# I'm talking about you.



## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 12, 2017)

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## jenthepen (Aug 12, 2017)

You grasp the mood delicately and make me feel it too. I couldn't ask more of any poem.

On a mundane note, I think this line would be stronger if you lose the 'why' : You are the reason why I feel alive and dead at the same time.


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## ned (Aug 12, 2017)

hello - but this is prose, given unnatural line-breaks,
as prose - it doesn't hit home, why should poetry have any less vigour?

I'm fed up with substandandard prose pretending to be otherwise...

it's like poetry has lesser standards than prose....the opposite in my view
annoyed Ned


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## sas (Aug 12, 2017)

You used an inordinate number of words to say the same thing, over and over. Try to find more depth.


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## Firemajic (Aug 12, 2017)

bspn said:


> A nervousness, that is not a nervousness. A will to change something that cannot be changed.
> 
> 
> I desire everything and nothing at the same time.
> ...




Hello, bspn.... I really could not connect with your poem/prose/ in any way. The lines above are the reason why... there really isn't a definitive mood, message or emotion... well, because you contradict yourself... QUOTE: " they are the ones that cost to leave behind. At the same time they do not cost." So, I can't really grasp the message, except maybe the poem is about not being able to make a decision, and believe me, I have felt like this many times... so I am thinking that you could edit the helloutta this, refine, keep ONLY the lines that express the core message....
and your end lines: " Thank you for making me feel something.".... what DID you feel? Confused? chaotic? if so, go with that, intensify THAT, then bring in IMAGERY to support your message, thus creating a MOOD... anyway... check it out, these are of course just my personal opinions and are worth exactly what you paid for them


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## Pete_C (Aug 14, 2017)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but what I would do is take some the ideas you have written down in that list, and write a poem about them. It reads like a memo of potential feelings to maybe have one day. There's no emotion, no personality, no angst, no pain or tears or anger or frustration. It's a list.

We want to see your hurt, share your unhappiness, feel empathy with your struggle, but we can't because you haven't bared your soul, you won't show us the scars. You just list things - often very similar things - without adding anything poetic to the piece.


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## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 16, 2017)

First of all, thank you for all the comments. I will try to explain my point of view on this piece. Don't take this the wrong way, we are here to learn, improve and discuss ideas and ways of share how we feel. 

If you are incline to do so, read all of my replies, maybe it can help you understand a little bit more of what I'm trying to say. If this sounds confusing, it's because it is. I'm not "shitting" on you critics, they are all very appreciated, I'm just trying to explain why this piece is the way it is.. not trying to offend anyone! 




jenthepen said:


> You grasp the mood delicately and make me feel it too. I couldn't ask more of any poem.
> 
> On a mundane note, I think this line would be stronger if you lose the 'why' : You are the reason why I feel alive and dead at the same time.



You are absolutely right, sounds and feels much better. I will change it!




sas said:


> You used an inordinate number of words to say the same thing, over and over. Try to find more depth.



I guess it was kind of the point. I don't feel one thing, this is not a feeling or a mood. This is all of those things at the same time, and they are not the same thing. It's a bit complicated to explain, I don't want it to have more depth or any depth at all, I want it to be as real as I experience it. And this was the closest way of doing it that I found at that time.




ned said:


> hello - but this is prose, given unnatural line-breaks,
> as prose - it doesn't hit home, why should poetry have any less vigour?
> 
> I'm fed up with substandandard prose pretending to be otherwise...
> ...



This was not aimed to be prose. I think I know why you say its prose, but for me it's not. I could have structured this in stanzas and it would have become more poem like. But I structured this way because I felt like it. I want this piece to be the way it is. I want it to have the pauses it has, because that's the way I feel it when I think about why I wrote it in the first place.
On a side note, I prefer poetry to prose. It's really amazing.




Firemajic said:


> Hello, bspn.... I really could not connect with your poem/prose/ in any way. The lines above are the reason why... there really isn't a definitive mood, message or emotion... well, because you contradict yourself... QUOTE: " they are the ones that cost to leave behind. At the same time they do not cost." So, I can't really grasp the message, except maybe the poem is about not being able to make a decision, and believe me, I have felt like this many times... so I am thinking that you could edit the helloutta this, refine, keep ONLY the lines that express the core message....
> and your end lines: " Thank you for making me feel something.".... what DID you feel? Confused? chaotic? if so, go with that, intensify THAT, then bring in IMAGERY to support your message, thus creating a MOOD... anyway... check it out, these are of course just my personal opinions and are worth exactly what you paid for them



So, for the "everything" part, I guess this is an inside conflict I have about what do to about what I have build so far. It's always hard to leave something you care behind, but sometimes it's all I can think about..
For the "stuff" part, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I'm tired of. I would use imaginary if I knew why I'm tired or if it mattered, but the truth is, it doesn't and I don't know.

I comprehend why you, and most of the people here didn't connect with my words. There isn't a definitive mood, message or emotion, because in reality it doesn't exist, this is a conflict, these are non-linear thoughts about a person that messes me up. It's not about not being able to make decisions, because in the end, there isn't a even a decision to choose from. I didn't felt anything in particular, I just felt. At the same time, I'm still empty.
I know this sounds vague, but there really isn't much to it.

They are your opinions and they are valuable to me. You took time to read my piece and commented with advice that I will consider on future pieces. 




Pete_C said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way, but what I would do is take some the ideas you have written down in that list, and write a poem about them. It reads like a memo of potential feelings to maybe have one day. There's no emotion, no personality, no angst, no pain or tears or anger or frustration. It's a list.
> 
> We want to see your hurt, share your unhappiness, feel empathy with your struggle, but we can't because you haven't bared your soul, you won't show us the scars. You just list things - often very similar things - without adding anything poetic to the piece.



I won't take this the wrong way mate 
I guess in a way this is a list of what I felt the night I wrote this. A list of what this person makes me feel. At the same time and as you pointed out, it shows no emotion, no personality, no angst, no pain or tear or anger or frustration, because there are none of these. Even tho I feel all this stuff, even tho this person makes me feel is something, I truly feel empty. This is what I wanted to achieve. A disconnection I guess. I know you all want to see the hurt and unhappiness and emotions and feelings and that kind of stuff but there isn't none. There's only me.


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## Firemajic (Aug 16, 2017)

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, I appreciate that, and after reading your comments, I have a new respect for your poem... I still think you can express that "nothingness".. that complete lack of emotion in a more creative way, I think you can take this poem to a higher level... you are expressing a lot in your comments, so you have tapped into the emotions or lack of.... sometimes, emotions are so painful they seem impossible to describe...


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## ned (Aug 17, 2017)

hello - I appreciate your considered reply - and I'm sorry if my critique sounded a bit terse
but it was my frustration aimed at all the prosers...

"I could have structured this in stanzas and it would have become more poem like." - a common misconception.

"I prefer poetry to prose. It's really amazing." - that's great BS, and all us old scratchers would agree.
now, work on those aspects that first amazed you.......
Ned


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## Bayview (Aug 17, 2017)

bspn said:


> First of all, thank you for all the comments. I will try to explain my point of view on this piece. Don't take this the wrong way, we are here to learn, improve and discuss ideas and ways of share how we feel.



This may come down to whether you're writing for yourself or for an audience.

If you're writing for yourself and you're pleased with the piece, then, yay! That's excellent!

But if you're writing for an audience? Poems don't generally come with explanatory posts. The goal for most poets is to get the meaning into the poem itself. So, based on most of the responses here (and I agree with them--the poem felt repetitive to me and I didn't get a clear message of any sort from it), the poem could use some work _if you're writing for an audience_.

Does that make sense? If the poem's for you, carry on. But if it's for others, then I think it makes sense to try to write it in a way that doesn't require an explanatory note.


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## Pete_C (Aug 17, 2017)

Hi bspn, having read your comments I think it raises an interesting point. I understand the point of being unfeeling, disenfranchised, dislocated from emotions, but that in itself is a deep and complex position for anyone to be in. It offers so much scope that might allow you to punctuate the various thoughts to bring the reader into the void!

i really hope you explore this, because it could be a really good exercise in creating empathy from the reader!


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## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 24, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, I appreciate that, and after reading your comments, I have a new respect for your poem... I still think you can express that "nothingness".. that complete lack of emotion in a more creative way, I think you can take this poem to a higher level... you are expressing a lot in your comments, so you have tapped into the emotions or lack of.... sometimes, emotions are so painful they seem impossible to describe...



This "nothingness" is something that I've written over and over and over and over again. This pretty much all I write about. You have no idea of how many things I have written about this topic, and each time it's different. It's possible that I will eventually make a better poem about this, but not this one. I have a rule where I don't rewrite or redo things that I write. Take it as you want it, you may think it's stupid, but when I feel what I write I let it be. There no need to dwell in it.
Thank you for the advice, I will use it certainly!


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## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 24, 2017)

ned said:


> hello - I appreciate your considered reply - and I'm sorry if my critique sounded a bit terse
> but it was my frustration aimed at all the prosers...
> 
> "I could have structured this in stanzas and it would have become more poem like." - a common misconception.
> ...



No need to say sorry mate! You said what you thought and there's nothing wrong with it. It was a critique, and if I can't take critics I may as well leave haha.
I don't know what amazed me in the first place, I just start writing as therapy I guess. I didn't like to write or read, never got the habits. But I needed something else to express myself besides composing music, so yea, writing came in and stayed. I don't invest much time on it tho, I don't really care. I like what I write and that is what matters I guess.
Thank you for your time mate!


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## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 24, 2017)

Bayview said:


> This may come down to whether you're writing for yourself or for an audience.
> 
> If you're writing for yourself and you're pleased with the piece, then, yay! That's excellent!
> 
> ...



I think is obvious to whom this poem was written, or maybe it's not that obvious. This wasn't written for me and was not written to an audience. This was for a person. A specific person, and for that person, this has all the meaning. You can try to understand and try to feel what I wrote, but you will not be successful, for this was not written for you. And I guess that's the point.

The explanatory note came because this is, not only, but also a learning forum, at least for me. I'm here to learn and trough a explanation maybe I can teach you something. That's it. I'm not trying to prove a point.
Thanks for your critique mate.


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## Deleted member 56014 (Aug 24, 2017)

Pete_C said:


> Hi bspn, having read your comments I think it raises an interesting point. I understand the point of being unfeeling, disenfranchised, dislocated from emotions, but that in itself is a deep and complex position for anyone to be in. It offers so much scope that might allow you to punctuate the various thoughts to bring the reader into the void!
> 
> i really hope you explore this, because it could be a really good exercise in creating empathy from the reader!



Thank you for this view. It really is a complex position to be in. As I said before, I already wrote a ton on this topic and it's always different and each time I can put this in a new way that I kinda like. I will try to apply this to future poems! Thanks.


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## ned (Aug 24, 2017)

"I don't really care. I like what I write and that is what matters I guess."

certainly blew the wind out of my sails...

if you don't care, why should anyone else?
what matters is that you communicate your ideas to others, in a pleasing poetic way.
otherwise, you are just clumsily getting stuff off your chest, without any thought to the reader.

don't you want to improve as a poet - to better relate these emotions?
if not, why are you posting here?

becalmed
Ned


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