# Tear apart your own (and others') failed poems



## andrewclunn (Jan 26, 2018)

Thought I'd make a thread for sharing poems that, when all was said and done, we weren't too fond / proud of and felt couldn't be fixed without entirely rewriting them.  This has happened to me on numerous occasions, though I think there might be something to be learned from the failures (hence this thread).  Since people who post their own poems here are admitting to their failures, it's a great place to really practice critique in a way that is unrestrained by concerns regarding the author's feelings.

PLEASE ONLY SUBMIT WORK THAT YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF

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*A Beginner's Guide To Stylish Writing*

A simile is kind of like a metaphor.
A metaphor is a simile.
Verbs can be used as subjects
if you write them nounishly.

Prepositions were under used before,
but now they're totally in.
Contractions are still lame though
and no one uses them.

Two reasons to avoid slang terms:
First, there's literary criticism.
Second, they're too confusing to their readers.
Plebs can't grok colloquialisms.

If you're gonna use it sparingly
some elision is allowed.
Homonyms can bee tuff two spot
when they are red aloud.

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Aside from being one of those "Oh aren't I so clever?" writing meta-humor pieces, this is also the same old four line stanza with even line rhyming scheme that I ALWAYS seem to fall back on.  It wasn't particularly funny or interesting, while taking far too much effort to write even a first draft because of the self-referential nature of the piece.  Hence why I never "finished" it, though the right way to end it also eluded me.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 26, 2018)

It’s probably a little ironic for me to be posting this but, failed just might be the wrong word choice. The only “failed” 
poem is the one you give up on.  I don’t disagree with the advice provided, in fact I need to be more aware of them, at least after the rough draft.


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## Darkkin (Jan 26, 2018)

These rhymes are not even rhymes, they are technically suffixes.  A true rhyme is based in the root word, not a conjugation...Conjugation is premitted when using true rhyme, but it is not in and of itself, an actual rhyme.  It is the contrived repeat of a conjugative pattern.  Sorry, but as a rhymer, I am an advocate of roots because they are the building blocks of foundations.

Also, content, not funny, and it would be an affront to the pun.  This idea is beyond the cliche, it is a horse beaten into glue.  :deadhorse:

Every poet posts the Poem about poetry and language, ' Look how smart I am...'  That is dime a dozen writing.  Same song, same verse.  Just as critiques on pieces like this are in one of two camps: _The Aren't You a Cute, Clever Word Wizard...Pat, pat...Camp.  _Or the much hated, horribly pragmatic, _Did the Narrator Ever Try Reading This Piece Aloud?  Camp._  The collisions with full on critique with pieces of this nature, leave critique standing tall and practical, staring enigmatically at the wreck of well intentioned punny fun.

'Humour, it is a difficult concept.'  - Lt. Saavik

And from a member's standpoint, I would advise extreme caution before posting anyone's work in a thread such as this, as the title of the thread implies.  Be very specific with your directions.  e.g.  Only the author of a poem may submit the 'failure' poem for review.  With the wording as is, it sounds like members are encourage to submit examples of work they read, not work they, themselves have written, and viewed as failures for unbaised workshopping.

The thread title is an invitation for a caldron of petty revenge and potential flaming.

Am I being a pessimist, without a doubt.  Basic netiquette, keeps things in decent order, but people are not predictable.  They are just as likely to be cruel as they are to be kind.  So why hand them a chance for unbridled malice in the form of mockery, if/when the author was not the one to submit a piece?

This is entirely hypothetical of course, but never underestimate people, both in their capacity for good and ill.  And it does not take a great leap of logic for some poster, pissed about a critique by another member to post work belonging to the offending member, to a thread like this.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea, total catharisis, but you need to establish ground rules _before_ such issues arise and draw the ire of Mods.  A safer home for a thread of this type might be further down the board in prompts and word games, not the active posting forum.

Just some thoughts.

- D.


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## PiP (Jan 26, 2018)

You're brave, Andrew! I like the idea and I'm sure  I have many such darlings in my poetry notebooks that have never seen the light of day. I often have an idea which I fail to convey. I think if I am being totally honest this is what you have basically done here.



andrewclunn said:


> Thought I'd make a thread for sharing poems that, when all was said and done, we weren't too fond / proud of and felt couldn't be fixed without entirely rewriting them.
> --------------------
> 
> *A Beginner's Guide To Stylish Writing*
> ...



I actually found this 

_Plebs can't grok colloquialisms.

If you're gonna use it sparingly
some elision is allowed.
Homonyms can bee tuff two spot
when they are red aloud

_quite humorous ... so if you're gonna write a tongue-in-cheek poem: *A Beginner's Guide To Stylish Writing
*go the whole hog and 'right' something outrageous


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## Bloggsworth (Jan 26, 2018)

This one doesn't quite hit the spot, perhaps it's trying too hard:

*Summoned by a Rose*

“Come - inhale my fragrance,
did any wine have such bouquet?
Pick me; clasp me to your bosom,
pin me to your breast. Dew?
Not dew, but tears of joy at proud existence.
Take me; show me to the world and it to me,
show the masses my perfection,
let them see my carmine clothing. Red!
no ordinary red, but such a red as would
blanche a harlot’s lips with envious rage.
See how my skirts around me wrap,
fold on fold of sheer perfection.
A velvet sheen of Queenly raiment
encompassing a heart brim full with rapture.
Enjoy me now; you may not pass this way again
nor may my beauty touch your eyes another day.”


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## andrewclunn (Jan 26, 2018)

The question of "Dew?" did not need to be asked.  The request to be plucked coming up front and then going to description kills the action.  Better to have the introductions up front and build to the action.  It also seems like the request was turned down by the ending, but all direct questions that are left unanswered are again at the beginning instead of at the end.  If the goal was "narcissistic rose cannot handle rejection" then with a bit of rearranging you've got something to work with here.  If your attempt was to display the wondrous beauty of a rose, then having the rose respond or react to the person in question for some contrast is needed.  You can't personify the rose, make it the narrator, and not have the semblance of a personality be detectable with an emotional aesthetic poem.


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## Bloggsworth (Jan 27, 2018)

andrewclunn said:


> The question of "Dew?" did not need to be asked.  The request to be plucked coming up front and then going to description kills the action.  Better to have the introductions up front and build to the action.  It also seems like the request was turned down by the ending, but all direct questions that are left unanswered are again at the beginning instead of at the end.  If the goal was "narcissistic rose cannot handle rejection" then with a bit of rearranging you've got something to work with here.  If your attempt was to display the wondrous beauty of a rose, then having the rose respond or react to the person in question for some contrast is needed.  You can't personify the rose, make it the narrator, and not have the semblance of a personality be detectable with an emotional aesthetic poem.



Thanks, I'll ponder on those thoughts.


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 27, 2018)

Disrupted by a system error
Simply chatting like a fella
Does when he thinks ‘she’s a love’

Feelin’ just a little tight
No, ‘All will be all right’
Suddenly turn white,
System error, this unhappy fella
Suffers from a system error.

System error, some disruption,
Program suffering corruption
Interruption, violent eruption

Feelin’ just a little tight
No, ‘All will be all right’
Suddenly turn white,
System error, this unhappy fella
Suffers from a system error.

Dress a mess, distress, reassess,
Transgressed, failure to impress
Denied access.


Error - fella, that's awful. It was the early sixties, saw a couple 'snogging' in a car park and he suddenly stepped back a pace and threw up down her front. Am I stupid or what? A striking image, sure, but hardly the subject for a poem   No the poem is as much of a failure as the lover I am afraid


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## Phil Istine (Jan 27, 2018)

*LANGUAGE WARNING*

A fair percentage of my NaPoWriMo offerings can be classified as rubbish that is beyond repair.  I needed ten in the last two days to make the total of thirty - all while going out to work and being a carer for someone who was ill.
Not surprisingly, I turned out some major crap.

Although there were a few candidates, I think the one below possibly qualifies as the worst of the worst and was written with tongue firmly in cheek.  No critique sought.  I honestly know it's awful 

*Politicians Should Have Orange Knobs (rude word alaert)*

_Unexpected item in the bagging area,    
_nagged the crap contraption once again.
"Piss off!" I said, ‘You sound more like my mother
every day."
_No need for swearing, sir, I’m only doing my job.
  If you want to power me down,
  please press the orange knob._

  I stared, amazed,
  at a checkout that gave smart answers.
  "Are you sentient?" I asked,
  "an intelligent being?"
_I am,_ it said, _all-dancing all-singing_
_But they said I was too shallow -
  only wanting people for their money,
  Honey.
  They programmed me with lots of tricks.
  I should have gone
  into politics._


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 27, 2018)

I like the basic idea of the machine that answers back


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## Phil Istine (Jan 27, 2018)

Olly Buckle said:


> I like the basic idea of the machine that answers back



I hate those self-serve checkouts with a passion that defies logic.  That alleged poem was my revenge


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## TL Murphy (Jan 27, 2018)

*.*


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## Robbie (Jan 27, 2018)

Love it. You forgot pickup trucks.


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## andrewclunn (Jan 27, 2018)

Should be in Comic Sans.


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## TuesdayEve (Feb 4, 2018)

Dear Phil, I’ve had similar experiences except she was
impatient, loud, and borderline obnoxious so I stopped
visiting her. I like her quieter, more polite counterpart 
who could ansewer my questions and return a smile.


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