# Rust



## RayEver (Dec 11, 2015)

Like rust
Eroding the foundation of a building
Depression is eating me away

everyday

who I am

is less

than who I was

As the shell slowly decays
I watch 
from some distant point of view
I see an echo fading away
and I don't care


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## Firemajic (Dec 11, 2015)

Ray, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... I love the imagery, it is not overdone and allows your reader to relate to your words..I love that you compared depression to rust, eroding the foundation.. depression is at first subtle, sometimes.. unseen, like rust , looks kinda harmless until it is not... thanks for a cool read..


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## escorial (Dec 11, 2015)

enjoyed the comparison of the word rust and the direct
way the piece unfolds


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## ned (Dec 11, 2015)

hello - enjoyed your poem - simple and direct

would consider dropping depression for 'it' - this is poetry, have a bit of mystery and let the reader work it out - or not.

'and I don't care' - might be a bold self-denial, but is too simplistic and flat for a poem, I feel.

Ned


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## Nellie (Dec 11, 2015)

ned said:


> would consider dropping depression for 'it' - this is poetry, have a bit of mystery and let the reader work it out - or not.
> 
> 'and I don't care' - might be a bold self-denial, but is too simplistic and flat for a poem, I feel.



I wouldn't drop "depression" for "it".  That would definitely leave the reader in the dark, which could lead the reader(s) down many paths. To me, depression, self-denial is what this poem is about.

Good comparison, RayEver. Thanks for sharing your view.


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## Darkkin (Dec 11, 2015)

I really like the way you have this paced and spaced, but it is a little generic.  Consider asking: What about this piece reflects my voice as a poet?  What makes it standout from other poems like it?

Also, in Line 10: the final preposition: of view is almost redundant because of the verb watch in Line 9.  The view is implied.  Try reading the stanza aloud both ways, see which you like better.

For a better effect, I would suggest making capitalisation and punctuation uniform, either use it properly or leave it off entirely.  In this case, given the nature of the piece, leave it off because this is very informal and you have no punctuation to speak of, just three lines that have capitals other than the pronoun I.  Being consistent with grammar or providing an absence of it, makes for a more uniform and cohesive appearance.  Improper or inconsistent use of grammar makes for a jagged read that draws focus away from the content of a poem.  In this case, it detracts for the subtle and sublime pacing.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## Bosco (Dec 11, 2015)

There's a lot to like here.

I don't know that I'd replace depression with "it," but I agree with ned that the poem would be stronger if you simply let the imagery do the heavy lifting. 

I think it's rather clear that the poem is about emotional distance, deep sadness and extreme apathy, so given the symptoms, I think readers can make their own diagnosis.

I also agree with Darkkin that it's a bit generic, but then again, it's sometimes a fine line between generic and something that's really relatable.

Good job, RayEver and welcome to the forum!


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## Sonata (Dec 11, 2015)

Different people read and understand this in different ways.  I like it as it is.


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## aj47 (Dec 11, 2015)

RayEver said:


> Like rust
> Eroding the foundation of a building
> Depression is eating me away
> 
> ...



I would drop "and" from the last line.  I'd also try to tighten it up a bit with stronger vocabulary (for example, "eats" instead of "is eating").

I love the imagery here, but Darkkin has a point -- this is a little blah. I really believe though that tightening it would help with that aspect. Do not be afraid to use big words, either.  I don't wish to rewrite for you, but would love to see a revision or edit.


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## RayEver (Dec 12, 2015)

Thank you for the kind words and the help on what is a difficult piece for me.
Darkken , you are right  ' of view' needs to go. It was a remnant of a line about watching your  life go by from a third person point of view.
I was never really happy with the third line, 'Depression is eating me away', it said exactly what I wanted but I didn't like it. I'm thinking about changing it to something more along the lines of ' I'm being eaten away', although I'm not sure. I think it could be interpreted as depression , sickness or aging. Let reader apply it to themselves. The rest of the piece brings the original thought. 
Some of the other tidying up , caps. an unnecessary word here or there, I'll work on.
I was going for a simple , smooth choppyness that is cut short.


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## Gumby (Dec 12, 2015)

I like the analogy, RayEver. Just a little suggestion that smooths out the flow a bit. Like annie, I don't want to rewrite for you, only give my two cents.  Also, I would fix the capitalization/punctuation aspect, either use it correctly or not at all, because it stands out to a reader and takes them out of the poem if it isn't consistent.

Like rust
Eroding the foundation 
of a building; Depression 
is eating me away


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## TL Murphy (Dec 14, 2015)

I agree with Ned that you should avoid saying the word "depression".  I suggest deleting the first line because it only repeats the title.  Then substitute the word "rust" for "depression".  This comletes the metaphor.

Rust

Eroding the foundation of a building
rust is eating me away


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## RHPeat (Dec 15, 2015)

That's the way to go, for sure; cut the telling words and extend the poem's metaphor. The poem leaps up and grabs a cigar and asks the reader for a light. Who could ask for more.


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## Robbie (Dec 15, 2015)

You have a clear concept of depression. It does erode like rust and can be a long, slow erosion. I had never though of it as eroding the exterior until I read your poem. Now I understand that it does both.. .  It takes us down.....destroying the foundation. I like that you have included a bit ofobjectivity in your poem...'I watch from some distant point of view.' Also, the echo fading away is a strong almost audible image.


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