# Johnny Jackson (Language, crudness and severe stupidity throughout)



## Apple Ice (Aug 1, 2013)

*I have no idea what possessed me to write this. Hope someone enjoys it*



Johnny Jackson swaggers in to the musty the bar with a hot piece of ass by his side. 

‘NO DONKEYS ALLOWED!!!!!!!!!!’ screeches the olive skinned barman with the silly moustache.

‘Whoa’ says Johnny, taking off his expensive shades, ‘that’s a lot of exclamation marks for one man.’

The whole bar laugh in approval of the great joke and barman literally dies of embarrassment. Johnny ties his donkey to the bar and continues to a table at the back of the room. People admire his physique, often mistaking his shoulders for soldiers. 

Men want to be him, girls want to be banged by him, dogs want to be owned by him, and bad-guys want to be killed by him. He is in five words, sexy and absolutely fucking awesome.

He sits down at the table, the old booth seat moaning with delight as his buttocks honour it. The 
really hot babe sitting opposite wearing the red dress and smoking a Cuban cigar looks at him intently. 

‘You’re hot.’ states the hot babe.

‘Tell me something I don’t know.’ quips Johnny Jackson.

‘Like what?’

‘Like where the hell is Vladimir Moscov.’

Vladimir is really evil and really Russian, something Johnny isn’t too happy about.

‘Oh, I thought you would be more interested in Richard Limescale.’

Limescale is eviler and barbarically British. 

‘Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a while,’ states Johnny whilst staring at the hot babe’s tits. He has no time for prudishness. 

‘If you find one you will find the other.’ replies the frowning hot babe

‘They’ve teamed up, I see. Well if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s killing evil Russian and British people who have no particular reason for being evil.’

This is true; he has killed approximately six million bad guys. 

‘They have lots of henchmen,’ warns the hot babe.

Johnny lets out a big laugh worthy of a king.

‘You don’t want to know how many henchmen have died from these mittens.’ He raises his hands and tilts his head for emphasise and clarification.

Getting up, Johnny flips a million dollar coin at the hot babe and says "Thanks, but no thanks." He exists, leaving on lookers stunned. Once he gets outside Johnny realises he hasn’t even asked her their whereabouts or collected his donkey and feels silly. But hey, no one’s perfect, not even Johnny Jackson. He decides to wait outside until she leaves to ask her. 

The time to save the world (but mainly America) had come and Johnny Jackson knew it.


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## Charlaux (Aug 1, 2013)

I think there's potential for a better moustache description. 

Needs some capitals removing, and commas including to format the speech, e.g. _"Tell me something I don’t know," quipped Johnny Jackson._

Made me laugh a few times, some great lines and style. 
I'd read the novel.


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## rockoo315 (Aug 1, 2013)

I like the overall vibe of the excerpt.  The first few lines let me know that the story is going to be over the top and outlandish.  There were a few spelling errors like "He exists, leaving people stunned."  Is it supposed to be "Exits"?


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## Kevin (Aug 2, 2013)

Pair of tits; pair of bad guys...well done.

'roughly over..' don't go together.  minor punctuation, tense, capitols...  It is funny!


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## Apple Ice (Aug 5, 2013)

Thank you all for your feedback. I have gone through and edited the grammar and spelling to the best of my abilities so I hope it reads better now.

I'm relieved you find it funny. Thank you again


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## Roobearrr (Feb 13, 2014)

I can't believe it took me ages to understand the 'hot piece of ass - donkey' joke! But oh my gosh, I loved it! Who cares if it's cheesey and cliche at points? Isn't that the point of it? 
Obviously there were a few punctuation and tense issues but I freaking loved the piece!!


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## Apple Ice (Feb 13, 2014)

Haha, thank you Roobearrr for the very lovely comments. Yes it is supposed to be a bit stupid and cliche, I was going for a parody of the all American Hollywood action hero. I'm very glad you enjoyed it. I've written the second chapter fairly recently and was toying with the idea of uploading it on here. Think I might now with the good response this has received.


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## ris (Mar 6, 2014)

The punctuation at some points is distracting, like whenever it's missed at the end of a quote:



> "They have lots of henchmen" warns the hot babe.



The prudishness line was perfect

Otherwise stretch it out to a hundred pages and you have Tom Cruise's next blockbuster


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## Apple Ice (Mar 9, 2014)

Yeah I'm thinking I might just change the dialogue to italics. Ha, thanks for the comments Ris.


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## erinranning (Mar 10, 2014)

This is a really funny and refreshing piece of writing!



ps. I'm English and I know Richard Limescale. He's an asshole.


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## Apple Ice (Mar 10, 2014)

Thank you Erin. I'm English too and can confirm this.


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## Schrody (May 21, 2014)

Funny, but too short


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## Apple Ice (May 21, 2014)

Sorry for the shortness, Schrody. I'm glad you liked it. I have written more to this story although the second chapter is something I'm a bit iffy with. I have some good ideas for this story and want to see it out. So after I've grappled with it some more I will post it up


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## qwertyman (May 22, 2014)

Refreshingly idiotic. I'd read more.



I hate to see a gag overlooked.



> ‘Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a while,’ states Johnny whilst staring at the hot babe’s tits. He has no time for prudishness.
> 
> ‘If you find one you will find the other.’ replies the frowning hot babe



See what you nearly did there?


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## Apple Ice (May 22, 2014)

Thanks, qwertman. I'm glad you liked it.

Haha, I have no idea how I missed that, very perceptive of you. I will be sure to add it in. Thanks for the spot


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## apple (May 22, 2014)

I had a great time reading this Apple Ice.  I love a little raunchiness.  It was over- the- top fun.  A perfect little piece of short fiction..  Well done.

P.S  I don't know why but, "Johnny lets out a big laugh worthy of a king." was an unexpected slant on the glory of Johnny.  I laughed out loud.


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## Apple Ice (May 22, 2014)

Thank you apple, you have the second coolest name on this forum. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I don't really understand your last comment, I'm afraid. I assume it was a good thing? Thanks again, apple


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## apple (May 22, 2014)

What I meant was that it was just a funny idea.  the laugh of a king.  Bigger, better, more robust.  I don't know, it just struck me as so funny.


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## Apple Ice (May 23, 2014)

Oh I see what you mean now. Haha, I'm glad you laughed, I'm surprised it was that part which made you laugh out loud,though. It's odd how different things tickle different people like that. Thanks apple


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## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 15, 2014)

Johnny Exists or exits? "literally dies of embarrassment" is a complete boondoggle and must be fixed.

"tilts his head for emphasise and clarification ". Weak, plus spelling error . You have potential but again who am i?


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## Apple Ice (Jun 16, 2014)

Hello, Mudgeon. Thanks for commenting. I fixed all the typos in the original piece but haven't updated this version. So I am aware of them, thank you. 

As for the other suggestions, nah, I think I will keep them, thanks.


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## boxofbizarro (Jun 22, 2014)

I really, really like it. My type of writing.


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## Apple Ice (Jun 22, 2014)

Thanks boxofbizzaro, I'm glad you enjoyed it


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## Purple Inukshuk (Jun 22, 2014)

I don't know why, but the 'he was really Russian' part made me nearly choke on my drink in laughter, this is absolutely a hilarious way of parodying (is that the therm for it?) Hollywood. Good job, I hope to see more and I all I can suggest has already been said, heheh.


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## Bolus_of_Doom (Jun 23, 2014)

You hit the high points of awful American action films pretty well, though guns were strangely missing.



> He exists, leaving on lookers stunned.



Please take this out. I insist you re-use it in a new piece about the adventures of Jehovah Jackson, mythological action hero.


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## MoonYu (Sep 13, 2014)

Clever. At first I was worried that you made Johnny too awesome. The ending is what pulls it together.


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