# my battle 1,497 words



## cassie30 (Jun 2, 2013)

I was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of two. Epilepsy is a seizure disorder. I had one of two types of seizures known at the time. The first one was known as grand mal. The second one was more of a daydream state. In which I seemed able to function to some extent. (Note never put an object in the mouth of a person having a grand mal seizure because they may swallow the object. This is contrary to popular belief that the person will swallow their tongue. This is what was told to me over the years.)

Most of my seizures occurred while I was sleeping. I would fall out of bed and hit my head on my garbage can. That’s what my mom would tell me. I was usually unaware I was having a seizure till after the seizure had passed.

I saw a neurologist. He ran all kinds of test on my brain. One such test is the EEG which stands for electroencephalogram. (Note see Bibliography page). The EEG will check the electrical activity in the brain.

My neurologist also treated my seizures with different medications over the years. He ran blood tests to check that my medicine was working and that my cell counts were normal.  When I was 10 I started dance lessons at a place called Dance Dimensions. I was treated differently because of my epilepsy.

Having epilepsy changed my life in many ways.  It made my parents more protective of me. I was about seven or eight when I wished my younger brother also had epilepsy. By the time he was seven or eight he had his first seizure. I remember I said good I’m glad. Years later I regretted that. My mom was so upset that her baby epilepsy as well as her older baby. I remember one year I was visiting my grandparents in Freehold, NJ with my brother when I went into a daydream state seizure. I thought the world around me was dead and I was in heaven. The people were nurses and doctors as my grandparents had a doctor’s appointment. While in the waiting room I played with my brother’s video game. I felt I was half there in the present.

 That seizure lasted from about 9 a.m. (after breakfast) to about 1 p.m. (after lunch). When I finally came to my senses I had no idea what I said or did but my grandparents decided that it would be better to cut the visit short. So later that day or the next day they took us home. I was fourteen or fifteen at the time. 
It was scary something like that can happen and I hate that I can’t remember chunks of time because of the disease. This disease can go into remission I’ve been seizure free since I was nineteen and I am thirty-six now.  Things have changed for me. I now suffer from depression. Depression is a battle every day. Every day I fight to get out of bed.

The struggle began for me somewhere in the middle of my epilepsy drama. I think my first taste of depression was probably the same time I first experienced death. I was about five or six years old when I was visiting my grandparents in East Brunswick, NJ before they moved to Freehold, NJ when my grandpa Romeo’s Brother Uncle Joe died in his sleep.  We shared a room in my grandparents’ house during that visit. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t.  However, my emotional eating didn’t start till I was about twelve. 

But it wasn’t truly acknowledged till July 2001. In 2001 I started a new job and about seven months into it life took a downward spiral for me. I guess all the pressure of quitting one job, starting a new one, a break up and who knows what else was happening in my life at the time took its toll on me. My depression just came out full swing.

Needing help I tried to make light of the situation by joking with a co-worker by saying I needed a psychiatrist. However, the customer I was taking care of didn’t think it was funny. So he complained to the manager in charge at the time. Then the manager called me into the office the next time I worked.

“Are you okay April?” he asked

“No not really I’ve been feeling really down lately.”

“Okay. How can I help you April?”

“Well I need to talk to someone professionally; someone like a phyciatrist or therapist.”

“If I help you find someone to help you will you go?”

“Yes I will thank you.”(Note I don’t remember the exact conversation word for word but that basically what happened between me and the manager.)

Next thing I knew I saw a therapist and a phyciatrist in downtown New Brunswick, NJ. But I was fighting the therapist at first. I was resistant at first because I was confident I was physic and physically connected to a famous boy band. Especially my favorite band member who is only a year younger than me, it’s complicated to explain without using our birth years.

I was in love with his bad boy image and at one point I thought we were having out of body sex.  I was so adamant that when I went to a concert of this famous boy band the man of my dreams would notice my “Will you marry me?” poster and whisk me away.  That didn’t happen and I became even more dejected. But I began to see I was living in fantasy world.

The fantasy world for me was much better than the “real” world. But I could see I was doing more damage to myself than I realized.

At one point I was in such bad straights I was suicidal. I even threatened to kill myself. One day I grabbed a steak knife and threatened to use it on my wrist.   My mom and brother were getting upset.

Everyone was crying and screaming at the same time. I felt I had no reason to live. My job at the time was stressing me out. This job is first job I ever had. The job before the manager agreed to help with the depression. 

My depression has so many ups and downs at times it feels like I’m riding a roller coaster. The closest thing to a roller coaster I’ve been on is the log flume. To keep my depression at bay or under control I take two antidepressants. They help a lot. But things seem to have taken a turn for the worse since I had to put down my cat of 13 years. It was the saddest day of my life. Even though I have a new cat in my life nothing can replace her (my old cat) in my heart.

Sometimes I just feel like crying for no apparent reason. And sometimes I will just break down and cry. I even feel like crying right now. I am no longer suicidal but, I have other worries instead. I also suffer from migraine headaches. They can be deadly so once again I am seeing a neurologist.

She has me on a variety of medication that is supposed to prevent the migraine and for the most part they do. Recently I had a migraine for over a week. So I went to the ER. Boy did they dope me with all kinds of medicine. Migraines can make you lead a half-life or as a commercial puts it a maybe life. And that’s what I was doing living a maybe life every time I had a migraine.

I started to keep a headache diary to keep track of the migraines. But sometimes I forget to write up the headache. If you ever get a serious migraine seek help medically immediately. I say that because a serious migraine can more than mere headache. This is why I decided to see a neurologist again migraines are no joke.

These are only a few of the battles in the 36 years of my life. And I’m sure I’ll face many more battles along the way. Wish I could I was happy right now but I’m not. But I also know I will make it through this trail just like so many others before. Ever since I found Jehovah and his Witnesses I’m doing better most of the time. However, I’m only human and I still have my down days. Just like Jesus I need to say “go away Satan.” And then maybe Satan and his demons will leave me alone.

My life hasn’t been perfect I know that. I know that in due time I will be happy all the time.

Food for thought: from what I’ve learned from all this is life is journey. A journey that can be made on how you make it. But only Jehovah can truly guide you.


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## Pluralized (Jun 2, 2013)

Hi Cassie30,

If this is truly non-fiction, I must offer you my warm thoughts and condolences for what you've gone through. This has some rather excoriating components to it, particularly the death of your great uncle. I wish you and your family good things. 

The writing is improving, and much respect for finding the courage to post your work here through all stages of your learning. Keep finding reasons to fight, as that's what makes you stronger.

Regards,
Pluralized


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## cassie30 (Jun 2, 2013)

Thanks and yes this is non-fiction. I hope one day it will be my memoir.


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## PiP (Jun 3, 2013)

Hi Cassie,

I actually knew very little about epilepsy until I read this. Thank you for sharing.

Reading your thoughts on depression and suicide, and then your words... 




cassie30 said:


> These are only a few of the battles in the 36 years of my life. And I’m  sure I’ll face many more battles along the way. Wish I could I was happy  right now but I’m not. But I also know I will make it through this  trail just like so many others before. Ever since I found Jehovah and  his Witnesses I’m doing better most of the time. However, I’m only human  and I still have my down days. Just like Jesus I need to say “go away  Satan.” And then maybe Satan and his demons will leave me alone.
> 
> My life hasn’t been perfect I know that. I know that in due time I will be happy all the time.
> 
> Food for thought: from what I’ve learned from all this is life is  journey. A journey that can be made on how you make it. But only Jehovah  can truly guide you.



...makes me realise how important it is to have an _anchor_ in our lives. Something to believe in and to hold on to through difficult times.

I look forward to reading more of your work in the furture.

Pip


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## A Scott (Jun 5, 2013)

Hi Cassie.  I enjoyed reading this and could relate to the challenges you face.  Although I have not suffered from a disease (unless you would label ADHD a disease), my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes a little over two years ago and her health challenges have changed the way I view life.  She wasn't the easiest kid to raise before her diagnosis, and I truly thought the changes that were required as a result of her diagnosis would put her over the edge.  She dug deep, though, and has learned to deal with it a lot better than I ever thought she would.  

The other point I wanted to make is that life is truly a journey and if anyone tells you that they are happy all of the time, they are lying.  We all experience our peaks and valleys.  The best we can do is remain hopeful and surround ourselves with people that love us.  The world is not a nice place but it has some awesome pockets all over the place.  Keep writing.  You write with a beautiful style.  

Scott


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## cassie30 (Jul 16, 2013)

My instructor loved it and suggested a few minor changes and then suggested I submit it to the magazine I have in mind.


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## PiP (Jul 17, 2013)

Fingers crossed  Please let us know if you are successful.

PiP


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## cassie30 (Jul 17, 2013)

I will but I have to wait the magazine I have mind doesn't take submissions till mid August.


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## ClosetWriter (Jul 18, 2013)

Cassie,

I understand, completely, your need to write about the trials of your life. I think it is important for people, such as you and I, to share our stories. Not only does it help others understand things that are important in life, it helps us let out the things that trouble us.

Dave


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## cassie30 (Jul 18, 2013)

Thanks


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## take the cannoli (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi Cassie,

Thanks for sharing your story.      I really liked this passage:

_My depression has so many ups and downs at times it feels like I’m  riding a roller coaster. The closest thing to a roller coaster I’ve been  on is the log flume._

I suppose there's no need to ride a roller coaster, when you already experience so many ups and downs in your daily life, right?      

I like your fighting spirit.   Your story reminded me of the Japanese saying,

_*Nana korobi ya oki*

_Translation: Fall down seven times, stand up eight

Hang in there!

James


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## cassie30 (Aug 15, 2013)

Well it goes in the mail tomorrow with the changes I've made.


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## cassie30 (Aug 19, 2013)

It's on it's way today. I had the wrong zip code.


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## Callie-J (Aug 19, 2013)

Hey Cassie, I can't pretend to know how hard it is for you but my sister in law suffers from Grand Mal seizures and it can be very frightening. I suffer from migraines and I have had a couple called hemiplegic migraines which paralyse you as well as cause pain. The first one I ever got was at work and I got a similar reaction. "Why are you p****ng about, what's wrong with you, stop being such a baby it's just a headache. I lost both the feeling on one side and the sight in one eye and it took about a week to right itself. I've been told that the only thing I can do  is avoid stress!! How do you do that nowadays unless you're stinking rich. My best advice hunny is hang in there with the migraines, avoid codeine at all costs x


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## cassie30 (Aug 20, 2013)

Yeah it can be hard. Especially when you wake up with headache cause you fallen out of bed cause the the seizure. Sometimes I wonder if my migraines today are related to my childhood seizures.


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## cassie30 (Oct 7, 2013)

It was rejected by Confrontation. Which is the magazine I submitted to. I just submitted again to another magazine. Here's praying.


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