# Ocean Deep



## RC James (Apr 7, 2018)

If the ocean possessed intelligence
your face would be it’s voice,
becalmed, after a rage of storms.

There is no precedent, no follow-up,
there is only you rushing into my head
every second of the day’s every minute.

If given the choice between life raft
and sure drowning, I wouldn’t hesitate
sinking into your depths, swallowing
as much of you as I could hold inside
before joining the glow of phosphorescent
creatures in your deepest regions, below
any understanding driven into me on land.


As translucent filament streaming,
I’d inhabit your inner life, blinking
on and off with my new luminous
identity, reliant on the currents of your
pulsing rhythms, reviving me again and again
with assurances that, here, I can go on into
oblivion, mangled corpse raised in liquid dance,
in this universe beyond winds, in this mystery,
this delight, this darkening of your conceit.

My mannered impostures fall under your gaze,
your constant rippling smile demands surrender
to this gangly, flowing, heaven of liquid night.


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## Charles Darwin (Apr 9, 2018)

I really loved the first half of this poem. But once you go to "I’d own the assurance that whippet-like,", you kind of lost me. It was too many words and hoops to jump through mentally to keep that smooth flow you first had.


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## RC James (Apr 9, 2018)

_It was too many words and hoops to jump through mentally_

Too bad - because the 4th stanza is is the core, the heart of the poem - the full avowal - RC


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## Outsider (Apr 9, 2018)

There is lots to be liked here with the one metaphor you work.  The rhythm of the lines are unfathomable to me, however (the pun is intentional, I'm afraid.)  I suggest that if you now focused on that you might be able to improve it and tighten it up.

For example, the second stanza has a regular meter in each line and seems to work well to me.  And, for example, the first stanza has the opposite effect to me.  I think it would be stronger if you changed the second line slightly, fixed the typo to "its" and dropped the rest of the third line:

"If the ocean possessed intelligence
your lustrous face would be its becalmed voice."

"a rage of storms" is not needed as "becalmed" makes it mostly redundant and it seems one of the least original metaphors you use.  By adding "lustrous" the beat of the two lines is mirrored in a way analogous to the mirroring of the face and the ocean and reflecting (pun intentional) how the calm ocean is a mirror.

Another example: I think you could add to the 4th verse by using meter better.  A thought I had was that you could use alternating lines of 9 and 10 beats to imply the waving back and forth of the currents while being similar enough to make the reading easier and more rhythmic.

There were three images in your poem that struck me as incongruous.  The first is the hypothetical choice between a life raft and drowning.  I don't see that the life raft is at all relevant.  What would the protagonist potentially be saved from? He/she doesn't seem to want to be "saved" from drowning/from his or her face.  I would just drop the life raft image altogether or develop it to make it make more sense.  For example if others had dragged your protagonist into a life raft because they thought to save him from the sea, the protagonist could thank them, explain that it was not what he/she wanted and dive back in and plunge down as deeply as possible.

The other image was the "mangled corpse".  On drowning a person's body is not "mangled".  So how did it get "mangled" here?  and "corpse"?  if the protagonist is speaking to their beloved, how is offering up a "corpse" attractive?  and do you really want to introduce the protagonist's death here (you do it only here) and contradict the surrounding images of how this "drowning" experience would become a "translucent filament" and a "luminous identity".  Would it not be better to say "limbs raising and sinking in liquid dance" for example?

Finally, the word "gangly" in the last line of the poem.  To me it seems, that, if anything the "impostures" in the 3rd to last line are "gangly" rather than the "flowing, heaven of liquid night."

If you revise the poem I'd look forward to reading it again.  Thanks for putting this one out there.


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## RC James (Apr 9, 2018)

After seeing how you have willingly mangled, desecrated, and made maudlin and pedestrian, the 1st stanza, I can't read further on in your uninformed display - Obviously you're not a poet - Good Gawd Awmighty - Save us from the Know Nothingz On The March - RC


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## midnightpoet (Apr 9, 2018)

I liked this, James - and I'm looking at words and phrases that jump out at me like "inner life," sinking into your depths," "pulsing rhythms," and see a sensual dance between two lovers.  Different people can see different things, but even if I'm wrong the overall poem is mysterious and mesmerizing.


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## RC James (Apr 10, 2018)

a sensual dance between two lovers. 

Figuratively, in the imagination, you pretty well pegged it - Thanks - RC


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## grimalkin (Apr 11, 2018)

Nicely executed poem with clever ideas --njoyed


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## Namyh (Apr 11, 2018)

James - I loved the hypnotic flow of your language which only the poet's pen can deliver. It's rhythmic and captures the reader, a feat that's "ocean deep" where those blinking denizens of the heart play. Very nice indeed RCJ. Namyh


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## RC James (May 4, 2018)

Thank you Namyh - Kind words - we all need more of those - very much appreciated - RC


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## Albo Ari (May 7, 2018)

If the ocean possessed intelligence- This will be interesting
your face would be it’s voice,- I just hurt my head
becalmed, after a rage of storms.- Some soothing guidance to the confusion, which is interesting

There is no precedent, no follow-up,
there is only you rushing into my head- Just got romance/crushing taste in my mouth
every second of the day’s every minute. I like the word hurdle

If given the choice between life raft
and sure drowning, I wouldn’t hesitate
sinking into your depths, swallowing
as much of you as I could hold inside -the idea that even death would not push you away from this person is greatly said
before joining the glow of phosphorescent- I am thinking science when I hear that word which I think kinda tips the balance and calmness of the poem
creatures in your deepest regions, below
any understanding driven into me on land. - correct me if I am wrong , is the reason glowing creatures and deepest regions stated to signify her deep rooted flaws which 'glow' and are apparent to you which takes you away from land into the water?


As translucent filament streaming, -invisible salty foam moving?
I’d inhabit your inner life, blinking
on and off with my new luminous
identity, reliant on the currents of your- you will leave her and comeback
pulsing rhythms, reviving me again and again
with assurances that, here, I can go on into- suttleness
oblivion, mangled corpse raised in liquid dance,-0 to 100 real quick
in this universe beyond winds, in this mystery, I think the emotional aspect is here, the wrong wording or even structure makes me feel less creative than you because I am lost
this delight, this darkening of your conceit.

My mannered impostures fall under your gaze,
your constant rippling smile demands surrender- perfect water word , rippling 
to this gangly, flowing, heaven of liquid night.


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## RC James (May 7, 2018)

"suttleness"  - The misspelling characterizes your misunderstanding of the piece

The attitude, mood, intent of the poem is playful, tongue in cheek, and demands suspension of disbelief.

Your reaction is like that of a spinster sitting in a corner avoiding the dance. RC


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## Alicia32 (May 16, 2018)

Good job! I love it!


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## RC James (May 16, 2018)

Thanks Alicia


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## TuesdayEve (May 27, 2018)

I think it’s beautifully tender, rhythmic, and for me, 
the metaphor is clear and easily understood. There was
one word however, that clipped the read and caught my 
breath, gangly. The g-a-n-g sound didn’t flow for me.


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