# Proposed new challenge: The Paragraph Prompt



## JBF (Mar 8, 2021)

Spinning off from a thread soon to be buried in the dusty bowels of WF, we see the emergence of a potential new time-waster.  

The Paragraph Prompt is simple:

- this is not a competition
- this _is _a means of determining we all approach a given subject

Participants will be given a set of factors (one setting and one action) and allotted one paragraph to demonstrate their particular style.  Having done so, we will then disassemble said paragraph in order to better understand how the pieces work together.  

Rather than concern ourselves with overarching plot, character development, or the thousand and one rabbit holes into which we may detour in the course of a normal crit, the idea is to confine the prompt in a narrow space and focus specifically on the mechanical aspects of the thing.  This is criticism at the micro level; we're at the races to see _how _the greyhound runs rather than _how fast_.  

I suspect it may be a few days before this gets off the ground.  In the meantime I'll leave the floor open to gauge interest, field questions or prompt suggestions, and throw rotten fruit.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 8, 2021)

I didn't realise you'd started a thread so I'll post that starter here too:




> Deep in the heather heart of the Eldmoore valley, the village of Darrowdale stretched as the sun splashed atop the surrounding Five Peaks. The weave and droop of thatch and sandstone climbed dreamily from an early morning mist, edges etched in vivid light. It rattled and grumbled with the sound of waking village folk. The smell of sizzling breakfasts, piping hot soup and extra strong coffee carried on a sobering breeze, whilst smoke curled from chimney stacks, bed sheets snapped in back-gardens, hooves clattered on cobblestone, and a cockerel announced another day dawned.


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## JBF (Mar 8, 2021)

(moved from the other thread)

You asked.  :wink:

_Through the five peaks morning came to the vale of the Eldmoore   River, the first light of dawn filtering in the ebbing mist and   sketching dimly the houses of thatch and standstone that dotted the   valley floor where within the residents rose laggard and complaining to   the smoke of breakfast cookfires and the song of the cockerel.  _

I came, I saw...I murdered your punctuation and structure.


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## EternalGreen (Mar 8, 2021)

What does this mean? I'm lost.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 8, 2021)

EternalGreen said:


> What does this mean? I'm lost.



Take an original paragraph (prompt), in this case mine, and rewrite it in your own style. Once a few people have done that, we can then begin to discuss what makes our styles different and what goes into that style.


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## EternalGreen (Mar 8, 2021)

The village of Darrowdale lay in the shadows of Eldmoore valley, a net of darkness between five gold peaks. Dew and mist settled over thatch roofs and sandstone roads. It smelled of pork, coccus, and coffee beans. The townsfolk kindled their fireplaces, their chimneys filling the air with smoke of greens. Linens snapped in gardens; horses marched; roosters cried.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 8, 2021)

In the Eldmoore valley Darrowdale stretched itself. Sun splashed the surrounding Peaks, and thatch and sandstone, edged with light, climbed dreamily from an early morning mist. The village rattled with the sound of waking; of sizzling breakfasts. And that smell, with piping hot soup, extra strong coffee, and smoke from chimney stacks, carried on the breeze. Bed sheets snapped in back-gardens, hooves clattered on cobblestones, and the cockerel announced another day dawned.

Give or take a couple of Oxford commas.


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## SueC (Mar 8, 2021)

In the heathered heart of Eldmoore Valley rests the village of Darrowdale, overseen by the majestic Five Peaks. In the early morning light, the smell of sizzling bacon, popping toast, and strongly brewed coffee mingles with the sound of line-hung bedsheets, snapping on the breeze. Waking village folk rise to aromas on the wind; the sound of a rooster confirming another day has dawned.


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## Gumby (Mar 8, 2021)

The sleepy village of Darrowdale, dozed deep in the heart of Eldmoore valley. Sunlight touched the surrounding peaks, crept down to gently scratch at the thatched roofs of sandstone houses. The early morning breeze carried the smell of baking bread, sizzling breakfast and the snap of freshly washed bed sheets, already hung out to dry. A lone horse clattered through the cobblestone streets pulling the milk cart from house to house and in every yard, roosters loudly announced the beginning of a new day.


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## LCLee (Mar 8, 2021)

In the heart of the Eldmoore valley, the sun bathed the neighboring Five Peaks, exposing the village of Darrowdale. The early morning cloud burned away as it laid silent on the ground. The thatch roofs atop the sandstone cottages, with plumbed edges, brightened in the light of day. Noise of the village folk moving around as they rumbled and grumbled to their daily chores. The crackle of breakfast, boiling stews and strong coffee wafted through the windows, whilst smoke curled from chimneys. Barn doors opened and hooves clattered on cobblestone as a cock crowed announcing a new day.


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## Foxee (Mar 8, 2021)

This is a harder challenge than I expected!

Silver morning mist blanketed the sandstone-and-thatch of Darrowdale, hiding the ebbing grip of night. Snug in this heathered heart of Eldmore Valley, sleepers stirred and stretched. Fires were poked to life beneath kettles of soup and pots of coffee, each villager determined to rise to industrious action before their neighbor. High overhead the five peaks ringing the village stropped their teeth against the sun as the first cockerel's clarion call announced the new day.


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## bdcharles (Mar 9, 2021)

I really like this paragraph, and was hard put to make any changes. I wanna go to Darrowdale!



> Deep in the heather heart of the Eldmoore valley, the village of Darrowdale stretched as the sun splashed atop the surrounding Five Peaks. The weave and droop of thatch and sandstone climbed dreamily from an early morning mist, edges etched in vivid light. It rattled and grumbled with the sound of waking village folk. The smell of sizzling breakfasts, piping hot soup and extra strong coffee carried on a sobering breeze, whilst smoke curled from chimney stacks, bed sheets snapped in back-gardens, hooves clattered on cobblestone, and a cockerel announced another day dawned.



Deep in the heathery heart of the Eldmoore valley nestled the village of Darrowdale, embraced by the paternal slopes of the Five Peaks, whose capped tops shone gold in the new sun. The weave and droop of thatch and sandstone undulated through fragments of an early morning mist, their edges etched in hazy light, emitting rattles and grumbles - the sound of waking village folk - as though some giant beast slumbered there. The aromas of sizzling breakfasts, piping hot soup and extra strong coffee carried on a sobering breeze. Smoke curled from chimney stacks, bed sheets snapped in back-gardens, hooves clattered on cobblestone, and a cockerel announced another dawn.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

My immediate impression so far is there are writers that try to emulate the original mood of the piece and then there are writers that add in extra moods. I wonder if that's a 'respect' thing or a 'confidence' thing? The Foxee paragraph stands out to me in that it adds 'darkness' to the tonality of the paragraph. 'Grip of night', 'stropped their teeth', which is quite odd considering this paragraph is a primer for a ghost story and is never likely to be used. I'd be interested to know, Foxee, whether you decided to add in some darkness or whether you'd picked up some darkness already there.


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## bdcharles (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> My immediate impression so far is there are writers that try to emulate the original mood of the piece and then there are writers that add in extra moods. I wonder if that's a 'respect' thing or a 'confidence' thing? The Foxee paragraph stands out to me in that it adds 'darkness' to the tonality of the paragraph. 'Grip of night', 'stropped their teeth', which is quite odd considering this paragraph is a primer for a ghost story and is never likely to be used. I'd be interested to know, Foxee, whether you decided to add in some darkness or whether you'd picked up some darkness already there.



For me, it's just a mood-matching thing. I didn't feel the need to change the mood, which I quite liked.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> For me, it's just a mood-matching thing. I didn't feel the need to change the mood, which I quite liked.



What made you add 'paternal'? Is it partly to do with the fact you recognised they were actually called 'Five Peaks'? I also like the fact you've added in some personification. When you wrote that, where would you say you saw yourself as the camera?

I'd say I keep a pretty steady mid range camera, which is a little boring in my opinion, although I do try to bring that camera slowly in during the journey of the paragraph. The idea was a pan and then a zoom but I don't think I pulled it off.

None specific > Specific > intimate.


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> My immediate impression so far is there are writers that try to emulate the original mood of the piece and then there are writers that add in extra moods. I wonder if that's a 'respect' thing or a 'confidence' thing? The Foxee paragraph stands out to me in that it adds 'darkness' to the tonality of the paragraph. 'Grip of night', 'stropped their teeth', which is quite odd considering this paragraph is a primer for a ghost story and is never likely to be used. I'd be interested to know, Foxee, whether you decided to add in some darkness or whether you'd picked up some darkness already there.


I remembered from the other thread that you had mentioned the ghost story angle so I wanted to try to find the darkness in scene.

This is an interesting challenge because I don't usually think about what my style is, more what I'm aiming for in the story.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> I remembered from the other thread that you had mentioned the ghost story angle so I wanted to try to find the darkness in scene.
> 
> This is an interesting challenge because I don't usually think about what my style is, more what I'm aiming for in the story.



Oh, I see. I noticed that even though you've clearly stepped back from the picture often, there's a gentle intimacy about the way you dealt with it. This line for instance:



> Fires were poked to life beneath kettles of soup and pots of coffee, each villager determined to rise to industrious action before their neighbor.



I'm seeing a villager with a stick in their hand, poking embers alive and you've imbued them with a sense of rivalry. That's something well worth noting in my opinion.


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## bdcharles (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> What made you add 'paternal'? Is it partly to do with the fact you recognised they were actually called 'Five Peaks'? I also like the fact you've added in some personification. When you wrote that, where would you say you saw yourself as the camera?
> 
> I'd say I keep a pretty steady mid range camera, which is a little boring in my opinion, although I do try to bring that camera slowly in during the journey of the paragraph. The idea was a pan and then a zoom but I don't think I pulled it off.
> 
> None specific > Specific > intimate.



Yeah I suppose I did want to personify the hills, to give them an embracing sense to them, and put forward a benign scene. And yes I definitely saw myself as the camera - I could see the scene quite clearly. 

In terms of zoom, I can see you started it, which works, though you might typically finish on a single character of interest.


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> I'm seeing a villager with a stick in their hand, poking embers alive and you've imbued them with a sense of rivalry. That's something well worth noting in my opinion.


The funny thing is that even though we're talking about Darrowdale it reminds me of people I know and places I've lived. People close to the land or who work with their hands often seem to me like they're making a point of being up and busy first. If you're first on certain jobs you have a kind of moral superiority and often some status that allows you to boss the latecomers around!

ETA: In terms of the camera being close or far I essentially tried to cover a lot of the same main points that were in your paragraph so in terms of whether the camera was close to or farther from the subjects isn't changed much from the original paragraph. Mainly what I think I've changed is the angle of the camera...Look at the mist, no look under the mist. Look at the villagers, this is what they want. Look up at the mountains, they're sharp in contrast to this bucolic scene.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> Yeah I suppose I did want to personify the hills, to give them an embracing sense to them, and put forward a benign scene. And yes I definitely saw myself as the camera - I could see the scene quite clearly.
> 
> In terms of zoom, I can see you started it, which works, though you might typically finish on a single character of interest.



The cockerel was meant to be the final focal point, bringing the whole 'waking' theme to a conclusion. But it lacked enough intimacy mid range I think. I'm beginning to wonder if that mid camera is of any use whatsoever. It's likely what's responsible for many unnecessarily complex descriptions that remove the reader from the immediacy because of how long they have to read it. If you're Tolkein, then maybe, but from listening to many audiobooks lately, the broad stokes (ranged camera) coupled with the zoom (the occasional intimate detail) creates a dynamic scene more often than not. Although, having said that, too much and it could become jarring, so perhaps the mid range camera should be used specifically to slow things down and give the reader time to breath.

edit: although thinking more about this, that could also be the function of the zoomed in camera.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> The funny thing is that even though we're talking about Darrowdale it reminds me of people I know and places I've lived. People close to the land or who work with their hands often seem to me like they're making a point of being up and busy first. If you're first on certain jobs you have a kind of moral superiority and often some status that allows you to boss the latecomers around!
> 
> ETA: In terms of the camera being close or far I essentially tried to cover a lot of the same main points that were in your paragraph so in terms of whether the camera was close to or farther from the subjects isn't changed much from the original paragraph.* Mainly what I think I've changed is the angle of the camera.*..Look at the mist, no look under the mist. Look at the villagers, this is what they want. Look up at the mountains, they're sharp in contrast to this bucolic scene.



Now that's a fascinating concept! I've always been aware of the square v the cube from a philosophical perspective, but never actually had it in mind when writing. I'm a very 'visual' person in general so that's likely the reason for that. So far, what I've picked up in terms of adjusting voice is: Broad strokes with smatterings of detail. Now I can add in 'angles of camera'. It seems obvious on the face of it, but so is including senses in scenes, but I still forget those simple rules whilst writing.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 9, 2021)

There were far too many modifiers for me, I had to lose a few of them. Putting the sheets flapping in the back yards next to all those smells, especially the smoke from chimneys, seemed wrong, and would they really flap like that if there was still a morning mist? The cockerel had to be* the* cockerel for me, not just any old one


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Olly Buckle said:


> There were far too many modifiers for me, I had to lose a few of them. Putting the sheets flapping in the back yards next to all those smells, especially the smoke from chimneys, seemed wrong, and would they really flap like that if there was still a morning mist? The cockerel had to be* the* cockerel for me, not just any old one



I agree. It's what I'm picking up here from everyone's version. My mid range camera is too prevalent, which leads to me adding in too much mid range detail. I'd be interested to hear from you on what you're picking up overall in terms of style choice. From everyone, not just me! 

The snapping sheets is meant to be the bed-sheets being shook out, not them hanging on a line, but the way I've written it, it does look like a mid range description. Foxee has shown me that in her interpretation. That's where I should have gone in and made it more personal. Adjust the angle, as she put it. Gumby also added in a little more intimacy with the hooves scene, which makes that little image pop more. (or should I say 'plop'?)

edit: What are Oxford commas by the way?

This from Sue I thought was an interesting addition, adding a new sound to the scene:



> In the heathered heart of Eldmoore Valley rests the village of Darrowdale, overseen by the majestic Five Peaks. In the early morning light, the smell of sizzling bacon, *popping toast*, and strongly brewed coffee mingles with the sound of line-hung bedsheets, snapping on the breeze. Waking village folk rise to aromas on the wind; the sound of a rooster confirming another day has dawned.



And the fact she's been specific about blending two soundscapes.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

What I've taken from this interesting thread so far: Broad strokes/intimate detail creates a more dynamic scene, and consider the angles and not just the imagery. A fire is great but having someone stoke that fire is more dynamic (and intimate). A horse is great, but having that horse actually doing something is more dynamic (and intimate). Overuse of a mid range camera can bog the text down and lose momentum.


Perhaps a new prompt is in order? One from our host seems fair. Perhaps to make sure there's an obvious break write the heading large in blue or something like that? One paragraph though, JBF! I'm not up for writing a whole darned novel.

*NEW PROMPT:*

JBF: 'lots of lovely stuff'

edit: And just to add for clarity. From my understanding of the OP, the objective here isn't to 'critique', it's to 'analyse' styles and try to understand what makes a style tick. In doing so, create a quantifiable overview that can be distilled into basic rules of thumb. So, we're not looking for faults in the pieces, but rather the positives.


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## bdcharles (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> The cockerel was meant to be the final focal point, bringing the whole 'waking' theme to a conclusion. But it lacked enough intimacy mid range I think. I'm beginning to wonder if that mid camera is of any use whatsoever. It's likely what's responsible for many unnecessarily complex descriptions that remove the reader from the immediacy because of how long they have to read it. If you're Tolkein, then maybe, but from listening to many audiobooks lately, the broad stokes (ranged camera) coupled with the zoom (the occasional intimate detail) creates a dynamic scene more often than not. Although, having said that, too much and it could become jarring, so perhaps the mid range camera should be used specifically to slow things down and give the reader time to breath.
> 
> edit: although thinking more about this, that could also be the function of the zoomed in camera.



Ah, I thought the cockerel was just a sound effect, or maybe something minor stored up for later. I mean, it did represent a degree of zooming in, for me, but it didn't seem to be the endpoint, unless you're going for a close in POV of a chicken

I liked the mid-range stuff - but that's just me. I love detail, great washes of it.


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> A fire is great but having someone stoke that fire is more dynamic (and intimate). A horse is great, but having that horse actually doing something is more dynamic (and intimate). Overuse of a mid range camera can bog the text down and lose momentum.


I found as I was tinkering with this paragraph I kept wanting to bring a character into focus right away. Being restricted to one paragraph for this challenge is great because it REALLY forces you to think about what should be in that paragraph. I guarantee that if this was my story the next line would be zoomed in tight on a specific character, that was just my gut instinct.

I agree, time for the next prompt. JBF, call your office!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> Ah, I thought the cockerel was just a sound effect, or maybe something minor stored up for later. I mean, it did represent a degree of zooming in, for me, but it didn't seem to be the endpoint, unless you're going for a close in POV of a chicken
> 
> I liked the mid-range stuff - but that's just me. I love detail, great washes of it.



I'm absolutely certain there are technical terms for what I'm describing. I don't know them so have to invent my own personal ways of looking at things. I think the camera perspective can be universally understood because most writers have a cinema screen playing in their minds eye when writing. 

*Distant camera:* The mountains swept from east to west beneath the glower of a coming storm.
*Mid range camera:* Within a valley, beneath the omen, sat a cowering village.
*Zoomed camera:* A villager stared up at the sky, flecks of grey mirrored in azure eyes.
*Internal camera:* She wondered if today would be her last.

I believe, by flicking between Distant to Zoomed, it creates an inherent dynamism (movement if you will), and overuse of the mid range camera can break that dynamism. I actually see no reason why the zoomed/internal camera can't replace the function of the mid range camera in most cases.


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> Distant camera: The mountains swept from east to west beneath the glower of a coming storm.
> Mid camera: Within a valley, beneath the omen, sat a cowering village.
> Zoomed camera: A villager stared up at the sky, flecks of grey mirrored in azure eyes.
> .


Internal camera: You see from the villager's perspective and can know his thoughts. (Filmmakers would love to have this one and we get to do it on the page whenever we want!)


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> Internal camera: You see from the villager's perspective and can know his thoughts. (Filmmakers would love to have this one and we get to do it on the page whenever we want!)



Got ya! Yes, I'll add that.


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## JBF (Mar 9, 2021)

Onwards!  No sample format this time, so the field is wide open.  

For our second prompt, a character in the wilderness camps beside a river.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

JBF said:


> Onwards!  No sample format this time, so the field is wide open.
> 
> For our second prompt, a character in the wilderness camps beside a river.



I think it would be better and more informative to have an actual paragraph to rewrite. That would show more clearly the little changes people make to an already established style. Everyone's interpretation of that will be completely different, leaving us with no cross reference points to focus in on. 

Come on! Give us a paragraph.


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## JBF (Mar 9, 2021)

Not exactly what I had in mind, but I'll roll with it.  Stolen from the opening of a back-burner project.  
_
Under the hot sun of midafternoon came a figure down the old market road, moving with the easy gait of the unhurried.  Dust colored the legs of his overalls and from a distance, under the shimmering heat, gave the effect not of a man walking but of some man-shaped part of the earth pushed up through the Oklahoma dirt on a dry and forlorn stretch of country highway.       _


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

_Beneath a smothering mid-afternoon, a figure walked, with the gate of the unhurried. Dust gathered on the legs of his overalls and from a distance it seemed the plains swallowed him, the once-man transformed into nothing more than a shimmering cactus in the Oklahoma dirt, trying to tear himself free, as forlorn as the stretch of highway ahead._


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

[FONT=Trebuchet MS, sans-serif]Dusty blacktop and blinding noon haze conspired to cook the man that had come between them. He sauntered loose-limbed and easy, one moment a man of Oklahoma clay kiln-fired here on the market road, the next insubstantial as the shimmers of rising heat.[/FONT]


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> Dusty blacktop and blinding noon haze conspired to cook the man that had come between them. He sauntered loose-limbed and easy, one moment a man of Oklahoma clay kiln-fired *here* on the market road, the next insubstantial as the shimmers of rising heat.



What would that be called? It's not personification as such. It's more attributing another function as a sort of simile/metaphor.
Again though, very specific, which I like. Enhanced by the fact you've used 'here' and not 'there'. That puts us inside the image rather than observing it. I like that too!


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

JBF said:


> _Under the hot sun of midafternoon came a figure down the old market road, moving with the easy gait of the unhurried.  Dust colored the legs of his overalls and from a distance, under the shimmering heat, gave the effect not of a man walking but of some man-shaped part of the earth pushed up through the Oklahoma dirt on a dry and forlorn stretch of country highway.       _


As I thought, your work is difficult to rewrite because it's so tight and solid that it's kind of a shame to change anything!


TheMightyAz said:


> _Beneath a smothering mid-afternoon, a figure walked, with the gate of the unhurried. Dust gathered on the legs of his overalls and from a distance it seemed the plains swallowed him, the once-man transformed into nothing more than a shimmering cactus in the Oklahoma dirt, trying to tear himself free, as forlorn as the stretch of highway ahead._


I think you played on the 'forlorn' part of this well with 'smothering', 'swallowed', 'once-man', 'trying to tear himself free'.


TheMightyAz said:


> What would that be called? It's not personification as such. It's more attributing another function as a sort of simile/metaphor.
> Again though, very specific, which I like. Enhanced by the fact you've used 'here' and not 'there'. That puts us inside the image rather than observing it. I like that too!


Honestly, not sure what the technical term is but my strategy is generally verbs, metaphors, and procrastination.

These little paragraphs, divorced from their stories, take some thought to figure out what direction to go. I dithered quite a while before I talked myself into being okay with a disembodied narrative voice that simply observed. "Here" wasn't really a decision so much as something that flowed from that imagined voice and placement. Glad you like!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> As I thought, your work is difficult to rewrite because it's so tight and solid that it's kind of a shame to change anything!
> 
> I think you played on the 'forlorn' part of this well with 'smothering', 'swallowed', 'once-man', 'trying to tear himself free'.
> 
> ...



I like the divorced paragraphs. It forces you to examine the 'craft' that's gone into them. Having a set point also helps I think. It allows us to view exactly the same thing but from different perspectives, rather like your 'angles' comment. By doing that you can form a fuller picture of the styles and draw from the 'whole' a basic formula (nasty word ... not the right one ... it'll do) or rule of thumb. Something to hang your thoughts on.


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## Gumby (Mar 9, 2021)

This is fun!




The old market road shimmered with heat beneath the midafternoon sun, and in the distance, as if the earth itself had come alive, movement. A figure, legs made of red dust and heat slowly materialized, flowing with the long and easy stride of the unhurried, he floated above the haze of the Oklahoma dirt, his bare feet seemingly a part of the dry, dusty highway stretching out before him.​


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## Foxee (Mar 9, 2021)

That's good stuff, Gumby, your poetic chops are showing. Love the imagery, you got that duality of the floating indistinct view of the guy's form and at the same time the solid "made of earth" idea. So GOOD!


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## Gumby (Mar 9, 2021)

Foxee said:


> That's good stuff, Gumby, your poetic chops are showing. Love the imagery, you got that duality of the floating indistinct view of the guy's form and at the same time the solid "made of earth" idea. So GOOD!




Lol! If I get too 'poeticky' just bop me on the head and send me back to the Poetry Forum. Haha!


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## JBF (Mar 9, 2021)

Gumby said:


> Lol! If I get too 'poeticky' just bop me on the head and send me back to the Poetry Forum. Haha!



Heh.  Fiction can use all the poetry it can get.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 10, 2021)

A man was walking down the old market road, unhurried in the heat of mid-afternoon. The dust clinging to the legs of his overalls merged visually with the road in the shimmering heat so he appeared a natural phenomenon, some unstoppable part of the landscape moving down the dry, deserted highway.


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## Foxee (Mar 10, 2021)

Olly Buckle said:


> ...so he appeared a natural phenomenon, some unstoppable part of the landscape moving down the dry, deserted highway.


I especially like this part, Olly. The 'unstoppable' idea is a great aspect to pull out of the paragraph.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 10, 2021)

What I've taken from this particular paragraph is the power of themes and tone. I see paragraphs as self contained 'events', kind of mini stories within the whole story. If you can legitimately run with a theme throughout the paragraph, it brings the whole paragraph together. It's also worth noting that (in my opinion) if you're going to do that, you need to have a natural progression to the development of the theme. A start a middle and an end, so to speak. To summarise what I've learned so far:

*Distant camera:* the mountains swept from east to west beneath the glower of a coming storm
*Mid range camera:* Within a valley, beneath the omen, sat a cowering village
*Zoomed camera:* A villager stared up at the sky, flecks of grey mirrored in azure eyes
*Internal camera:* She wondered if today would be her last.

You get a more dynamic scene shifting between Distant camera and Zoomed camera and overuse of Mid Range camera can bog the piece down too much if you're not careful (my particular foible). There is no reason the Zoomed camera can't be used in a similar way to the Mid Range camera. And be sure to use that Internal camera more (another one of my little foibles). So much of a foible that if it hadn't been for Foxee reminding me, I would have likely forgotten there is one!!!

*---------------------------------------------------------------------------------*

It's often useful to have a theme for a paragraph. Not to be overused of course. If you're going to have a theme for your paragraph then treat the development of that theme as you would the development of a theme in the whole story. The hint image > the tranformative image > the conclusion. It doesn't have to be an image. It can be many things but since I used imagery I've run with that as the template. I had a theme in mind for my paragraph but 'accidentally' got it in the right order. That's something I'll be working on and keeping an out for in the future.

_[FONT=&Verdana]Beneath a smothering mid-afternoon, a figure walked, with the gate of the unhurried. Dust gathered on the legs of his overalls and from a distance *1/ *it seemed the plains swallowed him, the *2/ *once-man transformed into nothing more than a shimmering cactus in the Oklahoma dirt, *3/ *trying to tear himself free, as forlorn as the stretch of highway ahead.

[/FONT]_[FONT=&Verdana]*1:* The hint image (set up)
*2: *The transformative image 
*3:* The conclusion

Taking what I've observed, I might have changed cactus in line with something trying to tear itself free. Crow might work there. 

I love this thread.[/FONT]


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## VRanger (Mar 10, 2021)

The searing rays of a late dawn stretched through the peaks into the Eldmore Valley like stabbing golden fingers ripping away the river’s sheltering morning mist, exposing every cottage to prying eyes. His protecting veil of darkness shorn away, a lonely rooster called a warning to the half-awakened town. Pigs, terrified, huddled in the corners of their pens as the sizzles and pops of their former brethren reached their ears. Their eyes dropped in shame at the realization they, too, enjoyed the smell. The grounds of extra-strong coffee lay in sodden masses at the bottom of pots, the farmers of Darrowdale having relied on the brew to keep them awake in the predawn coolness. Now they hastened into the shade and into the cottages, the morning work done, laundry already hung and snapping in a breeze forced through mountain passes with the rapid onset of heat. Another day ... when would it end?


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## Foxee (Mar 10, 2021)

vranger said:


> The searing rays of a late dawn stretched through the peaks into the Eldmore Valley like stabbing golden fingers ripping away the river’s sheltering morning mist, exposing every cottage to prying eyes. His protecting veil of darkness shorn away, a lonely rooster called a warning to the half-awakened town. Pigs, terrified, huddled in the corners of their pens as the sizzles and pops of their former brethren reached their ears. Their eyes dropped in shame at the realization they, too, enjoyed the smell. The grounds of extra-strong coffee lay in sodden masses at the bottom of pots, the farmers of Darrowdale having relied on the brew to keep them awake in the predawn coolness. Now they hastened into the shade and into the cottages, the morning work done, laundry already hung and snapping in a breeze forced through mountain passes with the rapid onset of heat. Another day ... when would it end?


Terror in Darrowdale! It's a race against time and then THE END!

I can believe an asteroid is on its way to Darrowdale.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 10, 2021)

Foxee said:


> Terror in Darrowdale! It's a race against time and then THE END!
> 
> I can believe an asteroid is on its way to Darrowdale.



If everyone is in agreement, I think you should be the next contributor! You can just take a paragraph from one of your already written pieces like JBF did. And would advice adding a nice bold, enlarged and colourful 'NEW PROMPT' just before it. Otherwise, as vranger has shown, as the thread gets longer, people will start overlooking new prompts!!!! 

I love your interpretation of my paragraph though, vranger!


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## VRanger (Mar 10, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> If everyone is in agreement, I think you should be the next contributor! You can just take a paragraph from one of your already written pieces like JBF did. And would advice adding a nice bold, enlarged and colourful 'NEW PROMPT' just before it. Otherwise, as vranger has shown, as the thread gets longer, people will start overlooking new prompts!!!!
> 
> I love your interpretation of my paragraph though, vranger!



There were so many prettily written descriptions of bucolic life I felt I had nothing too add in that vein. 

I wrote it a bit back and then our entire internet provider went down last evening and all night! Then when things came back up this morning, the computer didn't recognize my keyboard, and everything was quite slow to operate. Somehow, no expressions of the profane breathed from my lips, but they did remain tight until I'd sorted out the mysteries.


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## VRanger (Mar 10, 2021)

JBF said:


> Not exactly what I had in mind, but I'll roll with it.  Stolen from the opening of a back-burner project.
> _
> Under the hot sun of midafternoon came a figure down the old market road, moving with the easy gait of the unhurried.  Dust colored the legs of his overalls and from a distance, under the shimmering heat, gave the effect not of a man walking but of some man-shaped part of the earth pushed up through the Oklahoma dirt on a dry and forlorn stretch of country highway.       _



That's an evocative and creative image.


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## JBF (Mar 10, 2021)

Olly Buckle said:


> A man was walking down the old market road, unhurried in the heat of mid-afternoon. The dust clinging to the legs of his overalls merged visually with the road in the shimmering heat so he appeared a natural phenomenon, some unstoppable part of the landscape moving down the dry, deserted highway.





Foxee said:


> I especially like this part, Olly. The  'unstoppable' idea is a great aspect to pull out of the  paragraph.



Nailed it.  

Fun detail: 

This except has its roots in a story that goes all the way back to high school.  For my final year I took AP English to knock out a college credit, and the last major grade (weighted for two standard tests) was a project of our own engineering based on one of the pieces of historical literature we'd covered throughout the year.  

I moved my pick to the 1920s and wrote something like a hundred pages.  A-grade stuff at the time, nigh unreadable in hindsight.

This revisit comes a decade and a half later and looks to bring improvements to character, setting, and plot that proved elusive in the original.  So congrats for picking up on the sense of latent menace and vaguely inhuman character - who is, incidentally, on his way to wreak mayhem in the hinterlands of Nowhere, Oklahoma, circa 1924.  

Our first character - whom you've met in passing - is less a bad guy than a minor force of nature, and by the time the dust settles you'll know him as much for the swath he cuts as for the quality of the men who face him.

Our antagonist goes by the name Grenville Caine.

....you might know him better as Grendel.


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## Foxee (Mar 10, 2021)

Okay, apparently it's my turn to toss a paragraph out there.

New Prompt

_That glowing curtain of molten lava shot twenty feet into the air at least, a hot blaze of color against the damp forest darkness up on the brow of the mountain. Thirty feet long the seam was only the width of a man's hand at the widest part. Sound was a pressure of expectation more than fact, a kind of rushing noise of escaping lava and the crackling hiss of red-gold embers burning holes in the leaves. All the wildlife in the area cleared out for miles around, the thing just didn't smell right._


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 10, 2021)

_A molten curtain of lava burned hot against the darkened forest high on the mountain edge. The seam hissed and crackled with the pressure of expectation, spitting embers that seared through delicate leaves, gripped the scorched hundred-year trunks and slid them downhill in a procession of fire. An acrid smell stung the broiling air, creatures flew and ran and scooted and stampeded  ... their home ablaze and licked clean. _


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 10, 2021)

Looking back I might take out the word 'visually', it's pretty well implied. The main thing that struck me was that I wanted to go straight to the main game, the man. Who first, then where, when, and how.


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## Foxee (Mar 10, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> ..._gripped the scorched hundred-year trunks and slid them downhill in a procession of fire. An acrid smell stung the broiling air, creatures flew and ran and scooted and stampeded  ... their home ablaze and licked clean. _


Okay...but I didn't set the forest on fire. This was originally a kind of weird phenomenon of a very thin fissure (no wider than a man's hand) and the woods were wet (though I guess that didn't make it into this particular paragraph). 



Olly Buckle said:


> Looking back I might take out the word 'visually', it's pretty well implied. The main thing that struck me was that I wanted to go straight to the main game, the man. Who first, then where, when, and how.


True about 'visually'. I had a similar thought process regarding what order should I put the elements in.


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## SueC (Mar 10, 2021)

Foxee said:


> Okay, apparently it's my turn to toss a paragraph out there.
> 
> New Prompt
> 
> _That glowing curtain of molten lava shot twenty feet into the air at least, a hot blaze of color against the damp forest darkness up on the brow of the mountain. Thirty feet long the seam was only the width of a man's hand at the widest part. Sound was a pressure of expectation more than fact, a kind of rushing noise of escaping lava and the crackling hiss of red-gold embers burning holes in the leaves. All the wildlife in the area cleared out for miles around, the thing just didn't smell right._



I thought it would have more of a punch, starting with the ending. The smell and the animal behavior might be noticed before the actual visuals of the lava. You are incorporating senses; sight, hearing, smell. You want descriptions that matter to the senses. Good job.

_Something didn’t smell right; the area wildlife was clearing out for miles around. Leaves on nearby trees began with singe holes before combusting into nothing. That glowing curtain of molten lava shot twenty feet into the air, a hot blaze of color against the dark forest dampness on the brow of the mountain. The sound came across as a rushing noise of escaping lava and a crackling hiss, from a seam the width of a man’s hand at the widest part._


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## Foxee (Mar 10, 2021)

SueC said:


> I thought it would have more of a punch, starting with the ending.


You are right! I like the rearrangement, it really works.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Foxee said:


> Okay...but I didn't set the forest on fire. This was originally a kind of weird phenomenon of a very thin fissure (no wider than a man's hand) and the woods were wet (though I guess that didn't make it into this particular paragraph).
> 
> 
> True about 'visually'. I had a similar thought process regarding what order should I put the elements in.



I only adjusted it a little ... 

I was thinking of that theme progression thought I had earlier.


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## Foxee (Mar 11, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> I only adjusted it a little ... .


We might know what we originally intended but isn't it interesting how flexible a paragraph becomes, lending itself to any one of a thousand stories when its frame is gone?


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Foxee said:


> We might know what we originally intended but isn't it interesting how flexible a paragraph becomes, lending itself to any one of a thousand stories when its frame is gone?



Absolutely. Paragraphs, as I've mentioned before, are like little stories of their own and you begin to see that when you separate them from the body of work and examine them in isolation. I might have mentioned it before: I LOVE paragraphs.


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## Foxee (Mar 11, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> I might have mentioned it before: I LOVE paragraphs.


They're great but really, really not the whole story. Not by a long shot.

(except for microfiction, of course)


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Foxee said:


> They're great but really, really not the whole story. Not by a long shot.
> 
> (except for microfiction, of course)



Words > sentences > paragraphs = story

I like stories too, but feel it's more important to hone the first three before considering them as a competent whole. If you can nail the first three, then an editor/publisher is more likely to continue reading and eventually find out whether you've written a bad story, good story or excellent story. If you don't nail the first three, chances are, even if you've written the greatest story ever written, the editor/publisher will likely never find out. 

That's my thinking and why I'm taking a year to well and truly hone all three before committing to what I would consider a marketable story.


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## Foxee (Mar 11, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> Words > sentences > paragraphs = story
> 
> I like stories too, but feel it's more important to hone the first three before considering them as a competent whole. If you can nail the first three, then an editor/publisher is more likely to continue reading and eventually find out whether you've written a bad story, good story or excellent story. If you don't nail the first three, chances are, even if you've written the greatest story ever written, the editor/publisher will likely never find out.
> 
> That's my thinking and why I'm taking a year to well and truly hone all three before committing to what I would consider a marketable story.


I understand your viewpoint and have seen it played out across the boards. I don't entirely agree with you, honing too soon is like trying to gild a wilting lily. It's not that it's not important - you're right about that - but looking at the story as a whole is just as important as polishing its parts.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Foxee said:


> I understand your viewpoint and have seen it played out across the boards. I don't entirely agree with you, honing too soon is like trying to gild a wilting lily. It's not that it's not important - you're right about that -* but looking at the story as a whole is just as important as polishing its parts.*



I can't disagree with that at all.  I just find it easier to take an element at a time. I do have the complete story in mind though. It takes longer to get there though ... all that back tracking to edit, all that self loathing, all that howling at the moon. lol


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## Gumby (Mar 11, 2021)

A molten snake of lava slithered down the side of the mountain, a wound, alive and spreading out as wide as a man’s hand in some places. Hissing, crackling with red embers spewing into the trees, burning leaves. The pressure was palpable and filled the air with a heavy, soundless throb, an invisible force, pushing the wildlife away with the smell of impending death.​ ​


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## JBF (Mar 11, 2021)

Foxee said:


> I understand your viewpoint and have seen it played out across the boards. I don't entirely agree with you, honing too soon is like trying to gild a wilting lily. It's not that it's not important - you're right about that - but looking at the story as a whole is just as important as polishing its parts.



Moreso the longer a story runs on.  If writing good scenes is art, so's learning how to tie them together.  Most people seem to pick up one or the other and spend an inordinate amount of time stumbling in darkness wondering why their story doesn't work (anybody care to guess where my twenties went? Yeah...).  

At any rate I suspect a lot of the difficulty here comes from the uneasy marriage of two disparate worlds.  Technicians make poor artists because they bog down in the clinical details and lose sight of the finished product.  Artists, while gifted to the see the big picture, tend to distract easily and gloss over just how complex the surgical necessities can get.  Ideally you can get both harnessed and pulling more or less in the same direction...but sooner or later I suspect most would-be authors have to hew on way or the other.  

And may God have mercy, because when that big frying pan of truth smacks you in the head and makes you realize there's no one particular way to do this...that's when you get philosophers, and believe me it's all downhill from there.


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## Foxee (Mar 11, 2021)

Gumby said:


> A molten snake of lava slithered down the side of the mountain, a wound, alive and spreading out as wide as a man’s hand in some places. Hissing, crackling with red embers spewing into the trees, burning leaves. The pressure was palpable and filled the air with a heavy, soundless throb, an invisible force, pushing the wildlife away with the smell of impending death.​ ​


​Dang, woman. I nominate, no I demand! That you be the next paragraph prompt contributor!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

JBF said:


> Moreso the longer a story runs on.  If writing good scenes is art, so's learning how to tie them together.  Most people seem to pick up one or the other and spend an inordinate amount of time stumbling in darkness wondering why their story doesn't work (anybody care to guess where my twenties went? Yeah...).
> 
> At any rate I suspect a lot of the difficulty here comes from the uneasy marriage of two disparate worlds.  Technicians make poor artists because they bog down in the clinical details and lose sight of the finished product.  Artists, while gifted to the see the big picture, tend to distract easily and gloss over just how complex the surgical necessities can get.  Ideally you can get both harnessed and pulling more or less in the same direction...but sooner or later I suspect most would-be authors have to hew on way or the other.
> 
> And may God have mercy on your writing career, because when that big frying pan of truth smacks you in the head and makes you realize there's no one particular way to do this...that's when you get philosophers, and believe me it's all downhill from there.



I used to just write but found the process lead to cementing bad habits. I approached everything other than writing in the way I approach writing now. Running, bowling, snooker, you name it. I'd break it down into its component parts and hone each part until eventually the whole worked better. Once I establish each part as part of my general 'habits' I let lose and see where I am. That will come in terms of my writing too. A pole vaulter, a runner, a shot putter, a pianist, a guitarist, a golfer etc doesn't just 'do it', they practice every single element to find their weakest points. It may look mechanical or too logical when related to something construed as 'art'. 

I'd love to get published eventually, but my only objective is to hone my craft right now. Even if, at the end of it all, I never get published, the process itself is interesting to me and so I wouldn't consider it a waste of time. 

I remember when I first started running. There was a 4 mile run I did every day except Sundays. I'd concentrate on breathing, concentrate on taking measured steps, concentrate on honing a focused mindset, concentrate on 'heal to toe, heal to toe', concentrate on an internal rhythm. Every single element of running.

During that time, another runner was running the same course I ran. I'd be focused on my objectives and he'd be passing me every single time. I'd just watch him pass. He was better than me. After around 4 months of concentrating on all the elements that went into running well, and topping up my resistance to fatigue, that runner ran past me as usual. It was time to let lose and see the results of my focus. 

I tore that guy UP! Oh ... the look on his face.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 11, 2021)

Gumby said:


> A molten snake of lava slithered down the side of the mountain, a wound, alive and spreading out as wide as a man’s hand in some places. Hissing, crackling with red embers spewing into the trees, burning leaves. The pressure was palpable and filled the air with a heavy, soundless throb, an invisible force, pushing the wildlife away with the smell of impending death.​ ​



I did like this, a couple of things struck me. The molten snake image suggested the familiar flow of larva across the surface, one has to adjust the idea when getting to 'a wound'. May I suggest putting it first
'A wound, a molten snake ...'

A couple of extra words, there is no real difference between 'some places' and 'places'. 'Palpable pressure filled the air' is such a lovely aliterative phrase I would be very tempted to lose 'the, was, and'.


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## Gumby (Mar 11, 2021)

*New Prompt*
(Okay, tell me if I'm doing this wrong and we aren't supposed to have characters, but only a scene? If so, just skip over this and I'll pick it up, eventually. Lol!)


 Confused, she studied the bright crimson beads sliding down her arm, pooling at her fingertips, dropping into endless sky below. _How could that be? Sky is above, not below. _Even in her muddled state she knew that much. Blood, it was blood. She froze, instinct told her that moving was a bad idea, as her fuzzy mind began to clear, she realized she was standing at the edge of a terrifying drop off, so high that it seemed blue sky was both above and far below her._ Roar, slap, hiss, roar, slap, hiss, _beating in her head, her ears pounding with the rhythm of it. The distinct sound of angry waves beating against rocks.  Licking dry lips, she tasted salt, sand, felt wind whipping her hair into a frenzy as it lashed around her head like Medusa's snakes.  
​


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## Foxee (Mar 11, 2021)

Looks fine to me! I think I need to sleep before tackling it, though.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Gumby said:


> *New Prompt*
> (Okay, tell me if I'm doing this wrong and we aren't supposed to have characters, but only a scene? If so, just skip over this and I'll pick it up, eventually. Lol!)
> 
> 
> ...



Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'll deal with this tomorrow. lol. This is just SO good! I fear tampering.

edit: It looks like Foxee felt the same


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 11, 2021)

Darn it, I had to give it a go before I go to bed:

She observed the crimson beads slipping down her arm, pooling at her fingertips and dripping into endless sky. _That could not be._ Even in her confusion, she knew that much. It was blood. An instinct held her rigid, as her senses slowly returned. She realised she stood on the precipice of a sheer cliff, so high the sky seemed endless above and below. Angry waves roared and slapped and hissed rhythmically in her head, ears resonating in accord. Below the ocean battered and clawed at the cliff on which she stood. She tasted salt on her lips, her hair whipping in a violent wind, striking forward like snakes as if to meet in battle an enemy of the land.


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## Foxee (Mar 12, 2021)

There is a lot to this one so I hope I've done it justice. My time to play with it is being cut a little short today. Last sentence is a tad too long and I think it could stand more work, really, but here we go:

Brightcrimson beads slid down her arm, pooled at her fingertips, droppedinto thin sky below. Red so beautiful in the pearly blue, like art. Acrash-and-roar hissed through her head and sucked at her ears like afalling-dream that turned her to fear-struck stone. She stood at theedge of a cliff so high the sky appeared to be both above and farbelow. Licking dry lips she smelled blood and tasted sand and salt.Her hair lashed her face like frenzied Medusa's snakes that woulddrive her from the edge to where waves punished rocks and hissed withfrustration at the foot of the dizzying drop.


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## Foxee (Mar 12, 2021)

There is a lot to this one so I hope I've done it justice. My time to play with it is being cut a little short today. Last sentence is a tad too long and I think it could stand more work, really, but here we go:

Bright crimson beads slid down her arm, pooled at her fingertips, dropped into thin sky below. Red so very beautiful in the pearly blue, like art. A crash-and-roar hissed through her head and sucked at her ears in a falling-dream tilt that turned her to fear-struck stone. She stood at the edge of a cliff so high the sky appeared to be both above and far below. Licking dry lips she smelled blood and tasted sand and salt. Her hair lashed her face like frenzied Medusa's snakes that wished to drive her from the edge to where waves punished rocks and foamed with frustration at the foot of the dizzying drop.


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## Gumby (Mar 12, 2021)

Az:



> Below the ocean battered and clawed at the cliff on which she stood.


I loved this line.  And think you've managed to condense some of my ramblings nicely. I know I tend to ramble and always have to come back and condense/cut.


Foxee:


> Bright crimson beads slid down her arm, pooled at her fingertips, dropped into thin sky below.


 "thin sky" now that is a great term and you immediately get it. 



> A crash-and-roar hissed through her head and sucked at her ears in a falling-dream tilt


 That's great! Love 'sucked at her ears' that's exactly what it feels like and you managed to get the sense of 'vertigo' in there with the falling dream tilt.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if this was a correct interpretation of the challenge, as they mostly seemed to be scenes without inner dialog and an outward, looking in perspective, where this is almost all her perspective, looking out. I love this challenge, though!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 12, 2021)

Gumby said:


> Az:
> 
> I loved this line.  And think you've managed to condense some of my ramblings nicely. I know I tend to ramble and always have to come back and condense/cut.




There was a slight confusion there and I forgot to iron it out. At the point she looks down at the sky and thinks this cannot be. Immediately following that, the revelation is 'it's blood'. It kinda creates a slight confusion in the image. I meant to iron that out but forgot. I was knackered.


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## Foxee (Mar 12, 2021)

Gumby said:


> Honestly, I wasn't sure if this was a correct interpretation of the challenge, as they mostly seemed to be scenes without inner dialog and an outward, looking in perspective, where this is almost all her perspective, looking out. I love this challenge, though!


I think any paragraph should be fair game within reason (don't offer up the longest paragraph ever written and probably not a one-word remark with a dialogue tag or something) doesn't really matter if it's from a character's perspective or a narrative description. I think we're ready to have at lots of types of material.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 12, 2021)

my bad.


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## Foxee (Mar 12, 2021)

Olly, I appreciate your attempts to make me better, however, from my understanding this is a "let's see how the paragraph worked" challenge and not a critique thread. 


Olly Buckle said:


> Get a bit of alliteration and lose 'like art'.


Nope. This was meant to show her confusion rather than saying that she is confused. I'd rather have that than the alliteration.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 13, 2021)

*NEW PROMPT:*

I'm loath to see this thread faltering! Here's one of mine fresh off the press. 

_Reverend Thompson pulled up in a rickety old horse and carriage, two large wooden wheels at the back and two smaller wheels at the front. He sat bolt upright in the open top package crate. The horse looked weary, as if it knew it carried a messenger of weight. The leather of the elevated seat squeaked on rusted springs as Reverend Thompson stepped down. Green Wellington boots squelched in the mud. He adjusted a floppy khaki-coloured hat atop a cliff face, his eyes potholes, nose craggy and mouth a cool, calm pool. Smile already installed, he approached Blake’s farm, a man in black, white collar a grin at his throat. There couldn’t be a more definitive representation of a country reverend, with the biblical sandwiched between the rustic. His finger habitually tapped a bible. A rhythmical, hypnotic beat, a subliminal indication of where the enthralled should meet._


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## Taylor (Mar 13, 2021)

I hope I did this right...

Perched upright on the stanhope leather buggy seat, Reverend Thompson was carried by red spoke wheels and sheltered by a worn black canopy.  A ray of sun broke through a rip and highlighted the bible he held tightly.  The binding was now damp from the grasp of the gentle brown hand.  His other hand wiped the hot, nervous sweat from his brow. The driver jerked the reins backwards, and the horse stopped abruptly with a parched neigh, dropping its head in preparation for a drink from the trough below. A waft of fresh manure smell intensified as the Reverend stepped down into the wet mud splashing up onto his boots. _Glad I remembered my green Wellingtons, _he thought.  Adjusting his clerical black coat and white-collar, he proudly prepared himself for the sermon.  It was Blake’s farm.  It had been awhile.


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## Foxee (Mar 16, 2021)

I'll mention since we're commenting on how these paragraphs work that the original paragraph sounds like it is from the POV of someone watching the reverend arrive who doesn't particularly like or trust the reverend. The 'potholes' for eyes give this minister of the soul such marked soullessness that I wanted to keep that if that is the intent.

I found it hard to know if this 'carriage' was a carriage or a wagon. The first I think is more carefully shaped, the second is a box on wheels, essentially. The differing size wheels are the main indication to me that it is a 'carriage' but when the description termed it an 'open topped package crate' I thought it was a wagon again. For my paragraph I'll go with the 'carriage' idea.

The preacher's open-topped carriage pulled up, the gray horse drooping between its shafts as though carrying the weight of its master's message through the mud. The Reverend Thompson sat bolt upright at the reins, eyes potholed under a floppy khaki hat. Rusted springs squeaked as he stepped down, green wellington boots ready for the weather, white collar gleaming. He approached the house, smile in place on the crags of his hawk-nosed face. As he walked his finger tapped a hypnotic beat on the Bible he held, a subliminal indication of where the enthralled should meet.

ETA: If this is intended to be in the backwoods USA the term 'carriage' should probably be replaced by 'buggy'. (Just now realized this a day after writing the above paragraph.)


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## Kent_Jacobs (Mar 17, 2021)

Foxee said:


> I'll mention since we're commenting on how these paragraphs work that the original paragraph sounds like it is from the POV of someone watching the reverend arrive who doesn't particularly like or trust the reverend. The 'potholes' for eyes give this minister of the soul such marked soullessness that I wanted to keep that if that is the intent.
> 
> I found it hard to know if this 'carriage' was a carriage or a wagon. The first I think is more carefully shaped, the second is a box on wheels, essentially. The differing size wheels are the main indication to me that it is a 'carriage' but when the description termed it an 'open topped package crate' I thought it was a wagon again. For my paragraph I'll go with the 'carriage' idea.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I'll be doing a little research into farming and 'buggies' when I get the first write through finished. What I've taken from this paragraph is 'RESEARCH'! lol


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## RGS (Dec 2, 2021)

Darrowdale. The very name invoked a certain feeling, that familiar sensation among the villagers as they arose to face another day. The sights, the sounds, the smells. It all conspired to reinforce that feeling of belonging as they gazed upon the surrounding mountain peaks, those grand guardians of the Eldmoore valley, lit up like fire by the early morning sun. The cockerel heralded another day of life as the brisk, cool breeze carried the promise of a new beginning.


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