# Unholy Mess, Redemption planned, but would you care enough to spend twenty bucks....



## Stubborn (Sep 19, 2010)

So I was thinking of writing a book about the first 41 years of my life. In order to chronical some unfortunate happenings and set the stage for the second half of my life, allow me to give you some background, and maybe it would be best done in bullet point style.... 

* I was so very in love with a girl in college that I wasted the whole experience trying desperately to have her love me as well. I was miserable in college and for some time afterwards because of this situation.

* At age thirty or so I developed epididymitis. It literally felt like lighting was striking my testicles. This went on for about 6 years. Its much better now but it was a living hell. I flew around the country looking for doctors to help, no one ever figured it out but thank God that condition is largely gone. 

* At age thirty six I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondilytis which is a painful arthritic disease. The best medicines available currently do not work. I take vicoden and tramadol daily to reduce the pain. I basically live in pain. Luckily, to be honest, its not _that_ terrible most of the time and I still work and exercise. It IS a massive distraction and a shame, but many have it much worse and I will live.

* I was engaged for three years but because of the illnesses gained alot of wieght, and I cannot say we were really in love so that fell apart. My last girlfriend was terrific and came the closest to being what I really want. However, given my illnesses I didnt want to start a family and she very much did. This woman is still a friend but the passion is gone. 

* I am broke. Very broke. I recall in about 2006 I had about 60k saved in my retirement funds and stocks. The valuation of these stocks plummeted, well I guess it was more of a slow downward spiral. I would periodically sell off the stock to pay debt.

* I am disenchanted with my work. I am a bankruptcy lawyer. I literally am going to file my OWN bankruptcy in the near future, the very definition of irony. This is stark evidence that things are not going well for my business and that what I planned for myself has not worked. 

Ok so those are the bullet point summaries of what is wrong. I am 41, I am alone, I am broke, I am ill. I recall specifically that last year on my 40th birthday, that only my parents called, and I could not afford to do something significant like go to Las Vegas or whatever. Something about that bothered me greatly. 

Heres the thing though, I get a huge kick out of life. On the positive side I am an intellectual and enjoy reading and browsing the internet. I have a wonderfull family including three beautifull little nieces and nephews. I can still work and exercise and enjoy life. I have some good friends. I am very proud of the fact that ALL of my clients get good legal service at a fair rate. I am a good lawyer. The business side of it is definitely lacking but I am a good lawyer. I am also a good looking man. Im lucky in that respect. I am also bright, very bright, and have a genius level IQ. 

So, I just want to make sure the second half of my life goes better than the first. I want to lead an examined life. I want to have goals and enjoy myself and whatever time I have left. I want to be a professional poker player in addition to practicing law. Toward these ends, I thought that I might start a journal. Then I thought maybe I should share it by writing about it. I am very determined about having a successful and happy existance the rest of the way. I want to write about redemption and conquering lifes challenges. 


I was wondering if this is something any of you would find a good read. I mean, to a certain extent I can see we all have challenges in life, and its not that my situation is unduly heroic. I wouldnt want it to be a book of whining and idle dreaming. I would want to make it a good read as well. I would want to sort of take people with me as I fight my way to a more meaningful existance. I havent written anything for an audience in a very long time, so Im sure my style, grammer, and construction all need work. I dont think I could sit and bang out something good, I think it would take alot of work.

Anyway, Im new to the forum and this is my first post. Be gentle, or Ill kick you in the nuts. Also, forgive my grammatical errors, this computer is a disaster, never buy an Hp laptop. Many of these keys do not work including the apostrophe and the question mark.

Btw mods if you want to move this to Writing Discussion go ahead, wherever you think it belongs is fine with me. It is a book idea rather than an actual piece of writing. Thanks.


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## LWilliam (Sep 20, 2010)

Stubborn,

Well . . . hmm . . . uh . . . DAMN, dude!

My loose incisor crown doesn't seem so serious now! :-s

Certainly, you have plenty to write about! Given some clues, I suspect writing will provide as much peace-of-mind as prosperity, if you're interested in the latter, and I'm sure you know that.

I have three score and four years of people-watching and listening between my ears and it seems to me that maybe a _fictional_ novel, based on your life, or segments of it, as that of the protagonist, would be of interest.

I share your Socratic view of the unexamined or, in your case, the examined life. His 'Allegory of the Cave,' as reported by Plato, although not one of my favorites initially, became one when the analogies to the human experience, religious, political, and social, became apparent. But, it seems that you, at the age of thirty or thereabouts, stopped staring at the shadows on the wall out of necessity.

I wish you luck in your choices but I firmly believe that, published or not, writing will provide you some remedy. I look forward to your writings - I'm sure they will be educational as well as entertaining!

BTW, are you, by chance, a fellow member of Mensa®?
Regards,
Bill

P.S.: If you kick me in the nuts, I won't feel it - I'm married. (Sweetheart, if you're reading this over my shoulder, I'm just kidding!) :neutral:


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## thetadpoleangel (Sep 20, 2010)

Firstly, thankyou for the Post Stubborn. I enjoyed this slightly confessional, mildly hypothetical piece. 

Would _you_ want to read about _you_?

An interest and engagement in one's own life, and a willingness to examine our mundane minutiae are certainly excellent starting points! Taking passengers along for a ride, albeit one towards a destination of meaning and purpose, is surely worthwhile. The product in this case may be the least important consideration, too, as LWilliam said the writing process itself, and the little moments of bright illumination you are sure to have along the way will prove fruitful at any rate.

All it takes is one entertaining and acutely observed moment and a reader (myself included) is hooked. It sounds to me like you may have a cache of many. Now go! To pen and paper with you! They will not wait.

T


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## Stubborn (Sep 20, 2010)

LWilliam, I have not joined Mensa. The IQ test was done in high school. I had poor grades and was being tracked into moron classes. My parents knew I was smart so they insisted I get tested. After that they had to put me in the "Gifted Program." As it turned out, I could not hear and needed an ear operation, and that was the reason I was doing poorly.

Why do you think a fiction novel 'based on the life' would be better? I am concerned with the economics of it. I realize that being published is a long shot, but want to at least try. 

tapoleangel. I cannot start my book yet because I need to file for bankrutpcy. I dont want the book to be an asset in my bankrutpcy case. In any event I have way too much to do, to I dont have time to write atm, I will most likely start in a month or so (after my case is filed).

Some of the items which I feel might be of interest are: the bankrutpcy practice, I have amazing stories here. the poker, there are alot of interesting things that go on in the poker world, the illnesses, I have alot to say about how life gets when dealing with the medical establishment, the women, I have had some very attractive partners, mostly this has been a disaster but I cannot say it has not been interesting. But that's the past. 

How would it flow to your mind? My first temptation is to pick a reminiscence and start there with an attached commitment or plan for the future relative that item. 

I think the book could start at my own bankruptcy hearing. I mean, a bankruptcy lawyer filing for bankruptcy is full of irony and may grab the readers attention at the outset. What say you?


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## LWilliam (Sep 20, 2010)

*"As it turned out, I could not hear and needed an ear operation"*

Hmm . . . the plot thickens. Your story gets interestinger and interestinger. Did just one ear go bad or both at the same time?

*"Why do you think a fiction novel 'based on the life' would be better?"*

As thetadpoleangel summed up, "The product in this case may be the least important consideration, too, as LWilliam said the writing process itself, and the little moments of bright illumination you are sure to have along the way will prove fruitful at any rate."

I'm not a shrink or a professional counselor; however, seems to me that, writing a fiction novel, based on a segment of your life, or based upon a specific thread throughout your life, would not only allow introspection, as thetadpoleangel suggested, but, psychologically and emotionally deemed a work of fiction in the writer's mind, such writing could lead to new options for the future not previously imagined by the writer. Or not. 

On the other hand, documenting your life in non-fictional detail to this point, including those events about which we don't yet know, could result in skepticism by publishers and readers who remember the "A Million Little Pieces" scandal.

As you stated, *"I am 41, I am alone, I am broke, I am ill."* but, on the positive side, *"I am a good lawyer. I am also a good looking man . . . I am also bright, very bright, and have a genius level IQ." *Such juxtaposed considerations might be wrought in a fictional account - again, based on the most significant events in your life, from your perspective - and serve a double purpose, i.e. a good read for others and perhaps direction for the second half of your life.

BTW, what is the standard for a genius-level I.Q. or is there a standard?
Regards,
Bill


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## Stubborn (Sep 20, 2010)

William I don't know the formal definition of genius. I thought I remembered that it was 140. In any event that was the minimum required for this gifted program I was moved into. My only point is that I'v very capable, even given these challenges, to make a success of things. 

My ears both needed "tubes." When I was young I would get all these ear infections and the "tubes" were designed to let the ear drain properly. I think its a very common condition and surgery. Anyway I see and hear fine. That's the problem. Alot of what I see and hear in my job is not particularly pleasant. Its a "_doctor in my eyes_" Jackson Browne kind of thing.   

*Thank you* for your thoughts man.


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## LWilliam (Sep 20, 2010)

Yep, as soon as I saw the word, "tubes," I recalled that one of my young nephews and, in fact, more recently, my unofficially adopted grandson, needed the same type of treatment for their ears.
Best of Luck,
Bill


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## thetadpoleangel (Sep 21, 2010)

Starting, as your life seems to be collapsing, is as you put it, quite an ironic attention grabber. Not to get all forest-for-the-trees here, but what would you like this book to _say_, per se?

I think when you have a definable purpose for starting in the first place, the content of your book might follow quiet easily. Who is the audience? Book shoppers will have a choice - pick up your book, or pick up the one similar that's sitting by it's side. They're not entirely sure what they're looking for, so they pick up both book and read the blurb...

What will yours say to them???

Just a few questions I'll throw out there, for lazy consideration on a sunday afternoon. Hell, maybe even at 3am on a tuesday with a half-eaten box of doughnuts and an empty beer can. 

T


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## Stubborn (Sep 23, 2010)

I suppose the answer will be to never give up on your life, and that you can work hard and make it through a crisis. That I may be knocked down temporarily but Im coming back swinging in all facets of life. I think many would identify with the outrageous cost and poor delivery of medical care. I think many would also identify with the economic downturn that turned savings in stocks into worthless mush and put most upside down on their mortgages. 

I have alot to say about the economic playing field that we all suffer in the USA lately, and it only figures to get worse as we try to figure out how to pay for all these wars and bailouts in the midst of record numbers reaching retirement age. Simultaneousy, I did make misakes, big ones, and I think much of my book could be a cautionairy tale. Likewise many of my clients stories serve as cautionary tales with mistakes being made. So its not as if I have this ultra liberal proletarian view that the little guy can do no wrong. 


Basically, I want to say look how screwed up this is, and look how I screwed up, but now look how I took an honest inventory of the situation and my mistakes, and made a change. In getting from A to B I think I can also provide funny and entertaining commentary. Honestly, Ive injured people with my comedy at times, Ill make your pancreas fall out. 

But maybe thats not quite right either as to what I want to say. The reason is that the point of the journey is not to arrive. In otherwords, learning to live debt free and be *free* on a daily basis, is just as rewarding as that day twenty years from now when my savings reach X$, ya know.

I want people to think that they will have a good time, hear a good story or twenty, AND learn something about perserverance by purchasing my book.


Thanks for your thoughts as well tadpole. The idea of fiction, in order to open my mind to possiblities, is fascinating. I would bet that would work to generate a ton of good ideas. Its as simple as wouldnt it be cool if...... and then I would think to myself, well, why not ................ And that might open up some very interesting doors. Then again, if I end up as a porcine bisexual circus performer in Biloxi, Im holding you responsible.


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## Stubborn (Oct 1, 2010)

One giant step for me. Mankind remains uneffected. 

Like millions of others, I filed for bankruptcy protection yesterday. I feel a tremendous sense of relief, and I am gratefull that I live in a place where one can be given a second chance. 

Allthough I have helped thousands file bankruptcy, I had never been on this side of the fence. Driving home from my lawyer's office I had some thoughts. Foremost amoung those are that I never want to be in debt again. This will involve making a simple, but difficult, change to the way I go about life. I have made a simple committment to never, and I mean never, go into debt again. The only exception would be if I somehow end up needing emergency medical treatment. Otherwise, whatever it is, it will have to wait until I can afford it. From Starbucks coffee to car repairs to food to books to dinners out to pet zebras, from A-Z, for all of it. No present ability to pay for it means no purchase. This rule is as simple as it is difficult to follow, but I intend to try my best. 

I still owe taxes and my law firm still has business debts which must be paid, but assuming my case goes through I am about 50k lighter today than I was yesterday. Ask me how I ran up that much? For the love of God I still don't know how that happened. I haven't been on vacation for a year and half, there are no big screen tvs on my card. The card(s) was used for everything. I simply charged my life. I did pay what I could each month. But I have been so down these last few years over my illness that I haven't generated much income, when you don't feel well its easier to stick your head in the sand and think that mabye next month will be better. It is amazing how fast balances grow when all you do is pay the miniums. 

Taking on credit card debt is like bringing home a baby lion. So cute and comforting and convenient. Then one day you turn your back and it mauls you. Never again. 

I feel good today, and I have not felt good about anything in a very long time. I screwed up so very badly but I have been doing my best for a long time and making no progress with the balances. I feel like I have a future now. It is humiliating, and I should have known better, but I am ready to put it _behind me_. My court hearing is in a month. That will be uncomfortable to say the least, because I am a proud guy but this needed to happen. 

I hope to remain cognizant of the second chance I have been given, and to use that to motivate me to continue doing a great job for my own bankruptcy clients.

I also went to the doctor for my arthritis. She wants to do a whole bunch of expensive tests like MRIs etc, etc. I explained my new reluctance to spend without ability to pay and she understood. It is fortuitous that there is no present need for these tests. She agreed to see me in 6 months to let me get on my feet financially, and agreed to extend my pain med prescriptions in the interim. She is a sharp lady, and I suspect she knows that people with chronic disease are better off without debt than with, she realizes that life stress over debt cannot help. I'm down with that and I'm down with her for understanding.

So that is where I am, I have taken the first step toward *reclaiming* my life. I am gratefull and determined. Thanks for listening.


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## Stubborn (Nov 18, 2010)

*Fate Immediately Tests My Resolve- Fate told to Suck It*

So, after filing my bankruptcy and going to my bankruptcy hearing, fate immediately rogers me in the ass by having the transmission on my car break. How will he react, will he get a loan? Will he take advantage of the 'we know you just filed bankruptcy and its ok we still like you' buy here pay here car outfits?

No, nonononnonon no. Suck it. I'll take the bus. It's ironic that the car would break right as I file bankruptcy, because this car had something to do with it. In a larger sense, the products I have bought have something to do with it. Included in the expensive junk catagory, to which I have just added my car are the following: $1500 couches, three (3) motorola cell phones, an HP computer, two Ipods, ......in short every major purchase I have made as an adult has been an expensive time consuming disaster. 

Expensive and time consuming, these products are on the whole awful, and guess what corporate America? I'm not going to play anymore. You will find me on the bus wearing clothes I got at goodwill. I will not finance your junk, and I will not be a player in this economy. I bought a Dickensian timex from 1950 the other day. Someone had scratched off the gold plating. Picked it up and being an automatic made at a time when people generally cared, it still works. That's my new style, Dickensian. The watch was fifty cents at a thrift store, and it works fifty years later, my broken Audi was $25,000 and I spent at least $10,000 on maintenance.

I am certainly not perfect, and I don't think the proletarian can do no wrong, but still. Right now, in America, the vast majority of people are sitting around thinking how they are going to pay finance charges on total shit they bought. Many are upside down on homes that were wildly overpriced, for which they never should have been given a loan in the first place. 

Man, they have done one hell of a job convincing all of us that our credit rating is the end all and be all of human existence. Guess what? Fuck my credit rating and the horse it rode in on.
You don't get to juice me because of a number in some computer. You don't get to sell me a car with high interest rates because you know I can't file again for eight years. First because you just don't and second because that car you want to sell me is shit.

It feels good. I hope what I'm saying gets through to some of you, especially the younger folks just joining the economy. Be carefull, buy quality stuff and never, never, NEVER go into debt unless its absolutely necessary. I have been given a second chance. I owe this to you, listen and prosper.

I don't think Im being dramatic when I say that to be a consumer is to be a victim. There is alot to it but at bottom; there it is. I am not a Marxist, but keep your fucking hands out of my pocket.


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## Stubborn (May 15, 2011)

So far, I have lost thirty pounds and reclaimed a semblance of a social life. I have met a few women and befriended them. 

Business wise, things are improved. Not having the debt lets me market and keeps me alot less stressed. I am not where I want to be, but better off. I think alot of it is marketing weakness. It still takes an internal change. I am really good at what I do, but there is a good deal of low priced competition. It's a matter for study, and at least I am engaged in this as previously I was not as I was a bit down.

I am pleased, and in no way giving up, but the emotional/romantic side has been very difficult. I am not really getting support, but instead being used almost. I don't know it's hard to describe. I think there may be something fundamentally wrong with the way I relate to women. It's like I am good enough to hang out with, but not good enough to really be loved. 
I think I exude that vibe somehow. 

It's very deep seated, and I don't know how to change it because I am just being myself when I am being supportive. 

If I need to develop into a bit of a prick I will try that. These are good looking women, and some of them have a lot to offer, but It just seems so hard. I do think highly of myself, but somehow, my kindness gets lost in translation, and the message seems to be go ahead and walk all over me. The day I find someone who gets me, who I also love, will be a good day.

Probably should go to therapy but I don't want to do that for a few reasons. Maybe I'll just keep kissing frogs and see which one turns into a princess. 

I made a jounal called "11 months" which is full of goals I have set for myself. Everything from reading a number of books to skydiving. It's sort of a life improvement journal. Things are ok, I am very lonely however. I feel very disconnected from people, and feel misunderstood, especially by women. F it I guess. I'll keep trying.


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