# A Darkening night



## gerdun (Jun 26, 2017)

The sky turns grey as a tombstone   

  And the land darkens into dusk 

  As the sun lurks, towards the night



  As bushy tailed squirrels scurry 

  Towards the soft burbling croaks

  Of a liquorice raven’s lament 



  The smell of dead peppery leaves 

  Lingers on wheezing frosty air

  Where rotting bones settle, ungrieved 


  The bare and grainy porch boards play

  A dry, creaking, old dirge of death

  Rejoicing the last breath of day



  A wet swoosh of wind rises loud

  In the rustling, crackling branches  

  Where startled eyes timidly stare 



  I swirl my final dregs of beer

  And think I taste the warm laughter 

  Of old friends. And stifle a tear.


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## Sebald (Jun 26, 2017)

I had no idea you were a poet. It's lovely. Can't suggest any improvements.

Possibly 'bushy-tailed'? That's the only familiar phrase. 

Everything else is really fresh.

Love the last stanza. A burst of warmth and light and humanity, very touching.


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## sas (Jun 26, 2017)

Very nicely done. Somehow I'd like the tear not to be stifled, though, but to mix with the dregs. What do you think?


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## Firemajic (Jun 26, 2017)

gerdun said:


> [FONT="]
> 
> The sky turns grey as a tombstone
> The sky turned to grey tombstone
> ...





I think this poem shows a lot of promise, and your imagery is strong... just tweak and polish this melancholy gem...


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## ned (Jun 26, 2017)

hello - enjoyed your sombre poem - the mood and the voice combining to great effect.

plenty of good advice already given, so can only offer tuppence worth.

The sky turns tombstone grey...

The land darkens....opportunity for imagery here....the hills darken etc

I swig the final dregs of beer.......to chime with taste in the next line.

and yes, the last line needs a stronger resolution.

well worth working on....Ned


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## gerdun (Jun 27, 2017)

Hi Sas,
Thanks for reading.
Unfortunately, I am a product of a strict 70's boarding school/alcholic parental vacation upbringing.
Where 'Boy's don't cry'.'
A stifled tear is at the moment the most I can offer.
Bucket loads shed internally though ;]
Gerald


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## gerdun (Jun 27, 2017)

Hi Sebald,
Thanks for reading.
by no means would I consider myself a poet.
Although I do enjoy the challenges of poetry .
I believe that I have much to learn here.
I am curious what you would use in place of 'bushy-tailed'?
Gerald


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## gerdun (Jun 27, 2017)

Hi Firemajic
Thanks for the corrections and suggestions.
I will ponder.
Gerald


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## gerdun (Jun 27, 2017)

Hi Ned
Letting yours and the others advicr filter into my grey cells before attempting a rewrite.
Thanks 
Gerald


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## Sebald (Jun 27, 2017)

gerdun said:


> Hi Sebald,
> Thanks for reading.
> by no means would I consider myself a poet.
> Although I do enjoy the challenges of poetry .
> ...



You're too modest, G. There are so many lines in here that I love. I started to select my favourites, but realised I'd have to quote the whole poem.

'Of a liquorice raven's lament' is particularly stunning (I've tried to think of a word for that bird's oily blackness before, and didn't get anything as good).

I'll think about the squirrels and get back to you.


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## Sebald (Jun 27, 2017)

'tail-heavy' squirrels? (they look as if they're mostly tail... and 'heavy' fits with the mood, and makes me think of damp fur in evening mists... and the phrase kind of brings to mind 'world-weary').

Fat-bottomed? Pear-shaped?


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## ned (Jun 27, 2017)

As bushy tailed squirrels scurry ?

First, it doesn't need 'As' - and it's obvious that squirrels are bushy tailed

perhaps, another description - red or grey? bright-eyed, cautious or playful etc

just a thought....Ned


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 27, 2017)

Very worthwhile poem. Glad I stumbled upon it.

Well done Gerald!


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## Space Cadet (Jun 27, 2017)

gerdun said:


> Hi Sebald,
> Thanks for reading.
> by no means would I consider myself a poet.
> Although I do enjoy the challenges of poetry .
> ...




_As ground squirrel scurries _(or) _As a tree squirrel scurries_

_Towards the soft burbling croaks

Of a liquorice raven’s lament_


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## Space Cadet (Jun 27, 2017)

gerdun said:


> [FONT=&Verdana]
> The sky turns grey as a tombstone   [/FONT]
> 
> And the land darkens into dusk
> ...




I really enjoy this poem.  Def. keen on the push to make it even more melancholy per Firmajic.   The images in here are delightful, fresh.    I like the squirrel in there btw.  There are lots of different kinds of squirrels.  I'm not an expert though.  

The last three lines -- there's the kicker.  After reading a poem a few times on here, I try to evolve a line or two just for feedback from my perspective (see below).  Sometime it's shite, sometimes not so much.  Thanks for sharing.  Enjoyed reading your piece.  -- Wesley.  
_

Towards a soft, gurgled croak
of a liquorice raven’s lament,
the bare and grainy porch boards play
dried creaks of an old dirge of death
rejoicing the last breath of day.
_
_And the land darkens into dusk.
The sky turns tombstone grey._

_The smell of dead peppery leaves 
linger with the frost in the air,
where rotting bones settle, ungrieved.
_


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