# Disconcerted Concert (Edit 1)



## Chesters Daughter (Oct 6, 2014)

This came to me quickly, and I haven't fanatically tweaked as is my wont. Suggestions are more than welcome.

The mournful music
of a brisk autumn breeze
trying in vain
to rouse drowsy trees
seems to say please stay
awake
and keep me company.

But, it's too late.

Fall's vibrant hues prove
the sleepy giants
have begun to muse
and their reverie
can't be interrupted.

Alas, the wind is blind
and will beg time after time
until Old Man Winter's
frigid finger
points out its friends
are far too tired to linger.

Once aware
all are fast asleep
the wind will weep,
each teardrop unique,
and its howling will begin
never to quiet

'til flocks return
to resume their din
and take up residence
in budding limbs.


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## AnnePrice (Oct 6, 2014)

I like the imagery. Make me want to go get a blanket and snuggle something.


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## Angel101 (Oct 6, 2014)

Hi! Long time no see/read! I enjoyed the vibrant images of autumn in this piece, but also the fearful tone the piece takes when talking about winter. I also like the idea of the world going to sleep briefly during the winter, as things die in the cold, and I liked the image of the wind trying to rouse the trees by blowing the leaves. It's sort of like the season is trying to stop itself from changing or something.

Haven't been here in so long. I need to catch up. 

Bay


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## Jeff C (Oct 7, 2014)

This was so good!  I love quick sparks of creation like this.  

My only thought is if you can find a more descriptive way to describe spring and still end it abruptly like you have it.  The whole poem is just filled with such great imagery and personification...and then you get to the last line (which isn't bad in my opinion) I don't know what you were going for.  But it just seems as though you could continue with the poems descriptive nature.


maybe 

Never to quiet
until roots awaken again.


Like I said, just a thought.


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## Chesters Daughter (Oct 7, 2014)

A little background. My new neighborhood is populated by more trees than people, and the populated area is ringed by seven cemeteries, yeah I know, in a zombie apocalypse, I'm toast. That translates into a ton of trees, and the slightest breeze makes the most wonderful soothing sound. That's where this thing came from. I love trees, always have, always will. Can't wait for a hurricane or blizzard, visually and aurally it will be nothing less than awesome. Ramble over.

Dear Anne, I'm so happy for your reaction. That's how I felt when I wrote this and I'm glad it's projecting that at least slightly. Thank you so much.

Dear Bay, Holy crap! Look what the wind blew in, pun intended. It's so great to hear from you, hon, I've missed you. Hope you and the family are super well. So pleased at what you took away from this, it's what I had hoped for, but I gotta admit I was shocked that you didn't mention a nit given this is still so rough about the edges. I'm so happy you're back, please do catch up and stick around. I've missed the depth of your work. Hugs. Lots of 'em, all wrapped in thanks.

Dear Jeff, Your honesty is a blessing. I've edited based on your advice. I knew the ending was blah, but punked out and settled. Glad the rest worked for you so well. Not sure about the new ending, it may be too much, or not enough, or just suck. Given your truthfulness, I know you'll set me straight regardless and that's what we're all here for, to improve. Thank you so much for calling me out on my settling.

Excellent things to all,
Lisa


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## Apple Ice (Oct 7, 2014)

No suggestions from me, just praise. Very well done


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## Firemajic (Oct 7, 2014)

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...so I was surprised to read a gentle, melancholy reflection on the passing season...I really enjoyed seeing this through your skillful pen. Good job on the edit,it is more in sinc with the rest of this."Alas, the wind is blind"-- that verse is my favorite, and of course, the last 4 lines lack nothing.Beautiful,  Thanks for sharing.   Peace...Jul


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## apple (Oct 7, 2014)

I love this Lisa.  Really, I could feel it and see it.  Almost like a children's tale.


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## dannyboy (Oct 7, 2014)

agree with apple. Beautiful and great rhythms.


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## joshybo (Oct 7, 2014)

Very nice imagery.  I particularly loved the Old Man Winter stanza.


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## aj47 (Oct 7, 2014)

Guess what?  I have time now.



Chester's Daughter said:


> This came to me quickly, and I haven't fanatically tweaked as is my wont. Suggestions are more than welcome.
> 
> The mournful music
> of a brisk autumn breeze
> ...



You may want quote marks for what the wind is saying.  And a bang after please or to italicize it for the emphasis.



> But, it's too late.
> 
> Fall's vibrant hues prove
> the sleepy giants
> ...



cannot



> Alas, the wind is blind
> and will beg time after time
> until Old Man Winter's
> frigid finger
> ...



Comma around "time after time"



> Once aware
> all are fast asleep
> the wind will weep,
> each teardrop unique,
> ...



Period.  Comma after "teardrop" too. 




> 'til flocks return





> to resume their din
> and take up residence
> in budding limbs.



Um.  No.  You need to keep with the theme.  Something about the warm wind.   What, I do not know--it's your work.


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## wainscottbl (Oct 8, 2014)

Yep, I like it. Great imagery, good cadence, and a nice piece to read like a bowl of chili as fall truly begins, which speaking of time I think I should make next week!


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## Jeff C (Oct 8, 2014)

So much better IMO, I think it works as is....But after reading Astroannie's post I sort of agree with keeping with the theme and including something about the wind though...hmmm...I think it's up to you really.  

Until a hint,
of a summers breeze.
Brings back budding flowers,
and the green leaves.


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## Phoenix_White (Oct 15, 2014)

I will work through my thoughts:
First, I'm pensive. Can't quite decided weather to read this by line or by sentence. Yet, the dilemma has brought a suggestion to your syntax. I could easily understand the sytax of winter to be biting, and short. I do have to ask myself, would there be such a thing as a syntax of fall?

The mournful music
of a brisk autumn breeze
trying in vain
to rouse drowsy trees
seems to say please stay
awake
and keep me company.

But, it's too late.

Fall's vibrant hues prove
the sleepy giants
have begun to muse
and their reverie
can't be interrupted.

Alas, the wind is blind
and will beg time after time
until Old Man Winter's
frigid finger
points out its friends
are far too tired to linger.

Once aware
all are fast asleep
the wind will weep,
each teardrop unique,
and its howling will begin
never to quiet

'til flocks return
to resume their din
and take up residence
in budding limbs.


----------



## Fats Velvet (Oct 16, 2014)

This is a winner Lisa.  I especially enjoyed the rhythm.


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