# 01/12/10 - "Gone" Scores



## Hawke (Feb 1, 2010)

I’d like to extend a huge thank you to Moderan, ppsage and Leyline for judging this round of the LM. Also, thank you to Leyline from the prompt and to everyone who entered. Well done, all. 

And now, your LM scores…











Pawn - 19, 15, 17, 18 = 69 - Average - 17.25
anubis608 - 20, 16, 17, 16 = 69 - Average - 17.25
caellachgregor - 19, 10, 15, 15 = 59 - Average - 14.75
Sigg - 20, 18, 17.5, 18 = 73.5 - Average - 18.375
alanmt - 20, 19, 16, 18 = 73 - Average - 18.25
SevenWritez - 19, 14, 18, 17 = 68 - Average - 17
Tom - 20, 12, 16, 15 = 63 - Average - 15.75
eggo - 20, 17, 20, 19 = 76 - Average - 19

*
First place - eggo!

Second place - Sigg!

Third place - alanmt!*

Congratulations! 


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.


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## Hawke (Feb 1, 2010)

_*pp's scores*_


I'm pretty flabbergasted by the number and quality of these entries, and congratulate everyone on a brilliant contest.

Title: (untitled)
Author: Pawn
Comments: For some reason, taking this prompt as dialogue script surprised me and it took me a while to warm to it here but in the end this Sherlock spoof won me over. A complete story that fits very well into 500 words. Something I envy.

Score: 15/20

Title: Jake
Author: anubis608
Comments: I've been inundated lately by the animal/pet POV. Which rarely seems to work. But here it's a perfect match to the prompt. I like especially that the climax of the owner's return is further complicated by his 'evil' demeanor in the resolution.

Score: 16/20

Title: Apathetic Pursuits
Author: caellachgregor
Comments: Although I'm very anxious to hear Kori's tale of the Grand Canyon raccoon universe destruction, it takes too long to get started. This feels very much like putting a gun on the table and never shooting it.

Score: 10/20

Title: Gone
Author: Sigg
Comments: The best of characterization and dialogue really make this appealing. Which carries it to a high score for me, but the who and what of the stealing end up somewhat too indefinite for a twenty. Still, my personal favorite.

Score: 18/20

Title: The Spirit Searcher 
Author: alanmt
Comments: This one has it all. The very precise most important thing and explicit who stole it are very satisfying, especially at 500 words. And a fitting twist at the end. 

Score: 19/20

Title: Bloody Box
Author: SevenWritz
Comments: It takes a minute for me to warm to this twisted and archaic syntax but I decided finally that it works okay. The idea that nobody cares interests but I find this 'something in a bloody box' unsatisifyingly ambiguous, especially for a short. 

Score: 14/20

Title: (untitled)
Author: Tom
Comments: I found it pretty hard to make out what happens here, between millions of victims and what seems an accident. This might be a bigger story than the form will allow, which is always my problem when I enter.

Score: 12/20

Title: Drink Slowly
Author: eggo
Comments: Clever and useful format and I like the story twist. I couldn't form a clear impression of the narrator from the voice, I kind of thought he(?) tended to the vacuous and vainglorious but then sometimes he got all precise and observant. A more characterizing voice would pull this up to the top.

Score: 17/20


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## Hawke (Feb 1, 2010)

_*moderan's Scores*_


I used Word Count Tool - Free Online Tool to Count Number of Words to count the words

untitled-by Pawn (380 words)

Spelling and grammar 4/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

19 points

Very good dry AC Doyle tone in this Sherlockian pastiche. The comedic elements only add to the effect. Indeed they are the effect as the left leg of the Holmes character beats out a nervous tattoo, leading to the climax where he confesses that he is in truth Ozzy Osbourne (not literally-he famously said that of all the things he's lost, he misses his mind the most). Enjoyable and well-constructed. This sentence fragment:"..hunched by my only exit wearing a rictus of terrible joy and bewilderment" is relatively unclear. The character referred to doesn't seem to have risen and is still seated while his leg twitches. The pov character hasn't left yet, though the door is still clicking. With that nit fixed, this'd be a perfect score. I like the intimation that the pov character is the thief.

Jake-by Anubis608 (507 words)

Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

20 points

This seems to be a repeated daily drama. That's sad. The whole thing is sad...the reader is bound to feel sympathy for the poor abused pooch, trapped by his own instincts. I can't say that I enjoyed the story but it's absolutely effective on its own terms, contains no grammatical errors or spelling erros, and has its own internal logic. Perfect score...I don't care so much about the wordcount.

Apathetic Pursuits-by caellachgregor (520 words)

Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        9/10

19 points

The narrative voice is consistent, there are no spelling or grammar errors other than the need to capitalize "Fanta" as it is a brand name. I found I disliked both of the characters. I'd guess that was auteurial intent...and it worked. The stolen item not being identified and in fact trivialized bothered me too. The piece is effective, though I feel it is more of a vignette than a story. Almost perfect. Again, I'm not gonna be a wordcount stickler.

Gone-by Sigg (519 words)

Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

20 points

The obvious affection of both the narrator for his grandfather and the grandfather for his friend lend this piece a certain charm. Just a little slice of life from the nursing home, but readable and with a high degree of character identification in a very few words. A second perfect score.

The Spirit Searcher-by alanmt (508 words)

Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

20 points

Nice little dark fantasy piece with sf elements, told and plotted in a pulpish manner. Harold Ramis wants that camera for Ghostbusters III. A third perfect score...no spelling or grammatical errors. Almost every piece has run a few words over. The tough-guy ending fits.

Bloody Box-by Sevenwritez (510 words)

Spelling and grammar 4/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

19 points

One missing word--"so", from this sentence, "At this he slapped his thighs that blood began to spill from his hand in such torrential haste I feared he might fall from loss.", kept this from a perfect score. Otherwise very good morality play in which it seems that hope has been stolen. I'm not really sure of the significance or symbolism of all the blood, and there are some minor grammatical errors, but I would have ignored those things in terms of scoring had that word appeared. That was the most important word in the "Bloody Box" universe.


untitled-by Tom (513 words)

Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

20 points

I'd like to know more about why hearing is the most important thing in the universe to the character but there's a wordcount limit so I'll take what I can get. Perfect score for this piece about a pair of ruptured eardrums...the source of the explosion is vague, and the allusion to "millions" of similarly afflicted persons is intriguing. Narrative voice is consistent and appropriate to the story.

Drink Slowly-by Eggo (503 words)


Spelling and grammar 5/5
Tone and Voice          5/5
Effect                        10/10

20 points

The narrator tortures Ponce De Leon and gets the secret location of the Fountain of Youth. Well-told piece. No spelling or grammatical errors. Easy to read and understand, and easy also to understand the character's motivation. Another perfect score...


I'm not amazed but pleasantly surprised by the number of pieces that received perfect scores...they were all extremely well-written and I enjoyed that I could relax the inner critic for a read-through before getting out the scoring machine. Every one of you should be congratulated for your writing ability and the skill to bring off a difficult subject and short form with such aplomb. I was prepared for this to be difficult and had my hard-guy editor hat on. Not necessary in this case. Well-done, a pleasure to be a judge in this round of LM.


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## Hawke (Feb 1, 2010)

*Leyline's Scores*


Title: NONE
Author: Pawn

This seems to be simply a wry moment of discovered madness. Entertaining enough as that, though more like a scene from a larger work than an individual story. Good use of prompt, I like the sly way you worked a relevant use in at the very end. Quite funny and light-feeling, despite the odd and possibly tragic incidents.

Score: 17

Title: Jake
Author: anubis608

The main problem with this entry is the main reason it's enjoyable: it's ambitions. You attempt three distinct tones and three sort-of-twists in such a small space. It doesn't work -- mainly because you don't have the room to do so much (I felt more disoriented than surprised) -- but it was a game and impressive try. Excellent use of theme, well written overall.

Score: 17

Title: Apathetic Pursuits
Author:

This is an interesting enough vignette between a brother and a sister, with a pleasant use of the theme. It's not really a satisfying whole, IMO, as it lacks a concrete point. I understand that some like that in a story, though. :razz: Some good lines, and effective characterization, just not my stylistic cuppa.

Score: 15

Title: Gone
Author: Sigg

OK, nicely written and a good idea. Theme used well, indirectly. Nicely structured up to the final revelation. Where I decided I didn't care for it. The story seemed to promise amusing or at least odd, and then went for touching. It's incredibly hard to build the necessary sympathy to achieve a non-obvious, not maudlin 'touching' at this length. I've seen it done, but with every word used to the breaking point. Good job in the construction, but I think you need a longer, more involved story for that ending to properly work.

Score: 17.5

Title: The Spirit Searcher
Author: alanmt

alan's usual excellent craft and attention to detail is sort of done in by the lack of an ending. It just sort of stops. Excellent use of the several strange ideas, and a nicely late-in-the-game springing of the theme. I was heartily enjoying it until it just...stopped. Excellent beginning to a longer piece.

Score: 16

Title: Bloody Box
Author: SevenWritez

An excellent parable, ambiguous but intentional, suffering a bit from a rushed ending. Reminded me of Poe and Crane both at odd moments. Like the central image and title quite a lot.

Score: 18

Title:NONE
Author: Tom

Good mood piece, with relateable characters and a nice structure. Once again, it just doesn't strike me as a story. 'Guy realizes how bad stuff is.' isn't my idea of a story. The writing is good (as usual for Tom) but this is another one that just isn't there for me.

Score: 16



Title: Drink Slowly
Author: eggo

My hat's off. Excellent work and best in show. Complete story, funny, clever and terrific use of theme.

Score: 20




Good work this round, folks! Thank you all for the reads. :smile:


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## Hawke (Feb 1, 2010)

*Hawke's Scores*

Exceptional entries, everybody. I hate you all.

Since a lot of you did the following, I thought I’d mention them in one go:
* Watch the word count
* Watch your commas
* Watch which words you scrap in order to keep under the word count (missing words)
* Watch your tenses
* Watch your use of asterisk and the like - a word counter will count them as words, making to appear as though you’ve exceeded the maximum.





Untitled - Pawn - 18
Holmes - the latter years. A well executed, well worded and well done work, this. Super job, penguin-man. You just forgot a title. 


Jake - anubis608 - 16
Your word count, by my word count, is 515. Please be aware that going beyond the maximum word count in formal writing challenges, even by one, would mean expulsion. 

Super story, fun POV, sad about the dog. Speaking of dogs, why are most dog stories sad and most dog owners in dog stories quasi abusive/abusive? Might want to change that up.  Word mess-up in the second last line The most important thing is (in) the universe is back. 


Apathetic Pursuits - caellachgregor - 15
We had a family of raccoons back home who every night would steal the plug out of the old bathtub-turned-water-trough for the horses. Strangely enough, the plug would always show up by noon. I had visions of momma raccoon seeing her littlest one (let’s call him Timmy) with it, scold the hair nearly off him, then drag him back by the ear to return it. But I digress. 

I take it the sister in this work is a little sister. Being the youngest, I’ve never had the pleasure. (Thank God.) So what did the raccoon have in the sister’s fantasy, and why the Grand Canyon? Is that in reference to the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Just curious. As for this work. It felt “safe,“ if you know what I mean. I think you have the skills to go beyond “safe” and let ‘er rip. By the by, yes—raccoons are aliens. Believe it. 


Gone - Sigg - 18
I think this work suffered just a touch from the challenge’s low word cap. I’d love to read it in full and find out more about Alfred, the woman in the picture, the screaming eagles tattoos, etc. Fine work, mind you, but I just felt this was the edited version of something much larger. (Oops. Didn’t see your comment in the Coffee Shop until just now.)


The Spirit Searcher - alanmt - 18
It’s John… what’s-his-name! Cool. And by the way, you’re a mean man. You know I just love those silly shows like Ghost Hunters and Paranormal State such, didn’t you? Yes you did! (Well, if you didn’t, you do now.)

It’s fitting that he grabbed the doctor in the end, what with “unhappy spirits affecting (should be effecting?) people” and all that… although in this case it’s being soulless, not unhappy spirits. Good idea. Good work. 


Bloody Box -SevenWritez - 17
Good write good read, good descriptions. You’re missing a few words here and there (and though I tried to ignore it I could not find sleep [the] rest of that entire night; uncertain where they [were] headed; then fell to [his] knees; at this he slapped his thighs [so hard?] that blood began 

Alright, call me slow, but… what was in the box? 


Untitled - Tom - 15
Over by a few words. 
… and my head losing weight = what?; when Lisa comes round each afternoon = around… unless she really does come round each afternoon and then deflates by suppertime or something; and walked towards the stereo sat in the corner = that sat, or maybe leave out the word “sat”

If your MC was a musician or a music teacher or even a father awaiting his child’s first word, then I could certainly see why hearing would be the most important thing in the universe to him. And the MC might be any or all of those. However, you didn’t tell me (the reader). Also, instead of hearing loss, I couldn’t help but think ‘survivor’s guilt’ might have been good for this work. Ah, but it’s your work and your story. Good job.


Drink Slowly - eggo - 19
An excellent short with your trademark flair; I’d know your stuff anywhere, dude. Only nit: a space after ellipses. Well done.


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## alanmt (Feb 1, 2010)

Congrats to eggo and Sigg, and good job to everyone!  This was a tough prompt, and I was amazed at the variety of great stories that came from it.  

Thank you very much to the judges for judging.  It is appreciated, each and every time!


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## Sigg (Feb 1, 2010)

w00t, lots of people entered (more if you include the people who 'forgot' the deadline).  this was my first time doing one of these contests, next time I will topple you from your throne eggo... curse you!


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## Tom (Feb 1, 2010)

Thanks for the comments guys.

I know my story was pretty vague. I just had an idea and had to write it.

Maybe one of these days, I'll get it right 

Thanks again.


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## Tom (Feb 1, 2010)

Double post.


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## eggo (Feb 1, 2010)

Thanks guys,

Fine job by all those who judged and by Hawke to pull this all together.

My piece started off at seven hundred words and I had to chop the crap out of it to fit. Learning how to edit and boil down your piece to still be effective is one of the best things you can learn form these things.

Congrats to all the winners here.

Shows what a quality prompt will bring you.


Edit;

Hey PP,

I left the MC gender ambiguous on purpose so the reader could identify on a level they felt comfortable with. I thought of his as a gay guy, but left it up in the air.


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## anubis608 (Feb 1, 2010)

Congrats to the winners. This was my first LM and it was quite fun. Don’t know what is up with the word count, as mine tells me under 500. Thanks to the judges to for the feedback. It’s appreciated.
　
In appreciation to my fellow contestants, just the good stuff on what I read.
　
Pawn: Enjoyable read. This is the sort of story I get a bit more fond of with each read, and each time, the humor still gets a laugh. Very nice.
　
Anubis: Hmm… no feedback for you. Lol.
　
Caellachgregor: Kinda sad to read. Think it’s a good snapshot of apathy between the siblings. I took it as a social comment. Nicely written.
　
Sigg: Damn Sigg. I just keep thinking what you must have cut. Very tight piece, and felt true to life. Brilliant piece.
　
Alanmt: The characterization was the best part for me. I felt like he was a real celebrity. The ending was great, just _wish_ it could have been _longer_. Curse the word count, lol.
　
SevenWritez: While I don’t know if I completely understand this, I enjoyed the piece as a paradigm to which any number of human conditions could be implied. I liked the enigmatic feel, that asks the reader what’s in the bloody box.
　
Tom: I liked this more than the judges. I saw it as a twist on ‘never knowing what you’ve got until it’s gone.’ Something taken for granted, that doesn’t seem earth shattering except it was yours. 
　
Eggo: Magnificently told, the pacing felt perfect. Can’t tell you how exceptional I felt it was.
　
Caio
Anubis


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## Pawn (Feb 3, 2010)

My sincere congratulations - the real prize, no doubt - to the esteemed victors. Thanks also to the selfless efforts of the judges. It was a pleasure to read all your comments. Indeed, it is with a heavy heart that I go now to dispense the permanent bans that are the inevitable and unalterable outcome of your failure to give me the requisite 20/20.


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