# Weeping Sparrows



## Firemajic (May 7, 2016)

_*Frantically fluttering failing to fly
stunted Sparrows spin and spin
dirty wind from wounded wings
scrub cracked sidewalks

Dazed she drifts in a dark dream
drenched in detached sorrow
lost in cracked reality
her fragile heart faintly flutters

Fearful eyes focus on her feet
don't step on a crack NO DO NOT!
afraid she will trip and not come back
like broken mirrors seven years bad luck

Slooow step by slow step avoiding cracks
moving forward but going no where
dodging the spinning Sparrows
scrubbing the sidewalk with wounded wings

Spinning Sparrows sweep and weep
sweeping sidewalks with stunted wings
weeping sweeping never sleeping
covering all the dirty cracks

Frantically fluttering stunted Sparrows
spin around her faltering feet
she finally tripped and fell and fell
fell in a crack can't ever find her way back...

*_


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## ned (May 7, 2016)

wow! - an intense and engaging read - the fearful reality of trying to avoid the enevitable, perhaps
expressed in black and white OCD?

there seems to be tension between dirty and scrubbed - opposites that collide here - which is fine.

not so much nits - as nitlets
scrubbing cracked sidewalks - for flow and a nice in-rhyme
dazed she drifts in dark dream - or darkest for the rhythm
her fragile heart..... - needs another beat for the flow?
fearful eyes... - drop her?
afraid of tripping and not coming back - more dynamic, if that's applicable.
like broken mirrors... - I got this, totally - but took a while
sloow step.... - would drop the second step - for effect 
no where = nowhere
dodging.... - drop the
scrubbing the sidewalk... - that scrub the sidewalk - for rhythm
she finally....- finally she
the last line is a tad clunky - drop fell? - in = into
can't ever - has a single word expression

_*sweeping sidewalks with stunted wings *_- love the lyrical aliteration in this poem 
that mirrors the repeating themes.

enjoyed
Ned


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## Firemajic (May 7, 2016)

wow ned, fabulous crit.. even sublime.. I will return and make the corrections you suggested.. Thank you!
This poem is about the drug "Crack".. The sparrows are symbolic for the war against drugs, and trying to keep the mean streets clean of crack and crack heads.. "She" is symbolic for a child trying to avoid becoming just another statistic .. just another lost junkie that fell through societies crack ... this is the second poem in this series, the first was "Crystal Mist" which is of course about Crystal Meth...


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## ned (May 9, 2016)

hello - yes, a lot of suggestions! - mostly to do with the rhythm as I read it - which can be a rather subjective concept.
so, take or leave as you feel, as long as the poem sounds right for you.

I reckoned the sparrows were a metaphore - for failure of one kind or another.
Ned


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## Darkkin (May 9, 2016)

Hi Juls,

Really liked this piece.  The play with imagery, alliteration, and assonance is fierce.  Overall, an excellent piece.  Only major nit is S5, the six eep variations within four lines, especially the reuse and conjugation of weep and sweep, is a little too much.  It overwhelms the stanza, but doesn't lend much texture.  Consider revising one of the sweeping to something akin to creeping.  Alliteration and assonance are wonderful tools, but they do need a little leavening.

Appreciate the read.

- D. the T.


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## Firemajic (May 12, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*Frantically fluttering failing to fly
> stunted Sparrows spin and spin
> dirty wind from wounded wings
> scrubbing cracked sidewalks
> ...




Thank you, DarKKin and ned.. I made some changes as suggested.. I appreciate your critique..


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## ned (May 12, 2016)

has a stronger rhythm now, that allows the beauty of the phrases to ascend the mere wording

tidy teeny tiny tweaking
Ned


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## afk4life (May 12, 2016)

Just read it out loud to yourself. It's intense and good. Very nice.


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## Firemajic (May 13, 2016)

afk4life said:


> Just read it out loud to yourself. It's intense and good. Very nice.




I am glad the intensity came through.. Thank you! I appreciate your comment..


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## Nellie (May 13, 2016)

Hi Juls, 

A very heavy subject matter for a poem. Well done alliteration and imagery.  However, I prefer the first poem over the 2nd, perhaps revising the 5th stanza as Darkkin suggested. Otherwise, leave it as it was and thanks once again for sharing.


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## Firemajic (May 13, 2016)

Thank you Nellie, I removed a word from the 5th stanza, first line, to kinda break up the alliteration.. I appreciate your comment...


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## SilverMoon (May 13, 2016)

I don't toss around the word "brilliant" readily but here it lands after reading your poem. You have gotten to the dark meat of the human condition - despair, its fragility as seen in the little sparrow.

Abounding with alliterations, not one line is clumsily overdone. Never, have I read such smooth technique. You know I'm a huge lover of metaphors, so you have captured my heart and mind big time.

So much to quote as being superlative so this one little BIG thing...."Spring Sparrows sweep and weep - covering all the dirty cracks..." Simply amazing. Thank you for this!


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## SilverMoon (May 14, 2016)

> Originally Posted by *Firemajic*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Going over your thread I somehow missed this reply to ned's  points, now seeing the very different and intense slant.  Of course, we all interpret differently but now with this new metaphorical meaning I'm even more impressed. That I've lived in NYC seeing addicts everyday does not matter. I could have lived on a mountaintop and you would have brought me right to the concrete cracks and needles you leave to the imagination.

Am looking forward to the next to be included in your series! Laurie


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## Firemajic (May 14, 2016)

SilverMoon, I am glad the imagery work for you, I was not sure, I was afraid it would be too obscure.. Thank you for reading, and for your sublime comment...


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## Batonski (May 19, 2016)

I like the symbolism on how the sparrow represents a fragile heart making its way through life. It seems to me that the little sparrow here just wanted to fly. It has a sad ending, how she fell through the cracks in the end. Grammar-wise and all (this is based on looking at original poem) I agree that there were some clunky sentences, but I think the edited one was really nicely done capturing the "bluer" side of humanity. 

Er, sorry for the bad critique. I'm basically mirroring what everyone has said but in all, I really liked it.


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## Firemajic (May 19, 2016)

Not a bad critique at alllll...Nice to see you in the poetry thread... nothing scary here, Right? Thank you for your fabulous critique Batonski!


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## Batonski (May 19, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Not a bad critique at alllll...Nice to see you in the poetry thread... nothing scary here, Right? Thank you for your fabulous critique Batonski!



Haha, don't worry, no monsters under the bed. And you're welcome, can't wait to see more of your work.


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## Firemajic (May 19, 2016)

There are many fabulous poets who post their work here...  hopefully you will also...


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