# Clerked - 8 page thriller



## Stardog (Oct 14, 2008)

*Clerked*
An office clerk recieves death threats through in the mail and soon tries to change his ways, but is he too late?

I wrote this a year ago. I figured I might aswell make it my first post in this section.

What do you think?


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## Linton Robinson (Oct 14, 2008)

He Stardog.

Looking at the format a bit, I'd ditch the CONT'D stuff for sure.

More generally,  The style of your action lines isn't like what the industry generally uses.  Nobody says "There is..."   they just say,  "An old car sits in the drive"   or "Secretaries create a workplace hum"  or whatever.
You almost never see the verb "to be" in action graphs.

Definitely don't use progressive tense.   Not "He is sitting", but "He sits"

"We see" and "We follow" are also frowned on these days.

Celtx huh?  Cool


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## Wintermute (Oct 15, 2008)

Not bad. You build tension well. I don't really notice any glaring problems other than what Lin pointed out. Your title is hilarious though. Not sure if that's intentional.


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## Stardog (Oct 17, 2008)

lin said:


> He Stardog.
> 
> Looking at the format a bit, I'd ditch the CONT'D stuff for sure.
> 
> ...


I updated it. There weren't too many of the "there is" problems luckily. Hopefully I didn't miss any.

Thanks.



> Not bad. You build tension well. I don't really notice any glaring problems other than what Lin pointed out. Your title is hilarious though. Not sure if that's intentional.


I didn't know what to call it, but I don't get why it's hilarious...


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## Crazed Scribe (Nov 26, 2008)

It was good but to be honest i personally thought the ending needed explaining a bit more. It could just be me though.


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## Dylan White (Dec 23, 2008)

It was really good man. Keep it up! ;]


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## CharlieParker82 (Jan 2, 2009)

It reminded me of a episode of Murder Most Horrid (A T.V show from the mid 90's). It was good but wasn't sure if it was a thriller or a quirky little murder comedy. Think it could be better defined in what your trying to achieve.


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