# trying senryu



## Smith (Jan 26, 2015)

spend more of your time
on your personality.
now we won't leave late.​


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## Firemajic (Jan 26, 2015)

I like this one a lot, not so much for what IS said---but for what is NOT said...a little bit of intrigue is a good thing. Thanks for sharing this with me. Peace always...Jul


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## rcallaci (Jan 26, 2015)

Smith

For getting a grasp or feel for this art form read astroannies senryu. She's the best at it that I've seen in years. She does true Senryu. Senryu is about the human comedy that is man- it's sardonic, sarcastic, satiric, biting, shocking but it is not mundane.  

Again this is some nice short poetry- It lacks any real imagery to let your mind wander in. No periods in Senryu. Before you break the rules you have to know them first. You have talent- keep at it. Your piece had some good wordplay.... 

my warmest
bob


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## aj47 (Jan 27, 2015)

It's Pinocchio.  It looks like a senryu but isn't quite alive.  Which is to say, you have the structure but not the spark.

The first two lines could be encompassed in the first line:  spend time on your Self
That way you won't feel cramped when you get to line three.

That aside, you inspired me to write.  See my post [personal account].


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## Smith (Jan 27, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> I like this one a lot, not so much for what IS said---but for what is NOT said...a little bit of intrigue is a good thing. Thanks for sharing this with me. Peace always...Jul



Thank you. Your discovery of the hidden story in this makes me so happy! 



rcallaci said:


> Smith
> 
> For getting a grasp or feel for this art form read astroannies senryu. She's the best at it that I've seen in years. She does true Senryu. Senryu is about the human comedy that is man- it's sardonic, sarcastic, satiric, biting, shocking but it is not mundane.
> 
> ...



I read a few of her pieces actually, and that definitely played a part in inspiring me to try it! They were very good.

Here I tried to sneak in a sardonic, sarcastic feel with a humorous bite at the end, but maybe I missed the mark? And yes, you are right about the periods. I sometimes work in a strange way where I learn the rules by blundering and breaking them... and I'll admit I still don't know all of them for senryu (but I do have a better understanding for haiku now). Completely agree with you that it doesn't "let the mind wander in" though, which kind of reminds me of what you told me about "making the jump between one fragment and the other". Is it a similar concept? That perhaps my three lines here are too straightforward and connected, and lack a poetic punch, therefore not senryu?

Which brings another question to my mind. Is it bad, necessarily, to be simple?



astroannie said:


> It's Pinocchio.  It looks like a senryu but isn't quite alive.  Which is to say, you have the structure but not the spark.
> 
> The first two lines could be encompassed in the first line:  spend time on your Self
> That way you won't feel cramped when you get to line three.
> ...



It's an honor really for me to have inspired *you* to write. You are somebody I look up to and admire for your abilities! So I thank you.

I agree that it isn't as poetic as it could be. And wow, didn't even think of being able to shrink down those first two lines like that. Checked out your piece by the way, really liked it.


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## Pidgeon84 (Jan 27, 2015)

I liked it, not by any means a senryu expert though (nor any specific form for that matter), but I thought it was funny.


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## Smith (Jan 28, 2015)

Pidgeon84 said:


> I liked it, not by any means a senryu expert though (nor any specific form for that matter), but I thought it was funny.



Glad that you saw the humor in it, as that was what I was going for.


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## lala_elianna (Jan 30, 2015)

Pidgeon84 said:


> I liked it, not by any means a senryu expert though (nor any specific form for that matter), but I thought it was funny.



Agree! Definitely gave me a chuckle.


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## Smith (Feb 8, 2016)

lala_elianna said:


> Agree! Definitely gave me a chuckle.



Glad to hear it!


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