# His Disillusion



## Mystovation (Apr 29, 2014)

a life unforeseen unto 
his 

suppositions and presumptions seems 
as 

though the fruit of his 
labor 

was nothing but a fool’s 
errand






*EXPLANATION: Basically the narrator expected the life that came after his hard work and dedicated character would be prominent and successful. But it is actually the complete opposite.*


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## aj47 (Apr 29, 2014)

Mystovation said:


> a life unforeseen unto
> his
> 
> suppositions and presumptions seems
> ...



I see the point of this but it starts out weak, in the passive voice.  Also "seems" is a waffle-word without energy or power.

You could take it starting at L4 and just use that.  Also the line breaks in awkward places but i recognize that as a "style" that some people favor.

_as though the fruit of his 
labor 

was nothing but a fool’s 
errand
_


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## Mystovation (Apr 29, 2014)

To tell you the truth, it was supposed to come off with a kind of depressing aura and I could come up with no other way to word it. In a way he was meant to sound not mad, but just disappointed and regretful


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## Pandora (Apr 30, 2014)

Sounds real, I like how you describe what most feel at sometime in their lives, a fool's errand indeed. Well done, short and to the point. A lot of emotion in a couple few lines. I took not only disappointment but hopelessness, when effort just doesn't bring us what we need and want. We can relate, thanks Mystovation.


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## Scribe101 (Apr 30, 2014)

Hi,

It's great that you're writing poetry. 

May I ask, is there any particular reason you used enjambment for 
the last word in every line?


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## Mystovation (Apr 30, 2014)

Scribe101 said:


> Hi,
> 
> It's great that you're writing poetry.
> 
> ...



Honestly, there was no reason for it, I simply felt as if it would make the poem a tad more interesting and now that I think about it, it would probably be better if I had left that out


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## Mystovation (Apr 30, 2014)

Pandora said:


> Sounds real, I like how you describe what most feel at sometime in their lives, a fool's errand indeed. Well done, short and to the point. A lot of emotion in a couple few lines. I took not only disappointment but hopelessness, when effort just doesn't bring us what we need and want. We can relate, thanks Mystovation.



Thank you for understanding and enjoyment in my poem!


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## Scribe101 (Apr 30, 2014)

Mystovation said:


> Honestly, there was no reason for it, I simply felt as if it would make the poem a tad more interesting and now that I think about it, it would probably be better if I had left that out



It's good to experiment and play around.

Try re-drafting it without the 'last word enjambment' and then post it here.
It's natural for poems to go through several drafts before being finished.

Some of the best poems are a result of writing and rewriting.


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## Mystovation (Apr 30, 2014)

a life unforeseen unto his suppositions and presumptions
as though the fruit of his labor was nothing but a fool’s errand


hmmm something like this?


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## Abby (May 5, 2014)

Your re-write flows much better than the original imo, I like it! I would build on it now though, without all the breaks it' s a great intro. Also "as though the fruits of his labor were nothing but a fool's errand" flows a little better I think.


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## Mystovation (May 5, 2014)

Build on it....that actually sounds like a great idea. using this as an intro into a deeper work would be great, thanks for the idea!


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## escorial (May 6, 2014)

i like the shortness and direct manner the words come across as very melancholic..liked


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## Scribe101 (May 10, 2014)

Mystovation said:


> a life unforeseen unto his suppositions and presumptions
> as though the fruit of his labor was nothing but a fool’s errand
> 
> 
> hmmm something like this?



I think the rewrite is definitely more graceful, more musical. 

Perhaps some of the diction is a little old fashioned. Could you
try rewriting it without the 'unto'? 

Also, what do you mean when you say 'the fruit of his labor was nothing 
but a fool's errand'?

Surely it would be the labour that was the fools errand, and not the 
_results_ of the labour. 

So I would think about what it is you're trying to say. 

'Fruit of his labor' and 'fool's errand' are a little bit cliched.
Perhaps you could try inventing an image - a metaphor or simile -
that brings to life the sentiment.

Combine the rewriting process with a close reading of poetry
that you like. Reading poetry on a regular basis is a very 
important factor in the development of your poetry skills.

On the whole, I think you have a natural gift for language.
So do keep with it: study, read and practise.


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## Mystovation (May 15, 2014)

Thank you for your critique Scribe101 revealing to me a bad habit that has become a major issue with me. I tend to decorate my works with fancy words yet leave the actual content of the works a bit questionable.


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## Scribe101 (May 24, 2014)

Thank you for receiving the critique so graciously. 

As you develop, you'll find that a lot of accomplished poets started out like you. 

Keep at it.


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