# One



## aj47 (Oct 21, 2012)

In a world 
where "adventure" is a verb
...
Where every adjective is superlative
...
Where the fantastic becomes the ordinary
and the ordinary astonishes
...
In this world there is One
...
Who sees all ... knows all ... tells all
...
One who has no name
...
Needs no name
...
One who is known only as
...
Narrator​


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Oct 22, 2012)

I love this! Bravo, you clever, clever beast. lol.


----------



## JulienLeMéchant (Oct 22, 2012)

What a so nice poem, I do enjoy English poetry ^^ It should be very hard because you have to make consonants rhyming with other consonants @@
Otherwise, about the content, what a great idea ! You're right ! And we are fathers of "Gods" ! Oh, how sweet does it sound like !!


----------



## Love (Oct 22, 2012)

This is very clever indeed! It's weird how a few simple lines can have such an impact.  Wonderful job!


----------



## JulienLeMéchant (Oct 22, 2012)

Well, my reply here has been erased ?

I said I love it because it makes "us" realise we are father of these "gods".


----------



## aj47 (Oct 22, 2012)

computers can be so fickle.   I've lost stuff too.

Thank everyone for the kind comments.  My son inspired this with his perfect (for a 13yo) voice-over voice.


----------



## Our_Pneuma (Oct 22, 2012)

A nice piece indeed, Astroannie. I like how you've accomplished the execution with those often difficult surprises and twist. When done properly the reader is left  to think, to ponder the material, and you've done it with this one, my friend! A solid clever piece that is pleasant beyond its words.

Thank you for sharing! 

Question: Do you think the title is as well done as it could be?


----------



## aj47 (Oct 22, 2012)

I didn't want to give anything away in the title and I discarded several other ideas because of that.   

"In a World..." is just the first line ..... bleh
"Narrator"  gives it away
"Voice-over" gives it away as well
... and so on


----------



## Our_Pneuma (Oct 22, 2012)

I see...Perhaps a bleeding title would suffice? 

For example:
Say you were to eliminate "One" entirely. Then allow "In a World" to become the title while moving "Where every adjective is superlative" up to create the following stanza:
where "adventure" is a verb
Where every adjective is superlative

By doing so you'll create more balance between the first two stanzas, along with a nice little feminine rhyme ending the first stanza.  

Also (if you choose to do so), when creating a bleeding title the first line of the first stanza shouldn't be capitalized. This indicates a bleeding title. In the case of this piece, neither "where" in the fist stanza should be capitalized. 

Hope this helps!


----------



## LaughinJim (Oct 23, 2012)

The former local play by play announcer for the Philadelphia Eagles was named John Fasenda. His moniker in broadcasting and football circles was "the voice of God," so named his dramatic, gripping basso. He became the first narrator for NFL films, known for the "over the top" scripts written by Steven Sabol.

In the Ten Commandments, the director, John Huston, took on that role as the talking bush that was not consumed by fire.

When we write, we create our own worlds and thus are the masters and mistresses of it. Our omniscient voice controls the actions of our characters and  the reader's eye is the judge that draws its own conclusions. The author's eye, however, is the one who judges supreme, though his voice may not let the reader know what he or she thinks.


----------



## aj47 (Oct 23, 2012)

My son with the voice said to call it 

** SPOILER **

I *like* that.


----------



## Abbey08 (Oct 24, 2012)

I'm unsure how to proceed with my comments about this piece. I liked the zinger at the end. You've described what the role and character of the Narrator is. 

It is not my intention to rewrite your poem. But with each subsequent reading, some things nagged at me. The first thing I noticed was the change from an impersonal "a world" described in the first three lines, to a very specific "this world" in the second part. I would suggest that the first three thoughts be deleted and that the poem start with "In this world there is One". That is the meat of the poem, I think. By starting with it, you put the emphasis where it really is. Those first three lines seem to serve as introductory filler.

There have been many poems attempted that try to write about the writing process; yours takes a more novel approach. This is a good start at something that might surprise all of us.

Thank you for sharing this. I always especially like the abbreviated manner in which you write.

Lorraine


----------



## aj47 (Oct 26, 2012)

Well, truthfully, I am interested in the viewpoints of others.  However, this is about storytelling and not meant as a metaphor for anything so changes that are intended to enhance the metaphor do not interest me.

And the "a"/"the" progression makes sense as the focus draws in from all-stories to one-story to one voice.  

Thank you all for your comments.   Lorraine, I invite you to write your own poem if mine inspires you.


----------



## shedpog329 (Oct 26, 2012)

This was neat, put one of those what do you call em...twinkles....(or somethin) in my eye.
Pretty motivating and inspiring, like winning the lotto


----------



## dolphinlee (Oct 26, 2012)

I really like this. I like the concept and the delivery. 

There is one part that I am not so happy with. 

Where the fantastic becomes the ordinary
and the ordinary astonishes

To me ordinary means of no special quality or interest. I know what you are trying to say but for me using the word ordinary jars.


----------



## Vitaly Ana (Oct 27, 2012)

I liked this a lot. This piece achieves its purpose: To have a sense of the singular and to not necessarily know or want to know that one - just to know it is there (everywhere yet one) Well done!


----------



## aj47 (Oct 27, 2012)

About that .... yes, I need a different word.  No, I don't know what it is.

Thanks again y'all.


----------



## dolphinlee (Oct 27, 2012)

astroannie said:


> About that .... yes, I need a different word. No, I don't know what it is.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> Is "mundane" any use?


----------

