# Which "social skills" come across as phony to you?



## Bluesman (Oct 14, 2011)

Has anyone ever been polite to you but not meant it? 

Are people phony in the attitudes towards you ?

What social skills are phony in everyday life ?


"We really must do dinner sometime" !! They say as they are walking away and not looking back !! Yeah right lol Why bother to say it if you don,t mean it? Is it just being polite or being sarcastic or are they just full is bull ?


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## Nacian (Oct 14, 2011)

welcome to the real world Bluesman haha...lots of people do as if to fill a gap, something to say I reckon ...are you sure they did not  mean it?
and why have them around if they don't care about their phony promises?


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender.  I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis.  At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty.  Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date.  (2nd Tuesday of each month)  I was totally put off by it.  I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on.  How embarrassing on his part.


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## Nacian (Oct 14, 2011)

MaggieMoo that is shocking read..I am totally taken aback:???:
did you say something to him about it?
I am glad you cut him short...it is so strange!!


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.


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## The Backward OX (Oct 14, 2011)

MaggieMoo said:


> 3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender. I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis. At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty. Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date. (2nd Tuesday of each month) I was totally put off by it. I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on. How embarrassing on his part.





Nacian said:


> MaggieMoo that is shocking read..I am totally taken aback:???:
> did you say something to him about it?
> I am glad you cut him short...it is so strange!!





MaggieMoo said:


> No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.



Seems pretty obvious the guy was a high-functioning autistic.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

The Backward OX said:


> Seems pretty obvious the guy was a high-functioning autistic.



To be honest, I am not really sure if he is or not.  It was totally weird though.  I have never come across such behaviour from anyone.


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## Nacian (Oct 14, 2011)

MaggieMoo said:


> No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.


he does sound like someone in need of big cheering up ..I would say he sounds a bit sad.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

Nacian said:


> he does sound like someone in need of big cheering up ..I would say he sounds a bit sad.



Or some serious counseling.  I do admit to feeling sorry for him.  Sad.


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## ProcrastinationStation (Oct 14, 2011)

I find it annoys me when people ask how are you, then ignore the answer, regardless of what it is, why ask if you don't want to know?

Also, I found that it takes people aback when I enquire the same and a lot of the time this happens
"how are you?" 
"grand, how are you?
"I'm fine, how are you?"

....wait what? I just answered that?

I usually answer again and continue the conversation rather than point it out. 
Same with shops, if the person asks how I am, I always ask them too, they seem suprised a lot of the time. I would class it as general politeness, if someone enquires after your health/general well being you should do the same, even if you tell them you're fine when you're not because you don't know the person. 

I am generally polite person though, manners are free and all that.


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## Intel (Oct 14, 2011)

When you meet an old friend/acquaintance and they insist on exchanging numbers and say "stay in touch" but never phone you. I always think 'what's the point'?


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## elite (Oct 14, 2011)

Talking about the weather, because 9 out of 10 times you want to talk about something else. It's a necessary evil, I guess; it's the best way to start a conversation with a stranger.


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## Bloggsworth (Oct 14, 2011)

MaggieMoo said:


> 3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender.  I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis.  At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty.  Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date.  (2nd Tuesday of each month)  I was totally put off by it.  I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on.  How embarrassing on his part.



I would have walked up to him first thing and said "It's the first Tuesday, do you want to get the monthly chat over early?" and seen what transpired.


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## Steerpike (Oct 14, 2011)

Having worked with management, my experience has been that most of the sort of inept things you see like the boss calendaring times to talk with employees are the result of good intentions, but an inability to relate socially in the workplace. I've seen bosses screw up a lot of what would seem to many to be fairly simple interactions because they are too rigid, stilted, or simply trying to hard. A guy I worked with ran a production facility, and he started it with a very small number of people in a old metal warehouse on his property. The guy interacted with his employees on a one-on-one basis every day. They're making millions now and the facility is simply too big for him to do that, but for the longest time he felt pressure (imposed by himself) to do exactly that, and to have that one-on-one relationship with every employee. As you might imagine, it was a disaster and it actually made him look less sincere than he was (because he was sincere enough about it that he forced himself through the motions when there was no reasonable way to do it). Employees saw that it was forced and it had the opposite effect that he wanted. It really bothered the guy, but he eventually had to realize he couldn't have that relationship any more and just go back to doing his job and being a real, and accessible person when he did have interactions with his employees. That has done wonders for him.

I don't know the particular boss mentioned above, but you can't assume the guy is an asshat or anything. I don't know too many who take the time to go chat with their employees, at least not in larger organizations, and the fact that he calendared it and did it might say something nice about the guy. Or it might not, if your a more cynical type (which I tend to be).


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## Scarlett_156 (Oct 14, 2011)

So.... I'm thinking of another question here, and that's why a person would take the time and trouble to wonder whether others were being sincere when they ask how he's doing, invite him to dinner, etc....?  What is the alternative to all this offensive "phoniness"...? 

Under what circumstances may another person's sincerity be taken for granted?  Is the sincerity of virtual strangers or casual acquaintances something we need to go around worrying about?  (Of course, accusing others of "phoniness" means that I'M SINCERE.... or does it?)

And, most importantly I suppose:  If "complete honesty" is such a desirable quantity, why are brutally honest people shunned by the main of human society?  (That includes people all around the world, not just us hoity-toity civilized folks who sit chatting on the internet when we should be out in the fields busting our butts; in fact, I've observed that the residents of a small rural community are more mendacious and cruel--"phony," if you will--than urbanites, who are forced to associate with others and therefore have more of an incentive to acquire social skills.)

If I worked in an office (which I don't; I've worked mostly in a home-based business since the late 1980s) and my boss scheduled times to come around to my desk and ask me what was up, I can say (with my usual brutal honesty) that I would be most glad.  So what if it seems like the boss doesn't really care about me?  It's not the boss's job to care about me; that's what my friends and my pets are for.  At least he's keeping a connection open between me and him.  

If some stranger at the bus stop asks you how you're doing, that may be "phony" but at least it's a signal that he's not standing there thinking about stabbing you and taking your wallet.  When I walk into a convenience store in the wee hours of the morning to buy a deck of cards and some cigars, ESPECIALLY if there's nobody else in the store, I always smile at the clerk at the counter and say "hello!" in a cheery voice--condemn me for being phony if you will, but each time I do this, I notice the clerk relaxing, smiling back, saying "hello" back to me--in spite of my rude appearance and our isolated, scary circumstances, we are reaching across the gulf of blank uncaringness toward each other in agreement that all I'm here for is some smokes, and I'm not going to rob the store or try to steal stuff, or have some kind of fit that will require the clerk to call the police.  (My greeting is only "phony" if I subsequently do something really screwed up.)

If you are going to take something away--in this case the phoniness of social interaction at school, work, and in public--always remember that you must replace it with something.  If little pleasantries are "phony" then what is the alternative?  If someone is phony because he asks you how you're doing and you suspect he doesn't care, how do you correct that?  

To my mind, the alternative to polite social interaction is vitriol:  "Your hair looks like a bird's nest this morning" - "When you come into my office and ask how I'm doing, I want to punch you" - "I see you wrinkling your nose.  So what if you don't like my perfume?! SOD OFF!!!" - "OH, THE TWO OLD LADIES ARE TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS!!! HOW FAKE!! STFU, GRANDMA!!!" (and so on)

Think of the alternative, and then (of course) think of the consequences.  

I dunno about you, but I make an effort to love humanity and see the good in humanity; to my mind, that's my own personal karmic task that I'm very serious about.  I don't look at others indifferently; I try to view them from a perspective of wanting to know them, to hear their stories.  That doesn't mean I want to be friends with everyone; quite the contrary.  There are many people to whom your only expression of love and understanding is going to be leaving them the hell alone and making sure they don't ever notice you, and you can usually tell who they are because they are the ones who, instead of saying, "Hey there, what's up?" in a cheery tone, give you a stare of malice or reply in a sneer. 

Saying "hey there" to people you don't know very well or care about much keeps the love and understanding moving along.  You're saying, "I don't know you very well, but you're my fellow human being and I love you and wish you well."

The alternative is despite, contempt, hatred. 

I'm not trying to upset or anger you by saying these things.  An honest question deserves an honest answer, right?


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## Gamer_2k4 (Oct 14, 2011)

I think my biggest pet peeve is when people try to hide information from others, ostensibly for the sake of being "polite."  For one example, I was playing an RPG with some of my friends and got into an (in-character) argument with another player.  Voices were raised (again, in-character).  Later on, I found out from someone else that one of the players actually felt uncomfortable around people who were shouting.  However, she would have been content to just tell someone else, "I don't like it when he raises his voice," instead of, you know, telling the person who could have actually done something about it (me).  Why?

Or, for another example, my roommate and I used to have a mutual friend.  The two of them had a falling out, but I'm still friends with both of them.  So, sometimes it'll come up where I'll tell my roommate, "Hey, are you going to be around this weekend? If not, I'll invite Alex over to hang out."  Some people (a LOT of people, it seems) wouldn't have said that second sentence.  But why the heck not? My roommate knows we're still friends.  It shouldn't come as a surprise to him that we hang out.  Why not just come out and say it?

For a third example, I play football with a bunch of friends on Sundays.  When I was first trying to get people together, I contacted everyone.  Most said they'd like to play, and did play.  However, one person acted all enthusiastic, then for three weeks straight had a different excuse.  "Oh, I'm too tired.  Oh, I made other plans.  Oh, I need to wax my parrot."  Look.  If you don't want to play, TELL ME you don't want to play.  I'll stop including you in the texts each week.  It's really not a big deal.  But don't act like you're really interested when you're not, just for the sake of being polite.  It's annoying, deceptive, and counter-productive.

Yes, I admit it.  I'm a blunt guy.  I understand what tact is, and I'm very capable of using it when the situation calls for it.  But more often than not, THE SITUATION DOESN'T CALL FOR IT.  Just say what you mean.  It'll make things a heck of a lot easier for everyone.


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## Bluesman (Oct 14, 2011)

Nacian said:


> welcome to the real world Bluesman haha...lots of people do as if to fill a gap, something to say I reckon ...are you sure they did not  mean it?
> and why have them around if they don't care about their phony promises?



It was just one of those things, this person wasn't a close friend so it didn't matter it was just funny or phony should i say  hahahaa  

As for MM i,m with OX that guy was as close to a definition of Autisim as i'v herd.



A mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by great  difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people  and in using language and abstract concepts

Sounds about right to me in the case of this por chap.


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## Bluesman (Oct 14, 2011)

Scarlett_156 said:


> So.... I'm thinking of another question here, and that's why a person would take the time and trouble to wonder whether others were being sincere when they ask how he's doing, invite him to dinner, etc....?  What is the alternative to all this offensive "phoniness"...?
> 
> Under what circumstances may another person's sincerity be taken for granted?  Is the sincerity of virtual strangers or casual acquaintances something we need to go around worrying about?  (Of course, accusing others of "phoniness" means that I'M SINCERE.... or does it?)
> 
> ...



Scarlett your posts are always honest and complete and never cease to inform and amaze me, i sometimes do not fully grasp what you are saying but thats just my lack of intelect !!! lol You always give you best on these posts and i would never ever say you were phony or dishonest, quite the opposite your honesty sometimes make me cringe alittle. You say things i dare not and it's very refreshing if not alittle scary. Speaking of which your profile picture scares the living poop out of me LOL . Anyway thanks for you post here and please keep them coming


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

Bloggsworth said:


> I would have walked up to him first thing and said "It's the first Tuesday, do you want to get the monthly chat over early?" and seen what transpired.



So funny Bloggsworth, I should have done so, but I guess I was a tad offended by it. Though I often wonder who the weird person really was in this scenario; him for using the calendar system, or me for working out that he used the calendar at all. Hmmm. Ha ha.



Steerpike said:


> Having worked with management, my experience has been that most of the sort of inept things you see like the boss calendaring times to talk with employees are the result of good intentions, but an inability to relate socially in the workplace. I've seen bosses screw up a lot of what would seem to many to be fairly simple interactions because they are too rigid, stilted, or simply trying to hard. A guy I worked with ran a production facility, and he started it with a very small number of people in a old metal warehouse on his property. The guy interacted with his employees on a one-on-one basis every day. They're making millions now and the facility is simply too big for him to do that, but for the longest time he felt pressure (imposed by himself) to do exactly that, and to have that one-on-one relationship with every employee. As you might imagine, it was a disaster and it actually made him look less sincere than he was (because he was sincere enough about it that he forced himself through the motions when there was no reasonable way to do it). Employees saw that it was forced and it had the opposite effect that he wanted. It really bothered the guy, but he eventually had to realize he couldn't have that relationship any more and just go back to doing his job and being a real, and accessible person when he did have interactions with his employees. That has done wonders for him.
> 
> I don't know the particular boss mentioned above, but you can't assume the guy is an asshat or anything. I don't know too many who take the time to go chat with their employees, at least not in larger organizations, and the fact that he calendared it and did it might say something nice about the guy. Or it might not, if your a more cynical type (which I tend to be).



Steepike, I hadn't looked at it, in his point of view. Maybe you are right about the big organisation bit. It's possible he meant well and wanted to keep up with his staff in the past but couldn't do so and found out that he missed out on the little people. (Namely me) Maybe in is defence. (Not that I am defending the calendar system at any rate) Maybe that is the only way how he could get that chance to keep up with all of his staff. Maybe he did mean well. But I have to admit I was totally put off by the system.





Bluesman said:


> It was just one of those things, this person wasn't a close friend so it didn't matter it was just funny or phony should i say hahahaa
> 
> As for MM i,m with OX that guy was as close to a definition of Autisim as i'v herd.
> 
> ...



Well Bluesman, one never knows with people like that, either there is an underlying condition such as Autism or he wanted to play Superman and was just trying to keep up with all his staff.  Odd just the same.


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## Tiamat (Oct 14, 2011)

I find it amusing when people use "how are you?" or "how ya doing?" as a greeting.  They're walking past you when they ask the question and they expect no answer.  When someone does that to me on a bad day, I make it a point to stop them and tell them as much boring info about my day as I can.  Don't ask the question if you don't really expect an answer, right?

And lately I find I have a recurring argument with a friend of mine who lives in Kentucky.  Every time we manage to sneak in a phone call, no matter who calls who, I get the same, "You know, you could call me a little more often.  My phone does work."  While true, she could call me a little more often too.  So why say that when you're not calling very often because you don't feel like talking to me either?


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 14, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> ...And lately I find I have a recurring argument with a friend of mine who lives in Kentucky. Every time we manage to sneak in a phone call, no matter who calls who, I get the same, "You know, you could call me a little more often. My phone does work." While true, she could call me a little more often too. So why say that when you're not calling very often because you don't feel like talking to me either?



Ooh, I just hate that.  I had an argument with a friend about a year ago on the same subject.  Sadly she no longer rings because of it.  I would be the one who always called and instigate the conversation.  She never rang, nor did she ever care about what I had to say.  She always cut me short and was very selfish.  She wanted me to drop at her beck and call anytime.  Sad really.


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## Bluesman (Oct 14, 2011)

It's funny but i do wonder how much we misinterpret or misunderstand, this goes against the grain a little here but the thought did spring to mind when i read some these post. 

                 I deal with people all day every day face to face and on a senitive subject ( money ) and many times even now my first impressions are wrong. People sometimes come across nasty and are a little impertinent and my first idea is to stitch these folk up. But then every now and again a little voice inside me says hold on and listen longer. More times than i can remember i have found myself feeling i have been wrong in my first impression and feeling, then find myself understanding their attitude ? It,s fear and a defence mechanism against people like myself who are trying to get them to part with their hard earned cash.

We all feel fear for many different reasons but whatever the reason the reaction is the same, it's that fight or flight feeling and it causes a knock on effect to the one who is infront of us? I think we all have our view point sometimes it's right sometimes it's wrong.


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## Mick Carranza (Oct 15, 2011)

What about active listening? I'm an Army Behavioral Health Specialist. Active listening is a huge part of counseling, but when I use it with my girlfriend (i.e. saying "okay" or "yes" frequently, or paraphrasing her ideas back to her to make sure we're on the same page) she HATES it! She says it sounds like I'm trying too hard to be polite and it's not how normal people talk. 

Also, when people say "Thanks" or "Thank You" before you respond or agree to anything. "Hey can you get me a glass of water, please? Thanks." Grrr that grinds my gears.


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## Jaé D. (Oct 15, 2011)

I agree with Scarlett above.  If I told some people what they really needed to hear, I would be a very disliked person.
An example:
One of my neighbors annoys me because their trash (that they leave out loosely - beer cans, food boxes, paper plates) blows onto my side and stays there.  They and I will go for weeks without picking it up.  (The good old battle of wills, at least from my standpoint).  Eventually, I tend to pick up the trash because I don't know if the other surrounding neighbors realize it's not my trash.

When I saw the lady recently (her annoying little dog came running and barking at me on my way to open my gate), she seemed annoyed that she had to come get the dog.   When she got close to me,  I really wanted to say - yeah, get that stupid rat out of my way, I'm late for work, and make sure to keep him tied up in the future!  And while I have you,  I've been meaning to tell you I'm sick and tired of picking up your trash scattered all over the place.  You see it everyday as clear as I do.  Next time you act like you don't see it, I'll help you see it taped to your windshield!

No, instead I just smiled and said, "Hi, how are you this morning."  That was the neighborly thing to say.  I smiled at her dog like it was cute.
Do you know she didn't give me the response you would expect.  I don't remember the details (because I tuned her out), but something along the lines of "not very good at all."

Anyway, sometimes it's best to just smile, say something nice, and be on your way.


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## Bluesman (Oct 15, 2011)

Agree with you Jae' it's not worth the trouble, then again it would be nice to give them your thoughts. The thing is they probably don't see it like you do. They may well live in a very untidy house and don't see their rubbish as a problem!! But i agree it's very frustrating for you.


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## Jaé D. (Oct 15, 2011)

Bluesman said:


> Agree with you Jae' it's not worth the trouble, then again it would be nice to give them your thoughts. The thing is they probably don't see it like you do. . .



My thoughts can't be expressed in any acceptable way.  How do you nicely ask someone to pick up their trash from your yard?  Once or twice or even three times I don't mind picking it up myself.  But it happens all the time.  Usually whenever there is a very windy day.  One thing I learned about neighbors (probably including myself) they don't like it if you ask them to stop doing something.  No matter how nicely you say it, they resent it to some degree.   It could be noise, their pets, their trash, their visitors, their parking habits, no matter what, there's no nice way to complain. 

 I think neighbors are important people in your life that you don't want to form enemies with.  One thing is we look out for each other.  Once her sons helped me move a heavy box the Fed Ex people left at a neighbor's address (an old lady).   So, I certainly didn't want to say anything mean to her now.


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## Bluesman (Oct 16, 2011)

It's hard when people let you down and don't seem to know they doing it !! But there does seem to a positive in there aswell so maybe it's a thing your just going to have to put up with, a bit like living with someone you have to give and take.


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## The Backward OX (Oct 16, 2011)

All you guys could perhaps learn to behave differently, instead of getting hot under the collar about other people’s levels of sociability.

Become a loner.

Nobody bothers loners.


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## candid petunia (Oct 16, 2011)

The Backward OX said:


> Nobody bothers loners.


Sure, sure. :anonymous:


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 16, 2011)

The Backward OX said:


> All you guys could perhaps learn to behave differently, instead of getting hot under the collar about other people’s levels of sociability.
> 
> Become a loner.
> 
> Nobody bothers loners.



Unfortunately that is not true either... Loners are very sensitive people...


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## Winston (Oct 16, 2011)

MaggieMoo said:


> Unfortunately that is not true either... Loners are very sensitive people...



Is brooding, deep in thought and reflective considered "sensitive"?  Not wanting to socialize because experience has proven 98% of social interaction is meaningless tripe? 
I'm guilty.  But not sensitive.

Anyway, people that use your name.  Repeatedly.  Especially when they don't know you (as in the service industry).
"So, Jack, I'll have the appetizer plate.  Thanks a lot, Jack."
Pedantic and vapid.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 16, 2011)

Winston said:


> Is brooding, deep in thought and reflective considered "sensitive"? Not wanting to socialize because experience has proven 98% of social interaction is meaningless tripe?
> I'm guilty. But not sensitive.


 I'm sorry, I should have worded that better... I was referring to myself. I was very big in the social scene, quite a few years back but fake/phony people had me curled up like a centepede. I brood deep in thought. It made me very sensitive and alone. I don't go out unless I have too.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Oct 16, 2011)

With girls, I can tell when they're being fake. Phony smiles and laughs are really easy to spot. If someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, I respect them a lot more if they're honest about it instead of acting like they're my best friend (which, for me, has happened in most cases).

With both girls and guys, I can tell if they're faking interest in a conversation: "Oh really? Hey, that's cool! Oh, awesome!" Lol, this doesn't really come across as phony to me though. They're just trying to be polite.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Oct 16, 2011)

> I'm sorry, I should have worded that better... I was referring to myself. I was very big in the social scene, quite a few years back but fake/phony people had me curled up like a centepede. I brood deep in thought. It made me very sensitive and alone. I don't go out unless I have too.


Hey Maggie, you shouldn't let phony people shut you in on yourself. I used to be like that too, and then I realized that people who are honest and genuine are valued much more than the phonies (I also like to refer to them as the zombies). I guess I kind of have a "Screw you" attitude now towards all the zombies and I try to express myself when given the opportunity, and it doesn't matter if people think I'm "sensitive"  - which is subjective, IMO. 

You gotta be you, Maggie Moo.  Don't let the zombies eat you alive.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 17, 2011)

Dreamworx95 said:


> Hey Maggie, you shouldn't let phony people shut you in on yourself. I used to be like that too, and then I realized that people who are honest and genuine are valued much more than the phonies (I also like to refer to them as the zombies). I guess I kind of have a "Screw you" attitude now towards all the zombies and I try to express myself when given the opportunity, and it doesn't matter if people think I'm "sensitive" - which is subjective, IMO.
> 
> You gotta be you, Maggie Moo.  Don't let the zombies eat you alive.



A lot of damage done.  Have to repair first.  
Thanks for the vote of confidence.


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## Gamer_2k4 (Oct 17, 2011)

Dreamworx95 said:


> With both girls and guys, I can tell if they're faking interest in a conversation



Only if they're bad at it.

Admittedly, most people are significantly worse at this than they think they are...


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## Nacian (Oct 17, 2011)

why should anyone fake a conversation is beyond me. I could not do it ..I think I usually just lose interest and leave rather then impose such a task on myself.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 17, 2011)

Nacian said:


> why should anyone fake a conversation is beyond me. I could not do it ..I think I usually just lose interest and leave rather then impose such a task on myself.


Me too..


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## Bluesman (Oct 17, 2011)

I work in the service industry and we are told by our all knowing boss's to use the customer's name as soon as we get to know it. the idea is to bond with the customer as fast as possible and make friends, for it's false and refuse to do it untill the transaction is finished then at the end of the sale i shake hands and thank them using their name. As far as i understand it, it's an American thing used to make customers feel welcome and valued but it can and does come across as very phony. Unless of course used by my good self when it comes across as very natural and heart felt !!!


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 17, 2011)

Bluesman said:


> I work in the service industry and we are told by our all knowing boss's to use the customer's name as soon as we get to know it. the idea is to bond with the customer as fast as possible and make friends, for it's false and refuse to do it untill the transaction is finished then at the end of the sale i shake hands and thank them using their name. As far as i understand it, it's an American thing used to make customers feel welcome and valued but it can and does come across as very phony. Unless of course used by my good self when it comes across as very natural and heart felt !!!



Before I got into other areas of the workforce I was a receptionist.  I remember being taken out of the accounts department to just do the job, because the boss told me, that my "smile" and "welcoming" clients were too real to be fake.


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## Nacian (Oct 17, 2011)

I have to disagree with your company as I find people I do not know using my names quite offensive and bad mannered.
I once had a phone call from a company asking to speak to 'Jamie' to which I replied who/which Jamie and who are you?
the person on the line replied this is confidential and therefore I will need to speak him personally.
I got so angry because my partner's name is Jamie so I said if you are going to ask for someone using their frist name then I am going to get annoyed/pissed off because it comes across as intrusive and lacks professionalism almost bad mannered.
the point I am making is there billions of Jamies and so how do I know which is which and frankly using names that way is offensive.
it is something that friends and famili use and not something others outsider should be using to speak to their colleagues/customers..etc..
so this is what Icall phony offensive poor social skills..
P.S not getting at Bluesman and sorry if I come across as if I had:sneakiness:


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## Bluesman (Oct 17, 2011)

I could go on about this subject all day, boss's are paraniod and do not trust staff to deal with people in a decent way. Thus you get this silly a, b, c, of how to deal with folk. 

It's silly but it can be fun to for the staff who abuse it and push it to the limits by using it in a condesending way to patronise and wind up customers !!! Not that i would do anything like that i'm far to mature and grown up as to go as low as to patronise some stuck up old git who thinks he/she is a big shot. No i'm far to much of a professional to do that kind of childish thing !!!


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 17, 2011)

You go Blue!


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## Bluesman (Oct 17, 2011)

Nacian said:


> I have to disagree with your company as I find people I do not know using my names quite offensive and bad mannered.
> I once had a phone call from a company asking to speak to 'Jamie' to which I replied who/which Jamie and who are you?
> the person on the line replied this is confidential and therefore I will need to him personally.
> I got so angry because my partner's name is Jamie so I said if you are going to ask for someone using their frist name then I am going to get annoyed/pissed off because it comes across as intrusive and lacks professionalism almost bad mannered.
> ...




hahahahaha love it , so it was you i was speaking to was !!!! hahahaha nice one nacian and i don't blame you one bit, i hardly ever use a customers first name unless asked to by the customer.


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## Nacian (Oct 17, 2011)

Bluesman said:


> hahahahaha love it , so it was you i was speaking to was !!!! hahahaha nice one nacian and i don't blame you one bit, i hardly ever use a customers first name unless asked to by the customer.



haha...I need to slow down..haha...I forget words and mispell some others I am in such a rush when writing about this subject..lol
sorry about that Bluesman.:-s:friendly_wink:


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## JosephB (Oct 17, 2011)

It's best not to judge people before you get to know them -- and that includes people who may seem phony at first. Sometimes people smile too much, or rely on trite conversation or niceties because the don't know what else to say -- they aren't necessarily trying to fool anyone or misrepresent themselves. Sometimes it's because they feel ill at ease and they're overcompensating. Both at work and social situations, I really don't come across that many "phony" people -- and I don't think I'm being naive.  I have to wonder if all these judgments of "phony" don't come about because people are looking for or expecting it -- and they don't ever get past that initial impression.


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## Die Oldhaetunde (Oct 17, 2011)

I would like to say something. I am a high functioning autistic, and I would probably commit ninety percent of the social faux paus mentioned here. Not out of being phony, but because I am completely lost when It comes to being social.

So please excuse me for being such a phony, fake, pampering prick. I truly apologize for offending all of the people who expect more of me. Oh well, I guess if I had been born a better person, then maybe I could possibly say hello without getting slapped in the face and trampled upon and shoved in middle school lockers.

But hey, what should I be complaining for, right? I mean, it's not like I have _disability_ or anything, right?

:edit: God, this was a depressing thread to read...


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## Gamer_2k4 (Oct 17, 2011)

Winston said:


> Not wanting to socialize because experience has  proven 98% of social interaction is meaningless tripe?



Social interaction isn't meaningless; you just have to look at the big picture.  If you build a house, you start with the foundation, but at that point, it just looks like you're digging a hole in the ground.  What's the point, right? But, once you've poured the concrete, you can build the supports, and once you build the supports, you can add the plumbing and wiring, and once you do that, you can add walls and floors, and so on and so forth.

Social interaction is like building a house.  You have to start small, but once you do, that opens up many new possibilities.  If you're open with people, you become more attractive to them.  Sometimes that goes places; sometimes it doesn't.  But you can't know whether or not the interaction is meaningless unless you make the effort in the first place to see what comes of it.



Die Oldhaetunde said:


> I would like to say something. I am a high functioning autistic, and I would probably commit ninety percent of the social faux paus mentioned here. Not out of being phony, but because I am completely lost when It comes to being social.



That's an odd thing to say, especially since these social "faux paus" are, as the thread title says, generally accepted "social skills."  They're done, either consciously or through learned habit, because that's what's "expected" of social people.  If you're lost when it comes to being social, shouldn't you be immune to most of these?

I'm really not trying to make light of your disability.  But as an introvert myself (and yes, I KNOW what you have isn't mere introversion), it took me quite some time to recognize and even begin to do these things.  They don't "just happen" through lack of social awareness (other than the "talk to people once a month" thing mentioned on page 1).


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## Bluesman (Oct 17, 2011)

I can understand this being a depressing read if you believe it was directed at you or anyone elese who suffers with autism, i would like to say as the person who started this thread that it was not my intention to point the finger at or insinuate in any way that anyone who suffers with autism or any other disability should feel they are being pointed at or thought of as responsible. 

If you feel you have been singled out for this kind of treatment then i apologise unresveredly for this impression, but that is not the case. I and i,m sure nobody else was suggesting that anyone who suffers any kind of disabilty is responsible for being phony or having bad manners. i hope this goes some way to explaining my position and i hope you will accept my apology for any misunderstanding.    



Die Oldhaetunde said:


> I would like to say something. I am a high functioning autistic, and I would probably commit ninety percent of the social faux paus mentioned here. Not out of being phony, but because I am completely lost when It comes to being social.
> 
> So please excuse me for being such a phony, fake, pampering prick. I truly apologize for offending all of the people who expect more of me. Oh well, I guess if I had been born a better person, then maybe I could possibly say hello without getting slapped in the face and trampled upon and shoved in middle school lockers.
> 
> ...


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## JosephB (Oct 17, 2011)

Gamer_2k4 said:


> Social interaction is like building a house.  You have to start small, but once you do, that opens up many new possibilities.  If you're open with people, you become more attractive to them.  Sometimes that goes places; sometimes it doesn't.  But you can't know whether or not the interaction is meaningless unless you make the effort in the first place to see what comes of it.



That's a good way to put it. When I meet someone or enter into some kind of relationship, I more or less assume I'm going to like that person or at least get along. Sometimes they do something that changes my mind, but I deal with that when it happens. I think that attitude comes across to people -- and they relax and put their guards down.

In my experience, when individuals I've known claim that most people are phonies, or if they're overly cynical about people's motivations -- more often than not, it's their problem. They're the ones sending out negative signals, or who are otherwise acting like jerks. It's no wonder they don't see any value in socializing. They put up the barriers -- so of course, nothing good is going to come out of it.


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## Anders Ämting (Oct 17, 2011)

Bluesman said:


> Has anyone ever been polite to you but not meant it?


 
   Well, that's what politeness _is, _isn't is? Endevouring to not offend or antagonize the person you're talking to. Doesn't mean you have to _like _said person.



MaggieMoo said:


> 3  years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender.  I worked at  the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only  ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis.  At first I  thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when  he chatted to me out of curiosty.  Low and behold It was exactly a month  to the date.  (2nd Tuesday of each month)  I was totally put off by it.   I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have  too much work to catch up on.  How embarrassing on his part.  :sad:


 
  Am I weird for thinking this is kinda awesome? I'd totally have made that the topic of conversation.



ProcrastinationStation said:


> I  find it annoys me when people ask how are you, then ignore the answer,  regardless of what it is, why ask if you don't want to know?


 
 Heh. When I get that question I usually give an honest  reply. This one guy I met, friend of my sisters I think, was like:  "How's it going?" To which I replied: "Could be better. Been feeling a  bit down lately, and I haven't been sleeping well. I manage, though."  And he was like: "Wow, most people don't actually answer in detail." I'd  never even thought of that before.



Steerpike said:


> I don't know the particular boss mentioned above, but you can't assume  the guy is an asshat or anything. I don't know too many who take the  time to go chat with their employees, at least not in larger  organizations, and the fact that he calendared it and did it might say  something nice about the guy. Or it might not, if your a more cynical  type (which I tend to be).



For stuff like this, I tend to assume good intentions as a general rule. 



Mick Carranza said:


> Also, when people say "Thanks" or "Thank You" before you respond or  agree to anything. "Hey can you get me a glass of water, please?  Thanks." Grrr that grinds my gears.



Oh God, I'm not alone in thinking that!

You thank people _after _they help you, dammit, otherwise you're just being presumptious.


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## Bruno Spatola (Oct 17, 2011)

When I ask someone if they can do something for me and they agree, I say thank you, followed by another thank you once they've done it. Is this that bad? or do you mean when people say thank you _immediately_ after please, expecting you to do it; that's very rude, I agree. Not saying thank you at all is worse, though. My sister only says please, hardly ever thank you -- that's kinda disrespectful in my book.

Patronisation is still the thing that annoys me most of all. A lot of people talk to me as if I have major brain damage or something, simply because I use a wheelchair. I don't care if you don't know what "condition" I have, there's no need to talk down to me . . . except in the literal sense of course, being lower down and all. . . .

Sometimes they don't even bother, they just talk about me to my mum right in front of me, like I have no idea what they're saying. Really destroys me, that, even when I make the effort to show I'm not unable to communicate in _any way_. Still, doesn't change anything much when I do. And then people judge me for mostly staying at home, ha. Being patronized and stared at constantly isn't easy to handle. I'm not normal, I use wheels to get around, I understand that, it just cuts deep.

Ah well, I'm sure things will improve at some point. I hardly ever see disabled people in the media unless they can do/have done something "amazing", so it's no surprise really. That's just my opinion.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 17, 2011)

Anders Ämting said:


> ...Am I weird for thinking this is kinda awesome? I'd totally have made that the topic of conversation.



Ha ha.  Well maybe I should have done so.


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## Mick Carranza (Oct 17, 2011)

I'm very surprised that this discussion escalated to ranting and pseudo-hostility. If anything, we could all learn from this, as it's an opportunity to receive social feedback that we normally wouldn't see, (primarily because the people who we annoy tend to curse us under their breath.) Anyway, whether you have a disability, you're socially awkward, or just impulsive and thoughtless like I am, take a second to breathe deep and listen to the feedback and think of ways to improve your social skills. If something you do comes off as phony, *fix it! *My coworkers call me awkward and weird every day. I just do my best to listen to what they say, identify what behaviors of mine contributed and consider ways to improve said behaviors. 

Thanks for listening. I just wanted to make sure the discussion continues with the end-goal of providing encouraging feedback to everyone.


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## Mystery (Oct 18, 2011)

All social skills strike me as phony.

Here's my reasoning:

Most "social skills" cease to exist when one of the following occurs:
- You don't like the person
- You disagree with the person
- You harbor negative feelings for the person
- You want something from that person
- You want something you aren't getting from that person

Social contact revolves around deceipt and trickery. I know, I have a silver tongue.


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## Gamer_2k4 (Oct 18, 2011)

Mystery said:


> All social skills strike me as phony.
> 
> Here's my reasoning:
> 
> ...



That social skills aren't used in certain situations doesn't make them less genuine in others.  Different situations call for different attitudes, and just because something is conditional doesn't mean it's any less real.


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## MaggieMoo (Oct 18, 2011)

Mystery said:


> All social skills strike me as phony.
> 
> Here's my reasoning:
> 
> ...



Wow...  That's quite a list!


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