# Of Bird Songs



## toddm (Jul 3, 2011)

_A light broke in upon my brain, -
It was the carol of a bird;
It ceased, and then it came again,
The sweetest song ear ever heard - Lord Byron (The Prisoner of Chillon, Stanza X)

_There is great wisdom
in bird songs,
a wine-sweetness
which pierces
heart depths
to the delight 
of attentive ear
enlightening the eye
with melody 
of fair light
resplendent 
with innocent joy
and virtue 
clear and bright ~


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## Firemajic (Jul 3, 2011)

Todd-you already know what I think...This is as elegant as an Eastern Blue Bird"s song..Peace--Jul


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 3, 2011)

I like the use of syllabics here. This has a nice rhythm as well. My one crit would be maybe it could be a line or two shorter? Near the end, I felt you might have been able to economize a little more. Nevertheless, very nice work here.


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## toddm (Jul 4, 2011)

Squalid Glass said:


> I like the use of syllabics here. This has a nice rhythm as well. My one crit would be maybe it could be a line or two shorter? Near the end, I felt you might have been able to economize a little more. Nevertheless, very nice work here.


Thanks - glad you liked it - interesting you said it could be shorter, I expected crit that it was too short : ) but your assessment is much appreciated, as these types of pieces are for me all about economy of words, thanks!

firemajic, thanks to you too - I do know what you tend to like from me, so thanks : ) - I want to branch out more into character pieces and narrative, but Nature is my first love in writing, and always will be - this was a piece from several years ago, a small part of a much larger work in progress (along with Of Otters, out along the silver-stream, In a Marvelous Way the World is Changed and others) - I'm going back through them and re-examining them after a period of time away from them
---todd


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## Bachelorette (Jul 5, 2011)

toddm said:


> of fair light
> resplendent
> with innocent joy
> and virtue
> clear and bright ~



That's my only crit. Take that bit out and you have a nice end rhyme to wrap things up, IMO.

Like firemajic, I really enjoyed the elegant simplicity of this piece. I know I have a hard time writing about joyful things, but you've managed to do that without sounding corny or saccharine, so good job there!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 5, 2011)

toddm, for one who never writes purely about the beauty of nature, I enjoyed this very much in that it's clean and crisp. A very smooth read. I do have a couple of suggestions.

There's *a* great wisdom
in birdsongs

I would eliminate the "a".

I read a bit and wondered "Where is the wisdom in birdsongs? Where's the connection?" Then I find it towards the end of the poem.

enlightening 
inner eye ....

I would have it

There's great wisdom
in birdsongs,
enlightening (the operative word)
inner eye ....

then tweek beneath.

A great pleasure to read! Laurie


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## wood (Jul 5, 2011)

ah, i like this.. kind of hit the spot this morning.  the ending of this felt a bit subjective and blurry.  you might want to stick with more objective details about the images and sounds.  in fact i think you could cut the last 4 lines altogether, and just leave your reader with the beautiful sensation you created.  just my thoughts.  very well written, enjoyed this very much.

wood


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 5, 2011)

I am not sure about this, but my feeling is that it should either be bird's songs or birdsong.


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## toddm (Jul 5, 2011)

Bachelorette wrote:



> Originally Posted by *toddm*
> 
> 
> of fair light
> ...



happiness is harder to write about than sadness for some reason, I agree - I'm glad you liked this little happy piece - I read this lovely bit from Lord Byron, on the same topic:

_A light broke in upon my brain, -
It was the carol of a bird;
It ceased, and then it came again,
The sweetest song ear ever heard

_Laurie and Wood, thanks for your insightful suggestions, will try them out

and Olly, goodness, I learned something today - I felt sure Birdsongs was a real word, then I looked it up and it is actually: Bird Songs - there is a band named the Birdsongs, but those who actually study birds use two words - thanks for catching that - Lisa will be getting a PM soon to change the title : )

---todd


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 5, 2011)

I like the addition of the epigraph. Chillon is such a wonderful poem.


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## CLN (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with SilverMoon about losing the article in the first line but, apart from that, this is has a spartan purity of form deftly mixed with descriptive text. Bird's song whittled down to its essence. Lovely.


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## toddm (Jul 9, 2011)

CLN, thanks for your complimentary feedback - I did remove the article (and the contraction, which I never liked anyway but the line was a bit too long before without it) - the new version is growing on me - I'm considering the feedback about the ending too

Squalid Glass - Lord Byron is one of my favorites, as are all of the English Romantics

---todd


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## Bloggsworth (Jul 9, 2011)

With Squalid Glass on this one - I think a good poem might be improved with a little shortening. The poem is about song so the references to light don't quite fit. A couple of suggestions which you are at liberty to ignore.



toddm said:


> _A light broke in upon my brain, -
> It was the carol of a bird;
> It ceased, and then it came again,
> The sweetest song ear ever heard - Lord Byron (The Prisoner of Chillon, Stanza X)
> ...



What's with it on this forum with the tildes?


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## toddm (Jul 9, 2011)

Bloggsworth said:


> With Squalid Glass on this one - I think a good poem might be improved with a little shortening. The poem is about song so the references to light don't quite fit. |A couple of suggestions which you are at liberty to ignore.


I really like your suggestions, particularly cutting out "containing" - I'll consider what you say about light, but I am fond of that connection - hence the Byron quote which also makes a connection between light and the "carol of a bird"



> What's with it on this forum with the tildes?


: ) I didn't see this comment, until I went to comment myself, it appeared - but I may be the sole culprit regarding the tilde usage - trying to be more restrictive in its use, but there are sometimes I feel it is the best choice - not standard, but it is, I suppose, a stylistic flourish

thanks again for your feedback and suggestions
---todd


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## Bloggsworth (Jul 9, 2011)

toddm said:


> I really like your suggestions, particularly cutting out "containing" - I'll consider what you say about light, but I am fond of that connection - hence the Byron quote which also makes a connection between light and the "carol of a bird"
> 
> 
> : ) I didn't see this comment, until I went to comment myself, it appeared - but I may be the sole culprit regarding the tilde usage - trying to be more restrictive in its use, but there are sometimes I feel it is the best choice - not standard, but it is, I suppose, a stylistic flourish
> ...



If you always intend to preface the poem with the Byron quotation, then don't reflect the whole of it in *your* poem. With regard to tildes, don't too often or it will take on the appearance of an affectation, there are enough arguments about the simple dash.


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## jeffrey c mcmahan (Jul 11, 2011)

An elegant poem. Very cryptic. This poem deserves further reading. Smashing job ol' boy.


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## toddm (Jul 12, 2011)

jeffrey c mcmahan said:


> An elegant poem. Very cryptic. This poem deserves further reading. Smashing job ol' boy.



thank you, kind sir

---todd

(oh, love your avatar : )


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