# East to Eden



## Firemajic (Jun 7, 2016)

_*I was searching for a peaceful place
a quest I could not ignore
the Kingfisher said I would find it
on Nirvana's distant shore
early morning we set sail
across the Aegean sea
embarking on an epic quest
the Kingfisher, Puff and me

The Kingfisher promised halcyon days
across water calm and blue
but on the evening of the seventh day
a storm began to brew
deadly waves and dangerous tides
swept across the Aegean sea
but we refused to turn back
the Kingfisher, Puff and me

I saw Nirvana in the distance
a blazing fiery shore
dreams burning in the darkness
destroyed by a raging war
our ship was going under
sacrificed to the Aegean sea
we were all going to perish
the Kingfisher, Puff and me

We went down with the ship
the water is our grave
grey cinders of Nirvana 
dance on the restless waves
peace was a dark deception
across the Aegean sea
a lie that cost us our lives
the Kingfisher, Puff and me

*_


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## CJL4307 (Jun 7, 2016)

Wow! I deeply enjoyed this poem you have arranged. I truly felt like I was there on the ship.  I can't help but relate the imagery to reality where the "shore" we seek, may not appear like we thought it might. One can only hope. Thanks for a fun, deep, and thought provoking piece!  


Firemajic said:


> _*grey cinders of Nirvana
> dance on the restless waves*_



Easily one of my favorite lines.


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## escorial (Jun 8, 2016)

I've always enjoyed the plethora of subjects your poetry covers...this one had the feel of being one of those classics....cool


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## Sonata (Jun 8, 2016)

Your poem "spoke" to me in pictures, not just words.  Thank you.


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## Phil Istine (Jun 8, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*I was searching for a peaceful place
> a quest I could not ignore
> the Kingfisher said I would find it
> on Nirvana's distant shore
> ...



I did enjoy reading this.  I tried it out loud as I find it easier to measure the flow of a piece when verbalising it.
There are a couple of minor nits (for me) where the flow is a little bumpy and where there is a tense issue.

L1 St2.  I'm wondering if this could be re-worked to exclude repeating 'The Kingfisher' as it felt like one too many due to it appearing on the last line of stanza 1.

L4 St 2.  I think 'begin' needs to be in past tense to match the rest of the poem.

The absence of punctuation threw me a bit as it looks like some commas and full stops need to be in there.  I appreciate that this might be detrimental to the flow, but when reading aloud, I did speak as if the punctuation was in place.

There were a couple of places where it felt like a syllable needed to be added or removed but, like many things poetic, this would be highly subjective.

Fantastic imagery.  I loved it.  Thank you.


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## Firemajic (Jun 8, 2016)

"The Kingfisher promised halcyon days across water calm and blue" .. Part of the legend of the Kingfisher... Sailors believed there would be 14 days of calm sea, while the Kingfisher sat on her floating nest... so they planned their voyages accordingly... The legend of the Kingfisher is one of my favorite stories...

CJL , you picked out my favorite lines, Thank you for your comments..

Escorial.. Thank you for reading, I appreciate..

Sonata, I am thrilled that you liked the imagery, thank you...

Phil... Thank you for taking the time to read and critique, this is an old poem that I dusted off... I agree that it needs some work, I will try to think of a way to fix the rhythm and make the corrections you suggested..

Thanks to everyone who "liked" this poem...


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## Darkkin (Jun 8, 2016)

This is really a lovely, if heartbreaking piece, Fire.  And I know what I've said before about consistent punctuation, but this is one of those pieces that would benefit from just a little bit.  Your refrain line:  The Kingfisher Puff and me.

As is, it is reading like the Kingfisher is named Puff.  Not what you were intending, I assume.  This is one of those places where the dratted Oxford comma more than proves its worth.  e.g. The Kingfisher, Puff, and me.  It clarifies not only numbers, but identities, as well.


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## Nellie (Jun 8, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Thank you for taking the time to read and critique, this is an old poem that I dusted off...



I thought it seemed familiar. Thanks for reminding me of the good read.


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## 20oz (Jun 8, 2016)

Now that was frickin' good. :champagne:


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 8, 2016)

_*"I saw Nirvana in the distance
a blazing fiery shore
dreams burning in the darkness
destroyed by a raging war"

*_Brilliant stuff!

An outstanding read! Thanks for sharing!


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## Firemajic (Jun 8, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> This is really a lovely, if heartbreaking piece, Fire.  And I know what I've said before about consistent punctuation, but this is one of those pieces that would benefit from just a little bit.  Your refrain line:  The Kingfisher Puff and me.
> 
> As is, it is reading like the Kingfisher is named Puff.  Not what you were intending, I assume.  This is one of those places where the dratted Oxford comma more than proves its worth.  e.g. The Kingfisher, Puff, and me.  It clarifies not only numbers, but identities, as well.





Awwww... hell.. I HATE punctuation ... But I agree with you DarKKin. Can I get by with JUST commas..or not?


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## Darkkin (Jun 8, 2016)

As I said, Juls, this is an excellent piece, but have you thought reworking it just a little to incorporate a connection to your title, beyond the Steinbeck reference?  You use a lot of generalized locations.  Consider the perspective of the Kingfisher and Puff.  Where are they in relation to you on the ship and what are you seeing as you head east?  Draw the reader in just a little deeper into the details.

Edit:  Yes.  In this case I think you can, as that line functions as a refrain throughout the course of the stanzas.  The placement is consistent and serves to tether the reader.


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## Firemajic (Jun 8, 2016)

20oz said:


> Now that was frickin' good. :champagne:





LMAO.... yeah!! Thank you..

Nellie and Daniel... Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, it is sooo appreciated...


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## Phil Istine (Jun 9, 2016)

That comma in the refrain line helps things.  I was unclear about whether there was a Kingfisher called Puff or whether they were seperate characters.


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## 4xdblack (Jun 9, 2016)

I can't help but hear some heavy guitar licks in the background when reading this.. But then at the end of each paragraph, it almost reminds me of a child's storybook. Not in a bad way, as if your poem was childish. But rather that feeling you have, when your mother is gently reading you a story. And your imagination dances, you watch the story unfold before your very eyes. But then you are pulled out it by the single sentence prior to the pause, only to start the process over again.


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## Firemajic (Jun 9, 2016)

Phil Istine said:


> That comma in the refrain line helps things.  I was unclear about whether there was a Kingfisher called Puff or whether they were seperate characters.




LOL.... right ... I get it now.. I am still working on your suggestion to remove the Kingfisher from that stanza.... Thank you Phil..

4xdblack.... Thank you for your sublime comment, and I am thrilled that you picked up on the gentle, quiet voice I used... Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread!


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