# An extreme solution



## Andrew78 (Nov 2, 2017)

*An extreme solution*

Thin body, timorous, wobbly shambling: Mrs. Lora Smallwitted, ninety six years old, a widow since she was seventy, dragged her tired old skeleton up to the stairs to her London flat. 
“I’m coming, I’m coming!”, she bawled at the ringing phone, as she was about to open the door.
“Hello?!”
“Hello, is this Mrs. Smallwitted?”
“Yes, it is!”
“Good morning, ma’am, I am the director of the Department for Work and Pension, looks like there has been some sort of inaccuracy in calculating the amount of your pension. So, we definitely owe many quid to you. Is it ok for you if I drop by at your home tomorrow at 3pm?”
“Yes, sure, thank you _very much_!”, spluttered Mrs. Smallwitted down the receiver.

“Mom, what the _heck _are you talking about? Now, the director himself of the Department for Work and Pension coming to your place to give cash back to you?”, answered Alan, Lora’s eldest son, who had been called at the carpenters by his mother on cloud nine. 
“But… But… he told me that…”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it… tomorrow at 3pm?”

------------------------------

“Good afternoon, ma’am”, the man, followed by a dodgy looking flunkey, put an assortment of papers on the kitchen table.
“Let us get down to business at once: as I’ve already told you, because of a mistake of ours, we gave you less currency than you deserved. Nonetheless, we are obliged to check the serial numbers on the notes we bestowed to you formerly, so, if could please just grab ‘em for a second and disclose to us…”
“Sure”.

From the bathroom streamed John and Richard, two great-grandsons of Lora, equipped with a pickaxe, a spade and a rake. From the bedroom materialized Frank and Mark, two grandsons of Lora, outfitted with a bat and a chain.

Lastly, from the living room, emerged Alan and a friend of his. Alan was brandishing a chainsaw, whereas his friend was carrying a sledgehammer. 
The odd-sorted gang, Alan at the head, neared the two buddies who, in the meantime, had childishly huddled in a kitchen’s corner, like two tots lost in the woods.

“Now, I think you know what’s going to happen to you, don’t you?”, hissed Alan, grinning and stooping down towards the two guests.

Andrea Mucciolo


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## dither (Nov 2, 2017)

78,
it's hardly a story, but it has the bare bones of one and I love the subject-matter.

Doesn't have to turn out bad of course.

Meat on bones please.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 3, 2017)

*"Thin body, timorous, wobbly shambling: Mrs. Lora Smallwitted, ninety six years old, a widow since she was seventy, dragged her tired old skeleton up to the stairs to her London flat. 

*^I love this opening, and the reason I love it is because it contains exactly the right amount of detail. It does not go overboard like many others intros do and yet we are instantly there. 

For the most part the rest of the piece is equally well written. AS mentioned, it does not feel completed in any sense although with minimal editing I think you could probably have a piece of serviceable flash if that's what you're going for. You definitely have good ability.

The main problems are in the dialogue. I don't recall if you said if English is your first language or not? In any case, it doesn't matter, but the dialogue needs some work. Try reading it out - or better yet have somebody else read it out - and hear how the flow is difficult and perhaps a little unnatural. The best example is this:

_*“Good morning, ma’am, I am the director of the Department for Work and Pension, looks like there has been some sort of inaccuracy in calculating the amount of your pension. So, we definitely owe many quid to you. Is it ok for you if I drop by at your home tomorrow at 3pm?”
*_
So I'm not British but I lived there for some years and I can tell you that nobody, least of all anybody working for the government, would ever say 'we definitely owe many quid' to you. It's just not in the lexicon. They would give an amount. If no amount was available - if you wanted to make it seem shady - they would say something more along the lines of 'an undisclosed amount'.  
_*“Let us get down to business at once: as I’ve already told you, because of a mistake of ours, we gave you less currency than you deserved. Nonetheless, we are obliged to check the serial numbers on the notes we bestowed to you formerly, so, if could please just grab ‘em for a second and disclose to us…”
*_
^ This is poorly punctuated with an overlong sentence and again just does not sound like something that would be said. "if could please just grab 'em for a second and disclose to us" does not make sense and does not sound like something a government person would say. You are mixing colloqualisms with formal speak far too confusingly for this not to sound like a comedy sketch.

Good luck, and keep going.


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## SueC (Nov 3, 2017)

I wanted more too. I don't know much about life in England, but I was taken by the shift from someone from the government coming to give her money, to this gang of people hiding out in her house in preparation for that meeting. Is there something fishy about this? Of course, a government admitting to underpaying someone is probably unique, but the response of family members seems to be extreme. Maybe if we knew more of the story it would flow better. Is your main character given to story telling? Is the phone call some sort of code for "I'm going to get you"?Von gave excellent suggestions on vocabulary, etc., but I wonder why everyone is so alarmed. Please keep working on this, and if you have a re-write, I would love to read it. Thanks!


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## Andrew78 (Nov 3, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> The main problems are in the dialogue. I don't recall if you said if English is your first language or not? In any case, it doesn't matter, but the dialogue needs some work.



Hi, first of all thank you for the detailed feedback. No, I'm not native of English, I'm italian and I've never lived in a English speaking country, so definitely I have got some limits.




> You are mixing colloqualisms with formal speak far too confusingly for this not to sound like a comedy sketch.
> 
> Good luck, and keep going.



This is what I wanted to do, I did on purpose, on the italian version as well, but many people did not like this, so I guess I did not reached the goal I had in mind.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 3, 2017)

Andrew78 said:


> Hi, first of all thank you for the detailed feedback. No, I'm not native of English, I'm italian and I've never lived in any English speaking countries, so definitely I have got some limits.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think you have great potential. I hope that was made clear in my previous post. What you struggle with - the dialogue - is always going to be difficult if English is not your native language. Your actual prose-narrative was excellent and it’s a good idea. I pretty much like anything to do with schemes. 

What I recommend is to perhaps listen to some recordings of English speaking people (from London in this case) and pay close attention to the distinct vocabulary, rhythm and sentence structure of the spoken discourse. Try then typing out a transcript of what is said as close as possible to the recording. This will help. It helped me.


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## Roac (Nov 3, 2017)

Like others have said, this story has potential. I liked the subject matter and the, almost over-the-top twist, as everyone emerges from various areas of the house. 

What I found difficult with the story is that there are a lot of events happening in very few words. I think it would be helpful if there were some more details. Maybe you could expand upon how Lora felt during the phone call and the reaction of Alan to what his mother told him. These two sections could also be blended together.

The addition of other senses could really add to this story. Having Alan brandishing a chainsaw is one thing, but having him enter the kitchen pulling on the cord and roaring the machine to life, while the kitchen light reflects off the machines menacing teeth and the exhaust fills the room, in my opinion, adds to the action. 

Also, in the third part of the story, I didn’t get the sense of which character the story was being told through. It seemed more like a scene in a show being described to the viewer. If you took the view of the man coming to the house, you could have a lot of fun describing the fear he has as everyone enters the kitchen. 

I hope this helps.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 3, 2017)

Also extreme kudos for use of the word "timorous".


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

I found it a bit difficult to believe that an old woman, living on a pension, would have had any of the past money, saved.

The reaction to the gang seemed a little over the top, too.

Sorry. Probably not what you want to hear. The actual writing is pretty good, though. Especially for English being a second language.

So a good exercise.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 4, 2017)

Jack of all trades said:


> I found it a bit difficult to believe that an old woman, living on a pension, would have had any of the past money, saved.
> 
> The reaction to the gang seemed a little over the top, too.
> 
> ...



Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think he said she was living solely on a pension did he? In the UK you get a state pension regardless of personal wealth. And a lot of older people don’t use banks much and keep their pension money in cash. This did not strike me as a problem.


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think he said she was living solely on a pension did he? In the UK you get a state pension regardless of personal wealth. And a lot of older people don’t use banks much and keep their pension money in cash. This did not strike me as a problem.



So... she's anorexic?

All the talk about how skinny she was led me to believe that she had little money, and barely enough for food.

But, alright, she's wealthy and getting govt money. And doesn't believe in banks. So she keeps the cash in her mattress. Cash that she receives... how? Why would the gang think she would fall for the serial number thing?

And the response to the gang still seems over the top to me.

As I said, an interesting exercise.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 4, 2017)

Jack of all trades said:


> So... she's anorexic?
> 
> All the talk about how skinny she was led me to believe that she had little money, and barely enough for food.
> 
> ...



I feel like being in a very rich country yet being so poor you’ve got to starve is mainly a feature of our great American society tbh.


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> I feel like being in a very rich country yet being so poor you’ve got to starve is mainly a feature of our great American society tbh.



???

It has a lot more to do with obesity being epidemic, imo.


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## dither (Nov 4, 2017)

SueC said:


> I wanted more too. I don't know much about life in England, but I was taken by the shift from someone from the government coming to give her money, to this gang of people hiding out in her house in preparation for that meeting. Is there something fishy about this? Of course, a government admitting to underpaying someone is probably unique, but the response of family members seems to be extreme. Maybe if we knew more of the story it would flow better. Is your main character given to story telling? Is the phone call some sort of code for "I'm going to get you"?Von gave excellent suggestions on vocabulary, etc., but I wonder why everyone is so alarmed. Please keep working on this, and if you have a re-write, I would love to read it. Thanks!



SueC,
Over here, if someone comes to your home, says they want to give you money and asks for numbers, absolutely it's a scam and I, for one, want to read about people having their faces reconstructed and limbs being broken.
Always it's the old and/or the vulnerable who get conned out of what little they have and it's sickening.


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

dither said:


> Always it's the old and/or the vulnerable who get conned out of what little they have and it's sickening.



I think that's pretty universal! And sickening. 

And it supports my earlier comments, too. She was unlikely to have the money (all of it was implied) at home. Since she likely had little, she would have needed at least some of what the govt was sending to pay for necessities.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 4, 2017)

Jack of all trades said:


> I think that's pretty universal! And sickening.
> 
> And it supports my earlier comments, too. She was unlikely to have the money (all of it was implied) at home. Since she likely had little, she would have needed at least some of what the govt was sending to pay for necessities.



It doesn’t support your point. She might have ten thousand pounds in the whole world, not wealthy at any stretch, but if she had it all in cash at home she would be a target. I’m not sure why you’re stuck on wanting to be right on this point. Plenty of elderly people keep cash at home. When my grandmother (who was British) died we found two thousand dollars in cash in a shoebox. She was not rich - she was an NHS nurse and that was her life savings - and god knows why she kept it in a box but she just did. She never used banks or had a credit card. I think this is an example of getting carried away on a trivial detail and taking critique too far. I get that it’s your take and that’s fine if you want to mention it but there’s no need to beat the OP over the head with something that it seems you don’t actually know much about...


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## VonBradstein (Nov 4, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> It doesn’t support your point. She might have ten thousand pounds in the whole world, not wealthy at any stretch, but if she had it all in cash at home she would be a target. I’m not sure why you’re stuck on wanting to be right on this point. Plenty of elderly people keep cash at home. When my grandmother (who was British) died we found two thousand dollars in cash in a shoebox. She was not rich - she was an NHS nurse and that was her life savings - and god knows why she kept it in a box but she just did. She never used banks or had a credit card. I think this is an example of getting carried away on a trivial detail and taking critique too far. I get that it’s your take and that’s fine if you want to mention it but there’s no need to beat the OP over the head with something that it seems you don’t actually know much about...



Two thousand pounds, I should say.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

It is not my intention to beat the OP over the head with this, VB. But I am now telling you point blank to quit trolling me. I am entitled to express my opinion about a piece. My opinions do not have to meet with your approval. You started this by telling me that my opinion was wrong, as you often do.

Please keep your comments about the piece and NOT about my, or any other poster's, comments. Save the arguing for the discussion forums.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 4, 2017)

Jack of all trades said:


> It is not my intention to beat the OP over the head with this, VB. But I am now telling you point blank to quit trolling me. I am entitled to express my opinion about a piece. My opinions do not have to meet with your approval. You started this by telling me that my opinion was wrong, as you often do.
> 
> Please keep your comments about the piece and NOT about my, or any other poster's, comments. Save the arguing for the discussion forums.



There’s no rule that says I cannot defend the readers work in light of what I feel is an incorrect and unfair criticism. That isn’t trolling. It absolutely belongs on here.

The definition of trolling: “make a deliberately offensive or provocative online post with the aim of upsetting someone or eliciting an angry response from them.”

....?

I appreciate the attempt to play the troll card, but putting what I said under the above definition would seem to be a stretch (and rather hypocritical). I stated you are entitled to your view and you are. I do not care what you believe. If you do not mention it again I will not mention it again. I am simply trying to prevent the OP from being led to feel the core premise of their story is flawed - which you continue to return to (three times, I think, you have mentioned it). If you didn’t continue to mention it I would not continue to. See how that works?

Plenty of legit things to pick on with this work, which both of us picked up on (you are right about the gang, for instance), but I am telling you “right now” your criticism of the old person having cash in her house is incorrect because plenty do. A better criticism of realism would be of a 96 year old frail woman climbing stairs in time to answer a telephone, but I guess you missed that one.


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> There’s no rule that says I cannot defend the readers work in light of what I feel is an incorrect and unfair criticism. That isn’t trolling. It absolutely belongs on here.
> 
> The definition of trolling: “make a deliberately offensive or provocative online post with the aim of upsetting someone or eliciting an angry response from them.”
> 
> ...



Bottom line, your attempt to "defend" someone else's work has, no surprise, sparked an argument. That argument has triggered both of us to harp on points in the piece that neither of us might have said otherwise.

In other words, your attempt to help hasn't helped.

It appears I will have to ignore you from now on.


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## Jack of all trades (Nov 4, 2017)

Andrew78, I want to apologize for my part in the argument.

I think you have potential, and did not deserve this happening on your thread.


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## H.Brown (Nov 4, 2017)

Friendly warning to all, can we get this thread back on topic.


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## Andrew78 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hi guys,

thank you for all your comments, I wish to explain the way I see it regarding some points of the story that to some of you sound not realistic:

1) first of all, in Italy this kind of scam is very common, maybe it's not so common in the UK, US or AU, I really don't know, but here it has always been very frequent. An italian reader will have heard something like this very often in the news, so the reaction would have been probably different. Of course I understand that, if this scam is not common where you live, things might not match in your opinion;

2) Lora might not be rich, but those criminals follow you from the post office to your home, they know when you take the pension, so, even if you have just a 500 pounds pension, the day after you've taken it, you still have money that might be interesting to these criminals and, if they can target just very old people, tell us something about how "clever" they are: even a scammer may be be ingenuos, but these people are not, since they can steal just from very vulnerable people;

3) she's skinny since usually at that age you lose weight: my grandmother was overweight all her life, about 40 pounds, but about from 5 years before she died (91), even though she did not have any desease, she lost all the fat;

4) the reaction to the gang: of course it's hard to immagine average people actually sawing off limbs for something like this, maybe just beat the hell out of them but not going so far to do such a gruesome thing, but the point is that the reader is left with a doubt, and they might just be trying to scare the hell out of them. I guess that ending the story with all the relativies of Lora beating up the scammers would have been really hackneyed.


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## SueC (Nov 5, 2017)

Andew78, thank you so much for your clarification. This is so awesome - we sometimes get so mired in our own little world that we forget there are processes and systems and even fears that we might not always be able to relate to, just because it's not in our realm. This was so interesting, and yes, it does shed different light on it. You did so well! I am a terribly trusting person and sometimes I have been burned for that trust, but I never seem to to learn. And here you have presented me a clear scam - everyone saw it! - and I was all "... but why?" No longer! Thanks again, Andrew - and I really liked your story.


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## dither (Nov 6, 2017)

Jack of all trades said:


> I found it a bit difficult to believe that an old woman, living on a pension, would have had any of the past money, saved.
> 
> The reaction to the gang seemed a little over the top, too.
> 
> ...



Some old people do keep large amounts of money at home for what ever reason  they just do.


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## dither (Nov 6, 2017)

As for post about breaking limbs. That WAS an exaggeration of course but it would be interesting to see where the story goes. How genuine, or not these really nice people bringing an offer of more money are and, if not, how they worm their way out of it without incurring  physical harm


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