# December 2015 - LM - First One to Die - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jan 2, 2016)

*Amsawtell**Teb**20oz**Total*HarperCole17172018Dubhthaigh18161917.6Smith16162017.3LoLeah17141916.6rcallaci14171716godofwine14161816Christola12151915.3Ned12181314.3Kat11141513.3Hairball13151213.3Teb---JE



This was a close race!

In 1st place we have HarperCole with "The Road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions"
In 2nd, Dubhthaigh with "Piggies!"
and in 3rd, Smith with "Sick"

If there are any discrepancies, I would be grateful if you would bring them to my attention,
 and I will attempt to rectify them in any way possible. See you guys next month!  


Congratulations to all, members may now 'like' stories in the LM thread if they so choose. 
 And now, what you've all been waiting for, the scores!

[spoiler2=Amsawtell's Scores!]  

*Title:* Memento Mori
*Author:* Teb


*SPaG:* N/A
*Tone:* N/A
*Effect:* N/A


*Overall:* N/A


 The introduction, while good scene setting, doesn't serve the rest of the story.  It has little to do with the majority of the action and it bogs down the writing.  I would drop that part and the last line completely.  I don't know why Ethel is important to this story as it doesn't have anything to do with her—the beginning makes the reader believe that the rest will be a reminiscence about Ethel and the days the narrator and she courted.


 There is a verb-tense agreement issue in the first line and it's passive voice.  It would read better as “The frail figure sits in a large armchair, a blanket wrapped around his knees despite the sunlight streaming through the open window.”


 You have a recurring problem with apostrophes—particularly with its/it's.  An apostrophe is used to create a contraction in which two words are pulled together and the vowel that is not pronounced is replaced by the apostrophe.  That is what happens with it is—as a contraction it takes the form “it's.”


 Apostrophes are also used to indicate possession but only with proper nouns (named people, places, or things).  If it is not named and an impersonal pronoun is used then possession is indicated in a different way.   Those ways are outlined below:


 Mine = belongs to me.
 Yours = belongs to you.
 His/Hers = belongs to him/her
 Its = belongs to it.


 So, for “dressed in her nurses uniform,” where does the apostrophe go?  That's right, before the second “s” in “nurses.”


 I really like the action in the war scene.  It's clear and understandable while still feeling confusing which is hard to do in war scenes as they're typically so chaotic.


_“He throws it hard but is lifted off his feet by the force oft he bullet smashing into his shoulder.”_
 There's a spacing issue (my computer hated typing it out and kept auto-correcting it).  I would also change it from “the bullet” to “a bullet” because there's more than one bullet in the world, right?


 Otherwise, I really liked this scene.  The poignancy of it is in the war scene.


*Title:* Reunion
*Author:* Kat


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 4/10


*Overall:* 11/20


 I appreciate the idea of a small town's population staying in touch after a disaster scatters them.  The opening was weak and didn't lead to the action of the story well.


 The point-of-view keeps changing from the first person to the second which didn't help keep the story moving.  It would have been more consistent and easier to follow if it was in one point-of-view.  Further, because of the constant switching I received the impression that the “I” at the end of the story may not have been the same “I.”  Specifically having the narrator laugh at the flood evacuation signs (nice touch) was confusing because I really thought that meant the narrator had moved to this town but the in the last paragraph the narrator says “We'd been born here, brought our spouses back here . . . “


_”The river was at the bottom of a deep canyon, and besides there were two dams upstream.”_
 Your comma is in the wrong place.  You'll need two around besides (it's an aside).  It should be like this: “The river was at the bottom of a deep canyon and, besides, there were two dams upstream.


_“We were forecast to get 3 inches of rain overnight.  I never did find out exactly how much rain came but the heavens opened up and vomited water like a hungover frat boy.  Praying for it to stop but it just kept coming and coming.  Those dams had been built in the 1940s and who knows what kind of repairs of been done over the yeas.  We shouldn't have been surprised.”_


 This paragraph has some troubles.  Switching from second person to first and back to second contributes to the problems.  This depends on the formatting guide you use but most agree that any number under ten should be spelled out (I go with 20 personally).   


 “I never did find out” is fine for displaying dialect but the narration takes on more formal tones in other places and, with a word limit, using the least amount of words possible should helps you to establish more detail elsewhere.  I would drop “did find” for “found.”   


 Who's praying?  The town or just the narrator?  I can't tell because the pronoun has been dropped and the paragraph switches between the two.


 Since this has a casual dialect in most places I would drop the “19” from “1940s” and just say “'40s.”  Most people will understand what time period you mean.


 I would drop “We shouldn't have been surprised” entirely.


_”It took with it chunks of concrete and rebar, trees and houses surrounding the canyon.”_
 Beautiful detail but I would change out “took” for “brought” because the narrator is talking about the water that came to the town—not the water that left it.


_“By the time the water has receded, we were stuck.  The debris had completely destroyed the bridges and demolished roads.”_
 I would drop the “has” from the first sentence and “had completely” from the second.  Both are unnecessary and slow down the narrative.


_“This isn't a story about the ones that died because I could tell you stories about their bodies stuck rotting in the treetops.  We wanted to burn the forest down just to bury the bodies.”_
 I generally hate it when a narrator ruins the story by telling me that it is a story.  I have no problem with the imagery but I would consider dropping all of this unless you plan on exploring this more.


_This is a story about the ones that lived.  Families that had been there for generations, that had made their livelihood depending on that land; we all left . . .”_
 This paragraph is telling and not showing.  While I understand the purpose of it I don't think it's serving the story you're wanting to tell.


 There are other grammatical issues but, honestly, the biggest problem is that the small moment of reunion and why there is a reunion is overshadowed by this intense natural disaster.  It makes the focus of the story a little harder for the reader to relate with.


 In all I think this story mostly suffers from wanting to give too much back story and not focusing enough on the details of the now.  I would start with receiving notice of Mr. Miller's death and move from there to sharing stories about the flood among the survivors.  


*Title:* Killing Time
*Author:* rcallaci


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10


*Overall:* 14/20


 I think this is an interesting cautionary tale.  I really liked the haiku form poem at the end.


_”He just tied up his last loose end in New York . . .'_
 There needs to be a “had” between “he” and “just.”


_” . . . and a hundred thousand virgins' . . .”_
 No apostrophe on virgins—it's not possessive.


*Title:* Untitled
*Author:* Hairball


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10


*Overall:* 13/20


 I didn't want to give this a score.  I know how difficult this must have been to write and it's incredibly brave of you to put yourself out here with this piece.  It's a beautiful tribute to your sister that you want to share this story.


 A good majority of this story is telling and not showing.  As much as it hurts to describe, for a narrative, the readers need description to actually see (and feel) what's happening.  What does a morphine machine look like?  What does it sound or smell like?  Put us in a single moment with your sister and we'll feel the same pain of loss that you do.  Especially if we have description of that moment of sitting with Corinne and talking with her and her saying “I can't believe I'm going to die first.  I'm only 48.”  That's where this story lies and, honestly, the story could end on that line.


 Hospice is not a proper noun and doesn't need capitalized.  If the fact of there being five sisters is important to the story then we need to know that earlier in the story.  Because it's so late I think it's safe to assume that it's not important.


 There's so much you can do with this story, and I would like to see it again with some polish.


*Title:* Piggies!
*Author:* Dubhthaigh


*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 8/10


*Overall:* 18/20


 I had one comment and that was “scary.”  It's a little eye-roll worthy to end with 'They were getting dangerously big.”


*Title:* The road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions
*Author:* HarperCole


*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10


*Overall:* 17/20


 I like that this has a happy ending and that the story is science fiction yet is rooted in what could be real-world history.  Your story has the added quality of making me wonder.


*Title:* Walk Me Out
*Author:* Christola


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 4/10


*Overall:* 12/20


 The narrative is fine but I have difficulty connecting to this character.  


_”The sun was laughing through the clear blue chill and he couldn't cry anymore.”_
 The first part of this sentence is a personification and, because there are two clauses here it's easy to attribute the “he” and “laugh” to the sun.  I would split these into two sentences.


_” . . . hugging the life . . . _
 What?  How does one hug life?


_” . . . the he pried the can open . . . _
 “ . . .then he pried the can open . . .”


_” . . . slurping towards the residual liquid . . .”_
 How does one slurp towards something?  Is he a slug?


_”Then returned the can to the backpack . . .”_
 “Then he returned the can to the backpack . . .”[/i]


 Definition from dictionary.com;  Effigy: 1. a representation or image, especially sculptured, as on a monument.  2. a crude representation of someone disliked, used for purposes of ridicule.


 Neither of those definitions indicate a _body._


*Title:* Tryst
*Author:* ned


*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 4/10


*Overall:* 12/20


 I was amused at the premise behind this story and I would forgive a lot of things for being amused but I can't forgive the central idea behind the story being misused.


 Definition from dictionary.com; Tryst: 1. an appointment to meet at a certain time and place, especially one made somewhat secretly by lovers.  2. an appointed meeting.


 Neither definition implies the meaning for which you're using this word.


*Title:* Mars Won
*Author:* LoLeah


*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10


*Overall:* 17/20


 This is depressing and sad—and a really good bit of science fiction.  I like that instead of focusing on the science you focused on the characters and did so in a realistic way.


*Title:* Sick
*Author:* Smith


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10


*Overall:* 16/20


 I can't personally identify with a mass-shooter though I enjoy reading about them.


_” . . . I thought anyway.”_
 The “anyway” doesn't add anything and it doesn't make sense.  It also doesn't add anything to the narrator's voice.


*Title:* Something at the Door
*Author:* GodofWine


*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10


*Overall:* 14/20


 I like a good werewolf story and I like that you left the reveal to the end.  This could have been anything from an ax murderer to the little girl from “The Ring” and leaving the reveal to the end was a good choice as it helped to ratchet up the tension.


 Some of the dialogue is a bit cliche.


_”Each person stared at the other in disbelief.  Tiffany shook off the fear, stood up, and closed, and closed the garage door.”_
 “Other” should have an “s” at the end as there is more than one “other.”  Tiffany should be shaking off _her_ fear and only needs to close the door once.


_”A wry smile crept slid across his face as he slammed the bat into his palm again.”_
 Choose either crept or slid.  Either will work but will personify Dan a differently.  Crept will indicate a hesitant glee while slid will show no hesitation.


_”He looked at William and watched the man look as though he wanted to blend into the wall of the garage.”_
 How do you watch a person do that?


 Have you seen “Dog Soldiers?”  I bet you'd like it.
  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Teb's Scores] 
 Kat
Reunion
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:14

Review

An unexpected take on the subject, with some very nice touches and mental images. Sometimes a bit disjointed but a good entry.

rcallaci
Killing Time
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:17

Review 

A risky topic to tackle in these troubled times, handled very well indeed.

Haiball
Untitled
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall:15

Review

A short but  poignant entry, but it only appears to skim the surface and at times had  things seemingly thrown in as an afterthought.

Dubhthaigh
Piggies
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16

Review

Another short  but well written story. Not sure what 8 year old girl takes delight in  thinking of slaughtering a pig for bacon so maybe the end has saved a  few lives in the long run. Good entry though.

HarperCole
The road to heaven is paved with bad intentions
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:17

Review

A good old  conspiracy story, the change in tense at the end threw me a little but  after reading it again I got where you were coming from.

Christola
Walk Me Out
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:15

Review

A nice touch to  use the Grateful Dead lyrics as part of this, but the bit where he eats  a tin of tuna in the middle of burying a body seems out of place for  the rest of it. Does he often stop mid-burial to eat fish? Other than  that, a well written piece.

ned
Tryst
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall:18


Review


Sorrowful in a subtle way, with a twist at the end that brought a smile to my face. 


LOLeah
Mars Won
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall:14


Review


I desperately  wanted to feel something because the piece itself is well written and  grammatically perfect in my eyes but it failed to evoke any emotions for  the characters. I realise the word limit is restricting but maybe  losing some of the filler to try and make me understand the desolation  and emptiness  might have worked better.


Smith
Sick
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall:16


Another  very risky entry by modern standards but this one leaves the  imagination to fill in the blanks, and given the amount of times this  type of thing has happened, and the media coverage it gains when peoples  first reaction is to whip out the camera phone and record the event for  Youtube, the imagination takes those blanks and fills then the minor  details. Rant about the failings of modern society aside, this is a good  entry.


GodofWine
Something at the door.
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16


Review


Tiffany  shook off the fear, stood up, and closed, and closed the garage door. -  The only flaw I saw in the layout. The difference in reactions from the  group was well put, but I found myself wanting Dan to throw the  baseball bat and shout 'Fetch' at the end.


-------------------------------


That's  it for the reviews folks. I haven't gone into the depths some other  will, instead simply giving a few thoughts on each entry. I was trying  to review each one as they were posted to help keep it fresh but alas  work got in the way and the last few entries have been done as a job  lot. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=20oz's Scores] Kat
"Reunion"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 15/20

*Review:*  The voice and tone were consistent as the MC recollected all causes and  effects of the flood. Very rarely did it diverge--the closest it got  was the "frat boy" joke.

There  were numerous moments in the story that needed a comma. It did not  sound right without them. Also, there were a few fragmented sentences  that did not work and missing periods for “Mr.” and “Mrs.”

I  liked its themes. Togetherness. Connection. Mother Nature. I just felt  that it missed its mark because the MC couldn’t decide what events and  details were important. 

But then again it could be the 650 word limit.



rcallaci
"Killing Time"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5 
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect:* 8/10
*Overall:* 17/20

*Review:*  The story never let up. It just kept going crazier and crazier. It  explored a touchy subject, and with the recent events around the  world--Paris Bombing and San Bernadino shootings--it was nonetheless  entertaining. However, it was a tough pill to swallow.

The effect that story had on me would have been higher. But the writer held the reader’s hand when they shouldn’t have— “…said Samuel Pickerford to the young man sitting in the seat next to him” and “The son of a bitch incapacitated him”.Once I see that, once I see a writer treating their readers as dummies, I get all huffy. 



Hairball
"Untitled"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10
*Overall: *12/20

*Review:*  It needed to be polished. There were some unnecessary details that went  nowhere. There were clauses that could have used extra attention. It  could have been more inventive in structuring its sentences. It just  needed that extra time to cook.

Despites its flaws, it has heart. It hit me in the feels. But it could have been better in a lot of ways.

I can’t say much else because it’s basically a skeleton.



Dubhthaigh
"Piggies!"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect:* 10 /10
*Overall:* 19/20

*Review: *That was dark. I loved it.

It was a taut piece of work. There was no padding. There was no skimming. It felt whole with its characters, plot, and history.

This is definitely one of my favourites. Even the “require” that should have been past tense did little to break the flow.



HarperCole
"The Road to Heaven is Paved with Bad Intentions"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect:* 10 /10
*Overall:* 20/20

*Review: *Very nice.

It was polish and well-thought-out. Character, voice, story, it all shined.

And how he was able to use the prompt without it feeling like it was shoehorned is magic. Top tier. 



chrisatola
"Walk Me Out"
*Spelling/Grammar: *4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect: *10/10
*Overall:* 19 /20

*Review:* I rather like the story. It took creative liberties in its narrative.

It’s great to read a lot of details from time to time. Normally it would  bother me. But since it’s consistent—and I find consistency very  important when telling a story—I was able to applaud the writer for  keeping at it and not being distracted.

Also, the writer trusts his readers to piece everything together.



ned
"Tryst"
*Spelling/Grammar: *3/5
*Tone/Voice:  *4/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 13/20

*Review:*  The writer could have been more patient in sharing their work. From  what I read, it was rushed either to meet a deadline or to get feedback.  Whatever the cause, it’s a shame it wasn’t executed properly.

Misusing the quotation marks and others things did not help either.



LOLeah
"Mars Won"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:  *5/5
*Effect:* 10/10
*Overall: *19/20

*Review:* Very clever and intriguing.

The beginning was an outstanding prerequisite. It helped shape the meaning AND it helped setup the story! 

There  were a lot of excellent things about the story. How the meaning was  presented. How restrained the story was. How clean and skillfully  structured the sentences were. It’s top-notch through and through.

I kind of feel like I liked it more than I should have. Oh well.



Smith
"Sick"
*Spelling/Grammar: *5/5
*Tone/Voice:  *5/5
*Effect: *10/10
*Overall:* 20/20

*Review:*  There are a lot of stories similar to this. A lot of people would say  there are no original ideas. I say there are a lot of unoriginal voices.  

This is one of those stories that could have been "just another one" for the pile.

It’s not too disturbing. It’s not too bland. It’s balanced.

It’s  could be argued that it was too safe but that’s entirely up to someone  else to decide. I do not need to read about someone’s head exploding to  get its effect. If the story can get away with telling as little as  possible—I’m not saying devoid of details—but still get some emotion  from the reader, it’s strong storytelling.



Godofwine
"Something at the Door"
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:  *5/5
*Effect:* 9/10
*Overall: *18/20


*Review: *Aw yeah.

There  is nothing wrong with a straight-up horror story. I get sheer delight  reading them. They’re fun and digestible. However, I did feel the horror  tropes were too heavily leaden in the story. It’s not a bad thing, it’s  just I’ve been exposed to it since childhood.

I could not let this go: “Tiffany shook off the fear, stood up, and closed, and closed the garage door.” [/spoiler2]


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## escorial (Jan 2, 2016)

Well done


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## TKent (Jan 2, 2016)

Congrats!!!!


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## Harper J. Cole (Jan 2, 2016)

I'm flattered, thank you! 

*kilroy*, the name of my story was actually "The road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions".


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## kilroy214 (Jan 2, 2016)

Oops.


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## Harper J. Cole (Jan 2, 2016)

Thanks. Thanks also for running the show, and to the judges for all their work.


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## Smith (Jan 2, 2016)

Thank-you judges! ^_^ Congratulations Harper and Dubhthaigh!


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## LOLeah (Jan 2, 2016)

Congrats to the winners and runners up and huge thanks to the judges and kilroy for your time commitment! I know this would be kind of a bugger right around the holidays, I appreciate all your critiques so much. And I have to say I am very pleased with my score as it beats my personal best in 3 write offs now.


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## Teb (Jan 2, 2016)

Thanks to all entrants for taking part, LM never fails to impress with the insight into peoples imagination. 

Judging was harder than I expected in some areas, but also easier in others so it kinda evened itself out. If anyone has any criticisms, compliments or questions or comments about my scores or remarks please feel free to pm me and I will try to set the record straight.


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## rcallaci (Jan 2, 2016)

congrats to the winner and runner ups- thanks to the judges...


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## Dubhthaigh (Jan 2, 2016)

Congratulations HarperCole and a big thank you to the judges!


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## 20oz (Jan 3, 2016)

Congratulations everyone. 

Next time, in February, I shall not be so lenient. Also, I didn't want to get my preference to get in the way. Maybe I'll factor that in next time?


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## Smith (Jan 3, 2016)

20oz said:


> Congratulations everyone.
> 
> Next time, in February, I shall not be so lenient. Also, I didn't want to get my preference to get in the way. Maybe I'll factor that in next time?



Your profile picture excuses you. ;P

But no really, you did fine, keep up the good work! Good judge volunteers are always welcome!


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## Ariel (Jan 3, 2016)

I would suggest impartiality when judging.


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## chrisatola (Jan 3, 2016)

congrats to the winners and thanks to the judges!


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## Hairball (Jan 4, 2016)

I was so busy with other stuff here......THANK YOU!!

Congrats to all....I love this.


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## godofwine (Jan 4, 2016)

Thank you guys for the reviews, the reviews (this is the ridiculous error I made in my story “Tiffany shook off the fear, stood up, and closed, and closed the garage door.”). Anyway, congrats to the winners and placers.


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## godofwine (Jan 5, 2016)

Amsawtell, I'm going to pull up Dog Soldiers when I get home. Believe it or not, I was going to watch this a month ago, but saw Howl instead. I am a huge fan of the werewolf genre. I actually wrote a werewolf short story about 5 years ago with an interesting twist.


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