# Because



## Squalid Glass (Feb 21, 2011)

EDIT ON BOTTOM OF PAGE



This was a poem I wrote two years ago based on a structure from a poet I cannot remember. Just repetition of the word because to start off two line stanzas. I went back through it tonight and cut it basically in half. Gave it a nice big edit. Was looking for some feedback on it though; perhaps, despite the form, there is too much because... maybe it's too long? Just looking for more things that can go to tidy this guy up. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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*Because *


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## Penelope (Feb 21, 2011)

There are a lot of 'because' in this but I don't think that's a problem really.  I do believe it is too long though.  I think if you focused on the most important poetic points here and discarded the hyperbole .. you'd have something that would keep the reader's attention.  I have to ask this ..
Is the ending meant to be amusing?  the 'only because of this' ... ?


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 21, 2011)

Agreed, and I eliminated all I thought to be hyperbole. Can you point to some specific examples of where I can cut? I've been through it a few times and I can't figure out what isn't necessarily needed.

The end... dark comedy, at best? I didn't mean for it to be funny. The "only because of this" was part of the form of the poem this was modeled after. For the life of me I can't remember the name and author though!


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## Shirley S. Bracken (Feb 22, 2011)

Hi Squalid.  I must say that I was shocked because at first I thought this was about you and maybe your daughter.  After I got past that, I enjoyed it.


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## Penelope (Feb 26, 2011)

um .. okay I'll take a stab at it.  Please don't take my input as gospel because .. because .. because .. the poem will always remain yours.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 27, 2011)

Wonderful. Thanks - I'll get to working on that.


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## Penelope (Feb 27, 2011)

wow!  Thanks! .. now you've gone and made me confident enough to propose one more idea .. 

Scratch the title and change it to snow angel and delete all of the 'because' 

To me that is the connecting thread .. snow angels became one and now she's gone ...

I'm fairly confident the 'because' is because of your recollection of that other poem.  However, if you can't recall where it came from it may not be as compelling as you imagined.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 27, 2011)

Haha, a marvel idea. And alas there's the beauty of the forum. I will post an edit when it's done. Thanks again.


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## Penelope (Feb 27, 2011)

Now you've got me curious about that 'other' poem you sort of remember.  Was the repeating word .. 'because'?


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 27, 2011)

Pretty sure it was modeled after this gem:

Etc. etc. etc. - Because - Yannis Ritsos Because the buses were...


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## Penelope (Feb 27, 2011)

okay .. thanks ,,, I was wondering if it was Rudyard Kipling's "IF"


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 1, 2011)

I really enjoyed that link Squalid.


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## Shirley S. Bracken (Mar 2, 2011)

It sounds better.  I'm no critic but I like it.  
Did this really happen to you?


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## Gumby (Mar 2, 2011)

I have no nits, simply enjoyed it.


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## Squalid Glass (Mar 3, 2011)

Here is my edited version. I took a lot of things said into account, and I hope it reads better now. Please let me know!

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*Because*
_(After Yannis Ritsos)_


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## Penelope (Mar 3, 2011)

I think this is so much better.  I did find the ending a bit weak considering the enormity of the poem's theme.  I'd also remove the weak grip line because it takes away from the circumstances.


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## Squalid Glass (Mar 3, 2011)

I figured as much. I had no idea where to end it, and I felt a bit dwarfed by the end of the poem its inspired by. Any ideas?


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