# The Hunted     646 words mild language



## Plasticweld (Mar 8, 2018)

Deleted by  author, permission denied for use


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 18, 2018)

The Hunted by Bob Brown

I watched him as he fiddles nervously with the rifle at his side.
Change of tense.
 He is unsure in which direction to point it, or even in which direction the danger lies. He only knows he might need it, yet it seems to bring him little comfort. 

Try chopping out words, this is a tense situation and terse writing might suit it,
He is unsure in which direction to point it, which direction the danger lies. He knows he might need it, yet it brings him little comfort.
Words like ‘seems to’ which qualify something also invariably weaken the sentence.
Words like ‘seems to’ which qualify something also invariably seem to weaken the sentence.
See what I mean? There may be a shade of accuracy in it, but it is usually better to be definite.

I observe him with my night vision, if I were closer I am sure I could smell his fear. He is out of place, out of his element. He has messed up everything in life, he has ever touched. 
‘everything in life, he has ever touched.’ Why the comma? I hear no pause.

I am going to go through stripping it back to basics, look at it and decide what makes it look ‘cleaner’, and what you needed to keep from what I took away.

This realization not only comes from primitive instinct, but from nightly ritual. 

He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed. We are at standstill, I can’t shoot him until he fires. He doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.

Confrontation is basic. Man has fought man since the beginning of time. In a simpler time there were simple solutions. Today, with law, this will drag on.

My adversary, if you can call him that, used to be on the other side. Until now, he has been the one in the bushes. He’s been the one intimidating, stalking the, causing the carnage. He has disappointed me with his cowardice. I was hoping for more. All the talk has been just talk. This bad guy was supposed to be tougher, braver; anything but this fearful piece of shit in front of me.

I have knocked out another couple of extra commas as I went. This works;

He can’t do this,/ fear has him paralyzed. /We are at standstill,/ I can’t shoot him until he fires./ He doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.

Concepts separated by commas and periods, which of them you use show the degree of association, add a conjunction and you could associate the last sentence, which seems reasonable.
He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed. We are at standstill, I can’t shoot him until he fires, and he doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.
Other variations are possible
He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed, we are at standstill.  I can’t shoot him until he fires; he doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.
The semicolon shows a greater degree of separation than the comma, less than the period, you have to decide what the degree of association is.


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## Plasticweld (Mar 18, 2018)

Thanks Olly for all of your help.  I wrote this many years ago, I tried to fix it and came up with what I had. I posted this with the idea that maybe I could get some feed back on why it was such a mess.  It is part of a much larger story. I  wanted to use this as kind of an intro to the battle that took place, it was rather intense and I was disappointed with my ability to convey that.  Thanks again for breaking it down and explaining the mechanics and rules to good writing....Bob


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 18, 2018)

Don't get me going on rules   Good writing is appropriate writing, if you write 'The person to whom I am talking...' in dialogue you are following the rules laid down by the ninteenth century grammerians who studied Latin, but I have never heard anyone actually say 'Whom', ever!

It is like anything, it gets easier and easier, but it was the editing that got better before the writing for me, getting the idea down is only the first step. Critting and reading other crit has helped no end, finding someone helpful who knows what they are talking about, like Pete C, and having a look through their past crits. can be useful, but there is nothing  like using an idea for embedding it in your mind.


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## Underd0g (Jun 7, 2018)

I always hate to admit when I miss something.
Is the need for him to shoot first some kind of honor thing?
And, while I'm at it, what is the conflict?

Otherwise, it kept my attention throughout. That's what I care about.


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## Plasticweld (Jun 7, 2018)

Keep in mind this is real, not just a story.  It also involved 8 1/2 million dollar law suit... I will pm you the details...Thanks for reading


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## Dino_Gonzalez (Aug 2, 2018)

I can tell he can’t do this, *fear has him paralyzed*. <----------
We are at a *standstill*, I can’t shoot him until he fires the first shot.
He doesn’t have the *guts to do more than stand ther*e, let alone start a gun battle. <--------

feels repetitive slightly


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