# the disappearing girl



## SilverMoon

_
Final Edit_

all you bonbon boys and gentle men
I’d wintered you then with my back,
spine already traced by the finger of
a brute, drawn down -
 soft
then
to
the
pinch

I might have known
your gingerly words,
your honest kisses

I’d been like the 
whispering, giggling girls

I’d been like the
 touched, flushed women

yet,
tell me an “I love you lie”
and I’ll stay

give me a tricky kiss
and I’ll stay

standing still
standing it, still

 never mind my eyes 
the colours of seasons 

white of eyes
buried -
like all the wintered boys

brute, what have you done?
when something like love comes,
 daughter goes numb then disappears 

_

,,,.,,__Original_


> all you bonbon boys and gentle men
> I’d wintered you then with my back,
> spine already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down -
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch
> 
> If not for this
> I might have known
> your gingerly words,
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still
> 
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around
> 
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears


----------



## Rick Keeble

I'm being picky here, but, the only thing that bugs me is the "lazy, I cannot grow, like spring". When spring epitomizes growth! Apart from that I really enjoyed your write!


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## Sebald

Oh Silver. This is telling a heartbreaking story. It's an amazing piece of work.


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## SilverMoon

> Originally Posted by* Rick Keeble      *
> 
> I'm being picky here, but, the only thing that bugs me is the "lazy, I cannot grow, like spring". When spring epitomizes growth! Apart from that I really enjoyed your write!



Thank you, Rick. Am glad you enjoyed and welcome to Poetry. "lazy" is not my favored word (still working on it) yet it does work in this simile format. e.g.




> dry, I cannot cry
> like summer.
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow, (as in_ "Those Lazy, Hazy Days of Spring!")_
> like spring







> Originally Posted by *Sebald  *
> 
> Oh Silver. This is telling a heartbreaking story. It's an amazing piece of work


Thank you very much, Sebald.  Quite sometime since I've written a Confessional piece.


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## midnightpoet

Liked it

how about "dry like summer, I cannot cry; lazy like spring yet I cannot grow."  Just a thought, although I understand what you're saying that unlike spring you cannot grow - you original is clear to me and makes sense; actually the Nat King Cole song is "Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer"(but you probably knew that).:grin:


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## Nellie

Laurie,

This agonizing confessional gives us an insight to a very heartbreaking life with a brutal father. The last verse says it all. Thanks for sharing this sensitive subject.


----------



## ned

hello - enjoyed your poem - honest and heartfelt

I think Rick's confusion over the seasonal section stems from the analogy of summer followed
by contrasts to the others - a comma is correct on the first, but not on the latter- 
hazy, I cannot grow like spring - makes it clear.

I'm thinking that brute is a tad too strong - on what I've read....

cheers......Ned


----------



## SilverMoon

ned said:


> hello - enjoyed your poem - honest and heartfelt
> 
> I think Rick's confusion over the seasonal section stems from the analogy of summer followed
> by contrasts to the others - a comma is correct on the first, but not on the latter-
> hazy, I cannot grow like spring - makes it clear.
> 
> I'm thinking that brute is a tad too strong - on what I've read....
> 
> cheers......Ned



"brute" is actually a much kinder word considering...



midnightpoet said:


> Liked it
> 
> how about "dry like summer, I cannot cry; lazy like spring yet I cannot grow."  Just a thought, although I understand what you're saying that unlike spring you cannot grow - you original is clear to me and makes sense; actually the Nat King Cole song is "Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer"(but you probably knew that).:grin:



Tony, both you and Ned agree that I should re-structure similes. I dug in my heals at first but they're out now. A re-write ahead of me.And how could I have missed "crazy" in Nat's song? I'll be bringing this to my doc :topsy_turvy:


----------



## SilverMoon

Nellie said:


> Laurie,
> 
> This agonizing confessional gives us an insight to a very heartbreaking life with a brutal father. The last verse says it all. Thanks for sharing this sensitive subject.



Cindy, you did not fit into my Multi-Quote! And that must be because you are most singular, my dear friend. This Confessional is remarkably un-nuanced for me. Nuanced, always, because it is a sensitive subject. But this is what it is, what needed to be for some reason. As to the last verse, you know it's literal, poof,and why I continue write the wrong.


----------



## SilverMoon

*EDIT *^ thx


> all you bonbon boys and gentle men
> I’d wintered you then with my back,
> spine already traced by the finger of
> begetter, drawn down -
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch
> 
> If not for this
> I might have known
> your gingerly words,
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around
> 
> dry, like summer, I cannot cry;
> hazy, like spring, I cannot grow;
> pressed, like fall, I cannot fly.
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys
> 
> begetter, what have you done?
> I go numb
> when something like love comes
> then disappear



*ORIGINAL
*


> all you bonbon boys and gentle men
> I’d wintered you then with my back,
> spine already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down -
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch
> 
> If not for this
> I might have known
> your gingerly words,
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still
> 
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around
> 
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears


----------



## sas

I've read both. Good workshop comments. On rewrite, I think you still need a comma after lazy:

lazy, like spring I cannot grow.

The reason this line is difficult is because it should say "unlike spring", but you are trying to keep consistency with other lines. It presents a problem. To keep "like" I think it would need reversing:
lazy, I cannot grow like spring.   Hmmm.

I like your switch from brute to "begetter", but leaving daughter off leaves off personal aspect.
Consider changing "I" to "this daughter". Maybe extend the line like this to keep the very important personal:

begetter what have you done
to this daughter?
(of course next lines would need adjusting)

Hope helpful. Sas


----------



## Nellie

sas said:


> I like your switch from brute to "begetter", but leaving daughter off leaves off personal aspect.
> Consider changing "I" to "this daughter". Maybe extend the line like this to keep the very important personal:
> 
> begetter what have you done
> to this daughter?
> (of course next lines would need adjusting)



I like the original version, using "brute". It says it all, whereas "begetter" is only a word for a male parent. Don't change the last verse, keep the original. Or, maybe keep "begetter" in the first verse and use "brute" in the last. As I said before, the last verse is THE verse for me. 
I like the rest of the re-write.


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## Firemajic

It takes a very special finesse to write about the taboo... It takes skill to know how to say something, without saying it at all, and it takes indomitable courage to expose and drag into the light that which flourishes in the dark..

Your unique imagery is showcased in this poem as always...

I agree with ned, "brute" is too telling, "begetter" is not enough [ jmo]... search for the perfect word, you will know it when you find it, your reader will believe it when they read it...


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## sas

Well, just don't use "sperm donor".  

You'd think this atheist would be the one not liking reference to begets. ha. I am brain dead, and can't think of replacement.


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## Firemajic

sas said:


> Well, just don't use "sperm donor".  .




OOo..... NOW we are getting somewhere.... hahahaaa.... sas, I can't stop laughing...


----------



## Nellie

Firemajic said:


> I agree with ned, "brute" is too telling, "begetter" is not enough [ jmo]... search for the perfect word, you will know it when you find it, your reader will believe it when they read it...



How is "brute" too telling? Isn't this poem all telling? 

Now when I hear "brute" it reminds me of the men's cologne *BRUT*.  What does that tell you?


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## SilverMoon

My friends and brilliant reviewers (man, y'all good!) I have managed to Multi-Quote you all with my replies.

However, I have absolutely no idea why I am in this box. So, I am going to forget it and go eat a cookie. :cookie:


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## Firemajic

Nellie said:


> How is "brute" too telling? Isn't this poem all telling?
> 
> Now when I hear "brute" it reminds me of the men's cologne *BRUT*.  What does that tell you?




That is a fabulous question, Nellie... SilverMoon stepped so carefully through all the stanzas [ until the last one] and it was what she DID NOT SAY that was so powerful... Then, the last stanza, she took off the gloves and delivered a powerful blow....


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## Firemajic

"Lazy, I cannot grow"... does not work for me... lazy implies a choice one makes... you did not choose anything... "Stunted, I cannot grow" ... "damaged, I cannot grow"... Ruined, poisoned... ect.... maybe? give it some thought and see if you can express the damage that resulted in you inabilities to react as one who was not damaged would react....


----------



## SilverMoon

sas said:


> I've read both. Good workshop comments. On rewrite, I think you still need a comma after lazy:
> 
> lazy, like spring I cannot grow.
> 
> The reason this line is difficult is because it should say "unlike spring", but you are trying to keep consistency with other lines. It presents a problem. To keep "like" I think it would need reversing:
> lazy, I cannot grow like spring.   Hmmm.
> 
> I like your switch from brute to "begetter", but leaving daughter off leaves off personal aspect.
> Consider changing "I" to "this daughter". Maybe extend the line like this to keep the very important personal:
> 
> begetter what have you done
> to this daughter?
> (of course next lines would need adjusting)
> 
> Hope helpful. Sas



I thought I had changed "Lazy" which, yes, is a choice - to "Hazy" which is not and can personally attest to this!

I do agree that using "daughter" adds to the personal condition but given that I've now employed "begetter" i.e. "father" it would run too obvious, redundant (for lack of a better word, now) and flat. This is how it would read (considering if the reader new def. of begetter or took the time to look it up). See? Agreed?



> begetter(*father*), *what have you done?
> ** (daughter) goes numb *
> when something like love comes
> then disappear(s)



Comma after "Hazy" done! Thanks, sas. As ever, keen.



Nellie said:


> I like the original version, using "brute". It says it all, whereas "begetter" is only a word for a male parent. Don't change the last verse, keep the original. Or, maybe keep "begetter" in the first verse and use "brute" in the last. As I said before, the last verse is THE verse for me.
> I like the rest of the re-write.



Cindy, so glad you especially like the last verse. That's where I always attempt to give the "pow, punch and/or wakeup call"

That's an idea. Not a bad one at all -keeping "begetter" in first stanza and "brute" in the last but I do like the repetition of "begetter". As well, I want to keep to syllable count.

Thanks for your well though out suggestions. You're always "here" for me.



Firemajic said:


> It takes a very special finesse to write about the taboo... It takes skill to know how to say something, without saying it at all, and it takes indomitable courage to expose and drag into the light that which flourishes in the dark..
> 
> Your unique imagery is showcased in this poem as always...
> 
> I agree with ned, "brute" is too telling, "begetter" is not enough [ jmo]... search for the perfect word, you will know it when you find it, your reader will believe it when they read it...



Juls, "It takes one to compliment one" _which can be read two ways or make no sense at all. But, you get the idea! _You are one of another Confessional writer here who inspires and gives me the *Strength *to SCREAM without causing members to go deaf. No one really hears a poem without employing craft - the variety of language delicately placed to showcase the indelicate. The horror of it all. Thank you, for this.

It was one tough challenge to find another word for "Brute". I found the "begetter" - was not entirely satisfied but then it hit me and hard because the word has a terrifying subliminal impact only audible to the subconscious, transmitted swiftly. 

Here: begetter = get her. 

The reader will know without knowing. It will be felt. I'm somewhat versed in undercurrents of the mind which is endlessly fascinating. 



sas said:


> Well, just don't use "sperm donor".
> 
> You'd think this atheist would be the one not liking reference to begets. ha. I am brain dead, and can't think of replacement.



sas, you're back because you simply rock! Your priceless wit is always so welcomed, especially in a thread like this.


----------



## sas

Well I liked "begetter".  Made one think, and not too hard, just enough.


----------



## Squalid Glass

So a fabulous example of precision. 



SilverMoon said:


> all you bonbon boys and gentle men * Alliteration and rhyme are used wonderfully in this poem--powerful weapons--and here 'bonbon' stands out.  Nice play too on gentle----men. Solid opening.*
> I’d wintered you then with my back, * I've read this quite a bit and am still confused on 'wintered.' There are many connotations to it. Many sexual, many related to experience. I'm curious what your thoughts were with this choice.*
> spine already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down - *I do think 'brute' is a strong descriptor here and it hides the emotional punch to be delivered in the final stanza. But a stronger word? I'm in a bit of a mystical mood, so the word 'titan' came to mind. Maybe too grand for this personal piece.*
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch *Fabulous form meeting content with the enjambment. *
> 
> If not for this* I would ax this line. Why tell when so much of the poem is tight and sacrifices proper tense and altering phrases? *
> I might have known
> your gingerly words, *'gingerly' is unique*
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls *like 'bonbon,' 'giggling' is crisp*
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay * solid example of characterization and turning in a poem without any feeling of effort--very natural, starting with 'lie' on the previous line.*
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still *Beautiful comma *
> 
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around *Crazy crit here, but I think the poem stronger without the next few couplets comparing to the seasons. Though confessional, the rest of the poem is imagism. I mean, there's a lot of simile structure, but it's straight image after image, no descriptors, creating feeling out of the visual example. I feel like the next section of the poem betrays that a bit, and 'the colours of seasons' is so great, it gets hidden by the patterned couplets. So I suggest either cutting them or reframing them similar to the first half of the poem.*
> 
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys *coming back to 'wintered,' I see it as a comment on experience, but again I am still lost about it.*
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears *I love this last stanza. The rhyming and alliteration is startling. Fantastic, friend. *


----------



## SilverMoon

Glass, my dear friend, of seven years. So, honored you took out time from what's left of your vacation before returning to collage as Professor of English Lit. Yes! To all who are reading, between being University and WF schooled my friend has reached his goal, with more to follow as a writer.

I will say, if not for you and your brilliantly probing critiques I'd not have become a better writer than when we first met up here, we never being one of the "beige persons"....

OK. This is how I'm going to format. Glass's original in Quote Box, here. Followed by my Quote Box addressing his questions. Then my re-write in new post.



> Originally Posted by *SilverMoon* with *Squalid Glass Critique*
> 
> 
> all you bonbon boys and gentle men * Alliteration and rhyme are used wonderfully in this poem--powerful weapons--and here 'bonbon' stands out.  Nice play too on gentle----men. Solid opening.*
> I’d wintered you then with my back, * I've read this quite a bit and am still confused on 'wintered.' There are many connotations to it. Many sexual, many related to experience. I'm curious what your thoughts were with this choice.*
> spine already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down - *I do think 'brute' is a strong descriptor here and it hides the emotional punch to be delivered in the final stanza. But a stronger word? I'm in a bit of a mystical mood, so the word 'titan' came to mind. Maybe too grand for this personal piece.*
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch *Fabulous form meeting content with the enjambment. *
> 
> If not for this* I would ax this line. Why tell when so much of the poem is tight and sacrifices proper tense and altering phrases? *
> I might have known
> your gingerly words, *'gingerly' is unique*
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls *like 'bonbon,' 'giggling' is crisp*
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay * solid example of characterization and turning in a poem without any feeling of effort--very natural, starting with 'lie' on the previous line.*
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still *Beautiful comma *
> 
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around *Crazy crit here, but I think the poem stronger without the next few couplets comparing to the seasons. Though confessional, the rest of the poem is imagism. I mean, there's a lot of simile structure, but it's straight image after image, no descriptors, creating feeling out of the visual example. I feel like the next section of the poem betrays that a bit, and 'the colours of seasons' is so great, it gets hidden by the patterned couplets. So I suggest either cutting them or reframing them similar to the first half of the poem.*
> 
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys coming back to 'wintered,' I see it as a comment on experience, but again I am still lost about it.
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears *I love this last stanza. The rhyming  **and alliteration is startling. Fantastic, friend*







> Originally Posted by *SilverMoon *in *reply to **Squalid Glass Critique*
> 
> 
> all you bonbon boys and gentle men  Alliteration and rhyme are used wonderfully in this poem--powerful weapons*--*and here 'bonbon' stands out.  Nice play too on gentle----men. Solid opening.
> I’d wintered you then with my back, *inspired by  Mary Freeman's excerpt from her novel "The Shoulders of Atlas"
> "I've summered and wintered you, you've summered and wintered me"* _ Just beautiful _* Mine - I've turned you cold like winter. I've wintered you. Perhaps I've even killed your spirit with my back turned to you - winter (snow represents death, the burial of ground) I never knew wintered had sexual connotation? Humm. I did a search and could find no reference.
> *
> already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down -* I did think it too strong, thinking of  my piece "Thank You to the Architect who Turned my Mind into Rooms"
> The poem utterly horrific without using a demonizing word to describe the father. Here, the content is much milder and therefore thought brute would be overpowering. Then who was the brute? Only known when I slipped in daughter in last stanza. We, here, have been hard at work re: this. I think your suggestion would work out after all. It was my thinking about the construction of my former poem which had much to do with my failing to find technical closure to this poem.*
> then
> to
> the
> pinch Fabulous form meeting content with the enjambment.
> 
> If not for this *Yes. It deserves a big axe *
> I might have known
> your gingerly words, 'gingerly' is unique
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls* like *'bonbon,' 'giggling' is crisp
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay  solid example of characterization and turning in a poem without any feeling of effort--very natural, starting with 'lie' on the previous line.
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still Beautiful comma
> 
> 
> never mind my eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around * Yes. I agree. Colored terse effect is overpowered by the couplets below so they will be done with.
> *
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys  * Given the former explanation, I do hope this becomes a bit clearer?*
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears *I love this last stanza. The rhyming  **and alliteration is startling. Fantastic, friend*



And, thank you! For all that I greyed above that you did find fantastic. I have missed your reviews terribly but for now am sated. 

Yours, ever more than the beige persons.


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## SilverMoon

_Second Re-write_

all you bonbon boys and gentle men
I’d wintered you then with my back,
spine already traced by the finger of
a brute, drawn down -
 soft
then
to
the
pinch

I might have known
your gingerly words,
your honest kisses

I’d been like the 
whispering, giggling girls

I’d been like the
 touched, flushed women

yet,
tell me an “I love you lie”
and I’ll stay

give me a tricky kiss
and I’ll stay

standing still
standing it, still

 never mind my eyes 
the colours of seasons 

white of eyes
buried -
like all the wintered boys

brute, what have you done?
when something like love comes,
 daughter goes numb then disappears


----------



## Squalid Glass

I like the edit a lot. And yeah, my original thought on "wintered" was kind of bringing a sort of death. Destruction of innocence, Blakean imagery and all that. Very nice.


----------



## Rick Keeble

I'm so glad I swung by again! This is a prime example what good critiquing (Glass and others) can result in. Personally, I kind of miss the seasonal stanzas, but then again, I always use more paint than the canvas can hold. It is poems like this that make the reader dream of writing themselves. Very well crafted.


----------



## sas

Welcome back, Glass. Hope you can stay.  If you disappear, with your red pen, I might need to come find you. My son lives in The Springs. Love it there. Great critique! 

Silver, fabulous rewrite. Stunning. Just one thing: I'd think the quotation mark should be placed differently:

tell me an "I love you" lie

I do not believe lie should be within it.


----------



## jackjohn

SilverMoon said:


> all you bonbon boys and gentle men
> I’d wintered you then with my back,
> spine already traced by the finger of
> a brute, drawn down -
> soft
> then
> to
> the
> pinch
> 
> If not for this
> I might have known
> your gingerly words,
> your honest kisses
> 
> I’d been like the
> whispering, giggling girls
> 
> I’d been like the
> touched, flushed women
> 
> yet,
> tell me an “I love you lie”
> and I’ll stay
> 
> give me a tricky kiss
> and I’ll stay
> 
> standing still
> standing it, still
> 
> 
> never mindmy eyes
> the colours of seasons
> ochre, green, brown, white around
> 
> dry, I cannot cry,
> like summer
> 
> lazy, I cannot grow,
> like spring
> 
> pressed, I cannot fly,
> like fall
> 
> white of eyes
> buried -
> like all the wintered boys
> 
> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears



Great lines. keep it Up


----------



## Sebald

sas said:


> Welcome back, Glass. Hope you can stay.  If you disappear, with your red pen, I might need to come find you. My son lives in The Springs. Love it there. Great critique!
> 
> Silver, fabulous rewrite. Stunning. Just one thing: I'd think the quotation mark should be placed differently:
> 
> tell me an "I love you" lie
> 
> I do not believe lie should be within it.


I'd wondered that, too. 

I think it's acceptable as it is, as the whole phrase has become a figure of speech?


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## Sebald

I can't get over this poem, Silver.


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## Squalid Glass

sas said:


> Welcome back, Glass. Hope you can stay.  If you disappear, with your red pen, I might need to come find you. My son lives in The Springs. Love it there. Great critique!
> 
> Silver, fabulous rewrite. Stunning. Just one thing: I'd think the quotation mark should be placed differently:
> 
> tell me an "I love you" lie
> 
> I do not believe lie should be within it.



Thanks sas! Springs is a great place to be!

As for the quotation, I believe either way would be acceptable--it just depends on how SM wants it to be read.


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## Nellie

Squalid Glass said:


> Springs is a great place to be!
> 
> As for the quotation, I believe either way would be acceptable--it just depends on how SM wants it to be read.




Yes, COLORADO is a GREAT place to be! I love the Rocky Mountains. So beautiful! I would not want to live anywhere else, except Switzerland. 
My daughter will be moving to the "Springs" at the end of this month.  Great to see you back here, too, Squalid Glass!!



			
				SqualidGlass said:
			
		

> my original thought on "wintered" was kind of bringing a sort of death. Destruction of innocence,


Isn't this the idea of the whole poem.... destruction of innocence?


Silvermoon, this re-write flows smoother than your original, but I love this fact that you came back with the original last verse and kept "brute" in there.



			
				Silvermoon said:
			
		

> brute, what have you done?
> when something like love comes,
> daughter goes numb then disappears


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## SilverMoon

Well, we have all certainly been in the classroom! Then in walks the Professor to guide_ ,thank you so much Glass, _and poem has been honed to its completion.

Thank you all for your keen critiques - all of us working together with absolutely no friction. I think how this thread ran is a good example of how writers can bond both respectfully and intellectually. Have we not learned allot?!

Now, speaking of Colorado! I am ready to move there. Just now I heard on the news that this season on Long Island has been dubbed "The Summer from Hell". Having asthma I am now pretty much captive at home. Now, I am not going to want to write a poem about this!!!

To all, my best and thanks. :love_heart:


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## Chris Green

This poem has a certain old world feel to it, not like Byron old but stained brick faced buildings old, smoggy smokestack old, wrought iron railing old and that is what feels so cool about this piece. I felt as though I were sitting in a dark theater with brocade curtains drawn on each side and this was being read to me. The more I think about it, it also has a Pink Floyd feel to it. Really unique and very cool.


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## Sebald

Interesting way of hearing this; with a Pink Floyd vibe. I'm still too fond of this poem to talk rationally about it.

Welcome to the forum, Chris.


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