# A happy beginning



## Elenagance (Aug 23, 2011)

The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour. My eyes followed the liquid rolling hills of urban landscape blinking in time with the hum of the engine. Never-been-kissed lips mouthed the stops along with the bored conductor; never-been-in-love eyes glanced about never-been-special people. 
                   Mundane and lonesome I picked myself up at my stop of choice, my freedom dragged my never-been-caressed body to the stuffy platform of Fourteenth Street. Never-heard-endearment ears struggled to get lost in the music provided by worn down headphones. Lean legs skipped across rotting dirty stairs and into the smoldering heat of Manhattan. 
                  I stopped. Eyes followed all-too-familiar roads. With a small nod I secured my headphones and continued with the beating sun, strumming out the pavements until my final destination.
                  I stopped.
                  Your eyes full of kindred charming passion blazed their signature into every pore of my green blue orbs.
                  A moment of bittersweet realization transpired, the autograph was taken. However, the oral contact would not be made by my never-been-successfully-flirty tongue. A virginal smile was given in return for your wickedly handsome grin. My finger gently pushed my headphone in again as my feet learned new hope from a reborn pace.
                  I was stopped. 
Where did I get my hair done? 
New sinking feeling in my never-been-touched-heart. 
_Lack of sleep propelled me into an abstract direction._ 
Oh? Where are you from? 
_Sort of in between. I don’t feel like I have a home, you see._
Choose here.
                  I chose _you_, kindred in humor and birth country, a random stranger in my encountered serendipity. With an awkwardly swift exchange of personal numbers and a confirmation of a free time slot the next day I began my future. Ultimately, I found my home. 
                  Ultimately, I found you.
                  Only-been-passionately-kissed lips mouth ‘I love you’, as loving-with-all-my-heart eyes look into yours. Sensually-insatiable-sated body faces you lustfully, earnestly. Heart-touched-by-the-smooth-crevices-of-your-soul opens up in this moment for the world to witness.


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## Fran Canning (Aug 29, 2011)

For me the first part of the story beautifully captured the feeling of being lonely even when surrounded by people. I liked the repeated theme of 'Never-been-' and I loved the change to 'Only-been-passionately-kissed lips'. I did feel that 'Never been' was used too often and that the theme should only be used three times, with the third being the change to maximize the impact.


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## Elenagance (Sep 22, 2011)

I very much like your idea! I will go back to this when I have more time and fix that up. I think that would make it a little cleaner and have even more impact.

Elena


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## fossiliferous_g (Sep 28, 2011)

It reads like poetry. I love it. The only comment I have beyond Fran's post is that I don't much like the "you", as in, speaking directly to the person (because I'm the "you" in this case, I'm the audience). That's a personal stylistic comment though, it certainly doesn't discredit your beautiful prose.


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## Elenagance (Sep 28, 2011)

thanks!! yeah i need to comb it through it and make some decissions. 

Elena


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## jamie's (Feb 5, 2012)

Elenagance said:


> The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour. My eyes followed the liquid rolling hills of urban landscape blinking in time with the hum of the engine. Never-been-kissed lips mouthed the stops along with the bored conductor; never-been-in-love eyes glanced about never-been-special people.
> Mundane and lonesome I picked myself up at my stop of choice, my freedom dragged my never-been-caressed body to the stuffy platform of Fourteenth Street. Never-heard-endearment ears struggled to get lost in the music provided by worn down headphones. Lean legs skipped across rotting dirty stairs and into the smoldering heat of Manhattan.
> I stopped. Eyes followed all-too-familiar roads. With a small nod I secured my headphones and continued with the beating sun, strumming out the pavements until my final destination.
> I stopped.
> ...



''...kindred charming passion...'' I love it


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## Elenagance (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks !


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## AuthorsKeep (Mar 8, 2012)

i thought it was rather sweet way to show the change in person from one who thinks that love is impossible for them basically, to having that moment where there world is turn upside down from one glance from a stranger they had never met before. great work <3


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## Potty (Mar 8, 2012)

Could use a little tightening up but otherwise I liked it.  "The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour." I would probably just delete this opening line, feels a bit like a warm up line then change the end of the second sentance to " hum of the cars engine and it hurtled past the city tracks". What are city tracks?

"encountered serendipity" I would just change to serendipity.

Not bad, I like you style... Needs some explosions in it... maybe a boat chase.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 8, 2012)

My impression is that the subway car should have whizzed *along* the city tracks.


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## Blankard (Mar 8, 2012)

Good stuff.  There's always a soft spot in my heart for people, and naturally stories about people, who haven't quite known love yet, and find it.  Or, have it find them.

The second half is a little abstract, which is not necessarily to its detriment, but the transition from 'linear storytelling' to 'sorta implied dialogue' had me blinking a little bit.  Perhaps it's simply not the style to which I am most accustomed.  In any case, this was enjoyable, a cute snippet into a very important moment in someone's life.


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## RedSuinit (Mar 9, 2012)

Beautifully written. The pangs of loneliness can be felt in the first half, and is my favorite part. The style changed about midway through, and I didn't enjoy it quite as much, but I still enjoyed it.


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