# June 2016 - LM - Picture Prompt - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jul 2, 2016)

June 2016 FLM - Picture Prompt Scores
​
PrinzeCharmingsquidtenderkilroy214midnightpoettotalSleepwriter16.817.25161817.01Joshybo1815171817W. Goepner13.714.75171615.36Greyson11.91815.51615.35Boofy14.816.25151515.26rcallaci17.51414.51515.25Ibb1218.2513.51414.43_Serenedipity_-
Godofwine1716121214.25_A Well Traveled Road_-
Terry D.11.613.75171414.08Makili14.512151413.87Rookish1015151513.75_What Did You Expect_- Blue10139.51712.375_A Bend in the Road_-
bdcharles11.812131111.95CJL430711.714.75101111.86_Hm_-DruidPeter9.314.5101311.7Ultrareol10.910101310.975rubisco10.512.25101110.93StoneFrog10.211.75889.48_Restless_-kilroy214*****


Ass you can see, we had a pretty tight competition this month. Everybody did a great job, and thank you to my fellow judges for the time and effort exerted to pull this whole thing off!

In First place we have *Satisfaction Guaranteed* by *Sleepwriter
*In Second,*  And Miles to Go* by* Joshybo*
and in Third, *A Hunting Trip *by *W. Goepner*

Congratulations everybody. Feel free to 'like' 'lol' or 'Thank' any of the stories. And now for the scores! Let me know if I've made any errors.


 [spoiler2=PrinzeCharming's Scores] The picture prompt sparked some intriguing ideas! The overall most commonly used words described the road and the trees. At one point, I was pleased a few of you have stepped off the road and ventured into another point of view. Thank you for that change of direction. Whether it was fog, mist, mysterious (potentially rabid) creatures or historical significance, I enjoyed all of your LM entries. I couldn’t have had a better group of entrants. Please, whatever you do, focus more on what I wrote as an individual critique rather than how I scored. If you would like to talk outside the challenge score thread, shoot a PM. I’ll be happy to respond. May the best entry win, and I am looking forward to seeing you next month in July.


 Thank you! Keep writing!

*P.s. *

 Sorry for the formatting. Some bold went through, other bold didn't. Not the boldest move, right?_ I tried. _



 Author: Boofy
 Story: *Sally, Mittens and You.*
 SPaG: 5
 Tone / Voice: 3.8
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14.8


 The title is cute. I am intrigued about Sally. I am curious about the mittens. This implies a colder ambiance. You might have leaned closer to late autumn for inspiration from the picture prompt. I can definitely understand that given the trees are bare. If I were as narcissistic as someone from Glastonbury, Connecticut, I would definitely want to know what I (being the You in the title) have to do with this short story.









 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
If you wanted to, you could walk for about five minutes in that direction and wind up in the spot where the road disappears beneath the loam. 




 I admire the introduction sentence. What stands out the most is when you say, “where the road disappears beneath the loam.” What if you dropped a few words, like, “If you wanted to,” and _persuade me_ to go there. If you can’t make me follow you down that path, at least allow me to follow your words. Give me an incentive to go that way. What is so special about the road? Where does it lead? Something to ponder. Hopefully, you cover this as I go on. 

 Ex.
“You could walk for about five minutes in that direction and wind up in the spot where the road disappears beneath the loam.”


That’s intriguing. In fact, it now makes me believe you already know from experience. Quite the bad ass! Well, if I _could_, now - perhaps, I _should_. You see? Now, I want to know more.







 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Hell, if you do it soon our paths might cross.




 Wait, but which direction did _you _take? The other way? I am a little confused here. I can understand leaving one spot sooner to reach the other in time to cross paths. I am not sure how or why our paths would cross. I am not sure about the significance here either. 







 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
We could exchange a glance or a word of greeting. I’m wearing a black sweatshirt and tired blue jeans.




 That’s cool. Okay, perhaps we could, given we do cross paths. Keep the exchange sweet and simple. Does the self-description imply that, if I do decide to go, I should look for you? I like the imagery depicted here. You’re building a character that doesn’t want to stand out from afar. You want to blend with nature.








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
But for its few fading urban scars, this forest is devoid of the markers of humanity.




 Ah, that’s intriguing. A little confusing, but interesting. Urban scars. I live near the urban life. What constitutes an urban scar? Damaged infrastructure? Man made erosion? Overexposed, over-utilized public access? What makes these ‘_urban scars_’ fade? Neglect? Overgrowth? I like that word. _Devoid_. The “markers of humanity” is strong here. Perhaps, strong for others. I can get a gist of what you’re saying. You’re speaking with a collegiate tone. It might be a hit or miss for others reading. They may or may not be lost here for interpretation.


*Advice:* Tone it down a bit.








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Long since disconnected from the grid, the lamps that once watched over the roadside are no more than benign skin tags. The earth looks restless, dirt rallying in mounds at the edge of the tarmac.




 Wow, I feel as if you’ll need to throw some rope down this deep trench. I am getting lost as I descend deeper into your words. The vivid imagery is absolutely on point. The concept behind a grid system, or a map, of the forest (Earth) to the lamp posts as useless light fixtures is impressive. It might be too much for other readers. If you remove, “Long since disconnected from the grid,” you can easily express the same message without all this confusing language.


 Ex.


*“The lamps that once watched over the roadside are no more than benign skin tags.”

*
Okay, so this tones it down a bit.  ‘Skin tags’ might be confusing for someone. Not everyone has and/or understands this dermatological terminology.








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I’m heading back to town. I ignore the urge to take my hands from my pockets and rub my fingers together instead.




 Okay. We’re moving somewhere. Is this implication that it’s cold?








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
 The sensation is dull, like when I decorated my room with Mum.




 I can understand the relevance of a sensation after rubbing fingers together. I am not sure about the dry humour here. Does it matter, especially for the sake of the story, when you decorated your room with your mum?








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
There was paint coating my hands before I’d even finished the skirting boards.




 So, why are we swaying through different scenes here? You go from inspiration sparked from a picture prompt (perfectly understandable) to hands being rubbed together to painting walls. I am slightly confused here.








 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
It had a thicker consistency than Sally’s blood, but I have no other basis for comparison.




 What’s the significance behind comparing the paint with Sally’s blood? Intriguing. Mysterious. Not sure what to say here.






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
There’s a light up ahead. Is that you? Maybe I’ll wave as I pass you by.



This is interesting. It almost invites the reader to the scene as the main subject arriving.






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Well, if that _was_ you, you weren’t very forthcoming. I grinned and you made eye contact for a brief moment before giving your attention back to the road.



The most intriguing element behind word choice and tone is discovering the writer’s personality between the start of the sentence and the period. I can feel you. I can almost hear you say these lines. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Not a flicker of a smile nor a tilt of your head. I’m sure I’d have noticed.



Does that bother you that I didn’t acknowledge you? 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
 It’s dark but your features were illuminated by the torch in your hand.



What torch? Am I a smoker? I am intrigued by your word choice. I am deeply intrigued by your focus. Why take note of my illuminated features? Is there something you miss? 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Then, maybe you’re just distracted. I was distracted a few hours ago, when I was heading that way. Where are you going?



Perhaps, I was. What happened a few hours ago? Is there somewhere I need to be?






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
You actually look a little bit like my neighbour. You could be him. That’s unlikely, though. The guy doesn’t leave the house without that dog trailing along in his wake. I’m certain you wouldn’t like it. Yappy little thing.



You have a lot of weird loopholes here. You’re reflecting upon an image that was previously seen before the illuminated features. I am not sure where this story is going to take me at this point. It’s almost as free spirited as the car ride. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
You know what? I’m gonna keep you company. I stop and close my eyes. I want to savour this.



For a minute there, I almost lost my train of thought. This line would be ideal had it lead to an intimate exchange. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I shift my weight and swing on the ball of my foot, a clean 180 degrees. I suck in great gulps of air through my nose. I open my eyes and you’re a dot in the distance, but it’s enough. 



I am totally lost here. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I take my hands from my pockets. I don’t feel compelled to look at them at all, any more. I take a step towards you. Then another. Then six more. My pace quickens with my breathing. My arms are pumping, a blur of red. You’re still a bobbing light, but you’re expanding rapidly.



At this point, I am just nodding. Nodding in agreement. Nodding off to sleep. I am not even sure if we’re out of the car or on the road by foot. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I can see the reflection of the torch beam on your waterproof duffle coat. You’re turning, perhaps to greet me. You turn away, _again_. That kind of pissed me off the first time but I’m over it now.



The ‘torch’ requires clarity for Americans. Do we all realize this torch is a battery operated flashlight? Probably not. Some might see the light burn from the torch they know rather than beam (as a projecting light source). 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I can see your expression, or lack thereof. You’re rooted to the spot right where the road dissolves into nothing. Now you’re on the ground beneath me. Your eyes are wide like Alex’s were when those bastards tried to brainwash him. How are they staying open like that on their own? 



Wait, who’s Alex? What bastards? Why would they do that?  I don’t know what’s going on. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
I don’t think we’ve ever spoken before. I want to find the perfect words for you. The first words you hear me say will be the last words you ever hear. Don’t blame me. You could have just said hi. 



Don’t find the perfect words. Let them find you. Why does this sound like a premeditated murder?






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
“I buried your dog next to Mrs. Hinkleys Cat, in case you were wondering.”



How is this .... I don’t even know. I am totally lost in the woods. 






 Originally Posted by *Boofy* 

 
Well, I always did have a flare for the dramatic.



Dry humour. Indeed, an intriguing read. Thanks for sharing.

*Author: anonymous
*
*Story: A Well-Traveled Road*
 SPaG: 4
 Tone / Voice: 3.6
 Effect: 4
 Overall: 11.6


 I am intrigued with your title. It’s loaded with possibilities and opportunities. Now, guide me down this road. 






 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
_When did you get on this road?_ The voice inside his head was dry, like old paper. Not his own.



I like the opening line. I am not feeling the “old paper". What differentiates old paper from young (new) paper? For as long as the paper is preserved, old paper can still have the characteristics of new paper. If it’s not his voice, who’s voice is it? Intriguing. 






 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
“Does it matter?” he said. Real words. Out loud words. The first he’d spoken in – well, how long had it been? He was surprised to find he couldn’t remember. Not for sure. Days maybe? Weeks? Certainly not weeks. No.



This drags a simple message across too far. Find the significance behind the voice, the real loud words used, and hand them over. 







 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
_No?_ That dry paper rustle again. Soft, but louder than the rhythmic _clop-clop-clop_ of his boot heels against the cracked, but well intentioned asphalt on which he walked.



I can sense the imagery of the sounds against the asphalt. What are the asphalt’s intentions? Do you mean he intended to walk on this asphalt? You would have been more effective if you had written, “- of his boot heels against the cracked asphalt.” Deliver it with confidence. Less is more here. 






 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Cully felt pleased with himself, but the pack was digging into his shoulders, its weight pushing him forward down the gently sloping highway, through a bubble in the mist which hung like thin, grey drapes between the naked trees flanking his path and veiled the road ahead.



Okay, here we go. This has a lot of information. Is it necessary information? Well, break it down. 
 1. Cully felt pleased with himself (a moment of self-pleasure) (not necessary) 
 2. But the pack was digging into his shoulders (omit, ‘but’ here)
 3. its weight pushing him forward down the gently sloping highway (this entire sentence is implied through the digging)(omit sentence) 
 4. through a bubble in the mist which hung like thin (what is going on here?) 
 5. grey drapes between the naked trees flanking his path (omit, not neccessary) 
 6. and veiled the road ahead (the veiled imagery is already described by the drapes) 
 Okay, see. There’s a lot. Cut it down to, “The pack was digging into his shoulders as he descended further along the sloping highway.” You may add anything else around this, but don’t keep the original ideas. They don’t add anything to your story. 






 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Maybe it was the quiet of the forest. Maybe it was the pervasive fog with its faint chemical scent of burned rubbish. Maybe something else, something as nearly remembered as a disquieting dream, but the question frightened him.



“Maybe” implies uncertainty. A reader generally wants the character to face challenges despite the risks. Be confident. “It was the quiet of the forest. It was the pervasive fog with its faint chemical scent.” How do you know it’s a scent of burned rubbish? What kind of rubbish? Home waste? Brush? You can clean this up nice without the uncertainty. 






 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Like an encouraging hand, his backpack pressed him forward.



This only emphasizes what was previously said. The ‘encouraging hand’ was digging into your character. Now, it’s ‘pressing’ his back. Be consistent. It’s not encouraging if a hand digs into you, but through subtle guidance. Omit this. Not necessary. 







 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
_It’s a simple question. As simple as asking where you first stepped onto this road. Or what it is you carry in your pack?_



This isn’t necessary either. This is something the reader doesn’t need to ponder unless they wanted to look further into the question, “What day is today?” In addition, the reader should have already pondered about the contents in the pack from how it was described. 







 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
“I’ve been headed here for a long time.” _A very long while_, the dry voice agreed.“On this road for a long time...” For the first time,



Do you see how this flows?  “For a long time. A very long while. For a long time. For the first time...” Take a moment to reflect on your transition. It’s very distracting. It’s almost like a song. The reader can easily become lost here. 







 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
...even though the trees lining his path were dead and bare of any leaves, the road itself was free of detritus. Moss encrusted cracks laced its surface like the net of veins on the backs of the old farmer’s hands, and the pavement was worn by the tread of countless feet, but no fallen twig or withered leaf cluttered its shoulders. “What road is this?”



Let’s cut this back a bit. 
 Try, “The dead trees lining his path,” instead of “the trees lining his path were dead and bare of any leaves.” The implication of dead trees cover ‘bare of any leaves.” You’re redundant if you include this. I admire the imagery behind the old farmer’s hands. I don’t think it adds anything, but extra words to read. You have a lot of potential to refine this into something smooth and easy to the eyes. 

 The ending was bland. Nothing exciting, nothing new. The same character treading with a heavy backpack of mysterious contents. I am sorry. I anticipated a better read simply from the title. You gave more credit to the road itself, but shined the spotlight on the character struggling to carry everything on his shoulders. I like the connection to the prompt. You didn’t look at it, and spark random inspiration. You definitely took something from it, described a taste of it throughout your piece, but the delivery could have been better. Thanks for sharing.


*Author: rubisco*
*Story: Fitbitten *
 SPaG: 3.4
 Tone / Voice: 3.1
 Effect: 4
 Overall: 10.5


 The title is interesting. I almost read, ‘frostbitten’. I also see the term, ‘fitbit’. I am not sure what the intent was behind the title, but I’m curious to find out. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
A sharp chill wind blasted through the bare trees lining a sad road during the autumn dusk. Some lone leafs still hanging on for dear summer gave up the ghost and listlessly drifted upon the wind to inevitably clot together and clog some gutter further down the broken road.



I find this intriguing. You’re another entry using, “bare trees,” “lining” and “road.” I suppose that’s going to happen with a direct image. You also give off the autumn vibes here. I am not sure about the leaves hanging on for dear summer. Wouldn’t they know the environment is changing without them? I am confused with the way ‘ghost’ is used in this context. I am not sure about using ‘clot’ with the way leaves travel together. I can envision clogging road gutters. That’s when leaves would ‘clot’ anything for that matter. I admire the overall imagery for the introduction. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
Marvin hurried down the road, walking as fast as he could, not even noticing the shadows darting between the trees. He was running out of time. Waving his arms like a maniac, pushing against the horrible headwind, he powered forward. 



Ah, a character is introduced. Hello Marvin! What’s the hurry? Where’s the fire? What is the significance behind the shadows between the trees? ‘Darting’ is a fierce word choice. This implies a specific time during the day as the sun is positioned nearby. Then, there it is. “He was running out of time.” See? That connection with the reader is on point. Good job. I am not sure if the last line adds anything. In that context, Marvin is depicted as if he was losing his mind. It almost sounds as if he is running away from something. What is chasing him? What is causing him to act or behave in such a manner? 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
After all, his coworkers would kill him if he arrived to work tomorrow 5,000 steps short of his activity goal. 



Okay, wait a minute. Are you serious? Is this literally going to happen or a figure of speech? What is an activity goal? He’s not in a fraternity. Why is this taken seriously? I can now connect with the title here. The following sentence confirms this connection. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
He lifted his right wrist to check on his progress. It was the wrist with his watch on it.



So, does this imply that he’s “killing two birds with one stone” by seeing his progress and the current time? 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
It was stupid moments like these that made him feel his coworkers always expected him to fail. Well, fail he might some days, but not today!



*First, watch the tense: *
 It was a stupid moment like this. 
 They were stupid moments like these.
 Be consistent. This also depicts a casual tone. Try to refine the message and deliver it strong. If he fails some days, let those be the past. Be confident that it will be today. 
 Ex.
“Marvin’s coworkers always expected him to fail, but he was determined to prove them wrong.” 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
He lifted up his left wrist and checked in on his Fitbit. 2,227 steps. he needed to make 7,000 before work tomorrow, and the sun was already setting. Well, there was nothing he could do but put one foot in front of the other along the broken and worn dotted line in the middle of the road. 



Omit ‘up’ and “in on”. When you lift an arm to check something, essentially you’re lifting it up. “Checked his Fitbit”  works fine. Why is there a period after steps and a lowercase ‘h’ in ‘he’? The ‘well’ here seems too casual. “Shit happens, you know?” vibe. Obviously, there was nothing he could do other than continue doing what he has been doing. What can he do at this present time to at least do something about his attempt? Should he give himself a moment to relax? A ten minute breather?  Does it matter that the dotted line (in the middle of the road) is broken and worn? Why not just omit, “in the middle of the road”? 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
“Just wait until Emily and Pete see how far I walked today!” he whispered to himself, as to not disturb and anger the wind threatening to push him backward.



At this point, I would expect Marvin to be out of breath. Whispering seems reasonable. I am lost at disturbing the wind. I would omit everything after ‘himself.’ 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
“What was that?” He looked around and seemed to see the naked trees for the first time. “Or a better question . . . where am I?” Another hairy blur darted across the road behind him.



Uh, what? Didn’t you already introduce these naked trees in the beginning? Now, he’s completely delusional? I like the concept behind the hairy blur. It’s not just any blur, but hell .. even I can fit this description with a birthday suit! 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
“I’m sure it was just a bear,” said Marvin. He kept walking. Bears were friendly and nice. All they did was eat honey all day. Sweet, soft, and cuddily-wuddily. Two more shadows ran between the trees to his right side, kicking up crunchy leaves into the air. A harrowing howl reverberated through the forest.



Seriously? You’re just sure it’s a damn bear? Marvin, it’s a BEAR. Okay, that’s the catch. They were friendly. What about now? This description sounds a bit juvenile. Try coming up with something more engaging. Ex. “Bears are friendly omnivores searching for honey.” Although most bears are omnivores, I would assume this one would be. The other description is too much. It threw me off a bit. I was envisioning a pink room with stuffed bears. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
“It sounded like that sound came from the moon.” He shrugged and continued to walk. 3,000 steps, boo-yah.



This is driving me insane. Why? Marvin, you know the sound didn’t come from the moon. Why are you casually cheering yourself on when it’s dark and mysterious? I would blow up my Fitbit just to save my life from these mysterious events. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
Then he heard the growls. “Odd,” he muttered as he rubbed his protruding stomach, “why would my stomach be rumbling? I ate just two hours ago.” He pulled a candy bar out of his pocket and started eating it just in case. He was so prepared for this walk his coworkers would be impressed for sure when they heard about it.



I don’t know what to say. Marvin, you’re naive. Just in case? Dude, it’s a candy bar. How does this make him prepared? There’s a lack of information here unless it’s dry humour. 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
He hummed to himself as he ate his candy bar as he walked on and on. 3,500 steps, oh yeah!The hairy shadows started to circle around him and close in.



Okay, break this up. 
 1. He hummed to himself
 2. as he hate his candy bar
 3. as he walked on
 4. and on 
 Please tell me why this drags to carry out a simple message. Marvin hummed as he ate his candy bar. We already know he’s walking. If anything, he should be running. It’s dark. The trees are dead, and his senses are almost described as peaked and alert. Fight or flight. Why is the spacing awkward here? The casual, ‘boo-yah’ and ‘oh yeah’ are distracting. You might have been too carried away and forgot about simple grammatical rules. Now, we’re stuck at an awkward position. Poor Marvin. It wasn’t his stomach. These weren’t friendly bears. What will happen next? 






 Originally Posted by *rubisco* 

 
“Mam, we have some bad news. We found has wallet, watch, and step tracker, nothing else. We’re sorry.”



We found what? Small minor typo here. The ending? Well, that’s sick and twisted. They’re not even mourning over the loss. They’re being disrespectful. Poor Marvin. I expected more from this piece. It lead the reader into awkward moments. You can definitely build more to this story to make it more substantial. Now, going back to the title, I can sense a play on words with ‘forbidden’ and ‘-bitten’ in the sense of being eaten alive. 
 Thanks for sharing.


*Author: StoneFrog*
*Story: The Raven's Road*
 SPaG: 3.2
 Tone / Voice: 3
 Effect: 4
 Overall: 10.2


 When I read this title, I see one dominant black bird guarding a road. I am looking forward to seeing this play out. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
Among the looming shadows of the weakening day, from the same black cloth, another was made. Rising and falling, a current against an ebony sea. The fluttering of wings, the only sound as it lands, perched near the road. The tree’s round mass between the fading light, shroud-wrapped, waiting for the task set.



Inspiring sentence starter, intrigue me more,  blah blah blah, and then bam! Cloud of confusion. _- plays sound effects -_ What is the same black cloth? What other one was made? If you’re trying to create color to a different way of saying, “night” - please just say ‘night.’ It sounds more poetic than prose. We strongly recommend prose. I admire it. It’s deep, but my shovel is not suitable for those trenches. I really admire ‘ebony sea’. The last line is another cluster of confusing words. Please be clear. What is the task?  






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
A unique time, laid out in tales and folklore of this region, though now mostly died out with the eagerness of the modern life. Generations distorting the landscape and details, such a mark which snakes through the trees. One that has not always been there, but by now has been there a fair time. The observer still holding his watch, he too made of this moment.



What makes the time unique? What tales and folklore?  What region? What is causing modern life to feel a sense of urgency? What generations? Are you generalizing? I am so lost here. I am not even sure what to suggest first. What hasn’t been there? Are we still talking about details? What is going on? What exactly does he make of this moment? Look - before we continue - I am going to suggest this. Read what you wrote. Burn it down. Collect the debris. Rebuild. When you write prose, select the words in an artistic way. Find significance in every word you offer to your story. 
 Let me break this down for you. 
 1. A unique time 
 2. laid out in tales and folklore 
 3. of this region 
 4. though now mostly died out 
 5. with the eagerness of the modern life. 
 Seriously, whatever you’re taking, I might need to prescribe some. You’re in a whole new world. Before I start singing a Disney theme song, please invite the reader into this world. I can get a sense of you interpreting the prompt picture. That’s awesome. I am glad this has sparked from the visual. I am not entirely impressed with the flow of random words. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
Tapping - tenderfoot down a dirt path, a girl just past the gates of adulthood. She’s lead by the tales, of which variant I know not. Was it a wish to be fulfilled, or a trial of youth that drove her here? At the roadside she stopped, the low light casting shadows hiding her features, long red hair curled down her face.



Okay, we introduce a female character. Past? Passed? Why not just say, “young woman”? A girl is a girl until a certain age. Okay, I get that. If the age is important, don’t refer her as a girl. Don’t give the reader more than they can swallow. Those gates are foreign for someone not understanding English. Unless “Adulthood” is a place, there are no gates for the “stages” of maturity. Again, what tales? Well, what do you know? Who are you? Should you know? Why bother mentioning you don’t know? Who granted the wish anyway? Where is here? The unknown region? Again, I hate to destroy creativity, but there’s more verbosity than a story told. Reread. Refine. Reconnect. 
 Ex. 
 A young woman with long red hair, descending across her face, stopped at the roadside and illuminated under the low light. 
 Writing should not be a guessing game. Writing should not be used to throw words at readers and hope they understand. Guide us. Give us a reason to stay. Don’t make us work for the story. Give us the story and guide us through it. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
The blue glow of her phone surrounded her hand, her attention absorbed. Soon the colour drained from her silhouette, leaving a blue glow to distinguish her from the trees. A slight mist had settled in the trees, the winged observer unsettled. Breaking the anonymity of the shadows, he rustled his feathers and squawked. Soon after he darted through the shadows, diving in protest at the girl. He broke his task of a spectator, now a participant. A quick turn in the air, the broad flight feathers spread out wide. Again he releases a lance toward the girl.



Okay, this is a nice visual. It’s a modern day setting. You can also reword this as, “Her attention was absorbed by the blue glow of her phone.” It would imply that she was holding her phone close. The second ‘blue glow’ seems redundant. Is it that difficult to distinguish her from the trees without the glow? I admire the ‘winged observer’ as it ties into the title, but it’s ambiguous. When you mention darting through the shadows, you meant the shadows from the trees? Why would he “dive in protest at the girl” - what did she do? Who gave him this task? Who does he work under? I am not exactly sure what’s going on, but it’s almost like a Hitchcock movie. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
“What the hell?” Her arms flailing.



Try a different approach. Action + dialogue. 
 Ex.  
 Her arms flailed. “What the hell?” 







 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
The blue glow now left her hand, her absent feature sat on the ground.



Is this necessary? The phone doesn’t necessarily have to drop to lose the glow. It can have a set timer. I have this feature set for less than a minute to save battery life. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
The black assailant found itself back among his shroud, I felt he was still not eased.



Are you, the narrator, watching from afar? 







 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
Brushing off the dirt and leaves, she checked for lack of functions in the device.



Not trying to be funny, but it shouldn’t be _that _dirty and it shouldn’t be _that _malfunctioned. I wasn’t aware the impact was bad. Was it necessary to say that the sky was getting darker? This is generally going to happen over a duration of an event. Thus, the believing part is adding anything else to the story. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
In fact, the truth is that there towered another by her side. Without a single sense being triggered, a tall slender woman now stood but a breath away.



In fact .... the truth ... these are redundant. Take a moment away and state what you need to say. When you mention, ‘another,’ I am not even aware of another human until you introduce the other woman. Come out and say it. “A tall slender woman stood by her side.” You don’t need to drag the description further. 







 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
Finally, the new presence noticed by the girl, she launched her legs out, an effort to gain some distance; instead causing her to stumble onto her side. Dressed in a white gown adorned with gold embroidery, the slender woman stood unmoved.



I am not sure why or how this adds anything to the story. I don’t know anything about this woman other than being tall and slender. Is there a reason to gain some distance apart from each other? You depict this woman with some form of class with gold embroidery. 







 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
“Where did you come from?” A wisp of panic still in her voice.



The wisp of panic would be implied from the non-verbal cues with how she stretched out her legs. This doesn’t add much to what was already expressed.







 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
Before any response could be made, the squawking shadow leapt into action again. Instead of the girl, jabbing and clawing at the woman. More ferocious than the efforts before, every possible effort being made to lunge. My hand forced, a spirit of my binding would attack a Noble; It had to stop.



At this point, I am not sure what response to expect. Why bring up the girl? Come out and say, “The raven attacked the tall woman.” Is that even the source of the squawking?  The title shouldn’t imply what the story entails if the story has nothing but descriptions of a dark bird. It’s rather frustrating. It’s okay to tell us within the prose if it’s a raven or even a crow. This mysterious flying creature should have been clarified already. 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
The black spirit turning its wings to once more lash out, feathers under the strain of flight suddenly fell limp. A single black feather bound by a red ribbon circles in the air - all but it remains of the winged shadow.



Now, you describe the bird as a ‘black spirit’. What is going on? Why caused this hostility? Is this simply from territorial instincts? 






 Originally Posted by *StoneFrog* 

 
A pulling sensation gripped my chest before I knew it, I was no longer in my study. Cool air and crunch of dead leaves now under foot.



What study? The view? Why does this even matter? Who is the narrator and what significance do they have for the story? The master of the bird? Why haven’t they done anything for the women? Okay, this was interesting. I’ll give you that, but it certainly requires more clarity. Thanks for sharing.


 Author: Rookish
 Story: *Fallen Leaves*
 SPaG: 3.5
 Tone / Voice: 3
 Effect:3.5
 Overall: 10


 The title could be improved. What’s so great about a few leaves descending on the ground? Autumn has always been the most inspirational season to witness as a resident in New England. Colleges and universities use this time to advertise their residential life. Don’t cut the season’s potential short. Sell the season, sell the story. 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
A duality of realities. My senses shift between the hallucinated and the physical. 



But ... what? Why? What is going on? 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
These two worlds exist upon one another, they exist as I trudge forward into the ever-swirling mists. 



What two worlds? Hallucination is a world? Physical world? What mists? 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
They exist as memories of the past urge me to turn away from the inevitable.



“These worlds exist as memories of the past.” The context of, “urging” “to turn away from the inevitable” is too abstract. We need clarity. You have too many abstract ideas here. You’re introducing the reader into something from your own imagination. 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
I will not turn back. Trees, naked save for their withered bark, scratch at the sky as my bare feet embrace the tarmacadam. Jenny taught me that word, Jenny who had always been so fond of words. I wailed on the day she was buried, wailed as my love was doomed by gravity’s claim on the freshly dug soil.



I love how the picture prompt has inspired most of the entrants to describe the trees as naked. Jenny seems like an interesting character. “Gravity’s claim on the freshly dug soil” is abstract. What does this mean to you? I have a few interpretations. They might be different. 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
Now the colours have returned, distorted branches meeting in the mist, horrifying in their radiance. I remember the Balinese cremation, her first published article.



What colours disappeared? What Ballinese cremation? Jenny published an article? 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
Her silent words fill my mind until there is space no more. Her fragmented face mocks me from the trees, a mute malignity emanating from the one visage that I hold sacred above all else. The road flows beneath me, it flows onward while I yearn for the past. It is only as my legs snag on a root that I realize dead leaves have become the path on which I now tread. As my face is forced into the damp corpse of what once was autumn, I scream.



What is going on here? Could you reread what you wrote and try to come with a concrete message behind this paragraph? Why does Jenny matter to you? Why should she matter to me? Damp corpse? Intriguing ideas here, but I am as lost as Dorothy after her house was blown into another dimension. 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
In the darkness, I see John’s boy.



Who is John? 






 Originally Posted by *Rookish* 

 
... the barrel is a frozen finger of death.



What does this even mean? Death has fingers? Death’s fingers are frozen? 
 Intriguing yet I am lost at words. There are way too many unanswered questions. I would like to know more about Jenny. I would like to know more about the narrator. There were more abstract concepts than concrete. This became distracting from start to finish. You have a lot of potential to refine these abstract ideas into something any reader can understand. Step into each sentence, take a glimpse of each word, and question the importance. 
 Ex. 
 1. “A duality of realities.”
What makes reality in a form of two? Two of what? 
 2. “My senses shift between the hallucinated and the physical.”
What exactly are you trying to say? Elaborate here. Don’t make the reader guess. 
 Keep this going. Question every word you chose. Question the reason why it’s there. I am not even sure what to say here. 
 Thanks for sharing.


*Author: Anonymous*
*Story: Hm*
*SPaG: 3.1*
*Tone / Voice: 3.1*
*Effect: 3.1*
*Overall: 9.3
*

 What’s on your mind? There’s nothing special about your title. It’s meh. It’s different, but there’s nothing calling my name. I hope there’s more to the story. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
"Oh. I see." She reached a long, slender finger outwards from the hem of her dress. Gently, she brought the tip of it to bear against a dry wooden thorn, attached to the stem of a rose, itself growing off of a vine, crawling this way and that up a million tiny cracks in the road, the pavement warm, bathed in the yellowish glow of the autumn sun. The thorn pricked her finger. A bead of blood welled up. "So pretty."



We are introduced with a female character along interesting dialogue. It stems from exactly how I felt about the title. Omit “-of it’. You can say, “She gently brought the tip to bear against a dry wooden thorn...” Then, I stumble upon verbosity. Is it necessary? Break it down with me. 
 1. Gently, 
 2. She brought the tip of it 
 3. to bear against a dry wooden thorn 
 4. attached to the stem of a rose 
 5. itself growing off a vine 
 6. crawling this way 
 7. and that up a million tiny cracks in the road
 8. the pavement warm 
 9. bathed in the yellowish glow 
 10. of the autumn sun 
 Wow, that’s a lot to swallow. Take a moment to look this over. Notice, you can connect and refine a lot. Between 9 and 10, “Bathed in the autumn sun” works just as well. Why do we need to know it’s a yellowish glow?  Isn’t that a common shade for sunlight? 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
"Don't touch that." He said. His voice cracked with concern, but she took it for irritation. Biting her lip, she reached out and upwards with her arms, stretching out and meowing like a cat. She lay back onto the pavement. Thorns and brambles scratched and bit into the fabric. The loose gossamer of her dress did nothing to prevent their stabs, and they tore at her skin. She made herself comfortable. The man cursed, and spat. "Stop that." he said, coming over to her.



You have a few mistakes here. 
 1. It’s, “Don’t touch that,” he said. 
 2. Watch the tense with ‘lay’ as you’re previously using past tense. 
 3. Again, “Stop that,” he said, coming over to her. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
She looked up at him from atop her bed of thorns. He stood above her, his feet north of the crown of her skull, his brows furrowed. "Why should I?" She purred. "It's actually not that bad, the pain. It feels good. You should try it." She brought her finger up to her face, and slowly wrapped her lips around it. They were moist and red, and in the drafty, yellow haze, one could not distinguish flesh from blood. "You'll never feel it." She said.



Why not just say, “The pain is not that bad.” You will eliminate a few unnecessary words. A comma after drafty isn’t necessary.  You can still say, “and in the drafty yellow haze,” before pausing ... again. Omit, “She said.” Watch how you use this phrase. Excessive use will do more harm than good. As long as you connect the reader with the dialogue, you should not have to worry about who said what. The reader will follow more without it. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
He shook his head, and walked away from her, until he was alone a little further down the wood. The road had broken up into chunks. Large sections of asphalt lay scattered here and there, conquered and claimed by the invading brambles and vines. Off to the side of it, the ground sloped suddenly downward, and was covered in all manner of leaves, and underbrush. He found a spot on the pavement, right at the edge of the slope, and sat down.



You can omit, “off to the side of it,” and begin with, “The ground, covered in leaves and underbrush, sloped downward.” This will also eliminate other unnecessary words. Make sure to express the story as precise as you can. Treat every word as significant importance. Don’t throw words into your story if they don’t add anything. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
There was something in the air. It stilled and made sleep all manner of things in the forest, but the insects were immune. They crawled in the underbrush, chittered with each other via the vast, dense network of roots and colonies. They slithered and wriggled, and climbed, and jumped and hopped, crept and croaked, and loved, lived, laughed, died. The sound was deafening.



I am not sure if all these descriptions are necessary. You express the cycle of life. Why not state it as that rather than describe what insects do up to their death? How do you know insects love and laugh? For most readers, it would be cute to relate to insects. I don’t know about you, but I would stand clear from women with black widow instincts. Child support is simply sacrificing as a main course meal rather than a payment plan. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
"It's... so... quiet..." she placed her arms around him, having followed him up the path. Having caught him in her embrace, she leaned in, and kissed him slowly, passionately, on his neck. "I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?" She asked. Her voice was warm, caring, though he took it for mischief. It did not matter, as gently, and slowly, he untied the laces on his boots, and with some effort cast them aside. He did the same with his socks, until his feet and legs lay bare in the mulchy undergrowth, touched and tickled by the cold and brittle breeze. She saw him do this, yet remained quiet for some time. "You're going to get hurt." She said at last.



Ah, now you’re sensual. Weird transition after discussing the life of insects. I suppose black widows have me down to cuddle, myself. Butterfly kisses? Don’t mind if I do. Again, watch the dialogue. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? she asked. At this point, you already describe her voice after “she said,” which becomes redundant. Refine this line, “he untied the laces on his boots,” to “he untied his boots’ laces.” Short and sweet. How would he do the same with his socks? His socks aren’t laced. I think I get what you’re trying to say. Again, no need to say, “She said at last.” 
I honestly wish there was more to this story. You left me out in the cold. There’s so much potential to develop the characters and create something special between the two. I was so thrown off with the verbosity, and craved more of the story. Thanks for sharing.

*Author: Anonymous
*
*Story: Serendipity*
 SPaG: 3.9
 Tone / Voice: 4.2
 Effect: 8.9
 Overall: 17


 The title might be foreshadowing, but I am intrigued. Let’s see how this happy story unfolds. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Look around you. I mean, look the hell around. We are in Bum Fuck Egypt, AKA who the hell knows where, Illinois. My car is dead, we’ve got no food or water because your ass forgot that we alternate bringing food, and I brought the food last time. We’ve walked two damned hours, and we haven’t seen or heard anything but what I hope, God I hope, are coyotes.



Wow, thank you. Thank you for taking my interest and carrying it with your words. I am not a _big _fan of The Walking Dead like my sister, but I can connect with this story well. I was almost sold on perfect SPaG. You forgot to end your dialogue with the appropriate closure. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“You’re not going to say anything?” He said. 



I am admiring this fast paced read. The dialogue is great. Then, bam! No need to capitalize ‘he’ here. It’s not Jesus. It’s Ernie. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Seems the driver tried and failed to avoid the falling tree, ran into that tree there, and the tree the lightning struck fell on top of them, anyway, and smashed the truck,” he said pulling two pairs of latex gloves from the pack, lifting one to Ernie.



“And the tree the lightning struck fell on top of them.” Well, you tell me. Which came first? Try to watch these minor errors. They’re minor, but they add up in SPaG evaluation. They also hinder your word count. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“What you got?” Ernie said as he came around the truck.



It’s not so much what he said, but what he asked. 
 Wow, you almost had me. This was one of the most fast-paced reads thus far in our monthly challenge. The dialogue was on point and it carried the same tone with the show. Trust me, it rubbed off on you. That works in your favor. It was an engaging read, but I would slow down a bit. There were a few areas that should have never happened. You might have been too eager to submit the entry. Overall, from start to finish, I couldn’t have asked for a better story. Thank you.

*Author: Anonymous*
*Story: What Did You Expect? (mature content warning)*
 SPaG: 3
 Tone / Voice: 3
 Effect: 4
 Overall: 10


 Well, I am not expecting anything at this point. The title seems to draw something mysterious. It might even imply a letdown. Before I begin, I notice the format of your entry is going to be an issue. After briefly checking the word count, I can understand why you felt it was required to condense everything close together. Two words is two words. Are you testing the judges? Anyway, let’s begin. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Scott ran as fast as he could, glancing behind his shoulder in fear. 



Immediately, you place the reader on the road. You allow us to watch Scott run in fear. Try to bring more out from this line. Be Scott. Get inside Scott’s head. Feel the fear before you pretend to express it well. I am curious to know what’s chasing him. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
The road was wisened, cracked and weathered. The trees were ancient towering braches, puckered and wrinkled with age, that curled, leefless, around the heavy fog, casting shadows on the dark road. It was ghost-quiet, not even a bird dared open its beak for fear of disturbing the heavy silence.



The road is not wise nor is the character running for his life. ‘Wisened’ comes from ‘wise’ in the form of a simple past and past participle. What you wanted was, ‘wizened,’ which comes from something more closely related to the context of an old road being in the condition it was destined to become. Braches? You mean, ‘branches,’ right? The latter derives from a hunting dog. Leefless? Leafless? Okay, break this down a bit. 
 1. The trees were ancient towering branches 
 2. puckered and wrinkled with age 
 3. that curled, leafless, 
 4. around the heavy fog 
 5. casting shadows on the dark road. 
 Read it over. Shred it. Recreate this line. Ask yourself what’s more important. The second line doesn’t add anything the minute you wrote ‘ancient’. 
Ex. 
“The ancient towering trees, swayed with curled leafless branches, began to cast shadows on the dark road.” 
At this point, the heavy fog isn’t necessary. You can effectively express a stronger message without the extra words. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
. It was ghost-quiet, not even a bird dared open its beak for fear of disturbing the heavy silence.



How do you know paranormal activity is quiet? I am sorry. These lines are amusing. Why would a bird hesitate to squawk during heavy silence? Wouldn’t the bird try to communicate to see if anything else is out there? Why would a bird fear for disturbing silence? I have yet to find a bird like that. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Scott kept running, his feet kept scrambling over potholes and roots. He would prefer to face this creepy forest than turn back. This place was far more pleasant that the group of his classmates who were chasing him with malicious intent. The sixteen-year-old picked up the pace when he heard hyena laughter echoing though the forest.



Oh, he’s still running? Despite the whole time describing the ambiance, which should have been depicted before Scott was introduced, he’s still wailing his arms. Interesting. Poor guy must be tired. How bad were the potholes and roots? He seriously couldn’t run around the potholes? Well, he doesn’t have much of a choice, now does he? Hold up. 
 Break down. 
 1. This place was far more pleasant 
 2. that the group of his classmates 
 3. who were chasing him with malicious intent 
 Did you mean, “than” vs. “that”? Try to omit the verbosity here. 
 Ex. 
“This place was far more pleasant than being chased by his malicious classmates.” 
 ‘Classmates’ is already implied as a group. So, that eliminates clutter. If someone is chasing another with intent, they themselves, are malicious for having malicious intent. Intent is inside. So, express this with less. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Oi, faggot, get back ‘ere!” a gruff voice yelled.



Okay, now. Here’s the fun part. The author (YOU!) are finally rubbing into your story. I am sensing you’re from the UK, perhaps Scotland. This explains a lot of the grammatical issues previously discussed. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Scott kept running, looking behind him again. His foot caught in a pothole. Scotts ankle jerked and twisted, and he fell to the ground. He felt his knee scrape off the tarmac.



Okay, stop. Make Scott do something else or don’t remind us. Yes, he’s running. That hasn’t changed. We’re waiting for him to catch a breath of air. This imagery is great. Instantly, we’re on the ground with him. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Get up, he told himself. Get the fuck up.



When you want to express thoughts, try to separate them from the dialogue or narration. Use italics to differentiate between the sentences. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
He needed to get out of here. He needed to run.



At this point, we’re aware. We don’t know why, but we’re aware. Not necessary. Omit. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
For some reason, Jeremy and his little group were the only people in Searoad High who had a problem with Scott.



Is, “For some reason,” important? Omit. Make this sentence stronger without it. ‘Dickheads’ should be italicized. Again, it’s more of Scott’s thought process rather than the narrator. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Alright, Blowjob?” sneered one guy. His name was Kyle, a guy who’d failed everything since first year.



Failed everything?  Okay, I get first year is ‘freshman’ year. ‘Everything’ is too ambiguous. Why would he still be in school if he failed everything? He’s wasting taxpayer dollars. #GTFOKyle






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Actually, he felt quite ill now.



Omit “actually”. This has no added value. Does mentioning being bruised help the story at all? It seems like it would come naturally with the events leading to the bruising. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Jeremy’s mouth crashed onto his.



Before we dive into anything intimate, I would hate to use ‘crash’ to describe the preparation. Have you ever felt someone’s mouth _crash _into yours? The jaw crashing against another jaw isn’t romantic. 
 Okay, so, I am a little confused here. This was a story of a teenager who hasn’t come out,  yet ganging up on another teenager who might have with the help of other teens. Bad cop / good cop to some degree. How far did they chase him? Don’t these kids have anything better to do? There’s a lot of unanswered questions here. I will definitely give you credit on the overall effect. It could have been a better story had you cut out unnecessary words. The poor kid kept running. That’s all we ever knew until the others caught up. Lots of potential, but not enough to say, “I like that story!” 
Thanks for sharing.


 Author: *Ibb*
 Story: *The Irritating Benevolence of the Vegan New Age Nature Bitch*
 SPaG: 4
 Tone / Voice: 3
 Effect: 5

 Overall: 12


 Your title is quite the mouthful. I am a big advocate for benevolence. I am not sure about the rest of the title. Lots of ambiguity. Moving on. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
I wanted to die. I at least wanted somewhere to cool off. I scuttled from leaf to leaf, flittered from branch to branch, cowered inside any and all pools of shade, even plopped down onto the earth and dug out my own little trench in the soil, pressing my legs and belly as far down as they’d go in search of a sweet air conditioning-like sanctuary; all of it, ultimately, to no avail. Alas! It was just too fucking hot.



Intriguing introduction. I almost envisioned someone locked in a sauna. Omit ‘down’. Not necessary. If you’re going to press any part of your body, it would be implied that your belly would be included with your legs. I am distracted with all these words. The main message here is that it’s brutally hot outside, and you chose to dig a trench to stay cool. Why not just come out and say it? Why did you allow the reader to wait this long to find out something simple? 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Finally I smashed into a screen door and fell between patio cracks. Hallelujah! Sweet darkness enveloped me and laid me on my back. I was happy; I could die here; I waited to die.



I am totally lost at this point. Where are we? What screen door? 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Wafts of the coolest most delicate air changed my mind and spurred me into frenzy. I rolled onto my stomach. What was this? A tickling of cool sensations rolled over my head and back. I traced the ephemeral stream back to its sacred source. My head bumped into glass. Sweet Jesus! I bumped it again. Then I bumped it a_gain_, backing up and resuming the butts until at last I hit not glass but open air, falling face-first into oblivion and landing with a thud onto my back onto the surface of a cardboard box. I wiggled until I was upright. Left; right; left-right; left-right left-right; leftrightleftrightyoufuckingmotherfuckerleftrightl eftrightleftfuckingright―aha! Upright. Cool at last. I reveled in my new domicile. 



I admire the creativity and originality, but this adds nothing new. You’re still trying to cool down. You’re looking for some form of refuge out of the heat. You’re somewhere doing something the reader has yet to find out. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
I had a sudden craving for light. I flew up the stairway towards an open window, landed on the sill, and basked in my new retreat. Voices bickered in the nearby room. 



This now sounds like you were deprived from light. Where is this stairway? Are we in a building or outside a building? I was thinking outside. Great. We have company. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Be free, little bug!” I was trapped on a napkin and the napkin undulated as she shook it. I clung to it and beat against the current with my wings. “That’s it!” she shouted. “That’s it! Fly!” Just kill me, I thought. Just fucking kill me. The currents won and took me spiraling towards the grass. I cursed the vegan new age nature bitch before crashing into the field. The door closed behind her. I appeared ten minutes later at my same spot on the windowsill.



Oh. Kay. I am starting to see clarity in this piece. You called her [insert title] because of how she wants equality for every living organism. ‘Gotcha. I’ll admit, this is an interesting concept, but it should have not been dragged this long. If this was a motion picture, it would have been fine. It is rather difficult to understand you were a bug until we were introduced with this new idea. 
 The ending was enough to get a few laughs. Despite the cracks, and missing clarity, it was an enjoyable read. I instantly connected to a hot room with a bickering couple. Thanks for sharing.


 Author: *CJL4307*
 Story: *Saturday Stroll* 

 SPaG: 3.9
 Tone / Voice: 2.9
 Effect: 4.9
 Overall: 11.7


 Where are we going? I feel like a puppy. I am excited. Take me with you! The title seems like any other _Saturday stroll. _I hope this becomes an adventure. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
My eyes were captured, a winding and twisting expanse of battered and war torn pavement lay before me.



Okay, I am trying to enjoy this, but I don’t want to be dragged again with verbosity. Try to explore other alternative routes (no pun intended). Now, start with a foundation
 Ex. 
 I was captivated by a battered road. 
 Work around something like that. Is there anything significant about the war? Try to express the importance without all the extra words. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
 Framed with fallen leaf, haunted by looming branch. I wondered aloud to myself at the destination. Exercising everything within me to pull my eyes away from the decrepit trail, down to my GPS and back again. The wind continued to howl. Beating down on my already broken frame. My simple Saturday stroll had morphed into a jaunt of despair and I swore then that I would never listen to this blasted device again. The hollow voice taunted me,



Fallen leaves? By [ a ] looming branch? Omit the wondering. As the reader, I am doing the same thing, and I expect you would know. The next line is exaggerated. Are you really exercising everything inside? Is it that difficult? What happened? What caused this despair? Your GPS gave you the wrong directions. Okay, move on. #1stWorldProblems. We need to refine a lot of this, and come out with clarity. You’re lost. You blame a TomTom for being an issue. Now what? I admire the voice of the GPS still communicating despite being stranded somewhere. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
How on earth had I gotten here? I couldn't help but extend my greatest grimace, fist to the sky. Cursing the blackest of all clouds. Yes, Google itself, directing me and my unsuspecting persons to the “middle of nowhere, USA.” 



Okay, I suppose this adds something meaningful to the story. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
I pondered, maybe a little too deeply, stroking my beard and weighing the options. There was forward... I paused, looking ahead at the uncertain path, or hmmm forward….? The second time through I couldn't help but feel slightly more unsure. The uncertainty played my heart like warped strings on an out of tune harp. Even the accompanying eerie music playing in my head was very much like what you'd expect to hear from such battered instrument. 



Now, this adds perspective. Unless you’re a bearded lady, we received some basic description of the person involved. Other than rambling, I have nothing else to add to this. As we move further down, it’s constant rambling. I admire this line. 






 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Don’t ya know that pie don’t stay warm forevah!” The croak of her voice echoed around the inside of my head.



This was absolutely warm and sentimental. I can relate. Overall, the ending was weak. The story was weak. You can easily write this story in a paragraph. There was no conflict other than a mishap of technology. I can deeply understand how you connected the prompt with the story, but there was a lot more room than just become stranded in the middle of nowhere (USA). If this were a motion picture, we would only have one scene and it would be extremely boring. There were a few abstract words and phrases that distracted the flow. Try to make more concrete examples. Connect the reader, next time. Put my ass in the back seat of that car. Make me salivate to the sound of grandma calling us over for freshly baked pie. Then, you’ll captivate the reader. 
 Thanks for sharing.


*Author: Greyson*
*Story: Memories in Mist*
 SPaG: 4.9
 Tone / Voice:  4
 Effect: 3
 Overall: 11.9


 This title is intriguing, yet abstract. I am curious to see how this unfolds. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
almost as if it’s the call of a siren and I am the poor soul lost searching at sea.



You guided the reader into a decent introductory paragraph until we reached to this line. Omit. This is distracting. It’s not necessary. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
the fog swirling like water around my boots



I admire the visual, but it’s not adding much to the story. If you want to bring out the ambiance, give it to me. Give me the fog. Stop comparing. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
the grey umber of the sun drowning in the blankness of it all, I find solace. Somewhere in there, buried within the layers of silence, is beauty from a past life.



Wait, cool your abstract jets. We need concrete ideas. Focus on something the reader can understand without you explaining everything. 
*
 For example, *
 1. Why would the grey umber of the sun drown in blankness? 
 2. What are layers of silence? How would we measure silence to produce layers? Is silence woven from strands of whisper? 
 3. What beauty? What past life?








 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
 like a scar on the world from a slow-creeping disease.



Okay, again, why? Have you seen a scar on the world? I am sure the world has a few scars, but how are they represented? When plates move, what would those scars look like? Erosion is to an open wound as _____ is to a scar. Stop creating abstract ideas. Focus on concrete examples. The reader will have no clue what you’re saying unless they dive into that creative brain of yours. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
At one time the whole road was flush with the vivid, beautiful colors of life. The trees, now hollow guardians, were once overburdened with leaves green as emeralds, peacefully swaying with a lilting breeze. Robins and sparrows had chirped harmoniously in a chorus, drawing you further in and lifting something from your shoulders. You would begin to feel lighter as you ambled forward, as though the air held some medicine that led you down a rabbit-hole to bliss.



What colors would these be? Is brown one of the colors of life? Is it a beautiful color? What constitutes beautiful colors? If all colors are beautiful, what’s the point of emphasizing the beauty if it’s already implied? I like that phrase, “hollow guardians” as well as “green as emeralds.” Brilliant. Wait, drawing who? Me? I was there? When was I invited? Maybe _*you *_were drawn, but I was certainly not there. Again, would I? Would you feel lighter? What on Earth is “rabbit-hole to bliss”? Again, stay away from abstract terms. If you’re talking about hallucinations, give me that description. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
Time had changed everything, obviously, leaving behind only the ravaged corpse of the forest. But still, standing there in the pre-dawn air, breathing through my respirator -- for the air was most toxic here, nearest my village -- I felt the same bliss I did all those years ago. The beauty was still there, it was just lying dormant, in wait of someone to feel it. It hung in the air, through the cold-edged bite of winter. It lay in the shattered pavement, twisted and perverted from years of disuse following the calamity. Somewhere, beneath the sorrow and pain of the present, lay remnants of the past. There was a sort beauty in this silent state of decay.



I admire this paragraph, but I am not sure what’s going on with the story (itself). We’re just standing in the middle of a forest embracing what is left behind from years of civilization. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
 If anyone else was around, I wondered if they would take me to be a specter, floating cautiously through a place it had once traversed with almost fiendish delight.



If anyone else was around, in a location desolated as depicted, they would most likely perceive you doing something else. How would your character perceive anyone walking alone? 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
The colt .45 dangling in its holster at my right began to feel foreign, its heavy tug no longer offering the comfort of security, and instead feeling more like a loathsome burden. A reminder of the present.



Well, what’s the present? As the reader, I am not as connected as much as you anticipated. 






 Originally Posted by *Greyson* 

 
First, I had to save the others, all those who couldn't give themselves a cold, leaden peace. Grace, Alan, my family, my childhood.... I had to deliver their final ticket to peace before I was allowed to rest myself. Then I could give into the silence, and feel the beauty once more.



But why? Why are you trying to save them? What is going on? I must have missed something. All you describe was a forest from the past and the same forest from the present. You literally took the picture prompt, wrote whatever came out from it, and stayed there. You didn’t create much of a story. You created a moment to ponder other moments. You left me with unanswered questions. You introduce characters at the end, which provided a sense of community and familial commitment. This would have been more effective if you introduced them sooner. There’s too much emphasis of the fog. I get the mist is part of the title, but excessive use takes the reader away from everything. There wasn’t much to take from this other than the cycle of life. 
 Thanks for sharing.


*Author: Sleepwriter*
*Story: Satisfaction Guaranteed *
 SPaG: 4.9
 Tone / Voice: 4.9
 Effect: 7
 Overall: 16.8


 Slap that label! Bam! Whether or not you wanted to give that impression, your title advertises some form of customer service. I am intrigued. 






 Originally Posted by *Sleepwriter* 

 
Charlie Brewster loved being a traveling salesman. Maybe it was his southern upbringing, but he believed in looking someone in the eye while giving them a firm handshake



Nailed it! You caught my eye with the title. I gained the right impression, and you sealed the deal with a firm handshake. Not just any handshake, but everyone in retail should know the significance behind a firm handshake (and a smile). Nice touch. 






 Originally Posted by *Sleepwriter* 

 
When Charlie Brewster shook your hand, you had his personal guarantee in complete satisfaction.



But .... I don’t know Charlie. Maybe when _he _shook hands with _you_, that’s how _you _felt. I couldn’t say that’s how _I _feel. Are you sure we’re feeling the same handshake? 






 Originally Posted by *Sleepwriter* 

 
He said as he shook her hand.



Try to give the reader, as well as Ms. Melby, that desirable handshake. Don’t just shake her hand. Mean it like you introduced it in the beginning. You can omit as this is implied anyway. 






 Originally Posted by *Sleepwriter* 

 
He thought he saw David smile.



This was a nice subtle approach. It was almost as if you were doing him a favor. 
 This was an interesting story. I was engaged from start to finish. I get the idea that someone deceased cannot complain, hence the high sanctification, but I am slightly confused with the intent behind the serial killings other than monetary gain. Whatever the documentation said, it might have implied that it was okay to kill them. I am a little uncertain with the profession. Attorney? That would make more sense. Anyway, thanks for the engaging read. It was refreshing. There were a few characters I wanted to shoot off the road before approaching your entry. Glad to see someone else do the dirty work.


*Author: W.Goepner*
*Story: A Hunting Trip*
 SPaG: 3.9
 Tone / Voice: 3.9
 Effect: 5.9
 Overall: 13.7


*Hey Bill,
* 

 The title is mysterious. I am intrigued to discover more about this trip. 






 Originally Posted by *W.Goepner* 

 
On the road from Montgomery to Dothan Alabama, half way between Troy and Ozark.



I’ve been around Birmingham, Alabama. Thanks for the fond memories flashing back at me. It’s a nice setting.






 Originally Posted by *[B* 
W.Goepner;[/B]2007575]Is a little country road. In the late fall the fog hangs around for most of the day. It almost dissipates in late afternoon only to return by evening.



Is a what? It’s? Is this your dialect coming through or are you trying to depict one? The fog gives a nice imagery along the country road. 


			
				[B said:
			
		

> W.Goepner;[/B]2007575]It settles back in as the sun descends in the west, the land nearly takes on the swampy rain-forest feel.
> Bill, why are you ‘it’ happy? What settles? If the reader had to put a bookmark down to answer a phone call, they would have to reread this over. Try to define or refine.
> 
> Example Break Down
> ...


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## Ariel (Jul 2, 2016)

Congratulations everyone!


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## Rookish (Jul 2, 2016)

By all the gods, great walls of text... : D
My gratitude to all the judges for taking the time to score each one of our entries.

This was my first LM...upon seeing the way in which it is run, the great variation of prompt interpretations and the raw excitement as one awaits the results, Rookish will definitely do this again.

 Well written, all, it was truly intriguing to see how 19 brains interpret one image.


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## Terry D (Jul 2, 2016)

"...aaaand it's a swing and a miss." LOL. Thanks to all the judges, and congratulations to the winners. Excellent work. I thought I was being way too obvious with this one, but, instead I was too obscure. I certainly thought I'd give the story away with my comment on, "...well intentioned asphalt..." What road is it that is paved with good intentions? A road leading always down, into a hot smokey place, with his baggage pressing him forward.

What the hell, ya can't win 'em all.

Congratulations again to the winners, and, as always, many thanks to the judges.:salut:


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## DruidPeter (Jul 2, 2016)

This post has been deleted by the user.


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## escorial (Jul 2, 2016)

rock @n roll........


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## Sleepwriter (Jul 2, 2016)

A huge thank you to the judges: PrinzeCharming , squidtender, and  midnightpoet, and our host who pulled double dutyas judge  kilroy214.  

We have some great writers on here, and I'm deeply humbled by the outcome.


Prinze,  the handshake was important part, just couldn't come up with the words to convey it at the time.  No, he was not a lawyer. 

Squid, Yeah, I over wrote this one a lot.  Dulled my machete cutting it down.  I'm also going to need a larger cook top for all the things I have sitting on the back burners.

Kilroy, can you tell me where the punctuation error is? Need to make sure don't do that again.   I wasn't sure about writing out the caliber of the gun, took a chance.

Midnight, a silenced .22 is as quiet as a bb gun, even quieter with the right load.


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## CJL4307 (Jul 2, 2016)

Wanted to add my deep felt thanks to eveyone who made this possible! Writing something meaningful in such a short space was an incredible challenge and while I fell short, I am grateful for the learning experience. Moving forward I will certainly seek to incorpate all of the judges wonderful advice and I look forward to bringing out my best this next time around. Thank you again to all of the judges for their dedication, a well worked effort by all!


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## Harper J. Cole (Jul 2, 2016)

Don't think I've seen a closer finish than that! Good work, everyone. :thumbl:


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## rcallaci (Jul 2, 2016)

Much appreciation and thanks to the judges. This was one hell of a lot of judging to do and you all did a spectacular job. Thank you Prinze, squid, midnight and a  double thanks to kilroy our host as well as judge. Gentleman please take a bow. And prinze you wrote a book you went above and beyond-your crits are in a class by itself.

Congrats to our very own sleepwriter- kudos to our second placer joshybo-one fine piece. I'm extremely happy for Goepner. His dedication and perseverance  paid off. He has improved after each entry and in this story he shined. Soon he'll be a powerhouse... 

I ran short on this piece. I agree that the first paragraph was extraneous but When I write I have no idea where the story is taking me. And before I knew it the word count caught up to me. I made it a dream but all of it really happened. At least in this writers warped mind. The monster put them in their room but they both woke up in wonder- they had a glimpse of the beyond....


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## Blue (Jul 2, 2016)

Congrats and well done to everybody, and especially thanks to the judges. Ye did a great job!


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 2, 2016)

*Congratulations **Sleepwriter, 
**Joshybo and W. Goepner! 

**Honorable Mentions *
to all the entrants 
who have submitted 
and gave _everything _they had inside. 

I know, I too, gave it back in return!

*Special Thanks 
*to the other judges 
and our awesome host. 














​


rcallaci said:


> And prinze you wrote a book you went above and beyond-your crits are in a class by itself.










Thank you! In fact, 
my critique word count
 came up to a sum of ...

*17,337 words! 

(In case anyone was interested)*​


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## midnightpoet (Jul 2, 2016)

Congrats to the winners, this was a fun challenge.  Great writing, everyone and special thanks to the other judges and Kilroy.


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## W.Goepner (Jul 2, 2016)

Well it proved a point. I write for the joy of writing. I told myself I was not going to be over critical of what I write. I laid it out and did it. I definitely am a pantser. I had intended the mc to be a ghost, one that had a unfortunate happening just around the corner. But when I decided that I had already wrote the desire to have someone stop. I had to ask myself, would a ghost wish for someone to stop. No so the ghost became a dog and how they got there. The title was decided once I had the reason for the incident. Yes I wrote that completely from and idea of a accident just out of sight around the bend.

Thank you judges and congrats to Sleepwriter and Joshybo, It is nice to find myself in such company.


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## Greyson (Jul 3, 2016)

Wow, just...wow. Thank you to all the judges, your hard work and dedication really shows through with what you all put out (and for 15+ entries!). Congrats to sleepwriter, Joshybo, W. Goepner, and everyone else who submitted something. Great writing all around honestly, now I just have to figure out how to write an actual story for these short story entries!


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## joshybo (Jul 3, 2016)

This was definitely a close race, but I'm just happy to have placed at all!  There were a lot of quality pieces this month and it was great seeing such a large turnout.  Congrats to Sleepwriter & Goepner!  You both definitely earned it!

A huge thank you to the judges and especially kilroy for his double duty!  All of the feedback I received was, as usual, on-point as well as incredibly helpful and encouraging.  I'm looking forward to next month, and hopefully we will continue to see this competition grow and flourish.


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## bdcharles (Jul 3, 2016)

Great comp, great feedback, congrats to the winner and thanks to the judges


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## godofwine (Jul 4, 2016)

Congrats to all of the placers, and thank you to all of the judges. Your feedback really helps all of us become better writers. Before I started here I thought I was pretty good, like a four-star football recruit just getting to college. He steps on that field at the next level, and then realizes how much he has to learn. 

I feel very much the same way. 

Practice makes perfect, and I'm still searching for my perfect practice.


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