# My feral Americans



## M.R Steiner (Nov 17, 2017)

*Removed for rewrite : My Feral American*

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## Birb (Nov 17, 2017)

Keep in mind that anything I say is mostly my opinion (b/c I'm sh** with spelling and grammar) and use it as you will.

I'm gonna start off with saying that I like the idea, but not the execution

(Quick side note 
"Sarama?" Mom calls. "Honey, you're going to be late for school." misspelled her name there o

I don't like the way this scene is set up. This seems like the stereotypical "Some strange thing happens to the kid and while everything is happening Mom and/or Dad barge in and kid almost gets caught" sort of scenes. Not to say that it isn't written well because I certainly wasn't bored and it was very easy to tell what was going on (Which is good, IMO) it's just that you could do so much more to get the same point across.


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## M.R Steiner (Nov 17, 2017)

Thanks for spotting that spelling error. In regards to plot, I decided to keep it simple as I'm aiming it at younger adults. My main worry is with flow and my general ability to write fiction, which I've been a little paranoid about recently. 

You're a star :cheers:


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## Jagunco (Nov 19, 2017)

I think kids would like this. Its not my cup of tea, which is no reflection on the work but it does seem well aimed at what young teens read these days


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## Bayview (Nov 19, 2017)

I'd haul out the old show/tell thing for the first sentence. You open with "tell", and while telling absolutely has its place, I'm not sure it should be the first lines of the novel.

And then I'm not sure I understand why Mom's so demanding about coming in - it feels like she's acting that way because it's what the plot needs rather than what the character would do. Maybe they share a bathroom and Mom needs to come in to get ready for work?

Similarly, the dialogue feels a little "As you know, Bob," especially in terms of describing the girl's appearance. Would Mom really talk to her daughter like that? As if it's the first time she's ever mentioned her daughter's looks?

Overall, I feel like you're maybe over-focused on setting the scene and getting all the relevant information to the readers as soon as possible. I think you've done a good job of that (I feel like I know what's going on in this world) but I actually wonder if you've done _too_ good a job... sometimes some mystery is good to intrigue readers and make them keep going.

Why did you decide to start your story _here_? She's been experiencing symptoms for some time, so you're not starting at the beginning of the condition. And no _immediate_ danger has presented itself, so you're not starting at the beginning of the central conflict. This scene feels like it's mostly here just to set up the situation, and for my taste that can be done elsewhere, once the action really starts.


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## M.R Steiner (Nov 19, 2017)

Thank u for your comments 

What I really want to know is that on a technical level, is anything wrong with my writing? Especially on a level of grammar and what not?


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## Bayview (Nov 19, 2017)

M.R Steiner said:


> Thank u for your comments
> 
> What I really want to know is that on a technical level, is anything wrong with my writing? Especially on a level of grammar and what not?



Are you looking for totally standard English? If so, I'd look it over for comma splices - you've got one in your first paragraph. (Comma splices are when you glue two complete sentences together with a comma - it should either be two sentences, a semi-colon, or you should add a connecting word like "but" or "and").

I'd put a hyphen between "wide" and "eyed" in the second paragraph, but usage seems to be moving away from that so it may be a question of taste these days.

"All focus pulls me towards the unfamiliar reflection" is weird - what the hell does that phrase mean? What is "all focus" and how is it pulling _her_ anywhere? Possibly it's her focus that's being pulled? I have no idea.

Then another comma splice for the italicized sentence.

I'm a terrible copy editor, mostly because I hate it, so I'm not going to keep going, but maybe you can find someone to trade work with and see what they can pick up? If this is the finished version that you're committed to, you'll need to make it as clean as possible.


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## Bayview (Nov 19, 2017)

M.R Steiner said:


> Thank u for your comments
> 
> What I really want to know is that on a technical level, is anything wrong with my writing? Especially on a level of grammar and what not?



Are you looking for totally standard English? If so, I'd look it over for comma splices - you've got one in your first paragraph. (Comma splices are when you glue two complete sentences together with a comma - it should either be two sentences, a semi-colon, or you should add a connecting word like "but" or "and").

I'd put a hyphen between "wide" and "eyed" in the second paragraph, but usage seems to be moving away from that so it may be a question of taste these days.

"All focus pulls me towards the unfamiliar reflection" is weird - what the hell does that phrase mean? What is "all focus" and how is it pulling _her_ anywhere? Possibly it's her focus that's being pulled? I have no idea.

Then another comma splice for the italicized sentence.

I'm a terrible copy editor, mostly because I hate it, so I'm not going to keep going, but maybe you can find someone to trade work with and see what they can pick up? If this is the finished version that you're committed to, you'll need to make it as clean as possible.


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## M.R Steiner (Nov 19, 2017)

this was exactly the kind of advice I was looking for, thank u so so much  A+ for effort


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## Moonbeast32 (Dec 1, 2017)

I know this is a terrible this to say, considering that you've already written the whole book, but the themes I see in this first chapter are so cliché, I almost groan when I see it yet again. 

clichés are not bad by nature, but by using them, you risk perpetuating ideological stagnation in literature. This first chapter tells me that the book is going to be about either A, the story of a girl who struggles with accepting the reality of her situation; she will need to come to an acceptance with what she's become, and whatever new lifestyle she is forced to adopt. It will either be that, or B, the story of a girl who lives in a world that does not tolerate what she is through no fault of her own. she will need to fight against the oppression, or she will need to teach the world how to tolerate her and her kind.

I'm not sure if you know what I'm trying to say, but my point is, these themes have been done so many times before already. Now I can't say for sure what will happen in the remainder of your book, but if you have used the forementioned plot lines, I hope you've done them in ways that clothesline the reader's expectations. By violating the typical conditions and story elements of an otherwise too well known thematic setting, you can use the cliché to your advantage and introduce new thoughts and statements to the ideology.

But maybe I'm mistaken about what this story is about. This is just what I've guessed based on reading the first chapter. if I am wrong, perhaps you would consider revising the first chapter to reflect the real story?


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## Ralph Rotten (Dec 1, 2017)

The first three lines are a mismatch.  You start out with the first person, casual, but the second sentence sounds like a writer.  Then the third sentence totally switches gears.

I always have trouble reading clips posted in forums because it destroys the formatting.  Dunno why, it just makes the text look wonky.


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## sailorguitar (Dec 5, 2017)

Can you exolaun the title?


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## M.R Steiner (Dec 8, 2017)

The title is supposed to be a play on the phrase 'My Fellow Americans'


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## M.R Steiner (Dec 8, 2017)

That's an awful lot of assumptions from a very short first chapter  

Alas, fiction is subjective, otherwise, 50 shades would be in the trash heap where it belongs.

I get that these themes may not be original, but what is nowadays? Everything we read and watch is merely a combination of different inspirations.
And to paraphrase Neil Gaiman, 'No one has a market on your voice, for example, there's a reason Tarantino movies are successful, his ideas have been done a million times but no one does it like he can because he has his own style and voice. And at the end of the day, a lot of writers sound like other people before sounding like themselves.'

Thank you for your time for reading my work


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## Yours Truly (Dec 22, 2017)

Admittedly, I'm no great writer. All my edits here are just my opinions on changing sentence structure, to something I think would flow a little better. Take what you want, ignore what you want. Just offering an opinion.




M.R Steiner said:


> I *completed* this book at about *75k* a few months ago. now it's time to edit. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> *Chapter 1: Growing pains*
> 
> ...



Overall, I really like it. It's an interesting idea. :thumbr:


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## TKent (Dec 22, 2017)

I actually like that first sentence as a hook. It made me want to read on. And I like your general style as well. Keep in mind that not every "rule" applies to every situation. Tell has its place. I suggest you gather feedback then analyze it. If you don't agree with it, try to determine why you don't agree with it. That exercise in and of itself can be very useful.


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## M.R Steiner (Dec 23, 2017)

Thank you so much for the comprehensive review  Those are all really good points I will definitely take into account during the next draft.  

your rock


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## M.R Steiner (Dec 23, 2017)

You are quite right, while others may not like the hook, I always try to make my stories hit the ground running, which in YA is very important


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## Riptide (Dec 29, 2017)

I thought this was a cool beginning. You set up a character, a conflict and some mystery, all good things to have in the beginning.



M.R Steiner said:


> I *completed* this book at about *75k* a few months ago. now it's time to edit. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> *Chapter 1: Growing pains*
> 
> ...



I like the ending, and the start. I think you have a grand idea here, someone trying to hide their slow turn into being a Feral.  I do think you can add some more detail here and there, and give us some follow through, like with the injured hand, did she wad it up in toilet paper, or something? Then the snapped off bit, I'm thinking Hawk talon which is pretty big.


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## M.R Steiner (Jan 8, 2018)

Thank you so much for your time and effort to help me improve this  I'll put your suggestions to work posthaste in my next draft


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## M.R Steiner (May 23, 2018)

*ORIGINAL DRAFT

Chapter 1: Growing pains*


I've grown my first claw today. It's not something that I'm happy to admit, in fact it's terrifying.

Wide eyed horror is the only look I can give as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror. All focus pulls me towards the unfamiliar reflection of my thumb where a long sharp curve pokes out instead of a nail, belonging to something more like a cat, or a hawk.

_It's getting worse, how much longer can I hide this?_

Two knocks strike the closed door behind me.

"Samara?" Mom calls. "Honey, you're going to be late for school."

_She can't see me like this._

I'm tight lipped, the screech of the opening drawer to my left bounces off the tile walls in my hectic search for nail clippers, scissors, anything.

"What's taking you so long?" she asks.

"Just a second," I yell.

Another thump hits the door.

"Samara, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'll be right out..."

My hands keep twitching, unable to separate the mounds of boxes and cotton balls inside the drawer. I can't even find a file.

_What the hell am I going to do?_

"Samara, open this door now."

The handle begins to twist. She knows something's wrong.

"Don't come in Mom."

"Why?"

"I'm not dressed, alright?"

Her words becomes a babble of vowels, my rising heartbeat drowns out the world as I plunge my new claw into the round grate of the sink's plughole.

"That's it, Samara, clothed or not, I'm coming in."

She'll ask to see what's in my hand if I hide it.

The door's hinges creak open past my ears. I'm out of time.

_If anyone finds out about this, I'm finished, just like the others._

There's no other option. One final surge of panic forces me to press my thumb backwards. The claw bends then snaps.

My pain filled yelp fills the bathroom. I hear Mom rushing up behind me. But all I can focus on is the blood dripping red spots against the white sink.

"Honey, what happened?" she asks.

A press of her palm ruffles the bathrobe hanging on my shoulder, prompting me to face her curly haired reflection in the mirror.

"Just a hangnail-" The pain stammers my sentence. "-I tried to get rid of it and had a little accident."

"Let me see."

She pulls my hand close to her face, the raw patch of flesh now blessedly claw free.

"Oh, honey, that looks bad."

"I'll be okay, I just need to get a bandage around it."

"Want me to-"

"No Mom, I can handle it."

We glance at one another, her concerned expression shifting to a smile.

"Okay honey, I get you're tougher than you look, just like me. You even kind of look like I did when I was your age."

_Really, you had claws too?_
I can't let on what I really think or feel. Instead, my mouth moves to mimic her grin, covering up the panic inside.

"It's true Samara, I mean... yeah, I have curls, your hair may be straight as an arrow, but you get that black shine from me. Those green eyes are your Dad's though, god rest his soul."

Her sad reminder sends a sinking feeling in my gut, leaving me to ponder if my father was the reason this change is happening to me. Even trained doctors don't know why some people turn Feral while others don't.

"Maybe you should have the day off school honey? Just in case one of those monsters picks up your scent, the news says that those animals can smell real human blood a mile away."

"No, it's okay, besides our school's got the National Guard outside. They wouldn't dare attack, what place could be safer right?"

"Those beasts don't think like regular folk anymore-wait a minute, I just realised something."

She goes quiet then glares at me with a slanting brow.

_Does she know the truth?_

"Samara, I think you're the first kid in history to not jump at the chance for a day off school?"

I force out a laugh, my voice sounding half hysterical as I say, "Guess I'm just a devoted student."

"Then you'd better get ready, the bus will be here soon. Put some ointment on that thumb before you bandage it though. I'll put your breakfast on the table."

She walks out into the hall. I listen to each of her footsteps. The patter of her slippers gets far enough away for me to slam the door shut.

I'm safe for now. All that stress over almost being found out turns my legs stiff, making me lean against the wall as a huff of relief passes my lips.

"That was close."

_I still have to see if anything else has changed overnight._

My clammy grip wraps around the cord of my bathrobe. The knot unfurls. My shoulders hunch to drop the pink fabric to the floor.

"Oh god, it's worse than I thought..."

The mirror shows my striped fur tail as it unwraps from around my waist like a belt-my first physical symptom-not at all new. What is new, however, are the striped patterns just under the skin of my stomach.

How much longer till Mom finds out? Sooner or later, everyone will know the truth.

_I'm Feral._


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