# 26/6/12 - Picture Prompt - Scores!



## Potty (Jun 26, 2012)

Sorry for the delay in getting these out everyone. We've had a bit of a problem, AvA seems to have suffered some sort of real life issue which has taken him away from the forums. Needless to say I was unable to get his scores before he vanished. So this time there will only be three sets of scores for this competition which has given us a strange outcome for the winners. Sorry for any trouble!

(As always, please let me know if I've got these wrong!)

*Garza: *16 + 15.5 + 18 = *16.5
Terry D: *15 + 18.5 + 19 = *17.5*
*LaughinJim:* 12 + 18 + 17 = *15.7*
*Taknovrthewrld:* 18.5 + 16 + 18 = *17.5
Bazz Cargo:* *Unscored
spartan928:* 14 + 16 + 17 = *15.7*
*rubisco:* 15 + 18.5 + 16 = *16.5
Skodt:* 15 + 15.5 + 18 = *16.17*
*Fire525:* 11 + 16 + 14 = *13.67
*
So please hammer your space bar repeatedly for the following winners!

1st Place: Terry D and Taknovrthewrld
2nd Place: Garza and rubisco
3rd Place: Skodt



*Judges Comments!*

*Fin's Comments:*

*Garza - Mike and Bernie*
Spelling/Grammar: [4/5]
Tone/Voice: [4/5]
Effect: [8/10]
Overall: *16*

All dialogue and only two speech indicators, yet you still managed to get a story across. I didn't have a single problem following the person speaking either. I didn't have a clue as to what the setting was until the bench was mentioned a quarter of the way through though. But when it was, it gave me enough freedom to make up the rest of the scene myself. Two old friends having a casual conversation, and I enjoyed it.

I love a good twist on a prompt. I ask for a puppet, you give me a human. Mike felt more alive than Bernie to me. A lot more interesting. It made me want to know more about him. Bernie seemed like he was there just because it'd seem odd to have Mike speaking to himself, and for me, that's just fine.

Inconsistent line breaks, but I won't take off for those. The website's formatting is a little iffy. Watch it in the future though.

Thanks for entering this. 
-Fin

---

*Terry D - Strings*
Spelling/Grammar: [4/5]
Tone/Voice: [4/5]
Effect: [7/10]
Overall: *15*

Interesting take on the prompt. It was certainly different. I admit, I was a bit slow and had to read it twice to get what happened.

The only thing I'm a little torn on is the child's disease. There was either too little emphasis on it, or just enough. As it is now, the fact that he had a disease can be easily overlooked. At the same time, you used just the right words to show something was wrong with him. When the child died, it wasn't something I was sad about. It was more of a 'What just happened?' type of thing. I felt that maybe it would have had a better effect if I saw it coming.

I enjoyed it. The picture was pleasant and clear. I liked everything you made the marionette stand for. I felt like the question in the first paragraph would have been stronger if changed to a statement, but it's personal preference I suppose. I enjoyed the brief encounter with the child, and the overall attitude of the father. I'm impressed that you kept the tense consistent, even with the change.

"Time changes nothing except frequency." I loved that line.

Thanks for the read.
-Fin

---

*LaughinJim - The Puppeteer: A Cop's Tale*
Spelling/Grammar: [3/5]
Tone/Voice: [3/5]
Effect: [6/10]
Overall: *12*

Your writing style is interesting and unique. 

It's a good story, but I feel like it had the potential to be a lot more. It appears you did just enough so that it qualified for the prompt, and nothing more. I didn't feel any of the Captain's agony. I understood that what the Puppeteer did was bad, but I just didn't connect all that much. You did a good job painting the picture in my head though. I felt like I was walking through the whole thing with the Captain as if I was his partner, so that's good. 

I don't regret reading it, so thanks for entering it. The Puppeteer was my favorite character. Hope that doesn't make me evil.
-Fin

---

*Bazz Cargo - Marion Etting*
Judges Entry

The story had me smiling before I started reading. I love the title.

You have both spelling and grammar issues in there, Bazz. I'm pretty sure they were overlooked and not intentional, so that's not a huge problem. There aren't even a lot. But weed through this thing in the future. If this weren't a judge’s entry, it would have seriously saddened me to mark you down for spelling and grammar.

I enjoyed the story though. Towards the end I was thinking, 'what on earth are they talking about?' but it worked itself out. I love your take on the prompt. It's an extremely simple story but I really liked it. Had me smiling the majority of the way through.

Thank you for the read. Stories like this make it a pleasure to be a judge.
-Fin

---

*Taknovrthewrld - Dead Marionette*
Spelling/Grammar: [3.5/5]
Tone/Voice: [5/5]
Effect: [10/10]
Overall: *18.5*

Ah, another story that had me smiling from the beginning. I love diary stories. This one was no exception. I don't have any complaints. It gave me chills once I found out that she actually was Marion. I didn't see it coming at all. I really enjoyed the ending. Loved the take on the prompt.

Few mistakes kept you from scoring higher on the spelling and grammar part. Such as "you're" instead of "your."

Otherwise, I love it all. Thank you.
-Fin

---

*Spartan928 - Yes, Dear*
Spelling/Grammar: [2/5]
Tone/Voice: [4/5]
Effect: [8/10]
Overall: *14*

I don't know where you're from, so excuse me if this is the correct thing for your country. But ease up on the spacing before punctuation. Example: "let's get going !" The punctuation should be connected. "let's get going!" There are a few other errors. Missing letters and the spacing isn’t all consistent.

As for the story, I enjoyed it. The ending was great. Gave me chills. I felt Harold's pain; Mildred was so dang annoying. I almost wanted to kill her myself. Lucky for me, I don't have to get my hands dirty, as Harold will do it for me. 

You were great in giving the characters a real personality in such a short amount of time. More than anything in your story, I'm impressed with how you did Harold. All he said was 'Yes, dear,' yet I got a great sense of who he was. You did a fantastic job with that.

Pains me to have to mark you down for the grammar and spelling, as I really enjoyed the story. Weed through it in the future to avoid that problem. 

Thanks for the read.
-Fin

---

*Rubisco - The Hero of Thresh*
Spelling/Grammar: [3/5]
Tone/Voice: [3/5]
Effect: [9/10]
Overall: *15*

"What the eff is Zeus's problem?" is the question I asked myself when I finished reading. He didn't kill the mosquito, he didn't save his brother, he didn't do _anything._ The character didn't make an ounce of sense to me! He started to pick up his foot, but he stopped and let his brother die because he wondered how the dragon would feel? What?! _Who_ is this puppet master Zeus refers to? I dislike this character very much. He's like the anti-hero. The title! _The Hero of Thresh._ What?! There was no hero!

I'm impressed that you created a world in under 650 words. Despite my hatred for Zeus, I enjoyed the story. I liked the image I got from it. I liked Sam much more than his brother.

You over-used some of their names. You don't need to mention them as much as you did. At some point, we get who you're talking about. Example: A mosquito landed on Zeus, Zeus grimaced as the mosquito had its fill and then flew off. 

Please avoid sentences like this in the future: Airthorn snorted a snort of contempt as he saw Sam stumble his way.

Interesting take on the prompt, even if Zeus _did_ annoy me. That paranoid, annoying, useless...oh, let me stop. See what you did to me?

Thanks for the read, it _clearly_ had an effect on me.
-Fin

---

*Skodt - Piano Man Play Me A Tune*
Spelling/Grammar: [3/5]
Tone/Voice: [4/5]
Effect: [8/10]
Overall: *15*

What a creepy story.

First off, as a person who loves humanities, I feel the need to point this out. You spelled Michelangelo's name wrong! I almost feel insulted!

Anyway, down to business. Your punctuation was a little off. Some run-on sentences. You got 'to' and 'too' mixed up twice in your second to last sentence. Your writing style is also different from what I usually see. There are some really odd sentences in there that I don't get. Example: If he was but a little younger he would say. - - - What does that even refer to?

As for the story itself. . .Like I said; creepy! Definitely the creepiest entry here for me. This guy is so weird. He has some serious problems. I like him. I like the story. You painted a pretty good picture in my mind.

Thanks for the read.
-Fin

---

*Fire525 - Painted Face*
Spelling/Grammar: [3/5]
Tone/Voice: [3/5]
Effect: [5/10]
Overall: *11*

So confused. So very confused. I didn't connect to anyone or anything while reading this story. All I got out of it was that the enemy was controlling a character's body. I truthfully feel bad for not being able to completely get what was going on. I even read it three times. I'm sorry.

You did paint a really good picture in my mind though. You did great with the scenery. I loved that they could move things around with their hands without touching them. I feel like the story line was good, but that I just wasn't able to connect with it. It seems like your story needed a lot more time to get in to, and it's unfortunate that the word limit doesn't allow it. It's certainly a unique and pretty awesome way to respond to the prompt though.

Again, really sorry.
-Fin
​
*Kyle's Comments:*

*"Mike and Bernie" by garza
*
Total: 15.5

SPAG: 4
... Just one minor error with "teen-ager", which should be one word.

TONE AND VOICE: 3.5
... I've gotten used to your sparse narrative style. You seem to excel at writing dialogue, but it still leaves something to be desired as far as setting and description goes. I'd like to see you do exercise those other aspects of a scene as well, sometime. But what you do, you do very well.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4
... Mike comes to an insightful epiphany about himself. It fits perfectly with the theme and is executed well and in character. It's an interesting philosophical perspective to think about. Good stuff.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4
... The lack of physicality (description, setting, movement) decreased my overall enjoyment of this piece slightly. But I did like the conversation and felt it was written very well, and humorous.
Overall this was a good piece. I liked it, especially the perfect timing of your humor. I hope you branch out a bit more, stretch your legs, so to say, to find the value of the narrative aspects of fiction as well! The reader has many senses, and you can use the narration to engage them, to give the illusion of a full-sensory immersion, which would result in a more emotionally involving reading experience than just a conversation alone. Still, I enjoyed this piece. It has many good subtleties and the conversation was lifelike and fun. Nicely done.

---
　
*"Strings" by TerryD
*
Total: 18.5

SPAG: 4.5
... Technically flawless, with some good complexities thrown in.

TONE AND VOICE: 4.5
... Your narration is good, though it feels a little restrained. That could be the result of the word-count restriction, perhaps. Some of your sentences are great. Sunlight oozing, the description of the field, the word choices used to describe Andy. For future reference I would avoid describing anything as "pleasant, though not spectacular." This had the effect of a subliminal suggestion on me as a reader, making me feel that same way about your writing. Keep your story world popping and dazzling! Don't mute things, or describe them as such, it dulls the wonder of it all. IMO it's better to throw in rain clouds, or dark creeper vines, or ugly groundhog holes dug in the field, as a way of communicating discontent or conflicted emotions. But having the narrator say things are "nice, but nothing special" is kind of a big no-no in my book. Despite that, though, your writing IS rather special in this piece. It's subtle, but you use terrific adjectives and unique verbs. 

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 5
... You struck metaphorical gold with Andy choosing a toy that can do all the things he can't do. It's delivered well, too; nothing is melodramatic or overly delicate. Everything is handled delicately and with an expert flourish. Very well done.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4.5
... Great job taking the reader into the mind of the narrator. I also enjoyed the deep ponderings of the narrator, finding allegory in simple things like the blurring of the writing and the permanence of tears. We get a good image of Andy and his condition, and the vicarious pleasure he gets out of making his marionette do all the things he can't. It's hard not to sympathize. I especially liked when the father took out his agony on the toy. It was a powerful moment. 

Overall this was great writing. Solid, and creative. 
　
---

*"The Puppetteer: A Cop's Tale" by LaughinJim
*
Total: 18

SPAG: 4.5
... Flawlessly succint.

TONE AND VOICE: 4
... Nice use of a brisk, no-nonsense, hard-nosed narrative style. It's a fun throwback to oldschool detective pulp fiction, complete with the liquor in the drawer cliche. 

EXECUTION OF THEME: 5
... A very creative way to use the theme, and definately a clever depiction of poetic justice.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4.5
... There isn't much room for depth here, though you do well with what the story allows. This is more a tour de force of a basic gritty-detective short with a twist ending. Nothing really profound or lasting, but for the type of tale it is, it's done very well.

Technically sound, and very creative. There's a slight lack of any substance in the main character, no real sense of change or revelation, though it approaches close to that at the ending. Overall this is solid writing that comes off as effortless. Great job.
　
---

*"Dead Marionette" by Taknovrthewrld*

Total: 16

SPAG: 3.5
... A missing period here, a "you're" instead of "your" mix-up there. Some small, minor mistakes, but otherwise proficient.

TONE AND VOICE: 3.5
... A bit comical and over the top, the voice of the protagonist is fun but not totally convincing. She oscillates between verbose expressions like "bustling throng" and "accosted him" and then dips into silly-speak like "my little pitter-patter heart was going boom boom boom", so there's a lack of consistency. She doesn't seem real, she seems more like an exaggerated character. That said, though, you do manage to sweep the reader along in the excitement of the tale, and you do it very well.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4.5
... An interesting twist here! The haggard man that seems to be terrorizing the protagonist turns out to be a well-meaning prophet, a seer of fate, trying to warn her. Unfortunately, he scares her right into the cab he was likely trying to save her from. It's a good surprise ending and a creative interpretation of the prompt.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4.5
... This is was an entertaining slapstick horror short. Fun and tasty, like a bag of candy.

Some of the technical aspects of the piece were a bit wobbly, but overall it was engaging, fun, and clever. Good stuff.
　
---

*"Marion Etting" by Bazz Cargo
*
Total: Judge Entry. No score!

SPAG: 3.5
... There are a few minor typos. "an" instead of "and", "fuggy" instead of "foggy"; but otherwise clean and solid.


TONE AND VOICE: 4
... The narration is smooth and informal. A good balance of dialogue, description, and action, with a fun musician's perspective of things, such as how the merest opening of a door can affect the tuning of an instrument.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4.5
... A very clever way to incorporate the theme here, with the Puppet Master himself flopping down like a marionette sans strings after having his tyranny challenged.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 5
... Fun, funny, with some great lines sprinkled throughout. Five trumpets turning into strumpets is hilarious. Of course I loved the :Nutcracker Suite", and Marion's kick was especially well described.

It was, all of it, terrifically well done. Great job.
　
---

*"Yes, Dear" by spartan928*

Total: 16

SPAG: 3.5
... There are some minor errors and inconsistencies. A missing "s" after it', spaces before punctuation marks, the period toggling in and out of quotation marks seemingly at random. But beside those real minor details, everything else is done well.

TONE AND VOICE: 4
... Clean, simple narrative with some good dipping into the mind of Harold. It's all done with a consistent quality and style. 

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4
... Mildred's explanation of Harold being like a dead marionette felt a tiny bit forced, but it was still done well, and the tie in to the prompt was interesting and creative. 

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4.5
... I loved the way Harold arcs through the piece from numb and compliant to plotting and vindictive, and we witness the change all in his head! 

This was creative and deliciously fun. It was simple, but sometimes simple is a good thing. Nicely done.
　
---

*"The Hero of Thresh" by Rubisco*

Total: 18.5

SPAG: 4
... You missed some capitalizations at the beginning of some of Zeus' quotes, though that's very minor and otherwise the spelling and grammer are generally solid.

TONE AND VOICE: 4.5
... Dramatic, humorous, poetic and grand. This was both silly and epic at the same time. I enjoyed it.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 5
... An interesting take on the prompt. Zeus is paralyzed by his own indecision, refusing to be anyone's puppet, choosing instead to be nothing at all.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 5
... Exciting, playful. I especially enjoyed Sam's frustration, and the way the dragon tried to destroy Zeus but nothing happened.

This reads almost like a playful fable, with a moral lesson. You had a good balance of setting, description, action, and characterization. All the ingredients are there and in proper proportions for a well-written short. Good stuff.
　
---

*"Piano Man play me a tune." by Skodt*

Total: 15.5

SPAG: 3.5
... One misspelling of "Michelangelo", and a few instances of "to" instead of "too". Other than that, the rest was sound.

TONE AND VOICE: 4
... Simple and ponderous, with a serious delivery. The use of repetition for effect was interesting, but I would have appreciated something new instead. With such a short word-limit, it's important to get the most in while you can. However, the mood you were going for was acheived very well.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4
... This was a unique glimpse into the life of a lonely old pianist and his lifeless mannequin-like audience. I like that his music has a manipulative effect on people, though it's unclear whether or not he's putting live people into a trance, or simply performing in front of his carvings. Fun to think about.

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4
... Somber and somewhat creepy. It's poetic and haunting at the same time.

Very creative. I was hoping one of the carvings would come to life. Maybe one day one of them will. Nice writing.

---
　
*"Painted Face" by Fire525*

Total: 16

SPAG: 3.5
... Some punctuation issues and an unfortunate missing of the world "feel" in the line, "She could her strings tugging." But the rest is sound.

TONE AND VOICE: 4
... Straightforward and direct. There's an interesting overlap of omniscience to let the reader understand that Saireth is being controlled against her will. Creative use of scene breaks.

THEMATIC EXECUTION: 4.5
... A unique take on the prompt. Here we have living marionettes controlling the bodies of human beings through some sort of sorcery. 

EMOTIONAL EFFECT: 4
... It's got the makings of something terrific, but it's a little ambitious for a flash fiction piece. I can see this working wonders in a longer piece. 

There's so much storyworld and abilities and backstory to be explored here that the short word count doesn't do it full justice. It's a very creative concept, though, and ripe with possibilities. You did well within the world limits. Good job.


*Bazz's Comments:*

1/
Strings 
by 
Terry D

5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. 
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 19/20

So Sad. Such an extraordinary picture of ordinariness. The tie-in with the prompt was so strong on so many levels. A striking picture of of someone who still carries an enormous burden of guilt. The rage comes through as clear as could be. You have crafted well here. A sunlit moment of memory. A toy that shows the wheelchair to be a prison. Subtle.

I particularly liked the visual side of your work:
Andrew hop between the shadows of the balusters and the shafts of sunlight like a pianist's fingers flickering between black and white keys.

There are a few writers that I seek out to read for enjoyment. I will have to put you on my list.
Thank you.
Bazz

---

2/
Mike And Bernie
by 
Garza

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 18/20

I can, so, totally relate to this. Witty, poignant, clever and vivid. Somehow you managed to cram so much into a tiny conversation. Carpe diem indeed. This feels like it was written elsewhere and transplanted here. It has that air-of-maturity that you get from stuff that has rested before a final polish. And it was a good riff on the prompt.

Good advice:
'You don't have to be a puppet. Break the strings. Move out of your son's house. Have Sunday dinner with them but the rest of the time live your own life.'

I don't know if it was deliberately done for effect but I found myself misreading the participants age, I thought they were in their midlife crisis, until you explained by slipping Franklin D Roosevelt into the conversation. 

I liked this a heck of a lot,
Bazz

---

3/Puppeteer: A cop's Tale.
By
LaughinJim

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 17/20

Questions questions. You have worked a little blinder here. A good nod to the prompt. Nice, Rotund characterization, cool story, and an air of mystery. Expanded, this would make a great short story or even a teleplay. 

The pace is good and there are some neat details. You could lose the Evil line, I think it jars slightly.

Somehow you have taken a cliché and given it an interesting twist. That is the holy grail of crime writing.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this; thank you
Bazz

---

4/
Dead Marionettes
by
Taknoverthewrld.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. 
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 18/20

All you needed to complete this was a handwritey type font and a decent sound track. I like the subtle hints at Marion's character. The blind panic that the bum engendered was well drawn. To filter a story through a diary is a neat trick-- if you can pull it off. You did! This kind of story does signal the ending loud and clear, yet no other ending would really satisfy.

I have not marked you down for it, but I feel the prompt tie-in was kept mostly to the title.

Excellent stuff.
Bazz

---

5/ 
Yes, Dear
by 
Spartan 928

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 17/20

This was a toughie. Not very original but you welded it to the prompt extremely well. I liked your depiction of the horrible Mildred. Even the name Mil-Dread. Layers of stuff in the background. Very neat. Both characters are drawn well. There are some excellent details. There is just enough humour to make me smile.

You need a comma between lord and Harold. Otherwise it sounds like a good lord called Harold. There a few more punctuation issues. Although, nothing to spoil the read.

You also need to watch your paragraphs. Keep the details relevant.

("I know you don't see it yet Harold, but it had to be done". 

Harold settled into the driver seat and eased the car ahead into the mist.)

A strong entry and a pleasure to read.
Bazz

---

6/
Piano Man
by
Skodt.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 18/20

On one level this story was a runaway success; It severely depressed me. You built the atmosphere so well I could smell the wood. This worked on so many levels. A study of mental illness, loneliness and the self destructive routine we could easily fall into. 

Very neatly done. Chillingly bang on the prompt. Spare, but still detailed enough to follow with ease.

A great entry.
Bazz

---

7/
Painted Face
by
Fire525

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
3/5 – Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing.
Effect 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 14/20

There is a good story here but it is buried in dissonance. The first line seems extraneous. The strange battle between Saireth and Traieth is good. The reasoning behind it was difficult to grasp. 

The end left me with a question: Was it a puppet play? 

She could her strings tugging / You missed a word in the edit.

I'm still unsure about this. I have read a few stories where the main character is in a computer game. I like to think that you did the same but with puppets.

An interesting piece. Quite striking and very memorable. I wonder what it would be like with a larger word count and a bit of polish. 
Thank you for a good read
Bazz

---

8/
The Hero Of Thresh
by
Rubisco

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 16/20

Just between ourselves, was this based on an RPG? It does feel familiar somehow. I had a smile on my face during this one. Zeus, held back by liberal strings. Not exactly the tightest tie-in to the prompt, but a strong effort just the same. 

If I may demonstrate by a slight rewrite of the beginning:

Two brothers stood on top of the ridge that marked the southern boundary of The kingdom of Thresh and gazed down at the roaring forest fire in the valley below. Supernatural spires of living flame shot up into the air, trying to singe the brothers’ tunics.

Here and there a little polish would help make this something special. Part of the problem is the ambition of the work. It suffers being squashed into such a small space. 

I loved the demise of Sam the Feeble. The dragon was suitably badly behaved. Great last line. All in all a worthy entry to the challenge. 
Thank you for a great read
Bazz.


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## Terry D (Jun 26, 2012)

Potty, you are doing a fantastic job of organizing these competitions.  Keeping your fingers on all the right buttons at the right time can not be an easy task.  Thanks for doing it.

As always, I want to thank the judges for their time and thoughtful comments.  Each time I enter one of these LM competitions I learn more about how my writing affects the reader and that knowledge is invaluable.

@Fin -- One of the things I've been working on in my writing has been to be more subtle.  It is helpful to know that I may have pushed the subtlety too far in this piece.  I'm sorry that you had to read it twice to understand what was going on -- that's entirely my fault.

@KyleColorado -- In re-reading the story about a thousand times after submitting it, I often stumbled over "pleasant, but not spectacular" also, although I couldn't quite put a finger on why.  Thanks for showing me that I was sabotaging the strength of the story.  That will be changed.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@bazz cargo -- Thanks for the good words.  I try very hard to make my writing visual -- probably the result of watching too much TV as a kid -- I think these flash fiction stories lend themselves to that style.

Congratulations to Taknoverthewrld, Garza, rubisco, and Skodt.  As the scores show, this was a tough competition all of the stories being powerful and effective.  I've read each of them several times.


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## Skodt (Jun 26, 2012)

Thanks to Potty for running the compitition. Also thanks to all the judges for taking time out to read and reveiw all the stories.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jun 26, 2012)

Congratulations to all the winners! :thumbl:


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## garza (Jun 26, 2012)

Potty - Good show.


Fin - Writing dialogue has turned out to be my strong suit since I started trying fiction about six years go. There are probably two reasons. First, I'm a born nosey parker, my ears always open to conversations around me. Second, the one-on-one interview has been a big part of my stock-in-trade for half a century. 

Glad you like the twist. And you have gauged Mike correctly. He's top banana and Bernie's the straight man. The story is all about Mike.

The line breaks I couldn't do anythng about. I learned after the fact that Chrome does not always allow formatting to transfer. When I saw the dog's breakfast that had been made, the choice was either to let it go, or try to edit. I chose to let it go, hoping everyone would be able to figure it out. I don't know why I chose Chrome to upload the story. Normally I use Safari or Firefox when I come here and everything works fine.

Thank you for your comments.


Kyle - 'Teen-ager' is an old habit left over from writing lots of broadcast news. Dividing words like teenager makes the presenter's job a bit easier. 

The first draft was over 900 words of pure dialogue. Massive cuts were needed to get it down to under 650, and adding any description or narrative would have meant more dialogue lost. Adding a decent amount of description and narrative, and putting back some of the lost dialogue, would double the length.   

Thank you for noticing the timing. From late 1948 to mid 1955 I watched a good deal of television and most of what I watched were vaudeville acts translated to tv. Burns and Allen, Sid Caesar, Milton Berle, and all the other old vaudville acts were lessons in story timing I've never forgotten, and not just for humour. A news story or a personal essay must have the kind of timing that will carry the reader along effortlessly, just as the one, two, pause, three routine of the comedian or dramatic actor takes the listener to the punch line. 

Thanks for all your comments.


Bazz - 'I can, so, totally relate to this.' What? Now you think you're Mike trying to sound like some 13-year-old boarder? 

Thank you so much for your comments. The age hint as well as the setting hint with the bench were held back to allow the words spoken to hang in the air before being anchored. 

Thank you very much for your words of appreciation.


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## Taknovrthewrld (Jun 26, 2012)

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you all! participating in the forums has been so rewarding! I get so much encouragement and inspiration here T___T I told myself I wouldn't.... But, no!

There were some very good stories on the board, interesting and very funny. I think some quirk in the alignment of certain planets and stars and maybe a little booze may have affected the judging, but there's nothing wrong with booze and I am overtly thankful nonetheless. I'll keep training my linguistic muscles and channeling my chi into my vocab so that next time I may know for sure that I am indeed worthy. T____T so... thanks guyyyys.


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## Fin (Jun 26, 2012)

Congrats to the winners. Five of the eight possible winners took first, second and third. Wow. They were all great stories and a pleasure to judge.


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## LaughinJim (Jun 26, 2012)

Congratulations to TerryD and Taknovertheworld for a job well done. Thanks to Potty and all of the judges.

To keep with my horse racing metaphor, dead heat for 6[SUP]th[/SUP]-7[SUP]th [/SUP]won’t pay for hay and oats. It might cover the water though, if it’s free.

Fin, I’m glad you had a walk with Capt. Rotundo and the story didn't seem like a chore for you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel his agony, but he’s a cop. This one doesn’t agonize, he drinks. I also thought I handled the prompt more than adequately. I was just trying to think outside of the box a little bit, to overuse a term. Thank you for your time effort and consideration.

Kyle, sounds like you enjoyed it. I was trying to go for the old pulps. I actually had a golf buddy who kept a bottle in his drawer when he was on the job. I don’t think you could get away with it these days. Thanks for the nice comments.

Bazz, thanks for the read and the nice comments. Working blinder? Perhaps blinker would be more accurate. I originally had a much more evil tilt to this story. Two readers asked me to please adjust it. I did. Perhaps detective stories with twisted criminals are out of fashion. I actually don’t enjoy writing about them but I can do it when it’s called for.

I did expect to get assailed for the misspelling of the title. I am surprised that it was not mentioned and appreciate the tender mercy.


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## Kyle R (Jun 26, 2012)

Woo! Great job by everyone involved! I liked every story. Each one had something terrific and unique.

Terry - Glad I could offer something useful! Congrats on first place! I like your reason for entering the LM's; using them to learn more about your writing. It's a great idea. Cheers

Garza - I know the word-limit can be restricting, that's true. Your dialogue is always fresh and unique, and now I understand why your comic timing is so dead on. Great stuff, and congrats on second place!

Taknover - Your first LM and you take first place! You're definately a writer to keep an eye on. Don't get caught with minor grammar errors! Editing is just as important as being a talented writer. I'm looking forward to reading your next entry. Cheers!

Jim - I guess it's true: sometimes life really does imitate fiction. I thought your story was great. Very much enjoyed it. I feel it's only a matter of time until you hit the win-place-show trifecta.

I had fun judging this competition. I was at a loss for ideas when looking at the prompt. But seeing all the different stories that sprang out of it was very illuminating. Great job by everyone.


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## Fire525 (Jun 26, 2012)

Fin: This was something I'd already written and cut around 350 words out of, so clearly I've cut too much. The basic premise was as you guessed, the enemy controlling a character. It's an idea I've always liked and I wanted to play around with the concept of a character that used to be heroic becoming despised for their actions. Again, clearly that didn't come through strongly enough and I'm sorry for that. I'm glad to hear you liked the scene setting and use of magic though.

Kyle: It was perhaps a little ambitious to try and cut this story down, but I felt it fit so very well with the theme that I had to try . I'm glad you liked the premise and my take on the theme.

Bazz: Again, in cutting down my entry I may have removed parts necessary for understanding, so I do apologise for that. When I cut it down it was a sort of last minute rush job, so that's probably part of the reason for the inconsistency and dissonance. Glad to hear you liked the battle though. It wasn't a puppet play, no, but I can definitely see where that impression would arise. I quite like that concept though, I might use it .

To all the judges, thank you for your feedback and congratulations to the winners.


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## spartan928 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks again judges. The creative takes on the theme are fun to read. Most importantly, thanks for the insightful critiques. Fin, I'm from Scranton, PA and probably qualifies as another country. However I can only plead ignorance in the case of my grammar flops. My Elements of Style text is an 80's edition from college and the brain is dusty. Time to crack it open. Congratulations to the winners.


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## bazz cargo (Jun 27, 2012)

Congratulations to:
 1st Place: Terry D and Taknovrthewrld
2nd Place: Garza and rubisco
3rd Place: Skodt
And everyone else who took part. This was a tight one to choose on.


 Thanks to Potty for his excellent organization.  
 Thanks to Fin, Kyle and Ava for judging so well. I hope Ava is okay. (I also hope he didn't take one look at my entry and run screaming to the hills).
 Thanks to The Baron for such an interesting prompt.


 @Fin. I seem to suffer from word blindness. If I leave something two weeks and come back to it, all the mistakes stick out with red neon lights on top. If I get it wrong, I deserve to be marked accordingly.


 I'm glad the humour got through to you.   


 @Kyle. I am guilty of using the LM as a place to exercise. Playing with style, pushing boundaries, learning how to craft. I remember you sharing some knowledge on how to balance a story between dialogue, description and action. I have been following your lead.


 I'm relived someone other than myself found the jokes funny.    


 (Plus I like the way you lay out your judgements, I will be copying that as well).


 @Terry D. You have a very well deserved win. You are very successful at putting down a picture in words. I can see what you write quite clearly.


 @Garza. I cannot fault your feel for dialogue, the interplay is balanced and leavened with a feeling of reality. Perhaps you could stretch yourself at some other aspect. Play closer to the edge. Maybe muck about with similes.


 @Fire525. About two tries in  I had a go at writing a detective story. Three chapters later I knew it wasn't going to fit inside 650 words. Part of the beauty of the LM is its restrictions. It makes it a damned good training ground.


 @LaughinJim. Do you mind! It's my job to do the knocking. I liked what I read and I have a feeling you will only rise in the scoring.


 @Spartan928. Even dusty you still have oodles of style.


 @Taknovrthewrld. Goodness knows where you go from here. It will be fun finding out.


 @Skodt. A strong, moody piece that was a great contender.


 @Rubisco. Underlying your work is a sneaky sense of humour. I think you have a rebellious streak.


 Brilliant work all round.


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