# Darkened Skies



## rickyknight1 (Jan 24, 2018)

The God who I worship created me with special intentions in mind. He is divine beyond all beliefs and is capable of such great feats like the creation of life itself. However, despite how infallible he may have seemed to me at the time, he was going to learn otherwise.
Admittedly, his ideals and convictions are nothing short of the extraordinary; and his omnipotence is what he uses to rule the holy kingdom. When he sent me an angel to roam the earth alongside mortals, his intentions were true and just. At the time of his decision the earth was burdened by the dark ages.  A burden they were forced to carry as an aftermath of constant warfare. 
They were suffering mainly from poverty and death. Indeed humankind, at least from my experience, is often plagued by their own greed. Yet it is this very thing which fuels a lot of their social and political advancements.
Humans have grown quite independent of God, and it was fair to say that he felt betrayed by their lack of dependency. So his goal was quite simple. 
“How can I win them back over to me?” He would ask. And thus here I am, born out of a desperate need, no —born out of a desperate plea, for all mortals to turn back their heads, and gaze once more upon his glorious wonders. Day one started with ease, I relied on my senses and my base understanding of human kind to garner a conclusion about the roots of their problems. 
To my surprise and because of my lack of any high expectations— I was surprised at what I soon discovered.  Most humans seem to have an utter dependence on the emotion called ‘love’. It was found within their private conversations in their homes, I heard it on the streets, where the poor man walked about, begging each passerby for any sort of loot to help feed his hunger.
It could be found in their artistic sounds if one were to listen very carefully, humans displayed it on stage through ritualistic dances; a man who covets a wife because of his cravings from that innate desire. The young lad from the village— desperately pleading the king's daughter to take any and all thoughts towards him. 
He tried pleasing her with flowers, eloquated speeches, simple gestures, pecks on the cheek.This primal necessity to have a person whom we deeply cherish, is sprouted from a more base need found in all animals across the globe. That was when I came across a special female and got to know her more intimately. Her name was Esmerelle a woman born of flesh. In the beginning I could not grasp or fathom this principle of different sexes. 
For all angels are one and we do not specify in genders at all, nor is there such a thing as integrating with the opposite sex. Esmerelle was the first of the female specimen to cater to my new found curiosity, and a lust within me grew very quickly. 
“Tell me you love me,” She always said. I would take the time to examine her eyes, looking for a deeper connection, and in doing so perhaps I would grow to understand her emotions. This was something I blindly believed to explain the full measure of who she was.  Then I discovered this was a purposeless endeavor.
 For we can know someone our whole lives and still not fully understand who they are. In any case, she would always shy away from me to let out a petite smile. 
“Stop. You’re making me blush.” She would whisper in quiet disbelief. Esmerelle was a docile woman, one who thought less highly of herself. I always cherished our times alone, because it was in those moments I came to know ecstasy. In those days I also learned a new influence I possess, one whom my creator purposely sought to keep under the tables, so to speak. 
By some divine touch I was able to persuade anyone to my will. And before I knew it the girl was at my fingertips, ready to do whatever I ask. I tasted the forbidden fruits of love, and was now intrinsic with its poison. Not a day would go by without me thinking about her, and I remember wanting her every single day. 
In the moments I was denied that right, I went and sought it elsewhere. I got it through other women whom I also had under my nails. What mortal could resist the persuasion of an angel? Through my experience I was never denied. But every time I knew a woman more intimately I became more human without realizing it.  
The fate of such a result would grant me permanent exile from the holy kingdom; I would be forever entrapped, forced to live with the creatures I was born to save. With the light of such knowledge it would seem that my decisions were clear. If I can simply avoid certain interactions during my stay all would be well. 
But alas, I soon learned that one cannot simply take a mighty lion out of the ecosystem, and then expect that same system to function as it normally would previously. And so I failed. In the following months the humans made me their absolute king, I was worshipped. 
My creator also made me bright and handsome, certainly more so than any living flesh, and who could resist such a prestigious offer. Then later—during my reign, the women came pouring in my halls like a giant flood. Before I knew it my palace was filled with varied races spread out across the earth. 
The curvy tan females coming from the sandy deserts. The dazzling pale dames from the icy mountains, short women, Asians, and even the tall Amazonians would pay me a visit. I was a king with great possessions and many riches; cattles, lands, horses, soldiers, castles, you name it. 
Yet it was not fulfilling. I could not explain my thirst for more, but than again these emotions that I wrestled with helped me to understand those of the flesh a little bit better. Now I can see why they’ve gone to war so many times, seeking to conquer what lies just beyond their grasp. 
Years down the line I have fought many long battles, in hopes of remembering what I was created for, what my true purpose was, yet the answer escapes me every time. I just know that I am different somehow from all mortals, but I can’t remember why. 
Nor do I remember where I come from.Maybe the answer to this question will get up one day and come knocking on my door, awaking me from this dream like state. 
I need a rope to tug at in this absolute darkness, I need lights to guide my steps, I have stumbled in a forest and lost my way.  Like a boatman traveling through storm at sea, I am looking forward to my first glimpse of a lighthouse.


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## Moonbeast32 (Jan 26, 2018)

well I must say, this would make for a great story. It would appear to me that you understand what makes great fantasy; stories of yearning and attainment.

But what you've written here doesn't feel like a story. It's more like what you would read on the inside of a dust cover, and even then, the exposition feels hasty.

I'm assuming that this angel dude is to be the protagonist of this story. I don't even know his name though. I hardly know anything else about him either. What was it that made him so irresistible to all women everywhere? The fact he was an angel? Yet I don't know what angels are like in your world, and until you explain that, I will continue to use my own opinion on what an angel is to define your character, which doesn't work with the context of this story.

But if you can pull this off, I'd look forward to it. You have a setting here that has a lot of potential for exploring themes that haven't been explored yet. I can't think of any stories about angels that weren't just facades for anti-religious commentary.

This one doesn't look like it's headed in that same direction to me, so I'm willing to see where you take it.


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## rickyknight1 (Jan 26, 2018)

Moonbeast32 said:


> well I must say, this would make for a great story. It would appear to me that you understand what makes great fantasy; stories of yearning and attainment.
> 
> But what you've written here doesn't feel like a story. It's more like what you would read on the inside of a dust cover, and even then, the exposition feels hasty.
> 
> ...


Awesome! Thank you for that, I do feel like it was rushed a little, which is probably why it felt like less of a story. I do intend to rework this and bring it to it’s full potential.


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## tobiasgray (Jan 30, 2018)

rickyknight1 said:


> Awesome! Thank you for that, I do feel like it was rushed a little, which is probably why it felt like less of a story. I do intend to rework this and bring it to it’s full potential.



Please do! It seems like it has a great deal of potential. One of the aspects I really liked was the deepening of the character. He has everything and yet feels he has nothing of value. I agree with Moonbeast32 that it does feel somewhat hasty, but it seemed like you have a great voice for the character and I hope it works out well. Keep us posted!


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## H.Brown (Jan 30, 2018)

rickyknight1 said:


> The God who I worship created me with special intentions in mind. He is divine beyond all beliefs and is capable of such great feats like the creation of life itself. However, despite how infallible he may have seemed to me at the time, he was going to learn otherwise.
> Admittedly, his ideals and convictions are nothing short of the extraordinary; and his omnipotence is what he uses to rule the holy kingdom. When he sent me an angel to roam the earth alongside mortals, his intentions were true and just. At the time of his decision the earth was burdened by the dark ages.  A burden they were forced to carry as an aftermath of constant warfare.
> They were suffering mainly from poverty and death. Indeed humankind, at least from my experience, is often plagued by their own greed. Yet it is this very thing which fuels a lot of their social and political advancements.
> Humans have grown quite independent of God, and it was fair to say that he felt betrayed by their lack of dependency. So his goal was quite simple.
> ...



This section would be easier to read with more formatting. For example:

The God who I worship created me with special intentions in mind. He is divine beyond all beliefs and is capable of such great feats like the creation of life itself. However, despite how infallible he may have seemed to me at the time, he was going to learn otherwise. Admittedly, his ideals and convictions are nothing short of the extraordinary; and his omnipotence is what he uses to rule the holy kingdom. When he sent me an angel to roam the earth alongside mortals, his intentions were true and just. At the time of his decision the earth was burdened by the dark ages. A burden they were forced to carry as an aftermath of constant warfare. They were suffering mainly from poverty and death. Indeed humankind, at least from my experience, is often plagued by their own greed. Yet it is this very thing which fuels a lot of their social and political advancements. Humans have grown quite independent of God, and it was fair to say that he felt betrayed by their lack of dependency. So his goal was quite simple. 

“How can I win them back over to me?” He would ask. 

And thus here I am, born out of a desperate need, no —born out of a desperate plea, for all mortals to turn back their heads, and gaze once more upon his glorious wonders. Day one started with ease, I relied on my senses and my base understanding of human kind to garner a conclusion about the roots of their problems. To my surprise and because of my lack of any high expectations— I was surprised at what I soon discovered. Most humans seem to have an utter dependence on the emotion called ‘love’. It was found within their private conversations in their homes, I heard it on the streets, where the poor man walked about, begging each passerby for any sort of loot to help feed his hunger. It could be found in their artistic sounds if one were to listen very carefully, humans displayed it on stage through ritualistic dances; a man who covets a wife because of his cravings from that innate desire. The young lad from the village— desperately pleading the king's daughter to take any and all thoughts towards him. 


I would consider re-formatting this piece and have a look at any words that are unnecessary to the story. You are beginning to build a world and I would like to enjoy that world and see more of this world. I hope that this helps and please post a revised edit I am interested to see what this can become.


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## Roac (Feb 1, 2018)

I think you have a really good base for a story here. However, to me, it reads like a summary of a backstory from which the actual story will come from.

What are your intentions with this story? Are you going to expand it and delve deeper into various sections? Or are you going to build a story from the point where the MC begins to seek who he really is? I could see either being really interesting. 

As for the formatting, I would suggest taking a few minutes and trying to get it to look better when posted. I found it quite difficult to read. Even some spaces between the paragraphs would help. 

Thanks for posting! And good luck with this!


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## rickyknight1 (Feb 3, 2018)

Roac said:


> I think you have a really good base for a story here. However, to me, it reads like a summary of a backstory from which the actual story will come from.
> 
> What are your intentions with this story? Are you going to expand it and delve deeper into various sections? Or are you going to build a story from the point where the MC begins to seek who he really is? I could see either being really interesting.
> 
> ...



I’m going to expand and delve deeper into its various sections, then finish off by speaker seeking who he really is.


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## lumino (Feb 9, 2018)

This flows very well, is clear, and is interesting, but I loathe the subject. I might not be able to read most fantasy because of my religious beliefs. But I can comment on your prose style and say that it kept me reading, even though I hated what was being communicated.


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