# It's Not You, It's Me...



## Firemajic (Dec 29, 2017)

*It's Not Me... It's You...*

*We drank the wine of our lust
not caring that it was flat
and your kiss could not remove
the taste of him from my lips

I inhaled the unfamiliar musk of you
as I sipped your seduction 
my taste is on your lips

Your fingers sketched my pleasure
erased his memory for a moment
but I ran to him when you entered me

we raced together

away from each other....

*


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## G.R. Bernard (Dec 29, 2017)

Hello Firemajic, this is my first critique here so brace yourself! I feel like I am lacking the knowledge of the participants of this poem. I understand that the poem's speaker is part of 'we' and 'our' in line 1, so naturally 'your' in line 3 refers to their partner, but I'm not sure who 'him' from line 4 refers to and if all of the pronouns from the second strophe refer to the person who is a part of 'we' and 'our' from line 1 or the 'him' from line 4. This seems like a poem of three people, unfortunately as a reader that has the effect of making me feel like an outsider here, rather than an invited guest. The opening line of this poem is a difficult one for me to visualise. 'The wine of our lust' doesn't make sense to me. A liquid produced by lust is, erm, xxx-rated, for want of a better description. I didn't get a pornographic feel from this poem, so I'm not sure it's the kind of introduction you want. I have a similar issue with line 6. I can understand that sipping someone's seduction is reaching at a metaphor, but I think the problem there is that seduction is an abstract concept. If you were able to create a concrete, tangible image synonymous with seduction for the speaker to sip then that metaphor could work.I think that with a little more grounding in tangible elements and a little less focus on the personal pronouns, this poem could improve in leaps and bounds. I can see that you have attempted to evoke feeling through use of metaphor and figurative language, and continuing to do so in the revision process will serve you well. G.


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## TuesdayEve (Dec 29, 2017)

A short but powerful poem, trying to move on
yet held back....
“....your kiss could not remove the taste of him from my lips...”
wow


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Dec 29, 2017)

Nice, I love the flow and beauty of the poem.


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## ned (Dec 29, 2017)

my sympathies are with the narrator's lover...

a rebound enough times....but very well put.......coldly.

Ned


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## kaminoshiyo (Dec 29, 2017)

I think this is what Shakespeare meant by "the mortal coil". 

At first I wanted to take sides, but then it was apparent all three people in the poem lose. It's enough to reflect on...

As usual, I know where to go for the good stuff. Nice poem, FM.


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## andrewclunn (Dec 29, 2017)

Oh damn.  I mean that's cold, and harsh, and real.  Nice.


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## PiP (Dec 29, 2017)

Wow, Fire. You write such powerful poetry.


*Your fingers sketched my pleasure
erased his memory for a moment
but I ran to him when you entered me

**I wonder if reordering the words would work better.*_*but when you entered me I ran to him

*_


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## Squalid Glass (Dec 30, 2017)

This is pretty slick. The last few images, especially. 

"unfamiliar musk of you" tripped me up, though. Maybe "your unfamiliar musk."


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## escorial (Dec 30, 2017)

i enjoyed the way you expressed a few point of views with so few words...


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## sas (Dec 30, 2017)

One of the reason's I felt the first stanza had more power was that lines were in syllable count. Then, what happened? It threw me off when it did not continue. I lifted my eyes from the poem to wonder, never a good thing. 

So, if count isn't important, the first line's  "of lust" isn't a fav of mine. I dislike those "of" phrases that poets fall into so easily.  I'd much rather see a simile nail the first line:

We drank lust like wine.

Ditto for "of musk". You're more creative than that configuration of words. 

Consider dropping last two lines. Unneeded. Less is more. Sometimes a softer ending is better than a bam-bam-bam. This is one of those cases. I'd drop "me" from that line, so it ends:

"but I ran to him when you entered"

Hope helpful. Sas 
.


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> *We drank our lust like wine** Sas... your suggestion is fabulous... thank you!
> not caring that it was flat
> but your kiss could not remove
> the taste of him from my lips
> ...





PiP said:


> Wow, Fire. You write such powerful poetry.
> 
> 
> *Your fingers sketched my pleasure
> ...





Squalid Glass said:


> This is pretty slick. The last few images, especially.
> 
> "unfamiliar musk of you" tripped me up, though. Maybe "your unfamiliar musk."





sas said:


> One of the reason's I felt the first stanza had more power was that lines were in syllable count. Then, what happened? It threw me off when it did not continue. I lifted my eyes from the poem to wonder, never a good thing.
> 
> So, if count isn't important, the first line's  "of lust" isn't a fav of mine. I dislike those "of" phrases that poets fall into so easily.  I'd much rather see a simile nail the first line:
> 
> ...


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## sas (Dec 31, 2017)

I'd love to reword this (his taste, instead of "my taste") and ditch the lines ...fingers sketched, etc.....


his taste is on your lips.
When you entered me, I ran to him.

Why, why the last two lines?


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2017)

G.R. Bernard said:


> Hello Firemajic, this is my first critique here so brace yourself! I feel like I am lacking the knowledge of the participants of this poem. I understand that the poem's speaker is part of 'we' and 'our' in line 1, so naturally 'your' in line 3 refers to their partner, but I'm not sure who 'him' from line 4 refers to and if all of the pronouns from the second strophe refer to the person who is a part of 'we' and 'our' from line 1 or the 'him' from line 4. This seems like a poem of three people, unfortunately as a reader that has the effect of making me feel like an outsider here, rather than an invited guest. The opening line of this poem is a difficult one for me to visualise. 'The wine of our lust' doesn't make sense to me. A liquid produced by lust is, erm, xxx-rated, for want of a better description. I didn't get a pornographic feel from this poem, so I'm not sure it's the kind of introduction you want. I have a similar issue with line 6. I can understand that sipping someone's seduction is reaching at a metaphor, but I think the problem there is that seduction is an abstract concept. If you were able to create a concrete, tangible image synonymous with seduction for the speaker to sip then that metaphor could work.I think that with a little more grounding in tangible elements and a little less focus on the personal pronouns, this poem could improve in leaps and bounds. I can see that you have attempted to evoke feeling through use of metaphor and figurative language, and continuing to do so in the revision process will serve you well. G.




Hello G.R. Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread! I am so impressed with your critique... it is brilliant... you gave me a lot to think about, and I will use it going forward, your efforts will not be wasted and I am deeply grateful... I never consciously set out to use a metaphor in my poetry... but somehow... they sneak in.. I will be more aware of that in the future... thank you for reading and commenting.. 







TuesdayEve said:


> A short but powerful poem, trying to move on
> yet held back....
> “....your kiss could not remove the taste of him from my lips...”
> wow




Dear Tuesday... yes, you got it.. moving on is a difficult thing... thank you so much 




CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Nice, I love the flow and beauty of the poem.



Thank you..





ned said:


> my sympathies are with the narrator's lover...
> 
> a rebound enough times....but very well put.......coldly.
> 
> Ned



"Coldly".... hummm....never thought of it like that... but sometimes a person can't help it... the heart wants what the heart wants... thanks for reading.. 




kaminoshiyo said:


> I think this is what Shakespeare meant by "the mortal coil".
> 
> At first I wanted to take sides, but then it was apparent all three people in the poem lose. It's enough to reflect on...
> 
> As usual, I know where to go for the good stuff. Nice poem, FM.




kaminoshiyo.. Thanks for your cool comments  nice to see you in the poetry thread...





andrewclunn said:


> Oh damn.  I mean that's cold, and harsh, and real.  Nice.




Andrew.. I truly did not think this was cold or harsh.. but I was dealing with a different perspective...thanks for your POV... 



escorial said:


> i enjoyed the way you expressed a few point of views with so few words...



Thanks, Escorial... I appreciate... 


Thanks to all who read and "liked" this poem...


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2017)

sas said:


> I'd love to reword this (his taste, instead of "my taste") and ditch the lines ...fingers sketched, etc.....
> 
> 
> his taste is on your lips.
> ...




I think I fixed it... 

the last 2 lines, I thought were important... but I see your point


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## TL Murphy (Dec 31, 2017)

Fire, I'm coming late to this.  It's a very strong and evokative poem. It treads the edge of comfort zones which for me is a portal to greater knowledge and experience.

I am always jolted by the word 'of' which is desperately overused in contemporary poetry as if the word alone makes a strong poetic image, when, in fact, in only infuses the line with a kind of bounce.  And therefore I am, personally, very judicious with its use.  Not to say that I think it should never be used but there is usually a better way to form an image and not weaken the image by spliting it with a useless preposition.   I think we slide into the word 'of' because it's easy and it 'sounds' poetic. We don't even think about it.


*We drank the wine of our lust  (We drank lust wine)

the taste of him from my lips  (his taste from my lips)

I inhaled the unfamiliar musk of you  (I inhaled your unfamiliar musk)

*These images are all stronger and more direct without the word 'of' imposed upon them.  The common defense from poets when I make this call is that they want to maintain the RYTHM.  Balony, I say!  In free verse, we can always find the natural rythm through breath pause, line breaks and enjambment.

As visceral as the word 'entered' is, in this case, I find it gratuitous and detracts from what could be a more expansive passage:*

Your fingers sketched my pleasure
erased his memory for a moment
but I ran to him when you entered me

we raced together

away from each other....*


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## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2018)

TL Murphy said:


> Fire, I'm coming late to this.  It's a very strong and evokative poem. It treads the edge of comfort zones which for me is a portal to greater knowledge and experience.
> 
> I am always jolted by the word 'of' which is desperately overused in contemporary poetry as if the word alone makes a strong poetic image, when, in fact, in only infuses the line with a kind of bounce.  And therefore I am, personally, very judicious with its use.  Not to say that I think it should never be used but there is usually a better way to form an image and not weaken the image by spliting it with a useless preposition.   I think we slide into the word 'of' because it's easy and it 'sounds' poetic. We don't even think about it.
> 
> ...




Hello TL, thank you so much for your comments... most of the changes you suggested had already been fixed, thanks to PiP, SqualidGlass, and sas... and your thoughts echoed their comments.. I made the changes you suggested for the end lines... I must say, I like both endings... I always learn so much from you and ... this is the 3rd time my knuckles have been rapped for using "of"....  you would think I would remember  

*We drank our lust like wine
not caring that it was flat
 and your kiss could not remove
his taste from my lips

I inhaled your unfamiliar musk
as I sipped your seduction
your taste on my lips

Your fingers sketched my pleasure
erased his memory for moment
but I ran to him
when we raced together

away from each other

*


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## jenthepen (Jan 2, 2018)

Lots of good advice already and I really like the final revision. 

I don't have much to add, except I would change the title to _It's not me, it's you_ After all, from the perspective of the poem, it is.


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## Firemajic (Jan 2, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> Lots of good advice already and I really like the final revision.
> 
> I don't have much to add, except I would change the title to _It's not me, it's you_ After all, from the perspective of the poem, it is.





OMG!!!!.....You are a Genius... Of course..... the title has been changed.... Thank you


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