# House of Invisible Viruses



## Angel101 (Jun 26, 2011)

(Removed by author...)


----------



## Squalid Glass (Jun 27, 2011)

It's 2 am and I have work in 3 hours, so I don't know how much help I can be, but here are my thoughts.




Angel101 said:


> House of Invisible Viruses
> 
> Porcelain windows live in ovals
> around this house with shutters
> ...


----------



## Angel101 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thanks for going through it for me.

However, those isolated letters aren't really meant as a clue to what this is about. They're meant to structurally show the process of being exposed (naked) if that makes any sense. AZT is a drug meant to slow down the transition from HIV to AIDS, by the way.


----------



## Squalid Glass (Jun 27, 2011)

Hmm. Well, I still think your language itself is effective enough. I'd be curious to see what others think.


----------



## J.R. MacLean (Jun 27, 2011)

I didn't notice the acrostics at first, but for what it is worth I agree with SG; they are gimmicky and introduce an awkwardness into the wording. I would like to see it end with "We will make our exit now", which seems to fit better with the overall tone and the inclusive phrasing that precedes it. Maybe the word 'positive' could be worked in earlier. Ending on it, particularly with yet another point of view ( Our, you, I) is jarring in a show-offy kind of way.

cheers
J.R.


----------



## Angel101 (Jun 27, 2011)

I appreciate the suggestions and opinions; however, I'm _not _changing those aspects. Any other suggestions are welcome. And again, it's not that I don't appreciate what you guys are saying. But it's not something I'm willing to edit.


----------



## Angel101 (Jun 28, 2011)

Not sure you meant to post that twice--haha--but thanks. I'm still debating that last line right now. Even though it's important to me and I like it, sometimes you have to make cuts where you don't want to.


----------



## Bachelorette (Jun 29, 2011)

A very interesting read. Personally, I like the acrostics; they don't seem gimmicky to me. 

I know you said you were torn on whether or not to cut the last line. Maybe instead of splitting it, you could say:



> You will make your exit now, I’m positive.



See, I agree with Foxy that "I'm positive" isn't a very strong ending just hanging out there all by itself. But if you merge the last two bits into a single line, I think it reads better, because you don't have that enormous pause from the line break putting so much heavy emphasis on "I'm positive."

Anyway. Just a thought.


----------



## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2011)

This is a very strong, well written poem.I loved stanza 5.I get the feeling that this is a very personal poem and I feel an underlying tension in your carefully selected words.--Thanks for sharing,   Peace--Jul


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Jun 29, 2011)

Bay, love, I don't have sufficient time at the moment to properly crit, I say leave the last line in and where it is, it ties in with the acrostics perfectly if I'm correct about its duality. I'll be back when time permits, hon.

Me


----------



## Bachelorette (Jun 29, 2011)

Chester'sDaughter said:


> I say leave the last line in and where it is, it ties in with the acrostics perfectly *if I'm correct about it's duality.*



I did not even catch that; I can't believe I missed it. I think you are right, Lisa, in which case, I agree: let it be.


----------



## Bloggsworth (Jun 29, 2011)

I think the acrostic would be fine if it wasn't so overt - Forget the spaces and let the reader find it through close reading.
_
And we see
nothing but shadows.  _Leave out the _And

_I'm not sure about the ending, is it a self-reference to the AIDS you've already signalled, or the certainty of a departure? Perhaps it's to subtle for me.


----------



## Angel101 (Jun 29, 2011)

Thanks everyone.

Bachelorette: Thank you for taking time to comment and leave me suggestions. Always appreciated.

Lisa: Yes, you caught that. Double meaning there. First, it's talking about certainty, yes, in the certainty of society's fear of HIV. And second, it's referring to being HIV positive.

Firemajic: Thank you for your kind words. All of my pieces are very personal in one way or another. 

Bloggworth: Thank you for you suggestions. As stated before, there is double meaning in the ending. And as for the spaced acrostic, they're like that to structurally create "exposure." So double meaning there as well.


----------



## wood (Jun 29, 2011)

well, very well constructed.  really i have only one or nits, but i'll get to those

Our eyes lick its reflection,
shave off the skin to peek in
the skeletal lock. And we see
nothing but shadows.  -  great foreshadowing, perked my ears up

Floorboards bitten, walls with handprint bruises,
broken fuses. Glass is collected 
on the inside, and inside, 
we are too perfect for this place.  -  more foreshadowing, delivering doom at a steady pace, very nice

A faceless man is twirling hours
on a clock across the hall
with hands like crinkled paper,
spitting whispers in rhythmic ticks
that race to the roof. 
This is my house. This is my house.  -  this is just a great stanza, period

the acrostics in this poem don't bother me, i think they add a structural quality, especially since you are literally building a house out of words. gimicky or not, it doesn't bother me.  however, i really didn't like the ending line.  it's very playful and cute, a cuteness that might work in a south park skit, but in this poem i just find it to be mocking.  i feel that it really damages the seriousness of the poem, i think it ruins the build-up you created (the stuff i pointed out).  i don't think it make a good twist.

this is awesome work, one of your best (that i've read anyway)  i really do hope you reconcider the ending.

wood


----------



## Angel101 (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you, wood.

The ending I'm not sure about. I don't see how it's mocking or playful at all, but obviously everyone has their own point of view. For me, it was a very serious way to end this piece. But I'm conflicted between what I feel and what everyone else is feeling. Because I don't think what I'm feeling there is coming across to everyone. And I'm trying to get past the emotional attachment I have to that line and really look at what it's doing for the poem, but that's hard for me. I'll let it be and come back to it, I think.


----------



## wood (Jun 30, 2011)

that's ok, i completely understand, it has happened to me many many times.  take your time think it over.  in the end it's your decision.


----------



## Bloggsworth (Jun 30, 2011)

Angel101 said:


> And as for the spaced acrostic, they're like that to structurally create "exposure." So double meaning there as well.



I can understand the desire for a sense of isolation, but it has the unfortunate appearance of a typo, or 6 typos. The idea is as original as I have seen, but doesn't quite come off for me.

The poem has a jewel-like brilliance which belies its core and ending.


----------



## Foxryder (Jun 30, 2011)

Angel101 said:


> Not sure you meant to post that twice--haha--but thanks. I'm still debating that last line right now. Even though it's important to me and I like it, sometimes you have to make cuts where you don't want to.


 
Hey Angel, I didn't mean to double-post my comment. But it's an added plus anyway Tell you what, just like wood rightly said, you're author of your work. We're sometimes attached to certain lines for their personal values to us. It's only advisable to change them when the reason(s) are useful and don't come off as mere notions alone. I wouldn't say more than this, because I trust your sense of judgement. My open secret: I will still love to read the poem whichever way it finally pans out. We're all stuck on a few lines after all.


----------



## SilverMoon (Jun 30, 2011)

Firstly, I feel differently than the others about your use of anagram (Aids). However, (ZT) is too obsure for most people to get. I know of a great writer who employed "word games". Use of anagrams portmanteas, neologisms, onomonpieas, visual onomonoieas and endless other word plays. You know him, too. Lewis Carroll. 

Bay, if you employed more of these tricks in a poem I think it would be more effective. A brilliant member who once posted here nearly created his own genre, sticking strickly to the figuring out but not without sacrificing meaning. Most here could not deny he was an unhindged genius. Some feeble sort cruelly mocked one of his gems and he bowed out, protecting the integrety of his work. I'm sorry for that and don't suggest others follow his lead. He's been published in countless literary journals. And continues.

You have a great flair for the abstract and would suggest you study the art of innuendo. I have the "Annotated Alice" so I'm a big cheat, getting to understand Carroll's intents.



> where stars come to breathe silk.



I could go on about your imagery. Exampled. Need I say more?

Looking forward to your next. Laurie


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Jun 30, 2011)

I don't think the ending is playful at all, Bay, but I'm just one person. I do think it's incredibly clever, though. As Wood pointed out, you did a wonderful job with the foreshadowing, way to keep 'em riveted, and your imagery was pure you, which is a great thing, sorry, I can never say what I mean, my thoughts just don't translate into words very well unless I burst a vessel. S5 is freaking fantastic, gave me the willies, some fine writing there. As for the acrostics, initially, I disliked them, but they've grown on me. I do think, however, that they would still be easy to grasp without the extra spacing as the surrounding lines are uncapped for the most part. Those spaces are a bit intrusive and are cause for unwanted pauses, the eyes know they aren't supposed to be there and balk. But that is just my opinion. Another piece that's gotten under my skin, if you keep this up, there'll be no room left for me in here, in other words, you done real good, hon.

Me


----------

