# Into the Melody



## Nemesis (Aug 3, 2012)

My sub-par attempt at a romantic song, still came out strange and depressive though....


In a forest of dew,
I'll be waiting for you
Watching as the trees glisten anew
And under a blanket of indigo skies
I whisper what has to be true

"Falling, into this melody
Will you now bring me to calm?
Save me from the bleakest of destinies
by bringing me into your arms"

This solemn promise will be a sweet memory
now hold me my darling, come here
I have been waiting to sing us a threnody
over what kept us from being near

From a perfect life of beautiful harmony
in which soft carresses entice
Where blood sacrifices are meaningless tragadies,
when an offering of our love would suffice

"Falling, into this melody
Will you now bring me to calm?
Save me from the bleakest of destinies
by bringing me into your arms"

Entiwining, into eternity
will our souls now be at rest?
Calling to lost serenity 
and to our hearts, which we know the best


"Falling, into this melody
Will you now bring me to calm?
Save me from the bleakest of destinies
by bringing me into your arms"


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## Bachelorette (Aug 14, 2012)

All right, Noxicity – I’m going to attempt to give you a critique of some of your lyrics. We’ll see how it goes, I guess… just don’t expect much, lol.



> In a forest of dew,
> I'll be waiting for you
> Watching as the trees glisten anew
> And under a blanket of indigo skies
> I whisper what has to be true



I like this beginning. “Blanket of indigo skies” is especially nice.



> "Falling, into this melody
> Will you now bring me to calm?
> Save me from the bleakest of destinies
> by bringing me into your arms"



I also like the chorus. The second line is a bit awkward, but I think, in a song, you could get away with it just fine. I really like the idea of "falling into" a melody, too.



> This solemn promise will be a sweet memory
> now hold me my darling, come here
> I have been waiting to sing us a threnody
> for what kept us from being near



The first line is a touch cliché. “Solemn promise” and “sweet memory” are love song staples. Compared to the first two, uh, stanzas I guess I’ll call them, this is a little disappointing. I think you can do better.

That said, you come back strong with the last two lines. I had to look up “threnody”! So in other words, waiting to sing a dirge over what had kept you apart. That’s pretty good. You might consider changing “for” in the last line to “over,” but then that would give you an extra syllable, so that might not work. I guess I just don’t think “for” is the right word to use in this instance, but it’s equally likely I’m just being overly picky, so take it for what it’s worth.



> From a perfect life or beautiful harmony
> in which soft caresses entice
> Where blood sacrifices are meaningless tragedies,
> when an offering of our love would suffice



I’m afraid you’ve lost me completely with these lines. I’m trying to connect them with what came before, and I just can’t. Is it supposed to read, “From a perfect life *of *beautiful harmony”? That would make a bit more sense, and then I’d be okay with the first two lines. But I don’t get where the last two lines are coming from. Maybe if you explain what you meant, I can make a suggestion or two.



> Entwining, into eternity
> will now our souls be at rest?
> Calling to lost serenity
> and to our hearts, which we know the best



The second line is definitely too awkward. It ought to read: “*will our souls now be at rest*”. The other thing I don’t understand is why “serenity” is “lost.” If you’ve finally gotten with this person, doesn’t that imply that things are now serene? Or are you hinting that even though you’ve finally got your love by your side, it isn’t all you thought it would be? If that’s the case, it needs to be more implicit. Because if you 'know your hearts the best,' I would think a love affair would proceed fairly smoothly – at least, in the context of a love song.

Okay! That’s my first attempt at lyric-critting. Hope some of that was helpful. All in all, I don’t think this is a “sub-par” love song. I think it’s quite good. And I don’t see how it came out “strange and depressive” either, but then, I have a very high tolerance for such things, haha. Nice work here. Thanks for sharing.


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## Nemesis (Aug 14, 2012)

I was going for strong imagery I suppose. whe n I write I always picture first. In this case I saw this strange realm meant only for lovers, free from a world of tragedy "Blood sacrifices" and "an offering of our love will suffice" referred to not having to make sacrifices in life because the love is strong enough to overcome all negative things (idealistically) I tried to echo that sentiment in the final chorus. Saying "now together we will be happy, we can restore peace and be content." Its also referring to getting over the bad things that happend because we are together again.  it was supposed to be "of" not "or", a typo i will fix now.


I will probably change for to over as it doesnt mess with the beat too much and is easy to shorten when sung.

All and all I found your review thourough and helpful! Let me know where I can return the favor =)


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## Qetris (Sep 27, 2013)

The rhymes in this song are nice and flow well.  The prosody is wonderful.  You also have some great images ("the trees glisten anew").  However, I personally find that overall the imagery is a bit lacking.  I think providing concrete images instead of overused, abstract phrases such as "perfect life of beautiful harmony" and "will our souls now be at rest" would definitely help the song.


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## JMeso899 (Oct 9, 2013)

I really enjoyed reading that. I don't really have anything negative to say. As you said, it came out strange and depressive but I think that's a good thing. It adds to the beauty of the song.


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## greggb77 (Nov 6, 2013)

I really like the feel of this lyric, and appreciate the fact that it's not all bubbly happy and full of cliches - there are way too many songs like that.  I don't think it's overly strange or depressing.  

"Forest of dew" may be just a little too far out for the listener to wrap their head around.  Forests are typically made of trees, though they could be made of other metaphorical items, maybe even people, but not of water, which is what dew is.  Other than that, the first verse is beautiful and full of thought-provoking imagery.

I think the chorus is very good, too.  And there's nothing wrong with the additional verses, but I'd like to see a little more of the imagery you used in the first verse throughout the rest of the verses.  They're pretty, but almost completely full of intangible concepts, in contrast to the first verse, which really paints a picture - something we can see in our heads.

Then, I think leaving your chorus as is, which is pretty abstract, would be a nice contrast to the more concrete details in the verses, and would create some back-and-forth movement.

Great work, though!


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## Nemesis (Nov 7, 2013)

Qetris - thanks for taking the time to read and review =) I find myself agreeing with you now that I look back at this old piece, the second and third verses are riddled with cliches and should be revamped

JM - thanks to you as well, I always appreciate comments no matter what!


Gregg - I think you're right, sometimes I will write just whatever comes out just because it sounds good when I sing it (even if it's nonsensical and not in the good way!) But I fear I may not be able to think of something else to replace it ^^'

Let me know if any of y'all have something you'd like me to take a look at!


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## stevenmw (Dec 27, 2013)

Sort of depressing but i get it. Pretty good!


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