# November 2016 - LM - Well, This is Awkward - Scores



## kilroy214 (Nov 30, 2016)

Gavrushka
midnightpoet
Makili
amsawtell
total
Terry D.
17
18
17
18
17.75
_"All the Answers"
by the pancreas11_
17.5
17
14
18
16.6
Kyle R.
15.5
15
15
17
16.6
Godofwine
15.5
15
13
14.5
14.5
The Fantastical
13
7
11
9
10




Welcome to the scores everyone! We had a lull in entries as of late, but that doesn't mean the competition has become any less fierce!

In 1st place, we have *Terry D.*'s Rescue
In 2nd place, hiding behind a cloak of anonymity,*thepancreas11*'s All the Answers
and in 3rd, The Long Wait Ahead by *Kyle R.*

Good job to all, and I hope to see you return for December!
Feel free to Like, LoL, or Thank any of the stories at this time, the authors would appreciate it.
And now, on to the scores.

[spoiler2=Gavrushka's Scores] Sorry if using the old template is frowned on... If you need me to alter it, let me know. - Last time I judged was nearly three years ago! 

_ 
[*]*The Fantastical*_*
“Awkward"
 Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5
 Effect: 7
 Overall: 13.0*
 Well, that sure is an example of imagination in overdrive, and it did raise a smile from me. Well done.

 The grammar is a little below par, with ‘where and were’ mixed up on more than one occasion, but I am sure that will improve with practice. (There were a number of other mistakes, including in the first line (know instead of known) and in the second (things TO should have been things GO.)

 Now, for a short piece, each word must have weight (in my opinion) and your style felt a little rambling, lacking the precision needed to give a short story the needed impact. Again, that’s something you may wish to work on.

 But, hell, you’ve imagination to spare so just improve a little on the technical stuff and you’ll be right up there!

__
_
[*]*Terry D*_*
“Rescue"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8.5
 Overall:17*

 I spent the second half of the story trying to figure out the punch line, but was a mile off! Unexpected and enjoyable, and you can’t ask for too much more from a short story. I felt once or twice lines weren’t quite precise enough, and dropped a half mark for tone/voice as a result. I wanted punchier ones as the action developed, and the length of one or two lessened the impact as a result.

 But still this is a gem of a story!

___
[*]*Godofwine*_*
“Caught in a Lie"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5
 Effect: 7.5
 Overall:15.5
*_
 Wow, you’ve made huge progress since I remember. Well done. Very well done!_

_The story was great, and the ending, although expected, still had me applauding. – That bit I think you nailed well and truly._

_I think my main criticism, was it felt a little sterile/wooden in places. It’s hard when your story is based around a phone conversation, but I think one or two ‘stock’ phrases just blurred the impact a little. 'Cloud nine', 'eyes welled with tears' kind of thing. – I believe that trimming a hundred words from this would have helped the flow and feel a hell of a lot. – BUT, don’t feel knocked, this was a great entry, and I’m just giving my thoughts on how it would have worked better for me._


__
_
[*]*Kyle R*_*
“The Long Wait Ahead"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7
 Overall:15.5*_

 I can’t really fault the this. There’s some great lines and the flow is more or less spot on, leaving me drifting from beginning to end._

_But that’s the problem. Nothing really grabbed me about it either. –It felt a little like listening in on part of someone else’s conversation and then tuning out a little later, with little in the way of a punchline. I know how well you write, but this story and I just didn’t quite hit it off._

__
_
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“All the Answers"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 4.5
 Effect: 8.5
 Overall:17.5*_

 Well, Anonymous, I could FEEL the awkward in this. Good stuff! I would have liked a little internal dialogue when dad finds out Aunt Kelly had helped, but that’s a very minor thing and, well, as a judge I had to find something to say._

_Opening was great, and one or two of those earlier lines had me nodding in appreciation. –I’m old and grumpy and don’t do that very often. __J_

 [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2= midnightpoet's scores]  Overall comment: As usual, I try to suggest improvements – but if my comments don’t work for you, so be it.  Remember that each of the judges brings their own perspective
 and expertise, and we are all trying to help the writer.


 Author: The Fantastical  
 Story: Awkward!
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 2/10

 Overall: 7

 Review: See comments below, but you need to pay more attention to grammar, sentence construction, and use of words.  Also mainly telling not showing, you say a lot happened but in reality nothing much is going on (we didn’t “see” it).  It is ironic, but this story itself is awkward (so good use of the prompt) and often rather nonsensical.   No dialog of portent, no characterization, no real conflict, no interaction between characters (other than Mayday, no real characters).  It appears you are going for humor here, but it falls flat.  Actually, seeing some of your other work – which is much better than this – makes me think it was thrown together at the last minute (never a good idea, I know, I’ve done it myself).


*Awkward!*

Life doesn't always go as planned, this was a well know (known) Law of Life (no capitals necessary) .(comma or make a new sentence) But sometimes, just sometimes (don’t repeat yourself) things to so far off track that there is no bringing it back from that awful place of Awkwardness (no capital). Mayday's life was at this stage, the stage (repeating yourself again) when things go from alright (all right) to awkward with no hope of return. 
 (Actually, I’d delete this entire paragraph)

 It had all started when while hurrying to work she had stumbled and fallen into a open storm drain (Poor sentence construction – for one thing starting the sentence with “It” is a bad idea). She was unsure why it had been there where she could fall into it at all but that was something to bring up with the city works council, when she got back to earth. Because that was the main issue in her life at that moment (sentence fragment). She had fallen (she fell) down a storm drain (repeating youself) and landed in the middle of a important meeting between two groups of what she could only guess where aliens (an intergalactic meeting in a storm drain?  I assume you may be going for humor but it falls flat). One group were (was) big, green, scaly, (and) had far to (too) many tentacles to comprehend and the other where (was) smaller, pink, meaner looking and armed. Or at least their arms were armed (arms were armed?) with what looked like things one would arm (arm, arm, arm – too many arms)oneself with (sentence fragment, should restructure). 

 Dazed (comma here, or delete and start with “she.”) she had sat up and looked around and like anyone in that sort of situation had asked, "Hello! Did I hit my head because you all look a lot like aliens(?)". (period outside of quotation marks)Which as luck would have it, was a grave insult in both of those races and a number of others, native tongues (sentence fragment, awkward construction). To say things went badly from there would be like saying that snow in the desert is an odd occurrence (awkward construction). 

 What should have been a great moment in mankinds (mankind’s)history, first contact with an alien race, (s/b no comma here) turned out to be an inter-galactic (s/b intergalactic) incident where four wars where (s/b were, but delete, not necessary) started, one was stopped, and all humans where outlawed as a rude, un-mannerly (unmannerly) lot and she knew, as she sat there in the cold steel spaceship (how did she get from a storm drain to a spaceship?), holding her shoes in her lap, being sent home in disgrace and embarrassment. (comma, new sentence) That no-one on earth was ever going to forgot (forget) the day when she insulted half the galaxy (comma here; they speak English?  How do we know that they understood her?) and cast the whole of the (delete “of the”) earth into that awkward silence that happen at parties when you have just made a comment about the funny green things in the salad to the hostess. (awkward paragraph, also telling not showing).

 Author: Terry D
 Story: The rescue
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 10/10
 Overall:18

 Review: I really liked this – a P.I. werewolf? Can’t see much wrong with it, note a few comments, mostly just some thoughts. Good use of the prompt.


 Rescue
 (650 words)
 Terry D

 The timing is perfect, Dennison thought (comma)shrugging off his overcoat. The moon was just breeching the tree-line to the East (needs capitalization?)like a swollen, pus-filled blister (great image). He could feel its light caress the skin on his face and hands. His body reacted to it; the change was coming fast.

 The bones in his arms, his legs, and his face softened, reshaped themselves, and hardened once more. Muscles and connective tissue grew stronger and reacted more quickly while his senses sharpened. He could smell them now, three men and one woman, hidden in an old camper trailer less than a block away. The moon-bright air was thick with the stench of lust coming from the men, and spiced with the sharp odor of fear from the woman.

 The trailer sat on rotting tires in the center of a vacant lot between two empty, sagging buildings. It listed badly to one side, its (open?) windows glowing dimly with sick, yellow light. Dennison turned his ears forward and heard soft sobbing and pieces of conversation.

“…heard from him yet?”

 “Don’t worry. He’ll pay.”

 “What… do… doesn’t?”

 “…the same thing… if he does.”

Dennison closed on the camper at a gentle lope. With each step he heard more.

“You mean we kill her?”

 “Of course, idiot. She’s seen us.”

 “Who’s gonna do that? Not me.”

 “You will if I tell you to, you chickenshit little –“

A third voice broke in. A voice filled with cold (sometimes repetition works, I think it does here). “I’ll do it.” Dennison – who was not completely (don’t think you need “completely”) Dennison (himself?)anymore – stopped beside the trailer and listened.(new paragraph) “I got no issues with killin’ a woman. Fact is, I got no problems doin’ lots’a things to a woman.” (new paragraph)Dennison’s instincts told him the man was telling the truth. The owner of that voice would be his first target.

“Whatever, dude. Just leave me out of it… the killing I mean.”

Through the thin walls of the camper Dennison heard the woman – Lacey – continue to sob. Don’t worry, Lacey, he thought with the still human part of his brain. Your mate hired me to get you back, and get you back I will. It’s what I do.

 Using his heightened senses, Dennison located each of the men inside the trailer in a matter of seconds, plotting their positions as precisely as a bat echo locates a moth. He was ready.

 A shadow – cast by the kidnapper who had volunteered for the wet work – stood at the window above Dennison’s head. The P.I. moved. With a howl of rage and joy he thrust both forelegs through the window (did the window have glass, a curtain? How big the window? If there was glass, were his paws affected?) and grabbed the shadow. Claws bit deep into soft flesh and caught bone. With a jerk Dennison pulled the man through the window, snapping his spine in the process. He cast aside the twitching, dying man and leapt through the ragged opening. There were screams. There was death.

 ***

 Later, the woman sat, trembling, on an old barrel beside the trailer while Dennison started to reverse the change. Reverting back to human was always difficult – it sometimes seemed to Dennison as if his true nature was beast – and it was slow. As he changed he watched her. She was beautiful, maybe beyond beautiful, and both sides of his nature were stirred.

“C’mon,” he said when he had his human voice back. “Let’s go. My car is just a few blocks away.” He extended his hand to her – it was a hand again, coarse, bloody, but nearly man-like – and she took it. Together they left the trailer behind them. (I’d like some more reaction from the woman as to Dennison – is she just used to seeing werewolves and people being ripped to shreds?)

 On the corner a street light with a shattered bulb stood like a dying sunflower. Dennison tried to pass it by, but he could not. The urge was too strong. After – when the night air was filled with the reek of urine strong enough even his human nose could not miss it – he rearranged his trousers and said, “Sorry about that.” (liked this a lot, marking his territory)

“Well, that was awkward,” she said softly.


 Author:  God of Wine

 Story: Caught in a Lie

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5

 Tone/Voice: 4/5

 Effect: 7/10

 Overall: 15

 Review: See notes below. Okay use of the prompt, although it wasn’t specifically mentioned. Well written overall, good characterization, character interaction – just more telling than showing.  I don’t know if it was the lack of tension and real conflict, or if the ending seemed too quick or forced, but after I thought about it I think it was the phone conversation.  When characters are face to face, it increases tension and conflict – the phone call diluted the drama; so the story did not grab me much.


Caught in a Lie – Godofwine (650 Words – Strong Language)

 Dexter smiled from ear-to-ear, beaming from the news on the other end of the phone. 

“Yes. Oh, no. Thank you. I’ll see you Monday morning. Thanks again, Ron,” he said, before hanging up the phone. 

 His fists were balled up as he suppressed a scream (I would think it would be more of a yell). He felt like king of the world.

 After years of hard work, he’d received the promotions of promotions, and a salary bump to nearly half a million dollars. He had to call someone.

 As if he had willed it, his phone rang.

“What’s going on, Dex?

“Man, Kev. You just don’t know...”

 “Hey, Dex,” Kevin said, cutting him off. I gotta ask you something.”

Dexter sensed seriousness in Kevin’s tone and the excitement evaporated from the conversation before.

“Go ahead, man.”

 “Look. I know we don’t get together as often as we used to. I know you got work and all, but do you still…are you still with Angela?”

 “Yeah, man. We’re cool. We just had our two year anniversary two days ago. Hell, with the news I just got, I’m about to ask her, man.”

 “What news?” Kevin said, ignoring the talk of engagement to give his friend’s good news chance to breathe.

“I just got promoted to VP, man. I got off the phone with my boss a second ago. I’m psyched,” Dexter said, almost squealing. 

“That’s fantastic! I barely see you as (it) is, now you are about to seriously fall off the map,” Kevin said, laughing. “I know your salary is about to double.”

 “Man, no. Triple,” Dexter said, still trying to keep from floating to cloud nine.

“Doesn’t matter. I’m proud of you,” Kevin said, and then his tone changed. “But I got to talk to you about some other shit, man.”

Kevin swallowed hard. For a moment, he thought about calling back, or dropping by later. He didn’t want to kill Dexter’s moment, but there was no good time to give the bad news he had to give.

“Spit it out.”

 “We had a Halloween party at my part-time job tonight, and I saw Angela there.”

 “She told me she had to work late because of some project her boss needed for tomorrow.”

 “She was there, and she wasn’t alone. She was with one of my coworkers, Gerald, hugging and kissing all on him, man. I’m sorry.”

Dexter slid out of the chair to one knee, suddenly not able to speak, or even catch his breath. His eyes welled with tears, but he looked to the heavens and willed them not to fall. 

 For several minutes neither man spoke. Kevin broke the silence. 

“Look. I’m on my way over there. I’m gonna talk to my boss and get him to let me go early.”

 “No,” Dexter’s voice quivered, before repeating the word again firmly. “No. Stay.”

 “Look. Don’t do anything crazy to jeopardize your promotion.”

 “Kevin,” he said, as he stood up. “We go back almost 10 years, to Cleveland State. You know I wouldn’t.”

 “What are you gonna do?”

 “I’m gonna tell her I got the VP, that I now make half a million dollars…and then I’m gonna tell her to pack her shit.”

Kevin laughed aloud. “You wouldn’t.”

Dexter fell silent.

“Oh, you would. Where is she?”

 “Coming in the house now,” Dexter said, putting the phone on the table.

“Hey babe, come here real quick.”

Angela walked into the dining room, “Yeah, babe?”

 “I got the promotion, babe! I’m VP.”

Angela screamed and ran to hug him, but he held his hand out to stop her. A puzzled look crossed her face.

“I now make half a million dollars a year.”

She screamed, louder this time, and again tried to hug him, but still he had his hand out to stop her.

 "I was about to ask you to marry me, but instead…who’s Gerald?”

From the phone on the table, he heard Kevin’s cackling laughter and grinned.






 Author:  Kyle R

 Story: The Long Wait Ahead

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5

 Tone/Voice: 4/5

 Effect:7/10

 Overall : 15

 Review: Well written, but it wasn’t clear to me as to what was going on – superheroes considered freaks and doing more harm than good?  Some kind of deadly fog, but where did it come from? The bombs? Some of the wording about the streets sounds like 19[SUP]th[/SUP] century – so how were they dropped? The story reminded me of Steampunk, but not enough info to go on.  Good character interaction, but too much telling and not enough showing.  A lot of sentence fragments, although can be a matter of style here, and it works overall. Good use of the prompt.

*The Long Wait Ahead*
 Kyle R
_(650 words / Language)_


 The bombs fell at noon, their winged casings tumbling from the sky like dead birds.

 Suli watched it all from her living room window with a growing tightness in her chest. “It’s not supposed to be like this,” she said. “You can’t just screw with nature and expect everything to be okay.”

Her leather sofa creaked. Then (I think you can drop “then”) Drent’s gravelly baritone echoed through her loft. “What makes you think people _want _everything to be okay?”

It was an odd question—one she hadn’t considered before. Didn’t _everyone_ want things to be okay? She turned and scowled at him. “Who’d want otherwise?”

Drent squinted at the window. “Hell, I don’t know. Just sayin’.” He sprawled out sideways on her couch, draping his muscled arm over the padded back. His boots rubbed dirt and grime into the upholstery.

 Suli gritted her teeth. “Can you take your shoes off, at least? We’re in a crisis here, and you’re just slopping up my furniture.”

But Drent just laughed and shook his head.

 The concussions finally reached them, shuddering the windowpanes, vibrating the floor. The sound penetrated the building like the roll of some distant, sickly (sickly?) thunder. A few dishes in the kitchen clattered together.

 Then the silence flooded back in.

 Suli looked out the window and frowned. The streets didn’t look much different—aside from the fact that they were desolate. No pedestrians. No bustling carriages. No matted, musclebound  horses. Everywhere she looked: nothing but cobblestones and dirty, leftover rain. The buildings looked the same, too—archaic, oversized. Untouched. It was still too bright to see through any nearby windows; the glass just reflected the gray sky back at her. But _they_ (Exactly who were _they_?) were out there, she could almost feel them: others like her and Drent, standing at their own windows. Watching. Waiting.

 Holding their breath.

 She blew hers out and forced a smile. “Isn’t this ridiculous?”

Something (Boots? Be specific)clomped against the floor, and Drent cleared his throat. “How d’ya mean?”

 “I mean, we spend our lives helping. Doing things others aren’t brave enough for. Things they aren’t strong enough to. Saving people. Stopping the worst. Wearing these ridiculous capes and corsets. And for what?” She turned and gestured, vaguely, at the streets. “To be smoked out? Blasted with some goddamn _cure_? Like we’re some fucking disease?”

Drent had his boots off now; he'd set them on the floor near the couch. “I’m not exactly a thinker,” he said, tucking his laces away. He shot her a smile, all teeth. “But I’d say it’s ‘cause people don’t like _different_.”

This wasn’t exactly a deep revelation, but Suli nodded anyway. She knew all about people’s aversion to _different_—she’d spent her whole damn life dealing with it. “Yeah, well,” she said, shaking her head, “people need to grow the hell up.”

Drent pursed his lips, but said nothing. Together, they watched the city through the glass. Her, standing. Him, sitting. Both, still and quiet. They watched the chemicals rise, watched the yellow plume of steam engulf the open streets. Watched it press against the window like an ominous fog.

 She hadn’t thought she’d live to see this day. Hell, she hadn’t thought this day would come at all. But now it was here. Undeniably. Frighteningly. And there was no escaping it.

 All they could do was wait and hope none of it could get in.

 For a long time, neither of them moved. Then Drent let out a yawn. “They say it won’t affect most folks,” he said. He walked to the window and stretched beside her. “Just . . . you know.”

She squinted. “Just freaks like us.”

Drent exhaled. “Somethin' like that.”

She watched the mist swirl against the glass. “How long before it’s gone, you think?”

 “Hell.” Drent scratched his neck. “A month? Maybe two?”

Suli’s shoulders fell. “Jesus.”

Drent forced a laugh, then glanced back at her living room. “So . . . got any board games?



 #

 Author: Anonymous

 Story: All The Answers

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5

 Tone/Voice: 4/5

 Effect: 9/10

 Overall: 17

 Review: I liked this, reminded me of one of my own stories (and for that matter, conversations with my son).  Good character interaction, characterization, some tension and generational conflict.  Shift back and forth from first person to second person narration in places, especially 1[SUP]st[/SUP] paragraph. Well written overall. Good use of the prompt.


 All the Answers
 by Anonymous

 I tried to think about all the good times we’d had together—teaching her how to ride a bike or building sandcastles or something. I guess you want to think about innocence in a time like this because that’s the only way you can stem the tide of time. You think about the past, you wear it like a warm blanket, and you forget about cold reality.

 Except, I just kept thinking about her mother and the last time I’d seen her, outside of Pittsburgh with Rick, high as The Beatles writing “Eggman”. I kept thinking maybe I should call her instead, like she would know what to do.

 I knocked on Kaleigh’s door and waited.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s up?” (s/b new paragraph)

 There were pictures on the bedside table of the two of us. There was no evidence she had a mother. She had a wall poster of Mario Lemieux and a reproduction of a Rothko. There was a bra in the laundry (how did he know that, and why did it make him feel worse?), which made me feel worse. That talk (what talk?  About her mother?)was impossible, and I ended up passing it off to my sister.

“I was just wondering how things were going. School okay?”

She sat on the edge of the bed. She was pretty and young. She smiled more than I ever did. Made me feel like I might’ve be (been) winning the parenting battle, if there is such a thing.

“Yeah.”

 “And Kyle? Everything okay there?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you—” I stumbled into it. I did the same thing when she was going through puberty. “I thought it might be a good idea to just, check in on your…your life.”

 “Okay.” (Make new paragraph?) She could see it in her eyes she knew where things were going. (Did you mean “I could see it in her eyes…? Otherwise POV shift)  I don’t know why we just danced around it. I’d kill to know what she was thinking. My parents never really talked to me like this. My sister and I learned it from our friends in middle school. The first time my dad even mentioned sex, he was telling me how sexy he thought Farah Fawcett was.

“Are you and Kyle…are you…well, it’s none of my business if you are, I just want you to be safe and…”

She clammed up at first, I think as much because that’s what she’d been told to do her whole life. That’s the way you see it on TV. I expected her to say something like, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “Ew, gross.” I knew her better than that, but I still expected her to say it. I almost wanted her to say stuff like that sometimes.

“We are having sex, Dad. We’re being safe.”

 “Do you need…are you on the pill? Is it weird to say I’ll help you get it? I don’t know what the ground is here. I just want you to have a normal life and to feel safe and—”

 “Aunt Kelly helped me get it. I should have told you, but I—”

 “No, no, I understand. It’s…well, it’s awkward, right? I’m your dad. I don’t know what you’re going through. She does.”

I remember we talked for hours after that, and even though I thought it went okay, I felt this rock in my gut. I kept thinking about her mother and how I probably should have fought a little harder to keep her, if just for this. Eventually, I realized I was just listening to her and not saying anything, and that made everything worse. I had no input, no help, no guidance.

 Maybe she saw it, I don’t know, but she stopped at one point and threw her arms around my neck. “It’s okay, Dad. You’re doing great.”

 “Yeah?”

 “Yeah. It’s tough. You won’t always have the answers.” She squeezed. “You don’t have to know what I’m going through. Sometimes, I just want you to listen.” [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Makili's Scores] *The Fantastical - Awkward!
* SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 4
 Overall: 11

 The tone is anecdotal, casual, and adds humour to the piece.  
 But this raises too many questions for me: From this line: : „...that was something to bring up with the city works council, when she got back to earth“ I got an impression she is on another planet. So why would the presence of aliens be so puzzling if we have already conquered the space?  Why would they choose a space below the gutter for a meeting? Why were they so upset with her comment? Overall, I didn’t find it convincing.
 Because of that, I felt like this was just a sketch, an embryo of a story that has yet to develop. 
 Some SPaG issues: into a open – into an open; earth – Earth; mankinds – mankind’s; was ever going to forgot – was ever going to forget; commas would help in longer sentences...

*Rescue – Terry D*
 SPaG: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 17

 I liked the interpretation of the prompt, how the story changes from horror/action to comedy and how you showed that even a more-than-human character can give in to the most basic urges. Nicely done. 
“On the corner a street light with a shattered bulb stood like a dying sunflower.“ I found this a rather  forced metaphor that made me roll my eyes (like: he is trying really hard to be original and impress the readers, and in my case it didn’t work).

*Caught in a lie - Godofwine*
 SPaG: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 13

 I liked the dynamics and the flow of the dialogue and how the story was developing through it. But I can’t say I found this story particularly original.
 Also, it felt more like a story of revenge rather than of an awkward moment. 

*The Long Wait Ahead – Kyle R*
 SPaG: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 15

 This was interesting and rather intriguing. What are these people who are wearing capes and corsets, and help others? (Superheroes? Maybe this is some cultural reference I didn’t  get). 
 I can’t see the link with the theme - what exactly is awkward here? That they are playing board games in such a moment? 
 A little issue I had with this piece: recently I have been reading a lot of “creative writing”, “show don’t tell”, “scene structure” etc stuff (most of it recommended by people here), and while reading this story, I kept thinking how it diligently follows all the rules stated there. But I can’t say I was impressed by that – it was too “textbook example” andI rather thought that was to the detriment of originality. 
 Despite all that, I still enjoyed the read. 

*All the answers - Anonymous*
 SPaG: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14

 I liked the interpretation of the prompt, and could really feel the awkwardness throughout the story.
 However, I found this to be inconsistent in several places. 
 Like with this line: “... I remember we talked for hours after that...”
I felt like after all that nice build up, you got stuck on how to proceed so you just jumped forward and forcefully condensed the whole storyline. That broke the narration flow. 
 Or this line: “That talk was impossible, and I ended up passing it off to my sister. “
I understood that once he entered the room and saw the pictures and the bra, he changed his mind, left and sent his sister to do the talk instead. But then it turns out he didn’t... I was a bit confused... 
 A good effort, nevertheless.  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=amsawtell's Scores] *Title:  *Awkward!
*Author: *The Fantastical
*SPaG:  *2/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *4/10

*Overall: *9/20

 This is very creative and I think that the story could be further developed to really be interesting.  As it stands now I was confused about the action of the story.  I’m not entirely sure what is going on and I think part of the problem is that there are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.  Many of these errors are typos that can be avoided with careful reading once the story is written.  This story is also really short and I think that contributes to the confusion I felt.  This story would be better as a longer piece and would probably be too long to be told for the LM competition.

*Title:  *Rescue
*Author: *Terry D
*SPaG:  *5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *8/10

*Overall:  *18/20

 That was the most disgusting and non-romantic description of the moon I’ve ever read.  I like how the hard-boiled investigator story was softened by the comedy at the end.

*Title:  *Caught in a Lie
*Author: *godofwine
*SPaG: *4.5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:  *14.5/20

 This was kind of funny.  I think it still operates on cliché and that the situation is cliché as well.  I can imagine this being an 80s romantic comedy.

*Title:  *The Long Wait ahead
*Author:  *Kyle R
*SPaG:  *5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *8/10

*Overall:  *18/20

 There’s a poignancy to this that was really startling.  Your characters are very human and realistic while going through something terrible and frightening.  I enjoyed the gallows humor at the end.

*Title:  *All the Answers
*Author:  *Anonymous
*SPaG:   *5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *7/10

*Overall:  *17/20

 The characters and situation are realistic and just interesting enough to have engaged me.  This isn’t my cup of tea but this was well told.  [/spoiler2]


If I made any mistakes, give me a shout. Hope to see you all, and hopefully others, next month!


----------



## Gavrushka (Dec 1, 2016)

Congrats to all who participated.


----------



## Terry D (Dec 1, 2016)

Cool! An unexpected win (I really thought I was stuffed when Kyle and Panc entered). I just didn't want to see an LM competition bereft of entries, so I resurrected an old character from a story I wrote many full moons ago. My poor attempts at humor usually fall flat in the LM, so this was a surprise.

Many thanks to the judges. Your comments are always spot on, and I appreciate the effort you put in. Congratulations to thepancreas11, Kyle R, Godofwine, and The Fantastical for putting their work out there for dissection. Well done, all  

Gavrushka -- I understand what you mean about needing punchier lines. I literally wrote this story in 30 minutes on the day the competition was closing and only went back through it once to look for glaring errors. That means I didn't take the time to 'punch up' the writing.

midnightpoet -- You caught some of the errors I mentioned above, and your criticism is on point. The lack of detail about Dennison going through the window to grab the kidnapper bothered me also, but I was rubbing up against the dread 650 as it was and didn't take time to massage it.

Makili -- Sorry the visual of the street light didn't work for you (it is a bit hackneyed). Sometimes when we, as writers, are digging for gold all we end up with is dirty hands.

amsawtell -- "That was the most disgusting and non-romantic description of the moon I’ve ever read." Thank you! This time I found a nugget.


----------



## Kyle R (Dec 1, 2016)

Congrats, *Terry*! A winning combination of grit, action, and humor—nicely done.

Well done to *Panc*, also! A funny, awkward, and warm scene. Good stuff. 

Great entries by *GodofWine* and *Fantastical*, as well. Always fascinating to see how differently the prompt gets explored.


*Gav* — Sorry the story didn't gel with you. Perhaps I needed to make the stakes more pronounced; the scene more urgent. Thanks for the honest feedback! 

*Midnight* — Sorry things weren't clear to you—that just means I didn't make things clear enough. What I was going for: In the world which these superheroes live, society has deemed them unsafe and meant for extermination. The bombs (dropped from airships, perhaps) release a poisonous gas, made to kill anyone with mutated genes. The two characters in the scene find themselves stuck in Suli's apartment, having to wait it out—hoping the fumes won't find a way in. Thanks for reading and for the feedback! :encouragement: 

*Makili* — Yes, Suli and Drent are superheroes. The gas is meant to kill them (and others like them), in a society where superheroes have been deemed unsafe. So they find themselves forced to stay indoors and hopefully wait it out, for however long that may take.

Interesting comment about it feeling too "textbook". I take that to mean it felt too rigid, or too stiff—which is something I can certainly work on. Thanks for the feedback! :encouragement:

*AmSaw* — I'm glad this story worked for you! Tone was the main focus of mine here. I was going for dreary and somber, with a splash of humor at the end. I'm also glad the situation made sense for you—I was beginning to worry that I'd made things too vague. Thanks for the encouraging feedback, and also for the term "gallows  humor", which I'd never heard of before. 


Thanks for the hard work as always, *Phil*! :encouragement:


----------



## JaneC (Dec 6, 2016)

Congratulations! I really enjoyed reading everyone's entries!


----------



## The Fantastical (Dec 26, 2016)

Thanks for the feedback!


----------

