# Living with non-writers



## squidtender (Feb 21, 2012)

As some of you might know from other threads, I have a strict writing routine that I hold to. While I don't have kids to deal with, I do have a wife that walks on the ground that I worship. She's a perfect writers wife, and in fact, she's the person I write my stories for. She's brilliant, encouraging and I wouldn't be where I am without her. The one problem I do have, is that she just doesn't understand that when I'm writing and she stops me to say something, it takes me valuable time to get back where I was. When I'm in the moment, eyeball deep in a world that I've created, it's literally like being _r__ipped_ from that place and brought back to the real world. The scene that goes through my head every time she does it, is Jack Nicholson's speech in _The Shinning_ when Wendy (his wife) interrupts him. My wife has made comments about how she "shouldn't bother me" when I'm writing, but it still happens several times a week. I try to keep my cool, because I know that someone who doesn't write, doesn't know what it's like to have it happen. Short of building a sealed room with armed guards, I don't know how to fix this. I've talked to her, and she knows she shouldn't do it, but once again, there's no way for me to make her understand. Does anyone else have this problem, and if so, how have you solved it?


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## shadowwalker (Feb 21, 2012)

Locked door with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it. Just a gentle reminder to all.


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## Chaeronia (Feb 21, 2012)

A spade (dual purpose), a garden, some quicklime.  Wait for nightfall.  

Thank me later.


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## Jeko (Feb 21, 2012)

I have a similar problem with interruptions - a do-not-disturb sign seems to be working now that I've finally gotten round to making one.


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## alanmt (Feb 21, 2012)

Don't look at her.  Say:

"Can't talk now, sweetie, totally on a roll!" 

Type furiously until she goes away.


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## Mystery (Feb 21, 2012)

"If you bother me while my door is locked you are going to quickly find out that there are worse horrors than waking me up early without coffee"


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## Bloggsworth (Feb 21, 2012)

I would do a bit of editing before you let your wife read this sentence: " _I do have a wife that walks on the ground that I worship_." I'm sure that your wife would be very happy to know that you worship the ground that she walks on, but she might take exception to your view that she is is disturbing what you worship!

My wife occassionally asks me if a poem went down well, never asks to see any. My daughter thinks there is something rather odd about a grown man writing poetry at all - Both of them ignore me unless they want something...


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## felix (Feb 21, 2012)

I'm having the same kind of trouble, although me and my other half don't live together. Instead, we spend our weekends together, Friday night until Sunday afternoon, which happens to coincide with the only free time with which I have to write. This consequently results in me desperately trying to get back home as soon as possible on Sunday afternoons in order to squeeze in a few hours of writing, and unsurprisingly she sees this as me scrabbling to escape her. 

I can understand perfectly, seeing as the 'writing' could mean anything to her; I'm an unpublished student with very little to show for my work. Also, there's the trifling issue of us being polar opposites, to the point that she's never read anything beyond teen vampire novels and Heat magazine, and in the four years that we've been together she's never once opened a book. 

I tried letting her reading a few of my short stories and an extract from my novel, all of which she read and handed back and said were good, not sarcastically, actually rather politely, but utterly unenthusiastically. 

I wouldn't mind that, were it not for the fact that she's unable to understand why I can't simply write in her kitchen on a Sunday while she sits next to me, arguing with her mother and watching Judge Judy or Jeremy Kyle on full volume. I've tried making a case for why I require solitude, quiet and peace, but her lack of comprehension stops me dead; I have no ground to work on. She has no concept of a requirement to concentrate. 

To her, I'm merely trying not to spend time with her, and I'm so conniving that I'm willing to invent such a lie as 'writing a novel'. 

Obviously, I'm exaggerating, but not by much. 

I'm hoping that in time she'll come to respect my privacy, but for the meantime I'm stuck in her kitchen, with her crazy mother.


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## dale (Feb 21, 2012)

i guess i'm lucky in that respect. my wife works nights. i just have my writing time while she's not there.


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## alanmt (Feb 21, 2012)

My husband is a voice actor.  Once the little one falls asleep, I retire to my computer, and he retires to his sound booth. I don't usually lose my steam when interrupted. But woe unto me if I ruin a good take of his with an untimely interruption.


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## Gardening Girl (Feb 21, 2012)

_


felix said:



			I'm hoping that in time she'll come to respect my privacy, but for the meantime I'm stuck in her kitchen, with her crazy mother.
		
Click to expand...


_Run for the hills!  

If she doesn't respect your privacy now, it's unlikely she'll change going forward.  Sorry to say it but maybe you need to find another girl.  Ideally, one who writes too or at the very least understands the needs of a writer.


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## felix (Feb 21, 2012)

Gardening Girl said:


> Run for the hills!
> 
> If she doesn't respect your privacy now, it's unlikely she'll change going forward.  Sorry to say it but maybe you need to find another girl.  Ideally, one who writes too or at the very least understands the needs of a writer.



I feel no hesitation when I say that nothing could part me from that crazy genius of a woman, irrespective of how irritating, impatient or downright stupid she can be. 

A lack of understanding is a fair trade for being privy to some of the things she does or says. 

But still, she's crazy.


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## squidtender (Feb 21, 2012)

Bloggsworth said:


> I would do a bit of editing before you let your wife read this sentence: " _I do have a wife that walks on the ground that I worship_." I'm sure that your wife would be very happy to know that you worship the ground that she walks on, but she might take exception to your view that she is is disturbing what you worship!



LOL. That's one of my wife's favorite lines from Dennis Miller, so that's why I worded it that way=P~


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## Terry D (Feb 21, 2012)

My wife respects my writing time, but will, upon occasion, interrupt me.  It does take a awhile to get back into the flow of the writing, but she is more important to me than what I am writing, so the interruption is a small thing.


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## squidtender (Feb 21, 2012)

I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one afflicted with this problem. So, someone needs to make one of two things:
1. A website for single writers looking to meet other single writers. Just have to make sure you can filter acording to body type, location and genre
2. An inflatable writers pod, complete with sound proof walls, CD player and something to bang your head against (for those times of writers block). 
Couple of million dollar ideas right there, people:champagne:


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## felix (Feb 21, 2012)

I'll take the writer's pod. I could use one of those. 

But the dating site wouldn't be for me. Writers are boring.


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## LambertLover (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh, I practically write all day long since I'm unemployed, and I write for fun just to get these characters off my back constantly saying, "Write down my story! You know what I'm going to do next, write it down!" So it's not like I don't have ideas. I have them all day long. I'm lucky to say that when I'm interrupted, the few times I'm interrupted, I can get right back to it. Perhaps outlining even the next few scenes will help even more since I haven't done that in a long time, but all I can say is I agree with the "Do Not Disturb" sign.


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## Grape Juice Vampire (Feb 21, 2012)

Eh, i don't really have this problem. Unless my parents really really needs something, they leave me alone if they know I'm writing. Not that it matters really as one of the reasons i am still at home is to take care of my mom.


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## The Backward OX (Feb 21, 2012)

felix said:


> I'm having the same kind of trouble, although me and my other half don't live together. Instead, we spend our weekends together, Friday night until Sunday afternoon, which happens to coincide with the only free time with which I have to write. This consequently results in me desperately trying to get back home as soon as possible on Sunday afternoons in order to squeeze in a few hours of writing, and unsurprisingly she sees this as me scrabbling to escape her.
> 
> I can understand perfectly, seeing as the 'writing' could mean anything to her; I'm an unpublished student with very little to show for my work. Also, there's the trifling issue of us being polar opposites, to the point that she's never read anything beyond teen vampire novels and Heat magazine, and in the four years that we've been together she's never once opened a book.
> 
> ...



So what do you have in common?


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## heartmama (Feb 21, 2012)

With 3 boys age 6 and under, perpetual noise and interruptions are an unavoidable part of life. Writing while they are conscious is a risk that borders on foolishness. I'm getting better at dealing with the interruptions, but for the most part, I wait till they're asleep at night. Then I only have to deal with my husband's interruptions. A majority of the time he's good at leaving me alone. Occasionally he'll forget and after the second interruption I just give him "the look" and he usually takes the hint and stays away till I'm done.  I don't have any doors to lock at the moment as my only choices for writing are our bedroom or the living room. We're moving to a house in a little over a month, though, where I'll finally have an office with a door. I have added "Do Not Disturb Sign" to my shopping list.


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## Tiamat (Feb 21, 2012)

I'm afraid my advice isn't as cozy as the others.  I just suck it up and deal with it, and I encourage you to do the same--that is, if you're happy with your woman.  If not--that is to say, if it's not worth compromise to listen to her (or ignore her) and deal with the interruption from a person you love and respect and surely interrupt when she's busy--then break it off and be alone or find someone more compatible with your lifestyle.

You know, like, how I've been trying to type this reply for several minutes and my other half has interrupted my train of thought two or three times now with pointless "Am I bothering you?" and "I don't want to go to work tomorrow" comments.  I paused, responded in kind, and then continued typing.  The compromise is that when he bothers me while I'm trying to write, I answer "yes" to the question of whether or not he's bothering me.  Then, he can either choose to go away or pursue the subject, knowing full well that any continued interruptions are likely to make me snap at him and start a fight.  He can interrupt anything else--movies, music, forum or facebook browsing, cleaning, etc.  Just not writing.  He knows he's on dangerous ground.

And I, in turn, leave him be while he's gaming.  Most of the time.  But I also know that any continued interruptions on my part will likely lead him to snap at me and start a fight.  It's all about give and take.


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## Rustgold (Feb 21, 2012)

The Backward OX said:


> So what do you have in common?



Come on, you're not so old to not know this answer.


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## squidtender (Feb 22, 2012)

Terry D said:


> My wife respects my writing time, but will, upon occasion, interrupt me.  It does take a awhile to get back into the flow of the writing, but she is more important to me than what I am writing, so the interruption is a small thing.



Terry summed it up for me. My wife _is_ more important than writing, which is why I didn't make my own private corner in the house. I thought that writing in the living room would at least keep me near her, but I'm beginning to think that it's unfair for her as well. I hijack the TV and put on Pandora (because I can only write to classical or Miles Davis) and pound away on my keyboard _demanding_ silence. Stephen King's _On Writing_, he did say that the first draft should be done behind closed doors. I know he meant that metaphorically, but it could be sound advice to take literally.


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## Robdemanc (Feb 22, 2012)

Give her a copy of The Shining to watch/read.


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## squidtender (Feb 22, 2012)

Robdemanc said:


> Give her a copy of The Shining to watch/read.



I actually pulled this youtube clip up on my computer, and when she started to talk to me, I didn't respond, just played the video. It was probably one of the dumber decisions I have made. She did not find humor in it.
Here's the link (caution: language)
The Shining Wendy Let Me Tell You Something - YouTube


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## Kyle R (Feb 22, 2012)

A real artist must live like a monk, and forsake all material posessions, as well as interpersonal relationships! You cannot give yourself fully to your craft if you are involved with others. This means to be a true writer you must live on a mountain top, alone, using sticks as your writing utensils and the earth as your parchment. Only then can you truly be a writer.



Kidding, of course. Though then again.. *ponders*

Whenever people bother me while I'm writing, I simply give them one word answers while I continue trying to type. Eventually they feel neglected or frustrated and wander off.

Me: "Yep", "Nope", "..I'unno".

Them: "I see your WRITING is more important than ME"

Me: "Yep"

Them: "ARGH"


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## JosephB (Feb 22, 2012)

Our problem is a little different. My wife doesn't interrupt that often. When she does, I can stop typing, make eye contact -- but my brain is still fixed on the writing. I can even say, "OK, honey," -- or even respond in more detail based on what she said, or part of what she said. But none of it has actually registered.

What she's learned to do is stop at some point and say -- "What did I just say?" If I can answer correctly, she continues. If not, she starts over. Either way, the process is enough to get me out of my head so I'm actually paying attention. And I do work at home too, so it's not just with writing. 

She learned long ago that if I just nod and say OK or whatever -- it's hasn't sunk it. It led to a couple of near disasters and some real frustration on her part -- but this work-around is pretty effective, and it hasn’t been a problem in a good while.


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## heartmama (Feb 22, 2012)

JosephB, I literally laughed out loud when I read your post because that is EXACTLY how my husband and I operate.  It also applies to when I'm watching my favorite tv shows or reading a book. I've even named my condition:  tunnel thinking. Unless you take a jack-hammer and break through the tunnel to let the light in, there's a pretty good chance I'm not actually listening to you, no matter how detailed my answer, and if you ask me about it later I will literally have NO memory of ever having spoken to you. The memory loss is so complete it took multiple people, multiple tries, and a video recording to convince me this was actually happening.  In high school my sister could walk up behind me and scream her head off, out of my vision, while I was reading and I honestly wouldn't hear a thing.  It became a standing joke in the family.  I'm not as good at it with my kids, but I kinda think that's a good thing. I should probably recognize when they're screaming in pain because they've just walked full speed into the counter overhang.  

squidtender - Thanks for the link. I haven't seen The Shining since I was probably too young to be watching it and I didn't remember that scene. Very apropos.


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## Ditch (Feb 22, 2012)

My wife is my coauthor and gives me a lot of good ideas, proofreads the manuscripts and fills in a lot of the chick parts. even in the 1600's a woman at times got hormonal and very moody when pregnant with mood swings. I didn't even think of this but my wife did.


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## DyingAtheist (Feb 23, 2012)

I live with 19 students, and the lock on my bedroom door fails at regular intervals.
Sometimes, you've got to roll with it.


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## starseed (Feb 26, 2012)

I've had similar problems. My guy and I are now separated.  Not because of this... he has other issues that separated us, but this was a problem sometimes. I need a lot of time to write, it's just how I work. It takes me awhile to "get into it" and once I'm there I need to stay there, lost in the story, for hours or even days. He's too clingy... I know that sounds mean but he is. And I DO make time for him every day, so after 1) cooking him dinner 2) eating dinner with him 3) hanging out with him for an hour or so afterwards, every night, having him still sigh and make that *sad face* when I say "okay time to go back to my writing now" is pretty annoying honestly. We are living apart at the moment and I'm coming up with a big list of things I would need him to change if we get back together and that is a big one. I'm an independent type soul and while I want a partner, I just don't think I can handle one who needs attention from me for hours a day, ever day. I don't think I can handle going the rest of my life knowing I'll NEVER be able to write for days straight without stopping if I'm in the flow. Even if it means not making him dinner for a night or two. It's just something I need for myself and I'm not compromising it anymore.

Especially considering that it was taking too much time away from my writing when I was unemployed and now that I'm looking for a job again I know I'll have even less time to write--so I'll need the time I do have to be uninterrupted with NO complaints.

We'll see I guess. It's also possible that I'm just a solo person by nature and not really capable of having a partner. *shrug*


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## Bilston Blue (Feb 28, 2012)

My wife has no real interest in my writing, only that she's been really happy for me when I've told her on the couple of occasions I've had little things published, but she does respect my desire for privacy and some peace when I'm in the act, so to speak. She's even trained our daughter to knock and wait for permission to be granted for entry (her idea, not mine). When my wife interrupts me it is sometimes hard to get back into the flow, though there are occasions when it's a welcome relief. We have a great big tumble dryer in the room where I write, which requires the window to be opened for the pipe to trail out. In the winter this used to be an issue but I started drawing the curtains and keeping warm with the assistance of a cosy dressing gown. I find now the rumble of the dryer drowns the sounds from the rest of the house and helps my concentration. If my wife comes in and chats sometimes I'll ignore her and continue typing, she soon gets the message. I've recently started using a new retort, lifted from Finding Forrester; "It's hardly a soup question." 

All in all I'm quite selfish when it comes to splitting my time between writing and family, but I either want to do this successfully or not at all.


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## Chaeronia (Feb 28, 2012)

Living with non-writers is easy.  

I asked my Mrs last night and she said I was a breeze.


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## Foxee (Feb 28, 2012)

I think she's looking for reassurance and to be part of what you're doing. Yeah, she's choosing a lousy way and time to do it, I know the feeling of being ripped out of a great writing experience, it's one of the reasons I get very little writing done (I have kids, they don't give a flip if I'm on a roll).

Here's a shocking idea, try talking to her. Explain what it's like to have ideas rushing to all get out of your brain and onto the manuscript at once. Agree on some kind of signal, like maybe something that you sit on your desk when you're really on a roll (I don't know what kind of knickknacks you might have in your house...just pick one that's hard to miss) so that she'll know that right at the moment you really can't talk unless the house is on fire.

Locking her out with the 'do not disturb' sign would be effective, I guess, but it wouldn't fulfill the reason why she's coming to see you. Just explain what you need and be kind about it. If she doesn't know what this is like it's not like she'll suddenly realize it unless you tell her.


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## squidtender (Feb 28, 2012)

I read this thread to her (thank God I started it by saying how wonderful she was) and it's made a difference. She has been more understanding about waiting for me to initiate the conversation while I'm writing. She's admitted that sometimes it's hard to not say anything, because my current novel is on a subject that she loves, and any time she sees me smiling, or the random grunts and groans that I seem to make while I'm writing, she wants to know what's going on. But, she's one of my rewrite readers so I can't have her knowing anything about the story and I think it's killing her. LOL


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## Pallandozi (Aug 24, 2020)




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## MikeDwight (Sep 8, 2020)

My mother wrote "Brave Captive, Captive Brave" its available for google/Amazon purchase. If I was ever going to get that far into any writing, who knows, I mean I'd probably consult with them , opposite of the problem, actually.


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## Tettsuo (Sep 8, 2020)

I'm so lucky my wife was a magazine editor for a few years. She actually enjoys what I write, but will not read any of it until I've reviewed it at least three times. She knows I can't see the errors until I've had some time away from the piece.


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## Lee Messer (Sep 8, 2020)

Take that part of the movie in "The Shining" where she finds the pages that say "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", and loop it on your screen saver.


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## Amnesiac (Sep 8, 2020)

I write a lot of macabre, surreal, and sometimes, very strange and painful things. My wife does NOT read my writing. Ever. But she does my book covers, puts them up on amazon, and takes care of the marketing. It's a good partnership.


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## Lee Messer (Sep 8, 2020)

For that matter, I have only one family member who is supportive. The rest are dismissive at best. It's almost like I decided to be a lawyer or a politician. They treat me like a lost soul.

All of my friends know me though. They are supportive. I currently have no partner, but I'm just not really on the prowl right now, and haven't been. Too many consecutive crazy women in my life. I just keep finding them. I think I might be driving them crazy.... lol.

I don't have to be sorry, or worry what my sex partners think. They don't really care about who I am. Most I run into are transparent, and superficial... lol.

It's ok to be self-centered, don't get me wrong, but give someone else a chance... or at least try to act like it. That blank smile gets to be like a doll's face sometimes... it's creepy. Then they immediately change the subject. Sometimes I think they're taking classes on this stuff.


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## indianroads (Sep 8, 2020)

I'm lucky in that my wife is very supportive - however, she doesn't understand that even a small interruption takes me a while to return to the groove.


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## Lee Messer (Sep 9, 2020)

Interruptions to my writing seem to only slight my efforts. I'm not sure why. I seem to have a one-track mind when it comes to my work life, and am easily derailed. My second job, that being author, seems to be much more focused and oblivious. They actually have to pull me away from my work... even these posts. This is the culmination of my life's work as cliche as that is. I will not abide them. I am resolved. They are forced to flow around me. I am like a stone.


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## JJBuchholz (Sep 9, 2020)

This thread has given me motivation to highlight some of the various issues I have dealt with over the years while living with non-writers. 

1) My parents. I have been writing since the age of seven, but my parents (mostly my mother) never bothered to see this fully and perhaps help
push me towards it more forcefully at a much younger age. My writing was dismissed as silly scribble, even into my high school years when I was
really putting a lot of time and effort into my short fiction and such. Even when I started a novel in my last years of high school, they dismissed
it as a 'hobby' or 'fad'.

Even now, after I've been on my own for so long, written a litany of works, and even been published twice, my mother still dismisses it as a 
'hobby'. My father has become more receptive, but as a whole, not a lot has changed.

2) My ex-fiancee. Of all her failings, she was more supportive than most in the years we lived together before the split, but couldn't understand
why I would get so attached to what I was writing, and would sometimes give me a little grief if she got home from work on a later shift and saw
me typing away on my laptop. Of course I would stop and give her complete attention, but some nights while cuddling or watching a movie, I
would pose the odd question here and there to her about my writing, and she'd politely not answer or say something she knew I would want to
hear instead of providing an accurate answer.

I've lived alone for almost 12 years now, and have done the best writing of my life because of it. I'm not saying I want to be alone forever, as
I yearn to find love again and share my time with the right woman. I am saying that the clarity I have gotten from my solitude and being away
from non-writers has been invaluable.

-JJB


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## Taylor (Sep 9, 2020)

Haha great question!  My husband is my greatest fan and fully supports my writing.  He has worked in the past as an English professor, an editor and has also authored a number of books, so he totally gets it.  However, even as a fellow writer, he still walks in on occasion when I am writing, and says, "what do you want for lunch?" 

How to solve it?  I don't know.  The "Do Not Disturb" sign sounds tempting.  But what about those times when you are not really writing, and forget the sign is up?    Maybe there are welcome interruptions when they are from loved ones. After all, most people don't get to do their jobs without some sort of distraction.


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## Sir-KP (Sep 9, 2020)

I live with and in a circle of non-writers. Nobody knows I write, except a few select friends. They don't really care and I never update them either. (Honestly, I prefer it that way  )

Usually write in the morning or late night when there's less chance for interruption.


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## TheManx (Sep 9, 2020)

Thinking about abandoning my family to pursue my writing, because of all the interruptions and complaints about my “responsibilities.” 

Yes, there are pros and cons, but try not to judge me, fellow writers.


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## Lee Messer (Sep 10, 2020)

Taylor said:


> Haha great question!  My husband is my greatest fan and fully supports my writing.  He has worked in the past as an English professor, an editor and has also authored a number of books, so he totally gets it.  However, even as a fellow writer, he still walks in on occasion when I am writing, and says, "what do you want for lunch?"
> 
> How to solve it?  I don't know.  The "Do Not Disturb" sign sounds tempting.  But what about those times when you are not really writing, and forget the sign is up?    Maybe there are welcome interruptions when they are from loved ones. After all, most people don't get to do their jobs without some sort of distraction.



I envy you.


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## Taylor (Sep 10, 2020)

Lee Messer said:


> I envy you.



Keep looking...she's out there!


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