# Intense character paragraph (Mature content)



## carlo19martin (Jul 23, 2014)

Which version do you prefer? I'm leaning to b) but don't want to make the character too unsympathetic. 

a) For the next half hour he didn't move from his position on the floor. Amid his fixation on White, he envisioned catching his fiancée's killer. He wondered what it would feel like to look him in the eyes. He fantasized about stabbing him through the heart with one of Ryan Richardson's knives. He reckoned he would use the red one. A sadistic grin formed on his face. 

or

b) For the next half hour he didn't move from his position on the floor. Amid his fixation on White, he envisioned catching his fiancée's killer. He wondered what it would feel like to look him in the eyes. He fantasized about stabbing him through the heart with one of Ryan Richardson's long knives. He reckoned he would use the red one. The thought gave him an erection - his hardest in years.


----------



## hamster892 (Jul 24, 2014)

I think it really depends on the tone you are trying to achieve with the piece as a whole. The sadistic grin makes the most sense. I can believe it. Popping a massive boner from a murder fantasy makes me chuckle, since I can't really imagine that happening to anyone. I haven't read the rest of the story, but I imagine its tone to be a serious one, probably with plenty of bloodshed to be had. So the humor might not be your best bet. 

But take my advice with a grain of salt. All I know about the story is what you've posted above.


----------



## Ride the Pen (Jul 27, 2014)

For one, it depends on the overall context:

Does it fit into your stories voice? If your story's style/voice is all nice and calm and suddenly option that "hard fact" comes along, your reader will be thrown out of the illusion.

Does it fit to your character? Have you hinted on that he is capable of having a reaction like this?

Also, it's not the erection itself that will determine how he is perceived by the reader, because we can't decide about our erections. It will rather be how he himself _reacts_ to his erection! Is he ashamed to get horny about stabbing another man? That will certainly earn him the reader's sympathy. Is he wallowing in it, loving it? That will certainly have the opposite effect.

Overall, b) is certainly more interesting, so if you can pull it off like described above, go for b)!


----------



## Deafmute (Jul 27, 2014)

I would agree with the two people above. The description suggested the character is fantasizing about murdering someone, but out of revenge for the loss of his wife. though he may take pleasure in the thought of killing the man sexual arousal would the farthest thing from his mind, unless his issues are form more than the loss of his wife. If perhaps he was insane the woman wasn't his wife and he was actually the one who killed her and then raped her corpse then I could buy him having an erection at the thought of killing someone else. Losing someone you love can drive you to insanity but all insanity is not equal. The insanity should be appropriate and in this case I don't think it is. He could fantasize in vivid detail about how he would kill the person who stole his one true love. He could imagine doing horrific things to the man butchering him. If you want to add that level of shock value to the scene adding in a description of exactly what he will do to the man when he finds him can be every bit as disturbing as the line you posted while still being more believable.


----------



## Apex (Aug 6, 2014)

Not sure which version? Try this: Put both aside, and write in three sentences what the story is about. You may find that harder than writing the whole book. Once you have the three sentences that give a clear picture of what the story is about, ask this question, "What if?"


----------



## nerdybynature (Aug 14, 2014)

The sadistic grin is more reasonable, to get a boner from the thought of committing murder alludes to some serious mental issues and irredeemable qualities which work great for a villain. I'm not sure if that would work for a main character someone you're expected to root for, if this character is indeed the protagonist.  But I would need more context to draw a full conclusion. That's just my two cents


----------



## hollaatmegan (Aug 14, 2014)

I know that stabbing entails some sexual frustration that the murderer had, like stabbing is a very sexual-ly-related (?) way to murder. And so I just have a couple questions, I guess. Does this character get off on murder/murdering someone? Like is this a sexual release for this character? Or does he just wanna cause this guy that murdered his wife immense pain?
If your character gets off on it, then b. If not, then I'd go with a. 
(I'm really interested in your story, can't wait to see more from it.)


----------



## Sc0pe (Aug 15, 2014)

Well with the little I can go on I would say (a). But I understand that you don't want him to have much sympathy. How far do you want to go with that? Do you want him to be preserved as a sicko? Maybe there is some deep history between him and this man, Maybe he dose this often and it's become a habit, again little to go on on my side so i can only speculate. I would say you can get the effect you want with (a) but it would be interesting to see you pull it off with (b) and you seem to be leaning to that one yourself so I image that you have it all planed out to an extent and are happy with it so I will say trust your gut on this one and go for (b).


----------



## pudding (Aug 16, 2014)

I think as many others said it comes down to how you want to portray the character and his mental state of mind, as well as how demented he has become in the events following his fiance's murder. However, if I was reading this novel and came upon this specific paragraph, I have to admit (b) would probably cause me to become even more invested in the character.  Why?  I throughly enjoy strange, thought-provoking things.  I don't find the erection humorous, I find it intriguing and twisted, and that I like.


----------



## brarca (Aug 18, 2014)

I think Option A is the better choice. Unless your character is into some seriously weird stuff, popping a boner in that situation makes no sense haha.


----------



## Deleted member 56686 (Aug 19, 2014)

I'm guess I'm showing my age here but I'd go with the first one. I think it is better worded also.


----------



## Laughing Duck 137z (Aug 21, 2014)

hamster892 said:


> I think it really depends on the tone you are trying to achieve with the piece as a whole. The sadistic grin makes the most sense. I can believe it. Popping a massive boner from a murder fantasy makes me chuckle, since I can't really imagine that happening to anyone.



But it sure was funny. Well depending on your stories voice you can get away with the boner line but if not use B and swap the final line with A


----------



## gokedik (Aug 31, 2014)

*?*



carlo19martin said:


> Which version do you prefer? I'm leaning to b) but don't want to make the character too unsympathetic.
> 
> a) For the next half hour he didn't move from his position on the floor. Amid his fixation on White, he envisioned catching his fiancée's killer. He wondered what it would feel like to look him in the eyes. He fantasized about stabbing him through the heart with one of Ryan Richardson's knives. He reckoned he would use the red one. A sadistic grin formed on his face.
> 
> ...


Getting an erection from the thought of murdering someone suggests the pathology of a serial killer, is that what you want? And I would leave it up to the reader to tell you if the character is intense. Just a thought. But whatever you do, DO NOT STOP!


----------



## Gamer_2k4 (Sep 2, 2014)

As a guy, you should know better than anyone (well, better than the other half of the world) that arousal and satisfaction/excitement are two different things.  Your second paragraph makes the scene unnecessarily sexual, and reads like someone going only for shock value.

If, on the other hand, this is truly a mental thing (that is, he truly does get sexual satisfaction from violence), then perhaps you have something.  But don't use sexual arousal as the equivalent of "very happy;" it'll just read like a high schooler is writing it.


----------



## Morkonan (Sep 2, 2014)

carlo19martin said:


> Which version do you prefer? I'm leaning to b) but don't want to make the character too unsympathetic.
> 
> a) For the next half hour he didn't move from his position on the floor. Amid his fixation on White, he envisioned catching his fiancée's killer. He wondered what it would feel like to look him in the eyes. He fantasized about stabbing him through the heart with one of Ryan Richardson's knives. He reckoned he would use the red one. A sadistic grin formed on his face.
> 
> ...



I can't answer that question. The problem is that the two offers, while somewhat similar, are radically different in their effects. I don't know what sort of effect you're going for and I have no idea whether or not what happens is "believable" for the character. "b" doesn't seem to be very credible, if we're dealing with a "normal" character. Since I don't really know what sort of character you're writing, I can't tell you which choice is best.


----------

