# 25/2/13 - LM - Contradictions - Scores!



## Potty (Feb 25, 2013)

Please let me know if I've got anything wrong, operating on 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours!

Acropitcairn: 14 – 18 – 15 – 14: *15.25*

 Rubisco: 14 – 17.5 – 16 – 16: *15.875*

 Tettsuo: 9.5 – 16.5 – 15 – 12: *13.25*

 Bruno Spatola: 17 – 18 – 19 – 17: *17.75*

 Alanmt: 16 – 17 – 20 – 14: *16.75*

 Leyline: 19 – 20 – 19 – 19: *19.25*

 Kyle: 17 – 19 – 19 – 17: *18*

 Moderan: 16 – 17 – 20 – 14:* 16.75*

 Candence: 14 – 17.5 – 16 – 13: *15.125*

 Kevin: 17 – 16.5 – 15 – 14: *15.625*

 Bazz Cargo: 13 – 16.5 – 15 – 14:* 14.625*

 Namesake: 8 – 14 – 10 – 7: *9.75*

 Lewdog: 15.5 – 17 – 16 – 15: *15.875*

 Circadian: 18.5 – 13 – 17 – 15: *15.875*

 Staffdeployment: 18.5 – 14 – 19 – 15: *16.625*

 Spartan928: 16 – 19 – 15 – 17: *16.75*

 Flesheater: N/A


 Please congratulate the winners:


 First Place: Leyline
 Second Place: Kylecolorado
 Third Place: Bruno Spatola


*SCORES*



 Flesh Eater's Scores:


*ZEUGMA INCORRECT BOREDOM
Acropitcairn * 

Spelling and Grammar: 4.5/5 
Noticed no grammatical errors or misspellings; I held back the half point because there was only one noticeable place where you got creative with the spelling and grammar, and that was the last paragraph, which read like a McCarthy paragraph. 
Tone and Voice: 3.5/5
The tone of this piece stayed consistently over descriptive, but I believe that’s what you were aiming for, since, what I believe this to be, is a dreaming/dying progression. Some of the similes and prose seemed oddly paced or odd in general. 
-an image off a mighty insect eye never blinking
-if the heat made a sound it would have been howling like a madman
-the insane sun 
Effect: 6/10
The imagery in this was very vivid. I especially enjoyed the German battlefield scene, which I feel was the strongest, but still could have been made stronger with a sense of brevity. 
Where this piece fell short for me was in its layout, and also in progressing scene development over story development. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I understood each segment as a lone piece of a story, but with the “Son died”, “Son was born”, I kept reading it over and over (five or six times) trying to make sense of it and couldn’t. It felt like it went too many places in too short of time; from a dream to somewhere fantastically fictional, to perhaps Nazi Germany, to a forest and then the sea, to a conversation with the father, to the sun, to being born…and…you lost me.

Score: 14/20


 * * *

_*It Happens Everyday*_*Rubisco*

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
There were, I believe, three, maybe four places where semicolons were needed. I think I understand why you chose the commas in dialogue, but even as I read the dialogue I wanted to see semicolons instead of commas. 
Tone and Voice: 3/5
This kept me interested, but there were too many places that I ended up stumbling through and had to go back to re-read. Some of the dialogue could have used smoothed out to flow better. For instance:
"Then of course you will be able to eat, all I did was put a fluoride treatment on your teeth, just wait a half hour, then pig out, for all I care. Here, have a toothbrush, just make sure you use the fuzzy end."
The above runs together too much. I can’t picture someone talking like this.
I feel it would read better with more pauses:
“Then of course you will be able to eat. All I did was put a fluoride treatment on your teeth. Wait a half hour, and then you can pig out. Here, have a toothbrush. Just make sure you use the fuzzy end.”
Effect: 8/10
Aside from some of the lines that threw me out of the story, I enjoyed the story, and the contradiction. I think mainly because I feel the same way about the dentist! When the ending first hit me, I said to myself, “That was very stupid,” and then I took a moment to think about it. It was so outrageously twisted that you almost lost me for a second in absurdity, but in another moment of clarity, I got it.
I think it was the outrageousness of the behavior that made me ultimately enjoy this, because we all feel that way, no matter who we are. The dentist has so much power over you it’s disgusting, and, frightening! 
As a note concerning effect, I do however believe this could have benefitted a great deal from present tense.

Score: 14/20


* * *

_*Steel Alive*_*Tettsuo*
Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
There were just too many errors in this. Below are some of the places I found errors, and my corrections to them. There were eleven total.
-eerily digital, distant
-something’s wrong
-tears roll quickly
-“Doctor, it’s me, Paul.”
-If anyone can help me it’s him
Tone and Voice: 2.5/5
The narration was very repetitive, it didn’t strive on making the point and then moving on, and instead kept coming back to the same minute details. I also didn’t believe in the wife. I felt her voice could have been handled with much more care.
Effect: 5/10 
This kind of reminded me of Robocop, which I loved, but I think this could have been better if the point of what the narrator had become wasn’t the main focal point. Instead, the focus should have been on the fact he created a machine to give life after death, but that he never wanted it for himself. Maybe build on the contradiction of his idea; how or why he didn’t think that if he wouldn’t want to become a machine, then why anyone else would want to become a machine.
The repetitiveness of driving what he had become home really killed this for me. 

Score: 9.5/20


 * * *

_*Perfetta*_*Bruno Spatola*

Spelling and Grammar: 3.5/5
I scored this a 3.5 for the two misspelled, or non-existent words used, and for the one fragment. I pulled out the fragment and picked on it because it ruined the verse; it stuck out like a sore thumb.
Tone and Voice: 5/5
The voice of this narrator is excellent for what is going on here. Little important details are being noticed and picked out, and I like that. It shows the lunacy well.
Effect: 8.5/10
This was morbidly romantic, and I think that’s what lured me into it. The ending, and what exactly the girl is, is still a bit confusing, but I think I understand it. Some of your similes I enjoyed a lot like _her porcelain-perfect figure_. 
The only thing I can criticize it for (aside from the three spelling and grammar errors) is its wordiness. I think some of the scenes could have packed more punch without the ten dollar words that threw me out of the story. But overall this was an enjoyable read.

Score: 17/20


 * * *

_*Inconsistency*_*alanmt*

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
This was all fine, except the four fragments that broke up the verse, and made it all feel out of place. The pattern is consistent, hinting that this was intentional, but it still affected the way I read it.
-She stops sucking and looks at me with narrow hostile eyes, daring me to go on so she can unleash her fury on me.
- And that he’s a cheater, because he was cheating on her with you.
-“Oh, I don’t know, like having affairs with a brother and sister at the same time, maybe.”
- I am a firm believer in loyalty and monogamy, which is why I had to betray my sister.
Tone and Voice: 5/5
The tone and voice of this piece was very strong, and very consistent. I even thought the sister and the cheater were written very well, very believable. 
Effect: 7/10
This had me right up until the end, and it didn’t deliver like I was expecting it to. It was a love triangle—I guess—that really had no big spectacular incident or resolve. I’m not sure if this happened because of the necessity to drive the contradiction home or what, but I think there could have been something more to bring it all to an end. The last paragraph felt to summarized, and kind of took away from the whole reveal at the end that the guy was cheating with a sister AND a brother.

Score: 16/20


* * *

_*Pretty Girls in Nice Cars*_*Leyline*

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 & Tone and Voice: 5/5
This had a lot of intentional fragments that worked well for the tone and voice. I loved how the narration stayed in character with the character himself…like he was talking, but it wasn’t through direct dialogue. I love it when writers pull that off, keeping you in the story the whole time instead of stepping out of character or setting. 
The voice was perfect. I don’t know what else to say; I was there with that character the whole time.
Effect: 9/10
When I first read this, I had a feeling that I knew where it was going, at least with the MC and the pretty girl. However, it caught me off guard completely when the tow truck driver was involved in it, and the drug running. I like surprises. I like not knowing what’s coming next in a story. The coldness of the violence was also unexpected, but handled excellently.
Overall this was just an awesome read. I think I would have scored it perfect if the very beginning and the first impression of the girl at the truck stop was tied in better. I wanted to hear the narrators take on the pretty girls contradiction…I don’t know, to me it felt like it would have fit and tied it all together perfectly. 

Score: 19/20


 * * *
_*Savior*_*KyleColorado*

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
There were no unintentional misspellings and you were very creative with this. I was torn between thinking of this as a pulp story and a…well…I don’t know. 
Tone and Voice: 4/5
This story blazed by, but I found it a little too redundant at times. I know the effect you were going for was difficult in 650 words, but I think some of it could have been taken out. The descriptions of all the sensations were a bit much. Also, I feel some of the dialogue was a bit overdone, and often times pulled me out of the story. 
Effect: 8/10
A werewolf is an excellent contradiction, and I love werewolf stories. This reminded me of all the old comic books I used to read, and I could picture those beasts while reading this. 
I saw the werewolf coming, but I was really hoping to see a different take on the werewolf. I wanted a different ending…perhaps something like when a werewolf is killed, for once it doesn’t turn back into a man, or something along those lines. It would be interesting to see this added onto with something different, something to separate it from every other werewolf story.

Score: 17/20


 * * *

_*Bast Itch*_*Moderan*

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 
This was flawless writing.
Tone and Voice: 5/5
The third person narrative was limited, and I liked how you traveled through this story mainly using dialogue. It was very fitting for the story.
Effect: 6/10
This was clever, and well written. However, it played on one of my biggest pet peeves and annoyed me to no end—adverbs. Because of that, it killed the effect for me. At first I was like, “I see what it did there,” and then by the time I made it to the end I said to myself, “Okay, this is like a bad joke that just keeps rolling and tumbling into being awkward.” I couldn’t get into this at all because of the self-awareness this story embraced.

Score: 16/20


 * * *

_*Frag Ments*_*Cadence*

I have no idea how to judge this. You’ll be the only one that doesn’t get a break down because I’m not able to figure that out. 
Ignoring the English spelling of some of the words, the writing was, err, flawless? Yeah, we’ll say that. 
I know what you were trying to do with this story and I think you pulled it off to some extent, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I think it was because of the pacing (too fast). I also felt the prompt was just tossed in there, but I couldn’t tell. This story was all over the place. I don’t know if the human mind can really translate a whole story of fragments, at least not this human mind. 

Score: 14/20


 * * *

_*A Little War*_*Kevin*

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5
This was flawless. I liked how you interwove the inner monologue with the narrative. 
Tone and Voice: 4/5
You wrote the character so perfectly; I’d swear you were a dictator. With very little you painted a perfect picture of one mean S.O.B. With that being said, I docked a point because I would have liked to have seen the inner monologue, maybe even his dialogue have an accent. I mean, he’s from El Salvador.
Effect: 8/10
This had me suckered right in. I thought for sure this was going to be an actor or actress scheduling an interview. I was taken aback when it was a dictator. That made me think, “That was clever!” and the ‘contra’-dictions was also clever. Well played sir.

Score: 17/20


 * * *

_*Pimp My Zimmer Frame*_*Bazz Cargo*

Spelling and Grammar: 3.5/5
Margarined, is not a word. I know what you were saying, but it could have been worded differently to avoid using margarined. 
You tried to use grammar creatively, but the punctuation errors destroyed it. 
Tone and Voice: 3.5/5 
This didn’t work for me. Both of your characters sound the same. If one is a punk and one is into trains, don’t you think they’d speak drastically different? There was no interesting slang from the punk to differentiate him from the other.
Effect: 6/10
This didn’t work for me. The contradiction was kind of weak and not really played out. Also, nothing happens. 
I’m also docking points from the effect for all the comma errors. When you run a sentence together with dialogue or scene description in the middle, you should break them up with commas, not periods. You want the scene to flow together, not stop and start. 
One example:
“Possibly.” Derek put down his cutlery. “What shall we do after pudding?”
Should be:
“Possibly,” Derek put down his cutlery, “What shall we do after pudding?”

Score: 13/20


* * *

_*The Ego Check of a King*_*namesake*

Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
The spelling was flawless, however the grammar suffered from missing or added words and ill constructed sentences.
Tone and Voice: 2/5
This writing, sentence by sentence, captured the voice of the time period you were shooting for. However, the flow of the story killed the tone. I couldn’t follow the story due to the phrasing and non-linear sentences (I guess I could say…not sure how else to describe them).
Effect: 4/10 
The gist of what you were getting across I got. However, getting there was nearly impossible. This, to me, read as fragments of thought, or something like that. 

Score: 8/20


* * *


_*Conscious Contradiction*_*
Spartan928*

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
There were very few errors in this, mainly punctuation. I like how you handled the sermon as well as the dialogue. 
Tone and Voice: 5/5
You nailed the sermon. Putting breaks with periods where commas would have been appropriate (to be correct) was perfect to really drive home the point, like priests tend to do. I was sitting there listening to the gospel with the priest. 
Effect: 10/10
When I started reading this I thought, _Hmmm…this should be interesting, there are so many contradictions in religion_, and then it happened. When it turned to the altar boy I thought, _There’s no way it’s going to go there, no way_, and then it went there. I felt disgusting and weird and awkward reading that last part. I didn’t want to keep reading, no way, I hated reading it. Congratulations to you.
It was cliché, but it stuck all the ugliness and lies right out in the open, right in the face of the reader. That was bold, and it was disgusting without being disgusting. 

Score: 19/20

* * *

_*Time Frame*_*
Staff Deployment*

Spelling and Grammar: 3.5/5
The spelling was flawless. The fragments in the narration weren’t necessary for the style, and instead jarred me out of the story. 
Examples:
In the shot, Chris' hand clasped around the stem of the flower; high contrast, pink skin and yellow pedals.
A short pause, she bites her lip, "Let's keep walking, shall we?" 
Tone and Voice: 4/5
You wrote these characters very well. Some of the fragments in the dialogue annoyed me, since I couldn’t actually picture someone saying, “Terrible at it,” instead of, “I’m terrible at it.” But, I’m sure there are people out there that speak in fragments.
Effect: 6.5/10
The time lapsing in this story didn’t work for me, the going back and forth and back and forth again. This would have been more effective if it had gone from present to future, and then back to present, and without noting the days of the week. The relapse back to Monday seemed unnecessary. All it told us was that Cyl (weird name too, by the way) was terrible at photographing and that Chris thought she was pretty. Also, the contradiction wasn’t very apparent. 

Score: 14/20

* * *

_*The Wraiths in the Catacombs*_*
Circadian*

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Crescendoed is not a word. I appreciate fragments when effectively used. However, this story suffered from too many fragments, too often. Minus the fragments this was very good writing.
Tone and Voice: 4/5
For a medieval type of story this wasn’t too wordy, but I’m using that loosely. This wasn’t the most interesting tone or voice I’ve read, but it also wasn’t the worst. Perhaps stronger words could have helped it.
Effect: 6/10
The beginning kept me reading, it was heading in an interesting, dark, maybe even scary direction. But before the end hit, I already knew where it was going and it did nothing for me. You took something scary, dark and interesting and made it cute and cuddly and fun. I realize it was to fit the contradiction, but it just didn’t work for me.

Score: 13/20


* * *

_*Death is Unbecoming*_*
Lewdog*

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
This was very well written.
Tone and Voice: 5/5
You nailed the voice of the mortician. It brought me right back to my mortician neighbor. I could easily see him having fun with his job since it’s such a depressing thing, death that is. I also like how you kept the two personalities completely different, making me believe in the kid actually being new. 
Effect: 8/10
This was good dark humor, and I love dark comedy. It probably should have felt strange reading this but it didn’t. 
The only thing I can criticize it for is having the mortician being a little to repetitive when he speaks. Other than that though, this was a fine read.

Score: 17/20 



 

 Lsam's Scores:


*ZEUGMA INCORRECT BOREDOM**by Arcopitcairn**Score: 18*

I really liked the first half of this. Up to the point where Son gets shot, it felt like some awesome surreal dreamscape version of some cross between a Western and WWI. Maybe a little too reliant on adjectives, but very visual and cool regardless. And the images and atmosphere continue to be cool and interesting, but after he's shot I felt like I lost my moorings a little too much to enjoy myself. Looked up "zeugma" and some examples and still am not sure how the title applies, either.

The Father comes out of nowhere and I feel like there is a brief contemplation of God, maybe, as small and weak, sending Man out to act in the world, to be the heroic and powerful one. Which is really interesting, conceptually, if I'm understanding correctly. But I'm not sure if that is what you're trying to get at and I don't know that it's explored adequately, or reflected in the rest of the text. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this -- this reader, at least, needs just a little more to help me understand what you're trying to get at here. 

Dialogue punctuation error: with you." Son said. --> comma after "you"


*It Happens Every Day**by Rubisco**Score: 17.5*
This was a fun one. Nobody likes going to the dentist, I don't think, but even I am not such a wimp as this guy (in fact I am very brave and stoic, except for the part when I cry). So it's very relatable, and also makes one think about how we put on these façades of being tough adults who face difficult tasks, but we all have situations that just make us curl up and whimper like babies. I mean, the rest of you people, I imagine. In any case, a nice humor piece that I enjoyed. Thought the dentist's dialogue was well-written, too.

Clean of typos, but a couple moments when I thought you needed either a connecting word or a little change in verb or punctuation:
_I said, fear emanated from my pores_
_I timidly grasped the toothbrush, it was magnificent_
A semi-colon instead of the comma would fix both of these, I think.

There are two stories here which compare dentist drills and banshee sounds. The comparison just does not work for me. Banshees would not sound mechanical and whiny like that. I am forced to conclude you have perfect teeth. The title doesn't do much for me, either, I have to say-- doesn't tell me much about what's to come.

*Steel Alive **by Tettsuo**Score: 16.5 
*
The concept here is interesting-- I gather the doctor's mind has been transferred into a computer? Cool. I am reminded of a great novel called A Living Soul by P. C. Jersild, about a disembodied brain in an aquarium, not exactly the same thing, but some similarities in the loss of sensation and movement, trying to figure out what's happened, what exactly is life or a being when one is nothing but a mind. Maybe a tangent, and it would be difficult to do much philosophizing in the space you've got, but maybe a little introspection could have nice. In any case, the writing here is mostly serviceable, doesn't distract from the story; a couple good similes (I like the "old television struggling to capture a signal"), and I like your punny title.

A couple typos, moth for month, "tear" should be plural, “it him” for “it’s him”, and you twice use "distance" as an adjective. Also, need to work on your punctuation around names and honorifics ("I'm dead Denise" should be "I'm dead, Denise").

NOTE: When I judge I copy and paste the entries without names into a doc as soon as I notice them. When I saw whose entry this was, I remembered you said you unknowingly edited after the fact. I think I scored the pre-edit version, but since you’re not supposed to edit, I think fairness dictates I keep this as is.


*Perfetta**by Bruno Spatola**Score: 18*

Some really nice descriptive phrases in here, and I liked the overall mood of the piece: a nice slow sensuality to it, an attention to detail and patience that give us an interesting picture of the narrator. The woman doesn't have a lot of personality, but I suppose she's drugged. The sentence structure gets a bit repetitive with the almost unvarying subject-verb construction but there aren't any errors. Also on the style front, you break paragraph with great frequency, which means that these breaks lose their power to emphasize solitary lines. I would have preferred to see some of the paragraphs combined.

This might sound picky but be careful with fabrics. Taffeta is a stiff, rustly fabric; hair like taffeta would have a lot of spray in it. While towels are in the category of "bath linens" I have never seen one that was made from actual linen. 

*Inconsistency**by alanmt**Score: 17*

So this lawyer slept with Scott, the husband of his highschool friend, and Scott was also sleeping with the lawyer's sister, and possibly some other chick. Altruistically, of course. A little confusing, all this bedhopping, but I think I got it; names might have helped. Some good phrases in this, I liked the sister's lips protruding like an aardvark's snout (it must be an iced latte?), and I think you do a good job of establishing character through dialogue, which is really important when you're using so much of it. 

Sometimes I thought your dialogue could benefit from more contractions ("he is" "I am" etc. tend to get run together in conversation unless a person is speaking formally). Not much emotional connection with any of the characters, they all seem like jerks, so not much impact, really, other than the twist at the end. But it's well-written and fairly entertaining.

*Pretty Girls in Nice Cars**by Leyline**Score: 20
*
This was really good, well-described, good pace that pulled me along. The prose has a good gritty feel to it, a laid-back calm that's really a resignation to everything, and I felt like I got a good sense of the narrator's character. Opening paragraph does a good job of setting our expectations about who this woman is, what attitude the narrator has towards her, so I was actually a bit surprised when he seemed to be helping her out, figured there was some ulterior motive, though not its precise nature, so I was still surprised when he pulled the gun on her. Also enjoyed his philosophizing about the effects of desire and then saying to hell with it. Really well-done story.

Only nits to pick is that "[expletive]less" is one word, no hyphen, and one missing period. And despite years of teaching I am not heartless enough to take a point off just for that.

*Savior**by KyleColorado**Score: 19*

The experimentation with style to match the changes in Jolen's state is interesting in this piece. It works pretty well most of the time, and it's an effective way to communicate those changes to the reader. The descriptive metaphors and similes were really good, too, particularly description of scents, which I thought was appropriate and cool once I realized he was probably a werewolf. 

At time I did feel like you went a little over the top. Example: _Too bright. Burning his eyes. Burning!_ I wondered if it were meant to be humorous, to tell the truth; still am not sure. Exclamation points are dangerous things, IMO. This line confused me: _He kicked his leg against the hot pressure spreading through his bladder. _My first read was that he needed to pee. I did not see how he could kick his own bladder or how kicking would help. But otherwise, a good read.

*Frag ments**by Cadence**Score: 17.5
*
Parts of this I thought were great, like the moment when the bear nods. Really quietly creepy and nicely done. The fragmentary style works well, though the reason for it isn't totally clear to me, why this very spare narratorial perspective. Didn't bother me, I just wondered. I have to admit I'm not entirely clear on all that's happened, why everyone's so upset at Danny. It seems like he organized the ticket swap, and Sharktopus was too scary for the kids, but is that why Jodie's slapping him? Seems extreme-- maybe something else happened at the cinema, too? And who are some of these characters, what's their relation to the others (Jodie in particular), why Carol is able to handle the bear, why it's called Contradictions at the end. Think I needed just a few more clues as to what was happening. 

Despite my confusion, I did really like this. Just need to help this tired reader a little more, if possible.


*Bast Itch**by Moderan**Score: 17*

Ha. This was a funny one, especially enjoyed the many flagrant Tom Swifties. And you manage to imply a great many things without crossing the line, or at least I think so-- at least, I figure if I get the joke, I can't pretend the idea's totally new and shocking to me. Always good to make your reader do her own dirty work. 

Do I have a bellyache from laughing, though, well no. Funny but not that funny. And I am forced to note that when using so much dialogue, even for humor, one really must format it correctly. No caps on your dialogue tags, or I don't laugh. Also I don't quite get the title. Anyway, I enjoyed it and it made me smile.

*"Death is Unbecoming" **by Lewdog**Score 15.5
*
SPaG issues: a) a few missing commas, especially around honorifics in dialogue (like in, "Sir isn't that desecrating the dead?" you should normally have a comma after "Sir"). b) you have a little trouble with compound words; "pinball" is one word, "twenty-five-year-old man" needs all those dashes in the modifier. c) in dialogue, when you're indicating the speaker with something that's not a dialogue tag, such as here: "[...]you respect the spirit of the dead," the mortician's voice trailed off -- the speech should end in a period, and the next part is a new sentence.

The contradiction here is, I gather, that we expect morticians to be very somber and melancholy, that we equate respecting the dead with respecting a dead body, and Newton manifestly thinks otherwise. It's amusing and one can see Newton's point, at least a little. The plot's a little thin, to my mind, not a lot of conflict. Might have helped to situate the POV more firmly in the apprentice's head, show his surprise and dismay. He's pretty quick to abandon his long-held beliefs about how to treat the dead.

*A little war**by Kevin**Score: 16.5
*
More a character piece than a story, it seems, though I did enjoy it. The dialogue is very natural and the narration feels very conversational as well, a good close third that gave me a good sense of the guy being interviewed, his history and personality, his idea of himself. Saw no grammar mistakes or typos, though I did think maybe there were a few too many semi-colons that could have been commas or periods.

I did wish for more of a narrative arc, for something to happen or change during this conversation, for one character or the other. The ending doesn’t have much punch because it’s just a statement of fact, kind of summarizes what’s gone before, but doesn’t surprise. Connection to the prompt felt a bit tenuous as well.

*The Wraiths in the Catacombs**by Circadian**Score: 18.5
*
This was way out of my usual genre but I enjoyed it a lot. I liked the inverse symmetry of the beginning and ending, the darkness before his transformation and the lightness after, as well as some of the descriptors like the maggot-pale eyes (good line!) turning into moon-pale eyes.

I sort of wished the character were a bit more defined-- some kind of prince, I gather, and I grant it would've been difficult to get his name in very naturally. But I would've liked to know why he was in the catacombs, why he was moving towards the wraiths instead of trying to get away. Clearly he knows he can't win, so why advance? Also I must ding you for the " banshee wail of dentist drills." First, because dentist drills just seem really out of place in this fantasy world of wraiths and palaces. Second, I've never heard a banshee, but I don't think they would sound like dentist drills.

SPaG's all good. Overall a good effort, the style is maybe a little purple for my taste at times but fits the setting.

*Pimp My Zimmer Frame**by bazz cargo**Score: 16
*
Hijinks at the old folks’ home, awesome. If I ever get that old I’m totally dying my hair purple and raising havoc, because why the heck not. Anyway. So this is fun. I like Derek and Mike, these aging punks who aren’t dealing too well with the fact that they’re not kids anymore. Did not quite catch their meaning sometimes (“I only pulled”? and what’s a “chip-butty”?) but this is probably slang unfamiliar to me. SPaG all looked fine.

However, the scene felt a bit static to me. Needed some mayhem or something, I think, something more than just two old punks having dinner. I wanted to see the wheelchair race, a big crash, an argument between them, just a bit more action and conflict.


*"Time-Frame"**(or: "Quick Snapshots")**by Staff Deployment**Score: 18.5
*
I liked a lot about this story, felt like the characters came through to me quite clearly through their dialogue and actions, through this little abbreviated flirtation that doesn't work out because he hasn't been looking in her eyes. The writing is very concise--sometimes a little too concise, maybe. I wondered if you were clipping it down for the word count, which I understand, of course. But overall I liked the style, the short sentences and the clicks of the camera. 

The temporal structure is interesting, with the real action apparently happening in present tense on Wednesday, which frames the Monday/past and Friday/future sections, so we see the effect before we see the cause. I think this enhanced the story a lot, because when I think about what's actually happened here, it's not terribly dramatic, this bittersweet missed connection; the way you frame it makes it more compelling than it would be told in linear fashion.

Don't know why Chris would expect there to be a ring for him, or a ring less, if they represent courses she's taking. SPaG looks fine.

*Conscious Contradiction **by spartan928**Score: 16
*
I can see what you’re going for right away, and Father Greeley’s dialogue seems well-done, he gives off a good creepy vibe. You can see him sort of testing poor David, daring him about skinnydipping, manipulating expectations. Easy to go too far with this stuff and I don’t think you did. That said, I don’t see a lot of individuality in these characters. You mention David’s having trouble at home, for example, and I wanted to know more about that, more about whatever distinguishes him from every other little boy. Same with Father Greeley, he seems a little generic. You’re relying very heavily on dialogue to convey their characters and I just don’t think it’s quite distinctive enough or informative enough. Just a little more description could have helped with this, too, and I would have preferred less sermon, which got rather lengthy.

Spelling and grammar mostly good except for speech marks with a period. The period should be inside the quotes, just like a question mark would be. 

*The Ego Check of A King**by namesake**Score: 14
*
The idea here, I think, is the many roles and faces that this person has to take on as king. It's an interesting topic, all that responsibility, one’s emotions and weaknesses taking on so much importance. And these lines I really liked: “Guilt was not in my body. When someone was killed it was in a far-away land. [...] I remained in the shadows, asking existential questions.” Really interesting, his detachment from a killing he’s (I presume) ordered, treating life and death as a philosophical issue rather than a real flesh and blood situation. So that was cool.

But vocab and word-order problems abound, too many to list, and there is a lot here that I don’t understand. Starting with the first line for example, a person can’t really have more than one ego. Maybe “selves” is what you meant, but I don’t get why he’s battling them. And then I can’t find the story in this. It seems more like a character sketch than anything else.  


*LIAR
by Flesheater
Judge’s Entry
*
I can tell you like Palahniuk just from the first line. I do, too, so that’s okay. I enjoyed this, good description overall, good tension and sense of rage. Not so sure about using a song title (the Melvins beat), would prefer you to describe how it sounds. With music especially, it’s assuming a lot, that your audience will have the same cultural references as you and interpret them the same way. Like with the _Casino_ scene, I haven’t seen _Casino _so I'm stuck guessing someone gets beaten with office supplies, but I don’t know, so it throws me out of the story. 

I also got a little confused when the rat-guy says “you listening, man?”... “Okay.” just didn’t seem like something you’d say to someone when you’re begging for your life. 

Hyphenate compound modifiers that precede the noun (head-on car crashes).  


 

Tiamat's Scores


*Arcopitcairn - Zeugma Incorrect Boredom*

Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 15 

There was some really good imagery in this, but I felt that at times, you were a little too heavy-handed with your descriptions. It gave the piece a bit of a cluttered feel. And you lost a point for a minor punctuation error, "But I want to stay here with you. (comma)" Son said. I did like the way you started with his death and worked your way towards his birth, and overall, I thought it was a pretty interesting interpretation of the theme.


-----


*rubisco - It Happens Every Day*

Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

This story actually made me laugh out loud. Parts of it were absurdly funny, and it was definitely an interesting take to the theme, to make a mockery out of a simple trip to the dentist's office, especially by a general. (And not too far off how I approach a trip to the dentist!) You lost a couple points for punctuation--namely comma splices, which you seem to have a fondness for. Overall, it was a fun read.


-----


*Tettsuo - Steel Alive*

Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 9
Overall: 15

The story itself was pretty cool. I like that he died, but that they used his own theory on him and brought him back as a machine--apparently against his wishes. What lost you points on this one were a few run-on sentences, a few typos, and too many instances of over exaggerated punctuation (things like ?! and !!). That impacted the score you got on tone, as well. Overall, however, the idea was solid and entertaining


-----


*Bruno Spatola - Perfetta*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

Beautifully seductive and totally creepy. That's one of my favorite combinations. I loved the imagery and the descriptions, and the way the tone of him worshiping her and minding every detail of the situation sort of contradicts with what he actually does. The only reason I didn't give you a perfect score is because I'm not full-sure what actually happened. I'm guessing he slit her wrists (or some part of her) and then she used the knife on him while he kissed her. That, or he killed himself as he killed her. Not sure, so minus one point. Still an excellent story though.


-----


*alanmt - Inconsistency*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20

I finished reading and then sat here laughing for a good while. A brother who seduces his sister's lover in order to protect her and help her be a better person. It's a beautiful contradiction in itself. I didn't see any SPaG mistakes and the tone fit the story wonderfully. Serious, but with a hint of disdainful amusement. Great story.


-----


*Leyline - Pretty Girls In Nice Cars*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

Not a single flaw in SPaG, consistent tone, and a beautiful voice--everything I would expect from one of your stories. The only reason you didn't get a perfect score from me was because I felt the plot itself was too commonplace for one of your stories. I love the way you told the tale, and the first three paragraphs (and the third to last one) were breathtaking. The problem is that the language is what's going to resonate with me, not the actual story, and I've read too much of your work to let you off easy.


-----


*KyleColorado - Savior*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

I loved the way you made the night come alive through the shifting senses of your werewolf. The way the smells changed and the way the writing itself changed. It was very clever and beautifully done. I'm very particular about giving out perfect scores, however, and the reason you didn't get the full 20 points was because I knew how the story was going to end as soon as I realized he was a werewolf. The foreknowledge took away from the payoff when I reached the end and my suspicions were confirmed. Still a great story though.


-----


*Cadence - Frag ments*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

I didn't see any spelling or grammatical mistakes. You lost a point on tone just because I didn't like the choppiness. I know it was deliberate; it just didn't work for me. And while I enjoyed the tense but fast-paced feeling to this, the resolution was a little disappointing. Creepy, yes, but still not as cool as all the build-up had led me to believe. 


-----


*moderan - Bast Itch*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5 
Effect: 10
Overall: 20

Holy contradictions, batman! I know I said I was going to give you a 0 out of spite, but I can't do it. This was too great. I loved the Tom Swifties. I loved how the "hunter" returned with KFC. I loved how she said she was going to clean and then didn't--without even justifying it to herself. Loved everything. It's a rare thing to laugh from the beginning of a story all the way through to the end. Kudos, good sir. If I could give you a higher score than 20, I would.


-----


*Lewdog - Death is Unbecoming*

Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

The scene itself was entertaining enough--a mortician screwing around with his new apprentice. An acquaintance of mine comes from a long line of morticians, and this is precisely the thing I can picture him doing. What I didn't like was that while the picture you painted was entertaining, it didn't really go anywhere. I knew the mortician was just screwing around and I knew eventually that the apprentice would figure it out. Then it happened just like I figured it would, and then it ended. Doesn't pack much of a punch that way. You lost a point on SPaG for a few minor punctuation mistakes, and you lost a point on tone because I felt that you switched between names and titles too much. Mr. Branch - the apprentice. Newton - the mortician. It took me awhile before I was sure who was who.


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*Kevin - A little war*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 15

Your character is certainly interesting, but I felt that you didn't supply quite enough detail to really give this piece some weight. Plus, you had almost 100 extra words you could've played with. Nothing wrong on the technical side, but the tone didn't work for me because there were no names--nothing to discern which "he" was the reporter and which "he" was the MC. That got a little confusing. For everything that you tried to pack into this story--the war, the reporters, the MC's age--it might actually do better if it were expanded and brought to life a bit more.


-----


*Circadian - The Wraiths in the Catacombs*

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

Kind of a cool way to look at wraiths here. I knew he was going to die, but I didn't know that you were going to take it a step past that, to him becoming a wraith. That was a pleasant surprise, and like I said, kind of cool. His actual death, however, was a bit cliche. The whole reminiscing about his father and lamenting the fact that no one would know what happened to him. I'm not saying it's not realistic, but it is a bit predictable and overdone. I took a point off for tone because some of the sentence fragments didn't quite have the effect on me that you were going for. Overall, a cleanly written piece with a cool idea behind it.


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*bazz cargo - Pimp My Zimmer Frame*

Spelling/Grammar: 5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

Interesting take on nursing home life, I'll say that for sure. I cracked a bit of a grin at the thought of a balding punk with a purple Mohawk. No SPaG mistakes that I noticed. I took off a point for tone because there was so much room in this idea for you to have fun with the prose itself, but you didn't take advantage of it. You let the dialogue do all the work for you, and while it was funny, you could've made it more so with the extra 200 words you had at your disposal.


-----


*Staff Deployment - Time Frame*


Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

I liked the way you made photography the theme here, even in the way you told it. Brief snippets and scenes, like something out of a photograph. I also liked the way you matched the tense with when the snippets took place. Also, that was an interesting contradiction--the photographer who's supposed to notice small details and capture them never really noticed her eyes. The only reason you didn't get the full 20 points was because I'm reasonably sure you could cut the "Monday" and the "Friday" scene from this and not lose any of the effect. Everything that happened on Wednesday told us exactly what we needed to know. Still, a very good story.


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*spartan928 - Conscious Contradiction*

Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15

Well, you certainly nailed the contradiction aspect of things. Unfortunately, as soon as a young boy entered the picture, I knew where you were going with it, so that kind of ruined my enjoyment of the piece. In fact, given how much this particular subject has been beaten into the ground, I wonder if it might be more of a contradiction to have the priest not be attracted to David. On the technical aspects of things, there were a few little punctuation errors, and I took a point off for tone because the whole story felt like "talking heads" and not much else. Overall, though, it's a decent piece. You just took a commonplace approach to a commonplace issue.


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*namesake - The Ego Check of A King*

Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
Tone/Voice: 2.5
Effect: 5
Overall: 10

I'm not real sure what this story is about, and that makes it hard to give it a score. I think if you were to try to simplify your prose a little bit, it would make for a much easier read. In most cases, the sentences are really long and hard to follow. I'd suggest that next time, you try breaking them up. Focus on the most important things and don't be in too much of a hurry that you overload the sentences. There's nothing wrong with simplicity. 


----


*FleshEater - Liar*

Score: N/A

Very Chuck Palahnuik-esque. I liked a lot. The descriptions were very evocative, and poetic, even. I also like how you tricked us into think he really was beating the crap out of the guy, but then it ended up all being in his head. Awesome stuff, FE. Every new thing I read from you just keeps getting better and better.  


 

Jamie's scores



Arcopitcairn
"Zeugma Incorrect Boredom"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14/20

This required several readings, and even after several readings I'm still not sure what's going on. Because the story begins with death and ends with birth, I thought it was being told backwards, and that the end (beginning) is actually hell, but perhaps I'm way off. If I am then you've completely bamboozled me. If it IS hell then I'm not sure why he ends up there, and the story could have used that a little. The only other thought I had was that it's perhaps his life flashing before his eyes.

SPaG is almost perfect, and the only reason I've marked it down is because there are a few parts in need of punctuation, and the last part in particular is almost impossible to say in one breath. The tone is bleak throughout, and I think that was intentional.

It's well written, and you display a vibrant imagination, but a lot of this piece is description rather than narrative, and for me it was a little too much, taking me out of the story on more than one occasion. There were some parts I really enjoyed, such as "the insane sun was trying to burn through the earth to caress its molten brother at the core", but the downside is that you mentioned the sun or heat quite often in such a short piece, and I think it could have done with a little more explanation. A good solid effort though.


 * * *

Rubisco
"It Happens Every Day"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 16/20

I really enjoyed this, and overall it was probably my favourite use of the prompt, purely because it made me laugh. I guessed around halfway through where you would go with it, but the ending still had the desired effect. I loved how much of a baby the guy was while at the dentist and can easily relate to that. The stupidity of asking "Will I ever be able to eat again?" made me chuckle. I think you 
could have made it even better by convincing the reader that this was just a small child, which you did right up to the point where he says "Life is supposed to be without pain" and the receptionist calling him "Mr Gavin". After that we kind of know it's a fully grown man. With a little work you could make us believe it's a child right up until he's called "General Gavin".

There are a few SPaG errors. In the first sentence, a full stop is required after "I said" because you followed it with "Emanated" (past participle) rather than "Emanating", and a semicolon should be used after "perhaps it was just sweat" instead of a comma. The same can be said for the last part, after "I ain't got the patience for negotiation". You also left out "to" in the sentence "we're going use the ones they won't soon forget", and "comply to" should be "comply with".

The only reason I marked down the tone/voice was because there were four characters altogether and there was no difference in the way any of them spoke, which is something I'm currently working on improving myself. Good stuff though. Thanks.

* * *

Tettsuo
"Steel Alive"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 12/20

This was a nice idea but a little confusing. I can see where you've used the prompt, but something about it doesn't ring true. I can't help feeling that Dr Phillips wouldn't be working for months on end, away from his family, to perfect a brain transference process which he then wouldn't want used on his own brain in the event of his death. He acts like the whole thing is unnatural and terrifying when he's the one who's come up with the idea. I get that this is what makes it a contradiction, but it still niggles at me. And I just feel his wife's taking the whole thing a little better than she would.

There are quite a lot of mistakes with your SPaG. "Distance" should be "distant" in both instances, "Something wrong" should be "Something's wrong", "tear" should be "tears", "If anyone can help me it him" should be "If anyone can help me it's him", "you're process is a success" should be "your process is a success", "someone that" should be "someone who", and you also missed off the 's' on Dr Phillips' name on one occasion.

I lost track of who was saying what and to whom throughout the piece, possibly because there's a fair bit of inner monologue going on which is too close to the dialogue, and with several characters in the scene you need to make it clearer who's speaking. There was also a part where Denise was blamed for what's happened to Dr Phillips followed by Paul being called the "betrayer", making it confusing as to who is actually responsible.

The idea's a good one though, and with a little improvement would be all the better. Well done.


 * * *

Bruno Spatola
"Perfetta"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20

I really liked the tone of this. It's written in such a way that you can almost feel the serenity of the scene as you're reading it. I struggled a little to work out the relationship of the characters. He fetches her from the trunk of a car, she asks if they're going to be together, they seem in love but not really, there's no fear but then there is. It's a little hard to piece together. Has he kidnapped her? Do they know each other? Is she only saying these things and acting this way because she's been drugged?

A couple of tiny things: I'm not sure how she'd see her nakedness in the mirrored door while she's in the bath, or why he'd be surprised that she said "kiss me" when she's already asked if they're going to be together and seems relaxed in his company.

SPaG is near perfect, but "Solarity" (as far as I can see) isn't a word, and I'm not sure about "Valium" as a description for her eyes. Overall it's really well written, and I applaud the description of the surroundings and the intimacy between the two characters. Well done.

* * *

alanmt
"Inconsistency"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14/20

I liked the exchanges between all the characters in this, and the way you've used the prompt. I wasn't sure why Mike would say "you and another chick" to his sister when the 'other chick' was presumably himself. Perhaps I've misunderstood that, but it's a little unclear if or how she found out about the third party or if she's aware it's him. Also, in the translation part it says "because I kinda know you" - wouldn't he definitely know him if he'd been having an affair with him?

There are a few sentences which are a little wordy and could be tightened up easily, such as "I don’t know how you can claim any reasonable expectation that he wouldn’t mess around with other women." which could be shortened to "I don't know why you'd think he'd show you loyalty" or "I don't know why you'd think he wouldn't cheat on you", for example.

A few SPaG issues. A comma is needed after "...with narrow hostile eyes" (and after 'narrow') if followed by "Daring me to go on..." instead of a full stop. The same can be said for "And that he's a cheater" followed by "Because...", with "Oh, I don't know" followed by "Like having affairs...", and with "I am a firm believer in loyalty and monogamy" followed by "Which is why...". You've accidentally stuck a "their" in the sentence "People glance over at me from their behind their laptops...", and I had absolutely no idea what "CPOS" was or how someone would say that.

Liked it overall though.

* * *

Leyline
"Pretty Girls in Nice Cars"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20

An excellent piece and a great use of the prompt. The setting, descriptions, and flow of the story are all spot on, and I loved several parts in particular: "The gun is in my hand, like a magic trick", "the kind of pretty that it takes a ski mask to hide", and "pretending love for a handful of pills, hate in their hearts". All Brilliant. My only slight niggle would be that I'm not sure she'd so quickly give a ride to a guy she doesn't know when she's got drugs and money in the trunk of the car. That took me out of the story ever so slightly, as otherwise I was completely engrossed.

Can't fault you on SPaG or tone, apart from an incredibly tiny error where you used a capital 'Y' on "You could give me a lift to my car", which isn't a new sentence.

This could easily be developed further into a larger story. Really well done.

* * *

KyleColorado
"Savior"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 17/20

Really liked the way this story drops you into the action right away. It speeds along and feels ferocious and out of control, matching the content. Excellent work. I think the part about him turning towards the river because of the scent of fish is unnecessary, as you've just gone to great lengths to describe how good Amber smells. I don't know why he'd turn towards that when it's clearly Amber's scent that's the reason for him being at her door.

SPaG-wise, a few errors. "Liquifying" should be "Liquefying" and "shriveled" should be "shrivelled". I think there are perhaps too many fragments, but at the same time the short, snappy sentences are what build the tension, so I can't fault you too much on using so many. 

A couple of sentences I thought didn't read well:
"Carnations and chlorine and smoke, leather, the estrogenic blossom of sugar and pepper and sticky, sour sweet."
"Jolen wheezed. Smiling hurt. But he'd hurt. He'd hurt for her."
Both a bit of a mouthful. Did you mean "sweat" at the end of that first example and not "sweet"?

Overall though, really loved this, well done. The way it bolted along and felt uncontrollable was expertly done.

* * *

Cadence
"Frag Ments"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20

Not sure what to make of this, to be honest. Feels like a nightmare and perhaps that's what you were going for? Must have read it through a dozen times now, each time trying to work out who's who and what it's about. As far as I can tell, it's about an evil bear who makes people do things? But if it is then what's the deal with Jodie "hurting people"? And if the bear killed Jodie then why's there a poster asking if anyone's seen her when Joyce and Danny would have seen the bear kill her?

SPaG is ok. It's hard to fault it too much even if I'm not really a fan of the style. Tone is bleak and nightmarish, but it's pretty muddled at times and hard to work out who people are, where they are, and who's speaking.

I have to applaud the idea and the brave choice of style, but it didn't really work for me I'm afraid. It seems a little different to how you usually write, so well done for taking it on. I think if you rewrote this you'd be able to make it a lot easier to understand.

* * *

moderan
"Bast Itch"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14/20

I read this through four or five times, hoping to work out what the idea was, but I just couldn't get my head around it. On the one hand it fits the prompt, as the ideas within the story are inconsistent and humorous, but on the other I can't help feeling that the intention to confuse or amuse is overdone a little, as if it's taken for granted that the reader will 'get it', and I'm afraid I didn't, hence the low-ish score for effect. The piece reminded me of a Monty Python sketch in a way, and if that's your sense of humour then you'll love it. If not, it's a little too strange.

SPaG is near perfect, but the heavy use of adjectives throughout, plus the 'he said' 'she said', only harmed the flow, in my opinion, which is why I've marked it as 4/5 for both SPaG and Tone.

It's light-hearted and a bit of a jape, and I'm sure others will laugh all the way through, but for me it just didn't really go anywhere. Well written though, as expected.

* * *

Lewdog
"Death is Unbecoming"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20

I'll need you to explain where the prompt is used, as I can't see it after several read-throughs. Other than that I enjoyed it, giggled at the "pervert" part and enjoyed the exchanges. I think you need to work on giving each character their own voice (which I also need to work on myself) in order to bring more life to your writing. There were opportunities to do so within the writing, but you didn't take them. For example, the mortician's responses to Mr Branch make out that his apprentice is nervous, but there isn't anything in Mr Branch's dialogue to suggest he is. If you've imagined him as such then show us this when he speaks. Let us SEE him starting to relax by the end of the piece instead of telling us he is.

There are parts which can be shortened or removed altogether, such as the part where they enter the bar, take a seat, and the barman asks them what they want. If you rewrote that a few times I'd wager you'd cut it down to next to nothing and just have them entering and ordering a drink right away. Anything to do with taking a seat and the barman asking them what they want is implied and therefore unnecessary when you're aiming for less than 650 words. Your writing shows you can do this, so with a bit of work you'll nail it.

SPaG is decent with a few errors here and there, mostly punctuation. A comma is needed after "Sir" in "Sir isn't that..." and again after "I mean". And again after "Mr Branch" directly after. One isn't needed after "to be able to do your job best", nor after "If you learn only one thing from me". One is needed after "The apprentice" in the line "...who had been so business-like" and again after "point". "Do you comprehend me?" is a bit wordy and awkward. I'd use "Understand?" or "Do you understand?". Keep it simple, let it flow.

Overall, your writing shows potential. You just need some tightening here and there and a bit of work on the voices and punctuation. Well done.

* * *

Kevin
"A Little War"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14/20

This was a little hard to get to grips with in the beginning, as there isn't a clear distinction between voices and not a name in sight. I wasn't really a fan of the switching between thoughts, monologue, and speech - particularly if it's all in the same paragraph - and kept getting lost in it. You started to add "he thought" around halfway through when there was none of this at the beginning, and that made it a little worse for me.

SPaG is spot on apart from the paragraph structure as mentioned. Without names and descriptions I think the tone is lost somewhat, but maybe others won't have a hard time with it. The tone is hard to gauge as there isn't really a setting and I couldn't build an image of the characters. You say that he could sense fear in the reporter's voice, but there doesn't appear to be any. Also, perhaps the guy who's killed all these people would sound a little more menacing? Or at least, I'd expect him to.

Other than what I've mentioned the writing is good and the pace is fine, but I'd have liked to have seen a little more.

* * *

Circadian
"The Wraiths in the Catacombs"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20

The tone of this is very good and you set the scene well. I enjoyed it, and really liked the twist at the end. I think there's a little too much description in places, and perhaps some of that could have been replaced with an explanation as to how he came to be in the catacombs. After all, they're dangerous and crawling with wraiths, so why would he choose to be down there? Also, it's a little unclear if he's imagining what they look like or he actually knows. I think the latter would be better in terms of building a sense of dread.

SPaG has a few errors, most notably where you are ending a sentence with a comma and not a full stop. There are also a few instances where you should be using a semicolon, such as the very first line "...the wraiths in the catacombs" followed by "Swarming over the walls", and "My fate would never be known" followed by "One of the...". The sentence "I stood now in an underworld of uncertainty and fear and determined to hold my own." should really have a comma after "fear" and before "determined", losing the "and". Other than that, it's all good.

Overall, a really good effort, and with some tightening and some work on the punctuation you could take it further. I hope you do.

* * *

Bazz Cargo
"Pimp My Zimmer Frame"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20

Enjoyed this, Bazz. It was a little short at 440 words and I think you could have added a little more scenery or dialogue, but that's just my opinion, and I would have very much enjoyed hearing more from Derek and Mike. I love anything that makes me smile or chuckle as I read and it did that, especially the ending.

I'm not sure if people in their sixties are in old people's homes. Might be wrong on that but that seems a little young. Also, if Derek's a punk he's a pretty posh one. Not suggesting there aren't posh sounding punks out there, but for the purpose of the story I think giving both characters a unique voice would have added something. Do people queue for their food in old people's homes? Again, I don't know for certain, I just assumed they had it brought to them. I'm not sure what the mentioning of KFC is about either, and it seems a bit unnecessary.

SPaG is good but I noticed a few things. There's no need for a comma after "Derek" and "Mike" in the introductions. "Mohawk" doesn't need a capital letter, and I think that sentence needs a comma after "...at the back" and before "where it...".

A little more work on the voices and the setting and I think I would have scored it higher, but it's a warm, light-hearted piece nonetheless. Well done.

* * *

Staff Deployment
"Time Frame"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20

A good piece and a little sad. I'm guessing the reason Friday will pan out that way is because of the way Chris couldn't tell her what colour her eyes were? I'm not entirely convinced he wouldn't be able to see the colour of her eyes in his photos. After all, he's a photographer, so why wouldn't his pictures capture that?

Reading through this a few times I'm still not sure whether they're both taking photos at the same time, or if it's just Chris (except Monday) or if they're taking it in turns. The story starts off by making out Cyl is on a photography course, but it's Chris taking the photos, so that's a little confusing. How did they come to be at the picnic table together? What's their relationship? Are they friends or a teacher and student? I think the story would have been even better had this been explained.

SPaG, a few mistakes. "Emaculately" should be "Immaculately". In the 'Monday' section, the sentence "In the shot, Chris' hand clasped around the stem of the flower. High contrast, pink skin and yellow pedals" stood out for me as having a few mistakes. There should be an 's' on the end of "Chris'", a semicolon after "flower" instead of a full stop, and "pedals" should be "petals". A comma is needed after "In fact" in the first part. "Scuba Diving" shouldn't be hyphenated.

You switch from present tense to past tense when the story rewinds to Monday, which I presume is intentional, but then it switches to present tense again within the same section, and this was pretty confusing. I liked the format though and I think you should be applauded for attempting it. It's a solid effort.


 * * *


 Spartan928
"Conscious Contradiction"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 17/20

I liked this a lot. It's a little obvious, but you handled it well. The opening speech by Father Greeley is very well written in particular, and I liked the exchange between him and David. I think it was a little awkward when Greeley said "I bet you wouldn't do that", as that sort of comes out of nowhere after seeing him be so understanding just moments before. It's almost like he's suddenly mocking David and I think the piece would have been even better if that part could have been changed to match the earlier compassion.

Just a couple of SPaG mistakes, minor ones as well. There should be a comma after "The boys even skinny dip in the lake", another after "It's just being natural in nature", and another after "I bet you wouldn't do that". There should be a full stop after "Nobody bothers us" as there are two separate statements there.

A very brave use of the prompt, well done.

* * *

namesake
"The Ego Check of a King"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Effect: 3/10
Overall: 7/20

I disliked scoring this as it's virtually impossible, I'm afraid. Leaving aside the countless grammatical errors for a second, I just don't know what the story is attempting to say. I'm guessing that English is not your first language, and if that's the case then a sincere well done is in order for entering the competition, as it must be very, very difficult. I read it through a dozen times, attempting to give a higher score but I just couldn't.

Spelling is absolutely fine (apart from “welds” should be “wields”, but the number of sentences that make no sense at all far outweigh the ones that do, and this makes the whole piece unreadable. A few examples:

"As a king I had slain many but my fortune mistook me one day when I meet someone who at the end of the day."
"I had to put the finishing touches as my duty as king and passions went first."
"The once mission of changing cowards was my game of the throne."
"Drops of water, bestowed my face, as I had seldom seen rage, unjustified."
"I never knew the real truth of what it was truth."
"Only in the winter does it the world’s time go by slowly like a rose and the leaves fall."
"A pardon is in order to be and will be executed as ordered at the time of year people I chose less."

Like I said before, if it's because this isn't your first language then I applaud your effort, but as far as scoring this goes (or giving you advice in this feedback) it's incredibly difficult.

* * *

FleshEater
"Liar" (Judge Entry)

Liked this, FleshEater, especially "The tough guy attitude’s run down his leg, lying in a puddle on the floor." It's a nice, horrible little piece and pretty much sums up where we've all been at one point or another. I reckon you should have ended it right after he asks if he’s listening though, for better impact. The last few lines are just re-treading what went before, and take something away from the twist.

Good stuff though. Brutal.


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## moderan (Feb 25, 2013)

Hey! Congratulations to the winners! Good work. And thanks to the judges for their time and effort. LOL...it's clear that I was unclear-you kinda hafta be in a long term relationship or to be married to "get" a lot of the jokes. "Bast" is the cat goddess. She has an "itch", and it's a real "bastich".


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## Jeko (Feb 25, 2013)

Heh. Broke every rule I have and got a decent score.

Experiment successful.

Thanks for all the judges for their comments, and congrats to all the winners!


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## Leyline (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks to the judges for their time, effort and the nice things they said. Congrats to Kyle and Bruno.  I'll be back in a bit with some comments (on the critiques and on stories I really liked from the other entrants) as soon as I'm finished doing *sigh* this laundry.


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## Bruno Spatola (Feb 25, 2013)

I'm really pleased the judges pretty much understood the story. I was worried that a mute main character would make it obscure to the point of frustration, but I can see I had nothing to fear. Thank you all for the kind words; it's raised my confidence a great deal. It was the first story I'd written and finished in over two years, so I felt out of sorts. Moderan's thread about what we'd achieved in the last year forced me to analyse myself and actually _do something. _I'm glad I did.

*@Flesheater*: Even though I enjoy making up words and think they're valid, it was fair you docked points for that. I personally don't think I used that many unusual words, but your opinion is duly noted. It's important not to alienate. I suppose I wrote it for myself more than anyone else, you know? Perhaps that was inconsiderate in a way. I'll take it on board, thanks. Your description of my story as, "morbidly romantic" made me grin. That sums up what I was going for exactly.   

*@lasm*: I'm happy you felt that slow pacing I went for. I wasn't sure if it was obvious or not. You're spot on about me breaking paragraphs, too, and even though it was intentional -- to highlight the obsessive, ordered way my character thinks -- it's fair to see that as a downfall. I would reign that in a bit in hindsight.

Thanks for complimenting me on my descriptions. I thought I was far too purple to be honest, but no-one complained(!). About the taffeta, consider me corrected; I based my idea of what taffeta is on a cartoon called _The Tailor of Gloucester_, so it's no surprise to me it didn't work. I'll do more research next time. 

Thanks again for your time and help. It's greatly appreciated.       

*@Tiamat*: It was creepy, right? I felt like such a sicko after I wrote it, ha. I'm secretly pleased about that, though . . . and that I seduced you. Mwahaha. 

You correctly said that my MC's behaviour contradicts with his love of this woman's beauty and the way he treats her like a piece of rare art or something. That was inspired by the prompt -- that's what the whole story was, a contradiction. You pretty much picked up on everything I put in there, which makes me fuzzy inside. 

At the end, though, to clear things up, my main character was _just about_ to cut the woman's wrists when she said, "kiss me". She could see that, even though she'd fallen in love with this mysterious guy who'd promised all kinds of things before drugging her, he had something else in mind. It took her a while to realize that in the state she was in. So, begrudgingly, she grabbed the knife he left on the bath and killed him. They really did love each other, as sick as it sounds. 

Thanks for the lovely compliments :love_heart:

*@Jamie*: Firstly, great reviews all round! I think you were very fair to the entrants.

The way you describe my story highlights the contradictions within it, I think. That sounds like a lame author's excuse, but it really was intentional, I swear. I wanted someone reading it to be somewhat confused, but not too much. I may have overdone it though, so you're justified in pointing it out as a possible flaw. I won't argue! You're pretty much right about the story from my point of view; you're spot on from your own, though .  

I made up the word solarity, yeah. I thought it made sense, even though it doesn't exist. Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it a lot.

Thanks again everyone. I'm over the moon with third place -- almost tearful, but not quite. Shh, I'm silly, leave me be! Excellent work from all involved.

 Congrats *Leyline*, *KyleColorado*. Can't believe I'm anywhere near you two, ha. 'Tis an honour sirs *bows*


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## spartan928 (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks judges for the excellent feedback. It's a lot of fun participating in LM and reading the diverse interpretations of the prompt. Congrats to the winners, well deserved.


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## Lewdog (Feb 25, 2013)

A few of the judges had problems realizing what the contradiction was in my story.  I tried to point it out when the mortician said, "don't let life be the death of you."   Basically the mortician is trying to point out to his new apprentice, that no matter what type of job you have, don't take life so seriously to the point the stress can shorten your life-span..  C'est la vie.

Thanks for your time!


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## Leyline (Feb 25, 2013)

First off, I want to express my personal shock at the high scores. Haha. This one topped out at 1,600 words and I pretty much lost faith in it as I whittled it down. I considered trying another go at the prompt, but I entered something of a writing slump around that time and it was a struggle just to work on my main projects. So, I'm quite pleased to see that maybe that was just my own personal view of the shortened story, and it gives me restored faith that the LM is one of the sharpest 'improve-your-writing' tools in the WF arsenal, teaching compression and the painful art of cutting straight to the heart of a story. It's also a valuable reminder of just how important critique can be -- not only can it point out where a story is lacking, it can prove that the authorial view is far from objective and that readers may well think quite differently. 

BTW, this is the second in my continuing series about the same as-yet-unnamed narrator from my story _Burnt_. I'm currently expanding on the longer version and it's taking shape nicely, and this is a very nice boost to the ego that will make the writing more enjoyable. After that I will dive into his longest tale yet, (working -- and probably final -- title: _"...beautiful useless things"_) where I'm determined to give him a name and put him in a situation where he is far from in control. 

*Flesheater:  *I'm glad you loved the voice, because these stories are all about voice, in the finest hard-boiled tradition. I'm also glad that I caught you by surprise a couple of times. I agree on the need for a linking of his initial comments, that was one of the hardest things to cut. In effect, he considered those mentioned girls to be sad but basically harmless contradictions. His target was a different story -- she'd actually killed people he cared about in the commission of her contradictory ways.  Thanks for your time and kind comments.

*lasm: *Glad the character, voice and surprises worked for you. But I almost wish you'd docked me a bit for my SpaG oversights. How am I supposed to build the legend of the laser lady if you allow sentimentality to block the fiery path of your burning rays of grammatical justice? :shock: Actually, I was thrilled to get a 20 from you, so thanks for making my day. 

*Tiamat:* Fair call on the commonality of the plot, Steph. No excuse, but it was much twistier in the original. Glad the rest worked well for you, and especially proud that you loved that third-from-last paragraph. 

*Jamie: *Fair call as well on her readiness to give the narrator a ride. Another sacrifice to the LM Gods that I was worried and a bit bummed about. I'm glad you could look past it and enjoy the rest to such a degree though. That means a lot.



And, I've rambled and need to take clothes off the line. Will comment on some of the other entries when I've made the world safe with clean socks and fresh sheets!


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## Staff Deployment (Feb 25, 2013)

Congratulations Bruno, Kyle and Leyline!
Thanks as well to our judges. I think the differences in scores the judges gave my piece, and most other pieces, is very interesting. Means we got a very diverse group.

All the best for the next round!


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## Deleted member 49710 (Feb 25, 2013)

Leyline said:
			
		

> But I almost wish you'd docked me a bit for my SpaG oversights. How am I supposed to build the legend of the laser lady if you allow sentimentality to block the fiery path of your burning rays of grammatical justice?



Ha, I'd been grading all day when I did these, knowing that was the only time I had to do it, so my students had softened me up for you guys. After a couple hours I'm just happy if the verbs are conjugated correctly. Next time I judge I'll make sure to be my usual snarly perfectionist self. In the meantime, consider your score lowered to 19.5, for those lapses in punctuation.


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## bazz cargo (Feb 25, 2013)

Congratulations to Leyline, kyle and Bruno.


 A big thanks to Potty, Fin and the judges.


 @ Flesh Eater.
 Stunning appraisal. Mind you I have googled margarined and it is out there. A kick in the writer's pants is exactly what I need. Thank you.


 @ Lasm.
 I kind of got a feeling about this one. I have now got a title-The Coffin Dodgers. There is going to be some work done; especially now I have had some help. Thank you


 @ Tiamat.
 Very fair. Mind you, I was trying to keep it short, cos you judges were about to be inundated with lots of reading. Glad I got a grin out of you. Thanks Goddess.


 @ Jamie.
 Good judging. Helps me see where I need to go. I have some friends who still live the punk ethos; they are all well spoken, balding, middle class twerps.


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## Jamie (Feb 25, 2013)

To be honest, I did quite enjoy judging the round, even though my head was hurting by the end of it all. I'd feared the prompt would lead to lots of head scratching and that hunch proved correct.

I wanted to be consistent with the scoring and followed the adjudication thread as much as possible to make sure I was. I also wanted to give more than just a couple of lines of feedback, feeling that you all deserved that for the time taken to write your entries. If anyone has any questions regarding their score or feedback then feel free to pm me.

And well done to everyone who entered. Oh, and the other judges, who probably felt as confused as I did by the end.


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## moderan (Feb 25, 2013)

> I couldn’t get into this at all because of the self-awareness this story embraced.


 I don't understand what this means. Could you clarify, that I might improve?
I also don't understand why I can't use adverbs or adjectives. Not sour grapes, but I don't understand. Personal peccadilloes are not objective standards, but I've had editors with similar preferences. 
No big, as I felt that this was a substandard piece (I have witnesses that can attest to that) and am surprised not to be bringing up the rear.


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## FleshEater (Feb 25, 2013)

moderan said:


> I don't understand what this means. Could you clarify, that I might improve?
> I also don't understand why I can't use adverbs or adjectives. Not sour grapes, but I don't understand. Personal peccadilloes are not objective standards, but I've had editors with similar preferences.
> No big, as I felt that this was a substandard piece (I have witnesses that can attest to that) and am surprised not to be bringing up the rear.



Basically, what I meant was the cleverness of the piece playing over and over and never letting up on it made it seem self aware.

You can use whatever you want, the overuse of the adverbs and adjectives grinded my nerves. 

I scored everything else 5/5; the story itself just fell flat for me, because, like I said, was like a bad joke that just wouldn't give up. Maybe one or two of the rhyming adverbs would have worked, but that's all the story turned into. 

Solid writing, just didn't effect this guy positively.


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## moderan (Feb 25, 2013)

Hmm. Oh well. One lives and learns.


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## Lewdog (Feb 25, 2013)

moderan said:


> Hmm. Oh well. One lives and learns.




I thought I did better as well, but somehow I wasn't able to get the point of my contradiction across as well as others.  Let's go cry in a couple of brewskis and celebrate my retirement.


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## moderan (Feb 25, 2013)

Ok. I'll buy the first round. Jagers too.


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## Kyle R (Feb 26, 2013)

Congrats, Leyline! Great story, strong voice.

Bruno, bravo to you, too! Very nicely done.

I actually thought all the stories were very good and/or inspiringly clever, in their own unique ways. I'm glad I got a chance to participate and will now shake my fist at Leyline for stealing the covetted podium. *shakes fist* 

Hi, *FleshEater*! Sorry the ending didn't do it for you. This was my first time writing a werewolf. I've never read any werewolf fiction so I just wanted to dive in and experiment with the genre. I do agree with you that a more creative ending would have been better. My apologies for the over-writing. The moon was full while I typed. Sometimes it turns me into a beast.  Thanks for the feedback, cheers!

Hello, *Lasm*! I'm glad the style changes and sensory descriptions worked for you. My apologies for going over the top with exclamation marks. That's probably something that has rubbed off on me from reading too much Bradbury.  I also agree with you about the bladder line, I made a funny face at it when I wrote it, but I have a rule with flash fiction that I don't allow backspacing until I finish the story. It came out of it me, and I left it there when I did the read-through. I kind of like it. Who doesn't love a good bladder kick? I say, don't knock it 'til you try it. Thanks for reading and the encouraging words!


Heyllo, *Steph*! I'm happy the story came alive for you, and that Delon's sensory experience translated well through the text. But there you go again, always predicting my endings! *shakes fist* (I like to shake my fist. It's fun, you should try it... ... DO IT!!) One day I will write a story that goes, "Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of -- WHABAM!!! A flying saucer dumped a herd full of cows dressed in tutus onto the field, while shouting through a megaphone, 'URTH. ALL YUR MELK IS NOW BELONGS TO US,'" just to catch you off guard. But you'll probably end up having seen it coming.  Thanks for the encouraging praise, and the feedback!

Hi, *Jamie*! I'm glad this piece seemed to plow along for you, that type of momentum is something I'd be happy to achieve in all my stories, if I could. I have no idea why Delon noticed the fish--once I began writing him, I lost all control of his actions. He even climbed out of my computer screen for a short period, slashed through my house, and terrorized the neighbor's cat, for which I had to apologize. "Liquifying" and "shriveled" are correct spellings in my country. I believe the alternate spellings depend on where we live. I did indeed mean "sweet," as in sweetness, in that sentence, which is why it might have confused you, because of the grammar-slip, though I changed it intentionally because I liked the cadence and the rhythm, kind of a whirlwind of prose, going for that effect you mentioned. I also like fragments too, at times. I picked it up from reading a bit too much of McCarthy. *blames him*  Thanks for reading and the feedback! Cheers!


(Sorry about all the smileys. Pretend you're playing Whack-A-Mole.)


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## alanmt (Mar 2, 2013)

Congrats Leyline, Kyle and Bruno!   Well deserved.

And as always, thanks so much to the judges for their time and hard work.

Flesheater:  Those fragments are a style choice, but if they detract from the flow, then not a good one.  My writing can be a bit choppy, and editing to within the word limit increases that. The summary at the end is another result of more story than available words. Further revision before posting was in order.  You have a solid eye.  Thanks!

Lasm:  darn it! I could have used contractions, lowered my word count, and had more room for other words!     You're right: these people are all jerks. Althought he one who realizes his own jerkiness is the least jerky of the group.  Ironically, I despise watching a movie and realizing partway through that I can't stand any of the characters in it.  I tried to pack in as many contradictions as I could, and human sexual behavior seemed a fertile area.

Tiamat:  Please judge more often!  hehehe  Thank you for the great compliments. I am glad it made you laugh.  

Jamie: You definitely hit upon the weaknesses of the piece.  I agree, to the extent any word choices distract, they should be changed.  And I was wondering about that bit of prolixity, but ended up not changing it before submission. I ought to have. CPOS is an acronym that unkindly describes one who cheats.  if you google "CPOS cheating", you will see what it stands for.

Thank you all!


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