# Memories



## Diatsu (Aug 25, 2014)

I believe I posted this in the wrong section before.

Written because Astroannie recommends exposure. :thumbr:




Sorrow rises as the liquid burns,
Bringing forth memories long passed.
Regretting the sight of smoking ferns, 
Praying the pain won't last.


Reassurance from those of innocent blood,
Promising the resurrection of life.
Yet nothing can stop the recurring flood,
Suffocating the soul in strife.


As the last drop falls,
Desolation begins to sprout.
Seeking the end to these infinite halls,
The sands are running out.


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## aj47 (Aug 25, 2014)

First off, either board would work to post this, but not both.  Since you say here, you thought you posted wrong, I asked for your other post to be pulled.  A moderator might contact you about it.  I'm not a moderator so all I can do is ask.

That said:



> Sorrow rises as the liquid burns,





> Bringing forth memories long passed.
> Regretting the sight of smoking ferns,
> Praying the pain won't last.




I'm confused by this. What I'm reading is someone boozing up in the first lines.  The liquid could be blood, but blood doesn't burn. The third line puzzles; why smoking _ferns_? Either _concerns_ or _returns_ would fit your rhyme pattern and create a more sensical sentence. http://rhymezone.com is your friend here.




> Reassurance from those of innocent blood,





> Promising the resurrection of life.
> Yet nothing can stop the recurring flood,
> Suffocating the soul in strife.




This sounds very poetic.  However, the meaning is obscured. Floods drown, not suffocate. And reassurance of resurrection of whom from what?  




> As the last drop falls,





> Desolation begins to sprout.
> Seeking the end to these infinite halls,
> The sands are running out.




Here again, meaning is sacrificed to an idea of poeticism.  Pretty words without meaning aren't a poem. Last drop of what?  If it's blood, then it shouldn't be burning in stanza one and if it's booze, the last drop shouldn't be falling. I'll buy desolation sprouting but it makes more sense to spread. The infinite halls would be a good metaphor if you had started with it earlier and developed it.  And the sands running out is a cliche.  

Now that I've said all the bad stuff; here's the good stuff.  You use true rhyme. This is tough to do and I applaud you.  I think the words you use are all in your working vocabulary. This is a good thing. People who use "thee" and other archaicisms tend to get them wrong--it's easy to do.  By not doing that you keep your piece relevant to now instead of looking like it was handed down.

This is a good effort.  Keep writing.  The only way you'll improve is by practice.

p.s.  I have no idea why the first lines are separated from the rest in the quotes.  It's some kind of bug.


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## Firemajic (Aug 25, 2014)

Are you alluding to the resurrection fern in your poem? I have heard about them and always thought they were so intriguing...anyway that was what came to my mind when I was reading your poem...a metaphor for your memories. Peace...Jul


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## Diatsu (Aug 25, 2014)

astroannie said:


> I'm confused by this. What I'm reading is someone boozing up in the first lines.  The liquid could be blood, but blood doesn't burn. The third line puzzles; why smoking _ferns_? Either _concerns_ or _returns_ would fit your rhyme pattern and create a more sensical sentence. http://rhymezone.com is your friend here.



I was imagining someone being involved in a tragic incident, and ended up becoming extremely depressed, aswell as an alcoholic. So he resorts to drinking to help him cope with it.



astroannie said:


> This sounds very poetic. However, the meaning is obscured. Floods drown, not suffocate. And reassurance of resurrection of whom from what?



The feeling of guilt over the event makes him feel as though he is responsible for what happened that day, while looking at others as innocent. As for the flood... That's just a beginner mistake ale: 



astroannie said:


> The infinite halls would be a good metaphor if you had started with it earlier and developed it. And the sands running out is a cliche.



I pictured the person as an elderly man, hoping for peace, but having a feeling of desperation as he feels the end drawing near. As for the rest, I got no excuse. I'm still trying to get used to writing poetry.

Thanks for the critique, I appreciate you taking the time. I'll take everything you said into consideration when writing the next one. :thumbr:


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