# To Change, The Man Chose Otherwise



## Space Cadet (Jul 29, 2017)

​His cabinet was dirty.  He said he needed beer. 
I pictured his now mid-twenties 
pre-belly piled above that same brass belt buckle. 
He wore it our last visit a few years back.  
"The cabinet—yes. It needs cleaned.”
“How dirty is the clutter?” I asked…“In relation to the size of the cabinet.”
“It’s a big cabinet.”  He seemed proud.
So, I naturally assumed the soup cans needed stacked, 
organized by type, donated if expired, with pasta past its prime 
for a last ditch chance of an al dente future  
with a generic jar of tomato sauce, hoping this time it'd be different.  
“Of course, it’s not the clutter, it’s the dirt.  The dust, I presume…Correct?”
“Right.” He seemed proud again.
Over the phone, I thought I heard the cabinet doors 
swing wide open, above the stained kitchen sink, 
rusted rings of half-empty ravioli cans hung at high noon 
from forks spiking out their brims.
Suddenly, the doors slammed shut in a gust of scurrying dust balls; 
the barkeep cream of broccoli ducks behind the corner bar; 
a lone old-timer adjusts his ramen noodle hat on his salty, balding head; 
everyone moves slow to the back wall.  A tumble weed blows past 
the corner, green bean saloon and a gaggle of stale saltines 
wearing short, fishnet stockings with baked bean smiles 
that could easily be ignored at just the right hour of night, 
when he was “just the right amount of drunk.”


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## sas (Jul 29, 2017)

Kitchen business:
cleaned/cleaning? stacked/stacking?

Gosh, I hate words like "Suddenly". 

Should the word "now" be on second line? I didn't think that made sense. Hmmm. I might say "propped now" on third line. 

On the run. Back later. Cool poem. Do people still say cool?


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## Space Cadet (Jul 29, 2017)

sas said:


> Kitchen business:
> cleaned/cleaning? stacked/stacking?
> 
> Gosh, I hate words like "Suddenly".
> ...




Thanks for the comment, Sas.  Sorry for the use of "Suddenly".  Believe it or not, it was capitalized at the point of creation, like in a script?  Do you have any other recommendations?.  The "now" in the second line can be omitted because the fourth line does indicate the gap in time when we lasted visited.  

I like your suggestion of changing to "propped now" but felt I needed another verb that seemed a bit messier.  Thank you so much for your helpfulness and pointing these things out. 

This poem was a fun exercise for me.  I think it's merely my attempt at imitating James Tate in my own voice.  It was an actual phone call and the conversation was in fact as sloppy as it appears here.  

And yes, "Cool" is still used.  "Groovy" is still used, sometimes.  "Far out" is reserved for The Dude.  Thank you again, sas.  -- Wesley


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## sas (Jul 29, 2017)

Just different way:

[FONT=&Verdana]He wore it our last visit a few years *before* (back.)
I know you are not trying to rhyme, but "back" is so abrupt, I feel "before" sounds much better on that line with assonance: wore/before

I'd make two sentences here:

[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]Over the phone, I thought I heard the cabinet doors 
swing wide open, above the stained kitchen sink. [/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]*Rusted* rings of half-empty ravioli cans hung at high noon 
[FONT=&Verdana]from forks spiking out *of t*heir brims.

[/FONT](Suddenly, the) *Doors* slammed shut in a gust of scurrying dust balls; [FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana](the) barkeep cream of broccoli *hides* (ducks) behind the corner bar;   (changed for assonance, only)

[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]everyone moves slow to the (back) wall. A tumble weed blows
*passed (*[/FONT]*the corner) a green bean saloon*, passed a gaggle of stale saltines [FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]wearing short, fishnet stockings with baked bean smiles,
(that could easily be) *which are *ignored at just the right hour of night,  (alliteration: short/fishnet/which)
[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]when he was “just the right amount of drunk.”

Personally, I think you wrote this better than James Tate would have.  He is not a fav, of mine. [/FONT]


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## sas (Jul 29, 2017)

duplicate


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## Darren White (Jul 30, 2017)

Love it Wesley, this made me laugh : )

One question about this:


> A tumble weed blows passed
> the corner, green bean saloon, passed a gaggle of stale saltines



"blows passed"  shouldn't it be "blows past"?
And if you prefer "passed", then shouldn't you delete "blows"?


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## Space Cadet (Sep 17, 2017)

Darren White said:


> Love it Wesley, this made me laugh : )
> 
> One question about this:
> 
> ...




Yes, thank you!  Correcting.


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## Space Cadet (Sep 17, 2017)

sas said:


> Just different way:
> 
> [FONT=&Verdana]He wore it our last visit a few years *before* (back.)
> I know you are not trying to rhyme, but "back" is so abrupt, I feel "before" sounds much better on that line with assonance: wore/before
> ...




Thank you, Sas.  I like all your notes.  I'm going to post the updated version below.  Thank you so much.  So grateful for your kind words and taking the time to read and critique this.  Best, Wesley


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## Space Cadet (Sep 17, 2017)

Space Cadet said:


> Thank you, Sas. Your notes are so helpful.  I'm going to post the updated version below.  Thank you so much.  So grateful for your kind words and taking the time to read and critique this.  Best, Wesley






​His cabinet was dirty. He said he needed beer. 
I pictured his now mid-twenties 
pre-belly piled above that same brass belt buckle. 
He wore it our last visit a few years back.  
"The cabinet—yes. It needs cleaned.”
“How dirty is the clutter?” I asked…“In relation to the size of the cabinet.”
“It’s a big cabinet.” He seemed proud.
So, I naturally assumed the soup cans needed stacked, 
organized by type, donated if expired, with pasta past its prime 
for a last ditch chance of an al dente future  
with a generic jar of tomato sauce, hoping this time it'd be different.  
“Of course, it’s not the clutter, it’s the dirt. The dust, I presume…Correct?”
“Right.” He seemed proud again.
Over the phone, I thought I heard the cabinet doors 
swing wide open, above the stained kitchen sink. 
Rusted rings of half-empty ravioli cans hung at high noon 
from forks spiking out of their brims.
The doors slammed shut in a gust of scurrying dust balls; 
barkeep cream of broccoli hides behind the corner bar; 
a lone old-timer adjusts his ramen noodle hat on his salty, balding head; 
everyone moves slow to the back wall. A tumble weed blows passed 
the green bean saloon, passed a gaggle of stale saltines
in short, fishnet stockings with baked bean smiles, 
which are ignored at just the right hour of night, 
when he was “just the right amount of drunk.”


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## Space Cadet (Sep 17, 2017)

Space Cadet said:


> Thank you, Sas. Your notes are so helpful.  I'm going to post the updated version below.  Thank you so much.  So grateful for your kind words and taking the time to read and critique this.  Best, Wesley






​His cabinet was dirty. He said he needed beer. 
I pictured his now mid-twenties 
pre-belly piled above that same brass belt buckle. 
He wore it our last visit a few years back.  
"The cabinet—yes. It needs cleaned.”
“How dirty is the clutter?” I asked…“In relation to the size of the cabinet.”
“It’s a big cabinet.” He seemed proud.
So, I naturally assumed the soup cans needed stacked, 
organized by type, donated if expired, with pasta past its prime 
for a last ditch chance of an al dente future  
with a generic jar of tomato sauce, hoping this time it'd be different.  
“Of course, it’s not the clutter, it’s the dirt. The dust, I presume…Correct?”
“Right.” He seemed proud again.
Over the phone, I thought I heard the cabinet doors 
swing wide open, above the stained kitchen sink. 
Rusted rings of half-empty ravioli cans hung at high noon 
from forks spiking out of their brims.
The doors slammed shut in a gust of scurrying dust balls; 
barkeep cream of broccoli hides behind the corner bar; 
a lone old-timer adjusts his ramen noodle hat on his salty, balding head; 
everyone moves slow to the back wall. A tumble weed blows passed 
the green bean saloon, passed a gaggle of stale saltines
in short, fishnet stockings with baked bean smiles, 
which are ignored at just the right hour of night, 
when he was “just the right amount of drunk.”


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## sas (Sep 18, 2017)

Nice rewrite. Not sure when posted.  Did I miss it?

One word is off: "stacked"...

"So, I naturally assumed the soup cans needed stacked"

I assume mistake. How about "needed to be stacked" (needed/be) instead of "stacking"?


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## Pete_C (Sep 20, 2017)

This has a nice pace to it, and I think some of the more colloquial phrasing for speech adds to the overall tone. There's a few places where it could be tightened up. Some of the speech could be tucked in slightly, for example.

The last line is great, but for me it could be stronger as the build-up almost slips a bit off kilter given the main body of the piece.


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## Space Cadet (Sep 26, 2017)

Pete_C said:


> This has a nice pace to it, and I think some of the more colloquial phrasing for speech adds to the overall tone. There's a few places where it could be tightened up. Some of the speech could be tucked in slightly, for example.
> 
> The last line is great, but for me it could be stronger as the build-up almost slips a bit off kilter given the main body of the piece.




Thanks for reading.  I appreciate the comments/critique.  I agree it loses the build up.  The story isn't even that interesting.  I think I need to throw a dog in there somewhere or a reason why he's cleaning his cabinets.  I like the idea that I'm talking to him on the phone.  What do you think?   The characters in the cabinet saloon could all be name brand?  

Or generic brands?  

This should be a really simple scene surrounded by absurdity, looking back on it.  

Dialogue needs cleaned up or changed a bit too.  Thank you for all the help and all that you do.  Best, Wesley


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