# Bones of a Lily



## Darkkin (Sep 17, 2015)

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## Mesafalcon (Sep 18, 2015)

I think you are super good at coming up with titles.

Nice to see that cute avatar back - so much better than the dog!


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## Darkkin (Sep 18, 2015)

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## Mesafalcon (Sep 18, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> The total sum of my ability...Titles...
> 
> Please leave my dog be, Zwi has done nothing to bother you.  If you have an issue with a avatar picture that you find offensive, please PM a Mod, otherwise please keep comments and observations relevant to the subject matter at hand.



My apologies. No need to comment on avatars. You're right. 

I'm not qualified to properly critique poetry, so i say what comes to mind. None of which was intended to be offensive whstsoever in this case.


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## Darkkin (Sep 18, 2015)

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## Mesafalcon (Sep 18, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> You don't need to be qualified to critique, observations are welcome and appreciated, but there is more to most poetry than titles.  If you notice something, say something, it is relevant.  If you don't care for something, say so, or just let the piece sink into oblivion.  Many poets take their writing seriously or have invested a certain level of effort into their work, I might be a hack, but I have put forth a bit of effort.  So please, in the future either be honest or let it be.  Save the glib observations for the lounge.



Well... if you are asking for honesty. I gave you that, I honestly do like your titles and they stand out. 

If you find my comments to be 'glib' then I must say, I am the one being insulted. The avatar comment I fully take back and understand ～ although i said nothing actually wrong or insultive i agree it was off topic. 

If you would rather i say nothing than a small compliment ～ and i did click LIKE by the way ～ i can oblige.


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## Darkkin (Sep 18, 2015)

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## Mesafalcon (Sep 18, 2015)

Well.. anyway, why don't you PM next time instead of distracting from the work. 

If you perfer me to say nothing, I guess that and will seek someone who will be happy to get that compliment. Small stuff like that is important to me personally. Is there a title you admire as much if not even more than the work itself? I bet there is!

Does that say nothing of it?


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## Darkkin (Sep 18, 2015)

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## Chesters Daughter (Sep 18, 2015)

I must respectfully request that all subsequent posts be related only to the work presented for critique. Any discussion regarding the roles of titles, or what constitutes critique, should be held in Poetry Discussion. I would greatly appreciate it if I am spared having to revisit this thread for the wrong reasons.

For the record, we do not delete threads.

Thank you for your valued attention, as well as your anticipated cooperation.

CD


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## aj47 (Sep 18, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> Deleted, apologies for any inconvenience.



Love the minimalism of this, but it would be better with some line breaks.


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## Darkkin (Sep 19, 2015)

Please...


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## aj47 (Sep 19, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> Bones of a Lily
> 
> He saw her, a clockwork dancer swirling, she, the bones of the lily,
> Needs a comma after dancer and periods after swirling and lily.
> ...



Good idea but looks very rushed, with lots of punctuation issues. Slow down.  Take a little time to sort it out.



Darkkin said:


> Please...



No. You, please. 

You posted a poem and I read it and I came back to critique it and it was gone.  This isn't kindergarten.  We're not here to coddle you. If you don't want your piece critiqued, don't post it in the first place.  As a fellow poet, I feel disrespected when someone asks (by posting) for my input and then deletes the piece before I get the chance to comment.  It's like you're taunting all of your fellow poets. If you don't want critique, then post your stuff in a blog.


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## kbsmith (Sep 19, 2015)

I am always happy to read your poetry. I understand the frustration that can accompany responses (or lack thereof). Harmless pixels on someone else's screen become scalpel blades cutting all the wrong places. 

This piece in particular feels very sensual, to me: a pale and emotional frailty. Hollow swan bones conjure images of Aronofsky's black swan, reinforced by dark spell, dark hell, music swell. Raw boned by the apple of taboo. It's a vulnerable darkness that bruises just as easily as its writer's ego. 

Is a tin deity a heartless deity ?

What's more: all that I read from you has an astounding quality of ambiguity. It speaks to me in ways that feel personal. I am constantly amazed: You're very good:


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## Darkkin (Sep 19, 2015)

I posted for critique and I appreciate it....Changes have been made accordingly.  Thank you.  The clean edit is below.



Bones of a Lily

He saw her, a clockwork dancer…swirling, she…the bones of the lily,
soaring, she fell—enraged--bruises dark as hell—the bones of the lily.

‘Neath a porcelain shroud shining, a shell for those frail, petal bones.
For a tin deity she danced, enthralled by a dark spell; bones of the lily.

Clockwork dancer, frail, her lines scalpel-sharp, hollow swan bones,
lifting her, stars blinking, she felt the music swell—bones of the lily. 

Violet-ringed, she danced.  To the spell of the little tin god—rawboned,
she pushed, harder, deaf to a critical knell tolling—bones of the lily.

Blind--The song in her name.  Blind to all but an apple of taboo, she fell.
Blind to the one who could free her from this hell--the bones of the lily.


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## aj47 (Sep 19, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> I posted for critique and I appreciate it....Changes have been made accordingly.  Thank you.  The clean edit is below.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This reads more easily.  Violet-ringed should still be hyphenated as you're using as an adjective phrase.


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## Darkkin (Sep 19, 2015)

I also missed a few other things, but have since rectified the errors.  It is the ellipses in the first line, I think, that make the biggest change.  It is softer, a prelude of sorts.  It helps immensely, so thank you, again.  The bones of the piece came through, but its flow was off.  Now...it works.


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## Darkkin (Sep 19, 2015)

kbsmith said:


> I am always happy to read your poetry. I understand the frustration that can accompany responses (or lack thereof). Harmless pixels on someone else's screen become scalpel blades cutting all the wrong places.
> 
> This piece in particular feels very sensual, to me: a pale and emotional frailty. Hollow swan bones conjure images of Aronofsky's black swan, reinforced by dark spell, dark hell, music swell. Raw boned by the apple of taboo. It's a vulnerable darkness that bruises just as easily as its writer's ego.
> 
> ...



The tin deity is an old fashioned music box, one that has held the dancer in thrall since childhood.  A solace when thing were right and when they went, so very wrong, until there was nothing left...A world shattered.  There is a lot of rage and bitter truth in a simple dance.

Greatly appreciated,

- D. the T. of P.B.

Edit: Oops!  Just realised I should have used the multiquote...Not the brightest bulb in the box, but I am among the blinkiest...Brain on, brain off...:stupid:

- D. the T.


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## dannyboy (Sep 19, 2015)

are these all linked, and if so is there a place where they all live together? Or will there be?


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## Darkkin (Sep 19, 2015)

I have a catch all thread in YPS, Just a Voice that has the first pieces in the sequence.  Bones of a Lily, Glass Degas, and Just a Voice.  These are separate from my Strangeways collection, which are being added to my blog here on the forums.


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## dannyboy (Sep 19, 2015)

look forward to seeing Just a Voice develop


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