# The beginning of my first novel



## EarnBoogie (Sep 18, 2013)

Hello folks! I'm currently working on this Sci-Fi/Drama. Right now, I'm calling it Operation Fallen because I fail at making up names. It's not even halfway done yet, at about 20+ pages but I hope you enjoy reading it. Let me know what you think.



All I had left was this handgun and a flashlight. The battery was running low and the large dark space I was in made me feel uneasy. Most of my companions were either injured or taken away in a swift death. I left them behind. I swore that I would avenge them. Some of the survivors believe that only God can save us now, but I believe we’re going to need much more than that.


  Hours ago, I was shopping with my fiancé at the mall. As we walked past each store, she pointed out something that a family member or a friend of ours might like. It always made her happy to be able to provide for others. She had one of the most amazing smiles. Not because her teeth were the whitest or the straightest, but because it was so genuine and heart-warming.


  We stopped at a shoe store where she quickly browsed through the various pairs of heels and flat shoes. She looked through all of the shoes until she finally fixed her eyes on some Christian Louboutin heels. They were all black with a red bottom.


  “Oh my God… I love em’! Can I have these?!” She said as she tried them on. Little did she know, I was already looking at the price approvingly.


  “Hmm… yeah, that would go nicely with that little thing I like.” I laughed at her jokingly.


  “Yeah right!” She smiled for a brief second and turned away, staring at the ground.


  “What’s wrong, Gabby?” I asked as I came to sit next to her on the small bench. My arm tossed over her shoulder. She hid her face under her long dark hair.


  There was a long drawn out silence and all I could think of was the worst. Did I bring up some sort of bad memory? Or was she about to admit she’s been sleeping with another guy? My heart beat faster at the thought of it. No way… she wouldn’t do something like that! Then she looked up at me, biting her lip as if she was trying to force out the right words to say.


  “Chris… I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m pregnant.”


  When she said those words to me, earlier today I didn’t know how to react. The words constantly danced around in my head until now. I’m going to be a daddy. Why am I even here? I have a family to protect now.


  A clicking sound came from a corner. When I turned to my left to see what was there, the flashlight smacked up against the corner of a table and instantly turned off.


  “Damn it! Pull it together, Chris!” a voice whispered from behind me. I turned to see that it was Michelle. She was a tall, dark skinned girl in her late 20’s, with a long weave tied back under a black Yankee fitted cap. She wore a straight face as she stepped in front of me with a flashlight fixture attached to her machine gun. 


  Michelle pointed dead ahead and I caught a glimpse of a figure. The ears stood up elongated like a bat’s and its arms up to its chest to resemble a standing dog. It definitely wasn’t human. At least not anymore.


  “There it is…” another companion whispered. It was Samson.


  He clenched his favorite glock, a standard issued police firearm, with two hands and peered down its sights through the darkness. He was of Dominican descent, short curly black hair danced over the light skin on his forehead. He was one of the original members of our mercenary group.


  “Stand back, Michelle. I got this one.” Samson said as he shot a wink her way. She rolled her eyes at him and watched.


  The creature crept behind a pallet of boxes and Samson waited. He stared down the barrel of his gun and after waiting for about 10 seconds, he began to move towards it. Michelle and I spread out in separate directions for cover. I barely managed to find my way through the darkness without my flashlight.


  Samson stood at the ready on the opposite side of the boxes where the creature that disappeared. Michelle was setting up for a pincer move, motioning for me to position myself on the right side. I nodded in approval and began to walk around another large pallet of boxes.
  The sound of gargling came from nearby and something was giving off this awful smell. I immediately buried my face in my arm and squinted to see what it was. I looked in horror as I saw there were others…


  Three just like the one we were searching for, were pulling out mouthfuls of a man’s intestines. It was one of the rookies on our team. Apparently, they brought him to the back of the warehouse for feeding. I never took the time to get to know him, and felt a little guilt inside. Everything about these creatures made me feel sick to my stomach.


  Our former squad leader called them the Fallen. They once were people, but the new drug called Chemical X is slowly turning them into something else… something not human.

*Click Click… Click*


  There goes that clicking sound again… from behind? I turned my head to see Michelle running towards me.


  “Watch out!! Above you!” she screamed.


  I looked up to see the hungry eyes of one of the Fallen. Even in the darkness, its ugliness was plain to see. Its ears were long and furry, eyes were pitch black, and its snout was small. The first thing that came to mind was a bat-monkey.


  I fired off a shot as quickly as I could, hitting it in the shoulder before it pounced on top of me. Its strength and weight knocked me straight to the floor and my weapon knocked from my hand on impact. I held its neck and tried to choke it, but that didn’t seem to be working at all. Its mouth opened wider and wider, showing off its short jagged teeth. Then it snapped at my neck, barely missing.


  From the corner of my eye, I saw one of the Fallen running from its half-eaten dinner to aid the one on top of me. The one on top of me snapped at me again, this time biting my left shoulder. I felt my strength slowly slip away and pain taking over. The bite shot through my body as it grinded its teeth back and forth. I lifted my knee between us to try and push it away, but the pain was just too much. I felt it ripping through to my bone and let out a scream in agony.


  This is it… This is how I’m going to die. My body is going to be eaten by these monsters and my unborn child won’t even know who their father was. This sucks… I thought before I blacked out.


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## BobtailCon (Sep 18, 2013)

One thing I'm confused on... If this just happened hours ago, how did he start a mercenary group in just a few hours, with rookies and everyone? how did he already know everybody's names and what guns they like? Other than that, I like the idea, and the premise. I would like to read more.


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## glenn84 (Sep 18, 2013)

Like the idea, but just as BobtailCon pointed out, how the heck did they go from shoe shopping to fighting in a zombie apocalypse in just a few hours time?


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## EarnBoogie (Sep 18, 2013)

Oops. I guess I stopped it at the wrong part. Well it turns out that its a flashback. Its not clear until the next paragraph or so.   Thanks for the feedback though. Every bit helps.


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## TheoMiller (Oct 4, 2013)

I would take care with punctuation use, because pauses at the wrong part will drive readers crazy. But I like the concept, and anything with a reasonable male to female ratio is cool. And as the others have pointed out, the timeline is a bit wonky, but once you iron out the details and distinguish between present and past tense (try using the past perfect on the flashback, as the rest of it is already in past tense, except for his thoughts--and you should distinguish those too, maybe italics?), I think the quick change in tone and environment would make for a good start.


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## David Gordon Burke (Oct 4, 2013)

Reading your story, which has potential by the way, I was drawn to the line " I swore that I would avenge them." I'm cruising right over to my current WIP and deleting that line (and I suppose every new writer in the history of an action book has included it in their work at one point or another)  It's a cliche, and a weak one at that.  
I'm changing mine.  Thanks.

David Gordon Burke


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## David Gordon Burke (Oct 4, 2013)

Actually, mine says after listing the enemy's offense "For that crime, he demanded justice." I still hate it and it needs a change. 


David Gordon Burke


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## ViKtoricus (Oct 4, 2013)

I must say I really liked it. It kept me excited the whole time. I love how you went from romantic shoe-shopping to downright gory-violent against the Fallen. I know that there are people before me who mentioned that it was a bit random or something, but I thought it was a good way to keep the audience excited.


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