# January 2014 - LM - Here Today, Gone Tomorrow - Scores



## Fin (Jan 23, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Here Today, Gone Tomorrow


The first competition of the year has ended and the judges are on a roll lately. The scores were in extremely fast once again. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Gavrushka, Pluralized, Leyline and Cadence for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Gavrushka**Pluralized**Leyline**Cadence**Average**Dictarium*1516171315.25*Potty*411161210.75*thepancreas11*15.515191315.62*midnightpoet*15.517161616.12*Staff Deployment*16.519171717.37*Rockoo315*1514161013.75*Smith*1317171214.75*Terry D*17.518191818.12*Folcro - The Stride of the Scholar*14.516171415.37*OliverGrey*13.514191014.12*Leyline*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*J Anfinson*1517181616.5*Darkhorse*1416171415.25*godofwine*1315161013.5*ppsage*1419181717

In third place, we have *ppsage* with his entry *Diatribe Contra Stone.*
In second, we have *Staff Deployment* with the entry *She Said.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Terry D* with his entry *The Cost.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Gavrushka’s scores]
I struggled this month with a couple of the entries, and that was perhaps more down to my ability as a judge than the entries themselves!

Scores follow:




_
[*]*Dictarium*_*
“The Man with the Magic Mind"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*

An interesting, and unexpected story. I felt the need to know how it concluded, and that must be high up on the author’s list of tick boxes when composing a story. I was disappointed that more of the 650 words weren’t handed over to his decision making. 

The opening sentence was not inviting for me, as a reader. It felt over-stuffed and could well have read better if it had been split into two sentences.  – In fact, maybe that’s where I have a little bit of an issue with it. Mr Mind is a great story to hang the words on, but at times it felt it was more about the words than the story.

__ 
_ 
[*]*Potty*_*
“Here Today, Gone Tomorrow"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: ?
Effect: ?
Overall:4*

I am at a loss as what to say. – I drew nothing, and learned nothing from the thirteen words, and simply do not know how to mark it. - I am sure it is meant as a serious entry, but I don’t possess an inkling of an idea as to what to do with it. – My thoughts had been that this was a competition for a short story, not flash fiction, and the idea was to demonstrate the writer’s skill in word-limited prose.

I think this may have to become my last sortie into the world of judging for the time being, as your entry outwitted me! 

__ 
_ 
[*]*thepancreas11*_*
“AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15.5*

This is an entertaining piece mixed with humour and an unexpected twist. You took some interesting ingredients and blended them well to entertain the reader. – There are a couple of believability issues, but I think you were right to keep the emphasis on entertainment, when faced with the choice. – ‘She has a knife to my throat. This is her third attempt to kill me.’ was a great hook, but tied to a bed and she has a knife, it may have been better suggesting she’d come _close_ to killing him three times. – You see it worked well, but then had me feeling a little cheated, as the scene was unveiled.

I think it may have been better to have the man’s sense of peril grow a little as the story developed and the morphine wore off. – I can appreciate that at first morphine can deaden not only pain, but fear too. Only the man’s coherence was affected as the story played out. – The humour could have been even more effective if peril had been added as a contrast. 

I wasn’t sure how to handle the grammar, as you’re writing in the first person. – It grates on me when people use ‘like’ as you have, - ‘She keeps showing me a picture of someone*, like*’ – Using ‘as if’ would not have detracted from the story in my opinion. Just to be clear, I didn’t mark you down on this specific matter.

I think you write well, and your use of humour could carry you a long way. – So few writers know how to employ it in their craft.

__ 

_
[*]*midnightpoet*_*
“Executive Privilege"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15.5*

A well paced and entertaining story. You packed a lot into your allocation of words. If I have a gripe, it is that I kept having to check back to remember who was who. The second read made it clearer – The issue is likely my age rather than your prose, so I did not mark you down for that. I thought the dialogue was very good, but the narration less so. I can see the dialogue was meant to be the focus of the piece, but I’d liked to see descriptions that are a little more imaginative.  ‘Peterson and Glass were on a couch by a window, munching on shrimp,’ felt more like a stage direction.

You do character interaction ever so well, and if the bits between were of the same standard, you’d have likely had a 9 from me for ‘effect’.

__

_
[*]*Staff Deployment*_*
“She Said"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*

It was an enjoyable piece, and well written, but I couldn’t help but think I was missing something. There were questions that were unanswered, and I thought it was my right to know those answers! LOL. – Was he supposed to bless the tree for her so she could remain? Why did she not ask? What did she want from him? What was he supposed to tell people about her? If she was Nature, why were there others?

It is great prose, and I mean that, but I wasn’t sure what the point was. – I didn’t feel any anxiety when she made her final plea for help, as I had no idea what the consequences for her were. – I think if this were a 2,000 word piece, and the scope of it was expanded, it would be a great commercial short story.

__ 

_
[*]*rockoo315*_*
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar:3 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15*

If this was a competition based on imagination and creativity alone, you’d have earned a A+ from me! I enjoyed it, and laughed aloud when I read the punch line. Fantastic stuff!  There were a couple of oopses in the grammar, and they did jar, but I am sure they’ll fade and disappear with practice.

*I picked it up, all of it still being in the package. –* This felt like a clumsy – ‘I picked it up, still packaged,’ may have worked better – you could leave the word ‘all’ in, but I am not sure it added anything. 

At another point, you repeat the word nostrils in two consecutive sentences, and I think the first occurrence would be better replaced with ‘nose’.  


I’m looking forward to your next piece. – If you improve a little on the technical side, you’ll be right up there! J
__ 
_
[*]*Smith*_*
“Be Yourself"
Spelling/Grammar:3.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6
Overall:13*

There were some well constructed sentences, and the opening paragraph was intriguing. Unfortunately, intrigue led me down the road to confusion as I struggled to visualise what was going on. – I know what Stockholm Syndrome is, but for the life of me, I couldn’t work out who was the hostage, or if indeed there was one – did you mean he was hostage to an embrace? The second section didn’t make it any easier. – IF I have missed something obvious, I am sorry. 

It’s a shame I couldn’t follow it as I can see you write well, but this piece was a puzzle I couldn’t unravel.  

I think the description of Christine sounded a little clichéd. 

__ 
_ 
[*]*Terry D*_*
“The Cost"
Spelling/Grammar:4 
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9
Overall:17.5*
I enjoyed this piece immensely. I loved the way words and meanings were distorted, but remained clear to the reader. Each sentence seemed to carry exactly what it should, and no more, no less, as if the prose had a rhythm bordering on poetic.

The last line was about as clever as prose can get with so few words to play with. As a reader, you left me in the shop, hoping another customer came in.



> As if by gravity she was drawn to this glass enclosed display.


 
I felt that there should have been a comma after gravity.



> ; twinkling like a star against the black velvet it lay upon.


 
I thought that *it twinkled* would have worked better here. – All I can say is that this tugged at my immersion, and that felt unwelcome.


__ 
_ 
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“The Stride of the Scholar"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14.5*

The story grew on me, the further I read into it. I think the opening paragraphs were supposed to represent the mundane, but I felt as a result that the opening was uninviting and unappealing. It was hard to distinguish between what was the style of the writing, and what was sloppy grammar. – I felt like I was owed a few hundred words more before I could reach a more informed conclusion. 

And then I read it a second time. – It did feel as a story transformed, with greater meaning – BUT you don’t get a second chance with other readers. – I feel that you should have offered more in the opening exchanges, but I recognise you want to reveal at a slow pace. For me, I feel it was slightly out.

__ 
_
[*]*OliverGrey*_*
“Good Morning"
Spelling/Grammar:2.5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:13.5*

Well, I was unprepared for this. – It was quite a breath of fresh air. – Your grammar and tenses jarred a little in places, but it was a madcap story quite well put together. I think, if you’d used more of the words on offer, you could have enjoyed an even more delightful ramble through the obscure linkage between good morning and train design!

With your imagination, I’d keep the LM entries coming.

And work a little harder on the technical side!

Thank you. I enjoyed this. J

___
[*]*Leyline*_*
“With Bad News Bob At The End Of An Era"
Judge Entry*

It’s not enough. Six hundred and fifty words are nowhere near enough for the character you’ve created. It was layer after layer of surprises, and I thoroughly enjoyed each new revelation. – What I want now, is the adventures of Bad News Bob across the decades in his various incarnations.

I felt less comfortable with the opening than with the rest of it – Not that it was anything other than good, but it did not seem to mesh quite as well. – Perhaps I just settled into the prose, but I guess the standard later on was so high that a merely good opening seemed inadequate.

I’m sure if you don’t develop this into a novel, Stephen King would love it if you were to drop him a line.

__ 
_ 
[*]*J Anfinson*_*
“We Walk Among You"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*

A powerful and poignant message and, overall, well delivered.

I’m not sure if there is an issue in the first paragraph. – Now I have read the full story and looked back, I think that first sentence is out of place. – It is reflecting on something that happened days before, and yet shares the paragraph with something that is unfolding now. It’s a good hook, but I think it needed separating, and perhaps rewording slightly.

The tension was there, but I think some of the words / phrases felt a little clichéd. – I know how well you can write, so I felt a little cheated to see he’d rocketed through streets’ and ‘screeched to a halt’. 

The closing paragraph was moving and powerful, but I just wondered if ‘scars so deep’ was quite the right phrase. 

__ 
_
[*]*Darkhorse*_*
“Grey Tomorrow"
Spelling/Grammar:  3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14*

Powerful punchy opening. Too many people seem to forget they must lure the reader into their prose, and I feel yours worked well.

I don’t know if it was a formatting issue, but at times I had to check twice before I was sure who was speaking. – I like to flow through prose, as any reader does, and as a result, it left me stuttering through it. – I felt the trigger pull was a bit of a disappointment, and you could have made more of it. – There were words that could have been robbed from elsewhere to make it a more memorable event.

On a couple of occasions, I felt the wrong form of a particular word was used, - quiet / quieten is just preference I think, but I was a little more jarred by ‘weighed so heavy’. 

I wasn’t sure about the use of ‘*He paused’*, watching the trickle; - again, this is just an observation, and a personal preference.
__ 
_
[*]*Godofwine*_*
“Four Quick Shots"
Spelling/Grammar:2.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:13*

I’m not sure this piece showcased your talent as well as it could have. I like the idea, and the setting, but there were sections that jarred. You’ve a good imagination, but this appears a little rushed.

The opening line is an important one, and the dialogue had me hooked, but then the ‘Peter said clutching...’ disengaged me. – I feel it would have been far better as ‘Peter clutched his arm...’



> An idea came to him as he looked the long alleyway and saw the *manhole* cover fifteen yards down. If he opened the *manhole *cover that could invoke some level of doubt as to the direction he went. The question now was could he lift the *manhole* cover in his condition. He’d have to find out. He shoved the PPK into a tan shoulder holster and ran toward the *manhole*.


I think, highlighted, you’ll see my issue here. – There also seemed to be a grammar oops around ‘as he looked the long alleyway’ – possibly, you meant ‘looked down’.

It’s a shame, as I can see you have the potential to write well, but the technical side is holding you back.
__ 
_
[*]*ppsage*_*
“Diatride Contra Stone"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:14*

*Boom* That was the sound of my head exploding. What is a judge supposed to do when he doesn’t understand an awful lot of what he has just read? LOL. On the plus side, my vocabulary has been livened up substantially.

As try as I might, this piece is not accessible to me, and I am at a loss as what to do. – I’ve spent over an hour trying to understand the concepts you discuss, but I’m none the wiser. 

I’d a concern last month that my literary scope was not broad enough to judge, and this piece confirms it.

I am sorry.

__
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]
Great honor to judge this round, and kudos to all you writers! I really enjoyed reading them, and I look forward to see who wins. Really good quality entries this round, everybody.


*Dictarium
“The Man with the Magic Mind”
Score: 16*


A bummed-out superhero is an interesting take on the prompt, and I like how “Mr. Mind” is all stuck in his head and struggling with his identity, despite his apparent mental power. I enjoyed the story and thought it was logical and pretty clean, but the writing is very passive and I think more direct prose would serve you better when you’re trying to make an impact with descriptions and actions. I think this story would have worked better for me if there had been some more direct element of why he had become estranged from his duties; perhaps some kind of bungled rescue or other occurrence rather than just not liking the spotlight.
Overall, I think the thing I liked most about this was how you came across in this POV with a good grasp on who your character is. Very consistent and congruous in that regard. Nice work.


*Potty
“Here Today, Gone Tomorrow”
Score: 11*


Quite clever of you. Would have scored higher if there had been more words. Full marks for punctuation and voice, however. I like throwing caution to the wind, and this is a perfect example of doing just that. Fun stuff.


*Thepancreas11
“An Unfortunate Circumstance”
Score: 15*


There’s something that almost connects here, but after rereading this, I think the ending punch line is just too discordant. The big reveal that he’s gay just isn’t that big of a concern, given her obviously maniacal actions. The sequence of events that led to him being tied up and drugged, especially given the line about meeting her in the bar and lucking out to go home with her – left me with one leg of my stool broken and my disbelief honking like a swollen gonad.


I did like the writing, though – very conversational and not a bad flow. You’ve demonstrated a pretty sound grasp of grammar, and the voice stays nice and consistent. The dialogue when she’s ranting is sort of corny and unbelievable, though. I think you could put more venom in there and really make her nasty which probably would have helped here. 


Didn’t care for the all-caps, nor the little snags like “the kindergarten,” slight logic busts in the idea of the “third attempt to kill him,” whatever that meant. Being tied up and at the mercy of a crazy person is great fodder for drama though, and I thought it was a rather fun read. The prompt may or may not be discernable, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Glad you entered, and hope you will again. 


*midnightpoet
“Executive Privilege”
Score: 17*

This story had a very Rising Sun feel to it. All you were missing was Nakamura, and maybe a better description of the shrimp tray. 


Coming out of the first paragraph, and trying to start into the dialogue part, I’m having to concentrate way too hard to figure out who’s who, mostly because you’ve alternated between first and last names and listed out their job titles. In fact, even until the restroom scene at the end, I kept backing up to see who was Peterson and who Glass was. Oh yeah, that Karen lady. Sort of a nice, wet smooch with Alice, and then, boom! She blows her up? Pretty conspicuous for an aspiring CEO. Reading through it again, after I’d figured out everyone’s first and last names, it made for a much smoother read. It still felt a little like a logic problem where I’m trying to sort out who had the dachshund and didn’t buy the chocolate ice cream at 9:45, but fifteen minutes before O’Brien.


The ending comes up quick and feels too convenient. Weren’t they in a bathroom? Where’s Peterson? Why the mention of the million dollars? Lots of narrative promises too, with the Wall Street money and Vegas and all this crime – seems like there was a missed opportunity to include a run-in with Peterson or some other tension-builder that could threaten the ease with which the ending gets her off the hook. 


Pretty decent storytelling, and despite the confusion I felt at times over the first/last names, I thought it moved along really well. Enjoyed it.


Had M.B.A. should probably be “Had an MBA”
“All the top brass were here” should maybe be “were there”


The voice is strong, and SPaG is good. Nice work.


*Staff Deployment
“She Said”
Score: 19*

You always get a lot of mileage out of the word count, Staffy. I really liked the magical tone of this thing, and the allegorical undercurrent. It’s really well done, and the dialogue is really good. 


The only thing I’ll say I wanted was more stasis and a tiny smattering of exposition to let me know what the stakes are. However, given the fact that this is such a significant and punchy ending, I think you probably knew what you were doing with this one so I’ll shut up now. 


Good job! 


*Rockoo315
“Untitled”
Score: 14*


You know, I do love a good cheese story, especially of the hallucinogenic variety. Especially involving fat guys. 


There are some issues with how this story is written, which I think might be remedied by analyzing it piece by piece. Take the introduction and lack of title, for instance. There’s no need, with a fiction story, to address the forum or have things in your narrative like “yes, dear friends…” 


Don’t get me wrong, an easy-going style is totally your prerogative. But with a short-story competition like this, you want to find yourself struggling to cut down to the word count, and not filling it up with unnecessary stuff. You have some very useful parts here, and could expand this into something very entertaining, but you’ve got to squeeze down the focus and get yourself in the narrator’s head. When he’s looking around and moving around, the description of the stale smoke and the body odor are probably not something he’s going to pick up on. Therefore, you have to tell it from his perspective. 


Maybe he leans to one side to fart, and he can smell the sweat between his folds in a mélange of fat-guy fart-funk. He also wouldn’t make a “visible” effort to walk to the fridge. He’d just walk there, and it would be described through his eyes. Maybe he trips over a pile of dirty underwear and swears under his breath. It’s small stuff like that which makes him disgusting and at the same time intriguing, without you having to tell us as much. Think Ignatius J. Reilly, the ubiquitous fat guy for the ages. I don’t know if I’m helping you or just rambling here, but I do see an underlying spark of story here that could be a lot of fun.


Thanks for entering, and cool idea for the prompt. Keep entering this thing and you’ll keep writing better and better stories.


BTW – “peaked” should be piqued. 


*Smith 
“Be Yourself”
Score: 17*


Firstly, the first scene where he’s writhing in the bed is really good, with some great tension and unpleasant sensations, which set up the second part nicely. The POV shifts a lot though, and it’s at times hard to follow. Once you dump the mirror part on us, though – it’s much more clear and I think it’s really effective and great. 


The ending is cliché and bugs me a bit, because when “Crimson red spills,” I don’t know what that means. The knife was at his neck, but maybe he killed her? Maybe she wasn’t there at all and he was just trapped in his own head, fighting out this demon-ridden schizophrenia and killed himself?


I liked the mask – very cool. There are other stories this round with masks too – strange coincidence. I think the cadence of “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow” has caused a subconscious trigger to reference “Smile Now, Cry Later,” which has a similar ring to it and people have used that in their stories. 


Technically, I just noticed that you wrote a big hunk of this in italics (I copied all the entries out and placed them in a different program, which removed that). I am not sure that’s altogether pleasant, now that I reread it on the forums… Also, I would like to point out the passive sentence here: “One dent remained in the wall as he slumped down.” I didn’t immediately get the hole in the wall. His head hit the fucking wall hard enough to put a hole in it, or at least a dent! That’s hardcore! Put some juice on it! The way it’s portrayed just doesn’t have enough impact for me. Slam his head into the wall and maybe knock some stuff off the shelf from the house shaking. Too much? I don’t know, how bad do you want that to hurt?


Overall, I think your story is complex enough to expand and explore, and having read some of the previous entries of yours, I think this shows improvement and some pretty serious focus. I liked it and I think you should share more of your work with the forums. Thanks!


*Terry D
“The Cost”
Score: 18*


Really smooth read, and a poignant story. Some very well-portrayed moments, especially with the handling of the cameo and the old woman’s soft wisdom. 


It’s hard to critique this, because it has that emotional component that will really move some people, especially if they’ve lost their mother, and leave other, more callous readers skimming and waiting for the meat of the story. There’s a great deal of nuance and patience in the story, which I think makes whatever I say kind of non-important. It stands on its own feet just fine. 


The puddling of the chain is a great image. Really liked that one. I thought the simile involving the line of smoke could have been better portrayed as tendrils from her mother’s cigarette, or some other, more embedded simile, as I didn’t really get the image of a ‘line’ of smoke. 


Entering the pluperfect tense with the flashback to the store, I think you’ve established it just fine with “Today the red door had been…” and from there the ‘had heard’ clanks against my ear, but ‘had opened’ seems necessary. However, nobody has ever really been able to explain to me the usage rules for how pluperfect must be established before zooming the camera in and making for perfect past tense narrating afterward. It seems when I’ve read the published stuff, it just takes a strategic opening of the scene and off you go. Somebody will probably have a different idea about this, so forgive my ramble.


I sort of wished the shopkeeper lady would've made her some kind of deal or given her the cameo. 


Great writing, clean and powerful. Good stuff. 


*Anonymous
“The Stride of the Scholar"
Score: 16*


So it’s kind of tough to really know what’s going on with this looted office, with all the damage and abandonment. I like how the exposition and narration intermingle; it feels well-balanced and it’s very well penned. 
For some reason, there are just enough elements that throw me a bone, but then leave me out in the cold. It has a competence about it, but there’s just something missing and I’m wondering why if there’s a cap and a tassel and a picture of a family, he’s presumed it’s the scene of a violent murder. Maybe I’m missing something but it seems like we need a little more idea of what’s at stake besides the rifle-holder taking this stoic, metaphorical stand against this population of snipers. You’ll have to forgive me if I’m just too dense and I should be getting more of the story, but as it stands it’s just too spread out for me to appreciate.


The narrator gets up and works with fools every day, but then the town is abandoned. It’s discordant, without knowing why this stasis change is important. At least to me.


The writing is good though, and I can only really pick on a couple of things: The sentence “…the sound of my rifle sliding from the desk in my hand rang in my ears” misses the mark a bit *sniper pun* and I didn’t really understand it. You know, other than that – it’s pretty clean. 


Hope something here’s helpful and I am sorry I can’t put more of a high score on this. Thanks for sharing.


*Oliver Gray 
“Good Morning”
Score: 14*


This is fun and pretty unique. Rambling, kind of messy, and only about half the word count, but still I’m glad I read it and I like your style. It’s too short, and it’s not all that prompt-related, but this is a loose prompt. 


There are a ton of ‘they’s in this. Go count ‘em. You could probably reword a bunch of those sentences to cut down on that, if it bothered you. I don’t know if most people see stuff like that, but it stood out for me.


Thanks for entering – please consider getting in on the action next month. 


*Leyline
“With Bad News Bob At The End Of An Era”
No Score – Judge’s Entry*


Very pleased you entered this, George. It’s so good. The concept of these layered masks is really powerful, and this might be the best second-person POV story I’ve read on these forums. You handled even the mask being pulled back to reveal the reader with aplomb. Brilliant stuff man. Thought the radio signals interfering with the television was a great segue into the motel room. Really liked the use of ‘caul’ as well. 


Nits – hyphenate the stuff that needs hyphenatin’ like flat-chested and hairy-armed. Sad-clown?


That’s all I got. Really clean writing, lots of emotional investment, and the ending is just flat-out awesome. Not sure if you’ll submit this for publication, but I’d be really stoked to have written something like this. 


*J Anfinson
“We Walk Among You”
Score: 17*


This is a clean, smooth story, and I think you’ve handled the drama and the sadness really well. I like how you ended it, and this kind of intense experience is intriguing and thought-provoking to read about. I know lots of guys that have seen some really unpleasant shit in war, and some handle it better than others. 


Thought the story could improve in some areas. With the connection the narrator has with the buddy’s wife, it would have been good to know a bit more about her character. Could have added a layer of punch to the ending. 


Getting through the story, you’ve got some stuff that seems like filler and takes away from the core plot motion, in my opinion. Stuff like “I screeched to a stop against the curb by their mailbox. It’s a wonder I didn’t smash into it” could be cut, and the scene stays focused on the stretcher and paramedics. That bit of word count could have been put to better use getting closer to the characters. There are a few other instances of this same kind of thing, like “It was after midnight, so…” and tripping over the lawn gnome. Seems like these superfluous details just kind of bloat the story.


There’s a funky sentence in the first paragraph where she’s called him – “wavering to the point where I understood” – that bit just didn’t feel right to me. I might be wrong to point this out, but the wording seemed funky.


That aside, it’s pretty clean. I’d like to see a small injection of some literary devices like similes or a metaphor here or there. We’ve got the gnome, and the screeching tires, and the dude’s head laying back into the water, all of which could be incorporated into a punchy bit of prose that would spice things up. The story has this really intense event, great action and potential for evocative narration, but seems a wee bit bland in the telling. 


Thanks for entering – great story overall and a great use of the prompt. 


*Darkhorse
“Grey Tomorrow”
Score: 16*


It’s a story with the same name as your profile thing! Glad you got in on the action, and I enjoyed your story. It’s dark, and violent, which is always fun. 


The actual shooting could probably be described a bit better – her hair everywhere and the patch of skin – I would think that shooting someone in the face at close range would probably cause your focus to be on the giant splatter of brain and the bullet hole. It’s the main pivotal action in the story, and it kind of stumbled along at that point for me. Still, it’s well written and not a bad story at all. Enjoyed.


*Godofwine
“Four Quick Shots”
Score: 15*


Ah, sniper shots. They always intrigue, and you can do so much with the unknown death from above. 


I questioned the reaction to the bullet in his left arm. A bullet to the bicep, and we get a Ned Flanders, “Son of a diddly!” 


I didn’t know what to make of “Through and through.”


The “forty-five degree angle alley” was a mouthful.


The cash in the backpack – okay, but the “nuclear detonation plans?” What exactly is that? Doesn’t seem like a real thing to me, and the next phrase is kind of a non sequitur.


Still, it’s a cool premise and I liked the cold, graphic way you told it. Maybe if there were more stakes, or you let me know a bit more about this guy’s inner workings besides “Think Peter” and “Damn it” I might get the buildup and tension. As it stands, I don’t know who these Russians are that he’s shooting or why I should care. A bit less running and moving and a wee bit more exposition and at least a little bit of dialogue (which could be intertwined to great effect) would serve you well and make this story great. Just my opinion, sorry to be so wishy-washy. Thanks for entering.


*ppsage
“Diatribe Contra Stone”
Score: 19*


Finally some Paybin Beeza that I can almost read. Trader Joe, with his sub-luminary hops was infinitely more dense and complex than this one, so I’m thankful. 


Hard to say what’s subterfuge here, given the supraluminal drive’s creator and his transfiguration. Could’ve been adjunct transfiguration, if things are going to be adjunct. In fact, the death of any god can be adjunct, when talking in terms of mythicality. That’s why hindus are such geniuses when it comes to plurality. Make more deities, fashion a cloud-scape for them to populate, and bow down as you se fit. 


With that nonsense out of the way, I’ve got to say that I really like the concepts at work here. Parts of this seem like there’s prerequisite information that I don’t possess, but others I’ve enjoyed ruminating on, such as the computational totality of the vessel and holo-skins. 


Am I to understand that the supraluminal drive generates deity-angst as a by-product? Heavy. Feel like I could read this text twenty more times and still puzzle over parts of it – particularly in the paragraph dropping back into the ‘last half.’


Only nit I could pick out was the use of ‘obsolesce’ where I think you might’ve meant ‘obsolescence.’ 


Has Trader Joe met PJS in previous works? That would be awesome.


Is this something that haunted the forum at one time, and I’ve sadly missed out on reading? Would enjoy immersing myself in more of this kind of stuff. Well done, and thanks for getting in on this.



[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*Dictarium
"The Man with the Magic Mind"
SCORE: 17*

This was pretty good; a nice low key take on the super-hero form. Good SPaG, nicely even tone throughout.  I found the constant adjectives a bit distracting, personally, and thought it was a little top-heavy in describing the MC's current depressed state when it's not really explained why he chooses to shove that aside and help again. All in all, though, a fine piece of flash.


*Potty
"Here Today, Gone Tomorrow"
SCORE: 16*

Amusing. 


*thepancreas11
"Unfortunate Circumstances"
SCORE: 19*

Really liked this one. Excellent voice, great description, and the humor was right on -- interleaved well and contrasting nicely to the dire situation. Saw no SPaG-nits, and the tone is excellent. I'm taking a  point off for the ending reveal because , and this might seem mean, the build-up was so good that such a sort of commonplace twist was a let down for me. Still, great little story, I enjoyed it a lot!


*midnightpoet
"Executive Privilege"
SCORE:  16*

I get the feeling that this is a much longer story trapped in the flash form. There are several leads that really go nowhere, like Harold's gambling debts. I've read it several times and I'm still not sure why Karen blew up the building. This is interestingly constructed and well written, but I think it deserves a lot more room to breathe -- the labyrinthine tangles of office and financial politics become something of a know at such a short length.


*Staff Deployment
"She Said"
SCORE: 17*

An interesting set-up, and nice dialogue. As intriguing as it is, though, I felt it was all intrigue and really led nowhere, except to someone blinking. I'm as clueless to who these people are and what they're doing -- other than some guess work -- at the end as I am in the beginning. That said, it was an enjoyable read and I could see quite a bit being made from this. SPaG and tone were great, and the effect was good as well, just not what I think it could be.


*rockoo315
Untitled
SCORE: 16*

A strange story, but quite enjoyable for that reason. I almost feel, though, that it's trying to be too many things -- a pseudo-true story, a humorous anecdote, a surreal interlude. The ending sort of came out of nowhere, which aided in the surprise of the thing but left me somewhat non-plussed. The only SPaG-nit I caught was 'darnest' rather than 'darndest', otherwise it was clean and tight. 


*Smith
"Be Yourself"
SCORE:  17*

Interestingly structured, and a bit of a puzzle. I'm not sure that the switching POV worked for me, as I wondered if this was a schizophrenic reaction or 'real.' Well written, with some nice turns of phrase, but a bit on the angsty side for my taste. SPaG and tone were good. 


*Terry D
"The Cost"
SCORE:  19*

Beautifully written, and a complete-unto-itself narrative, with the ending satisfyingly tying back into the beginning. The 'old mysterious shop' is a fantasy staple of course, and this reminds me greatly of King's _Needful Things_, but it stands on its own well and has its own point. Extremely well done!


*Anonymous
"The Stride Of The Scholar"
SCORE: 17*

Well written and structured, though I don't really get it. I assume it's some sort of post-catastrophe scenario, though I'm not sure why the MC is breaking into his old school and reminiscing. That's good in some ways -- I like the unexpected. But I was hoping that by the end it would have tied itself in to the overall situation, and I feel that didn't happen. 


*OliverGrey
"Good Morning"
SCORE: 19*

Probably the strangest story in the contest, and also probably my favorite. Oddly, this breaks most of the rules I hold for a story to work in my opinion, yet it works nevertheless. It's funny in a sort of Python-esque way, and slightly sad in a strange, melancholy sense. As a simple statement of the inability to be truly certain of cause and effect in our highly chaotic world, it strikes just the right note for me.  Wry, dry and quite excellent.


*Leyline
"With Bad News Bob At The End Of An Era"
SCORE: N/A*


*J. Anfinson
"We Walk Among You"
SCORE: 18*

Very well constructed and told story. A nice, terse voice and style, well suited to the subject matter. I found the last paragraph a little too bluntly moralistic. It's not bad, per se, but I think a more muted and underplayed relaying of the same message, coming from the actions or reactions of one of the characters,  would have been more emotional and effective for me. Still, very good work!


*Darkhorse
"Grey Tomorrow"
SCORE: 17*

I found the dialogue to be a bit confusing: I was halfway through the story before I figured out who exactly was saying what. Otherwise, this is a well done morality tale.

*Godofwine
"Four Quick Shots"
SCORE: 16*

You write action well, and I liked the spare approach to description and exposition. My problem is that this reads like a scene from a longer story rather than a complete story, with no real closure: it just sort of stops. 


*ppsage
"Diatribe Contra Stone"
SCORE: 18*

I'm assuming this is a sort of far future blog entry, presented unvarnished to we in the past. I enjoyed it as that (and the mingling of your stories and CM's), and -- as usual -- I enjoyed your playful use of jargon as a stylistic technique. But, for some reason, this one didn't engage me as completely as your work usually does. It may have been the lack of a central or POV character. Still, a pleasure to read and puzzle over, as always.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Cadence’s scores]

*the pancreas11**
"An Unfortunate Circumstance"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

*I half enjoyed, half didn't enjoy this piece. 

The former first: the command of tone, syntax and word choice was good to the point that it didn't get in the way of the story, and some of the narrator's quips were well-placed and had a great effect:

_It could also be dried chocolate cake. I hope she’s not binge-eating. Emotional eating leads to weight-gain. It’s not a healthy habit. Then again, neither is murder, really._

Though the 'really' could be dropped, this line has a sharp sense of fast thought, almost a one-man stichomythia (currently my favourite word and technique). The present tense also helps keep us in the moment when the moment is happening.

The latter: I felt that the story itself was confused; it clearly treats itself as a joke, leading up to a punchline, but I found none of it funny. Rather, I was starting to get engrossed in the characters, treating them seriously. 

The comment about giraffes doesn't serve any purpose. In fact, all the digressions from the scene leave the narrative feeling haphazard. The dialogue doesn't sound natural either - perhaps the woman is meant to sound like she doesn't know what words to use, but 'I will end you' is neither dramatic nor funny; it only flags that this was written with attempt at humour, and that again distances me from the moment. I also don't know how this month's prompt is woven into the story; I can get a slight link, but hardly anything.

Other people might find this funny, but at any rate the cross between violent tension and spontaneous humour and commentary doesn't work for me.*

[*]**Potty**
"Here Today, Gone Tomorrow"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 12

*I can't give it any more, but it made me laugh. Probably the most extreme example of 'show, don't tell' I've ever seen. Flawless SPaG, but only one sentence of it; flawless tone, but likewise, one line.

It fulfils its purpose perfectly, but it's such a small nugget of perfection. Brings to mind that old song; only the good die young. This story stops just where it's supposed to, and is perfect until and beyond the end.

If only this was a one-liner competition.


*Dictarium**
"The Man with the Magic Mind"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13

*The overwhelming feeling I got from reading this piece was of potential buried underneath prose. It is an overly verbose, largely characterless and motionless scene for a character that is clearly full of personality and action-orientated. True, the stifled pace serves to demonstrate the stagnation of Mr Mind, but it also makes for a drudge of a read. The creativity is there, but the craftsmanship is lacking. 

The use of questions and words such as 'conflicted' throw us out of the character's mind and into the trapping arms of an outsider - an external focalizer, commenting on events. Meanwhile, the narrator-less list of headlines gives us more of a glimpse into Marcus' life than the narrator ever can - but this is ruined by the following one-line question.

What this needs is to go on a diet, lose some weight and come back tighter and more revealing. I want to know so much more about Mr Mind, but neither I nor Marcus are given any room to move. The two weeks during which the LM run give ample time to strength the storytelling; my advice for next month is to use this time to unlock the story's true potential.


*midnightpoet**"Executive privilege"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 16
*

Tone would have been a 5 if not for the ending; the jarring change of language may resemble the thoughts of the setting, but it's too jarring to work in such a confined space. Keeping the sincere tone of the rest of the piece would have made fireworks explode from this revelation; as it reads, the narration gets in the way of a dark and interesting twist.

The dialogue-heavy style, mixing in expository report, works well throughout. It allows us to get to know the characters and enjoy them as they thrive in their small, unsettling environment. Some of the narration is too blunt however, which pokes holes in the otherwise strong voice: 'He had heard rumors that she was sharing more than e-mail with Peterson' is an example. 'He needed something stronger than champagne' is, on the other hand, a brilliant and memorable line - a punch of verbal justice for the character's mood.

I would have preferred a more relaxed set-up, though that might just be the way I read. The machine-gun fire of characters being introduced made it harder for me to build both scene and character, and while they came together in the end, they did not as I read the piece for the first time.


*rockoo315
Untitled
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Overall: 10
*

There's evidence of creativity in every corner of this piece, but it doesn't come or work together; there are many choices, but none of them coherent. Though I haven't come across the concept of a dairy product that turns you into a cartoon character, I am no less interested in it after reading this piece.

I think it's a shame; the crafting of sentences shows skill, and all the elements could come together far more effectively if given time. 'my thoughts jumping between locating Waldo and my next joint' is a wonderful line, and if the piece was full of these gems then it would carry more weight in the reader's mind. My advice, then, would be to avoid narration that directly addresses the reader - it requires skill and refinement to pull off, and may still put people off the story.

As for how our autobiographic protagonist became human enough to write this down... I am unsure, and it would be an interesting question if the piece included the reader more and addressed them less.


*Staff Deployment
"She Said"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

*I have a place in my heart for dialogue-heavy flash fiction; it's often a lot more fun to listen to two people than it is for just one.

The drama in this scene was strong, enough for me to remember the feeling - the distance between the two characters is palpable, and yet they are so physically close for this brief moment. The dialogue itself is focused and filled with emotion, although I felt that it veered into feeling mechanical at times. The overall effect is a very natural conversation, but only because the moments of strength outweigh, for me, the occasional unnatural moments.

Another issue for me was the imbalance of the characters; while they were both unnamed (an effect I like), the female is far more memorable than the male. I'm not sure if it's intended or not, but the male character feels dry and colourless while the 'grey' and 'moth'-like girl/woman is full of life. It's an artistic statement that wraps some interpretation into the mix, but it leaves the male character devoid of any, well, character. He is also more guilty of - what I felt was - mechanical dialogue in places.

But the communication of the story, a tiny window into a much larger world, has minimalistic beauty, and the narrator is all but invisible. There's even a great adverb thrown into the mix, proving they have every right to find their way into our fiction. The story is well paced, varied, and perfectly contained within the word limit.


*Smith
"Be Yourself"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12
*

This confused me.

I enjoy flash-fiction that spreads itself over more than one scene, if those scenes are understandably linked. This piece, however, gave me little connection, and I was left incredibly confused by the end of it. Not that this is a bad thing; the issue is that the components of the story and the portrayal of them gives me no incentive to work out what is actually happening.

Another issue is the narrative voice. The italic speech begins well but then reads like writing, which ruins the effect. The normal narrator employed for most of the story prevents us from getting close to the scene with his over-emphasis of action, over-analysis of events and over-use of decorative vocabulary. Some lines are enjoyable: 'then the room spun' works well, for example. Most of the fragments, however, don't work well. 'A quick intake of breath' is an effective exception.

This piece is strongest when the narrator says less, but the story is still incoherent to me. I feel like something great and complex is try to be done, some kind of mental disorder, but there's no time to flesh out the facts and let the reader ask the right questions.


*Terry D
"The cost"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

This read like a sincere scene with a sinister edge. The pacing is spot-on; it comes and goes as humbly as a person may come and go from the setting, and with that simple storytelling there comes a promise that there's more here, and you have to think about it to understand better. Or, I'm just slower than other readers. :smile: But regardless, the tones of suspense and mystery couple very well with the simple, almost mundane sense of the story.

A few things stopped the scene from coming together fully in my head. The lack of commas in a couple of places, where I immediately thought they were needed, tripped me up as I read: 'Her voice was as light as the dust motes glowing in the shafts of afternoon sunlight cutting through the windows of the pawn shop' is an example; the beauty of the description gets somewhat confused, at least for me, by the lack of commas. This leads on to the lack of continuity I felt after 'sunlight cutting' - the light is then given a 'warm glow'. At first the light feels violent, but then it's mellow. Perhaps this could have worked for me if there had been some change of mood, but there is only a paragraph between the transition of feeling.

The last line lost some of its power by the inclusion of a comma, however. 'Oh, well,' doesn't read naturally to me; at least, it doesn't read the way I'd expect it to sound. It puts emphasis on the 'well', as if it's either a statement or a moment of thought, when I feel like it wants to be neither. I might be wrong, and might have picked up on the wrong mood from the character - but then that would be the issue and not the comma.


*Anonymous
"The Stride of the Scholar"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 14 
*

I always want these internal-dialogue pieces to go somewhere other than backwards, and this piece started to push that usual limitation. The character felt real, not like the supposed consciousness of many a spends-the-whole-time-thinking-to-himself kind of character, and I think this was largely due to the use of italics to change between two perspectives. It gave the piece a great pace and tone, and I was sorry to see it go as the narrator sought more exposition.

It was all good picture-painting; there's something of a social apocalypse about it, the kind of thing that lends itself to poetry. It was, again, the separation between the deeper thoughts and the actions, rather than trying to 'cleverly' mix them in (rarely works), that made it read effectively. Well-chosen techniques peppered the prose as well, helping to solidify the image.

Yet... it didn't feel like it achieved much else. It was slightly hampered by some SPaG issues, but the main problem was the loss of drama during the exposition. The addressing of the reader threw me back from the scene, painfully, and I wanted to jump back into it. But there was no more of that sweet, involving counterpoint between the internal journey and the external journey. It felt like it wanted to start making sense, or twist itself in some way, when it didn't have to. I had little connection to the 'sniper' concept - it felt out of place, even though I liked the link to 'shooting far ahead of me'. 

Maybe it's because I'm character-centred, and the second half lost sight of the character in favour of expanding the world; whatever the reason is, I felt like piece had the potential to do something incredible with the character that was set up so well. But once it had done what it did, I felt none of what I had felt before.


*OliverGrey
"Good Morning"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10

*

I immediately liked the concept of this piece; it's one of those subtle brain-benders, something no-one thinks about, that adds instant curiosity to a piece. At least, it did for me.

The rest of the piece, however, went nowhere, and I was disappointed by the lack of a story. The setting is described - in some parts successfully, in others less so - and further thoughts on the subject are aired and explained. The central theme of trains was lost on me; I neither found it tragic, interesting, funny or realistic, so I'm not sure what the desired effect was. Overall this shows promise, but it's buried beneath the work. It needs characterization for it to be memorable and enjoyable, because the concept is still something I'd like to see explored.


*Leyline
"With Bad News Bob At The End Of An Era"
Spelling/Grammar: n/a
Tone/Voice: n/a
Effect: n/a
Overall: n/a
*
The blend of originality and evocative storytelling made for an impressive read; second-person is rarely used, but here it's fantastically employed. There's sincereness mixed with wildness, truth with lies, adoration tangling with disgust, and by the end I'm hooked on the harrowing realness of it all.

The only point I stumbled was over 'shitfaced drunk'. As 'shitfaced' implies drunkenness, I don't think drunk is needed - it elongates the sentence and takes away its punch.

Otherwise, the piece was not only filled with strong prose, but memorable lines. It exploits the brevity of flash fiction to the greatest extent I have ever seen, and that's an honest superlative.


*J Anifinson
"We Walk Among You"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16
*

One of my favourite starter techniques is the split-second use of present tense; it throws the narrator into the piece before he immediately draws himself back out of it. It worked very well here, giving the story the sense of urgency and tension it needed.

The first time the focus of the piece was lost was on one line: '_I tripped over a lawn gnome and hit the ground, breaking the fall with my hands. I was up in a flash and standing by her in seconds. “Where are they taking him?”' _This reminded me of why I'm so engrossed in using Genette's principles of duration at the moment; while the tripping doesn't feel important, it also trips the reader by squashing the incident into a short space of time before immediately flowing into dialogue. Had the incident lasted longer, I would have given it more attention. As it is, I think the line is wasteful until the dialogue comes in.

The second time was a similar issue of squashing; the flashback to Ryan. I feel like the words wasted on the tripped could have been used here to greater effect. There just isn't enough for the reader to work with, and not enough connections can be made throughout the piece for the snapshot of back-story to carry any emotional weight for me. It's a shame, since it's part the climax. It numbed the piece at the end.

The final line is also, IMO, wasted. It feels like the prompt was shoe-horned in, while letting the piece speak for itself would have served it better.

I wanted to enjoy this more than I did, and the majority of it was effective. But critical moments of the piece let it down; tending to these wounds would help this shine - especially the description of Ryan's death. The pause was perfect, and the use of dialogue put me straight into Stephen's shoes.


*Darkhorse
"Grey Tomorrow"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

*

I enjoyed the sense of tension in this piece; while it didn't co-operate entirely with the characters and their depiction, the majority of the prose read clearly and visually.

I always want to either understand a character or want to understand a character; with Jackson, however, I fell short of both. I think it's mainly due to the lack of motivation - at least, I didn't pick up on it well enough for me to understand his actions. He seems weak-willed, and his sentiments on his choice make that choice seem foolish. Since this isn't played upon, I can only think that the character isn't integrated well enough into the piece for me to connect with him.

That being said, the woman is a much more connectable and enjoyable character; the narration and choice of detail lends itself well to the mystery of her predicament.

Some of the fragments didn't work for me, though that may be due to my style affecting the way I read things. It may have had a better effect in present tense. Some of the dialogue choices were similarly problematic: 'silence at last' doesn't end the death of the woman well for me. The ending feels weak as well, but mainly due to aforementioned reasons - the lack of connection to Jackson. Had I connected to him, this piece would have made a much greater impression.


*godofwine
"Four Quick Shots"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10
*

One thought dominated me as I read this piece: I wanted to get excited. I wanted to be in the mind of the spy. I wanted to hear the bullets; to feel the gunshots - to be thrown into the breakneck excitement of it all. But I couldn't.

It's an action scene where the action is constantly underplayed by the narrator. There are too many words to get a sense of pace ('four smooth quick shots' - how can bullets be 'smooth'?) and too many unnecessarily long words to gain a sense of focus ('begrudgingly' being an example); the character has no sense of identity, and neither do his assailants ('guy' isn't the word I would use - it feels too lax for a tense situation). There is a scene beneath all this; a good, thrilling action scene. But it's buried, deep down, beneath writing that doesn't let shine.

The piece needs to go on a diet, build some muscle, and come back fighting-fit. It needs to throw some punches, to throw me into the action. But it doesn't yet, and there's little else I can get from the piece otherwise*.*


*ppsage
"Diatribe Contra Stone"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

*

This immediately reminded me of 'The History of the Necronomicon', and shared the same Lovecraftian sense of reality being so accessibly faked through prose.

It's a lot harder to critique something so packed full of befuddling and brilliant pseudo-information. Truths are mixed with lies, references are intertwined and only add to the beautiful confusion of the piece, while the vocal and scientific style is both absorbing and arresting. The opening is particularly attention-catching, and there's even some humour ('ordinary talk', being followed by a direct continuation of the jargon).

In such a small space of time, a whole world is evoked. It's confident of it's existence, needs no introduction and makes every imagined ounce of itself attractive. However, it was this world that I was most interested in and not the direct understanding of the text. For me, the most enjoyable aspect of the piece wasn't played upon to its greatest potential - in fact, it felt like a by-product that the jargon sometimes got in the way of. At times I felt like I was enjoying the sound of words and not their meaning; while this superficial quality was entertaining, having a greater attraction to the world created would have, for me, been more enjoyable. But that may be due to how I'm more unaccustomed to this style of writing.


Thanks,
Cadence


[/spoiler2]


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## Potty (Jan 23, 2014)

Bum cheeks! I thought mine would do a bit better, if Hemmingway could do it I figured I could too  Didn't think the length would mark me down so much as the word limit is _*up *_too 650 ^^

Congratz to the winners! Some great entries!


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## Gavrushka (Jan 23, 2014)

Potty - I have to apologise, as I also did in marking it. - In the coffee bar thread, I'd mentioned the only way I could mark was as a reader, and both yours and ppsage's entries were beyond my ability to critique. - I know the end result is your mark was poor, but also appreciate that was down to my shortcomings, and not your own.

Both entries that I could not mark as they deserved led me to my decision not to judge again. - My literary range is too limited!


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## Darkhorse (Jan 23, 2014)

Thanks to all the judges.

The feedback was useful and I will take it on board. For the most part, I had similar concerns when I was submitting it, but I was not sure whether I was over analysing.

I do find the 650 word limit difficult, but I am certain that it is beneficial. The idea I originally had could of have filled at least double the word count and I really struggled to cut it down. I reckon there is a real art to delivering a solid piece in such a small word limit, but I am convinced that if I can get to grips with it - as many of the other writers here have - then it will make my longer writing all the more better.

Edit: Congratulations to the winner and the placers. I will reread your work to see what I can learn from it.

Also, Terry D, was your piece a sequel of sorts? I was reading a couple of the previous winning entries and I think I came across one of yours. Well done btw.


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## J Anfinson (Jan 23, 2014)

Great job, judges. You guys made some good points. Stiff competition this time around. Hope to see this many entries next month.


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## Potty (Jan 23, 2014)

Gavrushka said:


> Both entries that I could not mark as they deserved led me to my decision not to judge again. - My literary range is too limited!



Don't be daft! I took a risk and it didn't pay off! It was my decision that resulted in my low score. you judged as you saw fit which is only fair, if it didn't work for you that totally fine. The reason we have 4 judges is so that we can get the best score from a small focus group of sorts. 

But I like the idea my entry was far too intelligent for people to get  Something about that works for me too!


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## Gavrushka (Jan 23, 2014)

LOL... Well the scary thing is I am still none the wiser as to what your entry meant! - I feel like the bloke who is the only one not laughing because they didn't get the punchline. 

The issue is, potential winning entries become also-rans, if one judge is unable to mark particular categories from a position of knowledge. Besides, I've judged two months running, am well stricken with years and temporary retirement suits me just fine.


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## Staff Deployment (Jan 23, 2014)

In regards to Potty's piece: Fugu is a japanese blow-fish known for its deadly poison. If prepared by a skilled chef, it's exceptionally tasty. If the chef screws up, it'll kill you in minutes.

The joke to Potty's piece is the title. Dude ain't gonna see tomorrow.


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## Terry D (Jan 23, 2014)

Many thanks to the judges. I know from experience that judging is not only time consuming, but mentally exhausting as well. Your efforts are greatly appreciated. Congratulations to ppsage and Staff Deployment, I'm honored to stand on the podium with you.

*Darkhorse -- You have a good eye. This little pawn shop has been very, very good to me. I did, indeed, write another LM entry about the place for the 'Baby Shoes' competition a year or so ago. I am fascinated by the possibilities the shop presents and enjoy exploring its dark corners and common, yet somehow strange artifacts. Every item has a story to tell and the proprietor is always willing to collect payment. When I write about the shop it always puts me in a Ray Bradbury mood.



> I thought that *it twinkled would have worked better here. – All I can say is that this tugged at my immersion, and that felt unwelcome.*


* 
*
Gavrushka; The 'it' was sacrificed for word count only. You are spot on about the line reading better with it.

Pluralized; Thanks for the good words, I wasn't sure about the 'puddling' image. It fit the image in my mind, but I was worried about the 'sound' of it. Every word carries so much weight in these flash pieces, if you stub your toe on one word it can ruin the whole story.

Leyline; I had forgotten all about _Needful Things_! The parallel is almost too close for comfort. I'll need to create some separation in any future stories about my pawn shop. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Cadence; Some of the mystery you pick up on in the story is, of course, intentional, but much of it is due to the fact that I haven't really explored this shop as well as I would like. I still have no idea who -- or what -- the owner is. I worry about over using commas and end up leaving them out where needed sometimes. Further revision of this story is necessary.

Again, thanks to all the judges. If anyone left this story with something, I feel I did my job.


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## Gavrushka (Jan 23, 2014)

Staff Deployment said:


> In regards to Potty's piece: Fugu is a japanese blow-fish known for its deadly poison. If prepared by a skilled chef, it's exceptionally tasty. If the chef screws up, it'll kill you in minutes.
> 
> The joke to Potty's piece is the title. Dude ain't gonna see tomorrow.



Thank you, thank you!

I've just become that uncomfortable socially inept bloke at a dinner party, who laughs a minute after everyone else.


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## Pluralized (Jan 23, 2014)

Congratulations, Terry! Your story was really good. 

Gavrushka - don't sell yourself short man. You did a good job!


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## Gavrushka (Jan 23, 2014)

Pluralized said:


> Congratulations, Terry! Your story was really good.




Damn! I was so busy indulging myself that I forgot to congratulate the winner! Well done indeed Terry; it was a superb entry! 

In fact, the standard was very high this month, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the entries, which made judging so much easier. - It's inspirational to see the realised and developing talents on this forum.


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

_@Gavrushka

*Godofwine*
_

*“Four Quick Shots"
*
I’m not sure this piece showcased your talent as well as it could have. I like the idea, and the setting, but there were sections that jarred. You’ve a good imagination, but this appears a little rushed.

The opening line is an important one, and the dialogue had me hooked, but then the ‘Peter said clutching...’ disengaged me. – I feel it would have been far better as ‘Peter clutched his arm...’

An idea came to him as he looked the long alleyway and saw the *manhole* cover fifteen yards down. If he opened the *manhole *cover that could invoke some level of doubt as to the direction he went. The question now was could he lift the *manhole* cover in his condition. He’d have to find out. He shoved the PPK into a tan shoulder holster and ran toward the *manhole*. 
I think, highlighted, you’ll see my issue here. – There also seemed to be a grammar oops around ‘as he looked the long alleyway’ – possibly, you meant ‘looked down’.

It’s a shame, as I can see you have the potential to write well, but the technical side is holding you back.

Thank you for this constructive criticism. I have not had instruction, and though my imagination is wild I feel like a mustang trying to run the Kentucky Derby. As you said, the technical side that I am unaware of is holding me back. I do not know what to look for so how could I be expected to correct mistakes as I go (though there is no justification for writing manhole so many times and not alternating between sewer or some other synonym). 

Where would I receive such tutelage, seriously? I aim to write a novel in efforts to escape this dreary 40 hour a week existance. My imagination is great, my ability to tell a story is decent, I possess the capability to draw people in to my work, but I foresee stumbling blocks somewhere between A & Z because my lack of the technical side is going to be apparent and I have nowhere to turn. I watched Finding Forrester last week and wished that I had someone who lived near me that could give me similar writing guidance. A writing Sensei or a writing Yoda great would be. I have been a reader since I was 3, but writing is something I began to tackle once my mind started to outgrow like too much water on too small a table.


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## midnightpoet (Jan 23, 2014)

Thanks, everyone, for your comments on my piece.  I think my first problem was choice of subject matter; high-level office hi-jinks need more room to work out the entanglements.  Also, I believe I had too many characters for such a short piece.  I thought about ending with the kiss in the restroom, it might have worked better.  One more thing, I first tried omniscient viewpoint, but couldn't get it to work, then third-person.  I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but I'll work on a piece, post it, then look at it weeks later and wonder what I was thinking.  I'm good at second-guessing myself.:smile:


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## Gavrushka (Jan 23, 2014)

godofwine said:


> _@Gavrushka
> 
> *Godofwine*
> _
> ...



There is only one way that I know of, and it is not a pleasant journey... It's time. - I've spent almost 15,000 hours, over the last four years, improving the technical side of my writing. - The technical standard of your work is light years ahead of where mine was. - I used 'The Elements of Style' as guidance but, the first time I read it, it meant very little. - I also received very basic grammar tuition and that helped identify where my problem areas were, and gave me the opportunity to correct them.

It is awful having a mind filled with wonderful ideas, but not being able to articulate them in a benign fashion. - It's going to be a test of your tenacity. Push and strive every day, and make those tiny steps forward... The shock comes when, without realising, you hurdle the bar called 'good enough' and end up with a Pulitzer!


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

@ Layline
*"Four Quick Shots"

*You write action well, and I liked the spare approach to description and exposition. My problem is that this reads like a scene from a longer story rather than a complete story, with no real closure: it just sort of stops.

650 words is not enough to tell an adequate story so I create a movie in my head of the story and begin at a climax, maybe not necessarily THE climax, but one of them. Going from A to Z takes more words than 650, and it also is slower causing many people to not get to your point. Peter was being chased and he'd gotten away with the the money and the nuke detonation plans (movie cliche, yes, but as I said I write a movie in my mind with each story). I ran out of room, honestly, and focused on the the escape part of the movie rather than the thwarting of the Russian's plan to blow up the Nuclear Power Plant in Perry, Ohio. I figured that it would be closure because the protagonist figured a way to kill his pursuers. Again, thanks for the constructive criticism. I hope to do better next time. 

@Pluralized

Ah, sniper shots. They always intrigue, and you can do so much with the unknown death from above. I questioned the reaction to the bullet in his left arm. A bullet to the bicep, and we get a Ned Flanders, “Son of a diddly!” (LOL)

I didn’t know what to make of “Through and through.” The “forty-five degree angle alley” was a mouthful. The cash in the backpack – okay, but the “nuclear detonation plans?” What exactly is that? Doesn’t seem like a real thing to me, and the next phrase is kind of a non sequitur.

Still, it’s a cool premise and I liked the cold, graphic way you told it. Maybe if there were more stakes, or you let me know a bit more about this guy’s inner workings besides “Think Peter” and “Damn it” I might get the buildup and tension. As it stands, I don’t know who these Russians are that he’s shooting or why I should care. A bit less running and moving and a wee bit more exposition and at least a little bit of dialogue (which could be intertwined to great effect) would serve you well and make this story great. Just my opinion, sorry to be so wishy-washy. Thanks for entering.

I want people to be able to picture my stories, so maybe I use detective show words like, "Through and through" without explaination assuming that people know that the bullet went through and isn't lodged in the body. From soldiers I have spoken with I hear that when being shot it hurts like hell, but worse when the bullet is stuck in there vs when it passes through. I made sure to show him attempting to use the arm to ensure its functionability which would give the impression of really being shot vs a superhero in a movie to gets shot and acts as if nothing happened. I also didn't want to swear (SOB) and damn is a much less sensored a word that B, though I was in the Navy and have no problem cursing whatsoever, lol. 45 degree angle alley was to give a viewpoint, to see what he saw and I didn't know how to say it other than that. 

As I said to Leyline, the nuke detonation plans (movie cliche, yes, but as I said I write a movie in my mind with each story). I wanted to speak on the protagonist thwarting the Russian's plan to blow up the Nuclear Power Plant in Perry, Ohio, but ran out of real estate and focused on the survival of Peter. I should have stated what he'd thwarted to give an idea of which side to root for or to allow the reader to better comrehend what was going on (lack of real estate). Dialogue is tricky, and I wish that I could be as clever as Justified all the while painting a picture, but I haven't yet figured how to do both in such short limit, I chose my strong suit which is painting the picture and rode with it. Not wishy-washy at all. A great help. Thank you. The other forum that had contests that I'd entered had a 2500 and then 3000 word limit, which is much easier for me to complete the arc.


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

Gavrushka said:


> There is only one way that I know of, and it is not a pleasant journey... It's time. - I've spent almost 15,000 hours, over the last four years, improving the technical side of my writing. - The technical standard of your work is light years ahead of where mine was. - I used 'The Elements of Style' as guidance but, the first time I read it, it meant very little. - I also received very basic grammar tuition and that helped identify where my problem areas were, and gave me the opportunity to correct them.
> 
> *It is awful having a mind filled with wonderful ideas, but not being able to articulate them in a benign fashion. - It's going to be a test of your tenacity. Push and strive every day, and make those tiny steps forward... The shock comes when, without realising, you hurdle the bar called 'good enough' and end up with a Pulitzer*!



Oh my God, isn't it?I have four, yes, four novels at varying stages of completion (31,000+ words [revenge drama], 22,000+ words [syfy revenge drama], 8,000+ words [love story, sad story, lifetime movie at worst] and 6,000+ words [young adult] and the ideas of what each story is is right there, i have each character's voice in my head. I have three potential movies here but I am trying to build my first building having no council or training on how ot build a building, but in my mind it is a great building.


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## Folcro (Jan 23, 2014)

I for one know the work that a good judge puts into these entries, thanks to all of you for your efforts, and thank you especially to Fin, for once again bringing this all together. And congratulations to all who placed.

And thank you, Cadence, for the pinpoint honesty. It has been critiques like yours that have made me the writer I am.


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

@ Cadence
*"Four Quick Shots"
*
One thought dominated me as I read this piece: I wanted to get excited. I wanted to be in the mind of the spy. I wanted to hear the bullets; to feel the gunshots - to be thrown into the breakneck excitement of it all. But I couldn't.

It's an action scene where the action is constantly underplayed by the narrator. There are too many words to get a sense of pace ('four smooth quick shots' - how can bullets be 'smooth'?) and too many unnecessarily long words to gain a sense of focus ('begrudgingly' being an example); the character has no sense of identity, and neither do his assailants ('guy' isn't the word I would use - it feels too lax for a tense situation). There is a scene beneath all this; a good, thrilling action scene. But it's buried, deep down, beneath writing that doesn't let shine.

The piece needs to go on a diet, build some muscle, and come back fighting-fit. It needs to throw some punches, to throw me into the action. But it doesn't yet, and there's little else I can get from the piece otherwise*.

*What does it lack to take you from wanting to get excited to being there? There is under and overplaying it and right in the middle and I have no idea where to slice the fruit. How can I let me writing shine? I need to be able to get there and I don't know how. I have the desire, but desire and no know how gets you zilch. Than you for your words, as they are appreciated. I am going to be a great writer, and what I submitted I thought was good, but I have to cross over and it is that which is causing me to lose purchase on the slippery rock face that is writing. I don't know if it is the words I am choosing or whether the space that I have to use isn't condusive to saying what I mean to say.


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## ppsage (Jan 23, 2014)

Since I have so little hope of ever winning, I calculate my success here on how great a divergence of opinion I create, but I have managed this time, only a five point spread among the judges, which, for me, amounts to near unanimity. My record is 9.5, and anything below 7 is mediocre. I’m just not sure what to think of a piece, which baffles no one.

Gav… I worry a bit, how much we moderns have let _understanding_ be our guide, in matters of literature, not to mention its insidious intrusion into things like the plastic arts, which are so obviously less intellectual. Sometimes things can be just funny, whether they make any sense or not. I've found grandchildren are helpful, in this regard.

Plur… Paybin escapes again into the public. He is a didact of the indeterminate and variable future, a sometimes editor, who pollutes my notebooks excessively with his constipated yet bilious pedantry. This should be an explosive combination, but in his case, seems always to misfire. Usually I try to corral him into the epigraphical parameters. Chris’ Philosopher, who began his career as mere Major and is yet to ascend to Philosopher Major, has graced the forum, I think, five times. Galactic Joe only thrice, if memory serves, or maybe four, and only as an visitor to the LM quadrant. All these should still be extant.

Ley… You have as usual pretty much sussed me out and I’m a bit surprised that you let me so easily off the hook, scoring-wise. This is no story at all really, but a prologue camouflaged with some italics. The real story, wherein Trader Stone attempts to reconcile new information about the figure he’s thought of as his progenitor, has become mightily obstreperous, and my hope is that some bit of it seeing the light of day will blow the blockage. That’s assuming that we have lights here. Or days. Hopefully there’s at least another somewhat decipherable short in there.

Cdnc… I must confess to a considerable surprise tainted with glee upon reading your brilliant reaction. I’m heading back to reread my entry, to make sure it’s still the one I originally posted. I chafe unbearably at the LM word limit, and take liberties to stay within which probably preclude any real success either contestually or literarily. In a partial defense, I can only say, that magicians and religicos  throughout the millennia have depended on the sound of words for their transcendent wizardry.

Congratulations to anybody who had anything to do with this event, for it is overall a brilliant success. In appreciation, pp.


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## Folcro (Jan 23, 2014)

godofwine said:


> I  don't know if it is the words I am choosing or whether the space that I  have to use isn't condusive to saying what I mean to say.



For me, I handle short stories (or at least flash) as a painter handles his works. I just show you something. Establish an atmosphere (which I love to do and think I'm really good at) and show a character doing something, and let the viewer's imagination take it wherever else. This doesn't work for many people, which of course is understandable. When I work on a novel, I pack it with plot. I think it's best for me to handle the two differently--- it might provide a more diverse audience from my novels to my short stories.


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

Folcro said:


> For me, I handle short stories (or at least flash) as a painter handles his works. I just show you something. Establish an atmosphere (which I love to do and think I'm really good at) and show a character doing something, and let the viewer's imagination take it wherever else. This doesn't work for many people, which of course is understandable. When I work on a novel, I pack it with plot. I think it's best for me to handle the two differently--- it might provide a more diverse audience from my novels to my short stories.



I thought I had established an atmosphere. Guy being chased (didn't really say for what - my mistake) and he took down two but one shot him in the bicep wounding him. He has to get away because more people are coming. I insert why he is being chased (because he stole money and plans - yes the plans were kinda unnecessary now that I think of it, but in a larger story I was going to have the attack be Perry Nuclear power Plant in Ohio), as well as have him plot his escape (the sewer). Sets up his getaway and attemps to get away when that plan is thwarted by ze Russians who give chase. He decides on an alternative route and while the pursuers are standing around the perceived route possibly mapping the plan to follow the protagonist uses his vantage point to kill the pursuers. 

Explain what you mean by pack it with plot. Explain like I am a freshman. I am a willing pupil.


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## Folcro (Jan 23, 2014)

It's difficult to explain without example, I suppose the simplest way of putting it is 'a lot of things going on.' Many different characters finding themselves in many circumstances which all affect one another, be it directly or vicariously; Similar in nature to Les Miserables. That's another thing I love for my novels--- a diversity of characters whose many decisions affect the plot and the lives of one another.

Again, this is for my novels... obviously not too much of that going on in my little belch this month... _or is there!?! :stupid:_


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## Dictarium (Jan 23, 2014)

Well, shoot. I honestly have no idea when I'm writing passively and I can't tell how to fix it to be perfectly honest. I get knocked for it nearly every month.


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## Folcro (Jan 23, 2014)

Dictarium said:


> Well, shoot. I honestly have no idea when I'm writing passively and I can't tell how to fix it to be perfectly honest. I get knocked for it nearly every month.



It'll come to you; you'll be surprised how sudden. It's not about learning how to avoid or opt for specific things, but gaining command over your entire voice.


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## Jeko (Jan 23, 2014)

> What does it lack to take you from wanting to get excited to being there? There is under and overplaying it and right in the middle and I have no idea where to slice the fruit. How can I let me writing shine? I need to be able to get there and I don't know how. I have the desire, but desire and no know how gets you zilch. Than you for your words, as they are appreciated. I am going to be a great writer, and what I submitted I thought was good, but I have to cross over and it is that which is causing me to lose purchase on the slippery rock face that is writing. I don't know if it is the words I am choosing or whether the space that I have to use isn't condusive to saying what I mean to say.



What you need is time; time to get familiar with words and the power they have. The more you read and write, the more your writing will help get out the creative juices you have flowing.

Certain exercises, such as avoiding longer words, adverbs and the like, can help you focus your self-education. I've found some of KyleColorado's threads (The Two Questions, Overcoming Adverbs, The Hero's Journey) to be useful; his back-catalogue may be worth a look. 



> I can only say, that magicians and religicos throughout the millennia have depended on the sound of words for their transcendent wizardry.



Ah... I like that. Good food for thought.



> And thank you, Cadence, for the pinpoint honesty. It has been critiques like yours that have made me the writer I am.



*blushes*


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## Staff Deployment (Jan 23, 2014)

I am pleased I came in second! I didn't even notice until now.
Grats Terry & Sage!


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## Leyline (Jan 23, 2014)

Congrats to Terry, Staff and 'Sage (Wow, that sounds like a 60's folk rock band.)

Thanks to the other judges for the nice things said about my entry.

'Sage: The score was that high because, like everything of yours I've read, I enjoyed the hell out of it.


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## Darkhorse (Jan 23, 2014)

godofwine said:


> _@Gavrushka
> 
> *Godofwine*
> _
> ...



Now, there are far better minds on here to comment on this than I, but for what it is worth I'll give you my thoughts:

You won't necessarily solve the problem of repitition by using synonyms instead, because you will be essentially writing the same thing. Rather, you could discuss something else of note that adds to why it is important or difficult to go down the manhole. I had the same problem, but once you get over this mental hurdle you will see a lot of other possibilities in your writing and other hurdles won't seem so large - at least that's what I hope will happen with me. :smile:

But, if you want to go down the synonym route, there are other ways to describe the manhole with using 'sewer'. You could, for example, write: 
The question was: Did he have in it him to lift that thirty pound plate over his head? He gasped for air, his arms ached. etc... 

One final thought that may not be relevant to your piece: A bit of advice I often read is to vary your sentence length and structure - and read it out loud to see how it sounds - so that your writing doesn't become boring. The key is balance. But, I think this concept can be taken further. While it is important to describe scenery, your character, and his actions, would our writing flow better if we varied the level of description as owe wrote? Did the manhole need to be mentioned so much? I actually don't know.


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## spartan928 (Jan 23, 2014)

Congrats to the winners. Some great stories this month all.


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## godofwine (Jan 23, 2014)

thanks bro I appreciate it, as a novice with big dreams I am Not too big to take advice from any source.I will take your advice to heart


Darkhorse said:


> Now, there are far better minds on here to comment on this than I, but for what it is worth I'll give you my thoughts:
> 
> You won't necessarily solve the problem of repitition by using synonyms instead, because you will be essentially writing the same thing. Rather, you could discuss something else of note that adds to why it is important or difficult to go down the manhole. I had the same problem, but once you get over this mental hurdle you will see a lot of other possibilities in your writing and other hurdles won't seem so large - at least that's what I hope will happen with me. :smile:
> 
> ...


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## Smith (Jan 24, 2014)

Hmm, well, seemed to be a bit of a split crowd for me. 

Gavrushka,

Thank you Gavrushka for giving me the best possible review you could while still being confused. I admit that before I started writing this, as I was writing this, and once I had finished writing this... I knew confusion might be an issue, and it seems that for it was for some. I did my best with the short space / time to try and make it as understandable as possible, maybe some areas where the reader could fill things in that weren't necessarily integral.

The person laying in the bed was supposed to be a hostage to the person he loved. Although I see it wasn't as clear as it could have been, I tried to reinforce that idea with the thoughts in his head (the voice in italics, his other ego, whatever you want to call it), and of course once he went unconscious from hitting his head on the wall the woman had her knife to his throat. I did my best to make him seem like the hostage and I feel I accomplished that. Perhaps though who or what exactly was holding him captive needed further divulging.

Thanks for the review man!

--

Pluralized,

I'm glad you liked the beginning, and I am very happy that some good tension was built for that is what I trying to achieve. Also, I am equally satisfied to hear that at first it wasn't all too clear as to what was going on, but then once, as you called it "the mirror" idea comes in it begins to come together. It's cool you picked up on that. I knew the POV shifting would be confusing but I did my best to try and keep it roughly comprehensible. If you have any suggestions about that let me know. Perhaps with time and more practice I'll be able to do it more fluidly. Also awesome you got the mask bit, definitely not an original idea and I did notice the other entries using a similar element in the stories just before I was ready to post my piece, and they also used it very well!

As for the ending, you are right that it is a bit cliche sounding. Perhaps just being more straightforward and honest with it would've been better. Like, "Blood dripped on the floor." Also, the ending was intentionally made confusing because I wanted the morale of the story to be relatable to many. You can imagine that he killed himself after being depressed and held hostage for so long, he decided to end it all and give in. He may have killed the one holding him captive as much as it pained him to set himself free. A kind of 'if you love her let her go' type of thing. Or maybe the two struggled with the weapon and he lost... etc etc. I just wanted to leave it very open to interpretation. Not sure if that's a bad thing.

Oh, and the italic speech was intentional. I see a lot of authors that I read do it when they're trying to imply thought or voices inside their heads or something. Is there perhaps a way I could do it better / differently?

I sincerely appreciate your review, and I am also thankful you held equal appreciation for my attempt to write something with more depth and complexity. Hopefully it will be better next time. ^_^

Leyline,

Thank you for the very concise criticism. I agree, and knew even during the writing process, that the POV is / would be a problem. I did my best to go over it repeatedly to try and make it as smooth as possible, but it's still like rocky road ice cream. A lot of my past works are angsty as well, and that's alright, it isn't for every one. Not really intentional either to be honest, kind of just happens and I guess I have a tendency of picking subjects and using ideas that fit that genre. In fact, so far much of the work I've submitted and shared on these forums is related to the same part of my real life I guess you could say. Honestly that is a good question that I am relieved you asked, because even I didn't consider whether or not it was real or a schizophrenic reaction. Maybe that doesn't matter as much since it is a short story, hopefully? Thanks again for your time.

Cadence,

Thank-you for your review, first off. Just as it is of course nice to get very positive feedback, the opposite end of the spectrum is just as welcome, if not just a very little bit more.

By no incentive, I assume you are saying I should give the reader an actual reason to care about the main character and his problem? I completely agree, definitely missed the mark on that one.

I'll keep in mind to use fragments much less often and more effectively. As well, I'll try to improve the italic speech. I think I did an alright job with it but there's always room for improvement!

Yes, space was definitely an issue when trying to clear up the confusion of this piece. I did my best by sacrificing a lot of the original ending, making it much more open to the mind of the reader as to how it all finished. That way I could go back and try to fill in some holes. Unfortunately where there were craters there seems to be dozens of divets and pot-holes that I didn't have enough dirt to smooth over. Maybe, as you said, by making the narrator (referring to the italic speech?) say less I could flesh out the rest even more to lessen the confusion. I am very glad to hear that you at least recognize what it is I was trying to attempt. It's just the execution was lacking.

--

Sorry if that's a really big post. Not sure if it's frowned upon to reply to the judges in this way, not trying to hi-jack the thread or something. Now that I think about it maybe it'd be better to private message..  Congratulations to the winners and another thanks to the judges.


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## Fin (Jan 24, 2014)

Smith said:
			
		

> Sorry if that's a really big post. Not sure if it's frowned upon to reply to the judges in this way, not trying to hi-jack the thread or something. Now that I think about it maybe it'd be better to private message..  Congratulations to the winners and another thanks to the judges.



There's nothing wrong with posting it here.


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## Staff Deployment (Jan 24, 2014)

Gavrushka said:
			
		

> There were questions that were unanswered, and I thought it was my right to know those answers! LOL.


Such hubris!



			
				Pluralized said:
			
		

> The only thing I’ll say I wanted was more stasis ...


Dankë, Plur. What do you mean by stasis?



			
				Leyline said:
			
		

> ... just not what I think it could be.


Yeah, there was a lot to be juggled in this piece: the speeding-up timer, the definition of individuality, the sense of only catching a glimpse of something bigger. It was a lofty goal and one I didn't really have the space to fully explore. The conclusion ended up abrupt and unsatisfying, although I suppose that was the intention from the start.



			
				Cadence said:
			
		

> There's even a great adverb thrown into the mix, proving they have every right to find their way into our fiction.


Ha ha, "gravely", right? It was a risky choice, especially considering that the title itself was subtly drawing attention to the lack of fancy dialogue tags. Same with the word "scream" at the end.


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## Pluralized (Jan 24, 2014)

> Dankë, Plur. What do you mean by stasis?



I'm a bit of a thick-headed reader, I suppose, and I like to have a bit of setting/situation established in stories. Helps me "drop anchor" and have some idea what's going on in this story. As it stands, the winged kiwi-lady was kind of enigmatic and I wanted more. Any story that's 99% dialogue probably needs a wee bit of thoughtful exposition, and by 'stasis' I'm talking about knowing something about the baseline situation before the story starts changing stuff for the characters. I'm probably too hung up on that sort of thing, so let's chalk it up to my shortcomings as a reader. I'm increasingly impressed by your mastery of dialogue; it's really good.






> Pluralized,
> 
> I'm glad you liked the beginning, and I am very happy that some good tension was built for that is what I trying to achieve. Also, I am equally satisfied to hear that at first it wasn't all too clear as to what was going on, but then once, as you called it "the mirror" idea comes in it begins to come together. It's cool you picked up on that. I knew the POV shifting would be confusing but I did my best to try and keep it roughly comprehensible. If you have any suggestions about that let me know. Perhaps with time and more practice I'll be able to do it more fluidly. Also awesome you got the mask bit, definitely not an original idea and I did notice the other entries using a similar element in the stories just before I was ready to post my piece, and they also used it very well!
> 
> ...





EDIT: Smith, great response, truly well-articulated. Thanks for being a part of this - look forward to seeing your entry next month.


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## Smith (Jan 24, 2014)

Fin said:


> There's nothing wrong with posting it here.



Cool beans man. 



Pluralized said:


> EDIT: Smith, great response, truly well-articulated. Thanks for being a part of this - look forward to seeing your entry next month.



Hey no problem. Sweet dude!


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## thepancreas11 (Jan 30, 2014)

Well, that was a blast, though I totally missed the theme part, which just goes to show, you should calm down before you start to write! Re-read re-read re-read!

To the judges,

I apologize to some of you that didn't get the joke. There was not enough space to make the piece what I want to make it, and I have every intention of blowing it up into a longer story, a satire on a Stephen King novel maybe. I find the whole horror genre to be a little beyond me at the moment, as I have never really enjoyed watching scary movies. I would like to write that piece and post it here somewhere done a little better if you would have the patience with me to review it again.

Thank you,
the pancreas

PS: for future reference, I never mean to take anything seriously. My handle is the pancreas after all. Toodles!


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