# Consenting Adults (1 Viewer)



## Firemajic (Dec 10, 2018)

*Cut glass shattered
sharp blood shadows laced
across the ruins of her
 once beautiful face

Her fingers caressed 
slowly explored  traced
savaged beauty
bones misplaced

He said "I love you"
and her tears he erased
with possessive lips
 kissed across her ravaged face

She said "I need you"
dressed in black lace
hungrily held him against her
and passionately kissed his face

He said "till death us do part"
as her body he embraced
and Oh, she craved his abuse
with a love so debased...

*


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## PiP (Dec 10, 2018)

WoW, Firemajic! You certainly are on fire with this poem. A powerful poem that sent shivers down my spine.

As far as suggestions, I would personally lose the ellipses. 

*Her fingers caressed 
slowly explored00traced <--- I'd have a breath pause here.
savaged beauty
bones misplaced

and the last line

**with a love so debased... <--- I think it would be more powerful with an abrupt end as opposed to trailing away.

The same with the title.*


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## Firemajic (Dec 10, 2018)

Thanks, Miss PiP... I fixed it as you suggested... I can't seem to stop... with the ellipses ..... opppps.... see?


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## Gumby (Dec 10, 2018)

Wow, that last line is a bit of a shocker to me!  No, I'm not that innocent I just wasn't expecting it.

Anyhow, you know me, I'm the less is more type and would personally cut some of the words. Of course, then it would be my work and maybe not what you intended or desire, but something like the blue text example. Also, and this is just me, I would cut some of the 'face's' from this as it is used several times as the rhyme word, which makes it stand out more as a repeat.


*glass shattered
blood shadows laced
across the ruins 
of her beautiful face

fingers caressed 
explored,  traced
savaged beauty
bones misplaced

He said "I love you"
her tears, erased
possessive lips
 on her ravaged face

She said "I need you"
dressed in black lace
hungrily held him against her
and passionately kissed his face

He said "till death us do part"
as her body he embraced
and Oh, she craved his abuse
with a love so debased...*


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## TL Murphy (Dec 10, 2018)

It's certainly visceral, which grabs the reader effectively. As reader it's hard to turn away from the next line. I think Gumby's suggestions rachet that tension up even further by removing what is not visceral. And because the images are so colorful, as in, demanding attention, the metaphor is quite clear by the end of the poem. You don't need to tell the reader that it's 'debased love'. That's obvious and the tell takes away from the power of the metaphor.


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## Firemajic (Dec 11, 2018)

Dear Gumby, I agree with you ... somewhat  and will look for a new way to snip out the repeating word "face"... I wanted to use it as a refraining line, but that stumped me... so, I have work to do! thank you for reading and commenting...

Dear TL... I hear you loud and clear... and I agree ... about the last line, but after studying it, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights...

I guess I could change my entire rhyming scheme... but I am afraid that will mess up my vibe... I will continue to ponder this dilemma... Your insight is very much appreciated... thank you


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## Gumby (Dec 11, 2018)

You know it is only advice, dear friend. It is a striking poem as it is and we all do what fits us in the end. I've certainly made changes to my work on others advice and then felt like it may have been improved, but wasn't what I wanted for my taste, in the end.


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## Firemajic (Dec 11, 2018)

Welllll, but you are right... if I can't be consistent and use it as a refraining line, then I need to do something different... I am here to learn, so I appreciate any input ...


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## Gumby (Dec 11, 2018)

> . I am here to learn, so I appreciate any input ...



Me too


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## ned (Dec 11, 2018)

hello - this one's a bit strong Fire!

I like how it built up to that final, shocking revelation - evocation wrought....

perversely, I would have said 'with a love undebased' - as a contrast to the relationship.
too subtle?

cheers................Ned


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## Firemajic (Dec 12, 2018)

ned said:


> hello - this one's a bit strong Fire!
> 
> I like how it built up to that final, shocking revelation - evocation wrought....
> 
> ...



I love the spin you put on this poem... I only wish I had thought of that, while I was writing... it would have given this poem a completely different vibe.... thank you so much for your comments, they are appreciated...


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## TL Murphy (Dec 16, 2018)

Fire, here is a idea that will keep your rhyme scheme and eliminate the "tell" at the end of the poem. Repeat the word "face" at the end of the stanza as you have throughout the poem but don't use it as a noun the last time, use it as a verb (to face). The point is that the speaker is in denial - has not "faced" the truth. I'm sure you can say it better than that.


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## miraj (Dec 17, 2018)

Fire, I have nothing to say but congrats on doing a real shocker of a poem. well done.


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