# Scores - Literary Maneuvers Feb 2019



## bdcharles (Mar 4, 2019)

The moment is here. Identities revealed.

[spoiler2=Fatclub]
*FORGIVENESS*
Score: 10/20
This is 655 words so I guess your word counter is counting “…half-hop…” ,  “Ultra-pale…”, “…newly-fallen…”, “…snow-blowers…” and “God-gifted…” as  one word each. I have to let you off as it’s an honest mistake and so  easy to cut five words if you’d known.
I enjoyed this although there’s a few things stopping it from being an easy read. 
I’m aware that with this type of piece one could write half as much  without any problem. It doesn’t seem like much of a challenge to me as  there’s very little story, giving you the opportunity to wax lyrical  about the atmosphere, the character’s feminine side, imagination and  even religion.
Careful starting sentences with ‘And’ and ‘But’. You have two sentences  starting with ‘And’ which has me stopping to think if you should.
Early in you had me puzzling over ": those type of snows…" Should it be  "This type of snowfall…"?  If you're trying to avoid using 'snowfall'  twice I suggest replacing the next with 'atmosphere'.  
Should be as in artist’s ‘palette’ rather than “…pallet…” (twice).
As a reader, things like "…virgin precipitation…" really mean very little to me. 
Some sentences like the one beginning “He sat still for so long…” run away from you a bit and consequently trip you up.
I found the end too cutie pie-ish (my little bunny, baby bunny, one less  bunny, etc.) perhaps an attempt to garner sympathy at the end.
Too repeat myself after the negatives, I did enjoy the read.

*A Matter of Substance*
Score: 8/20
652 words. I imagine your counter is counting “…bloody hell…” and “…machine-gun…” as one word each.
When you mention trench I automatically set the scene as WW1 which I've read a lot about. 
This confused me- "Shall we have some now?" they'd just been talking about sun, not food.
For me, the 'humour' doesn't merit any laughs. There aren't any 'jokes'.
I liked the idea of Tom wanting the snow to cover the gruesome scene. 
I found the dialogue a bit clunky and over the top. I found myself going  over it puzzling over one or two things like why is Tom rolling  Freddie’s fag. Also, when Tom says “I win! Hand over the chocolate.” I  go back looking for a wager that I’ve missed but didn’t miss – there  isn’t one. When I found that Tom’s from Yorkshire I’d already been  reading his lines mentally without the accent. Then I think 'does he  have a Yorkshire accent? He might not.  I wasn’t keen on the words  ‘loon’ and ‘damn it’. You have the movie problem of depicting dried  blood as bright red when really it’s brown. I don’t understand how Tom’s  gone ‘over’ and returned. Surely he'd be dead, injured in no-man's land  or shooting Germans in a German trench. Tom and Freddie seem too jovial  if there’s just been a bloodbath.
Nice idea, though. I’d have preferred it if you’d delved more into the snow covering the scene.

*FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW*
Score: 9/20
626 words, not sure how you came to 646.
Anyway, I feel that too much of this is unclear. Despite you feeding me  info early on. For example  “the elderly woman said to the nurse.”  (She’s old, female, with a nurse.) You could just have  this - “, said  Betty.” The surrounding  sentences still give me enough info.
Very early in you mention “Yet, the Filipino nurse…” had me wondering  about the ‘Yet’ and looking back for a non-existent link to merit the  "Yet,". Then Penn’s name didn’t strike me as a Filipino name so I  thought they were two different people. Then “Not today, Betty. Besides,  you didn’t eat your lunch.” Does this mean Betty _can_ sit by the window if she eats her lunch?  “You haven’t eaten your lunch, yet.” is better but doesn’t explain the “Not today…”?
Your punctuation and sentence structure could do with improving or  simplifying. i.e. "Eat up, Betty, eat up." Should be "Eat up, Betty. Eat  up." 
What are dementia patients doing in the pill closet?
I thought Penn was addressing the orderly as Mrs Richardson, with the  way Mrs R’s just plonked into the story - as in "Is your name Mrs R?"  What has the death of Mrs Richardson to do with the overall story?
 I think this would have benefitted if the word limit was 600, then  irrelevant info like Penn’s nationality would be cut. You’re not doing  it because you’re comfortably getting under 650. Or keep to 650 and  delve into Penn’s dislike of the grandchildren or visitors or whatever  it is. 

*SNOW ANGEL*
Score: 12/20
Quite enjoyed this. A mostly smooth, easy read with just a few  surprising problems. When I read your first sentence I smiled and  thought “My God, this is gonna be awful.” It wasn’t. You see, you have  four words beginning with ‘B’. It’s not quite “Peter picked a peck of  pickled pepper” but you’re getting close. You touched on it again  slightly with “…hooded head…”. It’s just something to watch out for.
There were certain things that didn’t make sense to me but the twist in the ending lends me a forgiving hindsight.
Some of the description like “…white austerity…deathly veil.” Don’t make  sense to me. though with this and "…frozen desert.", "… white and grey  world."  and others, I felt you were running out of ways to describe the  same thing. I know that as readers we need reminding but I think you're  reminding me too much. 
“And there I saw it before me.” I try to avoid beginning sentences with  ‘And’ or ‘But’ because I think they’re grammatically incorrect. But I  will use them sometimes because they can give a sentence some punch. 
With twenty words to spare, I don't know if you considered linking the  end more closely with the beginning. There's not much fear in the MC of  frostbite, death, etc. Maybe you could have commented on this a little  more and the weather less.
On the first read I enjoyed it, which is what counts.

*Left Behind*
Score: 7/20
I've a big problem with this and its relationship with the prompt. It's  almost like you've written a story and tacked on the footprints in the  snow at the end. 
2nd in the prompt vote was 'Dead on the Tracks'. (You could have the  same story but the wife could have been flung from the vehicle and lay  dead on car tracks in the mud.)
Joint 3rd was "A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory". (You  could have the same story but he could be musing at the end when Mark  Twain's quote comes to his mind.)
One does wonder what the point of the prompt is, if this is okay. I  thought everyone is restricted, challenged and guided by the prompt.  Maybe I'm in a minority, we'll see.
Anyway, nicely written with a few silly mistakes which I caught on a first read so I don't know why they're still in.
 "…look lurking…" , I now know she knows." As I said in the other submissions, I'm not keen on this kind of thing.
"In our quick and heated rendezvous…" The previous sentence puts me with  the MC and his wife so, of course, I'm still there! When you mention  Mrs Crawford I have to look back and work things out.
"…that I imagined things." I think should be "…that I was imagining things."
"Nobody knew *she *said, and *her* smile, glances and touches that evening *proved* it." Apart from the atrocious punctuation, I'm looking back to work things out again. This should be "Nobody knew*,* she said*.* (or "*,*she assured me*.*") *M*y  wife's smile…proved it to me." Do you understand my confusion with the  'she' and 'her' here? If you use a pronoun to mention Mrs Crawford and  another pronoun for the wife in the same sentence - how do I know the  character's switched? I won't list any more of this type of thing  because there's a lot of unclear stuff.
Mostly nicely written but I do get the feeling that it would have  benefitted from leaving it for a couple of days and then you poring over  it.
With just 600 words used there's enough scope for more clarity. 


*Ascending*
Score: 15/20
For me this is the easiest read out of all of the submissions so far. It  doesn't look like you're trying too hard, just imparting info clearly  and concisely. Oh, apart from 'cobalt' in the first sentence which I've  made a note of to look up (I guess it means blue?). Should the word be  omitted just because I don't know it? No, but it does make things sound  airy-fairy. You've already said 'cloudless'.
At the start I guessed Dave died and a few sentences in I guessed why.  It's good to have a link from start to (nearly) the finish but that _can_ make it predictable. 
Here's a few nits (it's my job) from a second and third read.
"_That fit bastard_…" this whole sentence feels out of place. I'd have thought they're _all_ fit. How can Dave be fit after a year 'wasting' away? 
"Our lives have been irrevocably changed." This jumped out as odd. I  don't normally have a problem with 'irrevocably' but the way this is  used has me noting it down next to 'cobalt'.
I think the beers left by Dave need mentioning more clearly because the  character's reaction at the end seemed odd. I'd forgot Dave had left the  two beers and only remembered when I looked back for something to  explain this behaviour.
I'm struggling to find faults here which is good.
This is how I try to write: short, efficient sentences and mostly clear communication from you to me. Well done.

*Something's Ishy *(Fishy?)
3/20
I think if any story deserves a zero it should be disqualified. You do not merit disqualification.
Once again, I've a problem with the link to the prompt. It doesn't  matter what the prompt is because you could link this 'story' to  practically any prompt.
In that first paragraph the final sentence is an absolute mess. I don't  know what 'whip around' means or what 'wigged  out' means and I don't  know where Ishmael does or doesn't 'belong'. Also, I don't know what  Ishmael's done to merit being 'socked'. I'm just reading back and  thinking "What the hell is this?" when I should be smoothly reading a  story. So early in and you've totally lost me.
With perseverance and entrapment (I've no choice but to read on) I  enjoyed a little of what follows but not much. There's a rebellious tone  to this 'piece' at odds with you following the rules (650 words, good  creativity, a desire to 'break out of the box' ). On the second  paragraph, third sentence in when the MC is listing what 'chicks' he's  'boned' it reminded me of entertaining lists I've come across in other  work and I liked it. 
In the second paragraph prior to the stark dialogue it's not clear who's saying " Who cares?" or "Keep out *of if." (it)*
When you begin the stark dialogue, a character (I'm not sure which one)  reacts to the word 'breakfast', mentioned in the previous paragraph. But  the word 'breakfast' was not use in dialogue in the previous paragraph.  If Ishmael's mind-reading talents were thinking of breakfast it just  doesn't tie in with who's saying what in the dialogue.
I think more effort in making this reader-friendly is required.
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Megan Pearson]
*“Forgiveness” *
*By Anonymous, Post #2*
*SPaG: 3.5*
*T/V: 4.5*
*Effect: 7.5*
*Overall: 15.5 *

*SPaG:* Wrong word choice: _pallet_ s/b _palette_. No spaces needed here: _snowfall_, _snowmen_. Would choose a colon after _I love_ b/c what follows is a list. Consider also these two examples: _And the quiet; those…_ & _…in the yard; in that lovely, God-gifted snow_.  Keep in mind that semicolons separate independent clauses; yet, neither  of those clauses are independent. (These are.) Would suggest a comma  after _in the_ _yard_ to link together the repetitive prepositional phrases (_in the __)_ more smoothly. &Etc. Note: Excellent use of semicolon in _Until he moved_...

*T&V:* Good control, well-paced, and consistent. The emotional  tone was somber, melancholy and reflective. There’s a lot of depth here.  Smoothing over inconsistencies in SPaG will strengthen what is already  here.

Repetitions of note: _Quiet_, x’s 2. Effectively emphasizes the kind of quiet. _Little_,  x’s 8. Endearing but not distracting. Nice use of repeated  prepositional phrases and paired/contrasting ideas & imagery. I  thought these elements helped develop theme and added to the T&V.

*Effect/Review:* Favorite sentence: _So few things arrive in such pristine condition, but it never remains._

Theme of forgiveness developed by appeal to meta-themes:_ God / Sin / Forgiveness x’s 2 / _images of innocence & purity_ (virgin, baby) / unforgivable / _judgment & death_ (hawk)_

Standout contrast: The concerns of life vs the stillness of the snow (e.g., death)

I love animals and I love theology, so a story that brings them together  is one I will find interesting. I really liked this entry. I’m also  drawn to subtext, so when I read anthropomorphism I read the MC’s  projection of him/herself onto the subject in view (little bunny). It  may be a very real event the MC witnesses, yet I think it’s also an  allegory for MC’s own fears in facing death. Will the MC be forgiven? _Will anyone mourn the MC’s passing when his/her time comes?_  However, as a reader, I was confused that the MC did not struggle with  death but instead just tearfully accepted it. I felt let down. (Was the  MC giving up too easily?) Because of this, it also almost made it seem  like the focus really was on the little bunny, not the MC as told by  allegory—this, then, made me second-guess the piece’s intent. I think,  if the ending had more tightly reflected the beginning, that would have  helped sharpen the focus and given it more emotional punch. 
It’s a great piece dealing with a difficult subject. Yet, I also think  you can push this piece farther; doing so will help your reader more  easily grasp your intent. 

Nicely played off this month’s LM theme. Thank you for sharing it with us! 



*“Be Careful What You Wish For” *
*By Anonymous, Post #3*
*SPaG: 3.5*
*T/V: 3.5*
*Effect: 6.5*
*Overall: 13.5*

*SPaG Explained:* Awkward transition at _Laters./Meanwhile_. There were a couple of missing words that hindered a smooth reading, such as: _for _that_ purpose_; _but_ there were _no toes_ (or change punctuation). Missing space: _Anyway,now_. 

Of special note, setting _(air rifle)_ aside in parenthesis broke  up the flow of thought so that it in effect read ‘here we are talking  about this action (oh, by the way, it was done by a this!) and then we  continue this action.’ Can you better incorporate the parenthetical  material into the flow of events?

There were some possibly dialectical word choices I either didn’t count against SPaG (_…fed up of_), or thought were really very well done: _pugmarks_, _squelching_, _trod,_ and _espied_.  From the tone of the piece, my guess is it is not the case here that  the writer ran to a thesaurus but that these word choices instead  reflect the writer’s very natural way of speaking. Well done. It added  to the voice.

*T&V Explained: *I really struggled getting into this piece. I think this was because I stumbled off the block with _fed up_ _of_, which I came to realize later might reflect a dialectical phrase. But as I ran into _Anyway,now_ and _Laters./Meanwhile_,  I braced myself to keep on running into similar errors throughout the  rest of the piece—except, they weren’t there. Once this cleared up, the  voice of the writer began coming through. 

*Effect/Review:* Man, what a story! First the MC has to put up with  a bully, then the bully gets eaten by a bear! I really liked the  development of tension here, as well as how the theme of innocence  emerges. This sense of innocence is portrayed in the dangerous game the  bully plays with the MC, the MC’s wanting to prank the bobcat, and his  continually sniffly nose. It is this sniffly nose that becomes the MC’s  defining characteristic, not the rifle. At first, I thought the MC would  use his rifle somehow, yet it is the bully that is confrontational, not  the MC. This leads to an ironic ending where running away actually  saves the MC! 

Things that may have helped. I think if the set up were a little  tighter, with a smoother on ramp for the reader, then the entire piece  would have had a more consistent flow to it and yielded a better effect.  Also, the SPaG errors seemed like easy fixes the writer shows elsewhere  he or she is more than capable of catching on his own. Because of this,  I think the writer could have produced a more harmonious effect by  having done a little more editing before turning this in.

Again, a great, _creative_ use of this month’s theme! Thanks for sharing it with us & I’m looking forward to reading your submission next month!



*“A Matter of Substance” *
*By Anonymous, Post #4*
*SPaG: 4.75*
*T/V: 5.0*
*Effect: 9.75*
*Overall: 19.5*

*SPaG and T&V Explained:* The only thing here my eye got hung up on was _hoping for a rabbit; it is empty, again_. While there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with it grammatically, might a hard stop here, _…for_ _a rabbit. It is empty again.,_  create a stronger sense of disappointment? I marked this down just a  tad because I had to read it twice & felt this possible solution  might add more punch to the MC’s emotional response to his discovery.  I.e., the grammar choice affected tone (just took off for the one &  not both).

*Effect & Review:* Bloody lovely! I felt like I was in the  foxhole with the men. It’s WWI and the line is stalled; I think they’re  cut off from the line. You broke all the right rules in all the right  places; this piece has a lot of art to it. ‘Fraid I’m not being of much  help here. It’s a bad situation; Tom is hoping for snow, we find out, to  cover the nightmare of war. The chocolate and the joking provide a nice  repetitive thread, and the thoughts of home let the men escape—even if  for just a moment (i.e., provides thematic contrast). Their casual  interplay makes them seem like fully developed characters from a longer  work of fiction, not chess pieces simply created for the unfolding of a  short plot. I don’t generally like war stories, but I was won over  because this one was so character driven. Continuing on… The MC worries:  did his tracks lead to their dugout? But then there is the snowflake.  His hope is renewed! They may yet survive this. You never even had to  say this outright because the character already did; we know _why_ he’s excited over the snowflake. 

Maybe it’s just me, but that last bit (last sentence) and I didn’t click  at first. However, upon re-reading, it became clear the bet was made  off-stage. Tom is clever with the chocolate—it’s how he keeps their  spirits up. Yet, would it have been more effective to have mentioned the  bet beforehand? 

This story is also very closely built around this month’s challenge  theme. Overall, a fun piece to read. Thank you for sharing it with us!



*“Snow Angel” *
*By Anonymous, Post #5*
*SPaG: 3.5*
*T/V: 4.5*
*Effect: 9.5*
*Overall: 17.5*

*SPaG Explained:* The quadruple alliteration in the first sentence I found to be a bit overdone, detracting from the piece. Dependent clauses require commas: _…limbs, and…flurry, I…._ Also, in _Now _that_ the wind…,_ this a relative clause, one requiring a _that_. Redundant word choice: _faded in some places_. 

*T&V Explained: *I found the structure in this piece to be a  very well crafted. This structure really added to the tone that comes  across to the reader, which is one of hope and even denial that death is  a possibility. 

There is a clear dividing line, too, where I was just hoping the MC would make it, but when I read this watershed sentence, _I looked up at the sudden voice to see a hooded figure_, I realized that against hope, he might not make it to base camp. 

*Effect & Review:* Favorite phrase: _he said in voice as distant as the first memories of man_

We meet the MC as he battles the elements. His closest ally is too far  removed to do much else than inspire him; his nearest adversary he  refuses to recognize for what he is. There’s something about that  refusal to give in that I like. He is suffering from hypothermia, his  goal is unreachable, and he’s walked in a circle. The way you’ve  incorporated these factors was very realistic, adding to the tone. The  repeated image of being hooded (first the man, then death), and the  veiled black rocks contrasted against the veiled cape, was very  effective. Somehow you’ve turned death into a gentleman, which I found  effective because it was so unnerving! We all want to die with respect  and dignity. It was chilling that the comfort he found in freezing to  death was also realistic. If I could offer advice on how to improve this  piece, would creating a stronger voice have a better effect on the  reader?

Overall, great job! Thanks for sharing and providing us with an excellent story relying on this month’s theme!



*“Left Behind” *
*By Anonymous, Post #7*
*SPaG: 3.0*
*T/V: 5.0*
*Effect: 9.5*
*Overall: 17.5*

*SPaG Explained: *Comma missing: _nobody knew,_ _she said_
Remove comma: _I do remember is how_
Awkward: _where it happened, is_… Either delete the comma or follow it w/ a _that_, depending on the tone and pacing you wish to create.
Spelling: s/b _hovering_._ Down town _s/b_ downtown._
Word choice: _absent_ s/b _absence_; _flower_ s/b _floral. _
Kudos - This is a really nice simile: _like fireflies_

*T&V Explained: *The piece’s steady pacing created a foreboding  tone I thought effectively helped build the tension to its dramatic  ending. The laughter, the snarl, all of the images painted a tight  setting that reflected the narrator’s mood very well. 

*Effect & Review: *Ooo! I felt this was like reading film noir  in print (you mention the genre in your piece), where things seem larger  than life, where moments of clarity grow dark, even macabre upon  reflection, and perhaps even a little disjointed. I found this to be  very artistic and effective.

The open/close of this piece I thought particularly worth noting because  of the repeat not just of the thematic element of being alone, but also  the repeat of the fields and the recurring inclusion of the highway  where she perished. I wondered if the simile, _like fireflies_,  could be said to describe the man symbolically? He has a dependency on  his wife (she’s the one who drives), not something I would call love  and, in light of the other woman, I think it is more so an obsession  with that which he cannot have? Admittedly, the _laughter of relief_  threw me and I had to read that over. (There is something awkward here I  can’t put my finger on. Maybe there is a way to rewrite this to make it  smoother?) But I came to the conclusion this laughter was necessary and  reflected the genre well. Did she know? Didn’t she plan that spin out?  And now, she’s coming for him…a nice and chilling tie-in to this month’s  LM theme. 

I thought this piece used contrast very effectively (a film noir  technique) to highlight points of sparkle (and life) against the gloom  of loss (and death). And then it repeated these contrasting themes,  building momentum. For me, that is what made this piece effective far  beyond its minor aberrations. 

I have to confess; this is not a piece I would generally want to read (I  am not your ideal reader). However, I think it’s worth pointing out  that when a piece of writing elicits a strong reaction in a reader, and  that in itself is often a sign of good writing. I don’t think a lot of  work needs to be done to make this piece even stronger. It will be a  nice addition to your repertoire. Again, chilling tie-in with this  month's theme. Thank you for sharing it with us and I look forward to  reading your future entries!



*“Ascending” *
*By Anonymous, Post #8*
*SPaG: 4.5*
*T/V: 3.5*
*Effect: 5.5*
*Overall: 13.5*

*SPaG Explained: *Nothing jumped out to throttle me as I read it, so good job!
Note tense usage: s/b _prized_
Nice alliteration: _cloudless cobalt sky_

*T&V Explained: *Nice choice of first person narration for  this, except, I found myself responding the wrong way in places as if it  were written with a comedic, and not a serious, slant. I think there is  a huge amount of potential here to really grip the reader with a lot of  emotional punch. Improving the piece’s tone will help deliver that  sense of believability that I, at least, found missing. 

It may help to also look at the pacing when improving tone. For example, when the MC reflects, _our lives have been irrevocably changed_,  it pulls the reader out of the action and causes the reader to reflect  that the MC appears selfish, although I don’t think that’s what the  writer meant to have come across. 

*Effect & Review: *I loved this sentence: _The mountains have always been our sanctuary from the drain of our daily lives; these craggy peaks our playground._

The MC and his two best buddies scale a mountain on a clear day; only,  instead of bonding, one of them commits suicide. I think the two cans  left by the cairn are intended to represent Dave’s affection for his  friends, and the toast, of his friends’ affection for him. The best line  I found here is Colin’s, when his _lips press into a thin line as he considers the situation_,  and then he shouts. This was very realistic—I could see that happening.  Has an open/close but felt it could be stronger for reasons below. Some  of the MC’s commentary detracted from this reader’s experience.

The suicide of a friend kept coming to mind. We were not buddies; he was  my boss. It was shocking. Nobody saw it coming. We went through that  first week without him in stunned silence. I cannot imagine how  devastating it would have been had we been close friends—it would have  been that much worse than it was. I counted him as a valued friend and  mentor and I still miss him. He, too, had some pretty steep financial  problems at home due to having been unemployed and much debt from his  spouse’s medical bills, sort-of similar to the man in your story. So,  for me, toasting a buddy who has just killed himself while on our outing  just doesn’t ring true. It’s flippant. I realize the MC may indeed be a  shallow character, but I also felt let down as a reader. Is there some  way you can better preserve Dave’s dignity?

Really good use of this month’s theme. I think there is good potential  here—thank you for sharing it and I'm looking forward to reading your  future stories.



*“Something Ishy” *
*By Anonymous, Post #9*
*SPaG: 1.0*
*T/V: 3.0*
*Effect: 3.0*
*Overall: 7.0*

*SPaG Explained: *Run-on quotation after quotation, paragraph after  paragraph, made for dense, undecipherable reading. Parenthesized words  within quotes were difficult to follow. Lack of direction in who was  speaking disorienting. I did not give this piece the honor of a second  reading.

*T&V Explained: *Highly flippant. Repeated perverse, juvenile humor. Not believable. And I don’t mean the story content, which I am _not_  commenting on, but on the narration. If I feel anything about this MC,  it is pity. I’m pretty sure that is not the reader response you were  looking for.

If this was meant as an experimental piece, then good job on the fast pacing. 

*Effect/Review: *Dude, I am not your reader. There is an  open/close, but the open is cliché and the close grotesque. There is no  rhythm or art to what has been written. Continuous dialogue gives little  to no sense of setting or characterization. Content hinges on repeated  use of base language & insensitivity to real people groups (_there are at least three_)  and to characters in the story. This is highly offensive and without  warrant. If this was supposed to be an experimental piece of flash  fiction, please keep your audience in mind. 

I am not even sure if there’s a story here. Instead, I feel like I’m  reading a personal fantasy and not something written with a reader in  mind. The story—if it can be called that—is about gaining grotesque  self-gratification, whether gained financially, physically, or  spiritually. The unnamed and arrogant MC finds a way to gain  superhero-like powers. I’ll give you that the title fits and that you  have effectively incorporated the LM challenge. Good job.

However, I feel as if the opportunity to post anonymously has been taken advantage of by a writer _who has a lot of talent_—but  who doesn’t take his writing seriously. I think the best advice I can  give you is that if you begin taking this seriously, then your readers  will, too.
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=velo]


*Forgiveness
SpAG: 3.5
Tav: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 11.5
*

SpAG- first sentence should have been a full colon as a list followed it.  

"So few things arrive in such pristine condition, but it never remains."   This a very awkward sentence that reads like it moves from discussing  many things to one.  Needs a re-phrase of either the part before or the  part after the comma.  

There were a fair few sentences that I found awkwardly constructed.   Comma usage put me off on several of them.  Most of the things I noticed  were related to flow more so than strict SpAG.  

TaV: Very consistent but bordering on melodramatic use of phrasing.  

Effect: Overall a nice set piece and an excellent take on the prompt.  I  easily envisioned the scene but once I knew it was a baby rabbit I also  knew precisely how the story would end.  I did laugh because my wife  hates it when the dogs disturb the pristine, new snow that we so rarely  get here.  

However, this was not a terribly effective piece for me.  The wistful  meanderings of thought and description were lovely, but they didn't move  the story along.  A lovely exercise in descriptive writing, but as a  story it needed more.  


*Be Careful What You Wish For
SpAG: 2
Tav: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 7
*

SpAG: Some very awkward grammar throughout this submission, such as "He  lost the prints, then found them, then lost and found them again."  I  get that this is trying to show a frustrating repetitive cycle but the  wording is too awkwardly constructed, really took me away from the  story.  As did "laters" which was a massive distraction for me.  

TaV:  The voice did not work for me at all.  It seemed like the story  was trying to depict a rural type of location but that was lost entirely  lost at "laters."  Honestly, that one word, used at it was, took me so  far out of the story with its incongruity I could not get back.  

Effect:  So many wording, cadence, voice, and story choice/factual  issues for me in this piece.  I often had to go back over sentences to  sort out what they were trying to say.  "Some bushes and then another  wood getting close," for example, was simply too vague for me to feel  like I understood the action.  

Without any context I have to wonder why boys would be allowed out in  bear country with just air rifles.  Even boys of this age (assuming from  the story they are at all familiar with the woods and tracking) should  be able to tell a bobcat track from a grizzly's, the latter is several  times the size of the former and entirely differently shaped.  

"Fingering" tracks is something you see in the movies but isn't done in  real life.  You might move a leaf or something obscuring animal sign but  if you touch the sign you change it and you lose information.  This  might make sense with the confusion of the tracks if the MC wasn't  really familiar with the woods but without context the reader makes  assumptions and no context was given.  I think the whole tracking  sequence could/should have been massively reduced and more context  building done.  


*A Matter of Substance
SpAG: 4.5
Tav: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 17.5
*

SpAG: A couple small awkward commas, in my opinion, but nothing worth calling out.  

TaV: Consistent and appropriate for the scene.  

Effect: This story is really just a conversation but there is a tonne in  here yet it's all handled very subtly and well: soldiers in a trench in  WWI missing hearth and home, rationing the last bits of food, the  horrors of war, and much more.  Really, really well done.  

                                                         ‘Gravy with that?’
Tom looks at his friend, shocked. ‘Of course, we’re from Yorkshire.’                      


Love that bit.  

The changing meaning (from the reader's perspective) of wishing for snow  was very effective and completely reframes the entire conversation and  scene.  Skillfully done.  

I tend to be a minimalist and I enjoy stories like this that seem to be  giving you very little but have a lot of depth and substance behind  them.  Enjoyed this quite a bit.  


*Snow Angel
SpAG: 4
Tav: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13
*

SpAG: I had to read a couple times to get what you it seems you were  doing.  Some awkward phrasings that in re-reading I can see might be  trying to portray he mental scattering that happens with hypothermia.  

TaV: Overall consistent.  There were some challenging phrases for me  such as footprints getting "stronger" that made me stop and furrow my  brows.  

Effect: This is good in that I think there is a fairly accurate  description of what happens in the woods when you become hypothermic,  the loss of senses and coherent thought and eventually sleepiness.  A  sense of being too warm and stripping off of clothes often happens as  well, which would have had a nicely dramatic effect.  There is also the  often-tragic mistake of following a set of tracks of indeterminate  origin...if you don't know where they are coming from or going to it's a  crap shoot.  

Despite some authenticity in that regard, the overall effect didn't  resonate all that much with me.  The appearance of what is clearly  supposed to be Death seemed almost superfluous. 

"he said in voice as distant as the first memories of man and yet it was  as if he spoke straight to my mind."  This felt remarkably discerning  for someone who has lost enough body heat to have it impact their  cognition.  I'd rather have not had the flowery description and had the  conversation feel more mundane to the MC.  


* Footprints in the Snow 
SpAG: 3.5
Tav: 3.5
Effect: 6
Total: 13
*

SpAG: No major call outs here, some periods that likely should have been  commas and vice versa.  Some phrasings that took me out of the story.  

TaV: Consistent, though a touch bland in places.  

Effect:  This concept might have been better in a longer format.   Betty's need to see out the window provides the beginning and ending  theme, well done on creating that framework, but the middle seemed  entirely disjointed from that so that Betty becomes an afterthought.   The final bit where she looks out the window didn't feel connected to  much of the rest of the story.  There were a lot of potential side/sub  plots (death, compassion, experience vs inexperience and the  student/mentor relationship) in this that added up to a piece that never  fully coalesced because there was a tremendous amount of 'stuff.'  

"Yet, the Filipino nurse scribbled rapidly in her notepad. Penn replied without looking up."
The description of the nurse's ethnicity was notable in that it provided  nothing to the context or story.  Then the next sentence introduces her  name but in a way that seems at first like she's another person.  

I did like that the nurse seemed uncaring toward Betty at first but her  motivations are made clear later turning her from seemingly  unsympathetic to sympathetic. 


*Left Behind
SpAG: 2
TaV: 2
Effect: 5
Total: 9
*

SpAG: Some big ones, missing words and sentence fragments.  The first  and second paragraphs jump in time and place references a lot.  Rather  jumbly and confusing from the reader's pov.  

"Nobody knew she said, and her smile, glances and touches that evening  proved it."  Nobody knew she said what?  Needs quotes or a comma or  something to set 'nobody knew/knows' apart from the rest of the  sentence.  

"in their absent."  Absence.  

"and I more relieved than afraid."  I am.  

TaV: Very expositional.  I felt like I was being read a police report.  A  lot of unnecessary effort and words were used in setting up sequence or  timing.  

Effect: Mostly because of the phrasing and over-explaining this piece  didn't have a lot of punch.  I also have to call out the rather clichéd  plot line, saw it coming from a couple klicks away.  

Probably the whole paragraph and mention of the funeral could be cut.    Ending was a bit melodramatic.  The shift from the POV character  recounting something he seems to regret into a supernatural story did  not work; it was too quick and felt unconnected to the rest of the  story.  


*Ascending
SpAG: 3
TaV: 2.5
Effect: 5
Total: 10.5
*

SpAG:  Some awkward, missing, or unnecessary commas.  Lots of extra  words to describe or tell things that were not integral to the story.  

"I can hear Colin’s raspy breaths behind me as he exerts himself" Extra  words here.  His exertion is clearly shown by his raspy breathing in the  final push to the summit.  This would have been a great sentence  without the explanation.  

"fat tracked" needs a hyphen.  

"My voice is quiet and unsure."  Your voice can sound unsure, but it can't _be_ unsure.  

TaV: Shifts back and forth between wistful reminiscing, to melancholy, to immediately in the moment.  Not very consistent.  

Effect:  "High on this beautiful mountain, our lives have been  irrevocably changed."  This totally took me out of the story.  Before  and after this sentence the story is in the moment of discovery but this  stops, looks out to a much wider context, but then comes right back to  the moment in the next sentence.  

There is a jumble of voices, tones, and perspectives in this.  I did  like the overall idea, it was a good take on the prompt, and I'd love to  see this rewritten with a lot more SHOW and a lot less TELL with a more  consistent voice.





*Something's Ishy
SpAG: 1
TaV: 1
Effect: 1
Total: 3
*

SpAG: The two jumbled "paragraphs" of quotes were effectively unreadable.  I could not decipher them.  

TaV: Voice was consistent but extremely off-putting.  

Effect.  Things like "penises side by side" and "my penis flopped in the  wind, but at least I’d remembered my hat" felt utterly gratuitous, like  they were fishing for a very cheap laugh or going for pure shock value.  

Though the first line was disconcerting I was hopeful through the first  paragraph because I thought there might be a small tie-in or reference  to Moby Dick and Ishmael's role as narrator. "‘Ishmael’ might not even  be his real name" seemed to relate to the first line of the famous book.   However, this was unfortunately not the case.  

I found very little in this that was in any way literary or substantive.   There was a flippant and obnoxious feel to the entire piece that  completely turned me off as a reader.
[/spoiler2]

So the totals are:



*Author/title*FatclubMegan PearsonveloTotalSueC "Forgiveness"1015.511.512.333Fatclub "Be Careful What You Wish For"  -13.5710.25Arachne "A Matter of Substance"819.517.515Epimetheus "Snow Angel"1217.51314.166Megan Pearson "Footprints in the Snow"9-1311Kebe "Left Behind"717.5911.166Roac "Ascending"1513.510.513Ibb "Something's Ishy"3734.333

Which means that 
*Arachne*

takes it with 

_*"A Matter Of Substance"*_​


followed by
_*"Snow Angel"*_

by 

*Epimetheus*​


Closing out the three, we have
_*"Ascending"*_

Brought to us by

*Roac*​
Well done to you all and thank you for getting into the spirit of this comp. Thanks also to the judges. To those of you who didn't get the scores you wanted, don't despair. Personally I thought the lower scoring one was one of my favourites, with a cracking voice, totally irreverent, wild and crazy, yet smart and creative and very original. Every reader is different, every reaction is different, so keep on at it with your ideas and stories. Thanks once again! 



*
*_PS: you may note that one judge's score is missing. Sadly these were not submitted so I had to go with what I had. Still, 3 out of 4 is not bad. 
PPS: all stories came in < 650 when I counted so no DQs
_


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## epimetheus (Mar 4, 2019)

Congrats Arachne. Seems i'm becoming a second place specialist. Tried something different for the beginning, didn't quite work. Thanks to the judges, plenty of good advice to try to incorporate into the next entry, and thanks to the organisers.


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## Kebe (Mar 4, 2019)

Congratulations Arachne! Also, a big thank you to the judges for their work and invaluable feedback.


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## Arachne (Mar 4, 2019)

Well done everyone and thanks judges for the lovely, and very helpful, comments. Thanks also for your hard work, and, as always, thanks to the wonderful bd for being... wonderful. 

epimethius, I thought your story was great. It had a horrible, but casual and eerie feel to it, which I hope you were going for. I thought you would win with it. 

Sue, I thought your description of the baby rabbit as a nugget was genius, and it has really stayed with me. It shows how every single word used can make a difference. It was a very serene story, too, managing to actually encompass the _feeling _of snow. 

Arachne


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## velo (Mar 4, 2019)

A note on word count, MS Word is the default word count "authority."  Word does count hyphenated words as one so if you use a different programme you may get a different count.


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## Fatclub (Mar 4, 2019)

velo said:


> A note on word count, MS Word is the default word count "authority."  Word does count hyphenated words as one so if you use a different programme you may get a different count.


First of all congrats to Arachne. Not sure why I was so off kilter with the other judges, but well done. I knew mine was so-so but at least I wasn't last (close though). btw, nothing wrong with being last.

Velo, I wordcount myself with my eyes and mind because my MS Word is too often incorrect. It'll get individual sentences right but not the whole. My version of MS Word doesn't count two hyphenated words as one but I know some versions do, hence my comments. 
Anyway, I wasn't aware of this "authority" rule but I'll know for next time.


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## SueC (Mar 4, 2019)

Congratulations to the awesome Arachne, epimetheus and Roac! You guys rock! I'm so impressed with the work here, and thanks to the judges, as always, for taking the time to give us what we need to succeed - next time! LOL.


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## Roac (Mar 4, 2019)

Congrats Arachne! Very well done! 

And thanks to the judges for volunteering their time and for the fantastic comments!


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## velo (Mar 4, 2019)

Fatclub, 

I can't seem to find it now but I definitely recall reading in the guide that word count was determined by MS Word.  Wondering if this has been changed?  My apologies if so


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## wagtail (Mar 4, 2019)

Congrats to everyone--it's a win to write a story to the prompt and wordcount and deadline, and then to submit it. I enjoyed reading them all. Well done to Arachne, whose story I particularly liked.

ETA--meant to add I'm very impressed with the care and depth of comment given by the judges. Awesome work.


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## Arachne (Mar 5, 2019)

velo said:


> Fatclub,
> 
> I can't seem to find it now but I definitely recall reading in the guide that word count was determined by MS Word.  Wondering if this has been changed?  My apologies if so



This is from bd's opening of the monthly challenges - 

*The word limit is 650 words not including the title.* If you go over - Your story will not be counted. Microsoft Word is the standard for checking this. If you are unsure of the word count and don't have Word, please send your story to me and I'll check it for you.

I have also read somewhere on the forum that standard hyphenated words will be accepted as one but over-use of them, or obvious miss-use, will not be allowed. No idea where I read this. 

Arachne


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## Fatclub (Mar 5, 2019)

Arachne said:


> This is from bd's opening of the monthly challenges -
> 
> *The word limit is 650 words not including the title.* If you go over - Your story will not be counted. Microsoft Word is the standard for checking this. If you are unsure of the word count and don't have Word, please send your story to me and I'll check it for you.
> 
> ...


As I said, I'll know for next time. I hope we're not using Word's spellchecker too!
Seriously, I'm good with numbers so it's easy to count manually.


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## bdcharles (Mar 5, 2019)

Fatclub said:


> As I said, I'll know for next time. I hope we're not using Word's spellchecker too!
> Seriously, I'm good with numbers so it's easy to count manually.



Nope - SPaG is the job of the judges.


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## velo (Mar 5, 2019)

Arachne said:


> This is from bd's opening of the monthly challenges -
> 
> *The word limit is 650 words not including the title.* If you go over - Your story will not be counted. Microsoft Word is the standard for checking this. If you are unsure of the word count and don't have Word, please send your story to me and I'll check it for you.
> 
> ...




Thanks, I've been missing a lot of things in text lately as my brain learns how to deal with my new eyes.  Had my second cataract surgery in January and my visual processing is still dealing with the challenges of re-learning how to process.  Neuroplasticity is an amazing but sometimes frustratingly slow thing.  

Also, I'm officially a cyborg.


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## Periander (Mar 5, 2019)

Congrats, Arachne!  I loved the irony of eating chocolate when death is lurking just around the corner.  The dialogue really worked well and the footprints leading into no-man's-land gave me the chills.  Great work, everyone!


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## Ibb (Mar 6, 2019)

Thank you once again to the judges, to bdcharles for managing this entire operation, and congratulations to the contestants! I have a personal rule of moving on without too much fuss either from good or poor responses to my writing; but, given it seems the more intestinal negative reactions to 'Something's Ishy,' I feel compelled, hot quick, to clear the air and state that I, Ibb, am not my characters. 'Something's Ishy,' came from two ideas: one, stealing Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia and turning his dial up to 10 as a protagonist; and two, taking Moby-Dick's famous hero and playing up the idea posed by many critics that, owing to his ability to be in numerous places throughout the novel that shouldn't even be accessible to him, he himself might be more than human.

The repeated line of 'I'm the hottest shit I know,' was planned to lead to the protgaonist's comeuppance, wherein he meets Ishamel's 'demon,' is beguiled with promises of being 'the hottest shit of all time,' and promptly granted his wish by being sent to hell. Problem with that: I was completely off on the deadlines for this LM and the Grand Fiction, and rather than following my original schedule, I discovered I had incomplete stories with about an hour left before each deadline to headbutt my keyboard and throw something out. I know I have it in me to write the story I wanted; but, caught by surprise, I panicked, and kept failing to compact the desired elements into 650 words while the clock ticked beside me. The mature decision would have been to accept my mistake and simply not enter. Alas, we're all writers. Being stubborn's in the blood. 

I've learned my lesson. If I find myself in a similar situation in the future, I'll just scrape the idea. I genuinely apologize for the final nonsensical scenes. They were crass for no other reason than I was frustrated and still felt the need to compete. And once again, I, Ibb, am not my heroes. I give my girlfriend of seven years a big smooch every morning before work. I say hello and good day. I even occasionally help old ladies cross the street and, overwhelmed by my conscience, pickpocket only 5 dollars instead of my usual 10. Thank you again for the feedback and I look forward to the next LM.


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## velo (Mar 6, 2019)

I can only speak for myself but I never thought this was about you (once your identity was revealed) or reflective of your day to day life.  Now that you mention It's Always Sunny I can totally see the similarities but I think with a piece like this there would have to be more context.  Perhaps a longer piece with more time to establish the character's sense of self and motivations and utter lack of basic social skills?  

I'll admit I had a fairly visceral reaction to the piece but I appreciate your comments about your motivations and the characterisations.


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