# Silhouettes



## Nellie (Apr 26, 2017)

A snarling, vehement scream
wakens the walls of my room,
mistaken for a childhood dream
cast away in a secret tomb.

Silhouettes, like dancing dolls,
pranced carelessly every night
up and down the darkened halls,
merely shadows, seeking light.

If their light were to be found
there would be forthcoming sleep,
nothing's heard, not another sound
but sniffles as I fall to sleep.


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## sas (Apr 26, 2017)

Thumbs up. Love "shadows, seeking light", especially.


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## Nellie (Apr 27, 2017)

This poem was a re-write of one I'd written several years ago. That one was originally titled "Shadows". So after reading something on WF that include the same word, I decided to post this poem of mine and change the title. 
Thanks for reading and responding.


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## sas (Apr 27, 2017)

Nellie,  I enjoy your work and always make sure to read it. I had a trivial suggestion, but felt not worth mentioning, as few share my idiosyncrasies about poetry. I prefer metaphor over simile. I try to avoid "like", although sometimes I fail. For me, the stronger line would be:

Silhouettes[/FONT]—[FONT=&quot]dancing dolls,
[FONT=&quot]pranced carelessly every night

I used the em dash so as not to misdirect the reader into thinking they are two different things.
Just for your consideration. I always feel that "like" diminishes impact. Your thoughts?  sas[/FONT]


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## Nellie (Apr 27, 2017)

I treasure your input and this suggestion isn't trivial. So it is appreciated and I will try to not use the word "like" so much. It seems to be a bad habit of  mine that I need to work on overcoming.


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## Nellie (Apr 27, 2017)

I treasure your input and this suggestion isn't trivial. So it is appreciated and I will try to not use the word "like" so much. It seems to be a bad habit of  mine that I need to work on overcoming.


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## Bard_Daniel (Apr 27, 2017)

I liked this Nellie.  It had a crispness to it and the rhymes were superb. Thumbs up!


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## Nellie (Apr 27, 2017)

danielstj said:


> I liked this Nellie.  It had a crispness to it and the rhymes were superb. Thumbs up!



Thanks, Daniel!


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## Firemajic (Apr 28, 2017)

2nd Stanza is fabulous, and the imagery haunting... love this Nellie...


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## Nellie (Apr 28, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> 2nd Stanza is fabulous, and the imagery haunting... love this Nellie...



Thanks Firemajic. Glad you like the imagery.


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## loueleven (May 4, 2017)

I really enjoyed this poem. I agree that the metaphor with the em dash would perhaps be better. I'm going to take that into consideration with my own poems— thanks sas.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wizard27 (May 17, 2017)

It's good. 
Pethaps the final stanza could be reworked somehow. 'Nothing's heard, not another sound' is too easy, if you see what I mean- it's like you're desperate to make it rhyme at all costs. You are, obviously, but it could feel more natural.


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## w.riter (May 19, 2017)

Nellie said:


> A snarling, vehement scream
> wakens the walls of my room,
> mistaken for a childhood dream
> cast away in a secret tomb.
> ...


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## Nellie (May 19, 2017)

Wizard27 said:


> It's good.
> Pethaps the final stanza could be reworked somehow. 'Nothing's heard, not another sound' is too easy, if you see what I mean- it's like you're desperate to make it rhyme at all costs. You are, obviously, but it could feel more natural.



"Pethaps" the final stanza could be reworked, but I don't hear another word I would want to replace it with. Sorry you think it sounds "desperate" at all costs to rhyme. There are plenty of other options. It is a natural for me. 
Thanks for reading and responding!


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