# my resignation (strong language)



## wood (Jul 14, 2011)

removed by author​


----------



## wood (Jul 14, 2011)

dang it, i forgot to add (strong language) to the title, and the edit feature won't let me alter the title line.  can a mod fix that?


----------



## Hawke (Jul 14, 2011)

Done.


----------



## jeffrey c mcmahan (Jul 14, 2011)

Fantastic introduction of a persona in the opening lines. Strong voice from the begging. The poem's flow, as with; stream of thought, line length and meter; provide for a nice tempo throughout the piece. Pleasantly chaotic in imagery and sense states. ie, perceptions,  thought processes. Instances of place are introduced well, and developed in sometimes chaotic, sometimes associative ways, but regardless, leads the reader to the finale, within short order. Well read poem.


----------



## Squalid Glass (Jul 14, 2011)

"thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public"

That line was the closest I've ever been in real life to actually laughing out loud to something on the internet. Quite a creative little couplet there.

I like this a lot. I think your voice is so powerful and you hold nothing back. It is honest, and it adds to the lasting effect of the piece. Nice work.


----------



## theorphan (Jul 15, 2011)

I really like your poem.  The imagery is in a style that I don't typically like but sometimes I feel like that after work so I felt like I connected with it.  Good job!  Keep writing.


----------



## Bachelorette (Jul 15, 2011)

wood, I have no words. Except these four: awesome job, as always.


----------



## wood (Jul 15, 2011)

hawke, good deal, thank you very much.

everyone, thank you, thanks for the glowing reviews, means a lot to me.

i was hoping for some crits on this... any crits at all


----------



## Bachelorette (Jul 15, 2011)

wood said:


> i was hoping for some crits on this... any crits at all



I tried... I really did! Honestly, I sat there for like fifteen minutes trying to think of something useful to say, but the thing is, I think your skill is beyond me and mine. However, I will come back to it, maybe tonight or tomorrow, and see if I can't come up with something.:cat:

EDIT: Ooh, I have an idea. Is there any bit in the poem that _you're_ not happy with? Anything specific you'd like someone to comment on? That might help.

That, or just accept the fact that you're good, haha.


----------



## Bachelorette (Jul 16, 2011)

As promised!



wood said:


> buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
> in big white letters across the chest and back
> (ok, why for?)​


​ 
Any particular reason you used the word "why" instead of "what"?



> i’m blocking all downtown midday heart-attack madness
> for emergency yard sales



"Emergency yard sales"? I actually like it, because it's so random, but I have no idea what it means.



> i declare this alley, these loose bricks, burnt newspapers
> this pile of ford pinto an institution, i declare it sculpture



My favorite bit of the whole poem.



> i’m joining miscellaneous counterculture revolutions
> primetime freaks shows, i’m performing human folly
> 
> i’m giving blue ribbons for duct tape innovations
> hosting poetry readings in tattoo parlors



My other favorite bit of the whole poem.



> thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-
> thunk-thunk my shopping cart masturbates in public



Maybe you don't need quite so many "thunks."



> took a giant academic sized dump, flushed and it was gone



This reminds me of Bukowski. Did you get this idea from him? I only ask because I saw an interview with him on YouTube where he compared writing to taking a dump and how you need to flush it away (let it go, I assume he meant)... it was really weird, but classic him.




> a wandering hazard, walking the earth without a guild
> without a pepsi grin, a juicy ass to kiss, a walmart hand-job)



I've worked at Wal-Mart, actually, and it's a lot more like getting anally raped (ha, you probably think I'm kidding. I'm not).

Also, and this is probably just the gigantic nerd in me, but when you say "walking the earth without a guild" all I picture is a lone World of Warcraft player, and I'm not 100% sure that's what you were going for.



> you won’t make any money writing unapproved literature
> don’t expect us to take you seriously



That's for damn sure.



> bite me
> yours truly
> staff



"Bite me" seems a little weak; I think a good hearty "fuck you" is what's needed here. Although that might be a bit predictable. Also, I think maybe it should read "yours truly/*the* staff." Don't ask me why; it's just a feeling.

Well, that's the best I could do! Hope some of that helps.


----------



## wood (Jul 17, 2011)

"your skill is beyond me and mine"  i have to strongly disagree with that statement.  i wouldn't be running back here every few days begging for crits if that were true.

thanks for the feedback, very helpful. "Anything specific you'd like someone to comment on?" yes, but i don't like to ask because i don't want affect or alter a response.  but you did answer some of them, so thank you.

i'm familar with world of warcraft, but i've never played it, so i don't understand what it might be referring to (?).  i don't like that line anymore, most likely i will cut it anyway.  i like bukowski, but he's not a favorate, but i like that quote =), thanks again bachalorette, this has been a great help.


----------



## j.w.olson (Jul 17, 2011)

I saw you wanted critiques, and I love doing that. To keep my thoughts accurate, I'll write them out before I read what others have suggested below.

First thought, before we get started: I might enjoy it if the title was "My Resignation from _____(whatever your job is here)_____"



wood said:


> buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
> in big white letters across the chest and back - Ha, I have one of those from when I lifeguarded!
> 
> (ok, why for?) - This sounds awkward to my ears. I would prefer either "why" "for what" or "what for." If you have to be weird, then I suggest "wherefore."​
> ...




I'm a fan of capitalization and punctuation, but I think your poem works decently well without either. The ford pinto thing and the comma thing are still weird, though.

I also approve of the chaos of your poem, though I would suggest one modification. Because it comes first and is job related, I think the sweatshirt with staff on it is more important than most of the rest of the images. In which case, I really think it should be mentioned once again at the end of the poem to tie everything together.

All in all, a very enjoyable read! Thanks!


----------



## wood (Jul 17, 2011)

thank you very much sir, very helpful.  "why for" is kind of a vernacular thing, but local, so it may not translate well outside.  i can fix that.  " I really think it should be mentioned once again at the end of the poem to tie everything together."  mmm, i signed the letter "yours truly, staff", not sure if more of that image is needed or not, but curtainly worth thinking about.  thanks again for taking the time and effort, much appreciated.


----------



## Bachelorette (Jul 17, 2011)

wood said:


> "your skill is beyond me and mine"  i have to strongly disagree with that statement.  i wouldn't be running back here every few days begging for crits if that were true.



Ha, well, I'm also here for the crits, so... 



> i'm familar with world of warcraft, but i've never played it, so i don't understand what it might be referring to (?).



I've never played it either, but I think that when a bunch of players who are friends get together to do "raids" they have to join a "guild" to show that they're part of that group. Or something. I'm only dimly aware of the terminology because I'm a Penny Arcade fan.



> i like bukowski, but he's not a favorate, but i like that quote =),



Yeah, there is a ring of truth to what he said, isn't there, haha. I'm actually a big fan of his poetry because he's so purposely not "poetic", and I often feel that my own writing lacks that "poetic" quality. In fact, until I read him, I was going to quit poetry altogether. But then I read his poem "Nirvana" (well, heard Tom Waits read it) and I thought, "Oh, so that can be poetry, too? Maybe there's hope!" So, yeah, the old guy's kind of special to me. <3

[/tangent]


----------



## Edgewise (Jul 18, 2011)

wood said:


> buy me a sweatshirt with the word “staff” written
> in big white letters across the chest and back
> (ok, why for?)  I am wondering the same about this line.​
> 
> ...



I couldn't help but compare this to something off Aesop Rock's _Labor Days_.  It uses the same swirling stream of consciousness style; even the flow is uncannily similar.  Subject material too.  The poem seems like it was written to be read aloud.  I dig the fact that the poem is abstract but clear enough in places to allow the reader a window into your motivations for writing it.  Some of the images are strikingly unique.  Fun read.


----------



## wood (Jul 19, 2011)

edgewise, this is a wonderful critique, thanks much.

"for emergency yard sales squandered.  The connection between this line and the above line is imo tenuous."  yeah, that seems to be the general view, i will work on that

"wear your hat as you please (inside or out)  This line falls flat."  - you're right, and that bothers me some, but this line is here to pay proper tribute to walt whitman's hat, which is important to me (and perhaps only me)  but it doesn't match the intensity of other content

"something off Aesop Rock's _Labor Days_"  i had to look them up, i'm not a rap fan but i like what i hear, thanks for the referral! 

"I dig the fact that the poem is abstract..."  there seems to be a confusion of terms here.  in literature, i take “abstract” to mean vague, unspecific, as in the levels of abstraction according to semantics (i.e. animal -> dog -> collie -> my collie, ellie may)   i don’t think abstract means the same thing in literature as it does in other fields.  i think surreal would be a better term, honesty, i’m just using methods straight out of the surrealist’s manifesto, and like you said, mixing surreal and real ideals together.  in the poems i’ve been writing lately i’m trying to create surrealism that is more accessible, and realism with more personalized, imaginative symbolism, where meaning and sensation can trade places more easily, to speak the unspeakable, which is every poets endeavor i would guess… or not, i wouldn’t know their intentions.

thanks again, much appreciated


----------



## wood (Jul 19, 2011)

suddenly i'm feeling very red?


----------



## SvirVolgate (Jul 23, 2011)

I read this a few days ago. I really liked the tone you were going for with this piece and i think the way you present the lines is very cool; it enhances the piece without seeming gimmicky. Great Job


----------

