# Novella about getting to know people – ideas needed.



## The Backward OX

I have an idea for a novella about getting to know people, however it has a weak link, and that’s where you come in. What are some good ice-breaker ideas?

At core, the story, set in the present, is about one man’s goal, over time, of getting to know women who were previously total strangers. I planned for initial encounters to occur on commuter trains. Supermarket aisles are another possibility. But not social gatherings.

In an earlier time, this ‘getting to know you’ would have been easier. People were less suspicious. They just started talking. Today every second person might be a terrorist or a rapist or a serial killer or…

Of course, that problem could work both ways. There’re plenty of females involved in terrorism and other violent crime. My story might have other issues, unless I’m careful…

In real life I can be something of a loner, and cautious, and ideas of the kind that I need for this story don’t come naturally. That’s where, if you’re a gregarious and spontaneous type, you might be able to help.

I need good ice-breaker ideas. 

Thanks.


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## Mystery

So you are asking for ways to approach total strangers(i.e icebreakers)?


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## Rustgold

That appears to be what Ox is asking Mystery.

Ox, if you're anything close to me, I wonder whether this is outside your writability zone.  I might keep an eye on this thread however.


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## Mystery

Well a big problem is why would I go up to someone in a commuter train or a supermarket isle?

I'm not baiting btw, I'm asking because it'll help me give you realistic suggestions.


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## The Backward OX

Mystery said:


> So you are asking for ways to approach total strangers(i.e icebreakers)?



No, actually it’s a secret code.

What I’m really asking is, “Does anyone know who won the 2.30 at Santa Anita?” 

Sheeesh.


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## Chaeronia

The library or bookshops.  I often feel a compulsion to talk to someone who picks up a book I've read and foist my expert opinion on them.  Or even to people who just happen to be in the sci-fi and fantasy section, as a kind of kindred mentality through (relatively) niche choice of genre fiction.  I never do, but the feeling's there.  

Same would apply for all kinds of retail establishments, I suppose, where the protagonist is either after an opinion or willing to offer one (prompted or not - depending on the strength of their need for interaction?): wine, electronics, DVD rentals (if such places still exist), art supplies.  Whatever the passion is.


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## The Backward OX

Chaeronia said:


> The library or bookshops. I often feel a compulsion to talk to someone who picks up a book I've read and foist my expert opinion on them. Or even to people who just happen to be in the sci-fi and fantasy section, as a kind of kindred mentality through (relatively) niche choice of genre fiction. I never do, but the feeling's there.
> 
> Same would apply for all kinds of retail establishments, I suppose, where the protagonist is either after an opinion or willing to offer one (prompted or not - depending on the strength of their need for interaction?): wine, electronics, DVD rentals (if such places still exist), art supplies. Whatever the passion is.



Okay, how about passengers on a train?

"I think I might be on the wrong train. Do we stop at Newbury?" (Only to be used if Newbury is on the other side of the country...)


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## heartmama

I talk to strangers, male and female, in stores all the time.  Usually it's because I'm apologizing for something my kid(s) just did, but not always.   Which brings me to my first suggestion:

If the woman has kids with her or is buying or looking at kid items, or is reading or holding a book on kids/parenting/teaching, you have an immediate conversational topic - nearly any woman with those indicators will enjoy a conversation about kids.  Doesn't have to be about her own kids. Could be her niece/nephew, her best friend's kid, the kids she teaches, her "Little Sister", the kid who might get this Toys for Tots donation she's buying, etc. You don't have to have kids of your own or even be close to kids to talk about them. It's better if you have _some _kid in your life to talk about, even the neighbor's baby whose cries you hear every night will do, but you can always just speak about kids in general or share stories you've heard about kids. Just make sure you don't say anything offensive. ie. Don't complain about how the neighbor's baby is keeping you up at night. Sympathize with the parent who wants the baby to sleep as much, or more, than you do.

In fact, I'd say observation is the key to any icebreaker. Before approaching, observe the woman. If she's in the store, what is she buying/looking at/looking for? What is she wearing or carrying? What's in her cart? If she's on a train what is she reading/looking at? If she's got earbuds in and you're feeling particularly bold, you can even make a motion to get her attention, wait for her to pull one out, then ask what she's listening to and build a conversation from her answer. 

To give a more specific example:  If she's in the milk isle of the grocery store, standing in front of where the nonfat milk is sold out for the third night this week, you could walk up and comment on how it's the third time this week and how you've been thinking about using it as an excuse to switch back to 1% and what did she think about that idea? Is the nonfat milk for her? How does she like it? Why does she drink it? These are questions which could reveal more about her life that could lead the conversation away from milk. It could lead to talking about the dying elderly woman she's buying the milk for and what she thinks about death, or her own ideas on healthy eating and her ambition to become a dietitian, or how her mother is coming to visit for a week and will only drink nonfat milk, or that she's just become lactose intolerant, but loves milk and was thinking about trying nonfat to see if the results were the same, only now she sees the empty shelf as a sign that she shouldn't try it.  The possibilities are many. But since she's standing in front of the empty milk shelf, milk is where it starts. Work with what you see.

Icebreakers are entirely dependent on the situation and the people involved. If the woman is in a hurry or just doesn't want to talk, no icebreaker will get the ball rolling. You'll just get a short, though probably polite, response and then a signal, usually body language, that she isn't interested in pursuing the conversation farther. Back to the milk example:  If you ask what she thinks about you switching back to 1% and she says, "Sure." or "Why not?", you can follow up with, "Do you drink other milks or only nonfat?" If she answers with, "Just nonfat." You can then ask "Why is that?" At this point, she's either going to give the shortest possible answer and walk or turn away or she's going to open up and the conversation will really get started.  At least that's been my experience. Depending on their mood, the amount of time they have available at that moment, and level of shyness, people will either answer quickly and move away or turn away (ie. if they can't leave because they're in line to check out), or they will give a few short answers before leaving/turning away, or, if their in the mood to be friendly, they'll turn more fully toward you and give more complete answers that are ripe with ammunition for more questions.

Hope that helps.


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## heartmama

The Backward OX said:


> Okay, how about passengers on a train?
> 
> "I think I might be on the wrong train. Do we stop at Newbury?" (Only to be used if Newbury is on the other side of the country...)



Ummm this sounds like a lame pick up line. Is it meant to?  I suppose if the person is genuinely concerned that they are on the wrong train and exude that body language, it might come off okay.  Although I have to admit, my first impression of this person would, right or wrong, be that they were lacking something - organization, attention to detail. I mean, the ability to be on the right train doesn't seem that difficult a task to manage (assuming the system isn't overly complicated, thus making it a common problem among passengers) and if you're on the wrong one and asking a fellow passenger instead of getting up and looking for an authority figure (assuming there is one available) or looking for a map or sign on the walls of the train.... that just adds lazy to the list. And why didn't you ask someone BEFORE getting on the train - like someone who was boarding in front of you?  Wow. Is that harsh? Maybe. But I'm just being honest. I wouldn't lock the impression in stone or anything, but it would definitely be my first impression. Which puts your guy at a disadvantage. If that's what you want, great. If not....


ETA:  Disclaimer - I've ridden on a true train exactly twice (only one of which was a commuter train) and a subway once, but I've ridden mass transit trolleys several times (like above ground subways), and base my thoughts more on those experiences. Perhaps trains are more complicated?


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## The Backward OX

Oh, wow. This getting to know people is more complicated than I realised. _You mean there’s all this talking involved?_


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## heartmama

The Backward OX said:


> _You mean there’s all this talking involved?_



lol


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## Chaeronia

The Backward OX said:


> Okay, how about passengers on a train?
> 
> "I think I might be on the wrong train. Do we stop at Newbury?" (Only to be used if Newbury is on the other side of the country...)


Well, it is a little perfunctory, but it could work.  (btw, I assume this isn't a genuine question?  The person isn't really unsure; this is just an in for them?  Is this because they're attracted to the other person, or just a general desire to be more garrulous?)

Being disorganised, a bit hazy around the edges, isn't a problem for me, either.  It easily segues the gambit.

'Is this the train to Newbury?'

'Yes.  Three stops from here.'

'Thank you.  I should really have known that.  You know, before getting on a train and then waiting for it to move.  Planning ahead isn't really one of my strengths.  Not the most ideal trait for a television schedulist.  So, this sex thing we're going to do...'  

Etc.


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## The Backward OX

Okay, here’s the scoop. 1) In another thread, a poster wrote about picking up discarded newspapers on a commuter train to read as the train neared the end of the line. 2) I have seen the Jennifer Aniston movie _Derailed_, about a guy and a woman who meet on a commuter train. 3) I thought, why read newspapers when there’s all these people around? 4) Hence my idea for a story.


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## CFFTB

Grocery store
Library
Coffee shop/Diner
Book store
Commuter train or bus

All offer chances for repeated sightings, while not looking forced as in a social gathering, or intentional.


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## Potty

People don't tend to start a random conversation unless they're after something or of the older generation... which are humored by the young. I would only start talking to a random girl if I liked her... One time I liked the girl behind the counter at a video shop and I opened with:

 "Hi I'm looking for a film called 'what're you doing friday'" she typed it into the computer and shook her head 
"Can't find anything under that name."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure, is that the right title?"
"Yea, its subtitled if thats any help? It's filmed in the language of love."

Lucky for me this was done face to face so she wasn't put off by my poor spelling and use of punctuation. Needless to say this got a kindly laugh and a gentle let down. My point being most people just aren't interested in others nowerdays unlkess they are after something... in my case it's usually a date. But am I right in thinking your story is about a man who has decided to buck this trend and try to ressurect the age old skill of conversation?

If I decided I wanted to get to know someone on the train I would hold up a ten pound note and say "This goes to the first person to sit next to me and spend a little time telling me about themselves. (Always let the other person talk about themselves... it's usually their favorite subject.) 

Or if its in the coffee shop I would look for someone on their own, try to work out what they are drinking and buy them a drink and sit down at thier table uninvited, plonk the drink in front of them and just start talking... a few lines about myself then motor in with questions about the person. 

Either way, get the other person to talk about themselves. Even the most unwilling of conversationalists love to go on about it.


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## Kyle R

Potty said:


> I would only start talking to a random girl if I liked her... One time I liked the girl behind the counter at a video shop and I opened with:
> 
> "Hi I'm looking for a film called 'what're you doing friday'" she typed it into the computer and shook her head
> "Can't find anything under that name."
> "Are you sure?"
> "I'm sure, is that the right title?"
> "Yea, its subtitled if thats any help? It's filmed in the language of love."



ROFL. I give you an A for effort. That was applause worthy.


"Enemy spotted, captain. She's a looker."

"Excellent. Engage protocol SMOOTH TALKER."

"Engaging.."
_
Hi I'm looking for a film called 'what're you doing friday'

Sorry. Can't find anything under that name._

"No go, captain! SMOOTH TALK disabled!"

"Fire again!"

_Are you sure?

I'm sure, is that the right title?_

"Her shields are too strong!"

"Incredible. Very well, engage protocol CHEESY."

"Captain? Are you sure?"

"Don't question me! I said go CHEESY, damnit! Unbutton the shirt! Lean in!"

"*sigh*.. Engaging..."_

Yea, its subtitled if thats any help? It's filmed in the language of love."*wiggles eyebrows*

_"...enemy is laughing, captain."

"Ah hell. I can't figure these damn women out. Someone should make an instruction manual."


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## heartmama

Potty said:


> People don't tend to start a random conversation unless they're after something or of the older generation... which are humored by the young.



Sorry Potty, but I have to disagree with you on this. That is, unless you consider someone in their mid to late twenties and early thirties "the older generation." As I said, I talk to strangers all the time. I'm rarely met with resistance and it's usually only if the person is in a hurry.  The other times I suspect it's because they're in a bad mood, because I've done the same myself when _others _have tried to start a conversation with me (and no they don't usually have graying hair).  To give you an idea, out of 10 people I'll start talking to, an average of 1-2 will not respond in kind. I've never had a rude response and I haven't had any of those conversations (whether started by me or the other person) wind up being about a pick-up.  Well, I take that back. Twice when I was in my very early twenties and single I had two different guys start a conversation with me that wound up having ulterior motives. So I will agree that those who are in their early twenties or younger are less likely to engage in casual conversation with a stranger, however I think that has more to do with maturity and time of life than generation. 

That said, I completely agree that most people LOVE to talk about themselves. :mrgreen:


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## Olly Buckle

The Backward OX said:


> Okay, how about passengers on a train?
> 
> "I think I might be on the wrong train. Do we stop at Newbury?" (Only to be used if Newbury is on the other side of the country...)


Carry several copies of "A read for the Train" (though I suppose one would do) and when you notice someone sitting un-occuupied offer them it with the words,
"Would you like a read for the train?"
In my case people tend to notice my picture on the back cover and ask if I wrote it, such perspecacity , in your case you would have to say something further, "One of my mates wrote it" for example.

By the way , that 'hunter' bit you liked appears in the preview on Lulu.


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## Foxee

I disagree with Potty, too. I've struck up conversations (or allowed others to strike them up with me) in airports, on planes, on busses, in retail stores, at bus stops, in restaurants, at craft shows or street festivals. Seems that if people come together for something that's a common purpose (e.g. a college course, a protest, a fund raising luncheon, etc.) then they'll naturally have something to talk about even if they're strangers. The deal with striking up conversations while traveling seems to be that nobody knows anyone else and there's some comfort in anonymity together with loneliness and a shared experience (we're all traveling).

One of the experiences that I had that was probably closest to what you're referring to happened when I was flying out of Las Vegas on a redeye flight home because my grandmother had died while I was away. I had stopped for dinner at an airport restaurant because I had plenty of time before my flight. The tables were very small and close together and I ended up chatting with a guy at the next table (who was almost at my table anyway). He turned out to work for a gemology publication (there was a convention for that in town, too) and we found that irradiation was a factor in both of our fields even though they were vastly different. We were able to talk shop about this while we ate then said our goodbyes. Later he sent me some promised information via email that I had asked for. We didn't keep in touch or anything but if need be we probably would have ended up as contacts for each other.

Make of that what you will, in fiction that could have gone any which way.


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## The Backward OX

_Foxee_ in Vegas? It just seems incongruous. But what do I know?


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## The Backward OX

If you go back and read the original post, it says “the story is about one man’s GOAL to get to know women”. It implies a reason. Nothing about casual conversation for conversation’s sake.


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## spider8

The Backward OX said:


> In an earlier time, this ‘getting to know you’ would have been easier. People were less suspicious. They just started talking. Today every second person might be a *terrorist or a rapist or a serial killer*



I don't think so. I think (as far as the UK is concerned) people just aren't in a comfort zone chatting to strangers. We can talk comfortably if a situation crops up but it needs to crop up. We aren't looking to contrive a conversation. I remember watching/studying people at my gym for a while (several months); there were definately patterns of behaviour. There would often be two or three seperate young men each on the prowl for girls - picking an excercise bike/ rowing machine etc., next to a pretty girl who would behave aloofly, answer yes, no and okay, then normally get off the machine first or leave the sauna/steamroom first etc. Cringeworthy. Friends sharing the gym would chat. Men in the sauna/steamroom would chat together and young women wouldn't seem to join in but older women might. As far as strangers are concerned it was 95% women with women, men with men, couples, and 5% it's young men on the pull. 

The good news is, as a writer you_ can _be omnipotent. I remember watching a police drama years ago, where the MC had to go up to liverpool for a weekend. Of course, his contact was single, friendless and therefore available for a chummy pint on Friday night. They got into a fight protecting a girl from being pestered. The contact made a date with the grateful girl. Our MC was injured and in A & E was treated by a beautiful young female doctor (as you do) who also was single, friendless and available for a meal on Saturday night. Unbelievable for me.


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## Foxee

The Backward OX said:


> If you go back and read the original post, it says “the story is about one man’s GOAL to get to know women”. It implies a reason. Nothing about casual conversation for conversation’s sake.


I have given you real-life examples. It is up to you to provide your character's goals and motive.


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## Potty

The Backward OX said:


> What are some good ice-breaker ideas?



I once saw a man desperately trying to chat up this girl on a bus once and she was making it clear she wanted him to go away. I was thinking of leaning over and doing the whole "Is he bothering you sis?" thing... but that sort of thing only works in films and books. But maybe have it so he can step up to the plate and rescue a girl from a dire social encounter?

He could wake a woman up who is going to miss her stop because she is sleeping (He could know she is going to miss her stop via some pamphlet in her hand for a museum in that area)

He could notice a woman has a tag on her jacket as the coat has just been bought. (Used once in real life and it resulted in a decent conversation... to be fair I had to camp myself up a little to feign interest in fashion etc "You have a tag on your coat miss!" "Oh thank you for letting me know." "Wow only £45, thats a bargain" "I know! I couldn't believe it when I saw it." "It looks good quality too, mind if I feel the fabric?" "Go right ahead")

The good old "Oh i'm reading that book" line

"Pardon me miss but you dropped something." Could lead to something.


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## Rustgold

The Backward OX said:


> 3) I thought, why read newspapers when there’s all these people around?


Because if you look the wrong way you might have somebody about 4 rows down believing you're looking at them and it can get ugly.  Don't laugh, it's actually happens.  You must remember that train users are more likely to have lower IQs &/or are using stuff which is harmful to their brain.

A newspaper beats staring out the window like a zombie.


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## The Backward OX

> You must remember that train users are more likely to have lower IQs &/or are using stuff which is harmful to their brain.


:icon_compress:


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## Baron

The Backward OX said:


> If you go back and read the original post, it says “the story is about one man’s GOAL to get to know women”.



If you've managed to reach your age and you still don't know then there's no hope for you.


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