# July 2020 Scores



## velo (Aug 2, 2020)

Here are the scores for July 2020's LM "Wild West"

[spoiler2="epimetheus"]

Author: Entry 1
Story: Fiddlesticks
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Evaluation: 2.5/5
Reaction: 2/5
Overall: 12.5/20

Review: The story flowed and no grammar issues pulled me out of it. The tone was generally consistent and Fiddlesticks had a strong voice, but the protagonist’s dialogue was flat in comparison. _‘Excuse me’.

I didn’t do it – from the first line of the story I imagined something had been done, just not by the protagonist, so it was a small mental contortion to reinterpret the story as the protagonist simply wanting, but failing, to do something (kill someone). Excellent first line though – gets the reader asking questions, which are answered by the end.
With more work developing the protagonist’s personality (hard ask for the word count) this would be an excellent short. I would like to see him wrestle with his cowardice (or whatever stopped him from shooting Sam) and how he emotionally overcame it more.



Author: Entry 2
Story: Bones Lonely of the Triassic
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 2.5/5
Overall: 13.5/20

Review: Written with a particular voice, any grammatical errors seem to be deliberate, like having no punctuation around speech. The effect is that it feels like the protagonist is having the conversation inside their head – it works, giving the work a dreamlike quality. But it does briefly force me out of the story in order to parse the text.

Who, or what, is Old Lonely? For me it evokes a Grail like figure - someone chasing the mirage of their own loneliness.

This feels like a landscape painting of a lonesome desert. While it succeeds to that end, it’s not a story – nothing changes, either in terms of plot or character.

I don’t like poetry in stories, it’s a different form of expression, and not one I can easily grasp, so any meaning contained in the opening and closing passages is lost on me – which may explain why I don’t understand what’s going on.

Ultimately, there weren’t enough handles in this piece for me to grasp, but I could imagine a more careful or educated reader might get more out of it.



Author: Entry 3
Story: The Shanty
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 1/5
Overall: 12/20

Review: No grammar issues took me out of the story, but the prose lulled my eyelids – I found my attention drifting off at about the halfway mark. However, it does capture something of life on a frontier, focusing on the small details, such as the toothbrush, rather than adventurous stuff. The protagonist is understandably subject to some anxiety at Tommy not returning, but doesn’t do anything to overcome the situation or feeling: a passive protagonist in a passive story. I realise there is a market for this kind of slice of life writing, unfortunately I’m not it.



Author: Entry 4
Story: The Lone Star
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 1.5/5
Overall: 12/20

Review: No grammar issues took me out of the story. The tone was consistent but flat. All the description and exposition was at the beginning and all dialogue/beats and action at the end - mixing them up a bit would’ve helped. But it does build a picture of a desperate and lonely individual – a Lone Star man through and through. Having Lina just jump on his car right at the end feels a little deus ex machina – presumably she’s somehow been altered to become a superhuman agent? Overall, feels like a scene from a larger piece of work: incomplete as it is here.



Author: Entry 5
Story: Valley of the Headless
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
Evaluation: 2/5
Reaction: 2.5/5
Overall: 10.5/20

Review: Excellent first line.
Having every sentence as a new paragraph jarred. Paragraphs bind related sentences, by not using this convention you gave the reader a bit of extra work for no payoff.
…; there was something it didn’t brag about to anyone. This sentence tripped me up.

The tone was terse, fitting the theme, but the dialogue was stilted. I think the story would have worked better if it were focused on one character’s POV – having it split meant none of the characters were fleshed out and I didn’t care about any of them.



Author: Entry 6
Story: The Price of Progress
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 2.5/5
Overall: 14.5/20

Review: No grammar issues pulled me out of the story. Nice tone, particularly the dialogue. Jim’s little ‘monologue’ would have benefited from a few beats to break it up and give clues to his thoughts, same as you did for Morgan’s. The contrast between the casual conversation and their brutality works well. Biggest drawback was that nothing changed in terms of plot or character – would have been interesting to see Jim’s reticence at butchering humans explored a little more, as it is he just shrugs his shoulders and gets on with it. He talks a little about losing family, but we don’t get to feel the effect on him and what was possibly a significant step towards his fall from grace.



Author: Entry 7
Story: Solomon's Dilemma
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Evaluation: 2/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 12.5/20

Review: No real grammar issues pulled me out of the story, but there was inconsistent capitalisation of Earth 12. Tone was… distant. We are introduced to broad sweeps of history as a reader of history – Solomon – would learn it, which is necessarily removed from visceral events. Would have been interesting to explore Solomon’s distaste for that particular genocide - it was just given. The story jumps from the Wild West to Time Cops, which is difficult to weave together smoothly in such a short space.

Extra points for trying something a bit different with the prompt.



Author: Entry 8
Story: Three Rounds
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Evaluation: 2/5
Reaction: 1/5
Overall: 8.5/20

Review: Something went wrong with the formatting causing some words to stick together, making this difficult to parse. Having most sentences as separate paragraphs robbed them of the impact they could otherwise have had if used more sparingly.

The tone was consistent, adequately setting the scene. Many sentences, could have been shorter to make them punchier.

The stakes of the shoot-out were well established, but I didn’t feel any threat or desperation – the situation always seemed controlled, and the result inevitable. Had Bo lost I would have been surprised, but I wouldn’t have felt for him anyway. This feels like a snippet from a larger piece of work.



Author: Entry 9
Story: Bound For Forever
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Evaluation: 3.5/5
Reaction: 2/5
Overall: 13.5/20

No grammar issues pulled me out of the story. Her blue eyes set on the dying sun – didn’t feel like a separate sentence. Opening line felt cliché, somewhat redeemed by the personification of the sun stretching out.

It’s a nice little moment, but feels under-developed. We could have seen May’s hope wane further into despair, making the return more poignant. But that would run the risk of highlighting how passive May is in her own story; something this story avoids just by being so short._
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="Sycamore"]



*1- Fiddlesticks*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5*
*Tone and Voice: 5
Evaluation: 2
Reaction: 2
Final Score: 14*
I’m not amazing at grammar, but I noticed everything flowed together and worked; sometimes, on purpose, the characters used improper grammar, but I could tell it was intentional.
The main character’s voice is very strong! I can see everything that he’s seeing.
Your grammar was excellent, and your tone was, too. Here was my problem: I felt the hook, in the beginning, never was answered. I read back many times, trying to understand what the character “didn’t” do, but I couldn’t figure it out. Maybe it was supposed to be ambiguous? It really bothered me, though. It confused the story for me, dampening the good parts.
Not knowing exactly what was going on in the story affected my emotional reaction. There’s a lot of good things going on in this story, but I don’t feel it’s a complete work.
*2- Bones Lonely of the Triassic*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone and Voice: 4
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 4
Final Score: 17*
Great! Grammar is well done, while the words still string together poetically.
I like how the narrator is basically used as a vessel to bring us into the world of Old Lonely. I really like Old Lonely; he reminds me of Black Elk-- one of the great Oglala Lakota medicine men. I can tell you were inspired by Native American lore; good job being respectful and not using Shaman stereotypes, haha.
Everything fit together beautifully! I loved the poetry woven in, as well.
I thought this story was simple, beautiful, and easy to understand. I enjoyed entering this world, it was a good journey.

*3- The Shanty*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5*
*Tone and Voice: 5*
*Evaluation: 4*
*Reaction: 2*
*Final Score: 16*

Good work.
You captured the strength and resilience of a woman living out on the fresh American frontier-- reminded me of the Mom from Old Yeller!
Great flow, great storytelling! I don’t have much else to say, it was lovely.
I’m giving you such a low score on this piece because I personally don’t think Tommy should have returned. The whole time, I was expecting for him to not come back; I was like “what an interesting, melancholy idea.” I was shocked when he came back; it kind of ruined the story a bit for me, not gonna lie. It would have been _so _much more interesting if she got word that he died, or he just never came home. Ya dig? I kinda hate happy endings, so maybe I’m biased.

*4-The Lone Star*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5*
*Tone and Voice: 3*
*Evaluation: 3*
*Reaction: 4
Final Score: 15*

Great job.
Yeah, I could visualize your character if I tried, but it didn’t come naturally. I’m not trying to be mean, but I found him to be forgettable. I liked how you wrote, the words were beautiful, complimenting each other. The protagonist just didn’t have a strong enough voice, I’m sorry!
The elements came together nicely.
I liked some of the images you gave me in this story. The Navajo rez, old heavy metal music playing out of a pickup, but, otherwise, it was relatively bland.


*5-Valley of the Headless*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone and Voice: 3*
*Evaluation: 3
Reaction: 3
Final Score: 14*

Good job.
I liked the picture you painted. The mood was intense, kind of scary, and reminded me of the Jungle Book.
I think I get confused easily, so this is probably not your fault, but I didn’t know exactly what was going on at the beginning-- why was it a big deal that they were cannibals? Were they even cannibals, aren’t they wolves?
The surprise at the end was interesting, y’know, all along they’ve been wolves. Cool.


*6-**The Price of Progress*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5*
*Tone and Voice: 4
Evaluation: 3.5*
*Reaction: 4
Final Score: 16.5*

I like your characters. They’re honest, obviously a product of their time. They do what they do because they’ve been told it’s right. They have a funny buddy dynamic going on, too; it’s cute, yessir.
I thought some of the vulgarity was unnecessary, took me out of the story, it was a little too shocking. For example, you could have just used “negroe” rather than the n word. I’m a sensitive “snowflake,” though, so take that with a grain of salt.
This story is vulgar; I know it’s supposed to be. It’s ironic, your title, “the price of progress.” I like it. You definitely have a political piece, here. Due to these white men fighting for manifest destiny by killing Native Americans and owning slaves, white people nowadays have to set right what our ancestors implemented into the American system so long ago. The price of progress meant systemic racism, which has come to bite us in the butt quite a bit, especially now. #BlackLivesMatter
Final Score: 16.5


*7- **Solomon’s Dilemma*
*Spelling and Grammar: 4.5*
*Tone and Voice: 2
Evaluation: 3
Reaction: 2
Final Score: 11.5*

A little too robotic, you could have used more commas and semicolons to help it flow better.
I didn’t visualize hardly anything, in my mind’s eye, as I was reading this story. Your characters were flat and the mood, though intended to be exciting, was dreary.
Disjointed. I have a small brain, so maybe your intellectual prowess is simply greater than mine; but, I was confused as to what was going on.


It disturbed me that you were intending to liberate Native Americans, yet you grouped every nation and tribe into one clump. You used stereotypes, too. I know you had good intentions, but it was disrespectful. You are capable of writing great things; I’m just a picky, nutty teenaged girl.



*8- Three Rounds*
*Spelling and Grammar: 3
Tone and Voice: 3
Evaluation: 3
Reaction: 2
Final Score: 11*


Some words were clumped into one.
Example: “PresidentArthur,” “ifunwilling,” “fromthe,” and many more. Also, I thought the formatting was a little off? Maybe that’s just me.


Interesting concept, just not a full character. I wish I could smell him, taste him and hear him more.
The ending was rather anti-climatic, like I said above, I feel this is not a _complete _work.
I had a pretty lukewarm response to this story, to be honest. It didn’t stir me. I’m sure that would have happened if it were more developed.



*9- Bound for Forever*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Evaluation: 3
Reaction: 2
Final Score: 15*


Lovely. Totally sensed May Belle’s longing.
Way too short. Should have stretched out May Belle’s agony more. I only got a whiff of the gravity of her sadness.
What is it with you folks and happy endings? For goodness sake, it would have been so much more interesting if the cowboy didn’t return, _or, _she _thought _she saw him, but it wasn’t really him. MUCH MORE INTERESTING. “The only good character is a dead character.” - Sycamore




[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="-xXx-"]
Anon1 - Fiddlesticks (642w)
spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 19/20

best of month: internal/external dialogue
g17
s9.8
spacing faces in places
much to like here.
imho, the pivot diminish adds impact.

_I meant to do it; <clip> It seemed so easy when I rehearsed it <snip> It stopped seeming easy <clip> at the moment when I needed to do it.

THUD - the jarring sound of a boot meeting the bottom of the oak bar directly to the right of me makes me jump. A tall, lanky man with a pale face, long messy beard, and a small mustache crashes down onto the barstool next to me.

----
Anon2 - Bones Lonely of the Triassic (649w)
spag 5
t&v 5
eval 5
react 5
overall 20/20

best of month: waybackmachinawraparoundmastery/1.n.2
g28
s14.1
names, all point worthy
dialogue
imho, you rocked this in every way possible.
therapids, who knew? :wink:
and three layers!

Somewhere along the way, I'll catch up to Bones Lonely.

---
Anon3 - The Shanty (647w)
spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

best of month: time to resolution
g25
s31
open/close immediacy+premise,
1st person experience center, late story arrival as mutual appreciation/resolution, west statements
nameless she?
dialogue 3 word impact
nicely crafted proportions.

<snip> On the fifth day, I woke to the realization that all the chores will be mine to do, however long <snip>

<snip> eyes clear and alive with achievement. <clip> In that moment, the promises <snip> seem to materialize before our eyes. We are glad we came.

---
Anon4 - The Lone Star (621w)
spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5
overall 19/20

best of month: subtle weave waft, identity with reader leave
g9<-lowest objective grammatical errors
s33.6
open/close as shift-validation
names arch
internal/external dialogue as 2+1
nice take on max-theme(s).
great reader leave.

It had hit him one day, <snip> that he was in the wrong place. He knew he didn't fit in <snip> Wasn't so much how he looked, though. All the people around him, <snip>, they knew where they belonged. They had a home <snip> somehow managed to keep.

<snip> There was a light ahead: likely government watch. He felt the familiar helplessness sink through him; they'd shoot him as soon as look at him. <snip>

---
Anon5 - Valley of the Headless (648w)
spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

best of month: loki as locus with reader leave
g19 paralyz/se, lang?
s-36.3
pair-ah-dice, head way
open/close-osnap, same-as-it-ever-was?
per section
narr+dialogue v distanced
names superb, setting superb
imho, high market potential.
open pattern magnifies impact of statements/tone: snap/snap/expound, repeat.

<snip>
It had been their custom for eons. Savage, barbaric, and primitive. Meat was scarce. The vast herds of over-wintering caribou hadn’t arrived yet, so it made perfect sense: eat the weakest, the youngest, the tenderest.

Eat anyone that was easy to kill.

Survival.
<snip>
Now, all he had to do was wait.
<snip>
offspring. They numbered six, still blind and deaf thankfully.

Change is unavoidable in this shrinking world, <snip> But there will be wolves in this valley . . . always.

---
Anon6 - The Price of Progress (650w)
spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 3/5
overall 16/20

best of month: dialogue only
g26 resiste/ance (1 potentially sensitive language, 8 inappropriate colloquialisms)
s-55
sort, e.con/com(m)-persist
title in text, 2x as context layers
hmmmm, imho, other readers abound for both content & style.
kudos on your choice and execution of form.

"Lemme tell you, Jimmy, it was the same thing for the North, poor folks fightin' for the rich. Slaves, you see, ain't a good investment - they cost money, they gotta be fed, cared for, driven and guarded, and they can always die or run away. And no sensible businessman wants to go through all that trouble when he's got Micks, Germans, Polaks and what not comin' in for free by the boatload every day, all willin' to work twice as hard as the Negroes for quarter the expense. The rich folks down in Dixie didn't want to see that, and the war was the price that had to be paid for progress. Come, help me out with the lil' one and the squaw here!"

---
Anon7 - Solomon's Dilemma (650)
spag 5
t&v 5
eval 5
react 4
overall 19/20

best of month: dialogue as system status with tea, hemlock
g27
s-39.2
you can not know how much this reader wanted to ace score this story.
alas.
names, consider alternative char name: soh krayt os?
earth 12, leverage that.
then think publish potential.

<snip>
ALERT! ALERT! The time continuum on alternate Earth 12 has and is being altered. Events concerning the western frontier circa 1855 have been compromised. Lockdown of all time functions is now in effect. Alert! Alert...

The Space-Time Library of Multiversal History was abuzz with activity.
<snip>

----
Anon8 - Three Rounds (648w)
spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

best of month: reader resolution
g15
s-60.8
strong complex character development
dialogue 6 statements
setting/context choice(s) strong
excellent reader leave

<snip>
His eyes were blood red with anger for the men who attacked his family.
<snip>
Another thump.
<snip>

---
Anon9 - Bound For Forever (349w)
spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 3/5
react 4/5
overall 17/20

best of month: title as simple sunset doubled
g14
s-94.3 <-highest non-positive sentiment score, double checked :sad:
thank you for submitting this.
i was excited at the word count and amused by your presentation.
check listing the approach conveyed much and, imho, was a nice metronome for your target audience.

8 last lines - the genre awaits!_[/B]

[/spoiler2]




AuthorTitleepimetheusSycamore"-xXx-"TotalnoisebloomFiddlesticks12.5141915.17*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord**Bones Lonely of the Triassic**13.5**17**20**16.83**1st**SueC**The Shanty**12**16**18**15.33**3rd**undead_av**The Lone Star**12**15**19**15.33**3rd*TimValley of the Headless10.5141814.17*CyberWar**The Price of Progress**14.5**16.5**16**15.67**2nd*rcallaciSolomon's Dilemma12.511.51914.33godofwineThree Rounds8.5111812.50BigBagOfBasmatiRiceBound For Forever13.5151715.17


The winner is ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord with "Bones Lonely of the Triassic"

In second place is CyberWar with 'The Price of Progress"

and a tie for third place with SueC and undead_av with "The Shanty" and "the Lone Star" respectively

Congratulations winners and thank you judges for your hard work!


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## epimetheus (Aug 2, 2020)

Nice work everyone. Apologies for the generally low scores all round from me, but the Wild West is perhaps my least favourite setting in all of fiction and my reaction scores reflect that.


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## rcallaci (Aug 2, 2020)

Thanks to all- there were two outstanding stories this month. Both are publish worthy. *Bones lonely of the Triassic-* a lovely graceful prosaic poetic expression.   You got those writing bones and I predict you'll do well in your writing career-your extremely gifted.  *The Price of Progress* -simply blew me away. Superior writing I thought about that piece for a week. It's matter of fact tone made the message quite powerful- You too have those writing bones. I'm expecting great things from you both.

The rest of the stories were very good, they were entertaining and well written  but those two( Triassic and Progress) were great. ( I usually never gush over stories but these were exceptionable.) 

As for mine it may have been a little convoluted but timescapes usually are. Again I thank the judges for giving their time and the host for bringing us this competition-kudos to all 

warmest
bob


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Aug 2, 2020)

Thank you, rcallaci! Congrats Cyberwar, av, and Sue, and thank you to the judges.

(Oh, also, if anyone cares or is curious, Mr. Deadmouth is a dimetrodon, the longfingers are a coelophysis herd, and the narrator is a eoraptor...)


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## Tim (Aug 3, 2020)

epimetheus said:


> Nice work everyone. Apologies for the generally low scores all round from me, but the Wild West is perhaps my least favourite setting in all of fiction and my reaction scores reflect that.




Let's face it, you suck!

:rofl:
I'm kidding--I'm kidding!

Congratulations to the winners: Arrow, CyberWar, undead_av and SueC (Congrattulations also for your new book, SueC!)

Thanks to our great judges for their work: epimethius, Sycamore and -xXx-.

And of course thank you to velo for hosting the competition.


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