# Literary Maneuvers Nov 2018 "Unreliable Narrator" - Scores (1 Viewer)



## bdcharles (Dec 10, 2018)

Here they are. Apologies once again - real life continues to intrude on us all, but better late than never I hope you'll agree. Here are the reviews:

[spoiler2=Ibb's Scores]
Ibb

Anonymous
Carpe Diem: 18
SPaG:5
Tone:5
Effect: 8
Hee-larious.  Maybe it’s because I’m fresh off the heels of reading Confederacy of  Dunces, but I felt like I was briefly reacquainting myself with Ignatius  Riley, the guy now a little stupider, a little more self-deluded, a  little less disgusted by women as he’d been when I left him. I thought  the style of that novel was good for 200 pages, but beyond that mark  wanted to gouge my eyes out. Here, in its succinct form, the style is  fantastic. Crisp, deadpan, to the point. What’s more to say? Oh?well: “I  have deep, male voice.” You briefly turned your narrator into a man who  has just learned English as of yesterday. Otherwise? Great job.


Arachne
Denial: 14
SPaG: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
I  read this twice and wasn’t sure I followed it either time. I liked some  of the descriptions (slightly side on like he’s avoiding something  distasteful), but the significance of various components were lost on me  once we hit the ending. He’s in denial?he’s on drugs? He lost his job? I  may just be a poor reader. If there is a story about denied loss here, I  think you simply needed a larger canvas on which to paint your story.


J.J. Maxx
Out of Time: 15
SPaG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
You  write clearly and keep the story moving forward. No superfluous  details; everything contributes directly to your story, its past, and  the characters inhabiting its present. Well done. Despite this, I never  felt the oomph; there is a certain magical quality that can elevate good  writing to great writing. You have the skill for holding your pieces  together. Continue writing and one day they will float in the air all on  their own.


SueC
Waiting for Dad: 16
SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 6
I  really like the elements you have here. But given the nature of the  LMs, I don’t think you have ample space to pull off the ending effect.  Is she in shock? Or has this memory already occurred and the mother is  simply suffering some form of Alzheimer’s? I was leaning towards the  second as the story progressed, a bit of a twist to upend the earlier  details, but by the end figured it was the former. As I’ve said  elsewhere, this may only owe to my faults as a reader. The strengths, of  course, is your ability to progress your story without a hitch in your  step. Good job.


Ned
Matthew’s Story: 17
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 8
A  nice little tale of wonder. I don’t have much advice other than to try  breaking up your sentence structure a bit, as halfway through the story  your reliance on bound-together clauses made the voice become  monotonous. I suspected this might be due to the theme, that our hero’s  narration was being prepared to lead into something else, but the ending  scene didn’t justify it. But what a scene! Plenty of imagination, and  some delightful lines (“[she] sat up and looked at me, fresh as a daisy,  as if she had been buried alive - only yesterday”) elevate this beyond  its few meager shortcomings. E.B. White wrote: “Writing is an act of  faith, not a trick of grammar.” This reads like one of the faithful.  Good job.


Epimetheus
Of Wine and Spirits: 20
SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Wew.  Wonderfully written, impish in tone, with some great lines? “merely  whispered in her ear, giving good, practical advice.” There is no advice  to give. You aim for your target, swing for it, and hit. To me, this is  a perfect execution of the theme, carried on flawless execution and  poise. Great job. 

[/spoiler2]




[spoiler2=velo's scores]
VELO:

(anonymous) Carpe Diem

SPaG: 4.5
TaV: 5
Effect: 9.5
Total:19


This  piece was very difficult for me to read. I mean that as a compliment. A  piece that makes you feel deeply is good writing, period. This made me  physically squirm in discomfort.

I'm a man who grew up with a  narcissistic, misogynist, and extremely toxically masculine father. At  48 I still struggle with thoughts and patterns he ingrained in my neural  pathways. This piece resonated in terrible synchronicity with those old  and terrible lessons.

A couple very small SPaG errors here and there, "nice looking" needs a hyphen.

TaV  was spot on. I felt like I was in this bloke's head and I didn't like  it at all. I was looking out through his eyes at her. His  interpretations of her looks and reactions was full on creepy and felt  very accurate for this type of person.

Effect, well, I've already talked about this. Lots of impact in this piece, well done. 



Arachne - Denial

SPaG: 4.5
TaV: 3
Effect:5
Total:12.5

SPaG-  picking some very minor nits. I'd have preferred a semi-colon in "I  know he recognises me and I feel for him; I’m well known in the business  and it’s intimidating for someone starting out." Hyphen in "side-on."  But real nits, overall no real technical flaws.

TaV was fairly consistent and steady.

Effect-  the narrator didn't catch my interest as much as I would have liked  through most of the piece. It wasn't until the bathroom that I engaged a  slight bit more. I just felt he was a bit arrogant and a real a-hole  through the first half and more. Nothing technically wrong, I just  wanted to feel more through this. 




J.J. Maxx - Out of Time

SPaG: 5
TaV: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16

SPaG-  I went through this with a fine-toothed comb looking for anything I  could call out. As far as I can tell this was technically perfect. I say  that even knowing there are several grammatically incomplete sentences  but, much like when words are misspelled in dialogue to connote accent, I  saw that as context and deliberate usage vs an error.

TaV: Very consistent, I really feel the PoV character's need and desperation

Effect-  I'm honestly not sure how this story ends and I like that you've left  it open to interpretation- is she mentally distressed or actually  traveling back in time? However, Schumacher used 'further' not 'farther'  in the last sentence. Had you used 'farther' it would indicate she had  actually travelled back. 'Further' is metaphorical distance so that  hints at it being in the context of her mental health/stability. Of  course, there is other context that hints at the opposite conclusion.  Well done on the ambiguity. 


SueC - Waiting for Dad

SPaG: 4
TaV: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 15

SPaG-  a few small errors, hyphen in 'blood-curdling', 'Mom' should be  capitalized, some extra commas etc. But otherwise technically good.

TaV: Consistent and poignant, appropriate for the PoV character.

Effect:  The biggest hurdle for me was that when reading I got bogged down in  what I thought were a lot of extra details that didn't need to be there.

Example-  "I hurried into the kitchen to get a glass of water. When I got back,  she was still on the floor in front of the couch, but seemed to be  calming a little bit. I sat back down and handed her the water. She  looked at it as if she didn’t know what to do with it."

All this  for a glass of water and a confused look. There were a couple areas like  this where I felt these details could have been tightened up  significantly and reduced, even down to a single sentence.

i.e.- "I hurriedly brought her a glass of water, she looked as if she didn't know what to do with it."

This  was a good piece but I think the focus on some minutiae that didn't  really move the narrative along limited how much impact and emotion you  could get into 650w. 



ned- Matthew's Story

SPaG-2
TaV-2
Effect-3
Total- 7


SPaG- "in the temple storeroom - and be on hand" needs a 'to' after 'and.'
"sweeping,  cleaning and polishing" needs an Oxford. Noticed several of those...I  did try them both ways and they work better with rather than without the  Oxford.

"After winding the through the streets, we entered an  olive grove that led down to the graveyard, and as we went through the  gate, my gaze was drawn across the tombs and graves to the rounded hill  in the east, and its three crosses silhouetted against the blood-red  dawn." Bit of a run-on and commas need a lot of work in this one. Needs  to be split up into multiple sentences.

TaV- phrases like "Time  to get cracking" and "graveyard shift" are quite modern and really took  me out of the story. I get the pun with graveyard shift, of course, but  it was far more distracting than useful.

"Slowly at first, then  within seconds" 'Slowly' is a purely relative description and 'seconds'  is very specific. The two don't jibe well together.

Effect- first  some technical nitpicking- maize was not known at the presumed date and  location of this story and days of the week were not named, such as  'Monday.' Details bug me, so take that for what it's worth.

Overall  I kept getting dragged out of the story by form, usage, and structure.  It honestly felt rushed, like perhaps you knew the ending and really  wanted to get there. This was difficult for me to read.



Epimetheus - Of Wine and Spirits

SPaG-2
TaV- 4
Effect-6
Total- 12


SPaG-  Punctuation around quotes needs a lot of attention. Many errors in that  area and choices that created confusing and/or awkward  sentences/phrases.

examples-
"...drink more than average.” Said Rosie, pouring them both another glass.
“Who drank it?” she demanded.

TaV-  This was fairly effective and consistent. The darkly mischievous tone  was disturbingly creepy. I have a clear vision of the indistinct form of  the PoV character shimmering in the shadows, just out of sight.

Effect-  Very dark, more than a little uncomfortable at points. Not sure if the  spirit is intended to be a real demon or a literary manifestation of  Daphne's psychology/addiction. Nicely done. Unfortunately I definitely  kept getting taken out of the story by the way you punctuate quotes  which really impacted the whole feel of the piece for me. It was jarring  at points. 
[/spoiler2]

In summary:


Title & AuthorIbbveloTotalEmma Sohan (Anonymous) - *Carpe Diem*181918.5Arachne - *Denial*1412.513.25J.J. Maxx - *Out of Time*151615.5SueC - *Waiting for Dad*161515.5Ned - *Matthew's Story*17712Epimetheus - *Of Wine and Spirits*201216


In first place, we have:
~



*Emma Sohan*
with 
"Carpe Diem"

​

In second, it's 
"Of Wine and Spirits"

by *Epimetheus*​

And tied for third, I give you:


*SueC *with "Waiting For Dad" and *J.J.Maxx*'s "Out Of Time"


~​
Well  done Emma and all the other entrants, plus of course many thanks to the  judges. Until we meet meet again, on the other thread.


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## SueC (Dec 10, 2018)

Congratulations to Emma Sohan and Epimetheus! You did awesome work. Great job both, and thanks to the judges!

SueC


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## Arachne (Dec 10, 2018)

Well done everyone! 
I loved your story Emma Sohan, congratulations on a well deserved win. 
Thanks to the judges for your time and feedback, it's much appreciated. 

Arachne


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## J.J. Maxx (Dec 10, 2018)

Well done, Emma! I also enjoyed your story. 

Thank you to all the other entrants and especially the judges for their time and feedback. It is much appreciated.

Cheers.

~ J. J.


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## ned (Dec 11, 2018)

Congratulations Emma - and thank you judges.


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## EmmaSohan (Dec 15, 2018)

Thanks to bd and the judges. I was inspired by the topic, and everyone else seems to have been too -- I enjoyed reading all of of the stories. Creepy but powerful? Nice twist, Ned.


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