# 11-05-06 | Scores



## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Here's what you've been waiting for. Thank you to all who judged and all who participated.



Krim - 15, 15, 12, 13, 14 - (13.8)
rboy27 - 18, 12, 14, 16, 16 - (15.2)
Savia - 18, 7, 12, 12, 7 - (11.2)
cacafire - 8, 4, 7, 7, 5 - (6.2)
kagechaos - 2, 6, 9, 7, 9 - (6.6)
Wyndstar - 18.5, 15, 15, 19, 18 - (17.1)
Glfralin - 12, 9, 13, 14, 9 - (11.4)
Quillpen - 8, 2, 9, 9, 7 - (7)
JK Wannabe - 17, 11, 15, 13, 10 - (13.2)
murdershewrote2005 - 16, 13, 11, 17, 14 - (14.2)
Fantasy of You - 19.5, 13, 14, 18, 18 - (16.5)
k3ng - 10, 10, 15, 9, 11 - (11)
Aeris - 11, 6, 12, 14, 9 - (10.4)
mike z. - 18.5, 13, 12, 17, 14 - (14.9)
swift84 - 17, 12, 10, 13, 7 - (11.8)
eggo - 16.5, 17, 14, 15, 19.5 - (16.4)
Itsaboysname - 17, 11, 14, 13, 12 - (13.4)
magitek - 18.5, 10, 13, 14, 10 - (13.1)




Congratulations to...

Wyndstar - 17.1
Fantasy of You - 16.5
Eggo - 16.4


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Chris Miller’s Scores            

*Krim: One-Sided Discussions with Lucifer
Score: 15*

Found the formatting annoying, made the read slow, like speed bumps. Like getting an email w/ hard line breaks. I think this’d work better just formatted as prose. 

Liked the idea of the non-dogma oriented devil. Although some of his traits struck me as a little Judeo-Christian. Found it a little preachy as opposed to speculative. Nice ending. Not funny exactly, but that’s okay.



*Rboy27: The Tortuous Plane Of Torture (And The Tortured Souls Who Live There)
Score: 18*

Really enjoyed the read. Good biblical satire. Funny too. The ending didn’t work for me personally, like a bad joke. The piece is better than that, shouldn’t have to end on a groan. Very smooth read.



*Savia: Instrumental Conditioning Or, Different Solutions to the Same Problem
Score: 18*

The repetition of form was starting to wear. But the ending totally redeemed it. Very open-minded and interesting theme. Heaven and Hell are kind of the same to the creative. The first part seemed to be describing a depression, which I found interesting.



*cacafire :Hell: (610 words)
Score: 8*

Weak opening simile imo. E.g. double use of “thrust” hurt.
feel = fell
Too many typos to list. Also over word count.
Rambling, flat and stereotypic in places, but some decent prose and description too. Kind of confusing, like a bad dream. Sensed some authorial hostility. The ending felt like a punchline, but maybe should've been tacked on sooner so as to stay within the word count.


*kagechaos: My Hell
Score: 2*

No humor, actually the antithesis of humor. No character work. Shrill and egotistical. 



*Wyndstar: Getting it Done
Score: 18.5*

Lots of subtle humor, and more. Like the way the various creative urges and byproducts get all glommed together in the narrative. It’s like a clear small window onto a larger scene that’s out of view. Very nicely shows this frenetic distracted creative woman’s nuts life. The ending was a bit cliché, and not needed to make the theme clear or to qualify the story. Some punctuation “issues.” Very nice specifics and descriptions. E.g. the Pepto-Bismol pink. 



*Glfralin: Satan What Are You Doing Now?
Score: 12*

A little too punny for me. Also too much word repetition for such a short piece, and kind of mired in Biblical cliché. Preachy too. The writing was okay though. Maybe just a case of judge bias.



*Quillpen: The maze of annoyance
Score: 8*

Writer’s block is a form of torture. This is short and yet rife with errors. Almost like you typed it in on the fly. Childish quality which may or may not have been intentional.



*JK Wannabe: Am I dead?
Score 17*

Pretty funny, especially the ending. I liked her voice. Took a couple reads to catch on that she, an innocent bystander, was the narrator and not the psycho who shot the cheerleaders (and her). I though it was he all pompommed up doing “slutty” cheers… which was funny too. Great as far as it went. Had room to broaden it and develop her character more. Just because the “rules” said it was supposed to be funny, a lot seemed to think it was supposed to be a joke, as in have minimal description or character development.



*murdershewrote2005: A letter Home
Score: 16*

“laying” = lying around
“bomb fire” = bonfire

A little fan-fic-y. Never thought of hookers as nymphos, more the opposite. Although I enjoyed its sexiness, it did not feel honest or natural. Little heavy on the stereotypes. Strong voice though.



*Fantasy of You: Creative Writing 101 666
Score: 19.5*

That was hilarious. Yeah, I know, judge bias, satirizing a creative writing class and all, but I just thought it was hilarious. Nice parodies of bad writing. Very perceptive and probably true-to-life too. Liked the 1st person POV, how he/she kept (mostly) emotionally detached, except when snapping. Nice “lesbian breasts” motif. Maybe a little heavy on the drooping eyelids? I also really liked the ending, how you show rather than tell that this is hell. Gonna read it again, just for fun.



*k3ng: (112 – I think)
Score: 10*

Funny idea, but not enough there to carry it beyond the one idea. More of a mildly cliché gag.

What it the world?! = What in the world!?



*Aeris: Empty
Score: 11*

“This is little boring.” = This is a little boring.
“its not there” = “it’s not there”

No, those are typos and not my comments, although they almost could be.

You describe boring in a way that for me was kind of boring, which is funny I suppose. Again though, like so many, it seems more of a gag or a sketch of an idea. Too many words just to say, hell is boring. Used less than half the allotted words. Many seemed to want to cut this one short.



*mike z.: Hell after a fashion
Score: 18.5*

I like that you went after it with this. You didn’t just rely on a toothy blowjob for your gag but built some real characters and a story around it. Enjoyed the “writerly” themes throughout. Found it pretty witty, although a bit elliptical at times. Nice work.



*Swift84: I am blind
Score: 17*

Pretty skilful and funny. Especially liked the bit about D. Trump. Very droll I’d say. Just needed to be more. Seemed to end a bit shrill and prematurely.



*eggo: Bus Stop at Purgatory
Score: 16.5*

I enjoyed the read. Lots of jokes. Coughed up a point for using my handle too, always great to see your name in lights. But except for the well worn notion that we judge ourselves, I found it pretty much a series of running quips, sort of a stream of cheesy gags (groaners) looking for a story or theme to hold them all together, especially the ending. Funny, I was thinking that this LM should’ve been judged blind. I mean the judges’d be aloud to keep their eyes open and everything, just not know who wrote what… somehow. But I think I’d have recognized everyone I know here’s style. Especially this piece, even without the “Pete.” A Classic eggo. Be worth a fortune someday I predict.



*Itsaboysname: Seven Minutes In:
Score: 17*

Minor problems w/ quote tag punctuation:
“Bye Grim.” Answered an old woman’s voice.
“Welcome.” Said Gloria.

Started out pretty flat, but then redeemed itself and seemed to find its voice and meaning for me, and became interesting. I especially liked the theme that hell is waiting for judgment. I liked the handling of the conversation with the melancholy girl especially—darkly funny.



*Magitek Angel: Hell/noHell
Score: 18.5*

Could be my Americanized ear, but too many “rather”s.

Started out kind of slow, but the surety of the voice held my attention. It threw me that the narrator had such a colloquial voice and then turned into a “god” or “devil” of some sort. But maybe in a good way. I like the way it blew out into a sci fi without changing gears or cheating. All very well foreshadowed. Funny? Maybe darkly so. Strong ending. Nice job.


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

TsuTseQ’s Scores

I would like to congratulate everyone who made this particular LM a living hell to judge, and I would like to thank all the angels who gave me brief reprieves from this nightmare. I awarded zero on effect to any piece that didn't even elicit a smile from me.

Krim 
_One-Sided Discussions with Lucifer_

These lines

[quote = *Krim]*
_“Humans sometimes expose themselves to the corrosive religions.” His voice is high as a whistle.
“They cut themselves with Occam’s razor; they eat with Hume’s Fork; drink blackberry Merlot.[/quote]_


actually made me laugh out loud. Blackberry Merlot is indeed a sin. The first line didn't capture me entirely, but the ending did make me smile somewhat. Over all, this was a strong piece.
Spelling & Grammar
4/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
7/10

rboy27
_The Tortuous Plane of Torture (And The Tortured Souls Who Live There)_

The conversational tone of the opening, after the quote from Genesis, appealed to me, but also confirmed that this was a long lead-in to a predictable end. I've heard this joke before. Why do you guys always pick on Jersey?
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
5/10

Savia
_Instrumental Conditioning, or, Different Solutions to the Same Problem_

Umm, humour was to be the objective. A big goose egg on effect for not reading the instructions properly. Otherwise, a fair piece of writing.
Spelling & Grammar
4/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
0/10

Cacafire
_:HELL:_

No laughing from me. Not even a smile. No temptation even to smile. In fact, I was somewhat offended, but there are no negative points in LM.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
1/5
Effect
0/10

Kagechaos
_My Hell_

Apparently, I have no soul, and I don't suppose I have humour today either. Is it just me?
Spelling & Grammar
4/5
Tone & Voice
2/5
Effect
0/10 

Wyndstar
_Getting it Done_

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this and relieving the temporary humourless hell I found myself in while judging LM entries. It made me smile. You certainly re-created a hectic and hellish day, and it amused me you didn't tell Daddy about the notebook.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
8/10

Glfralin
_Satan What Are You Doing Now?_

Cute
Spelling & Grammar
2/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
4/10

Quill Pen
_The Maze of Annoyance_

Did you take time either to look at the instructions, or to write this?
Spelling & Grammar
1/5
Tone & Voice
1/5
Effect
0/10

JK Wannabe
Untitled

Yay for actually making an effort. I hate cheerleaders too, but are they hell or is it listening to the whining narrator?
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
5/10

murdershewrote2005
_A Letter Home_

No chocolate? That certainly is hell. Kudos for the original format.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
7/10

Fantasy of You
_Creative Writing 101 666_

I can relate. I have been judging this LM, after all.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
6/10

k3ng
Untitled

I've been there, I know the feeling. The striped pajamas made me smile, if slightly, because of the weird image it created in my head: a kind of American Gothic goes to Supermax thing.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
2/5
Effect
5/10

Aeris
_Empty_

Didn't make me laugh, but it was a solid piece.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
0/10

mike z.
_Hell, after a fashion_

The images are a bit convoluted and you get lost in them. Nonetheless, you have style and it amused me. I always enjoyed bitter humour.
Spelling & Grammar
4/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
6/10

Swift84
Untitled

While I appreciated the ironic description of Donald Trump, profanity it and of itself, is not actually funny.
Spelling & Grammar
4/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
4/10

eggo
_Bus Stop at Purgatory_

Let's be honest – you answered D, didn't you? That's the only way to explain the Teletubbies. They have no livers, did you know?
Spelling & Grammar
5/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
8/10

Itsaboysname
_Seven Minutes In _

Cute.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
3/5
Effect
5/10

Magitek Angel
_Hell/No Hell_

Eternal life would be hell, but this just didn't really tickle my “life's like that” funny bone. Otherwise solid.
Spelling & Grammar
3/5
Tone & Voice
4/5
Effect
3/10


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Journyman’s Scores

Krim - _One-Sided Discussions with Lucifer_
_I could have done without the quote at the start. Knowing even the author thinks the work is wordy & full of unnecessary description kinda puts me off it before I start. _
_Also, I like my poetry stripped to the minimum._
_Um… it didn’t seem funny – my impression was of end-of-world weariness & maybe cynicism, not humour._
_I think you could or should have gone closer to the limit so as to allow room to bring some flow into this; it chops from one thing to another with few connections, the devil swaps from ‘we are heliocentric’ to talking about humans in 3rd person – I don’t get the ‘we’ bit. I finish not knowing who the narrator is. It detracts & leaves me unable to relate to him._
_For me this reads more like an excerpt from something else rather than a standalone work._

_12/20_



rboy27 - The Tortuous Plane Of Torture (And The Tortured Souls Who Live There)

_In spite of it’s resemblance to an old joke making it predictable, this is OK. It needs work to tighten it up in place; the description of the water for example is overkill – the parts about steelcap boots & small animals should be re-worked to be more realistic descriptions using language to make you think the water is undrinkable rather than using plain words to give an over-the-top description. _
_The humour would be better if the descriptions _seem _like it is deadly to all but when you get to the tag you find yourself nodding & admiring how you got conned into thinking so. My reaction at the end was more that I’d been lied to._

_14/20_



Savia - Instrumental Conditioning Or, Different Solutions to the Same Problem


_OK… a decent definition of a Hell… but I don’t see a story & I don’t get a smile or laugh from it. You’ve put together a list of Hell & then pointed out Heaven is the same; while it fits with the title it doesn’t seem to apply itself to the LM subject in that it is supposed to generate humour._

_12/20_



cacafire ~ :HELL:


_Sorry but not funny, too long, needs proofing (even MS Word picks up the errors, so it wouldn’t have been too hard to do before posting) & seems to jump around in ideas rather than presenting a clear flow of a story. The imagery is suspect & for me the emphasis is wrong in parts. _
_Case in point is _


> Turning around, he thrust his fist into Lucy's gut. Her knees buckled, and she feel to the dewy grass, clutching her insides. It wasn't enough to wipe the grin off her face, though, and she smiled as Malkovitch stormed away from the grave. "Johnny, my friend, is in hell." Lucy raised her head to the grey sky and gave a screeching cackle. She fell to the ground, rolling in the dirt as she laughed and laughed at poor Johhny's misfortune, until her usually clean clothes were covered in mud and filth. Then she stood up and walked away


_’he thrust his fist’ seems a tame way to say he punched her. Then she falls & clutches her insides, bringing a vision of hands reaching inside her body holding intestines. Then she’s grinning & cackling about Johnny being in Hell (at least I think it is her saying ‘Johnny, my friend, is in hell’) & we’re given nothing to explain why she’s laughing about ‘poor Johnny’ & later in the story she doesn’t know why he is in Hell._
_And sorry, but I don’t get the punchline about a Catholic Priest – surely a punchline should bring together all the odd bits of the story?_

_Note: points deducted for being way too long; if it was 20 words or so over I wouldn’t have worried, but 20% longer is just ignoring the restriction._

_7/20_



Kagechaos ~ _My Hell_

_Apart from being a bit puzzled as to how an empty room surrounds him I guess I have no soul. More info needed so I can understand why an empty room would be hell for him or anyone. _

_9/20_



Wyndstar ~ Getting It Done


_This got a wry smile – I think maybe I have too much empathy to find it laughingly funny. And I have this horrible feeling you’re describing a real day… Do you _really _call your husband ‘Daddy?’ _
_There are a few hiccups for me, which may be a nationality issue (eg. I have no idea what pepto pink is) & Picasso-pink came a bit too soon after pepto-pink to be effective, but it truly sounds like Hell. _
_The sudden change of style for the last section was a bit strange for me, almost as if it wasn’t part of the story; I’d have preferred it in the same style as the rest._
_As an aside, I’d like to have seen some of the versions mentioned in the story._

_15/20_



Glfralin ~ Satan What Are You Doing Now?

_Well, I am not holding my sides but I can see the humour in it; it seems Hell is Hell for Satan as well as those who join him. Actually it gets me feeling a little sorry for him; poor bugger can’t seem to do anything right._
_This would have benefited from some proofing. The punctuation is awry & different voices should be on separate lines; it makes things clearer & fits the traditions we have all gotten used to._

_13/20_



Quillpen – The maze of Annoyance

_I like the double entendre here; the title describes what it was like to read this. It is normal to put a space after a period. Whether it is pillsberry or pillsburry, I don’t know what it is. The sentences lack structure & don’t seem to make much sense for me._
_ She gets her writing book stolen but somehow gets writers block which would imply she is trying to write in something, and the fact she gets it stolen ‘every now & then’ would imply she somehow gets it back._
_Why does she stop before the corners? What is the torture she goes through? Is the writer’s block also a torture? What warm fuzzy thing?_

_9/20_



JK_Wannabee ~ WORD COUNT: 163


_*grins* And so just desserts come to all prejudiced types… LOL_
_Short & succinct, brought a grin & would be a hell for one such as you describe. Even the layout isn’t too bad – kind of gives the effect of random thoughts popping into her(?) mind; the dead slowly coming around & observations sparking thoughts._

_15/20_



murdershewrote2005 ~ A Letter Home

_One big paragraph – made it a bit hard to read. I guess you could have been trying to present it as it might have been written on the leaf… Are ‘bomb’ fires anything like bonfires? *grins*_
_I found it a bit repetitive on the sex subject and being ‘told’ it is hell took away from the descriptive parts that were ‘showing’ me it is hell. _
_I gather the letter writer was killed by a trick? The part about being horny & dead doesn’t really work. Why would the person who killed the writer be getting hopes up? Why does being dead bring an ‘even so’ comment? It makes it seem like being dead would normally bring a likelihood of sex… What does the money owed have to do with anything? Why would the writer think it was heaven?_

_11/20_



Fantasy of you ~ Creative Writing 101 666


_This would appear to be a hell alright, but I seem to have missed something if the Lucifer reference is to the Lucifer from Hell._
_I don’t find humour in this; while as painful as Hell, and the supposed poetry reminds me of the Hell that comes from modern ‘arty’ poems (the ones with poor prose with random irrelevant line breaks) it brought neither grin nor the kind of moan a good pun brings._
_But well put together & held a consistent voice throughout._

_14/20_



k3ng ~ (112 - I think)


_OK, now _that _got a grin. And now you’re stuck there till the clock strikes one… or forever, whichever comes first… You must have really hated history…?_

_15/20_



Aeris ~ Empty

_While this may be hell, it is missing the humour that was meant to be part of it. As it stands it is more a simple descriptive of what you think could be a hell; it needs a point, a story (hopefully funny) to engage the reader._
_When – its - is used as you have here, it is a contracted version of - it is - and should be written as - it’s._

_12/20_



mike z ~ Hell_after a fashion_ 


_This would be a bad dream type of Hell. I’m a bit lost by his sudden change from the smartass initial comment to the craven poet who cringes & gives in; they seem like two different people. I’d think the person who could come up with the initial quip& be casual enough to say ‘pull in your feet’ would perform better under pressure than he does._
_Also, there’s an implication that if he was the spanker of Charlotte, he would have been Dominant._
_So I am left with a bit of an unconvincing character in the writer._

_12/20_



_swift84 ~ _I am blind.

_Sorry but this left me a bit flat. The punchline just doesn’t seem funny to me. I don’t get why Robert would have thought in the first place that Daredevil would somehow be a solution or why a fart would make the writer puzzled. The list of adjectives goes long enough to be overkill and detracts from the effect of having the list._

_10/20_



Eggo ~ "Bus Stop at Purgatory"


_A couple of proofing errors but overall a good read. Not sure about the ‘honestly & dishonestly’ comment and for me the story is a bit flat because I am only vaguely aware of what teletubbies are – I’m presuming they are highly annoying childrens show characters from TV?_

_14/20_



Itsaboysname ~ Seven Minutes In


_Ah, the hell of not even realising you’re in hell already… So, the writer would be the nit-picking nerd type? *grins*_
_Let down slightly by the last paragraph. You need a better way to show that time is passing & still it goes on with the group creating their own hell._

_14/20_



Magitek Angel ~ Hell/noHell


_Nice story… but I don’t quite see how it is hell. Except for the slightly wistful ‘I’m getting a bit lonely’ comment, there seems nothing to indicate his survival is in any way a burden or painful._
_And there seems to be someone talking to him, asking the questions – wouldn’t have minded a bit of explanation about that._
_I’m not sure I see where the chuckle at human nature comes into it._
_But it’s certainly an interesting view – perhaps he IS God & just forgot it? That would make it a Hell for God – imagine living for eternity & not knowing it was yours to begin with?_

_13/20 _


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Hawke’s Scores

*Note: *Before I begin, I’d just like to thank SW for running the LM and everyone who entered. As always, the diversity and high caliber made judging very difficult. Well done, all! Secondly, just a reminder that the following comments and scores are, at best, _only my opinion_. And lastly, at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum, I’ll just say here that I caught glitches which can be easily fixed in just about everyone’s story. (Yes, I’m just that way.) 

Right. Let‘s get to it…


*
One-Sided Discussions with Lucifer
By Krim

Comments: *Interesting take. Sadly, it seems this is a case of the small word count having an impact on the story, making it hard to give the reader (me) enough to feel for the character or situation. Can’t help wondering how it might have read with the full 500 words. Also, could have used a little format restructuring. Thank you. 

Score: 13/20

*___________

The Tortuous Plane Of Torture (And The Tortured Souls Who Live There)
By rboy27

Comments: *This one made me laugh. And there I was, thinking that nothing could survive in such a harsh environment. Glad you proved me wrong. Good job. Thank you. 

Score: 16/20
*___________

Instrumental Conditioning
Or, Different Solutions to the Same Problem*
*By Savia*

*Comments: *This was kind of point by point list more than a story, per se. Still, it was a thinker and different but interesting take. Thank you.

Score: 12/20
*___________

:HELL:
By Cacafire*

*Comments: *I have to admit that I didn’t get it, even after two run-throughs. Of course, it could be me. Terribly sorry. Had the feel of being an excerpt from something larger. I caught some glitches (Johhny and Johnny, feel = fell, athiest = atheist, ponted = pointed, flurry screeching - didn’t read right; capitalization glitches such as lucy = Lucy, battlestar galactica = Battlestar Galactica). Also, had to deduct for going over the word count (610). Thank you. 

Score: 7/20
*___________

My Hell
By kagechaos

Comments: *I suppose one can assume a lot here. Like perhaps the main char (you?) came _from _hell, or the empty room (no computer, no paper, no people, forever) _is_ hell, with the sign labeling it so. It’s just that there isn’t enough to know either, including the character, the reason, the emotion behind it, etc. Thank you. 

*Score: *7/20
___________

*Getting It Done*
*By Wyndstar*

*Comments: *No one says you have to die to go to hell. As a matter of fact, I was tempted to put the lone word “Here” as _my_ version of hell, but I thought that might be a little vague. (lol) Anyway, back to the comments. It was hilarious. Laughed even harder with the mention of the sexy lingerie drawer. Excellent and entertaining. Thank you.

Score: 19/20
___________

*Satan What Are You Doing Now?*
*By Glfralin*
*
Comments: *Short, sweet, cute and funny too. About the only thing that detracted a little was the structure. Good job. Thank you. 

Score: 14/20
___________

*The maze of annoyance
By Quillpen

Comments: *Caught a few glitches ( a space or two between the period and the next sentence, a space between the comma and the next word, as well as a word or two missing, switch between pillsberry and pillsburry) but nothing that can’t be easily fixed. Different. Could have used more something to engage the reader. Thank you. 

*Score: *9/20
___________

*Untitled*
*By JK Wannabe*

*Comments: *This was cute. One point deduction for lack of title. One bonus point for the ‘cheerleaders go to hell’ idea! (Oh now, calm down all of you cheerleader-types. I’m only kidding. Sorta.) Good job. Thank you. 

Score: 13/20
*___________

A Letter Home
By mudershewrote2005

Comments: *About the only thing you missed to make it _my_ version of hell was no coffee. But anyway… I really liked this. The line “Pure, 100%, "you look good in pink, brother", gay” cracked me up. Good job. Thank you. 

Score: 17/20
*___________

Creative Writing 101 666*
*By Fantasy of You*
*
Comments: *I remember you mentioning something like this on a post once, am I right? Never happened to me (thank God). Then again, I’m not much of a joiner. I really liked this. Damn funny. Good job. Thank you. 

Score: 18/20
*___________

"History Class ends when the clock strikes one!"
By k3ng

Comments: *I’ve had days like that. Today, for example. Would have liked to have seen more to engage the reader, etc. A quibble: you put numbers and then wrote out a number (“Looking carefully, a number 13 has squeezed itself between 12 and 1. And then a 14 appears. And a fifteen”). Suggest to write out all numbers except the time. Thank you. 

Score: 9/20
___________

*Empty*
*By Aeris*
*
Comments: *Being alone with nothing at all to do for eternity seems to be a lot of people’s version of hell, mine included. Some tiny glitches (a few its = it’s). Good job. Thank you.

Score: 14/20
*___________

Hellafter a fashion*
*By mike z.

Comments: *Funny, entertaining, and well done. Thank you. 

Score: 17/20
*___________

Untitiled*
*By Swift84

Comments: *This was cute! A few tiny glitches. Nice job. Thank you.

Score: 13/20
___________

*Bus Stop at Purgatory
By eggo

Comments: *AHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh, sorry. Just the thought of…well, you know. Eesh. The only thing worse (for me) would be the Teletubbies _and _Barney. Bonus point for poking at Chris. (Kidding. Sorta.) Good job. Thank you. 

*Score: *15/20
*___________

Seven Minutes In
By Itsaboysname

Comments: *Cute. Good job. Thank you.

Score: 13/20
*___________

Hell/noHell
By Magitek Angel

Comments: *If there is no one left, I take it he is talking/thinking to himself. (?) Good job. Interesting. Thank you. 

*Score: *14/20


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Silver’s Scores

[an]Thank you so much to all the judges who helped out with such a large LM, and thank you to all who participated.[/an]

*Krim: One-Sided Discussions with Lucifer

*
This one made me chuckle at the end, but I would have like to have been given a stronger impression of the narrator being annoyed or at least daydreaming earlier. I think that would have given it a touch of more humor. I think you focused a lot on fancier language and description when you could have punched up the dialogue and more of the actions of the characters as they’re walking along. With this piece, I think you could have done a lot of expanding, given the number of words you didn’t use. There were minor mistakes, but nothing a thorough proofread wouldn’t take care of and nothing that put me off completely from reading the piece.

*Score: 14*

*Rboy27: The Tortuous Plane Of Torture (And The Tortured Souls Who Live There)

*
This one had me smiling almost right from the beginning. What I call the “yada, yada, yada” tone has been done many times, but you make it work for you. I especially like the line “unbecoming for a deity of His standard.” The ending also made me chuckle, though by the tone I saw something like that coming. Overall, I don’t have much to say other than good job.

*Score: 16*

*Savia: Instrumental Conditioning Or, Different Solutions to the Same Problem

*
Humor is a hard thing to write well, and I can understand a lack of wanting to do so, but it’s still one of the criteria for this LM, so I had to take points off for that. Even as a serious piece, this doesn’t really do it for me. The repetition along with the general tone gave me the impression of someone reading aloud with no natural highs and lows of natural human speech. The piece is interesting, but it could use some work for it to hook in the reader.

*Score: 7*

*cacafire :Hell: (610 words)

*
Hate to say it, but before I even read your piece, I will deduct from your score because you went over the word limit. Way over the limit. However, since I didn’t state it as a disqualifying factor, you’re still in. J I’m not quite sure where to begin. There are quite a few mistakes in both grammar and spelling that it makes me wonder if the proofreading process came into play. Otherwise, the piece is confusing, at least to me, so I couldn’t let go enough as an editor to find any humor in it.

*Score: 5*

*kagechaos: My Hell

*
I actually spent a good amount of time debating the possible meanings for this with another judge, which didn’t bode well for your score. Admittedly, it took me a couple of reads to understand what was going on because it took me that long to realize the sign was behind you, so you were coming from hell instead of stepping into it. I understand the humor in that, but I had spent so much time trying to understand (as well as the time spent discussing the possible meanings of the piece with the other judge) that it took away from any humor or enjoyment. An expanded piece could have helped, I think.

*Score: 9*


*Wyndstar: Getting it Done

*
You had me smiling all through it and I even chuckled at the end. Your voice was clear throughout, and I could have almost sighed when I read that your Sunday was over. I’m not a mother, but I can identify with parts of this being a significant other – especially with the tone in “Poor baby.” Good stuff. The one thing at the end is I’m pretty sure what the last line would sound like coming out of his mouth, but it could be interpreted a couple ways. I know it would be pushing it with the word count, but giving a clue like a body language gesture – raised eyebrow, frown – would have done it better for me, even though ending with a single line of dialogue is definitely a punch.

*Score: 18*

*Glfralin: Satan What Are You Doing Now?

*
I’m afraid this one didn’t do it for me at all for humor and not really in general either. The paragraph structuring definitely needs work. A dialogue alternating between people should have paragraph breaks each time a different person speaks. Not doing so makes it harder to read. That could also be why you missed the quotation marks at the beginning of one of Satan’s replies. I think with some work and expansion you could turn this into quite a nice piece, but as it stands, it evokes little emotion in me.

*Score: 9*

*Quillpen: The maze of annoyance

*
I copy the submissions into Word when I judge so I can double check on word counts, and I have to say this entry stood out for the red on the screen before everything else. At a glance, it looks like you forgot to put in a space after every punctuation mark. There are also extra commas in there that you don’t need at all. This also wasn’t on the mark for humor. However, barring one possibly confusing reference (Pillsbury doughboy) you paint a strong scene of hell. As I said, it strays away from the humor criteria and has quite a few spacing errors, but I’d encourage you to work on this and expand it.

*Score: 7*

*JK Wannabe: Am I dead?*

This has high school written all over it. Admittedly, that’s just the way it goes in high school, but… The fragments and the quick pace of the piece are jarring to me, and I found it hard to slow myself down enough to pay enough attention to do some accurate judging. I like that you’re doing thoughts from the mind of the narrator, but I would have liked more from the outside of his head. Even some more description. As it is, I feel like I’m in the narrators head, but I’m blind and mute, subject completely to the narrator’s rapid stream of consciousness. I think you could do some work on this so I feel less blind and less like I’m on a rollercoaster.

*Score: 10*

*murdershewrote2005: A letter Home

*
Paragraphs are definitely needed. This piece is good enough to keep me reading, but better readability would have helped my overall mood as your reader. There are a couple errors that I noticed on the technical side, but nothing major. I like the originality in putting this in the form of a letter. That sort of relaxed me on a certain level. There are funny parts in this definitely; many made me smile. I like the voice in this definitely. She sounds like one of those people who would complain even if she did end up in heaven. I did expect hell to be a bit more… hellish versus just hanging out in paradise with a lack of sex.

*Score: 14*

*Fantasy of You: Creative Writing 101 666

*
With the exception of a couple spelling mistakes, the piece looks good overall for the technical aspects. I loved the part about the collars and what if they sneeze. I had to laugh because I knew a lot of people back in high school who fancied that fashion statement. However inappropriate it might be, your frequent use of lesbian breast made me laugh because I can easily imagine the narrator sitting in the back of class, grumbling about lesbian breasts. I like this piece all over. You can’t help but laugh at the people who take their lives way too seriously. Hell, indeed. Well done.

*Score: 18*

*k3ng: ~

*
As for the technical side of things, this piece looks good. In the effect category, I didn’t really get into it all that much. True, it is something pretty much any student can identify with, but it seems rather bland, in my opinion. I think some expansion and some playing with other elements could make this more humorous and more hellish. Right now, upon reading it, I’m left feeling just…bland.

*Score: 11*

*Aeris: Empty

*
The first thing that struck me after I finished reading was that you said there was no way of tracking time, followed shortly after by asking if it could have been days. Also, there is no humor present. There were mistakes here and there on the technical side of things (punctuation and grammar) but nothing that detached me completely from the story. I like how you start to work in a panic feeling at the end, but I feel that could have been shown more than told. What do you do when you start to panic? How does your body react? I would have liked to see the panic in action rather than just thought. Also, I think you could have played up the isolation part to put in humor. What kind of odd things do people do when they’re alone?

*Score: 9*

*mike z.: Hell after a fashion

*
This was clever and funny in a fashion. It’s not my usual, but it did make me smirk here and there. I admit I got lost a couple of times and had to go back and pay closer attention to what was going on. All said and done, it’s an interesting take on the theme.

*Score: 14*

*Swift84: I am blind

*
I didn’t like this line - “I could feel and smell his imagination…” – because I think you don’t need to tell that your senses have been heightened. I would think most people know the blind have heightened other senses. If your reader doesn’t, it’s still not absolutely essential for him or her to know, so again you don’t have to tell. I didn’t find this humorous at all, and I think you could have portrayed just as much, if not more, anger at the end by using something other than cursing. I can definitely see how that is a hell, but I feel a bit bad for the narrator and nothing else.

*Score: 7*

*eggo: Bus Stop at Purgatory

*
I love the first line because it reminds me of one of my favorite movies. (Can I think of the name of it? Of course not. But I love the movie.) How the narrator died made me laugh out loud. (You can ask Journyman.) I remember hearing that was a deadly combination over and over when I was a kid. I went on to laugh quite a few times when I was reading. This was very well written, and I loved every bit of it.

*Score: 19.5*

*Itsaboysname: Seven Minutes In

*
The punctuation associated with the dialogue along with capitalization as well is incorrect. There are periods where there should be commas, and there is capitalization where there should be lowercase. I found this somewhat amusing in the narrator’s obvious discomfort. Also in that where they are could possibly be hell in itself. The technical aspects need work, and the humor could use work and polishing. I’d like to see this expanded.

*Score: 12*

*Magitek Angel: Hell/noHell

*
I like the conversational tone of this. Even if I don’t find it particularly funny, I am interested and feel drawn into what you’re saying. The narrator’s voice is consistent enough to keep me reading and enjoying it as well. This would do nicely as a piece out on its own, even if it doesn’t quite fit into what I was aiming for with this LM. I can see how the body fits the title, but given that I was going for an actual hell, that kind of takes away from things. Is immortality hell?

*Score: 10*





[ot] IMPORTANT NOTE: Part of exercising your skill in the LM is to achieve being at or under the imposed word count. That is part of the difficulty and an element that adds to the competition environment. All further LMs conducted by yours truly will now have a disqualification feature for those who go over their word count. The word count WILL NOT include the title, only the body of the piece.

Given the oddities of word programs’ word counting, I can understand one or even five words over, but I feel more than that isn’t just giving some room for oddities. I'd say going ten words over the word count is grounds for being disqualified. As I said, I know people who work quite hard to get to that exact 500 mark.

I have a thought that people might think slamming down on rules this way might make LM a bit less fun or enjoyable, but I do know people who grind away at their submissions to make it under the mark. To have someone come along who is over and only get a few points knocked off (if that) can be a bit disheartening. I only enforce this rule because I feel it’s necessary and will to the LM some good. Thank you.

P.S. Feel free to PM me if you disagree.[/ot]


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## Krim (Nov 26, 2006)

> Others hold forth at open mike poetry slams, wearing black turtlenecks and wrinkled khaki pants; they spout doggerel about "my angry lesbian breasts" and "the tilted alley where I cried my mother's name."
> 
> Writers form themselves into the pyramid we see in all areas of human talent and human creativity. At the bottom are the bad ones. Above them is a group which is slightly smaller but still large and welcoming; these are the competent writers. They may also be found on the staff of your local newspaper, on the racks at your local bookstore, and at poetry readings on Open Mike Night. These are folks who somehow understand that although a lesbian may be angry, her breasts will remain breasts.


 - On Writing, Stephen King. Can't remember the page number, found this on a website

Defamation ftw. Guess a little inspiration on an internet website never hurt. 

Good job everyone.


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## silverwriter (Nov 26, 2006)

Hello Krim. I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say with that, but if you have issue with anything, let someone on the staff know. Or me, if you want, and I can pass it on if necessary.


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## Krim (Nov 26, 2006)

Just saying Fantasy of You's angry lesbian breast joke seemed familiar. Seriously, it's not an  issue, I'm just pointing out the similarity because I'm an arse.


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## eggo (Nov 26, 2006)

Where have all the good, angry, lesbian breasts gone?

Isn't that a Country-western song?

I want to thank all the judges first of all. It really is a ton of work and I appreciate the time and trouble you take to try to be fair and honest.

Thanks for the third. My humor can be quite subjective (ala' three stooges). 

I lost to two great pieces, congrats you two.

The high note of the story is the extra points I scabbed by having Chris drive the bus to hell. 

Beep-beep!


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## Chris Miller (Nov 27, 2006)

Interesting research re FOY’s entry, Krim.  Thanks.  I didn’t find it at all plagiarizing. More of an allusion.  Knowing where he drew it from increases my appreciation of the story.


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## Savia (Nov 27, 2006)

Thanks for the marks- I didn't get the feel from the instructions (which I did read carefully despite what one judge mentioned) that the humour was the main aspect of the story, and moreover I felt on that particular day that the best idea I had for the story was something other than humour, but which I wanted to share anyway.  I guess I should learn to stick to instructions better ^^;

Thanks to all judges and participants.


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## Itsaboysname (Nov 27, 2006)

I have to say Fantasy's and Eggo's stories were my favorites. 

Thanks to all judges and fellow LMers; another splendid time was had.


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## Swift84 (Nov 27, 2006)

Krim's resonated the most.

Thanks to the judgez


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## Krim (Nov 27, 2006)

Meh. Didn't fit the criteria that good. Mine was cynical instead of humorous, really. 

Win some lose some and all that jazz.

Good job to those peoples.



> Interesting research re FOY’s entry, Krim. Thanks. I didn’t find it at all plagiarizing. More of an allusion. Knowing where he drew it from increases my appreciation of the story.


 
Well, people don't call those people running around acting like Dave Chapelle acting like Little John plagiarists.


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## Chris Miller (Nov 28, 2006)

> Well, people don't call those people running around acting like Dave Chapelle acting like Little John plagiarists.


I'm not familiar w/ the characters you specify, but from the tone, I'd guess they call them copycats, or wannabes.  I have never "lost" a competition or been rejected and then NOT been sour grapes, as in pissed off.  And even "real" comps are to a very large extent crapshoots, almost totally subjective and random.  So that you clearly feel a little cheesed and ripped off is a good thing.  It shows your confidence.  And I did re-read your piece.  The formatting killed you a little here, but it's rich with imagery and ideas and could be the most "literary" entry.  I did find reference to Occam's razor on-line in abundance.  Not sure how it relates to your metaphorical usage, but the piece itself is in no danger of cutting itself on it, as in does not try to make things too simple.


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## Wyndstar (Nov 28, 2006)

Oh goody!  I won--er--really?

You probably didn't kick my butt as much as you could have, Pete, because you wrote about teletubbies.  They're horrible, even too horrible for a story about hell.  And--while I have been to YOUR hell, FOY, its still nothing compared to dripping pink walls and children--though yours had all the sharp, burning acerbic one would expect of hell.

I want to thank all the judges, and yes journeyman, that WAS a real day.  And there is actually poetry to go WITH it...
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=67911&highlight=Dis-Honor
and no, not all the versions are up.  I STILL haven't been able to finish it.

And finally, I want to thank Chris for not entering.


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## Krim (Nov 29, 2006)

There wasn't a tone, though it's quite hard to determine if there is or isn't over the net. I suppose people do not say a joke and then add 'I got that from ----'. 

Formatting...my worst enemy when it comes to poems . That'd be the biggest reason The Raven is my favorite. 

Anyway, to stay on topic:

Good job Wyndstar, I liked your entry. Just uhm, don't stay up too late...I have to dispose of my competition before the next LM and I don't want you being up when I kidn ---

Good job.


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## Glfralin (Nov 30, 2006)

I understand the reviews and appreciate reading them.  It's a great way to learn.  Reading the reviews of others' works helps shed light as well.  I especially enjoy when you break down the scores into each catagory.


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## kagechaos (Nov 30, 2006)

lol I got second to last place. (Sorry to last place, don't want to make you feel bad or anything.)

I guess mine was either too straighforward or too obscure. The room _itself_ was hell. Being alone would be hell for me. No other forms of pain or stimuli are needed to make it worse, in my opinion. I guess I should've explained that more, but since this is my first time trying LMs, I'll just have to try for a better score next time.


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## Chris Miller (Nov 30, 2006)

> Being alone would be hell for me.


Wait until you're married.


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## kagechaos (Dec 1, 2006)

lol I'm a [somewhat] hopeless romantic. I still think being alone is the worst thing imaginable.


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## rboy27 (Dec 1, 2006)

This was my first LM attempt and (not to sound concieted) I think I did pretty well at fourth place. There were some great entries; I personally enjoyed Krim's the best.

And yeah, I know the end of my story was sort of obvious, but I was kind of looking for that stale-joke feel. I was playing off of the joke that silverwriter posted, it was pretty corny and predictable, but that's what made it fun. I know I could do better and hopefully I will in the next LM!


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## Fantasy of You (Dec 10, 2006)

I just moved house. No net and all that. I came second! Yay! And to star, which is even better - had me laughing out loud. 

Lesbian breasts, smashbian breast.


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## cacafire (Dec 11, 2006)

Yeah, I seem to not be doing so well in these LM competitions... Maybe I should take longer on them? Mark my words... I WILL get a decent score. lol.

-Cacafire


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