# Fresh Clipped Lawn



## vangoghsear (Aug 28, 2013)

My submission from the August competition.  I want to see if anyone gets the idea expressed here, since it didn't gather much attention.

*Fresh Clipped Lawn*

  arid sharp hard 
  edge mower 
  twack wack hacks
  surges growls 
  twack wack hacks
  grass mown 
  mower moans cuts

  off

  silence settles
  with the dust
  sunlight 
  gold on green gathers 
  with the dusk

  shadows in repose
  colors yawn 
  melt blend 
  moist velvet rows
  of purple draped
  dew scented
  fresh clipped lawn


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## Alabastrine (Aug 28, 2013)

This is my opinion, but the first stanza doesn't fit well with the rest of it. I like the second and third stanzas, minus the "melt blend" line. I like the imagery you evoke in the rest of the poem. However, I am not a fan of the first part.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 28, 2013)

Thanks for the reply Alabastrine.  I'm going to wait to see if anyone else comments before I address your points, but thank you again for your thoughts.


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## escorial (Aug 28, 2013)

For me it's a piece about sounds...kind of abstract in a way...I think a piece you take to or dislike..me I liked it.


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## ejrosetta (Aug 28, 2013)

Usually I'm an "Iambic pentameter" sort of gal, but in a few short words you managed to really take me there. I could almost smell it. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed it


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## vangoghsear (Aug 28, 2013)

Thanks Escorial.  We both seem to tend towards Spartan style poetry.  Glad you liked this.  Again, I'm going to wait a bit before commenting on your reply, but let's just say you're very close.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 28, 2013)

Thanks ejrosetta, I'm glad you liked it.


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## ejrosetta (Aug 28, 2013)

I did, very much, Thank you.


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## Vitaly Ana (Aug 28, 2013)

_grass mown 
mower moans
_
Moaning is not usually a sound a trimmer or lawn mower makes -- :idea:

Liked it


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## vangoghsear (Aug 28, 2013)

Vitaly Ana said:


> _grass mown
> mower moans
> _
> Moaning is not usually a sound a trimmer or lawn mower makes -- :idea:
> ...


Glad you liked it.:chuncky:

As for the moaning, when the mower is turned off, that sound it makes as it cycles down and has that decelerating engine sound.  As it slows and drops in volume and the tone deepens briefly, I thought of it as being like the engine moaning after hard work.


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## apple (Aug 28, 2013)

I've read it a few times and each time I could hear and feel the intent in the sounds ( the work) and the  beauty and satisfaction of the result.  Like Edward Sissorhands. lol  You are always able to say so much in your sparse writing style. Usually able to involve all the senses.  I heard it, I felt it, I saw it and I felt satisfied at the end.  As usual, so good. I'd need a cigarette if I smoked.


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## Vitaly Ana (Aug 28, 2013)

If this piece is alone about senses, in terms of the sonic part of this work - I thought S1 was excellent. 

S2 - Acts as a silencing of sound/transition to the visual.

S3 - Is very visual and could transition to an S4 about a sense of scent

Again, very nice. In whatever context, I enjoyed this work


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## dannyboy (Aug 28, 2013)

if this is about something other than lawn mowing, then sorry Vangoghsear, I am missing it.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 29, 2013)

Apple, glad you got the sensory feel, you're very close to my  intention.  Yes Vitaly Ana, I describe it below, you are very close as  well.

Danny, I was describing the act of mowing the lawn, but I was using it as a metaphor, I've described my intentions below (not saying I succeeded, it did pretty badly in the competition).

Everyone  seems to have caught parts of it.  I began writing this by considering  the effects of light on vision for the "sunset" competition.  The first  line describes not just the mower blade, but the fact that in dry sunlit  air, edges are hard and sharply defined, as the sun begins to set that  definition fades as the colors begin to melt together and change  altogether.  

The grass cutting became a metaphor for change,  long grass cut to short, harsh irritating sound fading with a moan to  tranquility, sharp lines melting into a velvet drape, greens changing to  gold streaked then to velvet purple, work being done fades to repose,  Smells go from dust (and implied gas fumes,) to the smell of dew and cut  grass, and arid turns to dew.  

The words I picked for the first  stanza were designed to be harsh, to irritate and the repetition was  used to enhance that, till the phrase describing the mower shutting off,  which comes almost as a relief.  I was pleased to learn Alabastrine  didn't like the 1st stanza, I wanted that effect.

Then the whole  phrasing shifts to sunset imagery.  The words become a little smoother,  gone are the 'k's and most of the 'r's, but there are still a few 'g's.   Rhyme is introduced. The work is done you're standing back to  appreciate the accomplishment: a metaphor for the day's work.  

The third stanza is nature going to bed, with words used like 'repose,' 'yawn,' and 'drape'.

Thanks you all for your comments.


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## dannyboy (Aug 29, 2013)

Hey van I wonder if light can be used in the title as a clue?


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## escorial (Aug 29, 2013)

I would like to see more insight when it comes to layered poetry...only then do I appreciate the depth in other poets work..reading it again but in a different light.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 29, 2013)

dannyboy said:


> Hey van I wonder if light can be used in the title as a clue?


Excellent suggestion.  I read the title again when I posted it here and wasn't really happy with it.  I will think about a new one.  Thanks DB.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 29, 2013)

escorial said:


> I would like to see more insight when it comes to layered poetry...only then do I appreciate the depth in other poets work..reading it again but in a different light.


I like to know the thought processes of other poets.  Thanks for the reread and the comments.


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## Gumby (Aug 29, 2013)

I think the idea of a hint in the title is a good one, especially the light angle. Planting that seed in the readers mind beforehand may make all the difference. As the title stands, it prepares you for the cut grass theme, rather than the sunset theme.

I had the same reaction to the first stanza, it was jarring, so you succeeded there, van. The rest is very smooth, soothing, and beautiful.


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## vangoghsear (Aug 29, 2013)

Gumby, thanks for the comment.  "Jarring" good word for what I wanted that first stanza to do.  Yeah, the title idea is definitely a good one.  Considering a few.  Here's a couple:

"Sun Sets on the Fresh Clipped Lawn"
"Changing Light on Fresh Cut Grass"


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## dannyboy (Aug 29, 2013)

Fresh cut light?
Light upon the lawn?


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## vangoghsear (Aug 29, 2013)

dannyboy said:


> Fresh cut light?
> Light upon the lawn?



I like Fresh Cut Light.  That works on multi-levels.  Thanks DB.


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