# Bar Brawl



## Josh Colon (Nov 4, 2015)

This is a short section from a short story which is from a science fiction novel I'm pretending to write.
If there are any errors or 'amateurish mistakes' please point them out.

Miss Vish-Trillia is the heroine from my novel.

*Bar Brawl*​Instead, there had been the assassin and the police and now Trillia was 'on therun'.  She noticed two young male ruffians following her.  A block later, she noticed three more in front of her, and three more coming up an alley.  She crossed the street, and entered a bar.  Her thought was she would go through the bar, out the back door, and, hopefully, find a way to bar the door, and make an escape.

Inside the bar there were three Marines at the bar, and a girl behind the bar.  She saw a narrow passage leading past the bath rooms, and to the back door.  She turned and went down the passage.  Behind her, the first of the ruffians were entering the bar.    The back door was locked, and Trillia found herself trapped, with no means of escape.  Trillia placed her small case on the floor, right in front of the door, took a half step in front of it and waited for her assailants to come to her.

As the ruffians approached her, she heard one of the last ones to enter the bar telling the Marines “Just sit back in your chair, pops, and suck on your wine.  This is none of your affair.”

Trillia kicked the first of the ruffians in the side of the knee with her rightfoot.  Then she punched him in the eye with her left hand.  As that one was trying to retreat the second ruffian turned sideways to get around him.  Trillia kicked that one in the privates with her left foot and he screamed and started to fall over.  She punched him in the side of the head, then, using her foot, she pushed him back into the ruffians, jumbling and disrupting the assault.

Back in the bar, there were one Gunnery Sergeant, a Sergeant Junior, and a Corporal.  The Sergeant had just been promoted, and the three were celebrating.  The Gunnery Sergeant thought he recognized the look of the dirty looking female who had just entered the bar, and, if she belonged to the House he thought she might belong to, a certain very senior Admiral would be looking for heads if the girl was injured. And then the Marines being males with a certain fondness for the females of their species, well, they were not going to allow the ruffians to have their way with her.

So the Gunnery Sergeant tapped the Corporal on the shoulder, and hand signaled that they were going on the attack.  The Gunnery Sergeant began knocking out the ruffians, then slinging them back out of the aisle, where the Corporal would drag them out and stack them in a corner.  The Sergeant continued chatting with the bar maid, and observing the progress of the other two.  The Marines found it interesting that the screams from the passage were not from the female.

They were down to one ruffian left standing, and two more trying to crawl out of the way.  This last one was approaching Trillia with more caution than the earlier ones had.  Trillia feinted with her left hand, then savagely kicked the male with her right foot, breaking his left knee. As he started to topple, she punched him in the face, then kicked him in the head.  The Gunnery Sergeant caught that one, and slung him back up the passage to the Corporal.

Trillia found herself facing a Marine Gunnery Sergeant – who would almost certainly be better trained at the hand to hand combat than Trillia was.  Trillia was not one to surrender, so she took the form 'Einz' –the first form of a Marine hand to hand combat training drill.

The GunnerySergeant, not wanting to fight Trillia, got his first good look at the girl.  She was much younger than he had first thought.  And, she definitely looked like she ought to be one of the Admiral's Grand-Daughters.  So he held out both hands, palms facing the girl, signaling that he was not going to fight with her.  Then he began backing up.  Trillia settled back out of Einz, but she still stood warily.

>>>

So, how'm I doing?
Want more?
Josh.


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## 20oz (Nov 5, 2015)

It's too basic. There no distinct voice or details to give the story that extra kick. *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe* is whimsical and funny. *Little Bird of Heaven* is mysterious, beautiful and visceral. "Bar Brawl" is... fine.

Normally, repeated words don't bother me at all. But here, I couldn't shrug it off. It's obvious you're afraid of pronouns or, at the least, have an aversion for them. There were many times I just wanted to stop reading because of it.

The biggest culprit was this sentence:



> Inside the bar there were three Marines at the bar, and a girl behind the bar.



Also, if you notice any repeated words, my advice is you should try to re-word your sentence/paragraph. It'll help you to spot them more easily in the future and, hopefully, build your vocabulary.

Example:



> Inside, there were three Marines at the bar being served by a beautiful service attendant.


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## Deleted member 59123 (Nov 5, 2015)

50954090-2530-0-50-4-0460-0-6=-64=-=-4


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## Josh Colon (Nov 5, 2015)

Many Thanks.
So much to learn . . . so much to learn . . . so much to learn.

20oz,
Could you help me out with 'distinct voice'?  

Shane,
You asked for it . . . so I'll put the opening paragraphs from the short story in here.  I've already 'learned' that I should have told the story with a lot more words, instead of rushing through it . . . but I was trying to cover what, in the novel, will take chapters to cover so that I could give some idea of the girls state of mind.

By the way, everybody in the story is of an alien species.  Much like humans, though, and a bar is still a bar  and Voklavian Marines are professional killing machines like the United States Marines are.

>>>
Marines To  the Rescue


Vish-Trillia had 'ran away from home'.  Although, technically, she was of legal
age and as long as she was current in her tithe, which she was, she
could come and go as she pleased. 

Three days before, while taking a long walk to Pimeatoo Point, an assassin had
tried to kill her and throw her corpse over a cliff.  She had beaten
the assassin, and learned that her House, the House of Vish, had put
up the bounty to have her killed.  Which of the Great-Grand-Mothers
had authorized and paid for it, she had no idea.  She had pretended
to be severely distressed at learning this, and when the assassin
tried to push her over the cliff, she threw him over the cliff
instead. 

Two days before, Trillia had visited her bankers and declared an heir to her
money.  It was not her House, she was ensuring that if her House
succeeded in having her killed, it would get nothing.  

Yesterday her picture had been all over the news.  She was a missing person, and a
police inspector wanted to interview her as a person of interest in
the death of the assassin.  She had called the police, and made
arrangements to be interviewed.  She told the police inspector that
she had fled the scene when she heard someone, or something, coming. 
The police inspector had presented her to the Great-Grand-Mothers,
Trillia told them she was leaving, and the inspector then walked her
back out of her House.

Trillia had spent the previous night in what might be described as a 'cheap
hotel'.  Half the residents were prostitutes, and the other half were
what would be accurately described as the dregs of Voklavian society.
 Trillia had not slept well.  She had spent some time studying her
therapy, and was quite angry with the injustices the universe had
inflicted upon her.  When Trillia did sleep, she was having
nightmares from the combat she had endured while in the Fleet.  The
combat, the disaster of her first reproductive cycle, and her refusal
to talk about it had been why her doctor had prescribed the therapy
which included the walk to Pimeatoo Point.  Psychologically speaking,
Trillia was a mess.
>>>

Josh.


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## 20oz (Nov 6, 2015)

Josh Colon said:


> 20oz,
> Could you help me out with 'distinct voice'?




It's a discovery you're going to have to make yourself.

You can:


Read, read as much as you can. Go to a library, pick random books and read. If something speaks to you, you'll know. 
Find authors/writers you admire and copy their style. It's a good starting point until you're ready to move on to your own thing. 
Read How-to books about writing. There will be some valuable information, but most it will be throwaway excess. 

:coffee:


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## CRAlexander (Nov 6, 2015)

There is a lot of description of what's happening, which is good, but little explanation beyond.  There's no emotion anywhere.  How is Trillia feeling at any point?  Is she calm?  Is she panicking?  I don't know, but I would almost certainly be more invested if I did.

You've got a heavy use of commas.  Try reading it aloud, and remember that every comma is a pause to a count of 1 (periods are 2, paragraphs 3).  Doing this will help improve issues with flow, and can also help you identify awkward phrasing, repeated words, etc.

There is lots of conflict in this, easily enough to carry the story.  Good, that's important.  No conflict = no story.

I like that you didn't rely on the Marines to save Trillia.  Whatever she did to get herself into this situation doesn't matter, it's more interesting that she saved herself.  Marines to the rescue would be horribly cliche, and the fact that they were surprised she could take care of herself adds an element of realism to the situation.

Show, don't tell.  You told me that the Gunnery sergeant didn't want to fight Trillia, then you had him use non verbal cues to show her.  Those non verbal cues are great!  We all understand what they mean, he's not there to hurt her.  Maybe he wants to help her even.  Telling us, the reader, he doesn't want to fight becomes redundant when you go on to show it.  As a general rule when you find redundancy, pick the stronger section (showing vs telling) and cut the other.

Above all keep writing.  You'll find that voice no other way.  Absolutely keep reading as well.  Read anything and everything you can and want to, don't worry about what genre it is.  A good mix of genres will give you a more rounded skill set as a writer.


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## Josh Colon (Nov 7, 2015)

Thank You, CRAlexander.
I have copied out these critiques, and saved them for later study.
(One of these days I'll get ambitious again, and maybe try re-writing this better.)
In the meantime, assuming this is being well received . . . Continuing from the bar brawl . . .

>>
Trillia settled back out of Einz, but she still stood warily.
 
Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via backed up, then turned and went around the corner
to the bar.  He said to the girl, “Keys, back door, please.”
 
While fumbling with the keys, separating out the one for the back door, the girl
told Sergeant Tora-Via “I've called the police.  They should be here soon.”

“OK,” said Tora.  “Sergeant, I want you to stay here till the police get near,
then slide out the front.  Miss, if you would, please.  I'd like you
to tell the police that these eight was assaulting a young girl, and
that three Marines in the bar beat them then snuck out the back with
the girl.  And, you have no idea who we were.  Can you do that?”

“Sure thing, Tora.  Is the girl all right?”

“Not a scratch on her,” replied Tora.  “Sergeant, get your car and pick
us up over on Villie Street.”

“Will do Gunney,”  answered the Sergeant.

Sergeant Tora then walked back around the corner towards Trillia,
holding his left hand, palm open out front, and his right hand
prominently displaying the key.
 
Trillia gave the Gunney a cautious little smile, and stepped clear of the door. 
Tora unlocked the door, then picked up Trillia's little case and
opened the door.  He made a flourish and Trillia smiled again, and
stepped through the door, followed by the Corporal.  Tora tossed the
keys to the Sergeant, then stepped through allowing the door to close
and lock behind them.

“My name is Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via, and this is Corporal Festus-Gunne.” 
Said the Gunney.  Handing the small case to Festus and motioning them
to go on up the alley.

“Thank you for rescuing me.”  Said Trillia.  Falling in beside Festus, walking
on up the alley. 

The Gunnery Sergeant looked like he was trying to answer his phone, and he said
“I think I need to take this.  Wait for the Sergeant on Villie Street,”  he told them.

Trillia was wondering if she was going to have to fight the Corporal for the
return of her property, or would he give her back her case.  She
walked beside Festus, heading for the end of the alley.
 
Sergeant Tora turned his back, and started dialing his phone.  It rang, then it
answered, “Admiral Vish-Nu's Office.”

Now Gunnery Sergeant Tora Via had once been a Sergeant, assigned to duty in the
House of Vish, protecting Admiral Vish-Nu.  Admiral Vish-Nu was a
four star, and a member of the Voklavian Admiralty.  As such, the
Admiral had a small detachment of Marines, permanently assigned to
protect the Admiral, and whatever else she felt needed protecting. 
Occasionally when a little girl from the House of Vish went missing,
a few of the Marines would be re-assigned from whatever training
mission they had, to a task which was informally referred to as the
admirals rabbit hunt.  And the Marine who brought the little girl
back safely would, usually, get a two or three day pass.  If their
duties permitted.

So the Gunney replied, “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via,
and I was wondering if the Admiral had lost one of her rabbits.”

>>>
(To be continued . . . unless someone thinks this is a waste of time.)
Josh.


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## Harper J. Cole (Nov 7, 2015)

Thanks you for posting. I see that you've taken on board the comments from the first two sections; the new entry already has more character detail.

A few potential problems ...



> ... *Admiral* Vish-Nu. *Admiral* Vish-Nu was a
> four star, and a member of the Voklavian *Admiral*ty. As such, the
> *Admiral* had a small detachment of Marines, permanently assigned to
> protect the *Admiral* ...


 

Again, watch for repeating words; 'Admiral' appears five times in this short segment.




> the *admirals* rabbit hunt



​Here you need a possessive apostrophe: 'Admiral's'.




> “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via, and this is Corporal Festus-Gunne*.*”
> *S*aid the Gunney*.* *H*anding the small case to Festus and motioning them
> to go on up the alley.




I think that this needs to all be one sentence, like this: “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via, and this is Corporal Festus-Gunne,” said the Gunney, handing the small case to Festus and motioning them to go on up the alley.




> Sergeant Tora turned his back, and started *dialing his phone*.




This seems quite a present-day phrase; consider having him use a more futuristic piece of equipment.

All in all, though, this is a fun story; feel free to keep posting new sections, or revisions of previous sections. :thumbr:

HC


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## Josh Colon (Nov 8, 2015)

Thank You, HarperCole.
I have added this to the list of amateur mistakes I keep making . . . . eventually I'll work on them.

My Voklavians have warp star ships . . . but never developed the integrated circuit.  (A religious thing - not developed in the story is a super race of aliens who gave the Voklavians warp technology, along with a list of 'forbidden warp geometries' and forbidden technologies.)

I think the cell phone will be a universal business tool - whether it is just a telephone, or today's smart phones and even video teleconferencing in ones hip pocket.

To continue:

So, Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via replied, “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Tora-Via,
and I was wondering if the Admiral had lost one of her rabbits.”

“One moment, please,” answered the secretary.
 
A moment later, the phone spoke again.  “Sergeant Tora, it has been a while.  What
would make you think I lost a rabbit?”  this voice was the Admiral.

“Well, Ma’am,” started Tora, “I was in a bar getting my drinks bought
by a newly promoted Sergeant, and this dirty little female passes
through, followed by eight ruffians.  A corporal and I pounded the
ruffians to the deck, and, when I got a good look at the girl, I was
reminded of what you might have looked like a hundred years ago.”

“Insults will get you nowhere Sergeant.  Describe the girl to me.”

“She's about 1.5 meters tall, maybe fifty kilos mass,” said Tora.  “Wearing a
brown trousers and blouse outfit.  Carrying a small case.  And, she
looked like she'd rather fight than submit.”

“Has she been injured?”  Asked the Admiral. 

 “Not a scratch on her.”  Said Tora.

“Do you think you can stay with her for a little while, protect her?”

“Perhaps,” said Tora.  “She and the Corporal are at the corner, waiting for
the Sergeant and his car.”

“All right. Give me your names, and outfits.  I'll see about getting the three of
you a three day pass.  Keep her safe as long as you can, and do not
bring her here to the House, unless she asks.   Do keep me
informed when you can.”

“Understood, Ma’am,” answered Tora.  “Gunnery Sergeant, Tora-Via, Sergeant
Perez-Menyo, both of Third Battalion, 27[SUP]th[/SUP] Marines. 
Corporal Festus Gunne, also of the 3 of 27 except that Festus is in
the process of transferring to and deploying with Pegasus, in two
days.”

“Got it,” said the Admiral.  “I'll have your command call you and confirm you
have a three day pass.  With the expectation that you'll see Corporal
Gunne makes his ship.  Good luck and good hunting Sergeant.”

“Do you have a name for her Admiral?”  asked Tora.

“No.  Use whatever name she gives you,”  replied the Admiral, hanging up.

Tora put away his phone, and jogged up the alley.  Where he joined Festus and
Trillia.  Around the corner, came Sergeant Perez-Menyo with his car. 
“Can we give you a ride, somewhere, Miss?”  asked Tora.

“I don't know,”  answered Trillia.  “May I have my case back?”  she asked.

Festus immediately gave her back the small case.

“Where were you guys going?”  asked Trillia.

“Anywhere the police are not for the moment,”  answered Tora with a smile.

“All right,"answered Trillia.  “How about we go north?”  and she smiled back at him.

Tora opened the rear door of the car, and waved Festus in, then Trillia.  He walked
around the car and got in on the front passenger side.  “Go north,
Sergeant.”  He paused.  “You know, there is the Heinzel knife
factory up in the hill country.  It's been a while since last I visited.”

Corporal Festus said, “You know I have a ship to catch in two days.”

“I'm sorry, Sergeant, but I did not get your name,”  said Trillia.

“Sergeant Perez-Menyo,” answered the Sergeant.  “And, who might you be?”

“You may call me Miss Lea,”  replied Trillia.

(Should I post more?)
Josh.


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## Joe Christopher (Nov 8, 2015)

You say this is a science fiction story, but my overall feeling is that I don't know what distinguishes these scenes as science fiction. They could take place now or 1993 and I would never know the difference. There is nothing reminiscent of "science fiction" with any of your scene setting. It's something that you need to pay attention to: detail, setting, mood, tone, etc...


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## Josh Colon (Nov 9, 2015)

Joe,
You are correct.
In the story line of the novel I'm pretending to write (which this is a spin off, or maybe a part of) Miss Vish-Trillia (and everyone else in this part of the story)
is of an alien race I call 'Voklavians'.  It starts with her growing up as a typical terrible teenager.  She goes on to the Voklavian equivalent of Star Fleet Academy and there one gets the first 'science fiction' in the novel.  Zero gravity training.  From there she takes 'blind orders' which take her to a Fleet Destroyer and out to the edge of the Empire, where she takes part in a space battle against Humans.  The combat is brutal.  Then the humans manage to initiate communications with the Voklavians, through Trillia, and she manages to negotiate a truce with the humans and the war is ended.  She has an ill fated star crossed love affair, and eventually is discharged from the fleet and sent home.  Pregnant, with no first husband.  (A disgraceful state of affairs for a Voklavian female of her social status.)

Her homecoming is not a pleasant one - she is not about to talk about her love affair, and what she had done while in the fleet has been classified so she is not supposed to talk about that either.  She received a very large bonus from the fleet for what she had done, and one of the Great-Grand-Mothers of her House wants to have her killed so 'she' can inherit her money.

So, Trillia ran away from home and I decided this portion of her story might be fun to write.
And, I've had fun with it.

Should I dump more in here?
Josh.


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## Josh Colon (Nov 9, 2015)

Zero Gravity Training

Now, the Fleet Academy on Utopia is
unique, in that it is the only fleet academy which has its own ship. 
This particular ship has a power plant, but no engines or drives and
is half buried in the ground.  It seems, a thousand or so years ago
when the House of Gunne was, shall we say, constructing the planet
they named Utopia, they had soft landed a large number of old, wore
out space ships for use as housing units.  This particular ship had
been used as a housing unit, then as the structure for a newly
incorporated House.  And, finally, as the first structure for the
fleet academy on Utopia.  Once the Academy had real buildings and
conventional barracks, the ship was rehabilitated into being a ship
board training facility.  It's interior had been refurbished so it
looked and acted like a ship.  Among the more interesting
modifications, was the fact that its life support systems had been
modified, so the air could be any desirable mix, or even a hard
vacuum.  The gravity decking had been upgraded and modified, so that
it could be adjusted for anything from 4 standard gravities, to minus
one standard gravity.  (One would walk on the ceilings at minus one
G.)

The ship's power plant was used to
power the entire academy, and several of the surrounding
neighborhoods.  The ship itself was used for training cadets,
Marines, spacers, and any other organization which might have need of
a flexible training facility which could duplicate most of the
problems a crew might face in space.  Zero gravity training was one
of the most frequently used features.  While all the other Fleet
Academies had a zero gravity training facility, most were just one
large chamber.  Here, the staff had an entire ship they could set for
zero gravity.  Needless to say, the cadets at the Fleet Academy on
Utopia tended to receive three times the zero gravity training that
cadets at the other academies received.

In their first zero gravity training
session, two of the cadets in their squad got sick.  The techs over
seeing this indoctrination session had barf bags for the cadets to
puke into.  And swabs for cleaning up what didn't make it into the
bags.  Leo and Irena being fleet veterans, knew what to expect and
had already done what they knew needed to be done to cope with it. 
Trillia, it seems, was a natural.  She had no problems with it.  And,
her small stature proved to be a decided advantage when maneuvering
around.  Which was fortunate, as those who flunked zero gravity would
find their career selections within the fleet to be severely limited.
 Fail zero gravity, and not have an outstanding academic record and
one could be dismissed from the academy.

>>>

(Yeah, nothing noteworthy emotionally speaking . . .  No dialog . . Perhaps I need to rewrite this such that Trillia is experiencing  the joys of zero gravity training?)
Actually, here I was trying to get through most of her second year at the Academy so I could get to her ship board training.

Josh.




For second year cadets, the year
usually ends a month and a half before the year does for the other
cadets.  This was so that the second year cadets could go on ship
board training and evaluations.  These exercises were as much to
allow the cadets to see and experience what their job options with
the fleet might be as they were for the fleet to evaluate the cadets.


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## Harper J. Cole (Nov 17, 2015)

I shouldn't worry that there's no emotional content; sometimes you've just got to set the scene. You do that effectively here, although there are a few things I'd tweak ...



> soft landed a large number of old, *wore*
> out space ships




Should be 'worn'.




> *And*, finally, as the first structure for the
> fleet academy on Utopia.







> *And* swabs for cleaning up what didn't make it into the
> bags.







> *And*,
> her small stature proved to be a decided advantage when maneuvering
> around.




As a rule, it's best not to start sentences with 'And'.




> rehabilitated into being a *ship **board* training facility




'Shipboard' is one word.




> *It's* interior




No possessive apostrophe for 'its'.




> from 4 standard gravities*,* to minus
> one standard gravity




No comma here, I think.




> *Zero gravity* training was one
> of the most frequently used features. While all the other Fleet
> Academies had a *zero gravity* training facility, most were just one
> large chamber. Here, the staff had an entire ship they could set for
> ...




Again, it's best not to repeat words or phrases too much. 'Zero gravity' is actually used in five consecutive sentences here.

HC


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## Josh Colon (Nov 19, 2015)

Dear HarperCole,
Many thanks.  That is the sort of constructive criticism I *REALLY* need to learn and take to heart.
Josh.


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