# My first story



## Samh93 (Feb 6, 2011)

Hi everyone, This is the unfinished chapter of my first novel.
It's about these creatures that are created in a Biochemical lab under a populated Island. They escape and start wreaking havoc and then the government send in an E.M.P that disables the city.
The main characters (a security team for a rich executive) are evacuating in a Helicopter when the E.M.P hits and they crash and have to escape the island.
Tell me what you think.

Hudson had trained his whole military career for situations like these. Pushing himself to be the best of the best. 
 “This is Alpha team, we’re approaching The Hatch” he reported into his ear piece, knowing when they reached their objective all contact with base would be lost. The leader and his ten man team huddled in the confined emergency shuttle, as it rocketed downwards, deep below the surface of the earth. Huge patches of rust dripped down the shuttle’s steel walls. A single strip light illuminated the space, constantly flickering above the men.
The walls of the shuttle shuddered under the immense pressure, they creaked painfully, fighting the force. 
Hudson’s heart thumped against his rib cage. 
A Nuclear testing lab, a massive electrical failure and the possibility of no survivors made him shudder with terror.
He felt scared, but couldn’t let his comrades see it. Unknown to them, Hudson‘s past concealed an identical situation. The details almost indistinguishable.
And now, he found himself re-living the fear and horror of his younger days.
He jumped suddenly as a chime rang around them. 
“50ft” an artificial voice called out. 
“30ft” 
“10ft” 
“00ft”
The shuttle jerked to a halt throwing the men sideways. 
They clambered up regaining their balance to see the titanium doors wedge open slowly, a thin crack of light entering the shuttle. It grew wider and wider as the doors slid apart revealing a long dimly lit corridor “We‘re In” Hudson whispered, scared to talk louder than necessary.

He un-holstered his pistol from his hip. The heavy gun sat comfortably in his hands. His thumb flicked the safety catch before he nestled his finger on the trigger then cocked back the hammer readying himself for action. The leader squeezed the handle of his pistol sending a pencil thin red beam into the distance. “Move up” he ordered. The men instantly obliged and marched forward coating the walls with red dots as their weapons scanned the surroundings. 
They moved gracefully in formation flowing down the corridor step by step. They swiftly reached the far end stopping at the obstacle that stood before them.
A solid concrete wall blocked the path forward, separating the men from their objective. 
Hudson studied the wall, running his hands up and down the surface, occasionally knocking with his rock-hard knuckles. 5 minutes passed before Hudson said two words. 
“Blow it”
He equipped his razor sharp combat knife scarring the wall with a precise X. “Right here, structurally it’s the weakest point”. 
The teams pyrotechnics expert produced a brown paper bag from his tactical vest then ripped it open with his teeth. He cast the bag aside to reveal a light blue putty like material. The man formed it in his hands flattening it into a pancake shape. 
The rest of the team cleared the area to group at the far end of the alley. He bonded the putty with the wall and prepped it with a small remote device. “Adios concrete” he mocked as he ran up the corridor and kneeled by the rest of the team. “FIRE IN THE HALL” he yelled at the top of his lungs. 
His thumb flicked the switch.
The corridor shook violently throwing clouds of dust and shrapnel in the Alphas direction. The huge shockwave shot at them knocking them from their feet as rocks and debris tumbled past them. 
They stood up, their visibility reduced to zero.
Hudson coughed aggressively, struggling to breath. He swept the dust from his uniform and picked up his tactical helmet dropped during the explosion. Then stumbled forward squinting as the cloud settled, the air became breathable again. The concrete wall stood solid, a huge gaping wound in it‘s bottom half.
The men continued their mission crouching through the gap into the pure darkness beyond.  
They stood motionless, letting their eyes adjust to their new surroundings. Alpha team slowly moved forward. They abruptly stopped as lights flickered around the room flooding it with colour. Large metal beams ran the length of the room and solid steel plates coated the walls. 
A man in a suit, stood in the centre of the room, staring curiously at the team. Alpha teams entire arsenal trained upon the figure. 
Their laser’s passed through his translucent body. 
“Hello Alpha team, Welcome to “Braun Sphere” his damaged voice crackled, echoing around the room.
“May I suggest lowering your weapons, as bullets in no way affect my behaviour, for I do not exist, and you cannot kill that which does not exist” the man said politely. 
“What are you a ghost?” a member of the team asked bewildered”. 
“No sir, my name is CAIN, COMPUTED. ARTIFICIAL, INTELLIGENCE. NETWORK. 
“You’re a computer?” the man asked laughing. The men shared a laugh and lowered their assault rifles. CAIN looked at them curiously. “Indeed and may I say this is no time for Laughing” His tone turned serious. “You men must leave Immediately!” he ordered “It is NOT safe down here”.
“We’re not leaving CAIN“, Hudson stated patriotically. “He walked directly through CAIN and began summing up the Solid steel blast door that contained the room they were grouped in. He bent down producing his combat knife then jabbed it under the door.
CAIN slowly turned to face Hudson.
“May I say it is nice to cross paths with you again Mr Hudson” CAIN said authentically. 
Hudson unwrapped his fingers from the knife and stood up, his back to CAIN.
“You remembered” He mumbled recalling the past.
The men all stared at Hudson, his head tilted forward desolately.
“You’ve been here before?” One of his men asked curiously.
“Not quite” CAIN answered unexpectedly, drawing the men’s attention from Hudson. “Braun Sphere’s twin Hatch had some, lets say Problems, Hudson, 19 at the time and under the command of Corporal Robertson delved into the Hatch in hope of re-gaining control”. 
Hudson raised his head “enough” he said quietly. 
“Ignoring the request CAIN began reminiscing again “The whole team were terminated, Hudson managed to escape be-”. “ENOUGH” Hudson screamed spinning around to glare at the invisible man. He lowered his tone “I said enough”. 
“Very well  Mr Hudson” CAIN said giving in to Hudson’s demands.
He turned back and resumed work on the door, several soldiers joined him while others stood, amazed by the complexity of CAIN.
“Please Mr Hudson, You mustn’t let them loose” he said worriedly. They detected a hint of fear in the AI’s voice. 
“Let what loose CAIN” Hudson asked moving over to the control box, knowing unless his knife turned into a blow torch it wouldn’t work. 
 “The Beasts Mr Hudson, The Beasts!”.
His warning went unnoticed as the man began typing commands into the doors keypad, clipping a miniature PDA onto the circuits. “Sure thing CAIN, I’ll keep that in mind”.
CAINS eyes suddenly glowed a deathly red “Listen to me Hudson, you will die!” 
The man flew at CAIN furiously. 
“NO, you listen to me CAIN, last time I trusted you my entire team died, you’re a walking disaster, your brains are fried to hell, Albert Braun couldn't design for s***”. 
The A.I just stared, his face expressionless. “say what you like about me, but Master Braun is a great man, a genius if you will, and if you open that door you could cause a disaster beyond your imagination” 
The door suddenly hissed as it detached itself from the floor, rising up slightly. “Got it open Hudson” a voice called from behind, breaking the tension between man and machine. 
“Sorry CAIN but we’re not leaving until this place is up and running, and when we’re finished I will personally come back down here and have you overwritten”.
The artificial man flickered. 
Then vanished.

“Hudson?” One of the men asked.
“Just forget about it, it’s not important” He replied.
He joined the four men who already had their hands jammed under the entrance lifting it upwards with ease.
What lay on the other side stumbled the men. 
A derelict computer lab, some of the high tech monitors still running. TV screens mounted on the walls buzzed with activity, the local news broadcasting on them all. A fan hummed in the corner spreading it’s cold breath around the room and a water cooler bubbled casually. 
They noticed light flooding the room from three floor to ceiling windows. 
Long blinds covered them.
“But we’re 500ft under the surface, theirs no sunlight down here” a soldier stated. 
The gentle sound of traffic flowed in the background and a police car siren wailed, gradually fading into the distance. Hudson pulled at the blinds covering the window. They climbed upwards revealing a thin glass window casting a view into the world beyond. 

Huge rectangular spotlights blinded him with imitation sunlight and giant speakers emitted the sound of false traffic.
“Is anything real in this place?” He asked rhetorically.
“They do it to give the occupants a sense of realism, to give them the experience of being up in the real world, to stop them going insane with claustrophobia”. A tall well built man explained. “I err.. Studied Human psychology for-.”
His sentence went unfinished as an over-sized printer hummed in to life behind him. It buzzed and whined producing several pieces of paper covered with hundreds of words. He picked up a sheet and handed it to Hudson. 
Hudson studied the paper curiously. 
The word “LEAVE” repeated itself over and over. 
“Give it up CAIN” He boomed. 
“C’mon guys lets move on”.

Alpha team left the computer room through a small office door, moving on to a small reception. Dimly lit lights hung from the ceiling casting their glare onto rare pleasant green plants. 
A reflective polished floor squeaked underfoot of the men, merging with stylishly coloured walls that complimented the room with Pictures of Famous landscapes. 
An immaculately cleaned glass door lead from the office to a long running hallway ending with a T junction. 
The glass door sported a white printed circle with the corporations logo written underneath.  
The team looked on, horrified expressions on their speechless faces. 
A mass of dark blood pooled behind the glass. It reflected it’s surroundings in a red hue. 
Centred in the blood, a severed arm lie motionless, it’s fingers curled inwards. The detached arteries and veins still spluttered with life, coughing out fresh blood. 
A silver expensive looking watch clung to the arm. Still ticking away, second by second. 
Hudson gulped and un-holstered his pistol, grasping it firmly, his finger gripping the trigger.
“What the hell do we do now” a fearful soldier asked him.
Hudson just stared at the arm, his vision locked to it.
“I don’t know, I just don’t know”.


“We finish our objective” Hudson concluded after several trails of thought.
The team rumbled in objection.
“I’m in charge here” he reminded them.
They knew better than to argue with Him, they stood uneasily silent, unsure what to do. Hudson opened the glass door, smearing the puddle of blood, .his combat boots squelched in the sticky liquid. He walked down the corridor imprinting blood stains on the glossy floor. 
His men gradually followed him avoiding the arm and it‘s spluttering fluids. 
As the last soldier entered the corridor Hudson had reached the half way point. He stopped and waited. Partly to ensure no one was left behind, partly because he was too afraid to go on alone. 
They crept forward, when Hudson stopped them abruptly. A thin red laser scaled the width of the corridor, just waiting to be crossed. 
He smiled to himself. The attempt at a booby trap laughable. 
He lifted his foot directly over the laser, then hastily stopped as a thought flashed through his mind. 
The man balanced on one leg, the other hovering above the trap.
“Could it really be this easy” his mind asked him. His leg began to retract to the safety behind the laser.
But it was too late. 
A gathering of glistening blood formed on the front of Hudson’s boot. Without warning a stray drop fell to the ground penetrating the confines of the laser then splashing as it hit the floor below. 
The lights flashed violently. The yellow glow suddenly turning red.  
“oh Shit” he whispered to himself.
A thunderous warning bell rang out echoing throughout the tunnel. 
“MOVE” Hudson screamed at his men. 
Before they could react a huge Blast door dropped from behind them, sealing them from the reception area, their only known escape route.
Hudson jumped forward and ran down the corridor pushing himself to run faster than ever. A sudden spray of dust sprinkled from the roof before the T junction. Then a second blast door dropped like lightening. 
He wasn’t going to make it, he couldn’t. 
His hand clenched his pistol, gripping it with vice like strength. 
Hudson dived onto his chest sliding across the polished floor like ice, then wedged his firearm under the door. It cracked like glass, It‘s metal frame pinned under the steel. 
The door jolted, unable to move any further due to the blockage. 
It’s pistons creaked. 
Then failed. 
Hudson breathed a sigh of relief, his heart almost escaping from his chest. He laughed hysterically like a mad man. But this was no time for celebration. Climbing to his knees he forced his finger through the gap that lie between the 5-inch thick steel and its harbour. 
A loyal soldier swung his assault rifle from its sling and sacrificed it by pushing it under the gap. He heaved upwards on the weapon his bulging muscles straining. 
Several men aided him pushing the gun and forcing the door upwards.
It suddenly unclamped the remains of Hudson’s pistol that lie a misshapen mess on the floor.
He collected the various parts staring fondly at the gun that had served him for most of his career.
The memories hit him like a bullet. The people he’d shot, the people he’d wounded, the people he’d killed. 
Hudson wasn’t proud of his past, but he sure as hell wasn’t ashamed of it. 
“Not much use to me now are you”. 
He cast the scraps aside watching them clatter with life as they hit the floor. 
The metal lie still, retired. 
Hudson knelt down and reached into the bottom of his trousers producing his compact pistol from its holster. It sat dwarfed by his giant hands. It appeared small but could hold its own on the battle field.
“Big things come in small packages” he thought to himself.

The huge blast door creaked in front of the men. It clicked continually as the pistons were forced backwards being brutally damaged. 
Centimetre by centimetre they pried it open increasing the gap. 
It thudded aggressively after moving for the last centimetre. The gap below the door hardly big enough, even for a small child. Hudson clamped his hand under the door, his attempt at lifting it futile.
“Damn” he cursed.
He scanned the men and found his target. The teams electronics engineer stared back at him. “Can you open it” Hudson asked. The man thought for several seconds. “From in here, No. But from through their we can” He pointed at the gap bellow the blast door. “These doors are built with a quick release, usually outside the exclusion zone”.
Hudson looked hopeful. “Is there anyone who can fit under?” he requested. The mass of bulgingly muscular men staring back made him sceptical. 
“I can!”.
The voice exclaimed from the back of the group. A medium height, small framed soldier stepped forward proudly. 
A smile spread across Hudson’s face. “Perfect”.


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## nikki3 (Feb 7, 2011)

really good I really do love that and I know wait for the rest of the chapter and the story. At the sametime as I was readying it I was seeing the image in my head like if it was a movie and if you ever finish writing this novel and you finally published well something is sure is that you will see your little baby come on big screen.

good luck and continue your nice job


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## Samh93 (Feb 7, 2011)

Thankyou Nikki, I was a bit self concious about my writing. Thanks for giving me some confidence


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## riverdog (Feb 8, 2011)

> Centred in the blood, a severed arm lie motionless, it’s fingers curled inwards. The detached arteries and veins still spluttered with life, coughing out fresh blood.


 
I haven't had a chance to read in detail yet, but this passage popped out at me.  Be careful, first you contradict yourself- arm is motionless and splutters with life- and, anatomically speaking, a severed arm can't cough blood.  It can drain, but it can't cough blood.  You need the heart (assumingly not part of the severed arm) to pump the blood in order for it to "cough" blood.


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## Samh93 (Feb 8, 2011)

Thanks for the advice Riverdog,  I didn't think of that. I'll re-word that one


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## Mezza (Feb 9, 2011)

I really enjoyed it, good work.

Just a couple things I noticed however.  It looks like you need to work on the punctuation when using quotations, you may find this article useful, I sure did

He said, she said - Mechanics of Dialogue - Creative Writing Forums

it's all about the mechanics of dialogue and the punctuation that goes with it.  I was also a little confused as to where the rifles came from  





> He un-holstered his pistol from his hip. The heavy gun sat comfortably in his hands. His thumb flicked the safety catch before he nestled his finger on the trigger then cocked back the hammer readying himself for action. The leader squeezed the handle of his pistol sending a pencil thin red beam into the distance.


  it sounds like they all have pistols here...bat least that was my assumption, that and Hudson not being the leader of the group which is addressed later.  Just a little clarity thing.

other wise good work, a few tweaks here and there and it'll be beautiful.


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## riverdog (Feb 9, 2011)

> “What the hell do we do now” a fearful soldier asked him.
> Hudson just stared at the arm, his vision locked to it.
> “I don’t know, I just don’t know”.
> 
> ...


 
Another suggestion. You provide yourself with a great opportunity to expand Hudson's character here, but you instead skip over any inner monologue and backstory that will attach the reader to your character.

How did he come to this decision?

Why?

What made him pause? Does this scene remind him of something from his past?

What does he see as his options? His weighing of the pros and cons of continuing forward and finishing the mission, or turning tale and getting the f out of dodge.

OR 

Strike the part that says he came to the decision after several minutes of thought, and have him say something like "We do what we always do, soldier, we finish the mission.  Now lets get moving."


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## Samh93 (Feb 9, 2011)

Thanks for the link Mezza quotations aren't my strong point if I'm honest  and Thanks riverdog I love the part: We do what we always do, soldier, we finish the mission. Now lets get moving."  Think it'd sound really good


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## Samh93 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hey everyone, this is the next part of my story, continued from before 

“It’s too dark to see,” the courageous Soldier shouted as his legs slid under the door. “Throw me a light”. 
Hudson unclipped his flash-light and placed it on the other side of the door. 
The young soldier curled his fingers around it. 
He jumped unexpectedly as Hudson’s mighty hand wrapped around his wrist and pulled him within earshot. 
“Be careful,” Hudson ordered.
The man couldn’t see Hudson’s face. But he knew if he could, it would’ve been an expression of pure concern. 
As much as Hudson hated to admit, he was still just a regular man. Under the layers of intimidating Muscles and a sullen face. lie a genuine, caring man. 
The man seemed to hesitate, almost unsure how to approach Hudson’s foreign behaviour.
“Thank you sir, I will.” 
The man’s wrist slid from his leaders grip as he backed away. Their connection cut.
His flashlight clicked into life, casting it’s rays upon the darkness. He searched the vast corridor. 
“Nothing here,” he shouted. 
Hudson’s heart sank into his chest, petrified to spend the rest of his life locked up. “Keep looking."
They waited in silence anxiously. 
“Hey guys, I think I‘ve found it,” his voice flooded with achievement.
The men cheered noisily rumbling with commotion. 
“Throw the switch,” Hudson directed unable to conceal his smile.   
He waited eagerly for his response.
It never came.
The sound of the flash-light dropping to the floor sprang from the darkness. 
“Soldier, throw the leaver,” he repeated, a concerned edge to his voice. “Don’t piss about with me, this really isn’t the time.”
Silence…
“You better answer me,” he threatened, his voice booming. “NOW.”
Silence…
Hudson dropped to his knees, just staring into the darkness under the door. He caught sight of the flashlight lying abandoned highlighting the nearby wall. 
“I’m not dying in here,” he said determined.
He squeezed his head through the gap, gripping the door as he wedged himself under.
With the door resting precariously over his vulnerable neck he stopped, unable to move any further. 
“Hudson you’ll get stuck,” an outspoken soldier cautioned.
Hudson knew he was right, he was grasping at straws, he began to retreat when the loud clunk of the control box stopped him dead. 
The soldiers heard it too.
He lie there frozen, speechless.


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## nikki3 (Feb 15, 2011)

hey Samh what is next????


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## Samh93 (Feb 15, 2011)

hmmm, been planning the end of this story for a few days, so it'll come soon


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## AceTachyon (Feb 16, 2011)

I read up to the first line of dialogue and stopped.

You're telling here. A lot.

I see Hudson is your viewpoint character. If so, I want the story from his viewpoint. Not necessarily in 1st person, but I want to know the story through his eyes. Show me what he's feeling and hearing and thinking.

Don't tell me he felt scared. Show me. Is he trying to control his breathing? Hiding shaky hands? Clenching his jaw? How is he not showing his fear to his men? 

Don't tell me about his past. Show me. Right now, at this moment, is he getting flashbacks? Flash of images from the last bad event?

Right now, I, as reader, am emotionally distant from your main character. Not good. I want to live the story through your main character. Put us in his shoes.


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