# Comments on a logline?



## Mklangelo (May 6, 2008)

The friend of a murdered cop is out to avenge his death after a miscarriage of justice sets the killer free.


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## Linton Robinson (May 6, 2008)

The style needs to be simplified and smoothed out.  

When a cop-killer walks free on a technicality, the slain cop's friend comes after revenge.

BUT, that's not enough.  For one thing, it describes about 5,784 other films.   You need something to set it apart, give an idea of what the story is, what happens.   This is like the first five minutes of the flick.

Obviously we don't know what "else" is, but you need to do something more.  ...only to find that the the killer might have actually been the victim.

...but his route to vengance leads staight to the office of the woman he loves.

...but end up taking on a viscious cadre of corrupt cops who don't want the truth to be known.

...something.


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## Mklangelo (May 6, 2008)

lin said:


> The style needs to be simplified and smoothed out.
> 
> When a cop-killer walks free on a technicality, the slain cop's friend comes after revenge.
> 
> ...


 
Well, it is unique in one sense, the hero is a woman. And I do have a sub-plot. She has an inner need, that she is unaware of at this point. She is kind of a man hater of sorts. Not a militant lesbian or anything but her dad abandoned her early in life so now she pushes men away. Failed relationships. This fight nearly to the death teaches her that life is short and she better start realizing the importance of family. Which of course, she does, but I'm not sure that belongs in a logline. This cop that gets killed is really the only successful male relationship for her. They were good friends. Her father is trying to rekindle their relationship after many years and she is ignoring his efforts.


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## Wallmaker (May 7, 2008)

A man-hating female cop hunts down the man who killed her partner.

This is still more generic than I would like it.  To me, I'd add a location: if it's a small beach town on the east coast or New York City, it'll be two different stories.  But with this line, I have an idea of  the conflict yet to come... it comes from her and her prejudice.


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## Linton Robinson (May 7, 2008)

When her attempts to avenge the murder of her partner lead a feminist cop to a struggle to the death, she gets a new perspective on the value of life.

Place names and personal names don't help much unless they are spectacular.  What's important is conveying something of the story, not just the setup.


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## Mklangelo (May 7, 2008)

Wallmaker said:


> A man-hating female cop hunts down the man who killed her partner.
> 
> This is still more generic than I would like it. To me, I'd add a location: if it's a small beach town on the east coast or New York City, it'll be two different stories. But with this line, I have an idea of the conflict yet to come... it comes from her and her prejudice.


 

Well, the whole setup happens in North Philadelphia.  Then once that's all done, it's a couple of years later when the fun starts.


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## Mklangelo (May 7, 2008)

lin said:


> When her attempts to avenge the murder of her partner lead a feminist cop to a struggle to the death, she gets a new perspective on the value of life.
> 
> Place names and personal names don't help much unless they are spectacular. What's important is conveying something of the story, not just the setup.


 

I kind of like that.  I know now it's got it's unique twist.  Hell, just having a woman as the hero makes it unlike 90% of what's out there.


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## Wallmaker (May 7, 2008)

I'm just saying, if it's an interesting location... do mention it.  A pregnant lady cop hunts down killers in the harsh winter of North Dakota...that IS interesting.


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## Mklangelo (May 7, 2008)

Wallmaker said:


> I'm just saying, if it's an interesting location... do mention it.  A pregnant lady cop hunts down killers in the harsh winter of North Dakota...that IS interesting.



Right.  I'm just not sure where this guy ends up yet.  He has moved up from street thug to big-time drug lord though.  Which in reality should have him in Panama with their banking secrecy laws or something like that but I'm not sure.


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## Linton Robinson (May 7, 2008)

VEry true, Wallmaker.   A case like that, the setting becomes much like a plot factor, even like a character.

I don't think the wilds of Philadelphia qualify, though.


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## Inkpot (Jun 7, 2008)

Just wanted to say this is great exchange over a logline. You've received some great direction. Hard to believe Hollywood readers pump at least three of these things out a day.  Condensing 120 pages into one or two sentences is not easy.


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## Mklangelo (Jun 7, 2008)

Inkpot said:


> Just wanted to say this is great exchange over a logline. You've received some great direction. Hard to believe Hollywood readers pump at least three of these things out a day. Condensing 120 pages into one or two sentences is not easy.


 
It really is.   And yes, this is all good advice.


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