# Leave



## Gumby (Oct 28, 2013)

removed by author


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## escorial (Oct 28, 2013)

I sense the feeling of missing and awaiting there return.


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## Kevin (Oct 28, 2013)

2nd stanza...oof!  I feel it. Walking the floors at 2am, in the blackness except for the cheap electric light...sucks. Great job. Too many nights, lately...


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## Gumby (Oct 28, 2013)

Thank you both, hubby and I have been apart for too long over this past year. It's beginning to take a toll, I think.


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## The Tourist (Oct 28, 2013)

Gumby said:


> whispered from the bottom of bottles and bibles.



Gumby, that is an incredible line.  It needed no explanation, it jumped off the page and crash-landed into my solar plexus.


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## dannyboy (Oct 28, 2013)

I agree with the tourist strong poem and a great finish.


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## Gumby (Oct 28, 2013)

Thank you Tourist and Danny, much appreciated.


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## ma348212 (Oct 28, 2013)

Last stanza is so powerful; the first, could use work, I think.


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## Gumby (Oct 29, 2013)

Thank you, ma348212, do you have any suggestions? I have considered cutting that one completely and just starting from stanza 2.


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## Pandora (Oct 29, 2013)

I like the first stanza, one dish says it all. I picture that and I feel sadness immediately, the fading over time.
 I think it is a gentle start to the poem. Gumby beautiful poem.
I am rarely without my guy, the images of the bed is felt so deeply. I prefer the recliner when we are apart.
Going mad without the one you love by your side, your last stanza, strong, I can imagine.
 I hope this time apart passes soon.


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## Gumby (Oct 29, 2013)

You're very kind, Pandi. Thank you.


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## Chesters Daughter (Oct 30, 2013)

Oh dear Baroness of Brevity, please don't nix S1. Like Pandora, I find those few lines very powerful and feel they set the stage perfectly. Your choice of enjambment is extremely effective. I know longing and you've captured it admirably and in a fashion that is unique to only you, Sis. Love this piece.


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## Gumby (Oct 30, 2013)

Thank you sis. I like that first stanza for the very reasons you and Pandi stated, so I'm happy to see that it worked for you ladies. In fact, that first stanza has been hanging around for years now, the only remaining survivor of the original poem.


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## Lace (Oct 30, 2013)

Hi, Gumby,

First off, a couple of nits!

- a hearts fading beat 
- a heart's fading beat  

- which echo’s my own
- which echoes my own 

The poem is fabulous. The first stanza reveals the narrator's domesticity (quiet house/washing a dish) and aesthetic concern (the faded pattern) to posit the _single_ (foreshadowing the speaker's oneness/aloneness) dish as a flawed instrument in the relationship.

While the first stanza is factual in its presentation, the ensuing stanzas are aptly figurative. S2 effectively captures the experiential flux. The bed's become a turbulent sea, but the speaker still reaches, and what she finds is part corpse, part treasure (i.e. her partner's chafed heart but also the "primordial memories" in which he calls to her "water to water"). 

One thing: The bed's not merely likened to a sea; it IS a sea; thus, I assume it's the sea, not the bed, that's been tossed upon the beach. Is that what you intended? 

The poem then progresses from sentiment (S2) to wisdom (S3)-- "this is how the straightjacket feels... when one [embraces] voices whispered from the bottom of bottles and bibles". 

Thanks for posting!
--lace


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## Gumby (Oct 30, 2013)

Lace, thank you for such a detailed analysis, I appreciate it very much. Punctuation is such a bugaboo for me, so thanks for correcting my mistakes. Sometimes I think I'll never become competent in that area. 



> One thing: The bed's  not merely likened to a sea; it IS a sea; thus, I assume it's the sea,  not the bed, that's been tossed upon the beach. Is that what you  intended?



Yes, it is meant to be how the bed feels, figuratively speaking,  to the op and though how you interpreted the chafing was different from how I meant it, it still works well. I like to think that a poem becomes more personal to the reader if there is some latitude in how it's perceived and that there isn't really a wrong way to interpret a poem, only different in some respects from what the author had in mind. 

Thank you, Lace.


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## tinacrabapple (Oct 30, 2013)

This is lovely!  Much enjoyed.


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## Gumby (Oct 30, 2013)

Thank you, tina, for the read and comment.  Glad you enjoyed it.


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## SungmanituTanka (Oct 30, 2013)

You knocked the air out of me. I know this feeling so very well, as I am often alone and waiting. Made me tear up. Thank you, as I feel a little less alone just now.


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## Gumby (Oct 31, 2013)

Why, thank you so much! Being alone can really bring out strong emotions. Makes me understand why hermits always seem to be just a little bit 'off'.


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## SungmanituTanka (Oct 31, 2013)

Gumby said:


> Why, thank you so much! Being alone can really bring out strong emotions. Makes me understand why hermits always seem to be just a little bit 'off'.



 It certainly does. And I'm probably more than a little 'off', lol.


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## apple (Oct 31, 2013)

The first stanza said it all.  The lonely air was established in those few plain words.  You went on to paint a picture of unease ,separation and worry. But most of all love.  You poem got my vote.  I was moved by it. Tha
nk you, Gumby.     my best, Sondra


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## Gumby (Oct 31, 2013)

I'm glad that love came through in this, with all the other emotions, I wasn't sure it had. Thanks, Sondra, I am always grateful for your input.


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## Squalid Glass (Nov 1, 2013)

The alliteration at the end adds punch to the image of madness. I really loved that entire last stanza, actually. It's so simple in diction, imagery, and structure, but it says everything the speaker wishes to be said. Very effective.


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 2, 2013)

Excellent!


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## Gumby (Nov 2, 2013)

Hey SG, we don't see nearly enough of you, these days.  Thank you for stopping by and for the nice comment.

Daniel, thank you, love the avatar. Wolves are beautiful.


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## The Revious One (Nov 2, 2013)

I don't post here much but I felt compelled to tell you how moved I was by this poem. The last stanza in particular is devastatingly effective. Beautiful work.


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## Gumby (Nov 4, 2013)

Thank you, Revious One.


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## akimade (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you for sharing this! I think the first stanza needs some work, but the following stanzas hit the mark with an exploration of feelings of loss. I really liked the reference to the woolen blanket.


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## Pietro (Nov 16, 2013)

> At night I walk these floors,
> the air clings, thick
> as a woolen blanket, scratching
> at my skin



You have engaged three of my senses with this. A very beautiful piece.


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## Gumby (Nov 16, 2013)

Thank you both, and welcome to the forums.


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## Vitaly Ana (Nov 16, 2013)

One of the best I have read on here. Maybe THE best - awesome piece!!


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## Gumby (Nov 17, 2013)

Thanks VA, what a nice thing to say.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 18, 2013)

Hi Gumby, really liked this poem. It makes me think of someone who has already been lost, though the poem is titled "When you leave." I especially liked the metaphor of the bed described as a turbulent sea, and the chafing sands...very beautiful.


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## Gumby (Nov 18, 2013)

Thank you Dreamy. That thought is actually very fitting, when you live in a situation where one is always 'leaving', the one who is left feels as if they've already lost.


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