# Am I Alone?



## MadMickyG (Apr 24, 2017)

Just an FYI, the last time I worked on this was Jan 11 2001.  Was meant to be a story, but felt a poem was required instead.

*AM I ALONE?*

The sun sets low in the western sky,
The horizon glowing like a wild bush fire,
I abruptly awaken, from my daytime rest,
As the last of the sunlight is gone from the west,
I stretch my limbs, get my body warm,
For every night I am re-born,
I leap from my roost, and soar through the air,
I am one with the shadows, no-one knows I am there,
I can see all the people that live far below,
But it is the only place I dare not go,
If they knew, or perhaps learned about me,
They’d make me a prisoner, I’d no longer be free,
I soar through the sky with fully spread wings,
I ride the air currents and the thermal winds,
I love my freedom, I can do as I please,
I ride high in the sky, or skim low over trees,
I continue my quest, as I like to explore,
But there’s only one thing I am looking for,
I’ve searched here and there, gone far and wide,
They elude me still, or perhaps they just hide?
I have my doubts of the questions I ask,
Where is my kind?  Am I truly the last?
I will never stop searching, for as long as I can,
I am not quite a beast, but yet not quite a man,
I return to my roost, well before dawn,
For I begin my sleep at the start of each morn,
When the sun rises, bringing light to this world,
I become a statue of stone, still a lonely gargoyle.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

I loved it. It's really sad. It's way better than mine.

It's an actual poem too, it rhymes and everything. That might put the 'real poets' off, they like to think they're too deep for real poems in the same way that modern artists think random meaningless crap has relevance.


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## Firemajic (Apr 24, 2017)

MadMickyG said:


> Just an FYI, the last time I worked on this was Jan 11 2001.  Was meant to be a story, but felt a poem was required instead.
> 
> *AM I ALONE?*
> 
> ...





Hello. MadMickyG.... This is a very nice poem, and I think your writing instincts were right on when you saw the poem potential instead of a short story...
I hope you do not mind, but I arranged this in stanzas to show you how stanzas work... stanzas show a shift in your message, leading your reader gently to the next part and on toward the conclusion of your poem. 

I loved your message, you told a melancholy story, about how it feels to be different from everyone else... a feeling I know all to well. I have been called a freak all of my life, so this poem spoke to that pain in me... Being different is a lonely feeling, like you expressed in your poem.
One more thing, in poetry, less is more, so edit out all the unnecessary, distill down to the essence of your message... 

Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, my name is Julia and I am looking forward to reading more of your work..


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## Darkkin (Apr 24, 2017)

MadMickyG said:


> Just an FYI, the last time I worked on this was Jan 11 2001.  Was meant to be a story, but felt a poem was required instead.
> 
> *AM I ALONE?*
> 
> ...




An interesting concept, but there are issuses that need to be addressed, the most critical.  This is all tell and no show.  The pace plods along, as a reader it felt like you had to about will the next line into being.  With poetry you need to be cognizant of your word choices...Redundancies in particular.  Within the first five lines you kindly informed the reader that the sun had set no less than three times.  Use context to your advantage.  Show.  Do not tell.  It is something a lot of writers do and there is no faster way to bore the reader.  

A rule of thumb with narratives, (a trick I gleaned from my most demanding critic my six-year-old nephew...) Ask yourself how would your five-year-old self be responding?   Are you listening to the story or is you focus now on the carpet pattern?  Hook the reader's attention and fix it.  Give them a reason to keep going.

Also, with the redundancy issue, there is a flip side.  While you have been so focused on making sure the reader knows the time of day, you haven't put any focus on the description of the creature.  At the end we know its a gargoyle, but with your description it could be anything from a bat to a dragon.  Point of fact it could be any nocturnal creature that flies.  Look for a balance between the overspecifications and the inadvertently vague.  Establish the time, but don't make a project out of it.  Focus on your narrator.  Detail his travels, the actual things he sees.  You have five senses, use them.  Show through his interactions with his surroundings.  Consider what the wind smells like, feels like.  How does it sound?  Sensory perceptions and emotions need to be a tangible experience not a second hand retelling.  You need to let the reader empathize with the gargoyle.  And right now it is difficult to do because of the monologue.  Think about how people interact when they talk.  There is inflection, hand motions, expression.  This is what showing does, it is what brings character to the character.

You need to edit.  Read aloud.  Streamline.

e.g.

I soar through the sky with fully spread wings,
I ride the air currents and the thermal winds.
I love my freedom, I can do as I please. 

Consider what is wind, if not an air current?  And what is a thermal if not a type of wind?  These are areas where you can rein in the monologuing and activate the writing.

My wings, my freedom stretched wide 
tap the thermal current and I am away.
The constellations, dear friends, smile.

The piece has an interesting perspective, not too many gargoyles out there.  Show the reader what this creature sees.  Put them in his head and it has potential.  And if you are set on using a rhyme scheme.  Try to be consistent with it.  An inconsistent scheme with both true and slant rhymes can make for a very jagged read.  Akin to driving on a flat tire.  Just as the reader gets going..._Thud.  _And in all honesty the narrative has enough potential that a scheme isn't needed.  Try an edit both with and without a scheme, read them both aloud and listen to what you hear. 

I deal almost exclusively in classic form, rhymed narratives, so rhyme is a handy tool, but it can hinder more than it helps.

- D. the T.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

Darkkin said:


> I soar through the sky with fully spread wings,
> I ride the air currents and the thermal winds.
> I love my freedom, I can do as I please.
> 
> ...


You really think that revision is in any way an improvement? Er, no!

I get the strong impression that Darkkin criticises not to help people but to try to feel superior.

I loved that you don't find out that it's a gargoyle until the end.


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## Firemajic (Apr 24, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> You really think that revision is in any way an improvement? Er, no!
> 
> .





DarKKin was only showing an example of a different way to say the same thing.....


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## Darkkin (Apr 24, 2017)

Basic of critique format...

e.g.

Quantifying an example, not what should or has to be done.  Merely what can.


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## PiP (Apr 24, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> You really think that revision is in any way an improvement? Er, no!
> 
> I get the strong impression that Darkkin criticises not to help people but to try to feel superior.
> 
> I loved that you don't find out that it's a gargoyle until the end.



I think it is up to the OP (micky) to decide. Darkkin is an experienced poet and I value her critique. I am already in contact with the OP to ask if he was looking for serious critique and wants to improve. Please be aware everyone has different opinions as poetry is subjective. If a pat on the back is all that is expected then no problem If the OP wants to learn and improve then he asks questions and asks D to expand on her comments.

No one is out to score points. We are here to help each other.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

My bad. I shouldn't have let my problem spill over into Micky's thread, sorry dude.

I stand by the poem not revealing it's a gargoyle until right at the end and it consistently rhyming are strengths rather than weaknesses though.


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## sas (Apr 24, 2017)

A good workshop is a delicate endeavor. It's aim is not to please, but to give honest opinion, and more often than not, experienced opinion. Accepting it is for the poet to decide, and not a requirement. Very often I myself do not take it, but am grateful to those who took time to read, consider and try to help. Most think a workshop is saying, "Nice job. I can relate. blah, blah, blah" Well, then, just why was it nice? We also learn from positives that we may have personally overlooked. 

Over the years, it's been my experience that too many are posting for applause, not real critique. We must all decide why we are here. Some can accept it. And, not everyone uses tip-toes to relate their opinion. For me, I prefer directness. I do not need the sugarcoat. Waste of time to me. Get to the rat killing, as we Detroiters say, for it's the best way to clean something up. And, if someone wants to kill one of my pet rats (lines), I keep it. Simple.


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## jenthepen (Apr 24, 2017)

MadMickyG said:


> Just an FYI, the last time I worked on this was Jan 11 2001.  Was meant to be a story, but felt a poem was required instead.
> 
> *AM I ALONE?*
> 
> ...




Ooh, I wish I had thought to write a gargoyle poem! We have a lot of them on old buildings in this area of Hereford, UK and the thought of them coming to life at night and returning to their roost in the morning is quite magical.

I thought the rhythm in your poem was pretty faultless and worked well throughout. If you did decide to work on it, maybe some historical imagery to show the ancient credentials of gargoyles would work?

For me, this was an enjoyable and unusual glimpse into the magical world of the wondrous gargoyle race. 

Please write some more poetry.

jen


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## MadMickyG (Apr 24, 2017)

I am happy that people understood what I was trying to say.  I am sure at some point, everyone has felt that way.  I know I did, hence partly why I wrote the poem this way.

I am totally fine with Darkkin's comments, as she is the master here, not me.

She has knowledge to pass on.  Each master passes their knowledge on differently. I could add more visual to it, with more of what is seen.  I would not reveal what it is until the end, as I want the reader to keep going.

Although my 12 year old just read the poem, but skipped to the end to see what it was.  As you said about 5 year olds, maybe that's an indicator. 

I will look at redoing it, trying to streamline it a little more.  With less repetitive visuals.

Thanks again for all comments and critiques.


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## PiP (Apr 24, 2017)

Micky, i see you've already received some useful critique from some of WF's most experienced poets

With a little work you have the makings of a good poem here  We look forward to seeing the revision

Love the image this conjures

_The horizon glowing like a wild bush fire,_


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## MadMickyG (Apr 24, 2017)

Oops, double post.

Changing to new post.

Thanks PiP (My daughters name is Pippa, so Pip is one of her nicknames. )

I will leave it for a bit, then go back to it.  Want to pull the most out of this, make it something memorable.


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## Darkkin (Apr 24, 2017)

There is a Peter S. Beagle sort of feel to the idea.  The unicorn has been done, but the gargoyle is a fresh take.  Bring it to life.  And Jen's suggestion about including gargoyle lore.  Seriously consider looking into that.


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## MadMickyG (Apr 24, 2017)

Thanks Darkkin.  I do love me a bit of research.  

For my hero story, I have been researching many different diseases.  It's sad I can pretty much find a disease to lead in to the powers the characters have.  Very sad indeed.


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## kastro (May 3, 2017)

I enjoy the storing you're telling and think you rhymed things well, it flows smoothly. The beginning seems a little redundant (with west/sky/sun) and I think you could add a little more depth to the story with your choice of words. It feels pretty straight forward and although I understand the themes (loneliness/isolation, longing, companionship, freedom) I'd like to feel more connected to those themes with the words you use. Maybe think of words, colors, imagery that makes you feel those themes and try inserting them where they fit into the story line. Just a suggestion, keep up the good work!


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## Bard_Daniel (May 4, 2017)

I'd just like to say that I am very interested in seeing a revision of this poem and I think you've got the embers of a good poem here.

Write on!


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## Ruru (May 23, 2017)

This is nice!


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