# Alluvia - What if tomorow wasnt tomorrow



## JenHLewis (Nov 12, 2015)

Deleted


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## Nym P. Seudo (Nov 13, 2015)

I'll try to give my best feedback. This has some fun components to look at. My edits/comments will be in bold red



JenHLewis said:


> Hello - Please see the first paragraph of my first novel. All thoughts welcome.
> 
> *Chapter 1*
> 
> ...



It has some grammatical errors. I'm not sure if British punctuation within quotations is different from American, but you might want to look into it. I tried to catch what I could, but I'm not an editor. Overall it was a fun scene. The conclusion is very strong and creates a lot of tension leading into the next chapter. It just needs a little more tidying. The sentences tend to contain a bit too much information. It was a fun read, though. Keep at it.


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## JenHLewis (Nov 13, 2015)

Thank you! It flows much better at the beginning. 
The line you want to omit is there for a reason, it ties into the rest of the book, its the clue. The POV changes here to signify that Mrs Spencer is more than just Mrs Spencer, her view is important because she is important...its also a clue. 
I know I break the show not tell rule here but it will become clear why... you have to break the rules sometimes right? 
I really appreciate your feedback though and your writing style is beautiful.


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## Clippins (Nov 13, 2015)

Good opening to your first novel and congrats on completing one by the way.  

Besides the grammatical errors pointed out, the little girl referring to her car specifically as an Audi A4 took me out of the scene.  She's 4 and I just don't see a 4 year old referring to a car with such a specific make and model reference.  I imagine you may have put it in there as a tie in to a future scene, i.e. maybe one of the characters drives one and it's another clue.  I just see a child answering that question with something like "that's my mommy's car" or something like that.


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## Rumpleteazer (Nov 13, 2015)

This is intriguing and I am wondering where you will be going with this. I do agree with Clippins though about a four year old child referring specifically to an Audi A4 doesn't feel right. Unless of course later on you have something that explains this. Perhaps the child was an adult when she died - not quite sure how this would work and may be stretching even supernatural logic a bit far.


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## JenHLewis (Nov 13, 2015)

you are correct! The line is uncomfortable, and would never be said by a child... but its there for a reason.


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## Blade (Nov 14, 2015)

I think this piece needs some spacing to highlight the dialogue and make it a little less confusing. Below is my opinion on it.

*********
​Free play was the noisiest and messiest part of the day but still Mrs Spencer’s favourite lesson. She was currently crouched over the water pit the sleeves of her cardigan soggy and rolled up, surrounded by several squealing children. She pours the Water Sand in, they watch it harden, then she scoops it out and delights in the children’s gasps of wonderment as it magically softens again and slips through her fingers. 

The bell goes off signalling break time and the children race from the room. She wipes away her fringe with the back of her wet arm. Standing up is laboured after so long in one position, her knees are stiff, she stretches out to loosen up, and it’s then she notices the little girl at the back who has failed to hear the bell and remains seated, scribbling frantically.

“Anna” she walks over “what are you doing, its playtime didn’t you hear the bell” she asks tenderly. 

Anna doesn’t flinch, but carries on scratching at the drawing she is so engrossed in. She doesn’t acknowledge Mrs Spencer’s presence, let alone offer an answer. She places her hand on Anna’s shoulder, this time the little girl looks up and smiles. There is something special about this little girl, I know teachers are not supposed to have favourites but if you asked Mrs Spencer, Anna would be hers, maybe its because she reminds her so much of her own daughter Anabelle.

“Anna, its playtime, you missed the bell” Mrs Spencer chuckles.

“Sorry Mrs Spencer” Anna says as her teacher reaches down to examine what she was so busy with. Its basic, of course it is, Anna is only four, but she can make out a car and a tree, possibly a lake, but it doesn’t appear to be a happy scene.

“Erm this is a lovely picture” she lies “What is this?” and she points to the squiggle.

“That’s a my Audi A4 Mrs Spencer” Anna answers without fault as she puts down the black Crayola and turns to watch the children playing outside in the sun.

“…and what is your Audi A4 doing Anna?” Mrs Spencer enquires.

She’s still looking out of the window

“It is hitting the Oak tree”. There is no movement to the little girl other than her lips as she answers.

“What is this picture Anna?” Mrs Spencer asks, a slight shock detectable in her voice. 

Anna turns to her, her pink bowed ponytail swishes as she does, her blue eyes lock on her teacher, her small plump legs swing from the chair 

“That’s how I died”.



*********​

Re. the punctuation I think you are missing a lot of commas in the dialogue, Mrs comes with a period.




> “Erm this is a lovely picture”


 A typo, I assume.




> her pink bowed ponytail swishes as she does,


 I think 'swishes' should be 'swishing'.


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 14, 2015)

I agree with the fixes that Nym has mentioned, but also think that you managed to convey a sense of interesting pull-- to get the reader into the story, with your last sentence. This shows style. Good!

Keep on writin'!


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## JenHLewis (Nov 14, 2015)

Much better! once again the saviour of my spacing and punctuation! thank you


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## ned (Nov 19, 2015)

hello - enjoyed the story - and go along with the previous comments

the grammar and punctuation needs more care -

That’s a my Audi A4 - There is no movement to (FROM) the little girl 

Anna turns to her, her pink bowed ponytail swishes as she does, - could be put
Anna turns to her, swishing her pink-bowed ponytail, - clearer - and clear that the ribbon is pink
not the ponytail....unless...

sort out the title - this is what is seen from the forum - it looks sloppy and
doesn't bode well without correct punctuation - and perhaps a question mark?


heading the right way, by the sound of it

cheers
Ned


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## JenHLewis (Nov 19, 2015)

ned said:


> hello - enjoyed the story - and go along with the previous comments
> 
> the grammar and punctuation needs more care -
> 
> ...



Hi Thanks Ned, appreciate all your points, well spotted. 
Not sure if you can change the title of the thread. It wasnt a question. More of a point. 
The title of the Novel is Alluvia
I added the additional part to help add the flavour of the story.


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## GVictoria (Nov 20, 2015)

I enjoyed the chapter, but there were missing punctuations in dialogue. There's also a mix of present tense and past tense.

I know teachers are not supposed to have favourites...
    -For me, I think it's better if it is '*she* knows teachers are not supposed to have favourites...' to keep the 3rd person POV going on


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## H.Brown (Jan 21, 2016)

I became gripped by this opening from the first sentence, the setting is different from a lot of the fiction that I have read before, however I would be willing and want to read more of this story. The ending of this chapter surprised me as I did not see the little girl being dead (a ghost) because of the physical interaction between the teacher and the little girl, is this going to be an interesting dynamic to your ghost that makes it different from other ghost is fiction? I enjoyed the twist at the end though.


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## JenHLewis (Feb 3, 2016)

H.Brown said:


> I became gripped by this opening from the first sentence, the setting is different from a lot of the fiction that I have read before, however I would be willing and want to read more of this story. The ending of this chapter surprised me as I did not see the little girl being dead (a ghost) because of the physical interaction between the teacher and the little girl, is this going to be an interesting dynamic to your ghost that makes it different from other ghost is fiction? I enjoyed the twist at the end though.



Thanks for the feedback. Just to tease you some more...This is not a ghost story.....


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## Jack of all trades (Feb 4, 2016)

This has promise.

Has the entire story been written, or is this a work in progress?


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## Jack of all trades (Feb 6, 2016)

Thanks for replying to my PM. Since you are finished writing the first draft, I will go ahead and post my suggestions.

Before I do, I'd like to ask a question and make a general observation. How long is this story now (words and chapters)?  And first rights are not protected in this forum, which means this chapter is considered published. Just want to point that out.


These suggestions are for the editing phase, so didn't want to post them if you were still writing the first draft. 

As I have already said, this piece has promise. It is a bit short for a chapter of a novel, however that is a mistake I made myself in writing my book and it's one that can easily be remedied.

The opening sentence tells the reader that free play is Mrs. Spencer's favorite part of the day. Instead of that, you can show more. Try to capture the confusion and energy. Give snipets of conversation and activity around her. And I found the Sand Water thing confusing. I'm not sure why the capitalization either. Is that a proper name? 

Preschool and kindergarten children are accompanied when they leave the classroom where I come from, so it seems to me that there should be some kind of hand-off to the next teacher or to an aide. During that hand-off, Mrs. Spencer can mention how free play is her favorite time of the day.

All of that would increase the length of the chapter, while not simply being extraneous filler, in my opinion.

Some other points to think about : 

Would the class go from free play inside to more free play outside? Should it be lunch, possibly?

You say that you have switched into first person because you are hinting at something. Is that the best way to drop a hint? It seems like an author error instead of a hint. If it were me, I'd look at that part again and maybe skip the hinting or find a more effective way to do it.

I didn't have a problem with the Audi remark. It did make it pretty obvious that Anna was drawing a picture of her past life. Is that something that belongs in chapter one? Maybe the first chapter should wrap up with Mrs. Spencer remembering Anabelle (Annabelle?) instead. The similarity of the names did bother me a bit. It felt like a connection was being forced. Something to think about. 

Keep in mind that a story is considered a novel when it is 40,000 words or more, so there's no need to rush the story. 

Again, this piece has potential. If these comments give you doubts, you should know I made similar mistakes with my first mystery. I had to learn and grow. I hope you find these comments useful.


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