# Phone Calls with Satan



## Saeria (Jul 20, 2015)

** I am trying my hand at creative non-fiction. While I can't remember each of these conversations verbatim, I have given  frighteningly accurate descriptions of real phone conversations I have had with my ex-mother-in-law. 


Q*uack Attack*

“Good morning. Were you sleeping? I have ducks!”
“Ducks?”
 “The ducks. It hasn’t rained in a couple weeks so they started tapping their bills on my doors.”
“Okay?”
“You know, those birds that go quack, quack?”
“Right, but you live in a subdivision nowhere near a pond.”
“Steve set up a pool for them in front of the garage to paddle around in.”
“Oh, okay. So why are you calling at 1 in the morning?”
“To tell you about the ducks.”
“Alright, well I need to get back to sleep. “
“You must be a duck hater. You wouldn’t hate these ducks. They’re tapping on the door again, yelling ‘more water please.’”

Sometimes it only takes a single exchange with a person to understand how they think and what motivates them. Other times it takes several conversations before I can truly grasp what a person is like. Then there are still others that will always remain a mystery. I never quite know if their intentions are pure, if they speak truth or lies, or even if they believe the things that come out of their own mouths.
If you read the above dialog you might be able to imagine the speaker is inebriated, or a small, imaginative child. Maybe the person is given to bouts of schizophrenic delusions . In fact, none of these are correct. This is the rambling of a perfectly coherent 70 year old woman.

My late husband’s mother has been a curious thorn in my side for the better part of 15 years now. Sometimes she decides she can’t stand me. Other times she feels the need to slander my name to feel better about herself; sometimes she is perfectly pleasant, and still other times she is angry and offensive.  I never know which person I am going to get.

*Gullible*

I am just leaving the gynecologist’s office when she calls me:
“Oh, how did your well-woman exam go? You did go, didn’t  you?”
“It all bats and cobwebs so there was nothing wrong to find.”
“Bats and Cobwebs? I don’t understand.”
“Well, your son isn’t exactly.. an active sort.”
“So he put spiderwebs in your personal place?”
“No, they moved in because it is never, you know, occupied.”
“So what about the bats?”
“Oh, they’re pretty pissed right now because the doctor disturbed their sleep. They flew out and started circling the clinic. I think one of them bit a nurse.”
I hear a rattling then a hurried press of buttons over the line.
“Steve, our daughter in law has bats in her vagina!”
“No, I’m not being serious. It was a joke!”
“I don’t get it. Is that nurse okay?”
“Diana, I don’t have bats in my vagina. I meant it as a joke.”
“Well, to be honest, I am still not convinced. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if there really were bats there.”

*The Monster Under the Bed*

My phone rings at 4 in the morning.

“Oh thank God you heard the phone. I have a rat under my bed and I need you to come over and kill it.”
“Don’t you have rat traps in the pantry?”
“I’m not getting out of this bed knowing there is a rat there waiting to chew on my feet.”
“Wake up Steve. I am sure he will take care of the rat for you. If I get up now the kid is going to wake up too.”
“Steve said he wouldn’t look. He went back to sleep and left me here crying.”
“Okay, let me try to step you through this as best I can. Is that curtain rod still behind your nightstand?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, grab it and very quietly get out of bed.”
“I’m by the bed, now what?”
“Stick that curtain rod under the bed and sweep everything out.”
I hear a shuffling then a loud squeal.
“Oh my God, the rat is wet!”
“Is it moving?”
“No.”
“What color is it?”
“It’s white and orange with no tail.”
“Shine your book lamp on it.”
“It doesn’t have any eyes! It’s a demon.”
I hear her ancient cat hacking in the background. It suddenly becomes clear the cat has hacked up a hairball under the bed.
“It’s a hairball, just grab some toilet paper and flush it.”
“Eww, no! I am not touching that demon rat.”
“I promise it is a hairball. Nothing else.”
“Please come get it. I can’t get back in bed now because I am afraid to step over it.”
“You do realize I live 4 hours away right? By the time I make it there Steve will be awake.”
“Fine, but if I get an arthritis flare up waiting for Steve to wake up it’s your fault. Now that I have you on the phone, when was the last time you dusted your house?”


*Mary Kay is Life*

I receive a call 10 minutes after my husband has one of his outbursts.

“My son called me and told me to pass the message that he wasn’t going to be home tonight. He sounded angry. What did you say to him?”
“Not a word. You know how he is.”
“I know how you are too. Anyways, I called because I need someone to go with me to a Mary Kay party.”
“Now isn’t a good time. My eye is kinda swollen.”
“Sounds like it is the perfect time. Just show up, try on a little make up, smile and be friendly.”
“How on earth is it the perfect time?”
“Well you’re going to need something to cover up your eye, right?”
“Okay, sure, but what do I do before I get my hands on some of this magical Mary Kay make up?”
“Put on a pair of sunglasses, wear a pirate patch, tell everyone you fell down a well. I don’t care. You aren’t there to talk; you’re there to make me look good.”
“Wow, just wow.”
“I knew you’d understand. That’s how I feel about Mary Kay stuff. We have to be ready to go in 35 minutes.”
“I can’t go all the way there in 35 minutes, much less with only one eye and a headache.”
“You’re so selfish.  Now I have to miss my Mary Kay party because you don’t want to go out!”
“No, it’s because I don’t feel like using the warp drive on my little Neon to get there on time without having any depth perception.”
“What’s a warp drive and why do you hate me?”
“Nevermind, and I will be there in an hour.”


*Testicles and Balls
*
    After my husband passed away, his mother insisted on keeping our family dog even though she had never owned a dog before. I hated the idea as this dog had been a part of our family for almost 10 years but she seemed to think having it around would keep her son’s memory alive. While I was in town we ate at a Chinese restaurant briefly before I dropped off the dog and tearfully went back home.

“Hi there! Have you made it home yet.”
“No, I’ve only been on the road a half hour.”
“Oh okay, I just wanted to ask a couple questions. First, what were those rings you were eating at lunch. Those looked like the rubberiest onion rings I had ever seen!”
“It was calamari.”
“Calawali?”
“Calamari, squid.”
“Oh my God, how can you eat that! I was thinking about that after I got home and got the shivers thinking about it.”
“It’s actually pretty good if you would just try it.”
“No thank you! I just can’t will myself to eat anything with testicles!”
“Squid don’t have testicles I don’t think.”
“Oh yes they do! They have ten of them, octopi have eight.”
“You’re thinking of tentacles. Testicles are balls.”
“Now you’re just being gross. I think I would gag if I had to swallow testicles.”
“Tentacles.”
“Whatever. Speak of balls I need you to do something when you come back with Zeek’s dog bed. “
“What?”
“Can you neuter him for me. I just don’t think I have the heart to do it.”
“You mean take him to be neutered?”
“I guess. I think it would be cheaper just to do it here though. I have a good pair of scissors in the kitchen.”
“You can’t just neuter your own dog. You have to take him to a vet, but honestly, why do you want to neuter him now? He’s so arthritic he can barely run these days.”
“It’s his balls. They swing around every time he wags his tail and it is gross.”
“They’re his balls. Quit looking at the dog’s butt and you’ll be fine.”
“You’re just trying to get out of helping me with this dog. Fine, I will see if Steve will neuter him before the game tonight.”

While the dog was neutered at the ripe old age of 13, he was, fortunately,  neutered by a veterinarian and not by a pair of kitchen shears.


*One Ring to Annoy Them All*

      It has been 4 years since my husband passed away , and a little over a year since I met the man I am certain I will spend the rest of my life with. My late husband’s mother did not find out about this new beau until several months later simply because I knew she would oppose. She had been insisting these past few years that any self-respecting widow is to spend her days single and in mourning. She shouted, she cried, insisted that re-entering the dating world made me a harlot. It seemed, however, she had far less of a problem with him when she discovered he was actually a pretty financially responsible fellow.

“Hello. Can I speak to you know who?”
“No, I don’t know who. You mean the kid?”
“No, your.. uhm… whatever he is to you.”
“My boyfriend. He’s kind of busy right now, can I have him call you back.”
“It’s really important. Tell him he needs a pen and paper.”
Grudgingly I put the phone on speaker and passed it over.
“Hi, how are you? Better question, how is that bank account of yours.”
“Just fine I guess.”
“Oh good to hear it. Well I just found something SO beautiful on television! Go to another room. I don’t want anyone else to hear, okay?”
He pretended to go to another, trying his hardest not to laugh.
“14 karat gold with a 2 karat moisonite diamond and topaz chips.”
“Can I eat it?”
“Oh, typical man. No, it’s a ring and it’s only $349. The sale ends today so I have to call it in now. I don’t have the money to do it though.”
“Well that stinks.”
“Yeah, I know. Listen. I am going to give you the JTV number and the order number on this ring. Be sure to call them before 8 p.m. okay. If you call them after 8 it’s $599.”
“Do you want me to order it or buy it? I don’t understand.”
“Buy it of course. I have it all worked out. You buy the ring for me and when I die you can have it to give to Tracy as an engagement ring.”
“Wow, that escalated quickly.”
“Are you ready to take down the order number?”
“Diana, I can’t buy this ring. I don’t have $350 right now.”
“Oh that’s a lie. You keep Tracy fed and I KNOW she has to cost you an arm and a leg in just groceries.”
“That’s taking it a bit too far, don’t you think?”
“I know her weight offends you too. Maybe if you convince her to diet more?”
“She’s lost 45 lbs since April.”
“That’s not near enough. She’s going to die if she stays fat.”
“I am sure she is working as hard as she can to get the weight off.”
“I just worry, that’s all. I mean, she could roll the wrong way in her sleep and suffocate herself. How does she even get out? Does she have a wheelchair?”
“No, she isn’t bed bound. She’s only maybe what, 200 lbs?”
“200 lbs”
“She can hear me, I knew you weren’t in another room. Well, that’s good, she needs to hear this. Being that overweight is dangerous and disgusting. People are ashamed to be seen with you like this.”
“I think you should be more ashamed that you are asking a complete stranger to buy you jewelry in the very same conversation you insult his girlfriend.”
“So you’re buying the ring? That’s good. Let me get off the phone so you can call them. Remember, it’s the 2 karat Moisonite.”

She will be quite surprised when she receives on her doorstop  not an over-priced ring, but a hand mirror, some tape, and a framed picture of Thumper the rabbit with the quote “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all.”

While my life has changed dramatically over the years, she has remained a constant source of equal parts ignorance and entertainment. I would be lying if I said I hated her. I think maybe I pity her, but for the most part I know that I am the closest thing to a friend she has through it all. I may have an occasional chuckle at her expense, I suppose I need to also acknowledge the fact that she too has feelings and opinions. Yeah, I'll get right on that. Tomorrow. Maybe.


----------



## Foxee (Jul 20, 2015)

I'm going to be glad all day now that I clicked on this. Thanks for the laughs.


----------



## musichal (Jul 20, 2015)

Have you considered changing your phone number?  And address?  And name?  Maybe you could get in Witsec?  :icon_joker:

Good thread!


----------



## Saeria (Jul 20, 2015)

Thank you  I wasn't sure how a mostly dialog bit of prose would read to others. I really have considered going off the grid just to escape this woman! For the past 5 months now I have told her that I dropped my home and cell phones to save money, but it seems she has somehow discovered two things: my boyfriend's cell number, and  that he spends every evening at my house. She calls him at least 4 times a week just to get updates on me, if I have lost weight, am I showering, when was the last time I replaced my silverware. Her new thing now is trying to push him into marrying me as fast as possible so she is no longer "financially responsible for my well being." Let's ignore the fact that the last time I borrowed money from her was in 2012, and it was $1.25 because I didn't have change for the toll road. 
     I have documented so many odd conversations with her, so I have a feeling I will be compiling a second volume relatively soon. I can't wait to tell you about the birthday pony debacle of 2007.


----------



## Kevin (Jul 20, 2015)

You should interview her and do a biography: case study on uhmmm... I don't know what, but it's bound to be interesting. Maybe get her drunk or stoned one time, just to see what happens. Who knows, she might turn all giggly and sweet...


----------



## curtis (Jul 21, 2015)

Hilarious! I'm still laughing about Testicles and Balls.


----------



## Allysan (Jul 21, 2015)

Highly entertaining. Looking forward to the next installment! And I thought my grandma was nuts!!


----------



## TheWonderingNovice (Jul 21, 2015)

It's 1: 30 am and I have no regrets, this is hilarious. :coffeescreen:
You have a great deal of patience. 

Can't wait to read more of your work, hopefully not in wee hours of the morning.


----------



## curtis (Jul 25, 2015)

She seems like a case study that you would find in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It sounds like she has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I've know people with OCD and they can be extremely unreasonable. They get fixated on someone and there's little that can be done to alleviate the problem without medication.


----------



## Phil Istine (Jul 25, 2015)

An enjoyable read and funny - though very sad at the same time.  Sounds a bit like my brother.  He was once knocking at the door of my apartment at around midninght - I was in bed.  His latest obsession was a Pink Floyd video called "The Wall".  He had a copy in his possession and wanted to play it on my video recorder (yes, this was a long time ago).  I didn't even have one.  He had strong elements of OCD mixed in with his tourettes.  I've not seen him for a few years and we only live a couple of miles apart.  He is a decent person really but I can't cope with him around me.


----------



## patskywriter (Jul 26, 2015)

I really enjoyed this! I wouldn't call her "Satan," though. She's more pitiable than evil, at least in my opinion.


----------



## Reichelina (Apr 4, 2016)

This made my day. Thanks!


----------

