# Wish of an Old Man



## Vitaly Ana (Jan 3, 2013)

How beautiful the Southern sun sits, 
Easy on the morning waters. 

Just like you, were easy on these old eyes. 
I wonder why your beauty never knew itself
for it seemed so infectious to others. 
_Was it me?_ I blame myself at least ten times 
every way. I know, you’re not here to answer. 
How I wish you were found.

Perhaps you never knew your light
since you veiled your anguish so close 
to perfectly. So close that only a few could 
catch the half smiles, the stares toward the past;  
the glances in the mirror to make sure 
you looked the part you had to play. 

My beautiful, you never had to perform 
for me. I wish you never felt as though
you had to act for this world. 
How I wish you could be _you,_ always: 

As bright as the Southern Sun; 
As free as the holy tides washing on God’s beaches. 
You’d ease upon blue waters.  
You’d shine harmony a million 
times the speed of sound.
How I wish you were found. 

I'll always leave a space for you at the table. 
I always fix a plate for your mother too. 
These days, I sit these old bones 
down and wonder what have I done?  

If the almighty does live 
in the heavens, let him bring 
us all together in time, for eternity.
I wish you the will to find your old man 
one day - in some splendid life beyond.


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## Ethan (Jan 3, 2013)

what a wonderful homage. I hope someone writes of me like this (not soon though) I was struck by the honesty of this piece and found myself smiling in empathy.  A moving and eloquent eulogy.


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## candid petunia (Jan 6, 2013)

The poem is nice -- simple and innocent, about someone who didn't know what their true worth was.

But I felt it was too wordy; you could perhaps trim a quarter of it and it would still bring out the same emotions in the reader, maybe even have a stronger effect.

Just one nit:


> Perhaps you never knew your light
> since you veiled your anguish so close,
> too perfectly. Were you meaning to say the person hid the anguish well, too perfectly?




Keep posting.


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## Nee (Jan 6, 2013)

Interesting.


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## ktee (Jan 8, 2013)

Really nice. You used some beautiful phrasing. I read it aloud to myself and there was a real feeling of lament. 

I think there is some room for tweaking. I like to give comments line by line, I hope you don't mind  And I should put in my disclaimer that the comments are just from the top of my head as I read it; I do not consider myself a master poet or even close. 


[h=2]Wish of an Old Man[/h]How beautiful the Southern sun sits, I don't think you need this comma. it flows without it
Easy on the morning waters. 

Just like you, were easy on these old eyes. Quick question: did the woman die before the man was old? The poem talks of his wife like she is young but you say 'old eyes' here. Maybe for consistency it should just be 'easy on these eyes'. 
I wonder why your beauty never knew itself nice
for it seemed so infectious to others. 
_Was it me?_ I blame myself at least ten times I don't think you need this. I would suggest "I blamed myself"
every way. I know, you’re not here to answer. This confused me. Is it a run-on from the previous line?
How I wish you were found. I loved this; the idea of being found. 

Perhaps you never knew your light
since I would cut thisyou veiled your anguish so close 
to typo? 'too' instead of 'to'perfectly. I would start this as a new line So close that only a few could 
catch the half smiles, the stares toward the past; nice
the remove this glances in the mirror to make sure I would cut this and use a modified version in the next line. I've put in an example. 
Making sure you looked the part you had to play. Don't need this; it's implied

My beautiful, you never had to perform 
I dont think this should have been in the new line for me. I wish you never felt as though cut
you had to act for this world. 
Cut 'how' and maybe put an extra line break for emphasis? How I wish you could have been _you,_ always: This doesn't seem to work and the 'always' is implied

As bright as the Southern Sun; 
As free as the holy tides washing on God’s beaches. 
You’d ease upon blue waters. lovely
You’d shine harmony a million lovely times two  But I would put 'a million' on the next line for flow
times the speed of sound.
How I wish you were found. I like that you've repeated this line here

I'll always leave a space for you cut at the table. 
I always fix a plate for your mother too. mentioning the mother seems out of place since you haven't mentioned her before and the relationship the man/his wife had with her. I think I would cut this line
These days, I sit these old bones 
'down' should be in the line above. having it here disrupts the flow down and wonder what have I done? Should this be 'what I could have done'?

If the almighty does live You've used a capital 'G' for God previously, fore consistency maybe use 'Almighty'
I think this should in the previous line in the heavens, let him bring 'Him' for consistency? 
Again, I think you've broken the flow with your use of line breaks. us all together in time, for eternity.
I wish you the will to find your old man 'this' instead of 'your'? Sometimes 'old man' is slang for someones dad
Put at the end of the previous line one day - in some splendid life beyond.

​


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