# Don't Comment On Weight



## MamaStrong (Jan 17, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> I had a young woman come into the video store where I worked and she asked me if I were pregnant.  At the time I hadn't had "relations" in over a year.  I stared at her and said no.  She winked and said "sure ok."  I have never worn that shirt again.
> 
> Some people (like me) are just fat.  Don't assume I'm pregnant.



I've been battling with my weight for SO long since I gave birth...as someone who used to be a bean pole before kids, it's a shock. I don't see how people could ever even accidentally think it's OK to say anything regarding someone else's weight.


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## dale (Jan 17, 2015)

MamaStrong said:


> I've been battling with my weight for SO long since I gave birth...as someone who used to be a bean pole before kids, it's a shock. I don't see how people could ever even accidentally think it's OK to say anything regarding someone else's weight.



yeah. and it becomes a problem, sometimes. because as a gentleman, you can't ever mention anything related to it. 
like my ex...she was just really hot gorgeous...but she was always paranoid about her weight. especially after having
the kid. and she really WAS NOT fat at all. but she had this thing for these hispanic type sun-dresses. and it was like they
put 30 pounds on her when she wore them. i mean...visually, not really. but i couldn't tell her that. because she would have
took it as me calling her fat or something. but it was like i was stuck with her wearing those asinine sun-dresses and couldn't
tell her.."stop wearing those. you look fat in them, even though you aren't really fat." ahhh....the life of a gentleman is never a simple one.


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## aj47 (Jan 17, 2015)

dale, I would wonder what bothers you about it.  Being seen with her?  If so, that's your issue, not hers.


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## dale (Jan 17, 2015)

astroannie said:


> dale, I would wonder what bothers you about it.  Being seen with her?  If so, that's your issue, not hers.



pfft. same thing that would bother a woman if i walked out of the house looking like a slobby scrub, i guess. 
why would anyone want a person they care about to walk around looking worse than they should?

- - - Updated - - -

and for the record...if "being seen with her" would have been the priority? i would have told her, regardless of her feelings.
i was proud of that girl on my arm, no matter what she wore.


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## LeeC (Jan 17, 2015)

Yes, alas, I was only considering my reaction. 

I'm a little overweight now because my mobility is reduced, but even understanding I don't dare mention weight in front of my upper nineties mother-in-law. Even a compliment that she's looking trimer will snap the shark jaws.


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## Ariel (Jan 18, 2015)

MamaStrong said:


> I've been battling with my weight for SO long since I gave birth...as someone who used to be a bean pole before kids, it's a shock. I don't see how people could ever even accidentally think it's OK to say anything regarding someone else's weight.



Mine is grief-depression weight.  I was a tiny kid and a fairly svelt teenager.  It didn't pack on until I hit my upper teens/early 20s.  I haven't really _gained_ weight since my mid-20s but it's not really coming off either.

It's hard to lose when you just want to sleep all the time, right?


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## dale (Jan 18, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> Mine is grief-depression weight.  I was a tiny kid and a fairly svelt teenager.  It didn't pack on until I hit my upper teens/early 20s.  I haven't really _gained_ weight since my mid-20s but it's not really coming off either.
> 
> It's hard to lose when you just want to sleep all the time, right?



if your avatar is a recent pic of you, you don't look that overweight to me at all. you women get hung up on this 'depression syndrome". i mean...we all have our "insecurities"...but you're a pretty girl. you shouldn't let the weight of the world drag you down so much. sling that shit off and have a good time.


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## Ariel (Jan 18, 2015)

Aww, thanks Dale.


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## dale (Jan 18, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> Aww, thanks Dale.


lol. what's funny? after i sent that...i started worrying about whether it was one of those "what not to say" moments i seem
 to be so famous for having in life. but yeah. glad you took it like i meant it. ain't nothin wrong with you.


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## Ariel (Jan 18, 2015)

I tend to assume (because of my experience) that men typically aren't trying to insult women in any way unless they come straight out and say something whereas women are. Men are more direct while women are passive-aggressive.  I get direct.


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## dale (Jan 18, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> I tend to assume (because of my experience) that men typically aren't trying to insult women in any way unless they come straight out and say something whereas women are. Men are more direct while women are passive-aggressive.  I get direct.



i think men lie less, but want lied to more. that's our weakness.


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## midnightpoet (Jan 18, 2015)

"i think men lie less"

Don't tell that to my wife.

Actually, I ascribe to "It's better to close your mouth and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."
My wife complains I don't talk but every time I try I get in trouble.


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## bazz cargo (Jan 18, 2015)

@Amswatell. With the caveat that the Avvi picture may be significantly out of date. I love you for your mind, your exterior is an added bonus.

Additional.
I am a 56 yo male with beard and bald spot, a twenty something whipper-snapper asked me when my baby was due,  the body is well hidden.


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## Schrody (Jan 18, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> I had a young woman come into the video store where I worked and she asked me if I were pregnant.  At the time I hadn't had "relations" in over a year.  I stared at her and said no.  She winked and said "sure ok."  I have never worn that shirt again.
> 
> Some people (like me) are just fat.  Don't assume I'm pregnant.



You don't look fat 


OT: Yes to a question: "Does my butt looks big in this jeans?" XD


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## aj47 (Jan 18, 2015)

This thread should be retitled "Weight, weight, don't tell me..."


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## InstituteMan (Jan 18, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> I tend to assume (because of my experience) that men typically aren't trying to insult women in any way unless they come straight out and say something whereas women are. Men are more direct while women are passive-aggressive.  I get direct.



While there are exceptions, most men are terrible at both compliments and insults.


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## popsprocket (Jan 18, 2015)

InstituteMan said:


> While there are exceptions, most men are terrible at both compliments and insults.



I'm terrible at compliments. As they tumble out of my mouth I don't think anything of it, then about five minutes later I'm usually left standing there thinking 'Crap, that probably sounded like an insult'.

These days I just stick to being mean. It's far more expedient.


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## TKent (Jan 18, 2015)

Haha. You got that right. I honestly don't care about cooking so don't do it much. Let my hubbie do that. But tonight as he was digging into his meal he said, "Damn, baby, you sure know how to order Thai food." LOL. 

And I make life easy on him and do not ask him if I look fat in any outfits. Ever.



InstituteMan said:


> While there are exceptions, most men are terrible at both compliments and insults.


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## InstituteMan (Jan 18, 2015)

TKent said:


> And I make life easy on him and do not ask him if I look fat in any outfits. Ever.



Nothing good ever comes from asking "do I look fat?" The asker can't trust an answer of "no," and an answer of "yes" is hurtful. 
.
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But I ain't saying I've never been asked this question. I always answer "hell no." :-?


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## MamaStrong (Jan 18, 2015)

Wow. Got it's own thread. 

Ams- I believe mine is a mixture of having a baby and grief-depression weight as well. With my first, four years ago, my birth mother stopped talking to me for the first year. All due to my sister's doing...because my mom could never think much for herself. I was living 3000 miles away so it threw me into PPD. Finally got over that but my mom's side of the family is cursed with big hips after babies. Then I had my son and haven't been able to get the weight off. When I was about 20 weeks pregnant with him, my birth mother...who I had JUST reconnected with and made peace with, died from Cancer unexpectedly. Still dealing with that grief. I agree with Dale though. If your avatar photo says anything, it's..."you're gorgeous"!


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## Sam (Jan 19, 2015)

The sad thing is that this is not going away any time soon. 

Everywhere you look, there's a show about people losing weight: _The Biggest Loser, One Year to Save My Life, I Used to Be Fat, _etcetera. It's pervasive in society as well, with children being mocked and insulted in school for being overweight, and pictures all over Facebook of people taking selfies of their morning runs and posting pictures of their flat stomachs. Then it's rampant in newspapers. One day, a celebrity is being chided for not having enough weight on their frame, and the next they're being denigrated for having too much. 

There's no happy medium. One of the reasons why it's so hard to answer the question, "Do I look fat?", is because there is no neutral ground. You have 'fat' or 'skinny', 'big' or 'small', 'overweight' or underweight', but these words are all positive or negative; there is no neutral. So either your weight and size makes you feel good, or bad, but because we have no bell curve from which to distinguish our middle ground, there's never a place where we feel content. We resolve to lose another pound, or feel guilty for adding one, but we're never happy. It's a vicious cycle that continues in perpetuity for the majority of our lives, until we reach an age where we just don't care any longer. 

The only way to stop the cycle is to ask ourselves: why don't we care at that age? Why is it socially acceptable for an elderly person to have weight and not be ridiculed for it? Because we don't expect a person of that age to exercise? Because we admire people who don't care? No, because it fits the image. You aren't going to see many octogenarians bench-pressing three hundred pounds and taking selfies of their ripped bodies. The image of a young woman, for instance, conjures words like svelte and pert and elegant; but the image of a young man conjures words like urbane and confident and charming. Notice the difference? Female descriptive words are centred around size and weight, while male are centred around personality. That is why it's more socially acceptable for a man to be overweight than a woman, because the image of women we see on television and cinema is all the same: thin, hourglass bodies with little to no excess weight. And though we have seen more overweight women in television over the last ten years, it's still not as prevalent as overweight men. 

So what else would women feel other than ashamed and depressed when all they see every day is pictures of other women looking like models, in both television, newspapers, and even social media?


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## Ariel (Jan 19, 2015)

For me, at least, it's about health.   I no longer feel healthy.  I am overweight for my height and I don't get enough exercise.  Part of it a sedentary job, and part of it is long days before I get home, but mostly I'm just lazy.  I'm not looking to drastically change my body as some sort of magical fix for the ills in my life.  I just want to be able to walk up the stairs without being winded.


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## Converse (Jan 19, 2015)

One of my closest friends said about 6 months ago to a news posting about very skinny malnourished looking models / celebs - that if this look is the new beautiful than starvation victims in Africa should be worshipped as gods of beauty.


Being fat & staying fat - unless its a medical issue / thyroid for example - has absolutely no excuse. However, been so skinny that one can count their ribs is absolutely insane. 

A healthy weight - which is unfortunately becoming perverse with celebs and models with their super skinny forms as if that's anymore healthy than someone weighing 800 lbs. - is what you should aim to achieve. 

At the same time consideration must be made for bone structure - I am big boned due to being of Polish descendant - and if I was to weigh the same amount of weight as a "chicken boned" woman my age & height I'd looked as I had been starving. 



If you are questioning your weight - thinking you look fat - you are more than likely going to remain fat or get fatter because you get depressed, etc., etc. 

If you want to get skinny *do it for you *and no other reason. A boyfriend / girlfriend that complains about your weight isn't worth keeping - as more often than not they are more embarrassed about your appearance than your health. .... Sorry Dale, you are a good example as you contradict yourself at least twice about your girl with the Hispanic sundresses. 


Myself for example. 

Three years ago I busted my knee - did in my knee cap really - playing soccer. Before that I was relatively trim, very fit. However due to the complications behind the surgery, as the original surgeon was something of a quack, the recovery took a lot longer than it should have. I lost my fitness, I became fatter than I had since been a kid. 

I got depressed. Particularly when looking at my friends - both male & female - and here I am as a "blob" sitting on the side lines. I ate all sorts of crap - chocolate, ice cream, etc. - but by association got fatter = more depressed. 

It wasn't until recently - when I learnt of the possibility of becoming diabetic - that I said screw this. Since then I have been cutting down and doing what exercise I can.


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## Kevin (Jan 19, 2015)

> I ascribe to "It's better to close your mouth and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."


  N.S.,  this whole thread is a minefield


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## MamaStrong (Jan 19, 2015)

For me it's about health too. I'm not as alert, I feel ugly (for myself...which can lead to feeling down about stuff), and as a female from a family who thinks being overweight is OK...and to see how early they die off...yeah not something I'm interested in doing. 

I tend to worry about my own weight than others of course. Besides the man on top of me, (my husband  ), no one else's weight matters to me unless they bring me into their business. I'm all for being a motivator.


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## Ariel (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm from a "fat city"--we like food around here and lots of it.  My family tends towards being overweight and I'm at high risk for diabetes.


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## Kevin (Jan 19, 2015)

You should see the place I sometimes work. I swear I should video (opposite of your town). Talk about feeling self-conscious... Whew♫!


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Jan 19, 2015)

Perked up my ears here at Diabetes. Dad's type one, so his pancreas doesn't do a single thing. 
I have a predisposition myself, the common term being 'hyperactive pancreas.' So whenever I eat too much,
or something with too many calories or starches, which turns straight into sugar, my pancreas overreacts and makes 
too much insulin. Then I have glorious low blood sugar and have to eat more. 

Now I'm skinny myself. Not bragging, it's just my metabolism. But this being the case I face the same issues. Don't eat too many bad foods, or too much of anything. If I don't keep this under control one day my pancreas will simply stop working. Thanks for those genetics, right? Hah. And I'm in the south! So none of the food here is good for me at all! And it's delicious...I know how hard it is. Oh, but I would never ask someone if they're pregnant!


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## MzSnowleopard (Jan 21, 2015)

Wow gang, you've hit on my # 1 personal pet peeve. I've had problems with my weight since I hit puberty. It's always bothered me but not more so than how my so called friends react to it. Girls I know who couldn't weigh more than 120 soaking wet say "You're not fat, I'M the one who's fat." And the guys don't help. Their position is "If you want to lose weight, that's great- just don't lose the ta-ta's."

I've even known girls who acted as if just the idea of my losing weight was a threat to them.

What bothers me the most is my defeatist responses- I have let it get to me.  It's a vicious endless cycle and the only way to break it has been to cut ties.

I wish that I could talk with the ladies in my Sunday Bible class. That's not going to happen though because some of them are in the same range as me or heavier. Talk about awkward.

I wish it was easy, but the PCOS gets in the way. Some days, I curse my body for having this .... flaw.

I've gone to the social forums for women with PCOS. It's frustrating because the majority of the woman on them are focused on the fertility problem and having babies. For them it's all about the babies.

I've have 3, for personal reasons I chose to give them up for adoption. So, going to those sites and seeing all that chatter about babies is uncomfortable for me.

It wasn't until years later, when I moved to Sioux City, that I learned I have this flaw. I felt empowered, as if things had finally clicked into place like a puzzle. Following my doctors orders and taking my meds- I lost 55 pounds.

That's when I began to feels as if my friends were sabotaging me. The comments like "Oh you're not fat", or out right blatant discouragement.

I've since regained the weight plus more- so this year I'm buying the bike I've have my eyes on for 3 years now. Since I'm sedentary, my plan is to ride while I watch my TV programs. My doc thinks it's a great idea.


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## KuroStrawberryX (Feb 6, 2015)

I'm like the opposite I have no fat and I cannot gain for crap. I've ate junk, protein and carbs, and still nada. Actually I cut back on fried foods and sodas (addicted to caffeine) and lost so much weight I jumped off the scale. So I decided enough was enough. I've been a memeber of a gym for about two years now. Still weight less than I did in high school -.- Im 21 fast metabolism obviously. I often get teased about how I need to eat more or if I get a lot of food how I can't eat all that. I mean I have thin skin (figuratively and literally) about my weight. So yeah I was told my metabolism will eventually slow down and by then im gonna wish it didn't lol. We'll have to weight and see (ok bad pun). But yes weight in this day and age is just not a good topic to talk about period really.


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## am_hammy (Feb 6, 2015)

I sometimes think it's the connotation behind the question of "Does this make me look fat?" rather than the actual question. Shoot, if my best friend is going to say to me "Okay so what do you think of this ____" I'm going to tell her the freaking truth. Not because I actually think she's fat but because she's asking me what looks okay and what doesn't and I'm going to be honest with her.

Now, with males and females it's going to be a little different. I guess it's a fine line and it can also depend on the person that you're speaking to it about. I guess it's a little more difficult with the opposite sex. Okay it's a lot more difficult. Honestly though, if I were to ask my future boyfriend/man whatever if I looked good in something or not I would want him to be completely honest. Doesn't mean I would always listen to him but I would still want opinions. But opinions of what I'm wearing, not my body, if that makes sense.

I guess coming from the perspective of the last relationship I was in when the guy I was with constantly told me I needed to lose weight, I wasn't pretty enough, I wore my glasses too much, not enough makeup etc. it began to wear down on me(sort of made me turn the other cheek to it as well). I'm not sure how I feel about myself now, it's a work in progress but I've also learned to be honest about myself and what I look like, especially in the weight category. When I talk about it all now, I'm the one bringing it up and making it safe for someone to tell me, not someone forcing an idea of themselves on me.

Again, I guess it's just the connotation. 

*Sighs*

This is a tough subject. I'm not even sure I'm adequately explaining my thoughts but hopefully the gist is made. Wrestling with a tough subject peeps!


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## Ariel (Feb 6, 2015)

I've learned to never let someone else define who you are.  That means their opinion on body hair, the color of your hair, the length, glasses or not, weight--none of that should matter.  That's a struggle to maintain but it's something I'm working on.


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