# where the wind blows



## ned (Aug 15, 2017)

.
A swing from hazy summer days
begins to gently sway

and I am bitten by the nip,
smitten by the freshness
of the westerly breeze

whispering in the trees
'put on your golden dresses,
let down your auburn tresses'

for the season's on the turn
like the wind and the leaves.


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## sas (Aug 15, 2017)

Not sure about word "from" on first line. Seems off. Maybe

a swing *on* hazy summer days
begins to gently sway

a swing *in* hazy summer days
begins to gently sway


Hmmm.


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## Pete_C (Aug 15, 2017)

Here's my issue: you ignore capitalisation and punctuation, until it suits you. Please, learn as soon as possible that these mere trinkets of language exist to help the reader, and in turn help your work. I know some will never get past cummings, but this could improve with proper structure!

That said, reading the above, I think 'from' is the right word, as I see this as a statement of historical (albeit short term) change.

Some of the imagery is a little predictable, maybe a tad cliched in places, but is still works. It's not my favourite season turning piece, and for my tastes is a bit placid, but is has some nice phrasing. Sadly, the balance between nice and predictable is verging on the twee for me.

Despite this, the dresses/tresses phrasing works well for me. I'd just either like more poetic phrasing, or some less obvious autumnal references.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Aug 16, 2017)

Ned, capitial letters next time! Even though mentioned but keep it as that.


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## escorial (Aug 16, 2017)

A bit tame and whispy an I enjoy it when a poet can deliver many different feelings and emotions when compared to their other works, sometimes  it can make me appreciate the many styles at ones disposal..


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## ned (Aug 16, 2017)

hello all, thank you for reading and commenting -

there seems to be an issue over the punctuation, but I don't see it - was the poem unreadable?
there are no hard and fast rules (for the sake of them) in poetry - 
writing a poem gives you the licence to have some fun.

OK - the poem is basically one sentence, so it's an easy fix to capitalize the 'a' and add a full-stop.
if it is considered improved and more proper, so be it...

twee, lame and cliches, yes - but that's how it is in a seasonal poem - the imagery is inherent.
all you can do is express these old ideas in a different and hopefully interesting way.

this poem is just a simplistic, wistful look at that moment of change - not so much about the message,
but the cadence of the phrasing.

Sas - whatcha on about? - I think you're hanging on the wrong tense...
did the rest of it swing?

cheers........Ned


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## andrewclunn (Aug 16, 2017)

I hope you'll forgive me, but I just started marking up the piece and making a ton of changes.  So I'll just put it here:

I am bitten by the nip,
and smitten by the freshness
of the westerly breeze

which end the hazy days of summer
and starts an empty swing to sway

"Put on your golden dresses,
let down your auburn tresses"
it whispers in the trees

For the season's on the turn
like the wind runs through the leaves


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## ned (Aug 16, 2017)

hello Andrew - not an improvement as I read it, for all sorts of reasons...re- the above reply.

but I'm happy that my poem inspired you to have a go....and who knows, given you a few ideas.

cheers........Ned


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 18, 2017)

Re punctuation, "and I am bitten by the nip, smitten by the freshness, of the westerly breeze', I think 'smitten by the freshness' is a sub clause and deserves a comma each end, not that it spoiled my enjoyment.

'put on your golden dresses,
let down your auburn tresses'
Could sound a bit predictable and cliche at first, I am not sure if it is what Pete is refering to, but my feeling is that is because the rhyme and metre work so well, and really it is quite clever. Nice one, Ned.


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## Darkkin (Aug 18, 2017)

There is a Brendan James song, _Windblown_ whose opening piano run echoes what you've embodied in words.  A bright, playful piece for a tempestuous, fickle season.  The only nit I have is with the last line of S2 and the first line of S3, you have a rhyme pair and then again with the dresses/ tresses.  From a visual aspect and that of assonance it is a lot of e's and eses competing in not much real estate.  The cadence seems like it should flow, but the spuratic rhyme schemes are playing havoc with my senses.  (It is a quirk resulting from the reader, not the writing in this case, but there is an attempt at a pattern, a two prime, but it isn't completely established.  Like a puzzle left undone, it nags.)  It is a good piece, but something is slightly out of tune.

e.g.

whispering in the trees,
to dance gowned in gold,
fiery tresses swirling free.


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## urbandekay (Aug 18, 2017)

sas said:


> Not sure about word "from" on first line. Seems off. Maybe
> 
> a swing *on* hazy summer days
> begins to gently sway
> ...



'Of'


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## Charles (Aug 19, 2017)

He uses "from" because the season is on the turn. That's what I think.


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 20, 2017)

Just what I got Charles, then it was being a swing for children, a something, now it swings idly in the wind, a nothing. Nice contrast. The only word in that line that catches my critical eye is 'hazy', a bit cliche, but it seems to work well here.

Edit, I also just realised why the title seems familiar, was that the follow-up to 'The snowman', or was it 'When the wind blows'? I don't know if it was deliberate, but it adds a little to the sense of the abandoned swing.


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## ned (Aug 20, 2017)

hello all - thank you for reading and commenting -

yes Darkkin, you're probably right that the rhymes are overdone - I just can't help myself!

Olly - yes, I'm aware of the Raymond Briggs book - I gave it to my father one Christmas.

thank you Charles - a swing of the wind from the past season - and a physical remnant of summer days, hopefully.

cheers.......Ned


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