# Insight



## K. Altan (Jun 27, 2012)

I know I probably should be working on that other story I'm writing, _Spaceling_, but when this popped onto my head, I couldn't help myself.  I think I like it better than my other story, and I had a lot more fun writing it.  I know it could definitely go for some corrections, so here is the first chapter.
*Insight*
Chapter 1
I could hear a voice, soft, with an urgent tone.  “You and Brayden are the last hope.  I just want you to know that I believe in you.”  ​ 
I was puzzled.  “What do you mean?  Why do you believe in me?  Who’s Brayden?” 

A giggle echoed through my head.  “I almost forgot you can’t remember anything.  It will all be clear to you soon.  I’m Jasmine, a close friend of yours.”  The face of a teenage girl configured in front of me.  Her dark, curly hair contrasted with her ivory skin and misty grey eyes.  The second I saw her, I believed every word of what this girl was telling me.  She seemed so familiar, but this also brought to my attention that I could not remember anything. Panic swelled in my throat.

“Who am I?”  I demanded.  I could tell that patience was not something that came easily to me.  _Why can’t this girl  just answer all my questions and be done with it?_

“There isn’t time to explain.  You’re about to wake up.”  _I’m sleeping right now?  _

“Wait, how did you get into my dream?” I interrupted.

“Hold on, I know you want to know what’s going on, but there’s something important I have to tell you,” she said.

“Just say it then.”

“I’ve been trying to say it, but, being you, you won’t let me get out with it.” She seemed a little irritated.  I was surprised.  Even though I couldn’t remember anything, I knew that it was not often that Jasmine was annoyed.  

Her image flickered.  “Oh no,” she whispered to herself.  “Listen to me, when you wake up, you have to run.  Don’t hesitate, just run!”  She was serious.  I did not quite comprehend what she had said.  I still could not get over the disturbed look on her face.

She dissolved, however I could hear a faint, echoing voice yell, “Good luck M-”



I jolted up.  I felt a pit in my stomach.  The panic from my dream had grown after I had woken up.  I found myself sitting on the floor of a long, narrow hallway.  It seemed almost like a school hallway.  Tiled floors, dim, fluorescent lights, and ceiling panels.  All that were missing were the doors and windows.  Something about this place was not right.  I could feel my heart thumping.  I felt like I was being watched.  “_Don’t hesitate, just run.”  _I did not need Jasmine’s advice.  My instinct forced me to my feet at a full on sprint.  As I raced through the endless halls, rounding corner after corner, my head was reeling.  _Which way do I go?  Is that a dead end?  Where am I?_  There was something important about what was going on, but I just could not remember what...

I saw a window up ahead.  Bright light shone through it.  I felt a warmness grow in me as I ran to it.  I did not know how long I had been running through the halls.  The change of scenery must have brought up a hope in me that there was a way out of this place.  I tried to pry it open.  It wouldn’t budge.  A cry of anguish escaped my mouth as I pulled and pulled.  _Why is it so important for me to get out of here?_  I started to smash my body against the glass, taking running starts.  Whatever it took, I had to get out.  _Why was I so desperate?  _The glass cracked, and just as I finally broke through, the bright light shining through the window vanished.  More and more grey halls expanded beyond the window.  _What is this?  How is that even possible?_

I kept running.  _What was I running from?_  I could feel myself panic and pant, _but why?_ _What is this all about?_  I kept running for what seemed to me like another hour.  I wasn’t really sure.  Something in my brain was begging and begging to let me out of here.  _Begging to whom?_

After a while I saw a doorway up ahead, and through it, I saw another person.  “Hey!,” I screamed and waved my arms at the person.  It did not look like the other person was going to stop.  As I got closer, I noticed it was a girl.  She seemed to be running straight at me.  _How could she not see me?_  I came to a skidding stop and landed just in front of her.  I looked upon a girl of about thirteen.  She had wavy copper hair just brushing past her shoulders, and crazy green eyes.  She wore ripped jeans covered in all sorts of stains and a white v-neck.  There was panic written all over her face.That girl was me.  I was looking into nothing but a mirror.  _Why in the world would anybody put a mirror here? _ Looking around, I found myself at a dead end.  The hallway ended right there.  I heard a click, and the mirror swung open, revealing yet another hallway.  I ran into it, feeling like I had lost time and space between whatever it was I was running from.  The second I stepped foot into the hall, the mirror slammed shut behind me.  The hall fell into darkness.  The crude light in the other halls was definitely not working in here.  I heard the faintest scrape against the wall, and started again at my frantic run.  This time, there was nothing to light my way.

_Smash_, my face slammed into a wall.  My hands shook as I felt around for another doorway. _Did the wall behind me close up?_  I felt like I was trapped in a box with no way out.  I screamed and scratched at the walls.

“Please! Please, let me out of here!” I kept screaming on and on.  _Why was I so scared?_  I didn’t know how long I kept this up.  My voice went hoarse.  Fatigue pulled at my aching body.  I couldn’t stop now.  I had to get out, or this would be my final resting place.  _Wait, am I going to die?_  Eventually, I even got to trying to climb the walls.  _Trapped, trapped, I can’t be trapped._  I could not keep this up much longer.  A sob came out of me.  _This can’t be the end.  There has to be a way out._  I couldn't help it, I sobbed and sobbed as I clawed at the walls.  I sunk to my knees with a sense of hopelessness.  I continued to sob as my arms started to lose feeling from all the banging and clawing.

The wall flew away from me and I landed with a thud, squinting at somebody’s feet.  _This is definitely not a mirror.  _The person bent down and helped me up to my feet.  We stared at each other for what seemed like forever.  Before me stood a boy in his mid teens.  He had sandy hair that stuck up like straw, and pale blue eyes.  He was tall, but his limbs were long and lanky.  Something about him seemed familiar... almost the same sort of familiarity I felt with Jasmine.  Maybe it was his clothes.  He was dressed in a white shirt and ripped jeans just like mine.  Everything about him seemed hesitant.

“Do I know you?” he finally asked.  _His voice, I know that voice.  _The hesitancy made it through to his voice.

“I don’t know, I think so,” I panted, “Who are you?”

“I was hoping you might know.  I woke up in this place I don’t know how long ago, and I can’t remember who I am,” he frowned as if he were wracking his brain for the answer.  I understood how he felt.  There is a feeling of helplessness when you cannot remember who you are.

“The same thing happened to me,” I was still trying to catch my breath from all the running.  _Why are we both here?_ _Could this be the Brayden that Jasmine had mentioned?  _I decided not to bring that up yet.  “So, how did you find me?”

He looked at his feet.  “When I woke up, I felt like I had to help someone.  I just kind of walked through the halls, but it wasn’t wandering... I felt like I knew where I was going,” he looked up at me.  His eyes seemed to glimmer, asking me if he was going insane.  He was hesitant to tell his tale.  “Then, I heard you sobbing.  I opened the door, and here we are.”

_Why did he act so calm?  Did he have a weird dream like mine where someone told him what to do?_  My eyebrows knitted together.  “But there wasn’t a door handle.  I felt all around for one.”  We turned to look at the door, but it was gone.

“What _is_ this place?” The boy muttered.  

I heard something.  Almost like the tiniest rustle of clothing.  My whole body stiffened.  “We have to run.”  My breath started to quicken again.

“Why?” his eyes suspiciously scanned the area.

“Because I woke up--running, and whatever I was running from is here, right now,” I breathed.


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## badboi scene (Jun 27, 2012)

The first paragraph instantaneously grips you. Is this a horror? Because some of it reads a little comical, which I feel belittles a horror, excluding conversational humour:



K. Altan said:


> _Smash_, of course, I ran into a wall. My hands shook as I felt around for another doorway. _Did the wall behind me close up, or was I going completely mad?_ I felt like I was trapped in a box with no way out. I suddenly felt a little sympathy for mimes. I screamed and scratched at the walls.



Your opening chapter captivates your reader and already introduces a number of mysteries, however, if this is indeed a horror, or even a futuristic and/or alien sci-fi, it failed to express to me any kind of fear.


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## K. Altan (Jun 27, 2012)

You're right.  The humor takes away from the story.  I started writing this after reading a really humorous novel, so I guess it kind of sneaked its way into my writing.  I'm not exactly sure what genre this is going to be.  Normally I plan it out, but I'm winging it with this one.  Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I appreciate it.


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## wehttam (Jun 28, 2012)

The story has ensnared me. It leaves me absolutely clueless as to the big picture, and that's always a key ingredient in a good story.


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## badboi scene (Jun 28, 2012)

I find the tides of my genres washing up on diverse soil on odd occasions also, usually when I read, or even play something completely different to what I am working on. I attempt my hand at crime/thriller/mystery, now because I have been playing _Tales of Monkey Island_ on PS3 I find myself wanting to throw quirky pirates, chaotic situations and humorous dialogue into the mix.

This chapter has not introduced anything too gory, or horrific as of yet, so you could work it into young adults fiction, or even crime. As long as you are enjoying it, that is all that matters at this point. Just keep at it and it will reveal to you where its directions should head. Good luck!


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## ScienceFriction (Jul 1, 2012)

That beginning hooked me really fast! The tone remained constant throughout the story, keeping my attention until the very end.


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## SR Steed (Jul 1, 2012)

A nice little teaser. Frantic action with succinct descriptions, and I really want to know what she's running from. One thing I'm curious about:



> I woke up in this maze of endless halls about an hour ago



Does the story end within that hour? Or when you reach up to that hour in the story's time is it going to narrated in the present tense? Just wondering, because if it's neither of those things then the_ "about an hour ago" _should probably be cut.


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## K. Altan (Jul 1, 2012)

I see what you mean.  The whole story is in past tense, so I'll fix that.  Thanks.


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## kkalink (Jul 17, 2012)

I really enjoyed this. I'm not sure where you're going with it but it kept me hanging. Hope to see a new post soon!


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## Xalor (Jul 20, 2012)

First off, I love the whole amnesia hook for a story. Besides the problems noted above it is quite good. But I have two small things that are bothering me...

1. The beginning, although it was well written, threw me off. I read through it twice and the only thing that came to mind was that you didn't start at the beginning. Most books like this, written in 1st person POV, start from the first second of the first hour of the first day.  (read the first chapter of Maze Runner, by James Dasher. you'll see what I mean)

2."Whatever crude light there was in the other halls definitely wasn’t working in here"<-- this line. What kind of crude light? flickering florescent lights? candles? light from the window? it seems like you are deliberately not saying something that could give us a reference to the time period or technology level.  

Feel free to ignore all of this as it is just my opinion. I look forward to reading more whenever it comes!


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## Artanyis (Jul 25, 2012)

I quite enjoyed that and would really like to know whats chasing her, if anything at all.  Wouldn't that be twist?  The only thing I found that stood out too much for me was where she tried to talk to her reflection:


> _“Hey,” I screamed, “could you help me?  I’ve seemed to have lost my memory.”_


Even with the 'I screamed' it still seams to calm and collected, kind of unnatural sounding.  I think it would sound better and help the flow of the story if it was shorter, maybe:  "Hey," I screamed, "please help me!  I'm lost!"


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## Segrotlo (Aug 2, 2012)

This is definitely intriguing.  Lots of mystery built up here, don't leave us hanging.


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## Writer (Aug 7, 2012)

You have revealed enough for it to be intriguing but kept enough that we want to know more. great beginning!


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## K. Altan (Aug 8, 2012)

Thank you so much for all your help.  I finally figured out the storyline.  Artanyis: thanks, I've been trying to figure out a way to make that sentence flow a little better.  Xalor: I've fixed the beginning so it actually starts somewhere.  I would have never noticed that.  Thank you to everyone else for taking the time to read this.


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## DW Keech (Aug 8, 2012)

A story should be read without fear of being hijacked by errors.  If there were any errors in this, I wouldn't know.  It read perfectly smoothly and I'm ready for chapter 2!    Excellent job.


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## fwc577 (Aug 8, 2012)

A few formatting errors most likely came from copy/paste malfunction.  (A few spots you have no spaces after punctuation.



K. Altan said:


> I could not help it, I sobbed and sobbed as I clawed at the walls.



A few times you use "could not" and I would suggest switching to couldn't.  "Could not" just feels clunky in a desperate situation.  Someone saying "I could not help it" doesn't feel as sympathetic as someone who says "I couldn't help it"

Just an fyi, without looking at the context of where they are each used.  You use couldn't 3 times and could not 5 times.

That is just me, take that with a grain of salt.

In the quoted part you should use a ";" instead of a ","  Both are seperate ideas and should be seperated with a "." or ";"



K. Altan said:


> The wall and myself were thrusted forward.



I don't like this sentence at all.  It feels clunky.  Consider revising.  I don't really think a wall can be thrusted forward.  Looking at the context I supposed the wall could be thrusted forward but it feels clunky if "The wall and myself" does it at the same time since it feels like you are saying whatever force acted on the wall acted on you as well but that doesn't seem to be the case, it appears some forced acted on the wall which thrusted forward which thrusted you away from the wall.





K. Altan said:


> Before me stood a boy inhis mid teens



Fragment



K. Altan said:


> He had sandy hair thatstuck up like straw, and pale blue eyes.



Improper punctuation.  Either remove the "," or change it to a "." if you want the dramatic pause.



K. Altan said:


> “Because I wokeup...running, and whatever I was running from is here, right now,” I breathed.



What is the intention here.  Is the "..." used as just a pause in speech or an insecurity in the speech such as stuttering?  If it is just a pause in speech because he has been running and catching his breath then use dashes.  Here is a great resource:

http://www.crayne.com/articles/Dial...,-and-Vary-the-Structure-of-Your-Dialogue.pdf

*For a pause in speech
*Use a dash (to replace an em dash) for a pause in the dialogue. For example,
“Well--maybe they’re not aliens.”
Generally, it is not a good idea to use a lot of dashes in your writing. Beginning
writers often do in the belief that they must “direct” the movie they see in their
heads for their readers. A more advanced writer will leave it up the reader to
understand. For example,
“Well, maybe they’re not aliens.”

*Stuttering or stammering
*From 
_The Chicago Manual of Style, 15th Edition_: Ellipsis point may be used to
indicate faltering or fragmented speech accompanied by confusion or insecurity.
In the examples below, note the relative positions of the ellipsis points and other
punctuation.
“I…I…that, we…yes, we have made an awful blunder!”
“The ship…oh my God!...it’s sinking!” cried Henrietta.
“But…but…,” said Tom.


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## K. Altan (Aug 9, 2012)

Thank you so much.  My grammar is absolutely horrible.  I need as much help as I can get.  For the past 3 years, all of my English teachers have been problematic.  I haven't learned any grammar in that amount of time, but I'm trying so hard to work on it on my own.  As you can probably tell, I'm still a student.


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## fwc577 (Aug 9, 2012)

K. Altan said:


> Thank you so much.  My grammar is absolutely horrible.  I need as much help as I can get.  For the past 3 years, all of my English teachers have been problematic.  I haven't learned any grammar in that amount of time, but I'm trying so hard to work on it on my own.  As you can probably tell, I'm still a student.



Seriously, read that link I put.  Here it is again.  I will even post it in the grammar section.  Read it a few times.  Print it out and hang it on the wall next to your computer.  If you write dialogue like it tells you in that link you are writing professional dialogue that is interesting.

http://www.crayne.com/articles/Dial...,-and-Vary-the-Structure-of-Your-Dialogue.pdf


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## Artanyis (Aug 9, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Xalor:
> _The beginning, although it was well written, threw me off. I read  through it twice and the only thing that came to mind was that you  didn't start at the beginning. Most books like this, written in 1st  person POV, start from the first second of the first hour of the first  day._


Xalor, I have to disagree.  There are plenty of stories that are First person and do not start at the beginning.  Take "All Quiet on the Western Front"  It starts after they have been on the front lines for a while, then goes back to when he joined up.  And "Catcher in the Rye," one of my favorite books, starts at the end.  I know there are others out there that I have read where they do not start at the beginning, I just cant think of any more titles at the moment.
I have reread it with the changes you made and I have to say, I do not like it.  Originally it hooked really well, not knowing anything, being as amnesic as the main character, that was great, and you did an amazing job of writing a sense of urgency and feeling of being lost.  Now, with the new beginning, it all feels forced, and just does not have as much impact.


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## Writer (Aug 9, 2012)

I can't say I know much about first person POV. But I do agree with Artanyis that it is good to know just what he character knows, makes it more interesting when twists come up.


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## K. Altan (Aug 11, 2012)

Hmm, I see what you mean.  The original way I started it seems to catch the reader's attention more than the new way, but it does give the reader a place to start with.  If there are more people who like the original better, I'll change it back.  It's nice to see everyone's opinion.  I would never have gotten this sort of advice at home.  Thank you.


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## Staff Deployment (Aug 11, 2012)

A lot of positive comments! And with good reason.
Unfortunately I'm not so good that.

I feel there is too much going by too quickly with no development; we have no idea who these characters are, and it is difficult to derive the personalities of anyone but Jasmine (who is clearly defined, admirably).

To fix this, I would recommend showing us a bit about "M" as an independent character before immediately thrusting them into danger and apprehension; having a strong, well-developed main character to hang on to and care about is essential for the kind of thriller/humor you seem to be going for.

In any case, my advice is to keep writing your story and see how it develops, then draft it a few times from the beginning to ensure a consistent mood.


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