# At His Deathbed



## peter6 (Apr 16, 2011)

Of course, I was the last to arrive at his bedside;   
I feared him the most.
  It made no difference that he was dying.
  Dying only made him more unpredictable.
  “Christ, you are ugly” he might say.
  or “I never liked you, anyway.”
  That’s what I was thinking when I leaned over
to greet him.

  “Dad, it’s me.” I whispered dutifully,
  hoping he wouldn’t wake;
  but he did, his face brightening, 
  thinking his oldest son
  was there to save him,
  to take him home.

  He reached for my hand,
  gripped it fiercely,
  and threw one leg over the side of the bed.
  I pretended to help him;
  but I wanted him to stay there
  and die without a fuss,
  the way it’s done on TV.

  He slumped into the white sheets,
  his eyes large with questions
  and the realization 
  there was to be no escape.

  He’d talked about his dying to me on the phone.
  “It’s okay” he said, “I’m ready” 
  I was hoping he meant it;
  but I could see he was terrified;
  the thin thread of life slipping 
  from his hands.

  As usual, I made this all about me,
  and stood over him in shame;
    I wanted to say something helpful;
  but my tongue was ash.


----------



## Gumby (Apr 16, 2011)

This is wonderful, peter. You moved me to tears with your honesty, and that doesn't happen often. Truly spectacular work, thank you for sharing it here.


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Apr 16, 2011)

I love brutal honesty and you've certainly sated my yen for it. You devoured my attention until the last word, and my eyes watered also. but for you. I felt anger that you had to feel that way, no child should have to fear his parent to such an extent. Makes me wonder what Dad was up to in the living years since that fear was still so crippling as he lay dying. I fear I must leave it that so as not to overstep the boundaries of good taste. Please know you've done your job extremely well to have evoked such emotions and I welcome you with gusto to our neck of the woods. This is a fabulous introductory piece, thank you for sharing, Peter.

Best,
Lisa


----------



## peter6 (Apr 16, 2011)

Lisa,
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece. I'd like to return the favor; but for some reason, the site is not responding when I try to access some of your work. 

What is the proper etiquette for the number of posts one person puts up? Is each poem a separate thread?

blue skies
pete


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Apr 16, 2011)

I appreciate your attempts to reciprocate, hon, I haven't a clue why you are being disallowed access to my work. I really don't have anything new floating about save for a piece in Structured Verse. Be a dear and try again and if you're still having difficulty, let me know and I will try to find out why. I believe there is a ten post minimum required to use the PM system, and I am checking to see what else requires a post minimum and will get back to you, but you should be able to access pieces.

All rules and guidelines are easily available if you'd be so kind as to click on the Rules section in the green navigational box at the top of the page. As far as proper etiquette for number of threads started, we like to keep it at two per person per day in any given forum to ensure everyone get their fair share of time on the first page. You may make as many replies as you'd like to others' work, though. It's best to keep to a single poem per thread to ensure it will get the proper attention. Posting more than one piece in a thread may result in one or the other being neglected.

Best,
Lisa


----------



## The Blue Pencil (Apr 16, 2011)

You let us examine your most personal thoughts and feelings. Excellent and moving.


----------



## candid petunia (Apr 17, 2011)

Very touching. Could really feel the hurt, pain and anger underneath. The denial and neglect faced moved me too. 
Liked it.


----------



## Boddaert (Apr 17, 2011)

Well, hats off to a true master of emotions. This had me enthralled. One teeny, tiny, nitpicking thing: the last word of the last line kinda doesn't gel for me. Amazing stuff though, let's have more and soon.

Bioddaert


----------



## peter6 (Apr 17, 2011)

Boddaert,
Thanks for picking up on the last word. It clunks for me too.

I wonder if 

As usual, I made this all about me,
  and stood over him in shame;
    I wanted to say something helpful;
  but he was past hearing, 
and I was silent.

works any better? 
pete


----------



## Boddaert (Apr 18, 2011)

Works better for me, but don't change it until you've had a real good think about it. It's YOUR work, written in YOUR words. Treat 'em like babies. 

Good lucki.


----------



## peter6 (Apr 18, 2011)

Boddaert, gratitude.


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Apr 18, 2011)

I'm always the fly in the ointment. I like the alternative ending just fine, but I rather liked ash. It's the only thing left behind once something has burned out, so to me it fit perfectly. Grain of salt here, Peter, I'm a strange one. lol.

Best,
Lisa


----------



## Boddaert (Apr 18, 2011)

Well there ya go Peter, best leave it as is. Lisa knows wot's wot as my old mate used to say. And I must say I missed that reference altogether *slaps head*


----------



## Fritz_Vetter (Apr 21, 2011)

Jerked a little liquid behind the eyes myself.  Well done.


----------



## prmadhura (Apr 21, 2011)

I came from you heart, peter6.

Keep it up.

Prabhakar.


----------



## A Saucerful of Secrets (Apr 21, 2011)

I have to agree with Lisa too Peter, I preferred ash.


----------



## peter6 (Apr 22, 2011)

Thanks guys.
pete


----------



## Firemajic (May 19, 2011)

I am "humbled" by your artistry and moved by your ability to express unspoken emotions...Thank you for sharing such a personal time and place...peace-Jul


----------



## peter6 (May 19, 2011)

Thanks - Jul
pete


----------



## kangamaroo (Sep 2, 2011)

this was an heart wrenching piece. wonderful. i like to feel the emotion when i'm reading and I did! I do like the last line but it just felt left open... like there was more to come. But each to their own. Keep writing mate was great


----------



## peter6 (Sep 3, 2011)

kangamaroo,
Thank you for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed it.
pete


----------



## Phyllis (Sep 30, 2011)

This is dense, packed with meanings in every line. I am hit hard by the emotions of both you and your dad, expressed so honestly and with just the right phrases.   Wonderfully done.


----------



## peter6 (Oct 1, 2011)

Phyliss,
Thanks. The reality and the finality of death is incredible. It stimulates every emotion...fear, curiosity, selfishness, gratitude....
It can be a mirror that reflects back our own image as it truly is, not as we'd like it to be.
pete


----------

