# Deadlock Carter (reboot) - Prologue



## Jeko (Sep 6, 2012)

(one use of mild language  )

(edited a little)

At one end of the bridge, Kenny Waters was sprawled over the icy cobbles. His breathing was heavy, and each breath only took in a little air before the snow from the blizzard found its way down his throat. He choked. His face was frozen and his teeth chattered into each other, scraping away the enamel. Somehow, he found the energy to stand up. 

He was a shivering wreck. His coat – that horrible red and gold number – had been lost some way back. Boy, would he have liked it now. Snow threw itself all over his suit and his bloody lapel. His shirt was stiff and frigid, his trousers no better. How it had become so cold - so dreadfully cold! – in such little time was beyond him. He only hoped the cold might kill him first, before Harry did. Or he might leap off the bridge, and fall down, down, down to the bottom of the valley.

He saw his attacker. He tried to run, slipped on the ice, and fell hard. 

At the other end of the bridge, the demon assassin Headless Harry Smiles was crushing the ice beneath his boots as he walked, carrying his enormous bulk and unstoppable momentum with him. Every step sent shudders through the stone. Harry flexed his fingers, wrapped in the metal of his black body armour, and kept advancing. He was calm, never changing his pace. Despite the blizzard, Harry’s armour was warm – scalding, even, if you were stupid enough to touch it. Every inch of his body, even the flat cut of his neck level with his shoulders, was encased in his black armour and not a single snowflake settled on it. He was like nothing Kenny had ever seen, or ever wanted to see again in his life.

Kenny wanted it to be over. He had lost it all – his house, his wife, two of his teeth – and in his last-ditch attempt to survive, he had driven across the length and breadth of the country. He’d been so scared, he hadn’t seen the truck. _Crash_. He remembered it too well_. _Then it had all gone black, and then it had all gone blue. The same bridge, the same Kenny, but where had the blizzard come from? And the valley? Why was he suddenly alone? Of course, he knew it was him. Harry. The demon. They had come so far, but for what?

And where was his bloody car?

‘Kenneth Waters,’ Harry growled. Kenny tried to get up again, but he only fell on his side. ‘You expected to just walk away from it all. You are a bold one.’

‘I wasn’t-‘ Kenny fell again ‘-walking.’

‘No, of course you weren’t. You thought you could get away from me _in a car. _Bold, yes, but very, very stupid.’ Kenny finally rose to his feet. The blizzard almost knocked him over, but he stood up straight and faced Harry with a grimace.

‘What did you do?’ Kenny roared. ‘Where are we? Where’s my car?’

‘You humans,’ Harry said. He chuckled, guttural. ‘So funny. _Where’s my car? Where’s my house?_’ he mimicked. He could make his voice go quite high if he wanted to. Most of the time he kept it low. It fitted the ‘demon’ moniker. ‘Why don’t you ask why I don’t have a head? Go on.’

Kenny breathed in and out, in and out. He thought it could stall him, at least. ‘Why don’t you-‘

‘Because my daddy cut it off, that’s why!’ Harry laughed and leapt at Kenny, sending a punch into his chest. _Crunch_. Kenny stumbled back and coughed in pain. ‘He said to me, _Harry, Harry_,’ his voice became a snarl, _‘if you don’t start being careful, you’ll lose your head_. And the next time I misbehave? The next time? He cuts it off!’ He swung another punch, a right hook. Kenny dodged it.

‘Your daddy sounds perfect,’ Kenny said back. ‘I wonder why he didn’t cut off your arms and your legs too?’

Harry collided with him.

Kenny was on the ice, Harry on top of him. ‘Don’t you dare talk about daddy like that!’ 

Kenny was shocked into nodding, furiously, and gasps of pain escaped him. Harry was pressing hard onto his shoulders. His back was aching against the cold ice, the bones not wanting to move. He tried pushing. He didn’t budge an inch. Harry had him like a vice. Harry squeezed down and said, ‘Where’s all that strength gone, Kenny? Come on, fight me!’

‘I can’t,’ Kenny spurt.

Harry came off him. He walked a few paces away as Kenny found the energy returning to his bruised joints.

‘What do you want?’ Kenny said, tired of getting up.

The blizzard picked up bitterly. Settled snow was swept away in the horrible wind, only for more to plaster itself onto everything. Everything but Harry.

‘I’m going to kill you, Kenneth Waters. Nothing personal.’ 

Harry waited for the moment Kenny was standing straight again, and saw the resolve return to his quarry’s eyes. He was going to fight. Kenny clenched his fists and ran at Harry like steam train on rollerblades.

Harry flicked his hand. Kenny rose in the air. Another flick and a scream as Kenny flew over the side of the bridge. Harry felt him drop.

Down, down, down he fell. Off the bridge, off the end of the world, he fell screaming until his body broke at the bottom of the valley.

Harry’s phone buzzed and nearly flew out of his pocket. It had a very high vibrate setting.

‘Yeah,’ said Harry, putting the phone to where his ear would have been. Like his armour, it was immune to the snowfall. ‘Yeah, he’s dead.’

‘Absolutely dead?’ replied a voice. It was sharp and cutting, even against the blizzard. If it wanted to be heard, it would be.
‘Absolutely,’ Harry echoed. He looked down and could see Kenny’s mangled corpse far below.

‘It is unfortunate,’ the voice said. ‘You will move on to the next one.’

‘And if that one isn’t the one either?’

‘You move through the list until you find him. Or until the list is done.’

‘There are hundreds of names on that list.’

‘They are prioritised. You shouldn’t be looking for long. Though since I’m paying you by the hour, I don’t think it matters if you are.’

‘Your concern is touching,’ Harry said.

‘Why can I hear a blizzard?’

‘Just a little something I cooked up in the Slip.’

‘I was hoping you weren’t, say, in Antarctica or something.’

‘Why would I be in Antarctica?’

‘Yesterday, you were.’

Harry growled under his breath. He ended the call.

He left the bridge. As he walked away, the snow turned to tall green grass and the bridge grew tarmac and speeding cars. Rays of sunlight bathed the landscape. A couple of horns cut over the quiet of the Scottish countryside, but other than that, and a small amount of birdsong, all was at peace.


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## Tigerbunny (Sep 6, 2012)

Hi Cadence!  Just an observation.  

At one end of the bridge, the man called Kenny Waters was sprawled over  the icy cobbles. (This is omnipotent and should be first person as you switch to first person in the second paragraph.)His breathing was heavy, and each breath only took in a  little air before the snow from the blizzard found its way down his  throat. He choked. His face was frozen and his teeth chattered into each  other, scraping away the enamel. Somehow, he found the energy to stand  up.  
He was a shivering wreck. His coat – that horrible red and gold number –  had been lost some way back. Boy, would he have liked it now. (Here)Snow  threw itself all over his suit and his bloody lapel. His shirt was stiff  and frigid, his trousers no better. How it had become so cold - so  dreadfully cold! – in such little time was beyond him. He only hoped the  cold might kill him first, before his attacker did. Or he might leap  off the bridge, and fall down, down, down to the bottom of the valley. 

Good opening, though and like the character.


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## Jeko (Sep 6, 2012)

Thnks for the feedback, Tigerbunny.

I don't quite understand your comments about 'first person'. The phrase you identified is used to add a flash character and tone to the narrator, and I don't believe it needs a first-person perspcetive to work. I'll look into it, but I'm sure I've seen the style used elsewhere.


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## Tigerbunny (Sep 6, 2012)

Its not that it won't work its just that you've switch hit from that perspective to another.  Usually I just pick one one POV and stick with it cause its less confusing to me but that's just me.  I've been known to be wrong before.


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## Jeko (Sep 6, 2012)

I don't think it uses two POVs. All of it is told be a narrator who, though he never refers to himself, has a character and voice I want to flesh out.


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## Tigerbunny (Sep 6, 2012)

Okay.  That makes sense.  Hey thanks for your wonderful insight on Ambrosia.  I changed it the way you suggested and it reads so much better!  Thanks again.


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## ~Ara~ (Sep 6, 2012)

Cadence said:


> Harry’s armour was warm – scolding, even, if you were stupid enough to touch it.



Should that scolding be Scalding?

 One other thing I'd say is maybe not to spell things out so much about the demon guy. Maybe leave people wondering about him more. Of course it depends what you're going for, but I think you could just give the story a bit more mystery by not giving away so much information. 

Other than that its really good, can't wait to see it you post more of it.


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## Nemesis (Sep 6, 2012)

It was a little creepy and made me laugh at the same time. But how is Harry talking without a head?Is it just a voice coming from his body? His dialogue was great though. I loved it ^^


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## BWFoster78 (Sep 6, 2012)

This is my first time visiting this forum.  I tend to give detailed critiques and go heavy on the technical aspects.  If this isn't desired, please let me know 



> At one end of the bridge, the man called Kenny Waters was sprawled over the icy cobbles.



"One" doesn't sound right to me, but I'm not sure of the basis of my objection.  I guess my first thought was "as opposed to at two ends?"  I really don't like "the man called."  It's more concise and impactful, IMO, to delete it.  I'd also think about both the other "the's."  Typically, you use "the" to refer back to something you've already introduced.  Since this is the first line, we haven't seen the bridge or the cobbles yet.



> His breathing was heavy, and each breath only took in a little air before the snow from the blizzard found its way down his throat.



That first clause is telling and doesn't add much.  It also makes you use two forms of the word "breath" in a single sentence.  I'd start the sentence with "each."  You could add something like "deep" to get the concept of "heavy" in.  Consider deleting "only" and "a."  Same thing with "from the blizzard" as above.  You haven't showed a blizzard yet.  Better, I think, would be to delete the reference here and throw in a description of the blizzard in the preceding sentence.  How about "forced" instead of "found?"  It's more active.



> His face was frozen and his teeth chattered into each other, scraping away the enamel.



There's a school of thought out there that you shouldn't start two sentences in a paragraph with the same word.  I don't necessarily advocate this; just throwing it out there.  It's much more impactful to describe his face as being frozen than to say "his face was frozen."  For one thing, I don't know whether to take you literally.  I think that "into each other" is, if not redundant, at least implied, especially after you add that last phrase.



> Somehow, he found the energy to stand up.



This is telling.  Show us getting to his feet.  Also, try to avoid using the same word too many times.  This is your second use of "found."

Anyway, hope this helps!

Brian


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## Jeko (Sep 7, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback everyone.



> Should that scolding be Scalding?



Absolutely. Unless his armour is going to rebuke everyone angrily... thanks for pointing that out.



> One other thing I'd say is maybe not to spell things out so much about the demon guy. Maybe leave people wondering about him more.



I'm actually in the process of considering how blatant to make things. In the past, I've tried hiding loads of things and they all get jumbled up in the end. I thought that, this time, I'd make a few things obvious and make some others mysterious. On what Noxicity said; I'm not going to explain why this guy can talk. Not yet, or maybe not ever...

I'll have to write the whole thing to make sense of it all.



> It was a little creepy and made me laugh at the same time.



Noxicity, you have made my day. Thats just the effect I wanted!

BWFoster78: Technical critiques are great. 



> I guess my first thought was "as opposed to at two ends?"



The idea of the 'one' was to pair Kenny's introduction with Harrys: one is at one end of the bridge, one is at the other.



> I really don't like "the man called." It's more concise and impactful, IMO, to delete it.



In that case, I'll need a quicker way of saying he's a man. In terms of flow, I think it helps, but that's just my stylistic preference.



> I'd also think about both the other "the's." Typically, you use "the" to refer back to something you've already introduced. Since this is the first line, we haven't seen the bridge or the cobbles yet.



It's probably in relation to the semi-omnipresent narrator. 



> That first clause is telling and doesn't add much.



I did want to do a good amount of telling, to avoid making everything shown.



> It also makes you use two forms of the word "breath" in a single sentence. I'd start the sentence with "each." You could add something like "deep" to get the concept of "heavy" in. Consider deleting "only" and "a." Same thing with "from the blizzard" as above. You haven't showed a blizzard yet. Better, I think, would be to delete the reference here and throw in a description of the blizzard in the preceding sentence. How about "forced" instead of "found?" It's more active.



I feel this is a lot to do with style, and though the changes would help in someway, it would make the opening have a different feel to the rest of the prologue. I will look over these parts., but changing the syntax in some cases might bcasue problems.

I would also say that I don't think everything needs a line of introduction. Speaking of the blizzard makes it there, whether its been there before or not. I've seen this kind of style choice done in many successful YA novels - Mark Walden's HIVE series, for example.



> This is telling. Show us getting to his feet. Also, try to avoid using the same word too many times. This is your second use of "found."



Telling is good for this, I think. The next line reads how he is, and this line tells us how he begins to get up - finding the energy to do it. How he gets up is completely up to the reader.

Is twice too many times?


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## Jeko (Sep 7, 2012)

I realised I could do without 'the man called', as it does work better without it, and the description of Kenny's apparel suffices to tell us he's a man, not a boy. Thanks for highlighting that, BWFoster78.


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## BWFoster78 (Sep 7, 2012)

> The idea of the 'one' was to pair Kenny's introduction with Harrys: one is at one end of the bridge, one is at the other.



Does "at the end of a bridge" paired with "at the opposite end of the bridge" work just as well? Then again, I don't think the "one" is a big deal. Just sharing my initial reaction when I read it.



> It's probably in relation to the semi-omnipresent narrator.



Hmmm. I'm not sure about that. My thinking is that the use of "the" is a grammatical function independent of POV. It indicates to the reader that they need to remember seeing it previously where the use of "a" indicates that it's the first time they've seen it. This, to me, does not vary with the narrator. Just my opinion, though. If you feel it's important (which I would suspect you don't because it's such a minor quibble), you could consider it a topic for future research.  

Contrasting my proposed phrase above, though, I would say that "the end" works.  While there does not have to exist in your world a bridge, if you have a bridge, it's intuitively obvious that there then exists an end.



> I did want to do a good amount of telling, to avoid making everything shown.



Interesting choice. I'm not sure why the telling or the statement itself is needed though.



> I feel this is a lot to do with style, and though the changes would help in someway, it would make the opening have a different feel to the rest of the prologue. I will look over these parts., but changing the syntax in some cases might bcasue problems.



Valid considerations.



> I would also say that I don't think everything needs a line of introduction. Speaking of the blizzard makes it there, whether its been there before or not. I've seen this kind of style choice done in many successful YA novels - Mark Walden's HIVE series, for example.



Agreed. My first part of the comment went back to the "a" vs. "the" subject from above. I was thinking that a quick description of the blizzard might help set the scene.



> Telling is good for this, I think. The next line reads how he is, and this line tells us how he begins to get up - finding the energy to do it. How he gets up is completely up to the reader.



A valid style choice. I'd do it differently, but that's what makes writing great: there are infinite combinations.



> Is twice too many times?



Good question! In general, I don't think two uses in a single paragraph causes a distraction to the reader, which is my main consideration in overusing words. However, using the word twice also serves to emphasize it. Does "found" have some kind of subtle contextual or thematic meaning that you wish to convey? If so, you should definitely keep both uses. If not, you should consider changing one of the uses since it's so easy to find a workable synonym. Just my thought.


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## BWFoster78 (Sep 7, 2012)

Cadence said:


> I realised I could do without 'the man called', as it does work better without it, and the description of Kenny's apparel suffices to tell us he's a man, not a boy. Thanks for highlighting that, BWFoster78.



Not a problem.  Glad I could help!


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## Jeko (Sep 8, 2012)

> Does "at the end of a bridge" paired with "at the opposite end of the bridge" work just as well?



Err............ no...... the rhythm doesn't feel right. But I'll keep the opening line in mind, simply because it's the opening line.

Don't want an agant to recieve my query letter, read one line and say 'well, this is s***'.



> Hmmm. I'm not sure about that. My thinking is that the use of "the" is a  grammatical function independent of POV. It indicates to the reader  that they need to remember seeing it previously where the use of "a"  indicates that it's the first time they've seen it. This, to me, does  not vary with the narrator. Just my opinion, though. If you feel it's  important (which I would suspect you don't because it's such a minor  quibble), you could consider it a topic for future research.
> 
> Contrasting my proposed phrase above, though, I would say that "the end"  works.  While there does not have to exist in your world a bridge, if  you have a bridge, it's intuitively obvious that there then exists an  end.



I'll have to keep all this in mind. I never really consider the implications of the simplest words we have.



> Interesting choice. I'm not sure why the telling or the statement itself is needed though.



Whenever I read over it, I always feel my breathing get a bit heavier when I read the word 'heavy'. It's almost onomatopoeic for me.



> Valid considerations.



I'm having some real problems with the second chapter, though. Whenever I try to write it it doesn't feel in key with the prologue. Although, maybe that's a good thing, using a slightly different style when we're centering on a very different character.



> Does "found" have some kind of subtle contextual or thematic meaning  that you wish to convey? If so, you should definitely keep both uses.



There could be a link betwen how ice can be found down his throat - in his body - but also the energy to arise.

And I could have just made that up, right now...


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## FleshEater (Sep 10, 2012)

I have no idea what I just read but I loved it. 

This was excellently set up in my opinion. I love it when a story can throw you in the middle of something and leave you guessing as to what in the world just happened. Not too mention you have a "thing" that is literally missing it's head? I really want to keep reading this story to see what's going on. 

I see the others critiqued the content of it; I only wished to express my feelings towards the plot.


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## Jeko (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks, Flesheater. Although I do not want to shoo away all the techincal geniuses on this forum, what I'm really looking for is honest opinion on style and direction. Nits can be picked later, but when starting a WIP what one really needs is an insight into how other people are reading your work.

Your critique really brightened my day. Thank you, again.

That reminds me... I might ask BWFoster78 what he thought overall. He pointed out a lot of critical things but I never got his general impression of the thing.


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## FleshEater (Sep 10, 2012)

Yes, you're absolutely right! Critiquing the details is a painstaking, monotnous part of writing. Conveying an interesting and unique story is always priority number one. I too look for the emotional feedback that my stories create first. Unless of course I blatantly over look something that is obvious to be pointed out upon first reading. You had this pretty well edited for its first presentation (at least the version I read) so nothing really jumped out at me with the first read.


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## Jeko (Sep 10, 2012)

I didn't really edit this extract much... it was more just thought-to-paper. 

I find editing a real slog, and I never do it immediately after writing a section. It dulls the impact the writing has on me, and breeds contempt for every part of it. I always leave nit-picking for later.

I might start putting that at the top of the page, that I don't really want nit-picking. But, beggars can't be choosers. And it's good to get nits picked whenever you can.


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## FleshEater (Sep 10, 2012)

I loathe editing as well. I have many stories that never turned into anything because I had wrote 5,000 words and never wanted to go back through and edit it ha-ha! 

I don't think it would be out of line at all to add that you're only looking for emotional feedback and would rather leave the technical critiquing for a later time. 

I hate to ask, but is there more to this story that you plan on sharing?


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## Jeko (Sep 10, 2012)

^I'm typing up the first chapter now, in the process of re-writing the end to have some better thigns going on.

The aim is to have a fully completed story that makes hardly any sense, and hence sells. I haven't read any stories about a someone who dies, and then becoems a superhero, so I should have an originalish story on my hands.

There will be vampires and werewolves, though not as ever expected, and more of Headless Harry Smiles, the mysterious figure he works for, and of course Deadlock Carter himself.

I will share more bits in due course, as long as they get written.


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## Nemesis (Sep 10, 2012)

Spawn died and came back =)


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## FleshEater (Sep 10, 2012)

What do you mean as long as they get written? After that you have to write this ha-ha! Stories that don't really make much sense at all sell quite well. Look at Donnie Darko...there is a massive cult that follows that movie thinking that it's one of the "deepest" films ever made. Then the director comes forward and says that it was just a film, it was never meant to have that much meaning ha-ha! Confuse them and they'll conjure up the most elaborate artistic view that you never imagined or intended!


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## Jeko (Sep 10, 2012)

> Spawn



Arse.

Well, I haven't read any stores about someone who dies, and then becomes a superhero, and has a werewolf for a friend.

And Spawn wasn't a boy.

And who reads Spawn anymore? 

It might be good actually, the link to it. It's not done _often, _and it is a good plot direction. And Deadlock doesn't come back because he made a deal with the devil. He comes back because he's badass.

It's bascially zombies vs demons, in Deadlock's world. I can throw _everything _in there, including the kitchen sink. Any monster, any myth or legend - the scope is great.



> Donnie Darko



Never looked into that. May have to now that you've mentioned it.



> Confuse them and they'll conjure up the most elaborate artistic view that you never imagined or intended!



You know, I think there was once an art exhibit composed of a bucket and a mop.

It wasn't an exhibit. The cleaner just left his stuff there. But everyone made it an exhibit.

Art, for you.


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## Nemesis (Sep 10, 2012)

I love Spawn ^^ Donnie Darko is worht the watch, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense.

Don't even get me started on art -_- Apperently all you need to do is make a couple of really nice pieces, then start throwing out random crap like a bottle dryer turned upside and say it means something else *eyeroll*


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## Jeko (Sep 10, 2012)

^Like this:







How is this art? IT'S JUST A GUY WITH AN APPLE IN FRONT OF HIS FACE!!!!!!!!


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## Nemesis (Sep 10, 2012)

At least they actually put work into it and painted it -_-



Not art. ^


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## Jeko (Sep 11, 2012)

^That one makes me laugh every time.


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## Jeko (Sep 12, 2012)

I should make a joke about 'art' in Deadlock Carter. As long as I cna do it well...

I'm aslso taking a stab at the Catholic Church. Wish me luck!


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## FleshEater (Sep 12, 2012)

Geeze...the Catholic Church opens the gate for so many jokes, dark secrets, etc. etc. Should be entertaining and easy ha-ha!


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## Jeko (Sep 21, 2012)

^It's actually less of stab, more of a reference. I'm going to have a vampire religion called 'One Blood', where loads of vampires come to drink the blood of the same person because they believe that gives them unity. 

I'm not religiously intolerant, I'm religiously aware!


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## Bowl (Oct 10, 2012)

I really enjoyed the characters.

I liked how its more of a "middle" part of a story that just throws you in to fend for yourself to figure out what is happening, I cannot wait to read more.

the only things that really bothered me where in the first three sentences.
1) I find this sentence to be someone "weird" to read, "His breathing was heavy, and each breath only took in a little air before the snow from the blizzard found its way down his throat." 
2) Also that part is where the teeth chattered into each other is rhetorical, so just take the part "into each other out" in the following sentence and it runs better. "His face was frozen and his teeth chattered into each other, scraping away the enamel."


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## TsukiTsuki (Oct 19, 2012)

I think you did a great job of introducing Harry. I'm assuming he's going to be your protagonist? Even though he's some headless demon who murdered Kenny, I can still connect with him because he (at least) waited to kill Kenny until attacked and because he sounds like he hates his boss (a very relatable characteristic, unfortunately). You also threw in just enough mysteries to make me want to read more, but not so many that it felt like walking through fog. 
Can't wait for chapter one!


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## JLAu (Oct 19, 2012)

This story is different I can see where the Donnie Darko association comes in. The line that made me laugh was "Like a steam train on rollerblades". That just makes for an interesting visual. I didn't like the cell phone inclusion. You did come up with an interesting mix of genres and your descriptions might lend themselves well to a graphic novel format. I definitely want to see where you go from here.


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