# The Roommate! Edited!



## Super00141 (Sep 24, 2013)

*The Roommate! (Screenshots of script)*

Tell me if the writing is too small on the pictures! If it is, download the PDF! 

Ok, so this is what I got so far. Again, there can only have 2 people, but I'm going to try for 3. If I can't get 3, I'll simply have it so the robber#2 and Derek are the same actor, since they are never on the stage at the same time. Please give be some dialogue, ideas, (I'm not sure how to do the ending), and tell me what you like or dislike about it! Thanks, I also do not have all the stage directions and stuff in yet, as I will be adding that in, once I see the stage I'm preforming on. To see what is possible.

Here's the PDF version! View attachment The Roommate.pdf

Or heres pictures that will make it so you can read without downloading it!




Something I should note. Brad is Robber #1 (If it wasn't obvious) and since I can only have two people, Robber #2 and Derek are never on stage at the same time. Robber #2 will be the same actor as Derek, but will be wearing a ski mask and different cloths to make it less noticeable. Derek is not Robber #2 though, its just the same actor.

What I'm looking for:

If you like/dislike it?
What you like/dislike it?
What I should change? (So it makes sense, or is worded badly, stuff like that)
Please share any dialogue you can think of?

I don't like my ending, if you can think of how I can word it so it flows better, or makes more sense. Please share it!
Also, if you can think of a completely different ending, that would be great! Please share it!


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## Alabastrine (Sep 24, 2013)

I don't know why, but I find that really hard to read. I gave up after four sentences. My eyes must also have ADD. If you edit it the names of the characters maybe or you could Italicize the dialog...I think it would help a bit.


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## Heid (Sep 24, 2013)

I agree with Alabastrine. It needed a bit of formatting to differentiate between setting and dialogue. It's probably a good idea to move character emotions (such as nonchalantly and pompous) to the beginning of the dialogue so the actors know how to say their lines.

There were also some glaring typos which were difficult to ignore.

As an early draft I would say it needs a fair amount of work. Some of the dialogue was pretty cliche as well. I do quite like the idea of Brad being caught out with the camera though. That can certainly put a whole new spin on the story.

Keep at it


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## Super00141 (Sep 24, 2013)

Yeah, the copy and paste made it hard to read, but if you look at the PDF, its a lot easier to read.


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## TheoMiller (Oct 4, 2013)

Watch your/you're and punctuation. Brad and Derek's conversations seem a little stilted, like they move through topics too fast. But the robbers definitely captured my intention, so that's awesome. Also, I don't know if you intended it as a joke, but "Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick." definitely got a chuckle.


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## Super00141 (Oct 4, 2013)

Finally someone got that joke! No one in my class seemed to get it


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## TheoMiller (Oct 4, 2013)

Story of my life. I made a Rome joke in Latin Club and literally only my teacher got it.


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## sellyourbooks (Oct 7, 2013)

I loved this.  A home security system? gaaa this would make a awesome story. Seems you wrote it as a play. What's the reason for that?


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## Super00141 (Oct 7, 2013)

I wrote it as a play because I had to write a script for school drama class. And this is what I came up with!

Got any ideas for a better ending anyone?


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## sokko (Oct 8, 2013)

Love the premise. And I actually kinda like the ending. But I agree with TheoMiller about the dialogue. It's too contrived. Especially when you're trying to reveal some of Brad's back story through Derek's lines. It just doesn't sound natural. 

Good work with Derek, but Brad's character is too inconsistent. For someone who is so assertively lazy at the beginning, he get's pretty defensive about it pretty fast. A spoiled kid should feel entitled; he should naturally think that others are supposed to do things for him. Brad gets close to this at the beginning, but the entitlement is gone once he starts talking about being an active security guard, and the laziness is gone once he shows enough initiative to find an accomplice and break in. But the security guard bit is definitely one of the high points of this script so you can't just dump it. So, since you can't change the plot, the best option is to tweak the character. 

*My suggestion: *Change it so that Brad is suffering from mild depression at the beginning - because of having been cut off by his parents. Derek, while being a friend and helping Brad out, is intent in snapping him out of his slump. The dialogue could be still be Derek complaining, but in between the complaints he could be giving some advice to cheer Brad up and motivate him to do something. Here's where you can mention Brad's past more naturally (i.e. Derek could say that being cut off is just what he needed to grow up and become a real man... or something to that effect). Because of his depression, Brad can be apologetic about his laziness, while still being lazy, because he can legitimately want to help, but just can't. When the pep talks don't work, Derek resorts to kicking Brad out. This finally does the trick for Brad. Being rejected by his parents made him sad, but being rejected by his last friend makes him angry. So now he has the motivation to get active and do something. His first act, revenge against Derek... and so on and so forth.

Hope this was of some help.  Good luck!


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## Super00141 (Oct 8, 2013)

Just added more stage direction, and edited a bit of the dialogue.

Tell me what you think!

Sokko, I didn't take your advice in the new version, but I'm attempting to add it now.


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## sokko (Oct 8, 2013)

Heya! The extra stage directions help a lot. 

Thanks for considering my advice, but do keep your salt shaker on hand. My suggestion was just for another way to define Brad's character and his motivations. After reading the script another time, I find his motivations aren't too incredible as is, particularly if you want to keep this firmly in the realm of comedy. Taking the depression route can still be comic, but it will be a more serious theme to deal with. 

The only big problem to overcome is the forced dialogue. If you could smooth out the interactions and make them sound more natural, I think this would be fine. Maybe slow things down just a little. Focus on the important points and cut some things that aren't absolutely necessary. For example, do we really need to know that Brad has been cut off from his parents? I think the important point there is that he is lazy. We can all easily relate to that alone, without having to know exactly why he's that way. Also, the audience already knows enough history between Derek and Brad, we don't need to hear it a second time via Robber #1 explaining it to Robber #2. 

There will always be ways to change and improve a piece of writing. Tweaking the details makes a difference on paper, where the reader can scrutinize everything. But on stage it's not going to matter too much. The situations are funny; let the audience enjoy that. Too much expository dialogue can actually get in the way. Try to let the characters be themselves, and allow the audience to infer the rest.


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