# Ending path (Warning: horror)



## DarkHowl (Apr 7, 2016)

Helpless, frightened
Paralyzed in fear
A scythe to the neck
can you feel it near?

Roaming at night
Silent sounds
´Tis winter tonight
Sleeping lake towns

Awake in bed
sickness befalls you
Denying the end
Your debt is due

Her Pleasure in pain
Piercing sounds, just joy
To tear you, her aim
In suffering enjoy

Drowning in blood
No one to guide you
Lady death is here
No god to save you

Rest now, love
You have done well
be still, don´t move
Next stop, Hell


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 8, 2016)

DarkHooooowl.... I loved this poem, "Drowning in blood" nice imagery, so continue to reinforce that throughout your poem.. that will make this truly a horrific poem, like your title warning suggested... because .. right now, the ONLY horror in your poem is the fact that there IS NO horror.... stop teasing me....


----------



## escorial (Apr 8, 2016)

Tis winter tonight...made me think of a Charles Dickens character...her pleasure..lady death all led me to a feminine piece but i don't know what the gender had to do with the piece....sickness befalls you..your debt is due...who is this other person...


----------



## DarkHowl (Apr 8, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> DarkHooooowl.... I loved this poem, "Drowning in blood" nice imagery, so continue to reinforce that throughout your poem.. that will make this truly a horrific poem, like your title warning suggested... because .. right now, the ONLY horror in your poem is the fact that there IS NO horror.... stop teasing me....



To be honest I was not sure if to put a warning at all, since I did not know what could be considered horror or not, but just to be safe I placed the warning. 
I will keep working on this one, since I posted it after only 30 minutes of work.


----------



## DarkHowl (Apr 8, 2016)

escorial said:


> Tis winter tonight...made me think of a Charles Dickens character...her pleasure..lady death all led me to a feminine piece but i don't know what the gender had to do with the piece....sickness befalls you..your debt is due...who is this other person...



Hi,
Uhmmm I´m sorry to ask this but given that I sometimes have issues with english I wanted to ask you if you are suggesting I should change the fact that I mentioned a gender? as, trying to get rid of it? and, should I try to make it easier to explain how the story works?

When I was writing it I thought of someone who was sick, dying, and could hear vices in his head, as thoughts, telling him/her that death was coming. This probably was not clear at all, so I will keep working on this.

- Matt


----------



## escorial (Apr 8, 2016)

i think you move around to much..from questions to actions...you have alot going on there and it's like your trying to find a voice to express a journey you or i may not want to take.....i do have a preference for a singular feel in writing,a mono style so keep that in mind...i like the idea the feeling in the piece and look forward to future reading of your work..cool man


----------



## DarkHowl (Apr 8, 2016)

escorial said:


> i think you move around to much..from questions to actions...you have alot going on there and it's like your trying to find a voice to express a journey you or i may not want to take.....i do have a preference for a singular feel in writing,a mono style so keep that in mind...i like the idea the feeling in the piece and look forward to future reading of your work..cool man



I see. Thank you for your help. It is true that I move around too much, so I will try to work on that too.


----------



## SilverMoon (Apr 8, 2016)

Welcome, Matt! First I must say that you did a good job with this poem being that English is your second language. And this poem is so deserving of a re-write. You have a great foundation here for a true Haunt! A few suggestions you might want to keep in mind during your re-write: I'll be pointing each verse.



> Paralyzed in  with fear -  I think a better opening line. It begs the question "Why?"
> helpless, frightened
> *A scythe to the neck* Wonderful!
> can you feel it near?
> ...


 - 

You kept consistent with rhyme, a great introductory poem. Weave your magic! Silvermoon :moon:


----------



## ned (Apr 8, 2016)

hello - an interesting poem - plague-ridden delusions?

brevity is cool in poetry - but here, it makes things disjointed and rather unfocussed.

the opening stanza is nice - but feels rather stranded - maybe, place it later on.

first we are outside - but needs a smidgen of clarity
tis winter tonight
in sleepy lake towns

then we are inside
denying the end - sounds like the sickness is preventing death
surely not the sentiment intended

the fourth verse needs a complete rewrite for me - I don't know where to start

try to make it more engaging by adding little joins
lady death is here
with no god to save you - etc

this is very unique with some nice ideas - well worth working on

no need for the warning - your poetry isn't that bad (smiley face moment)

cheers
Ned


----------



## DarkHowl (Apr 8, 2016)

SilverMoon said:


> Welcome, Matt! First I must say that you did a good job with this poem being that English is your second language. And this poem is so deserving of a re-write. You have a great foundation here for a true Haunt! A few suggestions you might want to keep in mind during your re-write: I'll be pointing each verse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hey, thanks a lot!
I like the change in the opening line because it does bring out the question "Why?" just as you say.
Also, I changed "Sleeping lake" to "Frozen lake" since I wanted to depict a bit more the scenery. 

I´ll post this again once I have made all the changes.


----------



## DarkHowl (Apr 8, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - an interesting poem - plague-ridden delusions?
> 
> brevity is cool in poetry - but here, it makes things disjointed and rather unfocussed.
> 
> ...



Hi Ned.
Yeah, I was thinking about the brevity now while I was walking back home and I think that as long as I have not practiced enough my English writing I will try to avoid brief sentences. I need to work a lot on vocabulary and ways to express my ideas in order to dominate it better.


----------



## SilverMoon (Apr 8, 2016)

> no need for the warning - your poetry isn't that bad (smiley face moment)
> cheers
> Ned



Love this, Ned - great fun support.


----------



## SilverMoon (Apr 8, 2016)

DarkHowl said:


> Hey, thanks a lot!
> I like the change in the opening line because it does bring out the question "Why?" just as you say.
> Also, I changed "Sleeping lake" to "Frozen lake" since I wanted to depict a bit more the scenery.
> 
> I´ll post this again once I have made all the changes.



Looking forward to it!:fat:


----------

