# Sunday school



## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

The church bells rang
loud noises
the entire city alerted 
and the morning birds 
were always taken by the wind
oh, where ever do
they go?
I stood out from the 
other boys
I always made an entrance
whenever I walked through 
the front door
those dam bolts always 
made a creeking sound
signaling my appearance
I could never just 
sneak right in 
indeed there was never 
any silence
no not one moment of peace..
I was born a frighty child
my knees, still weak
I never went anywhere 
without the crustaceans of
my unfulfilled appetite 
my luncheons, still 
hanging about- on 
the corners of my mouth
my shirt, untucked
I was a boy
what did I know or understand
about the washing 
of my hands?
the process of elimination
the descretation of all
the nasty filled germs?
but, through it all
I never gave up...


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 1, 2016)

Good evening, 

First, can I suggest breaking up your piece into stanzas? It will appear more organized and easy on the eyes. Thanks. I am going to break down each line and discuss it with you. 

*L1* - *The church bells rang

*Okay, this has a nice visual. I see a church and I hear the bells. 

*L2 *- *loud noises
*
Why not say, "The loud church bells rang"? 

*L3 *- *the entire city alerted *

What's the significance behind alerting an entire city with one church? Do you understand the difference between a town and a city? If the city has to be alerted by one main church, then there's some importance behind this event. Now, I am thinking the Pope is coming out to greet everyone. 

*L4* -  *and the morning birds *

Is 'and' necessary? 

*L5** -* *were always taken by the wind*

This is a nice touch. I can see them get "carried away". 

*L6 *- *oh, where ever do*
*L7 *- *they go?

*The tone here is intriguing. I am not sure if it actually works. 

*L8 -* *I stood out from the *

This is awkward, breaking away from *L9*'s '*other boys*' 

*L10 *- *I always made an entrance*

Okay, now what? Why? Where? Who's the audience for this 'entrance'? 

*L11 - whenever I walked through 

*This seriously shouldn't drag as much as it does. 'Whenever' implies time. Time in which an event doesn't always happen, but when it does ..  it does. 
*
L12 - the front door

*What about the front door? What front door? 

*L13 -  those dam bolts always 
*
What bolts? Why are they important to your entrance? 

*L14 - made a creeking sound

*Creeking? You meant, 'cre*a*king'. 
*
L15 - signaling my appearance

*Okay, I get it. The entrance is more or less created by these doors. Had they been quiet, you would have never made an entrance. I am not sure how the beginning does anything for this area of the piece. 
*
L16 - I could never just 

*Is 'just' necessary here? 
*
L17 - sneak right in 

*I am sure at this point we get the idea. 
*
L18 - indeed there was never 

*You're now entering the redundancy zone. Omit this. 
*
L19 - any silence

*You could create and depict a better scene. I believe in you. 
*
L20 - no not one moment of peace..

*I am not sure how this helps anything. 

*L21 - I was born a frighty child
*
Okay, I get it, but tell me more about the location. Why does it matter? 
*
L22 - my knees, still weak

*Adds nothing. What about inside? How's your character? 
*
L23 - I never went anywhere 

*Okay? 
*
L24 - without the crustaceans of

*Seriously? Awkward word choice. I mean, I'll grab some cocktail sauce, but ... 
*
L25 - my unfulfilled appetite 

*Try to focus more on concrete ideas. This is abstract. 
*
L26 - my luncheons, still 

*Okay, where are we going with this other than being picked on? 
*
L27 - hanging about- on 

*Omit. This isn't necessary. Adds nothing. 
*
L28 - the corners of my mouth

*Does it really matter if your food is stuck inside your mouth? 
*
L29 - my shirt, untucked

*What are YOU going to DO to stand up to THEM? 
*
L30 - I was a boy

*Gotcha*. 

L31 - what did I know or understand

*Okay, it's part of life, kid. 
*
L32 - about the washing 

L33 - of my hands?

*Wait, what? 
*
L34 - the process of elimination 

*What are we eliminating? 
* 
L35 - the descretation of all

*I think you meant something else. 
*
L36 - the nasty filled germs?

*What about them? 
*
L37 - but, through it all

*Okay, awkward. 
*
L38 - I never gave up...

*Great, but what the hell just happened? 


Look, you have an intriguing piece. You need a lot of clarity for more people to appreciate the experience you want to express. There's emotion trying to blossom like wildflowers. Give these flowers more light. Let them shine. Express yourself with the least amount of words and go straight to the point. Take what you wrote, and ask yourself what you want to tell the others. Then, write those words down. Create something from those ideas. You're giving me a blurred vision. I am not sure what to say or do at this point, but to tell you to focus. Focus on that memory. What do you want me to know?  There are a lot of gaps here. I want you to fill them. I believe in you. Stay strong, and keep writing.

Thanks for sharing.


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

Oh wow thank you. I think the whole point of a critique is to help someone grow. So believe me when I say this, I really appreciate this! And Ive previously heard simialr comments on my clarity, bottled up emotions, etc. So i will get right to work on those things


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 1, 2016)

That's exactly it. I'm looking forward to watching you grow into the poet you're destined to become. If you're interested, I can mentor you to practice releasing some of those emotions. I'll guide you until you're comfortable on your own.


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

Im re-writing the poem as we speak. If you want i can PM it to you when im done..


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 1, 2016)

Yeah, that'll be great. I'll be around. I've been bouncing between mobile and PC.


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## Firemajic (Jul 1, 2016)

rickyknight1 said:


> The church bells rang*** Use every opportunity to add drama/mood/imagery
> The church bells Thundered/clamored/ sang/ ect...
> loud noises** Cut.. if you use a more descriptive word in the line above, you don't need this line..
> the entire city alerted
> ...




I have a huge problem with your line breaks, it makes this poem read choppy and disconnected...  line breaks can be a fabulous tool, if used with skill..
I like this, and I think it has potential, even as rough as this reads, I can catch a peek at your style, and I believe you are a true poet... TRY.. try to find unique ways to express yourself as you did in the last few lines... Take your time, edit, then edit, check every word, make it work hard. Stay focused on your message, do not let it become diluted with unnecessary words... I see your potential, and that is very exciting! I hope my comments will inspire your fire...


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

Yes thank you!!! And I will get to work on it right away.


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

Sunday school (Revised)

The loud church bells
thundered and clamored
all across town

the morning birds 
were always
taken by the wind

I always resented
the flutter of
their freedom
we have 
no such luck
as to do
what we please

at school
my mothers wealth
made me an alien
like a fig
amongst thorns

all chatter 
would sieze
at my entrance
all glances locked on
like fiery darts
I was a cub
surrounded 
by starving hyenas

in those days
I was just a boy
a frightened child
my knees were
still weak
my shirt, untucked

But now 
When i see
those birds
I take pleasure
and delight
to greet them
every morning


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## Firemajic (Jul 1, 2016)

rickyknight1 said:


> Sunday school (Revised)
> 
> The loud church bells
> thundered and clamored
> ...


*** I was hoping for a stronger ending...

Fabulous! I can see that you worked hard to clean and tighten this poem, so much more coherent... How do you feel about what you have accomplished? Can YOU see/feel/read the difference?


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 1, 2016)

Wow, you did an excellent transformation! I am impressed! Now, this is so much easier to critique. That's when potential becomes profitable. You made something out of a bunch of silly fragments. Now, here are a few suggestions to come closer to a tighter fit. 




rickyknight1 said:


> my mother*'*s wealth (forgot the the apostrophe)
> made me an alien
> like a fig
> amongst thorns (you can say 'among')
> ...



Excellent! I am so proud of you. This was absolutely remarkable. I am so pleased to see how much you've refined this piece! The clarity is there. I can now focus on the message that was blurred in the beginning. I am looking forward to seeing if anyone else is willing to offer some advice. 

Thank you!


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 1, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> *** I was hoping for a stronger ending...
> 
> Fabulous! I can see that you worked hard to clean and tighten this poem, so much more coherent... How do you feel about what you have accomplished? Can YOU see/feel/read the difference?


Honestly i have a lot of great poems in my head lol but, writing them down is the hard part..

And honestly if it weren't for you guys well we all say the first draft haha!

Saw*







Thank you everyone!


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## Ariel (Jul 2, 2016)

rickyknight1 said:


> Sunday school (Revised)
> 
> The [strike]loud[/strike] church bells
> thundered and clamored*.*
> ...



I wanted to comment on this yesterday but my phone was not cooperating. I like your more original images and metaphors the one about the fig is especially beautiful. My changes are above and my reasons are below.

Stanza 1: Thundered and clamored both indicate that these bells are loud.  Either drop loud or "thundered and clamored" as the latter is more specific I suggest dropping "loud."  "All across town" is a rather weak and abstract idea.  The phrase is a lot stronger without it.  The more formal tone and subject matter needs punctuation.  

Stanza 2: What do you mean "taken" by the wind?  I imagine a rather strong wind that the birds can't fight against.  This gives a sense of danger but the next stanza brings us to the idea that they're having fun.

Stanza 3: This is exposition.  You're telling us what emotions we should have about the birds.  It'd be stronger if you let us come to that resentment and jealousy on our own.  If you do decide to leave this in I would suggest a stronger verb than "have."  I want to see something like "own."

Stanza 4: :Like a fig among thorns" is a lovely, original metaphor while "made me an alien" is clichéd.  I think you know which one you should cut.

Stanza 5: I'd like to see one set of images to convey all of this instead of so many metaphors.  I want to see something as beautiful and original as your fig line that will still convey the fear of the speaker.

Stanza 6: This is more exposition and, honestly, I'd cut this entire stanza.  It doesn't give us any new information and it doesn't strengthen the ideas you've explored.

Stanza 7:  This brings the birds back but they weren't used as an unifying image throughout the poem so we don't really know what the significance of these birds is meant to be.  

I like the idea of a school boy being afraid of his peers and feeling like the birds are an omen but there's nothing to indicate that that is what is happening.  I also don't know what the significance of the church bells is supposed to be.  If they're important then they need to have more presence in the poem or, if they aren't then they need cut.  I also think you really need just a few really strong images to tie this together and to convey what you really mean.  I also think that you need to really sit down and think about what you want this poem to say because, as it is, I don't think it's saying it.


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 2, 2016)

amsawtell said:


> I wanted to comment on this yesterday but my phone was not cooperating. I like your more original images and metaphors the one about the fig is especially beautiful. My changes are above and my reasons are below.
> 
> Stanza 1: Thundered and clamored both indicate that these bells are loud.  Either drop loud or "thundered and clamored" as the latter is more specific I suggest dropping "loud."  "All across town" is a rather weak and abstract idea.  The phrase is a lot stronger without it.  The more formal tone and subject matter needs punctuation.
> 
> ...


Ok I see what you mean. And im going to work on it


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## escorial (Jul 2, 2016)

three poems in one for me....as i read on  i was looking forward to the end and it did not disappoint....cool


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 2, 2016)

Sunday school

The first set
of church bells rang
it's voice clamored until
it reached the hill
where my mother and I
slept

I understood the
cold sweats 
my pulsing ears
I was fully convinced
Sunday school

The second set rang
the morning birds fluttered
I loathed their ways
freed from anxiety

At school
my mother's wealth
made me like
a fig amongst thorns
al though
I grew big and ripe
while they
withered and died

By the final set
I knew what the birds
meant
and why they soared
with the east wind

It was curtain time
there was a joyful 
tune in my heart
as I took 
the long road home


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## rickyknight1 (Jul 3, 2016)

Sunday school (Final version)

During childhood
I lived on a hill
On sundays I woke up 
to the sound of church bells
It would clamor all across town
reaching the hill kissing its feet.

At school 
I never fitted in 
with the basket of fruits 
I was a fig among thorns
at my entrance 
all chatter would cease 
all eyes locked on like fiery darts!

Stranded with the hyenas
I was a frightened child 
my knees were still weak 
my shirt- untucked 
I understood nothing about 
washing my hands 
the process of disintegration

Near sunset 
the bells would ring 
their final call. 
I knew the birds and the message 
they were trying to convey
I watched them with glee 
as they soared with the wind.


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