# Sanity



## Sonata (Apr 2, 2015)

I have to keep writing
for my sanity
for what else would I do
I really don't know

So please if do you know
then I ask you please
to do tell me so

I think that I have to
keep writing 
you see
but it's not for you
it is only for me

Because I am selfish
and all that I write
comes straight from
my head
and 
from
my
heart​


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## midnightpoet (Apr 2, 2015)

I understand. My writings, poetry, prose and non-fiction, all help me cope with day-to-day life.  I have issues, and have been to therapists and shrinks both.  They just gave me pills that masked my symptoms and made me feel like a zombie.  Writing is the best cure.  Hang in there.


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## Sonata (Apr 2, 2015)

I don't take pills

just for my heart 
and blood pressure

But rarely for pain
because they do not help
but now and again

I wish I had something
to take it away
the pain and the heartache
that now I do feel

Because the pain that my girl's left
is terribly real​


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## aj47 (Apr 3, 2015)

Sometimes, writing is all we have to ease our hearts.  May you find peace.


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## Sonata (Apr 3, 2015)

I am finding it easier
to let words just come
instead of hiding them
inside my head
and then feeling numb

Words that are unsaid
hide too many thoughts
far too much darkness
inside my head​


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## am_hammy (Apr 3, 2015)

You're a beautiful person Sonata. May all your poems and words soothe you and find you comfort. You have a wonderful way of simply conveying strong emotions. Never ever change.

 I've said this from the beginning since joining, writing is a fantastic catharsis. It's healing and I hope it does that for you ^_^


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## Sonata (Apr 4, 2015)

When you keep words
and thoughts in your head
that are never spoken
or ever read

They rot and they fester
so deep inside
no matter how much
the pain you do hide

There are pills just for pain
and pills for sore heads
but there are no pills to take
when your soul is dead


Please do forgive me
if I keep on writing
it is all I can do
at the moment you see

The words in my head
must somehow come out
and if not on here
then please tell me where​


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## Firemajic (Apr 4, 2015)

Sonata.. I am thrilled that you stayed with your writing and your poetry. I know how devastated you are over your crushing loss... I also know how easy it is to turn inward and allow the pain to silence your joy and creativity.. I do realize that most likely you are not finding joy in writing, but my hope is that you find comfort... and later, the joy will return..     Thank you or sharing your poetry with me ...Peace my friend.. jul


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## RhythmOvPain (Apr 4, 2015)

To be able to channel your pain into a positive medium is always a good thing, but the way you express yourself through these posts is just... I'unno, magical?

 I sincerely hope that it's helping you.


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## Sonata (Apr 5, 2015)

I have to keep writing
for I have no choice
there's no-one to talk to
to hear my voice

The silence is deafening
no sound to be heard
nobody to answer
when I say a word

So I write down instead
the words in my head
that are unspoken
while my heart is
broken


I don't know if I'm wrong
to stay on this thread
but really don't know
where to do so instead

Not sure where to post
and not sure what to say
I don't even know of
the time of the day
  that it really is now
if it's day or if night

I've closed all the shutters
don't want to look out
and see anyone passing 
if they are about

In case somebody sees me
the state I am in
and then asks me why
and wants to come in

The place it is tidy
her toys all picked up
and are back in their boxes
which have no top

For I can't take away
all that reminds me
of that beautiful girl
my Pereg 
who was epi​


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## Nellie (Apr 5, 2015)

Oh, Sonata, I weep with you. As I said before, I've known people who lost their lives due to seizures, so I know what it is like. Hang in there, and weep when you need to, speak when you feel like it, write when/if you feel like it. But, remember to take care of yourself during this time of mourning. The sun will shine again. 
{{{HUGS}}}


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## Firemajic (Apr 5, 2015)

Sonata.. I don't have the words at my command to comfort you.. Usually I have no problem expressing myself... but right now.. not so much...My hope is that you will open those shutters, let in the sun and call a friend... Hugs coming your way...


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## Sonata (Apr 5, 2015)

Tomorrow will be time enough
there is no sun now at this time
for it's gone midnight where I am

But come the morn 
I'll open wide
all the shutters
I won't hide

Away from life now 
any more
fling open shutters
and the door

And let the sun
come pouring in
and do my best
to smile again​


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## Vague Deity (Apr 5, 2015)

You know, there are people who pretend to have problems. People who beckon for the affection of social media followers if something doesn't go their way. I can tell you are not one of these people. Sonata, your words leave a ringing sense of realism in my ears, as if I were reading raw emotion. Please, never stop writing.


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## Sonata (Apr 6, 2015)

All the shutters are open
the sun streaming through
all windows wide open
the air is so pure

The door it is open
although not completely
because if it was
I might have no safety

It is glorious out
but I still stay inside
not that I'm trying now
my face to hide

I just am not ready
to go out and then
to face everybody
I'm not sure just when

Maybe tomorrow
but it does not matter
I'll meet and I'll greet
and have a small chatter

When I am ready
which is not quite now
but life must go on
and I'll manage
somehow​


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## Firemajic (Apr 6, 2015)

Every journey starts with that first small step..just one step... Moving on away from pain does not mean forgetting the one lost, but rather a celebration of the love shared...Your poem gives me hope that you have taken that first [and most difficult] step..Thank you for sharing... Peace always Sonata... jul


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## escorial (Apr 6, 2015)

keep it going there is an energy as it rolls on


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## Sonata (Apr 8, 2015)

There are no  words 
that I can say
but my tears they fall each 
every day
because she's not here
and does not come
when I call "boi l'ima Pereg" 
for she has gone

Come to mommy
but she can't now can she
I let Ram release her
so peacefully

I don't know now what I will do
or how I'm coping that is true

All I do is sit and weep
for my girl
although memories I keep

But memories don't help
for long
even if I sing her 
favourite song

She is not here
she won't come back
and life for me
is now almost
black​​


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Apr 8, 2015)

(Forgot to say something too. Also the last line had a typo. We're all here for you! But I thought writing something might help more.) 


Have you no friends to dry your tears
no light in your dark world to shine
no one to mourn the loss of years
or ones you've left behind?

Your cries do not fall on deaf ears
nor this darkness to blind eyes
We entreat you, persevere
We'll be here 'til this river dries

Even job, to die, God he did halse
count your comforters, we are not false

The light within we hope you find,
inside you, inside your mind

But do not send yourself to Hades early
nor waste your coins on Charon's fee.




​


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## Sonata (Apr 9, 2015)

Thank you Crowley - I like and appreciate your words and am most grateful for your kindness.  I do not know what typo I made but it is easy to make them when you cannot see the screen for tears.  And it is difficult to explain why the loss of my beloved Pereg has hit me so hard.  Nobody where I live understands, just as they did not understand why I kept fighting for my girl and paying for her expensive medication and blood tests.  To them she was "just a dog and you can always get another one."  I have owned, loved and lost many dogs in my years, but she was different.  She was special.

Dogs are a throwaway commodity here - puppies that the children fancy, kept outside, and then dumped somewhere to get rid of them when they are no longer the cute little things they could drag along on bits of string.  Or they are guard dogs, spending their sorry lives chained up outside.  So no, although I have neighbours and people I see in the little store across the road who pat me on the back and say sorry for your loss, that is all.  Because they do not understand.  The only people who can understand is those who have or had epis.  Dogs with major canine epilepsy.  To everyone else she was "just a dog."

I only had my girl for just over six years, since she was a tiny puppy, and for the last four of those she was severely epileptic.

Four years of anguish
four years of pain
four years of hoping 
that once again

She would have a day
just one day I would ask
when the Monster would stay
not come do his task

Of slowly destroying
the one I did love
and as much as I prayed
to Him high above

The Monster did win
left me with one choice
to try yet again
ignoring his voice

But my girl could not take it
and so I was forced
to make the decision
and utter those words

Please come now Ram
and give her the peace
that she so deserves
I had to because
I had 
no choice

​


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 9, 2015)

I consider writing an act of healing and in my opinion that makes it for a compelling read if it works that way more so.


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## Sonata (Apr 9, 2015)

Thank you for those kind words.


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 9, 2015)

I think that is how people change. But it's a important way to interpret things. And of course I think often of those feelings.


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Apr 9, 2015)

Oh I just meant my own comment had a typo, so I fixed my own mistake there.


Though, yes, I cannot sympathize perfectly, I do certainly understand how you feel. I live in Southern Georgia. People beat their dogs and leave them out on chains in the coldest weather. Every pet we've had has had health issues.  And I use the word pet only so other understand I don't mean a human, but by all means they were members of the family. I picked out our current friend. Sadie, she's a purebred beagle. And that comes with the health problems. Her spinal disks started to fuse. She was howling in pain and we didn't know why at first. They're fused now and she's doing better, but her nerves still pull and tingle, and I know one day it might get worse. My grandfather died six years ago from intestinal cancer. My great grandmother just had a stroke and died. 

There was no difference in the grieving process, nor in how much I cried, between my family and my last beagle. His name was Calvin. We've since moved, but to this day we still see the old house and hope that one day we'll see him standing there at the door, waiting to be left in as always. 

I think I'm going to stop typing before I cry at work.


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## Sonata (Apr 9, 2015)

Sympathy I do not want.  Empathy means far more to me.  But I feel sorrow for you as I am long retired and live alone so can, and do, cry whenever I want without having to worry about what people might say.  And if I cry when I am in the store when somebody says something I have the advantage of being thought of as just a silly old woman whose tears are maybe best ignored.

Be careful what you wish for
I wished for an unbroken 
  sleep

And now I'd give anything
to be disturbed
again​


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## Loveabull (Apr 19, 2015)

Darling, I am amazed. I've only just now read through this thread. You a very gifted writer indeed. I do know how much Pereg meant to you. May you find peace and catharsis sharing here. I'm grateful to have found this site as well. Being able to write and share the unspeakable, certainly not subjects for polite company...But writing is healing and your writing is beautiful.

"The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it"...


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## Sforza (Apr 21, 2015)

Writing about depression only makes me more depressed to be honest.


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## Sonata (Apr 21, 2015)

I am not depressed.  I cry for my girl because I miss her.

Only someone
who has had an epi 
knows how it is

She was not "just a dog"
her name was Pereg
and she was epi

But now she is at rest
somewhere in a forest
I do not know where

And there is a new pup
asleep on my lap
not a replacement
but to honour Pereg

She is taking Pereg's toys
and eating Pereg's food
Raw food because Pereg was raw fed

But she has a new bed
which Pereg never had
because Pereg slept with me
this one will not
yet

She has a crate
in which to sleep
and she seems happy
to go in it
and she "eeps"
and she squeakles
when she wants to get up

A strange little girl
is this brand new
pup

And her name is Ziva


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