# I Count Sheep



## rickyknight1

My eerie soul grows colder night after night
I've slept in forbidden darkness 
awaiting what lies beneath me in hades.

I've become a devil myself
like the crooked edge of a rusty ole sword
like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
like the knife I shall use to slit her throat.

I stand besides her door night after night
growing more brave.
I will never turn my other cheek nor will I pray for my enemies
they will all burn like the wild corns in a fire.

Like the souless man of the village
like the crying widow in the morning
so am I, broken and empty.

Sleepless nights crawl their spectral ways into my sheets
and daunting thoughts of murder seeps into me,
I have only one solution for all this
I like to count sheep.

I imagine them jumping over a hurdle-- one by one
and within a few moments 
another disturbed child slips into the realm of dreams.



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## Firemajic

Deleted by Firemajic


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## sas

Well captured! Bravo. 

I felt it needed trimming to essential words. I changed little. Remove periods. Made one line a mono-stitch to emphasize it and enjambed it into last stanza. I added extra "by one". I'm using my iPad so could not make proper em dash. Make sure you do. Those little dashes don't look right, and em dashes are important tool to have in poetry! Google Character Map to find and copy/paste into your work. You will need to scroll 3/4 down to find.



My (eerie)soul grows cold(er) night after night--
I've slept in forbidden darkness 
awaiting what lies beneath (me)in hades(.)

I've become a devil myself
like the (crooked) edge of a rusted (y) (ole) sword
like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
like the knife I shall use to slit her throat(.)

I stand by (besides) her door night after night
growing (more)brave.
I will never turn my (other) cheek nor (will I) pray for (my) enemies
(they will) all will burn like (the) wild corn(s) in a fire(.)

Like the souless man of the village
like the crying widow in the morning
so am I, broken and empty(.)

Sleepless nights crawl (their spectral ways)into my sheets
and (daunting) thoughts of murder seep(s) into me(,)
I have (only) but one solution . . .(for all this)

I (like to) count sheep(.)

jumping over a hurdle-- one by one by one
and within a few moments 
another disturbed child slips into (the realm of) dreams(.)


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## sas

So, Ricky . . . Why the LOL response to my comments?  Sas


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## Wizard27

Lol


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## rickyknight1

sas said:


> So, Ricky . . . Why the LOL response to my comments?  Sas


I never responded to any of your comments? I simply clicked the "like" button...

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## sas

Ricky, actually you accidentally, I assume, clicked the LOL button, only, at first. And, you've no response to my comments? Are you not responding to comments? I'd like to know for future reference.


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## rickyknight1

sas said:


> Ricky, actually you accidentally, I assume, clicked the LOL button, only, at first. And, you've no response to my comments? Are you not responding to comments? I'd like to know for future reference.


no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all. 

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## sas

rickyknight1 said:


> no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk




Hmmmm. Guess I've no idea what you mean. I'll just assume you don't want poems workshopped. Workshop usually is more of a give and take. But, not a problem.


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## Firemajic

rickyknight1 said:


> no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk





Thanks for the "heads up"... I won't be posting any comments on your poetry.
I do not think that a simple " THANK YOU"  is an unnecessary comment... sure you click the "Thanks "button... but a comment would be nice... it is just good manners.


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## rickyknight1

You guys have it all wrong, SAS thought I posted "LOL", to which I replied I didnt. I appreciate everything else you guys are bringing to the table, how did we even get this far? Do I even strike you as that kind of person to ignore thoughtful help? I should be offended by all of this but im not, I think we are having a misunderstanding.

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## rickyknight1

sas said:


> Hmmmm. Guess I've no idea what you mean. I'll just assume you don't want poems workshopped. Workshop usually is more of a give and take. But, not a problem.


Read my latest comment above and respond please.

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## rickyknight1

Firemajic said:


> Thanks for the "heads up"... I won't be posting any comments on your poetry.
> I do not think that a simple " THANK YOU"  is an unnecessary comment... sure you click the "Thanks "button... but a comment would be nice... it is just good manners.


Read my latest comment above and respond please.

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## Ptolemy

Yea I kinda feel like there was a form of overreaction, then some gross overestimation in the implied intent.


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## rickyknight1

Ptolemy said:


> Yea I kinda feel like there was a form of overreaction, then some gross overestimation in the implied intent.


thank you.

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## Firemajic

rickyknight1 said:


> Read my latest comment above and respond please.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk





Please accept my sincere apologies, my goals, as a Mentor are to offer you encouragement, support and inspiration...


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## Sebald

rickyknight1 said:


> thank you.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk



Ricky. Buddy. People aren't gonna wanna critique you if you act like this.

Sas might have put a whole morning into your poem. A day. It deserves more than a Like click.


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## Gumby

I like this poem, Ricky, and I agree with sas that it could be made even better with a little judicious trimming. I don't want to rewrite your poem, so this is just to show you what I mean:

My soul grows cold night after night
I sleep in forbidden darkness 
awaiting what lies beneath.

Makes it more immediate

I've become a devil myself
like the crooked edge of a rusty ole sword
like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
like the knife I shall use to slit her throat.

Just my personal opinion, not sure so many 'likes' help, I think they weaken it 

I stand besides her door night after night--- not sure this repetition offers anything to the poem.
growing more brave.
I will never turn my other cheek nor will I pray for my enemies
they will all burn like the wild corn in a fire.

I won't go through the whole poem, but I wanted to give you my take on how to strengthen this by example. It's your poem and you have to decide how to write it, we just offer opinion.


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## sas

Ricky, The first response from you was just LOL. I don't mind those, but there wasn't anything funny. I waited for your response, as assumed you accidentally clicked it. Only later did "like" show up, but still no real response, or thank you (I see you knew how to say thank you to Potolomy), to my workshop efforts. I am not a mentor here, for a reason. I can say what's on my mind. I'm not apologizing.


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## Ptolemy

sas said:


> Ricky, The first response from you was just LOL. I don't mind those, but there wasn't anything funny. I waited for your response, as assumed you accidentally clicked it. Only later did "like" show up, but still no real response, or thank you (I see you knew how to say thank you to Potolomy), to my workshop efforts. I am not a mentor here, for a reason. I can say what's on my mind. I'm not apologizing.



I'll stand up for the little guy here. 

I think the intent has been misinterpreted here. (As I've stated)

To me, an LOL is just as good as a Thank You. A LOL is a superficial tally that is intrinsically worthless overall, it's insignificant. It means next to nothing in this fragment of a life we live. I understand if you want a thank you, that's totally reasonable sas, however, I believe that Ricky didn't want to clutter the thread with multiple thank yous (for some reason). Your critique was great, thank you for it. He eventually 'liked' it too. 

I don't always get a "thank you" for the hour to an hour and a half critiques I give out in prose. It's just a way of life, some people are not verbally thankful. That doesn't mean they do not appreciate it, or are not thankful. We just need to accept it and move on. Parsing on about it builds nothing but a negative sentiment. 

You are also totally in your right to not apologize, I'm not (nor is anyone) forcing your hand here. I'm just stating that Ricky has seen the errors that he may have handled it differently than the norm, and has chalked it up as a misunderstanding. Which I agree, I believe there was a mix up in the signal fires here. 

So, do how you do. I, nor anyone, will stop you sas, I'm just saying: I believe there was a communication error here that Ricky has already addressed.


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## Kevin

I tend to give lots of lee-way around here. Temperamental, fartsy types... Geniuses, idiot savants, tightly wound retentives, the mentally 'augmented'( or gifted), and others, take your pick.  Projection is common, everywhere, including here, as is sometimes not knowing what to say, how to respond, or, in my case, trampling egg-shells in abandon. Crunch, crunch.


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## sas

I say there is much growing up to do in WF.  Lack of courtesy is one.


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## bdcharles

Kevin said:


> Temperamental, fartsy types



I read this as "temperamental fantasy types" and damn near beseeched (besooch?) the dark heavens to smite ya


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## Kevin

I struggled to find a connection to counting sheep. I understand it as counting sheep. It seems so 'normal' , not threatening or dark as compared to the rest. Perhaps that was the point, that ultimately the speaker finds a way to sleep by the ordinary.


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## Sebald

Thank goodness I don't recognise myself in that list.


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## Kevin

I am open to your slings and arrows, and/or peltings by rotten fruit. I deserve all.  Now then, let us be-track this thread to its proper course rather than derail.


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## Firemajic

rickyknight1 said:


> I never responded to any of your comments? I simply clicked the "like" button...
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk





Actually you clicked the "LOL" option several times... LOL= laugh out loud.... and that is confusing to someone offering you serious critique on your work.
Maybe your intentions were not meant to be rude, but that is exactly how it sounded, but since you explained, I am good with that. 
The Poetry thread is a place to post your work and receive helpful feedback and honest critique... hopefully you want to improve your skills, any serious poet/writer should always strive to improve, and the critiques given, are given for that reason. Feel free to ask questions and open a dialogue about your work... and of course it is nice if you offer your thoughts on other poet's work, it will be appreciated...and last, but not least, thank the members who cared enough to read your work and who offered you insight and feedback...
This poem shows remarkable talent and creativity....


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## rickyknight1

Sebald said:


> Ricky. Buddy. People aren't gonna wanna critique you if you act like this.
> 
> Sas might have put a whole morning into your poem. A day. It deserves more than a Like click.


Read the comments above because that's not the issue here, it has nothing to do with the art or the critique. SAS crossed the line with me when he accused me of something that is false, which is why I went out of my way to correct it.

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## rickyknight1

Firemajic said:


> Please accept my sincere apologies, my goals, as a Mentor are to offer you encouragement, support and inspiration...


The problem is SAS thought I responded "LOL" to which I replied no I didnt, now Firemajic you've commented on my work before and I always respond. And I know you can tell that I've been improving even if it is little by little. SAS thought I made a comment which I didn't and that's what ALL of this is about. I appreciate the fact that you find me worthy to be mentored by you, and I promise to get better 

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## rickyknight1

sas said:


> Ricky, The first response from you was just LOL. I don't mind those, but there wasn't anything funny. I waited for your response, as assumed you accidentally clicked it. Only later did "like" show up, but still no real response, or thank you (I see you knew how to say thank you to Potolomy), to my workshop efforts. I am not a mentor here, for a reason. I can say what's on my mind. I'm not apologizing.


The issue is you're upset because I didn't respond to every single post including yours and for that I'm sorry, I will try harder next time to respond to all of them. I want you to know I've taken all of your advice into consideration. So please, do not read my actions as "rude" because that is far from the truth, and I hope we can put this behind us and get back to writing with the talents that God has given us.

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## rickyknight1

Ptolemy said:


> I'll stand up for the little guy here.
> 
> I think the intent has been misinterpreted here. (As I've stated)
> 
> To me, an LOL is just as good as a Thank You. A LOL is a superficial tally that is intrinsically worthless overall, it's insignificant. It means next to nothing in this fragment of a life we live. I understand if you want a thank you, that's totally reasonable sas, however, I believe that Ricky didn't want to clutter the thread with multiple thank yous (for some reason). Your critique was great, thank you for it. He eventually 'liked' it too.
> 
> I don't always get a "thank you" for the hour to an hour and a half critiques I give out in prose. It's just a way of life, some people are not verbally thankful. That doesn't mean they do not appreciate it, or are not thankful. We just need to accept it and move on. Parsing on about it builds nothing but a negative sentiment.
> 
> You are also totally in your right to not apologize, I'm not (nor is anyone) forcing your hand here. I'm just stating that Ricky has seen the errors that he may have handled it differently than the norm, and has chalked it up as a misunderstanding. Which I agree, I believe there was a mix up in the signal fires here.
> 
> So, do how you do. I, nor anyone, will stop you sas, I'm just saying: I believe there was a communication error here that Ricky has already addressed.


Thank you 

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## Ptolemy

Oh...... Okay I see the problem here....

It's miscommunication on both sides. 

Sas asked why Ricky "responded with LOL" when he in fact clicked the 'LOL Button' in a showing of "Thanks" 

Rickey then asked in confusion that he didn't respond LOL because he didn't want to clutter the thread with a "useless post" 

Sas thought Ricky was insinuating that a proper "Thank you" is a "useless" post, and felt (I guess) mocked by not reciving a reason behind Rickey clicking 'LOL' 

Ricky (and I did too) got confused and thought that Sas was insinuating that he _*POSTED *_LOL, when he didn't he simply clicked the LOL button

However, Sas's point wasn't that he *POSTED *LOL, it's that he *CLICKED *[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]LOL, and wanted a reason why he would click LOL for a serious critique.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]That's why everyone has their pants in a twist. Miscommunication on both sides.  [/FONT]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Detective _Ptolemy Holmes_ solves the case. 

*Obligatory, Cringy, Elementary Joke*[/FONT]


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## rickyknight1

Ptolemy said:


> Oh...... Okay I see the problem here....
> 
> It's miscommunication on both sides.
> 
> Sas asked why Ricky "responded with LOL" when he in fact clicked the 'LOL Button' in a showing of "Thanks"
> 
> Rickey then asked in confusion that he didn't respond LOL because he didn't want to clutter the thread with a "useless post"
> 
> Sas thought Ricky was insinuating that a proper "Thank you" is a "useless" post, and felt (I guess) mocked by not reciving a reason behind Rickey clicking 'LOL'
> 
> Ricky (and I did too) got confused and thought that Sas was insinuating that he _*POSTED *_LOL, when he didn't he simply clicked the LOL button
> 
> However, Sas's point wasn't that he *POSTED *LOL, it's that he *CLICKED *[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]LOL, and wanted a reason why he would click LOL for a serious critique.[/FONT]
> 
> [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]That's why everyone has their pants in a twist. Miscommunication on both sides.  [/FONT]
> 
> [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Detective _Ptolemy Holmes_ solves the case.
> 
> *Obligatory, Cringy, Elementary Joke*[/FONT]


Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! LOL, and thank you for clearing this up for me 

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## Firemajic

I am still confused, ricki, as you used the thank you and lol option on my post where I apologized to you... clicking a thank you, like or lol is a response... sooo, why "lol" on my apology ?


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## rickyknight1

sas said:


> Well captured! Bravo.
> 
> I felt it needed trimming to essential words. I changed little. Remove periods. Made one line a mono-stitch to emphasize it and enjambed it into last stanza. I added extra "by one". I'm using my iPad so could not make proper em dash. Make sure you do. Those little dashes don't look right, and em dashes are important tool to have in poetry! Google Character Map to find and copy/paste into your work. You will need to scroll 3/4 down to find.
> 
> 
> 
> My (eerie)soul grows cold(er) night after night--
> I've slept in forbidden darkness
> awaiting what lies beneath (me)in hades(.)
> 
> I've become a devil myself
> like the (crooked) edge of a rusted (y) (ole) sword
> like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
> like the knife I shall use to slit her throat(.)
> 
> I stand by (besides) her door night after night
> growing (more)brave.
> I will never turn my (other) cheek nor (will I) pray for (my) enemies
> (they will) all will burn like (the) wild corn(s) in a fire(.)
> 
> Like the souless man of the village
> like the crying widow in the morning
> so am I, broken and empty(.)
> 
> Sleepless nights crawl (their spectral ways)into my sheets
> and (daunting) thoughts of murder seep(s) into me(,)
> I have (only) but one solution . . .(for all this)
> 
> I (like to) count sheep(.)
> 
> jumping over a hurdle-- one by one by one
> and within a few moments
> another disturbed child slips into (the realm of) dreams(.)


And if you must know, I actually prefer your version of my poem above my own, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you that. 

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## rickyknight1

Firemajic said:


> I am still confused, ricki, as you used the thank you and lol option on my post where I apologized to you... clicking a thank you, like or lol is a response... sooo, why "lol" on my apology ?


Read Ptolemy's post, in it he explains that it was an accident. I didn't mean to click or post LOL. This why I'm upset because I feel like you guys aren't listening to me. I've been trying to explain that we're having a simple miscommunication problem, that's all. We should of never let things get out of hand the way that they have.

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## Ariel

*I agree that this has ventured far off topic. This is not the place to discuss critique etiquette. Since this is a MISUNDERSTANDING let us now return to our regularly scheduled discussion--Ricki's poem.*


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## Sebald

rickyknight1 said:


> Read the comments above because that's not the issue here, it has nothing to do with the art or the critique. SAS crossed the line with me when he accused me of something that is false, which is why I went out of my way to correct it.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk



OK Ricky, that's cool. I'm sure you'd rather we were upfront, and able to clear the air.


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## rickyknight1

Sebald said:


> OK Ricky, that's cool. I'm sure you'd rather we were upfront, and able to clear the air.


Im a student of wisdom, and wisdom in itself says you must always learn to listen. In other words if I can't handle a critque than how can I access growth? Acoording to wisdom it would be impossible, so believe me when I tell you  that Im grateful for everyone. And all of their posts.

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## Sebald

rickyknight1 said:


> Im a student of wisdom, and wisdom in itself says you must always learn to listen. In other words if I can't handle a critque than how can I access growth? Acoording to wisdom it would be impossible, so believe me when I tell you  that Im grateful for everyone. And all of their posts.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


Have a good day.


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## PiP

Okay, moving back to offering critique on Ricky's poem. 

Ricky, on first read I' love this poem! But I am confused by

My eerie soul grows colder night after night
I've slept in forbidden darkness 
awaiting what _lies beneath me in hades_.

BEcause beneath me reads like it is a place rather than a person :scratch:

My knowledge of Greek mythology is a little hazy so I conducted a little research




> ades[/FONT] was the brother of [/FONT]Zeus[/FONT] and [/FONT]Poseidon[/FONT]. After the overthrow of their father, [/FONT]Cronus[/FONT], he drew lots with them to share the universe. He drew poorly, which resulted in becoming lord of [/FONT]the underworld[FONT=&quot] and ruler of the dead. Nevertheless, he was not considered to be death itself, as this was a different god, called [FONT=&quot]Thanatos[FONT=&quot]. Greedy like his brother [FONT=&quot]Poseidon[FONT=&quot], he was mainly interested in increasing his subjects, and anyone whose deeds resulted in people dying was favoured by him. [FONT=&quot]The Erinnyes[FONT=&quot] (the Furies) were welcomed guests in his kingdom.[FONT=&quot]The Greeks were not keen on uttering his name, afraid of causing some kind of reaction that would end up with them dead sooner. Instead, they decided to give him another name, Plouton, deriving from the Greek word for wealth, due to the precious metals mined from the earth. Thus, Hades also became the god of wealth.
> Although an Olympian, [/FONT]Hades[/FONT] preferred the Underworld and rarely left his kingdom. His weapon was a pitchfork, which he used to create earthquakes, similar to the way [/FONT]Poseidon[/FONT] used his trident. He also had a helmet of invisibility, which he had received as a gift from the [/FONT]Cyclopes[/FONT], in order to use it during the clash of the [/FONT]Titans[FONT=&quot]. He was married to [FONT=&quot]Persephone[FONT=&quot], daughter of [FONT=&quot]Demeter[FONT=&quot], whom [FONT=&quot]Hades[FONT=&quot] abducted and carried down to the Underworld.


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## rickyknight1

PiP said:


> Okay, moving back to offering critique on Ricky's poem.
> 
> Ricky, on first read I' love this poem! But I am confused by
> 
> My eerie soul grows colder night after night
> I've slept in forbidden darkness
> awaiting what _lies beneath me in hades_.
> 
> BEcause beneath me reads like it is a place rather than a person :scratch:
> 
> My knowledge of Greek mythology is a little hazy so I conducted a little research


Yes you are correct, but in my case I was reffering to the underwold or "Hades" as I often heard others call it. But thank you for bringing that to my attention I will make note of it 

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## PiP

You are spot on! I just checked the Urban dictionary



> The Lord of the Underworld and [/FONT]brother of Zeus in Greek mythology.[/FONT] Commonly used as an alternative word[FONT=&quot] for "hell[FONT=&quot]," but the Pit of Tartarus was hell and Hades was the one who ruled over it.



I've never heard of hades as an alternative word for hell. We live to learn  Thank you.


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## rickyknight1

PiP said:


> You are spot on! I just checked the Urban dictionary
> 
> 
> 
> I've never heard of hades as an alternative word for hell. We live to learn  Thank you.


And if you look further into my poem Im predicting the birth of Hades or how he came to be. Well at least in my version of it, but maybe im giving away too much? lol 

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## Ariel

Hades was also the underworld where _all_ souls went upon death. Tartarus was the place of torment and Elysium the place of reward. To get either of those you had to be really bad or really good. Everyone else just wandered this gray, desolate wasteland named Hades.


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## C.Gholy

It was pretty cool.  
I like the eerie tone.


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## rickyknight1

C.Gholy said:


> It was pretty cool.
> I like the eerie tone.


thanks

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## C.Gholy

You're welcome.


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