# powerlessness



## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

I am feeling quite concerned at the moment about my sixteen year old cousin. He is quite rebelious at home. He lies so much that he rarely speaks the truth. He cheats people out of their money, especially his younger brother. He steals. He gets into fights with his older brother to the point that they physically attack each other. He is severely addicted to drugs (weed), so  much so that it can't be measured accurately in his blood anymore as there's simply too much in it. But if that wasn't enough he has now found a new friend and its is this new friend that leaves me feeling powerless. Its one of the players of his footbal team, but this man is 26 years old. They have become close friends and last night my cousin stayed out all night and slept at this friends house without telling his parents about it. I am highly suspious of this 'friends' motives for wanting to befriend a sixteen year old boy, but it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. My cousin won't talk about this friend at all, but he doesn't talk about anything really. Other members of my family say that I am being paranoid, but I don't think I am. Am I? If this was a sixteen year old girl spending the night at the house of a 26 year old man people would be freaking out, right? So why is it okay if its a 16 year old boy?


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## escorial (Jul 29, 2015)

it's tuff i know but all you can do is wait and hope that he sorts himself out..he has to want to change for himself and know one else..it's his journey and when he gets to the end he will understand who was there and who left him behind..chances are he will turn into a cool person...


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## Ariel (Jul 29, 2015)

Misti, we can't control the actions of others and even if we could--would you want to?  I know you're worried about him because you have a big heart but sometimes we have to let people fall on their own.


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## Schrody (Jul 29, 2015)

Double standards, that's how the world works. It's not fair, but it's pretty hard fighting against it. I hope things will resolve for your cousin.


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

escorial said:


> it's tuff i know but all you can do is wait and hope that he sorts himself out..he has to want to change for himself and know one else..it's his journey and when he gets to the end he will understand who was there and who left him behind..chances are he will turn into a cool person...



I don't mind waiting for him to sort himself out, I'm just hoping that this 'friend' won't abuse him in the process  To me he sounds like a predator and that scares me.


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

amsawtell said:


> Misti, we can't control the actions of others and even if we could--would you want to?  I know you're worried about him because you have a big heart but sometimes we have to let people fall on their own.



Oh, in this case I would want to, and in all honesty if I still worked as a child protect social worker I would have the police check this guy out, but I don't have those resources anymore


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

Schrody said:


> Double standards, that's how the world works. It's not fair, but it's pretty hard fighting against it. I hope things will resolve for your cousin.



Yeah, me too. I hope I am wrong and this is just a nice guy wanting to help. Hell, he could even be a guy wanting to date my cousin, if that is what my cousin wants its fine with me to. Just as long as its not something darker dan that.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Jul 29, 2015)

Mistique said:


> I don't mind waiting for him to sort himself out, I'm just hoping that this 'friend' won't abuse him in the process  To me he sounds like a predator and that scares me.




Or he could also be some sort of a mentor trying to help a kid out. You don't really know. Anyway, the best thing to do is to lay back and see what happens. Are his parents involved with trying to help your cousin in any way?


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

mrmustard615 said:


> Or he could also be some sort of a mentor trying to help a kid out. You don't really know. Anyway, the best thing to do is to lay back and see what happens. Are his parents involved with trying to help your cousin in any way?



Yeah, the parents are, but he talks even less to him than he does to me. I know he could be a good guy, but with the work I used to do I developed an instinct about this sort of thing and they haven't failied me yet. I hope I am wrong, really I am.


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## escorial (Jul 29, 2015)

Mistique said:


> I don't mind waiting for him to sort himself out, I'm just hoping that this 'friend' won't abuse him in the process  To me he sounds like a predator and that scares me.



it can be a scary world no doubt......


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## Phil Istine (Jul 29, 2015)

Having once been a wild, crazy sixteen year old, I am totally unqualified to comment because my own life at that age might colour my opinion.
As far as "predator" goes with this twenty six year old, it is possible, but when dope is concerned, it may be that he's hanging around with someone who has a few more contacts than him to get hold of some weed.  Going by memory, the dope scene threw together all kinds of unlikely alliances.  For instance, when I was seventeen or eighteen, I was hanging around with black and Moroccan guys from south London (I'm white English) some of whom were in their forties (maybe fifties).  We just hung out, scored, got stoned together.  There was never anything sexual.  I didn't live in that immediate area but used to go up there on the weekends.
However, even if there is no hint of sexuality, there is scope for problems if he is easily led and the older guy is a bit dodgy.  He may just be some guy who enjoys a few smokes and likes your cousin's company.
I suppose my perceptions may also be coloured by the fact that age of sexual consent in the UK is mostly sixteen (there are exceptions).  In the UK, although sixteen year olds don't have full adult rights, consensual sexual activity (even with a much older person) is legal (again, there are certain specific exceptions).
Yes, I know that a sixteen year old can probably be more easily manipulated than an older person.
Just be there for him if the brown stuff hits the fan - tough love though, not enabling.


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

escorial said:


> it can be a scary world no doubt......



Definately


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## Mistique (Jul 29, 2015)

Phil Istine said:


> Having once been a wild, crazy sixteen year old, I am totally unqualified to comment because my own life at that age might colour my opinion.
> As far as "predator" goes with this twenty six year old, it is possible, but when dope is concerned, it may be that he's hanging around with someone who has a few more contacts than him to get hold of some weed.  Going by memory, the dope scene threw together all kinds of unlikely alliances.  For instance, when I was seventeen or eighteen, I was hanging around with black and Moroccan guys from south London (I'm white English) some of whom were in their forties (maybe fifties).  We just hung out, scored, got stoned together.  There was never anything sexual.  I didn't live in that immediate area but used to go up there on the weekends.
> However, even if there is no hint of sexuality, there is scope for problems if he is easily led and the older guy is a bit dodgy.  He may just be some guy who enjoys a few smokes and likes your cousin's company.
> I suppose my perceptions may also be coloured by the fact that age of sexual consent in the UK is mostly sixteen (there are exceptions).  In the UK, although sixteen year olds don't have full adult rights, consensual sexual activity (even with a much older person) is legal (again, there are certain specific exceptions).
> ...



I will be there for him, no doubt about that, and I definately don't enable. With my cousin there is loads to worry about. He started drugdealing recently and he seems to have all the personality traits nessessary to have a very succesful carreer in crime. I hope he choses differently.


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## KLJo (Jul 29, 2015)

There's a reason Marijuana is being decriminalized. It is not really apt to describe a user as a "severe drug addict".

There are a lot of reasons to be hopeful that this is not a serious drug problem, and that after a period of normal, teenage rebellion, your cousin will come out the other side and in to adulthood, successfully.

All the best.


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## Foxee (Jul 29, 2015)

What I'm thinking would take some chutzpah to do but it's what my instinct says might work. Introduce yourself to the 26-year-old guy, let him know who you are and, without overtly stating it, I think that would send a message that your cousin DOES have someone who's watching and cares what happens to him. If he is predatory that might put him off a bit even if it doesn't entirely discourage him. Plus, it would give you a chance to asses the guy face-to-face.

I don't know what the age of majority is where you are but that would be a factor as well.

Additionally, when at all possible be your cousin's friend, it sounds like you have a marginally better relationship with him than he has with anyone else. Be all up in his business, smiling and helpful the whole time.

I don't ascribe to the idea that kids left to their own devices will turn out to be good adults. I think that it's possible but the road will be rockier and there can be a lot of pain both to them and to others around them if they do whatever they like.


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## Mistique (Jul 30, 2015)

KLJo said:


> There's a reason Marijuana is being decriminalized. It is not really apt to describe a user as a "severe drug addict".
> 
> There are a lot of reasons to be hopeful that this is not a serious drug problem, and that after a period of normal, teenage rebellion, your cousin will come out the other side and in to adulthood, successfully.
> 
> All the best.



I hope so, Kljo, I really do.


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## Mistique (Jul 30, 2015)

Foxee said:


> What I'm thinking would take some chutzpah to do but it's what my instinct says might work. Introduce yourself to the 26-year-old guy, let him know who you are and, without overtly stating it, I think that would send a message that your cousin DOES have someone who's watching and cares what happens to him. If he is predatory that might put him off a bit even if it doesn't entirely discourage him. Plus, it would give you a chance to asses the guy face-to-face.
> 
> I don't know what the age of majority is where you are but that would be a factor as well.
> 
> ...



Thank you very much for that. I have actually had the very same idea, to go and meet him and have a little chat about how nice is is that he is supporting my cousin especially when there are so many other people in his life who do the same thing. Just so that if he is a predator he will know that we are out there and that perhaps my cousin isn't the easiest target. I think I will do just that. Thank you!


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## Foxee (Jul 30, 2015)

You're welcome. You've got my respect, I'll tell you.

Edit: In regard to Kevin's comment, I think praying is always a good idea.


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## Kevin (Jul 30, 2015)

Apt title... If he's really going off the deep end, well, any of it, he won't do as anyone says, maybe he'd listen to his new 'mentor', whatever that guy is up to. So... you're left as a witness, observer, maybe  something worse... or he gets better. Pray for him?


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## Mistique (Jul 30, 2015)

Kevin said:


> Apt title... If he's really going off the deep end, well, any of it, he won't do as anyone says, maybe he'd listen to his new 'mentor', whatever that guy is up to. So... you're left as a witness, observer, maybe  something worse... or he gets better. Pray for him?



I am not the praying type, but I am hoping with all my heart that he will be okay.


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## Foxee (Jul 30, 2015)

That's okay, you can leave that bit to those of us who are the praying type.


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## bazz cargo (Jul 30, 2015)

You might want to point out that you know several hundred people world wide who have your back.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 30, 2015)

> Other members of my family say that I am being paranoid, but I don't think I am. Am I?


It strikes me that their lack of concern may be part of the cause of his behaviour if it applies more generally. Knowing someone cares and is looking out for you may be rejected outwardly by teenage boys, it is my belief that inwardly it would be a source of comfort and security, and thus, possibly, strength to rebuild. When people do change they quite often make a complete change of direction, don't give up on him, and the weed may be blocking the realities of a world he needs to face, but it will do him much less long term harm than many drugs.

You could go through the thread with him and find what he thinks of the fact that, not only are there several hundred people at your back, many of them are willing to apply time and thought to his problems.


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## Gofa (Jul 31, 2015)

I think you need to assess if this relationship is predatory. After that make sure that your interference will result in a positive outcome. You dont want to try and break this up only to find that your efforts actually reinforce the relationship. You help people achieve  change in THEIR lives you dont prescribe it. Anything else is just a further set of controls reinforcing anothers beliefs or wants giverning the induvidual. If your cousin does not want to leave like any alcoholic telling that booze is bad for them will not help 
You fix things like this by adding to the individual to the environment. If you are taking away you can be inviting the problem to shift to another input source and the next one might be even more disagreeable that that which you face right now. 
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. First find out everything you can. After that make up your mind. Fools rush in.  You have a life time to regret getting it wrong here. I would step carefully.

let me worst case scenerio this
image this creepy predator has his hooks into your cousin as he is suicidal from doubts fears and the usual rampant teen age gender blues. You interfer reinforce how evil the relationship is and you later attend his funeral.  
Sorry to run extremes but to continue with the alcoholic metaphor used above you should chase the causes not the symptoms. Your cousin needs a friend first a judge way there after. Go be a friend you can bury a hatchet in the predator later


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## Winston (Aug 2, 2015)

@ Gofa:  That was very good.

I worked for years in corrections, including juvenile hall.  I've seen a lot of half-cocked panic "interventions" backfire.
As the responsible adult, you have to be The Rock.  You don't let the 26 year old move you. A troubled kid will see the example you present, and contrast it to the chaos and disorder their "friends" offer.  It eventually "clicks" and your cousin will grow up.  It might even take a decade or three...

A nephew and niece are just exiting that part of their life right now.  It was painful to watch, and terrifying to consider they could slip back in.  But my sister-in-law was The Rock.  Tough, but consistent.  The key word is structure.  Build it, maintain it.  
As long as there is love and understanding.

P.S. You are not "powerless",  far from that. You care.  That makes you strong.


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## dale (Aug 2, 2015)

some people have to learn things for themselves. these are the people who will not take "yes" for an answer. 
i once was one of those people. and i know them now. my advice to you is to not concern yourself with him.
he is on his own trip and will have to learn his own way. nothing you say or do will matter to him and you will
only feel pain for trying.


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 2, 2015)

dale said:


> some people have to learn things for themselves. these are the people who will not take "yes" for an answer.
> i once was one of those people. and i know them now. my advice to you is to not concern yourself with him.
> he is on his own trip and will have to learn his own way. nothing you say or do will matter to him and you will
> only feel pain for trying.


That is very pessimistic, dale. I agree that very often people do not say the things that make a difference, usually because they are too tied up in their own point of view and passion, but it can be done.


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## InstituteMan (Aug 2, 2015)

I've seen plenty of 'good kids' make bad decisions. Most of them had to figure things out the hard way. There wasn't really anything that their parents, much less a concerned cousin, could have done to prevent the bad decisions in the first place or to pull the kid out of the bad situation against his/her will. 

The only thing to do is to be there after the kid learns some lessons. That's where the real differences in outcomes show up. If a kid has help getting on the right track, he might stay there; I haven't seen many overcome prior mistakes without help.

It really sucks watching someone you care about screw up his life, but I'm afraid there's not much to do until he's truly wanting to make a change. He'll be lucky to have someone like you to help him then, Misti.


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 2, 2015)

> there's not much to do until he's truly wanting to make a change


.I agree, it is the person wanting to change that makes the difference, that is triggered by something, sometimes as simple as someone saying something like, 'What are you doing?'. Doing it deliberately means an awareness of the other person and not imposing your emotional background, step one is usually listening a lot rather than talking, there are ways of showing attention that draw people out, judging the moment to make an intervention and its form is where the skill lies.


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