# Kin



## Sonata (Apr 15, 2015)

Where are they all now
scattered round the globe
somewhere

Does anybody know 
and do they really
care

They know where 
all the others are
siblings
cousins
near or far

All except one who
does not know why
and sits there alone
with only a sigh

Asking over and over
what is the reason
they hide where they are
but she isn't a demon

She's their flesh and blood
all kin
deep within


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## aj47 (Apr 15, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Where are they all now
> scattered round the globe
> somewhere
> Leave out *all*.
> ...



This reads more like a draft than a finished piece ready for posting.  Try some of my suggestions and then revise and post the revision.  You'll be happier with it.


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## Sonata (Apr 15, 2015)

Where are they now?
scattered round the globe
somewhere

They know, she does not
but they do not care

Each of them knows where 
the others are
siblings
cousins
near or far

All except one who
does not know why
and sits alone

Asking over and over
what is the reason
they hide from her
where are they?

She is their flesh and blood
kindred


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## aj47 (Apr 15, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Where are they now?
> scattered round the globe
> somewhere
> 
> ...



Better, but still sometimes too wordy.  

Do you cook?  Poetry is kind of like making a sauce.  It's not just about the ingredients but the consistency and the concentration of flavor.  When you repeat yourself, it's like thinning the sauce too much.  When you have rhymes in some places but not others, it's like lumps. When you have extra words, it can be like adding the wrong herb or it can be like adding bulk without flavor.

I hope this helps.


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## Sonata (Apr 16, 2015)

_​Thank you - is this better?_

Where are they now?
scattered round the globe
somewhere

Each of them knows 
where the others are
siblings
cousins
near or far

All except one who
who sits alone

Asking over and over
what is the reason
they hide from her

She is their flesh and blood
kindred - where are they?


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## Firemajic (Apr 16, 2015)

Sonata... Very nice work! annie gave you a fabulous critique. She handed you valuable tools, and you used them brilliantly...I hope you understand that the editing of your poem only intensified your message, and I feel the pain of your loneliness... Thank you for sharing...Peace always.... jul


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## aj47 (Apr 16, 2015)

There's a typo--you have the word "who" twice in a row.

Otherwise, this is much better. 

Fix that one issue and you could submit this to a call for "family" poetry.  Maybe check out the Outside Invitations and Calls for Submissions board and see if anyone is looking right now.


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## Sonata (Apr 16, 2015)

Apologies - I did not notice the duplication.


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## QDOS (Apr 17, 2015)

Sonata I applaud you for working through annie’s advice and for her sensitivity in not in any way depleting the message of your words. 
_
Can you be a helpful critic? _
_Not offend, but be analytic, _
_For in reviewing others art,_
_Just where does one start. 

_QDOS


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## inkwellness (Apr 17, 2015)

I agree with QDOS. It was nice to see you two working together on this piece. The improvements made a difference. It is now more refined and the "sauce" is more consistent. Good work you two.


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## escorial (Apr 18, 2015)

enjoyed the piece and the whole thread


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