# My first attempt at an action/death scene



## Eicca (Feb 6, 2011)

So try to be a little nice? Actually I don't care, I need whatever help I can get to make it better. Anyway a little background: Jeff Baron's brother Justin just returned from five intense years in the military and the two are walking back to Justin's place following breakfast. On their way back they happen upon a hideous car wreck in an intersection and change their course slightly.

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        They walked for a moment in silence until they found an alleyway that appeared to suit their needs. Jeff peered down the narrow slot between the buildings. "This one looks like it goes all the way through..." His guess was confirmed by the faint sight of cars shooting past at the far end.

	The two of them turned down the alley, listening as the sirens grew louder behind them. Jeff was hoping and praying in his heart that nobody had lost their life. But the images of the horribly mangles vehicles returned to his mind, and he shuddered again. He knew the feeling, that void that came with the loss of a loved one. He knew what that hopeless, twisting emptiness could do to a person. He knew nobody should ever have to feel it.

	Justin kicked over an empty soda bottle. "So how do you want to kill the time until your shift?"

	Jeff thought for a moment. Then he smiled. "I think I was half-expecting you to come up with something completely ridiculous for us to do. Like you always used to."

	Justin laughed. "Yeah, I would, but five years in the Marines instills a man with a kind of dignity. I don't think I'd be paying very good respect to what I've learned if we went and dressed up as elevator stewards again and stole everyone's money again."

	"Hey, we didn't steal it, they gave it to us."

	"Either way I feel like we ought to at least do something productive. Maybe--" He stopped abruptly. Two men had appeared up ahead, walking slowly towards them. Dressed in grubby clothes and strutting with some very distinct attitude, it was clear they meant trouble.

	"Street gang," Justin whispered out of the corner of his mouth. The brothers slowed their pace.

	Jeff felt a slight flutter of uneasiness inside him. "What could they possible want with us?" he whispered back.

	"Anything they can get. These gangs are ugly. Keep it cool, but get ready to take them down if things start to get out of hand. They shouldn’t be too big a problem..."

	They stopped just short of collision in front of the two rough-looking men, each meeting the stare of the one across from him. Nobody said a word for several moments.

	Then the biggest of the two gangbangers slammed a fist into his palm and raised his chin. He twitched an eyebrow at Justin. "Boy you ain't said nothin' and yer already askin' for trouble."

	Justin didn't flinch. He spoke in a low, even voice: "Do you need something?"

	The man narrowed his eyes. "Don't you get nasty with me, prettyboy. I'd be more worried about what you want, which right now would be not gettin' killed."

	Jeff glanced at his brother. He appeared completely calm, hands in pockets, but his tight jaw and slightly-wider-than-normal stance hinted to Jeff that he was prepared to fight if he had to.

	Justin gave him a look so dirty it could have stained crude oil. "Are you insane or something? I suggest you turn yourself around and find someone else to mug. Unless your fat head thinks you have a chance against two trained soldiers."

	Jeff had hoped that the mention of their military background would scare them away...

	But the gangbangers just cracked their massive knuckles. "What I'm thinkin' is that the four of us rearrange yer insides and then help ourselves to your stuff."

	From behind them came the sound of spit hitting the cement. Jeff was starting to get nervous. Their training wasn't going to make the fact that they were outnumbered any easier to deal with. The sound of a gun being cocked behind Justin's head seconds later really had a way of making the situation even worse.

	"Now then. What I want is everything on you. Yer wallet, yer phone, yer watch, yer jacket, you gettin' the idea."

	Jeff threw himself at the man with the gun, catching him off guard. The weapon spun in the air, then clattered to the ground and slid under a dumpster. Two massive hands hauled Jeff back upright before he could deliver any blows. An equally huge and smelly arm clamped him in a headlock. He struggled frantically to break the grip. Over the sound of his own heartbeat he could hear Justin exchanging blows with the first two attackers. He could fight for a while without air, but if his circulation was cut off, it would be over in a matter of seconds, and his brother would be on his own.

	Jeff heard a dull whack, and the grip loosened. He stumbled forward, gasping for breath, and out of the corner of his eye saw both of Justin's assailants on the ground. Justin threw the unconscious man aside and rushed over to Jeff. "You okay?"

	Jeff nodded and straightened up. "Thanks, I don't... Behind you!" The gang leader had recovered and pulled a gun of his own and was now only inches away. Justin spun and forced the man's arm upward just as the gun fired twice.

	A window shattered high above, and suddenly Jeff felt his legs being cut out from under him. Gravel cut into his palms as he caught himself inches above the ground. He rolled over and lashed out with his foot, sending the man reeling backwards. He continued his roll to see Justin pin the leader against the wall and deal him a blow to his face. And then...

	No.

	A fifth man was approaching at a fast walk, his hand reaching into his jacket for what could only be another gun.

	"Justin!" His cry went unnoticed as Justin was thrown backwards by a fierce punch. He recovered and launched another ferocious upward attack at the massive gang leader.

	Jeff tried to run, tried to stop the fifth man before it was too late, but he was again grabbed from behind. The assailant's hands locked over his chest, pinning his arms at his side. He jabbed behind him with his elbows, but the attack was weak, and the man flung him sideways against the dumpster.

	Dazed, Jeff tried to rise and break away, but the gangbanger thrust a knee into his ribs. Through the blur of pain he saw the gang leader crash to the ground in front of him.

	The fifth man drew closer, a gleaming black handgun held near his waist.

	Justin lunged at Jeff's attacker and slammed him into the dumpster. His head hit the metal with a loud clang.

	Jeff pulled himself up and was about to warn Justin of the approaching threat when was abruptly grabbed by the collar and yanked to his feet. He found himself inches from the gang leader's yellow teeth. The reek of cigarettes washed over him as the man growled "No way out for you now, prettyboy."

	The man tossed him like a doll. He hit the ground and skidded, tearing holes in his jacket. With a yell, Justin attacked again and threw the huge gang leader to the cement for the third and final time.

	Two harsh clicks rang through the alley as the fifth man pulled and released the slide.

	"No!" The scream tore from Jeff's throat. He scrambled to his feet and broke into a run...

	Justin turned to face the sound.




He dove at the man, like an animal... Driven to kill... Another bullet, barely missing his ribs. Policemen storming the alley. Pulling him back.


_"Jeff! Listen to me, they're gone! You can't go back! They're gone!"_
_
_
Justin's body motionless on the ground. Blood soaking his shirt.


_He tried to run, but Jordan pulled him back. He screamed and kicked frantically, desperate to break from his grip, to find them, to rescue them. "Jeff no! Jeffrey!"_
_
_
They got away. All but one of them.


_He tore free, running toward the devastation, screaming their names, stumbling over the wreckage. Shards of glass cut into his feet._
_
_
He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. A paramedic’s blurred face, trying to communicate.


_He fell to his knees amid the rubble, tears wrung from his body by the constricting horror that threatened to crush his heart..._
_
_
He didn’t even get to say goodbye...





Feel free to ask any questions that pop into your head so I can connect what I've already got covered later in the book and whatever else I may need to cover.

Thanks!


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## Sam (Feb 7, 2011)

I think you have knack for writing good characters, which makes the reader care when something happens to them. I saw the ending coming, though. The concept of a military man losing a sibling in a fight and then vowing revenge is not new by any means, but this piece definitely has some promise. You also have a good command of English and your writing reflects that. I was drawn into the story because my mind did not pick up on any glaring mistakes other than one. Second paragraph, third sentence: " . . . images of horribly *mangles". *This should be 'mangled'. 

I have one problem with the story itself. I doubt a soldier would tell a street gang he was military-trained. He would want to keep the element of surprise, letting them think they were dealing with two ordinary Joes, and then neutralise them before they knew what had happened. Of course, there's a certain machismo in every soldier which can get in the way. So it's not as much 'unbelievable' as it is a little questionable. 

Otherwise, I enjoyed this. I did notice you said it was your first action/death scene. I assume that with Jeff's military background and the death of his brother that some kind of revenge mission is forthcoming? Is the book in the genre of action/adventure or thriller? I guess I'm just curious if this is a one-off scene or if the book will now follow the revenge storyline. If it's the latter, I highly recommend that you read Tom Clancy's _Without Remorse_, which I think is one of the best revenge novels ever written. 

Good luck with it.


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## Stanmiller (Feb 7, 2011)

Agree with SamW on the characterization.  Good stuff.

But (you knew that was coming, right?) your fight seems detached.  In a brawl, with the adrenalin dump, event happen with sort of stop-action slow motion.  That's best shown with short, high-impact sentences.  You do start using that style right before Jeff gets shot.  You need to use from the start of the fight.

Another thing that took me out of the scene was the fact that after the first shot, the gangbangers were still around.  I realize you need to kill the character to set up the rest of the book, but it would be more realistic if the guy gets killed with the first or second shot, then the gang melts away into the night (usual gang/mugging behavior).  

After all, there's cops just around the corner working the accident, right? 

Hope this helps,
Stan


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## Eicca (Feb 7, 2011)

Thanks for all the suggestions!

Two answer both sets of questions, this will _sort of_ be a revenge thriller. This death scene does play a key part in setting up the plot, but Jeff's goals later in the book will be evading the government after he's set up for the murder of the Secretary of State and defusing a terrorist plot that will spell the end of the East Coast. But yes, the vengeance of his brother will come along in there somewhere.

And the question as to why the gang didn't scatter, (I hate to reveal too much) but basically the gang members are in disguise and actually part of a terrorist organization that Justin stole a memory card full of information from during his final mission in the Middle East, and they want their chip back. That's why they persisted after the first gunshot went off.

Again, thanks for the input! It really helps to know what holes I've already planned to fill and which ones I've overlooked.


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## Stanmiller (Feb 7, 2011)

E,
That'll work, then. Good luck with it.
Stan


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## The Blue Pencil (Feb 7, 2011)

This is impressive, especially for your first action scene. 
I was nervous at the sight of the gangsters, pumped with adrenaline when they were fighting, and distraught when Justin was killed. You were capable of bringing out emotion in your readers.That's huge.  I can't find any grammatical mistakes besides mangles instead of mangled as Sam W. already pointed out.
I felt a bit lost at some points, unsure what was happening to Jeff, or was it Justin? But that's not too bad since action scenes are usually a bit confusing-even in movies.
Oh, and I like your plot about the terrorists and stolen memory cards. Very witty and original!
It would be great if you continued to post more of this story-it's pretty awesome.


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## alanmt (Feb 7, 2011)

Good start. But I think it needs a little work. here are some questions that come to my mind when reading it:

1. Why don't they help at the crash scene? I think the answer is that the crash occurred early enough before so that it is under law enforcement control, but that is not obvious from the part we read.

2. Where did these guys come from? They seem to materialize out of the air, which is unsatisfactory. Did the two in front enter the alley from the street? Did they step out of an alcove? Where were the two behind hiding? In a high adrenaline about-to-start confrontation, looking for where the enemy comes from is a fairly critical part of a trained soldier's evaluation of the situation and the enemy. Did the fifth guy come from forward or behind? Why wasn't he there to start with? After reading above that this was a planned ambush by people posing as a street gang, I wondered how it was put into effect so quickly. It would stretch my credulity for the enemy to know that the brothers would be walking on this street, and would choose this alley, even if the crash was a set-up.

3. What do these attackers look like? They don't need detailed descriptions, but simple tags like "The bearded one", the muscly one", "the guy in the mountain dew tshirt" will distinguish the rabble from the leader, which helps the reader to follow the combat.

4. A little more description would be nice, although Jeff is sidelined for most of the combat, which makes the lack of detail make sense. Jeff seems pretty wimpy compared to his brother.

5. How do all 5 get away, including the unconscious one and the first two Jeff dropped? Doesn't seem plausible, given the charging in of the police. 2 on 5 brawls are difficult, but Justin at least ought to have known that taking the extra second or two to make sure a down opponent stayed down is critical to gaining the upper hand. 

6. I am not sure why there was a serial pulling of guns, instead of consecutively? Once I had confronted two dangerous opponents, I would want all my party's deadly weaponry targeting them.

You may have good answers to all these questions. Just take a few more words to get them in the story.

Also, please drop the last line. Too cliche. And it seems out of place.

This has promise, Eicca. I hope you show us some more.


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## Eicca (Feb 7, 2011)

Specifically in reply to alanmt:

1. I only posted the last portion of the chapter to keep it short and relevant. In the parts not given they do happen upon the wreck after its occurrence and the police are already within seconds of the scene, so they chose to find a shortcut. Specifically, Justin says "Let's go; there's nothing we can do to help here."

2. In the aforementioned not-included part of the chapter, right after they come out of the restaurant after breakfast I threw in a line that I was actually unsure about but now I think I want to keep. It's just one small line but hopefully enough to tease the reader into his own conclusions: "Neither noticed the black BMW that sat not a hundred feet away, shaded eyes watching them from behind tinted glass."

3-6. Excellent points that I will be putting into effect. Thanks. Although Jeff _is_ meant to seem a little weak at this part; he's fresh out of military training and a little troubled by memories that New York has made him relive (You'll have to read my first two chapters to understand this  )

Keep the comments rolling! I really appreciate it!


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## Stanmiller (Feb 8, 2011)

> 2. In the aforementioned not-included part of the chapter, right after they come out of the restaurant after breakfast I threw in a line that I was actually unsure about but now I think I want to keep. It's just one small line but hopefully enough to tease the reader into his own conclusions: "Neither noticed the black BMW that sat not a hundred feet away, shaded eyes watching them from behind tinted glass."



Ahhh...that's not going to work.  Soldiers that have been in combat scan the environment for threats constantly, no matter where they are.  Their training and experience takes over, so it's an automatic process.  IMO, it's not reasonable your MC didn't notice a car there.  He may have seen it and dismissed it.  But he _would _have seen it.

Stan


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## Eicca (Feb 8, 2011)

Stanmiller said:


> Ahhh...that's not going to work.  Soldiers that have been in combat scan the environment for threats constantly, no matter where they are.  Their training and experience takes over, so it's an automatic process.  IMO, it's not reasonable your MC didn't notice a car there.  He may have seen it and dismissed it.  But he _would _have seen it.
> 
> Stan



Ooh. You bring up a fantastic point.

What if, later in the story as the incident is being reviewed it is brought up that it's a little bit suspicious that the brothers didn't see them trailing them? That implies heavily that they were more than just a street gang. This would be done in a legit way, never fear.

Thanks for pointing that out!


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## Stanmiller (Feb 8, 2011)

> What if, later in the story as the incident is being reviewed it is brought up that it's a little bit suspicious that the brothers didn't see them trailing them? That implies heavily that they were more than just a street gang. This would be done in a legit way, never fear.



That will work, and give a nice hint of bad things to come.  That'll help keep the tension ramped up.
Stan


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## Eicca (Feb 8, 2011)

Stanmiller said:


> That will work, and give a nice hint of bad things to come.  That'll help keep the tension ramped up.
> Stan


 
Excellent. Then that is what I shall do.


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## Jon Prosser (Feb 28, 2011)

very impressive for your first piece of action writing, i find that harnessing sudden events and quick movements can be very difficult and you have done a very good job of it, so well done  pretty much all of my suggestions have been said already, define the characters more clearly, and add more description just to bulk it out a bit. i personally found it slightly confusing to have the two brothers names both beginning with J, simply because when a fast action sequence is happening, automatically your audience will also read quicker, skimming over certain words assuming words. i found that when i was doing this, i kept getting the brothers mixed up. this is quite likely more because it is an extract though, if i were to read the rest of your work so far i'd know the characters better. still something to consider though  
the only real suggestion i have is that you be extremely careful with your writing, especially in this genre, to avoid cliches. in particular subjects, love and death being the majors, it is extremely difficult to avoid cliches. this applies to every piece of work you do: try your hardest to imagine you are the characters, you are in that situation, any past experiences that you can draw from and try to be as real as you can. for example take in the element of shock, Jeff may go mental and start looking to take down the people that killed his brother, but more likely would be that he would go into shock and horror, or would be sick to his stomach. 
also, during fights, remember you are the character. you've done well to portray the chaos and adrenaline, and it would add to the depth if you portrayed more of the pain using vivid description. a good way to do this is using hard letters to portray force, fractured sentences and just place yourself in the moment, go with the adrenaline and just type. review it all afterwards, just remember, you are the character!  
keep it up!


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## outoftheblue (Mar 1, 2011)

I do like your general style - There are some passages you can work on so they flow a little better, but overall I think you have something solid to work from. At the end of the day, to edit something you need something written down in the first place. And that's what you have.

I especially liked this line:  "Justin gave him a look so dirty it could have stained crude oil" - It paints a vivid image without sounding cheesy (as sometimes can be the case), and was very Chandler-esque.


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