# I Dared Myself to Post This Very Short Thing...



## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

(edited) THE BAND REHEARSAL

A place where my entire being feels gently encased,
In luscious sounds, millions of brilliant musical notes,
Transpose to pastel petals floating from the sky,
Creating a soft blanket where my soul lies basking.
No yesterday,
No tomorrow, 
Deliciously overwhelming, 
All encompassing.

(original)

A place where my entire being would feel gently encased,
In luscious sounds of millions of brilliant musical notes,
Transpose into gossamer rose petals floating from the sky,
Forming a soft blanket where my soul would lies basking.
No yesterday,
No tomorrow, 
Deliciously overwhelming, 
All encompassing.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 14, 2015)

Hmm... I really like it.

It has this "dreamy" feel or something. You should have properly titled it.

Keep posting!

7.5/10


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Hmm... I really like it.
> 
> It has this "dreamy" feel or something. You should have properly titled it.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your comment. It was really an accident. It was spawned by my wanting to describe (in my novel) what it felt like playing in a  phenomenal band.    It's my first posting here, and the first poem I've written in eons.  I'm glad yours was a positive comment!     BTW, the title is the last line.  The Band Rehearsal.  Maybe I should put the title on the on top...


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## McJibbles (Jul 14, 2015)

If I remove my bias that makes me only like rhyming poetry (usually), this is really good! Comes off as a simple stream of consciousness and is pretty. Not much critique except maybe more flow to it. Maybe that's just my preference.

7/10


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

McJibbles said:


> If I remove my bias that makes me only like rhyming poetry (usually), this is really good! Comes off as a simple stream of consciousness and is pretty. Not much critique except maybe more flow to it. Maybe that's just my preference.
> 
> 7/10



I'm a complete novice, so thanks so much for your vote of confidence! 

 I wonder if the flow can be improved by making each line shorter, like maybe by half?


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## McJibbles (Jul 14, 2015)

I would agree, but if that's your own special touch, don't lose it. I'm new too. I have writing-type ideas everyday of my life and have for years but just felt comfortable enough to share anything.


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## musichal (Jul 14, 2015)

Snowflake said:


> A place where my entire being would feels gently encased,
> In luscious sounds of millions of brilliant musical notes,
> Transposed into gossamer rose petals falling from the sky,
> Forming a soft blanket where my soul would lies basking.
> ...



I strongly recommend deleting the "woulds" and adding the "s" in the verbs as indicated above to take this wonderful imagery out of the realm of conjecture and to add immediacy.  Love it.

Oh, it flows well - don't think twice about that.


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## McJibbles (Jul 14, 2015)

I second Musichal's opinion on this one. that made it better.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 14, 2015)

McJibbles said:


> If I remove my bias that makes me only like rhyming poetry (usually), this is really good! Comes off as a simple stream of consciousness and is pretty. Not much critique except maybe more flow to it. Maybe that's just my preference.
> 
> 7/10



Thanks for giving the rating lol! I am hoping this will catch on. It's just how I roll.

So, to stick on topic, we agree that we like this one.

And yes, Snowflake... please put the title on top!


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

musichal said:


> I strongly recommend deleting the "woulds" and adding the "s" in the verbs as indicated above to take this wonderful imagery out of the realm of conjecture and to add immediacy.  Love it.
> Oh, it flows well - don't think twice about that.



Yes, much better with your suggestion. As I mentioned before, I'm new at this.  In fact, I was writing an intro to a scene in my novel and asked myself what rehearsals felt like.  So, I typed and backspaced for a long time and viola, this poem popped out exactly as I felt it, but your editing helped a lot!   Maybe poetry is a form of channeling.  



Mesafalcon said:


> Thanks for giving the rating lol! I am hoping this will catch on. It's just how I roll.
> 
> So, to stick on topic, we agree that we like this one.
> 
> And yes, Snowflake... please put the title on top!




I think the rating is a good idea, too!  It's very clear where this poem stands.   

Next time I'll put the title at the top, and it won't have a surprise ending anymore.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 14, 2015)

Snowflake said:


> I think the rating is a good idea, too!  It's very clear where this poem stands.



I doubt anyone here takes it seriously lol.

I'm a novice too. Most of us here are I bet.


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> I doubt anyone here takes it seriously lol.
> 
> I'm a novice too. Most of us here are I bet.



It doesn't matter if we're novices. If we like a poem, and it effects us in a positive way, 
that's what counts.  It just that the positive effect is rated on a one to ten scale. Nuffin' 
wrong with that!


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## Firemajic (Jul 14, 2015)

Snowflake... You are a  poetic powerhouse with your imagery, and you captured the essence of how music can sooth the soul, transport you out of the mundane... Musichal has some fabulous suggestions to sorta distill and strengthen your poem... Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread! I am looking forward to reading more of your work... Oh yeah--I like your style... Peace...


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 14, 2015)

I am with Musichal about taking out the indefinite, but I would go a bit further.

A place where my entire being is gently encased,

"of millions of", a little awkward
In luscious sounds, millions of brilliant musical notes,

'Gossamer' and 'rose petals' are both nouns originally, even if gossamer is commonly used to mean 'gossamer like', how about
Transposed into pastel rose petals floating from the sky,
You get alliteration and 'floating' keeps the gossamer feeling

Forming a soft blanket where my soul would lie basking.
Again go for the definite and cut the 'qualifiers'
A soft blanket for my soul to lie basking
Or even
A blanket for my soul  to bask on.
The 'lie' is implicit in bask and blanket.

And then I would spell out the 'here and now'
No yesterday,
No tomorrow. 
A deliciously overwhelming, 
All encompassing
Present.

Perhaps you wouldn't, of course. These are only 'what ifs', and I very much like it in its original form, sound become physical and all enveloping.


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

Olly Buckle said:


> I am with Musichal about taking out the indefinite, but I would go a bit further.
> 
> A place where my entire being is gently encased,
> 
> ...



As I mentioned in a previous message, this poem fell right out of my unconscious and onto the screen as I began a new scene in my novel.  (It's my first, so I'm not up to snuff on the rules of fiction writing, either).  I was trying to "show and not tell".... and went so far into showing it transformed into poetry, so I posted it, unedited, in this forum.  Hmm, I wonder if it's possible to learn the general rules of writing poetry by trial and error?   I don't know, but I'm trying! )

So, I guess my main question is this: In poetry, is it best to use as few words as possible?  I'm asking because so far, cutting qualifiers, and making it present tense seem to be the key issues. 

Thanks so much for your reply and critique!
Snow


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## aj47 (Jul 14, 2015)

I wouldn't say it's "best" but using a lot of filler words weakens the work.  Just as in prose.  It isn't about using as few words as possible, but choosing words with care to say what you mean.  Power/strength come from action so using action verbs rather than forms of "to be" help.


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## Snowflake (Jul 14, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> Snowflake... You are a  poetic powerhouse with your imagery, and you captured the essence of how music can sooth the soul, transport you out of the mundane... Musichal has some fabulous suggestions to sorta distill and strengthen your poem... Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread! I am looking forward to reading more of your work... Oh yeah--I like your style... Peace...



Dang, Fire, I almost fell off my computer chair when I read your comments.  
Am I going to have to live up to my reputation now? That's a scary thought.  lol 
Seriously, thanks so much.  This is a great group -- I've already received excellent 
suggestions and quickly, too.  Again, thanks!



*The Band Rehearsal  * 

A place where my entire being is gently encased,
In luscious sounds, millions of brilliant musical notes,
Transpose into gossamer rose petals falling from the sky,
Forming a soft blanket where my soul lies basking.
No yesterday,
No tomorrow, 
Deliciously overwhelmed, 
All encompassing. 

  ***

(note #1): I used some of the advice of others and made my own changes
as well).  In the third line, I changed 'transposed' into 'transpose' to
 keep it present tense). 

(note #2)  After making all the changes, it now looks like the word
'transpose' should be 'transform'... hmmm....are all words in poems
supposed to be read literally?


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## escorial (Jul 14, 2015)

and the band played on...cool piece


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 14, 2015)

I am not sure that there are any general rules of writing poetry, that is why I say my remarks are 'what ifs'. There is not a great deal in common between Ginsberg's 'Kadish for my mother' and Elliot's 'Love song of Alfred J Prufrock', but they are both undoubtedly poems, and favourites.
If you do want to write poetry my best general advice would be the same as for writing prose, read other people's work, try and work out what they are doing and why, and decide which parts you like and would like to emulate, that is not the same as imitate. Of course reading other people's analysis can help, as well as actually writing your own, sometimes I reckon trying to help others has been more help to my writing than it was to theirs 

No, not everything has to be literal, and I would expect you to look at a first rewrite and go 'Hmmm', poets' notebooks reveal that they often spent months, sometimes years, revising and rewriting. Not always of course.


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## Snowflake (Jul 15, 2015)

Olly Buckle said:


> No, not everything has to be literal, and I would expect you to look at a first rewrite and go 'Hmmm', poets' notebooks reveal that they often spent months, sometimes years, revising and rewriting. Not always of course.



Thanks, Olly.  My question now is:  In the third line below, transpose isn't the right verb. Transform is correct, but I like *transpose* because it's a term often used in music.  I'm torn.  My solution would be to keep it, but would people who read a lot of poetry think it's a mistake?
*
The Band Rehearsal (final edit)*

A place where my entire being is gently encased,
And luscious sounds, millions of brilliant musical notes,
Transpose into sparkling rose petals falling in the sky,
Creating a soft blanket where my soul lies basking.
No yesterday,
No tomorrow, 
Deliciously overwhelming, 
All encompassing. 

P.S. I think it's good enough to put in my novel.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 15, 2015)

Who knows? But if they did *they* would be mistaken. 

If it were me wanting to do that I would look at ways of adapting the rest of the line to make it a little less ambiguous, off the top of my head something like;

Transpose the sparkling rose petals falling from the sky,

But that could be a step too far for you.


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## Blade (Jul 15, 2015)

:sunny: Has a great dreamy feel about it like a great nature photograph. If you are inclined to compactness one of the last two lines could be deleted as they repeat the same idea.

Enjoyed.:encouragement:


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## Snowflake (Jul 15, 2015)

Olly Buckle said:


> Who knows? But if they did *they* would be mistaken.
> If it were me wanting to do that I would look at ways of adapting the rest of the line to make it a little less ambiguous, off the top of my head something like;
> Transpose the sparkling rose petals falling from the sky,
> 
> But that could be a step too far for you.



Actually, I like your recommendation. When I imagined the scene, I "saw" the millions of notes drifting up to the sky.  (Where else would musical notes go? lol).
I "saw" them transpose into rose petals and inevitable drift down (gravity, ya know), but the word 'floating' really is a tad better.  I'll hve to change it.  I don't really get the image of 'transpose the sparkling rose petals falling from the sky'.  From the image in my mind, I saw the musical notes turning into rose petals, then fall from the sky.  See the diff?

In the 4th line, I changed the word 'forming' to 'creating'... better choice because music is created so it's more fitting. 

I guess it's possible to take a very short poem and obsess for a long time, but now it really is better than the original. So, I thank you and everyone else for the input.



Blade said:


> :sunny: Has a great dreamy feel about it like a great nature photograph. If you are inclined to compactness one of the last two lines could be deleted as they repeat the same idea.
> Enjoyed.:encouragement:



Thanks for the suggestion.  The word 'overwhelming' is a feeling.  The word 'encompass'  is akin to something physical like a measurement of space (i.e. the cocoon encompassed the embryonic butterfly) , at least that's how I see it. Encase and encompass are pretty close in meaning (first line, last line), but even if it were redundant, I think the redundancy works in this case....  at least for me.


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## astrum (Jul 15, 2015)

Very nice. A moment captured perfectly in your own words, a very specific feeling described as you felt it. Cheers.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 15, 2015)

> I guess it's possible to take a very short poem and obsess for a long time, but now it really is better than the original.


That says things about the poem and what is behind it, I have seen some I could consider fully in five minutes and find little worth doing anything with.


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## Snowflake (Jul 16, 2015)

Olly Buckle said:


> That says things about the poem and what is behind it, I have seen some I could consider fully in five minutes and find little worth doing anything with.


Good point!  Thanks!
BTW, I posted the (almost) final edit in the first message of this thread.  I guess it wouldn't hurt if I posted it here.

THE BAND REHEARSAL

A place where my entire being feels gently encased,
In luscious sounds, millions of brilliant musical notes,
Transpose to pastel petals floating from the sky,
Creating a soft blanket where my soul lies basking.
No yesterday,
No tomorrow, 
Deliciously overwhelming, 
All encompassing.


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