# City of Flame



## Greyson (Mar 12, 2016)

*This serves as a bit of an introduction or prologue of sorts to a short story that I have been brewing up for a bit. I wanted to put this out there to see what people thought of it so far and if there were any suggestions people might have. The vagueness I'm sure you will notice is fully intentional, I want to leave a feeling of mystery but let me know if it is *too* confusing or mysterious . 
*
Prologue

With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld. Everything. He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers; out into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away.

_“My god,” _he thought as wonder seized him, “_It’s flawless out here.”_ For a second it seemed as though life froze. Reality bowed away and left only the ethereal view spread before him. Peering into that mist that wisped and wrapped itself like a cloak around the gray crags Mordecai saw the mottled tops of trees, dark in the night, saw an eagle lift into the sky, and followed it across the horizon.

It was so different from the life Mordecai had come from. No cars, no buildings, no people. “_This is what I needed. To get away, to escape the city, the people, my job.” _The eagle now was flying south,towards a strange glow emanating from within the forest.  Puzzled, he left the eagle to arc the sky,focusing on the mysterious blaze.

Mordecai could make out what appeared to be a fire. At first, one. Then three, four, until what had started as a dim murmuring glow grew into a dazzling blaze, bursting from the shadowy depths.

_“There it is.” _The thought erupted into his mind. “_I’m almost there.”_ Nestled within Mother Nature’s bosom, granting eternal light in the endless swaths of darkness, sat his destination. The City of Flame_. “If what they say is true, that’s where I’ll find it. Somewhere in that light lies my destiny.” _He shivered, despite the night being quiet warm, as he beheld the beauty before him.  

A cricket chirped and the spell was broken, wrestling him back into reality. The lethargy which had held him still suddenly vanished and he was filled with an insatiable urge to push forward, to pierce the veil before him. He blinked, and in that second,the world began to move once more, life breathing back into the world around him.

_“Tomorrow. I’ll find it tomorrow for sure.” _He felt the anticipation swelling within him_. _And then he slept.


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## loulou59loujodry (Mar 13, 2016)

I like this piece a lot.  It was intriguing and not confusing at all.  It does set up a sense of mystery.  I like your writing style too.

Well done!  keep it up!

loulou59


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## Buya (Mar 13, 2016)

It's interesting, however I'm wondering who the character is. I'd like some specifications.


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## beatrice-cenci (Mar 23, 2016)

This is really nicely written! I found it flowed well and kept me interested throughout. I agree with what Buya said. I would like to know more about the character but if the mystery is what you intended then that works. 

Keep it up!


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## Smith (Mar 24, 2016)

Greyson said:


> With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld. Everything. He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers; out into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away.



What you could try, is



Greyson said:


> With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld.
> 
> Everything.
> 
> He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the distant protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers; outup into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away.



You get more punch out of that word, "Everything." by really setting it aside, alone on its own line.

The last part, where I struck out words and in some spots put in new ones, is more of a suggestion. It really depends on the ideas you're trying to implant in the reader's mind. You see, "across to" gives me the impression that these might just be two mountain peaks that are secluded to a small part of the whole view. If you were using "across to" just to try and convey distance (as in, these mountains are on the opposite side of the valleys), I think actually using the word "distant" in describing the mountains would work better. "across the distant protruding peaks" gives me an impression of scanning an impressive backdrop; an entire mountain range forming a background to these "mist cloaked valleys". Again though, it depends on what you were trying to say.

Hopefully that didn't confuse you. Only trying to show how a couple word choices can completely change how a reader might imagine this in their head. More than likely, you truly said exactly what you meant to say.



Greyson said:


> _“My god,” _he thought as wonder seized him, “_It’s flawless out here.”_ For a second it seemed as though life froze. Reality bowed away and left only the ethereal view spread before him. Peering into that mist that wisped and wrapped itself like a cloak around the gray crags Mordecai saw the mottled tops of trees, dark in the night, saw an eagle lift into the sky, and followed it across the horizon.



I understand that "for a second" isn't literal, but more in terms of an expression. Still, Mordecai is _taking it all in_. It sounds like he's just made some tremendous climb to reach the top of this ridge. And this view sounds so amazingly stunning that it wouldn't take a few seconds but perhaps a couple minutes.

Not saying it isn't possible, because if it's a very clear night and the moon is full you can see fairly well, but seeing an eagle and following it across the horizon seems very difficult, almost too difficult, as "horizon" in my mind implies a fairly significant distance. Even if you could see the bird, it seems unlikely you could identify it. Maybe the eagle starts much closer to Mordecai, perhaps on the ridge with him, and his presence has disturbed it. The eagle takes off and he watches it "float toward a mysterious glow" (which in turn would continue very nicely into the next bit).



Greyson said:


> It was so different from the life Mordecai had come from. No cars, no buildings, no people. “_This is what I needed. To get away, to escape the city, the people, my job.” _The eagle now was flying south,towards a strange glow emanating from within the forest. Puzzled, he left the eagle to arc the sky,focusing on the mysterious blaze.
> 
> Mordecai could make out what appeared to be a fire. At first, one. Then three, four, until what had started as a dim murmuring glow grew into a dazzling blaze, bursting from the shadowy depths.



This story is really ringing bells of "Secret Life of Walter Mitty" haha. Never saw the actual movie, but it reminds me of the trailer.

Anyway, I like that you give us a simple direction, south. Even if it doesn't particularly mean anything special, what it _does _achieve is cementing our place in the world. Gives us some bearing.

Mordecai's thoughts repeat exactly what the narrator told us before hand. You can honestly scrap the part I struck out and just tell us what he's thinking.

Could just be me, but I think calling it a "mysterious blaze" before saying "Mordecai made out what *appeared to be* a fire" is a sort of continuity error. Is it a fire, or is it not?

Suggestion: "The eagle flew off to the south, towards a strange, flickering glow emanating from the forest. Puzzled, he moved along the ridge to get a better view, until he could see fire. Then he realized it was not one blaze, but several, bursting from the ground."

This way, the reader can assume the "flickering glow" is a fire before Mordecai himself comes to the same conclusion by moving to get a better look.



Greyson said:


> _“There it is.” _The thought erupted into his mind. “_I’m almost there.”_ Nestled within Mother Nature’s bosom, granting eternal light in the endless swaths of darkness, sat his destination. The City of Flame_. “If what they say is true, that’s where I’ll find it. Somewhere in that light lies my destiny.” _He shivered, despite the night being quiet warm, as he beheld the beauty before him.
> 
> A cricket chirped and the spell was broken, wrestling him back into reality. The lethargy which had held him still suddenly vanished and he was filled with an insatiable urge to push forward, to pierce the veil before him. He blinked, and in that second,the world began to move once more, life breathing back into the world around him.
> 
> _“Tomorrow. I’ll find it tomorrow for sure.” _He felt the anticipation swelling within him_. _And then he slept.



Sometimes you would be better off using fewer words. "He blinked, and the world began moving and breathing, alive once more."

You can have a lengthy sentence without being wordy.

---

Nitpicking aside, I enjoy what you've created with the prologue! You've intrigued me with wondering how Mordecai got there from the city, where exactly is he, why, and what is the City of Flame. Hell? Hades' Party Store?

There's nothing wrong with mystery, if you remember the golden rule, which is to fulfill the promises you make to the reader.


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## Greyson (Mar 24, 2016)

This is why I need people who like to nitpick though, a lot of what you said are things I would have ended up changing to eventually, but I can never re-read what I wrote until -- at the earliest -- a day later. This, as I'm sure you can guess, makes the editing process preeeeeeeeeeetty slow. Thank you for all that feedback, it's by far more than I expected and pretty damn helpful in defining a better voice for both myself as the narrator and also for my character.


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## Smith (Mar 24, 2016)

Greyson said:


> This is why I need people who like to nitpick though, a lot of what you said are things I would have ended up changing to eventually, but I can never re-read what I wrote until -- at the earliest -- a day later. This, as I'm sure you can guess, makes the editing process preeeeeeeeeeetty slow. Thank you for all that feedback, it's by far more than I expected and pretty damn helpful in defining a better voice for both myself as the narrator and also for my character.



I know what you mean. Sometimes I have to forget about it and step back for even a few days, just so that when I come back to it, I'm coming at it from the fresh perspective of a reader.

Believe me, if you think that's slow, the habit I'm slowly breaking is much worse: revising while writing.

In other words, trying to write it perfect the first time. Yeah, I seem to do much better if I write through it first, _then _go back through it.


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## Greyson (Mar 24, 2016)

> I know what you mean. Sometimes I have to forget about it and step back for even a few days, just so that when I come back to it, I'm coming at it from the fresh perspective of a reader.
> 
> Believe me, if you think that's slow, the habit I'm slowly breaking is much worse: revising while writing.
> 
> ...


Heh...yeah. I do that too...cause if it's not written down in a way that creates the image in my head spelled out on the page then it's not good enough and I have to restart. Which makes writing full stories a whole damn bundle of fun when you re-write the first chapter so many times to get it just right that you forget what your direction was. 

That's why I keep a journal now, it makes it so that if I have an idea for a direction or I see an image in my head, I write it down quickly and crudely. Then, when I have my computer at hand, I rewrite and rework, but since the ideas are out of my head and somewhere tangible it makes the effort much less...strenuous.


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## ShadowEyes (Apr 5, 2016)

Greyson said:


> Prologue
> 
> With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld. Everything. He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers; An odd word choice. Clarity in the beginning is more necessary than poetics. out into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away. Another problem is that it portrays too much at once. Without background build-up (our questioning "What's the vantage from the mountaintop?") we can't fully appreciate the pay-off.
> 
> ...



There seem to be two conflicts here:  internal and external. The internal is his desire to leave his old life behind. The external is the atmosphere preventing him from moving forward. It's been a while, but I believe those are the right classifications. Which would make it, as I can surmise, a character-atmospheric story. This involves lush details of a man vs. nature conflict also coinciding with a man vs. himself conflict. (If that's what the wonder and awe he expresses means.) If you use this combination, make sure to let us know his motivation (anger, guilt, or whatever) and the forest's reputation.

For an example of an atmospheric story, look up The Lagoon by Conrad.

Anyway, I like it. I'm interested in the forest.


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## FatCat (Apr 5, 2016)

Good start. Does a good job hooking the reader, but as stated before some things require clarity, and I feel like there are opportunities for better word choices. I'd still definitely read this if you were to continue.


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## Greyson (Apr 5, 2016)

ShadowEyes said:


> There seem to be two conflicts here:  internal and external. The internal is his desire to leave his old life behind. The external is the atmosphere preventing him from moving forward. It's been a while, but I believe those are the right classifications. Which would make it, as I can surmise, a character-atmospheric story. This involves lush details of a man vs. nature conflict also coinciding with a man vs. himself conflict. (If that's what the wonder and awe he expresses means.) If you use this combination, make sure to let us know his motivation (anger, guilt, or whatever) and the forest's reputation.
> 
> For an example of an atmospheric story, look up The Lagoon by Conrad.
> 
> Anyway, I like it. I'm interested in the forest.



Way to have it pegged, apt analysis to say the very least. I don't want to reveal where I plan to go with the story fully (not because I don't trust you, but mostly because it's still unwinding itself in my head as I type this) but what the main gist is going to be is finding a persons self in solitude, and defining what the difference between solitude and isolation is. The ideas will follow Mordecai as he basically tumbles into isolation while searching for himself, and will try to explore how depressive thoughts and actions coupled with an unsatisfying and cripplingly boring life impact a person and their journey. 

I'd love to talk with you on the direction in more depth if you ever would like to. Just message me, it helps me to get some of the ideas crowding my head out to others for review


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## CJL4307 (Apr 18, 2016)

Prologue

With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld. Everything. He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers; out into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away.

_“My god,” _he thought as wonder seized him, “_It’s flawless out here.”_ For a second it seemed as though life froze. Reality bowed away and left only the ethereal view spread before him. 





> Peering into that mist that wisped and wrapped itself like a cloak around the gray crags Mordecai saw the mottled tops of trees, dark in the night, saw an eagle lift into the sky, and followed it across the horizon.



Perhaps a little bit of a run on sentence, I'm sure that you could find a way to make it flow better. Perhaps you could find a way to split this up.Whenever I'm writing I have this terrible tendency to overuse words especially in close proximity. An example of this would be when you say "Peering into that mist that wisped and wrapped" If I were to offer my suggestion it would be to replace the first use of the word "that" with "a" reading, "Peering into a mist that wisped and wrapped" 

Not completely necessary but there are other places where this same idea can be applied. Sometimes a simple change in one word or phrase can make all the difference.

It was so different from the life Mordecai had come from. No cars, no buildings, no people. “_This is what I needed. To get away, to escape the city, the people, my job.” _The eagle now was flying south,towards a strange glow emanating from within the forest.  Puzzled, he left the eagle to arc the sky,focusing on the mysterious blaze.

Mordecai could make out what appeared to be a fire. At first, one. Then three, four, until what had started as a dim murmuring glow grew into a dazzling blaze, bursting from the shadowy depths.

_“There it is.” _The thought erupted into his mind. “_I’m almost there.”_ Nestled within Mother Nature’s bosom, granting eternal light in the endless swaths of darkness, sat his destination. The City of Flame_. “If what they say is true, that’s where I’ll find it. Somewhere in that light lies my destiny.” _He shivered, despite the night being quiet warm, as he beheld the beauty before him.  

A cricket chirped and the spell was broken, wrestling him back into reality. The lethargy which had held him still suddenly vanished and he was filled with an insatiable urge to push forward, to pierce the veil before him. He blinked, and in that second,the world began to move once more, life breathing back into the world around him.

_“Tomorrow. I’ll find it tomorrow for sure.” _He felt the anticipation swelling within him_. _And then he slept.[/QUOTE]


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## Kadrek (May 15, 2016)

I agree with the others. I can't wait to read what comes next.
But unlike the others, I don't mind that you're not giving detail on the character and setting. It allows our imaginations to flow and fill the blanks you've left. This gives a mystery that was hope to read about later and the writing style itself is enough to want to keep reading.


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## Randy_Mordoc (May 16, 2016)

Hi Greyson.

I think this piece had good description in it. However, I found it a little too mysterious, to the point where I don't know what I was reading anymore. I found myself wanting to know more about the setting.


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## Scrivener123 (May 20, 2016)

I like the setup, and I like the mystery. My comments are minor and stylistic in nature. 

_“My god,” he thought as wonder seized him, “It’s flawless out here.” 

I think instead of "flawless out here" you could chop off the "out here" and end with an exclamation point. I think that may help to convey a greater sense of wonder: "My god," he thought in wonder, "it's flawless!" or "My god," he thought, overcome with ( a sense of) wonder, "it's flawless!"

Where you have "__For a second it seemed as though life froze." you might try "For a second, it seemed as if life itself had frozen."

__Also, adding the word had to this sentence: "__Reality had bowed away and left only the ethereal view spread before him."
__
In any case, this is all a matter of style. I just want the sense of wonder you are trying to convey to come across in the best way possible to the reader. All the best!_


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## Duanesb (Jun 1, 2016)

Nice piece - it's a good intro and I'd definitely keep reading.  Of  course some word choices could be better and stuff, but that's what  editing is for right?  lol  As far as a first draft goes, I think it was  pretty good and if it was one of my writings I'd be happy with where I  stood at this point.


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## DruidPeter (Jun 2, 2016)

Hello, Greyson! My comments are in red.

* * *
Prologue

With one final grunt Mordecai crested the ridge, only to have his breath knocked back out of him by what he beheld. (Hmm... this seems kind of gimmicky. I feel like you wanted the reader to initially think that Mordecai was actually knocked back *by* something, only to reveal that it was simply the scenery. I wouldn't mind so much if there were previous paragraphs showing that Mordecai actually was having difficulty clearing the ledge, but as the start of any sort of lengthy work in itself, it seems out of place.) Everything. He looked down upon the mist cloaked valleys, across to the protruding peaks of his mountain's brothers (Mountain's brothers? Brother's Mountains?); out into an endlessly deep night sky, stars winking at him from far away. Absolutely stunning image. I love it.

_“My god,” _he thought as wonder seized him, “_It’s flawless out here.”_ For a second it seemed as though life froze. (It's unclear here whether life "freezing" is an actual part of the story, or is merely used for sake of illustrating the environment. If it's the former, then I think you need to emphasize it more. If it's the latter, you can probably leave it as is or remove it without much harm to the narrative) Reality bowed away and left only the ethereal view spread before him. Peering into that mist that wisped and wrapped itself like a cloak around the gray crags Mordecai saw the mottled tops of trees, dark in the night, saw an eagle lift into the sky, and followed it across the horizon. You have a way with description.

It was so different from the life Mordecai had come from. No cars, no buildings, no people. “_This is what I needed. To get away, to escape the city, the people, my job.”   _Aha! So we *are* in the modern era! The eagle now was flying south,towards a strange glow emanating from within the forest.  Puzzled, he left the eagle to arc the sky,focusing on the mysterious blaze.

Mordecai could make out what appeared to be a fire. At first, one. Then three, four, until what had started as a dim murmuring glow grew into a dazzling blaze, bursting from the shadowy depths. I like this paragraph, but I feel it's perhaps not developed enough to justify standing on its own. Perhaps work in a bit of the following paragraph into this one? You could also take more time in describing the transition from one to multiple fires. A lot of your paragraphs are like this: They are very precise in their imagery, but I want them to be more developed.

_“There it is.” _The thought erupted into his mind. “_I’m almost there.”_ Nestled within Mother Nature’s bosom, granting eternal light in the endless swaths of darkness, sat his destination. The City of Flame_. “If what they say is true, that’s where I’ll find it. Somewhere in that light lies my destiny.”  _(Whaat?! So we DO have some fantastic elements after all?) He shivered, despite the night being quiet warm, as he beheld the beauty before him.  

A cricket chirped and the spell was broken, wrestling him back into reality. The lethargy which had held him still suddenly vanished and he was filled with an insatiable urge to push forward, to pierce the veil before him. He blinked, and in that second,the world began to move once more, life breathing back into the world around him. Where are we *actually* at the end of this paragraph? Was only the city of flames an illusion? Or was it the entire scene of him being out in the woods that was an illusion, and thus Mordecai is actually in an office, or something?

_“Tomorrow. I’ll find it tomorrow for sure.” _He felt the anticipation swelling within him_. _And then he slept. This may have been unintentional, but the juxtaposition between a long and weighty proclamation like "Tomorrow. I'll find it tomorrow for sure." with "And then he slept" almost strikes a comedic tone, though I don't think that's what you were going for. Again, I feel like this paragraph can be elaborated greatly. As far as pacing, though, you're prose is very precise and on point.

*General Remarks*


Your prose is very sharp and on point. You place the right images in the right places to get your message across efficiently and effectively. The problem is it's too efficient. Once you establish your base message, we're already moving on to the next part of the scene without getting too much time to enjoy it as readers, and I think a large part of this is that you're weak with your transitions.

You said that you were leaving things intentionally "vague", but there wasn't anything in this that I would recognize as such. Actually, I'd say you were very crisp and clear in establishing what this story is about. Take the mention of the "city of flame". Most readers reading this are going to have sufficient experience with a line like "Somewhere in that light lies my destiny" to be completely unfazed by it, and are going to assume all the usual tropes that accompany hybrid modern/fantasy works.

What I *do* see, however, is a lack of well developed transitions. It's almost like, in an attempt to maintain the aura of "mystery" about the story, you've cut short on transitional paragraphs and justified doing so by saying something like, "The reader is supposed to be a little confused at this point". The thing, however, is that being mysterious doesn't mean jerking the reader about on technical craft materials. Even when the reader is supposed to be confused, they should have no trouble understanding just what they are confused *about*.

A good example would be the mention of the "city of flames", and the very fast(almost nonexistent) transition you make from that paragraph to "wrestling him back into reality". A proper way to make things mysterious would be to never mention the "City of Flame" at all, but simply leave us, the readers, wondering why this man is so entranced by these flames deep in the woods.

Likewise, creating a slower and more easily followed transition from the flames to wherever "reality" is allows us to marvel and wonder at what just happened, without suffering from whiplash and crying out, "What the heck (literally) just happened?". It is quite interesting, then, that being mysterious requires a great deal of clarity. 

I encourage you continue on with this, by the way. It certainly interesting enough for me to want to keep reading, at least for the moment.


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## Greyson (Jun 4, 2016)

DruidPeter said:


> Hello, Greyson! My comments are in red.
> 
> * * *
> Prologue
> ...



Thanks for reading and taking the time to do all that, wow! 

I want to clarify that this was originally the beginning of a larger work, but as of late I have developed the story to start at a very different place, this is closer to the middle of the story where some things have been explained or clarified already. I do agree that this is lacking in a lot of ways, specifically as you were saying, in transitions. When I wrote this I was stuck into some Emerson, so I was trying to emulate his brevity, though I didn't do a good enough job I feel and it is very counter to how I typically write! 

As I said though, I've been working more on this in general, and I plan to be typing it up and posting it soon into the area that doesn't count as being published (I believe it's called the workshop?). I'm glad you enjoyed it though, and what you said about lacking really strikes an accord to me I feel....I definitely will be reworking this part when I return to it in the story and taking what you said seriously into account.


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