# If you don't have a life jacket, don't rock the boat...



## Firemajic (Jan 5, 2020)

I sail a word sea between
my poetry's torn pages
navigate terrible secrets 
cover myself with obscure reflections
and restrain the beast within my pen
tap dancing around truth's razor edge
proves I am still sane
please don't sink my paper boat


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 5, 2020)

Punctuation would make it easier to read.

I sail a word sea between
my poetry's torn pages,
navigate terrible secrets, 
cover myself with obscure reflections,
and restrain the beast within my pen.
Tap dancing around truth's razor edge
proves I am still sane.
Please don't sink my paper boat.

My next thought is there are some nice images, 'Tap dancing around truth's razor edge' actually creates a visual image of you doing it in my head 

Next thought, the last line seems weak. Critical storms sink paper boats, but will the voyage ever be completed anyway?


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## Dan Rhys (Jan 5, 2020)

Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation. To know that even some of my own students (who told me they read my novel) have seen that side of me is certainly a little weird.


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## jenthepen (Jan 5, 2020)

It's so easy to identify with the sentiment in your poem and the way you have presented it, with both brevity and depth is superb. I've set out the way that your words affected me (below) but any changes are mere tinkering. This is a great piece of work. :applause:

I sail a word sea between
my poetry's torn pages The vivid imagery of the first two lines hooked me into this poem immediately.
navigate terrible secrets The two three-syllable words here feel awkward to read. Try the line with another word, _nasty_ perhaps?
cover myself with obscure reflections I'd take out the word 'obscure' but that could be just me. 
and restrain the beast within my pen This one and the next two lines are just beautiful! Don't change anything about them!
tap dancing around truth's razor edge
proves I am still sane 
please don't sink my paper boat After the fantastic lines above it, this line could go. I don't think it's needed.


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## TL Murphy (Jan 5, 2020)

Dan Rhys said:


> Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation.



Isn’t that the point, Dan?


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## TL Murphy (Jan 5, 2020)

navigate terrible secrets 
cover myself with obscure reflection salt (wind, spray, etc...)
and restrain the beast within my pen
tap dancing around truth's the razor‘s edge
proves I am still sane


Avoid the abstract.  Stick to the concrete.  It’s obvious what the razor’s edge is. It’s so much sharper and more dangerous without invoking the abstract... it’s so much more delicious.


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## Gofa (Jan 6, 2020)

Glass half full glass half empty  or the scary rule of the excluded third  there is no glass 

half full final line 

my paper boat buoyant still 

“please don't”  play the victim card 
nor take my sunshine away


PS glass half full 
if you have a life jacket please rock my boat


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Olly Buckle said:


> Punctuation would make it easier to read.
> 
> I sail a word sea between
> my poetry's torn pages,
> ...




Hello, Olly... I am glad you liked the imagery ... Yes, storms will sink a paper boat, that was exactly my point... a paper boat is fragile, and easily destroyed... like the illusion of sanity... Thank you for reading and commenting...




Dan Rhys said:


> Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation. To know that even some of my own students (who told me they read my novel) have seen that side of me is certainly a little weird.




Writing poetry can give one the freedom to express and examine their dark side, and still keep a safe distance from the truth... yes? Thank you for your comments ;




TL Murphy said:


> navigate terrible secrets
> cover myself with obscure reflection salt (wind, spray, etc...)
> and restrain the beast within my pen
> tap dancing around truth's the razor‘s edge
> ...




It is always a pleasure to read your comments, it helps me take a step back and examine my poem not just as a whole, but also word by word... I agree that I can cut the word  "truth"... 
The "Obscure reflections" line was intentional... when one can't deal with the truth/ pain... viewing it as a mere reflection is much safer....but I will work on rewriting that line ... thank you so much, TL...


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

jenthepen said:


> It's so easy to identify with the sentiment in your poem and the way you have presented it, with both brevity and depth is superb. I've set out the way that your words affected me (below) but any changes are mere tinkering. This is a great piece of work. :applause:
> 
> I sail a word sea between
> my poetry's torn pages The vivid imagery of the first two lines hooked me into this poem immediately.
> ...




Jen, thank you so much for reading, your comments are treasured... I am working on a rewrite of this poem... but, dammit, Jen, I hate like hell to lose that last line! That was the line that inspire this poem... maybe I could keep the line, but move it to the top....I will post a rewrite asap...Thank you for all of your help, it is so appreciated...


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Gofa said:


> Glass half full glass half empty  or the scary rule of the excluded third  there is no glass
> 
> half full final line
> 
> ...



ummmm..... hummm.... okkkk..... soo.... Thanks?...:-s


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## clark (Jan 6, 2020)

FIRE -- I don't punctuate my poetry. At times, I'm sure that those who choose to read my poems right through to the end (and some don't--comments give them away) wish to hell I would. As Olly says re your poem, "punctuation would make it easier to read." Yes, it probably would, but ease of reading is not necessarily part of the poet's unwritten contract with the reader. And punctuation is not necessarily a part of poetic transcription. In our cultural stream, punctuation was first used by Aristophanes to instil in speeches  some guidance for pauses in the "completely run-on writing style of the Greeks". The minimal marks he introduced represented visually the rhythmic pauses and emphases a speaker would need when reading aloud. A few hundred years later, when the Romans steamrolled over and plagiarized all things Greek, Cicero sneered at punctuation as an avoidance of writing in such a way that cadence and rhythm would be engrained in language. See 
https://unravellingmag.com › articles › history-punctuation-english
. The entire focus--Greek and Roman--was on speeches, _oratorio_ , tracts, pamphlets, law. ALL PROSE. Prose needs punctuation to divide and separate its components and sections. Poetry, on the other hand, presents feelings and emotions which may or may NOT have components and sections. Poetry also embraces and explores ambiguity, nuances of language, internal shifts in meaning, and, most of all, mystery. Punctuation--a device of prose--may often prove an _impediment _to poetic subtlety. In your poem for example (by the way, "word-sea" is a compound noun. Needs that pesky hyphen):

I sail a word sea between
my poetry's torn pages
navigate terrible secrets 
cover myself with obscure reflections

End-of-line carries with it a miniscule pause, which you use to effect, but note that "I" is intended as the subject of both "sail" and "navigate", but without punctuation the reader has the option of also reading "torn pages"  as the subject of "navigate", a rich ambiguity that flows beautifully, and relevantly, into "secrets". Eschewing punctuation, in my view, heightens the poet's sense of rhythm and depth of language. I'm not cast-in-stone about this: sometimes a unit of punct. is definitely needed, lest the poem will simply become obscure. When necessary, use it.

I know you're in love with that last line, but consider deleting it entirely. It's a great line, and I like it too, but the poem above concerns itself with the poet's eye turned inward on the joys and the pain and the honesty of being a poet. The last line abandons this focus. The abrupt break is a jolt that has nothing to do with the imagery the poem unfolds. Rather, it turns OUTWARD, and directly addresses the reader. IMO, ending the poem with the penultimate line restores the integrity of the poem.

Like Tim, I scour poems for unnecessay abstractions, and it's good that you're going to re-consider "obscure reflections".  I think, however, that the poem needs "Truth"

And before I forget: I love the poem!

​

​


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## Gofa (Jan 6, 2020)

Mmmmmm yes it reads harsher than it appeared in my mind

please dont seems to me to be out of step with the timbre of the rest of the poem
a change of heart a going back to the water colour and touching when it was complete 

my turn 
“please don't”  see this as criticism or anything but pattern recognition being pointed to

and i am guilty here of activity that could sink your paper boat 
oh dear I feel undone 

better to be a pirate poet as the rest of the poem depicts in my mind 
than a merchant vessel 

let me throw myself upon this funeral prye
My perceiving of “please don't”  comes from my childhood  whereas your “please dont” could well have been spoken by 
Clint Eastwood

your last line in your reply   Sigh 
i look at the ground 

ummm oohhhhh  yeah  sorry ? 
no parody here my paranoia rushes to have me add


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## jenthepen (Jan 6, 2020)

Firemajic said:


> Jen, thank you so much for reading, your comments are treasured... I am working on a rewrite of this poem... but, dammit, Jen, I hate like hell to lose that last line! That was the line that inspire this poem... maybe I could keep the line, but move it to the top....I will post a rewrite asap...Thank you for all of your help, it is so appreciated...



Your vision of your poem is paramount so don't make any changes that distance you from your feelings. Any observations are tainted by the observer's feelings on your words - we all mould the poems that we read to fit our own emotions. Suggestions can be helpful but only if they give you eureka moments, if not, stick to your guns. :cookie:


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Clark, thank you for your keen observations, they intrigue me.... for me, punctuation is kinda like a paint by number painting... I would rather splash the paint, and look at the splatters and droplets....

I do get what you and TL mean about the "obscure reflections"... I am working on stronger imagery...
"Please don't rock my paper boat" is also kinda passive... I will save that line for a different poem...

Your comments give me much to think about, not only for this poem, but for future poems, I do not like to make the same mistake twice.... 

My revision is posted below...


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Firemajic said:


> I sail a word sea between
> my poetry's torn pages
> navigate terrible secrets
> cover myself with obscure reflections
> ...



REVISED

If you don't have a life jacket, don't rock the boat

I sail a word-sea between
my poetry's torn pages
navigate restless secrets
hide behind rhythm and rhyme 
and restrain the beast within my pen
tap dancing around truth's razor edge
proves I am still sane




jenthepen said:


> Your vision of your poem is paramount so don't make any changes that distance you from your feelings. Any observations are tainted by the observer's feelings on your words - we all mould the poems that we read to fit our own emotions. Suggestions can be helpful but only if they give you eureka moments, if not, stick to your guns. :cookie:



I think I have had my "eureka" moment


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Thanks to Jen, TL Murphy and Clark... I have learned so much from you all, my esteemed Mentors.... you guys rock my paper boat  
[ I knew I would get to use that damn line!]


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## Firemajic (Jan 6, 2020)

Gofa said:


> Mmmmmm yes it reads harsher than it appeared in my mind
> 
> please dont seems to me to be out of step with the timbre of the rest of the poem
> a change of heart a going back to the water colour and touching when it was complete
> ...



I love Clint Eastwood...


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 6, 2020)

'Proof of my sanity' would sound more assertive ?


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## River Rose (Jan 7, 2020)

I don’t agree that this poem lacks punctuation. 
Poetry is hard to critique as it comes from the place of ones soul.
Who am I to suggest that ones feelings need different wording that a humans soul is  speaking. 
What may seem like a weak line to one,,,may have been a strong feeling to the author.


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## Space Cadet (Jan 8, 2020)

This poem is so relatable and concise. Powerful. Great work!  The last line does add something to it, and at first, I thought it was great. I do like it either way. _Then_ after reading the thread-- clark, Olly, RH et al -- my opinion was _omit_ _it_. Now, I say put it in the title. But Maybe I don't know. I like it. You know what to do! Thank you for sharing your work. - W


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## clark (Jan 14, 2020)

River Rose -- I haven't taken a moment to welcome you to WF. You should like it here--I think it's the best around, and I've tried altogether too many forums before alighting here.

I appreciate your encompassing point, that the poem belongs to the poet and what right does anyone else have to criticize that which comes from the 'soul'? I would agree--if the other party was pushing the poet around, telling the poet what to do. That is neither the purpose nor the practice here. With the exception of flat-out errors in SPAG or usage--where the poet would WANT to accept the corrections--everything else offered in critique is the writer's OPINION, usually phrased that way, and it is up to the poet to accept the opinion or part of it and edit accordingly, or not.  The poet always owns the poemand is at complete liberty to ignore what a critic says. Personally, I welcome ALL opinions of my poetry, including severely negative ones that completely miss the point of the thing. Even in such a case, I will often notice a door open a bit that I thought was firmly closed. A careful and insightful critique will often open new and better perspectives on a particular part of the poem that I just plain missed, so I'll edit accordingly. Certain poems, I think you'll agree, are more intense than others and involve the poet to such an extent that you actually get it out of focus. Like moving your hand slowly towards your face: the lines of your hand are in sharp focus until you bring it too close. . .then its just a blur. Critique can often help you get it back in focus. The keyword is HELP. If a critique doesn't help you get closer to your own poem, pay no attention to it.

The acts of creating a poem and studying/reading/writing about a poem are entirely different. Poets are often shitty critics of their own work. TS Eliot was often criticized, sometimes scathingly, for 'finding' wonderful things in his poems that just plain were not there. The language of the poem at issue simply would not support the expanded values he was contending were there. that's another major reason why critiques are of value. The critic looks on the poem with entirely different eyes than the poet.

Just wanted to kick these few ideas around with you and welcome you. If you have any questions about WF or poetry, I'm as close as you want me to be. The other Senior Mentor for this group, Tim Murphy,  is also at your disposal.

Don't be a stranger.

clark

PS Just curious--you said "I don't agree that this poem lacks punctuation" about a poem that has absolutely NO punctuation. What did you have in mind.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2020)

River Rose said:


> I don’t agree that this poem lacks punctuation.
> Poetry is hard to critique as it comes from the place of ones soul.
> Who am I to suggest that ones feelings need different wording that a humans soul is  speaking.
> What may seem like a weak line to one,,,may have been a strong feeling to the author.



Hello, River Rose, welcome to the fabulous poetry board... I completely "get where you are coming from, and to some extent you are right... I write poetry to express my life experiences and emotions and poetry is very intimate, having said that, I agree with Clark... if there is a better way to express my message, make it powerful... then I want that, because after all, poetry IS about the message... Thank you for your keen insight, it is appreciated... I hope to see your work here, on the poetry boards soon.... 





Space Cadet said:


> This poem is so relatable and concise. Powerful. Great work!  The last line does add something to it, and at first, I thought it was great. I do like it either way. _Then_ after reading the thread-- clark, Olly, RH et al -- my opinion was _omit_ _it_. Now, I say put it in the title. But Maybe I don't know. I like it. You know what to do! Thank you for sharing your work. - W



Hello, Space Cadet, it is a pleasure to read your thoughts... I DID think about using the last line as the title... but I still think it is worthy to use in a separate poem


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## Tirralirra (Jan 21, 2020)

Firemajic said:


> I sail a word sea between
> my poetry's torn pages
> navigate terrible secrets
> cover myself with obscure reflections
> ...



Forgive me if the following offends. There is a very good poem locked in the rock of this draft, screaming to be let out.
But it is currently strapped in with redundancies and adjectives. I have taken a great liberty (and it is a liberty - these words are your words, and nothing I say can obligate you in any way to change the way you write.)
That liberty involves a hacking out which may distort your intention - and if so, of course discount it.


I must take T L Murphy’s second comments even further. With poetry we are engaged in the most precise use of language, weighing the demands of rhythm and vocabulary against each other to come up with the sounds and words most apt to our intent. Precise - and concise.

 Line 1 specifies sailing. The phrase ‘a word sea’ in Line 1 is therefore redundant.
Nothing in the piece tells me why the pages in Line 2 are torn. Do we need the word? It actually introduces a second idea into the piece which is left undeveloped.
Line 3 - In serious writing don’t all secrets have the potential to be terrible? Again, then, is ‘terrible’  needed?
Line 4 limps a bit. A tighter one could be, for example: ‘conceal myself in obfuscation’ 
Again, Line 5, does one need ‘the beast within’.
In Line 6, dancing alone is adequate - don’t need the ‘tap’.

Lines 1-5 form a unit which is separated from Line 6 by an implied period, and there is one between Lines 7 and 8 too.
If you don’t use them explicitly, you could perhaps have line spaces.

To me Line 7 has the same sort of limpness as Line 4.......‘preserves/proves my sanity’ perhaps??
And the final line - cut ‘paper.’ 

Now all this before even looking at scansion and rhythm.

Oh, and that title? Definitely not.

There are a hundred ways to skin a cat, and your way may well be better than mine. All I know is that I can see a good poem waiting here - and please excuse my impertinence.


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## Firemajic (Jan 21, 2020)

Tirralirra said:


> Forgive me if the following offends. There is a very good poem locked in the rock of this draft, screaming to be let out.
> But it is currently strapped in with redundancies and adjectives. I have taken a great liberty (and it is a liberty - these words are your words, and nothing I say can obligate you in any way to change the way you write.)
> That liberty involves a hacking out which may distort your intention - and if so, of course discount it.
> 
> ...




Dear Tirralirra, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... I loved your critique and I am not offended at all, in fact, I have learned a lot. Many of your points I agree with... 
Line 1, yes! I love that... I will cut "word-sea".... 
Line 3... I will keep the word "terrible"... some secrets are way more damaging than others, and my secrets are devastating....but you have a good point... 
line 5... is the heart of the poem... I MUST keep...
Line 7... love that... I will revise...
You suggested I cut "paper"... I cut that entire line in the rewrite...


Oh, and the title? I am a little bit in love with that...

Yes, there are many ways to skin a cat, and I love the way you did it 
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to offer your critique, it was a pleasure to read, hope to see you around...


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## RobMcC (Jul 1, 2020)

This resonated with me a great deal as I have been fascinated by words and writing since the age of seven, it has always been a therapeutic process in which I covered oneself with "obscure reflections". The title is great too and reeled me in. Thank you for sharing.


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