# April 2017 - LM - Pouch Cream - Scores



## kilroy214 (Apr 29, 2017)

danielstj
kilroy214
Candervalle
ppsage
total
Ptolemy
15
16
19
18
17
Joshybo
16
16
18.5
17
16.8
Pluralized
14
15
18.5
18
16.3
Pip
15
15
17.5
17
16.1
Makili
11
14
16
17
14.5
Godofwine
12
12
15.5
16
13.8
TheFantastical
14
12
15
10
12.7
_Pouch Cream for
 Pouch Ouch _by bdcharles
10
10
13.5
15
12.1
Plawrence
-
-
-
-
DQ*




Alright, time's up! Pork Forks down and pass your Pouch Cream to the front of the class!
We had some really good entries this chaotic month, and now it is time to see who's cream rises to the top! Congratulations everybody!!!

In First place, we have *Ptolemy *with *Hip Lingo*
In Second, *Joshybo *with *Their Will be Done*
and in third, *Pluralized, *with *C.R.E.A.M. (Cream Rules Everything Around Me, Cream, Get the Cream, Poucha-Poucha-Cream, Y'all)*  which may possibly be the longest titled story to ever make it to the winners podium, so an extra round of applause for that minor feat.

Let me know if I've made any problems in my arithmetic, you may now 'like' any of the stories on the challenge board.
And now the scores!

[spoiler2=danielstj's scores]  *LM Scoring—Pouch Cream*​*
 godofwine
“Play Ball"
  Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
  Tone/Voice: 3/5
  Effect: 5/10
  Overall: 12/20*

  This entry, I felt, did not really delve into the aspects of the story that could have made it great. It was an interesting entry, no doubt, but the tone was not exactly consistent and I did not find the particulars that you touched on efficient enough to make the entry strong. Nonetheless, it was still worth the read and kudos to you for trying something new. *The Fantastical
“The Inciting Incident"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 14/20*

 This was an intriguing entry. I wish that it would have been a little more developed but still, as it stands, it was entertaining and the imagery that you touched on was enjoyable and entertaining. I enjoyed this. It was a good entry despite the short length. You lost some points for your spelling and grammar but for what you lost there you gained in effects. Good one! *pwlarence
“The Outing"
 Spelling/Grammar: /5
 Tone/Voice: /5
 Effect: /10
 Overall: /20*

 For the first piece that you’ve posted here, I thought it was a good start. Now, maybe I didn’t fully “get” the piece because I don’t have children but I felt that the intensity of the piece was a little subdued and that it could have been strengthened by more fluent and descriptive writing. However, this is just my opinion. Cheers for entering the competition!

*Anonymous
“Pouch Cream For Pouch Ouch (or Eyes-In-The-Dark)"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/10
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall: 10/10*

 I did not understand what you were trying to get at with this piece. Perhaps this is just me but this piece fell a little flat. I was also not very sure how to score it but I stand by my judging for it. 


*Makili
“The delivery"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 5/10
 Overall: 11/20*

 A tale that, for me, did not quite take off. I felt that you did not focus on the right parts of the yarn that could have really brought out this piece to shine. There was also some odd phrasing and repetition that I felt did not quite belong. Still, thanks for participating!

*Ptolemy
“Hip Lingo"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 15/20*

 This was quite a funny story. I liked the characters that you developed and they seemed very life-like to me. The dialogue that you had here was the strong point of the piece and it served the story well. Overall, this was a good entry. 

*joshybo
“Their Will Be Done"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 16/20*

 I liked the development that you did in this entry. The atmosphere of the piece was very stark and foreboding and had a distinct air about it. There was also good development and dialogue to follow suit with it. Your end line, as well, was a hook and sinker for sure. It was a very original use of the prompt as well and I tip my metaphorical hat to you for it. Nice!

*Pip
“Same Language Different Lingo"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 15/20*

 A solid entry with some amusing little bits that brought a smile to my face. I enjoyed this and felt that you used your humor well and that the language was sophisticated and solid throughout the piece. I was fully entertained. Good work!


*Pluralized
“C.R.E.A.M. (Cream Rules Everything Around Me, Cream, Get the Cream, Poucha-Poucha-Cream, Y'all)"
  Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
  Tone/Voice: 4/5
  Effect: 6/10
  Overall: 14/20*

  This was an interesting piece. I’m not quite sure what to make of it but I liked the writing style that you have put forth here. The ending, for me, threw me off a little bit but, hey, maybe that is just me. It was intriguing and, overall, worthwhile. 

 [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=kilroy214's scores]  Play Ball
 Godofwine

 Spag: 4
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 First of all, this was a little to close to sounding like fan fiction to the movie The Sandlot. I don't know why it was necessary to have so many similarities to the movie, but they were about as subtle as a brick.

 The story itself really had a lot going for it until it got to the prompt tie-in (I guess it was the prompt tie-in, I didn't really get Pouch Cream from the discussion about the catcher's mitt) after this part of the tale, the story just stops and doesn't do anything.
 We're told about this big game against Harding Avenue and I have to wonder why the story isn't about this.

 The opening lines are full of characters performing lists of actions that do not really add or have any pertinence to the story. A lot of awkward sentences that get tangled up as the reader tries to follow along that causes stops and pauses. This story would have done well to have had an out-loud reading performed to iron out any hiccups it might have had.

 The scene is set well, and there are a few characters that get some development, but when they get to the 'you cover it in jizz' line, I felt like there was a tonal shift that that kind of stole from the innocence of the kids. It might have been because I had pictured the kids as the group from the Sandlot (mainly because you make the reader do that) and grimaced.


 The Inciting Incident
 The Fantastical

 Spag: 2
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 For a story less than three hundred words, this was rife with SPaG issues. It made for a grueling read, which affected the Effect score for me.

 Other than that, I kind of liked it. It had a great satire/dark humor to it, and I liked the idea you took with the prompt. I would have liked to have seen more of a story, you definitely had enough words left over to flesh more out.


 The Outing
 Plawrence


 This was a nice whimsical tale that I found pretty cute. Being the father of a daughter, I could relate to much of what was going on. SPaG also looked fairly clean, though there were a few places I had to wonder about decisions made, for instance, using parenthesis in the middle of dialogue. The bit of exposition could have been written as a break in the dialogue, which it is anyway, and would have been just fine.

 I also can't help but feel like something more could have been done with this story. As it is, it's okay, but I kept expecting more was going to happen. We're told so much about this promise taking so long to fulfill that I couldn't help but wonder why. Why did it take daddy so long to take here to see Kangaroos? Did mommy die and leave them in crippling debt? Was daddy in the mob and their in witness protection and the Feds take forever to arrange a Kangaroo excursion? Does Daddy like to bet on the horses and they never have money? Why? WHY?

 And then we see a lot of focus on whether it will be safe to get close the Kangaroos, and it feels like it's foreshadowing something. Will the Kangaroos attack? Will she attack the Kangaroos? What kind of bloodbath lays before us?

 I just felt like there was more that could have been going on in this story. It didn't have to be some crazed violent plot twist, but something more could have spiced it up a bit.


 Pouch Cream For Pouch Ouch
 bdcharles

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 1
 Effect: 5
 Total: 10

 I don't know what the story is supposed to be here. I'm pretty sure there isn't one actually. To be honest, this felt more like it was trying to be poetry instead of prose. There was what felt like some great lines in there, but there were not enough to keep my interest, I found my mind wonder off and forget that I was reading  during my read of this, which is a death-kiss for any story.


 The delivery
 Maliki

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 14

 I like the route you went with this story and your take on the prompt. There were a couple of instances were the wording did not sound right to me (He threw over his shoulder. - stick with 'said' of 'spat', my first thought when I read this was 'what did he throw?' or 'None of the men paid attention' - if it's just the two men, say 'neither paid attention', saying 'None of the men' made me think there were more man than just the driver and warehouse guy)

 I think there was a lot said about them transferring the critters from cage to cage, and we got to their conversation a little too late in the story. If it had come up sooner, while they were doing the critter transfer, it would have left more space available to expand a bit on the parts that you kind of breezed over, like the environment kerfuffle you brought up.


 Hip Lingo
 Ptolomey

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 7
 Total: 16

 This was pretty funny, and I like how you incorporated the prompt. Your use of dialogue was spot on and you seem to know the 'Hip Lingo' pretty well yourself. I think maybe you could have made Mack a little more likable if you had made Ty the only wielder of the 
 vernacular. I think that would have also went a long way in adding some character to both, one being clean cut and rational, the other the crazy maker-up-of-words.

 The story tools right along, but I felt it kind of stalled out at the end. I think it would have been a more satisfying ending for the reader to see the character Mack get some kind of revenge on Ty.


 Their Will Be Done
 Joshybo

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 6
 Total: 16

 I would have loved to have seen where this story could have gone, or where it began, honestly. I thought your use of the prompt was pretty clever, and the setting and characters are wonderfully drawn for us. I only wish we could have seen more, it comes close to feeling like there's almost too much story to be confined to 650 words, but I have to say, you used the 650 given wisely.
 And that closing line...cold blooded, man, cold blooded.


 CREAM (yadda yadda yadda...dolla dolla bill y'all...)
 Pluralized

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 15

 Why do I feel like I'm coming down off of a peyote high after I read this story? I did not really know what the overall story was in this...story, but to be honest, I didn't really mind that, it was enveloping to the point that I only really cared about what was going on in the present. The description and choice of words were great.


 Same Language Different Lingo
 PiP

 SPaG: 4 
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 7
total: 15

 Texas? I feel her pain.
 As a fish-out-of-water tale, this was pretty well done! The humor is there in all the right places and even though I'm an American, I can sympathize with the MC because we've all been a foreigner to someone at some point in time. Spelling and Grammar looked clean, there were a few places that I think punctuation was needed ('Hey, Honey, I'm Candy your neighbor.' - 'Hey honey, I'm Candy, your neighbor.' for instance)
 The hemorrhoids had me laughing.
 I kind of wish we could have seen Charlotte at the baby shower to see how the would have gone :smile:        [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Candervalle's scores]  

*Godofwine
“Play Ball" *
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4//5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15.5

Review:

A piece of Americana including adolescent boys being ruthless towards each other. Ah the good old days. One thing that shot out at me was that this piece felt like it was straight out of the classic movie, The Sandlot. I didn’t notice any glaring SPaG issues. There were a few sentences that tripped me up a bit.

“Mikey leaped to his feet, shook off his mask and threw the mitt to the ground and let out a yelp.”

I got hung up on the uses of “and,” in this sentence. There’s a lot going on in this one line and maybe it could do with a little breaking up. 

“Joey trotted in from the outfield, picked up a helmet, a bat and headed to the right side of the plate”

Here is another sentence that has a lot going on. I feel like certain bits of information aren’t so critical such as him running in from outfield. It just seemed a bit extraneous. 

Something I’ve seen seen talked about quite a bit here is showing and not telling. I know I’ve struggled with this. There were a few places where you could have showed instead of telling. When Joey gets aced by Smalls, you mention the dopey look on his face. Perhaps you could have showed that by describing how he looked dopey. Did his jaw sag open as he stared at where the ball should have been? 

““Nuh-un,” Mikey said, pouting.” 

Here is another one. How was he pouting? Did he mumble into his glove or something like that? 

All in all you provided a coherent story that feels authentic. I can definitely see the boys in that baseball field wasting no opportunity to rib each other. You captured that quite well. One thing that hampered the story was similarities with the previously mentioned movie. The line, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” as well as the name Smalls are iconic and I couldn’t help envisioning the characters and events from that movie, instead of being able to focus solely on your story.




*The Fantastical 
“The Inciting Incident" *
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15

Review:

Alright, first off there are quite a few SPaG issues, although they were not story breaking. Now, you may be dinged on the shortness of your entry, but I felt that I pretty much got the whole story in this little snippet. Maybe you could have expanded on Areman’s plight to increase the stakes. Like perhaps that his wife will leave him if he can’t close a sale, or he’ll be out of his home if he can’t make rent. 

I think the best part of this piece was the fact you were able to get me to empathize with Areman and even buy into the idea of a door to door salesman who sells pouch cream. What a ludicrous image, but you made it work. I pictured you as a mad composer working furiously and sending your work off before you could think twice about it. 

The matter-of-fact bit about someone accidentally being turned into a pouch was beautifully placed. I enjoyed this entry as it was fast, kept my attention, and made me laugh. What hurt it was a lack of polish which caused a few hiccups during the reading. 




*plawrence 
“The Outing" *
Spelling/Grammar: /5
Tone/Voice: /5
Effect: /10
Overall:


Review:

Now this one was a surprise to me. I’ve gotten used to reading short stories that seem to end with some horrible twist of fate or some heart-wrenching realization. I was actually surprised to read that everything went, well, according to plan. The little girl got her wish, and her father was able to share a lasting moment that his daughter would cherish for the rest of her life. I am curious though, the mother of this child was absent from the story.

Some of the painstaking detail made it a bit dull at times for me. Such as the explanation of her training of how to ride in a booster seat. It was good to show that her father cares for her greatly, but I felt it was just a little extraneous. 

I felt that the surprise that was felt by the little girl, was lost on me as the reader. As the surprise was kept secret from me as well as the little girl, I was expecting something a little more impactful. I feel like this story may have been a little more powerful if it was kept to a single point of view. Perhaps from the little girl or her father’s perspective. It was a sweet story, and I appreciate that you dared to write a story with a good, wholesome ending. 




Anonymous 
*“Pouch Cream for Pouch Ouch" *
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 3.5/10
Overall: 13.5

Review:

Stranger,

Your writing is beautiful. It reminds me of an adult form of Dr. Seuss. It was fun to read, but unfortunately it was very cryptic, as poetic verse tends to be. I should say that at least for me it is. I tended to get lost in the verse while trying to figure out what I was reading about. You had an interesting take on format. I just wish I was able to decipher it more effectively. Perhaps your writing was just over my head. 


*
Makill 
“The Delivery" *
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16

Review:

Damn possums! Always loitering in people's backyards. I for one always had a soft spot for them, mostly because I felt bad for them being despised by most. As for SPaG issues, it's pretty much ship shape here. One sentence gave me a bit of trouble though.

"Men gave them the fatigued look filled with resignation."

Perhaps this one could be cleared up a little. Now as for the tone, it seemed consistent and I got a feel for the warehouse worker's personality. One thing that sort of pulled me away was the sheer amount of dialogue. It looks as if the entire second half of the story is dialogue alone. 

I did like your take on the pouch cream. It fits the prompt well and I could actually see this kind of madness taking place. You were able get make me feel sorrow for those broken down old possums, so good job on that.



*Ptolemy
“Hip Lingo" *
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19

Review:

Oh Tyler. We all have a Tyler in our lives, and if you don't, you're probably the Tyler. You know, that douchey guy who is so full of it, he gets checkups from a plumber instead of a doctor. 

(Side note: if your name is Tyler and you're offended, don't be such a Tyler). 

First off, no real SPaG issues that I noticed. As for tone, both your characters are unique and they maintain their personalities through the entirety of the story. I can feel the annoyance and disgust of the narrator as he/she attempts to pry an answer out. 

There were times here was a lot of dialogue without much description on what it going on and how they are reacting to one another. Too much conversation always makes me feel like I’m reading a film script. That being said, your conversation is engaging and paired well with how they are behaving in the scene. I was laughing throughout the story and each line made me want to read the next. Well done on engaging me as a reader.




*Joshybo
“Their Will Be Done”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8.5/10
Overall: 18.5

Review:

No SPaG issues that I could sniff out here. There was only one sentence I stumbled over.

“He motioned to his men, a pair of which came forward, each holding onto an arm of another, his wrists and feet shackled in heavy iron chains.”

I had to read it a few times just to clarify who was holding who’s arms, but that was it.

Sarotali reminds me of that villain you love to hate. He’s obviously an imposing figure, and he’s well aware of it. Despite the tension in the room, he seems rather distractible as he begins picking at the seam of his sleeve. Small details like this seem so simple, yet they help flesh out characters with minimal distraction from the overall story. I wouldn’t have minded a little more on the relationship between Sarotali and Johnathan’s ilk, but alas, the 650 word limit is so cruel. 

I do like how you chose to interpret the prompt. Utilizing the cream as a descriptor for the pouch was clever. And the last line, classic bad guy shutdown. It was great. All in all it was an engaging story with believable characters, and it made me want to know more. Well done.

*
Pluralized
“C.R.E.A.M. (Cream Rules Everything Around Me, Cream, Get the Cream, Poucha-Poucha-Cream, Y’all)”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8.5/10
Overall: 18.5

Review:

Like a crack fiend out for his next fix, Alan won’t let anything get in the way for his next hit of that sweet sweet cream. As soon as I read “Barstow,” it all made sense. I live and work in San Bernardino County and I pass through Barstow regularly. It is exactly the kind of town this type of deal would go down in. No real SPaG issues that I could tell, but I found some sentences a little jarring. 

“He found the marker, started digging.”

“He breathed slowly, let Alan have no satisfaction in his response.”

There were a few sentences like this where I was expecting something like “and,” or something like that. I figured it was a style choice. When it comes to literary consumption, I am no gourmet, so I just thought I’d throw that in there as my own two cents as a bumpkin reader.  

Your tale is full of vivid imagery, and the grotesque characters are disgusting, in a good way. Have you ever heard of a video game called Duke Nukem? Well, there’s these bad guys who are pig men dressed in police uniforms that are out to get you. I immediately thought of those guys running around when I was introduced to Hog and had a good chuckle. Sorry, I went off on a tantrum there.

Your description of the pulsating, fleshy pouch was delightfully disturbing. I’ve had to visit a few mobile homes/ trailers in my day, and when I read about that nasty shag carpet, I could smell it. Good job on giving my nose flashbacks. 

All in all your tale was a whirlwind ride of debauchery, betrayal, and murder. A truly filthy business that is, Pouch Cream. 




*PIP
“Same Language Different Lingo”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17.5

Review:

Damn culture shock. I feel like your story could be adapted for television. No real SPaG issues here that I noticed. One line seemed to have just a little bit of redundancy.

“‘Hi., I’m Charlotte.’ Charlotte was still suffering from jet-lag and not yet in focus.”

I feel like you could have just referred to her as “she,” after the quotations.

The two women in your story stood out from each other. I could imagine Candy with her overwhelming Texas accent and Charlotte responding with an elegant, if not a little stiff, fashion of her own. I imagined it as Mary Poppins meets Peg Bundy. I truly enjoyed the little confusion over the pouch cream and fanny pack. That was a fun and humorous twist in the story.

One part that sort of threw me off was towards the beginning. The past moving into the present then jumping back to a more recent past. I feel almost as if I wouldn’t really miss anything if the part where she is already at the baby shower wasn’t there. 

All in all a fun little piece that explores the frustrations of cross cultural communication. It is fascinating how people can speak the same language still may not understand each other. Thank you for sharing.

 [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=ppsage's scores] A quite enjoyable little batch of entries. I feel people struggling a bit with the prompt which I guess we've all been anticipating for a good while. 650 words is really short, for any kind of story.


 [1]*godofwine 
“Play Ball"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7
 Overall:16
*

 Review. Baseball! -------- Clean SPaG except a couple minor wording issues: cramming too many actions into a sequence can get confusing. Something as simple as "Arthur said, laughing and everyone joined in" is probably clearer and more concise as "Arthur said, laughing. Everyone joined in." I gave a point off in voice for this and because the voice overall seems pretty bland to me. I feel like the story lacks a strong point. What it really seems to be about is the possible salacious interpretations of the prompt, but I worry this depends too much on the reader bringing a certain history to the piece. It also seems to waste some of its effort on details which add little (dropping stuff and picking it up for instance) to the characterization, and then has to summarily explain what's important (It was the first time he truly felt accepted since he moved into the neighborhood two weeks before.) I think pieces this short need a strong point or strong characterization to really succeed.




 [2]*The Fantastical
“The Inciting Incident"
 Spelling/Grammar: 2
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 5
 Overall:10*


 Review: Pouches are PEOPLE! ------- Way too much SPaG. This was posted with like ten days to go, so there was certainly time for a bunch more review to get the mistakes under control. A 'startling reveal' story needs a larger and more understandable context than this to be very effective. The only thing I really know about 'pouches' and 'bags' is that for some reason the news publishes their sales records. 




 [3]*plawrence
“The Outing"
 Spelling/Grammar: 
 Tone/Voice: 
 Effect: 
 Overall:*


 Review: Surprise!? ------------ Clean writing I think. There is some good imagery for an excited kid. However, the constant allusion to excitement and surprise seems very overworked to me. This, along with a couple of dubious speech tags (exclaimed, when Dad's calming her down and intoned for the friendly zookeeper,) reduced the tone score. In the end, after she studied 'roos for two years in preparation for a promised excursion, I didn't really figure out what the big surprise was supposed to be. 




 [4]*anon
“Pouch Cream For Pouch Ouch"
 Spelling/Grammar:5 
 Tone/Voice:5
 Effect:5 
 Overall:15*


 Review: Ouch. ------------- The judges were polled before this was posted to see if it was prose enough for the challenge and I opined yes. One finds its ilk in long fiction occasionally, where it generally is provided a context this lacks. Full marks for SPaG and Tone but in the end, despite what seems to be some internal claims, I do not find enough narrative here to stay really interested. Perhaps there is one but I'm too dumb to get it.




 [5]*Makili
“The delivery"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall:17*


 Review: Nobody likes possums I guess even though they eat slugs. ----------- Pretty clean story. I'm not a huge fan of characters who are just dialog tags for expository speeches. 




 [6]*Ptolemy
“Hip Lingo"
 Spelling/Grammar:4 
 Tone/Voice:5 
 Effect: 9
 Overall:18*


 Review: This is pretty funny if one reads it as an analogy for the storied history of the prompt. Not sure if that's intentional. The dialog is in the moment; the characters are talking to each other and not just to me. This is for me the most important aspect of dialog, especially in pieces so short as to hardly be really stories.




 [7]*joshybo
“Their Will Be Done"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall:17*


 Review: By far the best incorporation of the prompt. Turned it into a well-placed and potent image. Unfortunately that sort of potency only happens in the last tiny bit of the story. I thought in the rest of the story the imagery served mostly as window-dressing without engaging me in the characters or their problems. What I know about this situation is like what I'd learn from looking at a stage setting before the performance. There's lots of details but they're all just about ambiguous atmosphere. 




 [8]*Pluralized
“C.R.E.A.M."
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 8
 Overall:18*


 Review: This is a very ambitious story for so few words which succeeds to a large degree, but still leaves me taking quite a bit on faith. Very strong voice. It's hard to set up a completely different universe so quickly. Lots of action with telling details. 




 [9]*PiP
“Same Language Different Lingo"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 7
 Overall:17*


 Review: I questioned the choice of POV here but ended up liking the distance from the MC. What I don't get is any reasonable explanation for her to so hopelessly confabulate her visitor's shopping list. It is funny, but I don't yet buy Charlotte being quite that much of an idiot.

  [/spoiler2]
*Disqualified for editing after allotted time​


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## escorial (Apr 29, 2017)

well done


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## PiP (Apr 29, 2017)

Congrats, Ptolemy! Enjoyed your story

I loved this fun prompt. Just my cup of tea


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## Pluralized (Apr 29, 2017)

I am honored to have taken part in this fantastic competition once again, and with a prompt that is so near and dear to my cold, blackened heart.

Congrats P-toh, Joshy, and all you judge-types. Thanks for volunteering your spare time to score us; hope to see you all on the next one. I had some fun creating my weird little tale, though it suffers from the same old lack of coherency common with my writing. Someday I'll attain better focus hopefully and write something that tickles everyone's fancy more consistently. 

Onward to May!


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## Ptolemy (Apr 29, 2017)

Wow thanks to the judges and everyone who entered in! Great entries by everyone.


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## Bard_Daniel (Apr 29, 2017)

Congratulations to everyone! : D


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## Candervalle (Apr 29, 2017)

Congratulations to Ptolemy, Joshybo, and Pluralized! And thank you to all who entered in this month's LM. It was a challenging prompt to be sure.


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## bdcharles (Apr 30, 2017)

Goddammit I was aiming for the bottom of the pouch with this one (it was mostly SoC with a little storycraft-as-allegory bombed in there)   Then someone had to go and get disqualified! Anyway congrats to Ptolemy and thanks as always to judges, hosts and other entrants for a great comp.


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## The Fantastical (Apr 30, 2017)

Congratulations!


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## joshybo (Apr 30, 2017)

Congrats to Ptolemy and Plur, and thank you to the judges and organizers for your effort and time! This was definitely a tricky prompt to approach, but that's what makes these comps worthwhile. I'm looking forward to reading the entries next month already. Hopefully we have another good turnout for that one!


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