# What Poetry Is To Me (Mild Adult Content)



## Squalid Glass (Feb 26, 2012)

I recently went to a very fancy poetry reading in a bar downtown that really put me off. This is my response. All thoughts are greatly appreciated.

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EDITED VERSION LOWER IN THREAD




*What Poetry Is To Me*


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## JRBurgher (Feb 27, 2012)

Bravo.  Standing ovation.  I don't give out kudos easily, but I can relate to the last two lines.  You have a good, strong finish with this one.

I have never been to an open-mike open poetry read and have always been curious about them.  You verbalize my thoughts on them very well:  a bunch of kids with no real life experience cheering each other on as if they have talent, when they are merely copying what they heard in style and form.

Love those two last lines.  About the only thing I can think of, is whether you can bring a little more of that punch into your previous lines.  I appreciate you sharing your most inner thoughts with us.  I'm just left wanting to be hit in the gut once again with that power in those last two lines.


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## Gumby (Feb 27, 2012)

Excellent S.G.! I love this.  Can't think of a thing I would change.


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## Chesters Daughter (Feb 27, 2012)

Gumby said:


> Excellent S.G.! I love this.  Can't think of a thing I would change.



Cindy said it for me. Wow, just perfect. Kudos, SG!


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## j.w.olson (Feb 27, 2012)

I like it. Always fun to make fun of those pretentious poets.


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## SilverMoon (Feb 27, 2012)

Glass, I strain my voice in the echoing of JRBurhers accolades:* 
Bravo - Standing Ovation!

*Like yourself I had had the disconserting "opportunity" to attend a "Stuffed Shirt" writing gathering. Old Money in Port Jefferson, all attached at the hip. The men in tweed. The women scented of their award winning gardens. Pretention, personified. Every one of their words "measured" to simply impress each other. I attended twice. My last thought of the group were "I'm glad I'm not like them. I feel just fine spitting on penny loafers!"

Yes!


OK, my voice is horse!


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## Bachelorette (Feb 28, 2012)

WOW. This is all kinds of delicious. You do have a couple of extra words here and there and a rough spot or two, but overall this is a grand slam, straight out of the park. If I may...

*
In this section, I felt you had a few too many "thats" and "things". Yes, I'm being finicky, but that's what I'm here for!! ** Also, "deaf and dumb" is kind of a cliche; change the word order and it's a little bit more fresh-sounding - but even better would be finding a whole new phrase to put there.*[/QUOTE]____________________

All right. Forgive me for hacking your beautiful poem to death. If you take absolutely none of my suggestions, it'll still be beautiful. But I know you like to economize, so I was hacking with that in mind. As a personal aside, I have a particular distaste for those who insist that the only good poetry is "literary," so this really resonates with me. Thanks so much for sharing, Glass. I'll be putting this one in my collected poems folder. :wink:


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 28, 2012)

I showed this to my seminar class and they had some thoughts about it, so combined with what ya'll have given me here, this is my edit.

Thanks!

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*What Poetry Is To Me*


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## Bachelorette (Feb 28, 2012)

Lol, me again. I love your rewrite; you've taken your diamond and cut it in such a way that it shines all the more brilliantly. 

But - urgh - I can't help myself - I'm just not sure what the line "while I'm out to eat" adds to the poem, you know? When the poem was a bit wordier, it didn't really bother me because there was a lot of padding around it, but now that you've pared it down to the essentials, that line just seems superfluous. But that's all IMO; take it with a grain of salt; etc.; etc.


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## Jon M (Feb 28, 2012)

Squalid Glass said:


> The way I think it should be trimmed. Cut everything in red.
> 
> Cute poem, but I have trouble with the sentiment. Because I think most people ridicule things when they are on the outside looking in, and blissfully forget when they are 'on the inside'.


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## Gumby (Feb 28, 2012)

I like your edit Glass, very nice. The minimalist in me likes JohnM's version, too. He really got it down to the essence.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 28, 2012)

John  - thanks a lot - that helped a ton.

Here is my, hopefully, final draft. Thanks to everyone for the help!


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*What Poetry Is To Me*


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## Chesters Daughter (Feb 28, 2012)

I would have said it was impossible, but this is even more superb. Well done, SG.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Mar 7, 2012)

(My observations will reflect those of the final draft.)

This is a great peace, Mr. SG! I really liked that italicized "that" followed by the stereotype of the pretentious poet. The fashion statement made me chuckle - it's something Roberto Cavallli or Michael Kors would outright criticize with repugnance.

Line 7 was a cool manifestation of its "extension." Nice.

As for the second stanza, I can totally relate. I once wrote a series of poems for this girl I liked in school. At the end of the school year, with encouragement (more like pressure) from my friends, I decided to show them to her and admit my feelings for her. I went home alone that day listening to Rob Thomas' "This is How a Heart Breaks." X\'D

"Let poetry stay my soundboard" -> a really powerful line.

Very well done, this piece.


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## Angel101 (Mar 10, 2012)

I like the idea of this piece a lot, and I think you have a lot of great things going on. I wish I had more time to comment, but there's one particular reaction I had to this piece that I'm not sure I was supposed to have. It's probably just me, but if I'm being honest, this poem came off pretentious to me. Like the narrator isn't "_that _pretentious poet", but is still, in fact, pretentious in his own way. I had my fiance take a look as well and he had the same reaction. He and I generally read things on the same wavelength, so please keep in mind that this is probably an isolated response between us. One thing I would definitely do is take out the "whom" in the last line. It sounds cluttered and "proper" to me. And honestly, it was more the beginning than the end that gave me that air of pretention. Anyway, that's just my reaction.


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## Bachelorette (Mar 11, 2012)

Interesting take on that line, Bay. I guess I read it (and the whole first half) as self-deprecating irony. But maybe I was assuming too much?

BTW, nice to see you on the boards again.


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## Squalid Glass (Mar 11, 2012)

I'm glad that came through, angel! I was hoping the image itself would piss whoever reads it off. I was also intending that stanza to be read like a pretentious poet, so I'm glad you got that.

The whom has to stay though. Proper grammar doesnt equal pretentiousness for me.


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## JosephB (Mar 18, 2012)

Long time, no read, SG. Good concept. I went to art school, so I can relate the whole idea of people taking on all the trappings and affectations they associate with their art. Of course, that's a kind of conformity itself -- something the same folks often deride. And I don't think commenting on pretentiousness is necessarily a form of pretentiousness either. To me it's more about saying that the art, poetry, writing should speak for itself and there's no need to adopt some sort of persona that says -- hey everyone, I'm an artist!

These two lines hurt my eats a bit. Not only the repetition, but the sentence structure:



> that thing my friends make fun of me for.





> the beautiful women whom I write it for.



Problem is, if you make them grammatically correct, they'll be just as clunky. Not sure how you work around that.

Otherwise, it works for me.


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