# Sarcasm On



## moderan (Dec 22, 2011)

_The below is an altered version of a blogpost that appeared 12/20/11.

_*Sarcasm On*



Overnight, I had a strange series of exchanges with members of the  customer service department of my isp/phone/cable company. It seems that  they have inactive sarcasm meters and a general lack of reading  comprehension skills, which led me to getting increasingly  verbal/savage.
 The genesis of the thing is that I ordered an upgrade to my services,  which didn’t take because the apparatus to do so onsite doesn’t work  for those who are _already_ customers. But you’ll be able to figure that out from the context (or at least I’d hope so).
 Just for the sheer fun of it, I hereby present the entire exchange, with some judicious editing of names and figures:




> I’m writing about this upgrade/install appointment that  was apparently never processed: Dear _____, Thank you for being a ___  Customer, and for giving us the opportunity to help you get more out of  what you’re into! We’re happy to help you tailor your service to fit  your needs. This email is to let you know we have received your order.  Order Number: xxxxxxxxxxx Order Date: December 10, 2011 Service Address  _____
> 
> Two separate telephone calls to confirm the appointment (scheduled  between 10 and 1 pm) resulted in two customer service reps telling me  to call back and speak to either the billing department or the sales  department-they’re only tech support for television and cannot answer my  questions or set an appointment. They “don’t know anything”.
> That’s a hell of a way to run a customer service department. Worse  than Comcast, who I used to work for. Worse than Time/Warner, who I’ve  had service from in the past. It’d be great if someone could tell me why  the hell I should pay you people for this level of service. It doesn’t  seem equitable. Other internet services/television services/telephone  services are available. Perhaps I should choose one or more?



​Nice. Here’s the first reply:


> Dear ___:
> 
> 
> Thank you for your recent e-mail to ___ regarding your online order.
> ...


 
​Nice again. I followed this with a slightly more strongly-worded reply:




> Dear George S.
> 
> Interesting. _Nowhere on the website_,  unless it is buried in the fine fine print, does it say that upgrades  have to be done via telephone, live chat, or email. And I have to ask  why none of your telephone reps were able to answer my question as  simply as you have done? _Isn’t that the very sort of thing they’re supposedly trained to do_?
> Apologies are  all well and good. But you’re making it seem like the onus of  improvement is on me, the customer, who has to deal with _your_ _incompetent personnel_ once again in order to accomplish what I wanted to do. That is precisely what I was trying to avoid.
> ...


 

Which caused another CSR to remark:




> Dear _______:
> 
> 
> Thank you for your reply.
> ...


 

You’ll notice the insistence of the past-due balance idea, and the  general fogginess of the reply. Clearly this is not a person who should  be on overnight duty. I prescribe coffee and a good grammar manual. But  as I had nothing better to do, and was angered besides, I persisted:




> Dear ?,
> 
> I also thank  you for your reply, which was mostly on-topic. Really, the circular  nature of the billing cycle isn’t the deal-breaker here. I understand  perfectly that the bill comes due at a certain period, and I am in fact  billed a month in advance for your promised services. My contention is  that this practice gives me as a consumer approximately a two-week  window in which to negotiate the increase of services which I desire.  But that really isn’t the issue at hand…I do understand that the  representatives of ___ (you who are reading this missive) are probably  not the web developers who have somehow misapprehended the communal  spirit of ___, making it difficult for customers to upgrade services  because the likelihood of downgrading said services is MUCH more likely  to happen. I’ve just been wandering around the website again.
> Don’t you just find it _interesting_  that a user would have to bookmark interior pages in order to get to  what they want? Generally if things are buried, they aren’t intended to  be found.
> ...


 

I get verbal when I am really angry, past the YELLING stage, just before the _hissing between my teeth_ stage. That last comes before the _everything looks crimson_  stage that I’ve only been to a couple of times in this life. That sort  of response wouldn’t be at all proportional, though, and I reserve that  for things that really matter.
Let’s just say that the CSRs at the ISP are now just short of being  killed, repeatedly and dramatically, in print. No doubt they mean well,  but they are not in full control of their faculties. here’s the next  missive:




> Dear ___:
> 
> Thank you for your reply.
> We regret any inconvenience this matter may be causing you. It is  unfortunate that you feel that you have to bookmark our pages in order  to reliable find everything. Please know that at the bottom of each page  is a direct link to our “Contact Us” page.
> ...




 I haven’t yet replied to this. Nor did I copy the stuff I posted in the *reply to survey*  box. It was much the same as the other stuff anyway. She was waking up  and I was getting tired and was no longer enjoying the game as much.
The upshot is that I’ll pay the balance and upgrade via telephone, on  the 30th. I like best how the replies directly contradict not only each  other, but reality.
The automated system called the next day, wanting money. It offered to connect me to a real person. I took it up on the offer.
"Hello, my name is _________. What are you calling about?"
"Well, hello, ___________. My name is D_____. I'm not calling-you called me. Now that we have that established. I understand that you people want a hundred and ten dollars and seventy-four cents. Short of paying you this instant, because I don't want to do that, how do we make the whining stop?"
Insert doubtful pause here.
"I'm sorry, Mr. P_________. I don't understand..." There may be some tapping of a foot in the background. A quick drumroll with the nails. "The whining?"
"Oh, the sensahumor transplant didn't take? My condolences. Yes. I want the phone calls to stop, and I'm not going to pay you right now. So how do we proceed?"
"When do you plan to pay?"
"That all depends."
"_Do_ you plan to pay?" The thing in the background is more pronounced now. It is definitely nails drumming. I'm waiting for the fifers.
"If I must. You see, I have a problem."
Rather than dwell on the more obvious problems, I launch into an account of the above series of email exchanges, perhaps enhancing a detail or two and no doubt focusing on my side of the issue.
"So what exactly is it that you want?"
I describe, in full technicolor, my planned television/internet/phone package. My, you should excuse the expression, bundle.
"And when do you want that?" The drumming has commenced yet again. I am clearly her last call before lunch.
"I was hoping for right now. Immediately."
"And are you then planning to pay your bill right now?"
"I wasn't planning to."
"Let me put you on hold for a minute and see what the computer says."
Miss ________  has _gotten with the program_. She is clearly on the same page with me now. 
She says. " We can't do it. I need you to pay some of the bill."
I sigh. I play my hole card. "I'm planning to pay you on the 30th."
"Let me type that in here." She hits the enter key.
"No."
"Why not?"
Not soon enough ptp," she says, forgetting that you're not supposed to use company jargon with the customer. It's ok, though. That's a pretty easy acronym.
"Okay. Make it the 26th. That's a week."
"Six days. Five after it gets in the system."
Now we're getting somewhere. We have communication. I can feel the gears turning, the well-oiled hinges beginning to groan under the pressure of the massive vault doors swinging back.
"Sorry."
I chew my lower lip reflectively. I can pay the bill. I can pay the bill and still have Chinese food later, and get the dry cleaning tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? I don't have any dry cleaning.
"How about if I paid tomorrow? If I came in personally and handed you coin of the realm?"
Clickety-clickety.
"No."
It has a certain inevitability to it, that No.
I sigh. It is over. I have lost.
"Okay. Here's the number." I give her the number of my card.
We make the appointment for the tech to come out, as my enhancements include new equipment. The appointment is necessarily after the first of the year, to allow all parties ample time to screw this up too.


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## Bloggsworth (Dec 22, 2011)

Hold on just a god-damn minute there, read this sentence "Si_nce Cox bills  for services *one month in advance*, you have received services that  payment has not been received for. With this in mind we are unable to  process your request to upgrade your account until the past due balance  has been paid._" If they bill IN ADVANCE you cannot possibly be in arrears until the month for which you paid IN ADVANCE has come to an end - Or are we in a "_It depends what the meaning of is is_..." cycle?

$110.75 PER MONTH! For that I would expect my emails hand delivered by nubile young ladies wearing very little else but a smile. I pay about $15 (£11.50) a month and consider that on the expensive side - OK, I only have a 60Gb limit and "Up to" 20Mbs, but it is more than enough for my needs. Upgrading to fly-by-light unlimited download service with television & telephone would only cost about $65 per month.

It would seem that you have bumped into the mythical American inability to comprehend irony in this case - Don't your suppliers have a "*Customer retention*" department you could talk to, you are clearly wasting your literary talents writing them emails containing cogent sentences...


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## moderan (Dec 22, 2011)

Of course they do. I just haven't gotten that far yet. The "Retention" people are a last resort.
110 bucks and change is good for all telephone features, 236 channels of dreck on the screen, and 400Gb data. I'd pay that for the last, and in fact I do. 32 Mbps on the speed. I don't need more than that or I'd buy into the University of Arizona's T3, which runs past here.
Anyway, yes...the whole thing is about the csrs not comprehending the multiple ironies of the situation. Irony has but one shade here in the states, and it's sarcasm. There is no up for the the milder _ironical_ or down to the vitriolic _sardonicism_. There are no flavors between. There is only the _snide_. And I find that sheathing the saber for the bludgeon limits one's reach.


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## nerot (Dec 22, 2011)

I feel your pain.  Be glad it isn't the IRS.........


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## moderan (Dec 22, 2011)

nerot said:


> I feel your pain.  Be glad it isn't the IRS.........


My pain has little to do with the bill. I've had to do with the IRS before. I speak fluent _accountant_. I'm also well-versed in _legalese_. But I thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Your avatar is groovy.
My version of a Reader's Digest tale.


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## The Backward OX (Dec 22, 2011)

What a waste of energy.

If I’ve said this once since the beginning of electronic (mis)communication, I’ve said it a brazillian times: The entire problem is caused by individual interpretations of groups of words. You want to be clearly understood by anyone anywhere, talk to them face to face or at worst on the phone. No one *ever* achieves accord via email. End of.


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## moderan (Dec 22, 2011)

The Backward OX said:


> What a waste of energy.
> 
> If I’ve said this once since the beginning of electronic (mis)communication, I’ve said it a brazillian times: The entire problem is caused by individual interpretations of groups of words. You want to be clearly understood by anyone anywhere, talk to them face to face or at worst on the phone. No one *ever* achieves accord via email. End of.


I'm sorry. I don't understand you. And you clearly don't understand the purpose of the writing. You never do. And it isn't worth my time to try to explain it to you.


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## The Backward OX (Dec 22, 2011)

Let me put this another way (which remark is at the heart of it all): If you had gone IN PERSON to these people, and had a face-to-face discussion, _eventually_ (all other things being equal) the matter would have been resolved equably.


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## moderan (Dec 22, 2011)

The matter _has_ been resolved equably, my dear beefwich. It isn't possible (or at least isn't very desirable) to have a face-to-face meeting. The office is across town. Four bus changes and three hours worth of traveling on public transport is a little much for my respiratory system to handle.
And...I have repeatedly reached accord via email. Just not with simpletons of that stripe, or with people who deliberately misunderstand things in order to have arguments. When the brim of your hat is around your ankles, you're unable to see very clearly. I understand that. Enjoy the shade.


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## garza (Dec 23, 2011)

From the time the Internet began to function, and before that with bbs, most of my negotiations with publishers and editors have been via email. There's never been a problem caused by the method of communication. If there is an intelligent person with decent language skills and a technical grasp of the subject under discussion at each end of the conversation, email is an efficient way of doing business. 

In your case, Moderan, perhaps customer service has been out-sourced to Backbushastan, and the CSR's have yet to complete a course in English as a Second Language. They've memorised the 850 words in the Basic English vocabulary, plus a few technical terms, but have yet to learn how to assemble the words in a way that allows communication to take place. The opening sentences of their emails are obviously boiler plate. You really can't blame the CSR's. They are lost in a fog not of their making.


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## moderan (Dec 23, 2011)

Now we're getting somewhere. 
I don't really blame them. I just mine the comedy gold they produce.
Overall, this is a pretty good read for a slap-it-together. Doncha think? Good character sketch maybe, if the MC is to be a crank with a penchant for writing letters to his congressman and a talent for defrauding innkeepers.


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