# old age



## midnightpoet (Jul 29, 2013)

The following is based on my experiences since i retired.  I'm thing of expanding it into a memoir.  


                                              OLD AGE


You know, old age creeps in on little crow’s feet.  You wake up one morning and realize that the snap, crackle, pop you hear is not your breakfast cereal.  You realize you’ve become your father, but your wife damn well doesn’t want to be your mother.

I first realized this after I came home after prostate surgery.  Well, I felt humiliated, angry, pissed off, and sore in a certain place.  It wasn’t long before I realized I just couldn’t perform at work any more, so I retired and bought a house on a small town in the wilds of west Texas.  Not that I haven’t seen snakes before, just not so many.  And so close.  But I bucked up, built a fence and a deck and thought I was okay until my wife started adopting every stray dog that came along.  So I was reduced to poop duty. 

Well, it wasn’t so bad until I started walking the dogs.  They see a cat, and I’m drug halfway down the block.  I came home covered in sandburs.  One of them is a blue heeler mix and weighs about 80 pounds. 

Then the plumbing broke.  The washing machine broke.  Before long I was broke.  But the people in the town were helpful.  Right.  They saw this city slicker coming and took full advantage.  Before long I was even more broke.

After I got to know some people, the town reminded me of a redneck Peyton Place.  One family I knew had five kids, each one with a different daddy.  The guy behind me was a Vietnam vet who was known to take pot shots at cats – or any other varmint that invaded his property.  There were more goats than people, and the guy next door skinned a deer on his back porch.   But they were smarter than they looked.

But I knew I was getting old when my little instrument that usually popped to attention needed a stimulant and sometimes that didn’t even help.  And anyone who does not believe in zombies didn’t see me before my first coffee in the morning.  You know you are really out of it when you finally get an mp3 player and the 10 year old next door has a question – who’s Bob Dylan?


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## take the cannoli (Aug 1, 2013)

This was good, midnightpoet.    Your piece has nice comedic rhythm, and it made me laugh.

You've got sort of a dual rant here, about old age, and about life in west Texas.    So, I'd change the title to include both subjects.    I think a final sentence, to summarize everything, would also help.     I reworked your piece, see what you think about the few minor changes I've made:   

James





RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK IN WEST TEXAS


You know, old age creeps in on little crow’s feet. You wake up one morning and realize that the snap, crackle, pop you hear is not your breakfast cereal. You realize you’ve become your father, but your wife damn well doesn’t want to be your mother.

I first realized this after I came home after prostate surgery. Well, I felt humiliated, pissed off, and sore in a certain place. It wasn’t long before I realized I just couldn’t perform at work any more, so I retired and bought a house in a small town in the wilds of west Texas. Not that I haven’t seen snakes before, just not so many. And so close. But I bucked up, built a fence and a deck and thought I was okay until my wife started adopting every stray dog that came along. So I was reduced to poop duty.

Well, it wasn’t so bad until I started walking the dogs.    One of them is a blue heeler mix and weighs about 80 pounds.   They see a cat, and I’m drug halfway down the block. I come home covered in sandburs. 

Then the plumbing broke. The washing machine broke. Before long I was broke. But the people in the town were helpful. Right. They saw this city slicker coming and took full advantage. Before long I was even more broke.

After I got to know some people, the town reminded me of a redneck Peyton Place. One family I knew had five kids, each one with a different daddy. The guy behind me was a Vietnam vet who was known to take pot shots at cats – or any other varmint that invaded his property. There were more goats than people, and the guy next door skinned a deer on his back porch. But they were smarter than they looked.

But I knew I was getting old when my little instrument that usually popped to attention needed a stimulant and sometimes that didn’t even help. And anyone who does not believe in zombies didn’t see me before my first coffee in the morning. You know you are really out of it when you finally get an mp3 player and the 10 year old next door has a question – who’s Bob Dylan?

I'm starting to wonder if I actually died in surgery, and Hell is rural West Texas?


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## qwertyman (Aug 1, 2013)

Good bar-stool delivery, liked it.

Move.


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## midnightpoet (Aug 1, 2013)

Thanks, people, i admit i embellished it a bit for humor purposes.  There's a lot more - for example when my wife and i finally sold the house ( in Plano, actually) and were ready to move, we left about midnight - me in a u-haul with a trailer behind and her in the car with three dogs.  It took us 17 hours to drive 400 miles and it was an adventure!  It was also February, and cold, and rainy, and I'm not sure yet how we made it without an accident.


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## escorial (Aug 1, 2013)

made me smile...


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## lowprofile300 (Aug 2, 2013)

midnightpoet said:


> The following is based on my experiences since i retired.  I'm thing of expanding it into a memoir.
> 
> 
> OLD AGE
> ...




@midnightpoet,

Bravo! Very nice, nothing to critique here. The delivery was on point. I really enjoyed it


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## Kevin (Aug 2, 2013)

Mn- I was thinking that the second paragraph was full of first sentences. Seems like you could break it apart and tell us some more details on each.  You've got like six different subjects in there. I think a little expounding on each would only add to (enhance) the overall picture you've painted. 

Near the end, you've got two sentences in a row starting with the same word. Personally, I would discard it in both, but... 

Hey, this is your life. You may take your time telling us about it. 'Memoir' sounds good.  jat. Cheers K.


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## Lucifer (Aug 6, 2013)

based on actual events huh? makes it even better! a little slice of your America neatly packaged into 6 paragraphs. although "take the cannoli" did have an interesting suggestion about the end.


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## Origen (Aug 10, 2013)

I believe west Texas was the home of the writer of the Conan the Barbarian series.  He ended up killing himself, but I'm sure living in west Texas had nothing to do with it.


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## midnightpoet (Aug 10, 2013)

Origen said:


> I believe west Texas was the home of the writer of the Conan the Barbarian series.  He ended up killing himself, but I'm sure living in west Texas had nothing to do with it.



Hahahohohehe

I know a lot of people probably think Texas is the armpit of the world, but there is nothing a little deodorant won't cure.....


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## Origen (Aug 11, 2013)

As you drive into Texas I'm sure you remember, 'You Are Now Leaving the United States and Entering Texas' on a huge signpost.  And I liked your piece.  You may want to check out my Hillbilly Havens bit and see that we have something in common.


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## midnightpoet (Aug 11, 2013)

Origen said:


> As you drive into Texas I'm sure you remember, 'You Are Now Leaving the United States and Entering Texas' on a huge signpost.  And I liked your piece.  You may want to check out my Hillbilly Havens bit and see that we have something in common.



I read your piece, and liked it. I'm surprised there weren't any comments.  The south has hillbillys (P.C. - barefooted mountain dwellers), Texas has good ol boys.  I played in a GOB golf tournament once.  There were carts driven by cute girls in short-shorts with Igloo coolers full of bloody mary's. salty dogs and margaritas (and beer, of course).  Most of the players were oilfield/gas company workers, trading their hard hats for gold clubs. One of the guys i played with, the more he drank the better he played.  It was a "Florida scramble" format, and i think the temperature was in the 90's.  I believe our team took 3rd place.  It was sponsored by some oil company.  Of course, this was 25 years ago, some spoilsport has probably shut it down by now.


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## PiP (Aug 15, 2013)

> You wake up one morning and realize that the snap, crackle, pop you hear is not your breakfast cereal.


Loved the humour in this. I am right there with you!



> But I bucked up, built a fence and a deck and thought I was okay until  my wife started adopting every stray dog that came along.  So I was  reduced to poop duty.


Again this made me smile 



> They see a cat, and I’m drug halfway down the block. I come home covered in sandburs.


 I think this should be I'm dragged? drag - Conjugation of the English verb drag



> But I knew I was getting old when my little instrument that usually  popped to attention needed a stimulant and sometimes that didn’t even  help.


 

I love your humour, midnight poet and I look forward to reading more about life in rural West Texas. Did you ever watch the film "Deliverance"  a 1972 American thriller film?

PiP


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## midnightpoet (Aug 15, 2013)

pigletinportugal said:


> Loved the humour in this. I am right there with you!
> 
> 
> Again this made me smile
> ...



No, my favorite for southern gothic mystery is "In the Heat of the Night" with Sidney Poitier.  I grew up watching westerns and I still like cowboys (and western music).  So i like it out here.  I'm a native, after all, with ancestors who came here in the 1820's.  And the people are interesting.  I remember one of my uncles, a rancher in central Texas.  As a youth, an accident cut off one of his fingers.  I remember his gnarled hands, his weathered, square features.  He was tall and lanky, but intelligent and strong minded.  One of his sons became an assistant D.A. in a large Texas city.  The reality of Texas does not fit the stereotype.  I don't know any cattle barons or oil tycoons (although I'll admit we have them).


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## huntsman (Aug 26, 2013)

Your piece is really good...I remember my schooldays ... whatever... good try... keep writing...goodluck


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## QuantumCat (Aug 27, 2013)

Is this you midnightpoet


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## huntsman (Sep 5, 2013)

Such a nice imagination...


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## midnightpoet (Sep 5, 2013)

QuantumCat said:


> View attachment 4976
> 
> Is this you midnightpoet



Haha!!  I'm bald all right, except I'm much uglier and a lot more wrinkled.  I  was going to post a picture of me but I was afraid it would scare the hell out of everyone.   I used to wear suits when I was struggling in the corporate wars, but when I retired I gave all of my "business attire" to goodwill and went to loose fitting clothing and blue jeans.  So I may go downtown in t-shirts and shorts, with black socks and sandals and the heck with fashion.


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## huntsman (Sep 6, 2013)

midnightpoet said:


> Haha!!  I'm bald all right, except I'm much uglier and a lot more wrinkled.  I  was going to post a picture of me but I was afraid it would scare the hell out of everyone.   I used to wear suits when I was struggling in the corporate wars, but when I retired I gave all of my "business attire" to goodwill and went to loose fitting clothing and blue jeans.  So I may go downtown in t-shirts and shorts, with black socks and sandals and the heck with fashion.



So..What... you r a creative person...


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## midnightpoet (Sep 6, 2013)

Heck yeah, compared to some guys I've seen at Walmart, I look like I just stepped out of a shop on Saville Row...


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## sageburgamot (Sep 17, 2013)

Agh, young ones these days. . . .don't even know who the REAL musicians are :fox:


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## kjs1234 (Sep 29, 2013)

Made me laugh haha, good job!


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## Olly Buckle (Sep 30, 2013)

> Well, it wasn’t so bad until I started walking the dogs. They see a cat, and I’m drug halfway down the block. I came home covered in sandburs. One of them is a blue heeler mix and weighs about 80 pounds.


Something I often find myself saying, 'Put the things together that go together'. As someone who is unsure what a 'sandbur' is I wondered for a moment if one could be blue
"Well, it wasn’t so bad until I started walking the dogs, one of them is a blue heeler mix and weighs about 80 pounds. They see a cat, and I’m drug halfway down the block. I came home covered in sandburs."
The mix of tenses seemed wrong at first too, until I realised that you had effectively missed out words
"Well, it wasn’t so bad until I started walking the dogs, one of them is a blue heeler mix and weighs about 80 pounds. When they see a cat I’m drug halfway down the block.When that happed I came home covered in sandburs."
Though "I’m drug halfway down the block and come home covered in sandburs" might work better.

I am with Piglet in Portugal about 'drug', but we are both English and it could well be an Americanism.


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## midnightpoet (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks, Olly.  I've got more responses for this than my fiction I've put on the site, which encourages me to complete it.  On "drug," I should have said "was dragged."  Probably a Texan-ism. As for sandburs, I'm not exactly sure of the correct terminology.  Here in west Texas we have what we call "stickies" and "goatheads."  They are weeds what grow close to the ground, producing little pointy burrs.  The goatheads have little horns that look like the horns of a goat and they can pierce the skin.  Suffice it to say most everything out here has spines, fangs or something that can hurt you.  One of the reasons I find this site interesting is because of the mix of cultures around the world and their take on English.  I'll admit, my grammar isn't is good as it used to be, so I will work on that in the next draft.


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## qwertyman (Sep 30, 2013)

'Drug' is good, it hones the voice, don't change it. In fact I'm not sure Cormac Mc Carthy didn't use it in Blood Meridian.

If you're in drag on the way to the Drag race and get drug past the Drugstore, best not to use it. However, best not to use dragged either.  In fact, what are you thinking of; drugging the dog in drag... save it for Long Beach.


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## Olly Buckle (Sep 30, 2013)

Yes, I didn't think 'drug' sounded wrong either qwerty, just not East Sussex 
Plants like that always get local names, we have a similar thing that climbs, I was always teasing the seeds out of my dog's ears. We call it goose grass, but the Scots call it sticky willie, which for some reason reduced my friend's adolescent daughter to hysterical laughter.


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## midnightpoet (Sep 30, 2013)

Olly Buckle said:


> Yes, I didn't think 'drug' sounded wrong either qwerty, just not East Sussex
> Plants like that always get local names, we have a similar thing that climbs, I was always teasing the seeds out of my dog's ears. We call it goose grass, but the Scots call it sticky willie, which for some reason reduced my friend's adolescent daughter to hysterical laughter.



We also have a weed over here we called "stinging needles" because they were thin and had a barb on the end, which as young boys we would use with delight to torment our friends by throwing them at each other.  Simple adolescent minds are easily amused.  Of course now girls are just as bad at tormenting each other.  Facebook friends?  More like facebook enemies.


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## thepancreas11 (Jan 2, 2014)

It paints the kind of picture "Grumpy Old Men" paints.  Some people use their grammar as a kind of shield against the poorer quality of their story; at times, I find correct grammar overrated, so don't worry about that too much.  I think it's refreshing that you let your experience shine through with YOUR voice, however it may sound.

If you're trying to get the memoir published, you'll want to make sure that you have a theme to the piece that will appeal to readers. Getting older is something that gets hacked to bits by plenty of people. The idea that you've moved yourself to this area that feels like Hell when you've earned paradise is much more fun. You'll get your best results by contrasting the way life was before you moved and the way it is now since you retired. Try to avoid sermons in a memoir when you write it, though, as this often creates a sluggish read. Include stories that you think best exemplify your life and amplify your theme, instead.

Good luck! I enjoyed reading this piece.


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## escorial (Jan 2, 2014)

I always enjoy these snippets of a day in the life..so real and full of life.


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## KHME (Jan 17, 2014)

One of the funniest things I've read in a while... good stuff!


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## dither (Jan 21, 2014)

I can relate to the "snap crackle and pop":uncomfortableness:, and just getting out of bed some days can be an ordeal.

Very amusing, and very real Midnightpoet

Stimulant? Are you serious?

I'm 62 and nothing could be farther from my mind.


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## Da_Geroto (Feb 5, 2014)

The stories based on truthful events are the best, much more if they're comedy, I've been writing a lot of short stories based on things that happen daily in life. It's pretty good I like it


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## dither (Feb 7, 2014)

Da_Geroto said:


> The stories based on truthful events are the best, much more if they're comedy, I've been writing a lot of short stories based on things that happen daily in life. It's pretty good I like it



Da Geroto,
that's why i'm here, but i'm struggling for a lead.
Waiting for life to throw me line, or maybe i just need to open my eyes.
Whatever, it's just not happening for me right now.


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