# Solon Roan - Book 1 of the Creed Series (short/excerpt)



## cdr112 (Nov 13, 2015)

*UPDATED* The revised version follows the original.
This is a short excerpt of a group of short stories I've recently started on. Please offer critique, desperately in need of feedback. Thanks in advance. Chris


Solon Roan-Book 1 of the Creed Series

I. Descent

The pool of red spread under is head as his final breath escaped. His open eyes stared a blank stare into the ceiling tiles above him. He could feel strange hands pulling at him from every direction but not on his body. A burning smell crept into his mind but not through his nose. Screams from a thousand voices echoed in his head but not through his ears. The swirling black grabbed him by the hair and pulled him into the beyond. A dark void filled his already blackened heart. Hatred spewed from the bullet holes in his chest and head as the hands of a thousand demons pulled at his soul. A single set of powerful arms held him tight as he floated in the air. Weightlessness accompanied by pressure in his chest jarred him back to the land of the living, or so he thought. A slithering snake slipped under his chin choking him, then around his mouth like the gag he had used on so many of his victims. Just as the eyes of the infamous serial murderer known as Solon Roan began to gather a glimpse of Hell he fell unconscious. 

II. Mrs. Hargrave

"You got him!" Officer Vera said.

The dim light shown off the dark pool of red gathering at Detective John Creed's feet. The sticky thickness of death crept over him as the red touched his soles. His .45 still pointed at Roan had wisps of smoke slipping from the barrel toward the heavens. A few feet away lay the man he had followed, tracked and hunted for all those years. The trail of countless victims had grown through the years and taken a toll on Creed's soul. Everytime a new victim turned up he felt responsible and a piece of him died. Every angry father, distraught mother or shattered child had harassed him in his nightmares for the past ten years. He desperately hoped for a good nights rest.

"Yeah, I got him," Creed muttered. He knelt in the puddle and dropped his weapon. Tears from his tired, bloodshot eyes dripped into the lake of red darkness. Warmth poured down his left side as he collapsed. Sirens wailed in the distance.

Moments before, Detective Creed had single handedly stop the most sought after criminal of the past decade. He had hunted Roan for years and finally got the break he needed. An anonymous tip from a stranger led him to where he needed to be. Just as Roan's knife came to rest in the chest of Suzanne Hargrave, Creed kicked in the office door of the abandoned warehouse office. A moment too late to save the mother of three from her demise. 

Creed's pistol was trained on the elusive murderer as he drew his blade from between Mrs. Hargrave drooping breasts. Her naked body was bound to one of the wooden office chairs with a blood stained rope. A dripping rag wreaked of gasoline as it hung from her mouth. Petrol ran down her chest mixing with the blood gushing from between her tits and landed on her small potbelly that rested on her thighs. It ran the length of her legs and pushed its way onto the floor. The only color visible on the knife was the razor sharp edge. It seemed to move toward John's body before he could have another thought. It pushed in over and over as Roan grabbed at his throat. Mrs. Hargrave's blood, along with traces of gas, burned as it mingled with John's sweat and blood through six gaping holes before he could squeeze the .45's trigger. For an instant John Creed entertained the idea of being another of Roan's victims, but a vision of all the past victims and the blank faces of the would-be flashed in his head.

"You're a dead man, pig," Roan said. His arm moved quickly driving the gruesome looking weapon through Creed's ribcage.

 John put twelve shots into the head and chest of the monster the media once dubbed "The Bayview Butcher". Roan's six foot four body thundered against the floor. Mrs. Hargrave's bloody cocktail splattered against her legs and the office chair. A voice shook John on the inside suddenly but he never took his eyes off Roan.

...too be continued...

This is the revised version of the above excerpt. Please feel free to critique and offer advice. Thanks.


 Solon Roan-Book 1 of the Creed Series

 I. Mrs. Hargrave

 Detective John Creed had single handedly stopped the most sought after murderer of the past decade. He had hunted Solon Roan for years and finally got the break he'd been waiting for. An anonymous tip led him to where he needed to be. As Roan's knife came to rest in the chest of Suzanne Hargrave, Creed kicked in the door of the abandoned warehouse office, only a moment too late to save the mother of three from her demise. 

 Creed's pistol was trained on the elusive murderer as he drew his blade from between Mrs. Hargrave drooping breasts. Her naked body was bound to one of the wooden office chairs with a blood stained rope. A dripping rag wreaked of gasoline as it hung from her mouth. Petrol ran down her chest mixing with the blood gushing from between her tits and landed on her small potbelly that rested on her thighs. The fuel and blood ran the length of her legs and pushed its way onto the floor. The razor sharp edge seemed to move toward John's body before he could have another thought. It pushed it's way in as Roan grabbed at his throat. Mrs. Hargrave's blood, along with traces of gas, burned as it mingled with John's sweat and blood through the gaping hole as he squeezed the .45's trigger. For an instant John Creed entertained the idea of being another of Roan's victims, but a vision of all the past victims and the blank faces of the would-be flashed in his head.

 "You're a dead man, pig," Roan said. His arm moved quickly driving the gruesome looking weapon through Creed's rib cage.

 John put twelve shots into the head and chest of the monster the media once dubbed "The Bayview Butcher". Roan's six foot four body thundered against the floor. Mrs. Hargrave's bloody puddle splattered against her legs and the office chair. A distant voice shook John through his ringing ears suddenly but he never took his eyes off Roan.

 "You got him!" Officer Vera said.

 The dim light shone off the dark pool of red gathering at Detective John Creed's feet. The sticky thickness of death crept over him as the red touched his soles. His .45 still pointed at Roan had wisps of smoke slipping from the barrel toward the heavens. A few feet away lay the man he had followed, tracked and hunted for all those years. The trail of countless victims had grown through the years and taken a toll on Creed. Everytime a new victim had turned up, he new what was next. Angry fathers, distraught mothers and shattered children had harassed him in his nightmares for the past ten years. He desperately hoped for a good nights rest.

 "Yeah, I got him," Creed muttered. He knelt in the puddle and dropped his weapon. Tears from his tired, bloodshot eyes dripped into the lake of red darkness. Warmth poured down his left side as he collapsed. Sirens wailed in the distance.

 II. Fallen

 A pool of red spread under is head as his final breath escaped. His dead eyes stared blankly into the ceiling above him. He could feel a strange hand pulling at him from inside his body. A burning smell crept in as the sound of moaning voices echoed in his head. The swirling black grabbed him by the soul and pulled him into the beyond. A dark void filled his blackened heart. Hatred spewed from the bullet holes in his chest and head as a single set of powerful arms held him tight. A slithering snake slipped under his chin choking him, then around his mouth like the gag he had used on so many of his victims. As the eyes of the infamous serial killer known as Solon Roan took in a glimpse of Hell, he knew he was dead.

 A slippery set of arms held Roan in place as his muscles bulged in fury. His mouth was covered by a long, single piece of flesh that dripped with a wetness Roan had never felt. The air in his lungs pushed out through his nose in hard spurts along with blood and snot. Muffled screams tried to escape from beneath the powerful gag. 

 Red eyes peered from the dark corners of the land. They gazed in amazement as their king attempted to squeeze the black soul from Roan. They marveled at his resiliency and ability to hold his soul in as the overlord flexed his massive muscles. His tail around Roan's mouth whipped away as fast as it had been placed there.

 Roan spit a chunk of bloody meat to the ground as the monster bellowed. His grip loosened and Solon Roan's feet touched the warm soil of Hell's floor. 
 The beast recoiled ready to strike. Solon turned to face his attacker as he wiped the blood from his lips. The juice smeared across his cheeks as he smiled.


 ...more to come..

 Chris


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## popsprocket (Nov 14, 2015)

Corrections in red
Additions in orange
Comments in blue



cdr112 said:


> Solon Roan-Book 1 of the Creed Series
> 
> I. Descent
> 
> ...



My notes throughout basically illustrate my main concerns. I sort of get what you were trying to do when describing Roan being dragged to hell but I don't think you quite hit the mark with the imagery. It's probably one of those cases where you could afford to spend a few extra words and make the scene a little more vivid than it is.

I'm also a little confused as to why you ordered the scenes like you did. I understand that departures from chronological ordering is a staple of noir fiction but I'm not confident that it works as well in such a short piece.


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## ned (Nov 17, 2015)

hello - only have time to review the first section - I. Descent - if that's OK

overall, for me, it tries too hard to be overly melo-dramatic, without really hitting the nail.

it opens like a poem (intentional?) -

His open eyes stared a blank stare - you must aquire an eye for the cliche - this one is solid
are the tiles important?

good up to - A dark void filled his already blackened heart. - trying too hard, and so misses the point
A new ....... filled his already ...... for instance

Hatred spewed from the bullet holes in his chest and head as the hands of a thousand demons pulled at his soul. 
what does it mean? what does it feel like? How does he know? Abstractions say nothing and muddy the waters.

Weightlessness accompanied by pressure in his chest jarred him back to the land of the living,
seems too tame, after what he's gone through. - ends on another cliche.
or so he thought - he thinks, therefore he is! - cut the confusion.

A slithering snake slipped under his chin choking him, 
then around his mouth like the gag he had used on so many of his victims.
a revelation - but needs to be put with more of a punch - 

Just as the eyes of the infamous 
serial murderer known as Solon Roan began to gather a glimpse of Hell he fell unconscious.

the language is too uncertain for the ending - began to gather

Just as the 
serial murderer (had) glimpsed Hell, he fell unconscious. (again)

the ideas and the imagination are great - but don't let over-dramatic language distract from the story.

thanks for sharing
Ned


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## CRAlexander (Nov 17, 2015)

There's a lot of telling, overall, when I wish there would be more showing.  I think perhaps this is why the feeling of the whole piece is off, I'm not really feeling anything through it.  There's no sense of terror, wonder or urgency as Roan descends to hell, not really any emotion at all.  Same with Creed, there is some emotion, but for the most part it falls flat.

Another point that stuck out is Creed's whole section, for me, lacked tension.  You start it off with 'you got him' (an officer talking to Creed, in reference to Roan). and I immediately have a sense of what has happened, even if I don't know the how.  You don't introduce any new question though, really, just detail the last moments of Roan, who we already know was killed by Creed.

If he has his pistol trained on Roan, why does it take him six stabs to pull the trigger?  Indeed, after sustaining that much trauma how is he still able to hold his firearm, or even stand?  He has enough time to take in the details of the murder scene before him, but he can't pull the trigger?  This part seemed off to me, but maybe it's because you were going for something that didn't quite come across...maybe he was shocked to come across it?  I don't know.

A pet peeve of mine, actually, is how firearm's are portrayed in media.  In this case Creed's fired a .45 caliber pistol in an office (I'm picturing a small, enclosed space) twelve times and then suffering no effects on his hearing.  He's talking at normal volume, has no ringing in the ears, etc.

The ending was good, here is a case where you introduced a question and I'm left wanting an answer.  I'd read more because I want to know what this voice is about.

I liked the bit about Roan at the beginning, actually.  In my mind it wasn't confusion between is he alive or dead, but seemed like we were following the journey of his soul/spirit/whatever you want to call it.  That could go some interesting places.

Overall I think it has promise, it's an intriguing enough start.  Keep working on it!


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## cdr112 (Nov 20, 2015)

I appreciate the feedback. Thanks for taking the time to look at my work. I've re-worked it and changed some things around according to the offered advice. I'll post it here asap to see if it improved. Thanks again.

Chris


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## cdr112 (Nov 28, 2015)

This is revised version of the above excerpt. Please feel free to critique and offer advice. Thanks.


Solon Roan-Book 1 of the Creed Series

I. Mrs. Hargrave

Detective John Creed had single handedly stop the most sought after murderer of the past decade. He had hunted Solon Roan for years and finally got the break he'd been waiting for. An anonymous tip led him to where he needed to be. As Roan's knife came to rest in the chest of Suzanne Hargrave, Creed kicked in the door of the abandoned warehouse office, only a moment too late to save the mother of three from her demise. 

Creed's pistol was trained on the elusive murderer as he drew his blade from between Mrs. Hargrave drooping breasts. Her naked body was bound to one of the wooden office chairs with a blood stained rope. A dripping rag wreaked of gasoline as it hung from her mouth. Petrol ran down her chest mixing with the blood gushing from between her tits and landed on her small potbelly that rested on her thighs. The fuel and blood ran the length of her legs and pushed its way onto the floor. The razor sharp edge seemed to move toward John's body before he could have another thought. It pushed it's way in as Roan grabbed at his throat. Mrs. Hargrave's blood, along with traces of gas, burned as it mingled with John's sweat and blood through the gaping hole as he squeezed the .45's trigger. For an instant John Creed entertained the idea of being another of Roan's victims, but a vision of all the past victims and the blank faces of the would-be flashed in his head.

"You're a dead man, pig," Roan said. His arm moved quickly driving the gruesome looking weapon through Creed's rib cage.

 John put twelve shots into the head and chest of the monster the media once dubbed "The Bayview Butcher". Roan's six foot four body thundered against the floor. Mrs. Hargrave's bloody puddle splattered against her legs and the office chair. A distant voice shook John through his ringing ears suddenly but he never took his eyes off Roan.

"You got him!" Officer Vera said.

The dim light shone off the dark pool of red gathering at Detective John Creed's feet. The sticky thickness of death crept over him as the red touched his soles. His .45 still pointed at Roan had wisps of smoke slipping from the barrel toward the heavens. A few feet away lay the man he had followed, tracked and hunted for all those years. The trail of countless victims had grown through the years and taken a toll on Creed. Everytime a new victim had turned up, he new what was next. Angry fathers, distraught mothers and shattered children had harassed him in his nightmares for the past ten years. He desperately hoped for a good nights rest.

"Yeah, I got him," Creed muttered. He knelt in the puddle and dropped his weapon. Tears from his tired, bloodshot eyes dripped into the lake of red darkness. Warmth poured down his left side as he collapsed. Sirens wailed in the distance.

II. Fallen

A pool of red spread under is head as his final breath escaped. His dead eyes stared blankly into the ceiling above him. He could feel a strange hand pulling at him from inside his body. A burning smell crept in as the sound of moaning voices echoed in his head. The swirling black grabbed him by the soul and pulled him into the beyond. A dark void filled his blackened heart. Hatred spewed from the bullet holes in his chest and head as a single set of powerful arms held him tight. A slithering snake slipped under his chin choking him, then around his mouth like the gag he had used on so many of his victims. As the eyes of the infamous serial killer known as Solon Roan took in a glimpse of Hell, he knew he was dead.

A slippery set of arms held Roan in place as his muscles bulged in fury. His mouth was covered by a long, single piece of flesh that dripped with a wetness Roan had never felt. The air in his lungs pushed out through his nose in hard spurts along with blood and snot. Muffled screams tried to escape from beneath the powerful gag. 

Red eyes peered from the dark corners of the land. They gazed in amazement as their king attempted to squeeze the black soul from Roan. They marveled at his resiliency and ability to hold his soul in as the overlord flexed his massive muscles. His tail around Roan's mouth whipped away as fast as it had been placed there.

Roan spit a chunk of bloody meat to the ground as the monster bellowed. His grip loosened and Solon Roan's feet touched the warm soil of Hell's floor. 
The beast recoiled ready to strike. Solon turned to face his attacker as he wiped the blood from his lips. The juice smeared across his cheeks as he smiled.


...more to come..

Chris


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## Josh Colon (Nov 29, 2015)

Second version is much much better.

>>
Detective John Creed had single handedly stop the most sought after murderer of the past decade.
>>

I think 'stop' should be 'stopped' . . .
A couple of 'wrong words' I think maybe some spelling errors . . but overall interesting.
Thanks, Josh.


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## Evocraft RPG (Dec 2, 2015)

I find it hard to understand what's going on in the "Descent" part, yet I liked that part better than the second part. I think there is more mystery in the first part, while the second has little mystery because it is mostly telling us what happened. The emotional tone of this is sinister, slightly shocking, but also hard to believe. A question to consider, what is supposed to keep the reader interested in this story after the excerpt tells us the results of what happened?


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## paryno (Dec 8, 2015)

I think this excerpt is great! Definitely some things to work on, like in the above posts but it's a great story and it's going to be even greater soon! Good job!!


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