# LM June Scores - "We Found Him In The Park" (1 Viewer)



## bdcharles (Jul 7, 2019)

OK, here they are. Sadly, technical issues meant one set of scores was lost to the electronic forever but we at LM Towers, we make do. So here's what we made and did:

[spoiler2=epimetheus]
Author: SueC
Story: The Last Slide Ride 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12/20

Review:

If there were a prize for fast entries this would certainly get it: I  envy your ability to turn in an accomplished story so quickly.

A few sentences that made me re-read them before understanding them: 

_Joseph had long-believed that his time of life was merely a passage to the next._

_"Why did he want to go there…” -_ A line break before this, or something to indicate a change in scene/POV was coming, would have helped me here.

Some vivid parts for me were:

_Come and play! Let's go, Joe! _

_He was not there._

If I had lost a patient I would have been soiling myself. 

Throughout the entire story I was trying to work out what illness Joseph  had: death imminent but the hospice nurse willing to leave him out of  site. Just out of interest what illness did you imagine he had? 



Author: Megan Pearson
Story: Clark
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7.5/10
Overall: 16.5/20

Review:

No grammar issues that took me out of the story.  Tone appropriate to the setting.

_poem out of Dr. Seuss._

I don’t know the poem so missed out on this nugget – just the risk you take when mentioning cultural references I guess.

When you flagged something tragic would happen, I feared for the dog. I  like having my expectations subverted. Overall a bitter-sweet story with  equal mixes of cuteness and tragedy. 


Author: Tim
Story: The Rat
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 9.5/20

Review:

Isn’t a vagabond grubby by definition? 
_…and even shelter, when it rained._
_…a set of car keys, he had found in the car-park…_
These commas tripped me over.
Sargent or sergeant?

Tone was fine – maybe could have been grubbier with a few sparkles to match the protagonist.

This story left me confused. Was Bernie really a vagabond or just  posing? Surely if he was homeless he’d soon steal enough to move  somewhere nicer. Was Mr Hutchinson his chauffeur? On first read I  thought it was his buyer.  Most important: where can I get such a rat?



Author:  Alpine
Story: The Creator
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Effect: 7.5/10
Overall: 16/20

Review:

I’m not sure of the technical rules of dialogue between different  characters without breaks, but it was so easy to follow, so intuitive to  know who was speaking and when, that I don’t care. Very clear.

_…which had a glass divider with a sliding window to separate officers from criminals._

Not sure this was needed – it’s common enough knowledge surely:  even if not, it becomes apparent when he taps it.

Tone was fine without being great. Wish I could give you more precise  pointers as to why I felt so: it was efficient, but didn’t add to the  feel of the story (certainly didn’t detract though). This is where I  think the story has the most room for improvement. 

This is my kind of story; would be interested to see how you explore the  implications of determinism, and the legal ramifications, which you  sowed in this short.


Author:  Fatclub
Story: A Good Shag in the Park
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20

Review: 

No glaring grammar mistakes but a few sentences that made me read them again. e.g.
_Then, as mid-afternoon became late afternoon and then early evening,  Charlie just sat in the car, his sad expression visible to nobody._

Alsatian spelt incorrectly (surprised spell check didn’t pick it up).

_…(his SatNav app was on his phone, forty miles north)…_
Didn’t seem needed – could have saved a few words.

_Erm, anyway…_
Took me out of the story.

Maybe would have worked better if the reveal that he was going to see a  bird was delayed: let us think he was a pervert for while? Not sure. As  it was it was OK, but I was waiting for a moon landing moment which  never came.



Author: velo
Story: The Riftstone Extinction
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5.5/10
Overall: 14.5/20

Review:

_He's wounded, I'm not going to waste this opportunity. _
Is that a comma splice? If so, it’s the only grammar issue I could see. Easy to follow.

Tone was appropriate: grated a little when switching from first to third person, but I guess it was supposed to.


Maybe could have benefitted if the end was foreshadowed somehow –  alluding to the narrator’s addiction, or expanding on his inability to  connect with other people. When you cut perspective, I was expecting him  to be jacked into some AR experience, hence making the mention of faces  glued to electronic devices more pertinent.




Author:  bdcharles
Story: King Hippie
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12.5/20

Review: 

Had to read this story several times to make sense of it, and some of  that was down to some very long and/or ambiguous sentences. I’m not sure  anything was actually grammatically incorrect, but the structure made  me work hard to understand the story.

Very distinct tone, which made up for my difficulty in parsing meaning.  It’s like that with music sometimes; I don’t understand the lyrics but I  don’t need to as the music carries the emotion. This had a musical  quality to it in that sense.

Still not sure I understand the story, hence a middle of the road effect  score, but it makes me want to try. This was the most difficult story  to score – could change 2 points either way from day to day.



Author:  undead_av
Story: The Orphans
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8.5/10
Overall: 18.5/20

Review: 

No grammar issues that tripped me up. I like the names, but ‘Pocket’  made me trip over once (thought Gummy had it’s paw in Pocket’s pocket).  The tone and dialogue were great – took me into a vivid world with real  people very quickly.

We never find out what Gummy is, but it doesn’t matter, they see enough  in it to empathise with and that’s all that matters. Excellent.


Author:  BornForBurning
Story: Ravendark
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20

Review: 

A few grammatical errors that I’m sure will become apparent when you reread it yourself. 

The tone was macabre, but blood, maggots and sinew are a bit cliché to  the point of becoming boring (maybe I’m just too desensitized to body  horror). It was the weirdness that provided me with the creepy tone. The  horn at the end of the story was odd. On its own paragraph; it must be  important, but there are no clues that I picked up on. Maybe it’s a  cultural reference? Like if ragnarok were said to be heralded with a  horn.




Author:  ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
Story: Star Fish
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12/20

Review:

No, mama, I want a fish. I want to catch a fish. He had sat there…

Switching perspective here jarred me a bit. Would have helped to have  first person thoughts in italics, or something to mark perspective  shifts. I found the beginning a little confusing on first read, but I  assume that was deliberate to be indicative of his concussion.

I could see that Halloway wanted to catch a fish, but I didn’t really  care. Perhaps by delving more into his emotional reasons I would have  cared more. Certainly has potential: a spaceman who has seen and done it  all, but simply catching a fish is still a significant event. As it is,  feels more like just a silly thing he did when concussed.



Author: -xXx-
Story: -gee-
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 3/10
Overall: 9/20

Review: 

Difficult to assess grammar as your style flouts the rules in favour of  creating tone. It succeeds on that score, but loses comprehension as a  consequence. I scored grammar low not for any technical mistakes  (although no apostrophe needed on gonna) but because I had little idea  what was happening.


Although underbrush and frisbees are mentioned at the beginning, it  quickly becomes very abstract, leaving me with no visualisations. More  sensory prompts may have helped me keep up. 

The originality is refreshing: keep trying to find that balance between a staccato style and keeping your readers with you. 


Author:  dahand
Story: Racing Wheelchairs
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Effect: 5.5/10
Overall: 14/20

Review: 

Didn’t notice any grammar issues. General tone was alright, but great  dialogue from Strongarm lifted it. A felt a tiny bit embarrassed for the  narrator, but feel with a stronger sense of character this could be  enhanced. Perhaps omitting the first paragraph to have words to focus a  little more on an awkward hospital scene with Strongarm and the  girlfriend.

Just a little thing: add spaces to your text. When first a saw the wall  of text, my shoulders slumped a little. Makes no difference to the  content, of course, but made a difference to my frame of mind starting  the story.



Author:  Ma’am
Story: Scapegoat
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 5.5/10
Overall: 14.5/20

Review: Mostly easy to follow. A few more commas might have helped break up some sentences though. E.g.

_I named the goat Bo Junior in protest but Bo got tears in his eyes  and said, “Thank you, Janelle. Thank you,” like it was some big honor or  something_

Feels like it needs a comma somewhere, maybe after protest.

Nice tone and good dialogue spiced up what was, for me, a bit of a flat  story: there was nothing to root for and no reason to emotionally  invest. The oddity was interesting though. 


Author:  Bard_Daniel
Story: We Found Him in the Park
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5.5/10
Overall: 14/20

Review:

Didn’t notice any major grammar issues, but was sometimes confused who was being spoken about.

_James was intuitive—he had studied psychology along with Jacob, but  he had always been more technical and logical than James had ever been._

The first he refers to James and the second to Jacob – on first read I  though they both referred to James, leaving me confused as to how James  was intuitive, technical and logical.

Tone got across the anger, but didn’t really put me in the body of the narrator. 

The resolution to the anger was a little abrupt, making for an  anti-climax. It’s a tough subject to broach, especially with so few  words, so not sure how to remedy that. Perhaps foreshadowing the impact  of her calming words somehow. Maybe even use the title to this end.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=meegads]
*SueC
“The Last Slide Ride”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18/20
*

I liked this story.  If only we could all go so pleasantly in the end! Well-written and easy to read.



*Megan Pearson
“Clark”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20
*

Cute story.  Interesting twist with the sick boy.  Ending felt a tad  rushed but I get that there’s only so much you can do with a short word  count.  



*Alpine
“The Creator”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20
*

Interesting story!  Neat take on the prompt.  The whole “crime as  probability” idea is intriguing.  I would read this as a novel.



*Velo
“The Riftstone Extinction”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20
*

I really enjoyed this!  Well-written and entertaining.  I loved the twist at the end.





*bdcharles
“King Hippie”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20
*

Creepy and weird, which is right up my alley.  Good tone and sentence structure.  Interesting take on the prompt.  Well-done. 




*undead_av
“The Orphans”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20
*

I really liked this!  Very emotional - I could feel Sugar’s  frustration and eventual acceptance and the twins’ hopeful defiance.   Good character building within a short word count. 



*BornForBurning
“Ravendark”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20
*

Creepy and dark and wonderful!  I really liked this.  Lots of gory,  gross descriptive language, which I always enjoy.  I’m a huge fan of  horror and this was great.  Bravo!





*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
“Star Fish”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20
*

Good, well-written story.  Very satisfying ending!  



*xXx
“gee”
SPaG: 3/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 
*

Not sure what to make of this one.  I gather that there was some kind  of catastrophe but it was a little hard for me to piece together.  With  a 650 word limit, I feel that 250w is a little sparse.  Ultimately it’s  your story and you should write it as you see fit, but this was kind of  a miss for me.




*dahand
“Racing Wheelchairs”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20
*

A little funny, a little sad.  I too have found myself in an awkward  situation and not quite known how to get out of it lol.  Very  entertaining!  Well-written with good tone.  Interesting take on the  prompt.




*Ma’am
“Scapegoat”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20
*

I really liked this!  Clever and surprising.  Well-written and entertaining.




*Bard_Daniel
“We Found Him In The Park”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20
*

Interesting story. Very emotional.  Good sense of characters.  Well-written and pleasant to read. 




*Tim
“The Rat”
SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20
*

Funny and clever! Unexpected twist at the end.  Consistent tone and voice.  Nice job!




*Fatclub
“A Good Shag In The Park”
SPaG: 5/6
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18/20
*

Nice story!  Not what I was expecting lol.  Which I guess is the  point, haha!  Some nice plays on words here.  Glad he got his happy  ending.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Megan Pearson]
*“The Last Slide Ride” *
*By SueC, Post #2*
*SPaG:             5/5*
*T/V:                4/5*
*Effect:             8.5/10*
*Overall:          17.5*

*SPaG:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] Nothing jumped out at me with spelling or grammar. 

*T&V: [/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]Opens  somberly. “October” is often an end-of-years reference, so when coupled  with “the last day of,” I thought the redundancy of meaning was a good  choice in foreshadowing this story for me (functioning like a repetitive  thought). However, I struggled with the change in tone when he was on  the slide. (Okay, I kept hearing ‘weee!’) I like the change in the  character it brought him, that instant and brief rejuvenation; I just  wonder if toning down what he did or the degree of how he did it would  create a more thematically consistent, believable contrast? It might  lend a more serious punch at the end. 

  (I am kind of struggle with  suggesting this to you because last month I learned that you are very  good at introducing the comedic. It comes very naturally to you.  Therefore, I am not at all suggesting to eliminate the twist—only, to  modify it a little so you can get more mileage out of what you have.  Does that make sense?)

*Effect/Review: [/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]Elderly  and frail, Joseph is living out his final request: to sit alone at the  park. Meanwhile, his wife and hospice nurse contemplate his final hours.  When his nurse goes to collect him, she is shocked to find he has gone!  Finally, his wife finds him at the top of a slide. He is not crazy.  Rather, he is remembering past friends who have gone the way he is about  to.

  Hi SueC! I loved it! Great  establishment of where & when this story takes place—I found it  helped me focus better on the main character and his situation. Nice  open/close pairing on the word ‘go’. With the first ‘go’ he reflects on  the life he had, and the second ‘go’ signals his time in this life is  nearly finished. But I struggled with the secondary characters. They  seemed more like stage props than people. My emotional reading of them  was that they were really just waiting for him to die—although I am sure  that’s not what you intended to have come across! Might eliminating the  one to develop the other help in strengthening the reader’s emotional  connection with their concern? Another ‘win’ for me was how you struck a  nice balance between show vs. tell. It helped cover a lot of time  quickly while still creating a story with impact. The false start, where  Karen looks for footprints, also helped build suspense. Finally, the  final exchange between Betty and her husband was _very_ believable. Best sentence: _He was not there._

  Great use of this month’s theme! Thank you for your story! 


*“The Rat” *
*By Tim, Post #4*
*SPaG:             3.5/5*
*T/V:                4.5/5*
*Effect:             9/10*
*Overall:          16*

*SPaG:*
  No coma needed: _keys he had_
  Spelling s/b: _jewelry_ _store_
  Coma needed: _keys, boy._
  Problem sentence: [/FONT]_Rodents have the remarkable ability of being in close proximity to humans without people being aware of their very existence. Bernie's rat excelled in this stealth behavior._[FONT=&Verdana]Why?  There are two thoughts here. One thought is about rats in general. The  other, about how Bernie’s rat exhibits that characteristic. BTW, no coma  needed at underscore. 
  Unless you turn it into two sentences, no capitalization: “Good rat…clever rat.”

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  The tone came off nice, slow, steady and with understated suspense. We  are in the presence of a master criminal. One nit. Instead of, _bowel movements_, try, _bowels to move_.  The one sounds coarse while the other explains the action he is waiting  for to produce the bowel movement. In the latter, the result is more  implied than identified. I think it might match the slightly  sophisticated tone I hear coming through when I read the story.  Otherwise, good job.

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Bernie is arrested in the park for robbery. In a flashback, we learn  about his master-theft method of using a rat to steel diamonds. When the  story picks up again, the officers never suspected that Bernie had a  rat, so he uses the rat to steel the keys and escapes. When the truth of  the matter is revealed in the final scene, the extent of how masterful a  burglar he is shines through.

  Hi Tim! I really liked this  story. I’m not big on crime stories, but this one had the right amount  of suspense and reveal, probably because it was an evenly paced story.  Also, his method of burglary was a novel approach. Lots of contrasts:  homeless vagrant vs. super-rich thief; locked doors vs. opened holes;  discovery vs. mystery. Plus, despite the operant behavior training used,  Bernie shows genuine affection toward his accomplice rat. I found it  made me more sympathetic to it as I read about his interactions with the  rat. Great tie-in with this month’s theme! Can’t wait to see next  month’s story!


*“The Creator” *
*By Alpine, Post #5*
*SPaG:             2.5/5*
*T/V:                3/5*
*Effect:             7/10*
*Overall:          12.5*

*SPaG:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] Great spelling! Nothing jumped out at me here. 
  Coma: _park,_ 
  Subject-verb word order? …s_moothly,” Ortiz said_ … _it will,” Dillard replied_
  Paragraph 5 had too many speakers  to follow. I counted 8 exchanges that should have been separated into 8  paragraphs. It greatly affected this piece’s readability.

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] I particularly liked the contrast between the officer’s tension, their sarcasm (_Dang_),  and the fugitive’s calm confidence. This is a real strength here.  However, I also feel a little like I’m looking into the story rather  than experiencing the story. This is in part due to too much tell / not  enough show. If you look at your short sentences, they have a lot of  punch, but the long sentences kind of trod along. Chopping &  rephrasing what you’ve written may help liven them up. 
  Ex: change _As they reached the highway_ to _Reaching the highway_. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Officers Dillard and Ortiz run down a fugitive in the park who was  spotted by helicopter. The fugitive, who calls himself The Creator,  surrenders willingly. Then he involves them in a conversation about  their computer. He uncannily knows all of the statistics on himself and  everyone else, and amazingly, Dillard is appalled that his potential  statistic for conspiracy sky-rockets before his eyes! With the officers  now on his side, The Creator advises they should hide from the  helicopter.

  Hi Alpine! The repeat of the  helicopter gives a nice open/close pairing. I like that The Creator  brings the officers over onto his side; nice touch. However, I did get a  little lost with who had what percent and how much. Is there some way  you might simplify the numbers for us non-numbers folk, and still get  your point across? Nice tie in to this month’s theme! Looking forward to  reading your submission next month!


*“A Good Shag in the Park” *
*By Fatclub, Post #6*
*SPaG:             4.5/5*
*T/V:                4/5*
*Effect:             9/10*
*Overall:          17.5*

*SPaG:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] Great spelling!
  No space: _message:_
  No hyphen: _tail feather_
  Suggest: _directions (as his…_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  You have a definitely interesting use of a tone that somehow wants to  both be serious and ridiculous at the same time. (Very unique.) Good  job! As the story unfolds, and Charlie’s infirmities become more  central, so also does his isolation from everyday interactions become  more and more pressing as a point of internal tension for Charlie,  played out in the scenes he watches from afar. In this way, for all of  his excitement and the comedy that comes through, it’s also a sad story,  too. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Charlie races to the seashore to find a bird not rare but uncommon, one  usually outside of the range his physical condition allows him travel.  He’s so excited, he forgets his phone, frets about parking, and sits for  hours waiting, waiting for his bird. Finally, he sees it and checks off  a bird from his birding list.

  Hi Fatclub! Still not my cup of  tea to read, but I am really impressed by what you’ve submitted. This  story almost wants to have _a lot_ of heart…but still, somehow, slides into the absurd and grotesque, which (oddly) makes it pretty funny. _Mismatched_ not only describes this story’s theme but also the reader’s (mine) expectations! (Good job!)[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]  This is a very complicated piece with a lot going on under the surface.  Nice repeat with the cell phone reminding us of his isolation, repeated  emphasis on directions and repetition of the infirmity’s details as the  suspense builds. The major point of struggle: not isolation but living  vs. not living. The biggest problem I had, as the reader, was being  quite aware of the dual message, ahem—social commentary, built into it,  BUT overall, very well done. Good job, Fatclub. Excellent use of this  month’s theme & can’t wait to see what you turn out next month!


*“The Riftstone Extinction” *
*By Velo, Post #7*
*SPaG:             4.5/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             10/10*
*Overall:          19.5*

*SPaG:*
  Word choice: _…freely on vs. freely upon_ 
  Semicolon: _He’s wounded; I’m not going to…_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  The steady, first-person narrative builds in intensity through the  telling, drawing the reader in almost unwittingly to sympathize with the  MC’s primitive, tribal existence.
  And then you flip it—it’s now a  third-person narrative and you can hear the officer’s disbelief and  scorn as she discovers Adam—and still the narrative is steady. Reality  has been restored. Each point-of-view felt very intentional about what  it had to say, and the confidence each had in their own viewpoint was  highly believable.

*Effect/Review: [/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]The  lone survivor of the human race has reverted back to a hunter-gatherer  state in order to survive a disease-driven apocalypse. His lone  adversary, a Roc, has hunted him day and night, and now, wounded, it’s  the hunter’s chance to hunt the Roc. The risk is great—the hunter’s  confidence is in question—but finally, he vanquishes his foe! In  victory, the hunter begins to consume his enemy. And then we have a  reality check. Unit 43 finds Adam in Central Park, having overdosed on  some unknown substance, a pigeon in his mouth, and calls for help.

  Hi Velo! Catchy title. Visually, I  liked the balance of white space vs. text. It clued me in to the pacing  before I began reading. Apocalyptic theme. There is a matching  open/close: _…it was a mercy that they _(human race)_ went fast _/  Adam’s overdose seems to have taken him quickly. Just curious, were you  intending a Garden of Eden in the last days sort-of parallel? If so,  then that also provides contrast with the reality of Adam’s last day in  the park. I’m generally not much for the wake-up-and-it-was-all-a-dream  ending, but considering today’s drug culture, maybe a story like this  would make someone think twice? 

  Overall, I don’t like it (--too  disturbing!)—but that disturbing part is exactly why I think it’s an  effective and well written piece. Writing should move the reader, and I  thought this did that. Great use of this month’s theme—looking forward  to reading your submission next month!!!


*“King Hippie” *
*By bdcharles, Post #8*
*SPaG:             4.5/5*
*T/V:                2.5/5*
*Effect:             6/10*
*Overall:          13*

*SPaG:*
  Comas: _…friendly, packed…_; _…I, too, am…_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  I really struggled with the tone in this piece. You have a lot of  variety in your sentence length, so that’s not the problem. Your MC does  a good job venting his emotions about his situation (which I thought  was rather good)—but still, I feel like I’m missing something. For  example, I _see_ the MC venting, but I’m not _connecting_ with  his plight. I feel like asking, what’s this about? Are the allusions  meant literally or metaphorically? Maybe some (brief) context would help  clear this up? (I am very interested in seeing what the other judges  have to say, too.)

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] The MC describes the event that led to his listening to King Hippie and his taking his life. 

  Hi bdcharles! I’m sorry, but I  think I didn’t connect well with your piece. Is he a shade? On drugs? A  fallen angel? At Woodstock in the ‘70’s? Possessed? (I think you see my  plight as reader!) Overall, I think the MC’s narrative worked _very_  well in expressing his thoughts and feelings. I liked that we were in  his head and found his lamentation about his being goaded into doing  something he doesn’t want to do convincing (I think we can all identify  with that). The contrast between helping the homeless and the thing’s  malevolent turn-around shows the MC was deceived (implies free choice),  but then he gives himself into its whispering as if his end is fated (no  free choice), which makes me think he’s being deceived a second time,  since it would be logically inconsistent for both conditions to exist  simultaneously (both free choice and no free choice) at the same time.  Moving on, the open /semi-close with the picnickers provides an idyllic  contrast to this man’s internal conflict. (Also repeated: spare change.)  Furthermore, we have two levels. If taken literally, of physical  location: Kallestropic Park, where MC is, and the picnickers far below.  And if taken metaphorically, about his state of affairs: of those who  are happy—who the MC despises—and this dire one he finds himself in.  Maybe both levels are true? I’m not sure. Some imagery and phrases I  really liked: _sensible brickwork_; _He goads me_; _How dare they_. 

  Creative use of this month’s theme—Good job! Looking forward to reading what you write next month!


*“The Orphans” *
*By undead_av, Post #9*
*SPaG:             5/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             10/10*
*Overall:          20*

*SPaG: [/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]No spelling issues that I saw; the grammatical choices seemed chosen to fit the tone of the story. Except: _…get it out of my… _Nice use of emphasized words—they fit.

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Consistent, strong use of the same tone throughout that seems to fit  the piece quite appropriately. Written mostly in short sentences, there  is an emotional tension here that builds to a crescendo, thus  effectively connecting the reader emotionally to the story. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  The twins Bug and Pocket bring home a creature they found in the park.  Sugar, who has taken in the orphans, reluctantly allows the thing to  stay. It’s fate to be turned back out on the street seems most sure  until it reaches out to comfort her, at which point she realizes it’s  home now, too.

  Hi undead_av! Yeah, this one got to me. Open/close on _found_ vs _home_  reflects the theme of the piece. Effective contrast in the ideas of  abandonment vs. familial belonging, and in putting out vs. taking in.  The light character descriptions help put a face on whose talking, plus  adds to the theme of unconditional acceptance. The only thing I  struggled with was _should_ they take it in, which the author  resolved affirmatively when it comforts Sugar. Whatever it is, it is a  good-hearted thing. They’re going to make it—together.

  Favorite sentence: _Mutated monkey-gummy-thing_. Shows Sugar’s confusion and attempt to think this thing out. 

  Creative use of this month’s theme! Looking forward to next month’s piece!


*“Ravendark” *
*By BornForBurning, Post #10*
*SPaG:             3.5/5*
*T/V:                4/5*
*Effect:             4/10*
*Overall:          11.5*

*SPaG:*
  Possession, not contraction: _…its horrifying cry_
  No coma: _split open and_ 
  Questionable word choice: _haunches_. No points taken off for this, as you may have chosen it for tone, but seems to me to have an animalistic connotation.  

  The main sentence is, _It … gave a menacing squawk_.  Its basic construction is: Subject/…/verb/noun (object). But there’s a  lot going on this sentence that separates the subject from its object.  In other words, I had to reread it. (Only place I had to do this.)

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Clear, consistent tone throughout. Believability was an issue, so—for  me—there was no serious engagement possible to identify or sympathize  with your MC.  

*Effect/Review: [/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]Abigail  kills a walking-dead raven then hides it in her basement, where it  comes alive again. But its disease has infected her and she, too, begins  to transform into an undead thing.

  Hi BfF! Okay, I was on “eww” by  sentence two. Not my cup of tea. I find horror usually elicits absurd  laughter from me in the wrong spots—as I found in your piece. I felt  like the raven’s repeated phrase gave it a melodramatic feel, and its  killing the puppy at the beginning to be a bit cheap, as well as other  devices used. It left me asking, what’s the point? However, I want to  encourage you as a writer in pursuing something we all enjoy—writing.  You painted with a big brush and I think that’s worth noting. You also  clearly _enjoy_ surprising your reader; surely the right audience  is out there for you. (I’m not it.) Good job on incorporating what she  found in the park into your story! 


*“Star Fish” *
*By ArrowInTheBowofTheLord, Post #11*
*SPaG:             4/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             10/10*
*Overall:          19*

*SPaG:*
  Missing comas to offset: _To the north, a few hundred feet, lay…_ (I think this non-restrictive clause is an adverbial clause)
  No coma needed: _length and_ _made_

  This sentence stood out. The one  does not follow from the other like the pause indicates. I would  separate this into sentences, each with their own idea: [/FONT]_[FONT=&Verdana]He ought to try to find help…. His eyes drifted to the_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  The tone fit the piece; it has a classic SF feel. Specifically, I  thought your word choices and varied sentence length gave it a steady  feel that I found helped tell a better story beyond what was simply on  the page. And the voice was distinct without being overbearing. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Captain Matt Halloway crash lands his spaceship, ironically, at his  childhood home. Suffering from a concussion, he staggers about while  gentle voices from the past offer flashbacks that inspire him into  action. The activity takes his mind off of his predicament (and the  flies) and, when his rescuers find him, he has caught a fish. Maybe all  he needed was a little miracle?

  Hi Arrow! The sudden crash, the  concussion, the flashbacks; I got a clear sense of when and to whom we  were listening in on. Holding together those elements gave consistency  to the piece and helped shepherd us to your story’s conclusion. Very  effective. At first, I was afraid the ironic crash landing site would be  too convenient a prop, but by the time I reached the fish I instead  found that the fish was symbolic of his miracle. Nice supporting  parallel there for a conscientiously named MC. Today’s SF seems a bit  over-the-top compared to our classic literature, so my guess is the fish  might throw some readers not well-read in the classics (e.g.,  1940’s-1970’s). But that’s what science fiction is: rediscovering what  it is to be human. Not only was this a pleasure to read, it is the kind  of story I would want to read more of. Good job. Also, nice use of this  month’s theme & looking forward to your submission next month!


*“here” *
*By xXx, Post #12*
*SPaG:             5/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             8/10*
*Overall:          18*

*SPaG:*
  Apostrophe: (unless you meant plural) _Presentation’s_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  We have three points of action: the player, the programmers, and the  report. Each is presented with its own point of view, and that viewpoint  is clear and consistent. The player and his friends: emotional. The  programmers: an all-in-a-day’s-work attitude. The report: unemotional.  This creates an interesting contrast in tone that helps tell a  big-picture story. And yes, your voice comes through—I’d recognize it as  yours if it were a block of code away.

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  This multi-layered story tells about a Frisbee player in the park, when  he goes crashing through the brush. The programmers run into a glitch  that determines the player’s death; their test report gives us a  wide-angle lens that (indirectly, through implication) links his death  is to his civilization not responding to challenge. 

  Hi xXx! I think I’m starting to  understand your minimalism much better; this one actually made sense. (I  think.) The big picture is today’s leisure culture; the middle ground  are the programmers; the foreground is the perishing Frisbee player. I  think there’s a ton of cultural commentary here that you let the reader  unpack. And I think it can be unpacked, maybe not as thoroughly as you  intend, but unpacked nonetheless. The part that made the least sense to  me was the section that began “do not agitate.” In contrast with the  test report, I take it to be further cultural commentary? Finally, as I  read through, I found the different fonts to be extremely helpful in  discerning who the camera was on; the bold added a sense of immediacy.  Very creative use of this month’s theme! I think I’m going to have to  try writing a piece in this style someday.


*“Racing Wheelchairs” *
*By dahand, Post #13*
*SPaG:             5/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             10/10*
*Overall:          20*

*SPaG:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana] Nothing jumped out at me

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  What a great feeling of curiosity you have invoked in your reader. I  really felt the MC’s hesitancy, the draw of the unknown—and his  innocence, then the shame of being found out. This was 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  While in the park, our MC finds a wheelchair shoved into the weeds.  Curious, he sits in it—just in time for a truly disabled man to come  along the path and challenge him to a friendly race. In an accidental  collision, he’s thrown to the pavement and taken to ER. There, the  doctor wants to know what happened, his girlfriend assumes he’s been  tragically injured and, in her reaction, his new friend realizes he’s  been lied to. 

  Hi dahand! This is a great ‘what  if’ story that provides a wonderful why—and in that why, we realize how  traumatic sudden disability is to our family and how shameful it is to  mislead someone into believing we are something we are not. For a  moment, our MC experiences what it might be like as a new paraplegic, to  be welcomed into a discreet community united by the shared by the  experience of disability, to hear the horrified response of family, and  what it’s like to be instantly ostracized—not, in his case, for  disability but for dishonesty. Nice repetition of words pertaining to  speech throughout (a theme of communication underlies the story). Nice  character arc beginning with idle curiosity whose resulting shame both  the MC and the reader can learn from. Sensitively handled. I love  humanitarian pieces with a lot of empathy, so this is a winner in my  book. Great job incorporating the park and I’m looking forward to your  submission next month!


*“Scapegoat” *
*By Ma’am, Post #14*
*SPaG:             5/5*
*T/V:                5/5*
*Effect:             8/10*
*Overall:          18*

*SPaG:*
  Missing word? _When Bo Senior finally left_
  No other crimes of spelling/grammar jumped out at me. Good job!

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Consistent tone throughout. The narration is written with a strong  voice which is needed to come to the MC’s resolution. Lots of show,  appropriate tell; it speeds up the narration just enough to not belabor  us with too many details. Regarding voice, I love that I feel like I’m  reading the words of an actual person here and what is happening to her _right now_, and not a story about a person. It fits the piece well. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  We meet Janella and Bo while they are getting high, playing a game of  ‘what’s that cloud?’ It’s an illicit relationship; he’s a priest and  feels self-conscious that what he’s doing is wrong. It turns into ‘pin  the goat with the note’—and the goat stays. But then, the next night.  Here comes Bo, everything he owns in tow because he’s been defrocked.  Somehow this is her fault and the figurative goat becomes his pet.  Janella has enough and leaves. 

  Hi Ma’am! Nice parallel symbolism  with the merry-go-round as a picture of the coming of the scapegoat and  Janella’s leaving … it’s like it becomes a symbolic foreshadowing. I  like the wit and humor that comes through; it helps show how sin causes a  break in relationship. Well done. This was an entertaining application  of a Biblical story. However, in Leviticus 16, not one but _two_  goats are presented before the Lord, one for atonement and one as the  scapegoat. The atonement goat is to make atonement for the priest, and  the other is to carry the sins of the people. Bo should know that.  Overall, very well written, nice repetition throughout that unifies the  piece through the passage of time, highly readable and funny. Nice  tie-in with this month’s theme! Looking forward to reading your  submission next month!

  P.S., Just a friendly reminder, please post a language warning if the piece should contain any swearing. 


*“We Found Him in the Park” *
*By Bard_Daniel, Post #16*
*SPaG:             4.5/5*
*T/V:                3/5*
*Effect:             7/10*
*Overall:          14.5*

*SPaG:*
  Punctuation/typo?: _…word, “—tell me…_
  Punctuation/semi colon or 2 sentences: _…as kids; surely…_

*T&V:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  The tone is consistent throughout, but a bit wooden. There’s a lot of  emotion here, yet it doesn’t come off the page as lively or as  believable as I think it can. Varying your sentence length and structure  might help. 

*Effect/Review:[/FONT]*[FONT=&Verdana]  Davy and James find their friend in the park. He’s an emotional wreck.  Katie, who they were all sweet on, has early on-set dementia. They help  Jacob work through grief and you know everything’s going to be all right  because they’re going to go through this together.

  Hi Bard_Daniel! What a great  “buddy” story! Nice open/close with their arriving/leaving the park;  nice interaction between the characters in trying to resolve not only  how they should handle this, but how they might help Katie, too.  However, as a reader, I found having two supporting characters whose  names both began with “J” to be mildly confusing. Also, it seemed to me  that the characters were over-acting a bit. To help resolve this, my  best suggestion is to keep reading, find an author who you think models  this, and try writing a couple of short pieces in his style. In my  opinion, the exercise of finding someone to model can really help us  learn how they did it more than just reading by it self. Kudos on  incorporating Neruda’s poem into the story; it gave it a moment of  tender compassion. Great job using this month’s theme! Can’t wait to  read your story next month!
[/spoiler2]

Crunch, crunch, sputter, sputter ... pure data walks this night!



*TITLE
**epimetheus
**Megan Pearson
**meegads
**Total
*The Last Slide Ride - SueC1217.517.515.833Clark - Megan Pearson (j/e)----The Rat - Tim9.5161914.833The Creator - Alpine16.512.51715.333A Good Shag in the Park - Fatclub1317.51816.166The Riftstone Extinction - velo14.519.52018King Hippie - bdcharles12.5131914.833The Orphans - undead_av18.5201919.166Ravendark - BornForBurning1311.52014.833StarFish - ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord12191916.667here / -gee- - -xXx-9181413.667Racing Wheelchairs - dahand14201917.667Scapegoat - Ma'am14.5182017.5We Found Him in the Park - Bard_Daniel1414.51715.167
​

There it is. As God is my witness (_glances nervously at the sky_) I told you I'd have the scores. Would I lie to you?  No, seriously, apologies they are late, but let's give a big LM round of robust banging of hands to June's winner ...


*undead_av*
with 
*The Orphans*​
followed by next month's stand in host
_velo_
with 
*The Riftstone Extinction*​
and closing out your top 3, it's
*Racing Wheelchairs*
by 
_dahand

_​
And lo! they did bask in the applause, for it was well-deserved. Thank you judges, thank you entrants, readers, everyone really for this month's comp.


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## epimetheus (Jul 7, 2019)

Well done everyone, congrats to the winners. Thanks for the chance to see some great stuff, i learnt lots trying to dissect the entries.


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## Ma'am (Jul 7, 2019)

Congrats to the winners. Great job, undead_av, velo and dahand! :encouragement: :encouragement: :encouragement:


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## Fatclub (Jul 7, 2019)

Epimetheus
Thanks, I ummed and aahed over that "Erm..." thing - I wanted to experiment with an intrusive narrative voice "...paid for by the taxpayer." and "...role reversal." etc. If I'd really wanted to win I would have not done this but I was really curious to see how it went down. I'm glad I tried. Do I dump it or improve on it? I don't know.
Thx for your moon landing comment ( a narrative voice that worked!). I agree now over the satnav thing. 
And I use Word2003. I once won an informal game of countdown (like scrabble) with 'alsation'! 

Megan
Thanks for liking it. As in the above, I really didn't know if this 'voice' would work. That's part of the grotesque absurdity but I wouldn't learn if I didn't try it. 

Meegads
Glad you liked it.

I think I did well considering there were so many good stories. I loved Tim's, my favourite. I know there's a few problems with it but I loved it. 

Onwards and upwards.


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## undead_av (Jul 7, 2019)

Thank you guys! I really appreciated everyone's reviews and am glad you guys liked it! Megan, thank you especially for your in-depth review; it was encouraging.


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## velo (Jul 7, 2019)

Thanks, all.  

Epimetheus...I never thought of the line about people's faces being glued to their screen as foreshadowing, I was trying to make a snarky comment about modern society.  That was a really useful call out, thank you.  

Undead_av, really well done.  I enjoyed the vague, yet somehow not, description of the creature/thing/whatever...I have a clear picture of the squishy little bugger in mah brayn.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jul 7, 2019)

Congrats to the winners!! 

And, of course, thank you for the judges for your time and comments! =-D


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