# Ride 'Em Tough - A Rodeo Short Story



## Anita M Shaw (Mar 30, 2018)

*RIDE ‘EM TOUGH
*​ 

  "Next up, folks, is our young Oklahoma cowboy, Eli Hale, who's drawn Crazy Eight for the third time in his short career. We all know what happened some months ago on his second ride! Only one has ever had a qualifying ride on this horse, and there's few—well, there's almost no one bettin' that Eli will outride his daddy here today!


  “As we saw ten minutes ago, Levi Hale earned a 92 on Hurricane Hattie. And there's three others with scores in the high eighties . . . On deck is Tad Morris from Houston, Texas. Tad'll be riding that ornery palomino, Sunfisher." 


  As Bill  Brown, the rodeo’s announcer introduced him, Eli wiped his sweaty palms on his faded jeans, then eased himself onto the tall, restive, buckskin bronc, and began to wrap the rope tightly about his fist. 


  Ike, one of the chute men hollered up to him. "Eli! You're pain-free right now, but you ain't a-gonna be in about three seconds—or less! Me, I got a bet Crazy Eight breaks your other arm 'n' leg, boy!”


  The taunt stuck in Eli's craw, doing nothing to ease the tension that squeezed his guts and put the Mojave Desert between his teeth. He hadn't enough spit now to wet a gnat. But the sweat of his brow and his palms might've filled a horse trough. 


  No memory had he of that last ride. So quick and so brutal had it been, he never woke up until the day after it happened. He'd ridden his way—disregarding all advice from every bronc rider who'd ever drawn Crazy Eight—including his father's. As the announcer had mentioned, Levi Hale was the only man to ever hold his seat on the brute for the eternity of eight seconds.


  Truth was, he never listened to anyone's talk concerning any of the broncs. Wasn't a need for him to listen! He was the son of a great bronc rider who was a Natural himself!


  Was only natural that Eli'd ended up, time after time, face first in the dust. Only—that time, he'd wound up wallowing in his shame and humiliation alone since he’d been far from home then. Alone and in traction.


  The east coast boasted a few sanctioned rodeos, and when his father mentioned Crazy Eight and a few other good broncs had been sent off to New York to test the mettle of bronc riders in those parts, well . . . Eli had packed his things and chased after the buckskin. 


  Was two months before he was able to fly home to his family. Recovery had been slow, but steady. His stubbornness wouldn’t let him quit his quest to best this buckskin bronc. No, sir! He’d ride him or die trying! 


  When he’d said it last night at the supper table, his little sister, Jaedyn, had shaken a finger at him. “You better lissen to Daddy, Eli! You better do like he says! I want y’ t’ win and not get hurt again! Huh, Ma; huh Daddy? We don’t, do we?”


  “No, we don’t,” had replied their father. “But it’s up to him, honey. He can ride dumb, again, or he can ride tough like I been tryin’ to teach him. It’s all up to him!”


  Passing him the butter for his biscuits, his mom had reminded him, “You still got medical bills, Eli. You better smarten up so you can pay ‘em! And so you ain’t laid up in some hospital clear across the country all broken up . . . or dead! Nobody’s wants to see that, Eli! Stop being so mule headed! Although, I suppose that’s how your daddy got to be where he is!”


  Seemed today most figured he’d be back in traction if not dead . . .


  “T'ain't nothin' agin y' boy! Odds're in the bronc's favor, is all!" Pete, Ike's partner, informed him now. "Your daddy's gonna win this event agin, boy! You're still just sittin' in the shade of his branches!”


  Ike spit and added, “Y’ will be forever, if you ain't decided to learn an'thing from him!"


_We'll see about that_! Eli thought with his usual defiance. _I'll show 'em what_!


  About then, Crazy Eight decided to show _him_ what. Took the combined efforts of everyone present in that narrow pen to keep the buckskin's hooves on the ground. He didn't care a bucketful of horse hocky about waiting for the spaciousness of the arena to dump his rider. Dump him and stomp him was his motto!


  Yep, when it came to Crazy Eight, all bets were on the horse no matter who the rider was! Even the famous Levi Joseph  Hale.


  Eli's smile was tight, therefore, and his eyes grimly determined. Briefly, he recalled his father's terse instructions to him before he left to join the rest of the Hale family in the stands.


  “Gonna tell y’ again, Eli; don't think about nothing but the present! Hear me, son? Concentrate! Stay focused! Y’ don't, you're done! Get up 'are, and believe you're the burr in Jaedyn's pony tails! Look—” His dad’d gripped his shoulder, met his eyes straightly. “Listen to me here, and I guarantee you ain't gonna be on the bottom long! Hear me? Ride this horse like I been tellin’ you, and I promise you'll score. You'll start makin' a name for yourself! Just—just trust me, all right! Will you do that this time for me, son?”


  Well, he was up here. Did he really believe he could stick to this animal like those dang burrs stuck in little Jaedyn's hair? 


  Naturally, he wanted to—but just at the moment he was torn between a grim determination of showing the world he was his father's son, and the belief that the best he could realistically hope for was walking away from this on his own two feet. 


  Eli checked his grip on the rope in his left hand one more time, and drew a deep breath. Letting it out, he nodded to the chute men.


  The big gate swung open. 


  The buckskin exploded out into the arena. Kicking up clouds of choking dust, he unleashed his anger in a furious bone-jarring, tooth-rattling attempt to dump his rider.


  Yet, almost from the start, it was evident that this outcome could be different. Evident that Eli had made up his mind in that split second to sit this bronc as he’d been coached to.


  Yes, this time Eli rode with a style and poise he'd lacked before—before swallowing his pride and humbly admitting even a so called natural took advice from his more experienced peers from time to time.


  “Will y’ look at that boy ride! He's riding “kick for jump” like I ain't never seen him do before!” Bill Brown's excited voice crackled over the PA system. "Danged if he ain't the stamp and that bronc's a love letter!”


  Or a burr clinging stubbornly to the long strawberry blond pony tails of a little six-year-old girl.


  Crazy Eight had sensed the determination in his rider right from the moment Eli'd mounted. This understanding seemed to feed his raging purpose, for he tucked his roman nose low and tight and reached his back hooves for the wide blue sky. 


  Suddenly, the gelding pitched into a series of mad spins, circling away from Eli's rein hand. He swapped ends and did it all over again—the move that had caught Eli napping both times previous. Thrown into the spin, Eli lost his hat and his balance. Shoving more weight into the off stirrup, he managed to quickly right himself and continue the rhythmic drumming of the horse's flanks and sides.


  With his right arm out behind him, way clear of the saddle horn, Eli demonstrated that, for this moment anyway, he was in command. A ripple of suspenseful wonder stirred through the grandstand. This time he was riding tough in his best effort to win the judges cherished points, the chance at the big money.


  Yet more importantly . . .


  "Dang, folks—I ain't believin' this! This lad could prove to be his father's son yet!"
   . . . there it was. His biggest reason to win . . .


_Stay focused_! 


  "Three seconds left, folks! If he gets thrown now, he's still stayed on longer than anybody else, 'cept his daddy!"
_Concentrate! Don't let this fool nag surprise you! Sail air today; eat dust again, and you might as well just pack it all in_! 


  Just one second more . . . 


  In the grandstands, tense as a wound spring, the crowd, as if one, held its breath. 


  BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTT!!!!


  The buzzer, sounding like a million angry bees, penetrated his numbed brain. He clung to his seat, forgetting to jump off.


  A horseman pulled up beside the still raging bronc and grasped the rope. "Eli! Let go now! Hey! You did it, Eli! Bail out now!"


  Bail out now! How does a burr let go of a pony tail?


   Bill Brown chuckled at Eli’s reluctance to bail off. “Now he's got the hang of it, he don't wanna get off! Brilliant ride, Eli! You might follow in your daddy’s boots, after all!”


  With some more encouragement from the outrider, Eli kicked free of the stirrups and vaulted off, landing on his feet, a little dazed but elated. Crazy Eight kept right on bucking and kicking even after two cowboys caught him and led him out.


  The PA went silent several suspenseful moments. Then the microphone boomed with the announcer's thrilling bulletin. “He’s done it, folks! Eli’s bested his daddy, Levi, by _one_ point! A true branch of a strong tree!”


  As Eli picked up his hat, dusted it off, and waved it at the cheering crowd, he could see his mom and sister jumping with joyous excitement. His dad, beaming with happy pride, shot him two thumbs up before hopping the rail to come meet him in the arena.


  “You can pay something on them hospital bills you got, Eli! Take your folks out to dinner tonight!” Bill called out to him. Then, with a smug chuckle, he called a warning out to the gate crew. “Hey Ike! You and Pete there—Tom, too! Don't you go hidin' behind them gates! When I said almost no one was betting on him, you know I didn’t mean _me_! So, dig into your pockets, boys! You owe me _substantial_!"


  As he reached the gate that was held open for him to pass through, Ike called out to him. “Eli! Mighty fine ridin’, boy! Mighty fine! I owe you an apology!”


  Falling into step beside him, Levi clapped a hand to Eli’s shoulder. “See what happens when you listen to them that know better? Respect! How’s it feel?”


  “Mighty fine, Dad! Mighty fine!”


----------



## Blackstone (Mar 30, 2018)

Hello Anita,

You capture what I imagine a rodeo to be like quite well (have not been) and the voice is good. I sense that you were comfortable with the subject matter and the entire piece comes across as natural. I like the image of a rider and a horse being like a burr to a ponytail, for some reason that worked well for me, and the dialogue - though rather stereotypical of what one would expect from rodeo people - was decent.

So, quite unusually for me, I am able to get along with the form and style of your work enough to consider the story as, well, a story. I read it again to make sure I got everything, and I think I did. From the point of view as a story - a narrative with a meaning - I would score it about a C+. No higher, no lower. 

You do nothing wrong, it is just I personally found it 'meh'. It was okay, fine to read as a three minute distraction, but I will not remember it, or any part of it, tomorrow. This is for the simple reason I knew where this was going almost right away and there was absolutely nothing that surprised me. The story has been done. It is the Disney Channel story of the rookie overcoming odds and realizing success. Add the scary horse, who isn't particularly scary for any of us who have seen a horse movie. Nothing wrong with that, but I have read it before, and while I did not find your character disagreeable whatsoever nothing about him really appealed to me, either.

I think whether or not to change this story probably comes down to how you envision it being read. In its current form I think it would be suitable for probably a juvenile audience. Not because I don't think kids deserve good literature, but because I do. This is good literature, it's just very simple. I did glance at your website and it looks like most, if not all, of your work is YA targeted and if this is for that same audience I think its totally fine - though you did post it in a General Fiction subcategory? A kid who was interested in rodeo or horses wants this kind of story to read before bed or whatever. You could even get together with a good illustrator and you have yourself a pretty neat middle-grade short with a lesson on Not Giving Up No Matter What.

For an adult audience, not so much. Adults will be familiar with this form of that message and will, as I did, find it blasé. In order to appeal to an older YA or adult audience it would need to have significantly more juice about the kid's previous accident, their family tension, friction with their competitor or just the dangers of rodeo in general. As it stands it is way too safe for an adult audience.

I apologize for a kind of schizophrenic review but I do hope comments are well taken.


----------



## Jay Greenstein (Mar 31, 2018)

> "Next up, folks, is our young Oklahoma cowboy, Eli Hale, who's drawn  Crazy Eight for the third time in his short career. We all know what  happened some months ago on his second ride! Only one has ever had a  qualifying ride on this horse, and there's few—well, there's almost no  one bettin' that Eli will outride his daddy here today!
> 
> “As we saw ten minutes ago, Levi Hale earned a 92 on Hurricane Hattie.  And there's three others with scores in the high eighties . . . On deck  is Tad Morris from Houston, Texas. Tad'll be riding that ornery  palomino, Sunfisher."


This is an info-dump of backstory, designed to make the reader know what's going on. But does the reader care that people they know nothing about did well or badly before the story begins? No. To people who know the rodeo it's the usual hype, and meaningless. To those who don't, it's meaningless. But of most importance, it delays the arrival of the real story.





> As Bill  Brown, the rodeo’s announcer introduced him, Eli wiped his  sweaty palms on his faded jeans, then eased himself onto the tall,  restive, buckskin bronc, and began to wrap the rope tightly about his  fist.


Thirty six words to get the man onto the horse. But the fewer words the more impact, so let's see what we can trim, and focus more tightly.

• Do we care what the announcer's name is?
• Do we need to say, "Rodeo announcer" when the event is obviously a rodeo?
• Do we need to know whose palms he wiped, given that the line is about him?.
• Do we care if his jeans are faded or new? Does it change the story if he bought new pre-faded jeans or if they're bleached by the sun? He wiped his hands on his ppants matters because it hows that they're sweaty.
• Does the height of the horse matter enough to get equal billing with "restive?"
• He wraps the rope. If we mention that he _begins _doing it wouldn't we also have to say when he finishes?
• Isn't is assumed that since he's wrapping it around his hand so as to hold on, do we also have to mention that it's tight? Do we mention that it's wrapped, and how? Or is a tight grip what matters?
• If he wraps it around his _fist,_ as you say it he can't grip it. If he wraps his hand, though...
• Must we tell the reader that he's on a bronco, given that we know it's a buckskin, and that it's pretty obviously a horse?
• Given that he's holding a rope, and the reader might not know that bareback riders have a handle, shouldn't we call it a rein, and have him get into a saddle?
Because this is action, wouldn't it be better to have two short punchy sentences, to speed the read, and give a feeling of time passing in his world as we read?

So the line reduces to:

As the announcer introduced him, Eli wiped sweaty palms on his jeans, eased onto the  restive buckskin's saddle, and took the rein in a solid grip.

This is twenty-six words, saying just what you did, from the reader's viewpoint. It reads faster, so it concentrates the event for more impact. But...because this is action, wouldn't it be better to have two short punchy  sentences with two separated actions to give a feeling of time passing in his  world as we read?

As the announcer introduced him, Eli wiped sweaty palms on his jeans and eased onto the  restive buckskin's saddle. Settling in, he took the rein in a solid grip.

That done, lets jazz it up a bit to give a bit more of Eli's viewpoint and reactions:

As the announcer introduced him, Eli wiped sweaty palms on his jeans, took a breath, and eased onto the  buckskin's saddle. As the bronc fidgeted under him, he took the rein in a solid grip.

The why: 

It's one word less than the originals, but now, the focus is on Eli, in real-time. I broke it into pre-mount and post-mount to tighten focus and present it as events taking place, not overview. In pre-mount he gathers himself together and pushes fear aside, by wiping his palms show his state—damp—then to prepares his hands for the task: getting down to business as he commits to riding. I added the deep breath as part of that.

In post-mount I mention the horse fidgeting to show the horse's recognition that the battle was about to begin (replaces "restive but places it as happening recognition of the reader mounting), as well as his noting but not reacting to it. Instead he focuses on what matters, a good grip on the rein. I mentioned it as a rein, not a rope to show that he didn't grip the saddle, or a belly-band.  The words are focused on what matters to our rider, not details the reader doesn't need. Instead of detail, I focused on the rider's view of the events and reaction to them, not visual details the reader can't see and doesn't care about.

In general, you're telling the reader the story in your own words, as a storyteller. But it's his story to live. And since the reader can neither hear nor see you, or how you would perform the story, your delivery and technique is unknowable. You can tell us how the protagonist might speak a line, for example. But you can't tell us how the narrator does, so the narrator's words are lifeless—an external viewer's explanation of the events, dispassionately presented.

As you read, you know the scene, and the character, so it lives. But the reader has only what your words suggest to them. And that's based on their background and experience, not yours. So the trick is to present the story from _his_ viewpoint—from the inside out. That matters a great deal. The first of my articles, _Inside Out,_ talks about that, and might clarify why it matters so much.

It's not a matter of your talent, or how well you write. It's just that there are tricks of every trade/profession that we don't learn in our school days. And we no more learn the secrets of writing fiction that sings in our school days than how to write a screenplay, or be a reporter. So some time picking up that specialized knowledge would be a wise investment. For all we know you ooze talent from every pore, but as with everything, untrained talent is no more than unrealized potential.

As a minor point, dump the exclamation points,  If the pros can get by with one a chapter instead of sixty-six, so can you. The excitement belongs in the writing, not the punctuation! :tennis: 

So, hit the library's fiction writing section, and the articles on writing here and on the Internet. If you've not done so join the Romance Writers of America. They're a helpful and friendly bunch, and a fine resource. My personal suggestion, as it usually is, is to seek out the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover of a book on fiction writing techniques. They're gold.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.


----------



## Blackstone (Mar 31, 2018)

Jay Greenstein said:


> This is an info-dump of backstory, designed to make the reader know what's going on. But does the reader care that people they know nothing about did well or badly before the story begins? No. To people who know the rodeo it's the usual hype, and meaningless. To those who don't, it's meaningless. But of most importance, it delays the arrival of the real story.Thirty six words to get the man onto the horse. But the fewer words the more impact, so let's see what we can trim, and focus more tightly.
> 
> 
> • Do we care what the announcer's name is?
> ...






Hello Jay,


I don't normally critique a critique but I have a few issues with your comments here and would like to, as somebody who has been doing this for awhile and feels fairly confident in assessment of quality, offer some respectful rebuttals of some (not all) of the points you raise. The author can then decide where she stands.


1. _*"This is an info-dump of backstory, designed to make the reader know what's going on. But does the reader care that people they know nothing about did well or badly before the story begins? No. "*_


I am as opposed to 'info dumps' as the next humble tinker, but I hardly think a sentence or two constitutes as one. By definition for something to be an info dump it has to be a large quantity. This is not a large quantity of information, in my opinion. You ask if the reader cares about how well the character has done in the past. I can honestly state I do, and my issue with the story is that this is not explored enough, that the author seemed to almost feel disinclined to provide the backstory and context (which is one of the reasons I feel she meant this for a younger audience)


2. _*"To people who know the rodeo it's the usual hype, and meaningless. To those who don't, it's meaningless. But of most importance, it delays the arrival of the real story. Thirty six words to get the man onto the horse."*_


I do not know the rodeo at all and, from that standpoint, the atmosphere and opportunity to engage with the subject matter was of interest. Again I strongly feel the author actually, if anything, shorted me on this front. As I am unlikely to ever visit a rodeo I would have personally enjoyed some hard-hitting description here, especially since I feel the author would have executed well. 


3. _*"But the fewer words the more impact"*_


This is not a true statement and should not be asserted as such. Fortunately this author probably knows this, but I advise against you giving incorrect advice that may influence a newer or more impressionable author to write lesser fiction (which is actually the main reason I am making my disagreement with you public, by the way). 


I am not being contrarian on this, but you cannot possibly believe such a basically flawed absolute that "fewer words = more impact". If that is true then by necessity all shorter stories are better than all longer stories. Did War & Peace lack impact? Should Lord Of The Rings have been cut in half? No. It isn't about fewer words, it's about not using the wrong words and certainly not using more than is needed.

With that in mind, I think you really mean to advocate less overwrite and dwelling overlong on images and points that are not part of the story. That is fine and I agree. However I cannot find a single example in this piece of the author doing that. *To demonstrate how flawed your advice is here I would like to point out that "As Bill Brown, the rodeo’s announcer introduced him, Eli wiped his sweaty palms on his faded jeans, then eased himself onto the tall, restive, buckskin bronc, and began to wrap the rope tightly about his fist" is 36 words where your 'reduced' version of the same sentence "As the announcer introduced him, Eli wiped sweaty palms on his jeans, took a breath, and eased onto the buckskin's saddle. As the bronc fidgeted under him, he took the rein in a solid grip." is 35 words.* So for all that instructional about words and how 'fewer words is more impact' you were able to reduce the sentence by exactly one word (so essentially you got rid of the name) which suggests you are not following your own philosophy does it not?


4. _*"In general, you're telling the reader the story in your own words, as a storyteller. But it's his story to live. And since the reader can neither hear nor see you, or how you would perform the story, your delivery and technique is unknowable. You can tell us how the protagonist might speak a line, for example. But you can't tell us how the narrator does, so the narrator's words are lifeless—an external viewer's explanation of the events, dispassionately presented."*_


This makes no sense, or perhaps I am just not intelligent enough to understand it. It sounds like this could be applied to any story told in a third-person viewpoint, that anytime the narrator and the protagonist are not one and the same the story becomes ''dispassionate''. Again, I can respect if you just dislike all third-person omniscient narrative (in which case you might find yourself with a rather restricted reading list...) but you are masquerading this as being some kind of gospel fact which it is not. I had no issue with the voice whatsoever. I just wanted more substance.


----------



## Bayview (Mar 31, 2018)

I think the writing was solid, but I'm with Blackstone in hoping for something _more_. A final twist to the story, a clearer picture of Eli's character and why he had trouble taking advice in the first place, a more tense/poignant relationship within the family... something.

And there are a few awkward bits that interfered with the flow, for me... like the first paragraph, there seems to be a word missing in "Only one has ever had a qualifying ride on this horse," right after "one". I think saddle bronc is just for men, so maybe "man"? Or else "rider" or something?

Then later on I stumbled over "No memory had he of that last ride." I'm not sure if it's a deliberate style choice, but I feel like if you're going to use "old-timey" language, or whatever that's meant to be, it needs to be more consistent through the story. As it is, I'd just go for "he had no memory...".

And then... I'm really not sure what the difference in riding style is between this time and the last time. Everything I'm seeing seems to come down to determination and grit rather than technical merit - if he's following secret advice from his father, I'd like to have a better idea of what that advice is! Now, I don't know much/anything about bronc riding, so I'd need the advice either written in very simple terms or else presented in a way that makes it clear that I don't need to understand it, but just need to know that Eli if following it.

I'm not really a rodeo fan, but there's definitely room for a lot of great fiction coming from that setting! If you know it as well as you seem to, I hope you write more in that area.


----------



## Jay Greenstein (Apr 1, 2018)

> I am as opposed to 'info dumps' as the next humble tinker, but I hardly think a sentence or two constitutes as one.


It does when it's telling the reader what happened before the story began instead of beginning the story. At that point the reader doesn't yet know who the protagonist is, or where we are in time or space. The "announcer" talks about things for which the reader has no context, and so is providing data, with no entertainment value. At any story's beginning the reader arrives with mild curiosity, which quickly fades unless we change it to active interest. Emotional issues do that. Facts don't. Were that not true, history books would be popular reading.

                   “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
  ~ E. L. Doctorow


What can it mean to a reader who knows nothing about the upcoming ride to hear, "We all know what happened some months ago on his second ride!"?  Nothing. It's data that will be clarified later in a far more interesting way. But if it really matters, and the reader needs the information to appreciate the ride, the story should begin there. If not, begin with story, not history. This opening paragraph would probably be where the rejection slip appears.

                   “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”
  ~ James H. Schmitz





> I do not know the rodeo at all and, from that standpoint, the atmosphere  and opportunity to engage with the subject matter was of interest.  Again I strongly feel the author actually, if anything, shorted me on  this front. As I am unlikely to ever visit a rodeo I would have  personally enjoyed some hard-hitting description here, especially since I  feel the author would have executed well.


It's 100% telling. The way to make the reader know what a rodeo is is to make them live it in real-time, tasting the dust and breathing the scents. But in this the only senses used were sigh and sound. This is an action scene, but it opens with a talking head and no viewpoint other then the writer's—and talking heads are the kiss of death.





> This is not a true statement and should not be asserted as such.


Sorry, but in an action scene you want short terse sentences. And that's not opinion. You'll find it in any book on writing and every classroom.


If you've ever heard the term, "tightening the prose," that's what it's talking about. George Orwell said it well, with his five rules. (italics are mine)



> 1. “Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.”
> _2. “Never use a long word where a short one will do.” _
> 
> _3. “If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.”  [/FONT]_[FONT=&quot]4. Never use the passive [voice] where you can use the active.
> ...





> I am not being contrarian on this, but you cannot possibly believe such a  basically flawed absolute that "fewer words = more impact".


a shorter sentence reads faster then a long one. If you take longer to describe a character doing something then it takes to do it in life, the story moves in slow motion. That's pretty much writing 101. I'm not talking about the length of the book, but using more words than necessary in a sentence.





> So for all that instructional about words and how 'fewer words is more  impact' you were able to reduce the sentence by exactly one word


You've missed the point. In the original we learn only the fact that he gets on a horse. There is no character development and the scene setting is generic. In one less word I was able to show the character's mindset—his initial nervousness changing to a focus on what must be done. The horse responded to his weight, rather than just being generically active. We learn that the horse is saddled, and that the rider is holding a rein, not the generic "rope." You forget that in the first cut I showed said everything the original did in  ten words less. So it reads much faster. But the original was fact-based and lacked life, which I placed in and still ended up with a faster read.





> This makes no sense, or perhaps I am just not intelligent enough to  understand it. It sounds like this could be applied to any story told in  a third-person viewpoint, that anytime the narrator and the protagonist  are not one and the same the story becomes ''dispassionate''.


What you missed is that we cannot "tell" a story on the page. In this case the author is transcribing himself speaking the story to an audience (something pretty much what half the hopeful writers do), and that cannot work because when storytelling in person your performance carries as much meaning as what the words. The storyteller's use of cadence, tone, and all the other tricks of placing emotion into their voice is missing on the page. Gone, too, are the visuals like expression, gesture, eye movement, body language and gesture. So what's left? A dry recitation, presented by a voice that has only the emotion inherent to the words and punctuation. Have your computer read the piece aloud and you'll hear the problem.

Take a simple example: "Jack, you truly are a bastard." How did you read it? As angry? Happy? Is it deadly insult or high praise? It might also be a doctor giving a DNA report. In person, we'd know how it was meant if we could either see or hear the storyteller. But on the page, without the performance, it can't work. That's part of the reason most films are not the same as the book.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the "person" of the narrative. There is zero difference between,

Matt walked to the garage to get his car.
I walked to the garage to get my car.
You walked to the garage to get your car.

In all cases the same man walks to the same garage to get the same car, because for the most part person is an authorial choice. Viewpoint, though, is a very different, and vital thing, because it's what brings the story to life. And when the narrator tells the story the only viewpoint is the narrator's. There's not enough space to cover that subject here, but my article, _What in the Hell is POV? _demonstrates how much effect viewpoint has on a given scene, and may clarify.

Hope this helps.


----------



## Blackstone (Apr 1, 2018)

Jay Greenstein said:


> It does when it's telling the reader what happened before the story began instead of beginning the story. At that point the reader doesn't yet know who the protagonist is, or where we are in time or space. The "announcer" talks about things for which the reader has no context, and so is providing data, with no entertainment value. At any story's beginning the reader arrives with mild curiosity, which quickly fades unless we change it to active interest. Emotional issues do that. Facts don't. Were that not true, history books would be popular reading.
> 
> “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
> ~ E. L. Doctorow
> ...



Hi Jay,

In consideration of the author who posted this story and the board as a whole I am going to ignore the rather condescending tone of some of your comments ("that's pretty much writing 101", "have your computer read it aloud", etc) and cut to the chase on this. I have read other similar critiques of yours so please know none of the following comes 'off the cuff'.

I respect your view on narrative voice, but you are simply wrong that the bulk of what you have said is applicable here. The opening, which you seem to dislike so much, is a fragment of speech that provides several pieces of information about the character that are indisputably important to understanding the scene. You may advocate a word here being cut, that's fine, but it's not a bad _way_ to begin a story about a rodeo. That is not an opinion - I have my own opinions on the quality of the writing - but fact. Many well written and published works begin with some similar 'broadcast' that sets the scene and introduces a character or situation be it an announcer or something analogous such as a radio broadcast or newspaper article. And because it is fact I can say you are incorrect that it is an 'info dump' or 'data'. It is story.

"Sorry, but in an action scene you want short terse sentences. And that's not opinion. You'll find it in any book on writing and every classroom."

Here is an excerpt from George RR Martin's "Storm Of Swords" about the famous Red Wedding scene: 

_ ‘‘She saw Smalljon Umber wrestle a table off its trestles. Crossbow bolts thudded into the wood, one two three, as he flung it down on top of his king. Robin Flint was ringed by Freys, their daggers rising and falling as Ser Wendel Manderly rose ponderously to his feet, holding his leg of lamb. A quarrel went in his open mouth and came out the back of his neck. Ser Wendel crashed forward, knocking the table off its trestles and sending cups, flagons, trenchers, platters, turnips, beets, and wine bouncing, spilling, and sliding across the floor."_

^A good action scene is NOT about simply making your sentences short/terse. That is a beginner writer's assumption for which I blame the blogs. 

A good action scene is about instilling a rhythm that emulates a sense of _chaos_. The above excerpt has, mostly, sentences of quite ordinary _length_ (about the same as anywhere else in the book) but the _urgency _comes from the alterations in short-long to emulate the clatter of activity. Tolkien's are even more so - just didn't have a copy close at hand. 

However, just to prove the point, in the style of Jay Greenstein I will write the same scene below adopting the 'fewer words has more impact" hypothesis but maintaining all the key information: 

_ ‘‘Smalljon Umber knocked the table over. Crossbow bolts thudded. He flung it down on the king. Robin Flint was ringed by Freys. Daggers rose and fell. Ser Wendel Manderly rose holding his leg of lamb. He got shot in the neck. Ser Wendel crashed forward. He knocked the table off its trestles. Cups and other items fell."_


The first paragraph is better in terms of vocabulary, but more importantly it actually carries more pace and immediacy. Certainly I don't think it 'moves in slow motion'. Now your broader point that action scenes should be terser than, say, sex scenes and echo the immediacy of what is going on is correct, but I want to bring this back to the story in question if I may. *The sentence length is not the problem.* There are no sentences in Anita's story that are longer than those in the George R.R Martin example I just posted - at least I did not notice them. There are plenty of very short ones, too. In my opinion the relative lack of power in Anita's story is more an issue of her pacing and that the action part hits without much buildup - when the horse 'explodes' from the gate. We needed the tenseness of those final moments to be explored a little more richly. 

Last but not least I want to address your obsession (I don't mean that unkindly, but I am basing this on multiple posts as mentioned) with criticizing work on the basis of the narrative voice not being 'in the story'. In the attached link is Hemingway's "A Very Short Story". I am using this as an example partly because it's short enough for anybody to read and partly because, for me, it is a great example of a strong 'external' voice. There is also a ton of what you would probably call superfluous information in there. It is rife with 'tell'.

My point in this regard is not to belittle or dismiss the spirit of what you are saying but only to show that the distancing of voice and the choice of 'showing or telling' is entirely dependent on the kind of story it is and the audience it is being written for. 

https://archive.org/stream/AdvRAVer...Very+Short+Story+by+Ernest+Hemingway_djvu.txt

Hope that helps.


----------



## Jack of all trades (Apr 1, 2018)

This was well done!!!


----------



## Jay Greenstein (Apr 1, 2018)

> In consideration of the author who posted this story and the board as a  whole I am going to ignore the rather condescending tone of some of your  comments


You didn't, and there is no place in a literary discussion for snarky comments about the writer. This is one of if not the best writing site because we stick to the issues. But having brought up the issue, what you see as a "condescending tone" is, in reality, knowledge. As someone who has been through the process more than once or twice, and who, as part of my critiquing service, has talked with the pros about writing issues, I am not giving personal opinopn. I provide what you would hear from agents, etc. or in a classroom.

That being said, let's stick to facts and literary matters, please.





> I respect your view on narrative voice, but you are simply wrong that the bulk of what you have said is applicable here.


Based on? Please cite your source(s), or, if that rather absolute pronouncement is simply personal opinion—and what you base it on. After all, if you expect your word to be taken without question, it's reasonable to want to know why you feel that the professors whose words I base my statements on are wrong. Otherwise one might think you are being condescending. And we woudn't want that. :calm:





> The opening, which you seem to dislike so much, is a fragment of speech  that provides several pieces of information about the character that  are indisputably important to understanding the scene.


Ahhh. In that case, please explain what "We all know what happened some months ago on his second ride!" means to the reader at the point it's read—a reader who doesn't know the year, the place, the age and situation of the rider, or anything else. And while you're at it, explain why knowing that he failed in a previous ride is necessary in order to understand this one.

In your critique of the piece you said, "It was okay, fine to read as a three minute distraction, but I will not remember it, or any part of it, tomorrow," which is a reader's reaction. What you missed was the why of it—the reason you found it boring. For example, After placing our protagonist on the horse, and into the chute, we abandon him while the author, as the author, gives a three page summation of the things leading up to this moment. But because it's informational rather than emotional, and an overview, it may be informative, but reports are not, as a rule, entertaining. And, a reader comes to fiction for one purpose, to be entertained. While the reader is digesting that history lesson not a blessed thing is happening in the story except that the poor protagonist is stuck in the chute, forced to be quiet so as to not interrupt the narrator. How can that seem real, or immediate to the reader. The answer is that it can't as your comment demonstrated.

It's not that our poster is doing something wrong, or a matter of talent, it's that like pretty much everyone who comes to writing, all we know are the nonfiction skills we learned in school and the storytelling skills we use every day. And we can't see that because for us, who can hear our own voice, filled with emotion as we tell the story, it works perfectly. For the writer, every line calls up images, background, and story that's within that writer's mind. But for the reader?  Every line calls up images, background, and story that's within _that writer's mind_. But that writer isn't there when it's read, to clarify. So...

In fact, In one of my early stories, I introduced my protagonist, who was standing in the wastelands of the American West, looking out over the vista before him. Then, without more than having him fix his gaze on the land, I left him standing there while I talked about the history of the land. I blathered away with beautiful and descriptive prose that had nothing to do with the protagonist, and did that for three pages, before allowing the poor bastard to move and begin the story. So our poster has _lots_ of company in doing it. But the result, in this case, was you saying the story is boring. The same happened to me at a critique session. I cried when I had to flush 1000 beautiful words, but I did it because they were what writers call their "darlings," prose beloved by the author for personal, not story reasons. And one of the few "rules" of writing fiction is, "Kill your darlings."

Our reader comes to us to be entertained, and they have little patience. They turn to page one and begin reading, trying to decide if they want to commit to reading the whole story. Lecture them for a single paragraph and they bail. Confuse them for a line and they leave. Provide a history lesson and the audition is over. Publishers know this and will usually  make their own decision to either reject or request the manuscript in those first three pages, or less. In the book story, take more than three pages to make the reader lean back and say, "Hmm...tell me more," and they put you back and turn to whatever else is available. In this case, because our poster has enthusiasm, a work ethic, and everything but the specialized craft of the writer (which is why I suggested a trip to the library's fiction writing section) we interrupt the action and spend 783 words on backstory, placing the reader on manuscript page four before anything happens in the scene that opened and was abandoned.

You can, of course, write in any way you like, and hold any opinions you care to. And, you need follow no one's advice. But if you hope to have a publisher say yes to a submission, I would strongly suggest investigating the criteria they use in saying yes or no, because it's pretty much the same that the reader uses in choosing a book. And that applies to both the bookstore and self-released work.





> However, just to prove the point, in the style of Jay Greenstein I will  write the same scene below adopting the 'fewer words has more impact"  hypothesis but maintaining all the key information:


Unfortunately, all you did was demonstrate that removing necessary words converts entertaining prose to a report. You removed words that were necessary, from prose that had already been tightened by more than one or two editors and the author, converting the paragraph into a report, where fact follows fact, standing alone like soldiers on parade. I'm surprised you didn't see that.

At the moment you're presenting yourself as someone dedicated to correcting my personal shortcomings. But you're talking about me in a thread that's dedicated to someone else's story. I'm perfectly willing to discuss writing technique well into the night, but not by hijacking someone else's thread. So start one devoted to whatever aspect of writing you feel I'm getting wrong and we'll talk.  In fact, I'd suggest that our esteemed moderator remove the last few exchanges as unproductive, and unrelated to the story under discussion.


----------



## Blackstone (Apr 1, 2018)

Jay Greenstein said:


> You didn't, and there is no place in a literary discussion for snarky comments about the writer. This is one of if not the best writing site because we stick to the issues. But having brought up the issue, what you see as a "condescending tone" is, in reality, knowledge. As someone who has been through the process more than once or twice, and who, as part of my critiquing service, has talked with the pros about writing issues, I am not giving personal opinopn. I provide what you would hear from agents, etc. or in a classroom.
> 
> At the moment you're presenting yourself as someone dedicated to correcting my personal shortcomings. But you're talking about me in a thread that's dedicated to someone else's story. I'm perfectly willing to discuss writing technique well into the night, but not by hijacking someone else's thread. So start one devoted to whatever aspect of writing you feel I'm getting wrong and we'll talk.  In fact, I'd suggest that our esteemed moderator remove the last few exchanges as unproductive, and unrelated to the story under discussion.



As I mentioned the first time I get no pleasure out of such debates however I am a big believer that flawed advice needs identified as such, lest it be assumed that it has the tacit endorsement of others. You are entitled to your view. You are not entitled to your view unchecked. I have tried to relate this back to the original story. It is yourself who seems intent on going off on tangents and bringing personal credibility into the equation. It's sad, really.

Nevertheless I agree that we are at the end of that discussion as it relates to critique. I would absolutely start a thread about issues raised but frankly lack the interest and I suspect we won't get very far. If you would like to start that thread and have anything additional to say besides rehash, I will take a look.



> e, write in any way you like, and hold any opinions you care to. And, you need follow no one's advice. But if you hope to have a publisher say yes to a submission, I would strongly suggest investigating the criteria they use in saying yes or no, because it's pretty much the same that the reader uses in choosing a book.




Just so you know, I have been published in this industry for several years now, to the point where it is the majority (not quite totally still, sadly) of my living.  No I don't need to prove that and no you don't need to believe it, either. I was open in my introduction that I do not want to share or promote my work or personal information on here. I am simply not here for that. And accordingly I understand it makes me unable to refer back to it as a basis for clout. The only reason I am going there now is because I need you to understand that when I talk about 'condescending tones' I am referring to the fact you are blatantly assuming that I (and, it seems, many others on here) have less knowledge about the industry than yourself because we happen to disagree. That because we do not have a website and promote our own myriad articles we know less. It is that kind of silly and presumptive statement that renders much of the good things you have to say (and you do have some, to be clear) less credible.

Consider this the final word, with apologies to anybody concerned for any potential derailment. I tried. 

Have a good day, Jay.


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 1, 2018)

Hello, Anita... I enjoyed your story, I come from a long line of Rodeo freaks ... I could ride a horse almost before I could walk, and I still have my Dad's spurs.... anyway, like I said, I enjoyed your story, and I loved your attention to detail. The faded blue jeans, wrapping the rope, the announcer... all combined to create a high energy atmosphere... As a poet, I love imagery...I get lost in it, carried completely away from my mundane existence, and that is why I read, to be removed from my world.

 I believe that everyone reads a story differently... I read leisurely... often going back and checking to make sure the facts stay in line... lol, but sometimes, something magical happens... the author will use imagery so effectively that a long lost memory is revived in 3D... and I am transported somewhere ELSE... it will have nothing to do with the story... but something personal to me...  and I lay the book aside, for awhile.... it is always a gift when that happens...

Telling a GOOD story is a wonderful skill.... telling a GREAT, unforgettable story is a gift, to your reader....thank you...


----------



## Jay Greenstein (Apr 1, 2018)

> Just so you know, I have been published in this industry for several  years now, to the point where it is the majority (not quite totally  still, sadly) of my living.


Golly-gee...How about a title or two, so we can see, and buy a copy of your writing, to see how it's done, and how to improve our own writing?


----------



## Blackstone (Apr 1, 2018)

...


----------



## H.Brown (Apr 2, 2018)

Right guys let's get this thread back on track, it is not a whose published what contest, but a critiquing thread for Anita's work. If you can not post a critique then do not post at all. If you can not keep it civil towards each other then again do not post.


----------



## Theglasshouse (Apr 5, 2018)

This could be a longer story if you would have wanted it to be. It's perfect for what it is. A story on rodeo events. I don't know what you like to read, because I realize had this be longer the genre would have changed. I think you made me feel I was there, and the ride lets say sounded like an authentic announcer. I do wonder if this could happen in real life. But I accept the story as being believable. I don't recall when reading it if it takes place in Texas. But sounds like an interesting setting for any story that is historical probably if one consulted history books. I know for instance there are rattlesnake fairs, which is a bit saddening but is interesting.


----------



## Sync (Apr 14, 2018)

I enjoyed the story, but thought those facts could have been used better if used actively for the story, rather than narrated by an announcer. The same would be said about how he never listens to advice - show me that when he is actively doing so, let me see the man he is, rather than being told. Like in the shoot, why not have his father there giving him advice on how to tighten his grip, or one of those guys in the chute. I didn't like the negative remark by that guy in the chute, it felt out of place, like he was a nemesis, had a gripe. 

So the story is here, but I believe it can be refined if you wish to publish. I like the data, but not the way it was presented.

Thank you for the read

Sync


----------



## Anita M Shaw (Apr 28, 2018)

Thank you all for your feedback! I respect everyone’s right to his/her opinion. No one is going to like every story s/he reads. Always a flaw somewhere in any story.  

First off, this story was originally written for a short short fiction lesson of up to 950 words [which I scored 100%]. I had to pick a picture from a selection sent to me and write a little tale. I picked the picture of the saddle bronc rider on a buckskin. [Buckskin is a color. I used to own one.] With just a few words to do it in, I started with Eli being announced as next contestant. Didn't have to be written for any particular audience, so I didn't aim toward any except horse and/or rodeo people of any age.

I took the story with me a few years later to a writers' workshop, and there under the guidance of my appointed author mentor, expanded it a bit. I read it in front of everyone later that day after many others had read theirs first. I was nervous of reading it to about 150 people including young writers 8 and up, but my 10 year old son shoved me out of my seat, and so I went up. After I read it, the MC surprised me with the compliment, "Well, now we see how a real writer writes!" I had people coming up to me later to express their appreciation for my humble little story. In my opinion, we were _all_ real writers. Those kids were amazing, and so I told them. I hope they're still at it.

I had no intention of ever touching this story again. Ever. Was done for the fiction lesson and nothing more. Then, one day, I remembered it, revised it a little, and posted it to my website. Then, I did another rewrite and put it up on other sites where it's the second most downloaded story I have out there. 

After reading through the feedback here, I've done another revision. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with letting the announcer tell us what's going on. In reviewing a bunch of saddle bronc videos, it's what they do. They say a lot more than what I had this guy say. However, at the time, I was keeping to a word count.

Anyway, since I've finished the final draft of my YA novel, and need to rest from it, I put my romance novel on hold to rewrite this story. Did a lot of research to supplement my meager knowledge. There are three types of bronc riding. The third I'd never heard of before, ranch broncs. Ride with a regular saddle and you can hang on to the horn. You get extra points if you ride one handed, and your hat in your free hand. 

Noticed the riders wore chaps, so no mention of faded jeans. They must wear cowboy clothes or get fined, possibly/probably disqualified from some of the events.

The size of the horse matters [to me] because the smaller the horse, the harder it is to stay on. I know that from experience, actually, in training horses and ponies. And I saw that most riders who'd drawn a smaller mount didn't last the ride. Most of the broncs are big animals, though. Changed Crazy from a gelding to a stallion as I noticed only mares and stallions were used in the rodeos whose videos I viewed. 

The horse is ridden with a halter and a special rein that's mostly rope. The thin end might be leather, but the part the rider holds onto is rope which is frayed at the end. It's not wrapped around the hand as they do in bull riding. So, I fixed that error.

Old timey dialog is how many people south and west of us talk. Just trying to sound authentic. And those cowpokes I listened to talk on the videos sound like that. But--I changed some of it for ya. The "No memory had he of the accident" thing, is done on purpose. Changing things up. Changed that for ya too, but ain't changing it for every instance in every story I write. 

Okay, enough of all that. There's more, but you're probably yawning already or asleep. Or just don't give two handfuls of cow flop.

Whatever was said, and however I felt about it, you made me push harder when I didn't want to - right now, anyway because of my other projects. I know it could be a longer piece, but again, that will just have to wait until I'm done with the third romance of my series - which actually will have at least two if not three more novels in it and my YA series. 

Okay: Here goes . . .


----------



## Anita M Shaw (Apr 28, 2018)

*RIDE ‘EM TOUGH - REVISED*​ 
  “Eli! Eli! It’s almost time for your ride! I heard ‘em call your name! And you better listen to Daddy this time! I want y’ t’ win and not get hurt again!” Six-year-old Jaedyn Hale bounced around her older brother in her excitement for his event.

  “Jaedyn, quit harpin’ at me now! I know how to ride!”

She set her hands on her hips and challenged him. “How come you keep gettin’ bucked off then! How come you can’t stay on like Daddy does? How come you keep getting hurt?”

  At nineteen, Eli wasn’t about to take such talk from a little squirt. “Look, you! Dad’s gotten hurt a few times too! It’s all part of it! I know what I’m doing!”

“You don’t! Not like Daddy!”

  Eli poised to argue back, but his father interrupted, gripping his shoulder. “Don’t give her any more fuel, Eli. All right, sure, I’ve been hurt. A time or two, worse than you. But I’ve gotten where I am now by cramming those memories way back in my mind. You’re still dwellin’ on ‘em. I don’t think your heart’s in it like it was.”

“Well, yeah, it is! I been practicin’ every day for the past two months! You’ve seen me!”

“Yeah, I have. Seen you grab for the riggin’ more times than not! Stop dropping your rein hand. Keep the palm up! For this horse you gotta lift your hand two fists above that saddle and _lean back_. You sit too far forward! Believe you're the burr in Jaedyn's pony tails and drive them hips down in the saddle! And don’t forget to mark his shoulders right out of the gate! _No_ mark, _no_ score.”

Yes, yes, he knew he’d be disqualified if he didn’t have his feet high up on the horse’s shoulders out of the gate. Knew he should strive to hold his rein hand high enough to keep his seat. Just seemed like his brain went blank soon’s the gate opened. Sometimes, his legs just didn’t move as quick as the horse did.

  This would be his first time back since his last accident. His world went black that day right out of the gate. Crazy Eight had lost no time pitching him headfirst into the rails of the arena two seconds into his ride. The resulting concussion and broken bones had made for a slow recovery. Even now, he experienced some pain in his left leg.

  Nevertheless, he was no quitter. No, sir! He’d ride that buckskin stud or die trying! And, so he vowed as he strode off to chute #9.

Jaedyn stomped her foot and hollered after him, “You better _not_ die, Eli Jorden Hale! I’ll whup your butt!”
  She sounded so much like their mother, he laughed, which lightened his mood some. Truth be told, he was scared. Anything could happen.

  Reaching Crazy Eight’s pen just as the last rider’s score was being tallied, he took a moment to tighten his chap straps, tried to shove his fear of another serious accident in some remote corner of his mind. Muster the will to get his head and his heart back into it.

Today, he needed to show the rodeo world, and his family, that he had the same grit and talent his father had.

  “86! Nice ride, Todd! Nice ride! Next up, folks, is Levi Hale’s boy, Eli, who's drawn Crazy Eight for the third time in his short career. Crazy’s been voted most unpredictable bronc a rider can draw. I’ve heard many a cowboy cursin’ him! You just don’t know what he’s gonna do! Levi’s had some qualifying rides on this animal, but there’s few—well, there’s almost no one betting that the son will out ride the father today! Levi scored a 92 on Hurricane Hattie earlier. Another tough bronc! On deck is Tad Morris from Houston, Texas. Tad'll be riding that ornery palomino, Sunfisher.” 

Climbing up and over the rails of the chute, Eli picked up the rope rein and eased into the saddle, shoved his boots deep into the stirrups, toes turned out. With a squeal and a snort, Crazy Eight half reared, came down, then reared up his full length, his hooves striking the rails of the pen. Eli grabbed the rigging to keep his seat as the chute men struggled to get the buckskin stallion under control.

  Ike, one of the chute crew, called out, “Crazy’s in a mood today, Eli! I got fifty bucks sayin’ he dumps you quicker than last time! Pray he stays away from the rails!”

  “We’ll send some daisies to y’ Eli, if he don't! See y’ next year if you got the guts to try again!” A second man tossed at him. “Your daddy’s gonna win this event again, boy! You’re just sittin’ in the shade of his branches!”

The taunts served to chase away those fears of ending up in the hospital again. He passed the frayed end of the rein rope between his pinky and ring fingers and across his palm, his determination burning hotter than ever.

_We’ll see about that_! _I’ll show ‘em what_!

  About then, Crazy Eight determined to show _him_ what with a high kick that sent some of the crew scrambling away from the chute. Soon as his hooves touched ground, he reared up. This was one bronc who didn’t care a handful of horse hockey about waiting for the spaciousness of the arena to dump his rider. Dump him and dump him quick was his motto! 

Yes, when it came to Crazy Eight, most bets were on the horse no matter who the rider was. Even the famous Levi Hale.

Finally, though, the stallion was brought under some control.

  Eli grit his teeth. Maybe he would break something today. But with any luck, maybe he would stick to this animal like those dang burrs stuck in little Jaedyn's hair! Adjusting his grip on the rope in his left hand one more time, he drew a deep breath. He was as ready as he was ever gonna be.

  At his nod, the big gate swung open.

The buckskin exploded out into the arena. Kicking up clouds of choking dust, he unleashed his energy in a furious attempt to dump his rider. He ducked his head, kicking high, twisting his hind quarters left. With the next buck, he twisted right. Eli’s head snapped one way then the other, his bones feeling every jar, his teeth-rattling in his head. 

_Should’ve remembered the mouth guard, darn it!
_
  Too late now.

Still, from the start, it was evident that this outcome could be different. For one thing, no veil of blackness overtook his brain this time. Right out of the gate, Eli nailed Crazy’s shoulders just as his front hooves hit the ground. Leaning further back than he’d had in his previous rides, he settled into the rhythm of kick shoulders, drag back, kick flank. 

“Will y’ look at that boy ride! He’s kick for jump like I’ve never seen him do before on any bronc!” crackled over the PA system. "Danged if he ain’t the stamp and that bronc’s a love letter!”

Or that burr tangled snugly into the long strawberry blond pony tails of a little six-year-old girl.

  Suddenly, Crazy thrust his roman nose between his forelegs and stretched his back hooves for the wide blue sky, turning his belly full up to the sun. In fact, so high was his back end and so tucked the front, that the stallion executed a terrifying somersault. The crowd, as one, rose from their seats, gasping in horror, certain they’d be witnessing another serious tragedy. A fear the announcer voiced for them all over the PA.

Eli heard none of it. The ground rushed up at him in a surreal blur in one instant, and in the next, he was right side up, unhurt and still hanging on by the grip of his knees only.

With no loss of momentum, Crazy Eight kept up his fight to unseat this annoyance on his back.

  Stunned at his luck, Eli lost focus for a second, dropping his rope hand.

  Crazy pitched into a series of mad spins, circling right. He swapped ends and did it all over again. Thrown into the spin, Eli lost his hat and his balance.

  Immediately, he lifted his rope hand and shoved more weight into the off stirrup. Drove his hips deep into the saddle again.

  With his right arm out behind him, way clear of the rigging, Eli demonstrated that, for this moment anyway, he was in command. A ripple of suspenseful wonder stirred through the grandstand. This time he was riding tough in his best effort to win the judges cherished points, the chance at the big money.

  Yet more importantly—

“Folks, can you believe this? I’m still shocked and amazed both horse and rider are upright and unhurt! This lad could prove to be his father’s son yet!”

There it was. His biggest reason to stay with this animal at any cost . . .

_Stay focused_! 

  “Three seconds, folks! If he gets thrown now, he’s still stayed on longer than anybody else, except his dad!”

_Concentrate! Don't let this fool nag surprise you again! 
_
As if knowing his time was running out, Crazy Eight pitched a high dive, all four hooves leaving the ground. Holding his position with his knees and rein hand, Eli didn’t let up drumming the stallion’s sides, chaps and straps flapping like flags in the wind. Hitting the ground, Crazy kicked out for all he was worth, spun around and dove high again.

  “Dang!” cried the announcer, “I think that crazy buckskin’s lookin’ to fly!”

In the grandstands, tense as a wound spring, the crowd once again held its collective breath.

_BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTT_!!!!

  The buzzer, sounding like a million angry bees, penetrated his numbed brain as Crazy Eight touched ground. Eli clung to his seat, reluctant to bail.

A horseman cantered up beside the still raging bronc and grasped the rope. "Eli! Let go now! You did it, Eli! Bail off!"

_Let go? Bail off? How does a burr let go of a pony tail_?

  The announcer chuckled at Eli’s predicament. “Now he’s got the hang of it, he don’t wanna get off! Brilliant ride, Eli! What a show! You’ll follow in your daddy’s boots, after all!”

With some more encouragement from the outriders, Eli kicked free of the stirrups and vaulted off, landing on his feet, dazed but elated. Crazy Eight kept right on bucking and kicking even after the outriders led him out.

  The PA went silent several suspenseful moments. Then the microphone boomed with the announcer’s thrilling bulletin. “He’s done it, folks! Eli’s bested his daddy, Levi, by a point and a half! A true branch of a strong tree!” Then, with a smug chuckle, he called out to the crew of chute nine. “Hey Ike! That fifty bucks you and the boys each laid down—ha, ha! See me later!”

Eli picked up his hat, dusted it off against his leg, and waved it at the cheering crowd. Up in the stands his mom and Jaedyn applauded with joyous excitement. Levi, beaming with pride, shot him two thumbs up before hopping the rail to come meet him in the arena, clapping his shoulder and then grabbing him in a bear hug.

Ike hollered to him. “Eli! Mighty fine ride! Mighty fine! I owe you an apology!”

Climbing the rail together to join the rest of the family in the stands, Levi told him, “You did me proud today, Eli! See what you can do when you listen to them that know best? Respect! How’s it feel?”

  “Mighty fine, Dad! Mighty fine!”

  Little Jaedyn deserted her mother’s side to rush down the steps and throw herself into her brother’s unprepared arms, rewarding him with an ardent embrace and a happy grin.

“Hey, Pipsqueak, you’re gonna send me back over the rails!” He hugged her back.

“I thought you was gonna be dead when Crazy took you over like that, Eli! Was you scared?”

“I didn’t have time to be scared, Jae,” he said pulling her hat low over her eyes.

She pushed it back up, gave him up a look. “_I_ was scared! I was scared I was gonna have t’ _whup_ your butt! You better ride like that all the time now, or I _will_!”

  “You’re gonna keep harpin’ at me no matter what, aren’t y’?”

  Jaedyn nodded her head solemnly. “Yup, I am!”

He tugged one of her thick pony tails, smiling at her. “Guess I can live with that! Let’s get us some food, grab my gear, and hit the road for the next one tomorrow! Utah, here we come! I’m feeling pretty lucky right now!”

  Off in the distance, Crazy Eight’s high-pitched neigh taunted him. 

_You won today, cowboy.
_
_Tomorrow . . .? _


----------



## Jack of all trades (Aug 7, 2018)

I didn't read the rewrite before, but I like it!


----------



## Anita M Shaw (Aug 8, 2018)

Thank you so much Jack for taking the time to read it!! Much appreciated!


----------

