# The Downward Spiral



## Pidgeon84 (May 14, 2014)

So I was sitting in my car in the most god awful jam, I'm sucking on my hookah pen like it's going out of style, and I am just staring out the window completely fried. Overloaded. The past 2 months just hit me square in the temple. I was fine before. Maybe a little stressed but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm a pretty chill lassie, deal with stress well, but every once in a while I fall down the stairs. Not like normal stairs but like the never ending stairs from that one painting. Yeah, you know the one. Anyways, to lead up to my week so far I need to sum up the past couple months.

So in march I got laid off of work. Which wasn't that bad, good even. I've got my last couple checks and my tax returns coming. I'll take some time off. Month one is great. Friends, music, video games, sleeping in. I'm in heaven. Month two. I'm running out of cash, on to the job hunt. For some reason I'm getting turned down for jobs. Turns out one of my references is giving me a bad reference. So month two down, no cash, rent due. I basically am stuck in the house the whole month because I can't afford the gas. Which brings me to this week. I'm forced to take a job with a friends dad to make rent, late even. Its not my usual line of work which I'm unfond of enough. Now I go in to this place where I'm clueless. At least I was good at what I did before. Not so much here.

So I'm sitting in my car and I just start on this downward spiral (as I've been known to do). It goes basically like this:

"Oh God,  I hate my new job, I'm no good at it. Rent is due, lease is almost up. What am I going to do about this? How am I going to get out of this job? How am I going to to go back to school? How am I going to start my transition (hormone treatment)? Everything I want in life is so far away right now. What if I get stuck in this job? Will I be one of those grumpy old people who hate their job and regret not making more of life. What the fuck do I do next?!"

So that was my... more than a week. It was important that I vent that last part cause it was really eating at me. I know these are all kind of self imposed problems but I still needed to bitch about it.


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## Mistique (May 14, 2014)

Sorry you've been having a rough time, but i know how much venting can help so a good thing you did.

*gives a hug*


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## Pandora (May 14, 2014)

An interesting rant, controlled build up, background, I began feeling helpless, I could relate because of someone very close to me. He is not a believer so I go back to before I had God with me. I see now I had a voice within me to answer all the questions. Deep down I had faith in myself. I was my own best friend, maybe my only best friend. 

I will say you have your freedom no matter how trapped you might feel. Rocks and a hard place leave some wiggle room. The loss of freedom of choice by far is the worst place to be. 

You are resourceful, bright, in the moment what is lost in a rant is appreciation and thankfulness. When you gather that everything looks and feels better. I hope it does and you do now. You are special and have a long way to go, how wonderful is that.


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## Pidgeon84 (May 14, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Sorry you've been having a rough time, but i know how much venting can help so a good thing you did.
> 
> *gives a hug*



Catharsis really is a powerful tool. Normally I do it through writing but it didn't really work out. Anyways I read yours the other day and I think you need this hug more than I do  *hugs back*



Pandora said:


> An interesting rant, controlled build up, background, I began feeling helpless, I could relate because of someone very close to me. He is not a believer so I go back to before I had God with me. I see now I had a voice within me to answer all the questions. Deep down I had faith in myself. I was my own best friend, maybe my only best friend.
> 
> I will say you have your freedom no matter how trapped you might feel. Rocks and a hard place leave some wiggle room. The loss of freedom of choice by far is the worst place to be.
> 
> You are resourceful, bright, in the moment what is lost in a rant is appreciation and thankfulness. When you gather that everything looks and feels better. I hope it does and you do now. You are special and have a long way to go, how wonderful is that.



Losing your options in life is really hard. Though thankfully it should only be temporary. I have to constantly remind myself that I have a lot of life in front of me (knock on wood!). Things don't need to happen immediately. Its hard though because I am rather impatient. Especially with the hormone therapy. I really wish I could start that now.


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## Pandora (May 14, 2014)

Pidgeon84 said:


> Its hard though because I am rather impatient. Especially with the hormone therapy. I really wish I could start that now.


I understand, as a young woman I was impatient and impulsive, not a great combo. I still have some of all that inside. I don't know why but I always hear the Wicked Witch of the West in my head saying, "all in good time my precious, all in good time." And it all works out, thanks to Glinda, of course. We all got some Glinda in us too. I hope all your hopes and wishes come true. Good luck! that can't hurt either.


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## dale (May 14, 2014)

great CD. i used to get blasted out on speed and sit in the dark with a candle lit and just skirt the depths listening to it.

[video=youtube;n5lQwJqrjkM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5lQwJqrjkM[/video]


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## Pidgeon84 (May 14, 2014)

Pandora said:


> I understand, as a young woman I was impatient and impulsive, not a great combo. I still have some of all that inside. I don't know why but I always hear the Wicked Witch of the West in my head saying, "all in good time my precious, all in good time." And it all works out, thanks to Glinda, of course. We all got some Glinda in us too. I hope all your hopes and wishes come true. Good luck! that can't hurt either.



If there's anything I've learned over time it's that time heals all wounds. 




dale said:


> great CD. i used to get blasted out on speed and sit in the dark with a candle lit and just skirt the depths listening to it.
> 
> [video=youtube;n5lQwJqrjkM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5lQwJqrjkM[/video]



Lol when I posted this I was like "I hope nobody thinks I'm just apeing off NIN.


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## Mistique (May 14, 2014)

Well, it don't really matter who needs hugs more, there are plenty to go around


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 14, 2014)

Well, that was an interesting read, I liked the rambling, love it when people besides me do it. Kind-of reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson for some reason. God, I like how he writes. I wish he did something besides sports journalism. I don't like sports. Anyway, yeah, best of luck to you! Hope you get back on your feet, sincerely.


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## Pidgeon84 (May 14, 2014)

Nicholas McConnaughay said:


> Well, that was an interesting read, I liked the rambling, love it when people besides me do it. Kind-of reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson for some reason. God, I like how he writes. I wish he did something besides sports journalism. I don't like sports. Anyway, yeah, best of luck to you! Hope you get back on your feet, sincerely.



Hunter S. Thompson? Maybe I should randomly ramble more often!


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## Guy Faukes (May 15, 2014)

I'd recommend doing mindfulness meditation. It helps you endure your emotions and not get too carried away by incessant worries.


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## Blade (May 15, 2014)

Pidgeon84 said:


> Hunter S. Thompson? Maybe I should randomly ramble more often!



It is worth a try.:eagerness: You might not get the most polished or even coherent results but it can bring out a lot of powerful material. Sometimes being conventional is just like running on a Hamster wheel.:blue:


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## dither (May 15, 2014)

Blade said:


> being conventional is just like running on a Hamster wheel.:blue:



Don't i know it.:dejection:


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## Mistique (May 15, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> I'd recommend doing mindfulness meditation. It helps you endure your emotions and not get too carried away by incessant worries.



Mindfulness? Do you have personal experience with that?


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## Gumby (May 15, 2014)

That's a rough few months, Pidgeon. Sorry to hear about your troubles and I do hope they don't feel quite so overwhelming now that you've shared them with your cyber friends, here. I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but it's something that I've learned over the years. 

When you're young it's much harder to see the bigger picture, beyond the things that are bad in your life. I've been there and done that enough times to know that it doesn't do squat for you. One of the big benefits that come with age is perspective and it doesn't come cheap. 

Don't get me wrong, I still can fall into that spiral for a few moments now and then, but on the whole, the years have taught me to start looking to the things that are good and right in my life rather than the bad. There will always be bad, just as there is always good, so why harm yourself and increase the feeling that you are circling the drain? From your above post I can see some positives, such as, you seem to have your health and a future in which you will finally feel more at home in your body, you have a place to live, you have a car, you have a friend who has a kind dad who can offer you some form of employment. These are all good things to have. Not what you want, I know, but it's a start and a way of seeing the positives that are always present, though you may have to push aside a lot of crap to see them.


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## Guy Faukes (May 15, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Mindfulness? Do you have personal experience with that?



Yeah, I do it every now and then. Our brain likes to pick apart and critique our emotional responses. While it's normal, it can be problematic, particularly with anxiety were one ruminates constantly over a particular issue. It took me awhile to get used to and the benefits took time as well. I perceive my emotions are perceived more honestly, as emotions rather than cues in which you have to enact some particular behavior. Hard emotions are still difficult, but with some of them, I perceive them more like a torrential river roaring beside you, rather than carrying you away. By applying the principles during a difficult time, like a family issue, I've gained more insight and learned more about myself during such.


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## Mistique (May 15, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> Yeah, I do it every now and then. Our brain likes to pick apart and critique our emotional responses. While it's normal, it can be problematic, particularly with anxiety were one ruminates constantly over a particular issue. It took me awhile to get used to and the benefits took time as well. I perceive my emotions are perceived more honestly, as emotions rather than cues in which you have to enact some particular behavior. Hard emotions are still difficult, but with some of them, I perceive them more like a torrential river roaring beside you, rather than carrying you away. By applying the principles during a difficult time, like a family issue, I've gained more insight and learned more about myself during such.



That sounds quite good. I've been trying mindfullness myself, but I am struggling with it. Do you mind if I PM you to pick your brain about it a bit?


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## Guy Faukes (May 15, 2014)

Mistique said:


> That sounds quite good. I've been trying mindfullness myself, but I am struggling with it. Do you mind if I PM you to pick your brain about it a bit?



Yeah, it definitely takes practice and persistence. I've practiced it for a few years and am by no means an expert, but feel free to ask away.


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## Plasticweld (May 15, 2014)

I can only share that each new venture has started out with the failure of the old one.  As a businessman I have failed many times, I have also succeeded.  

If I was successful at the very first thing I did, I would still be there, " Dairy Farmer" working 7 days a week 12 plus hours a day.  I was heart broken when I failed.  I thank God that I did fail at that 35 years ago. 

Character and grit are built into a person when they over comes obstacles, it is never on a warm sunny day when things go perfect. It does sound like you have your head on straight just going through some tough times, you are not the only one, we all have had to struggle at one time or another.. It always sucks but just look for the light at the end of the tunnel. You are only beaten when you fail to see the light


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## Pidgeon84 (May 16, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> I'd recommend doing mindfulness meditation. It helps you endure your emotions and not get too carried away by incessant worries.



Its funny you'd bring that up. I was just looking into different forms of meditation. 



Gumby said:


> When you're young it's much harder to see the bigger picture, beyond the things that are bad in your life. I've been there and done that enough times to know that it doesn't do squat for you. One of the big benefits that come with age is perspective and it doesn't come cheap.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I still can fall into that spiral for a few moments now and then, but on the whole, the years have taught me to start looking to the things that are good and right in my life rather than the bad. There will always be bad, just as there is always good, so why harm yourself and increase the feeling that you are circling the drain? From your above post I can see some positives, such as, you seem to have your health and a future in which you will finally feel more at home in your body, you have a place to live, you have a car, you have a friend who has a kind dad who can offer you some form of employment. These are all good things to have. Not what you want, I know, but it's a start and a way of seeing the positives that are always present, though you may have to push aside a lot of crap to see them.



Normally I'm pretty good at looking past things and focussing on the positives, but this stuff just really slapped me across the face. Maybe its just more than I'm used to handling. Thats a good list of positives though. Guess I hadn't really thought about them.



Plasticweld said:


> I can only share that each new venture has started out with the failure of the old one.  As a businessman I have failed many times, I have also succeeded.
> 
> If I was successful at the very first thing I did, I would still be there, " Dairy Farmer" working 7 days a week 12 plus hours a day.  I was heart broken when I failed.  I thank God that I did fail at that 35 years ago.
> 
> Character and grit are built into a person when they over comes obstacles, it is never on a warm sunny day when things go perfect. It does sound like you have your head on straight just going through some tough times, you are not the only one, we all have had to struggle at one time or another.. It always sucks but just look for the light at the end of the tunnel. You are only beaten when you fail to see the light



That first quote is brilliant. Its something I really believe in and often talk about. I went to broadcasting school and it didn't work out. It sucked at the time but I'm glad to have the experience but I'm also glad it didn't work. Cause my dreams are in a different place now.


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## escorial (May 16, 2014)

i get the feeling your more focused than most.


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