# Vopral Chapter One pt 1



## Krzyh (Sep 5, 2012)

_This is a piece I started last winter and have been slowly working to compile. This is only a part of chapter one because I didn't think anyone would want to read all 20 pages of chapter one in a single post. I appreciate any grammar correction that anyone can catch I tried to find as many as I could. 

9-6-12: Made some changes and hopefully I got it down. If anyone sees anymore please let me know or if I missed the mark tell me.
_ 
Val awoke in a cold sweat. The light of day had not yet broken the horizon. He flailed his arm at his nightstand searching for his alarm clock. The glowing dial read four o'clock. He sat up rubbing the water from his face. It had been eight nights in a row, he has awoken early. What made it worse was the same dream had disturbed his sleep each night. Both the dream's origin and meaning kept slipping through his fingers.  


“I think I might be beginning to lose my mind. No that can't be true, I'm still young. I quit all my bad habits.” He thought trying his best to reassure himself.


Val's clock soon struck six and it was time for him to begin his preparations for the workday ahead.  



Dressed Val jumped on his bicycle and made his way through the urban jungle to his job at the Crane House publishing company. He had been working at what would seem like his dream job for the past two years after graduating with a degree in English Literature. Val was in charge of editing and approving manuscripts that arrived from many would be novelist and inspecting them for literary merit. Unfortunately finding any literary merit in the works he had to edit was as easy as locating the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre. Most of the time Val would be reading through an endless supply of dime store romance type manuscripts. They would obviously be written about a popular idol by a fan in hopes of spreading their love through words. The results most often was a mash of horrible grammar and spelling that would make most fifth grade teachers cry themselves to sleep. These works fell on his desk everyday for review in his small nook in the wall he called an office. The manuscripts would often give him a headache and make him feel as if he were losing intelligence by simply reading them. Fortunately his work environment made up for most of the brain draining reading he had to do. Val's coworkers were a completely different experience than the papers he had to read; most were articulate, insightful and work diligently except for a selected few such as Evan Myer. Val didn't dislike the man but Evan had the notion that he and Val were very close friends and would often sit during his lunch hour with Val. Today was to exception and right on the dot Evan appeared his food in hand and a recollection of last evening’s escapades in his head.


“Dude, I have to tell you about last night”


Now Val had come to realize that every Monday, Evan would recall his night life to him. Part of him wondered if the stories that Evan told him were even true or if they were attempts to  leave some sort of memorable impression with someone in the office.  


“What about it?”


“I have to tell you about his awesome bar I went to. The drinks were strong and the women easy”


“Really? That sound like a great time”


He responded never breaking his gaze from the manuscripts he was editing, his red pen barely leaving the paper before he happened upon another mutilation of the English language.


“It was man. I had like six. No, seven shots. While totally plastered I got two girls on each arm and we went back to my place.”


“Let me guess, you had sex with both of them.”


“Oh yeah. Wanna smell my fingers?”


“I rather not.”


The conversation continued in the same fashion; Evan would speak of the past night's event describing the liquor he drank, the women he met and the illicit activities he wasn't present for. The day wore on and soon it was time to clock out. Val made his way out of the office and on to the sidewalk; the skies seemed to darken as clouds rolled in from the east. Expecting rain he dialed his girlfriend, Megan in hopes she would be kind enough to pick him up. The receiver rang until he heard the all too familiar message.


“Hi, you've reach Megan. I can't answer right now so leave a message and I'll get back to you.”


He hung up his phone and strapped on his helmet, his new plan was to beat the rain to his apartment.  Val was nearly half way home when the rain began to come down, it soon became a downpour. The heavy rain fell down to the earth like a gray curtain in front of Val, all he could do was squint his eyes to better see the road ahead. Cold and wet, he made the quick decision to take a shortcut through a local park he normally avoided taking in order to get to his nice dry bed sooner. The paths were not the main reason he avoided this shortcut, it was because many people sped down the roads surrounding the park. Weighing his options Val came to the conclusion that he would rather risk the cars than risk becoming ill. Jumping the curb he raced through the park on its narrow and winding trails. The trails were full of puddles and the dirt had begun to turn to mud making it an even more difficult ride.  


Val reached the other side of the park and the rain continued to make visibility terrible as the large drops of water collided with his eyes. He jumped the curb again to cross the street as the headlights of an oncoming car became visible in the corner of his eye. Val slammed on his brakes in a futile attempt to stop himself but it was too late. The car's grille smashed into his shin pinning his leg to his bike and throwing the rest of his body onto the hood of the car. Time slowed as Val's head hit the windshield of the car. Seconds in time seemed to become hours. Rolling off the side of the hood he could feel the individual droplets hitting his face. Time caught up to Val once he felt the jagged pavement tear into his side, he could hear the sound of the car as it drove off into the distance. The world was slowly turning black as he fought to keep consciousness but soon passed out on the side of the road bleeding.


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## Kryptex (Sep 5, 2012)

Today was to exception

No exception*? 

Is there a such a thing as over-emphasising? Hmm.

I like it, left me wanting to read more - bearing in mind a lot of works do 

I dont understand the title though, is it his name? Or meant to be Vorpal - a fictional sword?

Not bad though.


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## Krzyh (Sep 5, 2012)

Kryptex said:


> Today was to exception
> 
> No exception*?
> 
> ...



Oh lord that typo was a bit embarrassing. Could you expand on what you mean by over-emphasising?
The title comes into play a bit later in the chapter and yes it is a fictional sword from the Lewis Carroll poem, The Jabberwocky


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## Kryptex (Sep 5, 2012)

Ahh I thought it was 

Well, I mean that you sometimes over describe parts, such as the first couple of sentences & the last paragraph.

Try loosening your words a little, it requires effort to read large amounts of work.

But like I said, you do it well so it's worth reading.


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## Krzyh (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks for that input I'll try to cut out some of the last paragraph and make it easier to read


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## Rellek (Sep 6, 2012)

Solid work mate. You do go a bit heavy on the visual details/descriptions, and that might be something to keep in mind to watch out for. It's a fine line to walk between detailing your world and driving the story forward, one I think any writer wrestles with. Other than that, it was a pleasure to read. I hope you have more written out for Evan, he's an interesting character. Or is it caricature.


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## ~Ara~ (Sep 6, 2012)

Krzyh said:


> He sighed, exhausted from his restless tossing and turning while asleep he laid on his back looking up at his bedroom ceiling.



Hmm, It's good, I agree with Relek and Kryptex. Evan does sound interesting, and the first couple of paragraphs are a bit... difficult to read. It might just be me, but the sentence above confused me a bit. In general the first two paragraphs I think could do with a bit more impact, especially seeing as it's that start of your story. Maybe make some of your sentences shorter and don't spell things out for the reader so much. 

After that though I like it a lot more. Going from then on it feels like the story is going somewhere more, and it's just in general more attention grabbing.


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## Tigerbunny (Sep 6, 2012)

Hey Krzyh -  I think you have a lot of telling here that you could fix easily and some tense issues.  I hope you don't mind, but I changed your first paragraph to show you what I mean:

Val woke early that morning, a cold sweat creeping down his brow, the light of day not yet breaking the horizon.  Flailing his right arm at the nightstand, he searched for his alarm clock -- the glowing dial read four o'clock.  Exhausted from a another restless night of tossing and turning, he sighed and laid back to stare at his bedroom ceiling.  This was the eighth night in a row he had been abruptly woken from his sleep.  What made the situation worse is that it was the same dream that woke him over and over again.  Try as he might, he couldn't wrap his mind around it.  He was only 25 years old so it wasn't like his brain was degraded or anything.  He was healthy and he didn't party any more now that he was out of college.  A moment later his clock struck six.  (I would leave it here to end your first paragraph.)

Dressed, Val hitched a leg over his (RALEIGH/BMX/CITY CRUISER), a bike he rode every morning through the urban jungle to get to his job as an agent at (NAME), a downtown publishing house with a reputation for putting out (TEENAGE PROSE/ROMANCE NOVELS/SCI FI) drivel.  

By changing your tense, you automatically change your sentence structure to read in "active" mode and it drops the reader right into the story.  I like this story because its told from a guys perspective of the literary field - a refreshing change I might add.  Good luck with this.   

 - Tigerbunny


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## Krzyh (Sep 6, 2012)

@Ara- I'll redo that sentence a bit, I can see where it can sound a bit weird and people could stumble on it.

@Tigerbunny- First I have to say I enjoy the name if your referring to the manga Tiger & Bunny. Second thank you for that, I think I will change up that first paragraph a bit to make it flow better.

The overall consensus I am getting from the many great comments is that I need to reduce my visuals a bit to let the reader imagine the world for themselves and try to make it easier to read. I will take all this into consideration and put it toward the next part I hopefully apply it successfully in part 2


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## BWFoster78 (Sep 6, 2012)

> Val awoke in the early morning, the light of day had not yet broken the horizon and a cold sweat crept down his brow.



How about this instead: Val awoke in a cold sweat.  The light of day had not yet broken the horizon.  It gets across, I think, everything you wanted with 8 fewer words.



> He flailed his arm at his nightstand searching for his alarm clock, the glowing dial read four o'clock.



I like the flailing arm.  Good visual and good action.  "The glowing dial read four o'clock" is a complete sentence.  You need a period instead of a comma.



> Sighing he sat up rubbing his face in a vain attempt to relieve his discomfort.



The "sigh," to me, contradicts the sweat.  The sweat seems to indicate anxiety, which the sigh does not convey.  How about: Sitting up, he rubbed his face...  I also didn't get, at first blush, that the discomfort came from the sweat.  Would it be clearer to write: "rubbing the water from his face."



> This was the eighth night in a row that he was abruptly awoken from his sleep and what made the situation worse was the fact that the same dream had been waking him.



This is unnecessarily wordy, passive, and uses two forms of the word "wake" in the same sentence.  How about: Eight nights in a row, he had been awoken early.  Worse, the same dream disturbed his sleep each time.  That's not quite right, but maybe you can play with it.



> He couldn't wrap his mind on why he was having this weird dream.



How about: The origins of the dream eluded him.  Or something like that?  "Could" and "was" are both weak.



> He was only 25 years old so his mind couldn't be degrading already. He was healthy and it's not as if he partied anymore now that he was out of college.



This exposition is a little clumsy.  I'd rather this be presented in a different manner.  Internal dialogue or a conversation with a concerned friend perhaps?



> Val's clock soon struck six and it was time for him to begin his preparations for the workday ahead.



You've got a bit of a perception problem here.  Since his arm flails for the alarm clock earlier, I assumed that it was going off.  Now, I don't think that that's the case.  Please clarify.  Show him dragging himself out of bed.

Hope this helps!  

Brian


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## Krzyh (Sep 6, 2012)

@BWFoster78- Thank you so much. I was having a hard time trying to fix that first paragraph and your comments made it a lot easier to fix it. Please stick around I will post part 2 here within a day or two after I have another look at it.


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## BWFoster78 (Sep 7, 2012)

Krzyh said:


> @BWFoster78- Thank you so much. I was having a hard time trying to fix that first paragraph and your comments made it a lot easier to fix it. Please stick around I will post part 2 here within a day or two after I have another look at it.



Glad I could help.  If I don't remember to take a look, shoot me a message reminding me.


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## Elvenswordsman (Sep 7, 2012)

This may not mean much, but I think Val might not be a great main character's name; too ambiguous.


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## Krzyh (Sep 7, 2012)

Elvenswordsman said:


> This may not mean much, but I think Val might not be a great main character's name; too ambiguous.



It will all make sense give it time, just wait till part two


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## Krzyh (Sep 8, 2012)

*Part 2*

Val opened his eyes surprised to find out that he was still alive. The sky was now clear and the sun made its appearance once again. Val blinked a few times then realized something wasn't right about the world. First and most alarming was the fact that he felt no pain what so ever. He felt the warms of the sun and the cool kiss of the breeze but no pain. Second was the ground didn't feel right, the last thing Val could remember was landing on the sandpaper like asphalt pavement and his head against the street curb. The ground instead felt soft and almost rubbery as he pushed his hand down on his surface. Val rolled over on his stomach to discover the red polka dotted surface he was laying on. Alarmed, he sprang upright to see that he was laying on a very large mushroom. Val quickly pivoted and look all around him to see that he was no longer in the city or anywhere he had been before. He was surrounded by a forest of tall grass with large flowers standing erect above. Giant trees could be seen in the distance. Strange birds with trumpets for beaks took to the sky sounding a thunderous call as they flew over head. Val jumped off the mushroom on to the ground below. Still in shock he began to wander down what appeared like a clear path. Soon more animals crossed his path some stranger than other; armadillos wearing hats scurried across the path. Giant spiders carrying baskets full of other animals balanced on silk lines above. Before long the path he stumbled upon a small stream with two sign post floating in the water, oddly enough one sign floated with the current and read “This way” and the other which floated against the current read “That way”. None of what was happening made any sense to Val, it was like he was stuck in some twisted LSD fueled dream. He jumped across the stream and began to cut his way through the grass forest running into flowers that seemed to scream as he bumped into their stems. Unaware of where he was going he slipped down an embankment and rolled down the slick grass cover slope. Finally stopping when he rolled into an large clearing at the bottom of the embankment; he laid there sure that he had gone mad when he heard a voice.

“Are you quite done?”

  Val quickly looked up but saw no one, only two more polka dotted mushrooms.


“Who's there? Where are you?”


“I'm in front of you. If you pick yourself up, you might be able to see me”


Val wiped the mud off his face and stood up scanning the area for the source of the voice. He began to walk towards the mushrooms only to find out that they were much smaller than originally thought. 
Kneeling down Val spotted a caterpillar sitting on one of the two mushrooms.


“Ah so it seems you have finally found me”


“Wait, what?! How are you talking to me? You're a caterpillar”


“Yes, yes they all say that but like everyone else you will understand soon. Now how about you take a seat and I can begin to explain”

  Val looked around for a stool or something he could sit on but the clearing was bare except for the two mushrooms at his feet.

“I would love to sit but there is nothing for me sit down on”

  The caterpillar sighed and rubbed his eyes with one of his many hands then answered.

“The mushroom, you may sit on the mushroom.” Puzzled, Val looked at the caterpillar trying to see it logic.


“I'm fairly certain I can't sit on it, I'm not as small as you”


“You have much to learn if you think I am small.”


“Well I am almost a thousand time larger than you so I'm sure you are small”


He turned around to look at the second mushroom again only to have found that it had grown to the size of a small car. Immediately he swung around to see the caterpillar sitting above him looking down from atop of the other mushroom. The caterpillar now the size of a large man much larger that Val. It sat with what appeared to be a long twisted tobacco pipe in his hand.


“As I said before you have much to learn and we have very little time. Now please sit down.”

  Val took a seat on top of the second mushroom and looked up at the caterpillar as it took another drag off its pipe and exhale the smoke in the shape of a butterfly then began.  

“Tell me, what is your name?”    


“Valentino Latour but people just call me Val”


“Val? An interesting name”


The caterpillar took another drag on his pipe.


“Can you tell me what's going on and what I am doing here?”

  It exhaled this time the smoke took the form of crane before drifting off.


“You were meant to come here. Putting in simply.”


“What do you mean? I've never even heard of a place like this, why am I here?”


“You are a Vorpal or should I say a bearer of the Vorpal”


“Vorpal? What is a Vorpal? Who are you?”


The caterpillar crawled down from its mushroom and gesture Val to follow it; the two began to walk towards the edge of the clearing. The caterpillar rang a bell mounted on a post near the edge of the clearing within a few moments a elevator car dropped from the sky. It was then that Val realized that it was not sky or a canopy that was above his head but rather the ground that he had no sooner been walking on. The doors to the elevator opened and the caterpillar motioned for him to enter. The doors closed and it felt as if the elevator was traveling in an upwards motion. When the door opened once again the elevator was correctly orientate with a clean brick path laid out in front. The two exited and the door shut behind them as the elevator rose into the air and disappeared out of sight.  


“Come now, we can't stop.”


Val quickly caught up to the caterpillar as they marched up the winding path to the base of what seem to be giant oak tree. Many animals gathered at the base of tree many placing food or other items into a basket at the base of a statue. Upon closer inspection the details of the statue become much more clear, it was a young woman no older that Val standing with a sword on her waist and a shield on her back. The animals began to part as the caterpillar and Val approached the base of the statue, Val could hear whispering among the crowds.  


“This is the first Vorpal. She arrived  not unlike you, she was confused and scared by the different surroundings.”


“Why is she armed?”


“This of course was after she rid the our world of the Jabberwocky”

  The crowd became agitated by the mention of the name.

“The what?”


“It was the corrupter, the destroyer, the devourer. Everyone had given up until she arrived.”


“So how did she rid the world of the Jabberwiki?”


“She was the first to naturally unbind Vorpal Blade from its deep slumber of course. The blade of legend, the only thing that could kill the Jabberwocky”

  The crowd all made a slashing motion with their right arm while yelling out.

“One, two! One, two! and through and through.”

  The caterpillar took a few steps closer to the statue still explaining the story.

“She slew the Jabberwocky finally bringing peace to our world. Unfortunately that peace did not last, war and other evils blossomed over time.”


At the base of the statue the caterpillar inserted his pipe into a small hole and turned it like key causing a symphony of turning gears raising a small stone block from between the statue’s feet. The caterpillar slowly turned the top half of the block releasing an extensive locking system. Reaching down it pulled a box out from its dark reaches. The caterpillar handed the box to Val and gestured him to open it.


“We were blessed though, when we thought the evil would consume our world and all hope had died, another Vorpal would appear to cleanse our world again. I'm certain that you are our new Vorpal.”

  Val opened the box to reveal a silver pocket watch with a heart emblem engraved on its cover and an old mirror covered in obsidian shaded dust.  

“What I am supposed to do with these?”


“Look into the mirror and it will prove you are a Vorpal.”


Val wiped off the dust with a piece of cloth that one of the animals provided him. The dust was thick, thicker than he anticipated but it slowly began to wipe clean off letting the reflective surface taste the light. Val gazed into the mirror only to be shocked at who was looking back through the glass, it was girl. Val could not help but stare at the girl in the mirror, she mimicked every movement he made and stare back at him with a pair of deep emerald eye. After a few moments Val noticed that his hands didn't look quite normal, they were slender and his skin was much fairer. He began to touch is face only realize that his face had change from its once sharp features with a strong jaw to a more narrow face with a soft bone structure. Val grabbed his hair to find that it was much longer than before, it was well down the middle of his back and it was no longer a chestnut brown but a raven black. Val put the mirror down slowly and starred at the caterpillar trying to come up with something to say.


“It would seem the unyou has finally come to light. The green eyes though prove you are a Vorpal.”


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## Rellek (Sep 8, 2012)

I hate to sound like I'm bashing you, but your part 2 is a bit of a let down. Your part 1 had a good ominous tone, had some similes and visuals that shined and kept me interested.... then it all degrades into an Adam in Wonderland fanfic. Are you sure this is where you want to take your story? You have talent creating personalities and "believable" people. You want to instead re-tread down some very familiar paths with some very familiar themes?


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## Rellek (Sep 8, 2012)

Ehhh that sounded harsh on the second re-read. What I'm trying to say is this: You got talent. Don't be afraid to write your own story with your own characters. We've all met the caterpillar and the Chestshire Cat and the Jabberwokky before, known them since we were young.


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## Krzyh (Sep 9, 2012)

Understandable I mean I did write this entire piece in a weekend so I am perfectly open to working with it and changing it around. The only part I would want to keep the same is the idea of Val being a guy having to deal with fact that he has to complete his goals in a female body. I used the Wonderland theme as a reasonable setting to him changing genders at the drop of a hat. I was contemplating rewriting nearly the entire thing and working on my own fictional world with influence from Wonderland, Oz and a few other fables. I am glad you were straight forward with me and told be bluntly what you thought about my work.


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## Kryptex (Sep 9, 2012)

Before long the path he stumbled upon a small stream with two sign post floating in the water

Few typos there ^
“You were meant to come here. Putting in simply.”

it* ^

There may be more, I don't know, but pretty good. My only criticism is to not use such blatant words to describe what's happening. I like the storyline though - but it seems a little out there for your first parts description. Though part 2 is much, much better than part 1.

Although perhaps you could up the metaphorical descriptive game just a little.


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## Krzyh (Sep 10, 2012)

Thank you for catching those. Yes, I know that the story is a bit odd. At the time I wrote this piece I was tired of writing dramatic pieces and want to do something completely strange but in a good way.


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## FleshEater (Sep 10, 2012)

I think I'm in the same boat as Rellek. I really liked the first part of the story, though I really had no idea where it was headed. When I found out where it was going with part 2 I said "ok, I'm along for the ride" until the pipe smoking caterpillar, then you lost me. 

This is kind of like tackling a mystical sword and dwarf story, they've been beaten to death. However, you have an interesting approach to this, especially since part 1 took place during modern day. Perhaps make the world a bit darker, more sinister (Clive Barker meets Burton?). I felt like I was reading a story directed towards 14 year olds only through a more advanced, drug induced perspective. 

I also really hope the end doesn't have the main character waking up back in the real world wondering if it was a dream induced through coma or something like that. I find myself wanting a dismal ending for these characters, like they're trapped in these worlds to live and to die much like our "real world" permits and I never get to see it happen ha-ha! 

Keep posting progress though; I'd really like to see how (if you do) rework the second part of the story and look forward to reading more.


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## Krzyh (Sep 11, 2012)

FleshEater said:


> I think I'm in the same boat as Rellek. I really liked the first part of the story, though I really had no idea where it was headed. When I found out where it was going with part 2 I said "ok, I'm along for the ride" until the pipe smoking caterpillar, then you lost me.
> 
> This is kind of like tackling a mystical sword and dwarf story, they've been beaten to death. However, you have an interesting approach to this, especially since part 1 took place during modern day. Perhaps make the world a bit darker, more sinister (Clive Barker meets Burton?). I felt like I was reading a story directed towards 14 year olds only through a more advanced, drug induced perspective.
> 
> ...



Thanks for you input, I'll post the rewritten part two soon.


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## Wartec (Oct 24, 2012)

Awesome story. Though you could benefit from making shorter sentences.
Overall the story content is excellent. I also believe when you make shorter sentences,
be sure to make every single word count.


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