# Her Cabin in the Fall



## Platoon (Nov 25, 2016)

_Inevitably tainted blue skies
Of bright cold afternoons
In that sunny old farm of hers ;
Autumn was here

Trees of many colors
And vastly laid lands
Of enormous demands
As I sat and watched goodness

Her cabin a shabby old thing
Of two rooms and a few closets
And herself running about
The duties of her demand

I asked about the autumn
In these parts of the country
To which she simply said
Find your goodness and your fall_


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## kaminoshiyo (Nov 26, 2016)

Platoon said:


> _Inevitably tainted blue skies_
> _Of bright cold afternoons
> In that sunny old farm of hers ;
> Autumn was here
> ...



I think the sentiment in this poem is very nice. Despite falling temperatures, autumn’s colors have a very warm, cozy embrace to the senses and it is displayed here in this poem with commendable ease. 

Some things gave it a bit of a clunky read, though…



> _Of enormous demands_
> _As I sat and watched goodness_
> 
> _Of enormous demands__-_
> _I sat and watched goodness(?)_





> _The duties of her demand_
> 
> _The __demand __of her __duties__(?)_


 
This was a very nice read. Autumn is my favorite season just for the things you’ve hit on here and it’s a little gift to be able to read it so articulately crafted here. Well done. Thank you.


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## Platoon (Nov 26, 2016)

Thank you for your feedback kaminoshiyo, much appreciated. 

I was also a little unsure about the « As I sat and watched goodness » line and thought about changing it. 
I meant to say as I sat and watched the cabin owner go about her daily life ; there was a sense of goodness to the way she lived. 
But it does sound a little clumsy perhaps and it's probably not the best place in the poem to insert the idea.

by « the duties of her demand » I meant to say she reached a certain level of freedom ; she works for herself according to her own demands. 
She chooses the duties that need to be done around. She's the one dictating the rythm of her day.

I wrote this pretty spontaneously without thinking much but I think the poem tries to capture a sense of calm happiness one may reach in old age. 
And the fall theme is linked to the fact the lady is in her older age. 

Autumn is a nice season.


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## jenthepen (Nov 26, 2016)

Hi, Platoon, it's good to see you in the poetry forum. 

I enjoy poems that paint a picture of a character and your capable farming lady is a great subject. Maybe you could give your character a name and describe some small aspect of her appearance to pop her into life in the mind of your audience. When I write about people in my stories or poems, I often have a mental picture of someone (any stranger glimpsed in a shopping mall will do) and base my descriptions on their faces or the way they are dressed or the way they act. It's so much easier to write an imaginative piece if you have an actual person to work from.

Anyway, I think you have the basis of a good poem here and it would be worth working at it.

jen


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 26, 2016)

I also think what you have here is good but that it can be refined and tightened up. Your last stanza is, by my opinion, the strongest. kaminoshiyo mentioned some of the clunky parts that could be souped up to make the overall product tighter and more, for lack of a better word, poetic. 

Just my two cents!


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## SilverMoon (Nov 27, 2016)

Welcome to Poetry, Platoon! 

I thoroughly enjoyed your poem because you tenderly portrayed a rural fall (and I happen to love barns). I like the idea that the woman is her "own" woman in her twilight years though I do think this needs to be clarified.

You explained a couple of points to kaminoshiyo which I think can actually be incorporated in the poem 

 1) And the fall theme is linked to the fact the lady is in her older age.

2) She's the one dictating the rythm of her day

For example: highlighted in blue.

Then a few asides...



> _Inevitably tainted blue skies
> Of bright cold afternoons
> In that sunny old farm of hers ;_ In that sunny old farm where she grew.
> _Autumn was here
> ...



Really great work and am looking forward to reading more... SilverMoon :moon:


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## Nihilist (Nov 28, 2016)

It remined me a hermit in a secluded rural area in the fall.  Great write.  This one hits home with me.


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## Platoon (Nov 30, 2016)

Thank you very much ! Greatly appreciated to have all these perspectives. 

Silvermoon, thank you for the welcome and I appreciate your feedback. When we try to judge our own work it's difficult to see it as another person would because we know the feeling that drives the poem ; we can be biased and think it tells more then it actually does!

Thank you all


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