# it makes you think



## jenthepen (Mar 7, 2018)

_Hang gliding over a vista of __problems_
_wondering what it’s all about_
_given no choice but to move along_
_through bogs of __nothing-doing_
_a staggered slide to oblivion_
_before the job is done_

_A book with final pages unwritten_
_a collective sigh of - is that it -_
_a million __b__illion tales with a twist_
_all missing an answer_
_all left before time_
_dissatisfaction guaranteed_

  t_he secret is not to start from here.


REVISION:

__Dissatisfaction Guaranteed _* 
*
_Hang gliding over a __mess of misfortune__,_
_wondering what it’__s__ all about._
A slow_ st__eady__ slide to oblivion,     _ 
_t__reading__ bogs of nothing-doing_
_before the job is done_

_Gazing out through mirrored windows,_
_dreaming that the tide might turn._
_Blinded and becalmed by sadness,_
_dwelling on no headway made_
_as time dribbles away._

_B__ook__s__ with final page unwritten,
a collective sigh of - is that it -
a billion tales with a __missing answer,__
checking out__ before time __is up_
_with half the story told._

 T_he secret is not to start from here_


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Mar 7, 2018)

Interesting! The last line was amazing! Seems there's nothing that I can nit-pick about it.


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## ArianSpirit (Mar 7, 2018)

I feel like I am living this poem at the moment. I have no input to make it better right now but can certainly feel it.

~A


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## j.w.olson (Mar 8, 2018)

Nice! I also can relate to this poem.

My main suggestion is that the title doesn't do much for me. I'd go with something that sets up the last line for (even) more impact, like "What's the secret?" or "How do I do it?" or something. Then again, it's not my place to write your poem.


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## Unwritten Gravity (Mar 9, 2018)

Excellent imagery here. To be honest I wasn't certain about how I felt as I was reading it, but the last line really sewed things up and made the whole thing just that much better.


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## jenthepen (Mar 9, 2018)

Thanks for all the comments, guys. I think you're right about the title, j.w. I'll have a rethink about that.

Looking at it now, it feels a bit ragged and maybe needs something more before the turn into the second stanza?

Anyway, I'm pleased that I got the feeling into it, that's always the most important thing for me. I'd be glad of any more suggestions about ways to improve this. I think it definitely needs a bit of help.

Jen


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## ned (Mar 9, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> _Hang gliding over a vista of __problems_
> _wondering what it’s all about_
> _given no choice but to move along_
> _through bogs of __nothing-doing_
> ...



hello - an interesting poem I enjoyed reading.

I would look for more creative terms for vista, move along (maybe consider dropping this whole line), 
a million billion, final pages, an answer.

perhaps swap lines 4 and 5 ?

is that it = is that all there is?

with a twist - untwisted, surely....

I feel the penultimate line is over-explaining things - and might be dropped.

just my thoughts.............Ned


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## TuesdayEve (Mar 9, 2018)

Dear jen,
This is a turn, eh?
I agree with the others, so relatable, love the first 
and last lines too.
I had one spot that slowed me down. S2L5...to me 
that line is dangling.


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## jenthepen (Mar 10, 2018)

ned said:


> hello - an interesting poem I enjoyed reading.
> 
> I would look for more creative terms for vista, move along (maybe consider dropping this whole line),
> a million billion, final pages, an answer.
> ...



Thanks ned. That's a good idea about swapping those lines - much  smoother. The twist comes from the idea of stories with a twist (or  unexpected) ending. We all seem to end up with death as an unexpected  visitor in a story that was going along just fine. I appreciate the  suggestions. I'll take another look at this and be back with a revision  soon.



TuesdayEve said:


> Dear jen,
> This is a turn, eh?
> I agree with the others, so relatable, love the first
> and last lines too.
> ...



Thanks Tuesday. Well, for me it was a turn (a change to a slightly different perspective) In this case from viewing the lives of suffering people to an overview of life in general. But I was never one for poetical definitions so it may not be classed as a turn for those who know about these things. 

Thanks for pointing out that line. I'll see what I can come up with.


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## jenthepen (Mar 10, 2018)

I've posted a revision in the opening post but I'm not sure if it is an improvement or not? I'd appreciate any comments and suggestions about it. Thanks.


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## H.Brown (Mar 12, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> _
> 
> REVISION:
> 
> ...



Hi jen I like this poem both the original and the revision I can see that the changes already made have improved the imagery and the pace. I have however added my own thoughts above, I don't know a lot about poetry but I enjoy reading things written from the heart. i hope that my comments help in some way.


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## jenthepen (Mar 13, 2018)

Thanks for the suggestions, HB. I did mean hang gliding but I'll keep your other ideas in mind when I do the final revision.


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## andrewclunn (Mar 14, 2018)

Make pages plural to match books.  Consider this ending line:

"The secret is not to st..."


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## jenthepen (Mar 14, 2018)

Thanks, Andrew. I like the pages suggestion - that sounds better and improves the rhythm. Your suggested ending made me smile but I doubt a reader would get it, especially without knowing the unrevised version.


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## Firemajic (Mar 16, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> _Hang gliding over a vista of __problems_
> _wondering what it’s all about_
> _given no choice but to move along_
> _through bogs of __nothing-doing_
> ...




Dear jen, I love the thoughts expressed in this poem, the revised poem brings a sharper focus to your message, without it being over written... if that makes sense...  I love how you expose the often over looked obvious... no one ever really finishes their book.... do they? Death is so inconvenient.... and it comes at the worst possible time....


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## ArianSpirit (Mar 16, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> _
> REVISION:
> 
> __Dissatisfaction Guaranteed _*
> ...





I’m just gonna personalize this a little as when I read this today it *SO* applies to “my” life right now. I hope you do not take offense as I’m really not going to critique just explain why I needed to read this today. 

_Hang gliding over a mess of misfortune,_
_wondering what it’s all about._
_A slow steady slide to oblivion, _
_treading bogs of nothing-doing_
_before the job is done_


S1 hits hard as I have been in my roll for 28 years and am old school. I was the one that knew everything and the go to in order to build things (systematically) that had never been done. I was ready to resign this week on Tuesday but am not ready for a career change just yet! Younger teammates do not logically think like I do so we have had issues there but we worked through a lot of them this week.

_Gazing out through mirrored windows,_
_dreaming that the tide might turn._
_Blinded and becalmed by sadness,_
_dwelling on no headway made_
_as time dribbles away._


S2 hits pretty hard as well (still a work related thought process) yet two deaths on Tuesday confused me personally. One expected the other just made me sick to my stomach. So “Blinded and becalmed by sadness” hits hard as well.


_Books with final page unwritten,_
_a collective sigh of - is that it -
a billion tales with a missing answer,
checking out before time is up_
_with half the story told._


S3 makes me reflect upon my own life, as life could end at any moment. What ifs and missing answers can drag your mind and heart to bad places. As stated above 2 lives were lost in my life on the same day one expected the other not. 

To just explain the unexpected, a neighbor picked up her life and moved to my state to start a new life. Never married, no children and her parents had died she just had a brother. I met her Dec 23[SUP]rd[/SUP] which was a warm day, played with her beautiful dog a bit and we spoke getting to know each other a little. As good neighbors do, we made plans to go out and meet other neighbors and plan other outings and such. We all had plans for when winter was over getting together and such.

Tuesday I got a phone call stating she was found dead on her couch. So the lines below hit hard too. Although, everything points to a genetic heart issue, I did not get the chance to hear her whole story.

_“checking out before time is up_
_with half the story told.”_

So now I am trying to process everything from my week and make sense of many aspects of it (and stop questioning what if I would have?)

I am sure your poem has absolutely no correlation to how I interpreted it, but I just want you to know that I needed to see it today and let you know the impact it has had on me personally.

Thanks,
~A


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## jenthepen (Mar 18, 2018)

Thank you for telling me about your reaction to my poem, A. It means a lot to any writer to know that their words had an impact but I'm sorry that life is hitting you so hard at the moment. I'm glad that the poem has helped a little as you begin working through the pain. It seems cruel how troubles seem to come from several directions at once this way and I wish you better times ahead and hope things turn around for you very soon.

jen


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## Darren White (Mar 21, 2018)

Jen, 

I would leave out the last line as you have it now, it's a bit of an unsatisfactory end. As if you're not sure how to write a good closure to the poem Now, I've been pondering over a better last line, but that is not easy.
You have a list of bad or half-finished things there that needs a decent twist to it without telling too much. 

I think I would also make it all active and in present tense, I feel it will bring more motion into your poem, give it schwung, speed.


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## jenthepen (Mar 21, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> Dear jen, I love the thoughts expressed in this poem, the revised poem brings a sharper focus to your message, without it being over written... if that makes sense...  I love how you expose the often over looked obvious... no one ever really finishes their book.... do they? Death is so inconvenient.... and it comes at the worst possible time....



Apologies, Jul. I completely missed your post when I checked back here.

Thank you for understanding the basic message of this poem. I wanted to point up the way so much of life can be taken up in the struggle to overcome the various handicaps of childhood experiences and, once all those problems are finally dealt with and life can begin, death shows up to cut the journey short. That is why that last line is so important. Does anyone get an unimpeded start in life?


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## jenthepen (Mar 21, 2018)

Darren White said:


> Jen,
> 
> I would leave out the last line as you have it now, it's a bit of an unsatisfactory end. As if you're not sure how to write a good closure to the poem Now, I've been pondering over a better last line, but that is not easy.
> You have a list of bad or half-finished things there that needs a decent twist to it without telling too much.
> ...



Thanks for the thought you have put into my poem, Darren. The last line is important to my message but I'm not sure that is coming across well. If you read my answer to Firemagic (above) you'll see what I was trying to say. I'll take another look at this and maybe come at it a different way. I appreciate the suggestions.


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