# Scores: August 2020 LM - The New Normal



## Harper J. Cole (Sep 1, 2020)

It's results time! Let's see which of you made victory the new normal in our August challenge. It was a strong turnout this month, with 16 entries.

Here are the scores, from our fabulous quartet of judges ...


*Title / author**SueC**Tiamat**xXx**Arrow**Average*
Truth, US _by  bdcharles_
18192015*18.000*
The Lucky Ones _by  tim_
18161914.5*16.875*
Tape 62 _by  BigBagOfBasmatiRice_
12161715.5*15.125*
The Enchantment  Over Woodward City _by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord_
*-**-**-**-**Judge*
A Bridge Too far  Off _by Machu_
814187.5*11.875*
Mercantile  Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy _by Mish_
14161812.5*15.125*
Alexa _by epimetheus_
15151912.5*15.375*
Leaving Home _by  Sycamore_
15181815.5*16.625*
The Deep _by  undead_av_
16171918*17.500*
Bloodred _by BFB_
15161816.5*16.375*
Trolling _by Tiamat_
*-**-**-**-**Judge*
Ravings of a  Not-so-Old Grouch _by CyberWar_
16111710.5*13.625*
Fools _by The  Carcosan Herald_
17142011.5*15.625*
Legacy Interrupted  _by Taylor_
18161811*15.750*
In the Middle of  the Night _by rcallaci_
18181813*16.750*
half passed fore _by -xXx-_
*-**-**-**-**Judge*

Back with a bang, 1st place goes to *bdcharles*!

In 2nd place is *undead_av*!

And, by a fraction, *Tim* takes 3rd place!

Our thanks to all 16 contestants for sharing their stories with us, and to the judges for their judgements...

[spoiler2='SueC scores']
*1) Author*: bdcharles
*Title: Truth, US
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V:  *4/5
*Eval: *5/5
*Reac:* 5/5
*Overall: 18/20
Review:* Hey bd. It took a while to get into this story. By the end, it was pretty unsettling but sometimes funny, and I found myself nodding to the line "Because it wasn't her world anymore."

I think a word or two of introduction would have been helpful, maybe naming the year or saying it took place after some event, to understand why it was a _new normal_ for an individual, Morkus, to refer to himself in the plural and the use of distorted verbiage, which seems to be happening more, however, I do not believe this type of thinking is mainstream as yet. But perhaps in your new normal, it is more prevalent, which is fine. I did like the confusion on the doctor's part about the terminology, etc. (mine too!)

The prompt was _The New Normal_, and I believe you met the standard. I thought your option interesting, and while including information about "lockdown," it was clear your new normal was not going to be only about masks, social isolation or elbow bumps. Good job, bd and thanks for your entry!


*2) Author:* tim
*Title: The Lucky Ones
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V:  5*/5
*Eval: 4*/5
*Reac:* 5/5
*Overall: 18/20
Review: *Wow, Tim. This is a very disturbing tale. There have been times in our lives when we have all muttered "what is this world coming to?" but the recent events have elevated our concerns to a new level reflected well in your story. What you have here is a post-explosion story, showing a concern about the violence in our nation, hitting close to  home, which could very possibly become a _new normal_. Prompt well met.

There seems to be too many colons, semi-colons and dashes, which led to some incomplete sentences. Some misspelled words. Might have been better to make them simple sentences. ("His eyes swiveled to his own smoking clothes. He patted at his attire with numb hands—a natural reaction—that’s what you do when you’re lucky, put-out the smoldering bits.")

The task you took on was a difficult one, showing a man who survived an explosion and is surveying the damage around him. He is helpful, but his hearing is damaged so he has to work impaired. The sights he sees are frightening, surreal. I could feel his terror, his disbelief. Good job, tim and thanks for your submission.

*3) Author:* Anonymous (1)
*Title:  Tape 62
SPaG:* 3/5
*T&V:  3*/5
*Eval: 3*/5
*Reac:* 3/5
*Overall: 12/20
Review:*  Well, this is an interesting piece of work. After reading it a couple of times, I did get the gist of the conversation, but the beginning was a bit rough. You took on a difficult task here - to present only a conversation between two men as the entirety of your story. It's almost set up like a play, instead of a short story.

Elipses (. . . ) are really only supposed to be use when words are missing in  a sentence, ( "*Use* an *ellipsis* when omitting a word, phrase, line, paragraph, or more from a quoted passage. *Ellipses* save space or remove material that is less relevant."  grammarbook.com) so most of the uses of ellipses in your submission were not really appropriate.

I know when you are writing dialogue, it is difficult to write the way people actually speak. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is not usually possible. In reality, we hesitate, use incomplete sentences, change topics mid-stream, etc. and that simply does not make for good writing. It opens the author up for all sorts of grammatical mishaps, especially in a story that only has conversation in it. Thanks for your submission.

*4) Author:* ArrowintheBowoftheLord
*Title:  The Enchantment Over Woodward City *_(Judges Entry)_
*Review: *Ah, lovely. Have come to expect this type of writing from you, Arrow. Would that we all could go back and re-live that wonderful, unique and destined to be left behind experience of childhood in our home towns, wherever they be. Good job.

*5) Author:* Machu
*Title:  A Bridge Too Far Off
SPaG:* 2/5
*T&V: * 2/5
*Eval:  *2/5
*Reac:*  2/5
*Overall:  8/20
Review: * To be perfectly honest, Machu, I could not make much sense out of this story and I apologize for my lack of understanding. It seems to be somewhat of a stream of consciousness writing, which often defies simple common sense; sometimes making no sense at all. I had trouble determining an actual story line because the punctuation and formatting was so scarce and the piece was littered with incomplete sentences, etc. I'm sorry I couldn't understand more. Thanks for submitting your story. Keep trying. J

*6) Author:* Mish
*Title:  Mercantile Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy
SPaG:* 3/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval:  4*/5
*Reac:*  3/5
*Overall:  14/20
Review: * Well, Mish, this was pretty creepy and an unusual approach to a story about the _new normal_. I'm not really sure the prompt was met in that the story line doesn't really focus on an alternative to what used to be. You do not tell us what life was like in the mines before the appearance of the rift, but indicate because the person who wrote the policy is missing, your nameless voice has taken over communication, so we know something has happened. You leave much to the imagination of your readers, in that we don't know what the "rift" is, why it was called that, or what actually happens when someone gets too close to the containment gate. They just disappear in some way.

There were several punctuation and grammatical issues, along with missing words in some sentences. I did like this idea though, of someone stepping up and keeping others informed on how things were going. I think if you worked on it a little more, it could be a very interesting. Maybe the word  count prevented you from fleshing it out more. Thank you for your submission, Mish.

*7) Author: *epimetheus
*Title: Alexa
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V: * 3/5
*Eval:  4*/5
*Reac:*  4/5
*Overall:  15/20
Review: * This story is a commentary on how dating life changes in the future into a more machine-involved experience. The prompt, _A New Normal_, to me would indicate a change in usual behavior because of some event. So if you say the rise of machines is the reason why a normal experience between two people, such as dating, would rise to the level of an automated voice coaching a real man on how to behave with a real woman on a date, actually all through the process, then I can say you met the prompt.

The opening paragraph was a little confusing. I had difficulty determining who was actually talking. After that the formatting of paragraphs looked off - no spacing between. Also, it might have been helpful if you had said something about Daphne's choice of pronoun,  "they," just for the benefit of those who are not cognizant of this phenomenon. Initially, using "they" for an individual looksw as if it was done in error.

I think the story itself has some merit, but it was all a little awkward and cumbersome. It is nice, however, to see that in the future young people are still filled with anxiety about a first date! Thank you for your submission, epimetheus.

*8) Author:* Annonymous 2
*Title:  Leaving Home
SPaG: 3* /5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval:  4*/5
*Reac:*  4/5
*Overall: 15/20
Review: * Here we have a story, from the voice of a little girl, reflecting on a change that was occurring in her family. Her father has left their home, and even though the girl loved the town they live in, her mother has decided to make a change and find another place to live.

This story was fairly well-written. The occasional dialect was a little unnecessary. There were a few run-on sentences that might have read better if they had not been so long. _("Ash’s favorites were the dusty ones, they all smelled different, sometimes like soap and sawdust, as if they’d lived in an old person’s house their whole life; others smelled of pencils and choked air--those were the ones from universities and distinguished libraries."_)

Unfortunately, I did not find this story, or the characters, very compelling. The dad was told to leave because he was a "bad man," but no other information on what had occurred, or what made the mother's decision to move a _new normal_. Mom is presented, in the eyes of her daughter, as a wonderful, beautiful person, but also a selfish one who does not take her child's needs into consideration. I think this needed to be fleshed out a little more. Thank you for your submission.

*9) Author: *Anonymous 3
*Title: The Deep
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 4/5
*Reac:*  4/5
*Overall:  16/20
Review: *So here we have Dr. Niphilim, who seems to have crash-landed his space pod on a moon (?) and has set out to explore. The bulk of the story depicts his perception of what he is seeing. The writer makes an attempt at pulling readers in, so they too can see what Dr. Niphilim sees. It involves music and singing, flying fish and soft/firm plants. In his attempts to understand what he is seeing, he removes his space gear and goes naked into the gray.

Unfortunately, the descriptions elude me. I am unable to see what your words are telling me. Ultimately, however, after everything is said and done, Dr. Nihilim thinks what he sees is going to become the new normal. Why is that? The good doctor has crash landed his vehicle on a moon, in isolation, so who is this  new normal for? This seems just added on at the end, to meet the prompt.

The writing is fair, but I feel way too much time is spent on descriptions of the environment. I feel there is no real story here. We don't know what happened that he crashed, what happened to his crew, why did he take off his helmet and space suit? Without a story, it is a moment in time. Thank you for your submission.

*10) Author: *Anonymous 4
*Title: Bloodred
SPaG:* 5/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 3/5
*Reac:*  3/5
*Overall:  15/20
Review: *This was very interesting. The tale was well-written with descriptions that were easy to visualize. This is a story of a girl, who, because of her special gifts, is seen by others in her village as someone who should be offered as a sacrifice for the hopes and dreams of others. She is young and strong, but instead of cherishing her as a valuable member of their society, she is seen as "man-souled," which sends her on a different path. Before she is to meet her death, she is rescued by a boy who sets her free and tells her to run. As she runs, she prays to an unknown god who provides her protection. This is where the story ends.

I did not detect the prompt - _a new normal_ - in this story and I could see no issues with spelling or grammar. It's a compelling story, what there is of it, and I would have liked to read more. I thought it seemed unfinished, or maybe part of a whole. It felt incomplete. Thank you for your submission.

*11) Author: *Tiamat
*Title: Trolling
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V: * 5/5
*Eval: * 5/5
*Reac:*  5/5
*Overall:  19/20
Review: *Really liked the concept - a letter from "Sis" to talk about the troll situation at home and I really loved the message. I saw just a few formatting issues, but no spelling or grammar issues and you well-met the prompt. The writing was what you would expect in a letter.
I felt engaged from the beginning. A recognition that Sis had been out of touch for a while, and a story about what exactly was going on where she lives. The idea of non-violent troll appearances was an inspiration in this day and time. Why wouldn't we all want trolls to appear and take over some of the mess? Offer us a flower? LOL. A new normal indeed! Good job and thanks for your submission, Tiamat.

*12) Author: *CyberWar
*Title:  Ravings of a Not-so-Old Grouch
SPaG:* 5/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 4/5
*Reac:*  3/5
*Overall:  16/20
Review: * Well, CW, I think your submission was aptly entitled - especially "ravings." I do not see an actual story here, however, and suspect it might not be fiction at all. What you describe in the beginning is part of growing up for a lot of inner-city youths, not just those of your country. Your prompt goal was to show how everything had changed since you were a boy, being picked on and abused. Then you seem to be on the attack of others who have been subjected to abuse, discrimination, neglect, etc. and their ability to use their voices now instead of fighting, to bring attention to what happened to them. You would rather they just tough it out, as you did as a child. This is the new normal, one you do not support.

The work was well written, no spelling or grammar flaws. I believe you met the prompt goal. Thanks for your submission, CyberWar.

*13) Author: *The Carcosan Herald
*Title:  Fools
SPaG:* 5/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 4/5
*Reac:*  4/5
*Overall:  17/20
Review: * A little unsettling, written in the first person. I assume an old soldier, commenting on the ignorance of others, seemingly unaware of the sacrifices offered in order for them to continue with their normal, uncomplicated lives. Not much of a story line, but more of a commentary on the twists and turns of life. I saw no spelling or grammar errors, and the prompt was met.

Here we have an individual who tells us how life had changed for him since he was recruited, and the sacrifices he made as a prisoner of war (?). He views other citizens as being unaware of, and unappreciative of, his and fellow-soldiers efforts. The pain of PTSD in his new normal. He was once a member of society, one of those who lived an uncomplicated life, but no more.

This was clearly a difficult piece to write as well as read. Thank you for your submission TCH.

*14) Author: *Anonymous 5
*Title:  Legacy Interrupted
SPaG:* 4/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 5/5
*Reac:*  5/5
*Overall:  18/20
Review: * Very powerful. There was some formatting issues with spacing, but no spelling or grammar flaws to identify.

I really loved the story. What I liked most about it was the idea that we are all human, and as such we all make mistakes. It does not mean we are corrupt, or bad; it just means an error in judgment was made - that happens even to good, well-meaning people. The main character in this story was proud of his history, his father's history too. He came from strong people, and he was regretful for behaviors that tarnished that history. I also liked the fact that there was no exploration of why he didn't intervene when he should have; no excuses offered. He understood the decisions that were made due to an error in his judgment and even though heart-broken, he accepted them.

The prompt was well met; very relevant to today's world. Thank you for your submission.

*15) Author: rcallaci
Title:  In the Middle of the Night
SPaG:* 5/5
*T&V: * 4/5
*Eval: * 4/5
*Reac:*  5/5
*Overall:  18/20
Review:* Well this was different! It was a little confusing at the part where the girl is told she is the daughter of, and going to be the mother of, the same individual - Mother Nature. That confusion never really got resolved, but the rest of the read was fine.

I saw no issues with spelling or grammar and the formatting was acceptable. You also met the prompt.

Since you refer to a "fuss" at the end of the story, it might have been a good idea to tell your readers exactly who she was telling this cautionary tale to. Did she just show up at a high school, or senior citizen center?

Actually, this is a pretty entertaining story, but I think it would be better if it was fleshed out a little more. I know 650 words is sometimes just not enough. Good job though and thanks for your submission.

*16) Author: *Anonymous 6
*Title:  -half passed fore -
SPaG:* 3/5
*T&V: * 2/5
*Eval: * 2/5
*Reac:*  2/5
*Overall:   11/20
Review:*  There was nothing in this "story" that I understood. We have Mike as the main character, who is woken somehow by Dean, who discusses something at length, referring to "Jake" in some spots and then at the very end, someone by the name of Allie pops into the conversation, but she might be a computer or robot. At any rate, I have no idea what this is about, what the story line is, or the meaning of the technical chatter. It's like reading a foreign language. I don't even know what the title means.

So, reviewing things like spelling and grammar, quite a few issues came up since writing the way people speak is often hard on grammar. When writing numbers, it is a rule of thumb that numbers from one to ten should be written out. The use of symbols and abbreviations is typically not acceptable (_ I heard you met your reqs.) _I see that you only used 350 words of the 650 allowed; plenty of space to explain more to non-techies.

Going forward, I think you should consider that your audience might not be as savy as you are when it comes to technology and put more effort into an actual story line. Thank you for your submission.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2='Tiamat scores']
"Truth.US"
bdcharles

Review:
I whole-heartedly loved this clever bit of allegory. It managed to be on the nose without being at all on the nose. Supplement that with the hilarity inherent in the new way of speaking and I'm just so very sold on this piece. I was hoping the non-binary character would serve a purpose beyond being there and being non-binary, but that never quite seemed to pan out. And while I wasn't 100% sure the piece would end the way it did, I was afraid it might. Some sad, hopeful part of me hoped at least one intellectual would triumph. Alas...

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 5/5
Total: 19/20

-----
"The Lucky Ones"
Tim

Review:
This was an interesting piece, with a few really amazing lines in it. As a for instance, "...that’s what you do when you’re lucky: put-out the smouldering bits," might be my favorite line ever. Ultimately though, I'm left wondering what happened here. I mean, obviously an explosion of some sort, but what sort? It feels like the piece is commenting about the unfortunate normality of terroristic acts, but it feels too general. Terroristic acts where? Or is it about the senselessness of random accidents? I'm not sure. To the writing itself, some of the descriptors seemed a little overdone and heavy on the commas, but overall the writing was pretty solid. The theme of being lucky to survive no matter how grievous your injuries are is a poignant one. I just couldn't quite enjoy the piece as much as I wanted without more context behind why this devastation is normal.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 16/20
-----
"Tape 62"
Anonymous

Review:
A tape transcription! I love exploring nontraditional methods of storytelling. Plus the idea of people being turned into part cyborgs to alleviate ailments and disabilities is both intriguing and horrifying. Definite call outs to Frankenstein with the theme of going too far in the name of science. Only found a couple small grammar/punctuation issues, but my real issue is the commas. While they are technically correct, I feel like this type of writing is where you flaunt breaking the rules to show how people actually talk. When Charlie says "Oh, can it, Roberts!" that's the kind of thing that would come out all in a rush, but with the (again, technically correct) commas, it ruins the flow of the speech. The ending was a form of "Book 'em Dano!" and the mad genius swearing his revenge, which is pretty typical for interrogation stories, and as a result, it fell a bit flat for me. Still a worthy read though.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 16/20
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"The Enchantment Over Woodward City
ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord

Review:
I'm not really sure if there's supposed to be some deeper meaning behind the magic in this story, but I honestly don't care. I enjoyed the heck out of it nonetheless. Very nostalgic, memory-laden, and literally magical. The voice of this story is on point, and I particularly enjoyed Saladface and the personalities of plants. (Why didn't the succulent get a name? Pointyface...Stabbyface...No-Water-Me-Or-I-Die-face?) Good stuff!

Judge Entry:
Either 1,000,000 points or no score. You decide.
-----
"A Bridge Too Far Off"
Matchu

Review:
I have to be honest; I have no idea what I just read. I think it's allegory, or at least some type of commentary on the present, with its mentions of Margaret Thatcher, Trump, Johnson Jr., and a virus, but I'm afraid the point is this story is rather over my head. That said, there was definitely some good imagery throughout, and a lot of interesting uses of language. Some of the grammar felt off, but part of me suspects that's part of the point.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction:3/5
Total: 14/20
-----
"Mercantile Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy"
Mish

Review:
Another experimental story-telling method, yay! Definitely a unique take on the theme where your normal is being trapped alone in what is clearly a dangerous situation. Also using a policy to communicate with the outside world and tell the story is pretty clever. A risk minimization policy in a very risky situation, no less. That's hilarious! Unfortunately, I wasn't quite able to piece together enough of what was going on to get much of a payoff from the end. I feel like these types of personal record stories where the protag is trapped somewhere always end with a "OH CRAP WHAT WAS THAT?" which is never really as satisfying as I want it to be. I only found one or two grammar nits, and the voice was solid for this type of piece. Oh, and I absolutely adored the introduction.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 16/20
-----
"Alexa"
epimetheus

Review:
Manipulation by AI. Clever idea. I read an article in Time about Smart Homes of the future and this is startlingly similar with the general idea. I don't know if the switch between pronouns "they/them" and "she/her" was deliberate, but it left me a bit confused. Even in hindsight, I don't know if the "they/them" was because Alexa was talking to both of them, because "they will appreciate flowers" wouldn't apply to both. Overall, the story feels a bit like a set up for a twist that doesn't quite pay off as much as I want it to, but I did enjoy the banter between Milton and Alexa--especially that her snark was a learned behavior to make her more likeable to him. Fun stuff.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 15/20
-----
"Leaving Home"
Anonymous

Review:
This was a tender glimpse into the bittersweet nature of leaving home. Really poignant imagery throughout and some genuinely beautiful phrases. The voice throughout really carried a level of authenticity of the southern dialect, and it's clear that traditional grammar was modified to reflect that. A bit heavy on the commas though, and there was a missing hyphen in "burgendy-colored." Also, I enjoyed the interesting contrast between Samantha never liking hicks, but Ash showing a certain wisdom beyond her years with her thought of Margie's dad, "He was a hick, but that was his kinda music." Sort of labelling (mama's influence) but tolerating. Despite that apparent wisdom, it did feel a little forced when this child of an unknown age (but young enough to have a teddy bear) seemed to just know things would one-day feel normal again. Felt a little forced. Kids always think their whole world is ending when faced with change--especially a big change like moving. Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable read.

SPaG: 4
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 5
Reaction: 4
Total: 18/20
-----
"The Deep"
Anonymous

Review:
OK, I just have to say: alien siren-song is a cool idea. Like, a really really cool idea. Anyways, the language itself in telling the story seemed to fall over itself a bit. It was intermittently a little bit flowery and a little bit vague. There's something to be said for the stylistic choice of flowery descriptions when the entire piece is about a bewitching melody, but in flash especially, efficient use of language is critical, and I don't feel like the language in a few places (the first paragraph for instance) was particularly efficient. I'm glad you didn't end with him just fading to black, as originally seemed to be the case. I'm not sure where we actually did end, except with some glowing fish creatures--maybe dude died and this is the afterlife, or maybe he lived and the fish things are real--but the openness of the ending didn't detract from the overall resolution of the piece for me. Definitely an enjoyable read.

SPaG: 5
T&V: 3
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 5
Total: 17/20
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"BLOODRED"
Anonymous

Review:
This feels more like an origin story or a prologue than a stand-alone piece of flash. I almost expect to be able to turn the page and begin a chapter one with a peasant boy, worlds away, and find out how his story eventually intersects with Freyja's. Interesting use of Nordic gods and names with a setting that isn't snowy and mountainous, but rather a scorching desert. I didn't notice any grammatical issues or anything like that, and the tone seems to fit the events of the story well enough. What kind of ruined this story for me were the number of tropes and clichés leaned on throughout. Why do so many female fantasy protagonists have to have red hair and green eyes? Why are they so often born during eclipses? And then--after she's branded by these men, gets help, and runs away, she then pledges her newly earned freedom to another man, this nameless god. I'll admit it brings the story full circle, but not in a satisfying way.

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 16/20
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"Trolling"
Tiamat

Review:
Utter garbage. What are you even playing at?

Judge's Entry:
-500
-----
"Ravings of a Not-so-old Grouch"
CyberWar

Review:
As the title implies, this feels like less of a story and more of a rant that's not even trying too hard to masquerade as a story. It literally reads like somebody's opinion piece or (dare I say) Facebook post. That said, it could very well be an experimental exercise in writing an opinion piece from this particular point of view. I loved the first line, but I do feel like the tone kind of wanders a bit throughout. The voice was fairly consistent but in places it also seemed a little wordy where we could've tightened up the language. Also, I saw a couple minor punctuation issues ('90s, for instance, and some commas) And while I'm doing my absolute best to be impartial regarding my treatment of this as a piece of writing, the reaction score is going to be pretty abysmal from me on this one. If the intent was to ruffle some feathers, consider my feathers ruffled.

SPaG: 4
T&V: 3
Evaluation: 3
Reaction: 1
Total: 11/20
-----
"Fools"
The Carcosan Herald

Review:
Second person writing! I applaud you for using that particular POV. It's gutsy, and I really really want it to work every time I come across it. The problem with it mainly, is that even though you're addressing your reader directly, by so doing, you push them out of the story. This is no exception. I stumbled the first paragraph three times, and only on the third time through it, where I made the decision to read the piece out loud, was I able to get into the story. I saw a couple SPaG issues but not many. The voice is completely consistent throughout, even though I don't feel that the second person POV is doing the piece any favors. My biggest issues is that I don't feel like I have enough info. What happened that we ended up in a dungeon? And why were we recruited by an old man to save the innocent? Save them from what? Random drive bys or like... super villains? I really don't know.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 14/20
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"Legacy Interrupted"
Anonymous

Review:
I had a good, long "think" about this piece when I finished it. Then I read it again and had another. It's very interesting in its point of view, and I love just about anything that'll make me stop and think. I especially liked the way we saw the effects of the protagonist's mistake through his son's experiences. It's easy to forget that people have their own complex lives when you get caught up in hearing about the things they do (or in this case, don't do).

The writing itself was pretty solid, but I do think it could be tightened up some. There were a few sentences towards the beginning that sort of stumbled over themselves with extra words. I'm not sure about the last line. It feels like we were trying too hard to drive home the piece's compliance with the theme, when the letter itself serves that function perfectly. I would've preferred that the story end naturally without the call out to "new normal."

SPaG: 4
T&V: 3
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 5
Total: 16/20
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"In the Middle of the Night"
rcallaci

Review:
So first of all, Billy Joel is going to be in my head forever as a result of this piece's title, which is stupid because that's not even the title of the damn song. Anyways...

I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's like Pretty Woman except "super hot Elf King." (That particular line actually made me GUFFAW so thanks for that!) I loved the juxtaposition between the Elf King's stilted, formal speech and the woman's modern slang. I'm not sure about "yippy yippy yi yay" though. She feels like more of a "fuck yeah!" kinda gal. (Also, it would've made for a fun double entendre!) Let's talk about the end though. There was a pretty abrupt shift from doing the Elvin nasty to humankind is a scourge on this earth. I mean, we are, but I still feel like we needed a bit more foreplay before being rammed with that particular truth stick. (That was an awful analogy but you did say "man-juice" so I blame you.)

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 18/20
-----
"half passed fore"
Anonymous

Review:
An all dialogue story--or something like dialogue. I never did figure out why everyone else speaks with asterisks and italics. Maybe some sort of comm device, presumably more sophisticated than a text message, but it's hard to say because I don't think the setting was ever established. The all dialogue thing sometimes works and sometimes just feels like talking heads. It came across as the latter to me in this one because to be honest, I never actually did figure out much of what happened here. Very tech jargony. Hard to bring the dialogue off the page when I have basically no clue what they're talking about. All I know is that two people are having some kind of conversation about something, one of them--Mike--was woken up because of something he coded or built or designed or...something. I think whatever it is might be a good thing. And then someone else named Allie walks in at the end, and there's a reference to a Golden Earring song. (And I was today years old when I learned that the song is called "Radar Love" and not "Red Hot Love." So bonus point for learning me a thing through fiction!)

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 3/5
Evaluation: 2/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 12/20
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2='-xXx- scores']
bdcharles Truth.US 20
tim The Lucky Ones 19
hjc1 Tape 62 17
arrow The Enchantment Over Woodward City 18
matchu A Bridge Too Far Off 18
mish Mercantile Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy 18
epi Alexa 19
hjc2 Leaving Home 18
hjc3 The Deep 19
hjc4 BLOODRED 18
tiamat Trolling 20
cyberwar Ravings of a Not-so-old Grouch 17
carcosan Fools 20
hjc5 Legacy Interrupted 18
hisself In the Middle of the Night 18

=====

bdcharles
Truth.US

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
overall 20/20

g 16 <-lowest
s -36.5

*best of month:* whaaaaa?

_<snip> And there it was – the conversational left turn. <snip>
<snip> ...carefully wrapping their lips round the plosives and fricatives. <snip>_

_robust dissection loop error_
_consequential flaw count nil_
_nil_


-----
tim
The Lucky Ones

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 19/20

*best of month:* aftermath

g 20 1 potentially sensitive
s -25.4

_<snip>A bad dream you’re relieved to wake up from: pleased to forget.<snip>_

can this be written to eliminate you?
names mathew slate-1x?
shock/loss of identity
imho, this is a piece capable of communicating impact to identity, proximal-trauma-event.
to intensify that aspect consider eliminating naming Matthew Slate in line 4, etc(stay with he, italicize for clarity if needed).

consider naming in the final line.
..., thought Mathew. Mathew...um, ss..Slate! The....

last 5 lines bring it home.

-----
hjc1
Tape 62 - 393 Words - August 2020 LM

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 17/20


g 26
s 32.2

*best of month:* transcript
borg, borg, prime directive
AS
epigenetic accommodation

_<snip> Roberts: In theory, Charlie, it sounds fascinating. But what about these? <snip>
<snip>
    [Charlie slams hands on desk]

    Charlie: That’s it, Roberts! That’s it!

    [Charlie laughs]
<snip>_

as a reader, i have elected to read this as confrontation of an individual unconcerned with the devastating and/or lethal effects of "standardizing" (both class and object) people and "eliminating undesirable qualities".

thank you for your selection of format.
imho, this presentation greatly strengthened the narrative.
if you are interested in expanding this piece by filling it out toward a reader demographic, consider exploring rehabilitative work with veterans.
ps you're=you are. 

-----
arrow
The Enchantment Over Woodward City
(Judge Entry)

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

g 27 2 inappropriate colloquialism?
s -29.4

*best of month:* wrap around
name point, Propers

_<snip>A beauty, we said on the porch steps later, when we could speak again. And every night <snip> sometimes frightening us with visions, sometimes soothing us with lullabies.<snip>_

imho, this is a beautiful piece which reflects transition/adjustment as norm.
consider submission to college oriented publication(s).
this might be welcomed in an incoming freshman packet.

-----
matchu
A Bridge Too Far Off, 650

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 18/20

g 42 <-highest, lang?
s -73.1 <-lowest

*best of month:* con sonance

_<snip> Arthur, with clogs and whippet, clip-clopped cobbles toward the foreshore. <snip>
<snip> ‘Where are your nurses now?’ thought Frank. <snip>_

k.
i am woefully unqualified to have any feedback on this piece.
bazz did mention klingons once....
esc mourns NHS old school...
benny hill ran regularly for a while...
and, monty is monty (and friends).
thank you for creating a ridiculously colorful, complex composition
and submitting said creation.
unpacking, mapping, straight up decryption.
i agree you are not atwood.
this, regardless, is a captivating cultural capsule.
i look forward to reading more from you.

-----
mish
Mercantile Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy
(Holo-friend required for viewing - 640w)

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 18/20

g 30
s -29.3 <-mid

*best of month:* as long as it takes holo friend
honing in!
form
date detail
call it Jack(bring to now)
nice placement of internal conversation
final word? who is being instructed to Quiet?

_<snip> I will leave my coordinates to make it easier for you to find me. Please monitor your holo-friend for updates.<snip>

<snip>Stay strong and never give up hope!<snip>_

_runs out to find a brick and mortar_
_with holo friend_
_and tunnels_

-----
epimethius
Alexa
650 words

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 19/20

g 23
s -56.5

*best of month:* real inform advise probability possibility pause ability
solid names
...what if i don't <show> up...
solid open
excellent close
korean/texan wings

alexa, all the they, all in(double check consistency)

_<snip> Out in the Real? <snip>
<snip> I’ve had a look <snip> and I have a few suggestions you can choose from. <snip>_

imho, appropriately serious (ref low sentiment score).
love how and where you took this.
submission worthy.

-----
hjc2
Leaving Home (646 words)

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

g 18 1 potentially sensitive 4 inappropriate colliquialisms
s -55.0

*best of month:* option action

_<snip> especially after she got in with the flower children. She got all peaceful, started burning sage and incense <snip>_

thank you for submitting this.
this is a comfortable piece which reflects transition/adjustment as norm.
blend of narrative, dialogue (external and internal) creates that comfort.
next to last paragraph pops with character.

-----
hjc3
    The Deep (631 words)

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5
overall 19/20

g 22
s -25.9

*best of month:* sublime embed/per sys T/class:sic
matthew, 'nuf said.
open/close cooperation

_<snip> The closest thing he could liken it to was a dream he once had that he couldn’t remember anything of except the feeling of it. <snip>
<snip> If only I could explain it—then I’d be able to bear it. <snip>
<snip> It became a fish and swam away. <snip>_

last 8 lines poster worthy, imho.

-----
hjc4
BLOODRED

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

g 20
s -60.5

*best of month:* exercise goat scape scrape
title solid
open/close urgent action-> persist writ
kudos on family, temple, "noble" inclusion
narrative, dialogue balance good

_<snip> ...in the manner proper for a girl of her station. <snip>_

should you be interested in broadening reader reach,
consider the following:
here,
born
frihetsånden,
protector protected

bad help begets bad repercussion.
can your readers expect to learn what horrors/tragic accidents befell the nameless young noble?
ps add a hatpin/hairpin. one knife? 

-----
tiamat
Trolling - 551 words

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
overall 20/20

g 24 3 inappropriate colloquialisms? <-mid
s 75.0 <- high

*best of month:* fleur-ish
1 of 2 positive sentiment scores
form choice
use of title to set expectation for flip-flop
casual, nonchalance pointed line

_<snip> Resistance was met with daffodils. <snip>
<snip> ...so much as confuse us. <snip>
<snip> Well, except....<snip>_

you know what i'm giving for the holidays.
jussayin'

-----
cyberwar
Ravings of a Not-so-old Grouch [650 words]

spag 4/5
t&v 4/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
overall 17/20

g 37 1 potentially sensitive 3 inappropriate colloquialisms?
s -36.0

*best of month:* dys coarse
open/close solid

personna, blue-dkgry
_<snip> It was not a life I would wish upon anyone,....<snip>
<snip> ...so long as there are no actual risks involved.  <snip>x2
<snip> ...genuinely offensive <snip>, any man worth his salt would punch him instead and call it a day. <snip>_

emphasis mine:
_<snip>*Acting* weak and oppressed...<snip>_

strengths include
specific detail expanding context for narrator-reader connect,
cognitive dissonance as internal tension response to norm shift and casual exploration of emotional/physical vulnerability/weakness reflected in word choice.
i am unable to place this story exclusively within the presented context.
dna identification is needed worldwide for "the gone" and the  perpetrators of the shattered, the marketed...
for this reader, the crux is in the first snippet.
for this reader, what did you need to not have a life you would not wish UPON anyone?
what does that look like...as new normal?
many thanks for sharing this.

-----
carcosan
Fools [650 words]

spag 5/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
overall 20/20

g 23 1 potentially sensitive 1 inappropriate colloquialisms
s -25.3

*best of month:* tour it, per rim meter
solid wrap open/close
all the VNs/back-in-blacks/orngnublk
no apologies
complex/compound/cummulative grief, redirect
no trigger label

personna, blue-black.n
_<snip> They know nothing of the sacrifices we have made so that they will continue to live their lives. <snip>
<snip> ...truly worth fighting?" <snip>
<snip> ...rips it right out of your hands. <snip>_

imho, strongest character development piece this challenge.
speaks to warrior-ultimate service-fall from grace culture experience across industry/class, etc.
i will pretend the greatest connection demographic is catastrophic consequence, unequal justice and labor-unto-death, but the intersection(s) presented will be meaningful to other reader groups.
better than the pink-soap-phenom, imho.
ps be careful what you read in that woodland shack 

-----
hjc5
Legacy Interrupted

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

g 25 1 inapp coll
s -26.0

*best of month:* piece full
say their names
grandfather clause cascade
no bad student, ref teacher(s)
title? Real Time?
take a look at open/close (_return_ to new normal?)
instead of life, perhaps HE centered closing statements
names solid
dialog use strong
good character development within space and scenes

5 lines above scene break, excellent

_<snap> But why do I feel such remorse? <snap>_

imho, solid exploration of intersection between personal, professional and public expectations.
good contrast of provide/serve/protect.
character navigation awkwardness comes through.

-----
hisself
In the Middle of the Night (650 words)

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5
overall 18/20

g 39 1 inappr collo
s -70.7

*best of month:* baals-crosstalk
hiss elf, coincidence? 
_looks for trumpets_
label for family reading?
open/close casual to urgent redirect
minimal dialogue AS emphasis
traditional naming list
ref adler's solution

personna, pink/green
_<snip>...within you for the past millennia is now ready to be personified and born into this age. <snip>
<snip> It’s your continued existence... <snip>_

imho, timeless tale(s).
how 'bout them mitochondria, recombinant, ay?
you know this is well crafted.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2='ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord scores']
Truth.US - bdcharles

SPaG 4.5/5 
No significant grammar errors, but this sentence threw me: “Maybe Morkus Haynes would have some answers, Humax wondered, as she opened the door to their suite …” It wasn’t clear to me whose suite it was at first - Humax’, Haynes’, or both (?).

T&V 4.5/5 
Some solid whimsy that dips in and out of surreal. Like the “pies in a old-school pie comedy” line. Don’t know what it means, rationally, but I know the exact vibe.

Eval 3/5 
I really like the writing on a paragraph-by-paragraph level, but by the end I was more puzzled (pleasantly enough, at least) than feeling like I had actually been taken somewhere narratively. Given the title, I was trying to figure out how Truth.US was threaded through all this, but I didn’t really see it. People’s language is getting confused … because of lockdown … because of Truth.US (?). Or is the one website more of a symptom? And although the world and voice was interesting, I didn’t find Dr. Humax particularly compelling. Her goal seems to be retaining some semblance of rationality amidst chaos, but she seems rather ho-hum about it--no real existential angst, even done in a humorous way, just kind of mild annoyance.  

Reaction 3/5 
I do like the whimsy/surrealism and the voice, but on the whole I wanted more. A story where the loss of rationality would make me feel something - or make me laugh aloud (my judge for comedy, very subjective, I know, but what can you do?). I think that the ‘ideal’ version of this story would have been something that walked the line between absurd comedy and surreal horror, where you wouldn’t know whether to be terrified or laugh at the last line (which [/FONT]_was _[FONT=&Verdana]a great one, by the way). Ultimately, this had interest and a lot of potential, but didn’t grab me on a gut level.

15/20
-------------

The Lucky Ones - Tim

SPaG 4/5 
Unnecessary commas here: “...everyone and everything, in the car park of the shopping center, an eerie…” And a typo: I think you mean “relieved,” not “relived.”

T&V 3.5/5 
It flows well; you make good use of sentence fragments and paragraph breaks. The descriptions are grotesquely vivid and you capture the confusion post-disaster. There were some lines and clauses that were clunky and seemed unnecessary, like “or so it seemed,” since it wasn’t setting up for anything later, or “an unnatural phenomenon rarely seen by most,” (we already know that), or mentioning that the shoe was “feminine” when you had already said it was a girl’s shoe. Probably the thing that threw me the most was when he thinks, “Is this a surreal dream?” and then, “No. A vivid nightmare.” Those aren’t opposites, and are sometimes the same.

Eval 4/5 
You threaded the image of the child’s shoe through the story well, and you built a connection to Matthew in a short space. I was impressed by your ability to capture a feeling of confusion, how the story actually feels like it is inside the head of someone experiencing shock: how his eyes fix on the shoe early on, how he doesn’t remember what he was doing until later. 

I didn’t understand the significance of his mishearing, unless it was just meant as another way to show the disorientation, but it seemed like it had some meaning which I wasn’t grasping. I thought the very end was not as good. The last few lines kind of ‘explained’ too much, like someone saying, “and the moral of the story is …”

Reaction 3/5
It hit the way a PSA hits, and you can take that as a compliment or a critique, depending on your intent. It was well-written, and I connected to Matthew, but, of course, he is ‘anyone.’ Which means that by the end, the specificity that makes fiction interesting broadens into the whole world. I’m having trouble explaining my thoughts, but maybe the best way to explain it is it reminds me of these videos we watched in driver’s ed about train crashes. That’s not an insult. They were well-made. One almost made me cry. But they don’t feel like [/FONT]_fiction_[/FONT]. Does that make sense? Fiction gives the sense that ‘this really [/FONT]_did _[FONT=&Verdana]happen, in another reality.’ This felt like ‘this [FONT=&Verdana]_could _[FONT=&Verdana]happen.’ Perhaps that was your intent. 

14.5/20
-----------

Tape 62 - anon

SPaG 5/5
No errors noted.

T&V 3.5/5
The style really worked. Maybe a few too many ellipses. The dialogue was snappy, for the most part, but I thought “No, no...they will...be the world. The new world...my world…” was a bit too cheesy.

Eval 3.5/5
A complete story, with a menacing but complex villain and a strong plot - a feat in so few words! You do a good job delineating character using only dialogue. Roberts is kind of bland, though. I was mostly okay with Charlie’s cheesiness, because it fit his character, but at times it was a bit too cliche. And a small issue: Johnson comes in kind of out of nowhere. 

Reaction 3.5/5
What is it with neo-gnosticism for making great villains? I don’t know, but the “Ugh. Bodies,” line was definitely the creepiest and most arresting moment. It was good, and I was impressed by its concision, but it didn’t have that oompf that makes me remember a story afterwards. 

15.5/20
-------------

A Bridge Too Far Off - Matchu

SPaG 2/5
The formatting made it a struggle to read- you have to put a blank line between paragraphs or it just looks like one solid block of text. Missing words throughout, for example: “He wore [a] white coat of service. Two men thumped prostrate upon [their] faces.” Comma splices, i. e., here, a missing comma, and a comma instead of a semicolon (point off): “Royalty[,] he whispered[;] his heart swelled. Windsor Castle[,] he giggled, and was rhotic.” At a certain point, I started to suspect the errors may have been intentional. Surrealism? Not sure. I’m also wondering if you took out words because you were trying to keep it under 650. There are better ways of cutting word count than breaking grammar (and, honestly, creating confusion). For example: “surveyed [the] left and right side” could be “looked left and right.”

T&V 2.5/5
The weird, rambling voice did have charm, at least from “Arthur, with clogs and whippet…” on. Before that I was just trying to figure out who was talking, and the dialogue made no sense to me. 

Eval 1.5/5 
There were one or two points where I started to understand, then it escaped me again. It’s a muddle. The reader is almost completely left out to dry. Who is Arthur? Who’s talking at the beginning? What’s happening?

Effect 1.5/5
It’s hard to get into something I can’t follow. The part when Aurthur’s whispering words to himself hit me in a weird way, though. Maybe this is supposed to be stream-of-consciousness and I’m just not avante-garde enough for it. 

7.5/20
-------------

Mercantile Synergies Employee Risk Minimization Policy - Mish

SPaG 4/5 
A couple punctuation errors, like: “Steven, the guy who edited this policy has disappeared…” (Need a comma between “policy” and “has.”

T&V 3/5 
The voice is smooth but not particularly distinct. With the first-person narrative you could have shown a lot of the protagonist’s personality and emotion through his voice, so I think there’s some missed potential there.

Eval 2.5/5 
You start out with a solid concept, and I was immediately intrigued. But it starts to peter out when Jack is introduced. It seemed like maybe you were trying to fit too many ideas in this short of a space. Maybe if you had kept the focus on the mysterious pulse/particles. I’m starting to realize as I write this that Jack may be a hallucination of the protagonist, which connects the threads better, but I’d still say the story kind of loses its thrust and tension by the middle-to-⅔-mark, and the ending is scattered and abrupt. 

Effect 3/5
I like the mysteriousness, the format, and the feeling of alien intrusion on corporate/factory life. It just doesn’t feel totally fleshed out, and the protagonist didn’t ‘click’ for me (probably had to do with the lack of voice).

12.5/20
------------

Alexa - epimetheus

SPaG 4/5
The formatting makes it hard to read (there should be an extra line between paragraphs). Also, a typo: “[/FONT]_What if I don’t up_[FONT=&Verdana]?” 

T&V 3/5
The dialogue had some pop, but otherwise the voice wasn’t particularly exciting.

Eval 3/5
A humorously believable near-future world. The last line had a slight note of menace. The protagonist was not particularly compelling, though.

Reaction 2.5/5
Playing matchmaker is the sort of thing you can imagine Alexa doing - she’s the most likeable character here even if she’s a bit creepy! And I guess that’s sort of the problem - I wasn’t really rooting for Milton, so I wasn’t super invested in the story.

12.5/20
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]------------

Leaving Home - anon

SPaG 4/5
A few punctuation errors, such as: “But it wasn’t good to mention him now, he’d been shipped off somewhere; Vietnam, the rumor went.” There should be a semicolon between ‘now’ and ‘he’d’ and either a dash or colon after ‘somewhere.’

T&V 4.5/5
Lilting, rambling, tender. Good work here.

Eval 3.5/5
There’s a good sense of place, and some great homelike imagery. You paint a vivid picture of Ash’s mother. It’s kind of disorganized, though: the books are given a lot of weight in the beginning, but not really tied into the end at all, and once Bobby Raymon comes in concepts start being introduced sort of randomly. The general framework of the story isn’t totally clear to me--Bobby is Ash’s father, right? 

Effect 3.5/5
Soft but tangible, which I like. There’s emotional connection here, but because of the scattered nature the ending didn’t feel satisfying.

15.5/20
------------

The Deep - anon

SPaG 5/5
No errors noted.

T&V 4/5
I like the imagery. The prose is lyrical with only a few hiccups. (“The closest thing he could liken it to was a dream he once had that he couldn’t remember anything of except the feeling of it,” is sort of wordy, for example.)

Eval 4/5
A Bradbury-esque science fiction myth with a drop of surreal. Beautiful images, tension well-built, and a subtle dreamlike twist at the end. Very, very good work. It’s almost destroyed by the last sentence, which I understand you had to put in for the sake of the prompt, but, ach. If you decide to send this to publishers (which I hope you do), slow down the ending a bit (it was a little fast) and change the last line.

Effect 5/5
Wow, I feel this was made for me. It’s the ocean-myth overlaid with the moon-myth (“Siren-song of the Moon-people,” with a build-up that actually lives up to the phrase), plus a little word-made-flesh wizardry (‘“Matthew,” he laughed. It became a fish and swam away.’). Dances with the meaning of beauty itself, word, Song. Encounters with the relentless transcendent, dismantling us and all our vain resistance. Love it. 

18/20
------------

Bloodred - anon

SPaG 5/5
No errors noted.

T&V 4/5
Solid voice. “Asked quizzically,” is redundant. 

Eval 3.5/5
It’s quite good, in terms of making me care for the character and keeping the tension rolling. Very visceral, horrifying, desperate. But it felt like the intro to something longer, and not a complete story in its own right. A great Chapter 1. The connection to the prompt is also kind of tangential. 

Effect4/5
A good piece of semi-historical fantasy horror, with a strong protagonist. I enjoyed it, and would be interested in reading more of Freyja’s story. 

16.5/20
----------
[FONT=&Verdana]
Trolling - Tiamet[/FONT]

SPaG 5/5
No errors noted.

T&V 3.5/5
A strong conversational voice at the start, but the paragraphs with the carwash and the coup don’t read like an email. Maybe a bit too immediate? 

Eval 3.5/5
A humorous story, with a framing within an email that makes it oddly believable. I found the last line sort of jarring, because it reads like Carlie is no longer talking and the author has stepped in instead, if you know what I mean. What does she mean by ‘the rich’? Did they eat everyone in a certain tax bracket? Maybe if it’d been more definite, like, “They did eat a couple rich elites,” or, “They did eat all the millionaires on x Avenue,” or something.

Reaction 2.5/5
I found it a smooth read, but I guess it’s not really my sense of humor. Flippancy and vague jocularity tend to grate instead of tickle my funny bone. I like the image of tanks being overwhelmed by infinite vines, but there wasn’t ever really a point where I laughed or had a moment of genuine connection with Carlie. 

14.5/5
-------------

The Ravings of a Not-So-Old Grouch - CyberWar

SPaG 5/5
No real grammar errors, except for what flows with the voice.

T&V 2.5/5
The voice starts strong, but stumbles, getting lost in its own metaphors and many clauses. (The ‘wolves’ motif gets old fast.)

Eval 1.5/5
Well, it’s not really a story, is it? I was fooled into thinking it was going to be one because of the first couple paragraphs, which were okay, but after that it really did become a rant. There’s a character but nothing else. 

Reaction 1.5/5
Like I said, there wasn’t much of a story. I felt like I was reading a social media post. 

10.5/20
-----------

Fools - Carcosan Herald

SPaG 5/5
No errors noted.

T&V 3/5
There was decent use of rhetorical techniques like repetition and sentence variety, but it got lost in its own vagaries. It’s all very general; it feels like it could be any character in any story. Also, sometimes the emotional thrust hit awkward hitches, like the line, “Oh, and don’t forget about the seething blood rage.”

Eval 2/5
So … who is he? What ‘war,’ is he fighting in? Is he protecting the citizens? Fighting for the oligarchy? Against it? It’s not really clear to me. I can tell that he’s angry but the framework that he’s angry in is lost on me. 

Reaction 1.5/5
I couldn’t really connect to the protagonist. He disdains the general populace … because they’re not fighting in a war they don’t even know exists? I think what makes this story hard to make any real connection to is I don’t know what this ‘war’ he keeps referencing [/FONT]_is_[FONT=&Verdana]. War is hell, it’s all meaningless, etc., etc., but with nothing solid to ground me in this attitude, I feel like I’m overhearing the angry rant of some stranger (who happens to have a good grasp of rhetoric, at least). 

11.5/20
------------

Legacy Interrupted - anon
[FONT=&Verdana]
SPaG 4/5 [/FONT]
A misspelling of “sergeant,” and there’s no spaces between the paragraphs in the later segment.

T&V 2.5/5
The voice was pretty plodding and dry in places, with some awkward phrasing. Like the phrase “grabbed his son by the nape of his neck.” I assume you mean affectionately, but it sounds aggressive. It gets better in the dialogue segment, but the protagonist’s internal monologue drags.

Eval 2.5/5
You have something going here, starting with a decently sympathetic character, and then a twist. It does drag quite a bit, though, particularly in the first half, and the characters are a little flat. The connection to the prompt in the last line feels shoehorned in. 

Reaction 2/5
Some interesting near-future speculation. But there are already laws against excessive force? I like that you neither dehumanize the protagonist nor justify his actions. It just fell kind of flat for me, though, and didn’t feel really fleshed out. It wasn’t very visceral, and the prose stumbled for me. 

11/20
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In The Middle of the Night - rcallaci

SPaG 4/5
There were some grammar ‘errors’ that felt natural to the flow and so were okay, but there were a couple that threw it off, like, “I’m not making this up, I know, I know, I was a young call girl with a rap sheet…” I think there should be either a semicolon or period after “making this up.”

T&V 3.5/5
The slightly rambly, frenetic pace works for this story, because you get the feel of how crazy this all is to her, still. I think the voice kind of ‘hitches’ at the end, as she suddenly becomes menacing. Intentional, perhaps?

Eval 3/5
I like how quickly you build sympathy for the protagonist and put me in her head. There’s some genuine humor. I thought in the final segment (after the section break) the new concept (Gaia’s anger, humanity’s doom) gets introduced too fast and sudden; there was no hint of it in the previous segment so it just comes out of nowhere and doesn’t seem to ‘tie in.’ 

Reaction 2.5/5
I found the protagonist endearing and funny: such fangirl-y, manic energy. There were times when it felt needlessly flippant and gross, though. The stuff with her being both Gaia’s daughter and mother is creepy, which could be either a flaw or a plus, depending on perspective. 

13/20
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-half passed fore- - anon

SPaG 4/5
I can’t tell who’s speaking in the paragraphs that start with “Crazy!” and “CO2…” Is it Dean or a new voice?

T&V 4/5
The voice is the best part of this, honestly. Solid enlisted-technician vibes.

Eval 2/5
Although the jargon gave a distinct feel, I honestly had no idea what was going on or what they were talking about. Not even in an ethereal, poetic way. I got a vague idea of their character dynamic, but I couldn’t follow anything else.

Reaction 2/5
I did like the voice. But I just didn’t understand it. 

12/20
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[/spoiler2]

The new contest, A Voice in the Storm, is already open!


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## bdcharles (Sep 1, 2020)

Woohoo! Thanks judges and hosts. Good to see a comprehensive turnout. As for me, I'm pouring myself a small glass of something sparkling as we speak


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## Tiamat (Sep 1, 2020)

Congrats BD! A well-deserved win! And to our runners up as well! A lot of solid entries--definitely a challenging contest to judge. I'm a little disappointed nobody reached out with a bribe. :lol:


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## bdcharles (Sep 1, 2020)

Tiamat said:


> Congrats BD! A well-deserved win! And to our runners up as well! A lot of solid entries--definitely a challenging contest to judge. I'm a little disappointed nobody reached out with a bribe. :lol:



Who says they didn't? We all have our people on the inside


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## epimetheus (Sep 1, 2020)

Well done everyone, especially the winners, and thanks to judges for their useful insights.

Just a note on the they/them pronoun - I added it in both as a nod to a possible future and to set up the ambiguous end so Alexa was talking to both of _them_. But it as a gender neutral pronoun just felt so unnatural, i'm not surprised it confused people. Not sure i could get the hang of it if the next generation start using it. Is this what getting older feels like?


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## SueC (Sep 1, 2020)

epimetheus said:


> Is this what getting older feels like?



Yes. Yes, it is. Come join us.


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## SueC (Sep 1, 2020)

Good job, bd! You got the chops!


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## undead_av (Sep 1, 2020)

congrats bd and tim! glad we got so many entries this time . . . t'was fun. thank you to all the judges!


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## Taylor (Sep 1, 2020)

bdcharles said:


> Woohoo! Thanks judges and hosts. Good to see a comprehensive turnout. As for me, I'm pouring myself a small glass of something sparkling as we speak :smile:



Congratulations!  Well deserved!!!


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## Taylor (Sep 1, 2020)

undead_av said:


> congrats bd and tim! glad we got so many entries this time . . . t'was fun. thank you to all the judges!



Congrats!  Great story.


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## Mish (Sep 1, 2020)

Thank you to the judges for the great feedback and congrats to the winners!

~the Holo-friend crackled and hissed, obscuring everyone's vision with white noise. They squinted in horror to make out the finer detail, but could not quite grasp what they just observed. Did the figure disappear off their screens of own volition or was he violently pulled away by a mysterious force?


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## Tim (Sep 1, 2020)

Tiamat said:


> Congrats BD! A well-deserved win! And to our runners up as well! A lot of solid entries--definitely a challenging contest to judge. I'm a little disappointed nobody reached out with a bribe. :lol:



I bribed three of the judges. I would have thought that would be enough. It's obviously not the case. (Mental note: _Bribe all of them--all of the time._) :grin:

Congratulations bd and undead. Well done!


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## rcallaci (Sep 1, 2020)

My thanks to the host and judges. You guys had a lot to judge, thank for your time.  A lot of fine pieces and my sincere congrats to BD for one hell of a story and to all who submitted. 

My elf queen wants to thank all of you as well and wants to express her gratitude to Tiamet  for her substitution of yippy yippy yi yay-  it's been changed- fuck yeah

warmest
bob


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## Ibb (Sep 5, 2020)

An absolutely awesome turnout. Great job, everybody, I loved reading this month's entries. Bd, you already know my thoughts on your story--a well-deserved win. Congratulations!


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