# Drowsy Air



## PenManShip (Feb 11, 2011)

Just a poem that I did last year in 6th grade. Actually, this is my first poem ever. 

Drowsy Air

The quietness of the night makes me drowsy,
With the hands of the clock on nine.
Shadows had resurfaced, 
By the ghoulish moon’s peaceful shine 


Pillows are filled with sugar,
For sweet blissful dreams.
Dreams that make me happy.
Dreams that make me keen.


Drowsy air,
Fills this quiet old town.
Stars here and there,
Shining like golden crowns.


The little tykes are fast asleep.
Their pets and parents too.
It will not be long before I join them,
In the quietness of the ghoulish moon.​
~

Edited:



Drowsy Air

The quietness of the night makes me drowsy,
With the hands of the clock on nine.
Shadows have resurfaced, 
By the ghoulish moon’s peaceful shine.

So the mothers cover their babies with loving arms,
As they whisper soothing lullabies.
And the fathers read warming stories,
As kids closed their eyes.

And the pillows are filled with sugar,
For sweet blissful dreams.
As we move on to another world,
Made by us to meet our needs.

The whispers from drowsy air,
Fill this quiet old town.
Stars here and there,
Shine like golden crowns.

My friends are fast asleep.
Their pets and parents too.
It won't be long before I join them.
Under the quiet of the ghoulish moon.


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## PrisonerOfPrey (Feb 12, 2011)

Not bad! I started in middle school as well. First lesson: don't center  your work. Even if you hadn't told me how old you are I would have  known. Second lesson: If you want replies then you must also give  responses to others. I try to always check out the poems of people who  give me reviews.

Now for the poem itself, i'm going to go through, make a few changes and comment...


PenManShip said:


> Drowsy Air
> 
> The quietness of the night makes me drowsy,
> With the hands of the clock on nine.
> ...



 I like this though, you have some pretty good talent. I think you should keep writing and practicing. One last piece of advice, not every poem on this site is kid- friendly. I don't know what sort of person you are (I, for instance, would have been fine at your age) so I don't know if it will bother you. Just be careful. There are people your age that have imaginations far beyond the worse thing on here, and people who would be broken by it.


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## Martin (Feb 12, 2011)

Hi there

PoP gave some really good advice and I haven't more to add. Just want to say I really enjoyed this poem, it captured very well that moment of unexpectedness just before sleep. Definitely keep writing...

Martin


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## Gumby (Feb 13, 2011)

You've been given great advice here, and I can only agree with what's already been said. Good first effort!


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## PenManShip (Feb 15, 2011)

PrisonerOfPrey said:


> Not bad! I started in middle school as well. First lesson: don't center  your work. Even if you hadn't told me how old you are I would have  known. Second lesson: If you want replies then you must also give  responses to others. I try to always check out the poems of people who  give me reviews.



1st lesson: Not too sound rude but why? 

2nd lesson: Honestly, I know nothing of poetry. When my class did this, my teacher just said "Just think of something, write a paragraph about it, and then put it in poem form." And that was that. I just posted it here because I found it while I was deleting files. I wasn't even sure if this was a poem. I just shoved in my story writing skills. So I was pretty shocked on the feedback that I got when I posted this "poem" in various sites.




			
				PenManShip said:
			
		

> Drowsy Air
> 
> The quietness of the night makes me drowsy,
> With the hands of the clock on nine.
> Shadows had have resurfaced, (change of tense, stick to one)



Oh. Okay. I have a problem with when to use had, has, and have.




			
				PenManShip said:
			
		

> By the ghoulish moon’s peaceful shine Theres some juxtaposition here that I like, but it leaves me confused. ghoulish and peaceful?



1st, I just learned a new word, juxtaposition.
2nd, oxymoron?   I don't know. When I wrote that sentence I was thinking of a full moon, when you look at it to much it turns into a ghoulish yellow. But it looks peaceful floating in a starry night.



			
				PenManShip said:
			
		

> And the pillows are filled with sugar, this seems kind of choppy, kinda cut off from the opening stanza. Thats why I added the "and the" even though oftentimes poets are encouraged to omit extra lines, sometimes they are necessary an i think it adds to the sense of whimsy you have already created.
> For sweet blissful dreams.
> Dreams that make me happy. of course sweet dreams make you happy, it doesn't need to be said.
> Dreams that make me keen. this sounds a lot like forced rhyme, you dont need it. The sentiment has already been expressed and the word choice doesn't add anything. I would erase these two lines completely. And replace with something different or combine it with a different stanza.



About the last two lines. I just threw them in.

Anyways:

And the pillows are filled with sugar,
For sweet blissful dreams.
As we move on to another world,
Made by us to meet our needs.

I don't think it's good though.



			
				PenManShip said:
			
		

> Drowsy air, Do you really want this pause?
> Fills this quiet old town.
> Stars here and there,
> Shining shine like golden crowns. flows better



The whispers from drowsy air,
Fill this quiet old town.
Stars here and there,
Shine like golden crowns.



			
				PenManShip said:
			
		

> The little tykes are fast asleep. isn't that you?
> Their pets and parents too. I like this but the time you stated was 9, and most people are not asleep by then.
> It will not be long before I join them,
> In the quietness quiet of the ghoulish moon. I would be careful how many times I added "ness" to the end of words its not usually necessary.



About the 9:00 thing, I wrote this in a viewpoint of a child. Only with deeper words 

Mothers cover their babies with loving arms,
As they whisper soothing lullabies.
Fathers read stories,
As kids closed their eyes.

My friends are fast asleep.
Their pets and parents too.
It won't be long before I join them.
Under the quiet of the ghoulish moon.



PrisonerOfPrey said:


> I like this though, you have some pretty good talent. I think you should keep writing and practicing. One last piece of advice, not every poem on this site is kid- friendly. I don't know what sort of person you are (I, for instance, would have been fine at your age) so I don't know if it will bother you. Just be careful. There are people your age that have imaginations far beyond the worse thing on here, and people who would be broken by it.



Thank you 
	
	



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:))
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 And I think I can take things. Being a teenager these days, you know more than anyone would ever think. As long as it does not have stereotypical, or ignorant, contents, I'm good.



			
				Martin said:
			
		

> Hi there
> 
> PoP gave some really good advice and I haven't more to add. Just want to say I really enjoyed this poem, it captured very well that moment of unexpectedness just before sleep. Definitely keep writing...
> 
> Martin





			
				Gumby said:
			
		

> You've been given great advice here, and I can only agree with what's already been said. Good first effort!



Thank you very much. I appreciate it. As I mentioned above, I am absolutely surprised at the kind of feedback I got. I posted this just for the fun of what people would say. I though I would get bad feedback on this (Or maybe it's because of the pessimism I have against on any of my own work.) But truly though, I am unworthy 

~

Drowsy Air

The quietness of the night makes me drowsy,
With the hands of the clock on nine.
Shadows have resurfaced, 
By the ghoulish moon’s peaceful shine.

So the mothers cover their babies with loving arms,
As they whisper soothing lullabies.
And the fathers read warming stories,
As kids closed their eyes.

And the pillows are filled with sugar,
For sweet blissful dreams.
As we move on to another world,
Made by us to meet our needs.

The whispers from drowsy air,
Fill this quiet old town.
Stars here and there,
Shine like golden crowns.

My friends are fast asleep.
Their pets and parents too.
It won't be long before I join them.
Under the quiet of the ghoulish moon.

.___. Not big fan of the last two verses(?) or what ever you call them.


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