# Advice/opinions...if you'd like to share?



## Zedten (Dec 15, 2011)

I told my 'x'? husband to leave back in April after a big argument, where he threatened to hit me and kill me and smash the door down, all in front of our children. His punch missed. It wasn't the first time he'd lost his temper, and so quickly, he'd never physically hurt me, just pushed and shoved me a couple of times, but I'm sure his temperament added to the stress I was feeling when I was pregnant and ended up in hospital in premature labour twice in a week after vicious rows. This was the last straw for me. I packed a bag for him, cos I knew he'd be back, this was really hard, but I knew if I didn't do it then I wouldn't be strong enough to again. I felt scared in my home and dead locked the doors at night.
I understand people say stuff they don't mean when they argue, but when we met up afterwards he kept saying I was the one who needed help and it was my fault for winding him up. 
Its been several months now, I only took down the wedding photos recently, think I have been scared to move on, he's been living in digs ever since, has continued to see the children. He says he wants us to try again, but I can't see that he's changed, and I don't think I love him anymore, I still care about him, and am scared he'll turn really nasty if we go through all the motions of divorce, so I suppose I've been putting it off. It's Christmas soon, I don't know what to do, I feel sorry for him, but I don't think I could take him back, but I feel bad about it and for the children. I didn't want a broken marriage, or to raise the children alone, its so hard. And I don't want to be alone.

Am I being stupid? Does this happen in a lot of relationships and people just get on with it or put up with it? it's not how I've been brought up, but sometimes I think maybe it is normal and I'm making too much of it? 
But even if that is the case, I don't think I could love him again, not at this moment anyway.


----------



## ProcrastinationStation (Dec 15, 2011)

Zedten said:


> he threatened to hit me and kill me and smash the door down, all in front of our children. His punch missed. It wasn't the first time he'd lost his temper, and so quickly, he'd never physically hurt me, just pushed and shoved me a couple of times,
> 
> I felt scared in my home and dead locked the doors at night.
> 
> ...



I've cut out parts of the post and left the most important ones.
 He threatened it, how far away is he from carrying out those threats? Yes, people say things in the heat of the moment, but most people havn't already gotten physical at that point. It does not matter that he missed, what matters is he threw a punch in the first place. If he is willing to push and shove, he may escalate as time goes on.
You wouldn't say he tried to run me down in a car and missed and be fine with it. I know that is far more extreme example but really, the attempt is what is important not the outcome.

You were scared enough to feel the need to dead lock the doors, that should be a strong indication that you yourself couldn't trust him not to try to attack you or the children. 

Abusers often try to blame the abused and alleviate their involvement/guilt.
If he hasn't changed why should you allow him back into your home, what has he done to prove to you he can be trusted, that it wont happen again? Words are cheap, actions are hard. this involves your children, whether you think they will be effected or not, they will be. They will grow up thinking that a violent relationship is a happy and loving relationship, they will think arguments and shoving (potentially more) is normal, whether you think it is or not, shoving is, to me, equal to hitting. It's using strenght and physical threats to get his way or to end the arguement.

Again, if you are scared of how he will react to a divorce then it shows again that while he hasn't gotten overly physical or to more extreme forms of physical force, you think he is very capable of it. 

It does not matter that it is christmas, as mean as that might sound. You and your childrens safety is all that matters. If you think he could get violent/fear for your safety why should you invite him back? I think your children would prefer a christmas without their father than one where they are scared because their parents fighting or because their father attacked their mother. 

It shouldn't happen in relationships. Arguments happen but they should never, never get physical from either party. People shouldn't put up with it, though some do (I have heard many woman say "he hits me because he loves me, it shows he cares".) It is not normal. It is not right. It shouldn't happen.

If you need to you could ask for help from friends and family, once you have gotten rid of him you have the chance ot move on and find someone better, who will treat your with dignity and respect that everyone deserves. You say you don't want to be alone, but is being alone worse than being in a marrige with a man you don't love while you fear for your safety?


----------



## Zedten (Dec 16, 2011)

Thanks, I needed that, sometimes when you're stuck in a situation it blurs your vision of reality. 
That's helped me to see clearly, thanks.


----------



## ProcrastinationStation (Dec 16, 2011)

I'm glad I could help and I understand how you can rationalise thing away, I've done it myself and sometimes you need someone else to tell you that something isn't right. I really hope everything works out for you. It might be tough but it will be worth it. 

If you're struggling emotionally there might be support groups in your area with other women who are going through something similar and it could make things easier if you talk about it.


----------



## Kevin (Dec 16, 2011)

Everything PcSt said. Law enforcement. They should be involved. Great deterrent. I know a guy with temper issues. He's always been a big effen baby. After they locked his @$$ up a few times, he magically "learned".


----------



## Sunny (Dec 16, 2011)

Hi Zedten. 

I think that you've done the hardest part. You left! Now is the time for you to heal and move on. 

I think women find it too easy to lose their self-respect, the love they should feel for themselves; to protect themselves. He was a coward and should never have raised a hand to you, no matter how angry he was. We all get angry, we all want to slap or punch something sometimes, but we're grown-up enough to know, that we don't. We go somewhere, we walk it off, we chill out. 

If he gets angry over the divorce coming his way, well too bad, he did it. He did this. He made this situation! He must be accountable for his actions. You've admitted that you're not in love with him anymore, so don't go back. And I'd say the same thing even if you _were_ in love with him. Be strong, be confident and be brave! All of which you have been! You are so brave to get yourself and your children out of that situation. You knew enough when you left that it was wrong, and just because time has gone by, doesn't mean it's any less wrong. 

Christmas time has nothing to do with anything. 

Just remember, you did what you _had_ to, and what you must continue to do. Be strong! You're a brave woman! ;0)


----------



## Zedten (Dec 16, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies, and support, I really appreciate it.


----------



## aj47 (Dec 16, 2011)

WARNING:  If your husband does any of that, in many places, unless you've filed for divorce if he comes to your place and invades/threatens/attacks you, it is "domestic violence" not breaking and entering, assault, etc.

Learned the hard way.


----------



## egpenny (Dec 16, 2011)

I've gone through spousal abuse too.  Your husband has taken no responsiblity for his actions, he blames you.  That means he hasn't changed and won't change unless he seeks some sort of help.  What was said before is right, the children would not only be damaged by seeing violence against a woman as normal, but in the end he will get around to hurting them too, it's guarenteed.  You didn't say what country your in, but talk to Law enforcement, they'll keep a record and advise you of what legal steps to take for your protection.  Go wherever you have to go to learn how to handle this situation to your advantage.  Christmas is just a day in your life, you can make it special for your children without their father being there.  Be strong and know there are a lot of woman out here that have been where you are now.


----------



## KangTheMad (Dec 17, 2011)

I'm proud of you for having the strength and courage to kick him out. Nothing makes me go "what, really???" than a woman who puts up with an openly abusive husband, it's just plain wrong. My respect is even further into the negatives for him that he did that in front of his kids. Wow.

File for divorce. Please.


----------



## The Backward OX (Dec 17, 2011)

Has anyone suggested castration? Seriously.


----------



## egpenny (Jan 10, 2012)

It's not about sex, it's mental.  It's about manipulation, domination and control.  He probably feels inadequate about his life and abusing her makes him feel powerful.   He's someone who will shove another down to push himself up.  I had hoped she would give us a clue as to what happened after she wrote.


----------



## Zedten (Jan 11, 2012)

I had put it down to us coming from different countries, backgrounds and cultures, I am his only family here in the UK, I think he was stressed and missing his home and culture. So I suppose I had been feeling kinda responsible. 
I'd been putting off dealing with getting a divorce also, cos he'd threatened to take the kids away to his home country, which if he did, it is legal over there. He has been better with me recently, but all what he said is still at the back of my mind.
Anyhow, regardless of all of that, there has been 'too much water under the bridge' and I am thinking to be fair to us both we should get divorced. It isn't easy tho' cos, although what happened, happened, like I wrote it, he was also kind and loving at times. That's what fries my head!


----------



## egpenny (Jan 15, 2012)

In the end, it's your life and the life of your children and you are the only one who can decide what to do.  I would still advise you to talk to someone about this, someone who is capable of helping you see your options, a counsellor at a battered women's shelter or someone else of the nature.   Nice and then violent is the pattern for abusers, it keeps you off guard.  Take care and good luck.


----------



## Foxee (Jan 15, 2012)

I just had a long conversation with someone this morning who grew up in a home with an abusive father, trust me, you don't want your kids to grow up like that. He couldn't sleep at night with his mother and father fighting and not knowing if he'd have to race downstairs to pull his father off of beating his mother. I know it has to seem less frightening to stay in the situation and try to make the best of it. But if he's exploded with anger this many times and finally tried to punch you, if he's telling you that it's your fault, say with me now:

That is unacceptable
that is unacceptable
that is unacceptable
(repeat until you're convinced)

Find an advocate as egpenny suggested and get out of the whole situation. Fight him hard as you can for the kids. No part of this is good for them or for you.


----------



## Zedten (Jun 14, 2012)

Hi, I re-read this thread every now and again, it helps.
 I am getting a divorce.
It is lonely tho' being on my own raising 2 young kids, I'm trying to push myself with work, I'm a floundering artist! 
How on earth tho' do I meet someone else? And someone nice?


----------



## patskywriter (Jun 14, 2012)

meeting someone on the rebound is usually a very bad idea. take a year to get the guy out of your system. concentrate on your kids—they don't need to attach/detach/reattach themselves to new men as you search for mr right. please don't think that i'm suggesting that you're going to be promiscuous. you just want to start fresh, be steady on your own feet, strong, independent, and ready to attract a good guy and not someone who's looking for a "wounded doe" (an excellent target for an abuser).


----------



## Sunny (Jun 14, 2012)

I think the best ones come to you, when you're not even looking. You'll just wake up one day, and they'll be there. Maybe, just maybe they were there all along, and you didn't even know it - you didn't see them. And then one day, you'll look at them and you'll say, "Hey! I wasn't even looking for you. But here you are! You! You are one of the best parts of my life, now." 

Just be patient, keep doing what you're doing... and when the time is right, it'll happen. ;0)


----------



## misusscarlet (Jul 15, 2012)

How old are your children may I ask? If they're old enough to talk they should be old enough to tell you that they did not like daddy being mean to you. I was sad to hear your Ex was a douchebag, excuse my language, and that he threw a punch at you. You are a woman you are strong, you must always, always remember that us women... unwillingly donate a pint of blood a certain time each month! Men do not! Us women create life, hold life and squeeze life out screaming all the way. Men do not. Always remember that. Sorry if I grossed anyone out.


----------



## alanmt (Jul 15, 2012)

Here's some other advice, if you check back.

1.  Regardless of his past abuse toward you, he is your children's father.  Although you live apart now, they will do best if you and he co-parent.  Unless he abandons them outright, which you have no control over, it is your job to encourage that father/children relationship, and to include him in parental decisionmaking, and to keep him informed, and not to bad talk him in front of them.  If you are concerned about his anger management problem, ask the court to order him to attend classes or counseling as part of the parenting plan, or see if he will agree.

2.  You and the children get some counseling now, if you haven't already.  A  lot of times abuse causes mild to severe PTSD symptoms.  These can be worked though, but do so sooner rather than later.

3.  As noted above, for your own sake and that of your children, do not date anyone until well after the divorce is final.

4.  Here will be the most difficult bit of advice to hear, as I am about to deviate from the supportive "you brave, noble, poor victim" narrative in the rest of the thread.  After your divorce is final for a bit, and the immediate emotions have subsided, and you feel you can be a bit more objective, broach with your counselor the subject of what you did wrong to escalate these encounters, and whether it is indicative of a personality or relationship interaction issue that you need to work on before entering into a new relationship.  

Conventional wisdom and law assigns all the fault for domestic abuse on the person who first gets physical.  That is overly simplistic and dangerous, in my opinion.  The person who breaks first has committed an assault and ought to suffer the full legal consequences thereof.  They cannot be excused from such by claiming that the other person made them mad, as your husband attempted to do.  But I have to say this: in my field I have seen only a few truly innocent victims of domestic violence, in the sense that society imagines them.  What I usually see are two angry and troubled people both contributing to the escalation of conflict, both behaving badly and goading each other until one breaks and does something violent.  There are many more victims of domestic violence who have viciously provoked and stoked the anger of their partner to the breaking point than otherwise.  While they are not primarily responsible for the violence, I consider them morally complicit in it and an accessory both to their own injury and the emotional injury inflicted on any witnessing children.  Such people move from abusive relationship to abusive relationship not only because they are bad at choosing who they love, but also because they contribute to making the relationship abusive.

I have no idea, zedten, whether you are one of these persons.  I hope not.  But for the sake of your future relationships and your children's long-term wellbeing, you ought to explore this with your counselor once things are settled.


----------



## Zedten (Jul 16, 2012)

Alanmt, I wont enlarge on details of why we broke up, but now, we do talk, we still care about each other, and he does see the kids regularly. I know it's important for Dads to be involved. And I don't talk badly about him in front of them, or to our mutual friends or to my parents. 
I know that one person is not solely to blame, and that people react differently to different personalities. 
But for the children's sake it was better we separated when we did.
Thanks for the advice.
Yes, I'm not 'one of them' and I don't class myself as suffering domestic abuse, but it did get irretrievably bad and that's it. 

Misusscarlet, at 4 and 1 they knew when things weren't good, and showed it. And yes, having a child is an amazing gift that men can't experience in the same way as women. There are many trials in life, many much harder than childbirth that men and women both experience.
Working together, understanding and love will get us through.  thanks for your support.


----------

