# the continuance of the novelette



## w.riter (May 21, 2017)

Continues; your critiques & comments will be much appreciated...

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Neil and Alice heard some distant voices. At first, to them they sounded like a whisper; the clumsy wind that began to blow in their direction managed to carry Jones' and Jerry's voices. 

The more Neil and Alice listened, the more they were aware of other presence in their vicinity.

''We shouldn't have come here,'' Neil said as the couple began to put their clothes back on. ''I've heard some nasty things about this place, but haven't really given it much thought. They say that gun smugglers use this tranquil paradise to exchange guns and money.''

''It is not your fault. I too wanted to come here, remember?'' Alice said adding to Neil's fright. ''They'll let us go. We are just in love, we don't have anything to do with their crimes.'' 

They now stood fully dressed, and Alice was in Neil's in his arms, wondering about her logic; she knew that human instincts are such that one either fights or runs away. She could undertand Neil. He was a police officer.

''I know what you're thinking,'' said Neil. ''They are a ghastly bunch. We'd better pack our things and leave this place as soon as possible.''

The wind started to blow more intensly, as if it wanted to speed them up. The sky welcomed the clouds and was sending them to the Big Mouths peak.

''It might start to rain as well,'' said Neil. Despite the precarious moments right here and right now in their lives, he didn't lose his notorious sense of humor; he took Alice by her waist, lifted her in a half horizontal position, and began to carry her to the car parked some ten yards away. Alice giggled, as she was gotten used to such, let's call them -- pranks Neil would pull.

''Look...! Look...!'' giddy Alice enjoyed it. ''I'm flying.''

''You bet your voluptuous boobies you are...!'' Neil said with a smile on his face and anguish in his heart. They both had to leave this paradise, this very anguishable point of time. 

He took the flying beauty to the prosaic car of his by carrying her under his left muscular arm. With his even stronger right hand he opened the doors of the car and placed her at the back seat.

''Here you are safe.'' he smiled at her attempts to put on her bra, but nonetheless he enjoyed the sight. ''Listen,'' he said, ''You know that it is my duty to call my police buddies whenever and wherever. I reckon they will be more than interested in our experience.''

He lifted his view only to discover that two men were approaching them by hiding behind the trees of the woods around the picturesque pond. The clouds were gone now and the sun revealed the intrusive glory of the brightness of the two men's firearms. 

''Hey, you!'' Jones hissed loudly. ''What are you doing here?''

Neil considered this a rhetorical question, a question the aim of which was to buy time. And time flew. Neil and Alice did not have time for this. He gave her a reassuring look, and sat in the car. 

As he began to speed up, Alice and Neil heard shots. According to Neil, who was now driving beyond the look of the criminals, and down a winding road, the worst was literally behind them. Yet, in his mind, winding images resembling the windiness of the road began to slide, and he could almost hear his police buddies talking about the shots of destiny. Was this to follow him and her for the rest of the year?; The police was planning a large scale operation against the gun smugglers, and Neil would bet his police guts that those left behing were indeed gun smugglers.


''Alice, are you sleeping?'' asked he gently not wanting to wake her up from her sleep. 

''Hm...?'' asked his best girlfriend thusfar. ''Did we manage to escape?'' she purred while trying to get herself rid of the last remnants of her dreams. In front of her there was the real deal.

''I fell asleep and dreamt about you catching these criminals...!'' purred she some more. ''What is your next step?''

''Look, as I've already said, I'll alarm my buddies.'' She could feel uncertainty in his attitude.

''Don't worry, dear,'' Alice said while touching him lovingly from behind the driver's seat. ''W'ell stick together; I'm planning on giving you a present all through this evening and all through this night.'' She stressed the word _giving.

__''Look,'' he started again, immitating his insecure tone which he uttered moments before. ''I know what kind of a woman you are. You are impatient. So let us stop this car, forget about the criminal guys we think we've seen, and indulge ourselves with some sweet lovin'?''

This was all that Alice needed to hear. She left the back seat. She sat on the co-driver seat. She lowered her her heart and her mind toward Neil's groins. 

'' 'Nothing I could say or do to make you displeased.'' was Neil's reaction to what was going on right now, to that very pleasurable moment._


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## w.riter (May 21, 2017)

Would anyone please give me a critique regarding this piece?


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## Darkkin (May 21, 2017)

w.riter said:


> Would anyone please give me a critique regarding this piece?



Avoid openly asking for critique within creative threads.  (You posted for critique, so a need for feedback is implied.)  Basic netiquette.  If a writer is interested they will respond...And also, if you want thorough and consistent critique, pay it forward and offer something to other pieces on the boards.  Keep the scales of give and take even.  A good rule of thumb:  Offer feedback on a minimum of two pieces per one piece you post for feedback.

Some helpful whethertos and whyfores can be found here.

- D. the T.


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## H.Brown (May 21, 2017)

Hey w.riter if you critique other member's work they are much more likely to return the favour. For example when I first joined WF I spent the first couple of months getting to know the forums, joining groups I liked, critiquing others work, entering the competitions before I posted my own work. This meant that members saw me as an active member who did not mind offering before recieving.

Everyone is different however if you expect too much too soon you will be dissapointed. I agree with Darkkin do not openly ask for critiques let people want to critique your work you will get better critiques and you won't annouy the mods by bumping your own thread. (This is frowned upon a lot.)

My last piece of advice give people time to respond I waited about a week for my first critique after I posted it I think.


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## bdcharles (May 21, 2017)

Hi w I will have a look at your work asap - probably tomorrow. Apologies for lateness, just been working silly hours but it's definitely high on my to do list


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## Jay Greenstein (May 21, 2017)

You posted it today. If the writing moves people to respond it does, it does—which may take a day or so. But if no one does, that, too, matters because no response, in and of itself, it is a critique.


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## w.riter (May 22, 2017)

Darkkin said:


> Avoid openly asking for critique within creative threads.  (You posted for critique, so a need for feedback is implied.)  Basic netiquette.  If a writer is interested they will respond...And also, if you want thorough and consistent critique, pay it forward and offer something to other pieces on the boards.  Keep the scales of give and take even.  A good rule of thumb:  Offer feedback on a minimum of two pieces per one piece you post for feedback.
> 
> Some helpful whethertos and whyfores can be found here.
> 
> - D. the T.



Thank you, darkkin.

W.


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## w.riter (May 22, 2017)

bdcharles said:


> Hi w I will have a look at your work asap - probably tomorrow. Apologies for lateness, just been working silly hours but it's definitely high on my to do list



Thanks, bdcharles


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## w.riter (May 22, 2017)

H.Brown said:


> Hey w.riter if you critique other member's work they are much more likely to return the favour. For example when I first joined WF I spent the first couple of months getting to know the forums, joining groups I liked, critiquing others work, entering the competitions before I posted my own work. This meant that members saw me as an active member who did not mind offering before recieving.
> 
> Everyone is different however if you expect too much too soon you will be dissapointed. I agree with Darkkin do not openly ask for critiques let people want to critique your work you will get better critiques and you won't annouy the mods by bumping your own thread. (This is frowned upon a lot.)
> 
> My last piece of advice give people time to respond I waited about a week for my first critique after I posted it I think.



Thanks


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## bdcharles (May 22, 2017)

Jay Greenstein said:


> You posted it today. If the writing moves people to respond it does, it does—which may take a day or so. But if no one does, that, too, matters because no response, in and of itself, it is a critique.



But what does it mean? That people aren't interested or that they're dazzled into silence?


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## bdcharles (May 22, 2017)

w.riter said:


> Here and there is left to a reader's immagination, it migth be places of the body, and it might be the country they are roaming.



Hi W

I understand about leaving things to the reader's imagination, but the flaw with that is apparent when taken to its logical - if slightly absurd - conclusion of, for example, something like writing a blank page. The entire story then could be left to the reader's imagination but it would be their story, little more than a notepad. Leave a little up to the reader but also remember that your job is to take readers on _your _journey. You have had the ideas - now make them real, make them come alive using your words. And don't hold back on your writing. If something outside your comfort zone happens then transfer that discomfort to your characters. This makes the characters more realistic and sensitively-portrayed as well as absolving you of your own discomfort. Win-win. In this way, writing is cathartic and therapeutic (or something)

You do have some nice phrasings in there - "eyes were watching their dance of the amorous" really stood out for me; nice work on that 

To add to the feedback you already have, one thing you might want to consider is letting readers settle with one character before switching to the next. Take a look at "point of view" in fiction as this is how you make the reader care about your character, and therefore sympathise with their situations (your story). Switching too soon can minimise how close readers feel to your events. You jump between Alice/Neil, Jones/Whatshisface, and someother person pretty rapidly here. Give us more time with each!

Also think about showing versus telling. Telling is informing, or summarising for readers what happens; showing is, for want of a better expression, _making _it happen. Here's a quick and simple example:

Tell:



> Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
> After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
> They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.



Show:



> Neil and Alice made their way up the loose scree of Big Mouth mountain. As they went, Neil would place a tender kiss on Alice's shoulders or neck, whereupon she would giggle and return the affection to his tanned hands, and when presently they spotted a shiny pond a few hundred yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and sped up their steps. Neil shivered; he could almost feel the cool water invigorating his skin.
> 
> At length they parted a pair of shrubs and arrived on the edge of crystal waters fed by a small waterfall. It felt like magic.



Sometimes showing feels like expanding on things. Eg: you have "the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.". Make this a real thing. Have Neil say: "See, I told you it would be bere" or something. Yes, it's more words, but they should hopefully make the prose more genuine and believable, as if these things actually happened.



Repetition and overuse

Watch that you don't *repeat *or _overuse _phrases, words, images - anything that could be construed as all-filler-no-killer. Eg:


Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were *making their way* up the Big Mouth mountain. _Nothing could stop them_.
After spotting a shiny *pond *a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and *made their way* to _the goal which was_ the *pond *Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
They reached the crystal water *pond*, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.



Hope this helps.


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## w.riter (May 22, 2017)

bdcharles said:


> Hi W
> 
> I understand about leaving things to the reader's imagination, but the flaw with that is apparent when taken to its logical - if slightly absurd - conclusion of, for example, something like writing a blank page. The entire story then could be left to the reader's imagination but it would be their story, little more than a notepad. Leave a little up to the reader but also remember that your job is to take readers on _your _journey. You have had the ideas - now make them real, make them come alive using your words. And don't hold back on your writing. If something outside your comfort zone happens then transfer that discomfort to your characters. This makes the characters more realistic and sensitively-portrayed as well as absolving you of your own discomfort. Win-win. In this way, writing is cathartic and therapeutic (or something)
> 
> ...



Hello bdcharles,

thank you for your fine critique !

I've learned much!

W.


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