# Stand Down Jeremy Corbyn  Poem by Nathan Sturley!!!



## nathan sturley (Jun 30, 2016)

Brexit makes us free again
To make our own laws and say who and when
One man is dragging his principled heels
The Labour leader that no Labour MP Feels
I'VE GOT TO SAY IT THROUGH MY TROUBLED WOE
FOR GOD'S SAKE CORBYN GO MAN GO!


The race is on to make Britain free
The facts that remainers do not see
They call us brexit leavers little englander's to a man
i say let British people steer the British van


Jeremy Wont resign the students love him so
Protesting is one thing but IT'S POLITICS MAN ......GO MAN GO!




What is so wrong you're a niche man with morals 
yes you are REALLY KIND i add to your laurels

I like dogs and help animal charities although
I couldn't be the RSPCA's Cheif and CEO
Your not a leader with leadership zeal
You a protester who helped South Africa heal


For the sake of the honest working man and femme
Get your head straight you're gone it's just ......when


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## aj47 (Jun 30, 2016)

The lack of punctuation, the capitalization of every line, and the use of capitals for emphasis rather than bold or italics ... all make this a difficult read. When I try to read this aloud, it doesn't cadence well, either.  I applaud your rhymes (except you gave out/up with *morals *and *kind*​), but without a good rhythm, they seem rather lost in the muddle.

I like your passion.  I think you should definitely work on this, as it has potential.


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## Firemajic (Jul 1, 2016)

Lets not forget that this is the poetry thread...


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## escorial (Jul 1, 2016)

i assume this is your own personal thoughts put into poetry....which is great...i would try and make it a little less about you and add a bit more perspective on many of the subjects raised...you can't beat passion in writing man..cool


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## nathan sturley (Jul 1, 2016)

escorial said:


> i assume this is your own personal thoughts put into poetry....which is great...i would try and make it a little less about you and add a bit more perspective on many of the subjects raised...you can't beat passion in writing man..cool


Thanks man all who added to it. To be honest i usually just write it as i type. If i think about things for more then 10 seconds I get bored with it. On occassions when I do think longer I usually just ponce it up I feel mind flow is the way. I would need someone else to really make stuff sound.
I just think of it and type it. If i have to think i start thinking "oh i cant be bothered. man i want a cup of tea, where are the cookies etc etc and i dont do it. I live by what is in my head there and then. If I only have my phone it is so slow so i dont bother as the idea appears in my mind and is gone a few seconds later.
I like to just get an idea and type it in a few seconds hence the bad grammar and lack of attention to spelling etc.
I prefer it that way as it suits my minds flow. I lose an idea as fast as i get one. I have thought of songs and stories at random times and forget them as quickly. The only thing I would think longer about is my short stories and even then i find i prefer to just flow and when i start to analyse it i get bored and lose interest.
hence why i admire and respect critiques as otherwise i would lose the plot................again!


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## Firemajic (Jul 2, 2016)

nathan sturley said:


> Thanks man all who added to it. To be honest i usually just write it as i type. If i think about things for more then 10 seconds I get bored with it. On occassions when I do think longer I usually just ponce it up I feel mind flow is the way. I would need someone else to really make stuff sound.
> I just think of it and type it. If i have to think i start thinking "oh i cant be bothered. man i want a cup of tea, where are the cookies etc etc and i dont do it. I live by what is in my head there and then. If I only have my phone it is so slow so i dont bother as the idea appears in my mind and is gone a few seconds later.
> I like to just get an idea and type it in a few seconds hence the bad grammar and lack of attention to spelling etc.
> I prefer it that way as it suits my minds flow. I lose an idea as fast as i get one. I have thought of songs and stories at random times and forget them as quickly. The only thing I would think longer about is my short stories and even then i find i prefer to just flow and when i start to analyse it i get bored and lose interest.
> hence why i admire and respect critiques as otherwise i would lose the plot................again!





Hummmm, well I am disappointed with your attitude... If you don't take your writing serious, and if you get bored and lose interest in your writing, and if you throw poorly constructed poem out there to have everyone ELSE "FIX" it, what does that say about you as a writer? What does that tell me about your work... Nathan, I want you to focus! Present your very best work for critique...


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## Gumby (Jul 2, 2016)

Your method of writing is a good first draft effort. Well done! Get it all out there, as it comes to you before you lose the train of thought. Then when you've said what you want to say, go back and refine it, as a poem. Here are some good first questions you can ask yourself when you start to edit.

Do you want it to rhyme? And if so, can you improve on those rhymes?
Does it flow with a cadence, almost musical feel? Can you read it out loud and feel the rhythm of language?
Are your word choices the best for what you want to say or can you improve and make stronger choices here and there?

I see where you have made one edit on this piece, which leads me to think that you are more interested in improving it than you may believe. It is passionate and you've resisted the urge to stray into bashing territory, which is a good start for a political piece.


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## escorial (Jul 2, 2016)

nathan sturley said:


> Thanks man all who added to it. To be honest i usually just write it as i type. If i think about things for more then 10 seconds I get bored with it. On occassions when I do think longer I usually just ponce it up I feel mind flow is the way. I would need someone else to really make stuff sound.
> I just think of it and type it. If i have to think i start thinking "oh i cant be bothered. man i want a cup of tea, where are the cookies etc etc and i dont do it. I live by what is in my head there and then. If I only have my phone it is so slow so i dont bother as the idea appears in my mind and is gone a few seconds later.
> I like to just get an idea and type it in a few seconds hence the bad grammar and lack of attention to spelling etc.
> I prefer it that way as it suits my minds flow. I lose an idea as fast as i get one. I have thought of songs and stories at random times and forget them as quickly. The only thing I would think longer about is my short stories and even then i find i prefer to just flow and when i start to analyse it i get bored and lose interest.
> hence why i admire and respect critiques as otherwise i would lose the plot................again!



i myself have always been keen on first drafts in all writing and enjoy the raw emotion/experience that is written.....you can go back and change,chop but the initial draft i find is often the best one overall.....so i kind of get were your coming from and like it.....i would however read and use some replies and comments to help you improve because you can never stop learning about any subject out there..well done dude.


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## nathan sturley (Jul 3, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Hummmm, well I am disappointed with your attitude... If you don't take your writing serious, and if you get bored and lose interest in your writing, and if you throw poorly constructed poem out there to have everyone ELSE "FIX" it, what does that say about you as a writer? What does that tell me about your work... Nathan, I want you to focus! Present your very best work for critique...


sorry about my attitude it is just i rarely improve things after my initial idea. Things just come to me. That is why I dont write all the time i only get the urge when something inspires me and comes to me. Maybe it is years of lsd use back then but my mind is not practical I dont drive as my mind wonders and my unconscious sometimes just brings some idea to the forefront of my mind and at these times i type it. It is just how I am my mind is always working on many levels but not a practical level. I am spontaneous and even jokes i make sometimes I dont even know the punchline till i say it. like i start a song and dont know what is coming next till i sing it. I think my relationship with my unconcious mind is very different to the norm hence why i dont drive as it is too practical. It is like i get told things to the front of my mind and if it is good i write it down. It is a form of mental illness and many times my mind torments me. I am currently learning to think positive at times of great anger or stress as i have always gone to extreme anger and sadness when bad things happen and it is at these exact times that i need to overcome the sadness and raise my thinking. I am trying to explain to you that although I said I wrote it off the cuff inside my mind I edited it and rethought lines and all that only i did it quickly in my unconscious mind as the unconscious works very quickly.
What I am trying to say is even if i thought all day I probably wouldn't improve my poem as it is that spark that leads me to jot it down.
thanks for giving your time to read even that means a lot to me. I will try to plan more in future


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## Firemajic (Jul 3, 2016)

Ahhh... I see, you have that internal chaos going on, a lot of us do, including me... like a creative storm...  Thank you so much for being honest, I respect that... I hope you keep on writing, and expressing yourself through your unique poetry, and if I can help, my Mentoring door is always open to you...


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## nathan sturley (Jul 3, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Ahhh... I see, you have that internal chaos going on, a lot of us do, including me... like a creative storm...  Thank you so much for being honest, I respect that... I hope you keep on writing, and expressing yourself through your unique poetry, and if I can help, my Mentoring door is always open to you...


Thank you so very much.


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## Phil Istine (Jul 3, 2016)

I think it's a great pity that you are choosing not to edit this piece.  I have followed the debates and arguments on these issues, and you do present some of them in an understandable manner - particularly in paraphrasing the cry of 'Go!' concerning Corbyn.
Still, it's your poem and any changes, or not, are always poet's choice.
A question:  Was it intentional or a typo when you used the phrase " ... little englanders ... " with lower case 'e' on england (to emphasise the little?).  If it was intended I think it's a good idea, but as there appear to be other typos, I'm guessing that this might just be another.


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## nathan sturley (Jul 3, 2016)

Phil Istine said:


> I think it's a great pity that you are choosing not to edit this piece.  I have followed the debates and arguments on these issues, and you do present some of them in an understandable manner - particularly in paraphrasing the cry of 'Go!' concerning Corbyn.
> Still, it's your poem and any changes, or not, are always poet's choice.
> A question:  Was it intentional or a typo when you used the phrase " ... little englanders ... " with lower case 'e' on england (to emphasise the little?).  If it was intended I think it's a good idea, but as there appear to be other typos, I'm guessing that this might just be another.


No it WAS a typo! 
I can tidy it up and improve it like you all said and to my credit i am open to advice as life has taught me i have been wrong about most things and learn as i go
I write stuff that two weeks later is irrelavant like newspapers do hence why i dont watch it too carefully.  To me it is like telling a joke and people laughing then telling it again it aint funny then.  But i am working on a short story which i go much slower with and revise this poem is too today next week irrelant. I didn't mean englanders but now it does seem better.  My view was to leave as men and women died for our democracy and we need the power of the ballot box every country does.  That was my reason. 
Thanks for taking your own time to write to me i will post some more literally skilled passages soon that i think about more as opposed to current affairs poems
Thanks again for your time and advice


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## kaminoshiyo (Jul 3, 2016)

nathan sturley said:


> Brexit makes us free again
> To make our own laws and say who and when
> One man is dragging his principled heels
> The Labour leader that no Labour MP Feels
> ...



 Is Britain "free", or did it simply leave the EU?

Food for thought...


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## nathan sturley (Jul 4, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> Is Britain "free", or did it simply leave the EU?
> 
> Food for thought...


yes, my exit vote was purely based on the fact that anyone who rules us and makes laws for us has to be elected and we have to be able to oust them if they piss us off. People died in their millions for that right. also rules made in europe dont take account of each countries idosyncrities as they dont know what they are. what works in italy may not work in the uk. what new law works for the people of greece may be utterly stupid here or in Ireland.
that was my reasoning. there are other factors but that is the main thing that decided it for me.


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## Phil Istine (Jul 4, 2016)

I'll sit on my hands and focus on the poetry


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## Ariel (Jul 4, 2016)

*Please keep on-topic.  Any further discussion about where one lives needs to be moved to PM for privacy and safety.*


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 18, 2016)

If you get bored with your own writing after ten seconds why should anyone else concentrate on it for longer? I am not trying to be nasty, but seriously, there are  almost no writers who do not edit their work, those there are produce really simplistic stuff, like Enid Blyton or A A Fair. Getting it written is good, as someone said 'Everyone wants to be a writer, but no-one wants to write'. someone else said 'Write first, then get it right'. Sorry, but to be taken seriously you must learn the hard work bit as well as the fun bit and edit.


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## nathan sturley (Jul 21, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> If you get bored with your own writing after ten seconds why should anyone else concentrate on it for longer? I am not trying to be nasty, but seriously, there are  almost no writers who do not edit their work, those there are produce really simplistic stuff, like Enid Blyton or A A Fair. Getting it written is good, as someone said 'Everyone wants to be a writer, but no-one wants to write'. someone else said 'Write first, then get it right'. Sorry, but to be taken seriously you must learn the hard work bit as well as the fun bit and edit.


Yes I understand. But I did review it in my unconcious just how my mind works. It may happen fast but that is how my mind works. That doesn't mean I didn't make my point or be serious it just means ideas perfect very fast and short of changing a few words to possibly be more pretentious I write how my mind flows it to me. But I trust my unconscious mind to find the best just very rapidly. I dont sit for hours it just comes to me. It would have been nice to comment of the meaning, on how accurately it presents the current uk labour party issues. Rather then pontificate on whether my choice of words are the best.
By the way friends and family told me it was brilliant and were suprised as I wrote it the same day the news broke. Alot of good stuff is an idea that flashes into the brain. Just thought  i would add that. It is like been a real time social poet. Poems about todays events. Like Hogarth does with drawings!!!!


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## Phil Istine (Jul 22, 2016)

nathan sturley said:


> Yes I understand. But I did review it in my unconcious just how my mind works. It may happen fast but that is how my mind works. That doesn't mean I didn't make my point or be serious it just means ideas perfect very fast and short of changing a few words to possibly be more pretentious I write how my mind flows it to me. But I trust my unconscious mind to find the best just very rapidly. I dont sit for hours it just comes to me. It would have been nice to comment of the meaning, on how accurately it presents the current uk labour party issues. Rather then pontificate on whether my choice of words are the best.
> By the way friends and family told me it was brilliant and were suprised as I wrote it the same day the news broke. Alot of good stuff is an idea that flashes into the brain. Just thought  i would add that. It is like been a real time social poet. Poems about todays events. Like Hogarth does with drawings!!!!



Perhaps your creative mind works differently from mine.  Certainly the general ideas, metaphors, symbols, similes etc. can flow well from the less conscious parts, but I do find that the tweaking often needs a bit more logic (conscious thought) to convey it to a wider readership.

Sometimes, I find that just changing one or two words can turn a reasonable piece into a good one, but other times, major surgery is needed.  Personally, I don't regard introducing new words to a piece as being "pretentious".  I will even go as far to admit that I sometimes enlist a dictionary or thesaurus to assist with this.  If you don't feel such a need, that's fine as it's your poetry and it's always poet's choice.

Commenting on the representation of current Labour Party issues (as you requested) could too easily lead into debate mode, so I was unwilling to go there.  So I will limit myself by saying that yes, it does accurately represent many people's perceptions. I will also say that few of those perceptions are shared by me, and that's as far as I'm prepared to go along that road.  "Go man, go!" were the words uttered by the then Prime Minister in the House of Commons.  Although quoting others is also valid, I prefer to see a little originality too.

I would question the accuracy of "... facts that remainers do not see ...".  Speaking generally (not just about this issue) it is possibly better not to potentially alienate about 16 million of one's potential readers by implying intellectual impairment on their part - even if that were the case - moreso on an issue that can be so contentious and divisive.  I don't doubt that many of them (us  ) considered all the issues and prioritised them in a way that produced a conclusion of "remain".

It has not been easy for me to focus on the poetry and presentation.  Hopefully I have managed it while just about skirting around the edge of the political stuff.


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## nathan sturley (Jul 22, 2016)

Phil Istine said:


> Perhaps your creative mind works differently from mine.  Certainly the general ideas, metaphors, symbols, similes etc. can flow well from the less conscious parts, but I do find that the tweaking often needs a bit more logic (conscious thought) to convey it to a wider readership.
> 
> Sometimes, I find that just changing one or two words can turn a reasonable piece into a good one, but other times, major surgery is needed.  Personally, I don't regard introducing new words to a piece as being "pretentious".  I will even go as far to admit that I sometimes enlist a dictionary or thesaurus to assist with this.  If you don't feel such a need, that's fine as it's your poetry and it's always poet's choice.
> 
> ...


Now that is what i call constructive advice
Thanks very much you are the very opposite of your username!!


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