# Zombie Sex Warriors



## Randyjoe (Jun 26, 2012)

OK, this is a novel I'm working on. I need constructive criticism. This is an excerpt.

The moon glowed menacingly like a big snake egg. Tookie Williams, chief Zombie from the planet Nugtar was holding the local sheriff, Doc Hanson, by the scruff of his neck. "Where's Julie-Anne?!" he shouted, spitting flecks of filthy zombie spit onto the mans chin. "I can't tell you that, it would jeopardize the whole aurora program. You filthy zombie scum butts think you can chase Earth tale with no repercussions. You're wrong. We Earth men have more pheromones than the average sentient beings."

A humming noise came closer, like a mosquito on jet ski. It was Mac Daddy, the Zombie Pimp General. Under his arm was the sheriffs daughter, Megan, she was kicking like a whiny little bitch. "I got the fatty poopster" He called joyfully. Doc Hanson's eyes filled with salty tear juice "not my pookie" he said sadly.

Suddenly all the Sex Warriors receivers went off. It was HQ. "Come in Zombie Sex Warriors, we have a report of two giant meteor nug butts from the Nugtar system." All the Zombie's piled onto each other forming an amorphous blob of rotting man flesh. They started to nug at each other until they were conjoined in a giant beast form. The flashing red light grew brighter...


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## Robdemanc (Jun 26, 2012)

"The moon glowed menacingly like a big snake egg" - Do snake eggs glow?

What kind of story is this to be?  It reads like its going to be a farcical pervy comedy.


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## Dave Watson (Jun 26, 2012)

Title and content are awesome! "Like a mosquito on a jet ski" may be one of the best decriptions for a humming noise I've read in years. 

Can't critise the writing as this seems like it'd be hilarious. Just watch for your punctuation and stuff if you're serious about it and not just havng a laugh.

When someone speaks, start a new line.

...chase Earth tale... should be spelled tail.


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## HooktonFonnix (Jun 28, 2012)

Haha, ummm....wow. It was a little confusing at some points, such as when the dialogue switches hands, but it's unique and hilarious. I might be a little embarrassed to tell people I'm reading a book called 'Zombie Sex Warriors,' but it looks to be shaping up to be quite a read.


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## Nicky (Jun 28, 2012)

is this based on the actual Tookie Williams?


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## valondon (Jun 28, 2012)

This is... interesting to say the least. My best piece of advice is to break up the dialog a bit. =)


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## Randyjoe (Jun 30, 2012)

Hello friends, thanks for your responses.

Thanks for the advice about starting a new line when characters speak. And for pointing out my use of the wrong tail!



Nicky said:


> is this based on the actual Tookie Williams?


The protagonist is a fictional Tookie Williams zombie.



Robdemanc said:


> What kind of story is this to be?  It reads like its going to be a farcical pervy comedy.


It's not supposed to be a comedy, although it has some surrealist elements. It's supposed to be allegorical, like Plato's 'Republic', but that's probably hard to tell from such a small snippet.

I hope to continue working on this novel. If anyone can help me with the general structure of the writing, especially making it less confusing who's saying what, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for the positive feedback!


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## snowbunny (Jun 30, 2012)

Ummm lmao! For sure break up the paragraphs when different people are speaking. But I honestly don't see how this can be anything other then comedy... I mean come on Tookie Wiliams, Mac daddy zombie pimp, fatty poopster, and zombie scum butts...  I would say this is a far cry from Plato's Republic... Lol but I have always wanted to read a zombie book where they did something other just walk around stupidly trying to eat brains. What about a zombie romance lmao I mean vampires are dead and they fall in love in books all the time ; )


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## Scorcho (Jul 2, 2012)

Amusing, very schmaltzy. I would just be careful. Too much farce with nothing substantial in between turns into white noise eventually.


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## Krak (Jul 11, 2012)

This is the type of thing I'd like to read, always up for a farcicle adventure. Zombies are the cherry on top!


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## Greak (Jul 15, 2012)

Wow...

I'd definitely try and find some new words to use. The first thing that grabbed my attention is the word "zombie" appears a lot. Try reading it out loud to yourself, it will sound different. 

_he shouted, spitting flecks of filthy zombie spit onto the mans chin
_Maybe try a different word usage, such as:
_he shouted. Doc cringed as visible flecks flew from the rotting corpses mouth and landed on his chin.


_​It's got potential, don't give up.


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## MJCaan (Jul 19, 2012)

Well...I can certainly see this becoming a Saturday night movie on Sci-fi.


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## Artanyis (Jul 20, 2012)

I honestly have no idea what to say...
I can't say it was badly written, its just not a style I usually go for, but it does look like it will be a pretty funny read.
The writing style reminds me of a couple cheap comedy books I read a long time ago, I cant remember what they were called, had a really long name, it was a sci-fi series where the characters were in a war... but anyway, I'll figure it out eventually.
But I actually really liked the descriptions that didn't really make sense, becuase they still worked, no, snake eggs don't glow, but that doesn't mean they cant!


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## GoatBrain (Jul 24, 2012)

I think I could love this. I have no idea whats going on, except that zombies are horny, but that's beside the point. Definitely a different idea, hope this is serious.


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## CroZ (Jul 24, 2012)

There are agents in this world who would read that title alone and instantly throw a bag of money at you.


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## Quietman (Jul 29, 2012)

That was disturbing, funny and further out there than I’ve ever been. 
Got any more?:nonchalance:


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## Arcopitcairn (Jul 30, 2012)

I think maybe I'd try and take it easier, you know, slow it down a little. You're gonna have a whole book to work with, so just take your time and hit your stride. I'm a sucker for zombies, so I'd definitely like to see more.


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## D. Ayers Gray (Jul 31, 2012)

I would work a bit on dialog. Let us know who is speaking each line. If it's a different character, start a new paragraph. Also, adverbs are most times not your friend. Good Luck!


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## Penguin19 (Aug 11, 2012)

Personally I think this piece sounds a little childish, calling them zombie sex warriors sounds like an erotica or a comode but reads like a sci-fi. I didn't like this and don't think you can take this any further so I think you should give up on this idia but don't losse heart, as Churchill once said [h=1]“Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.”[/h]


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## Jeko (Aug 11, 2012)

That... was weird.

I would consider easing your reading into your weirdness. The title felt absurd, the characters were bonkers, and the concepts ludicrous. It was like Scott Pilgrim crossed with Zombieland crossed with Duke Nukem Forever.

If that's what you're aiming for, super. I would still slow it down a bit though.


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