# My soul



## YoungScholar (Jan 15, 2016)

Not deity or visible nor comprehensible
My eyes gaze upon the set of the sun
My heart feels the embrace of its beauty
My soul, oh soul, to what are you made of?


These ears hear without question
These eyes see without debate
This heart feels no doubt
My soul, oh soul, to what are you made of?


Not measured or tangible nor understood
In disgust I can close my eyes
In fear I can cover my ears
My soul, oh soul, to what are you made of?


Some deny some accept some ignore
To live only by the portrait of a gaze!
All are curious all will wonder
My soul, oh soul, to what are you made of?

A day will come where life sounds the bell
Riches tossed, bodies lost, memories frost!
People will forget, the body flailed into a pit
My soul, oh soul, to what are you made of?


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## -xXx- (Jan 15, 2016)

I like the idea of this poem.
I like the ambience created by word choice and use of form.

I'm not seeing commas.
comprehensible is understood; this reader misses a nuance.

"To live only by the portrait of a gaze."
I feel like one of these words must be off.
Clarification of author's intent?


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## YoungScholar (Jan 15, 2016)

The portrait line is supposed to give the image that people create a picture of the world by using nothing but a glance of all that is reality.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2016)

YoungScholar said:


> Nor deity nor visible nor comprehensible**Hummm.. I have a tiny problem with using "Nor" at the beginning of this sentence..
> My eyes gaze upon the set of the sun
> My heart feels the embrace of its beauty
> My soul oh soul, to which are you made of?** "To which are you made of"...[JMO] but this sounds strange.. I know what you are trying to express, but maybe... word it different? just a thought..
> ...



OK.. well there are a lot of things I love about your poem, the questioning nature.. asking, seeking an answer.. I get that, I wish you would strengthen THAT concept, and keep it cohesive.. I do think you have a fabulous start, just tweak this a little and make your message powerful.. Thank you so much for sharing your work, I am looking forward to reading more...


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## YoungScholar (Jan 15, 2016)

Thank you for the feedback! I wrote this in the moment so I do need to edit some grammar. The ears and eyes disgust line... I was trying to put the point across that if you see something bad you can close your eyes, if you hear something horrible you can cover your ears, but your soul has no choice but to embrace everything


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## Darkkin (Jan 15, 2016)

YoungScholar said:


> I wrote this in the moment so I do need to edit some grammar.



The use of nor as the first word in the first line shows this clearly, as it is improperly placed and conjugated as there has been nothing stated at that point to form a comparison.  Take the time and do a basic edit before you post.  As stated by xxx, you loose a lot of your context for want of a few commas. 

 Grammar and punctuation matter, both to readers and writers.  We aren't here to edit and proofread.  Respect your work and take the couple of minutes and do a basic read through.  The Go Advanced button in the lower right hand corner allows you to do this more thoroughly.

Overall, I like your concept, but the lack of grammar and punctuation detracts from what could be a cool piece.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 15, 2016)

Poetry actually doesn't have to be perfectly correct in terms of grammar, true poetry is art, not having to 100% abide by every English rule out there. I didn't ask this to be edited, I just wanted to share my thoughts through my first poem.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 15, 2016)

This is just my opinion. I hold dear what I first write to how it sounds and how I write when it comes from the heart on the spur of the moment. I can't reproduce ideas like that. I should have made it grammatically correct I suppose. I should probably just keep these poems privately in my journal. I just was curious about thoughts on the idea, not advice on how to make it publishable. I write poetry for me, so I'm sorry.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2016)

Critiques are.. tools, to be used or discarded, the poet's choice.. Critiques and comments are meant to inspire, encourage, teach and mentor... and maybe... excite and challenge you to grow as a writer.. anyway that's what a good critique should do to a serious poet.. soo, keep on writing...


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## Darkkin (Jan 15, 2016)

@YS

It has been generally agreed that you _concept_ is good, the issue, grammar aside, is an overabundance of ambiguity.  There is a gap between the _concept_ and the coherency of the poem that needs to be bridged.  That can only be done by editing, and editing is a part of the writer's learning curve.

There are some phrases that really come through and stand out where you clearly hit your stride: _the portrait of a gaze_, being among the more striking.  By editing, you prune down lines, phrases and filler that would otherwise obscure imagery like this.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 16, 2016)

I understand, thanks for the help


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## Aquarius (Jan 16, 2016)

Here is my perception of what your poem might be trying to tell our world:

Oh soul, my soul, what are you made of?
Being neither visible nor comprehensible,
Are you the Divine part of me?
When my eyes gaze upon the setting Sun and
My heart feels the embrace of its beauty and warmth,
I yearn to know you.

Oh soul, my soul, what are you made of?
My inner ears listen to you
And without questioning I know you are there.
Although my earthly eyes cannot see you,
My heart feels no doubt.

Oh soul, my soul, what are you made of?
Intangible as you are and not understood,
You cannot be measured.
But when I am disgusted I close my eyes
And when I’m afraid I cover my ears,
And deep within I feel that you are with me,
Guiding and protecting me,
By day and by night.

Oh soul, my soul, what are you made of?
Some deny your existence and to this day
Many simply ignore your callings
That come to us from deep within
The very core of our own being.
If only we could see you,
All would worship and adore you.

My soul, oh my soul. . .

* * *
​


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## YoungScholar (Jan 16, 2016)

Whether my goal was to say all that or not, because you interpreted that way makes it important  very interesting observations


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## Aquarius (Jan 17, 2016)

I am glad to hear that you perceive my offering that way. Thank you.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 17, 2016)

Edited the poem to make it correct


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## Darkkin (Jan 17, 2016)

A small change that makes a big difference, thank you.



YoungScholar said:


> My soul, oh soul, what are you made of?



Just a couple of suggestions in this line.  One, a second comma, as you are treating the soul as the addressee and the removal of the to, in all three occurrences of the line.  If you read the line aloud, to tangles the flow and coherency of the line.  How does the to relate to the what?  How is it relevant, essential to the flow of the piece?  What does that particular article add?  If nothing, chances are you can remove it.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 18, 2016)

The reason I wrote "To what are you made of" rather than directly asking the soul "what are you made of" is because the voice I am aiming towards is a distance between the soul. I felt like "To what are you made of" makes it sound as if you are talking from afar, rather than "what are you made of" making it sound closer. Just my weird style preference.


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## YoungScholar (Jan 18, 2016)

This topic really inspires me; I can't find the time to write a book about this, so I stick to these kinds of short writings in an attempt to express my perception of life. I added a 5th line to my poem in hopes of better wrapping everything up. Hope it doesn't worsen the content


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