# 23/8/12 - LM - Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning - Scores



## Potty (Aug 23, 2012)

Another huge turn out! Well done to everyone who entered, quite a hard one to judge. Thank you to the judges, you each did a sterling job! Special mention to Terry D who stepped in at the last moment when I thought we had lost a judge and had his scores to me within 24 hours. 

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Let me know if I've got this wrong again!

Terry D: Unscored.
The Thing: 12 + 12 + 13 + 14 = 12.75
Helium: 10 + 14 + 11.5 + 9 = 11.13
Garza: 14 + 15 + 18 + 18 = 16.25
Acropitcairn: 16 + 14 + 16 + 15 = 15.25
lasm: 14 + 13 + 14 + 13 = 13.5
KyleColorado: 18 + 17 + 17 + 17 = 17.25
Primrose: 16 + 16 + 16 + 13 = 15.25
Jon M: 15 + 14 + 18 +16 = 15.75
Industrial: 14 + 12 + 14 + 9 = 12.25
Evil Jennius: 14 + 13 + 14.5 + 18 = 14.88
Noxicity: 15 + 16 + 16.5 + 14 = 15.38
Mr Mitchell: 12 + 11 + 11 + 9 = 10.75
Bilston Blue: 14 + 15 + 17.5 + 19 = 16.38
Gargh: 13 + 14 + 16 + 16 = 14.75
Cadence: 16 + 15 + 16.5 + 14 = 15.38
Rubisco: 16 + 14 + 17.5 + 15 = 15.63
Bazz Cargo: 14 + 16 + 17 + 16 = 15.75

So please give a standing ovation to our winners!

In first place: KyleColorado!
In second place: Bilston Blue!
In Third place: Garza!

Congrats guys! And now, the comments.


*Fin's scores:*

*Terry D
Rockjunkie@Twitter*

Can't really take off for spelling and grammar, considering it's Twitter.

You surprised me. I admit, I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into at first glance. I ended up enjoying it though.

I enjoyed all the little creatures leading up to the finale. Rockjunkie's humor was funny, and the profanity only added to it.

The Twitter format was definitely different from anything I'd read on this website so far.
Thanks for the change up and surprise.


---​
*The Thing
Constantine's Epiphany*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [2/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 12

There were several run on sentences in there. There were also two incorrect usages of the word "it's." For future reference, "its" is the correct possessive form of that word. There are a few other grammatical mistakes throughout the story.

I like the little world you created in a short time. The only thing that confused me momentarily was that all of the names were so different from normal, but all similar to each other. I got over it though.

The only problem with this story was that I didn't really care too much about the characters, and there was no 'wow factor'. In stories this short, I feel you need _something_ to cling on to. The characters weren't memorable. There wasn't a personality that really stood out to me. In the end, there wasn't anything to reflect on or think about. It just ended. There was no shock, surprise, or anything. I was just content with the whole thing.

Try making your characters have more meaning in the future. I get the message in the background, but when your characters have no personality, it's basically meaningless.

---​
*helium
Funny things happen when the sky is burning*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [2/5]
*Effect:* [5/10]
*Overall:* 10

The way you handled the dialogue was so awkward to me. It was different than I'd ever seen, and in this case that isn't a good thing.

A lot of the time, your story telling was so vague, and other times it was pure contradictory. Stories where the primary character dies always have huge potential. Unfortunately, your story started out with huge potential but ended up living up to none of it.

You have a diseased boy here, dying, and - this sounds terrible - I didn't care one bit. All details of him were vague and because of the awkward dialogue handling, I never even felt like I knew any of his personality. He was just there, existing in the background, hen surely he needed to be up front. Work on putting character into your, uh, characters.

---​
*garza
Look up - the sky is burning*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14

Flawless grammar.

Very interesting piece. I say that because I've seen around the forums that you're seasoned in writing articles, and it definitely shows with this. It felt more like an article than a story. When writing something this short, you have to give me something to cling on to. Some type of care. In this, I felt that these were just series of events that happened in some far off place. You never gave me anything to connect to. I felt like the story could have been much improved by you telling a similar story, but following the family who got shot's actions during this all. That way you could have recreated their emotion in me.

The dialogue began to give me what I was looking for. That blast of color I needed. It was short lived though, unfortunately. Everything before that was black and white, with no one to cling on to. Also, I felt that all of the speech tags weren't needed. That's not to say to change them, but I feel that some of them can be removed all together. It felt a little redundant having you tell me who said what, when I already had the rhythm in my head.

In my mind, the difference between articles and writing a story, is that with an article you're informing me of things. With a story, you're taking me _through_ those things and letting me explore that world. That's something that I believe you can benefit from remembering. Give me something to hold on to. 

---​
*Arcopitcairn 
Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 16

There were no obvious grammar mistakes. But in your sentences, you tend to add words that don't need to be there. It's almost as if you restate yourself. Some of your sentences are written in an awkward style, like your second one.

What an interesting man. He passed up the opportunity to have sex with the love of his life. . . for an opportunity to get revenge by rejecting her. How silly of him. 

Good story. Had the sort of humor I like to see in something like this. You handled the prompt well. Good job.

---​
*lasm
Oneirexia*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14

I don't know what to say. Your writing style is so incredibly different than anything I'd seen. It was difficult a lot of the time to understand what was going on, and I found myself repeating lines to see what you were getting at. It didn't help at all that your style doesn't include quotation marks when someone is talking. It was difficult to understand at first glance whether or not what was written was being spoken, or simply part of her thought process.

Reading it through a second time helped a lot though.

It was a good story. Unique. I got the sort of creepy vibe from the whole scene, and I liked it. The scenery, I'd have to say, is my favorite part of the story. Especially the ice bucket in hand. It added to the whole creepy factor to me.

Thanks.

---​

*KyleColorado
Grey Tail, Orange Sky*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [9/10]
*Overall:* 18

No problems with grammar.

You lost me a little at the end. I haven't a clue as to where the partner came from. He just appeared to me. I read it over, and I don't see where I missed anything, but I'm sure I probably did.

I loved this. I felt like I was dying with Abigail. Uh, not that I love dying. It felt all in the moment. The scene was great. The snow was a great choice of place for it all. I particularly like the way you introduced Abigail's leg as bleeding. 

Again you impress me with the way you give life to a character who wasn't even there half the time. It wasn't just a pack of wolves going for Abigail, it was Grey Tail.

Good stuff. Thanks.

---​
*Primrose 
Maybe the Sky Really is Falling*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 16

No grammatical mistakes that I could see.

I knew the protagonist lit the fire from the beginning, but I enjoyed the ride through with her. It was all happening in the moment and I enjoyed it. I love the way you word things. It's interesting. I love her thoughts. 

A fun ride. Thanks.

---​
*Jon M
DRUNK AND CRAZY*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 15

No grammar mistakes that I could see.

A fun, wild ride. Your writing style is unique. The ending felt so random yet so fitting. The characters are so crazy. All of them. You lost me at a few points but it was nothing that lasted long. 

Fun story. Thanks.

---​
*Industrial
Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [6/10]
*Overall:* 14

Took off two for a broken rule.

For future reference:


> *Now a recap of the rules:*
> 2.You can no longer edit your entry after posting. There will be a 10-minute grace period, if you want to go in there and edit a typo or something, but you should approach this as if you were submitting your work to be published and paid for. When you submit, that should be your final work, the work you are happy with.



No grammatical mistakes that I could see.

It didn't really feel like a story. But I loved it. The pictures you put in my head were great and so vivid. It was like a fantastic speech.

Good stuff. You've got serious talent.

---​
*Evil Jennius
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14

No grammatical mistakes that I could see. 

I felt like I was there with him. Good scenery.

The only complaint I have is that I wish you gave Emmie a little more life. Maybe a little more than just a name and an action. More emotion towards her, if she's going to be in it at all. 

---​
*Noxicity
[Defied*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 15

What a fun story -- in a weird way. The guy was the lone star, and you handled it well. You also handled well his insanity. I enjoyed his delusions and his weird personality.

---​
*Mr mitchell 
Something burning*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [6/10]
*Overall:* 12

Few grammatical errors, and a few misplaced words.

I wish you gave more character to the boy. That could have increased the effect this had tremendously. Possibly even add a little more that had to be done for him to get back to his mother. Good story though.

---​
*Bilston Blue 
The Last Words of Old Joe Smoke*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14

Fun, slightly disgusting story. You sure did give life to each of your characters though. The ending was of course, expected because of the title. But that's fine, since you had enough crazy things happening throughout the story.

Good stuff. 

---​
*Gargh 
Snake-oil*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 13

Few grammatical mistakes.

Such an interesting story. Fun run. It was a little confusing at times, but nothing I couldn't work out. The stream of consciousness was fun too. 

---​
*Cadence
Sam*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 16

Haha, good stuff. I like how you got into the little kids' mind. You handled that nicely. The twist at the end was great and I didn't see it coming. Both of your characters were filled with a lot of life. You did a good job with it.

---​
*rubisco
Divine Censorship*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 16

You breathed life into your characters nicely. I enjoyed his odd personality, and I even liked Paul. Good job. I was wondering if you were going to have Howard actually say any jokes. Often times, people don't! They just say that they have a certain type of humor. You provided some things though, and that's good. 

Thanks for the read.

---​
*bazz cargo 
Allegiance*
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14

It took a little while to get into your world. It came along nicely though, and it was enjoyable. The difficult thing here is to give life to such a large amount of characters in this short time. You pulled it off well with the majority of them. I'm impressed.


*HkayG's Scores*

*Rockjunkie@Twitter 
Terry D *

Definitely original but left me a little stumped on how to score the grammar! In the end I went on consistent, because it is the same all the way through. The tone of voice was completely unique especially since it was done through a tweeting style. I thought it was really creative. In the end, it was down to my individual taste that it got a 7/10 for effect. But overall it was enjoyable and very intriguing. 

* * *

*Constantine's Epiphany 
The Thing *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*3/5
*Effect:* 6/10

The spelling and grammar was marked down for one reason only – I’m a stickler for homophones. ‘Weather we really had’. . And it may have only been a slip of the mind but it was glaringly obvious to me. For me the tone of voice was not distinctive enough – I couldn’t really connect with the character. I think I preferred the boss! Overall I enjoyed reading it. 

* * *

*Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning 
Helium *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

This started with such promise. I loved all the description, the words used. I got really excited, and then in the last couple of paragraphs it just seems to slip. I thought the intelligence of the child was going to be built on and I didn’t like the way his words weren’t in speech marks. But I am picky.
The best bit about this was definitely the start and the way things were described. And kudos for the tone too – you really could sympathise with the character, which is no easy feat in 650 words! 

* * *

*Look up – The Sky is Burning
Garza *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:*3/5
*Effect:* 8/10

I enjoyed this story. Although it was morbid, I did enjoy it. The grammar and spelling couldn’t be faulted. The mark for the tone for me was because there was no one strong voice. It was more like a narrator – and so I didn’t get emotionally involved. However, I could see this story being expanded into a bigger story and I felt at the end that I wanted to read more (which is never a bad thing!). I loved the description of how the fire spread and I liked the police and the old man conversing at the end. Very enjoyable! 

* * *

*Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
Arcopitcarin *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

I wasn’t sure what to think of this! Firstly I have to say that the tone was great. I felt like even though it was a short amount of time I really got to know how the character thought and who he was. It was very well done and for something quite so epic as the end of the world, it was a very unique take. The reason I didn’t know what to think was because of this uniqueness – I just can’t imagine someone doing this at the end of the world! However it was very well put and I did enjoy it. 

* * *

*Oneirexia 
Lasm *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

Wow, how do I start with this one? Personally, after reading it twice – I still didn’t understand it. And I’m really sorry if that’s just me, but I really didn’t get it. I’m not really sure what they were doing, and the lack of speech marks confused me too. I’m aware that this is probably my personal opinion and I’m sure others understood it. What I did love was how powerful the descriptions were. Something about it was extravagantly dark and rich. 

* * *

*Grey Tail, Orange Sky 
KyleColarado *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 9/10

I loved this and it’s my personal favourite. It’s so different – what a take on the prompt. I loved that a nickname was given to the wolf and it really came alive with character because of that. I also enjoyed the woman’s ramblings in her mind – the slow descent into freezing madness. Really well done – I would love to have read the prequel to this! 

* * *

*Maybe the sky really is falling 
Primrose *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 8/10

Another one I really enjoyed. I like how simple it is – really not a complex story but by the end it leaves me asking lots of questions, but in a good way. Was it the girl who caused the fire? At one point I thought she was going to be a ghost! Really well written and I loved how well her character came across. It’s a sad story, but no feeling sorry for themselves, and a little bit of dark humour creeps in too. Loved it. 

* * *

*Drunk & Crazy 
Jon M *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:*3/5
*Effect:* 7/10

I enjoyed how this was written (minus the no speech marks scenario) and I liked how it started. A humble good working man turned drunken sponger. I originally thought they were on an adventure, running away from something. And then I started losing the flow near the end. I couldn’t understand why they were doing what they were doing. And I didn’t quite get the picture of how it ended. But still enjoyable. 

* * *

*Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
Industrial *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:* 2/5
*Effect:* 6/10

This felt more like a lecture than a story. Or maybe not a lecture, more of a rambling of thoughts. Or it did to me anyway! I’m not really sure what the story was, I struggled to find a definitive voice or point, to the piece. Although I have to say I am a fan of thoughtful ramblings which saved this from being scored any lower.

* * *

*No good deed goes unpunished 
Evil Jennius *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*3/5
*Effect:* 7/10

Another one that started off strongly but sort of faded towards the end. The image of the man in his brogues was so strong for me – that was a really good bit of description to put in. The tone of voice was good – I could understand how hard the man was finding it and what a trial it was. Although it left me slightly lost to what the man was doing there in the first place, and I found that some unnecessary sentences could have been replaced with others explaining the situation. But an enjoyable read all the same. 

* * *

*Deified 
Noxicity *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10

This was great. Really different. I think Noxicity has done a fabulous job of making the character seem insane. Because quite obviously he is! But at the same time she made it seem so rational – an everyday thing. I enjoyed all the description and I really felt like this was a mini-story. Like it had explained everything and all had been explained. Great job. 

* * *

*Something burning 
Mr Mitchell *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 2/5
*Tone and Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10

I felt like this had been very rushed. There are quite a few basic mistakes in relation to grammar and spelling. If they were intended they weren’t enhanced enough to make this obvious. I think making a story shorter than the allocated words can be very clever if done right, but in this case I just don’t think it worked. Good effort. 

* * *

*The last words of old joe smoke 
Bilston Blue *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

I did enjoy reading this, which at the beginning I didn’t think I would. The tone of voice is really strong and consistent the whole way through. I thought the character of Joe and work partner comes across really well and I like how the mountain was treated as a person. I was surprised of the ending – something very abrupt about it but overall it was good. 

* * *

*Snake Oil 
Gargh *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:*4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

I really liked the idea of this story, but because of the amount of words allowed I feel it was squeezed where it could have done with a bit more explanation. The grammar was fine and the tone of voice was strong. I enjoyed the main characters personality very much. I would love to know what got her into this situation. 

* * *

*Divine Censorship 
Rubisco *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

This started off do well. In fact it was brilliant until the last paragraph – and that really put me off. It felt rushed or lazy. The beginning though, I loved the character and how he came across, I loved how he was almost told off by the senior comedian. I was really excited to see where this would go and how you would incorporate the theme. 

* * *

*Sam 
Cadence *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone and Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10

This is one of my favourites. For different reasons but mainly because of the humour. It’s quite rare (especially for this prompt!) to find humour in a short story. It was very refreshing. I liked the way the relationship between the boys is depicted and the surprise ending. A couple of minor grammatical errors but otherwise good. 

* * *

*Allegiance 
Bazz Cargo *
*Spelling and Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone and Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10

This seems like it could be an epic long story. It feels like a snippet from a novel. It’s really written well and I feel the twisting tale getting deeper all the way through. I already feel like the girl is a hero and the father is particularly devious villain. I would love to see how you thought of doing this and what it would be like if it was written fully. Great grammar and tone – can’t fault it really. Very interesting read. 




*Potty's scores*

*Title:* Rockjunkie@Twitter
*By:* Terry D

General Comments: The spelling was atrocious! But obviously they intended to be. I would love to give you a 5 for this but something deep inside wont let me. I was initially put off by the Twitter format. At first I thought it was a bit lazy and scruffy looking. But you had me invested in the story at “locals won’t go near Hverfjall. Damned superstition!” From this point on I found myself reading quickly to find out why the villagers were superstitious of the volcano. I liked the ending where, I assume, a local witch doctor posted the final entry to tell the world that he was unable to save Rockjunkie. Could have used a bit more to explain where the reptiles etc were coming from but otherwise very good.

* * *

*Title:* Constantine's Epiphany
*By:* The Thing
*Total Score:* 13
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5, 
Tone and Voice: 3/5 
Effect: 6/10

General Comments: A few errors with spelling such as “Lightening”, I think you meant to use “Lightning”. And also; “Tell them, Eusebius. Tell my loyal men what that sign mean,” mean should be either meant or means. It was clear but the story itself didn't do anything for me. I liked how the centurion could stand silently and his men would turn to face him without being ordered. But I don;t really get what the story is trying to say... Other than Christianity confuses people. I wasn't grabbed by this story. Sorry.

* * *

*Title:* Funny Thing Happen when the Sky is Burning.
*By:* Helium
*Total Score:* 11.5
Spelling and Grammar: 2.5/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

General Comments: I'm giving you a half score for SPAG here as I can't find fault with your spelling, but your grammar needs work. Not a bad effort Helium. You're getting better. Had a few issues with this one, one of which being how the cancer child jumps out of bed and does a few star jumps. Not really something you feel like doing when you're up to your eyes in chemo. But I loved the ending, very powerful. Keep it up!

* * *

*Title:* Look Up – The Sky is Burning.
*By:* Garza
*Total Score:* 18/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10 powerful and so violent it's realistic.

General Comments: I understand that you look back at your notes from your days as a journalist to find material for your fiction. If this was something you have witnessed then it was very good. I read this as though you had seen it for yourself. The way they shot the parents of those children who didn't attend school that day I felt was typical of how people think and makes me thankful that we live in a country where we are force by law to think before we act.

* * *

*Title:* Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
*By:* Acropitcairn
*Total Score:* 16/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10 

General Comments: Loved this! He was a stronger man than I could ever be, in that position I would put my humiliation to one side and just indulge myself. But the fact this guy is willing to give up something he has wanted for ages just to prove a point was impressive. I sympathise with him as I too have been the doting friend of someone I've been in love with while she has gone from one bad relationship to another and a number of times I wanted to just scream a few home truths at her. Never did though and we are no longer friends. 

* * *

*Title:* Oneirexia
*By:* lasm
*Total Score:* 14
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10

General Comments: An interesting tale. Not sure I really got the message. Am I right in thinking that someone who feeds on peoples dreams taught her how to do it too? An interesting concept! The lack of quotation marks made it a bit of a struggle. But I liked the idea. Good Job.

* * *

*Title:* Grey Tail – Orange Sky
*By:* KyleColorado
*Total Score:* 17/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10 

General Comments: As usual you have produced some good writing. I liked how you confuse the reader just as much as the MC is confused from the loss of blood. My only issues with the story is that her companion was a bit of a shock. I thought she was alone until the end. I would have maybe left him out and have her remove her own mask. Other than that I enjoyed the read! I liked the irony of someone studying the wolves becoming their next meal.

* * *

*Title:* Maybe the Sky really is Falling
*By:* Primrose
*Total Score:* 16/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10

General Comments: I really liked this story. But had a few issues with it. At first I thought there was a sheet of fire crossing the sky, but you later reveal that it is a building that is on fire. I find it strange that the army would be involved in this... there is no real explanation why they are there, is it an army barracks or military housing? I also feel that the amount of panic, to the point of someone running over a child, is a bit much for this situation. Commonly people will be milling at a safeish distance going “ooooh, aaaaah”. Panic yes, but mass hysteria? Probably not. HOWEVER your ending was a really nice surprise that I didn't see coming. The fact that the MC was the one who set fire to the building and was happy to watch the chaos was something that will probably strike a chord with a lot of people. 

*Title:* Drunk and Crazy
*By:* Jon M
*Total Score:* 18
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10 

General Comments: An interesting look at someone who is given the opportunity to kill someone before the world ends. The way the story was written reminded me of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas”. Fast paced and detached from reality. I liked it, well laid out too.

* * *

*Title:* Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
*By:* Industrial 
*Total Score:* 14
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10 

General Comments: I'm afraid I've had to mark you down on this as, after several re-reads, I'm convinced this is a non-fiction piece. I liked some of your opening theories however.

* * *

*Title:* No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.
*By:* Evil Jennius
*Total Score:* 14.5
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 3.5/5
Effect: 7/10 

General Comments: An interesting look at being stranded in a desert. My only problem with the story is I feel that the only part of it that had anything to do with the prompt was “Later the sun had dipped into the horizon, taking the heat with it, and threw a glorious blaze of fire across the sky.” Which felt a little thrown in just to make it a valid entry. But a nice glimpse into the thoughts of someone left to die. 

* * *

*Title:* Deified
*By:* Noxicity
*Total Score:* 16.5/20
Spelling and Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10 

General Comments: I really enjoyed this! I often wonder how you can get the occasional person smile about his fate. I never thought that they could be thinking it was a reward. My only sticking factor is that the guy was obviously a madman. I wonder if god really would have cast him down for something being really wrong with him. That's is hell actually exists of course  Religious debates aside, this was a good piece which left me wanting more.

* * *

*Title:* Something Burning
*By:* Mr Mitchell
*Total Score:* 11/20
Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10 

General Comments: I was a bit confused why the MC was window shopping and appreciating his new home when the sky was burning. I think if the sky caught fire near me, shop windows would be going past too quickly for me to see what's inside as I race out of town. A few spelling and grammatical errors but nothing that practice can't fix! Keep it up Mitch!

* * *

*Title:* The Last Words of Old Joe Smoke.
*By:* Bilston Blue
*Total Score:* 17.5/20
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8.5/10 

General Comments: I was really enjoying this up until the last line where you see the lit ciggy sinking into the water. Now, as a smoker, and living near a canal, I know all too well that if you are unfortunate enough to accidentally drop your ciggy, the second it hits the water it goes out and breaks apart. None of this slowly sinking wishful thinking! That and I'm pretty sure it should be “lit” not “lighted”. Other than that I enjoyed this  

* * *

*Title:* Snake Oil
*By:* Gargh
*Total Score:* 16/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10 

General Comments: Question, if she is supposed to be hiding the fact she is a woman... why did she have her lady lumps out in the first place? I enjoyed this but felt it could use more... everything. I feel like I've walked in in the middle of a longer story here. Might be worth developing this a little. Not sure I like the lack of quotation marks personally. Good job nonetheless.

* * *

*Title:* Divine censorship
*By:* rubisco
*Total Score:* 17.5/20
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8.5/10 

General Comments: Good one! I was already clenching my buttocks with embarrassment just thinking what this Jim Davidson type was going to say in front of all these god fearing people. The fact that even god seemed to object to his act and stopping it by starting Armageddon was funny in itself. And the last line was well placed. Good job!

* * *

*Title:* Sam
*By:* Cadence
*Total Score:* 16.5/20
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7.5/10 

General Comments: The Pottinator wins! I enjoyed this, but towards the end I felt it got a little bit silly. I would have been more impressed if the Pottinator crashed through the ceiling . I thought it was a bit random to suddenly make Sam a super hero. But I enjoyed the read and it made me smile. Good job.

* * *

*Title:* Allegiance
*By:* bazz cargo
*Total Score:* 17/20
Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10 

General Comments: And interesting read, I always prefer dialogue heavy stories over description heavy. You've managed to fit quite a bit in the word count too without making it feel rushed. Good job




*Terry D's Scores.*

*Constantine’s Epiphany
The Thing*

Total – 14 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. A missing apostrophe in enemies in the first paragraph. Earth should be capitalized in the third paragraph. “lord god” In the third from last paragraph should be capitalized.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice in this piece was consistent and appropriate to the tone of the story. I didn’t, however, feel ‘pulled in to’ the story.

Effect – 7 of 10 – You did a fine job of narrating the tale, but I felt that there was opportunity to better establish the setting and mood of an army awaiting battle. There wasn’t much tension.

General Comments – I enjoyed the story, particularly the depiction of Constantine as a half-mad zealot. The length restriction kept you from developing the mood as you would have liked I’m sure.

* * *

*Funny thing happen when the sky is burning
helium*

Total – 9 of 20

SPaG – 2 of 5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. No spelling errors that I noticed other than “up right” should be ‘upright’. There were, however many grammatical errors. What I found the most distracting were the conversations in the third and fourth paragraphs. Each bit of dialogue should be its own paragraph for the sake of clarity.

Tone and Voice – 2 of 5 – Generic, uninteresting tone. This story has the feel of something that was conceived and executed in a very short time and without much care. I’ve read other stories you have written and not gotten that impression. This piece is not up to the caliber of your usual work.

Effect – 5 of 10 – Because of the hurried feel, and the structure problems, this story doesn’t pack much punch. 

General Comments – There is a good story inside this premise, but it is not yet well developed. I’d like to see what you could do with this idea if you worked on it.

* * *

*Look up – the sky is burning
Garza*

Total – 18 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. More errors than I am use to seeing in your stories. A woman screamed. ‘Our children’. It should be a comma after ‘screamed’, and the final period should be within the quotation marks. There were other instances of punctuation marks being placed outside of the quotation marks also. Also, panades and Guardia Nacional, should be in italics as they are foreign (to a story written in English) words.

Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique, style and technique. The voice of this piece is nearly, but not quite, journalistic. The subtle difference is what makes it work so well, bringing the reader emotionally ‘into’ the scene.

Effect – 10 of 10 – You nailed the effect with, The walls and thick bush muffled the sound so very few people noticed when the first round was fired. Everyone noticed when it landed. It just got better from there.

General Comments – A great story because it captures the essence of the truth. I loved the way you bookend the piece with the comments about killing children. At the beginning you make a promise, at the end you keep it. I always look forward to your stories.

* * *

*Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
Arcopitcairn*

Total – 15 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. All of the errors I spotted resided in one small paragraph: “We could do it.” She blurted, her cheek wet with tears, “before the end. We could do that.” And she started taking off her clothes. There should be a comma in the first quote rather than a period, and the ‘S’ in she should be lower case. ‘before’ should also be capitalized.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. When you tell us that Ben was “wondering idly” you really mean it. This piece has a feeling of the Ben being disconnected from the end of the world. It’s kind of cold, but fitting and consistent.

Effect – 8 of 10 – That same feeling of disconnectedness keeps the tale from having an emotional impact on the reader; from letting the reader care about Ben, or Jamie.

General Comments – A well written, compact, story. It flowed very well and was easy to read.

* * *

*Oneirexia
lasm*

Total – 13 of 20

SPaG – 2 of 5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. I know the repeated use of sentence fragments was intentional, and I’m assuming the non-use of quotation marks was also, but it was very distracting to me. In my opinion the experimentation only made the story harder to read.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. There was a consistent, and effective, surreal feeling to the tale, achieved, in part, by the fragmentation I noted above. Mostly, though, what worked for me were the word choices you made.

Effect – 7 of 10 – Short-short stories live and die by their effect on the reader and in just 650 words the author has very little room to experiment and still have the desired effect (that’s why I don’t expect my own story to score well). There just wasn’t enough time for me to get comfortable with this piece.

General Comments – I like the mood of this story, and its scope. I just would have preferred it to be more fluid than fragmented.

* * *

*Grey Tail, Orange Sky
KyleColorado*

Total – 17 of 20

SPaG – 5 of 5 -- Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. It’s clear you put thought into how the words were laid out, and you pushed the punctuation envelope to enhance, not distract from, the story. My only quibble is with the use of the colon in, Abigale knew: the pack was on the move. I’m not sure it’s technically wrong, but I think the sentence is better without it.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong interesting use of a particular tone. The flow was excellent and the voice of the doomed scientist was consistent from start to finish, but I didn’t get a sense of who she was.

Effect – 8 of 10 – I found the story both remarkable in its pacing and suspense, and a bit lacking in cohesion. The ‘partner’ introduced at the end was a total surprise and I couldn’t figure out why he would be introduced so late and then play no part. I had the sense of an, “all I have to do is outrun you.” moment, but that didn’t seem to fit.

General Comments – None of this effected your score, but I had some trouble with factual issues (I could well be wrong on these); Do wolves hunt above the tree-line? At an altitude that would require the use of oxygen you would be well above the tree-line and the habitat of virtually all prey species – I think. Also, there wouldn’t be enough oxygen to support combustion in the engine of the snow mobile either. Nits aside, great story, I very much enjoyed it.

* * *

*Maybe the Sky Really is Falling
Primrose*

Total – 13 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. Some comma misuse. ‘Alright’ isn’t all right in formal writing. I would have like to see quotation marks used in paragraphs 7 and 10 for clarity’s sake.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice was steady and consistent, but showed us none of the angst, or anger that would drive a nineteen-year-old to commit arson.

Effect – 6 of 10 – There was jerkiness to the story (a lot of very short sentences) that kept me from getting emotionally involved with the protagonist. I liked the last couple of sentences because they gave some insight into the girl.

General Comments – Arson, when not committed for financial gain, is an act of passion. Very little of that passion came through in this very well written story. We see the fire through the eyes of the arsonist, but we don’t feel what she feels.

* * *

*DRUNK AND CRAZY
Jon M*

Total – 16 of 20 


SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. I know you made a conscious choice to not use quotation marks as a matter of style, but it is still non-traditional, and technically an error. As a reader, it makes my job more difficult, and less rewarding.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice was consistent throughout, and delivered an impression of a lost soul becoming more lost by the minute.

Effect – 9 of 10 – The story has a bleak atmosphere as desolate as the Arizona desert in which it is set.

General Comments – I was reminded of Brad Pitt’s character in Kalifornia while reading this story, and that is a good thing. Your story is a good example of how well a story can be formed in just 650 words.

* * *

*Funny Things Happen When the Sky is Burning
Industrial*

Total – 9 of 20

SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. I found no grammatical errors other than the failure to capitalize the word God when used as a proper noun.

Tone and Voice – 2 of 5 – Generic, uninteresting tone. The narration tends to be ‘preachy’ and never engages the reader as part of the piece.

Effect – 3 of 10 – This piece is very well written, with ideas flowing well and finishing with a nice tie to the prompt. It is, however, an opinion piece and not a work of fiction and, as such, its effect is quite diluted.

General Comments – However well written the work is it is still a situation where you brought a knife to a gun-fight. 

* * *

*No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Evil Jennius*

Total – 18 of 20

SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. The only thing which kept me from giving a ‘five’ here is the mis-use of the ‘en’ dash. The places where you use the ‘en’dash actually call for an ‘em’ dash. Here’s a guide I use for this: Dashes | Punctuation Rules | Em Dash | En Dash
Also, in my opinion, the technique was a bit over-used. 

Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique, style and technique. The tone of this story was spare and desolate, just like the landscape. The narrator’s voice never overpowered the pace of the action.

Effect – 9 of 10 – everything the protagonist was feeling, from his regret at whistle-blowing, to the grit in his brogans, is transferred to the reader. My only complaint is that the whole premise is just a tad skewed. A Sicilian (Mafioso) wouldn’t take the chance of him surviving; there would have been a double-tap to the back of the head before dumping. Also, the word ‘henchmen’ was a bit like hitting a pot-hole in a smooth road.

General Comments – All of my complains above are just minor nits picked for the sake of competition. This is an excellent story, very strongly told. I enjoyed it a lot.

* * *

*Deified
Noxicity*

Total – 14 of 20 

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. In a couple of places colons were used where semi-colons would be more appropriate. In the first sentence of the second paragraph the comma after ‘above all others,’ should be a period since you begin the next quote with a capital. At the end of that same paragraph, the dialogue tag, ‘The voice crooned.’ Should be part of the preceding quote – “… do not fear,” the voice crooned.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. It is not easy to maintain such an imperious, haughty, voice throughout an entire story without slipping up. You did a good job of that.

Effect – 7 of 10 – The same aloof haughtiness which gave the story its tone, cost it a bit in effect. The reader never emotionally engages with the protagonist.

General Comments – A nice glimpse into the darkness of a disturbed mind. It flows well for such a short piece and never feels chopped-off. A very good story.

* * *

*Something burning
Mr. mitchell*

Total – 9 of 20

SPaG – 2 of 5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. The grammar needs tightening up, there seem to be words missing in places, and there are a number of spelling errors.

Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 – Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. There are odd word choices which really disrupted the flow of the tale; “. . . a fear streamed across my face.”, “I tinted his head close to my chest . . . “, and “The cranked fire burning . . .” are examples.

Effect – 4 of 5 – The setting of this story was well established, and there were some nice visuals. The flow was quite jumbled, however. I never understood how the protagonist got from the beach, to the shops, to his home. It seemed like more of a series of impressions than a story.

General Comments – This tale would benefit from using more of the 650 words allowed for the competition. Further explanation is needed, as is a good proof-read. There is potential here, but it’s just been scratched.

* * *

*The Last Words of Old Joe Smoke
Bilston Blue*

Total – 19 of 20

SPaG – 5 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. There is a lot going on grammatically in this story, particularly in the dialogue, and that structure is what gives this piece the beautiful texture that it has.

Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique, style and technique. Masterfully crafted. The voice of the narrator is totally individual, and absolutely fitting to the story. This works on many levels.

Effect – 9 of 10 – Everything in this story is woven together tighter than Moses’ basket. The smog, the pervasive glow and rumble of Big Lizzy, the narrator’s impression of Old Joe Smoke – it’s like a ballad. For me the only glitch was in the very last sentence; I peered into the blackness and saw Joe’s lighted fag sinking and, somehow, thought nothing of it. The word ‘somehow’ seemed wrong to me there. The rest of the story was so tightly written that the qualifier seems out of place.

General Comments – I just might print this one out and hang it above my desk with a note saying, “Do this!”

* * *

*Snake-oil
Gargh*

Total – 16 of 20 

SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. Well structured and I could find no spelling or punctuation errors (although I think you should have had a comma after “no-brain” in the next to last paragraph. I didn’t gig this one for the lack of quotation marks because italics were used in lieu of them, so the meaning was clear.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The train-of-thought style was held consistent from beginning to end, and the tense shift was handled well.

Effect – 8 of 10 – There was good tension when the protagonist realized she would have to go back for the knife, and the confrontation with Carter was handled well. The end was a bit flat and lacked punch.

General Comments – I get the sense that this is some sort of post-apocalyptic world. I like those stories and their bleak atmosphere. You did a good job of capturing that at very close range without beating the reader over the head with it. This is a good story.

* * *

*Divine Censorship
rubisco*

Total – 15 of 20

SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. Well written and very clean punctuation and grammar-wise.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. I was reminded of the old Tom Hanks movie Stand-Up. The insight into the mind of a comic out-of-place in his venue was interesting.

Effect – 7 of 10 – It is hard to completely develop a story in just 650 words and you did a good job of setting the ending up by showing Howard’s worry and his exchange with Paul. That didn’t leave you enough words to do justice to the ending, though. It all happened too quickly.

General Comments – I did love that last line! The writing in this piece was tight and well crafted. It was a pleasure to read.

* * *

*Sam
Cadence*

Total – 14 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. A couple of unnecessary commas and spelling errors; (did it mention it’s black?) should be, did I mention it’s black? And; …hundred machine guns on each arm a (and) rocket launchers for teeth.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The story is told well and consistently from the POV of the protagonist. There is a sense of his personality.

Effect – 7 of 10 – There was a good sense of mood, almost nostalgic, to the story right up until the robot showed up and went all Transformers. The idea, of course, was for a humorous twist at the end, but, for me, it didn’t work. I did like the “kick to the robotic groin” line.

General Comments – The first part of the story is very well crafted and moves along nicely. If there would have been some hints of Sam’s nature earlier, the ending might have worked better.

* * *

*Allegiance
Bazz Cargo*


Total – 16 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. Just a couple of comma questions, and the failure to capitalize Father when Verity uses it as a proper noun.

Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The ‘observer’ tone works well for this piece. It keeps the action at a distance, as if we are sitting in the juror’s box during a trial.

Effect – 9 of 10 – I guess I’m just a sucker for allegory. This story works very well as a parable.

General Comments – It’s perfectly okay to beat the reader over the head with a message so long as the author is up front about it, and you establish that with the line; Beside him are three foolish men. You let the reader know what to expect. That’s honest writing. Good job.


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## Bilston Blue (Aug 24, 2012)

Ah well, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. :hopelessness: Oops! That'll be my competitive side sneaking out for the day. 

Congratulations to Kyle and Garza for placing first and third, and to everyone else too. 'Twas a packed field once more. Thanks for the judges for taking time out to score all of these.

@Potty: Are you saying if we played scissors-paper-stone, but we used fire and water instead, that your water would beat my fire? And what would the hand symbols be for those? :rugby: 

@TerryD: :love_heart:  Thank you for your kindest of words. You've made my day.


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## The Thing (Aug 24, 2012)

Thank you to all the judges for the helpful feedback. I would just like to ask Fin (well, anybody can answer, really) something about his feedback:

What is a run-on sentance, and can you give me some examples from my story? I have heard the term before, but I don't know what it is.


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## Jeko (Aug 24, 2012)

Well done to KyleColorado! I did better than I expected, since I never write humour.

Bit annoyed about the spelling errors. I need to get better at proof reading.

Thanks to all the judges for their feedback and for getting to know my friend, Gunlord.


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## Nemesis (Aug 24, 2012)

> What is a run-on sentance, and can you give me some examples from my story? I have heard the term before, but I don't know what it is.



It's a sentance composed of what should have been at least two complete sentances.


Exp:

I ran down the hall and then up the stairs and I saw a man standing there, he was very creepy. Is a run-on.

I ran down the hall and then up the stairs. I saw a man standing there; he was very creepy. I how it should read (more or less)


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## Deleted member 49710 (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks very much to the judges for their hard work and congrats to the winners - there were a ton of great entries in this one, I thought.

Don't take an allegorical prose poem to a fiction fight, is one lesson, maybe.


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## garza (Aug 24, 2012)

Fin - My early training and most of my work experience have been with two kinds of writing, the old inverted pyramid for newspaper, and the narrative article or essay for magazine. My story is of the magazine article type, but lacks the intended title which would have added a sort of introduction and made the story easier to understand from the start. 'Look up, the sky is burning' is a line from an old union solidarity song and was my working title, never intended to be the final title. In the midst of editing the story I settled on 'The Attack on San Estevan' as the final title, then forgot and filed the story under the working title. 

In this sort of narrative the series of events must carry all the weight of generating any emotional reaction from the reader. I'm not a real fiction writer yet, so I don't know how to embellish the narrative with the kinds of key words to generate sympathy for the kids killed in the school or the babies burned up in their homes. 

The bit of dialogue at the end was the first bit written. The narrative was written to introduce the dialogue. The speech tags are unusual for me and were not in the first draft. If you've read many of my other stories you'll know that I'm fond of telling a story and developing characters through dialogue alone and that I normally use a bare minimum of speech tags. I this case I felt that the tags added emphasis to the words that were spoken. 

You say, 'Give me something to hold on to', and that is what I'm working toward being able to do. I'm not there yet, but maybe one day I'll give you that handle you want in a story. Thanks for giving _me_ enough comment for _me_ to 'have something to hold on to'.

HkayG - Do you really find this kind of story about real life morbid, or tragic? And yes, the voice was that of a narrator, a reporter filing a story about another mutual atrocity in an uncivil war. The description of the fire spreading came from watching villages of thatch houses burn to the ground. The conversation, though, is pure invention. I'm glad you liked both. Thanks for your comments.

Potty - My old notebooks have to take the place of imagination. Everything in the piece is typical of what happens in that kind of situation, though it is not based on any one particular incident. As el comandante said, 'In this war no one is innocent'. 

Terry D - The bit with the woman's scream gave me a great deal of trouble in deciding exactly how to present it in a realistic way. It began as 'A woman screamed, ''the children'' '. (changed in the final draft to 'our children') But the comma after 'screamed' wasn't correct. The scream in such a case will almost always start as pure animal sound, wordless and in itself frightening. Then after a few moments of silence will follow some voiced exclamation. I wanted to somehow separate the pure scream from the words, so I hit on using a full stop after 'screamed', then allowing the fragment 'Our children.' to stand alone. Unfortunately I never changed the terminal punctuation so the closing inverted comma remained before the full stop instead of moving outside the full stop. You are the only one who noticed this. I follow Fowler in placing inverted commas where they logically belong. If the quote is included in a longer sentence, then I put the closing quote mark inside. Otherwise it goes outside.

Panades has been a fully adopted English word for some time now. It's the only word there is for what it names, sort of like rodeo and lasso. As for Guardia Nacional, I suppose you are correct there, though I've always felt, and been told by certain editors, that using slant-face type for such expressions is pretentious. The literal English translation is National Guard, but readers in the U.S. would misunderstand the kind of organisation I'm talking about if the English were used.  

'Nearly but not quite journalistic', you say. What you are seeing is the difference between a newspaper story and a magazine article. And the effect, again, is from observation of what happens under different circumstances and writing to meet the needs of different kinds of pulblications. 

Thank you so much for saying the story 'captures the essence of the truth', and thank you for noticing the closing of the circle. The fact is that both sides in that horrible war lost all respect for human life.

All of you had some helpful comments, and all your comments have been added to my 'so they say' file to help guide me as I try to master this problem of writing fiction.


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## helium (Aug 24, 2012)

Fin- I was trying to make a distant alienating character. He might come off as lacking personality because he has difficulty understanding people. I also tried to make him optimistic and skeptical. In the doctor conversation, he was questioning things about his own intelligence. I tried a more blind optimism in the stretching scene, to show how his cancer doesn't get deep into his thoughts.

HkayG- I'm glad you liked the descriptions. In the ending the intelligence factor didn't develop because I was trying to connect his weird condition to the sun and moon's weird behavior. I was trying to make the sun and moon symbolize his confusion and the strange phenomenons.

Potty- Grammar mistakes usually slip by me because of my delusions. I need to put more time reading it with fresh eyes. The child is weak. I was trying to make him seem blindly optimistic, and also confused with his surroundings. Like how routines can feel sometimes. The ending was my favorite bit to write because I tried mixing funny, sad, and randomness. Glad you liked it.

Terry D- I always forget how to present dialogue. There are many different ways I see it done in stories, I should look up the official rules. The tone was underplayed, but it was done for a distancing emotion. I do write my stories with equal effort, but when I was writing this one, I had the strangest experience. It was like my head was in space, about to explode. I'll see if I can rework this piece, I tried yesterday, but the story pulls me away.

Thank you all the judges and contestants, all the stories and critiques were very provocative.


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## Kyle R (Aug 25, 2012)

Hooray! 

Thanks to Potty for organizing everything and posting the critiques and scores so quickly. Also a round of applause to Terry for stepping in with such short notice!

Congrats to Bilston and Garza, great stories! Everyone else, too. I'm reading them all again. It's fun to see how differently everyone approached the theme.

Fin - Sorry about the confusion with the partner. I meant for it to be a surprise reveal, that she was actually dragging him the whole time, but I forgot the most basic rule of reveals: there should be some hints in the story that the reader can look back on to see! I forgot to put in the clues. *slaps forehead*. I'm glad you liked dying with Abigail, otherwise. Lol. Thank you for reading and for your critique and feedback. Cheers!

Kay - Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the different aspects of Abigail's struggle. It's encouraging to hear that you liked my entry. Now that I think about it, the prequel may have made a more rivetting story. Lol. Hmmm. . . *ponders* Good job on your first judging round, too. Nicely done. Cheers!

Potty - I'm glad you liked this one. Sorry the reveal at the end was a shock. I agree that it may have been better to remove it. I didn't adequately set it up for it to be a satisfying pay-off. Lesson learned! That's what I like about these LM's--the feedback from the judges always helps me learn more about the craft. Thanks for the critique and the encouraging words. Cheers!

Terry - Thank you for the extensive feedback, it's very helpful. I agree Abigail wasn't really explored beyond her immediate goal of survival. I recognized that, with dismay, after I posted it--how it was more of a surface suspsense rather than a moving character study. But your comment helps reinforce that mindset (that revealing a character is more than just surface conflict). I'll make up for that in my next entry, you'll see! Thank you for judging at the last minute. Nice work. Cheers!

I also agree that the reveal of the partner was a bit jarring. I didn't adequately set-up that reveal with hints along the way. Something to learn from. As for the oxygen mask, it was meant to convey he had an ailment that required assisted O2 intake, not to imply that the atmosphere was thing. The story was meant to be Abigail's attempt to save him. When she realizes she can't, she knocks away his mask, essentially suffocating him, rather than letting him get eaten alive by wolves. That fate she accepts for herself.

Nice work again by everyone. Every entry had something that I liked about it. Great prompt.


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## bazz cargo (Aug 25, 2012)

Congratulations to Kyle, Bils and Garza
Thank you to Fin, Terry, HKayG and Potty for finding time to give us the works.

This has been my first proper entry for some time, and it was quite a challenge.

@Fin,  glad it worked for you. The three foolish men are less characters and  more part of the plot. They represent the gate keepers who are there to  preserve the world against those who would exploit it. Only they have  been dazzled by 'Father' and took his pieces of silver. They failed in  their duty.

@ HKayG, congratulations on a first rate first judgement. I'm impressed. After I wrote this I felt like there was a novel behind it. Maybe one day.

@Potty,  650 words is a tight space for any complex idea. That is part of the  brilliance of the LM. I thought I would get marked down for not being  funny.

@Terry, as always you bring a scalpel to the judging. I  used to read a lot, time is now so tight my reading has become a distant  dream. I remember how simplistic novels are. That is what is so special  about this place, a proper training ground. You are a very good  teacher. Thank you for taking the time to help, not just me but, all of  us.

@Competitors, every time I read through the LM entries I am  reminded of just how much talent there is out there. I am proud to hide  amongst you.


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## Terry D (Aug 26, 2012)

Congratulations to Kyle, Scott and Garza, those were three terrific stories.  I've read each of them several times and enjoy them immensely.  The range of styles and approaches to the prompt this time around was remarkable and everyone brought something great to the table.  It was a pleasure to be a judge.


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## HKayG (Aug 28, 2012)

I have to say I enjoyed judging everything very much.  The different stories that come from one prompt is amazing.

Good job to everyone!


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## TheFuhrer02 (Aug 29, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners: Kyle, Bilston and garza, as well to all the participants. Again, sorry for not making it to the deadline of the judging, so... yeah. Anyway, here's what I managed to save from the document where I placed my scores and comments. Tried to rush the judging about three-four days ago? But I was told that I was already past the deadline so I closed the document and forgot to save the other comments I entered that day - sad since I finished about seven entries that time... *shrug* Oh, well, here's what's left of the document.

[spoiler2=My would've been scores and comments - incomplete]​[spoiler2=For Terry D]*Title: Rockjunkie@Twitter**By: *Terry D
*Total Score: *16.5/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. There are a lot of grammar errors, but of course, that's the point of this story, isn't it? You've set the thing on Twitter, so not much grammar problem to be focused here. Loved some of the acronyms and chemical shorthands. Nice touches there. :thumbl:

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. The language and tone you've use is perfectly befitting the character. And, as I've said, this was Twitter-fied, so no problem in that. You got the sotry per paragraph and the voice to it, and 140 characters or less. -- Yes, I checked. All below 140 characters. I would've given a score of 4/5 in grammar and spelling if it wasn't. X\'D

Effect: 6.5/10 - The use of Twitter was cool, but it kept distracting me from the story at hand, especially in the beginning. I know, this should be like that Bram Stoker approach in Dracula, only moernized and in less than 140 characters, but I felt like some details were missing. A good ploy, though. Really enjoyed this one, Volcano Man![/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For The Thing]*Title: Constantine's Epiphany*
*By: *The Thing
*Total Score: *14/20

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors. Apart from a few subject-verb agreement misses, like "Tell my loyal men what that sign mean (should've been 'means')", not much problem with grammar. Made the reading very easy.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. Tone is archaic, but simple and easy to read. I like it.

Effect: 7/10 - A cool retelling of Constantine's sign, and a sort of nudge towards the Christian faith, portraying Constantine's omen as a "funny thing that happens when the sky is burning". Whether or not you meant this is not a problem. I was still amused by that connection. Apart from that, you didn't exactly offer much else. Some conversations could've been omitted, but nothing big. Overall, a very well-written piece.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For Helium]*Title: Funny Things Happen When The Sky is Burning*
*By: *Helium
*Total Score: *12/20

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors. A few nits here and there, particularly on the use of punctuation. The conversation could've gone in separate paragraphs, instead of you compressing it all in one.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. Interesting tone you used here. I can't help but feel like it's a child speaking, narrating to an older guy, retelling how his day had gone. Really relaxing, allowed me to read the whole thing fluidly.

Effect: 5/10 - The famouse Japanese anime character Doraemon once said, "Don't offer cupcakes if you won't be giving them anyway." That's what I felt here. The premise was there. The cancer. The way you introduced it was nicely done. The smartness thing, I attributed to the childhood of the protagonist, and how he must've been imagining these things. How a child would react to such a disease. It was all spot-on, until I you all cut it off with a gesture towards the moon. It didn't make sense. Were you saying that he actually had his IQ increased? What's with the conversation with his mother? A lot of questions were raised inside my head in the head I was forced to just shrug and feel weird. You got this one, I really believe you do. I suggest you pick up with the first paragraphs. I sense something coll will come out of this if only you had more liberty in length! :thumbl:[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For garza]*Title: Look Up - The Sky is Burning*
*By: *garza
*Total Score: *17.5/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing. Apart from that lack of exclamation point when the mother screamed, "my children".

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. Narrative was complete, but unforced. Details were described... how should I put this... systematically.

Effect: 8.5/10 - garza, You've pulled another one yet again. The way you had the bombs explode in rapid-fire succession, told in a matter-of-factly journalist's voice, seemingly with no emotion, followed by the brutal killing of the children, followed by that last line, "maybe the children." Wicked, Mr. G. Wicked. Very well-penned.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For Arcopitcairn]*Title: Funny Things Happen When The Sky is Burning*
*By: *Arcopitcairn
*Total Score: *17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing. It was just that, plain old writing. Nothing fancy, nothing I saw that was off, SPaG-wise.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice was so simple, and yet it hid that dark plot. Really disciplined of you to do this. It adds a cold touch. :thumbl:

Effect: 9/10 - It started rather mundanely, I have to admit. Then it was the sex, which definitely got my attention. Then it was gone, all the more grabbing my attention. Then the guy's callous statement about rejection, and that one hit me like a freight-train. All boiled to this? Certainly made me smile in the end. A rather sinister twist. I loved it.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For lasm]*Title: Oneirexia*
*By: *lasm
*Total Score: *13/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing. Nothing too extravagant. Simple yet effective.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. It actually sounded ominous at times. Its rather weird, like you were hinting at an impending doom every two sentences or so. "Dreameaters" have rather scary roots in my country, so that might be it.

Effect: 5/10 - The beginning got me for sure. Something was definitely exciting with how you began with "Dreameaters" and the dark halls, and the roaming in tandem thing. It sound really scary and thrilling, then I was swept into a new scene, one with the dinner, and the verbal exchange, and the emotions, and the credit card... At that point my brain said, "Time out. So what were we reading again?" Trust me, I re-read this a lot of times, and I still can't get it. You end it with almost the same theme as the beginning, and while the feeling was once again there, and the hook was once again there, my confusion dampened my exhilaration towards this piece. Honestly now, could you explain to me what happened with your entry? I can't help but wonder what to story is all about. I'd really appreciate it if you did enlighten me. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For KyleColorado]*Title: Gray Tail, Orange Sky*
*By: *KyleColorado
*Total Score: *17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. The italics, the numbers, the jumbled words pertaining to the nearing loss of consciousness... all was spot-on in my point of view.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. The way you told it had a sense of urgency that wasn't imploring me to run, but rather to sit back and accept the fate that would soon take over me. It was something like that. Sorry if I'm sounding like an dramatist here but I'm just typing as I feel it, and that's what I feel. It was a feeling of surrender, and it befits your entry. I like the voice you used. Nice.

Effect: 7/10 - Protagonist on the verge of death, in pain or in some sort of medical alert, add in another source of death also on the verge of hitting the protagonist straight on, and on top of it all, the protagonist accepting his fate. I've heard that plot a lot of times, but you've managed to reel me in nonetheless. From the first sentence, I was already hooked, and the protagonist's hasta manana declaration sounded really... in a lack of a word, emphatic. Some details, like the intro of Gray tail, was a bit of a blur for me. I'm sure, with 50-80 more words in your pocket, you could've nailed that part. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=For Primrose]*Title: Maybe the Sky Really is Falling*
*By: *Primrose
*Total Score: *19/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing. Basic and orthodox. You've kept it square. Neat. Not SPaG errors, as far as I know.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. Into the mind of the madman, and in a voice so... bizarre, psychotic even. Ever heard of Nietszche's "Madman"? You should try to get a copy of it. Really nice. Its like that, a rather philosophical, erratic, insane narration. You got me there. Really good.

Effect: 10/10 - This is so gripping, I had to give it the perfect score. You see, I have this unfounded reluctance to give a perfect score in anything I rate. Sure, I may give it a 9.9, but never the full 10. But this one, I simply had to do it.[/spoiler2][/spoiler2]


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## Terry D (Aug 29, 2012)

I appreciate your comments, Fuhrer.  Rockjunkie is an experiment I'm not likely to try again.  I actually hate 'leetspeak' and have never actually seen a Twitter feed, but you are right I did work at keeping each entry under 140 characters.  Once the idea hit me, however, it had to be written.  The volcano exists, and the guardian dragon legend is part of Icelandic folklore right down to the swarms of reptiles and amphibians.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks for your comments, Fuhrer! Very useful, and I appreciate the effort you and the other judges put into reading. One of those things that was very clear in my head but apparently it's opaque as hell everywhere else. 

Since you ask for explanation: If I had to sum it up in a sentence, I'd say it's about wanting to chuck everything and run away.

I'm curious what associations the dreameater has for you? I wasn't aware of any other usages of the term but I didn't look too hard.


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## bazz cargo (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi F2,
good to know you are okay.


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