# Out



## Space Cadet (Jun 30, 2017)

Some small town
back alleys secrete a song
worth a trill 
young men are afraid to hum.


They lay awake,
shirtless backs,
listen to each other’s 
menthol inhales. 


Bedroom smoke,
lit cigarettes flicker
from the older boy’s sill,
their laughter under a passing whistle sounds.


And when one
leaves, another stays
behind to help with the farm or store.


Both herd home at night
hidden in droves of suits,
or behind hay-bales


and open their bedroom windows
to hear that same refrain, 
a summer train, or a sermon 
under a passing whistle.


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## andrewclunn (Jun 30, 2017)

The line "cigarette nubs sneak" brought me out of it a bit because I couldn't visualize the meaning.


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## Space Cadet (Jun 30, 2017)

andrewclunn said:


> The line "cigarette nubs sneak" brought me out of it a bit because I couldn't visualize the meaning.



Hey, AndrewClunn.  I completely understand.  Thank you for this.  I've updated it because you were right -- it didn't have a meaning.  Thank you again for letting me know.  Best,  Wesley


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## Sebald (Jun 30, 2017)

I think this is one of your best.


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## Space Cadet (Jun 30, 2017)

Sebald said:


> I think this is one of your best.



Thank you.  You're too kind.  After reading it again, I feel it's a bit unoriginal.  LOL.  It was written last night from 5 lines I had, and I had to separate myself from it.  It's my attempt to provide a message that isn't over complex to the point of absurd, silly, esoteric, and seemingly nonsensical imagery.  

Half joking but half serious:  There's a children's book where a country mouse moves to the city and a city mouse moves to the country; it's a riveting fish out of water story that I think would be fun to intertwine within this poem.  Adding animals to any poem makes for a much more interesting read.   Thank you for reading.  Wesley


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## Sebald (Jul 2, 2017)

Wesley, you are like an incredible, image-producing machine. 

Ha ha, that's meant to be a compliment.

Your work is successful on so many levels. But I really think you're developing a new element here.

This piece has great movement. I can see the poet passing through the piece, taking it all in. Looking down from the top of a hill. Swooping closer, his eye caught by the flicker of a cigarette. Listening at a window as he walks by. And letting time pass in a natural way, as if he feels at home here, and is just telling us how things are.

It reminds me of 'Under Milk Wood'. 

The second thing I like is the way the simple language suits the people it's describing. It feels as if they could join in with the discussion about how they live.

Yeah, I really think it's great.


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## sas (Jul 2, 2017)

I will be giving quick thoughts, as out.

Somehow I don't think these guys smoke menthol. Too girly. This from a non-smoker. Ha. 

How about?:

listen to each other's
unfiltered inhales

(unfiltered/other's)

Loved use of "herd home"!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 2, 2017)

Wesley, you've keenly depicted an atmosphere, dim yet so alive with ambrosia of subtle action that's nearly musical. I enjoyed reading over.



> some   small town this peaked my interest. "some". you free-up the reader to imagine where this small town might be. and a great first line!
> back alleys secrete a song  surprising, very original pairing!
> worth a trill  I always have a problem with this unless we're talking currency. maybe, simply "trilling"?
> young men are afraid to hum. just here, "fear" at its best.
> ...



Sparks of brilliance! Laurie


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## sas (Jul 2, 2017)

Hey, I'm back for a moment only.

i don't think you need the word "behind"

when one leaves, another stays


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## PsychoSarah (Jul 2, 2017)

I dare to make commentary on this as my first post. How bold/arrogant of me. The lines I really like won't have any commentary next to them. 

Some small town (Weirdly enough, the poem reads better to me without this line.)
back alleys secrete a song 
worth a trill ("worth" a trill? Trying to avoid saying "like a trill" in this line or "secrete a trill" in the previous line? It's like saying "secrete a song worth a ballad".)
young men are afraid to hum. 


They lay awake,
shirtless backs,
listen to each other’s ("one another's" could also work.)
menthol inhales. (Since later lines establish the act of smoking quite well on their own, this seems unnecessary. Furthermore, it almost seems like a sensual line and caused me to be further confused, thinking the smokers were lovers. Are they gay lovers, hence the title of the poem? That you call one "the older boy" makes them sound like brothers, as well as like young kids not of smoking age. I am confused.)


Bedroom smoke, (They're in a bedroom, not an ally?)
lit cigarettes flicker (I've been around a lot of smokers; they do not flicker. They burn like coals.)
from the older boy’s sill, (Kids smoking? Why mention an age difference?)
their laughter under a passing whistle sounds.


And when one
leaves, another stays
behind to help with the farm or store. 


Both herd home at night ("herd home" makes no sense, you mean "head home"?)
hidden in droves of suits,
or behind hay-bales 


and open their bedroom windows
to hear that same refrain, 
a summer train, or a sermon (That you avoided a rhyme between this line and the previous going at the end internally disturbs me. Probably because I generally use that type of rhyming scheme.) 
under a passing whistle. 

There were definitely interesting choices here, but I think you should really consider making changes to the ones that were sources of confusion. It completely wreaks attempts at visualization when one becomes uncertain as to what to visualize.


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## Nellie (Jul 4, 2017)

Space Cadet said:


> It's my attempt to provide a message that isn't over complex to the point of absurd, silly, esoteric, and seemingly nonsensical imagery.
> 
> Half joking but half serious:  There's a children's book where a country mouse moves to the city and a city mouse moves to the country; it's a riveting fish out of water story that I think would be fun to intertwine within this poem.  Adding animals to any poem makes for a much more interesting read.


 
IMO, your attempt _did_ provide the nonsensical imagery. This poem isn't complex. 

It seems to be about a country kid sneaking out at night, smoking, having sex behind the hay-bales, then herding home.

Love it!


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## Nellie (Jul 4, 2017)

PsychoSarah said:


> I dare to make commentary on this as my first post. How *bold/arrogant* of me.



:-k Since this is your FIRST post, it is rather bold!



			
				PsychoSarah said:
			
		

> They lay awake,
> shirtless backs,
> listen to each other’s ("one another's" could also work.)
> menthol inhales. (Since later lines establish the act of smoking quite well on their own, this seems unnecessary. Furthermore, it almost seems like a sensual line and caused me to be further confused, thinking the smokers were lovers. Are they gay lovers, hence the title of the poem? That you call one "the older boy" makes them sound like brothers, as well as like young kids not of smoking age. I am confused.)



How did you get so confused?  How does the title insinuate they are gay lovers?



			
				PsychoSarah said:
			
		

> Both herd home at night ("herd home" makes no sense, you mean "head home"?)
> hidden in droves of suits,
> or behind hay-bales


:uncomfortableness:

"Herd" makes sense to me.

Here is the definition of Herd:

_verb_:   cause to herd, drive, or crowd together,
Example:_"We herded the children into a spare classroom"_




			
				Psycho said:
			
		

> There were definitely interesting choices here, but I think you should really consider making changes to the ones that were sources of confusion. It completely wreaks attempts at visualization when one becomes uncertain as to what to visualize.



Whose confusion?  What are you trying to visualize? Poetry is about visualizing, thinking, interpreting. All have different views.
Welcome to poetry!


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## Space Cadet (Jul 5, 2017)

SilverMoon said:


> Wesley, you've keenly depicted an atmosphere, dim yet so alive with ambrosia of subtle action that's nearly musical. I enjoyed reading over.
> 
> 
> 
> Sparks of brilliance! Laurie





PsychoSarah said:


> I dare to make commentary on this as my first post. How bold/arrogant of me. The lines I really like won't have any commentary next to them.
> 
> back alleys secrete a song
> young men are afraid to hum.
> ...



(Abrupt changes made above.)


"It completely wreaks attempts at visualization when one becomes uncertain as to what to visualize."   Great.  I completely agree.  As per earlier posts, I have to eat these words.  But that's OK -- I'm loving the thread.    Thank you for commenting, critiquing.   -- Best, Wesley


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## escorial (Jul 5, 2017)

so proetry for me....great choice of words to describe a moment/time..so cool


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## Space Cadet (Jul 5, 2017)

escorial said:


> so proetry for me....great choice of words to describe a moment/time..so cool




Thank you, escorial, for stopping by and commenting/reading.  I appreciate your time and kind words.  Thank you again.  Wesley.


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