# I wish I knew how to fly your kite



## Firemajic (Nov 3, 2019)

I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
felt tension in your bones as if you
were being restrained when I held you
felt you struggle like a kite on a short string
as I tried to cling to someone who
already had leaving on his mind

I will never be your future
because I am already your past
I will not be the last in a long line
of forgettable memories
drifting like traveling tumbleweeds
along the highway of your leaving

I would have left with you
would have uprooted my roots
and never looked back
if you had only asked
but you did not want baggage
it is easier to leave when you are weightless
and you are running from your past

Maybe you would have stayed
if I had asked
but you needed to be untethered 
your dreams strained against love's restraint
unable to sail the wind

Sadly I let go of your string


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## midnightpoet (Nov 3, 2019)

Fire, I see parallels here with Kristofferson's "Me and Bobbie McGee," except he's running from his past instead of searching for it.  Which brings to mind a thought, as possibly you're giving away too much by answering your own questions.  Do we need to know you would have gone with him? Also, is the last line necessary?  Would it make a stronger poem without it? Just some thoughts, hope helpful.

Tony


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## Firemajic (Nov 3, 2019)

Dear Midnight, it is good to hear from you 

I posted this poem because it is the first poem I have written in a looooong time, so I need honest critiques... I do understand what you said, and most of it I agree with... but damn, the drama queen in me loves that last line..lol... you have given me a lot to ponder, my friend... thank you...


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## TL Murphy (Nov 4, 2019)

It's good. Great flow. One line leads to the next almost effortlessly which shows a loose and confident style.

There are a few places where I feel the passive verb is holding the poem back, like friction dragging the underbelly. Change these to active verbs. I'll make suggestions below. Could also cut a few redundant words for that strong forward momentum.

I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
felt tension in your bones as if you
were being restrained when I held you
my hold restrained you,
felt you struggle like (comma) a kite on a short string
as I tried to cling to someone who
already had leaving on his mind


I will never be your future
because I am already your past
I will not be and not the last in a long line
of forgettable memories
to drifting like traveling tumbleweeds
along the highway of your leaving

I would have left with you
would have uprooted my roots
and never looked back
if you had only asked
but you did not want baggage
it is easier to leave when you are weightless
to and you are run ning from your past

I think the poem ends here


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## Firemajic (Nov 5, 2019)

TL Murphy said:


> It's good. Great flow. One line leads to the next almost effortlessly which shows a loose and confident style.
> 
> There are a few places where I feel the passive verb is holding the poem back, like friction dragging the underbelly. Change these to active verbs. I'll make suggestions below. Could also cut a few redundant words for that strong forward momentum.
> 
> ...





I think you and Midnight are right... I can see why the rest is not needed...less IS more...and I love how the changes you suggested gives this poem a sharper vibe...
I will be back with a rewrite...
Thank you for your insight, I appreciate...


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## Darren White (Nov 6, 2019)

You had some pretty good critique there, so I won't add to it. I only want to say that I like your poem, and I think the title is pretty awesome.


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## Bloggsworth (Nov 6, 2019)

When I read the title of this thread, I thought it was one for posting south-east asian aphorisms, like that from South Korea "_When will I eat your noodles_."


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## Firemajic (Nov 6, 2019)

Darren White said:


> You had some pretty good critique there, so I won't add to it. I only want to say that I like your poem, and I think the title is pretty awesome.




Thank you Darren  ... I struggled with the title, I had about 20 variations of kite flying titles and did not like any of them... finally I settled on "I wish I knew how to fly a kite".... but still was not happy, then as I was typing in the title for my post I changed " A " to "Your"....  sometimes the title is the most difficult part of writing a poem for me.... thanks for commenting and reading...


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## Firemajic (Nov 6, 2019)

Bloggsworth said:


> When I read the title of this thread, I thought it was one for posting south-east asian aphorisms, like that from South Korea "_When will I eat your noodles_."





LMAO!  omg...... You have just inspired a new poem and the title is???? When will I eat your noodles!!!


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## Thomas Norman (Nov 6, 2019)

I love this Fire and the title too. I think Tim's ideas are good and just tighten it to perfection.

Great writing, I look forward to the 'noodle' poem!


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## Firemajic (Nov 6, 2019)

Thomas Norman said:


> I love this Fire and the title too. I think Tim's ideas are good and just tighten it to perfection.
> 
> Great writing, I look forward to the 'noodle' poem!




Thank you for your comments


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## Firemajic (Nov 6, 2019)

I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
felt tension in your bones as if
my hold restrained you
felt you struggle, a kite on a short string
as I tried to cling to someone
who had leaving on his mind

I will never be your future
I am already your past
and not the last in a long line
of forgettable memories 
to drift like traveling tumbleweed
along the highway of your leaving

I would have left with you
would have uprooted my roots
and never looked back, if you had asked

But you did not want baggage
it is better to leave you weightless
to run from your past

Revised based on the excellent critique I received...

Much Thanks to Midnightpoet and TL Murphy.... I am so grateful for your help...


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## Mish (Nov 6, 2019)

I like the re-write Firemajic, it is much tighter than the original. But to be honest I like the extra reveals in the original as well, so sad to see them go. 

I find that poetry tends to have this therapeutic effect, putting all of our thoughts and feelings together succinctly gives them a kind of closure.

Well done!


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## River Rose (Nov 6, 2019)

I like this. We have all been there. Wanting the one who doesn’t want us back.


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2019)

Mish said:


> I like the re-write Firemajic, it is much tighter than the original. But to be honest I like the extra reveals in the original as well, so sad to see them go.
> 
> I find that poetry tends to have this therapeutic effect, putting all of our thoughts and feelings together succinctly gives them a kind of closure.
> 
> Well done!



It was difficult at first to cut so much from this poem, but after studying TL's critique and especially his edit of this line: "It is easier to leave when you are weightless and you are running from your past" and he suggested "It is easier to leave you weightless to run from your past"... his edit changed the meaning in a very subtle way that was so in tune with what I was trying to express, it was then that I understood why he suggested that I end the poem there...

Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2019)

River Rose said:


> I like this. We have all been there. Wanting the one who doesn’t want us back.



Thank you River Rose, and welcome to the fabulous poetry board


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## Gumby (Nov 7, 2019)

Darren White said:


> You had some pretty good critique there, so I won't add to it. I only want to say that I like your poem, and I think the title is pretty awesome.



Ditto.


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2019)

Gumby said:


> Ditto.




Thank you   :tickled_pink:


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## apple (Nov 7, 2019)

Fire, your poem has a ragged, painful, core to it, yet expressed with such understanding, To be so sensitive of someone you realize you can never have, and be able to release him gently to himself was so well done in your poem. I seems I can remember somewhere  that feeling of resign. So good.


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2019)

apple said:


> Fire, your poem has a ragged, painful, core to it, yet expressed with such understanding, To be so sensitive of someone you realize you can never have, and be able to release him gently to himself was so well done in your poem. I seems I can remember somewhere  that feeling of resign. So good.




apple, thank you for reading and commenting, it is always a pleasure to read your work 

I appreciate that you used the word "sensitive"... because this poem was inspired by the death of my husband....at the end, he no longer wanted to live and I had to respect that... so this poem is about letting go, whatever the circumstances ... love can be such a heavy burden...


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## Pelwrath (Nov 7, 2019)

Fire, this is a beautiful poem but since I don't write poetry like others I don't read it like others.  Which kind of makes me a little weird.  My suggestions below.



I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes ​not sure if this is a double entendre with 'highways' vs. high ways?
felt tension in your bones as if you
were being restrained {when I held you} This line seems more powerful w/o the bracketed words. 
felt you struggle like a kite on a short string Great allusion(was that your intent?)
as I tried to cling to someone who  What if this line was as I tried to fight the wind?  Keep with the kite metaphor.
already had leaving on his mind

I will never be your future
because I am already your past Again two very good lines
I will not be the last in a long line
of forgettable memories
drifting like traveling tumbleweeds
along the highway of your leaving again a double entendre?

I would have left with you
would have uprooted my roots change root to soul or spirit
and never looked back
if you had only asked
but you did not want baggage
it is easier to leave when you are weightless change are weightless to 'have no strings'
and you are running from your past

Maybe you would have stayed
if I had asked
but you needed to be untethered
your dreams strained against love's restraint
unable to sail the wind

Sadly I let go of your string    would adding 'and gladly' after Sadly work?



Some people are like a force of nature and that's what I felt you were describing. I greatly enjoyed the imagery you created and presented. Thank you so much for sharing.


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## Firemajic (Nov 8, 2019)

Pelwarath, I enjoyed reading you POV, I found it completely intriguing and I thank you for sharing your thoughts...

As I learn about writing poetry, my goals are changing... I used to write poetry to show and share with the reader my POV, my thoughts and my emotions.... it was my mirror... now when I write, I want the reader to see my shadow , but I want them to look in my mirror and  see their reflection .... I hope that makes sense...


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## Pelwrath (Nov 8, 2019)

Fire, that makes perfect sense!


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## Firemajic (Nov 8, 2019)

Pelwrath said:


> Fire, that makes perfect sense!


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## TL Murphy (Nov 8, 2019)

I like the idea of the poem as mirror.  Whoever reads the poem sees their own reflection. That’s a good metaphor.  It says a lot about poetry in few words.


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## Ma'am (Nov 8, 2019)

Nice poem. 

I'm not much of a poet myself but just one suggestion, maybe change "and never looked back," because it's a cliche.


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## Firemajic (Nov 9, 2019)

Ma'am said:


> Nice poem.
> 
> I'm not much of a poet myself but just one suggestion, maybe change "and never looked back," because it's a cliche.




Damn those persistent clichés... they are a poet's cockroach... so sneaky and hard to get rid of 

I could change "and never looked back" to "and never went back"... or just cut that line altogether...

Thank you for reading and commenting...


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## jenthepen (Nov 10, 2019)

Fire, this poem had a big effect on me because I've recently lost two brothers who died just months apart and I experienced that conflict of emotions that forms the essence of your beautiful poem. I thought Tim and midnight gave some great advice but, because this one felt so close to my heart, I hope you'll forgive me for shoving in my two cents worth of critique. I've taken your original version and mostly followed the advice already given but some of those original lines struck with such power for me that I have tightened up in a different way. My alterations may not chime with your feelings about the poem, of course, but at least you'll see how it affected me.  Thank you for helping me to release some of my grief as I read this wonderfully insightful poem. Anyway, here's the critique:*

I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
felt tension in your bones as if you
were being restrained when I held you
felt you struggle, like a kite on a short string
as I tried to cling to someone who
already had leaving on his mind

I will never be your future
because I am already your past
I will not be the last in a long line
of forgettable memories
drifting like traveling tumbleweed
along the highway of your leaving

I would have left with you
would have uprooted my roots
and never looked back
if you had only asked
but you did not want baggage


Maybe you would have stayed
if I had asked
but you needed to be untethered 
your dreams strained against love's restraint
unable to sail the wind
It is easier to leave when you are weightless
and you are running from your past. 

Sadly I let go of your string  *​


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## Firemajic (Nov 10, 2019)

Dear Jen, to say "I am sorry for your loss" sounds so cliché... but I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and the grief that will be your companion for the rest of your life, such a loss changes one forever, how could it not...

I love the delicate balance you struck, and the way the subtle changes, changes this poem... for me, I love all the different versions and visions of this poem and I love that you kept 2 of my favorite lines... for me, those lines speak poignantly of grief and of loving someone, but loving them enough to release them... thank you for your beautiful comments... *** hugs** to you, my fabulous friend...


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## jenthepen (Nov 11, 2019)

Firemajic said:


> Dear Jen, to say "I am sorry for your loss" sounds so cliché... but I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and the grief that will be your companion for the rest of your life, such a loss changes one forever, how could it not...
> 
> I love the delicate balance you struck, and the way the subtle changes, changes this poem... for me, I love all the different versions and visions of this poem and I love that you kept 2 of my favorite lines... for me, those lines speak poignantly of grief and of loving someon e, but loving them enough to release them... thank you for your beautiful comments... *** hugs** to you, my fabulous friend...



Thank you for the kind and loving words. I knew you would understand my feelings and also 'get' the reason why I wanted to hold on to those lines that expressed the sadness of loss but also the need to give permission for a loved one to leave without guilt. Your poem will stay with me for a long time.


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## Ditchweed242 (Nov 21, 2019)

I found your poem most beautiful how you first wrote it.

Maybe it is just me, but sometimes in my quest to make something perfect
I leave out the gorgeous. 

There is beauty in human emotion and sometimes emotion is raw and rough.
There is meaning in that for me. Gives me a connection because sometimes
I feel rough too.

Just one opinion. Loved the poem. 
Thank you for sharing it.


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## Firemajic (Nov 21, 2019)

Ditchweed242 said:


> I found your poem most beautiful how you first wrote it.
> 
> Maybe it is just me, but sometimes in my quest to make something perfect
> I leave out the gorgeous.
> ...




Hello, Ditchweed, and welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... I found your comments so intriguing and I do agree that one can over work a poem or a painting... I guess the real skill is knowing when to stop 

Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate it ....


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## Ditchweed242 (Nov 21, 2019)

Poetry is wonderful in that there is no actual correct way to do it.
It is what you feel.

Different ways of expressing feelings fascinate me.

Cheers.


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 21, 2019)

Only just found this, I do like it very much, but I have to agree
It is easier to leave when you are weightless
and you are running from your past
Was the only bit that didn't quite fit somehow.

My suggestion was going to be 
It is easier to run from your past
When you are weightless.

I think it is because it takes the personal, almost finger pointing, element out by making it 'easier' for all or any of us, we all do it.

Lovely poem, thanks for sharing that bit.


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## Firemajic (Nov 22, 2019)

Thank you for reading and commenting, Ollie...


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