# clean



## un named (Jul 7, 2010)

The twinkle in your eyes 
has died like a burnt out star
The old you is like a ghost
that even you can barley remember

You're like a walking skeleton 
getting skinner by the day
with more shadows 
on your face every hour 

wrinkles growing on 
your young and once beautiful face
hairs slowly turning gray
as the only thing you 
care about ages you.

Look into your own dilated eyes
and say that is what you wanted

I can see your bones 
through your skin, 
but still you can't eat
and just like every night
theres no hope of
getting sleep tonight

You can't stop moveing 
not even for a second
Your a ticking time bomb 
just waiting to die.

Sobers just a myth
that the world keeps trying
to make you believe.

Don't want to think 
about your life that you 
destroyed so carelessly. 

You couldn't fly 
instead you sunk to the bottom. 
you keep Jumping off cliffs landing 
flat on your face 
getting up and walking away.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 8, 2010)

Hi, un named. I think your poem has some great potential. I would consider fleshing out both your characters which I think would require stanzas. Fatten up the poem! As it stands, running down the page, I found it a bit difficult to follow. You have great imagery in the begining but it seems to stop there. I would employ imagery throughout the poem as exampled:

And you have a great similie going on here. Very good!


> The twinkle in
> your eyes has
> died like a
> burnt out star


 
This poem is really "worthy" of a re-write, if you care to spend the time. I enjoyed very much. Laurie


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## un named (Jul 8, 2010)

silver moon thank you for the comment and your perspective.
I tried to put more imagery in and I did fatten up the poem.
glad you liked it.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 8, 2010)

SUPURB edit! :wink:


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## vangoghsear (Jul 8, 2010)

Un named, this is a vast improvement over your previous contributions.  Interesting imagery.  Not bad.




un named said:


> The twinkle in your eyes has
> died like a burnt out star
> The old you is like a ghost
> that even you can barley remember *(loved this)*
> ...


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## Gumby (Jul 8, 2010)

Hi there un named, welcome to the forum.  You've gotten some great editing advise and it really has improved the read on this. The only suggestion that I have is that you look at your line breaks and maybe reconsider some of them. Try to end each line with either a complete thought, or a strong word. I've tried to show you what I mean in the following. Please don't think this means your poem isn't good, it just can be better with a little re-work here and there. On a personal note, I too have experienced what this poem is about and share your frustration in dealing with someone in this situation. Cheers.



> The twinkle in your eyes has (consider moving the '_has'_ down to the next line)
> died like a burnt out star
> The old you is like a ghost
> that even you can barley remember
> ...


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## un named (Jul 9, 2010)

Silver moon, thanks n i couldn't of done it without your advice 

Vangogshear, thanks for the editing I'm horriable at grammer no matter how hard I try I always miss something. 

Gumby thanks for the advice on breaking up lines, for some reason on this poem i just couldn't decide where to end what line, and im always open to suggestions on makeing my writeing better.


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## vangoghsear (Jul 9, 2010)

un named said:


> Vangogshear, thanks for the editing I'm horriable at grammer no matter how hard I try I always miss something.


 I also used to be awful at grammar, until I wrote a novel.  I was much better by the end of that.


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