# A Fantasy Prologue (2300 words)



## SVenus (May 26, 2016)

So I wrote this tonight without really knowing where I was going with it or what it was about and was wondering what you guys thought of it in general. Thanks  



PROLOGUE​


The First High Councilor discarded his wishful attacker's left eye into the moonlit pond. As the blue eye plummeted with a faint splash a thin layer of blood spread and was quickly devoured by the silver water. The eye quickly resurfaced; it seemed to still be shifting and settling, and staring at the co-leader of Raenos. 

He said, while the hamstrung man wailed prone on the grass, “You thought me defenceless, fool? I can see by the colour of your filthy eye that you are nothing but a northern barbarian, here to spread chaos, since your ilk are good for little else. So what will it be? Do you think a quick death is deserved? Will your lone god accept such a failure of a man amongst his hall of poets?” He spoke loudly and clearly, so that anyone nearby could without a mistake hear, which was not wise, in the end. They were, alas, all alone in the dark.

In contrast—which pleased him greatly, for the difference between the Raenian Republic and the western barbarian lands was measured in the weight of seas and not ponds—the failed killer's voice was ragged and hushed. “I... tell... what put me here.”

As expected, the filth spoke next to none of the beautiful Quenan language, but his words were understood. First High Councilor Lato knelt and placed the flat of his exquisite short sword beneath the barbarian's chin, and slowly lifted his head upwards. The edge of the blade was a hair's width from the neck's arteries. The barbarian winced and cried, blood from the left and tears from the right.

“You think I do not know who sent you, or that I would spare your miserable life... if you told me so?” Lato felt a pause in his voice, existing for a moment. He wondered if he was taking too much pleasure from this, but decided that mistaking necessity for pleasure was wrong, even if the two could go conjointly. This was, he thought, pure duty. “No murderer of good men deserves mercy, even if he is a failure such as you are. However, all of us are children of the gods, for even a father-denying son is still a son. Do you have your last words?”

“Please... I tell who...” His whole face was bloodied by then, and blood and saliva dripped from his mouth.

“That will have to suffice,” Lato said, “for you will receive no burial rites from me.” For a moment he wondered if the barbarian thought that he still might survive. Lato quickly discarded that thought. Pulling gently, he severed the barbarian's throat and watched torrents of blood burst from the skin like water from a cracking dam, colouring the grass and the pond and the bobbing eye; while doused a half of it it temporarily sank, but it reemerged fully once again. 

So much red, Lato thought. It was hardly his favourite colour, since seeing it so much in blood and fire and his own robe and ring of office made it dull, unexciting. His heart stopped its violent beating as the barbarian died. That was good, he decided. The ability to get excited from a simple kill meant he wasn't becoming jaded or dull, like the colour red. He cleaned his sword in the water and wiped it against the dead man's back. Then came the time to resume what he was doing, before the unfortunate interruption. 

Good thing as well, he thought, that the barbarian (he wouldn't deign to think of the man as an assassin) had decided to attack, and not simply observe and report to his employer. This event could easily stay quiet, an armed barbarian killed outside of Raenos itself. What good son of the City wouldn't kill him? Whereas even rumours of one of the two most powerful men in the Republic being abroad at night could be potentially damaging if accessed by the right rival, and there were many shrewd enough to utilise it well. Village whores, sorceries, wolfman transformations, cults of unlawful deities? All of these came to mind, as easy possibilities of what such an exquisitely accomplished man was doing in the fields outside Raenos at night, alone, unprotected by his goldsword guards. 

Nonsense, obviously. It was an open secret, in any case. He was visiting his banished, infamous sister. Who was a witch, some said.


###​

She had spent the day as usual, tending to the animals and the garden, reading the many scrolls (sometimes even codices!) brought to her by her brother, drinking tea while reading, preparing other kinds of tea for the few women who dared to look for her (this one for a purpose very much different from gustative pleasure). 

The hut she resided in couldn't have been built in a more perfect location. It was close enough to the Capital so that her brother's trips were quick, and in a somewhat secluded place, with tall and heavy oaks shielding her from both the summer sun and the prying eyes of strangers. Those who would dare venture through the woods, which were in reality mostly harmless, but tell that to the superstitious folks both in and out of the City, were likely to find the hut. Sela, however, did have her methods with which to ward of the unnecessary strangers. Pregnant women were welcome, of course. Bold men looking to conquer the witch of the woods with their mighty manhoods, and bring her back to the civilised world like a bound heifer, were not. 

It was all still strange, even after the three years here. Sela was still not sure, since she never left the glade, what the people of Raenos knew of her here. Did they knew who she was, in regards to her famous brother? Or even if someone was really here? Did the women speak of her, even after being specifically instructed not to? She doubted the shamed men would dare to brag about what happened, since no one bragged of failure. In the end, she decided, it doesn't even matter. By now she very much enjoyed her hut.

The little glade was beautiful in the summer. The swaying of the tall grass in the breeze made for an enjoyable sight while reading and sipping tea. A pathway lead directly from the doorstep through the grass and into the woods, so she could always from the porch see who was coming. Obviously, some might arrive from behind the hut, but she found that people instinctively would circle the hut and stay away from the trees and make their way quickly to the path. A sense of preservation perhaps, of the road being safer then the wilderness, even if it was no true road and no true wilderness. 

The rumours that this glade was a common place for family fathers of the old to discard their misshapen infants lent another air of eeriness. Such barbarism was recently outlawed. Thanks to Lato, if she wasn't mistaken. Some old grumblers complained that the law was senseless, considering that family fathers had the rights of life and death regarding their offspring (and slaves... and wives in certain marriages). If a father could kill a son of twelve summers why not dispose of a son with none? Surely, a passerby or the gods could always come to rescue, if the child was destined to live? 

Thankfully, she thought, she hadn't heard or seen any babies here. And Lato would surely deal with all the murdering a family father could do as quickly as he was allowed to. It was usually the girls who suffered. In one of the scrolls brought to her, a jurist by the name of Cais recounted the story in which a brother nonchalantly wrote his sister, asking her to urge her husband to keep the child if a son, and expose it if a daughter.

The tea tasted bitter for a while. This night, as she drank it and read Cais' commentaries on the mostly defunct Iron Tables by the many candles, the taste was sweet. Then she saw Lato approaching, and the taste was even sweeter. 


###​ 

He had picked up the basket and the torch he had thrown on a boulder by the pond before the fight and went on to Sela's hut. He was a man of no superstition and little faith, but one who understood that it doesn't come down to piety but obedience and tradition. Still, he felt the need to pray at the mansion altar before departing the City. The private gods were of more use when it came to protection that the public 
cult was.

It was mostly owls he heard, and some growls which might belong to wolves, but no peril came. He quickly found the pathway and saw in the distance the shimmering of candlelight and the illuminated face of Sela, reading a scroll. Entering the glade the fresh smell of the forest subsided.

He would wave, if his hand's weren't full. She smiled when she saw him but didn't stop reading, not until he was a few feet away. Then she set down the scroll and stood from her chair to descend the porch stairs and hug him. Lato carefully maneuvered the torch. Saw it leaving fire trails in the night.

“Your scent is awful, blood and sweat. What happened?” She spoke in her quiet, sweet voice, as always.

Lato pulled away from the embrace and said, calmly, “I was attacked, but I dealt with it easily.”

“An assassin?” she asked, not showing much worry. “Again?”

“Yes,” he said, finding some humour in it. “I am beginning to get not just annoyed, but also insulted. It seems they think I am some weakling, good only with words.”

“They? You know who it might be?”

“I have my thoughts, of course,” he said. “Nothing for you to worry about.” He pursed his lips and motioned with his head towards the hut. “Let's go inside. We have some matters to discuss.”

Once inside, sitting on comfortable, cushioned chairs, he drank watered wine and watched as Sela rummaged through the basket. He had put the torch in a sconce outside. “You should get a dog. Could keep you company and guard you.”

She said nothing.

“Those few chickens and that cow are hardly in a proper place, I think. Not that I am an expert on farm animals. I can bring you food as well as the scrolls.”

She was still looking through the goods, not taking her eyes and hands off of it.

“I am talking to you Sela. Look at me and respond.” He didn't snap at her, but being used to having all the room's attention on him shaped a person.

“What is it, brother?”

“You have no father nor husband, nor a tutor. I am your family father and you will talk to me when I want you to.”

“So, what was the question?” she asked.

He sighed and took a sip of the wine. It wasn't very good. “Do you like what I brought you?”

“I've been desiring Iorus' writings on the slave uprisings for quite some time, brother. Thank you very much.” She stood and kissed him on the cheek. 

He couldn't help but laugh. “You are a strange woman, sister. I've yet to met another woman who felt the need to peak into the worlds of men. Not a wise decision on your part, considering what it led to.”

“I like it here,” she said. “And what's wrong with being odd?”

“Until it gets you killed, nothing, I suppose. It easily can, though.”

“Who'll kill me here? You?” She smiled. Her teeth were very good. Something he always noticed when she smiled. Something he had been jealous of when they were children. Always whiter and better shaped then his. 

“No,” he said pensively. “Not me. But trouble will come. Sooner or later. I wield enough power now. I can have your name removed from infamy, and have you come back.”

“I don't want that.”

“It doesn't matter what you want, Sela. As the head of our family it is not only my wish but also my duty to protect you. I would fail our gods and the memory of father if I didn't.”

“As if you care about that,” she said, standing away from the table and moving towards the window. “Don't make me leave. Please.”

He scoffed, looking at her back. Her dark hair was wild and unbound, falling across the entirety of the backside of her grey tunic. As children some relatives found it hard to tell them apart, but he always kept his hair trimmed, and since he become a man his face clean shaven as was now fit for a High Councilor. “You are doing both of us a disservice. Words are spreading about me leaving Raenos at certain nights. I'll have to stop coming for a while.”

She turned to look at him, hazel eyes on hazel eyes. “But what about—”

“You will still get your scrolls,” he said.

“That's not what I was going to say. I meant you. I... enjoy these night talks.”

His gaze fell to the floor for a moment. “Come to Raenos then, and you can see me every day.” 

Sela's face clearly showed her frustration. He envied her slightly for that, showing what she thought so easily. No man could rise so far up the magisterial ranks and not learn how to hide his feelings. “We will see,” she said. “Perhaps.” She rushed towards her nightstand. “I also have a gift for you.”

“Really?” he asked. “What is it?”

She walked towards him, clutching an open letter at her breast. “I think I've found what you were looking for. _Who_ you were looking for, I should say.”

He grinned, which he rarely did, and in that moment loved her as much a brother could love his sister.


END OF PROLOGUE​


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## Ultraroel (May 26, 2016)

" He spoke loudly and clearly, so that anyone nearby could without a mistake hear, which was not wise, in the end. They were, alas, all alone in the dark."

Doesn't work for me. Maybe cause I'm not a native speaker.. but "Anyone nearby could without a mistake hear".. What? Is the sentence so weird? Or do I misunderstand? What are you trying to say here?
That everyone could hear them loud and clear? "Which was not wise"  seemed stuffed in between, again just to seem interesting. Why not just add it behind, or use it before : He spoke unwisely loud and clear ... 

"They were, alas, all alone in the dark"

Again, I might miss it, but I don't see what alas means here? It sounds like you added the word, merely to sound more fancy, it makes it sound weird in my opinion.

Also: Do you think a quick death is deserved? Will your lone god accept such a failure of a man amongst his hall of poets?” 
If he's a barbarian, it seems weird to me to know of poets in his society. If a civilization is literate etc, it's not likely to be barbaric.. maybe it is, but it made me read it twice.

" In contrast—which pleased him greatly, for the difference between the Raenian Republic and the western barbarian lands was measured in the weight of seas and not ponds"
the sentence behind - made me read again. What is the use of this addition? it seems random, I discarded it right away.

"The barbarian winced and cried, blood from the left and tears from the right."
So much for a vicious killer, a brave man that came to kill, scared for a sword under his chin.

"“That will have to suffice,” Lato said, “for you will receive no burial rites from me.”" 
The guys doesn't believe what he does, he doesn't care anyway.

I have to stop now, will add more later to what I read/'wrote


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## SVenus (May 26, 2016)

Ultraroel said:


> " He spoke loudly and clearly, so that anyone nearby could without a mistake hear, which was not wise, in the end. They were, alas, all alone in the dark."
> 
> Doesn't work for me. Maybe cause I'm not a native speaker.. but "Anyone nearby could without a mistake hear".. What? Is the sentence so weird? Or do I misunderstand? What are you trying to say here?
> That everyone could hear them loud and clear? "Which was not wise"  seemed stuffed in between, again just to seem interesting. Why not just add it behind, or use it before : He spoke unwisely loud and clear ...
> ...




Thanks for the reply 

"Anybody nearby could without a mistake hear" - that means that if someone was near them, due to the volume of Lato's voice, he could doubtlessly hear him speaking. "Alas" in that context would mean, that they were, in fact, to the sorrow of the barbarian, alone. I think it's place is proper, Lato is a bit of a grandiose figure when dealing with people he doesn't know.

The stuff with poets and barbarians is intentional. Consider, for example, that the Germanic tribes had their storytellers but were still considered by some, like the Romans, as barbarians.

The next sentence (the sea and pond comparison) is to show Lato's thoughts on the barbarians.

He isn't really a vicious killer, is he  ? 

The burial rites are expounded later in the book in more detail.

I appreciate all replies but honestly, I think all that you pointed out is rather self-explanatory.


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## Ultraroel (May 26, 2016)

Sure thing. It may be. 
I'm not used to critiquing, but decided to give it a go.
You ask for critique, I give it. If you discard my feedback so easily as "self-explanatory", than why post in the first place. 
I'm critiquing from a readers perspective and this is what I wondered. 

You've probably read it 100s of times, so maybe try to take it serious.

Maybe someone else agrees. But the sentence "Anybody nearby could without a mistake hear" Just sounds..meh. 
I am providing you with insight of someone who reads it, not with grammar or style knowledge, just someone who likes to read.
The sentence sounds like you werent sure what you wanted to say. If this is how you want to say it, fine. I just don't like it.

The same goes for alas in the next sentence. It doesn't add, it's not needed.
It just makes your fine sentence, extremely silly. 

The Germanic tribes were illiterate though. And if you mean to say Poets as story tellers, that's a big difference.

Again Lato's thoughts about the barbarians, should be comprehensive. I for one, don't get it at all.. 

We can't know. We don't know how the killer got in his current predicament? Is it cause he's a bad fighter?
Is it cause Lato is a great fighter?  We don't know, so if someone takes the notion tokill another, it doesn't seem likely he's scared for a sword.


The burial rites are expounded later in the book in more detail.

So? He's not from the same religion, as Lato obviously shows.. so even then, why would he care at all?


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## SVenus (May 26, 2016)

I haven't read it a 100 times  I didn't mean to give the impression that I discarded your critique, so I apologize. I just found what you focused on rather strange and innocuous.

I will concede your point about the poets. Looking at it now I think I should go with another word.

I do think the sea and pond comparison is comprehensive, but fair enough. As for the sword, the barbarian isn't scared of the sword really, but his impending death. I think everyone would be.

There is that "father-denying son" sentence, so Lato thinks that everyone falls under the jurisdiction of his gods, even those who don't believe in them.


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## Ultraroel (May 26, 2016)

Fair enough 

As I said, I'm not used to critiquing and only a beginning writer myself.
I do not wish to push myself forward as all-knowing, or even knowledgeable when it comes to style and grammar etc. 

I just look at the story and see what I find peculiar and point it out. 
No need to take every point into account. 
I just like to think that if I wonder about it, someone else probably will too.

And better to have too much to read, then not to.

I just noticed that I myself overlook things that make sense to me, but not to an oblivious reader.


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## SVenus (May 26, 2016)

Yeah, that's always tricky, when some things seem self apparent to the writer but are quite obtuse to the reader. Hey, you can always use the excuse, "You just don't get it, man!"


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## R.H. Smith (Oct 27, 2016)

Hey SVenus,

I liked very much. Though I have to agree with Ultraroel with what he mentions regarding those specific lines. I had to actually go back and re-read, then stop for a moment and analyze the phrase. This is not bad in and of itself, but it made me leave the story for that time and I got disconnected. I love your descriptions of the settings. If you refined your writing a bit, it would make it pop, as opposed to it being ok  Also, the relationship between brother and sister felt a little disconnected to me. Maybe if you included a small flashback of them doing something together while young would show what I'm talking about (you probably have this in another page or something, and if you do, then disregard. I don't want to ding you for information or lack thereof, just the mechanics of actual writing. Hope this helps!


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## The Fantastical (Nov 13, 2016)

Over all, not bad. There were a few moments where the writing and structure felt rather forced and stilted. Also there were a few puzzling moments, like why was it unwise to speak loudly when they were alone in the woods? It feels like it ought to be important but I am left wondering why?

Also took a few reads to work out that the guy in the beginning was her brother. I am also now left thinking that he is the bad guy. I don't know if this is what you are going for but he seems rather villainous in the firs scene, which I think is why I didn't connect the two scenes together right away. 

I am left with the feeling of something sinister going on and rather on the side of the Barbarians.


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## senecaone (Nov 14, 2016)

quick words of advice from a master:
[h=1]“When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't  mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable.  They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they  are far apart.”      ~Mark Twain[/h]


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## JaneC (Nov 27, 2016)

I thought this was a really good read. I was a bit confused as well about the speaking loudly even though no one was around. I mean, I understand why he would but then you make the comment "which was not wise, in the end. They were, alas, all alone in the dark." That confused me. in the end? Why is that? Does that come back later on? but then why say Alas, all alone in the dark? For me, if you left out one of them it would make the statement stronger, less confusing. But that's just me.

I felt a bit confused with the relationship between brother and sister. I don't have any brothers myself so maybe thats part of it. But the way he looked at her, the way she lit up when she saw him, made me think that there was going to be a romantic type of relationship, but I was a little surprised that they are siblings. I love the care he has for her though.


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