# Dark-5609 words



## ickmonster73 (Mar 11, 2015)

Help! I'm looking for some critique and some ideas on how to continue this. I honestly have no idea what the problem is going to be and would like some input. Thank you so much for reading and enjoy! 
*Dark* 
​
  It was dark. Trying to find my way through all of the trees and suffocating darkness was nearly impossible, but I had to keep running, had to get away. I heard their voices behind me. Were they getting closer? I couldn’t tell, my heart was pounding too heavily in my ears. I needed to stop, but had to keep going. I turned while running, catching a glimpse of my pursuers’ moonlit faces. I hit the ground. What happened? I raised my hand to my head and wasn’t surprised when it came back bloody. I had to start running, but I just couldn’t remember why. What was I running from? I heard cackling and scrambled around the nearest tree. I sat and waited; the agonizing seconds passing, one by one. The frozen forest spun around me. Their footsteps were getting closer, it was simply too late to run. A branch snapped behind me, I refused to look. The sound stopped. Everything stopped. Minutes passed by as I tried to hold my breath. Nothing. I exhaled, watching my breath freeze in front of my face. I had never heard silence so terrifying. I turned slowly, my heart trying to pummel its way out of my chest. There was nothing there. I sighed in relief and turned to look to my left. He was less than a foot away from me. His hand sharply struck me on my neck, where it latched on and tightened. 


I screamed and sat up. Why do I keep doing this? I looked around my room, my bed sheets pulled onto the floor, the empty pillow beside me, the bright morning sun shining through the window. Cassie must already be up, I thought. It’s a good thing; too, she gets pretty pissed when I wake her up early. I swung my legs out of bed and tried to stand. They were still shaking. I collected myself and then went to take a shower. So, here are the facts: My name is Jeremiah. I am 26 years old, I live in Brookside, Colorado and my life is going nowhere slowly. I am married with no kids (Thank God), and my wife hates me. No, I told myself, she doesn’t hate me, we’re just in a little rough patch. Right. I washed my face, put my clothes on and went downstairs.

“Good morning” Cassie said in between bites of her cereal. “How did you sleep?” I grunted. “More nightmares.” 
“I’d figured, I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t called, wondering what the screaming was about.” 
“Yeah, thanks.” 
“Aww, come on, I’m joking.” 
“Well I don’t think this is normal.” 
“Everybody has nightmares.” 
“Yeah, but when they’re recurring, it usually means something.” 
“Like what?” “Like insecurities and stuff like that. Like your life is falling apart.” 
“How poetic.” I felt myself tense up. I calmed myself down, I didn’t need another argument. I turned and poured myself a cup of coffee. I felt the conversation drop. I heard her sigh and walk up behind me. She put her arms around me, her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. Is something wrong?” “No.”, I lied. “It’s just that I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over.” “We all are, Jerr.”, she said with a sympathetic smile. I grabbed hold of her hands and we stood there. “I need to go to work.” she said. “Okay.” Her arms receded from me. I wish they could’ve stayed there. “I love you”, I called after her, and it was true, I really did. “I love you too” “Bye” She closed the door and left. I stood at the sink and thought. I wonder if that’s the last time I’ll see her. I shook my head violently, expelling the thought from my mind. I can’t keep thinking like that or I’ll never make it through the day. I sighed, got on the computer, and went to work. I was an animator for numerous companies. You know those little animated creatures on those commercials during which you would usually leave to get a drink or mute the TV? That’s my doing. Exciting work.

It was a long day. That was an understatement, the day took forever. My eyes were bloodshot from the bad night of sleep combined with using the computer all day. I checked the clock. 6:30. Cassie must be working late today, her shift should’ve been over by now. I hoped nobody else was there. Man, I thought I was done with worrying about this when we got married. I sighed and turned the TV on. I drifted off to sleep. I woke up and looked out the window. It was pitch black outside. The clock read 9:37. Was Cassie home yet? The thoughts that ran through my head were too terrible to imagine. I searched the house, looking for evidence that she was home. I jogged lightly up the stairs and looked in my bed. I let out a breath of relief. There she was, laying there, asleep. She looked like she’d had a long day. Her hair was partially covering her face, it moved ever so slightly as she breathed. I lay beside her and put my arms around her. She sighed and moved closer to me. I fell asleep with a smile.

The next morning was cold, even for November. I rolled over, the other side of the bed was empty and cold. How late was it? Cassie’s alarm was going off. I reached for it and turned it off. I ran downstairs, looking for a note, or anything, really. I found it on the fridge.
_Jerr,_
_There was an Emergency at work. I don’t really know what’s happening, but it’s big. I’ll call you and let you know when I’m coming home. If you need anything, just call. See you tonight._
_Love,Cassie_​I stared in confusion. An emergency at work? As a full-time nurse, this had to be exceptional, emergencies are basically their job. There are people on shift in the middle of the night. Why would they need any more? I flipped on the TV and expected to see some gray-haired news reporter sharing the news of some sort of catastrophe, or maybe a commercial about a cartoon dog and his ever-increasing debt that he could immediately solve by calling such-and-such 1-800 number; but no. There was nothing. The TV set was working, but all I was getting was static. It was the least of my problems at that moment, but it was still odd, it had been working fine yesterday. I shrugged and picked up the house phone to ask Cassie what was happening. I punched in the numbers, but nothing happened. No dial tone, none of the: “The number you are trying to reach” bullcrap. I distinctly remembered paying the bill, what happened? Maybe some lines were down, or up for repairs, or something. I pulled my cell-phone out of my pocket, no signal. A chill crawled up my spine. Something was up. I moved cautiously over to the computer. I had no idea what to think. I had no Internet. I went through all the troubleshooting, not to fix the problem, but to see what was missing. The connection was broken between my router and the World Wide Web. This is the first time something like this has happened to me. 

I had to do something to clear my mind. I had electricity, but no way to communicate or find anything out? This was just odd, I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but it seemed to me like somebody doesn’t want people to know something. Was this just local? Was something going on here? I looked out the window. Everything seemed calm, children were playing in Lincoln Park, same as always. Thoughts were banging around in my head like a fireworks show turned on its side. What could possibly be so important that somebody would go to such an extent to hide it? Could it be dangerous? An extensive list of situations ran through my head. Then it hit me. Cassie’s “emergency” at work. This couldn’t be a coincidence. Oh my God, I had to find her. I threw my jacket on, grabbed my keys, and bolted out of the house.

I ran to the car and cranked the ignition. I tried to get a hold on myself. I tried not to think about what could have happened in the ten or so hours she’s been gone. I looked at the clock in my car. 7:26, 11.03.15. 14°. I blew on my hands, it was far too cold for November. I pulled out of the driveway and began to make my way to Colorado Springs. I was shaking again, but not from the cold.

Apparently a lot of other people realized the same thing I had, I have never been tailgated so much. Cars filled the road and speed limits didn’t matter, people passed me like I was standing still until I conformed. There was a heck of alot of traffic in the opposite direction as well. Traffic became thick, cars began to stop as we entered Colorado Springs. A police roadblock stood between us and the city, a serious roadblock, police cars and cement barriers stopped us from getting any closer. Cars were turning back home, nowhere else to go. I pulled beside one of the police cars to ask why the road was closed.  He came up to my window. “Turn around, road’s closed.” he said in a gruff voice. This guy looked like he should probably take it easy on the donuts for a while. “What happened?” I asked in my ‘decent citizen’ voice. “There’s a pile-up ahead” “Couldn’t you direct traffic around it?” He leaned further into the car. “Listen, I don’t need some know-it-all kid telling me how to do my job. You don’t have a choice, so turn your car around and go home.” He didn’t need to tell me a second time. With a meek “Thanks” I got out of there as quickly as possible, but not before I caught a glimpse of what was beyond the roadblock. Another roadblock, an armored vehicle, and armed troops instead of the mall cops I ran into. I was beginning to have suspicions about there being an accident at all. I turned around, my resolve hardened to find out what was going on.

I was scared. There had to be another way into town. I got out my cellphone and opened Google maps. Error: connection failed. I should have figured, everything else was down, why would I be able to use a GPS? Everything I have to communicate or get information that isn’t in a book is completely useless. I tossed my phone in the backseat. I pulled alongside the road, opened my trunk and pulled out my 2007 Road Atlas. I flipped to Colorado. It doesn’t look all too difficult. If I go back I can go through Pueblo and take the interstate. What if Pueblo’s blocked as well? I guess I’ll find out when I get there. I got back in the car and headed towards Pueblo. 

Traffic was still incredibly heavy as I made my way to the city, it looked like Pueblo was still unobstructed. I went through the city and tried to see if I could get to Colorado Springs that way. I found my way to the interstate. It was blocked. Same thing with every other on-ramp I tried to reach the interstate with, too. I tried backroads, no luck. I could not go north unless it was by plane or on foot, and I’m pretty sure that if cars weren’t allowed through, planes would be re-routed. I sat at the gas station, fueling up my car, trying to think of what I could do next. There was an attendant at the pumps beside me talking to his manager. I didn’t think too much of it at first. “What do you mean, the fuel truck never came?” The exasperated manager shouted. The attendant shrugged. “Supposed to come at around 4:30 this morning, never came. I tried callin’ ‘em but the stupid phones aren’t working either.” “Did you try using the phone inside? You know we get crappy cell service around here.” The attendant rolled his eyes. I didn’t think it was a good idea to act like that to his boss, but I decided to stay out of it. “‘Course I did. From what I hear, the interstates are all closed up north. Nobody’s been able to get around ‘em. Haven’t heard from anyone in Colorado Springs either.” The manager swore and shook his head. “We’re already running low on fuel. How’re we gonna sell if we have none?” The attendant shrugged again and went inside. That’s interesting, nothing’s coming in or out of Colorado Springs. Sounds like a containment area to me. What are they trying to hide? 

I headed home, there was nowhere else to go. I walked unsteadily inside, my legs carrying me into my house. I lay my keys on the counter with shaking hands. Maybe I could wait it out, everything has an end, right? I’m sure it’ll be fine tonight. Cassie will be home, tell me that she couldn’t get out of work. She’d be home soon. Yeah. All I’ve got to do is wait... But what if she doesn’t? What will I do? I willed myself away from that thought.  I checked the phone, it was still dead. Well great, what should I do until something (or nothing) happens? I prepared a backpack. I figured that if I couldn’t get past those roadblocks in a car, then I’ll get by them on foot. If she doesn’t come back, I will find her. I just packed the essentials, I had packaged food, bottled water, a tent, and an extra pair of clothes, just in case. The day dragged on; yesterday was nothing compared to this.

I don’t know what to do. Cassie didn’t come home last night. What little sleep I got was riddled with nightmares of people chasing me, hunting me down.  I hope Cassie isn’t dealing with anything like that. I keep on trying to tell myself that nothing happened, that it’s just a fluke, and even though strange things just keep happening, I don’t want to believe it. I just want to get up and find that everything’s back to normal. Cassie’s home, the roads are open, and that gas station’s manager got his shipments on time.  The fat policeman stopped through Dunkin Donut’s drive-through like he did every morning, simply because he didn’t want to get out of his car... You know what? I don’t even need all that, I just want her home with me. I’m going to find her. I got out of bed and into the shower, who knows when I’ll get another one. Knots were making my stomach cramp, my nerves had me torn to shreds mentally, I needed to get myself together, and soon. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror. There were bags under my bloodshot eyes. I looked like crap. I washed my face. That’s a little better. I walked into my room and grabbed my bag. I was about to walk out the door when I remembered the roadblocks. There were armed guards. I stopped and reached under my bed to grab the only gun in the house, a 9mm pistol. I pulled it and the extra magazines out of the unopened box. Luckily I’ve never had to use it before, or I’d be dead by the time i got it out of the box. I put one of the magazines into the gun; backwards. I took it back out and put it in the right way. Man, I hope I never have to use it. I stuffed the loaded weapon into the back of my pants, stood up, grabbed my bag, and walked out the door. I’m going to find her. 

Getting past the roadblock was relatively easy, the police were tied up with all of the traffic. I stopped when I was able to see the roadblock in the distance. I pulled off of the road into what little trees there were. I opened the door and stepped out. This place was a desert, as was most of the area. The weather was frigid outside, it looked like it had recently snowed. There was about two inches of snow on the ground. I looked back at the roadblock. There wasn’t much movement, besides what was now routine traffic pressing against the barrier. People were still trying to get into Colorado Springs. I was still trying to cling to the feeling that maybe, just maybe, there were a lot of accidents today that just happened to close off all access to the city. It’ll be cleaned up tomorrow, for sure. There was no use trying to talk myself out of it anymore, I was going and that was final. I opened the trunk and pulled out the pack I had prepared. I took a deep breath and started walking.

The walking wasn’t too difficult in itself, I was in pretty good shape. It’s the chill that got to me, and I know it wasn’t just the cold. What would I find when I got there? Would the city be in ruin? I doubted it. I mean, I like to think out of the box and all, but that was too far-fetched even for me. Whenever I thought about it, though, there really isn’t much else that the government would go this far to hide. And that’s what scared me. For once I had no rational explanation for what was going on. The wind was rough and strewn with ice, cutting into my cheeks as I walked up the mountainside. It’s about 15-20 miles till I hit Colorado Springs. I’ll be spending a couple nights in the mountains. I don’t know if my tent will be enough, the way this weather is acting. I’ve only walked for 3 hours, maybe 6 miles. I put my hand up to my face, it came back bloody. I had to stop. I tried to set up my tent, but the wind kept blowing it away, back into my face. I yelled in frustration. This was stupid, why was I even out here? Then I remembered. Cassie. I needed to find her. I took a deep breath and tried again.

I ripped the tent trying to put it up, so there’s this annoying flap that just keeps slapping the side of the tent and letting cold air and snow in. I got everything inside, though. I was placed in between two trees, so I was protected by at least some of the wind. I was beat, but don’t know how I was going to sleep. The wind made terrific noise as it whisked through the mountains. My eyelids drooped. Maybe falling asleep would be easier than I thought. I thought of my last night with Cassie, warm, in bed. I smiled and closed my eyes. Above the shout of the storm I heard what sounded like limbs breaking in the forest. I wasn’t too worried, even though I’m sure my tent wouldn’t offer much resistance to a falling tree limb. I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

Somehow, I knew it wasn’t going to get any easier, but I had hoped. Unfortunately, all hopes that it would were shattered that morning. I awoke to people speaking. It was close, but I couldn’t make out any words. I was scared straight. There should not be many people in these woods, and if they were as desperate as I was, they were dangerous. Scenarios ran through my mind:
*Scenario 1:* Probably the dumbest thought I’ve ever had. Run out with my gun (with which I had never shot) pointed and demand to know who they were and what they were doing here.
*Scenario 2: *Slightly smarter, although I would ultimately appear weak. Come out with my hands visibly placed and ask what going on in a way that wouldn’t startle them.
*Scenario 3: *Although I won’t learn anything about what’s going on, I could just stay in my tent and wait until they leave.
The voices were moving closer to my tent. I had to make up my mind or it would be: *Scenario 4*: get mugged and then shot. My heart-rate was climbing at an alarming pace; they’d probably hear me before they saw me. I had to think quickly, they were close enough that I may have been able to make out what they were saying if my heart weren’t pounding in my ears. I scrambled out of my tent and stood.

Four people stood in front of me, staring at me. I made a quick profile of them: The first was an older man, I’d say mid-50s. He had a serious face. He had a full head of hair, It was brown, but turning gray. There was a full moustache on his upper lip. In his right hand he held a machete that looked like it came straight from a slaughterhouse (or what I was hoping at that point). His arm was extended out and back, protecting the next person I noticed: A young girl was cowering behind him. She looked to be 10 or 11. I wondered if she was his daughter, but she didn’t share many of his features. Her eyes were dark, as was her hair. She was obviously terrified, as were the rest of these people. What happened to them? The next two individuals had to be brothers, their likeness was so great. Both were tall and most likely around my age, if not a few years younger. They were definitely alert, one more so than the other. One of them held an axe, hitched back and ready to swing. The other brother stood more calmly. His hand was in his pocket, most likely holding a pistol. They both bore resemblance to the girl, both had pitch black hair and although prepared and ready, were mortified to see what was coming out of the tent. Me.

I held my hands up and took an involuntary step back. “I’m no danger to you! Please, I’m just trying to find my wife!” I shouted. I sounded so ridiculously weak, but I really didn’t know what to do. The group of people relaxed, but not completely. “Who are you and where are you headed?” The older man asked. He had a rough voice, he sounded like someone who had smoked for a while. I could tell that they didn’t really trust me yet. I kept my hands raised and played the sympathy card. “The hospital. That’s where she works. She was supposed to come home two days ago. I haven’t seen her since.” The calmer of the brothers walked over to the man and whispered something in his ear. The man nodded. “Have you seen anyone else on your way here?” the calm brother asked. “No. I haven’t seen anybody. How could I with that storm yesterday?” I said in a shaky voice. “Good point.” The older man said. “My name’s Jeff.” He gestured to the calm brother. “That’s Nathan.” And to the other brother (Who was still holding the axe I might add) “That’s Nathan’s brother, Alex. He doesn’t trust people easily.” Alex shot a glance at Jeff and said with a sneer “It’s better than trusting people too easily. He could be part of whatever’s going on.” Jeff looked up at me and said “You haven’t been in the city yet, have you?” “No, what’s happening in the city?” Jeff looked down and then over at Alex. Alex spoke up. “We don’t know, but something’s definitely up. They don’t just send in armed troops for no reason.” I looked at him and gave an exasperated sigh. “So nobody knows anything? I need to know what happened to my wife.” Nathan, who had been quiet until now finally spoke. “The girl made it out, though.” She was still behind Jeff, hiding. Jeff told me “Her name is Eva.” 

Well, needless to say, I am terrified. Not necessarily too concerned for myself, but for Cassie. Hopefully this girl has something to say, because, if not, I will go crazy. It’s funny, the first thing I thought when he asked me if I had seen anyone was if the zombie apocalypse was happening. Hah, ridiculous. Maybe I crushed his hopes when I said I hadn’t seen anyone. I hope not. Where could they have gone? Why were there armed guards outside a civilian city? In the middle of the United States, no less. Why did Cassie have to get called in? She could’ve said goodbye, but I guess she couldn’t have known. I never liked her job anyway.  Cassie was definitely right about one thing, though. This is big. 

I guess they decided to trust me. Jeff seems like a pretty big family guy. Maybe I was playing with his heart strings by telling him my wife was missing. I don’t care. Even though I don’t really know these people and can’t really trust them too much either, it’s better than wandering through these woods by myself. Alex is still wary of me and I really can’t blame him. As a matter of fact, I’m kinda wary of him. It’s not often I get threatened by an ax, or at all for that matter. I don’t know what to make of Nathan; shy or brooding? I don’t get much from Eva either. It’s like she’s attached to Jeff or something, but she hasn’t said a word since I’ve been with this group. So either she’s got an embarrassing speech impediment, she’s incredibly shy, or she was really messed up while getting out of the city. I don’t know if it was what she saw or an accident that happened on her way out, but she just seems really out of it to me. Oh, geez, I hope she has a speech impediment. ...That came out wrong, but if what she saw is messing her up this bad, then I’d prefer any other option. 

It soon became evident to me that these people came from the mountains, because they had a fire blazing in minutes. Plus, you know, the ax. I got some of the food out of my backpack, I was starving. We all sat around the fire, but it was just awkward silence, eyes on me. “I’ve got questions heading my way.” I thought to myself as I ate my canned peaches. And sure enough, they came. “So where are you from?” asked Jeff. I swallowed the last of my food and said: “I’m from Brookside.” He nodded and then said “And you’re out here looking for your wife right? What was her name again?” “I nodded and said “Her name’s Cassie, she’s a nurse at the Memorial Health Systems in Colorado Springs. She never came home yesterday and left a note saying something big was happening at the hospital.” Alex looked stunned, turned to Jeff and said “Isn’t that where Sadie works?” Jeff ran a hand down his face and nodded. And then it hit me. Why else would they be heading to the city? Of course. They’re looking for somebody just like me. I’m so blind sometimes, I swear. “That’s where you’re heading too, isn’t it? You’re gonna try to find her in that hospital, just like I am.” I felt so relieved. I mean, I never thought they were gonna kill me or anything crazy like that, but now that we’re both gonna be searching in the same place it just makes everything fit so much better. “I think we can help each other here.” I said, Just throwing something out there. Nathan leaned forward and asked me “Do you know your way around the city? Because judging by how you put your tent up, you’re definitely gonna need our help.” Crap. He was right. I’d never make it on my own, the tent was a mess now. I should be begging for their help. But I do make it into the city a lot more than they do, I’m sure, so yes, I can help them there. “I do. I make the trip twice a week at least to the hospital. I can get you there, no problem.” Sure, I talked myself up a bit, but I need their help in the worst way. He sat back again. Alex shook his head and walked over to where our gear was piled up. Nathan got up too, following Alex into the woods. Man, what an attitude that guy has. Jeff looked over at me and told me “We’ll get you to the city safely. And don’t worry about him, Nathan’ll calm him down. But we’re trusting you, once we get to Colorado Springs, to get us to that hospital.” I nodded in agreement. I finished a bottle of water and then Alex and Nathan came back, not smiling, but not particularly angry either. 

So, as I lay in my itchy, thin, sleeping bag, I thought to myself “Today really could’ve gone a lot worse for me.” Granted, It’d be fantastic if Cassie were here, but all things considered, I could be in a very bad place right now. After we finished talking we walked a mile or two until Eva got tired, signaling this by tugging on Jeff’s sleeve and leaning against a tree. So we got settled and they set up a giant tent. with nothing else to do but rest, I figured I best take a nap, or at least think, because I’m sure sleep won’t come easily to me. I wanted to think about what tomorrow would bring, but my mind kept wandering toward Cassie. What was she doing? Was she okay? How am I going to find her if they evacuated the hospital? Is she thinking of me too? I thought back to our last vacation. So perfect. The waves crashing against the beach, again and again. Putting me to sleep, until she prods me awake. Perfect blue skies, beautiful wife, and the ocean. Nothing better. I smile and keep daydreaming. I took her shopping while we were there. Yeah. Not to buy anything, but I bought her a dress anyway, just because. She was so happy, giggling and smiling every time she came out of the changing room with some outlandish, fancy, or skimpy outfit on. Why can’t life be just like that day? Just every day. Happy and without worry. My eyes closed. 
I woke up to shouting. It was mine. The same freaking nightmare as always, but a bit different. They were after her, Cassie. They grabbed her. I shook my head to rid myself of the dream's residue emotion. I was sitting up. I looked around. I saw the sunlight coming through the thin, blue fabric of the tent. I sighed, stood up, and went outside. I stepped outside to a warm bonfire. And not so warm faces. Jeff was standing with a pistol I hadn't noticed before aimed at the tent. At me. "Is there anybody else in there? Are you alright?" I put my hands up. Even though he had asked about my welfare, I didn't like having that gun aimed anywhere near me. "Woah! It's me! It's just me!" Jeff's shoulders relaxed and he dropped his aim to the ground. "We heard shouting." "Recurring nightmares", I said with a nervous laugh, "They're a curse". Jeff holstered the gun and swore. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and spun. Alex stood there, ax over his shoulder, satisfied smirk on his face. "Almost had your head there" he said and chuckled disturbingly, as if what he said were actually funny. It wasn't, but I was so relieved, I let out a few nervous chuckles myself. I turned my attention back to the fire. "So what's the plan for today?" I asked after everything calmed down a bit. Jeff shrugged and said, "I guess just make the best time we can today." "And not get ourselves shot by the personal army around the city." Interjected Alex. Nathan nodded in agreement. There was a short silence. We all knew what had to be done, but nobody wanted to take initiative. I stood up. "We should get started then." And I went back into the tent and gathered my things. 
These people did NOT look like hikers when I first met them. Especially Jeff. But man, were we on our way. Thank god it wasn't dead summer, or I would be dead. That's just it. I'd be dead. I was sweating in 20 degree weather! I may not be much of a survivalist, but I know what sweat does to your body below freezing. And I didn't feel like being hypothermic today. So whenever they got tired and took a break, I almost collapsed in relief. Or so I thought. We were crowning a hill and Alex, who had been scouting ahead, told us to stop. Something was a little off though. Almost as if he didn't want someone- My eyes grew wide as I realized what was happening. There's somebody over the hill. Was it the army? Another group of strangers? A loner, like me? "There's an army hummer ahead of us, looks like they're stationed here." Alex said. Jeff sighed. "Recognize anybody?" Alex shook his head. "Then we've got to find a way around."


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## NathanBrazil (Mar 20, 2015)

This is actually pretty decent work.  I'm surprised no-one has critted it yet.  I'll try and get something done later today.
A tough not to crack in one sitting - over 5600 words.   Though, I'm planning to post something about half the size, so maybe I shouldn't talk.


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## Pea (Mar 20, 2015)

I wasn't sure about the first sentence, I might consider cutting that as it adds nothing to the story and was quite off-putting to begin with. But I kept going and your hook was actually really good. Captivating in the sense that I kept reading, wanting to know what pursued your character. The pacing was brilliant, with your short, sharp sentences working especially well to set the mood. Some of your description was great as well, I especially liked: 'I had never heard silence so terrifying.' 

I was so disappointed to find out that it was all just a dream at the start of the second paragraph. It's one of my least favourite tropes. I will keep reading though (5600 words is a lot to get through) in the hopes that it resurfaces as an actual part of your plotline, that and because your writing is good!


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## NathanBrazil (Mar 20, 2015)

I agree with Pea.  The writing is good and I was also disappointed when I found out it was just a dream.   The first couple paragraphs worked well for me.  The hook is good and the dialogue between Cassie and the MC worked for me.  But the rest of the store felt a bit weaker.  I think the biggest problem for me is that I wanted more of the mystery revealed after 5600 words.  I don't have a good sense of what genre this is yet.  I believe that too much time is spent in the MC's head and not enough is spent towards moving the story forward.

 In the 2nd paragraph, the dialog is broken up and easy to follow.  There are no tags but it is pretty clear who is talking.  I'd really like to see that dialog cleaned up through the remainder of the piece.  

I highlighted lines as I went through just to help me focus on specific areas, though a few might feel nit-picky.



> I felt the conversation drop. I heard her sigh and walk up behind me.


I don't think the passive voice works here.  _She sighed and walked up behind me. 

_


> The thoughts that ran through my head were too terrible to imagine.


I want to hear these thoughts.



> This was just odd, I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but it seemed to me like somebody doesn’t want people to know something.


It feels a bit quick to jump to this conclusion.  I might think about a prowler cutting my phone lines, before I jumped to that conclusion.



> “Listen, I don’t need some know-it-all kid telling me how to do my job..."


The tone feels a bit off for a police officer.



> I was scared.


There are a few places like this in the piece where the MC talks about being scared or terrified.  I think I would rather hear about the heart pounding in the MCs ears.



> The other brother stood more calmly.


I think it is too early to call them brothers.  It becomes clear later but not at this point.




> Alex stood there, ax over his shoulder, satisfied smirk on his face. "Almost had your head there" he said and chuckled disturbingly.


I liked this bit.  


The writing is clean and clear but I just needed a bit more story.  Can you talk about where the story is headed?  I would really like to know.   

Thanks for sharing.


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## ickmonster73 (Mar 20, 2015)

First of all, Thank you guys so much for helping me out with this. It's the first real writing attempt I've made so I'll make sure to see how I can revise it to make it more realistic to the reader. As for the dream in the intro, yes, I was doing some foreshadowing there (at least I think so) and I'll make sure to return to that sinister kind of feeling. I really appreciate the criticism on my conversations, because I was a little leery on my wording. Now, as far as to where the story is headed is where I really feel I need the help, because I really am not sure. I'd like to go toward a darker sci-fi feel with what happens but as far as I know for now, the people in the city are either afflicted in some way or missing completely. Basically there's a reason there's an army surrounding it, but I'm not sure what it is. Which is why you haven't gotten much story thus far. So please feel free to leave any and all suggestions because I've been stuck for quite a while. Thanks again for reading.


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## NathanBrazil (Mar 20, 2015)

_His hand sharply struck me on my neck, where it latched on and tightened. _

If I had to make a suggestion, I would run with this line.  It's yours - flesh that bit out.  Not necessarily focus on fitting it into the story just yet.  See where it takes you.
Honestly I was imagining some kind of claw or hook attached to the hand.


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## ickmonster73 (Mar 21, 2015)

That does actually give me a few ideas, actually. Thank you. It should help me progress nicely with the story. I'll post smaller excerpts from now on. This one was only so large because I started it before I joined this forum site in the first place. If you'd like to see the changes I've made or progress before I make my next thread, I'm writing it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NmliREiTYAXWijYeaxGjBXfR9icKoXDu73Uue4Ub9ig/edit?usp=sharing I've made it so anyone can post comments or criticisms to the story there as well. Thank you so much though, really.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 27, 2015)

'A spare pair of clothes' ?


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## ickmonster73 (Mar 29, 2015)

As in, you know, extra?


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 29, 2015)

It's the 'pair'; you get spare clothes, a spare set of clothing, or a spare pair of trousers, socks or pants. Sure, I figured what you meant, but that's not the point, I shouldn't have to figure, you should tell me without ambiguity. You are a writer, a creative person, but remember a lot of readers are near morons


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