# The taste of you...



## Firemajic (Aug 27, 2015)

_*I can taste your I love you
lingering on my lips
 bitter as cheap spoiled wine
the sharp taste of betrayal
I gag on your deceit 
and vomit my pain






*_ _I can taste your I love you_
lingering on my lips
bitter as cheap spoiled wine
the sharp taste of betrayal
I gag on your deceit
and vomit my pain


----------



## MadzBear (Aug 27, 2015)

Wow. Super intense! I personally would take out the punctuation you have there - think it takes away a little from the distinctive imagery  
Also for some reason it's made me really want to listen to Poison & Wine by the Civil Wars xD
Nice work


----------



## Ariel (Aug 27, 2015)

Hi FM.  

I like the intense imagery and the raw emotion here.

You can cut out "the flavor" completely and change "lingers" to "lingering" and achieve a tighter image.  Despite having a cat named for it I actually rather dislike ellipses.  I think the punctuation you do have needs to be rethought as it's a bit sporadic.


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 28, 2015)

Thanks Madz and amsaw! I made the suggested changes.... much better! I appreciate your comments.. write on... Peace.


----------



## Crowley K. Jarvis (Aug 28, 2015)

Ooooh. 

Delightfully twisty. I thought it would be sickeningly sweet, but it was just sickening.  I like how you lead the reader down a set of tracks, and derailed those tracks, sending the train of thought exploding into the cliffside.


----------



## Sonata (Aug 28, 2015)

I did not see the original but definitely like the edited version.  So descriptive of love gone wrong.


----------



## Arthur G. Mustard (Aug 28, 2015)

Tense and emotional.  Oooooo nice, I can feel it.


----------



## jenthepen (Aug 28, 2015)

Somehow you manage to express unrestrained emotion in a carefully controlled form. Not sure how you do it but don't ever stop! :-D


----------



## Bard_Daniel (Aug 28, 2015)

Firemajic!

This is another good one. The contrast between your first two lines and the end is brilliant. You did a really good job on this! Two thumbs way up!


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your comments.. I completely appreciate them.. they are fabulous! Thanks to all who "liked" The taste of you"... write on... Peace..


----------



## rcallaci (Aug 29, 2015)

Firemage

A dark delight dripping with sardonic malice- 

warmest
bob


----------



## Lewdog (Aug 29, 2015)

I almost feel like this could be written about me, but I'm much too sweet to make someone vomit.  :champagne:


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2015)

Maesto... Grasshopper is very pleased...thank you..

Heeyyy dawwwg... lmao... Of course this could NEVER be about someone as charming and fabulous as you..


----------



## Bloggsworth (Aug 30, 2015)

I like it but, do away with the brown "ink" and the italics, with the exception of the _I love you_ as it, if in the same font it, at first sight, reads like an incomplete sentence; and as suggested, revisit the punctuation. Brown ink has the air of a schoolgirl crush or letter of complaint from a whiney maiden aunt in Prestatyn.


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 30, 2015)

Okkkkk....lmao!!! seriously hurt myself laughing... School girl crush??? Whiny ??? Maiden aunt??? OUCH!!! Bloggsworth... puleeze, tell me how you really feel....Unfortunately, you are right..lol...sooo, I will watchit in future poems...Thank you for reading this self indulgent poem...Your comments are appreciated... still not sure about punctuation... I am afraid of periods and commas.. write on...Peace...


----------



## Akarevaar (Aug 31, 2015)

'_*I can taste your I love you
lingering on my lips'

*__Shivers! _Even for those of us who've been lucky to never been in a situation like this, there is a type of primal honesty to this that forces a level of empathy. Well done.


----------



## am_hammy (Aug 31, 2015)

You never disappoint Fire!

I like that there's two of the same poem up there.I don't know what the original looked like,but to me the first version of the poem sounds extra firey and almost loud in the delivery, but the second one even though it has the same message, sounds colder but has the same kind of effect. One in agony and the other trying to bestow the agony. That was my take on it anyways I loved it and thank you for sharing =)


----------



## TipGrundlefunk (Aug 31, 2015)

I liked this.

It feels driven by vitriol, which is not particularly satisfying left unresolved, however, I accept that seems to be what this poem is about.

The internal emotion of the poem itself is unresolved which is in keeping with the theme.

Tip


----------



## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2015)

Akarevaar...
Hammy
Tip.. Thank you all for reading and for your fabulous comments.. They are this poet's absolute pleasure... write on... Peace.


----------



## escorial (Sep 4, 2015)

Condensed and bursting to expand itself...it was like thoughts and actions infused...cool


----------



## Firemajic (Sep 5, 2015)

Thank you Escorial! your comments are always soo fabulous... I appreciate... write on.. Peace..


----------



## PaintYourReality (Sep 8, 2015)

So intense and powerful. Wow! I love it, and I would love to read more!!


----------



## Firemajic (Sep 8, 2015)

heeeyyy PaintYourReality... welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, sooooo nice to meet you! Thank you for the pleasure of your comment... sublime... now, write ME a poem... write onnnn... peace???


----------



## David... (Sep 9, 2015)

I like this, very direct, straight from the gut (pun) intended.

David...


----------



## Firemajic (Sep 14, 2015)

Thanks for reading and commenting.. write on David... Peace.


----------

