# Mirror (a very, very short snippet)



## Carlton (Nov 14, 2015)

*


Mirror*

Her head, in equal halves joined by mirrored opposites, told her manner. One of her eyes, the left one, scoped the room confidently while the socket holding the right one drooped ever so slight. A keen observer, a counselor of all sorts of cognition, would recognize the skewed parallels in her features- each nuance, each shifting of expression; the imbalance.

With pupils clouded by years of blindness, Orlando could, by miracle, capture such modes- the sounds of her shifting steps, the cycles of her breathing; how certain vowels were slurred. Because of these traces, Orlando knew that her outlet was the creative, a pianists, a writer of romantic poems, a dancer, and that her struggles were in her decisions. The same choices that had driven her life to that point.

(Orlando was, of course, aware that he, being of imperfect flesh, carried his own shades of betrayal.)

Foolish self-loathing never took root in his chest, it never had a chance to cast its shadow over the clarity of his world. In that period of his life, where the love of a woman was not yet felt, expressed or slaved over, his heart would cripple him like the disease that blinded his eyes. 

_

_Like? Understand it?_

It's just an segment (scene) for a potential short fiction piece I'm thinking of writing. 

-​


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 14, 2015)

Hi Carlton!

You definitely have a good style developing here. I would say, if you haven't already done so, think of writing that short fiction piece. I think you've demonstrated that you have enough skill to do so. :thumbl:

The second paragraph, by the way, was my favorite.


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## Carlton (Nov 14, 2015)

:tickled_pink:


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## GVictoria (Nov 20, 2015)

It's very descriptive, and a great piece. It also shows emotion from the character.


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## DedicatedPen (Nov 20, 2015)

This is a nice descriptive snippet. I wish to see more!


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## Nym P. Seudo (Nov 20, 2015)

You have an affection for commas. You may want to employ some em dashes for some of the harder mid-sentence stops you employ. 

Also, I think it's "had driven" as opposed to "had drove." I'm not certain, but you might want to double check.


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## Carlton (Nov 21, 2015)

k


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## ned (Nov 24, 2015)

good writing, which I enjoyed reading - walking a thin line with poetry at times

The same choices  that had drove her life 
 - The same choices  that drove her life 
or - The same choices  that had driven her life 

 A love so deep, it was to be, that it blinded  his heart more than it did his eyes.
he is blinded by a deep love, yet to be ?

thanks for sharing
Ned


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## Carlton (Nov 24, 2015)

ned said:


> good writing, which I enjoyed reading - walking a thin line with poetry at times
> 
> The same choices  that had drove her life
> - The same choices  that drove her life
> ...




Great input! Thanks a bunch!


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## Enaragon (Nov 24, 2015)

Interesting piece of work


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## ned (Nov 24, 2015)

duly noted - 
rest assured, I will not waste any more of my time and effort reviewing your work.


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## Carlton (Nov 28, 2015)

_not_?


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## Marcus Diaz (Nov 28, 2015)

Very clever and advanced literature, it got me very interested in the story.


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## Carlton (Feb 3, 2016)

I edited the final paragraph:

Foolish self-loathing never took root in his chest, it never had a  chance to cast its shadow over the clarity of his world. In that period  of his life, where the love of a woman was not yet felt, expressed or  slaved over, his heart would cripple him like the disease that  blinded his eyes.

Better?


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## Flint (Feb 3, 2016)

It's a very interesting snippet, IMO. I liked the style and choice of words. Also, it got me quite interested in Orlando and his abilities and his upcoming love affair. 

There are three suggestions below, which you may or may not find useful. 



Carlton said:


> *
> 
> Mirror*
> 
> ...


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## lvcabbie (Feb 5, 2016)

Enaragon said:


> Interesting piece of work


Agree. Not sure it's a genre I'd read more of though.


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## writingham89 (Feb 14, 2016)

This is good stuff! You've manage to cram a thousand descriptors into a scene and I didn't feel like it was too wordy. I really appreciated your attention to every little detail, while keeping it limited to the details that would be meaningful to your reader. Outstanding! In agreement with the above posts, you should definitive take the leap and start writing that short story. There are plenty of knowledgeable, helpful people here to help you on your way. Also, don't worry as I too have a less than fleeting romance with the comma; a re-read of "The Elements of Style" on occasion cures this easily enough though. 

Press on!

 "You fail only if you stop writing." - Ray Bradbury


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## Carlton (Feb 15, 2016)

writingham89 said:


> This is good stuff! You've manage to cram a thousand descriptors into a scene and I didn't feel like it was too wordy. I really appreciated your attention to every little detail, while keeping it limited to the details that would be meaningful to your reader. Outstanding! In agreement with the above posts, you should definitive take the leap and start writing that short story. There are plenty of knowledgeable, helpful people here to help you on your way. Also, don't worry as I too have a less than fleeting romance with the comma; a re-read of "The Elements of Style" on occasion cures this easily enough though.



My writing flow is at a stand still. When inspiration hits I will forge ahead and add words, hopefully, to this snippet. Fingers crossed. 

*Thank you* for all the input!

:afro:


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## loulou59loujodry (Mar 12, 2016)

I had a hard time following and staying focused when reading this piece.  I read it twice to give it a chance, but still had trouble getting into it.

Good luck, loulou59


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