# lovesick



## SilverMoon (Apr 17, 2019)

I see science in your eyes 
a formal climate
of catastrophes
stilled and silenced
 by sound of
 thought -
shrill as 
red,
if color
 could shout.

Each time
I look at you
a pasteur rises-
swift like silkworms
green like sick chickens -
a kind of cholera wall.

_but then_

I see love
 through a microscope
dissect it like an insect 
til all that's left
 is the pulp of it, 
 black  
like a leper’s toe
fermenting in fret.

_I have a theory -_

there’s no cure for us.


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## ned (Apr 18, 2019)

hello - a very original poem - real sickness as lovesickness?

though, I can't make head or tail of the first verse.
then we go into sickly metaphors, that are hard to make sense of, or even faintly chime with lovesickness, for me.

sorry Silver, maybe it's just me, but I couldn't recognise anything here.

till = til
typo - than than


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## midnightpoet (Apr 18, 2019)

I see the poem distilled in the last verse.  Interesting imagery - there are places where it could be tightened; like "a pasteur rises when I see you."  However, cutting words and rearranging sentences would be just cosmetic I believe.  Good job.


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## SilverMoon (Apr 18, 2019)

ned said:


> hello - a very original poem - real sickness as lovesickness?
> 
> though, I can't make head or tail of the first verse.
> then we go into sickly metaphors, that are hard to make sense of, or even faintly chime with lovesickness, for me.
> ...


Hia, ned. Thank you for finding this poem to be an original one. It's not inteded to be easily deciphered, at least upon a first read. So, in your stating that you cannot make heads of tails of it, points not only to your honesty but to what I was counting on, an attempt to grasp the enigmatic. It's a "riddle poem", a kind of verbal puzzle describing something without actually naming it.

It's also "pun poem" where one "play-on word" is the center word which has more than one or more meaning/or replacement of a word which cancels out the the doublel entandre.

The key/central word here is "pasteur". This is not a misspell of "pasture". I am referring to Louis Pasteur, the French Chemist, Physicist, Biologist and one of the greatest saviors of humanity. He's best known for his "Germ Theory" - the causes and prevention of diseases.

In S2, below, the imagery points to subjects of his cures - he came to the rescue of the silkworm with disease and invented innoculation for chicken cholera - also for rabies.  

This piece is not a riddle for sole riddle's sake. In this stanza, it explores a man's need to keep others at a distance. The pasture rises. It becomes a wall, a "cholera wall" which the man has created around himself. No one dare climb over it because it's diseased. "



> Each time
> I look at you
> a pasteur rises-
> swift like silkworms
> ...




About your question as to first verse's meaning:



> I see science in your eyes
> a formal climate > He maintains strick control of self. The atmopshere of his personality
> of catastrophes
> stilled and silenced
> ...



Ned, you ask 





> real sickness as lovesickness?


The title "lovesick" hints at these sickness I described. It's aslo a "play-on" word. Neither can the woman ever get close to anyone. She intellecualizes love. In this way, she also has built a wall around herself. The "microscope" is her wall.

Pertaining, to the most joyous and rewarding of human bonds, the inability to love is a disease/sickness, as I see it. They are not even lovesick for love. Take the "Schizoid Personality", they can never love, just become fond of someone.  So, yes a real sickness that cannot be cured, in this instance.



> till = til


 I'm taking your advice - "til" insead of "till". The latter is an older word. "til" is more informal and poetic.  

Thanks ned, for your review, questions and grammatical tips. 



midnightpoet said:


> I see the poem distilled in the last verse. Interesting imagery - there are places where it could be tightened; like "a pasteur rises when I see you." However, cutting words and rearranging sentences would be just cosmetic I believe. Good job.



Thanks, Tony! I did try to aim for a good job. My first "pun/riddle" poem and not without its challenges. I suppose after reading my reply to ned you might get why some of the imagery gets streched out a bit. It's not quite a narrative poem, where imagery does not play the largest role, but one which does has a story to be unraveled.


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## Thomas Norman (Apr 19, 2019)

Laurie I read your poem yesterday and decided not to comment at once as I could see it was a deep one that needed careful consideration. I copied it and studied it last night  when I had time to "get into it". Now this morning I see you have replied with explanations and I see I got it a bit wrong! However, I'll copy here what I concluded exactly as I wrote it. 

[This poem has deep meaning and needs careful analysis. In the first place I think the title and first line gives a clue to what follows. Science and Lovesick to me offer a way to bring the two together in a dance of death. Clearly the poem is aiming at various sicknesses; Pasteur discovered penicillin which revolutionized man's fight against disease. But was not a cure for lovesickness. The way the first stanza narrows down to 'red' the colour of blood and then that silent shout. Blood cannot speak but carries great potential, including disease. I get the feeling this first stanza has more to say that I'm unable to "get at". There's certainly a human in there somewhere; perhaps protesting? 

Stanza 2 is more straightforward showing the cures wrought by penicillin and the erection of a theoretic wall. Then that very important single line "_but then"  _we turn to the lovesickness. Again the stanza narrows to the colour, but this time it's "black" and we know that love has no chance. It's there, a sickness with no cure as told in the final couplet. We are indeed worse off than germs! ] 

That's what I thought last night, now having read your comment above I see how shallow my reading was and I entirely missed many of the poem's deeper meaning. Well I knew it was deep but much more so than I thought.
A wonderful poem and I shall now study it with greater insight. This is what experimental poetry is all about! T.


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## ned (Apr 19, 2019)

hello Silver - thank you for your considered response.

yes, I'm aware of Louis Pasteur thank you (I did go to school) and understood 'pasteur' loosely fitted into the wider poem.
I drink pasteurised milk every day. 

but I wasn't asking for an explanation - and if a lengthy one is required, then perhaps the poem comes up short.

yes, poetry can sometimes be enigmatic - but purposefully puzzling doesn't do it for me, as a reader.
lacking the rewards for my time with poetic meaning, insight and resolution.

perhaps in future, you should label such poetry, to warn those readers who don't want to play the game..

for me, it is frustrating that you obviously have the poetical technique and the germ of an idea (yes, pun intended)
yet choose to express it in an unfathomable way - does it come easier to you in this fashion?


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## SilverMoon (Apr 19, 2019)

> Originally Posted by *Thomas Norman*
> 
> Laurie I read your poem yesterday and decided not to comment at once as I could see it was a deep one that needed careful consideration. I copied it and studied it last night when I had time to "get into it". Now this morning I see you have replied with explanations and I see I got it a bit wrong! However, I'll copy here what I concluded exactly as I wrote it.
> 
> ...


 Thomas, thank you so much for giving my poem such degree of thought/study. This comming from a seasoned poet and one of great stature which I concluded after reading _just one _of your poems means more to me than you could know. It would also mean as much to me comming from a poet who is also curious without such background. Curiosity doesn't kill the cat. It's a gift meant to enliven the intellect.

There's no right or wrong when writing outside classical structure. Your very keen analysis/take on my poem caused _me _to re-read it several times. Your notions of what the two colors represent: "Red" as being blood and "Black" as having no chance for love - run deeper than my intent, in fact. Simply, a brilliant interpretation. You've enriched my mind and perhaps, your metaphors, re-constructed, will find themselves in poem to come. 





> I get the feeling this first stanza has more to say that I'm unable to "get at". There's certainly a human in there somewhere; perhaps protesting?


  I will be re-visiting this stanza. I think a seque might be required. Thanks!

This experimental poem, the "puzzle/pun", was not easy to come by but rewarding throughout the entire write, not just in the final outcome. Venturing without a very firm and certain intent is nothing new to me and surely other writers experience this kind of ride - writing by the headlights.

For this review, I thank you. It's this kind of give and take which makes for a classroom. This is what I think the boards should be all about. With this being said, I am now all the better of a student for it. Much thanks, Laurie


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## SilverMoon (Apr 19, 2019)

Hi ned, thank you for your reply.  Given that your points are singularly direct it will be easier for me to quote you then respond.



> sorry Silver, maybe it's just me, but I couldn't recognise anything here.


 Given that nothing about the poem resonated with you, I felt it was my responsibility as author/fellow poet to explain. 



> but I wasn't asking for an explanation -


 Per you statement above, why would you not want one? 



> and if a lengthy one is required, then perhaps the poem comes up short.


 If a reply is lengthly, I see it as an act of generosity having nothing to do with the poem's merrit.  



> yes, I'm aware of Louis Pasteur thank you (I did go to school) and understood 'pasteur' loosely fitted into the wider poem.


 That you saw "pasteur" was a good fit is pleasing. Whether or not you went to school is no matter of importance. There are plenty of "educated fools" out there.




> I drink pasteurised milk every day.


 It's fortunate that you're blessed with such convenience. I live on a farm and have to milk my own cow everyday (a polite _winky_)




> yes, poetry can sometimes be enigmatic - but purposefully puzzling doesn't do it for me, as a reader.


 ned, if it ain't yo thang, sometimes it jus be dat way. Everyone has a perogative to like or dislike a poem.  A puzzle is always created with purpose. Think board game puzzles.




> for me, it is frustrating that you obviously have the poetical technique and the germ of an idea (yes, pun intended)
> yet choose to express it in an unfathomable way - does it come easier to you in this fashion?


 Not one of my poems comes easy by me. If they were to, I might as well keep them to my own personal journal. _And I like your pun!_




> perhaps in future, you should label such poetry, to warn those readers who don't want to play the game..



Sorry, no way Jose'! The only "warning" I'll preface to a poem is "LANGUAGE USED", a ruling for Poetry implemented by Staff. 


Yeah! And good for us. We've just hashed this out in a civil and direct way. No kidding....I might do my own spin on "Mary had a Little Lamb" And might use LANGUAGE to spice it up!

Thanks again, ned.


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## Firemajic (Apr 19, 2019)

SilverMoon said:


> I see science in your eyes
> a formal climate
> of catastrophes
> stilled and silenced
> ...




OOOO Gawd! Laurie, you know I am a fan of your fantastically twisted mind... I have one too  Now... the imagery is fabulous and your poetic language is second to none... but.... here's the thing... people read poetry for many personal reasons and I know you know that. I read poetry hoping to gain insight into MY OWN twisted mind... hoping to learn something new about myself, or to be shown a tired emotion in a new and exciting way... while your poem has some of those elements, I found this poem chaotic...and I felt like I was not smart enough to unravel the mystery... Did I like it? Yes I did.... Can I relate to the emotions? I cannot, because I don't completely grasp the message... Thank you for sharing....


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## SilverMoon (Apr 19, 2019)

Juls, I have been wondering where you've been! I've been abscessed for sometime as well, too. lol

We've known each other for a long time and can easily say that it has been you who had consistantly cheered me on from the start, providing me with confidence which allowed me to bring that extra_ push you over the cliff _Confessional writes. 

Trust, I'm not done with them. Even after all this time, there's so much territory to cover. The map of me is somewhat world-wide, as I know yours is. 

I'm really glad you took to the imagery, some of which is pretty gross. I think this is just one testament to us meeting up on firm ground, shaking hands and saying "OOO Gawd, I'm so glad you're my "twisted sister" (isn't that a band?!)

The thing is. There _is nothing_ emotional about this poem because the two persons are entirely void of them. Only in this, did "I" find sadness.

The poem is up for interpretaion. Like I said to Thomas, who went his own brilliant way with it, there's no right or wrong here. 

And if the language is just simply appreciated, I'm glad for that and thank you. I've read plenty of poems beyond my reach yet fell in love with the lanuage. Then I just "Let the Mystery Be" (an Iris Dement song)  - took what I needed from them and that was all. 

And I'm not all that smart. Since I never wrote a thesis about "The Germ Theory", I had some boning up to. The search bar has never been a stranger to me. I just liked to be armed with exactness in order to abstract it, if this makes any sense? My Confessionals have at times required research.

Thanks. And again, I've missed you and _your_ flair for words! Both in your poetry and reviews....


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## midnightpoet (Apr 19, 2019)

Firemajic and SilverMoon; two of my favorite ladies (glad you're both carrying on - not that I would expect you wouldn't).  One of the great things about poetry is that the reader can assume it means what they think it means, although this can frustrate the poet.  You go, girls!


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## dannyboy (Apr 20, 2019)

Hi Silver,

haven't read replies yet, so I'll do my take and see how close, or distant I got.




SilverMoon said:


> I see science in your eyes   - not good for the one being looked at – seen as an object, something under the microscope?
> a formal climate
> of catastrophes - a set system that repeats?
> stilled and silenced
> ...


 - so the love has no future, is mindless, blind and really just something to get over, to cure and get on with life.


so two people, one  a scientist observing the other as if under a microscope, safe way to observe the lover you no longer love?
Strong poem, thank you for the read...that toe will linger with me for a while.


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## SilverMoon (Apr 20, 2019)

> Originally Posted by *Midnightpoet*
> 
> Firemajic and SilverMoon; two of my favorite ladies (glad you're both carrying on - not that I would expect you wouldn't). One of the great things about poetry is that the reader can assume it means what they think it means, although this can frustrate the poet. You go, girls!


 Thanks, Tony! Juls and I make 
"Doing the Twist" _remember that dance?" _look like a Waltz. And am sure she agrees with me that it's nothing less that great to hear that we're one of your favorite ladies! Hugs, for that one!


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## SilverMoon (Apr 20, 2019)

> -
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Danny, thank you for pointing to the specifics in quote. I love your interpretation, especially about red representing "blood, passion" being blood. You're in good company here with this take.

What I was getting at is that the two are incapable of love. A kind of sickness in itself. And am really pleased that "toe" will be lingering with you! You are a master of imagery. Just don't step on it. lol! Thank you, again. Laurie


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## Squalid Glass (Apr 20, 2019)

I'm always amazed by three technical things in your work: alliteration, the turning of unique figurative language, and the parallelism of your stanzas. All three are at work here in spades.

The presentation here is also supreme. The sort of dark humor and irreverence of the presentation, I mean. Sort of like a scientific, emotionless dive into emotion. And of course, the melancholy conclusion presented so matter-of-factly. That's a hallmark of your work and something I'm immediately attracted to in verse: the tonal normalization of melancholy subjects. 

One critique? Longer lines. Thicker diction. Scientifify this scientific musing.


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## SilverMoon (Apr 20, 2019)

Thanks, Glass. And much of what you've said is a credit to my studying and your work over the many years.


> One critique? Longer lines. Thicker diction. Scientifify this scientific musing.


 I agree. And know why you pointed to this. Your work is rich in the fleshing out of ideas/characterizations. When, and it will probably be at some point the future, hopefully not too far, I'll be keeping this in mind. Requires lots of energy!

I would have liked my lines, stanzas to have been more strickly placed in order to give a kind of visual onomatopoeia feel in tandem with[FONT=Roboto, arial, sans-serif] the stoic nature of this piece.. That's_ my_ crit![/FONT][FONT=Roboto, arial, sans-serif]

[/FONT]Thanks again. You never fail me...


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## unveiledartist (Apr 23, 2019)

SilverMoon said:


> I see science in your eyes
> a formal climate
> of catastrophes
> stilled and silenced
> ...




This is a unique poem. I read it a couple of times (in a good way) to get a sense of the poems message. Without the "science" part, I'd be lost in how what you're describing relates to love. As a whole it starts light then the tone is more, how can I say, strong as if looking at a butterfly one minute and then a dragonfly the next. Was that your intention to say: "I saw you this way and thought it was love, but now I was wrong and see more deeply into that love and found out it wasn't what I thought" type of thing?

My biggest critique is the poem would still work with the last line taken out. It would sound like an abrupt ending, but given the tone (if my assumption above is correct), it works well. 

Nice job.


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## Firemajic (Apr 23, 2019)

midnightpoet said:


> Firemajic and SilverMoon; two of my favorite ladies (glad you're both carrying on - not that I would expect you wouldn't).  One of the great things about poetry is that the reader can assume it means what they think it means, although this can frustrate the poet.  You go, girls!




SmOOOOches to you, my fabulous friend....  you are my favorite midnightpoet....


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## SilverMoon (Apr 23, 2019)

unveiledartist said:


> This is a unique poem. I read it a couple of times (in a good way) to get a sense of the poems message. Without the "science" part, I'd be lost in how what you're describing relates to love. As a whole it starts light then the tone is more, how can I say, strong as if looking at a butterfly one minute and then a dragonfly the next. Was that your intention to say: "I saw you this way and thought it was love, but now I was wrong and see more deeply into that love and found out it wasn't what I thought" type of thing?
> 
> My biggest critique is the poem would still work with the last line taken out. It would sound like an abrupt ending, but given the tone (if my assumption above is correct), it works well.
> 
> Nice job.


 Hi, unveiledartist_ (love your user name!) _and welcome to WF. Thank you for giving such thought to this poem. Yes, you're on spot. My intention was to build up voice, tension. Your describing this is poetry in itself. Simply, splendid! 





> strong as if looking at a butterfly one minute and then a dragonfly the next.


 



> "I saw you this way and thought it was love, but now I was wrong and see more deeply into that love and found out it wasn't what I thought" type of thing?


 I like your interpretation. Makes me pleased that one can dig in and gather their own meaning. Hold on it. It belongs to you.  I had written a poem which is exactly what you got from this one.

Here, I am moreso addressing that the two are incapable of love. His eyes are stoic like the "idea" of scientist. He's buit a wall around him. She can only analyize love/or study it. Hence, the "microscope". There's no cure for either of them. They're stuck with whatever has caused them to be so fearful of love.

Ha! I had a love affair with that last line and was ready to break it off - but now that you pointed to it, I'll edit it out. "There's no cure for us" is enough. Both lines seem to be competing with each other.

Thanks, again for such a wonderful review. Laurie


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## Bard_Daniel (Apr 24, 2019)

SilverMoon said:


> I see science in your eyes *(Great, great opening line!)*
> a formal climate
> of catastrophes
> stilled and silenced
> ...



I quite liked this, and aside from a few minor things, think you've really nailed this one. The tone is original and imbued with your great vocabulary and imagery. Nicely done!


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## unveiledartist (Apr 25, 2019)

SilverMoon said:


> Hi, unveiledartist_ (love your user name!) _and welcome to WF. Thank you for giving such thought to this poem. Yes, you're on spot. My intention was to build up voice, tension. Your describing this is poetry in itself. Simply, splendid!
> 
> 
> I like your interpretation. Makes me pleased that one can dig in and gather their own meaning. Hold on it. It belongs to you.  I had written a poem which is exactly what you got from this one.
> ...


You're welcome. Thank you for the username comment. I created it couple years ago and it just stuck. I had artisticpoetress for awhile but found it redundant. 

Sent from my Moto E (4) using Tapatalk


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## SilverMoon (Apr 25, 2019)

Thanks, Bard. Very pleased you liked this. This first line rolled on along. Then thought, what a good way to put a cliche' in its place - "I see silence in your eyes." 





> I see science in your eyes *(Great, great opening line!)*





> by sound of
> thought - *(Not quite sure what you mean by "sound of thought.")*


 It could mean anything to you as the reader. That's what I like about interpretive verse and readers like yourself. You wonder....

It's pretty much metaphorical like S&G's "The Sounds of Silence". Here, I took a 180. "Sound of Thought". While they do rattle around in my brain like a freight train, _I must confes_s, -  his thoughts turn to the cerebral in order to quell cachophony of emotions from his past - 
His,  
_climate__
of catastrophes
_


> a pasteur rises- *(Pasteurization?)*


 Yes, as in Louis Pasteure.

Again, thanks! Laurie


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## SilverMoon (Apr 25, 2019)

> Originally Posted by *unveiledartist *
> 
> You're welcome. Thank you for the username comment. I created it couple years ago and it just stuck. I had artisticpoetress for awhile but found it redundant.


 Glad you stayed with it. There is a kind of wonderful mystery to it!


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## tessana.m (Jun 14, 2019)

I think this poem is lovely. Keep writing this weird experimental stuff, it suits you!


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## dannyboy (Jun 18, 2019)

I loved it - for me it read as two lovers who are bad for each other regardless at all their attempted cures.

I would change til back to till - till is a legitimate word and for me it harks back to shrill but also to till (the land) and till (cash register). I like all those connotations. Til is just til in my head.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 19, 2019)

tessana.m said:


> I think this poem is lovely. Keep writing this weird experimental stuff, it suits you!


 Thanks, tessana.m. Weird has always fit me like a glove! (I never take them off...) _And__ welcome to WF. You'll never become bored! _:sleeping:



dannyboy said:


> I loved it - for me it read as two lovers who are bad for each other regardless at all their attempted cures.
> 
> I would change til back to till - till is a legitimate word and for me it harks back to shrill but also to till (the land) and till (cash register). I like all those connotations. Til is just til in my head.


 LOL! I'll cash in til for till _until _the cows come home. :wink:


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