# July 2014 - LM - Stranger at the Door - Scores



## Fin (Jul 29, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Stranger at the Door


Made the deadline! A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, *Folcro*,  *Bruno Spatola*, *kilroy214* and *amsawtell* for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**Bruno Spatola**kilroy214**amsawtell**Average**Kyle R*151919.51817.87*”Times are Hard” - Gyarachu *14162019.7517.43*Bishop*151718.51817.12*astroannie*1417.517.7518.516.93*thepancreas11*131719.517.2516.68*garza*15181716.516.62*”A Winnowing” - Terry D*12171918.516.62*Circadian*1516.5171716.37*”Obregón” - Pluralized*1215181916*J Anfinson*11151918.515.87*Ari*1415.5181615.87*Euripides*1016.517.2517.515.31*Hitotsmami*1615.513.51314.5*Plasticweld*1214171514.5*”Hello, My Name is Allen Wallbrook” - Dictarium*1116151614.5*ravensty*1313.5151313.62*midnightpoet*1115.513.751413.56*Pishwi*11161412.513.37*EmmaSohan*161611913*CraniumInsanium*714151312.25*Guy Faukes*1113121212*godofwine*1014.5111211.87*ShadowEyes*131471111.25*escorial*811141111*Ibb*10158.5910.62*Gofa*89777.75


Congratulations to *Kyle R* - first place with his story *Underneath it All.*
In second, we have *Gyarachu* with gender entry *Times are Hard.*
In third place, we have *Bishop* with his entry *A Pair Of Docks.*





Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

Stranger at the Door
Hitotsmami
Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
*Total: 16/20*

Not that it's technically wrong, but "I swept on a robe" didn't rub me quite as smoothly as "I swept a robe over my back" or something of the sort. But that was the one nitpick of mine for the story.

It's not often I find such efficient writing. I'm impressed.

The dialogue is also executed like a pro; I especially like how you form a clear difference between the speech of Diane and of Jon. A weirdo should sound like a weirdo. You made it real.

*"I'll call the police," I said: *Should have been a new paragraph.

While I was superbly impressed by the liquid efficiency of your prose, I wish this story had gone somewhere. The whole first name, middle name coincidence was a little reaching and the outcome seemed inconsequential. I really enjoyed the exchange between these characters--- again, it felt real--- and while I did feel a hint of satisfaction when jackass was left with none, I would have liked a bit more of a kick.

The "stranger at the door" line was forced, made it feel like you were shouting "See! I followed the prompt!"

I think you are an incredible writer, and am glad to have had this opportunity to taste your talent. I look forward to seeing what you can do with more time and space.



I Have No Story
Plasticweld

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12/20*

*...it did not seem right, let alone fair: *But did it seem ethical?

* I can see them lean in as he speaks: *To have said "They lean in as he speaks" would have been enough, even would have made the sentence more effective. "I can see..." is something more for noting the subtle, noting something others can't see or won't see, which could arguably fit here, if you described it like "I could see their attentiveness: motionless eyes, bodies leaning in, not a phone in sight."

*I am jealous: *The word "jealous" is often used colloquially when "envious" is the proper word. There's nothing wrong with doing that, especially when fixed on the unique voice of a character, I just wanted you to be aware of it. Either way, I myself prefer the "show, not tell" approach.

*The kind of timing that comes from only telling a story hundreds of times, maybe thousands: *Or from being talented.

*The crowd murmured with appreciation: *I think "stirred" with appreciation would have worked better. I'm having trouble conjuring an appreciative murmur.

*“You all know about my long battle”:* Why are these people telling stories everyone has heard already?

*“So how did it happen?”: *How did what happen? Of course, I know now what you meant by this, but when I first read it, I got hung up on whether I _should_ have known right away what "it" was. This is a tricky situation a writer gets caught in from time to time, especially when you feel you have to leave so much out that I don't know what I should know and what I shouldn't.

*You wouldn’t think that in a place where you want for nothing that this would be so important, but it is:* Where are we? Again, same problem as above. You never described where this place was, so I assumed a classroom, but then you said I want nothing from it so I'm left scratching my head. And even looking back, do I want nothing from the afterlife?

Your character is obviously very insecure about her death. But most people don't die heroically... wouldn't she have stories to tell about the life she lived? If she did not, _that_ should have been her regret--- not having died peacefully.

You write well, even if your narrative style and grammar (especially in the punctuation department) could use a little help. I think your main problem here was certainly not lack of talent, but of time. It was a little rushed. The forced answer to the prompt was my final proof of that.

My key advise for this story: Forget the M. Night twist. Lay it out at the onset where this place is, and who these people are. A _Defending Your Life _kind of thing.


Psychology Test
EmmaSohan

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16/20*

*But they're nice to look at: *This doesn't fit to me in a paragraph of spitfire sentences. "But they're hot" would have worked a lot better. Did you word it as you did because that's his daughter? Then try "One of them was hot," or strike the idea altogether.

*Hey! That was funny!: *It sounds like he was really expecting them to laugh at that. He wasn't... was he?

*"Interesting choice. Jennifer, don't you think that's an interesting choice?": *I've seen this style of dialogue in short stories of the New Yorker. I liked it, it sounded giddy, but it bothered me... I mean, who talks like that today? The short stories I'm talking about were from the twenties and thirties, so I can't argue them. I just don't hear people talk like that today. I could be wrong, just something I want you to be sure of before you go ahead with it in the future.

*But I'm not telling her that: *Why?

Okay, that was actually pretty good. I'm not one for the playwright style, and I would have preferred you described what this guy looked like, although the fact that he's watching a movie in the middle of the day with no one around sort of paints a picture for me. So well done there. And the conclusion was creative.


I am a Stranger
astroannie

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 14/20*

*...her hair a white halo surrounding her face, mapped with laugh lines: *Her hair was mapped with laugh lines?

*Billy was my younger brother who had died of skin cancer: *If woven in more subtly (which I think it sort of was without this line) this would have been a lot more effective.

*I didn't expect it to happen in the middle of a conversation:* It's hard to explain why, but I would have left this out of thought: don't italicize it. It would have gone smoother that way. This is from her POV anyway, so thought would be needed only for a specific purpose. I don't believe it fit here.

It wasn't clear to me until the end that this was in a hospital, and not at her mother's house. 

It is a well-executed piece and your prose comes out looking good. It might not have been the story for this contest, only because it could have benefitted greatly from more character development, a little more history and some story.

The jewel of this piece is the way it answers the prompt. It is a deep and creative application.


A Pair of Docks
Patrick Bishop

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15/20*

Impressive establishing paragraph. Effective, efficient and visual. I can see who this is and have a good picture of where we are... even if words like "upon" are nine times out of ten removable.

*“What happens if I go into the incorrect dock?”:* Not that I have all the facts of the circumstances yet, but this seemed like a weird question to ask first. It's the writer who needs to push the story along, not the characters.

*VMCS Digger V: *That has a nice ring to it, I must say.

*One was good, the other was bad: *This was good, at least the intention was. In the chaos, a moment of silence to survey the problem and place the haunting picture (complete with the implications) in the vision of the reader. I just didn't like the wording: like you're reminding me what the problem is, which is not the intention, at least it shouldn't be. I would have went for "The good one. The bad one." Not knowing which is which the reader already knows, and will in my opinion make the line more effective. Just a little nitpick.

*“Computer, is there any feasible way of telling the real from the reflection?”: *This can't be a serious question, more desperate. I would have described some exasperation in her voice, impatience in her mind.

*“Negative.”:* Did the computer just serve a tour in Iraq?

*...the real or false:* The true or false? The real or fake? The original or interloper?

*Hours passed before she gave up on waiting, made a choice, and fired...: *How about "Hours passed before she gave up , made a choice, and fired..." or better still, "Hours passed before she made a choice and fired..." or the best: "Hours passed before she made a choice."

Well... I guess that's one way of doing it.

Truthfully, given the nature of the story, I don't think you surprised anybody with the surprise ending; but again, that comes with chucking a bunch of space-time conundrums at us from the start. Not that I had a problem with it. I thought this was creative, and you got a lot done given the limits. This was inferior to your last entry, but there is plenty of recoverable material in it, and your talents continue to shine through any shortcomings.


Abroad
Ibb

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 10/20*

*Jesus Christ. Who are you?: *An influential Nazorean and Roman of the classical era, philosopher, and many believe, the son of God.

*Hey, I said, but he did not answer, and walked into the center of the floor: *Main character's words and actions should be separated from that of to whom he/she is talking to avoid confusion and keep things organized. To walk "to" the center of the floor or "onto" would have made more sense. And what is it you have against quotations?

*He looked about like a man who has been travelling, when suddenly...:* "When suddenly" doesn't seem to be relevant to this description of the man, so it should have been a new sentence. The sentence was also strange and difficult to understand, but not as difficult as the rest of the paragraph. It seems like the ideas you are trying to get across are a little too omniscient to come from the POV of a character surprised by what is happening. Perhaps first-person was not right for this story.

*...I could feel my voice turn thin in my lungs: *You mean your throat?

Again, the lack of quotations is incredibly jarring.

*...unable to locate the exactitude of it in my memory: *How about "unable to locate it in my memory"? This way, we get the same idea across with fewer words.

On that note, this story could have contained half the words it did and had said as much, if not more. You struggle to throw in as many big words as you can, avoiding contractions even in dialogue, and make even that as flowery as possible to prove that you are a good writer. One lesson I cherish was that you only have to remind your reader that you are a good writer every ten pages. You tried to do it every ten words.

I can see that you know how to put sentences together and your vocabulary I'm sure is the envy of many an uneducated writer. But vocabulary is like an arsenal: You can't throw everything you have at the smallest of enemies.


Stranger at the Door
garza

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect:6
*Total: 15/20*

You do a fantastic job showing us your story. Your writing is smooth and direct. From the start I know that the main character is slow in wit, and that he is being used for illicit acts. All this I see without your shoving it in my face or even telling me: the mark of a great writer.

*A street light half a block away on Freetown Road kept the room from total darkness: *This was a really great sentence.

*He ran faster now: *He ran faster.

*He had to get past the old clock like the good guys in the jeep: *We'll make the connection. It dampens the effect when you do it for us.

*Something hit his back: *I realize that this kid's understanding is not on par with the average person, but I think, even in his innocence, there was a better way to describe getting shot.

Now, I guess it's because I'm a writer but I didn't think there was any way this kid was getting out of this story alive. It was too set up for tragedy, even if the circular ending made for powerful effect (less your emphasis of it). So I suppose the bitterness of it was not what it could have been, but that's just me.

A few punctuation typos held you back.

The story was solid and your writing is great. I look forward to reading more of you with fewer limits.


Underneath It All
Kyle Richardson

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15/20*

Interesting: it's rare to find a second-person narrative piece. I find it works very well with erotica.

*You're on your knees:* And it seems you agree.

*The silhouette beckons, black against the orange sky... Her wide eyes take you in:* These are examples of an excellent tactic you should impress upon those you mentor: an efficient manner of description by slipping them into verb sentences. It seems like a simple thing, but not enough can pull it off like you.

*...while the stars are still flickering on: *Eh.

*"I know he's in there," he booms:* His voice booms. How about his voice making the floorboards vibrate?

*Cobwebs brush against your neck like feathers and cotton wisps, and you watch, and you listen, and you wait: *Fantastic sentence.

*You feel it through the wood: *How about "Dirt falls through the cracks of the floorboard onto your face." I mean, how does this narrator know what the guy is feeling?

*He'll head to the next ranch with his jaw clenched:* But footprints won't lead to the next ranch.

Why cut out the good part?

*The cottage shrinks into the distance, taking the girl with it:* Eh. What's taking her, the cottage? I'm not with this one.

*You are, underneath it all, a good man:* Fickle narrator, isn't she?

It was good writing, and a well-applied narrative... I just wish he let the bitch die.


View out the Window
escorial

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 8/20*

First sentence: grammatically, this should have been two sentences. Artistically, it should have been more than that. You are a dark, suspenseful writer, at least that is what I gather. Shorter sentences serve your kind better.

Second sentence: same problem, only a lot worse. Longer sentences do not a better writer make.

This piece had five sentences. All of them were too long. And why the lack of detail? Stephen King goes overboard, sure, and you're pressed for space here, but you had plenty of space left to make me realize I'm reading about a human being here.

Your stories come from your heart--- and your heart deserves to be heard, really heard. Exercise with shorter sentences; separate your emotions from the detail; lay everything out before you put it all together, and a writer like you will get a much higher score easily.


Stranger at the Door
Pishwi

Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Total: 11/20*

*“ill believe it when i see it” came Vyper’s delayed message:* I'm not sure I would put typed dialogue in quote, but my big gripe with this is the dialogue tag. If it is a delayed response, I would put that before the dialogue. For example: Vyper's response came delayed, "i'll believe it when i see it."

*"he dont need the cash": *You seem to go a little further out of your way to make this sound like an IM chat than you need to.

*"Gaming Throne": *Don't quote, don't capitalize.

*I hesitated and gathered my breath back, but the knocks commenced again, and I threw open the door:* Find the word in this sentence that sticks out awkwardly.

*...covering my forehead from the worst of the sunlight:* Covering my forehead from the sunlight.

*And he was as skinny as those men in the movies, almost: *Well, I just got done watching _Fatso_, so... which movies were you talking about?

*There was a pause as he searched for words: *How does the narrator know why the man paused?

*and I fought hard to look impatient: *You were _trying_ to look impatient?

*...folded his arms in a confident manner: *How many manners are there in which to fold one's arms?




Spectors
Guy Faukes

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 11/20*

*Nodding in acceptance: *That's usually why one nods. How about "They nodded, rolling their eyes." Of course, I see the idea you're getting across, I'm just a little vexed by the choice of words.

*"Hey."*
*"Hey.": *Perfect. Here, you show poise, whereas most would be chomping the bid to tell me who said it and how--- this provides an atmosphere most writers lack the sense to cultivate.

*"I've would've called...":* Since this is in dialogue, I can only assume you intended for your character to misspeak.

*"I casted a tracking spell...":* Again, the magic circle of quotation marks keeps you safe. Though to be fair, this one is much more understandable. Just make sure it's the character's mistake, not yours.

*"I thought I'd let you know for I go":* Aha! You're dialogue shield can't protect you now! An apostrophe belongs 'for "for".

*"Okay. Be careful, Tyler." said Aisha: *Who else would have said this?

*She stopped amidst a dozen or so magical creations: *Such as...?

*Continued Jerome:* Simply keep this paragraph conjoined to the one before it and you won't even need to say this.

*"In your little occult": *Cult.

So, I'm not really sure what happened. I can easily see how this can be the first part of a (much) longer work, but isn't really self-contained, doesn't seem to have a point, and that cost you. Creative premise though, and I like how you introduced it.


A Very Special Bear
thepancreas11

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

*White-knuckled grip: *While not terribly applied here, the cliche could have been avoided, especially in the opening sentences of your story.

*She could see people moving back and forth in the blurry window...: *She could see through the blurry window people moving back and forth...

*She heard their soft voices go back and forth: *Strike "go."

*“Mrs. Garrity knows what’s best. She keeps me safe,” she said, but even so, when the man reached for the door, Olivia couldn’t help but bury her head in her blanket. “No,” she said, quietly at first. “No, no, no!”: *Strike underlined.

*"David, Frances, this is Olivia": *I would throw a colon after "Frances".

*stepping forward minutely:* And I would find another word.

*...slowly but surely: *Not only is this as cliche as a sore thumb, but it doesn't make sense.

*“A bad man hurt her, just like you. A bad man did very bad things”:* Jeez lady, thanks for taking the time during what's supposed to be a welcoming moment to bring that up.

*She grabbed the armrest white-knuckled:* Really?

Picked up a little half- way through, but it didn't need so many named characters, could have been clearer. Stories intended to draw upon the innocence of a child and the poignancy of child abuse should be simple and direct. You are attacking the emotions: strike accurately and swiftly.


Changing of the Guard
Euripides

Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 10/20*

*Tonight the evening is a wind-driven cacophony: *This sounds like an advertisement for the paragraph we are about to read. I don't like advertisements.

*The wind chimes outside my bedroom window fly about making a metallic staccato noise: *Kind of you, but we all know what wind chimes sound like.

*...the eyes still unburdened by time: *Strike "still".


Not So Conquered Species
Gofa

Grammar: 2
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 8/20*

*... continues to stare fixedly at the ceiling: *...continues to stare at the ceiling.

*The comment although to no one in particular carries the expectancy of reply: *Sentences like these are why you need to pay more attention to your commas.

*He continues as silence greets his earlier comment: *Nah.

*Slowly a faint hum inserts itself within the room: *Nope.

*...running the spectrums as each seeks purchase upon the other before speech is invoked: *Uh-uh.

You seemed to write this as though throwing in a few big words and stretching your sentences here and there will absolve you from having to proofread or worry about your punctuation. But failing to proofread your work is an insult to those who take the time to read and review your work. Don't insult your readers in the future.


Black Balloon
J Anfinson

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Total: 11/20*

*It was nearly 3 a.m. when Roger woke to knocking. Beside him his wife Carrie Ann lay on her back. He couldn’t tell if she was awake or not so he tried whisper[ed] to her. She didn't reply: *Strike underlined. (We'll know what "Carrie Ann" means when you drop that line on us later).

*Roger clenched his teeth, irritated, and got up to put a robe on as the knocking continued: *You already showed the emotion, why then tell it?

*Roger had to be at work in three hours:* You don't need justification as to why a man should be annoyed that someone is knocking on his door at three in the morning.

*The power must have gone out, he reasoned: *Redundant. I would strike "he reasoned." The story is obviously set from his head, so it is to be assumed that any opinion or assessment will also come from his head.

*The clock on his dresser had a battery backup, so at least his alarm would still go off at five: *I'm sure you cut a lot of good and important sentences to post this entry--- go back to your notes and replace this one with one of them.

*He looked through the peep hole of the door but couldn’t see anything except more darkness: *So he couldn't see anything. OR, he could see only darkness.

*...he wore dark glasses as if he were blind and confused: *?

*The guy must be off his rocker:* Watch your tenses.

*Roger exploded in anger. “What in the hell would I want a balloon for? The only thing I want is to go back to bed, so get off my porch and leave before I call the police. My wife doesn’t know you, and neither do I. You’re either at the wrong house or bat-shit crazy. I don’t care which, but get out of here now.”: *Usually an explosion is faster: a blast. This was drawn out.

*...a choked cry issued from the back of his throat*

*Roger heard footsteps cross the porch and go down the steps, then the night was silent: *could Roger not see the man anymore?

*This was no power failure: *Way to go, Macgyver. Hey if you're so smart, why did you fall for quite literally the oldest trick in the book?

*He crashed into something in the hall and whatever it was fell over, shattering glass on the hardwood floor:* Strike underlined--- it will make the sentence a lot better, aligning the narration with Roger's thinking. Would you, in Roger's shoes, say to yourself "whatever it was"?

*The bedroom door was still open when he got there and he screamed her name again as he stumbled through: *Shorter sentences, like lightning strikes, are better for suspenseful and frightening scenes.

*It was too dark to see:* Yeah.

Well, at least you gave me a happy ending.

Don't Go Out
Michael Pileggi

Grammar: 2
Voice: 2
Effect:3
*Total: 7/20*

*A scream of pain and rage ripped the silence left over from the most recent explosions into shreds: *That's a lot of history for one sentence.

*These sounds were not new to Dax and Vale. They had begun yesterday evening and continued every few hours: *You set things up well enough that we can deduce on our own that these people are used to this.

*Dax shook his head, short sandy hair shedding dirt in a slow dance of shadows and dusty reflections cast in the late evening candlelight: *You're describing too many things in this sentence: Dax's hair, the dust falling from his head, the way the dust is falling, and the environment. Stick with Dax's hair.

*Porch boards creaked ominously: *What makes it ominous?

*“Who's there?”Dax called out curiously: *Of course he's curious, he's asking a question.

*Juarnax didn't reply and Dax continued: *Then why stop the dialogue?

*Juarnax gave a noncommittal grunt: *Juarnax grunted.

*His feet bore boots*

Proofread.


Times are Hard
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Total: 14/20*

*You peoples’ ‘miracle cure for aging’ is putting me under a lot of financial stress:* You want stress? Try reading expository dialogue.

Stan sighs a lot.

The exchange with death was kind of funny; decent dialogue, but the prose was awkward; a few cliches and unneeded explanations. Easy problems to fix, mostly a matter of truncation. From a technical standpoint, a more or less solid work, just practice your storytelling.


A Winnowing
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12/20*

*“C’mon in.” The old man stepped back, gesturing listlessly with the hand that wasn’t gripping the door knob: *He stepped back while still holding the knob? Why don't you just cut the second half--- the visuals are superfluous.

*He was more interested in getting home, with a side order of how he got here: *Fail

*Without windows it was impossible to tell if it was day or night outside and Caliburton couldn’t remember, even though he’d been standing outside the cabin just moments before: *It sounds like there should be a lot more going on in Cal's head right now: I'd be panicking at least a little if I couldn't remember where I was a few seconds ago, not asking for side orders.

*As quick as an evil thought: *?

Good writing: straight forward and to the point for the most part, not too many wasted words. Good job with dialogue as well. Wasn't really with the story though.


Neighborhood Reclamation
godofwine

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Total: 10/20*

Less the cliche, that was actually a decent opening paragraph.

*the M45C pistol: *Your reader is not going to be impressed by your archival knowledge of guns, they will only be annoyed by more information than the story demands.

*Jared gripped the...pistol that he slept with moments after he’d heard the sound of the stranger breaking through the door downstairs: *Why tell the story out of order? If he heard the sound first, tell it first, _then_ grab the gun.

Reading this felt like reading a video game, or pages on the cutting room floor of an 80's action movie. There wasn't anything to leave an impact, just explosions, hallow dialogue and gun names. If you want more than an average score, you need more than that.


Knife Cuts
Ari

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14/20*

A few minor minor nitpicks: "cut here last four words" well, we can count. "Suri" strikes me as an Indian name, which of course could be inaccurate, this is obviously a fantasy; just irked me be told an Indian name and be shown "auburn hair". But that's nowhere near something for which I would deduct points.

It's a literary piece: writing on the walls, parallel narration, symbolism of the locksmith. You show you are a thinker and I respect that. I would still have liked to see the girl in some more peril, more character development. Show me things happening. If your only goal is visuals and atmosphere, that's fine--- practice it.


Obregon
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12/20*

*With a loosening of his bladder muscles he realized the shape at his door was that of a person, cloaked in black: *I tend to notice things a lot better also when I loosen my bladder muscles.

*she stopped short, just as a beep came from the intercom, summoning the nurse away, leaving Silas standing there: *Goodness lady, you can't just finish your sentence as you're turning away?

So what's the story? It seemed like a lot of buildup to kill off a character we hardly know.


At Our Table
ravensty

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 6
*Total: 13/20*

There is a lot you seem to want to say in this story. When the word count (not to mention the attention span of your reader) is limited, you need to make a choice as to what details you want to show. I would keep the focus on the people, which is almost always where the focus should lie. The first few paragraphs contain masses of information that is mostly unneeded to capture the atmosphere of the scene and the tension between these people. The constant inserts shoved between commas  makes the prose read more like a legal document than literature.

*Answer: *This paragraph is something that belongs in the analysis of a story, not the story itself. Storytelling is like politics: if you're explaining, you're losing.

Great potential lies in the underlying idea of this story--- love through objects--- that could ascend to genius. But it gets lost in your desperate strive to show everyone how good a writer you are. You need to relax. Write what you feel, write how you speak. Tell me the story like a human being. Cut the wasted details and useless explanations. Concentrate on where the focus needs to be.

Hello, My Name is Allen Wallbrook
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 11/20*

*Fat sweat: *What?

*He must’ve paced it a thousand times in the space of just a few minutes: *Strike underlined.

*Twenty-four words: *That tactic starts to lose its weight when more than ten words. I would prefer "One sentence."

*It seemed like it should be so easy: *It should have been so easy. No "seemed".

*a zoo-full of elephants: *How many is that? Two?

*his skin nearing a boil: *Now he's just starting to sound like a Nancy.

*He could hardly move from the weight and the mass of the air; it pressed on every bit of his arms and his legs and his chest and his face but that was definitely no excuse for not going up and knocking on the door and this was absolutely no way to continue on going through life as if he could simply avoid new experiences and realities just because he thought they might be difficult and the air wasn’t even that bad anyway and the only way he was actually going to experience new things was to go ahead and do those things, so that’s exactly what he intended to do starting with asking Tiffany Adams if she could spare some time to come see a movie with him on Friday night: *I'm going to assume that your answer for this sentence (this is all one sentence, in case you forgot) was to capture the motion of Allen's mind, it still did not come close to working. It came out of nowhere, and it is mixed with exposition.

What the hell happened? Did he come to an epiphany? What was it? What made him change?


Charlie
midnightpoet

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 11/20*

Good opening paragraph: quick sentences that capture the mind of one who wakes in a panic (a dog, no less). The only thing I would change is instead of "A stranger at the door?" just say "A stranger?" No need to remind us that you followed the prompt.

What is it you have against articles? Sometimes the narrative uses them, sometimes not. Why?

Is "Cat" the cat's name? Make sure it's always capitalized then instead of sometimes, to avoid confusion, or just come up with a name.

This would be a lot more threatening if it were a more poisonous snake... rattle snakes aren't usually lethal. You even made the mistake of starting out by saying a dog survived the last one, then tried to bring the threat back by saying "it had given him a slight limp." Oh nooo!!!!! 

Hm... I'm still trying to figure out why dogs have trouble using articles...


Circadian
Stranger at the Door

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15/20*

When an old man barges into someone's room and tells them to destroy something they're building, most readers are going to know where the story is going, so the revelation falls flat.

However, this was an incredibly easy piece to read and review because of the immaculate prose. Your writing is smooth and sensible: instead of flinging detail at me randomly, you patiently apply it at the exact appropriate times: showing a limp when he walks, showing missing fingers when he grabs his arm, it's all so very well done. 

I'm sorry I don't have much else to say. I'm guessing you're more a novel writer: I'm sure you (would) find very few problems in that realm.

I would be very interested to see more of your work that isn't pressed to a deadline or word count limit.


Stranger at the Door
ShadowEyes

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13/20*

The opening was fantastic. Specifically, the first two or three sentences introducing each character. They were to the point and in just a few words captured the people about whom they were written, including the attitude.

The story seems to prattle halfway through, and seemed to belong to a larger work. As it got toward the end, I felt less and less involved in the story, found more wasted words and gaps in narrative coherence.

Nonetheless, I am curious about you. What genre do you normally prefer, I wonder, novels?
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Bruno Spatola’s scores]

There was some wonderful writing this month. I'm so glad I chose to judge, and what a crop of stories we had! It was a true pleasure.



*Stranger at the Door *
*by Hitotsmami* 

Spelling & Grammar: 5 
Tone & Voice: 4 
Effect: 6.5 
Overall: *15.5 *

Nice, clean writing. Nothing flowery or unnecessary; you focus on storytelling and keep it simple, so it reads effortlessly.

I thought you built up the tension well. It starts off slowly, but you morph Jon's behaviour from a guy in need of aid, to what ended up sounding like the gibbering of an insane asylum escapee -- and he was telling the truth all along! The way you wrote the dialogue made me uneasy about his motives; I constantly felt something horrifying was going to happen, and that Diane's reactions were justified. The tone's there, no doubt.

The thing that troubles me is nothing really happens to seal the deal. Diane's decision to refuse the man help doesn't have any serious repurcussions. It would've been interesting if she read a newspaper in the morning with a story about a man who was robbed and killed, which turned out to be Jon. Then Aliena would reveal she knew him in university, and boom: everlasting guilt. That would be more satisfying, I think, because the current ending has no conflict, even though the mood suggested it. That let it down. 

Little thing: I feel it's too conveniant that Diane's best friend's middle name is also Diane, and how the MC didn't even consider the thought someone might confuse their names (as she said, everyone calls her friend by Diane). It makes the plot less believable when there are holes of that sort, to me. I still enjoyed it, though.

Thanks!


*I Have No Story *
*by Plasticweld*

Spelling & Grammar: 3.5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *14* 

What appeals to me most of all is the little nexus between death and the ever after you created, where the recently deceased talk about how they died like it's a campfire story, ha. That's a really interesting idea.

Another thing I enjoyed, although clumsy, is how long it took me to realize the characters were dead. When it dawned on me, I laughed, because it makes so much more sense on a second read. Perhaps you were sneaky with your omissions – all the references to 'here' without describing where or what 'here' actually was – and work should be done to improve that, but the subtle revelation crept up on me. I prefer a nice trickle of WTF to a full-on blast, so thanks.

Cons:

The imagery is limited. While that's great for telling a story in the 'A to B' sense, I pictured nothing more than talking heads. You could dial back the MC's internal ramblings and put more work into building the walls of the world. Nothing fancy, just some character, like the cancer victim, for instance: You could describe her voice as being scratchy, or the fire dude as having second degree burns all over. _Colour._

Elsewhere, it's not the cleanest piece of writing. It didn't get in the way of my enjoyment, no, but punctuational issues are frequent enough, plus some inconsistent wording.

Thanks for the read. 


*Psychology Test *
*by EmmaSohan*

Spelling & Grammar: 5 
Tone & Voice: 5 
Effect: 6
Overall: *16*

Hmm, interesting. This takes a rather sweet turn at the end that surprised me, but not in a cheap way; in a way that makes the deceptively dull moments that preceded it take on an entirely different meaning. It's not a door-to-door psychology test, it's an improvised paternity test! What a neat little idea.

The girls seem real. Their dialogue is simple, but never questionable – I believed every word. In fact, it could be a direct account of something that happened to you personally. That makes the pacing super quick and snappy, helped along by perfect SPaG. I finished it in less than five minutes, that's how smooth it is.

If I had to point out negatives, one would be the lack of emotion in the girl's reaction. Having gone to the trouble of setting up this elaborate act, I expected her to be a bit more forthcoming about how she felt. She's almost flippant in the end, which I didn't like. I sensed the disappointment, sure, I just wanted more.

Another thing is the minimal conflict involved. It starts and it finishes, and that's that. There's no middle to speak of; the moment where things first begin to change, and the pace shifts tempo. It's like a straight line, but I wanted a bend or two in there. Still, you stuck to your vision all the way, and I don't feel like criticizing the piece for _not_ being something else. It is what it is: a good story, with well-crafted dialogue, a believable scenario, and light-hearted spirit. 

I enjoyed it a bunch. Thanks for the read.


*I Am a Stranger *
*by Astroannie*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall: *17.5*

Very nice use of the prompt, here; exactly the kind of twist on a theme that I enjoy. Literal, but with different lighting. Trust a poet to see it from another angle than everyone else. 

The style you went for is used to great effect. Simple descriptions, realistic and emotional inner thoughts, plus touching dialogue all went in its favour. I experienced Lauren's frustrating sense of loss right alongside her, so that reader/character bond was effortlessly attained.

I've read and seen similar stories, dealing with the horrors of dementia, or Alzheimer's symptoms. Most of them were quite a bit longer, and followed the last months of the sufferers' lives before almost total memory loss. In 650 words, you managed to sum up that kind of timescale well, and gave them a run for their money, which isn't easy to do. Your repetition of, "It's not her fault," did a number on me; effective usage again. 

If I could criticize anything, it would be the slightly stilted dialogue in places, and I noticed a lone letter 'm' where 'my' should have been, but perfect spelling and grammar, otherwise. Exceptionally executed from a technical view.

Favourite line: "I walked back to her room, opened the door as quietly as I could and saw her in bed, looking so peaceful. So vulnerable. So old." 

Touching. Thanks.


*A Pair of Docks *
*by Patrick Bishop*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall: *17*

I had no trouble imagining this. The writing's simple, the descriptions succinct, and the MC likeable in a minimalist sort of way. Her dialogue sounded the right mix of professional miner and just-woke-up-what-the-hell-is-going-on-here space lady. I appreciate simplicity in speech, where mood is prioritized, and the reader's imagination given room to breathe and digest the info. It might have been a bit clinical, but you did it well, and the resulting images were strong. 

I can tell that you enjoy coming up with futuristic names of companies, planets, and general lingo. Without context, that stuff can arguably come across as flimsy in such a short format. You stuck to your guns, though, so it didn't feel weak once I'd gotten into the style. I've seen so much sci-fi that it – fairly or unfairly -- grates me when things sound like they could be in Star Trek without feeling out of character. I hope it makes sense why that might reduce the hold some work has over me, but I can't help it. A unique vision is always better than an expected one. 

The only other thing I'd point out is that I predicted the ending about 300 words before it came, unfortunately, so the piece's overall effect wasn't as strong as when it began. I think there could have been something more surprising in there for me, but cliché aside, it was well realized, competently written, and not bad at all.

Thanks.


*Abroad *
*by Ibb*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: *15*

What immediately grabbed me is the lack of quotation marks in dialogue. You don't see it often, but it gives an interesting vibe to fiction that I enjoy. Brave of you to do it, in a way. Kudos.

Another thing I liked is the incomplete vision of the stranger, and his almost supernatural vibe despite never speaking, or emphasizing his intent in any way. I felt loopy after a while. 

The main drawback, for me, is the overall wording. I feel the pace doesn't quite reach a consistent level, because it tends to become engrossed in specifics -- things the reader can fill in, e.g. "He turned in a circle, rotating a complete three sixty degrees..." 

That's effectively the same line twice. Another example is the tattoo description, which could be one line long without sacrificing imagery, but is stretched out into minute detail. A looser style would open it up and get things flowing. 

Some sections were laden with uncommon word usage, like when the main character couldn't remember to phone the police. I had to read it several times, as there were similar phrasings throughout, as if a thesaurus was being conferred with. Story should come before wordiness, and in flash-fiction above all. 

I won't hammer the point further, but I got lost. I didn't understand what happened, who was who, what was what, or where was where. Even if that's intentional, it can be done in a more accessible and satisfying way. 

The psychedelia was profound, though, and the sense of unbearable heat. That's my cup of tea! Thanks for the trippy read; I need to sit down...


*Stranger at the Door *
*by Garza*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: *18*

This was right up my street. I found the young lad so darn likable; innocent, but with an adventurous and honest spirit, despite his rough life. His dialogue matched my internal image with eerie symmetry, and that goes for Jerome, too, who you barely described, but who I pictured as a sleazebag from the first words he spoke. Simple but effective prose.

Parallelling the ultimate scene with The Dogs of War worked well; that's definitely my favourite part. A fitting, yet – if my interpretation is correct – tragic end. (He was shot for suspected possession of drugs, right? Wrong? Close? Timbuktu?) 

I once said you wrote in an overly formal way, but, intentional or not, I believe you have imbued a lot more personality into your recent work, whilst maintaining the accuracy people expect from you. For me, it's a pleasant balance, and I enjoyed the story very much.

The only thing I'd criticize is the third and second-to-last sections. They have an odd rhythm with all the full stops and semi-complete sentences, like stuttering. If stylistic, or a sign of buckling under the word cap, I don't know. 

I found one error in the form of a missing quotation mark. Outside of that: top drawer.

Thanks for the read, sir. Now, try and convince us what you do isn't art again; I dare you.


*Underneath It All *
*by Kyle R*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: *19*

Excellent work. The most difficult thing about having a word limit is writing a story that doesn't sound like one was placed upon it, and you clearly achieved that in my view, without sacrificing artistry for cohesion, or vice-versa. It stands tall on its own merits, and feels complete.

The MC is more cowardly than villainous, but my dislike for him started off strong. Once the capricious love between him and the girl is struck, that changed, and you cleverly brought in a third character for the reader to dump all that hate onto – that scumbag 'hunter' – ultimately bringing the main guy into a brighter light, and turning the piece on its head in a satisfying way. The interesting narration style helped that along, also, whilst quickening the pace. Same goes for the namelessness of the characters; everyone's a grey mystery! 

The only negative I can highlight is that some parts tend towards the flowery end of the spectrum. You don't go too far, though – its purplish hue actually makes sense.

*Favourite line:* "The horse puts one hoof in front of the other, carrying you down that winding trail, away."

Short critique, I know, but what can I say? I loved it.

Thanks. 


*Stranger at the Door*
*by Pishwi*

Spelling & Grammar: 4
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: *16*

Interesting. Very, in fact – at least, to me it is. You can write fiction well, clearly. There's some niggles, but I'll mention what I liked first:

The style. I initially cringed when I saw the unpunctuated dialogue. That can put readers off, but it makes total sense in practice, truly placing me in the shoes of a person I have zero relation with, which felt fresh.

I also liked your little hints about the outside world, suggesting an age where digital avatars take presedence over flesh and bone; where credits transcend physical money; where parent-given names are old-fashioned; and where anything terrestrial is unfamiliar. That's not wacky, blue-sky writing – that stuff is on the verge of being true for more and more people -- but, if you intended it to be interpreted as such, that's cool. If not, I'm just weird.

Still, your descriptions are simple, strong, and easy to picture. One part almost sounded info-dumpy (three descriptions in a sentence), which isn't wrong, but can always be improved.

Cons: 

The ending's not quite perfect; the idea is solid, but maybe not the execution. I enjoy what happens, it just comes across in a corny radio drama kind of way. When Francis said, "I'm your brother," I heard the DUN DUN DUN sound in my head. A little finesse would be appreciated in place of the deus ex machina.

Although mostly neat, I found some issues: punctuation outside of quotation marks in dialogue, missing punctuation on dialogue tags, and one instance of a full stop/period outside of parentheses when it was a separate sentence, and should have been contained within.

Enough yapping. Good work, and thanks for the read!


*Specters*
*by Guy Faukes*

Spelling & Grammar: 3.5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 5.5
Overall: *13*

I'll be honest, Guy: I wrestled with this story. I didn't get to know any of the characters, because there are too many squashed in there; I didn't understand what happened, because I'm not given enough info; and the magical business is lost on me outside of guesswork. There's not enough of any one element to get the most out of the story, and I fear the word limit crushed its spirit.

At times, I felt abstract terms were being slung at me -- astral signature, background Ether, magical creations, etc. Without context, that stuff's wasted on a reader. I couldn't imagine any of it with a tangible mass. More world-building is required to bring these characters and their plight to life, in my opinion. The easiest way of achieving that (in a short format), is to cut some chaff; limit the number of characters; focus on one or two main plot points; dial back the magical hoo-ha; and bring 'em together. 

I have no doubt those ingredients have the potential to create an awesome flash piece, but its original vision isn't cut out for a word limitation. It needs freedom. 

Technically, there's some issues: Full stops instead of commas on dialogue tags, overused ellipses, one tense issue, some wording mistakes ("I've would've called..."). Not perfect.

I'm disappointed in my scoring -- well, I feel like an ass, actually – but I had to be objective about certain aspects. I hope the other judges have a different viewpoint.

Thanks for the read. 


*A Very Special Bear*
*by Thepancreas11*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: *17*

Excellent characterization. No-one feels incomplete or lacking in any way; they each have their distinct traits which transcended relative dialogue tags, and took up a secure place in my mind. Nicely done! 

Story-wise, nothing special. I've experienced similar work, but you put a dark twist on it that kept me reading on, like Frances' semi-ambiguous wording, and the emotionally switched-off Olivia, stripped down to her instincts. I could tell that it came from somewhere deep and dark, but with just a needlepoint of light to save it from windowless oblivion.

My only criticism can be put down to unsureness of the line, "Mommy." Now, I expect it's simply that Olivia found guardianship, at least within herself, in the form of Frances, and that the bear symbolically represents comfort and security, doubling that feeling up. It had a hint of ambiguity about it, however. On second thought: I think I've read too many horror stories. Anyway... 

Not sure what else I can say, so I won't force it. Thanks for the read, sir.


*Changing of the Guard*
*by Euripides*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *16.5*

Nice and clean. I'm a sucker for polished writing; it really does show much you care about what you're saying. Couple punctuation issues aside, it's top drawer. One other thing I really like is the sense of darkness between the lines, as if the world's going to end.

I thought Mr. Hinkley was a well-realized entity. You describe him very little, but his dialogue and mannerisms say a lot; same goes for Tyrell, but with a more serpentine oiliness, like his suits never quite fit him . . . yuck. Good stuff. 

Small point: although I found the characters tangible, I never quite got a grasp on who they were in the world. An expanded version will amend that, I'm sure. Get right on it, sir; I'd love to see model 2.0. 

The ending kind of lets it down, though, reducing the impact. How did Tyrell know about Harry's duties? Did he torture him or something? He seemed to know more than was believable, to me. It would be a cool ending if more context is given to the situation, because I don't enjoy having to fill in too much.

Still, as I said, you write well, and that goes a long way with me. The first chunk was a bit over the top – you could have spent all that description of the wind bolstering up the actual plot, I think – but it's a cool piece!

Thanks for the read.


*Not-so-conquered Species*
*by Gofa*

Spelling & Grammar: 2
Tone and Voice: 2
Effect: 5
Overall: *9*

There are some SPaG issues, like missing or misplaced punctuation in quotations and dialogue tags, but general wording trouble got in the way, most of all. 

I had difficulty following what's going on, unfortunately, but I got the gist of it. This guy's arch-enemy is a big rat, and he battled it, basically. That gave me a laugh, ha. With some work, I can see this being a really fun flash piece. 

Thanks for the read.


*Black Balloon *
*by J Anfinson*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone and Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: *15*

I can see the kind of vibe being targeted, here. Many elements intrinsic to what I enjoy about fiction are present, like the strong imagery of the balloon, which I love, and the stranger's intensely peculiar nature. Oddness gets me going, and this has it to spare. Your stranger is definitely my favourite.

There are some distractions I found tough to overlook: 

The narration style didn't work for me. It went through phases of almost quasi-humour, to straight-up storytelling, then shifted tenses mid sentence, then sounded like internal thoughts of the main character, or someone close to him. I felt insecure from line to line, due to the unspecific voice, and needed a sterner backbone to keep on track.

I found the plot a little rough, also. The ending, mostly, plus some niggles, like the back door being conveniently open, which comes across as a cheap way of explaining away what occurred. But, the ending, for me, lets it down. Horror shouldn't be pleasing in one sense, but I feel it should in another: in the form of closure, even if it's not the kind we're hoping for. A dead wife ends the story like an anvil on an egg; there's no room to enjoy the squelch of the yolk, it's just a full stop. I wanted the horror to linger. 

Roger lacked a certain something. I had no connection, and didn't care when he lost everything. Damn this competition's word limit! The stranger's the best character; more of him and his bizarre word games would be great, in a Pennywise sort of way. 

Above all, the thing that stuck with me was the horrifying black balloon. Despite my varying levels of enjoyment, I consider that a success, to plant a lasting image of some kind into a reader's head; one that they'll (I'll) see as they (I) drift off to sleep...

Thanks for the read.


*Don't Go Out*
*by CraniumInsanium*

Spelling & Grammar: 3.5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *14*

I was drawn in by the little world you created. The deafening explosions, and the characters' fearful/hateful references to 'the Herald' are quite effective. I wanted to understand more of what was actually going on in this place; who these 'Graviteers' were; and the Herald's motives. I love a mystery! 

Although purple at times, the writing's decent at evoking an image. I didn't struggle too much to follow it, and it's mostly kept simple. I suspect you were tempted to layer on even more flamboyance, but we're all guilty of that sometimes, ha.

The characters are pretty good, too. Round, solid, believable folk. Nice. 

Cons:

Some descriptions are overly flowery and long, such as the ". . . ripped silence to shreds..." line, or the part where Dax merely shakes his hair, which is written as, ". . . short sandy hair shedding dirt in a slow dance of shadows and dusty reflections cast in the late evening candlelight."

That's too much for flash-fiction, in my view, especially when your story has complicated elements that deserve explaining (more than dust, certainly). 

Speaking of which, I feel a bunch of information came flying at me near the end, when Juarnax tries to save Dax. I had to process a lot in a short timeframe, because the story abruptly finishes in the next line. It isn't enjoyable when that happens, for me; it needs to be bigger to have the cohesive beginning, middle, and end. This is mainly beginning and middle. 

An expanded version would do the plot justice, because you had something cool here, which I enjoyed.

Thanks for the read.


*Times are Hard*
*by Anonymous*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: *16*

I enjoy the nonchalant attitude Stan has towards Death, ha. Reminds me of a Family Guy episode. The idea is far from new, but I laughed multiple times, and didn't frown or grimace once. Steady, unfettered enjoyment, but with decent prose to back it up. Fiction tending towards comedic can go either way, I believe, yet you found a comfortable compromise between styles. That's highlighted most of all in the solid characterization. Nice job.

I'm finding it tough to point out negatives, but one aspect stuck out: the length. I liked it, so whatever, but those 200 or so spare words may have changed my 16 to a 17 or more. Just a little bit extra would increase the area of effect, I wager; some smidges of contextual info, or simply more ridiculous Stan/Death banter.

Still, I liked it. Needed something lighthearted to lift the competition -- I was getting depressed -- and you provided! 

Thanks for the read. 


*A Winnowing*
*by Anonymous* 

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: *17*

First of all, your stranger was super creepy without even doing anything that odd, so you wrote him with enough realism edged with ambiguity to make it interesting from line to line. Alarm bells were going off, big time -- I didn't know if he was a cannibal or a shapeshifting zombie man. I like that you don't explain it fully, too, though a little more detail wouldn't go amiss. 

Descriptions are mostly well-crafted, and consistent in their tone. Some flowery hoo-ha here and there, but I didn't double-take. Easy to read, most definitely. 

Cons:

I'm not ashamed to say I haven't got a clue what the hell happened at the end. Quite a constricted and confusing finisher on the piece, I found, but I am an idiot, and the build-up was still great, so... 

Other than some pedantic inconsistencies: one or two lines seem unnecessary, but not worth docking points for.

That's all. Good work, whoever you are; clean 'n' colourful. Thanks.


*View Out the Window*
*by Escorial*

Spelling and Grammar: 3
Tone and Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: *11*

Although very simple and brief, there's a clear, monotonous sadness in the words, like a series of Lowry paintings glimpsed fleetingly through a flip book.

The grammar isn't great, and it lacks polish, but I sort of appreciate that in a way. Makes it read as if directly ripped from thought processes; raw, real, and unfiltered. 

Thanks for the read.


*Neighborhood Recreation*
*by God of wine*

Spelling & Grammar: 4
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *14.5*

Cool premise. A militant hero single-handedly cleaning up his neighbourhood is always interesting to me. I imagined the MC as Clint Eastwood, ha.

Some of the dialogue's good, too. I liked the finale between Jared and Mac, although it'd preferably be longer, and even more personal. Still, I wanted to follow it 'til the end; you hooked me in that regard.

Cons: 

I tripped over specifics that added very little, like the exact number of bullets Jared's pistol housed, what street he lived on, where he was based, and the tidbit about the M-60, which brought me out of the plot without enriching it. I'd have spent those words expanding what's happening directly, which is more relevant.

I say that because the heart of the piece, to me, is a guy taking out the trash, Gran Torino style. That's what I care about: how Jared's going to get out of his conflict and take a stand, not what model pistol he's armed with. That's materialistic; it means nothing. It's people who kill, and that state of mind is key to the realism of violence. I'd have preferred more focus on that in the narration -- on Jared's thoughts, mannerisms, and dialogue. For example, when the intruder is in his home, there's plenty of detail about arbitrary gear (gun, knife, vest), but hardly any about the situation occurring. I'm simply told the intruder's been 'dispatched', and it's over. That was a prime opportunity to get the pace going.

Factual writing has its place in fiction, but thrives on larger fuel than 650 words. Because of the LM's limit, it sounded like you'd done research and tried to splice it into your writing, and I could see the stitch marks. It's flash-fiction, after all, so first and foremost: tell me the story, and make it snappy. 

I enjoyed lots of it, though. With tweaking, it could be great. Expand it, and bring it home.

Thanks.


*Knife Cuts*
*by Ari*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *15.5*

The desperate, lonely nature of this resonates. This girl, possibly in the last moments of her life, and the weight of impending death or worse upon her, dragged my hopes in the dust along with hers. Gloomy.

I'm fond of the mystery surrounding Suri's oppressive world. It reminded me of Anne Frank's endurance hidden in that attic, or the fictional account of Princess Anastasia escaping through the secret door of the Russian palace. I'm a sucker for tales of fighting 'the man', even when it's in vain.

Cons:

You initially build up so much conflict and sadness, that I couldn't help but smile when Suri gets rescued and everything's hunky dory. I'm not saying happy endings are bad, more that the resolution is preferably gradual in some sense. For me, the story consisted of: (Suri) "There's no hope for me; I'm trapped, hunted, and alone; I'm going to die here; someone's knocking at the door; he's magic; I'm saved; The End."

I think more time is spent describing unimportant details than adding meat to the crucial point in the plot: the circumstances of Suri's situation. I felt shortchanged, is all, but that's easily fixable for a spruced-up rendition, where it will shine.

Some of the similes are over-the-top, such as: "He sighed like autumn leaves swirling to the ground."

Maybe I'm stupid, but when analyzing this line, it doesn't mean or describe much, and contributes even less. There's several lines similar to this -- three consecutively, at one point. It sounds good, but under scrutinization, purple writing often falls apart. To me, in fiction, poetry is a decoration best used sparingly. 

*Favourite line:* "She cut the thought into the wall to make it tangible and true."

What's key, is that I enjoyed it. End of. Thanks for the read!


*Obregón*
*by Anonymous*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone and Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: *15*

This might be the strangest entry. There's a classic folktale vibe about it -- one your psychotic Scandinavian grandma would tell you before bedtime, just to see the terror in your eyes. I can hear her telling me to brush my teeth every day, or the bird-man will set his minions on me...

The prose is decent. Bit flowery, but it gets going eventually, and you kept the pace up. The journey from scene to scene is smooth. Great SPaG helped, too.

Silas is likeable. There's not much detail there, but his fear of what's going on is palpable, particularly in the first half. I wanted him to get through safely. 

Your stranger is cool. His effect's minimal, and the descriptions brief, but there's a distinct sense of decay about him. Flesh him out in the expansion, if you do it. He has the legs to be a memorable villain. 

Cons:

Nothing is explained. Some freaky events are taking place, with no rhyme or reason. They just happen to exist. To me, that makes the ending come across as humorous, opposed to the horrifying moment it ought to be. The key reason is probably the scene with the hooded figure, which is an opportunity to shed some light on the situation. Instead, he merely points out that Silas has sixty days -- for what, I've no idea. To live? 'Til his child becomes a bird thing? He might as well have said nothing, really. Although I enjoyed his miraculous nature, his presence changed little from a story perspective.

I don't want the secrets to be spilled, but hinted at in more satisfying ways. The significance of the birds, for instance; how the child is relevant; who Silas is; who/what the hooded guy is. Throwing the reader a bone would make a big difference, as obfuscation rarely pays off.

On a more pedantic note: there's too many similes in the first two paragraphs. I'm not sure they add anything other than clichés. If it sounds throwaway, you should throw it away, that's my policy. A good one every now and then is lovely -- it's the frequency I'm objecting to.

Anywho, I've rabbited on long enough. I liked lots about this.

Thanks for the read!

*At Our Table*
*by Ravensty*

Spelling & Grammar: 4
Tone & Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6
Overall: *13.5*

I watched a movie called The Ice Storm recently. This reminds me of that in some ways -- deep, hidden coldness; disappointment in life, and in people; fakeness; undivulged sadness. Although difficult for me to appreciate, I picked up on little subtleties like that here and there, which made me smile.

The main scene with the characters talking is good. I finally got a grip on things at that point, as it started to loosen and make more sense to me. 

You have a way with words, no doubt. Perhaps it doesn't make for the most gripping fiction, but there's a clear artistry to what you're doing, and it's refreshing to see less traditional storytelling in a competition.

Cons:

The writing is dense to the point of being exhausting. I feel the same things are being repeated at times, but with varying levels of needless obscurity. For me, the narration style gets in the way of my enjoyment, and the plot. It's like it's constantly trying to impress me; however, all it did is dilute the crucial parts. The only distinct sense of an actual story I get is from the family talking at the table, which I enjoyed a lot. Why? Well, I was being shown it through characters and dialogue, not informed through flowery musical terminology, or behind a screen of words. Simple ideas are best described simply.

I took off half a point for not seeing a link to the prompt of, "Stranger at the Door." If there is, I'd suggest a clearer implementation in future.

Outside of that, spelling's perfect, but sentence structure is jittery and lacks natural flow, which isn't helped by the (intentional?) overuse of colons and dashes. I found it cumbersome to read, overall, though the unique format is nice to look at. It's like poetry, almost.

Thanks for the read.


*Hello, My Name is Allen Wallbrook*
*by Anonymous*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4.5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *16*

Allen is the kind of unsure, bumbling Hugh Grant figure I'd normally love to slap, but he somehow got on my good side, which I can only put down to decent characterization, ha. It wouldn't surprise me if he actually had been standing on that porch for a year and a half, the big sap.

The story -- well, more of a beginning, really -- is simplistic. It's a man planning to knock on a door and ask a daughter's hand in marriage. That small kernel is stretched out into a Dickensian dilemma that barely evolves, but doesn't offend. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, yet I feel you could've covered more ground. Instead of describing the air for a fifth time, perhaps Allen could imagine the variety of ways in which the following minutes could go horribly wrong, like the daughter comically falling to her death out the window as his fist hits the door, or the ground opening up and transporting him to the center of the Earth (just his luck!) Something ridiculous and unlikely to lighten the tone of self-defeatism. 

Although keeping in rhythm with Allen's nervous pacing, the constant repetition of air descriptions, and the heat, and the pressure, grated me before long. I understand the method -- it put across the MC's emotions in a way that encouraged empathy -- but I feel it banged on a bit too long. The desired effect had been achieved early on, and I wished for the story to get going, but it never did. That's obviously intentional; not so enjoyable, however, IMO.

It's not a 'non-story', but nothing of note happened, to be honest. I like that he got his courage and, probably, succeeded in the engagement, and went on to live a happy life. It's nice to imagine your own timeline, which I did, and enjoyed doing.

It's well written indeed, and Allen's undoubtedly loveable. It's just a nice little scene, really; can't complain too much, and I won't.

Thanks for the read!


*Charlie*
*by Midnightpoet*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 4.5
Effect: 6
Overall: *15.5*

The plodding semi-thoughts of Charlie are cute, to me. It comes across a bit like a neanderthal stereotype, sometimes, but it felt a natural, charming way to emote a dog, all in all, and you did it well.

Writing's solid elsewhere, too. No heroics or anything, it's very straightforward, but that's contextually logical; it lets the action do all the talking, such is the nature of animals. I had a strong sense of place in mind throughout, certainly; no blank room syndrome.

Decent snake descriptions. Could have been more exciting, but there's a sense of danger. 

Cons:

I'd have italicized the parts where Charlie's almost thinking aloud, just to differentiate visually from the rest of the piece. I had to backtrack a couple times, to change my reading style manually. 

Other than that, the use of the prompt is fairly loose, but no biggie. 

Yeah, I liked it. Just a nice little story. Dogs are effortlessly loveable, but you had an authentic tone with Charlie. A more surprising scenario with him would be welcome, but I'll settle for this just fine. 

Thanks for the read, sir. 


*Stranger at the Door*
*by Circadian*

Spelling & Grammar: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *16.5*

A prime example of the kind of clean storytelling that makes reading fun. This pacing is just about perfect for me in flash-fiction -- quick and straight, but with enough detail and character to keep it grounded. Highly enjoyable. 

You set the scene well. No problems on the imagination front; it's simple, yet busy, imaginative, and real. 

I enjoyed the little faux fiction you created, that Jared's inspired enough by to build a life-size model of one of its famous contraptions. Captain Nebula sounds suitably like a classic of children's literature, ha. I really want to read that fake book, now. Darn you...

Just to clarify, Jared was building a replica -- or so he thought -- time machine, right? You stop short of stating what it is, outside of all the clock imagery. If I'm right, then there's only one thing I didn't like: I guessed the twist as soon as you described the 'stranger' at the door's eye, but that happens sometimes. The twist isn't even slightly original, but I'm not much of an elitist. 

You came in a decent number of words under the limit, also. Maybe that surplus could've been put to some use . . . I don't know. Just an observation. 

Nothing else to say, I guess. Sorry for the short critique, but there aren't any flaws to dig into. I shall simply say good work, and thanks for the read.


*Stranger at the Door*
*by ShadowEyes*

Spelling & Grammar: 3.5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *14*

Loved the gothic/medieval nature of this. I'm way into dark tombs, statues, ancient kings, ghosts, and treasure. I read a lot of M.R. James, whose horror alludes to such boyish fantasies. It ticks my boxes.

I drew from my experiences of that to imagine your piece, which helped. You competently embued that vibe into the writing, too. The scene where Thomas discovers the ghost is particularly well done (with the awesome hole in the darkness). 

I was enjoying the first half, following things just fine. Then it got confusing. I'm not sure what happened. Thomas stumbles on a tomb where a guardian spirit dwells -- that's simple. Got it. 
It turns out this spirit killed his mother. Is that right? Or did Dimitri see her die? If so, who murdered her? Why was she in the tomb (if she was)? Important information is being hinted at left and right, but never actually discussed with conviction. Is it all Dimitri's lies?! 

What deal was struck between them -- to build a statue in Dimitri's honor, or Thomas' mother's? Plus something about clearing a family name. Whose family name? Dimitri's or...? And clearing it of what, exactly? The murder? The 'fratricide'? The infamy which bastard children garner? I don't understand the context of anything, sadly. 

For 650 words, a hell of a lot is going on here. Too much. Key background information isn't presented enough to shed light on fundamental questions (what? when? where? how? why?). I'm sure you understand it, being its writer, but as the reader -- and not a stupid one -- I had to re-read it a dozen times to make sense of anything, led solely by unenlightening dialogue and narration. I had no idea how right or wrong I was, and by the end, became deeply confused.

Perhaps it's my fault, but I know it's not normal to be as lost as I was while reading flash-fiction. I believe the second half of the piece could be so much clearer, like the first, which is excellent. The SPaG issues didn't help matters, but never mind, I want to end on a positive: you absolutely nailed the tone, and I dearly hope you flesh it into a bigger, more coherent story.

Thanks for the dark read, sir.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=kilroy214’s scores]

Hitotsmami
Stranger at the Door

SPaG: 3.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 13.5

I liked the overall idea of this story with the odd encounter with the stranger at the door at midnight. I feel, however, the story lost momentum at the reveal of the identity of Jon Bellos.
If the neighbor lady (at least I assume she's Diane's neighbor, it is never said) knew a Jon Bellos from uni, but Jon had dies years ago, that would have been a twist. But old, drunk boyfriend stops at the wrong house sounds like an uncommon, but not unheard of, scenario. I also felt with the amount of times he says Diane's name that she would not realize he might be looking for Aileen, who goes by the same name as her. If he said it once, I can see her not exactly catching it, but he says if 10 plus times, I would think it would dawn on her to say, "Hey, my neighbor's name is Diane, are you sure you've got the right house?"
There were several instances I found were periods were used where comma's should have been, but for the most part, the spelling and grammar was dead on.


Plasticweld
I Have No Story

SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 17

I admire the take on the prompt, it made for an interesting take on a "Stranger at the Door". I liked the idea of Death being the stranger, and I thought I would see a lot of entries using this motif, but yours was different than I imagined most of those, and for that, I applaud you.
My only wish is that this is kind of a fleeting part of the story, and would have liked to have seen more focus on this part. I noticed a missing period and comma, and a comma tag leading into dialogue, and a quotation typo, but Spelling and Grammar was pretty clean, and gave for a smooth read of the story, which I found enjoyable.


Emma Sohan
Psychology Test

SPaG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 11

The long lost daughter is the stranger at the door. As an interpretation of the prompt, I liked your choice, and a pretty realistic one to boot. I thought the psyche test as a ruse was a great concept that I feel was executed before it could be refined.
I did not quite understand why the dialogue tags were in the format they were, especially when the story was only about 500 words long and had word length to spare. The extensive use of periods also gave for a somewhat choppy read and the 1st person perspective shift to 3rd at the end detracts from the tone of the piece. Coupled with lots of sentence fragments, a missing comma and "Ayers" being misspelled, it gave the work a lower score than it really deserved


astroannie
I Am A Stranger

SPag: 4.75 - typo'd word
Tone: 5
Effect:8
Total: 17.75

A beautifully written and relatable story. It was striking and held my attention all the way through (and as a man who usually can't stand tear jerkers, that is saying a lot!)
You have a knack for pulling on emotions without going overboard and making it feel sappy or cliché. I felt the tone was very strong and enjoyed that the focus was guilt, something that has to weigh heavy on people in Lauren's position, but are too ashamed to admit.
I also thought, in a heart breaking manner, that not only was Lauren a stranger at the door to her mother, but her mother had become a stranger to her as well.


Ibb
Abroad

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 1
Effect: 3
Total: 8.5

This story had me asking questions right off the bat and just kept me asking them. It was very hard to follow, especially with the lack of any dialogue tags. After the stranger walks into the center of the floor I was completely lost, and the extreme overuse of vocabulary to convey the simplest of things was confusing (a 30+ word sentence that translated to "I tried to remember." for example.)
I was lost from beginning to end and felt no sense of closure at the end. As for spelling and grammar, most things seemed clean, although I think at the end, hell was supposed to be hello, but again, I can't say for certain.
I think if all the unnecessary words were removed, or translated to simpler text, the story, albeit shorter, would be more coherent and more identifiable to the reader.


Garza
Stranger at the Door

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 4.5
Effect: 8
Total: 17

This story, for some reason, reminded me of the Dirty Dozen, specifically the scene where Jim Brown does his dash with the grenades down the vent holes and is mowed down before he reaches the get away, but tries so damn hard to make it.
First and foremost, I love the ending of the story and how it brings the tale to full circle. I felt the setting perfectly, even just through the dialogue, and was glad we were shown this and not told. The interaction between the characters was realistic.
My only nits were that I thought a few words, a bit of dialogue and a dialogue tag, should have been capitalized, and the dialect between the old woman and Misus Wilson's son was little hard to follow my first read through. However, I am glad it was written in this form, as I feel it does wonders to convey realism


Pishwi
Stranger at the Door

SPaG: 3
Tone: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 14

Very good descriptive writing in a style of quasi-leet speak. A lot of commas and periods outside of the quotations gave for the lower spag score. I also felt a word choice was a bit off, "squeezing through" should have read "squeezing between", and I felt the use of parenthesis did not seem necessary.
I was slightly confused by the twist ending. I was not sure why this guy's brother would pull a death hoax on him and sell his email account off and let the joint bank account get robbed out of revenge when it was stated that the account was share by him and his brother. Isn't that his own money getting stolen too?


Bishop
A Pair of Docks

SPaG: 5
Tone: 4.5
Effect: 9
Total: 18.5

BROWN COATS UNITE!!! Alrighty, now that that's out of my system, let us continue.
I found the story to be a delightful sci-fi, a genre I did not think I'd see in the LM here, and a genre you are, as your writing proves, truly familiar with. I saw no spelling or grammatical errors and caught the nice little Firefly reference.
As a fan of science fiction, I have never been too fond of stories that deal with time and the messing around of it. This story, however, was a great adaptation of Temporal Anomalies playing a role in a story. I thought the twist at the end was excellent and I found myself wondering after reading just how many times had she gone to the left dock. Was it the first? Thousandth? I couldn't help but feel like this was leading into a grander story, and hope there is more to come.


Kyle Colorado
Underneath it All

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 9.5
Total: 19.5

I was enthralled with this piece from beginning to end, and felt that it was just right at 650 words. Any more or less would have ruined the thing. It reminded me very much of the anti-western genre; so much violence with such a beautiful setting for a back drop. I do not know, maybe I've been reading too much Cormac McCarthy lately.
The way everything came to a perfect circle at the end was perfect and how so much seemed described in such a short span. My only nit was I was really not feeling the second person POV.


Escorial
View out the Window

SpaG: 3
Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 14

A saddening tale, I thought the commentary on loneliness was a powerful message in this story. I couldn't help but look back on my own childhood and think of all the friends I had and wonder where they are all now.
Spelling and Grammar seemed alright, though a lack of commas was a tad confusing, making me have to reread a lot of the content with my own pauses interjected.


Guy Fawkes
Specters

SPaG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12


First and foremost, I realize patio doors are doors that strangers can be at, but I felt this was story was a very loop-holeish take on the prompt.
All in all, the story concept is a good one. Several sentences seem to be worded strangely, misworded or obscure to the point of confusion. I found myself asking more question than I got answers to, like "What is ether?" "Why are invocations different than other spells?" "Who are these people hunting the witches down?" and "When did Tyler become a girl's name?"
I feel like there was just too much story trying to fit in such a small word length, and I whole heartedly feel that this has great potential to be more than just a short story.


A Very Special Bear
ThePancreas

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Total: 19.5

I have to congratulate you one what could have become an extremely over emotional story and keeping it within the real of reality. I thought the inner mind sets of all the characters were completely believable given their age and past, and could very well imagine this being a real scenario.
It is very easy for a writer to overplay the heartstrings of a reader to get a reaction, but I though you showed great restraint here, which gives the story power. I was also glad to see such an emotional story end on a happy note!
There is a comma missing before the second use of "white knuckled" which I also felt should have been something different. That is my only nit, the rest of the story, I felt, was flawless.


Euripides
Changing of the Guard

SPaG: 4.75
Tone: 4.5
Effect: 8
Total: 17.25

I liked the descriptive text of this story, it was very easy to feel immersed in the scene. There was one oddly worded sentence near the beginning, the description of the wind blowing between his house and his neighbors. 
The attention to detail was great, especially when it came to Tyrell. I would be lying if I told you I was satisfied with the ending, it was a little too obscure for my liking, but not by much. Not enough to detract from the score, as it is a personal matter of my own, and I though the story, as a whole, was quite interesting and well told.


Gofa
No title

SPaG: 2
Tone: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 7

This was a very bewildering read, not because of the subject matter, but the massive amount of oddly worded sentences and missing punctuation. As for the tale itself, I felt like I stepped into David Lynch's mind. Lot's of interesting things were going on, but little to no explanation left me feeling disoriented.

JAnfinson
Black Balloon

SPaG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 9
Total: 19

Damn! -- was all I could say after reading this. I don't know if I've been creeped out in such a short little read before or not, but you definitely have a knack for cranking up suspense and then delivering.
My only nits were I think the "thought" text should have been formatted differently, ie italics, parenthesis, etc. I know that is not always the case but I think it would have made for a clearer read. I found myself rereading a few lines to come to the realization that "Oh! He was thinking this." especially at the, "God that guy gave me the creeps. Maybe he should call the cops anyway".
Other than that, the pupils being blackened out at the end gave me pause. Pupils are black all of the time. I wondered if you meant irises, or of the entire eye was blacked out, which I think would have upped the creep factor another few notches.


CraniumInsanium
Don't Go Out

SPaG: 3
Tone: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 15

First off, I have to say I was a little disappointed this story ended. You had me hooked and I was intrigued by the end that I wish there could have been more. This felt like the start to something larger. There were a couple sentences that felt a little clunky, especially in the first paragraph, and some odd breaks and missing spaces, misspelled word, and missing dialogue tag. I think a little editing would could have bumped this score up a bit, but overall, the effect and tone left me wanting more, which is what you want to instill in your reader. Well done.


Anon
Times are Hard

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Total: 20

Wow. Just wow. From beginning to end, this story had my undivided attention, and I can't remember the last time a story made me laugh so hard. It kind of made me picture Death as a Jehovah's Witness or Encyclopedia Salesman. Kind of makes me wonder what the people's miracle drug is. And is it weird that I pictured this going on at a trailer park? At the guy's double wide while his wife clipped coupons on a TV tray while watching Wheel of Fortune and smoking form a pack of Winstons?
I'd like to think so.
My only nit was that I think dopefiend should be hyphenated, but I think that is more of one of those rules that pertains to matter of perspective, so I let it slide.


Anon
The Winnowing

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 9
Total: 19

Interesting and cryptic, I admire the title being the key to the story's revelation (if that was the intention).
I though the use of description in such a restricted span of words wove a perfect balance of narrative and the dialogue felt natural. I felt Caliburton's response of "What the hell?" was appropriate foreshadowing and wonder more why he was chosen for a winnowing than how he arrived at the Sorter's cabin. I enjoyed this very much.


godofwine
Neighborhood Reclamation

SPaG: 2
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 11

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say Jarred is a Republican. Neighborhood Reclamation had very Mac Bolan feel to it. I used to eat those stories up as a kid; Able Team, Mac Bolan, The Executioner, etc. This story took me back
Quite a bit of spelling a punctuation errors here really sunk the score. I was also confused by the paragraph about the M-60 being constantly one the move as this is just not true in (most) combat. In fact, they are actually pretty static, as their main role is to lay down a high volume of suppressive fire so riflemen can outflank an enemy position. Makes the enemy keep their heads down so they can't fire back. Victory through fire superiority. In any case, and AK-47 is a far cry from a M-60. Even if them being mobile is true, the man wielding the AK does not get much of a chance to displace as he's cut down by Jarred's return fire pretty quickly. Also, it should be noted that he heard Automatic fire instead of saying AK-47 fire, as AK-47's are not identifiable as being a solely automatic weapon. 
I was also left wondering who exactly the stranger at the door was here.
The action, overall, is good as well as the chat between Jarred and Barnes before Barnes gets snuffed. I would suggest sitting on submissions in the future for a day or so, then give it a reread. I think editing could really boost your scores in the competitions.


Ari
Knife Cuts
SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 18

I found this to be a captivating little tale of fantasy that almost has an ethereal feel to it. I though your similes were beautiful and inspiring, mainly because I don't think I make good ones.
I found you use of description quite alluring and felt the scene had been painted adequately, and was glad to see the story end on a happy note, although I found myself questioning that some time after reading. Did we see what really happened, or is this Suri's wishful thinking carved on the wall?


Anon
Obregon

SPaG: 5
Tone:5
Effect:8

Hey, who needs to sleep anyway? Not this guy, not know anyway. Jeezy-creezy, what a creepy little yarn. I have to admit, I was a little unsettled by this story, it was the creepy-baby at the end that did it to me, because babies doing creepy-ass shit terrifies me. I just found that's a phobia of mine. Mainly because of this story.
you've obviously got a firm handle on the horror dial and know how to crank it up. I thought your interpretation of the prompt was creative and the follow through inspiring. 
Now I'm going to go check my closets and under the bed.


Ravensty
At our Table

SPag: 3.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 7.5
Total: 15

I enjoyed how your story came to full circle and the metaphor of the music used to represent each character.  It is a message true of all families; no matter the background, your family is your family and you will always love them.  I think it was a very relatable story that almost anyone could identify with.  The fact that their ethnicity is a focal point was a great way to give a feel of authenticity as well.
I would have liked to have seen the dialogue broken down into appropriate breaks as opposed to having it all in the middle of a paragraph. I also felt the use of the colons and hyphens were overabundant and gave an uneven feel through the read.


Anon
My Name is Allen Wallbrook

SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 7

This kind of reminded me of when I was a teenager.  I can commiserate with poor Mr. Wallbrook here.  It is kind of funny to me, because I feel like this is a seen we've all seen in a movie or a show; the no-confidence boy waits outside his crushes door for hours thinking of the right thing to say, but I think this is the first time I've actually seen the scene where we hear the boy's inner monologue.  And it was neat to see a story where the main character is the Stranger at the door.
It seems that there could have been a few things cut from this story.  It is not often that I think a slightly longer than 600 word tale is too long, but it felt like the heat and humidity metaphor was a little redundant and more focus could have been shown on Allen summoning a pair and knocking on Tiffany's door.  The opening sentence is a bit awkward and in the fourth paragraph there is a pretty big run on sentence.


Midnight Poet
Charlie

SPaG: 4.75 - comma splice in first paragraph
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13.75

I think a tale from the perspective of an animal was brave decision and was happy to see a story like this among the entries.  That being said, I feel like this is a children's story gone wrong.  I had no idea that starting out seeing the world through the dogs eyes that such a violent tale lay in store for me.  And was I the only one who felt sorry for the cat?  I thought master kind of shrugged that loss off a little too easily.  Some things rang out a little far fetched to me, like a snake being able to open a door, or rattlesnakes working in pairs.
I think the scenario just feels a little to serious for the manner it is told in.  The violence in the story is not bad, per se, but they way it is described, in such a realistically intense manner, it just left me feeling odd that this was a story to see through the dog's eyes.


Circadian
Stranger at the Door

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 17

An interesting little sci-fi, I loved the idea that it's a fan's attention to every minute detail in building a model that creates the very invention of the series.  My only nit is the twist.  It was rather obvious, and by the time it came there was no shock factor.  I think if it came earlier, perhaps, it would be more of a surprise.
I was also somewhat confused on what was so bad about the machine that made him come back in time to warm himself about it, in which case, wouldn't that mean his future self would cease to exist?


Shadow Eyes
Stranger at the Door

SPaG: 2.5
Tone: 1.5
Effect: 3
Total: 7

I think I saw what this story was supposed to be, and I think the overall idea is fairly interesting.  I followed this easily enough for the first few paragraphs and then became quite lost.  It was not too long before I had no idea what was going on.  I just found several passages so befuddling I could not help but be distracted.

Dirty leather's spoke of the nights graveyard shift -- What does that mean?
Smelled like fermented something -- fermented what?  The burden of proof is on you, not the reader.
A hand. Reached. Out. Of. It. -- Why all the periods?  This does not build tension.
You get used to that sort of thing -- Mother dying is something you get used to?  How many mother's did he have?  Are they all dead?
"I'll put it straight," and floating across the rubble -- Did you mean floated?
He often had visions of erecting a tower in his honor -- His honor, or his mother's?
He staccatoed --  Sounds awkward as an adverb
I think you'll try for one, give the circumstances -- Try for one of what?

I did not comprehend a lot of their conversation, which did not allow me to comprehend much of the story. I realize writing is subjective but there's a line where symbolic obscureness becomes gibberish, and this story is flirting dangerously close to it.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=amsawtell’s scores]

*Author:* Hitotsmami
*Title: *"Stranger at the Door"

*SPaG*:  4/5
*Tone:   *3/5
*Effect:  *6/10

*Overall:  *13/20
I like the premise presented here of a man getting the wrong house.  I got the sense that there may be something a little more sinister about this guy that we don't get to see.  You've addressed the prompt well and I feel that with some work this could be a sound story.


*Review: 
*I found the repetition of the characters' names distracting.  I think that some of the "Dianes" and "Jons" could have been dropped in favor of more description to make Jon a little more unsettling.  I also had a little trouble believing that two women called Diane would live next to one another who both went to law school.  If the narrator didn't go to law school then why wasn't that mentioned?

Grammatically I was distracted by the consistent use of periods instead of commas throughout your dialogue.  Because of all the hard stops your dialogue reads like fragments instead of the intended pauses.  


*Author:*  Plasticweld
*Title: "I Have No Story"
*
*SPaG:  *4/5
*Tone:*  4/5
*Effect:  *7/10

*Overall:*  15/20
I like the idea of Death being the stranger at the door.  I felt that this idea could have been more prevalent in your story.

*Review*:
The basic idea is interesting--how you die being THE story after death, but I felt that we never really got a feel for the main character.  I would have preferred seeing a checklist of activities instead of being told that the narrator had lived an exciting life.  There are also quite a few minor typos involving missing punctuation.  I think it's due to editing in one line but I did find a strange spot where two quotation marks are butted against each other as though a dialogue tag in the middle had been removed.  In all your story is a little on the "tell" side of things for me which caused your ending line to fall a little flat.


*Author: * EmmaSohan
*Title:*  "Psychology Test"

*SPaG:  *2/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *4/10

*Overall: * 9/20
I think the "plot" to sound this guy out for paternity sounds feasible and realistic for two teenage girls to think up.

*Review:
*A few things: I was bothered by the hard point-of-view switch at the end, the first paragraph consisted of nothing but sentence fragments but, most disturbingly, you've misspelled "Ayer's Rock."  Considering that it's a focus point not once but twice within your story I would have thought that you'd at least make sure of the spelling.

I also found the inconsistent dialogue tags annoying.  If you'd kept the script formatting throughout and had a consistent point-of-view you would have achieved a better score.  This story should be told from the point of view of one of the teenagers.  I think with the script formatting and telling it from the possible daughter's point of view with her young and somewhat cynical narration it could have had a charm and wit all its own that would have made it endearing.


*Author:*  astroannie
*Title:* "I Am a Stranger"

*SPaG: *4.5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *9/10

*Overall:  *18.5/20
This was a very touching story and a unique perspective on "stranger at the door."  The characters are very real with an honest, real-world conflict.  This is probably one of the most emotionally mature entries I've read.

*Review:  
*I hate that I had to deduct for a typo.  The first sentence also felt clunky to me.  Otherwise this very nearly made me cry.


*Author: * Ibb
*Title:*  "Abroad"

*SPaG*:  3/5
*Tone: * 1/5
*Effect:*  5/10

*Overall: * 9/20
I was interested up until the stranger walks in and then I was completely lost and quickly lost track of what was speech, what was description, and what was internal monologue.  I get what you were trying to do but it just ended up confusing.

*Review:
*The play-up of the snake tattoo at the beginning made it seem important but nothing comes of it and it is never mentioned again.  The snake tattoo in and of itself doesn't tell _us, _the readers, what it tells _you, _the writer.  In addition, the lack of dialogue tags and quotation marks muddles the flow of the story, and confuses the reader.  Further, the redundancy throughout the piece really eats up your word count which could have been used to make your story clearer for your readers.

Some examples: you described being lost with _two_ different statements in one sentence, you described moving in a circle twice in one sentence, you described the function of police twice in two back-to-back sentences, you used an entire paragraph to say "I couldn't remember," and you described a sphere twice using "globular orb."

Sometimes, the simplest description is best.

All of that said, I look forward to reading your work, there is a solid structure to your story and generally your grammar is on until the last few paragraphs and the maddening lack of dialogue formatting.


*Author: * garza
Title:  "Stranger at the Door"

*SPaG: *4.5/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect: *8/10

*Overall:*  16.5/20

This story has a rhythm and vibe all its own but reminds me of Zora Neale Hurston.

*Review:*
I personally don't have a problem with "dialect works" and personally felt this could have taken place in any poor, "ethnic" neighborhood.  I felt like I could have grown up with this boy and I felt sad at his loss.  I questioned a few of your dialogue formats, particularly in the paragraph where "He" knocks on the door and calls out good night.  I felt like it should have been separated out because I honestly didn't catch it the first time I read it.


*Author:*  Pishwi*
Title: * "Stranger at the Door"

*SPaG:* 3.5/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect*: 6/10

*Overall*: 12.5/20
The central mystery of "who's taking this money" is intriguing and the story feels very modern with a familiar, if stereotypical, main character.

*Review:*
There are several places where your grammar fails--and it's not in the "online" dialogue.  I had trouble connecting to this character and I was actually confused by his brother's "I'm dead--psych!" routine and as to why John/Blacklord doesn't recognize his brother.


*Author:*  Bishop
*Title:* "A Pair of Docks"

*SPaG*: 5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 9/10

*Overall:* 18/20
Very enjoyable little sci-fi piece.  

*Review:
*I had a moment where I said, "Wait, Eavesdown Docks?"  Nice reference to Firefly/Serenity.  That said, I deducted from tone because of it.  I don't really know if your reference was intentional but it threw up a flag for me.  Otherwise I quite enjoyed your story.


*Author:*  KyleColorado
*Title:* "Underneath it All"

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect: *8/10

*Overall:* 18/20
I was pleasantly surprised to find a western-themed entry.

*Review:
*I don't particularly care for second-person point-of-view though you've pulled it off very well.  You have interesting characters that are immediately recognizable because you play with western archetypal characterization.


*Author:*  Escorial
*Title:* "View Out the Window"

*SPaG: *2/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:*  11/20
The sense of loneliness and separation that permeates this story suits the action of this story very well.

*Review:
*I think that with editing so there's fewer run-on sentences and more clear language that you could have a strong story here.  I like the theme of someone so lonely but question why this character _didn't_ answer the door--someone so lonely should have answered the door.


*Author:*  Guy Fawkes
*Title: * "Specters:

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: * 3/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:* 12/20
This could be the start of an urban fantasy novel.  

*Review:*
There are several questionable word choices that jumped out at me--most notable "occult" instead of "cult" or "coven."  There are also a few places where your sentences become clunky and confusing.  The one action scene switches tenses and there are _so_ many ellipses.


*Author:*  thepancreas
*Title: "*A Very Special Bear"

*SPaG: *4.75/5
*Tone:* 4.5/5
*Effect:* 8/10

*Overall: *17.25
Was it just me or was Frances a little creepy?  Good job at portraying these characters.  I think the "stranger(s) at the door" being possible adoptive parents at an orphanage was a nice choice.

*Review:*
I noticed a missing comma right before the second use of "white-knuckled."  Speaking of "white-knuckled" I would have preferred seeing something else instead.  In a piece this short the phrase became jarring.  I also had to pause and re-read "'Hi, Olivia,' he said, up in pitch." to catch what you meant.  Otherwise, this was a very strong and touching story.


*Author: * Euripides
*Title: *"Changing of the Guard"

*SPaG: *4.5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect: *8/10

*Overall: *17.5/20
I found this "death on the doorstep" story very amusing.

*Review:
*I like the idea of an evasive old guy talking/charming his way out of death.  There is an oddly phrased sentence in the first paragraph and I think a period would have worked better in "My visitor looks a little lost at the lack of a door; he lowers his arm and smiles."


*Author:*  Gofa
*Title:* "Untitled"

*SPaG: *1/5
*Tone:* 2/5
Effect: 4/10

*Overall: *7/10
I love sci-fi and I think that with some work this could become a story.

*Review:*
I was very confused by which character was speaking, which is very important because of the line about "conquered species."  If the human is speaking we should dislike him because he's a callous murderer but if the rat is speaking then we can cheer on the human as a freedom fighter.  There are a lot of grammatical issues and several sentences are downright confounding.  Also, the tense changes constantly or there are verb-tense agreement issues.  All of these made this a very difficult read.


*Author:*  J Anfinson
*Title:* "Black Balloon"

*SPaG:*  4.5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 9/10

*Overall*: 18.5/20
CREEPY!  

*Review:  
*I had one real problem with this and that was the last line.  Pupils are always black.  Did you mean irises?



*Author:* CraniumInsanium
*Title:*  "Don't Go Out"

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:* 13/20
Interesting story with just the right touch of humor.  An accidental time-travelling stranger is fairly unique.

*Review:
*A lot of your descriptions are weirdly worded and are non-specific.  For example: "Metal clanged against each other and something shook as it hit something harder than itself."  I would re-word this as: "Metal clanged against metal and the house shook as something hit the ground."

Your last line made me smile.


*Author: * Anonymous
*Title:*  "Times are Hard"

*SPaG: *4.75/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect: *10/10

*Overall:* 19.75/20
This was very funny.  I actually laughed out loud.  By this entry death being the "stranger at the door" was starting to get a little old.  I quite enjoyed a funny version.

*Review:

*I took off for a missing comma.  Otherwise very funny.  I loved the line about the flowers being fake.


*Author:*  Anonymous
*Title:* "A Winnowing"

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect: * 8.5/10

*Overall:* 18.5/20
This was an amusing and interesting take on Saint Peter.  I do like that this take on "stranger at the door" follows the stranger's point of view.

*Review:
*I like Saint Peter this way over an old dude wearing white robes and standing over a book.  This makes him a little more accessible.


*Author:*  GodofWine
*Title:*  "Neighborhood Reclamation"

*SPaG*: 3/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect*: 6/10

*Overall: *12/20
There was some really good action in this story.

*Review: 
*There are several places where there are words missing and where words are in an odd order.  In particular the line "Jared squeezed off a shot as gasps arose when Mac's body hit the ground" is very weirdly worded.  Did Mac just fall over as Jared takes a shot at him?  Also, who stands around and watches a gunfight?  Why wasn't Jared arrested for burglary?  Overall, this story felt very rushed.  Mac made me think of "Boss Hogg."


*Author:*  Ari
*Title*: "Knife Cuts"

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 7/10

*Overall:* 16/20
This is an interesting setting and Suri is an interesting character.

*Review:
*I'm left feeling as though I'm missing backstory.  Suri has her own voice and comes across as a little girl very well. Being wary, in her situation, is a smart move.  However, I feel there is a distance between the readers and Suri which kept me from becoming attached.

The only part that was truly distracting is the one paragraph in present tense starting with "Listen! Listen!"  I couldn't tell if Suri cut those words into the wall or not because everything she cuts into the wall is in present tense while the narrative is in past tense.  If it is something she wrote I'd like to know because it sounds quite different from her "regular" knife cutting voice.
*
*
*Author: * Anonymous
Title:  "Obregón"

*SPaG: *5/5 
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect: *9/10

*Overall:* 19/20
Very creepy.  I had trouble sleeping after reading this one.

*Review: 
*I don't have too much to say on this.  I didn't notice any spelling and grammatical errors.  My one nit would be to change "--said the cloak" to "--said the figure."


*Author:*  ravensty
*Title:  *"At Our Table"

*SPaG*: 3/5
*Tone: * 3/5
*Effect: * 7/10

*Overall: *13/20
I think it was very brave to share a story like this that feels as though drawn from personal experience.

*Review:*
The constant misplaced hyphens and colons were very distracting, the enjambed dialogue hard to read, and the dead animal/table metaphor was very heavy-handed.  This story was all about tell and very little about show.  This sort of story would have been better served with a first-person point of view so that the audience knows right away that this is a personal story and it would also allow the audience to build a rapport faster with this character.


*Author: * Anonymous*
Title:  *"Hello, My Name is Allen Wallbrook"

*SPaG: * 4/5
*Tone:*  4/5
*Effect: * 8/10

*Overall: * 16/20
I like how this story drew this prompt back into the real and identifiable. 

*Review:
*The opening sentence was a little difficult to get through.  There are some other, minor wording issues, a run-on sentence, and by the time I was through reading I was very tired of hearing about the air.  All of that said I could identify with this character and I was very glad he got up the courage to knock.


*Author:*  midnightpoet
*Title: "*Charlie"

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall: *14/20
This is an original narration choice for an adult story.

*Review:
*This made me think of the kids' series "Bunnicula."  The entire series is from the perspective of the family dog.Unfortunately, because of this association, I couldn't take this story seriously.

I'm not a snake expert so I actually looked this up--_snakes DO NOT come in pairs!_  I would also suggest differentiating Charlie's thoughts from the narrative.  I was also wondering how exactly a snake opened the door?  I got the impression that this was set in early morning.  Who goes to sleep with their door open?


*Author: *Circadian
*Title:* "Stranger at the Door"

*SPaG*: 5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect:* 8/10

*Overall:* 17/20
I quite like the stranger at this door. I found this amusing.

*Review:
*Receiving a warning from your future self is a bit of a trope but the presumed method of time travel--a fan-prop was not only original but amusing.  


*Author: *ShadowEyes
*Title:* "Stranger at the Door"

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect:* 5/10

*Overall: *11/20
I like the basic premise of this story.  Personally, I enjoy fantasy and think this is a good start to something longer.

*Review:
*I was a little confused by this story because of some odd shifts in perspective and some fairly strange word-choices.  I lost track of what the characters were talking about and I never got the sense that they knew either.  I was really annoyed by the "A hand. Reached. Out. Of. It." line.  It read roughly.
[/spoiler2]


----------



## Folcro (Jul 29, 2014)

Congratulations Kyle, it was a solid story.

If anyone has any thoughts or questions regarding my score or critiques, feel free to send me a PM; I will be happy to discuss.


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## Terry D (Jul 29, 2014)

I want to thank the judges for their work, and time. There was a lot of judging to do and, for the most part it was done in a helpful and respectful manner. That is appreciated. I was trying for a Twilight Zone sort of feel (as much as one can get in 650 words) and was intentionally fuzzy around the edges. It's good to know that at least a couple of readers 'got-it'. That means I didn't miss the mark completely.

Congratulations to Kyle, Gyarachu, and Bishop. The competition this time was fierce. Your positions are well deserved.


----------



## midnightpoet (Jul 29, 2014)

I congratulate the winners, I enjoyed all of their stories.
I’m not surprised this didn’t do well.  I only had the inspiration the night before the deadline, but I decided to post it anyway, all comments are helpful.

Folcro: Thanks for the comments. On articles. I was trying to give the dog a distinct voice by eliminating articles.  Obviously it didn’t work.  I was inconsistent, I know.  Appreciate the comments, you were right - it shows the importance of rewrite and research, even on short pieces.
Bruno: Thanks for the comments. I did this on Google drive, and I thought about italics but couldn’t figure out how to do it.  
Kilroy: Thanks for the comments.  This I think was a good idea, and I wanted to do something different.  This came off the top of my head and basically didn’t work.  I rushed the story, never a good idea. 
Amsawtell: Thanks for the comments: I was assuming the wind opened the door, or the man didn’t close it good. I’ll admit not doing research on the snake, but it was a mountain cabin, far from civilization, and if the man was bitten he might not have made it  to help- so i thought the danger was real.   I wasn’t thinking of this as a children’s story, although I was thinking of Kipling’s Rikki-tikki-tavi when I got the idea.


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## Bishop (Jul 29, 2014)

All right, bronze medal! Jenna's very happy, especially given that she knew her story was a pretty played-out sci-fi trope!

And, to Amsaw and Kilroy, the reference was intentional, but has been removed from the final story 

And as always, thank you immensely to all the judges and congratulations to our Kyle and our Gara! Wooooo!


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## Pluralized (Jul 29, 2014)

Great work, Kyle!

And congrats to the runners-up. Tough competition all 'round. 

Many thanks to the judges too, some great and useful comments.


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## Hitotsmami (Jul 29, 2014)

Thanks to all the great judges you who spent the time in to give us some great critique! I'll do my best next month and hope to improve further!

And congrats to Kyle for first place and the rest for good work all around!


----------



## Kyle R (Jul 29, 2014)

Great job, everyone! I enjoyed reading all the stories. Each one had a different style and flavor. IMO, you're all excellent writers. :encouragement:

Congrats Gyarchu, and Bishop! Very strong stories.

(And Pluralized, I _knew_ that story was yours!)

Thanks to *Fin* for all your handwork. Your many broken laptops salute you.*

Folcro* - Thanks for the comments and the nits. Some good things you pointed out for me to think about. I had to cut the fight scene out due to word constraints, but I'm pretty happy with how the "cut away" technique ended up. 

Not a fan of the girl, are you?  

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. Cheers!

*Bruno* - I'm happy the story arc worked for you. There were a lot more bits to this puzzle, originally, but for a flash, it became too much. I had to pick and choose what would stay and what would get kicked off a cliff. Whittling it down to 650 words was no easy task! 

And yes, I do have a tendency to go purple often, I agree. I try to rein it in as much as I can. 

Glad you liked that last line. I liked it too. I was aiming to "reverse" the final line of the first scene. 

Thanks for the great critique! :encouragement:

*Kilroy*- Sorry the second person left a foul taste in your mouth. You're not alone! (A lot of people tend to dislike it as a tense, it seems.) I didn't intend to write it that way, it just came out like that and I decided, "Sure, okay. Why not?" and went with it. 

Cormac McCarthy really knows how to capture that unique combination of bleak and beautiful, doesn't he? 

I'm glad all the pieces fit into place for you. Thanks for the encouraging feedback! :encouragement:

*Amsaw*- The western-style story surprised me, as well. I'm not too familiar with the genre, nor its archetypes, other than what I've seen in movies. I went into the prompt planning to write a specific character arc (that of redemption), and when I pictured a stranger at the door, I kept seeing a silhouette with a long coat and cowboy hat. I said to myself, "Okay, I guess that's where we'll be taking this one!" Funny how the mind works that way, sometimes. It's in our head, sure, but good luck telling it what to do!

Glad the second person worked for you, despite your aversion to it. Thanks for reading and for the comments! :encouragement:


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## Ariel (Jul 29, 2014)

Congratulations to our winners and well done to everyone else.  I did enjoy reason everyone's pieces and hope to see everyone in the next one.


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## J Anfinson (Jul 29, 2014)

Congrats, Kyle and the runners up. Thanks to Fin and the judges, of course. Without you this wouldn't be possible. I'll see what I can take away from this one and maybe next time I'll do better. Lots of good stories this round, I'm sure the judging wasn't easy.


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## Gyarachu (Jul 29, 2014)

First off, congratulations Kyle! That really was an excellent story, with the added bonus of using second person effectively. Bravo!

And you too, Bishop. (Don't tell anyone, but your story was my favorite of the bunch)

That being said, I am genuinely surprised at my scores. This was the first time I have ever written anything for these competitions, and reading through the entries as the month went on I just kept laughing at myself, "Gyarachu you idiot, why would you embarrass yourself like this?" I seriously expected 5's across the board. I even had an apology rehearsed for making you all suffer. Ah well, maybe I'll save it for next time.
*
Folcro*--Your critique is a blessing and happily received. You should've seen how many "sighs" were in there the first time around, hehe.

*Bruno*--That Family Guy episode was actually half the inspiration for this. The other half came from a conversation I had with a friend about scientists supposedly having isolated the hormone that causes aging.

*kilroy*--Is it an old 26" tube TV with antennas and all? With the reds and blues all out of whack? That'd be weird because we'd be picturing THE EXACT SAME THING.

*amsawtell*--That was my favorite line; a last minute addition, too.

So thank you judges, for taking the time to do all this, and for being way, WAY too kind to me (I'm looking at you, Kilroy). And thank you Fin for all the hard work you put into hosting this.


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## Bishop (Jul 29, 2014)

Gyarachu said:


> And you too, Bishop. (Don't tell anyone, but your story was my favorite of the bunch)


Sorry I had to! 


But seriously, great contest all, and despite what Kanye says, Kyle earned it


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## aj47 (Jul 29, 2014)

Thank you judges and Fin. Way to go, Kyle!  This was an interesting challenge.


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## Ari (Jul 29, 2014)

Congratulations *Kyle R*, and *Gyarachu* and* Bishop.* Great stories all three 

And thanks to judges for taking so much time to score everything and write critiques for them all. A lot of what you say of mine is true, things that need to be worked on and all. Thanks.

Edit: I just noticed that I tied exactly with *J. Anfinson* again. How strange.

And I just realized we can say things to judges here...

*Folcro:* Suri is a Yiddish form of Sarah. I took it for it's three meanings more than anything else. As a name, it means princess. In Persian it means red rose, and in Japanese it means thief. Not that I'd expect anyone to know, and from this tiny bit of story you cannot see why 'thief' is relevant, but I thought I might explain as you commented on it 

More peril and danger needed - yes, I see that. I think that writing engaging short stories must take a lot of practice! I feel I have so little space to get things done.

*Bruno Spatola:* Thanks you 
Here, yes, there seems to be no terrible ending. Suri believes she is saved, but it is not a certainty... there could be some doubt as to what Varekai really plans for her, though I admit it was probably way too subtle for most people to catch.

Purple prose - I meant the sound that leaves make when they fall. That faint, layered rustling that they make mixed with wind in branches. But, I am always guilty of making this kind of metaphor. Sometimes they work and sometimes they do not.

*Kilroy: *Thank you ^_^ Yes, I'm glad you had that doubt. There is so much more story after this, I just kept typing on, but then I had to make myself stop *sigh* 

*amsawtell*: Yes, you certainly do not get the whole story. There weren't enough words for it! Was there distance? Bother it. I tried hard for there not to be, but I guess I didn't quite manage.
Yes, she's cutting that paragraph into the wall as well. I thought changing the font for all the knife-cuts would be enough to show it...


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## Guy Faukes (Jul 29, 2014)

Thanks to the judges for taking the mammoth time and effort to judge 26 pieces, and congrats to Kyle for a well-deserved win! 

*Folcro* - "Aha! You're dialogue shield can't protect you now!" Ahaha! Truthfully, I try to mimic the imperfections of speech, but I'm afraid my S&G isn't top notch.
"So, I'm not really sure what happened." Story of my life, my friend... story of my life, haha. I write shorts by encapsulating a photo of a greater fictional universe, but I still need a lot of practice in terms of scale and delivery. Thank you for the insightful critiques and complement and I hope you sit on the judges panel for the next round. 

*Bruno Spatola  - * Ahaha, "I've would've called...". Yes, I strive to make at least one horrific grammar error per submission, haha. Thank you for being honest in your critique. I prefer a review that takes the strengths and weakness of my writing into account rather than note what works. Thanks for the review! 

*kilroy214* - I tried to "iceberg" the elements in my story to add in mysteriousness and depth, but I realize it can only be used sparingly in a short story format. I still have awkwardness in my writing sometimes, which doesn't help either. Thanks for the input! 

*amsawtell* - I definitely need to work on my delivery and elegance (or at least revise a few more times before submitting). The "..." that implies awkwardness in dialogue may put off a reader if other elements of the story aren't jiving. Thanks for the critique!


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## Kyle R (Jul 29, 2014)

Hey, *Gofa*. 

I thought your story was very engaging. My wife and I read it together and we both commented on your excellent use of tension. It was very creative, too.

Could you tell us more about the rat and the hovering sphere? I'd like to know more about it. I also like the way the ending circled back to the beginning. :encouragement:


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## Folcro (Jul 29, 2014)

Kyle R said:


> Not a fan of the girl, are you?



I guess I just prefer villains :devilish: ...Or a more blurred line between good and bad. Idk.

But again, the prose was exceptional.



			
				Ari said:
			
		

> I feel I have so little space to get things done.



It'll come to you.


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## J Anfinson (Jul 29, 2014)

Ari said:


> Edit: I just noticed that I tied exactly with *J. Anfinson* again. How strange.



Shhh. We don't want people to know you're my alter ego! Or am I yours? I'm confused now.


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## EmmaSohan (Jul 29, 2014)

Thanks again to all of the judges, it is so useful to hear your comments. And to Fin and to the participants, who make it such a worthwhile contest. Congratulations to Kyle.

Can I say who I liked most? I Am a Stranger was actually painful at parts. Nice.


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## ShadowEyes (Jul 29, 2014)

Thanks everyone. Good job to the folks who did the writing and made the points and hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! ::gentle sarcasm::  The judges did excellent for my first experience with the Challenge and I'm very glad you were as tough as you were.


Awesome job *Kyle R*! And *Gyarachu* and *Bishop*! And I'll beat you next time, *Ari*!


*Folcro:*  Beginnings usually get the most revisions. ^_^''  I know they're pretty much card-board cut-outs, but it's flash fiction; what can you do? I'm glad you thought they were interesting at least. Of course I really wanted to have a graveyard keeper character because I thought Dampe from Legend of Zelda was so interesting and unexplained.
The story isn't part of anything larger. It went through too many brainstorming sessions and deviated from my original plan. I guess I got carried away in adding detail.
I prefer novels. Brandon Sanderson says that if you want to write a novel, you might as well start with a novel. Because I mentioned him, I reckon you'd be able to pick out my favorite genre, which is fantasy. I really wanted a full story in there, with no open ends. Thanks.


*Bruno Spatola:*  Ah, thank you very much. I'm reading _The Lies of Locke Lamora_ at the moment, so I noticed my sleeves were already rolled up and ready for dungeon delving. That and the DnD starter set influenced the story heavily...
So you're saying description is my stronger suit? Yay! Haha...
It's been, what, two weeks since I last read the story? And I must say, you're right. It's awfully confusing for so little dialogue. However, the gist of it is that the gold acts as a booby trap of sorts. It was placed so that whoever found it would be thrown into the scheme, which is that Dimitri wants to be remembered. Because he was murdered unlawfully (by his brother the king) prior to the dispute for the throne might've been an issue. So whoever brings up the gold would be murdered for it. Which would bring people to the masoleum in order to repair it (keep it hidden). Except the ghost plans to bribe those who go there to raise a monument in his honor. So the only lie that was of consequence was that Thomas was an heir to the fortune. His mother simply fell and died in the grave; she wasn't murdered like Dimitri. So Thomas's mother wasn't murdered and dishonored; only he was. But he sends Thomas to "clear [his] family name" on false pretenses.
Eh, too much:  probably. I had fun, though. I liked switching between characters. My favorite sci-fi series of all time is _Dune_, which has "body-hopping" viewpoints, third-person omniscient. I love the political intrigue.
Thanks again.


*kilroy214:*  I hope the previous paragraph cleared some stuff up for you. 
Well, I meant it to be simply as it was:  a graveyard shift as a gravekeeper, or groundskeeper.
I could have said, "dark, oily, twice-casked orc grog," but it could've also been composted dead things as well. I understand your criticism, however, and will think twice about being vague in the future.
I used periods because I'm mostly just toying with different techniques to see what works. I wanted to show that it might've been staccatoed (aha, I used it again!) like some kind of rave black-light. Or rather to described Thomas's horror. Trust me, it looked better in my mind.  ::tongue-in-cheek::
I figured he would get used to death being a mortician/graveyard groundskeeper.
Yup, that's definitely a mistake, probably from some part of the sentence that was included after it but got taken out as the direct verb.
I actually got criticism on that error almost immediately after the ten-minute grace period was up. Needless to say, I slapped my forehead at 600 mph.
But... But... That's not an adverb, is it? It's a quotation tag, I think, a regular verb. I like it. ::adamant::
Try for one of those three things that Dimitri wants:  name (which he didn't provide), honor, or life (which Thomas can't provide); so it's Dimitri being deadpan, but also untrusting. Thanks.


*amsawtell:* I think I need to hit the bar now!  ::laughing::  I pretty much said everything I wanted to say. I'm sorry you didn't get it (truly, it took me a while after these two weeks absence), but I hope I explained it a bit. Thank you.


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## Bruno Spatola (Jul 29, 2014)

EmmaSohan said:


> Can I say who I liked most? I Am a Stranger was actually painful at parts. Nice.



It was, wasn't it? Great entry. My personal choice for third place, with Garza in second, and Kyle first. Great entries overall, however; I was seriously impressed.

*@ShadowEyes: *Believe it or not, your entry was my favourite in terms of mood and tone. Now you've cleared up the story some, it sounds like it would've been my favourite overall piece, also, had it been as clear as you just explained. That is really my cup of tea -- very M.R. James, IMO. Such a shame it wasn't more obvious to me when reading it. 

Ah well, maybe next time?


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## ShadowEyes (Jul 29, 2014)

@BrunoSpatola

Ah, I am humbled. Truly. I shall reward myself by listening to Suzanne Vega. "But, wait, Jeff you're already listening to Suzanne Vega"? Indeed....  ::narrows eyes::
Can you recommend something from M. R. James? I'd be very grateful. I quite like film noir and really like Stephen King, so I'm sure ghost stories would be right up my alley, as well. Someone once recommended The Haunting​, and I never got around to watching it.
::sigh::  I might just try to finish this Franciscan monk story from the Colors of Fiction contest. I _love_ how both contests oppose each other, so there's always something to do...


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## Bruno Spatola (Jul 29, 2014)

Shadow, your story really reminded me of an M.R. James short called _The Treasure of Abbot Thomas._ It's about a reverend who's a medieval scholar. He goes to a small village to learn of this treasure, and where it is buried. He solves the puzzle and figures out where it is (in a tomb).

When he visits the tomb, he digs into the wall, and finds the 'gold'. Well . . . that's not all he finds. It's guarded by a disgusting spirit of some kind, which haunts him each night, 'til the end. 

Other ones I'd recommend: _O Whistle and I'll Come to You, My Lad_, and, _A Warning to the Curious. _


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## aj47 (Jul 29, 2014)

EmmaSohan said:


> Can I say who I liked most? I Am a Stranger was actually painful at parts. Nice.



Thank you.  It was an interesting idea to me.  What if *I* were the stranger at the door?  What door would that be and what would lie on the other side?


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## Ari (Jul 29, 2014)

ShadowEyes;1758544/ said:
			
		

> [...] And I'll beat you next time, *Ari*! [...]



Chi dostuvil-pe...


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## garza (Jul 30, 2014)

Congratulations to Kyle R, Gyarachu, and Bishop. Thanks to all the judges for your comments which, as always, have been filed away for consideration in writing my next piece. I've already studied them carefully and considered where and how the story could have been improved. A few lessons were learned - be careful using Belize City street Creole, even in very small doses, don't assume everyone remembers the closing scene in _Dogs of War_, use greater care in portraying the main character, and don't jam up the last scene trying to fit the word cap.

I've rewritten the story in an 18-hundred word version which I may paste in the Fiction board after some polishing.

A special commendation for astroannie. Great story about real life. Loved it.


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## godofwine (Jul 30, 2014)

I want to thank the judges. It was mentioned by more than one about the mentioning of the actual names of the weapons used. Even though this is "flash fiction" I want it to be realistic and not just throwing words at a paper to see what sticks. I went online and found what specific weapon special forces used, and noted the ammo amount and even the changing clips because that is realism to me. Watching Dawn of the Planet of the Apes one of the only quips I had was, "The monkeys don't change clips." There were multiple people outside, so the protagonist changing clips during down time made sense to me. Didn't want it to be like a Michael Bay movie. 

The paragraph about the M60 was to let people know how he learned to locate the automatic weapon shooter was based off of something I recalled from SeaBee combat traiing (I was was a Storekeeper, so I didn't do much combat), if it was a lil off, I'm sorry. I like details, even some that folks may think are useless. I could/should have left this out to add to the meat of the story. I got excited by the story's potential and submitted it without thinking, and could/should have used a day to clean it up as the following day it took all that I had not to go in there and edit it #StrengthAndHonor. amsawtell, kilroy214 & Bruno Spatola, that you very much for giving me something to build upon, and hopefully next time will mean a much cleaner story. Congrats to the winner and all of the contestants


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## CraniumInsanium (Jul 30, 2014)

Thanks to all the judges for taking the time to read and critique my story! It was one of those spur of the moment, "Hey...a contest. wth, why not." at 2am kida things. wrote it, woke up later and tweaked it a bit while trying to stay in the confines of the word count. THAT WAS TOUGH lol. I feel it definitely deserves more meat to it, but with more polish could stay the way it is. I'll do some work on it, ad perhaps post a more complete product later down the road.


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## Pluralized (Jul 30, 2014)

CraniumInsanium said:


> Thanks to all the judges for taking the time to read and critique my story! It was one of those spur of the moment, "Hey...a contest. wth, why not." at 2am kida things. wrote it, woke up later and tweaked it a bit while trying to stay in the confines of the word count. THAT WAS TOUGH lol. I feel it definitely deserves more meat to it, but with more polish could stay the way it is. I'll do some work on it, ad perhaps post a more complete product later down the road.




....Wait a moment -- we need to discuss that avatar, don't we?


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## Bishop (Jul 30, 2014)

Pluralized said:


> ....Wait a moment -- we need to discuss that avatar, don't we?



We already have been!


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## escorial (Jul 30, 2014)

well done KR...


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## garza (Jul 31, 2014)

godofwine - Gulfport? My old home town.


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## Euripides (Jul 31, 2014)

I had really liked the top 4 when I read through them. Congrats to Kyle for taking top spot! (the use of second person pov! I recall trying that in high school english class and being told 'Don't'. ) 

I always enjoy reading through the entries, even if I don't have one, to see what everybody does with the prompt. Usually I read them and think, "Oh! That was an interesting idea!" These promts are also a lot of fun to try writing. 

There were a lot of entries this time, so thank you to the reviewers for taking your time to review and comment on all the entries. 


*Folcro: *I don't understand your scoring, and wish there had been a little more of a critique for such a low score, can't really do much with the comments. Reading through again, I do agree with striking the word 'still.' And regarding your comment about 'knowing what wind chimes sound like'.....like Eskimo's having many names for snow, wind chimes sound much different in a light breeze than a strong wind. They don't chime or tinkle, they 'clang' (low toned ones do) hence the use of the description 'metallic staccato' (for the typical high pitched chimes). 

*Bruno:* Thanks for the comments about the editing, I think I went through this more than I normally do, but of course after hitting submit I noticed stuff that I had missed. Re: opening description, my friend and I who read through it joked that I could have started off more simply (and saved word count) by stating "It was a dark and stormy night". Also regarding Tyrell.....he was the 'new' death at the door, my friend thought he sounded like a repo-man (my response, "Yeah...of SOULS!!!!"), so I obviously didn't communicate the relationship between Hinkley and Harry/Tryell as well as I had hoped.`

*Killroy:* I see you noticed the same things as Bruno. After posting and getting past the editing time limit I saw two things I wanted to change. One of them was a sentence reworking in the last paragraph where I think it might have made who Tyrell a little more clear, without being too obvious.

*amsawtell: *Ah, the first paragragh strikes again. If three out of four point it out, I'll have to make sure not to repeat that next time. And as for the 'death at the door' theme....not what I wanted to write, but it's what came out when I started writing.


Thanks again everyone!


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## godofwine (Aug 6, 2014)

garza said:


> godofwine - Gulfport? My old home town.



Actually, we did ours at Fort A.P. Hill in Virginia when I was in the Navy Resrves. My fondest memory is after a long day they put on a movie: Full Metal Jacket - and it was standing room only. People are lapped up (girls on guys only), and people are sitting in the isleways. The very moment Nancy Sinatra's _These Boots were made for walkin' _plays the place cleared like roaches after a spotlight was turned on. I came back in half an hour later and there were 4 people in the tent, and one of them was working the projector. 

Good times. 

I have to say that the Bootcamp scenes in Full Metal Jacket were Oscar worthy if Kubrick could have stopped right there. R. Lee Ermey was perfect for that role - so natural. I've seen the beginning many times, but have only seen the complete movie once.


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