# Dead and Fabulous         (language)



## apple (Feb 8, 2011)

Dead and Fabulous


I’m dead and Mike is holding the gun. I don’t know why I’m able to witness the aftermath of my own murder. It’s not right. It’s eerie. There I am sprawled on the floor, half propped against the bedroom wall. I’m wearing my red dress with the plunging neckline and the silver beading. God, I love that dress. The way it fits makes my waist look so tiny and my boobs look huge. My silver and diamond earrings are really catching the light right now. They actually sparkle against my hair. It’s just the blood spattered against the wall that I hate, and my hair is gooey on one side. That’s where Mike shot me. And my legs are splayed all stupid looking. Oh my God, my tongue is hanging out of my mouth and my eyes are wide open!  I swear, Mike better not leave me like that for all those detectives and forensic people to see. If he does, I’ll just die.

This is so creepy. I don’t feel a thing. It’s like I’m absolutely alive, but I’m not. I mean, I’m standing right here, but there I am, dead on the floor. Murdered. Looking ugly, but well-dressed. Mike is shaking so hard and pacing in circles and, if the word “shit” was a prayer, he’s praying his guts out.  Oh Geez, now he’s vomiting his guts out. He’s barely missing my new Prada slings. It would serve him right if some of it splashes on my body and his DNA, based on dinner and whatever else is in his stomach, was discovered during my autopsy. Do we have capital punishment in California? I can’t remember. We'd better! Bastard! If I was able to re-position my poor lifeless foot into that vomit puddle, I would.

Why did he have to kill me, the coward? I would have given him a divorce. All Mike had to do was present me with a first-class bargaining point. You know, money, and lots of it. I knew all about the affair with his little “Miss Rock My World.” She’s fat and classless as far as I’m concerned. But whatever. He can have her. I don’t care. Tit for tat. Or my great tits for THAT is more like it. Ha. I want to enjoy the benefits of the trade off --lots and lots of his money. I _wanted_ to I enjoy the benefits, I mean.  Dead kinda ruins it.

I continue to forget that I ‘m really, really, actually, dead. Shot in the head, hovering around the bedroom watching Mike sweat and swear. And me, Leonora Collette Smick, once the prettiest little girl in school is now being callously dragged by the foot through puked up DNA, and rolled up inside my expensive white satin bedspread, probably to be thrown in the trunk of the Vette to be taken out and buried in some dark woods where wild animals will dig me up and gnaw on my bones, and worms will… _oh shit_. 

No! Absolutely no! I’m not going to hang around to watch myself becoming something hideous’s dinner.  Anyway, why would I even want to loiter around in a world where nobody would be able to see me and how gorgeous I can look?  Besides, if I can’t shop, then just forget it! 

I’m starting to get really spooked and creeped out right now. Mike is throwing that old rusty pick axe and a shovel in the trunk.  Obviously I’m next. Guess I’m going to be stuffed in there, too, just like in the movies.  I wish there was a back seat in the Vette; at least I’d be more comfortable.  

Okay. So. Where is that beautiful white light that people are supposed to walk into when they die like in _Ghost Whisperer_?  I can’t see it anywhere. And where are all the dead people that are supposed to smile and meet me and escort me into heaven? I can’t see them either. I’m feeling scared and queasy right now, and hot, like I’m burning up with fever. Hot?  Oh Geez.  Oh please God, I go to church on lots of occasions and I always say to everybody that asks me about my relationship with Jesus that your son is actually pretty cute and seems so nice. Good hearted, thoughtful.  I was amazed about what he said in the Bible about turning swine into pearls before they jumped into the ocean.  That must have been how oysters got here and pearls were born.  _I thank you Jesus for making oysters out of pigs. You are so giving and they make beautiful strands._ 
I do believe strongly in him, even though he's not very stylish. That doesn’t make him bad, but he is King of Kings for goodness sakes.  I’m sorry, it just doesn’t make sense. You would think there are shopping malls and cute little boutiques in heaven.  It would be the cherry on top of the cake if there was.  I would fit right in and could help Jesus become more nouveau.

St. Peter.  Mama.  Grandpa. Come get me now. I’m ready to go into the light. Somebody? Point me in the right direction. Hurry please, before I have to watch Mike bury me in that hole; and the worms and coyotes come… and he kisses his Miss Rock My World right in front of me and gives that fat bitch my fabulous diamond and silver earrings.


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## Gumby (Feb 12, 2011)

Sondra, you have such a wicked sense of humor! And I enjoy every bit of it when I read your work.  This reminded me of one of my favorite movies,_ Death Becomes Her, _with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep. Though I know it's not the exact same premise, it has that same twisted dark humor.


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## alanmt (Feb 12, 2011)

OMG! Someone killed Paris Hilton!  

Very well written.


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## apple (Feb 13, 2011)

*Cindy*, thanks for the read.  I had fun with it.  I've never seen that movie but now I'm going to.  I love Meryl Streep.  I _do_ have a dark and dangerous and wicked mind,  whoo ha ha ha.  Oh, excuse me hon, I need to go change my Depends.

*alanmt*  ha ha! poor Paris, and thank you so much for reading and for the nice compliment.

my best,  Sondra


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## Gravehound (Apr 16, 2011)

Wow, I really liked that a lot, especially the part about the swine and the pearls it just reeks of dumb bimbo
lovin it


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## Razzazzika (Apr 19, 2011)

The whole time I was actually thinking about a movie called Over Her Dead Body. Once again, not the same premise. Eva Longoria's death was purely accidental in the movie, but she was contantly haunting her husband to be's future relationship.

Not sure if that's exactly what you had planned for the book, or if, by mentioning ghost whisperer, you planned on something more like that but with a reversed perspective, but so far it's a very enjoyable read with a very enthusiastic main character.


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## ScottFrederick (May 19, 2011)

I'm not a big fan of characters who are 'chick-lit divas', so I'm frankly surprised I enjoyed this.

Your writing is tight and not wasteful with words. You've created a vibrant, lively (pun intended) main character. You've planted questions in your readers' minds to keep us reading. You've basically hit all the marks on what makes good writing good.

Thanks for sharing.


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## Trides (May 19, 2011)

I agree with everyone; this is quite something... :lol:


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## Jinxi (Jun 10, 2011)

Brilliant Sondra!  I would love to see more come from this story!


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## apple (Aug 16, 2011)

Today is August 16 and i just now read the comments from Gravehound down to Jinxi.  I apologize for not responding to your thoughts and wonderful compliments.  Thank you so much.  i enjoyed writing this and I think there may be more to this story, also.  I've been out of the writing loop for a while now.  I miss it.  I miss you all, too.     my best,  Sondra


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## Amnesiac (Oct 17, 2015)

Hahaha... What a fun piece! I enjoyed it! Brava!


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## deang (Oct 20, 2015)

Good beginning, fair pacing, very good imagery, good tone, poor mood, good conflict, very good style, good ending; title does catch the eye. I would not buy it as a humor piece because it did not make me smile. I can't offer much advice for improvement, except maybe a little more metaphor and/or simile. Thanks for sharing this.


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## Aquarius (Nov 9, 2015)

I don't find your story eerie at all. It really could have happened. Someone murdered you and you are now on the other side of the veil of consciousness that separates our two worlds and find yourself looking at the physical body you have left behind, wondering what happened.


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