# You Should've Never Gone Unwritten



## Angel101 (Nov 16, 2008)

_A letter to my father._

Dear Daddy,

My penmanship is poor, I know—my paper is torn and wrinkled. It’s stained and ink has cried all over it. Next to me is a stack of perfect paper, never broken. What must that be like? You never knew, and I never will. That is why I chose this sheet of scrap. Isn't that what you made me? Scrap? Tossed aside, beaten, manipulated, crumpled. But never thrown away. I was always good for something, another note for you to jot down, I suppose. Not completely useless, but never overly important. 

You were my everything, and I did believe for a time that I was yours. You see, I never understood the difference between you and drugs. I needed heroin like I needed you. The drugs gave me temporary pleasure, an escape that eventually led to greater plagues. They gave me visions. But they weren’t real. My body was obedient to their every cry, and I would surely rot without them (I thought). My being was shifted because of their voices, so soothing, but too frightening to ignore.

Just like you. And you and I are similar.

I am not the only one that was broken. I do believe—and I know you know this—that I had some control. Isn’t it true that I was the one who pulled you into bed? These people look at me like I’m pathetic. The voices, your voice, they overpowered me, according to those who look upon our situation and think they know better. I was not _completely_ lost to your attempts to string me to your fingers. That’s what killed you, not the gun. You could make me do anything, and that’s all anyone can see. They can’t see the ambition in my eyes, blinded to my most precious and obvious asset: seduction. It is easy to be weak, and so I did fall for you and to your whims. But you did touch me when I asked, got my stash, let me get away with touching others. There was an incision in your power, and you hated that. But it couldn’t be helped. 

I did love you—I do. I did break you, and your life now dangles from my wrist, another charm to my bracelet. I want to always remember the man who murdered me, you see, not the man I murdered. I don’t take pride in what I did to you, Daddy. In fact, I rather despise myself for it, though it also pains me to recall the moments you hurt me. But it’s easier to be the victim than to be everything Mother has accused me of. A whore. An imp who had no interests but her own. I wanted drugs. I wanted sex. 

I wanted you to love me the way I loved you. 

I forgave you long ago for stripping me of youth. But I cannot forgive myself for stripping you of your fatherhood. In my mind, I want to believe that it wasn’t my fault. I want to believe that you were the evil at work, and that it was only I who was injured—and I _was injured._ Please forgive me for our twisted affair. 

_There is no difference between you and drugs. The user has the power to start and the power to quit. What happens is never because of the drugs. It’s always the user. Always._


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## Intel (Nov 16, 2008)

Analytically I can't comment on this piece right now. I apologise for that. But I just wanted to mention that this touches me, it seems a raw piece written straight from the heart. It doesn't care how its percieved, it just needed to be let out. Well written and moving.

Can I ask, is this about father/daughter sexual relations?


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## Angel101 (Nov 16, 2008)

Intel said:


> Analytically I can't comment on this piece right now. I apologise for that. But I just wanted to mention that this touches me, it seems a raw piece written straight from the heart. It doesn't care how its percieved, it just needed to be let out. Well written and moving.
> 
> Can I ask, is this about father/daughter sexual relations?


It is. There's a lot more to the story, but that is the meat of what this is about.


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## Melody St.James (Nov 16, 2008)

I agree with Intel .. this piece is very raw. And all the more powerful because of it. There is no doubt this skims the surface, and it leaves the reader imagining things much darker lurking beneath.


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## Angel101 (Nov 18, 2008)

Thanks. I appreciate it.


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## Gillespie (Nov 19, 2008)

Powerful stuff Angel.

Does it help more to write about this than to talk to a friend or confidant?

How do you feel about sharing it with everone here, I mean, did you intend to, or, did it just have to come out?

I found it so well written that it took part of the shock away for me. 

If you were to write it again, would you change it in any way?

Sorry for all the questions, but, always after reading an essay, I need to know more about the motivation and time lapse.

Very moving story, and, for me, kept me reading a subject I would normally scoot over.


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## Angel101 (Nov 19, 2008)

It's okay. Questions are fine. 

It helps me a lot more to write it, whether I share it or not. Just getting it out is what helps.

Sharing it... I was hesitant, but... It's hard to explain. I just don't want it to be my letter with my memories. By sharing it I feel like I expell some of that onto the readers. It becomes less mine, I guess you could say. Or at least it feels that way.

I don't think I would change it.


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## The Backward OX (Nov 20, 2008)

The title contains a split infinitive.


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## Pain (Dec 14, 2008)

Something of a brutal peice, raw others called it. There is a reflection between the father and daughter, though obviously only one side is really seen. I'm left wondering if the father saw it too, and simply didn't, or couldn't, act on what he saw. Or perhaps he did, in a way.

I don't know if I would change anything. I'm not sure I like how the mother shows up near the end, its sort of disruptive, the sudden 3rd person in the relationship that was so polar before then.


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## yesdarling (Dec 14, 2008)

Thank you for this. I can relate to certain aspects of this and also appreciate the honesty and the generosity it took to share it. Like a few others have mentioned, this is a piece I don't think can be easily commented on; even from one who's experienced something of the sort, this is a pain that's personal and private. 

One thing though, I actually wouldn't call it a 'raw' piece- this is something you've reflected over time and again and it shows through the writing which is both thoughtful and insightful. That it carries a turbulence and such strong emotional feelings as an undercurrent just shows your ability as a writer to maintain balance.


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