# Pleiades (haiku)



## Terry D (Jun 28, 2016)

Pleiades

Diamonds on velvet
Spilled across the dewy night
Patient eyes reward


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 28, 2016)

This was great!

"Diamonds on velvet" is also one of the best opening lines I've heard in awhile.

Good work Terry!


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## WriteMind (Jun 28, 2016)

What is the second line alluding to?

I'm drawing a blank.

The other two lines are wonderful!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Terry D (Jun 28, 2016)

WriteMind said:


> What is the second line alluding to?
> 
> I'm drawing a blank.
> 
> ...



The Pleiades are a cluster of stars also known as The Seven Sisters, so, especially through a pair of binoculars or a small telescope, they remind me of diamonds spilled across the dewy night sky.


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## ned (Jun 28, 2016)

hello - lovely phrases in this haiku - 
occasionally star-gaze myself - but that aspect didn't come across, for me

is the night sky dewy? - does it have to be dewy?
maybe change dewy for a clue as to what you are actually doing - 
and that final line would have more impact - just a thought

enjoyed
Ned


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## Nellie (Jun 28, 2016)

Beautiful haiku!


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## Darkkin (Jun 28, 2016)

The seven sisters, daughters of Atlas, who holds up the heavens.  Patient eyes looking upon his daughters, safe among the stars.  Spilling across the dewy night, I think works because, pause and consider.  When do you see the Pleiades?  In the very early in September, when the air is crisp and clear, and the dew heavy upon the ground.  

Only nit, the first line: Diamond on velvet is a touch cliche.  A pretty image to be sure, but one that has been seen before.  Look to the story of the sisters, how can you make that first line pop?  The seven were originally turned in doves by Zeus, to protect them from Orion.  e.g. Doves tracing velvet.

Another aspect of the constellation that archaeologists have discovered, is that the star cluster played a large part in early European celestial calendars, given that the constellation's placement within the night sky was much more prevalent than it is today.  Namely a relic known as the Nebra Sky Disc found in Germany.

The Pleiades are one of my favourite constellations, I would love to see this really shine.


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## Sonata (Jun 29, 2016)

This beautiful haiku reminded me so much of the first time I was outside watching for the ISS to come over.  There is no light pollution where I live so the sky really did look like black velvet sprinkled with diamonds.  Thank you for giving me such a memory.


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## Terry D (Jun 29, 2016)

Thanks, everyone for the feedback. I'm drawn to the precision and restriction of haiku, and, while it is easy to come up with something that fits the 5-7-5 format, digging down to a deeper meaning is where I struggle.



ned said:


> hello - lovely phrases in this haiku -
> occasionally star-gaze myself - but that aspect didn't come across, for me
> 
> is the night sky dewy? - does it have to be dewy?
> ...



Thanks, ned. The star-gazing aspect is paramount for me in this piece, so maybe my re-write below will help? I'd love to hear what you think. I do associate viewing the Pleiades with dewy, late summer nights, as Darkkin suggested.



Darkkin said:


> The seven sisters, daughters of Atlas, who holds up the heavens.  Patient eyes looking upon his daughters, safe among the stars.  Spilling across the dewy night, I think works because, pause and consider.  When do you see the Pleiades?  In the very early in September, when the air is crisp and clear, and the dew heavy upon the ground.
> 
> Only nit, the first line: Diamond on velvet is a touch cliche.  A pretty image to be sure, but one that has been seen before.  Look to the story of the sisters, how can you make that first line pop?  The seven were originally turned in doves by Zeus, to protect them from Orion.  e.g. Doves tracing velvet.
> 
> ...



The cliche bothered me too, Darkkin. Thanks for prompting me to change it. What do you think of the result? I'm not as interested in the mythology of the sisters as in the astronomy, so I need to keep my focus on the physical. And on one pedantic note; technically the Pleiades is not a constellation, but an open star cluster. 

Here's my re-write:

Cold velvet burning
Stars enflame a dewy night
Patient eyes reward

I probably just rendered it FUBAR.


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## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2016)

Terry D said:


> Pleiades
> 
> Diamonds on velvet** I was afraid this line would be cliché... not so, the way it was used here is completely fabulous imagery that supports the poetic picture you painted..
> 
> ...



Thanks for a cool read..


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## Terry D (Jun 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Thanks for a cool read..



Thanks very much, Fire! As someone who primarily writes fiction, I like to use poetry as a way to hone the tip of my word-choice needle.


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## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2016)

Hahaa.. I was posting my crit, while you were responding... Terry, clichés become clichés because they are over used, and they are overused sometimes because they work... If used well, as you did here, they can be fabulous and familiar in a good way, because they conjure up beautiful imagery, or provoke a powerful emotion... hope my blathering makes sense...


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## Nellie (Jun 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Terry, clichés become clichés because they are over used, and they are overused sometimes because they work... If used well, as you did here, they can be fabulous and familiar in a good way, because they conjure up beautiful imagery, or provoke a powerful emotion...



I agree. Sometimes those cliches DO work and in this haiku it does, IMO. The 'diamonds on velvet' is what made me want to keep reading this haiku.


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## Terry D (Jun 29, 2016)

It seems I might have been a bit over-sensitized to the cliche. Seventeen little syllables and so much to ponder...


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## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2016)

As a writer of novels, I can only imagine what a challenge this was for you..


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## Terry D (Jun 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> As a writer of novels, I can only imagine what a challenge this was for you..



But a fun one! You know you folks are encouraging a whole slew of astronomy related haiku, don't you? I'm already playing with two more.:moon:


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## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2016)

Terry D said:


> But a fun one! You know you folks are encouraging a whole slew of astronomy related haiku, don't you? I'm already playing with two more.:moon:







:cheers::cheers::cheers::love_heart:.... fabulous.....


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## aj47 (Jun 30, 2016)

I agree with ned about dewy, but am not really satisfied with your rewrite either. I think cliche isn't a bad thing, as cliches have high truth-value.


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## Terry D (Jun 30, 2016)

astroannie said:


> I agree with ned about dewy, but am not really satisfied with your rewrite either. I think cliche isn't a bad thing, as cliches have high truth-value.



I'm not too stoked about the rewrite either. I like the "Spilled" image. But I might swap out "across" and exchange it for 'over'. I really want to use 'above', but that darned second syllable...

Diamonds on velvet
Spilled over the dewy night
Patient eyes reward


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## ned (Jun 30, 2016)

hello - have to say, I prefer the original (doh!) - and I don't see the cliche
of diamonds on velvet, just a strong image.

the ground may be dewy - but the sky is not, whichever way you look at it
Spilled across the scoped night- for example, would resound with the final line, maybe

Ned


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## Terry D (Jun 30, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - have to say, I prefer the original (doh!) - and I don't see the cliche
> of diamonds on velvet, just a strong image.
> 
> the ground may be dewy - but the sky is not, whichever way you look at it
> ...



A more activity-centric version could read like this:

Diamonds on velvet
Mirror and lens capture light
Patient eyes reward

I kinda like that... thanks!


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