# Survival Is Not Mandatory (Novel Excerpt)



## jbishop15 (Oct 5, 2015)

This is the end of the first (and only) finished novel. I wrote this bit over a year ago, just before my 22nd birthday. I spent a few months after editing, but eventually put it back on the shelf and haven't really played much attention to it since. Even in the year and months since I've finished it, I've grown as a writer. I'm curious as to other peoples thoughts on it. 

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Sinatra’s phone rang. It was Sarah. He answered. 

    “Hello?” Sinatra said.

    “Chris, are you still at the hotel?” Sarah said.

    “Yeah, why?” 

    “Andy made his tail. He’s in a coffee shop near the hotel.”

    “What do you need me to do?” 

    “Most of the tail is too far away to keep an eye on him and they need someone to follow him on foot. Just a for a little while, while they get back in position. Do you have a pen and paper?” 

    Sarah told him the address and Sinatra wrote it down. 

    “I got it,” he said, and stood. Roy stayed seated. He looked up at Sinatra, hands clasped and his knuckles white. 

    “Please reconsider,” Roy said. 

    “Fuck you,” Sinatra said, and left the hotel. He was really glad he took that bath because his scarred legs, always sore and always heavy, felt better than ever.     

    The address wasn’t far. Sinatra got there in five or six minutes, no problem. He could see Andy sitting inside the coffee shop. He was on his phone. Sinatra sat on a bench in the park across the street, and called Sarah. 

    “Okay, I’m here. He hasn’t left yet.” 

    “Good. We’ll be there shortly. If he leaves, follow at a safe distance. Be safe.” 

    Sinatra hung up his phone, and so did Andy. 

    Andy put his phone back in his pocket. He had a private jet rented. Very expensive, but necessary. If he could get to the hanger, everything would be fine. He stood, and put his backpack on. He walked outside, suitcase in hand. He crossed the street, and entered the park. It was crowded and full of people and would be an easy escape if he required it. 

    Sinatra watched him exit. He kept his head down. Andy didn’t see him, went right past him. Sinatra stood, started following him. 

    Andy was looking around. He couldn’t see anyone. But he could feel someone. He kept going. 

    Sinatra was only thirty or so feet from him, hands in pockets. He was very nervous and he willed his legs to keep up. 

    Andy took off running. He picked up the rolling case and carried it. Sinatra started running too and it hurt a lot. Andy ducked behind a patch of trees and kept running. Sinatra rounded the corner and his legs locked up and he had to grab the tree to stop him from falling flat on his face.

    The airport was in the opposite direction that Andy was running but he had to get away first. He made a sudden left turn and ran straight into a man, walking with his family. Andy fell down, and his bag got away from him.

    “Hey, what the fuck?” the man said. Andy got up quickly and started running again. He heard sirens and looked around. There were police cars coming from everywhere. 

    Sinatra was moving again, but slower. He could lightly jog but that was about it. He saw Andy run into the man and get up and start moving again, but the police cars froze him. Andy around. They locked gazes. Sinatra drew his weapon. He pointed it at Andy. 

    “Hello,” Andy said.

    “Hello,” Sinatra said. 

    “I don’t think we ever exchanged names.”     

    “I know who you are.” 

    “Oh, I'm sure,” Andy said.

    Andy withdrew a detonator from his pocket. He pressed it. There were people all around them. 

    “This is a dead mans switch. Only I can disarm it. If you push me, I let go of this button and everyone dies. If you kill me, everyone dies. Understand?” 

    Sinatra’s hands were slippery. He couldn’t let this guy go. He couldn’t let him walk away. He could not let him walk away. Sinatra pointed his gun in the air and fired, and people scattered. Soon, the park was nearly empty. He focused his gun back on Andy. 

    “That was really stupid,” Andy said. 

    “Depends on where you’re standing,” Sinatra said. Sweat was running down his face. 

They stared at each other. Andy started to back away. Sinatra heard a voice behind him, calling his name, trying to get his attention. Sinatra glanced over his shoulder, saw Ryan, saw him sprinting towards him. Sinatra looked back at Andy. 

    He pulled the trigger. The bullet hit Andy in the chest and the bomb went off. Sinatra felt an unbearable heat fill him up and go through him and he was in the air and then on the ground and everything, and everyone, was gone.


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## Amnesiac (Oct 5, 2015)

> The address wasn’t far. Sinatra got there in five or six minute, no problem.



(minutes?)

This is a really strong piece! I like it a lot. I would be tempted to re-write the last couple of lines: (Just a suggestion, of course...)

He pulled the trigger. The bullet hit Andy in the chest and the bomb went off. Sinatra felt an unbearable heat fill him and blast through him. He was in the air, then on the ground, and everything and everyone was gone.


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## jbishop15 (Oct 5, 2015)

Amnesiac said:


> (minutes?)
> 
> This is a really strong piece! I like it a lot. I would be tempted to re-write the last couple of lines: (Just a suggestion, of course...)
> 
> He pulled the trigger. The bullet hit Andy in the chest and the bomb went off. Sinatra felt an unbearable heat fill him and blast through him. He was in the air, then on the ground, and everything and everyone was gone.



Regarding rewriting the last couple of lines thing: I think I agree with you. I like using a run-on sentence to create a specific feeling, but I think I went a bit overboard there. 

Re-reading it, I'm just amazed at how strongly the narrator interjects. I still do it in my other writing, but the narrator is like a separate character in this piece.


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## Ephemeral_One (Oct 5, 2015)

In addition to what Amnesiac said, another point I think that could be strengthened is the exchange between Sinatra and Andy. From what you've described, this is a climatic point that's been built up over the novel. Some more descriptors of the pair would heighten the tension, I feel. After all, their adrenaline is pumping, the world tends to take on a clarity and sharpness in those moments. I think that'd pull us into this moment. Sort of like a literary slow motion scene right before things cut back to normal speed with your final part.


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## 20oz (Oct 6, 2015)

It needs descriptions of anxiety, urgency, and tension. It's a bit bare bones in those departments.

I'm not saying re-write the whole thing, just add more to it. Body language: _He tightened up his grip on the handle of the gun._ Visibility: _Beads of sweat formed on his head._ Interactivity: _He could not let these innocent people die. Sinatra pointed his gun in the air and fired. _Etc.


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## kbsmith (Oct 6, 2015)

You idolize a killer, by naming him Sinatra. Interesting use of the name! 



> He pulled the trigger. The bullet hit Andy in the chest and the bomb went off.




Not gonna lie. that was an epic moment. BUT banned cause government watch list


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## newwriter1 (Oct 7, 2015)

I think you have found a great structure to build upon here in this scene. I like the fact that you have presented the anticipation in such a simple and easy format.

You definitely have continuity of thought, but I think the use of who said what and when might serve the story better by eliminating it when possible. For example right from the beginning you included the following "Sinatra’s phone rang. It was Sarah. He answered." which having done that could easily take the need away from using it in the subsequent replies.

To repeat what some others have indicated. Maybe fill in the following pivotal scene with descriptions to help us imagine what it would be like to be in this situation leading up to and possibly right after.

You have framed a cool scene. Maybe you can find reward in watching it grow roots.


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## Amnesiac (Oct 7, 2015)

jbishop15 said:


> Regarding rewriting the last couple of lines thing: I think I agree with you. I like using a run-on sentence to create a specific feeling, but I think I went a bit overboard there.
> 
> Re-reading it, I'm just amazed at how strongly the narrator interjects. I still do it in my other writing, but the narrator is like a separate character in this piece.



Well, for this piece, it seems to work just fine. I really like this excerpt! I was thinking that after Sinatra fired, it would cut to slow motion, Sinatra watching the detonator falling from Andy's hand... Kind of that brief moment when shit's hitting the fan, time slows and stretches. It almost makes Sinatra feel that if he moved fast enough, he could have caught the detonator, you know?


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## Renaissance Man (Oct 10, 2015)

An interesting ending. I hate cursing. Always have. Especialy when it's the hero cursing. They ought to be more heroi. I like your writing style and how Andy didn't take into account that Sinatra's physical condition made him more willing to risk death, once he cleared everyone to a safe distance by starting a panic. I like the ingenuity. I'm also confused as I expected given that this is the end of a novel.

But you've got talent. That's for sure.


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## Renaissance Man (Oct 10, 2015)

kbsmith said:


> You idolize a killer, by naming him Sinatra. Interesting use of the name!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Either I'm more tired than I thought or you need to explain this better. I agree Sinatra is the wrong name for any character due to the popularity of the singer. But I don't get the government cause banned thing.


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## The Black Sheep (Dec 9, 2015)

This does seem like a critical point in the story, so an idea would be to lengthen it? it flowed rather quick and for something as climatic maybe some more writing would build the suspense.


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## JenHLewis (Dec 10, 2015)

I like it but I feel like there is a lot of, he gets up, he falls down, he's runs, he hangs up, he puts his phone in his pocket etc..... for me it needs to read much smoother. For example take this...

Sinatra watched him exit. He kept his head down. Andy didn’t see him, went right past him. Sinatra stood, started following him. 

Andy was looking around. He couldn’t see anyone. But he could feel someone. He kept going

too this....

Sinatra watched, keeping his head down. Even as Andy bumped into his table as he began his escape, he didn't spot the man studying his every move.  Sinatra rose as swiftly as his aching legs allowed, swallowing down the pain of each laboured step, he must keep up with his target.

Andy eyes darted around, quickly checking over his shoulder. He couldn’t see anyone, but he could sense he wasn't alone. He kept going.

that's not perfect but just to show you what I mean. I agree Sinatra is a potentially bad choice of name...also is he called Chris Sinatra? That's not clear here but of course could be earlier in the novel.

Its a good climatic ending but I feel a bit of a re edit is needed to get the tempo and suspense right. Show us how they are feeling, nervous, blood pounding in their ears, clammy palms etc......

Good luck


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## DedicatedPen (Dec 16, 2015)

I agree with other sentiments Sinatra may be a bit of a taboo name choice unless there is some interesting story behind his name. Thanks for sharing


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## tjc5172 (Dec 19, 2015)

The history of the two characters, granted I know a whole story precedes the ending, I feel could have shown through more through the actions and dialogue. There must be a very interesting back and forth between these two to end in such a manner


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