# The Source



## LizzAquarian (Jun 12, 2015)

*
This is a very personal reflection I wrote about the father figures in my life. You may notice my last name is Aquarian. It comes the The Source Aquarian family. I married into it. It's a spiritual "cult" by some but Netflix has a brilliant documentary on it called The Source Family. I'm not a follower so to speak, but I appreciate its impact on Caifornia culture.  My father in law, Star, and his friend, Justice, are featured in it. (Yes those are their real names)  Anyhoo, I wrote this while staying with my father in law one day on his porch. Feedback Welcome.*

(roughly 998 words)I met a mystical manwith no power. He himself shook, but not from some welled up force oflife. He told me all was perfect. I was perfect, and he was perfect .He had Parkinson's disease. Me, an unseen brain illness, like a flu that made my thoughts sick, muddled and dark.


He told me of his three great teachers in life: Justice, The Father, and Misty, his wife.


They are all dead now. No less, they have such a strong hold on what keep him alive today. 
I started trying to scrape together his life's journey and his thoughts. Misadventures, really. All you would not believe that led him here to a warm, sunnyspot on a porch with glass for a ceiling. It made for a rainstorm much more than noise. It was beautiful to watch cascades fall off theedge.


I feel a constantsense of urgency. I feel like there's a teacher of my own waiting forme to turn my homework in. I can do a million projects, be at the to pof my class but my unseen teacher is not impressed. I need a pat on the head.


I wonder now if his teachers ever patted him on the head. Justice, may have given him a good smack into reality. The Father, or as he calls him though he hasa real name, probably would have laid down some 1960s era wisdom in a joke. Maybe his lesson hit him sideways so he would remember later and apply a teaching about life, women, treating the world with kindness. Maybe that's why he says everything is perfect. 


That was his lesson.And Misty, I believe she did probably knock him down several pegs when the time came for rationality, or a swift jolt back into whom hereally was when his true wild nature got in his own way.


These people aren't my family, yet that doesn't seem to matter. I'm at home here. I can be broken here, confused here, hungry and angry here. I am not needed here. My needs are here, though. I hope they understand.


Sometimes everyone gets so damn spiritual. I just want to clean my floor, wear soft socks and relax. I want to bathe the baby, put him to bed and have that _Ah_ feeling of a good day accomplished. 


For now I'm turning to every important figurehead in my mind I can turn to. Maybe I am insearch of my teachers. First there was Star, my father in law, my mystic man. I have always reveled in the truth laying just below theveil of his devotion to something he calls “Spirit.”


Now my real father, Chris. I spoke with him yesterday. What made yesterday the day I am not sure why. I could have always called, I could have reached out in some way. Then again so could he. We had an unspoken thing I suppose.An unspoken –_ when I am ready_ agreement.



As a child, my father was the ultimate villain. He admits it himself today. 


“I could havekilled you guys,” he says of one morning dropping me and my brotheroff at private school, still drunk at 7a.m. from the night before.


He told me he consumed people – used them. He used drugs, alcohol. Anything, really, he could to cope with what in his own words was simply nuts. It's genetic, and I could see it. Laying eyes on him was oddly calming. I thought I would be overcome with decades worth of pent up frustration, anger or sadness of abandon. Instead it was so eerily even keel. He knew I was hurting, and it was something he didn't haveto do, but listening was something he wanted to do.


The first thing tostrike me: he was tan, with thick glasses. He looked healthy a,handsome even. I realized he wasn't some gaunt, monster with malicious intent.


He said that too, Inow remember, “Nothing was done in malice.”


I relate to that. I often act as an asshole and say the very same thing. It was never in malice. The pain no less sharp, but it's a nice softening blow in hind sight.


His shirt was nice ,pressed and blue striped. Very Georgia preacher if you ask me. 


His voice rang of his own mothers whom I still remember vividly. The Boston was there in his voice but not overpowering. It didn't take me out of the moment.


Sobriety was on his mind. Now four years sober, he was speaking on how his life had cometogether in what should be an unfair lesson in how karma doesn't work. He was a shitty person, who somehow got it together.


I appreciated his desire to wax on about sobriety and depression, and what had helped him. I also just wanted to hear him talk. About, whatever really. Isecretly hoped bits of my past as a kid would sneak it, so I couldsee how much of what I remembered or had been indoctrinated with wasreal or not. I figure one day we might get there.


He's a professor a ta community college. He teaches composition and British literature,  I think.  He said I should get a bachelors in fine arts, apply the writing gene we both obviously carry. 


If only he knew that I just needed to see him. I needed to make him real. He's not alltogether special, or an influence. What is important is making him areal person, with real flaws and real positives, too. I am black and white. I don't teeter. Seeing him was seeing me. Maybe I might just start to see all the colors in between to guide me.


So far it's led me to this beautiful porch. Misty's grave is right above me on the hill. Where I live you can bury your dead on your property .I could walk there in 10 or so paces. She's everywhere here. It feels safe here. She would have wanted that. Thanks, Misty.


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## isis aquarian (Jun 13, 2015)

*star and misty*

Hi
OMG i have been looking for a contact for star and misty for years...years ago one of their sons visited some of us in hawaii....i had long wanted to reconnect with them in Tenn. then lost their contact and the email i had no longer worked this is isis aquarian of the source family...i authored the source book and was part of the source documentary
i am livng in hawaii but visit L.A. often for projects.
Lizz please get in touch with me
thank you
in kindness
isis aquarian
you can PM me or find me on  facebook



LizzAquarian said:


> *
> This is a very personal reflection I wrote about the father figures in my life. You may notice my last name is Aquarian. It comes the The Source Aquarian family. I married into it. It's a spiritual "cult" by some but Netflix has a brilliant documentary on it called The Source Family. I'm not a follower so to speak, but I appreciate its impact on Caifornia culture.  My father in law, Star, and his friend, Justice, are featured in it. (Yes those are their real names)  Anyhoo, I wrote this while staying with my father in law one day on his porch. Feedback Welcome.*
> 
> (roughly 998 words)I met a mystical manwith no power. He himself shook, but not from some welled up force oflife. He told me all was perfect. I was perfect, and he was perfect .He had Parkinson's disease. Me, an unseen brain illness, like a flu that made my thoughts sick, muddled and dark.
> ...


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## isis aquarian (Jun 13, 2015)

p.s. i just saw where you might be in N.C.  i will be in charlotte NC july 24 to aug 3  or actually right out in rockhill S.C.
let me know
isis aquarian


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## LizzAquarian (Jun 13, 2015)

Isis! I have heard much about you. me father in law star and I would love to meet you. I live in murphy, nc about four hours from charlotte. PM me.


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## Kevin (Jun 13, 2015)

I found this an interesting read. The first part about meeting the mystical man etc. was a bit muddled, unconnected. The second, the relationship or the _relating to _the birth-father was better. Actually, it was very good. There were some grammar issues, punctuation really, missing hyphens or perhaps a period where a comma or semi-colon should be, minor stuff considering... the words are there. Also, when copy/pasting from word there is the issue of word-scrunching... there's a procedure. Anyway, you seem well-spoken, able to transfer your thoughts to written form, which is not easy for many, using all the 'tools' available, you could make something more than presentable (there's plenty of examples around here, check them out, analyse... ). Thanks for sharing, K.

edit: I had to go look... but when you to post, below the box for the title there is a row of icons. The fourth one is square with a blue 'w'. hover over it with the mouse and it should cause 'allow once...' or 'don't allow...' to pop up on the screen. Click allow and  *poof* no more scrunching.  If this w in a square isn't visible, click at the bottom right "Go advanced" and it should become so.    Good luck, and happy writing.


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## LizzAquarian (Jun 13, 2015)

Thank you for the feedback. I am noticing the word scrunching. Duly noted, friend


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## isis aquarian (Sep 14, 2015)

liz  how is star doing ?  none of my email are now working  isis aquarian


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