# I'm Back with a two for



## Pelwrath (Oct 25, 2019)

Greetings and salutations to you all. I've had a recent spat of unemployment, which ends on Monday the 28th.  You learn a lot about yourself and your family during such times.  I'm posting two poems, one I wrote during that time and the other is a prose poem I'm reading at the memorial service for my dad who died of cancer on Sept. 5th. Of course comments on all are welcome. I've been told I was missed and you have idea how such a statement helped and meant to me. On to the poems.

*No TITLE
*
The soaring falcon
a tempting vole

Each has a duty
each has a job

if the job goes away
does duty stay?

Suns warming rays
maybe that's why the falcon soars?

seeds of grass, seeds of life
the vole is what he eats.




*My Dad*

My uncovered emotions, by his perceived, journey’s end. His life was innocent of my youthful blames.
I’ll miss his soul touching eyes and joy of laughing, yet my mind will always see his face.
I’ll miss his stern warnings and words of pride, though my ears will always echo with his voice.
Four, two, three, and finally none, our journey isn’t done.
I drive to work and about, with an extra passenger in the car.





*Soaring Falcon v2
*
Arial perfectionist
silhouetted in the sun.
Scanning fields for raptors delight.
Are they ripe for gleaning?


Warming rays for currents and blades
yellow lion’s food drifting to ground.
Farming voles scampering between shadows,
defiantly aware of life's circular fate.



Sun and wind, death and life
Shadow runner and eater of seeds
planting food and birthing ideas
like soaring knight against the sun.


*Soaring Falcon 3 *[RH, I hope I've accomplished what you meant.]

Soaring falcon
Tempting vole

Job moves
duty follows

strikes required for this duty
doing a job for nuts

Suns warming rays
allow both to navigate their seas.

Seeds of grass, seeds of life,
you don’t become what you eat.

You eat because of what you’ve become.


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## Darkkin (Oct 25, 2019)

Pelwrath said:


> Sorry for your loss, Pel.  That being said, I will not attempt to critique the prose piece as it might hit on a soft spot...the no title piece on the other hand...is in need of some TLC.
> 
> *No TITLE
> *
> ...



I like the idea, but this feels rushed and more than a little lopsided.  Take some time and flesh out the stanzas a bit.  Show the impact of how relationships can shift if something falls out of balance.  Also, lose the rhyme scheme.  I know this is something you struggle with, but it is something that needs to be consist or left off entirely.

- D.


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## Pelwrath (Oct 25, 2019)

Darrkin,
    Thanks for your comments and yes it was a rather hasty put together poem, as I was pondering a worst cse over a few things that had been going on in my life, at that time.  When time allows I'll revise this poem.


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## Chip W (Oct 29, 2019)

I have to agree with the previous comments, and in particular the ending which I found especially jarring. I was soaring, then I crashed. I suspect some of my own poems suffer equally.


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## Tiger (Oct 31, 2019)

Beautiful words, I was really touched by your second piece, well done. I have no more to say about it.


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## Firemajic (Nov 2, 2019)

Pelwrath said:


> Greetings and salutations to you all. I've had a recent spat of unemployment, which ends on Monday the 28th.  You learn a lot about yourself and your family during such times.  I'm posting two poems, one I wrote during that time and the other is a prose poem I'm reading at the memorial service for my dad who died of cancer on Sept. 5th. Of course comments on all are welcome. I've been told I was missed and you have idea how such a statement helped and meant to me. On to the poems.
> 
> *No TITLE
> *
> ...




Hello, Poet Pelwrath, I am so sorry for your loss, but it is nice to see you posting again... I agree with DarKKin's critique... You have the bones for a unique poem , but as a reader, there is a real disconnect from the Falcon, I would love to view the Vole from this predator's keen eye....


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## PiP (Nov 2, 2019)

Welcome back, Pel. You have been missed!

I felt moved by the poem dedicated to your Dad. I particularly liked the closing line


> I drive to work and about, with an extra passenger in the car.



It is true, I still feel my father's presence.

Are you familiar with this poem?
[h=1]Death Is Nothing At All[/h]






By Henry Scott-Holland More Henry Scott-Holland


Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland


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## Theglasshouse (Nov 2, 2019)

Sorry for your loss pelwrath. How about looking for some ambiguity, in the images? By making the theme more apparent but unstated for the reader. I know this is a tough subject. Also if you use symbolism it makes your poem richer for the reader's interpretation. For example by using metaphors and similes that can help you. There are many unique angles one can explore of an incident. I think pip posted a link to a poem. The statement death is nothing could be a decent theme too and helps you choose specific imagery to fit the theme. This what I just typed are some of the golden nuggets of information I typed out of a how to write poetry book. I know it by heart already. I hope this helps you rethink the poem since it seems it will go through a second draft. Journaling and comparing two experiences is like a metaphor in and off itself. Been reading some posts and poems. To me this advice seems golden even though I have to attempt a poem at some point. I haven't tried since I am a complete neophyte. But when I do these guidelines seem to be good. You've got the concrete imagery. It's something I struggle to do. I hope something I wrote was helpful. I have a book on writing poetry. I wish it was more helpful. I will read some more of the poetry book. It's been a busy day and haven't had the chance. I read that emotion, imagery can be important to constructing a poem and a message. There are many takes on your subject. Look for something new to say by using the language that writers of poetry have created from time to time (besides metaphor or whatever you can think up and are able to create).


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## Darren White (Nov 3, 2019)

Welcome back Pel. Sorry to hear about your father 
You have had good comments, I will not add to it, just wanted to welcome you.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 3, 2019)

Fire, glad that you’re around and thanks for your insight and kind words. I’ve been toying with different versions and came up with a thought, yeah it’s dangerous when I think about poetry, could this poem benefit from alternating stanzas between falcon and vole?
It good to be back.  Things are settling but life is looking better.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 3, 2019)

Pip, thanks for your comment. I’m not familiar but will become so with that poem.  Again, my thanks to you and all those who missed me and offered their help and thoughts.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 3, 2019)

Glasshouse, I mentioned it was rushed but I was attempting symbolism The falcon as father, authority and the vole as child, learning, no forethought.  You’ve offered some excellent directions for me to pursue. Thank you for your thoughts and words.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 3, 2019)

Darren, sometimes simple is as effective as in-depth in life and in poetry.   Thank you.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 5, 2019)

Sorry about your dad, Pel. That's tough. My dad passed 10 years ago and it feels like yesterday. I miss him.
 Your last line is a tear-jerker. Well said.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 7, 2019)

I posted a revision for the falcon poem.


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## Firemajic (Nov 8, 2019)

Pelwrath said:


> *No TITLE
> *
> The soaring falcon
> a tempting vole
> ...



First stanza, last line... remove "are they".... just a thought...
2nd stanza, 2nd line*** not sure how that imagery works with the other imagery...

This { IMO} reads more cohesively.... How do you feel about it?


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## Pelwrath (Nov 8, 2019)

Fire, thank you for your comments and suggestions. I made it smoother, I feel it’s easier to ready and yes, a more cohesive poem.  Maybe I’ll do that.  I can still have it as a question. Thanks for that idea.


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## Theglasshouse (Nov 8, 2019)

This was entertaining to read. I like the knight's image appearing in the poem towards the end. Sounds a bit like Shaekspeare or Milton by using fate as the emblem/symbol or the message. I don't know much about british poetry, but did take a course as an assignment in high school. Shakespeare enjoyed writing about those themes like time such as his poem with the famous waves as symbolic in one of his poems (as expected shakespeare was the main author we read and we did read poems). The circle "image" creates a conflict and contradiction and imo the knight's image creates a resolution. I'm impressed. I definetly felt the poem's emotions.


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## RHPeat (Nov 9, 2019)

*No TITLE  — maybe (prey and predator) (Vole & Falcon)(cycle of death and life)
*
The soaring falcon
a tempting vole

Each has a duty
each has a job

if the job goes away
does duty stay?

Suns warming rays
maybe that's why the falcon soars? — cut (maybe that's why) of course it is why. We don't need to hear it at all. (sun's warming rays/ the falcon soars.) just say it outright. 

seeds of grass, seeds of life
the vole is what he eats. — the vole is what (the beak shreds the vole for its young) Put some meat on the bone for the falcon. 
— Strong images in opening in closing, but the stanza 2 & 3 tell; they need to show something. Lets get back to the real chase scene. Beak and talons, tooth and striding speed. Make the hunt into a real hunt of some kind. 




*My Dad*

My uncovered emotions, by his perceived, journey’s end. His life was innocent of my youthful blames.
I’ll miss his soul touching eyes and joy of laughing, yet my mind will always see his face.
I’ll miss his stern warnings and words of pride, though my ears will always echo with his voice.
Four, two, three, and finally none, our journey isn’t done.
I drive to work and about, with an extra passenger in the car.
— Too verbose Pel. Try cutting the lines a bit more. The last line is a winner however. I've been there done that as well with my own father's death. But the body of the poem needs sharpening a bit more. Direct lanlangage. Tell it like it is. 

a pot friend RH Peat


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## Pelwrath (Nov 9, 2019)

The glasshouse, Thank you for such kind words. They are greatly appreciated.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 9, 2019)

RH, thank you for your your comments and suggestions. I do have a second version of the falcon. As for the poem about my dad.  They weren't looking for what I felt about him as much as what they felt about him.  I'm his son so of course I'd have good memories but how could I express their memories of him.  A for what I did write, yes it does need more sharpening, yet I didn't feel they were looking for sharpening and based on their comments I had my audience well pegged.


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## RHPeat (Nov 9, 2019)

Pel

Don't change the intent but shorten the lines by making them more direct in their statements. Cut conjunctions and articles for one and try to eliminate prepositional phrases. It's strong poem and the closure has real impact. Don't kill the poem by changing intent but shorten the lines. To give impact to the body of the poem like the opening and closing lines do. maybe even break the lines to give impact at the end of the lines. Start playing with it; and you'll see what I mean. Don't be afraid to say what needs to be said. Take a look at the Kenneth Patchen poems I just posted on Firemagics thread asking for poetry that we like. I think you like his poems. They are powerfully written with direct statements. He's a magician with words. He dead now but was overlooked by many in his day. He's part of the Bear era, but his poems are deep and sensitive. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## Pelwrath (Nov 9, 2019)

So, the cure was worse than the disease.  I’ll look at doing that with the original version.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 23, 2019)

Well I was at it again and have a 3rd version of Soaring Falcon. It doesn't replace V2 but goes a different direction, I hope.


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