# Diary Of A Dreamer, Entry # 1117, 1996



## Firemajic (May 2, 2017)

Covered in a mantel of obscurity
incognito, I sail the sea of my determination 
careful to avoid sudden storms of chaos
that could sink my tiny paper ship

To be invisible in my skin
is a skill, born of survival
I have only me to guide this vessel
to a safe harbor

My navigational tools are damaged
corroded from years of salt rubbed into old wounds
it appears that I sail in blissful ignorance
but I have a secret pole star

There is an unrest in my chest
that creates a magnetic force
pulling, driving me onward
racing ahead of the storm, searching for you...


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## Darkkin (May 3, 2017)

I really like the maritime analogy with this one, Fire.  It is very well done and the flow is on point.  One thing that could be tweaked a bit is the mantel of obscurity.  Yes, it sounds poetic, slightly haunted, but is it as cohesive to the sailing analogy as the rest of the piece?  Not quite.  There are other phenomenons that are a little more congruent.  Fog, mist, or the sheer size of the sea itself.

e.g.

A sail of obscurity unfurled, my ship unseen.
From the shoals of No Man's Land,  heave ho!


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## aj47 (May 3, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Covered in a mantel of obscurity
> I think you want *mantle* but see Darkkin's comment.
> incognito, I sail the sea of my determination
> perhaps drop *my*
> ...



I quite like this.  What I see as the intent of it.  I think tweakage will help.


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## sas (May 3, 2017)

I am so glad to have you back and writing.

My redundant suggestion is to re-visit use of gerunds and prepositional phrases. There were 3 uses of "of" in first stanza alone. This poem could have more strength without these poetry props. Thunk on it, my friend. Thunk on it.


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## Firemajic (May 4, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Cloaked in obscurity, incognito
> I sail the sea of  determination
> careful to avoid sudden chaotic storms
> that could sink my tiny paper ship
> ...


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## Firemajic (May 4, 2017)

Darkkin said:


> I really like the maritime analogy with this one, Fire.  It is very well done and the flow is on point.  One thing that could be tweaked a bit is the mantel of obscurity.  Yes, it sounds poetic, slightly haunted, but is it as cohesive to the sailing analogy as the rest of the piece?  Not quite.  There are other phenomenons that are a little more congruent.  Fog, mist, or the sheer size of the sea itself.
> 
> e.g.
> 
> ...





Thank you DarKKin, I appreciate your critique, and your encouragement... 





astroannie said:


> I quite like this.  What I see as the intent of it.  I think tweakage will help.




annie, I used most of your fabulous ideas, except for naming my navigational tools.... I was speaking metaphorically about my damaged ability to make good decisions.... one reason why I used "A tiny paper ship" that explains the probability of this voyage being successful ... the paper ship is really the most important part of this poem... Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it.. 





sas said:


> I am so glad to have you back and writing.
> 
> My redundant suggestion is to re-visit use of gerunds and prepositional phrases. There were 3 uses of "of" in first stanza alone. This poem could have more strength without these poetry props. Thunk on it, my friend. Thunk on it.




Dear fabulous sas, I abolished a few of those nasty "of" ....they have a way of sneaking in, like cockroaches...
Thank you for taking the time to read my work and offer your insight, I appreciate


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## Bard_Daniel (May 4, 2017)

I really liked your second version. Haunting in scope and effect. Nice!


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## sas (May 5, 2017)

Do you think you could write this without so many "my" and "I" words?  From personal experience I know not easy when it is about oneself. It might be an interesting exercise, if nothing else. Yes, liked the rewrite.


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## Firemajic (May 6, 2017)

sas said:


> Do you think you could write this without so many "my" and "I" words?  From personal experience I know not easy when it is about oneself. It might be an interesting exercise, if nothing else. Yes, liked the rewrite.




I agree, it would be an interesting challenge.... hummm... I will work on it....


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## Firemajic (May 7, 2017)

danielstj said:


> I really liked your second version. Haunting in scope and effect. Nice!




Thank you, Daniel... I agree, the edited poem is better...


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## Sebald (May 7, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Firemajic said:
> 
> 
> > Cloaked in obscurity, incognito
> ...


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## Firemajic (May 7, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> [QUOTE
> 
> ]Cloaked in obscurity, incognito
> I sail the sea of  determination
> ...






Sebald... I made the change you suggested.... now it reads better.... Thank you so much, I appreciate your help...


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## Sebald (May 7, 2017)

Thanks, Fire. I feel honoured.


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## Firemajic (May 7, 2017)

Sebald said:


> Thanks, Fire. I feel honoured.






Au Contraire, my friend.... I am honored to receive your expertise...:applause:


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## Sebald (May 7, 2017)

I'm wary, commenting on poetry. Hope you'll forgive me (and tell me) if I sometimes say the wrong thing.


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## Firemajic (May 7, 2017)

Sebald said:


> I'm wary, commenting on poetry. Hope you'll forgive me (and tell me) if I sometimes say the wrong thing.




I read your critique and comments on sas's poem, in the workshop thread, then went back and read her poem again.... you nailed it.
Having good feedback and honest critique is the life's blood to a writer... poetry is my passion, and I want to always learn and improve, because of all the fabulous insight from my peers, I now have a poem that I am proud of... your comments are valued and appreciated...


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## Sebald (May 7, 2017)

I don't teally have the tools to critique poetry. It can be daunting to fiction writers. But I can definitely be honest.


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