# The first paragraph



## Penless (May 26, 2017)

*My first paragraph!*

Hi! 

I-i'm new to writing, so please pad your flaming pitchforks of criticism with plenty of NERF and bubble-wrap, o-ok? 

I've been trying to make it a habit of writing a page a day. (about 250 words). 
It's been about a week. And I think I'm making progress _hurrah!_
But you can't judge distance with only one point of perspective, right? 
And so, _ta-dah__!_ here I am. 

...

I have 8 pages so far, each a different story. 
But let's start at the very beginning. Below are the 8 story starters; the very first paragraph of each story. 

Please let me know which of these has best caught your interest and makes you want to know more. I'll post the first page of that story. 

I appreciate any critique you can offer, and I retract my earlier plea; please be as brutal as necessary!


And in general:
What do you think the first sentence/paragraph needs to accomplish?
Do you have any tips or tricks for how to start a story?
Are there any articles/courses/books you would recommend?

Many thanks,
Jo Penless
----------------​*18/05/2017: Untitled*
The morning air was crisp on the man’s naked flesh, wet and unused to the cold, he hugged his arms close and shivered constantly. The forest floor was littered with the first bright leaves of autumn, offering some protection to the man’s shoeless feet, and for that he was thankful.

*19/05/2017: A new kind of hero*

In the stories, the valiant hero vanquishes evil with sword and sorcery, recovering captured princesses, righting wrongs, and reaping the rewards of love and fame from those they save. 
Roger twirled his own weapon between thumb and index finger. It would never spill blood, only ink, but it had more power to save or slay than the most fantastic swords of fantasy.

*21/05/2017: The Hunter / The Misleading Sauna*

The hunter sat in perfect stillness.
Sweat glistened on golden skin, beaded, and ran across rippled muscle to fall and sizzle onto the scorching stone. 
The hunter’s eyes were closed, all his attention focused inward on surviving the deadly heat. 
A muffled sound; the hunter’s ears twitched; opened to take in every nuance of the noise.
Sudden light and chill air swept across the hunter’s senses; at last, his prey had come.



Mary opened the sauna door... 

*23/05/2017: A fortress of a man.*

I met him in a church of all places; he was a fortress of a man, all unshakable confidence and tyrannical will. His manner commanded respect, but what sent a chill down my spine was his lust for power. His name was Merlin, though I wouldn’t learn this for a long time; all I knew then was that I had to break him – had to make him mine.


*24/05/2017: Overprotective parents.
*
Mika’s parents took every precaution. She was born in a lab, on a small island off the coast of the arctic. There, isolated by sea, snow and steel, they felt the world was safe from her. They were wrong.


*24/05/2017: Doorbell at **3am.* 

Of all the ways to start a day, a doorbell rarely bodes well.
Mary woke to find the sky still dark and the bed half empty. Her husband’s absence wasn’t unusual, his work being what it was, so she paid it little mind. Mary rolled from the memory-foam mattress and into strategically placed fur slippers. Shrugging on a dressing gown, she moved to the intercom to see who was at the door.

*25/05/2017: A secret story*

“You must never share with anyone the story I’m about to share with you” my father’s mandibles chittered in warning as he drew me close and spoke: “Here” he continued “hidden away in the deepest desert, isolated from the world by sun, snakes and thousands of tons of sand, lives a creature capable of such unspeakable cruelty and destruction that its name has become a curse on the tongues of sentients” he leaned in close now and whispered; “that creature is_ man_.”


*26/05/2017: **Caramelised bacon.*

Tongues of flame licked the succulent flesh, loosening fat to drip and sizzle on the hot coals below. The mayor’s mouth salivated at the salty smell of caramelizing meat. That was the best part about burning children – the fat – this community being what it was, only the very young and very rich had fat to spare, and the rich weren’t nearly so easy to frame.


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## Ptolemy (May 27, 2017)

Well, I've been told to elaborate, so I guess I'll elaborate. 

The reason why I said none intrigue me is because they read like synopses not first paragraphs. First paragraphs are there to establish, not explain. They establish the setting, character, premise and the hook; the overall trap you want your readers to fall into. None of these have that "hook" though. They establish characters, settings and premises all really clunkly though. You also attempt a hook, but none of it is particularly effective.

There is a lot of rhetorical wordage here. "Mary opened the sauna door..." "They were wrong." "That creature is a _man" _these have no place in a first paragraph let alone the first chapter of the story. This type of suspense is good for pitches, not for effective storytelling. I see this and I groan. It's all hyped up "DUNN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!" stuff. It's like fluff, naturally hook your readers in, don't force it in this way. 

None of this "They were wrong" bs. Most of the time, unless you completely dumbfound or insult one, a reader feels a sort of obligation to move on once they pick up your writing. A hook is a marketing tool for books on the shelf and to my knowledge is put in near the end of the story making process anyways to make sure that a potential reader can pluck a book off a shelf and get hooked. So it's not often that you see a beta paper with a sufficient enough hook to truly "engage" a reader. Is a subtle hook needed? Of course, but there is no need for the all out effort here. 

My suggestion with the work? 

Just post it. 

There is nothing really wrong with just posting a piece of work and see it get digested by the collective WF community. I try to comment on every paper I see in the Prose Boards. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do your do diligence and make sure it has at least a round of editing and text-to-speech analysis. Still, pick the one you think is best and post it.


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## Penless (May 27, 2017)

Hi Ptolemy,



Ptolemy said:


> None of these have that "hook" though.


 
I may not properly understand what a hook is, then. I thought it's supposed to be a mystery, surprise, or interesting feature (like a character or relationship) that grabs the readers attention and entices them to read on and find out more. 

Could you give an example of a good hook, so I can see where my attempts have fallen short? 

Many thanks, 
Jo


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## Phil Istine (May 27, 2017)

"A new kind of hero" and "Overprotective parents" look like they could have potential, though catchier titles may help too.  I haven't used your poll because it's of the radio button type which only allows one selection.


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## bdcharles (May 27, 2017)

#2 did it for me. It isn't afraid to switch tenses to achieve a voice, and it sets up an interesting premise of a fantasy writer with perhaps some hidden power so that's the one I would read on. The others? They sound too much like writing and tend to rely on "X was an extremely adjectival Y because of trivial and irrelevant minutiae Z."


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## Deleted member 56686 (May 27, 2017)

I went with the Hunter though I'd drop the Misleading Sauna part. I've always have been a fan of the twist ending so why not the twist beginning too?


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## Ptolemy (May 27, 2017)

Penless said:


> Hi Ptolemy,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sure, I guess. Contrary to popular belief, a hook doesn't need to be a "Terry opened the door and peered into the darkness" or "Marge couldn't believe what she saw..." Yes, technically, they are hooks. However, I see them as very "low-effort". Many hooks are just the premise themselves. If I had to choose one that had a good "hook" it would be #7, a secret story. 

A hook's goal in the narrative overall is to engage, raise a question, foreshadow, show a 'unique' tone, establish a relatable character, start in some sort of action and set a context for the story. All to get people wanting to read on. 

Your collection (in my totally subjective opinion) focuses to much on that "question and foreshadow" rather than setting a tone, character, and establishing characters. 

If I had to pull an example off my bookshelf, I would say _The Golden Compass _even though I thoroughly despise that book for being really boring, it still has an effective hook: 

"Lyra and her dæmon moved through the darkening hall, taking care to keep to one side, out of sight of the kitchen.” _(__P. Pullman, The Golden Compass)_

Who is this Lyra? Who is this daemon? Why are they in this 'darkening' hall? Why are they hiding? Is she going to get caught if she is sneaking around? Is she possibly going to steal something from the kitchen? These are all questions that manifest in our minds. 
Action is clearly stated, they are in the midst of sneaking down a hall, whilst not 'pew-pew' action, it is still action. 
There is a sense of tone, mainly in the use of daemon. It's an interesting and mysterious in that we automatically associate it with "demon" in our minds, however, we know that it isn't a demon, it's a daemon. It also subtly hints at a form of danger, they wouldn't be sneaking around if there wasn't a semblance of a threat. 
It establishes a context for the setting. Regular condos do not have 'darkening halls' that are large enough for a person to hide in the shadows of one side. It's a tell that this is a building with a large hallway along with a kitchen of some sort.
It also kind of implies that Lyra could get caught, the golden rule of establishment is that once you establish you must pull through or the establishment is nigh. So it's only right for us to have that minute amount of tension build up and say "Dang, she could get caught here."

I know I'm kind of working in supreme hyperbole here. The Golden Compass is a piece of Triple A fiction that is adored by readers and critics alike. And yours is simply a rough draft still in the development stages. But still, the comments have merit. Again, in my completely subjective opinion, the hooks are to forthright, they are too obvious. _TGC_, whilst not my favorite book, still invites intrigue and discussion from the line. There are thousands of paths you can go down with this line. It invites a subtle tell to the plot, and the tension builds with the scene as it goes on. 

I may have overstepped my bounds (I did) and saying that your examples have "no hook" because they have a hook, I just don't find them particularly effective. Some of the premises are really nice, and that has an effect in wanting the reader to read on. I feel you actually need to focus less on the "hook" and more on the premise, then juxtapositioning a hook in where it works. Not just throwing a hook in there for the sake of having a hook. Hooks have a point, having "They were wrong" doesn't invite intrigue and subtle inferring, it invites a brick of "Hey! You! Yes, you! We got a hook right here! Read on pal!"


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## Jay Greenstein (May 27, 2017)

> I may not properly understand what a hook is, then. I thought it's supposed to be a mystery, surprise, or interesting feature


That's not the problem. What is, is that you, the author, are explaining your story to the reader as if reporting on what happens, with explanations as to the significance of the events. It's how we're taught to write in our schooldays—fact-based, author-centric, and meant to inform. But we read fiction to be entertained. Being informed is secondary. More than that, we want to experience the events on an emotional level, and in real-time. So instead of telling the reader "what sent a chill down my spine was his lust for power." You might have it come up in conversation, so we not only get the information, we get the reaction to the statement from those in the story. Even better would make the reader, as a result of the events _in_ the story, distrust him because of his apparent lust for power—as that reader sees it. In other words, showing the reader the story-world as a participant instead of telling them about it in a voice they can read but not hear.

Obviously, the nonfiction, report-writing skills we're given in school aren't up to that task, because it takes an emotion-based and character-centric approach. So you need to add a few of the skills the fiction-writing pros and publishers view as necessary. Not good news, I know. But since any field has its trade-secrets and specialized knowledge, acquiring it is just part of becoming a writer, and no big deal. 

There are articles on the Internet, and lots of books on the subject can be found in the local library system's fiction writing section, to help with the "becoming." My suggestion, there, is to look for the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.


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## bdcharles (May 27, 2017)

@Ptolemy precisely the sample I would have suggested!


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## Theglasshouse (May 27, 2017)

I've been in your position before. Writing is a learning process and of peer feedback by others and I thought I could write anything that I liked (you have to workshop often). 14 years ago I thought I could become one easily if I set my mind to it. It's difficult for me. I resort to craft books to explain elements or aspects of craft that otherwise are complex to me (not to mention my english skills). I think if I find the good ones that help me I'd be more than willing to share. But honestly, it is hard to sell people this opinion (but so as to not look stupid if you feel you need desperate recommendations on books on writing I can help but you judge on whether it is worth it in the end). If you ever need a book to be recommended I have no credentials to say that and make people believe me. Having said that I am telling you craft is important but practice becomes more important in a critique group such as this one, for example, the concept of what is a hook. Craft teaches something if it works (lots of bad advice out there maybe including what is on the internet, that includes me).

So I have mixed feelings. 2 and 5 I like. Any character in some form of trouble is good. Trouble often will lead to conflict. I said 2 because of fantasy. 5 Because it could work if you develop it well since maybe the conflict is a person who they haven't met in years who suddenly appears. For that backstory would play a big part. A situation often starts with a person in a bad position getting worse, because of something they did or others. We must feel and for a character and they will become sympathetic to readers.

I like this explanation for conflict which reads easy for me. A character makes a mistake and must fix it. Until then consequences will start mounting. The character trait hampers the character. Maybe they are lazy because of something in their past. Just an example. That's how I plan to do when writing my stories (how to start one writing as a beginning of a story).


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## Penless (May 27, 2017)

Morning! 

Righto, if I've understood the feedback correctly:
1. My hooks aren't subtle enough.
2. I should try to involve the reader rather than inform.

Working with Ptolemy's example from The Golden Compass, would this be better? (for story 5, overprotective parents)

----
I flipped closed the seal to my daughter’s room, the shaking in my hands diminished as the familiar shower of bright blue chemicals pattered off my plastic suit.
Leaving the sanitization chamber, I began to strip the hazard suit and hang it neatly by the door.

‘All good boss?’ asked a mousy British man donning lab coat and clipboard.

‘Yeah, Jo. we’re good.’ I answered, now naked save for white briefs.

The man’s face seemed to light up with relief as he marked his clipboard. 
‘I know it’s daft,’ he continued, ‘but even after all these years my heart races every time that door opens’

I smiled, understanding the feeling all too well. 
‘Look outside’ I gestured to one of the great glass windows which spotted the corridor. ‘There’s nothing but snow and ice for hundreds of miles. She’s not getting out.’

The man's pen joined several others in the front pocket of his lab coat ‘It’s not the rest of the world I worry about’ he continued. 

I continued to dress without further comment.
----

I think this conveys the same information but with dialog and character action instead of exposition*. 

However, the next scene I'd written picks up several years in the future just before the climax of the 'They were wrong' event. at the moment it's like this:

----

‘Please Ken, if we use her…’ I pleaded as the man barrelled on through steel corridors.

‘her?’ the sturdy man scoffed without breaking stride. ‘I’ve read the reports. This is what _it_ was made for’

‘With all due respect, the reports don’t…’

‘Enough, Merlin!’ he barked ‘This is happening. If you don’t like it, I’ll take your resignation.’

I stopped, shaking… resign? I’d invested 30 years in this lab, and he told me to resign?

Ken took several steps down the corridor before realizing I was no longer following.

He turned, and his scowl softened ‘Look, Merlin old friend… I don’t have any more choice in this than you do. If you say this is a mistake, I believe you, but we don’t call the shots.’

My shoulders sagged under the weight of that truth, and I dragged my feet down the corridor.
----

Which I felt followed on from the 'Mika's parents... ' intro since it was kinda timeless, but now that I've rewritten it as a scene it has a setting in time in the story. How can I naturally transition between the two and show that several years have passed?


Thanks for all the feedback so far! 
Jo


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## Jay Greenstein (May 27, 2017)

Much better. Part of what I have to say is about things you probably would have caught, with editing. Red is cut, blue is additions. Comments in parenthesis


> I flipped closed the seal to my daughter’s room, then waited, the shaking in my hands  diminisheding as the familiar shower of bright blue (irrelevant visual detail. Would the story change if they were green?) chemicals pattered off  my plastic suit. (given that you later call it a hazard suit, I'd use that here, then just "suit" in the next line)
> 
> Leaving the sanitization chamber, I began to stripped off the hazard suit and hang hung it neatly by the door. (irrelevant visual detail. And, by specifying that he begun, and not continuing, he never finished beginning. So again, it's unneeded detail, as is _how_ he hung it. Every unnecessary word you remove speeds the read and adds impact.)
> 
> ...



Hope this proves useful.


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## Theglasshouse (May 27, 2017)

This is just a preview of your work I know. Here are some comments or feedback.



> I flipped closed the seal to my daughter’s room, the shaking in my hands diminished as the familiar shower of bright blue chemicals pattered off my plastic suit.
> Leaving the sanitization chamber, I began to strip the hazard suit and hang it neatly by the door.
> 
> ‘All good boss?’ asked a mousy British man donning lab coat and clipboard.
> ...





1)First example.
Withholding information too much of it can confuse other people. Sometimes bluntness helps. Especially when you have the conflict and story written. 

I'll be honest I was a little confused because I needed more information to know what was going on at the beginning of the story. But with a few thoughts, I included I see a bigger story as I sometimes have told people when reading their stories as of recently. I hope I understood correctly. I wish some of the plot was more specific, and that way we can make the reader understand what is going on. 



> ‘Please Ken, if we use her…’ I pleaded with my friend as he barrelled through the steel corridors.
> ‘her?’ the sturdy man scoffed without breaking stride. ‘I’ve read the reports. This is what it was made for’
> ‘With all due respect, the reports don’t…’
> ‘Enough, Merlin!’ he barked ‘This is happening. If you don’t like it, I’ll take your resignation.’
> ...




second example
2)
As a moment before the climax this works I know is taken out of context. (the second example) (so it is a work in progress I know)
(This is my interpretation of swain's way of reading emotions to write them). (his theory is kind of difficult to get but this might be it)I think it's got potential for a story, however, this is how I perceive the potential draft for the moment (second example). Maybe he comes off as a reckless man without help after he fires someone working at a laboratory. Might need more specifics as to why the author says he is foolish. Also, he also is dealing with dangerous substances. Either, way he is probably doing some considered dangerous because he is alluding something that makes him feel daft because he can't help it. So this can set up different reactions to the story depending on the character's personality. Maybe one thinks he is crazy, and one that is foolish, while the other curious. (that is how characters develop unfavorable feelings towards one another or reactions which as subjective and not objective). My interpretation is probably different. That's the emotion I thought of the emotional state of the character. Sometimes emotion results in action, thought, or speech, like swain's book says.
They are reacting to the situation happening in the laboratory and the firing. (speech action, thought feeling are the units used; or dialogue)

BTW, I liked the story just that I have lingering questions because this is just an extract. 

So part 2 I had no real trouble since that is the climax or near it.


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## Penless (May 28, 2017)

Hi Theglasshouse, 
Thanks for the critique. 
I want to make the most out of what you have to say, so hope you can clarify a few points:



Theglasshouse said:


> 1)First example.
> Withholding information too much of it can confuse other people.



I'm not sure how to read this. 
I thought you were saying that I need to withhold more information to avoid confusion,but then you go on to say:



Theglasshouse said:


> I'll be honest I was a little confused because I needed more information to understand what was going on at the beginning of the story



Where you seem to be saying that I need to provide more information.

Please clarify what you are advising here. 



Theglasshouse said:


> 2)



I didn't understand all you said about characterization here.

I had believed the characters and scene to be well portrayed. 
However your comments seem to have interpreted it very differently to how I intended.
Evidently I've failed to convey the scene with clarity. 

*The scene I was trying to show was:*

Two men are walking down a hallway. The POV character who runs this lab (Merlin), and his superior (Ken) who is visiting from outside. 
Ken is walking purposefully in the lead, and Merlin is desperately  trying to convince Ken to change his mind before they reach the end of the corridor where 'she' is. 


> ‘Please Ken, if we use her…’ I pleaded with my friend as he barrelled through the steel corridors.



Ken is planning to use 'her' for something, and Merlin believes it  is a very bad idea.
Merlin's pleas for Ken to reconsider.



> ‘her?’ the sturdy man scoffed without breaking stride. ‘I’ve read the reports. This is what _it_ was made for’
> ‘With all due respect, the reports don’t…’


 But this frustrates Ken, because he also doesn't have any power to decide.
In his irritation, he makes an off-handed comment that Merlin should resign if he disagrees with what is happening. 


> ‘Enough, Merlin!’ he barked ‘This is happening. If you don’t like it, I’ll take your resignation.'


This shocks Merlin, who has diligently worked at the remote lab for 30 years. 
He stops in the corridor in shock. 



> I stopped, shaking… resign? I’d invested 30 years in this lab, and he told me to resign?


Ken realizes Merlin is no longer keeping pace, and sees the effect his words have had, and that he was too harsh. Ken then tries to console and comfort Merlin, where we learn that Merlin and Ken are old friends, and that Ken has no choice in the matter either. 



> Ken took several steps down the corridor before realizing I was no longer following.
> He turned, and his frown softened   ‘Look, Merlin old friend… I don’t have any more choice in this than you   do. If you say this is a mistake, I believe you, but we don’t call the   shots.’


Merlin accepts that he is helpless to stop what is happening and proceeds to follow orders, despite believing it is a bad idea. 


> My shoulders sagged in resignation, and I dragged my feet down the corridor.





*Does anyone have any advice as to how I might express this scene more effectively? 
Any specific techniques I would benefit from implementing, for example? *

Many thanks,
Jo


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## Penless (May 28, 2017)

Jay Greenstein said:


> Obviously, the nonfiction, report-writing skills we're given in school aren't up to that task,



The technique they taught for starting a piece of writing at school was
 'Setting, setting detail, setting detail,  X detail, X detail, X is Y.' Where Y is a surprise. Like:
'High in the Swiss alps, above the skier trodden, pine covered slopes, lays the most beautiful sight known to man; it is a Potato.' ( The next sentence then justifies why potatoes are the most beautiful sight know to man.)

I still think this technique works well for writing nonfiction. 

I tried to adapt it to fiction by putting it in dialog in the 'A secret story' opening.

But that one doesn't seem to have worked very well ^^


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## Theglasshouse (May 28, 2017)

It's okay to be confused. I think your characterization is spot on and good (I just couldn't resist and wanted to interpret the second scene) even though I made those comments for scene 1 it is because I needed a more clear cut picture.(what I described is a technique to write stories) But that describing the demeanor or the feeling the character has lets us plot more based what the characters do in the scene. It's pretty long I'll try to explain it in my own words. You see this is a way to write a scene. What I said are my reactions to the character. What a character may think is a habit or behavior in a story. What they think they may end up following the advice. If the character is seen as foolish, then you can create a character that reacts that he may be crazy, reckless or anything you see here. That's shows you a method to create story characters for a scene. Why is this useful, to write scenes. You get an important dominant impression. The characterization is spot on. You created them. I just wanted to write down my feelings in regards to the character. Sorry for the confusion, Penless. I apologize for that confusion The characterization works. I liked your characters and wanting to inform you on their emotional state, which is a technique of writing. It also helps brainstorm for plot.

Yes, I have advice but from the same book, I got the advice and Greenstein got his advice from.
Taken from Dwight swain's techniques of the selling writer.


> (1) Cut to the bone the amount of information you give your reader. Is all the data as to what caused that horn-shaped birthmark really necessary? (2) Break up the essential content. Instead of shoving a half-page of past history at me in a lump, like soggy, dripping laundry, maybe you could plant the pasture in one spot, as part of the setting; the bull in another, as a continuing menace; sister’s birthmark in a third, with a sex-tinted situation to carry it, and so on. (3) Make someone need the information. You motivate reader attention when you set someone in search of needed information. But your reader recognizes that the villain already knows the details of his own plot, so any scene that involves his accomplice telling him about it automatically rings as phony as a lead nickel. (4) Make that “someone” have to fight to learn what he needs to know. If I want you to Tell All and you don’t want to, conflict and story interest are in the making. On the other hand, if the villain’s mistress starts to volunteer information, Hero and Reader likely will head for the nearest exit . . . much the way you do when Auntie decides the time has come to share all the details of her latest operation with you. (5) Tie information to action. Tell me a given man is dangerous with a knife, and I may or not believe you. Let me see him carve somebody up, and my hair stands on end with no resort at all to conscious logic. I may even grow willing to listen to a few lurid details about the guy’s past history! (6) Motivate some character to pay attention to anything you want your reader to notice. You establish a character’s diabetes—a vital plot issue, perhaps—more vividly if you let him give himself a shot of insulin in another character’s presence. Whereupon, Character Number 2 is appropriately motivated to ask if your diabetic is on heroin, and an explanation of the facts becomes in order. (7) Present your data subjectively, in most instances. If the hero is emotionally involved with anyone, your reader rates the inside dope. Let him experience the pain or passion or yearning in viewpoint . . . not hear about it



I think you did a good job.

You kind of confused me in the first scene which I know is not complete. But I know it is an excerpt and I like your story's ideas honestly do not worry. Their characters specifically. The second scene is good and intriguing. I know your characters.

Have the character need the information could apply from the above. Whatever you read here is the same advice to present the action clearly or the scene. These are fiction techniques created by swain. And so on, that is one of many ways he suggests. I think or a feud, what Swain calls a fight to extract information also helps. That is if there is any information. That is how you deal with backstory and exposition and telling. You are guilty of none IMO. Just need to make the conflict come off the page.(withholding information was because I wanted more details but ignore this if not helpful advice.

If you are confused let me know because this applies to the same feedback you are getting. You can change certain details of the scene to these guidelines. That's what Greenstein I believe means.


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## Jay Greenstein (May 28, 2017)

> The technique they taught for starting a piece of writing at school was


The purpose of public education, when it was established at the beginning of the industrial revolution, was to address the problem that the work force had no consistent, and predictable, set of skills because teaching the kids was Mom's job, and Mom's level of skill was unpredictable. So the core subjects, then, as now, is on the three R's, "reading, writing, and 'rithmatic." And the kind of writing that industry and commerce require (stockholder reports excepted, of course) is nonfiction. That's why we wrote so many reports and essays, and so few stories. Think back to how much time your teachers spent on tag usage, how to introduce tension, why the scene almost always ends in disaster for the protagonist, and even how the structure of a scene differs on the page. Those are professional skills fiction-writers need to know, but useless when writing a report.





> Two men are  walking down a hallway. The POV character who runs this lab (Merlin),  and his superior (Ken) who is visiting from outside.


Notice something important. In each of the examples you gave, the things you mention represent your _intent_ for the section of prose. And because you have that piece of the puzzle, as well as the backstory and scene ambiance the reader lacks, it works for you. But when you release your words, you, your intent, and everything that went into creating the story become irrelevant. It's _that_ reader, and what your words, and their placement, suggest to _that_ reader, based on _their_ background, that matters. And since you have no way of knowing that, the writing, somehow, must make the reader stop using their understanding and replace it with the character's, so that the reader's perception of the story matches the character's.

Problem is, they gave us not a clue of how to do that in our classes. In fact, since our teachers learned their writing skills in the same classrooms, they're as unaware of the problem as the students. So we pretty much all come to writing with a major misconception. But who's to tell us? Not our teachers, and certainly not our classmates. So with great sincerity, and the best of intentions, we create fiction that reads either like a transcription of our telling the story aloud, or the detailed history of a fictional event.

But our goal isn't to tell a story, any more than a film's goal is that. Our goal is to entertain the reader from start to finish. Story counts, of course. But a selling writer could take the plot of pretty much anyone posting their work in a writing forum and make the story fun to read. You might say, "The story was only so-so, but I really like this guy's characters." Turn that around, though, and give a really great plot to the average hopeful writer and the result will be rejected in less than a page, because no one _ever_ said, "I disliked the writing, but the plot was great." Why? Because their dislike of the writing means they stop reading before the end of page one.

And that, as it so often is, is my point. We need to focus on making the writing grab the reader by the throat on page one and not let go. We have to make them _need_ to turn the page. Curiosity is what impels them to turn to page one. But curiosity fades, word by word, unless we replace it with interest, then commitment. And since studies in the bookstores have shown that the average reader makes a decision to buy in less than three full pages of reading, that means we do it as close to the top of page one as possible.

The easiest way I know of is to present the story from the inside out—within the viewpoint of the protagonist—as against having a dispassionately voiced outside observer, our narrator, explain. Inside-Out, one of my writing articles, might clarify why, but I'm not allowed to link to my articles within the body of the post.

Hope this clarifies.


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## Penless (May 28, 2017)

Hi Jay,

I want to make the most of what you have to say, however, I find your critique a bit generalized. You say I'm doing X wrong, but don't tend to point out where or how. for example 


Jay Greenstein said:


> That's not the problem. What is, is that you, the author, are explaining your story to the reader as if reporting on what happens



This tells me that _somewhere_ in my work I did X wrong. 
It doesn't tell me where X mistake was made, nor contrast where it was done well. 
It doesn't give me a way to correct X mistake once I do identify where it is. 

I read your article but again found a lot of 'good writing is this' not 'this is how you do good writing'.

I really benefitted from the critique where you quoted what I'd written and added comment in-line with it, since I could see exactly what you were referring to and you gave excellent advice as to how and why to correct it.


Perhaps it's my learning style, but I believe I benefit most from that kind of short dissection of the specifics;
"(Quote) 'this part is wrong because... ' "
And specific solutions;
'...and you can improve it by applying X formula/technique'.

However with your more general feedback I struggle to take it on-board and apply the advice. 

For example, 
You advise I need to use POV. 
*Where?* Are there specific places I have/haven't used POV?
*How?* What POV technique would you apply here? 

*I think I would find this format of critique to be most beneficial:*
'You've done this...(Quote)' 
'I would do this...(Example)' 
'The difference is that you have done (X Technique) which (effect)'
'Whereas I've applied (Y technique) to (effect)'



Many thanks,
Jo


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## Ptolemy (May 29, 2017)

[Deleted Post]


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## John 3 (May 29, 2017)

I flipped closed the seal to my daughter’s room, the shaking in my hands diminished as the familiar shower of bright blue chemicals pattered off my plastic suit.
Leaving the sanitization chamber, I began to strip the hazard suit and hang it neatly by the door.
Nothing much too correct here except maybe a touch of overwriting. Do we need to know how neatly you hung you’re suit?

‘All good boss?’ asked a mousy British man donning lab coat and clipboard.
How do you donn a clipboard? Donning means to dress.

‘Yeah donning, Jo. we’re good.’ I answered, now naked save for white briefs.
We’re good.’ If the mans name is Jo and not an abbreviation of Joe, then you need a capital. 
The man’s face seemed to light up with relief as he marked his clipboard.

As I understand it this is the opening to a story but you have neglected to tell the reader whether the protagonist is a male or a female. For English readers ‘white briefs’ would indicate that the character was a female, so Jo’s face would certainly light up but not with relief.    
 
The old phrase ‘show don’t tell’ is well used in critiques and particularly in writing poetry. But of course every author is telling, their storytellers for gods sake, it’s not the telling, its how it is told.  

Your characters can’t exist in a vacuum so an amount of setting the scenes is inevitable, the problem we all have is deciding what is necessary and what isn’t.  
Some are easy to do, describing a creepy crypt for example enhances the fear factor and there are others but depending on the story line, some will be more difficult.
Take a furnished room, should we describe the contents? Some will say no as they haven’t any bearing on the story. But we know if we are invited into a friend’s sitting room for the first time we do take note of how the room is furnished.

Another way is using the scene itself to convey emotion and other facets relating to the story. To illustrate, a small opening to one of my short stories but its only included to demonstrate a technique.


Fanshaw awaited his fate in an outer room in the upper echelons of the Foreign Office in London, staring miserably out of a window at the November fog creeping down Whitehall.
The inclusion of the fog is used to raise the bar on his misery.

 He looked up as the door at the far end of the room opened.
“If you will come with me, Sir Dennis will see you now.”
 He was ushered into an oak panelled room where a large man sat behind a mahogany desk, checking through a batch of papers and making an occasional note in the margins.
His boss, Sir Dennis, totally ignores him, making him wait and so raises the bar on Fanshaw’s unease a notch higher.

 On the far wall, a portrait of Queen Victoria looked down at him, austere, unsmiling.
Fanshaw waited.
Again, using a portrait of Queen Victoria to raise the bar, but she also sets the time scale in which the story takes place. If a Queens’s picture was displayed in the offices of today, it would be of the present Queen. I later emphasized the time scale that the story is set by including a map of the world with the spread of the British Empire in red 
 
 He was fairly confident he was safe from dismissal but there were a selection of equally unpleasant alternatives open to the service; demotion to the third officer in charge of sheep dipping on a remote Scottish island for example. _Oh god, I detest porridge. _

A touch of humour to end the passage.

Critiques can be confusing to the writer when they receive two favourable reviews followed by a negative one. The main reason for this is that it’s almost impossible to keep personal preferences out of a critique. Remember it’s up to the writer whether they accept the advice offered or not.

One last tip—read poetry and short stories, the only cost is your time, it’s all out there and if you have the right attitude then it will inspire you beyond anything I could offer.


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## Jay Greenstein (May 29, 2017)

> I read your article but again found a lot of 'good writing is this' not 'this is how you do good writing'.


You're looking for, "Don't do this, do that instead." If it was that easy we'd all be selling our work. Writing fiction isn't just something we do. It's a profession. And given that all our lives we read professionally written and prepared/edited work, that's the standard against which we judge all writing. The average writer, before tey sell their first word will write, polish, and put aside a half-million words before getting a yes. The rejection rate for submissions these days is worse than 99.9%. 75% are rejected in a line or two for being unreadable. All but three of those remaining are seen as amateur (their term). 

No way in hell can you move into the top 3% with no more than a few examples of how a given line should be written, because without knowing the reasoning behind the changes (and that will often involve the knowledge contained in several chapters of a writing technique book) you won't be able to apply it to any but that specific line.

If you don't know what a publisher views as a well written scene, and how it differs from one written for film, can you write one that publisher will love? Will you end your scenes with disaster if you aren't aware of why that's necessary?

I'm knowledgeable because I've been studying and thinking about how to write to provide the best framework for my stores for a long time. But I'm not a teacher. And were I work to make you write exactly as I do, you would have no greater success than I do, and be making tens of dollars from your writing like I am.

One of my talents is to make every possible mistake...multiple times. So while I can tell you, "For God's sake don't do this," I cannot teach you to be a success, only point out the problems and direct you toward the people who truly know: successful writers, publishing pros, and teachers. There, you can get the nuts-and-bolts issues, and the specialized knowledge that will make your prose sing. You'll acquire both the tools and the knowledge of how to best use them. After all, every profession has issues that aren't obvious from the outside, in spite of seeing it in use as consumers of their product. When we eat great Cajun food, will the taste and texture teach us how to prepare what they call "the trinity?" Will it even tell us what's in it? No. So doesn't it make sense for us to spend a bit of time, and a few dollars in acquiring our writer's education?

My favorite book on writing—probably because it was the book that generated my first sale—is Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling writer. Literally every few pages, beginning at chapter two, he would raise a point that made my slap my forehead and say, "Oh my god, why didn't I see that myself?" Then, I'd go and edit the novels I'd already written to fix that point. My reasoning was that by using it, rather than just saying, "I see." I made it mine and wouldn't forget seeing it in a week. This happened so _many_ times as I read, and made me feel so damn stupid, that I gave thought to stopping, and coming back to the book later. Luckily, good sense prevailed, and I went on—and sold the next thing I queried (Samantha and the Bear).

For a high level preview of his teachings, invest $5.95 and download the audio files of his all day workshops on writing fiction and developing characters. They're boildowns that take about an hour each, and even after having read his book, I was moved the call him a genius more than a few times as I listened. They're worth the money for his asides on publishers and editors, and learning how to kill someone with a doorknob.

Writing fiction seems simple enough: storytelling on the page. And since we use our storytelling skills every time someone says, "So how was your weekend?" it would seem a no brainer.

If only.

You've certainly demonstrated the perseverance, the desire, and more. You even have the story. So to frame that art as it deserves to be framed, doesn't it make sense to take a bit of time to make yourself a _knowledgeable_ writer as well as a dedicated one?

On another site, one of the members who battled with me over the necessity of learning the specialized tricks of the trade decided that he would show me how useless my suggestion was, so he picked up a copy of Dwight Swain's book and started reading, with the idea of pointing out where it was bullshit.

He was surprised. So was I when he thanked me on the dedication page of his rewritten novel when it sold. 

*“*Michaelangelo did not have a college degree, nor did Leonardo da Vinci. Thomas Edison didn't. Neither did Mark Twain (though he was granted honorary degrees in later life.) All of these people were professionals. None of them were experts. Get your education from professionals, and always avoid experts.”
~ Holly Lisle


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 1, 2017)

Blueprint Your Bestseller: Organize and Revise Any Manuscript with the Book Architecture Method.
Stuart Horwitz.
Heres a book on how to start a scene not taught in school from someone from Harvard. It taught me today how to make more emotional characters. That is how you make a scene from scratch. The second one of his architecture haven't read it but own. He suggests to write a lot and gives you the tools on how to emotional involve the reader. Highly recommended. He has a sequel to the book I mentioned in this post.

Chessy name but well worth it. Also his wife is a psychologist. Best book I own. ( no fancy terminology)

Remember it is strictly for emotion and I have aspergers plus another condition so feeling suffering is something hard to explain and brings conflict. It is an important thing that writers feel.


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## Cran (Jun 2, 2017)

Your opening par that most sticks in my head: 
flaming pitchforks in NERF and bubble-wrap (whew! what a blinding stink!). 


Shows promise. 

Don't get hung up on the first step. Horizons await. Get on with the journey already!


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