# October 2013 - LM - When The Clock Stops - Scores



## Fin (Nov 2, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
When The Clock Stops


Apologies for the delay folks. Unfortunately one of our judges weren’t able to get the scores in, so there will only be three judges this month. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Leyline, Pluralized and InkwellMachine for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Leyline**Pluralized**InkwellMachine**Average**Staff Deployment*181714.516.5*Dictarium*16161515.6*WechtleinUns*15141615*Smith*15151314.3*Dakota.potts*17191416.6*Midnightpoet*18161416*Sunny*17161716.6*Escorial*15158.512.8*Gavrushka*17171315.6*Candervalle*1517913.6*Folcro*18181818*KyleColorado*18161717*rockoo315*17158.513.5*Spartan928*191914.517.5*J Anfinson - “The Clock Bearer”*181611.515.1*Bazz Cargo  - “I Remember The Smell; Lemon and Blood”*1614.3751113.7

In third place, we have *KyleColorado* with his entry *Stalking The Lion.*
In second, we have *Spartan928* with his entry *Cuckoo.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Folcro* with his entry *Kaylie, From The Stars.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
"A Nice Wide Smile"
SCORE: 18*

This was fun, and well written, though the dialect started to grate on me a bit by the end. The action is well described and explained, though I found the ending a bit more ambiguous than I felt the story warranted. Was his grandfather the beast? I think so, but I'm not sure. Overall, some very good stuff.


*Dictarium
"Faulkner's Clock & Watch Shoppe"
SCORE: 16*

This was odd. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, and the writing was fine -- with some nice turns of phrase and three fairly well drawn characters, quite impressive for a short piece. But the opening section of dialogue only contrasting with the exposition heavy body of the story jarred me a bit. And the entire story seemed to be leading up to something magical rather than a sort of sad revelation that a clockmaker was being evicted. That said, the theme was used well in a dual sense. This is one of those cases where the piece feels more like the opening paragraphs of a longer story.


*WechtleinUns
"Demon's And Witches"
SCORE: 15*

Huh. There's some interesting stuff going on here, and the writing is pretty good on a technical level. But this strikes me as an action scene from a much longer story. It's all introducing people by name only and descriptions of action. I have no clue who these people are, who they're fighting, why they're fighting them or why I should care. If I'd come across this in the body of a story where I'd found out who these people were and why their fight mattered, it would probably have worked a lot better.


*Smith
"A Letter Never Sent"
SCORE: 15*

A lesson I learned many years ago when attempting something similar to this: in most cases, even fictional love letters aren't all that interesting to those outside the relationship. Your writing shows a lot of skill here, quite often: the clock-based similes were well done and often quite powerful. But, in the end, I have no idea who this guy is, other than the fact that he's depressed and miserable, who Christine is at all, or why he's so broken over losing her. This might have benefited greatly by being halved and containing a reply from Christine that turned the story on its head. 


*dakota.potts
"Hypnagogia"
SCORE: 17*

My only real problem here is that much of this reads as summarization, though -- in a sense -- that's a fair enough approach to take to the subject. My younger brother has suffered from sleep paralysis his entire life, and your description here matches it perfectly. What really elevates this is the fantastic, Lovecraftian last two paragraph where the reader is left uncertain that we remain within dream or perhaps dream has invaded reality. I think that if you rewrite the first three paragraphs with the same hallucinatory immediacy of the last two, you'll have something quite special on your hands.


*midnightpoet
"Click, Click, Click"
SCORE: 18*

OK, here's an odd thing about judging: you can't make generalized statements. Once again here's a story that mostly summarized. But, in this case, it actually works for the narrative voice and the mindset of the character. The twist actually worked very well in this case. Well written throughout, a very powerful little story. 


*Sunny
"The Quick Ascent"
SCORE: 17*

Well written, with some nice similes. But this, again, strikes me as a scene from a story rather than a story. In a longer story, the obvious romantic elements would work far better. As it stands, I was mainly annoyed that two beings running for their lives were whimpering apologies and gently stroking thighs with wings. This is an example of beginning well (excellent opening sentence) and ending poorly (it just...stops). There's no sense of closure or completion. Other than a vague possibility at the end, I'm not certain how the prompt was included, either. That said, I think I'd quite enjoy reading a long story or novel about these characters.


*escorial
"1888"
SCORE: 15*

I really enjoyed the beginning of this -- the POV of the mouse was clever and interesting, keeping me intrigued. But the POV shift came out of nowhere, becoming that of an unknown character then another shift to the clockmaker. I'm not really sure what the final revelation had to do with anything else in the story. To be honest, I was far more interested in the mouses story, and think you should expand on that! 


*Gavrushka
"A Moment In Time"
SCORE: 17*

Interesting -- an intriguing central idea and an approach to time travel that was once somewhat popular in SF but has since fallen out of favor (Damon Knight referred to it as 'unstuck in time'). The writing and tone were consistent, but the tone didn't really match the events. The narrator seems much too calm, even when he declares that he's nearly unhinged. Overall, an enjoyable and well done piece.


*Candervalle
"Time's Up"
SCORE: 15*

Fairly well written, with a few minor SPaGnits. But what was it actually about? It really reads as the opening paragraphs of a story rather than a story itself. Where was this guy going and why? Who was this Drake fellow? What had he found?


*Folcro
"Kaylie, From The Stars"
SCORE: 18*

Emotionally engaging and well structured, with some odd phrasing that I'm assuming comes from cutting the story down to the proper length: 'the mind' rather than 'the presence of mind', etc. The idea (communication on separate ends of time dilation) is an old one but handled well here. Very nicely done.


*KyleColorado
"Stalking The Lion"
SCORE: 18*

Extremely well written as usual. But it ends with a load of unanswered questions that, to me, very nearly makes the entire story completely moot: what was the point? No closure at all. I considered marking this lower, but after several reads decided that the quality of the writing made my 8 for effect completely justified, since I did enjoy the piece greatly. 


*rockoo315
"Untitled"
SCORE: 17*

Paragraphing and spacing issues, that I'm almost certain comes from writing in Word or OpenOffice format and then cutting and pasting into the forum. Always save your to-paste work as an .rtf to avoid this in the future. I liked this -- a simple story of an all too real occurrence. The emotion was well handled and not overtly dramatic, and you do a good job of building Mrs. Franks character in a short space. A few lines of dialogue and some of the description come off as cliched, but not so much as to detract overtly. Well done.


*spartan928
"Cuckoo"
SCORE: 19*

Another with formatting problems, almost certainly from pasting from Word format. The forum just does not like Word proprietary format, folks! But, never mind. I loved this one, beautifully done. Detailed, sad, dealing with mental illness and depression without a hint of exploitation, well structured and moving. A story complete, and best use of prompt in the contest. Bravo!


*Anonymous
"The Clock Bearer"
SCORE: 18*

Very nicely done: the only SPaGnit I noticed was 'oblivious of me' rather than 'oblivious to me.' Complete, nice closure, and well written. Moving, without being sentimental. My only suggestion would be to foreshadow the reveal that the narrator is a Reaper. Good work!


*Anonymous
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood"
SCORE: 16*

My problem with this piece can be summed up in a single question: '_Who_ has to die?" This is well written, with a nice undercurrent of dark humor and some interesting observations. But after an intriguing and evocative build up, it simply ends with a bunch of unanswerable questions and a cryptic statement.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
“A Nice Wide Smile”*

This was quite a whimsical piece, and though it came across rather blow-by-blow, I thought it was a unique take on this prompt. The slang kind of wore thin, but I got the gist of what you were going for. Your narrative voice comes through, and several cheeky moments made me grin. You pulled it off nicely. 

If I had to find some stuff to pick on, I’d start with the inconsistency in the slang voice. There’s ‘an’ used for “and” often through the piece, and occasionally side by side. If you’re going for this kind of lilting rube-slang, you have to be very consistent with it or it pokes out.

Story-wise, it’s a little thin, just being this one climactic scene. Don’t really know about the use of this all-caps and large font device you’ve employed. I like it, but that’s mostly because you color the tone of your narrative with trademark wit and whimsy. That, I like. 

I thought “hooked worm” should have been “hookworm.”
At the beginning, there’s a sentence “I was worried I’d just break the ugly thing.” – I thought this should have been “I was just worried….” But that could just be my persnickety brain-thing.

Hard to score the SPaG with such a loose voice, but you have done a pretty careful job constructing this. Enjoyed it. With the twist at the end, you bought back a point. Overall, a crazy, fun time of things with a fantastic use of the prompt.

17 points


*Dictarium 
“Faulkner’s Clock and Watch Shoppe”*

Nice job holding together the plot, and I thought this was kind of a cool take on the prompt. Found parts of this story to be pretty unbelievable, such as the two guys taking a clock in for repair on a regular basis and caring about the clock at all, to be honest. They live in an apartment, so I guess they’re roommates? Call me jaded, but I didn’t connect with the concern over the clock. 

That aside, the old man refusing their money and then being sad about the eviction? I thought the old guy would have to be more desperate, and unlikely to turn down hard currency. But for the sake of the story, I got the tone you were after, and it wasn’t bad at all, in terms of voice. Thought the dialogue at the beginning was a bit forced, and holding off the speech tags does me no favors in trying to understand the context. “That. Did it move?” made no sense to me. So, thematically, emotionally, and in the realm of tension, there was not a great deal of “grip” to this story. I read along wanting to latch on, but kept having to reign in my skimmer. I’d have liked a bit more intrigue. 

“Like clockwork…” Really?

“going back to do whatever…” – Can’t let you get away with this – felt lazy.

Thought the “house of cards” simile was a bit of a stretch to convey fragility. 

“designed by the mind of a grade-schooler” – It’s a frickin’ clock, dude! It’s an amazingly intricate device, whose mechanisms have been the marvel of man’s engineering capabilities since inception. Pretty high-and-mighty to denigrate the design to the level of grade-schoolers. But, I’m no clockist. 


Overall, clean writing, structurally sound, decent movement to the plot arc, and some specialty clock knowledge that either shows intuition or research, all of which are commendable. Nice characterization with the old man.

Thanks for entering. 

16 points


*WechtleinUns
“Demons & Witches”*

I was a little giddy when I started reading this, to be honest. It had that sort of funky tone that I hoped would turn into a witty and subversive read. Did’nt quite take me there, but it was definitely unique and carefully penned.

Some strange imagery in this one. The tsunami of rock people didn’t produce the intended image, nor did the demon grabbing the warhead. Just trying to visualize “Rock-People” leaves me with either a big rock with a smiley face, or a person-shaped entity made from stone. The former rolls down hills nicely but can’t serve much purpose otherwise, and the latter wouldn’t do any tsunami-rolling with all those limbs and appendages jutting out everywhere. J But, let’s not focus on the minutia.

Some decent word choices, an outlandish use of the prompt (which I liked), and just a few clicks off of being something readable and enjoyable. I was left wondering about too many of the obscure words and phrases, and the voice just felt really crazy and unstable. 

Overall, the character list just can’t seem to work together to make a cohesive story-team. That’s your prerogative and all, but there’s just too much.

Left Morris? Cacophonically? 

14 points


*Smith
“A Letter Never Sent”*

A unique second-person narrative, in the form of a letter. It’s pretty well-written, for the most part, and there’s no question you wrote this for the prompt!

Pretty melodramatic overall, but love is irrational and makes you say things. Infatuation does that, too. The voice in this piece is consistent, but there’s something about it that needs to be tweaked. I think you could read this aloud, and get rid of some of the inconsequential short-burst sentences that don’t further the tale. You’d be left with a lot more effect if you didn’t have things like “This is all so fucked up that I can’t bring myself to talk to you.” Doesn’t exactly further the emotional connection nor increase the tension since you spent the first few paragraphs basically alluding to the same thing. 

Not a bad effort, readable, just wished for a little thicker soup. The ending was a bit of a groaner, but I see what you were going for. Thanks for entering.

15 points


*dakota.potts
“Hypnagogia” *

I’m impressed by this story, and found it to be exceptional in just about every way. 

Technically, very near flawless. If I wanted to find some stuff to pick on, the only thing I can really say is that toward the end of it, your narrative voice is fairly stiff. You use “I am” where “I’m” would have added some fluidity. Accordingly, “It must be only minutes…” could be something like “It’s only minutes…” or some such contraction that speeds things along and unties the tongue. I think you also missed a space between pendulum and the start of the next sentence in the third paragraph. pendulum.Back

Horrifying, psychologically stout, and pretty high-level stuff. Thanks for entering. Hit just about every one of my criteria for awesomeness. The pale face staring up from the foot of the bed was something I thought about for days after reading it. Great stuff. I’d be really proud of this had I written it.

19 points


*Midnight Poet
“Click, click, click”*

Right off, great use of the prompt. Very effective ending, and the whole narrative sticks together pretty well. Shows consistency and logic in the voice. 

If I’m looking at this from a story standpoint, it’s not too bad, although I found the narrator to be kind of unapproachable. There’s supposed to be this “Allah” facet to him, but culturally it’s a few clicks off. Hard to imagine someone straddling the fence in this way, living in an obviously western society, yet carrying the baggage of a Muslim extremist, all the way to the point of being portrayed as a suicide bomber, killing his girlfriend, and somehow knowing about Gary Cooper…

Also, not sure about “click” so much as my brain wanted “tick.” I don’t think of clocks as clicking, even in bomb-suits. That’s a minor point, but something I noticed. 

Thought the “new order” references should’ve been capitalized. Some of the sentences need punching up, such as “They convinced me that this was the only way, for the enemy would never listen to the truth.” Kind of vague, and we never get a real sense for the stake-holders here, just the new order and the “infidels.” Needs more subversive characterization.

Not a bad story at all, well-written, somewhat cautious. Found it smooth and pretty complete, overall.

16 points  


*Sunny
“The Quick Ascent” *

Nice dragon story, with some good action and scenery and a twist that works. Felt a tad bit purple in the beginning, and I wasn’t sure about how this really related to the prompt, but it kept me reading. There’s something about putting this dragon-guy in first person that is hard to relate to, although I see why you did it. Perhaps the desire for this female could’ve been a stronger image if he’d started out a man and then morphed into a dragon, only because the description of the dragon’s waist and arms took a minute to adjust to. Had a hard time visualizing those parts of a dragon, but that could be just my lack of dragon-anatomy knowledge. J 

The ending line contains the only real error. Other than that, pretty clean and a smooth read. Thanks for entering. Had I seen more prompt, it’d have another point on it.

16 points


*Escorial
"1888"*

There’s a sort of funky, odd meter to this, which betrays your obvious presence as a poet. Like the perspective of the mouse, and entrenched myself with him. Particularly enjoyed the dark space filled with discarded stuff, as that painted some texture into it. Also liked the strange twist at the end, despite the whole thing shifting gears mid-stream. 

Really eclectic and atmospheric, but I’d have liked you to add in the 68 missing words, cut out some of the errors, like words stuck together and capitalization, mostly, and give us some kind of mouse-related closure. The Jack the Ripper thing kind of came out of nowhere. 

Enjoyed it though, and really glad you entered. Use those 650 words next time, and maybe hold back entering until you’ve swept through it one last time for ‘stuff.’

15 points 


*Gavrushka
"A Moment In Time"*

Really enjoyed this. It’s a good premise, and you have handled it well. When the narrator starts writing on the bronze sign, and gets the response, I thought your time-travel prompt worked. That’s the reason time-travel stories work at all; everyone can relate to the weirdness of time.

So – the time that’s rocketing by, the narrator’s anxiety over all this, it comes through very well. You have written well enough that I’m not stumbling over errors and stuff, which shows some care and editing in the prose. 

I didn’t quite believe that seeing “4417AD” would necessarily trigger a freakout, since it looks like a code at first glance. Furthermore, you refer to “the normal world” without telling us what that is. You mean 2013? Not sure.

Fun stuff, good job. Nice imagery and a good use of the prompt. 

17 points


*Candervalle
"Time’s Up"*

The story is well-written and seems to have been edited with eyes open. Nice job with Cliff’s travels and his attitude toward the taxi driver. I got a sense for his character from the insights given, but didn’t feel like he was a real private investigator. Wanted some kind of goal for his journey here, rather than the enigmatic Drake. 

Still, I enjoyed your fairly smooth and clean writing style and liked the story well enough as an excerpt from what had happened previously (how he got to NYC) and what ended up happening at Drake Manor. This scene being simply his journey there seems a little bit bland and cautious; I’d rather have read what happened at the Manor with maybe a paragraph about his internal struggle about being a PI in the first place. Alas, that’s the word count limitation. 

Well done.
17 points


*Folcro
"Kaylee, From the Stars"*

Very effective story, all the way through. The prompt emanates nicely, and I’m left reeling from the image of this old lady looking up at her “daddy.” Makes for a wistful rumination over the passage of time, which to me is the essence of any good wistfulness.

Good mix of dialogue and narration, though I kept wishing for maybe a little expository pause from the forefront. Made for somewhat of a noticeable lack of modulation or otherwise stasis-building that I felt could have benefitted you. But there is that pesky word count, so I can’t fault you too much for sticking with the content you kept (I’m betting you shaved a healthy chunk off this to get it down under 650 prior to submitting).

Still, great stuff and very evocative. Enjoyed some of the inventive use of sentence structure and the voice is strong. Especially liked the “Every fixed coupling, a semester.” You told this story with patience, and didn’t fumble the pace. Nicely done. 

18 points


*KyleColorado
"Stalking the Lion"*

I really enjoyed how action-packed this story was. There’s something for everyone in this one, good, gripping violent imagery, great similes and use of varied sentence length, and a nice grasp of the language. Enjoyed it, all the way through.

I questioned just a couple of things: I don’t get a strong whiff of the prompt here, dude. Also, the short, quick-burst sentences wore on me just a tad. Also, I don’t like the narrative asking me all those questions at the end. J Aside from that, it’s really potent and strong and has elements of believability that stand out. It’s just a scene, and a cliffhanger at the end, so there’s not a ton of satisfaction. However, you’ve made up for that with word choices and the pacing. This story actually had very nice tension. My blue orbs wanted it to resolve, however. J

A few glitches: 

The Leaning Tower of Piza >>>> Pisa

corderoy and polyster, >>>> corduroy and polyester

homeless Joe’s haggling (as it reads, there’s a dude named “Homeless Joe,” who’s hagglin’, but in that case you’d need to capitalize Homeless. More likely Joes should be plural, and the apostrophe dropped. Sorry I am picking on such a menial detail, but I noticed it.)

Thanks for the great read, I sincerely enjoyed it. 

16 points


*Rockoo315*

I think you’ve done a good job with this overall, seeing the story as a whole. It’s got a really nostalgic feel, somewhat sad. The loss of this woman’s son and your poetic, beautiful treatment of the prayer was well-done. Enjoyed the inward-looking nature of your protagonist.


The odds that this would be read and judged by someone from Wyoming (and a sparsely-populated town) are slim. However, I grew up there, which makes the story vibrate for me a little more than usual.  

The formatting made my head hurt. Anything you can do to increase presentation can only benefit you. Very decent story overall, just needs a bit of editing and a little bit of tweaking in the chronology. 

15 points


*Spartan928
“Cuckoo”*

Found this to be really engaging and well-told. Strong characterization, nice imagery, a fairly well balanced story overall. I enjoyed the grandmother staring out the window, just rocking there with a cigarette. You’ve painted the contemplation in very well and brought me there with her somehow.

The whole thing is dreadfully sad. Effective ending, punchy and powerful. Well done.

I’ve scraped through for SPaG and produced just a few things. Pretty clean overall, but here’s what I uncovered: An unnecessary comma after the first bit of dialogue, a mishandled phrase “Point in fact,” which I thought should have been “In point of fact.” Minor stuff, all that. There might have been a missing comma somewhere toward the end. Also, the dialogue felt about right. The “other times, other places” was really strong.

Nice story!

Here’s a dumb digression: Most everyone pronounces Cuckoo “Coo-Koo,” at least when they’ve said it to me. I have always read the word and said in my head, “Cuck – koo.” My wife corrected me, and just to be difficult I argued with her, and now I always see the word as “Cuck-koo.” How do you pronounce it in your story? J

19 points


*Anonymous 
“The Clock Bearer”*

A solid story; very clean. Sad, effective ending; somehow too sanitary. The whole premise just reeks of melodrama, and it’s too cautious for me. I bet there are a lot of people who’d really like this, though, who might be a bit less cynical than me. J

The setting is in a children’s hospital from the outset, and somehow with the prompt, it was way too much foreshadowing. In other words, the tension never gets a chance to inflate and carry me up above the trees so that I can be dropped on my head and made to feel the impact. It’s just a ride on a bus, taking me straight to the morgue at about twenty-five miles an hour. The last line was poignant enough, but came across just a little bit clumsy due to the doubling up of “bear.” 

That isn’t to say it’s not high-quality writing, because it really is. Very well-constructed and thoughtfully written, for sure. Just too flat on the ol’ EKG. The voice is that of Jim Nabors, whispering to me from the next tent. It needs an injection of subterfuge and intrigue something fierce. 

Bring some flavor into those similes. Pop out your Cher cassette and put on some GWAR. Okay, too much? Maybe at least put on some Clutch or Pantera or something with a double-bass. Rock out with your clock out. Y’know? 

Still, this is a writing competition and your writing is sound. Enjoyed the flow of it, and the cleanliness. Well done. 

16 points


*Anonymous 
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood."*

I like the first paragraph of this story a lot. It’s smart and has a bit of a sassy irony that I enjoyed. The rest of it’s okay, but started unraveling and ended without much resolution or what I’d call “ending.” I felt like it was rambling and disjointed, with kind of a “Mad-Libs” feel to it. 

Errors here and there, mostly apostrophic in nature. Not terrible. The semi-colon in the title will cost you .625 points. Not sure why the women pop out for carbon-tainted air, but the lattes and sandwiches are delicious. 

Curious which Olson it was, Mary Kate or Ashley?

14.375 points
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=InkwellMachine’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
"A Nice Wide Smile"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14.5*

I enjoyed it. 

The narrator has the feel of a rambling man sat down to tell a story, which carries quite nicely through the piece. Main concern here is how much this style of narration hurts the immersion. I understand that people are a lot less purple in their word choice when relating stories in person, and that shows through your use of pointedly simple words--things like "nice" and "good." The problem is that the narrator is so seemingly relaxed while relating the story that I can't help but acknowledge that I am, in fact, being told a story. That awareness has a way of killing immersion.

Good use of onomatopoeia to keep up the pace. This was especially effective given the style of narration you chose.

Careful with redundancy--too much word repetition is like a itch on the reader's back. Distracting. I noticed this in a few lines, particularly in _"__I slide along the *nice* marble floor (ol' grandpappy was a stickler for style) *nicely* into the corner between the counter-tops, little knobs jabbin' my hip."_

Also might want to hold off on over-explication. That has an effect similar to redundancy, only with the added bonus of boring the reader. I'm mostly referring to the parts in parenthesis.


*Dictarium
"Faulkner's Clock & Watch Shoppe"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8.5
Overall: 15*

This is a surprisingly effective piece, especially given the plain nature of the content. Always hard to do, done well here. 

You're good with characters. I say this both because of the nuances you incorporate into dialogue to make each character stand out and because in the brief time I knew mr. Faulkner, I apparently grew close enough to him to feel quite upset with his "swan song," as it were.

The prose bothered me a bit, though. Didn't find anything awry from a technical standpoint, but stylistically speaking there were little things that just... made me itch while I was reading. For example, there's some liberal use of said bookisms (the verb that comes just before dialogue attributions, usually "_said_" _[e.g--Greg promised, confirmed Steve, barked Jill, etc.]_), which is a problem because they're supposed to be invisible. The dialogue itself usually makes clear the effect that the speaker intends for the words to have. Adding modifiers beyond said is just redundant and distracting, and it makes the reader aware that they are reading. I'd also take extra care with punctuation when considering timing. _"__Mr. Faulkner let out a sigh; he was tired" _seems a bit too fast. That semicolon should probably be a period.

Good though. Well executed. Pleasing word choice in a number of places.


*WechtleinUns
"Demons & Witches"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

How fun.

I was a bit terrified at first; another pulpy, overly-articulate sci-fantasy action piece? Please. But as a I read, the too-specific word choice grew on me. The whole situation is terribly ridiculous, like something out of Clive Barker's _Jericho, _but the words you used (which in combination ended up sounding much like something Stephen King might write) help to bring it back to believable and even make it... intricate? Perhaps that's the wrong word, but it feels right so I'll use it here.

All that withstanding, the piece is practically breathing billows of purple prose through which the scene is more often than not obscured. At one point, Garret climbs the munitions tower and _"__slaps two shots of lead into a stone-man's head."_ You never really told us what a stone-man is--for all the reader knows, that's some type of gun and he's loading it with bullets (and that's in part because "slapping" is a weird alternate term for "shooting"). The piece moves a bit too quickly for this sort of vagueness. If you want the reader to keep up, speak in terms they won't have to second-guess.

Decent dialogue, although there's a bit less explication than I'd expect. That may just be the nature of cooperating veterans, though.


*Smith
"A Letter Never Sent"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13*

Narrated with all the gusto of a heart-broken freshman.

I say this because the piece takes me back to my first experiences with "love," which usually ended in much the same way: dramatic ramblings about my dear, bruised feelings. This doesn't mean that the piece was bad, but with implied suicide and lines about _purpose _and _the crushing weight of depression_, it fairly drips that tone. It's up to you how this specific character would have written the letter, but I think the piece may have benefited from some emotional restraint. Even people with shattered hearts feel the pressure of their super ego, leaning in, whispering _nooo, don't say that, you'll look desperate. No one cares. Why are you even writing this? You'll be dead soon anyway. Do you think she's going to come rescue you? Grow up. _

The analogy with the clock _"__tick-tocking"_ life away fed into the tone just fine--the piece is dramatic anyway--but it didn't feel effective. Again, it feels like the narrator is just being immature, grasping at straws. If this was the effect you were going for, then perhaps the score deserve re-evaluation, but I didn't get that impression while I was reading.

Spelling and grammar are decent enough. Only a few nits that were likely just typos--not really worth mentioning.


*Dakota.potts
"Hypnagogia"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

Kind of like a weather-man reading Poe.

Great selection of words for the most part--the imagery was really quite lovely. Poetic in some places, even. However, the structuring of your sentences--the length of things--makes it feel a bit stale. Unmeasured. Like a weather report or some kind of scientific study. The piece could probably benefit from taking the context into consideration. Why is the narrator relating this story? Who is he talking to? what sort of emotions would he express while relating the story?

You seem to have some skill in writing abstract literature. Things that should have seemed queer and difficult to write came across quite clearly. The individual parts of the piece are delightful to read...

But where's the glue? This is just a description of many different things happening in the same context. What is the conflict? What is the narrator doing to surmount the conflict? Resolution isn't a necessary part of the story, but I feel no closer to understanding the piece's direction by the end. The premise seems to be, in essence, that the narrator is trapped and will eventually arrive at some fate due to the apparitions that he sees. Not very clear. Not very compelling.

I would also recommend avoiding passive voice wherever you can. _"__It was several hours in this state of partial lucidity before I felt a peculiar sensation__" _would might be more effective as _"I spent several hours in this state of partial lucidity..."_

Interesting piece though. I hope you continue to experiment with the abstract.


*Midnightpoet
"Click, click, click"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

The first few lines felt as though they were leading into something powerful. Nice implications, mounting into a scene. You have the audience waiting for the application of suggestions. Rising tension. Curiosity. 

And then you shoot it dead. _"Well, I've been forsaken by life itself."_ Blunt and dramatic. Bad combination. Kills any wonder about what situation the reader is getting into starting the piece. Worse, you more or less cut the line free after hooking the reader. All you had to do was continue on reeling us in, but the pay off comes immediately. With the momentum you gave us, it's like running into a brick wall.

Hard words to start the review with, but it was the biggest hitch in the piece if you ask me. Not much hurts more than a bad first impression.

Tone was nice. Relatively fresh. For the most part, you painted an unusual role onto an otherwise normal character, and that feels good. Characters are often saturated in what they're supposed to be. Believe it or not, there are still writers somewhere out there unwittingly describing villains with black capes and curling mustaches. You avoided this nicely.

Some typoes here and there. Nothing bothersome. 


*Sunny
"The Quick Ascent"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

I believed it.

Quite a feat, especially considering the situation. A therianthropic man-dragon carrying a young girl to his cave mid-transition, all the while dodging the arrows of hunters below? Doesn't happen ('least not often), but your choice of perspective and style of narration make it seem as though it could. I think the internalization of the situation is what does it--the way the narrator is concerned utmost with the girl, noting minute interactions despite the intensity of the situation. That's what we do; it's not always about the big picture. 

Kudos for pulling at my pathos with such subtlety.

There are a few bits that pulled me out of the story, though. One that I find particularly troubling comes right at the start. In the first paragraph you use some fairly vague imagery. The nebulous references to belly, claws, _the sun's heat throbbing through the narrator's bones_ did very little to set me into the situation. I'll admit, I thought it was some kind of poetry describing a celestial being, because the sun doesn't shine directly on most things' bones, and the stars usually don't gleam _beneath_ things (excepting stuff in outer space, where "beneath" is pretty ambiguous anyway). I'll also admit that, having been given very little information on the nature of the situation, I thought the first paragraph was describing something sexual. Then the "mountain came into view" and I had to re-evaluate what I thought was going on. 

I understand that you were trying to show the scene to the reader instead of tell them about it, but there's a point where guesswork becomes tedious and forces on the reader the fact that they're _reading a story_.

I was bothered with some word choices as well. _"The backpack doesn't tear when I bite at it with my thrashing jaws"_seemed a bit redundant and over-dramatic. If he's biting at the backpack, his jaws'll likely be working in some kind of thrashing motion--the imagination adds that descriptor automatically. Compare it to the sentence _"the fly doesn't go away when I swat at it with my flailing hand" _and you begin to see the problem. This happened in a few places, but this critique is running on a bit--I'll let you find the places.

Interesting, effective, and executed without feeling too much like some kind of fur-affinity fantasy that someone might write and post on DeviantArt. I liked it. If it were longer I'd have continued reading.


*Escorial
"1888....."
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 8.5*

There's a bit of research that needs doing.

A lot of the prose (devices and phrasing) that you used throughout the piece was... _difficult_ to put it lightly. This is a trend that I've noticed in much (if not all) the other work you've posted on the forums. This doesn't mean you're a bad writer--I'm sure your ideas are well thought out and worth the explication you're trying to give them--but your work is suffering from a lack of knowledge on how to weave good prose.

There are a lot of remedies for this, including college classes (which could simulntaneously earn you credit toward a degree), free online English courses, and billions and billions (this figure is an estimate) of articles that carry much or all of the information you'll be looking for. 

The best thing you could do, though? *Read. *Read books with reputations for good writing and pay attention to the way the author does so. Note the words they use, the order in which they use them, devices like alliteration and cadence, etc., etc.. I cannot stress enough how important this is to understanding how to convert your ideas to literature.

The second best thing you could do? *Compare. *People might tell you not to compare your work to professionals' because "not everyone is the same" or whatever, but if you want to figure out what needs improving in your own writing, it needs to be done.

As for the story itself, it has an interesting theme (which I suppose is something along the lines of _"you never know whose skeletons are festering in your closet, waiting to be discovered_). It's not very compelling, though. Doesn't pull me in. It's mostly descriptors with a few events tacked on at the end. 

You could improve things by making it clear _why_ you're describing all the thing your describing, or better yet, only describing the things that are relevant.

Sorry if this was a tad brutal. Keep writing, though. It only gets better.



*Gavrushka
"A Moment in Time."
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13*

This scenario reminds me of some of the articles written by the SCP Foundation. Interesting. _Anomalous. 

_The writing was not ineffective, but it didn't do much to draw me in. I was fascinated, but not invested. This may be due to the way that the prose was overly explicit in many places. Don't misunderstand; I do not mean that it was descriptive in the way that H.P. Lovecraft was descriptive. Rather, the narration style felt quite casual much of time, with opinionated descriptors like _"crazy" _used in several places.

Given the apparent gravity of the situation, the the "casualness" I've described doesn't seem appropriate. It allows me to more easily accept the situation, which is a bad thing because I should be experiencing some kind of empathy. 

Still, intriguing. If you re-wrote it with a more urgent tone, that might make the piece more effective (which is relevant because effectiveness--followed by tone--was the area where you lost the most points on this piece).



*Candervalle
"Time's Up"
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4.5
Overall: 9*

Feels like a fun first-time romp through literary noir. 

The broad third-person narrative style you use gives you a lot of freedom to point things out and explain them, which--in the right hands--can be quite effective. The piece seems to waver a bit between limited and omniscience though. You explain things to us that Cliff should perhaps _not_ be aware of, and then narrate his thoughts at well. I recommend choosing either limited third person or omniscient and sticking with your choice through the piece. It may take some getting used to.

It was fun--cute even. Has that _hardened detective who just doesn't care anymore _feel. However, I feel most of the potential charm is lost in technicalities. The syntax was fine, but between dialogue formatting and a painful lack of transitions (in the first paragraph you mention Cliff's situation, clothing style, financial status, information on his client, details on local weather patterns, and physical health. That's a lot of information to cram into one paragraph. Especially the introductory paragraph).

The dialogue formatting is where you lost the most points. The structure of your piece feeds into almost every other attribute, and penning internal dialogue into descriptive paragraphs as well as fitting two different characters' lines into a different paragraph hurts your tone. It feels like everyone is standing on the same tiny stage. With dialogue, it's important to make sure the reader is paying attention to the character that's speaking; that's why we format it the way we do. For more on formatting dialogue, click here.

I think you've got potential as a writer, but only if you take the necessary time to learn the basics (like structuring your work).

Keep it up. 



*Folcro
"Kaylie, From The Stars"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

It hurt my heart. Beautiful.

There's not a lot of science fiction (to my knowledge) that does a good job playing at the readers' pathos. The genre is typically so saturated in technological magic and cosmic anomalies that we don't have time for the main character to "_worry that I might hurt her." _I felt all of it, and the circumstances that the genre allows were so interesting that I didn't feel at all burdened with how boring descriptions of emotions tend to be--not that yours were boring.

The pacing was excellent, racing alongside the passing decades to illustrate the scale of things. Brilliant. Added worlds of meaning to the piece. Voice was good too, although we didn't get much character development on the main character's end. We got enough to understand the important points on the story, though--the pain he was enduring.

So, what kept you two points from a perfect score? Exposition. I feel it would've been wrong to ramble with this piece, because timing is everything, but it could stand some expanding. Lengthen the amount of time he spends away from the computer, perhaps. The passage of time will feel more poignant. Draw out his work. It will make the reader anxious, which is something I feel this piece needs. Hopelessness abounds, but anxiety. That's what I want to when I read this.

Consider fleshing it out to 4,000 words (if possible) and then submitting it to the Writers of The Future contest. I think it stands a chance.

Fabulous piece. Excellent concept. 

Well done.



*KyleColorado
"Stalking The Lion"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

Reads like a bare moment in time expanded to 650 words.

Considering that this teeters on the cusp of action/thriller, your pacing was astonishingly effective. Usually I'd prefer more terse narration to carry the reader swiftly from point to point, but the relevance of (nearly) every word makes this so much more compelling.

This is probably the most difficult piece for me to judge, because while the prose is strong and the main character has a very prominent voice in his narration, it didn't... _do_ much to me. I didn't feel very much throughout the piece (although there _were_ a few points that bordered on sentimental). I think you could improve the piece by spending less time on all the things that side-track the reader. This fellow's premonition, the situation with the police, observing the crowd--it's all _good_ and relevant, but we want to feel the main character's desperation--feel his single-mindedness in preventing the imminent disaster.

There were some words I might have used in place of others, and there was perhaps a bit too much variance in word choice.

Quite good though, overall. 


*Rockoo315
"[Untitled]"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 3.5
Overall: 8.5*

Pleasant. Ordinary.

There's nothing wrong with writing a piece that's "ordinary," because a good writer can turn almost any situation into something masterful and compelling. What I mean by "ordinary" here is that the "voice"--that of the narrator--does very little to make the piece compelling or _different_. It reads like any other piece based on the same story might read.

I'm also not trying to say that you need to be different or wholly unique to write something good, but something as plausible and commonplace as this needs more... _substance_. Pull at my pathos. Don't just tell me that the characters feel bad, _make me feel bad too_.

Minor formatting and syntax errors. 

The last few lines were probably the most powerful.

Sorry if the scoring seems a bit harsh. It just takes practice, that's all. 

Keep at it.



*Spartan928
"Cuckoo"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: 14.5*

Poignant, although uncomfortably sudden.

You've done in this piece what I do in most of mine: rushed the ending. I don't mean that you condensed it or wrote it sloppily, I mean that it comes too quick. Not enough leads up to that scenario. Yes, she is very depressed, and yes, you did mention that she's suicidal, but we spend so much time focusing on the narrator and the clock (aside), that it's rather jarring for the grandmother to have such in important role after such a small amount of interaction.

If you'd like to improve the piece, I would work on the grandmother's voice a bit during her conversation. Hint a bit more at what's to come. We need some _foreboding_ up in here to make the ending seem reasonable and--more importantly--satisfying.

Nice take on the prompt. I enjoyed reading it. 

You write decent prose, just work on that timing (build-up).


*Anonymous
"The Clockbearer"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 2.5
Effect: 4.5
Overall: 11.5*

Confusing, but only in the way that a colorfully-wrapped present is. 

You make good use of ambiguity throughout the story, capitalizing on the fact that the reader has no clue what's _really _going on until the end. This excused the thoroughly outward-looking narrative, which was powerful on its own. Still, given your approach, I think you could have done a lot more with internal dialogue; illustrate how this all effects the main character, for instance.

Spelling and grammar were just fine for the most part. You seem to have some talent with weaving comfortable and un-purpled prose--this puts you on my good side, as I'm not much for gaudy art-house slang. 

Probably the most difficult part of the entire read for me was the ending. By all means, it should have had me grinning, delighted by the way things unfolded. Instead, I was distracted by the incredible redundance of the sentence _"I am the clock bearer, and that's something no one should have to bear."_ Seems like it should only be a little issue, but this _killed_ a lot of the piece's effect. This is the big moment. The epiphany. It's got to be presented well. 

The voice was alright. I'll defer to what I said about internal dialogue here. 

Fun read though, and clever. Keep up the good work.


*Anonymous
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood."
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 11*

Speculative and introspective like a conversation between two posh rich people in an art gallery.

You're a great technical writer. All the grammatical stitches are sewn up nice and tight, the structure strong like a second seam. However, the fabric you use when you write--your word choice--is just so incredibly purple that I can't seem to see the clothes for their color. More than once I had to stop and evaluate sentences, just to make sure I was understanding what they meant. This is a bad thing. It pulls the reader out of the story--makes them aware that they're reading words on a screen (or page, depending on the medium).

I recommend using plain prose where it will suffice. Save the purple for embroideries and detailing--it's more effective that way, and it's far less strenuous on the eyes than a full velvet wardrobe.

In any case, this reads like a mid-day reverie about the meaning of life, and that was enjoyable. There was plenty of exploring to do, plenty of ground left to wander in the narrator's sad little life. 

And then the ending. That broke things a bit for me. There was practically nothing leading up to it. We're wondering with the narrator on the nature of things, and then all of sudden someone has to die? What? Why? Where in the world did that come from?

Pleasant read, but I feel it needs a bit more explication, which you could probably achieve through speaking in plainer terms about the nature of the situation (e.g., simplify a lot of that purple prose).

Keep it up. I look forward to seeing more of your work. I get the feeling you could do some good lovecraftian horror, but then again that may not really be up your alley. We'll see.


[/spoiler2]


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## J Anfinson (Nov 2, 2013)

Great critique, judges! I wrote "The Clock Bearer" in about an hour, and it shows. I was so distracted by another thing I'm working on that I just wanted to write something for this prompt and get back to the other project. Frankly I'm surprised it scored as well as it did. I re-read it a couple days after submitting and kicked myself. It could have been so much better if I'd taken it more seriously, but I didn't spend nearly enough time editing. 

Congrats to Folcro, Spartan928, and KyleColorado! The rest of you, get to work on "The Space in Between". I look forward to picking apart your entries


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## Folcro (Nov 2, 2013)

Writing "Kaylie, From the Stars" for this contest was like building an airplane in a shoebox; so much more that needs to be said and shown to make this story complete. I am elated that I still managed to pull the win. My initial confidence had been dampened by my competition, and it humbles me to have been selected before them. A wonderful practice in efficient writing.

Pray me wisdom as I put the gavel to this month's talent!


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## WechtleinUns (Nov 2, 2013)

I love the critiques, guys. Much of what you said about my story rang true, as well. In particular, the purple prose quality of my writing, and the lack of exposition. In fact, I'm beginning to see a pattern with these LM's. My stories usually read as part of a longer piece, and the word choice is a bit too... well, purple.

This piece that I submitted was, originally, about 1000 words long. I'll admit I had to do some drastic pruning to get it under the word limit, but the criticisms still stand. And so, I'll be thinking extra hard for the next one!  Thanks you guys. Thanks so much for judging. (^.^)


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## escorial (Nov 2, 2013)

well done Folcro


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## Gavrushka (Nov 2, 2013)

Congratulations to Folcro, and it was a well-deserved victory. 

Huge thank you to the judges. The comments are extremely helpful!


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## Dictarium (Nov 2, 2013)

Well, poop. Looking back I can see the disjointedness of the beginning and end of the story and, while that was kind of the point of it, I understand why it was received the way it was. Way to go though, Folcro. I called it. That story is probably the best piece of flash-fiction I've read in any LM I've participated in.


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## Folcro (Nov 2, 2013)

I really appreciate that, Dictarium, especially seeing as you have received this honor in the past yourself, and all of you for you kind words. I was very proud of this piece. But the work has only begun: this story will receive the additional (massive) effort it deserves to deliver it to its true potential. Rest assured, world: you have not seen the last of Kaylie.


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## Smith (Nov 2, 2013)

I was rather surprised at how well mine scored. In actuality I was really expecting a much lower score, but perhaps that was just my own negativity and self-doubt. It was based off of something in my real life, so I suppose the "freshmen" feel to the story as one of the judges mentioned would make sense. 

A week later after I read it I literally asked myself, "Why did I write this?" xD Lol, thanks judges and congratulations to everybody else! Going to try again this month.


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## Sunny (Nov 2, 2013)

Smith, I wasn't judging or anything, but I wanted to say that I loved your story. I thought it was great. I felt a lot of emotions and I remembered it long after I read it. I thought it was powerful and honest. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that.  

Judges, thanks for your critiques. Really, thanks for taking the time to say so much. It's appreciated. 

I thought the theme of the LM was clear in my story. _"The sun warms my empty back, the clock ticking with each heated ray." _The "sun" was the clock. The clock stopped at the end.


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## midnightpoet (Nov 2, 2013)

I was also surprised how well mine scored, as it took less than an hour; also, I didn't take the time to critique it much.  Congrats to the winners, I thought they all did a great job.  I have some ideas for November, hopefully I'll do better.


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## spartan928 (Nov 3, 2013)

Thanks judges for your time and the thoughtful critique. It was a fun LM prompt and I enjoyed writing it. I have a bad habit of writing the pieces the day they are due, so I lose the benefit of letting the stories simmer a day or two to have some much needed polishing. Appreciate all the positive remarks and the insight into how I could have improved.

Plural  - I did research the word Cuckoo and make sure I had the proper use in the story. From what I sorted out it's "Cuckoo" as the noun and verb. I'm no cuckoo expert but it was fun playing around with it!


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## Pluralized (Nov 3, 2013)

Nicely done, Folcro! Congratulations on winning - was this your first attempt at the LM? Either way, well done. Congrats to Spartan and Kyle as well - all very well-written entries. Onward to The Space In Between! (My nit-picker wants this to read "The Space Between)...


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## Folcro (Nov 3, 2013)

It actually was, Plur, though to be honest, I had the idea for the story in my head for a while beforehand. I was seeking motivation to actually sit down and write it, and practically took it as a message from God that the prompt just happened to be "When the Clock Stops." 

Thank you and to Leyline and Inkwell again for judging, and to Fin for keeping this all together!


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## bazz cargo (Dec 27, 2013)

*L*_*eyline*_


_*Anonymous
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood"
SCORE: 16*__

My problem with this piece can be summed up in a single question: 'Who has to die?" This is well written, with a nice undercurrent of dark humor and some interesting observations. But after an intriguing and evocative build up, it simply ends with a bunch of unanswerable questions and a cryptic statement._


Thank you for the nice words, and for the sharp observation. This was a flawed attempt at filling out a character's dimension-ality. Something I really have to work at.  


_Pluralized_
_*Anonymous 
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood."*

I like the first paragraph of this story a lot. It’s smart and has a bit of a sassy irony that I enjoyed. The rest of it’s okay, but started unraveling and ended without much resolution or what I’d call “ending.” I felt like it was rambling and disjointed, with kind of a “Mad-Libs” feel to it. 

Errors here and there, mostly apostrophic in nature. Not terrible. The semi-colon in the title will cost you .625 points. Not sure why the women pop out for carbon-tainted air, but the lattes and sandwiches are delicious. 

Curious which Olson it was, Mary Kate or Ashley?_



The first line held me hostage. After that I was swinging in the wind. The purpose was to flesh out my cartoon like characters, and I should have had a story to hang them on. Olson was plucked from the air.





_Inkwelllmachine
14.375 points_
_*Anonymous
"I can remember the smell; lemon and blood."
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 11*__

Speculative and introspective like a conversation between two posh rich people in an art gallery.

You're a great technical writer. All the grammatical stitches are sewn up nice and tight, the structure strong like a second seam. However, the fabric you use when you write--your word choice--is just so incredibly purple that I can't seem to see the clothes for their color. More than once I had to stop and evaluate sentences, just to make sure I was understanding what they meant. This is a bad thing. It pulls the reader out of the story--makes them aware that they're reading words on a screen (or page, depending on the medium).

I recommend using plain prose where it will suffice. Save the purple for embroideries and detailing--it's more effective that way, and it's far less strenuous on the eyes than a full velvet wardrobe.

In any case, this reads like a mid-day reverie about the meaning of life, and that was enjoyable. There was plenty of exploring to do, plenty of ground left to wander in the narrator's sad little life. 

And then the ending. That broke things a bit for me. There was practically nothing leading up to it. We're wondering with the narrator on the nature of things, and then all of sudden someone has to die? What? Why? Where in the world did that come from?

Pleasant read, but I feel it needs a bit more explication, which you could probably achieve through speaking in plainer terms about the nature of the situation (e.g., simplify a lot of that purple prose).

Keep it up. I look forward to seeing more of your work. I get the feeling you could do some good lovecraftian horror, but then again that may not really be up your alley. We'll see._


Epic crit, thank you. The links  and your points are  helpful. I don't see this going anywhere but then I sometimes mine my old stuff. Waste not want not. I think I will have a go at some horror just to see if I can.  


 Well deserved congratulations to the top trio. 



Some brilliant judging. E-coffees on me.


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