# Patience -- Very short story(550 wds)



## cacafire (Jul 3, 2010)

Anastacio Hernandez was a patient man, but even he had his limits, and his younger brother was sorely testing them. Being retired, it was not every day that he could look forward to company. Old men like him did not often have visitors they could look forward to.

      He swished the posole around in his mouth and tore off another piece of the warm tortilla in his hand. Then gulping it down, calmly drummed his fingers on the hardwood table. Losa had been telling him about--one of those new gadgets a person could buy. Un cel, he thought it was called. As time passed, the option of letting her buy him one became more atractive. Goro was taking his sweet time. Madre de dios.

      Anastacio took another spoonful of soup and then walked outside the aluminum screen door. It slammed behind him with a metal slap. "All right, breakfast time, you red gordas! Gonna eat you one of these days!" He grabbed a fistfull of chicken feed and the hens started clucking. They ran around him in circles, begging to be fed and scratching the rug that he had lay out on the ground to prevent the growing of weeds.

      In the background, an old plastic radio played tinny conjunto music, and brown-skinned man wagged his finger to the tune. He was sad, because it seemed like his younger brother was not going to show up, but at the same time, he always found a way to get on without him, and to entertain himself alone.

      Castrado, Anastacio's little puppy, was busy humping a stuffed betty boop in the corner of the kitchen where the stove was. When the old man came back inside, the little dog looked up just long enough to bark encouraginly. Cervantes was perched on the couch, looking through the phone book.

      "Where is that man?" Anastacio said in spanish. He pulled out his binoculars and began to spy on the neighboorhood, which usually meant checking on the neighboorhood fig trees to see if the neighboorhood figs were ripe. The old man would watch them for hours: He swore he could see them grow if he put the instrument on 10x zoom.

      "You see anything good today?" Officer de la Cabeza stupida had asked one time. The old man counted off thirteen figs that were ripe.

      "You're looking at figs."

      "Sì, Sì, Señor"

      "…Say. Ain't you missing something good on TV?"

      "No, stupido. Now go away." Anastacio's brother had no trouble arriving at the station _that_ time. Nowadays, the binoculars conspicuously "dissapear" every time a police car goes down Disvestir Street.

      But alas, even fig watching gets boring sometimes, and now the older brother was at his limit. He had gone through three bowls of posole. He had fed his chickens. He had read every book in his library. It was impossible to play dominoes with oneself. And so know Anastacio hernandez simply sat in his chair with a pack of cigarillos and smoked and drank cerveza.

      "This is going to be the death of me." He mused. But not for long, because at long last, the sound of his younger brother's antique 1963 ford pickup truck reached his ears. It could be heard as far away as alaska, and at long last, Anastacio Hernandez jumped for joy. "Ah! My back!" was all he said.

A small story. I hope you guys like it.
Sincerely,
El hombre con la cabeza bonita y pànche, Cacafire.


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## Extremity (Jul 4, 2010)

This was a funny read; I enjoyed the desciptions of what the man does while he's waiting, especially the portion about the figs. One thing that seems to be problem throughout the piece is capitalization. Betty Boop is the name of a character and I'm fairly sure it should be capitalized. Ford is the name of a brand. Alaska is a state. All should be capitalized. I'm new to writing in general, so I'm not sure about tackling any other issues that may be present, but I can at least mention the capitalization issues. 

Thanks for a quick read while my own family is testing _my_ patience.


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## cacafire (Jul 5, 2010)

Thank you, extremity. You've really lifted up my spirits. I had critiqued several other stories, so I was beginning to wonder why no one would critique mine. 

Sincerely,
El hombre que cambia se gafas por tù, Cacafire.


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## Vagarious (Jul 6, 2010)

Cacafire,

You have a couple of mistakes here and there, mostly things that are easily fixed. But, I hate to say that I got completely confused by the second paragraph. I think you should sit down and survey the story, add some more details in certain places. You also use a lot of the same words over and over again in your sentences, which really pulled me out of the story quickly. Interesting idea, it just needs a polish.


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## caelum (Jul 6, 2010)

Hey Cacafire, this is a lot of fun.  Has a great vibe ringing  throughout it, and I laughed when the guy said, "Ah!  My back!"

I would do the following paragraph differently.  I'll post my version.


> In the background, an old plastic radio played tinny conjunto music, and  brown-skinned man wagged his finger to the tune. He was sad, because it  seemed like his younger brother was not going to show up, but at the  same time, he always found a way to get on without him, and to entertain  himself alone.


vs.


> In the background, an old plastic radio played tinny conjunto music.  The  brown-skinned man wagged his finger to the tune. He was sad because it  seemed like his younger brother was not going to show up, but even if he didn't he would find a way to get on without him and entertain himself alone.


I drastically change the end of the paragraph, inserting new words, because I don't quite feel, "but at the same time".


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## eclectic_specialist (Jul 6, 2010)

I really enjoyed this, especially the ending.  I think that the bits of Spanish and idiosyncratic descriptions of the man's day really make this shine.  They definitely did the job for me.


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## cacafire (Jul 7, 2010)

Thanks guys. Caelum, I've updated the story where you suggested, as I like your idea. And everyone, if you would pm me which stories you'd like me to critique, it would greatly help me stay organized and return the favors, guys. I promise, I'll put my heart into critiquing yours.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 7, 2010)

cacafire said:


> Anastacio Hernandez was a patient man, but even he had his limits, and his younger brother was sorely testing them. Being retired, it was not every day that he could look forward to company. Old men like him did not often have visitors *they could look forward to.* Leave this out, he is already looking forward in the previous sentence
> 
> He swished the posole around in his mouth and tore off another piece of the warm tortilla in his hand. Then gulping it down, calmly drummed his fingers on the hardwood table. Losa had been telling him about--one of those new gadgets a person could buy. Un cel, he thought it was called. As time passed, the option of letting her buy him one became more atractive. Goro was taking his sweet time. Madre de dios.
> 
> ...



Sorry about the red line crit, but my computer will not do copy and paste sometimes


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## The Backward OX (Jul 7, 2010)

Olly Buckle said:


> my computer will not do copy and paste sometimes


A likely story!


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## SparkyLT (Jul 9, 2010)

> Being retired, it was not every day that he could look forward to company. Old men like him did not often have visitors they could look forward to.


These two sentences basically say the same thing, so I'd get rid of or rewrite one.



> He swished the posole . . .


I'm ignorant. What's posole?



> Then gulping it down, calmly drummed his fingers on the hardwood table.


There's no subject to this sentence. I'm guessing it was just a case of getting distracted and leaving out a word - I do that all the time 



> Losa had been telling him about--one of those new gadgets a person could buy.


Losa is ... his sister? Daughter? Wife?



> Anastacio took another spoonful of soup . . .


So posole's soup? Can you say that earlier?



> It slammed behind him with a metal slap.


Having both 'slammed' and 'slap' in the same sentence seems a little contradictory, since to my mind slamming and slapping are different sounds. I'd suggest "It closed behind him with a loud metal slap".



> He grabbed a fistfull of chicken feed and the hens started clucking.


So ... is he now holding posole, tortilla, and a fistful (note: fistful's spelled with one L) of chicken feed?  Man's got skills.



> . . . and brown-skinned man wagged his finger to the tune.


_The_ brown-skinned man, I think you meant.



> Cervantes was perched on the couch, looking through the phone book.


Whoever is Cervantes? Why is he looking through the phonebook? Does he do that for fun? (But mainly, who is he?)



> "Where is that man?" Anastacio said in spanish.


Spanish, as a proper noun, should be capitalized.



> . . . and began to spy on the neighboorhood, . . .


Neighborhood - one O in the middle part.



> The old man would watch them for hours: He swore he could see them grow if he put the instrument on 10x zoom.


I think you want a semicolon in place of that colon. They can be a little tricky to figure out, but most commonly, colons are used right before a list (like "Things I need from the grocery store: eggs, milk, cereal, bread") and semicolons are _similar_ to a period, but you don't need to capitalize after one. Or a colon, for that matter.



> "You see anything good today?" Officer de la Cabeza stupida had asked one time. The old man counted off thirteen figs that were ripe.
> 
> "You're looking at figs."


Since both bits of speech here are from the officer, you should really put them on the same line.



> . . . the binoculars conspicuously "dissapear" every time a police car goes down Disvestir Street.


Disappear - one S, two Ps.



> And so know Anastacio hernandez simply sat in his chair with a pack of cigarillos and smoked and drank cerveza.


Forgot to capitalize his last name. Also know -> now



> "This is going to be the death of me." He mused.


The period at the end of the speech should be a comma, and 'he' shouldn't be capitalized. Dialogue punctuation confused me for the longest time, so I feel your pain here.



> . . . antique 1963 ford pickup truck reached his ears. It could be heard as far away as alaska, and at long last, Anastacio Hernandez jumped for joy. "Ah! My back!" was all he said.


Antique + 1963 = redundant. If it's from '63, we know it's old. Plus 'Alaska' should be capitalized.


Cute little story. I like the fig-watching part  But I have to say the ending did nothing for me, except make me feel a little let down. It didn't _go_ anywhere, just (quite literally) a lot of anticipation with no payoff. Have you considered extending the end some?


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## Living on a Prayer (Jul 9, 2010)

Other than the capitalization and fragment errors, this is fine grammatically. I liked the concept and the older brother character. A good, solid read. With some work it could be excellent. Liked it though!


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## darknite_johanne (Jul 9, 2010)

encouraginly- just something I caught.

It's a really funny story. I enjoyed it.


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## cacafire (Jul 9, 2010)

Thanks guys, I'm incorporating the advice into the piece right now.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 9, 2010)

cacafire said:


> Thanks guys, I'm incorporating the advice into the piece right now.



Careful with that, the fact that your English does not match standard recieved English adds a lot of flavour to your wtiting and places it geographically without you ever mentioning a place. You have to decide which bits make the meaning inaccessible and which add something. 
 Sometimes small details tell a lot, for example, what does he feed his chickens? In Sussex he would probably have a handful of "Layer's Mash" proprietary chicken feed, I have a feeling this gentleman would have something more locally produced.


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## Deleted member 14306 (Jul 17, 2010)

Sparky provided great feedback already concerning internal improvements & grammar. Cool story, but didn't like the ending.

Castrado, Anastacio's little puppy, was busy humping a stuffed betty boop in the corner of the kitchen where the stove was. When the old man came back inside, the little dog looked up just long enough to bark encouraginly
^Haha @ Castrado

I can tell your fingertips are slightly dusty, Caca. Keep working with this, add more aromas, minimize the amount of characters, maybe try to centralize the story on the old man, because it begins and ends with him. Its a small, humorous journey into the interesting part of an average day in his life. I feel like I'm getting the dosage of a cute hispanic offering. I want a meaty bowl of hearty meat! (spicy salsa included)

Keep doing you


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## Xhale (Jul 23, 2010)

Lol, I was cracking up as I read this; which happens very rarely. 

Good work man. There are a few grammar issues but it looks like everyone has pointed them out already. You are a talented storyteller. Keep em' coming!


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## Crash_Tomas (Jul 23, 2010)

haha, I liked it. It was funny and at the same time had a truth in it. The spanish incorporated was slyly done, because even if you don't know the language, you can still make out what is being said. =) good job.


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