# A short film screenplay: THE ANArCHISTS 1500 words  Bad Language.



## qwertyman (Feb 9, 2011)

THE ANArCHISTS.

INT. A ROOM IN AN APARTMENT ANYWHERE DAY 
There is a central light over a table the shade is very directional, this is the only light. The shade is high enough so that when the actors stand, they are still in the light. There are two doors one is the front door of the apartment the other leads to other rooms. 

The sound of music leakage from an I-pod. A WOMAN is sitting at the table. She is cross referencing between two school exercise books and a sheet of paper using a ruler to make sure she is looking at the right line. Also on the desk are a revolver, an ashtray and an ‘ethnicy’ (Native Indian) handbag. We know there is another person in the room because smoke is blown into the shaft of light but we can’t see who it is. We follow the source of the smoke into the blackness when the screen is totally black a MAN carefully parts a curtain and a shaft of light strikes half his face and the white ear-pieces of the I-pod. He is checking the street outside. He closes the curtain. The woman closes the exercise books picks up the paper, reads it, looking over the top of the paper into the space where the man is.

*WOMAN*
*Ralph didn’t know the chewing gum *
*was poisoned.*

The MAN from the shadows, exhales smoke into the shaft of light as he speaks.

*MAN *
*What?*

*WOMAN*
*Ralph didn’t know the chewing gum was*
*poisoned.*

*MAN*
*Have you got the right code?*

The Woman holds up the child’s exercise book.

*WOMAN *
*Level one, wood-pecker.*

Beat

*MAN*
*Wood-pecker*.

Beat

The man moves into the light and stubs out the cigarette in the ashtray on the table. The approach prompts the woman to pick up the revolver and place it in her handbag. These two people are not at ease with each other.

*MAN*
(continuing)
*Who the fuck’s Ralph*?

Beat

*WOMAN*
*Ralph? The only Ralph I know is in*
*New Zealand.*

*MAN*
*It could be him...was he recruited?*

*WOMAN*
*I don’t think so, he was a milkman.*

*MAN*
*What does that mean?*

*WOMAN*
*What?*

*MAN*
*He was ‘only’ a milkman.*

*WOMAN*
*I didn’t say ‘only’ a milkman.*

*MAN*
*You might not have said it...*

The Woman leans back out of the light. One hand is left on the table.

*WOMAN*
*Oh don’t start.*

Beat

*MAN*
*So don’t start me.* 

The Man turns and goes back to his position by the window.

Beat.

The Woman speaks from the shadow; one hand on the table is all we can see of her_._

*WOMAN *
*What about that guy on the top *
*floor?*

The Man also speaks from the shadow.

*MAN*
*No, he’s a John.*

*WOMAN*
*Not here, over at safe-house D*.

The Man moves back into the light.

*MAN *
*Where’s safe-house D?*

*WOMAN*
*Don’t you know where safe-house D *
*is?*

*Beat.*

*MAN*
*I might do.*

The Woman leans back into the light - both are in the light_._

*WOMAN *
*What security clearance are you?*

The Man sits at the table

*MAN *
*I can’t tell you.*

*WOMAN*
*Why?*

Beat

*MAN*
*Security.*

*WOMAN *
*You can’t tell me your security *
*level, because of security?*

*MAN*
*Yup.*

*WOMAN*
*Listen Marigold…*

*MAN*
*Ha! There you are Marigold! *

*WOMAN*
*What?*

*MAN*
*I’m not Marigold anymore.*

*WOMAN*
*Since when?*

*MAN*
*It’s been changed.*

*WOMAN*
*No one told me... *

*MAN*
*Huh!*

*I’ve been upgraded.*

*WOMAN*
*How can you have been upgraded if *
*you don’t know where safe-house D *
*is?*

*MAN*
*I can’t tell you that.*

*WOMAN*
*Why?*

*MAN and WOMAN together.*
*Security.*

The Man rises and leaves the light.

*MAN *
*I can’t answer any more questions *
*until I am addressed by my new *
*code name.*

Beat.

*WOMAN*
*This is ridiculous I know your first *
*name, your sir name and which *
*toothpaste you use*…

The Man returns back into the light.

*MAN *

*Careful what you say. If you use my *
*real name we have to leave immediately *
*for safe-house X, shred and flush the *
*Code book, having memorised pages *
*11 to 15 and burn all clothing and *
*personal effects.*

The man returns to the shadows and the woman leans back out of the light until we can only see her hands.

*WOMAN*
*How can you burn all your clothes?*

Man doesn’t answer…
*WOMAN*
(continuing exasperated)
*Eh?*

*Is it a flower?*

*MAN*
*Of course it’s a flower, it’s always*
*a flower.*

*WOMAN*
*Petunia?*

*Beat*
*WOMAN*
*(continuing)*
*Carnation, hollyhock, lily, rose, *
*iris….*

*MAN*
*Don’t do that, you’re guessing.*

*WOMAN*
*Of course I’m guessing nobody told me.*

*MAN*
*Okay, I’ll give you a clue. *

Beat

*Okay... it’s yellow.*

*WOMAN*
*Yellow... buttercup?*

*MAN*
*How can it be buttercup you’re *
*buttercup?*

*WOMAN*
*They do things like that sometimes…*
*Er ... Primrose? Dandelion? Daffodil?*

There is a knock on the door. The Man returns to the shaft of light and the Woman’s hand goes into her handbag.

Beat. 

*WOMAN*
*Was that four knocks?*

*MAN*
*I couldn’t hear you were talking.*

Four knocks. They look at each other and the Man reaches across the table. The Woman nervously pulls the handbag onto her lap but the man is not after the gun he grabs the exercise book and flicks the pages.

MAN
*(continuing)*
*That was four knocks. *
*The Man finds the page. *
*Rapid or slow?*

*WOMAN *
*Eh?*
*MAN*
*Rapid or slow...was there separation *
*between knocks? *

*WOMAN*
*Separation?*

*MAN*

*If it was slow, with separation, we should say ‘enter’ not ‘come in’ which is for rapid... without separation. *


Beat. 

*WOMAN*
*We could say pardon? *

*MAN *
*What?*

*WOMAN*
*I think pardon would be better.*

*MAN*
*I mean what? ...*

Voice from other side of the door.
*2ND MAN*

*Is that you Buttercup and *
*Laburnum?*

Woman whispering loudly to Man.

*WOMAN *

*Laburnum! Laburnum’s a tree *
*not a flower!*

The Man also whispering loudly

*MAN *
*It has a yellow flower.*

*WOMAN*
*(still whispering)*
*So does a fucking tomato.*

*MAN*
*(still whispering) *
*It’s a code word, it’s not meant *
*to be easy.*

Beat.

*WOMAN *
*(in normal voice)*
*O.K. Laburnum get into the bathroom *
*and wait you know the drill, we can’t all be *
*in the same room at one time.*

The Man leaves. The Woman opens the door an inch and steps back to the table. The 2nd Man pushes the door, stands as a silhouette for a beat, enters and closes the door behind hi_m._

*2ND MAN*
*What’s going on, I can hear *
*you from the hall?*

*WOMAN*
*Who are you?*

*2nd MAN*
*There’s been a mix up I went to *
*Safe-house B instead of D so they *
*sent me here.*

The Woman sits at the table and puts the handbag on her lap.

*WOMAN *
*Safe-house D? This isn’t safe-house D, *
*why did they send you here?*

2nd Man approaches the table.

*2ND MAN *
*They didn’t have clearance to give me *
*the address of safe-house D, they said *
*Buttercup could give me clearance.*

*WOMAN*
*I see...when you knocked was there separation? *

2nd Man sits.

*2ND MAN*
*Separation? What separation? *

*WOMAN*
*Was there separation between knocks? *

*2ND MAN*
*Erm...yes...there has to be otherwise...*

They both consider knocks without separation.

*WOMAN*
*We’ll skip the knocks.*

Beat. 

*WOMAN*
(continuing)
*Come in.*

Beat.

*WOMAN*
(continuing)
*You’re supposed to say something.*

*2ND MAN*
*Oh yes, my name is Ivy and I live *
*in the woods.*

*WOMAN*
*Forest, you live in the forest.*

*2ND MAN*
*O.K. You live in the forest.*

*WOMAN*
*(sighs)*
*We’ll Skip the forest.*

Beat.

*Ivy is not a flower.*

*2ND MAN*
*No.*

*Beat*
*2ND MAN*
(continuing, guessing it’s his turn to speak)
*Erm...the violin is in the oven? *

*WOMAN*
(in disbelief)
*Why are you here Ivy?*

*2ND MAN*
*I told you Buttercup, you’re *
*supposed to give me the address *
*of safe-house D. I was supposed to *
*be there on Tuesday.*

Beat.

*WOMAN*
*Ivy?*

*2ND MAN*
*Yes?*

*WOMAN*
*I’ve just noticed something.*

*2ND MAN*
*What?*

*WOMAN*
*Are you chewing?*

*2ND MAN*
*Yes.*

Beat.

*WOMAN*
*Is your name Ralph?*

Beat.

*2ND MAN *
(aghast)
*You shouldn’t have said that… *
*this cell’s finished. *

He stands.

*You know the procedure shred and *
*flush, commit to memory pages *
*11 to 15, burn all your clothing, *
*destroy personal belongings and *
*meet at safe-house X.*

2nd Man opens door and turns.

*You’ll be downgraded for this *
*Buttercup.*

Exits.

Man returns to the room.

*MAN *
*I heard that, I’m not destroying*
*my I-pod.*

The Woman is still sitting at the table.

*WOMAN *
*How can we burn all our *
*clothing?*

Beat.

*MAN*
*We may not have to...think *
*about it...chewing gum!...send *
*a message...*

The Man leaves the light and goes to the window and opens the chink in the curtain looking for 2nd Man. Half his face is lit from the daylight again.
The Woman collects her school exercise books

*WOMAN *
*Of course, chewing gum! *
*What shall I say?*

The Manfiddles, putting his white I-pod ear sockets in his ears and smiles.

*MAN *
*Say...Poisoned ivy. *

He closes curtain into blackness.
Sound of I-pod music leakage.
*<END>*


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## NuSix3 (Feb 9, 2011)

This wasn't bad. I dig the mysterious plot behind this, even though it's never revealed, it's perfect for a short. You came up with a lot of cool, noir-like visual elements that I absolutely love but your composition and styling really needs some work. 

The very beginning is where you have the most problems in my opinion. Two blocks of description that big are no good. You want to break all those visuals into small chunks, introducing them one at a time in an order that's both relevant to the story and the mood of the scene. This makes it easy for the reader to play the movie in his or her head. 

I hope this doesn't offend you, but I went ahead and rewrote your opening so you could see what I mean. 



> FADE IN:
> INT. APARTMENT - DAY
> (keep it simple)
> 
> ...


Notice how much cleaner that looks without even reading it? I didn't make any changes to detail, all I did was tighten and add a little style to it. I refrained from mentioning the Ipod, not because of product placement, but because we never actually see it. Like the ruler, I think the music should be cut. I think it breaks the tension, gets in the way when trying to introduce it into the scene and makes the man look like a dork. 

There are some other spots later on that could use some work. You want to refrain from saying things like "These two people are not at ease with each other.". Yeah, I've read professional screenplays where they do that but the actions the characters take really say it all for you. Actually you could cut that line flat out and it would still be fine. 

Anyways, I hope that helps a little.


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## qwertyman (Feb 10, 2011)

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to comment, much appreciated. Secondly, I don't mind you re-writing it, I think it by far the best way of making a point.

A little background. An acquaintance, who was attending film school, liked a short story of mine and asked me to adapt it to a screenplay, for an end of year 'Exhibition'. The short story was set in modern day UK but had a vital passage on the Hungarian Uprising and a fatal crossing of a fast flowing river. I pointed this out to him, but he wanted it anyway. Three weeks after he received it, he asked if I had anything else. 

So I wrote 'the Anarchists'. Which is budget-location-prop-cast-friendly.
By cast-friendly I mean they can be of either sex and any age.




> I refrained from mentioning the Ipod, not because of product placement, but because we never actually see it. Like the ruler, I think the music should be cut. I think it breaks the tension, gets in the way when trying to introduce it into the scene and makes the man look like a dork.


 But he is a Dork!! They are all Dorks from Dorksville, if you don’t get that from the script it’s an absolute failure.




> You want to refrain from saying things like "These two people are not at ease with each other.". Yeah, I've read professional screenplays where they do that but the actions the characters take really say it all for you


. My concept, as a writer, is they are ‘not at ease’, the Director might interpret my intention as,’ they are ex-lovers’, or whatever. He can do what he likes but he should know my intentions – but I take your point.


> Actually you could cut that line flat out and it would still be fine.


_Here are my replies, in blue._
_· __INT. APARTMENT - DAY _
_(keep it simple) – __IMO it is relevant that this could take place anywhere in the world._

_The room is dark, nearly black with narrow slivers of sunlight cutting in from between thick curtains._
_(forgetting whether or not you like my style of writing, this sets a mood rather than just dropping in a set piece__.)_My concept was for the room to be 'black' dark, no narrow slivers of light.

_A hanging lamp illuminates a table, like an island in a sea of darkness. There sits a WOMAN (age?)._
_(Now that we have the room, introduce the table and the woman. It's not important to mention how high the shade of the lamp is - if someone can't figure that out on set then they shouldn't be making movies. It also helps to throw in ages so the reader can picture the character more vividly. A woman in her 20's looks different than a woman in her 40's). __It’s important when the director sends someone off to look for a location and the ceiling isn’t high enough!_

_The woman cross references between two school books and a sheet of paper spread out on the table, using a ruler to highlight lines as she reads. Also on the table - _
_(I don't think the ruler is necessary. Seems like something the actress or director could decide to use on set.) __Okay._

_- an ashtray, an ethnicy handbag and - A LOADED REVOLVER._
_(When you listed the items on the table, you gave up the revolver as the first item. That's an important clue as to what is going on with this woman and shouldn't be written out as if she just casually keeps a revolver by her side while doing research. List out the typical items first then hit us with the revolver.) __Okay*,*_* (not sure about ‘LOADED’, we don’t 'see' that*_)._

_Feint music plays in the background, as if someone has their headphones too loud. That’s when we see - _
_(I don't understand why this man is listening to music at all to be honest. Wouldn't that keep him off guard? Regardless, it's the first sign that someone else is in the room and connects us to the cigarette smoke.) __I’m wondering if you’ve missed the point. Nothing’s happened for weeks! Just internal squabbling and bureaucracy. _

_- CIGARETTE SMOKE blowing through the sunlight by the window. We follow the smoke to -_

_- a shadowy figure hiding in the darkness._
_(He's not the MAN yet, he's just a figure in the shadows.) __Okay._

_The figure parts the curtain slightly, peering cautiously out the window. The light reveals the partial face of a MAN (age?) wearing earbuds - the source of the music._
_(Notice that the MAN isn't introduced until the light shines on his face, The man should also have an approximate age like the woman.)_

_The man closes the shade and fades back into the shadows._

_The woman closes her books and picks up the piece of paper, looking over it for a moment before peering over the sheet to the man in the shadows. _

Thanks for your comments, what did you mean by 'composition needs some work'? Do you mean structure or content?


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## The Backward OX (Feb 10, 2011)

qwertyman said:


> INT. A ROOM IN AN APARTMENT ANYWHERE *DAY*
> There is a central light over a table the shade is very directional, *this is the only light*.


You do realise, I suppose, that this is totally confusing and discourages the casual reader from going any further for fear of finding more of the same? :?


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## qwertyman (Feb 11, 2011)

Your probably right, I don't think anybody's read it. 

Prolly, too Pinteresque.

The world is full of muppets.


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## NuSix3 (Feb 11, 2011)

> By cast-friendly I mean they can be of either sex and any age.


Sure, I understand this, however, my point is when someone is reading this - someone who isn't the director, perhaps a potential cast member or crew member; it is important that they draw a vision similar to the one you envisioned. I know you have an idea of how old these characters are, so just tell me what they are. If it is decided that an older actress would be better for the part, then so be it but you don't have to worry about that while writing. 



> But he is a Dork!! They are all Dorks from Dorksville, if you don’t get that from the script it’s an absolute failure.


No, I didn't get that. Your script is hard to read and I'm trying to help you with that. You have a vision and you have an ending. That's more than I can say about a lot of other people's ideas. Don't get all hard on yourself about it. 



> My concept, as a  writer, is they are ‘not at ease’, the Director might interpret my  intention as,’ they are ex-lovers’, or whatever. He can do what he likes but he should know my intentions – but I take your point.


In a book you can say that the characters aren't at ease. In a screenplay that's telling the actors how to do their job. The act of the woman taking her gun off the table as soon as the man comes near tells us that they are not at ease - why else would she keep her gun away from him? That is good action! To say anything more would be an overstatement. 



> _· __INT. APARTMENT - DAY _
> _(keep it simple) – __IMO it is relevant that this could take place anywhere in the world._


You are doing just that by keeping it simple and just saying "INT. APARTMENT - DAY". A location could be found anywhere in the world based of that header. You don't need to say anywhere.



> _The room is dark, nearly black with narrow slivers of sunlight cutting in from between thick curtains._
> _(forgetting whether or not you like my style of writing, this sets a mood rather than just dropping in a set piece__.)_My concept was for the room to be 'black' dark, no narrow slivers of light.


This was some confusion on my part. The man blows smoke into the shaft of light - for some reason i thought of him blowing smoke through a shaft of light beaming through the window curtains and thought i could set up that shot early by mentioning the light coming through in the very first few lines. Now I'm wondering how small this damn room is if he can blow smoke all the way from the window to the table. Why would the woman keep her gun out if he was so close in the first place? 



> _A hanging lamp illuminates a table, like an island in a sea of darkness. There sits a WOMAN (age?)._
> _(Now that we have the room,  introduce the table and the woman. It's not important to mention how  high the shade of the lamp is - if someone can't figure that out on set  then they shouldn't be making movies. It also helps to throw in ages so  the reader can picture the character more vividly. A woman in her 20's  looks different than a woman in her 40's). __It’s important when the director sends someone off to look for a location and the ceiling isn’t high enough!_


When the man eventually walks underneath the light we know that he is standing under the light and therefore the shade is high enough. It is not important and it makes your screenplay better to remove it.



> _- an ashtray, an ethnicy handbag and - A LOADED REVOLVER._
> _(When you listed the items on  the table, you gave up the revolver as the first item. That's an  important clue as to what is going on with this woman and shouldn't be  written out as if she just casually keeps a revolver by her side while  doing research. List out the typical items first then hit us with the  revolver.) __Okay*,*_* (not sure about ‘LOADED’, we don’t 'see' that*_)._


You're right, it's not totally necessary. I felt that the word added a little bit more to the scene. There are no laws against using dramatic license. Saying there is a loaded gun on the table sounds more dangerous than saying there is a gun on the table. It doesn't really matter, most people would assume the gun is loaded.



> _Feint music plays in the background, as if someone has their headphones too loud. That’s when we see - _
> _(I don't understand why this man  is listening to music at all to be honest. Wouldn't that keep him off  guard? Regardless, it's the first sign that someone else is in the room  and connects us to the cigarette smoke.) __I’m wondering if you’ve missed the point. Nothing’s happened for weeks! Just internal squabbling and bureaucracy. _


I most certainly did miss the point, this wasn't easy to read not to mention 75% of this screenplay is ambiguous dialogue that is meant to be confusing. I didn't get the sense that the man had been stuck in the apartment for so long, I took the music as a sign of bravado, an attempt at remaining cool in an otherwise dangerous situation. Maybe that's just me though.



> Thanks for your comments, what did you mean by 'composition needs some work'? Do you mean structure or content?


Composition is the rhythm of your script, involving both structure and content. This script felt rather clunky to me. A lot of your descriptions concentrate on what the movie should look like rather than progressing the story. It hurts the flow to mention so much about the lighting. It also hurts to have characters perform actions with no purpose other than to break up long bits of dialogue. Composition is knowing what to say, how to say it and cutting things that don't need to be said at all. Composition is almost never going to be right on a first, second or third draft. You need to get those visuals out of your head and onto the paper, but afterward you really need to go through it and make all those ideas flow, cutting the things that aren't important and keeping only what moves the story.


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## qwertyman (Feb 12, 2011)

Thanks again for taking the time, NuSix3.




> In a book you can say that the characters aren't at ease. In a screenplay that's telling the actors how to do their job.


 No it’s not, that’s like saying, ‘they are married’ is doing the actors job for them.


> The act of the woman taking her gun off the table as soon as the man comes near tells us that they are not at ease - why else would she keep her gun away from him?


 He keeps fiddling with it?– It’s a token of seniority? -
_I’m wondering if you’ve missed the point. Nothing’s happened for weeks! Just internal squabbling and bureaucracy. _



> I most certainly did miss the point, this wasn't easy to read not to mention 75% of this screenplay is ambiguous


 
(Splutter!!) 



> dialogue that is meant to be confusing. I didn't get the sense that the man had been stuck in the apartment for so long, I took the music as a sign of bravado, an attempt at remaining cool in an otherwise dangerous situation. Maybe that's just me though.


Maybe it needs to be said? – ‘they have been in the room for two days’ – or even included in the dialogue?

_Thanks for your comments, what did you mean by 'composition needs some work'? Do you mean structure or content? _




> Composition is the rhythm of your script, involving both structure and content. This script felt rather clunky to me. A lot of your descriptions concentrate on what the movie should look like rather than progressing the story.


Yes they do describe the scene and the atmosphere, I can’t think what else they should do. For the momentforget the descriptions. The script is about dialogue. 


> It hurts the flow to mention so much about the lighting. It also hurts to have characters perform actions with no purpose other than to break up long bits of dialogue.


 Please ignore the blocking and the lighting, what about the dialogue?


> Composition is knowing what to say, how to say it and cutting things that don't need to be said at all.


 Any suggestions?


> Composition is almost never going to be right on a first, second or third draft. You need to get those visuals out of your head and onto the paper, but afterward you really need to go through it and make all those ideas flow, cutting the things that aren't important and keeping only what moves the story


. Did you have any specific dialogue in mind?


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## mockingbird (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi Qwertyman from Mockingbird - think visually as a camera - the camera can't film actors not there in the light - INT.  APARTMENT ROOM, ANYWHERE - DAY - MUSIC from ipod - always uppercase sounds - next line WOMAN etc - CS of workbook etc - next line MAN blowing smoke - keep each action of camera separate. some dialogue needs to be separated by ... pauses as in - how can it be buttercup ... you're buttercup. Once a name has been spoken substitute WOMAN for BUTTERCUP etc. Give them names as spoken. I agree it's a good noir feel, but nothing actually happens. Perhaps Buttercup is bait - she smells a rat and kills both men - rifles their clothing - gasps in shock - CS of ID in hand - she cries out - Oh God what have I done? Perhaps more dramatic, but that's just me. I'll post summit here soon.


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## backstory (Oct 13, 2011)

qwertyman said:


> Your probably right, I don't think anybody's read it.
> 
> Prolly, too Pinteresque.
> 
> The world is full of muppets.



Never mind thinking that you're Harold Pinter... go read some screenplays and learn a little about structure and format. What you have offered for members to read here is not a properly formatted screenplay. I found the characters crass and unbelievable, there's too much dialogue for my liking, and the sluglines are badly written. And that's just for starters! Read through some of the comments by members and take their advice because it would help.


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## Terence Champion (Apr 10, 2012)

This is pretty good. The dialogue and the sense of mystery behind the plot make it an intriguing piece.

Ithink the stage directions/action descriptions are too many and too detailed. For a short film it is best to strip it down to the bare essentials in terms of action description - only put in what is vital. If you have to include these descriptions, try and break them down into smaller parts.

Also there are points where you mention how the two characters feel about one another... this is not needed. Show, don't tell. If the characters are not at ease with each other, show this or do not metion it at all. Let the audience grasp that fact for themselves.


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## qwertyman (Apr 11, 2012)

Terence Champion said:


> This is pretty good. The dialogue and the sense of mystery behind the plot make it an intriguing piece.
> 
> Ithink the stage directions/action descriptions are too many and too detailed. For a short film it is best to strip it down to the bare essentials in terms of action description - only put in what is vital. If you have to include these descriptions, try and break them down into smaller parts.
> 
> Also there are points where you mention how the two characters feel about one another... this is not needed. Show, don't tell. If the characters are not at ease with each other, show this or do not metion it at all. Let the audience grasp that fact for themselves.



Thanks for the read. I'd like to make the point that the stage directions are not seen by the audience and in the absence of dialogue the actor has to know what is motivating his action. (I am sure you know that - is there another point you are making that I have missed?) 
For example in a sequence near the opening of _The French Lieutenant's Woman_ Jeremy Irons is sitting at a desk writing a letter to a woman. As he writes he is inspired to leave the letter-writing and go to see her directly. No dialogue is spoken - therefore there has to be a stage direction to tell the actor what the scene is about. Most scripts have more directions than dialogue. An actor needs to be told what the scene is about and his relationship with the other protagonists, it's not telling him *how* to act it's telling him *what* to act.


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## qwertyman (Apr 11, 2012)

backstory said:


> Never mind thinking that you're Harold Pinter... go read some screenplays and learn a little about structure and format. What you have offered for members to read here is not a properly formatted screenplay. I found the characters crass and unbelievable, there's too much dialogue for my liking, and the sluglines are badly written. And that's just for starters! Read through some of the comments by members and take their advice because it would help.



Thanks for the read. You have to cut some slack over the formatting.  There are certain things that WF won't accept. This is copied from Final Draft and without spending a day on it, this is the best I could do. It's true the character's are basically cliches, there isn't much time for character development.  I rely upon establishing the relationship and would be happy for the actors and the director to make them believable, if you don't think it's possible with the dialogue I've provided - you may be right. I think it can, we have to differ.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 11, 2012)

qwertyman said:


> It's true the character's are basically cliches



The character*'*s _what _are basically clichés? :confusion:


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## qwertyman (Apr 11, 2012)

Character.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 11, 2012)

The character*'*s character _are_ basically clichés ???


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## qwertyman (Apr 11, 2012)

Go figure.


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## Kevin (Apr 11, 2012)

qwertyman said:


> Your probably right, I don't think anybody's read it.
> 
> Prolly, too Pinteresque.
> 
> The world is full of muppets.


 I read it. Unless your from another planet, this is comedy, right? I love the dialog. I don't know squat about format or lighting, but what they say is funny. Bumbling spies...lol. All that other stuff, so it can be changed. Lamp's on, lamps off, light from the curtain, alright...technicalities...uneasiness, I don't know how you show that..


muppet- is that a conjunction of meat-puppet?  Hensen was a genius...(who the efs 'peen-tur'?)


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