# Lightswitch



## MattDavies (Jan 3, 2017)

Then I told myself
"These worlds must never collide."
and looked in her eyes.


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## Absolem (Jan 3, 2017)

Cool rhyme. If I were you I'd continue to develop the poem.


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## Roo2503 (Jan 3, 2017)

I don't know much about poetry. Is this a haiku? I liked it anyway. The title intrigued me muchly.


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## sas (Jan 3, 2017)

It is senyru. And, an interesting one. Perhaps this would change meaning, but I'd consider substitution "yet" for "and".  It seems that would make sense. 

then I told myself
"These worlds must never collide"
yet looked in her eyes


Took out capitalization; took out periods. Shouldn't have punctuation, I believe. Normally would not have a title either. I'm sure you did not intend rhyme, as not done in senryu/haiku; nor are metaphors/similes. Feel free to correct me if wrong, it's been a couple of years since I worked in these forms.


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2017)

MattDavies said:


> Then I told myself
> "These worlds must never collide."
> and looked in her eyes.




Intense ....yeah, very intense... and it is what is implied, but left unsaid that is so seductive and alluring... there is a lot of passion in these 3 elegant lines... fabulous...


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## MattDavies (Jan 4, 2017)

Hi, thanks for the feedback.
I think the 'and' 'yet' switch is an interesting one. You're also right that it does change the meaning. In the future versions I might make that change anyways.
As for punctuation, I agree it's not traditionally done in senryus or haikus, but I feel that without punctuation the poem is read too quickly. That's my personal opinion.
I also think its fine to include metaphors and similes, oh, and yes, the rhyme was deliberate. 
Those were all good points you raised, thanks.


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## Ell337 (Jan 4, 2017)

ok I give up  because it's driving me crazy trying to find this 'rhyme'. Please what rhyme? The only near rhyme in this is 'I' / 'eyes' and that isn't close enough to be called out as infraction of the non-rhyming rule for me.


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## sas (Jan 4, 2017)

rhyme:  collide/eye


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## Ell337 (Jan 4, 2017)

sas said:


> rhyme:  collide/eye



with all due respect but that is even less of a rhyme than I/eyes. Collide ends with 'D' and hard one at that.


list of near rhymes for collide. no sign of 'eye' in sight. 

2 syllables:

align, aligned, alike, alive, alright, arise, arrive, arrived, behind,besides, collides, confined, connive, define, demise, deny, deprived,describe, design, despite, devine, disguise, divine, entwined, goodbye,ignite, imply, insides, inspire, invite, polite, reply, revive, subsides,supply, surprise, survive, tonight, unite 

3 syllables:

alibi, hypnotize, improvise, intertwine, intertwined, occupy,paralyzed, petrify, realize, satisfy 

4 syllables:

meteorite


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## Ariel (Jan 4, 2017)

To an American ear the long e within collide overpowers the d. It is a slant rhyme.


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## sas (Jan 4, 2017)

After I joined groups with international poets, I soon learned that the same word is not "heard" the same. I'm surprised I had to "learn" it. Of course, not. Even within The States there is regional dialect that supersedes the poet's intent. I'm usually safe if I recite my poems over the fence. Ha.


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## Ell337 (Jan 4, 2017)

Ariel said:


> To an American ear the long e within collide overpowers the d. It is a slant rhyme.



LOL only if you squint really hard and stand on your head while doing so


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## Ariel (Jan 4, 2017)

Rhyme is determined by sound and not by sight.  A slant rhyme occurs when two words share a sound near the end, usually in the vowel. This particular one would be called assonance.


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## sas (Jan 4, 2017)

I dumped rhyming a few years ago in favor of assonance & alliteration; both extraordinary poetry tools.  They allow more latitude and don't screw up meaning by forcing rhyme.  If I do rhyme, it's accidental, and I leave it.


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## Ell337 (Jan 4, 2017)

Ariel said:


> Rhyme is determined by sound and not by sight.  A slant rhyme occurs when two words share a sound near the end, usually in the vowel. This particular one would be called assonance.



yes but unfortunately assonance and a slant rhyme are not the same thing. 

Slant / half rhyme : A rhyme in which the stressed syllables of ending consonants match, however the preceding vowel sounds do not match.

Assonance: Assonance takes place when two or more words close to one another repeat the same vowel sound but start with different consonant sounds. 


To be pedantic, I wouldn't make any kind of fuss about the assonance. There is no absolute rule that either haiku or senyru can't rhyme, but the primary difference between the forms is tone, and I'm not sure that this contains sufficient satirical tones.


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