# Untitled Story. I



## wee_clair_064 (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi, I'm actual an newly pen to paper inspired writer. Always wanted to be one. Just never seemed to do it.  

But this is the first story I'm working on and I would REALLY appreciate your thoughts on it. 

I'm sure that there is properly umpteen grammar mistakes in there also. I'm doing Geography at university, not English!

The calmness of the night was disturbed by the crashing of the waves along the shoreline. I allowed my fingertips to gently skim over the sand, the grains scratching against my skin. It was quiet and peaceful moments like this that I could pull the memories from their box in my mind, allowing them to overtake me. I could hear my father’s voice whispering to my mother, causing her laugh breathlessly. I could smell her rich perfume interlaced with the salt filled air. I could feel the wool of the blanket, which my father had thoughtfully brought along , sliding against my arms. But the sea breeze, smelling of salt water, cruelly reminded me that all these things were figments of my imagination. That they no longer existed.
	So absorbed in my distant memories, I failed to hear the soft padding of footsteps approach. A playful scream startled me, bringing back the reality of the beach. I slowly peeled open my eyes, reluctant to leave the happiness of my past. I spotted a couple a little way off on the beach, giggling loudly and pulling each other towards the water. Pulling myself to my feet I decided it was finally time to make my way towards the flickering orange glow in the distance. 
	I had agreed, well, forcibly convinced, to come along to the beach bonfire by Sarah. My aunt had even handed me a spare key and given advise to use the side door. It couldn’t be heard from the bedroom had she assured me.
	I searched for the needle in the haystack and my eyes came across Sarah chatting to people I recognised from school. It wasn’t hard to recognize people around here. Sea Bridge was the type of town where everyone knew everyone and their mother’s mother. That, combined with the fact I had vacationed here each Summer since I can remember meant that I knew everyone and their mother’s mother.


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## Evil Jennius (Jul 22, 2012)

Adding an extra line space at the end of each paragraph makes it easier to read - any paragraph indentations don't work when you post.  It's not so bad in such a small excerpt, just something to bear in mind when you make a longer post. 

A few niggly bits I noticed:-



> The calmness of the night was disturbed by the crashing of the waves  along the shoreline. I allowed my fingertips to gently skim over the  sand, the grains scratching against my skin. It was in quiet and peaceful  moments like this that I could pull the memories from their box in my  mind, allowing them to overtake me. I could hear my father’s voice  whispering to my mother, causing her laugh breathlessly. I could smell  her rich perfume interlaced with the salt filled air. I could feel the  wool of the blanket, which my father had thoughtfully brought along ,  sliding against my arms. But the sea breeze, smelling of salt water,  cruelly reminded me that all these things were figments of my  imagination. That they no longer existed.
> 
> So absorbed in my distant memories, I failed to hear the soft padding  of footsteps approach. A playful scream startled me, bringing back the  reality of the beach. I slowly peeled open my eyes, reluctant to leave  the happiness of my past. I spotted a couple a little way off on the  beach, giggling loudly and pulling each other towards the water. Pulling  myself to my feet I decided it was finally time to make my way towards  the flickering orange glow in the distance.
> 
> ...





I was a little confused over her smelling her mother's perfume mixed with 'salt air' and how smelling 'salt water' could call her out of the memory - both smells seemed too similar to be much of a contrast.

Also the phrase 'everyone and their mother's mother' might have more impact if it was only used once.

Perhaps:-

"Sea Bridge was the type of town where  everyone knew everyone. That, combined with  the fact I had vacationed here  each summer since I can remember meant  that I knew everyone and their  mother’s mother."


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## wee_clair_064 (Jul 22, 2012)

Thanks, I didn't think about that. I think its supposed to read how smelling the plain salt air (missing the rich smelling perfume) pulled her out of the memory. But I think i'll change it!


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## Evil Jennius (Jul 22, 2012)

wee_clair_064 said:


> Thanks, I didn't think about that. I think its supposed to read how smelling the plain salt air (missing the rich smelling perfume) pulled her out of the memory. But I think i'll change it!



Maybe you just need to highlight that the perfume was missing, opening the sentence with something like:-

"But there was no perfume here, only the ozone of the sea breeze and it cruelly reminded her ..."

It's a good start (I forgot to mention that before, sorry) you do well creating an atmosphere in only a few paragraphs.


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## Janeylou (Jul 23, 2012)

Yes, I agree you do manage to create an atmosphere in only a few parafraphs.  I've little to add as Evil Jennius has covered all the niggly bits.  Well done!


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## The Backward OX (Jul 23, 2012)

I like the story. Parts of it bring back fond memories.

Having said that:

The atmosphere and image created by the opening sentence are all wrong. Waves crash continuously, so a calm night could never have existed to be broken. By way of comparison, something like “The stillness of the night was disturbed *at intervals* by the sound of distant explosions”, makes sense.

Knowing everyone and their mother would come easily to a *permanent* resident of a small town, but would that same knowledge be easily available to someone who only vacationed there each summer? I think not.

Keep it up, Wee Clair. You’ll make a writer.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 23, 2012)

It is night and you explore the senses of the night in those first couple of paragraphs, the sound of waves, then touch, scent (always good for evoking memories), the touch of a blanket and back to a scent. It is only when you move away from memories and back to the present that you bring vision into it, I don't suppose that you did it deliberately, but it is a very effective way of separating the two. I think Ox could be right again, you could well make a writer.


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## wee_clair_064 (Jul 25, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Its my first story so it is really appreciated! 



The Backward OX said:


> Knowing everyone and their mother would come easily to a *permanent* resident of a small town, but would that same knowledge be easily available to someone who only vacationed there each summer? I think not.



I was going to add in later in the story that the MC vacations all summer working with her uncle in his store. But it is probably better added in here! Thanks for bringing that to my attention!


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## Segrotlo (Jul 28, 2012)

Very pleasant.  I can't add anything but encouragement to continue.


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## Anonymous93 (Jan 24, 2013)

So far so good. Keep it going, the best way forward is plenty of hard work, patience and practice... trust me, I know.


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