# Dawn



## TL Murphy (Mar 21, 2019)

*Dawn*

Two boys paddle
a yellow boat 
in whitecap waves.

White gulls 
swoop
on a warm wind.

Red sun
cuts the eastern sky
with fire.

In your hungry eyes
I see 
the moon

but no fish.


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## ned (Mar 22, 2019)

hello - a poem called dawn. is fraught.....

and too many familiar expressions, for me.......red, fire
although 'cuts' is interesting, it doesn't nail it as imagery

not sure what 'moon' refers to
'no fish' is OK, but hadn't they just started out?

and have to say, the poem engaged me.....................Ned


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## Darren White (Mar 23, 2019)

That last line makes me smile 
I can imagine myself sitting there on the beach with the one I love
Hungry for everything but fish.


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## PiP (Mar 24, 2019)

A minimalistic poem? with wonderful imagery. I can imagine myself on the shoreline with my lover watching the boys in the lapping waves and gulls catching the thermals.

This paints a wonderful image of sunrise 
_Red sun
cuts the eastern sky
__with fire._
****
I like the harmony of sound (euphony)/alliteration in this stanza

in whitecap waves.

White gulls 
swoop
on a warm wind.

However, after reading the poem (please don't groan) I am left wondering why two boys would be paddling a boat before sunrise. Am I having a senior moment?


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## TL Murphy (Mar 24, 2019)

Pip, dawn is the best time to catch fish. The fish are hungry because they can't see in the dark any better than we can.  If you want to catch fish at dawn you have to be on the water when the sun comes up.


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## PiP (Mar 24, 2019)

TL Murphy said:


> Pip, dawn is the best time to catch fish. The fish are hungry because they can't see in the dark any better than we can.  If you want to catch fish at dawn you have to be on the water when the sun comes up.



Now I understand.

In your hungry eyes
I see 
the moon

but no fish.

That's great! Almost senryu in execution?


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## TL Murphy (Mar 24, 2019)

Thanks.  Just a little history for perspective.  In the late 70's and 80's when I lived on the wild South Shore of Nova Scotia, many fishermen still went out in small boats.  Education was not considered something that furthered opportunity but getting up early and going to sea in harsh conditions was.  I don't know what the statistics are today, but at the time, the fishing industry had the second highest fatality rate of all occupations second only to tree fallers.


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## dannyboy (Mar 25, 2019)

I really liked it TL.


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## PiP (Mar 25, 2019)

TL Murphy said:


> Thanks.  Just a little history for perspective.  In the late 70's and 80's when I lived on the wild South Shore of Nova Scotia, many fishermen still went out in small boats.  Education was not considered something that furthered opportunity but getting up early and going to sea in harsh conditions was.  I don't know what the statistics are today, but at the time, the fishing industry had the second highest fatality rate of all occupations second only to tree fallers.



Tim, ... it must be like pulling teeth.  I confess I know very little about fishing so my perspective was skewed. I was trying not to think of the meaning of the poem but more the images painted in my mind's eye and the image was that of peace.

The original image I had in my mind of white cap waves was probably very different to yours.









Maybe the title 'Dawn' is too broad for this poem and you need something darker that hints at the topic. I was already aware it was dawn from 
Red sun
cuts the eastern sky
with fire.

What I completely missed was the turn where the pronoun  'your' is perhaps more of a personification?

Readers are only the sum of their life experience and as such perhaps we have a tendency to weave our own story.


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## TL Murphy (Mar 25, 2019)

well, the poem takes on its own life so whatever story the reader sees in it is what that reader shares with the poem. this poem isn’t necessarily about fishing or dawn or lovers on the beach.  it’s a feeling that is evoked from the poem.  and you are right, pip, about the word ”your”. it’s personification, not necessarily one person looking into another’s eyes.  it also implies that the moon is a reflection, meaning the speaker sees the moon behind him, likely setting as the sun rises. you can interpret that any way you want to. the last line seems to make it all irrelevant anyway.


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## PiP (Mar 26, 2019)

Thanks, Tim. When you posted a little history for perspective, I thought you were trying to lead me towards a particular meaning. 



> the poem takes on its own life so whatever story the reader sees in it is what that reader shares with the poem.



Exactly.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Apr 1, 2019)

Hello Mr Murphy! So uhm, let me ask you; and I'd like to apologise beforehand as I'm from the Philippines and we are predominantly conservative and I am highly inept in social things... I got really thrown off by the first line. Essentially, there are two boys. And there's a lot of imagery pertaining to lust. Am I correct in assuming these two boys are lovers? If yes, then this is a very excellent read; the passion is quite palpable. And that eyes imagery was awesome.


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## unveiledartist (Apr 23, 2019)

TL Murphy said:


> *Dawn*
> 
> Two boys paddle
> a yellow boat
> ...



My first thought this reminds me of an impressionist or maybe surrealist painting. I say that because the last line holds a lot of meaning so if I were to picture of someone else's huge eye (as in surreal painting, perhaps), water, moon, without fishes and boys rowing in the background. I'd probably interpret that the boys trying to find I guess context to life (fish-context and water-life). They are so far out they think there is fish because the expanse of the ocean is huge; but if they looked closer in context (closer in the painting), there are none. Life just is.

With or without meaning, it stands as is.

Nice job.


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## TL Murphy (Apr 26, 2019)

TheFuhrer02 said:


> Hello Mr Murphy! So uhm, let me ask you; and I'd like to apologise beforehand as I'm from the Philippines and we are predominantly conservative and I am highly inept in social things... I got really thrown off by the first line. Essentially, there are two boys. And there's a lot of imagery pertaining to lust. Am I correct in assuming these two boys are lovers? If yes, then this is a very excellent read; the passion is quite palpable. And that eyes imagery was awesome.



Herr Fuhrer,

It doesn't really matter what my reasons are for writing what I wrote.  The only thing that matters is what's in the poem and if it works for you.  If you see two lovers and lust and this makes an exciting read for you then I would say you are absolutely right.  You nailed it.  Glad you liked the poem.


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## TL Murphy (Apr 26, 2019)

unveiledartist said:


> My first thought this reminds me of an impressionist or maybe surrealist painting. I say that because the last line holds a lot of meaning so if I were to picture of someone else's huge eye (as in surreal painting, perhaps), water, moon, without fishes and boys rowing in the background. I'd probably interpret that the boys trying to find I guess context to life (fish-context and water-life). They are so far out they think there is fish because the expanse of the ocean is huge; but if they looked closer in context (closer in the painting), there are none. Life just is.
> 
> With or without meaning, it stands as is.
> 
> Nice job.




Yes, with our without fish, it stands as it is.  And you are right, it is like a painting, impressionist or surrealist.  You can see both. There is a scene set, then a turn and then a paradox imposed on the poem which brings the first two parts together in a slightly uncomfortable resolution.  It's a lot like haiku, just longer.  I spent a year writing tankas everyday, another Japanese form which precedes the haiku form but includes a haiku, having an extra two lines of 7 counts each.  This poem is much like a tanka, just a little looser in form.  But all the elements are there.


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## Outsider (Apr 26, 2019)

This poem is very visual, only visual.  I was wanting the sounds of the gulls, the wind and the waves, the smell of the sea, but hey, that's only me.  Were you trying to make a point by reducing the poem to only visual images?


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## unveiledartist (Apr 26, 2019)

I like your poem because at first thought it made me felt like a breathe of fresh air. Really. I love water and the outside world; so, this poem gave me that flashback especially before the storms this evening. Perfect timing.

The read is very easy and flows well. I like the simplicity and little to lack of punctuation. One of my favorite traits in poetry is knowing when to use punctuation and when it's unnecessary. Shorter poems and/or short lined poems get away with it easier. 

What stuck out was your use of color: yellow, white, and red because it pushes the two settings forward replacing the need for fancy words etc. I also like how you bounced moon, sky, and water around in the scenery. Very moving.

I really don't have critique but if you wanted to play around with "white gulls" to another color or similar, that _may _work too to throw another option out there. 

This is a perfect closing:

In your hungry eyes
I see 
the moon

but no fish.
-
To tell you honestly, it kind of shocked me (lack of better words) that this poem talked about what you see in the other person. Just like novels, I like poems with good endings and some just surprise me. This particular one I didn't need an introduction or description beforehand to lead to the closing. It works isolated. 

For the meaning, this is just me and has nothing to do with your poem. The last part flew over my head. Don't change it. I wanted to ask what it meant to you as the poet.

Well written work and keep writing these poems. Reminds me of surrealism art.

Nice job.






TL Murphy said:


> *Dawn*
> 
> Two boys paddle
> a yellow boat
> ...


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## unveiledartist (Apr 26, 2019)

TL Murphy said:


> Yes, with our without fish, it stands as it is.  And you are right, it is like a painting, impressionist or surrealist.  You can see both. There is a scene set, then a turn and then a paradox imposed on the poem which brings the first two parts together in a slightly uncomfortable resolution.  It's a lot like haiku, just longer.  I spent a year writing tankas everyday, another Japanese form which precedes the haiku form but includes a haiku, having an extra two lines of 7 counts each.  This poem is much like a tanka, just a little looser in form.  But all the elements are there.



Oh my gosh, I didn't know I wrote to critiques. Sorry about that.


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## TL Murphy (Apr 30, 2019)

Unveiledartist, no problem.  Write as many critiques as you like.  It’s nice to hear from someone who considers the poem deeply as you have. One thing about short poems like this is that meaning can be so broad. There doesn’t even have to be a solid intention in the poet’s mind.  The poet’s recognition of intuitive meaning is enough to launch a poem.  It doesn’t have to have a moral or support a particular story.  It’s enough to know that it will resonate with a reader.  As far as the ending goes - it’s not important that you know what it means, or even if it means anything.  It’s more important that it makes you pay attention and perceive how the various images play off each other.  The stanzas and even the lines in a poem like this could be presented in any order.  What is interesting is to speculate why the poet put them in the order that he did.


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