# Dear friend



## AnnieAnne (May 1, 2015)

Dear friend, I write to know if you’re ok
  I write to know if you’re alright
  I missed you more when I looked at the stars tonight
  Sometimes without you here it’s hard
  Yesterday I brought flowers to your graveyard

Your mom was there, she brought roses
  And I just brought violets and daisies
  And some improvised verses,
  Didn’t have much more to offer.

I know there’s more poetry in flowers than in words
  But you were a simple person afterwards,
  I hope you remained simple where you are.
  I’m pretty sure they don’t serve caviar,
  I hope the verses feed your soul.
  Your mom won’t cook you chicken soup anymore,
  But I will always write poetry for you.


----------



## Firemajic (May 1, 2015)

A very nice melancholy poem... "I hope the verse feeds your soul".... lovely line, imo.. the best one. I would love to see you kick this up a poetic notch.. Dig a tiny bit deeper, express your pain... you lost someone you love, show me...  This has wonderful bones... Thank you for sharing your lovely poem with me... Peace always... jul


----------



## pgbthewriter (May 1, 2015)

I really enjoyed reading this. The ending finished this nicely.


----------



## Olly Buckle (May 1, 2015)

Structure, you have some sort of a rhyming scheme going on in the first verse, allright, tonight, hard, graveyard, not the first line, and the meaning is repeated in the second line. Then no more rhymes, but half rhymes in the last part, words. afterwards, are, caviar. Three groups, verses, five lines, four lines, seven lines, no symetry there, or in the line length. Do the verses break according to the subject, for me it could well go,

Dear friend, I write to know if you’re ok
I write to know if you’re alright
I missed you more when I looked at the stars tonight
Sometimes without you here it’s hard

Yesterday I brought flowers to your graveyard
Your mom was there, she brought roses
And I just brought violets and daisies
And some improvised verses,

Didn’t have much more to offer.

I know there’s more poetry in flowers than in words
But you were a simple person afterwards,
I hope you remained simple where you are.
I’m pretty sure they don’t serve caviar,

I hope the verses feed your soul.
Your mom won’t cook you chicken soup anymore,
But I will always write poetry for you.

None of these things are essential, the main thing is having something to express and that relies to a great extent on being able to access emotion directly, but having done so it can then be worked on and edited to give it greater impact. The devices such as alliteration, rhyme and rhythm work, rhyme doesn't always have to be at the end of a line to be effective, rhythm not always regular if the subject is not, things can be used in various ways, and as with using any new tool they take getting used to, but I feel you could benefit from them.

"But you were a simple person afterwards", I don't follow this line, why 'afterwards'? after what?

Some  of the images are a bit 'standard', 'I looked at the stars tonight', 'they don’t serve caviar', 'mom won’t cook you chicken soup', but the juxtaposition of the everyday with such an abnormal  situation works well for me. You can use anything, and if you understand it and are deliberate it will work, but the more techniques you learn and practise the more tools will come naturally to hand when needed.

All the best, enjoy your writing, Olly.


----------



## AnnieAnne (May 4, 2015)

Olly Buckle said:


> Structure, you have some sort of a rhyming scheme going on in the first verse, allright, tonight, hard, graveyard, not the first line, and the meaning is repeated in the second line. Then no more rhymes, but half rhymes in the last part, words. afterwards, are, caviar. Three groups, verses, five lines, four lines, seven lines, no symetry there, or in the line length. Do the verses break according to the subject, for me it could well go,
> 
> Dear friend, I write to know if you’re ok
> I write to know if you’re alright
> ...



Hey Olly, first of all, thank you so much for taking some time to help my poem to become even better and give some constructive criticism, I really appreciate that. You did the verses breaking perfectly, i wasn't very sure how to do it, but it looks so much better this way ( cause poetry isn't just about the content but a lot about the structure too right?) It was hard for me to keep the rhyme going along the poem, and my poems do usually rhyme. This poem ends up being more about the person that is grieving that the friend that was lost, so I really wanted to focus on that. I know it doesn't have much impact in terms of sadness or grief, but I wanted to mix death with a life that goes on. The poem ends up being like a piece of a journal of someone that now has to live his life normally, and deal with the pain. I will keep working on my poem, thanks for the advice!


----------



## Crowley K. Jarvis (May 5, 2015)

Ah.

If the rhyming is causing you trouble, then why not skip the rhymes? 

Then you could use powerful words without the chains of a rhyme structure. 

Just something to think about. I'll agree with Olly too on the line breaks. 

Other than that, though, good work. 

Haven't seen you around yet. Hm. Hello then. They call me Crowley. Don't mind the boiler on my back. Welcome to WF.


----------



## AnnieAnne (May 11, 2015)

Hey Crowley. I signed up a year ago, but haven't been around lately. Lack of inspiration I guess. Thanks though


----------



## Blade (May 11, 2015)

I find it hard to say much after Olly's post but I do have a couple of comments.

Firstly the title and first two lines. The first two words of the poem repeat the title and the second line, more or less, is a repetition of the first. I think this could be condensed and made more direct and effective.

In line with Crowley K Jarvis's comments I think you may be held hostage by rhyme here. IMHO the English language is not particularly inclined to rhyme in the first place and making it work, without being cliche, may do more damage than good. Thing is, again IMHO, rhyme that only half works is a distraction rather than elegance of presentation.:-k

Enjoyed.:sunny:


----------



## Sonata (May 11, 2015)

I am wondering whether it should be



> Yesterday I brought flowers to your grave



and not "graveyard", as the flowers were for a particular person and not all the people laid to rest in the graveyard.


----------



## AnnieAnne (May 11, 2015)

Sonata said:


> I am wondering whether it should be
> 
> 
> 
> and not "graveyard", as the flowers were for a particular person and not all the people laid to rest in the graveyard.



Haha great point! Let's just all have a moment of silence as this poem ended up being a disaster


----------



## Sonata (May 11, 2015)

It is not a disaster at all.  It just needs a few tweaks.


----------



## Blade (May 11, 2015)

AnnieAnne said:


> Haha great point! Let's just all have a moment of silence as this poem ended up being a disaster



It is not a disaster, just a work in progress. Usually just getting something out on the page is a great accomplishment. Once it has been flushed out of the darkness it will likely need a little attention to polish it off.

The subject of the poem is in the graveyard, not the poem.:encouragement:


----------



## escorial (May 25, 2015)

a really thought provoking piece


----------

