# Silent Sparrow



## Firemajic (Aug 14, 2016)

_Afraid to sing
silent Sparrow keeps silent
hiding hope within her heart
shielding her shy song

Sad mute Sparrow
shivering with sorrow she weeps
suffering in silence
her secret song still secret

Silent Sparrow seeks
scouring the hopeless city
searching for courage to sing
her secret song of hope

She longs to sing!
without courage she is cowardly
hope dies in her hopeless heart
her secret song unsung ...

_


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## MattDavies (Aug 15, 2016)

Hey,
the use of sibilants here is great. Like in 'Silent Sparrow seeks/Souring the hopeless city.'
To me the effect of that is like a voice emitting a sound, but biting back on itself too much to speak.
The aspirants in 'hiding hope within her heart' is also a strong, strong phonic. There's other alliterations in here too. I think that creates an almost, basic, chunky, sound to the phonics - like learning to speak (in this case sing).
Maybe a point to consider is that repetition, like in 'her secret song still secret' as well as elsewhere, sounds a bit unnecessary in my opinion. I think that you could create more detailed descriptions by using other adjectives.
Others might like the repetition though, it's all just opinion.
Good work.


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## jenthepen (Aug 15, 2016)

I can feel the frustration here - harbouring a hope but fearing the rejection that might result from expressing that hope. It can take more courage than many people realize, to lay out our feelings for others to see.

A gentle and enigmatic poem that touched a nerve in my own character. I like this one a lot.

On a more mundane note, did you mean 'scouring' in stanza three? Souring works too but the following line makes me think it might be a typo?


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## Firemajic (Aug 15, 2016)

Hello Matt, Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread... Thank you for reading and commenting on "Silent Sparrow"... I am glad you understood what I was trying to so with the different sounds and repetition ... I appreciate...  )

jen, It is always a pleasure to read your comments, you get the soul of my message, and that is sublime... oh, yeah.... I fixed the typo... thank you... I appreciate your insightful critique ....


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## Bard_Daniel (Aug 18, 2016)

Sad poems are my favorite. This is no exception.

A job well done, Firemajic!


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## Shay Sloan (Aug 19, 2016)

The portrayal of hope as a form of (subtle) duality here is beautiful. I loved your usage of alliterations, it was done expertly. It was thoroughly a highlight of this work. The creation of sounds, as it has been pointed out already, is incorporated in very interesting patterns - a sing-song to follow along this very "journey". A great read, thanks for sharing.


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## Firemajic (Aug 19, 2016)

Well thank you Shay! I looove to play with words and sounds... it is like working a poetic puzzle, and part of the fun is experimenting with which word works best... We studied Alliteration last month, in the Pip challenge... This month we studied assonance... so it has inspired me... Thank you for your fabulous comments...


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## ned (Aug 20, 2016)

hello - yes, I like the lyrical slant of this poem - with nice alliteration and a melancholy message, 
that somehow remains just out of reach - lovely thoughts.

not sure about the repeats - although, ironically, they seem more natural on repeated readings.
maybe put a repeat somewhere in every verse, for consistency.

not mad about a couple of lines in the final verse
_without courage she is cowardly
hope dies in her hopeless heart
_to me, it's like saying - she is outside because she is not inside
I would consider changing cowardly (which sounds a tad too strong) and hope or hopeless -

- love the last line - ......song unsung....is anothe ironic twist, because it sounds like it is sung.

cheers
Ned


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## Pidgeon84 (Aug 20, 2016)

I teared up a bit. I relate to this a lot. Love it.


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## Sonata (Aug 20, 2016)

I am surprised I had not noticed this before now.  It is beautiful Juls and I love it.  Thank you.


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## Firemajic (Aug 22, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - yes, I like the lyrical slant of this poem - with nice alliteration and a melancholy message,
> that somehow remains just out of reach - lovely thoughts.
> 
> not sure about the repeats - although, ironically, they seem more natural on repeated readings.
> ...






Thank you Ned, I always appreciate your feedback and sharp insight... I am not disagreeing with you at all, but I love to use the same words again and again in a poem, but in different contexts... Hope dies in her hopeless heart is one of my favorite lines in this poem..hahaaa... Hopelessness is what kills hope... if there is a tiny bit of hope, hope can hang on and maybe flourish.. thanks again for your thoughts... 

Pidge,  You understood the secret song of this poem... and that is sublime...Thank you...

Sonata... Thank you for the nice comment, I appreciate...


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## shedpog329 (Aug 22, 2016)

breathtaking piece, really enjoyed this one Julz


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## Firemajic (Aug 23, 2016)

Thank you shedpog, it is always a pleasure to read your comments, I appreciate...


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## kaminoshiyo (Aug 24, 2016)

The third verse is so powerful- I instantly connected with it. 

This must be hell for the person that goes through it.


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## Firemajic (Aug 25, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> The third verse is so powerful- I instantly connected with it.
> 
> This must be hell for the person that goes through it.




Thank you for your thoughts and for reading my poem... I appreciate...


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## sas (Oct 19, 2016)

For myself, too much of a tongue twister when read aloud. I do for every poem.  Perhaps a little less alliteration?


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## Firemajic (Oct 20, 2016)

sas said:


> For myself, too much of a tongue twister when read aloud. I do for every poem.  Perhaps a little less alliteration?






LMAO... yeah! I went a little crrrazzzy ... it felt so good I couldn't stop... but, I will try to use restraint in the future...  Thank you so much for reading and commenting...I appreciate...


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## sas (Oct 20, 2016)

Glad you took my comment in good stride. I love alliteration & assonance in my poetry, so I always read it aloud to catch when overdone. It takes one to know one. Smiles.  sas


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## Firemajic (Oct 20, 2016)

sas said:


> Glad you took my comment in good stride. I love alliteration & assonance in my poetry, so I always read it aloud to catch when overdone. It takes one to know one. Smiles.  sas


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## Phil Istine (Oct 20, 2016)

sas said:


> *l*ittle *l*ess a*ll*iteration?



Please tell me this was a joke


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## sas (Oct 20, 2016)

nope..."she sells sea shells down by the seashore"   only good for nursery rhymes or fun...


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## sas (Oct 20, 2016)

I hope Phil doesn't think I'm dissing alliteration & assonance which I know he uses exceptionally well.  I love both. Preferable to rhyming for me. Guess I like that they give discrete melody to poems, unlike rhymes.


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## Phil Istine (Oct 20, 2016)

sas said:


> I hope Phil doesn't think I'm dissing alliteration & assonance which I know he uses exceptionally well.  I love both. Preferable to rhyming for me. Guess I like that they give discrete melody to poems, unlike rhymes.



Generally, I prefer alliteration and assonance too, but there's room for rhyme as well depending on what needs to be achieved.  I've been quite surprised to discover so much enjoyment in poetry, as that wasn't why I came here initially.

Oops! Sorry Julia.  I'll stop hijacking now


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Nov 2, 2016)

Decent poem make it more flowery though, I think it's average though I think you should increase the metaphors though and be more creative with the imagery. Just my 2 cents


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## Firemajic (Nov 2, 2016)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Decent poem make it more flowery though, I think it's average though I think you should increase the metaphors though and be more creative with the imagery. Just my 2 cents






Thank you, CrimsonAngel.... I appreciate your feedback.. welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, I am looking forward to reading your work..


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