# Dissident



## Firemajic (Aug 31, 2017)

*In my bower dark
cowering
I grieve my transformation 
from a blissful one half of forever
to a solitary never again

Suffocating folds of silence imprison me
the mechanics of my faintly fluttering heart
shackle me to a new life
I never wanted

I wonder if the chrysalis weeps
entombed in it's silken cocoon 
as it is forced to morph
from sleek satisfied worm
to ugly grey moth with 
stunted wings

I never wanted to fly...*


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## sas (Aug 31, 2017)

Sorry, tapping on iPad. I've other suggestions to considerr later, but look to your numerous adjectives. Pare them. Some unneeded. When piled upon each other they weaken. Pick those important for meaning. 

ie: faint heart, etc

Maybe this?:

"from a blissful forever half
to a solitary, never whole"

Or, something like that


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## Squalid Glass (Sep 1, 2017)

I agree with sas. This poem has a strong shell, but it needs to be pared to really find its emotional power. I also think some sentimentality can be cut, for instance in the last two lines of S1.

Really love the last stanza and final line.


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## Pete_C (Sep 1, 2017)

It's a good idea with a strong message, but I have to agree with the consensus that it's carrying a bit of excess baggage!

In my bower dark
A bower is shaded by nature; I don't think you need 'dark' and it does add to the flow if other lines are trimmed.
cowering
A few reads in and I can dispense with cowering without losing any impact as a reader.
I grieve my transformation 
This line is strong and shows this is not a birth or death but a rebirth, a transformation. It subsequently renders further mentions of transformation unnecessary unless they are needed.
from a blissful one half of forever
to a solitary never again
I think I know what you're trying to convey: that the former state is enjoyable but the post-transformation will not be. However, I don't see 'solitary' as conveying that. It's counter-point to 'half of forever', thus raising the question whether 'blissful' is redundant.

Suffocating folds of silence imprison me
Do suffocating folds of silence seem more ominous than silence alone? Silence surely is total; as a reader I can understand that and its punched home because it imprisons.
the mechanics of my faintly fluttering heart
I like the use of mechanics and heart; that's what it is after all. That image, however, is ill at ease with 'faintly fluttering'.
shackle me to a new life
I never wanted
Is 'new' necessary? We already know it's a transformation

I wonder if the chrysalis weeps
entombed in it's silken cocoon
Nit: its 
as it is forced to morph
It's not forced; as it morphs will be sufficient.
from sleek satisfied worm
to ugly grey moth with 
stunted wings
I don't think you need sleek or ugly. Is a grub sleek, and the point of the moth is made with its stunted wings.

I never wanted to fly...
Perfect!



Reading it this way it still has the message for me, and I can explore the images myself.

In my bower
I grieve my transformation 
from one half of forever
to a solitary never again

Silence imprisons me
the mechanics of my heart
shackle me to a life
I never wanted

I wonder if the chrysalis weeps
entombed in its silken cocoon 
as it morphs
from satisfied worm
to grey moth with 
stunted wings

I never wanted to fly...

I think with a polish and tidy up, this could be a strong piece and applicable to many scenarios involving a life transformation of some kind.


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## sas (Sep 1, 2017)

Fire, The advice  above is good. Take out your honing knife AFTER you write. I say let your poetic juices flow initially. You have good images that shouldn't be impeded at "the get go". Then, go back and surgically lift what's unneeded. I have the feeling you try to insert alliteration/assonance to enhance the poem. Be careful you do not drown the poem using it.


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## Firemajic (Sep 1, 2017)

sas said:


> Sorry, tapping on iPad. I've other suggestions to considerr later, but look to your numerous adjectives. Pare them. Some unneeded. When piled upon each other they weaken. Pick those important for meaning.
> 
> ie: faint heart, etc
> 
> ...





Squalid Glass said:


> I agree with sas. This poem has a strong shell, but it needs to be pared to really find its emotional power. I also think some sentimentality can be cut, for instance in the last two lines of S1.
> 
> Really love the last stanza and final line.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## Gumby (Sep 1, 2017)

Such great advice! I can only add my amen to what has already been offered.  That goes for the great ending line, too, Juls.


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## Firemajic (Sep 1, 2017)

Pete_C said:


> It's a good idea with a strong message, but I have to agree with the consensus that it's carrying a bit of excess baggage!
> 
> In my bower dark
> A bower is shaded by nature; I don't think you need 'dark' and it does add to the flow if other lines are trimmed.
> ...




Dear Pete, wow!!!! This is so fabulous... clean, concise... distilled... some things you edited out, I had done in my first revision, then I started adding them back in, hahahaaa.... but, you also pointed out some words that I completely missed, like first line: bower dark, you are correct, dark is not needed... and "new life"... "new" was not needed... there are many, many more examples of how you made sure each word had a job to do....
sometime, it is difficult to know how much is too much.... sooo, thank you so much, I love this critique and am grateful for your time, skill and effort... it will not be wasted...


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## Firemajic (Sep 1, 2017)

*In my bower
I grieve my transformation
from half of forever
to a solitary never again

Silence imprisons me
the mechanics of my heart
shackle me to a life
I do not want

I wonder if the chrysalis weeps
entombed in its silken cocoon
as it morphs
from satisfied worm
to grey moth with
stunted wings

I never wanted to fly....


Thanks to sas, Squalid Glass, and Pete.... you all are awesome mentors....

Thank you Gumby! I appreciate your fabulous comments...  *


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## sas (Sep 1, 2017)

Wow, Fire, damn good poem.  Wonderful. Applause. sas


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## Darren White (Sep 1, 2017)

That is SUCH a beautiful poem in its entirety. And that last stanza with the sole final line alone could be a poem....
I have once compared myself to being a moth that preferred to crawl back into its cocoon, but this is way stronger.


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## SilverMoon (Sep 1, 2017)

*EDIT 

*What I've deleted is my critique of 1st Version, somehow bypassing 2nd Version.
A bit too tired tackle the revision. Sorry folks about the confusion.

Fire, what can never be deleted:  I always applaud, validate and honor your work, especially as a fellow Confessional poet.

In the future, I hope to give your work rightful justice after keeping up with your revisions! :eagerness:


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## jenthepen (Sep 2, 2017)

Your poems are always so startlingly honest and this one is heartbreakingly so. Your revision sums up the message more neatly but the emotion punches in both. Great work!


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## urbandekay (Sep 3, 2017)

I read your poem and thought good, I read the pared down version suggested and thought it to prosaic, too lacking in anything poetic, rendering it flat and emotionless


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## Firemajic (Sep 3, 2017)

Darren White said:


> That is SUCH a beautiful poem in its entirety. And that last stanza with the sole final line alone could be a poem....
> I have once compared myself to being a moth that preferred to crawl back into its cocoon, but this is way stronger.




Darren, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it so much 





SilverMoon said:


> *EDIT
> 
> *What I've deleted is my critique of 1st Version, somehow bypassing 2nd Version.
> A bit too tired tackle the revision. Sorry folks about the confusion.
> ...





jenthepen said:


> Your poems are always so startlingly honest and this one is heartbreakingly so. Your revision sums up the message more neatly but the emotion punches in both. Great work!




Dear jen, I love the way you see my poetry, you always understand the emotion behind the words, and that is the most important thing... the message... Thank you my fabulous friend...





urbandekay said:


> I read your poem and thought good, I read the pared down version suggested and thought it to prosaic, too lacking in anything poetic, rendering it flat and emotionless



I understand exactly what you mean... for years I have been told that imagery is the life blood of a poem's message, yet when I add imagery, I am told that it is not needed... so I am confused as to HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH! Hahahaaa... sheeeit, seems like imagery and emotion has became passé... thank you for reading and thank you for your insight....


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## jenthepen (Sep 3, 2017)

urbandekay said:


> I read your poem and thought good, I read the pared down version suggested and thought it to prosaic, too lacking in anything poetic, rendering it flat and emotionless





Firemajic said:


> I understand exactly what you mean... for years I have been told that imagery is the life blood of a poem's message, yet when I add imagery, I am told that it is not needed... so I am confused as to HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH! Hahahaaa... sheeeit, seems like imagery and emotion has became passé... thank you for reading and thank you for your insight....



For what it's worth... I discovered years ago that you're never gonna please everybody. I simply try to get as close as I can to the real essence of what I want to say in the most gripping/beautiful or powerful way possible. I value every critique because it gives me the chance to try out different routes to achieving _what I want my poem to be_. I only make changes if the new version makes me say YES! and works to get me closer to that elusive perfect expression. Trying to guess what will work best for other people is frustrating and ultimately futile.


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## Firemajic (Sep 3, 2017)

jenthepen said:


> I value every critique because it gives me the chance to try out different routes to achieving _what I want my poem to be_.




FABULOUS!!!! I value every critique because it gives me the chance to try out different routes to achieving what I WANT MY poem to be... MY poem... 

Good critique shows us all the many different possibilities...


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