# A Koala (A  Revision)



## Misty Mirrors (Jul 22, 2014)

*A Koala (Further Revision)*

It is winter 
The sky is grey 
It has not rained for two months 
The world seems bleak. * 

The koala became ill 
He was driven out of his territory 
He had difficulty finding food 
He couldn't find tree forks to rest in. * 

Some creatures survive 
Some die 
The world sometimes is kind 
Sometimes it is cruel. * 

The koala went to an elder 
He was given special leaves 
His health improved 
He resumed caring. * 

There are only few Eucalyptus trees 
Many animals search 
Some are stronger 
Dingoes roam the country side. * 

After six months the koala had luck 
He found a fresh patch of Eucalyptus leaves 
They were tasty 
He became happier. * 

The sun comes through the clouds 
Buds grow 
The bees humm 
Yellow and blue butterflies flutter. * 

The neighbours of the koala were friendly 
He enjoyed himself 
He met a female 
They got on. * 

The physical world has an origin 
What created it? I
s there a God? 
Are there many gods? * 

An elder had faith in the sun god 
He impressed the koala 
Another elder gave him lessons 
The koala became a believer. * * 

The sky isn't bright every day 
The rivers sometimes dry out 
At times the wind whistles 
Dingoes search. * 

Sometimes the koala got ill again 
It was painful 
The elders helped 
He slowly learned to control his illness. * 

"Birds with the same feather flock together" 
They can understand each other 
They greet each other at daybreak 
They support each other. * 

The koala met other sick koalas 
It was a group 
He made more friends 
He gained confidence. * 

It takes time to understand the sun god 
It takes time to realize that the god loves animals
It takes time to love him 
He has rules. * 

The koala joined other groups 
He communicated with neighbours he had hurt 
He apologized 
His understanding of the god improved. * 

All animals age 
Some become wiser 
Some stay like they were in their youth 
Some help the young ones. * 

The koala is a senior now 
Once a week he meditates with other believers 
He tries to please the god 
He tries to be good to other koalas. * 

Support is necessary 
Friendship is needed 
Lonliness hurts 
Isolation is dangerous. * 

The koala still eats some of the special leaves 
They are necessary 
He still seeks help from the elders 
Most of the elders are good to him. * 

Some animals are straightforward 
Dingoes chase wombats 
Some are devious 
Like trap door spiders. * 

The koala gets on well with females now 
Some try to use him 
He understands males better 
Some have ulterior motives. * 

Animals cannot relax totally 
They have to find food 
Water is needed 
Many get more efficient with age. * 

The koala keeps on learning 
Life is a challenge 
Most of the time he is serene 
Sometimes he has troubles. * 

Eventually all animals have to die 
Some will join the sun god 
Some will go hell 
There they will be for ever. * 

The koala will die 
He hopes to be accepted by god 
There will be no pain 
He will be with other believers.
.


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## S. V. Allen (Jul 23, 2014)

How cute this is! this is a cool little story


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 23, 2014)

Thank you, S. V.


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## carlo19martin (Jul 23, 2014)

great, I love Koalas


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 23, 2014)

Thank you, carlo.


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## E. Zamora (Jul 24, 2014)

I think the succession of rather abrupt statements might work for a very short poem, but with a poem of this length, it gets fairly monotonous. It's more like a story, so I think somehow the lines need to flow better from one to the next. There is probably a good underlying message about overcoming hardship and spiritual growth, and I like that in includes doubts and setbacks, but the lack of flow seems to hinder or counter the feeling of growth or moving forward; so I think the format is somewhat at odds with your message. Also, I don't get the purpose of the asterisks.

Cheers,

Esteban


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 24, 2014)

Hello Esteban.
Do you think it would be better in prose?
The asterisks are due to my word processor.


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## E. Zamora (Jul 26, 2014)

I wouldn't think so. But I would put your prose hat on for a bit and think about how you might make these statements flow into one another better. 

You could also hit "edit post" and remove the asterisks.

Cheers,

Esteban


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 26, 2014)

Hello Esleban.
I took the asterisks out.
I revised the poem.
I don't know how to put metre/rhythm in it. Is that what hou mean?


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## E. Zamora (Jul 26, 2014)

Much better!



> He went to an elder
> An elder gave him special leaves
> The koala's health improved
> He felt better
> ...



Now try something like this:

He went to an elder 
who gave him special leaves, 
and his health improved.

After a time and with renewed strength,
He found a fresh patch of tasty 
Eucalyptus leaves.

Then try to think about what might be redundant or go without saying. If his health improves, then we can assume he feels better. With better food and more strength, he'll feel happier. 

Think about what the Koala sees, smells, what his environment looks like, and based on that add something descriptive. This might give you an opportunity to add metaphor and simile. I already like him and I'm rooting for him, but try harder to do something that paints a picture and puts us in this little guy's word. 

Cheers,

Esteban


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 27, 2014)

Thank you very much Esleban.
It will take a while to revise my poem.


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## Misty Mirrors (Aug 8, 2014)

Hello Everyone.
I have revised my poem further.
What do you think?
Misty.


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## escorial (Aug 9, 2014)

very well thought out piece...must take alot of thought to keep a bigger poem interesting..enjoyed


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## Misty Mirrors (Aug 9, 2014)

Thank you, escorial.


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