# War Graves



## ned (Oct 29, 2017)

.
should we cry
to a funeral tune
a slow-march song

perchance to die
before too soon
before too long

and should we end
this ceremony
still the swinging gate

perchance to mend
before too many
before too late


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## escorial (Oct 29, 2017)

the 2s in 2 stanza make it a bit flat


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## ned (Oct 29, 2017)

cheers Esc - but flat is fine.


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## escorial (Oct 29, 2017)

For me words can be read in a mono or stero format
..flat would be an example of a mono experience...both can add or detract from a piece...


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## Sumguy (Oct 29, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> should we cry
> to a funeral tune
> a slow-march song
> ...



This really got me thinking. Fantastic pondering prompt for Sunday morning, thanks Ned. The last two lines are simple genius.


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## dannyboy (Oct 30, 2017)

good work ned, I just hope we cry and get angry enough to try and stop it - I also like the last 2 lines.


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## ned (Oct 30, 2017)

hello - thank you Danny for your considered and kind critique.

but getting angry could be part of the problem, and the last thing I wish to convey.

in my mind, and probably only in my mind, this poem is double-edged...

cheers..........Ned


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## Darren White (Oct 30, 2017)

This is very effective and it paints in only a few words a whole feeling, atmosphere and scene before my eyes. Plus that question...
And yes, that end rhyme you used works great.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> should we cry
> to a funeral tune
> a slow-march song
> ...



This is good. Simple, reads rather like an epitaph (is that the intent?). Reading it I felt like I was reading a fragment and wanted a few more verses but I’m not disappointed.


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## ned (Oct 31, 2017)

hello Darren and VB - thank you for reading and commenting.

yes, this is one of those poems that seems to know more than I do.

the perspective could be an epitaph, a mourner, a veteran, or perhaps, the dead.
the brevity makes it rather vague, I suppose - but I have no more to say...

cheers.........Ned


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## Namyh (Nov 16, 2017)

Ned - A contemplative piece that informs us of the short life distance between going to a funeral and being one. I say....play the slow march song and live until you die...and then maybe play it once again for me. Very nice work Ned. Namyh


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## TL Murphy (Nov 17, 2017)

It’s a good start.  I don’t think it’s finished.


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## ned (Nov 17, 2017)

hello - thank you for the comments.

guess I do have more to say...so have added a couple more verses if it felt incomplete.

good idea.....or not?


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## dannyboy (Nov 17, 2017)

still the swinging gate

I don't know this reference to the gate - if there is one -  its length bothers me a bit - it seems out of sync with the other lines in the poem.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 17, 2017)

To me the poem feels finished now. The conclusion is strong and ties things up. I agree with danny that the swinging gate is too long. Just cut the adjective. You could substitue "quiet" for "still" for more consistent meter. The reference is pretty obscure though. Something about the living crossing to death. Not sure.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 17, 2017)

Oh man after redaing all the comments from the experts, about length and such, of which in poetry I've no clue as to the rules.  For me this evoked a man burring a loved one or two. No reson yet, that wasn't needed, their death was what's important, they died before their time. For me a well done poem.  Thanks for sharing.


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## dannyboy (Nov 17, 2017)

I wouldn't lose the "still" I love the double play of that word in the poem.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 18, 2017)

Ned, I’ve been haunted by this image of the swinging gate.  I kept reading the poem til I got it.  The swinging gate is the ongoing re-enactment of war.  And the idea of swinging indicates that it goes this way and then it goes that way.  Like a pendulum.  So the image is good and I thing the word “swinging” fits very well and the alliteration with still has great flow and rhyme.  So I don’t think the problem is with that line.  I thing the problem is with the line before it.  “Ceremony” throws the beat off.  So I suggest that you come up with a shorter word for “ceremony” and enjamb the word “still” up to this line:

Should we end
this pomp and still
the swinging gate.


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## dannyboy (Nov 18, 2017)

I've been meaning to say ned (and in response to TL) the gate for me brings the image of young men leaving parents, siblings, lovers, opening the gate leaving the house, the village, off to war, the gate swinging behind them again and again war after war. It is a great image - well done!


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## TL Murphy (Nov 18, 2017)

I agree.  It took awhile for the image to soak in but it’s a good metaphor.  You just need to fix the cadence.


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