# Honey



## Squalid Glass (Aug 10, 2012)

I've been playing a lot with this piece - not sure I've been able to find the exact words and enjambment I want. This version is like version 50 as far as the lines are concerned - I just can't decide if I like it in two lines or as a slower piece in a few, syllabic stanzas. I was hoping to get some feedback on where it's at now. The poem is inspired by a Jesus and Mary Chain song. All help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

_______________________


*Honey*
_After William & Jim Reid_


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## Bloggsworth (Aug 10, 2012)

Evening SG, like the idea, assume the intent is a nod to oriental minimalism, a sort of poetic gravel garden.  I have a problem with _sticking *on* me, _I think _*to *me_ is correct is sticking is really an active process, _stuck to me_ would be correct, but that would have been then and the poem is now - OK, you colonials do have what to we on this side of the pond are odd usages - Speak with, hitting on, that sort of thing, we'll forgive you that in conversation.... just. I shall play with some layout in order that you may look at them afresh. I'm not saying any of them is right, but as you didn't do them, you won't already have a favourite.

A thought - dribble instead of drip, or slip instead of drip - drip is as weak a word as it sounds


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 10, 2012)

Thanks for the layouts - when I have time tonight I'll go over them all. I went back and forth for a long time on on vs. to. Originally I had to but I was afraid of two things: 1, I didn't want any room for a literal interpretation. 2, I was afraid the meaning would change in that it would be she is stuck to me whereas with on gives room for the idea that I am stuck on her. Does that make sense? I wanted a little room for a double meaning and to just made it a little too one sided for me. Does that make sense or am I syntactically overthinking this?


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## Bloggsworth (Aug 10, 2012)

Squalid Glass said:


> Thanks for the layouts - when I have time tonight I'll go over them all. I went back and forth for a long time on on vs. to. Originally I had to but I was afraid of two things: 1, I didn't want any room for a literal interpretation. 2, I was afraid the meaning would change in that it would be she is stuck to me whereas with on gives room for the idea that I am stuck on her. Does that make sense? I wanted a little room for a double meaning and to just made it a little too one sided for me. Does that make sense or am I syntactically overthinking this?



Hmm, that doesn't work as the _sticking_ word is active on her part, so she is sticking to/on you - I can understand what you are aiming for, but feel that you have missed the target. If I am right, what you are trying to say is:

_She is honey, I am stuck -_ this works both ways as you could either have inadvertantly been trapped or you were, like Poo Bear, attracted to the honey... OK, you will have to find a more poetic way of saying it, but is that the essence?


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 10, 2012)

Partly, but still not enough of a double meaning. I want to evoke the idea that I am "stuck on her" (i.e in love with her) while at the same time she is the honey so technically she is stuck on me. I can't think of a way to express that.


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## Fats Velvet (Aug 10, 2012)

My one problem with this otherwise good slice of a poem is the interjection of "the beehive dries" and "drip away".  The jump from narration to blunt statement was an especially noticeable shift in tone that did not, in this case, work to the poem's benefit.  In effect it pulled me away from the intimacy you describe in the rest of the poem.  The problem I have with "drip away" is that things tend to drip _down_.  Granted, "away" is a relative term but I am having difficulty imagining a drip as a pull; what you are shooting for is a couple losing the glue that binds.  The honey metaphor is actually brilliant, even though I required your explanation to appreciate it fully.  As you say, it is a difficult idea to express, especially in a poem this short, but your commitment to that form is admirable.  No doubt you can pull it off.  I enjoy this piece as is, imperfections and all. 

And I think the layout you have already have is fine.


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## Bloggsworth (Aug 11, 2012)

Squalid Glass said:


> Partly, but still not enough of a double meaning. I want to evoke the idea that I am "stuck on her" (i.e in love with her) while at the same time she is the honey so technically she is stuck on me. I can't think of a way to express that.




Difficult to do without getting wordy - I'll mull...


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 14, 2012)

This is the only solution I could come up with. Not elegant, but I'm at a loss. Notice the use of "she." Let me know if the twist in grammar works its purpose or it ya'll think it's unnecessary. Thanks again!

__________


*Honey*
_After William & Jim Reid_


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## dannyboy (Aug 14, 2012)

why not

She is honey, but,
in time, will slip by – beehives dry.


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## Fats Velvet (Aug 14, 2012)

She sticks to me as honey but,
in time, will slip away- beehives dry.


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## Cran (Aug 14, 2012)

if you want the play of _stuck on_, then perhaps shift the opening focus 


_(I am) stuck on honey, but in time
She will slip by - beehives dry_


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