# My first script - Shakespeare/spoof



## Maggie123 (Jan 16, 2008)

I`d appreciate any comments on the following scenario, esp. style, grammar, spelling mistakes ect. Thanks a lot in advance ​ 

Shakespeare in craft 
/compilation between "Twelfth Night" and "Romeo and Juliet"/​ 
scenario​ 


Personages

Duke Orsino 
Romeo Montague
Juliet Capoulet
Olivia - diet freak
Malvolio - a hypochondric neurotic
Mercutio - a gangsta rap singer , in the role of Dr. Phil
Maria - Olivia`s maid
Sir Toby Belch - Olivia`s uncle
Sir Andrew - senator

*ACT I, Scene I - Olivia`s palace*

/Bon Jovi `s "Always" spoof/

OLIVIA
Those pounds that I`m gaining 
Are not good for my perfect line
It`s nothing but some cellulite
I`m struggling with after every single bite

I`ve been training now for ages
The treadmill is still hot, 
Ellipticals are ready,
So are the weights and my endless fitness lot...

MARIA
Now you can`t eat McTwelphie`s nor King Lear`s any more,
You have to wave goodbye to all the popcorns and the candies in the store 
Well, I guess you, my dearest, from now onwards are going to live on pure air
But one day that can make you, my lovely princess, a real millionair

OLIVIA
And I will take them, oh, Orsino - always
Those seeweads and diet Purelife - always
I`ll do it just for the sake of having a diva`s line
Till the South beach diet is completely done 
And the cabbage soup and Atkins will help me marry you, my precious rich tycoon
I`ll keep being on my low carb, 
And I`ll do this - always

MARIA
Now all your old pictures you can leave behind
They are just memories of a boring life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that will make you for sure to your 57 kg say goodbye 
What I also wouldn`t give to weigh 10 kg less 
Well, I will be throwing up after binge eating to fit in a 0 size catwalk dress
Please try to understand - I have to be perfect, I`ll even put implants in my breasts. 

OLIVIA
When I do botox, when I put a sexy outfit on
When I get hair extensions and get my cheekbones done
I wish a popstar`s life was mine
To stay forver young is the goal of my time.

Yeah, I will be a star - always
And I`ll be there forever and ever - always

OLIVIA and MARIA
If you told me to bleech my hair blond
I could
If you told me to apply for a Playshakespeare`s bunny
I would
Take a look at my face
Theres no price I won`t pay
To get all the clothes and shoes I want on ebay.

OLIVIA
Well, there is no doubt about my new lifestyle
I will soon attack the producers of a second hand theatre serial
But if you give me just a month or two
Then I`ll be standing on the cover of "Medieval`s best", and dating duke Orsino on a private randevue
Or have my own clothing line
Wonderfull enough to make all other women from jealousy to cry


And I will take them, oh, Orsino - always
Those seeweads and diet Purelife - always
I`ll do it just for the sake of having a diva`s line
Till the South beach diet is completely done 
And the cabbage soup and Atkins will help me marry you, my precious rich tycoon
I`ll keep being on my low carb, 
And I`ll do this - always

*ACT I, Scene II - Orsino`s palace*
/Leaf`s "Wonderwoman" spoof /

ORSINO
Sometimes I feel like a poker player
Deprived of his 1 million earned in a tournament quite fair
Smoking a whole day stacks of "Romeo& Juliet" first class cigars
Browsing the net and changing nonstop my MSN avatars
Playing pools and drinking whole night with the lads
Partying nonstop on the yachts of a few spoiled brats
Speeding with 200 infront of a cop
I am fed up with this life of a snob

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh 
Why’s my life so boring 
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh 
There’s gotta be a little bit more in store for me 
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh 
Why’s my life so boring 
Oh, I’m up for a little bit more 

Just a little somethin' 
Something new,
Something like falling in love
With who knows whom

*ACT I, Scene III - seashore*

ROMEO
/Madonna`s "Don`t cry for me Argentina" spoof/

It won't be easy
When I try to explain 
That I still need your love, our love, burning with eternal flame

All our readers
Know you`re death
But I still carry close to my heart your amulette 
And I`m reviving you with every step
I`ll sail to the river Styx, 
To get you back

CAPTAIN
/Rod Steward`s "I`m sailing" adjustments/
He is sailing, He is sailing, 
To her again 'cross the sea. 
He is sailing, ice cold waters, 
to be near her, to be free. 

He is flying, He is flying, 
like a Stormbird `cross the sky. 
He is flying, passing Concords, 
to be with you, to be free. 

Can you hear him, can you him me 
through the white nights, far away, 
He is dying, forever trying, 
to be with you, who can say. 

ROMEO
Don't cry for me Juliet
The truth is I`ll always love you
All through my hard days
My sad existence
I kept my promise
I will travel to a place of great distance

And as from sadness, and as from lonliness
I will walk in your footsteps
I`ll follow the lot of Titanic
But get you back

CAPTAIN
/Police - Every breath you take adjustments/
Every step you make
Every breath you take
This bond noone can break
He`ll sail to his cousin Olivia`s home
And he will find a way to built for you a Taj Mahal love dome

*ACT I, Scene IV - Olivia`s palace*

SIR TOBY BELCH
/Frank Sintra - Love and marriage/
Love and marriage, love and marriage
They Go together like Olivia and Andrew according to Sir Toby Belch
This I tell you , my mind is sharp as a bullet from a rifle
I have conceived a cunning plan to get Sir Andrew`s title

Love and marriage, love and marriage
It's the senator`s fortune
That I`m after since my drinking has lead me to quite some misfortune
It`s so easy and chip
To get an ape tempted by a delicious banana in a chocolate dip

SIR ANDREW
Love and marriage, love and marriage
Me and the lovely Olivia will soon ride shoulder to shoulder in our wonderful carriage
He will help me win her heart without any reserves
I`m the happiest man on this earth, who will get what he deserves

MALVOLIO
I`ll try, try, try to separate them
It's not an illusion 
Try, try, try, and I`ll achive it
Princess Olivia I`ll guard from these men, I`ll also have a plan

Love and marriage, love and marriage
They go together like the horse and carriage
She is my amazing swan
I am just a modest servant, but I know I`m actually much more by listening to the sweetness in her tone.

CHORUS: SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, MALVOLIO
Love and marriage, love and marriage
Olivia will soon ride in a bride`s carriage
A man of honour will win heart without any reserves
That`s the happiest man on this earth, who will get what he deserves

*ACT I, Scene V - Olivia`s palace*
/Marc Anthony - I want to spend my lifetime loving you/

OLIVIA
Moon so bright, night so fine
My chestity belt will be soon yours, and yout heart will be mine
I saw you on a Helloween party dressed like a Duke
Do you rembember me, I was the modest witch standing by a pumpkin - my uncle, what a crook!

Bring my message now, Romeo, to this vent
Sing him the Titanic song right to the end
Seize the dawn, stand up before the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
Oh, Orsino, that`s all I ever wanna do

ROMEO
Curtains rise, curtains fall
I`ll dress myself as a girl from Tirol
Will yoddling and beatboxing I`ll perform skillfully infront of his eyes
Till he exclaims : "You`re the number one Idols of your time"

Through our joy, through our pain
I can bring him your Swiss watch as a sign of admiration and fame
He will take a 24 carats diamond ring as a sign of respect,
And a key to a brand new Porsche, and a golden set for cricket! 

OLIVIA
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else but to hug you soon
And kiss you under a Verona`s balcony in a night of full moon

Save the words for him, save the serenade
Save your enthusiasm, go now till the day is bright
Love is worth everything we pay
Don`t hesitate, take my Rolls Roys and go his way!

CHORUS
Hit the road Romeo and don't you come back without a sign, withouth a good sign
Hit the road Romeo and don't you come till you have got him, right
What you say?
Hit the road now and don't you come back no more till you bring me the love of the man that I adore

Woah Woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean,
You're the meanest young woman that I've ever seen.
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my things and go.
(That's right)


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## Maggie123 (Jan 16, 2008)

*ACT II, Scene I - Olivia`s palace*

MALVOLIO
/Bonnie Tylor "Total eclipse of the heart"/

Turnaround, every now and then when I take a little pill
Turnaround, Every now and then when the doctor puts me on Paxil
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit anxious and try to kick away my panic attack
Turnaround, Every now and then when I`m fed up 
with dreaming and get hot chills in my back

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I wanna say
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
I wanna whisper "I love you Olivia" in my own way
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit restless and can`t sleep without a tranquilizer by my bed
Turnaround, Every now and then when
I can`t get you out of my head
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry 
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes 
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I fall apart 

And I need you now, right here, right
And I need you more than US government Madeleine Albright
And if you'll only hold me tight 
Like a real Shrek I`m going for you to fight
And we'll be having a honeymoon in Versaille
I`ll even wax my feet to be perfect for my beloved bride
You`re like a Victoria Secret`s lingerie model
I`m your Banderas, my sexiest bagel

I don't know what to do and I'm always cunning like the Bold and Beautiful`s Clark
Even if you are with a wooden leg and with a big mole on the face that won`t chase away my spark
I really need you tonight 
Forever's gonna start tonight 
Forever's gonna start tonight 

OLIVIA
Once in a lifetime I`m falling in love like that
Once in a lifetime I`m ready to reveal to someone charming the secret of my special receipt for cotlete
There's nothing more than I want to do
Than get mixed in a Jamie Oliver shaker right here with you 
Once upon a time there was a dwarf in my life 
He predicted that you will come and prepare for me a diet meal from a shark 
Nothing I can say 
A total eclipse of the mind
Turnaround bright eyes 
Turnaround bright eyes 
Turnaround, every now and then I know 
you'll always be the macho I`ve wanted you to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know 
you'll crash my Ferraries and Porsches, and I won`t give a damn, because you`re my destiny
Turnaround, every now and then 
you can use all my MasterCards, my yami sate
Turnaround, every now and then 
there's noone else like you with a black belt in karate
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I smoke a joint
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I smoke a joint
And I need you now, right here, right
And I need you more than US government Madeleine Albright
And if you'll only hold me tight 
Like a real Shrek you`re going for me to fight
And we'll be having a honeymoon in Versaille
You`ll even wax your feet to be perfect for your beloved bride
I look like a Victoria Secret`s lingerie model
You`re my Banderas, my sexiest bagel

Forever's gonna start tonight 
Forever's gonna start tonight 
A total eclipse of the mind , oh my ROMEO, just give my love a start!

*ACT II, Scene II - seashore*

JULIET
/Aqua "I`m a Barbie girl"/
I'm a Britney girl, in a paparazzi world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, touch me everywhere - from my silicone to my underwear
Californication, doc, the boobs are your creation!
Come on Julie, let's go party by the swimming poolie!

(uu-oooh-u)

I'm a Pamie girl, in a Las Vegas world
Life in chips, and overall gold till my hips!
I can brush you bank account, you can blindfold me and make me till 1 million count
Drugation, 
Romeo, do we have to give a videotape verification?


Shipwreck me on a deserted beach,
I`ll pose nude showing my every single surgery stitch
I`m your doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour, the channel don`t switch
I`ll go to the local prince`s castle and make his every muscle from admiration of my beauty twitch

(uu-oooh-u)

Come on Julie, let's go to the poolie!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Julie, let's go to the poolie!
(uu-oooh-u)
Come on Julie, let's go to the poolie!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Julie, let's go to the poolie!
(uu-oooh-u)

*ACT II, Scene III - Olivia`s palace*

SIR ANDREW
/Nickelback, "Rockstar", Bush association/

I'm through with speeches I can never make
This bloody stammering turns me into an idiot, for God`s sake,
It's strong like the ceiling of a helicopter I bump my head in,
It will take some time till I recover from my last "chin-chin", 
This drink hasn't proved to be enough for me
So I will add some coke, quite the amount I want it to be

SIR TOBY BELCH
Tell me what you want

SIR ANDREW
I want a brand new door that I can successfully go through,
And a reporter without shades on, who will be part of my crew,
And a green dress I can rub my glasses in
And a war in Iraq that we can win
Without pronouncing Mandela dead, and without repeating 
this saying from Tennessee or Texas or whatsoever meant


SIR TOBY BELCH
Yeah, so tell what you need

SIR ANDREW
I'll need lots of doctors that aren`t getting out of business,
So they can keep on "practising their love with women"
I`ll need to " know what I believe,
I believe what I believe is right." 
I`m gonna keep on claiming "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. 
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, 
and neither do we."
At thirty-seven thousand feet


SIR TOBY BELCH
Been there done that

SIR ANDREW
I wanna "teach a child to read,
and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test" with ease
I`ll keep on preaching 
"Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." 
And so do the rest on my list.
Somewhere between the Middle East and 
Vietnam, 
We`re going to capture this taliban 


SIR TOBY BELCH
So how you gonna do it?

SIR ANDREW
I'm gonna go on an english course and learn how not to stammer like a horse
I'd even cut my budget and ask the Bottle for divorce

SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW
'Cause we all just wanna be big presidents
And use like Blair Colgate Dents, 
The money come easy and the coke come cheap
We're all staying stupid 'cause we just can't read
And we'll be standing drunk behind the big tribunes
And will be making the whole world laugh with us like in "Looney Tunes", 
Every good old journalist
Gonna wind up there
Every foreign leader 
Will have an ape face infront of him to stare
And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a president
Hey, hey, I wanna be a president

I wanna be great like Condi in the politics
I`m gonna fight against all cynics


SIR TOBY BELCH
So how you gonna do it?


SIR ANDREW
I'm gonna go on an english course and learn how not to stammer like a horse
I'd even cut my budget and ask the Bottle for divorce

SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW
'Cause we all just wanna be big presidents
And use like Blair Colgate Dents, 
The money come easy and the coke come cheap
We're all staying stupid 'cause we just can't read
And we'll be standing drunk behind the big tribunes
And will be making the whole world laugh with us like in "Looney Tunes", 
Every good old journalist
Gonna wind up there
Every foreign leader 
Will have an ape face infront of him to stare
Every talkshow
With this boring question
Asking "How was your first year in the White House?",
Which I`ll answer with the following suggestion
"It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." ,
I`ve been around the world and I`ve screwed up everything
Hey, hey, I wanna be a president

Hey, hey, I wanna be a president
Hey, hey, I wanna be a president


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## Maggie123 (Jan 16, 2008)

*ACT II, Scene IV - Orsino`s palace*

ROMEO
You are her destiny
Your pictures decorate her bed and tapestry
You are a muse for her clothing line
That's what you are

You can have her dressed as stewardess
You can make of her an Oval Cabinet`s mistress
You are her Don Joan
She will even gocamping with you in a caravan

The tax police and the tax police alone
Can take away from you her kingdom
'Cause you`d be a fool
To let somebody else sunbathe in her big solarium
And a fool I'll never be
`Cause noone believes in real love like Juliet and me

You are her Lancelot 
You play together on a slot
You're more than her chicuahua to her
That's what you are

You are her candy bar 
You`ll be soon a movie star
You are her coffee cup
That's what you are.
Orsino, what else? 

ORSINO
/Mary Mary "Shackles"/
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna chase you
(What'cha wanna do?)
I just wanna chase you
(Yeah, yeah)
Wanna break all bonds with you Olivia
(Uh feel me?)
You`re for me just an untasty spoon of Actvia
(What'cha gon do?)
I'm gonna chase you

In the corners of my castle
There is a room when I hide when I see that you come insight
I would spend there a whole day
Till you don`t pick up your face lift and don`t go away
Feel like the love has never been there
You should understand, I hate you in my underwear
Which by the way is Calvin Klein, but that only speaks good for my style

ROMEO
/Cher "Dove L`amore"/
Dove' L'amore
Dove' L'amore
She is such a beauty queen of love
Here is her story

She`ll sing a love song
Sing it for you love
As though she`s a thousand miles away
She can immedialy take the plane and book a room for both of you in a place far far away

Drink with her baby
Dine with french wine and cavier
Put on your Armani and smile like an Oscar winning star
Make her go crazy and give her a ring
Make her wave in the air her string

There is no other. There is no other
No other love can take your place
Or match the acne on your face
I'll keep on singing 'till the day
I carry you away

With my love song 
With my love song

Dove' L'amore
Dove' L'amore
Where is your bed?
I need you here to hold me...
With my love song
With my love song
/Romeo falls in Orsino`s arms.../

*ACT III, Scene I - Olivia`s palace*
Olivia, Malvolio, Sir Toby Belch, Sir Andrew, Juliet

OLIVIA
Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
He caught me in the orchard
And dared to propose to me
"Open your eyes"
I said to him
Look up at my face and see-
You`re just an oridnary poor boy, a servant, who can`t get my sympathy
Because I deserve something more , something more,
I`m very high, you`re so low,
"So you don`t love me?
Ooh, my heart is broken
I have left so many words uspoken"
He said to me

Mama, just killed a man,
Gave him some of the chicken soup,
Cooked in the Hell`s Kitchen tent,
Mama, I don`t have the slightest blame,
Poor Malvolio is now part of somebody else`s heavenly harem-
Mama ooo,
Didn`t mean to make him go to a Gordon Ramsey`s show-
He was a victim of the blue team, won`t be back again this time tomorrow-
I will carry on, carry on his sorrow


SIR ANDREW
Too late for him, my time has come,
This sends shivers down my spine-
Body to body massage, me and you in our prime,
Goodbye everybody-we`ve got to go-
To an exotic island with my future bride, Olivia, ohooo-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I`ll have her money now,
I sometimes wish I could eat her like a lemon pie

JULIET
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Andrew eoooo,Andrew eoooo,
Andrew eoo Andrew eooo
Andrew eoo Andrew eoo-magnifico-
When I was just a poor girl and nobody loved me-
He was just a rich boy from a wealthy family-
I met him on the beach and we fell in love, so many nights together
Then we hired Romeo to play the famous scene when he`s in love
He doesn`t need this live of monstrosity-
Easy come easy go, Olivia, let him go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Will not let you go-let him go
Will not let you go- let him go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let hime go-
Andrew put aside for me,for me,for me-

So you think I drank that posion and then died 
You`re all stupid, he loves me and will never leave me to say goodbye-
Oh baby-cant do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

Romeo is just a figurat,
He was a stripper, a bad actor playing a mediocre truant,
We hired him for the role of a Monteque
Now nothing really matters-,nothing really matters, he`ll get what he get

Any way the wind blows
and Andrew, here he goes

SIR ANDREW
/Hugh Grant "Pop- goes my heart"/
I never thought I`m gonna lose my head
But then pop! Goes my heart
(Pop! Goes my heart)
I fell in love with Juliet 
And then pop! Goes my heart
(Pop! Goes my heart)
And I just can’t let you go
I can`t lose my love for you

A twist of fate makes life worthwhile
You are gold and silver
Apschihuuuu
These precious moments we have so few
Let’s go far away where there’s nothing to do but play
You've shown to me that my destiny is with you...


*ACT III, Scene II - Orsino`s palace*
/Right Said Fred ,"I`m too sexy"/

ROMEO
I`m too sexy for his love too sexy his love
Orsino`s going to kiss me


ORSINO
You`re too sexy for your shirt too sexy for this flirt
So sexy it hurts
You`re too sexy for Dolce and Gabbana too sexy for Dolce and Gabbana
Elton John and Elen DeJeneres at Copacabana

And I'm too sexy for your palace
Too sexy for your palace
No way I'm not sleeping here

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I turn my little bum on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I take your hand on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for your cars too sexy for your cars
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for your bed
Too sexy for bed what do you think about that

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I turn my little bum on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I take your hand on the catwalk


ORSINO
You`re too sexy for me too sexy for me too sexy for me

'Cos you`re a model and I know what you mean
When you drop that little soap in the shower
Yeah in the shower in the shower yeah
I shake my little....finger in the shower 

You`re too sexy for my bed too sexy for my bed
Poor fluffy poor fluffy bed
You`re too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

We`re too sexy for this song
Let`s go to bed , tonight I`m your Juliet...


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## Maggie123 (Jan 16, 2008)

*ACT III, Scene III *MERCUTIO
/Coolio "Gangster`s paradise" - imitating Dr.Phil/

As I walk through the studio with a pen in my hand
I take a look at the audience and realise Oprah has forgot to write my salary check for tonight`s event
Cause I've been analysing and inviting guests for so long and so lot
Even my wife thinks that I`m a synthesis of Freud and a Star Wars robot


But I never told Olivia that she`ll be one day a single mom 
Divored , rich, and with three children oh, this femme
She`ll be treated like a spoiled housewife, you know that's unheard of
So better watches how you talking, and where she`s walking
Or her lawyers will send you a bill, 
And you`ll look at the amount like a hungry crockodile.


I really hate the gays, but I gotta say lol
As they marry I see myself in a trendy suit, fool
Romeo is the kinda of guy that every little homo wanna be like
On his knees in the night
Sayin' prayers in the street light

Been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives


Forget Malvolio, he was going crazy
He couldn`t live a normal life , Olivia`s bum so lazy
So he gotta be down with the hood team
Too much bowing chased away his dream


Andrew is an educated fool, without money on his hand
Took his Sir title and Julie to his land
He`s just a counting machine, making profit of every sunbeam
And they will spend a honeymoon on boat with lots of steam


This all ain't nothing but a heart beat away
I'm living life to enjoy, what can I say?
I've seen already three acts will I see a forth?
The way things are going I don't know

Tell me why are we -- so blind to see 
That it`s all fake -- unlike you and me

Been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives

Power and the money, money and the power
Minute after minute, hour after hour
Everybody's running, but half of them ain't lookin
What's goin on in the kitchen, but I don't know what's cookin


They say I`m gonna learn my lessons, but nobody's here will teach me
If I don`t switch off my mobile, how the message of the performace would reach me?
I guess it can`t -- I guess it won't
I guess the show is over and we have to go home

Been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
been spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives
Living in a Shakespeare`s Paradise
keep spending most our lives

Tell me why are we -- so ready to make our seat free
That once we stand for applause -- we should clap our hands like our spouse
Tell me why are we -- so ready to make our seat free
That once we stand for applause -- we should clap our hands like our spouse

Tell me why are we -- so ready to make our seat free
That once we stand for applause -- we should clap our hands like our spouse
Tell me why are we -- so ready to make our seat free
That once we stand for applause -- we should clap our hands like our spouse
ah ah ah ah ah ah


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