# December 2016 - LM - Santa's Confession - Scores



## kilroy214 (Dec 28, 2016)

Ariel
danielstj
Gavrushka
HarperCole
total
TKent
19
18
16.5
18
17.8
Godofwine
14.5
19
16.5
14
16
_Santa's Nick'd_ 
by midnightpoet
17
15
15.5
16
15.8
_A Gift of Guilt
_ by Terry D
17
14
15.5
16.5
15.75
Makili
13
14.5
17.5
13
14.5
JaneC
12.5
13
16.5
15
14.25
rcallaci
14
13.5
15
14
14.125
The Fantastical
14
11
13
13
12.75






We saw some great stories this month, but as the Highlander says, there can only be one! I would like to thank our somewhat-sort-of-kind-of secret panel of judges we had this month, they all did a stellar job and deserve a round of applause.

In First Place we have *TKent* with *I Didn't Say Anything*
Second goes to our own* Godofwine *with his story *The Last House on Christmas Night*
and Third is *Midnightpoet* with *Santa's Nick'd
*
Congratulations to you all. You may now Like or Lol or Thank any entry you may have wanted to, if there are any mistakes, please let me know.

And now the Scores!

[spoiler2=Ariel's Scores] *Title: *The Last House on Christmas Night
*Author: *godofwine

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone: *4.5/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *14.5/20

 This was a sweet story overall and the tone played into that sweetness just fine.

_“. . . he was finally almost done-just one more house to go.”_
This dash here should be an em-dash, which is just an extra hyphen line.  Your typing program will fix it for you so that it isn’t two hyphens side by side.

_“He waited a moment, focused, and once the delightful sound of peace graced his ears he grabbed the one final bag . . .”_
The commas around focused makes it read like “focused” is a secondary clause to the sentence which is what the commas bracketing it are about.  Here it seems like you’re using them for a list because of the “and.”  The real secondary clause is everything after “focused” up to “ears” and it is in those two places that the commas should be.  “One final” is redundant and a waste of your word count.  I’d drop the “one” so that it reads “he grabbed the final bag.”

_“’This gold watch belonged to your great, grandfather, and your grandfather, and I want to return it to you.”_
Between great and grandfather is where you need a hyphen.  Further, you don’t always need a comma before the word and.  This sentence might be clearer and read better if it were written like this: “This gold watch belonged to your great-grandfather and your grandfather; I want to return it to you.”

*Title:  *Coca-Cola and Chips
*Author: *The Fantastical

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *14/20

 I think the world-building in this is interesting.  I wish this was longer to fill out the word count so that we could have had more of a grasp on that world-building.

_“The snow swirled down out of the night sky too fill the head beams with small wonderlands of patterns, each one new and unique.”  Albert loved the snow, so soft, so quite . . .”_
 “Too” should be “to” because “too” means “also.”  I would drop the “s” on “patterns” as pattern modifies “wonderlands” and only the main noun needs to be plural.  I would drop “one” from “each one” as it is redundant and eats your word count. The snow is quite what?  Ah, you mean “quiet.”

_“ . . . maybe some un-jolliness was understandable but  . . . . again . . .”_
There are only three dots to an ellipses.  They also have a space before and after and between each.

_” . . . and with this newfangle satellite tracking . . .”_
There should be a “d” at the end of “newfangle.”

_“Turning he saw, Joe’s hand . . .”_
There shouldn’t be a comma here.

_“Albert looked at Joe’s rather round wast.”_
 “Waist.”

I would also use fewer exclamation points.  It distracts from the reading.

*Title: *The Truth
*Author: *JaneC

*SPaG: *3.5/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall: *12.5/20

 The story idea is unique and interesting.  I wish that the voice was stronger, maybe a bit more dialectical?

 The biggest grammatical mistake in this is that “Clause” is defined as “1. Grammar. a syntactic construction containing a subject and predicate and forming part of a sentence or constituting a whole simple sentence. 2. a distinct article or provision in a contract, treaty, will, or other formal or legal written document.” It is not the last part of “Santa _Claus_,” which means “Saint Nicholas” as “Claus” is a variant of that name.

_“I started out small, like breaking toys of my classmates . . .”_
There should be an article between “breaking” and “toys.”

_“Was someone out for a soul searching night beneath the stars?”_
This in particular seems to be out of character for this speaker.  Why would he immediately think of this about someone being out at night?  Why wouldn’t he wonder if it was someone doing something clandestine which is why _he’s_ out?  People tend to think other people are like themselves.

 Why for the love of all that is holy did you bold “my fate?”  It is already in its own sentence.  It’s already distinct.  Now it’s an eyesore as well as a cliché.

*Title: *Santa’s Nick’d
*Author: *Anonymous

*SPaG: *4.5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect: *8/10

*Overall: *17/20

 This was very entertaining.  I wanted to chant with the elves.

_“ . . . I’m ashamed what I’ve become.”_
There needs to be an “of” somewhere in there.

*Title: *A Gift of Guilt
*Author: *Anonymous

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect: *8/10

*Overall: *17/20

 This was probably my favorite story of all of them; it was very poignant.

_“Bob new he’d find the man he was looking for here.”_
Knew.

_“ . . . where dim lights cast sallow shadows.”_
This doesn’t compute logically.  Lights don’t cast shadows.  “Sallow” and “shadow” are opposites.

*Title: *The Saint
*Author: *Makili

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall: *13/20

 I appreciate the reminder that “Santa Claus” is a saint.  I think this is too short of a space to do your story justice but I liked what we have.

 The spelling and grammar issues are small and really just nit-picking. 

_“The only solace I have these days is in thundering of the sea outside, on whose waves my spirit continues to wander.”_
This either needs re-stated or there needs to be a “the” before “thundering.”  I have a problem with the last paragraph.  If he is confined to the crypt as a dead person wouldn’t that mean his spirit is confined there?  Then how is his spirit wandering waves?  Logically the two lines don’t work together.  Personally, I think your ending would be stronger if they were struck out of the story altogether (though I would hate to lose the beauty of the last line).

*Title: *I Didn’t Say Anything
*Author: *Tkent

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect: *9/10

*Overall: *19/20

 I think this is the highest score I’ve ever given.  This story was well-written, thoughtful, and entertaining from beginning to end.  

*Title: *Sugar Plums, Mistletoe’s, and Screaming Fairies
*Author: *RCallaci

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall: *14/20

 I like how you play with names and deities.  I think it’s clever and interesting that you find these parallels.  This has one of the grossest descriptions I’ve ever read.  It’s very masculine but alienating as a woman to have a period associated with sensitivity.  I’m not counting it against you but you might want to know about that reaction.

 In your title “Mistletoe’s” shouldn’t have an apostrophe.

_“Stop screaming and buzzing around in my ear you insufferable pixie bitch, I’m not deaf you over-zealous fool.”_
There should be a comma before “insufferable” and the sentence should end after “bitch.”  

There is an abrupt shift of perspective from third person to first person after the story break. 

_“ . . . stunningly beautiful forever young looking fairy queen . . .”_
There should be a comma after “beautiful” and a hyphen between “young” and “looking.”

_“’Don’t be a baby.’ Said Tinkerbell . . .”_
I’d have that period be a comma.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=danielstj's scores] *godofwine
**“The Last House on Christmas Night”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 9
 Overall: 19/20

 Comments: What a great story! It was engaging from start to finish and held that certain sense of holiday sentimentality that really struck my heartstrings. The prose was fluid and, from what I could see, basically flawless. Additionally, the interaction was original and alluring. It was a pleasure to read. Wonderful stuff!

*The Fantastical*
*“Coca Cola and Chips”*
Spelling/Grammar: 3
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 11/20

 Comments: There was a lot of explanation and description in this story despite the fact that not much action occurred. To me, it was not altogether the most entertaining thing to read. I also felt that the ending could have used a bit more of a push, or shock, to make it more effective.

*JaneC*
*“The Truth”*
Spelling/Grammar: 3
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 13/20

 Comments: Your style was very interesting here. The twist that you made from what we would typically attribute to Santa Claus (you spelt the name wrong) was intriguing and you got extra points for that. Overall, I thought it was a successful spin on the classic conception that was a little rough around the technical edges. Still, good effort!

*Anonymous*
*“Santa’s Nick’d”*
Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4.5
 Effect: 7
 Overall: 15/20

 Comments: This one made me smile at all the right parts—or at least I hope so! The courtroom drama was very well brought forth and the references added to the enjoyment of the piece as a whole. Overall, I liked it but felt that the ending could have been a little stronger but, nonetheless, this was a good piece.

*Anonymous*
*“A Gift of Guilt”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14/20

 Comments: The seedy bar setting and the story surrounding it brought out the limelight in this piece. I felt that you used the setting to bring out the elements in your story that you were trying to emphasize but that your beginning could have foreshadowed or been utilized more directly to support the rest of your story. Overall, though, a worthy effort!

*Makili*
*“The Saint”*
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7
 Overall: 14.5/20

 Comments: A mythical, if not mystical, take on the Santa Claus (or Saint Nicholas) advent. I liked your style with this one but it seemed, for me at least, that the fact that it was mostly a passive style of writing made me less captivated than I could have been. Despite this, it was still a read that I enjoyed and considered worthwhile. You had some great sentences in this one.

*TKent*
*“I Didn’t Say Anything”*
Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 18/20

 Comments: The Santa in the mall phenomenon takes on new heights. I liked your piece TKent and felt that it had a lot to offer. The personalities came off as strong and I’m surprised you managed to fit, so well, that many characters in such a small piece and give them dimensions. This was a wonderful climax. Good show!

*rcallaci*
*“Sugar Plums, Mistletoe's, and Screaming Fairies”*
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 13.5/20
 Comments: This was an original take on Santa Claus that picked up steam towards the ending and concluded, in my opinion, stronger than it started. I quite enjoyed the twist at the end. The parts in italics were not as engrossing as the latter parts of the story yet I still liked it. [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Gavrushka's scores]  _
[*]_*Godofwine
**“The Last House on Christmas Night"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8.5
 Overall: 16.5*
 A seasonal short that leaves a smile that lasts beyond the prose is hard to beat, and this does just that. It flows well, and the interaction between the two characters is difficult to fault. I did enjoy your opening descriptive prose, setting the scene, and it was a good preamble to the story proper. 

 I’d have distilled ‘belying his size and ponderous bulk’ to ‘belying his ponderous bulk’ as I think the two terms have too much overlap. – And the ‘feebly backed up’ was, well forgive the pun, a bit weak! :razz:

 Great entry. Well done!


__
_
[*]*The Fantastical*_*
“Coca Cola and chips"
 Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5
 Effect: 7
 Overall:13*

 OH NOES, there was a spelling mistake in the title. I’m going to have to unjolly well kill you for that! LOL. -I did chuckle at the irreverent tone of this. – You do entertain, but you must work hard on the technical side. Your storytelling ability isn’t to be doubted, but I’ve the impression you tend to rush through things, and would make a far better go of it if you took more time. – Your effect score is right up there, so just push a little harder on the other parts.

– There are a fair few oopses in this, including ‘too’ instead of ‘to’ in the opening line and a wast rather than waist towards the end. There were others, and I’ll point those out if one of the others doesn’t.  Careful on tenses too, as I think you used a rogue present tense when the rest was past imperfect. (I think it was a ‘has’ rather than ‘had’) – There was a ‘yelled in whisper’ too, which read a little uncomfortably.
 One other thing is renaming an object or person too often. – It can grate on a reader if the name appears several times, especially in the same paragraph. – Albert should have become ‘he’ where there was no chance of ambiguity, and the chimney count was a little high too.

 If you can, print out next month’s entry and read it aloud before entering. – It’s a simple way of understanding your words a little better, gaining some insights into how others read them.


___
[*]*JaneC*_*
“The Truth"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4.5
 Effect: 8
 Overall:16.5*
 A great use of the prompt. I liked the mix of long and short sentences, and it led me through the story quite smoothly. Well done!

 There was a place where I read ‘of’ and expected a ‘from’, and I’d thought the ‘She asked’ should have been ‘she asked.’ The voice was exceptional, but there was just a word or two too many added to some sentences, and paring them would have improved the delivery for me.
 But a great first entry, and I don’t doubt you’ll be an LM Pulitzer award winner very soon, if not this month! – I’m Looking forward to reading more of your creative prose. 



__
_
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“Santa Nick’d"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7.5
 Overall:15.5*

 A lovely flippant story, with gentle, farcical humour throughout. I… I think I recognise the style, and enough to identify the author. :razz:
 Although it flowed well, I don’t think you quite nailed the ending. – I like where it ended up, but I just didn’t feel you punched the reader as hard as you might have. Still, it wasn’t bad, just not your best.

 It just goes to show how tenuous immersion can be. – One word can throw you, and I dropped out, just for a moment, when you used ‘Stand’ twice in the same sentence. – If you’d used ‘it’ in place of the second occurrence, it’d have read much more fluidly.  And I’m not marking you down for this, put IF it’s ‘THE’ federal prosecutor, shouldn’t it be capitalised? Worldwide is a single word? (I think payoffs/pay-offs is more ambiguous.)


__
_
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“A Gift of Guilt"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3.75
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7.75
 Overall:15.5*

 There’s some great description in there and the characters work pretty well too. I think the only thing that spoiled the story for me, is I saw the punchline coming a long time before it arrived. – Perhaps it was a lucky guess, but it did downgrade the ‘effect’ for me.

 The homophone in the second line did pull me out of the story for a moment (new/knew), but I was pulled back into the smooth flow quickly. – One issue I have with it is that you have an unnecessary word here and there, or even a cumbersome phrase that could have been simplified. ‘Into the pocket of his coat’ felt flabby, ‘coat pocket’ working better for me. – I know such matters can be considered ‘style’ and I’d agree if it was in description rather than a simple action.

 But I see a very able writer who has created an enjoyable short. I look forwards to reading more by me. Unlike the last anonymous, I didn’t recognise whoever penned this. 

___
[*]*Makili*_*
“The Saint"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
 Tone/Voice: 4.5
 Effect: 9.5
 Overall:17.5*

 What an enjoyable and thought provoking piece. I’ve judged many, many times on here and this is one of the best I’ve ever come across. You have talent, a lot of talent, and I hope you have the tenacity to stick with it because this short story has given me a glimpse of just where it could lead you.

 It felt ‘wrong’ to have to mark you down for what I recognise as ESL issues, but I don’t think you’d have appreciated it if I’d marked you differently to other entries. – A phrase here and there had its clauses in an uncomfortable order, and the occasional word/phrase didn’t quite fit, but that’s just a technical issue that’ll evaporate with practice. 

 I’d like to read more of your work, a lot more. 

__
_
[*]*TKent*_*
“I Didn’t Say Anything"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall:16.5*


 Well, this went in an unexpected direction, and I enjoyed the nice, crisp read. All but flawless, there’s not too much I can say other than I’d have robbed a little from the preamble to use at the end. – I think the great build up meant I expected a sharper punch at the end. But, hell yes, was a great piece. 

___
[*]*rcallaci*_*
“Sugar Plums, Mistletoe’s and, Screaming Fairies "
 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7.5
 Overall:15*


 Haha, well, I wasn’t expecting quite that. I’m sat here, clenching tightly, lest I receive a visitation.

 This was a flippant, irreverent and humorous little gem that, with a little work would have scored a little higher. It felt a little weighty in places, with some of the sentences feeling far too burdened for such a short story.

 But I love the adventurous nature of it, and it’s always a pleasure to read such prose. Thank you.

 [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=HarperCole's scores]  Merry Christmas to one and all! Here are you scores and comments ...

 * * **

 Author:* Godofwine

*Title: *The Last House on Christmas Night*

 Spelling/Grammar: *4.5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *3.5 / 5*
 Effect: *6 / 10

*Overall: *14 / 20

*Comments:

*Some good work here. I particularly liked some of the opening descriptions - little touches like Santa brushing the snow from the chimney before descending.

 The ending is nice, though we don't quite know the character of Brian well enough for it to have the full emotional impact. A scene with him and his grandfather might have worked to establish a connection between them, but I understand that the tight word limit makes that difficult.

 In terms of the story-telling style, the phrase "the old man" was used quite a lot in the first half of the story. I understand that you didn't want to name the man as Santa before he identified himself, but perhaps the text could be rejigged slightly to reduce the repetition.

 Incidentally, the item being a watch put me in mind of the Christopher Walken scene from Pulp Fiction, which might not have been the effect you were going for! 

 Only some mild SPaG issues ...


                            The old man landed on the *snow covered* roof as lightly as a squirrel, belying his size and ponderous bulk.                     



                            With a *white gloved* hand he brushed the dusting of snow from the brick, hefted the bag over his shoulder, lifted one leg over, then another, and silently descended into darkness.                     



“This gold watch belonged to your *great, grandfather*, and your grandfather, and I want to return it to you.”                     


I think that each of these word pairs needs to be hyphenated ("snow-covered", "white-gloved", "great-grandfather").

 All in all, strong work!

 * * *
*
 Author:* The Fantastical

*Title: *Coco-Cola and Chips*

 Spelling/Grammar: *3.5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *3.5 / 5*
 Effect: *6 / 10

*Overall: *13 / 20

*Comments:*

 A fun story, giving us a behind-the-scenes look at the business of Santa-ing, I like the idea of performance reviews, and getting the choice continents. Perhaps a punchier ending would have worked? It's always nice to finish on a humourous line, or a dramatic event.

 In terms of SPaG, a few things did stand out, mostly small points, mostly having to do with commas.


*Coco-Cola* and Chips                     


Should be "Coca-Cola", I think (you spell it this way in the story itself).


                            The snow swirled down out of the night sky *too* fill the head beams with small wonderlands of patterns, each one new and unique.                     


Should be "to".


                            Albert loved the snow*,* so soft, so *quite*, it dampened the sounds of the sleigh so nicely.                     


I'd suggest a hyphen instead of a comma here. Having established that Albert loves the snow, you go on to explain why. You need something a little more than a comma between these two clauses.

 Also, "quite" should be "quiet".


                            He looked over towards the chimney and shuffled his feet in agitation*,* his partner had been down there for five minutes already.                     


Similarly, in the first half of this sentence you describe Albert's agitation, and in the second half you give the reason for it. This needs more than a comma; I'd probably use a semicolon this time.


                            Albert worried that he might have been spotted*,* the last time he had been it was two years in jail for un-jolly behavior.                     


Again, a situation for a hyphen or semicolon.


                            He had to admit that it was hard being a Santa, not everyone had the mental wherewithal to *out smart* the tricks and hidden cameras that kids had these days and that was just on the job!                     


I think that "outsmart" is all one word.


*Nope* he had to admit that maybe some un-jolliness was understandable but.... again he looked towards the chimney.                     


I think that you need a comma after this word. If you read it aloud, there's a natural pause there.


                            All was *quite*, there had been no screams or lights flashing on.                     


Again, should be "quiet".


                            He turned from the chimney in disgust*,* "Oomph!" came from behind him.                     


Either this should be a period, or else you need the word "As" at the start of this sentence.


                            Turning he saw*,* Joe's hand searching for a good grip on the brickwork as more 'oomph's' arose from the chimney.                     


I'd move this comma to after the word "Turning"; there seems to be a pause there.


                            "Come *on* we still have five jobs to pull!"                     


A comma after this word seems more natural.

 It's a good story - the punctuation etc. will come with experience. :thumbl:

 * * *
*
 Author:* JaneC

*Title: *The Truth*

 Spelling/Grammar: *4 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *3.5 / 5*
 Effect: *7.5 / 10

*Overall: *15 / 20

*Comments:*

 Something a little different! This is, to put it mildly, a rather grim take on the Santa character. I like that you put a bit of humour in there as well, such as Santa "zoning out" in conversation with God. The only thing I was unsure of was what compels him to do good at the end of the story?

 A few SPaG points ...


                            Everyone knows the stories, the legend of how *Santa Clause* came to be.                     


I don't know whether this is a variant, but I've only ever seen his name spelled "Santa Claus".


                            Was someone out for a *soul searching* night beneath the stars?                     


"Soul-searching" is hyphenated.


“How does it feel to have such despair?” *She* asked.                     


Here "she" should have a small "s" as it follows quotations, unless you were deliberately using capitalisation to show divinity, but you do use a small "s" later on.

 It's always fun to see the varying takes people can produce for a single prompt - well done coming up with this idea.

 * * *

*Author:* Anonymous

*Title: *Santa's Nick'd*

 Spelling/Grammar: *4.5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *4 / 5*
 Effect: *7.5 / 10

*Overall: *16 / 20

*Comments:

*This is well done comedy, executed at a punchy pace. The legal jargon is well done; it's easy to imagine the put-upon elves forming their own worker's union. It might have been fun to explore the practicalities of the whole Christmas operation in more detail.

 Only a few minor quibbles with your use of words.


                            Payson, a heavy-set man with a bushy mustache, rose and approached *the stand*. He laid an elbow on *the stand* and eyed Claus.                     


Prose generally flows better for the reader if repetitions like this can be avoided.


                            It was *heart breaking*.                     


I believe that "heartbreaking" should always be written as one word.


                            Payson glanced at Tim Tiny in the audience. Claus was sweating in his own juices. *He* approached the stand as if he was a knight, sword in hand, ready for attack.                     


The "He" here refers to Payson, but Claus is the most recently named male character, so at first glance it seems to apply to him. Payson needs to be reestablished as the character who is being spoken of.


                            He was *sweating*.                     


You've already established that Claus is sweating a couple of paragraphs earlier, so it's best to use a different way of showing his nerves.

 Good job here!

 * * *

*Author:* Anonymous

*Title: *A Gift of Guilt*

 Spelling/Grammar: *4.5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *4.5 / 5*
 Effect: *7.5 / 10

*Overall: *16.5 / 20

*Comments:

*A look at Santa's seedy side! I think you did a good job with a rather crazy premise; a familiar story of adultery mixed seamlessly with elements of the Santa mythos.

 Your use of language is strong. Unfortunately, there is one slip that I noticed. The dreaded sound-alike typo, which has snared me many a time ...


                            Bob *new *he’d find the man he was looking for here.                     


All in all, excellent work with one of our trickier prompts.

 * * *

*Author:* Makili

*Title: *The Saint

*Spelling/Grammar: *3 / 5*
 Tone/Voice:* 4 / 5*
 Effect: *6 / 10

*Overall: *13 / 20

*Comments:*

 Again, a very different way of approaching the prompt. This largely factual account of the life of St. Nicholas is well done, though using a narration of past events does limit the capacity for drama.

 I liked your choice of words on the whole, but there were a few points which stood out while I was reading.


                            When I was alive, I used to admire *many* saints. In *many *dark hours of my wandering life, in their stories I sought counsel and found solace.                     


Text flows better for the reader if you can avoid using the same word twice in quick succession.


*But after* almost a thousand years of observing countless faces of pious men and women who converge to this crypt where my earthly remains are kept, do I understand what a burden sainthood is.                     


Should this read "But only after ..."? That seems to fit better with the rest of the sentence.


                            They were too poor to marry, heading for the path of selling their bodies as *an only option against* starvation.                     


This reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps "the only escape from" would work better?


                            Too proud and too shy, I never admitted.                     


Missing "it" at the end of this sentence.


                            The only solace I have these days is *in thundering* of the sea outside, on whose waves my spirit continues to wander.                     


Missing "the" between these two words.

 Thanks for the read!

 * * *

*Author:* TKent

*Title: *I Didn't Say Anything

*Spelling/Grammar:* 5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice:* 4.5 / 5*
 Effect: *8.5 / 10

*Overall: *18 / 20

*Comments:

*This darkly comic tale is extremely well done, with no SPaG errors that I can see and a satisfactory conclusion achieved within the strict word count. Certain details are left out, such as what the narrator's "day job" is, but they aren't too important for the story. It's a tease that leaves readers wondering what might happen next, now that the narrator has discovered his power.

 I suppose if I had to nitpick, I'd suggest that he might have shown a bit more surprise at the discovery, but this is a minor point. Oh, and I liked having his response to the final question as the title of the story - a clever device which also helps you get under the word limit!

*Author:* rcallaci

*Title: *Sugar Plums, Mistletoe's, and Screaming Fairies*

 Spelling/Grammar: *3.5 / 5*
 Tone/Voice: *3.5 / 5*
 Effect: *7 / 10

*Overall: *14 / 20

*Comments:
*Your stories always have a lot of darkness in them, so much so that I was rather surprised by the happy ending! I was a little confused by her calling him "Pan" towards the end - is this a Peter Pan reference? There seems to be a backstory here  I'm not clear on. Still, it's a fun, quirky story ... where else can you see Santa Claus calling Tinker Bell a bitch? :wink:


                            Sugar Plums, *Mistletoe's*, and Screaming Fairies                     


It's unfortunate to go wrong in the title - "Mistletoes" is a plural, and does not take the possessive apostrophe.


                            He *assumed* Tinkerbell was *probably* in the woods thinking things over.                     


A minor quibble, but I'd advise against using both "assumed" and "probably" in this sentence - they give much the same meaning here.


                            Don’t worry I also made you breakfast*,* poached eggs and eggnog.                     


I think this comma should be a colon, as the breakfast is composed of the eggs and eggnog. Using a comma makes it look like breakfast, eggs and eggnog are three separate meals.


“Don’t be a baby*.*” *S*aid Tinkerbell, “Open those beautiful blue eyes, I’m sure you’ll be relieved at what you see.”                     


Comma followed by small "s" here.

 Thanks for your entry - in fact, that goes for everyone!

 HC :santa:   [/spoiler2]


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## midnightpoet (Dec 28, 2016)

Thanks to the judges and congrats to the winner (great job) - it sounds like I needed a better ending, but frankly I wasn't sure of myself here.  Maybe if he'd pulled a pistol and shot an elf...or Tim Tiny...Hmmm. :grin:


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## The Fantastical (Dec 28, 2016)

Thanks! This was a fun month... Hope that next month is as fun!


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## rcallaci (Dec 28, 2016)

Congrats to TK on the win---a wonderful story, also to midnight and Godofwine for their engaging and delightful stories. A big hand to the rest of the entrants as well good stories all around. 

Special thanks to the judges, good scoring and excellant critiques. And of course to Kilroy our hosts of hosts

My SPAG is due to inattention and laziness, I gave myself a good beating especially my mistake in the Title for jimneysakes. 

Pan was not Peter Pan but the God Pan (The God of Wine and the  Wilds) although it also was implied that he played Peter Pan as well, I'm sorry I didn't make that clearer but 700 words only gets you so far. 

The shift to third person to first was intentional. That's why I did the break- to shift perspective. 

MY insensitivity  and coarseness about the period comment is not my fault it's Santa's -he made me write those things, I made him apologize. Seriously a lot of my writing is dark and inappropriate,  as is the world, many are offended by it but I do it tongue and cheek and mainly to raise ones hackles 

I'm a fable-maker and a myth-weaver and enjoyed writing this although I should have made it tighter, hopefully I'll do it right next time.


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## TKent (Dec 28, 2016)

Wow! What a cool X-mas treat  Thanks to the judges for your time and feedback  And to all of the participants as well. I've read several of the stories already and look forward to finishing the rest. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.


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## godofwine (Dec 28, 2016)

Thanks for the feedback. Obviously, commas still trouble me, and now they are joined by the hyphen. I admit, I didn't even consider the hyphen, something I will put to memory for the future. I realized that I used "old man" too much in the beginning, but I was attempting to draw out the reveal and as a novice I was unsure how to do that properly, so I just wrote. I kinda hoped the reveal would cover the flaw. 

I had a lot of fun with this one (reading it again after submitting I just knew that one of the judges was going to mention my putting present and presents in the same sentence at the end). These contests are great experience and practice (we talking about practice...not a novel...practice, man), and I participate so that hopefully I can gain the skill of recognizing an error or flaw in my writing while I am writing. Thanks to the judges and congratulations to TKent and Midnightpoet


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## Terry D (Dec 28, 2016)

Thanks to the judges and the organizer. You folks are the heart and soul of the LM! Congratulations to TKent; I knew this one was yours when I read your entry! And to godofwine, and MP for reaching the podium. Great work all around. 

I still can't believe I screwed up with the 'new'/'knew' thing. Of the many mistakes I make in my writing, homophones usually aren't won of them.layful:


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## Ariel (Dec 28, 2016)

Congratulations to all of our entrants. These were well-told stories and I liked these interpretations.

Rcallaci, I know you don't feel that way and I even know that a lot of men don't feel that way when they say things like that.  

I didn't think that was yours when I read it Terry!  That's very unlike you.


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## JaneC (Dec 28, 2016)

Congrats to TK for the win! Thank you judges! I didn't realize I added the "e" at the end of Claus.  This was a lot of fun and I can't wait to do it again!


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## TKent (Dec 28, 2016)

Finished reading all of the entries and thoroughly enjoyed them. Thanks again to the judges as it took a bit to read them "without" a judging hat on, so I really appreciate the time and effort folks put into this every month. I learned a key lesson on this one, don't hand it in right away. I wrote it one day then set it aside and came back and found a bunch of SPAG errors. Usually I just edit after writing and miss really basic stuff.


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## rcallaci (Dec 28, 2016)

TKent said:


> I learned a key lesson on this one, don't hand it in right away. I wrote it one day then set it aside and came back and found a bunch of SPAG errors. Usually I just edit after writing and miss really basic stuff.



So true, that's what I do, I will now wait a least a few days and look it over about twenty times


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## Gavrushka (Dec 29, 2016)

Was a pleasure to read all the entries this month. Without exception, each one raised a smile. - I'd thought I'd identified one of the anonymous entries by the style, but I was ever so wrong. 

Congrats to everyone who took part.


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