# Finality



## MrTickle (Oct 16, 2016)

*This is a prose poem I wrote. I know it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I appreciate anyone that reads it. Thank you!*

I play jazz at night

And I care for Samantha in the day.

She likes that window

Gazing from her wheelchair at the desert highway

At The cars and the building traffic

Hoping to witness cars colliding and red lights twirling.

I have to leave her at night

And electrify with my saxophone in a mansion in the woods

In front of silhouettes who only shadow the talented.

And I come home and tell Samantha

'I was useless, so they told me'

I take a large whiskey even though I drank plenty.

I sip it next to her at the window sill.

her smile happy in this pity

I'm just happy, she's not dreaming of our infinity


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 19, 2016)

Well, I read and finished it but I'm not really sure about it. It was not the style but maybe the context and meaning that is escaping me. Perhaps it's just not quite my cup of tea.

Thanks for sharing nonetheless and keep on writing!


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## PrinzeCharming (Oct 19, 2016)

Good evening from the East Coast,

I am going to offer my thoughts in red. 



MrTickle said:


> *This is a prose poem I wrote. I know it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I appreciate anyone that reads it. Thank you!*
> 
> I play jazz at night [Okay, so what? What makes you any different from other nightly jazz players?]
> 
> And I care for Samantha in the day. [Who's Samantha? What's the relationship?]


 

Okay, so tell me if I am wrong, but you're taking care of someone in the day and your escape is only at night when they don't need immediate care (perhaps, asleep). 





MrTickle said:


> She likes that window [What window? Why?]
> 
> Gazing from her wheelchair at the desert highway [Is the window gazing from her wheelchair? Awkward transition. Desert highway? Any significant value to add that information?]
> 
> ...



*The Breakdown: 
*

A caretaker plays jazz at night, in front of people, to escape the daily grind of taking care of someone handicap.
Southern lifestyle
Drinking and playing away the stress
Samantha is happy despite her limitations

You have a lot of potential to create a stronger message. What do you want the readers to know? What makes this story different than any other caretaker in the south? Distinguish your characters. Refine your fragments into stronger concrete phrases. 



Thanks for sharing!


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## MrTickle (Oct 20, 2016)

Thank you Prinze charming for your feedback. This is a prose poem and is open to interpretation, I don't need to clarify anything. And some lines are abstract because it helps the poems mood and tone I was trying to convey.


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## jenthepen (Oct 21, 2016)

I like the sadness and compassion that oozes from this poem, Mr Tickle and the ambiguity adds to the mood for me. Consider tightening it in a couple of places...

_She likes that window _(I think this whole line could go without affecting the message)


_I have to leave her at night _
_And electrify with my saxophone in a mansion in the woods_

Somehow, the explanatory line about leaving Samantha at night takes the impact off the imagery of being electrified with your saxophone. You could maybe make it more immediate by dropping the line about leaving her at night and simply demonstrate your absence by showing the reader where you are. Something like this...

At night, electrified with my saxophone
in a mansion in the woods

Anyway, just my opinion and you may not agree. I think you have something here and I absolutely get the fact that you are setting a scene and a mood. For me, you achieved this brilliantly.

jen


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## MrTickle (Oct 21, 2016)

Thank you jenthepen! Yeah I agree with what you've said about those two lines, it probably does need tightening up, so I will get to it!

thanks again.


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## Firemajic (Oct 21, 2016)

What is NOT said, in a poem is as powerful as what IS said... when things are implied in a creative and skillful way, it adds a sense of mystery and intrigue...sometimes, leaving your reader with questions is a good thing...
Strong imagery adds drama to this moody message...do I want to know more? Hell yeah!!! But, I will skip the tea... pour me a shot of whiskey....


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## escorial (Oct 21, 2016)

I do enjoy proetry...cool


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## MrTickle (Oct 22, 2016)

Thank you firemajic, I'm glad you enjoyed it


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