# Suicide thoughts: Natural, un-natural, phase or need-to-see-doctor?



## Sen Yama (Jul 6, 2008)

I've activly thought about it for three years now, about two or three times a week, and thought about it seriously.

I've tried twice, although half-heartedly...

Opinions?


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## OtherWorlds (Jul 7, 2008)

Wow, Sen Yama. I don't know what to say. I think everyone at some point thinks about it a little, but if these kinds of feelings are persisting I would say you should definately talk to someone about it--someone personal in your life who knows you well. Maybe a professional also. I studied this subject in psychology class but not enough to provide any really good answer for you. I would recommend you talk to a friend, parent, pastor, or possibly a health care professional.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

I've talked to a friend, but we have the same problem, and I worry that we might feed off one another.

Parents, once, but they freaked out so badly that I droped the subject and pretended like it went away.

I've asked to go back to counciling, but I won't say what for, and my father keeps 'forgetting'. 

As for pastor, I have no one of my faith in the area.

I keep hoping for that councilor though...

I'll make it until November before it gets too bad again.


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## Dr. Malone (Jul 7, 2008)

You need anti-depressants.


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## A-L (Jul 7, 2008)

Perhaps you should address what depresses you.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Nothing really, just an ache. That is what scares me about it the most. I have no reason. Hell, ALL of my friends do, EXCEPT me.

As for anti-depressents, my mom's on them. She joked about getting me to a doctor for a perscription, but no anti-depressents for teens with thoughts of suicide.


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## Dr. Malone (Jul 7, 2008)

Well, I don't know how old you are, so don't take my advice as anything too professional, but the kind of suicidal depression you're describing is most likely a chemical imbalance that meds will go the farthest towards correcting.  If I go off my medications, and back before I started taking them, I always felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  It's amazing how much the anti-depressants help and really turn the world around and make it a better place.

And I believe Prozac is authorized to prescribe to children.  I didn't find it too helpful compared to some of the others, particularly what I'm on now, but if it's all you can get, it has to be better than nothing.  I'll advise against Zoloft.  I felt that it made me feel empty and did not curb suicidal thoughts.  I just felt nothing, so suicide was as good an option as any.  Paxil is quite wonderful for me, though.
And you can always just tell the shrink you're depressed, not suicidal, if that makes a difference in getting the script.  If you tell them you want to hurt yourself, they can legally have you committed to a psychiatric hospital with your parents consent.


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## GodofLiterature (Jul 7, 2008)

Have you ever thought about lobotomy or electric shock therapy?

It's helluvalot better than pumping yourself with drugs.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

@ Malone

I know that. I've always been very aware of the "if you are a threat yourself and others" clause that is always there. 

Another question, can depression and paranoia be learned? I am paranoid, and I feel that it might come from my mother.

And as for age, 14, almost 15. I've already posted it up here on accident somewhere, so I see no point in hiding it.


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## Dr. Malone (Jul 7, 2008)

> can depression and paranoia be learned



I don't know about learned, but apparently they've concluded that it's definitely passed down genetically.  My mom is on anti-depressants, as well as one of my aunts and one of my grandmothers, and so is my little sister.  She's a high school senior, but she's been on anti-depressants for a few years.  I've found that the docs always ask if there's a history of depression in the family and when I asked why, they said it's inheirited.
Good luck.  It's no fun living like that.  I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I've gone to many over the years, and while the therapists can do good, the medicine the psychiatrists provide is the real solution.  The better therapists will even admit that.  I'm always surprised when I hear people in real life or on this forum immediately put down drug treatments and recommend "figuring out why you're sad" and all that bullshit.  As if we, the depressed, hadn't already tried that.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Well, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you've never felt a certian way, how can you ever know where someone is coming from?


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## 2.0 (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> Nothing really, just an ache. That is what scares me about it the most. I have no reason.


 
My advice is (since you won't and/or can't get professional help) go out and do something good for animals, or retards, or old people or poor people, cuz I'm guessing your depression stems from a combination of boredom and lethargy. This generation hasn't had to work for anything or stand for anything. The poor people in our society probably live better, easier lives than rich people a couple hundred years ago. And since we don't have to work for anything or fight for something that leaves us with nothing to do but ponder our existance, which will inevitably be drawn up in empty, shallow conclusions. It's partly a selfishness that we feel our lives should mean something but aren't willing to put forth the effort to make it so.

You say you have no reason to feel like you do. You say you've tried to kill yourself before, (and you don't say this but) I assume you feel that life is pretty pointless. So I have to ask, what have you done to give your life meaning?

And I'm not trying to say that this "fix" (for lack of a better term) would apply to everyone. I know there are chemical imbalances that need to be corrected in some people. But I feel that a lot of people out there would benefit (myself included) from behavioral therapy. The only thing my last shrink did for me was prescribe Adderall (to help me focus my thoughts) and give me worksheets to help me analyze my behaviors and ways of thinking. That did me far better than the mood stabilizers my shrinks had given me in the past.

I know where you're coming from. It seems to me you're very similar to the way I used to be. It's gonna be a lot of hard work for you to get to a better place. If you're not ready for that kind of committment, I would recommend smoking (or eating) a bunch of weed to help you cloud those bad feelings until you decide you are ready for it. We don't want you to mistakenly succeed on that suicide thing.

I realize that encouraging a fourteen year old to smoke weed isn't exactly favorable, but I've always strongly believed that being alive and inebriated is a relatively healthier alternative to being sober and dead.


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## Dr. Malone (Jul 7, 2008)

Adderall...I can't live normally while taking that everyday.  It's just pure speed.  I end up taking the whole bottle in the first day or two.  It does make you feel good, though, and focus like a geek monster.


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## Zensati (Jul 7, 2008)

Some people are geneticly prone to this sort of thing, I really hope you get the help you need Sen yama.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

2.0 said:


> (and you don't say this but) I assume you feel that life is pretty pointless. So I have to ask, what have you done to give your life meaning?


 
I know where I want my life to go, ant that is what I'm working toward. This coming school year, I will be a Pre-IB. I'm actually really happy that I got into PIB, as we call it. I'm definatly pointing my life in the direction I want it headed, towards politics, which is where I feel I belong. But I'm not allowed to do anything political until I move out. 

I unterstand why, but I don't see the point. My parents hold be on a short leash. I know most of what I'd be getting into, but it's not like I going to a protest or something. Just some speaches at the library.



> [They] give me worksheets to help me analyze my behaviors and ways of thinking.


 
That actually sounds like something helpful, not like the 'teenage phase blah, blah, blah' I got or the music CD to help me relax. It had no words, and music without words make me even more clamed in myself, and my mother potentially violent. We can all tell how often that got played...


On another note:
I want to go to counciling, but my father keeps 'forgetting' to schedual an appointment, and as a minor, I can't. There's no way I can MAKE him remember, but any advice would be useful.


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## 2.0 (Jul 7, 2008)

Malone: I appreciate how you generally jump to the important parts of posts. You're one of the few people that actually makes me laugh out loud. :cheers:



> But I'm not allowed to do anything political until I move out.


 
Ok, that sucks. Would you be able to do some volunteer work in the meantime? Man is a prideful creature, and I guarantee you will feel better about yourself if you're doing something good for humanity.

I think you need to reopen the conversation you had with your parents. Just be calm while they freak and wait it out. If you keep a level head and persist, they will hopefully understand that this is important to you and to your mental health. It's difficult for parents to take because they feel that whatever is wrong with you is their fault. Just be calm when you raise the subject, and keep raising it. 
If your father keeps 'forgetting' ask your mom. If that avenue isn't likely to succeed, buy a pad of sticky notes and leave them all over the house :razz:

If that doesn't work then bide your time til you get back to school and talk to the school counselor. Hopefully he or she would be able to help you persuade your parents.

Best of luck.


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## Strotha (Jul 7, 2008)

...


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

@ 2.0

I started to quote you, and then I just considered it unnessacary. 

There is NO WAY IN ALL OF HOLY HELL, that I will EVER talk to a school councilor ever, ever again. 3 Years of anger mangement taught me to turn anger into sadness, and 6 months of couciling taught me to turn sadness into a pent up energy waiting to be lashed out. My councilor tought me how to step out of my happiness (because I feel like I'm on top of the world, and I'll do just about anything that comes to mind), into tears.

School councilors only ever seem to make it worse for me, so that's a no go.

Your post made me laugh for no apparent reason

and then I noticed the post after you... sobered me right up.

And thus is the story of my life...


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## Writ-with-Hand (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen, 

You need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist ASAP. And there is no shame in depression.

You're young, Sen, and when young women start getting into their early or mid 20's they start having a ball (assuming they have taken care of themselves physically and psychologically). So, it's an awesome time for you to start working on your emotional problems.

Good luck.


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## Xejon (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> @ 2.0
> 
> I started to quote you, and then I just considered it unnessacary.
> 
> ...



Is that bipolar I smell?

You should get on meds, stat.  Bipolar Disorder is in my family and it is no fun for anyone.  Even if it's only depression you probably want to get on meds.  

I fail to see how your parents can't get you on meds if you've already attempted suicide once.  Did they not know?


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## Patrick (Jul 7, 2008)

You might have some of the things being talked about you might also just be insecure. I go up and down, everybody goes up and down but then I think about all the things I can do to put right whatever it is that depresses, upsets or just irritates me and I am ok again.


Insecurity is something you will just have to deal with because pretty much all teens are insecure. I know from experience.


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## Non Serviam (Jul 7, 2008)

Writ-with-Hand said:


> Sen,
> 
> You need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist ASAP. And there is no shame in depression.
> 
> ...


 
This post bears repeating.

You asked earlier if depression can be learned.  The answer is that the children of depressed parents do show a greater tendency towards being depressed themselves.  But anyone can beat depression--through therapy or medication--and go on to live a normal life.  Sometimes it takes time, and you need to be patient with that.

Depression isn't necessarily a result of circumstances.  It can be a state of mind; some people who (in my opinion) have no reason at all to think of topping themselves go ahead and do it, while others who don't seem to have anything to live for struggle on for decades bearing burdens I'd find intolerable.  So there isn't necessarily a "reason" for your suicidal thoughts and it may not be helpful to look for one.

Suicidal thoughts aren't uncommon, but they aren't normal either--so please do see a psychologist.


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## JosephB (Jul 7, 2008)

> Suicidal thoughts aren't uncommon, but they aren't normal either--so please do see a psychologist.



You can appreciate the advice and opinions of others, but in my opinion, this is what really counts.


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## Patrick (Jul 7, 2008)

Non Serviam said:


> This post bears repeating.
> 
> You asked earlier if depression can be learned. The answer is that the children of depressed parents do show a greater tendency towards being depressed themselves. But anyone can beat depression--through therapy or medication--and go on to live a normal life. Sometimes it takes time, and you need to be patient with that.
> 
> ...




A close friend of mine, who's in the middle years of his life said to me: "some people follow a black cloud all their lives instead of looking for clear skies."

I just think that's quite poignant.


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## BOURBON (Jul 7, 2008)

..


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## Ilasir Maroa (Jul 7, 2008)

You may or may not need medication, depending on the reasons for your depression/bi-polar/whatever/etc. What you do need is a professional opinion on the matter if you really feel in danger of anything likem suicide or some form of self-harm.

Prozac is the only current form of anti-depressent recommended for adolescents; but that is a decision for a psychiatrist and only a psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, you'll have to deal with your parents in your own way. If you have close relatives, you could possibly go to them for help dealing with your father's "forgetfulness". In fact, any adult you feel comfortable discussing this with is a possible ally in your fight to be taken seriously. Teachers, (you mentioned not having a religious figure around), relatives... As you said, you cannot force your father to schedule an appointment, but you can put pressure on him to do so.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Xejon said:


> I fail to see how your parents can't get you on meds if you've already attempted suicide once. Did they not know?


 
Absolutly not. Do know know how raw my bottom would be? [parents are firm believers in spanking.]

Bipolar? I don't think so because I never get happy anymore, so I don't have 'highs' to fall off of.


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## edropus (Jul 7, 2008)

Your parents spank you at 14 years old?


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Yeah, why? That's normal. If I do something too bad, I'll get spanked until the day I move out. 

NOTE: I don't get spanked often, maybe once or twice a year, so PLEASE DON'T call CPS? Thanks in advance.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> Yeah, why? That's normal. If I do something too bad, I'll get spanked until the day I move out.
> 
> NOTE: I don't get spanked often, maybe once or twice a year, so PLEASE DON'T call CPS? Thanks in advance.


 

The last time I got spanked was at five... but everybody has their parenting method, I suppose.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Seemed to work just fine with me


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## mi is happy (Jul 7, 2008)

It's the age a lot of times. Other kids are thinking of suicide and say it often. It's not anything healthy and if you're serious about getting ride of your problems, go to a psychologist. Not a therapist or a councilor. This is probably a psychological problem and none of them will do much except tell you how good your life is.


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## PrisonerOfPrey (Jul 7, 2008)

Hey. I don't know how your grades are (but perhaps you can figure out something of the like to help you out) My mom wouldn't find me a therapist until I mentioned it would help my grades. It was as if she didn't care about my feelings but only school. (She lived through a lot more than me and I guess doesn't get that i'm depressed for what i've gone through) Try and find a leverage point, a solid tangible reason they should help you.

Also. This is probably not the case but i'll mention it in case it rings a bell for you. I had really bad periods so I got on YAZ a birth control pill and not only did it help regulate but i'm guessing it fixed some hormones in my brain and that made me happier.

When I was your age I got on the medicine Wellbutin with no bad side affects. You may want to check into that when you get in to see a psychiatrist.  

Have you always been depressed? Like..sure you had your happy days but not everyday? You should be in a reasonably good mood everyday unless something happens. (I didn't know that until I was on my meds a while and then upped them a bit.) I hope you start to feel better.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

I don't know about happy... I have a baseline of Ehhh... Everythings ok usually. Can't imagine being *activly happy *everyday. That would be so draining...


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## PrisonerOfPrey (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen Yama, ehhhh (atleast how I see it) isn't supposed to be a constant thing. More of a eh! I don't know how to explain...I used to feel meh and sorta grey. Then I might see someone or do something and go eeh! yay, this is nice...eh. 

I never smiled 100% genuinely. I didn't know how to be normal. I got on my meds and I wasn't sure if I should up the dosage or not because I wasn't sure what was normal. And of course none of my friends could explain it because they'd always had it. So I just upped it until it felt pretty steady. Ok...i'm sorry if i'm not much help...I'm kind of in a confused state right now.

anyway...If you don't remember normal then it's really hard to strive for it. I guess this is just me recommending meds...


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## lilacstarflower (Jul 7, 2008)

If you've only tried half-heartedly, I'd say phase: professional opinion. See a counsellor and explore the problem


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## WriterDude (Jul 7, 2008)

Sen, no offense, but if spanking children was normal and works, you wouldn't have started this topic in the first place. 

Physical violence towards another living being (human or animal, doesn't matter) is always wrong, and physical violence towards a kid is about as low as people can get.

As for the suicide thoughts, most people have had thoughts like that from time to time. The trick is to find something you enjoy and keep focusing on that. It doesn't matter what it is. You like politics? Then why not try to be more active? Maybe you can't do something "important" due to your age, but how about doing something important at school? If you see something you don't like there, do something about it. It can be anything from having the walls in your class room painted to getting less home work. It doesn't matter what it is, but at least you have something you enjoy to occupy yourself with.

How about getting a pet? It would mean someone depend on you, and you'll be surprised how much that changes your life. Suddenly it's not about _you _anymore, but about that other living creature.

Either way, suicide is never an option, and especially not at your age. Your life is just starting, so please don't end it just yet. If not for yourself, then at least think about everyone around you. And while I know your parents might be upset, I suggest you talk to them anyway. They are your parents, after all. The initial reaction will be bad, but they will get over it and try to help you. Or talk to your friends. Maybe talk to a teacher? A priest? (any priest will do, as it's just having someone to talk to and that _listens _that's important).

Trust me when I say I know life can be though at times. I have a bad kidney and have had two kidney transplants the last five years. I lost the first transplant after only three years (they can last up to twenty years), and the second almost failed after only six months. I've went to dialysis for three days a week, every single week for two years, and each time took about seven hours or so including all the driving. And that's not counting going to bed at 3pm when I came home from the dialys just because I had an incredible headache. No one wants to hire me as my kidney can fail at any time (when the first kidney failed, I had to call my boss from the hospital and tell her I wasn't coming back.) So what am I supposed to do?

Even so, I get through the day with a smile. I have friends I care about, a hamster and a turtle that depends on me, consider myself a full-time writer (there's not much else I can do anyway) and enjoy simple things like nice weather and a good movie. I've learned to appreciate small things like that, so it helps me a lot. It can help you too, if you let it. All you have to do is open your eyes to the world around you, sweetie.


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## Sen Yama (Jul 7, 2008)

Wow. That's perspective

BTW 3 lovely dogs on this end.


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## comma127 (Oct 2, 2008)

Sorry for reviving this thread but I read all of your posts and had to speak up. You said everything was fine and there was no real reason for depression but your parents sound like they are overbearing and tell you that there are things wrong with you when you are probably just going through a phase. I wouldn't call spanking at that age normal and I'd say they are a serious part of your problem. Just my opinion though.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 3, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> I've activly thought about it for three years now, about two or three times a week, and thought about it seriously.
> 
> I've tried twice, although half-heartedly...
> 
> Opinions?


 
Hey, know how you feel. Just think about the stuff youll miss out on...Works for me...*hug*

We are always here for you.

claytonxx99@hotmail.com if you wish to talk more.


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## comma127 (Oct 3, 2008)

I went through a phase like this once, staying up until 6 in the morning listening to God know what, being dead all the way through school and then getting depressed enough about it that I tried to cure it by staying up late again. I think I even cut *shudders*. This went on in cycles until something just changed. I don't know what but it did. I talked to my friends about it and they all had some sort of experience with that sort of thing. 

I did some further research when I saw you OP and it seems that the hormonal shifts of adolescence can often affect you psyche in this way. From what I've read, get plenty of excersise, sleep well and please don't self-medicate. 

If you want to suicide, you probably don't think that anyone cares about you or that you don't deserve to live. That's not true. Just the thought of you suiciding has actually made me sad, and I'm considered a cold bastard in many ways. You have a gift of life, and whatever may be wrong, please have the *determination *and the *courage *to work on it and *not give up.



.
*


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## KangTheMad (Oct 3, 2008)

What comma said. And please, use the email I gave you if things aren't too good...


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## Sen Yama (Oct 3, 2008)

I have to say that I was very surprised to see this thread revived. I am now seeing a psychitrist, but see only seems to make it worse. This time of year is pretty good for me, but by elections it will be a problem again, until the next school year starts again. I'm enjoying my two good months to the fullest, and high school's a blast.

And thanks for the concern, if belated. But I'm at the highest of my year for about the next two weeks. I hope I don't have a violent crash like last year though. I'm just trying to see the good in everything, hoping that it will make my good period as long as possible.


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## Strotha (Oct 3, 2008)

I thought about suicide a little bit earlier.I just felt really lonely, though.


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## comma127 (Oct 4, 2008)

yeh I just found this


tucanbundy said:


> I'm going to snap.I seriously am.And I'm not saying this out of pride, but out of fear.I'm on the verge of a severe mental breakdown.I'm so depressed and lonely, I have practically noone to talk to (and noone who I can really tell anything), I hate being crippled, I'm backed up, I'm bored out of my skull, I'm very young but looking into the future I see absolutely nothing, my drug problem seems to be slowly redeveloping, I write but there's no point because noone will ever read anything I write, I'm crying every day, and I recently turned back to self-mutilation as a stress reliever.I miss my family, I miss my douchebag ex-boyfriend, I miss my legs, I'm sick of watching movies and TV all the time, I hate people staring at me in the street like I'm some sort of sideshow attraction, I hate being alone...I felt great just a few weeks ago, now I feel so horrible I don't even know why I wheel my ass out of bed every morning.There's no point anymore.I hate living alone, there's noone to comfort me.I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that I will snap soon.



I think the whole loneliness and no one to relate to thing really matters.


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## Strotha (Oct 4, 2008)

Get rid of that.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 4, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> I have to say that I was very surprised to see this thread revived. I am now seeing a psychitrist, but see only seems to make it worse. This time of year is pretty good for me, but by elections it will be a problem again, until the next school year starts again. I'm enjoying my two good months to the fullest, and high school's a blast.
> 
> And thanks for the concern, if belated. But I'm at the highest of my year for about the next two weeks. I hope I don't have a violent crash like last year though. I'm just trying to see the good in everything, hoping that it will make my good period as long as possible.



AWESOME! *hug*


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## comma127 (Oct 4, 2008)

Man do u just go around the forums hugging people?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 4, 2008)

Just the gals that I like


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## comma127 (Oct 4, 2008)

You remind me of those guys that pretend to be gay so they can watch girls get changed. But I must admire your tactics



.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 4, 2008)

...


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## KangTheMad (Oct 4, 2008)

Comma...*shakes head* You were one of them right?


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## SparkyLT (Oct 4, 2008)

...and I thought _I_ derailed threads.


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## comma127 (Oct 4, 2008)

not really no. I wudnt be saying taht to you if i was. Sorry for derailment of this thread.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 4, 2008)

Too late now...


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## ohdear (Oct 4, 2008)

Suicidal thoughts is common in teen years, but that does not mean that it should be ignored. 

It is difficult when you are a teenager to see ahead. You have nothing to grasp or inspire you in terms of having made it through, all you have is where you are at.

Great to hear you have improved in a few short months and your plan of focusing on postive things is a very good one.

One of the best things that I have come across to help with anxiety of any kind is something called EFT (Emotional freedom technique) It is easy to learn from the free download on the mother site.

EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else 

It is a brilliant drug free way of releasing emotional trauma from our bodies energy system. It is easy to learn and a wonderful self help tool that can be applied to just about anything.

Eating walnuts is good too. Helps balance the brain chemicals naturally.

Daily exercise is an excellent way to increase feel good hormones in the body. All of these things helps in our general well being.

I have felt strongly suicidal at times during my life, but I have to say, that on the other side of that, there is ALWAYS some reason for me to be grateful to have survived to experience the beauty and joy that life has to offer.

Meditate on the beauty of a flower. Grow an indoor plant, or even better vegetables or herbs that you can eat. Study public speaking and join a debating team, these are skills that will serve you well in Politics. 

Have a goal, put it on a sheet of paper and plan out all the steps to get there. Post it up on your mirror or wall so you have something to remind you where you are going. 

Train your mind to focus on things of beauty. Things you enjoy. You will soon be emerging into the world as an adult and right now is a wonderful time to be preparing for that event. study things that take your interst, learn a marshal art, or how to dance, or how to paint.

Just KNOW that there is many interesting experiences ahead. One thing I did to help shift me from a very dark place, was to imagine what I could do to make my life worth living. I did none of them, they were just dreams... but they sure got me excited about living again and for that, I am deeply grateful.

When you look back in ten years time, you will know that it is all a process and when you can take even the most basic ingredients and find a way to make them appealing, then you will find your way to bliss. Write write write your way to a beautiful space.

Wishing you well


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## cougar (Oct 5, 2008)

*-*

lets all be honest that at sum point life is jus too damn difficult, i hope we can be honest here. i can totally sympathise with thoughts of suicide because it seems like its the easy thing to do. the physical pain is more bearable than the mental and emotional pain. personally, i did something one step down frm suicide which is not recommended by any means but i did it to deal with the situation at the time...and that thing is self harm...plz dnt even think about doing it as it is a bad habit that turns into an addiction. 

people thinking of suicide need to think about things with their head instead of their heart...dont you all think?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 5, 2008)

Self harm is one step down?

you might want to reconsider what you said there...


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## Sen Yama (Oct 5, 2008)

cougar... bad grammer... wow.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 5, 2008)

Yeah...Rework your entire post there bud.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 5, 2008)

And on a writing forum no less!


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## KangTheMad (Oct 5, 2008)

Ohhh....That's embarrassing! Well, he _is_ in the right place...though he should be in his freshman grammar class.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 5, 2008)

I love your sig. But what is the bit at the end?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 5, 2008)

A joke that is a terribly long story.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 5, 2008)

I have all the time in the world to read it.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 5, 2008)

lol. You would have to meet the person to understand it. Long story short it was a saying of his in this mmorpg we played..


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## cougar (Oct 6, 2008)

well, suicide is more extreme in the physical sense compared to self harm is it not?


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## cougar (Oct 6, 2008)

By the way, are my writing skills really that bad? i thought i had good writing skills...learn something new everyday!


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## PSFoster (Oct 6, 2008)

Sen,  if you have down periods at certain times of the year--and you said you'd be OK til after the elections--you may have a Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Ask your psychiatrist about it.  It is pretty common.  Especially after the time change in the fall.  Winter is depressing to almost everyone.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

cougar said:


> well, suicide is more extreme in the physical sense compared to self harm is it not?



a step down means worse.

example:

--sadness
--depression
--self harm
--suicide

suicide is a step down from self harm.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 6, 2008)

PSFoster said:


> Sen, if you have down periods at certain times of the year, you may have a Seasonal Affective Disorder.


 
But I'm good between August and November. Doesn't that exclude most of summer and spring?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

Summer? Fall?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

winter?


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## Sen Yama (Oct 6, 2008)

?


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

Never mind then.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 6, 2008)

Now I'm curious.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

What seasons do you feel depressed and such?


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## Sen Yama (Oct 6, 2008)

Late fall, winter, spring and early summer


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## KangTheMad (Oct 6, 2008)

*winces*

nice avvy btw...


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## Sen Yama (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks. I've kind of gotten used to it after about four years like this (since I was ten), but what always gets me is my nightmares. I only have them then, and they're about things I'm afraid of. They repeat every night until I get over it.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 7, 2008)

*shudders*

wow.


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## SparkyLT (Oct 8, 2008)

Winter depresses me a bit. It's not as bad as it used to be, it's just that I hate being cold, and it gets _so_ damn cold here... Could be hereditary, too, because my mom's the same way.

Just a thought: working out helps with depression. It's a proven medical fact. Don't remember where I heard that, but the physical activity helps balance out hormones, and builds self-confidence and all that good junk. It works for me, anyway. Also, if you get into a martial art, that'll help extra, since a lot of martial arts (...the one I'm in, anyway...) focus on centering yourself, knowing who you are. All that jazz.

And yeah...I'm arriving late to this party, but...


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## Sen Yama (Oct 9, 2008)

All help is better than none.


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## AA (Oct 9, 2008)

Sparky, so true. I literally work out to avoid depression. Every time I stop working out, I start getting very depressed.


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## KangTheMad (Oct 10, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> All help is better than none.


 

oh yeah.


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## Sen Yama (Dec 13, 2008)

Hello again guys. I've avoided my spiral for as long as I could manage, but I'm back in it. (excercising did/does help a lot) Another thing that has really helped, strangely enough, is my poetry class. 

Right now I'm on the tipping edge, and not quite obsessed with the idea. Will report on any developments.


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## Sam (Dec 14, 2008)

SparkyLT said:


> Winter depresses me a bit. It's not as bad as it used to be, it's just that I hate being cold, and it gets _so_ damn cold here... Could be hereditary, too, because my mom's the same way.



It's called "Seasonal Affective Disorder," abbreviated, ironically, to SAD. Certain times of the year affect people in certain ways. Some get depressed, others get cranky, others get violent. But SAD is a medical condition and you could have it. Not trying to scare you - it's treatable - but just letting you know. 



> Just a thought: working out helps with depression. It's a proven medical fact. Don't remember where I heard that, but the physical activity helps balance out hormones, and builds self-confidence and all that good junk. It works for me, anyway. Also, if you get into a martial art, that'll help extra, since a lot of martial arts (...the one I'm in, anyway...) focus on centering yourself, knowing who you are. All that jazz.



Working out releases endorphins which aid in the removal of adrenaline from your body. This it what removes stress. 



> And yeah...I'm arriving late to this party, but...


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## Strotha (Dec 14, 2008)

...


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## mushroomgirl (Dec 15, 2008)

Whew. That's always a big topic, and one a lot of people are going to want to chime in on.
I would imagine I have a few years on you and most of the folks here, and presumably a bit more experience, so I'll just share with you my thoughts on what you may be feeling - or, on what I have felt in the past.
And I'll try not to write a novel!!
I was a miserable kid growing up - picked on horribly at school - I felt alone and isolated and like a freak, because I got picked on for _everything _and _nothing _I did seemed to help. I was angry and screwed up, and for a while I directed my destructive impulses outwards - I won't get into that, however - and then, when I got into my teens, I directed them inwards. I discovered "cutting," although it didn't have a name waaaay back then. I also discovered booze. And booze + cutting. But I won't get into that either. (Let me just add, it's like getting a tattoo, however - you are stuck with the scars, long after your feelings have changed and you don't want them out there for the world to see!)
I made several half-hearted attempts at offing myself, but I don't believe now that it's what I really wanted. I didn't want to feel like crap anymore, but I didn't really want to DIE. I think what I really wanted was someone to come along and fix everything so I'd feel better and _want _to live. Or for something to change. You know?
A little over 7 years ago, I hit bottom with my drinking, and I learned what it _really _was to want to die. I state this in utter earnestness, and hope someone benefits from what I went through. There is the semi-depression I lived in for years, that made me kinda-sorta not want to be here anymore, and there is what I felt on that morning when I woke up after my "last drunk," as they call it, and was in _such pain_ emotionally, I didn't know how to go on. I cried for DAYS. And I decided to live, not for me, but for my mother and father and sister and niece, people I didn't want to hurt because _I _was hurting. Even when I honest-to-God wanted, even needed, to end my pain, I couldn't do it - I couldn't be selfish.
My life has entirely turned around, and while I have my ups and downs and things aren't always sunny and rosy, it's life and I can live it today without drinking. I have a job. I have friends who care about me (go figure!). I have all kinds of interests. I'm always working on something. And a lot of the time, I think I'm happy. Go figure again!
So, my Big Words of Wisdom, from all of my years of experience, are, this will pass. Eventually you will grow out of it. You'll find something you love doing, that will help you enjoy life more. Maybe medication is in order. I am on Zoloft, which helps me tremendously. Writing is wonderful therapy - just getting it out of your head. I never used to agree that it was something one could decide, but now, looking back, I think you can. You can decide, I don't want my life to suck anymore. I'm going to work every day at making it what I want it to be. Sounds trite, and maybe it is, but... it's late and that's all I got!
Well, there is also learning to like yourself, and that is a big battle. That takes years. It can go on and on and on. But, if you aren't kind to yourself, if you don't like being with you, you aren't going to find friends who like and want to be with you, you know? I am just me, and I couldn't be more shocked that others like me, but they do!
Anyhow, take care, hon. I'm sending you hugs.


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## KangTheMad (Dec 15, 2008)

Sen Yama said:


> Hello again guys. I've avoided my spiral for as long as I could manage, but I'm back in it. (excercising did/does help a lot) Another thing that has really helped, strangely enough, is my poetry class.
> 
> Right now I'm on the tipping edge, and not quite obsessed with the idea. Will report on any developments.


 

Came here expecting someone else to be the necromancer.

Post some of your poetry on the poetry section here.


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## Sen Yama (Dec 15, 2008)

Thanks for the support everyone. And Kang, I do have poetry on the forum.


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## KangTheMad (Dec 16, 2008)

*nods wisely* I see.


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## Foxee (Dec 19, 2008)

Sen, be straight with your parents and that will light a fire under them to get you a councilor. Parents might freak out but only because they care about you. If they didn't freak out I'd seriously worry.

Nobody should be on depressants until they've been professionally evaluated and found to have a chemical imbalance that requires them. Don't take the word of a bunch of yahoos on an internet writing forum (no matter how well-intentioned the yahoos are).


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## bribee (Dec 20, 2008)

If you're dad keeps 'forgetting' to schedule therapy, why not try the school counselor. They might not be as good as a therapist, but they've had some experience in how to handle something like this. You don't have to have your dad make an appointment to see them.


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## Sen Yama (Dec 31, 2008)

During this thread's dead time, I actually did get a councilor, and I took eight to ten visits, but she made me uncomfortable. She suggested that I switch to a different councilor, so I haven't had counciling since then, so soon I'm going to have to get on to my parents again. And thanks everyone for the support, you have no idea what it means to me.


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## Dr. Malone (Dec 31, 2008)

It takes a few tries to find a therapist you connect with.  Took me about two years, but I found a great one who I can sit around and talk about anything with.  Hang in there.


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## Raging_Hopeful (Dec 31, 2008)

> I am now seeing a psychitrist, but see only seems to make it worse.


Hate to break it to you but it's SUPPOSED to get worse before it gets better. You have to pull out and talk about all the icky crap that you've clogged up your system with. It's not like you go to a therapist and then *bing* it's all better. It's a painful process and requires commitment to see it through. Trust me, I've been all up and down the mental health system and was misdiagnoised and screwed up on meds I never needed in the first place. Stick with the counseling and try and loosen up. Get out of yourself, whether it's exercising til you feel like you're gonna puke or sticking your fingers in a tub of ice cream (an alternative approach to cutting that was taught to me) Things that make you feel alive and force you connect with your body. AS more time goes on, the more I believe that most mental illness is a result of a disconnect with our minds/bodies/spirit. But that's a personal tangent that I'll spare you. 

I'm not saying mental illness is not real. My mother is a bi-polar who refuses to stick to her meds. Her life is HELL and she makes my life hell too. The most responsible thing is to love yourself and to take care of yourself.


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## Azzy.W (Dec 31, 2008)

I'm a teen too and a friend of mine apparently tried to take his life due to depression, he didn't succeed and i'm glad because the reasons were ridiculous. This is a sensetive subject and i don't want to provoke anything here but what are the motives for wanting to take your own life??? If your lifes pointing in the right direction why waste it and turn away now girl???


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## Galivanting (Dec 31, 2008)

Azzy.W said:


> If your lifes pointing in the right direction why waste it and turn away now girl???



and if its not... go ahead! off yourself. ::eyeroll emoticon::


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## Sen Yama (Jan 16, 2009)

After my absence for exams, I came here, and saw that you guys still care. Thanks for everything. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.


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## Dante Newton (Jan 20, 2009)

Being disconsolate is typical and pervasive,and there is no requisite to consult a doctor,for it will recover itself.


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## KangTheMad (Jan 20, 2009)

Day at a time is how to do it Sen.


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## Strotha (Jan 20, 2009)

...


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## KangTheMad (Jan 20, 2009)

*shrugs* Ignore it.


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## Strotha (Jan 20, 2009)

...


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## KangTheMad (Jan 20, 2009)

Thats good! And youve got a lot to look up for, youll be walking more soon, then you can go to the red light district...


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## Strotha (Jan 20, 2009)

...


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## KangTheMad (Jan 20, 2009)

Very satisfying!


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## Sen Yama (Sep 24, 2009)

Medicated now. Don't like it.


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## Dooga Aetrus Blackrazor (Sep 24, 2009)

Sen Yama said:


> Medicated now. Don't like it.



Medications don't work for everyone, and one medication doesn't work for everyone. Also, there are also multiple reasons why people don't like medication. Is it a legitimate reason you don't like it?

When I was a child, I just took it because my parents said so. When I needed an antidepressant as a young adult, I was opposed to medication. I was never confronted on this opposition. I just didn't want it. Everyone thinks it is alright to dislike taking medication "just cause." Not because you have to take a pill and remember it, not because it's expensive, just because "taking medication" is somehow bad.

That is blatantly false, and the vast majority of people don't get it. My mother suffers with allergies more than myself. She tells me she hasn't found an allergy medication that really works. I told her to ask the doctor. They might have a prescribed medication that will do more for you. This is a women who has had surgeries to help her breath. Her response? I don't want to take a pill. I told her it was ridiculous though I don't think it sunk in. It's ironic because she is a big defender of me needing medication. Yet when people think they need it, it's suddenly terrible. The same could be said for therapy. My Dad once said "I've never been to therapy, but maybe you should consider it," though I might be mixing words. He felt the need to "qualify" that he wasn't "one of those people." Not his conscious intent, but you will see what I mean.

If it's just the particular medication and the results, there are plenty of things to do about it. I took wellbutrin (helped as a child but made me feel strange, though I continued to take it). I took zoloft (helped my mood, but not my concentration). I didn't realize that it didn't help my concentration because high school was easy to cost through. I spent two years of university having difficulties partially related to not having the right antidepressant. After awhile, things caught up with me. I tried Effexor, and it made me tired but it wasn't terrible. It clearly wasn't what I needed. I took Celexa and had bad side effects. It looked like I was going to need to try something new, "again." Luckily, I took a small amount (eventually 25mg) of seroquel that dealt with those problems. Now I take 6.25 mg seroquel, 40 mg celexa, and I think 20 mg of thyroid hormone (somehow helps antidepressants work sometimes).

Good luck!


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## Emily6 (Sep 25, 2009)

Sen, it sounds like you have chronic suicidal ideations. I have Bi-Polar Disorder and when I crash from the high the depression is so deep that I want to reach for the pills. And I had. Winding up in the hospital to get stabilized on a new meds. Now, while you might not have Bi-Polar, I can certainly relate to deppression. There are all kinds of medications out there SSRI's, Tryciclics, MAO inhibitors. You don't like the medication you're on? It then isn't the right one for you. I had to try several till my system agreed. I would see a doctor and discuss medication treatment and maybe therapy. No one should have to live like this. And there "are" plenty of options out there. Oh, and I get that paranoid thing going on which is connected to Bi-Polar. But stand strong in knowing you're not alone.


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## Sen Yama (Sep 29, 2009)

It just makes me feel weird. I can't really write fiction or poetry anymore, and I kind of glaze overthings. My phichiatrist just says that I should be able to work through my issues with my meds. What do you guys think about that?


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## Tigerfeet (Sep 29, 2009)

How's about a fresh perspective?

What are you eating?

It's a serious question. I've been in your shoes. I was depressed and suicidal during High School, was on medication through half of college and right about the time I got married my depression got really, really bad. I also had a very good reason to be depressed, but I also shared that 'irrational disdain' of medication. Humankind has survived thousands of years without antidepressants, and at the rate I see people so depressed there's got to be another way.

So I started looking into traditional diets and it's helped, really really helped. I don't recommend going off your medication, however. If this is a rout you're interested in going it's not going to happen overnight.


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## Sen Yama (Sep 29, 2009)

I'm actually eating a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, more than I ever have before b/c I've starting working with a local Food Not Bombs chapter.


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## Tigerfeet (Sep 29, 2009)

The most noticeable change I've made so far is eating a big breakfast in the morning with a lot of protein. It sounds like you're on the right track there, I'd try to stick with the meds and if you feel like you'd like to back off, try it, but if the depression and suicidal thoughts come back you'll know you're not ready yet to go it alone.


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## KangTheMad (Sep 30, 2009)

Sen Yama said:


> It just makes me feel weird. I can't really write fiction or poetry anymore, and I kind of glaze overthings. My phichiatrist just says that I should be able to work through my issues with my meds. What do you guys think about that?


 

Well, it sounds like the med is working at least. Its affecting you. I don't know a whole lot about anti-Ds, but give them a chance.


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## Mistique (Sep 30, 2009)

...


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## Sen Yama (Jun 4, 2010)

thank you, that is a very good idea ,ostique. I'll try and do something like that. (sorry for the reserection)


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## Blood (Jun 4, 2010)

Hmmm...


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## Sen Yama (Oct 16, 2010)

Resurection...

Second med- made me manic for 10 days... not supposed to stop taking it though. Blah- life is horrible and my parents are threatening to beat me now.


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## Ricky Jalapeno (Oct 16, 2010)

How come so many people who post here have "Banned" under their names? Does it have something to do with what they put here? Or is it like a joke or something???


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## MEShammas (Oct 17, 2010)

Sen Yama said:


> Resurection...
> 
> Second med- made me manic for 10 days... not supposed to stop taking it though. Blah- life is horrible and my parents are threatening to beat me now.


 
Hang in there. Remember that although life ends, this is our one window into the world, our one sweet chance to roll around in the dirt or soak up the sun on a beach with our toes in the sand or smell flowers on a warm spring day. Remember that you don't need to live for anybody except for yourself. And know that there is always hope, and that although the world isn't perfect it isn't horrible either.

PM me if you want some advice; I've been through some cloudy periods myself. Really cloudy ones.

And there's always hope.


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## Scarlett_156 (Oct 24, 2010)

Wow, this thread is like two and a half years old, almost.  :|

I wish I was dead a lot--particularly on days like today--and I'm sure there are numerous people out there who probably wish I was dead, too, but as far as wanting to kill myself, that's just completely out of the question. I'm not scared to die by any means: I've wrecked my motorcycle BAD a couple of times and had daylight shine on a couple of parts of me that are generally only viewable on x-ray; I've overdosed on heroin twice and had the near-death "tunnel" experience; at this particular point in my life I'm a fugitive, not from the law, but from some criminals who are quite serious about hurting me and my poor little dog. 

So let's just say that Death certainly knows where to find me, if it wants me. No matter how much my life sucks I'm content to wait--it's always a good day to die. 

*Least Popular Patient In the ICU*

Anyway, moving right along: My day job, which is in the health care industry, brings me into almost daily contact with people who try and fail to commit suicide. In fact I used to work for a psychiatrist who had attempted suicide; he opened his femoral artery with a scalpel and had nearly bled out when a coworker just happened to drop by his house and found him at death's door. He used to remark in a joking tone: "Ask me who the least popular person in the ICU is!" (i.e., the failed suicide attempt)

A female buddy of mine once told me while we were sitting around drinking of her mother's depression and multiple suicide attempts; her mom finally succeeded (sort of) in snuffing it by jumping from an 8-story building. She SURVIVED this attempt and lived on in the hospital, apparently, for 3 weeks before dying of sepsis/gangrene. Nearly every bone in her body was shattered. My friend recounted to me how she had sat next to her mother's bed, in the ICU room that reeked of pus and rotting flesh, and held her mother's hand until finally she died. "It was such a relief when I finally knew she was gone," she said. Ironically, her mother was sedated the entire time and never even woke up once; my friend, her daughter, suffered more than she did from this incident. 

*"It's Captain Trips, baby, and I am sooooo horny...."*

In 2005 I was out wandering around in some fields near where I used to live and found the body of a man who had committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest. (Those one or two of you who already know me can skip the next couple of paragraphs, as I have told this story on the internet a couple of times.)

By some weird twist of fate, I ended up talking to both the lead detective on the case AND that gentleman's mother on the phone about a month and a half later. (The guy had killed himself because he was addicted to narcotic painkillers and his doctor was trying to taper him off. Wotta lolzer.)

What had happened was that I had, of course, contacted the sheriff when I found the dead guy and of course had to give a statement, let them take pictures of me and my footprints so they could verify that _*I*_ hadn't shot Homeboy myself, and give them all my contact info so they could call me later if they needed to talk (or if they decided that somehow that I HAD done it, in which case they would've come to my house and arrested me, I suppose; luckily it was Adams County instead of Arapahoe County, or I would probably--no, not probably, but sure as sh1t--be sitting in prison right now). 

So I guess the guy's mom wanted to keep the investigation open because she didn't buy that he had killed himself (it was SO OBVIOUS that he had when I had first seen him), and so what that meant was that a month and a half later the lead detective on the case called me and asked me if she could give Dead Guy's mother my phone number. She (the detective) explained that everyone on the case agreed that it was a suicide, but Dead Guy's mom was not believing them. "You don't have to do this," Lead Detective explained to me on the phone, "but if you would, it would really, really help. This guy's mom is so sure that he was murdered."

So I agreed to talk to the lady and within a few minutes of me hanging up, she did call me. I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with her. 

I'm pretty much of a jerk in real life and if someone starts telling me they want to kill themselves, I'll be all like, "So? Go do it then and shut up. Can I have your beer?" However, when I got off the phone from talking to Dead Guy's mom, I sort of wished Dead Guy would have been there so I could have kicked his ass over to the highway and back. She was crying, I was crying. I didn't stop crying for awhile. I don't know this lady, I never talked to her again after that, but there is scarcely a day that passes when I don't think of her. 

I can never suppose myself to be in real pain, or really suffering, when I compare myself to that poor lady. And what had she done? He was her only son, she was crazy about him. THAT worthless creep is out of his pain, but hers will continue on for years, until she finally dies. 

You--suicidal person--think your mom and dad hate you, you think no one loves you, you feel sad because you can't get laid, and blah, blah, blah, so you might as well die so you can show everybody just what you think of them. (You tell yourself they hate you, but at the same time there's this deep-seated, subliminal awareness that you snuffing yourself is going to hurt them worse than anything else... even though they don't care about you, right?)

The reason you think these things is because you are narcissistic--narcissistic in a sort of bizarro opposite kinda way, but nevertheless narcissistic. You think your pain is so bad, no one understands; meanwhile there are are least 3 or 4 people, and probably more, who would probably accept an untimely death themselves if they could only help you feel better. AND YOU KNOW IT. 

*Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch CHERRY BOMB!!!!*

I really can't stand my parents. They are awful people. The first time I thought of killing myself was when I was 9 years old. One of my sisters DID attempt suicide when she was only 7. I struggled with suicidal impulses for many, many years and made several half-hearted attempts as a teen. 

But just like pimples, the really strong suicidal impulses, though they never completely went away, got easier to manage. 

And even though I really dislike my mom, the thought of her crying her heart out the way Dead Guy's mom did when I talked to her... no, she definitely does not deserve that, in spite of her evil. And why should I give Dad the satisfaction? No freaking way, ya know? 

The best revenge is living well, after all.


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## Sen Yama (Oct 27, 2010)

Well as for the whole bleh-

Yeah i knwo theres no point in it- im not in enough pain- etc. I know it would hurt them more than me- i know they love me. Band yeah- I CAn/DO get laid- big woop. My life has changed alot... and in a lot of ways its still the same


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## Scarlett_156 (Oct 27, 2010)

Well, there's always the time-honored alternative of dumping your guts to a bunch of disinterested strangers on the internet!!


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## Writ-with-Hand (Oct 30, 2010)

Scarlett_156 said:


> I can never suppose myself to be in real pain, or really suffering, when I compare myself to that poor lady. And what had she done? He was her only son, she was crazy about him. THAT worthless creep is out of his pain, but hers will continue on for years, until she finally dies.
> 
> You--suicidal person--think your mom and dad hate you, you think no one loves you, you feel sad because you can't get laid, and blah, blah, blah, so you might as well die so you can show everybody just what you think of them. (You tell yourself they hate you, but at the same time there's this deep-seated, subliminal awareness that you snuffing yourself is going to hurt them worse than anything else... even though they don't care about you, right?)
> 
> The reason you think these things is because you are narcissistic--narcissistic in a sort of bizarro opposite kinda way, but nevertheless narcissistic. You think your pain is so bad, no one understands; meanwhile there are are least 3 or 4 people, and probably more, who would probably accept an untimely death themselves if they could only help you feel better. AND YOU KNOW IT.



What you say can be true but I don't think it's always true. I've never attempted suicide, came close, but never have actually attempted. Nonetheless, I think there are people who simply reach a point of such despair that the only way out of their misery seems to be through suicide. In cases like that I doubt "revenge" is any significant motivator.

And why was Malone banned? :| That dude was _awesome_.


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## Ricky Jalapeno (Oct 31, 2010)

Suicide is never the only option. Theres never just one option for anything.


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## Sen Yama (Mar 9, 2011)

Sorry to ressurect this for the umpteenth million time, but I begin to think that I will always feel this way, no matter what I do, n matter how hard I try. I feel like it's just a part of my life now.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Mar 10, 2011)

Sen Yama said:


> Sorry to ressurect this for the umpteenth million time, but I begin to think that I will always feel this way, no matter what I do, n matter how hard I try. I feel like it's just a part of my life now.


 
Perhaps it's for the best to think of it in that way; as something that may always be there. It's not something that needs to be reacted to, just accepted. Plus, I'd reccomend drinking tea, only thing that keeps me sane... 

I came off it once, to see if caffeine may have somehow been the cause of my constant migraine, but found myself unable to get out of bed for two weeks, for no reason other than sheer depression, and an even worse migraine. It was a weird experience 

My time was passed by staring at the ceiling and squinting to make colours, floaters, etc. Then the rest of my time was spent imagining funny ways I could kill myself, which is a bit disturbing lol. I didn't have any plans to actually do anything like that though, I was just bored enough to try and get a laugh out of it. Eventually I gave in and went back to my tea drinking  

Then again, might have simply been caffeine withdrawel that made me so bad. Caffeine restricts blood flow to the brain, hence why it helps me, but when people stop taking it, their blood vessels expand back to normal, perhaps slightly larger for a time while they adjust, and well... Not fun... But as long as you don't go without it for too long then it's great


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## The Backward OX (Mar 10, 2011)

You're all mad.


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## SilverMoon (Mar 10, 2011)

I haven't read through this entire popular and purposeful thread so my messages here might be redundant.

When I was a young teen I was in an extremely deep depression. I was put on Elavil which did the trick but it's a very old med yet I think it might be out there. Of course, I can't say it will work for you as we all have different chemistries. Till this day I suffer from depression. I am terribly allergic to all of the SSRI's so my doctor placed me on a very small mg dosage of Dexadrine. I battled with him for sometime over this idea because Dex is basically speed (My aunt was a speed freak. Not pretty). Since I've never abused my meds I gave it a try and it has done wonders. But if you have an addictive personality I would stay away from it.

Often times helping someone in need helps the depression. It takes the focus off yourself. What about working for a teen hot line? I've thought about assisting in this way because I know exactly what it's like to be in this hellish condition and I still might get to it.

Has anyone told you that you're going through a hormonal imbalance? When thirteen I heard that all to often and it enraged me. Like it will go away when I'm twenty one! All that matters is that you're feeling "it" NOW.

Remember you have several options to explore. Take good care of yourself and know you're not alone.


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## Terry D (Mar 10, 2011)

Sen Yama said:


> Sorry to ressurect this for the umpteenth million time, but I begin to think that I will always feel this way, no matter what I do, n matter how hard I try. I feel like it's just a part of my life now.


 
Depression is a part of your life which you need to deal with just as a dibetic deals with their chonic disease.  Since you have been dealing with this for a number of years, it would seem you are finding ways to cope, to a certain extent.  Perhaps coming here and resurecting this thread is part of that coping mechanism?  If so, that's good.  Keep finding ways to cope.  Find someone you can trust to talk to.  There are groups, and clinics everywhere, keep looking until you find one.  

Your life has value.  Find hope in any way that you can.


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## Sen Yama (Mar 10, 2011)

Thank you. It is a hormonal imbalance - but it's not the kind that I think will go away because my mother has very bad depression as well. Both of the medications which I have been perscribed to day have induced mania and/or a mixed episode -- neither of which I would really like to experience again.

And I love tea.


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