# Nights (Content Warning; Language Warning)



## kaminoshiyo (Aug 24, 2016)

My days are filled with visions
but my nights remain dreamless
i always feel so tired
but my nights remain sleepless

Penny for my thoughts
well, you probably overpaid
the only thought I care about's
the thought of getting laid

The girl at work is ugly
but she's sexy all the same
always plays it cool
and likes to play her mind games

I text her "what u doin"
she replies "I'm on da fone"
I text her "where u at"
"chillin, sittin all alone"

I ask her how you feel about me
coming over there
rubbing on your body
peeling off your underwear

She laughed and told me,
"I don't even have the time
to find your little cock, tonight,
and play the pantomime"

Roasted from rejection,
I was going to reply
but the sarcastic b**tch
had clicked and cancelled on the line...

My hand is filled with lotion
and this night remains dreamless
I always feel so horny
but my sheets remain she-less


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## Firemajic (Aug 25, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> My days are filled with visions**** love this first stanza, especially the first 2 lines... I sooo relate to that...
> but my nights remain dreamless
> i always feel so tired
> but my nights remain sleepless
> ...





Feels like a private confession, or hearing your private thoughts... I feel like an intruder in your private hell...


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## escorial (Aug 25, 2016)

proetry at it's best dude.....


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## Nellie (Aug 25, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> My days are filled with visions
> but my nights remain dreamless
> i always feel so tired
> but my nights remain sleepless
> ...



:cower: Probably did. That thought isn't worth a penny! 



			
				kaminoshiyo said:
			
		

> The girl at work is ugly
> but she's sexy all the same
> always plays it cool
> and likes to play her mind games
> ...



:shock:ukel:



			
				kaminoshiyo said:
			
		

> She laughed and told me,
> "I don't even have the time
> to find your little cock, tonight,
> and play the pantomime"
> ...


:-({|=


Like Firemajic said, this feels like a private confession that I shouldn't hear.


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## ned (Aug 25, 2016)

hello - I'm sorry, but the language and attitude of the narrator leaves me cold -
and have no empathy or sympathy toward his feelings.

the body may be mature, but the mind has a ways to go...
Ned


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 25, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Feels like a private confession, or hearing your private thoughts... I feel like an intruder in your private hell...



Jesus, lol. I try a little comedy and this is what happens...

But the beginning actually was real life. I was going to make a bad-feeling poem, but decided to turn it into a comedy. You can probably notice how the first one and a half verses don't really match the rest of the poem.


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 25, 2016)

Nellie said:


> :cower: Probably did. That thought isn't worth a penny!
> 
> 
> 
> ...





ned said:


> hello - I'm sorry, but the language and attitude of the narrator leaves me cold -
> and have no empathy or sympathy toward his feelings.
> 
> the body may be mature, but the mind has a ways to go...
> Ned



Oh God, lighten up...


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 25, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Feels like a private confession, or hearing your private thoughts... I feel like an intruder in your private hell...



Actually, the third verse is also real life, lol. Well, another scrap for the pile...


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## Firemajic (Aug 25, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> Jesus, lol. I try a little comedy and this is what happens...
> 
> But the beginning actually was real life. I was going to make a bad-feeling poem, but decided to turn it into a comedy. You can probably notice how the first one and a half verses don't really match the rest of the poem.





hahaaa... well, I guess this has a dark , um... honest humor....


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 25, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> hahaaa... well, I guess this has a dark , um... honest humor....



Hmmm. I'm going to take it as a compliment then... I once wrote a poem mourning the early death of my daughter and people believed it was real too. I have no daughter, of course. 

Well, have fun you harpies, lol.


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## Firemajic (Aug 25, 2016)

Inspiration is everywhere... Longfellow wrote a poem called "The Wreck of The Hesperus" ... I am sure He did not tie his Daughter to the yardarm...but he made me believe it... that is what we do, we write, and bring people into the world we create...


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## Nellie (Aug 25, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Inspiration is everywhere... Longfellow wrote a poem called "The Wreck of The Hesperus" ... I am sure He did not tie his Daughter to the yardarm...but he made me believe it... that is what we do, we write, and bring people into the world we create...



 Inspiration is the key word here.... I've been inspired by Longfellow's poems.


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 25, 2016)

Nellie said:


> Inspiration is the key word here.... I've been inspired by Longfellow's poems.



Whatever, Nellie  I'll read some of yours later on.


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## Pidgeon84 (Aug 25, 2016)

Haha I thought this was a cheeky little piece


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## ned (Aug 26, 2016)

hello - what a shame, when the author of a supposed humourous piece feels
they can legitimately brush off criticism with a bland "lighten up."

as if the critic is at fault for not getting the obvious hilarity.
or worse still, that humourous writing is beneath contempt and not worthy of serious critique.

you posted this poem in the hope of responses, I presume.
so what I'm saying is that if you want to appeal to a wider audience, then the humour has to be more layered
 - other then simply resorting to a stereo-typically immature and one-dimensional view of the genders. 

for me. humourous poetry requires as much wit, creativity and insight as any other form.
but, if you're happy with the empty (and frankly dishonest) plattitudes of LOLs, then carry on.

I'm not looking for complience or gratitude here - just the space to make my point.

My God, lighten up?

My God, work harder...
Ned


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## aj47 (Aug 26, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> My days are filled with visions
> but my nights remain dreamless
> i always feel so tired
> but my nights remain sleepless
> ...



I see what you're trying to do here, but you need to work a little harder to pull it off.  This is an excellent draft. You don't have to follow every suggestion, but in general, rhyme works in tandem with rhythm and you need to gear up your rhythm into something consistent.  It doesn't have to be the pattern in the stanza I mark as the highlight, but it should be the same from one stanza to the next.  If you're having trouble hearing it, try reading it aloud and if that isn't sufficient, try tapping or clapping the beats.  

As a woman, I can't say I've experienced what you describe, but I can put on my empathy and feel a bit sorry for the protagonist in your piece.  Just a bit because he comes across as a bit on the creeper side, and maybe he deserves an evening alone for calling that girl ugly.


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 27, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - what a shame, when the author of a supposed humourous piece feels
> they can legitimately brush off criticism with a bland "lighten up."
> 
> as if the critic is at fault for not getting the obvious hilarity.
> ...



True.

Thank you.


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