# Hidden Agenda



## Pelwrath (Jun 14, 2018)

This came at lunch just recently.

Pain; invisible blood;hidden missery.
Admitting this to others, should cast no blame.
Internal perceptions are elements of trickery.
Never let yourself find it acceptable, living in shame.


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## jenthepen (Jun 14, 2018)

This is another thought-provoking idea for a poem, Pel. I like the way you have tried to keep everything short and to the point. I've come up with a few suggestions that you might like to consider but don't alter anything that takes the poem further from your original message.

Pain; invisible blood;hidden missery.  It might add to the power of these already strong elements if you give them each a new line and a capital letter. misery has one s.
Admitting this to others, should cast no blame. I'd remove the word 'should' - 'Admitting this to others casts no blame' sounds more positive.
Internal perceptions are elements of trickery. As with line 1, How about using two lines here and dropping the 'and' ?
Never let yourself find it acceptable, living in shame. Could you come up with a snappier way to say this in less words? 


Anyway, just a few ideas to play with. Thanks for letting us see this one. 

jen


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## Pelwrath (Jun 14, 2018)

Jenn;
 Thanks for your suggestions, I’ll digest them later but new lines interupt what I spelled out with the first letter of each line.  Doesn’t mean I won’t do that.


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## jenthepen (Jun 15, 2018)

Ah yes, my bad. I should have known to look out for literary inserts in your poems.


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## Krysondra (Jun 18, 2018)

Hi, Pelwrath!

I like the way you've used the lettering.  I'm a little concerned with the punctuation.  

_
Pain; invisible blood;hidden missery._ - There should be a space between blood and hidden.  (nit picky)  You're separating ideas with semi-colons which I might be able to accept except the rest of the poem does have full sentences.  I would recommend picking on and going with that.  

_Admitting this to others, should cast no blame.  -_I would take the comma out here and leave it as one long idea.  I also like the use of should as the stigma attached to internal pain often means that there is blame and negative connotations associated with admitting it.  

_Internal perceptions are elements of trickery.
Never let yourself find it acceptable, living in shame.

_I like the message, but I feel like the last line needs some tightening up.  I realize you're going for the rhyme, but it feels really forced.

~ Krys


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## Pelwrath (Jun 18, 2018)

Kyosandra;

      Thanks very much for your time in reading and providing your suggestions.  Yup, I forgot the space there, thanks. I hope that I’ll have time this week to work on revisions.  One from an outside source had commented on the first line semicolons, with the suggestion I do that every other line, like a pattern rhyme.
Oh well back to work.


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## Pelwrath (Jun 19, 2018)

Thank you all for your suggestions. I finally put together a revision I'm happy with and it was harder than I thought.  I hope you enjoy it.


Pain; invisible blood; misery’s hiding place.
Admitting this to others, should cast no blame.
Internal perceptions; tricky elements.
Never find it acceptable to live in shame.


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## Krysondra (Jun 22, 2018)

Hi, Pelwrath!

I like the revision a lot.  It flows better to me.  I still want to kill the comma in line two.  I think it will provide better symmetry with Line 4.  But I love what you've done with Line three to mirror Line one.  

Krys.


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## jenthepen (Jun 22, 2018)

A million apologies for missing your revision, Pel. You have made this into a tight and powerful poem. It says everything, yet flows well and carries a clear message. You kept the acrostic element too. Well done!


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## Pelwrath (Jun 22, 2018)

@jen  No apologizes are needed.  Thanks for your kind thoughts and support.


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## Sara Ella (Jun 24, 2018)

Pelwrath,  this poem is so thought provoking.  And the message, as I understand it, is a good reminder.  Nicely done!


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## TuesdayEve (Jun 27, 2018)

Yes Pel, I liked the original but I see and like the
improvement with the second... and I learned something
important about the use of semi-colons. Nice acrostic.


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