# Saviour



## MrLightening (Apr 23, 2011)

Here's a short story about Doctors.

SAVIOUR        
         It was a long drive there, and it would be an even longer drive back.
 The  Doctor climbs out of his vehicle and marches across the gravely car  park towards the entrance with fierce assertion. He has a briefcase by  his side; a pad and pen in his pocket; his big juicy brain is ready for  the picking. To the left and right of him he notices business men and  women; patients and their carers; laborers atop the building; budding  criminals beneath the cracks.
 He  walks by the people and thinks he is better than they are; an inner sin  of pride is nothing to compare to the good he does every day. The  Doctor’s positive attributes and contribution to society outweigh his  which is negative; they outweigh any good done by his neighbours.
 He  has chosen a path more noble than most; he is indiscriminately a healer  of the sick; a saviour of lives. For every year the murderer spends  behind bars; the wrath of humanity behind him; the saviour stands high  beyond the throne; escalated above those lives he has graciously saved.
 The  path leads him not to worship the riches and rewards of this life; nor  those promised by religion in the afterlife. His incentive is not  materialistic but internal; the love he feels for himself with each life  saved is worth so much more.
 Behold: he has put himself high upon the mantle; but forgets he is human also; this man does not control the weather.  
 He  walks on ferociously eyes straight ahead; neither looking right nor  left; above or below; and without warning the laborer’s toolbox falls.


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## Cambyses (Apr 23, 2011)

That's a neat piece.  The switch from past tense in the first sentence to present in the second kind of threw me off but it's not that big of a deal.


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## MrLightening (Apr 23, 2011)

Thanks for reading Cambyses! I'm not sure if you managed to get to the link before Sam removed it (I didn't know we weren't allowed to post links); but here is the rest of Saviour anyway 
........................................

Very slowly the Doctor  wakes in a hospital bed; realizes he is alive and it has been a long  time. He tries to recall the incident, but his brain fails him; in fact  he has difficult thinking at all. Eventually his colleges come to his  bedside and he opens his mouth to speak; but his speech is jolted,  obscure; something is very wrong.
 They  speak to him in plain English; he manages a word at a time but cannot  join their sentences together. At first he suspects the drugs they have  him on are affecting his brain capacity; but as time carries on and his  family visit he gathers not an idea but the _sense _his body has been injured; this fills him with unthinkable horror.
 Paralyzed,  he watches his kin embrace the doctors uttering indecipherable thanks;  even though they look at him with anguish they are glad he is alive; he  has been saved; to them the worst has not happened.
 The  Patient’s eyes shrink fearfully around the room; in no corner he finds  the help he requires. Minutes and months go by like years and centuries;  all in all a profound life lesson has been learned; sometimes a killer  could be a saviour and … vice-versa.


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## garza (Apr 24, 2011)

MrLightening - You need paragraph breaks to make the text easier to read.

There are several usage problems that may be the result of typographical errors, but whatever the cause should have been caught in a final line edit before filing. For example, in the second part you have '...he has difficult thinking at all.' I'm sure you mean 'difficulty'. You say his 'colleges' come to him. Surely you mean 'colleagues'. 

The second second paragraph might be better expressed this way:

_They speak to him in plain English and he manages to understand the words but he cannot join the words to make sentences. At first he suspects the drugs he's on are affecting his brain's ability to understand. In time and as his family visit he understands that his body has been injured. He is horrified._

Something like that might be easier for the reader to understand. Inappropriate use of the semi-colon can lead to confusion.

Having recovered some years ago from a massive stroke I can relate to what you are trying to say. You say his speech is 'jolted'. The more common meaning of 'jolted' is to be disturbed by an outside force. Did you mean his speech was jerky? I would also question the use of 'obscure' in that context. Slurred, perhaps, and disjointed would perhaps be better. While I was recovering my speech was never obscure, though the words often were difficult for others to understand.


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## MrLightening (Apr 24, 2011)

Thanks for reading garza!

Well you certainly took it apart and found all it's errors and mistakes. A little embarrassing, this story is a few years old and these mistakes still managed to get through the cracks with a dozen edits by myself. I was semi-colon crazy at one point during my writing, and this was written during that period.

This story actually isn't very important to me, but my readers tend to like it. I'd like you to read another story I'll be posting shortly - this one was written this past week.


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## garza (Apr 24, 2011)

When you put it up, I'll give it a read and offer my comments.


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## Lubu (Apr 24, 2011)

Its good, clearly your a skilled writer, but it to short to really say about the story. But you did leave a lot of the story in the dark, like whos the main character, what are his firends like, what happen to him. Your making the reader ask questions and I think this is a good thing to do, it make the reader want to read on to answer these questions.

I like what you have wrote here.


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## MrLightening (Apr 24, 2011)

Lubu said:


> Its good, clearly your a skilled writer, but it to short to really say about the story. But you did leave a lot of the story in the dark, like whos the main character, what are his firends like, what happen to him. Your making the reader ask questions and I think this is a good thing to do, it make the reader want to read on to answer these questions.
> 
> I like what you have wrote here.



Thanks for reading Lubu! What wonderful compliments to fatten my ego  Let me know if you want me to read something of yours


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## MrLightening (Apr 24, 2011)

garza said:


> When you put it up, I'll give it a read and offer my comments.


 
Thanks Garza! I wrote Serial Killers: The Robin Hood Bludger last week, and Nostalgia Overdrive today. Commenting on either would be great!


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