# May 2016 - LM - It Grows on You - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jun 1, 2016)

bdcharlesTerry Dkilroy214PrinzeCharming20oztotalsrcallaci1415181915.7516.35ArrowInTheBowOf
TheLord - "It Grows on You13171610.819.515.26PockyPokolro19161410.71514.94Godofwine13141316.516.414.58Tealynn-"Side Effects"15161312.612.7513.87KnightPlutonian13111510.9911.78Blue121511128.511.7cleverfox-----DQ*
*Disqualified for going over word limit​

Welcome back, fellow Forumers, we had quite the competition this month, and what a whopper it was. Anyone who would like may now 'like', 'lol' or 'thank' and of the entries. I'd like to give a shout out to our judges this month. Thank you to the whole lot, I was elated to see so many throw their hat in the ring. You all did exceptional, thorough work this month. Thank you again.

And now...the winners!
In First Place, we had *Anywhere, but Here *by *rcallaci*
Second goes to *It Grows on You* by *ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord*
And in Third, *Dreaming* by *PockyPokolro*

Take a bow, everybody, and congratulations all around.  We'll see you next month.
And now...the scores!!!



[spoiler2=bdcharles' scores] It was great to see a solid turnout this month. Inventive uses of the prompt abounded! Thank you very much everyone for your time and submissions, but mostly for entrusting me with opinions about your work.

 Now, for the scores. It might seem like some of the numbers are a bit harsh, but I do want to be honest and score as I feel the story hooked and affected me as a reader as well as on criteria like SPaG. I've also tried to put in a few comments and suggestions which you are of course at liberty to ignore (full disclosure: I was called an "embarrassment to the English Department" at college, so make what you will of that).

 Okay, here we go. One last check to make sure I can add up to twenty ... and: submit!





*Author: godofwine
“Witches Brew"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall:13/20*

 Review
 Got a nice bayouesque flavour from this. Southern&swampy, you had me with the names, which add depth at low word cost. Settings and characterisations drip fed in at the right time with minimum of exposition. SPaG a tiny bit wobbly*. The title should be Witches' Brew, and "weare" needs a space, and one or two dialogue tag blips like '...Drove your mother crazy,” [<- no comma, capital T]the old woman threw her head back and laughed.' Love "cooed" though. The story itself was perfectly good, perhaps tinged with influence from Ms. Rowling subjectwise.

 I did expect Angelou to have a bigger, or different, reaction to being told she's a witch, which is the gist of this piece. That's very much something you can have a lot of fun with, but I felt was a bit of a missed opportunity here, and I did think the voice was quite generic - "X happened as Y did Z", when it wasn't relying on dialogue. Mixed metaphors with your roads-to: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but the road to Damascus is, well, probably not paved with very much right now, though it's known for being the site of the apostle Paul's sudden awakening to Christianity, and an allegory for an abrupt change of heart (Damascene conversion).

 I found myself wanting to know what the Opius does - Chekhov's gun; foreshadowing; if it's there and interesting (as Opius is), use it for narrative purpose, and if it's not vital, if it's just worldbuild, don't centre-stage it into the first line, though of course the word count limit does work against you to no insignificant degree. Perhaps think about the Creole vibe - you could swap the name "Baldwin" and tweak the speech to fit the accent, but in general I think this would make a pretty handy prologue for something where we see just how Angelou's power grows on her. Wizards hah, vampires hah, let's reboot us some boo hags! TYVM for the read :smile:

 * My comments were made a day or so after it was posted. I see it's been edited since and some of the SPaGs seem to have gone so I am not entirely sure what that means. My comments are largely from the first version.





*Author: Anonymous
“Side Effects"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall:15/20*

 Review:
 This was a funny little curiosity, allowing us a glimpse into the soap opera life of test animals. The opening set the tone nicely and from line 1 I knew, by the mindless lab-rat motifs bookending the piece and scattered throughout, that we were dealing with rodents (thought rabbits at first). Some dialogguing issues (oh, come on, "dialogguing"'s a great word!) eg. 'Tricks showed her teeth,[<- should be full stop/period] “There's nothing wrong with being you...' Some great phrasings: "razor angry skin" and the names were perfect because they almost sounded like noises, but then there were some slightly random interjections, eg. "She reached out and touched the lumpy nakedness. Lumpy?" [<- not sure why this word is here] I like the twee little rat personalities you have created - quite Pratchettian. I felt a little sorry for them all by the end, as if nothing had - or ever would - change for them, that they'd never know their predicament, ignorance being bliss and all that :smile: Mind you, that fact kind of undermines the effect a little, for me, which could have been amped up by something really oddball going down. But generally, nice work! :smile:




*Author: CleverFox
“Straight From The Hand"
 Spelling/Grammar: /5
 Tone/Voice: /5
 Effect: /10
 Overall:/20*

 Review:
 Your writing is very cool and stylish and gramatically/spellingwise flawless, with several smart phrasings in there. This one, "In the movies, the dreamer moves away from the small town.", really stood out for me and I think would be a knock-out first line. On the other hand, in the first three paragraphs the same point is made, and the text gets belaboured, about what sort of person the narrator-I is. It reads more like a character synopsis. Nothing wrong with a character synopsis but it's not what I'm after here. Nothing really happens that couldn't be better encapuslated in perhaps a handful of your best lines from the piece, giving you room to show us, say, the I killing the brother and stealing his identity or something. There's loads of scope. I like these tales of back-roads Americana, but as a setting it can sometimes be terribly prone to cliche. Good effort though, and could certainly form something interesting out of it.

 Maybe you could lend Blue some of your extra words? :wink:


*Author: rcallaci
“Anywhere But Here"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall:14/20*

 Review:
 It's an interesting idea; the one of consciousness transfer, faith swaps and the idea of being another person (which we've all wondered about, let's face it). I read one short story similar(-ish) to this once, by a relatively new writer who struggled generally but that nonetheless had one of the biggest bang effects on me I had had for a while, so outlandish yet so relevant was the story. It's incredible what a strong idea can do, but please, please, please explain why you didn't start with "Dr. Felicia Fox’s neural nanobots went into parasitic overdrive". That's such a very brilliant line. Much of the remaining writing was a wee bit dry, however, which wasn't helped by the repeated parentheses, particularly that big sciencey interlude about bonding and anomalies. I can't shake the feeling that you rushed this or dashed it off quickly for kicks - which is fine, of course, but it ain't gonna win you no prizes!

 I thought the name "Rockefeller Rickerford" was a bit too comedic for the piece, and I didn't massively sympathise with him and his idea that hell is "being a woman" and not having a penis, though he did make me chuckle a bit, being that he was such a bombastic sort of bastard. I feel a bit cheated that he survived and that Dr. Felicia Fox had to die (or at least cease to be a factor in the story) at the bottom of a foxhole, facedown in a puddle of irony. Not so lucky, I guess. 

 Oh: death may well be eminent on a battlefield. I imagine it's never far from anyone's mind and war falls neatly within its purview but I wonder if you meant "imminent". :wink:

 Watch for unnecessary words, eg:
“WHERE THE FUCK, AM I,” I screamed, no, no, not screamed, but gurgled. (how can one scream when you have a collapsed lung, mangled tongue and half a face)
 If the guy didn't scream, don't write that he did, even if you backtrack later. Just skip it otherwise it is like he is pondering on all this stuff even as he drowns in his own goo.
 Why not:
“WHERE THE FUCK, AM I,” I gurgled through mangled tongue and half a face.

 Was the prompt shoehorned in there? It seemed tied to a fairly minor realisation. But apart from that quite an exciting story.




*Author: Blue
“Remember?"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 5/10
 Overall:12/20*

 Review: 
 Your writing is good, with no big grammar problems that I could see. The setting is well-realised without being an infodump. I like your dialogue too. It's very smooth with all the right tags in all the right places but hfffft, ok, what is happening here? Two old friends, one is some sort of vampiric assassin, the other his mark? Do they work together? Does Parker escape? I don't know. Maybe this is "part of something bigger" but that doesn't help you. I went to an agent once with a blank piece of paper saying it was part of something bigger and the myopic fool rejected it. I went back with another blank sheet and said "it was for the reader to decide" - again, no representation. I jest but you see my point. You have to actually deliver. I don't know who these people are, what they did. All I know is this one little vignette. Invoke. Also choose your POV. We switch a little between Parker - noticing the god-knows-what on the ceiling, and Grimm, remembering how far back they went, and how times had changed. I would have liked to see more of either Parker's humanity or Grimm's not. Pinning us with one character can help us sympathise with them and accentuate the otherness of the other and the split, the conflict, between them. Grimm, despite being some sort of undead, seems pretty run-of-the-mill. You have 200 unused words - use em up! Fill that space! :smile:

 Little style wobble here for which I had to dock you a grammar point:

 Parker flinched away.

“What are you going to do?” said Parker. 

 Stick em on the same line or smoosh together to avoid repeating and to keep it smooth; eg:

 Parker flinched away. “What are you going to do?”

Repetition of "bruises" so maybe try and think of some other imagery, eg:

 The native New Yorker’s face was cautious behind purpled cheeks and busted lip.

 Can't believe you came up 200 words short! That's the sort of thing I would do :smile:



*Author: KnightPlutonian
“Blue Shimmer"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall:13/20*

 Review:
 Pretty gruesome premise, including some nice phrasings, eg: "throwing them against the walls with his linebacker physique" - great expression! "God, he hoped George was dead" is very powerful. I liked the ending too. Is that how it feels, I wonder, when the blue shimmer gets you? I love the idea that something terrible like being zombified feels pretty good, enchanting almost. 

 That said, the opener is a little generic. X did Y on his shirt. The following several sentences don't change that unfortunately (though it does pick up later), reading like a list of workaday actions, so you could try something like:

 In the dimly lit cavern, Aaron slopped pondwater over his face and shirt before leaning against the wall, elbows resting on the rips at his knees.

 Whereby you strip out all the extraneous filler, "pushed gently", "some down his shirt", "few careful moments", "as he inspected", "similarly scraped" - it's too much info about things that don't need that much attention. Put the guy in position without too much fuss and then shift your word count to things that matter, like the blue simians, how they got down there, etc. Watch also for excess "it was", "there were", "as", eg:

 The torchlight was flickery and dim, but Aaron was sure he hadn’t any of the horrid mold on his hands or knees. He shuddered momentarily as he remembered the skeletal things that had snatched him and his friends. 

 Could become (just to show a different way of going about it, keeping all the info but presenting it differently and with the MC's voice and perception and word choice):

 Aaron checked his hands in the flickery torchlight, wiping them on his jeans to clear them of any horrid mold. Skeletal things, terrible bony dreads with sunken eyes and runny faces had snatched at him, taken his friends, and he could almost hear them creeping through the dim tunnels, knuckles dragging on the sharp rock that gouged his knees. 

 Comma splices:
 He’d spotted on Jordan right before he turned on Tammie, writhing and growing inches at a time from his shoulder,[<- splice; use . ; conjunction, m-dash, anything but comma] one of them must have touched him while he helped George fight those things.
 He’d fought against those things,[<- splice] he definitely touched them trying to get Alexis back

 Watch repetition. I like the word "shimmer" as much as anyone, but you use it four times here. I realise that it is the title too but - thought it needed a mention. Incandescence, opalescene, pearlescence, iridescence, hell, even "the azure half-light" (okay, maybe not) :smile:  Pretty good story nonetheless.



*Author: PockyPokolro
“Dreaming"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 10/10
 Overall:19/20*

 Review:
 Okay, now I am pounding my fist on the table because this is an absolute gem. I am of course a terrible fraud for presuming to "judge" something of this quality so need to approach it only as a reader and say that firstly I love your style - understated, evocative, beautiful. I felt a shiver at this: "Later on, a boy had reached out his hand towards me, for I was one of his so-called 'dreams'". At that moment knew I was in for a treat. I find your narrator utterly beguiling, and your imagery - desires overflowing like champagne, more vigour than a Frisbee - just perfect. What does it mean to be someone's dream? Well, that is the question. The love she has for this boy as he passes through life, the sense of dedication to him, is something most of us can only hope to receive. I feel profoundly for her - like she has unknowable depths and sensitivities but also these incredible flaws where she needs someone to give her purpose, to make her feel like she herself is growing, yet barely existing on her own. Her stunted reaction at her boyfriend's death had me thinking - was she a robot he built? One of those Japanese do-it-yourself kits for lonely businessmen and rich college boys? You see, your writing style is informing my comments, and in turn your story grows on me. The only thing I would look at is the italics and a little formatting, spaces and quotes here and there to match up, but I don't know what I'd do with any of them - just be consistent in each function you're using them for, I guess. Nothing more from me. :smile:




*Author: Anonymous
“It Grows On You"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 5/10
 Overall:13/20*

 Review:
 I loved Charly. She's kind of a bad-ass chick, dropping her smoke on the floor and not giving a rip. Ever see "Sexy Beast" with Ben Kingsley? He has this same disregard for others, and is not afraid to show his power. Though I do wonder why she coughs and flushes. Is she excited by the prospect? Grammar and spelling are pretty solid, and your dialogue is smooth and very well-controlled. But why not give us some descriptors, some visuals of New Aviv or the gang, or the senator and the mission, or even the things around the room that characters can fiddle about with and belie their mindsets, invoke some body language? You have 80 odd words unused.

 The opening line needs beefing up. In a novel you could probably get away with it but in microfiction, things must be uber-efficient. Why not have something of note happening in "the dark room" rather than just saying "the room was dark". That way we get the setting not in a straight "the sky was blue" description but a vivid event set playing out against a described backdrop, and at a lower word count:

 Dice knitted his bony fingers together, leaning forward from the shadows in his crimson red chair.

 ^ On that note, crimson is red. Maybe "crimson red" is a thing, but is the chair enough of a thing to deserve that much info. "Red leather chair" maybe?

 What happens? Something is about to happen, sure. Charly is having some thoughts about what she has to do, and it's all a bit grim and tense, but ... what is it about this moment that warrants a story? The pages that come after this might cover all that interesting stuff - but you didn't submit those! :smile:  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Terry D's scores] *godofwine
“Witch’s Brew”

**Total      14 of 20*

*SPaG – 4 of 5*      Over all very well done. I just have a couple of nits to pick. The first is the use of the ‘interrobang’ (?!). I hate that thing. It’s not a real bit of punctuation and is very jarring to me. The second is in paragraph 6/7. The line – _Drula pushed up with her arms to sit up straighter in the bed and continued._—is a dialogue tag, so there should be a comma at the end of it with the paragraph 7 dialogue following. Also, because of the above, there should be a period rather than a comma after “inaccurate.” 

*Tone and Voice – 3 of 5*   The tone of the piece is consistent, but rather bland, as if you didn’t know what you wanted the story to be. The voice was the same, with no sense of who the people in the story are. Of the two, the child is better rendered.

*Effect – 7 of 10*    The writing carried this one. It was easy to read, and structured very well. You are getting the technical bits of writing down very well. This one just lacked some texture and identity.

*Anonymous
“Side Effects”*

*Total      16 of 20*

*SPaG – 4 of 5*      You set some challenges for yourself with some of your SPaG choices and, for the most part, pulled them off well. I did find the construction of; Murmured “Not me’s. I haven’t. Here we go again,” answered her. ; somewhat clumsy. IMO it would work better as three separate statements enclosed in single quotes rather than as a single quotation. I get what you are trying to do but it disrupted the flow for me. Also, there were too many descriptive dialogue attributions like, “added breathlessly” and “stated triumphantly”.

*Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 *                    All the characters sound the same to me and I think they did to you also because of the number of times you felt the need to use their names. The names are repeated a lot.

*Effect – 9 of 10 *      I thought they were rabbits at first. We’ll call that the ‘Watership Down’ effect. But I really liked the take on the prompt and the lab-rat POV. I think this one needs more room to breathe so you can draw out the pace a bit, but all in all a very nice entry. Thanks.


*
 CleverFox
“Straight from the Hand”*

*Total      0 of 20*

*SPaG –  of 5 *     Very, very well written. Cudos to you. The only nit I found was in – Leave one Hell only to reside in another? – “Hell” is used as a generic here and shouldn’t be capitalized.

*Tone and Voice –  of 5  *   Even and consistent throughout. Very smooth to read. My only complaint is that there’s nothing unique about the narrator’s voice. Nothing distinctive. I would expect anger, or frustration, but it comes across rather bland.

*Effect –  of 10*      I don’t find a story here, and, since nothing really changes for the protagonist, I didn’t see a connection to the prompt. It reads more like an opinion piece, or a memoir. Flash fiction should be more than a vignette. It should have a full story arc. You have the tools, build with them.


*rcallaci
“Anywhere but Here”*

*Total    15 of 20*
*
 SPaG – 3 of 5 *     A few errors that stood out for me; … the sounds of carnage and war *are* deafening. …blood is pouring out of every orifice *in* my body. “WHERE THE FUCK AM I*?*” I screamed…

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 *    The fear and pain comes through in this piece, very well in the fox-hole, and somewhat in the lab. You started to loose me a bit during the explanation with the nanobots, but recovered nicely.

*Effect – 8 of 10*     You crammed a lot into a few words. A POV change (not once, not twice, but three times!) is tough to pull off in flash fiction. A nice take on the prompt. Well done.

*
 Blue
“Remember?”*

*Total -- 15 of 20*

*SPaG – 3 of 5 *     Pretty well done, with just a few noticeable grammar and word-choice issues. …face was cautious behind the purple bruises and busted lip. His face is bruised and busted it can’t be behind the damage. …both shielded from their families*’ *involvement… There are also some strange paragraphing errors (most notably in paragraph 7/8 and then the four lines before the end), probably caused by importing the story.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*     You captured the characters well. I had no problem distinguishing between them and the overall tone was consistent and smooth.

*Effect – 8 of 10 *      A nice, gritty story. It makes me want to know more about their world and what’s going on in it. I like starting with dialogue, and then you ended with dialogue; that makes for a nice book-end effect.


*KightPlutonian
“Blue Shimmer”*

*Total – 11 of 20
*
*SPaG – 3 of 5*      In the first sentence alone thereare a couple of SPaG errors: No comma needed after cavern; and I don’t think ‘leant’ is a word. You also use that terrible ‘interrobang’ (?!). As I mentioned in a previous review, that’s not even a legitimate punctuation mark. The piece has promise, but you seem to be trying too hard to write with style instead of just telling your story and letting the style come naturally.
*
 Tone and Voice – 2 of 5*        There was nothing remarkable about the narrator’s voice. The POV was very close to the protagonist, but still the narration was very flat and matter-of-fact. A simple relaying of information, with no sense of emotion or of place. How did the muck on his hands make him feel? What did the place smell like? Was it cold and dry, or hot and humid?

*Effect – 6 of 10*         I’ve got a thing for caves and mines, so the story appealed to me in that way, and I liked the twist at the end. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was satisfying. This story meets one of my major criteria for an LM entry; it is a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. However, it reads as if it was written quickly with not much thought given to revision or polish.


*PockyPocolro
“Dreaming”*

*Total – 16 of 20*

*SPaG – 5 of 5 *       I’m either way off on this and the SPaG is terrible, or you did exactly what you wanted to do with the structure, grammar, punctuation. It’s built more like a poem that a story, but I’ll come back to that.

*Tone and Voice – 5 of 5*       This piece has a lyrical quality playing throughout and it doesn’t miss a beat to my ear. The narrator’s voice is strong and consistent with a dreamy, distant, lethargy that is very clear.

*Effect – 6 of 10*     Part of me wants to give this piece a higher score, but another parts wants to drop it down. It is very well written, and I like stories written with a poet’s feel for the sound of language, I just can’t warm up to the stanzafied structure of this one. Creative? Sure. But it just doesn’t work for me. The LM is a short story competition, and I respect the form enough to expect a story-like structure. That’s probably a prejudice that is totally on me, but there it is.


*Anonymous
“It Grows On You”
*
*Total – 17 of 20*

*SPaG – 4 of 5*       Well executed, but there were a couple of spots where I thought an ellipsis might work better than a comma to indicate a longer, more thoughtful, pause.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*        Very noir. You do a nice job of delivering a sense of grittiness mostly through dialogue. The reader is inside the head of the protagonist from start to finish.

*Effect – 9 of 10*         This is a sliver of a story, but it is complete. I was left wanting to know more about your protagonist, but I was given enough to satisfy for this story. Good work. The only complaints I have are minor ones. I didn’t like the use of the word ‘gang’. I don’t think gang members think of themselves that way, nor do I believe they would refer to other organizations as such. It sounds clunky and artificial to me. Something like: “Fortunately, Olsen’s crew made our job easier…” Or, “Why did you come to us? Are you looking for more excuses?” would sound better to me. Still, all-in-all a terrific little tale.  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=kilroy214's scores] Witches Brew
 Godofwine

 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 13

 There were a couple of SPaG issues that held this story back a tad, one of which is the title itself. I couldn’t help but think that it should have read "Witch’s Brew", or at least "Witches’ Brew". In the first line I came across the word ‘Opius’ and had to stop and look up what that was, and found out it is apparently a genus of wasp species. I’m not sure if this is what you were going for, but it did not seem to be the case. Anyway, if you were, the word should have been capitalized.

 "What are you?!" – use either the exclamation point or the question mark here, not both. The question mark is preferable, we should already know by her actions that Angelou is shocked and stunned by this sudden revelation, so the exclamation mark is redundant.
 To further go on, Angelou speaks with way too many exclamation points in her dialogue to the point she feels like an overly emotional train wreck by the end of the story. Dial back on those puppies, exclamation points should be used far and few between. (This is merely an observation of my own, so I did not detract from your SPaG score because of this)

 uncle Baldwin / aunt Divina – should be Uncle Baldwin / aunt Divina

 "Child," Drula said. "Give your Granny a hug." – should read "Child," Drula said, "give your Granny a hug." As it is a continuation of the sentence.

 I liked the relationship between the characters of the story, it had a very southern feel to it, mainly through the dialogue, which was great characterization on the Granny’s character. I felt the Angelou was written emotionally over the top, which detracted a little. I get she’s just a kid and this would be a lot to take in, but I think her character could have been a bit more subdued and retained the same emotional feel you were going for. 
 I could also not help but wonder after reading the end why Granny Drula decided to lay this all out on the kid all of the sudden. It would have gone a long way in exploring motivations of characters if Angelou had experienced some accidental magic and was confused about what was going on.

　
Side Effects
 TeaLynn

 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 13

 I thought this was a pretty clever job on the prompt and enjoyed it for the most part. There were several punctuation issues that were jarring and took me out of the story, namely…

Murmured "Not me’s. I haven’t. Here we go again," answered her. – There is a whole lot going on there, and I don’t believe much of it is correct. For one, each response needs quotations as these are all coming from multiple responders, and I’m not sure why there is an apostrophe after the ‘me’. I think it should read…

Murmured "Not Me"s, "I haven’t"s, and "Here we go again"s answered her. – and to be honest, I don’t even feel this is right, if these are all a single response from each of the other characters, each should have its own line and should have read….

 "Seen Tock this morning?"
 The others murmured.
 "Not me."
 "I haven’t."
 "Here we go again."

 There were a couple of small things, like ‘no where’ should be ‘nowhere’, "Tricks eyes lingered…" should be "Tricks’ eyes lingered…" "Cherry scurried over and leaned over Tricks’ shoulder." – lose one of the ‘over’s, possibly use ‘scurried to Tricks and leaned over her shoulder."

 There is an instance where they are a talking about the lumps, starting at "Tock Jerked away…" where there are no dialogue tags at all and it is very confusing as to who is saying what for the next several lines.

 "Tricks shrugged a what are you gonna do back at her." – should be something more like "Tricks shrugged a what-are-you-gonna-do back at her." Or something of the like.

 Overall, the story is unsettling throughout, in a good way, and the reveal is pretty clever and done well, although I assumed they were rabbits at first, not rats. (It may have been all the carrot eating, which I guess means I was stereotyping lab animals, which makes me a racist…no…that’s not right…a speciest? Maybe? Hell if I know)
 Anyway, most of the issues I had with this story were cosmetic, really, nothing a good polish of editing couldn’t take care of.

　
Straight from the Hand
 CleverFox

 SPaG: -
Tone: -
Effect: -
Total: DQ – over the allotted word count.

 First off, the SPaG in this story was clean as a whistle. The only thing I took issue with was in the line that starts with "I watch the pretty girl at the next station…" this line has five commas in it and it is only 32 words long. It made it sound a little clunky there, but for the most part, this is a minor nit, and an easily fixed one at that.

 I didn’t actually feel like there was a story here. This almost felt like we were reading a page out of an angsty teenager’s diary, and I did not really see where the prompt tied in with the story.
 I can appreciate the sentiment of the lamentation of the main character, but there is such a "Woe is me" feel to his voice that he came off whiney and arrogant to me. He recognizes he’s stuck in a dead end job in a dead end town, and does nothing to stop the progression of becoming assimilated into the mediocrity of it all. He talks of not being able to go to college, or the funds to get away, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he is so smart, why couldn’t he get a scholarship.
 If this was a story about how he wanted out of town and he received his acceptance letter (or rejection letter for that matter) to college, or his bus ride to a big town to apply for a job he was actually interested in and his nervousness he felt about the interview, there is a character arc that the reader can relate to, and if we like the character, we’ll route for him.
 However, he sits and comments about how the others in town are mindless drones, but does nothing to improve his situation and break free, and this really turned me off to him and his plight.

　
Anywhere, but Here
 Rcallaci

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 9
 Total: 18

 I thought this was clever, creative take on the prompt, and enjoyed the morbid humor that laced certain parts. There was a bit of tense differences going on, like the story couldn’t decide if it wanted to be present of past tense.
 I thought the duality of how both characters felt their transfer was a damnation of sorts and ended with their salvation was brilliant, especially what both character’s felt physically and emotionally in both cases. It was satisfying in its completeness as well; I can’t believe this was only 650 words. Good job.

　
Remember?
 Blue

 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 11

 I’m not going to lie; I was fairly lost throughout most of this story. This felt very much a small window view into a much broader world where there is a lot of heavy stuff going down, and there was just too little time for the regular joe to glean enough info to know just what was going on.
 Spelling wasn’t bad, punctuation there were a few hiccups, the third sentence is a fragment, and there were several lines that sounded rather clunky or just did not read well, mostly dialogue.

 A couple other things just felt a little…off to the naked eye.

 Guy Fawkes Night – I might just be a dumb American, but I thought it was called Bonfire Night.
 "…his hand twitching nearer the shotgun in its holster." – Shotguns don’t normally go in holsters.
 "Him and Parker went a long way." – A long way where? A long way back?
 Grimm pointed his gun…Grimm cocked his gun…Grimm lowered his gun. – Dialogue punctuated with these actions got repetitive really quick.
 "…involvement in the Paranormal…" – why is Paranormal capitalized?

 The setting merely wets the reader’s appetite but just doesn’t satisfy, and it felt like this was just a scene in a much larger story, and therefore did not have much cohesion or make much sense in the context it is given.
 The intensity is presented well, and the tension between the characters is palpable, thought we never truly get to find out why these two are at odds with each other.

　
Blue Shimmer
 KnightPlutonian

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 7
 Total: 15

 I liked this story. It was simple, straightforward and satisfying. I thank you for that. There is almost a Lovecraftian hallmark to it in its eeriness, an impending doom that you can’t shake off, and then at the end you find out why. It was well executed.
 The narrative from the MC’s point of view fell a little flat for me, his recounting of what happened to his friends felt a like it went on a little too long, it was time and words that could have been used to better describe the physical characteristics of his surroundings or added character development for the MC.

　
Dreaming
 PockyPokolrol

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 14

 This song eerily reminds me of a Jeff Buckley song. I thought the voice in this story was strong, and all in all, it was an interesting story, and a heartbreaking one at that. I have to say, though, it took me a second reading to really comprehend everything. I liked the use of sound as a form or recall and scene change, there is almost something poetic in that, like there are interludes, a bridge and a coda. However, I think that is the reason I had to reread certain parts over again. Some of these scene changes are jarring and abrupt.
 One issue I had, and I tried like hell to ignore it, but could not, was that there are a ton of hyphens in this story. I’m not enough of an English study to know if they are all used correctly, but even if they are, it became a distraction to me as I read on. Possibly a good example of too much of a good thing.

　
It Grows on You
 ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 8
 Total: 16

 I loved the old west feel this story instills upon the reader. There is a real sense of grit, and it went a long way in character development. There are many times I’ve seen entries that were fragments of a larger world and just did not work, at times I would tell one of these entrants ‘It feels like you are trying to fit too much story into it.’
This story is one of those where we see a glimpse to a much broader setting, a larger world that we are merely getting to see through a peephole.
 It is NOT, however, one of the ones that doesn’t work. This story works, and it works well. It has a beginning, middle, end, and it leaves the reader wanting more, to see more of this world. Well done  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=PrinzeCharming's scores] Critiquing grows on me. I am intrigued to judge for the LM challenge. Thank you everyone for participating. This was not an easy challenge to judge. You all offered something unique to the table. Don’t focus too much on the scores. The critiques offer the most invaluable insight to your writing. I am always attached to the work I critique. I genuinely care about you, as a member and as a writer. Please, whatever you do, take my critique with an open mind. Develop that love/hate relationship with my advice. Read, reflect, and refine. If I have time, I will talk to you outside the final score thread.

*Author: godofwine*
*Story: Witches Brew*
*SPaG: 4*
*Tone / Voice: 4*
*Effect: 8.5*
*Overall: 16.5
*

 The title is meh. I have seen a lot of witchery movies to say this doesn’t spark anything unique. ‘Witches Brew’ is as cliché as saying, “Teachers Educate.”  I admire the imagery in the first line. You allow the reader to enter the room to watch the witchery take place. The child’s innocence and curiosity was depicted well. The actions expressed throughout the dialogue can be shortened. 








 Originally Posted by *godofwine* 

 
“Yes, dear. What _we_ are,” she began. “Some call us witches, but…that term is a bit inaccurate,” Drula pushed up with her arms to sit up straighter in the bed and continued.




 Try to refine this a bit. You can omit, ‘up with,’ to say, “Drula pushed her arms...” You can even say, ‘extended her arms’ vs. ‘pushed up with her arms.’ It breaks down the words to make everything flow nicer. You can also omit ‘and continued.’ If she was to continue, we would find out after this sentence. 







 Originally Posted by *godofwine* 

 
Angelou gasped and looked at the palms of her hands, then the other side, and back to her palms. “But, I don’t have any powers, grandma.” The girl’s saddened face pained her grandmother, and she placed her wrinkled hand in the hands of her granddaughter.




 This allows the reader to understand the child better. I admire this scene. The naivety and exploration are depicted well. She wants to find out if she can do magic. You can shorten this down a bit. Try to emphasize on the ‘any’ by italicizing the word.


*Ex. 
*
“Angelou gasped, looking at both sides of her hands, her saddened face pained her grandmother. 

“But, I don’t have _any _powers, grandma.” 

Her grandmother placed her wrinkled hand into her granddaughter’s hands.


 See how that flows? Beautiful. The same message but stronger.








 Originally Posted by *godofwine* 

 
“Your mother wanted to be like everyone else. She was bothered by her ability and so never used it, never perfected it, and never wanted it to passed on to her child…that would be you. But for that last part she was powerless to stop, you hear?”




This is a lot of information for a young child realizing her own potential. Poor kid. At this point, she wants to know what belief has to do with magic. She wants to know why she isn’t believing enough to see instant results. Try to refine this message.


*Ex.*


“She never used her ability, never perfected it, and never wanted her children to use it either. That would be you, child.” 








 Originally Posted by *godofwine* 

 
“You are special, child. Always have been. As a babe you used to knock your bottle to the floor and *spirit *it back in front of you before it touched the ground.




 That’s an interesting concept, *to spirit *something. I would have used, ‘*levitate*.’


You created a heartfelt ending. I enjoyed this piece. The family bond was natural. The story depicted was intended for all ages. This has a lot of potential to be something greater. That’s all in your hands. Thanks for sharing.


*Author: Anonymous(e) *
*Story: Side Effects*
*SPaG: 4*
*Tone / Voice: 3.6*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 12.6*


 Instantly, the title says, “Prescriptions.” I am intrigued to see what it’s about. 
 I’ll admit. The names are unique. That’s interesting.








 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Tricks yawned as she joined the others. Dash nodded in greeting and stuffed more corn into his mouth.




 Yawn-ed. Nodd-ed. Greet-ing. Stuff-ed. See how ‘greeting’ used as a noun vs. a verb was confusing. Now, I understand. Instead of ‘nodded in greeting,’ which isn’t normally expressed like that, try, “Dash, stuffed more corn into his mouth, greeted Tricks.” I am not sure why Tricks yawned. Is this event boring? 







 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
She shivered at his unhealthy appearance and missed his knowing look.




 Use ‘Tricks here’ instead of ‘she’. It will tie the characters together.








 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Tricks showed her teeth, “There's nothing wrong with being you, O.B. What would we do without your years of experience?”




I like how you compare the characters with each other. There’s a nice flow of natural dialogue. Now, ‘your years of experience,” can easily be replaced as, ‘your *expertise*.’








 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
As she wiped at the resulting mess, she asked, “Seen Tock this morning?”




Interesting. You described the aftermath of a sneeze as, “the resulting mess.” Why not just say, “blew her nose” or “wiped her nose”?








 Originally Posted by *anonymous* 

 
Tricks shrugged a what are ya gonna do back at her.




 Tricks shrugged a, ‘what are ya gonna do,’ back at her. 


 I am intrigued when I discover Tricks is a rat near the end. Why wasn’t I introduced this in the beginning? Wait, this entire story is about rats. Okay, that changes everything. Wow. Please, for the love of rat communities, introduce this in the beginning. If you forget to introduce your characters, your readers will be confused when you mention, “I never sad a rat’s ear.” Wow, the carrots and corn are clear now. That was a bit awkward. I literally imagined a waiting room full of sick human patients eating corn and carrots. Lab rats!  Okay, got it. Wow. Interesting take on the prompt. Literally - it grows on you. Thanks for sharing!


*Author: CleverFox*
*Story: Straight from the Hand*
*SPaG: *
*Tone / Voice: *
*Effect: *
*Overall: DQ*


 The title is intriguing. i am curious to know what is coming straight from the hand.








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
I had an *averagely painful *childhood in a *painfully average *small town.




 Okay, I understand the averagely painful childhood. How exactly was the small town painfully average? Is it bad to be average? What constitutes an average town? What makes it painful? Small population? Everyone knows everyone? I would omit, “- in a painfully average small town.” I wouldn’t bother to bring up the town either, unless the town has some significance to the story. 







 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
Not enough can be said about rural America. Rural America, it’s where a child grows up knowing his place. Rural America, it’s where sameness is idolized as much as God himself and individuality must be straight from the hand of Satan.




 Well, rural America is a big topic. I would omit, “not enough can be said about rural America,” and go straight into what you have to say.  Let us know what you feel about rural America. We will determine whether it was enough. There’s a lot going on here. Let’s break it up into points.





 Rural America
it’s where a child grows up (upbringing)
knowing his place  (what does this mean exactly?) 
 Rural America  (now redundant since first bullet) (omit)
It’s where sameness is idolized
as much as God himself  (religious society)
and individuality must be straight from
the hand of Satan.

 Wow, that’s a lot to take in!


 Let’s refine it as this example.

*Ex.
*
_"Rural America is a religious society where a child is raised, sameness is idolized,  and individuality is influenced by Satan."_


 See the difference?








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
Sometimes, I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.




 Just say it. *“The universe is playing a cruel joke on me.”

*






 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
I am made for a sprawling metropolis, with creative districts and authors. I will never accomplish anything in a teeny, tiny, Texas town.




 Okay, it’s great you finally give the reader the geographical perspective needed to ‘kinda’ get a gist of where you’re miserable. This should have been introduced earlier.








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
At twenty, I already feel like I am suffocating. I feel like I will spend my life having my dreams shattered, stolen from me by some cruel force that saw fit to abandon me to small town USA.




 Drop the feelings and likes. No, seriously. Watch what happens.


*Ex.

*
“At twenty years young, I am suffocating. I will spend my life having dreams shattered, taken by some cruel force that placed me in Texas.” 
Do you feel the flow? It goes from blog writing to story writing.








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
In the movies, the dreamer moves away from the small town. If only real life were as easy as movies.




 What movies? Are you generalizing? Try, “Depicted in movies,...” Then, “If only real life was that easy.” ‘Were’ represents something plural. 
*
 Ex.

*
 If only real lives were that easy. 
 If only they (real lives) were that easy. 
 If only real life was that easy. 
 If only it (real life) was that easy. 
 Do you see the difference?








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
There are very few ways in which people leave this little corner of Hell.




 Again, go straight to it. “People leave this little corner of Hell in limited ways.” 







 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
The most common way people get out is by going away to college.




 College is the most common way to get out (of Texas). 
 You can add ‘- of Texas. That’s an option.








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
The only other two options for escape involve death. I could escape this town by escaping my life altogether, though what would be the purpose in that? Leave one Hell only to reside in another?




 Despite the unfortunate thoughts, you can cut this down a bit too.

*Ex.

*
“The other two options for escape involve death. I could escape through suicide. That serves no purpose. I would leave one Hell only to reside in another. 








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
My final option is to ultimately release another from this prison, committing myself to a much more literal prison in the process.




 Omit ‘ultimately.’ Clarify ‘another’. ‘Prison’ seems a bit too harsh and confined. Just open the front door and leave for fresh air. If you want to say prison, say prison. Let the reader know you’re contemplating crime. If you beat around the bush, you will lose the reader’s interest.


*“My final option is to commit a crime and serve time behind bars.”
* 

Pressed the easy button. That’s beautiful. Now, I can appreciate your suffering. You’re trapped. You experience limitations and loss of hope. Your options are limited. I like the raw emotions depicted here.








 Originally Posted by *CleverFox* 

 
I watch the pretty girl at the next station down, sadly thinking that, in only a few short years, this town, this job, will rid her of any youthful beauty she has.




 I really like this line, despite the verbosity. You genuinely express the character’s thoughts and feelings well. I would remove the emphasis of the town.


 Refine it.

*Ex.* 

“I watch the pretty girl at the next station. In only a few years, this job will strip away her beauty.” 


Interesting ending. I would italicize, ‘is’ vs. bold to emphasize this idea. It has a sentimental touch of family, commitment, and determination to succeed. Thanks for sharing.

*Author: rcallaci*
*Story: Anywhere, but Here*
*SPaG: 5*
*Tone / Voice: 5*
*Effect: 9*
*Overall: 19

*
 Okay, I am intrigued. You got me. Where is here? Why not here? I am ready to find out! Instantly, the first line places the reader into a potential crossfire. The word choice here is unique. If it’s said correctly, it flows beautifully as shots are being fired.








 Originally Posted by *rcallaci* 

 
I find myself in a bug infested pit, lying in a pool of blood. I smell piss, shit, and burning meat.




 Instantly, the reader is naturally placed in this setting. You bring out the morbid ambiance. What stands out the most - the burning meat. It’s an intriguing smell, especially after the reader realizes and differentiates the meat from animal to human.








 Originally Posted by *rcallaci* 

 
Blood is pouring out of every orifice on my body.




 My interest is rising. You now engage the reader with more details. When I hear orifice, I can only imagine every orifice. It’s an awkward reflection, but vivid imagery to continue reading. There is a distant ‘feel’ from the character. This allows the reader to question the sanity here. Brilliant. You finally admit the agony.








 Originally Posted by *rcallaci* 

 
I ask myself, how can you be remembered when you weren’t yet born? This is what you get when you play with Time.




 This is an interesting concept. It’s open to a lot of interpretations. As I continue, I must admit I applaud the realism depicted here. Why, or even how, would you scream? Gurgled. Brilliant reflection. This was absolutely an interesting roller coaster of events. You depicted some weird Freudian shit. It was as complex as the Oedipal complex. This was intriguing. Wartime to the operation mishap. Satanic fantasies. I don’t think I’ve ever been this engaged with a short story in a while. Thank you! I am always intrigued to read your work. You’re morbid, and I like that. A lot.


*Author: Blue*
*Story:  Remember?*
*SPaG: 4*
*Tone / Voice: 2.5*
*Effect: 5.5*
*Overall: 12*


 The title is bland. I don’t know. Do I remember? What happens if I don’t remember? Instantly, you open up to an argument. This makes up for the bland title. I am intrigued.








 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
Noah Parker’s eyes were fireworks on Guy Fawkes Night; his hair was limp and dead, and his face bleeding and bruised.




‘Fireworks’ to describe eyes is an interesting concept. Were they exploding? Were they expanding in size? Who’s Guy Fawkes Night? If someone’s face was bleeding and bruised, is it necessary to describe the hair being limp and dead? 







 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
Hands blue from the rope cutting his wrists, tied to a rickety old chair.




 This is great vivid imagery. You provide more details into the conflict. 







 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
Grey walls were closing around them, splattered with God knows what on the ceiling and peeled wallpaper.




 Why were the walls closing around them? Although it’s entertaining to read, “with God knows what,” I would describe this as ‘foreign substance,’ or something alike. ‘Bodily fluids.’‘Red stains.’ This would effectively add more to the established imagery.








 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
Harry Grimm stood closer to Parker, his hand twitching nearer the shotgun *it *its holster.




 I had to scratch my head here. I am lost. Did you mean, ‘*in*’ its holster? 







 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
Back when the world hadn’t seemed so fucked, both shielded from their families involvement in the Paranormal, they had been friends.




 Refine this before you lose the reader.


*Ex.

*
 They had been friends back when the world wasn’t as corrupted. 
 I am not sure what you mean by, “both shielded from their families involvement in the Paranormal.” What does, ‘in the Paranormal’ add to this story? What is the significance? We haven’t touched upon their families to understand this ‘security’.








 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
The naïve fun, buzz cuts and excited comic-book arguments; two, young boys without a care.




 The comma after ‘two’ isn’t necessary with the semicolon. ‘‘;two young boys without a care’ would be fine. 








 Originally Posted by *Blue* 

 
He did have a point.




 The point is made without the reassurance. Omit.


 I am not really sure about the ending or overall story. It didn’t really engage me as much as I anticipated. You started off great, but the momentum stopped. It was all dialogue in a room full of potential. I am confused about these friends in a testing lab in Poland. What does Poland have to do with a native New Yorker and some other guy?  Why Poland?  Why not another country? If it were in the Middle East, I could understand being held hostage by ISIS. Why bother with these people? Who are they? Why are they important? The ending was weak, especially for the sake of planning to rescue two lives. Why is this guy out of the ward? I am not sure what else to say at this point. Take your story. Grab the message and recycle your attempt. Create a foundation for the reader to understand the motive behind remembering. If this is to owe someone a favor, be clear about it. Thanks for sharing this interesting piece.

*Author: KnightPlutonian*
*Story: Blue Shimmer*
*SPaG: 4*
*Tone / Voice: 3.9*
*Effect: 3*
*Overall: 10.9

*
 The title is intriguing. It’s loaded with interpretations.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
In the dimly lit cavern, Aaron drank from the pond ravenously, slopping some down his shirt before he leant against the wall.




 You start off with great imagery. Does the slopping have any significance to the story? Does leaning against the wall do anything? I would stop at, ‘ravenously.’ 







 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
His knees were somewhat clean of the mud from their inspection moments earlier, and after a few careful moments he sighed a breath of relief, resting his hands against the top of his knees, where the skin and cloth was unscathed.




 Okay, this is an info-dump. First, I notice ‘from their’ - being the knees. ‘Inspection’ being an act of checking something out. Why would there be another inspection? Does it matter how long ago? Does he require medical attention? Is the repetition of ‘moments’ necessary here?  Why were the second set of moments done carefully? Do we really need to know that his hands were resting on top of his knees? I admire the clarification of where his hands lie if some areas are wounded. This is a lot to digest. Break it down. If we need to know the status of his knees, could you at least tell us what happened to cause this? The sigh of relief isn’t necessary here, especially because the reader isn’t well-informed.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
There wasn’t any of the stuff on him.



What stuff? 








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
The torchlight was flickery and dim, but Aaron was sure he hadn’t any of the horrid mold on his hands or knees.




 Why is there mold? You repeat the word, ‘mold’ but there’s no solid insight on the mold.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
He shuddered momentarily as he remembered the skeletal things that had snatched him and his friends.




 What skeletal things? Where are his friends? Why is he free?








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
Covered, head to toe, in that shimmery blue mold, they loped up and down the caverns and through the old mine tunnels in their simian gait, eyes no longer white with iris and pupil but filled with that shimmering blue, exactly the color of the mold.




 Okay, here’s the title coming into play. I am not sure about the mold. The imagery sounds nice and vibrant. Use a better word choice than ‘up and down’ as it's directional and not as creative for cavern exploration. Again, why is the repetition needed for ‘shimmering blue’? You go from ‘shimmery blue’ to ‘shimmering blue’. This adds nothing to the story other than verbosity. In addition, ‘exactly the color of the mold’ is something we (the reader) already know. At this point, this whole paragraph needs to be rechecked and refined. I am not even sure why the eyes matter at this point. Focus on the message here.

*Ex.

*
 The shimmery blue mold covered their entire bodies. They loped the caverns and through the old mine tunnels in their simian gait.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
They wore no clothes, probably as to not interrupt the growth of the mold on their skin, and their hair had evidently fallen off to be replaced by the same patchy mold that grew everywhere else.




 So, wait. When you say, ‘simian’ you refer to primates? What’s with the mold? I am so lost. This is confusing.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
They didn’t make any vocalizations before they attacked Aaron or his friends, no shouts or grunts or screams, simply snatching them and dragging them away in total silence.




 Are primates attacking? When you mention no vocalizations, you don’t need to say ‘no shouts or grunts or screams’. It’s confirmed as ‘no vocalizations.’ Who is doing this?








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
Now all five of his friends were dead.




 Before I even ask what’s worse than being dead, I am going to say this. Please be clear. What the hell is going on? Why would they be dead? 








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
Alan and Alexis were gone, taken by those things, bound and dragged away before any of them knew what was happening.




 No, you can’t say ‘those things’ ... could you at least give them some identity? I think your intent was suspense. This is problematic.








 Originally Posted by *KnightPlutonian* 

 
. The twins’ grey eyes, always envied by their friends, were probably already overtaken by the blue shimmer, just another one of the freaks.




 Does it matter if their eyes were envied by their friends? What freaks? 
 The ending was awkward. The word choices were a hit or miss.  I don’t know what else to say about this piece. Overall, the effect was weak for a short story full of potential. Thanks for sharing.

*Author: PockyPokolro*
*Story: Dreaming*
*SPaG: 3 *
*Tone / Voice: 2.7*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 10.7*


 The title is mysterious. Day dreaming? Night dreaming?








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
A blank piece of paper was placed upon my desk, ink from the distastefully bold words almost seeping through into the wood.




 What distastefully bold words? Was the header seeping through the paper? Who wrote on the blank paper? Would that make the blank paper not blank anymore? Ok, I understand there’s a wood desk involved. I am scratching my head at the paper being blank with bold words (not even sure how distasteful is relevant here). Interesting start to your story.


*Advice: *Take the first sentence. Read it over. Ask yourself, “What’s the significance behind the piece of paper? Does it have to be blank? Who placed this paper upon the desk? Are they important? Are they responsible for the bold words seeping through the paper? Why is one part of the paper blank if bold words were freshly written? Now, the word choice behind, ‘distastefully.’ Does the person, who placed the blank piece of paper, have a grievance against you? Clarity.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
A woman sat across from me - with a kind-hearted smile like that of Charis, but eyes flickering like candle-light on the outside porch.




 Again, who is she? We have a gender, but still an unidentified character. I like the imagery of the flickering candle tying together with eye movement. This is a nice touch. I am not sure if the ‘outside porch’ does anything here other than a (random) location. The candle can be anywhere. The candle will flicker if it’s lit. A breeze will blow wherever the candle is positioned.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
I remember how her shoes tapped the ground, a constant _clack-clack-clack_ invading my mind.




 Is this form of ‘invasion’ intrusive? Is it bothering you? I like the imagery here. It’s not just a constant noise, but it lingered.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
The woman had asked me, ''Is there anything particular that you want to do when you grow up?''




 Omit ‘that’. “Is there anything particular you want to do when you grow up?” 
Then, it can be refined as, “Is there anything particular you want to do as a career?”


Then, refine as,  _*‘“What do you see yourself pursuing as a career?”*_


Instantly, the same message is tightened. Of course there’s always something particular someone wants to do when they get older. That’s a given. Unless you’re not talking about hobbies, go straight to the point. _Careers. Aspirations. _Instantly, I now picture this desk sitting in an advisor's office.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
To that, I shrugged and, unable to withstand her stare, muttered, ''_I want for a chandelier to fall on your head.'' _



I admire the humor. Omit ‘to that’. Does being “unable to withstand her stare” matter? Does the stare matter? This might not be a genuine stare. She’s experienced in this process. The stare is simply, “What will _this _person say?”  I would focus on the shrug and mutter here. You’re asked to answer an important question regarding your future. Focus on how you feel and how you react. Not on her.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
Of course, that was a mere joke - squeezed out as a product of my desperation, for I had nothing that I actually wanted to do. Or to own.




 This isn’t needed. We get it. You’re not malicious. The reader might even think long enough to understand it was out of desperation. When you write, “for I had nothing that I actually wanted to do. Or to own,” you’re writing in circles. Redundant circles. This doesn’t add to the message, but devalues it. It almost sounds like you’re regretting what you admitted to say. Own the dialogue. Move on. The reader wants to move on. Tell the joke. Embrace the possible response. 







 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
I never possessed the dreams that everyone seemed so psyched over, nor did I desire anything other than... than to what? Everything seemed so superficial, so fleeting that it sparked no interest.




 Okay, so we’re now talking about the future plans. Instead of comparing to others, with ambiguous dreams,  come out and say what you do desire. Get straight to the point.

*Ex.*


“I am not your average cookie cutter dreamer. I am different.”








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
At this point in life, when everyone was overly concerned with the choices that you had to make, '_for they impact your future' _and whether you actually desired what you thought you did - hey, can I just walk out?




 What exactly _is _the point?  The reader isn’t on the same page as you. What point of life are you experiencing? Omit ‘you’, replace with ‘I’. I understand it’s a habit in writing. I am not making anything choices. You are. This message is overwhelming with thoughts. Why not step back a bit and reflect? What exactly do you want to express here? The walking out part is confusing. Who are you talking to here? The reader or the woman?


*Ex.
* 

“Friends and family were concerned about my decisions and important life choices. They wanted as much as I did for myself. I was not sure whether my aspirations were desirable to them or myself.”








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
Later on, a boy had reached out his hand towards me, for I was one of his so-called 'dreams'. I eagerly agreed to be his, for I admired people like him - filled with desires, just like an overflowing bottle of champagne.




 This is cute. People can relate to this. Omit ‘for’ in both sentences. The simile is interesting. The capacity of something is full and overflowing. A sudden burst of energy.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
We would sit on the hillside, and speak of his dreams - for he was a talkative individual, who didn't mind being the only one to speak.




 Tighten this message.

*Ex.*


“We would sit on the hillside to talk about his dreams. I admired a conversationalist. He didn’t mind my attentiveness.”








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
He wished to be an actor, to attend an audition. ''Hey, let's try it out. '' He had chimed, and again, I took his hand and followed.




 Does he want to attend an audition before he becomes an actor? He can attend any audition without being an actor. I would rewrite this. This is cute. I like the bond depicted here.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
I, meanwhile, spun round and found myself as the star of the show - with no effort, I captured a dream that wasn't even my own.




 Omit ‘meanwhile’ and “with no effort.” Try something different.


*Ex.

*
 "I spun ‘round and found myself effortlessly as the star of the show. I captured a dream that wasn’t even my own.”








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
Back on the hillside yet again, my love became starry-eyed over a career in robotics - this time, I wasn't invited to join his dream. Assured that being an actress was meant for me, I tried... but, I was bored. That wasn't my dream. I spun round, away from the cameras, and followed my love.




 Omit “back on the hillside yet again.” Go straight to, “My love became starry-eyed over a career in robotics.” Omit ‘this time’. “I wasn’t invited to join his dream.” Refine to something like, “I tried pursuing the path to acting. I was bored.” You can easily guide the reader throughout your journey without carrying so much weight into your sentences. We want to know what you pursued, but don’t drag us. Guide us with you.








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
I joined in his training for a career in robotics, then let out a squeal when I managed to buy myself the last copy of the game that he so greatly desired.




 You can add the previous line, ‘followed my love’ into this one. It will be implied.Refine the word choice. Make this smooth.


*Ex.*


 I joined my love in his robotics career training. I managed to buy myself the last copy of the game that he greatly desired.”








 Originally Posted by *PockyPokolro* 

 
At some point, I became unable to reach his phone.




 I believe you meant to say, “He was unable to answer his calls.” 

As we reach the ending, I can finally understand what’s going on. You’re finally back in the office after dreaming. You’re explaining the paths you had chosen prior to your meeting. You expressed your interest in different fields under the influence of your boyfriend. Wow, that’s a lot to take in. You have a great story to tell, but there are some unbalanced areas. Be concise. Don’t lose the reader. As soon as the boy was introduced, it became confusing. You mentioned, ‘later on’ which meant to imply ‘in life.’  Develop the relationship, express it well and then focus on why it mattered. Your story can use some work in the ending. When you finally invite the reader back into the office, make this transition clear. There’s a lot going on in the end, so make sure you keep the reader intrigued and aware of the events clearly.


 Thanks for sharing.


*Author: Anonymous*
*Story: It Grows on You*
*SPaG: 4*
*Tone / Voice: 2.8*
*Effect: 4*
*Overall: 10.8*


 The title is the same as the prompt. Now, you own the power of making the ambiguity of ‘it’ something interesting. Good luck.


 Well, you start off bland. “The room was dark.” _The dark room. _What about it? Should the reader question why the light wasn’t turned on? Dice is an interesting character name. ‘Knitted’ is a good word choice. You can also use ‘intertwined.’ Crimson red is a nice vivid imagery. This senator has a mysterious vibe. I am almost intrigued. The reclining woman depicted here provides an interesting mental image.








 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“The kind of corrupt we’re concerned with.”




Just a quick suggestion to make it short and sweet. More tips to future challenges and tight word counts:


_*“The concerning form of corruption.”
*_ 







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
“Fortunately, another gang has made our job easy. They’ve got the records that the Senator thought he’d destroyed.”




I naturally read, ‘easier’. It seemed more of a proper fit. I like the corrupted vibe here. Possible blackmail in the making. Interesting how you bring up an expensive carpet.








 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
 Then her mouth curved into a smile.




 Again, you can cut your word count. Omit ‘then’ here. You can omit, ‘then her’ and replace with, “Charly’s”.








 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
 He was only in his thirties, but his hair was already graying.




 It’s genetics. My dad was in his 20’s. I actually had this talk earlier with my parents after I told them about the white strand in my bear. So, this isn’t necessary. He could be in his 20’s, 30’s ... it’s a natural genetic occurrence.


 Interesting ending after a long flow of dialogue.

*Recap:

*
 1. Dark room
 2. Dice sat in a crimson red chair. 
 3. Discussion about local politics. 
 4. Charly smokes a cigarette in a chair. 
 5. Rewards for corruption. 
 6. A gang assisting in reward / possible blackmail.
 7.  Possibility to kill people. 
 8. Background reality check / criminal background. 
 .......


 There’s not a lot to say here. There are a lot of unanswered questions. Overwhelming narration with dialogue. You can condense a lot of this to provide a stronger story. Describe Charly before she talks about her criminal record. You have a lot of potential to create a stronger effect here. It was an easy read, but it also lacked a few details to tie this piece together.

* Advice: *Engage your reader. Naturally guide your reader into that dark room. Create the atmosphere. Don’t drown the reader in dialogue. Give them a reason to stay interested. What makes Charly more badass than any other killer? Character development. Structure. Word choice. I believe you can produce a better piece if you put your mind to it. Thanks for participating.  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=20oz's scores] Author: godofwine
 Story: Witches Brew
 Spelling and Grammar: 2.90/5
 Tone and Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8.5/10
 Overall: 16.40/20

 The interaction between Angelou and Drula was great. Everything was well thought out and believable. Immediately you knew they were granddaughter and grandmother from the tone and wording of their dialogue. 

 It’s a very strong piece. However, the biggest gripe I think people will have is, Is there more? It does carry that feeling since Drula wants Angelou to master her abilities. To what end? No one really knows. 

 This description said a lot about her innocence, her age, and her suppressed and disconnected magical powers:


							Angelou gasped and looked at the palms of her hands, then the other side, and back to her palms.					 


To be honest, I think I liked it more than I should have. :razz:

 There was a lot of time left to submit the entry. It could have been used to edit the entry and stack up more points in their favour. Eagerness or being the first submission got in the way though.

 What does “opius” mean?


							With a wiggle of her fingers the *opius* bottle floated through the air and into Drula’s waiting hands.					 



 Period:


“Some call us witches, but…that term is a bit inaccurate*,*” Drula pushed up with her arms to sit up straighter in the bed and continued.					 


Period and capital T:


”…mother crazy,” *t*he old woman threw her head back and laughed.					 


“To be passed” or “to pass”?


She was bothered by her ability and so never used it, never perfected it, and never wanted it *to passed *on to her child.					 





 Author: Anonymous
 Story: Side Effects
 Spelling and Grammar: 2.75/5
 Tone and Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 12.75/20

 Laboratory rats? Now that’s something I never would have thought of.

 Personally, everything sounds middle of the road. It’s neither remarkable nor bad. I’m having a tough time getting a meaning out of it since everything is told nonchalantly and non-eventful. You took no chances and played it safe, and it’s a shame.

 What I did like were the characters and their representative causes. Your writing stayed consistent and made the rats sound like a group of sick children.


 Periods:


							 O.B. patted the newest lump, “Grateful you're not me.”					 



Tricks showed her teeth, “There's nothing wrong with being you, O.B. What would we do without your years of experience?”					 



Murmured. “Not me’s. I haven't. Here we go again,” answered her.					 



							 Cherry scurried over and leaned over Tricks’ shoulder, “What are we looking at?”					 



Cherry attempted to wipe off the blood, “Probably not TB, and I would know that.”					 



Tricks squinted her eyes, “Don't look like my ears.”					 


“Nowhere”:


Dash kept stuffing his face, and Click and Moto kept on racing to *no where*.					 





 Author: CleverFox
 Story: Straight from the Hand
 Spelling and Grammar: -/5
 Tone and Voice: -/5
 Effect: -/10
 Overall: -/20

 I’ve no problem with the redundancy. In the case of your LM entry, I thought it was good redundancy, hammering home the idea that the narrator wasn’t happy about the cards life dealt him. 

 But…

There’s a big “but” now.

 You surpassed the word limit of 650. Your entry is 663 words which is 13 words over the limit. Immediately, your entry is disqualified. You could have kept the redundancy at a minimum or used _italics_ on words you want to emphasize. Also, if you were to do the same thing in magazines, contests, etc.  without following the rules, it would not have been touched at all. Always read the rules even if they’re excruciatingly boring.

 With that out of the way, I liked the frustration, anger and disappointment held in each sentence. You truly felt sorry for the narrator and understood where he was coming from.  Everybody was probably at that point where they just didn’t see much hope, and—while circumstances are different for others— it was portrayed well here.

 Nice job on that front. 




 Author: rcallaci
 Story: Anywhere, but Here
 Spelling and Grammar: 3.75/5
 Tone and Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 15.75/20

 Rcallaci, always has something interesting and unique to bring to the table.

 It was a smart idea to switch from 1st person perspective and 3rd person perspective. It made it easy to know what time period it was and who was the main focus. I found it particularly clever how both reacted differently and similarly to the foxhole situation. That was what made me like the overall LM entry.

 Despite my liking for the characters and their actions, I thought the voice between you narrating the story and the doctor narrating the story were to similar. I guess it can’t be help since you two are one in the same… at least to an extent.

 Question mark before the closing quotation and remove comma:


“WHERE THE FUCK, AM I,” I screamed, no, no, not screamed, but gurgled, (how can one scream when you have a collapsed lung, mangled tongue and half a face).					 


Missing comma:


							 Rickerford was in hell, that evil trickster, Satan, made him a woman, in order to satisfy his carnal perversions.					 


Capital H:


							 I’ve made my peace; it’s now time to... hold on, something’s happening, thank God in heaven, I’m being pulled out of here. Hallelujah, I guess I’ve become a believer, thank-you God.					 


Small T:


							 They confirmed that a consciousness transfer took place during the Time incursion.					 





 Author: Blue
 Story: Remember?
 Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
 Tone and Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 3.5/10
 Overall: 8.5/20

 A+ for trying. That’s all I can really give you.

 There were too many questions I asked myself about the story. What’s happening? What’s this Paranormal thing about? Why is Harry an assassin but not Noah? What does he mean by saying “freak”?

The list just keeps going on and on. It’s quite an accomplishment considering the size of the entry.

 You obviously know the universe Harry and Noah occupy. As for the reader, as for me, I have no clue what you’re banging about. It’s like catching a movie that’s nearly finished and trying to make sense of it all. That’s not good storytelling. 

 I’m having a hard time figuring out what I liked about it. What’s redeeming? Dialogue wasn’t believable and was disjointed. Descriptions were fine but certain parts made me scratch my head. Ummm…

Ah-ha! I got it. Your punctuation is better than most. And trust me when I say that because I’ve read posts on WF that aren’t close to your calibre. 
 Here’s an example:


“You might have forgotten, but remember that time you attacked –“

Remember.

 Yes, Grimm remembered now. Parker had been trained to escape from being tied to a chair. They both had. He needed to hurry.

“– fifty people because you wanted to become a ‘freak’ like me? Because I do.”					 


See? See? Higher calibre than most.


 I get what you’re trying to do. I think an ellipses would be better or even a period:

“It grows on you – How’s insanity going for you?”					 


Badly worded, badly thought out:

							 Harry Grimm stood closer to Parker, his hand twitching nearer the shotgun it its holster.					 


“He”:

Him and Parker went a long way.					 




Author: KnightPlutonian
 Story: Blue Shimmer
 Spelling and Grammar: 2.5/5
 Tone and Voice: 2.5/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall: 9/20

 The LM entry was poorly executed. Most of the blame goes to the fact that it was focussing on minuscule details that made it appear messy and confused.

 All he really needed to focus on were four things: the blue mold and its effects, the horror he witnessed, the paranoia and fear of the blue mold and character devolvement. 

 Actually, scratch “character devolvement”. That was properly executed.


							 And now it was him. All alone. He needed to get back to the surface… no, maybe he’d stay in the tunnels. The torch was too bright, the flame around the torn shirt hurting his eyes. He put it out in the pond. He’d need his eyes to roam the tunnels. He should stay there. Find somewhere damp and cool to relax. He liked it there.

 The shimmering blue of the water was quite beautiful without the flame.

 It grows on you, Aaron thought.					 


“A” would work better here:

							 In the dimly lit cavern, Aaron drank from the pond ravenously, slopping some down his shirt before he leant against the wall.					 


Aren’t they basically the same word:

							 He rested his elbows lightly just above his skinned knees, his jeans ripped and torn over the bleeding wounds.					 


Actually, I just find the whole paragraph questionable, but I’m also pointing out how inconsistent you were too:


							 He rested his elbows lightly just above his skinned knees, his jeans ripped and torn over the bleeding wounds. They pushed gently against his thighs as he inspected his palms, similarly scraped, the cuts covered by the muck that covered the wall. Aaron checked them over carefully, hissing as he wiped away some of the grime from the wounds. His knees were somewhat clean of the mud from their inspection moments earlier, and after a few careful moments he sighed a breath of relief, resting his hands against the top of his knees, where the skin and cloth was unscathed.					 


If you were to go the simple route, you would have been fine. Because you followed him and examined him too closely, it ends up being too messy and unfocussed. What exactly was the most important thing wanted to stand out? It’s the lack of blue shimmer, right? So, why didn’t you just stick with that?

 I said there could be _good_ redundancy. But, right here, I can only see _bad_ redundancy:


							 The torchlight was flickery and dim, but Aaron was sure he hadn’t any of the horrid mold on his hands or knees. He shuddered momentarily as he remembered the skeletal things that had snatched him and his friends. Covered, head to toe, in that shimmery blue mold, they loped up and down the caverns and through the old mine tunnels in their simian gait, eyes no longer white with iris and pupil but filled with that shimmering blue, exactly the color of the mold. They wore no clothes, probably as to not interrupt the growth of the mold on their skin, and their hair had evidently fallen off to be replaced by the same patchy mold that grew everywhere else.					 





 Author: Anonymous
 Story: It Grows on You
 Spelling and Grammar: 4.75/5
 Tone and Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 9.95/10
 Overall: 19.70/20

 This is definitely one of the stronger LM entries. The dialogue was extremely well done. The descriptions were concise and fluid. It had a lot of character depth. It has everything that makes a good story stand out.

 What’s not to like? I’m truly having a hard time finding the answer. 

 Oh well… :smile:

How come an ellipsis wasn’t used here:

“I see. Wouldn’t--wouldn’t be the first time.”					 


It wouldn’t have been a big deal but consistency tends to point out flaws:

							 She had promised to only shoot rattlers, and now she’d broken that promise. . .how many times?					 


Both of these sound hesitant.  And clearly you know that but ignore one while acknowledging the other.




 Author: PockyPokolro
 Story: Dreaming
 Spelling and Grammar: 2.5/5
 Tone and Voice: 4.5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 15/20

 The voice was strong and consistent. It was fun reading about her obliviousness and craziness. It was such a strange read that I’m at a loss of words.

 I guess if I think of more, I’ll PM you.

 It looks unnecessarily lonely:

							Of course, that was a mere joke - squeezed out as a product of my desperation, for I had nothing that I actually wanted to do. *Or to own.* 



 Comma and small H and decrease space:

							''_Hey, let's try it out__. __'' _He had chimed, and again, I took his hand and followed.					 


Decrease space:

…last copy of the game that he so greatly desired .					 


This is messy and could use a little more polish:

							 A person beside me shifted, and spoke. _''He was a lovely guy, your boyfriend. Had so many dreams, too. '' _I know. _''I was encouraged by him - you see, I dream to be a lawyer.''_

 Oh?
_''Please expand.''_  [/spoiler2]


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## Tealynn (Jun 1, 2016)

You all did a phenomenal job with critiques! I enjoy reading those as much as the stories themselves. Thank you all so much for your time! 

Congrats rcallaci! Job well done! And to everyone else - so much fun to see your ideas! 

Glad my rats were entertaining. Had one as a pet growing up. Wonderful little rodents. I believe I was scarred for life when I saw the photo of a human ear being grown on one... Thus my inspiration.


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## bdcharles (Jun 2, 2016)

Great job rcallaci, and also the other entrants and fellow judges. I read somewhere - it may have been in Strange Uncle George's "Wild'n'Crazy Judging Guide" - about knowing your judges, and based on the variety of critiques and reactions, I think that's true; what works for one will always be way off for another. It also makes it interesting if you are writing for what you know of a particular judge's taste. 

@ Terry D - Love the word "interrobang". Come on, it's worth having the thing just to be able to name it. Failing that, get a load of this.
@ God of Wine - "Witches Brew" as in "Many witches create a concoction" - of course! I thought it was meant to me "Witches' Brew" as in "Brew belonging to Witches". Here, have a SPaG point back. +1. There you go. 
@ Tealynn - don't ask me how, but I just knew this was yours 
@ Kilroy214 - just FYI and for the avoidance of confusion, PockyPokolro's was "Dreaming", not "Remember?"...


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## rcallaci (Jun 2, 2016)

I was quite surprised and delighted to have placed first in this challenge. My heartfelt thanks to the judges. 

This is a great challenge to hone in on your storytelling skills in 650 words or less. You need to harness you imagery and wood choice  skills in a compact way. This is quite a challenge for a writer at any level.  It also highlights your editing eye by showing your superior or in my case less superior spelling and grammatical skills.  I thought this time I came in with no SPAG-I was wrong- I wrote eminent when I meant imminent- missed a few commas, and a question mark. This may seem trivial but it's not.  It makes a superior and outstanding story just a very good story and if there are enough of them a bad story.

I found each judges critiques very, very, helpful and encouraging. Thank you, BD,Terry, Kilroy, Prinze and 20 oz's. Your time and effort is appreciated. And another thank-you to Kilroy- You make it all happen.

My congrats to all the writers each story was a gem into itself. We have some damn good writers on the WF, it's an honor and a pleasure to be a part of this community. 

warmest
bob


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## PrinzeCharming (Jun 2, 2016)

*Congratulations to rcallaci, 
ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord and PockyPokolro! 
**
Special Thanks:
*Kilroy214, and the judges. 

*Honorable Mentions:*
The other entrants in this challenge. 
*
Great job guys! 

"The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you did not write." *​


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## 20oz (Jun 2, 2016)

Congratulations, everyone. I hope I wasn't too mean or too nice. 

A big congratulations to rcallaci.


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## PrinzeCharming (Jun 2, 2016)

20oz said:


> Congratulations, everyone. I hope I wasn't too mean or too nice.



My feelings exactly. Rule of thumb: score what you feel, support what you score. As I mentioned in my critiques, I am always here to talk outside the score thread. Let me know.


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## TKent (Jun 2, 2016)

Way to go R!! Wowza!! and congrats to all of the contestants and thanks to the judges!


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## Terry D (Jun 2, 2016)

It's been a long time since I judged an LM and I had forgotten how challenging it is. Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to everyone who wrote a story to share. That's always a little like walking into church naked.


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## PockyPokolro (Jun 2, 2016)

Congratulations to rcallaci and everyone else who entered, I also found it very enjoyable to read all of the different stories. ^^  
Thank you to the judges for the feedback, which much have taken up a lot of time and effort - it is greatly helpful and appreciated!


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## godofwine (Jun 2, 2016)

Congrats to the winner and the placers. Witches Brew was my entry. It was a play on words with the two people in the story were witches, and the girl's mother was also a witch who brewed a spell to remove her daughter's powers. I created the potion opius, which I now know should have been capitalized as Opius. I didn't want to use Opium, but it is the same concept as Opium, or as they say on Game of Thrones, Milk of the Poppy. The point was not the contents of the bottle, but the fact that the grandmother made it float over to her in front of the girl who was seeing such an act for the first time. This is why I dedicated the first line to it. I also didn't realize, though I should have, that titles *Uncle *Baldwin (named for the poet James Baldwin) and *Aunt *Davina (named for a coworker) should have been capitalized, as well. 

I've learned to limit exclamation points from the judges, and never to use them in conjunction with question marks. Although J.K. Rowling seems to have the market cornered on witchcraft, my motivations were simply the interactions between a talented girl and her grandmother shortly after the death of the girl's mother and the passing of the girl's eleventh birthday. I don't understand one judge's belief of a missed opportunity as her reaction running between shock, and the disappointment of being lied to her entire life by her now dead mother. Rarely do I leave a story unfinished, or not utilize every word up to the limit, so please inform me on how I can improve upon this possibly with better word usage. Though they often seem like small pieces of larger works, there is a purpose, or a journey to my writing that both the writer and the reader is experiencing. I want it to be something I would want to continue reading. 

The grandmother's motivations were to introduce the child to her powers before she became aware herself. Granny was getting ahead of the curve - it was a 10 year spell, and the girl's 11th birthday was just the day before.  I noted that the girl was more powerful than her uncle. It would have been potentially dangerous to wait until the girl re-discovered her powers given that she is the third most powerful witch in the family. The grandmother was also careful as not to pit the girl against her mother. 

PrinzeCharming, thanks for giving examples. I'm learning on the fly. I don't have a writing mentor, so examples help the most with me. It allows me to see the same thing another way. The creation of a story is construction a building, and a 650 word limit is sparse decoration. The examples you game just tell me that I can take the same painting and place it in a different area of the room to make it more inviting. This isn't telling me that my entire construction was wrong and I should have build on Main Street instead of Broadway. 

I want to thank all of the judges for their time, and marks. This sight beyond sight will help me with my novel. It's the small things that I have yet to fully grasp. lol, I had no idea that people would focus so much on what Opius is rather than the fact of the bottle flying through the air, but hey.

**edit** 
Oh yeah. I'd heard "The Road to Damascus" before, I can't remember the context. I should have just said the road to hell.


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