# Love Poem



## Squalid Glass (Mar 14, 2012)

A little diddly inspired by SilverMoon. I hope this gets across my thoughts on love. Tear it apart! Thanks.


EDITED VERSION LOWER IN THREAD

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*Love Poem*


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## iykewifey (Mar 14, 2012)

Am moved to comment on this,,, just wrote a peom today,,dedicated to my mother whom 
am missing dearly have not seen her for 4 years now,(*sob*)


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## philistine (Mar 14, 2012)

Would husband.


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## Bachelorette (Mar 14, 2012)

Glass, I'm gong to have to get back to you on this - one thing I will say, it's an interesting take on a love poem - which is good - those can be so difficult to write, because virtually EVERYTHING has been done to death a thousand times over.


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## philistine (Mar 14, 2012)

Bachelorette said:


> Glass, I'm gong to have to get back to you on this - one thing I will say, it's an interesting take on a love poem - which is good - those can be so difficult to write, because *virtually* EVERYTHING has been done to death a thousand times over.



Indeed, but not absolutely everything. Here's one of my favourite love poems, or rather, love lyrics:


It becomes overloaded with passion after that, so I'll spare you the entire thing.


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## Bloggsworth (Mar 14, 2012)

*or –
 “she should sleep with you.”*

Is this a Freudean slip? If not, can I have some of what you've got SG...


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## Bachelorette (Mar 14, 2012)

Okay, SG. The biggest problem I noticed was the wordiness, and also the fact that you’re kind of treading water here, poetically speaking. You have a lot of repetition, and while that can be fine, I think in this case it’s overkill. So, I’ve inconsiderately rewritten your poem for you!

Seriously, though, I’ve attempted to cut off all the excess without altering your wording or meaning. You don’t have to agree with any of this, of course, I’m just trying to demonstrate how it might sound if it was pared down a bit more than what you’ve currently got. I’ve also made a few notes on how I think the content itself could be improved.



Overall, you’ve got the basis for a really nice poem here, but it does need some work. I look forward to any revisions you may post. Thanks for sharing, as always.


RE: Philistine - Right. You CAN write a fresh-sounding love poem (primarily if you focus on the object of your affection, and make it about their uniqueness, IMO). But it's still tricky.


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## Squalid Glass (Mar 14, 2012)

Not sure I follow, bloggs.

Bachelorette - I was actually hoping this would come off as an anti love poem. Is it not doing that? It's really supposed to be about how the love poem is surface and fickle, and how I really just want the reaction, "oh that's nice" to my poems.


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## Bachelorette (Mar 14, 2012)

Ohhh... then no, that's not how it came across to me. I got that the lines in quotes were supposed to be humorous, but I didn't connect that to any kind of irony. But like I said, that's just how _I_ read it; maybe other people will get it?

I still stand by my original comments that it was a bit too repetitive and wordy, but now that I can look at this in a new light, maybe I'll be able to get back to you on it with other suggestions.


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## SilverMoon (Mar 15, 2012)

Glass - My shoulders giggled reading this. Well,we do know what this is about! And thanks for crediting me with inspiration! An honored first for me! But I am now going to remove myself from the memories of our talks (just for the meantime, my friend"!) and read this with eyes of a stranger. 

I'm just going to give you an example how I think it might be presented more cleary to the reader. Just something maybe to mess around with. Ok here I go.


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## Bloggsworth (Mar 15, 2012)

Perhaps it is because I can't work out wherether the poem starts at _I've never written a love poem_ or at _I've never written a love poem, _perhaps the _I've never written a love poem _that starts at the first line is a preamble to the later part... I have taken the unilateral decision to concentrate on the larger part, which to me, seems to waver between the concrete and the imaginary, is it happening or isn't it? I have, as requested, dismantled it and taken the liberty of reassembling it - I think it is still your poem and not mine...


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## Gisele9 (Mar 15, 2012)

Love it. Really unique. Anti love in some ways and real but without being jaded or over the top.


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## Squalid Glass (Mar 17, 2012)

Thank you all for the wonderful critiques. Here is my edit.


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*Love Poem*


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## Bloggsworth (Mar 17, 2012)

Spot on SG - But I bet that over the next few weeks you will still be finding ways to make it even better...


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## nathanmb (Mar 22, 2012)

I love it. I obviously am pretty young, but believe me, I understand it. Amazing work!


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