# Under a darkened sky Prologue



## CPMurphy (Mar 27, 2016)

PRELOGUE




Aaron could feel his body was starting to shut down. Every one of his joints ached as the fluids needed to keep them lubricated became scarcer, confusion and dizziness was now his constant companion.  

Two days had passed since he had eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this had long since started to wreak havoc on his system. With every step he took he could feel what little energy he had left being slowly drained away.

The view that stretched in front of him was the same as the one behind, miles upon miles of a walkway. A blueish radiance glowed from the metallic walls which the walkway was attached to.
He knew that the blue tinge was just a reflection from the ships horrifying cargo.

Gathering what little courage he processed he had moved closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go he had wondered.  


He had abandoned his clothing not long after coming on board the alien ship, the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric was making his movement too strenuous.
Without the weighted burden of his clothes Aaron had continued to try and find his sole reason for sneaking onto the ship in the first place.

It taken less than ten minutes for him to realize his search was going to be futile, the millions of blue glowing capsules that were stacked as far as the eye could see were undistinguishable from each other, and even if he had by some miracle found what he sought he had no way of reaching it. The gap between the walkway and the capsules was well over one hundred feet with no discernible way to transgress it



Why he continued walking and instead just not sit down and die where he was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find anything different from what he had so far seen.



He was prepared to die and had known when he boarded the ship that this was going to be his final outcome, he had hoped he wouldn’t die alone. but now had also surrendered to that fate. Aaron started to cry, his parched body unable to produce enough water for tears.

One step he told himself just take that one step over the edge of the walkway and it will be all over. But he knew he would never find the courage needed to take that final step and instead took one step after the other along the metallic floor that spanned in front of him.

For the entire first day after he boarded the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses.

Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls, he could no longer even glance at the ships’ cargo as the magnitude of what was housed on board this craft sunk in.
He knew this was just one of the hundreds if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago

In his confused mind he remembered listening to the Prime Ministers speech. They are coming bringing peace, their ships will bring scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better place. Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,

The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost impossible the symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to slump down into a sitting position.

He had had a headache for some time now that was only getting more intense. Well I guess this is my final resting place he told himself, I wonder if my body will ever be discovered, maybe the ship has some cleaners one of whom will find a pile of bones and wonder how they got here and where they came from.

He could picture an ET looking creature pushing a sweeping brush coming across his remains, a smile crossed his parched lips as he envisioned the little alien scratching it hairless head before brushing his bones over the side of the walkway, “You would get a job as a street cleaner in Melbourne mate.” he said out loud, although it barely registered louder than a whisper.

He closed his eyes and listened to the strangely peaceful hum of the ships engines, he started to think of happier times, a vision of his friends and family appeared in his mind.
They were sitting at his parents dinner table, joking with each other, his father in his usual place at the head of the table, “You have got yourself in a right mess this time.” he was telling his son, the others in the room started to laugh, “Yep that’s our boy!” his mother added, “Always jumping in feet first without thinking things through.”


He tried to reply but no sound came forth from his lips, he could hear his lifelong friend’s infectious laughter the loudest.
Sorry mate I can’t get you out of this one, his friend was saying through his merriment, even though they were laughing at him he was happy with his vision, his home had always been filled with these happy sounds,

As he looked around he noticed his girlfriend was the only one in the room who wasn’t laughing, she was sitting staring at him with a solemn look on her face. Then she slowly started to tap on the table with a spoon,
The others in the room each picked up a utensil and joined with the rhythmic beat, one by one they all began to tap in unison,

What are you doing he tried to ask but again his voice was silent, slowly some of his senses started to return,  not fully but just enough to notice that the hum of the ships engines were no longer the only sound he could hear.

A loud tapping was coming from further ahead of him somewhere along the walkway. At least that’s where he guessed it was coming from, he could see nothing different. There was no indication of where this tapping could be originating from,

Hello he tried to call out is there someone there? The effort making him cough.

Was there someone else on board he wondered, could someone else be alive and have been as stupid as he was to have come aboard the alien ship, or maybe it’s one of the aliens making the noise.  The sound continued, tap, tap, tap,

Using almost all the strength he had left he managed to struggle to his feet, his legs unsteady beneath him he started to slowly trudge in the direction that the sound was coming from, his mouth as too dry and parched to attempt to try call out again,

One step after another he started to repeat in his mind, just one more step, just one more step,
He managed to keep taking one more step for what seemed like hours but in reality it was less than five minutes, he had covered less than forty feet before he legs gave from under him, crashing against the ships wall he knew his legs could no longer support him,

There is no one tapping he told himself, it’s just your mind playing tricks, it’s properly the sound of your heart beating its final beats, just close your eyes it’s time to sleep,

His eyes had already shut before he had hit the floor, he could no longer hear the tapping sound.

This time it wasn’t visions that started to fill his mind, this time it was memories.

A multitude of images flooded his mind each one fighting to ensnare him in the warmth of the emotions that they invoked. Then they settled on one single time, a time when his only concern was his job, his family, and his friends

His mind went back to a time not too long before this desolation had started.
To a time before the world became a place where in the darkness of shadows new friendships would be formed, bonds of loyalty forged, and self-survival becomes the only option.

I guess this is where my life changed, when I was happiest, where the events that followed would lead me to sneak onto this ship knowing I would die on it,


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## Pea (Mar 27, 2016)

I started but the formatting made it difficult to read? It looks like you might have copy/pasted it from a word document or something, so maybe sorting it out into structured paragraphs would aid it's readability. 



CPMurphy said:


> PROLOGUE
> 
> His body was starting to shut down. Two days had passed since he had last eaten or drank any liquids, the toll of this had long since begun to become unbearable. Each step he took was sapping up what little energy he had left.



I'm not a fan of starting with pronouns. 'Him' is so ambiguous and it really doesn't help me relate to a character. Give me a name, a somebody rather than just a 'him'. 
 SHOW me how it's shutting down, what signs are there, is it a limp, a shortness of breath? Describe it to me.

It seemed that the rest of the prose was like this, a lot of stating rather than describing. It's lazy critiquing I know, but perhaps look at my example and try to realise where you've stated rather than described and see how things can be re-worded to _tell_ the story rather than simply state it. 

I hope that is useful. If you want me to go over the rest, I will try to find the time.


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## CPMurphy (Mar 27, 2016)

Yes it was copied from word. i used he because i was trying to avoid introducing the character till later. but when you pointed it out i could see that i could have done much better then just he. 
Just from the few things you pointed out i can see how and where to make changes,
Its my first attempt at writing anything like this. or anything for that matter. i know i have a lot t learn before i get it right, but i am a quick learner.
thanks for taking the time to help


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## Tealynn (Mar 28, 2016)

*Hi CP!*

Hi CP! 

Full disclosure ~ I am by no means an editor, just a literature/language arts teacher. I like what you've written so far, and I'm intrigued. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to critique just the content, and/or grammar? So I've given a little bit of feedback and I hope it's OK. 

-Gathering what little courage he processed he had moved closer to the  outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by  the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go he had  wondered. -

Did you mean processed? or possessed? 

Do you mean to use the past perfect tense? I see that it's a memory or your protagonist, but could it be written in simple past tense? Instead of ...he had moved - just he moved closer to the outer edge?

Some of the tenses do not remain consistent. ... the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric was making...

Why he continued walking and instead just not sit down and die where he  was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find  anything different from what he had so far seen.

 maybe ... instead of sitting down to die where he was...

He was prepared to die and had known (knew?) when he boarded the ship that this  was going to be his final outcome, he had hoped he wouldn’t die alone.  but now had also surrendered to that fate. Aaron started to cry, his  parched body unable to produce enough water for tears.

In his confused mind he remembered listening to the Prime Minister's  speech. They are coming bringing peace, their ships will bring  scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better  place. Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many  people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,

The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost  impossible. The symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind  and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to  slump down into a sitting position.

If I'm not supposed to do this, I am sorry! 

Tealynn


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## Pea (Mar 28, 2016)

CPMurphy said:


> Yes it was copied from word. i used he because i was trying to avoid introducing the character till later. but when you pointed it out i could see that i could have done much better then just he.
> Just from the few things you pointed out i can see how and where to make changes,
> Its my first attempt at writing anything like this. or anything for that matter. i know i have a lot t learn before i get it right, but i am a quick learner.
> thanks for taking the time to help



No problem! I don't like writing critiques, ever concious of being too mean. I'll be the first in line to read any revised versions you might write. Godspeed!


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## CPMurphy (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks for the replies. its not till you look with fresh eyes that you can sometimes see your errors. and there's many. 

I have kind of rewrote most of the above to try make it flow somewhat easier. when i have a picture in my mind of the scene i seem to forget the reader doesn't have the same picture, the scene above relates to the end of the book. i was hoping to capture it without giving too much away.
The grammar may not be great but i will have that edited later by my son, but that shouldn't give me an excuse to be lazy. the first six lines i have now spent about two hours changing and changing again. if its ok i will post the revised version and hope someone would be kind enough to tell me if it sounds better, then at least i will know i am going in the right track.


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## CPMurphy (Mar 28, 2016)

It had been two days since Aaron had eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.
His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated disappeared.
With each step he took he could feel what little energy he had left being slowly drained away.


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## lvcabbie (Mar 28, 2016)

The moment I see Prelogue, I'm turned off. I don't think they're worth reading anyway.


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## CPMurphy (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks Tealynn. i have taken your words of wisdom and made the appropriate changes. i am grateful for any help and advice.
Many moons ago when my children were younger and i was putting them to bed i would be asked to tell them a story, i was never allowed to read from a book and instead would have to make up a new tale every night. i was fine telling a story orally, but trying to now tell a tale in written form seems to be more of a challenge than i was expecting. old dog new tricks comes to mind.


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## Tealynn (Mar 28, 2016)

Keep going CP! It's fun! I'll be following along! My biggest down-fall is that I teach English to non-English speakers, so grammar is with me all the time! And as far as prologues go, personally I think there are times they work and are quite useful for grabbing a readers attention. There are times they simply don't fit in the exposition, but the writer needs the readers to have the information to get the plot up and running. Have fun with it and keep on telling stories!

T


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## CPMurphy (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks T. words of encouragement mean a lot.

Anyhow here is my first attempt at a rewrite. it still doesn't feel right to me





It had been two days since Aaron had eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.
His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated disappeared.
With each step he took he could feel what little energy he had left being slowly drained away.

He had abandoned his clothing not long after coming on board the alien ship, the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric had being making his movement too strenuous.
Without the weighted burden of his clothes Aaron had continued to try and find his sole reason for sneaking onto the ship in the first place.

It taken less than ten minutes for him to realize his search was going to be futile. the millions of blue glowing capsules that were stacked as far as the eye could see were undistinguishable from each other, and even if he had by some miracle found what he sought he had no way of reaching it. The gap between the walkway and the capsules was well over one hundred feet with no discernible way to transgress it

Why he continued walking instead of sitting down and die where he was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find anything different from what he had so far seen.

For the entire first day after he had come onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, his senses transfixed by a mixture of both terror and revulsion. By the second day the full multitude and magnitude of what he was seeing had sunk in. he didn’t know if it was the dehydration making him feel sick or the realization that this was just one of the many hundreds of alien ships surrounding Earth. And each of whom would be filled with a similar cargo.

As he kept walking he tried to focus his gaze forward, even though there were no discernible differences from what he had already passed, nothing but miles upon miles of a metallic walkway. There was no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse.
The walkways walls glowed with a blueish radiance that was reflecting from the ships horrifying consignment.

He was prepared to die and knew when he boarded the ship that this was going to be his final outcome, he had hoped he wouldn’t die alone. But now had also surrendered to that fate. Aaron started to cry, his parched body unable to produce even enough water for tears.

One step he told himself just take that one step over the edge of the walkway and it will be all over. But he knew he would never find the courage needed to take that final step and instead he took one step after the other along the metallic floor that spanned in front of him.


In his confused mind he remembered listening to the Prime Minister’s speech. They are coming bringing peace, their ships will bring scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better place. Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,

The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost impossible the symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to slump down into a sitting position.

He had had a headache for some time now that was only getting more intense. Well I guess this is my final resting place he told himself, I wonder if my body will ever be discovered, maybe the ship has some cleaners one of whom will find a pile of bones and wonder how they got here and where they had come from.

He could picture an ET looking creature pushing a sweeping brush coming across his remains, a smile crossed his parched lips as he envisioned the little alien scratching it hairless head before brushing his bones over the side of the walkway, “You would get a job as a street cleaner in Melbourne mate.” he said out loud, although it barely registered louder than a whisper.

Aaron closed his eyes and listened to the strangely peaceful hum of the ships engines, he started to think of happier times, a vision of his friends and family appeared in his mind.
They were sitting at his parents dinner table, joking with each other, his father in his usual place at the head of the table, “You have got yourself in a right mess this time.” he was telling his son, the others in the room started to laugh, “Yep that’s our boy!” his mother added, “Always jumping in feet first without thinking things through.”


He tried to reply but no sound came forth from his lips, he could hear his lifelong friend’s infectious laughter the loudest.
Sorry mate I can’t get you out of this one, his friend was saying through his merriment, even though they were laughing at him he was happy with his vision, his home had always been filled with these happy sounds,

As he looked around he noticed his girlfriend was the only one in the room who wasn’t laughing, she was sitting staring at him with a solemn look on her face. Then she slowly started to tap on the table with a spoon,
The others in the room each picked up a utensil and joined with the rhythmic beat, one by one they all began to tap in unison,

What are you doing he tried to ask but again his voice was silent, slowly some of his senses started to return,  not fully but just enough to notice that the hum of the ships engines were no longer the only sound he could hear.

A loud tapping was coming from further ahead of him somewhere along the walkway. At least that’s where he guessed it was coming from, he could see nothing different. There was no indication of where this tapping could be originating from,

Hello he tried to call out is there someone there? The effort making him cough.

Was there someone else on board he wondered, could someone else be alive and have been as stupid as I was to have come aboard the alien ship, or maybe it’s one of the aliens making the noise.  The sound continued, tap, tap, tap,

Using almost all the strength he had left he managed to struggle to his feet, his legs unsteady beneath him he started to slowly trudge in the direction that the sound was coming from, his mouth as too dry and parched to attempt to try call out again,

One step after another he started to repeat in his mind, just one more step, just one more step,
He managed to keep taking one more step for what seemed like hours but in reality it was less than five minutes, he had covered less than forty feet before he legs gave from under him, crashing against the ships wall he knew his legs could no longer support him,

There is no one tapping he told himself, it’s just your mind playing tricks, it’s properly the sound of your heart beating its final beats, just close your eyes Aaron it’s time to sleep,

His eyes had already shut before he had hit the floor, he could no longer hear the tapping sound.

This time it wasn’t visions that started to fill his mind, this time it was memories.

A multitude of images flooded his mind each one fighting to ensnare him in the warmth of the emotions that they invoked. Then they settled on one single time, a time when his only concern was his family, his friends and his job,

His mind went back to a time not too long before this desolation had started.
To a time before the world became a place where in the darkness of shadows new friendships would be formed, bonds of loyalty forged, and self-survival becomes the only option.

I guess this is where my life changed, when I was happiest, where the events that followed would lead me to sneak onto this ship knowing I would die on it,


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## Tealynn (Mar 28, 2016)

*Question*

From your prologue are you going to go back to the beginning of the invasion and work your way back to this point, and then you will bring it to an end, or sequel?

If that's your plan, could you maybe shorten it to a more power-packed prologue - maybe a brief description of him being delirious from lack of food & water, wandering aimlessly around the ship, and questioning what the hell he was doing there? You could keep what you've written and incorporate it when he's actually in the now moment. 

Just a thought. You can PM me if you want to bounce some ideas around. Plus I want to know what happens next!!


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## CPMurphy (Mar 28, 2016)

i had finished about two thirds of the book when i let someone read the first few chapters. although they enjoyed it they didn't realize it was Sci-fi based. 

so the only thing i could think was add the prologue. using that to introduce the space theme. the end of book one is where Aaron follows his friend onto the ship. i was trying to avoid giving too much away. 

although it is Sci-fi most of it is built around the main characters, their friends, family, and so on. the actions they take when alien ships appear, book one is based on earth. the following two books are based mostly away from earth.

i have aimed at some action, humor, and even for a old git like me i managed to get some romance into it. i wanted to build up some likable characters so it would effect the reader when they die. everyone in the book has a personality based on people i have known. even the aliens are not your run of the mill type. 

I have told a few people the entire story and they were engrossed, the couldn't believe how complex it was, these people were some of my sons friends ( early twenties the age group i was aiming for) for the following three hours they sat around a table discussing it, i think its a good story, but untill i learn to express it in print and let others judge i will never know for sure,


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## spasatron (Mar 29, 2016)

I read this really quickly, so this is my overall opinion. I love the mystery that is created and I immediately wanted to find out more: who is the character, why is he on the ship, why is he dehydrated? This mystery acts like an attention grabber of sorts and is great. I also started to care about the character and his fate immediately. Another thing that stands out is how well the setting is described. This all really makes for a great prologue. I found myself confused, when you switched to 1st person at the end, but that may just be me. 
Keep up the great writing!


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## Blue (Mar 29, 2016)

I'm not such a great critic, and I won't go too into all the spelling and grammar part, but as a story line this is actually really good. You could try make some sentences a bit less wordy, for example 'every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated disappeared' just feels a little awkward, the wording. It could be shortened simply to 'His joints creaked and ached' but its really up to you.

Also, you might want to add quotation marks around some of the dialogue, ie. "Sorry mate, can't get you out of this one." 
You had this down in the first part, but they were missing towards the end and it got a little confusing at times.

I like it. Its interesting, and for a prologue I think it'd work in pulling readers in and making them want to read your story. Just keep writing; The more you do it the better you get, so practice makes perfect. Keep it up.


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## CPMurphy (Mar 29, 2016)

Thanks for the feed back Blue. i do always get it in the neck from my son for not using quotation marks, i gave the whole book a quick review last night and deleted about 20k words that i felt i didn't really work, i didn't realize just how much i had done. even after my butchering i'm still over 70k. if i can get three chapters that i'm working on plus one new plot line completed it will be finished, i know grammar and such needs a lot of work but i have decided to concentrate on getting the story finished first before doing anymore editing.

Tealynn has been very helpful and i sent her a different part of the book. it had no editing done whats so ever. it was meant to be a romantic moment in the book. my biggest weakness is romance, so i am looking forward to her take on it,

As i have never wrote anything before self doubts are a big issue, it has been great coming here and getting encouragement and advice, mostly is inspires me to do keep going.


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## CPMurphy (Mar 29, 2016)

Thanks spasatron. the switch at the end is continued into the first few lines of chapter one. then it switches back and remains that way from then on. the part of the book i posted here was an after thought and had not been intended when i started writing so i didn't really have anything worked out in my head when i wrote. for me its the weakest part of the book. that's why i was looking for help and suggestions with it to be honest


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## Renaissance Man (Apr 11, 2016)

If you read my comments based on your comments about this in your intro thread I was wrong. This first chapter. Not a prologue which is something about 50% of readers skip in my experience grants the reader just enough of a glimpse into where the story's going without totally ruining the story. Aside from some spelling errors like was mentioned in your intro thread it's good!
The writing style's accessible and that's most important. I'm only disappointed that I have to wait until it's been Copyright protected and/or published to read anymore. :frown:

The character drives the story and pulls the reader in.


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## Renaissance Man (Apr 11, 2016)

I started to read through the revised version and don't really see many differences early on aside from stating that he is from Earth. I think it might be a good idea or bad idea. If you're sticking to Earth I recommend researching other countries if other countries are important to this story. An alien planet leaves the writer with 100% of the creative licenses. Just the facts how you decide based on them is entirely up to you.

Good luck to you with getting this book done. Look forward to being able to buy off the shelves of a bookstore.


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## GordonR (Apr 25, 2016)

Sometimes I print out my work and I can see errors that way, act out your scenes that might help you to spot errors. Posting it on here also helps.


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## BeeGee84 (Apr 27, 2016)

I enjoyed reading and you had certainly drawn me in. After reading this I definitely had questions that I am sure the rest of the novel would answer. I think there were a few sentences that could be tightened up a little and I think someone else mentioned that throwing it into 1st person does seem to throw me off a little. Overall through I really enjoyed it.


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