# Smoking Zone



## ned (Dec 10, 2015)

_/
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## Firemajic (Dec 10, 2015)

4th verse.. I love the word play going on with the word "Pack" hahaa..so cool.. pack of cigarettes .. smokers pressed into a pack... ok! Anyway.. the imagery is fabulous and the mood.. sorta surreal.. thanks for a coooool read..


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## Gumby (Dec 10, 2015)

Agree with Fire, nice imagery in this! I especially enjoyed the opening stanza, beautiful image! 

The one thing that jarred me was the use of 'unto this sanctuary' in the fourth stanza. It felt a bit religious, which is fine, but felt out of place, as the rest of the poem has no religious references. 

Nice one, ned.


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## Bosco (Dec 10, 2015)

This is good. 

I'm not a smoker, but I can appreciate how it brings people together, how it's something strangers can have in common as a kind of an "us against the world" kind of thing. 



> _releasing bar-room babble and a stranger_



I'd think about breaking this line at "babble." It kind of reads like the opened door is releasing a stranger. Otherwise, that burst of sound is immediately recognizable and often comforting, not unlike that first drag on the ciggy, I'm guessing.



> _The first drag,
> deep and strong, anticipates._



Thinking here that "anticipating" might work better. It would read more like the narrator is anticipating, rather than the "drag," if that makes sense.



> _we are pressed into a pack._



Nice, consistent metaphor.



> _my zone._



I'm wondering if you need this. Seems to go without saying. And "my killing" might be stronger way to end it.

Nice work. Strong overall. Thanks for posting.


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## ned (Dec 11, 2015)

hello - thank you for reading and your comments -

not really concerned with religious connatations - but maybe 'the second coming' might strike a chord

Bosco, you make good points as usual - forget the door, if it can release babble, then it can release anything from the pub. I reckon
'the first drag' is a moment - and has temporal meanings to the smoker - but the mootest of points.

my zone - yeah, blantant melodrama - for those who like their analogies rounded.

cheers Ned


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## Bosco (Dec 11, 2015)

ned said:


> forget the door, if it can release babble, then it can release anything from the pub.



Releasing the babble is such a visceral thing for me. Like it's bottled up inside the pub and when you open the door, it's comes out like this welcoming burst of warm energy. I can hear it. I can feel it. That's why it works so well for me.

Releasing a stranger? It's rather fuzzy by comparison. To me it doesn't work on the same level, and combing the two diminishes the impact of your much stronger image.

Just my opinion, as they say.


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## Gumby (Dec 11, 2015)

> not really concerned with religious connatations - but maybe 'the second coming' might strike a chord





> 'the first drag' is a moment - and has temporal meanings to the smoker - but the mootest of points.



I've seen that, myself and to be honest, it can actually look like it is a religious experience, when observed by another.


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## Red Sonja (Dec 11, 2015)

Having read and re-read several of your works that you've posted now, I want to say that a writer with your adaptive intelligence will go a long way, I think. Whether you intend a career or are just dinking around trying to impress someone, you will likely succeed. My criticism is that I think, like me, you have difficulty letting go of your idea once you've started to mess around with it and so every time you just sort of trail off instead of getting to some kind of definite end. I hope you're not offended at this. The starts and the middles are all above average or excellent in my opinion. 

Ending a poem is harder than ending a short story or a novel, right? It is for me! It seems so for you as well. Also, the tone of mild apology (for smoking? *snort* trust me, there are worst habits one can have) that creeps in toward the middle and reaches its climax at the end sort of takes away from the entire effect. You can mention that smoking is bad for you without apologizing...? Yes.....? I'll leave that up to your discretion, of course, because I don't know the effect you intended to have. 

But I would not have made these comments if ultimately I didn't like your poems. This one is not my favorite but it seems you are really thinking things through and putting some work into it.


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## jenthepen (Dec 11, 2015)

I think this poem is clearer to those of us from the UK. 
Now that it is illegal to smoke inside pubs and smoking shelters are provided outside (in the cold), the images of men and women huddled together to have 'a smoke' has become commonplace. The general atmosphere of disapproval from non-smoking drinkers can give these shelters the feeling of a 'retreat' and classify the occupants as strangers who have 'spilled out' of the warmth of the pub. 

Your poem expresses the camaraderie that grows up in the fleeting moments that throw exiles together and I enjoyed it a lot. Great descriptive imagery!

as an ex-smoker, I find it almost impossible not to advise you to give up but I will not...I will not...


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## inkwellness (Dec 13, 2015)

> _fumbling pockets
> and in sharing a match
> we are united by the light._


great line. A very enjoyable addition to your work.


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## ned (Dec 14, 2015)

hello Red Sonja, thank you for your considered and thoughtful post. 
all critique is most welcome - unless it's lame criticism for the sake of criticism (that's really annoying!)
although I am thankful for your kind words, I am perplexed by much of what you say.

you shouldnt try to second-guess other's motives for writing - it's invariably wide of the mark, and a rather personal matter.

_you have difficulty letting go of your idea once you've started to mess around with it_ - am I sticking with it or messing with it?
not sure what youre getting at. but surely, most poems require a cohesive idea for drive and focus? do you suggest the idea for
the poem is ignored for the ending?

_Ending a poem is harder than ending a short story or a novel, right? _- wrong.
a poem has no obligation to resolve any issues, can raise more questions than answers, can totally fail to round any circles -
a poem has the freedom to re-arrange the expectations of the reader - but maybe you expect too much.

_You can mention that smoking is bad for you without apologizing...?_
this is strange - certainly not any intention to even mildly apologize for the smoking - straight and honest, as to the condition, but unconditionally so.
It certainly seems obvious to you, but I can't even see a hint of an apology myself, so it would be helpful if you could be more specific.
maybe, its a cultural thing -

thanks for the post Jen - I'll pass your secret message on to the narrator, he's the smoker - I couldn't possibly comment.

thanks Inky, and for that image Gumby.....my aim is true...........
loving that christmas avatar.

Ned


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## TL Murphy (Dec 14, 2015)

A strong poem, Ned.  I like the opening.  It sets the scene.  Be careful of heavy adjectives.  It's better to use one adjective than two. It makes the adjective count, so choose one.  For example: "_upon pink, night-time clouds" __ The next line__ "lit up by the unrelenting city" __implies night-time, so you don't need it.  "Upon pink clouds" comes across stronger._


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## Robbie (Dec 15, 2015)

This is an unequivocal indictment on smoking, written so well I felt as if I were inhaling the smoke! I stepped outside and still not a breath' is an abstruce image as is 'pressed into a pack.' This is a clearly defined, exquisite poem. I could say it is beautiful albeit written about such a filthy habit/addiction. Great metaphors here.


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## ned (Dec 17, 2015)

hello, thanks for reading and your comments

TL, you make a good suggestion - but I like the cadence and difinity that 'night-time' gives that line, and then I still have to explain the pinkness!
 - but appreciate the point.

Robbie, thanks for your kind words - I'm glad I got to the heart of the matter, that's very encouraging.

cheers Ned


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## TL Murphy (Dec 17, 2015)

Ned, never explain anything in your poem. 'Pink' is explained by the next line, 'lit up by the city'. I still say it is better to use one adjective than two. The whole metaphore is stronger that way. So if you need to keep 'night-time'. delete 'pink'.  You could even put 'pink' in the next line. 'Lit pink by the unrelenting city'. (Love that image btw, 'unrelenting city')


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## ned (Dec 17, 2015)

hello TL,
thanks for taking the time to re-post your advice, which means it must be an important point for you - and so, gives me pause to reflect. 

bold brevity versus the aesthetic -
Ok, I can lose 'night-time' (isn't that one word?), but I have to keep pink. for me, at least, the clouds are a metaphore for the lungs.

I will edit and see how it hangs. - also, thinking of dropping 'of swirling blue smoke' - will think on.
thanks again for the advice
cheers Ned

PS looking better already, and nails my metaphore


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## audrey (Dec 20, 2015)

Hi Ned--There is a lot to like in this piece for me--strongly written--I like TL's comments to you--I am a minimalist--and tend to want to cut unnecessary verbiage--and I think it makes a poem stronger--I think TL's comments get to some of that--you have some "thes" and "ands" that you could easily cut and it might make the whole think move more--for instance

_I step outside,
still not a breath.
Stark winter trees
charcoaled



see what I mean?  Think about it-and use it if it is helpful--

Thanks--

A_


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## ned (Dec 21, 2015)

hello Audrey, welcome to the poetry forum - 

a minimalist eh, I like minimalist - they just want stuff taken out, which is a hell of a lot easier then putting stuff in.

and I see what you mean by trimming the opening - yet, I'm precious on that opening (bless!) and _not a breath 
_has to hang on it's own, for me. 
for the rest, I'll forgo impact for clarity, I think, for this sort of poem.

But I appreciate the thought - Keep 'em coming.

cheers
Ned


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## Fats Velvet (Dec 21, 2015)

As a smoker, this hits right.

I step outside and still,
not a breath.  Interesting image.  Winter stillness.  Somehow the loneliness seems _more_ punctuated by being able to see your own breath.  Just thinking out loud.
Stark winter trees
are charcoaled
upon pink clouds
lit up loud by the unrelenting city.   Great image.

The pub door opens,
releasing bar-room babble and a stranger I think these two lines could be condensed.  "The pub door releases..."
looking all too familiar, 
fumbling pockets
and in sharing a match,
we are united by the light.

The first drag,
deep and strong, anticipates.  Incomplete sentence.  One possibility is removing the period, but that might break the demarcation between sensations you have going on.
The second coming
hard and fast, confirming
that first acrid taste.
The rest is a matter of habit.  I'm not sure if this line adds much to the stanza.  It stands in contrast to the eschatolgy of the previous lines, I suppose.

Others spark and tipping ash,
we are pressed into a pack.  Well phrased.  I think a comma would keep things brisk.
Happy to be ourselves in each other,
as consider losing "as" companions of or "in"? addiction,
banished by common affliction
unto this sanctury.  sanctuary. There's contextual space here for "congregation" if you want to go in that direction.

From another quarter,
the moon struggles through the clouds
of swirling blue smoke
to illuminate 

 my smoking,
my comfort,
my killing,

my zone.  Awesome finish.

Awesome work.  Thoroughly enjoyed.


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## ned (Dec 22, 2015)

hello Fats,

appreciate the feedback and you make some valid points -

thank you-ary for spotting the typo (ouch)

the opening of V2 is OK but perhaps needs a stronger arrangement - will think on

I like the idea of breaking that sentence between the smoking sensations.
and again in V4 - will see how that goes.

as companions of addiction - has it both ways to me, with each other and their constant companion.

showed this poem to a smoker friend of mine - and she said that I've got the 'drags' the wrong way round.
so, unless she's peculiar, I feel obliged to edit for the sake of honesty.

thanks for the help
Ned

PS - forgot to say, thanks for the thumbs up on the ending.


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## laijunchen (Dec 24, 2015)

I love your use of color in the beginning and the double meaning of the word 'pack' in the middle. I'm a smoker myself so this really made a lot of sense to me and reminded me of similar experiences at pubs/etc. Really liked this piece. Good work.


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