# Men of War



## CanadaJay (Apr 4, 2017)

_Deleted to protect publication rights._ Thanks to everyone who read it and gave your feedback!


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## queenie (Apr 4, 2017)

Loved this. It's very stark and haunting. The visual of the sea along with soldiers is not as often seen as those lost on land making it more original. The only improvement in my mind would be changing "misery" to "miseries." Otherwise, I think it's one of the best poems I've read here in a long, long time.


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## CanadaJay (Apr 5, 2017)

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I'll have to think on the _misery_ vs. _miseries_ question and see what sounds better. 

And I'll just add for everyone else - I'm more than open to critiques!


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## Firemajic (Apr 6, 2017)

Hello, CanadaJay, Welcome to the fabulous Poetry Thread! I enjoyed your poem, Nice imagery .... Thank you for posting your work, I enjoyed the read...


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## LOVELACE (Apr 6, 2017)

For me personally I saw a juxtaposition in my mind. I could see the chaos of war along a peaceful sea. Really liked this.


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## jenthepen (Apr 7, 2017)

Great work, jay! You've managed to create a wonderfully atmospheric mood and carry a meaningful message too. I like this poem a lot.

If I was to pick one small nit, I'd say that the second line of the last stanza seems to be missing a beat and that disrupts the otherwise perfect rhythm. Consider adding another syllable - _'each_ mast' perhaps?

Anyway, this is a memorable poem and I look forward to seeing many more from you.

jen


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## nelen (Apr 9, 2017)

Thank you Canada Jay. A very evocative poem which I enjoyed. Only one small thing, along the bottom hearing the plea, scans better than we hear the plea.


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## CanadaJay (Apr 10, 2017)

Thanks Fire, jen and nelen! I'll take a second look at the rhythm and see if I can make it flow any better! Everyone's thoughts and critiques are really helpful.


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## sas (Apr 11, 2017)

As I don't write in rhyme anymore, I leave critique of them to others. I thought yours well done. I concur with sentiment of it. Alas, though, if the dead could talk, few would even want to listen. Pity. Nice work. Sas


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## DanielCarrigan (Apr 12, 2017)

Poem is very strong both conceptually and structurally. The rhyme and rhyme are employed very effectively as I believe poems of this nature always leave more lasting impression when they stick to a strict rhyme scheme. The last stanza is particularly strong especially the closing summing up the ideas explored throughout. Only criticism I would give is the use of the word 'and' twice in the line 'and look upon the world and see' I would suggesting changing it to 'look upon the world to see' as well as making the line abit more grammatically tighter it could also act as a sort of metaphor or play on words of the phrase 'to sea' as if the man men have came up and seen a world still drowning in war? But maybe I'm overcomplicating it.


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## CanadaJay (Apr 12, 2017)

Sad but true, sas. 

And thanks, Daniel! You make a good point about the two 'ands.' I'll add that to my list of edits!


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