# September 2013 - LM - Don't Turn Out The Lights - Scores



## Fin (Sep 30, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Don’t Turn Out The Lights


We were one judge short this month and Leyline stepped up to the plate and filled in for him. Let’s hope the missing judge is well and great thanks goes to Leyline for filling in. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Pluralized, WechtleinUns, Charlaux and Leyline for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Pluralized**WechtleinUns**Charlaux**Leyline**Average**Luore - Darkness*1314151815*Dictarium*1616161616*InkwellMachine*016.51619.513*Bazz Cargo*1514.5171715.87*J Anfinson*1817141917*Ghosts of the Maze*1616141715.75*Bookmasta*01212149.5*Godofwine*1616161415.5*Iggi*01110169.25*Lewdog*1716131615.5*Pennywise - Cooking Up a Storm*149151413*ppsage - Phoenix Lite*1710171915.75*Pluralized*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry

In third place, we have *Bazz Cargo* with his entry *Excerpt in Development.*
In second, we have *Dictarium* with his entry *It Never Listens.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *J Anfinson* with his entry *Reconcile.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

Honored to be able to read and score everyone's great efforts. Really enjoyed reading each of them, and I did my utmost to score fairly and objectively. Many thanks to Fin and all involved.



* Anonymous
 “Darkness”
 Score: 13*

An interesting premise, and nice use of the prompt. There is some contrary motion and there are a few tense issues throughout the piece. Reads a bit melodramatic in the beginning, and there are places where the obvious is stated: “shutting the blinds…so the outside couldn’t see.” Also, the door creaked open, and it sounded like an explosion? The creaking would indicate a less-than-explosive sound.

The ending was dark, with a bit of deflation. However, there is some beauty in the breaking of the mirror and the line “It’s time to die again.”

More or less clean SPaG, though it did get clunky in spots due to the tense issues. Short sentences for apparent effect became rather staccato after a while. I’d suggest a hyphen here and there, particularly at “soul taking.”

A space missing:
The food,the souls >>> _food, the _

Overall, a dark story with a soul-eating premise that could be expanded upon and made into some fun horror. As it stands, it left me wanting a bit more organized pacing and structural cleanliness, but I enjoyed and appreciated your story.


*Dictarium
“It Never Listens”
Score: 16*

Cool story. The idea that the reflection he sees is such a malevolent allegorical antagonist really felt like a good use of the prompt. Enjoyed the story for the story’s sake, and although the ending felt mildly abrupt, it worked well enough.

The narrative voice grated somewhat, only because of the backing up and treading over the same repetitions. I think by focusing on maximum impact through repetition, you actually dilute the narrative somewhat. I kept wanting the pace through, but you’re making me read the same phrase again and again, which I felt didn’t serve your word count aspirations. Use those words to further develop the story, not to repeat yourself.

Pretty clean otherwise, with the exception of “continue” instead of “continued” in the first paragraph. Some unnecessary use of the word “as” also. 

Enjoyed this, and happy to have read it.


*Inkwell Machine
“Excision”
Disqualified – late edits*

Pains me to say this, but there’s a long-standing rule against editing your story after the ten minute grace period. Therefore, no score. Sorry man.

However, I’ll be glad to offer some opinions on the story, because I thought it absolutely brilliant. Horrific, hardcore, but brilliant!

You write with enviable flow and your dialogue is exceptionally natural. The inventive worlds you always create make me cringe and smile at the same time. This tumor-brother-thing is a fresh, inventive premise, and the furryfriends chomping away at the corpse in the dark made for some great horror.

The “trapped in a closet” thing had me channeling R. Kelly for some reason, and there are a couple of punctuation glitches toward the end (staringat, Crackedteeth [which you may have done stylistically, if so disregard], and hugs the package close “ should have a comma after “close”).

Thanks for entering, thanks for writing a great story, and I am sorry not to be able to score it.


*Bazz Cargo
“Excerpt in Development” 
Score 15*

A well-polished story, Bazz. Enjoyed the final scene, them rolling away in the silent stolen car. Felt a bit confused by the “Unhung” and “Ungung” but maybe that’s just sleep-talk.

Poor >>> pour

The sentence “*No-one* on the estate had a job that *wasn’t*…” felt like some double-negative action.

You’ve stirred the character pot, and your dialogue is good and realistic. Didn’t get the strongest jolt of prompt in this, but he’s laying there in the dark so I suppose that’s where the lights were off? That, or the dark night in which they steal the car? 

Thanks for entering; I enjoyed reading your story.


*J Anfinson
Reconcile
Score – 18*

One of my favorite words is “turd,” and you’ve used it well. Just the thought of being locked away in that bathroom is really effective and terrible, and I thought you moved things along in this story nicely. Strong and consistent voice here, which you should be pleased with.

The zombie-kid was great, although the poo-splatter indicates active digestion, so my inner nitpicker wondered from whence the excrement issued forth.

Just one nit that I found!

Superintendant >> Superintendent

(Also, you could have used a hyphen for “dirt encrusted.”)

Fun stuff, and a very decent story. Didn’t enjoy the “Bloody Mary” bit as much as I would have enjoyed, say, a zombie feast or some kind of poo-based humorous ending, but it was still solid. When the lights went out, I thought you nailed the prompt and created a good atmosphere, so thanks for that.


*Ghosts of the Maze
“Glimpse”
Score: 16*

Enjoyed the story. Most of the impact came from really being implanted in this Michael guy’s head, whether he was a ghost or Peeping Tom or just an ex with some kind of strong schizophrenic delusion. Any of those things work, I suppose. Thought the voice could have been more secure had we introduced Michael a bit better.

So Bethany is the object of Michael’s desire, and I kept wondering if he’s some kind of invisible entity, or looking in through the window. I didn’t get the speech, like who it emanated from and who it directed to.

A few nit-picky things, but pretty clean overall. There’s a strange, incomplete sentence near the beginning regarding freckles, and a few places I wanted a comma. Also, there’s a place you used “outlived its use” where I wanted “usefulness.” Aside from that, well-written and effective.

A bit confusing, just because I sometimes need to be led by the nose. Who was this guy, what was that last light that went out, and where is the tension? Solid use of the prompt and good, mostly-clean writing. Thanks!


*Bookmasta
“What Goes Bump in the Night”
Score: 0*

Man, I really can’t stand doing this again, but I must if we’re to maintain the strictures of the LM. You aren’t allowed to edit your entry past ten minutes, even if you don’t like the formatting. Therefore, you have no score.

That aside, you have a story that is pretty coherent, although there are numerous places where the speech punctuation is incorrect. The start of a dialogue sentence should be capitalized, and you’ve always started with lower-case letters. A few scattered grammar and spelling issues, like “the shook” and “I was be” and “figure of my imagination” were a distraction. There’s a use of “blood thirsty” and “bed time” when both of those should be compounded. Also, I’d recommend editing with your cliché monitor on. When I read “goes bump in the night” and “nails against a chalkboard” and “rearing its ugly head,” my eyes tend to glaze over. Not sure if all readers would feel this way, but it stuck out for me.

The story has a fable-quality in the end, and I think on many levels we could all relate to the kid facing this monster in the dark. Thanks for entering. I enjoyed reading your story and hope you’ll enter again. Sorry about the no-score.


*Godofwine
“Scratch, scratch, scratch” 
Score: 16*


A smooth enough read, and pretty well-written. Enjoyed the suspense and the scratching, which any kid would be terrified by.

SPaG wise, fairly clean, just a bit too adverb-y in places (sleepily, nervously, shyly, loudly, all occurring in quick succession). Also, there seem to be some tense issues with the beginning of the story trying to incorporate the pluperfect (his mother ‘had’ said, etc.). I wanted “9” to be “nine.”

Not sure if center-justification was a stylistic choice or not, but as a reader it made for a funky presentation. I’m guessing that was just a copy/paste glitch?

Overall, I found it to be easy reading, a bit disappointed with the “gotcha” ending, especially since you chose the word “gotcha” to use in the ending line. However, there is a lot to like here, and the storytelling potential of the writer is revealed fairly well. Thanks for entering, and I hope to read more from you.


*Iggi
“A Love Story” 
Score: 0*

The fact that I have to give you no score pains me, as I enjoyed reading this. The fact that the narrator married the “trollop” after such denigration seemed to let a bit of air out of the story, as did the tacked-on prompt. There are some clunky spots in the narrative, and the overuse of exclamation marks stood out at me.

That being said, there is a story here and it does a very respectable job of creating these characters within such a short word count. Hope to see more of your work, and thanks for entering. Again, sorry about the “donut,” we aren’t allowed to edit stories past the ten minute grace period.


*Lewdog
“A Love Story”
Score: 17*

I thought this story was really good, for the most part. The narration of this man’s hospital-conundrum is well-told, and a unique take on the premise. Enjoyed reading it.

For some reason, starting out the story with “I awakened” felt wrong, although you did a good job of getting out of the fresh-waking and moving through the narrative. There’s a very decent amount of tension in this story, and for the most part it’s maintained well. The reference to Ashton Kutcher was surprising to see, as normally that sort of thing gets hacked out to make the word count. 

The ending, where we “queue” Scott Bakula – since I have no idea who that is, my understanding of the intended effect is minimized. Also, I think “cue” would be the proper word here. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on the reference to this guy, and I will say that the story shows skill and care in the presentation. Enjoyed it, and sorry for not getting the ending. I get the feeling it’s either somebody really obscure, or someone famous enough that I should have known. I’ll forego the Google so you can enlighten me.


*Pluralized
Doin’ Dark Stuff
Judge Entry*


*Anonymous
“Cooking up a Storm”
Score: 14*

The story interested me right away, as I love reading about other cultures and religions.  I found Salim and his Ridge Gourd to be fascinating.

The story comes across as if through a filter, with many instances of punctuation and language bumps, but to be honest, I thought the voice was pretty benevolent and interesting nonetheless.  The “clean chit” was a bit of an education; nice use of that one.

The prompt sort of bookends the piece, and I can’t tell whether it was tacked on as an afterthought, or if the story was written toward it. Either way, a unique piece of work and quite enjoyable as it stands. Thanks for entering.


*Anonymous
“Phoenix Lite”
Score: 17*

Not sure how the prompt really works in this piece, but I can say it was quite a story. Some real vocabulary at work, and thoughts strung together longer than most can carry my attention. Verbose, over-wrought, but still somehow charming with a tongue-in-cheek playfulness. The story itself is jaunty, doesn’t always feel coherent, but there are places throughout where I just marveled at the clever writing. Especially the “yanks,” and their funky speech. Pretty well done there. I didn’t get much in the way of “effect,” although I found the voice to be solid and exceptionally strong.  

The opening paragraph is killer. Not sure what to make of the Wagner choice; probably some horrid C&W would make for quite an image of the black jumpers, such as Willie or Johnny or Toby or some such.

Perestrokan >>>> Perestroikan

Not much to pick on here; well done. A crazy tale, somehow involving the writing forum itself, which was an unexpected and rather amusing entry. Thanks for participating.

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=WechtleinUns’ scores]

*Anonymous
“Darkness”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 4/5
EFFECT: 6/10
Score: 14*

A standard story about imprisonment and revenge. The main character is held hostage by a vampire/creature who killed his wife. The story plays out to a predictable end, though I love the way you incorporated the prompt into the story. The inversion of "Don't turn out the lights" into "Keep them on." really felt right to me.


I think that I'd like to know why Tara Turned the main character instead of killing him. I'm sure there's a reason, but it seems to never surface. I'd definitely like to know, though. 


*Dictarium
“It Never Listens”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 7/10
Score: 16*


Wow. Now that's a story. It captured the atmosphere of panic well, and I'd probably be a bit freaked out if my reflection started to develop a mind of its own as well. I just keep thinking that the main character has seen some really weird stuff in his day. And it all ends up with a rather gruesome end.


I like it. >


*Inkwell Machine
“Excision”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 7.5/10
Score: 16.5*

Oh... this was creepy. Like, really creepy. I think making Tabatha a ghost was a nice touch, though certain things were a little strange to me. For example, why is a ghost an orderly at the hospital? And if everyone else is a ghost as well, then is the young boy alive? Or is he a ghost as well, being "checked in," if you know what I mean?


The ghostliness of the orderly is a really nice touch, but I think it could be a little bit more thought out. For example, Tabatha floats towards the boy when she approaches, but the stumbles on her way out. Also, you have sentences like "Blood drained from her face," which don't seem very ghost-like.


I think, if tabatha had just been a regular hospital orderly, then the story would work just as well, and there'd be no ghost-distractions from the very creepy nature of this little boy. (^.^)


*Bazz Cargo
“Excerpt in Development”
SPAG:4/5
TONE: 4/5
EFFECT: 6.5/10
Score: 14.5*


... this was weird. I get the felling that there's a lot more going on than you had space for. This kind of makes sense, considering the title you gave the entry. Also, the theme seems to be the inversion of the prompt. Much of the time, lights are avoided by the, I can only assume, Russian KGB operative(which is actually pretty cool, by the way).


It's a very intriguing piece that is definitely not polished, but I think you know that, so that's good.


*J Anfinson
“Reconcile”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 8/10
Score: 17*


A tight little story. It flows smoothly, and has a consistent and good 
atmosphere. The ending is very nice, and puts everything into perspective. None of these stories have the quality of Tolstoy, but yours is nicely polished. Six marks, lad.


*Ghosts of the Maze
“Glimpse”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 7/10
Score: 16*

She doesn't know that he's watching her, does he? He stalking her, which is why you titled the piece "glimpse," isn't it? There's a very intense feeling throughout this short story. The main character, Michael, is sad and pathetic, of course. But yet, I get the feeling that more people can identify with this kind of sadness today than in years previous. For that reason alone, I'd say that this is a publishable story.


*Bookmasta
“What Goes Bump in the Night”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 3/5
EFFECT: 5/10
Score: 12*

The moral at the end of this story kind of makes it lukewarm. In fact, nothing really happens in this story. The child is afraid of a monster in his closet, and his parents don't believe him. Hell, I don't believe him. I don't know. I feel this story could have been better than it was.


*Godofwine
“Scratch, scratch, scratch…”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 7/5
Score: 16*

Oh, this was delicious. I laughed out loud upon reading the ending. This was just beautiful. Well done. Well done. I really enjoyed it. ^.^


*Iggi
“A Love Story”
SPAG: 3/5
TONE: 3/5
EFFECT: 5/10
Score: 11*

This has the potential to be a very good short story. Unfortunately, it is marred by poor presentation and a fragmented voice and narrative. I get what you were trying to accomplish here, but the story just isn't done well enough to get a higher score.


*Anonymous
“Phoenix Lite”
SPAG: 3/5
TONE: 3/5
EFFECT: 4/10
Score: 10*


I am sorry to say that I was unable to discern any meaning behind the elaborate and highly contrived diction you have employed to compose this short piece of writing. Perhaps you should consider developing a more finely tuned sense of propriety when considering the usage of a particular set of terminology? It does well to know and understand an extended set of verbage, but only if you can employ the terms consistently within the range and format of your work? Understand? Good. Because I certainly didn't.


*Lewdog
”Do the Lights Really go Out?”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 5/5
EFFECT: 7/10
Score: 16*

Hm. This one has me thinking. Clearly, the doctors didn't have the medical technology to know he was alive. I imagine that the man is a vegetable, and that he was giving no signs of life until 5 minutes before they pull the plug.


Dang. That really sucks.


*Pluralized
“Doin' Dark Stuff”
Judge Entry*

...


You're not going to get a good score. I can tell you that right now. But you've got a right to know why, at the very least.


Is there crime at the Texas Border? Of course. But if you're going to write a short piece about drug trafficking across Juarez into El Paso, you can at least try to be accurate. Especially if one of the Judges is of Hispanic Heritage and lives in San Antonio, TX.


Several issue arose from this piece. Here are a few:


"we can just walk across, know what I mean, puto?"


You don't use the word puto in this context. The proper term would be guey. Furthermore, no, they can't just walk across. You'd have to be insane to try and walk from northern Mexico into Texas. It's a big place. You might as well try to walk across the Sonora Desert. You've havek about the same chances of surviving.


Also, "ese" is outdated and no longer part of the local latino slang, at least not in my area(again, see "guey"). It might still be in use down by Laredo, but I sincerely doubt it. "ese, vato, pachuco," these are examples of 30's slang words that were in movies like "zoot suit," but are hardly heard these days. Certainly not in a modern context.


Wiping the brow with a bandana, street food at the bridge, a black impala... all these details are taken straight from movies. That's not to say that they don't actually have these things in the area, but it doesn't seem like you've put any effort into developing details beyond hollywood cliches.


"Pinche Gringo" ...um, no. In this case, it would be, "Pinche Cabron". You could also ust say "Gringo," but Pinche Gringo sounds awkward. Enough about the cussing. The real issue with this is the "drug" element of the story. Are there drugs that cross the border? Of Course. But the drug trade is hardly as disorganized and sloppy as you have made it out to be here. The drug trade is a *multi-billion* dollar industry, and it is run with all the precision and professionalism that requires. Corpses don't cook in black impalas for three days, etc. Furthermore drugs aren't the major export across the Juarez border.


In fact, drugs no longer come in through Juarase/El Paso as they used to. Today, larger ports of entry exist near Houston and along the Gulf Coast. Although Juarez still has a gun-running trade, but that's in the opposite direction. Are you familiar with FX's *The Bridge*? I get the feeling that you've watched it. It seems like your short story has that sort of vibe to it. At the same time, I can not be certain, so I apologize if I have made that assumption wrongly.


Oh, one last thing: If you've ever been to a Bridge Border crossing, your stomach probably wouldn't be growling for street-vender food. The air is so thick and clogged with CO2 that I'd doubt you'd be able to smell an enchilada a foot from your face.



*Anonymous
“Cooking up a Storm”
SPAG: 4/5
TONE: 4/5
EFFECT: 1/10
Score: 9*

...


...


...


There are places in both india and pakistan where people are this uneducated. But they are not along the India-Pakistani border. There are places where people believe in "black magic," but not along the India-Pakistani border. There are people who freely admit to opium usage, but they do not live along the India-Pakistani border.


There are Imams that pronounce fatwas, but they do not pronounce them against fruit. There are people along the India-Pakistani border with electricity, but they do not leave them on. People do not always end up in a Pakistani Jail, but when they do, they stay longer than 2 months. People aren't always release, but when they do, they are rarely strong enough to walk.


News Channels don't always report on Pakistan/India border tensions, but when they do, the reporting is about bombing in Kashmir. Not edible, magic voodoo snakes.


I was going to give "Doin' Dark Stuff" the lowest score, but this is clearly more deserving of that title. I am gravely sorry.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Charlaux’s scores]

*Anonymous
“Darkness"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15
*

Well written, strong use of the first person to convey atmosphere but at times a bit abrupt when the sentences became choppy. The narrator’s tone was consistent but I felt it could have been improved with more emotion – he talks very matter of factly about his intention to die. Perhaps that’s the characters thing, but I think especially for a short piece, more fear, loathing or anger about dying could have developed this piece further. 


*Dictarium
“It Never Listens”
 Spelling/grammar: 3
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16* 

Some grammar and spelling mistakes but I found the idea intriguing (if a little confusing at first as I wondered if it was the same person or himself – intentional?). At times there are redundant bits of sentences that could be cut for efficiency, especially as the story has a lack of background info to tell us what got the narrator here, but you certainly paint a creepy scenario in this piece and it has impact. 


*InkwellMachine
“Excision”
Spelling/grammar: 5
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 7 
Overall: 16*

Weeell… that was eerie! Very well done at creeping me out. The dialogue in this is excellent, that’s all I can say on that really, and you get the amount of backstory exposure spot on to keep this a spooky mystery. I admit to being a bit confused about the ghost element – are they all ghosts then, the boy included? 


*Bazz Cargo
“Excerpt in Development” 
Spelling/grammar: 5
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:  17*

A very good twist at the end that had me rereading the story again and it really was something I wasn’t expecting that at the same time didn’t have to go out of its way to be a surprise. You got a lot of those small details that make a domestic scene ‘its own’, inimitable, and immersive. 


*J Anfinson
“Reconcile”
Spelling/grammar: 4
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:  14*

This was a strange one – reading it, I had the impression that there was three individual stories in there. Just as I was following the track of one, another would emerge suddenly and the story took a sharp corner. Some of the descriptive sentences are passive, and if you made them active you could strengthen the present tense which flickers out like the lights, at points. You use character well and I did empathise with him… at first, anyway 


*Ghosts of the Maze
“Glimpse”
Spelling/grammar: 4
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:  14*

I liked the character-driven nature of this piece, effective use of detail to show personality, but I was still unclear what had happened at the end. Was he a vampire from work, following her and watching her at home?


*Bookmasta
“What Goes Bump in the Night”
Spelling/grammar: 4
Tone/voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall:  12*

Consistent style, and not many grammar mistakes, but the description in this one had too many common adjectives, and conformed to my existing expectations of childhood/cupboard monsters and so kept the story a little flat and predictable in my eyes. I’d have liked a twist.


*Godofwine
‘Scratch, scratch, scratch’ 
Spelling/grammar: 4
Tone/voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall:  16*

Really enjoyed this. Your dialogue and description made me smile and gave it the sparkle of horror comedy – good structure, you build this story up very well, so that it keeps surprising and unfolding right up to the last sentence. 


*Iggi
"A Love Story"
Spelling/grammar: 3
Tone/voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall:  10*

Clear style with few errors, but I didn’t see how this one was written for the prompt, and some of the sentences jarred and were telling, and not showing. The tone was also… strange  – a lot of the description gave me the impression of it being a jokey/comedy piece, but it was at odds with the story which felt inconclusive.


*Lewdog
“Do the lights really go out?”
Spelling/grammar: 5
Tone/voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 13*

Very effective first sentence and intro, you got right into the scene and I liked the eyes opening at the end – nicely done. However I felt that this piece lacked detail – again I’d want to know or at least have a few hints about what happened to him. Even if he doesn’t know, having a nurse there who is unfamiliar with him is a good opportunity to drop a few clues in and build up the picture and the backstory that I feel is lacking here. 


*Pluralized
“Doin’ Dark Stuff”
Judge Entry*

Strong use of tone and voice to effortlessly conjure a scene. Some of the dialogue was a bit intelligible to me - but in a way that also added to the authenticity of the conversation. Liked the spin on the prompt.


*Anonymous entry
“Cooking up a storm”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 15*

Found this one bizarre – but not in a bad way. An interesting, almost dreamlike tone and an unexpected look at the contest brief. Was the lack of light what caused the trouble, by helping him to disappear? Or is it just a phrase said by a character, by chance? Either way, I did enjoy it. The ‘zooming’ out into the wider impact on society was interesting, even if it felt a bit shaky at certain moments with so much detail piled on to such a small story. Shame the grammar and spelling kept the overall score down, I’d like to have scored it higher. 


*Anonymous entry
“Pheonix Lite”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

Great idea, well executed, full points for a distinctive voice well thought out. Close focus on detail but a big idea and I love these sort of superhero vs. supervillain comic style genre of stories. Made me smile, and the Yanks line made me laugh aloud.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*Anonymous
"Darkness"
SCORE: 18*

Very clean and precise SPaG. My only real problem with this are the quite passive tone for such an emotional recounting, and that I'd have wished for a wee bit more characterization for both the protag and his nemesis. Otherwise, this was an excellent piece of horror flash, tightly written, structured and presented. Excellent work!


*Dictarium
"It Never Listens"
SCORE: 16*

Excellent SPaG, and the tone is consistent. But you quite lost me on effect, I'm afraid. The repetition grates for me as a reader, and the entire story (though a complete and nicely enclosed story it is) spends its entirety describing someone making facial expressions and turning off a light switch. You have, in my opinion, improved steadily since you first joined the forum, but this one -- I'm sad to say -- just didn't quite work for me.


*InkwellMachine
"Excision"
SCORE: 19.5*

Whoa. Fancreepatastic! A superb combination of visceral yet distanced horror, pathos and dread. I would have given it a perfect score except that I felt you should have separated the scene breaks with at least an extra line of space (I stumbled over them on first read which harmed immersion, something vital to horror fiction, especially in this short of a presentation) and -- compared to the rest -- I felt the ending was a bit weak. Needed more of a chill to go with the sympathy. Still, great stuff, and you shouldn't have much problem selling this. I have some market suggestions if you want them.


*bazz cargo
"Excerpt in development"
SCORE: 17*

I'm assuming this is an excerpt? Very well written as usual, bazz, and extremely intriguing. SPaG was tight and the tone a lovely combination of the strange and the warmly domestic. Excellent character work. It didn't really work for me as a story, but I'm guessing it really isn't supposed to. I'd love to read the rest of this someday


*J. Anfinson
"Reconcile"
SCORE: 19*

The best thing I've read from you yet, J.! Really well done: the classic horror set up pulled off flawlessly. Tightly plotted, beautifully (i.e. disgustingly -- the feces in the sink was an excellent touch!) presented, and your MC was well drawn. The first paragraph could use some polishing (the repetition of 'wheel' words caused me to stumble a bit. And I think the last sentence would read smoother with a simple 'had' rather than 'would have.' Your ending was fine, earning the use of the urban legend by setting itself up as an urban legend itself, though I have to admit I was disappointed that it wasn't something entirely original. Still, fantastic job!


*Ghosts Of The Maze
"Glimpse"
SCORE: 17*

On a prose level, this is quite fine. The SPaG and tone are top-notch. The writing is poetic and flows well, and I like the introspective nature of the narrators voice. But I didn't quite get what was going on. Was he a room-mate that's being ignored? Just a guy imagining things? A stalker outside her building fantasizing? I have no problem with ambiguity so long as it serves a purpose, but I didn't quite catch it here, which may well be my own fault. Still, this is a beautifully written piece, just somewhat opaque to me.


*bookmasta
"What Goes Bump In The Night"
SCORE: 14*

Very tough to judge this one because of the formatting problems (which also happen to the next entry, posted on the same day, when the forum was experiencing problems) so I will not hold those against you. It's tough because it throws off the flow of the story. I saw a few SPaG nits, but my main problem with the story itself is that it seems to lack a point. Telling kids that they should leave the lights on strikes me as funny and subversive, though -- the kind of thing I like in a story. I hope to see more work from you soon, so that I can judge it without second guessing myself!


*Godofwine
"Scratch, scratch, scratch..."
SCORE: 14*

See entry above for my understanding of the format errors. This one was...odd. You built up the tension nicely, and it was pretty well written, but the ending just annoyed me. What a jerk that dad was! I imagine his wife beating him with a frying pan afterwards. "Just come down to the kitchen with me, hon..." I was left thinking about things like that rather than your story.


*Iggi
"A Love Story"
SCORE: 16*

I quite like this story, for several reasons: it has an odd tone that pleases me, and I love the theme of "you can't go home again." That said, your language is at times clumsy -- I'm thinking especially of the paragraph about the stories that James doesn't tell, and sadly, it really doesn't fit with the prompt at all, though I know you tried. (BTW, no editing the entries after 10 minutes, it's a rule.)


*Lewdog
"Do The Lights Really Go Out?"
SCORE: 16*

A few nits: 'Queue' should be 'cue,' was the biggie. As usual for you, this is written well, with a fine flow and pace. I, personally, like the jokey tone contrasting with the rather horrific events -- it made the story stand out. The prompt is used interestingly. But the ending really left me unsatisfied, because it was exactly what I expected as soon as the 'pull the plug' twist was revealed -- including the going to hell instead of heaven. 


*Pluralized
"Doin' Dark Stuff"
Judge Entry*

Really well written -- superb voice, both narrative and character, fine balance between exposition and dialogue. The twist was good, but I could have wished for a bit more foreshadowing, with the gringo perhaps feeling a little smug over something earlier in the story, to make the payoff at the end a bit more revelatory. I also think the prompt felt a bit tacked on. All in all, though, this was a terrific little slice of almost-South-of-the-border hard-boiled. 


*Anonymous
"Cooking Up A Storm"
SCORE: 14*

Many punctuation mistakes, mostly concerning commas. I think there's an interesting story here -- about how communities, large and small, can be torn apart by misinformation or plain old ignorance, but this mostly reads like the summary of that story. There are some interesting characters here, with well-sketched personalities, but they seem to only appear on the periphery of that summarized action. The language is often clumsy, but it sometimes sings. I think you have the makings of a much longer -- and very good -- story here, if you give it the space and care it deserves. 


*Anonymous
Phoenix Lite
SCORE: 19*

I loved the humor, including the parodic voice recognition that mimics stereotypical American accents. Loved that the mission was undone by that very same cranky VRS. I quite enjoyed the convoluted language and thick style, reminding me as it did of similar SF language 'revolutions' going back to the 60's New Wave. All in all a terrifically entertaining and re-readable piece. My only problems were that if felt quite summarized in places, and that the overtly comical names were somewhat distracting, pulling me out of a story that -- although humorous -- was mostly realistic otherwise. Great work!


[/spoiler2]


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## Dictarium (Sep 30, 2013)

Considering how well Inkwell would've (hypothetically) scored, I'm not quite sure that I deserve Second on this one. But whatever. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. The repetition was really just to signify (at least with the "he did as his reflection had done") the MC giving into the reflection (Depression) and letting it control him rather than him controlling it (as one normally does with one's reflection), but I can see how it got a little played out and excessive. I kept reading it to myself out loud - which was really fun - and really liked the slow building of tension over the repeated sentences but I s'pose that was just me and clearly that didn't come across in the final product.


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## WechtleinUns (Sep 30, 2013)

You're improving very quickly, Dictarium. I wouldn't be surprised if you get top spot in a few more.  Also, congratulations on 1st Place, J Anfinson.


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## J Anfinson (Sep 30, 2013)

Thank you WechtleinUs. And thank you judges. Truthfully I'm in shock. I was hoping for maybe 3rd, but looks like today is my lucky day. I'm sure I'd have been beat if not for the disqualifications.

Oh, and Charlaux: You're right about this being a longer, more complex story. At least, it was. The first draft was over a thousand words, and I had a heck of a time editing it down. I think I just about destroyed it in doing so. I'm glad to see I didn't break it as bad as I thought I did. I can honestly say I've never had so much trouble in editing anything to date as this one.


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## Ghosts of the Maze (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks for the review everybody. Was scared when the site went down at the deadline that I wouldn't get to share.


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## escorial (Sep 30, 2013)

well done JA some stiff comp there.


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## Pluralized (Sep 30, 2013)

Congratulations, J Anfinson! Great work. Congrats also to Dictarium and Bazz as runners up. 

Leyline and Charlaux - many thanks for reading my story and for your comments. I like entering as a judge, since I can get silly with it and not have to worry about a score.


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## InkwellMachine (Sep 30, 2013)

Ahhh, looks like I'll have to be a bit more vigilant about the rules in the future. Shame I missed that bit about editing, there. But no harm done. Plenty of LMs to come--plenty of opportunities to follow the rules and get in on the scoring.

I was surprised by the originality of a lot of the entries. I was worried that we'd see scores of "monster under the bed" stories, but there were plenty of other lovely themes to read through. 

Lovely LM. Fair judging. Congratulations to J Anfinson, Dictarium, and Bazz on the fine entries.


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## bookmasta (Oct 1, 2013)

Ouch. I should have put a lot more effort into my short story rather than just typing it all at the last minute. The format however, was a huge pain since it grouped up words in certain areas and caused a few other inconveniences. Its back to the drawing board I suppose...


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## FleshEater (Oct 1, 2013)

Congratulations to all who placed! 

JAnifinson, I told you that was a solid story!


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## bazz cargo (Oct 2, 2013)

Darkness
 Creepy. Very Halloween.

It never listens.
 Strongly written but ultimately  confusing.

Excision
 Clever, imaginative and gruesome.

Reconcile
 Disgusting. A zombie with a personal mission.

Glimpse  
 A ghost with stalking tendencies.  

What Goes Bump in the Night  
 A bit 'Monster's inc meets Sixth Sense.' Well written but the presentation could do with improving.

Scratch, scratch, scratch…
 Completely mad and enjoyable. The part where mother severely injures the dumb dad with a skillet  was left out. And the presentation is in need of attention; I thought it was a poem for half the read.

A Love story
 Inside this is a good two, maybe three thousand word, story. As it is, it reads more as an outline.  

"Do the Lights Really Go Out?"
 A good try. I liked the balance of dark humor and chilling fear.

Doin' Dark Stuff 
 A tight fit, squeezing this epic into the 650 count; it would make a good jumping off point for a larger work.

Cooking up a storm
 This is an odd one. Joint favorite. The grammar lends itself to an ESL telling the tale; a brave move.

Phoenix Lite
 This is another odd one. Joint favorite. At first I thought it was a very well educated ESL but there are too many clever touches. It also has my favorite three words: 'He Excoriates Minions.'

 Congratulations to J Anfinson (nepotism strikes again!)
 and to Dictarium And...Me?

 Everyone who took part was a winner. Congratulations all.

  A big thank you to the judges, especially Leyline.  

 Pluralized.
 Don't turn out the lights! Why not? Bogeymen? Zombies? Or in my case, a moonlight flit. I just happen to be tinkering with this section of my WIP and thought it would be a good fit. Yes it is early in development but the feedback on how well the dialogue is working has been invaluable.

 I have to admit, afterward I had posted I was feeling a bit like a nude parachutist who has just noticed the landing zone is in a porcupine sanctuary.

 WechtleinUns.
 Don't turn out the lights! Why not? The dark is so much better at hiding things.  

 It is an early draft. KGB? I shall keep you in the dark...

 Charlaux.
 Thank you. I'm glad the relationship is portrayed with enough clarity.

 Leyline.
 This needs some further detailing and something else to add zing. At least the feel came over as intended.

 One day I will finish the story and then you may read it, if you still wish.


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## Ghosts of the Maze (Oct 2, 2013)

bazz cargo said:


> Glimpse
> A ghost with stalking tendencies.



Close. Just a stalker. A lot of people on this site default to the supernatural option which is cool, because I want people from different backgrounds reading my stuff, but I just deal in the real.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 3, 2013)

> *Originally posted by Ghosts Of The Maze.* Close. Just a stalker.


 Just goes to show how I read your intention incorrectly. Possibly I was mislead by your Avatar name, which is excellent by the way.  

I look forward to reading more of your stuff. See ya in the lists.


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## Ghosts of the Maze (Oct 4, 2013)

Understandable. And thank you.


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## Pluralized (Oct 6, 2013)

bazz cargo said:


> Doin' Dark Stuff
> A tight fit, squeezing this epic into the 650 count; it would make a good jumping off point for a larger work.


Thanks Bazz - appreciate you reading it!




> I have to admit, afterward I had posted I was feeling a bit like a nude parachutist who has just noticed the landing zone is in a porcupine sanctuary.


I'll remember that, thank you for being honest. I've tried really hard to not be overly-critical and at least find something positive in every story, since this is for fun, after all. I will continue to work on the tone of my comments. Sorry!


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## bazz cargo (Oct 13, 2013)

> *Originally posted by Pluralized.* I'll remember that, thank you for being honest. I've tried really hard  to not be overly-critical and at least find something positive in every  story, since this is for fun, after all. I will continue to work on the  tone of my comments. Sorry!


 There is no need to be sorry. You have walked the fine line between honesty and brutality with style. 

*Warning! Reminiscing ahead* 

When I first took part in the LM I was terrified. After all, I was just a lowly newbie and playing in the sand pit with the big kids was probably going to end in floods of tears. Yet, here I am many thousands of years later still building castles and, may I dare say, a lot better at writing. I have toughened up now and have a feeling for what I do that protects me from the harshest of critiques. And then... I go and put an excerpt from my WIp in, and suddenly I'm back to the beginning. Strange how perspectives change. 

I have tried judging and I know how difficult and rewarding it can be. I tip my hat to you and your fellow judges for the sterling work you have done. Thank you.

And congratulations on your recognition.

*Reminiscing over*


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## Lewdog (Oct 25, 2013)

Thanks to all the judges for their time.  Pluralized, Scott Bakula is the main actor from the television show "Quantum Leap," and at the end of each seen when he jumps from one person to another, as soon as he understands the new situation he is in, he says, "Oh boy..."


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## godofwine (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks to all the judges, I have no idea why it went to center for the whole thing, I thought I did it just for the title. Oh well. I had fun writing it. Building fear where there was nothing to be fearful of was a big part of what I was trying to do. Add to it the fact that any child would have been just as terrified by such events made it believable, as well. I want to give you a little without giving away too much. Too many stories and movies are predictable that I didn't want to fall into that mode. There was absolutely only one way to tell the ending from the content and that was the context clue of the dog in the beginning, but even if the reader had been able to see that they would have never been able to map the end without taking my GPS. 

I did get too adverb-y in places, didn't realize that when I did it, but I need the practice for my own novel that I am working on. Adverbs are fine, just not in such close succession, I get that. Man if tense doesn't give me trouble every time  My novels, I'm working on three of them, are very complex stories, all fiction, one fantasy, one revenge based, and another a love story. If I can retrieve the story that I have in my head and put it to paper they will be great. Contests like this only help, an critiques help me even more. It was fun.


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