# Flatulence



## JoannaMac (Jul 1, 2007)

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]I live in Korea right now working as an aerial artist in a night club. The other night after threatening to quit our job, my partner and I went up to the boss’s office (Mr Yi) to renegotiate the terms of our contract. This is an excerpt from my diary concerning the evenings events. Thought you might find it slightly amusing. One day I hope to publish the whole diary.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The only other thing worth mentioning about that night concerns flatulence. Mr Yi shares his office with a three other people; Mr Kim the head engineer, Mr Im, an investor, and another man whom I'd regularly seen in there but was never introduced to. Rotund and in his mid-sixties, I've no idea what his job is at the club, and I don't think I've ever heard him speak. Most often when I've seen him he's asleep sitting on the lounge, snoring quietly with his mouth open. [/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]While in the office negotiating our new deal with Mr Jang (stage manager), Mr Yi and Mr Kim, this man came in and sat down at a desk behind one of the computers. As usual I forgot he was there until he farted loudly. In the rather strained atmosphere of the office, it was the last thing I expected to hear, and as no one else acknowledged it, I thought perhaps I was hearing things.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]There had been a similar incident concerning Mr Im one time in the office, where I was pretty sure I'd heard him fart but couldn't be certain as once again it didn't register with anyone else. At the time he'd been leaning against a leather couch and I'd rationalized to myself that leather can sometimes make squeaky noises reminiscent of farting. Yes, I thought, that must have been it because how is it that no one else seemed to have heard it? [/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]I've never been in the situation where a loud public fart didn't elicit some sort of reaction from people near by. Farting is something we all do, but where I'm from, one does ones best not to get caught doing it in public as the results are usually rather embarrassing. Utterances of disgust will often be heard as people move away from the source of the offending noise, covering their noses to protect themselves from the ensuing bad smell. At the very least people will point and laugh.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif][FONT=Times New Roman, serif]I remember being at gymnastics training one Saturday morning when I was about 12. I was up on the beam with my arms above my head preparing to do a backward walk-over. For some reason despite having done it thousands of times before, I'd developed a block and became petrified of falling off. My coach Mrs Schultz made me try it on the low beam which was fine, and then on a slightly higher one, which was also fine, but when it came to the Olympic height, I freaked out and couldn't go through with it.[/FONT][/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Mrs Schultz became impatient and said loudly "Right Joanna! What’s wrong with you? I don’t have time for this!" Other people in the gym stopped what they were doing to look over, which made me even more nervous. "Come on Joanna!" she barked "Quit wasting my time! You're not coming down till you’ve done it, so I’d get on with it if I were you!" Now everybody had turned to see what all the fuss was about. Dismayed I looked down at all the expectant faces and suddenly without warning, my stomach took matters into it's own hands. I farted, and not just a little toot either. This was the expulsion of built up nerves and panic. I didn't see it coming and was totally unprepared for it's violence.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Despite my protesting bowel, I remained rooted to the spot, arms above my head. At first there was silence, but then someone snorted and suddenly everyone else packed up laughing. In a state of shock I stood frozen in the preparatory position until my brain caught up with events, after which I jumped down from the beam, charged through the crowd and hid in the toilet. I'll have to stay in here forever, I thought. For how could I possibly live this down? I was never a popular child, but now I’d be officially a social leper. The roaring laughter bouncing off of the gym walls still echoes in my head today. [/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Anyway back to Mr Yi's office. The man had just farted, and the absurdity of it especially given the stressful circumstances, made me want to laugh out loud. Very carefully not looking at Vlad, I quickly scanned the faces of the other people in the office to see if anyone noticed, but they’d chosen to ignore it. I fought to control my face and the more I tried, the harder it became. [/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]And then he farted again! I happened to be looking at him at the time, and distinctly saw him lean to one side, pass wind, and sigh contentedly. It was too much. I can't imagine what I must have looked like, but the next ten minutes were a real struggle. I absolutely knew laughing was out of the question, which only went to increase my growing hysteria. The urge to laugh was so strong I thought the top of my head might blow off if I didn't find a way to release the tension. [/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Somehow I swallowed it though. Concentrating hard on a spot on the floor, I ground my teeth together and rubbed holes in my temples. I gave my thigh a good pinch which helped bring me back from the brink. Slowly the tightness in my head dissipated. What a shame. I rarely get the chance here to have a good belly laugh, and nearly blew a gasket trying to suppress it.[/FONT]


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## mammamaia (Jul 1, 2007)

sorry to say, the title alone turned me off, joanna.. then, scanning ahead and seeing references to farts and your 'bowel' made me _sure_ i didn't want to read this... not that i'm so dainty that i don't approve of writing about such personal body functions, but just that i don't find such stuff appetizing enough or funny enough to waste time reading about 'em... 

others here may think otherwise, so i'll leave critique of the writing to them... hugs, m


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## Voodoo (Jul 3, 2007)

joanna, i love you
Like a star.
I've not a star in my hand
i've a woman in need
of beano.

Love you.


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## JoannaMac (Jul 3, 2007)

mammamaia said:
			
		

> sorry to say, the title alone turned me off, joanna.. then, scanning ahead and seeing references to farts and your 'bowel' made me _sure_ i didn't want to read this... not that i'm so dainty that i don't approve of writing about such personal body functions, but just that i don't find such stuff appetizing enough or funny enough to waste time reading about 'em...
> 
> others here may think otherwise, so i'll leave critique of the writing to them... hugs, m



I'm disappointed you couldn't get past the word 'bowel' to read the story Maia. It's not gutter humour.


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## graceful truth (Nov 3, 2007)

charming....and the title is what made me read it! it was lovely how you recaptured the past, related it to this situation in a way that made me feel like I knew the speaker.  well done.  But how did you ever comeo ut of the bathroom!!!!


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## JohnN (Nov 4, 2007)

haha, the title made me read it. Are the rest of your diaries as interesting?


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## winner (Nov 4, 2007)

*VERY FUNNY !*

:smile: I liked your title. It caught my attention right off and made me want to look and see what had been written about it. And your story was hilarious!! :joker:I was laughing as I read it. Very good.


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## JoannaMac (Nov 5, 2007)

graceful truth said:


> charming....and the title is what made me read it! it was lovely how you recaptured the past, related it to this situation in a way that made me feel like I knew the speaker.  well done.  But how did you ever comeo ut of the bathroom!!!!



Thankyou! I wrote this and hardly anyone read it. I thought it was long buried, so actually it's come as a pleasant surprise to see a few more comments here. 

I don't remember coming out of the bathroom. I just know I sat in there a long time agonizing about it. Like most things though, it was forgotten  within a week. People weren't too cruel


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## JoannaMac (Nov 5, 2007)

winner said:


> :smile: I liked your title. It caught my attention right off and made me want to look and see what had been written about it. And your story was hilarious!! :joker:I was laughing as I read it. Very good.



Thanks for reading Winner. I really appreciate that you've taken the time to take a look at all my writing, and I'm very glad you enjoyed it


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## JoannaMac (Nov 5, 2007)

JohnN said:


> haha, the title made me read it. Are the rest of your diaries as interesting?



Thanks John. I didn't post any more of my Korea diaries here because the response I got wasn't that enthusiastic. But the main point for me is to have some sort of record of the time. My brain is like a sieve, so it's important for me to get my experiences down on paper before they disappear into the general fog of my very bad memory.

If you'd like to read some more of my diary stuff, have a look at the pieces I wrote about my time at the Moulin Rouge.


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 5, 2007)

Don't confuse posts with views Joanna, I read it back then but didn't comment and with 126 views so must quite a few other people, I sometimes wonder if views includes guests do they pm amongst themselves outside the forum? I have had threads with loads of views and almost no comment.


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## JoannaMac (Nov 5, 2007)

Well, I didn't really think about it like that, but until yesterday only two people had left comments, and I think quite a lot of the views have also happened in the past 24 hours.


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## Loulou (Nov 16, 2007)

I just saw this Joanna.... ahh, you write so elegantly about farting, and what a gift that is.  This was engaging, funny and honest.  I can't understand why mammamia would come into a thread to make a comment that she wouldn't read it.  Why even bother?  That's like going into a restaurant and sitting at a table but saying you're not going to eat.  Don't waste the waiter's time.  I remember your Moulin Rouge pieces and if you are getting this altogether as a memoir it'll be worth reading.


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## JoannaMac (Nov 16, 2007)

Well hello Miss Lou Lou! How nice of you to drop by  I'm glad you liked you liked my little piece about the passing of wind. I'm also not sure why Maia didn't read it, but I posted it as a newbie here. Had she known me a bit better back then, she may have taken the time to read it. 

But no matter, you did! And thanks very much. I always appreciate your comments


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## smilinghelps (Nov 16, 2007)

Joanna,

This is hilarious!  I can imagine being in that room w/ that man--I would have lost it.  I couldn't hold that laugh in!  Or I would have excused  myself and walked out.  Either way, I would have had NO self control.

In response to your personal experience---ROFLMAO!!

First of all, I was also a gymnast.  I remember the pressure and the fear of performing and so I completely understand your initial anxiety.  But the humiliation you faced in front of all your peers--purely human!  Hilarious and horrifying all at once.

I feel your pain.

Loved it!


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## Shinn (Nov 16, 2007)

Hi Jo 

I really enjoyed reading this piece. As smilinghelps said, it was hilarious and also horrifying all at once. Keep up the good work.

~ Shinn


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## JoannaMac (Nov 18, 2007)

Hey Smiling! Thanks for reading. So you're a fellow ex-gymnast huh? How far did you go with it? I was a big chicken and quit at 15 years old(I started at 5). I seemed to be perpetually in the middle of a growth spurt and totally not in control of my body. I ended up packing it in and doing spring board diving instead. In the end I quit that too after two years because of the fear factor. Yep big 'ol Cowardy Custard, that's me.

I'm still a coward, but my husband is such a bully, he makes me do stuff even if I'm too scared. He's a world champion sports acrobat and grew up in Soviet elite sport system. Saying "I'm too scared" doesn't work. He whips me till I can do it. Only joking...... sort of. No I'm joking 

Anyway, back on track. I'm glad you read this and thanks very much for the lovely feedback. It's the first piece of mine you've read isn't it?


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## JoannaMac (Nov 18, 2007)

Shinn said:


> Hi Jo
> 
> I really enjoyed reading this piece. As smilinghelps said, it was hilarious and also horrifying all at once. Keep up the good work.
> 
> ~ Shinn



Hey Shinn! Thanks for reading. I haven't heard from you in while, nice to hear from you


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## Shinn (Nov 18, 2007)

No worries, Jo. Haven't heard from you in a while either


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