simply what is told and the image shows he loves her. 
  What may offer a more compelling impression is the idea of her finding she is accepted so perhaps if he not only says he loves her but looks into her eyes, this becomes recognition of who she is.


  Verses 6 and 7:  I think that maybe the line about running away from home could correlate better with the line of what happens when she reached 15 years of age. 

  To my mind, logically it might seem to make more sense if the poem showed her age when she left home. One way to do this may be to offer a sense of her celebrating her 15[SUP]th[/SUP] birthday on the street, turning ticks.


  I hope this critique helps. 

  All the best.


----------



## Firemajic

No One--I can see that you took alot of time and put a lot of thought into this crit. and I thank you. You have offered some wonderful insight as to what works and what does not. Thanks again and welcome to WF. I am looking forward to reading your work.   Peace...Jul


----------



## TKent

Firemajic, I loved this poem. I have never studied poetry (but this site has made me want to just so I can better appreciate some of the amazing poetry here) so I can't offer anything on technique. I will say that it touched something inside and made me want to cry.  i am not sure which version I am looking at but it was the opposite of hollow to me. And the daddy's girl t-shirt is just so.....wow.  Great job!  Thank goodness you are not hiding your poetry anymore. What a loss that would be for us!


----------



## Ripples

Cool dude. Very intense I like the last part.


----------



## zerofirezelo

Thanks for sharing this poem. The subject matter isn't something I can personally relate to but the feeling behind it was delivered really well. I would like to see more like this and look forward to reading whatever you do next.


----------



## wainscottbl

> *
> But at age fifteen she found herself
> hustling for something to eat,
> turning tricks at night for drugs
> and sleeping on the street.
> 
> Found in the river:young white female,
> Daddy's girl Tshirt and levi shorts,
> Jane Doe,unclaimed and forgotten
> filed away in a police report.*



I  did not really care for it, not too much until here. On the imagery  level, yes, it was fine, though it seemed to me overdone, even juvenile.  But I kept reading because it was at least decently written. The last  two stanzas were powerful though. Maybe overdone and melodramatic one  might argue--I thought of Law and Order SVU--but still powerful and  moving. Why? Because it made one think of the suffering in the world.  The girl, who we imagine in the poem is suddenly dead. The reality of  such things sets in. The rest of the poem I'm reading about some poor  girl who longs for her daddy, who is a deadbeat or whatever. No that  it's not just but it's just an overdone archetype I think the last  couple stanzas save the poem for what I figured was some well meant  poem. But to avoid sounding like too much of a jerk I really like the  alliteration in the last two stanzas. It really boldens (is that a  word?) the already powerful image. It shows that such an image, in  poetry, is really made powerful by the poet's ability to make words  speak like music without a melody.


----------



## Firemajic

TKent--Thank you so much! My style of writing is to use a gentle approach and let the reader take over and fill in the gaps and nudge the reader in a direction rather than lead ...Sometimes that works and sometimes--it does not.I love that you understood the significance of the Daddy's girl Tshirt, that was so important to me.

Ripples--thank you for reading.

Zerofirezelo--Thank you for your kind comments, and welcome to WF, I also am looking forward to reading your work. Peace...Jul Thanks for those who "liked" this poem.:icon_colors:


----------



## TKent

Your approach worked brilliantly for me  



Firemajic said:


> TKent--Thank you so much! My style of writing is to use a gentle approach and let the reader take over and fill in the gaps and nudge the reader in a direction rather than lead ...Sometimes that works and sometimes--it does not.I love that you understood the significance of the Daddy's girl Tshirt, that was so important to me.


----------

