# Empty Arms



## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

The ones that have you, don't realize,
They take for granted what I'd treasure.
Its hard to explain in words these days,
a love that's hard to measure.

If I'm lacking and need not have,
the thing I want the most.
Then why does my heart ache, and
wish for it the most.

Little hands, and little feet.
And fingers curled around.
As you sleep a sigh escapes your lips,
I delight to hear the sound.

But back to them , you must go, 
for you do not belong to me.
Its hard to not break apart....
 A mother I may never be.

So mothers hold your baby's close,
and fathers train them well.
Infertility breaks this woman,
Infertility is hell.


Comments, critiques , and suggestions welcome. Have a blessed day !


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## Nemesis (Oct 2, 2012)

Very touching and sad, I like how you talk about the feelings of loss, brighten with the joy of holding a baby, but return to the sorrow when the child must go back to its rightful parents. The last lines are very powerful, but there was some inconsistency in the rhythm, some lines feel a little too long, and others too short.


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> Very touching and sad, I like how you talk about the feelings of loss, brighten with the joy of holding a baby, but return to the sorrow when the child must go back to its rightful parents. The last lines are very powerful, but there was some inconsistency in the rhythm, some lines feel a little too long, and others too short.



Thank you for the compliments, is the last four lines the only edit needed ? Could you perhaps tell me which ones sound too short, which ones too long. I apologize for this. I've kept most of my pieces private, a few have been gifts . Friends and family always tell you it's perfect... I'm tell them if it stinks be honest... Someone without correction in this art form will be lost... Fast!


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## Nemesis (Oct 2, 2012)

Not just the last verse, here's the syllables per line in each verse:

9, 9, 9, 7

8, 6, 7, 5

7, 6, 9, 7

7, 8, 7, 8,

8, 6, 9, 7

There isn't a pattern of any kind, and when you read it out loud it comes out awkward because the first verse sets the rhythm, and the others don't follow though the rhyming scheme stays the same


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> Not just the last verse, here's the syllables per line in each verse:
> 
> 9, 9, 9, 7
> 
> ...



Ok , that makes sense. I'll work on it a bit and see what happens . Though I am a bit stubborn in my ways apparently as most of my poetry is a mishmash of thoughts and feeling and sometimes it just pours out how it pours out.  but I do understand what you are saying. I've never had " professional" critique or really any writing " training" so to speak. I'm old at writing down the thoughts and feelings, but am obviously " green " in actual " structure or grace. I'm strong at imagery in my stories and essays... But poems are my one true love ... So if I can be " better" and make it more enjoyable for the reader... That will make me most happy ! Thank you for taking time to help me.


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

kermit123 said:


> They have you, and don't realize,
> They've been granted what I'd treasure.
> Its hard to share in words
> about love that's hard to measure.
> ...


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

Is that better? Worse?


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'll play around some more with it tomm, bed time or me


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## Nemesis (Oct 2, 2012)

"I delight in hearing your sounds" might flow better as I delight in every sound

"A mother I"ll never be." A mother I will never be  helps keep the flow.

I actually loved the original last verse you had and think you should keep it =)


The new flow is much better, I do like the feeling behind this piece, it's so personal and touching. Excellent job. Hopefully I helped


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## kermit123 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> "I delight in hearing your sounds" might flow better as I delight in every sound
> 
> "A mother I"ll never be." A mother I will never be  helps keep the flow.
> 
> ...



Yes you did . I delight in every sound Is 7 and I thought I had to stick with 8
So that's why i did it that way. 
I'll play around with it tomm, cross eyed at this point lol. Between you an me maybe we will sort  this poem out ?
Thanks again !


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## Nemesis (Oct 3, 2012)

Well a good test to see how it's flowing is to speak it out loud and find the rhythm it falls into, then you can hear any discrepancies


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## Cran (Oct 3, 2012)

kermit123 said:


> They have you, and don't realize,
> They've been granted what I'd treasure.
> Its hard to share in words
> about love that's hard to measure.
> ...



Somewhere in there is a poignant cry, 
a tragedy of life unfulfilled.

Unfortunately, it is spoiled in the making.

My first question is: 
_What's with the punctuation? _
Some are where they should not be; 
some are not what they should be.

My second question is:
_Why do three out of five stanzas
have three out of four lines capped?_

Unless there are reasons - a hidden meaning -
for what looks to me like arbitrary placements,
it seems that you have two choices for 
the first question, and three for the second. 

Punctuation - lose it, or use it properly.

Capped lines - all capped, or grammatically capped, 
or all uncapped.

I'm thinking that _baby's close_ is not 
a close belonging to a baby, but 
meant to be many _babies_ close
to their mothers.


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## kermit123 (Oct 3, 2012)

Cran said:


> Somewhere in there is a poignant cry,
> a tragedy of life unfulfilled.
> 
> Unfortunately, it is spoiled in the making.
> ...



****
Was on phone. Auto corrector is a pain and I'm still learning to use it. Will pop on the laptop and fix the kinks soon. 
Thank you , I do see where it still needs tweaking .


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## kermit123 (Oct 3, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> Well a good test to see how it's flowing is to speak it out loud and find the rhythm it falls into, then you can hear any discrepancies



Thanks  !


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## Cran (Oct 3, 2012)

kermit123 said:


> ****
> *Auto corrector is a pain* ...


 You got that right. Better if you can switch it off, especially for poetry.


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

Cran said:


> You got that right. Better if you can switch it off, especially for poetry.



New phone and haven't figured out all the setting ... Lol. But as soon as I locate auto correction I will be turning it off. 
Have to get out the laptop soon .... Besides the punctuation there is something still not sitting right with me when I read this aloud. 
I appreciate your help !


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

they have you, and don't realize. 
they've been given what I'd treasure.
it's hard to share in words
when love cannot be measured.

I feel punished to indeed not have, 
Something I want most of all
 my heart begins its ache,
the tears begin to fall.

Oh Little hands, and little feet.
how your fingers curled around.
a sigh escapes your lips,
a treasure in the sound. 

However back to them you go,
for you do not belong to me.
hard to not break apart
a mother I"ll never be.

So mothers hold your babies close. 
fathers train your children well.
broken is this woman,
Infertility is my


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

kermit123 said:


> they have you, and don't realize.
> they've been given what I'd treasure.
> it's hard to share in words
> when love cannot be measured.
> ...


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

I have the words I want now. Just hav to get on the laptop and fix the punctuation and grammatical end


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## tinacrabapple (Oct 6, 2012)

Wonderful poem!  Keep working on it!


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## IseeIwriteIam (Oct 6, 2012)

I was able to sense the direction of your poem quickly, which I personally liked.  Good job on expressing the feeling!


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

tinacrabapple said:


> Wonderful poem!  Keep working on it!



Thank you! It was a moment of sadness but for me sadness is my muse.


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## kermit123 (Oct 6, 2012)

IseeIwriteIam said:


> I was able to sense the direction of your poem quickly, which I personally liked.  Good job on expressing the feeling!



Thank you ! I agree it's direction is very short and to the point. Nothing fancy... No mystery. But like you I feel that it's what brings this one home.


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