# March 2014 - LM - Unexpectedly Nude - Scores



## Fin (Apr 2, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Unexpectedly Nude


A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Gavrushka, thepancreas11, Dictarium and Jon M for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Gavrushka**thepancreas11**Dictarium**Jon M**Average**Jake Creamer*141410.51413.12*”Practical Problems. . . “ by Staff Deployment*1511.510.51713.5*Pluralized*16.51319.51616.25*TheYellowMustang*1818.5161817.62*midnightpoet*1411.5141513.62*escorial*14.51315.51514.5*W. Dallas*1613.517.51716*Pidgeon84*141117.51113.37*InkwellMachine*1716201617.25*Stormageddon*16.516161315.37*ppsage*16.5912.51914.25*spartan928*15.516.517.51716.62*Ghosts of the Maze*151514.51414.62*”Save Me” by Folcro*17.51312.51213.75*thepancreas11*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudges Entry*TheWriteStuff*151613.51414.62*Kevin*14.510.519.51715.37*”(Un)clothed by words” by InstituteMan*16.512.5161414.75*”Nude” by lasm*14.514171815.87*Gargh*151219.751415.18*”By the light of four candles” by bazz cargo*151011.51011.62

In first place, congratulations to *TheYellowMustang* with her entry *Senseless.*
In second, we have *InkwellMachine* with his entry *Something Alive, All Dark and Glistening.*
In third place we have *spartan928* with his entry *Unexpectedly Nude.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Gavrushka’s scores]

_*Jake Creamer*_*
“Failed charisma check."
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:14
*_
Firstly, this was an enjoyable story well composed. Its pace was good, although sometimes a little laboured. I guessed the ending as I’d come close to the end, but that does not detract as the prompt would not be known to the average reader._

_The story telling does not need much work, but the grammar did drag it down a little. – Be careful about using ‘that’ when referring to a person – use who or whom._


> the type of man *that* one...


 
At times, sentences were a little wordy and trimming would have helped the delivery. – There were still formatting errors, but I did not mark you down for them.

A good first effort, which I enjoyed.



__
_*Anonymous*_*
“Practical Problems & Brute-Force Solutions"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*_

What a breath of fresh air! It’s not an approach I’d expected, and it did raise a few smiles as I read on. – Refined, and expanded on a bit, this could make for a very popular story._

_At times, it did feel a little disjoint, and I have the impression this was written by someone who let their imagination erupt. – Perhaps this is why it feels so fresh. – I don’t recognise the style, so I am wondering if this is a first time entrant (during my tenure); I hope to see more by the same author!_

_I could have spent a lifetime thinking, and never come up with this use of the prompt! _
__
_*Pluralized*_*
“Torch"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*_

I think you need to be careful about food additives; they seem to be having quite an effect! _

_I loved this. I laughed and chuckled from one end to the other. It was so damned flippant, surreal and awesome. – I am convinced you’ve invented a new style, and can only write whilst in the midst of an episode which bears a long medical name._

_I thought I’d spotted an oops, but it was within dialogue and could well have been a regional thing, so I did not mention it._

_A great use of both prompt and allocation of words. – Well done!_

__
_*TheYellowMustang*_*
“Senseless"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9.5
Overall:18*_

What an unexpected piece. – This is turning into a great month to be judging._

_It takes immense skill to hide the intent from a reader and then wack them with the punch line so hard that they are left reeling whilst applauding. Like ‘Sixth Sense’, I never saw this coming. – You’ve done a superb job and I challenge you to do equally well in next month’s competition!_

_The flow of the story throughout was close to perfect... Aww and I’ve just realised some of the earlier lines haver double meanings... The granddad... Damn... Very, very clever! (and it was a good line even with its misdirected meaning.)_

_There were a couple of minor grammar oopses, but they did little to detract from a beautifully composed story. _



> fluorescent lights above us flicks and hums


 
It would read better if you used ‘flick and hum’. 


__
_*midnightpoet*_*
“The Hole"
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14*_

It’s an absorbing and fulfilling tale. Complete within the boundaries of 650 words, it encompasses everything a short story needs, with a great resolution at the end. This month, as every month I’ve judged, you’ve demonstrated your ability as a good storyteller._

_There’s always a ‘but’ though isn’t there? – It’s a bit wordy at time, and some of the grammar issues did jar... – I’ll look at just the first paragraph to give you an idea of what I mean:_



> Jim "Tubby" Williams lit his last cigarette with one of the remaining few matches *that he had* in his pocket.


 
_I feel you could remove ‘that he had’._



> ...feeling the warm smoke sear his lungs...


 
_I’d rather have read ‘hot smoke sear his lungs’, as warm and sear don’t fit together for me._



> Vietnamese store owner *that* gave him the matches...


 
_I’m sure it should be ‘who’ and not ‘that’._
_===_

_You have the voice, the imagination and the storytelling ability, and in time your grammar will catch up. – I know how frustrating it is, as I struggled (still struggle) for many years._




__
_*Escorial*_*
“Caravan"
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:14.5
*_
You conjured some great imagery, and turned the mundane into an interesting read. I did enjoy the ‘window would frame many different views of the same scene’... – You can see you have the heart of a poet, and it melded well with your prose. I smiled at the conclusion – it fitted well. _

_If not for the grammar, you’d have been right up there. – A few oopses here and there, but they’ll lessen with time. If you read out the first paragraph, you’ll see the word caravan is over-used. You could refer to it as an ‘it’ or ‘holiday home’ just to mix it up a bit._

_I’m delighted you entered, as I enjoy reading your words. – Make sure this is not a one off!

_
_*W. Dallas*_*
“White Willey"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16
*_
An unusual story, and a very unusual narrator’s voice. Felt like a tenuous link to the prompt, but I let it slide... It did work, but gave me a damned headache, as I was left with little chance of knowing what was dialect and what was error. – Still, it was effective, and had a moral element to it too._

_I am not sure how well this translates outside of the US. – Yes, there were areas I struggled with, but I could still see the value in the prose. I think it is a great first entry, but care has to be given to over-regionalising a piece. – I am not sure this does fall into that category, and it will be a benefit for me to read the comments of other judges BUT the fact remains; you write well.

_
_*Pidgeon84*_*
“Sunny Side Up"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5 
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14*_

A very good use of the prompt, and unexpected conclusion. – I’d wondered how you could arrive at a fulfilling end for the reader, but you did. I smiled in relief at it, underlining my empathy for the protagonist. Well done! _

_For such a short piece, I don’t think the opening paragraph was as compact as it should have been. – I think establishing the protagonist had been drinking and was in a different apartment would have been enough, and it felt a little laboured.  – _

_‘A large closet made of oak’ could be reduced to ‘A Large oak closet’ _

_‘The sun had moved past the crack in the shades on the glass doors *that lead out* to the balcony.’  ‘That lead (led) out’ could be cut._

_And I think it is ‘brought me to’ not ‘brought me too’   - I confuse this word when ‘pulling the door too (to)’._

_An entertaining piece of prose that would improve with a little compacting, but the central story is a great one!_ 



__
_*Inkwellmachine*_*
“Something Alive, All Dark and Glistening"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall:17*_

It’s hard to remember I’m just reading words. Yours form into lurid images. – What a brilliant damned ending! I could see it, and I would have wished it to be otherwise, as my breakfast threatened an encore._

_And that’s why I felt so damned angry with a sentence in the first paragraph I may never have noticed in other prose... – You see your words are about surrender. – Let the vivid images flow over you, and flow through the story until you crawl out the far side, scraping at your eyeballs._



> _Beside my nail, the skin was dry and flaking_,


 
_I read it as ‘apart from my nail’, and that left me all cross as I had to re-read and it interrupted the flow. – I was probably over-sensitised when I grumbled at the ‘to look’ in the preceding line. Anyhow, I thought it should have read ‘The skin beside my nail was dry and flaking’._

_You should have posted this in the secure area to maintain your first rights on the piece. – Correcting that one hideous world-destroying oops, it should be published._





__
_*Stormageddon*_*
“Unexpectedly Nude"
Spelling/Grammar:4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8.5
Overall:16.5*_

A beautifully written tale with the promise of further adventures in the making. Plenty of well-considered words and delightful imagery made this a joy to read._

_I think with a few more hours, this story could have had a nine for effect, but fell just below here and there. I wanted to see the word ‘and’  at the end of the second sentence, or even a semi colon after ‘but a dead sea’ as it felt a little like a superb piece of prose had taken the form of a list._



> ..._but I awoke on a damp bed of grass *to find myself* quite naked_...


 
_I’d have been happier without ‘to find myself’._

_



			quite astoundingly
		
Click to expand...

_ 
_Perhaps you were limited by word count, but I’d rather you’d robbed a few words and illustrated astounded, because you do that very well.

_
_*ppsage*_*
“Trader Joe & the Orkonani Tangle"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5
*_
I take a deep breath, clutch a dictionary in sweaty palm, and read... I breezed past supraluminal, confidence mounting, and then stumbled on the next sentence... But it didn’t matter. The last time I read your entry, I tried too hard. – I tried to seek the depth of meaning rather than embracing what every reader should, and that’s enjoyment of the prose. – And I did. Immensely._

_The imagery was very clever, and I particularly enjoyed the bell-jar aura. (After a duckduckgo to check I was right about the meaning!  )_

_Perhaps I read this differently to others, but I see it as an expanse of clever prose sprinkled over a bed of mirth and chuckles. –It made me feel good to read it, and it didn’t matter that at times I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. _
__
_*Spartan928
“Unexpectedly Nude"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8.5
Overall:15.5*

LOL! You mad fool!  This was delightfully flippant and thoroughly enjoyable.  – You should have called it ‘exposure’, and I’ll forgive the slight pushing of prompt boundaries._

_You’re quite a master of dialogue, and I’d not fault that. – I chuckled many times as I read through the ‘uncomfortable’ exchanges._

_There were a couple of gripes. – I think you should have considered using pronouns a little more. – One is male, the other female, so there is no chance of confusion, but at one point you used their names three times in two sentences. – He and she would have felt better for me._

_



			Jelani looked back at the herd and then back at Thomas.
		
Click to expand...

_
_This didn’t feel a pleasant sentence, and could have been better served by ‘Jelani glanced back at the herd.’ _

_I hope you write more, in a similar style. – Humour is a great strength of yours, so exploit it!
_
_*Ghosts of the Maze*_*
“Winter Weight"
Spelling/Grammar:4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:15*_

I think many people will empathise with Caroline. I must admit, I wanted to shove a pair of sweaty socks in Deborah’s mouth too. – SO as regards a story, and reader empathy, you get 100%._

_I think there was a little confusion for me as to what was going on in Caroline’s head. – Perhaps that is a good thing, as it allows the story to be interpreted in different ways. – She threw him out, and then rued the life she could have had. – It underlines just what a hard decision it had been. – Still, for this particular reader I think I would have been happier with it spelled out a little clearer._

_Gah, but would I know... I am called Gary! LOL

_
_*Anonymous*_*
“Save me"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8.5
Overall:17.5*_

If anyone wants to know how to do ‘atmospheric’ I’d say this piece was a good place to start. It’s skilfully written, and even the structure – the physical appearance of the prose – adds to the atmosphere. It feels like you accelerate through the piece as the menace grows. – Grammar rules are broken continually, but each time with good reason. –It’s a confident piece from a great writer._

_Only criticism – I’d have ended the story three paragraphs earlier with daddy telling her she is safe. Continuing beyond, lessened the effect and, more importantly, cost you half a mark! 

_
_*thepancreas11*_*
“Honey"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall: Judge entry*


_I could never have foreseen this! What an inspired ending. – You must have one seriously disturbed imagination to come up with this. I chuckled at your cleverness!_

_I would have preferred this in the past tense. – Using the present made it feel a little harder to read for me. – I can’t really fault it otherwise._



__
_*TheWriteStuff*_*
“Alaskan Summer Sun"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:15*_

I assume the link to the prompt was the exposure of the lives of the people in the story? If it was, it could be considered tenuous, but I will let it slide._

_This was a very good scene, well written, but it did have the feeling of a part of something bigger. You related the drab and dreary in a way that entertained, yet still embraced the sombre/depressing nature of the scene. – I wanted to read on, but the story ended..._

_ I did enjoy it, for you write well, but I wish you’d used a few more of the words to single out someone, link all you’d said together, and completed the story arc.

_
_*Kevin*_*
“morphogenic fields"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:14.5*_

Well, once again prose to stretch my mind a little. I had to check what a morphogenic field was. I had to read the explanation twice! _


_I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much punctuation crammed into each sentence, and I believe the cadence is reflective of the drug taking. I did find it a little hard to read, as the commas caused me to stutter, and sometimes lose track and I’d have to go back and reassemble the sentence. – I felt a little like an outsider, viewing a piece I should understand, but could not._

_Without a doubt, an adventurous attempt that will gain better favour with those wiser than I.
_
_*Anonymous*_*
“(Un)clothed by words"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*


_What an enjoyable story about a girl writing a story about a girl... I could become trapped in a logic loop there! – I loved how she was ‘the girl’, almost her own narrator. It was an effective and unexpected piece. Well done._

_ The imagery was great, and I imagine anyone who read this, could draw a detailed picture of the scene. _

_There were one or two issues of wordiness, or slightly clumsy sentences, which I am sure could have been ironed out with another read or two._



> Watching discretely, she watched


 
I don’t think I need to add anything there! 

A great effort, and in a hand I did not recognise. – I do hope you enter again.

__
_*Anonymous*_*
“Nude"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14.5*_

A poignant story, well told. What struck me most strongly was the tale that would never be told as Sarah was dead, her part over._

_At times, I felt the language was a little clunky, especially in the opening paragraph. If you look at the last phrase in a couple of those sentences, you’ll see removing them removes nothing other than their words. – Perhaps ‘surely all was right and proper here’ would have been more effective as a separate sentence._

_There was some good imagery here, but maybe a sentence or two too many. – That’s no more than my preference, but I felt it adversely altered the flow of the story._

_I think this was just on the wrong side of being a very much higher score from me and, compacted, the same story could have been right up there.

_
_*Gargh*_*
“From all sides"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*


_You make a good case for the reader to care for your protagonist, and set a very sombre scene in the opening paragraph._



> Silence preceded a screech that deafened,


_Amidst all the noise of aircraft, sirens and bombs dropping this becomes so very effective. It's not just the physical silence, but the moment of shock where the mind cannot comprehend the immensity of all that has happened. _

_I liked the focus on nakedness. – It’s the kind of thing that does focus your mind, even if you’re missing a limb. – Almost everything specific to the protagonist felt real, but the scene they were in was a little less coherent. - I can't really elaborate or point to a specific sentence but the character stood out as far better presented that the scene they were in._

_You do write well, and your characters have depth.

_
_*Anonymous*_*
“By the light of four candles"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*_

What a surprising encore! (The entry came in after I’d thought my month’s work done.) It raised a few smiles as I read it. Light-hearted, done well, has universal appeal._

_At times, it did have a slight feel of a screenplay about it. (Or how I’d imagine a screenplay to be.) – I think this added to the appeal, so well done if it was intentional._

_Some sentences did feel a little strange. ‘Inside the room is the light of four candles’ was a peculiar opening and, although I read it several times, I could not make my mind up on how I felt._

_The adverbs did jar a little, and considering there were another 250 words to play with, it reinforced the ‘screenplay’ feel of the piece._

_There were one or two ill considered words too: ‘barely any creak’ would have been better as ‘barely a creak’, for example._

_BUT the story worked as intended; it left me with a smile.
_
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=thepancreas11’s scores]

*Jake Creamer
Failed Charisma Check
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect:  6.5
Overall: 14*

It’s a cute little story, not something I was expecting from the topic, but something we can all kind of relate to, most of us being dreamers. I can see the way he really escapes into his second life here, the way that so many people do, and I can empathize with him.

I marked you off because you’re really telling me all these things instead of showing me, though. “There was nothing about him to give away the fact that he really was a dreamer.” Why say this? Why not show it? Plus, he’s not really a catchy character the way you’ve described him. “Average this, average that”; that’s what I’m reading here. Give him something likable, something real. He’s mumbling countercurses to himself in the line for the grocery store with his fizzy drink six-pack. You can definitely create this guy with the action you’ve already described.

Not sure where the end it going. It’s a nice surprise and all, but it feels sewn onto the story, like it’s not really attached. It doesn’t flow with the voice or the rhythm. You’ve got all the hype built up, but that really lets the air out here. It’s a nice way of throwing him off his game, but I don’t know, maybe put something into the story to suggest that there’s something special about _this particular game_?

There is a bit of a stream of consciousness section in there somewhere when he’s talking about the GM and the necro. That would be better as dialogue out of his own mouth so that we can see it ramble from his mind. That could have a bigger impact on his character if you contextualize it properly.

Some weird sentences, but nothing impossible to read. Good job.


*Anonymous
Practical Problems & Brute-Force Solutions
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect:  5
Overall: 11.5 *

Well, that’s an original take on ghost stories if ever I read one. Very creative. Points to that! The witty banter between them is a nice change of pace from your usual, run-of-the-mill haunting. “Get your poltergeist on”. Took me a minute to figure out what that meant, but when I did, I laughed enough to scare the dog. Simple humor is the best humor.

That being said, the jokes were kind of transparent (woof with the puns, right?), and they weren’t necessarily well incorporated. The whole thing felt disembodied (I’ll stop, I promise). I’m sure that if you had more words to go at this story you could…you could…I won’t say flesh…you could definitely _beef?_ it up a little more, make sure the connections are made from sentence to sentence. The thing about the truck: she’s worried about lying to a little kid, but she’s not worried about crashing a truck into a building? Logic mistake there, I think.

In the future, spend more time on the flow and rhythm and less on the exposition, and you’ll have yourself a better story. That whole first stanza before the pound sign doesn’t really need to be there. You can work it into the plot. All you have to say is that there are rules to being a ghost and then have them encounter all three of the rules one at a time, really. That would help the resolution of your story too.

You should be pretty pleased with this story. It has a lot of serious potential and dare I say it, staying power?


*Pluralized
Torch
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect:  5
Overall: 13 *

I guess that will learn him, won’t it? Anyone who can hold attention with a story about trailer trash definitely has a gift for the strange. I appreciate that you took a risk with a story about arson in a generally comical category. This was definitely one of the more creative pieces.

You really suffered from the word count here. Some sentences fall short of their mark; others have some gaps that kind of break up the voice. If you had a hundred more words, this would be a much better story. Unfortunately, it’s a little disjointed. The character motivations don’t really shine through here. I’m not sure if he’s murderous or just redneck….

On that page, it’s not entirely believable that he torches his girlfriend/wife and gets away with it or that a crowd of people would allow someone to throw a Molotov Cocktail at him. I’m not sure that you’re setting it just right. Again, I think the motivations and the schematics would stand out more if you had had the opportunity to use more words, but unfortunately, the way it is, it’s a bit flat.

Of course, the idea of revenge, the getting back at this abusive husband still provides a great foundation, something I can get behind as a reader in a guilty pleasure kind of way. I wish it had the chance to go a little more in depth because I want to hate this guy even more than I already do (which I do, probably because you’ve made him very hate-able). Still have a gift for the strange, sir. Still one of the more creative stories in the competition.


*TheYellowMustang
Senseless
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 10
Overall: 18.5 *

I had no idea where you were going with that. I thought, “For sure she’s not calling out women for embracing themselves. It’s bold, but is it really resonant?” Then, KERSPLAT, you dropped me right on my face. SHE’S A MANNEQUIN? Holy poop. A twist ending, a real surprise-r, that could redeem even the worst written stories.

Thankfully, yours doesn’t fall in that category. I could hear that valley-girl, catty voice, the arrogant, narcissistic snarl that curls her lips and makes her so unbearable, so unlikable, which makes you so happy when she’s thrown in the back with all the dust and darkness. I damn near cheered. I hate bitches. I think everyone does. We could all really rally behind that moral. And the fact that you introduced a moral without beat us over the head with it? Cheeky.

My one big criticism here is that some of the sentences are really either mangled or backwards. “I’ve never claimed it’s not meaningless.” Um, what? “Never”, “not”, and “meaningLESS” all in one sentence. Consider re-reading that one. There’s also the part where she’s talking about Tammy choosing the profession that feels a little backwards and confusing.

I loved this story, though. I love that you left the ending without a period. One of my favorite authors, John Green does that in his books sometimes. It kills me, but that’s why I love it. It’s gets under my skin like real fiction should.


*midnighpoet
The Hole
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect:  4
Overall: 11.5 *

It was a nice message. I’m a sucker for happy endings. I’ve never really bought into the necessity of either comedy or tragedy, and I think your piece is proof of the effectiveness a happy ending can have on a story, leaving it on an upswing. Very positive stuff.

What hurt you the most, in terms of score, was the large amount of exposition. There’s a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing in here. It falls short of delivering too much on its theme because it doesn’t have enough emotion built up by the time you make your reveal. Get down to the narrative in these things! You don’t have any words to spare.

I’d like to see this work redone from a very poetic point of view because I think it has serious promise.


*escorial
Caravan
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect:  6
Overall: 13 *

What a quaint scene you’ve painted here. I can see the English coast, the white cliffs beneath me, the sky out in front of me, and the sea somewhere in between…and I’ve never even been to England. It’s a humble story and one that’s not particularly gussied up with vocabulary or much of a plot really, but it’s entertaining and it brings a smile to my face. I enjoyed the heart-warming theme, the young love aspect of it. Some stories convey humanity and the simple joins of living in a way that they’re hard to ignore.

I was harsh on you because I’m trying to look at this from a publishing point of view, and I’m just not sure where this would fit. It’s not quite expanded past the travel guide commercial into the realm of short story because there’s just not enough plot here. Don’t get me wrong, I love to read a scene and think of bacon, but I’m not sure how it all meshes together. More dialogue might actually help cure this ill. Have them talk during their romantic dinner, have them share their fears, their joys, their sorrows. That’s what love is, right? Giving yourself completely to another person, leveling yourself on their playing field, being completely naked to them, vulnerable, unguarded? Embrace that feeling and shine it through a little candle-light dinner.

Like I said, I really do appreciate this piece. You’re writing a lot of gerunds, here, and it could use more direct structure, but it’s definitely a worthwhile read. Expand on it and put it in the Prose Writer’s Workshop. I would like to see how far you could take this.


*W. Dallas
White Willie
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 13.5 *

I wanted to reward you for taking the challenge of writing in a very distinct dialect. It wasn’t really consistent throughout the piece; some lines were a little out of place, but for the most part, I could hear a consistent accent. I imagined almost Louisiana Cajun. It was particularly effective when you were switching tenses (“then Willie says,”) because that sounds like something I’ve heard before.

Regional tone and race in general are hard subjects to broach. I’m not telling you to water it down, just keep it authentic and make sure you avoid a stereotyped narrator. That doesn’t really sit well with anyone because it feels gaudy. This is _borderline_ cartoonish: it feels overdone in some parts, almost offensive, really. I’m not sure who should be offended, but I’m thinking someone should be. Nix the “Chang or Chan” thing. That’s just racist.


You went a bit strong with the theme here too. I understand what you’re trying to say. It’s a great message. But in situations like this, subtle beats blunt every time. Anyone can write about racial divides. What makes them interesting, what makes them meaningful is a sense of realism, familiarity, and believability. Realism: If he’s not albino and his mother didn’t go sleep with someone else, how are you genetically explaining his skin? Familiarity: This you did quite well, actually. We could probably all see a situation where prejudice arises over criminal activity (profiling). Believability: I’m sorry, but if three kids, regardless of color, all finger the same guy for the crime, the cops are NOT just going to let him off the hook, especially if he’s at the _scene_ of the crime. They would at least bring him in for questioning.

I would love to see more a more delicate touch, a more intricate way of portraying Willie’s criminal exercises.


*Pidgeon84
Sunny Side Up
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 11 *

Forgive me for not knowing what FTM is, but that was a really large part of the story that I went to go look up. For something that specific, it’s best to give your readers a bit more information regarding the context. I’m not sure really how familiar that procedure is to most people.

Once I got past that, it was a really relatable story. I couldn’t relate to the operations maybe, but who hasn’t woken up embarrassed in a place they weren’t supposed to be, and who hasn’t had that moment of horror wondering what they’re supposed to do when they _do_ wake up naked and _not_ alone. We all have our insecurities, some easier to hide than others, but the way you wrote these characters, the way she reacted especially, it dug into the gut. The way he brushed it off, it brought goosebumps, probably because I love when people find acceptance and happiness in stories.

I took the most points away for the grammar because you switch tenses pretty regularly. I wasn’t really sure what you were supposed to be in. Make sure that when you write, you pick one tense and stick with it.


*InkwellMachine
Something Alive, All Dark and Glistening
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 16 *

Of all the writing in this competition, you present the cleanest and most consistent. On several occasions, you shirk the usual sentence structure, but you do it to great effect, according to your own stylistic license. I’m a user of the fragment sentence myself, although not as well as seen here in the few moments that you employ it.

You have impeccable voice as well, sounding so natural, accentuating your story, the curiosity and frustration of the narrator all balled up in your words. I’m right there with your narrator, feeling that same irksome urge to pull on that loose piece of skin, as creepy as that feels.

I’m not sold on the content, to be honest with you, though. I get that urge as much as anyone, and that I can see, but if you don’t mind me saying, it _drags_ through the first half of the story. It’s more of a nagging itch than a good hook. I keep reading because I want to pick at it, not because I’m really investing myself in the story, and by the time you get to the big reveal, I’m just not really interested in it. Plus, it wasn’t really a surprise or creepy the way that I was hoping it would be. You kind of left out the exciting part by saying, well, I was up all night peeling off my skin; nothing to see here.

You’re clearly a good writer, I think this is just a miss with me as far as content and theme goes.


*stormageddon
Unexpectedly Nude
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16 *

What an ethereal feel, stormy. That imagery at the beginning with the man looking out at the infinite cosmos was breathtaking. Not very often that a vision induced by words can be so beautiful, but it really captured me. The prose, in general, lent itself well to a futuristic, perhaps fantastic tale. Above all, your narration was consistent, easy to read, and poetic. Plus, I see a story about to rise out of this piece, something that could be extended into chapters and books.

This both helps and hinders you. While it delivers a good hook, something to keep me interested, it feels largely unexplained. I’m not sure what’s going on here. I find very little in the way of motivation for the characters or understanding of this mysterious place. What little you do give as a cause really just makes things worse. Ti (because I can’t type his name) calls the main character a madman, says he doesn’t want to jump with him (?), but does it anyways. Then he tries to explain where we are by throwing a hat, which has no effect, as far as I can tell. There’s a gaping hole where your stakes should be. I’m left confused more than curious.

I took points from you for the backwards and passive nature of several of your sentences. I call them backwards when all the modification happens before the verb, something like, “After having gone gingerly to bed and stealing at least thirty cookies on the way, not wanting to disturb his mother, but really interested in cookies, Alfred finally drifted off to sleep.” The real action of that sentence is at the end. All that other stuff should be in it’s own sentence, really. It’s an effect of cramming together smaller pieces.

I’m so excited to read more of your stuff though. This is a real launching point for your career on the writing forums and hopefully in the land of the published and well-reviewed.


*ppsage
Trader Joe and the Orkonani Tangle
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 2
Overall: 9 *

You have impeccable command of the English language, far better than I do. I learned a lot from this piece: words to use later, references that I found very interesting, and turns of phrase that I never thought to construct myself. It’s a creative foray into the nonsensical style.

But, for the sake of this competition, it doesn’t work for me. I vowed to judge each story individually, apart from any previous work by the author, based on how publishable I thought each piece was if it was standing alone. I have read stories about this Trader Joe character, so I know that there’s a history, but without that knowledge (or frankly, with it), I have no idea what’s going on here. Where is this going? What’s the point? What kind of statement are you making? Your plot is so masked here, so glittered over, that it trips over its own bangles. It’s like Cousin Itt. You don’t know what his body looks like for all that hair. Plus, there are references to pieces about the Trader that I would have to dig up from the past, which defeats the purpose of this being a short fiction competition, really, and you would unfairly be creating just another part of a novel, using previous information to create depth in your otherwise limited 650 words. Consider creating independent, resolved stories for the future.

My other criticism here is that there are moments when the voice doesn’t flow, doesn’t follow a speech pattern. It’s like when someone slips up trying to perform an accent, one of those moments where an actor briefly drops the lilt or twang that’s supposed to define their character.

I apologize for being harsh on you, but really, if I were a literary agent looking at this piece and this piece only, I wouldn’t publish it. The sad part being, that when I read it through multiple times, after I’ve done some editing of my own, I find that it’s actually kind of funny.


*spartan928
Unexpectedly Nude
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 16.5 *

I really enjoyed this piece. It made me laugh, and it made me think, which is uncommon enough. Throw in the fact that it’s original and creative, and I’m really glad I got to read this as a judge. The dialogue obviously carries the piece, but it also gives away a lot of character and theme without sounding like a lecture. I read the elephants as though they were British, probably because of the proper tone. Good evocation. I love a piece that makes me wonder.

I docked you points because there were several proofreading mistakes and the prose outside of the dialogue was kind of flat, not a lot of description or poetry about it, nothing pretty to read. It could have used a little more flair, to me, a little less normalcy, especially for a story this outlandish and funny.

I also thought that the ending tailed off a bit. You lost some steam going through, probably because you lost that dialogue that does you such justice.


*Anonymous
Save Me
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 13 *

What a head of steam you built through those first couple of paragraphs. You’re hook worked really well. Short, sweet, solid. The deadly combination that keeps a reader coming. Obviously, I want to know what that hell is going on. There was a lot to love about the beginning there, a lot to savor. The relatable voice, the concise sentence structure, the perfect grammar of it (within the confines of your writing style, of course); they all gave me the hope that it would be an exciting read. The sensory detail was especially useful toward your point.

Except, you kind of dropped the ball in the middle. That sensory data just kept coming without purpose or focus, really. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, and to be honest, I still don’t really know what happened here. Her Dad instinctively knew where she was, even thought she was in a strange place? What happened to her fingernails? Why was that so important for her to notice? What were the thumps? You’ve got so many unanswered questions, so many ends untied. I don’t meant to harp, but it was frustrating given how strongly you started.

I took off for the voice a bit too because I thought that toward the end, you really lost that consistency imperative to a believable voice.

If you want to, and I recommend you do, you should definitely go to the Prose Writer’s Workshop with this, reworked of course, so that we can help you really dig into it.


*TheWriteStuff
Alaskan Summer Sun
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 16 *

Too often in this competition, authors try to cram as much in as they possibly can; I think the shortest I’ve ever seen before yours is still somewhere in the 600s as far as word count. But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s entirely necessary. What you’ve written has enough to say in a very small space, efficiently demonstrating a theme in half the words of anyone else on the thread. I can sit here imagining this place of forgotten dreams, this crew of hopeless souls as they peel away at fish to produce those little square fishlets that we all buy at Sam’s Club. That’s a really strong emotional motivator…enough to make me think twice about what I’m buying at the supermarket…and in only 300 words, basically. As you can tell, I’m very into human stories: the ones that make you start to realize what’s really going on here on Earth outside my bubble.

I hate to go back on something I’ve said, but maybe a little more writing to get to the end without having to force-feed it to us. An interaction, a happenstance, something that shows us your message rather than you having to tell us. That’s why I took off the points that I did. I felt like this was more tell than show.


*Kevin
Morphogenic Fields
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10.5 *

I thought the interjections, especially in those first two paragraphs, were the highlight of this piece. Had to read them over a couple of times, I embarrassed to admit, but I laughed when I got it. That was a bold choice. Most of this piece was pretty bold, to be honest with you. The style was wonky, stagnant, the description came in these staccato bunches, the situation was unorthodox. I applaud you for mixing it up a bit. I was hoping someone would do something weird with this topic.

Sadly, it missed the mark for me. The punchy sentence structure and the stream of facts were combination that I just couldn’t stomach as well as I wanted to. You lead off so strongly, and then, you kind of lost me. I mean, it wasn’t hard to follow the story’s direction, it was just hard to keep my focus. I was lost on what kind of facts I was supposed to be holding onto and what facts were extraneous. Then, I thought, why is he including some of this stuff at all, really? You have so few words, why delegate a portion of them to wasted description? I think if you’re going to go for innovative, you have to go for efficient, too, and this just didn’t read that way for me.

Sadly again, I thought the idea was a good one. You’re the first orgy in this competition, if I remember correctly.


*Anonymous
Unclothed by Words
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 5
Overall: 12.5 *

I love the story. I love that it didn’t actually contain any nudity, that the nudity was metaphorical here. I think you’re one of the only authors to go for that angle in this competition, which definitely separates you from everyone else. It speaks to me as a writer, the weird way that we entangle ourselves in the lives of others from afar, how the strangest influences become characters in our worlds unbeknownst to them. It had a very vulnerable quality, the way that she referred to herself in the third person, that made me feel for the main character.

I have to admit, when you started off the piece, I was very confused what was going on. It wasn’t clear what that first line was for at all until I was 300 words in. That first block of story was a bit wishy-washy, not a lot of shape and not entirely interesting because of how confusing it was.

Even the ending could use some structure. I know the character doesn’t have a lot of spine, but the story should. Maybe if you capitalize Girl and Man so that we can follow them as characters, that will help. And the action: she’s hiding behind a bush, but then he comes out…and she’s standing naked in front of him (metaphorically)? Isn’t she still hiding behind the bush? Also, she intends to leave the book behind for him to see, right? So why doesn’t she use it to flirt with him? Why does she run away? Why is he so perfect for her anyways?

Like I said, I love this story because as strange as it is, it’s very touching, but it could use to be cleaned up a bit.


*Anonymous
Nude
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14 *

That first paragraph is killer. Just the way it’s set up: the prose works, there are no errors, it draws me in, all because it’s so mysterious, and it conveys the emotions well…all except that last sentence, which doesn’t make sense. I’m not sure what you were going for, but you missed the mark there.

The rest of the story was pretty much the same way. You have really descriptive, really emotional scenes that are kind of overly poetic and duly less powerful mixed with plot moving sentences that do most of the heavy lifting simply by being embedded with the actual action.

Good:
He’d imagined her body, warm and solid in his arms, the skin soft under his fingers--his hands finding their way beneath her sweater, sliding up the curve of her spine. Getting ahead of himself, he’d thought, so stupid--he’d imagined her breasts. Her breath on his neck. A different kind of smile. 

Not so good:
Last night--it was gone, blotted out by all that pallor, the after-image still morphing and discoloring like a burnt negative. Gradually, though, he remembered: Tuesday, after work. The lights had been against him, orange flicking to red at every intersection. He’d picked up a pizza on the way home. Watched the news, some show about psychics after. Fallen asleep in that warm hypnosis, heavy with food in the blue light.

And Sarah stilled in the cold dark, watching clouds drift across the moon. The stars going out. The highway a fading thunder.

Not really sure what you’re hoping for with this second part here, but it’s so stagnant, so stylistic, that it doesn’t really speak to me. Buuuuut, the first paragraph says everything it needs to say in a straightforward and poignant way. Focus on telling the story more like this.


*Gargh
From All Sides
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 5
Overall: 12 *

It’s hard for me to imagine the kind of horrors that your character experiences, but I can still empathize with him, and that’s what makes me enjoy this story. I want him to triumph over his hunger, over his injury, over the persecution that comes with his faith. I guess you’ve really just built a likable hero in a frantic and moving story.

Unfortunately, your prose gets very muddled. First, you use words that don’t belong in the situation you’re using them in: “precautionary shadows”? Not sure what that means, to be honest. Then, you don’t really tie the events together well. I had real trouble seeing the scene of the explosion. “They caught me on the next block”…”With an explosion”…not the best combination to describe that event, really. You have the perfect opportunity to use descriptors, and ironically, here is where you kind of gloss it over. Lastly, you don’t really write in the voice of someone in the moment, someone retelling a horrible event. It almost sounds like he doesn’t really care in some parts, using long sentences and big words instead of exciting words and short, blunt sentences that usually accompany adrenaline.

It was a really good ending, though. I appreciate that. You wrapped it up nicely, even if it was a little confusing.


*Ghosts of the Maze
Winter Weight
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15 *

I had a feeling that ending was coming, and it still hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it’s just the composition because it wasn’t really the twist I think you were hoping for, but regardless, I empathized with her. Not many things in this world can overhaul your outlook on life like this unfortunate circumstance. I’m glad you built on such a strong emotional pillar and you didn’t beat the reader over the head with it. Subtlety like this outgains brutal honesty anytime in writing.

That being said, I would have liked to see a little more depth come through in the characters via their dialogue. That’s where I think it fell shortest and why I docked you points. The words sounded generic, trite, something I would hear from a Gossip Mom down at the local supermarket and did nothing to really accelerate my feelings toward her plight. Anyone can stand in front of a mirror and say, “I’m disgusting.” To me, that just makes her sound like any woman I’ve ever met right before beach season. She’s just a part of the mass of people that, for some reason, don’t think they’re good enough. Layer that line with something more.

Like I said, I loved this story, loved the effect of it. Just needs some touching up to make it great.


*Anonymous
By the Light of Four Candles
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 10 *

Hmm, I’m not really sure how to characterize this one….

It’s cute, trying to work in all sorts of characters from the WF, even ironic (not sure I’m using this right, to be honest) that you would write a story about writing the LM piece for the LM, but it’s not really heavy on the point-making or the theme-having, if I’m honest with you. I find it creative but flat.

Where you lost me: “Yeah. I've researched all the usual suspects, but to be honest I want to live.” Glug.

I’m not really sure what this means or where it came from or why what follows follows…. I’m not sure you had the desired effect with this line, and pretty much the rest of the story, despite how funny the bit about Olly is, I couldn’t get over this misplaced line. 
[/spoiler2]


----------



## Fin (Apr 2, 2014)

[spoiler2=Dictarium’s scores]

*Failed charisma check.*
By: Jake Creamer​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 3/5*

_“withhis” _
One of two hard errors I found.

_“A one-off adventure, he'd dust off one of his favorite old modules, re-worked for the newrules system” _
Another hard error. Also, I take issue not with “A one-off adventure” being on its own because artistic license and I write like that all the time but it is not connected to “he’d dust...system” and, no matter how many times I read it, cannot bring myself to think that should be a comma after it. A semi-colon at least, maybe even an exclamation mark given how excited the protagonist was about GM-ing their own game.

_“some mechanical pencils...all”_
You’d done this before with the bit on escapism and I thought it worked well because it created a sense that the narrator was day-dreaming as the protagonist might were he thinking about those things in that moment. But here, after the end of a simple list, the pause or trailing off or whichever effect you wanted to give just doesn’t work for me. It should be a period, surely.

*Tone and also Voice: 2.5/5*

_“__and on his back was a pack of the type that students wear to carry their books”_
Surely “a backpack” would’ve sufficed.

_“and it was obvious that he was walking to a particular home he'd never been before” _
Again, a bit wordy. Also “been to”, not “been”. The way you’ve written it reads that he was walking to a house which he hadn’t himself been. He had never been this particular house. I understand the British phrase “I’ve never been” to express “I’ve never been there” but I’m not convinced it works here.

_“There was nothing about him to give away the fact that he was really a dreamer.” _
You have one paragraph after this about how he’s a dreamer and then do nothing with that idea. The whole beginning is about how he’s normal and implies that perhaps you’ll explain why this is important or how he’s actually not, and then you do nothing with this idea. It makes the beginning seem like that of another story.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 5/10*

Overall, to be honest, nothing really happens in your story, man. It’s an interesting character you’ve set up -- an average man with a dream, an escape in roleplaying games -- and then you spend most of the story describing what he brings with him, aspects of DnD, and have a plethora of set ups about the outward perception of your character that you never address, disprove, or analyze. The payoff for the story at the end is only relevant if one knows what the prompt is. Otherwise, the ending seems awkward and anticlimactic to a story that is almost entirely set up. You peak the interest of the reader and leave them confused and wanting.

*Overall: 10.5/20
*

*Practical Problems & Brute Force Solutions*
By: Anonymous​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comments.

*Tone and also Voice: 1.5/5*

Overall, the tone was very lost on me. The whole thing is very disjointed and the whole “pound” sign separation of the sections certainly doesn’t help. I’m not sure why you’ve done it but, on the whole, it just serves to separate sections which could’ve been right next to each other and seems rather unnecessary. Apart from that I can’t find any real, discernable tone throughout the whole thing. _“_

_“There are Ghost Rules.” _
This bit was particularly awkward which isn’t very good because it’s the start of the story. It seemed more like an excuse for why the ghosts are limited in their ability than an explanation of the way things are. 

_“‘What is it, Jeremiah McDingelsmith?’” _
I’m almost sure this part was meant to play comedically but it just seems awkward and misplaced and out of nowhere. 

_“‘We forgot clothes’”_, _ “The very next week, our bodies were cremated.”_, _“‘Hey,’ said God. ‘Watch your mouth.’”_
Then, you’ve got a few lines that seem, like the “ghost rules” one, that they’re out of nowhere and are very poorly handled, seemingly tacked-on in the name of narrative progression with no mind paid to tone or style or delivery.

Also, overall, your dialogue comes across as very forced and awkward. I don’t mean awkward in that the characters are awkward people but awkward in that the dialogue doesn’t match the story. 

*Effectiveness of the Story: 4/10*

The story, on the whole, just didn’t do anything for me. The pound signs as a method of splitting it up were questionable and seem wholly irrelevant; the dialogue and some of the narrative are clunky and without a discernable style; the story as a whole seems to be rushed and crammed into a small amount of words where the word limit could’ve been dealt with much more aptly. In the beginning, the whole “Ghost Rules” thing is, unfortunately, where it begins to fall apart. Why are there Ghost Rules? Who sets the Ghost Rules? What’s the point of the Ghost Rules? Furthermore, are they ghosts or are they poltergeists? Can they switch back and forth? Why can they switch back and forth? He tells her to “get her poltergeist on” so she must be able to switch back and forth, yeah? And then there’s the truck. Was ramming a truck into the building so that it was then repaired and they could get through the newly built wall really that important? 

It’s just not a very well-thought-out piece with holes in the story and methodology left, right, and center that suffers both from a lack of quality execution and either a lack of or a poor quality of preplanning in figuring out the logic behind it all.

*Overall: 10.5/20*



*Torch*
By: Pluralized​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

The tone here is well-set from the beginning, consistent throughout, and a pleasure to read through. The dialogue is crisp and effective as well as believable and fun. The reasoning behind the actions of Jimmy, while warped, is one that I could believe someone of his, er, mental capacity would come up with. He makes for a wholly interesting and deeply resonant character, about whom much is conveyed just under six hundred-and-a-half words. 

You manage to take the same old story and, tonally, what is basically the same old approach we, as a society always hear about -- trailer park dwelling, abusive, lower-class husband and subservient, abused, passive wife who eventually “can’t take it no more” -- and make it interesting, make us forget we’re reading that archetypical story. This interesting a world you’ve painted -- a world where, in this trailer park with no name, something like this can happen and, perhaps, the inhabitants think nothing of it -- makes the cliche enjoyable again, and that’s one of the hardest things to do in writing in my opinion.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 9.5/10*

Probably one of the best ways to literally implement this theme. You had me hooked from the beginning with the concept and I almost never let off the line. The only thing that took me out for a mere moment was referring to Greta’s mother as just “Mother”. It was just a bit weird to refer to her from Greta’s point of view when before you did so from an objective, 3rd person point of view. It was for naught but a brief moment. This was a quality read all in all from start to finish despite the graphic subject matter (which was handled really well). 

*Overall: 19.5/20*


*Senseless*
By: TheYellowMustang​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“ and the fluorescent lights above us flicks and hums”_
Either “lights” must be “light” or “flicks and hums” must be “flick and hum”. I’m sure you know this, just pointing it out. Otherwise I found no errors.

*Tone and also Voice: 4.5/5*

I liked the commentary. I liked the bite and the jabs at a mindset your protagonist clearly disagrees with and I think it was presented through a convincing, level-headed, but not obtrusive voice. The only trouble I have is when we get to the ending. The tone shifts, the voice shifts, and perhaps this was the purpose. I’m sure it was, actually. But I feel that the transition is so jarring that it feels much like it’s part of another story. It is certainly unexpected, but it leaves me wanting of some sort of connection. Bridge the gap between these two bits a little more fluidly and this would’ve been a perfect T&V score.

*Effectiveness of the story: 7/10*

I don’t like to make assumptions of things which authors didn’t mean to imply but, if I may, it seems like you’re trying to say something about the actual vulnerability of the assumed infallible critics and the condescenders as she, just like everyone else, is capable of being, er, screwed by “The Man” in the end. (I swear to God I didn’t mean any puns that came across; that part was hard to write without some coming across.) However, the transition from the arrogant holier-than-thou criticizer of the holier-than-thous to the vulnerable, abused, psychologically and physically violated subservient being put in her place is a bit... awkward. Perhaps, I dunno, if it was a bit more foreshadowed -- for example, if the boss is known for being lustful or perverted or even flirtatious -- then it would’ve worked better but, as it is, it seems as if the prompt’s usage, while purposeful, is ultimately shoehorned in and perhaps not molded to its fullest potential. I liked the idea. I really did. I always like when these prompts go beyond the surface level of writing a story and go for a more symbolic, thematic, socio-analytical level of depth, but this one’s connection to the set-up is just a bit lacking which ends up leaving a poor taste in my mouth as I finish it all to the extent that had the connection been better that may’ve boosted your score 2-or-so points.

*Overall: 16/20
*

*The Hole*
By: midnightpoet​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“and often in his own little world”_
    Should be a “was” after either “and” or “often”. Or, if you’re feeling super wordy, a “he was” after “world”. Either way, this clause has no predicate.

*Tone and also Voice: 3/5*

I couldn’t really tell if you wanted to go with the narrator that reflects the protagonist’s thoughts or the objective relayer of events of the past. 

_“but damn it that whore was Gracie”;”the damn government didn’t know”;”The damn fire had gone out.”_
These parts seem as if you’re trying to convey emotion with a minor expletive, whereas the rest of the story lacks this bite and makes these bits stand out like sore thumbs tonally.

_“who was beating up a whore, but damn it that whore was Gracie, his sister”_
    This part just sounds a bit awkwardly phrased to me. I understand that you have a limited space in which to convey that the pimp was beating a whore, the whore was his sister, and the sister’s name was Gracie. But, I’m not convinced all that information is needed and, in the end, the end of the sentence seems unpolished, a bit awkward and in need of revision.

*Effectiveness of the story: 6.5/10*

I like the characters, I like the setting, I like the framework, I like the world, and I like the narrative, there’s just parts where you lose me that mean I can’t give you more than this for Effect.

_“He’d lost the paperwork and the damn government didn’t know he still existed.”_
    This part has me confused. So Tubby lost paperwork, yeah? Why does him losing paperwork mean that he no longer exists to the government? Surely it’s the government’s paperwork which would keep track of his existence. 

Using the going to sleep and waking up thrice in such a close proximity to one another looks a bit clumsy, to me, as well. As far as the use of the prompt goes, you’re solid. He was most definitely unexpectedly nude and, given his circumstances, it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilities that such a thing would happen to him.

Overall, the story, as I said, has a good base, a good cast of characters, and a pretty good narrative, but is handled a little clumsily with the progression of time and transition from exposition to event traspirance.

*Overall: 14/20*


*Caravan*
By: escorial​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 3/5*

_“When reaching the site they checked in”_
This should be either “upon reaching” or “when they reached” or, like you have later on, just “reaching”.

_“quite caravan”_
    I’m hoping this isn’t a British colloquialism and you meant “quiet”.

_“stopped of at the pub“_

“Off”, but I’m sure you knew that.

*Tone and also Voice: 4.5/5*

Both your tone and your voice are compelling and consistent throughout. The only reason I didn’t give you a five was because of the bit at the end with the protagonist thinking to himself. Something about not having conversational thought in italics or quotes or ‘ ‘ just rubs me the wrong way and threw me off a bit. If it’s meant to be part of the narration it shakes the tone up right at the end but otherwise this piece was rock-solid tonally.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

This was a nice, quaint story. Quaint is really the best way to describe it. A couple gets a camper and goes on vacation in it and they have a nice walk on the beach and have a nice night together and then they wake up and he’s happy. The end. I like it. However, as far as the prompt goes it was not very well connected to the story and seems rather tacked-on and out-of-nowhere. If I didn’t know this was a story based around that prompt I would’ve probably still found the old woman bit a bit jarring but knowing as much, you seem to have done what lots of others have done and made the “Unexpectedly Nude” bit a punchline to a nonexistent setup. You did, however, execute it a little better and manage to tie it into the overall story with the ending thought so you scored higher than some others did in that respect.

That would’ve gotten you a nine were it not for the fact that, well, nothing _really_ happens here. I, for one, am a serial symbolist. I will make my story fifteen layers deep before I finish the first paragraph. And I looked and looked for some sort of universal truth about love or companionship but really, it does just fit the “quaint” title I gave it earlier. Quaint and a bit shallow. It’s a nice piece, don’t get me wrong, but it was just missing a little “umph” to get it going towards the higher-level scores.

*Overall: 15.5/20*


*White Willie*
By: W. Dallas​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“she’d cuckold him”_
    Even with the thick southern dialect this has to be past tense. “Cuckolded”.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

Excellent. There are very few times that I find a Southern accent used in narration is done well and in a readable fashion, and you’ve done it to a T. And it’s not just a case of growing up around it or anything, but using it just enough to get the point across but not too much as to make it intelligible and overly conversational. It never falters, it never waivers, it never breaks form.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

This was a really solid piece with a really inventive interpretation of the prompt. I felt the message portrayed therein could’ve been handled a little better if the “reveal” of the cops’ racism was contained to the second mention of it just at the end of the story to give it a “twist” factor, and that lack of umph is what has you at an 8 and not a 9 or a 10. Otherwise I thought the story was incredibly solid. The prompt was woven into the whole story in a not-so-obvious manner, didn’t feel tacked-on or gimmicky, and was executed very well.

*Overall: 17.5/20*


*Sunny Side*
By: Pidgeon84​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4/5*

I’m not entirely sure where to put this because I don’t know if it’s grammar, but you switch from present tense to past tense in your first few sentences and it threw me off just a bit. Best to either do the whole thing present tense if that’s what you want to do or remain in the past. You do this again in the beginning of the third paragraph with “I slide”. A point would’ve come off for it somewhere, whatever category it goes into and this’ne’s as good as any I s’pose.
_“what brought me too”_
    You want “to”.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

This piece was incredibly solid tonally. The voice had a nice progression from a confused, hungover stupor to an anxious attempt to get dressed and get out all culminating with the very comforting relief of finally being accepted. It was very effective. 

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

Really nice piece, Pidgeon. I liked it a lot. The mind of the narrator and the obscured information all come together so well and the reveal at the end is so coolly handled. I like that the whole time we’ve got an omniscient narrator but, because of your word choice I don’t know that I don’t know all there is to know about the protagonist. Genuinely didn’t see the “twist” coming and it was well-obscured the whole time. However, I do wonder about the beginning. The changing of the tenses that I noted in the grammar section made it so that the story began a bit awkwardly from my point of view. Also, the description of the surroundings in the first paragraph could’ve been handled a little bit better. More colors and less details. The character is hungover and out of it, I don’t expect them to, within the first few seconds of waking up, notice the type of wood a dresser is made of or the intricacies of the pattern of the sunlight across the floor (let alone care about it). More colors and simple adjectives like “black nightstand” and describing the room as “maroon” and noncertainties like “looked antique” would’ve been better than to dive right into the amount of detail you did there. 

The beginning is your only faltering point but it does need to be one of your strongest parts so 2 points off for it. Otherwise, very solid piece.

*Overall: 17.5/20
*

*Something Alive, All Dark and Glistening*
By: InkwellMachine​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

I love it. The progression from an in-depth analysis of an anyday occurrence to a surreal, gothic, uncomfortable ending and all without breaking tone or stride. The fact that the beginning and the end are delivered in the same voice and yet have such different connotations and inform such different meanings and incite such different moods is really what gets me. Well done.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 10/10*

I was wondering when I’d give out my first perfect 20 as a judge and this was it. The creepiness of the story even when it’s a simple hangnail, the way you describe everything in such detail but with only as many words as necessary, and the deadpan ending that has such magnitude behind it is all excellent. You’re just too good. I was looking for things to critique, find wrong with your piece because it just feels weird to give a 20 but this really deserves it.

*Overall: 20/20*



*Unexpectedly Nude*
By: stormageddon​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 4/5*

_“The sky was cloudless, the stars shining down as clear as blazing lanterns, the red and purple bruises of gas clouds blending with the wandering green light that I had long pined for the chance to see.”_

_“‘Have you any hypotheses that might place this within human understanding?’”_

_“The fall seemed interminable, the landing inevitable, and had I been faced with the visage of God itself I would have remained incapable of opening my eyes, so great a fear did the gut-wrench of falling instil within me. The separation between sky and sea was tangible only as the distinction between the cold rush of air and the enveloping rush of water, and as time stretched on, Tibephaude's hand was all that anchored me against the transient reality of one lost without gravity, bolstering my courage against the inexorable threat of the journey's end.”_

    Perhaps it’s just my taste (and I certainly hope it is not as I’d hate to dock you points based thereon) but these bits seem well-purple and a bit too over-flowery. Some editing and lessening of the dictionary sophistication may be in order. It’s not to say that your command of the English language isn’t great with the coordination and maneuvering of these words in such a fashion, just that perhaps not all of them need to be in the same area to describe the same thing. As a person who struggles with over-wordiness, I understand the struggle to convey one’s ideas as formulated without dipping into the over-complex, but it was a bit tiring to make it through some of these parts with the way they were worded.


*Effectiveness of the Story: 7/10*

This was definitely an interesting piece. At first it seems transcendent and pretty, and then it transitions into the dialogue bit which seems like a biting bit of upper-class British wit (I’m not sure if you’re British or not, it’s just how it struck me), and finally the plunge and the reveal of the surreal Narnia-like entrance into this other world. It’s a very interesting concept and one that could’ve really been a great piece. My criticism lies, however, in the execution. The beginning, as mentioned, is a little weak and overly wordy. While that is still a voice issue, it affects the story’s overall effectiveness as well. The middle dialogue is the best part and works very well, and then the transition into the new world is handled, not clumsily, but just strangely. Why did they decide to jump into the water? I understand that it’s meant to be impulsive but it just seems like a bit of a contrived way to get them to the “into the wardrobe” bit of the story. Perhaps if Tibephaude’s hat had flown into the sea and, being so fond of it, he dove in after it? This would’ve then made his having it upon awakening even more relevant in a “at least I got this back” type of way. I don’t mean to try to write your piece for you but I just felt that the transition into this other world was lacking a bit in execution.

Otherwise, the premise is great. Just a little tidying up and it could’ve been a much higher score.

*Overall: 16/20*



*Trader Joe & the Orkanani Tangle*
By: ppsage​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 2.5/5*

The tone of this one was consistent but rather ineffective. The narrator is so incredibly detached from the action, the speech is so heightened, and the descriptions so contrived that it took me a day and a bit to get through this one. I thought for a while and read and re-read this to see if it was just me not getting it but I don’t think it is. It’s just incredibly hard to navigate with the way it’s presented.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 5/10*

Boy, this one was tough. It’s just so… confusing. The cultural and historical references are overused and over-worded, the adjectives unnecessarily many and flowery, the premise confusing and unexplained. I have absolutely no idea what a tangle is based on the context of the story. From what I understand, the story is, at least in part, in reference to the site. I only knew this because I Googled the word “Wriformia” and found a post you’d made with the word in it. If knowledge about site lore is in some way necessary to understand parts of the story then that’s not really good for the story. If it isn’t, then I must genuinely be missing something. You may have been going for a surrealist approach or something like that, but, for me, it’s just impossible to understand and, therefore, is incredibly ineffective. 

*Overall: 12.5/20*



*Unexpectedly Nude*
By: spartan928​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 4.5/5*

“You mean, au natural kind of naked? Like, letting it all hang out kind of naked?”

“Pants? As in, put your legs in and pull them up around your fanny kind of pants?”

I liked almost all of the dialogue in here. It all felt very nice, as if it would have been in a folk tale. This seems like it could be a written account of some ancient culture’s myth with how it’s written. It’s really novel. Well done. However, the above dialogue was the only bit that was a little awkward. They’re both a bit redundant. The reader knows what the elephant is referring to, so Thomas’ stating of the obvious serves as a stumbling block for progression of the conversation.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

Like I said in T&V, this felt very much like an allegory of some kind, and that angle made the story very enjoyable. It was a satisfying, original approach to the prompt that was executed well. The only bit you could’ve done better would be to clean up and tighten up a bit of the dialogue and fit in a bit more of a reason that the elephants want the pants. If you can cut out some of the redundant dialogue and substitute in a few sentences about why they want them (apart from “evolving modesty”), perhaps describing the time that they had a meeting and discussed the issue and what provokes the matter.

*Overall: 17.5/20*


*Winter Weight*
By: Ghosts of the Maze​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“Deborah must have noticed the way she filled out over the winter.”_
You have an unclear antecedent here. I know that, given the context, it’s clear you’re talking about Caroline, but, this early in the story, I assumed Deb had gained weight over the winter as well and that this was what you were referring to.

*Tone and also Voice: 4/5*

There’s a huge contrast between the beginning narrative and the rest of the story told almost entirely through dialogue. I feel if the whole thing had been done at the gym, with dialogue throughout, the story would’ve been more personal and it would’ve been easier for the reader to identify and empathize with Caroline’s situation. 

*Effectiveness of the Story: 6/10*

I thought this one was alright. It didn’t really grab me in any real way. I get that you’re trying to highlight how something as little as gaining a little weight can affect a person’s psyche and be blown out of proportion inside someone’s head, but it isn’t very well conveyed given the tone issue I mentioned above. Then the ending, where she takes control of the situation and snaps at her friend and seemingly gets over her seemingly submissive nature towards her problem, isn’t as effective as it could be given a lack of connection to the protagonist. This could’ve been great if it took place over a few minutes in the gym where she slowly realizes how she needs to take control of her life and her problem and not run away from things and then boom. The snap. No build-up intro paragraph, no set up, just set it in the gym from the beginning. I’m not suggesting that it should all be dialogue, just that it should’ve all been one scene.

*Overall: 14.5/20*


*Save Me*
By: Anonymous​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“I went to the bar; fake ID; a Bloody Mary.”_
“fake ID” and “a Bloody Mary” aren’t independent clauses. A colon would’ve worked, a comma, even a period. But a semicolon does not.


*Tone and also Voice: 3/5*

This felt very disjointed tonally. Not in the frantic, confused fashion that I think you were going for, but rather awkwardly disjointed.

_“The footsteps draw close. They stop, go, seem to pass a thousand times a minute outside this damp and smelly room. The door again. More footsteps. Heavier. Muttering. The heavier steps are coming close. Closer. Inside. Behind me. Around me.”_
The repetition here didn’t really work and was a touch overplayed.

_“ I went to the bar; fake ID; a Bloody Mary. Jake Brody came to flirt with me. He didn't stay long. There were others. The music got so loud. I got dizzy. I had to get out. “_
    This part is pretty awkward and doesn’t really have a stye. You’re just telling me things in a very disjointed fashion, but, again, not hazy, just waking up, trying to remember what happened disjointed, but just ineffective disjointedness.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 5/10*

This one was… meh. I like the idea. The short, choppy sentences to communicate a level of confusion and the repetition to communicate a lack of full consciousness. It’s just that it’s both overplayed and poorly executed. Making it more like a dramatic monologue and getting rid of some of the more straightforward exposition. If you want an example of a really solid dramatic monologue with lots of repetition, I recommend you read Joyce Carol Oates’ “A Telephone Call”. 

*Overall: 12.5/20*
*
*

*Honey!*
By: thepancreas11​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 4.5/5*

_“He turns towards the basement door”_
    “Toward”. “Towards” isn’t a word.

*Tone and also Voice: 4/5*

Judge entry so skipping over commentary I’m sorry I have to get this done so people don’t pitchfork my body.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

Judge entry so skipping over commentary I’m sorry I have to get this done so people don’t pitchfork my body. I thought it was a good story though.

*Overall: 16.5/20
*

*Alaskan Summer Sun*
By: TheWriteStuff​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 3.5/5*

The tone is nice and consistent but it just isn’t anything special. And it changes a bit without any real reason when you go to describe the workers at the picnic tables, and then goes back into it’s wordy, purple,  verbose descriptions at the end. 

*Effectiveness of the Story: 5/10*

I’ve got two problems with this piece. Primarily, that it has almost nothing to do with the prompt. I guess an argument could be made that the area is nude or barren but I don’t see why it would be unexpectedly nude. It’s Alaska. Everyone knows Alaska is cold and, in _many_ places, very barren and without much going on. The only mention of unexpected nudity seems _very_ tacked on. My second problem with the piece is that not a lot happens. Your descriptions are elegant and your setting is interesting and could have something done with it but nothing at all thematically, symbolically, or literally happens in the story, in my opinion. I felt it a bit boring.You had another 332 words to work with; think about that next time.

*Overall: 13.5/20*


*morphogenic fields*
By: Kevin​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

I loved the way you’ve written this. There’s not a lot I can say about it without just recanting the same praise over and over again. If I could give you six points out of five for T&V I would. This seemed like it was going to get confusing as the story went on when I first realized the way you were writing the piece with the disjointed dependent clauses and mostly describing emotions and sensations, but it worked perfectly. Well done.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 9.5/10*

This one was an incredibly solid piece. Beginning to end I loved the way you made the transition from normal to abnormal to surreal to comfortable and how you conveyed so much with “so little” by just basically putting together a bunch of nominal clauses and prepositional phrases. The only critique I have is that you lost me a little bit around the introduction of the party. The bit about the circle and torchbearers caught me a bit because I was envisioning a totally different party in my head based on what you were describing. I’m not sure if this is a fault of mine but if the transition from not-party to party was a little more explicit (I know you were at your word limit, so that would’ve been pretty difficult) in what was going on, this would’ve been a solid 20. Excellent job.

*Overall: 19.5/20*


*(Un)clothed by Words*
By: Anonymous​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 3.5/5*

The tone of this was OK. It didn’t really jump out at me or do anything special, but it was definitely nice enough. It never confused me really and made the reading enjoyable enough.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 7.5/10*

I liked it, but it was a bit confusing. So she writes stories and then she masturbates in the bushes to people reading them? Why did he find her the second he opened the door? Wasn’t she behind the bushes over by a bus stop? Surely the bushes aren’t right next to the door of the coffee shop. How did he find her? Was he on the train ride with her? Why was he on the train ride with her? If he wasn’t, why did she need to cover herself up? I’m not sure whether or not the masturbatory scene is all metaphoric or imaginary or not, the story doesn’t really let me know very well because it doesn’t really address it for more than a few sentences.

Even outside of all that, the story just didn’t do anything very special. I liked the way it was written and that’s why it got above average in the effect but to get past that I’d expect some really awesome style or a really compelling story or something like that. This one was just confusing and didn’t seem to really convey much of anything.

*Overall: 16/20
*

*Nude*
By: Anonymous​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 4/5*

I don’t think the disjointed string of nominal phrases came off quite as well as you would’ve liked here but I do appreciate the originality. I understand that when you use it it’s mostly related to a long string of conversation about many different things but it just doesn’t seem like it fits and it’s a bit confusing to navigate through (and I did feel like I had to navigate through it). I applaud the effort though as it’s a difficult technique to get right and to convey in an understandable, well-flowing manner. If you want an example of this style done superbly, take a look at Kevin’s entry this month.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 8/10*

This was a really tight piece. The only bit where you lost me was, as I mentioned, the bit with the explanation of the conversation but otherwise it was really good. Thematically is where this one shines (as, obviously, the only things that happen in a literal, physical sense are that a man walks into a room, IDs a woman, recalls a conversation, and sits in a car). The level of attachment one can feel to a person after only one meeting with them, how easy it is for someone to go from an anonymous face in a crowd to a person whose death affects you is conveyed excellently. The prompt is incredibly well represented and interpreted here which, for me, will always earn a writer extra points in the “effect” category. If you can just clean up the style a little bit and work at that disjointed narrator bit (which I think is an excellent way to describe conversations like that as his memory is likely cloudy of it in the first place so he wouldn’t have remembered the whole thing) this could’ve been an 18 or 19.

*Overall: 17/20*


*From all sides*
By: Gargh​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment.

*Tone and also Voice: 5/5*

While it’s not any sort of ground-breaking, new, or original story-telling technique, your tone and voice in this were the archetypical example of a normal, even, smooth tone and voice in a story. Never once did I stumble, never once did the voice falter, and throughout the whole story it remained constant. A well-practiced set of fingers penned this piece and the evidence is there in the communication thereof. Also, the shift at the end of the penultimate paragraph is superbly handled. This is one of a few of these pieces where, were I allowed, I’d give it a 6/5 for T&V.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 9.75/10*

I almost feel bad for taking off for it but I’ve only given one 20 out so far and I scoured that thing for 20 minutes looking for errors I couldn’t find. I did the same here and found just one thing I couldn’t not comment on. He’s naked after the bombs hit, yeah? All of his clothes come off? All of them? Just is clothes? Perfectly come off? What sort of power does his body incur where every shred of clothing he’s wearing comes off and he doesn’t also suffer major lacerations or burns depending on how they came off? If he does suffer one of the two, you’d think those’d be worth mentioning, yeah? Again, incredibly tedious and I could be wrong and that could be exactly what happens to people in the presents of bombs being exploded near them. It’s why I only took off a quarter of a point. Otherwise, this story is superb thematically, narratively, and tonally.

*Overall: 19.75/20*


*By the light of four candles*
By: Anonymous​*Spelling as well as Grammar: 5/5*

No comment

*Tone and also Voice: 3.5/5*

It’s OK. There’s no real stand-out tone to speak of but what’s there is only really present in the nondialogue bit at the beginning and is executed well I suppose.

*Effectiveness of the Story: 3/10*

Referencing the prompt itself doesn’t mean a story adheres to the prompt. That’s just cheating. Otherwise, almost literally nothing happens in the story. It’s almost a nonstory. I’m sure there’s some inside joke references about other members of the site on there but I don’t get them and even if I did a story like this shouldn’t rely on people “getting” things like that to do well with them. To be perfectly honest, this story felt like whoever wrote it really didn’t try. It’s boring, it accomplishes nothing, it conveys nothing, and it does nothing for me. I try to be rather constructive with my criticism on here but this one just really isn’t good. A three is generous. There are better stories this month that scored lower just because they made grammatical mistakes.

*Overall: 11.5/20*
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Jon M’s scores]

*By the Light of Four Candles *
10​
Seems like an inside joke. Have a feeling the only readers who would get this are on staff. So it's extremely hard to be interested in this. 

Not sure if it's intentional, but the way the first sentence is worded suggests the candlelight, not the candles themselves, are positioned at the corners of the desk. So are they hovering globes of light, or what?

*Save Me*
12​
This is a hard one to critique because the story didn't engage me at all. The use of first person was accurate in the sense that the reader is locked into this person's consciousness and has limited information, but the viewpoint is so intimate and so stream of consciousness the story, what little there is, suffers as a result. 

Beginning the story with a series of questions doesn't seem particularly wise. There is not enough information or details available for interest to be piqued by what they are asking. Better to simply begin the narrative with imagery—in this case, the yellow room. 

The highpoint of this story are the details surrounding the Shatterhouse. Not surprisingly, in a tale so devoid of concrete imagery, that the most intriguing part involves details and the ever-so-slight whiff of story. So the girl gets slipped a roofie, probably—ah, now we are getting somewhere. 

The end of the story, beginning "It turns out...", is particularly clumsy. Up to that point, the word count had largely been squandered on questions, setting description, and descriptions of the character's physical state—none of which are evocative or unusual in any way (except maybe the missing fingernails). So, in order to salvage a mostly pointless narrative, the story ends on what feels like an info-dump. The reader is given his first glimpse of the big picture, but it is too abrupt and doesn't convince. 

I think this piece fails, in part, because of the extreme intimacy/stream of consciousness of the first person narrator, coupled with the information that s/he may have been drugged, and the lack of unusual imagery. It's like a weird math problem where 1+1=0. Even coming down off a high, people are loopy. Perceptions are skewed. Beginning this story with the image of the yellow room seems like a vastly better choice. Additionally, an element of the surreal could have been introduced (a lingering effect of the drugs)—perhaps the flowers on the border print were swaying, or even talking to the narrator. This is an example of what would have created interest. It's weird; it interrupts the status quo—flowers aren't normally chatty creatures. "Did I just wake up?/Where am I?" is, sadly, an example of what causes a reader to hit the Back button. 

*Nitpicky nits*: 

So much of the prose (in the beginning paragraphs) is awkwardly phrased. Examples:

* "My arms shiver as I try to rise."—the rest of h/her body probably does, too.  
* "My face drops to the bed."—self-explanatory. 
 * "The blankets grind against the skin of my thighs."—"the skin of" is unnecessary. 

*It smells like the girl's locker room.  *
Odd simile; probably doesn't communicate what you think it does. Not only is the comparison non-informative (I still don't know what the smell is precisely), but there seems little value in distinguishing "girl's locker room" from "locker room".

*Winter Weight*
 14​
A decently-written slice-of-life that lacks a few key pieces of information. Caroline and Deb are, apparently, city girls with (so the assumption goes) high-powered careers that afford them this city lifestyle. Unfortunately, most of that information is not included in the narrative. Also not included is the reason why Caroline feels so pressured to lose the weight, else she suffer the glares and the talk of "everybody" around her. The only way I can make sense of her dilemma is to imagine she has a career in which body image is very important. Then, of course, people would talk. But, again, this (necessary) information is absent. 

Caroline, Deb, and Gary are barely characters. They have no past (and consequently no future) that distinguishes them. Reading this, I've had to make several assumptions in order to make sense of the narrative, and one of those assumptions is that Gary is perhaps a photographer-turned-love-interest. Someone she met on the job. But at this point I'm just amusing myself. 

In such a character-centric story, frankly it's baffling that the basics of characterization are absent. Caroline, Deb, and Gary, if they are to seem like real people, must have histories, careers, like real people. With just a few extra specifics, this story really could have come together. For example, those "everybody['s]" who were going to chatter about Caroline's weight gain could easily have become her colleagues, other models--in this assumption I'm using--but first Caroline needs a history of her own. Ditto for Deb and Gary. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

* "And no family to show for it."—'kids' would be a better substitute for 'family'. 
* "only a matter of time" & "a good game"—cliche.
 * "She stayed strong. [...]"—this paragraph is a clusterfuck. Either you wrote "Caroline" where you meant "Deb", or the whole thing needs to be re-thought/re-structured. 
* "...her still swollen waist."—'muffin-top' is possibly a better, more evocative substitute here. * " She gripped the dumbbells and walked around the gym [...]"—'marched' or 'lunged' are more accurate verbs for the action described (lunges).
 * "...while sweat built around her brow."—'built' is entirely the wrong verb; 'greased' or 'oiled' is far better. 
 * "Her sides began to cramp up."—cut 'up'. There are other examples of this kind of wordiness; too exhaustive for me to do it all. 
* "The kid could have down syndrome."—capitalize Down syndrome; it is a proper noun. 

*Unexpectedly Nude *
( spartan928 )
17​
Thought this was some pretty competent writing. Character, setting, and a whiff of conflict are all present in the first couple of paragraphs, which goes a long way toward anchoring the scene in concrete details and stirring the reader's interest. 

The dialogue is all very natural-sounding, and is the story's obvious strength. I think what is lacking here are some character descriptions. Thomas seems like a somewhat awkward fellow. Here, I imagine him standing out in the savannah, sweating through his clothes as he holds a conversation with an elephant. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel there's an interesting parallel to be drawn between an overdressed Thomas and a herd of elephants lobbying for clothes. Interesting that such large animals would begin to feel modest in their natural habitat; why? I mean, apart from it being part of their "evolution". Some important pieces seem to be missing from this narrative, probably because of the word limit. But I also suspect that the dialogue is excessive here—space is limited, and space is wasted on fun but frivolous back-and-forths. 

I go back to the question of why. Why do the elephants suddenly feel modest enough to ask for clothes? What event(s) precipitated this decision? Maybe the elephants were feeling stalked by tourists. Maybe they had started to believe that the camera-wielding visitors were, in some bizarre way, elephant-pornographers. So Jelani and the rest of the herd didn't want to feel like they were on display. 

This is an example of conflict that adds texture to the story. Presently, there isn't very much conflict in this story. The elephants want clothes "just because", because of their "evolution". That is all very non-specific and boring. And clothes are what they get, essentially. Thomas returns with a sack, says how the council grumbled about the elephant's request, but hey, all's well and good and here's your clothes. The character's need to face obstacles from time to time, otherwise it's too easy. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*but it seems kind of crazy…" // "Mr. Thomas, please," interrupted Jelani *
incorrect punctuation; in the case of interruptions an em dash, not an ellipsis, is used. 

*Trader Joe & The Orkonani Tangle*
19​
Found this to be extremely difficult to critique. Reading this, I was simultaneously impressed, intrigued, and utterly baffled. But—and this, I think is key—always interested enough to continue reading. That has a lot to do with the vividness, creativity, and, often, the quirkiness of the imagery. Often it seems like the story follows its own rules, uses words whose definitions only exist in this world, and yet, and yet, I was still able to follow along and feel as though I have a meager understanding of the overall narrative.

Comforting to be led by confident prose like this, even if the story’s weird and at times a conundrum. The important takeaway is this, however: a) the masterful, and at times playful, command of the language inspires an idiot like me to keep trying, to keep reading in hopes of one day figuring it all out; and b) the strength of the writing assures me the effort will be worth the time. 

A pleasure. 

*Unexpectedly Nude *
_(by stormaggeddon)_
13​
Much of this story either seemed overwritten or pointless. It dwells on scenery that is ultimately not very important. Meanwhile, the characters—Tibephaude and the narrator--are paper-thin; they have no history, there is no sense of who these people are, what their relationship to each other is, how they came to be standing at the edge of a cliff. The narrative doesn't explore what their motives might be, so when they jump from the cliff it seems pretty random. 

Even madmen have motivations. 

What is a reader supposed to take from a story about two guys who leap into the ocean, wake in a strange world, and wander off to explore—naked? There isn't a theme here, which is why the story seems so pointless. Actually, it seems like an excerpt from a larger work. The way the story begins, with two paragraphs of scene description, is rather slow—a pace better suited for a short story or even a novel. In a 650-word piece of flash fiction, those pretty images of the sea and sky (a shade too violet for my tastes) consume valuable space; consider, for example, how much better off this narrative might be if all of the words devoted to scenery were instead devoted to answering any of the characterization issues mentioned above. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*marbled sky vs. cloudless sky*
 these two images seem to conflict; when I think of something marbled, it is typically different shades, streaked with white—fat, or, in this case, clouds. 

*so great a fear did the gut-wrench of falling instil within me.*
 instill

*Something Alive, All Dark and Glistening*
16​
Decent overall. What surprises me is how tame this step-by-step process of pulling a hangnail is. It didn't seem particularly gruesome, didn't make me squirm, or really feel this in any way. I think the fault of that rests with the prose itself. While the story is competently written and interesting, the prose style is somewhat invisible. There are few, if any, unusual word choices, word-pairings, or images here. For this piece to have succeeded better, my feeling is it needed to reach that next level—the images needed to be concrete and also outstandingly creative, unusual, and accurate. At the moment, it aspires, but never really gets there. An example of writing that does succeed where this piece doesn't would be Lia Purpura's non-fiction essay, Autopsy Report. It may be online; I'm not sure.

The other reason this story isn't as effective as it could be is because the narrator is not well drawn. We are so locked into this moment-by-moment extraction of a hangnail that his motivations, his opinions about pain, his pathos, his history, what he does for a living, etc., are never explored. Obviously, including too many of these aforementioned details would shift the focus of the story away from what you intended, but some balance could have been found.

The structure of this is pretty typical of LM entries—the bulk of the story exists to serve the final punchline. This story, admittedly, does it better than most. It's a creative interpretation of the prompt. I thought the final two lines were powerfully evocative. But, sadly, it's the same old tricks at play, and it's extremely difficult to get excited about these kinds of story structures when other important aspects of the craft, like characterization, are neglected. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*in my mom's travel bag and now they were with her somewhere in Norway. *
wordy; "...in Mom's travel bag and were now somewhere in Norway."

*the fluctuating dull-to-sharp pain in my thumb*
 strange word choice in 'fluctuating'; oddly robotic; better is probably a word like 'throbbing'.

*band-aid*
 brand names need to be capitalized.

*Some part of my mind objected, screaming that this was all wrong.*
 more wordiness; "Some part of my mind screamed [that] this was all wrong."

*Sunny Side Up*
 11​
Thought this story was kind of dull. The pace is slow and so little happens in terms of story and character that it's actually hard to believe the full amount of words were used here. So much is squandered. It's apparently such a major ordeal that the narrator fucked some guy and has to fetch her clothes from the living room that the story's basically over, the words have run out, before it gets anywhere. 

The errors in this piece run the spectrum—from the logistical concerns in paragraph one, to technical issues (like tense slips). 

After reading the first paragraph, it seems pretty clear the author did not envision the scene he was writing about, to put himself in the scene and write it from the inside out. It's almost comical that the detail the narrator notices last is the thing most normal folks, in that real-life situation, would notice immediately: the guy lying next to her in bed. Instead, the narrator notices all these other random details—the sun, the closet, the mirror, the balcony, on and on and on. It's totally out of order. Also out of order is the second and fourth sentence. The narrator provides a visual detail of the sun before his eyes are open. 

Additionally, there are tense slips. The story begins in present tense ("I wake..."), then shifts to past tense a few sentences later ("As I opened my eyes ..."). Things stay in past tense for a while, until another lapse at the beginning of paragraph three ("I slide ..."). The slips continue on to the very end. 

There are some instances of filtering, which the narrative would benefit from cutting. Briefly, filtering is when the narrator's ability to perceive is included in the description of something. An example would be: 

*Just then I heard a toilet flush. *
 Just then the toilet flushed. 

What I wonder is: why does this scene exist in the first place? What were the events leading up to this scenario? Who are these people? I think these are all fundamental questions that needed to be answered in order for the story to have succeeded. The story instead focuses too often on irrelevant details and takes too long getting to the important stuff (the answers to those questions + characterization). 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*pecks*
 pecs

*White Willie *
17​
Thought this story did a good job with Willie's characterization. In particular, I enjoyed the breezy quality of the first two paragraphs—the story seems to cover a lot of ground because of the narrative summary. I wish that style would have continued a little while longer, maybe the robbery scene could have been condensed a little. Right now it's a full-blown scene, and a dull one at that. It comprises the bulk of the narrative, and many words are devoted to oftentimes pedestrian, uninteresting details (the mirror—what's the point when it's obvious the Korean knows what the gang is up to?). Jamal's and Carlos's characters lack depth and even physical descriptions at the moment. Though I really liked how Jamal "didn't appreciate Cotton telling him what to do". His insistence on using Willie's nickname says quite a lot between the lines, and struck me as effective, elegant characterization. 

Thought the narrative voice in this was very good. The third person narrator has an uneducated voice, and he's probably not much different than Willie and the rest of these guys—just one of the boys. So the many errors ("It weren't so"; "lived on Northside" instead of "in") serve to authenticate this voice, to make it sound credible. That is largely why I don't see them as errors, but as part of building this setting, the tone. Also liked the dismissive "Chang or Chan".

Overall, I thought this was a good story. Close to being great. The ending was subtle, but effective. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*"Let’s go for some 40’s down at the corner store." *
probably would have cut this down to "Let's grab some 40's". But here's the problem: Willie might be a character who is not only white, but talks all articulate like a white boy. I don't know for sure because the narrative never specifies. None of Willie's friends really make fun of him for his white-boy way of speaking (I wish this had happened). 

A big part of the reason I think this entry could have been stronger if the store scene was shorter, and the narrative summary longer, more expansive, is because more of these anecdotes could have been included. I'm tempted to say that the story even loses focus briefly when the boys enter the store. The scene is too long and drawn out. 

*rundown apartment building *
no need for 'building'

*His wife had never been unfaithful, and after *
many of your sentences could be broken up with full-stops. May be a voice thing, though. Here, changing it to "His wife had never been unfaithful. After ..." cuts a word. The short declarative also, to my mind, sort of mimics his wife's (imagined) protest, falls in with what I'd consider paraphrased dialogue. 

*Caravan*
15​
A decent slice of life that eases along without hardly a trace of conflict—either between these two lovers, or the man with himself, or even the two of them against the elements (the brief period of rain doesn’t seem particularly antagonistic). Would have liked to see more specific details in this piece. It’s not clear what city they plan to get away from, or where they go. Even providing a name for the sea, or the particular land overlooking the sea, would have been an improvement. Currently, the story has very little sense of place—aside from generalities. 

I think the lack of conflict weakens the story. Give them some problem to face. I liked the idea of the man rising early each morning, thought that hinted at some hidden restlessness, or a secret he may have been keeping from his other half. But none of that materializes, and it is slightly disappointing. In fiction, at least, what is sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns is often not interesting enough to sustain interest for a long period. 

Who are these people? Why did they want to get away in the first place? These and other questions related to characterization, if addressed in the narrative, could have produced a much stronger, much more interesting story.

*Nitpicky nits*:
*
the first night would be spent inside the quite caravan*
quiet

*against the cliff edge with all it’s might.*
its; “it’s” is merely the contraction for “it is”. 

*where they stopped of at the pub*
off

*the two of them had made there way into the bedroom to finish of *
their; off

*The Hole *
15​
Thought this was a decent character study. Unfortunately, it didn't really grab me or have the emotional pay-off I'd hoped for, partly because the story loses focus at times. The third paragraph in particular seems to wander. The line about Jim's lost papers seemed irrelevant, and it is hard to believe the government would "forget" a person based on this. Were it true, however, Jim would have had a tough time being admitted to the hospital with no identity on record. 

Wordiness was a problem for this story. This along with a foggy understanding of what the story is supposed to be about is responsible for lines like this: 

*Jim "Tubby" Williams lit his last cigarette with one of the remaining few matches that he had in his pocket. He took a deep breath, *
Rewritten as, "Jim "Tubby" Williams lit his last cigarette and took a deep breath." It doesn't really matter that match is one of his last remaining, or that it came from his pocket. The "last cigarette" is the only thing interesting here. The Vietnamese man is a good detail and it is okay to mention the matches because these two things enable Jim to enjoy his last cigarette which is, again, the important detail. 
*
Tubby scrunched as close as he could to the fire ... *
too much stuff packed into this sentence

I kind of have a problem with the story in general because it all seems very passive—in the sense that Jim merely exists and things happen to him. He goes in search of a coat and just happens to find a wool one that also just happens to fit him. Then he just happens to get his ass kicked, robbed, and just happens to have his life saved by the noble, and very obviously named, Rev Hollis. It's not very compelling. 

Perhaps a way to improve this story is to look for ways to integrate the exposition or the secondary characters with the current narrative. As a way of illustrating Jojo's mental illness, for example, maybe the story opens with how Jim had bartered for the wool coat (which Jojo had found somewhere) with a candy bar, or some Jim Beam, or a snow globe or some other piece of junk. This seems more active and believable than Jim wandering around back and discovering a much-needed coat.

The narrative tells of how Jim had been expelled from Rev Hollis's place three times in the past. That's decent characterization, but again—especially for flash pieces were space is limited—look for ways to link the past with the present. Maybe the reason why Jim was back outside when the narrative begins is because he'd just been tossed out again. What if those guys who wanted to slice him up into pieces turned out to be the ones who kicked his ass and stole his coat? By linking some of these details, the narrative begins to feel like it's building toward something, that the elements in play—like gears—all have something to do with each other and are working together toward a satisfying end. 

Right now there's too much coincidence. Not only is Jim hospitalized, but, golly gee, he meets his sister and life's great, everything's gonna be okay, and it's all kind of sugary and nauseating.

*Senseless*
 18​
Thought this was a pretty creative interpretation of the prompt. Didn't realize it was about mannequins until the story was almost over. A second read was also rewarding, lines like the one about the sister and the grandfather taking on new meaning. Didn't like how the prompt was included verbatim; seen that a couple times in this LM and I'm not sure what compels writers to do that. Pointing out that the mannequin was "unexpectedly nude" just didn't seem to fit the narrative, like it's a too obvious nod toward the rules or something. 

I think the story fizzles out at the end, beginning with the paragraph “Unexpectedly nude …”.  A more resonant ending, perhaps, is ending with an image of shoppers on the main floor ogling some of the latest, trendy fashions, maybe with a final glance at Tammy (I imagine she must feel adored most days).

But this was good. I enjoyed the story. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*Always late, she usually comes rushing*
another example of wordy prose; “Always late, she usually rushes …”

*right before opening time*
vague; better to specify: “…five minutes before opening time”

*this boutique and all the while spewing out all that condescending drivel*
wordy; “…this boutique and all the while spewing condescending drivel…”

*My grandfather was a war hero, luring the enemy’s guns away from the other soldiers. *
Could have been written better; I’ve noticed that your sentence style frequently begins with a clause that is almost thesis-like. Example of a rewrite: “My grandfather lured the enemy’s guns away from the other soldiers [our boys] during World War II.”

*She disappears into the backroom*
back room

*I count seventeen seconds, and my legs land on top of me.*
“…before my legs land [clatter] on top of me.” 

*Torch*
16​
Pretty good story here. I enjoyed it, even though the Southern-esque dialogue seemed a bit over the top at times. I think the intro needs a little work, though. I’d like to see a paragraph or so of expositiony material that covered some of the high (and low) points of Jimmy and Greta’s relationship prior to the head-scorching incident. 

There’s also a believability issue here. The cops would have hauled Jimmy away for assault, at least, and probably aggravated assault, and possibly even attempted murder. So, that the cops don’t do this requires some explanation. Not hard to do—maybe they’re fellow low-lifes, friends of Jimmy. Maybe they would have done the same if the situation was different. But none of that is in the narrative, and I think there should be some clarification on this point. 

The other problem this story faces, and sadly doesn’t overcome, is stereotype. The challenge here is elevating these characters to real people and not cookie-cutter redneck types. Right now, the story’s setting and characters never rise to anything beyond cliche. It’s only the specific scene here—setting fire to Greta’s wig—that has some glimmer of originality and interests me. 

The end, where they’re all gathered together and about to burn Jimmy, kind of reminded me of _The Lottery_. 

So I think for this story to be improved, it had to work harder at avoiding the cliches and stereotypes. The Southern redneck thing is being pushed too hard. Despite this, it was still an enjoyable story, and written engagingly. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*alleycat; spraycan*
alley cat; spray can

*ambul-*
an em dash (—), not a hyphen or en dash, is used to indicate an interruption.

*Practical Problems & Brute-Force Solutions*
17​
An interesting interpretation of the prompt. Enjoyed the Ghost Rules, thought that was a creative way of supplying motivation for the three characters here. 

I think there’s a tense problem in the second paragraph. Currently, it reads as if they were all ghosts when the toaster fell in. I think changing this line to present tense solves the problem: “The important thing is that we are all ghosts [now], Laurel and Suki and I, and our appearances are [a little bit] somewhat compromised.”

I do think the story’s flawed, however. Corpses are typically stored naked, in some sort of bag, in some sort of locker, are they not? Maybe I watch too many cop dramas. But I would think any clothing artifacts would be removed soon after the body is acquired by the coroner, perhaps stored as evidence. So wouldn’t that mean all ghosts are nude?

I think a better caveat to the third Ghost Rule is that ghosts have a window of time, say a couple hours after death, to change their attire. After that, they are forever doomed to wear the outfit (or lack thereof) on the body. 

Obviously this tweak means the story would have to change a little. Becomes more a race against time. I think the urgency would enhance this story, though, and I do like the idea of a loophole in the Ghost Rules that maybe only a few, like Suki or one of the other, craftier characters, know about. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*No more clothes for us.*
would cut this line; no need to spoon-feed the reader

*The results were immediate, and the results were magnificent.*
unnecessary repetition; “The results were immediate and magnificent.”

*Honey!*
_Judge’s entry_​
So, this was a fun little story about a man and his (surprise) android wife. Well written for the most part—the prose doesn’t call attention to itself, but it also doesn’t really interest or excite me, either. Thought this bit of dialogue was too on-the-nose, too expository:

*“Honey, how am I supposed to be Hugh Hefner for Halloween if I’m not wearing slippers?” *
Rewritten: “Honey, how am I supposed to be Hugh Hefner without any slippers?”

This sustains interest, as the narrative has not yet made clear why this guy wants to “be” Hefner, or how he even can. 

Delaying a punchline or reveal until the very end is a common tactic in the LM, sad to say. Most of the time it fails spectacularly, gives the writing an amateurish quality. Not saying those things are true for this piece, though. It’s pretty clear the story is meant to be a light-hearted romp, and the delayed reveal seems necessary for humor purposes.

*Alaskan Summer Sun*
14​
Thought this was an interesting story, though, as the word count shows, underdeveloped. I really enjoyed the brief but specific portraits of these characters, and wanted more. For a story that is basically just a slice of life, and as pointless as life—in the moment—often seems, it’s pretty decent. 

The prose is frequently overwritten, a shade too violet. Beginning with the first line and “the flirtation of a night”. The second sentence there is too long and convoluted; for someone who loves long sentences, I even had a difficult time parsing it. The paragraph would have been improved if the sentence had been broken into two or three smaller ones. 

The “dim hum” and the “incessant incandescents” trying to escape out into the quiet night is another example of overwritten prose. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*coral colored*
needs hyphen; coral-colored

*David Pang sat sucking on a cancer stick*
Up to this point, the narrative distance was sort of in the middle, between a very distant omniscience, and an intimate perspective. Using slang to refer to a cigarette jars a little because it feels like the narrative distance has moved slightly to the intimate/limited side; in other words, the narrative’s neutral tone is abandoned; “cancer stick” sounds like David Pang’s own words—and probably are. But the change is too abrupt. 

*Santi Angula swallowed pain medicine dry while making mental notes*
The way this is written suggests Mr. Angula swallows pain meds quite often during his note-taking process, which a) seems a bit excessive; and b) an inaccuracy/overstatement as a result of bad sentence structure. 

*Morphogenic Fields*
17​
A (potentially) interesting story that loses itself in exposition. It begins in the present moment and then spends much of the time in a flashback that explains how the characters arrived at their present circumstances. I think without the word limit this story could have evolved into something fairly interesting, but at the moment it almost seems like half a story, or the story before the story. It’s unclear where these characters go after the narrative ends, or really what they were doing with the High Priest in the first place. The story seems to focus on the guy’s desire to get laid, but even this motivation isn’t focused—and explored—as well as it could have been. Overall, I was interested in this story mainly because of the oddball scenario, but there’s too many unanswered questions at the moment. 

The prose style is too much its own beast for me to critique or penalize it. On one hand, it is fairly effective at skipping along through time; because of the scattershot, comma-heavy style, it often feels like the narrative accomplishes a lot. On the other hand, sometimes it feels exactly the opposite. Because of the repetition (of ideas/concepts mostly, not words), it often seems like there is no trust in a word to do its work. Instead, there’s sometimes four words, or ten words, to communicate what could be said in half the amount. If that is the preferred style then okay, but it strikes me as a challenge on top of the challenge of working within a strict word limit. 

Having said all that, sometimes the prose was exciting to read. Some interesting word choices (muddy-toed, grass-poked, living gemstones). The vibrancy on a word/sentence level sort of made up for the story’s faults. 

*Nitpicky nits*: 

*Standing around in the cold muck and heather, torches and sandals, black of night, and these stupid robes,*
‘black of night’ seems out of order with the rest of the details here; makes sense the progression would go: “…in the cold muck and heather, black of night, torches and sandals, and these stupid robes,” where “night” leads into “torches” and “sandals” into “robes”. 

*eye-contact; deepest-greens; etc.*
no hyphen 

*muddy toed, grass poked, to somewhere. *
needs hyphens; muddy-toed, grass-poked

*Into a back room, dragged, she’d told him- strip everything, put these on.*
a colon, not a hyphen would be more appropriate here. Alternately, a comma works. Since the dialogue is paraphrased, it could be italicized: “Into a back room, dragged, she’d told him: [,] _Strip everything, put these on. _

*(Un)Clothed by Words*
14​
A bizarre little story about a voyeur / exhibitionist who, apparently, writes a complete stranger into her story as the protagonist, flees outside to look on and … strip naked and masturbate? beyond the bushes (?). Seems pretty tame if that’s the case. Vague, too—no mention of the girl getting undressed outside. At one point, the narrative goes out of its way to mention how the bushes outside the cafe window were just beginning to “leaf out”, so I wonder, if that is so, how the woman goes unnoticed as she slips out of her clothes and becomes “trapped alongside the bushes, unexpectedly nude”. 

Another point of ambiguity is the notebook. I wasn’t sure if that was short for a notebook PC, or just a regular notebook. Seems the latter, but so much in this story is vague and bizarre that I wasn’t sure. 

What is this character’s motivation? So much of the story is focused on external details, bland scene setting, that the truly important question—Why does she do this?—is never addressed. 

It’s also a bit unbelievable that this man, the newly-crowned protagonist in this woman’s story, would a) sit down at her table and open her notebook, rather than doing what most polite folks would do and taking it up to the front counter in case the woman returned; and b) that he would take the notebook, leave the cafe, and return it to the girl. He seems awfully invested for a perfect stranger. Then again, in the land of fiction where the author is the one pulling the strings, dumb coincidences like this seem to happen often. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*They all ordered froo-froo drinks. *
frou-frou

*The girl thought that the guys who came in next*
an example where the superfluous ‘that’ can be eliminated

*She kept writing, writing things the Internet was invented to contain.*
kind of a bizarre paragraph in general; not entirely sure what the story is trying to communicate here. Additionally, the repetition makes the prose a bit too lofty, purple. 

*Watching discretely, she watched his eyes*
careless repetition is damaging to the work’s credibility; suggests it is first draft material.

*Nude*
18​
A well-written story, full of interesting and occasionally vivid details. Thought it was interesting how this unfolds to become more a portrait of Tom than Sarah, even though she is the victim and, as the intro paragraphs seem to suggest, the focal point. But from about paragraph five on it’s all about Tom, how he wooed her, his reaction in the wake of her death. 

I think the reason the story doesn’t grab me is because the emotional hook isn’t quite there. It’s hard to say where Tom goes or what happens to him once the story ends, because there isn’t much to suggest what Sarah truly meant to him. Conversation may have flowed easily, and it may have seemed like a promising relationship, but that doesn’t tell me much about Tom’s past. Was this the first woman to show interest in him in several years?

To create a more potent emotional hook, I think the theme(s) needed to be pushed a little to the forefront. It hasn’t all come together yet. From what I can gather, this story wanted to be—could have been—about the hit-and-miss nature of modern life, how connections are forged and broken seemingly at random, and there really isn’t any point to it all. And maybe that’s what the murder suggests, and why it’s so goddamn tragic—because it was just random, a girl who shouldn’t have been in a particular place at a particular time. 

Really exploring a theme and linking it with various concrete examples could have put this at the top of the competition. It’s almost there, honestly. But the writing is paced too much like the opening of a novel. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

All of my nits focus on breaking one sentence into two, or deleting a particular word, but all of that is personal style more than anything else. A couple examples, though:
*
What protocol existed, after all, they knew, and surely they were doing their jobs, surely all was right and proper here.  *
What protocol existed, after all, they knew. Surely they were doing their jobs. Surely all was right and proper here. 

*music turned down for the six o’ clock news--to talk, to joke, to welcome her.*
music turned down for the six o’ clock news—to talk, joke, and welcome her. 

*From All Sides *
14​Throughout, the prose is often vague. For example, the narrator's fear of being caught (by whom?); "little enough available" seems to refer to hunger, rather than food (what kind of food?); what kind of planes is the narrator talking about? On this point, I think it is fine to go with the generic "planes", but for someone living this world, I wouldn't be surprised if the narrator referred to the planes by their make, or some kind of slang. What were the "busy, angry sounds" the narrator talks about? The bodies in the street could have been vastly more evocative, but again a lack of concrete visuals makes the prose feel vague, boring—"some part, some whole, some soaking". 

The biggest fault of this story is that it details a wartime event, but, due to its utter lack of specificity, has none of the dirt or gritty realism of war. The story also seems rather pointless, in part because the character's motivations are not explored. It appears that the narrator is merely hungry, goes out to hunt for some food scraps, and is unlucky enough to be caught near a bomb explosion. Strangers find and pull him to safety, then abandon him once they discover he is a Jew. This is potentially interesting subject matter, rife with themes, but unfortunately it occurs at the end and is never really explored. 

The final sentence reads too much like a conclusion. I see the necessity of it, though: How else to end a vague, themeless story than with bald exposition? 

The story needed to do a better job establishing time, place, and character at the beginning. The most important, interesting, aspect of this narrative is when the Lieutenant arrives and the narrator is exposed for being a Jew. I feel that should have been the focus of the narrative. The opening paragraphs are too slow; better to open with this: "That night the planes were audible long before the siren." Then, moving on, to establish character and scene: "We were in (some specific neighborhood) raiding dumpsters for foodscraps (or something more specific) when the bomb hit (or: when the next street over, [name of street], buckled and roared with flames." Etc.) 

The "unexpectedly nude" part of this story seems ham-fisted, comical, especially since it was phrased that way. It is not a requirement for LM prompts, like Unexpectedly Nude, to be included in the story exactly as written. 

*Nitpicky nits*:

*dust clogging air *
dust-clogged air

*Failed Charisma Check*
14​
Hang around the LM long enough, and even judge one or two, and you’ll begin to notice a trend, that is, the tendency some writers (mostly newbies) have for these kinds of stories where a surprise or a twist or, in this case, the prompt lurks at the end. I’ve read plenty of stories with this particular structure and, to date, not one has ever impressed. I find myself repeating the same criticism, which I shall do here because it gets to the heart of my dissatisfaction with this story: it ends when it is just finally becoming interesting.

I want to know more about the bearded naked guy. He is your interrupted status quo—your story, in other words—and the focus of the story should have been on answering questions the reader may have had in regards to him. Like, why is he naked? Are the other players naked, too? Is this some weird swinger get-together masquerading as a D&D party?

The prose style, like the man, is average. Clear and easy to understand for the most part, at times vague and lacking imagery (“He was dressed informally, but not sloppily.”), and never really poetic or playful enough, stylistically, to get my attention.
*
There was nothing about him to give away the fact that he was really a dreamer.*
I would think the opposite; his average, non-individuality—as described—suggests he lives in his head and dreams quite often. 
*
Every so often, he'd check his watch, and continue moving along withhis completely average, normal looking stride.*
Comma overuse & wordy; revise: “Every so often he’d check his watch and continue moving along.” “Normal-looking stride” is … nothing, empty words, a non-image. Provide details (concrete imagery) for the reader or don’t bother. 

Biggest reason why this story doesn’t work for me, as stated, is the missed focus and weak integration of the prompt. Determining where your story truly begins is a skill just like writing a good sentence. Here, you’ve got half of the equation right. Imagine if your story was acted out on stage, all the exposition done as voice-over, so on and so forth. We’re learning about this perfectly average, no-named nobody, watching him walk down the street to an unfamiliar address. Once he has found the correct house, he politely knocks. Bearded naked guy makes an appearance, we in the audience—your reader—snicker and perk up in our seats. Then the curtain closes, the scene is over. 

You’d want your money back, right?
[/spoiler2]


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## Gavrushka (Apr 2, 2014)

Congratulations to The YellowMustang on her victory. Well deserved!

What an awesome array of talent was on display this month, so a huge well done to everyone who entered.


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## Dictarium (Apr 2, 2014)

Well it seems I'm the outlier almost all of the time this round, hahaha. Congrats to YellowMustang, nonetheless. That was a really solid piece.

e: And, pancreas, I'll have a real critique for you when I get out of class today.


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## TheYellowMustang (Apr 2, 2014)

I shed a happy tear and called my mom. 

Thank you so much :cheerful: <- this is me hugging everyone in the world. I don't think I've won anything since 5th grade, and that was a really silly one. We all had to ski two laps around a football field at school. The teachers timed us, and the goal was to ski with the same pace both rounds. The only reason I won was that I fell very consistently.


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## Pluralized (Apr 2, 2014)

Congratulations, Yellow! Awesome job. Congrats also to Inky and Spartan, you guys rock.

Thanks to the judges - you guys had a huge workload this time 'round. Also many thanks to Fin for putting up with the mobs and doing all the legwork. Nice job everybody - onward to April!


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## thepancreas11 (Apr 2, 2014)

Yes, of course. Many thanks to Fin for putting this together. I really enjoyed reading all the entrants. It was stiff competition out there. I tried to be really tough, thought I'd come in with a real hard-nosed approach, but they were too much fun to read, really. I think that's why I'm going to do it again this month. Just too much fun.

Dictarium, I'm ready for my review. Please don't hurt me *winces*

Congratulations to TheYellowMustang, one of the most creative and thoughtful pieces I've read in some time, I thought. Congrats are also in order for InkwellMachine and spartan928, both of which had fantastic entries (creepy, might I add to Inkwell, which is always a good thing).


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## spartan928 (Apr 2, 2014)

Congrats Yellow and Inkwell, very tight, excellent stories. Also, thanks to Gav, Pancreas, Dictarium and JonM. The crits are spot on and very helpful. It always leaves me a bit dumbfounded how hard it is to separate myself from a short piece like this because when the feedback comes in it's like "aha, yeah I can see that....why didn't I see it before?".  Appreciate the time and attention the judges put into this with so many entries. Also, thanks to all for submitting, there were great stories in there, some that could definitely be spun into bigger things.


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## InstituteMan (Apr 2, 2014)

Congrats to Yellow and Inkwell and Spartan! This looked like some seriously stiff competition. Thanks to the judges for sorting through the high volume of entries - the number and variety had to make the process hard.


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## J Anfinson (Apr 2, 2014)

Congrats, yellowmustang. I loved your entry. And congrats to the other winners as well. Great stories.


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## W. Dallas (Apr 2, 2014)

Congrats Yellow!  Nice job Spartan, and to my personal favorite Inkwell.   I was particularly struck by how differently each judge sees a piece.  I was thinking of it in terms of submissions to agents and publishers, it only takes one to like it.  Not everyone is going to love your work but keep at it, some will if you write well and with heart.   Just my little peep talk to my fellow entrants ;-)


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## W. Dallas (Apr 2, 2014)

In my story I was going from a William Faulkner type thing.   Not really my style, a big time experiment, which I thought turned out so so.  Thanks to the criticisms from the judges, thoughtful and helpful.  But I need to submit a piece more in my style to get a better feel, this one was way outside my wheelhouse.


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## Pluralized (Apr 2, 2014)

pp - nice work on the ten-point spread.


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## Gavrushka (Apr 2, 2014)

Pluralized said:


> pp - nice work on the ten-point spread.



I think ppsage is one of the reasons I love judging so much. - I've learned so much from appreciating his words in a very different way.

And from you, dearest Pluralized, I've learned that embracing madness can have some beneficial side effects!


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## Deleted member 49710 (Apr 2, 2014)

Congratulations to Yellow Mustang, Inkwell and Spartan! Great entries, you three. It was a really great turn-out with many very good entries, so you should all be extra proud.

Gavrushka, thanks for your feedback! Condensing things can definitely help and you are not the only one who picked out that "surely..." line as needing to be its own sentence. I was going for an indirect discourse feel there, like he's reassuring himself in a hurried way, but I guess it doesn't work.

Thepancreas, sounds like this was maybe overboard on stylistics. Everybody else is pointing out that same line so I guess you all must be right. Thanks for your comments. 

Dictarium, good call on all those noun phrases, I guess there is quite a jumble in that fourth paragraph. This one was maybe a bit too style-heavy, it seems. Glad you enjoyed it overall, and thanks.

Jon, as far as theme you (and Dictarium) are right, it's not coming through enough. Meant for something about not just the brief and random connection but also about the illogic of death, the world sort of turning into this woman's body (still, cold, white, artificial colors), the supposed logic/comfort of protocols and workdays becoming false and inadequate. Which was the point of the line that everybody wants broken up . It would probably help to know more about Tom, yes, to see why/if this is so important for him, what he might do with the experience. Thanks very much for your comments.


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## Folcro (Apr 2, 2014)

Pancreas said:


> Her  Dad instinctively knew where she was, even thought she was in a strange  place? What happened to her fingernails? Why was that so important for  her to notice? What were the thumps? You’ve got so many unanswered  questions, so many ends untied. I don’t meant to harp, but it was  frustrating given how strongly you started.



Thanks to you and to all for the in depth review, Pancreas. One thing that may hold me back from popularity as a writer is that I make some of the strongest aspects of my writing hidden, leaving certain things for the reader to come to, instead of spelling them out. 

For example, her nails were clipped by the men who captured her so that she could not scratch them while they raped her. And her father knew where she was because he was one of them--- he just hadn't realized it was her (wasn't one of the men who actually captured her). Tried to leave a few hints of this, make it haunting when finally figured out. I'll give it another look and see if I can strengthen my hints. Thanks again.


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## midnightpoet (Apr 2, 2014)

Congratulations to the winners.  There were a lot of good stories here.  A few comments on my reviews:
Gavrushka:  Thanks for your critique.  Even though I’ve been writing for some 50 years, lately my grammar has been slipping.  Obviously I’m in need of a review study (of several things).  The hole was a real place, and some of the characters were based on real people.  I am thinking of expanding it to a longer story.  Back in the late 1990’s I did research on the local homeless community (in Dallas) for a novel.  

Dictarium: I appreciate your detailed critique.  The only question I have is your last sentence; I’m not sure what exactly you mean by that.

Thepancreas11: Thanks for your critique.  I could have left out a bunch and it wouldn’t have hurt the story; just couldn’t resist putting stuff in.  I thought adding characters like Mabel and Jojo added to the atmosphere, and yes, I’d like to expand it to a longer story.  

JonM: I appreciate your critique.  I’ll admit at first envisioned a darker ending, but I remembered my last two tries had dark endings, and I shoehorned a halfway decent ending on there.  I noticed, though, that not all the judges shared your opinion on the ending.  This is not a reflection on you, just a comment that opinions differ.  Which is a good thing.  If I do turn this in to a longer story, my ending will likely be different.


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## stormageddon (Apr 2, 2014)

.


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## Gavrushka (Apr 2, 2014)

midnightpoet said:


> Congratulations to the winners.  There were a lot of good stories here.  A few comments on my reviews:
> Gavrushka:  Thanks for your critique.  *Even though I’ve been writing for some 50 years, lately my grammar has been slipping*.  Obviously I’m in need of a review study (of several things).  The hole was a real place, and some of the characters were based on real people.  I am thinking of expanding it to a longer story.  Back in the late 1990’s I did research on the local homeless community (in Dallas) for a novel.



Forgive me. I feel a fool. - For some reason, I'd concluded you were a far younger person, so please take that as a compliment!


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## Dictarium (Apr 2, 2014)

midnightpoet said:


> Dictarium: I appreciate your detailed critique.  The only question I have is your last sentence; I’m not sure what exactly you mean by that.


Only that the transition from the narrative to exposition was a bit jarring. Event transpirance = main narrative. I know I said it a bit flowery.


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## bazz cargo (Apr 2, 2014)

A big THANK YOU to the judges, Gavrushka, thepancreas11, Dictarium and Jon M for taking the time to review my entry.


 An extra big THANK YOU to Fin for the trouble I caused.


 A well deserved congratulations to Yellow Mustang, Inkwellmachine and Spartan928


 This Comp brought out  a tough crowd to compete with. In my eyes everyone was a winner.


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## Jon M (Apr 2, 2014)

lasm said:


> Meant for something about not just the brief and random connection but also about the illogic of death, the world sort of turning into this woman's body (still, cold, white, artificial colors), the supposed logic/comfort of protocols and workdays becoming false and inadequate. Which was the point of the line that everybody wants broken up.


*Protocol* might also be a good (tentative) title for the piece. The various forms. Protocols for investigators, new lovers, a new girl in the city, and so on. 

One thing I forgot to mention in my critique is how the flower tattoo 'blooms' on her shoulder (?). Felt kind of incorrect, given all the story was trying for.

Personally didn't mind that one line. Understood it to be indirect discourse. Was one of my favorites for that reason. Suggested the full-stops because I was just nitpicking.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Apr 2, 2014)

Jon M said:


> *Protocol* might also be a good (tentative) title for the piece. The various forms. Protocols for investigators, new lovers, a new girl in the city, and so on.


That's an interesting idea. Might help; thanks.  You know I'm lame at titles.


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## W. Dallas (Apr 2, 2014)

Pacreas one little nitpick for you

_Believability: I’m sorry, but if three kids, regardless of color, all finger the same guy for the crime, the cops are NOT just going to let him off the hook, especially if he’s at the scene of the crime. They would at least bring him in for questioning._

You obviously have never been to Alabama, lol   Still, I hope there was no racist feel to my piece, the  goal was the opposite.  Like I said before this was a Faulknerish type experiment, and living in Alabama all my life, I felt I had a pretty good handle on it, but doubt I would tackle such a regionalized subject again in quiet this manner.


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## thepancreas11 (Apr 2, 2014)

Oh then I hope I never go to the part of Alabama! Sorry, I know what kind of message it was trying to convey, don't worry. Nothing wrong with writing and edgy piece, but sometimes it just doesn't resonate as much with a reader as you want it to. Trust me, I've had that problem plenty of times here. I'd love to see you put this up in the Prose Writer's Workshop for the mob to have a look at it.


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## InkwellMachine (Apr 3, 2014)

Oh wow. I was actually pretty convinced that Lasm had taken the prize, but the fact that she didn't even place leaves me somewhat bewildered. It was a good piece. I'm sorry it didn't score higher. 

Mustang and Spartan, however--you two have my congratulations. I certainly enjoyed both your pieces, although I perhaps wasn't as taken with the ending of Mustang's piece as most of the other entrants/judges.

As always, I give my thanks to Fin. Brilliant competition, work well appreciated. This goes for the judges as well, whose workload was especially large this month. Without your valuable input, I might not enter at all. Thank you.
*
Gavrushka: *I'm flattered you feel this piece is worthy of publication. You're certainly right about that odd fragmented sentence near the beginning, and I would have fixed it if I'd noticed after posting it. Alas, I became aware ten minutes too late.

*The pancreas11: *Thank you for the compliment. I spend stupid amounts of time on my sentence structure, so it's good to know that it shows here and there. 

I agree with you. The story isn't incredibly substantial. I could argue that it wasn't meant to be compelling and that instead I only wanted to discomfort the reader, but the bottom line is that you didn't feel engaged. And I suppose that's a problem. But I'm hard-pressed to think of how I could turn the story into a more sympathetic experience without spoiling the intentionally detached nature of it all. Something is supposed to be very wrong with what the narrator is doing, and as the reader you have to endure. That's the whole premise of the scene. 

But as you said, I think whether this piece was effective depends very much on the person reading it. I'm not trying to excuse my own planning (in case you think it just does something fundamentally wrong), but as far as I understand things it just didn't appeal to you personally. And that's fine.
*
Dictarium: *I'd just like to say that I love the way you've formatted your critiques. I think this makes it well worth the wait, although I'm a stickler for good presentation. 

Anyway, what a review. I'm glad that it worked so profusely on you and flattered by the notion that I must be "just too good." That's quite a compliment. 

Honestly, I hadn't realized I was doing many of the things you pointed out. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I was trying to submerge the reader in something that became progressively more difficult to read, but the transition between "an anyday occurrence" to "a surreal, gothic, uncomfortable ending"wasn't something I'd originally planned out.

Your response was encouraging, and did a lot of good for a writer with little confidence. Thanks for that. 

*Jon M: *I had a feeling you might not like this piece much. That's perfectly alright.

I suppose I should come clean about the piece and admit what everyone whose read the thing already knows: it's not a story. Or at least certainly not in the way you'd expect. It lacks many integral elements, chief among these pathos, which was more or less non-existent throughout. Read it as a traditional story--reach for some connection with the narrator--and you'll go home disappointed.

I wrote this in the detached manner that I did for one very specific reason: to discomfort the reader. It wasn't planned to be a story so much as it was planned to be an experience. The reader was forced to watch as something irregular happened in an un-extraordinary way with no real rationale. This thing is going on, and you don't know why, and you have no way to make it better. All that you know is that it's very, very wrong. And that's what I wanted.

I'm not sure it did that for you, though. If not, I apologize. Thanks for giving it a read, though, and for your comments.


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## Jon M (Apr 4, 2014)

InkwellMachine said:


> *Jon M: *I had a feeling you might not like this piece much. That's perfectly alright.


Huh. Maybe my reputation as a jackass and literary snob precedes me. 

Truth is, I just want to read prose that is Awesome. Fortunately, prose that is Awesome has no genre.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Apr 4, 2014)

InkwellMachine said:


> Oh wow. I was actually pretty convinced that Lasm had taken the prize, but the fact that she didn't even place leaves me somewhat bewildered. It was a good piece. I'm sorry it didn't score higher.


Hey, thanks, Inkwell. I'm glad you liked it. High scores are nice but good comments are nicer. 

If your goal was to discomfort the reader it totally worked on this one. Squicked me right out. So congrats.


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## escorial (Apr 9, 2014)

well done TYM....


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