# whats wrong with me?



## Mistique (Mar 12, 2016)

I dont know whats going on with me anymore. I dont recognize myself this way. I sleep all the time and yet I cant seem to shake the faitigue. I am the upbeat happy girl, but its gone. I cant find it any more, no matter what I do. The happy girl is just gone. There is this constant deep sadness that stays with me no matter what I do. It weighs me down like a heavy blanket and I cant push it off. Life is zo beautiful, I know it is, I have told People so milions of times, but I cant see it any more. I can see my beautiful man surrounding me with love, worrying as he looks into my eyes, but I cant feel it. If only I could feel it again, but its out of my reach. The doctor says Im depressed. I guess that is what I am, but I cant seem to shake it and instead it just gets worse and worse. Im sinking and I dont know how to stop it.


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## escorial (Mar 12, 2016)

when the downward spiral comes crashing into your life it's unstopable..you have to reach the end and hit rock bottom before you can find your way back..up and down you go..think you've cracked it then wham..it all starts again....i'm afraid it's a one way ticket only you can leave and arrive without a timetable..you are unique and your journey is unique to you and if i can offer one piece of advice it would be..the answer is in you..somewhere deep within you..only you can heal you.....


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## Mistique (Mar 12, 2016)

I know you are right. I have always healed myself, but I dont know how any more. Therapy starts in two weeks though and I intend to work hard so hopefully that will help.


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## escorial (Mar 12, 2016)

your changing inside....you may never be the same person again....and it wasn't meant to be this way M but it's happening,changing and knowing that is one thing but accepting it is another thing..the hardest thing of all....when you look in the mirror the eyes see the same face but the mind tells you it's over and this is the way it has to be..you can't avoid it or change it....you are entering a new life and the one before will be gone.....but what you will always be left with is your memories....the past will fight the future all the way to the bitter end but your future has to win..good or bad...you will not know until you get there and only you will see,feel the end of time and see the new time ahead come what may...


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## dither (Mar 12, 2016)

I got down and it's where i live  now.

Can eventually feel comfortable like an old coat.

Don't get comfortable with it.

Good luck with the therapy.


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## Reichelina (Mar 12, 2016)

Mistique said:


> I dont know whats going on with me anymore. I dont recognize myself this way. I sleep all the time and yet I cant seem to shake the faitigue. I am the upbeat happy girl, but its gone. I cant find it any more, no matter what I do. The happy girl is just gone. There is this constant deep sadness that stays with me no matter what I do. It weighs me down like a heavy blanket and I cant push it off. Life is zo beautiful, I know it is, I have told People so milions of times, but I cant see it any more. I can see my beautiful man surrounding me with love, worrying as he looks into my eyes, but I cant feel it. If only I could feel it again, but its out of my reach. The doctor says Im depressed. I guess that is what I am, but I cant seem to shake it and instead it just gets worse and worse. Im sinking and I dont know to stop it.



Hi! I'm Celina. 
I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Can I ask you a few things? 
How old are you? 
Also, have you lost weight recently? Has anything in your 'routine' changed dramatically? New job? 

Well, I know my questions are a little personal, you don't have to answer them haha. But I just want to be able to understand why you MIGHT feel down. I'm not here to judge or anything, just want to share your emotions. 

We have all been there. 

Hugs!


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## Deleted member 56686 (Mar 12, 2016)

Celina, you may want to look at Misti's signature.

Sorry to hear you're down, Misti. I know you're going through a lot physically. All i can say is to lean on your boyfriend (or is it husband now?) and family/friends for support. And of course you know we're here for you.  :smile2:


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 12, 2016)

Firstly, I don't think anything is that determined, escorial, life throws out surprises all the time and we are all different. On the other hand it is perfectly true to say 'your changing inside....you may never be the same person again', except for the 'may'. None of us are ever the same, but sometimes the changes are quicker or deeper than the mind finds ways to cope. 

Your own mind is the one mind you can be certain is actually on your side, if it is doing something to your conciousness then it is doing the best it can for you for the moment. As you say, you are a creative person, I am sure you can remember the feelings of your creativity, if you can bring that to the problem that your mind is trying to solve for you you may well develop solutions which do not have such unpleasant side effects. They exist, discovering them is what rebalances the scales.

One final word of caution, I am supposing that your doctor had the sense to do some basic blood tests? You have used your body mercilessly for some  time, I have seen the rigours of IVF, it strikes me as not impossible for you to have some simple deficiency, like a B vitamin.

Know we wish you well and think of you, Olly


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## escorial (Mar 12, 2016)

Olly only M can understand what is going on in her mind and only M has a grasp of the bigger picture..what i offer is a pov based on my on experience and my assumptions are just that....


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## Reichelina (Mar 12, 2016)

I'm sorry if i'm prying.
I kind of scanned through your previous posts. 

I'm sorry. I read about your attempts of having a baby and your MS and all. (The whole thread was 43 pages so I jumped every five pages) I know saying sorry won't solve your problems. You seem like a very nice person and I am sorry that you have to go through such pain.

I can feel you. As a woman, I have always had this intense desire to be a mother too. 
(From being a little girl playing "mom" with our dolls...) 

I don't want to say too much, since I don't know you that well, and that don't really help most of the time. 

I wish I can send a HUG that you will "feel" from Philippines to Netherlands! 

The worst of battles are given to the best soldiers. 
God knows you are able to handle ANYTHING! 

You are loved. Always remember that.
And failures do not define you. 

Hugs!!!!!!


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## Cran (Mar 12, 2016)

Misti - I wish you all strength as you move through this. 

What you describe in your first post reads like clinical depression to me, and it may have many causal factors, some obvious (pain and loss) and some perhaps not (some mineral similar deficiency or imbalance as suggested above), which combined have played hell with your emotional self. 

Therapy may help. Realising that you are not alone in this dark place, seeing that others are where you find yourself, may also help. It helps to step outside of our own pain and dark hopelessness if there is a part of us that can still reach out to others, to offer or to accept what such contact may bring.

Me? I finally had to accept that it wasn't enough, and I needed some happy pills to get me back to where I need to be to feel at all useful. It's going to be a long trial, with lots of going back to the doctor to see how or if it's working. I think maybe it is. At least, I've stopped thinking about ending it all every time I wake up and until my pain meds kick in. But yes, it's the ongoing fatigue that also made up my mind to go all chemical for help.


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## Jack of all trades (Mar 12, 2016)

I agree with Olly. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can cause depression. Omega-3 is so commonly deficient these days. And adrenal fatigue is a common result of stress and hormone fluctuations. Having had issues caused by supplements, I try to get get my nutrients from food these days.

Good luck and take care of yourself!


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## MzSnowleopard (Mar 12, 2016)

Misti - though I don't and won't pretend to understand your personal circumstances, I sympathize with you about the depression. It comes in many forms, each unique to each person. I was diagnosed in my early to mid teens- brought on by the death of my adopted Dad. It has plagued me since. 

Depression is not terminal, it's not the end of the world, it can be managed. I believe that everyone goes through a phase of depression, in one form or another, for some- like myself- it's chronic. And for some people it really is temporary. This depends on the person. 

For treatment there are herbs, supplements, drugs, and therapy. The key to success is to find what works for you. The treatment is as varied as the depression. 

Don't lose hope and know- you are not alone.


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## blazeofglory (Mar 13, 2016)

Mistique said:


> I dont know whats going on with me anymore. I dont recognize myself this way. I sleep all the time and yet I cant seem to shake the faitigue. I am the upbeat happy girl, but its gone. I cant find it any more, no matter what I do. The happy girl is just gone. There is this constant deep sadness that stays with me no matter what I do. It weighs me down like a heavy blanket and I cant push it off. Life is zo beautiful, I know it is, I have told People so milions of times, but I cant see it any more. I can see my beautiful man surrounding me with love, worrying as he looks into my eyes, but I cant feel it. If only I could feel it again, but its out of my reach. The doctor says Im depressed. I guess that is what I am, but I cant seem to shake it and instead it just gets worse and worse. Im sinking and I dont know to stop it.


I cannot find out whether it is a real story or something fictionalised. I feel you are drafting a plot. Or if you are good at fictionalizing the life you have lived you will be a great writer. It is so beautifully drafted I enjoy reading it repeatedly. 

I however apologise for for expressing all that I felt. Life is however beautiful and our experience though at times become bitter is still sweet. I do not know how to and what to advise you or I have no clue or I have nothing to sell.

on the strength of my existence here as a poster I still advise you a: please keep on writing such beautifully written plots. And you will learn to be happy by always writing complicity.


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

Dither: Thank you for the support, I don't intend to get comfortable with it.

 Reichelina: Thank you for having read some of my previous stuff. Thank you for taking that effort, that was kind of you 

 MrMustard: Thank you, my friend, he's still my boyfriend and he will be until the 26th of may. On a completely unrelated point, I just prepared a fish dish that had you in it 

Jack of all trades: I am definately having a look at my vitamine levels (but I have no doubt my neurologist will want to do the same)

MsSnowleapard: I am so sorry you have to deal with this permanently. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Thank you for your supportive words.

blazeofglory: Its not fictionalised, I wish it was, then I could put it aside, but thank you... I think... for appreciating my writing. I guess I get poetical when expressing my emotions  and yes, writing has always been the one way that can make me feel better.


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

escorial said:


> Olly only M can understand what is going on in her mind and only M has a grasp of the bigger picture..what i offer is a pov based on my on experience and my assumptions are just that....




Actually Olly and escorial, I understand you both and appreciate both your posts.

The MS has changed me in ways that can not be changed back. Part of me is gone forever, and the past of me, who I used to be, is resisting hard to accept that. Finding the new me is hard and part of what's got me so depressed now. In that sense, your post, escorial (y_our changing inside....you may never be the same person again....and it wasn't meant to be this way M but it's happening,changing and knowing that is one thing but accepting it is another thing..the hardest thing of all....when you look in the mirror the eyes see the same face but the mind tells you it's over and this is the way it has to be..you can't avoid it or change it....you are entering a new life and the one before will be gone.....but what you will always be left with is your memories....the past will fight the future all the way to the bitter end but your future has to win..good or bad...you will not know until you get there and only you will see,feel the end of time and see the new time ahead come what may..)_  meant a great deal to me as that is exactly how it feels at times. 

On the other hand what you wrote, Olly (_Firstly, I don't think anything is that determined, escorial, life throws out surprises all the time and we are all different. On the other hand it is perfectly true to say 'your changing inside....you may never be the same person again', except for the 'may'. None of us are ever the same, but sometimes the changes are quicker or deeper than the mind finds ways to cope. Your own mind is the one mind you can be certain is actually on your side, if it is doing something to your conciousness then it is doing the best it can for you for the moment. As you say, you are a creative person, I am sure you can remember the feelings of your creativity, if you can bring that to the problem that your mind is trying to solve for you you may well develop solutions which do not have such unpleasant side effects. They exist, discovering them is what rebalances the scales. One final word of caution, I am supposing that your doctor had the sense to do some basic blood tests? You have used your body mercilessly for some  time, I have seen the rigours of IVF, it strikes me as not impossible for you to have some simple deficiency, like a B vitamin. Know we wish you well and think of you, Olly_) meant a great deal to me too. I didn't consider the basic blood tests so I will be runing to the doctor first thing Monday morning to have that checked out. But it was also the thought that 'sometimes the changes are quicker or deeper than the minds finds ay to cope' that helped. Maybe that is what is happening, things are changing too fast and my mind needs time to catch up and find new ways of coping.

Thank you, both!


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## escorial (Mar 13, 2016)

just stay safe......


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## PrinzeCharming (Mar 13, 2016)

_Breathe_. Stay strong. One heart beat _at a time_. 
Smile. Move along. Defeat is _overcoming _yesterday to smile _again _today. 

I believe in you. Believe in yourself.


- Anthony


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

Cran said:


> Misti - I wish you all strength as you move through this.
> 
> What you describe in your first post reads like clinical depression to me, and it may have many causal factors, some obvious (pain and loss) and some perhaps not (some mineral similar deficiency or imbalance as suggested above), which combined have played hell with your emotional self.
> 
> ...




Yes, the doctor called it that too 'a clinical depression'. His tests suggested a moderate to severe depression.

I am sorry to hear you had to struggle with this as well. I don't know what is going to help for me, but I am going to try it all. Therapy will start soon, EMDR, which is mainly aimed at helping me cope with some traumatic events that happened earlier in my life (as the doctor also seems to thing I have a post traumatic stress disorder) and once I am capable of dealing with that better it will be aimed at helping me rebuild my life now that both the MS and the infertility have wrecked so much of it. I am doing volunteer work so that I can help someone else instead of always driving myself crazy thinking about my own life and how low I am feeling. It helps a little. Its hard for me to enjoy the work right now, but I do see how much it means for those I help and in that particular moment it does make me feel good to see them smile. I have been thinking about meds as well, but we will see.


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

PrinzeCharming said:


> _Breathe_. Stay strong. One heart beat _at a time_.
> Smile. Move along. Defeat is _overcoming _yesterday to smile _again _today.
> 
> I believe in you. Believe in yourself.
> ...



How can a message from 'prinze charming' himself not make me smile  thanks.


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

escorial said:


> just stay safe......



I always do  or I certainly try to.


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## Phil Istine (Mar 13, 2016)

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  I'm assuming that the doc has already ruled out possible physical causes such as thyroid and liver issues?
You've been through a lot recently.  I imagine that few would remain unscathed. I'm glad that you will be seeing a therapist, but I'm biased as my own therapeutic experiences were positive (well, it probably couldn't have got worse anyway).  Do remember though that therapy stirs things up, so instant benefits may be too high an expectation; better to think of it as a long-term investment rather than a quick fix.
It sounds like you're doing the right things so here's to the future.


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## Sonata (Mar 13, 2016)




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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

Phil Istine said:


> Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  I'm assuming that the doc has already ruled out possible physical causes such as thyroid and liver issues?
> You've been through a lot recently.  I imagine that few would remain unscathed. I'm glad that you will be seeing a therapist, but I'm biased as my own therapeutic experiences were positive (well, it probably couldn't have got worse anyway).  Do remember though that therapy stirs things up, so instant benefits may be too high an expectation; better to think of it as a long-term investment rather than a quick fix.
> It sounds like you're doing the right things so here's to the future.



Yes I imagine it will het worse before it will het better. Thank you for the support.


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## Mistique (Mar 13, 2016)

Sonata said:


>



Now that is cute  thanks


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## Sonata (Mar 13, 2016)

Misti - you are always in my thoughts and my prayers. xx


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## Mistique (Mar 14, 2016)

Thanks sonata  You are most kind.


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## Mistique (Mar 14, 2016)

Today during my yoga class for a moment I felt light, even happy. As if being carried by something bigger than me. It was magical. The darkness came back, but this moment was something to remember. To hold onto. To know that the light can come back, if only for a moment.


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Mar 14, 2016)

Mistique said:


> I dont know whats going on with me anymore. I dont recognize myself this way. I sleep all the time and yet I cant seem to shake the faitigue. I am the upbeat happy girl, but its gone. I cant find it any more, no matter what I do. The happy girl is just gone. There is this constant deep sadness that stays with me no matter what I do. It weighs me down like a heavy blanket and I cant push it off. Life is so beautiful, I know it is, I have told People so milions of times, but I cant see it any more. I can see my beautiful man surrounding me with love, worrying as he looks into my eyes, but I cant feel it. If only I could feel it again, but its out of my reach. The doctor says Im depressed. I guess that is what I am, but I cant seem to shake it and instead it just gets worse and worse. Im sinking and I dont know how to stop it.



That's pretty much the description of depression. It is as persistent, illogical, and unreasonable as a phobia. 

It is not something that can necessarily be 'fought off' with conscious thought. It's a boxing match against the champion. A marathon run across the world. Trying to lose three hundred pounds... making fire with two sticks, killing a bear with your bare hands, running from a cheetah. A.. a... a game of Dark souls! Haha. 

The causes can be situational, physical... anything really. Mine is a chemical imbalance that runs strongly on the male side of my family. I dealt with it for seven years alone, without any medication to speak of or help. 

I will also be meeting with a therapist very soon.

Both the challenges and solution are different for everyone. But, nothing will change without effort. 

Don't give up. We've all met that person who has given up. It's a sad existence.


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## Mistique (Mar 14, 2016)

Crowley K. Jarvis said:


> That's pretty much the description of depression. It is as persistent, illogical, and unreasonable as a phobia.
> 
> It is not something that can necessarily be 'fought off' with conscious thought. It's a boxing match against the champion. A marathon run across the world. Trying to lose three hundred pounds... making fire with two sticks, killing a bear with your bare hands, running from a cheetah. A.. a... a game of Dark souls! Haha.
> 
> ...



Thank you for writing that. I am sorry you had to deal with it alone for so long. Hopefully the therapy can bring you some light, as I hope it will do for me. I won't give up if you promise not to give up either


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## Bloggsworth (Mar 14, 2016)

There are many physical/autoimmune conditions which can cause your symptoms, so don't despair, get everything checked before labelling yourself a depressive.


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## bazz cargo (Mar 14, 2016)

Good news, you are allowed to be happy.


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## Mistique (Mar 16, 2016)

Bloggsworth said:


> There are many physical/autoimmune conditions which can cause your symptoms, so don't despair, get everything checked before labelling yourself a depressive.



I already have am autoimmune disease, I dont need another, but I get what you mean.


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## Mistique (Mar 16, 2016)

bazz cargo said:


> Good news, you are allowed to be happy.



Glad to hear it my friend  I have missed you. Want to know something shocking? I ran out of chocolate grapes!


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## Reichelina (Mar 16, 2016)

Mistique said:


> Glad to hear it my friend  I have missed you. Want to know something shocking? I ran out of chocolate grapes!



Wait, what? Chocolate grapes? 
*gulp


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## bazz cargo (Mar 16, 2016)

Dark chocolate grapes are a super food.


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## Sam (Mar 16, 2016)

It sounds paradoxical, but the more you sleep, the more tired you become.


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## Mistique (Mar 21, 2016)

Reichelina said:


> Wait, what? Chocolate grapes?
> *gulp



Yep, want some?


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## Mistique (Mar 21, 2016)

Sam said:


> It sounds paradoxical, but the more you sleep, the more tired you become.



Yep, quite paradoxical. I do seem to get to a point now where sleep is actually helping and Im actually starting to feel less drained  I guess I have slept enough


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## Reichelina (Mar 21, 2016)

Mistique said:


> Yep, want some?


 
Is that grapes covered in melted chocolate?


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 21, 2016)

Mistique said:


> Yep, quite paradoxical. I do seem to get to a point now where sleep is actually helping and Im actually starting to feel less drained  I guess I have slept enough



That seems quite quick, sometimes these things drag on for ages, mind it probably seems like ages to you  I am glad to hear there is a bit of improvement, let's hope it continues slowly and steadily in that direction.


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## Gofa (Mar 23, 2016)

You cant fight chemicals with psychology.  If you are in a chemical imbalance fix that. After trying for a baby it is possible that your body is tilting away from the pregnancy process that was being stimulated. 
Im not advocating happy pills rather go back and look at what has been prescribed in to your body and talk to the medical staff that facilitated the attempted pregnancies looking for a down side after the fact.
Its not you sunshine. Just your body.  
Everything has a beginning and an end. It is easier to see that your body is just recovering like a hangover after a little too much fun chasing a pregnancy. That its you is easy to accept but not true.


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## Mistique (Mar 23, 2016)

Reichelina said:


> Is that grapes covered in melted chocolate?



Yep, that's it


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## Mistique (Mar 23, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> That seems quite quick, sometimes these things drag on for ages, mind it probably seems like ages to you  I am glad to hear there is a bit of improvement, let's hope it continues slowly and steadily in that direction.



It does seem like ages and it certainly isn't gone yet, but there does seem to be a slight improvement  hopefully it stays that way


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## Mistique (Mar 23, 2016)

Gofa said:


> Its not you sunshine. Just your body.



That created a big smile on my face  thank you for that.


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