# 06-28-05 | Scores



## daniela (Jul 1, 2005)

*Literary Maneuvers*: Moralistic Fable Scores

So sorry everyone.  I meant to have these scores ready for you sooner but as usual I overslept. 

I'd like to thank everyone who participated in this competition.  The submissions were a pleasure to read and score.  Also, a big thank you to all the judges for volunteering their time and doing an excellent job.  Finally, I can't overlook Aevin who came up with the theme this time around.  It was a great idea and I think we should all show our appreciation for him.

Now it's time for what you have been waiting so patiently for.  Below are the average and individual scores for each member.  The order of the reviewers is Ilan, ms. vodka, gohn67, valeca, selorian72, me, Aevin, and pgoroncy.  Don't forget to scroll down and read your comments.



Crazy_dude6662: 11.1 (12, 12, 10, 11, 12, 11, 9, 12)
Burnz: 15.5 (15, 16, 16, 17, 16, 14, 15, 15)
Kelhanion: 14.6 (16, 13, 13, 14, 15, 15, 15, 16)
bobothegoat: 17.1 (18, 18, 18, 18, 17, 16, 14, 18) 
Farror: 13.3 (17, 16, 11, 11, 13, 13, 9, 16)
LoneWolf: 17.8 (18, 18, 17, 18, 18, 17, 18, 18)
gohn67: X (14, 17, X, X, X, 16, X, X) 
Besh: 15.1 (16, 16, 13, 16, 17, 15, 12, 16)
falco: 14.1 (15, 19, 13, 17, 13, 18, 8, 10)
Hodge: 15.8 (15, 16, 14, 18, 16, 17, 14, 16)
eggo: 17.1 (16, 18, 17, 17, 15, 16, 19, 19)
strangedaze: 17.0 (19, 19, 17, 16, 14, 19, 14, 18)
valeca: X (17, X, X, X, X, X, X, X)
Ilan Bouchard: X ( X, X, 16, X, X, X, X, X)
Philo: 17.4 (17, 19, 17, 16, 18, 19, 15, 18)
Gigi: 17.0 (18, 17, 18, 17, 19, 18, 11, 18)


*Top Five*


 LoneWolf (17.8)
 Philo (17.4)
 bobothegoat / eggo (17.1)
 strangedaze / Gigi (17.0)
 Hodge (15.8)


I'll spare you guys the cute banter (otherwise it might be a few more hours before you get your scores) and just say that all of the participants deserve a huge round of applause.  Thanks for making the second LM competition a success.  See you all in two weeks!



The thread is now open for: acceptance speeches; expressions of gratitude to Aevin and the judges; pats on the back for your fellow members; and whatever else you can think of.


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## Ilan Bouchard (Jul 3, 2005)

[an:76a155d804]Firstly, thanks to everyone who submitted.  These were very great fun to read and moderately fun to critique.  And many thanks to those who critiqued all these stories, especially me.  Without me, the following beautifully crafted critiques wouldn’t have been possible.

But silly jokes aside, thanks to all who contributed to this teamwork-fueled activity of forum-induced writing-enhancement.[/an:76a155d804]


Author: *Crazy_dude6662*
Title: The werewolf
This was certainly a strange story, and one I wouldn’t have thought of to use.  However, the characters just didn’t flow with me; they seemed much too casual about the whole situation.  (“Fine, but I won’t kill him.”) Your several grammar mistakes were the story’s greatest flaw, and unfortunately couldn’t be ignored in the final scoring.
Score: 12/10

Author: *Burnz*
Title: The Loyal Worker
The characters acted irrationally, though this wasn’t a bad thing; they gave life to the story. I can’t find any reason why this didn’t get a higher score, other than the bland narration, which subsequently gave it a lacking undertone.
Score: 15/20

Author: *Kelhanion*
Title: Diamonds in the sky
A very original story with an interesting setting.  The image of five children holding onto a woman holding onto a man was certainly an amusing one, and I liked very much that you incorporated two traditional morals into the story, both of which worked well.
Score: 16/20

Author: *bobothegoat*
Title: On the Other Side
I was confused by the moral, particularly by the italics on ‘is,’ as if implying Carl believed his grass wasn’t really browner, which seemed to contradict something in the story.  I can’t tell if that’s my fault or yours, so I didn’t dwell too far into that.
The talking animal is part of traditional fabling, and allowed the moral to shine through as the reader suspended disbelief.  I took two points off because you didn’t give me the score I deserved for the haiku LM.  (I’m kidding, of course.  I only took one point off.)
?(I should probably mention I was joking then too, for those out there who don’t know my humor well enough.)
Score: 18/10

Author: *Farror*
Title: Keep Digging
Since this is such a fine piece, I feel I have to point out the few minor flaws you left.  Though this is debatable, one could say Mad Jimmy didn’t have much of a story at all, considering he died in the process.  I was also appalled at the incorrect use of “weighs” in your lesson.  And if that was the correct “way,” then I didn’t understand the moral at all.  Regardless, ‘twas a fun piece to read.
Score: 17/20

Author: *Lonewolf*
Title: The Squirrel’s Folly
At first I was disappointed by the style the story took – seemingly simple, and almost amateur.  As the story progressed it became evident this simple narrative was in fact very intended and gave the desired effect.  The lack of an obvious and/or stated moral leaves different layers for thought, which added to the enjoyment of this story.
Score: 18/20

Author: *gohn67*
Title: Cutco Knives Are Sharp
A very twisted and bizarre story.  Unfortunately, I found the moral too obviously presented and thought the story took a crude approach (though I must admit I took great heed to your story and put the cutlery back in my cabinet just in time. Phew! :wink: ).  Fine for some people perhaps, but I personally was dissatisfied and turned off by the story.  Fluid writing style and flawless grammar.
Score: 14/20

Author: *Besh*
Title: The Ant and the Dog
Very simple and to the point, and thus consolidated this quality fable.  I always wondered what that saying was supposed to mean.  'Twas a quick read leaving me little to complain about.
Score: 16/20

Author: *falco*
Title: A Tall Tolkien Tale
I had very mixed feelings about this.  One one hand, I didn't like the fact that this was obviously based of LOTR.  As well, I wasn't sure quoting the book counts as a moral or fable.  On the other hand, it stood out for all this, and certainly wasn't a bad story.  Thus:
Score: 15/20

Author: *Hodge*
Title: 500 Yard Dash
I liked the story, 'twas well written, but my only qualm was that there was no indication of a moral until the last paragraph, and even then it seemed half-heartedly introduced, especially since other characters in the story (dad) contradicted the moral.
Score: 15/20

Author: *eggo*
Title: Three Little Rats
I found this story very funny, and loved Gramps.  It may seem off-topic, but I should mention I plan on being just like this guy when I'm as old as a fold.  And I plan on making up axioms like that.
But as I was saying, the moral seemed rather story-specific, which makes the fable a bit redundant.  But that's how the cheese molds.
Score: 16/20

Author: *strangedaze*
Title: Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale
I had to blink a few times after reading this.  This, like much of your work, was very well written and very enjoyable to read.  Your style is very fluid, amongst the absurdity you can concoct.  A very good show, though the moral left me baffled (which may have prevented you from getting a perfect score, though I'm not positive.  This ain't an exact math or science; I'm winging it.  In the words of someone who's name escapes me, "Fake it till you make it!").
Score: 19/20

Author: *valeca*
Title: Leap
*grumbles about how valeca always insists on extra work*  (Yep, I'm a hypocrite. :roll: )
A nice story that takes the saying "jumping to conclusions" a step further.  Hmm... I'm a bit stuck as to what to write, but since you aren't in the contest, I shan't dwell on it too much.  I will only say that I enjoyed reading the story quite a lot.
Score: 17/20

Author: *Ilan Bouchard*
Title: The Man And The Man
It's difficult to find fault in this story.  Try as I might, I found nothing warranting any less than a perfect score, and even then I was rounding down.  Good show man, a very good show.  I feel guilty giving such a score, but I must admit it deserved nothing less.
Score: 20/20

Author: *Philo*
Title: The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish
How cruel!  I could only imagine the helplessness Octopus must have felt.  In either case, I liked this story a great deal.  I could also string a few other morals from the story as well.
Score: 17/20

Author: *Gigi*
Title: The Jukebox
I liked the writing style immensely.  You were able to capture the significance of the jukebox and string what I suspect was more than 500 words ( :wink: ) into a beautiful composition.
Score: 18/20


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## ms. vodka (Jul 10, 2005)

Author:  *Crazy_dude6662*
Title:  The Werewolf
The grammar mistakes in this made it hard to read, along with all the quotation marks.  I think it would have been much easier to read if you would have seperated each character's lines of dialogue with a double-space.  I also had a problem with both of the characters seeing the same thing, and both of them being so tragically wrong.  I think it would have worked better if only one character had "seen" the werewolf and reacted.  But, the idea of this story was interesting and the moral fit well.
Score:  12/20

Author:  *Burnz*
Title:  The Loyal Worker
The story was well written, flowed nicely, and was easy to read.  However, you could see the ending coming long before the story was over.  Although technically, I wouldn't have expected her to run him over, you could tell which character would end up losing the promotion.  Also, it says that he feels the "first" impact of the car, and I don't really think that if you are mowed down by a car like that, you would feel a "second" impact, so impact would suffice.  
Score:  16/20

Author:  *Kelhanion*
Title:  Diamonds in the Sky 
There were some things I found confusing about this story.  Do all the Cradlums live in the same house, or are there many, seperate houses floating in space?  Why do they have five kids each in the family?  Do five belong to the mother, and five the father?  The grammar in this story was a bit weak, I thought, but I liked the use of the double morals, which applied nicely to the story.
Score:  13/20

Author:  *bobothegoat*
Title:  On the Other Side
I liked this because first of all, I like any story in which someone names one of the characters Carl.  Otherwise, this was excellently written, easy to read and follow.  It also made me laugh, which isn't so easy to do and I enjoyed the twist on the moral.  Nicely done.
Score:  18/20

Author:  *Farror*
Title:  Keep Digging
This was quite an original idea, but I found some of it to be a bit akwardly phrased, which made for some slight confusion.  Also, the ending seemed quite rushed, like maybe this story had been longer and had been cut for word count's sake.
Score:  16/20

Author:  *Lonewolf*
Title:  The Squirrel's Folly
I thought this was very good.  It was nicely written and kept me interested in the plot and ending throughout.  This story seems as though it implies a couple of morals throughout, which tie in nicely together at the end.  I also liked how Chipmunk stayed consistantly moral, even down to his forgiveness of squirrel at the end.
Score:  18/20

Author:  *Gohn*
Title:  Cutco Knives Are Sharp
The story was well written technically and gramatically, as usual.  It was also suitably strange and dark.  But man, I just don't see a guy cutting of his dick for a reason such as this!!! I mean, really, aren't your dicks like, your life or something?  I think the ending would have been a bit more realistic if maybe he had cut off his dick to find out that the others hadn't and that was part of the test, to see if he would react like a sheep, or if he would have had enough guts to stand up for himself.
Score:  17/20

Author: * Besh*
Title:  The Ant and the Dog
I thought this story was well written and it kept me interested, but the moral seemed somehow too easy to me, almost like a copout.  "Let sleeping dogs lie"... In reality, no ant would have asked a dog's permission to take the food!  It would have just marched up to the bowl, taken the food and left.  It would have worked better if maybe the dog's head had been resting on the bowl or something of that nature, so the and _had _to ask.
Score:  16/20

Author:  *Falco*
Title:  A Tall Tolkien Tale
I don't know if this constitutes "fanfiction" or not.  You know, I'm not very familiar with that genre.  However, I thought this was excellently written and it was extremely funny.  The visuals actually made me laugh out loud in the end.  The moral was also fitting and made me chuckle.  This was a loose definition of "fable" but I thought you made it work very well in the end.
Score:  19/20

Author:  *Hodge*
Title:  500 Yard Dash
I thought this was very well written, strong tone and voice.  I had a problem with the father's character, though, who seemed inconsistant.  Also, the moral was odd.  "Quitters never lose either"...  so, what you are saying is that at first his father told him quitters never win, then in the end after he said it's okay, the son got the idea that his father was actually a quitter because he justified the son's losing with a "maybe next time"?  It was just a bit confusing for me, how the reader is suppposed to tie this all in together...
Score:  16/20

Author:  *Eggo*
Title:  Three Little Rats
Well written, very entertaining.  The characters were nicely developed for such a short piece.  I liked the vivid discriptions of all three of the rats deaths, I loved Gramps, and the moral made me laugh out loud.  Nicely done, Eggo.
Score:  18/20

Author:  *Strangedaze*
Title:  Strange Boys:  A Cautionary Tale
Ahhhh yes.... a young writer in his element...  This story reeks of your style.  The imagery was, as usual, excellent.  It was also well written and easy to read.  The characters were unpalatably callous toward the poor inside out boy and the ending was delightfully weird.  But that moral?  wtf?  okaaaaaay.
Score:  19/20

Author:  *valeca*
Title:  Leap
ugh, my fingers are tired... 
Score:  most definitely off the charts

Author  *Ilan Bouchard*
Title:  The Man and the Man
The title suggested the story would be hotter... and, have you been speaking to one of my ex boyfriends for character inspiration?  good god, either character...  :roll: 
Score:  score!

Author:  *Philo*
Title:  The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish
Well written and funny.  The characters were excellently developed and the dialogue was both believeable and smooth. Watching the characters interact with each other was also amusing and originally written.   I enjoyed the progression of the story and though the end was very amusing.  The moral fit nicely.
Score:  19/20

Author:  *Gigi*
Title:  The Jukebox
I am utterly surprised that you decided to contribute this time around, Gigi, both because you don't like to write short story usually, and well... because your so damned _cool._ :wink: After reading this, I don't know why you have put off writing short story so long, because it was very good.  The dialogue was excellently written, the characters nicely developed, the story progressed logically and smoothly.  It tended to be a bit "stiff" here and there, but I think that would be easily overcome if you were to write more short story in the future.  Overall, this having been I think, the second thing even _close_ to a short story that I have read by you it was very good.  The moral is one, however, that I am unfamiliar with, but really, that's typical of you.  (Oh, and of course, the grammar was flawless  :roll: )
Score:  17/20

Phew!  Overall, I was incrediblly impressed with the contributions everyone made.  Although it was a lot of work to be done, scoring these, the quality of the stories made it a pleasure.

Ms. Vodka


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## gohn67 (Jul 10, 2005)

Author: *Crazy_dude662*
Title:The Werewolf
The first thing I noticed was the amount of grammar mistakes, which made it difficult to follow the story.  It was mainly the dialogue which was missing punctuation and the way it was set up made it confusing who was talking.  The moral worked and you told it in a interesting way.
Score: 10/20  

Author: *Burnz*
Title:The Loyal Worker
I really like the foreshadow in the beginning with the car and the parking lot and how it comes back in the end.  I also thought that the moral was creative and nicely done.  I also like the contrast of Margaret and Sandra, how one is not as pretty and cheerful as the other.  There were a few grammar errors and one part when you went out of POV.
Score:16/20   

Author: *Kelhanion*
Title:Diamonds in the Sky
I liked the unpredictability of the moral.  I totally couldn’t guess what was going to happen or what the moral was, until the end.  It had nice little twists.  I think that this story could have flowed better though.  The sentence structure was too predictable after a while and kind of clunky.
Score:13/20   

Author: *Bobothegoat*
Title:On the other Side
I love the twist here on a fairly common proverb or whatever it’s called.  At first I thought this was going to be fairly ordinary until that goat came down.  I also liked the subtle humor here.  But there was one part where you started a sentence with “but” three times in a row though. 
Score:18/20   

Author: *Farror*
Title:Keep Digging 
 I’m not really sure what the moral was, and the moral you gave didn’t make much sense.  But I think that was a typo.  “way” = “weigh”?  There were a few things grammatically and spelling wise.  The one that stood out the most was the second sentence.  I was interested in your choice of narrative style, which sounded as if the narrator was actually there witnessing the events as it unfolded.  But you don’t give a hint to who that was.  The ghost of Mr.Sanders maybe?
Score: 11/20 


Author: *Lonewolf*
Title:The Squirrel’s Folly 
I was kind of hoping that Chipmunk would let Squirrel freeze to death.  Funny thing is I read it a week ago, and thought the same thing as I read it a second time.  Anyways I am glad that you chose this route instead of have having Squirrel freeze.  And that’s one of the main reasons I like this story.  The compassion of Chipmunk to take Squirrel back. Score:17/20   

Author: *Besh*
Title:The Ant and the Dog
Very concise piece, you do just enough to get the point through.  No fluff.  I think the moral is too narrow for me, and that was my main gripe about it.  Maybe it does have a other more universal or broad meanings, but I’m going by your moral at the end.  Not that it’s not true because it is.  Especially if you’re an ant.
Score:13/20  

Author: *Falco*
Title:A Tall Tolkien Tale
I like the play on words and the use of a quote from Tolkien.  I think it’s a quote from Tolkien at least.  That was clever.  The humor didn’t work for me though.  And also I have no clue what happened at the end.
Score:13/20  

Author: *Hodge*
Title:500 yard Dash
On my first read a week ago, I didn’t think much of this piece.  The writing is kind of weak; I’ve seen better from you, which was why I was kind of disappointed.  Example “William was an Engine.”  On my second read, I noticed some of the intricacies of this piece.  I like the part about the medals given out.  Since everyone receives a medal that sort of depreciates winning.  Also the fact that the trophy is piece of crap, makes it even less valuable to the winner.  I also liked the last line, as it makes me think.
Score:14/20  

Author: *Eggo*
Title:Three Little Rats
I liked this piece.  You forgot to end the italics though for the last line and that confused me.  In a way I think the moral works, but in some ways I’m not too sure about it.  Is the kid really going to be afraid of a rat in a sock.?  But then I think I would shit my pants thinking my grandpa might sever my head with a shovel though.  But I’m not sure which you meant.  I’m leaning more towards my first impression though.
Score:17/20  

Author: *Strangedaze*
Title:Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale
Like always the writing is awesome.  I like the imagery a lot, even though you recycled some of your imagery.  Like the coat hanger thing, it didn’t come out quite as fresh as the first time I read that description.  The story is good, but the moral doesn’t work too well for me, which is it’s biggest downfall, I feel that that is an important part of a fable.
Score:17/20 

Author: *Valeca*
Title:Leap 
I enjoyed this, I liked the play on words for the moral also.  
Score: N/A

Author: *Ilan Bouchard*
Title:The Man and the Man
 I wasn’t sure if you wanted this scored and critiqued or not.  You could have been a bit clearer. :lol:  I like the moral of the story; I was half expecting it to be the opposite, which I would have vomited,  Like this ukel:.  I like the barebones straight to the point approach here, but maybe too bare.  For some reason I really concentrated on the names of your characters since I know you like to choose names with a meaning.  I kept trying to connect them with the characters.  But I don’t there was a meaning this time.
Score: 16/20 

Author: *Philo *
Title: The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish
I really liked this piece, very clever and funny.  At first it seemed somewhat predictable, but it was done in a unique way.  I also liked the moral of the story, it has a universal meaning to it.
Score:17/20 

Author: *Gigi *
Title:The JukeBox
I liked the writing style and the dialogue a lot.  Especially the dialogue.  I really liked the opening paragraph.  I also like the title and found it fitting.   It is very nicely laid out structurally.  I understood the moral, but I think it needed to be a bit more broad.
Score:18/20


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## valeca (Jul 10, 2005)

[an:210d6f2db9]Take all scoring for what it's worth - one person's opinion, nothing more.  Great work everyone.[/an:210d6f2db9]



Title:  *The werewolf*
Author: Crazy_Dude6662
I found it was a little hard to follow the dialogue while reading this piece, and it felt a bit rushed.  I feel like this is a smaller section of something larger.  Maybe you could expand it out to a full scene and see how it works.  If you’re already working on it, keep going.
_Score_:  11/20

Title: *The Loyal Worker*
Author: Burnz
Good lesson.  Well written over all.  Consider using italics for thoughts.  I like the dark it of humour in here…it blended nicely with the overall feel.
_Score_:17/20

Title: *Diamonds in the sky*
Author: Kelhanion
Unique futuristic twist to this fable.  There were a few bumpy spots with regards to conflicting descriptions, but not bad overall.  The mixed moral at the end has me a little confused, so I’ll go with the ‘weakest link’ one.
_Score_: 14/20

Title: *On the Other Side*
Author: bobothegoat
Cute.  Very cute.  The _Family Guy_ taste of dialogue had me smiling.  I don’t know if that’s the style you were going for, but it’s what I heard.  Maybe because it’s on tv atm.  Anywho, nicely done, sound writing.  Good work.
_Score_: 18/20

Title: *Keep Digging*
Author: Farror
I liked the nickname Mad Jimmy for Madison James, but part way through you started calling him James Madison.  Tense jumping and spelling were a problem.  All told, I liked the prospector idea.  Morbid, but I wanted to find out what was under the dusty blanket.
_Score_:  11/20

Title: *The Squirrel’s Folly*
Author: Lonewolf
Charming.  I enjoyed the traditional fable you brought here.  Well written with a smooth flow.  At first I had to concentrate on which character was which, being so closely related, but after a bit it was clear.  I don’t know if it was intentional, but depending on how you read it, there seemed to be two prominent morals to this - something about forgiveness and the follies of stealing.  Nicely done.
_Score_: 18/20

Title: *Cutco Knives Are Sharp*
Author: Gohn67
Gohn!  Definitely not a children’s fable! Heh.  I would have given you points for originality on this one if it was up for judging.  I can honestly I never saw this one coming.  A little rough on the descriptions of the clubhouse..scattered.  The beginning confused me, but you ended on a strong note.  I liked both morals lol.  And ewwww for the shriveled purple peni!
_Score_: Meet me out back with the goods and I’ll tell you.  P.S. Leave the knife at home.

Title: *The Ant and the Dog*
Author: Besh
Simple and straight to the point.  The judges will love you for that.  I liked this one.  Solid.
_Score_: 16/20

Title: *A Tall Tolkien Tale*
Author: Falco
The double entendre of the moral gave me a smile.  The writing was sound, descriptive and fairly easy to follow.  The Tolkienesque names were a bit much, but that’s a personal taste and I can’t penalize you for that.  Nicely done.
_Score_: 17/20

Title: *500 Yard Dash*
Author: Hodge
Flawless writing here; articulated well.  A good story and a nice finish.  I had to read the last line twice for it to fully sink in, but when it did, I was impressed.  
_Score_: 18/20

Title: *Three Little Rats*
Author: Eggo
I was glad to see you were in this LM challenge too, having enjoyed your last entry so much.  This one was a groaner as well…in a good way.  You set us up nicely and then sneaked up and pants’d us nicely.  Well done.  This sounds like something my Grandfather would do.
_Score_: 17/20

Title: *Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale*
Author: Strangedaze
First, let me say, “Ewwww!”
Second, I’m unclear as to the moral.  Maybe I missed something.
Third, “Ewwwww!”
Fourth, well written though.  A good read.  Nice description on the pecking of the boys’ organs.
_Score_: 16/20

Title: *The Man and the Man*
Author: Ilan Bouchard
Interesting and strangely capitalistic.  I like that you took a typical moral and turned it inside out (I think I’m stuck on strangedazes’ contribution).  I also enjoyed the use of historical names.
_Score_:  Write me a sonnet and I’ll tell you.

Title: *The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish*
Author: Philo
Cute story, a little hard to keep the characters straight at times…what with all the tentacles jiggling about, but amusing to read, nonetheless.  I definitely liked your idea of using sea creatures.  Great moral.
_Score_: 16/20

Title: *The Jukebox*
Author: Gigi
This has a definite feel to it.  Actually, several.  I saw an old fan turning slowly in the heat, at times a 50’s style diner set up, other times something darker.  It felt like a scene from a movie.  I’m not sure if the moral is a saying I’ve never heard, or something you made to go with the story, but I liked it.  This too felt like a part of something larger.
_Score_: 17/20


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## Selorian (Jul 11, 2005)

[an:4ba614afcf]First, let me say all the entries were fun to read. Everyone has done a great job, no matter who is chosen as the winner here. Am honored to have gotten to judge these entries.[/an:4ba614afcf]


Author: *Crazy_dude6662 *
Title: The werewolf
I really liked the originality of this piece and there was plenty of possibilities for this to be really good. What weakened it the most for me was the dialogue. It was rather bland and unrealistic. Dialogue can make or break a piece of writing and here it definitely hurt it. Also, there were many places where the grammar was very weak, with frequently forgotten words and punctuation. Still an enjoyable read, but with a little work to detail, it could have been really good.
Score: 12/20 

Author: *Burnz* 
Title: The Loyal Worker 
Really well written and good concept. I can actually see more than the one moral in it. Easy to read and having a good pace, I found it to be a ver good effort. Good job.
Score: 16/20 

Author: *Kelhanion* 
Title: Diamonds in the sky 
I liked the idea behind this. Very unique. It overall felt like it could have benefitted from some variation in the sentence structures.The use of two morals was pulled off seamlessly though. Good job.
Score: 15/20 

Author: *bobothegoat* 
Title: On the Other Side 
I really enjoyed this. The way that you twisted the moral around opposite of the traditional way to get the same point across was nice. Good writing and nice flow.
Score: 17/10 

Author: *Farror* 
Title: Keep Digging 
This was a good idea, sometimes coming close to its potential, but often falling short. It looks like you may have rushed and failed to take the time to proof it for simple mistakes. My only other nitpic is the moral. It seems to be more a lesson than a moral, but there were many fables that did this also.
Score: 13/20 

Author: *Lonewolf* 
Title: The Squirrel’s Folly 
This is probably one of the closest to what a traditional fable should be. The moral was one you did an excellent job of moving the story straight toward. The writing was well done and the voices of the characters was captured close to perfect.
Score: 18/20 

Author: *gohn67* 
Title: Cutco Knives Are Sharp 
Definitely different. I would hope people wouldn't be so easy to be talked into following in doing something so utterly stupid.
Score: NA 

Author: *Besh* 
Title: The Ant and the Dog 
Heh, I really liked this one. Very well written and a dark humor to it, that even though I guessed what was coming, I still enjoyed it as I read. Good job.
Score: 17/20 

Author: *falco* 
Title: A Tall Tolkien Tale 
The one thing I found rather troublesome here was the fact this was far from an original concept, although it did have some originality to it. It was well written and I liked the fact it was a fantsy type moral put into the story. I think it could have been a lot better of would have taken the time to pick out some more original names.
Score: 13/20 

Author: *Hodge *
Title: 500 Yard Dash 
Solid writing did a great deal for this. The depth and detail was done in a way that it was subtle, but sometimes to much so. Sport events are a good area for such morals to be expressed, although a tad bit cliche. The moral though is one I would hate to see passed on to people (that is if I interpreted it right). A person has to risk losing to achieve winning, so nothing risked, nothing wonderful ever gained.
Score: 16/20 

Author: *eggo* 
Title: Three Little Rats 
Heh, I loved the spin that was put on this.As with a lot of the entries, it seems more a lesson learned tham a true moral at the end. It well was written and enjoyable though, with just a few grammar mistakes here and there.
Score: 15/20 

Author: *strangedaze* 
Title: Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale 
Wow, what a somewhat disturbing talent for someone to have. Grammatically, there was little I could find wrong with this piece. The only thing I did find wrong was that it really seemed to have no moral to it. I would guess the last line should be it, but if so, I can't follow it still yet.
Score: 14/20 

Author: *valeca* 
Title: Leap 
Very well done and a unique take on the moral. This final version has all the good parts of the versions I seen while you were working on this. Good job.
Score: NA 

Author: *Ilan Bouchard *
Title: The Man And The Man 
Hmm, this is something that sometimes may be true, but you have to wonder at the type of happiness it is. There are varying levels, and money may help acheive some true ones, it itself is seldom a source of true happiness.
Score: NA

Author: *Philo* 
Title: The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish 
I loved the ending to this one. You did a very good job with the writing and the grammer. The dialogue read well too, lending a realsitic feel to the characters.
Score: 18/20 

Author: *Gigi* 
Title: The Jukebox 
Ah, great job gigi. Strong voice throughout and well written. The characters were very believable and did their part in the story perfectly. Nice use of dialogue too. And the end was great, exactly what he deserved.
Score: 19/20


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## daniela (Jul 11, 2005)

Title: *The werewolf*
Author: Crazy_dude6662

Not bad.  The story was interesting enough but your dialogue formatting errors threw me off.  I have seen some authors do it that way but in totally different situations where it actually made sense to.  Nice effort, though.

Score: *11/20*


Title:*The Loyal Worker*
Author: Burnz

This is clichéd as hell but I still liked it.  However, the narration seemed flat to me.  I think perhaps this fable could have used another hundred words or so (a stupid statement to make, I know - especially since I can’t really explain it any further).  You did do well with what you had to work and I look forward to reading other stories of yours.

Score: *14/20*


Title: *Diamonds in the sky*
Author: Kelhanion

As with Hand's haiku in the last competition, this is an entry I would have loved to illustrate (if I hadn't temporarily discontinued developing my meager skills).  To me this fable's strength is its imagery.  The phrasing, though, could have used some more work.  I got a glimpse of an interesting and funny voice but you weren't consistent enough. That hurt your score.

Score: *15/20*


Title:*On the Other Side*
Author: bobothegoat

Nice one, bobo.  Very humorous and twisty, which is how I like it.  One of these days I'd like to read a novel (with illustrations, of course) about funny little goats.  Will you be the one to do it?

Score: *16/20*


Title: *Keep Digging*
Author: Farror

Consistency was a problem in your fable as well.  You have a good enough plot but the voice... the narrator that was telling the story... kinda jumped back and forth.  In addition there was some tense, spelling, and grammar issues.  Not a bad effort though.  The imagery was good and you came up with your own moral, which fit very well with the story.

Score: *13/20*


Title: *The Squirrel's Folly*
Author: LoneWolf

This sounds kind of silly but your paragraphing was off.  However, I won't be basing your score too heavily on that.  On all other counts your entry was very good.  A more traditional-style fable was an excellent choice for you. Narration seems to be one of your strengths.

Score: *17/20*


Title: *Cutco Knives Are Sharp*
Author: gohn67

Ewww...  The more I read of your work the more I wonder about you, Gohn.  

I think the plot needed a little more space to be fully developed.  It seems to be cut short like the poor young man's member.  Otherwise, this fable was excellent.  You've come a long way in developing your own writing style.  Keep it up!

Score: *16/20* (The fact that it would be unseemly for a judge to win this competition had no bearing on your score but it will affect the average later. :wink


Title: *The Ant and the Dog*
Author: Besh

First, kudos for telling a good, complete story in less than a hundred and fifty words. I am a little miffed at the errors since this is so short; however, I'm doing my best not to be a grammar Nazi today.  I do find myself wishing you had played with the language a bit but I'm just being greedy.  The fable you wrote is pretty much okay as it is.  

Just out of curiosity was this a team effort or did only one of you guys write your entry? 

Score: *15/20*


Title: *A Tall Tolkien Tale*
Author: falco

Excellent write, Falco.  I'm not sure exactly what to call it.  Parody perhaps? Whatever it is, I like it.

Score: *18/20*


Title: *500 Yard Dash*
Author: Hodge

Nice technique but a disappointing finish.  I found the moral to be a bit confusing and possibly something that I don't agree with.   Overall, you did do a good job.  It was almost flawless on the more technical aspects.

Score: *17/20*


Title: *Three Little Rats*
Author: eggo

There was a grammatical error or two but nothing that would affect your score much.  The line beginning "With that Gramps" could have been more effective if you didn't put it in italics with the rest of the story.  That was a great build up though.  And you created some awesome imagery. 

To end this rambling review I would just like to say I want that dude in your story to be my grandfather.  Not that my own aren't excellent; I just think Gramps would be a really cool guy to have around.

Score: *16/20*


Title: *Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale*
Author: strangedaze

Dude, you're sick.  Your fable was very entertaining but I wish I hadn't been eating leftover Chinese when I read it.  

I heard somewhere that you are in your early twenties.  If so, I'm really jealous because that unique style of yours really shines through in this piece.  I'm years away from being able to do anything like that.

Score: *19/20*


Title: *Leap*
Author: valeca

I'm a big fan of your writing and "Leap" was one of the few entries that I read as soon as it got posted.  I was not disappointed.  The "Halt" in the next to last paragraph sounded kind of odd to me but who cares?  It's just one minor thing in and otherwise great piece.

Score: 'Spose I'll have to respect your wishes, Ms. Valeca, and keep the score I would have given you to myself.


Title: *The Man And The Man*
Author: Ilan Bouchard

Can't write a fable my arse.  There are so many things going on here: the names, the occupations, the ending...  You're very clever Ilan.  Have a little more faith in yourself next time.

Score: Show me a little green first!


Title: *The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish*
Author: Philo

I love that moral!  You did a very good job here, Philo.  I don't know what to comment on; your distinctive style, the cheeky humor, the strong images and characters - it's all great.  Ever try your hand at writing picture books?

Score: *19/20*


Title:  *The Jukebox*
Author: Gigi

Wonderful!  I don't think I've ever read a short story by you anywhere on the forums or Lit. It's really great to see you branch out from poetry.  The dialogue is excellent and your pacing was perfect.  Well done.

Score: *18/20*


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## Aevin (Jul 11, 2005)

[an:3ef0786379]If you have any questions on my scoring, or want me to elaborate on anything I've said, feel free to PM me.

--Aevin[/an:3ef0786379]

Title: *The Werewolf*
Crazy dude6662

Your use of constant dialog might have been an interesting stylistic choice, except that it becomes redundant and is not very consistent.  There were frequent punctuation/grammar errors, and the story itself wasn't very cohesive. I feel that given the length of the piece you could have done a more thorough editting job.

Score: *9/20*


Title: *The Loyal Worker*
Author:  Burnz

I liked this one.  A well-written, nicely-executed modern fable.  There were just a few simple punctuation errors, most having to do with the placement of your commas.  Also, the "surprise ending" of Margaret going berserk and running over the guy with her car didn't seem very believable to me.  It seems out of character for the loyal employee to turn so abruptly into the murderous psycho.  You also went slightly over the word limit.

Score: *15/20*


Title: *Diamonds in the Sky*
Author:  Kelhanion

Good job on creating an entirely original fable with a unique and interesting tone!  There were a few simple punctuation errors, but for the most part I really enjoyed this.  The double moral in the end sort of went over my head--you might have simplified it, gone with just one moral, and cut some length in the process.

Score: *15/20*


Title:  *The Other Side*
Author: bobothegoat

As far as nailing the traditional fable tone, this does pretty well.  You also made great use of space.  A couple of problems ...  First of all, there was an awkward transition when you switch from the background information to the actual in-scene events.  Also, while your fable clearly supports your moral, I'm not sure exactly why the moral is important.  Technically good, but not one of my favorites.

Score:  *14/20*


Title:  *Keep Digging*
Author: Farror

What I liked about this was the sense of playfulness with the English language.   "Prospectoring?"  Good stuff.  However, there were numerous punctuation errors, and the story itself felt a little long and confused.  The moral was a little jumbled, and spelling mistakes within it made it unclear what you were saying.

Score:  *9/20*


Title:  *The Squirrel's Folly*
Author:  LoneWolf

Excellent job, LoneWolf.  This one screamed "fable" from beginning to end, while still having plenty of originality and invention to make it a delight to read.  You have excellent writing skills, and use your limited space to say a lot about the characters.  The only real problem is with the length.  

Score:  *18/20*


Title:  *Cutco Knives are Sharp*
Author:  gohn67

Well, you've got some good things going with the way you establish a scene quickly and effectively, with very few words.  Unfortunately, I thought the story and the moral were too needlessly vulgur for me to enjoy.  And, um, well ....   That's all I have to say about that!

Score:  *N/A*


Title:  *The Ant and the Dog*
Author:  Besh

Pretty good, Besh.  As a "classic fable," it works pretty well.  There were a few punctuation errors--mostly simple and obvious things such as missing apostrophes.  Tone was good, and the piece read very smoothly.  However, I thought it was a little too simple, and its moral a little too obvious.

Score:  *12/20*


Title:  *A Tall Tolkein Tale*
Author:  falco

I didn't quite appreciate your humor.  Because of its obvious homage to Tolkein, this didn't come across as very original, and the goofy (and for me, irritating) variations on the names couldn't mask the fact that this is fan-fiction.  I enjoyed the moral and the pun involved--though I wish you hadn't pointed it out quite so "boldly"--but I think a completely original tale with your own characters would have been a better choice.

Score:  *8/20*


Title: *500 Yard Dash*
Author: Hodge

The five-hundred yard dash became a five-hundred word dash!  Not a bad story.  It reminded me of The Tortoise and the Hare.  Good job on staying within the word count.  My only real problem was with the moral--it was a little unclear how the story supported it.  It might have been more effective if you'd done a better job showing the character's feelings at the loss.

Score:  *14/20*


Title:  *Three Little Rats*
Author:  eggo

Last time, you wrote my favorite haiku, and this time you've written my favorite fable of the bunch.  Maybe it's just because I'm sadistic.  This doesn't read like a fable, so much as a parody of one, and in that respect it is awesome.  I loved the way you made the reader look one way--to thinking the grandfather was a wise man imparting a life lesson--and slowly tore that view apart as your revealed what a twisted, sadistic old bastard he really was.    The only things I deducted points for were a few minor punctuation errors.

Score:  *19/20*


Title:  *Strange Boys:  A Cautionary Tale*
Author:  strangedaze

Unsettling and kind of disgusting, this tale didn't really do much for me.  However, I must admit it's fairly well-written.  The moral was more of a punchline than a lesson, and the story itself was full of things that just didn't make sense.  I know you were going for humor, but for whatever reason it wasn't very effective for me.

Score:  *14/20*


Title:  *Leap*
Author: valeca

While the fable is well-written and gives an obvious moral, I didn't find it very original.  While you phrase it differently, the moral of the story is essentially, "Look before you leap," a saying so common it has become trite.  Personally, I would have liked to see your obvious skill put to work on a more original and creative piece of work.  Sorry for the bad reveiw ....

Score:  *N/A*


Title:  *The Man and the Man*
Author:  Ilan Bouchard

Part of me feels like you're just having too much fun here.  The names Caesar and Brutus alert the reader of an impending betrayal--one which never happens.  It's like you've made a joke out of the expectations placed on the names.  The second paragraph needs work--there's way too much dialog before the speaker is identified.  Breaking it up in the middle would make it flow more naturally.  I loved the title and the moral.

Score:  *N/A*


Title:  *The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish*
Author:  Philo

This was a well-constructed fable.  I liked the idea of the two fish competing with each other for the love of the Squid.  The incident with the bottle was excellent--it reminds me of the story of the stork and the fox, if you're familiar with that one.  However, it seems like there was a lot of unnecessary information--such as the Octopus bringing up hunting ability--that could have been implied through the rest of the story.  The root of the tale was the incident with the bottle, and the story feels too long for what it is.  Still, a pretty good job.

Score:  *15/20*


Title:  *The Jukebox*
Author:  Gigi

This is under the word count, but that doesn't mean much because it FEELS too long.  Originality in tone was encouraged, but this one seems to take it too far.  This doesn't read like a fable, so much as  a short story with a moral.  Also, I encountered problems trying to keep the characters straight, in part because you seeem to jump between the perspectives of the two men.  A more thorough editting job could have made this much easier to read.

Score:  *11/20*


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## pgoroncy (Jul 11, 2005)

[an:9e77e92ecb]Thanks to everyone who submitted. I enjoyed being a part of this round.[/an:9e77e92ecb]

Author: *Crazy_dude6662*
Title: The Werewolf

You told a story that was very interesting and it had a very classic moral. Unfortunately, the structure and the grammer errors made it difficult to read. 

Score: *12/20*


Author: *Burnz*
Title: The Loyal Worker

I enjoyed this story. It was well written and it flowed well. The ending was a bit too predictable for me though. 

Score: *15/20*


Author: *Kelhanion*
Title: Diamonds in the sky

I liked the incorporation of two morals into the story. This is certainly a unique take on them. 

Score: *16/20*


Author: *bobothegoat*
Title: On the Other Side

I thought this was a very funny take on a traditional moral. It was very well written and everything fell into place nicely. Good job.

Score: *18/20*


Author: *Farror*
Title: Keep Digging

I found this story to be a bit confusing. For example, how would he have a story he could tell if he was dead? Even with the confusion I found this to be a pleasurable read. 

Score: *16/20*


Author: *LoneWolf*
Title: The Squirrel's Folly

I really enjoyed this story. The style seemed to work well and the morals in the story come through nicely. 

Score: *18/20*


Author: *gohn67*
Title: Cutco Knives Are Sharp

This was a very odd tale. It was very well written. I must say though that while I kind of expectedthe ending I was also thinking it might end a little differently. 

Score: Put down the knife first.


Author: *Besh*
Title: The Ant and the Dog

A very obvious moral. Overall a well written piece. Short and to the point. 

Score: *16/20*


Author: *falco*
Title: A Tall Tolkien Tale

I wasn't really able to get in to this one. It did seem to be well written and was definitely a unique take on the topic. 

Score: *10/20*


Author: *Hodge*
Title: 500 Yard Dash

This was a very entertaining story. It was well written and was a very enjoyable read. The moral seemed a little out of place with the rest of the story though. 

Score: *16/20*


Author: *eggo*
Title: Three Little Rats

This tale was very entertaining. I enjoyed very much the descriptions of how each of the mice died. Good work. 

Score: *19/20*


Author: *strangedaze*
Title: Strange Boys: A Cautionary Tale

An odd story to be sure, but in a most delightful way. The moral seemed to fit pretty perfectly with the story. 

Score: *18/20*


Author: *valeca*
Title: Leap

Nice job. I like your interpretation of this moral. 

Score: *N/A*


Author: *Ilan Bouchard*
Title: The Man And The Man

I liked the approach you took with this moral. The story was short and to the point. 

Score: I wasn't sure if you wanted it scored or not.  :wink: 


Author: *Philo*
Title: The Octopus, the Squid and the Cuttlefish

This story was well written and very entertaining. The moral fit with the story. The ending was a bit predictable, but not overly so. 

Score: *18/20*


Author: *Gigi*
Title: The Jukebox

I liked your writing style. You did a nice job with the story's dialogue in particular. I like the moral of your story. Very nicely done.

Score: *18/20*


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## strangedaze (Jul 11, 2005)

Thanks to all the judges! Unlike the haiku thingy, this took more than a quick glance to go through and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I says, well done.


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## falco (Jul 11, 2005)

oh boy
19 and 8
now that's what I call a nice range!

thanks so much, judges, for your hard work!    

(daniela got it right: parody was what I was going for, not fanfiction - I hate that stuff - and it was just supposed to be absolutely silly)


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## eggo (Jul 11, 2005)

Wow!

Third place. Against some of the quality stories here, I am honored.

I am taking my kids up to see my Dad next week and some of that bleed through. 



> It is not necessary to imitate Aesop in this competition. A more modern or “out there” interpretation of the form is most certainly welcome and is in fact encouraged. We’re hoping for some truly unique entries.



Some of these stories did take this suggestion and stretched the moralistic fable far beyond the normal realms. 

Thanks to all the judges, the time and trouble you put into the reviews was evident. I enjoyed writing my little twisted tale and look forward to the next one.

Thanks,
Pete


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## valeca (Jul 11, 2005)

First, a big congrats to all the top fivers!   =D> Well earned!

And to my fellow judges - What can I say?  You guys rock!


*Ilan* - Where's my sonnet, hmm?  Heh, thanks for the lovely comments.

*ms. v* - Rest your fingers, doll!  You've earned it.

*Gohn* - I'm glad you enjoyed, you twisted puppy, you!

*Selorian* - It's a family board, I'll thank You later.

*Daniela* - I'm flattered beyond words!  Wow, thank you!...wow...

*Dark Aevin* - The positive comments are nice to hear, but it's the not-so-positive ones that are my driving force.   Thanks.

*pgoroncy* - A thank you to you.


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## bobothegoat (Jul 12, 2005)

Thanks to all those that judged this piece.  I didn't get to spend as much time on this as I would have liked, so I'm glad to see that it was pretty well recieved (with the exception of Aevin.  )

No, but seriously, thanks to you all.   Even Aevin.  Really, excellent job.

[disc:a11a99cffe]Any references to specific judges were in jest.  No offence was intended.[/disc:a11a99cffe]


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## Philo (Jul 12, 2005)

Congratulations to LoneWolf, nicely done. 

My thanks to all that submitted, the range of subjects and writing styles was great fun to read.

To the reviewers: Ilan, Ms. V, gohn, valeca, selorian, daniela, Aevin, and pgoroncy, thank you for your thoughtful consideration. I'm delighted with the feedback and honored to be ranked where I am. 

Lans, thanks for the props. Consider yourself the recipient of virtual flowers, lavish in magnitude yet tasteful in arrangement.

Again, thanks to all involved. This is great fun and extremely helpful.


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## Crazy_dude6662 (Jul 12, 2005)

thank you every one who took time to judge it, sorry the grammar wasnt great.


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## Ilan Bouchard (Jul 12, 2005)

valeca said:
			
		

> And to my fellow judges - What can I say?  You guys rock!


Yes, my sentiments exactly.
If we were all seated at a long wooden table, I would have stood upon the table, proposed a toast, and launched into prosaic, drunken singing.

But somehow that seems raunchy (overly so).  Instead, I will have to restrain myself and instead announce another... announcement in reference to the good taste all the members and judges were able to have with all this.  I'll be singing quietly, though.




> *Ilan* - Where's my sonnet, hmm?  Heh, thanks for the lovely comments.



At first I took it as a joke, and this time I take it the same way, but I'm now taking it as a challenge.  I can't promise a swift completion, but I can promise I will return with it eventually.


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## LoneWolf (Jul 12, 2005)

Hello all! Wow...I was first?! YAY!!!   

This fable thing was by far the hardest thing I have ever written, so thanks to Aevin for thinking it up! lol, I'd like to thank the judges for all of their hard work. You guys are awesome! The comments were great to read; I saw a lot of things that I'm gonna work on.

I would add a little comment thing for each judge, because I really appreciate your comments, but I'm still shy/nervous and seriously don't know what to say.   I started, and then stopped, lol.

But I will say,

gohn: I was not going to let Squirrel freeze! lol...what kind of moral would that be, I wonder? 

daniela: My paragraphing was off? I shall have to ask you about that privately, because that's bothering me now! 

I'd also like to thank everyone who congratulated me and congrats to the rest of the top 5! Bring on the next one!!!  :twisted: 

LW  8)


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## Hodge (Jul 13, 2005)

Thanks to all the judges!—you affirmed what I thought. I'm not a big fan of the whole blatantly putting the point at the end of the piece, and the result was something far too subtle and open to interpretation to pass off as an actual fable... Oh well.


The judges should all get cookies.


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## Farror (Jul 13, 2005)

My thanks to all the judges for their time, and congradulations on the sucess of this session (for lack of a better word).

Unfortunate that I ended up so close to last this time around, but hey, someone had to be there! I'll just wish myself better luck for next time.


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## Ben (Jul 13, 2005)

Thanks to all the judges for taking the time to do their thang.

After I posted my fable I realised that the moral was a tad incredibly obvious, but decided to leave it. It seemed that some of you liked it and some... didn't. I wish I had checked for small errors better. I always check for small errors. Oooh well. 

Daniela, this was writting by just me. Me being Ben. 

Congratulations to all the winners.


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## Burnz (Jul 21, 2005)

Thank you Judges for your time and effort.  I hope to place in the top five next time we have a chance to cross pens.  I enjoyed reading all the entries as well.  Good Job Lonewolf!  Looking forward to seeing you all write again in the future.


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