# April 2013 - LM - Bubbles - Scores



## Fin

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Bubbles


Unfortunately, not all the judges were able to get their scores in. Hope all goes well for that person. Let me know if you notice any mistakes in this. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Bazz Cargo, Moderan, and Bad Craziness for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Bazz Cargo**Moderan**Bad Craziness**Average**Dictarium*17171315.6*TheCostumeDanceParty*161613.515.16*Pluralized*18161817.3*The Jaded*151816.516.5*Jacob Anfinson*16181315.6*Staff Deployment*19N/A1511.3*Inchidoney*151610.513.83*Jon M*192018.519.16*Namesake*1519613.3*KRHolbrook*151814.515.83*Circadian*19171517*Gargh*19N/A17.512.16*Moderan*N/AN/AN/AN/A*FleshEater*171718.517.5*Pigletinportugal*19171617.3*Bazz Cargo*N/AN/AN/AN/A*RustGold*16191717.3*Kevin*20191718.6*NathanBrazil*19191317*Foxee*17171516.3*Lewdog*17191517*Leyline*16201818*Spartan928*19191517.6


In third place, we have *Leyline* with his entry *They Eventually Live in the Metropolis.*
In second, we have *Kevin* with his entry *Zenuba.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Jon M* with his  entry *Clean.*


Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for a good read.

[spoiler2=Bazz Cargo’s scores]

*Dictarium.
“Untitled”
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

Some very minor niggles that are not worth docking a point for.
Today was another, warm, summer afternoon, though not quite as happy, heart-warming, or bubble-filled as those ones he used to have with his dad. Snap! Your Achilles heel is the comma.

plastic bottle that had a label on it that said “Wonder Bubbler!”

plastic bottle labeled “Wonder Bubbler!”


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Alfred Anthony Walker. From the outset you had a rock solid character.


*Effect | 8-10 points.*

It may not have been the most original story but it was well thought through. The mind pictures and the range of emotions are very good.


*Review:*

This is the first thing of yours I have read and it was worth it. An easy to read, simple, story told plainly. Although I'm a bit doubtful over the 'cliffhanger ending.' You made a good job of sticking to the prompt.

There are some nice descriptions and some clever details. This is possibly worth expanding to a novella.

Great start. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Bazz


*TheCostumeDanceParty
“Life in a Bubble”*

*Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

Some very minor niggles that are not worth docking a point for.

Frictitious Can't find it anywhere except a made up word dictionary.

captain sphere, Capitalization.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Each little snippet comes together as a whole. There is a consistency of light touches and clever, out of kilter misdirection.


*Effect | 7-10 points.*
It has originality which gained you a point. There is enough strangeness to hold my interest. It is definitely creative but it has little in the way of emotional connectivity.

*Total 16/20*


*Review:*

Once again I am unfamiliar with your work. I had to read this more than once just to get where you were coming from. Prancing after it, I look like the lunatic camp counselor I am. Then we eventually get to the egg. It puts me in mind of the curates egg.

staring into the transparent rainbow-tinted abyss. Truly golden.

An experiment well worth trying. The connectivity between some segment and the final egg reveal wasn't all that clear to me, I think the word restriction was a bit too tight for complete success.

I enjoyed reading this, thank you
Bazz


*Pluraized
“Come Fly With Me”

Spelling and Grammar |5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

A better SpaG Meister might be able to spot a flaw; if it is there it got by me.

*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Mad as a bag of frogs.


*Effect | 8-10 points.*

A totally unexpected visit to a lunatics mind. Thankfully you avoided the 'I awoke' ending.


*Total 18/20*


*Review:*

Not the kind of work I can expect any emotional connectivity other than thinking 'What The Hell?'

I, being livid with the purest of ninja blood, cartwheeled to the side and behind a brick pilaster. The pop of gunfire was followed with a cartoonish zinging of ricochet, then the air was punctuated once more with a dentured howling as Gramps’s wrists learned a chapter about recoil.

It goes on and on and on. For a short piece this works, a book of this frenzy would wear me down and I found the swearing rather superfluous.

I enjoyed reading this, thank you
Bazz


*The Jaded
“Last Stand”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

It looked like some of the commas were superfluous.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

A neatly split voice to cover the game and reality.


*Effect | 6-10 points.*

A nice slice of dual strand story telling.


*Total 15/20*

*Review:*

Excellent set up; unfortunately I guessed the outcome. Probably because it has been used in the LM so often. I felt sad that it didn't end in the brave defender's death on a planet far far away.

Good imagery, nice dialogue, little in the way of emotional contact but an effective use of wordage.

A sturdy attempt at thinking out of the box.

A cool story
Thanks for sharing
Bazz


*Jacob Anfinson
“Champagne Dream”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

Just a tiny bit of tidying round the edges.

The light from the overhead fixtures turned down to the lowest setting provided a solemn atmosphere and (not that Frank would admit it) saved money.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*


*Effect 7-10 points.*


*Total 16/20*


*Review:*
Nice opening. Neatly done dialogue. Very subtle but effective emotional content. Sadly we no longer have the traditional smokey bar with a jaded piano player. Crisp imagery. Good content for such a small amount of wordage.


I liked this a lot
Bazz


*Staff Deployment
“Abandoned Building”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Good use of present tense. I think moulded-over should be changed for something better.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Sharp. Well observed and understated but effective.


*Effect 9-10 points.*

Nicely chilled and a little sad.


*Total 19/20*


*Review:*

The word count is 650, keep an eye on it.
Good concept. A creative and imaginative story with a good twist. You paint scenes with a ruthless efficiency.

Loved it
Bazz


*Inchidoney
“My Bubbles Burst”

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.*

Very few nits.
Bubbles, never before had I experienced anyone quite like Bubbles, probably unlikely to again.

Bubbles... I have never before and I will probably never again experience anyone quite like Bubbles.

It is easier for the reader if you break up individual dialogue and paragraphs .

Bubbles turning the key, “are you going straight home?”

“Yes, I’m hungry, haven’t eaten anything other than a sandwich late afternoon.”

“Don’t worry, come with me, we’ll have supper at my place.”

My mind and other parts of my body are in overdrive, yes, yes, yes!


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

I liked the tinge of melancholia.


*Effect | 7-10 points.*

A subtle revenge by a damaged but driven woman. Very clever.

*Total 15/20*


*Review:*

There is a lot of good stuff here. A psychological twist that seems out of place with the final sentence. There are some good lines: Almost immediately after our night of decadence. Then you slip in a little goofball: we melting together as liquid chocolate.

I found this interesting with good, clear readability and a lot of potential.

I enjoyed this
Bazz


*Jon M
“Clean”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

I would have put Mom's opining lines in quotes.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

A great job of a tough POV. Very sad and not a little disturbing.


*Effect 9-10 points.*

An extraordinary downbeat view of life and drug addiction.

*Total 19/20*


*Review:*

A bleak and effective warning. A very strong story with undertones that leave me in need of a good laugh to chase away the blues. It all dovetails neatly and the picture is crystal clear.

I can't say I enjoyed it, but I'm glad I read it.
Thank you
Bazz


*Namesake
“The Escape from Fences Made from Trade Robots to Workers”

Spelling and Grammar 2/5 - Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors.*

Very rough and in places incomprehensible. Good use of punctuation.

*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Oddly poetic and rather effective.


*Effect 8-10 points.*

Man made machines debating the worth of humanity. Not new but still worth exploring.


*Total 15/20*


*Review:*

Stand by for my take on your story.

Evil does exist and at all times people need to be wary.

Robots stand in the dark on top of a skyscraper. Water is flushed down drains and pipes. It is full of soap from dirty dish-washing creating vast fields of lamp lit bubbles in the streets.

“Why doesn’t the oil come cheap now that it’s paid and dirty,” Amok said.

“What say you?” A robot said to another robot. “What if we were walls and could cause problems?” Screwer said later alluding to the buying of oil.

“Then you wouldn’t need me,” said the Business-Thinking bot, its mind on lakes of gasoline.

"I know you think life makes sense when I used to record other people’s lives with my cameras," (said who?)

“As a robot I was new at business and manufacturing over-the-counter items.” (Said who?)

Amok the older robot model ran errands and did jobs for his boss. Many who had followed his orders were now in a scrap heap. Sometimes they had done other jobs. Robots built and ran the prisons.

A citizen bullied his kid because he had not done his homework. He said it had been eaten by a dog. As for the fish, he killed it without any sorrow. (?)

There was a belief that prison walls could hear what the inmates talked about.

Contradicting humanity’s calmness the neighborhood thought they were a world where business had brought them peace. (?)

The man who profited by watering down the oil had sullied his own reputation. He blamed the robots and sprayed them with fierce jet of water.

The people who saw the film of what happened rose up and protested to the keepers of the law. Robots working with diseased equipment in places where it is dirty and dark. Criminals know this, they watch and wait. Only androids that work for the police are capable of patrolling such a beat. It was odd there was such a market but it had been made into a police documentary ridiculing what was the start of dead person's life. One detailing a genetic mutation, and not a full-blooded human.

I have to stop here, from now on I have no idea what you are trying to say.

Those tickets became life stories often soiled business when found and sold to people. It was a metaphor for the human with no face or not human and who had created business and who the robot did not see as having a face. The robots could not see human qualities. What they saw was business.

The memories could not come sooner for.

Okay, my friend. There is some good stuff here but it is drowned out by the confusion. A lot of this doesn't seem to be connected to anything, just random thoughts. Yet there is some kind of gritty realism and stoic philosophy. The whole is better than the sum of its parts. Thank you for taking part in the contest, it has brought your work to my attention.

Thank you for an interesting read
Bazz


*KHHolbrook
“Reflection”

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.*

Elena Richards felt alive as she enjoyed a run through the park. On this particular day no clouds interrupted the clear sky.

There are bits and pieces littered throughout the story. Never enough to disrupt the read.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

The slightly poetic tone works well and the overall feel doesn't alter.


*Effect|7-10 points.*

A modern gloss to an old plot. It works quite well

*Total 15/20*

*Review:*

In such a remarkably small word-space we learn a lot about your MC. There is a great deal of good here. The story is easy to read and has plenty of depth. The twist is a bit inexplicable. You definitely have a powerful imagination but you have some work to do on the technical side. I will be interested to see how you progress.

I enjoyed reading your work
Bazz


*Circadian
“Pretend”*

*Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

I would have written thoughts or internal dialogue in italics.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

An odd one here. I would have written it with more panic and a lot less introspective. Fortunately this was good enough for me to be able to suspend my critical inner daemon and enjoy the ride.


*Effect 9-10 points.*
Death by drowning. A little touch of Brazil. (The Movie).

*Total 19/20*

*Review:*

A strong picture with odd undertones. More melancholy rather than in my face. For such a short piece you pack a lot of information in. Only I never got to find out how the MC got into the water; something I would have on my mind in similar circumstances. It is also a little emotionally distant.

Strange. The burning was gone. The warmth was there. It felt…nice. I didn’t beg so much the next time I opened my mouth.

Some lovely lines.
Very good stuff.
Bazz


*Gargh
“Untitled”


Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

If, he thought, time was linear, then this was like bubbles

Using italics to identify the internal thoughts helps the reader.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Strong and rock solid all the way through.


*Effect 9-10 points.*

You take me deep into the emotional journey the MC is on.

*Total 19/20*

*Review:*

A magnificent snapshot of a bad time in someones life. Touching and well pictured. Despite this being done many times before you managed to capture my attention and make it feel refreshed.

Thank you for a great read
Bazz
(Oh, and your name really should have a ! after it). (Gargh!)


*Moderan
“Speed bumps in the Bimini Road”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

The one was Kuma was touching was now underwater.
One edit short of perfection.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

The matter of fact/documentary style suited the subject. Rock solid all the way through.


*Effect |9-10 points.*

Sharp, well observed and minimalist.

*Review:*

A deeply enjoyable slice of time-shift sci fi. I like the way your MC travels without the aid of scientific gimmicks. It stands alone and yet is not enough. There is at least a novella's worth required to satisfy my curiosity.

Great stuff
Bazz


*FleshEater
“The Open Road”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

This is a tough one because the style requires some bending of the rules.

It would benefit me as a reader if you separated the though process from the rest of the prose; maybe with “speech” marks or italics.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Off kilter and intriguing all the way.


*Effect 8-10 points*

Despite the rather overdone 'hitcher' theme this was different enough to gain a point.

*Total 17/20*

*Review:*

Bad madness and chills. I like the way you imply rather than graphically describe. I like the Marylin nod.

She looks at me, at him.

she’s asking who I’m talking to, who’s Jasper.

Beware of plot bloopers. Unless the message got garbled during an edit.

A well executed and highly polished version of an old and trusted friend. With your skill level I'm sure you could redo this and add something with a WOW! Factor.

Great read.
Bazz


*Pigletinportugal
The Soothing Magic of Bubbles


Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

My head feels it’s about to explode. How do parents cope with this hell twenty-four-seven and remain sane? I sing another verse of ‘if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’.

Tip of the week: You can separate thoughts or internal dialogue by a simple italic trick.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

I cannot help but like Uncle Charles and Amy.


*Effect | 10-10 points.*

Well observed and mildly amusing.


*Total 19/20*

*Review:*

When I dig beneath the deceptively simple surface of this story I find it far more complex than most. The Uncle's relationship and his work ethic are clearly defined. Amy is a good study of children at that age. The tone is perfect. Lovely details. A gold standard effort.

I loved this
Bazz


*Bazz Cargo
“Satisfaction”*

Judges Entry


*RustGold
“Bubble Project”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

much like Lord Castleton’s head, whose...”

*Click*

“…only function--“

“Hey, I was listening to that.”

Lost me for a moment there. Was something edited out only to leave a trace behind?


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

A young sibling squabble, neatly done.

*Effect 7-10 points.*

You can challenge a reader but don't expect the challenge to be accepted.

*Total 16/20*

*Review:*

I failed to gain a sense of continuity. The start didn't seem to match the conclusion.

The individual sections were done well and the imagination behind the concept is strong. The execution is a bit too erratic for my taste. Perhaps sticking to one theme would help.

A good experimental piece.
I'm glad I read it
Thanks
Bazz


*Kevin
“Zenuba”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Played me and I enjoyed it.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Neat bit of MC chicanery.


*Effect | 10-10 points.*

There is such a thing as being too clever for your own good.

*Total 20/20*

*Review:*

Right...650 words and one story. Not good enough eh? There are comedic actors who look down the lens of the camera and address the audience at home. You have just written the first one I have read.

Lots of nice words later. And you will have to try writing without resorting to swearing.

You won me over
Bazz


*NathanBrazil
“Cleaning Day”

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

A little choppy in the pacing.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Hard and dumb with hints of dark humour.


*Effect 10-10 points.*

A bad day on The Firm's payroll.

*Total 19/20*

*Review:*

There are some great lines in this: His shirt so closely matched the patterns of the couch it might have birthed him.

A modern day Mob politics featuring blood, tough guys with a speech impediment and litter. For all the success of this story it still lacks a lot. Possibly a novels worth. Even unto the epicaricacy of the ending. Oh, and I found it made a big difference if I read it in an Italian accent.

Not the kind of story my Auntie would read, but I enjoyed it.
Bazz


*Foxee
“The Hookey Effect”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

If there is anything wrong with this I failed to spot it.


*Tone and Voice 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

I felt the tone of the piece should have been more panicky at the point where the city full of people were searching.


*Effect 8-10 points.*

You capture my attention but I failed to connect some of the dots.

*Total 17/20*


*Review:*

A strong picture and a good level of readability. I just couldn't get from A to B without feeling I missed something. Maybe it was edited too far to fit the wordage. Was it the end of the world? Alien invasion? A moment of passing over? I missed a clue and I feel like something important has slipped through my hands.

This has followed me around and niggled at me for days.

Thank you for a puzzle that I have enjoyed.
Bazz


*Lewdog
"Under the Sea"

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

Nothing that I could put my finger on, but it read a bit... stiff.


*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

A strong use of voice with a consistent tone.


*Effect 8-10 points.*

Well presented and easy to read.

*Total 17/20*

*Review:*

The things we do to make ends meet. While the picture is good there is no real charge to the emotional response from Bubbles. This is one of the few stories I have read that has an interesting personal choice between survival or self respect. Perhaps first person may help with laying out her reasoning and internal struggle.

I liked this a lot
Bazz


*Leyline
“Metropolis”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Very strong and the disjointed effect of being under the influence was nicely judged.


*Tone and Voice 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

Good but rather analytical for an old soak.


*Effect 7-10 points.*

This is very clever and a lot too knowing.

*Total 16/20*

*Review:*

This is so close to perfect. The shift of POV is a neat trick. Sadly, what threw me was the overcomplexity of the style. What should have been an emotional journey was glossed over.

Sometimes I learn a hell of a lot when reading LM entries. You are a great teacher.

Thank you
Bazz


*Spartan928
“Boiling Point”

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Gabe winded up

*Tone and Voice 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Bang on the money.

*Effect 9-10 points.*

Okay, so this has been done every which way and then some. But it still works for me.

*Total 19/20*

*Review:*

Nice fight; quick and cheap on the wordage. Interesting characters. Good documentary style that suits the subject. The better something is the less there is to say about it.

Great stuff
Bazz


*General notes:*

When judging I copy all work temporarily into Libre Office and strip out the special effects. Why some writers insist on various sized fonts or putting the whole story in a quotation format I don't know. There are many tricks a writer should use: Italics in appropriate places for example.

This was a hell of a tough competition. There are some world class writers here. Well done everyone.

L'Bazz


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Moderan's scores]

Thanks as always for writing. I mean that! I read all of the stories whether I'm a judge or no. Sometimes my remarks may seem curt, but it is always with appreciation that I make them. Usually I'm ready to send the crits when the contest ends, but this time I took another day, just to go over them one more time, to make sure that my comments were cogent, if colloquial.
19 stories this round. Excellent ones, too.

You know my system by now. You get 15 points right off the bat. I rarely take off more than a point for any of spag, style, effect. You get honest analysis. If you want more or to hash something out, hit me with a pm.

Thanks to Fin for another excellent presentation.


*Dictarium
“Untitled”*

The first sentence is a little inexact. I take your meaning but the structure makes me think that the grass is a comb. Otherwise there are no spagnits to speak of. Irony abounds, though I admit to being thrown off a little by the penultimate statement in the second paragraph-"They had been separated and living in different houses for a long time now, but that was just because they had different personalities."

Why then are they having dinner together and arguing, as if it's an everyday occurrence? That doesn't make sense to me. That'd need to be fixed for the rest of the piece to parse properly. As is, it's just ok. Could be good.

17 points


*thecostumedanceparty
“Life in a Bubble”*

A "floating soapy orb floats" in the opening sentence. This is the only definition I could find for "frictitious"-A lie told with the intent to stir up trouble between other people; An adjective to describe such a liar. "Andy told me some frictitious story about Jenna and Ed, looking to get a rise out of me. He seems to thrive on agitation."

I like the countdown to extinction sort of motif...isn't really suspenseful in this context but it's a good enough plot skeletion for a flash. It's just that there are too many misused words and awkwardnesses here. The narrator (an attempt at unreliable maybe?) goes from what is assumed to be an onlooker to perhaps the personification of the bubble...I get that the narrator is perhaps suicidal and delusional but the weird metaphors just get in the way. Sorry to be harsh but I had a hard time assimilating this. Thanks for entering though. Kudos for that.

16 points


*Pluralized
“Come Fly With Me”*

Weird. I had a bit of trouble following along. There are a lot of what I'd consider unnecessary words here--"But certainly indefensible" being an example. A whole kielbasa in the hors d’oeuvres tray? Overkill.

Unreliable narrator again, I'd guess. I don't know. At the end, the narrator is M. Buble, and the punchline doesn't make sense to me. The surrealism doesn't really fit as the action goes from wwe to noir, Grampa from feeble to nimble. There are moments of strange humor where the thing almost connects, but just almost. Again, thanks for trying.

16 points


*The Jaded
“Last Stand”*

Ha! A child's imaginary defense of his alien realm stands in for the it-was-all-a-dream plot with decent results here. There are a couple of clunky sentences, and I dunno about a child of indeterminate age using the phrase "pallid infectious taint"...that elevates the age determination somewhat, past the level where I'd buy standing on the back fence fighting soap bubbles as a pastime. But it reads decently, no other spagnits to speak of, and the voice and scene are clear and well-developed.

18 points


*J Anfinson
“Champagne Dream”*

Most taverns have a closing time, due to varied legalities. Frank could keep people around but he'd have to lock up and all that. If a member of the gendarmerie appeared, there could be an issue.

Otherwise this wistful portrait works fairly well. The kindly narrator and the old man are pretty clearly defined, and Frank is who he is. I'm not sure how you can see the pity in someone's eyes, and I'd have liked to see a few more words to flesh out the piece-you're 126 under the limit. Laudable attempt though.

18 points


*Staff Deployment
“Abandoned Building”*

So he killed her? That's left sorta ambiguous but the conclusion is inescapable if you connect with the "hanting him for the rest of his life". The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime, according to the cliche.

No real nits outside of the run-on sentence in the third paragraph. This would have benefited from another edit, I think. Decent as is, but I bet you would have found those missing commas. Unfortunately, www.wordcounttool.com says this has 695 words. I cannot give you the score this would have deserved.


*Inchidony
“My Bubbles Burst”*

This proceeds so breathlessly that the "climax" is telegraphed, and it reads like a teenage romantic fantasy. Quite a few spagnits-a you're here where a your would do, awkward sentence structure. This'd fare better as a boy's tale told to another boy...instead there's a looking-backward as an adult quality to the word choice which clashes with the anticipation inherent in the pacing.

I really do recommend the use of a word counter. I'm not going to disqualify anyone for one word or five because I think there's a margin for error in most things...but others may not be so kind.

16 points


*Jon M
“Clean”*

I love that this is in second person, and you've handled that well. There was a misplaced comma somewhere, but I can't pick that nit for a full point. Portrayal of addiction from that angle, two thumbs up. Comfortably numb, Alienation is the craze. Woohoo.

At some point the constant drag of the narrator's regret and the world-weariness drags me down. This is like reading a rack of reds. It has that same fogginess and unfocused, impotent aggression.

20 points


*namesake
“The Escape from Fences Made from Trade Robots to Workers”*

Interesting. This is all tell and reads like it's all from google translare or something sinilar. The idiom just doesn't quite work. Strangely enough, for me that works. It adds a touch of the strange to what otherwise is sorta workaday by-the-numbers social-satire sf.

It's like one of those stories "told-by-computer" that used to pop up all of the ime, but better, because it's coherent.

Weird and satisfying.

19 points


*KRHolbrook
“Reflection”*

So underneath it all, Elena Richards is in the picture on the front of Ummagumma? That's what I get out of this, and she's moved on to the next frame. Gobbled up by a bubble of space-time? I just don't know. Definitely a surprise. Not only didn't I expect it, I don't quite know what happened. A bubble came down and pop!

A little sentence-clunky n spots but it has that feeling of arc, like it's part of something bigger (like Ummagumma lol). I like that.

18 points


*Circadian
“Pretend”*

I need to know what the bubbles are. I'll let the liquid fingers go (ice is a solid) because I get that but what the bubbles are and why they are is important. The bubbles run in the family is the intimation I get. You have almost 200 more words to play with-this needs more story to score higher. What there is is good but it's naked furniture.

17 points


*Gargh
“If...”*

Perhaps oversubtle, and littered with runons. They almost pass in this wordy sort of style but since the first sentence was one such, I had to notice. Something happens here, but "what" is unknown. I think that needs just a touch of definition. Ran out of room here...it's 16 over and I can't give you a score. You should learn standard manuscript format-the title and the byline should be on the piece.


*Matthew A. Campbell
“The Open Road”*

Hmm. Okay..the pluses. The "yokel" voice works. Isn't overdone. The denouement comes as a little bit of a surprise. Not a shocker, but a little fillip.

Minuses-really imitative. McCarthy and Pahlaniuk succeed largely because they have their own styles. This reads like one of my faux-Thompson pieces from my high school newspaper. It isn't your own voice, not entirely. I think you're still trying to find that. Sorry, but I don't bs people. My take is that you're still searching for what will make you different as a writer, the hook you hang your hat on in a literary sense. There's little wrong with your mechanics or presentation.

The characters are completely cardboard here. There's nothing that gives them any individuality.

17 points


*pigletinportugal
“The Soothing Magic of Bubbles”*

I was expecting a bath, and instead got a little parable about creative child-rearing. Okay. I got a little grin on cuz I've been there.

The epiphany in-context seems kinda sudden. You could work that in better. Squueze the bottle and see a bubble pop out of the aperture and then get the "idea", something a little more realistic and subtle than simply seeing the bottle and accessing a stray memory. That seems like a quibble but it's just expressing my small difficulty with this piece.

It's just the teeniest bit clunky. Everything is presented "okay". But the sentences have no natural flow to them. I'd seriously suggest reading this out loud and adjusting your punctuation and word sounds. While the child is being aggravating, everything should be choppy, and the words should have a lot of teethclicks and gutturals. That'll help build a little tension. Actions should be sharp-the child should push him away. Forget those other three words.
Keep writing. It's getting better.

17 points


*B.D. Branch
“Bubble Project”*

Sad ending. Good little piece of dystopian sf, with the bubble houses and the totalitarianism. Readable. Has kinda customized punctuation. I do those habitually too, no periods after Mr or Mrs, cutting down on apostrophes kinda thing.

Of course THEY came for her, because THEY were listening. Mr Orwell taught us that. Well-done, a contender.

19 points


*Kevin
“Zenuba”*

Fun. I don't mind the "breaking the fourth wall", though it does jar a bit in this presentation. It's funny, and works like a musical bridge, like the combing the hair part of A Day in the Life, which is really wonky in-context but fits somewhichway. The sentences are clunky, though. I tried reading aloud and the flow wasn't so great. Otherwise groovy.

19 points

*NathanBrazil
“Cleaning Day”*

Hmm. Cleaning Day for Tony Soprano and the boys. Noir setup, follow-through. Has a couple of small awkwardnesses...the bit about the couch and the shirt didn't work with the comma in the middle. Mighta replaced it with a "that". This does have some good nihilistic feel though. I like the poisoned insulin and most of the images. Not quite perfect but readable.

19 points


*Foxee
“The Hookey Effect”*

This is making me feel a little dense because I don't quite get it. The foreshadowing makes it seem as if the arclight is the reaper's weapon but then there's some talk of a dome and the climax seems under-the-dome-ish...and the light is still happening? So it's like a killer spotlight under a dome? The image is confusing. And then it switches gears and people get happy? I'm sorry, I got lost.

The rest is just fine. Fiancee has two vowels at the end unless Chloe is a boy. But that's the only typo.

17 points


*Lewdog
“Under the Sea”*


Hentai and empty morality, simple sex for money. Pretty-well-pictured in this story. I like that they call an octopus Billy the Squid because that perfectly illustrates the brand of aggressive ignorance of those who'd run such a racket. A well-placed little bit of backstory, enough to make the thing work. Gleaming and glowing aren't exactly the same thing-the first refers to reflected light, and the second to internally-generated. Nacre gleams in normal light. It does glow under ultraviolet. I can't quite visualize her having a corona swimming around. That sequence kept this from a perfect score. It's just too many conflicting images.

19 points

*George Potter
“They Eventually Live in the Metropolis”*

Apple wine, the maintenance buzz, the universe, and everything. Instead of Sandkings, it's hard cider he's raising, but it comes to the same end. Time to go. Something else has invaded.
And all roads lead to the metropolis. It's in their nature. They need to focus.

Sharp story. No spagnits. Mining a little autobio for story material, morphing it, inflating here, shrinking here, to fit. Great way to achieve verisimilitude. They say write what you know about.
The thing is that the invaders will follow you too. Escape is but temporary surcease. Your narrator knows. That isn't feigned world-weariness. It's the real thing, and well-translated.

20 points


*spartan928
“Boiling Point”*

"Wound up". It would be wound up. Anywhere else but the first sentence...I'd consider not noticing. But it's so right there.

Classic whup-the-bully piece. Nothing wrong with it except that. Not the most-inspired work ever, but good. Not-quite-perfect.

19 points


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Bad Craziness' scores]

*Dictarium
“Untitled”*

This is a solid piece about how children try to deal with and escape from the problems in their lives. Obviously bubbles have a pretty special effect on young Alfred. There were some strong sections in this piece of work that paint a vivid picture of Alfred’s afternoon. However, there were also a number of sentences where I thought you could have made some different word choices (I have a pet peeve with the word ‘nice’) and used stronger/ clearer language. As an example, I’m not sure how big “the size of a puppy” is? Depends what kind of dog it is, right? Along with this I think your writing would benefit from a stronger focus on concision and really trying to tighten up your sentences to get your message across.

I was a little confused as to how old Alfred was. There is reference to afternoons when he was a kid spent blowing bubbles with his dad but he comes across as still being a kid now. I also thought that the piece was a little saccharine. I struggled to really feel Alfred’s angst in the piece, perhaps because you already mentioned that his parents were living apart. I felt like this piece of information undermined the fight that was taking place during the story and therefore compromised the emotional build-up and tension a little.

As I said, there are some good sections in this piece, I enjoyed how you describe Alfred blowing bubbles and simultaneously blowing away his worries and convincing himself that everything will be okay. You can obviously create some great, lucid sentences but I think your writing would benefit from stronger editing and really focussing on your word choices and descriptors.

13

*Thecostumedanceparty
“Life in a Bubble”*

This was an interesting take on the prompt. Telling the story of the life/ journey of the bubble in a variety of different ways. At times I felt like the narrative progression was a little jumbled though, I’m not sure the piece really got the arch of the bubble’s journey - from freshly blown and rising above everything to slowly descending to the ground - across to me. It was close, there were just a few of the ‘seconds’ that I felt could have been re-arranged.

I found that a lot of your word choices and word combinations were a bit jarring. Some of them were good but a lot of the imagery that you try and create just didn’t quite work for me. For example “Looks like an elevator to heaven” and “sporadic floating embryo” didn’t quite make sense to me. It made me think about what you were trying to say but I’m not sure your word choice really captured the imagery that you were going for. I’m also almost certain you made up the word “frictitious”.

I liked your piece and coming up with a different take on telling a story, broken down into the individual seconds of the ‘life’ of the bubble was imaginative. There is a whimsical, care-free tone to the piece and with some more work and perhaps a stronger focus on what story you’re telling within each second (and how they relate to each other) this could be really good.

13.5


*Pluralized
“Come Fly with Me”*

Wow. This was a rollicking good time. I’m a big fan of quirky, off-beat ridiculousness when it’s done well and in this case it was certainly done well. Who wouldn’t get into a high octane fight with their grandfather after listening to Michael Buble?

I don’t have to much to say in relation to criticisms of the piece. Mostly just very tiny grumbles about a couple of unnecessary adverbs, a question mark over how Gramps’ wrists hadn’t already learnt about recoil in the Korean war and complete puzzlement over the narrator actually being Buble. What more can I say, zany excellence.

18


*The Jaded
“Last Stand”*

This is a really good ‘slice of life’ that captures exactly what it was like to be a kid and the wonders of the imagination. The imagery that you create is great. The lone hero, selflessly giving himself up for the good of the world. You do focus very heavily on the hopelessness of our hero’s cause though. Peter certainly is an altruistic little soul. I thought that the story could have been strengthened by including a little more of the ‘world’ that Peter was trying to save. I enjoyed the taste of post-apocalyptic wasteland and would have enjoyed a bit more.

I also think that a description of the source of the spores, whatever ‘evil beast’ it may have been producing them would have been useful. If only to play for laughs when little whimpering Johnny is revealed. Your writing style is great and aside from a few very minor SPaG issues I think the picture you paint is vivid and lifelike. Even Mom’s quip rang true. All in all it was a very good piece. I could see it being perfectly replicated as a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Calvin may have exaggerated his heroism rather than the hopelessness though.

16.5


*J Anfinson
“Champagne Dream”*

I’m really wasn’t sure how to approach this one. The writing is technically pretty sound, there were a few issues with punctuation, but I just couldn’t ever get into the story that you create. I realise that it’s about loss and grief but nothing about it hooked me in so that I could care about Lester.

I couldn’t get away from the rather stereotypical setting that you present. Reading through it I felt that the scene was like a photocopy of something, rather than a real place. Dialogue can be a really difficult thing to get right and I think that the individual voices needed to be stronger and more unique. I felt like in order for me to engage I needed some kind of special insight into the situation to give it more meaning. I needed to know more about Lester’s relationship with his wife, or Lester’s relationship with Frank, or even why the narrator felt the need to stay all night and watch this guy mourn his dead wife.

As I said, I think that your writing is solid, the scene is constructed well but I just needed something more from the piece in order to engage a little more.

13


*Staff Deployment
“Abandoned Building”*

This is a well written piece with some fantastic sections. The third paragraph is a joy to read. I didn’t really find any SPaG issues but I was a little put off with all the different ways you tried not to use ‘says’. Yells, pleads, demands, scowls, calls. Maybe it’s just me but I always prefer just using ‘says’ because it makes you pay more attention to the dialogue you’re writing instead of relying on the verb to do the work for you.

I like the way you move seamlessly from one time period to the next without breaking up the scene but I couldn’t work out whether Carson was to blame for Scarlett’s death in a tangible way, or if he just blamed himself for taking her to this dilapidated building? A hole in the piece that I couldn’t quite reconcile (no pun intended) was at the end of the first section where Carson makes a decision that he’ll regret but we never find out what that decision is? Why does he owe her?

These questions just left me feeling a bit confused about the story and it didn’t really come together for me. I almost felt like you’ve presented the reader with this big moment of Carson making a decision he’ll regret forever and then written around whatever action took place and taken us 60 years into the future. As I said, there’s some very good writing here, I just was left a little stumped about the story you were trying to tell.

15


*Inchidoney
“My Bubbles Burst”*

Ah, a story of sexual enlightenment. With an older femme fatale to boot. A young adult male fantasy with an oedipal tinge and a twist in the tale. I had a few issues with this story. I think that the sentence structure throughout is a bit messy. It took me a few re-reads of the same sentence to work out it was the narrator, not Bubbles who was nineteen. There are also some tense issues in the piece.

I think you were pretty effective at getting across the narrator’s own naivety and awkwardness with the whole Bubbles situation but there was an air of obvious inevitability that he would be seduced. I really struggled with some of the dialogue in the piece. Don’t get me wrong, dialogue can be tough but the characters here come across as very wooden. I think it might help next time if you re-read the dialogue out loud to yourself. Ask yourself, does this sound natural? Would someone actually speak like this? Unfortunately the dialogue comes across more as an information dump rather than adding to characterisation.

The narrator’s realisation that he had been used as a sexual object at the end intrigued me. I’m not sure if, as a reader I should feel pity for him or not. After all, he did experience his “night of debauchery”.

Unfortunately, the issues I’ve highlighted above really hinder a lot of the story and compromise the overall effect that you were going for.

10.5


*Jon M
“Clean”*

This is right up my alley. What can I say? I really, really enjoyed this piece of work. There is this depressing reality that hangs over and exists within it and you make brilliant use of 2nd person narrative. I always think that as a technique it is perfect for these short form pieces because it’s so difficult to maintain. I think you nailed it here. There were only a couple of SPaG issues: a missed/ misplaced comma or an apostrophe here or there but nothing that was of any real significance.

This piece is so weighed down with cynicism yet manages to retain a strange levity. Your sarcastic use of the “hey maybe it’ll be different this time…” thought process is spot on at reflecting the lies we tell ourselves without ever really believing them. I really enjoyed the ceaseless inevitability of it all. I didn’t feel this piece is about wanting to change or not wanting to change because at this point there isn’t even have a choice. It’s this painfully bleak reality that is constructed so beautifully through the juxtaposition of the loving mom and the naïve young nephew as the light against the junkie’s black-hole darkness. Nihilistic, inevitable destruction captured in prose.

As an aside you also win my sentence of the week:

“Earbuds on, head against the glass, a bored witness to the suicides of Iowa: the endless decimated fields, the forgotten farm equipment, the surrendered homes.”

That is beautiful right there.

18.5


*Namesake
“The Escape from Fences Made from Trade Robots to Workers”*

Hmmm. I hope you don’t mind Namesake but I drew such a blank with this one that I had to go back and check out if you’d entered LM before and what previous reviewers had said and I must admit, I completely agree with their general advice.
I think I’m safe in assuming that English isn’t your first language. So much of this piece doesn’t make sense in any conventional way. Trying to piece it all together I think it is broadly about the industrial revolution, capitalism, maybe globalisation but I can’t really derive any clear meaning from it without making stuff up on my own.

As I said, I think previous judges’ advice about really trying to simplify your writing in order to construct coherent sentences is probably the first thing that you should be concentrating on before you start playing around with your word combinations. It’s almost impossible for me to give advice because this is essentially you learning how the English language is put together in written form. You obviously have some awesome ideas floating around in your head so as your English skills improve I’m sure you’ll start producing some fascinating work. Keep at it and focus on the nuts and bolts first.

6


*KR Holbrook
“Reflection”*

Well, this piece intrigued me. It starts out as a reasonably normal run in the park with a few internalised thoughts and then develops into an existential crisis brought about through the discovery of a bubble in a children’s playground.

Your writing style is good, very clean and I only had a couple of issues reading through in relation to sentence structure e.g. “water bottle of her own off of her belt”, is just a little convoluted and could be more concise.

I did struggle to deal with the rather extreme left-turn that the story took when she saw the “mirror image of herself”. I must admit I was kind of unclear what you were talking about for a while there. I thought it was the family of three on the park bench that had caused her reaction and I still couldn’t quite work out how the reflection from a bubble was so significant. It just got a bit surreal and lost me at this point. I couldn’t find a connection I’m afraid.

I did realise that there was a continued, strong emphasis on children throughout the piece. I think that they’re mentioned in every paragraph – and a child was responsible for popping the bubble - so I’m still trying to work out if there isn’t some grand over-arching concept at play here. Something to do with no longer being able to have kids and a ‘bubble as egg’ metaphor but I think I’m just reading too much into it.

All in all you write really well, you just completely lost me with the magical, life-destroying bubble out of nowhere.

14.5


*Circadian
“Pretend”*

This is a well-written piece of work. There’s a lot of good imagery throughout and especially in the final moments with the last bubbles before death. They say that drowning is the most peaceful way of dying and I think you capture that peacefulness here. The transition from panic to acceptance to, almost, enjoyment – through pretending he is somewhere else - is well spun together.

I think your descriptions of each phase of this process really worked well. I did have an issues with your paragraph that started “I took it for granted…” I was just couldn’t work out how you could say you thought the Mother was being metaphorical when she was talking about your brother John who’d been in hospital for a week! It didn’t ring true to me at all when the brother’s mistake was right there for you to see.

As I said, it’s a good piece of writing that goes through the process of drowning but doesn’t stray too far from what I would expect. Your string some evocative sentences together and the piece works well.

15


*Gargh
“If…”*

What a conflicting piece this is. Your use of the prompt completely baffles me. I’ve read your opening paragraph about ten times and I still am not quite sure I understand what you’re getting at. I saw all the posts in the LM Coffee Shop and fortunately for you I only see the prompt as a jumping off point, cos I just couldn’t get my head around the connection between Bubbles and your story.

That being said, I really enjoyed this story. There are a couple of really small things that you’ve included in your writing that really make me believe it. Things like James “being given into the care” of his brother was such an insightful way to describe what was happening and to reflect James’ own struggle with his wife’s demise. 

SPaG seemed fine, although I wasn’t sure you needed to start new paragraphs when it was just James speaking.

I think some of the writing is brilliant in this work and there are a few sentences that are just sensational (Harry steered him to a seat…, So they silently pushed peas…) I think they deliver a depth of meaning about the human interaction taking place in the story that just ‘works’ like excellent writing should.

All in all it was a great piece, the story of a man trying to deal with his wife’s imminent death and the hope that he receives from unexpected news.

17.5


*Moderan
“Speed bumps in the Bimini Road”*

Everyone is lucky that you’re not actually in this round Moderan. This is a superbly written piece of work that executes a very cool idea. I think it’s definitely up there as one of the most imaginative stories told based on the Bubbles prompt.

Would have loved to have heard more about how Jagomb dealt with what he’d seen that day out in the Caribbean but then again I’d just like to read more of your work. Your writing is so tight and full of imagery. There were a couple of minor technical issues (two repeated words) but all in all, fantastic.


*Flesheater
“The Open Road”*

Excellent piece of writing. Your characterisation here is perfect, the imagery is laid out before the reader with your opening three lines. Just the narrator and Jasper in his truck travelling down a road that stretches forever. Well, just the narrator.

Sometimes the way that words look on a page is vitally important. Your five word, one sentence, second paragraph is testament to this. There is something so ominous in those words sitting out there by themselves surrounded by white. Poetry.

Of course this leads to the hitchhiker, and if there haven’t been a million horror stories about hitchhikers then I’m not writing this review. Despite the fact that your subject matter is pretty well worn, the way you go about describing the situation, building the tension through the slow reveal of the non-existence of Jasper is compelling.

I also love how you reveal what’s to come. So matter of fact. This is just what happens when the narrator and Jasper head down that long open road.

As I’ve said in another review, my take on the use of the prompt is that it can simply be used as a jumping off point for a piece. The use of ‘bubbles’ as a prompt is pretty negligible in this piece but the writing is so strong that I just don’t care. Not a SPaG nag at all. As I said, brilliant stuff.

18.5


*pigletinportugal
“The Soothing Magic of Bubbles”*

This is a quaint piece of storytelling. A well-written snapshot of life as a man completely out of his comfort zone. There were a few minor issues I had with some spelling, missing words and a jarring “I think” in the fourth para. This is clearly Charles’ own thoughts, we don’t need to be told that he’s thinking them.

Your writing style is polished, I think you paint a very clear picture of the events unfolding. There aren’t any particularly big issues at play here but you tell the story you’ve chosen to confidently and aside from the first sentence in the story your use of first-person present seemed pretty much flawless.

Although there’s not a great deal that happens in the scene you keep it moving along at a steady pace, the continued outbursts of the child fit in well around Charles’ struggle to come up with a way to calm her. The way you capture Amy’s burgeoning intrigue while Charles looks through each of the draws is extremely realistic.

All in all a very good piece of writing. I’m just not sure about the title though.

16


*bazz cargo
“Satisfaction”*

Sensational imagery. I think it’s a beautiful portrait and a well-crafted scene. If I had to gripe, I think that in the first paragraph you get things back-to-front. Surely Billybob pushed to the barrel to the oven where there happened to be a breathtaking view, rather than to a place with a sufficiently breathtaking view where there happened to be an oven?

Aside from that I could only find a single spelling mistake in the second-to-last paragraph. I enjoyed that change of tense there too and the direct question to the reader. For some reason I felt that it had the effect of drawing me even further into this odd little bit of redneck-bathing in some paradise of the South.

I did wonder how they carried on a yelling conversation with such clarity over such a long distance but I guess the air is pretty clear in the country. I removed all the entrant names when I did this marking but like Moderan, this scored right up there at the top of the pile. Until I found out you were judging and it didn’t count.


*Rustgold
“Bubble Project”*

“You simply can’t call something ‘bubbles’ and say it’s your project”. This piece is very clever. It’s essentially the antithesis of what the brother is trying to do himself. I enjoyed this work but struggled to continue to engage with it. As I said, it’s very clever, using different takes on ‘bubbles’ as an analogy to whatever life these two characters are a part of is a witty way to construct the story.

On my notes of the piece I’ve written, “very self-aware”. I understand that each project suggestion from Sis is a comment on the political landscape that these two characters live in but I struggled to really engage with it because that external landscape didn’t exist beyond an occasional reference to “Lord Castleton”.

I felt like there was an in-joke operating throughout the piece that I just wasn’t a part of and I couldn’t work out if Owen’s last line was a sarcastic needling of his sister or the resolution of the joke I wasn’t in on to begin with.
The writing itself is excellent but I just struggled a little with a lack of exposition about the world that Owen and Sis were inhabiting. The *Click* of whatever it was being turned off just served to confuse me more. What was the purpose of it?

I think it’s a really well written piece that uses the prompt to complete the project ‘the way it should be completed’. It’s a witty use of the prompt to pass comment on the society and politics that these two character inhabit. I was just left searching for a little more meaning when you specifically introduced “Lord Castleton” as a character rather than referring to a more general political class.

17


*Kevin
“Zenuba”*

This reminded me of a writing project I did at uni designed to test the limits of the author/ reader relationship and explore the way that we read. It’s a remarkable difficult thing to pull off well. It’s clever but unless it’s own self-awareness (as a piece of writing entered into a competition being read by a judge) adds to the actual story of the piece then it can just be a bit gimmicky and stale.

I was able to interpret the broken narrative interlude where you play with the author/ reader relationship as an extension of the story. I read it as if the sci-fi scene that was uncomfortably pushed into the story was designed to re-enforce the discomfort and annoyance that the protagonist felt in the main story about being dragged to the dog park. In the story-within-the-story, as the author you drag the reader away from the actual narrative and dump them in a place that they don’t want to be, before reluctantly bringing them back to the original story and rounding it out. Now, after re-reading this a few times I have a question for you. Was this what you were trying to achieve?

Because the alternative reading of the story might just be that you were getting a little creative with the bounds of the traditional narrative, testing out what can and can’t be done within the confines of the story and coming up with something akin to a Monty Python sketch or something equally absurd.

In any case, I enjoyed it, although I would have liked for you to somehow tie the sci-fi element into the ending somehow, just to make it really clever and round it out. I really enjoyed the writing and voices that you used throughout the piece though. I’m all for exploring writing boundaries, so thanks for producing something a little different.

17


*NathanBrazil
“Cleaning Day”*

The writing in this piece is pretty good, although I think that you’re overly reliant on unnecessary descriptions of people and things. One specific example of this is a sentence about an arm vein using a mixed road/ river metaphor. I think you need to be more selective about the information that you’re including. Ask yourself, is it important to the story I’m telling or is it just useful for me to know in my head so I can write the story better? Don’t get me wrong, as a writer I think it’s important to be able to picture these kinds of details in your head if it helps you write, it’s just that you should be selective about what you’re including on the page. It should serve a purpose.

I felt that the way you constructed this piece was really at odds with the word limit. Sometimes when you’ve only got 650 words to play with you need to choose your content, and the story you’re telling, more carefully. This narrative is about a bunch of people getting killed with very little information as to why. As a reader I know nothing about these characters prior to their deaths (except what they look like/ what they’re wearing). I have no reason to care about them and I basically have no idea why they’re getting murdered except that they’re on ‘the list’.
I think you tried to do too much with the constraints that you were faced with. If you had just chosen one of the executions as a scene and focussed on it and provided a little more exposition about how the characters found themselves in the situation they were in I think it would have been more effective.

Now, I know I’ve just told you the things I found wrong with the piece, I do want to emphasis that you write well. Your dialogue is interesting (if perhaps a little cliché) and you introduce each different murder with an opening paragraph that sets the scene really well. In particular, the second scene where you describe Chubs on his couch is great.

It appears you have plenty of writing ability. However, as I said before, I think you would benefit from really focussing your subject matter to ensure it is tight and engaging.

13


*Foxee
“The Hookey Effect”*

What a surreal happening. I liked this story, but there were a few things that stopped me from really engaging with it fully. Your SPaG was pretty flawless as far as I could see but I’m not sure you were completely successful in getting across an eerie, solemn atmosphere in this world of missing people. There were hints that this world where people have been going missing should be foreboding, the rain, the eerie light but then you undercut them with a group of fireman having a jolly time running off with a trampoline. It added to the surrealism of it all but it kind of worked against the juxtaposition you create between the grey world and the world beyond the bubble.

I also thought you struggled to nail the visual of this bubble of light shrinking in on the city. I worked out what you were talking about but I didn’t feel as if the description of the arc of light moving closer and closer really came together. At first it was a curved wall of glass and then you changed to an arc of light on the ground, then someone yelling that it was a circle, then eventually it became a dome. I was a bit confused as to what was being described to me.

I enjoyed the moment of clarity delivered from the stoner and the subsequent crossover into the new world beyond the bubble, free from the squall where “the air danced with life”. There was a lovely immediacy to the change. However, as I said before I think this would have been strengthened if the world inside your bubble was a little more bleak, fearful and devoid of hope. I didn’t ever get a strong impression the narrator was overly concerned that he wouldn’t ever find Chloe.

It’s good writing and a creative idea to play with that I think may have been strengthened if a greater gulf was created in the atmosphere of the internal/ external bubble worlds.

15


*Lewdog
Under the Sea*

This is such a creepy idea. I love it. I’m sure that it won’t be too long before this is actually happening somewhere on the magical interwebs. It’s exploitation taken to another extreme!

I had a few issues with the structure of the piece. You begin with Bubbles in the tank, then tell us how she got there and why she’s there, then you take us back to before she got in the tank and it gets a bit mixed up here with the opening paragraphs. I felt like it was a little incongruous because you’re essentially describing the same event twice but in slightly different ways.

From a storyline perspective I feel like I would have enjoyed knowing more about Bubbles. You tell me she’s a single parent of a special needs child but it just comes across as kind of generic. Making her story a bit more personal – giving her child a name – and perhaps an illustration of how tough her life is might have made her decision to have to engage in soft-porn with an octopus a bit more believable. The idea of your story is so out there I felt it was let down a little by falling back on pretty stock-standard clichés to explain the motivations. Neither Bubbles or Russell really came across as more 2D cut-outs that have been well established before (the good-hearted mom exploited to keep her kid and the exploitative @sshole – That’s the logline for Striptease). 

Your writing is good, although you distractingly slide into a “me” when referring to Bubbles at the start of the 7th para. I hope that wasn’t Freudian. 

All in all I think that your idea was excellent, I love that you push the boundaries of decency and provide me with a unique and interesting situation. If you work harder to give your characters more distinctive qualities I think you’ll have the recipe for something pretty special.

15


*Leyline
They Eventually Live in the Metropolis*

Really enjoyed this. I liked the overall tone of the work a lot. It’s an interesting introspective of a drunk facing the decay of his life and the analogy between the wine-making process and the development of the metropolis around him was superb. I would have enjoyed to see the external metropolis ‘invading’ in a bit more depth. One lot across the street didn’t feel like the encroachment that it should but the narrator being forced out of his residence did emphasise the point.

Your description of the wine-making process is fantastic. You weave the sentences together beautifully and create this wonderful imagery of the yeast fighting with the sugar to create alcohol and eventually wine.

I struggled a little with some of your references to bubbles. A few of them felt a little obscure and forced and didn’t quite work for me completely but I appreciate your intention to really engage with the prompt.

I liked your switch from 3rd person to 1st. I think that change worked well to reflect the change in the narrator as he moved to dry himself out of the stupor he’d been in. It was a useful technique that supported the move towards acceptance of his situation, brought full circle with the closing sentence replicating the first.

18


*spartan928
Boiling Point*

How does an asthmatic rooster suck air? That was the first thing I thought when I was reading through your story. An interesting visual to set me on my way. Cool story about one student’s recollection of a bullied kid getting his payback.

The conversational tone of the piece is really good. I think the narrator has a solid, distinct voice but there are a few issues in here in relation to sentence structure. You begin a couple of them with And and But, which can be done but in the cases you do I’d suggest you shouldn’t. You also use ‘in fact’ a couple of times which I think could be edited out without losing anything. Couple of other minor SPaG issues, nothing serious.

I did wonder what it was that had made Gabe snap in this instance. The narrator says that this kind of thing is standard for Devon and Gabe and I couldn’t work out what was so special this time to set Gabe off, especially when the joke is called “lame” by the narrator and seemed relatively harmless. You use the analogy of water coming to the boil at that moment but maybe it would have been more accurate to describe the months and months of bullying as water heating up and this particular day being the one where the water got hot enough to boil over.

In any case, minor issues for me. Your writing is really solid and the narrator’s strong voice was a real highlight. While the scenario is pretty common, it’s a well constructed snapshot of something that no doubt takes place at many schools across the world.

15


[/spoiler2]


----------



## NathanBrazil

Congrats to Jon, Kevin and Leyline.   Thanks to the judges for taking the time to score and crit all these (21) entries.


----------



## Lewdog

Congrats to all and thanks to the judges.  It was pretty amazing to see how many different directions things went with these stories.


----------



## Leyline

Congrats to Jon and Kevin!  Thanks, judges.


----------



## J Anfinson

Wonderful critique guys. Thanks for all you did. With all the entries I'm sure it was time consuming.


----------



## Pluralized

Wow, this thing is fun! I really enjoyed reading everyone's entries. Congratulations JonM - your story was incredible. Congrats Kevin and Leyline too, you guys deserved it. After reading through everyone's stories, I really appreciate how everyone approaches these prompts. Very good to be a part of this thing. 

Judges - thanks for taking time out of your lives to labor over these stories, and for your comments on my bizarre piece. I enjoyed writing it, and my only regret is I posted it too soon and should have put about nine more coats of crazy on it and made it end up somewhere other than it did. Oh well, I had fun and look forward to next time.


----------



## moderan

Awesome round of stories. Kudos all 'round.


----------



## PiP

Congratulations to Jon, Kevin and Leyline and a big thankyou to the judges for all their hard work.


----------



## Staff Deployment

Was it really over the word limit? I definitely thought I checked that. Kind of disappointing. What may have happened was this: the story was actually the second I'd written for the contest, and hence I may have checked the wordcount of the other by accident. Or maybe the word-counter on the iPad's "Pages" application is drastically inaccurate.

I also noticed the intent of the piece never quite landed with any of the judges (i.e. "Carson left Scarlet and drove home alone. After never knowing what happened to her, he finally returns sixty years later and finds the skeleton"). It was, admittedly, a little bit dense for 650 words. Or rather, for the 690 words it apparently reached without my notice. :concern:

All in all, fun contest, excellent judging this round, and many congrats to Leyline! And Kevin and Jon M.


----------



## Gargh

Whew - that was a tense one & congrats to the winners!

Have to say though, having waited this long for scores it is frustrating to not have a mark because of a word count. I thought I was really careful and my word-counter still says 648? I am using MS Word 2007 - will this be a continuing problem for me in these challenges? Can anyone clarify?

*Bazz Cargo *- *"Using italics to identify the internal thoughts helps the reader."* I struggle with this one. I used to do this for, as you say, clarity but have been told not to as well so can never make my mind up! Thanks for the feedback though and I'm glad you liked it... Gargh!

*Moderan* - run-on sentences seems to be my thing. I try to break up at least 50% of them but I think I'd have to stop writing if I stopped using them completely. However, can you point me in the direction of somewhere trustworthy to learn a solid 'standard manuscript format'?

*Bad Craziness* - *'Your use of the prompt completely baffles me.'* Oops. I meant to convey that the shock of the situation was pushing him in to alternate, slower, bubbles of time to everyone else. *'There are a couple of really small things that you’ve included in your writing that really make me believe it.'* Good to know I'm starting to get the detail right. *'I wasn’t sure you needed to start new paragraphs when it was just James speaking.**'* Neither was I - off to dialogue 101 I go. Thanks for your general positivity.


----------



## FleshEater

Congratulations to JonM, Kevin and Leyline. Good job guys!

Bazz Cargo: I have to ask about the plot blooper comment. I don't understand.

Moderan: Yeah, the characters were flat, but this was about pushing a story more than characters. I had no author in mind while writing this and just wanted to experiment with bringing a character's voice into the narration, nothing more. 

Bad Craziness: I'm glad you enjoyed this as much as you did. Your words made my day.


----------



## Dictarium

Thanks to all three judges for their critiques both of everyone else and myself. I can't tell you how much I was genuinely dreading a sub-ten score, and was elated at the sight of what is essentially a solid 75% essay.

To bazz: I'm glad you liked it and yes, I, do, tend, to, overuse, commas, a, bit. It used to be parentheses (from the time I discovered them to about a year ago) but now it's commas (mainly because someone told me I can use commas instead of parentheses and so I never bothered to fix my tangential writing style and so just traded one obnoxious bit of punctuation for a less obtrusive one). Thanks for the praise as well as the critique.

To moderan: I was unsure about the first sentence as well with respect to the dangling participle. S'pose I could've used further revision before sending it to print. As for the "they had different personalities" part, while it may seem naive of me, this is the excuse I was given by my parents when they split up and, not wanting to question them, I believed it for some years afterward (probably from age 7 to about 12, actually). But I an understand how that can come off as off-putting or not making sense.

To Bad craziness: As has been noted by you, my English teachers ad infinitum, my parents when proof-reading papers, and friends when trying to understand what it is they've read... I've got a bit of an issue with wordiness and tangentialization (and apparently making up words). It isn't usually until the 3rd or 4th draft when I decide to go in and cut down to size my piece which now has more redundant word use and confusing descriptions than a math textbook, and this one only made it to the 2nd. As far as Alfred's age goes, I found it equally troubling, rereading my piece, both that his age was undefined and that I used "when he was a kid" to describe him when he was four or five (I envisioned him being about nine or ten, a year or two after my parents got divorced). I'd just gotten done posting something on here where people said I didn't leave enough open to the reader's interpretation so I s'pose I left a little too much open now. 

As for the bubbles the size of puppies, I was trying to go with a measurement that was sort of whimsical but I guess in the process I made it too undefined. Medicine ball may have worked. Either way, thanks for the tougher critique.


----------



## moderan

FleshEater said:


> Moderan: Yeah, the characters were flat, but this was about pushing a story more than characters. I had no author in mind while writing this and just wanted to experiment with bringing a character's voice into the narration, nothing more.



I can only call em as I see em. It isn't a case of "what I would have done", but my perception of what would benefit the narrative.



Dictarium said:


> To moderan: I was unsure about the first sentence as well with respect to the dangling participle. S'pose I could've used further revision before sending it to print. As for the "they had different personalities" part, while it may seem naive of me, this is the excuse I was given by my parents when they split up and, not wanting to question them, I believed it for some years afterward (probably from age 7 to about 12, actually). But I an understand how that can come off as off-putting or not making sense.



While you may have believed that, and while it may have been good characterization, it was not well-enough-explained for it to come across to the grownups that read the tale. Another edit pass might have cleared things up. I judge stories in the LM as if I were paying money for them-I adhere to a reasonably professional standard. Rarely do I assign less than 15 points to a tale-therefore each point means a lot. A 19 or 20 means that I would buy the thing...and given that I'm editing an anthology of LM stories, that would seem reasonable. Good piece. Just needed a bit more.



Gargh said:


> Have to say though, having waited this long for scores it is frustrating  to not have a mark because of a word count. I thought I was really  careful and my word-counter still says 648? I am using MS Word 2007 -  will this be a continuing problem for me in these challenges? Can anyone  clarify?
> 
> *Moderan* - run-on sentences seems to be my thing. I try  to break up at least 50% of them but I think I'd have to stop writing if  I stopped using them completely. However, can you point me in the  direction of somewhere trustworthy to learn a solid 'standard manuscript  format'?


Yes. Word Count Tool - Free Tool to Count Number of Words. Word counter! and http://www.writingforums.com/hint-tips/138059-sfwa-manuscript-format-other-tips.html


----------



## Lewdog

I don't understand these word count places.  I've checked the number of words listed by MS Word 2007, Cut & Paste Word Count, and the Word Count Tool - Free Tool to Count Number of Words. Word counter!, and every one of them has given a different amount of words.  It's not even close either, there is a difference of 20 words from the lowest number to the highest.


----------



## moderan

I've seen variance of fifteen. I use the same tool for consistency, but I'll allow that fifteen. Word Count Tool consistently matches a manual count.


----------



## FleshEater

I asked FIN about the word count once, and he said using Microsoft Word was legitimate. 

Bazz Cargo; I see what you mean now. No, it wasn't a blooper. The narrative was in first person, so the girl staring at the bare floor in the cab would have, to the narrator, looked like she was staring at Jasper. 

Moderan; I respect your reasons and perceptions, I just don't agree with them here. The writing style wasn't my own because, well, I'm not a southerner or a midwest American. Like I said, the point was to bring this character entirely into the narration, which I did, and you said was good. I don't know who Thompson is (Hunter S. Thompson?), and I had no writer in mind, but consciously had the individual character in mind when writing this. I keep getting thrown into this Palahniuk and McCarthy boat, and honestly, it's very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like people are always looking at those two authors when I write anything anymore and it's swaying their judgement. So, I'm not looking for my voice anymore to be different. The style I used I felt was perfectly fitting for my character and to build the story with. If that's reflective of another author it wasn't intentional. I could plug this into I Write Like.com and it'd probably bring up an author I've never read before.


----------



## Foxee

Great job, judges, tackling that many entries. Thanks for your diligent critiquing and volunteering your time.


----------



## FleshEater

Also, Moderan, I want to be clear that I'm not upset with you or anything. I'm just getting my thoughts out there too. What judges do for this competition is a lot more involved than most know, and every opinion is different, and that's what makes this worthwhile.


----------



## moderan

FleshEater said:


> I asked FIN about the word count once, and he said using Microsoft Word was legitimate.


 He may have. Not everyone has access to MS word of any vintage. Therefore, an outside source. I established that as the standard before Fin joined this site.



> Moderan; I respect your reasons and perceptions, I just don't agree with them here. The writing style wasn't my own because, well, I'm not a southerner or a midwest American. Like I said, the point was to bring this character entirely into the narration, which I did, and you said was good. I don't know who Thompson is (Hunter S. Thompson?), and I had no writer in mind, but consciously had the individual character in mind when writing this. I keep getting thrown into this Palahniuk and McCarthy boat, and honestly, it's very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like people are always looking at those two authors when I write anything anymore and it's swaying their judgement. So, I'm not looking for my voice anymore to be different. The style I used I felt was perfectly fitting for my character and to build the story with. If that's reflective of another author it wasn't intentional. I could plug this into I Write Like.com and it'd probably bring up an author I've never read before.



It's your right to disagree. In this case, I didn't compare you to Palahnuik or McCarthy, I employed them as comparison, since I know you're very familiar with their work, viz:


> Hmm.  Okay..the pluses. The "yokel" voice works. Isn't overdone. The  denouement comes as a little bit of a surprise. Not a shocker, but a  little fillip.
> 
> Minuses-really imitative. McCarthy and Pahlaniuk succeed largely because  they have their own styles. This reads like one of my faux-Thompson  pieces from my high school newspaper. It isn't your own voice, not  entirely. I think you're still trying to find that. Sorry, but I don't  bs people. My take is that you're still searching for what will make you  different as a writer, the hook you hang your hat on in a literary  sense. There's little wrong with your mechanics or presentation.
> 
> The characters are completely cardboard here. There's nothing that gives them any individuality.



Whether you consciously set out to be imitative I don't know. You say you didn't. The piece reads like it, in my opinion. The Thompson reference is to Hunter S-you're gonna get that when you pick up a hitch-hiker, even if you treat if differently. It was a shorthand way for me to get my point across. I do think you're still finding your own voice as a writer, from the ten or so pieces that I've seen. They run to a type. There's going to be murder or suicide, or both, and often the characterization isn't developed enough to make that work. It's formulaic writing, and the formula isn't perfected yet.
I understand what you say you were trying to do. It works on that level, and that level alone. My opinion. We can agree to disagree if you like. I shan't argue further.



FleshEater said:


> Also, Moderan, I want to be clear that I'm not  upset with you or anything. I'm just getting my thoughts out there too.  What judges do for this competition is a lot more involved than most  know, and every opinion is different, and that's what makes this  worthwhile.


Understood. I hope that what I say helps. I'm not trying to tear you down. I have no issue with you-in fact I'd like you to succeed in what you're working on. I like gritty crime, down-to-the-bone stuff. I read a ton of it and have since I was a boy. One of these days I'll throw some of my noir into the 'shop and you can tear it up.


----------



## FleshEater

moderan said:


> They run to a type. There's going to be murder or suicide, or both, and often the characterization isn't developed enough to make that work. It's formulaic writing, and the formula isn't perfected yet.



If you dig deep enough everyone is just a copy of a copy of a copy. Out of thousands of writers, only a handful stand out.

I agree my writing isn't perfected yet. I've only been writing since last August so that's expected. Your Thompson reference just threw me off I guess. Especially since I've only read _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_, and that was about 5 months ago, and I don't remember anything about his style, ha-ha!


----------



## moderan

It just takes time put in--that cliched 10,000 hours of practice. Keep at it. I played guitar for 25 years before developing anything like my own voice. Took me ten or so for writing, and by then I'd been selling for seven years.


----------



## spartan928

Congrats to the winners, great stories all. Jon M, your story was very  well written and solid. Your style is fantastic and it deserved the top  spot. The field was thick this month with some cool stories. Kept me up  until 1:00 am on tax weekend trying to make the deadline with something  worthy of all the competition. Thanks judges for taking the time to  critique. Spot on of course and always good feedback for improvement.


----------



## Kevin

First off I want to thank Leyline, for both confirming _and _solidifying my thoughts about tactics and patterns when entering the  LMs. I should be thanking the judges first, I mean they did all the work, the majority of it, the greater portion...we just entered our pieces, but 'I' and by extension my works _are _the first things one thinks about. Sorry, but what can I say? I know it's wrong, but...
 Next I want to thank JonM, for showing me that everything Leyline said is _*edit*_   .  I don't know. Maybe he 'played to the judges.' Maybe he just wrote a great piece. But then they were all good! Okay, it's only a movie -- life is only a movie. Remember that...


This was fun stuff and I'm stoked that I did really well. I don't know what happened to wecht, but it's probably good for me as I had spelt _huevos_ (_Mexican for _'bullocks') with a 'j'. Gargh! (ok if I borrow?)  Wecht, I hope everything's alright...


----------



## KRHolbrook

Congratulations to all the winners. It was a fun prompt and I enjoyed taking the time to write it (albeit quickly), as well as reading all the other entries.


----------



## Gargh

moderan said:


> Word Count Tool - Free Tool to Count Number of Words. Word counter!




So, from what I can see then, the difference constitutes the number of contractions and words with possessive apostrophes? This is both more and less fair seeing as the one could, technically, constitute two or more separate words but the other could never. It's a confusing and a difficult point on a tight word count. 

Could anyone elaborate on MS Word and how it counts? I just like to be able to understand these things.


----------



## Cran

On word count - the reason you get different results from different tools is because they apply different criteria. Some (I believe MS Word is one) literally count the words; some count the characters and divide by 5, or 5.5 (rounded); some count the character spaces (including blanks) and divide by 6 or 6.5 (rounded). The divisions are hangovers from the print era, especially that of newsprint, although the more common measurement in newsprint is column inches.


----------



## J Anfinson

moderan said:


> It just takes time put in--that cliched 10,000 hours of practice. Keep at it. I played guitar for 25 years before developing anything like my own voice. Took me ten or so for writing, and by then I'd been selling for seven years.



Really I had no expectation to win this. I'm just happy to have done as well as i did. For me this is mostly another way of finding out where I can improve. I'm still trying to find my voice. Sometimes I almost think I've got it, but its a false alarm. 

Congrats to the winners, and thanks again to the judges. I'll see if I can apply the lessons from this round.


----------



## Jon M

Thanks, judges, for giving your time. Critiques were all great. 



			
				Bazz said:
			
		

> I can't say I enjoyed it, but I'm glad I read it.


Appreciate the honesty, and that you scored it high regardless. I know you enjoy the humorous and whimsical, and figured this would be a tough, unenjoyable read for you. 



			
				Moderan said:
			
		

> At  some point the constant drag of the narrator's regret and the  world-weariness drags me down. This is like reading a rack of reds. It  has that same fogginess and unfocused, impotent aggression.


With you on the piece's draggy quality. Might sound dumb, but it didn't really dawn on me how dark the piece was until I posted it and had a few days to reflect. I think it's probably the darkest thing I've ever written in terms of its sheer hopelessness. Thanks for the high marks, though. 




			
				Bad Craziness said:
			
		

> This is right up my alley. What can I say?


That is my favorite line, too. Popped into my head early, had to spend a little time figuring out how to make it work. Regarding Second Person point of view -- I use it _a lot_, probably more than I should. I think it's okay for longer works, though maybe because my tolerance is high. I've written a couple of novelettes in the style. But, _Bright Lights, Big City_-length, yes, seems quite the challenge. 

Excellent critique. I'm not sure if you've ever judged before--I don't remember seeing your name--but if you decide to again it would certainly be appreciated by me. 



			
				Kevin said:
			
		

> Next I want to thank JonM, for showing me that everything Leyline said is _*edit*_. I don't know. Maybe he 'played to the judges.' Maybe he just wrote a great piece.


Actually I thought I was going to do poorly this round. Figured Leyline or Foxee would win again. The times I thought I'd win ("Sextape") I didn't, and this time when I did was wholly unexpected. I've more or less stopped writing these things to win and just participate now because it is motivation to finish something and shop it around. So, 'playing to the judges' ... furthest thing from my mind.


----------



## Leyline

Kevin said:


> First off I want to thank Leyline, for both confirming _and _solidifying my thoughts about tactics and patterns when entering the  LMs. I should be thanking the judges first, I mean they did all the work, the majority of it, the greater portion...we just entered our pieces, but 'I' and by extension my works _are _the first things one thinks about. Sorry, but what can I say? I know it's wrong, but...
> Next I want to thank JonM, for showing me that everything Leyline said is _*edit*_   .  I don't know. Maybe he 'played to the judges.' Maybe he just wrote a great piece. But then they were all good! Okay, it's only a movie -- life is only a movie. Remember that...
> 
> 
> This was fun stuff and I'm stoked that I did really well. I don't know what happened to wecht, but it's probably good for me as I had spelt _huevos_ (_Mexican for _'bullocks') with a 'j'. Gargh! (ok if I borrow?)  Wecht, I hope everything's alright...



Except I never said 'play the judges' -- I said 'know your judges', almost entirely concerning choosing what to write about. But, hey, don't let that stop you from making an entirely pointless cheap shot.

I'm judging this round of the LM then I'm done with this place for a while.


----------



## Lewdog

Leyline said:


> Except I never said 'play the judges' -- I said 'know your judges', almost entirely concerning choosing what to write about. But, hey, don't let that stop you from making an entirely pointless cheap shot.
> 
> I'm judging this round of the LM then I'm done with this place for a while.



I don't think Kevin meant it as a jab at you, but more of an opinion of your LM help article.  You had some good advice in that article, but when I read it, this part stuck out to me as well.  Yet at the time I didn't say anything because I figured it would just be viewed negatively when it was only a small part of the whole.  My understanding is that the LM contest is supposed to be a tool for a writer to hone their skills to be a better writer and that the judges be used as a tool to help them with that.  Winning is just a perk of doing well and not necessarily the end game.  That being said, the writer isn't going to benefit if they _write to the audience_ which seemed to be what you were implying.  Doing so, would be falling into the same trap that many around here criticize writers like Stephen King or Stephenie Meyer for doing.  They are often raked across the coals for pandering to the public in order to be widely accepted, instead of building an audience with their own well written style.  "Selling out," I guess would be the best applicable term here.  While your opinion that it helps in order to receive a good score in the contest, it seems counterproductive to what the spirit of the contest truly is.

Like I said, you had lots of good advice, but this just seems to be a part that Kevin and I agree isn't the best.


----------



## Jon M

Even if we pretended that anyone advocated writing for the judges, I don't think that is necessarily a bad or underhanded thing. This is a competition, after all, albeit a friendly one. Being aware of a judge's literary preferences qualifies as _research_, and writing to those preferences is a risk that may or may not pay off. 

So to clarify, I did not find Kevin's comment offensive. I just meant to explain my approach to these challenges.


----------



## Lewdog

Jon M said:


> Even if we pretended that anyone advocated writing for the judges, I don't think that is necessarily a bad or underhanded thing. This is a competition, after all, albeit a friendly one. Being aware of a judge's literary preferences qualifies as _research_, and writing to those preferences is a risk that may or may not pay off.
> 
> So just to clarify, I did not find Kevin's comment offensive. I just meant to explain my approach to these challenges.



I'm not saying it's underhanded.  I just stand by my opinion that writing to the judges isn't going to necessarily make someone a better writer at the end of the day no matter how well it may help their scores in the contest.  That is unless, you think learning to write what the public likes, and not what interests you as an individual and with your own style, makes a better writer.  While yes, I think it's important to be well-rounded.  It's important first to become a good writer before working on different concepts.


----------



## NathanBrazil

Jesus.  George never said it was the end all - be all.  Take what you will.  Throw away the rest.  All of this back and forth is the last thing we need for the LM.  Clarifications are important, but nothing beyond that.  Now we're losing judges.  Which doesn't surprise me.  The LM is losing its generally friendly atmosphere.


----------



## Leyline

Jon M said:


> Even if we pretended that anyone advocated writing for the judges, I don't think that is necessarily a bad or underhanded thing. This is a competition, after all, albeit a friendly one. Being aware of a judge's literary preferences qualifies as _research_, and writing to those preferences is a risk that may or may not pay off.
> 
> So to clarify, I did not find Kevin's comment offensive. I just meant to explain my approach to these challenges.



To clarify, I don't find Kevin's comment 'offensive' either -- just pointless and unnecessary. I make it abundantly clear in my post that it's all my own opinion and the way _I_ approach the LM. I make it clear that other people have won doing things in other ways. I don't even _hint_ that there's anything objective about my advice. I also make it clear that it's aimed at first timers and new members who are looking for a way to proceed, and may feel a bit overwhelmed just jumping in.

I'd also like to point out that it wasn't written as an 'article' -- it was a semi-humorous post in the Coffee Shop. Other people decided to make it an article. I was not actually consulted. My reaction was basically: "Aww, that was nice."

And that's why I find the comment pointless and unnecessary, and why -- in combination with quite a few other factors -- it makes me think I need a break from this place.


----------



## Lewdog

Leyline said:


> To clarify, I don't find Kevin's comment 'offensive' either -- just pointless and unnecessary. I make it abundantly clear in my post that it's all my own opinion and the way _I_ approach the LM. I make it clear that other people have won doing things in other ways. I don't even _hint_ that there's anything objective about my advice. I also make it clear that it's aimed at first timers and new members who are looking for a way to proceed, and may feel a bit overwhelmed just jumping in.
> 
> I'd also like to point out that it wasn't written as an 'article' -- it was a semi-humorous post in the Coffee Shop. Other people decided to make it an article. I was not actually consulted. My reaction was basically: "Aww, that was nice."
> 
> And that's why I find the comment pointless and unnecessary, and why -- in combination with quite a few other factors -- it makes me think I need a break from this place.



I agreed with a lot of the comments that you gave, and thought it was mostly good advice.  This just happened to be the only part I disagreed with.  Personal disputes aside which I think are mostly personality conflicts, I for one hope you change your mind.  It's obvious you are a talented author and provide positive feedback and experience to the forum.


----------



## squidtender

*don't make me sit all you down for a group hug and a few verses of "kum bah yah". Keep it friendly or squid goes and gets the thumb screws*


----------



## Deleted member 49710

When you submit work to literary journals, magazines, websites, etc., one of the most common things you see in editorial guidelines is the instruction to know your market--to read the work that they publish and think about how your work will fit into their general aesthetic before submitting. Call it pandering if you like, but if you're interested in publishing your work, it's important. Because, despite the incredible high quality of my writing, my profound characterization and plots full of intrigue and angst, _Tin House_ is still gonna reject all the My Little Pony fanfic I send them. It's just not what they do, and I'm wasting my time and theirs by sending it.

Clearly this is optional in the LM, as is everything, but this is the spirit in which I interpreted George's advice to know the judges, and I think it is certainly a legitimate issue for consideration.

In any case, congratulations to Jon M on his well-deserved win and to Leyline and Kevin for their excellent work as well.


----------



## Leyline

lasm said:


> Because, despite the incredible high quality of my writing, my profound characterization and plots full of intrigue and angst, _Tin House_ is still gonna reject all the My Little Pony fanfic I send them.



Well, thanks. It's been a few weeks since coffee came out of my nose.


----------



## Lewdog

lasm said:


> When you submit work to literary journals, magazines, websites, etc., one of the most common things you see in editorial guidelines is the instruction to know your market--to read the work that they publish and think about how your work will fit into their general aesthetic before submitting. Call it pandering if you like, but if you're interested in publishing your work, it's important. Because, despite the incredible high quality of my writing, my profound characterization and plots full of intrigue and angst, _Tin House_ is still gonna reject all the My Little Pony fanfic I send them. It's just not what they do, and I'm wasting my time and theirs by sending it.
> 
> Clearly this is optional in the LM, as is everything, but this is the spirit in which I interpreted George's advice to know the judges, and I think it is certainly a legitimate issue for consideration.
> 
> In any case, congratulations to Jon M on his well-deserved win and to Leyline and Kevin for their excellent work as well.




Haha, funny analogy  but I think if you are a writer of _My Little Pony_ fan-fiction, the problem wouldn't be being rejected by _Tin House_, but that you are submitting your stories to the wrong type of publication.


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## FleshEater

I fully agree with Leyline about writing for your judges. It won't guarantee you a win, but I know I sure like reading what I like more than what I don't. 

I know Leyline likes emotion, so when he judges I try to incorporate that.

I know JonM hates everything, so... When JonM judges I try to write more literary, more artistically. 

Lasm likes creative, thoughtful pieces that are powerful. Moderan likes clever and well written pieces. 

I have no idea what Fin likes. 

So on and so on...it makes you a much better writer because it forces you to think about things you might not consider otherwise.


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## Pluralized

Seems a bit ludicrous, really. Writing to which judge, then? Are you really going to inflect your work with tone and word choices based on that? If so, what about the other judges? That's the point in having four judges, so you get a varied and unpredictable result, requiring everyone to submit their best work. 

I'm satisfied with how it panned out, especially getting a comment like "Mad as a bag of frogs." That made my day. May get that tattooed somewhere about my person. 

George - I hope you can come to grips with whatever has been gnawing on you; your presence here is valued by many people and it would be a shame not to have your input regularly.


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## moderan

To my way of thinking, the best thing about George's advice column was the bit about humor. Everyone can use a laugh, or at least a grin. I try to season with that. Otherwise, I just write. I don't think about how to make the judges happy. Too complicated for the likes of me.


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## Leyline

Pluralized said:


> Seems a bit ludicrous, really. Writing to which judge, then? Are you really going to inflect your work with tone and word choices based on that? If so, what about the other judges? That's the point in having four judges, so you get a varied and unpredictable result, requiring everyone to submit their best work.



That would be ludicrous. It's also not at all what I said. This is what I said:



> Find out what your judges like *as a way to narrow the prompt ideas*. If  three of the four profess a taste for science fiction and the third  seems neutral, you might consider going for a science fictional idea,  especially if you had an idea for one along with other good ideas. *This  is not a guarantee, but it's helpful in deciding what to write.*


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## Pluralized

Clarifying - like a BOSS. *whipping sound*


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## bazz cargo

*Harumph*

Congratulations to Leyline, Kevin and jon m.

I am double chuffed to sit on the bench with such talented judges. Especially Bad Craziness who said such nice things about my effort. 

Thanks to Fin for organising with aplomb. 

And a special 'all who took part' award for some of the best entries so far.

And Leyline; a special reminder: Whatever you write will be misunderstood, misconstrued and misquoted. Such is the artist's burden.
Onward and upward...


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## Jamie

Personally, I've been put off submitting anything for the last couple of LMs, purely because I don't feel certain styles are appreciated, and any lighthearted piece is always doomed to failure as soon as someone else submits their moving-and-incredibly-serious entry, especially if they're already a firm forum favourite. And yes, I'm sure plenty will disagree with that, but then I didn't ask you to agree with me, nor did I state that anything I've just said is completely true - it's just my gut feeling.

It doesn't exactly change my feelings when I see that there's advice going round to pander to what the panel of judges prefer. If you're on that panel you should judge the writing, full stop. But many don't. I've seen people get 20/20 and then the judge will say "I always enjoy your writing" alongside "I could mark you down for this error, but I won't". I've said it before and got shot down and I'll say it again and get shot down - I think there's favouritism and inconsistency, and I think there's a preference for a certain style and genre as well.

Just my two pennies worth. I realise it isn't as important as what someone else might contribute.


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## Lewdog

I think things have gotten a little side tracked, and regardless of anyone's advice, Jon wrote a nice story, and with the limited amount of knowledge of his personal life I've had, I'm sure he had some real emotions behind his words, and that showed up well in his work.


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## Terry D

An LM entry is like submitting a story to a magazine; it should be well crafted, engaging, as SPaG perfect as possible, and it should be targeted to its market (in this case the judges).  To ignore any of those criteria in favor of an individual artistic choice is certainly an author's prerogative, but, just like in the 'real world' of submissions, s/he assumes the risk of failure in that chosen market.  My entry several months ago into the Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning competition fell flat with the judges because I chose to write it as a series of Twitter Tweets.  It was great fun (and one of the most difficult entries I've ever put together), but I wasn't surprised when it didn't score well because I ignored the last two criteria I listed above.  My choice.  The judges did, and continue to do, a great job.

Congratulations to the winners this time around.  @Jon--_Clean_ is dynamite.


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## ppsage

I feel like the judging has gotten really slack. I hardly ever get a single digit score anymore. Let alone two. Makes me wish LaF would come out of retirement for a guest judging appearance. I'm getting afraid to enter anymore because there seems to be a possibility I might actually win and I don't know how I'd ever explain *that* to my deconstructionist colleagues.


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## Lewdog

I'm not sure I know of too many contests where the contestant has to adapt to the judges, instead of the judges just being unbiased and judging the work.  I'll take my shot at an analogy like Lasm.

If a woman decides to enter a beauty contest for the first time, and she finds out one of the judges seems to always give blondes high scores, should she dye her hair blonde?  Or, should she be herself and believe she will be judged on her beauty no matter what her hair color is?  

I'm judging for the first time this month after competing in the contest four times.  My approach as a judge will be to treat each piece separately, and even if a story is a subject I wouldn't normally read, I'll judge it based on if I were someone that normally would.  The only thing important to me, is be yourself, be creative, and give your best effort.


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## Kevin

Uncle George's advice was great. It quantified something I was sort of hazily guessing at: Tactics. Thank You Mr. P. and I'm sorry my command of the English language is such that I came across as posting a dig. That's really not what I meant at all. My deepest apologies. I just tried to say that I followed them where I could and did really well, but then Jon just wrote an excellent story and won. So maybe there's also this element of the unknown which I haven't figured. I say Bravo to the both of you and to the rest who tried and submitted a variety of really creative pieces.


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## Leyline

Kevin said:


> Uncle George's advice was great. It quantified something I was sort of hazily guessing at: Tactics. Thank You Mr. P. and I'm sorry my command of the English language is such that I came across as posting a dig. That's really not what I meant at all. My deepest apologies. I just tried to say that I followed them where I could and did really well, but then Jon just wrote an excellent story and won. So maybe there's also this element of the unknown which I haven't figured. I say Bravo to the both of you and to the rest who tried and submitted a variety of really creative pieces.



No worries, Kevin. I over-reacted a bit, I guess.


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## J Anfinson

Can we still have that group hug? I think it would feel nice.


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## Rustgold

*Bazz*


> The individual sections were done well and the imagination behind the concept is strong. The execution is a bit too erratic for my taste. Perhaps sticking to one theme would help.


The sections failed with an edit, or the lack of (had been tired from work & only wrote it on the last day).  I wanted her to be bossy, but I overdid it and the sections needed to be calmed down.  They also needed to convey a proceeding narrative better.


*Moderan*


> Sad ending. Good little piece of dystopian sf, with the bubble houses and the totalitarianism. Readable.


This was my intention, I've never done dystopian before.  An edit would have made it even more readable.


*Bad Crazy*


> I felt like there was an in-joke operating throughout the piece that I just wasn’t a part of and I couldn’t work out if Owen’s last line was a sarcastic needling of his sister or the resolution of the joke I wasn’t in on to begin with.


I had intended the question of whether he liked or disliked his sister's disappearance to be unknown.




> The *Click* of whatever it was being turned off just served to confuse me more. What was the purpose of it?


It was supposed to be a radio (or TV).  I failure on my part.




> I was just left searching for a little more meaning when you specifically introduced “Lord Castleton” as a character rather than referring to a more general political class


I'll have to reread through that part.

*Overall*
I know it needed an edit, I agree with the judges general positioning of about 5th.  Thanks for the crits.


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## Kevin

J Anfinson said:


> Can we still have that group hug? I think it would feel nice.


 Okay, but no tongue...


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## Lewdog

Kevin said:


> Okay, but no tongue...



Your hugs normally have tongue?  Are you originally from West Virginia or Kentucky?


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## J Anfinson

YAY!

:barbershop_quartet_ And a one, and a two...

Kumbaya my lord... :barbershop_quartet_


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## Rustgold

J Anfinson said:


> YAY!
> :barbershop_quartet_ And a one, and a two...
> Kumbaya my lord... :barbershop_quartet_



Thumb screws would be less torturous.


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## Lewdog

I will say that I wish I had concentrated more on my piece.  I wanted to try something different and write a non-linear story.  It was the fourth story I wrote for the Bubbles prompt and I took a long time stuttering over the first paragraph.  As Moderan pointed out, I had a vision in my head, but I couldn't come up with the right words.  I guess I could have said she had a 'haze' around her instead of a 'gleam,' and that might have some off better.  It wasn't meant really to be a shine, but more of a fuzzy aura like things appear through water.

I agree with you Bazz that it had some clunky moments, I had been so frustrated with the first paragraph that I wasn't even going to finish the story, then on the last day some people prodded me to finish, so in the last couple hours I through the rest of it together.  If I would have put my time in it, I think it could have been much better.  It was already such a far out idea, all it needed was a good flow to come out well.

Bad, I think if you read the story again, you'll see that the first paragraph isn't really repeated at the end.  The first paragraph is really the 'show,' that takes place.  From the third paragraph which starts to provide background information through the end, is just the sequence of events that lead up to the show, culminating in the last paragraph where she is about to start the show and begins to have second thoughts.  In the end money wins.  I would have liked to give more details about her life, but there is a word limit, and I don't feel like I really had any parts I could have cut out to replace with more bio fill.  Everything had its importance to the story.


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## moderan

Yeah right. I suppose I'll do a hug and ignore for a moment that my integrity has been called into question. The moment anyone has proof of such an allegation, I'll take it seriously. In the meantime, please feel free to take a four-letter word and apply it where it feels best. Your choice.
I don't know how any other veteran judges feel about that, but I'm grossly insulted. Forgive me for being serious. 
Now back to your regularly-scheduled pissing and moaning.


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## Rustgold

People can take as much or as little from a critique (or piece judging) as they choose.  If you take something from it, good; or not, your choice & right.  People should just be mindful that not everybody sees the world for the same eyes as you; and this is a friendly contest, take as much or little from it as you will.


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## Travers

I just read a few of the entries, and I have to say, I think that the judging was pretty spot on. Not only that, the entries that I read were just such a great standard. Well done everyone, entrants and judges alike! It's inspired me to *possibly* give it a go this month.


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## Dictarium

While it may seem a daunting task for some to even enter as they think they'll be trampled by more long-standing LM contestants due to precedence or whatever, or a not-so-serious effort for others in that the scores are at a scale too high: remember that this is (from what I can see as a first-time participant) essentially for fun and feedback and, most paramount of all, to practice writing. Writing with a prompt in and of itself is a helpful exercise in writing; the judging and possibility of winning is just an added incentive.

+$0.02

e: Also, for the record, calling into question the integrity of judges in a fun, community activity is a little silly, IMO. If you want an example of what happens when a community takes a nice, playful contest far too seriously and have a few dozen hours, peruse this, and realize how much you don't want to devolve into that.


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## Staff Deployment

On an iPad, when clicking a link, there's an option to place your finger over it for a second and you get a list of options. I did that for Dictarium's link. It asked me, "Would you like to open halo.bungie.n—" NOOOOOO THANK YOU


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## Jon M

FleshEater said:


> I know JonM hates everything, so... When JonM judges I try to write more literary, more artistically.


It's true, it's true. _(hangs head in shame)_ uker: :lol:



Jamie said:


> Personally, I've been put off submitting anything for the last couple of LMs, purely because I don't feel certain styles are appreciated, and any lighthearted piece is always doomed to failure as soon as someone else submits their moving-and-incredibly-serious entry, especially if they're already a firm forum favourite. And yes, I'm sure plenty will disagree with that, but then I didn't ask you to agree with me, nor did I state that anything I've just said is completely true - it's just my gut feeling.
> 
> It doesn't exactly change my feelings when I see that there's advice going round to pander to what the panel of judges prefer. If you're on that panel you should judge the writing, full stop. But many don't. I've seen people get 20/20 and then the judge will say "I always enjoy your writing" alongside "I could mark you down for this error, but I won't". I've said it before and got shot down and I'll say it again and get shot down - I think there's favouritism and inconsistency, and I think there's a preference for a certain style and genre as well.
> 
> Just my two pennies worth. I realise it isn't as important as what someone else might contribute.


Would like to discuss this ... sensibly, but worry tempers will flare and the coffee shop explodes. Right. Well, let's try anyway ...

You're probably right about there being some favortism among the judges, though I would say it is mild at best. I have never personally seen any gross abuse of power by a judge. But even so, favortism seems inevitable in a community like this, where we are all writers and generally supportive of each other. I don't see how that could be completely prevented. Though I think many of the judges make great attempts at remaining objective. This competition, for example. I know that Bazz prefers the comical to the deeply serious and, in my case, hopeless stories, and yet he gave mine high marks. He even said he didn't enjoy it! I have great respect for people like that who can put aside their tastes and appreciate something for what it is. That is why Bazz is a great judge. 

I think maybe what is being forgotten here is that the LM is not just good training for writers, it is good training for how to critique other people's work. And if you agree that there are different skill levels when it comes to both of these areas, then I think you have to acknowledge that there will be inconsistency at times in regards to scoring and be okay with that. 

But I don't agree with this:_
[...] and any lighthearted piece is always doomed to failure as soon as someone else submits their moving-and-incredibly-serious entry [...]_​ 
Though I am not personally offended by the mildly sarcastic tone of this, some might be. It's like saying the pretentious _lit'rary_ stuff, the _artsy fartsy_ stuff, always wins, and not only is that not true, it reads like a jab. Were the situation reversed, you'd be hearing the literary guy claiming anything light-hearted is _juvenile_ or _amateurish_ or whatever. We each have our preferences and we write what we write. None of us should take flak for that, either. 

Leyline's article did not say to pander to judges, though. What I took away from it is _do your research_. If you really, really, really want to win (a mindset I do not advise, since preferences are subjective and the best entry, from a technical or craft standpoint, is not necessarily assured to win), then do some homework and determine what the judges are partial to and use that information to work from. But it's not a guarantee of success by any means.

*Off-topic*:

Forgot to mention this earlier, and this'll doubtless sound silly and pretentious, but Bad Craziness mentioned some missed commas and just wanted to say that those were intentional (if the same as the ones I'm thinking about). Rhythm purposes. Wanted the sentences to run together without a comma indicating a pause. Okay, I feel pedantic now. _(goes and takes a shower)_

Thanks Terry and Lew for the kind words.


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## ppsage

> "Would you like to open halo.bungie.n—" NOOOOOO THANK YOU


Just some kind of comic book fan-fic joint. Harmless. What passes for contention there seems, by comparison, sappy and juvenile. Which is probably what Dicta meant.

****



> "_[...] and any lighthearted piece is always doomed to failure as soon as someone else submits their moving-and-incredibly-serious entry [...]"  _*sic & "*It's like saying the pretentious _lit'rary stuff, the artsy fartsy stuff, always wins"_


I don't take it as saying this at all, sort of the opposite. I wouldn't hardly ever call the tearjerker stuff, which often wins, though not by any means always, at all literary, usually it's played totally straight and gritty. And it is hard to compete with comically, although some people routinely manage to.

****

Initially, I took Ley's advice the way I think he did, pretty tongue in cheek and pretty obvious and more joshing folx into giving the LM a whirl, and maybe with an underhanded attempt to keep the temperatures cool. Wasn't until a bunch of people who don't usually have much to say here commented and such, that I made myself understand that it was an actual, flipping _*article! 

****
*_
I personally always disagree strenuously with what the judges have to say about my entries and it's always a struggle to stay polite after they butcher everything I've tried to do, but usually I manage good enough to stay unmoderated and in a few months I'm ready to be suckered again. That's the beauty of it. The thing is, no matter how absurdly prejudiced those Soviet judges seem to be {this is a joke and an Olympic figure skating reference; keep your pants up} real live judging of any caliber, never mind the superior variety which we indubitably enjoy, is the making of this contest and nobody should question that and anybody ought to think again before jeopardizing it in the slightest way.

****

P. S. I've got first dids on the last 500 words of this thread as my entry for this month's challenge.


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## moderan

Jamie said:


> Personally, I've been put off submitting anything  for the last couple of LMs, purely because I don't feel certain styles  are appreciated, and any lighthearted piece is always doomed to failure  as soon as someone else submits their moving-and-incredibly-serious  entry, especially if they're already a firm forum favourite. And yes,  I'm sure plenty will disagree with that, but then I didn't ask you to  agree with me, nor did I state that anything I've just said is  completely true - it's just my gut feeling.
> 
> It doesn't exactly change my feelings when I see that there's advice  going round to pander to what the panel of judges prefer. If you're on  that panel you should judge the writing, full stop. But many don't. I've  seen people get 20/20 and then the judge will say "I always enjoy your  writing" alongside "I could mark you down for this error, but I won't".  I've said it before and got shot down and I'll say it again and get shot  down - I think there's favouritism and inconsistency, and I think  there's a preference for a certain style and genre as well.
> 
> Just my two pennies worth. I realise it isn't as important as what someone else might contribute.



Everything everyone says is of equal importance here. We're all peers. I will agree that there is inconsistency because of the varying levels of expertise that Jon mentioned. I will not agree that there is favoritism. There's some give-and-take backstage about keeping the judging at a certain level, making sure that everyone is treated fairly, by people who have been longtime supporters of this admirable monthly event. Trying to keep things at a reasonably adult and professional level.
This endless amateurish niggling and nattering over nothing grows old FAST. Jamie, perhaps the lesson you were supposed to learn by being a judge didn't take. I don't believe for a second that you judged my piece impartially. I think that your take was unperceptive, rushed, and just plain wrong. But I never said a thing until now, to you. I was pissed off for days. Not because I didn't win, but because of poor judgement. I have witnesses as to my expressing that very sentiment.
And I'd still judge any piece you entered on its merits. It's no secret that Lewdog and I don't get along, but I treated him fairly and gave his piece the score that it deserved.
I realize you "say" that these are your feelings. I feel that you mean to stir the pot. And so you have. Others try to stir that pot every time they enter.
You're ruining the best part of this website, and one that I've personally worked my ass off to preserve. Therefore I take what you say very personally. 
I left this website over a question of integrity. I didn't flounce. I didn't make an announcement that I was leaving and then pop up a couple of days later bearing ill will.
So...before you level charges of favoritism and lack of integrity, no matter how veiled as "feewin's" and not "fax", perhaps you should think before posting. You have insulted my friends, my colleagues, and myself. We all work overtime to be sure that our word is good.
Yours is no longer credible, in my eyes. I am diminished by your presence.


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## Jamie

To be honest, Moderan, I could give a great long reply to that, but it would be utterly pointless.

And just for the record, I was already aware of how you felt regarding my "unperceptive, rushed, and just plain wrong" judgement of your entry.

The content of your reply makes it very difficult to care that I've offended you, as you've certainly gone out of your way to give it back in typical condescending fashion.

-----------

Jon, thanks for the reply. I'll pm you so as not derail the thread further.


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## bazz cargo

Right!

Enough is enough. It is time to put our differences aside and move on. 

And it is good to see you (PP) down amongst us proletariats. 

Who is next in line for getting a round in?


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## Terry D

Enough is enough.  Squid has warned, and bazz has suggested, so now I'm going to throw my insignificant weight behind their direction and tell everyone that no more personal comments, snide remarks, or aspersions against another member's integrity will be tolerated. If you need a cooling down period, spend a few minutes reading the rules regarding flaming and forum etiquette, because the infractions I'm prepared to start handing out will be based on those. We've all let our egos do enough damage to a thread which should exist to congratulate the winners and thank everyone who participated.


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## Sam

This thread was created to post the scores of the latest LM and subsequently congratulate the winner and show appreciation to the participants and judges. How it has been reduced to this I have no idea, but it isn't going to become commonplace in future LMs. Literary Manoeuvres was designed to be a fun challenge where participants learn and enjoy the atmosphere of competing without the bruised egos and bickering that exists in real-life competition. 

It's all well and good taking your entry seriously. What's happening here is a case of people being sore losers. Here's a life lesson for free: Do you know how to get good grades in college/university? You write what your lecturer wants to read. It's not pandering. It's called 'playing the game'. Now get this thing back on track or it will be locked for 24 hours until everyone has a chance to cool off. And just so there's no mistaking, this comment is not open for reply.


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## FleshEater

Back on track: I had not read any entries at all, at least not until I saw the winners. I read Jon's piece and was blown away. I just wanted to say that Clean was amazing Jon. The whole ballon thing at the end left my jaw hanging open.


----------



## Jon M

Thanks so much for the compliment, FE.


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## spartan928

FleshEater said:


> Back on track: I had not read any entries at all, at least not until I saw the winners. I read Jon's piece and was blown away. I just wanted to say that Clean was amazing Jon. The whole ballon thing at the end left my jaw hanging open.



Ditto. 

The contest is a free writers workshop once a month.  Taking the time to write a story (or two, or three) a month and submit is a small price for the objective feedback one gets in return. LM itself is not the privilege. It's the quality of writing and critiques that come out of it that make it a privilege to participate.


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## Bad Craziness

Afternoon all,

Nice bit of niggle happening in the forums post-LM. Sheesh. 

Looking at my scores and critiques next to the other two judges I hope that people didn't feel like I marked them too severely. I felt that it had to be done along a bell curve. Scores aside, the most important part about entering LM is the critiques.  I put my hand up to judge cos I'd entered a couple of LMs and thought it was my turn to give back and do the same for others. Who doesn't like getting an opinion on their work?

People appear to get way too hung up about "winning". It's a contest on a writing forum. "Winning" is selling a piece of your writing. This is just good practice, a good place to experiment and to try new things. I scored and critiqued in order to try and be helpful and to identify areas which _might_ improve your work. In my opinion.

I enjoyed reading all of the pieces and congratulate all those who decided to enter.


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## Leyline

Bad Craziness --

I thought your critique of my piece was _superb_. Reasoned, polite, insightful and _helpful_. I appreciate the compliments and the criticisms equally. Thank you sir, and I'm sorry I didn't say so in the first place. 

And that goes for bazz and mod as well.


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## J Anfinson

^ I completely agree. Even if mine wasn't to everyones taste, the critique was still valuable.


----------

