# VCU - page 87 of autobiography essay



## murdockpt (Mar 25, 2011)

.


----------



## murdockpt (Mar 25, 2011)

.


----------



## Draxia (Mar 25, 2011)

This is a college entrance essay? Are you specifically applying to the English program? If not, start over.

If so, then streamline what you are trying to say.

No college entrance board is going to want to read something so long-winded. Cut it short and concentrate on saying something pertinent.

I can appreciate the sub-conscious level your working for, but it reads so randomly that there is no sense to be made of any of it. You always want to write as if you are making a specific point. If you did so, your point eludes me. Keep it short.


----------



## murdockpt (Mar 25, 2011)

.


----------



## Draxia (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, I'll be blunt then. It reads like a bad LSD trip. Clean it up. Identify the point you are trying to make, and center your writing around that point.

Don't try to be cute with a "it is, but isn't" maneuver. I can't imagine any college entrance essay asking you to write "page 87" of your bibliography, and even if it did, they wouldn't want the mess you initially wrote.

Think of the central point you are trying to make, and then make it. Get rid of anything extraneous.

Focus on your primary point, write as if you are keeping this in mind, and maybe you'll fanagle something coherent from it.


----------



## murdockpt (Mar 26, 2011)

.


----------



## paintedglasses (Mar 30, 2011)

On your story: Proofread it. Cut the unnecessary. Proofread again. Repeat. It could probably be a third as long as it is. As it stands it's just a wall of text that doesn't say anything and makes me not want to read it.

On getting into college: Don't do this. Or, at least write the narration autobiographically. Right now it's just first person narration, with the action unfolding before our protagonist's eyes. Write as if they know what is going to happen - because they do know what is going to happen. You need the perspective of having already lived through it.

But then again you're trying to get into VCU art school, so you should probably just write a page about living in a run-down house in the Fan and smoking weed all the time. They should let you in fine with that.


----------



## murdockpt (Mar 30, 2011)

welp. this forum is now on my ignored list.


----------

