# Blossoms



## Sonata (Jun 20, 2016)

blossoms in the trees
blow down when the wind is strong
and rest on the ground​


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## Firemajic (Jun 21, 2016)

I do like what you are trying to do here, Sonata... but [jmo] feel like you missed an opportunity to strengthen the imagery.  The storm ripped  fragile blossoms off the trees and flung them to the ground, tattered and bruised, crumpled their beauty...


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## Sonata (Jun 21, 2016)

It was my first attempt at a Haiku and I tried to keep to the 5, 7, 5 syllables.  Maybe I tried too hard and should have just left it as a poem without worrying about syllable count?


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## aj47 (Jun 21, 2016)

Sonata said:


> blossoms in the trees
> *blossoms* is the word meaning *tree-flower* so the rest is filler
> blow down when the wind is strong
> you could fit much of this into L1
> ...



Seventeen syllables is a lot of room if you're expressing one idea, but it helps if you leave out words you don't need as they take up some of your syllable-space.

Just because they're short, doesn't mean they're easy.


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## escorial (Jun 21, 2016)

i like the word rest in this piece....it gave the piece a calmness


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## ned (Jun 21, 2016)

hello - you got the syllable count, and a good haiku subject -but you forgot the poetry
 - and we're left with three plain statements of fact

give the imagery a poetic slant, ie - blossoms clinging on....etc
haiku is a great form for creativity - requiring the writer to condense the idea to its essence
(hopefully) and the linguistic acrobatics can be a real challenge.

so give it another go, perhaps a re-write, and enjoy minimal satisfaction.
Ned


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## Sonata (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you for your advice Ned - it seems that I have a lot to learn before I can write a haiku.  I really did not know what I was doing and just counting syllables was obviously wrong.  I must try to do better because I really think I can.

I hope.


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## Nellie (Jun 21, 2016)

Sonata said:


> It was my first attempt at a Haiku and I tried to keep to the 5, 7, 5 syllables.  Maybe I tried too hard and should have just left it as a poem without worrying about syllable count?



With this being your first attempt, I'd say Yay, for you. Haikus aren't easy just because of the 5,7,5 syllable count. They're also about nature, and as Firemajic suggests, by adding just a bit more imagery, you would have a wonderful Haiku. Great for trying. I hope to see more.


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## Sonata (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you Nellie - but at least I tried.  The count was easy but the imagery was not.  But I did try and I will try to get better.


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## Nellie (Jun 21, 2016)

Sonata said:


> Thank you Nellie - but at least I tried.  But I did try and I will try to get better.



That's it....... try and try again..... you will get better.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 21, 2016)

Sonata, given that English is not your first language and that this is your first haiku I applaud you! Don't give up. Great tips, here!



> Originally Posted by *astroannie *
> 
> it helps if you leave out words you don't need as they take up some of your syllable-space.



Try to avoid articles and prepositions. Examples:

*Articles...........Prepositions
*
the..................as
this................. at
that.................of
these...............into

Here, merely a matter of "translation"
blossoms in  *on* the trees
blow down when the wind is strong _(wind blows blossoms *around*)_
 and rest on the ground​


> Originally Posted by *FireMajic*
> 
> you missed an opportunity to strengthen the imagery




Using her word examples, it would read like this

frail blossoms flung
beauty bruised, tattered
by torrent of wind​Go to it! I know you can.


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## Sonata (Jun 22, 2016)

SilverMoon said:


> Sonata, given that English is not your first language and that this is your first haiku I applaud you! Don't give up.



But English IS my first language. It has been for over 74 years now and I do not understand why you would think it was not.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting comments, however a lot of the message in Japanese poetry is given by implication rather than explicitly. Also Japanese is a language full of double meanings, haiku can usually be translated in several ways. With this in mind consider; 'rest', as escorial says, is calming, it also implies that the blossom  is not damaged, as cherry blossom for example would be, but has fallen complete from the tree, in a transient stage between function and decay. That strikes me as a very Oriental way of looking at the world, most appropriate.

'Less is more' is a strong feature of Japanese poetry, one should be able to read things into it that are not explicitly stated, and explicit statements, providing more information, can actually be negative in this respect.

It is also very seasonal, another feature of haiku. I like it.


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## Nellie (Jun 22, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> 'Less is more' is a strong feature of Japanese poetry, one should be able to read things into it that are not explicitly stated, and explicit statements, providing more information, can actually be negative in this respect.
> 
> It is also very seasonal, another feature of haiku. I like it.



'Less is more' is the reason I LOVE haiku...... not a bunch of nothingness going into a poem. And it is seasonal, another reason I LOVE haiku!


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## EACyrianne (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it is nice.


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## Sonata (Jun 22, 2016)

It is a shame that some people think that English is not my first language.  Because it has been for 74 years and it distresses me when people that it is not.


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## Terry D (Jun 22, 2016)

Nothing to be distressed about. People make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things this is a minor one.


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## Nellie (Jun 22, 2016)

Terry D said:


> Nothing to be distressed about. People make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things this is a minor one.



Yes, people DO make mistakes, but language isn't a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. That is how we COMMUNICATE! Why then, do you consider it a minor issue? I don't understand. If someone is distressed, then it needs to be addressed, IMO.


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## Chesters Daughter (Jun 22, 2016)

*Kindly keep all subsequent comments related to the work that has been presented for critique. Thank you.*


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