# Mutual Suicide



## tinacrabapple (Jan 13, 2016)

I sat at the neighbor’s table staring at a piece of chocolate cake and a toilet paper roll.  My face was puffy and swollen.  A female cop approached the table and placed my mud covered mucks by my wet socked foot. 
“We found your boot in the mud.  How are you holding up?”  
Exhausted, I looked  up at the officer.  “I’m sorry we have to do this now, but I need a statement and we are almost done with everything else here.”
Then, I inhaled and then blew my nose. I leaned my temple on my clutched fist and looked down at the chocolate cake and began to tell my story.  “It was around 3 o’clock this afternoon when a car came booming into my back yard.  The car spun around skidding to a stop with the windshield facing toward the house.  The car doors swung open and two people jumped out.  The neighbor’s son, Nick, was with his girlfriend.  He had been driving.  He ran to the end of the car and extended his hand as he look toward the cliff. “Come on!”  He screamed.  As she ran to him and took his hand, she looked back at me over her shoulder through her glasses as if to tell me something.  Then I ran towards them with open arms and screamed, “I love humanity!”  as they ran and leapt off the cliff.”  I paused and put my hand to my nose and let out another sob.  
“I know this is very difficult.  I want to assure you, that this is a very unusual case.   Can you tell me where you were in the house when this happened?”
“I was on the porch drink a cup of tea and watching the sunset.  The fall colors are at their peak.  After the jump, I felt a great force pulling me back as I hysterically ran away towards the driveway.  I felt  heavy as if a great energy source was sucking me back toward the cliff. It was as if the world was imploding into Hell.  With all my might, I ran up the driveway toward the neighbor’s house.  My boot fell off as I ran, but I kept going in the greatest panic of my life.  You see, I had just been a witness of mutual suicide.  

When I got to the neighbor’s house, I pounded on the door. “Let me in!”  And I opened the door and fell in on the floor.  Jean was in the kitchen and Frank was just coming out of the toilet.  I looked up and yelled, “Nick did it!  He killed himself with his girlfriend!”  Jean ran from the kitchen.  Jean yelled back, “My GOD! We knew it! Oh my dear God!”  She fell onto the couch and Frank leaned against the wall to keep himself from falling.  

I got myself off the floor and sat in the armchair by the door.  I broke down and began to sob.    Frank went into the kitchen and called 911.  While I sat there with Jean with her face in her hands.  “Why?  Why?” She cried, “We couldn’t find him.  We knew he was going to do it.  He left the note at the health center.  We couldn’t find him.”  

Nick’s mute and intellectually disabled twin walked into the room and sat next to his step-mother and put his arm around her.  She turned toward him and sobbed into his arm.  Frank came back out and sat on the other side of Jean with his hand on her back.  He was cry as well.  Cliff then got up and returned with a piece of chocolate cake for me.  Mutely, I took it from him and watched him sit back down again.   Frank informed me that I needed to stay here until the police arrived.

Nick has always been emotionally disturbed even from the time we were kids.  I have been a neighbor my whole life.  My parents sold me the house I grew up in and moved to Florida.  Anyway, when I was about 12, I was sitting up in a tree in the woods when Nick pulled Cliff under my branch.  He didn’t know that I was up there.  He was dragging Cliff, who was all balled up, like in fetal position, you know?  Nick exposed himself and tried to pull off Cliff’s pants.  I fell out of the tree,.  Nick ran away, but I had broken my arm.  

Jean took Cliff to the doctor who was able to verify the physical abuse from the bruises.  Cliff has always been mute.  This was not a one time event.  From that point on, Nick was placed in another setting, kinda of like a group home.  Nick was shortly there after diagnosised with bipolar. Every time, I saw Cliff at school, he’d smile toward me with a twisted lip.  In a sense, I guess he had a kinda’ crush on me for saving him.  

Nick went to college as he was very smart.  And believe it or not, Nick went on to Yale and got a master’s degree in divinity studies.  He moved back here with a female minister who had gotten a job as an associate pastor in a local church.  I saw him from time to time and he never acknowledged me.  This is how I assumed he was still pretty “off”.  I have no idea who this woman was or how Nick was able to function in a relationship.  It must have been the worst case of co-dependency in history or he completely brain-washed her.

Nick came to the house not too long ago and was apparently yelling at Cliff when Jean came back from grocery shopping.  There was quite a scene of yelling and the cops came, because I made an anynomous call.  Frank had been out at the stables.  Apparently, Nick had tried to tell Cliff he was sorry and give him a cross, but when Cliff reacted by balling up on the floor Nick started to verbally abuse him. 

Shortly after this, he disappeared with his girl friend for a week or so and then left the note at the community health center.  Jean had come by not too long ago and shared this with me.   She described the intended suicide as a pact between the two.  They said their intention was to join the Lord’s army as soldiers of the light, because the love between them was pure.  She was in great pain over this incident.  You are left with a feeling of helplessness.   I can only imagine the pain Nick was feeling as he walked around with these thoughts, but even worse, what was Cliff feeling?  Being mute, we just don’t completely always know.  

Then there is Frank who always seems like an afterthought with all this chaos between the boys and Jean trying to play referee.  Frank has always been  the most helpless of all.  As obsurd as it seems, there was never anyone really to protect Cliff.  Jean did the best she could, best she was not Cliff’s real mother and lack true authority over him.  It took Jean time to get Frank sobered up.  By that time, it was already too late.

perpetrator and found this woman to victimize instead.  He couldn’t do it alone, because he was a coward.

I’m not sure what kind of thinking they both followed, but Christianity doesn’t follow such easy tenets.  You don’t just get into the army, you have to find the light inside.You need to surrender and Nick was a fighter.  He couldn’t accept Cliff’s rejection of him.


I can see why they did it at the cliff, because it was a guarenteed smack.  As kids we’d go to the edge and look down.  There was nothing but hellish blackness.  It goes something like 200 feet down into the earth.  We called it the haunted abyss.  It was easy to imagine falling through the earth and coming out the other side.  


Two weeks after the accident, Cliff came by the house.  He knocked on the door.  When I opened it he handed me some flowers and hugged me.  Then he walked away toward the toward the suicide spot.  It was the first snow and the flakes were like little angels blowing all around him in a t-shirt.  Standing there, he looked up at the white sky and bellowed.  He then let his head fall and threw the flowers into the pit.  He walked away into the squall and I think his lip was twisted into a smile.


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## Ephemeral_One (Jan 15, 2016)

A very nice piece but you lost me at points with word choice Though, I'm also unsure of how much of what towards the end that the MC is telling the police or just reflecting on. Still, it's got a good bitterness.


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## 20oz (Feb 1, 2016)

Brace yourself. I'm not going to be very kind.

I'm assuming this section is where the interrogation starts and ends. If you knew where to use quotation marks, then we--the readers--would have been able to distinguish that. It's not the case because it reads like she's still being interrogated by the officer long before this section is over.



> I sat at the neighbor’s table staring at a piece of chocolate cake and a toilet paper roll. My face was puffy and swollen. A female cop approached the table and placed my mud covered mucks by my wet socked foot.
> “We found your boot in the mud. How are you holding up?”
> Exhausted, I looked up at the officer. “I’m sorry we have to do this now, but I need a statement and we are almost done with everything else here.”
> Then, I inhaled and then blew my nose. I leaned my temple on my clutched fist and looked down at the chocolate cake and began to tell my story. “It was around 3 o’clock this afternoon when a car came booming into my back yard. The car spun around skidding to a stop with the windshield facing toward the house. The car doors swung open and two people jumped out. The neighbor’s son, Nick, was with his girlfriend. He had been driving. He ran to the end of the car and extended his hand as he look toward the cliff. “Come on!” He screamed. As she ran to him and took his hand, she looked back at me over her shoulder through her glasses as if to tell me something. Then I ran towards them with open arms and screamed, “I love humanity!” as they ran and leapt off the cliff.” I paused and put my hand to my nose and let out another sob.
> ...



Here's what I would have did:



> I sat at the neighbor’s table staring at a piece of chocolate cake and a toilet paper roll. My face was puffy and swollen. A female cop approached the table and placed my mud covered mucks by my wet socked foot.
> 
> “We found your boot in the mud. How are you holding up?”
> 
> ...



And here's the part where you lost me forever. :chargrined: It goes into exposition mode. It's not very good story telling if you're outlining the history of her neighbours. It feels rushed because of it.



> Nick has always been emotionally disturbed even from the time we were kids. I have been a neighbor my whole life. My parents sold me the house I grew up in and moved to Florida. Anyway, when I was about 12, I was sitting up in a tree in the woods when Nick pulled Cliff under my branch. He didn’t know that I was up there. He was dragging Cliff, who was all balled up, like in fetal position, you know? Nick exposed himself and tried to pull off Cliff’s pants. I fell out of the tree,. Nick ran away, but I had broken my arm.
> 
> Jean took Cliff to the doctor who was able to verify the physical abuse from the bruises. Cliff has always been mute. This was not a one time event. From that point on, Nick was placed in another setting, kinda of like a group home. Nick was shortly there after diagnosised with bipolar. Every time, I saw Cliff at school, he’d smile toward me with a twisted lip. In a sense, I guess he had a kinda’ crush on me for saving him.
> 
> ...



Your lack of knowing what your *true* *setting *is what messed you up. It's everywhere. It goes from the interrogation, and then it goes a couple of hours before the incident, and then it suddenly ends soon after the exposition.

Or.

The *main character *shouldn't have been the one narrating the story. She has little to nothing to do with the story. Who do you think, out of all the characters you mentioned, should have been narrating?


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## whycan'tIhinkofaname? (Feb 5, 2016)

I agree with the last post, it also didn't seem to flow if you know what I mean, it seemed very jumpy and felt like it was stopping and starting loads. The idea and thought you put into it was great though. I kinda suck at writing so I can't say much


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## DarkSunshine (Feb 8, 2016)

Yes. It was enjoyable to read, but I found some grammatical errors:
It was around 3 o’clock this afternoon when a car came booming into my back yard. (Backyard shouldn't be spaced apart.)
“Come on!” He screamed. (It should be "Come on!" he screamed.)

Just some grammar errors here and there, but overall I enjoyed it! Nice job!


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## MizzouRam (Feb 10, 2016)

20oz said:


> Brace yourself. I'm not going to be very kind.
> 
> I'm assuming this section is where the interrogation starts and ends. If you knew where to use quotation marks, then we--the readers--would have been able to distinguish that. It's not the case because it reads like she's still being interrogated by the officer long before this section is over.
> 
> ...


Having an extremely passive main character is a common problem with new writers and something I have struggled with as well. It's like the character is watching the story rather than being a part of it.


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## ShamelessBrute (Feb 10, 2016)

MizzouRam said:


> Having an extremely passive main character is a common problem with new writers and something I have struggled with as well. It's like the character is watching the story rather than being a part of it.



Unless your going for more of a Great Gatsby feel

Plus you did jump alot, you should of maybe opened with the police questioning, then go through Nick and Cliff life chronologically, bring up their parents right away. and spit balling i know, maybe try with the suicidees if that's what their called be revealed at the end...and the random "s didn't help


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## Lsahlm (Feb 11, 2016)

Hi Tina. Here's some things that I noticed:



tinacrabapple said:


> I sat at the neighbor’s table staring at a piece of chocolate cake and a toilet paper roll.  My face was puffy and swollen.  A female cop *<--I feel that could have been something more concrete for a better visual than "female cop."  *
> 
> “We found your boot in the mud.  How are you holding up?”
> Exhausted, I looked  up at the officer.  “I’m sorry we have to do this now, but I need a statement and we are almost done with everything else here.”
> Then, I inhaled and then blew my nose. I leaned my temple on my clutched fist and looked down at the chocolate cake and began to tell my story.  “It was around 3 o’clock this afternoon when a car came booming into my back yard.  The car spun around skidding to a stop with the windshield facing toward the house.  The car doors swung open and two people jumped out.  The neighbor’s son, Nick, was with his girlfriend.  He had been driving.  He ran to the end of the car and extended his hand as he look toward the cliff. “Come on!”  He screamed.  As she ran to him and took his hand, she looked back at me over her shoulder through her glasses as if to tell me something.  Then I ran towards them with open arms and screamed, “I love humanity!”  as they ran and leapt off the cliff.”  I paused and put my hand to my nose and let out another sob.


That's an awful lot of speaking wo any breaks. You stated the mc was exhausted, so I feel there could have been a few beats in there: mc paused to take a breath, took a sip of water, scratched. Just _something _to make it more than a robotic stream of non-stop talking. For me it was almost exhausting to read.





> ...“I was on the porch drink a cup of tea and watching the sunset.  The fall colors are at their peak.  After the jump, I felt a great force pulling me back as I hysterically ran away towards the driveway.  I felt  heavy as if a great energy source was sucking me back toward the cliff. It was as if the world was imploding into Hell.  With all my might, I ran up the driveway toward the neighbor’s house.  My boot fell off as I ran, but I kept going in the greatest panic of my life.  You see, I had just been a witness of mutual suicide.





> When I got to the neighbor’s house, I pounded on the door. “Let me in!”  And I opened the door and fell in on the floor.  Jean was in the kitchen and Frank was just coming out of the toilet.  I looked up and yelled, “Nick did it!  He killed himself with his girlfriend!”  Jean ran from the kitchen.  Jean yelled back, “My GOD! We knew it! Oh my dear God!”  She fell onto the couch and Frank leaned against the wall to keep himself from falling.
> 
> I got myself off the floor and sat in the armchair by the door.  I broke down and began to sob.    Frank went into the kitchen and called 911.  While I sat there with Jean with her face in her hands.  “Why?  Why?” She cried, “We couldn’t find him.  We knew he was going to do it.  He left the note at the health center.  We couldn’t find him.”



Same here. What's happening while all this talking is going on? What are some reactions from the listeners? Didn't the mc have any quick personal thoughts about the events. This, like the first section felt very robotic and emotionless to me. Also, quite a bit of it sounded unnatural. Not how a "normal," real person would talk: 
*After the jump, I felt a _*great *force _pulling me back _as I hysterically ran away_ towards the driveway.
I just don't believe a person would really speak that way.
 *...as if a *great *energy source...
Two very close, very unnatural-sounding "greats."
*but I kept going in the *great*est panic of my life.
Make that three.

I could quote more, but I'd just be repeating myself since I saw the same things throughout the piece: robotic telling, little emotion deeper than superficial or superficially told, unnatural speech. 
I'm simply pointing this out with hope that maybe it's something you may have not noticed, and a third party reader may pick up on. I'm hoping to help and definitely not hurt. Anything less would be a waste of both our time. And of course, you can choose to sweep, it's only an opinion. See ya next time...


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## Pendell (Feb 11, 2016)

A lot of the dialogue in this either makes no sense or isn't very natural. Most notably: "I love humanity!" A real person in the situation described wouldn't say that. Also, you seem to have a hard time deciding where and when your story is taking place. Your constant use of pronouns makes it rather hard to figure out who is speaking to who, I would recommend using the characters' actual names more than you did. Overall I think if you did some basic editing this could be a lot better. Maybe organize the story a little better and think of more realistic dialogue. There is potential here, though! It's a very original idea.


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