# Red Hand



## NathanBrazil (Aug 11, 2017)

Small boy plays with truck

in the bath where mother lies.

His red hands stain tiles.





-- This is the first Haiku I've ever posted.  I know there are issues with it, but I just can't work them out.
-- No point in a separate post for such a simple change.


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## sas (Aug 11, 2017)

It would be a senryu, not haiku. A simplistic way to differentiate is that haiku concerns nature; senryu..human nature. I assume this is about suicide. If keep, it should be "red hands"  or "stains".  "s" missing. I'd vote for "stains".  I'll let others address particulars, on this form, which I no longer write because there are too many un-agreed upon rules. Smiles & Best. sas


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## ned (Aug 11, 2017)

hello - no haiku rules from me, other than the syllable count.

Small boy plays with duck - surely in the bath - 
but now we have the mother, the boy and the duck all in the bath...

perhaps end on - red hand staining tiles.

I'm thinking the child is the killer.......very Hitchcockian....
Ned


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## Nellie (Aug 11, 2017)

I agree with sas. This is more of a senryu, not a haiku. Senryu is about HUMAN nature, behavior, etc. 
I think the last line should be "red hands stain tiles".


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## sas (Aug 11, 2017)

Nellie said:


> I agree with sas. This is more of a senryu, not a haiku. Senryu is about HUMAN nature, behavior, etc.
> I think the last line should be "red hands stain tiles".




Nellie:
Are you dropping the "his"? 
If so, then only 4 count.


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## Nellie (Aug 11, 2017)

sas said:


> Nellie:
> Are you dropping the "his"?
> If so, then only 4 count.



oops... sorry, I didn't mean to drop "his".


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 11, 2017)

So just a synopsis.  This was a small poem that I tried to fit into the Haiku form.  The boy is out of the bath playing with a truck and eventually pans to the door which he opens with his red hand.  sas got it right.  It's a suicide.  It originally was just an exercise for someone that had the correct Haiku form, but no heart.  No punch to the gut.  But what better way to learn then just put yourself out there.

It looks like the form I'm really looking for is Senryu, though.  First time hearing about that form.

Thank you all.  Excellent suggestions.  
I also thought of  'Red hand stains the tiles', but I was afraid with so little to go on, some might think it was the mother's hands.


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## sas (Aug 12, 2017)

I like the subtly used to depict suicide with child's red handprint.  Yes, as Nellie suggested, use singular hand print. More impactful image. 

I found I preferred to write senryu. Nature doesn't appeal to me, people do. Look it up, learn about it. I think you did an excellent job of saying without saying. My favorite writing. I look forward to more of your work. Sas


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 12, 2017)

sas - Appreciate that.  I'll definitely look into that.  When I have a bit more time, I'll post an edit.  Maybe after I get back from the beach.


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## Neetu (Feb 2, 2018)

Eerie. To me, the red hands seem to suggest mother's blood. Does the mother commit suicide?


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## NathanBrazil (Feb 2, 2018)

Yes.  I think sas nailed it, and the first time I was introduced to Senryu.

 Just a derail.  I saw that popup in my subscription list and immediately thought that this was a horror short that I'd written years ago.  Totally different title, so not sure how I conflated the two.


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## Firemajic (Feb 5, 2018)

The imagery is like a slap across the face... powerful! I think you did a fabulous job, telling a story with a few words... if you want to read some good examples of haiku poems... check out astroannie's work... anyway... love this, thanks for sharing, it is so cool to see poets trying new forms of expression...


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## NathanBrazil (Feb 5, 2018)

I've got the jones to write more poetry, but not the time.  And I want to heed your advice.  Either all the way in or not at all.  I have to have the time and energy (the right energy - I don't have a word for it, but I certainly know it when I feel it) to write and grind through and work the imagery, until I can write something that relieves that pressure.


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## TL Murphy (Feb 7, 2018)

It's a mistake to call a poem haiku just because it follows a syllable pattern of 5-7-5, which really has little to do with haiku.  That's more of a western construct. But there is nothing wrong with a three line poem.  Read up on haiku before you try to write one.


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## NathanBrazil (Feb 8, 2018)

Thanks for the feedback.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Feb 10, 2018)

Did the child just kill his mom? Damn.


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## NathanBrazil (Feb 10, 2018)

No.  It was a suicide, but someone else read it the same way.


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## Namyh (Feb 12, 2018)

Nathan Brazil - After reading this, my interpretation through me but reading again I began to see it. There is a lot said with this compact piece and I liked it. I will have to try writing it. Thanks for sharing NB. Namyh


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## NathanBrazil (Feb 12, 2018)

Thanks, Naymh.  Though, Murphy's point is well taken.  There's more to haiku and senryu than just the form.


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