# An Empty Page



## Pelwrath (Feb 3, 2018)

*An Empty Page*


Oh you pernicious thing,
mocking us with your emptiness.
We wish to silence your taunts,
fill your black hole with 
hearts blood, as ink.
You’re bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
Twisting our thoughts
In bed with my spouses
but you in our dreams.
You act like a Selkie
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
we smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.


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## Firemajic (Feb 3, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> *An Empty Page*
> 
> 
> Oh you pernicious thing,
> ...



I like this... but [ jmo] feel it would be more personal, if told from your POV....  what do you think?


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## Firemajic (Feb 3, 2018)

Also, your title is giving EVERYTHING away....  hahaa, I can't help but think, while reading... if this was my poem, the title would have to be "I Am Not A Mused"  lol....


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## Pelwrath (Feb 3, 2018)

Fire;

    Thanks for your suggestion. One of the things I've taken from the comments all my poems receive is that personal is a bad thing, in a poem. My first draft was personal but then I checked the feedback from other poems and saw that where I had personalized it, the suggestion was to remove that from the poem.  Now, maybe I misunderstood.
,
As for the title, again, suggestions were that a poems title should be about the poem, not tricking the reader


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## jenthepen (Feb 4, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> *An Empty Page*
> 
> Oh you pernicious thing,
> mocking us with your emptiness.
> ...



I like this, Pel. It's a poem that all writers can relate to and you have the message clear and interesting. I liked Fire's comment about making it personal but I think your caution is also valid. You could maybe make it personal in a subtle way by simply describing the empty page without the pronouns? By doing that, you will make the reader assume it's you doing the talking to the dratted empty page without stating it overtly. I've shown you what I mean below. Otherwise, I really like the snappy message and the resolution at the end is great. 

Oh you pernicious thing,
mocking us with your emptiness.
We wish to silence your taunts, (!)
fill your black hole with 
hearts blood, as ink.
You’re bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
Twisting our thoughts
In bed with my spouses
but you in our (my) dreams.
You act like a Selkie
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
we (I) smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.


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## Firemajic (Feb 4, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> Fire;
> 
> Thanks for your suggestion. One of the things I've taken from the comments all my poems receive is that personal is a bad thing, in a poem. My first draft was personal but then I checked the feedback from other poems and saw that where I had personalized it, the suggestion was to remove that from the poem.  Now, maybe I misunderstood.
> ,
> As for the title, again, suggestions were that a poems title should be about the poem, not tricking the reader




Sorry, guess I should have explained... I thought your poem was about chasing your "muse"..... So, I was playing with words... "I am not A mused"... 
A title is a hook, drawing your reader into your thoughts/ emotions/ message....but should never "tell" or explain.... the title should intrigue.... make your reader WANT to read... [ jmo]


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## Pelwrath (Feb 4, 2018)

I thought your suggestion was very funny and I did think of it, still do.  I am still chasing my muse. I like to laugh and make others laugh.  When people laugh they forget about all that’s bothering them, for a short while and are happy.


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## Pelwrath (Feb 4, 2018)

*


A **Night with a Page*


That pernicious thing,
mocking with its emptiness.
Silence your confounding taunts,
fill that black hole with 
hearts blood, as ink.
Bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
Twisting our thoughts
In bed with our spouses
but you in my dreams.
You act like a Selkie
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
I smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.


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## jenthepen (Feb 4, 2018)

What are your thoughts about this new version, Pel? It works for me but that's not really the point. Sometimes, I worry that you don't take enough time to let your poem and the revisions settle in your mind. Try ignoring this poem for two days and then coming back and reading both versions to see which feels stronger for you. 

This is a solid poem and well worth the time you will spend on it. We all go through this process - _every time_. You are working at an extraordinary elevated level compared to a few weeks ago. There will always be suggestions, no matter how any poem is presented by anyone - because critique is all about personal preferences, so never think that you are not moving forward because changes are suggested, they always will be but don't have to be followed if you can't see their merit.

I think that new title is inspired, by the way. 

jen


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## Pelwrath (Feb 4, 2018)

Thanks Jen and I do plan on letting it sit for a few days before returning. I was doing some other writing this morning and after reading the poem over and working on options from Fire's suggestions, I read yours. and then went into those options and came up with this. Am I happy with it, yes. Is it in a final form I'll accept...don't know yet.

It's the suggestions I do get, which help me know I'm moving forward. They're about different things, concern themselves with different objectives. I may well, at times, take a few steps backwards, which is all about the process of moving forward.  Yes, rushing a poem or story is my biggest failure(?) as a writer. I'm getting better but, the desire to get on page what pops into my mind is a hard horse to contain.
Suggestions/comments will never stop. I'm glad I'm getting them and yes some do sting, but they don't hurt as much. I've a better grasp of their intent, purpose, and goal. The more poetry I read here, the more I become familiar with the styles of those who do comment and that helps me understand their POV.
You, Fire, Tuesday, Darkkin, and others have all helped me reach that level.


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## jenthepen (Feb 5, 2018)

That's great, Pel. You're right about getting to know the other writers too. It certainly makes it easier to understand their critiques when you understand their approach. I'm glad things are coming together for you.


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## Firemajic (Feb 5, 2018)

LOOOOOVE the new title! Soooo clever!:champagne:


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## Pelwrath (Feb 7, 2018)

Been a few days and made a few changes.*







A Night with a Page*


That pernicious thing,
mocking us with its emptiness.
Silence your confounding taunts,
we’ll fill that black hole 
with hearts blood, as ink.
Bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
In bed with our spouses
but you’re in my dreams,
twisting our thoughts.
You act like a Selkie.
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
I smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.


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## jenthepen (Feb 8, 2018)

I like this, Pel. You are showing the frustration that a blank page can create in us. Take a look at the three lines starting from _In bed with our spouses_. You jump from _our_ to _my_ and back to_ our._ I think you need to be consistent, one way or another. It's a small point but the sort of thing that jars a reader out of the flow of your poem.

 And, hey, you have a personification poem!


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## Pelwrath (Feb 8, 2018)

I will have one, just figuring out how much to sandbag!\\/



Oh, you ment that this is a personification poem.:raindeer:


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## Darren White (Feb 8, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> Oh, you ment that this is a personification poem.:raindeer:



Yeah, it really is


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## Pelwrath (Feb 8, 2018)

Would this be acceptable for me to submit since I’ve had help with it?


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## Firemajic (Feb 8, 2018)

Pel, if you feel this poem is finished, and you have little or no interest in improving it/. or would be resistant to any changes... then, no... it would not be appropriate....because the Pip is about improving. However, if you feel there is room for improvement, then I have no problem with you entering it in the Pip challenge, if jen and PiP approve....


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## Pelwrath (Feb 8, 2018)

I won’t submit it. Yes, it could be improved on but I never knew it was a personification poem. I’ve had people offer suggestions and that, to me, violates the purpose of the PIP. So, thanks for the offer but I’ll try and come up with a poem for that challenge, which this one wasn’t.


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## Pelwrath (Feb 8, 2018)

*A Night with a Page*


That pernicious thing,
mocking us with its emptiness.
Silence your confounding taunts,
we’ll fill that black hole 
with hearts blood, as ink.
Bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
In bed with our spouses
but you’re twisting our dreams,
You act like a Selkie.
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
We smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.


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## jenthepen (Feb 9, 2018)

I think this is one you can keep and be proud of, Pel.


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## Pelwrath (Feb 9, 2018)

I’m rather happy with it myself. Following the process and the end result.  Thanks to all of you for your input.


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## poski11 (Feb 11, 2018)

Hi Pelwrath,

I like the change in the title. I agree with Jen about cutting pronouns. I think revision2 L10 “but you in my dreams” works much better than revision3 L9 “but you’re twisting our dreams”; I don’t see how two people can share the same dream, unless the “spouse” is your muse as Firemajic thought. If not my first thought was did your spouse help with writing the poem? Is she just as stressed about the empty page as you; consider revision3 L15 “We smile at what’s been created” (who is the we referring to) and Revision3 L4 “we’ll fill that black hole” (who is considered the we)?

Revision3 L4 “we’ll fill that black hole” while a strong image doesn’t work for me because of the definition of a black hole (once something enters nothing gets out, especially light). If you fill a black there is nothing to see. Does that make sense?

This is a poem that I can relate to every time I open my notebook and I think it’s on the right track.

Poski11


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## Pelwrath (Feb 11, 2018)

I need to see them both at the same time
Rev #2

*A Night with a Page


That pernicious thing,
mocking us with its emptiness.
Silence your confounding taunts,
we’ll fill that black hole 
with hearts blood, as ink.
Bedlam incarnate,
a proxy for despair.
In bed with our spouses
but you’re in my dreams,
twisting our thoughts.
You act like a Selkie.
look like a Kitsune.
Always consuming,
never sated.
When drained and tired,
I smile at what’s been created,
and that always drives you away.



REV #3

**A Night with a Page*


*That pernicious thing,*
*mocking us with its emptiness.*
*Silence your confounding taunts,*
*we’ll fill that black hole *
*with hearts blood, as ink.*
*Bedlam incarnate,*
*a proxy for despair.*
*In bed with our spouses*
*but you’re twisting our dreams,*
*You act like a Selkie.*
*look like a Kitsune.*
*Always consuming,*
*never sated.*
*When drained and tired,*
*We smile at what’s been created,*
*and that always drives you away.*




*The "we" is all writers.    No, people don't have the same dream but they have similar dreams, hence using "our" for all writers dreams of a story/poem.*

*Now, POV, IMHO, been called on this in all my poems, so is it an issue  or a case of some readers like and some readers don't?  Next, yes, all suggestions are at my whim, though improving the poem is the objective. So, when or how do I know if my direction is best for the poem?

I'll let it stew for a few days.*


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## jenthepen (Feb 12, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> * So, when or how do I know if my direction is best for the poem?
> 
> I'll let it stew for a few days.*



As a writer, every time I get a crit or a suggestion on my work, I consider it very carefully and re-read my poem with the suggested change. If it feels like an improvement to me it stays, if not, I leave things alone. Only the poet can know when their poem feels good, better or great. It is an expression of _your own _ideas, emotions and thoughts, after all. Others make suggestions based on the way they perceive what you have written and sometimes they come up with a change that you know immediately is brilliant - that's when you grab it with both hands and wish you had thought of it yourself.  Trust your own judgement to decide on changes, work from a position of confidence. Unless you find your own voice and work towards self expression you will forever be writing other people's perspectives. I'm not saying you should disregard critique, just handle it whilst standing firmly in your own perspective, with knowledge of what you are trying to say.

Think of it like customising your own car. Advice will come from all directions about things others would do in your place. Some of the ideas might chime with your own desired result for the car, others won't. You'd not keep changing the colour each time someone suggested it, you would sort out the suggestions that worked for you. A poem is much more personally important than a car so you must stand beside it and judge advice from that perspective.

Just been reading about all this in the Poetry Discussion forum. You should check it out, especially this post.


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## TuesdayEve (Feb 12, 2018)

Hi Pel, 
I think this is one of your best so far... personally, I
like the original best and truthfully, I haven’t read all
the reviews to know others advice, but I like the 
rhythm of #2& #3 very much.


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## Pelwrath (Feb 12, 2018)

???


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## poski11 (Feb 13, 2018)

Pelwrath,

Thanks for pointing out that the "we" implies all writers. I agree with Jen about how to make the best use of critiques.


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