# Scores: October 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Nov 2, 2022)

Another month, another 17 entries. Who rose to the top this time around?


TitleVrangerLawlessS J WardAverageMadame Mikhailov by Louanne Learning2013.917.517.13One moment of war by S J Ward1514.9JUDGEJUDGEThe Living Dead by Taylor18.515.81616.77Read Me by ChudBektop15.519.514.516.50The Corrupting by piperofyork2017.518.518.67*1*He Could Only Be Got At In His Flowers by bdcharles19.518.717.518.57*2*Season of the Witch by KeganThompson18.517.21617.23The Bugger Court by rcallaci14.51214.513.67A Most Singular Error by epimetheus15.515.81716.10Veil Between Realms by Matchu1111.51512.50Bloodline by NajaNoir16.514.915.515.63The Cursed City by CyberWar1619.516.517.33*3*The Line by TMarie17191517.00The Letter King by tonsonenotany171914.516.83Sleight of Heart by Ibb1712.11414.37Bad Pumpkins by Selorian17.515.918.517.30Under the Shack - biograph19851417.31415.10

Only one tenth of a point between 1st and 2nd place, and just one thirtieth between 3rd and 4th.

The Corrupting by piperofyork
He Could Only Be Got At In His Flowers by bdcharles
The Cursed City by CyberWar

Many thanks to our trio of devoted judges. Here are their comments in full...



Spoiler: Vranger scores



*Madame Mikhailov - Louanne Learning*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 20.0*

Here’s the tough thing about judging and scoring. You set the tone perfectly and within it told a beautiful story. You had me sitting at that table with the five (six) characters. So this is the first story up and I can’t pick a flaw. Now what if I find one I think is a little better? LOL I don’t think I can go to 21. Gee, thanks. ;-) Playfully and actually. What an enjoyable read.

*One moment of war - Anonymous*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15.0*

Some comma problems and a couple of typos (new instead of knew, un-phased doesn’t need the hyphen) dinged SPaG. That’s pops the reader out, so it hurt Reaction. I liked the story a lot, but the mention of the prompt didn’t really sell me, so that hurt Evaluation. Nothing wrong with the writing here. Just needs a bit more editing and nail the prompt.

*The Living Dead - Taylor*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

An extra comma (before ‘with a simple’) and a comma splice in the next paragraph cost SPaG. That hits Reaction just a bit. Wonderful imagination and a great twist. However, I should have docked a point on Evaluation just for cruelly reminding us all how financially unrewarding writing can be! LOL Very cool story.

*Read Me - ChudBektop*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15.5*

An extra comma and a comma splice dragged down SPaG. This is sort of like ‘life coaching’ with a punch line. The twist amused me but I didn’t really get a story out of it, and that made it a sketchy connection to the prompt. Incorporate something like this into a longer work and I believe you’ve got something. 

*The Corrupting - piperofyork*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 20.0*

It happened. A second story I really love. Wonderful atmosphere and a twist, as all scary stories should possess. Well done. 

*He Could Only Be Got At In His Flowers - bdcharles*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 19.5*

Beautifully written and so close to my third 20 of the contest. I very much liked the title and its repeated theme, but it lost me a bit at the end. I think I expected just a bit more of a trick to it. Enjoyable read, though.

*Season of the Witch - Anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

Another beautifully written, interesting story. I’ve got to say that month after month this contest is getting more and more a pleasure to judge … reading really nice prose relating imaginative stories. My only quibble here is I didn’t quite have a “There it is!” moment selling the prompt.

*The Bugger Court - rcallaci*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 14.5*

Unfortunately, a bunch of punctuation ‘bugaboos’ ;-). Some missing commas, a couple of extra ones in comma splices. “humanoid like” needs a hyphen. Otherwise, it reads as the protagonist eventually surmised (if incorrectly) … a right on nightmare.  Great imagination with some humorous lines and mental images, but the SPaG issues are enough to pull the whole thing down. I suggest installing the Microsoft Editor browser extension. It highlights most of the things that got you here right in the text box before you submit.

*A Most Singular Error - epimetheus*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 15.5*

There were a few places where quoted dialogue interspersed with action beats are not correctly punctuated, and a spot at the beginning I wasn’t clear about the speaker. Then a couple of places the point of the action escaped me. Overall I thought the story had imagination and the ending twist amused me.

*Veil Between Realms - Matchu*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 3.0
Evaluation 2.0
Reaction 2.5
*Total 11.0*

Some run-on sentences in reference to SPaG. I’ve got to say that some individual exchanges in dialogue amused me a lot. But it was pretty disjointed taken as a whole and I just never got a handle on where it was going and I had to guess at the point of the story, and thus guess at the connection to the prompt. I’d like to be sold on the prompt connection, not wonder if I’m being generous by guessing what it is. LOL There’s enough wry sideways humor in your pieces that I always look forward to them. I just can’t always put them together with the prompt. ;-)

*Bloodline - Anonymous*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 5.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16.5*

Nice imagination and the story brought pictures to mind, which is strong. SPaG got held down from a batch of comma splices and one sentence fragment which seems awkward. (‘Although the cave’ is made stronger as a complete sentence by using ‘However, the cave’). Look for opportunities to turn copulas into stronger verbs (‘in the body of the cave was a throne’ to something like ‘in the body of the case stood a throne’). This is one of the stories I see each month that starts a story I’d like to read the rest of. 

*The Cursed City - CyberWar*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 16.0*

The early ellipse should have just been a period, and there were a few missing commas. One sentence fragment could have been a strong complete sentence by merely replacing ‘emanating’ with ‘emanated’. I’m a sucker for that genre of story, so the story itself interested me. However, the solely exposition style began to wear on me by the end. I think it needed some breaks from the exposition to liven it up. I understand the ‘journal’ nature, but the only element that really needed to be a journal entry was the very end.

*The Line - TMarie*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

A comma where you needed a colon (after broadcasted) and while broadcasted is a correct past tense, it read awkwardly to me as it’s not often used. I liked the imagination and world building in the story, but the ending left me a bit lost, since it’s in first person. ;-)

*The Letter King - tonsonenotany*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 17.0*

Sorry if I’m being dense, but I never quite got the point here, and wasn’t really sold on the prompt. Well written, though, and I couldn’t find a SPaG quibble. The atmosphere was all there. A couple of seeming non-sequiturs kind of popped me out. In a comment I made about an earlier entry, pieces that are all exposition/journal can be beautifully written, but they just don’t draw me in.

*Sleight of Heart - Ibb*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

Very lively and well written, but a but jumpy … sort of a Mad Tea Party vibe.  I was only half sold on the prompt, but thought it a nice variation to get it in. I think I needed a grasp of why the narrator rushed down the bleachers in the first place.

*Bad Pumpkins - Selorian*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.5*

Short but sweet.  Everything written was gold. One small snag on the need for a hyphen in “broken-tooth”. You had the room, and I’d have liked to see more weight at the end to sell how he wound up with his ‘bad pumpkin’. 

*Under the Shack - biograph1985*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 14.0*

A few SPaG issues here. Using the inches symbol when I’m pretty sure feet were meant. The same character’s dialogue in a new paragraph initially confused me that there was a second speaker, and a switch in tense at the end from past to present. I wasn’t sold on the prompt, and I’d have liked more explanation of why what happened at the end happened. The writing about the character was eerily effective. ;-) I was sold on how evil the character was, that’s for sure.





Spoiler: Lawless scores



*Read Me*
SPaG: 5.0
T&V: 5.0
Evaluation: 4.5
Reaction: 5.0
--------------
*Total: 19.5*


This is a most amazing suggestive text. It lulls you, and takes you and carries you. It's 100% logical and convincing. The voice is very powerful and goes straight into the readers' soul. The author has a remarkable understanding of how most people live in the denial of reality and how, in fact, the truth is hard to detect among the entertaining nonsense we are being fed by the mass media.

When I read the story the first time, I was disappointed by its shortness. I don't mean to say there was anything missing. I'm only saying I was disappointed that the bliss ended so soon.

When I read it the second and the third time, the shortness no longer bothered me. And maybe the sentence _Each bump and ridge designed to better understand each of their features and what they mean._ is a bit difficult to understand.

The low Evaluation score is not to suggest that anything in this story is illogical. I lowered it because I'm not really seeing a veil between realms in the story.



*The Cursed City*
SPaG: 4.9
T&V: 5.0
Evaluation: 4.7
Reaction: 4.9
--------------
*Total: 19.5*


This is a remarkable achievement. I mean, let's face it – the theme of a horrible curse in ancient ruins is beyond written-to-death. Yet, this story is so breathtakingly well written that I don't care. It's impossible to describe the voice in any other way than "sheer perfection". I'm having the feeling that this author could write about the grass growing or, say, a drunken jerk searching for vodka in an artist's van, and I would still find myself holding my breath and eagerly devouring every word.

The present tense works well here, bringing the protagonist so delightfully closer to the reader and conveying the mood of presence, urgency and anxiety.

Looking really hard for something to nitpick about (what else can you do when required to judge a masterpiece like this?), the sentence _Oh, if only we had heeded the wisdom and warning of the ancients!_ is a bit of a cliché, and I would like the sentence _Within it a strange pillar emanating cold green light, inscribed with signs of incredible antiquity._ more if it had a predicate. And maybe I wasn't too happy with the tragic end, the protagonist never been given a chance, which makes the plot a little too straightforward.



*The Letter King*
SPaG: 5.0
T&V: 4.8
Evaluation: 4.3
Reaction: 4.9
--------------
*Total: 19.0*


When I read this story the first time, much of it didn't make sense. It took me three readings to understand what was going on. That usually means a momentous nose-dive for the score. This story, however, is a most remarkable exception. It's so exhilarating I don't even mind the initial WTF effect.

I lack words to properly describe my supreme delight in reading passages like _We learned the accent of elsewhere to every place. We sang songs in storms and gales where no one could hear us, though sometimes the next town would be humming the tune when we arrived._ and _And the spell was revealed to me. For no matter how I tried, the knife stayed on the table. Once I managed to make it cut a little butter, spread it on bread. I could tap it, like a joke. But even that made me feel uneasy._ And the mass-delivery letters appearing in places – that's brilliant.

There was just the right amount of mystery, just the right amount of danger, just the right amount of fun. Only the expression "kamikaze letters" was a bit strange (letters don't care if they are destroyed after reading; it's a natural course of things) and _each regretting what the other had made them do_ sounded disturbingly creepy, or was it just the sicker part of my imagination?

Too bad the story doesn't have anything like a veil between realms, merely two realms and a transition from one to another. That's why the low Evaluation score, and because of one logical error – when the protagonist _ran_, then the doors falling shut _behind_ him couldn't have prevented him from running further.



*The Line*
SPaG: 4.9
T&V: 4.9
Evaluation: 4.5
Reaction: 4.7
--------------
*Total: 19.0*


The setting is utterly brilliant, I'd say the best in this competition. The exchange between the characters is most fascinating, everything is properly explained so that it makes sense.

There was one enjoyable expression after another:
_No greeting, but I could hear the wheezing so common
I did not break the stare with the green eye. That was our connection and also a test of courage.
There is risk of course with thought transference, as the line between delusion and reality fades_
and most of all, of course, that part with _incredible love_.

In addition to the delightful voice, the plot remained intriguing till the very end – which, unfortunately, was disappointing.

Firstly, it remained unclear whether Luka had been imprisoned by the morphons or had become one of them. Secondly, it was not entirely clear if the protagonist was killed or possessed in the same way Luka had. (I suspect the former, but I'm not sure.) Thirdly, what destroyed the protagonist at the end was the same danger he had already defeated earlier. Had another obstacle appeared, instead of the same obstacle merely growing stronger, the story might have been perfect (or almost).



*He Could Only Be Got At In His Flowers*
SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 4.9
Evaluation: 4.4
Reaction: 4.6
--------------
*Total: 18.7*


As far as artistic use of the language is concerned, this story dwarfs all the others. _Grasses pressed against a faint glimmer, mirroring clouds that carved a similar delineation in the blue unblemish. Beyond lay the country – or The Country, if rumours were what one clung to. Rumoured for having one inhabitant, never seen. Franton’s task, to secure an interview with that hermit among introverts_ – and so on. It was sheer pleasure to my eyes and my soul.

The story has a dreamy, yearning, inviting, soothing mood. It has an intriguing plot and nice ingenious details here and there, such as the newspaper, and the fieldmouse, and the amusing teapot theme. It remains interesting even when read several times.

The idea of the hermit appearing only in the periphery of the protagonist's vision is really ingenious, as well as flawlessly described and explained.

Unfortunately, there were a few unclarities and one logical contradiction: the veil is at first a subterranean barrier, but a little later it's evidently something like drapes in the air.



*The Corrupting*
SPaG: 4.9
T&V: 3.9
Evaluation: 4.6
Reaction: 4.1
--------------
*Total: 17.5*


I strongly disapprove of writing in the present tense without a good reason. This story does not have the kind of mood that would justify it. I don't see how it would get any worse if it were in the past tense.

Other than that, the voice is great. The explanations are very clear and make sense. The part about the witchcraft ravaging the country is absolutely brilliant. Apart from a little confusion with thou/thee and ye/you, the author's grammar is flawless.

The plot was good – the buildup of the mystery, the danger, the seeming escape. Perhaps the amount of putrid details became a little overwhelming. And it wasn't clear at first that the _dead man, his neck ripped open, his black eyes unblinking_ was in fact undead – I mean, sentient and moving rather than entirely dead.

It's a pity the character who seemed to be the protagonist's rescuer turned out to be his destroyer. I dislike dishonesty and deception. But I can't deny it's an ingenious twist from the plotting point of view.



*Under the Shack*
SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 4.3
Evaluation: 3.9
Reaction: 4.3
--------------
*Total: 17.3*


This is beautiful, clear, expressive writing that invites one to read on. _These are the places that stand against time, time that leans hard on fences and blades of grass. This is American prairie land, a desolate cough of dust mingled with autumn sunsets and warm breezes._ – that's splendid, amazing! I can vividly see and feel the setting in my mind's eye.

I was a little confused by the switching between the past and the present tense. Only at the end did I realize it was supposed to signal the change between the protagonist's states of mind. The idea is laudable, the execution could have been better.

It was also unclear whether the person in the cellar was supposed to be alive or dead. I mean, when the protagonist calls her, one assumes inevitably that he expects her to be alive. This remained unexplained almost till the end, and although I understood eventually that the protagonist was just talking mockingly to a dead body, and it makes sense in this context, I dislike being confused in such a manner.

Neither am I seeing the prompt in this story. And maybe the way he meets his death at the end is too much diabolus ex machina.

The sentence _And control is all that there is._ is superfluous. We already got your point, no need to overemphasize it like this.

Other than that, the story is really very good. The protagonist's ruminations and confusion, impatience, protest against the reality, his feeling _angry and nauseous_ come across very lifelike. _He sat down to think, and rocked himself back and forward, running his grimy fingers through the dirty hair_ totally makes the protagonist come alive for us, as does _Maybe he would look now, and his property would be back, and the universe would again be ordered._



*Season of the Witch*
SPaG: 4.7
T&V: 4.3
Evaluation: 4.0
Reaction: 4.2
--------------
*Total: 17.2*


This story has a profoundly moving and beautiful end – I think the best ending in this competition. I also loved the touching detail of removing the boy's glasses, _not wanting to dirty them with blood_, a fine detail that makes the events more vivid and brings the protagonist closer to the reader.

What I find a little disappointing is that the author establishes very clearly an important and difficult task – finding out whether or not the boy is a virgin (_“You have to make sure the subject is telling the truth,” Lady Agnes drilled into the witchlings' heads._) – and then that momentous problem is solved practically by itself.

I dislike the use of the simple past instead of the past perfect. It's confusing.

I don't see how a potion can be _performed_ on someone.

There should definitely be a paragraph break or at least some words of transition between _she’d be kicked out, left with nothing and nowhere to go._ and _The dagger slipped from her hand_.

In spite of those little flaws, this is a good story. The writing is clear, simple and heartwarming.



*Bad Pumpkins*
SPaG: 4.9
T&V: 4.1
Evaluation: 4.4
Reaction: 2.5
--------------
*Total: 15.9*


Although the topic is rather banal – choosing a pumpkin for building a jack-o-lantern – this story is well-written, clear and makes sense. Too bad the second scene (if you can call it that) comes across as very artificial and weird. There is no proper transition and the whole scene consists of only one (albeit long) sentence. The author has used only 341 words of the allowed 650, so he had plenty of room for creating the mood, for building up tension and the protagonist's terror, and then finally let him think "I should have listened to what the woman was going to tell me." I can see no justification for leaving it underdeveloped like this. The way it is now, the story is over almost before it has properly started.

This author is clearly able to write a good story, so hopefully he will give us his best effort the next time.



*A most singular error*
SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 3.0
Evaluation: 4.7
Reaction: 3.6
--------------
*Total: 15.8*


I greatly enjoyed a number of expressions, such as:
_a wind was picking up to ruffle hair and riffle books
Others shut their eyes, embracing their own dark worlds rather than the growing one before them.
Only the heavies ran, the academics understood the futility.
She turned eyes of daggers at him_

The hilarious end is utterly brilliant.

Unfortunately, the writing tends to be unclear. Much of the story is hard to follow and requires repeated reading to understand. Like, _“Really?” asked the woman, who had been eyeing a growing ball of infinite darkness in the centre of the Machine._ At first I presumed she was ironically replying to the protesting scientist. Only when I read the story for the third time did I realize she was shocked by what she had just heard and wondering if it was really true.

I suspect the man who had _roused himself from consciousness_ had really been unconscious and was now conscious.

The professor is made a little too grotesquely crazy. And what in heaven's name is the expression _But since the universe insists on dividing by zero, I’ll bloody well divide by zero._ supposed to mean? In which way did the universe demand (or could possibly have demanded) to be screwed up?



*The Living Dead*
SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 3.5
Evaluation: 4.4
Reaction: 3.1
--------------
*Total: 15.8*


A good idea, with getting a new life and then discovering some unexpected consequences. I enjoyed some expressions, such as _My amygdala was off the chart_. And this story had – unlike most others in this competition – a proper veil between realms.

Unfortunately, I wasn't too thrilled to read about a man choosing a Halloween costume for his child when many other stories told about so much more interesting things.

When things went dark and the new-life-assurance salesman appeared, the protagonist showed no signs of fear whatsoever. That is certainly not believable.

I was put off big time by the protagonist comparing his job with a "wholly subordinate" status of a zombie. That's preposterous. How childish can a presumptuous worker get? He doesn't even work at a conveyor, performing the same monotonous operation eight hours a day. He's an insurance agent, for crying out loud, which means he has much more liberty than most people who work for a living. That attitude was what prevented me from liking the protagonist and along with it the story.



*Bloodline*
SPaG: 4.6
T&V: 4.1
Evaluation: 4.1
Reaction: 2.1
--------------
*Total: 14.9*


The voice is inviting, comforting, like a good companion. Unfortunately, the middle part with the cave and stuff is unclear at times. The protagonist's transition is really well-executed, but what is that almost-vampire-but-not-really-vampire thing supposed to mean? And what is the gift she has to share with her people if not vampirism? That remains unexplained when the story ends.

Was the protagonist really drawn to the vial by the scent of _soil_? Seriously, soil? And she drank it eagerly? That's disgusting, even though the connection to the transfusions mentioned in the beginning is nice, sort of.

There were numerous overlong sentences with clauses separated by commas that should have been separate sentences. I am very tolerant of this, because I tend to write like that myself, but too much is too much.



*One moment of war*
SPaG: 4.6
T&V: 3.9
Evaluation: 4.7
Reaction: 1.7
--------------
*Total: 14.9*


The writing could be clearer.

There are a few mistakes (_unphased_ instead of unfazed, _he new it_) and some awkwardly constructed sentences (_Once in place, he sensed the two ponies gently leaning in towards him, embracing and lifting him, they starting walking. Smiddy, carried along between them._)

I don't believe that artillery shells exploded _only yards_ from Smiddy and two ponies and they got away without a scratch. I also find it hard to believe that Smiddy remained calm when he heard the gas warning – especially because it contradicts his emotional state a little later. I mean, if he was calm before, how come he turned so frantic so quickly?

The way the ponies magically rescued him after he had given everything to help them was very ingenious and quite touching.

The voice is generally okay, nothing spectacular, a little clumsy at times.

_“You can and must!”_ is truly in the worst style of Hollywood. There's a critical situation where a person's life is in danger and quick action is required, and instead of giving him one bit of reason ("Don't worry, the ponies will be fine," or even something like "You won't be able to help the ponies if you die."), they just add some more demanding: do what I tell you because I tell you to do it. What halfway sensible person can be affected by such un-persuasion?

Above all, I find it revolting that someone is grieving horses when millions of human beings lost their lives.



*Madame Mikhailov*
SPaG: 5.0
T&V: 4.1
Evaluation: 3.5
Reaction: 1.3
--------------
*Total: 13.9*


Several things rubbed me the wrong way in this story.

Why has the female protagonist a male name?

What does the author mean by _a mere woman_? I'm hard-pressed to name a society where male mediums, soothsayers, clairvoyants and such were taken more seriously than female ones. Isn't the common stereotype of a medium an old or oldish woman?

_It paid the rent._ sounds like the protagonist was engaged in spiritism only because of the money and didn't really believe in it, but a little later we are told _She considered it a vital service._ That's a logical contradiction.

When Francesca's soul was told to go into the light and Mme M said _“Then she will go.”_, I thought that was it, she had said to her loved ones what she had wanted to say and now she was at peace and would cross over to the other side. Later it emerged she waited until the late evening. Why?

_there is a season for every activity under the Sun [---] A time to plant, and a time to harvest._ – what is meant by it (here)?

All those contradictions and unclarities prevented me from enjoying this story. I am disappointed, because the story has the potential to be immensely heartwarming. The parts where the medium started talking with _a voice not her own_ and where the ghost was seeing a beautiful light were adorable.



*Sleight of Heart*
SPaG: 5.0
T&V: 3.0
Evaluation: 1.9
Reaction: 2.2
--------------
*Total: 12.1*


This story is confusing and weird. Pointless drunken people doing pointless things because they are drunk is never a thrilling premise. But that's not even the biggest problem here. The crucial flaw of this story is its ending that makes no sense whatsoever. _Oh, I thought. Right—the show._ What do you mean, "Right—the show"? The show had been interrupted by the protagonist himself a few minutes ago. How could he possibly have acted like he was expecting a show to begin?

And then it seems like the star of the show that begins is a third person, so far unknown, and it looks like he operates in some kind of a different realm. Too bad the story ends at that point without any attempt to explain.

There were some enjoyable expressions, such as
_mustache slipped a smidge, revealing underneath its masculine facade a youthful upper lip smeared in the fear-borne perspirings of sweat
sad little haymaker
He foresaw in my [---] movements a portent of dissent and so, unprovokedly incensed, continued to regale me with argument and justification for his A.I. utopia_

The theme of the AI plot was where the story was getting interesting, but unfortunately it wasn't properly explained. AI-generated music and art – that's clear, but what exactly was the AI supposed to do here that made the audience feel so threatened?



*The Bugger Court*
SPaG: 3.6
T&V: 2.3
Evaluation: 4.6
Reaction: 1.5
--------------
*Total: 12.0*


I find cockroaches profoundly disgusting. That's why it's hard for me to enjoy a story about cockroaches, even when it's about the desire to destroy them.

Throughout much of the story, the voice fails to convey feeling. It tries to describe the protagonist's suffering, disgust and despair, but somehow ends up just dryly stating the facts.

The verb tenses are all over the place, and so is the use of the initial capital.

_“Hear Ye, hear ye”_ follows _vomit off the floor.”_ as if it happened right the next moment, when in fact some time had to pass between them.

I was baffled by the last sentence: _Stay tuned for further adventures of Percy the Cockroach_. Until then, the mood was dramatic, repulsive and tragic, but this sounded like the author found it amusing. Without that screaming style discrepancy, the story could have easily gotten a couple of points more.



*Veil Between Realms*
SPaG: 4.7
T&V: 1.4
Evaluation: 2.2
Reaction: 3.2
--------------
*Total: 11.5*


The voice is chaotic and very hard to follow. The story needs to be read several times to understand. A number of sentences make no sense whatsoever, no matter how many times you read them. Among other things, I don't understand who is the _you bastard_ in the first paragraph.

That said, I enjoyed some expressions, such as _The boss exhaled tremendously._ and _But they’re horrible people, I mean challenging._ And the part about the English women was very amusing.

Last but not least, I'm not seeing any traces of the prompt. Every other competitor at least tried.





Spoiler: S J Ward's scores



Louanne Learning

Madame Mikhailov



SPAG4.0

T&V4.5

EVAL4.5

REAC4.5



TOT17.5



“in a dormancy’ felt awkward I’d have preferred “through dormancy”

A beautiful line “grief was a thief”, it’s poetic and in keeping with the story.

Some punctuation needed altering as in… ‘because, after all, she was a mere woman”.

This is a great story that could have been even greater with improved punctuation. The Tone and Voice sits just right. Just... one paragraph seemed far too heavy without punctuation



---------------------------------------------


Anon

One moment of war



Brilliant, but the idiot still forgot a comma! Was that me?



---------------------------------------------


Taylor

The Living Dead



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

EVAL4.0

REAC4.0



TOT 16.0



As far as I m aware ‘Three foot’ does not require hyphenating and ‘He won’t go for that’ I felt should have been spoken out to complement the “Ha.” speech.

Thank god for google when I read the word ‘Amygdala!’ Wow!

Loved the allusion to poor writers, fruit-loops and the dreamlike sequence.

“Sir it’s the food bank” requires a comma after ‘sir’

Enjoyed the story though.



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ChudBektop

Read me



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

EVAL3.0

REAC2.5



TOT14.5



This story had me a mite confused especially when I got to the penultimate paragraph that didn’t seem to be worded well. ‘Consist’ as in ‘will stay consist’… maybe ‘consistent’.

Reminded me of hypnotism, but I’m sorry, I just didn’t get it.

Couldn’t really say much about the SPAG and the T&V were possibly correct, but I had to lower my evaluation and reaction scores accordingly.



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Biograph1985

Under the Shack



SPAG3.0

T&V3.5

EVAL3.5

REAC4.0



TOT14.0



I really liked ‘A desolate cough of dust’ and the first para is great, but then I hit the measurements that were numeric. In Britain 10”x 16” is very small… ten inches by sixteen inches. Thats’s just the way it is here. It would have been better to write ‘Ten by sixteen feet’.

Certain commas could have been replaced with M-dashes, and others were superfluous.

‘The girls body was gone’ is better with ‘had’.

And a slight problem with continuity when you consider the match, the flash-light and the lighter.

I just think a little more care needed to be taken.



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Piper of York

The Corrupting



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

EVAL4.5

REAC5.0



TOT18.5



Nicely horrific and well written. What on earth is a ‘fence of twisted nails’ though? Like the use of language from the time.

There is a change of tense in one part which made it a little awkward to read, but I could accept it in the end. Nice!



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b d charles

He could only be got at in his flowers.



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

EVAL4.5

REAC4.0



TOT17.5



Love the alliteration and the usage of words so reminded me of Lewis Caroll (SP?)

Certain hyphenated words needed hyphens and ‘exited the gangplank’ would have been better served with an additional ‘via’ in my opinion.

I felt the climax of the story was a little flat and disappointing, but getting there was good.



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Anon

Season of the Witch



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

EVAL4.0

REAC4.0



TOT16.0



I liked the story with an unusually happy ending.

‘Lighting candles at the base of trees’ seems awkward. And ‘laid’ is seemingly past tense unless used archaically, otherwise ‘lay’ would be better. There were other tense issues too ‘she grew rather fond’ as opposed to ‘she’d grown rather fond.



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Epimetheus

A Most Singular Error



SPAG4.0

T&V4.5

EVAL4.0

REAC4.5



TOT17.0



Capital ‘Y’ on “yet it is I…” A hyphen used instead of an M-dash in para’ 4. And I’m not sure whether one can be roused from consciousness… Maybe unconsciousness.

‘The audience’ is a ‘who were’ not a ‘which were’.

But this story had something… a fantastic tone of voice and a great ending… but weird!



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Matchu

Veil between realms



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

EVAL4.0

REAC3.5



TOT15.0



I know there’s a word limit, but you could have made it easier to read and understand. And what’s with so many commas?

In a ‘lunatic asylum’ sort of way, the tone and voice came through, but it needed more words!

Best sentence of the competition is yours… ‘I wiped perspiration from our moustaches.’ It reminds me of Robert Rankin’s work. I suggest you read ‘The Sprouts of Wrath”.

When did they let you back into society?



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Anon

Bloodline



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

EVAL3.5

REAC4.0



TOT15.5



Certain commas could have been replaced by M-dashes, or negated completely by sentence restructuring.

‘Depicted on either side were warriors at the ready—she thought she could hear their battle cries’

‘Possessed in its hand’ seemed awkward, a simple adaption to ‘held’ works.

The descriptive element is all there, the forest and the time of day are marvellously described.



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Selorian

Bad Pumpkins



SPAG4.5

T&V5.0

EVAL4.5

REAC4.5



TOT18.5



This is nice and concise, though I wish there was more dialogue between the characters. It lacked in that and became somewhat stunted.

One tense problem… you wrote ‘I wish I had listened’ which I think should have been ‘I wished I…’

In so few words, you hit the tone and voice spot on. The story was good and it is reflected in my harsh scoring regime.



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r callaci

The Bugger Court



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

EVAL2.5

REAC4.0



TOT14.5



This is unconventionally written, very hard to assess, and I found it hard to read. Having spoken sections in the same paragraph structure makes it difficult and the meanings are lost, crushed by that sentence structure.

However… I actually liked the story, it’s such a refreshing take on the theme and the tone and voice came through in the wording.



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Cyberwar

The Cursed City



SPAG4.0

T&V4.5

EVAL4.0

REAC4.0



TOT16.5



“Lord have mercy on this poor sinner’ maybe should have been italicised, if it was a thought, or given single speech marks to highlight it.

‘veterans of the Great War, the many of them.’ feels awkward, even though it gives a decent tone and voice. The use of commas needs reducing.

But… the language is very reminiscent of late 19th, early 20th century and helped the story become more believable.



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tonsonenontany

The Letter King



SPAG4.0

T&V3.5

EVAL3.5

REAC3.5



TOT14.5



This story has the appearance of lots of bullet points piled up on top of one another. It doesn’t flow! There are far too many full-stops (periods) and they detracted from the story which is hidden beneath.’I have no idea what or where is Laramie and it’s importance (sorry!) It might be a cigarette brand, probably a place!

However… the story, without as many stilted dots, does work… until that last sentence.



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Ibb

Sleight of Heart



SPAG4.0

T&V3.5

EVAL3.5

REAC3.0



TOT 14.0



Two people speaking in the same paragraph certainly does not help the reading, but to be honest, after numerous read-throughs, I still didn’t get the story-line. Unless I have to take into account the language and consider a drug problem, but I didn’t think that was the answer.

It’s psychedelic in its entirety, and if it _really_ is… I’m sorry that I don’t understand it.



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T Marie

The Line



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

EVAL3.5

REAC3.5



TOT15.0



‘Even if it was in the bag. By the looks of things…’ did not deserve a period in my opinion, it probably suited a comma more.

The punctuation could have been improved with the removal of some commas and using M-dashes. Certain others were superfluous.

What a weird ending! And what are the W’s?

Head exploding? Mine nearly did!



Our November contest is posted now: *LINK*


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## KeganThompson (Nov 2, 2022)

Congrats to @piperofyork @bdcharles and @CyberWar! 

Thank you, judges and @Harper J. Cole for hosting!

I've got great feedback on my story! I've had the idea rolling around in my head for a while and decided now would be a good opportunity to 'test the waters' with a short version of it. Maybe I will expand it one of these days...


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## epimetheus (Nov 2, 2022)

Well done to the winners. Thanks to the organisers and the judges for the useful feedback - actionable as the kids say.


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## bdcharles (Nov 2, 2022)

Yay woohoo! I'm very happy and extremely pleasantly surprised with my second. Loved reading these stories. Congrats piperofyork and CyberWar, and thanks all round to the judges, hosts and fellow writers.


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## SueC (Nov 2, 2022)

Piper, BD and CyberWar - good job all!


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## Ladyserpentine (Nov 2, 2022)

Wow, I cannot believe the judges had this many wonderful entries to judge... _again._

Congratulations to piperofyork, bdcharles, and CyberWar! Well-earned placings!  Great job to everyone who entered. These were all entertaining to read.


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## Louanne Learning (Nov 2, 2022)

Congratulation to the winners! And a big thank you to all the writers and readers and to the judges for their great investment of time!

And a special thank you to @VRanger for my first 20/20!!


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## Louanne Learning (Nov 2, 2022)

Feeling the need to set the record straight.

@Lawless – your Reaction score for my story is indicative of a lack of understanding on your part.

The female protagonist did not have a male name. That was her last name.

“A mere woman” is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the status in general of women in the 19th century. How they were regarded. My research revealed that becoming spiritualists was one way for them to gain some status.

“It paid the rent” refers to her independence. Being a spiritualist was one of the few ways in the 19th century that a woman could be independent.

Francesca’s only contact with this world was through Madame, so it makes sense she waited for her say-so to go.

“A time to plant and a time to harvest” refers to birth and death. The grandfather was accepting his grand-daughter’s death.


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## VRanger (Nov 2, 2022)

Congratulations piperofyork, bdcharles, and CyberWar. 

Once again, we had an excellent group of stories. The site has drawn some very talented writers and I thank you all for sharing your skills and stories with us in the contests.


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## NajaNoir (Nov 2, 2022)

Congratulations @piperofyork, @bdcharles, and @CyberWar., wonderful stories from all of you. 

@S J Ward I enjoyed your story the most, so glad you shared it with us. 

Good ones all around though, well done everyone. As always, a big thank you to all the judges and Harper for giving your time and making these challenges possible.


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## S J Ward (Nov 2, 2022)

Congratulations to all the winners. And although you may hate my scoring at times, I do appreciate the effort you've all put in. 
Please consider becoming a judge!
I'll tell you... it's hard to judge (or critique) your own work. (obviously, I can't do it to mine) But you learn so much by trying to judge other peoples works. And at the end of the day, it's all subjective.
Just keep the stories coming... this place is getting interesting and starting to buzz!


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## Taylor (Nov 2, 2022)

Congratulations to @piperofyork, @bdcharles, and @CyberWar.  Well deserved!

Thank you @Harper J. Cole for being our wonderful host.

@VRanger and @S J Ward, thank you for judging seventeen stories, two months in a row.   That's a lot of work, and you both did an excellent job!

@Lawless, thanks for your effort in judging.  I did want to respond to one of your comments:


> Unfortunately, I wasn't too thrilled to read about a man choosing a Halloween costume for his child when many other stories told about so much more interesting things.


I don't know if you've ever been a single parent working full-time, but I have.  Helping your kid with their Halloween costume IS a big deal!


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## Ibb (Nov 3, 2022)

Thanks for the reviews. The protagonist is an artifical intelligence who has been tricked by the magician into acting like a drunkard in imitation of other patrons at prior shows, which is why he can't actually find anything to drink despite rummaging for it (he isn't actually drunk, he's transforming), after which he's successfully passed between realms to become human like, thus the applause. "Right--the show," is his trigger to reappear, like the rabbit out of the hat. I don't mind the scores but wanted to clarify given the feedback. Thanks again and congrats to the winners.


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## VRanger (Nov 3, 2022)

Ibb said:


> Thanks for the reviews. The protagonist is an artifical intelligence who has been tricked by the magician into acting like a drunkard in imitation of other patrons at prior shows, which is why he can't actually find anything to drink despite rummaging for it (he isn't actually drunk, he's transforming), after which he's successfully passed between realms to become human like, thus the applause. "Right--the show," is his trigger to reappear, like the rabbit out of the hat. I don't mind the scores but wanted to clarify given the feedback. Thanks again and congrats to the winners.


It's an issue with 650 word prose. You have to pick stories you can fully explore and explain under the requirement. I read SO MANY LM entries that cry for longer treatments. But ... part of great writing is to leave the reader wanting more.


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## Lawless (Nov 3, 2022)

Louanne Learning said:


> The female protagonist did not have a male name. That was her last name.


Mikhailov is a man's name. A woman's last name would be Mikhailova.

A Russian woman in a country that doesn't recognize different last names for males and females (such as the USA) can have a male last name all right. However, you say in the story that it was not her real name. Meaning, she chose that name as a pseudonym. Now, if she was Russian, she would not have chosen a male name, and if she was not Russian, what reason could she possibly have had for choosing a Russian name?

Please don't give your characters Russian names if you lack elementary knowledge about Russian names.


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## Lawless (Nov 3, 2022)

This was an amazing contest. Even a couple of stories that didn't look like much at first became really good when I read them the third or fourth time. (I always read every story five times when judging.) Congratulations to the winners, of course, but I want to especially point out that those who didn't make it to top 3 had in fact done a great job – simply the competition was too tough this time.


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## Taylor (Nov 3, 2022)

Lawless said:


> This was an amazing contest. Even a couple of stories that didn't look like much at first became really good when I read them the third or fourth time. (I always read every story five times when judging.) Congratulations to the winners, of course, but I want to especially point out that those who didn't make it to top 3 had in fact done a great job – simply the competition was too tough this time.


Wow, @Lawless, that's dedication!  Thank you for your thoughtful judging, and I apologize for blasting you earlier. I see that you were very honest about your reactions which is commendable.


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## piperofyork (Nov 3, 2022)

I'm very sincerely humbled, especially considering the superb batch of stories this October. Congratulations to @bdcharles and @CyberWar, and as always _massive_ thanks to Harper for hosting, and to the judges for all of their hard work. My personal favorites were the stories from @bdcharles and @Louanne Learning (but it's hard to pick from amongst such gems).

Incidentally, I'm wondering if a new award should be developed...something like the *You're Unbelievably Dedicated *Award. Many people on the forum would deserve it, but on _this _thread I'd give a special nod to @Harper J. Cole for tireless hosting and @VRanger for tireless judging!


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## VRanger (Nov 3, 2022)

piperofyork said:


> I'm very sincerely humbled, especially considering the superb batch of stories this October.


One more win and with 4 you move out of the "## others" group and get your name on the Hall of Fame. ;-)

You're a great writer.


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## piperofyork (Nov 3, 2022)

VRanger said:


> One more win and with 4 you move out of the "## others" group and get your name on the Hall of Fame. ;-)
> 
> You're a great writer.


Thank you very much! This writing community has absolutely helped me to improve!


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## Lawless (Nov 4, 2022)

Taylor said:


> Thank you for your thoughtful judging, and I apologize for blasting you earlier. I see that you were very honest about your reactions which is commendable.


I forgive you. I actually meant to say that even though the topic was not the most exciting for (the possibly ignorant and narrow-minded) me, you managed to write a really good story. Guess I chose an unfortunate expression.


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## TMarie (Nov 4, 2022)

Thank you judges for the feedback on my piece. I was able to briefly read through them yesterday before being pulled into the day, but this morning I made note of the comments to continue working on the story. It's always a challenge to fit a complete story into 650 words! I learn as much from reading the other stories as I do from the judge's comments, so thank you fellow writers for the exceptional storytelling last month.

My endings are usually weird and rarely well-received. I like stories that make the reader think and come up with their own idea of what happened and why. Endings don't always need to be neat & tidy. Not sure why this ending is disappointing though, and I will use that comment to tighten it up. My intent for the ending? Kai-Roh lost her sanity when she saw that the beings she thought were morphed into grotesque creatures were actually beautiful beings of light. Her brain could not compute, and the pure vibrations aka buzz further created interference in processing. The underlying theme of the story is the brain and our thoughts/perceptions, and how fragile they are. In hindsight, I should have used 'imploded' rather than 'exploded' which may have revealed more of what I was attempting to convey, that the veil between the realms of sanity and insanity in any given moment for any one of us is thin ... my opinion of course I thought the reference to 'reality and delusion' would be the connection for the reader to understand the ending. 650 words does me in every time Lol

Looking forward to December's prompt!

oh and the W's? Who, What, Where, When and Why


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## Lawless (Nov 4, 2022)

TMarie said:


> oh and the W's? Who, What, Where, When and Why


I figured that one out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## S J Ward (Nov 4, 2022)

I didn't. Thank you for informing me. Maybe some of us need more than the word limits allow


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## TMarie (Nov 5, 2022)

S J Ward said:


> I didn't. Thank you for informing me. Maybe some of us need more than the word limits allow



Me, me, me! Since elementary school, I've been told I talk too much, saying the same thing repeatedly so these challenges are ... well, challenging Lol


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## Lawless (Nov 5, 2022)

650 words is quite challenging. I would be happy with 850 or 900.


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## Matchu (Nov 12, 2022)

Congratulations go to @piperofyork and @bdcharles and to @CyberWar.  Congratulations guys!  Really wonderful stories.

...

my own story received very very dreadful ratings.

I do remember having a day off from work and tapping it all out and knowing certainly this brilliant piece ranked as one the greatest short stories ever written online in my opinions.  I will copy/paste, insert a new 1000 words of explanatory footnotes, see how she flies in the with the flies, my flies.

Oh I missed a sentence - I mean it's going in the workshop

xx


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## Taylor (Nov 12, 2022)

Matchu said:


> Congratulations go to @piperofyork and @bdcharles and to @CyberWar.  Congratulations guys!  Really wonderful stories.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


Remember that it's subjective!      I enjoyed your story and had a chuckle!  You have a talent for satire. As long as people read and enjoy ... that's the best we can hope for.


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## Matchu (Nov 12, 2022)

I was thinking more along the lines of an unexpected e-mail - 'Hi, I adore your writing.  May I publish the entire contents of your hard drive?  Here's a down payment of $50 000.  Do not bother going into work tomorrow.  I love you, in a good way...'


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## Taylor (Nov 12, 2022)

Matchu said:


> I was thinking more along the lines of an unexpected e-mail - 'Hi, I adore your writing.  May I publish the entire contents of your hard drive?  Here's a down payment of $50 000.  Do not bother going into work tomorrow.  I love you, in a good way...'


@S J Ward did give you the, _"Best sentence of the competition"_ award.  That's a start!


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