# G-Man



## ClosetWriter (Aug 16, 2012)

*I* am not a religious man. My feelings about religion are nothing more than my own conclusions. Offending anyone is not my goal. I am however very spiritual and events in my life have opened the door to spirituality in a way I never saw coming. I would like to share those events with you, and my hope is that I can touch those who read beyond this paragraph. To those who read on – you have given my life purpose, and I thank you for that. To those who don’t, in the words of Johnny Carson, “May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your shorts”

For two years I have been battling cancer – prostate cancer. Honestly, I am tired of everything to do with it. I am tired of doctor appointments. I am tired of traveling for treatments, and examinations. I am tired of hospitals, and waiting rooms. I am tired of needles, and blood draws. I am tired of waiting for test results. I am tired of the anxiety, and self-loathing that comes along with all of the above. It is plain, and simple, getting old.

I have wondered over and over how this happened to me. I have read everything I could find on the subject, and I still have no answers. In reality the curse is not that I have cancer, but that I have no answers. In fact, believe it or not, the very fact that I have cancer I see as a blessing. Now, before you go thinking that is hogwash, let me explain. Of course I am not happy that I have a horrible disease that will most likely take my life, but I am happy that I have found something that has forced me to look at the world, and my place in it, in a different light. Something that I know I would have never done without cancer.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not personally witness another human being who gets worked-up about something; whenever I do, it saddens me. To be honest – I am not sure if it is because I feel compassion for them, or if it is because that I know that I have wasted fifty-years of my own life doing the same thing. I guess it doesn’t really matter why it does just as long as I am conscious to the emotion that overcomes me at that moment. 

I don’t want to sound as if I have some Gandhi-like attribute that allows me any more insight into life than anyone else has – because I don’t. I do, though, have a little voice in my head that always says, “Relax – it’s not that bad.” Sometimes, when I know the individual who is getting upset, I tell them just that. Those who know me, and what I am up against, seem to feel a little embarrassed that they allowed themselves to get worked up over their issue. I admit that I use my health issue as a tool to make them think, but I don’t do it for pity. I do it to help that person get out of the state of stress that they are in. If I were a super-hero, my power would be ‘guilt.’ I have come to the conclusion that it is okay for me to use my power as long as my intent is for good, and not for evil, and 'good' is always my intent.

It is not easy having this power. I often forget I have it, and allow even myself to get worked up over dumb things like arguing with a satellite company on the phone for several hours (I don’t give up easily). Eventually I realize the wrong of my way, and take a few deep breaths. That is usually followed by the self-loathing, and then hearing a voice in my head saying, “Let it go – it’s not worth it.” That voice helps me understand that I shouldn’t waste even one second on things that are only visible in the rear-view mirror (even those that may be closer than they appear). 

So, to all my family, friends, colleagues, and to the occasional random stranger – if you find yourself, angry, irritated, upset, and red in the face, and then out of no where you hear someone say, “Relax – it’s not that bad,” don’t be surprised if you turn to find me standing there with my cape, mask, and giant ‘G’ across my chest. 

Do you think I need a side-kick?


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## Bloggsworth (Aug 16, 2012)

I hear that the latest Batman died a death, so Robin should be available...


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## The Backward OX (Aug 17, 2012)

I don’t believe in God either.

I don’t know whether or not I’m spiritual.

But I do have cancer, and I do know a bit about the prostate.

Last things first: I have BPH, or benign prostatic hyperplasia; in other words, an enlarged prostate gland. So I read a bit about it, now and again.

Here’s an interesting thing: My partner’s father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and the treatment he had was a total orchiectomy - or orchidectomy in Britain – removal of both the testes. This stops the production of testosterone. Testosterone feeds prostate cancer. So, remove the testes, and there’s a chance the cancer will stop growing. It worked for him, as his next PSA result was back down to within the normal range.

Okay, now on to my cancer. I too see it as a possible blessing in disguise, but not for reasons anything like yours. We think it started as a tumour in my lung, however there were no early symptoms, so there was no early diagnosis. Now, one specialist has speculated that the disease may have spread far enough to be incurable. This is where the blessing in disguise comes in. At my age, 76, without cancer I could’ve been facing another 10-15 years of the extreme aches and pains, and general debility, of very old age. But cancer kills, and quickly, with luck, so I’ll be refusing any life-extending treatment, and accepting only palliative care of symptoms, until I’m gone. I’ve lived my life, now I want out. 

Maybe I’ll start believing in God, and convert to Islam, while there’s still time. Then there’ll be those 72 virgins waiting for me. :evil:


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## Divus (Aug 17, 2012)

Ox, sorry to hear the news.   That a man of 70 plus has a prostate problem is not unusual and many of us do. I think I have adjusted to the symptoms but I do wonder what the daily dose of the wretched Finisteride and the Tamulosin does to the rest of the body.

Somewhere it is written that man's life is three score years and ten, so I suppose once we have that 70th birthday we should be saying to ourselves that we have had our share of the cake, now we are using up somebodys else's cake which they did not get around to eating themselves.   Incidentally mine's fruitcake.

I am finding it amusing how nowadays a younger man picks up those things which perhaps I should not try to lift.
And I can be cussed and contraversial and the onlookers put it down to my age.  They laugh and forgive me, so of course I play the game outrageously.   If I had said twenty years half of what I say now, I'd have been locked away years ago.

All I can say to you  as an attempt to express words of comfort is 'nil desperandum carborundum'  or words to that effect which for the under educated means 'don't let the b*st*rds grind you down'. 

You probably can't keep your pecker up  but most likely the urge has gone anyway.

Every day I look in the mirror and see this thirty year old man looking back at me  - luckily I don't have the gift of the seeing myself as the rest of the world does.   But they don't see the world as we oldies see it.

As for your idea of enjoying 72 virgins - well it all sounds very optimistic to me.   Finding 72 above the age of 16 might be a problem and servicing them would be a very long and never ending chore.   I suspect trying would be enough to turn you homosexual.

Keep up the good fight - you are going to be a long time dead.

Dv

PS They don't tell you how long the virgins have been virgins do they .... or why?


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## Divus (Aug 17, 2012)

Closet writer - in composing a reply to The Ox, I ignored your article - apologies.

We are a writing forum and I must say that your piece read easily enough.    A message came across.    I am not quite sure that you have rejected religion in the way you say you have but if you draw comfort from taking your present stand then so be it.

One point I would make though.    Anyone who has been told they have cancer - be it the curable type or the incurable sort, their attitude to life and death must have changed.      You now write as someone who has battled with prostate cancer so the condition you have to endure will strongly influence your way of thinking.      In your article you skipped over the sensitive issues of prostate induced health issues.    From time to time you will wet your pants; occasionally you might wake up and find you have wet the bed.    You will feel a need to go to the loo repeatedly.   The daily pills will reduce your sex drive.      You'll not be the same man who once paraded around naked  in front of his latest love.   And amongst a society which puts great stress on cleanliness and which is intolerant of foul odours you will become nervous of exhibiting the symptoms of your affliction.     You'll eventually get round to wearing absorbent padded pants when venturing out in public.   No more thongs for you only baggies.   
You will always want to know the exact location of the nearest toilet.     The word 'nappy' will proke a feeliong of dread.

All in all, I suspect you will have become more tolerant towards sickness generally.    But I very much doubt if you will discuss your own prostate problem with even your closest friends.

Speaking as one who has an overlarge prostate, I can readily understand the impact even the side effects have on an individual's quality of life.      Personally I also have a colonic health issue.      What p**ses me off nowadays is that every time I go to see a doctor, invariably he or she goes to the drawer and gets out a pair of disposable rubber gloves.   I am then told to drop my pants and bend over.   My dignity has gone out through the window.    My self respect has been inevitably destroyed.      No wonder it has become very necessary for me to adapt mentally to a change in my circumstances.

Methinks you may well have a vacancy for an assistant but in the advert for the position maybe you should exchange the 'G' for a 'P'.

Dv 

PS Of course, as a man it could have been a lot worse, one could have been born female.


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## Gumby (Aug 17, 2012)

I enjoyed the read, though I am sorry about the situation, ClosetWriter. I wish you luck in your fight.

 My father went through this at the age of 79. He underwent a cryogenic form of treatment and has been cancer free for six years. With this treatment, he was able to avoid the wearing of adult diapers after his recovery period of a few weeks. I don't know if you've explored this form of treatment, but it is less invasive to the body.


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 17, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> I don’t believe in God either.
> 
> I don’t know whether or not I’m spiritual.
> 
> ...


Ox,

I guess we can say we belong to the same fraternity. 

I understand your sentiment completely. I recently spoke to a friend of mine about the emotional stress that I sometimes am overcome by. I told him how important it was for me to touch people with either my writing or photography, and how I was very discouraged by what I saw as being only a small amount of people that I have been able to reach. He said something to me that really made me think. He told me that I may never know how many people I have really touched. He said just because I may not get all the responses, or feedback that I would like doesn’t mean I haven’t made an impact on their lives. Ox – I think you should think about that yourself. Saying that you want out is okay because we both know that eventually we are going to say, “Okay – it’s time – I have had enough.” However, for myself, I believe that every extra day of my life, that I live, there is a chance that I can cross paths with someone that I might be able to help. Maybe I can help them change the course of their life. I believe that is the same with all of us – you included. I wish you the best my friend and my thoughts are with you.

As for those 72 virgins -- seems like that might be a lot of work. I guess it might be worth it as long as they don't get too clingy.  

Dave (ClosetWriter)


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 17, 2012)

Divus said:


> What p**ses me off nowadays is that every time I go to see a doctor, invariably he or she goes to the drawer and gets out a pair of disposable rubber gloves. I am then told to drop my pants and bend over. My dignity has gone out through the window. My self respect has been inevitably destroyed. No wonder it has become very necessary for me to adapt mentally to a change in my circumstances.QUOTE]
> 
> D,
> 
> I lost my dignity a long time ago. Whenever a friend tries to lighten the mood by joking with me about all the fingers with rubber gloves that I have had to deal with, I tell them, “It wasn’t that bad – in fact I asked the doctor out for a cup of coffee afterwards.” That usually brings a chuckle from those who understand my sense of humor (humour for you on the other side of the pond). I refuse to disregard laughter since my homeopathic doctor told me that it was the best medicine. J


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 17, 2012)

Gumby said:


> I enjoyed the read, though I am sorry about the situation, ClosetWriter. I wish you luck in your fight.
> 
> My father went through this at the age of 79. He underwent a cryogenic form of treatment and has been cancer free for six years. With this treatment, he was able to avoid the wearing of adult diapers after his recovery period of a few weeks. I don't know if you've explored this form of treatment, but it is less invasive to the body.



I have been very lucky, in that sense, but I am only 52 years old and that makes a huge difference in dealing with a lot of issues that older men have. Even if I were forced to have to deal with those sort of issues, I would manage. We all do what we have to do.

I have already undergone all forms of treatment that are currently available for my situation. My problem is that there are still aggressive cancerous cells somewhere in my body (no longer in the pelvic region). There is, currently,  not a test that can detect where they are until they metastasize.  

CW


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## The Backward OX (Aug 18, 2012)

ClosetWriter said:


> My problem is that there are still aggressive cancerous cells somewhere in my body (no longer in the pelvic region). There is, currently, not a test that can detect where they are until they metastasize.



This might be just me, but don’t ‘metastasise’ and ‘somewhere in the body’ mean more or less the same thing?

Has anyone suggested a PET scan? It utilises glucose, which the body feeds on and which is used in larger-than-normal quantities by rapidly-dividing cells (i.e., cancer), to detect the location of new sites.


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 19, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> This might be just me, but don’t ‘metastasise’ and ‘somewhere in the body’ mean more or less the same thing?
> 
> Has anyone suggested a PET scan? It utilises glucose, which the body feeds on and which is used in larger-than-normal quantities by rapidly-dividing cells (i.e., cancer), to detect the location of new sites.



Ox,

That is basically what it means. However in this case they are refering to the act of these cells, which are freely floating, to turn into another form; such as lung, bone, or another form of cancer. 

I had a PET scan when I was first diagnosed, and nothing showed up. They said I could have another one if I want right now, but because my PSA is still low it would most likely not have formed enough mass to show in a PET scan. My problem is that the biopsy showed a very aggressive form of cancer.

Many people think that PSA in not a very reliable tool, and it is not when determining if you have cancer, but it is very accurate after it has been confirmed -- it shows how fast it is spreading.


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## ScrapNook (Aug 30, 2012)

This is great closet writer!  You don't know it but in a way we are kindred spirits.  I went through stage III breast cancer. And while I don't wish cancer on anyone, I wish the lessons I learned to be shared. That is the story I am in the process of trying to tell. 

Great writing.  Great introduction about yourself and honesty.


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## The Backward OX (Aug 30, 2012)

ClosetWriter said:


> However, for myself, I believe that every extra day of my life, that I live, there is a chance that I can cross paths with someone that I might be able to help. Maybe I can help them change the course of their life. I believe that is the same with all of us – you included.



I have no wish to appear rude. However, to _assume_ that someone about whom nothing is known would wish to change others’ lives is simple ignorance. And besides, most people don’t want to be helped anyway - try sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted, and half the time you’ll get your head punched in.


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## ScrapNook (Aug 31, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> This might be just me, but don’t ‘metastasise’ and ‘somewhere in the body’ mean more or less the same thing?
> 
> Has anyone suggested a PET scan? It utilises glucose, which the body feeds on and which is used in larger-than-normal quantities by rapidly-dividing cells (i.e., cancer), to detect the location of new sites.



Never mind


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 31, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> I have no wish to appear rude. However, to _assume_ that someone about whom nothing is known would wish to change others’ lives is simple ignorance. And besides, most people don’t want to be helped anyway - try sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted, and half the time you’ll get your head punched in.



Ox... No problem -- I don't see your comment as rude. I think that you are probably right in most cases; however I also think that we can make a difference by simply planting a seed. I guess I learned that from my father (he always made an attempt to be kind to people). I am not quite sure if you are saying that you don't believe that I would care about people whom I don't know, or something else. I guess that maybe I am different if that isn't normal.

In no way do I intend to imply I am some sort of saint -- I'm not. I can say this... cancer has changed my life in ways most could not imagine. I was once quite self-centered; rarely considerate of others. Now I always try to think of others, and consider what it is that they are angry about. The very fact that I am this way now has to do with a seed that my father planted long ago. He took an under-privileged-mentally-disabled boy fishing forty-years ago. To this day I can still see the smile on that boys face when he caught a fish. We can make a difference in people lives, and for me I see no greater gift that we can leave behind. I was so touched by my father’s gesture, yet I never said a word about it to anyone until a few days before he died from cancer. I took him for a ride to the exact spot that our fishing trip took place. I then informed him, as the tears were pouring down my face, that his act of kindness has been on my mind for all these years, and I made a promise to him that I would never let people forget about who he was. I do that today by letting that seed that he planted, when I was a young boy, grow in me.


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## ClosetWriter (Aug 31, 2012)

ScrapNook said:


> This is great closet writer! You don't know it but in a way we are kindred spirits. I went through stage III breast cancer. And while I don't wish cancer on anyone, I wish the lessons I learned to be shared. That is the story I am in the process of trying to tell.
> 
> Great writing. Great introduction about yourself and honesty.



Thank you, and I wish you well in telling your story.


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