# lie in the sky



## Absolem (Jan 18, 2017)

Alone by myself
My heart and soul laid bare
Crushed on the floor

I looked up to see
To see him see me
I thought he would give
But he just wanted more
A hurt spirit, a broken mind
My weakness opened the door

I saw pure evil
I felt the light die
When I looked up
And saw the lie in his eye
When I looked up
And saw a lie in the sky


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## sas (Jan 19, 2017)

Your best work. There are places I'd change, but this is your voice, not mine, and it's heard.  Excellent, Absolem!


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## Absolem (Jan 19, 2017)

sas said:


> Your best work. There are places I'd change, but this is your voice, not mine, and it's heard.  Excellent, Absolem!


Thanks brother. Thought I'd post a more personal piece. Glad you enjoyed it.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 20, 2017)

This was pretty good. Nice interconnection and fluid style throughout. 

Thanks for sharing!


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## sas (Jan 20, 2017)

Ok, one suggestion (sorry can't help myself...smiles)

It is never good to kill a good line by using it in title. When it is finally read it is dead on arrival. 

Consider eliminating the first stanza, start with the second.

You could use as title: "Crushed on the floor . . ."
By writing it as sentence, followed by ellipsis, it becomes part of the first line. It is effective, or, I think it is. Smiles.

Your thoughts? Sas


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## Absolem (Jan 20, 2017)

sas said:


> Ok, one suggestion (sorry can't help myself...smiles)
> 
> It is never good to kill a good line by using it in title. When it is finally read it is dead on arrival.
> 
> ...


I don't understand what you mean. Ellipsis? If I get rid of the first stanza noone will know what I'm talking about.


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## sas (Jan 20, 2017)

Ellipsis: The dots which mean to continue reading. (. . .)

Why not use this for title then: "With soul alone and crushed . . ."

then start with second stanza. 


With soul alone and crushed . . .

I looked up to see
To see him see me
I thought he would give
But he just wanted more
A hurt spirit, a broken mind
My weakness opened the door

.


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## Absolem (Jan 20, 2017)

No, that doesn't make sense. Something has to start it.


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## sas (Jan 20, 2017)

*or*: "With soul alone and heart crushed . . .":   *The title starts it*.  Really.  Being on the "floor' is not important. The operative words, in first stanza, are retained: heart; soul; alone; crushed.


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## Absolem (Jan 23, 2017)

sas said:


> *or*: "With soul alone and heart crushed . . .":   *The title starts it*.  Really.  Being on the "floor' is not important. The operative words, in first stanza, are retained: heart; soul; alone; crushed.


But I was on the floor. Literally.


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## sas (Jan 23, 2017)

Does that fact make the poem better? We all must pick and choose, as to what we include. Most poets cannot do this well. They throw everything in. Nothing is unimportant to them because they SEE it, then write it. I have this problem and know it is very hard to clean up our image. Was the floor hardwood or carpet? 
Where do we stop?


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## Absolem (Jan 24, 2017)

sas said:


> Does that fact make the poem better? We all must pick and choose, as to what we include. Most poets cannot do this well. They throw everything in. Nothing is unimportant to them because they SEE it, then write it. I have this problem and know it is very hard to clean up our image. Was the floor hardwood or carpet?
> Where do we stop?



It was hardwood haha. Yeah I don't know man, still seems off to me losing the first stanza.


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## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

Absolem,   It is just a suggestion. Few utilize or know of that format. I often find it useful. If you don't use it here, remember it. sas


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## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

Personally, if it were my poem, I'd lose the soul, heart, and alone.  Too common. I'd use as title:

Crushed on the floor . . .


Your thoughts on that?  sas
.


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## Absolem (Jan 24, 2017)

sas said:


> Personally, if it were my poem, I'd lose the soul, heart, and alone.  Too common. I'd use as title:
> 
> Crushed on the floor . . .
> 
> ...


So lose first stanza. It doesn't not make sense to just start out with ' I looked up to see, see him see me'? It seems like there needs to be something before it


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## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

Not to me.  Hope others jump in...I could be way off base. Of course, I never really think so.  Smiles (We say this all the time, but it IS your poem. Workshops are JUST for expanding one's view of a poem. Sometimes we learn we prefer our own, but hopefully only after we have held it up to another's light. Truthfully, it takes a lot for me to change one of mine, because I have scrutinized every word...including "the"... before I post. I often think others just post exactly as it came out the first time. That happens rarely with me.)


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## Firemajic (Jan 24, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Alone by myself
> Alone by myself... IS there any OTHER way to be ALONE? Of course you are by yourself if you are alone...
> My heart and soul *laid* bare
> stripped
> ...


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## Firemajic (Jan 24, 2017)

And, I still do not know what the "lie in the sky" means....


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