# June 2014 - LM - Choose a Song -  Scores



## Fin (Jul 4, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Choose a Song


A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, thepancreas11, stormageddonand Bishop for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*thepancreas11**stormageddon**Bishop**Average**Dictarium*1616.51716.5*dvspec*1414.751715.25*J.T. Chris*1415.51514.83*InstituteMan*13151414*godofwine*1612.51514.5*Erik Fantasia*8131211*Arcopitcairn*12161514.3*Ephemeral_One*13151414*Elvenswordsman*12151313.3*W. Goepner*1314.51514.16*TylerMartin*1015.51513.5*Pandora*1315.751815.58*amsawtell*15171816.6*CosmicGhost*11111412*Pidgeon84*1614.51515.16*midnightpoet*17181316*Hitotsmami*1512.51514.16*Pluralized*19161416.3*J Anfinson*2016.751717.91*Kepharel*16171616.33*apple*14201315.6*Virye Lerben*15111413.3*astroannie*14151615*kilroy214*19141817*Plasticweld*1411.51312.83*Ari*1919.751517.91*garza*19162018.33*EmmaSohan*1518.751415.91


In first, we have *garza* with his entry *McRae County Man Charged with Arson.*
And in second/third, we have a tie between *Ari* and *J Anfinson* with their entries *Shout* and *Handsome Devil.*




Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=thepancreas11’s scores]

*Dictarium
But He Did
Overall: 16
*


Courageous story, Dictarium. I don’t know if you did your research on me as a judge, but you must know how much I’m attracted to innovative and creative stories and styles. You just Memento’ed the LM challenges, and for that, I give you my admiration and respect.

I subtracted points for the punchline ending, first and foremost. The punchline traps the writer in this corny space where material the likes of which you described really becomes less poignant, to me.

I also took points for the kind of blurry nature of that second paragraph. I understand where your head’s at here, that it’s supposed to be a little too confusing, but couple that with the idea that we haven’t quite gotten the hang of the style yet, and it’s an absolute headscratcher. My suggestion is that you put something in the opening that indicates the nature of the coming style.

A little clean up, and I could see something this talented published.


*dvspec
Leaving
Overall: 14
*


A very touching story. You brought up some very interesting emotions, delved into some real fears here. I would commend you most on your ability to incept an idea into my head…I hope I never have to go on military leave. I could see something like this happen, and I thought the open ending did a lot for the emotional world you built here.

Watch your spelling and grammar errors. The very first paragraph had a couple. Also, I found some odd sentence structures that could be dealt with if you maybe read the piece out loud. When you read a piece like this out loud, you can often tell when something sounds unnatural because it feels strange to say.

It felt a bit flat, too. I very rarely advocate dressing up the language, but in this case, I would say, don’t be afraid to throw in some very specific verbiage to create more specific reactions. In the same vein, don’t be afraid to include more action and less psychology. Actions truly do speak louder than words.

Something to be proud of for sure, just a little lacking in the execution of the idea.


*J.T. Chris
Let’s Live For Today
Overall: 14
*


Well, first, congratulations on your very first entry. I can tell already that you have staying power here. Your character work resembles a very experienced writer, creating a stout profile of just about everyone in the wedding. In doing so, you paint a scene vividly attuned to the strange and curious world of your main character. I have no trouble placing who she is and how she got there or really why she does what she does…

For the most part. I took the most off for the kind of muddled effect here. I just have a hard time believing that the realization would hit her that hard at her own wedding and not sooner, and that the husband or her friends would be too preoccupied to notice her absence. Maybe I just haven’t been to enough weddings, but the logistics of it all…just didn’t have the taste of realism that I think this piece needed.

Also, be very careful not to overuse the “to be” verbs. They weaken your piece by introducing a passive-style voice. Active whenever possible.

Lastly, in a piece so small, I’d encourage you to focus more on the plot line so that you can get more of it out in explanation.

Still, heroic effort for a first timer. I already await your next month’s entry!


*InstituteMan
Turtles all the way down.
Overall: 13
*


One of the truest entries to the song and the theme. I had never heard it, but listening to it really enhanced your little snippet here. I’ll admit you lost me a bit before I heard Mr. Simpson, and I took some points for that. I’m not sure that the imagery quite holds up on its own, something uniquely I was looking for as a judger, perhaps, but I just think some of the metaphors and so forth could have been a little clearer in standalone mode.

Thematically, you drive a very interest bargain here. I thought the strongest part of your piece came with the Biblical College lady and the way that she kind of clashed with the message she was portraying, a kind of hypocritical prophet, of sorts, a real impressive symbol. I wanted more cause and effect out of your MC’s actions, more of a reasoning behind them, but she stood out as really well done.

In the end, it fell flat for me because there appeared to be gaps between segments, choppy in its delivery and its style even. I think with about a hundred more words, you could have made a narrative poem out of this worth its weight in words.


*godofwine
Night Moves
Overall: 16
*


A really down-home, feel-good story brought out of this kind of nostalgic angst. You play with a lot of different character motivations here in such a short period, but you never really stray from your original intent to establish love and loss and link the two in their inevitable, unending circle. Really a touching story, if I may say so. Devilishly close to that winner you’ve been looking for.

The exposition at the beginning ruined it for me. I would have loved to see you paint the picture of him in that car, maybe carry some thoughts in his head rather than read the reveal straight out. I think in providing some narration, it became formulaic rather than the nuanced and intricate you might have wanted.

In 650 words, you might be using a few too many of them up with extraneous details, the repetition of the Night Moves song, something I’m keeping in the back of my head as they go anyways because of the nature of the competition and also that beginning section. Also, that last line felt thrown in, trying to conclude quickly knowing your limit, but it really didn’t bring much to the table.

I rather enjoyed this story, God. I can tell you’re getting a better handle on this competition.


*Erik Fantasia
Iris
Overall: 8
*


Really, my big qualm here is that it’s too short. You have a good thought here, maybe even a good flash fiction, but not enough of it has come together at this point for me to render it whole, and for that I docked you points.

I have never really been a fan of overly metaphoric or poetic language, either, and I find a bunch of that here. So much floats above my head, that I get lost, I have nothing to stand on, no concrete, durable plot points.

Honestly, turn this into a story twice the size with a bit more realism, and you’ll be flooring people with it.


*Arcopticairn
Jigsaw
Overall: 12
*


Quite an ambitious piece, if I may say so. I’ve heard somewhere never to try and write about memory loss unless you’re confident you can keep all the facts straight yourself. I’ll commend you on that. Nothing really gets lost here. I also thought you did a magnificent job of bringing eerie images to the scene, be it the blackbird, the sandpaper hands, or the doll in the cooler. Very unsettling stuff.

I docked for several reasons, the greatest being the kink in the middle with the gender identity thing and the ambiguous ending. I think that little factor, not knowing their own gender but somehow knowing the father really kicked the reality and suspension of disbelief out the window for me. From that point on, it read like a Salvador Dali painting almost, and I don’t know that that has quite the same effect as a visual representation would. I also think that ending didn’t really resolve or answer anything. I’m all for open endings, but I believe they should accomplish something to further the mind of the reader into the future of the story. This one kind of falls back on an old habit, rather than pushing forward.

Watch the repetition too. The part with the bird had some really reused words.

I don’t know that something this intense and intriguing works in such a short frame, but I think expanded it would have quite an impact.


*Emphemeral_One
Seven Devils
Overall: 13
*


Quite the mastery of language here, E_O. I enjoyed that first half with all the imagery, the setting, and this sinister man. I thought you did a magnificent job of putting together a scene, of executing a mental picture for all to see. I don’t see much in the way of grammar errors, and I believe this piece to contain one of the strongest consistent voices.

However, I don’t see what motivates this character. I don’t know really what’s happening either. I think he’s the devil, then a vampire, then some jilted servant, then he’s…he’s dead maybe? I don’t really know. Ambiguity really plagues your piece to the point where I wish you could have used more words to tell the story.

Explore some more cause and effect, more character and object work, and you’ll make a great story.


*Elvenswordsman
Home
Overall: 12
*


A little bleak to be honest. I thought you got caught in that first section with too much exposition even though I felt the story a bit unclear. I think flash fiction begs to be a single POV area, or if you want to draw the two together, you should see some intertwining going on.


*W. Goepner
Lucille
Overall: 13
*

You started off really strong. I thought that the initial movement in the scene made it move quickly. You do a great job of setting the where in the scene, and even the character in the scene. The small amount of interaction very well defines who these people are and what kind of state they’re in in life.

You lose me with the second story. I’m not sure exactly what he said, to be honest. What was he upset about? Was that his family? Really, your character motivations could have been even stronger to clarify the story. Sorry I misunderstood whatever you were trying to portray.

Also, I think you should be careful using gerunds and modifying phrases. When every sentence has a precursor phrase, it loses momentum. Sentence structure generally works for the purpose of moving a story by providing a pretty regular rhythm. Given the intense amount of modification, that rhythm really pales here.

I want to know more about these characters, I really do, I just wish I knew more about the why part of it all.


*TylerMartin
Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?
Overall: 10
*


While well written and entertaining to read, I found this story a little too close to the source material to give it much. I think this kind of thing would be better served in the Colors of Fiction Competition.


*Pandora
Day by Day
Overall: 13
*


Great delivery. I can see that kind of speech, that kind of floundering coming from a girl in her position. I thought you really made good use of the song choice, and I think you had guns and stuck to them. I appreciate the moral dilemma that permeated throughout, the way you kind of hit it hard toward the end.

I honestly wish there was more plot here. You don’t really have a story so much as a diary entry, the feelings and whims of a girl in trouble, but never really the solid idea of who, what, where, why that I expect from a narrative. As great as it is, the character work here really trumped the action.

Also, I think some times you stretched the limit of assumptive reasoning, being that you include lines that clearly have meaning to you but that stand out as being kind of unfounded to someone outside of you. A very common mistake, but one that really needs to get the cleanup.

Be aware of your tenses. They change several times here.

I remember writing a short story with this theme once; a tough go, if ever I had one, but worthwhile, certainly.


*amsawtell
Another Button Undone
Overall: 15
*


Cool, ethereal feel. The parallel between the biblical snake and the sexual assault…really well done…not something I would have thought of, for sure, but certainly heavy on the imagery and strong as a metaphor. I appreciate the commitment in writing a story with such delicate subject matter in such an upfront and kind of triumphant way.

I hate to say it, but for me, the scene read very clichéd. I feel like I know this douchebag character with the spiked hair and the strange sense of confidence, which is good because of the whole relatability thing, but it feels too familiar. Why these two characters? Why now? What new take can you bring to this source material? I think speaking out against this kind of stuff is important, but it needs a bit more power.

Also, don’t be afraid to gussy it up a bit. Simple generally is better, but don’t be afraid to use some complexity in the intricate parts of the scene. I would have loved to see a few more interesting sentence structures, something to break up the constancy.

I applaud you for writing a moving piece on a very deep subject, something that I definitely gave you points for.


*CosmicGhost
There is a light that never goes out.
Overall: 11
*


A very creative story. I commend you for the risks you took here, as often, the flash fiction story can draw out some clichés. You built a great setting, and you gave this strange world some strict rules, a good way of framing an uncommon environment.

You did, however, employ the passive voice too often for my liking, and that coupled with the lack of specific character names gave the whole story a really flat vibe. I couldn’t associate with your characters because I couldn’t interpret the voice sometimes.

Also, the Pentax is a camera, I’m assuming? That’s the only time I’ve ever heard that word before, and if so, you might use just a bit of clarification here. A word or two to let the reader know. Otherwise, the story is quite vague.

I would like to see a bit more motivation behind the movements, maybe some more character development. That’s what I took the points for.


*Pidgeon84
The Other Side
Overall: 16
*


Pidgeon, I wonder why you don’t write more for us here on the forum. I find this piece attractive and pleasant, and I can’t put my finger on anything I would advise to you to change on a whole scale. For a flash fiction, you got through an entire plot, resolution and climax, you delved into a theme with pretty strong results, and you gave voice to a character.

I can’t quite put my finger on what I took points off for, to be honest. I know that it wasn’t quite a 17, and to defend myself on this, I’ll say, I felt no real effect from it. I wish it had more weight, more depth. You flash through the images so quickly, I never really capture the beauty of it. You don’t quite spend enough time on the character development or the theme.

Also, you have some grammatical errors and a few repetitive sections. My pet peeve, multiple conjunctions in the same sentence might be what knocks you down from a seventeen on this one.

All in all, a fantastic effort. Probably some of the best writing I’ve seen in the competition, just a step below that perfect realm.


*midnightpoet         
Fortunate Son
Overall: 17
*


Perfect through the first half, even with the lack of physical action. I got character, motivation, and direction out of simply dialogue. Not an easy thing to do. I know that it’s occasionally hard for people to keep track of lines of dialogue that aren’t tagged, but I think you did an exceptional job of separating out the voices.

The ending…could have been better. A sweet twist, one I never saw coming given the father’s personality, and a little unclear as to exactly what he meant when talking to the Senator. I read it the second time through and understood, but I took points for the lack of initial clarity. I also wish it sounded more natural. You definitely forced certain things into the dialogue at the end to show what he meant, things that people don’t normally or naturally say in conversation.

Really good stuff though, poet. I have tried to do this before and paled in comparison.


*Hitotsmami
Nemo
Overall: 15
*


Tremendous start out of a writer I expect big things from. A little rusty in the prose, naïve in the story, and clumsy in the finish? Yes, all of those. Could have used some polish, a reread or two to catch some mistakes, but nothing major or too evil.

I wish you had some character names. Sounds silly, but having names really does wonders for a story where things kind of swim around a bit. You want to show grounding, establishment.

Other than that, though, you could easily win this competition if you keep submitting.


*Pluralized
Always
Overall: 19
*


Of everything I’ve ever read of yours, this is by far my favorite. Writing in a jointly first and second person, a kind of memoir to the fallen comrade, I can’t believe you held me so captivated. Usually a scene where the most important person is missing loses its luster because you want to hear more about that person, but in this case, it’s that ever-looming presence that really makes the character shine.

I took off a point only for a couple of wonky sentences, but otherwise, perfect. I think you could have rearranged the power pellet part and the Zach and Tom part too.

What really makes this stand out, of course, is the resolution, the nostalgia of it all. I have been droning on to the other poor contestants about finding a story in 650 words, and here, I should have just pointed them to you.


*J. Anifson
Handsome Devil
Overall: 20
*


A hoot from start to finish. Clean prose, very exciting, very entertaining. I have seen a lot of people take a crack at Lucifer, but never this convincingly. I wish I had something to criticize, but in 650 words, I couldn’t do any better than this.


*Kepharel
The Long and Winding Road
Overall: 16
*


I enjoyed the twist ending. I didn’t see that coming, thought it might be a bit sappier, but you ended very strongly. My favorite stuff came in that relatable and very poignant exchange between him and her. It really spells out the feeling that people have at reunions, doesn’t it?

I wish I could have gotten more of it. You suffer from telling and not showing. For all that explanation that you have at the beginning, you could have had more of the exchange between Arwen and Delyth. I would have given you more points had you done so.

Watch your passive voice too.

It would have allowed you to be subtler and to come to a build up while characterizing Arwen and Delyth more. I would have loved that story. As it is, I liked this one anyways.


*apple
Dark Hell Swarm
Overall: 14
*


I see your talent everywhere I look in this piece. You write cleanly and consistently both in voice and out. I can’t pick anything out of the beginning that didn’t belong there, so kudos to that. You build great worlds, great characters full of strange and fascinating things. Even if I didn’t really get it, I felt the impact.

The problem being, I didn’t really get it, though. You don’t really make a good case for you character motivations, in my eyes. I kind of understand the ending and why she’s so strange, but the rest felt mostly cloudy and clumsy, without the kind of direction this story deserved. I felt a lot of what you wanted to say didn’t quite come across here. More specifics would help you out.

Good stuff, but next time, more plot, and you’d do better score wise.


*Virye Lerben
Pull Me Out
Overall: 15
*


A uniquely sweet story…unless the ending is very much different than I’m picking up. The idea that one is lost but never truly forgotten reminds me of some of my favorite stories. You put a nice tip on this iceberg, too. You don’t have to make a story about separation a depressing one.

I will say that the nature of his incarceration and the nature of their continuing relationship would have been good things to include in the story for background sakes. An exposition, not necessary, but some grounding is usually for the best.

You have to be careful about getting too far into the head in a piece like this. 650 words are better suited for a little more action than this. Monotony generally presents as the antithesis of the flash.

Not bad though. I would like to see more entries from you going forward.


*astroannie
Roads to Moscow
Overall: 14
*


Packs a punch in the poignancy department, that’s for sure, but I think it could have packed more in other places. The setting…not too fully explored. The character…not quite that deep to me. The exposition gets a bit heavy for such a short piece, even as poetic as it is.

I guess I’d like to see you use a little more descriptive language or dialogue in a piece this short. I’ve never punished anyone for using fewer words; trust me. However, those words really need to be the best for something short. Everything gets magnified otherwise.


*kilroy214
Long Coole Woman
Overall: 19
*


God, this was complete. I know these guys, even if I don’t know that many FBI agents. I just saw their faces, their auras, the relationship that stood between them. They had great depth to them. No wasted word in the whole of their interactions.

The plot, for such a short piece, shook me senseless. I didn’t know one could make something that exciting with so few words. I would like to tip my hat to the man that did that so well. Great scot, I could handle another story with this much plot and that kind of resolution.

I took a point off for a couple of wonky sentences. One, be careful how you use the word “but” such that the first and second phrases contradict one another completely, and two, try not to use too many “as”s in one sentence.

You should totally judge the next one, by the way. You’ve got the hang of it.


*Plasticweld
This is the End
Overall: 14
*


No short of creativity here. You went out on quite the limb with this one, a murderous brother with a penchant for revenge using his skills to con the elder into signing over his fortune. Quite an interesting little jam, if you ask me. 

If anything, you need to watch you tenses. They switched quite often and made the story difficult to follow. I would urge you to make clear delineations between the present and forays into the past rather than this kind of swimmy hazy stuff.

If you have to explain the situation half way through, you might want to change the plot of your story as well. If you find that a bunch of lacking details don’t come out until it’s almost over, you really should think of restructuring. The unfortunate thing about reading is that you do it from left to right and top to bottom. It’s not a go back type of thing, you know?

The story was good enough to put it on the map, but not quite good enough to get you in the medals for me.


*Ari
Shout
Overall: 19
*


I don’t think I’ve ever given this many high scores, but boy did you deserve it. For the second time in this competition, I have to say that even though you spend most of your time talking about an “off scene” character, I feel that presence, or perhaps lack there of with such force that it moves me alongside the story. You build such a strong character profile of this missing person, I can forgive the usual sin of talking about a third person.

Now, I took off for the excess use of “tune” which didn’t quite fit the aura of the piece, and also for the fact that we don’t really know what happened to her. You make it seem as though you’ve answered how she died, but you haven’t. It’s okay to leave out the Cause of Death, but only if you don’t want to play it up as integral to her character. Apparently, she’s on some kind of downward spiral? Did that take her? More specifics and you had it.

Great stuff. I want to see more from you going forward in this competition.


*garza
McRae County Man Charged with Arson
Overall: 19
*


Way out in left field in terms of approach, and for that, I can only offer my congratulations. Honestly, you do some marvelous work here, setting up an entire conflict and then snatching that away from me before I can anchor my feet. I thought you were going in a totally different direction before that ending.

If I would criticize anything, I wish that the beginning part would have been a narrative portion rather than a police report. I personally find reports like that to read like syrup, maybe because I’ve had to read too many scientific papers in my time doing research.

Obviously, you know what you’re doing. I don’t need to tell you how to write anything. I could learn a few things from you.


*EmmaSohan
Assignment
Overall: 15
*


A second unorthodox and amusing read in a row. Two very strong entries giving this otherwise done-up competition the dress-down. Screw the rules, right? I want to write about climate change and the way it really parallels this stupidly catchy song about a natural disaster. Well, unto you I dole my finest compliments in giving life to a strange mix of voice, lyrics, and what appears to be a diary.

I must scold you of course for including what clearly amounts to mostly non-fiction writing. I took off the majority of the points for this crossover nature, one that I think might be too in between to really belong in either of the competitions but which has flare and deserves recognition. Sorry to be a stickler.

I must add too that the organization lacked what it needed to bring this story together. Especially at the beginning, it’s very difficult to justify the need for the rambling.

Aggressive and attractive, but a little under the weather. Come play again?

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=stormageddon’s scores]


1. Erik Fantasia
"Iris"

Overall: 13

Spelling/Grammar: 4.5

A few typos.

Tone/Voice: 3.5

You set the tone well. You have a very distinctive, interesting voice, but it could do with a little more developing as sometimes you stray towards cliches. It's also very melodramatic, which can be overwhelming to a reader if not mixed in with something less so, even something as simple as a bit of narrative that extends beyond the character's thought process.

Effect: 5

The story might be quite powerful, but is written in a way that does not do it justice. The first and third paragraphs, though nicely worded, read like summaries of what might very well have made this great. You have presented us with a character, but not brought one to life. An important question to keep in mind when writing something character focused: why should the reader care about the character you have created? Pity is not enough; we need to be able to empathize. You have clear talent, but need to focus on your execution.

I suggest you show us some setting (your similes and metaphors have me thinking you'd be good at descriptions), and some action, just to show there's a tangible person beneath all that thought. Inject a little more life into it; inner torment is interesting and powerful, but rarely on its own. I'd like to see you write something longer, because your brevity often limits you.

*

2. Arcopitcairn
"Jigsaw"

Overall: 16

Spelling/Grammar: 4.5

Comma splice: "He looked exactly like Santa Claus, startling white beard and hair"

Tone/Voice: 4

Good overall, but in the odd place, your phrasing lessened the impact of the content, for example, "It was perched on a counter close to the door and it started to caw. It cawed at him; it was looking right at him with its dead black eyes. " The repetition there didn't work for me.

You used some very pleasing words, such as "gimcracks" and "smorgasbord", which added a nice little touch of character.

Effect: 7.5

Wonderfully weird, and well written. The sort of "wtf" story where no explanation is really required. I wasn't sure whether I liked it to begin with, because I was looking too hard for an explanation. Once I stopped doing that and just accepted what was happening, I thought it was great.

*

3. Ephemeral_One
"Seven Devils"

Overall: 15

Spelling/Grammar: 3

Several instances of run-on sentences, some minor punctuation whoopses, and a mis-spell. An example: "Stairs lead up to the second floor, I walked..." A full stop would serve you better than a comma after floor, and "lead" should be "led", or it's a tense slip.

Quite a few slightly misused words, and lack of clarity in your meaning here: "Her pallid complexion telltale matched with dark lines under her eyes."

Tone/Voice: 4

Occasional wordiness and odd phrasing got in the way here.

The words of Mark Twain, as quoted to me by a wise member of these forums: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

If you had put an extra hour or two into editing, considering your word choice more carefully, I would have been blown away. As it was, I was constantly frustrated by sentences that were almost beautiful, but had just the wrong word in what ought to have been just the right place. An example of this: "Nostalgia covered my gaze".

You got it just right in phrases like "a symphony of silence".

Effect: 8

That was pretty awesome. Good pacing, interesting stuff going down. I can see a great storyteller in you; a little work on your phrasing, and you'll get there.

*

4. Elvenswordsman
"Home"

Overall: 15

Spelling/Grammar: 4

Minor issues here. Tense slips: "My heart stopped" and " never got easier" - the rest of this section was in present tense. And here, "that which lays before me every day" lays ought to be lies.

"He's been in pc" pc should be capitalized, I feel.

Tone/Voice: 4

Consistent and fitting, but could have had more flair, and you used the odd cliche. The repetition of "with you back in my arms" fell flat for me; it felt a little overdone.

Effect: 7

I felt there was something missing from this, but I'm not sure what. Maybe it's my shrivelled heart preventing me from feeling the full effect of the story, rather than your writing. Overall, well written and engaging.

*

5. W.Goepner
"Lucille"

Overall: 14.5

Spelling/Grammar: 3.5

Some oddly placed or missing commas, a couple of typos, a tense slip ("he has never seen"), and a misused semicolon: "She; chose to walk away" perhaps, "She, who chose to walk away"?

Tone/Voice: 4

You used just the right tone for the piece, though the prose could do with some more polishing to really bring it out.

Effect: 7

Overall, it was a nice little piece, and flowed along well. Good writing, just in need of a polish. The final paragraph was too brief for my liking, which was unfortunate as it was what ought to have tied the whole piece together.

*

6. TylerMartin
"Do you wanna build a snowman?"

Overall: 15.5

Spelling/Grammar: 4.5

Where narrative follows dialogue without the involvement of dialogue tags, one ought to begin a new sentence. There was also a typo.

Tone/Voice: 4

Consistent and smooth. You set a simple, childlike tone without dumbing down your prose. A touch of wordiness in the final paragraph, after the first bit of dialogue.

Effect: 7

It was a very well written piece, but like the song, there didn't seem much purpose to it. If you'd chosen a more interesting song, this score would likely be higher. Alternately sweet and sad, with hints of mental illness coming in at the end; I liked it.

*

7. Pandora
"Day by day"

Overall: 15.75

Spelling/Grammar: 3.75

Misuse of snarling in "snarling her young face". Several tense slips (or weird usage of tenses that confused meaning).

Tone/Voice: 4

Some wordiness, and a paragraph near the end where it changed for effect, but didn't quite do it for me. On the whole, fitting and intense.

Effect: 8

Very evocative. Your writing allowed me to see beyond my own opinions on the matter addressed, and that is the mark of a skilled writer. But you switched between tenses in a confusing manner, and had the odd inconsistency.

*

8. Amsawtell
"Another Button Undone"

Overall: 17

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 4

Interesting, suited the story very well. Had a "he did this, then this, then this" feel to it which on the whole added to the effect, but there were a couple of places it didn't quite work for me. Also, the odd redundancy (his mouth sucked vs he sucked).

Effect: 8

Interesting, well written, and really rather awesome. Sorry I can't say more.

*

9. CosmicGhost
"There is a light that never goes out"

Overall: 11

Spelling/Grammar: 2

This was a struggle to read, I'm afraid. You need a bit of work on your grammar, as there was a mistake in nearly every sentence.

Tone/Voice: 3

You built a decent atmosphere. Occasional wordiness, which you could work on. With improved grammar, I think you'd have had a higher score, but it got in the way.

Effect: 6

Nice hint of misogyny; it always makes for an interesting story (not sarcasm!). Your themes could have been more obvious, that's my main complaint. Most of the impact was lost in issues pertaining to grammar - it's difficult to see the story beneath clearly. What I could see looked interesting, though.

*

10. Dictarium
"But he did"

Overall: 16.5

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 4.5

Here, you said just the right amount, "At least the car still looked like a car." That somehow made the piece for me, it set the tone so well.

Effect: 7

I had to read this three times through to figure out what was going on - that seemed deliberate, but I couldn't decide if I liked it or not, so I went for the middle ground and gave you a 7. Might have been an 8, but you lost me in the ending. Something in the phrasing made me lose track of what was going on, and the last line should, in my opinion, have been kept as a part of the whole thing, to avoid seeming stuck on. That said, just a few minor changes and it would've been brilliant - nice work.

*

11. Pidgeon84
"The Other Side"

Overall: 14.5

Spelling/Grammar: 4

Typos, and a missing "the" somewhere or other. "I lied back" should be "I lay back".

Tone/Voice: 3.5

Great atmosphere, loved it. Found a cliche and a redundancy. Beautifully poetic, in places. In others, it read a little list-like.

Effect: 7

You had me hooked right up until the last paragraph, where the list-like phrasing distracted me from the story and its message. The story itself...I almost feel you grounded it too much in the second half. It began in an eerie, dreamlike fashion, and then suddenly everything felt solid, tangible, which jarred me out of the reflective place you'd lulled me into. I really hope you perfect this piece, because it's got some serious potential.

*

12. Midnightpoet
"Fortunate Son"

Overall: 18

Spelling/Grammar: 4.5

Typo! "You know it was just a last year"
“A girl, the doctors say.” needed a comma at the end.

Tone/Voice: 5

Perfect for the piece.

Effect: 8.5

"I want you to know that everything I’ve done, your family’s done, has been to brighten the colors on the stars and stripes" A chilling story about denial of truth, or I've completely missed the point. Either way, excellent job. Except for the reveal, which to me felt a little hamfisted, or overdone, or rushed, or something. The important parts of the story were largely kept as subtext until then, so I feel subtlety would have served you better. The last line brought it back again.

*

13. Hitotsmami
"Nemo"

Overall: 12.5

Spelling/Grammar: 3.5

Some spelling mistakes, such as, "whiney" instead of "whinney". "Stunk" should be "stank" in this context (http://grammarist.com/usage/stank/). There were also several places where you seemed to have a missing word, for example, "the figure of a stride toward me". More diligent proofreading would have saved you at least a point.

Tone/Voice: 3

If you find yourself using "and" more than once in a sentence, it's often a sign that you're trying to put too much into one sentence - either that, or it could do with a rephrase. Quite a few redundancies, like here, "“Can ya stand, Princess?” His voice was thick with accent." You've shown us he has an accent in the dialogue, so no need to explicitly state it.

Effect: 6

Very much felt like a snippet from a larger work, if an interesting one. You began with promise of death, and I almost felt cheated by the happy ending. Shifting tone so drastically in such a short piece may not always work in one's favour. You rescued it with the final line, but still, for a short piece, not a coherent enough story. You can get away with that if your work is carrying a strong message, but I didn't sense one here. So, interesting, amusing, and well written overall, but you left me wanting too much more.

*

14. Pluralized
"Always"

Overall: 16

Spelling/Grammar: 4

A tense slip in the fifth paragraph.

Tone/Voice: 4.5

Suited the piece very well, flowed along nicely. Mildly confusing phrasing from time to time: in the second paragraph, "not sure how you didn't die" closely followed by "you died" had me rereading. I also found the tense change at the end a little confusing, due to (what I felt was) inadequate transition. Perhaps if you'd simply started a new paragraph when you switched to present?

Effect: 7.5

A great story. I think most points lost here are my shrivelled heart coming into play. Wasn't sure if it was depressive brain ranting, or a diary entry, or a letter to a dead person, or something else entirely - that didn't need to be shown or even set, but the way in which it was written wasn't entirely convincing for any one of them, not to me, at least. I found that mildly jarring (very mildly).

*

15. J Anfinson
"Handsome Devil"

Overall: 16.75

Spelling/Grammar: 3.75

"Sometimes a little destruction did wonders" I felt "did" should be "does" as it appears to be a thought, and thoughts are usually in present tense (in my brain).
"their head on a pike" heads on pikes, methinks.
Comma splice: "The Prince of Darkness didn’t actually need them, it was all for appearances."

Tone/Voice: 4.5

Fit the piece wonderfully, though didn't feel quite as strong in the first part as it did in the second. This is a very small thing but: "and it tumbled" I think "and tumbling" would have fit much better.

Effect: 8.5

This has me wondering what your relationship with your wife is like. Anyway, I love what you did with the song, and I love the story. It certainly appealed to my feminist side, and was very amusing. Well done. I almost felt a bit of the dialogue was off, but changed my mind when I recalled that nobody speaks like a writer (except Stephen Fry).

*

16. Kepharel
"The Long and Winding Road"

Overall: 17

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 5

Fit the piece well. You use almost perilously long sentences, but I'm a fan of the long sentence. Sophisticated, polished writing, with just the right word in just the right place throughout.

Effect: 7

Brilliant - heading for full marks until it began to feel rushed/details felt skipped over towards the end (from "I kind of recognised" onwards). The ending itself was cliched, I hate to say. Something that would have worked well in a longer piece, but felt a bit of a cop out in a flash piece, due to the inevitably rushed delivery. Please please please consider turning this into something longer; if you put the time in, I can see a great short story coming out of this. And I'm a horrible person, so wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it.

*

17. apple
"Dark Hell Swarm"

Overall: 20

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 5

Very creative, fit the piece perfectly. First time I've enjoyed a story in second person.

Effect: 10

Brilliant writing. Wonderfully creepy. You set the atmosphere with skill, and captured Cece's character and voice very well. The scene really came to life before me (perhaps more than I'd have liked it to!). So good, I'm struggling to think of anything to say.

*

18. Virye Lerbern
"Pull Me Out"

Overall: 11

Spelling/Grammar: 3

In the first paragraph, "shined" should be "shone", "mans" should be "man's". Later on "winded" should be "wound". Besides the odd similar thing, there are places you ought to add a word or two for the sake of clarity; that, or you've used slightly the wrong word.

Tone/Voice: 3

A fair bit of extraneous detail, and some wordiness. While voice was fairly consistent, it felt a little unpolished, and neither fitting nor unbefitting, especially. You set the tone well, but I think much of what you wrote could be trimmed down/cut entirely - next time, make sure every word counts. In a flash piece, if you can cut a word without changing the meaning of a sentence, it's probably an extra word.

Effect: 5

Creative use of the prompt. I'm not too sure what to make of the story, namely because I couldn't find one. It felt a scene rather than a complete story, and not an especially impactful one, though interesting. A good thing to ask yourself when writing flash fiction: have I told a complete story? If not, have I made a profound point of some sort? You set yourself up for the latter very well, and then failed to deliver.

You did set the atmosphere very well; you have the ability to be evocative, you just need to give a sense of purpose to your work.

*

19. astroannie
"Roads to Moscow"

Overall: 15

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 4

A poetic edge to the prose. Fit the piece well, but some unfortunate repetition (winter used twice very close together, though with a slight tweakage of phrasing, I might have coped with that). Felt a little cliched in places.

Effect: 6

The trouble with writing something very brief is that insignificant imperfections can become very jarring; the story has to be perfect. I suppose it's like poetry, in that sense. It ended just as I was becoming immersed in the it, so I think my main issue with it is simply the brevity. The tongue-swallowing part felt particularly brief to me; it immediately brings strange and unpleasant images to mind, as well as having the potential to distract the reader ("how on earth can you swallow your tongue?"). Because you didn't dwell on it, but I was forced to, it felt out of place. Strong writing, but too brief to engage me, perhaps because you leant too much on the song for contextualisation.

*

20. dvspec
"Leaving"

Overall: 14.75

Spelling/Grammar: 4.75

Two typos in the first paragraph. ("to late" and "cancel")

Tone/Voice: 4

Good pacing, fitting voice and tone. Though if the narrative had been closer to the inside of Gail's head, I feel the piece would have had more impact.

Effect: 6

I can't bear romance, unless it's the "old married couple" sort. I really can't, and that's my failure as a judge, not yours as a writer. Overall, the piece was well written, and to the right audience, I imagine it would be very evocative. Unfortunately, I just don't get this sort of stuff.

*

21. kilroy214
"Long Coole Woman"

Overall: 14

Spelling/Grammar: 4

Improperly tagged dialogue. “Let’s get a drink.” He shouted >> “Let’s get a drink,” he shouted
Several run on sentences.

Tone/Voice: 3.5

Consistent voice and good tone, but most of the piece's personality was tucked into the dialogue - since the narrative comprised about half the story, I think you could have done with a more interesting narrative voice.

Effect: 6.5

Tense and amusing, but not quite enough of either, is my main complaint. That alongside the narrative not having as much flair as it could've is what cost you here. The prose could do with a little more polishing (run ons, run ons!) but was good overall, and it was certainly an interesting story. I liked that you "showed" the setting rather than explicitly stated it.

*

22. Plasticweld
"The End"

Overall: 11.5

Spelling/Grammar: 3

Lots of comma splices. "Stunk" should be "stank" in the sixth paragraph. Some typos in the third to last paragraph, and be careful how you use "but".

Tone/Voice: 3

Your phrasing took away some of the drama from the dramatic bits, and you spent too long on the exposition for a story of this length; I found it jarring.

Effect: 5.5

The makings of an interesting story, once your grammar's nice and polished. The main things that got in your way were those already mentioned - none of them are especially difficult to fix, but most are very distracting from a reading perspective. I felt Bub gave in a little too quickly, but I think that was a phrasing problem, rather than dodgy pacing. The repetition of "sure you will" was an excellent touch.

*

23. J.T. Chris
"Let's Live For Today"

Overall: 15.5

Spelling/Grammar: 4

A lot of tense slips; I get the feeling present tense is not something you're accustomed to, but I could be wrong there.

Tone/Voice: 4.5

Good flow, and fit the piece well, but a slight tendency towards cliches.

Effect: 7

Well written aside from the tense slips. The pacing was good. Nothing wrong with the content so far as I can judge, just not the sort of story to really grab me, as helpful as that is to say. Looking forward to reading more of your work in the future; you're clearly a strong writer.

*

24. InstituteMan
"Turtles All the Way Down"

Overall: 15

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 3

You tended towards wordiness in this. You also switched between a formal, somewhat literary voice and a conversational, more colloquial one fairly randomly. Seemed done for comedic effect, but if so the transitions were off and it missed the mark for me.

Effect: 7

I loved the vibrancy of the world you built in that little fragment of city, and the people there. That the vagabonds and the righteous seemed one and the same. The satirical edge, and the meaning portrayed. A story that, with some more polishing, could be very handsome indeed. I think it could've been a little more focused on the main message, is all I'd say.

*

25. Ari
"Shout"

Overall: 19.75

Spelling/Grammar: 4.75

The only thing I can fault, much as I don't want to fault it: "Tentatively, he sets the guitar aside." I felt tentatively was the wrong word here.

Tone/Voice: 5

Perfect. You never wasted a word, or tripped me up with careless phrasing.

Effect: 10

The second one to blow my mind. Your prose is beautiful, your ability to tell a story woven with meaning exceptional. Very evocative, very well written, and I reckon you have a very bright future ahead of you.

*

26. Garza
"McRae County Man Charged With Arson"

Overall: 16

Spelling/Grammar: 5

Tone/Voice: 5

You achieved what you set out to here.

Effect: 6

The way you chose to tell the story made it difficult for me to connect with it. The journalistic approach distanced the characters and made empathy of any sort very difficult. Potential for a great story, but I feel you ought to have played up the human-ness and breathed more life into the characters - you've got the "this is what happened" but not the "this is why you should care", if you see what I mean. I'm not actually sure if I'm meant to be amused or depressed right now. I suggest that, when you use this style for fiction, you simply forget your professionalism. Great writing, though, in terms of the actual words.

*

27. EmmaSohan
"Assignment"

Overall: 18.75

Spelling/Grammar: 4.75

Missing a "the" in the first paragraph.

Tone/Voice: 5

Perfectly fitting and convincing.

Effect: 9

Interesting use of the prompt, great content. A powerful, creative way of getting a message across, and a clear structure, which is always nice. Overall, very well written. If I had to make one suggestion for change, it would be to address the beginning to Mr Stone as well as the rest, for the sake of continuity. The ending line was a lovely touch of satire.

*

28. thepancreas11
"Control"
Judge's Entry

Hmm...an idea that could easily have been adapted to suit "alien mating rituals". I wonder if that was intentional? I really enjoyed it, Panc. Strong, polished writing - I couldn't find anything wrong with it at all, which makes me very sad. I hope you'll be building something larger from it. My only criticism is that for an LM entry, I'm not sure it feels complete enough happenings-wise to get top marks. You picked just the right voice for the story, set the tone well, and I am fascinated by space, so points there, too. You would've had two fives and a seven for effect from me.

*

29. godofwine
"Night Moves"

Overall: 12.5

Spelling/Grammar: 4.5

Comma splice in the second sentence. Typo (left left the store together).

Tone/Voice: 4

Fit the piece, flowed well. Missing flair, though.

Effect: 4

Well written overall, but there didn't feel any purpose to the story, and it's difficult to have much impact on a reader without it. It read as a man reminiscing about his time with a woman. That's really all I took from it. I couldn't see why it was relevant to the story, and to be honest, I couldn't see the story either. If you were trying to say something about the human condition, you missed the mark. If not, then it simply wasn't a story I could find engaging as a reader or a judge.

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Bishop’s scores]

Erik Fantasia:


"Iris"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


Found one spelling error.


I feel like this piece was too distant for me to actually have any concern for my narrator. He summarizes a tale about a girl, he tells me how he feels, but nothing actually happens in the 'now'. There's nothing wrong with telling a story as a recap of the past, but nothing happened to spark my interest, and I knew nothing of this narrator's character so I didn't have much concern for him.




Arcopitcarin:


"Jigsaw"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


I like your voice, I like your writing style, and you have strong, but sometimes a little awkward imagery. What I didn't like was the ending. The shift in sex of the main character was very cool, an interesting take on personal identity, but I didn't feel like it was punctuated at any point, never driven home to an actual conclusion. I think the ambiguity and the abstraction are the intended effect of the ending, but with so few words to become invested in this character, its effect was lost on me.




Ephemeral_One


"Seven Devils"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Good writing, good imagery, interesting tale, but the vagueness was a detriment, especially in the end. Our main character's words are awkwardly phrased--and that kills much of its effect, because I'm not 100% sure if he's dead, coming to kill her, or he rose from the dead to protect her. 




Elvenswordsman


"Home"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


I'm afraid what really lost me here was that it seemed much closer to poetry than it did to fiction. It was like a single snapshot image that left me wondering what the story was. It was a nice image, but left me wanting a lot more. 




W.Goepner


"Lucille"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Some comma issues.


I feel like there was an imbalance of character. I understand that the woman is truly the focal point of the story, but I had literally no image of the man whose point of view this was from, making the last few lines hard to swallow. The prose was a little dry, and awkward in moments, but not bad.




TylerMartin


"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


A nice take on a tale that's quite popular right now. I liked your writing style, but a couple of paragraphs that sum things up about the two girl's relationship actually deter from your story quite a bit. You did a great job with just the dialogue (though a bit taken from the movie) to illustrate the divide, saying it again another paragraph in narration was just unnecessary. 




Pandora


"Day By Day"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Heavy, heavy stuff, but beautifully written. Obviously going to bypass my own thoughts on the subject matter for the sake of non-bias. Your story itself was great, gave me a good image, but I felt like the last couple of paragraphs rushed an ending. I would like to have seen just a teeny bit less showering and little more of the aftermath. But all in all, very strong piece.




Amsawtell


"Another Button Undone"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Great little read, had my blood pumping until she finally got rid of his sorry ass. I admit I was a little off-put by the biblical imagery, that no doubt comes from the song's influence. I think it deterred from your natural voice, which was better. Good work.




CosmicGhost


"There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"


SPaG: 5/5 
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


A good image, a decent narrative, but so very little character. I enjoyed the story--don't get me wrong--but I think it really would have been improved with even just smatterings of dialogue. As it is, it reads like the synopsis of a movie more than an actual story, and without something to give personality and voice to the characters, I'm left with little empathy or care for them.




Dictarium


"But He Did"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


I loved the narrative, loved the reverse quality to it. Very clever, very well done. No dialogue, which always takes a hit for me--little concern or care for the characters--but your imagery did a lot of the heavy lifting here and the closed, reverse nature of the narration didn't leave me feeling empty. One thing I hate, and took points off for... so many questions in the narrative. I understand the purpose, but I find that many of them to be so distracting and often leave the reader confused enough that they have to re-read the paragraph to capture the full meaning of them. Other than that, great work.




Pidgeon84


"The Other Side"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Missing period in second paragraph.


You do a nice job of setting up an image, and beautifully shift from it to other more cryptic ones, but I think I just failed to be moved by the piece. I feel like the blank "I" of the piece deterred somewhat. I would have liked an emotional connection; maybe he sees a vision of a dead loved one on the other side, maybe he finds faith in some sense. It lacked that kind of development, and while the imagery was great, I think you could have done more with character to make it superb.




Midnightpoet


"Fortunate Son"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG issues jumped out at me. 


I find that the 'talking heads' method of story telling suffers greatly from expositionary dialogue. So much of your story was back-story, things I would have known in the narrative in a more lengthy tale, but because of the nature of the piece, it was poured out in dialogue. This made for difficult to believe characters. I feel like you drove home your point, but it was done with little tact, as a result. I also feel the story ends better on "Click." than it does on "Oh beautiful," but that's more of a personal preference.




Hitotsmami


"Nemo"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG Errors jumped out at me.


My issues with this story are in some of the telling vs showing. It's impossible to avoid in this instance, as you wanted to give backstory to a character we only see for a few hundred words, but by telling us about her failed love and defiance of her parents, I feel stale about it. Still, your imagery was strong, narration tight and driving, and I liked that a lot. My only other issue is the ending. While not exactly cliche, I dislike how it makes our princess seem so flat and impressionable. It would have been better to end on "Just that." 




Pluralized


"Always"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Good story, but a little dry for me. It's not the subject matter, so much as the narration. It reads like a eulogy, which is fine, but I feel like this story would have been infinitely more powerful with flashes of dialogue and imagery from the scene. Otherwise it sounds like a summary. Powerful descriptors of things like smell or taste would really give tactile sensation to the debauchery, and without it, the story left me wanting.




J Anfinston


"Handsome Devil"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Hah! Fun take on Satan.  Lost some points because I feel like the questions in the narration that he asks himself are a little obtrusive, and you had some run-on sentences that distracted me, particularly the opening one. Characterization was good, well written into the dialogue. I feel like the last line wasn't necessary; you showed us very clearly in the action that he was tamed, no need to repeat it.




Kepharel


"Inspired by: The Long and Winding Road"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10


Some comma issues, specifically, overuseage.


Strong tale, somewhat deflated by the length of its last few lines; shorter would have had more power and effect and left me wondering more. So instead of giving motivations and reasons, just that she had the abortion and couldn't live with it, kill herself. That kinda thing. The opening paragraphs also are a little feed-dumpy, but given the necessity of the information and the short word count, it still came out strong. Good work.




Apple


"Dark Hell Swarm"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 4/10


No SPaG issues jump out at me.


Wait. I thought I was dead? I feel like this piece jumps over the fence of reality, then jumps right back to the previous side, and it leaves the reader ultimately confused. Maybe I missed something in my reads, but it just left me with oodles of questions and little answers. It may have been your intent, but it still leaves me wanting. The imagery was well written, the dialogue fantastic, but it all fell apart in the lack of understanding.




Virye Lerbern


"Pull Me Out"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice 5/5
Effect: 5/10


Some comma issues.


Hm. I feel a litte tepid about this one. There was nothing wrong with it, but nothing really hit me hard. It was a nice snapshot into the man's prison life, and did a good job as coming across just as monotonous as his day would be in that place, but I feel like it lacked a pulse, or a problem. Maybe the conflict was simply understated, and that it was internal... but it seemed like just an image, rather than a story. Still, the prose itself was strong. Good work.






Astrannie


"Roads To Moscow"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG issues jumped out at me.


You had more words available to you, and I wish I you would have used them. Your voice was very strong, your character was oddly well fleshed out in such a short piece, but I really wanted more. I loved the shift in character toward the suicide, I loved the feeling I got from the way the narrator spoke... but I suppose I wanted more characterization of our narrator (despite it being strong already) and more of those around our narrator. Still, what you have here was well done, if a little lacking in background and a little too short.




Dvspec


"Leaving"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10


Cancel should have been "cancelled". 


Strong piece, good voice. I felt a good connection with the characters, though I wanted a little more atmosphere to connect the emotions. The kissing, while realistic, was a little repetitive, and with a bit more play on body language or sensory perception, this piece could have been even more powerful.




Kilroy214


"Long Coole Woman"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Love this little piece, my only issues are: why was he calling the D.A.? If they were there to arrest her, wouldn't they already have what they needed? I may just be behind in my police procedural studies, though. The other thing is that you jump the narrative in the break spots and I really think this story would have been served better without the pauses. I'm assuming you did it that way for word conservation, but I feel it detracted from the story. Either way, great work.




Plasticweld


"The End"


SPaG: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


Some tense shifting occurs.


The first person narration didn't do a whole lot for this story, and in fact made me find it tougher to believe. Mostly because his thoughts don't often relay the absolute pain of the situation. Torture is, after all, torture. And unless trained for it, people find it very painful (or, sometimes pleasurable, but that's obviously not the case here ~.^). I wanted to see more of his personal insights, as it stood the narration fell flat and sounded numb, like he was casually summing up his horrific experience. Their bantor sounded like brotherly bickering, but it didn't fit. If my brother were torturing me, I wouldn't be calling him by our pet names. Also, I think questions in narration detract severely from effect and just bring the idea of questioning the narrative into the reader's mind.




J.T. Chris


"Let's Live For Today"


SPaG: 5/5 
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jump out at me.


I really think the present tense killed the voice for me. I firmly believe this could have been stronger in past tense. In terms of effect, it just didn't connect with me. It might be because I feel like I've read this story many times, about the disillusionment of marriage and the strange intricacies of consideration against infidelity. What irks me is that the writing itself is superior to the story--even with the present tense. Where your writing ability is clearly strong, the story itself comes across as average. The characters, primarily, feel like stock characters: the frustrated wife, the sleasy bartender, the embarassing dullard of a husband, the war veteran uncle. While these types of archetypes are not necessarily bad to use, I didn't see any distinguishing characteristics in them.




InstituteMan


"Turtles All the Way Down"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Tone/voice was cryptic at times, which led to my failed understanding. I suppose I just don't have a clear enough image of the ending. Is he home? With his dog? Maybe I missed the point, but I feel like it could have been made more clear. It's a nice image, but offers little in the way of answers to these questions, which just left me wanting.




Ari


"Shout"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


This is a piece that I feel is like an image put into words. Like a painting that comes to life for a moment. It's good, but at the same time, I find it a little wanting. I feel like the song he wrote left me a little unresolved; I wanted to know more about that, more than what was given, especially given the "find the words" motif that is woven throughout. That was by far the strongest of the motifs, but you have so many in so small a space. Putting things on the piano, finding the words, silence as a fear... the image could have been greatly strnegthened by focusing on one or two (I'd go with things on the piano and finding the words) and forgoing the others, giving you more words to give me more narrative that interweaves her past throughout, rather than dumping a summary of her life at the end. 




Garza


"McRae County Man Charged with Arson"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Fantastic. I'm very down on the 'talking heads' style of narration, but you captured voices so well that it wasn't even noticable. The news report jumping into a court record, and finishing with a conversation, all of it zooming into the real issue. I will say, I disliked the numbering of the sections; that's the nittest nit I've picked in a long time, though. I can think of no way to improve this tale, so I'm forced to give full marks.




EmmaSohan


"Assignment"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


A stream of conciousness is tough to do, and I think you do a decent job of it. I still have a hard time with it, it's really not a style that I think tells a story very well; in your case it's necessary, though, as it's the core of the piece. Overall, though, it feels like a rant more than a tale, and while it does convey the anger and frustration over the planet intertwined with the anger and frustration of homework, it ended up coming across a bit too much like its narrator, ranting.




ThePancreas11


"CONTROL"



No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Had to read it twice to understand he was talking to himself at first, but I really enjoyed the piece. Kind of a classic twist, a good character to follow around, etc. I do feel like a little more suspense building up to the ending would have been a little more impactful, but overall it's a minor complaint stemmed from the word number limit.




Godofwine


"Night Moves"


SPaG: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10


No SPaG errors jumped out at me.


Not bad, but some of the things the characters did make no sense to me. I don't know what kind of relationship he had with his father, but it must have been pretty bad for him to be flirty and sexy the next day, but then again people deal with death differently. Still, it makes me wonder how his father's death plays into the story. I suppose it just feels a little dry as well, like I've heard this story before, but I suppose that's a danger of writing stories off of songs. In any case, the prose was good, but the story fell short for me.


[/spoiler2]


----------



## kilroy214 (Jul 4, 2014)

Wow! Congratulations Garza, Ari and J. Your stories were amazing. Thank you judges for your time and effort. I know it could not have been easy. And thanks always to Fin, for being such an awesome LM host. 


Good luck to all for next month.


----------



## Pluralized (Jul 4, 2014)

Congratulations, Garza -- much-deserved win for an excellent story. We can all learn from your tidy style. Ari and Anf - nice work as well. Many thanks to the judges who showed up and critiqued more entries than I've ever seen. Big thanks and great job all 'round.

Thanks to Fin also -- the chore of compiling these after herding all the various cats involved has got to be quite an undertaking. Hats' off my man. 

Happy 4th o' July, all! Onward to Stranger at the Door!


----------



## InstituteMan (Jul 4, 2014)

A big congratulations to Garza! Well done, Ari and J!

Judges and Fin, wowser, that was a lot of entries. I propose that future topics be less inviting, like maybe "the mushrooms of eastern Albania" or something.


----------



## Pluralized (Jul 4, 2014)

InstituteMan said:


> "the mushrooms of eastern Albania" or something.



Oh my God -- I love that prompt idea!


----------



## Ariel (Jul 4, 2014)

Congratulations, Garza.  Great job everyone!  I'm kind of looking forward to judging this month.  I always enjoy reading them.


----------



## midnightpoet (Jul 4, 2014)

Congrats to Garza and the other winners, and I appreciate the comments on my piece.  I had originally written another story, then thought of this one while walking the dogs.  Even this one at first had a much darker ending, and from the comments, maybe I should have stuck with it.  I really enjoy these, no matter the outcome; it spurs my creativity and keeps the mind active.


----------



## garza (Jul 4, 2014)

Thank you judges and everyone for your kind comments. It was a fun story to write, and I'm happy you enjoyed it. Thank you.


----------



## stormageddon (Jul 4, 2014)

Well done Garza, Ari and monsieur Anfinson~ and everyone else, for all your wonderful entries/scores/mad competition hosting skills. I think I speak for all involved when I say, thank God that's over v.v

I'm gonna be brave and welcome anyone who has any [tenderly phrased] questions about my judging to PM me.

Amsawtell, assuming I haven't completely misinterpreted your relationship, I believe you and Kilroy may have made the LMs first husband and wife judging duo o.o


----------



## J Anfinson (Jul 4, 2014)

Awesome win, Garza. A big thanks to the judges and Fin. Holy cow that was a lot of entries. From judging a few times I know it isn't as easy as it looks.


----------



## Pandora (Jul 4, 2014)

Thank you judges, I felt you all were very generous with my work. I take heed of your suggestions. Thank you for all your time spent too. Congratulations Garza, Ari and J!


----------



## garza (Jul 4, 2014)

Neglected to mention our good brother Fin
and all of the effort each month he puts in.
We see he's a worker
and never a shirker.
So type away all, let the challenge begin.


----------



## Dictarium (Jul 4, 2014)

thepancreas11: I totally agree with the "punchline" comment in hindsight. It would've worked better if it was implied via the title of the story. It was redundant.

stormageddon: As with pancreas, I agree with the comments on the ending. It's not necessarily a strong suit of mine.

Bishop: I ardently disagree that a lack of dialogue indicates a lack of interest in or development of a character. That is just nonsense. The questions I understand, but the dialogue criticism, to me, is silly.


----------



## Ariel (Jul 4, 2014)

Stormy, you got it right--sort of--haven't drug him to the altar quite yet.


----------



## Ari (Jul 4, 2014)

Wow.

Congratulations *garza*. Amazing story. *J Anfinson*, awesome story also.

*stormageddon*, *thepancreas* and *Bishop, *thank you. That was a heap of work you put into judging and writing critiques as well. Deducted points were all well justified and your compliments made me smile 

And *Fin*, for being the boss of the whole thing.

And thanks *Pandora*, *midnightpoet*, *kilroy*, *Pluralized* and *InstituteMan* for saying congratulations ^_^ It's the first writing competition I've ever entered and I feel ridiculously pleased about it.


----------



## Kepharel (Jul 4, 2014)

I don't usually like to comment too much on crits of my work, because they are honestly given by people who give their time to make these comps happen at all.  And a huge thank you judges one and all   The ending of the piece seemed to bring out the the most varied responses, from cliched, to being caught completely by surprise to, well, being a news feed presentation of a tragedy made on local radio.


The focus of the ending wasn't about Delyth's fate, and the paucity of the dialogue was not really about my running out of words to stay within the limit.  The dialogue of her fate was, in my opinion, realistically conversationally concise.  Rather, the focus of the revelation was on Arwen's unexplored, unspoken reaction and realisation of how a single act can affect two lives so differently. Additionally, how ignorance of fates untwined gives cause for a regret felt too late.  How that one act leaves a life untouched to carry on under the clear blue skies of success and happiness while offering only tragedy and death to another.


Well done Garza your piece was a thouroughly merited winner


----------



## Ephemeral_One (Jul 4, 2014)

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and glad they seemed to enjoy the piece and share my frustration at the word limits. Not that I'd change the contest, it's good practice for me, but I tend to be a.....verbose writer? 

The 'vagueness' came cause I didn't realize it till about an hour after I posted I'd accidentally cut out the explanation that the queen had poisoned her servants and he was initially coming as vengeance. Yet, when presented with the pathetic wretch he'd come to kill, he couldn't bring himself to end a life he'd watched over since his own youth. Just figured I'd explain since that was my fault at removing.


----------



## Hitotsmami (Jul 4, 2014)

This was my first time participating, but I'm really glad I did! I'm thankful to the judges for their honest opinions. I'll keep practicing!

And as well, congrats to garza! Well done!


----------



## EmmaSohan (Jul 4, 2014)

Well. I enjoyed writing my story, so thanks for having this contest. Then people took their entries seriously, making it meaningful. And thanks to Fin for organizing. Even the people voting for topics -- it creates real energy.

Judges! Thanks for volunteering your time. It meant a lot when they liked something. And the one judge who didn't like my piece -- I probably learned the most from seeing how someone could view my work differently from me.

So, just so no one views this differently from what I intended -- I really like these contests, I learn, and I appreciate what people do.


----------



## apple (Jul 4, 2014)

Garza,!!!! Ari and J Anfinson, congratulations.  I enjoyed them all.  Good work.  Thanks judges for a daunting task.


----------



## W.Goepner (Jul 4, 2014)

First to congratulate the top runners, Garza, Ari, and J Anfinson. I am glad I was not judge, there was too much for me to keep up just with reading them.

Second I am happy to see, I moved up in my abilities and made tenth place. A far cry from nineteenth in May. I misread and need to calculate my position.

For the judges, If you have not heard Lucille by Kenny Rogers, there is a link below.

I know I missed it somewhere, perhaps you can tell me where.

https://search.yahoo.com/search?p=k...=UTF-8&fr=chr-greentree_ff&ilc=12&type=198484


----------



## Bishop (Jul 7, 2014)

Dictarium said:


> Bishop: I ardently disagree that a lack of dialogue indicates a lack of interest in or development of a character. That is just nonsense. The questions I understand, but the dialogue criticism, to me, is silly.



To clarify: I am not saying YOU had a lack of interest or development, I'm saying I as a reader had marginally less interest because I didn't get as strong a feel for him as I could. Apologies for the confusion!

Anywho! Grats to the Garza man, and of course our runners-up, and thank you to everyone who participated for two things: your fantastic fiction and more importantly... your patience as I judged as quickly as I could!


----------

