# Kin



## Leyline (Mar 15, 2009)

**Removed*

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## Leyline (Mar 15, 2009)

*doublepost*


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## Leyline (Mar 15, 2009)

Ok, first draft + spell check. Interested in clarity or lack of, places and ideas that could use expansion and any constructive comments anyone might have. I do realize that the MC is a bit intelligent and poetic-leaning for his age. Ditch the age, make older or...?

Thanks in advance for any help. 

-G.


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## The Backward OX (Mar 23, 2009)

The lack of response to some stories is something I don’t understand about this site. There is all manner of rubbish posted here and in Workshop and the small-minded folk come out in great numbers to drool over it, but an excellent and well-written story like this gains no attention.

Maybe it’s just luck.

Yes, you might be correct about your MC’s age. On the other hand, it didn’t bother me. I’m an old fogey and kids today seem to be getting older younger.

To my mind there’s nothing to fault. I’d leave it alone. But then I read it as a reader. Let a pointy-headed writer get his or her hands on it, it might be a different story.


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## Leyline (Mar 23, 2009)

Ox - 

Thanks for reading and the comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the story as is. I wrote it quickly and enjoyed the writing. I was just flat out sick of every single zombie story being an excuse to wallow in nihilistic doom n' gloom. 

I wrote this for a semi-prozine contest that claimed they wanted something 'different' in the zombie genre. They didn't even bother to send me a 'No thanks' letter. The story they eventually picked was technically a good tale and an enjoyable read, but had absolutely nothing 'different' about it. Maybe the idea of an optimistic zombie story is just too different. Or maybe it's just not a zombie story without graphic gore. *shrug*

I was wondering myself why this story was ignored when my half-a-story in the Workshop got almost immediate attention. I think it's probably because the more ardent critiquers hang out in the Workshop more often. And, I have to admit, I'm not the most ardent of critiquers myself, and this forum has never kept secret its 'gotta give to get' policy. I just need to get on the ball and start paying back those nice enough to spend time reading and commenting on my stories.

On that note, anything in particular of yours you'd like me to look at? Or just pick at random?


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## The Backward OX (Mar 24, 2009)

Leyline ~ 

I was going to say there was nothing current, then thought, "What the heck." Depending on whether you prefer dialogue or narrative, you might have a look at one of these.

More comments on the first one (the dialogue) could help, as it may eventually form part of a longer work. One problem might be that it's written in Australian English, maybe not altogether easily decipherable by an American.

The second one also suffers this blight although not as much. It isn't going anywhere long-term, and was meant as a laugh.

http://www.writingforums.com/writers-workshop/106122-go-crap-your-hat-1000-words.html#post1249371

http://www.writingforums.com/writers-workshop/106242-twos-company-1760-words.html#post1250706


Cheers.


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## SevenWritez (Mar 24, 2009)

I stopped reading when it turned into a zombie story. I just don't like the genre. 

You as a writer I've been keeping tabs on, though, since reading your recent LM entry (it's my favorite entry so far) really piqued my interest. I suggest moving this to the Writer's Workshop. You're likely to get more responses there.

And OX: It's probably because there's not enough emotional melodrama. If you look back at some of the stories here and at Writersbeat that have sustained popularity beyond the two day norm (and by that I mean stayed near the top) you'll see most have some sort of emotional strin running through them. Sparky's Feel a Thing had a girl with a gun yelling at people about her bad life; SingPhantom's The Veiled Lady was...well, it was drama drama drama.

But yeah. More melodrama, more success. My two cents, anyway.


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## BoredMormon (Mar 24, 2009)

I liked it. I almost stopped reading cause it was Zombie, but it turned out to be something different, which was good. I think you need some sort of hint about the zombies being rational earlier. Maybe have some ultra lowlife humans who help the zombies oreintate themselves and attack other humans? In return the zombies don't eat them. Just a thought.

I do like the premise. Kinship is stronger then death. Kind of cool.


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## Tom88 (Mar 26, 2009)

Pardon the brown-nosing, but you have a fantastic way with words.

The story that topped yours must've been something special.

I've no qualms with this piece, it was a unique take and it worked for me. 
I'm certainly keen to check out your other stuff. Kudos.


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## Brendan M (Mar 26, 2009)

This is excellent.  I particularly enjoyed the connections... ironically.  :smile:


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## R.J. (Mar 27, 2009)

I enjoyed this piece. It was well written with few awkward sentences or parts.

The living and the dead existing in harmony? It wouldn't have worked without the family angle, which you executed nicely, I thought.

It feels like there is obviously a back story to these characters and their world and I was interested to know what happened next, which is always a good sign for a writer.

I did have one stray thought when reading the ending - the young man 'passed out' then came to and was able to lead the zombies on.

If it wasn't for the family angle, I could have sworn that he had been turned into a zombie and didn't know it. He was able to lead them because he was one of them.

You then go on to explain that he is indeed living and the zombies integrate into their community, to the chagrin of the living family members.

Anyway, I thought the twist was going to be he was turned into a zombie and didn't know it, which would have been an interesting perspective.

Has anyone written a popular novel that looks at the world through the zombies eyes instead of the fleeing and fighting humans? I'd be keen to know how they executed that perspective, considering how cliche the genre has become.


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## Leyline (Mar 28, 2009)

Seven: I'm thinking of expanding this piece and writing two more stories in the same world, loosely modeled after my favorite Jack Vance stories: _The Dragon Masters_ and _The Last Castle_. If and when I will put them in the workshop. 

Bored: Glad you kept reading. My own conception is that the risen become more rational as time passes -- having been 'born again' they have to grow up again. As I said, I wrote this for a contest with a strict word limit. Since I lost there's nothing stopping me from expanding on it, one of the reasons I asked any readers what areas needed to be expanded on.

Tom: Happy to hear the story gave you a few minutes enjoyment -- that was what it was written to do.  I try to keep entertainment first and foremost in my mind when I write. I simply do not buy the idea that subtext or style or social criticism, etc. precedes entertainment. There is nothing wrong with intelligent, stylish entertainment bursting with subtext and meaning, of course!

Brendan: Thanks much. One of your pieces is on my (now very large) 'To Read & Crit' list. The main problem with this site is that there's so much worthwile stuff that I spend most of my freetime reading, and what little left over responding to people who comment on my stuff. I have some free time coming up in the next few days, so I'll try to get crackin'. 

R.J.: I sort of think it wouldn't work without the hillbilly aspect. LOL. I've never known any culture so viciously family loyal than my kin. I've never come across a story that used the plot point you mention, but I have not read very deep into the genre. I don't tend to care for it much myself, as it's usually nothing more than an excuse to strike nihilistic poses and depict gore. Neither are my thing. You're right, though. That would be an intriguing POV.


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## seigfried007 (Sep 18, 2010)

Firstly, I loved it. It's nice to see the finer qualities of hillbillies. They have a certain honor and charm that is in fiction typically abandoned in favor of xenophobic squeallikeapigness.


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## garza (Sep 18, 2010)

Ox - There is a good reason why some pieces do not draw immediate responses. It's genre. The writing is, of course, excellent. But I'm one with SevenWritez. Zombies turn me off. Down through 'I was twelve when people started dying' I thought I was going to read a story of clan warfare, a reality in the setting of the story. I stopped reading when I got to the zombies.

So please don't be harsh with those of us who simply don't appreciate some kinds of stories. Leyline's writing can stand on its own, and for those who appreciate zombie stories it is no doubt entertaining and does not need for me to say it's good. 

On the other hand, when a young writer with some obvious writing ability but with an equally obvious lack of understanding about the real world attempts an ambitious piece of work and fails, he deserves an offer to help regardless of genre, even if he does not appreciate the offer.

Leyline - Your opening is up to your usual level of craftsmanship - very high. You capture in just a few lines the concept of kinship inherent in the people who inhabit those hills. Pleas excuse me for not liking zombies.


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## Vorrec (Oct 1, 2010)

I loved it. Absolutely did. If this was a book, I'd buy it within the week. I have no problems with it except one...the characters are all likeable, I thought, except the main character. After reading your story, I have a very flimsy mental image of Tyler. Also, I find him (I'm assuming him to be a he, since you give little clue except the name) to be a way too young. I think his maturity level is not eccentric, but rather, his language and fluid depictiuon of events. After reading the word "fourteen", I felt that he was a little out of place, especially when you use the word 'commander' near the end of the story. Perhaps if you added a few years to his age...I don't recommend taking out the detail though, as I think my image of the character would collapse completely if that detail was left open. Also, I felt like when I read through three quarters of the story, I was missing out on details. The flow was great but near the end I started wondering where the "now" was, as it seems like a long-winded summary instead of some part of the story having more significance than others.

On the other hand, I absolutely loved your concept. It's fresh and new, something people without a fanaticism for zombie stories can enjoy as well. I liked the juxtaposition of kinship with living vs dead. It makes a very effective theme and gets the audience thinking. There's an underlining that is deeper than most similar stories and your writing style is clear and easy to read, which pulls the reader in without effort. Your introduction of characters was realistic and prepared, and you really made use of the first person perspective to make your first few paragraphs very effective and inspiring.

You've got me hooked now. I will be looking out for more of your work. Are you sure you don't want to continue this one? =)


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