# Loneliness



## JadedHeart (Mar 19, 2015)

*Loneliness*

Sitting alone in the darkness
A hole where my heart use to be
Feeling only the emptiness
Willing death to come for me

Loneliness is my only friend
Letting me suffer away from others
No one can make the pain end
Not even the love of another​


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## Sonata (Mar 20, 2015)

I like it Jade but I think the second line in the second verse is too long.  I think that "Letting instead of "Allowing" and deleting the "to" makes if flow easier.

Loneliness is my only friend
 Letting me  suffer away from others
No one can make the pain end
Not even the love of another​


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## inkwellness (Mar 20, 2015)

This is a lovely piece. I was left wondering what the speaker was lonely about, or what had caused it. By mentioning the love of another, I might assume that it may be a poem about loss. (I'm just guessing here). 

I agree with Sonata's suggestion. It would flow better. You put an effort into writing and I find that to be commendable.


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## JadedHeart (Mar 20, 2015)

This mainly has to do with depression. Or at least my depression, where even when I'm not alone I still feel lonely. I can be surrounded by people who love me, but still feel alone. 

And I agree Sonata, it does flow better that way  Thanks!


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## Firemajic (Mar 20, 2015)

Jade--- you are gaining in confidence, and this melancholy poem is proof... Your rhythm has vastly improved.  Sonata is absolutely correct. Work on that line.... rethink it... It is awesome to watch you spread your poetic wings... I hope to watch you fly.... Peace always... Jul


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## Blade (Mar 20, 2015)

:champagne:Nice. Another way of solving line 6 would be to drop the word 'away' though that would alter the meaning somewhat.:encouragement:


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## JadedHeart (Mar 20, 2015)

Just taking out "away" would alter the meaning, but I do agree that it can be reworded. How about this? 

Loneliness is my only friend
Keeping my suffering from others
No one can make the pain end
Not even the love of another​


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## jenthepen (Mar 20, 2015)

I liked your poem a lot, JH and your edit works really well.

jen


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## Blade (Mar 21, 2015)

JadedHeart said:


> Just taking out "away" would alter the meaning, but I do agree that it can be reworded. How about this?
> 
> Loneliness is my only friend
> Keeping my suffering from others
> ...



:sunny: Great. It is a smooth read, you don't 'notice any particular words.:encouragement:


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## escorial (Mar 21, 2015)

solid piece of work..liked


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## yogodiexhoods (Mar 21, 2015)

JadedHeart said:


> *Loneliness*
> 
> Sitting alone in the darkness
> A hole where my heart use to be
> ...



I've been in this situation before. If one is still suffering from a pain that not even the love of another person could mend it, I believe it is a situation where one is too into their own head-space. I know how hard it could be to allow another person to enter to one's heart after being into your own head-space the majority of the time, when one allow their heart to be open to others, magical things could really happen in their lives.


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## JadedHeart (Mar 21, 2015)

yogodiexhoods said:


> I've been in this situation before. If one is still suffering from a pain that not even the love of another person could mend it, I believe it is a situation where one is too into their own head-space. I know how hard it could be to allow another person to enter to one's heart after being into your own head-space the majority of the time, when one allow their heart to be open to others, magical things could really happen in their lives.



I totally agree with you, but I have no problem letting people into my head. It's my heart that's harder to penetrate. I've been betrayed so many times by the ones I have let in, that I am much more guarded about who I do let in.


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## Carousel (Mar 22, 2015)

I took this as a poem on depression which is a medical condition. Of course being rejected or cast aside can make us depressed but that’s far different to the actual illness of depression.

Loneliness is my only friend
Letting me suffer away from others

These two lines tell the reader all they want to know about your depression                                   but how can we make the reader actual feel that depression? In poetry we do that by creating an image, not by a statement’ for example: 

Seeking the edge of the crowd
Where loneliness is my friend

Well ok but I want the loneliness to reflect on the reader. So I could delete the personal ‘my’ change it to ‘a’
 Seeking the edge of the crowd
Where loneliness is a friend

I could embrace the feel of loneliness by ‘Welcoming loneliness as a friend’ 
Or shortened to— 'Welcome loneliness as a friend’.

And so on till we are happy, but then the lines we write have to fit the overall beat and rhythm of the poem so maybe more work will be required.

 This is only my approach of the nuts and bolts of to writing poetry, nothing more that that. If something appeals, that’s fine. If it doesn't then that’s fine too.

Regards Cari.


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## Nellie (Mar 22, 2015)

JadedHeart,

Since you stated that this is a poem dealing with depression, I think you should leave it as is, stating how _you_ feel. When one is in the realm of depression, none on the outside can understand what is going on inside our head(s), so IMO, it needs to be a personal message. 



			
				Carousel said:
			
		

> Loneliness is my only friend
> Letting me suffer away from others
> 
> These two lines tell the reader all they want to know about your depression but how can we make the reader actual feel that depression? In poetry we do that by creating an image, not by a statement’ for example:
> ...



In true clinical depression, there is NO way that another person can actually FEEL what the person suffering from depression is feeling. Sure, we've all been a bit depressed at times, but there is a HUGE difference. So I don't see how anyone can "_welcome_ loneliness as a friend." I have been there and loneliness is NOT a welcomed friend of mine.


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## JadedHeart (Mar 22, 2015)

Nellie said:


> JadedHeart,
> 
> Since you stated that this is a poem dealing with depression, I think you should leave it as is, stating how _you_ feel. When one is in the realm of depression, none on the outside can understand what is going on inside our head(s), so IMO, it needs to be a personal message.
> 
> ...



I couldn't have said it any better than that. I was going to respond as soon as I was able to get to my computer, but you beat me to it! You're right, clinical depression is not what just anyone can understand. Only those who have experienced it, or are currently experiencing it, can truly understand this level of loneliness. Though I hope that this piece can at least give a little insight to anyone who has a friend or a loved one who struggles with depression.


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## Carousel (Mar 22, 2015)

Nellie said:


> JadedHeart,
> 
> Since you stated that this is a poem dealing with depression, I think you should leave it as is, stating how _you_ feel. When one is in the realm of depression, none on the outside can understand what is going on inside our head(s), so IMO, it needs to be a personal message.
> 
> In true clinical depression, there is NO way that another person can actually FEEL what the person suffering from depression is feeling. Sure, we've all been a bit depressed at times, but there is a HUGE difference. So I don't see how anyone can "_welcome_ loneliness as a friend." I have been there and loneliness is NOT a welcomed friend of mine.



Sorry but you completely miss the point. Being on the edge of the crowd simply means you don’t want to engage with anyone, indeed you welcome being alone and left alone, exactly as Jade said in the first and second line of the 2nd stanza.

Loneliness is my only friend
Letting me suffer away from others

Seeking the edge of the crowd
Where loneliness is my friend

Both the two lines carry the same meaning; I was merely suggesting that one infers more of an image to the reader.

If we cannot arouse any feeling in our readers, why are we writing poetry, as a form of self therapy?


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## JadedHeart (Mar 22, 2015)

Carousel,

I'm sorry that I misunderstood your first post. My brain wasn't fully functioning this morning.  I'm now thinking that this piece could use some revamping. I think that the 2 stanzas are not enough to fully portray what I want to say.

Though I do love being alone, in the physical sense, I can't stand the feeling of being alone. It's kind of hard to explain. For me, I am hardly ever alone. I almost always have my kids around, though I lack any kind of contact with adults. And though I may be surrounded by family and friends, I still feel alone. 

As far as that stanza in concerned, I'm not sure how I would rewrite the 3rd and 4th lines to make them fit the change. I will take another look at it tonight, seeing as I am in a similar mindset tonight as I was when I wrote it. 

Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it. I do struggle with major clinical depression. I should be taking medication for it, but I choose not to since it takes away all my emotions. I can't write what I feel if I feel nothing at all.

Thanks again
Jade


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## dannyboy (Mar 23, 2015)

show us what you mean with images, rather tell us how you feel.

So on the edge of a crowd is better (there is a visual there) than loneliness is my only friend. First is the beginning of poetry for an audience, the latter is personal poetry for oneself.


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## Darkkin (Mar 23, 2015)

JadedHeart said:


> *Loneliness*
> 
> Sitting alone in the darkness
> A hole where my heart use to be
> ...




This piece is clean and speaking, but there is room for improvement.  Punctuation can be a wonderful tool in poetry, especially in shorter pieces, speaking where no words can.  It lends rhythm that otherwise, might be too subtle to see.

ie:  Playing off a variation of the first line:  Sitting, alone in the darkness.  Try putting the emphasis on the verb.  Draw the reader in with those simple, clean actions.  With a measured piece like this the pattern can transfer very neatly onto sbsequent lines:  Feeling, only the emptiness.  This is where things can get interesting,  

Poetry, unlike standard writing is a bit more visceral.  You can play with alignment and spacings, and it can add tremendously to the aesthestics of a piece.  You're talking about the emptiness.  Let the reader see it, make them feel that echo.  I know elipses are frowned upon, but when used sparingly and done correctly, like a good pinch of pepper, they can pop.  A reworking on the third line:  Feeling...emptiness.

The fourth line: Again, you can highlight the verb, and that is also one of my favourite things about this piece, the action, though subtle, is front and center.  ie: Willing: _Death, come for me.  _You have the opportunity to bring the reader inside your head.  Let them see the emotions, don't just leave it as a statement.

There is tremendous potential with this piece, you're taking something that is a tangled morass, emotion, and turning it into something linear and stark.  It is a study of contrasts that can be stunning.

Sorry if this seems like an overblown analysis, but I love pieces that make me think.  This one did.

- Darkkin, the Tedious


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## JadedHeart (Mar 23, 2015)

Thanks Darkkin! Your analysis was perfect! I love your ideas on how to improve this piece. I'm still working on the edit, so I will incorporate your advice into the new edit. 

Thank you all so much for your ideas. I am a beginner when it comes to writing, so all advice is welcome.  Jade


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## JadedHeart (Mar 23, 2015)

Here is the newest edit. I'm not sure what to do with line 2 and the second stanza could use some work as well. ](*,) Jade
*

Loneliness*

Sitting, alone in the darkness.
A void where my heart use to be.
Feeling… emptiness.
Willing: Death, come for me.

Seeking, the edge of the crowd.
Where loneliness is a friend.
Love, forever vowed.
Won't save me, in the end.​


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