# Perhaps my horse doth cough too much



## Divus (Jun 7, 2012)

It has been a week or two so since I sat and wrote something for the forum.   The reason behind my lapse of creative inspiration is that my horse has died.    Or rather was; ‘put to sleep’  or maybe: ‘euthanized’ or perhaps more figuratively: ‘put down’.       Which ever way I describe the event, the fact is that she is now a small pile of ashes in a crematorium.    My beautiful dapple grey, Irish Draught X Connemara   mare lives no longer and I am only just now getting used to the idea that she breathes no more.

For much of the last few weeks I have had to be careful with whom I speak and what I speak about.

If I am not careful, the person to whom I am talking, be it friend, neighbour, acquaintance or even fellow horse lover will ask about how she is doing.   And of course I have to tell them that she is dead.  In fact that has been the only way I could cope before bursting into tears     They would then look at me and come over all embarrassed.    Retired Old Men of seventy three years of age  aren’t supposed to cry.    That is a thing for young women or children to do.    The fact that my voice would break, my chin would pucker up and the tears would start to roll down my face somehow was incongruous.     However the death of a horse is to a horse lover, a very emotional event.        The need to give permission for an animal to be put down is a heavy responsibility. There was no choice, by the time I had to finally make the decision, one which at long last the vet had also reached,  my pretty horse was breathing at the rate of fifty breaths per minute, occasionally rising to the rate of sixty or more breaths.

Try it for yourself.   You will notice that really you  need as an aid  a gas bottle to suck some oxygen rich air.     Moreover your chest will quickly start to ache and no doubt your heart rate will also have speeded up.   Feeling short of breath is not a pleasant experience.

If I stood alongside her and fed her juicy pears and treats and then afterwards took her in hand along the verges so that she could nibble on fresh green grass then she would relax and her breathing would slow.     But the slightest noise or activity around her would bring on the coughing and inevitably  the heavy breathing.        No doubt she also picked up on my distress because, as an Old Man, I also wheeze a bit.   Maybe she thought it was she taking me for a walk to calm me down.

The horse hospital who had investigated her health issues offers a full service,     I could say my ‘Good byes’ and leave her in a stable with hay and water.    I would not have to take her into an execution room and hold her  whilst she was injected  with the  powerful anaesthetic which would kill her.   I would not have to be careful of standing too close whilst  550 kilos of inert  horseflesh slumped to the floor with a thud.       Although the cost was that she, bless her, would have to face her fate without the  comforting  reassurance of my  presence.   I felt guilty about leaving her but I hoped she would understand.    I did not want my last memory of her to be her death.    I hope she would have understood that any memory of her last gasp would stay with me for the rest of my life.  I wanted that last memory to be of the good times which we had spent together.         She seemed to know something was amiss but  at the end of our good byes she had herself turned away to take a drink of water and to munch at the hay bale suspended in the corner of  her stable.    It only remained for me to  turn and walk away without looking back.   

At the time I could not talk to anybody.  Physically it was impossible for me to form the words and make the sounds.       I stayed in that dumb state as we drove directly back home.    I could not return to her  stable and clear up.       Her things  would be have to be collected in the days to come.

For a week afterwards the strong emotions persisted in me.   I had to make a few phone calls about her and the making proved to be very difficult.   Even though the people I had  need to call were mostly strangers,  I could not speak to them without  impassion              Somehow now I have to learn to remove my mare from the present and insert her into the back  of  my mind as a fond memory of the past.   She may well meet up with the other horses who have come my way and who have  themselves already moved on to pastures in the sky.   

The strange thing I am well aware of is that the death of one of my horses, or dogs, impacts upon me to a far greater extent than has the death of any human I have known to date.     Luckily in my life so far, I have not had to attend many funerals for humans but already funerals for five horses have been too many.


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## tinacrabapple (Jun 7, 2012)

This was heart wrenching to read.  I do understand the devastation an animal lover feels towards their pet when it is suffering.  Sometimes they are more than animals, but loyal and loving companions.  Sir, this was written with great respect and dignity.  I enjoyed reading this.


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## Winston (Jun 8, 2012)

I've thought about you a few times after your last post.  I was hoping that you were doing well.  I'm sad to hear that you are not.  But I understand.

We all handle loss in our own unique way.  As I said previously, she was fortunate to have known you, and you her.  That bears repeating. Despite the pain you feel now, you are a better man after sharing your life with her. And based on the compassion and empathy you have demonstrated, I'm sure her life was full and rich. 

I'm glad that you came back and shared with us. Take care of yourself.


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## Divus (Jun 8, 2012)

TCA & Wn      ----         Thank you for your kind words ladies.   Much appreciated.

Writing is proving to be a valuable part of the grieving process for me.    I usually post any horsey stories I write elsewhere but this one I felt to be appropriate for WF.com.
The emotion of grief is very powerful and as I grow older I am only just finding out how powerful.


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## xlwoo (Jun 8, 2012)

I always think that pets are more reliable than friends or partners.  They never betray you any time.

the speeling of _doeth_ should be *doth*.


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## Divus (Jun 8, 2012)

Xlwoo - doeth v doth - yes Ok it was either a finger mistake or a spelling mistake but once made - how do I correct it?
I have always known that it looked wrong.

Dv


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## tonita (Jul 4, 2012)

Divus, I am so sorry for your loss.  I too know this pain.  I lost my beloved appaloosa many years ago for reasons I will get into some other time.  I think we all have known the pain of losing a beloved pet.  I've lost dogs and cats for one medical reason or another, but when it came time to make the decision to euthanize my horse, I didn't think I would be able to get through it.  With a horse, the _right_ horse, you almost become one.  You know and trust each other.  Then, you feel like you are betraying that very trust when you have to make the ultimate decision. This happened more than ten years ago, but it is always with me.  Yes, I know this pain all too well.


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## Gumby (Jul 4, 2012)

There are no words, Divus. My thoughts are with you.


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## Divus (Jul 5, 2012)

This was her, shortly before she made her exit from this world


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## tonita (Jul 5, 2012)

Too sad for words.


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## Gumby (Jul 5, 2012)

She was beautiful, Divus.


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## Divus (Jul 16, 2012)

Folks, at long last the impact of my horse's passing away is beginning to ease.     At least now I can talk about her now without bursting into tears.       
Her stable still stands empty but I have no plans to fill it - even though there are nowadays lots of horses out there in the market place 
who have become the victims of the recession.    Even valuable horses are being sold for meat money by owners who no longer
have the money to support the cost of keeping a horse.

The grief I felt over the death of my mare  has been soul destroying.     I suddenly found it difficult to swallow the capsules I must take 
each day  to cope with an old man's prostate problem.      Eventually after an endoscope and a barium swallow, I was told by a throat 
specialist that the most likely cause of the swallowing difficulty was associated with a previously undiagnosed hiatus hernia and 'nervous stress'.     
The reason for my difficulty in sleeping has yet to be found.

Today the insurance company phoned to talk about the insured value of my horse for loss of use.       It seems as though they
might pay me the full insured value.       The strange thing is that I feel no joy in that form of monetary compensation for the 
loss of her company.

I still wish  my horse was alive to play with.      Her value is of no consequence even to pay for  a replacement.
Anyway it would not be easy to find a horse quite like her.      She was indeed a rare creature.      I miss her.


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