# Ongoing Journal (graphic content - Adults only)



## Elvenswordsman (Dec 10, 2013)

Welcome to my life. To start, I'd like to address the season - Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I wish all the best to you and your kin in the next year.

2014 already, time sure has flown. I haven't had time to get my life together and I'm sitting here entering another year.

This time last year I was in Berlin, Germany, with a girl I'd been with for 3 years, who I loved. This is the first year in 3 I've been home, and truth to be told, I'm not dealing well.

When drama occurs, I tend to be the first to move on. I suppose it's an issue that my rational mind likes to take control of emotional situations, depriving my emotional mind of relief. But this time it's different, this time it was so entirely over the top I can't imagine it happened to me.

And I'm thinking about all this at Christmas time, during exam season, and not dealing with the things I should be dealing with.

It's interesting how some words can't be used to describe the occurrences of this year. I can't say Alicia (20 years old, German, ex-girlfriend) broke my heart, because that wouldn't be true; she still has it, and the depressing part is I don't know how to get it back.

It was March of this year I found out she was sleeping with her Physiotherapist, a 36-year-old German guy who she could only tell me was "much worse in bed" than I was, "not as well endowed" (which all sort of helped build the delusion), and that someday we'd be back together. Worst part is, I don't think she directly said the last bit, but I sure as hell believed it until about a week ago.

I had went over for Christmas, and extended my stay January 2nd (morning my flight was supposed to leave) so I could stay with her because we'd been talking about getting married and it only seemed to make sense. She'd been seeing her Physiotherapist for a while, and had even gone about inviting him to events she was performing at (she played accordion in an orchestra). I hadn't thought much of it, mainly because he was 16 years older than her.

March I left, found out the whole story, and tried to keep it together for a couple weeks before everything fell apart. I've developed slightly reclusive, introversion throughout this relationship. One has to when they consider themselves a player and they're in a serious relationship. I didn't trust myself around girls, nor did my ex. So I stayed in. A funny thing my new friend said just the other day - "You've NEVER been to the Cellar (pub at my University)?? You've been here over 3 years!" I suppose it's slightly indicative of my avoidance of temptation.

So surreal were the events, no closure - no ending to speak of really, just a Skype call.

I invented, I suppose, a lot of what had occurred to try and cope with it all. She had left me so I could sleep with other girls, then we'd be back together. She was just going to have sex with him so she had someone to have sex with regularly instead of strangers while I was gone. It all made perfect sense, and she explained it well to me.

Terrible, looking back, that I allowed myself to get to such a point of desperation for affection, validation. I'm shaking now thinking about it, whether due to emotions or hunger I'll have to figure out later. Kind of in the zone writing this.

So I did absolutely nothing about it. I waited, and waited, thinking it would all just become non-existent, so unreal it felt. However, once I found out she was living with the guy, I figured I should take action. This would have been about May, I hadn't attended any of my classes or final exams, and so I failed everything that semester. I was pretty shaken, my confidence low, but I was determined to prove worth.

I was a virgin until I'd been with my ex. She was my first, and it was an ideal I had striven towards (first love, only love). So entering the dating pool felt odd, although I knew I still had my ex to come back to once everything was over.

By the end of that first week of going out, walking around the town and talking to every beautiful girl I could find, I'd been with 2 other girls. My ex was astounded at the rate from 0-2, but considering I went from 18-21 with only one girl, I suppose it should be expected. She wasn't truly interested in me, nor in my exploits. Again, remember, I was delusional and idealistic.

Within a month I'd been with 4 other girls, and by the end of the summer I'd been with 11 or 12. I don't imagine this as so much of an accomplishment as a backlash to trying to hide my feelings, although I must say (embarrassingly) that heart to hearts weren't uncommon with the girls I was sleeping with post-coitus. Seems like a lot of people are hurting and just looking for validation.

I entered this semester of Uni intending to attend, but stopped going around the middle of October. My introversion had won out, and I was back in my room doing nothing. In my spare time I'd picked up Yoga and was running regularly. I was fit, in the most deserving of admiration as I had been ever in my life.

I just wasn't interested in other girls. So once a month I'd chat to my ex, deal with the fact that they were getting closer, but I still knew we'd be together. I was so great, how could she not come back.

Well, it was just last week she decided to tell me I'm weird. I told her that I had loved her, truly. She says "You're weird." I'm so confused, my request for an explanation was instinct. "I knew we weren't going to work. Probably since January when you decided to stay."

So I stayed in Berlin, with a girl I loved, who didn't return the feelings. No explanation as to the changed feelings, just non-existent.

Writing this makes it worse.

At any rate, that's what's on my mind. I just completely stopped writing the past, and feel almost unable to continue writing this. Odd, seeing as it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. I'm conscious of it at least.

Welcome to my life, will continue this into the future.

Cheers,
Elven


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 16, 2013)

So wow! Just got in from shoveling the first GOOD snowfall this year - got a good foot or two of it on the ground, took me 2 hours to clear it all out (shovel 5 parking spots at my apartment building). I'll have to post pictures. Final exam of the semester today, glad to be able to put that behind me. Speaking of which, it starts in an hour and I should probably get some food (and shower) before heading out.

God I smell like a hockey bag.


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## escorial (Dec 16, 2013)

life's a journey man....stay safe man.


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## popsprocket (Dec 16, 2013)

Although I would call snowboarding easily one of my top favourite activities, I am very glad not to live somewhere that it snows.


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## Pandora (Dec 16, 2013)

Elvenswordsman said:


> So wow! Just got in from shoveling the first GOOD snowfall this year - got a good foot or two of it on the ground, took me 2 hours to clear it all out (shovel 5 parking spots at my apartment building). I'll have to post pictures. Final exam of the semester today, glad to be able to put that behind me. Speaking of which, it starts in an hour and I should probably get some food (and shower) before heading out.
> 
> God I smell like a hockey bag.


Oh two wonderful moments, almost done and on semester break, bravo! and SNOW. 
I loved to shovel before we moved to the South. People thought me crazy but it is so gratifying.
 My favorite was shoveling in the evenings as the snow fell. So quiet and bright in the dark night, peaceful, lovely.
 Then come in and warm by the fire with a Schnapps and hot chocolate, yum. Yes please some pictures,
 winter pics of the snow so beautiful. Life is good!


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## Pandora (Dec 16, 2013)

Elvenswordsman,  I remember back to my second decade of life. There is peace in the saying
time will tell. Your young woman may return to you smarter than she was. She may not, leaving you smarter for it.
My disgust lies with the therapist who is near twice her age, surely a lesson lies there for all involved.
When I look back over the following three decades now approaching my sixth, I see the whys of the hurts. 
That indeed hurting can be a blessing, it is how our heart grows, how we learn to forgive and understand.


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 16, 2013)

The entire time I was outside, I was singing an old tune called "Over the Hills and Far Away" by John Tams. I'm also a lover of snow removal 

There's something about visibly seeing progress that I like, perhaps it's the stage of life I'm in.

Thanks for the words, I agree on points, and I know others I should understand better. I'm working on it.


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 16, 2013)

escorial said:


> life's a journey man....stay safe man.



I once had a teacher say something similar. And then quote Robert Frost. I hope you'll not do the same 
But thanks, I will be safer than I have been in the past.

- - - Updated - - -



popsprocket said:


> Although I would call snowboarding easily one of my top favourite activities, I am very glad not to live somewhere that it snows.



As for you sir, shame on you. I'd trade one day of snowboarding for 30 days of shoveling. Oh wait, I do.


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## Ariel (Dec 17, 2013)

I'm sorry about your heartbreak, Elven.  To be perfectly honest for me to move past my ex it took blocking him on all media and refusing to speak to him.  I had to take down all pictures of us.  I also ended up sleeping with one of his friends but it only made the hurt worse.

I'm better now and I have Fella and Miss.  It's a long and hard journey towards recovering yourself from heartache but it's worth it.


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 17, 2013)

Thanks amsawtell, I'm caught between my two minds - emotional and rational - and sometimes I don't care about it, and other days I'm inconsolable. The issues that arise from overdeveloping different sides of our personalities.


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## Kevin (Dec 17, 2013)

The Playbook: 





> blocking him on all media





> refusing to speak to him.





> take down all pictures


 and skuh-doosh!





> sleeping with one of his friends


 You have my admiration...this is what it takes to get over someone and move on.





> I'm better now


 see? I went through the same thing. I spent nearly a year. It took one of my friends to say "What's this?" to her picture on my wall. I took it down. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and told myself "It's over, it's over, it's over *smek, smek*"  After, I told myself no more boo-hooing, so I stopped, forever. I was still sour, but I moved on.


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 17, 2013)

I'll just hope not to reach the year mark, tomorrow is fine with me.


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## Ariel (Dec 19, 2013)

Kevin said:


> The Playbook:  and skuh-doosh! You have my admiration...this is what it takes to get over someone and move on. see? I went through the same thing. I spent nearly a year. It took one of my friends to say "What's this?" to her picture on my wall. I took it down. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and told myself "It's over, it's over, it's over *smek, smek*"  After, I told myself no more boo-hooing, so I stopped, forever. I was still sour, but I moved on.



I'm not sour about the relationship now--I can see the warning signs were always there. I'm not sour about anything other than the way he treated me near the end.  I broke up with a different guy after 3 years because he implied I was a whore and I let this last one flat-out say it to me?  I'm upset about what I allowed myself to become because I wanted what he offered.  

Lesson learned--don't make yourself be _less_ for someone else--no matter how undeserving you think you are.  And once I figured that out I reconnected with my Fella.  We grate each other's nerves sometimes and we have those days where irritability just electrifies the air between us but i now know he's the one for me.  I'll fight for our relationship not just because of who he is but also because he respects and loves me.


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## Pandora (Dec 19, 2013)

amsawtell said:


> Lesson learned--don't make yourself be _less_ for someone else--no matter how undeserving you think you are.  And once I figured that out I reconnected with my Fella.  We grate each other's nerves sometimes and we have those days where irritability just electrifies the air between us but i now know he's the one for me.  I'll fight for our relationship not just because of who he is but also because he respects and loves me.


Beautifully, truthfully said amsawtell, the recipe for a lasting relationship.


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## J Anfinson (Dec 23, 2013)

One day at a time, Elven. I've been there too. Yet, once you meet the right one you'll forget all about the others. While you're waiting to find her, I'd suggest finding something positive like a hobby or career to focus on.


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## Elvenswordsman (Apr 25, 2014)

While stripping tonight, all I could think was "I hope The Eggman doesn't show up."


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## Pandora (Apr 25, 2014)

Elvenswordsman said:


> While stripping tonight, all I could think was "I hope The Eggman doesn't show up."


All I got is Goo goo g' joob" (I thought it was coo coo ca chew)  

So glad you are back!:hi:


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## Kevin (Apr 25, 2014)

Rather vague... why would the Eggman show up at a strip club? Who is the Eggman, anyway, and what happens if he shows up? Just more questions...


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## dither (Apr 26, 2014)

Elvenswordsman said:


> Thanks amsawtell, I'm caught between my two minds - emotional and rational - and sometimes I don't care about it, and other days I'm inconsolable. The issues that arise from overdeveloping different sides of our personalities.



The chimp paradox.

Long story.


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## Elvenswordsman (Apr 26, 2014)

Kevin said:


> Rather vague... why would the Eggman show up at a strip club? Who is the Eggman, anyway, and what happens if he shows up? Just more questions...



I suppose I was being deliberately coy. My father refinishes floors, and "stripping" is the act of pulling wax off the floor, and then we re-wax it. It was a supermarket, and there was a chance the egg delivery guy would show up and walk on the wet wax (really bad). When I thought of the circumstance though, it gave me a good giggle. Sounds funnier out of context.



dither said:


> The chimp paradox.
> 
> Long story.



Sounds interesting.


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## dither (Apr 26, 2014)

Swordsman,
it is actually a lot of paperback, 335 pages.
It is, or rather the author is, getting a lot of column space in the newspapers over here, due to his apparent ability to transform a certain premier league football team from regular 6th/7th placers into world beaters.
I bought this book hoping to glean little gems of hope and wisdom, something, anything, that might throw me a line, but it only made things worse, served to confirm my worse suspicions about myself, i can see how he, and his book, could be a great motivational tool, but a self-helper it isn't.

dither


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## Elvenswordsman (Jun 1, 2014)

*sighs* my will has won out over my self-pity and validation seeking, so all you get to read is this.


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## Gofa (Jun 1, 2014)

Only good hearts get badly hurt.  Not to go all mystical on you but a lady played fast and loose with my heart many years ago. She was Dutch. PS watch out for cultural differences. I can't explain why I thought of it, but this was the healing.
I found a large rock. I told the rock the good and the bad over a period of time. Finally I took the rock and threw it into the sea. It broke the connection I had closure. It was not a simple action to toss the rock either. Did do the job though


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## dither (Jun 2, 2014)

Gofa said:


> Only good hearts get badly hurt.  Not to go all mystical on you but a lady played fast and loose with my heart many years ago. She was Dutch. PS watch out for cultural differences. I can't explain why I thought of it, but this was the healing.
> I found a large rock. I told the rock the good and the bad over a period of time. Finally I took the rock and threw it into the sea. It broke the connection I had closure. It was not a simple action to toss the rock either. Did do the job though



Interesting.:neutral:


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