# One Hundred Fourteen



## Reichelina (Mar 14, 2016)

He kept the lights on.
Which scared me for I cannot hide. 
He will see me as I am, afraid he won't like what he'll see.

But his stare made me feel safe. 
Accepted.
Wanted.
Loved.

We are alone together as we try to quench our thirst for each other.
He untied my hair, letting my long dark hair fall, sweeping my skin.

His dark eyes still locked into mine. 

How can he stare like this! 
I felt my heart beat faster and faster.
And faster.

Like a prisoner given his freedom, he peeled me out of my clothes into his arms.
I should have felt the cold winter air but his naked arms held me tight, warmed me.

Then he loved me.
His fingers traced every curve, every line, every part of me.
His lips left no inch of my skin untouched.
His body pressed into mine as he made me his own.
His own.

Still inside me, we laid there under the moonlight exchanging words of lullabies. 
In that moment, he did not just become the center of my world.
He became my world.


Note: Comments are very much appreciated but please be gentle. Haha.  I just write and write and I'm probably doing a lot of mistakes and not knowing about it. Haha.


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## PrinzeCharming (Mar 20, 2016)

Reichelina said:


> Note: Comments are very much appreciated but please be gentle. Haha.  I just write and write and I'm probably doing a lot of mistakes and not knowing about it. Haha.



Oh, trust me. I'll be gentle.

I'll do something different. I am going to comment the way I read it. Ready? 

*Keep note *- I make words blue to show tense change (present, past, etc). 



Reichelina said:


> He kept the lights on. (Okay, why? What's there to see?)
> Which scared me for I cannot hide. (Darkness is usually scary, so this is a matter of being insecure. Vulnerability and exposure.)
> He will see me as I am, afraid he won't like what he'll see. (This confirms previous comment.)
> 
> ...




The passion here is evident. I can relate well with the man. I cannot make love to a woman with the lights off. I am afraid I'll miss everything. I'll miss the goosebumps that lie above her skin when I caress her passionately. I will miss the smallest details when her arousal is peaked. He, too, wants to embrace this. She is insecure, but he communicates a different message. "It's okay. Release the tension. Let me love you." The emotions build up throughout this piece. You can feel her arousal aligned with his. They want each other. They want to spend quality time together. Intimacy becomes more than just an act of love, but a committed bond together. The imagery behind the prisoner metaphor sends a lot of messages. Someone deprived ready to become released. He was ready for this moment. She was too. This was extremely sensual. I absolutely love your way to express these themes throughout. Pay close attention to the verb tenses marked in blue. Instead of, "He will see," I expected, "He saw" or "He has seen me as I am." Great job! Time for a cold shower.


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## Reichelina (Mar 20, 2016)

PrinzeCharming said:


> Oh, trust me. I'll be gentle.
> 
> I'll do something different. I am going to comment the way I read it. Ready?
> 
> ...



Well, this was my first time (posting on here), so thank you for being gentle.  I appreciate it.  

I will take note of your comments, sir. Thank you so much.  merci.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 24, 2016)

He kept the lights on.
Which scared me for I cannot hide. 
He will see me as I am, afraid he won't like what he'll see.

Lovely first line, five words and we know exactly where we are, physically and emotionally. "Which scared me for I cannot hide." Tense mix, 'could not'. The switch to future in the next line works, it is as though she is thinking back to how she felt.

"as we try to quench" qualifying things always weakens them a little. That may be what you want, but consider 'quenching' on its own.

All the best, Olly.

PS, why the title?


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## Reichelina (Mar 25, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> He kept the lights on.
> Which scared me for I cannot hide.
> He will see me as I am, afraid he won't like what he'll see.
> 
> ...



Thank you!

I've been writing unrelated short stories and excerpts and this is the 114th. HAHA.


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## LeX_Domina (Apr 3, 2016)

Everyone pretty much picked on the grammar parts/wording parts I was going to go at so I'm just gonna post based on the emotional depth.I was very much pulled into this and I could feel that there was love between these too instead of unbridled lust (which is not always  bad). There was the uneasiness and the acceptance that was very much realistic and beautiful.


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## Yumea (Apr 6, 2016)

I have no constructive criticism to give here, I think everybody who previously commented did a great job at doing so. I just wanted to stop by and say how much I loved reading this! 
The passion, the feelings, the connection between the two really drew me in.



Reichelina said:


> He kept the lights on.
> Which scared me for I cannot hide.



I especially loved these two lines, they are so strong and show so much emotion. 
Me gusta.


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## Reichelina (Apr 6, 2016)

LeX_Domina said:


> Everyone pretty much picked on the grammar parts/wording parts I was going to go at so I'm just gonna post based on the emotional depth.I was very much pulled into this and I could feel that there was love between these too instead of unbridled lust (which is not always  bad). There was the uneasiness and the acceptance that was very much realistic and beautiful.





Yumea said:


> I have no constructive criticism to give here, I think everybody who previously commented did a great job at doing so. I just wanted to stop by and say how much I loved reading this!
> The passion, the feelings, the connection between the two really drew me in.
> 
> 
> ...




Hi Lex and Yumea! Thanks for taking the time to read this! 
I appreciate it! 

There is nothing sweeter than being accepted for who you are, right? 
--love-- 

Hope you guys have a nice day!


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## escorial (Apr 17, 2016)

proetry for me.....you have a feel for words and use them for dramatic effect...intense even and i get that but sometimes less is more and like this piece the emotional content out weighs the narrative.....you could use a little bit of filler along the way and let your words build as they go rather than try to fill the words with constant meaning..nice read


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## H.Brown (May 2, 2016)

I enjoyed this piece of writing the issues I picked up on seem to have already been stated in the comments above but I got a nice feel for your writing the pace was even and flowing throughout. Overall a nice piece of writing that drew me in emotionally and made me want to read more.
H.


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## Bard_Daniel (May 22, 2016)

Reichelina said:


> Still inside me, we laid there under the moonlight exchanging words of lullabies.
> In that moment, he did not just become the center of my world.
> He became my world.



Good, intense ending. A great way to finish up strong.

Thanks for the read!


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## albertjacc (Aug 22, 2016)

Nice story,but i feel something here...me,i do not use the same word in a sentence twice.The sentence with the hair was the only one that i would change.If it was my story,the sentece would sound like this:He untied my long dark hair,allowing it to fall,sweeping my moist skin.I just added a small something that i really like.This is just how i do things,it doesn't mean you should do the same.The idea itself is good,i kind of understand the girl's insecurity.


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