# Vultures



## fpak (Jan 6, 2016)

Vultures circle the heads
Of a paranoid city buzzing
With manic depressed mouths.

Your thoughts are rare
And precious. Tattoo them
On every person you meet.
Keep your skin clean
Of convictions.

Buzz your little songs
To people with no eardrums
Who can't hear the vultures
Or see their circling shadows
As they stare at self reflections
In everyone's dumb pupils.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 7, 2016)

fpak said:


> Vultures circle the heads*** Fabulous imagery!
> Of a paranoid city buzzing
> With manic depressed mouths.***One of my favorite lines. .. very original..
> 
> ...


...hummm...I don't like the word "dumb"..it lacks power and drama...

just a few thoughts...this is a fierce poem, with a fabulous message..


----------



## fpak (Jan 7, 2016)

Wow that was solid editing firemajic!! 
All those superfluous "ands" took away from the strength of the poem. Thanks for helping me see that. Editing now.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 7, 2016)

The last line, last 2 words... hummmm.. well I see the imagery.. a huge improvement.. but... read the last line out loud.. the last 2 words lack a certain.. poetic pairing, difficult to say, and chops up the flow... maybe use.. "vacant eyes".. say vacant eyes out loud.. see how smooooth it rolls?? Vacant eyes is just an example.. I hope you understand what I am trying to express.. this poem rocks!


----------



## fpak (Jan 7, 2016)

I understand what you mean. Im still wondering as to what to do with the last line. Corpse pupils has a good image but it just doesnt sound that good. Ill work on it. 
Ill just put in dumb pupils for now. It just seems to work for me right now though see why you might have reservations about it.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 7, 2016)

Maybe... you could make a reference to the vultures in your last line, and sorta mirror your first line..  anyway, I am so glad you understood what I was trying to say.. Thank you...


----------



## Rookish (Jan 7, 2016)

I quite like it : )

It brought about thoughts of a metropolis, far removed from nature and deluded about it's inevitable death.
Within there dwells some who interact with their world in a more frank and lively manner.

The word 'corpse' is definitely an improvement over 'dumb', it stresses the finality(perhaps even futility?) of those that have blunted senses.
It brings the imagery of the last line into a fitting union with the first, I think.


----------



## Sonata (Jan 7, 2016)

I did not see the original, but thanks to Firemajic's advice and your following it, I think that it is a brilliantly powerful poem.


----------



## kbsmith (Jan 7, 2016)

I like this poem more than the others circulating at the moment. 
I think the middle contrasts the beginning and end. Whereas you start and end with some kind of frustration with the idle dullness of city life, your middle seems to play up the importance of these mundane interactions. Interesting stuff. 
For what it's worth, I like "dumb pupils." Dumb seems to remark on the eyes as output devices, in this case they are silent and ill representative of the nothingness that exists behind them, in stead reflecting the nothing of the beholder, who cannot hear/see the vultures as they feast on carrion souls.


----------



## inkwellness (Jan 7, 2016)

I agree with Firemajic. Great imagery.


----------



## PrinzeCharming (Jan 7, 2016)

Great poem, fpak! I admire it even more after seeing Firemajic's edits. The imagery is great! You can start imagining the circling vultures. The implication that the city is paranoid and buzzing allows the reader, regardless of past experiences, to understand there's a lot going on. Immediately, I can picture the people as subjects to the food pyramid. The cycle of life, moving so quickly like food on a conveyor belt at a dining facility, caught up in their own routine. The value to thoughts and freedom of speech (apart from all appearing as mannequins of the workforce) is an additional bonus to the poem. I feel like there should be an edit for the last two lines. I feel as if it takes away the build up from the previous story being told. Great job! Continue writing and sharing with us.


----------



## Blade (Jan 7, 2016)

A thought. Possibly 'density' instead of 'dumb pupils' in the last line. The images of the poem are generally sharp and mobile whereas, in contrast, 'density' sounds leaden and immobile.:-k


----------



## fpak (Jan 9, 2016)

Thank you all so much for your feedback and comments. 
Im still scratching my head over the final couple of lines. Hopefully something will work out.


----------



## escorial (Jan 9, 2016)

first three lines a hoot....the rest was just as good to..


----------



## ned (Jan 11, 2016)

hello Fpak,

I think it's all been said -
but would like to say 'Buzz your little songs' is a great start for the final verse.

Ned


----------

