# The Daughter's Petition



## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

Stand on your head, Daddy,
so I can see you frown.

Your smile hurts 
when I come home
with knees torn up.

Blood and tears
before the scabbing
which you'll pick at,
leaving one more lesion. 

Please, Daddy, 
do upside down.

Be as nimble as 
the rubber man
in a freak show 
where Fat brats 
stuff themselves 
with popcorn,
spitting kernels 
at you.

You study 
weakness, on my face, 
and like a keen scholar
you dig into your material.

You've made the Dean's list.
Go ahead and smile.

Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized.

Cut me open
till you find it. 

My heart, 
no longer
a baby nor
a child.

Do it.
Operate on me,
you drunken surgeon.

Use the sharp corners 
of your mouth 
to disunite me till

I’m just splinters
who no one
can love.

_Code blue, code blue! _Your mantra.

And that, ear to ear,
half mad moon
on your night face.

Wait.

Please, no more,
Daddy.

I have no pretty buttons
to sew up the sins 
of your grins.


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## Chiefspider (Jun 10, 2011)

Wow,just wow, it was really well written, I don't really like the story its portraying (very, very sad  ) but it was well made so keep up the good work!


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## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

Chief, no. Not a pretty story at all. But that it made you sad (I'm sorry) makes me pleased because I think that I might have done my job. Now, cheer up or you might force me to be inclined to write a purely "happy" poem which I'm not very good at!


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## Chiefspider (Jun 10, 2011)

hehe, well you did indeed do an outstanding job lol. no need to spoil your dark talents on sunshine or rainbows I'm perfectly cheery


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## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

You must have read my signature! :wink:


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## Chiefspider (Jun 10, 2011)

but of course


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## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

:grin:


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## Angel101 (Jun 10, 2011)

A very powerful piece. This one really got to me with the connections that I have. And so, on that level, it's really hard for me to critique this. Emotionally, you're achieving exactly what you need to, and that's pretty outstanding. You're making a connection with your readers. 

And, of course, I'm drawn to the medical aspects of this piece. I loved this:



> Do it.
> Operate on me,
> you drunken surgeon.


 
At this point in the poem we can visually see everything becoming fragmented with all the short stanzas. I like that. I do feel like the stanzas above the point where you first began talking about cutting should be longer. Maybe combine some lines. So everything above this:



> Do it today, Daddy,
> I'm anesthetized by now.
> 
> Cut me open
> till you find it.


 
I think it might even be more interesting if there was just one stanza before this and then it all busted apart.



> I have no pretty buttons
> to sew up the sins
> of your grins.


 
I love the ending. It's perfect. Captures everything. And the rhyme you snuck in is brilliant. 

There are a few things that I would cut or change:



> with *knee*, torn up.


 Knee or knees? Think it reads better as "knees."



> leaving *yet* one more lesion.


 I would cut that word. I think it takes away from the assonance and the flow of that line.



> with *pop corn*,


 One word? 



> You've earned your *4.0* GPA


 Maybe "perfect" instead? 4.0 just doesn't strike me the same way.

Otherwise, no nits at all. This is a truly powerful piece of work, Laurie. I love the image you created in the beginning. Don't we wish... Beautiful job. 

Bay


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## Squalid Glass (Jun 10, 2011)

I need to come back to this to give it a proper response. But I wanted to let you know that upon first reading, it is striking and powerful. I really love the transition throughout the piece as it gets darker and darker. 

I will come back to this and give you a detailed response.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

Bay, thank you. I always hope to connect with the readers even if my subjects are not their exact experience. And thank you for your suggestions.



> Do it today, Daddy,
> I'm anesthetized by now.
> 
> Cut me open
> ...




I think you might have something here and will give this some thought.



> Knee or knees? Think it reads better as "knees"


 
Right on spot! Consider it a fix. Much more impactful.



> leaving *yet* one more lesion. I would cut that word. I think it takes away from the assonance and the flow of that line.


 
I should have stayed with my instincts. I wasn't quite sure about "yet".



> Don't we wish


 
Don't we...

Thank you for taking so much time, digging into this. Laurie


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## SilverMoon (Jun 10, 2011)

Glass, thank you so much for your attention and that you wish to give this more thought is a great compliment as I know you have a busy schedule. That you found this powerful is also a great compliment as I know you go deep.


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## wood (Jun 11, 2011)

"Stand on your head, Daddy,
so I can see you frown."

loved those first 2 lines, they started me off on the right foot, as i read i paid attention for things twisted and out of place, and you delivered.  as a reader i was expecting to see a father being a good father, in essence, exactly what a daughter should expect, but she knew better.  and even though i can see how she is being destroyed by his mocking and critical nature, i can also see her strength as she turns that mocking back at him (which is so well displayed in this) and finally sends her petition out "please no more". what else can she do in the face of such brutal authority.

i only noticed one flaw 

"Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized by now." this line seems to break flow, and feels a little passive, perhaps cut the "by now"

Do it today, Daddy,
I am anesthetized

oh, and then one more item

"please no more"  i don't know if you need a comma after "please", but a little pause right there might amplify her plead a little more... it's your call on that.

very well written, i really like what you've done here.

wood


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## Nellie (Jun 11, 2011)

Oh Laurie,

Another powerful poem that cuts down to the soul. The opening lines are captivating, making me want to continue this mystery.


> Stand on your head, Daddy,
> so I can see you frown.



As I continue reading, the more loathsome this "Daddy" description becomes:



> Be as nimble as
> the rubber man
> in a freak show
> where Fat brats
> ...



And again:




> Do it.
> Operate on me,
> you drunken surgeon.
> 
> ...




This stanza obliterates you. Look what your "daddy" did to you. How sad. 


> I’m just splinters
> whom no one
> can love.



Very revealing of that face. I like "half mad moon"


> And that ear to ear
> half mad moon
> on your night face.



Wonderful work. Thanks again for sharing. I know it took a lot for you to do so.

Cindy


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## SilverMoon (Jun 11, 2011)

Thank you so much, Wood. I made changes per your suggestion, pronto. Very astute, making the poem read smoother.



> his mocking and critical nature



I dare not go deeper but the father was downright sadistic. If I went more explicit I fear the reader might have a nervous breakdown! But at least I got your observation across.

I'm glad you saw the father as being benign in the beginning as I wanted to bring the reader into a decent into the very sad relationship.

And you're correct. All she can do is plead. All that a young child can do in the face of a sadistic parent. The poem is really just about her thoughts, hopefully leaving the reader wonder what her real defense mechanism is all about.

I'm really pleased that you like what I've done with this and thank you, again. Laurie


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## Boddaert (Jun 11, 2011)

I particularly liked the opening and closing stanzas. Powerful writing.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 11, 2011)

Cindy, thank you for your remarks. I knew the first two lines where obscure and was afraid the reader might become frustrated but it seems by the replies I'm getting it brought people in, wanting to discover what this meant. Why the smiles were so terrifying.

Here, I brought in SOC, Stream of Consciouness. I mixed it up a little but wondered if it would throw off the piece. But I just had to keep it at all costs.



> Be as nimble as
> the rubber man
> in a freak show
> where Fat brats
> ...



"Obliterate" is the perfect word and what I was looking for to get across. Rendered to mere thin shards of glass. Who could love such a fragmented person? Someone not "whole" and in fact dangerous to know, indicated by the splintering. Who wants to get cut?




> This stanza obliterates you.
> I’m just splinters
> whom no one
> can love.



You're right. Once again, a poem which took the stuffing out of me. But when you're writing in the Confessional genre this is almost a requirement.

Thanks, again. You never fail to "get it" and the blood, sweat and tears involved. Laurie


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## SilverMoon (Jun 11, 2011)

Thank you, Bodolaert. Great feedback. The opening and closing of a poem is very important. And I'm glad you liked all in between the sandwich bread!


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## candid petunia (Jun 11, 2011)

> Stand on your head, Daddy,
> so I can see you frown.


I loved how the child wished to _invert _​the smile into a frown.

Very powerful. Sliced through my heart. The others have said all that had to be said.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 11, 2011)

Thanks, Petunia. More than anything the smile was not wanted to be seen. But a frown was the icing on the cake!

"Sliced through my heart" The best. I was hoping the reader would feel something along these lines. Always wanting to bring the audience into the experience no matter how gruesome!


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## Trides (Jun 11, 2011)

Hmm, I'm just wondering if a little girl would talk like that... are you sure you don't want to adopt a childlike voice?


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## Chiefspider (Jun 11, 2011)

I think any child would adopt an adult perspective in that situation


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## Squalid Glass (Jun 12, 2011)

This was a difficult poem to properly assess. In a lot of ways, I don't feel comfortable suggesting changes, because it is so powerful as is, but here are my thoughts:



SilverMoon said:


> Stand on your head, Daddy,
> so I can see you frown. *A very interesting lead. There is an inversion here, which becomes a common thread in the rest of the piece. Very clever.*
> 
> Your smile hurts
> ...


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## SilverMoon (Jun 12, 2011)

Glass, thank you. Another very astute review. I've made the punctuation changes and reconsidered the "4.0 GPA". Thought it a bit awkward so changed it to:



> Go ahead and smile.
> You've made the Dean's list



And "Your Mantra" works very well with "Code blue...."

I was very aware that the last lines were too much a rhyme but couldn't let go of it. I know it would have worked better if I had had more of it sprinkled throughout the poem.

Thank you so much for your generosity, observations.


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