# [Comedy/Parody] TV Ball.  You're first taste of Will Ohirko (LANGUAGE)



## Will_Ohirko (Jan 12, 2011)

These are some concepts for a story I am writing or at least exploring the idea of, if there's any kind of thoughts you have with it feel free to express them. 

I'm not that good, but I have good ideas.

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TV BALL CONCEPTS GO!

*TV BALL ORIGINS:*

Picture an inner-city like any other in  midland America, run entirely by powerful corporate empires that barely  exist in the city aside from factories and their estates _up the way_.


The  season is spring, and although many parts of the continent may have  some snow fall, this particular 'zone' does not suffer such plight. All  of this information however is irregardless of the potential problems of  this city, one such problem being the amount of children constantly in  and out of high school with absolutely no goals in life besides sitting  on a porch and guessing if the person walking by is a man or a woman or  Mr. Shackle.




“People,  this is an ever growing problem and I for one have been getting heat  from the city council.” Mr. Peters slammed his fist against the long  poor crafted table that they all gathered around during their City  Organizer meetings. “We need to get this shit hole back together and  it's gotta be fast.”


Mr.  Peters was trying his best to seem genuine and not just playing up  potential hidden cameras lodged in the walls waiting for the opportunity  to fire him on the spot.  


“Dammit people, is there nothing we can do!?” He pleads with his fellow SOL's.


“We've done everything we can, the problem is the kids, they're terrible fucking SOB's.” A fat man retorts.


“Lardo's  got a point, Peters. We've tried everything we can, we've arranged  functions and forced traditions, forced land marks. Those little  bastards ruin everything we put out there!”


“Let's stop focusing on what's not working, what do we have, I know it's not a lot,”


“You  got that right, 'cause all you're looking at in terms of “inventory” is  broken appliances and smoke stained clothes from house fires without  survivors.”


Mr.  Peters slammed his hands down again in frustration roaring at his  dilemma, “The fuck can we do with a pile of fucking odorous work boots  and technology that was brand new when WWII was on the horizon!”


He  let out one final scream and kicked at a small appliance that was left  at his feet. The boxy TV traveled a short distance rolling and chugging  against the friction and gravity holding it back from gaining any  significant momentum.
Peter's bit his lip to the point he felt like blood would be drawn and then an absolute miracle happened in his mind, _an epiphany_.


“Wait....”


The others around the table looked at Peter's with an awe struck concern above any other sort of reaction.


“I've  got it, I've fucking got it!” Peterson exclaims punching the air and  clasping his fist like a super villain, “We're going to organize a  sports league, a recreational league!”


“We've  been over this before, we don't have the money, all sports require a  monetary investment. They won't give us money for toilet paper for our  building which will become a bingo hall in the next 20 minutes. Why do  you think they'd give us money for something like that, something that  might not even work.”


“Again, Lardo's right Peters, it's not gonna happen.”


“No, Rich, it WILL happen!” Peters replied with a maniacal laugh which causes the group some distress.


“We have _everything _we need right here!”


“Peters....”
“Gentlemen, I present to you, TV Ball.”


The group responded with a resounding “Uhhh....”


But  Peters' mind was already fully set in motion, and even though they  couldn't see it he was determined to make them see the light. He pulled  out a scrap piece of paper and took a pen from his jacket pocket, with  these two instruments he scribbled out the basis for what would be his  dream to reform “the whole fucking community” as Peters' put it.


The men and women around the room one by one were opened up to the idea of Peters' sport.


In  Peters' mind the children would be donned in heavy metal toe work  boots, and the ball in TV Ball would a TV that is otherwise a heavy box  with a screen impervious to shattering. The rules were just ringing  inside his head and he rattled them off to his colleagues he furiously  began to take notes.  
The  playing field would be the large vacant lot that has been unused since  all those Native American graves were desecrated there and the land was  cursed.
It's  a P.R. Nightmare to place a Wal-Mart there but hell if they can't  operate and children's recreational sports league in it's place instead.


The  fat man speaks up as Peters takes a moment to catch his breath and bask  in his genius, “These kids aren't gonna wanna kick a TV around for 3  hours instead of shooting each other, Peters, what could possible  convince them of wanting to?”


“Lardo  has a good point, these kid's have more entertaining things going on  than this.” The Fat Man glares over at the younger, slimmer Richard who  looks the spitting image of a shyster car dealer.


“The  kids are fucking retards, all we have to do is convince them this shit  has been around forever. That it is in their legacy! those idiots tattoo  foreign word on themselves all the time. Just tell them the orients did  it.”


The fat man was about to speak but then shifted his eyes over at Rich and stopped himself from speaking his point.


“Not  all of the children are obsessed with the soft core porn, the  grotesquely rendered people with awful hair.” The woman around the group  remarks.


“That's  a great point Jane, we'll have to lure the rest over with a sort of  rivalry appeal.” Rich said smiling over at the young brunette woman  completely ignoring the fat man's disgust.


“Oh,  that's easy....” Peters sneers as he looks out the building's ground  level large glass panel over looking the Asian massage parlor and an  ugly little shack.


*FIRST TV BALL GAME PLAYED: 

*The Scottish coach and the Asian coach are playing one of their first games of TV Ball.


The  children lined up on either side of each other, not even sure what to  expect. One thing was certain though, their blood was boiling and their  adrenalin was pumping hard against their gritted teeth and insane  brotherhood.


The  referee (an old man just happy to be involved) stands with his eyes  square firmly on the TV in the center of the square-like field. The turn out  was amazing, they even had the guys who called the local dog shows  calling the first ever Inner-city TV Ball game.
The  old mans hand was ready to swing down like a pendulum and promptly  disconnect at the shoulder which would instantly cause the whistle to go  off.




“Hey Steve?”


“What's that, Mark?”


“Nothing, I'm just geared up for, the _FIRST _ever game of TV Ball. A sport that is sure to entertain the 10 or so people who were able to find chairs!”


“You've got that right Mark, and of course every game of TV Ball is brought to you in part by Wang's Massage Parlor, _May you have a happy ending, all time_.”


“I guarantee a happy ending tonight Steve, there's no way anyone will go home unhappy.”


“I  think you're right Mark, and I think the girls visiting from the  Massage parlor will make sure of that” Steve remarks at the young Asian  women standing in front of small blue mobile. hospital looking tents




The  old ref who is clearly around 70 years of age and struggling with  advanced joint complications screams the two teams to the ready. “ARE  YOU READY!?”
In  unison the children raise their arms in a roaring succession, and with  that the first whistle signaling the beginning of a new age was sounded.  The age, of TV Ball.


The  children clambered against each other rocking each others side with  bone crushing hits and shin bruising kicks. When out of no where young  Billy Kingston gets a clear shot at the TV and gives it a leg crumpling  kick causing his whole leg to tense up and burn intensely.


Billy folded to the ground writhing in pain as the other children attempted to play past him and break free of the group.


“You pray, you pray hardar! No prain no grame!” The Asian coach scolds his player from his place on the side lines.




“At first I thought we'd have had our first injury timeout, but it looks like Kingston is gonna play through it.”


“That's one tough kid, Steve.”


“He  definitely gets it from his Father, Mr. Kingston took the brunt of two  tazers and over THIRTEEN tactical beanbag shots to the torso during a  domestic disturbance call last night!”


“Not  only that Steve, but Mr. Kingston was actually just released from jail  after serving 24 hours on the initial arrest and he's here TONIGHT  watching his son play the game he would have played when he was a kid.”




After  the announcement was heard over the radio transmitter mic, a fat and  hairy man in a white wife beater stood up cheering, with the rest of the  crowd chanting some drunken nonsense. Next to the fat hairy man was his  wife, a fat hairy lady sporting a black eye and battered complexion.




“I think it's safe to say most of the people here played a game not-unlike TV Ball, but the money just wasn't there at the time.”


“Absolutely right Steve, these kid's are getting the opportunity of a life time!”




CRACK


Most  of the children partaking in the game were suffering from severe shin  splits and all sorts of shock trauma to the legs from winding up so hard  and kicking the TV while there feet and legs shifted inside their  boots.


After  nearly 30 minutes of straight game play without a whistle the TV had  barely made it much of a ways away from the center of the field where  the game has started. However it was little more than a blood sport at  this point, the children had become exhausted from beating each other  thoroughly and expelling extra effort kicking a TV across an uneven  terrain.


As  they lay on the field gassed, barely able to stand up straight even  though weighted solidly by the boots which dug into the ground some.


The  referee was growing impatient so he blew his whistle which got a  resounding roar from the crowd and then the coaches started to scream  inaudible foul and vulgar things.




“Well that'll take us to half-time, Mark! The girls from the massage parlor will be serving freebies during the break!”


“What an intense game so far, these kids are leaving nothing on the field.”


“Their coaches must be pleased with their performance.”


“Oh I don't know, these two are notorious for being non-player coaches Steve.”


“The constant array of verbal and physical abuse is a tell tale sign of an intense will to win, Mark.”




“You wee little girls, you call that kicking a TV!? You don't even care do you? MY FATHER DIED FOR THIS SPORT, I SPIT ON YOU.”




“The  noise coming from the Scottish camp is saying they need to sure up the  defense and everything else will fall into place. They are certain they  can clinch out a tight victory, Steve.”




“You  say you want pray game!? HUH!? HUH!?” The Asian coach screams and then  whips out a back scratcher and starts whipping his heavily fatigued and  dehydrated players.




“I  couldn't make out too much of the Asian camp's thoughts on the first  half, but the back scratcher is a good sign of things to come, Mark.”










“Well it looks like the kids are ready to take the field for the second half, I'm getting chills Steve.”


“Absolutely Mark, this has been a very successful inaugural game of truly one of the greatest sports in my lifetime.”

“I couldn't say it better myself, but, we still have a second half to play!”




Down  on the field likely only 4 of the original 20 children from both sides  were even ready to take the field, half of the crowd has dispersed after  receiving their freebie from the massage girls. One of the larger boys  jogged up doggedly to the TV while no others were standing and gave it  the hardest kick any child had given it all night.  


The  crack sounded hard, and echoed against the early evening. Even louder  was the blood curdling scream that the young man exhibited after the  kick landed. The TV rolled an astounding 5 ft in no certain direction.


The referee blew the whistle which was mostly to scold the young man for something he thought he heard him say.


“And that's game!”


“That  second half just flew by, Mark, but it's a definitely a telling sign of  what we can expect the next time we see these teams again take the  field.”


“I  agree, and I just want to take this time to thank both teams, and on  behalf of the broadcast group we wanna thank Wang's Massage Parlor,  where we hope you happy ending all time.”


“Well said. On behalf of Mark, Myself, and all the beautiful Vietnamese women, goodnight and see you tomorrow!”

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If you like this particular style of anti-social writing you may like to read more which will eventually be posted on my "blog":
Will Ohirko

Thanks for reading, if you want me to check out something of yours give me a heads up!


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## christianncg (Jan 12, 2011)

This would be the kind of book i would write, although what time period is this in? if it's future, then i think this sounds a lot like "Idiocracy", my friend. A good concept, but one that might of already been used :\ feel free to check out some of my work, if you like


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## Will_Ohirko (Jan 12, 2011)

christianncg said:


> This would be the kind of book i would write, although what time period is this in? if it's future, then i think this sounds a lot like "Idiocracy", my friend. A good concept, but one that might of already been used :\ feel free to check out some of my work, if you like


 
It's generally meant to be basic contemporary time line, barely any liberties taken as far as that goes. I've never seen/read/viewed "Idiocracy" so I can't say I can see the similarities.
However this is all just rough concepts of something I shit out last night and early this morning, I'm just looking to ease my way into a writing group atmosphere basically.

However I will check out your work too, if you have something specific you should tell me. If not I'll likely just pick the first thing I see.


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## christianncg (Jan 12, 2011)

Half-breed is the only work i do here. its only three chapters, and i shit (post) by chapter. they should all be on the first page, so yeah.
Idiocracy is a movie that depicts the future in five hundred years from now, saying that we get incredibly stupid.. well, google it lol. Still, i thought it was pretty funny though xD


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## Will_Ohirko (Jan 13, 2011)

Yeah I don't think we need to travel 500 some years into the future to find idiots. We currently have an abundant amount on hand in our current time.


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