# Sylvia's Voice



## Deleted member 33527 (Dec 11, 2013)

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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 11, 2013)

Nice.

Just a thought, some words could hold more emphasis if changed.

Thanks for sharing.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Dec 11, 2013)

Thank you for reading.


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## Gargh (Dec 11, 2013)

I've made a few suggestions below that I think could improve the rhythm. This is lovely though Fatima, clear and strong.


Sylvia’s Voice
by Fatima Al-Shemary


Your ghost-voice lingers in these pages.

_I am. I am. I am.__(Italics instead of quotes, less intrusive)_

Today, the stubborn heart it rages.
Determined to die, determined to live, 
But here, in these pages, caught in the best element.
Not living, not dead, but simply _am_.

_I am. I am. I am._

The voice as prophetic as it waswhen it began.
Playing at the strings of a beating heart, 
Determined to die, But determined to live
Within these ink-stained pages.

_I am. I am. I am._

You are not dead as long as your voice is alive lives.
And this temporarily beating heart
Survives within the voice of your pages.

You are. You are. You are.



With changes implemented;


Today, the stubborn heart it rages.
Determined to die, determined to live,
But here, in these pages, caught in the best.
Not living, not dead, but simply _am_.

_I am. I am. I am.
_ 
The voice as prophetic as when it began.
Playing the strings of a beating heart,
Determined to die, determined to live
Within these ink stained pages.

_I am. I am. I am.
_ 
You are not dead as long as your voice lives.
And this temporarily beating heart
Survives within your pages.

You are. You are. You are.


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## tinacrabapple (Dec 11, 2013)

Dreamy, Another poem that I really enjoyed.  You have a lovely voice, even if the subject matter is influenced by Sylvia!  With or without suggested edits- it's a "home run" as a friend of mine likes to say, when describing decent writing.


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## Kevin (Dec 11, 2013)

Sounds good spoken. I like some of G's edits..


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## Deleted member 33527 (Dec 11, 2013)

Gargh, thank you for the suggestions! I like a lot of your edits and the way they've steadied the flow of the poem. Thank you for taking the time to share your insights. 

tinacrabapple, thank you for the compliments. And thanks for calling this a home run! Actually, yesterday I was literally crying about the fact that I can never get the chance to meet someone who has inspired my writing as much as Sylvia - this poem came to life out of that mood, which I now call my "Plath moods." 

Kevin, thank you for taking the time to read!


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## starchild (Dec 12, 2013)

Wow. Incredible poem. I love Sylvia Plath's writing too and your poem was beautiful. I can relate to her as I have manic depression so I was influenced by her resilience. Also, have you read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath? It was highly criticized when she was alive, but I found it to be a seriously moving book. It's a fictional story, but it also reflected her own life and problems finding peace in her existence. I think that often women like Sylvia Plath are just so deeply aware of the world, that it's painful and so being able to write with sarcasm, abstractly, and execute a profound statement is a sort of protest against the disparities between men and women, and ultimately the violence that keeps people separate and in a constant state of denial.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Dec 15, 2013)

Hi Starchild. Thank you for your comments. "The Bell Jar" is my favorite book. I love Plath and I love all of her work. Actually, the line "I am. I am. I am" is directly from "The Bell Jar"


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## JonEd (Dec 15, 2013)

I think Garghs edits were spot on, but the poetic value of this piece is something I really felt. It has this flow that just seems to work so well, in an odd way. I can't wait to read more of your work


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## Gumby (Dec 15, 2013)

Nice work, Dreamy. Gargh made some great suggestions, too.


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## blackiris212 (Jun 5, 2014)

This is like one of my favorite poems of yours.


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## Scribe101 (Jun 6, 2014)

Hi Fatima,

I admire the work of Sylvia Plath as well. I think her poetry is better than 
Ted Hughes'. Though I'm not a feminist Hughes-basher. His work is excellent
too. 

In offering this critique I feel rather like a big bad ogre, since a lot of praise 
has been heaped on this poem. Though someone ought to get their hands
dirty. 

This poem has potential. It's obvious to me that you have a gift
for language and an ear for the music of language. But, generally,
this poem is cliched, full of dead language and pseudo-poetical
phrasing. 

Take this line: "Playing at the strings of a beating heart"

Not only is it unoriginal to the point of being meaningless,
but it has a strong whiff of mixed metaphor about it. Not 
a pure mixed-met., just a touch. A beating heart suggests
percussion, yet 'playing at the strings' indicates a different instrument.

Anyway, what does 'playing at the strings' mean? When I play
guitar, I never play at the strings - I play the guitar - I pick or strum
the strings. 

I'm guessing that you're playing with the idea of heartstrings. 
You know how people say 'tugging at my heartstrings'. This is
so horribly cliched that any would-be poet will do well to avoid it
until they have honed their craft. 

Having said that, you do have a good sense of diction, 
and are capable of writing very graceful sentences. 

Just dig a bit deeper for some originality.


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## Pandora (Jun 6, 2014)

"You are not dead when your voice is alive" that rocks Dreamworx. Another reason to write, writers never really die away. I'm a Sylvia fan, she rocks too!


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## aj47 (Jun 6, 2014)

Thank you for boosting this.


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## Ethan (Jun 7, 2014)

Gotta go with Gargh! Some excellent revision of a powerful poem. A nice continuity in this piece  and with the suggested edits it works well!


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## Deleted member 33527 (Aug 14, 2014)

Whoa! Didn't realize I had gotten more critiques! Thanks guys!


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## xRiotZx (Aug 14, 2014)

I think this would suit a song really well, as lyrics.


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