# Expectations Slip



## Nee (Jan 4, 2013)

*
Expectations Slip*

Empty in our quietness
Standing guilty in your heart
A hunger under a sheltering mask
Rising blood: no pressuring screams
Yet no signs of what they call peace
Like things better left unbuttoned
Just endless storming in the dark
With no time for walking edges
Nor, enough for examinations
But what were we expecting
For dreams are for sleepers
& life-times are for others
As our expectations slip.

.


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## Vitaly Ana (Jan 5, 2013)

I like this one very much. It read very well and struck a chord with me. Great feeling of things fading away (such as love, dreams, hope) but at the end, I didn't feel like all was lost since the subjects still seem young.

Here is where I got lost a little: 

L4 "Pressuring screams"* I understand the connection to rising blood, but somehow it didn't quite work (just me)*
L5 Yet no signs of what they call peace
L6  Like things better left unbuttoned* (is the "Like" to compare? or is the "Like" used as in, "I like......unbuttoned" ?*

"No time for walking edges" is an_ excellent_ line used in this poem

Really like the last 4 lines - great finish and consistent with the theme of the poem to help it flow.

Liked this one a lot   Thanks for posting!


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## Nee (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you Ana, that was very nice. And yes this is a life readjustment piece.  

on further reflection I think L4 might fit better as:
*No pressure of blood rising screams

*And yes it is *Like *as in compare. 

Thank you again.


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## Nee (Jan 5, 2013)

*Expectations Slip **(revised) *

Empty in our quietness
Standing guilty in your heart
A hunger under a sheltering mask 
No pressure of blood rising screams
Yet no signs of what they call peace
Like things better left unbuttoned
Just endless storming in the dark
With no time for walking edges
Nor, enough for examinations
But what were we expecting
For dreams are for sleepers
& life-times are for others
As our expectations slip.


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## dolphinlee (Jan 5, 2013)

Hello Nee i like the new version much better. 

It's nice to see you being so active. By the way. If you update your work you can swap the new version for the old one in your original piece, or put it above the original. Others who have done this have made a note to say this.


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## Nee (Jan 5, 2013)

Will do dolphinlee


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## ktee (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi Nee,

I like this a lot. There are great images and metaphors in each line, and I like the minimal use of words. Some lines especially are fantastic.   

You said it's a life adjustment piece. My guess is of a relationship? It reminds me of the lyrics of the John Mayer song _Heartbreak Warfare_. 

I only have a few critiques. I find it easier to paste the poem and put my comments beside it because this is what we did at University. 



*Expectations Slip (revised) 

Empty in our quietness  I like this. **
Standing guilty in your heart **
A hunger under a sheltering mask **I like this line a lot**
No pressure of blood rising screams **I think I know what you mean by this line (especially in the context of the line below) **but it confuses me a bit. First, 'blood rising screams' doesn't read quite right. I'm not sure if it's similar to 'blood curdling screams' or it infers screams caused by blood rising/blood boiling (i.e. anger). And the 'no pressure' confuses me too. My interpretation would be the situation is so broken/unresponsive that there isn't even enough tension to start an argument. But it was hard work to get there as a reader. **
Yet no signs of what they call peace
Like things better left unbuttoned
Just endless storming in the dark
With no time for walking edges **Great line**
Nor, enough for examinations **I feel like 'enough' is a word you've used because you wanted to pad the sentence or couldn't think of another word. I think you should work on replacing it for a better impact.  **
But what were we expecting
For dreams are for sleepers **the use of 'for' twice is an issue; one of those "rules" that poets get shredded for  But I don't know what you would do to change it....**
& life-times are for others **You've used '&' to keep the sentence the right length? I think you could spell it and delete the 'are'**
As our expectations slip.*


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## Nee (Jan 8, 2013)

Here again Ktee, thank you for commenting.

"Nor, enough for examinations" is in fact, how I would say something of that nature. If I were to say that without the word enough, then I would do so without out the word "for" as well; "Nor examination". 

Thanks again.


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## aj47 (Jan 8, 2013)

I like the look of this as much as its content.   The shape is suggestive of the title.  Add me to the list of those with problems with the pressure screams.   I can't think of how to say what I think you're intending that "fits" with the rest of it so I should probably keep to myself.


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