# March 2013 - LM - A Picture Prompt - Scores



## Fin (Apr 1, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
*A Picture Prompt*


Well, these scores are just a little bit delayed. Apologies goes out to everyone. Fortunately for you, I won’t be a judge on the next one, so you don’t have to worry about any problems from me! My scores are here, but my reviews will be added in at a later time. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our other judges, Leyline, Moderan, and Staff Deployment for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Thanks also goes out to Jon M for the suggested prompt.


*Scores*​
*Fin**Leyline**Moderan**Staff Deployment**Average**Kevin*1513201315.25*WechtleinUns*1413191415*lasm*1720191818.5*allyson17white*1010171012*alanmt*1918201518*Sunny*1715171716.5*Cheid*1716201617.25*egpenny*1618191416.75*NathanBrazil*1514202017.25*Save.Face*1514201516*Lewdog*151619914.75*Rustgold*1513191716*Circadian*1716191817.50*FleshEater*1617181215.75*bazz cargo*1618201416.75*spartan 928*1717181917.75*ppsage*1820201518.25


In third place, we have Alanmt with his entry Victoriana.
In second, we have ppsage with his entry Fat Joke
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to lasm with her entry Patient.


Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for a good read.



[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*Kevin
"bodies"
SCORE: 13*

I have to admit that I didn't care much for this one, Kevin. The SpaG was fine, and you did well in conveying an attitude of panic and desperation. My problem was simply that I didn't care for it. It's not what I'd call a story, really: there's no conflict other than the narrator being confused and scared, no revelation, no sense of closure or completion. The only thing I learned about your character was that he or she was really freaking out. Now, I've read vignettes along those lines that I did enjoy, and that did emotionally effect me, but those were almost always the result of stylistic techniques and poetry. The repetition didn't help, either, though I understand your intention in using it. This would make a very interesting opening scene to a longer work where the reader is given some sort of narrative journey.


*WechtleinUns
"Evaporated Tears"
SCORE: 13*

SpaG is fine, and the tone consistent. I found the opening paragraph highly confusing, even after several readings. At first it seems the ghost/lost soul remembers some things, though later he or she doesn't even recall a gender. "Cleanse the losing horse with fire?" Is that a memory or a simile? The bulk of the piece is a series of questions that are never to be answered, which may have been your intent, but that does not make for a very satisfying or entertaining story. As with the piece above, this would make a powerful opening scene to a longer story; I'm assuming this is a soul being inducted into hell, but I'm not even certain about that. I did enjoy your visceral and intriguing description of the infernal floor, though.


* lasm
"Patient"
SCORE: 20*

A fantastic little horror story, beautifully set-up, developed and completed. Creepily disturbing without crossing that line in my brain that makes me go "Oh, come on now." SpaG was perfect, as usual. Loved the contrast of the Doctor's kind-on-the-surface tone and his terrible actions. My one tiny question was the line about the mother, which I interpreted to be a hint that the patient was a matricidal killer and his treatment, in a way, possibly justified. That question is in no way a complaint, as it introduced the right amount of ambiguity for me, and left me wondering who was the monster here? Probably both, which opens a world of thematic resonance. Great work as usual, lasm.


*allyson17whyte
"Stairs To Heaven"
SCORE: 10*

The lack of paragraphing really harmed this story. Beyond the fact that it's by definition grammatically incorrect, it just completely ruins narrative flow. It's a shame, because there's potential here, despite the ending being given away in the title. Quite a few typos and nits: 'where' instead of 'were', 'laying' rather than 'lying', 'one' instead of 'on', etc. Beyond that, I think your biggest mistake, in my subjective opinion, is using so much space describing the simple act of repetitively going up stairs. In such a short piece, indulging that much of the word count to a repeating event should only be done if those repeated acts give the reader insight into character or theme. I enjoyed the reversal at the end.


* alanmt
"Victoriana"
SCORE: 18*

For most of its length, a stylish and enjoyable piece of retro-lit. Well written, nicely characterized in the space given, interesting (and very in-period) ideas and concepts for the speculative elements. I dock only for the ending, which almost felt like an authorial admission that you'd bit off more conceptual and narrative meat than could be successfully chewed in 650 words. Saw no SpaGnits and the tone was delightful, it simply felt like To be continued! should have followed the final line.


*Sunny
"Astral Search"
SCORE: 15*

A pretty well written story on a technical, line by line level. Some really nice similes and poetic turns of phrase. I found no SpaGnits and the tone was fine. My problem was the dialogue: it was almost entirely 'As you know, Bob' style exposition and both male characters were indistinguishable. I was also left fairly flat by the ending, since I saw no explanation of the failed attempt to retrieve the female character other than the desire for a tragic ending.


*Cheid
"Survival"
SCORE: 16*

Hmm. An odd one, in my opinion. Well written, excellent SpaG and consistent tone. An intriguing world to be tossed into the middle of, and a very dramatic situation, well conveyed. But it left me mostly cold since I had no real connection to anyone here or their dilemma, the bulk of the story being a description of the awful situation. You had 175 words available to (for example) give us a conversation between father and daughter to perhaps connect us to them in a more emotional way. The prompt seemed a bit tacked on as well. Still, overall, good work.


*egpenny
"Tunnel Vision"
SCORE: 18*

I really liked this one, egpenny! I was hoping for something lighter in tone after reading seven pretty dark entries, and you delivered on that. Well written in that same light style, with some fun description. I quite liked the lack of aches and pains being a certain indication that something was wrong! Saw only one SpaG nit, an un-needed comma in 'goodbyes'. Once again, really enjoyed this.


*NathanBrazil
"Separation"
SCORE: 14*

Found this one a real downer, and pretty muddled IMO. It mostly just seemed like a series of increasingly grim incidents, capped off with a confusing afterlife (or fantasy?) of a classroom. The writing was pretty good, and the tone consistent, but I think you go a little crazy with comma usage. It's a personal thing, but I feel if you're going to use such a horrific subject as child torment (and murder?) it should be in service to a developed theme and I simply didn't find one here. I did like the descriptions of the drawings at the end though.


*Save.Face
"A Good Night's Sleep"
SCORE: 14*

A very interesting concept and an excellent use of the prompt. But the sentence fragments and formatting faults made this choppy and hard to read. I didn't catch any SpaGnits. This sort of rambles, in a way, ending as a revenge drama. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what exactly went on here, even after several reads. Nice closing symmetry with the beginning.


*Lewdog
"Gambler"
SCORE: 16*

Good tone, no SpaG problems I could see. I liked the voice and the use of poker terminology and slang throughout. This flowed well. But really, you go with the most cliched ending in the world, and it can't even pretend to be a surprise because you basically tell the reader that it's a dream at the beginning of the story. The use of prompt was pretty minimal as well. I did like this, and it was nice to read another light-hearted entry, but the ending was a huge letdown.
* Rustgold
"Dusty Worker's Apartment"
SCORE: 13*

My main reaction to this was 'Huh?' No discernable character, no action, no narrative motion, no conflict or drama. It's just some atmospheric environmental description and a series of unanswered questions. The writing itself is fine (and the only SpaG problem was 'being' for 'begin' used twice, and 'pass' for 'past') and even enjoyable. This simply isn't a story to me.


* Circadian
"The Visitor"
SCORE: 16*

Noticed only one typo -- an 'I' instead of an 'A' in the fourth paragraph. Overall this is quite good, strongly written with good use of language, good flow, a strong voice. It's a complete story, and I thought it a good use of the prompt. My only major problem is with the ending, since it was obvious from the very first moment Carl shows up that he's dead. I was expecting some further twist and when it didn't come I was quite let down.


*FleshEater
"Coming Home"
SCORE: 17*

I quite liked this, as it managed to balance the grim with the emotional. The cut off ending worked for me, as I found it moving that he chose to focus on a happy moment in his last. Only nit I saw was a possibly unnecesarry comma in " and that my son even calls her new husband, dad." My biggest problem, in fact, is how short the piece is. You could have done much more, truly built the case that the narrator was miserable enough to do himself in. As it stands, I bought it, but found myself wishing that a more complete and complex case had been made: doubts and fears, perhaps, part of his mind arguing with the misery. Still, good work.


*bazz cargo
"The Quincunx Of Time"
SCORE: 18*

Really very neat, bazz! Excellent use of prompt, a striking central idea, enjoyable voice and light style, and an ending that made me smile. My only real problem with it was that the dialogue was on the edge of too expository. Saw only one nit: a missing quotation mark. Good work!


*spartan 928
"Oh, Glorious Chemical"
SCORE: 17*

Well written, with some lovely language and description. Good use of prompt. Solid tone and I noticed no SpaG nits. The effect score is down, mainly, because the excellent writing and interesting direction the story went in made me very disappointed that it was simply about a guy dying of a drug overdose -- I suppose I was expecting something a bit more transcendental or at least out of the ordinary. Overall, though, excellent work.


*ppsage
"Fat Joke"
SCORE: 20*

...and the best was saved for last! I loved this, 'sage! The wild similes, the poetic humor, the in-jokes (I literally laughed out loud at 'as silent as Kryptonian specters.' It takes real skill to pull off a SUPERMAN II phantom zone simile-gag!) but mainly the knowing spec-fic language and concepts shifted into humor like the smeared stars in supra-luminal space. Bravo!
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Moderan’s scores]

*Kevin
"bodies"
20*

Interesting. What happens after we die? Are there trumpets and guys with wings? Or just another learning process. This one offers a few explicit Anglo-Saxonisms and the Kafkaesque confusion of a spirit that doesn't yet know how to work the controls.
I don't think it went far enough in that direction, but that's the general picture. Good one. No spagnits to speak of, and I'll be glad not to speak of them.
Can't dock for the voice. That is consistent and believable throughout.  Nor the effect.


*WechtleinUns
"Evaporated Tears"
19*

Man this starts out nice, like zombie noir. But then I'm just getting a whole heap of impressionism as the putative plot disappears and I stare at the hole where it was, forlorn. His life flashes before his eyes. I get that, and kudos for doing as much with it as you have. But another para of plot and one less of impression and this one would have a perfect score.
Pleased not to speak of spagnits, and the voice is consistent. Everything up to "sulfur" is golden.


*lasm
"Patient"
19*

Oblique. I do like that. Don't care much for being beaten over the head with the Deep Meaning of Things.
There are a couple of areas where I'd use different punctuation, but I think in either case it's a judgement call, not an objective matter.
On the other hand, and an odd-looking hand it is, it's the unseen in this piece that bothers me slightly. I want more than "Doctor's office". I think I'm supposed to identfy maybe "Mental Home" or  "State Pen" but the tone of the piece makes me think more like "Mad Scientist Territory". That's a touch too much ambiguity, I think. One is left to imagine what Paul would be like, given a blue pill and an AR15. And direction. That part is terrific.
Though I like the scene plenty, I can't give it a perfect score because I cannot identify either the location or identify with either of the characters. All I have is this Burgess/Kafka scene and my thoughts.


*alanmt
"Victoriana"
20*

How could he stop it indeed? That would be the subject of the next 2500 or so words as Dr. Havelock attempted to find legal proof of what he had witnessed, or to find a way to administer some kind of justice. But those words aren't here.
What we do have is a sharply-envisioned Victorian London as a backdrop to a tale of the supernatural. It reads somewhere between Conan Doyle and Robert W Chambers and introducues to one of those gifted individuals, like John Constantine, Harry D'Amour, Jules Grandin, Lord Darcy, and others of that ilk. Cool. I have one of these too.
I don't think I can avoid giving this a perfect score. There wasn't anything wrong with the writing or the tone, and enough story has survived what must have been a good number of edits.


*NathanBrazi
"Separation"
20*

Welcome back, NB. Good to see that your style has grown. This is a very vivid piece. Event A flows right into Event B properly. My best comparison would be to some of the scenes in Daniel Keyes' The Minds of Billy Milligan, in which the title character had undergone many of the same insults and had psychologically split into sixteen facets.
That separation of mind and body has been taken a step further here, into a form of astral projection.
The climax could lead to any number of wonders. It could be the surcease that the title character is seeking and that the tone of the tale implies, or it could be redemption, or anything else.


*Save.Face
"A Good Night's Sleep"
20*

Good story. A different kind of possession and a little ice-cold revenge. I like the wordplay. There aren't any spagnits that I can see, and there's no loss of tone. The voice is just fine for the piece.
Would be a fine little teleplay, for Tales from the Crypt or somesuch


*LewDog
"Gambler"
19*


I feel cheated. The ending was too Dallas and I'm docking you a point for that and for the general clunkiness of the beginning. The story is pure Quantum Leap, narrated from the inside. I'd letcha get away with that if you had found a better structure than "surveying" the men at the table. But that and the "it was all a dream" stuff is too offputting. The tone wasn't enough, the general conviction of the "auteurial presence" wasn't enough, to get this to clinch the brass ring. But it's the next best thing.


*allyson17white"
Stairs to Heaven"
17*

I'm not going to be mean. I will however point out that this story was extremely hard to read because of improper paragraph formatting. The cascade of cliches that followed didn't help. Then Nate Comer started laying when he should have been lying and my eyes just glazed over completely. The less I say of the looking around, shifting his head from side to side, the better.
Thank you for taking the time to write a story and enter it into the competition. If you need help with paragraph formatting, this is a good place to get that help. It's also a good place to learn to write.


*Sunny
"Astral Search"
17*

I'm not entirely sure what's happening here. The narrator has launched himself from his body, running away from the noise? Then I'm to imagine crashing through a tsunami in a glass spaceship in a picture gallery?
The story is kind of involving, being a search for this girl Rosaletta by deploying the titular method. But the prose is so purple that I have to stop here and there. The "green eyes of failure"? I got all hung up on the tear that slid down his nose? Whose was it? Why was it there?
There's no sense of smell inside your mouth. I'm sorry, but it's true.
The central incident needs more elaboration and I don't really know who the characters are.
The attempts at poetic gymnastics ruin the story for me. Others' mileage may vary. No spagnits, the voice was consistent.


*Cheid
"Survival"
20*

Okay, so he didn't know he was dead. That was pretty cool. I've used that trick a few times myself. Not to the extent that Manley Wade Wellman did with his grandpappy but yeah, it's a good device. I like the scene, with reservations. It reads like a window on a postapocalytpic piece, but it reeks of zombie. Forgve me if I'm wrong but I smell Bra-ains.
That doesn't actually affect what's here though, which is just fine for our purposes. No spagnits that I could see. Richard Matheson wouldn't be unhappy with it being part of the Omega Man.
It's a little chilly, a little formal. That's probably called-for.


*egpenny
"Tunnel Vision"
19*

Everybody is so nice and it's all so wonderful and all. I actually do catalogue my pains to assess the day;I imagine that many do.
I'd take out the word "flipping". The sentence works better without its flippancy.
My other issues? How the ghost know that its touch "tickled" the man it contacted? There's a whole lot of tickling going on, and it isn't tickling me. It's unexplained.
I do enjoy the sense of humor, and the relative innocence of the voice is refreshing. I'm getting a Jimmy Stewart Grainger vibe. It just all doesn't add up for me.


*B. D. Branch
"Dusty Worker's Apartment"
19*

I get that the circularity of the story's construction is supposed to mirror the cyclical nature of the occupants' existence, and that the whole is a reflection on things as they are. I do. I like to be home when I can, beside the fire, as it were.
That's clever, but it's a snapshot of the apartment rather than a story. Without a recognizable character, I have nobody to hang my hat on. And there's no real conflict here, unless we're going with entropy as motive force.
On the other hand, there are no spagnits. The thing was readable, just not of the championship quality.


*Circadian
"The Visitor"
19*

There's but one typo in this, and it is a doozy.
"Every time I get I shock, I worry it’s the beginning of a heart attack"
You probably mean "a" shock...and the rest of the sentence just clanks. It kills the flow of the story, right there. Fix that, and you get a perfect score.
The story would be more poetic if she went with him.


*FleshEater
"Coming Home"
18

There's nothing wrong with the sentence structure or the punctuation of this piece.. The premise is easily grokked. I don't believe it though. It's all just easy. There's no tangled web of motivations, just loneliness and narcissistic self-pity. If your aim is to make the reader go "Jeez, What a dink," regarding your mc, you've succeeded.
It comes off crybaby instead of horrific. I don't care about the character's impending doom. I do think he should at least stare down the barrel Wile E. Coyote-style.

[*]spartan928
"Oh, Glorious Chemical"
18

Hmm. I was hoping to cast against type. Instead, the polemic. Ah, well. The spelling and grammar are spotless, and the story held together well enough for what it was. The ending is sorta telegraphed by the prompt once you decide to go this way. Done in by the Chemical Brothers? Hmm.
This is awfully cliched, and to me, not as effective as it could have been. Maybe a couple more mikes.

[*]bazz cargo
"The Quincunx of Time"
20

Extra credit for the James Blish title. I love me some Cities in Flight. Okay..the story.
I laughed. I laughed like hell. Very original take on parallel worlds/avatars/that sorta thing, with enough one-liners that I had to read it twice.
Reads like an unholy combination of Reginald Bretnor and RA Lafferty, if crossed with Rudy Rucker. Wild.

[*]ppsage
"Fat Joke"
20

Even unto the postscript, he continues with the jokes. Arcane imprecation indeed! Robert Sheckley is still looking in his desk drawer for this piece, gone fission some years ago. I love the nomenclature and the general atmosphere.  Ima have another laugh.
Ha. Ha.
Okay. Yeah, I'm a cappy hamper now.



I think that's six perfect scores. Overwhelming excellence. My days and nights have been filled with your visions. I wish there had been more as my pain let up briefly whenever I was setting up to read an entrant piece, using a combination of the Sublime SOJ method and the Leylinian Doctrine of getting em while they're hot.
*
*
**[/spoiler2]**
[spoiler2=Staff Deployment’s scores]

Kevin
"bodies"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

Though the loose grammar and fragmentation was part of the effect, the occasional awkward implementation and inconsistency hampered this (like the inconsistent capitalization of Hell). Additionally, the lack of a period at the end, while seemingly intentional, had no clearly-defined precedent to justify it.

On the other hand this story's voice is excellent and carries on consistently and unrelentingly all the way to the end. Top marks cheerio chap chap!

The overall impact is dampened a little bit, unfortunately. There isn't a clear structure to the story, and though it's very stream-of-consciousness, the lack of a graspable plot or conflict is a detriment. I am aware that the ending is absolutely meant to be abrupt but I didn't feel the necessary rise in tension leading up to it. There was no clearly-defined precedent, as I mentioned. I think this style was a great idea, and the tone was excellent, but it could have been tighter on a macro scale.


Weichtlein Uns
"Evaporated Tears"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

No problems with spelling or grammar, but in places the structure seemed unintentionally awkward. I'm okay with the fragmented sentences though, so don't worry about that.

I liked the tone. It was good. Only problem was, your focus on making this narrator as ill-defined as possible, having all of his/her identities smashed together into one bulbous mass of a perspective, was not only confusing but prevented me from understanding what was going on. I believe that aspect of your piece could have been done in a more accessible manner. Still, it kept me engaged to the end.

Speaking of the end, I found it was kind of disappointing. Nothing particularly exciting happened, and no questions were answered. It feels like part of a larger piece which you arbitrarily cut off after the first 570 words. While your writing itself is very unapologetic (meaning good), especially in the description of the fecal floor, the lack of development or a satisfying ending harms this piece.


Lasm
"Patient"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 10
Overall: 18

Didn't notice any typos, and you used unique sentence structure to complement your writing. Very high end.

I wasn't so sold on your perspective; sometimes it was confusing and felt like you occasionally broke from the narrator's point of view; it was distractingly ambiguous at times. As well, it took me to the point where we'd moved clearly into the doctor's room to wrap my head around a sense of place. After that point things became much clearer, so that's good.

Of course as a whole this is an excellent story - very tightly written, very engaging, and contains hints of interesting characterization not just in the narrator but the stalwart doctor as well. We don't know whether the doctor is trying to help this patient, or whether he's being needlessly sadistic and manipulative. There's no clear "good guy" and no unnecessary evaluation of right and wrong, only the tortured thoughts of the narrator and the violence inflicted by him and upon him (sometimes at the same time). I liked this story a lot.


Allyson17white
"Stairs to Heaven"
Spelling/Grammar: 1
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 4
Overall: 10

I feel really bad about docking so many points for spelling and grammar. It's obvious you put the piece extensively through a spell-checker, because there were no misspelled words. Unfortunately words were often misused, which a spell-checker wouldn't have caught (for example, you used "nob" in the place of "knob" several times; a "nob" is slang for a person of wealth or high social standing, while a "knob" is located on doors, which was what you were going for). Additionally, at times there was some confusion between past and present tense.

The only way to avoid these sorts of issues is to go through the whole piece with a fine-toothed comb. Or, alternatively, write many more stories until you start getting a feel for the way all the complicated words in the English language fit together. I recommend writing many more stories. That's always my recommendation. Writing more stories is awesome.

In terms of tone, whether it was because I felt bad for all the grammar errors and chose to overlook them as I was reading to the end, or because I could tell that you had a clear idea of what your story would be and then stuck with your vision, I have given you all of the points for tone (all of them). All of the points. You were very consistent in your style, you stuck with the one character throughout, and you used a focus on action above details to draw attention to his dogged perseverence. I think the tone and vision of the piece was well done throughout.

Still, the flawed structure (particularly the lack of paragraph breaks) as well as the aforementioned grammatical issues are all detrimental to the overall impact, and it wasn't as engaging as it could have been. It was a decent start but it needs to be fleshed out considerably; at the moment it is inhibitively unrefined.


Alanmt
"Victoriana"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 9
Overall: 15

No spelling or grammar mistakes that I caught. However, it was all very straight-laced; no experimentation. I wouldn't have been able to place the time-period had you not prefaced the piece with "1886." There are complicated and 'proper' words, certainly, but very few words or phrases expressly indicative of the late 19th century.

...which of course melds into tone. It was very drab and unemotional. Despite the first person perspective, the only (in my opinion) interesting thing the character thinks is "I never understood why he, being paid to solve crimes, thought it improper for me to be similarly compensated." That in itself is a great line and gives a good idea of the narrator's personality, but it's the only such line in the piece that stuck with me in that way. The narrator's actions do not reflect that educated snarkiness you so snidely hinted at.

Of course I still liked this story, especially the uniquely literal spin on the prompt. As well, even though the tone of the piece doesn't reflect it, the idea of not only an unstoppable otherworldly force assaulting London but the way that the authorities use it to bypass an otherwise slow-moving judicial system was very intriguing. Kind of draws upon some of the same themes as Dexter, except that the vigilantes are clearly the villains. Anyways, it's good.


Sunny
"Astral Search"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 9
Overall: 17

Brilliant use of language and sentence structure. Lots of urgency, and the breaks into imperative commands just accentuate how wrapped up in his own devices he is.

The piece suffers from the dialogue. It's melodramatic and unrealistic, and in some cases extremely campy (like when the tear slides down over his nose). The description too seems very over-the-top in terms of emotional quality, which rather than being engaging, kind of set up a barrier between me and the character. I'm not feeling the same things he does; that would be impossible. Having such intense emotions, all the time, without a proper build-up or understanding of these characters, makes it difficult to relate to in such a short time.

However, as a story this works very well overall. The futility of his situation and the way his obsessions have a damaging effect on his reality are excellent. Even though I felt more observational about the character than attached throughout most of the piece, at the end when (even in his fantasies) Rosaletta is just beyond reach I understood your intention. On its own it's a powerful image.


Cheid
"Survival"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

Spelling and grammar was perfect. However, there was no real evident experimentation, and word-choice was often confusing (though technically correct).

The tone was also well-done, but again, didn't elevate itself to an outstanding status. Questionable sections of the piece included an inexplicable obsession with numbers in the beginning of the second paragraph and unreliable expression of the passage of time. The word choice was good though, and despite a few clichés such as "the last vestiges" you clearly showed a conscious effort to evoke feelings of hopelessness and isolation through words and phrases like "tortured," or "bastion," or "stillborn." All very nicely done.

And like the other criteria, the effect this story had on me was good but not outstanding. I loved the ending, but the beginning was mediocre. I liked the long paragraphs of ruminations but I wasn't sold on the narrator's rhetorical questions. As a whole this was good, but didn't quite make the leaps to be truly excellent. In my humble opinion, as always, of course.


Egpenny
"Tunnel Vision"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14

Spelling and grammar was good. No boundaries broken. Purely for my own tastes, I felt there were too many rhetorical questions, but that's alright. I wasn't sure "evidentially" was a word because "evidently" is much more common but apparently they're separate words, so that's cool.

Throughout the piece I could never quite an understanding of the main character beyond his tendency to test his aches and pains every morning. That behaviour as well as the line "I’d known I was seriously ill and had settled my affairs" indicates he is an old man, but his vocabulary and the tone of the piece suggested a much younger person. I wasn't convinced of the narrator's point of view either - his words say he is disappointed in being a ghost, but his actions point to a more curious person trying out new boundaries with almost a reserved enthusiasm.

The ending wasn't great. With more development, and perhaps a little bit of background info to tell us he has a dead aunt who was characteristically tardy in life, it may have had a more powerful effect but in this story it doesn't work very effectively. There is no climax or resolution; the narrator is a ghost, and then he is not. He did nothing on his own to change his circumstances and throughout the story seemed very incapable of helping himself. That aspect of him never wavers, which is problematic. Of course, the prose itself is decently written and that makes up for most of the ending.


NathanBrazil
"Separation"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20

whoa

I wanted to stop after "whoa" (you know, for effect), but I suppose I should provide some sort of justification.

The spelling and grammar was flawless. Transcendental and deliberate.

The tone was relentless, depressing, brilliantly developed, and heart-breaking. The central theme of dissociation not only came through in the story, but in the way the story was told. Harder to do better than that.

There are always a million little nitpicks of any story. The father's clichéd wife-beater and beer-can, the sometimes difficult nature of telling apart the metaphors from reality... Yet those don't matter in the end. The prompt is interpreted masterfully and the whole story comes together as a cohesive whole. It's difficult to stop myself from getting lost in it.


Save.Face
"A Good Night's Sleep"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Excellent use of sentence structure and repetition. Though it was confusing at times it was also very consistent, allowing a steady vocabulary of phrases to develop over the course of the story and take on their own meaning.

The tone was over-the-top and melodramatic, which in my own subjective opinion I find distasteful. However, it was very consistent over-all and in a similar fashion the story's voice and method of storytelling grew to take on its own unique meanings and implications.

As a whole however the piece is problematic in how much of its meaning you force the reader to figure out for themselves. As best I could understand, one brother died and the two of them switch their consciousness to-and-from the same body. Other than that the story was too dense and confusing to really come together as a coherent whole. Despite the good experimentation of conventions it relies too much on the reader to piece it together.


Lewdog
"The Gambler"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 2
Overall: 9

Nothing overtly or distractingly wrong with spelling or grammar.

The tone was surprising; at first I thought it would be filled with meaningless Wild West drawl, but it wasn't, which is good! The only westernisms came out in a reserved manner in the dialogue, which I can respect. However, it wasn't told from a particularly exciting perspective, and seemed rather tasteless over-all. You also misquoted the eponymous song. Egregious mistake.

Now. At the end... at the end you wrote the exact words "it was all a dream." Whether or not you were kidding around is irrelevant. I know you're capable of more.


Rustgold
"Dusty Worker's Apartment"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 17

Some misspelled words, an over-reliance on rhetorical questions, and the occasional ambiguous tense all pop out even on the first read-through. It wasn't as distracting as it could have been but it's still not excellent.

In such a short piece it's imperative that every line be objectively well-crafted, and you achieved this. Even though I wasn't always a fan of the tone you were going for, it was consistent and interesting throughout, and that's really what matters in the end. Selon moi, évidemment.

There are clear flaws to this piece, e.g. the melodrama, the typos, the brevity, the tumultuous tide of unending rhetorical questions, etc. However, as a whole it fits together very well, and in fact the things I just mentioned actually tend to complement one another in the context of this piece. Even though it wasn't quite to my tastes, it was regardless quite an admirable story.


Circadian
"The Visitor"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18

No problems with spelling or grammar, plus you effectively used an excellent variety of sentence structures and length, including some fragments and run-ons that were inserted effectively for impact.

As has often come up in these scores, I'm not the biggest fan of melodrama, but I'm willing to accept it in most cases, considering the visual of the prompt. However, while there was a noticeable trace of melodrama during the beginning and middle of the piece you kept the main idea and theme subtle and understated right up to the end, which caught me off guard. An excellent misdirection.

As I stated, the ending was surprising, and well done; you kept enough information and quiet foreshadowing hints without making it obvious. On a second reading I could see all of the little details that upon retrospect make perfect sense for a ghost, for example "how insubstantial he is to the touch." All in all my only criticism would be that the frailty of Dolores seems too preachy and over-done, and as a character, and as a pseudo-narrator, she is not very strong. Otherwise though, I liked it and thought it was good.


Flesheater
"Coming Home"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 4
Overall: 12

I found that the sentence structure was very repetitive at times, making constant use of gerunds and commas and extensions, even when (from my vantage-point) it felt as though it gave the story an unnecessary stuttering, jumping quality to it rather than a languished pace as I assumed you intended. Spelling and grammar were otherwise fine, though the paragraphs were inconsistently broken at least once.

Tone was arrestingly melodramatic, but it was very consistent about it. You chose your words deliberately and built the story around one central theme, and it was convincingly developed throughout.

However, I found it difficult to give this piece more than I did in the "effect" because though the ending and build-up was, objectively, written very well and very thoughtfully, on principle I can't support it much more than that.

Rather than exploring how the man's depression pulled him into such a state, you spent the majority of the story providing only surface-level reasoning, explaining why he felt so alone rather than how that loneliness affected him. The way it's framed portrays this man in a very negative and selfish light. He kills himself not because of deeper underlying psychological issues, but... because he felt lonely.

Keep in mind, of course, that this is entirely my own subjective opinion. Suicide is a very touchy subject, and it's difficult to tell from this story whether you've experienced its effects first-hand. It's regardless commendable that you made an effort to explore its themes for yourself.

One last note: I find titling it "Coming Home" quite distasteful (due to stalwart atheism). This didn't affect my scoring of the piece, though - just to be clear.


Bazz Cargo
"The Quincunx of Time"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 4
Overall: 14

Spelling and grammar is excellent, and the way the sentences are constructed complements the over-arching bizarre tone of the piece.

That over-arching bizarre tone itself is very effectively portrayed. The way that the flimsy physics and general lack of regard for the basic fundamentals of reality is introduced is exactly the same as one might introduce a new paperclip manufacturer or a particularly efficient forklift.

Not gonna lie though, as a whole the story seems to be less than its well-crafted individual components. The ending is drab and lifeless and there's no build-up. The concept itself seems too self-aware to be taken at face value. There are good elements but they're not used effectively to craft a believable story, and the connection to the prompt is thin. It was definitely good writing (save for some flat imagery like "small door set in a larger door") ... yet the delivery could be better.


Spartan928
"Oh, Glorious Chemical"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

The way each paragraph and each sentence is constructed is very deliberate and thoughtful. Each word seems intentional and each phrase purposefully written. No mistakes make this a high standard.

The tone as well. I dislike the particular tone used but I can accept the dedication to keeping it consistent, and the fact that I can recognize it as an essential element to the story makes all the more admirably crafted.

Now I'm torn. The (very clearly stated) message to this piece brings to mind those obnoxious anti-drug PSAs, and the idea of an artist becoming obsessed with and consumed by their work is a very old and tired trope. Yet in this story you pulled it off. A clunky beginning tightened up as it drew to the end, building up to a satisfying and inevitable climax. As a story on its own this was well-done, and again I score this piece against my own individual preferences by its own virtue.


Ppsage
"Fat Joke"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Despite my best efforts I couldn't legitimately find any grammatical errors. Yet I dock you a point for making sentences so confoundingly written that I had to actually use all of those aforementioned best efforts.

I don't care what anyone else says. The bizarre word-choice and constant cut-away to similes of imaginary concepts was quite hilarious to read, as well as to try and work-out. I believe that element is the major appeal of this story. Either that, or you were intentionally trying to make something incomprehensible. But I'm optimistic.

Now the overall effect of the story was more difficult to work out.

Through hard work and diligence I pieced the plot together. Joe Stone has just come back from a long mission. He is horny and fat (the mission did not require much movement on his part), but mostly horny. He goes down to a brothel to order himself a hooker, but she rejects him, because she is fat. Feeling out of shape herself, she recommends a body-trimmer facility and joins him (getting him to pay for her, seeing as he is rich). They get the fat trimmed off, they start knowing each other biblically in his ship, and his ship's computer recruits them to pose as fertility gods on account of their godlike bodies. The end.

I'm afraid that in the macro sense this is a problematic story, structurally and thematically. Its central message seems to be that it's alright to be fat if you're rich enough for liposuction. Additionally there is no real obstacle for Joe to overcome, and hence no clear victory and no satisfying ending. At the very least, your intention for the piece was very interesting and amusing.


yep that's all, howdy folks and a skippery-ding-dang-doo g'night
[/spoiler2]*


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## Fin (Apr 1, 2013)

If you spot any problems, please let me know.


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## moderan (Apr 1, 2013)

Congratulations to all concerned. Great round!
Apologies for the typos in my scores. I shall fix that next round.
Rustgold's score was 19. I bet there's a numeral missing from Staff Deployment's scoring also.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Apr 1, 2013)

Awesome! I am very surprised to have won over such a strong field of entries. Congrats to ppsage and alanmt! And to everyone else for some solid work!

Moderan and Staff Deployment, you are right to ding me on the lack of setting, it's a continuing weakness on my part. I can definitely see where this story gets pretty ambiguous, as well.

Leyline, glad you liked this so much--Paul has actually killed his mother. Interesting that the doctor seemed clearly evil to you (and to SD), I thought I was presenting him as relatively benign, just trying to keep Paul alive, up until the end when he hints he's got an agenda.

Thanks for the kind and accurate judgery, as always!


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## alanmt (Apr 1, 2013)

Congrats, Lasm and ppsage, great stories! Thank you judges, for the difficult but hopefully fun job. I am pleasantly surprised to round out the top three. I loved the picture series that was the prompt, but as a writer, I actually found it a bit limiting. Then when I read the other entries I decided that the problem might be my lack of creativity. 

leyline: Glad you liked (most of) it. I probably spent more historical research time per word count than in many of my longer stuff, making sure I had officer titles for Scotland Yard that were appropriate for the period, incorporating bits of info true to the nature of the late Victorian spiritualist movement which was at its height then, and so on. The ending is a bit abrupt and unsatisfying, although it seemed consistent with some of the horror stories of that period. I had considered having the narrator see the spirit of someone he had killed come through and end with him racing the spirit back to the little room, but it seemed too formulaic and not in keeping with the flavor.

moderan: thanks for the 20! I actually was thinking of Conan Doyle's Tales of Terror and Mystery for inspiration and style as I wrote this. I have a copy in my library but haven't read it for over a decade. You and leyline are right.  Clearly, this piece would work better as the opening for a longer story than as a standalone.

staff deployment: I am glad you liked what you liked, and gratefully acknowledge your pointing out where things didn't work. Character development/presentation did yield to story, and I could have done a better job juxtaposing the narrator's urgency against the drab lifelessness of the world in between. The reference to the furies was actually a bit of period slang. Those Victorians, even their slang seems stilted and proper.

Thanks!


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## NathanBrazil (Apr 1, 2013)

Congrats to Lasm, Ppsage and Alanmt.   Thanks to all the judges for taking the time to read and crit *seventeen *prompts.   Wow, I had no idea there were that many.


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## bazz cargo (Apr 1, 2013)

A big THANK YOU to Judges, Fin,  Leyline, Moderan, and Staff Deployment for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Thanks also goes out to Jon M for the suggested prompt.

Congratulations to  Alanmt, ppsage, and lasm. A trio of greats.:flower:

To the rest of the competitors I say; well done for taking part, everyone is a winner.:star:

Once again I register as Mr Average.  

Hi Leyline, thank you for your kind words. I see what you mean, and believe me I was concerned the big chunk of explanation that was left unposted might have been missed more than it was.

 It was remarkably tough to come up with something light-hearted. And the competition this time was of an incredibly high standard. You had a difficult time on this one and I appreciate your candour.  

 Hi Staffdeployment, Thank you for your pointers. The er... no regard for physics and total disregard for the basic fundamentals has been my staple sci fi diet. The  guide I have used is 'life experience.' It is remarkable how our physical existence is governed by preconceptions and prejudices.

 I like to think the prompt was wall adhered to. Time lapse and multiple exposure. The theme of my tale. And yes I do favour a flat delivery, more documentary style rather than poetic. I'm hanging out in poets corner for some tips.

Hi Moderen, stand by for some quibbles. I'm glad you spotted the nerd jokes. The nods to some of our classic writers. _ Reginald Bretnor and RA Lafferty, if crossed with Rudy Rucker_. I will have to look them up. I was aiming for R A Heinlein and his Universe As Myth. I grok you have a deep and wide understanding of this particular genre which gives you an edge when writing. You are definitely overestimating my experience in the field.  

 To all:
 I've had a blast at this one. Roll on the next.


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## Lewdog (Apr 1, 2013)

Congrats to the winners, and thanks to the judges for taking their time to do the contest.  I definitely thought my score was more than 9 worthy...X\'D


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## moderan (Apr 1, 2013)

Bazz..I guaraneffintee you will love those writers' works when you find them. Bretnor wrote Papa Schimmelhorn's adventures. Rudy Rucker is a mathematician and a humorist who specializes in tales of our cybernetic and chemical future. Lafferty was Lafferty. I'm sure brother Leyline will concur. I got that you were aiming for Heinlein but your humor is more Kuttner than RAH. The thing is, there aren't a great many sf humorists. If you can develop, you can sell your work. F&SF in particular isn't so choosy about the rubber science, as a matter of editorial policy. That's where I read Bretnor first, and Isidore Haiblum, and Goulart. All of them guys are funnier than Doug Adams at his best.
Allen, you deserved the high mark, imo. The tale is slight but can expand with a little work. The tone is perfect. It's Victorian rather than Edwardian and completely works for me.
lasm...I do enjoy your work, in toto, but I have to take this story by story. You definitely have a future, if you wish to go that way, in the Wilhelm/LeGuin vein. At worst you're Margaret Atwood, who uses the tropes and doesn't bite as deeply into the flesh of the specfic world. I do grok that you have a keen understanding of story and I hope to see an extended work sometime.
And Lew-your grasp of story mechanics improves with each story. I can see the progression.
Most of the writers in this round are still kind of searching for your "voices". I look forward to you getting that right, to your satisfaction.


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## bazz cargo (Apr 1, 2013)

> Most of the writers in this round are still kind of searching for your "voices"


 Try down the back of the sofa.



> I got that you were aiming for Heinlein


Success!!!!



> there aren't a great many sf humorists.


I take my many hats off to them. It is a tough gig.

I may have to subscribe to F&SF. 

I must express my appreciation of all your hard work, thoughtful kindness and encouragement. THANK YOU!!!!!


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## moderan (Apr 1, 2013)

bazz cargo said:


> I take my many hats off to them. It is a tough gig.
> 
> I may have to subscribe to F&SF.
> 
> I must express my appreciation of all your hard work, thoughtful kindness and encouragement. THANK YOU!!!!!


That's why there aren't so many. And you're welcome.
My subscription is entering its 37th year. Some of the best stories I've ever read (John Varley's "In the Hall of the Martian Kings", Edward Bryant's "Stone". Bob Shaw's "Dream Fighter", Harlan Ellison "Jeffty is Five" are prime examples) come from that magazine-my favorite of the "slicks".


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## Jon M (Apr 1, 2013)

.


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## Sunny (Apr 1, 2013)

Thank you judges for taking _your _time to score and critique my story. _All_ of these stories, really. There were so many. 

Sometimes it's the LM's that get me motivated to write when I find I don't make the time to do it so much anymore. So, I'm glad that we have this here for us (me) to take advantage of. 

I'm still learning the art of writing such short fiction (and longer too!). I like to blabber on, so it's difficult to fit everything that I want to say into 650 words. 

Thanks again. I appreciate your time. I hope one day I feel qualified enough to judge an LM and give back some of my personal time and maybe even some encouragement to another writer.


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## Staff Deployment (Apr 1, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> Congrats to the winners, and thanks to the judges for taking their time to do the contest.  I definitely thought my score was more than 9 worthy...X\'D



Aww... I'm sorry, Lewdog... It was mainly because of superficial reasons, i.e. the misquoting of the eponymous song and the it-was-all-a-dream ending. I was disappointed because you're a very thoughtful and deliberate writer with a lot of potential.

On an unrelated note, _oh my god my closing statement, why did I write that, what does 'skippery' even mean oh god_


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## Lewdog (Apr 1, 2013)

Staff Deployment said:


> Aww... I'm sorry, Lewdog... It was mainly because of superficial reasons, i.e. the misquoting of the eponymous song and the it-was-all-a-dream ending. I was disappointed because you're a very thoughtful and deliberate writer with a lot of potential.
> 
> On an unrelated note, _oh my god my closing statement, why did I write that, what does 'skippery' even mean oh god_



You just won't be getting a fruit cake for Christmas, no biggie.


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## ppsage (Apr 1, 2013)

It's certainly the case that live judges offering scoring and critique are a primary reason for the strength of the LM Challenge. Volunteer administration is also an essential. Given a pool of approximately 20 participants, and these five needed positions, simple arithmetic dictates that responsible citizenship consists in coming forward to serve the commonweal at least three times in a year, or once for every three times entering. While we certainly appreciate any who make this basic contribution, there exist those who give far beyond their share. These allow leeway for new volunteers to be bloodied and provide a firm foundation on which to move forward. To them we offer our special commendation. In appreciation, pp.


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## Leyline (Apr 2, 2013)

lasm said:


> Leyline, glad you liked this so much--Paul has actually killed his mother. Interesting that the doctor seemed clearly evil to you (and to SD), I thought I was presenting him as relatively benign, just trying to keep Paul alive, up until the end when he hints he's got an agenda.



Well, I was pretty certain this was tied into _Laser Lady's Grand Opus Of Fantabulous Futurosity_, and -- with that in mind, having read _Prog 1_ not too terribly long before -- I thought the guy sounded a little...familiar.

Even more fun, I was earlier (finally, I know. Apologies!) reading_ Prog 2_ when I hit a certain part and smiled. Even more connected than I figured.  I'll comment soon, btw.


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## Cheid (Apr 2, 2013)

Big thank you to the judges and congrats to lasm :cheers:

Staff, thank you for your in depth analysis of what worked and what didn't.  The numbers in the beginning were all there to covey the end times and are all biblical numerology references.  I agree that the shift from the focus on them to an unreliable sense of time is jarring, but I was trying to show the narrator slipping away and loosing his grip on reality.  Any idea how I could better convey this?

For those who don't want to look up the numbers:
639 = the devil assulting heaven
3 = the holy trinity
6 = the devil
9 = a trinity of trinity's (3x3) aka God himself

27 = a trinity of 9 (3x3x3) God's army during the end times.

and conveniently enough 666 (the mark of the beast) - 27 = 639


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## FleshEater (Apr 2, 2013)

Congratulations to the winners, and thank you judges!

Leyline, I'm glad you liked my story as it was. I know it was short, and this piece was not up to my standard of writing. Honestly, I drew a blank when it came to building more of a story. Also, I wanted to take that one awkward comma out, but forgot.

Moderan, are you sure you scored mine appropriately? Your comments don't reflect the 18.

Staff Deployment, I don't know what to say about scoring my piece on principal, or having an issue with the title. Thanks, I guess. 

In this piece I kept the inner monologue brief, because had he thought all this out, I don't think he would have done it. I know two people who have committed suicide...and I don't think they thought about much before hand. Logic and reason would have saved them, I'd imagine.


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## moderan (Apr 2, 2013)

Yes. As has been noted many times, my scores tend to the high side. A writer gets 15 points for taking the time to write a piece;I work with the other five.


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## Leyline (Apr 2, 2013)

FleshEater said:


> Congratulations to the winners, and thank you judges!
> 
> Leyline, I'm glad you liked my story as it was. I know it was short, and this piece was not up to my standard of writing. Honestly, I drew a blank when it came to building more of a story. Also, I wanted to take that one awkward comma out, but forgot.



I found the standard of writing quite high, to the point where I wanted you to take advantage of the remaining words and let me get to know this character a bit more. Even if the 'argument' against dying were simply more flashes of memory from better times like those that come to him in his last moments. You're really growing in skill at putting across emotion, and I've seen you do it with extreme subtlety and (as here) blatantly and raw. You also seem to have the knack of knowing what tone fits the situation.



> In this piece I kept the inner monologue brief, because had he thought all this out, I don't think he would have done it. I know two people who have committed suicide...and I don't think they thought about much before hand. Logic and reason would have saved them, I'd imagine.



Very good point, and a valid story decision of course. I guess I don't want to see logic and reason save the MC, just to see a bit of the struggle! 

-G.


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## Leyline (Apr 2, 2013)

alanmt said:


> leyline: Glad you liked (most of) it. I probably spent more historical research time per word count than in many of my longer stuff, making sure I had officer titles for Scotland Yard that were appropriate for the period, incorporating bits of info true to the nature of the late Victorian spiritualist movement which was at its height then, and so on. The ending is a bit abrupt and unsatisfying, although it seemed consistent with some of the horror stories of that period. I had considered having the narrator see the spirit of someone he had killed come through and end with him racing the spirit back to the little room, but it seemed too formulaic and not in keeping with the flavor.



Oh, I liked all of it, actually, and quite a bit. My score is mainly in effect, and being left hanging was so disappointing only because I really bought into and enjoyed the world and character you created. Even as simple and ending as you mention would have give me that sense of closure I was looking for. Otherwise, I think you have a story idea of huge potential, here, this the prelude or frame story of a longer and wilder adventure. If you could sustain that tone and energy (and research! Haha) to novel length, I think you might have something special.


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## Staff Deployment (Apr 2, 2013)

Cheid said:


> For those who don't want to look up the numbers:
> 639 = the devil assulting heaven
> 3 = the holy trinity
> 6 = the devil
> ...



And if you divide 666 by 11 (eleven being 6 (the devil) plus 5 (the number of male figures in Jesus' manger)) you get:
*60.545454* (repeating)
Five is the number of male figures in Jesus' manger and 4 is the number of horsemen of the apocalypse. The infinite repetition symbolizes the eternal transition between Jesus' abandonment of this mortal realm and his rebirth.
oh yeah and sixty is like, i dunno, sixty seconds or something
[/not serious]



FleshEater said:


> ...having an issue with the title...



Serious talk. "Coming Home" as the title of a suicide piece carries the (probably unintended) implication that death is preferable to life, and that the narrator's suicide is a journey to a comfortable place. That's... really really bad. But again, the title wasn't very important.

EDIT: Also, probably not a wise thing to discuss, especially given the supposed casual and friendly nature of the LM. Allow me to change the subject.

I expected a very narrow range of entries because of the distinctiveness of the prompt, but in fact most interpreted the prompt in a very unique and personal way. I think that was great.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Apr 2, 2013)

Leyline said:


> Well, I was pretty certain this was tied into _Laser Lady's Grand Opus Of Fantabulous Futurosity_, and -- with that in mind, having read _Prog 1_ not too terribly long before -- I thought the guy sounded a little...familiar.
> 
> Even more fun, I was earlier (finally, I know. Apologies!) reading_ Prog 2_ when I hit a certain part and smiled. Even more connected than I figured.  I'll comment soon, btw.


Oh hey, you know I've been needing a title?  Yes, this is back story for the two doctors. Of course I'd love to have your thoughts on that piece whenever you have the time and energy, but I understand it's a long excerpt and there is life to be lead, work to do, etc.


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## spartan928 (Apr 2, 2013)

Congrats to the winners. Excellent stories. Kudos in particular to lasm for her win. Just great writing in general. Appreciate the feedback

Fin - couldn't see your comments.

Leyline - thanks for the compliments and spot on with the climax critique. I got more into the aspect of his hallucination and kind of fizzled creatively with the outcome which i should have focused some attention to.

Moderan - Thanks, I agree the ending was weak, too cliche. Your remarks are precise. Still working on the craft of the story. A writing toddler still learning to walk then run. Not sure what you mean by "a couple more Mikes". 

Staff deployment - Thanks for the encouraging remarks. I enjoyed the crafting of words in this but weakly overlooked some story design that could have strengthened it. Next time!

Fourth place. What the heck, it's the best I've done so far and it's cool throwing my hat in the ring.
...sorry, more cliches. I promise to stop now.


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## moderan (Apr 2, 2013)

More micrograms. Pour on the surreality. Do some more acid, man. Think way outside the box. Think the box is an egg or melted or something.


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## FleshEater (Apr 2, 2013)

moderan said:


> Yes. As has been noted many times, my scores tend to the high side. A writer gets 15 points for taking the time to write a piece;I work with the other five.



I can get behind this, ha-ha! 



Leyline said:


> I found the standard of writing quite high, to the point where I wanted you to take advantage of the remaining words and let me get to know this character a bit more. Even if the 'argument' against dying were simply more flashes of memory from better times like those that come to him in his last moments. You're really growing in skill at putting across emotion, and I've seen you do it with extreme subtlety and (as here) blatantly and raw. You also seem to have the knack of knowing what tone fits the situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow...thanks for the ego boost! That means a lot coming from you Leyline...I greatly appreciate your kind words.

I think I struggled with what else to add to this story, and I see what you're saying. Maybe I was afraid of being too repetitve? I don't know, whatever it was, I should have ignored it, ha-ha!


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## FleshEater (Apr 2, 2013)

Staff Deployment said:


> Serious talk. "Coming Home" as the title of a suicide piece carries the (probably unintended) implication that death is preferable to life, and that the narrator's suicide is a journey to a comfortable place. That's... really really bad. But again, the title wasn't very important.
> 
> EDIT: Also, probably not a wise thing to discuss, especially given the supposed casual and friendly nature of the LM. Allow me to change the subject.
> 
> I expected a very narrow range of entries because of the distinctiveness of the prompt, but in fact most interpreted the prompt in a very unique and personal way. I think that was great.



Well, the title was more of a reflection of his everyday life; coming home to an empty house. With your strong comment regarding principle I guess I expected a ten if it aroused enough emotion in you to get, I don't know, offended or something. But whatever, to each their own.


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## Rustgold (Apr 4, 2013)

Quote Leyline


> No discernable character, no action, no narrative motion, no conflict or drama. It's just some atmospheric environmental description and a series of unanswered questions.


It's how the piece was supposed to be, and simply wouldn't have worked attempting to put action into it.  This said, it did miss that little something to bring it above average 



> and the only SpaG problem was 'being' for 'begin' used twice


I wonder if I would have picked that up if I waited several days before posting.

Quote Moderan


> The thing was readable, just not of the championship quality.


Agreed.

 Quote Staff Deployment


> In such a short piece it's imperative that every line be objectively well-crafted, and you achieved this. Even though I wasn't always a fan of the tone you were going for, it was consistent and interesting throughout, and that's really what matters in the end. Selon moi, évidemment.


I did think about puffing up the wordcount, but I'm sure I would have lost these qualities in the piece.




Thx all for the reviews.


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## Rustgold (Apr 4, 2013)

moderan said:


> Yes. As has been noted many times, my scores tend to the high side. A writer gets 15 points for taking the time to write a piece;I work with the other five.


I don't know what others think, but for me, I'd find 75% just for participating a bit like being in government run kindergarden.  If you want to be encouraging, may I suggest a lower starting point? maybe 6-7; after all, a piece should surely get into double digits.


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## bazz cargo (Apr 4, 2013)

> government run kindergarden.


Don't worry, some big kid will push you over in the playground.


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## moderan (Apr 4, 2013)

Rustgold said:


> I don't know what others think, but for me, I'd find 75% just for participating a bit like being in government run kindergarden.  If you want to be encouraging, may I suggest a lower starting point? maybe 6-7; after all, a piece should surely get into double digits.


You can suggest it but it's unlikely. As a tradeoff, you get surly critiques.


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