# 02/16/09 - "Follow Your Heart" Scores



## Hawke (Mar 12, 2009)

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to *alanmt*, *C. Gholy*, and *Tiamat10* for judging this round. Also, a huge thank you to *eggo* and *C. Gholy* for  the prompt and to everyone who submitted. Fine stuff here, people. Well done!

And now, your LM scores.











Non Serviam - 20, 15, 16, 17 = 68 - Average = 17
The Backward Ox - 16, 18, 18, 18 = 70 - Average = 17.5
inna - 14, 16, 16, 16 = 62 - Average = 15.5
adrianhayter - 15, 16, 19, 19 = 69 - Average = 17.25
Pandora’s Head - 16, 17, 20, 18 = 71 - Average = 17.75
bryndavis - 16, 16, 16, 17 = 65 - Average = 16.25
SevenWritez - 18, 19, 17, 17 = 71 - Average = 17.75
Tarantula - 14, 15, 15, 14 = 58 - Average = 14.5
Garden of Kadesh - 17, 16, 15, 16 = 64 - Average = 16
GunslingersRequiem -  17, 19, 16, 17 = 69 - Average = 17.25
thesarafurter - 16, 16, 15, 16 = 63 - Average = 15.75
Alanmt - N/A
eggo - 19, 18, 18, 19 = 74 - Average = 18.5



_*First place: eggo !

Second place: (tie) Pandora’s Head & SevenWritez !

Third place: The Backward Ox !*_

Congratulations! 


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.
~Hawke


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## Hawke (Mar 12, 2009)

_*C. Gholy's Scores*_


It was really fun doing the judging this time. :smile:

Title: Silhouette/Untitled Screenplay 
Author Non Serviam 

WOW! 
Teacher/Student relationships has been something I've been interested in quite a lot. I like reading about it because of the drama element. I just loved the encounter with Mrs Patel and Louise. Now I am very interested to know about the affair between Lousie and Rajesh, and how Rajesh must be feeling right now. I understand his mother's anger very well. 

You've handled this very well without it seeming over the top. And I just loved the last line of dialogue. I also appreciate you for making this a script format as I don't see a lot of them here.

Score: 20/20


Title:Follow your heart?
Author: The Backward Ox 

Hehe, I found this piece to be really amusing. When I read this, I had the idea that Morgan was a member of WF and saw the LM and this was his response. I think this has been cleverly written here. 

Score: 16/20

Title: Follow your heart
Author: Inna 
I spotted a typo, just a i that should be capitalized. 
Nice little piece here, I did however feel a bit cliché. But the second reading made it clearer to me. I like the plot idea. The guy seems to be in such a mess. 

Score 14/20

Title: Sweet Deal for me
Author adrianhayter 
This felt like a cowboy song for me. I liked the first part because I thought it was funny and it had some nice imagery. It was crazy, but I liked it. Some of the lines made me smile but the last few lines made me giggle. Does my score look like a sweet deal for you?
Score:15/20

Title: Heart Attack 
Author: Pandora's head 
I thought this was clever and creative. I liked the idea. I think the repetition of the red-haired woman could be fixed, but that's just me. I liked the twist in Louise's character. The murder was unexpected, indeed. 

Score:16/20

Title:The chase 
Author: bryandavis 
Kinda thought provoking. Felix sounds like one of those male wannabe prostitutes. I did like the sentence “Felix hated lavender, but I hated his B.O. ” Good on her for leaving, I'd say. I'm not too keen on guys like Felix. I do think this it was a nicely written piece. 
Score:  16/20

Title: Could it think? 
Author: Sevenwritez 
I loved your choice of words here. Some great Halloween imagery cropped up as I read, making me think of a cool horror movie.
Score: 18/20

Title: Big Black Box
Author: Tarantula 
The lack of space made it kinda hard to read. Aside from that, theme was interesting. It reminded me of soap operas like Eastenders. I did feel the dialouge was a bit odd and the wife sounds like a whore. 
Score: 14/20

Title: The Black Market” 
Author: Garden of Kakesh 
In the first sentence, I think you should cut the A out as I feel it's unneeded. It's a pretty first paragraph. “Glistening with sweat” is nicely worded too. The flashbacks were cute, too. I could definatly understand Santiago's anger. 
Score: 17/20

Title: Jeremia's man 
Author: Gunslingersrequiem 
Very sadistic piece here, the violent in this piece I found to be impressively handled. I was reminded about some history about they tried to abolish witches. Great effect and evil tone. 
Score: 17/20

Title: Change of Pace
Autjur: thesarafurter 
I thought this story was cool. I found it believable. His friend surely does believe the advise: follow your heart. The relationship sounded interesting. This read like a well-written blog for me. 
Score: 16/20

Title: Code of honor 
Author: alanmt  
I found this for have a really nice flow. I like Sir Ceslinus' character. I think this is a lovely piece and some beautiful word choices. It felt epic to me. <3

Judge 's Entry

Title:The Hunt  
Author: Eggo 19/20
I liked the mood set into this piece. The flow gave a nice effect and helped with the mood. The story really had a winter feel. 
Score: 19/20


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## Hawke (Mar 12, 2009)

_*alanmt's Scores*_


Non Servium:   Untitled screenplay

15

I think that the script format works less well than prose for telling a short story, because it is so dressed-down that style elements are neglected, particularly in a piece such as this where the communications are so direct. The confrontation between the characters is an emotionally charged encounter, and the reader does fill in the blanks between the bare communications. The story held my strong interest throughout. The only criticisms I have are that the dialogue seemed clichéd in parts, and the dialogue reflects a civility that seems disconsonant with Mrs. Patel’s anger, although my perception could be due to English/American cultural differences. I wondered why Louise didn’t try to convince Mrs. Patel of the course of action she should take.

The Backward OX:   Follow Your Heart?

18

Funny piece, with excellent style and – from an insider’s standpoint – lots of cleverness. A writing contest entry about a chain of consciousness about a writing contest entry. I think the idea isn’t particularly creative, but it is executed magnificently.

Inna:   Follow Your Heart

16

I think the first “hearts” should be “heart”, and the “I” in the 10th line should be capitalized. I love your description of the other woman. But, there should be less of this:

I love her with a kind of love that I have never felt before. 

And more of this:

She is difficult to please, she changes the rules as she goes along, she only drinks expensive wine.

The transition from the man’s thoughts about his girlfriend to those about his wife seemed awkward; maybe it was just too abrupt


Adrianhayter:   A Sweet Deal For Me

16

I am way too literal in personality to judge this poem properly. I really liked it but was distracted by the plotting and logic inconsistencies that couldn’t be explained away by the nonsensical whimsicality of it. The insect imagery is fantastic, but the banking business troubled me. 

Pandora’s Head:   Heart Attack

17

This is a story that is well-told, and keeps the reader guessing. Clever title. There are a few minor distractions – the semi colon in the first paragraph doesn’t seem right to me, and the hyphen in “blue-eyes” seems odd. I think the second to last paragraph needs some reworking. In particular, the phrases “as if from nowhere” and “what she wanted” at the beginning and end don’t do the event justice.

Bryndavis:   The Chase

16

This piece had some problems in continuity for me – the use of language suggested at one moment a woman of sophistication and the next moment a woman lacking the same. There were some occasional nonsequiters which threw me off, like “I’m always concerned they’ll get violent”. Felix does come alive in the description, wonderfully so. 

I do want to know – where did she go in for the night? 

This is my favorite line of the piece and reminds me of Joseph Heller’s Catch 22:

Felix was one of those once-in-a-lifetime sort of men, the kind that comes around at least twice a year.

SevenWritez:   Could it Think

19

This was fantastic. My only quibble is with some of the wording and phrasing. For example, “rejoice” ought to be “rejoicing”, and “the moment was brief then vanished” would be better as “the brief moment vanished” and “naught” seems like it ought to be “for naught”. In another work these little issues might be more distracting, but this tale just washes over them like a tidal wave.


Tarantula:   The Black Box

15

The presentation of this story was sloppy – words misspelled, paragraphs not indented, no line breaks between paragraphs, punctuation occasionally missing – and it is a shame, because there was a lot to like about the writing here. Sleeping with the bosses’ wife is an old tale, but the freaky box puts a unique enough spin on the situation. The style of this piece is great, the images you have created are vividly, coarsely evocative. The last line is tantalizing, but slightly irritating in its ambiguity. (Of course that may just be me wanting to be told exactly what happened and how it happened.)

Garden of Kadesh:   T*he* Bl*a*ck Ma*r*ke*t*

16

This is a solid story, with no obvious problems of any kind. It is good. I enjoyed it. But for some reason I can’t adequately explain, it failed to transcend good to exceptional. A few notes: There should be commas before names in conversational quotes. “Is that you, Santiago?” The ending was a little abrupt. Did he intend to kill Tobias but change his mind, having an epiphany of understanding what his wife would want?

GunslingersRequiem:   Jeremiah’s Man

19

The imagery starts off too forced and artificial (“the wrath of its entrapped shards of glass”, “eyes are like singed candlesticks”) but the author quickly finds his voice and the rest of the story is very well-told. Should “rendering” be “rending”? Very good work.

Thesarafurter:   A Change of Pace

16

This starts off a little awkward, almost as if the protagonist is making a statement for a police report. I think the language needs to be loosened up a little, played with a little more. Overall, the piece was endearing and brought a little smile to my face.

Alanmt:   Code of Honor

0

Utterly without merit

Eggo:    The Hunt

18  

Very well-written story; with a lot packed into a few words, although it felt like there were a couple gaps, some critical information left out. I don’t have much to say about this one. Chilling.


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## Hawke (Mar 12, 2009)

_*Tiamat10's Scores*_


Yeah... so I never wanna have to score an LM all at once ever again.  :razz:

Non Serviam - Untitled Screenplay

This piece kind of sneaks up on you. I like that. I also 'like' (doesn't seem like the right word) how the teacher doesn't agree to stop with the statutory rape at the end. I don't have any 'nits' as such, but since it's a screenplay and this is just a short excerpt, it feels awkward. I mean, story-wise, it stands alone, but I don't know that it would work as a screenplay, being as short as it is.

16/20

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The Backward Ox - Follow Your Heart?

I may have to take back what I said about you not being funny, because I chuckled a few times while I read this. I love train of thought writing. I also like how you addressed the theme without actually addressing the theme. Well done, that.

18/20

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inna - Follow Your Heart

I thought it started out kind of interesting. Then when the MC rambled on and on about how perfect his life with his wife and kids was, I kind of wanted to puke. Then, a split second before it happened, I thought, "This guy's in love with another woman." So it lost it's impact because I figured it out too soon.

16/20

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adrianhayter - A Sweet Deal for Me

A very quirky, hilarious read--one that made me both frown and smile while I read it. Kind of sad that no one buys his heart though. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere. And I'm giving you a bonus point, because after I took the whole thing at face value, I re-read it and ended up thinking a lot harder than I'd planned on.

19/20

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Pandora's Head - Heart Attack

Jesus Christ. I actually said that out loud at the end of your story. Jesus Christ. You really packed it in there, didn't you? First you hit us with the dramatic, "You have my boyfriend's heart" thing, and then you sideswipe us with something completely macabre. I love that! Excellent story. Easily my favorite from this LM. 

20/20

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bryndavis - The Chase

Certainly an interesting ending. One I didn't quite see coming. I did spy a few things wrong along the way though. "I took to my bathroom window". I think that's supposed to say 'look'. And also - a metrosexual with body odor? Maybe you know different metrosexuals than I do, but the ones I know practically bathe in cologne. 

16/20

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SevenWritez - Could It Think

Wow. I have to admit, I didn't really enjoy the story while I read it, but after I finished it and got to thinking about it, that was quite a ride. Naturally, I had to read it again and couldn't help but like it the second time through. I do think the prose is a little overdramatic and at times convoluted though. It could stand to be cleaned up some is all.

17/20

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Tarantula - Big Black Box

Before I even read this, I took a point off because of the headache I knew I'd get due to the lack of spaces between the paragraphs. Future reference, mate. Spaces.

Anyways, the story itself had its moments, though I knew from the very first mention of the black box that someone's heart would be in it at some point. Parts of this made me laugh out loud though, which is always appreciated in a story.

15/20

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Garden of Kadesh - The Black Market

On the one hand, I'm glad Tobias didn't kill him, thereby making it predictable. On the other, the fact that he didn't kill him was a bit anticlimactic. This is one story that I think would be more interesting if it were fleshed out more. As is, it's not bad, but it's not great either.

15/20

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GunslingersRequiem - Jeremiah's Man

Way too much gore for my taste. Well written, as usual, but not especially compelling for me. I do like how you didn't spell the end out, so I had to think about it a little bit. 

16/20

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thesarafurter - A Change of Pace

I have to admit--If I had a friend that actually gave me the advice "Follow your heart", I don't think I'd call that friend for advice anymore. Anyways, I don't really like how you MC pulls a complete 360 and ends up right back where he started. It makes for a fairly dull story, if the MC doesn't grow or change in any way. It's pretty well-written though.

15/20

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alanmt - Code of Honor

I was kind of disappointed by this. Knights who follow strict codes of honor are supposed to die in a most tragic way. Think Eddard Stark from _A Game of Thrones_.  It's a rule.  :razz:  Tough to do in just 500 words though.  

N/A - Judge

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eggo - The Hunt

Typo in your second line. That's a real bummer. You said 'usually' when you meant 'usual'. But to be fair, you do follow the typo with a really amazing description of the cold night. I didn't really like how the MC turned into a vengeful murderer though. It seemed too easy. Not that you could've done much else with a low word count, but I'm just used to stories that aren't at all easy from you. Still really good though.

18/20


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## Hawke (Mar 12, 2009)

_*Hawke's Scores*_


Non Serviam - Untitled Screenplay - 17
Very topical. Very good work here. It’s a wonder the mother hadn’t gone straight to the police instead of the teacher’s home. Then again, I might have done the same thing - I’d need to see this person face to face, though, like the mother, I’m not at all sure what I’d do when I got there. As for dialogue, perhaps a few more contractions (eg: You have raped my son. = You’ve raped my son.) or tweaks (eg: You have raped my son = You raped my son.) would work a bit better. Even better, after Louise said she’d have to follow her heart, I’d have laid her out (punched her)… or at least really wanted to. *grin*

The Backward Ox - Follow Your Heart? - 18
Ah, writing about a writer writing about the LM Challenge. Cool. (I’d go with the body snatchers idea.) To emphasize a word among italics/thought (_Maybe I could do it._), just don’t italic that word (_Maybe I_ could _do it_.). So this is how your mind works, eh? I’m just teasing. It was a funny and entertaining work. Good job.

inna - Follow your Heart - 16
Nits: “Follow your hearts,” = heart; my wife, the kids and i. = I; “Follow your heart”, she says = “Follow your heart,” she says
Rats—I was hoping for some kind of surprise ending. Would have also liked to have seen more show and less tell, you know? Good writing though. Thank you. 

Adrianhayter - A Sweet Deal for Me - 19
Quirky and funny all kinds of good. Reminds me of the time when my dad put up a triple-layer birdhouse and joked about charging them rent (“No squatters!”). You never fail to disappoint, Adrian. Super job. 

 Pandoa’s Head - Heart Attack - 18
Nits: Too many ‘but’ (three in four sentences) in the first paragraph; be careful of your dialogue tags (“I’m Louise.” She said = “I’m Louise,” she said; “You don’t understand” she said = “You don’t understand,” she said); paranoid might be a better word choice than neurotic. 
Loved the literal title. This work give a whole other reason for not giving out the recipient’s name.  Ah, the power of love… or grief… or lunacy? Good job. Thank you. 

bryndavis - The Chase - 17
Nits: a lot of (intentional?) contradictions in here (wouldn’t miss the pants but would have to return for them; once-in-a-lifetime at least twice a year; cuts up his pants but is concerned they’ll get violent); I know how it’ll end before we’ve even gone back to his and done it = missing a word.
This is one strange relationship. Role-play I take it… or am I missing something? Pretty cute if it is. Pretty weird if it isn’t. Perhaps a little more explanation at the end might clear it up. Thank you.

SevenWritez - Could It Think - 17
Nits: “It took no time to assess its surroundings but rolled towards an open door, leaving a mucus trail in the carpet as it rolled over the threshold towards a descending flight of stairs.” = *on* the carpet, rolled x 2 - might consider restructuring this sentence. Used the word ‘mucus’ a lot throughout. Might want to use something else. 
Cool. The story was not literal, of course—it couldn’t be. But my dog would definitely have used it as a squeak toy. Good stuff here. Neat idea. Thank you. 

Tarantula - Big Black Box - 14
Nits: The last thing she said to me was "I'll see you Sunday lover." as she = The last thing she said to me was "I'll see you Sunday, lover" as she; careful of your semicolon use; its vs. it‘s (it is). Way, way over on the word count, dude (671 by my computer). Gotta watch that, big time. I hate to say it, but other 500 w/c competitions would have deleted your entry outright. Unfortunately, I had to ding you big for it.
Fiction needs to suspend the reader’s belief. This work didn’t really do that for me, but perhaps that’s due to the challenge’s small word count. I’m thinking perhaps going into more detail of the “whatever you required” part, as in if employees or customers have “changed” or something, or maybe by throwing in a word or tiny phrase early on that gives a bit of a hint, like “mystical” or “supernatural,” etc. Tons of potential here. Thank you. 

Garden of Kadesh - The Black Market - 16
Nits: Space after ellipses; watch your dialogue tags (“Oh my…I…don’t…is that you Santiago?” his face was flushed = His face was flushed; etc.).
Damn scammers. They go after one’s kidney’s and such now. I have no doubt they’ll progress to hearts by 2040. A good write, this. Tragic and cool and I felt for the wife, even though her part was brief. Well done. 

GunslingersRequiem - Jeremiah’s Man - 17
Nits: rundown by carriage = missing a word
This felt like an excerpt from something much longer. Was it? Pretty gruesome, “graphic violence” stuff. Reminds me of the horror stories I’ve heard of and have seen in movies regarding the ‘treatment’ of slaves. Powerful work here though. If it is an excerpt, I’m curious to find out more, like who this Jeremiah is (is he a split of the MC?) and what timeline it is, among many other things. If you wrote it this graphically to serve only as shock value, I’ll be hella mad at you, mister. 

thesarafurter - A Change of Pace - 16
Nits: be careful of your semicolon use; try not to repeat phrases (unsure of what to do)
Hello, thsarafurter. Great to have you in the challenge. I liked this. A touch stinted, but nothing that can’t be easily fixed. Just relax a bit more, don’t over think the words, read your work out loud, and you might find it flowing a little better and the words matching the character a bit more. Contractions help. So does showing the character through the words (finding the character and telling the story in his or her voice). I don’t mean that he needs to sound crass. What I mean is if you want to come across to the reader (me) as him, you have to be him (you have to put yourself in his place and _sound_ like him). To me, phrases like ‘scarcely bear it’ and ’incident in question’ don’t match a boozing womanizer—do you know what I mean? Ah, it’s all food for though. It also might be that I’m overanalyzing the work and stereotyping the guy. If so, I apologize. 

alanmt - Code of Honor - N/A - Judge
Oh man, he’s gonna get the burned at the stake for that, isn’t he? One man’s junk is another man’s treasure… or perception is in the eye of the beholder… or mistakes happen… or whatever. (I’m teasing). A neat twist on a ye ol’ knight’s tale. Kudos. 

eggo - The Hunt - 19
Fun? Ouch. He couldn’t just get a divorce and call it even, eh? 
Kind of a warped The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the MC working his way backward through his life, only with ‘fixing’ as the focus instead of aging. Pretty wild and dark with funny spots. You know I’m just the kind of person who’d love it.


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## SevenWritez (Mar 12, 2009)

Hoo-Ray. I placed!

Thanks Judgdes. Especially Tiamat, for her daring rescue. Now then, off to the chainsaw prompt.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 13, 2009)

Many, many thanks to all concerned; the judges who put in the work and the entrants for their interesting takes on the topic.


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## bryndavis (Mar 13, 2009)

Well done everyone!  It was a fun one.  Congratulations to all winners and all entrants, and huge thanks to the judges.


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## eggo (Mar 13, 2009)

This was a lot of fun as usually, whoops.

Thanks for the comments judges. It's a thankless job you do and a big thanks especially for Tiamat for stepping up to the plate and scoring all these.

Some very good stories here, I'm honored.

I'm also up for judgeship next time.


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## Tiamat (Mar 13, 2009)

Congratulations to everyone who participated, and I really do mean everyone, because you all did something I couldn't:  You came up with an idea worth writing about.

And slightly bigger congratulations to Ox, Pandora's Head, Seven, and eggo.  Well done, guys (and gal).  Thanks for the great yarns.


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## Tiamat (Mar 13, 2009)

Congratulations to everyone who participated, and I really do mean everyone, because you all did something I couldn't:  You came up with an idea worth writing about.

And slightly bigger congratulations to Ox, Pandora's Head, Seven, and eggo.  Well done, guys (and gal).  Thanks for the great yarns.


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## eggo (Mar 13, 2009)

You can say that again


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## Tiamat (Mar 13, 2009)

LOL


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## Non Serviam (Mar 13, 2009)

Congratulations, Eggo!


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## eggo (Mar 14, 2009)

Thanks, Serv.



> Fun? Ouch. He couldn’t just get a divorce and call it even, eh?
> Kind of a warped The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the MC working his way backward through his life, only with ‘fixing’ as the focus instead of aging. Pretty wild and dark with funny spots. You know I’m just the kind of person who’d love it.




Funny. I had a free download of Benjamin Button on my itouch and read it a couple of weeks ago. It's frightening how much of a misogynist Fitzgerald was.


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## adrianhayter (Mar 16, 2009)

Sincere thanks to the judges. I had no idea that after reading all the stuff, the jury would make comments. That’s a lot of work. 

Adrian


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## Pandora's Head (Mar 17, 2009)

Sorry I'm so late thanking the judges for their time and kind words.

I've had flu so I'd forgotten all about it when I first logged on.

I really enjoyed reading the other ents too.

Thanks again

Bless you all

Dora
xxxx


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