# Dark Drive (649 words)



## Smith

*Dark Drive (~350 words) *mature content**

Originally a submission for an LM Fiction competition, I've since rewrote the ending (as of 2/11/17 this is the third rewrite). Any constructive feedback would be appreciated! Thanks in advance. 

---

If I thought about it, I'd worry about the legality of our speeding relationship.

So I don't think. It's a stop sign we roll straight through.

We're parked with the headlights off. My hand breaches the touch barrier, her cheek warm and blushing. In her eyes the stars glimmer, a celestial ocean begging to be explored.

Houston plays the right tune over the radio as we enter alien territory with tentative lips. I'm rusty, she's new, but our confidence grows. The take-off has us gasping for breath. We hold on tighter, tongues interlocking as she grips the hair on the back of my head.

My knotted stomach unties with a sigh of relief. I entertain the thought of untying something else.

"It's almost ten," she says, stopping abruptly. That's the time her parents told her to be home by. She shows me what happens when she's late, pulling up her shirt to reveal black and blue marks on her porcelain skin, tender to the touch, illuminated in moonlight cascading through the sunroof. For her sake, I figure enough chances have been taken and I put the car in gear.

Windows down, the ride falls quiet. But we're both okay with it. With her head resting on me, beautiful and long black hair draping down my shoulder, we lose ourselves in the moment. Wondering what the other is wondering about. Our date at the movies is already repeating like a film-reel in my brain.

I'm afraid taking a drink of water might wash away her cherry lipstick. It tastes as good as it looks on her. Besides, I like her leaning on me too much to move my arm, and my hand's occupied with her thigh. She has a hand placed the same on me, using her nails just right to get me going.

Minutes later we pull into her driveway. Her house looks asleep, and to keep it that way I park halfway there, roll-up the windows, and turn the lights off. I hit resume on the music as she comes on top of me.

I've never known a girl who handles a manual the way she does.


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## bdcharles

You can certainly write; some really exquisite phrasings here, capturing youthful infatuation with a great voice. There's that sense of summer nights, and I love the space imagery too - sets this in a time and place that Stephen King might write about; like those films that play hits of the sixties to earmark the chronology of the piece.

The issue is that I'm not sure what's happened. If nothing, if it was to be a sort of single moment in time or irreducible emotion, then fine, but there is more than that here. A false accusation of rape? Or a genuine one? What is different about this case to warrant a story? A flash story should ideally pack a clearly identifiable emotive purpose. What am I meant to feel here? What is the relevance of the fatalism determined at conception, and the father's eyes? I am not sure if the narrator-I is the good guy or the bad guy. Maybe I am not meant to but I get no sense of his reaction to the verdict or much else in the second part...


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## Smith

bdcharles said:


> You can certainly write; some really exquisite phrasings here, capturing youthful infatuation with a great voice. There's that sense of summer nights, and I love the space imagery too - sets this in a time and place that Stephen King might write about; like those films that play hits of the sixties to earmark the chronology of the piece.
> 
> The issue is that I'm not sure what's happened. If nothing, if it was to be a sort of single moment in time or irreducible emotion, then fine, but there is more than that here. A false accusation of rape? Or a genuine one? What is different about this case to warrant a story? A flash story should ideally pack a clearly identifiable emotive purpose. What am I meant to feel here? What is the relevance of the fatalism determined at conception, and the father's eyes? I am not sure if the narrator-I is the good guy or the bad guy. Maybe I am not meant to but I get no sense of his reaction to the verdict or much else in the second part...



Thank-you for the feedback Charles! I will send you a PM shortly. 

-Smith


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## lvcabbie

Yes, the writing was good. Very descriptive.

But, far too obtuse. Left me totally puzzled and even with a bit tart taste for being taken for a ride. Where had I gone to get to the end? Give me the road map please.


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## Smith

lvcabbie said:


> Yes, the writing was good. Very descriptive.
> 
> But, far too obtuse. Left me totally puzzled and even with a bit tart taste for being taken for a ride. Where had I gone to get to the end? Give me the road map please.



Could you be a little more specific?

Would making the connection between the first half and second half stronger (some explanation, motive, more emotion) help?

Thanks in advance!

-Kyle


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## dither

lvcabbie said:


> But, far too obtuse. Left me totally puzzled and even with a bit tart taste for being taken for a ride. Where had I gone to get to the end? Give me the road map please.



Maybe that's the aim of the piece. To make the reader think about it, go figure, ponder the imponderable.

Life eh?


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## bdcharles

Smith said:


> Thank-you for the feedback Charles! I will send you a PM shortly.
> 
> -Smith



No worries  Thinking about it, I wonder if you could expand this out because to tackle this subject you might need to really dive deep to set up chsracters and particularly the rights and wrongs of the case. 650 words might be too few. If you are looking to focus on one aspect in 650 words you may consider picking out one thing and writing round that. 

Good luck!


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## Smith

dither said:


> Maybe that's the aim of the piece. To make the reader think about it, go figure, ponder the imponderable.
> 
> Life eh?



Exactly dither! That was my aim here: not to give the answers necessarily, but more to provide the questions and feelings I want readers to have. From there they can make their own conclusions regarding what the piece means to them.

I do believe however there are some things I can do to improve it. Working on a revision right now, so hopefully there will be improvement.



bdcharles said:


> No worries  Thinking about it, I wonder if you could expand this out because to tackle this subject you might need to really dive deep to set up chsracters and particularly the rights and wrongs of the case. 650 words might be too few. If you are looking to focus on one aspect in 650 words you may consider picking out one thing and writing round that.
> 
> Good luck!



That seems to be an age-old issue with the small word count.

On one hand, you can argue that somebody skilled enough could write whatever they want within 650 words. Hell, even 500, or 300. Hemingway wrote the shortest story ever but it is definitely very powerful.

On the other hand, is there a possibility that sometimes a story truly cannot be done justice within a set word count?

It can be frustrating, certainly. The original version of this story ended before the asterisks. Yeah, the writing may have been good, but it wasn't saying anything. It was like: cool, two teens making out. And yeah, I could argue that at least there was some good emotion evoked there. But that feels too simple for me. That's like watching a really good slasher film; it's a great film, but it isn't "saying" anything exceptionally valuable other than "don't go off by yourself into the darkness idiot". In other words, I'm a firm believer anybody can write a decent make-out scene, or a slasher film.

Out of curiosity, what were you expecting when you read the first half of the story? What kind of ending were you looking for (would the story have been more satisfying without the second part, and if so why)?


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## lvcabbie

Okay, here's my read on it.

The first half was clearly consensual with the girl being as much into it as the guy.

So, why does HE find himself before a judge and being found guilty - OF WHAT? 

At least give us a hint as to why it ends the way it does. Either show her immaturity or his adulthood - and, it takes far too long to try and figure out that perhaps he is guilty of statutory rape - which to me is totally ridiculous as long as the girl has reached puberty.

Clear enough?   eaceful:


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## Smith

lvcabbie said:


> Okay, here's my read on it.
> 
> The first half was clearly consensual with the girl being as much into it as the guy.
> 
> So, why does HE find himself before a judge and being found guilty - OF WHAT?
> 
> At least give us a hint as to why it ends the way it does. Either show her immaturity or his adulthood - and, it takes far too long to try and figure out that perhaps he is guilty of statutory rape - which to me is totally ridiculous as long as the girl has reached puberty.
> 
> Clear enough?   eaceful:



Yeah, I agree with you about statutory rape, but the law is the law. So that's exactly part of the point I'm trying to make.

It's supposed to be a criticism of the justice system (~10% of all rape accusations are false), and very strange and ill-founded societal trends regarding rape ("only men are capable of rape", "mandatory college rape quizzes that if you don't take or pass will prevent you from graduating", etc) which are being pushed by third-wave feminist groups, Buzzfeed, and so on.

That being said, you are right that it needs to be more apparent that the second-half of the story - the court case - is specifically about an accusation of rape made against the narrator by the girl, which the reader should know is false. I need to hint at some sort of motive. And there needs to be some sort of emotion on the narrator's end.

Thanks!

-Kyle


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## bdcharles

Smith said:


> That seems to be an age-old issue with the small word count.
> 
> On one hand, you can argue that somebody skilled enough could write whatever they want within 650 words. Hell, even 500, or 300. Hemingway wrote the shortest story ever but it is definitely very powerful.
> 
> On the other hand, is there a possibility that sometimes a story truly cannot be done justice within a set word count?
> 
> It can be frustrating, certainly. The original version of this story ended before the asterisks. Yeah, the writing may have been good, but it wasn't saying anything. It was like: cool, two teens making out. And yeah, I could argue that at least there was some good emotion evoked there. But that feels too simple for me. That's like watching a really good slasher film; it's a great film, but it isn't "saying" anything exceptionally valuable other than "don't go off by yourself into the darkness idiot". In other words, I'm a firm believer anybody can write a decent make-out scene, or a slasher film.
> 
> Out of curiosity, what were you expecting when you read the first half of the story? What kind of ending were you looking for (would the story have been more satisfying without the second part, and if so why)?



The word count thing - mmm, yep, what I've found is that my writing style has to change dramatically when I am trying to condense in alot. It feels like I have to write and assume alot of prior knowledge of the setting on the part of the reader. Obviously the reader won't actually have that so I have to invoke it, a bit like jogging memories (or implanting them) or those pranksters that go up to people and say "don't I know you. You know, from the party?" and they start to "remember". Add to that the need to drive out all excess words and phrases - "something about"; "I see"; "recognise the"; "stand aside"; "the same kid"; etc. Look to sum up a three word thing in one word; eg "a small group of kids my age" - let's just call them "students" because the guy's age has somewhat been determined and the reader can infer the rest. So for the time switch bit. 

We’re ready for the third and final leg of the race.

I’ve never known a girl who handles a manual the way she does.

***​A group of students - familiar faces from feminist rallies, and Egalitarian Society council meetings - chant and wave 'stop rape culture' signs outside the courtroom. Pamphlets are thrust in my face.



So there I tried to invoke the same history as you did but as if the readers would already know of these rallies and meetings. I also tried to depict the hostility of the thrust pamphlet as well, to make it clear what has happened and to set up some sympathising. Of course I end up repeating face too that can probably be fixed with no stress.


To answer your question about what I was expecting when I read the second half of the story - I suppose I was expecting something bad. I think that works - it does end badly for the narrator after all, but I would say you perhaps hold back a little from both making clear what has happened and from twisting our heartstrings too much. I say: go all out. Depict the jury and whatnot as a baying mob. Have the judge say "like father like son" while whacking a gavel, all the while presenting us with an actually likeable guy (which you do I think in part 1 - just continue it a little in pt2 via a thought proces or impression here, an action there). Stretch out a bleak jaily future for the guy - perhaps at the expense of some of the other backfill bits like words such as "just" and this bit:

The odds are stacked against me; my friends had believed me and been sympathetic, but I hadn’t asked for their support

I singled this out because it is a little confusing. The odds are stacked against him and yet his friends had supported him and yet he hadn never asked for their support. There seem to me some contradictions here in terms of which way the sympathies should go. Pick a direction and stick with it because that makes the emotions sharper. Is the world against him or for him? Let's pick "against" so have his friends "turn away" or something. But we want the reader to be "pro" the guy so maybe that can be emphasised by the presence of the mother. Give her a rosary bead or lines in her face. Devices, devices. 

Anyway hope this helps


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## Greyson

I tremendously enjoyed this, I thought that your style was really enthralling and the descriptions you gave made me feel so attached to the character's mind and thoughts in the first part that it really allowed the ending to hit home. I do agree however that there is a bit of a disconnect between the two sections (though I understand, a lot of my writing is intentionally vague on the details to allow the reader to explore the options). In terms of what sort of ending I was anticipating, since I see you asked that in the comment previous to mine, I certainly did not go down the path that you ended at in my head. The small hints about age difference and her parents being sticklers helped to make it seem like a valid place to end at, but I will say that it took a bit of an M. Night sort of twist. 

Hope that was helpful in some way, if you have questions let me know I love to elaborate on literally anything. 

-Greyson-


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## Smith

bdcharles said:


> The word count thing - mmm, yep, what I've found is that my writing style has to change dramatically when I am trying to condense in alot. It feels like I have to write and assume alot of prior knowledge of the setting on the part of the reader. Obviously the reader won't actually have that so I have to invoke it, a bit like jogging memories (or implanting them) or those pranksters that go up to people and say "don't I know you. You know, from the party?" and they start to "remember". Add to that the need to drive out all excess words and phrases - "something about"; "I see"; "recognise the"; "stand aside"; "the same kid"; etc. Look to sum up a three word thing in one word; eg "a small group of kids my age" - let's just call them "students" because the guy's age has somewhat been determined and the reader can infer the rest. So for the time switch bit.
> 
> We’re ready for the third and final leg of the race.
> 
> I’ve never known a girl who handles a manual the way she does.
> 
> ***​A group of students - familiar faces from feminist rallies, and Egalitarian Society council meetings - chant and wave 'stop rape culture' signs outside the courtroom. Pamphlets are thrust in my face.
> 
> 
> 
> So there I tried to invoke the same history as you did but as if the readers would already know of these rallies and meetings. I also tried to depict the hostility of the thrust pamphlet as well, to make it clear what has happened and to set up some sympathising. Of course I end up repeating face too that can probably be fixed with no stress.
> 
> 
> To answer your question about what I was expecting when I read the second half of the story - I suppose I was expecting something bad. I think that works - it does end badly for the narrator after all, but I would say you perhaps hold back a little from both making clear what has happened and from twisting our heartstrings too much. I say: go all out. Depict the jury and whatnot as a baying mob. Have the judge say "like father like son" while whacking a gavel, all the while presenting us with an actually likeable guy (which you do I think in part 1 - just continue it a little in pt2 via a thought proces or impression here, an action there). Stretch out a bleak jaily future for the guy - perhaps at the expense of some of the other backfill bits like words such as "just" and this bit:
> 
> The odds are stacked against me; my friends had believed me and been sympathetic, but I hadn’t asked for their support
> 
> I singled this out because it is a little confusing. The odds are stacked against him and yet his friends had supported him and yet he hadn never asked for their support. There seem to me some contradictions here in terms of which way the sympathies should go. Pick a direction and stick with it because that makes the emotions sharper. Is the world against him or for him? Let's pick "against" so have his friends "turn away" or something. But we want the reader to be "pro" the guy so maybe that can be emphasised by the presence of the mother. Give her a rosary bead or lines in her face. Devices, devices.
> 
> Anyway hope this helps



Yes, thank you for the clarification. I'm working on a revision right now and I'll be sure to take your feedback into consideration! I'll send you a message when I update it, if you don't mind. 



Greyson said:


> I tremendously enjoyed this, I thought that your style was really enthralling and the descriptions you gave made me feel so attached to the character's mind and thoughts in the first part that it really allowed the ending to hit home. I do agree however that there is a bit of a disconnect between the two sections (though I understand, a lot of my writing is intentionally vague on the details to allow the reader to explore the options). In terms of what sort of ending I was anticipating, since I see you asked that in the comment previous to mine, I certainly did not go down the path that you ended at in my head. The small hints about age difference and her parents being sticklers helped to make it seem like a valid place to end at, but I will say that it took a bit of an M. Night sort of twist.
> 
> Hope that was helpful in some way, if you have questions let me know I love to elaborate on literally anything.
> 
> -Greyson-



By M. Night twist, I really hope you are referring to one of the good ones (Sixth Sense). 

Yeah, something I've noticed is many of my short stories have some sort of plot twist. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I need to make sure there's some purpose behind it. Not only that, but I need to allow the reader access to that purpose; not necessarily come out and say it, but it shouldn't come off as completely pointless or random either. Otherwise the twist is nothing but shock-value (if that).

I'd like to think that small specific details about "her mother being a lawyer" and such aren't just filler but intentional, especially so in such a limited amount of words. I'm glad you caught some of that, and saw how it relates to the ending.

I'll let you know when I've finished revising. 

-Kyle


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## Greyson

I think it flows better now for sure. I will say that I enjoyed the bit of mystery in the first draft you posted, but I think that in terms of a story and the flow of things this helps ease the reader into what you're getting at a lot more. If you had more words to play around with (I know keeping it to 600 is INCREDIBLY difficult sometimes) you could easily have been a bit more vague and left more clues for the reader to piece together what happened themselves. But keeping word count in mind, I think this makes the narrative much neater and helps the reader see where things are going without getting blindsided at the end. 

Still a twist, but a much more reasonable one to anticipate now.


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## Blue

Although I didn't read the previous version, this one's very good for just 600 words and you convey a lot of emotion in each part. I think you got the point across well, but without just straight out saying 'yeah, so, she accused me of raping her and now I'm going to prison'

Anyways, the writing's good, powerful and not overly dramatic or angsty as a lot of teenaged narratives sometimes are. 

Nice.


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## Smith

Greyson said:


> I think it flows better now for sure. I will say that I enjoyed the bit of mystery in the first draft you posted, but I think that in terms of a story and the flow of things this helps ease the reader into what you're getting at a lot more. If you had more words to play around with (I know keeping it to 600 is INCREDIBLY difficult sometimes) you could easily have been a bit more vague and left more clues for the reader to piece together what happened themselves. But keeping word count in mind, I think this makes the narrative much neater and helps the reader see where things are going without getting blindsided at the end.
> 
> Still a twist, but a much more reasonable one to anticipate now.



Agreed, I think that if this hadn't originally been a competition entry that I'd allow myself the freedom of more words. But I'm glad that you think the revision is an improvement over the original!



Blue said:


> Although I didn't read the previous version, this one's very good for just 600 words and you convey a lot of emotion in each part. I think you got the point across well, but without just straight out saying 'yeah, so, she accused me of raping her and now I'm going to prison'
> 
> Anyways, the writing's good, powerful and not overly dramatic or angsty as a lot of teenaged narratives sometimes are.
> 
> Nice.



That's exactly what I was hoping for. I prefer "showing" over directly "telling" which of course can be hard to do with a small word limit.

Also, I'm glad you didn't think it was too dramatic or angsty. That means I've moved on from my original work on this forum. 

Cheers,

Kyle


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## Mickd

I like your story, but like many I was a little confused by the second half. Maybe stating the characters ages at the beginning might help to clear things up a bit.


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## FunkyNed

I liked it, especially with the revisions.  It was a tad confusing at first, although after I read it again I understood it.


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## Smith

Mickd said:


> I like your story, but like many I was a little confused by the second half. Maybe stating the characters ages at the beginning might help to clear things up a bit.



This is a good idea. While I do mention that she's younger than the MC, it doesn't specify exactly what age.



FunkyNed said:


> I liked it, especially with the revisions.  It was a tad confusing at first, although after I read it again I understood it.



Thanks, glad to hear it! This has definitely proved to be a great exercise, and I think I'm just about satisfied with the results.


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## kaminoshiyo

Smith said:


> Originally a submission for an LM Fiction competition, I've since rewrote the ending. Any constructive feedback would be appreciated! Thanks in advance.



It was definitely enjoyable. I also liked some of the phrasings, the atmosphere, the pacing, and that you left some of the details out because I do think a good story should make you think of things on your own, but the lack of some more detail does make it a bit of a head scratcher since it's like missing time in an alien abduction. (by the way, I liked that 'alien territory' phrase also  )

Overall, Smith, I'm impressed. Felt like a genuine style has emerged.


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## Sleepwriter

With the line that the MC is a bit rusty and she is new.   This to me reads like an older man getting with a teen.   His friends turning their backs, would be the kindest thing they could do.


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## Smith

kaminoshiyo said:


> It was definitely enjoyable. I also liked some of the phrasings, the atmosphere, the pacing, and that you left some of the details out because I do think a good story should make you think of things on your own, but the lack of some more detail does make it a bit of a head scratcher since it's like missing time in an alien abduction. (by the way, I liked that 'alien territory' phrase also  )
> 
> Overall, Smith, I'm impressed. Felt like a genuine style has emerged.



Yeah, right now I feel like it's a crime-scene missing a couple pieces of evidence. I need to put those couple pieces in somewhere for the detectives (readers) to find them, something that'd be infinitely easier with no word limit. But since this was originally an idea for the LM Fiction Competition, I will adhere to it.

I'm happy to hear you liked it though and understood(?) it! Appreciate the kind words. 



Sleepwriter said:


> With the line that the MC is a bit rusty and she is new.   This to me reads like an older man getting with a teen.   His friends turning their backs, would be the kindest thing they could do.



Depends on how you interpret the line. Very interesting, I never would have thought of it that way! Glad you brought it up, because little details like this can make a big difference if significant enough. Thanks for sharing and reading.


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## CJL4307

Hey, just wanted to say that I found this to be an interesting piece. Resounding with some of the others who have posted here, there is no doubt that you are capable in this field whether it be just a hobby or even career type pursuit. Your use of imagery at the beginning was some of the best I've seen and found that it really drew me into this scenario. Unfortunately for me at least, I found that the later half just wasn't captivating enough and maybe even a little bit confusing. If I were to add in my criticism it would be that you need to capture more emotion at the hearing. Unlike the first half, the second came across as a little dry and I couldn't find myself relating to any of the parties. How does he feel about all of this? Does he have the heart of a victim? How does it impact all of his family and friends? I know what his mother thinks of him and what others actions were, but what do they really feel about him? Anyway, just my two cents.


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## Smith

CJL4307 said:


> Hey, just wanted to say that I found this to be an interesting piece. Resounding with some of the others who have posted here, there is no doubt that you are capable in this field whether it be just a hobby or even career type pursuit. Your use of imagery at the beginning was some of the best I've seen and found that it really drew me into this scenario. Unfortunately for me at least, I found that the later half just wasn't captivating enough and maybe even a little bit confusing. If I were to add in my criticism it would be that you need to capture more emotion at the hearing. Unlike the first half, the second came across as a little dry and I couldn't find myself relating to any of the parties. How does he feel about all of this? Does he have the heart of a victim? How does it impact all of his family and friends? I know what his mother thinks of him and what others actions were, but what do they really feel about him? Anyway, just my two cents.



Hey there, welcome to the forums! 

Thanks for the compliments, and I fully agree about the second half. What I'm going to do for the next revision, which I hope to have done some time this week, is make the second part focus solely on the court hearing. Should allow me more word count to work with regarding the emotions, as well as clarifying the connection between the first half and latter half.

Hopefully in doing so, the piece will be more powerful, and also less confusing.

Looking forward to you sharing your own work with us. Can't wait for you to get those 10 posts!

-Kyle

P.S. @Sleepwriter, I changed the sentence "they're aware I'm a *few* years older" to "*couple* years older". Should be less open to interpretation that way, therefore making it clearer what I want to be conveyed.

There are plenty of times where I want the reader to have freedom of imagination, but there is the occasion where I would like them to see it my way, so long as I have a good reason and purpose behind it.


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## CJL4307

Thanks for the welcome! Between the active community and a group of people that seem incredibly friendly, I've enjoyed my time here so far. Working on my first novel at the moment so maybe i'll take the time to upload a portion of it! I'd be eager for any feedback.


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## Smith

CJL4307 said:


> Thanks for the welcome! Between the active community and a group of people that seem incredibly friendly, I've enjoyed my time here so far. Working on my first novel at the moment so maybe i'll take the time to upload a portion of it! I'd be eager for any feedback.



Cool, good to hear! Good luck; shoot me a PM if you decide to share some of your novel.

-Kyle


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## DATo

Very nice. I understood what you were doing but didn't make the connection to statutory rape until I began reading the comments. I thought that he had been accused of perhaps killing her. You had enough clues for me to come to the intended conclusion, but they sailed over my head. My bad.

I like what you did. I'm into twist endings with regard to my own writing, they are sort of my trademark, so I appreciate creative approaches to story endings. I especially liked the device of going (((BANG)))) from the first section to the second leaving what transpired in between to the reader's imagination.

Very well done!


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## Smith

DATo said:


> Very nice. I understood what you were doing but didn't make the connection to statutory rape until I began reading the comments. I thought that he had been accused of perhaps killing her. You had enough clues for me to come to the intended conclusion, but they sailed over my head. My bad.
> 
> I like what you did. I'm into twist endings with regard to my own writing, they are sort of my trademark, so I appreciate creative approaches to story endings. I especially liked the device of going (((BANG)))) from the first section to the second leaving what transpired in between to the reader's imagination.
> 
> Very well done!



Thanks Dato, glad you could appreciate the surprise ending. I've always enjoyed them too because, if executed well, they can put a unique spin on something typical. I like how they get the audience to be creative, imaginative.

Yeah, something I myself noticed when reading it was how one might interpret it as a murder accusation. I'm working on another rewrite right now, one that will hopefully make it a little more clear as to what the narrator's being accused of, _how_, and *why *it matters.


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## BeeGee84

I thought this was a great piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it. It was very easy to dive into and very descriptive. Although the second part changed the pace I can't add anything different to what has already been said, and didn't top me from enjoying the piece overall. I thought you did a brilliant job fitting this into 650 words.


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## PrinzeCharming

Hey! I am back! Okay, ready? I have some time to spare!  



Smith said:


> If I thought about it, I'd worry about the legality. Our speeding relationship.


 

Our writing styles are different. Try this, "*If I thought about it, I'd worry about the legality of our relationship*." Allow the pace (speeding) to follow later in the story. 



Smith said:


> So I don't think; it's a stop sign we roll straight through.


 

I really like the metaphor used here. You "roll with the punches." 



Smith said:


> We're parked with the headlights off. My hand breaches the touch barrier, her cheek warm and blushing. In her eyes the stars glimmer, a celestial ocean begging to be explored.


 

I like this setting. It relates to most of my date environments. I really love the word choice here. Kyle, you're such a charmer! _- melts - 

_Any woman would love to have their 'celestial ocean explored'. 



Smith said:


> Houston plays the right tune over the radio as we enter alien territory with tentative lips. I'm rusty, she's new, but our confidence grows. The take-off has us gasping for breath. We hold on tighter, tongues interlock, and she grips the hair on the back of my head.




You naturally set the mood and tone by introducing music, foreign surroundings, and anticipation. You've been in this situation before! This is what makes writing believable. You should try to experience something before you can write about it. Without these vital details, it's difficult to depict such an intimate scene and allow the reader to engage. Good job. 



Smith said:


> I entertain the thought of untying something else.




:read::emmersed:[-X



Smith said:


> "It's almost ten," she says, stopping abruptly.


 
As a male writer, I am glad you put her dialogue first. Also, it's admirable to see time put into perspective over the needs and desires. 




Smith said:


> That's the time her parents told her to be home by. She's shown me what happens when she's late. I figure enough chances have been taken, and I put the car in gear.




Good job! The beauty in character building is taking and applying life lessons to reality. I would want young readers to follow. 




Smith said:


> Windows down, the ride falls quiet. But we're both okay with it. With her head resting on me, beautiful and long black hair draping down my shoulder, we lose ourselves in thinking. Wondering what the other is wondering about. Our date at the movies is already repeating like a film-reel in my brain.


 

I know _that _quiet ride. The "_time is almost up_" ... _our _time .. for the _day _.. is almost up - feeling. This is why I think it's a nice touch to address mutual acceptance for this silence. This is a nice reflective moment. It's soothing. 




Smith said:


> I'm afraid taking a drink of water might wash away her cherry lipstick. It tastes as good as it looks on her. Besides, I like her leaning on me too much to move my arm, and my hand's occupied with her thigh. She has a hand placed the same on me, using her nails just right to get me going.


 

You're a sentimental type. Women dig that! I even dig that. I use it in my writing. I use it in general. It's a nice touch to any character, especially inside. I would suggest omitting, 'besides' as it sets off too casual for what lead up to the word used. I know exactly what you mean about the nails. _Mmm... do I miss that. _

I will finish this soon. My mom wants to watch _Jurassic World_ together. lol


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## Warri0r0fG0d

Personally, i love the vagueness of this. It leaves you wondering: did he really hurt her? How did he respond to the verdict? What happens when she's late? I love the mystery behind this short story! Although I would be super interested if it were expanded upon as well.


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## Smith

Warri0r0fG0d said:


> Personally, i love the vagueness of this. It leaves you wondering: did he really hurt her? How did he respond to the verdict? What happens when she's late? I love the mystery behind this short story! Although I would be super interested if it were expanded upon as well.



First, welcome to the forums! Hope you enjoy your time here. 

Thanks for reading; glad you enjoyed it. I'm considering doing another revision to try and make it as clear as possible that the narrator didn't actually hurt her. I think I know of the two areas I can change to accomplish this. We will see; the more I think about it, the more I feel that while it's all been a wonderful exercise, that maybe I'm trying to mix oil and water.

Cheers,

-Kyle


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## GoodBadger

Hello. I enjoyed reading this. Your ability to create atmosphere and insinuate action is there, along with the creation of a few clever turns of phrase and subtle use of metaphor. I think by imposing a word limit on yourself (if indeed you did?) your succinctness benefits the story and your writing voice. 
  If you do go back and make changes, which you appear to be considering, please add a link to this thread as I would be interested in seeing how you tweak the story. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## malone76

Excellent writing. I really enjoy your writing style. Like the others said, maybe be a little more specific. I wasn't sure if they had actually had sex or not. Keep it up though, I enjoyed it.


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## Smith

GoodBadger said:


> Hello. I enjoyed reading this. Your ability to create atmosphere and insinuate action is there, along with the creation of a few clever turns of phrase and subtle use of metaphor. I think by imposing a word limit on yourself (if indeed you did?) your succinctness benefits the story and your writing voice.
> If you do go back and make changes, which you appear to be considering, please add a link to this thread as I would be interested in seeing how you tweak the story.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Happy to hear! Thank-you!

The word limit was an attempt to try and honor the rules of the LM Fiction Competition on here (this was originally a submission for that contest; 650 word limit). I agree that in terms of this experimentation, that there's definitely plenty to learn from the word limit, although it's hard to say that I couldn't have made it better had I been given more space. It was definitely a good challenge though, and I agree that I think in regards to the turns-of-phrase and what not it helped the voice.

You should get two notifications from me liking and thanking your post. But I will send you a PM just in case.

Welcome to the forums Badger,

-Kyle


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## ArtBlinked

Hello Kyle!

I went hunting for some of your work and have to say your writing is splendid. I love the imagery and comparisons, celestial oceans, alien territory, a relationship that starts with reckless abandon. Your voice makes reading the story easy and fun. 

Also, I dare say this story toys with your emotions! At first I'm happy for them, then dismayed to find she was a crazy girlfriend out to get him, and then saddend to think she did it out of self preservation. 

It leaves me wanting to know more about her situation. Even hoping for a rescue. A second read leaves me wondering a lot of things. Is she pregnant? What was it that made them separate in the beginning? Was it an abusive father? Or maybe  she really is crazy -even hurting herself to manipulate those around her. Although personally I favor the idea she's the one in distress. 

It really makes you wonder and I like it. The ending is good too. Him forgiving her despite it all draws me to him. 

I thoroughly enjoyed it! And I think I'll go explore some more of your writing next chance I get.


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## Smith

ArtBlinked said:


> Hello Kyle!
> 
> I went hunting for some of your work and have to say your writing is splendid. I love the imagery and comparisons, celestial oceans, alien territory, a relationship that starts with reckless abandon. Your voice makes reading the story easy and fun.
> 
> Also, I dare say this story toys with your emotions! At first I'm happy for them, then dismayed to find she was a crazy girlfriend out to get him, and then saddend to think she did it out of self preservation.
> 
> It leaves me wanting to know more about her situation. Even hoping for a rescue. A second read leaves me wondering a lot of things. Is she pregnant? What was it that made them separate in the beginning? Was it an abusive father? Or maybe  she really is crazy -even hurting herself to manipulate those around her. Although personally I favor the idea she's the one in distress.
> 
> It really makes you wonder and I like it. The ending is good too. Him forgiving her despite it all draws me to him.
> 
> I thoroughly enjoyed it! And I think I'll go explore some more of your writing next chance I get.



Hey there Blink, thank-you for reading. Glad you enjoyed it! ^_^

It's loosely based on a movie-date I went on with a girl who was a little younger than me when I was a senior last year. I found out she was bad news after the fact, of course. She proceeded to make up a weird story about how she couldn't remember what happened and asked me if we "did anything".

Nothing ever came of it luckily. She had some issues, and was a liar, presumably for attention. Nobody believed her, and I also embarrassed her in front of all her friends because my response to her question was "Why would I have wanted to?" I'm not a psychopath; I don't like being a jerk. But those kinds of accusations, even if only HINTED at, can ruin your life. Especially for guys, in this day and age. College campuses are notorious for false-accusations.

Thinking about writing a "Girl Who Cried Wolf" story for teens, with illustrations. /kek

Seriously though, I'm quite fortunate her "friends" didn't trust her anymore to begin with, and liked me. I actually felt quite sorry for her. I now know what it feels like to be truly hated by somebody when you've done nothing wrong to them. It's a very strange feeling. Needless to say, I'm convinced it was karma for something I did back in middle-school.

Or really, for a lot of things I did.

Anywayyy, I appreciate the feed-back. I believe you've helped me pin-point one other area where a little more clarity could be made. It should read: "... and God only knows what would've happened to her if I hadn't **lied* *about raping her."

In the end this was a great experiment, but I feel like the piece was much better without the court-bit. I feel like what I was trying to say with the court-bit ruins what's set-up in the car scene, and ought to be realized in a separate work, if at all.

Cheers Blink, 

-Kyle


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## ArtBlinked

Smith said:


> Hey there Blink, thank-you for reading. Glad you enjoyed it! ^_^
> 
> It's loosely based on a movie-date I went on with a girl who was a little younger than me when I was a senior last year. I found out she was bad news after the fact, of course. She proceeded to make up a weird story about how she couldn't remember what happened and asked me if we "did anything".
> 
> Nothing ever came of it luckily. She had some issues, and was a liar, presumably for attention. Nobody believed her, and I also embarrassed her in front of all her friends because my response to her question was "Why would I have wanted to?" I'm not a psychopath; I don't like being a jerk. But those kinds of accusations, even if only HINTED at, can ruin your life. Especially for guys, in this day and age. College campuses are notorious for false-accusations.
> 
> Thinking about writing a "Girl Who Cried Wolf" story for teens, with illustrations. /kek
> 
> Seriously though, I'm quite fortunate her "friends" didn't trust her anymore to begin with, and liked me. I actually felt quite sorry for her. I now know what it feels like to be truly hated by somebody when you've done nothing wrong to them. It's a very strange feeling. Needless to say, I'm convinced it was karma for something I did back in middle-school.
> 
> Or really, for a lot of things I did.
> 
> Anywayyy, I appreciate the feed-back. I believe you've helped me pin-point one other area where a little more clarity could be made. It should read: "... and God only knows what would've happened to her if I hadn't **lied* *about raping her."
> 
> In the end this was a great experiment, but I feel like the piece was much better without the court-bit. I feel like what I was trying to say with the court-bit ruins what's set-up in the car scene, and ought to be realized in a separate work, if at all.
> 
> Cheers Blink,
> 
> -Kyle



Dang, that sounds like a nightmare experience with that girl. I can see how it would spark a story though. Some people are dangerous in their screwed-up'ness, even if they're too selfish to realize it.  

But again, I will say the first part of the story was really beautiful. Honestly, that kind of voice is what I aim for in my writing. Makes me want to read more.


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## Smith

^That means a lot to me, thank-you.


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