# Back of the Line! *600w, language*



## Pluralized (Nov 10, 2017)

Run your hands down the front of your body. Feel the muscles of your abdomen, the separation between each. Feel the sleek, powerful thigh muscles. Reach back and squeeze your buttocks, go ahead. It’s your body. Glance up into the mirror, see the neck tattoo you always regret, but in a flash, it’s gone. Watch your complexion darken. What once was pasty white turns golden brown, then mahogany. See your hair, it’s new too; run your hand over it and notice how tight those curls are. What was once long brown hair has shortened, darkened, become coarse. Your slender and soft neck is thick, beefy like a horse’s thigh. Those hands, they are no longer slender and long, they’re calloused, heavy hands of a fighter. You ball your fist and hold it up, watch how the tendons and veins protrude with sheer power, ready to smash faces. 

It’s time.

Sprinting, full-out, without breathing heavy or feeling tired. You’re around the corner, down the block, into the corner store where Julian works. 
“Whoa, back of the line,” he shouts. You slink back, stand impatiently behind the seven or eight dumpster-fire locals that only want beer and scratch-off tickets. You seethe. A reflection stares back: a new, dark you. 

It’s finally your turn. He doesn’t know who you are, so you play it cool. “Give me a pack of the cheapest smokes you got.” 

He reaches up and pulls out some white packet of cheap poison-sticks and throws them on the counter. His gold tooth glints in the fluorescent as he smiles at you. “Buck fitty,” he snarls. 

You take the cigarettes and pack them against your palm like you used to, then tear the cellophane off and put one to your lips. “Give me a fucking light.” Your voice is deeper, more guttural. It’s like you’re James Earl Jones, without the posh. 

Julian points at the door. “Outside with that,” he says, and slides a pack of matches your way. You motion for him to follow.

It’s humid out, and the cicadas pulse a droning background. You light a smoke and wait. Julian’s finished up with the line, pushed through the door and now standing there dumbly. “Yo man, who the fuck are you?”

With a roar, you flick the cigarette into his eye. He claws at his face, yells out, and you’re on him, knees to the face, punching the back and sides of his head. Part of his ear comes off with your calloused knuckling, and his head hits the concrete hard. He’s convulsing a bit, pissed himself. Blood spreads thickly in the fake light and his gold tooth is lying there like a gilded raft in a dark ocean. You pick it up and pocket it, then kick him one more time to the head. He’s done. You wipe the sweat from your mouth and spit on him. 

People have gathered round, yelling and confused, but you’re gone, sprinting, way too fast to catch. The bloody footprints match the size 13 bare feet you’re running on, but it’s too late: you’re back home and panting up against the locked door before anyone has called the cops. The surge wears down, and you’re calm, taking deep breaths. The big rough hands have turned white again. You glimpse in the mirror and take account of your pale skin, that neck tattoo that spells out his name in cursive, and the long brown hair. 

You’re Sarah, just like the day you were born, and the day you fell for that asshole Julian’s lies. It’s late, so you put on Miles Davis, relax on the couch, and light up one of those cheap cigarettes.


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## LeeC (Nov 10, 2017)

Whoa, pump up, freak-out like the hulk, and fade. You packed a lot in, and whipped the pace, to finish before the reader even has time to consider whether they want to read it. Also thought your colorful descriptive text made the story more interesting, where all to commonly writers include too much and are unimaginative.

So going back over it, the only thing that sticks out to me is the narrator’s voice with the phrasing “These hands, they are no …” You start out seemingly talking to the reader, or following the PC’s thoughts. Either way, to me the phrase “These hands’ was a distracting departure within the first paragraph. Maybe “Your hands,” having used “your” so liberally in the preceding, or whatever works best for you. And then, maybe it’s only me that sees a bump in the flow. 

Also thought the ending was quite vague, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe I look for too much in a story, but “fell for that asshole Julian’s lies,” suggested to me they knew each beforehand. Only that conflicts with earlier “He doesn’t know who you are, so you play it cool.” Maybe her (unless this is a boy named Sue thing) appearance actually did change drastically, or Julian is such and asshole that he doesn’t remember those he’s walked on. 


Whether my thoughts are pertinent or not, it’s good to see you back in the saddle


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## VonBradstein (Nov 11, 2017)

This is a very good piece of flash. Very good use of second person and present tense. Didn't feel forced.

If I had any difficulty with it at all it was not in the quality of writing but rather the character and, to some degree, the situation. I found it a little confusing to get to grips with it. My understanding is that this is about a spurned woman taking revenge on a man named Julian who works at the store. So as far as that goes, I like the idea very much. The issue I have - and this may be intentional - is getting to grips with her motivation. The event sounds premeditated based on the opening so I would wonder why she would choose to do this in a public setting. Why not wait for him to leave the store in the dark and ambush him? Is it because she's truly psychopathic and wants to humiliate him, perhaps? 

I also struggled with what seemed to be a metamorphosis of "Sarah". I am curious as to whether the transformative aspects - her hands, her feet turning to size thirteen, etc - are literally happening or if they are imaginary, created in her mind as a result of her psychosis?


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## Pluralized (Nov 11, 2017)

Solid feedback, thanks people.

I don’t want to give away too much just yet; let’s see if anyone else reads it and groks the twue monster.


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## SueC (Nov 12, 2017)

Okay, so I guess I'm someone else. LOL. I really like this. It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with purpose. The only comment I have is that the transitions seem a little abrupt. I had to re-read the part about the tattoo on the neck disappearing. I didn't quite get that at first, so just a little clarification should work. And then - this is really minor - when she is back home. 



> The bloody footprints match the size 13 bare feet you’re running on, but it’s too late: you’re back home and panting up against the locked door before anyone has called the cops.



Instead of saying "up against the locked door," maybe "behind the locked door" would work better. I followed her home, and had this visual of her standing outside on a porch up against the locked door, which didn't make any sense to me. OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS GREAT! I would love to see more.


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## Theglasshouse (Nov 13, 2017)

Maybe she is psychotic (Sarah in this case) hence the stream of consciousness. Don't know but still enjoyed it. But I could be way off, and I am interested in seeing what this is all about or if it already ended at least it was engaging. I thought at first it was synaesthesia but then something bad happened. Dark stuff. But the descriptions were good. Enjoyed it nevertheless.

In response to an earlier post by Vonbradstein:
Psychosis is different, its hearing almost like a crowd right beside you shouting and no one else is there and your hearing doesn't pick it up. No doubt with visualization you could have more hallucinations.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 13, 2017)

Theglasshouse said:


> Maybe she is psychotic (Sarah in this case) hence the stream of consciousness. Don't know but still enjoyed it. But I could be way off, and I am interested in seeing what this is all about or if it already ended at least it was engaging. I thought at first it was synaesthesia but then something bad happened. Dark stuff. But the descriptions were good. Enjoyed it nevertheless.
> 
> In response to an earlier post by Vonbradstein:
> Psychosis is different, its hearing almost like a crowd right beside you shouting and no one else is there and your hearing doesn't pick it up. No doubt with visualization you could have more hallucinations.



Correct me if I'm wrong, but psychosis is an umbrella term for many various conditions that fall under general disengagement from reality. I was specifically thinking schizophrenia here, which is a form of psychosis.


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## Theglasshouse (Nov 13, 2017)

It's accompanied by a hallucination in the case of some schizophrenia did a brief look online. Depends on the schizophrenia a person might have. Say they have visual hallucinations they will experience more phenomena from the disease itself, such as a psychosis probably. But in my understanding and hand first-hand experience (since I have had it), it has to do with the mind and the brain's voices and seems to be an auditory hallucination. I think you knew this but that's a form of schizophrenia I have (the schizoaffective disorder). This is complex stuff. Because there are many mental diagnoses. Psychosis is the onset of schizophrenia, not many schizophrenics have visual ones. If they have a good treatment. I experienced it's a fake voice coming from my mind. A delusion is a fake thought on the other hand. It all originates from the brain.

My thoughts are that it's an auditory hallucination, but can become worse if you experience a visual image that isn't real if that makes sense. Because it's like a flood of voices. The more serious ones are gotten rid of with electroshock convulsive therapy. But medicine that can stop that depends on the person and how they can cope with it. (lithium I heard and such anti-psychotics are used to treat it).

The milder symptons are delusions which mine are almost all blocked.

Since I haven't gotten exacerbated by the disease, and it is held in check. I would venture to guess psychosis gets worse with a visual hallucination, where there is a flood of voices.


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## ned (Dec 14, 2017)

hello - this was an engaging read, with good writing that found easy to follow.

a few word-choices might need looking at - 'poison-sticks' for instance.

but like VonBrad, I had trouble with the motivation of Sarah - they say 'hell hath no fury....'
but such vengeance seems over the top. And in a way, I'm disappointed in the lack of imagination by resorting to pure violence,
rather than a cleverer ruse, whilst in disguise.

just my thoughts.....Ned


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## sas (Jan 5, 2018)

Damn good read. Great fast pace. I didn't need to push myself through it. You know how to lock, load and fire.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jan 21, 2018)

Whoa, what the fuck?! This was cool. I did not, for a second, think the protag would be a woman. That James Earl Jones reference was pretty solid, and it succeeded in swaying me to the wrong direction. This woman's kind of feisty, isn't she?


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