# August 2015 - LM - I Think I Remember How To Do This - Scores



## Pluralized (Aug 23, 2015)

At long last, here are the scores. Well, not really; they're actually quite early. Thanks to all the judges - all FIVE of us! Pretty cool. Let's get to it:


SirmirrorPlurAmsawtellIbbAtleanWordsmithAverage Scorercallaci111513131513.40astroannie - Act of Contrition161214151815.00Lewdog141515161515.00Allysan172016171517.00Dubhthaigh121112111712.60TerryD - A Fine Epitaph151512161915.40Saeria161513141815.20godofwine15111313912.20DoubleFoxtrot131211161914.20Kepharel171611101814.40danielstj171711111514.20midnightpoet - Breaking Chains161612.5141915.50Sleepwriter161613121614.60Meteli17914101613.20HarperCole151815142016.40ppsage132016162017.00kilroy214131614121313.60


In first place, we have a tie! Allysan's entry '*Memories Lost and Found*' and ppsage's entry '*Ava*' are tied up for first place. Nice job, guys.

In second, we have HarperCole with the very fine story '*Killing Time*'

In third, midnightpoet's story '*Breaking Chains*'

Administrator/mod folk, please do your thing with the awards. Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to all you judges. 

[spoiler2=Sirmirror's Scores]


rcallaci
“Better Left Forgotten”
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 11/20


I found the start a bit generic. It got a little interesting as I moved on and I really loved the way you wrote last few paragraphs. However, I did not find anything that the story gave me. Perhaps you had a symbolic meaning? If you did, then I suggest you bring it out more clearly. If it didn’t and is simply a fantasy tale, it needed more substance, a more nuanced character or a more elaborate storyline perhaps.




Anonymous
Act of Contrition
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16/20


Your vocabulary, phrasing and narrative technique was highly intriguing.
I liked how you carried out contemplations on religious philosophy, but I was left utterly confused by the storyline of Jeanine, your sister(or are they the same person?) and Uncle Steven. I tried a few times, but I could not grasp a definite picture. I have considered these characters as passive characters that serve the purpose of showing the narrator’s sins, but either a little more definition or little lesser as suitable would have helped the piece’s impact.


Lewdog
Retired
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14/20


The character of Maplethorpe is quite interesting! I can’t point out exactly what but your tone was intriguing. Just a few things- rendezvous is the plural of rendezvous and the “How could they do this to me” line was repeated twice unnecessarily.


Allysan
Memories Lost and Found
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20


A very interesting character voice with a fairly simple story- I liked it a good bit! 


Dubhthaigh
The lake’s gift
SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 12/20


Unfortunately, quite a few SPaG errors, especially in punctuation. I see you wanted to explore the concept of sacrifice and the philosophical battle of letting someone meant to be dead live or not. I think this is a story with amazing potential that I would really enjoy, if it were not for the confusion in the climactic paragraph. Who is Bronagh? Who is “she”? I had to read it a couple of times to realize who you were referring to and put what was being said and done and by who in place. Can easily be clarified by breaking that part up into paragraphs, better formatting and mentioning who’s who just once in the beginning.


Anonymous
A Fine Epitaph
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20


I really liked your narrative voice, slightly confusing, but aptly so. Good one. 


Saeria
Anagrams
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20


Pleasing and interesting. I liked it. The usage of a few words seemed a bit out of place toe me, but that’s negligible.
Godofwine
Stand Up
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20


It was a good, touching story. I think it was the best it could be for the word limit, theme and idea, well done. 


DoubleFoxtrot
Epilogue
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20


I liked it, but took a second read for me to realize what exactly was going on. I think you are trying to explore way too many traits of Willem’s character for a limit of 650 words. If you tried to explore the main ideas you had alone, it would’ve left a greater impact perhaps. Though this is only my opinion and I may not have interpreted your piece the way you expected it to be interpreted.


Kepharel
I Think I Remember How To Do This
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20


Another touching tale. Your narrative kept me interested. Simple and clean, yet with just the right amount of depth. I believe the use of the word “sat” is wrong in the second paragraph, check up on that if you would. 


danielstj
My Father’s Baby Steps
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20
It’s lovely how you explore their relationship through that one scene. Very well played out. I have no criticism as such for this piece.


Anonymous
Breaking Chains
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20


The story was good. But I felt the narrative was just a bit bland and far too direct. Spin a little emotion(as the setting requires) in and you’ll be surprised how much more powerful your writing becomes.


Sleepwriter
Boom! Out Go the Lights
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16/20


Your narrative voice was appropriate and powerful, but I felt the story lacked just a little substance. Everything was set up well, but the end seemed to deteriorate. The built-up tension just seemed to dissipate casually. I’m sorry I can’t point out what exactly it is but I hope you think about it.


Meteli
Rising
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20


I have only one word: amazing.
Very powerful, I myself have to endeavour to reach your level.




HarperCole
Killing Time
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20


A good mix of humour, mystery and philosophy. It was nice how you connected everything yet left a hint of ambiguity. 


ppsage
Ava
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20


It was a pretty good concept, but I’m afraid it was a bit too patchy. It lacked cohesion. If you could tell the story with just a little more flow it would have elevated the piece greatly.


kilroy214
The Last Hurrah
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14/20


A pretty simple story with nice characters and a rounded theme. I liked it. A few SPaG errors brought the score down unfortunately.[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Pluralized's Scores]
1.    rcallaci
“Better Left Forgotten”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15


This story was a trip! It’s like the sweater unraveled into insanity, of a not altogether unpleasant flavor. Crazy as it may be, it’s imaginative and fun, riddled with detail. Too many adjectives for me, and a few cumbersome sentences. Errors abound, though stylized so much as to be hidden for the most part. So, overall, well done. The ending was bizarre, and seemed to have little to do with the city in the beginning, where so much narrative energy was expended to describe. Also I should mention – cool thing you did with the syntax around heR name. I liked that.




2.    Anonymous
“An Act of Contrition”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12


For whatever reason, I wanted to get into the groove with this, but it was just too navelgazing and stumbly for me. The call-and-response rhythm didn’t grab me and it just seemed like a waste of many words pushing some kind of pseudo-philosophical wheel up a hill without texture or traction to make it interesting. By the time we reach the poor girl’s abortion, we’ve got no characters, just a narrator whose only story to tell is cliched ramblings about his/her sins and Maker. Sorry this didn’t work better for me.


3.    Lewdog
“Retired”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15


Dear mother. This is crazy. Gnarly, that’s all I can say. On the up side, it’s fun, whimsical, gross, all the stuff I like, has a few funny moments, but on the other side it’s lacking any kind of depth and just begs to be relegated to the lower tier, scoring-wise. So I guess you’ll probably get a few points for my indecision, and for the fact that it actually is fairly well written. A few errors, like ‘puss’ instead of ‘pus’ and God forsaken instead of godforsaken, wash rag vs washrag. Good job, you sick freak. “Pump and dump,” indeed. 


4.    Allysan
“Memories Lost and Found”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20


I like giving out perfect scores. It’s uplifting to read stories that I think are worthy. This was a fantastic piece, emotionally charged, authentic. Beautiful. I applaud your manipulation of her confusion – thought you did that exceptionally well. Clean, smooth writing, great tone and voice, just a wonderful piece of flash. Nice job!


5.    Dubhthaigh
“The Lake’s Gift”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11


Good premise, cool character, this Cailleach. Weird transitions, though, and the ending was way too predictable. The story sort of sets up in the first few sentences, and you know exactly what’s going to happen. No tension, no momentum. Spag-wise, dialogue is not punctuated correctly – for multiple reasons. There are attributions that should be standalone sentences, and the commas/periods are outside the quotation marks. Other than that, it’s cool, and I like the premise, it’s sad, but there’s nothing tethering me to the tale due to its overall predictability. 

6.    Anonymous
“A Fine Epitaph”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15


The writing is pretty clean, and has style. I felt it was money, in terms of prompt. Very smart application thereof. Problem I had was the story being sort of balanced on this edge of tension, where we don’t really understand what the issue is, the consequences, only fearing the patient might somehow be injured due to lack of skill (or, ‘remembrance’ as is pounded into your head throughout), but that seems like too thin a premise to carry any real plot weight. Common issue in flash. Additionally, there were several turns of phrase and similes (the radio/stereo/sound theme) that honestly just fell flat for me and the tone almost felt corny or hokey, as my dad would say. 


On the plus side, there’s a lot of relatability in the injured guy’s situation, and making him feel helpless does create some atmosphere. I think with another careful revision, looking more closely at how to illustrate the stakes a wee bit better, we’d be enjoying this in an altogether different flavor. Like the piece ‘abed’ which was posted in the Workshop about two years ago. That was a model for how to write helpless hospital bed experience. Not sure why I bring this up other than I recommend checking it out and it stuck with me.


Rogue comma after the second ‘Wainright’
air-born should be airborne
Water’ better -- missing the S
The doctor who comes in at the end from vacation calls Wainright ‘Wainstrom’ - not sure if that was intentional or not. Didn’t make sense other than perhaps to illustrate the doctor’s ineptitude.


7.    Saeria  
“Anagrams”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15


Not terribly sure about the anagram - felt the whole time like I was missing the cleverness surrounding the Bewhiskered Mini Toot. I like the tone, the story’s got heart, it’s written to the prompt, and certainly well written. Couple of minor dialogue punctuation issues and a hundred unused words are the only gripes, along with feeling like the main punchline was supposed to be funnier than I found it. Felt like you held the tone consistently and did what you set out to, though, so I kind of wish I hadn’t been so dense in missing the main clever part of your story. 



8.    godofwhine
“Stand Up”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 3
Overall: 11


Golly, Rex and Jenny had a boy named ‘Tiberius’ and they’re Irish. Must be in Ohio.  
Seriously, this has some redeeming qualities despite a rather clumsy execution. It’s a story of triumph, and, even though it’s a cheap trick, plays on the emotions of anyone who can relate to rooting for a comeback kid. Kind of plays a bit fast and loose with style, in my opinion, and too much cliched American sports talk going on. Maybe I’m damaged goods, but the whole thing just felt way too easy. There’s no friction for this boy except for the damaged ‘appendages’ and that’s not reality. Give him a dad whose internal conflict is being judged at the country club for having a crippled kid, and I’m interested. Put something in the way that makes us wonder whether things will actually work out okay. There was no mystery in how this was going to end up, especially with all the ‘rah rah’ and ‘go team’ stuff. 


The writing was fairly clean, except for mistakes in dialogue punctuation and speech tags. You can’t attach attributions with a full stop. It doesn’t read right, and we’ve talked about this before. Several times. 


Tiberius looked up at the coach’s granite face and the uncomfortable looking smile plastered on it reminded him of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2.  -- Just. . . No.


9.    DoubleFoxtrot
“Epilogue”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12


Some nice tone in this piece, nostalgic and robust. For a stand-alone fiction piece, however, there’s not enough meat. Too much ruminating, too much oblique recollection of facts that seemingly don’t relate to the story at hand. By the end, I’m left focused on just the last couple of paragraphs and the whole thing seems exceedingly disjointed. Had a tough time with the story part of it, to be honest. A few dialogue punctuation glitches and a very disaffected voice made this a chore to read. 


10.     Kepharel
“I Think I Remember How To Do This”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16


Enjoyed this, and thought it was well written. Mature voice, great tone. Some comma glitches and a halting flow at times, but that could be easily improved with an attentive edit. 


For what it’s worth, I thought it was sweet, had great characterization of the old man, and the inner monologue was wielded with skill. Good work. Run a comb through the tangles and this is a winner.


11.     danielstj
“My Father’s Baby Steps”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17


Damn, that was sad. This story managed to create a very decent amount of emotion in just a few well-placed sentences. Moved the arc pretty nicely and created a satisfying ending as well. Some funkiness in the tense early on, but other than that it was well written. Maybe too easy, maybe too predictable, but I’m pretty impressed overall. There did seem to be a wide gap between conditions, the walking and the heavy stroke at the end. Maybe one or two sentences could have been inserted to put more emphasis on his drooping mouth or otherwise make it seem more dire at the beginning. Great work overall. 


‘he had took for granted’  -- he had taken


12.     Anon
“Breaking Chains”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16


This is a good story, with a satisfying ending. A happy ending, without telling us what happened to the boy, or what the inevitable explosion looked like when the ‘slut’ lost her better half and was –presumably- saddled with the boy…


Great, immersive narration, though. Really liked it. Some problems in tense and one or two places that required semicolons or another look at sentence construction, but pretty well done overall. Dialogue in the first sentence is missing its comma, and that cost you a point on Spag. I thought this was one of the better stories of the bunch, in terms of disbelief and storyline. Great job. 


13.     Sleepwriter
“Boom! Out Go the Lights”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16


Man, the action! I liked this a lot. There’s a bit of corn-fest here, with the ‘blow the reactor’ theme, but that’s just my jaded sensibilities. Didn’t seem likely that the crazed ‘gunman’ would be so naïve. The reactor would kill them all, would it not? And would any guy with a gun be inclined to make bargains right out of the gate? More like he would have screamed through his teeth, “Do it, bitch!” 


Well written, for the most part, and fun. I thought the ending was too quick and a cheap way out, but that’s partly the word count. Good work overall. I thought the simile about ‘rejected hypotheses’ was brilliant and it earned you back a point on effect.


14.     Meteli
“Rising”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 9


So much unused potential! Just using half the words makes for less than half the effect.  “Time was still seeking its form and speed, intricate stories of possible and impossible looping around it.” I thought this sentence was exquisite. The rest of the story is befuddling and the ending made no sense. I didn’t feel like I read a story at all, just a nice, flowery opening. You could have nailed this thing if you’d filled out the missing half. 


15.     HarperCole
“Killing Time”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18


Pretty fucking brilliant, my friend. Great job with this, from the lighthearted comedy baked right in, to the existential conundrum regarding the multiple universes and what they’re housed in (is there another, larger universe surrounding ‘God’ during this whole extravaganza? Quandary.). 


Found the writing to flow well, the dialogue done right, and the tone just about spot on. Only gripe is the inherent lack of tension, lack of propulsion in the plot. We’re only concerned about what’s happening to this guy, and then he’s God. There’s no real stakes. But still, you accomplished what you set out to, and I thought this was pretty damn good. 


16.     ppsage
“Ava”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20


Impressive how this narrator balances the sympathetic and doesn’t go overboard with poor little Ava’s plight. The story is told from the perspective of a wise person with no real agenda other than minimizing her further suffering and I think that’s fortunate. Riding bikes, exploring the countryside; it’s like the great-uncle/gramps thing that most kids need today (versus screens/tech, arguing, preoccupation). There’s a great focus on what matters and that moves me. 


Some beautiful prose, not too complicated, but smart, authentic, and at times even poetic. I enjoyed reading this and found great value in the delivery. Can’t find anything to squawk about, even after a second reading. Nice job. 


17.     kilroy214
“The Last Hurrah”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16


The story was fun, moved along well, and I thought maybe a little crazy. This old black dude was the hero, and got to deliver that happy ending while sacrificing himself. Pretty well done. 


Formatting sucked. Without separation between those paragraphs it makes it hard to read. I’m sure you didn’t want to play with fire on the ten-minute grace period but that would have helped a bit. Some errors, too, but a good voice and good storytelling so I think it was an overall success. I didn’t have to focus very hard to stay engaged, rather the action pulled me right along. Should be a lesson to others struggling with gripping a reader. Probably one of the best examples here of how a story can flow like water from a spigot, increasing in pressure right to the end without any air pockets. Only thing is, the guy and his horse are painted as so decrepit that I almost didn’t care when they died at the end. Could have told this from the perspective of Sarah Houston and probably pulled some tension into the mix by explaining how much she cares for this old fella. Other than that, very good job.


quite – quiet – that cost you a point.
Respectively -- respectfully
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Amsawtell's Scores]


rcallaci
“Better Left Forgotten”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 13/20


There’s a wonderful blend of sci-fi and fantasy going on here but this is just too short and I’m a little confused by the story.


It took me several readings to understand that the weird capitalization at the end was intentional and I’m still not sure if you’re meaning to use “Caption” instead of “Captain.” Otherwise there are some strange tense issues and odd word choices.


That ending is beautifully creepy and I think I’d prefer more of a focus on Yukilamia and the madness (forgetfulness as well?) she brings.


Anonymous
“Act of Contrition”


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 14/20


It took several readings to understand what the narrator’s sin is supposed to be. As that’s the focus of the story I think it should be a little more spelled out.


I think the prayer should be differentiated from the memories and confession somehow. I would suggest italics.


I think that the OMG at the beginning needs to go. Just get rid of it. It’s a little ditzy for the seriousness of this piece and either needs to be spelled out or deleted entirely.


Lewdog
“Retired”


SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Overall: 15/20


Eww. Just eww! By the end I was just thinking “Yay! V.D. for everybody!”


“ . . . as she squeezed the last bit of puss . . .”
I’m pretty sure that should be pus.


“God forsaken” is typically one word. 


Sure thing Nurse Ratchet!”
There needs to be a comma between “thing” and “nurse.”


“’How could Jake and Miss Candy do this to him,’ he thought . . .”
We’re seeing Mr. Maplethorpe’s thoughts here. Does he think of himself in the third person?


“ . . . ‘Do you really want to give up our enjoyment?’”
Using enjoyment here sounds a little weird. I can’t imagine anyone actually saying this. Try “fun” instead.




Allysan
“Memories Lost and Found”
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Overall: 16/20


This is sad and a little sweet. It’s very cleanly written but a tad cliché. 


Dubthaigh
“The Lake’s Gift”


SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10


Overall: 12/20


This had the potential to be very creepy. I liked the setting and the atmosphere you created. There were so many SPaG issues that it detracted from the story for me.


The Cailleach’s appearance is the start of punctuation issues that includes the punctuation for quotes being misplaced. Also, half of the instances of Peter’s name are not capitalized.


Anonymous
“A Fine Epitaph”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


The idea behind this is bone-chilling. I would not want to be in this position myself.


“. . . Water’ better . . .”
There’s an “s” missing here.


There’s a few places where the quotation punctuation isn’t quite what I would use but I don’t believe those instances are technically incorrect.


Overall: 12/20


Saeria
“Anagrams”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10


Overall: 13/20


This was cute.


I have never met anyone who could speak in anagrams off the top of their head and I’ve known some pretty smart people. I’m also confused as to why a newlywed couple hasn’t 1) figured out that they have the same tendency towards anagrams, 2) become comfortable enough to understand each other, 3) hasn’t taken freaking dancing lessons together. I’m getting married myself and while we aren’t having a big wedding with formal dancing we have at least figured each other out. Perhaps these are cultural things?


“ . . . the music faded into the ether . . .”
I hope the reception hall isn’t filled with ether. I’d think the reception would be a bit of a snooze if that were the case. Did you mean aether?


Please do not capitalize every word of “Oh Mirth, Bewhiskered Mini Toot.”


godofwine
“Stand Up”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 13/20


I appreciate the idea of siblings encouraging and helping each other through a tough time.


“ . . . stood his mother, his father, his older brother . . .”
We’d get the point if you’d just said “family.”


“Not a day had passed since the accident that her Irish temper . . .”
This entire paragraph is odd. Why are there clouds indoors? Is she some sort of weather creator? If so that’s a much more interesting story than yet another football injury story.


All of that said, I can’t blame the mother for being angry about football. Didn’t her youngest son just wake up from a freaking coma caused by a football injury? I’d be against them playing again too.


Further, I wouldn’t have let the damn coach into the room after such an injury and it would have nothing to do with an “Irish temper.”


DoubleFoxtrot
“Epilogue”


SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 11/20


Is . . . is this a story about an old woman who poisons children?


Why would these children’s parents allow them to take cake from a weird old lady?


“Mystery disease plaques the city . . .”
Plagues. You mean plagues.


“The graying hair once again parted with pomade, chin clean-shaven for the first time in months.”
These are two independent clauses. You need a comma after hair and a semi-colon after pomade.


“ . .. the firs’ needles . . .”
Is this a plural possessive of fir or is this a weird colloquialism for “first?”


Kepharel
“I Think I Remember How To Do This”


SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 11/20


This story has a lot of potential to be very touching and beautiful.


The perspective shifts are sudden and jolting. I spent a long time wondering why this guy is calling his brother’s wife “Aunt Penny.” This will be stronger just from Jen’s perspective.


Your title is miscapitalized. The “to” doesn’t need to be capital.


“As I lie in my bed I look at a gathering of stranger’s , faces tired . . .”
This isn’t possessive so you don’t need the apostrophe. Also, you need a period after strangers. Add “their” to the beginning of the new sentence.


danielstj
“My Father’s Baby Steps”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 4/10


Overall: 11/20


This story also has a lot of potential to be very touching. It could be something special about a father and son if handled right.


The biggest problem for this story is that it is very passive. We’re told a lot about what kind of son this narrator used to be but we don’t actually ever see it so we don’t see that he’s actually trying to redeem himself and his relationship with his father by helping him relearn to walk.


Anonymous
“Breaking Chains”


SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10


Overall: 12.5/20


This was very cleanly written. The only problem is that there isn’t much that happens. It’s just a phone conversation so everything that happens is a little off-stage so to speak.


“Another sleepless night with Eddie” I said . . .”
There needs to be a comma after Eddie but before the quotation marks.


Sleepwriter
“Boom! Out Go the Lights”


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 4/10


Overall: 13/20


This was action-packed. 


I think that you’re at a disadvantage with me judging this round. I’ve done too much research on nuclear reactors to find this very believable. The likelihood of a terrorist cell forcing a nuclear reactor into meltdown is actually fairly low. Modern reactors have fail safes built in to keep the control rods from being overridden. (Which is part of what happened to Chernobyl).


Why are these terrorists using laser pointers? Real guns don’t have red dots with which to aim at targets.


I guess an hour would be enough time to escape the fallout zone of a massive nuclear meltdown. Might.


I do apologize. This would be a really fun read if I didn’t know what I know.


Meteli
“Rising”


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


Overall: 14/20


I like the mythology you’ve built here. It’s interesting and kind of fun.


The problem I have is that this is heavy-handed.


“ . . . and he felt already weary . . .”
I would switch “felt already” around.


“ . . . it only stifles you, rises doubt . . .”
Rises is the wrong tense for what he’s saying. Try “raises.”


“Trees felled on top of each other . . .”
“Trees fell” is sufficient.


HarperCole
“Killing Time”


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10


Overall: 15/20


This had a good mythology. Reminded me of Mormon beliefs.


ppsage
“Ava”


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Overall: 16/20


This was very cleanly written and very sweet. I like these characters. I hope he gets to keep his Ava.


Kilroy214
“The Last Hurrah”


SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


Overall: 14/20


This almost made me cry, but you know how easy it is to do that.


“ . . . and his quite, reserved nature was all his own .”
Quiet. You mean quiet.


“ . . . pursued by and old black man . . .”
And should be an.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Ibb's Scores]


Rcallaci - Better Left Forgotten
SPAG:5
TONE:4
Effect:4
Total: 13


You open up with what feels like a narrator to Star Wars preparing us for a great saga or inevitable calamity. I liked it, but figured it wouldn’t be befitting to a story of this length. I didn’t see anything to change that notion. Far more effective would have been a slicing away of the exposition and cutting straight to the action, dialogue, and events between the characters.
Grammatically, I noted nothing off kilter. I’ve read the odd fantasy/sci-fi novel here and there. Yours, to me, felt like it was of a publishable standard. What’s needed is a better timing between backstory and event. The two meld too frequently here and, until the end, create more distraction than immersion.
That said, had this been the beginning to something of greater length--which part of me suspects it might be--then I wouldn’t call foul. I can envision this being built towards something far more substantial. But within the limited space granted it, it lacks the weight it might otherwise have carried. Regardless, keep writing: you show all the raw stuff. That’s what’s important.


Anonymous - Act of Contrition
SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 5
Total: 15


I enjoyed the structure here, the gimmick, whatever you’d like to call it. Details seem purposefully kept vague, or simply fly by me despite 3 attempts, but there is a nice display of doubt, conviction, and skepticism mingling and doing battle all at once within your character’s voice. However, Uncle Steven, Children’s Services, and other elements seem like peripheral inclusions meant suddenly to gain significance, but due to their means of being included don’t strike me as achieving the proper effect. Yet that’s almost to be expected, based upon the style you chose here. I don’t feel convinced of anything, and the conclusion at which the character arrives feels perfunctory rather than organic. That said, your control of the voice was exceptional. The failure here is the character’s unconvincing movement from one cerebral space to the next, but not, I’m happy to say, the character himself. 




Lewdog - Retired
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 16 


A few niggles regarding comma placement affect the SPaG score, and I believe other judges will likely mention these, so I won’t. Otherwise I love this little tale of sex and seduction. I detect a faint scent of Bukowski in this, more so in subject and dialogue and less so in the prose itself, and I wonder if you’re not a reader of his. What else is there to say? You made me smile, you made me laugh, you told your story in simple and effective prose, and by the end of it I didn’t mind the prospect of reading more--in fact I sort of wished I could have kept going and watched Richard’s reaction to the punch-line. Good job, Lewdog.


Allysan - Memories Lost and Found 
SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 17


This is a beautiful, succinct, well-paced and structured little narrative with a convincing conclusion. I especially enjoyed the unabashed wavering between recollection and loss of memory. I think going further into the style of this wavering would have been more effective, as a few instances here and there strike me as having been written for fear of losing the reader; personally, I say to hell with the reader. Write it in the way most suitable to the character. You clearly show the ability to pull this off. It feels like you stayed your hand at some parts in order to make sure we, the audience, could follow you until the end. But it was an end worth following. Aside from my own personal stylistic preferences, I see nothing at fault with what you did here. Fantastic job, Allysan. Thanks for the read. 




Dubhthaigh - The Lake’s Gift
SPaG: 3
Tone: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 11




I like the idea of this story. It’s a morbid little tale of loss and reclamation, going through territory we’ve seen many times before but which somehow remains engaging no matter its age. But the execution is flawed. There are more than a few grammatical hiccups, but I’ll eschew mention of them since I’m sure you’ll read a mouthful elsewhere. The antagonist strikes me more as Disney Villain than Cursed Foe, and due to this some of the dialogue struck me as being more humorous than you probably intended. For some advice: ‘He said’ and ‘She said’ is quite enough. Adding more beyond this tends to skitter far past ‘filler’ territory, straight on through ‘gratuitous,’ and smack-dab into ‘annoying.’ Yours didn’t hit the last stage, thank goodness, but it came precariously close. Trust in your reader to understand where you’re going. Trust in yourself not to add so much where addition isn’t required. Keep practicing. You have a storyteller’s eye. Now go do some push-ups and work-out that lyrical poet’s tongue. 


Anonymous - A Fine Epitaph
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 16


A very funny read with wisely placed notes of detail to provide the backstory without delving into exposition. You handled this fine balance with ease, and for that your story is a success. Some issues in the grammar suggest that this was published in haste, as a second, careful re-read would have revealed some erroneously placed commas and a few instances of misplaced (or forgotten) words. Otherwise? You maintained an assured, confident voice throughout, and that takes both talent and guts. Good job.




Saeria - Anagrams
SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect:6
Total: 14 


I like the twist at the end. It was cute. A comma should follow dialogue, not a period. Otherwise the passage is obstructed by a strange and unnecessary pause. Beyond that, I liked your character’s bashful narration and the playful way you inserted this awkward dance into a day of significance and celebration. I was not fully convinced of their love or of their wedding, and this lessened the effect to my pathos it might have had. I sense a love, on your part, for the characters, but more is required to convince me I should love them as well. That said, the means by which you melded these two ideas--an awkward first encounter to the eventual culmination of many subsequent encounters, a wedding--was both clever and creative. It demonstrates genuine innovative ability, and with some sharpening of the details I believe you hold potential to develop into a significantly talented writer. Keep it up, and good job. 


Godofwine - Stand Up
SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13


A nice vignette doused heavily in sentiment. There is a lot of telling and exposition here, suffocating the characters’ opportunity to step up center-stage and show themselves. Certain details, such as the mother’s profusions against football, the long detailing of Tiberius’ being struck down 4 months prior, or the father’s not wanting to mention football due to the fear of argument, could be better conveyed through dialogue and action. Trust in your reader tosense these things through details you provide, otherwise you will overwhelm them with details of characters and events they have not yet been given the time to know or care about. You are so eager to provide us the information surrounding your characters that you miss the fact your characters themselves are being buried underneath this information, submerged in oblivion, rubbed off into invisibility. As a writer, it is your responsibility to detect who your characters are, then to follow them down the path they walk. To do this properly, you must quiet your own voice--allow theirs to take over. In this piece you are being too controlling. Next LM, relent some control to the people who inhabit your page. 






Doublefoxtrot - Epilogue
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 16


One or two misplaced commas prevent a 5 in the SPaG, but the third-person narrative, filled out by the main character’s voice, achieves perfection in the tone. I can’t say I followed the narrative precisely, but the means by which multiple elements were layered grew increasingly enticing as the story moved on. There is something ominous in your writing, a foreboding of darkness slithering towards you despite the light of day. Am I wrong? Maybe. But I’m giving my gut reaction to the piece, not my cerebral one. The peppering of details, forever hinting towards a past laid to rest, were well done. I can’t say much more than that. Good job. 


Kepharel - I Think I Remember How To Do This
SPaG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 10 


Oddly fitted clauses create more than one instance of awkward syntax. A few grammatical errors which I’m sure others will mention could have been cleaned up with a keener re-read. The dialogue is used to reveal to us a history, but is written in a perfunctory, exposition-laden tone which removes any humanity from the characters speaking the lines. They become pieces in a puzzle, rather than becoming the picture made up of those smaller pieces. Remember that in fiction, the clearest way to the reader’s heart is to give him a living person. Having two people sit besides each other and speak in an unconvincing way in order to reveal information destroys any hope of this ever occurring. Better, I think, would have been a narrative fully revelling in the voice of the character you start with. Because the transition between his narration and the third-person narration is so abrupt, you disallow any opportunity for a connection to occur, or otherwise for either of these two sides to become tangible, and thereby convincing. For your next entry, I bid you a challenge: focus on a single character. Do not escape his or her point of view. Hint towards a history, but do not reveal it. Human beings are not omniscient. Literature, a reflection of ourselves, inevitably a product of the individual, whom too is not omniscient, should not aspire to Godhood. Dull literature knows everything. Beautiful literature is flawed and full of contradictory blood. Aspire to the human. Greater achievement lies that way. 




Danielstj - My Father’s Baby Steps 
SPaG: 4
Tone: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 11


I like the story, but did not feel any heart for the execution. The paragraph where the narrator begins to tell us about his rebellion, during which he was not a good person, doesn’t achieve anything other than telling us, the audience, that he feels bad. But this strain isn’t detected anywhere in his interactions with his father or during any of the dialogue between them. Only at the end, when the father assures him that he is a great man, do we sense existence of a prior strife. Even then, the manner in which it’s revealed feels formulaic rather than organic. Natural movements is what your writing should aspire to contain. I don’t bend so willingly to that adamant school of thought wherein you must Show Rather Than Tell during every little turn, but the story here has both showing AND telling--the problem is that the two are disconnected, and never convincingly meet. Next LM, ask yourself if what the character has said and what the character has done both convey the same message. 


Anonymous - Breaking Chains
SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14


Good story, engagingly told, with a few slight oddities in the speech that had me not wholly convinced of the characters talking but, owing again to the story, didn’t hinder my enjoyment all that much. The speed with which the narrator jumps around his head felt at odds with the sort of turgid life he described himself inhabiting, and rendered the climax a little unconvincing. This might be due to limited space. The line about the visiting guys ‘not looking like plumbers’ had me cracking a wide stupid smile for over a minute, so thank you for that. 


Sleepwriter - Boom! Out Go the Lights
SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 12


I see confidence in your writing, or at least in your chosen subject matter. I can't say I followed the reasons behind why the gunmen were trying to blow up the reactor, but the specific interactions you chose to reveal between them and the scientists kept me reading along. I'm used to happy endings while reading these things, so seeing an inevitable calamity just before its detonation was unexpected, and appreciated. I didn't pick up on anything which allowed for further interpretation or encouraged a second read-through, so I suppose I'll leave my feedback at that. Good job.


Meteli - Rising 
SPaG: 3
Tone: 4
Effect: 3
Total: 10


You were confident in your voice, which is appreciated. Some of the syntax felt off, and a few words here or there would have raised your score in the SPaG, as some omissions hurt the flow. Because this doesn’t feel like a story, merely a scene leading on to something else that you don’t supply, I can’t say it left much of a lasting impression. As an exercise in writing, you show love of what you do. Keep that love alive. Next LM, provide us a full tale. 


HarperCole - Killing Time
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 14


I like the quirkiness of this story. I had fun reading it. Some awkwarding structuring in the opening lines docked you a point in SPaG, but your assured voice, and the confidence felt in the portrayal of your characters, netted a perfect tone. I wasn’t blown away by the epiphany at the end, but it was just satisfying enough to grant me a smile. Thank you for the enjoyable little read. I’ll see you next competition.


Ppsage - Ava
SPaG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 16


I love the voice. Intentional or not, I’ll go ahead and risk betraying myself--the narrator sounds autistic. Maybe he isn’t. Maybe he is. But the fractured narration and the strange pauses then spurts in the linguistic mannerisms riled up in me faint memories of Faulkner. Again, I can’t confirm this. Maybe the guy’s just old. I might accidentally be insulting you. If I do, my apologies. It’s not intended. Whatever is befalling your MC through his/her acquisition of Ava, there’s a good chance he’s not properly equipped to handle it. In fact, the more I ramble, the more I’m convinced I’m off about this whole thing. Even so, by the end of this piece I was caught up in the strange elusive melody of your writing, lost to reason but moving within the currents of its own strange coherence. I wouldn’t have minded more. I afford you a higher score for the sheer pleasure the second half unleashed. Good job. I think. 


Kilroy214 - The Last Hurrah
SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 12


Some strange shifts in tense and a few over-eager sentences make more than one sentence feel awkward while rolling off the tongue. But I like the set-up, the rickety old sense of dust and gun-smoke you conjure as you build up the character’s backstory. Then we’ve the action--unfortunately, it seems brought up for no more than to set up the punchline. There’s very little here to suggest present, tangible characters, as your energy is spent moving one set-piece into the next in order to get us, the audience, on horseback and into battle. By the end of it, I’ve felt neither the excitement of combat, the worry of danger, nor the loss of life. It happens too quickly, and without conviction. Try to slow the pace next time so that your characters are allowed to breathe, thereby bringing us into their flesh, allowing us to see the world through them.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=AtleanWordsmith's Scores]


rcallaci
"Better Left Forgotten"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20


I'd like to start out by saying that I liked this. There was some awkward wording in some places and some missing punctuation, but overall, good effect.


The first paragraph feels a bit unnecessary, as the exposition provided could have easily been woven into Zaboris' story. YOu didn't need a standalone section for that, and could have used the extra room to expand on Zaboris' expedition.


You repeat yourself a couple of times as you move from section to section. In the first bit, you tell us about the fate of Santavaloria, then you tell us about it again in the second session. You also tell us about the fate of Zaboris and his men in the second section, then tell us about him again in the third. This took up precious space that you could have easily used to give us a little more story, and I think it forced you into a weak ending.


Overall, like I said, I liked the overall story. In the future, watch out for repetitive exposition and look for opportunities to weave details into your story instead of dumping it in a section of its own at the beginning.


Good work! Keep on trucking! Looking forward to seeing more from you in the future.


________________________________________
Anonymous Entry
"Act of Contrition"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18/20


I enjoyed this, but found it difficult to figure out what was going on around the point where the narrator says he "took the stuff and kept Uncle Steven's secret." Not quite sure how it fits into the narrative, but maybe I'm just being thick.


I do, however, love the way that you wove the story around the prayer, and the narrator's final resolve gives you a strong ending.


Thanks for sharing! Keep on writing!


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Lewdog
"Retired"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20


Though I don't normally go in for this sort of thing, you provided an entertaining story here. Keep in mind that there's only one "s" in "pus. Some of the dialogue and inner monologue came off as stiff, and there was one point in the story where you swapped tenses. Those kinds of things jar me out of a story, but overall, not so bad. Also, try to avoid run-on sentences:


The nurse left the room and Mr. Maplethorpe rolled to the side of the bed and began to put his clothes on.


Mr. Maplethorpe rolled off the bed and began to put his clothes on after the nurse had left.


Other than those few nitpicks, it was a good story, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you. Keep it up!


________________________________________
Allysan
"Memories Lost and Found"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15/20


This was a touching glimpse into the life of someone who suffers from memory problems, but I can't help feeling that you kind of forced the bit with the puzzle into the story like you were trying to make room for the prompt as an afterthought. Forgive me if I'm wrong on this count.


The gentle twist at the end was well done, but I would have cut the crossword answer, since it comes across as a bit heavy-handed, and ruins the subtlety of the crossword clue at the beginning.


All in all, though, a good read. Keep it up!


________________________________________
Dubthaigh
"The lake's gift"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 17/20


I don't often see "Bargain with the Devil" stories done quite as well as this. I don't mind that stories like this have been done before, what matters is the telling, and you've done a solid job. The only complaints I could make were some missing punctuation and run-on sentences:


The Cailleach laughed a cruel sound and Peter felt a prehistoric fear rise from the pit of his stomach and the hairs rise on the back of his neck.


The Cailleach laughed, a cruel sound, and Peter felt a prehistoric fear rise from the pit of his stomach. The hairs rose on the back of his neck.


Of course, things like that do tend to affect the tone of the story, but overall, I was pleased with your entry. Keep up the good work, looking forward to seeing more!


________________________________________
Anonymous
A Fine Epitaph
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 19/20


This was a wonderful read, I enjoyed every bit of it. You had a couple of spelling errors, but they looked more like they came from an eagerness to submit your work than anything else... still, they could have easily been avoided. My advice for the future is to slow down and check through everything before you post your work, just to be safe.


Seriously, though, keep this sort of work coming!


________________________________________
Saeria
"Anagrams"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18/20


This was a nice, lighthearted story, very enjoyable, though I think you wouldn't have lost anything by omitting the anagrams at the beginning and end. They seemed rather out of place, and I didn't see you touch on them anywhere else in the story.


Other than that, great job! Keep it up!


________________________________________
godofwine
"Stand Up"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 1/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 9/20


Oof. This submission has a lot of potential, but this feels more like a rough draft than a polished entry. You've got an awkward pacing, going from parent's concern to mother's hatred of football to background to mother's hatred of football to coach's encouragement to mother's hatred of football to genuinely moving end. You could have cut some of the mother's hatred of football. You established it toward the beginning, you could have easily expanded on it there, and left it at that.


You use a lot of colorful description, bordering on purple prose, and some of it doesn't fit well with the tone you're trying to go for. You could cut a lot of the descriptive words and phrases and lose nothing. You'd gain a good bit of extra space, where you could expand on the family's encouragement or Tiberius himself.


Like I said, though, there's a lot of potential here. I suggest getting with one of our mentors and working on things like pacing, dialogue, and structure. The only way to improve is to keep on writing, so keep at it!


________________________________________
DoubleFoxtrot
"Epilogue"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 19/20


Bravo! Always glad to see new members participating, and you brought an excellent piece to the table. With the exception of a few grammatical nitpicks, such as using dashes where commas would have sufficed, this was a great entry. Very subtle, with a satisfying ending.


Keep it up!


________________________________________
Kepharel
"I Think I Remember How To Do This"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 18/20


A moving piece, excellent but for one or two errors with punctuation and a few cases of awkward phrasing that interrupted my immersion. The inner monologue was well done, excellent use of italics to separate it from the rest of the story.


Keep it up!


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danielstj
"My Father's Baby Steps"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20


This was a heartfelt piece, though heavy on the exposition in some places. I feel that some of the events and dialogue could have been moved around for better effect. For instance, the prompt line, "I think I remember how to do this," might have been better suited for when the father was just getting out of the bed, rather than in the middle of the walk. Likewise, the bit about having been a bad son, etc, feels like it could have been moved to the end, where the narrator is explaining his regrets.


All said, though, this still tugged at my heartstrings. Keep up the good work!


________________________________________
Anonymous
"Breaking Chains"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 19/20


A good story with an appropriate title. It was easy to get into the mind of the protagonist, and you had a satisfying (if abrupt) end. My only complaint is that you drove the point about Doris being unfaithful a little hard. "Helen doesn't like Doris" would have sufficed, adding "or as she calls her, the neighborhood slut" was redundant and a bit heavy.


Other than that, great work! Keep it up!


________________________________________
Sleepwriter
"Boom! Out Go the Lights"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20


Loved this one, reminded me a bit of Tom Clancy. The only real advice I have to offer for this is to watch your flow. It felt like you were attempting to create a tense, fast-paced atmosphere, but the narration is a bit off-kilter:




One of the gunmen sat down in front of the computer terminal, the keys clicking as page after page of code scrolled by on the screen. It wasn’t long before the reactor’s warning lights and sirens were going off. Satisfied with their work, the gunmen left the complex as quickly as they had entered.


Could be:


One of the gunmen sat at the terminal and ran his fingers over the keyboard. Page after page of code scrolled by on the screen, and it wasn't long before the reactor's alarms went off. Satisfied, the gunmen left as quickly as they'd come.


Something that I learned early on joining this forum is that brevity is all right. You don't have to spell out everything for the reader, just provide the right context clues and you'll be good.


This was a great read, though, looking forward to seeing more.


________________________________________
Meteli
"Rising"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 16/20


Brevity is seldom a bad thing, and it's refreshing to see someone who recognizes that. I felt what you were going for here, but I also feel this has much more potential.


My biggest suggestion to you is to use the space available to you to flesh out your work a bit more. Take advantage of the space you're given to create something for your audience to see, to visualize, instead of simply telling them what's going on.


Looking forward to seeing more from you in the future. Keep it up!


________________________________________
HarperCole
"Killing Time"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20


Not gonna lie, the first thing I thought about when I finished reading this was God's Boss Craig. This is a creative entry, and the prompt is introduced subtlely, but not so much that I couldn't spot it. Great job! Keep it up!


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ppsage
"Ava"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20


A good read and a charming story. I enjoyed the journal-style narration, broke the entire thing up into bite-sized bits, and it works. You give the reader just the right amount of information to know what's going on without overloading or underwhelming them. 


Keep it up!


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kilroy214
"The Last Hurrah"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20


Without spaces between or indentions at the beginning of paragraphs, this one was a bit tough on the eyes. Formatting can make a big difference, so you'll want to pay attention to that sort of thing.


There seem to be a lot of one-sentence paragraphs that don't really need to be on their own, which makes the story read like a bullet list and isn't really condusive to the tone I feel you're trying to convey.


Don't let the negative marks put you off, though. Looking past the formatting issues and all, you've got an interesting read here. Keep working at it, because I'm definitely liooking forward to seeing more from you.
[/spoiler2]


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 23, 2015)

Congrats, Allysan, and congrats, ppsage!    You, too, Harper and midnightpoet!

Thanks to all of the contestants for your participation.  I had a blast judging for you this month.

Many thanks to my fellow judges for volunteering, and to you, Plu, for an excellent job hosting.  Looking forward to working with you again!


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## TKent (Aug 23, 2015)

Congrats to all of the winners and finalists!  And to everyone who entered  Love these competitions. And judges, you rocked it!!


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## Ariel (Aug 23, 2015)

Congratulations to all of the contestants!  Thank you to all of the other judges.  And a double thank you to our host, Pluralized!


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## Allysan (Aug 23, 2015)

Wow I am over the moon! There were some awesome entries this go round I didn't see it coming! Thanks judges for your critiques and of course Plu for the fantastic organization of it all! Good job everybody!


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## kilroy214 (Aug 23, 2015)

Congrats and thanks to all. I'm not going to lie, I had a tough time getting my entry down and to read the way I wanted it, especially after trimming about 150 words out of it to fit the entry requirement. And then the formatting issues...yeesh. To be honest, I'm just happy I got it submitted in time.
Thank you again, your input is always welcome and helpful.


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## rcallaci (Aug 23, 2015)

Thank you all- Yukilamia is a main character in the books I've been writing over the past eleven years or so I realize this was a rough write- too much exposition not enough story which I will correct in the future when doing these flash pieces. 

I thank plu for doing an outstanding job running this thing -please take a bow and a shake of my hand- I thank all the judges for their crit on my piece. I will make a few adjustments and continue on....

Congrats to the allysan and ave kudos 

my warmest
bob


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## Bard_Daniel (Aug 23, 2015)

Thanks for the scores and the critiques/comments judges! It made entering the contest so worth it!


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## Sleepwriter (Aug 23, 2015)

Congrats to all the winners and a big thank you to our judges!!

Sirmirror,  I was going to end it with the two of them expressing their love for one another as the bombs went off but was talked out it.  Either way, I still have trouble ending these short stories.

Pluralized,  I was hoping someone liked my 'rejected hypotheses'.

Amsawtell, Dang you and your quest for knowledge.   Oh well I tried.  My AR has both red dot and laser.  overkill, yeah, but it's the way I like it.

Ibb,  with the word limit, I thought about going into the why it was happening, but ran out of words.  I picked a piece and shoved it in the oven, just served it up a little under-cooked.

AtleanWordsmith*, *Thank you for the feedback and you are correct in your assessment.


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## Lewdog (Aug 23, 2015)

Thanks for all the input.  I pretty much thought this was going to be a middle of the pack entry and I was right.  Damn SpaG kills me every time!


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## aj47 (Aug 23, 2015)

Thank you judges.  

I'm concerned that so many thought my narrator was a man.  Now that Plu has blown my cover, would you have thought it was a woman if you'd known I'd written it?  

I think the idea that it was a "guy story" may have made it more difficult to figure that Uncle Steven had molested the narrator's younger (and still minor) sister, Jeanine, and gotten her pregnant.  He'd also molested the narrator but bought her silence with gifts.


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## ppsage (Aug 24, 2015)

Thank you. The remarkable value the LM competitions hold for me is achieved when my submission is complete. I had forgotten this simple fact for a spell, souring my interest. It is the case however, conviently ironic as it may seem, that without the deadline and the competition and the judging, I would not complete my effort, and I am, therefore, indebted to everyone involved in perpetuating the activity, whenever in the process their contribution occurs. Probably repayment in kind is beyond my current capacity. Forgive me for that. In appreciation, pp.


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## midnightpoet (Aug 24, 2015)

I congratulate the other winners, and I appreciate the judges' comments.  Third place is as high as I've ever gotten.  As always, these short pieces leave me with choices as what to leave in and what to take out.  I thought about dramatizing the argument between George and Doris, and I realized that the character change in George from wimp to growing a spine was rather quick.  All the judges made good points.  I cut this down from 800 words, I think I could do a 2000 word short story pretty easy and i might go there.   

sirmirror:  Not sure how the narrative could be bland and too direct at the same time.  At first, my narrator was overwhelmed by his wife's behavior, so the first part may have seemed bland.  Still, thanks for your comments, you gave me something to think about.

pluralized: thanks for your comments, glad you liked it.  

amsawtell: I really am puzzled as to where you got the idea of a phone call.  There was no phone call.  Still, you were right as too much tell and not enough show.  Appreciate the comments.

ibb: as I said above, the transition of the narrator was too quick.  Thanks for the comments.

atleanwordsmith: thanks for the comments, glad you liked it.


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## Harper J. Cole (Aug 24, 2015)

Thanks to the organiser and judges, and congratulations to the winners! :thumbl:

A little surprised to break into the top three for the first time, as I thought that was a bit weaker than my previous efforts, but I'm not complaining ...


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## Terry D (Aug 24, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners, thanks to the judges, and kudos to all entrants, these were a strong batch of stories.


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## Harper J. Cole (Aug 24, 2015)

> Not gonna lie, the first thing I thought about when I finished reading this was God's Boss Craig.




Thanks! I hadn't seen that series before, but it's rather funny. I like portrayals of deities as ordinary people with extraordinary powers, like in the ancient Greek Mythology.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 24, 2015)

Glad I was able to introduce you to something new. I loved your submission, it was hands-down one of the most interesting takes I've seen on life, religion, etc.  If that was a weaker example of your work, I'd hate to be up against you on a strong day.


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## Kepharel (Aug 24, 2015)

Thank you to all the judges for their time and effort put into the critiques. Ibb, I don't have a clue what you said ...... but it sounded pretty good all the same .  Perfunctory can be many things with Flash. It may be trying to pack too much into a 650 word limit, which has been noted before in my submissions, to which I must now add unconvincing. I think your point is maybe I am a bit too wordy for good flash but I'll keep trying anyhow. Allyson, If I were a judge you would have got top scores from me as well, it was a fine, fine read and thoroughly deserving of a top spot..


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