# Soul Survivor



## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

*I watched the pond turn to ice
but the seasons are all the same
clouds kissed the moon goodnight
but nothing much has changed

Cold fingers curl around my coffee cup
frost engraves the window pane
a new day creeps slowly forward
but nothing much has changed

The cat still sleeps by the fire
I still sleep alone
the mail still arrives in your name
nothing much has changed

The warmth of Spring will return
but the ice will remain
you will still be just as gone
nothing much will change

I can see I'm getting older
my face does not look the same
years pass by slowly
but nothing else has changed
*


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## sas (Nov 30, 2016)

Well captured loneliness. 


Consider removing "I watched" from first line, or putting yourself at end of line. Why the past tense on first stanza? Think I'd remove "all" from "all the same" ("but the seasons are the same")

Same with "slowly"; aside from my dislike of adverbs, creeps and slowly mean the same.

Can the "of" phrase be eliminated?: "The warmth of Spring", every poem seems to have them somewhere. And, maybe eliminate repetition of "will"  How about?:

As spring with warmth returns
ice inside still remains
you'll be just as gone
nothing much will change

My feeling is that penultimate stanza is perfect for end.  I like idea of your last stanza, but image seems an intrusion on the rest of the poem. Hmmm. 
If you keep, I'd reword just a bit; maybe . . . 

*I see I'm getting older
my face is not the same
years pass by slower
but nothing else has changed*

Not sure if adding another rhyme line above is ok. If not, perhaps:

"slower years pass by"


Sad poem, well expressed.  Hope helpful.  sas
.


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## jenthepen (Nov 30, 2016)

The feeling is so important for me and this poem is beautifully written from that perspective. The heavy melancholy of the mood is there in every line. You really know how to translate emotion into words and I think that anyone who has ever experienced the loss of someone close would understand the thoughts and feelings expressed here.


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## Nellie (Nov 30, 2016)

Juls,

I can feel that you're a "Soul Survivor" thru your descriptive poem. You express your cold loneliness, thru this verse:



> *
> The warmth of Spring will return
> but the ice will remain
> you will still be just as gone
> nothing much will change*



Thanks for letting us in. Well expressed.


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## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

Firemajic;2047733
[B said:
			
		

> _Winter changed the pond  to ice ** I removed "I watched" and "turn"
> but the seasons are the same
> clouds kissed the moon goodnight
> but nothing much has changed
> ...





Thank you, sas... I always appreciate and value your thoughts... 
jen, time moves different, when one is alone... Thank you for understanding... fabulous...


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## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

Nellie said:


> Juls,
> 
> I can feel that you're a "Soul Survivor" thru your descriptive poem. You express your cold loneliness, thru this verse:
> 
> ...





Nellie, I like that you understood why I used cold when describing loneliness... it is a bone chilling cold that comes from inside, and nothing can bring warmth back.. thank you...


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## PiP (Nov 30, 2016)

Fire, I am always rewarded when I read your poems - you have a gift.

I see sas has already mentioned the use of the past tense in the first stanza. Was there a reason you used past?


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## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

PiP said:


> Fire, I am always rewarded when I read your poems - you have a gift.
> 
> I see sas has already mentioned the use of the past tense in the first stanza. Was there a reason you used past?



Probably because I was thinking about the past, as I wrote this... sometimes,, the past, present and future blends into the same feeling....when nothing changes... Thank you, PiP... I appreciate your kind words..


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## Darkkin (Nov 30, 2016)

Originally Posted by *Firemajic;2047733
[B* _

Winter changed the pond turn to ice  Something is off with the verbs in the line, not sure if it's the tense or what, namely the pond turn to ice.  A conjugation issue with turned probably.  e.g. Winter's change, a pond turned to ice.
but the seasons are the same  Why the use of the conjunction but?  It comes across as just a bit pedestrian.  Also, how are the season the same.  As in the cycle repeating, or a monotony of unending dreary weather?  The line is a little vague.  Consider bringing it into focus a touch more.  e.g. a cycle, seasons older yet the same
clouds kissed the moon goodnight
but nothing much has changed    Again, why the use of the but?  As a reader it doesn't do much, it feels like filler.  Try reading the line without the conjunction, see if you can hear the difference.

Cold fingers curl around my coffee cup  Excellent use of sensory input.  Tangible.
frost engraves the window pane  Love this line.  Deft and delicate.  Jack Frost!
a new day creeps slowly forward  Sas, is right about the slowly here.  It weights the line down.  Look at the line and consider what you have, what you want to imply.  Time moving forward.  e.g. lackadaisical dawn ambles forward.
but nothing much has changed  See note on S1L4.

The cat still sleeps by the fire  Distill the use of still in this stanza, your are implying continuity, a routine and its echo of loneliness.  Read the stanza with the first two still, and then read it without.  Can you hear the difference?  Let that still in L3, carry the weight of the stanza.
I still sleep alone  Also, with this line you have a chance to expand you imagery a little, you are just telling the reader what is...Not showing them.  e.g. The bed, two pillows, one dent.
the mail still arrives in your name
nothing much has changed

The warmth of Spring will return  Repetition works well to reinforce ideas, however, the four wills in one stanza is a tad much.  Look at your lines and take a small step back, how can you indicate the return of spring.  e.g. Spring, its precious warmth, a promise
but the ice will remain
you will still be just as gone  
nothing much will change

I see I'm getting older  
my face does not look the same
years pass by slowly
but nothing else has changed

Not really sure about this stanza.  Tonally, you phase out of the almost dreamlike quality you achieve in the prior stanzas.  And this is also the only stanza dealing with the past.  Try reading the poem through with just the first four stanzas and then again with the fifth.  Timewise you go from the future to the past and it is a bit jarring.   And by ending at the forth stanza, you leave the a little bit more to the reader's imagination.  Logistically, you are also moving forward with the pattern as well.  Whereas if you end with the fifth stanza, it feels like you are looking over your shoulder.  Both work, but S5 needs to be brought up to the same level as its prior counterparts.  Bring in the imagery, the recollection, more touches of sensory input...
_[/B]

Overall, a marvelous piece, with a lot of potential.  You have a deft touch, Fire.  Make this piece shine.

- D. the T.


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## SilverMoon (Nov 30, 2016)

Juls, you are the Queen of Angst. Your poems never let me down. Your gift is expressing raw emotion (sans the "pity me bit")Those beautiful, tragic words of yours which are spicy (wake up call), shadowy (more frightening than the dark).

This is my favorite stanza, I guess because it's so close to home.



> * The cat still sleeps by the fire
> I still sleep alone
> the mail still arrives in your name
> nothing much has changed*



From the Mistress of Gloom Xo


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## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

Firemajic;2047733
[B said:
			
		

> _Another Winter turns the pond to ice*** Rewrote this line
> the seasons are all the same
> clouds kissed the moon goodnight
> nothing much has changed ** removed "but"
> ...





Thank you DarKKin, I made some more changes... I will keep working on this.. Thank you for a sublime critique...


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## Firemajic (Nov 30, 2016)

Thank you SilverMoon... I appreciate that you did not pick up a "pity me" vibe... this is just the way it is... relentless...


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## midnightpoet (Nov 30, 2016)

My wife has always said, referring to her many physical problems, she doesn't want pity, just understanding.  You bring out the understanding point quite well.  Good job.

Tony


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## Nihilist (Dec 1, 2016)

It seems as if you're catching the cold that I can't seem to shake loneliness, isolation, alienation.  And no matter how much life changes we always see and find the same s**t by following the cold shiver crawling down our spine.  Keep writing.   Maybe you'll get a break of happiness sound.   Your words touched me and many other,so that has to be a start.


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## Ethan (Dec 1, 2016)

melancholy and introspective piece, the sadness is beautifully understated and all the more effective for it. A touching and evocative piece as ever!


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## sas (Dec 1, 2016)

Nice re-write. 

It is a uniquely done piece. Another might have mistakenly used emotion ladened adjectives to "tell" feelings. You used excellent restraint in only setting the scene . . . and, yet, the reader knew . . . you.


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## Firemajic (Dec 1, 2016)

midnightpoet said:


> My wife has always said, referring to her many physical problems, she doesn't want pity, just understanding.  You bring out the understanding point quite well.  Good job.
> 
> Tony




Thank you for your comments.. I appreciate...



Nihilist said:


> It seems as if you're catching the cold that I can't seem to shake loneliness, isolation, alienation.  And no matter how much life changes we always see and find the same s**t by following the cold shiver crawling down our spine.  Keep writing.   Maybe you'll get a break of happiness sound.   Your words touched me and many other,so that has to be a start.




Thank you for reading and commenting..



Ethan said:


> melancholy and introspective piece, the sadness is beautifully understated and all the more effective for it. A touching and evocative piece as ever!




Thank you, Ethan...



sas said:


> Nice re-write.
> 
> It is a uniquely done piece. Another might have mistakenly used emotion ladened adjectives to "tell" feelings. You used excellent restraint in only setting the scene . . . and, yet, the reader knew . . . you.




Thank you sas , it was a pleasure to work with you, Thank you for helping me polish and refine my work... I appreciate..


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## tinacrabapple (Dec 3, 2016)

Really beautiful poem.


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## Firemajic (Dec 6, 2016)

tinacrabapple said:


> Really beautiful poem.




High praise indeed... Thank you so much...


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