# Literary Maneuvers Sep 2018 "The Funeral" - Scores (1 Viewer)



## bdcharles (Sep 21, 2018)

Good evening, 

Tonight finds us at the end of another round of stories. First let me thank you all for entering, thank the judges for their time and effort, and everyone who votes, suggests prompts, and keeps this comp going. You all keep me busy and nicely out of trouble 

I shan't tarry; I know you want the numbers. So here they are:


*SueC*

(1) Art in the Park
Candervalle
Prompt: The Funeral
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20
Review: Hi Candervalle. This was an unusual story about a man who began as a failure at simply everything, but ended his life extremely successful and well-known for his works of art. I saw no issues in formatting; spelling and grammar were appropriate.
I read this entry twice, to be sure I was getting all you intended. I was intrigued by your main character and initially felt compassion for someone so unsuccessful. You depict well his deplorable situation, based on the previous ten years of failure.

While Art's lack of success in everything seemed fairly well-detailed, however, his transition to a successful artist was not. It took one sentence, and there he was. Other than falling into some debauchery, there was no indication from Art on how he felt about his move to bigger and better. Was he surprised, grateful, happy, or ready to move on again? More detail on that journey would have really helped this story; helped us to know Art better.

There was no insight into his character; no way to predict that his addictive personality would truly be the death of him. I would have loved to see more in-depth info on Art as a person, not just a failure. And then there's the ending. Seriously, was he infused with paint as opposed to embalming fluid? Naked, as he was dropped from a helicopter, and his friends' only thought, "... that's Art for you" seemed a little nonchalant. But they were the only ones; your readers won't know enough about Art to say even that.

I didn't see the prompt in this piece, because most of the story was about failure Art and his rise to fame. His friends were asked to meet at Rose Square, but because your readers didn't get to know all that was in the letter from the attorney, it wasn't clear (at least to me) that it was in lieu of a funeral.

Candervalle, I really liked the ideas behind the story, and I think if you fleshed out the characters, especially Art, it would make a very worthwhile piece. It's fun to write quirky, odd stories, but the characters have to in some way gain our interest. The ending was extremely creative and shocking to say the least and that was a plus! Thanks for your entry and keep going.

(2) Final Goodbye
H. Brown
Prompt: The Funeral
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 16/20
Review: Hi Hannah. A very sweet story, one I think we all can relate to at some point in our lives. You have a young man, who is loved by both family and your MC, dying unexpectedly. The funeral is painful, but also offers an opportunity to heal. I like your MC, but don't like the fact that she feels she is not welcome at the funeral (I do understand why). She seems to accept that too willingly, but I applaud her efforts to stay in the shadows. I like this story.

The first paragraph begins in present tense, first person, but the last bit sounds like past tense.
" Slipping into the back of the church, my rainbow trainers squeak against wooden floorboards. Cringing I hide behind a stone pillar as heads turn towards me. I'm not welcome here, I know that. But I couldn't can't help myself."

Most formatting is acceptable; just a couple of incomplete sentences. Spelling and grammar are fine. I don't know what the reference to her "rubbing the sky blue cast" is all about. Did the other boy break her arm? The only other issue I saw was when the imaginary Thomas says things like, "So what crazy stunt we doing next Trouble?" There should be a coma after next. Having said that, toward the end of the story there are a few sentences that need attention. ("I'll always be right beside you stupid." and "So what now trouble?")

I really think that has good potential, Hannah. In fact, you could create a much larger project with more details for each step. Maybe you could do a little more work on getting us to see all that happened on the pier, for example. The prompt was clearly there. Thanks for your entry! Good job.

(3) Dead Man Talking
Ibb
Prompt: The Funeral
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20
Review: Hi Ibb. I really love the ideas in your story. Like the conversation with the entity at the gate, and answering questions about why he is there, there is a familiarity that I'm sure anyone can understand. Spelling and grammar looked okay. The prompt was clear.

I found some of the dialogue confusing, however. It may not even be important, because it's just part of the story you are telling, but I'll mention them anyway. The idea there is a difference between "totally dead" and "very dead" seems a little odd. Unless you're going to tell your readers what the difference is, what would it matter to a soul in front of the gates? And is there really a difference, or was he being sarcastic? Plus, the idea of having a few minutes left - like the MC, I say to do what? I think a little, tiny bit more info on that score would have been really helpful. Did he have time to go back and cancel the suicide? Decide if he believed in god? When he says "Let's go" did he mean finish up? Or go back to life?
Anyway, I loved the potential here. Please work on this some more and maybe not be so vague. I really enjoyed the agnostic part; that was spot on. Good job and thanks for the entry. Keep writing!

(4) No One's Funeral
theglasshousee
Prompt: The Funeral
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 14/20
Review: Hi theglasshouse. In your story, we see that a twenty-year-old man named Jimmy has died. His best friend is Robert and among the other guests at Jimmy's funeral are his mother and grandmother. You depict the scene at the funeral well. The cause of Jimmy's death is a little unclear; either in a car accident, at the hand of another, or of an incurable illness.

The second paragraph introduces some thoughts of Robert, and after reading it several times, I cannot determine if the body in the casket is really Robert being a shape-shifter, and looking like Jimmy, or if Jimmy was the shape-shifter and he is really dead. Or, the body is the one that was made by Robert (with a 3-d printer) to look like Jimmy, so his enemies would only think he was dead. It's just not clear which one is right.

This piece seems like it could be part of a larger project, theglasshouse. There are confusing bits and pieces all through it, that make it difficult to follow the story line. I think if you worked on this and provided some clarity at each step, and rationale as to why some things have happened, it would work a little bit better. For example, Holm (Jimmy's cousin) states that he died from an "deadly illness," while Cornelius swears revenge on those who killed him. Do you see what I mean?

There are also some formatting issues; some incomplete sentences ("He planned to be Jimmy if he was discovered alive. On the day of his funeral.") Thank you for your entry, theglasshouse. Keep writing!

================================

*velo*

Candervalle
"Art in the Park"
SPaG: 4
TaV: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 10

Unfortunately, this piece didn't resonate with me. I felt it was mostly explanatory vs telling a story. I never really connected with anything in it. The punny finish was mildly amusing but without early investment it elicited more eye-roll than laughter.

The prose could have been tightened up a fair bit. Example- "This led to many great beginnings and disappointing ends" could have been cut entirely with no detriment.

"He and that bar shared a kinship of sorts. They were always on the verge of collapsing." I very much enjoyed the collapsing comparison though I would have preferred a semicolon after 'sorts' vs a full stop. Also, I wonder if a lot of the historical information could have been cut in favour of something that connected us with the main character?

The piece clearly knew where it was going but I feel like it's not sure where it's coming from. The final scene could be really hilarious with the proper emotional set up.

----


H. Brown
"Final Goodbye"
SPaG: 3
TaV: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 13


Some grammar bits stood out like not using commas around names, even though they are mostly nicknames or non-proper names. "But I don't regret a single second I realise, " was pretty awkward to read. A comma after 'second' would have helped or dropping 'I realise' altogether.

Voice was very consistent overall. This was a good effort.

----


Ibb
"Dead Man Talking"
SPaG: 4
TaV: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14


I got 654 words checking in MSWord. I'm guessing "Iunno" and "auight" were phonetic spellings but I'm especially not getting the latter.

Some funny lines and an interesting take on the bureaucracy of the afterlife. The dialogue felt frantic and confused which echoed DeadMan's state of mind. I liked this, it left me wanting to know more.

----


Theglasshouse
"No One's Funeral"
SPaG: 3
TaV: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 8


I had to read this twice and I still didn't fully follow. A couple sentences were quite confusing such as this fragment- "The death had confirmed something, that legendary rumors of Jimmy's enemies gloating." I noted a couple other fragments, as well.

In the third paragraph I am not sure who you are referring to with the many 'he's. Generally a pronoun refers to the last person mentioned, which in this case is Jimmy. Yet by the end of the paragraph it seems as if you're referring to Robert.







=======================================

*NotMe*

Hopefully I formatted and completed this correctly. First time judging. Thanks for letting me be a part of it!

---
[*]Candervalle
“Art in the Park"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 14

Review

This feels like you're trying to put too much story into too little words. You could do without his back story of failure - it doesn't do much to elevate his success, because we don't know much about his success, only that it came quickly and (to him) undeservedly.

"Then one day..." I would avoid this phrase at all costs. It reads sophomoric.

I didn't feel much until the end. But that ending - great. I wish the whole story were the moments leading up to that, exploring that big gesture.

Thank you for contributing.


[*]H.Brown
“Final Goodbye"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 11

Review

Some grammar issues throughout, mostly missing or misplaced commas. The hospital scene should have been in past-perfect tense, and it's a little jarring as written. Had to go back and reread.

The whole thing is a little too on-the-nose for my tastes. The flow and structure are good, it builds to the resolution, but it didn't make me feel anything.

Thank you for contributing.



[*]Ibb
“Dead Man Talking"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

Review

This was cool. Really, really cool. You created a complete story in 650 words. Nice job.

You had some really interesting lines: "Having previously rubbed his forehead, DeadMan consulted his inner thesaurus, and this time kneaded his brows." Very clever, borderline trippy.

The one about the game show host. Great sentence. Others here and there.

My only problem is the tone. The sardonic humor is great, but it can be taken too far, making the writing seem immature. That happens throughout ie "DeadMan" and too much shouted dialogue, a lot of the dialogue in fact. Those elements work because of the tone of the whole piece - they fit - but I would suggest some restraint from overusing them.

Thank you for contributing.


[*]Theglasshouse
“No One's Funeral"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 2
Overall: 8

Review

Plenty of grammar stuff - periods that should be commas, missing commas. Overall sentence structure is lacking.

I'll be honest - I have no idea what is happening in this story or what it's about. I could be dense, but I've read it twice and I'm just not getting it. Characters are introduced abruptly. We have shape shifters, technology, old grudges, and a death, but I'm not sure how they all tie together.

Thank you for contributing



Here's your leaderboard:




SueC
velo
NotMe
total
Caldervalle "Art in the Park"
15
10
14
13
H.Brown "Final Goodbye"
16
13
11
13.3
Ibb "Dead Man Talking"
17
14
16
15.6
theglasshouse "No One's Funeral"
14
8
8
10





So I will announce that the winner for September is 

*"Dead Man Talking" by Ibb*​
In second, we have
*H.Brown with "Final Goodbye"*​
and for the bronze, it's
*Candervalle with "Art In The Park"*​

Great stuff, all - finalists, entrants and judges. Keep writing, keep submitting, keep imagining and dreaming. Oh, and keep suggesting prompts over on the other thread. Byeeeee!


----------



## Ibb (Sep 23, 2018)

Thank you to the judges for the informative feedback and to bdcharles for hosting/doing all this. I really appreciate it. Great job to everybody... Strange to see such a small entry pool. Hopefully there are more next round. Until then!


----------



## Candervalle (Sep 23, 2018)

Congratulations to Ibb! And thanks to the judges and for their hard work.


----------



## SueC (Sep 24, 2018)

Congrats, Ibb - good job you!


----------

