# November 2015 - LM - Dream Thief - Scores



## kilroy214 (Dec 2, 2015)

*Lee C.*
*midnightpoet*
*amsawtell*
total
ppsage
19
18
18
55
Sleepwriter
18
17
17
52
bazz cargo
16
18
17.5
51.5
HaperCole
18
17
16
51
rcallaci
16
17
16.5
49.5
Darkkin
16
16
17
49
astroannie
17
17
15
49
godofwine
16
16
15
47
Hairball
16
16
14
46
ned
17
15
13.5
45.5
Teb
15
17
13
45
StephLondon
17
14
13
44
chrisatola
14
14
16
44
Smith
14
11
14
39
W.Goepner
14
12
13
39
ismith "The Column"
14
10
14
38
kilroy214 "Somniloquy"
-
-
-





In 1st place we have *ppsage* with "Dream Thief"
In 2nd, *Sleepwriter *with "It's Just Business"
and in 3rd, *bazz cargo *with "Captain Rehab And The Hunt For Moby Duck"

If there are any discrepancies, I would be grateful if you would bring them to my attention,
 and I will attempt to rectify them in any way possible. See you guys next month!  


Congratulations to all, members may now 'like' stories in the LM thread if they so chose. 
 And now, what you've all been waiting for, the scores!

[spoiler2=Lee C's scores] 1) Anonymous Entry "The Column" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1928906


 Author: Anonymous
 Story: "The Column"


 Grammar: 4 (Easily understood for the most part but verbose)
 Tone/Voice: 3  (appropriate but generic)
 Effect: 7 (good but a bumpy ride to the finale)
 Overall: 14


 Review:


 An interesting piece that could easily be pictured in the American west in the not too distant future, maybe having begun with water wars. Basically you're depicting a seemingly innocent scene that goes bang. The ending depicts the bang (and theme) well, but getting there didn't quite do it for me. 


 I thought the scene depiction was a bit verbose where it could have drawn the reader in better, in turn giving the ending more punch. A few examples of verbosity might be, "the dapple gray gelding," "He sat in the way of the plains stockmen that spend all too much time in the saddle," and "Kicking his left foot free of his stirrup, he swung his leg up, resting his calf on the withers of the gray." All descriptive but being potentially distracting rather than additive don't improve the story for me. 


 I do understand and appreciate that you were trying "lull" the reader in, but the excess descriptive text nagged at me to skip ahead. I did appreciate how you brought out the distracted mindset of the soldiers, and to me a hint of an old score to settle -- good depth.  


 A personal distracting item was, "Send up a SITREP to higher" as to me at least it's not a commonly used military vernacular to the layreader, such as AWOL might be. Maybe just saying something like, "Notify HQ there's no sign of a terrorist camp." would have worked as well. 


 I'm sure you're well aware of how difficult a five hundred plus meter sniper shot is. If you write future pieces involving partisan ambushes, you might also consider disabling vehicles to loot for parts and munitions if there's time :wink: 


 Nice effort :smile: As always, please understand I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please, and challenge writing I see potential in. Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 2)Anonymous Entry "Somniloquy"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1930036


 Author: Anonymous
 Story: "Somniloquy"


 Grammar: 4  (Easily understood but a bit verbose)
 Tone/Voice: 3  (appropriate but missed opportunity)
 Effect: 8  (good but not as engrossing as it might have been)
 Overall: 15


 Review:


 A clever idea, surprising in its simplicity, that's easily understood and for the most part flows well, but left me feeling it could have been executed better. 


 By being a bit verbose, I'm referring to such as "the Jean Paul Gaultier," "folding the card. He put it in the pocket of his tweed suit," "watched the running lights of planes come and go out of Terminal C." Such can be seen as adding atmosphere, but it's a benign atmosphere better suited to a longer work, that doesn't challenge the reader's concentration. Thus to me is missed opportunity. 


 There are ambush scenarios where an idyllic scene goes bang, and there are ambush scenarios where a sense of wariness is an important element. It seems to me your story fits the latter. The word counts of the bits I referred as verbose could have been used to invoke a vague sense of trepidation, to pull the reader in more effectively (thus missed opportunity). Mark was aware of what he'd done, and seeing Paul unexpectantly would have at least aroused suspicion that didn't come across to me early on. Such not necessarily in dialogue but maybe in contrasting thoughts to go along with the dialogue. 


 You did get me with the title, having to pull out the dictionary. Maybe it should have made me curious, but it had more the effect of disassociation until it gave away the punch line a little early. 


 Nice effort :smile: As always, please understand I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please, and challenge writing I see potential in. Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 3) Hairball Entry "no title" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1930565


 Author: Hairball
 Story: no title


 Grammar: 4 (Easily understood but reads a little awkward)
 Tone/Voice: 4  (good but bumpy to my eye)
 Effect: 8 (very good but could bring out the emotional depth better)
 Overall: 16


 Review:


 A very sweet little story that makes me feel bad in finding fault with the writing. Never the less that's the difficult task at hand so please forgive me. 


 Your opening is easily understood and immersing, but struck me as a little awkward. I don't know what others may think, but when I read:



                            The scenes inside 5-year-old Sandra’s head would not go away. Again, as the little redheaded girl lay sleeping, the horrors came back.


 Her father was standing over her, beating her with the belt. Her mother waved a vodka bottle, laughing.


 Sandra cried out in her sleep, waking herself up. 


“Sandra!” called a voice. “Sweetheart, have you have that awful dream again?”                     



I thought you might grab the reader's mind's eye better with something like:


-------------
The horror scenes began to replay in the little redhead girl's dream state. Her father standing over her, beating her with a belt, as her mother waved a vodka bottle, laughing. 


 Struggling to wake, Sandra cried out. 


 Then another voice broke through, "Sandra! Sweetheart, are you having that awful dream again?" and the cobwebs dispersed.
-------------


which would also get rid of that "have" instead of "had." 



“Yes, Mama, but I think something happened but I don’t know what it was."                     



 Maybe an extra "but" here, but then maybe how a confused little girl would talk.


 There are other places where I might have changed some wording, but it would be unfair to note them, being more my stylistic eye. You've got the storytelling down fairly well, here at least, but to me you might work on bringing out the emotion better, and doing so in a smoother flow.


 One other point to me is that you could have done with less dialogue tags. That being the case speaks to how well the story is structured. 


 Nice effort :smile: As always, please understand I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please even with such a sweet little story, and challenge writing I see potential in (though it made me feel like an ogre here). Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 4) ppsage Entry "Dream Thief" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931198


 Author: ppsage
 Story: Dream Thief


 Grammar: 4 (Very appropriate but maybe a little literary)
 Tone/Voice: 5  (flawless but for one small bump I may misunderstand)
 Effect:  10 (exceptional in its layered and confluent depiction)
 Overall: 19


 Review:


 This, to me, is exceptional writing in its depth, flow, and conciseness. A unique impression on theme, the erosion of habitat morphing into the erosion of faculties, with depth of character and allusions inherent. Even in its conciseness containing vivid mind's eye images of not only character but behavior (e.g. "She holds the phone to me pinched between forefinger and thumb like it's disgraced itself."). And with its conciseness of execution flowing so quickly one may reread for the pleasure and not easily forget. 


 The grammar to me was spot on, but maybe a bit literary for the (I won't say average because who knows what that is) reader. Sad to say, but the perfect image evoking words in the writer's mind, like hydrophilic and chthonic denizen for instance, could be lost on the reader. Another view is such words (relative to the reader's accustomed vocabulary) tend to interrupt the flow, and/or lessen the chance the reader will benefit from the intricate beauty of a story. The trade off is of course not dumbing down a story to the point it loses its beauty. 


 The one small bump in the flow that jumped out at me was:



                            If she dials me, it's because somebody's tired of dealing with her. "Let's call up Dean," they say, "he'll know what to do."                     



 Maybe I'm missing something, but there seems to be a disconnect, or a jump, between "she dials me" and the phrase with "they say." Still felt it wasn't enough to ping a full point for.


 To me, writing is truly engrossing when it engages the mind, not just entertains it. In this piece there were connecting layers of meaning between the flow of Spencer Creek, the mother's eroding faculties, and even the reference to T. S. Eliot's Four Quartets. I see the piece as coming full circle, as life does in robbing our dreams. 


 Though this came about as close to zenith as anything I've read, there's always the aspect that anything can be improved. So from my paper pedestal of "do as I say, not as I do" I tried to be as forthright as I could muster. 


 What can I say, well done :smile:  


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 5) W.Goepner Entry "REM SLEEP" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931287


 Author: W.Goepner
 Story: REM SLEEP


 Grammar: 3 (a bit distracting)
 Tone/Voice: 4  (good but bumpy)
 Effect: 7 (brought the idea home, though distractingly)
 Overall: 14


 Review:


 Ah, the evil Dr. Stine outwitted by our staunch fat cats :smile: I loved the idea, thinking the twist imaginative. The conveyance was a bit distracting to me though, in part likely because our speech influences differ. Also, I get the idea of a raucous meeting, but think you overdid it. On the other hand the twist came out of the blue, well executed in being unexpected :smile: 


 The nits that stood out to me follow.


 -------------


 Missing end quote in first paragraph, or errant open quote beginning the second. 


 The phrase "Persons have been noted to go ..." might read better as "Persons have been known to go ..." The word "noted" is awkward to me in having a different connotation. Alternatively the word "noted" suggests the sentence might benefit from reordering, maybe something like, "It's been noted that persons going for prolonged periods without this sleep, collapse into a coma like states ..." which would render the preceding sentence redundant. 



                            Ever since your people turned on your marvelous machine ...                     


Maybe saying "When your marvelous machine was activated ..." would reduce the repetition of a word in proximity. 



                            The assembly huddled together, a razed voice echoed from the group now and again.                     


Don't think the word "razed" is appropriate here, maybe "raised," or nothing as such is implicit. 


 Also "out come" is one word, "outcome."  


 The phrase "with terrorist" maybe should be "with a terrorist" or "with terrorists." 


 -------------


 Nice effort :smile: As always, please understand I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please, and challenge writing I see potential in. Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 6) StephLondon Entry "Dreams Stolen" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931287


 Author: StephLondon
 Story: Dreams Stolen


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (good but a bit pedestrian)
 Effect: 8 (clear and concise but shy of potential)
 Overall: 17


 Review:


 You certainly brought out that humankind is our own worst predator. A message I don't think can be told enough, but doesn't often have the impact it should. Though you made an admirable effort to bring out the emotion, it came across to me in part like an ID episode, sans the societal justice aspect. 


 My reservations with the writing here is one of lost opportunity. I'm not saying you should have been more explicit because to me that would diminish the piece. I do think you might have better alluded to the horrors of the experience and emotions involved, grabbing the reader by the shoulders and shaking them. Had such happened to me, I think I'd have been in a lasting rage, first maybe making the pastor's last moments as painful as possible. Others though might see only flight. Either way there's emotion to spare that can be played on. 


 You did also touch on the fear of societal perception, but again maybe not hard enough. 


 All in all I think you've got your ducks lined up in a row, but need to work a little harder on the evocation to entwine the reader better. Of course, as I've said elsewhere, I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please, and challenge writing I see real potential in. Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 7) Darkkin Entry "Song of a Thief" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931369


 Author: Darkkin 
 Story: Song of a Thief


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (poetically immersing, perhaps distractingly)
 Effect: 7 (the word play is beautiful to the point of veiling the story)
 Overall: 16


 Review:


 A nicely rendered piece of poetic prose portraying a fanciful scene with grace. I read this piece three times, enjoying the word flow and the faceted imagery it brought out. Even so, I'm left with the feeling that I'm not fully grasping the story, or maybe I'm trying to get more out of the story than is there. We have the child stalked by the Dream Thief, with both stalked by "They." The "They" in this case seemed to be those that conducted a purge (of books?). In the end the Dream Thief accomplishes her mission, but may be in peril herself. What also nags at me is, how are Dream Thief's goals in general different from "They?" and even the Dream Thief's intent is confusing.  That is, what is the contrast in the juxtaposition you superimposed? 


 I could go on, but the point is that I seem to be missing too much. I'm a bit dense and the vagueness of the story doesn't help. I'm at a loss as to what to suggest in bringing out more of a story. 


 I do enjoy reading this, but I'm more accustomed to the likes of Campbell McGrath where the fullness of the story is apparent to me. 


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 rcallaci Entry "The Stuff of Dreams" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931415


 Author: rcallaci  
 Story: The Stuff of Dreams


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (good but the pacing was a bit jarring)
 Effect: 7 (good overall, if a little simplistic in part)
 Overall: 16


 Review:


 Ah, the evolution of the Stepford Wives in attaining souls. I like the idea in its simplicity. 


 However, what I perceived in the pacing was a staccato delivery, with occasional strung together phrases that left me winded (e.g. "There was no way that her dream sequence protocols along ..."). To me, if you'd achieved something in-between it would have flowed smoother. 



                            I also can’t bear to see you suffer like this.                     


Here the word "also" seemed extraneous, additionally affecting the flow.


 Granted I'm crusty, but I felt the sentence "They cried holding on to ..." and to a lesser extent the ending, were a wee bit campy :smile: Then again, with my perception of opera (as you note) they may fit right in :smile: 


 Most of all though, this piece seemed a little flat and contrived to me. Maybe in the frame of a bigger story that wouldn't be noticeable, but alone it is.


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 9) bazz cargo Entry "Captain Rehab And The Hunt For Moby Duck" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931509


 Author: bazz cargo  
 Story: Captain Rehab And The Hunt For Moby Duck


 Grammar: 4 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (true to course for the most part)
 Effect: 8 (mostly as intended)
 Overall: 16


 Review:


 Who let this comic in? Now I'll have to clean the stage again :smile: 


 I must say that the alarm clock as a dream thief is quite [American meaning] inventive in its obviousness. And even I could understand your words here, so that's good :smile: I have no idea why you began with "Call me Izzy." though, but the following sentence aptly sets the tone of the piece. 


 I did stumble (no I haven't been sipping sherry ol' boy) on some of the wording, such as the use of "flecking" and the made up (to me) word "leviaduck." Also thought Captain Rehab's dialect would've been more consistent in utilizing the personal pronoun "ye."


 One place I felt you said too much was the sentence "Maybe they should have taken the ladies ..." as it's amply implied in the preceding. 


 Succinct ending to a nice effort, pure BC :smile: 


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 10) Teb Entry "Tale Of The Unexpected" 
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931493


 Author: Teb  
 Story: Tale Of The Unexpected


 Grammar: 4 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 3 (too mild)
 Effect: 8 (somewhat pedestrian)
 Overall: 15


 Review:


 A nice effort with an inventive idea that to me lacks oomph in delivery. There are good lines scattered throughout, but not enough to sustain the soul of the piece. As such it comes across a bit wordy. To hopefully get the idea across, I'm including a small off the cuff example of how I might have begun the delivery (obviously styles differ). 


 ----------
 In times past fears were rife, but with ever more battening of mental walls and fanciful horrors for entertainment, an eroding numbness has come over the land. Where once many were active in disturbing innocent minds, now most have withered with the task turning on them. Am I the last?
 ----------


 Of course that's but a start from which tension/anxiety must be maintained, building to the finale, all in a consistent voice that flows for maximum benefit. 


 One thing to watch for is using the same word unnecessarily in close proximity (e.g. "for how best to manifest myself to best effect.").


 Another is in a paragraph seemingly leaving one train of thought dangling in jumping to another, unless there's a beneficial effect. An example is the paragraph beginning, "But first I must make sure I am safe ..."


 Nice ending :smile: It may seem I've been a bit rough here, but I see potential I'm challenging to emerge. 


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 11) Ned Entry "Dream Thief"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1931766


 Author: Ned  
 Story: Dream Thief


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (appropriate enough)
 Effect: 8 (clear and concise but shy of potential)
 Overall: 17


 Review:


 An interesting piece, seemingly written with a real interest and experience in the subject matter. I see careful attention to grammar, flow, and portrayal, but with my pompous literary critic hat on what I don't see is depth. The writing is easy to follow save for a few phrases like "the third round of the FA Cup" which can be sluffed over in the sense of giving the impression of a minor interlude. 


 What caught my attention here is that the piece should be interesting to a fan, going beyond sportswriting to the character-centric, but there's no depth to the character to appeal to the non-fan. It's unfair to compare to a longer work, but as an example of what I'm trying to say, I once read a baseball book by Kevin Baker entitled "Sometimes You See It Coming." I'm not particularly interested in baseball, but found the book pulled me in with its depth of characterization. 


 So, my main concern with this piece is one of missed opportunity in not going beyond the semblance of an well-conveyed anecdote. It needs soul that the non-fan can see :smile: 


 A very good effort. But as I've said elsewhere, I'm a jaded old fart that's hard to please, and challenge writing I see real potential in. Thank you for the learning opportunity to see flaws in my own writing better. 


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 12) astroannie Entry "The Meaning of Love"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932042


 Author: astroannie  
 Story: The Meaning of Love


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (seemingly appropriate)
 Effect: 8 (clear and concise but shy of potential)
 Overall: 17


 Review:


 This is a very good take on the theme that I like, looking at it from the other end of life. Seems to me you had a message in mind and wove a story around it. The portrayal is good as far as it goes, and granted some teens could be so easily swayed, but hubris lacking experience is a powerful force at the teen stage. Though they might enjoy it, it's not the "Grams" that need to take something away here. 


 So, in the end, it comes across to me as a bit contrived or maybe pat. I think it needs more subtlety and depth to nag at the mind, and I realize that's very difficult to achieve in 650 words. Yes, this is the kettle calling the pot black, but what's the point of wisdom if one doesn't convey it in a manner the reader may more easily absorb? 


 What I'm saying is that you exhibit intelligence to spare, and from my paper pedestal I'm challenging you to use some of it to write more "seductively." 


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 13) HarperCole Entry "Insider Information"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932336


 Author: HarperCole  
 Story: Insider Information


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (appropriate)
 Effect: 9 (good)
 Overall: 18


 Review:


 Talk about pulling a rabbit out of the hat, this was very imaginative. It's beyond me to question the grammar and punctuation, nor even the British mangling of English (e.g. "metres") :smile: The only nit I noticed was:

                            just hitting the ball would enough of a challenge                     


maybe you meant "would be"


 For this type of story though, it did strike me as a smidge lacking in comedic oomph relative to keeping the reader off balance. Toadstools, elephants, and all that only go so far. You did shift to a venereal aspect, but that to me came off as a little dry. For example you might have followed the sentence, "Every single one of them was naked, save for a duvet wrapped around his or her waist." with "Tracy's(?) breasts were more voluptuous than imagined." or some such to bring out increasing arousal, not that it's ever far away in the mind :smile: 


 Nearer the beginning, I thought, "... pink nightgown, which was several sizes too small for him" might have been better more simply put as, "too short/reveling/?" or maybe just drop the "several sizes" to still tie in with, "Hypnosa’s grip on him had grown painfully tight" if that was intended. 


 What I'm getting at is if the humor/ludicrousness of the lead in kept the reader off balance more, the ending might have more impact. The old slight of hand idea. 


 You gotten to the point where for the most part it's nitpicking perception, and that's damn good writing to me. Doesn't mean I can't challenge you to do better :smile: 


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 14) chrisatola Entry "Laudanum Waves"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932336


 Author: chrisatola  
 Story: Laudanum Waves


 Grammar: 4 (understandable but questionable)
 Tone/Voice: 3 (distracting)
 Effect: 7 (mixed bag)
 Overall: 14


 Review:


 Hmmm, darkly imaginative might be the term here. A nice effort, but difficult to get immersed in. I think the endless show versus tell arguments in general are poppycock, but mixing the two as this piece does comes off poorly. I think the story could be brought out with character interaction or with exposition, where one or the other is clearly dominate, but not both in good measure. In other words, character interaction commonly benefits from trickled in exposition and vise-versa, where one in small doses simply augments the other. 


 I'm not all that knowledgable about the dogma of correct grammar and punctuation, but I found the mix of dashes, semicolons, and sentence fragments distracting, which does little to help the story. 


 Some specific nits I had are:



“There’s gotta be some here, Johnny,” She muttered distractedly, burrowing deeper into the pile.                     


"desperately" might have better fit the actions and story line



                            He waited, knowing her and her fierce stubbornness                     


reads awkwardly to me, one phrase being a refinement of the other, fewer words would do



                            He drifted, thoughts somnolent. No one had unstrategic sleep anymore ...                     


An example of where vocabulary shifted in a distracting fashion. "Drowsy" would have done just as well as "somnolent" and helped the tone. Additionally, "unguarded" would have been a less obscure way of saying "unstrategic" thus also helping to maintain the tone. 


 As noted, a nice effort with a darkly imaginative story, but to me it needs a lot of work in delivery. 


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 15) Sleepwriter Entry "It's Just Business"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932393


 Author: Sleepwriter  
 Story: It's Just Business


 Grammar: 5 (good)
 Tone/Voice: 4 (seemingly right on for the most part)
 Effect: 9 (good)
 Overall: 18


 Review:


 There is so much inhumanity in human nature, that given the prompt a few such stories were bound to come out. This is a meaningful story that says a lot more than surface reading renders. 


 I'm picking on you here because your story is well executed, believing you can excel :smile: 



                            It was the night of the new moon he could barely see his hand in front of his face.                     


either needs an "and" or rewording/rearranging 



“On your feet, it’s time to go!” a disembodied voice shouted.                     


I would have left out "disembodied" as it would seem implicit in the scene and no identified source



                            Carlos looked around as nineteen shadows came to life and began rising from the ground.                     


or more succinctly "Carlos looked around as nineteen shadows stirred." 
 Same effect and the story maintains a brisk pace.



                            Fifty feet away, ...                     


Specifics that are actually relative approximations given the scene distract the detail savvy reader. Keep it imprecise/vague as in "A short distance away ..." or the like.



                            The guide smiled when he reached him. His mouth was full of bits of refried beans where his teeth should be. He leaned in close to Carlos.                     


Doesn't quite fit the scene and could be more concise. In the dark Carlos likely wouldn't discern what was in the guide's mouth. Nice augmenting characterization, but maybe:
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Reaching Carlos, the guide seemed to smile. Leaning in close he said, “Only the bravest stand at the end.” with a rancid breath that turned Carlos's stomach. 
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or some such.


 "muchachos" would indicate all young men in the party if that's what you intended to convey, or maybe just irreverent wording on the guide's part.


 And so on, I think you get the idea. The guide's poor grammar is a nice touch and not overdone.


 The piece has depth, is well written, and flows well, but I believe you can do better with the delivery :smile: 


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 16) godofwine Entry "Sweet Dreams"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932409


 Author: godofwine  
 Story: Sweet Dreams


 Grammar: 5 (understandable)
 Tone/Voice: 3 (wordy)
 Effect: 8 (good but lacking)
 Overall: 16


 Review:


 A nice little turned-tables piece that is clearly articulated. 


 This is of course a short story competition, and to me the art of the short story (as opposed to the likes of an anecdote) is in the evocative conciseness of packing in, if you will, meaning/depth/entertainment/? that melds in a whole — i.e. says a lot in a few words. 


 This is a nice story, but to me it suffers from too much detail. The extra wording could have been used to bring out the contrasting characters and emotions better, making it a more evocative read. Now, if I could only practice what I preach :smile:


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 17) Smith Entry "Soothsaying"
http://www.writingforums.com/threads...=1#post1932409


 Author: Smith  
 Story: Soothsaying


 Grammar: 4 (understandable)
 Tone/Voice: 3 (a bumpy ride)
 Effect: 7 (confusing)
 Overall: 14


 Review:


 I think you've got an inventive switcheroo story here, involving a third party patsy of sorts, with an added mind bending component it might seem. I found it difficult to follow though, having to read it twice. There are some good lines, but odd detail crops up exacerbating comprehension to make for a bumpy read. For example, I have no idea what "balding," or "I’ve a wife,” has to do with anything, nor why the mind bending(?) component is even needed in the story. To me, a necessary ingredient of a short story is that all the words, sans connectors, should be as additive to the story as possible. 


 I know I'm a little dense, but I believe this story could benefit from more articulate conveyance of the key aspects, and improving the flow to better impart the story to the reader. 


 Nice effort :smile:


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[spoiler2=midnightpoet's scores] Author: Anonymous

 Story: The Column
 Spelling/Grammar:4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall: 10

 Review: The story, especially the first paragraph, was a little wordy and crammed with adjectives.  Frankly, it was a long lead-up to (apparently) an assassination of the field commander (I think) – to me, not much happening and the end was unclear as to what did happen.  You mentioned the prompt, but the reasoning was a little fuzzy; also, you had too many characters for so short a piece.  I think you have a good potential here, but there needs to be more conflict and suspense to make the story interesting. 



 Author: Anonymous
 Story: Somniloquy
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall: 12

 Review: I liked the story overall, it’s a good interpretation of the prompt and very clear.  It does have problems; one, you should make new paragraphs for each speaker.  Otherwise, the narrative seems crammed together.  A good twist ending, but really not much happened.  Any conflict was toward the end, and really didn’t amount to much in my opinion.  The excessive drinking turned me off – I’m not a drinker, but I’m not a prude either. I’m assuming you were trying to convey nervousness, but it didn’t work for me.  Like a storm of four letter words, it was just too much – like you were trying too hard.


 Author: Hairball
 Story: No title
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 16

 Review: I liked this, a pleasant tale.  I don’t know if magic is involved here, like the grandmother was a fairy godmother, but it worked.  Two things; one, I believe you could have enriched the tale by using all your allotted word count.  Two, it’s really a little sugary without a balance of conflict in the narrative.  You hint at the little girl’s real parents, but just a cursory note.  I believe you could improve your tale by expanding on her troubles, and you have room to do it.  Still, good job.


 Author: ppsage
 Story: Dream Thief
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 9/10
 Overall: 18

 Review: This is very good; there was an underlying tension between the narrator and the mother, which brought out the prompt successfully.  I suppose I could complain about the few ten-dollar words you used, but actually they fit well under the literary theme. 


 Author: W.Goepner
 Story: REM Sleep
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall: 12



 Review: Interesting, if a little convoluted.  Several SPAG problems – misspelled words, missing commas. missing words.  “Steel the dreams…” S/B steal.  A lot of unnecessary words.  Go back over your story, many places need tightening up.  I had a hard time figuring out how the prompt figured here, and am still not sure.


 Author: StephLondon
 Story: Dreams Stolen
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall: 14

 Review: Interesting variation on the prompt.  I really didn’t find many problems, but the story fell flat for me.  I think it’s because it seems the aftermath of a scene. 


 Author: Darkkin
 Story: Song of a Thief
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 16

 Review: This was very evocative, filled with imagery and well written.  The main problem to me was that nothing much happened.  Actually, I’m not sure what happened.  One problem for me was confusion between the narrator and the child.  It would have helped if you had given the narrator a name.  There is a vague reference as some kind of threat, but it is not explained, and this caused unanswered questions in my mind – which is one of the reasons the ending was not satisfying.




 Author: rcallaci
 Story: The Stuff of Dreams
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17

 Review: I like this, good characterization and inner conflict of a cyborg.  Intriguing variation on the prompt.  My main nit on this was that there was too much background and not enough action.  Some sentences could be improved by re-write, and some showed passive voice, but overall great stuff.


 Author: Bazz Cargo
 Story: Captain Rehab and the Hunt for Moby Duck
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18

 Review: I should give you points for the title alone.  This was great; I half expected the duck to fly off with the captain, and was actually disappointed as the last lines show it’s probably a dream. I still can’t figure out why you don’t use all your word count.


 Author: TEB
 Story: Tale of the Unexpected
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17

 Review: Clever, I liked the ending, the monster gets his comeuppance.  My main nit here is too much background and not enough action.  You spent too many words describing the monster and not enough on the child. 


 Author: ned
 Story: Dream Thief
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 15

 Review: Another interesting variation on the prompt.  My only nit is some formatting issues – some paragraphs not separated properly.  Good job.



 Author: astroannie
 Story: The Meaning of Love
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17

 Review: I liked this, good interpretation of the prompt.  I’m not sure if the si-fi element works here; it was a conversation that could have happened pretty much anytime, anywhere.  It feels like you shoe-horned the si-fi in the story just so you could call it si-fi.  Well written, good character development for such a short piece.



 Author: HarperCole
 Story: Insider Information
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17



 Review: Very good, I liked it.  Clever idea on the prompt, and just a few SPAG errors. Well written.  You left some questions – did the wife do it?  How did this happen - was magic involved?  Not altogether bad things.

 Author: chrisatola
 Story: Laudanum Waves
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 14


 Review: Interesting, and I’ll admit I don’t know much about the subject so I can’t speak on how plausible this is.  Laudanum seems a strange choice, still available but highly regulated, it seems old fashioned.  Although this was in general well written, the story didn’t really grab me.


 Author: Sleepwriter
 Story: It’s just Business
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 9/10
 Overall: 17


 Review: This was very good; I realized quickly what this was about, although that is not a criticism.  Good characterization for such a short piece and the ending, while violent, made a strong statement.  A few missing commas, and I am surprised that the coyote would risk getting caught by firing a weapon.




 Author: Godofwine
 Story: Sweet Dreams
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 16


 Review: This is similar to another story here, the child triumphing over the monster/troll.  I thought it was quite good.  I’m not sure the father was even necessary; he didn’t add much to the story.   A couple of questions – was the window open?  If the troll can walk through glass, why not walk through walls?  Did the troll not realize the girl was awake?
 Good job overall.

 Author: Smith
 Story: Soothsaying
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 3/10
 Overall: 11


 Review: Well written, I just couldn’t figure it out.  The connection with the prompt is vague, and frankly the story is very convoluted.  It made no sense to me.  I understand some kind of trick was involved, but why was it necessary?  If Wilde had already bribed the guards, what did he need Sheppard for?  What dreams did Wilde steal? This was just too confusing and made absolutely no sense to me.   [/spoiler2]



[spoiler2=amsawtell's scores]  *Title:* The Column
_Author:_ Anonymous

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 14/20

 The action was smoothly written and I get the sense that this is a huge world—there’s a lot going on and I’m only getting a taste.  While this isn’t a bad thing it’s a little confusing with so few words to flesh out a story.  There are also certain descriptions and phrases that made me ask “is this important to know?” 

For example, why do I need to know about the “old high back western saddle” or even the way this character sits in that saddle or the brand of binoculars?

 There are also two point-of-view transitions that were a little difficult to follow upon first reading them.  I thought that the Captain was peering through the binoculars that the old man had put away and later I thought that Jess was part of the military team in the middle part.  It took a lot of reading for me to figure out that these are three different groups of people.  I would suggest that on revision that you choose one point-of-view and stick with that or make these transitions more apparent.

_“Tipping back his batter felt hat . . .”_
His hat is made of batter?  Or do you mean “battered?”  

_“Now they were looking for a large terrorist camp where for months there has been nothing but decrepit ranches.”_
There should be commas around “for months” as it’s an aside.  “Has” should be “had.”

_” . . .we’ll get the hell out of here Sergeant!”_
There should be a comma before “sergeant.”

*Title:* Somniloquy
_Author:_ Anonymous

*SPaG:* 4.5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 15.5/20

 The half point from SPaG is for spacing.  It’s not a huge deal but it’s a little hard to read.  I feel like I’ve read similar stories before—however—this is really well written.

*Title:* Untitled
_Author:_ Hairball

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 14/20

 If only this were possible, huh?  I like the idea behind this.

 The first two lines are a weak opening and are passive voice.   Is Mama foreign?  There’s a cadence to her speech that is awkward and not really natural for a native English speaker.  Part of that is the formality of what she says and part of it is that the terms of endearment seem old-fashioned.

_”Sweetheart, have you have that awful dream again?”
The first have should be “did.”

*Title:* Dream Thief
Author: ppsage

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 8/10

*Overall:* 18/20

 There’s always something in your work that’s just a little beyond me and just out of my grasp.  I don’t know if maybe I’m just not smart enough or if the word count for this challenge isn’t high enough.  This isn’t a bad thing but it always takes me a while to think through your stories.

 The part of your story I had to think through this time was the relationship of Spencer Creek to the rest of the story.  I would not recommend getting rid of that part because, now that I get it, it just deepens the meaning.

 The story itself has a lovely, melancholy feel.

*Title:* REM SLEEP
Author: W. Goepner

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 This has the potential to be a scathing remark on the state of politics in our country.  I rolled my eyes at first at the last line about not negotiating with terrorists and the “good old boy” feel—then I thought about George W. Bush and felt it was accurate.

”Dreams ebb and flow in this time period where we are able to relax, so completely we feel as if we are in another reality.”
I think the comma can be dropped or the word “completely.”

“ . . . from which a percentage do not ever awaken.”
What percentage?

”Which, Senator is to steel the dreams of others, keeping them from wanting more.”
 “Senator” should have a comma after it as well because it is an aside.  “Steel” should be “steal,” and a comma alone isn’t strong enough to hold these two clauses together.  I recommend a dash instead of a comma.

”Ever since your people turned on your marvelous machine . . .”
You can drop “ever” and capitalize “since” without losing anything.

“ . . . he paused lifting a thin metallic band . . .”
There should be a comma after “paused.”

”A chorus of yells affirmed.”
What?

”The assembly huddled together, a razed voice . . .”
 “Razed” should be “raised.”

“ . . . What do you plan on gaining by convincing us to do either.”
The period should be a question mark.

”Of course one such as yours would require a great amount of guarding . . .”
 “Guarding” should be “security.”

 “. . . The US does not make deals with terrorist!”
There should be a period after U and after S.  Also, terrorist should be plural.

”Our inhibitors, worked . . .”
Drop the comma.
----------
*Title:* Dreams Stolen
Author: StephLondon

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 This is a tough subject to write about and you’ve shown a lot of courage doing so for a short competition.  

 There were a few things that detracted from your story.  The opening paragraph doesn’t read like a newspaper article and you kept slipping into passive voice. 
 I appreciate the idea of running away after a brutal attack and betrayal of this sort but the execution fell just a little short and there were some lines that made me question the reality of Jennifer’s side of the story.

”Where had that gotten her? It had sent her straight into the arms of that, that . . . monster.” 
This implies a willingness on Jennifer’s part.  Usually the phrase “sent into his arms”—no matter the context implies that the woman went to the man willingly for comfort or something else.  I don’t think this is what you intend so I would drop this part or reword it.

*Title:* Song of a Thief
Author: Darkkin

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 17/20

 This feels poetic.  You definitely have your own voice and your own world of magic and imagination.  This was lovely and strange.  Thanks for the journey.

*Title:* The Stuff of Dreams
Author: rcallaci

*SPaG:* 4.5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 16.5/20

 This is incredibly sweet and poignant.  I guess androids do dream of . . . dragons.  I liked the exploration of humanity through machine you’ve done here.

”There was no way that her dream sequence protocols along with her memory stems that he programmed . . .”
I would change “her” in this to “the.”  It’s just personal opinion so I haven’t counted you down for it.

Humans and her Cyborg counterparts live in fear every day, why not her as well.
 Even if it is rhetorical this is still a question and needs a question mark.

*Title:* Captain Rehab and the Hunt for Moby Duck
Author: Bazz Cargo

*SPaG:* 4.5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 8/10

*Overall:* 17.5/20
 This had me laughing the whole way through.  I think this is one of my favorite short stories, now.

”The Captains glass eye . . .”
The glass eye belongs to the captain and so he needs an apostrophe to show possession of it.

*Title:* Tale of the Unexpected
Author: Teb

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 This had a nice surprise ending.

 The first line is a bit of a cliché but we can work with that.

”Talking dogs battling monsters that were never real, cartoons about ‘friendly’ ghosts and other assorted ones that made children no longer fear the dark and it’s supposedly imaginary inhabitants.”
You can drop “assorted ones” and change “other” to “others” and still get this point across.  Also, “it’s” is a contraction for “it is” in this instance you want the possessive form “its.”

”I circle the house, savouring the prospect and feeling for how best to manifest myself to best effect.”
This is redundant.  Put a period at the end of “myself” and drop the rest.

” . . . overbearingly pink, where stuffed toys glare with dead eyes at me from every corner and flat surface but I pay them no attention . . .”
This is a bit of a run-on, isn’t it?  Put a period after “surface” and drop the “but.”

The child tosses about under the pink covers, eyes fluttering under closed lids as it dreams the dreams of an innocent.”
You can drop “the” from “the pink covers.”  I would also change “covers” to “blankets” but that’s just me.  I would also recommend changing “it” to “she.”

”The little girl looks up smiling at me but uncertainty flashes behind her eyes . . .”
This is another run-on.  Put a comma after “up,” a period after “me,” drop “but,” and capitalize “uncertainty.”

”As I land I change shape again to a bat, only to find myself pounced upon by the dinosaur.”
The comma should be moved to just after “land.”

”So now I find myself strapped to a chair . . .”
Drop the “so” and capitalize “now.”

*Title:* Dream Thief
Author: ned

*SPaG:* 4.5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 5/10

*Overall:* 13.5/20

 Nice sports story.  Glad the rookie saved the day.

 There’s a problem with spacing here that made this rather difficult to read.

*Title:* The Meaning of Love
Author: AstroAnnie

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 15/20

 This is a strong message for anyone who finds themselves in “love.”  I wish my mother had warned me of this long ago.

*Title:* Insider Information
Author: HarperCole

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 16/20

 This left me wanting to know more.  Who are these girls?  Where did this ability come from?  Do they ever escape?

*Title:* Laudanum Waves
Author: Christola

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 16/20

 This idea is terrifying.  I like sleep and I like sleeping.  I would hate to be cut off from natural sleep.

 The first line is passive and telling.  I would drop it and start the story with the next line.

*Title:* It’s Just Business
Author: Sleepwriter

*SPaG:* 5/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 17/20

 This was sad.  The guide is terrifying.  Well done.

*Title:* Sweet Dreams
Author: Godofwine

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 15/20

 You have a knack for creating exciting scenes and stories—sometimes they’re a little overblown but when you settle to it you can create some really good stories.  This is one of those times.

 Janie is a great character—I like that she takes the action into her own hands and doesn’t look for a savior.

 Is the first part about the football game important?  You could cut it short and still be able to bring Martin back in the end to check on his daughter without the reader being surprised or confused.

”11:29PM”
There’s a space missing here.

“attached to the head of a 7” troll . . .”
Spell out “7 inch.”

”On the troll’s back, a backpack that glowed bright purple . . .”
You can drop “that” from this sentence and not lose anything.

“. . . a hand in the air meekly in defense.”
Meekly here throws the sentence off.

”As electricity surged through his body the troll screeched loudly.”
This is already stated in the previous paragraph and doesn’t need to be said again.

*Title:* Soothsaying
Author: Smith

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 14/20

 This was a little confusing.  Why would Wilde involve Sheppard at all?  Is he just meant to take the fall for the theft or break-in?  [/spoiler2]_


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## rcallaci (Dec 2, 2015)

I thank you all - the judges and the host- 

This flash piece is a part of a longer story. I intend on doing a whole series of long and short shorts on The world Juliana inhabits. I corrected the sub title - "Androids do indeed dream of Heaven and Hell" although I like 'Dragons" I may change it.. I'll rework this piece -a little tweak here and there but overall I'm proud of it and Juliana is quite happy she has a soul...  

Congrats to ppage, sleepwriter and bazz-great stories- as For bazz's story I howled all the way through the reading


happy writing
bob


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## Sleepwriter (Dec 2, 2015)

A big thank you to the judges and our host!!

The competition was fierce.   Congrats to ppsage and Bazz as well.


Lee, not feeling picked on at all.  critiques like yours only makes me stronger.  

Midnight,  yeah those commas and I still aren't on good speaking terms.

Amsawtell,  I'm glad you liked it.


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## ppsage (Dec 2, 2015)

If Ma dials me, it's because somebody's tired of dealing with her. "Let's call up Dean," they'll tell her, "he knows what to do."


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## Darkkin (Dec 2, 2015)

Congrats to all and a big thank you to the judges.  :thumbl:  I did all right and got an awesome start on a new project.  Ah...Parfait projects!


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## LeeC (Dec 2, 2015)

Thanks for clearing that up for me ppsage ...  they'll tell her ... didn't dawn on this dullard  ... was wrapped up in the evocation and concise confluence of the story ... an exceptional piece among stiff competition  

Actually the whole experience was a bit draining to me, in a good way  A lot of effort went into these stories, which didn't go unnoticed.


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## kilroy214 (Dec 2, 2015)

I posted the totals for the scores as opposed to the averages because I was getting some drastically long fractions for the scores. I hope this did not rub anyone the wrong way.


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## Hairball (Dec 3, 2015)

HOLY CRAP!

Oh dear Heavens, I am SOOOOOO happy!! Oh my my my.....I agree with all the scores!! YAY!

I'm babbling, sorry. I pulled up the chart and looked for my entry on the bottom first or not at all. i kept scrolling up, probably reading too fast and didn't see my entry at all.

I was so thrilled to see our winner, I didn't look again. I am so happy for ppsage..

And I saw me somewhere in the middle, lower middle when I looked again but OH MY!!

This is so encouraging I feel I'm walking on air right now! You all have no idea how happy I am just to be in the chart!!

ppsage, Congratulations! 

I was so afraid to try...but just being counted has given me more joy and encouragement than all of you will ever know!

Woooohooooo!

Heavens, I love this place!


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## W.Goepner (Dec 3, 2015)

First thank you judges. Then congragulations to the winner. Again I find some critiques I can use to strengthen my work. After looking at the scores and how the story appeared to you, then going back and reading it again. I find I am still lacking in some rudamenterary skills. Thank you again I will attempt to write better.


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## Hairball (Dec 3, 2015)

W.Goepner said:


> First thank you judges. Then congragulations to the winner. Again I find some critiques I can use to strengthen my work. After looking at the scores and how the story appeared to you, then going back and reading it again. I find I am still lacking in some rudamenterary skills. Thank you again I will attempt to write better.



Yes and yes. I liked your entry. Like me,we'll be better later, I am sure. We'll work on it. With so much help here, we can't go wrong. We'll both strive to do the best we can, and lean on each other for encouragement and help.

I will always be here for all of you.

I may be a crazy cat lady....but no one is perfect. I'm here for all of you.


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## Harper J. Cole (Dec 3, 2015)

Congratulations as ever to the winners and my thanks to the judges for their time.

:champagne:

*Lee C*: Looks like I'd have got a higher score if I'd mentioned voluptuous breasts; I'll keep that in mind for future contests. :tongue:
*midnightpoet*: Glad you enjoyed it. I think there's an error with your scores for me, as the components only add up to 16, not 17.
*amsawtell*: Yes, that word limit got me again. I struggle to do more than tease bigger ideas.


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## midnightpoet (Dec 3, 2015)

HarperSorry about that.  Math was never one of my best subjects.  Should have taken my socks off.


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## godofwine (Dec 3, 2015)

Congrats to the winner ppsage and all of the participants. I had a great time with this story and I felt so comfortable with the topic that I wrote it in two days. midnightpoet had a couple of questions real quick.

_Review: This is similar to another story here, the child triumphing over the monster/troll.  I thought it was quite good.  I’m not sure the father was even necessary; he didn’t add much to the story.   A couple of questions – was the window open?  If the troll can walk through glass, why not walk through walls?  Did the troll not realize the girl was awake?
 Good job overall._

Thank you for the review. The father in the story was necessary because he didn't walk into the room to give his daughter a goodnight kiss was because she was a light sleeper, which was a bit of foreshadowing info necessary to explain why she'd woken up during the attempted dream caper. Though the football game wasn't necessary, it gave him a reason to be downstairs. The father's purpose was pointing out her penchant for being a light sleeper and his mission was going upstairs to bed on the way from a disappointing football game. The troll didn't realize the girl was awake as he paused at least twice to watch or listen to ensure that he'd succeed in his mission. The reason he was caught/killed was because was a light sleeper, so the father not walking into the daughter's room because of...was an important detail to the story. 

As far as the window being open, I don't know. I had that detail written in and eliminated for space. 

Thank you judges for a great contest and taking the time to review all of our work.


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## aj47 (Dec 3, 2015)

Thank you judges, and congrats to the winners.


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## J Anfinson (Dec 3, 2015)

Congrats pp.


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## godofwine (Dec 3, 2015)

amsawtell, I want to thank you for your review in particular. There is a guidance in your reviews that amateurs like us just don't get elsewhere. Small, subtle ticks - some not quite mistakes that are words to grow on, some are errors common to us and would be repeated in future writings if they weren't brought to our attention. Working on my own novel, I will use all of the objective criticism I can get, especially when it comes with examples of why it was wrong and it makes sense. 

With the "_that" _I believed that it was necessary to include that word. it is what I was taught as proper English. In the next, I added meekly because I tried to paint a picture too perfectly and give the reader an exact, almost comical description of the action, which as I read now is unnecessary. 

”On the troll’s back, a backpack _*that *_glowed bright purple . . .”
You can drop “that” from this sentence and not lose anything.

_“. . . a hand in the air *meekly *in defense.”_
Meekly here throws the sentence off.


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## ned (Dec 4, 2015)

*
congrats to Ppsage, Sleepwriter and Bazz cargo - terrific stories

and thanks to the judges - for making it real .....(dont know what's going on with the format here!)

Ned
*


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## chrisatola (Dec 5, 2015)

Thanks, judges! Fun challenge, and great stories.


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## bazz cargo (Dec 9, 2015)

Third!!!!!!

Great galloping cheeses and biscuits!!!

@ Lee. There is a famous book that starts 'Call me Ishmael.' _Izzy... _Hmmmm?

I will let you all into  my weird thoughts. The writers who enter the LM are serious about their work, and justifiably so. I, on the other hand, am having just the best time playing the fool. The challenge of thinking of something that no-one else could possibly come up with is fun, I was worried that my alarm clock idea was not going to be unique.

One day I found myself writing yet another downbeat dystopia type story and thought, 'hang on, the poor judges have to trawl through one well written but bleak story after another. _No!_ I thought, time to lighten their load. If I get a laugh I win.

PP Sage handed out another pearl of wisdom. Titles are a writer's calling card, hand them out wisely. So I work hard on them, in this case the title came first. 

Thanks to Killer for organising this swarray, The judges and my fellow contestants. Rock on with the next one.


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