# You Left



## inkwellness (Nov 15, 2015)

You left me sailing, drifting,
alone, hands reaching out.
The fickle sea was shifting,
my ship was tossed about. 

I found you, daylight fading,
with nets cast to the sea.
For it was worth the waiting, 
to pull you in to me.

You found me when our eyes met,
a moment nearly missed. 
You left before the sunset,
but not before we'd kissed.

You left me where I caught you,
where nets were cast to sea.
You left me where I thought you
had felt the same for me.


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## escorial (Nov 15, 2015)

the use of the word you gave it a distant feel..and the I's gave it a here and now....the wind and the see,the sun and the kiss all used to good effect...one could say a comfortable piece


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## inkwellness (Nov 15, 2015)

Thanks Esc! Clever and kind as always .


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## Sonata (Nov 15, 2015)

I like it because I could "see" it, and those are the types of poems that draw me in.


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## inkwellness (Nov 15, 2015)

Thank you Sonata. I'm glad you could see it. I enjoy the ones that draw me in as well. I appreciate your kind feedback. :flower:


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## Josh Colon (Nov 15, 2015)

I liked this.
But,  this one line :     "You found me when I our eyes met,"
I found that line to be
very awkward and kludgy.
I think I'd have dropped the 'I' out of that line.

The poem makes me think of a love found, and then lost sort of thing.
Romantic and so meaningful (to me).
Josh.


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## inkwellness (Nov 15, 2015)

Oops! Yeah you're absolutely right. The "I" shouldn't be there. Thanks for catching it.


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## Doc Martin (Nov 15, 2015)

This has a nice rhythm and the use of the sea to describe your relationship is brilliant.


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## Mariana (Nov 15, 2015)

Beautiful, touching and sad all at once. Like other people pointed out, the imagery really draws you in.


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## Mesafalcon (Nov 16, 2015)

_"fickle sea was shifting"

_I am not sure_ exactly _what this means, but I like it !

Nice work on this one.

7/10


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## Doc Martin (Nov 16, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> _"fickle sea was shifting"
> 
> _I am not sure_ exactly _what this means, but I like it !
> 
> ...


I read this as the sea being used as a metaphor for the relationship. Having spent much of 26 years at sea while in the US Navy, I've seen the fickle nature of the ocean. I read shifting as changing which supports the fickleness of the relationship.


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## Firemajic (Nov 16, 2015)

This is a stunningly beautiful poignant poem and I felt/ heard the rhythm of the ocean in each line and verse.. many times love and relationships have been compared to the ocean, and this could have been so cliché ... but you made it unique and sublime...

Oh..the title... I think you could have done soooo much better.. The title IS a CRUCIAL part of the poem...and can say so much...it is the hook that intrigues and  seduces your reader..


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## inkwellness (Nov 16, 2015)

Doc Martin said:


> I read this as the sea being used as a metaphor for the relationship. Having spent much of 26 years at sea while in the US Navy, I've seen the fickle nature of the ocean. I read shifting as changing which supports the fickleness of the relationship.



Doc, you were exactly right in your interpretation. The sea and its fickle nature was comparable to a relationship. The fish, of course, was the significant other. And you know what they say, "There are other fish in the sea".



Firemajic said:


> This is a stunningly beautiful poignant poem and I felt/ heard the rhythm of the ocean in each line and verse.. many times love and relationships have been compared to the ocean, and this could have been so cliché ... but you made it unique and sublime...
> 
> Oh..the title... I think you could have done soooo much better.. The title IS a CRUCIAL part of the poem...and can say so much...it is the hook that intrigues and  seduces your reader..



Firemajic, as always, I thank you for your kind words. I understand that the title could definitely be improved. Did you have any suggestions on that? Thanks!


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## Firemajic (Nov 16, 2015)

maybe something like.. "Lost at Sea". Or " Tumultuous Tides" or just "Leaving"..just a few examples of the direction you could go... maybe think of the emotion [heartbreak] and convey that emotion in the title... something like that... it is very difficult for me to express what I mean, I am sorry..


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## inkwellness (Nov 16, 2015)

Don't be sorry. I think you have accurately conveyed the idea of a stronger title. Thank you for that. I will work on something with more depth and emotion.


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## Doc Martin (Nov 16, 2015)

As far as the title goes; when a ship is at sea, it is _underway_.

Not sure if that could be fit in but thought I would offer it.


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## Firemajic (Nov 16, 2015)

"Love Knots and Nets"... sorta a play on the words.. she loved you not- knots.. and nets are made with knots... anyway.. promise I will stop now..lol...


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## Nellie (Nov 16, 2015)

I love poems that are actually "love poems" and use metaphors to get the point out. Especially in love poems, nautical metaphors are what I like because so often relationships are "stormy". And, I am happy to hear you're working on a bit more dramatic title, like Firemajic suggested. Great poem.


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## inkwellness (Nov 16, 2015)

Doc Martin said:


> As far as the title goes; when a ship is at sea, it is _underway_.
> 
> Not sure if that could be fit in but thought I would offer it.



Doc, that's a good suggestion. I hadn't thought of that. Actually, I was leaning toward "The Fickle Sea", due to your previous comment about how the sea can be fickle and so can relationships.



Firemajic said:


> "Love Knots and Nets"... sorta a play on the words.. she loved you not- knots.. and nets are made with knots... anyway.. promise I will stop now..lol...



Firemajic, Okay I see where you're going with this. "Love Knots and Nets" will get them thinking and be a good hook, like you mentioned earlier.  Hey this is fun. Everyone is sooo helpful. I'm enjoying all this positive critique and feedback. It helps me improve greatly! Thanks a bunch. Seriously.



Nellie said:


> I love poems that are actually "love poems" and use metaphors to get the point out. Especially in love poems, nautical metaphors are what I like because so often relationships are "stormy". And, I am happy to hear you're working on a bit more dramatic title, like Firemajic suggested. Great poem.



Thanks Nellie! And yes, I've been receiving some really solid feedback on this piece. "Stormy"-- that's another good descriptor.


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## Doc Martin (Nov 16, 2015)

My love's at sea, it's underway
shall I ever see, her laugh
her love, another day

Not your poem and my apologies for the thread jack. Just playing with words waiting for my next class to come in.


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## inkwellness (Nov 17, 2015)

Not a problem. I am often inspired by other people’s poems on the forum because they get me thinking about the things I am passionate about. That being said, I appreciate your input on this piece. That's a lovely one you just made. You might consider building on it. Or even make a whole series of sea poems if it suits you.


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## Doc Martin (Nov 17, 2015)

hmm, I think, I will think about that. Thanks


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