# 04/14/08 - The "Apocalypse" Scores



## Hawke

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to *Chris Miller*, *Sam Winchester* and *Non Serviam *for judging this round. Twenty-four super entries was no easy feat. 

Also, a huge thank you to *Chris Miller* for helping with the excellent prompt, and to everyone who submitted. Well done, all. 



And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.


vangoghsear - 14.5, 16, 16, 17.5 = 64 - Average = 16.
Sabsz - 13, 13, 16, 17.5 = 59.5 - Average = 14.87
JosephB - 15, 15, 17, 17.5 = 64.5 - Average = 16.12
Wafti - 11.5, 12, 15, 16.5 = 55 - Average = 13.75
CodeRed - 16, 15, 18, 19 = 68 - Average = 17
Pete C - 13, 16, 17, 18 = 64 - Average= 16
Loulou - 15, 19, 19, 19 = 72 - Average = *18*
Itsaboysname - 13.5, 10, 16, 17 = 56.5 - Average = 14.12
Chris Miller - N/A - Judge
Tiamat10 - 16, 15, 16, 17 = 64 - Average = 16
A Vaulter’s Insanity - 11, 6, 10, 13 = 40 - Average = 10
Swamp Thing - 14, 16, 17, 15 = 62 - Average = 15.5
alanmt - 16, 15, 17, 17.5 = 65.5 - Average = 16.37
Remedy - 16, 14, 16, 16.5 = 62.5 - Average = 15.62
LolliAdverbs - 15, 15, 16, 19 = 65 - Average = 16.25
smilinghelps - 16, 12, 16, 16 = 60 - Average = 15
The Duke - 17, 14, 16, 17.5 = 64.5- Average = 16.12
Charlie Eleanor - 10.5, 14, 16, 19 = 59.5 - Average = 14.87
eggo - 18, 18, 19, 17 = 72 - Average = *18*
adrianhayter - 17, 16, 17, 19 = 69 - Average = *17.25*
IrishLad - 19, 15, 16, 18.5 = 68.5 - Average = 17.12
Raging Hopeful - 16, 16, 17, 17.5 = 66.5 - Average = 16.62
Seigfried007 - 15.5, 14, 16, 17.5 = 63 - Average = 15.75
Foxee - 17, 16, 18, 19 = 70 - Average = *17.5*


*First place: *We have a tie between Loulou and eggo!

*Second place: *Foxee!

*Third place: *adrianhayter!


Congratulations! 

Note: My apologies for the formatting and restructuring. For some reason it was a real struggle this time. Completely my fault of course. Please let me know asap if there are any errors or ommisions. Thank you.


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## Hawke

_*Sam Winchester's Scores*_​ 

Title: *Chapter Six*
Author: Vangoghsear​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I liked this. Well written, interesting, nice, tight dialogue, but the ending just threw me. I felt as though the suicide thing was supposed to be a cliffhanger, but I really didn't get it. 
Score: *14.5/20*​ 

[/FONT][/FONT]
Title: *The Dollhouse* 
Author: Sabsz​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Never really got into this. A slight overuse of repetition and certain ambiguities in the story hindered your piece. 
Score: *13/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Joyride* 
Author: JosephB​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]An interesting piece, and a twist I didn't see coming at the end. However, lack of prose detracted from the story. 
Score: *15/20*​[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Daddy*
Author: Watfi​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The story confused the hell out of me. In the first sentence you _tell _me Adrianna dies. Then in the next sentence you tell me she hasn't. From thereon in, I had to go back and read everything twice. Good ending, but the buildup to that point isn't the best. 
Score: *11.5/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Every Man Wants To Write A Book*
Author: CodeRed​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I thought this was an interesting read. I got a picture of David Icke as Mr Jazz! But I enjoyed it, and I thought you fleshed the characters out well in such a short story. 
Score:* 16/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Nearly Paradise*
Author: Pete C​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]A lot of telling and repetition makes the story hard to enjoy. The character of Bob is almost one-dimensional. We don't learn anything about him. The ending I didn't quite understand, either. 
Score: *13/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Up the Apocalypse 13*
Author: Loulou​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]A quite humorous little piece which I enjoyed, but which was marred slighty by a few grammatical errors. Overall, an enjoyable read. 
Score: *15/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title:* Whimpers *
Author: Itsaboysname​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]A lot of telling, and a tense change at the second paragraph which threw me for a second. I never really pictured what was happening. I also think your story suffered slightly because it was very short. It's hard to write a 500 word story, but yours was significantly less, and I don't think that helped.
Score: *13.5/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Until Nothing Human Remains*
Author: Chris Miller​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I truly loved this piece. Funny, well written, and terrifically entertaining. For me, a sure winner except for the fact that you are a judge. Bummer! 
Score: *N/A*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *They Never Saw The Sky* 
Author: Tiamat10​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I loved the first sentence. It hooked me in brilliantly. Sadly, as it went on, that faded away. The ending, though, was just as good as the beginning. 
Score: *16/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Her Perfect Shape*
Author: A Vaulter's Insanity​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Too many grammatical errors for such a short piece. I never got the ending, even after numerous reads. Because of the shortness, it never really started for me. 
Score: *11/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Four nags of the Apocalypse*
Author: Swamp Thing​Never truly understood what was happening in the story. In a way it was funny, but I doubt it was supposed to be. 
Score: *14/20*​ 

Title: *Like A Cookie*
Author: alanmt​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I like the way this piece started off slowly and then built up to the ending. Nicely done. A few passive sentences, but overall it was interesting and written good. 
Score: *16/20*​[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Drink This Blood and Remember Me*
Author: Remedy​I really enjoyed this piece. A few problems with tense change, but overall very good. 
Score: *16/20*​ 


Title: *Customer Service*
Author: Lolli Adverbs.​Grammar and voice was almost perfect, but I never got into the story, or _got _it, for that matter either. It's all right having the grammar right, but the story has to draw me in, and unfortunately this one didn't. 
Score: *15/20*​ 


Title: *Up, Up and Away*​[FONT=&quot]Author: Smilinghelps
A few grammatical problems here and there, but this story truly hooked me. I think if you had left their fate undetermined at the end, it would have been better. Nevertheless, a good story. 
Score: *16/20*
[/FONT]


Title: *The Committee for the Organisation of Climate Control*​Author: The Duke
Interesting read, with a comical edge to it. Nicely done. 
Score: *17/20* 


[FONT=&quot]Title:* Last Passage of The True Messiah*
[/FONT]Author: Charlie Eleanor
I really didn't get the point of this. Gratuitous vulgarities are not all there is to story-writing. This piece had no draw, and to be quite honest, if not for the judging I wouldn't have finished reading it.
Score: *10.5/20* 


Title: *The Neverending End*​[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Author: Eggo
[FONT=&quot]I laughed quite a bit during this one, and I thought the ending was genius. 
Score: *18/20*


[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]Title: *The Dog Catcher in Winter*
Author: Adrian Hayter
[FONT=&quot]Nice, tight piece of writing, and an intriguing main character. Interesting enough to make me want to know what happens next. 
Score: *17/20* 


[/FONT]Title: *A Voyage of Discovery*
Author: Irishlad
[FONT=&quot]Excellent piece. Honestly, I couldn't take my eyes off the page. And the ending was genius. My winner. 
Score: *19/20*[/FONT]


Title:* Death From Above*
Author: Raging_Hopeful
I liked this piece. The unexpectedness of finding out they were ants was brilliant. Very nice premise, and well written. 
Score: *16/20*


Title: *Cigarettes, Cards, and Angels*
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Author: Seigfried007
[FONT=&quot]A well written story, but I just never got the jist, nor was I drawn in. 
Score: *15.5/20* 
[/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT]


Title: *Viva Las Vegas*​Author: Foxee
[FONT=&quot]I kept waiting for the huge twist at the end, and when it came, unfortunately it wasn't what I'd expected. A good read, though. 
Score: *17/20*[/FONT]


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## Hawke

*Non Serviam's Scores*


*Vangoghsear* -- The Sixth Chapter

One of my favourite pieces in this competition. Enjoyed it thoroughly. 16/20.

*Sabsz* -- The Dollhouse

A competently-written piece that's not bad on its own merits, just overshadowed by some of the others; keep trying! 13/20.

*JosephB* -- Joyride

I'm not normally a big fan of talking heads, but I found the dialogue snappy and engaging. Liked the approach to the subject. 15/20.

*Wafti* -- Daddy

Another piece that isn't bad on its own merits. I'd give it thirteen, but I've deducted one for "he was lain out in his bed", so 12/20.

*Code Red* -- Every Man Wants to Write a Book

Well-written, entertaining, extra marks for the Assyrian tablet that gave good perspective on the piece, so 15/20.

*PeteC* -- Nearly Paradise

Light, vivid prose and I liked the conceit; this piece didn't take itself too seriously. One bonus mark for the final line as well, which brought a wry smile, so 16/20.

*Loulou* -- Up the Apocalypse

I've resisted a violent urge to give this top marks. I'm sure there's _something_ wrong with it in some way, so I'm going to be a meanie and award a mere 19/20.

*Itsaboysname* -- Whimpers

I didn't get into this at all. It might've suffered by being sandwiched between Loulou and Chris Miller; and I cordially loathe present tense writing as well, so I was never going to like it. 10/20.

*Chris Miller* -- Until Nothing Human Remains

Not scored cos Chris is a judge. I'm not sure it's possible to follow "Up the Apocalypse", Chris, though well done for trying. *wink*

*Tiamat10* -- They Never Saw The Sky

Nicely-executed, but perhaps a little less original than some of the other entries. 15/20 because I enjoyed it anyway.

*A Vaulter's Insanity* -- Her Perfect Shape

Not much effort went into this, did it? 

After further deductions for not using any paragraph breaks whatsoever, for "these thought to be going through his head", and "her descent straight down shifted towards him", I'm giving this 6/20.

*Swamp Thing* -- Four Nags of the Apocalypse

One of my favourite pieces from this competition. I'm awarding 16/20, with a note that it would've been 17/20 if you could spell "pus". :wink:

*alanmt* -- Like a Cookie

Competently-written, entertaining, slightly perplexing (in that I read it and thought, "wtf?" and then re-read it to figure out what was going on). 15/20.

*Remedy* -- Drink This Blood and Remember Me

Nice prose. Seemed a bit light on characterisation. If there'd been a character I could identify with, this'd have been a 15 or 16, but I'm calling it 14/20.

*Lolliadverbs* -- Customer Service

Liked the conceit, and a bonus mark for making me smile wryly several times. 15/20.

*Smilinghelps* -- Up, Up and Away

That dratted present tense writing again :sad: I'm cutting another mark cos of dialogue punctuation too, so 12/20.

*The Duke* -- The Committee for the Organization of Climate Control

Tolerably good prose, quite witty, lacked immediacy for me because there were no characters. I'm giving a bonus mark for being a such a serious attempt to write _about_ the Apocalypse, so 14/20.

*Charlie Eleanor* -- The True Messiah

Second person future tense, a bold choice! Nice writing, graphic, vivid, and I'm not just talking about the swear-words. I'm deducting a mark for misspelling "bellies", though, so 14/20.

*Eggo* -- The Neverending End

This was excellent, and two whole bonus marks for God looking so completely unlike Al Gore. :wink: I think this was second only to Loulou's submission, so I'm awarding 18/20.

*AdrianHayter* -- The Dog Catcher in Winter

Nice conceit, well-expressed in clear sharp prose. There's a primal savagery to it. 16/20.

*IrishLad* -- A Voyage of Discovery

It was a pun! The end... of the world... *groans*

Quite enjoyed the piece nonetheless, so 15/20. :smile:

*Raging Hopeful* -- Death From Above

I don't believe I've read a story from an ant's viewpoint before, so I'll give a bonus mark for a novel approach in addition to the ones I'd give for smooth prose and dramatic tension. 16/20.

*siegfried2007* -- Cigarettes, Cards and Angels

I quite enjoyed this, though you're right to say it didn't make much sense. 14/20.

*Foxee* -- Viva Las Vegas

I like the style--light, but punchy and packed with content. You get an awful lot of story into a very small word-count. Enjoyed it thoroughly, well done! 16/20.


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## Hawke

*Chris Miller's Scores*

I read them all through just to see how they’d stick, and was impressed. Considerable diversity in a strong field. Now I’m going to read through and score. I can’t stress enough how subjective these scores are going to be, how little they really mean.

Scores:

vangoghsear’s ‘The Sixth Chapter’ – 17.5

Some interesting ‘facts’ and research. Written in the accessible style of popular sci-fi. Characters transparently carry the information, but never attain much life of their own. Could probably be expanded into something publishable.


Sabz’s ‘The Doll House’ – 17.5

Fine idea. Fanciful and very well written. Liked the voice and rhythm. The flames and shaking, the doll not speaking, the ‘One, two three’ motif all pose questions for me. I’m guessing this is a little girl rescuing the MC from her dollhouse because the real house is burning. But it’s a little vague. I’m probably the last person to say, make a little clearer what’s really going on. But if you did you could probably sell it.


JosephB’s ‘Joyride’ – 17.5

Hah, a couple space punks blow up Earth the way I used to shoot bugs with my BB gun. Cute and well done. Felt like a few too many liberties were taken with the translation to English from whatever alien language they really spoke. Right down to ‘beer’ and ‘cigarettes’ and the hic grammar. But I guess you had to do this to keep the ending a surprise. 


Wafti’s ‘Daddy’ – 16.5

Problems with quote tag punctuation and typos. I like the presentation, the form. I think I like the idea of listening to the narrative on a machine, although the POV doesn’t seem to fit the vehicle. The story is vague to me and probably warrants multiple reads to understand, but the careless punctuation sort of deters this. Very hard to score. 


CodeRed’s ‘Every Man Wants to Write a Book’ – 19

Pretty interesting. Well written. Solid dialogue. The characters emerge. Nice writerly setting, solid application of the prompt. Love the research. It’s too bad the context of the title couldn’t present in the story. Absolutely love it. Changed the way I think about writing.


Pete C’s ‘Nearly Paradise’ – 18

Really enjoyed the story, the build up. Like a fable, but sharper. The whole time I’m reading, I’m thinking, how can it possibly deliver on its promise? I was keen to see. But then, to me, it didn’t. It ended a little like a lame internet joke. I mean, hell, they’ll recycle the shit into fast food; they’ll use it to farm; as an energy source. But I still really enjoyed the trip, the scene and build-up. And this trumps the overarching idea every time for me. Nice job.


Loulou’s ‘Up The Apocolypse 13’ – 19

Simple, but deceptively deep and real. And funny too. I’m a big fan of letters as vehicles for stories (epistolary forms) because of the authenticity portrayed. It’s hard to score this objectively because of all my biases in its favor: form, voice, porn, humor, fretting over appliances right to the end… Lots below the surface, yet easy to understand and get into.


Itsaboysname’s ‘Whimpers’ – 17

Poignant. The poetic motif of ‘The world falls to ash around us,’ is employed very effectively. You had more room to flesh out the big picture. Some of these pieces seem to use the characters to convey the apocalyptic scenario. You’ve gone the opposite way. Beautiful, but I’m left wanting a bit more in the way of ‘explanation.’ No clue how you came up with the title. Did you mean ‘Whispers’?


Chris Miller’s ‘Until Nothing Human Remains’ – 0

Oh sure, piggyback on Loulou’s entry to sneak around the word count limitation. Also, someone should revoke your xtube membership.


Tiamat10’s ‘They Never Saw the Sky’ – 17

Has the feel of something improvised more than composed. Starts out with an idea, and sees where it goes. This is not a bad thing. The imagery and language is nice, but the inconsistencies and loose ends hurt it for me. Like his blackness (and a PC theme) is raised, but never revisited. Like no one goes outside… but then he does, and regularly. And sees some celestial object approaching with his naked eye and, from library books, knows it spells the end. Even the ‘they’ is kind of a promise undelivered. This is not a piece of hyperbole or mystical symbolism. To me it’s hardcore sci-fi and so demands a bit more consistency and credibility.


A Vaulter’s Insanity’s ‘Her Perfect Shape’ – 13

Inconsistent POV. Flips between his and hers. Some lazy clichés like ‘a million miles per hour.’ Careless editing. Groaner ending, though I confess to being biased against stories based on video games. Too off the cuff. Could’ve worked with more effort maybe… Tetris as a metaphor for finding the perfect shape and fit.


Swamp Thing’s ‘Four Nags of the Apocalypse’ – 15

Flat beginning.

*Daisy stuck her head out of the stall and peered around. Zephyr’s auburn face peered out from under her braided mane. “What’s up, Zeph?”*

Double use of ‘peered’ and knee-jerk dialogue really hurt this for me. 

Has the ring of a children’s story at times. Shifts into gear with some humor midway. Some clever gags, but still seems to lack focus. A fable without a moral.


alanmt’s ‘Like a Cookie’ – 17.5

A pretty surprise ending that I imagine was a bit of a surprise for the author too. It seems to start in one genre and finish in another. Like one moment we’re dealing with a ‘spot of emotional hurt’ tearing open inside him. And the next minute we see his kids fly off into space and the world come apart. In a way I like the contrast of all these touching little nostalgias and sentiments with gravity’s end, and in a way it’s kind of a WTF moment. As though you wrote what was important for you to write, and then destroyed the Earth to satisfy the theme. Some nice imagery in any case.


Remedy’s ‘Drink this Blood and Remember Me’ – 16.5

Nice title. Some tense and credibility problems. No bread in a small farming town? No butter, just cows? Eggs, but no chickens? But all in all a pretty valiant effort by a new, and I suspect young, writer with a poetic bent. Some great ideas and images. Just mired in grammar and voice difficulties.


LolliAdverbs’ ‘Customer Service’ – 19

Love it! Funny. Sharp. Irreverent and philosophical. Love the MC’s voice. Was going to quote some bit I was particularly fond of but then couldn’t choose. Maybe:

*The Mormons do not have it better, sir. They are here, just like you, and they are equally disappointed.*

In fact I’d probably end with this. The next line reduces it to more of a joke than it deserves.


smilinghelps’ ‘Up, Up and Away’ – 16

Quote tag punctuation wrong in first sentence, and elsewhere. Otherwise no problems technically. Bit clichéd of a concept. I’d like to have known more about what was going on. I know the word count constricts. But maybe some of the more banal description could have been sacrificed in the interests of a slightly bigger picture, like news feeds. Some clever dialogue re the snack. So not bad, but has more the pace of a longer story, even a novel. The ending feels abrupt. Like I’d barely got to know everyone.


The Duke’s ‘The Committee for the Organization of Climate Control’ – 17.5

Reads a bit like Douglas Adams. Funny. Lots of satire spread around. Always love a happy ending too. The voice of the narrator strikes me as a little Monty Python too.



Charlie Elanor’s ‘The True Messiah’ – 19

This one stuck with me the most on first pass. Strong voiced. I’m undoubtedly biased, but I found it really interesting. Religion, like porn, is kind of self-parodizing. So even though the piece takes itself dead serious, it still feels like parody. But I’m not 100 percent sure, which is what I like best about it. Very brave work. Nowhere, even in the Old Testament, do we see God as perfectly and utterly pissed and personal as in your 2nd last paragraph. Love the bladed cocks and the monkey bar hangings. You’ve given me a better feel for fear’s place in religion.


eggo’s ‘The Neverending End’ – 17

Some righteous gags and some groaners. A tad wordy at the start maybe. Left me fishing for the message, but not all in a bad way. A lobotomized existentialist’s nightmare. 

*“Thanks,” I said and handed him the pretzel bowl.*
Funny.

excepted=accepted

*I decide to leave as fast as I could…*
decided



adrianhayter’s ‘The Dog Catcher in Winter’ – 19

Love the title. Very nice little sci-fi. Nice the way you work the theme in at the end. The whole thing is really poetic and evocative, and creepy. You took a chance and it paid off I think. Really enjoyed the read. This one will stay with me.

*…and breathe freezing in the air.*
breath



IrishLad’s ‘A Voyage of Discovery’ – 18.5

Well written. And an original approach to the theme. Love the alternate history angle, and historical research. Surprise endings are tough in themed comps like this, but you pulled it off. I think there are people who still believe the Earth is flat. I myself doubt we ever landed on the moon. Anyway, solid little history/fantasy yarn. Got me thinking.



Raging Hopeful’s ‘Death from Above’ – 17.5

Ha! I figured out about half way through what was happening. Made me feel smart. Nice insect factoids worked in. 

*A boulder. I hid behind it even though I could have lifted it above my head.*
This is funny. Like, ‘A pencil. I wrote my name with it even though I could have broken it in half.’

We have a carpenter ant infestation, and you’ve almost got me rooting for the little suckers.


seigfried007’s ‘Cigarettes, Cards and Angels’ – 17.5

Well written. Liked the deities. A little blunt with the philosophy, but some nice metaphor.

*how many finger am I holding up*
one?
fingers


Foxee’s ‘Viva Las Vegas’ – 19

My pick for best prose. Tight grammar. Sharp voice. Lots of allusion and metaphor. Philosophical, but obtuse and deep enough to be interesting. Read it a couple times. Still feel like I’m missing stuff that’s there to miss. I enjoy that. 

*Absolute, velvety black. The kind of black made up of all of the things that aren’t there.*
If I had to pick my favorite sentence…


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## Hawke

*Hawke's Scores*


The Sixth Chapter by vangohsear - 16

Quite thought provoking, this. I still remember the panic over Nostradamus’ predictions, and now, the Mayan predictions (2012). We all want to know the future, don’t we. Ah, but only if the news is good. Good read. Thank you.


The Dollhouse by Sabsz - 16

This reminded me of the movie _Toy Story_. Neat and creepy too. I liked it. A good read, this. Thank you.


Joyride by JosephB - 17

Good ol’ boys from Planet X out on a joyride through the “back woods.” I really didn’t see the alien thing coming until the end (which, of course, was the idea, no doubt). Now that was fun. Loved it. Thank you muchly. 


Daddy by Wafti - 15

Nit: bedsheets = bed sheets
Very sad. Very good. Quote tag problems. Still, it worked for me. Oh. And you went over the word count, but I think that had to do with the beeps and such. Thank you. 


Every Man Wants To Write A Book by CodeRed - 18

Nits: coulour’s = color’s or colour’s 
You know, this was a nice piece of writing. I liked your tone, your voice. Kind of wish I could have gotten into the characters more of course—that’s the problem with 500 word count limits. But still, it was a good write. Thank you. 


Nearly Paradise by Pete C - 17

Nits: The covered = They covered
Certainly imaginative. Crazy how one’s mind works as they read, isn’t it? Like the first thing I wondered when I read that they’d paved everything was, _Where would the air come from? _And when they’d flattened the mountains and covered the skies: _Where would the water from? _Etc., etc_. _And after all that, you pointed out shit, and I burst out laughing. Nice! Not sure all the things here are feasible as written, but if things keep going the way they are, humans might find out someday. Good read. Thank you. 


Up The Apocalypse 13 by Loulou - 19

Laughed my ass off. Not literally, of course, but… well, you know. To go on like that, telling a complete stranger an abbreviated version of her life story, mom, hubby and all… now that’s a woman who really needs a life. Or was born too late for the neighbor-over-the-fence-chats and such. Innocent. Hilarious. I like the woman. I certainly feel for her. A broken TV in most households would indeed be the end of life as we know it. Really good work here. Thank you. 


Whimpers by Itsaboysname - 16

A surreal quality to this; almost dreamlike with nightmare opposites dotting the mix. It left me a little confused though. Not sure if it was real or imagined, a worried mind or a true disaster. Maybe a little more clarity. Thank you. 


Until Nothing Human Remains by Chris Miller - N/A - Judge

A hilarious answer to Loulou’s letter. I loved it. If you two ever decide to collaborate on a project, I’ll pay to read it. Thank you.


They Never Saw the Sky by Tiamat10 - 16

Very bleak future, this. Hope turns into hopelessness. A haunting read. Thank you. 


Her Perfect Shape by A Vaulter’s Insanity - 10

Could be formatted better, just to say. I’m not familiar with a Tetris pad either, so I’ll have to guess and say it’s a game of some sort. A big problem with an author assuming the reader will know what they’re taking about, without any touches of filler (explanation) in case they don’t, is that the story could be lost on the reader. It was; this story was lost on me. Sorry. Wish you’d used the left over 291 words. Thank you though. 


Four Nags of the Apocalypse by Swamp Thing - 17

Nits: puss = pus; … Toby and Daisy, “this is such…” = … Toby and Daisy, “This…”
Soap on a rope and Happy Meal coupons. Yep, that really was a hoot! Good job. Thank you.


Like a Cookie by alanmt - 17

If the earth has to go, I hope it does in as nice and quiet a way as happens here. Super work. Thank you.


Drink this Blood and Remember Me by Remedy - 16 

Nits: The first sentence was confusing as it implies that small farming towns have no bread or butter, which, of course, they do. “many television” = many televisions. 
Had a sort of _Children of The Corn _feel, this. Certainly not impossible that the earth could turn on us someday, we having done such a bang-up job of looking after her and all. Good work. Thank you. 


Customer Service by LolliAdverbs - 16

Nits: heaven were = heaven was; _that your refrained = you_; _make brothel = make a brothel_
To me, this work started out strong but ended unfinished. Like there should be more, but I’m not at all sure what. Thank you. 


Up, Up and Away by smiling helps - 16

Nits: “…complete.” Alex says, handing = “…complete,” Alex says, handing; 
I always figured astronauts would be completely screwed if something happened up there. Didn’t think about what they’d do if something happened down here though. Good work. Thank you.


The Committee for the Organization of Climate Control by The Duke - 16

A good go with this. Characters would have drew me in more and made me care. Just a thought. Nice work. Thank you.


The True Messiah by Charlie Eleanor - 16

Umm… okay. Not to make a pun here, but it sorta sounds like a letter from my neighbor down the way… if my neighbor wrote me a letter that is, and not hugged and blessed me in the mall before walking away singing hymns at the top of her voice. Ah, but she does that to everybody. Good write. Scary too in a way. Just off beat enough that if true, no one would listen to it. Thank you.


The Neverending End by eggo - 19 

What can I say? It’s sick (means excellent). Laughed my ass off. Again. Thank you muchly.


The Dog Catcher in Winter by adrianhayter - 17

Nits: breathe = breath; She howled (in) a language; … him!” She = …him!” she; mercifully. = mercifully.” 

I enjoyed this. Nice work here, and the twist was great. Thank you. 


A Voyage of Discovery by Irish Lad - 16

That was a fun read. Super end-of-the-world twist on the flat earth idea. (It’s round. Just saying. *grin*) Thank you. 


Death from Above by Raging Hopeful - 17 

Well darn! I knew it was ants as soon as I read the drooping antenna part. I couldn’t get the movie _Antz_ out of my head after that either. Still, it was a good read. Thank you.


Cigarettes, Cards, and Angels by seigfried007 - 16

Nits: lips and he = lips as he
How strange that a Mystic had to ask for cards, or that he played at all when he should’ve known he’d get a lousy hand. Ah, but maybe that’s just me. Thank you. 


Viva Las Vegas by Foxee - 18

I really liked this. Very imaginative and creative. Good write, good read and good job. Thank you. 

__________________________________


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## Remedy

Congratulations to Loulou, eggo, Foxee, and adrianhayter. A job very well done. 

Thanks, judges, for the comments and critiques. I appreciate it. 

Mr. Miller, I'm actually not new to writing.  I just managed to screw up every good story I had by over-analyzing, and thus banged this one out within half an hour so as not to forget and miss entering within the time limit. To be honest, I'm surprised I did as well as I did. 

Thanks and congratulations again.


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## Swamp Thing

Congrats to the winners, can't wait to read the stories.  Thanks to the judges, especially given the downtime.


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## CodeRed

Congrats to Loulou, eggo, Foxee, and adrianhayter!

Many thanks for the judges, also, for the time taken and comments.


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## Tiamat

Congratulations to Loulou, eggo, Foxee, and adrianhayter!  Well done everyone.  This was such a fun challenge.  

And thanks are in order for the judges as well.  Twenty-four entries for you guys (and gals).  Whew!


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## Foxee

Thank you Sam, NS, Chris, and Hawke! That was a BIG job with so many entries. I always appreciate that the judges comment on each and every story.

Congrats to Loulou, eggo, and adrianhayter for jobs well done and to all of the entrants for getting something written and trimmed down to the word count by deadline. That in itself is an achievement.

I'm just grateful if anyone understood my story at all...I had to rip out so many ideas to get it under the word count. It's a very frustrated story in that it tries to tell so much in so little. I may have to rewrite it.


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## Itsaboysname

Yay. Thanks all. To judges and fellow participants. Congrats to the winners.

And side note to Chris Miller: I was trying to shoot for a T.S. Eliot reference.


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## IrishLad

A special thank you to all the judges.  That was a lot of work, and I'm sure it was none too easy.

*Note*  In my piece I did find one typo that didn't get caught:  other's = others, so I'll voluntarily deduct another point.  :-$

Congratulations to the winners!  Well done, and good reading.

Cheers!


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## smilinghelps

Congratulations LouLou, eggo, Adrianhayter and Foxee!  So many great entries this round!  It was great fun.

Thank you to all of the judges, this was a huge task and you all took your time with every entry.  Thanks!


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## Wafti

Congratulations to the winners, and my thanks to the judges. Great fun.


Please dont take the following as petty, I just have to respond to criticism (which I thankfully receive).


> "In the first sentence you _tell _me Adrianna dies. Then in the next sentence you tell me she hasn't. From thereon in, I had to go back and read everything twice."


I'm sorry this confused you but it was rather the point of the piece; the fact that this little girl, Adrianna, brought up on a childhood of fantasy and delusion couldn't grasp where one world began and, specifically, another ended.





> "he was lain out in his bed",


Sorry, what was the problem with this part??


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## Non Serviam

He was laid out on his bed.


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## JosephB

Fun, fun, fun!

Thanks to all judges, and congrats Loulou, eggo, Foxee, and adrianhayter. Can't wait for the next one!


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## Chris Miller

That's a tricky one.  I thought Wafti was right at first.  But 'lain' is a conjugation of the verb 'to lie'  not 'to lay'  - And since something is being acted on (and not just lying there) the verb is 'to lay.'  Whew.


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## Wafti

Oh right, cool. Thanks for that. Hmm... I wonder how many other errors I have made and not realised because they sound ok.


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## Sam

Wafti said:


> Congratulations to the winners, and my thanks to the judges. Great fun.
> 
> 
> Please dont take the following as petty, I just have to respond to criticism (which I thankfully receive).
> 
> I'm sorry this confused you but it was rather the point of the piece; the fact that this little girl, Adrianna, brought up on a childhood of fantasy and delusion couldn't grasp where one world began and, specifically, another ended.



Okay, but I didn't infer that from the story. I'm sorry if you don't understand this, but the score I gave was based on my own personal opinion. It was not influenced by others'. I truly didn't enjoy the story. I thought the end was rather good, if that's any consolation. The passage to that point was just confusing. 

Sam.


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## A Vaulter's Insanity

Woohoo! overall worst score! Now THATS an accomplishment. 

haha. Not that I didnt expect it. I wrote in literally two minutes and i dont think I edited or anything. I was kind of in a hurry and didnt really care. Maybe next contest ill actaully try.


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## eggo

Thanks judges!

Humor can be, as Chris said, a complete set of groaners or funny. I'm glad I was able to write a few that you all could like.

Great prompt.

Congrats to Lou, Foxee and adrian for winning. There was some really good ideas here and not just the same old tired theme again and again. 

So great job for every entrant for putting some thought behind their stories.


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## LolliAdverbs

Congratulations to the winners! And thanks to the judges. The entries were so varied, it must have been very difficult.

But now I have a grammar question -_-;;. "If" requires the past conditionnel form of a verb, which in the case of "was" is "were" right? But is "as if it was heaven" really the correct form?

Grammar is important to me (not as important as story though  ), so I just want to clear this up. But if it doesn't, it doesn't.  I'm not complaining. I'm just happy such contests exist so we can all practice our writing and understand how to better it.


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## Sam

Depends on the context of the rest of the sentence. I can't tell from just that. It's also a matter of tense. Depending on the tense of the sentence, you can usually tell which is correct. Post all of the sentence. 

Sam.


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## Sam

Lolliadverbs said:
			
		

> The lines were longer than my six billion eyes could see, and there were people camped out for miles like heaven were the third trilogy of Star Wars.



I think this is the line you're referring to? Heaven in this context is singular, therefore the word needed is "was". 

Think of it this way: you can't say "the people was camped outside," can you? Because people is plural, therefore "were" is needed to make sense of the sentence. In the same way with heaven, because it is singular, you need "was". 

Hope this helps. 

Sam.


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## LolliAdverbs

You know what! This is embarassing!

"The world below was chaos, and high above God was watching it like it was a Super Bowl between the 1967 Greenbay Packers and the 1993 Dallas Cowboys."

That's the sentence I wrote. Turns out I was asking a question about nothing at all. I thought I had used the conditional. Sorry to even take up the slightest bit of time with that. 

Anyway, thanks!


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## Non Serviam

LolliAdverbs said:


> Congratulations to the winners! And thanks to the judges. The entries were so varied, it must have been very difficult.
> 
> But now I have a grammar question -_-;;. "If" requires the past conditionnel form of a verb, which in the case of "was" is "were" right? But is "as if it was heaven" really the correct form?



This is the subjunctive, not the conditional.  "I was in heaven", but "If I were in heaven" is technically correct, even though "I" is singular.  The "were" can indicate the subjunctive rather than the plural, see?

But it's not fictionally correct, which is where Hawke's coming from.    You see, there are some phrases where technically correct grammar rings false.

-- I phoned my girlfriend.  "Hi, Jenny, it's I.  How are you?"

Does that jar when you read it?  It's technically correct.

-- I phoned my girlfriend.  "Hi, Jenny, it's me.  How are you?"

That's technically wrong (because it uses "me" for the subject of the sentence--should be "I").  But fictionally correct.  Do you see?

The same principle applies to the subjunctive--and to "whom" (which is the dative form of "who").  It might be technically correct but, if you have an informal narrative style, it's fictionally wrong.  Nowadays we tend to use more colloquial phrasing, which means eschewing the subjunctive, whom, and so on.

You CAN use subjunctives and whom in your writing, but only if the rest of the piece is quite formal in tone, which this piece wasn't.

Make sense?


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## LolliAdverbs

Perfect sense.


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## Non Serviam

LolliAdverbs said:


> You know what! This is embarassing!
> 
> "The world below was chaos, and high above God was watching it like it was a Super Bowl between the 1967 Greenbay Packers and the 1993 Dallas Cowboys."
> 
> That's the sentence I wrote. Turns out I was asking a question about nothing at all. I thought I had used the conditional. Sorry to even take up the slightest bit of time with that.
> 
> Anyway, thanks!



No, it was a legitimate question.  You could have written:

High above, God watched as if it were a Superbowl blah blah blah

... and that would have been technically correct.


----------



## Sam

What's the rule on "whom," Serv? 

I hardly use it at all. I thought it was something to do with the objective case in a sentence, and so therefore should be used in object position in a sentence. 

Someone else told me that if the word "whomsoever" works in the sentence, then "whom" is okay to use. 

Not too sure on either of those. 

Sam.


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## Non Serviam

Sam Winchester said:


> What's the rule on "whom," Serv?
> 
> I hardly use it at all. I thought it was something to do with the objective case in a sentence, and so therefore should be used in object position in a sentence.



Shakespeare gets whom wrong, as does the King James Bible.    It's really complex.  Really really complex.  It goes right back to the roots of our language.

Modern English has basically three cases (nominative, objective, possessive) but whom doesn't really belong to any of them.  Middle English used to have four or five cases (nominative, accusative, genitive, dative-- and a vestigial vocative case transplanted from Greek, which only really survives in the word "O".  You still see the vocative in romantic poetry from time to time... "O Wordsworth, thou king among poets," style of thing).

Whom is another vestige of that time--so it's the grammatical equivalent of male nipples.  Something with no remaining purpose that's still there.  

It's the dative form of "who".

In theory "dative" means the indirect object of a sentence (where "accusative" means the direct object), so dative and accusative are sort of sub-categories of the objective as we now understand it.

In practice, the dative is almost always governed by prepositions.  So you might say that "whom" is what you use when you want to say "who" after a preposition.

What's a preposition?  It's a word from the following list:  _aboard, about, above, absent, across, after, against, along, alongside, amid, amidst, among, amongst, around, as, aslant, astride, at, athwart, atop, barring, before, behind, below, beneath, beside, besides, between, beyond, but, by, despite, down, during, except, failing, following, for, from, in, inside, into, like, minus, near, next, notwithstanding, of, off, on, onto, opposite, out, outside, over, past, per, plus, regarding, round, save, since, than, through, throughout, till, times, to, toward, towards, under, underneath, unlike, until, up, upon, via, with, within, without, worth_.

... and even that's not the whole rule because you can sometimes use "whom" for the subject of a sentence (a "nominative whom").  But, unless you're very sure you know what you're doing, don't.


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## Chris Miller

he/she/who versus him/her/whom - easy as pie (or is that pi?)

also:


> haha. Not that I didnt expect it. I wrote in literally two minutes and i dont think I edited or anything. I was kind of in a hurry and didnt really care. Maybe next contest ill actaully try.


I spent longer than that reading and scoring it.  I think maybe next contest, I'll actually just skip yours.  Thanks for the heads up.


----------



## alanmt

This was a great contest.  Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to the judges for their hard work and to all the entrants for the great stories!


----------



## Loulou

Yey, congrats to Eggo, Adrian and Foxee!  Exciting to be up there with you.  Thanks to the judges, for your discerning taste, your valiant efforts and for so readily accepting sexual bribes in exchange for good marks.  Eggo said he'll offer the same next time, plus extra, if you make him the _only_ winner.


----------



## Tiamat

Non Serviam said:


> Shakespeare gets whom wrong, as does the King James Bible.    It's really complex.  Really really complex.  It goes right back to the roots of our language.
> 
> Modern English has basically three cases (nominative, objective, possessive) but whom doesn't really belong to any of them.  Middle English used to have four or five cases (nominative, accusative, genitive, dative-- and a vestigial vocative case transplanted from Greek, which only really survives in the word "O".  You still see the vocative in romantic poetry from time to time... "O Wordsworth, thou king among poets," style of thing).
> 
> Whom is another vestige of that time--so it's the grammatical equivalent of male nipples.  Something with no remaining purpose that's still there.
> 
> It's the dative form of "who".
> 
> In theory "dative" means the indirect object of a sentence (where "accusative" means the direct object), so dative and accusative are sort of sub-categories of the objective as we now understand it.
> 
> In practice, the dative is almost always governed by prepositions.  So you might say that "whom" is what you use when you want to say "who" after a preposition.
> 
> What's a preposition?  It's a word from the following list:  _aboard, about, above, absent, across, after, against, along, alongside, amid, amidst, among, amongst, around, as, aslant, astride, at, athwart, atop, barring, before, behind, below, beneath, beside, besides, between, beyond, but, by, despite, down, during, except, failing, following, for, from, in, inside, into, like, minus, near, next, notwithstanding, of, off, on, onto, opposite, out, outside, over, past, per, plus, regarding, round, save, since, than, through, throughout, till, times, to, toward, towards, under, underneath, unlike, until, up, upon, via, with, within, without, worth_.
> 
> ... and even that's not the whole rule because you can sometimes use "whom" for the subject of a sentence (a "nominative whom").  But, unless you're very sure you know what you're doing, don't.



Just curious here.  The way I always thought of it is that if the 'who/whom' in question could be answered by a subject pronoun (he/she) than it's 'who' but if it could be answered by a object pronoun (him/her) than it's whom.

Like,  "Jason threw a book at James who dodged to his left."   Who dodged to his left?  HE did.

Or, "The man with whom I spoke was Frank."  Whom was I speaking with?  With HIM.

Is that an accurate way of doing it or have I been doing it wrong all these years?


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## vangoghsear

Thanks for the thoughtful comments judges, thanks administrators for all the work organizing, and thanks contributors for all the wonderful stories.

Congratulations to the winners.  Great work.

Loulou yours cracked me up.  I loved the nonchalant attitude; very funny.


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## alanmt

Loulou said:


> Thanks to the judges, for your discerning taste, your valiant efforts and for so readily accepting sexual bribes in exchange for good marks. Eggo said he'll offer the same next time, plus extra, if you make him the _only_ winner.


 
hahaha

And here I deliberately held back from flirting with Sam, so it wouldn't appear like I was trying to influence him!

:-o


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## Non Serviam

Tiamat10 said:


> Just curious here.  The way I always thought of it is that if the 'who/whom' in question could be answered by a subject pronoun (he/she) than it's 'who' but if it could be answered by a object pronoun (him/her) than it's whom.
> 
> Like,  "Jason threw a book at James who dodged to his left."   Who dodged to his left?  HE did.
> 
> Or, "The man with whom I spoke was Frank."  Whom was I speaking with?  With HIM.
> 
> Is that an accurate way of doing it or have I been doing it wrong all these years?



It's as accurate as almost anyone else's.

In the Ghostbusters tag line, should it be "Who you gonna call" or "Whom you gonna call?"  (NB:  There isn't a correct answer, there are arguments for both.  I'm asking your opinion, not setting a test.)


----------



## Foxee

I agree, alan, if I had just thought to try Loulou's tactic there could have been a three-way tie! Which just sounds kinda dirty now.


----------



## Tiamat

Non Serviam said:


> It's as accurate as almost anyone else's.
> 
> In the Ghostbusters tag line, should it be "Who you gonna call" or "Whom you gonna call?"  (NB:  There isn't a correct answer, there are arguments for both.  I'm asking your opinion, not setting a test.)


Based off my own rationale, I would say it's 'whom'.  But, hypocrite that I apparently am, I would never actually say whom when speaking (or writing).

That's some catch, that Catch-22.  :rabbit:


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## Non Serviam

Tiamat10 said:


> Based off my own rationale, I would say it's 'whom'.  But, hypocrite that I apparently am, I would never actually say whom when speaking (or writing).
> 
> That's some catch, that Catch-22.  :rabbit:



Yeah, I feel the same--and that's why I prefer my method, which lets me say "Who you gonna call?" and be consistent and grammatical.  

But you'll find grammar-blowhards that insist "Whom are you going to call?" is correct.


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## eggo

> Yey, congrats to Eggo, Adrian and Foxee! Exciting to be up there with you. Thanks to the judges, for your discerning taste, your valiant efforts and for so readily accepting sexual bribes in exchange for good marks. Eggo said he'll offer the same next time, plus extra, if you make him the _only_ winner.


 
It's very kind of you to offer sexual favors for higher scores for me Lou, but i'm glad to be not lonely at the top.


----------



## Truth-Teller

What is the next topic?

I might join in...


----------



## Sam

Truth-Teller said:


> What is the next topic?
> 
> I might join in...



Yeah, and pigs are growing wings as we speak.


----------



## Truth-Teller

Why so cynical?

Are you afraid that I'll write better than you?


----------



## The Duke

Non Serviam said:


> It's as accurate as almost anyone else's.
> 
> In the Ghostbusters tag line, should it be "Who you gonna call" or "Whom you gonna call?"  (NB:  There isn't a correct answer, there are arguments for both.  I'm asking your opinion, not setting a test.)



Ultimately I'd say the most important thing is to be consistent. Don't be jumbling different sets of rules in your writing.

Quick Question: NS, what do you mean by tolerably good? Tolerable, good, or slightly above average?


----------



## Foxee

TT, we would absolutely love to have you join the next LM.


----------



## Non Serviam

The Duke said:


> Quick Question: NS, what do you mean by tolerably good? Tolerable, good, or slightly above average?



!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!.....!
Mediocre |  Okay      | Tolerable |   *YOU ARE HERE* | Very good     | Pass the pulitzer


----------



## Swamp Thing

*digs up cheerleader suit and pom poms*

"Go TT, Go TT"

*belly jiggles*

"Go TT, Go TT"

*tries back flip and winds up unconscious on gurney*


----------



## Foxee

*calls medics for Swamp Thing*

That was ambitious!

I'll offer to judge for the next LM.


----------



## Swamp Thing

*comes conscious enough to murmur*

"I hope you will." :-D


----------



## eggo

> I'll offer to judge for the next LM.


 

My turn again too. Sign me on


----------



## Foxee

Swamp Thing said:


> *comes conscious enough to murmur*
> 
> "I hope you will." :-D


Geez, some people will do anything to get judges signed up!

Cool, Eggo. It's odd to have two judges already and we don't even know what the next LM is!


----------



## vangoghsear

Swamp Thing said:


> *digs up cheerleader suit and pom poms*
> 
> "Go TT, Go TT"
> 
> *belly jiggles*
> 
> "Go TT, Go TT"
> 
> *tries back flip and winds up unconscious on gurney*



Tie your top on better next time before doing the back flip, okay? :tongue:
:lol:


----------



## vangoghsear

vangoghsear said:


> Tie your top on better next time before doing the back flip, okay? :tongue:
> :lol:


Actually, two people have already volunteered to judge following your cheer...so you must have done something right.8)


----------



## eggo

It was the only way to make him stop.


----------



## seigfried007

eggo said:


> It was the only way to make him stop.


 
Ah, harassment has its perks, eggo


----------



## Swamp Thing

*Unbuckles the back brace and heads for pom poms*


----------



## Tiamat

I'll volunteer to judge next time around too.


----------



## Foxee

That's impressive! Swamp Thing even _threatens_ to cheer and people sign up to judge?

Why didn't we think of this before?


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## Sam

If we're not to full capacity on judges yet, I'll volunteer. But if there's someone out there who wants to do it and who hasn't yet been a judge, I'll gladly step aside. 

Sam.


----------



## Tiamat

It's the sight of Swampy in that cute little miniskirt that motivated me.  Who could resist?


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## vangoghsear

Swamp Thing said:


> *Unbuckles the back brace and heads for pom poms*


Ut oh.  Now he's taking stuff off.  :-&


----------

