# Long I Sit and Graze My Morbid Shore



## Alex (Jul 31, 2011)

Lonesome is my sun, as is my moon;
Wish to end this dreadful tune.
But before I go, I must see my shore,
 See if it will calm my deathly lore.

Brisk I run to my mellow boon;
 Don't wish to go yet so soon.
Long I sit and graze my morbid shore,
 Ponder why gentle waves sway no more.

Wonder why my ocean is so still,
 Why my heartbeat sounds of nil.
Sit and ponder what was I before
 Sadly I can't remember anymore


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## candid petunia (Aug 1, 2011)

Speaks of loneliness very well--I love rhyming poetry so this worked nicely for me. 



> Lonesome is my sun, as is my moon,
> Wish to end it all by afternoon.


The line here sounds a bit forced to me. 




> Why my heart beat sounds of nil


I'd stumbled here, had to read it twice. I think you mean heartbeat--one word. The 'beat' in _heart beat _would be a verb, but the whole word _heartbeat_ is a noun. You mean to use the noun here.



Love the lines


> Long I sit and graze my morbid shore,
> Ponder why gentle waves sway no more.




Also like the ending. Overall, nice poem. Keep posting.


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## Alex (Aug 1, 2011)

Ahh, excellent advice! Took it well, and changed it up a bit.


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## candid petunia (Aug 1, 2011)

Looks better now.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Aug 1, 2011)

Beautiful descriptions.


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## Elenagance (Aug 1, 2011)

"Lonesome is my sun, as is my moon;
For I wish to end my dreadful tune."
this sounds much more forced. I have to disagree with Candid Petunia. 

Perhaps try "Lonesome is my sun, as is my moon, wish to end it by afternoon" I postulate that "it all" was the culprit.

"Brisk I run to my azure boon;
I don't wish to go yet so soon."

yet can be taken out as it is a culprit. 

"I wonder why my ocean is so still,
Why my heartbeat sounds of nil."

another rhyme for nil maybe?

Otherwise, a very fine piece that provokes beautiful imagery in the readers mind. =)


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## Alex (Aug 2, 2011)

Nice commentary Elenagance, but if I say "Wish to end 'it'..." the 'it' is sort of ambiguous. And 'it all' was the culprit too, so I'll keep 'tune' in until I can figure something less cheesy out. As for 'boon' and 'soon,' those sentences replaced 'ocean' and 'notion,' so it a satisfactory placeholder, and of course I'll think of something better down the line. 'Nil' works quite well for me though.


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## Elenagance (Aug 2, 2011)

Ambiguity is something a poet can get away with. "this dreadful tune" can be seen as ambiguous as well. There is just something off about the second line. Try to work on future projects and pay attention to the rhythm. Rhyming can be a very powerful tool for the writer if utilized correctly


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## Firemajic (Aug 2, 2011)

This poem has wonderful potential...just one question---Why the word "graze" ?--which means to eat grass and weeds--something horses and other herbivores do--they graze..so I was wondering how this fits in your beautiful poem....so if you could clear this up---I feel I am missing something.   Thank you.   Peace...Jul


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## Elenagance (Aug 2, 2011)

Nice sprucing up! It's starting to take a wonderul form.


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## Elenagance (Aug 2, 2011)

Doesn't graze also mean to lightly touch something. Such as "her hand lightly grazed the antique"? I might be wrong but I do believe the word adds a nice verb to something the human eye can do: lightly contact something physical.


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## Alex (Aug 2, 2011)

Much thanks, Elenagance.

As for graze, the word can mean (copied from Google definitions): (of a person) Eat small quantities of food at frequent but irregular intervals (ex. advertisers should not encourage children to _graze_ on snacks or sweets)
I initially wrote gaze, but I thought this was to blunt. The character is not simply looking at the ocean. He is taking it in, in a way digesting it, looking for something to contradict his plan. 
Graze can also mean (copied from Google definitions): Touch or scrape lightly in passing (ex. his hands just _grazed_ hers)
The character is grazing the ocean, but with his eyes.


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## Firemajic (Aug 2, 2011)

OH--I love the way you explained that...That makes all the difference ...How absolutely --deliciously poetic...The last 2 lines sums up the poem so poignantly . Thank you for an enchanting read. looking forward to many more.  Peace...Jul


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## Elenagance (Aug 2, 2011)

Aw I'm glad I can explain it well (if you meant my explanation) I did enjoy the literal definition meaning. Digestion also puts a nice touch to it. I enjoyed the last two lines thoroughly as well.


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