# putting myself out there



## DouglasMB (Apr 20, 2012)

I do not know what thread this should be in, I do not know what type of poem it is... I just wrote it, I am not sure about style or this or that. I am really nevouse about posting it because it seems a lot of you are truely hard core lol but you know I'll never know if it is any good unless i let people read it. so here goes nothing.

 The Star...

Moonlight surrounds me as I breathe in the stars this night
Evening dew settles on my skin as I am afraid to move
Droplets whispering to me telling me the secrets of heaven

I stand transfixed, drawn to a distant point, a place among the stars
I can not see it nor have I been there but my heart feels as if it knows the way
I stand spellbound in a dreamy state as I am afraid to close my eyes

Time passes and I have seen a million shooting stars
Each time gone before my mind can register their existence
Each time only leaving a ghostlike impression in my mind

But the one star I seek, though I can not see it, I know it is there 
I can feel it calling to me… pulling me
and I am scared to look away


Keeping my eyes fixated on the heavens I feel as if the cosmos is mine
I am the lion among the stars, the king of this jungle
A warrior in my own mind, and yet… I am scared to look away

Soft droplets of dew fall on me
Gently kissing my skin… 
 They are tears cried by stars long gone

as they land they turn to ice on my skin
a frost that covers my eternal soul
even with frosted eyes I never look away

Brilliant blinding light starting as a pin point growing as vast as an ocean
Bringing the fire of life as it heats my body untill the frost just melts away
Basking in its glory I stand as naked as my soul, without protection, only trust

The star has come full circle
Bringing life to a dark cold place 
A phoenix bursting forth in the night

to my knees I fall as I bask in the glory of the prize
A soul laid bare before its maker
Searching for answers and finding them

I am now home
I am now happy
I am finally free


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## CarsickPhil (Apr 21, 2012)

Dear Douglas
Greatly enjoyed reading your poem. I'm no expert on poems but I wonder if the poem needs a little trim. The two verses, "Soft droplets of dew fall on me..." and "as they land they turn to ice on my skin...", could be removed to bring tighter focus on the message of the poem; they seemed to pull me out of the poem. 
BTW I've just read the novel "Starmaker" by Olaf Stapledon, a 1930s Science Fiction masterpiece, in which a man gazing at the night sky is suddenly drawn into a journey through all the time and space of the cosmos; your poem carried this sense beautifully. 
All the best
Phil


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## DouglasMB (Apr 21, 2012)

I have never read that book i will have to check it out... I am looking for something new to read at the moment so the timing is good. 

 thank you for the reply and for reading this I am glad you enjoyed it.


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## Gumby (Apr 21, 2012)

Hi Douglas, I enjoyed this poem, the concept and the story.  I believe it would be a stronger poem if you went through it and cut out the extra and unnessessary words, as it is, it's a bit wordy. Just an example of what I mean, this:

Moonlight surrounds me as I breathe in the stars this night
Evening dew settles on my skin as I am afraid to move
Droplets whispering to me telling me the secrets of heaven

can condense down to this:


Moonlight surrounds me
I breathe the night stars
dew drops settle on my skin 
I am afraid to move—
 they whisper to me 
the secrets of heaven

this is only an example and I certainly don't mean to tell you how to edit your poem.


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## DouglasMB (Apr 23, 2012)

Gumby said:


> Hi Douglas, I enjoyed this poem, the concept and the story.  I believe it would be a stronger poem if you went through it and cut out the extra and unnessessary words, as it is, it's a bit wordy. Just an example of what I mean, this:
> 
> Moonlight surrounds me as I breathe in the stars this night
> Evening dew settles on my skin as I am afraid to move
> ...




  thank you... I like that too... I actually originally had it written in short verse with less words to trip over and in my head it read much to fast for the feeling I had in my head, so I added more and in my head head it seemed to slow it down a bit you almost have to read it slower because there is more.

  To bad other than adding audio files , we do not have a way to let people hear how we as writers hear what we write in our head.

  I do like it both ways though and you have a very good point. Thanks again.


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## Meego (May 5, 2012)

DouglasMB said:


> I actually originally had it written in short verse with less words to trip over and in my head it read much to fast for the feeling I had in my head,



If you can find a way to add punctuation, it might slow it down, even if it is shorter lines. You could even add that its meant to be read slower. I remember in a course I took, I was told that you are supposed to "pause" after every comma, end of line, etc. when you are reading a poem. Of course, I am sure not everyone does that but it's always something that has stuck with me. Just a suggestion if you were looking to slow it down more. Best of luck!


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