# Dream



## DesertPrince (Jun 3, 2016)

Like a dream
she jumped 
out of the dreary night 
Dancing like a little ballerina
moving on the the dance floor
...
Tortured his aching heart
No rest, she got him down
Breaths taking
dark
...
Like the middle of the night
Those Hair tufts
Waving over the moon
Reaching her crystal eyes
They glow...
...
as her tears passing through
They wonder, shall we fall !!


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## Firemajic (Jun 3, 2016)

DesertPrince said:


> Like a dream
> she jumped
> out of the dreary night
> Dancing like a little ballerina
> ...




Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... There are some really strong, unique lines in this poem... Thank you for sharing, I am looking forward to reading more of your work, as that will give me a better sense of your voice and style...


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## escorial (Jun 3, 2016)

jumps about a fair bit.....cool


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## Darkkin (Jun 3, 2016)

DesertPrince said:


> Like a dream
> she jumped  One thing that isn't quite working for me, as a reader is the enjambment between this line and the next.  It feels like it should be one line.  e.g. she jumped out of the dreary night.  There is just something that doesn't quite flow, it maybe missing punctuation or the verb tense, the break at the preposition or a combination of the aforementioned.
> e.g.
> Like a dream
> ...




Overall, I like the concept and many of the images, but it needs to be brought into focus.  Once it is, you will have a very cool piece.


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## DesertPrince (Jun 5, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... There are some really strong, unique lines in this poem... Thank you for sharing, I am looking forward to reading more of your work, as that will give me a better sense of your voice and style...


Thank you for thw warm welcoming
Im aiming to correct the other lines


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## DesertPrince (Jun 5, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Overall, I like the concept and many of the images, but it needs to be brought into focus.  Once it is, you will have a very cool piece.


I took your comments in to consideration   .. Thank you [emoji4] 

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## DesertPrince (Jun 5, 2016)

escorial said:


> jumps about a fair bit.....cool


Thank you for passing by sir

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## CJL4307 (Jun 5, 2016)

Hey, enjoyed this piece. For me it invoked this sort of mystery, revolving around an interesting relationship. The only thing I could offer is consistency in your grammar and perhaps bringing a little more life to a few of your word choices. I feel a lot more could be brought to the surface only in enlivening a few descriptions. Otherwise great piece!


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## curvatures (Jun 5, 2016)

Wow this really grabbed me right from the beginning, the imagery and the emotion is great. I felt the emotion stalled a little with this/these line(s):
"Breaths taking
dark"

I think you could reword this or make it just a bit stronger, so that is melds a little better. Things just got a little muddled for me there, but it could just be me!! Otherwise I really like this.


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## DesertPrince (Jun 6, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> Hey, enjoyed this piece. For me it invoked this sort of mystery, revolving around an interesting relationship. The only thing I could offer is consistency in your grammar and perhaps bringing a little more life to a few of your word choices. I feel a lot more could be brought to the surface only in enlivening a few descriptions. Otherwise great piece!


Hey, thank you for your comments, ive been taking comments from all the memebers here and il work on them


DesertPrince said:


> Thank you for passing by sir
> 
> Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk




Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk


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## DesertPrince (Jun 6, 2016)

curvatures said:


> Wow this really grabbed me right from the beginning, the imagery and the emotion is great. I felt the emotion stalled a little with this/these line(s):
> "Breaths taking
> dark"
> 
> I think you could reword this or make it just a bit stronger, so that is melds a little better. Things just got a little muddled for me there, but it could just be me!! Otherwise I really like this.


Writing is something i always loved , and i'm planning to improve it

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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 6, 2016)

I read it out loud to appreciate it and I found that the "dark" line jars around the poem a little. I don't know if this is intentional-- if it is not you may consider amending it.

My first stanza was my favorite. Good stuff.


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