# Places In the Heart



## calbab (May 13, 2018)

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[/FONT]
Places in the Heart 

[FONT=&Verdana]This house is new and improved
others are old and well-worn.
They cast long shadows and trails
of reputations long gone.

We were up, in, through, out
happy cadets lining the walls.
We were cords, medals, hats
detailed in service for all.

Established statuesque venues
great creaking closing doors;
those players ne'er work again,
pay 'em off our floors!

Where we stood—you stand,
we weathered what you caress.
Don't worry! It's nature’s way
—grab life, shake out success.

Remember me some morning.
Think of me in a song.
Keep your hold on me
after you rise in the sun.

Calbab © 2018[/FONT]​ __ ​__[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]​​ *The Winner!!! 
My New Poem!
*Special thanks to all sharing a proposal poem.


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## andrewclunn (May 13, 2018)

If there's any stanza to cheat on your rhyming scheme, it's not the first one.  Get rid of the and in "grab life and shake out success"  I honestly like every stanza except for the first.  It's not bad, but as an opening it doesn't establish things clearly.


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## calbab (May 13, 2018)

andrewclunn said:


> If there's any stanza to cheat on your rhyming scheme, it's not the first one.  Get rid of the and in "grab life and shake out success"  I honestly like every stanza except for the first.  It's not bad, but as an opening it doesn't establish things clearly.


Hello andrewclunn! What I am trying to do in the first line of the first stanza is indicate a destination with "spot" in keeping with the theme (places). Any appropriate word can be tested. 
I honestly appreciate your suggestion to omit, "and" in the forth stanza! It looks cleaner. Good advice!


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## andrewclunn (May 13, 2018)

Ah.  I read it as age spots.  Don't know if I'm an outlier or if you may want to change the wording.


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## calbab (May 13, 2018)

I can see that confusion and wonder if it adds to 'mystery.' On the other-hand, it is definitely troublesome for designation. ("Spot" is another word for place.) Any word suggestion there?


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## andrewclunn (May 13, 2018)

Homes, getaways, memories, spaces, or places.  I can see reasons for and against each.


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## calbab (May 13, 2018)

I am going to try the word, "dwellings" there for now. Tell me what you think of it. You are a big help indeed, Andrew! If you have any more words for that 'rough' spot, no pun intended, let me know, please.


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## calbab (May 20, 2018)

What do you think of this poem,today?


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## jenthepen (May 21, 2018)

Hi, calbab. I've been to this thread so many times and read your poem on each visit. I'm not sure I have understood it perfectly but it has the feel of a veteran reminiscing about foreign battlegrounds and speaking to the new generation that he helped to free. Of course, it could have a metaphorical meaning too. 

I've found it fascinating to think about this poem and try to see through the words. I believe that poems often work from the reader's own perspective, often completely differently from the poet's intent, so I'm happy that this one worked perfectly for me from that viewpoint. 

I may be miles away but because of my understanding of your poem, I wonder if 'heritage' or 'origins' might fit better than 'dwelling' as it feels to me that the narrator is comparing his birthplace to the ancient regions of his service. 

Anyway, bottom line - I enjoyed reading and thinking about this poem a lot.

jen


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## calbab (May 22, 2018)

Hi Jen and everybody!

I am stuck on the second word of this thing! What 'Places in the Heart' is attempting to do is trace memories of *buildings and people* in a life of good times. The first stanza wants to juxtapose recent years of my life experiences which are still 'cycling' through, with a set of past many years which are rich and substantially completed - for I spent those years in an amazing locale with some incredible people.

The second word in the *first stanza* need to convey where I am right this moment as in a 'development' stage: Surrounding, space, dwelling, locale, establishment, et cetera  . . . . My 'soul' for the right word! (Smile.)


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## jenthepen (May 22, 2018)

Ah, got it! Maybe the problem that's stopping you from finding the perfect word is that you are attempting to tweak what you already have, when a complete rethink and rewrite of the first line (or two) might open up more possibilities to get closer to the meaning you seek and allow more freedom of thought. I don't know if it will work but it's something I do when I get stuck this way. 

I think, once you come up with exactly what you are looking for, it will clarify the whole poem and lift it up to a new level. I'll keep watching your edits and I'm excited to see how this develops.


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## calbab (May 23, 2018)

Okay! I will give it a go, then. First stanza rewrite up coming! Let me think on this. . . .  (Smile.)


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## calbab (May 23, 2018)

How do I get rid of and "refresh" a poll?


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## andrewclunn (May 24, 2018)

That I don't know.


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## calbab (May 24, 2018)

My newest upgrade. Taking the advice from Pen. Please tell me what you think.


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## jenthepen (May 25, 2018)

First of all, calbab, can I just say that it's better to post your revision under the original so that everyone can see the changes that have been made. It makes it easier to critique the changes, and judge how effective they are, when the chance to compare the two versions is given.

It's easier for me because I've already studied your poem and know where you have made changes. I also have the advantage of knowing what you are trying to express because you explained what you are aiming for on the previous page (but not everyone reads the whole thread before commenting, so would have less idea of how to help).

I think the new opening is getting much closer to your meaning and I like the metaphor of the house. Though, without knowing where you were heading with this, I think I would have assumed that the second line was referring to the houses of other people, rather than being about your earlier experiences. Somehow you have to set the scene of the changes that you have lived through and the influence that all the experiences have had. I can't help thinking that this idea of the journey of experience and memories is so fundamental to this poem that it will probably take more than two lines to express.

I hope others will join in and give their opinion and advice but, meanwhile, I hope this 'reader's view' is helpful.

jen


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## calbab (May 30, 2018)

I really like the improvements in the _third _edition. What do you all think about the subtle changes and the 'end' result? Pen, you are correct I do need better transitioning between stanzas. I will chalk it up to being new to writing poetry, so I am not sure of how much of myself to give away in a poem. I think it is a process for me. Building, over time. Let me keep working on opening up myself (in stages). 

Thanks for the astute observation. I really did not notice it until you mentioned it. Feedback is so important to fledglings!


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## jenthepen (May 30, 2018)

Yes, I think the third version is really good and those subtle changes in the final stanza feel just right for the message of this poem.

Learning to 'open up' and give free expression to your deepest thoughts and feelings is just about the hardest thing about writing poetry. Most writers are quiet introverts and exposing your emotions can feel so uncomfortable - I know it was for me. Like you say, its a gradual process that takes a bit of time. What I've discovered though, is that a poem, once written, takes on a life of its own and is not so much a reflection of the poet. Realising this can help to banish that self-consciousness and allow us to give our thoughts and emotions the freedom they need to produce some good and memorable poetry. Remember, we generally read poetry to find a meaning that will strike a chord, so it makes sense to write from the feeling that you are trying to convey. Sometimes, it is quite surprising and very gratifying to learn that words you have written have connected on a deep emotional level with a reader that you have never met.

That last stanza of this poem has real poetic strength. Did it feel that you were giving up a lot of yourself when you wrote those lines? Usually the best lines come from the deepest places. 


 Anyway, well done with the revision. It works well.


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## calbab (May 31, 2018)

The third line is me giving up from myself. The four stanza "oozed" out of me completely unguarded. I was shocked after I wrote it. Of course, I had to clean it up, no pun intended. 
Wow! What_ just happened_ when I wrote that? (Smile.) I am going to open up real soon.


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## andrewclunn (May 31, 2018)

Genuine fan of the third revision.  I'd table this for two weeks, then come back to it fresh.  Makes it so much easier to see it with cleaner eyes.


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## calbab (Jun 18, 2018)

*I love the 3rd revision and am about to settle and finalize it. Thanks for all your help, Poetry Hill!*


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## nelen (Jul 27, 2018)

Hello Calbab.I interpreted this poem, as the initial shattering of both buildings and people resulting from a bombardment, and the start of the slow business of repair to both.
I want to remove the word established from the first stanza. I feel it is not necessary and it spoils the flow.
This poem really made me thin


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## calbab (Jul 28, 2018)

I am glad this poem made you think. That is really nice. I think you are right, I can lose the word, "established" in the first stanza. It works too!


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