# Bad Jokes



## Olly Buckle (Dec 6, 2010)

Do you know any really, really bad jokes?

For example:-

Q. What always succeeds?

A. A toothless budgie.

People who only know good jokes can go and start their own, boring, thread.


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## Edgewise (Dec 7, 2010)

Why won't bears eat clowns?  Because they taste funny.


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## Edgewise (Dec 7, 2010)

Olly Buckle said:


> Do you know any really, really bad jokes?
> 
> For example:-
> 
> ...



I don't get it.


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## shadowchaser (Dec 7, 2010)

What do you call a cow with turrets? 

BEEF JERKY!!!


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## garza (Dec 7, 2010)

Edgewise - Budgies are small members of the parrot family, like a parakeet. They eat seeds. They are toothless, as are all birds. Thus to survive a toothless budgie must suck seed. But all budgies are toothless. So a toothless budgie will alway succeed...

Edit - Oh, wait. I have one. 
Q - Why did the little boy get lost in the cornfield?
A - He couldn't find his way through the maize.


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## Olly Buckle (Dec 7, 2010)

The shark, swimming in the ocean, came across a squid. he was about to eat him but the squid explained he was very poor with a wife and family and had been chronically ill for a long time. The shark took pity and tucked him under his fin, a little buddy. Then he met another shark,
"Oh, by the way, here's that sick squid I owe you" he said.

(note for 'foreigners' :- quid is slang for a pound or pounds, money)


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## Olly Buckle (Dec 25, 2010)

The crackers have been opened!

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A. A barbecue (barber queue)


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## The Backward OX (Dec 27, 2010)

So there was this group of English tourists and their guide out hiking in the wilds of SW Ireland. They came to a spot where they looked down into a rugged valley and the guide said, 'See all those huge rocks piled up over on the far side of the valley? They were dropped there by glaciers.' So this little old lady from Cripps Corner in E. Sussex said, 'But where are the glaciers?' and the guide replied, 'Oh, they've gone back for more rocks.'


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## Elynae (Dec 27, 2010)

Q: What do you call a video of pedestrians?
A: Footage.


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## Baron (Dec 27, 2010)

A Japanese firm has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.


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## Olly Buckle (Dec 27, 2010)

More crackers,
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.

Who invented fireworks? Some bright spark.


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## The Backward OX (Jan 14, 2011)

iDrew said:


> What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
> 
> A Vet


 
Har. Har. Har.


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## Dudester (Jan 15, 2011)

I'm like John Wayne toilet paper, rough, tough, taking no crap off of anyone.


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## wurdguy (Jan 19, 2011)

Q. What is yellow and electron withdrawing? 



A. A nucleaphilic banana.
--------------------------


As recorded by a friend, this was a joke my wife made back when she was in grad school. Jokes like these are the direct result of late hours studying and drinking coffee.


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## Luckystars1987 (Jan 19, 2011)

Q.           What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A.           A tuba toothpaste.


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## JosephB (Jan 19, 2011)

This is one of daughter's favorites, and it's now in a commercial:

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

A: Nacho cheese.


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## Lamperoux (Jan 19, 2011)

Baron said:


> A Japanese firm has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.


 
i'm gonna need proof to believe that one, olly.


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## caelum (Jan 19, 2011)

When Chunk Norris does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up.  He's pushing the world down.

Before the boogey-man goes to sleep, he checks _his_ closet to make sure Chuck Norris folded all the clothes correctly.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on memory foam, it forgot.

Yo momma's so fat, she should adopt a healthier diet and exercise.


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## blackiris212 (Mar 17, 2011)

Why was the tomato blushing?

It saw the salad dressing


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## Deleted member 33527 (Mar 17, 2011)

Haha, that one's pretty cute.

Here's one I heard on TV:

What did the big chimney tell the little chimney?

"Don't smoke, it's bad for you."


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 17, 2011)

That's on a par with,

"What lies on the ocean floor and shivers?"

"A nervous wreck"


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## BipBopRealGoodNop (Mar 19, 2011)

I'm seriously bored of the 'why did the chicken cross the road' jokes. they've been running since the 1800s!!! There all rubbish!!


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## The Backward OX (Mar 19, 2011)

BipBopRealGoodNop said:


> I'm seriously bored of the 'why did the chicken cross the road' jokes. they've been running since the 1800s!!! There all rubbish!!


But you must admit, they're there in their thousands.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 21, 2011)

Why did the chicken cross the SPLAT!!  ...


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## Mistique (Mar 21, 2011)

Question 1: Its green and it's not a pea.

Likely the other person won't know.
Answer: A pea after all.

Question 2: Its yellow and not a lemon.
Likely the other person will say 'a lemon after all."
Answer: no, a banana.


Question 1: How do you put an elephant into the fridge?

Likely the other person won't know.
Answer: You open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.

Question 2: How do you put a horse into the fridge?

Likely the other person will say "You open the door, put the horse in and close the door."
Answer: Well, no of course not. You open the door, get the elephant out, put the horse in and close the door.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 21, 2011)

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A: One mouthful at a time.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 22, 2011)

q. How do you get four elephants in a mini?
a. Two in the front, two in the back.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 22, 2011)

Q. What is green and hairy and goes up and down?

A A gooseberry in a lift.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 22, 2011)

Q How do you hide an elephant in a packet of M&Ms?

A Paint their toenails all different colours.





Mate, you should of said 'elevator'. Septics won't get it.


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## Gumby (Mar 25, 2011)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


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## Ymmot (Mar 25, 2011)

Are you guys familiar with anti-jokes?

Q:What did the crippled orphan get for Christmas?
A:AIDS.

Q:Why did the little boy drop his ice-cream?
A:Because he was hit by a bus.


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## Jinxi (Mar 25, 2011)

^ I know it's wrong, but I couldn't help laughing at those!


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## Lone_Wolfe (Mar 25, 2011)

Q: What's yellow and goes slam-slam-slam-slam?
A: A four door banana.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up without falling over?
A: Because it's two tired.


"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" 

"I know all that." 

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


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## Writ-with-Hand (Mar 25, 2011)

Ymmot said:


> Are you guys familiar with anti-jokes?
> 
> Q:What did the crippled orphan get for Christmas?
> A:AIDS.
> ...



What demented mind came up with that?

But I see why they're called anti-jokes.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 26, 2011)

*Official Government policy on the burial of indigenous people*

They've changed the laws regarding the burial of the indigenous people of (insert white man’s name for the country in which you reside)

They used to be buried twelve feet down because deep down they're really nice people; now they have to bury them two feet down so they can still get a hand out. 


C'mon, people, get over it, it _is_ the bad jokes thread.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 27, 2011)

> C'mon, people, get over it, it is the bad jokes thread.


I have not used my special powers to make it 'softly and silently vanish away', I am not quite sure why, it is beyond bad. Perhaps it is this  (insert white man’s name for the country in which you reside)  which takes a little of the sting out by poking a bit of fun at the perp. as well as the victim. Careful how far down that road you travel though or my snarkiness will turn boojum.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 28, 2011)

*English soccer jokes*

The end of the season approached but the Irish manager was still optimistic. "We can still avoid relegation lads, all we have to do is to win 11 of the last 4 games!"


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## Gumby (Apr 18, 2011)

The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 18, 2011)

Gumby said:


> The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning.
> 
> They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. .
> 
> ...


 
C'mon Gumby, you know better than to plagiarise

http://www.writingforums.com/writer...le-comprehended-human-mind-3.html#post1059760

:shock:


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## Gumby (Apr 18, 2011)

Haha! Too funny! I guess neither one of them could be called the sharpest knife in the drawer.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Apr 19, 2011)

One day, a peace-loving german walked into a bar...


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## The Backward OX (Apr 19, 2011)

That's not even remotely bad...


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## Foxee (Apr 19, 2011)

Gumby said:


> The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning.
> 
> They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. .
> 
> ...


 I'm still laughing. Gumby these are supposed to be bad jokes. 

Here's one from my uncle that's always been a personal favorite bad joke:
*
A guy shows his doctor his midsection and says, "Doc, I have a screw in my belly button. It's never really been a problem but I've always had it and I don't know why."

"Well, let me try something," the doctor says.* *

So he gets a screwdriver, takes out the screw, and the guy's butt falls off.*


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## The Backward OX (Apr 19, 2011)

Foxee, I'm sure you've heard the saying there's nothing new under the sun. That one had whiskers when I was a schoolboy. Back then it was a golden screw.


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## Foxee (Apr 19, 2011)

It might be old as the hills, Ox, but someone has to carry the torch of bad jokes and pass them on to the youngsters, right? I bet you have a few more up your sleeve.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 19, 2011)

Don't get me started.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 25, 2011)

"I'm three days overdue."


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## The Backward OX (May 15, 2011)

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn't matter what you call him. He's not going to come.


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## Rustgold (May 15, 2011)

BipBopRealGoodNop said:


> I'm seriously bored of the 'why did the chicken cross the road' jokes. they've been running since the 1800s!!! There all rubbish!!


Add the dumb blond jokes to that list.



garza said:


> Edgewise - Budgies are small members of the parrot family, like a parakeet. They eat seeds. They are toothless, as are all birds. Thus to survive a toothless budgie must suck seed. But all budgies are toothless. So a toothless budgie will alway succeed...


Any joke that needs an explanation longer than the actual joke clearly qualifies for this thread.

As does this


Rustgold said:


> Press release on Osama's behalf has shed new light on the porn pics.  He did have a regular porn service.  It turns out that as he's going to get 72 virgins in his afterlife, he merely wanted to make sure that he didn't get dudded with non virgins mixed in.


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## The Backward OX (May 15, 2011)

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.


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## candid petunia (May 15, 2011)

Is it okay if we laugh here?


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## Candra H (May 15, 2011)

^Seconded.

Ox's non-coming dog joke made me giggle.


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## BipBopRealGoodNop (May 16, 2011)

How do you get 20 pikachus on a bus?

Poke 'em on!


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## BipBopRealGoodNop (May 16, 2011)

What do you get when a road marker runs over your crotch?

Double yellow loins


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## BrokenPencil (May 16, 2011)

The Backward OX said:


> Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
> 
> A: It doesn't matter what you call him. He's not going to come.


 
This one is a classic.


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## candid petunia (Jan 7, 2012)

Q : Why did the cook get arrested? 
A : Because he beat up an egg. 







Yeah, it's the bad jokes thread.


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## wurdguy (Jan 7, 2012)

I bopped into the bank to cash a check. On the way out, what looked to be a homeless guy was standing near the door; and he said, "I haven't eaten in a week, mister." I looked over at him and replied, "I admire your willpower."


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## The Backward OX (Jan 7, 2012)

candid petunia said:


> Q : Why did the cook get arrested?
> A : Because he beat up an egg.
> 
> 
> ...



What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot?

*Look it up* (very Australian)


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## Patrick (Jan 7, 2012)

Now I know where to post all my best jokes...


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## candid petunia (Jan 9, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot?
> 
> *Look it up* (very Australian)


lol :tongue2:


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## Offeiriad (Jan 9, 2012)

Today it was announced that shipping giants FedEx and UPS will merge into one super company. The new name will be FedUP. :topsy_turvy:


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## candid petunia (Jan 9, 2012)

It's the bad jokes thread, offeiriad. How dare you make me grin?


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## SubjectWhat (Jan 9, 2012)

Q- What do you call a video game franchise that causes kids to crap their pants?

A - Call of doodee


Q - On which video game did Air Jordan dunk?

A - Skyrim


Q - What do you call a French city that weights 2 thousand pounds and sits atop an elevation of the earth's surface?

A - Paris Hilton


Q - Which famous actor's name is in fact a a combination of a reference to his two fast food parents and an adjective about himself?

A - Jack Mc-old son


Q - What movie was initially going to be titled "One Berry in the sack"?

A - Monster's Ball


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## Offeiriad (Jan 9, 2012)

candid petunia said:


> It's the bad jokes thread, offeiriad. How dare you make me grin?




sorry. :twisted:


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 10, 2012)

I know lots of bad jokes.... I just can't tail them!

(Okay, okay... I just can't remember the punch line!)

Best regards

CB


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## Offeiriad (Jan 12, 2012)

Okay I realise only a select few individuals will get this joke but, here goes....


After losing the BSC title game on Monday, 9 January 2012, Louisiana State University (LSU) players had a difficult time getting back home. Apparently some joker painted a 50 yard line across the interstate and the bus broke down.


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 12, 2012)

Actually, that's not a bad joke...


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## Kyle R (Jan 12, 2012)

Offeiriad said:


> Okay I realise only a select few individuals will get this joke but, here goes....
> 
> 
> After losing the BSC title game on Monday, 9 January 2012, Louisiana State University (LSU) players had a difficult time getting back home. Apparently some joker painted a 50 yard line across the interstate and the bus broke down.



Lol. I laughed.


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## DuKane (Jan 19, 2012)

What do you call a deer with no eyes? 
No idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea!

What do you call a bloke with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob!


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## IanMGSmith (Jan 19, 2012)

Mr DuKane, that is _sick_. LOL

Name one of the earliest known racing car drivers. - "Moses", he came forth in his triumph.


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## The Backward OX (Jan 19, 2012)

This is not so much a joke as a proverb, and will be recognised only by an older and British audience of car-racing aficionados:

“A stationary Moss gathers no sterling”


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## The Backward OX (Jan 19, 2012)

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who's fallen into a bush?

Russell.


What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on the floor?

Matt.


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## The Backward OX (Jan 22, 2012)

Did you hear the one about the two-engined plane which had one of its engines fail, and it began losing altitude, and the Captain got on the intercom and said:

‘Sorry about this folks, but we’re going to have to throw out all your luggage.’

The plane kept on losing altitude, and the Capn said, ‘Sorry, that didn’t work, we’ll have to start throwing passengers out. The only right way to do this is alphabetically. Any Africans here?’

Silence.

‘Okay, any blacks?’

Silence. 

‘Any coloured people?’

Silence.

Up the back, this little boy turned to his mother and said, ‘Mom, we’s African. We’s black. We’s coloured.’

And his mother said, ‘Hush yo’ mouf, boy. For de purposes of dis exercise, we Niggers. Let dem Muslims go first!’



_It does say Bad Jokes_


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## Courtjester (Jan 22, 2012)

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


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## Courtjester (Jan 22, 2012)

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.


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## IanMGSmith (Jan 22, 2012)

LOL your jokes are top quality good Sir Jest



Courtjester said:


> ...In feudalism it’s your count that votes.



...and if they didn't like the Count's manorialisms, the peasants would simply start another feud. (smile)

Ian


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## Courtjester (Jan 23, 2012)

Glad you enjoyed them, Ian. How about this one:

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​


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## DuKane (Jan 25, 2012)

IanMGSmith said:


> Mr DuKane, that is _sick_. LOL



Alright our Kidda!! Most grateful thanks, there are so many more that people fell of their dinosaurs listening to.

What do you call a bloke with a shovel in his head?
Doug!


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## Offeiriad (Jan 25, 2012)

Where do blonde aliens go?

Area 52

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brunette says to a blonde 'Look! A dead bird!' and the blonde looks up and says 'Where?'


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## IanMGSmith (Jan 25, 2012)

Ha ha, so many great jokes but isn't this is supposed to be the "*bad* jokes" thread? 

I'm passing this on because it worked for me. A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and that we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Vodka, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptions, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner peas. An telum u luvum.


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## aj47 (Jan 25, 2012)

Who in the Bible has the longest skin?
Moses -- he tied his ass to a tree and walked for miles.


A truck was driving down the street when it suddenly turned into a shopping mall.

God plays baseball.  The Bible starts in the big inning.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a hardware problem.

How many union men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Forty-three--got a PROBLEM with that?


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 25, 2012)

What is 668?

The neighbour of the beast.


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## Courtjester (Jan 26, 2012)

*Church Light Bulbs*

How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?

A) Charismatic: Only one – hands are already in the air anyway.

B) Roman Catholic: None – they use candles.

C) Baptist: Change??!!??!!

D) Pentecostal: Ten – one to change, nine to pray against the spirit of darkness

E) Presbyterian: None – God has predestined when the lights will be on and off

F) Anglican: Ten – one to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like they old one better

G) Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

H) Methodists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

I) Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for light bulbs. However, if in your own journey, you have found a light bulb that works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


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## DuKane (Jan 26, 2012)

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.


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## The Backward OX (Jan 26, 2012)

How many NYC cab drivers does it take to change a light bulb?

"None a' your bidnezz. Gedoudda my way."


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## The Backward OX (Jan 26, 2012)

Mental health clinic - answering machine messages.

"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........ 

*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 

*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on 
the line so we can trace your call. 

*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to 
the mother ship. 

*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell 
you which number to press. 

*If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you 
press, no one will answer. 

*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. 

*If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound/hash key until 
a representative comes on the line. 

*If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone 
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's 
maiden name. 

*If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and 
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. 

*If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, 
or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. 

*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term 
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If 
you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 

*If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too 
busy to talk to you. 

*If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.”


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## aj47 (Jan 26, 2012)

why do <insert here> hate M&Ms?

They're so hard to peel


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## Potty (Jan 26, 2012)

A bloke is killed and goes to heaven. St Peter greets him at the gates and shows him round.
"You get to pick where you stay up here. In this room is where the Apache Indians like to go." The bloke looks inside and sees many indians dancing round a fire.
"This next room is for those who follow the way of the shaolin monk." Inside were lots of people kung fooing eachother.
"Now we have to be really really quiet going past this next room." Said St Peter.
"Why?" asks the bloke.
"Because there are 144,000 Jehovah witnesses in there who think they're the only ones up here."


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## Missy (Jan 27, 2012)

Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesar's!

****************************************************************************************************

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, 
"Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."     

*******************************************************************************************************

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."


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## theorphan (Jan 27, 2012)

Sorry, I can't tell any of my bad jokes, they aren't appropriate


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## aj47 (Jan 29, 2012)

You heard about the Mexican woman who had twin sons -- she named them Jose and Hose B


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## DuKane (Jan 29, 2012)

astroannie said:


> You heard about the Mexican woman who had twin sons -- she named them Jose and Hose B



And I always thought they were the spanish firefighters.

Whats green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.


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## Courtjester (Jan 30, 2012)

Two cows were standing in a field, one was called Daisy and the other one Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning,’ said Daisy. ‘I don’t believe you,’ replied Dolly. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaimed Daisy.


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## Missy (Jan 31, 2012)

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived.  He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."


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## DuKane (Feb 1, 2012)

Best man stands to give his speech at a wedding reception and begins by congratulating the happy couple before adding.

"Sorry to say be we have a confession arising from the stag night."
"We all had a few too many beers and decided to go on a streak."
"Unfortunately the cops caught us, and arrested us all, including your new husband."

The bride doesn't know whether to scowl or laugh at her husband, the best man continues.

"We all got charged with a public order offence."
"But your new husband was let off."
"Due to lack of hard evidence!"


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 8, 2012)

Psychic dwarf escapes custody; Police seek small medium at large.


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## Bloggsworth (Feb 8, 2012)

_*conjunctivitis.com*_ - That's a site for sore eyes...


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## aj47 (Feb 8, 2012)

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"  The Scotsman says ""Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


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## Hawke (Feb 8, 2012)

I have to hand it to short people... because they can't ever reach it. 

Boo! Hiss! I know.


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## DuKane (Feb 10, 2012)

Sorry luv, if I'd know you were a virgin I'd have taken me time

That's ok, if I'd known you were gonna take your time, I would have got me tights off.


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 13, 2012)

What is green, has six legs, and kills you if it lands on you?

A billiard table


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## Missy (Feb 13, 2012)

*What do you call a cow with no legs?*
*Ground beef!


*An Illinois man  left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife,
*Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.*


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## DuKane (Feb 16, 2012)

A Greek and a Italian were arguing about who had the superior culture.

Greek:   We have the Parthenon!
Roman: We have the Coliseum!

Greek:   We gave birth to advanced mathematics!
Roman: We built the Roman Empire!

Greek:   We invented sex!
Roman: True! But we thought of having it with women!


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