# Tales from a Mother



## K. Altan (Jan 15, 2018)

This was for a creative writing class that I'm taking. We didn't workshop this week's stories, so I didn't get any feedback. I'd really like to improve on my writing, and I rarely do anything nonfiction, so some advice would be much appreciated. The prompt was to write a short story about one of my parents. (real or fictional)

            “We were in the mosh pit for The Clash, and I was getting completely trampled, so my friend picked me up and threw me onto the stage, and I got tackled by security, but I explained the situation, so they let me stand backstage to watch the rest of the concert,” my mom bragged as she finished wiping the jelly onto my sandwich.

As she drove me to school: “And then we spray-painted the bridge with our team name, but then the other team showed up and started shooting flare guns at us, so we fired back, and your father threw me into the boat and we were getting away, but then a police helicopter showed up.”

“So then the neighbors got really mad at me, because I was jumping over their kids on my bike, but I never hit anybody and the kids all did it voluntarily, but now I can see why they were so angry,” she squeezed my hand while crossing the street.

“My friend pierced my ears for me at a sleepover party. She used an ice cube to numb it and then stuck a belt in my mouth to muffle the screams,” she glanced over at me, playing with her old jewelry. “But it was a terrible experience. You should wait until you’re thirteen and can properly take care of them.”

“There was that one time I shaved half my head, and that other time I got a perm. Both of them looked horrible, but it’s just hair. It grows, so who cares.” She patted my head as we waited for my haircut appointment.

“I used to party hard when I was your age, and would get older guys to buy me alcohol, but there was this one time that they followed me to the party and made me feel uncomfortable, so we pretended that the party was over and got them to leave. You have to be smart about who you trust.” She handed me the car keys and told me to text her later.

She beamed at me as I waited for my boyfriend to pick me up for prom. “I used to sneak out through my window to go on dates. Don’t be like me. Please text me when you’re on your way home or if you need me.”

She didn’t have a story to tell when she dropped me off for my freshman year of college. She only cried.


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## Plasticweld (Jan 15, 2018)

I like the ending.  What you need in my opinion is more of a framework for the information you supplied. I think it worked for the first two examples but after that I had to look back and see if I missed something, I felt lost with what you had given me. 

Some context in which some of these tidbits of information were shared would be great.  The only time there is a reference to a time and a feeling are in your ending. This was not enough for me as a reader.  

Welcome to the non-fiction side of the site and thanks for sharing your work...Bob


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## H.Brown (Jan 16, 2018)

Morning K, 

This is an intriguing start with the protagonist being in the mosh pit. However I found that it could be tightened to be more interesting. For example your first line;

“We were in the mosh pit for The Clash, and I was getting completely trampled, so my friend picked me up and threw me onto the stage, and I got tackled by security, but I explained the situation, so they let me stand backstage to watch the rest of the concert,” my mom bragged as she finished wiping the jelly onto my sandwich.

This could be: "We'd gone to see The Clash and were in the mosh pit getting completely trampled, when my friend picked me up and threw me on stage. Security soon tackled me and took me backstage, where my explanation could be heard. They let me stay there and watch the rest of the concert," my mom bragged as she finished wiping jelly on my sandwiches.

As Bob has mentioned you jump from one telling of a moment to another, we get nothing between. Even though it is non-fiction and clearly a remembering. I would have chosen one specific memory and told that in it's entirety. Such as I was expecting more about your mom's time at the concert. Draw us in to the action taking place by setting it up first. So how did you and your mom get to talking about The Clash gig and how did you react to such a piece of information. Tell us how you both reacted in these moments. I hope that this helps.


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## SueC (Jan 16, 2018)

I agree with the comments above, and I would also like to see something from the child. Some reaction, some "and I couldn't believe it when she told me  . . . " kind of comments. Other than that, cool mom - I think! LOL.


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## K. Altan (Jan 20, 2018)

Thank you all for your very helpful comments. It definitely seems disjointed now that I look at it from a stranger's perspective. It's difficult to take something from your own memories and to convey it with enough context to make others understand. I'll work on fleshing it out more. I really appreciate your help!


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