# My Mental Illness



## Smith (Dec 15, 2014)

Rip out my heart,
so I can watch you hold it gently,
before letting it drop to the floor.
"We're just a thing," you said. "Nothing more."

Heart on my sleeve,
I am just a kid on the inside,
with a chip on his shoulder
that he's still trying to hide.

I am so sorry,
for my immeasurable selfishness--
being so obsessive and clingy.
Is it all in my head?

Are things not so bad,
and this is but a product
of my paranoia and lack of
confidence and depression?

I can't stop thinking,
how you're all I want,
how you're all that I need,
and the only thing making me happy.

It's then that I realized
you can't call what I want love.
It's lost somewhere between
affection and lust.

So when you go turn
on and off like you do,
so easily that all I become
is very confused?

Please understand,
when I take your hand
in mine gently and say,
"We're just a thing. Nothing more."

I am the sore loser
in this terrible game we play,
where I love you too much,
and have to turn and walk away.


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## tiphhhhh (Dec 15, 2014)

To be honest I felt it was a little sappy and childish, but that's just me. I would perhaps be more inclined to like it if it had less rhyme; I feel the rhyme is what makes it sound childish. 

I did, however, enjoy the first few lines very much: 
"Rip out my heart,
so I can watch you hold it gently,
before letting it drop to the floor."


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## joshybo (Dec 15, 2014)

I really do like and appreciate the emotional side of this poem.  It feels real and unfiltered.  I believe what you are saying here.  That said, I feel like you tried to stuff it into the traditional structure of what a lot of people feel like a poem should be.  You've got nice, clean, even stanzas and while they do work on some level, I just feel like this piece says so much more than what you're limiting it to for the aesthetic appeal of "poetry".  Please don't read this as a criticism.  It's not.  I rarely write in stanzas myself because they just don't feel honest to my intent.  What you've done here is laid yourself bare before us, and I respect you for that.  This poem cuts deep, but I just feel like it's being held back for the sake of form.  Let it go.  Just write it down first and construct the pieces afterward.  I honestly love what you've done here, I love the message, but it feels like you tried to mold lava into clay.  One flows free, the other shapes to our desires.  Neither is _right_ or _wrong_.  They stand equal and apart from on another.  Then again, that's just my individual approach to poetry.  It may not make any sense to anybody else out there, but it's how I approach it.  Regardless of what you decide to do here, you've got some very powerful imagery to work with and you write with conviction.  Thank you for sharing.


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## Firemajic (Dec 16, 2014)

I agree with everything joshybo so eloquently said. [good call joshybo]There is much to love about this poignant poem, and it is well worth working on. Think of it as polishing  a diamond.7th stanza--"When you go turn on and off like you do" the line break there just does not work for me.Last stanza, last 2 lines sounds unfinished or lacking in drama...You have style and skill,and I hope you polish this so that it not only shines,but shows off your writing ability--because it is clear that you can write! Thank you for sharing.  Peace always...Julia


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## escorial (Dec 16, 2014)

raw and full of introspective....you use your experience's here and write with emotion and regret,angst....you put your heart into words and that for me is what drives this piece..brave and yet..enjoyable for what it is...more man...keep going lad


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## Ariel (Dec 16, 2014)

I believe the emotion is real but the execution leaves it lying flat.  I just found that after the first stanza (which had great imagery) the imagery become, first, cliche then is dropped altogether.  This would be so much stronger if you worked on that beginning image and shortened it into a tighter poem.  There's something visceral about that starting image that would make this a hard-hitting poem.


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## nickpierce (Dec 16, 2014)

Read the _entire _poem.
Read _all _the comments.

When the frustration of attempting sensitive interaction with another human being gets to the point where you find relief by punching a few holes in a wall (man, those studs have _absolutely _no give) your hand will be seasoned in a manner that lets it write your feelings down without obfuscating hyperbole.


See ya on the page, Smith.


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## rcallaci (Dec 16, 2014)

Smith

This piece has punch-an emotional whirlwind of frustration and angst. The story telling aspect was superb...  Can this poem be improved -of course it can a poem is never truly finished. Much of the previous critique is quite sound but it's all subjective and should be taken as such. 

For myself I like rhyme used heavily or lightly. I've written a equal amount of non-rhymed  and rhymed poetry and see the merits in each. You use it lightly and it felt right. It added musicality to the piece. I like the use of Stanzas- it gives voice to a separate thought. Although some of your stanzas are convoluted they still resonate your inner turmoil. All poets need to find their own rhythm 

Poetry is very personal - Each poet writes and speaks to us in their own unique voice. I hear your voice in this piece.  I hear the wailing of a torn heart.


my warmest
bob


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## Smith (Dec 16, 2014)

tiphhhhh said:


> To be honest I felt it was a little sappy and childish, but that's just me. I would perhaps be more inclined to like it if it had less rhyme; I feel the rhyme is what makes it sound childish.
> 
> I did, however, enjoy the first few lines very much:
> "Rip out my heart,
> ...



Thanks for your opinion. For me, this was the first time in a long while that I wrote something I was very satisfied with. Not to say that I'm done with it, as you and others have still pointed out things I might improve. But in general I like the rhyme and pattern of it. The "sappy childishness" might come from my voice. If I try writing like an adult rather than my 16 year old self, I tend to lose most of my natural writing voice and a lot of the emotion. It feels like I'm lying almost, and pretending to be who I'm not.

However, if you liked the first stanza, a lot of my older writing (some of it poems, some of it not) is 'darker'. Maybe you would like it.



joshybo said:


> I really do like and appreciate the emotional side of this poem.  It feels real and unfiltered.  I believe what you are saying here.  That said, I feel like you tried to stuff it into the traditional structure of what a lot of people feel like a poem should be.  You've got nice, clean, even stanzas and while they do work on some level, I just feel like this piece says so much more than what you're limiting it to for the aesthetic appeal of "poetry".  Please don't read this as a criticism.  It's not.  I rarely write in stanzas myself because they just don't feel honest to my intent.  What you've done here is laid yourself bare before us, and I respect you for that.  This poem cuts deep, but I just feel like it's being held back for the sake of form.  Let it go.  Just write it down first and construct the pieces afterward.  I honestly love what you've done here, I love the message, but it feels like you tried to mold lava into clay.  One flows free, the other shapes to our desires.  Neither is _right_ or _wrong_.  They stand equal and apart from on another.  Then again, that's just my individual approach to poetry.  It may not make any sense to anybody else out there, but it's how I approach it.  Regardless of what you decide to do here, you've got some very powerful imagery to work with and you write with conviction.  Thank you for sharing.



I am happy to hear you appreciate the emotion I poured into this! 

I considered making this free verse when I had the idea for it. I've dabbled with it in the past with mixed results. For some reason with what I wanted to say here, a little rhyming and pattern seemed to fit better. Sometimes with free verse I find myself wandering too much and I kind of lose focus, almost like having too much freedom detracts from the poem. Not every time of course, because as I mentioned, I think I have written some decent free verse stuff in the past. Still, maybe I can try my luck at writing a free verse poem about this same part of my life right now, except go a little deeper. Perhaps a little more metaphorical. You know what... yeah, I think I'm going to do that!



Firemajic said:


> I agree with everything joshybo so eloquently said. [good call joshybo]There is much to love about this poignant poem, and it is well worth working on. Think of it as polishing  a diamond.7th stanza--"When you go turn on and off like you do" the line break there just does not work for me.Last stanza, last 2 lines sounds unfinished or lacking in drama...You have style and skill,and I hope you polish this so that it not only shines,but shows off your writing ability--because it is clear that you can write! Thank you for sharing.  Peace always...Julia



Agreed, there is still some work to be done. The final stanza needs work. It should end with more strength and a little more emotion. I'll mess around with the words and see what I can come up with. I have an idea. Thanks for the review Julia. It means a lot that you see so much in my writing capability.



escorial said:


> raw and full of introspective....you use your experience's here and write with emotion and regret,angst....you put your heart into words and that for me is what drives this piece..brave and yet..enjoyable for what it is...more man...keep going lad



That's much of what I was going for. Pure but simple emotion coming from experience. It's what drives some of my work. Thanks for the comment man, I'll keep working, only going to get better. ^_^



amsawtell said:


> I believe the emotion is real but the execution leaves it lying flat.  I just found that after the first stanza (which had great imagery) the imagery become, first, cliche then is dropped altogether.  This would be so much stronger if you worked on that beginning image and shortened it into a tighter poem.  There's something visceral about that starting image that would make this a hard-hitting poem.



I see it more as, "Why reinvent the wheel?" Of course, using too much cliche is a bad thing. But cliches also provide a sense of familiarity. I think really this is more a matter of opinion. While I see the underlying bit of power in the first stanza that you mention, I wanted to try writing something longer and fully expressing myself on this, rather than an extended dark hyperbole. Thankful for your words nonetheless. 



nickpierce said:


> Read the _entire _poem.
> Read _all _the comments.
> 
> When the frustration of attempting sensitive interaction with another human being gets to the point where you find relief by punching a few holes in a wall (man, those studs have _absolutely _no give) your hand will be seasoned in a manner that lets it write your feelings down without obfuscating hyperbole.
> ...



Couldn't agree more. I try to keep it simple most of the time. When life seems like it is too much, writing is almost a way of breaking it down and at least expressing how I feel about it all. It felt good to write it down, as you said, "without obfuscating hyperbole." Thank-you for the kind words, and I'll see you around dude.



rcallaci said:


> Smith
> 
> This piece has punch-an emotional whirlwind of frustration and angst. The story telling aspect was superb...  Can this poem be improved -of course it can a poem is never truly finished. Much of the previous critique is quite sound but it's all subjective and should be taken as such.
> 
> ...



Couldn't have said it any better. I too believe that rhyme, rhythm, and free verse all have their strengths. Happy to hear you could appreciate the "musicality" of what I was trying to do here, but even happier that you understand what I was trying to do with the storytelling!  I concur that a few of the stanzas still need work, and I will be spending some more time on this. It'll never be perfect, as you said, but I can keep at it until I personally feel satisfied. 

Thanks Bob. Let me know if you ever want me to look at some of your work.


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## tiphhhhh (Dec 16, 2014)

Ah I did not realize you are so young! In that case, I think your writing style is appropriate for your age. I used to write in a similar manner when I was your age (which was really not too long ago!).


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## Guy Faukes (Dec 16, 2014)

I'm not a poetry buff, but this is pretty insightful work for someone who's only 16. It reminds me of how boys lose their connections to their mothers in order to toughen them up and keep wandering for the rest of their lives, trying to find something to replace it with. Kudos.


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## Smith (Dec 16, 2014)

tiphhhhh said:


> Ah I did not realize you are so young! In that case, I think your writing style is appropriate for your age. I used to write in a similar manner when I was your age (which was really not too long ago!).



Haha, not a problem.  Yeah, I think it's safe to say I'm one of the few here who are my age. Most people seem to be a bit older than myself, but that has its advantages.



Guy Faukes said:


> I'm not a poetry buff, but this is pretty insightful work for someone who's only 16. It reminds me of how boys lose their connections to their mothers in order to toughen them up and keep wandering for the rest of their lives, trying to find something to replace it with. Kudos.



That's alright. And thanks, glad you think so!

Very interesting way of looking at it. I'm glad that my writing is able to provide many different ways of looking at it. Never would've thought of it that way, so cool that you shared that.


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## escorial (Dec 16, 2014)

your piece say's to me you understand....would you try and write a piece about acceptance of the situation..would be interesting to read?


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## Smith (Dec 16, 2014)

escorial said:


> your piece say's to me you understand....would you try and write a piece about acceptance of the situation..would be interesting to read?



Ah, great idea man. That really is the next challenge for me, I suppose. Something I'll inevitably have to face, especially now understanding and knowing what I know. It won't be easy. It'll hurt. But I guess this is what bravery is for.


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## Ariel (Dec 17, 2014)

I refuse to accept that "ah, well, for your age you write well" is a compliment on this piece.  I think that there's something truly good here if you're willing to take it to the next step.  There is no shame in re-writing.


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## tiphhhhh (Dec 17, 2014)

amsawtell said:


> I refuse to accept that "ah, well, for your age you write well" is a compliment on this piece.  I think that there's something truly good here if you're willing to take it to the next step.  There is no shame in re-writing.



I was speaking more of the maturity level of the voice of the poem. It would be unfair to expect a sixteen year old to be able to have the maturity (in their writing or otherwise) of a forty year old.


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## Smith (Dec 17, 2014)

amsawtell said:


> I think that there's something truly good here if you're willing to take it to the next step.  There is no shame in re-writing.



Of course there's no shame in that! I rewrote the final stanza, and I think I'm very close to being personally satisfied with this piece. However, I also took into consideration what you and a few others (joshybo, escorial, and more) have said about "going to the next level" (paraphrasing) so I plan on writing a free verse poem about accepting what this work here was about, and going more in depth with it.

I do agree with you, after giving it some thought, that my poem here has a few stanzas that could really benefit from a little more imagery, by the way. Working on that right now.



tiphhhhh said:


> I was speaking more of the maturity level of the voice of the poem. It would be unfair to expect a sixteen year old to be able to have the maturity (in their writing or otherwise) of a forty year old.



Thank you, well said.


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## wainscottbl (Dec 18, 2014)

I only read a few of the comments, but I will give my own opinion. Loved it. From the heart. The classic lover whose love is unrequited. I think some of our literary liberals (not political) do not like the mild strictness of the poem, such as stanzas. I like it, and disagree that you should change it, and make it more free. That's fine sometimes, but here I think the strictness works. The strictness of stanza, and rhyme, sometimes helps us express our passions without becoming too emotional, or sappy. And on that note, I did not find it sappy. I found it simply the emotional outpouring of a lover, in the classical sense. I think some of our literary liberals do not like that. It is a matter of taste. I am a traditionalist. 

And I know what it is to come on to strong to a girl or whatever. Personally I find it annoying that we men have to play these games to get women. Men are direct, women indirect. We learn this from poets like Shakespeare, who censure the female sex for their caprice and dishonest cruelty. Sorry, ladies--just telling how it is, at least in Shakespeare! Disagree, but you can't disagree with at least the analysis of certain types of poetry. And women are indirect and use subtlety. And some of us are bad at playing by the rules. It takes experience, and in youth, that is lacking. Plus you teenagers tend to be more impulsive. So I feel for you, and I think this poem expressed the classic idea of a man's unrequited love for the "cruel woman". It is such a classic archetypes. Jung's analysis of the matter would be interesting, and if Freud says what people say he is all about, well I think he would say you must have mommy issues! I prefer Jung. Much more real at addressing the angst with females within our heart.


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## Smith (Dec 18, 2014)

wainscottbl said:


> I only read a few of the comments, but I will give my own opinion. Loved it. From the heart. The classic lover whose love is unrequited. I think some of our literary liberals (not political) do not like the mild strictness of the poem, such as stanzas. I like it, and disagree that you should change it, and make it more free. That's fine sometimes, but here I think the strictness works. The strictness of stanza, and rhyme, sometimes helps us express our passions without becoming too emotional, or sappy. And on that note, I did not find it sappy. I found it simply the emotional outpouring of a lover, in the classical sense. I think some of our literary liberals do not like that. It is a matter of taste. I am a traditionalist.
> 
> And I know what it is to come on to strong to a girl or whatever. Personally I find it annoying that we men have to play these games to get women. Men are direct, women indirect. We learn this from poets like Shakespeare, who censure the female sex for their caprice and dishonest cruelty. Sorry, ladies--just telling how it is, at least in Shakespeare! Disagree, but you can't disagree with at least the analysis of certain types of poetry. And women are indirect and use subtlety. And some of us are bad at playing by the rules. It takes experience, and in youth, that is lacking. Plus you teenagers tend to be more impulsive. So I feel for you, and I think this poem expressed the classic idea of a man's unrequited love for the "cruel woman". It is such a classic archetypes. Jung's analysis of the matter would be interesting, and if Freud says what people say he is all about, well I think he would say you must have mommy issues! I prefer Jung. Much more real at addressing the angst with females within our heart.



On my poem: I'm glad you like the use of stanzas and how it is structured. I now understand that it is a matter of subjectivity, and in certain circumstances one works better than the other. It is to my relief that the emotion is appreciated, because it is real, for writing is a way for me to express my feelings. Not to say that gets in the way of accepting critique though. I have noticed though, that there do seem to be groups of people who are 'pro free verse' and an opposing group who are 'pro classicalists' or however you want to call it. Personally, I think writing is so versatile and dependant upon so many things, including the author, that neither is better or worse, right or wrong (in an objective sense).

*phew*

Now, as for the topic of women... I try not to generalize too much. Sure, there is a grain of truth to each generalization (or, perhaps many grains) but I also try to be careful. In general, yes, it seems that guys are a little more straightforward where as women are not. Why that is, I don't know. However, I've also seen jerks using girls. 'Good' girls too, who actually want a legitimate relationship and don't have bad intentions. Unfortunately, in my life I've been successful at being with the ones who hurt me, for one reason or another. It's rough, and it can be hard to not be bitter and misogynistic. But those two things aren't in my nature.

Hopefully one day I'll find it. I guess it's an unrealistic expectation at my age anyway. At least it gives me something to write about.


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## tinacrabapple (Dec 23, 2014)

The last stanza drives the message home and I am sure it is a relief for both parties to be done with the games.  It's important to close that door when things turn confusing and feel unpleasant.


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## Smith (Dec 24, 2014)

tinacrabapple said:


> The last stanza drives the message home and I am sure it is a relief for both parties to be done with the games.  It's important to close that door when things turn confusing and feel unpleasant.



So glad you said that, because it was something that others had been mentioning as a criticism (the previous final stanza was lacking). I can't speak for her, but it is a relief to me. I miss the good times we had, but what she did to me can't be ignored. Only time will tell me what happens next. Keeping an open mind, and wishing her the best in the meanwhile.

Happy holidays.


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## BenjaminTaggart (Dec 26, 2014)

Hauntingly beautiful, could use some polishing but thankyou for the experience


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## Smith (Dec 26, 2014)

BenjaminTaggart said:


> Hauntingly beautiful, could use some polishing but thankyou for the experience



Yeah, it could. And will soon. Glad you liked it still!


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## Plasticweld (Dec 26, 2014)

I know nothing about poetry.  I do know about story telling and when it works and when it does not.  You make the reader think, you share your plight and tell about an experience, a real one.

My only complaint is the title. I have seen this thread come up on the activity screen numerous times. The title was a complete turn off for me and I really did not want to read another poor me, I am depressed story.   Your story, one of  a broken heart, is one, we just about all share as we go through life, I would not label it "mental illness"  but what it is, a broken heart.  Be thankful you have one that can be broken...Bob


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## Smith (Dec 26, 2014)

Plasticweld said:


> I know nothing about poetry.  I do know about story telling and when it works and when it does not.  You make the reader think, you share your plight and tell about an experience, a real one.
> 
> My only complaint is the title. I have seen this thread come up on the activity screen numerous times. The title was a complete turn off for me and I really did not want to read another poor me, I am depressed story.   Your story, one of  a broken heart, is one, we just about all share as we go through life, I would not label it "mental illness"  but what it is, a broken heart.  Be thankful you have one that can be broken...Bob



It's nice that you appreciate those parts of my poem here. The reason for the title is because of stanzas 3-6, which was intended to be more... dominant and important, I guess you could say. But, it didn't turn out that way.

That aspect is something I'll try to focus on more in my next piece. Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad my heart can be broken, but it hurts. Sort of a bittersweet thing in that regard.


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