# A prologue to my book: BOUND SOULS



## Turtle Pen (Mar 9, 2015)

Hello  So I had a pretty short and sweet prologue. But I rewrote it to make it more intimate, more mysterious and just a little peak into my main characters past. PLEASE tell me what you think and if I missed any errors yada yada. Thanks a bunch!! 


When the sun arched high into the blue sky, only a dash of wispy white clouds hung above us as we laid in the grass. Dad was next to me, his arms clasped behind his head as his grey-green eyes watched the clouds. I lay tense beside him. Occasionally a warm wind would play with the tips of my hair and raise goose bumps across my pale skin. 


 “Do you really have to go?” 


“Yes.”


“Why?” 


Dad rolled his face on his arm and looked at me. I soaked in the sight of his copper skin, the dark scruff of his beard bunched on his face, the familiar glitter in his eyes, and the playful, yet stern smile that lifted his cheeks. “You know why, honey.” he whispered as he reached over and brushed his thumb across my cheek.


His skin was coarse and smelled of dirt; like Dad.

Dad grunted as he stretched his arms above his head and slowly rose to his feet. After brushing loose grass strands from his legs and back, he tugged me up onto my feet. Together we began to tread up the small hill behind our home.


I licked my lips. “I heard bad stories about the forest.” 


“Oh did you now? What were they about, honey?” 


“Monsters that eat people,” I whispered. Dad squeezed my hand gently. I looked up at him, “I hear Mom cry at night and she talks with the other Mom’s about how scary they are. You can hear them at night, Dad. They howl. ” 


For a moment we paused in our journey. Slowly Dad bent down on one knee and pulled me close in his arms. “Now you listen to me,” he whispered. “Those monsters can’t get you when you’re behind the big gates. They’ll protect you. I’ll protect you, no matter what happens, honey.” He lifted his arm and gestured to the tall bronze gates the circled around the Tribe like a coiled snake as he carried me inside. 



My home was bustling with people. I was quickly passed from hip to hip, woman to woman, as my Father was prepared for his journey. Finally wriggling from the crowd of people, I collapsed on Dad’s side of the bed, breathing in his scent. My hands shaking. 


When everything had settled down, I felt soft hands rubbing my back in lazy circles. I lifted my head and blinked up at my Mom. She smiled kindly through her curly brown hair as she coaxed me up and wiggled a bleached white dress over my head. Roughly brushing my black hair back so it fell by my shoulders, she kissed my cheek. The stringy tassels brushed my thighs uncomfortably as Mom clamped her hands around mine. 


“Time to tell Daddy goodbye,” She murmured quietly. 


I struggled to match her pace. 


Around me, familiar faces gathered into the main Common. Everyone was dressed in clean clothes and beautiful dresses laced with stark white seashells and pebbles. Blue and white grainy paint was smeared on people’s cheeks and foreheads. I reached up and brushed my cheek. When I glanced at my fingers, a blue hue stained them. Mom would nod her head softly at people who patted her back or sighed with their eyes. 
I just stumbled over my feet, trying to hold onto her hand. 


When we arrived at the front of the crowd, Mom’s grip grew tighter. I could feel her hard fingernails digging into my skin. Ahead of us, a round man with a stubby brown beard announced loudly,


“Levin Calvar has been selected as the chosen Brave. Today we wish him our luck, safe travels, and that he may aid in lifting the curse from this land!” 
Dad appeared at the man’s side upon a hefty palomino horse. A stuffed saddle bag was perched behind him and a long metal sword was clasped to his side. I tried to smile and waved to him. I felt Mom’s hand loosen for a second, a long breath escaping her, before she retightened her grip. Dad smiled softly at me, then Mom before looking out across our Tribe. 


“I’ll make you proud.” He called loudly as he kicked his horse into a gallop and plummeted into the forest. I watched as Dad grew smaller and smaller in the distance. Mom shook beside me. Soon a beautiful song began to rise into the air, fed by the voices around me. Instantly, Mom heaved me up into her arms and wove her way through the crowd. As she roughly pushed my people while sobs shook her arms, I squeezed my eyes shut. 



“Daddy will be okay,” She whispered into my hair as she held me close. “Don’t you worry.”  


I sniffled and nodded stiffly. 


She began to hum, the vibrations tickling my skin and helping me relax. I slowly closed my eyes and fell limp against her. Her chest was tight. Her breathing ragged from watching Dad disappear into the trees. A tear dripped from my eye and raced down my cheek. I didn’t bother wiping it away. 


“Will he come home soon?” 


Mom wiggled me off her lap and took my hand. Slowly she led me into my room. The soft moonlight shone through the small window, engulfing the room in a pool of silver. Mom lifted me up and gently laid me on her rabbit fur cot. After tucking me in and kissing my forehead, she whispered shakily. 
“He’ll be home soon.” 


As my eyes fell shut, I heard the feeble door click closed gently. I was lulled to sleep by the sound of muffled sobs and crashing within the forest. 



{{SORRY IT'S SO LONG GUYS }}


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## InnerFlame00 (Mar 10, 2015)

I liked it, it read very smoothly and I would definitely read more. there were a few mistakes but nothing glaring (although I could have missed some since I had to take a benadryl haha)

one thing I would change is the very beginning paragraph, you don't want to spend too much time describing the environment as your first paragraph since you really want to hook the reader in.

Another thing is that I had no idea if the girl was little or an older adolescent. I got the idea later that she was little, but maybe replace dad with daddy, or use another clue to make her age more apparent.

Last thing, this line:



> Instantly, Mom heaved me up into her arms and wove her way through the crowd.



"Instantly I was in my mom's arms as she wove her way through the crowd"  would work better. or "in an instant". The word instantly with heaved here seems odd.

Keep it up, I'd like to read more. So far so good!

PS: it wasn't that long at all, so dont worry! Generally though when work is posted we like to put word count in the title to let others know.


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## NoxiousLovexx (Mar 21, 2015)

Only thing I possibly caught edit wise was: "As she roughly pushed my(_by)_ people while sobs shook her arms, I squeezed my eyes shut." 
Not sure if the my was meant, but wanted to point it out just in case.

As far as prologues go, I liked it. It had hidden community vibes to it, and I like me a good curse!  I get the impression the narrator is a child from the manner she was passed around, but her speech patterns seem more grown up, so I'll have to agree with the post above mine in making her age more apparent. Overall it has a nice flow to it with the progression of events. Maybe too much time was spent with the father's description and the opening scene, but at the same time it shows the relationship between father and child very well so I'm iffy there. I'd be interested in reading more, though, for sure! Good luck.


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## Violet (Mar 26, 2015)

Appears to be unedited but is a good read. Good narration. Draws you in to read more. Thank you very much.


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## R. Mountebank (Mar 29, 2015)

Very neat and easy to read. A good hook to catch the interest of the reader. I personally like a hint of mystery, with the story unfolding at a natural pace rather than being force fed exposition.

Great work. Keep it up!


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## Aliandra (May 25, 2015)

I really enjoy your descriptions, they're smooth and vivid, really help me imagine the settings. I would recommend reading the beginning again, there's a lot of use of the word 'whispered' to describe conversation between the girl and her father (3 times) and I feel another word might help break redundancy. 
There's this sentence I would change: I hear Mom cry at night and she talks with the other Mom's (change to Moms) about how scary they are.
And: She began to hum, the vibrations tickling my skin and helping me relax. Possible change: She began to hum, the relaxing vibrations tickling my skin. 

Again I enjoyed reading it, I think you nailed the relationships and bringing a sense of community to life. I agree with what others posted regarding word choice for the age of your character and a bit more editing.


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## DeadMaster (May 28, 2015)

Good so far.


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## Didier2nd (May 29, 2015)

NoxiousLovexx said:


> Overall it has a nice flow to it with the progression of events. Maybe too much time was spent with the father's description and the opening scene, but at the same time it shows the relationship between father and child very well so I'm iffy there. I'd be interested in reading more, though, for sure! Good luck.



I agree with this. I thought the description of the father gave a little too much away. The little girl can bring in some of these thoughts later to the story. Really enjoyed the way it read and lots of questions to answer as the book gets going. Will the girl be grown up as the story gets going and will the dad be gone? Great work.

DDII


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## H.Brown (Feb 19, 2016)

I agree a very enjoyable read. i liked how you set the scene and kept the element of mystery flowing. The pace was great. Keep at I would definatly read more.


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## Blue (Feb 26, 2016)

I really enjoyed this as a prologue. It leaves you with just enough information to be satisfied, but at the same time makes you want to find out more. It reads smoothly, and I like the hints of something sinister behind it all. 
I get the feeling that this is a small child speaking, but, like others have said, make her age and maturity clearer. Just by making her speech simpler, or even try incorporating some more naivety into it (that is, if she is a child, and that I have not completely misread that:-&)
All in all a good read, and I would definitely read more.


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## TheRedSharpie (May 8, 2016)

This is cool, and yeah very accessible


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 19, 2016)

Good read, nice imagery, I would like to read more! I have to admit I was kind of scared when I clicked on this because I have a novel in progress that has basically the same tiltle and was hoping it was nothing like mine lol. Glad to read that it isn't but it is very good.


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## avestHom (Oct 16, 2016)

It's very beautiful. I just wish I knew a little bit about your characters' past, in comparison to knowing so much of their now.


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