# Travellin man



## CJL4307 (Jun 5, 2016)

(ORIGINAL)

A traveler at heart.
Thats what I am.
With foothold, direction.
With purpose, a plan.


I wont need direction.
Compass, path.
x, y or z
Psssh, who needs that.


Determination, grit,
A few of my tools,
Right foot and left,
Onward I move.


Places, untravelled.
Mysterious unknowns,
If I'd get out this chair,
Beyond living room.


A traveller at heart.
That's what I am.
If heart could meet foot,
I'd be a real travellin man.

(REVISED)

A traveler at heart,
That's what I am.
With foothold, direction.
With purpose, a plan.

Please keep your instructions,
Compass and paths.
X ,y or z
Psssh, who needs that?

Determination, grit,
Just two of my tools.
Right foot and left,
Onward I move.

Places untraveled.
Mysterious unknowns.
If I'd get out of this chair,
Beyond living room.


A traveler at heart,
That's what I am.
If heart could meet foot,
I'd be a real travellin' man.


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## Firemajic (Jun 5, 2016)

hahaaa, some things sound so damn good in theory... but reality... not so much? Keep the dream alive... 4th stanza is sublime...


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## curvatures (Jun 5, 2016)

I very much enjoyed this read. The idea is great. I especially liked the third stanza, but I do love the little twist in the fourth stanza. Once I read that, I smiled a little and it completely changed the imagery for me, which I liked!


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## Nellie (Jun 6, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> A traveler at heart.
> Thats what I am.
> With foothold, direction.
> With purpose, a plan.



That's what I am, too. At least that's what my intention was years ago! I had a purpose and a plan in sight! Place to go and things to see........



			
				CJL4307 said:
			
		

> I wont need direction.
> Compass, path.
> x, y or z
> Psssh, who needs that.



Great that you don't need direction! That's something I needed.




			
				CJL4307 said:
			
		

> Determination, grit,
> A few of my tools,
> Right foot and left,
> Onward I move.
> ...



Determination, grit.............. much needed tools to get you out of that chair. 




			
				CJL4307 said:
			
		

> A traveller at heart.
> That's what I am.
> If heart could meet foot,
> I'd be a real travellin man.



You're a traveller at heart, so you're a REAL traveling man! 

Thanks for the lighthearted read! I enjoyed it.


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## CJL4307 (Jun 6, 2016)

Our biggest limitations are often ourselves haha. Had fun writing it and I am immensely pleased that everyone has enjoyed it. Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment!


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## jenthepen (Jun 6, 2016)

_If heart could meet foot_ I just love that line! Thanks for a fun read CJL.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 6, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> A traveler at heart.
> Thats what I am.
> With foothold, direction.
> With purpose, a plan.
> ...



Nice stanzas! They connect the poem very nicely. 

My one gripe is that with your second stanza the last two lines don't seem to flow for me. I don't know-- maybe it's just me. They seem minimal in their effects in comparison to the other stanzas of your poem.

Good work though!


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## CJL4307 (Jun 6, 2016)

danielstj said:


> Nice stanzas! They connect the poem very nicely.
> 
> My one gripe is that with your second stanza the last two lines don't seem to flow for me. I don't know-- maybe it's just me. They seem minimal in their effects in comparison to the other stanzas of your poem.
> 
> Good work though!



 I definitely agree with you looking back at that second stanza. Maybe something to play with a little bit? Thanks for reading!


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## Phil Istine (Jun 6, 2016)

That was enjoyable to read and the fourth stanza's humorous turn reminded me of an old _Moody Blues_ song which goes, in part, '... _thinking is the best way to travel_... '.
A couple of minor nits: I would have used an apostrophe where the g has been omitted.  Also, there is inconsistency with 'l' or 'll'.  You have used British English by doubling up the 'l' except for line 1 where you have used the Americanised version.

A fun read, thanks.


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## CJL4307 (Jun 7, 2016)

I'm glad that you found it enjoyable! And thank you for that nitpicking haha. I never would have noticed those spelling inconsistencies and I had no idea there were distinct British or American spellings. Always learning something new.


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## Darkkin (Jun 7, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> A traveller at heart
> that's what I am.
> With foothold, (a) direction
> with purpose, a plan
> ...



Basic spellchecks and editing matter, especially if you want writers to take you seriously.  Was your piece meant to be humourous, yes.  Did I find it so?  As a reader, no.  There were just too many mistakes overshadowing the message you were attempting to imply.

This would be a fun piece for a poetry slam, but as is...Put in the time and cover the basics of grammar.  Punctuation in poetry, should be consistent, all or nothing, this includes capitalisations.


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## Nellie (Jun 7, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Was your piece meant to be humourous, yes.  Did I find it so?  As a reader, no.  There were just too many mistakes overshadowing the message you were attempting to imply.
> 
> This would be a fun piece for a poetry slam, but as is...Put in the time and cover the basics of grammar.  Punctuation in poetry, should be consistent, all or nothing, this includes capitalisations.



Excuse me, but can't mistakes be corrected to make them funny? Don't we ALL _learn by our mistakes_?


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## CJL4307 (Jun 7, 2016)

@ darkkin

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for going through my piece. I can agree with you on one or maybe two points but to be quite frank, I feel as though we do not see eye to eye. Which is understandable since everyone will not only read differently but also have varied interpretations. That being said I respect your input and hope only to improve, garnering upon the advice I have received. Thanks!


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## aj47 (Jun 7, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> A traveler at heart.
> Thats what I am.
> You need an apostrophe in *that's*, as it's a contraction.
> With foothold, direction.
> ...



Basic proofreading before posting is common courtesy.  Poetry, like all writing, is about communication and if the text stream is garbled, the message is less likely to make it through.

What I take from this is that the protagonist would be a travelling sort if only s/he could be motivated to take the first step.  I think this is a fine metaphor for someone who could be a poet, if only they could be motivated to take the first step.  You could develop this into something amazing with a solid revision.


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## CJL4307 (Jun 7, 2016)

astroannie said:


> Basic proofreading before posting is common courtesy.  Poetry, like all writing, is about communication and if the text stream is garbled, the message is less likely to make it through.
> 
> What I take from this is that the protagonist would be a travelling sort if only s/he could be motivated to take the first step.  I think this is a fine metaphor for someone who could be a poet, if only they could be motivated to take the first step.  You could develop this into something amazing with a solid revision.



Hey, thanks for taking the time to go through this. I completely agree that proper grammar is a must and admittedly, I am still learning the proper use in various scenarios.  After reading your commentary, I have gone back and corrected (I hope) the grammatical aspects in addition to a few minor changes. In the fourth stanza I didn't find it entirely necessary to insert your suggested words, just because I felt as though the flow was better without them. Again thank-you very much for taking the time to review this. Without such critique, I would never analyze my work and puffed up as I am might cease to improve!


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## Darkkin (Jun 7, 2016)

Just read through your revision and it is a very good piece.  Humorous and insightful, one I can say I enjoyed reading because of the time you took to edit.  The effort is greatly appreciated.  This is one of those pieces that translates well when read aloud, too.  Content enhanced by the reader's interpretation of it.  As I said before, a good piece for a poetry slam, one sure to make the crowd smile.  Thank you.

- D. the T.


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## Firemajic (Jun 7, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> Again thank-you very much for taking the time to review this. Without such critique, I would never analyze my work and puffed up as I am might cease to improve!




Thank you so much for understanding what the Mentors were trying to do! We ALL should strive hard to improve our craft, and make our voice and message powerful, unique and beautiful. 
Your revision shows much improvement, and THAT is the ONLY goal of the mentors, who put so much care, time and thought into each critique they give....


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