# Story of the lost ch-1



## poisonbiggs (May 15, 2011)

*Just a quick note before you read, i think im a terrible writer, im really interested in critique this is revision 1 of this, its mainly just the bare bones of the start of the story, thanks in advance and be gentle** 


So, I guess I have a personality trait of over thinking things, I suppose there's worse traits out there, but I can tell you right now I would swap this one for any other trait in the world. 
I don't really know why I'm writing this, I'm pretty sure it is just to vent, I mean, There's no one else I can talk to about this, as it is purely "secret squirrel" as she calls it.
Sometimes I just wonder about timing and also if its all a big joke to someone, I wouldn't say I'm religious, nor would I say I was atheist, But sometime I have to wonder if I am just someone's entertainment and that nothing will ever work out for me.
I'm aware how typically emo that makes me sound, but a life without high's is also a life without lows, if all you have is bad luck then you do not realise it, because you have nothing to compare it to.
However my life has just enough highs, for me too really feel the lows. What I'm trying to say is, if you have a lot of highs, the lows don't hit you as hard, mainly due to a self riotous belief that some thing good is round the corner. How ever its sort of the reverse with me, and perhaps it is my own fault, for whenever something lovely or positive happens, something bad is in its wake,**I just look over my shoulder constantly, waiting for it to spring its evil,smug little trap, and that is how, perhaps, it is all my own fault, perhaps, maybe, a brighter outlook is needed but alas, personalities are some what shaped and set in stone from and early age, and I guess I'm just too bent out of shape to change.
***
So our story starts, as they say, some 6 or 7 months ago, started a course at university and made new friends. I meet this fantastic girl amongst others, called Anna,she was beautiful,smart and above all else she seemed to know me straight away with a wisdom beyond he age, you know the kind, I'm pretty sure everyone has met someone like that, and if you haven't you will, and when you do you'll think, that crazy guy I read about years ago was right. Anyway I digress, she was the type of girl, morning,night or noon, that was happy to sit and chew the fat with me, about anything and everything, not always serious subjects like who the universe was formed , whether our universe could produce a similar planet to ours thousands of miles away to support life, but sometime silly ones like, theories on why toast lands butter side down, or how many M & M's it would take to fill a flat mates mouth to shut them up, you know a mixed bag, just really great woman to be around.

At the beginning of uni, I made several bad decisions, one of which led me in bed with another guys girl, Kate, in my defence, I didn't know the guy at the time, he has turned out later on in the year to be a bit of an ass, but still it happened, and I**can't really make excuses for it, in fact I refuse to, I didn't cheat on anyone, I was the the person used,not for the first time either and certainly not the last time, at the point of writing this I think I would have racked up 6 times user status, and yet we never learn do we?, well I guess some of you more perfect types do, but for those like me that live for the moment, attempting to seize the moment and make an adventure of our lives, we never learn. And I think even if someone pointed out to me at the start that I was making the same mistake again, I'd probably just laugh it off, I believe no mistake is a bad mistake, they're all learning experience's, besides, who know's one day, one of these so called "mistakes" will pay off, it's as the old saying goes "he who dares wins, but he who hesitates loses" and saying I will very much elude to later on.

O.K. back to the story,quickly this developed into a love triangle, for only a week or so, but still,it turned into a mess fairly quickly, Kate flip flopped between wanting me and wanting him, and opening he big mouth to tell him,me and any other soul with in earshot about each and every sordid detail.
I must admit, she did do wonder's for my social status at the time, She wasn't shy in telling everyone that we did the nasty in the common room floor next to Anna and Craig, she also did that thing that women occasionally do without realising, praising my prowess in bed, to any and all that would listen.

After about a week a discussion with Anna happened, she was just such a help, I felt as if I was trapped, too far in to go back, but to weak to carry on, she guided me superbly, with just one sentence, that will stick with me till the end of days, "Robert, Your beautiful, never let yourself be second best to anyone, your worth more than second best." So with this new strength and determination I told Kate that this had to stop, quite luckily for me she agreed and was about to cut me loose anyway, I just beat her to the punch, as the old Cliché goes.

Over the next few months Anna and I would spend more and more time together, another friend of mine, Craig, in a rather childish manner called "dibs" on Anna and as we got closer and closer, during a rather alcohol fuelled evening, happened to mention to one of Anna's flat mates, "I'm going to end up sleeping with Anna ent I, Craig's going to be so pissed at me." Semi luckily for me I'd drank enough booze to knock out an elephant, and thusly forgot the whole conversation. A couple or so days would pass, we'd go through the same routine, Go to class, come back, text each other, I'd go to her common room, watch T.V. eat together, watch a load of movies or read together till 1AM and then I'd slip off to my own bed and wait for the repeat the next day, I make it sound like such a chore, but really I enjoyed every minute of it, every second I spent with that damn woman made me wish there were more hours in the day, days in the month and months in the year. 

Until one night a few days later, I received a text as my head hit the pillow, this was most strange, from an unknown number saying "Your were right by the way, sooner or later you should sleep with me, best make it sooner rather than later." I also had one other text message stored from this number saying "Hey dude, It's Tim, I'm using Anna's phone, you out tonight." 
I chose to ignore the message and reply in the morning, when I had a clear head, and so instead of slipping off to my own bed on the next day (coincidently it was a Monday,) I slipped of to Anna's bed with her, we put random wildlife DVD's on, as a cover up more than anything, and at around 2-3AM I started to feel sleep, I made my excuses, gave her a kiss goodnight, and slipped of to my own familiar bed.**
Pretty much the same thing happened the very next night, except this time, as I reached my uncomfortable uni provided single hard bed I receive a text saying "I'm not the sort of girl that usually has to wait for a 3rd date you know." Well this knocked me back a step or too, I mean, I'm not overly shy around women, but one thing I am is piss poor at reading between the lines, or seeing sign's, as you may have just worked out, so thinking quickly on my feet, a personal gift of mine, it has to be a pretty hopeless situation that I can't come up with some viable reason to escape or do damage limitation with, so I replied "Technically, we haven't been on a date yet, we've been hanging out, I'll tell you what, well go out tomorrow night, just the 2 of us and that will be a date," she liked this idea, I'm pretty sure she was looking for me to go back up to her room that night however, I think I got away with it.

So the next evening we go out on our date, we went to the movies, watched the new harry potter, not my thing but there really wasn't anything else on at all, after the date we must have stayed in the theatre for at least another half hour, just hugging and making out or as "the catcher in the rye" would put it necking, it was past 12 and getting late, the place was closing so we headed home and that night we slept together in her bed, I remember falling asleep with her in my arms, my front to her back, my arms protectively around her, Man did she feel warm and comforting, I wish I could be there right now and never leave, but as some one once said, "sometime love last and sometimes it just hurts"**


----------



## Woodroam (May 16, 2011)

This seems to be a cathartic recounting of experience. It is hard to critique. I can tell you that when I started writing I wasn't as talented a writer as you. My punctuation and spelling was worse, my sentences were rambling, and I couldn't stay on a single topic for long. In addition, I typed everything in uppercase because I didn't know when to capitalize. I typed with one finger. I wrote garbage every day. I wrote and wrote until I had stacks of crap around me. No one read my writing and I didn't take any writing classes because I feared that criticism would make me give up. With determination I kept at it. Then one day I wrote a story. It wasn't very good but I knew it was a big step forward. I learned how to punctuate dialogue by looking at published novels. I learned how to make a paragraph and my spelling errors decreased. I kept writing. You can find the results of my ordeal in the Sci-fi/Fantasy section.

My suggestion for you is that you continue on: write the next chapter and the one after that -- keep going until you get to the end of the story. Next, print it up on paper, erase it from the computer, and retype the entire story from paper to computer again. You'll find lots of places to make improvements. Print it up again, get a digital recorder and read your story out loud into the recorder. If as you're reading you find places that you want to change, then edit your computer copy and reread that part. After you complete your recording put the whole thing out of your mind for awhile. Do some pleasure reading. Finally, go back and rewrite again. Oh yeah, make friends with an English Major and when you feel it's ready, ask your friend to look at and edit a few pages -- not the whole thing but enough pages that mistakes you've missed will be caught. Good luck and keep writing.


----------



## poisonbiggs (May 16, 2011)

hi woodroam,
First off thank you for taking the time to read my little composition, I like to thank you for your tips and advice,they are most welcome and very useful.
Secondly in many ways i take it as a compliment that this come's across as a "cathartic recounting of experience," however, where there is certainly elements of my experience's in this, for example the first date scene was a date i went on with my current partner all though extremely dramatised and not our actual first date, and the character reciting this, is something I'm not, I have sort of fallen in love with tales written in the first person recently and decided to go down that route.
Thanks once more for the great comments


----------



## Olly Buckle (May 17, 2011)

A meandering and vague opening, when I got to "So our story starts ..." I actually wondered if what went before was part of your "Just a quick note..", opening paragraphs should catch the reader's attention.
Look at this:-



 I have a personality trait I would swap for any other trait in the world. I'm writing this to vent. There's no one else I can talk to, it is purely "secret squirrel" as she calls it.
Sometimes I have to wonder if I am just entertainment, and that nothing will ever work out for me.
How emo that makes me sound, but a life without high's is also a life without lows, you have nothing to compare.

I have added nothing, they are all your words, only taken away a bit of extra baggage. Your opening, as you have it, does not grab the reader, not this one anyway.

That apostrophe in high's is not needed by the way, it's a plural.


----------

