# Crossroads Cafe by Rodney Sam[ Rough Draft] 2016



## sambot79 (Feb 3, 2016)

Death came into a bar one night, sat at the counter and asked for a stiff drink. He laid his staff on the chair next to him and stared mindlessly into his glass. It was a tough night. The city was in anguish. Even though death had been doing his job for thousands of years with no problems, tonight was the first of many nights he actually thought of his life before the Gods made him into the grim reaper [the herald of death, the dark one,etc..It sucks being the bringer of gloom]. His life then was so free. He didn't have to explain himself to all the lost souls who cursed him. He wasn't responsible for their deaths. He was only the messenger.

  "Hey, buddy, did you come out of a freak show or something? Halloween was over months ago.", said the burly, bald, fat man sitting next to death on the barstool. "You don't look good."

  "Yeah, it's been a rough night", said Death without looking at the man. 
  " You look like you’ve  been  to Hell and Back. Want a smoke?” the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumbled case of Marlboros. 
  "No thanks.” said Death waving his hand.
  The fat man smiled. "I don't blame you. These things will be the death of me one of these days."
  Indeed. Exactly six years from now, thought Death. He hated the fact that he knew the exact place, time and day of demise of everyone he encountered on his daily visits.  Death finished his glass and left the money on the table. He fixed his robe and picked up his long staff. 

“Everything will get better in the morning, buddy.” The cigarette smoking fat man said from the barstool.

“Hopefully, Jack. It will. Go easy on the cigarettes will ya.”, Said Death.

The fat man nearly chocked on his cigarette.

“How did you know my name?!  Have I met you before?”

Death smiled. “No, just a lucky guess.  You look like a Jack.”

Death walked slowly out the bar into the dark, gloomy streets of the city, collecting souls to guide them into the Shadow Lands.

Jack watched Death until he disappeared with a feeling of confusion and small hint of fear in his eyes. He turned around towards the bar and looked at the bartender. The Bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked to the back. Jack took the cigarette out his mouth and stared at it for a few moments before extinguishing its flames in an ashtray on the counter.


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## bdcharles (Feb 4, 2016)

With this, can you summarise what happens other than an encounter with a guilt-ridden Death that makes a smoker stub out his cigarette. What is special or different or otherwise arresting about this moment, in your mind, that commands it be written. I'm not asking you these questions as such, but putting them to you to think about when constructing your own story. They're only clear in my mind because I am at that stage of writing too. Maybe when Death walks out of the bar he snaps his fingers and a would-be mugger falls down dead, or something. How does Death change? A drink at the bar and everything is right again, Death's feeling good and is a positive(-ish) force after all. You could frame this short piece as a fable or morality/cautionary tale. 

Some of the descriptions are a bit ... adjectival; eg: "the burly, bald, fat man" "The fat man smiled" so maybe just tighten those up. Good luck


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## sambot79 (Feb 4, 2016)

Thanks for your review. I didn't think of a conclusion for the  story since it's a bit of a draft. But, you are right. I need to add a conclusion and show how the main character changes. The part of writing that is difficult for me is coming up with a middle and conclusion. I guess cutting adjectives would be helpful because I have a tendency to overdo it.


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## bdcharles (Feb 4, 2016)

^ No problem. I do exactly the same!


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## 20oz (Feb 8, 2016)

Death walking into a bar. It's an intriguing premise. It reminds me of other similar stories--God and the Devil talking in a caf_é_ or a mysterious stranger who, upon leaving, has hooved legs.

What I enjoyed the best was the subtlety in your writing. The "less is more" approach worked for your benefit in the story, whether or not it was an accident.



> “Everything will get better in the morning, buddy.” The cigarette smoking fat man said from the barstool.
> 
> “Hopefully, Jack. It will. Go easy on the cigarettes will ya.”, Said Death.
> 
> ...



Your interpretation of Death is not my favourite. When I think of Death, I picture an entity who demands respect, who has wisdom and elegance. Regardless how I feel about Death--it's all preference anyways so take it with a grain of salt--your Death perfectly fits in with the story. Another cog in the grand design.

As for being a "rough draft", I've seen worse. You still need to fix it up though. :emmersed:


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## callanb (Feb 8, 2016)

I like this idea of "casual Death" very much. He's tired, he's had this job a long time. I can't imagine extinguishing life everyday for thousands of years would still have that same bite to it, so his edges aren't as sharp anymore.

For me, the strongest aspect of this is the opener - the way death is set up as more or less a regular person with a few more burdens than most is great.

I think you could cut some unnecessary words that are probably best left implied though, ie:



> _ He turned around towards the bar.__ and looked at the bartender__. The Bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked to the back. _



I really like the idea and setup a lot, this is the kind of plot that really has a great potential to be fleshed out into something bigger.


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## DarkSunshine (Feb 8, 2016)

sambot79 said:


> Death came into a bar one night, sat at the counter, and asked for a stiff drink. He laid his staff on the chair next to him and stared mindlessly into his glass. It was a tough night. The city was in anguish. Even though death had been doing his job for thousands of years with no problems, tonight was the first of many nights he actually thought of his life before the gods made him into the Grim Reaper [the herald of death, the dark one, etc..It sucks being the bringer of gloom]. His life then was so free. He didn't have to explain himself to all the lost souls who cursed him. He wasn't responsible for their deaths. He was only the messenger.
> 
> "Hey, buddy, did you come out of a freak show or something? Halloween was over months ago.(replace this period with a comma and remove the other comma next to the quotation mark.)", said the burly, bald, fat man sitting next to death on the barstool. "You don't look good."



Few grammatical errors, but overall, I enjoyed reading this very much! 
Remember that for quotes, they follow this structure:
"I really hate you all," the boy muttered.

Still, loved it!


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## sambot79 (Feb 25, 2016)

Thanks! I see I got some work to do with it. All the advice is highly valued.


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## sambot79 (Feb 25, 2016)

I was sort going for a disgruntled death. Perhaps I can make him bored. Perhaps he is just now experiencing some existential crisis.


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## loulou59loujodry (Mar 12, 2016)

I liked it!  Got sucked into the story so that is a good sign.  For a rough draft, I thought it was great.  Technically or grammatically I did not see problems.

Good Luck!
loulou59


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