# 07/05/08 - Spontaneous Combustion Scores



## Hawke

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to *Chris Miller*, *Remedy, Mike *and *AA *for judging this round. Also, a huge thank you to *eggo* for providing an excellent prompt, and to everyone who submitted. Well done, all. 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.










The Backward Ox: 19, 19, 15, 20, 16 = 89 - Average = *17.8*
edropus: 18, 18.5, 16, 18, 18 = 88.5 - Average = *17.7*
SevenWrites: 16, 17, 14, 14, 16 = 77 - Average = 15.4
Tiamat10: 18, 17, 18, 20, 12 = 85 - Average = 17
JHB: 17, 17.5, 12, 16, 16 = 78.5 - Average = 15.7
Matthatter: 15, 17, 14, 11, 17 = 74 - Average = 14.8
alanmt: 17, 17, 17, 19, 18 = 88 - Average = 17.6
geisha: 18, 19, 14, 15, 18 = 84 - Average = 16.8
Sam Winchester: 18, 16.5, 15, 18, 19 = 86.5 - Average = 17.3
SparkyLT: 16, 17, 13, 11, 16 = 73 - Average = 14.6
Ghost.X: 14, 16.5, 17, 17, 12 = 76.5 - Average = 15.3
Kast13: 16, 16.5, 15, 12, 19 = 78.5 - Average = 15.7
seigfried007: 18, 17.5, 17, 13, 18 = 83.5 - Average = 16.7
bryndavis: 17, 19.5, 15, 11, 19 = 81.5 - Average = 16.3
2.0: 17.5, 19.5, 14, 15, 17 = 83 - Average = 16.6
Markovich: 14, 19, 13, 18, 16 = 80 - Average = 16
velo: 17.5, 18.5, 17, 11, 16 = 80 - Average = 16
Yeef: 18, 16, 10, 14, 12 = 70 - Average = 14
eggo: 19, 18.5, 18, 20, 17 = 92.5 - Average = *18.5*
Chris Miller: N/A (judge)


*First place: EGGO!*

*Second place: THE BACKWARD OX!*

*Third place:* *EDROPUS!*

Congratulations! 


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.


----------



## Hawke

*Chris Miller's Scores*


The Backward Ox: The Explosive Bull – 19

Solid voice. Nice bull research/facts. Hard to pick up the story, had to read a few times. This is not a bad thing, maybe even a good thing. So Fred’s being used to induce people to switch to satellite. Sounds like everyone’s annoyed, but Fred’s the only one who keeps snapping. This story deserves more concentration than a contest venue might afford.


edropus: Better Alternatives – 18.5

Hard to parse Poc’s broken English. When writing in ‘bad’ English, you almost have to be more careful to stay clear and consistent, so the reader can figure out the rules and grammar being applied. Cool story though. Love the ending. Nice rhythm to the narrative. Poetic even. 


SevenWritez: The Boom Boom Spell – 17.5

Good example of writing in butchered English. Troll-speak quickly became understandable, and contrasted nicely with the narrator’s fine grammar. Was not particularly enamored of the story itself, but still a nice little children’s fantasy/horror I suppose.


Tiamat10: The Very Impressive Amulet of Great Significance – 17

Funny. Silly. Like how the traveler first appears as an afterthought, but then becomes significant… or at least his omelet does. Amulet I mean.

*Between the two foes, the princess regretted her decision to run away this morning.*
Odd tense here.


JHB: Poor, Poor Bob – 17.5

I just knew God was going to get involved. Given the omniscience of the narrator, I’d have expected a few more specifics, a bit more effort at credibility. Still a pretty funny piece that was fun to read and no doubt fun to write. 

breaks=brakes


Madhatter: Overindulgence – 17

Oddly self-indulgent and credible study of a guy coming apart. Not hard to relate some days. Good example of tight limited third POV. Was kind of feeling for him up until the gross ending. Still more of a static whine than a mounting explosion. Not a particularly fun read.

*He leans forward and forces his fingers to nose.*
into his nose (?)


alanmt: Gnomeplosion – 17

Opening is so not my genre. Picks up in second paragraph.

*But since Oakleaf could squish him like a bug*,…
Good example of a knee-jerk simile. Apt but still cliché. Similes are the most under-thought of all poetic devices. Still, an imaginative, cute piece. Well written. Nice ending. But, aside from employing standard fantasy lore beings, ultimately self-contained.


geisha: The Phoenix Myth Revisited – 19

Enjoyable. Seems to have involved some research, which always breathes experience and credibility, and so life into a story for me, and yet so few seem to bother. Clean prose. Nice specifics. Like her having false teeth at 18. Like the kittens in the quilt. Interesting that even though this is the first to use the theme literally, the combustion isn’t really the apex of the story. Life and story go on after the combustion/fire. “The South’ll rise agin’” also seems relevant to the theme. His father’s rejoicing at his grandchild’s (Mary’s baby) being miscarried seemed underdeveloped. I get it’s a hard life. But it leaves him seeming heartless. Ambitious to try a serious epic in this word count.


Sam Winchester: Collateral – 16.5

Two hyperboles in the first two sentences. Yet humor doesn’t seem to be the objective.

*bored out of his mind*
then
*like a lost puppy*
Clichés are death to prose, especially flash and poetry.

*Unintentionally, she burst out in laughter.*
then
*Samantha couldn't control herself as a paroxysm of laughter overcame her.*
Why repeat this? And at such length.

*flames engulfed his body, as Lower Market Street in Omagh became engulfed*…

Judging from the last couple LMs of yours, I’d say you have a compulsion to blow shit up at the end. Like the way a child will carefully build something only to smash it in glee. A little verbose, but nice enough opening. If the guy had just got on a bus and disappeared at the end, I’d have scored this higher.


SparkyLT: BREAK – 17

No problem with the length. You managed to breathe some life and ideas into a pretty stereotypical scene.

*It wasn’t him, wasn’t for or because of him. It was me, mine, all mine: my suicide.*
I especially liked this line. Overall, very well written.

But the ending just doesn’t cut it. Almost like you want it both ways. Or couldn’t think of a good way to resolve the conflict you developed. Extreme coincidence is just bad plotting. Tips it into total melodrama too.


Ghost.x: One More Time – 16.5

fluster?
god rays?

*It was a very peaceful town that never minded the events of the world, only the gentleness that was the people.*

The town minded the gentleness that was the people? Prose is pretty careless overall. Needs to be reread for tense problems. Might’ve worked better with the apocalyptic theme. 

news cast = newscast

But you do have a poetic ear. Lovely ending. Once you nail down the technical stuff and put more effort forth, I think you’ll be a very fine writer.


Kast13: A Hero’s Death – 16.5

*…for what seemed like an eternity.*
A specific (like “seventeen days”) would go a lot further than this cliché simile.

*its important*
it’s

*the officers barracks*
officers’

*”This is trench warfare,…*
Wasn’t he just in bed? In like a room with a door? I’m confused. Maybe I don’t understand life in the trenches. How did you research this?


Seigfried007: The Death of Bunny – 17.5

Ha! I recognize this story. I think it works a lot better in its longer form. Here it’s maybe not clear that the kid’s being developed as a biological type weapon. Still well written, nice ending. It’s a little hard to judge. I tend to want to measure it against the long version which I really liked.


Bryndavis: A Testimony of Care – 19.5

Fluent and interesting. You have a real grasp of voice. The kind of story that wants to settle in. Love these unreliable, somewhat deranged narrators. Easy to relate to Linda. Okay… I think I’m feeling it. This is pretty funny. Pretty fucking hilarious. This is a guy who never forgives or gets over anything. No wonder the people around him combust. A fun story to think about.

*…mind like a sieve.*
Because it’s in the first person you can forgive some cliché I suppose.

A few minor tense problems. But again, given the voice…


2.0: Confidentiality – 19.5

Great story! Love the setting and the details. I once spoke to a deaf person in that way, and it seemed pretty credible here. I could see where doing that job would make you want to blow things up.


Markovich: Future Uncertain for McCain-Ahmadinejad Pact – 19

Wow! That was pretty funny and well-written. Geez, I hope it was funny. Because it’s kind of scary too… McCain winning the election I mean, and actually living to a second term.


Velo: Killer Weed – 18.5

Pretty funny. Obedient to the theme for sure. Bordering on Cheech and Chong, but hipper. Poor kitty. One point off because I’m a cat person. 

*…they laughed hysterically at feminine hygiene product commercials on television.*
Ha, this was funny. But all the laughing they did at stuff that wasn’t, wasn’t. E.g. *“Too many nachos,” Johnny quipped and the laughter started again.* Only really good weed can make lame dialogue funny. Really good writing can’t.


Yeef: Headline – 16

I’m ambivalent. Hard to tell if this is a true story, or just ‘sucking up.’ Because the epiphanies strike me as heavy-handed and there’s a certain funny, self-righteous naiveté about it, I’m going to guess the latter. 

*…the day before two towns over.*
needs comma

*More involved in voting for the next 'Idol' than the next president.*
This was the giveaway. The unintended irony is hilarious to me.


eggo: The LOve BuG – 18.5

Was reading a longish King short (that was originally in the New Yorker) in some Year’s Best of something or other anthology, and it occurred to me that you have pretty similar styles. His is a lot more predictable and drawn out, so I never finished it. But here, no problem. Nice, smooth little allegorical sci-fi with parallels to the world of pharmaceuticals (SSRIs and antipsychotics) today. Must’ve been a bitch trying to come up with the pills, and then the years of clinical trials. Are we still managing to procreate? Like, “That was nice. I didn’t feel anything. But it was nice. Do let’s schedule another.” Lobotomies would’ve been another way to go. Become machines until machines become us. The notion of sacrificing your life just to feel something, the heart of this story, is appealing.


Chris Miller: My New Cordless Grill – 0

You are not a very nice person. Plus you posted too late.


----------



## Hawke

*Remedy's Scores*


Congratulations to everyone who entered. It was an interesting challenge to read, and there really weren’t any repeats. Naturally, I scored with complete disregard to whether I liked/disliked/didn’t know anyone; the scores listed below are based on my opinion and pertain solely to the story presented. I enjoyed reading all of your stories, and thank you for putting the work you did into them. 

*The Explosive Bull* – The Backward Ox
Score: 15
I like the news article format and the way that the story shows how people use the bull to gain. The beginning skipped around a bit too much for my tastes. 

My nits: 




> it is believed that sudden movement frequently triggers an explosive reaction by him.


 

I thought the “by him” wasn’t necessary. It sounds a bit awkward, and it doesn’t add much. 




> In summary, there seems little doubt that whereas the entire planet is poised on the threshold of unbelievable growth in the field of information sharing, here in the valley residents are being held to ransom by a schizophrenic bull.


 


This paragraph bothered me. The first thing most writers are taught, journalists or otherwise, is to stay away from “in summary,” “in conclusion,” or anything else along those lines. Plus, the sudden departure from factual statements (“the entire planet…” “a schizophrenic bull”) didn’t fit well with the flow. 

Otherwise, good job. It’s a cute story. I can see this happening too. 

*Better Alternatives* – edropus
Score: 16
I liked the flow of this story. I don’t think I’ve ever read a story about attempting to blow someone up with cleaning products, so you get creativity points for that. There were some things that confused me (such as why Poc is staying there), but I understand that the shortened word count made it difficult to explain everything. 

My biggest nit: the chances of someone catching on fire because they drink bleach and… clench up, I suppose, are extremely low. Plus, even if Poc was senile enough to not care about drinking bleach, it should still have hurt him long before he got to that point. Drinking bleach ain’t healthy. 





> Poc's got lotsa war stories. I always assumed they were about 'nam, but things are getting confusing. I'm starting to think that he was Nazi Viet Cong.


 
I really liked this paragraph. It tells about both Poc and the viewpoint character, and on top of all that, it’s humorous. 

*The Boom Boom Spell*– SevenWritez
Score: 14
Interesting idea. The ending, even though I saw it coming, was pretty powerful; the imagery of the boy’s insides splattered on the window was a nice touch. 
I felt like a lot of explanation was missing. All we really saw were two troll brothers bickering with each other about a spell that was cast on a human. They called each other “stupid” a lot, but that got old quickly. And like I said, I saw the ending coming. 

*The Very Impressive Amulet of Great Significance* – Tiamat10
Score: 18
Cute story. The dragon and his focus on his stomach ache made me laugh. Your story was creative, original, and best, of all, the combustion was actually _spontaneous_. There was no planning in your story, no predictable ending, and I appreciate it. Good grasp on dialogue and flow as well. 

I didn’t really have any nits. 

*Poor, Poor Bob* – JHB
Score: 12
Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy gets distracted by a butterfly and accidently throws a ball into a bowl of fruit that’s next to the topless woman sunbathing, who jumps up and distracts the man who’s washing his car, who sprays someone else by accident, etc, etc? Your story reminded me of that. It’s unrealistic, and I felt no connection to anyone. It was fairly flat. 

*Overindulgence* – Matthatter
Score: 14
Interesting insight on a character. I can’t say I liked him, but I assume you didn’t intend us to relate to him all that much. Your combustion was unique as well. I was confused about what exactly was wrong with this man. Was it all supposed to be a pimple? That’s a pretty extreme reaction for a zit. 

*Gnomeplosion* – alanmt
Score: 17
Your story was amusing. It reads like a child’s fairly tale, and I like that; it’s a nice short story. I especially like the ending; it was a nice touch. Overall, your story was cohesive and the writing was appropriate for the subject. Good job. 

Only one nit: the way both the mother and the treefolk say almost the exact same thing is slightly distracting. Repetition of spoken words can pull out of the flow, but that’s my opinion. 

*The Phoenix Myth Revisited* – geisha
Score: 14
I was torn on this one. While I think your writing is tight, I felt that the story spent too much time going into the background. That made the timing of the fire confusing – was the fire shortly after the marriage or a few months ago? At first I thought it was the former, but not making eye contact for thirty years seems very unrealistic. The more I read it, the more I became confused. On the good side though, hay really can burst into fire, and I don’t think too many people know that, so kudos for that. 

*Collateral *– Sam Winchester
Score: 15
Realistically, this could happen, and that would suck. It sounds fairly polished. I felt the ending coming pretty early on though – cars seem to have a tendency to blow up when you’re writing them. Your characters seemed pretty one-note as well. 

*Break* – SparkyLT
Score: 13
You don’t need to use all of the words, but I felt you could have used some more. There was nothing suspenseful about this story; we had no connection to the character, no idea why (s)he was about to commit suicide, nothing. Good try though. 

*One More Time* – GhostX
Score: 17
I liked this piece. To me, it seemed like you had really poured some of your emotions into this, and it showed. I felt a connection to your characters, and they seemed real. 

My only nit was that it seemed unrealistic for people to want to stay in a town that was about to blow up. Given the word restriction though, you explained it pretty well. 

*A Hero’s Death* – Kast13
Score: 15
Your story was engaging and moved along quickly. Those kinds of people are found in every situation of life, so sticking them in the war didn’t seem too out of reach. I knew what war it was too, without you expressly having to tell me, and that’s always a good thing. However, you had some grammar problems, especially with commas. It also seemed unlikely for Sam to sacrifice himself after you spent so much time talking about how weak and awful he was. 

*The Death of Bunny* – seigfried007
Score: 17
Definitely interesting and unique. The tickling game was disturbing. You spent more time on the combustion than most, which was a good thing, and you looked at both the cause and effects. I would have liked to know a bit more about exactly what Buttons was and how he was made, but in the end, it was good. 

*A Testimony of Care* – bryndavis
Score: 15
Having the old man’s monologue explain everything was a nice touch. I do think you could have done without both the first and last paragraphs; the first wasn’t really related to the rest of the story, and the last broke the monologue completely, which was a bit jarring. His vocabulary seemed unsteady as well (plus, I’m still trying to figure out how eyelids curl. I’ve been trying, trust me, but I can’t seem to make mine do that). 

*Confidentiality*- 2.0
Score: 14
Overall, it was quite confusing. If you’re relaying the calls, how are you not supposed to listen? How are you supposed to do your job and read magazines at the same time? I found it hard to believe that a worker would let his entire office die rather than take the chance of saving everyone’s lives – after all, I suspect the public might rally to his side if he saved an entire office of people. Still, you get an extra point for having cohesive writing and an interesting twist. 

*Future Uncertain for McCain-Ahmadinejad Pact** –* Markovich
Score: 13
I was lost. I get that there was a war, but there was so little of it explained that I didn’t really know what was going on. I had the idea that you were maybe trying to be humorous, but it didn’t quite work, sorry. 

I must say, I did like this line though: 




> “If we put them in Antarctica, it could create a lot of refugee penguins,” said Ahmadinejad, “and I’ve seen one too many damn penguin movies as it is.”


 

I completely agree about the over-used penguin movies. 

*Killer Weed* – velo
Score: 17




> Judges, please be kind. I was most of the way through a couple 750s of Belgian ale when I penned my entry.


Somehow I guessed this. 

I’ll be honest: I was horrified at the ending. And, in part, that’s why you got a pretty high score. It’s difficult to make me feel horrified when I’m reading something, and you definitely achieved it. The other part was because it was certainly creative. But… poor kitty. 

*Headline* – Yeef
Score: 10
I couldn’t find the combustion. I also couldn’t find any care for the characters. It seemed completely unrealistic and idealistic. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get into it. 

*The LOve BuG* – eggo
Score: 18
Excellent job. I understood everything that was happening, there was a relatable character, and your writing made sense. 

*My New Cordless Grill* – Chris Miller
Score: N/A
Don’t you love computers, cars, and humans? My mother talks loudly on a cell phone too; she seems to think the person on the other end is slowly going deaf. You had all valid complaints, and all with a touch of humor; good job. The only thing that pulled me out was “shut-the-fuck-up” – what’s with the hyphens between each word?


----------



## Hawke

*Mike's Scores*


The Explosive Bull (The Backward Ox) 20/20
Better Alternatives (Edropus) 18/20
The Boom Boom Spell (Seven Writez) 14/20
The Very Impressive Amulet of Great Significance (Tiamat10) 20/20
Poor, Poor Bob (JHB) 16/20
Overindulgence (Matthatter) 11/20
Gnomeplosion (AlanMT) 19/20
The Death of Bunny (Seigfried007) 13/20
The Phoenix Myth Revisited (Geisha) 15/20
The Love BuG (Eggo) 20/20
Collateral (Sam Winchester) 18/20
Break (SparkyLT) 11/20
One More Time (Ghost.X) 17/20
A Hero’s Death (Kast13) 12/20
A Testimony of Care (Bryndavis) 11/20
Confidentiality (2.0) 15/20
Future Uncertain for McCain-Ahmadinejad Pact (Markovich) 18/20
Killer Weed (Velo) 11/20
Headline (Yeef) 14/20


----------



## Hawke

*AA's Scores*


*The Explosive Bull – The Backward Ox* 
I thought it was a little funny. Nothing particularly stands out either positive or negative. 16/20

*Better Alternatives – edropus* 
This was a lot of fun. It was easy to read and very intriguing. It ended nicely. I would read more if there was more to read. 18/20

*The Boom Boom Spell - SevenWritez*
I liked it. The only thing that really bothers me about it is the sharp contrast between the narration and the dialogue. It constantly pulls you in and pushes you back out, reminding you that someone is narrating. But, it was cute. 16/20

*The Very Impressive Amulet of Great Significance – Tiamat10*
It was a cute origin story but I thought it was not something I could continue reading for any extended period of time. It felt like a cartoon, but again, it was cute. 12/20 

*Poor, Poor Bob - JHB*
It was funny. I do feel sorry for Bob. You really went above and beyond the challenge with all of those different explosions. 16/20

*Overindulgence - Matthatter*
Ew! That was so gross. It accomplished what I think it intended though. It was good. 17/20

*Gnomeplosion - alanmt*
You were able to fit a lot of plot into those 498 words. It was done very well. It was a complete story and it had all necessary elements. 18/20

*The Phoenix Myth Revisited – geisha*
The story had a lot of enjoyable detail. My only complaint about it is that it did not have very much plot. I believe there was one paragraph of explanation, which was kind of plot, but not really. But mostly, it was description. It felt like it was leading up to something. I hope this is part of something bigger. I would like to read it. 18/20

*The Love Bug – eggo*
It was good. You kind of just jumped right in there to explain the virus, which is understandable on a word limit. It did seem a little forced though. I liked the concept. 17/20

*Collateral – Sam Winchester*
It was very good. The dialogue seemed very realistic. You had some extra room with the writing and I would have liked the final paragraph to be a bit longer to build up his immediate thoughts before he saw her, as he saw her and as he realized he was about to die. Anyways, it was good. 19/20 

*BREAK – SparkyLT* 
I liked it. I was confused about the misfire across the city though. If it was across the city, how would it have reached her? Other than that, it was decent. 16/20

*One More Time – Ghost.X*
I definitely felt the presence of the story. However, a lot of what was written seemed cliché or just too forced. 12/20

*A Hero’s Death – Kast13*
“Looking over at Sam Nigel could tell he was scared shitless, the kid was clutching his rifle like a safety blanket.” This sentence needs a comma. Other than that, it was really good. It was poignant. I liked it. 19/20

*The Death of Bunny – seigfried007*
It was very good. The story was fun and dark and weird and it was well written. Something about the ending disappointed me but I can’t place it. 18/20

*A Testimony of Care – bryndavis*
I liked this one a lot. I’m not sure what it added to have this in the context of the doctor’s office. The voice was very believable. 19/20

*Confidentiality – 2.0*
This was cool. It seemed somewhat reminiscent of the interpreter, but with a different moral dilemma. 17/20

*Future Uncertain for McCain-Ahmadinejad Pact - Markovich*
Funny stuff. Not much else to say about it. 16/20

*Killer Weed – velo*
Decent stuff. Did the cat explode? I’m trying to think of either a literal or symbolic explosion, and I can’t really come up with anything. Otherwise, it was cool. 16/20

*Headline – Yeef*
It was decent. Something about it rubbed me the wrong way though. I think it’s probably the assertion that you are much more aware of “the important things” than your peers. It seems a little obnoxious. 12/20

*My New Cordless Grill – Chris Miller*
“I’m wishing Bob had one of those USB iVaginas to stick his dick in so the suit could just shut-the-fuck-up and blow him proper.” Haha. It seemed very reminiscent of every time I have gone to get my car fixed. Good job. N/A


----------



## Sam

Congrats to Eggo, OX, and Ed. Good stuff all around, everyone.


----------



## Hawke

*Hawke's Scores*

Thank you to all the entrants for making this so enjoyable. Nice work, everyone. 


*The Explosive Bull by The Backward Ox - 19 *
Big technology conglomerate sabotaged rival via natural means. Talk about a loophole. And all it cost were maybe a few hundred bales of hay. Brilliant. Clever. Funny! A really good read, Ox-man. I could almost see Fred… or maybe it’s your avatar. Happily, this work efficiently negated all your “can’t” claims. Thank you for the read.

*Better Alternatives by edropus - 18 *
Poor Poc. But because Charlie could do it and obviously Poc couldn’t (he’s still around to tell the tale, after all) I think he sort of got what he wanted in the end. Still, poor Poc… and very bad narrator too, meaning I think the narrator fed Poc the means to do it on purpose. Thank you for the read.

*The Boom Boom Spell by SevenWritez - 16*
Nits: *In the air he hopped from foot to foot and the lump on his nose bobbled alongside his ears, long and verdant. *
Confusing sentence. Perhaps “alongside” is the wrong word choice here as it gives the impression that the lump on his nose was as long as his ears _and_ also had to be very wide to be alongside both ears. Unless it was. Also, was the lump long and verdant, or were his ears long and verdant? Sorry. Just trying to show why the sentence didn’t read well, is all. 
*hears *= ears (?)
Okay, so the ending was an “ew”. But it was very imaginative and well done. A horror twist to what could have been a child’s fable. Neat. Thank you for the read. 


*The Very Impressive Amulet of Great Significance by Tiamat10 - 18 *
Fun stuff! Do you know what I was thinking after I read the ending? That instead of everyone forgetting where they placed their right shoe, perhaps the amulet’s power could explain something today, like a common complaint (“If I only had an extra hand” and “I only have two hands, you know!”) or even an old saying (“Two heads are better than one”)—that sort of thing. Then again, explaining complaints or old sayings would have been expected, yes? Hmm. Ah well, it was fun to think about. Thank you for the read.

*Poor, Poor Bob by JHB - 17 *
Nits: it’s inhabitants = its (not it is); same or similar words used in the same or the next sentence that kept halting the read (grinned, grin; human, humans; roll, rolled; slam, slammed; explosion, exploded, explosions); underworldly = under worldly
Umm. Okay, so there was a ton of movie reference stuff in there and the story was of course improbable. I still grinned though. My bad, eh? Thank you for the read.

*Overindulgence by Matthatter - 15 *
Nits: squeel = squeal; cheetos = Cheetos; cigerette = cigarette
The work conjured up the image of “The Spaghetti Guy” in the movie SE7EN. We all fall into pits of self-pity/self-loathing, don’t we?--some, deeper and darker than others. The writing was good but a tad stinted, which distracted a little. Thank you for the read. 

*Gnomeplosion by alanmt - 17*
I saw the ending coming… not with elves though. You know what I mean. Loved the names (Sparkfiddle and such). Loved the whimsical fantasy idea. Very cute. Thank you for the read.

*The Phoenix Myth Revisited by geisha - 18 *
A good write, this. It’s one of those stories that should be told in a longer version because the shorter didn’t quite do it justice, if you know what I mean. I wanted to know more. I wanted to read more. I’m not sure where it could be taken (I suppose anywhere, really), but make the work longer. And please let me know when you do because I’d sure love to read it. Thank you.

*Collateral by Sam Winchester - 18*
Such a sad ending to what I thought were a nice and believable little family. Wonder if they’d’ve lived had they stayed in the building a few more minutes. Wonder if they’d’ve had time to get out of the district had she left when he did. That’s the way it goes sometimes though, huh? I like your first sentence. He was right. _Or_… another minute (or five) of shopping and he might not have exploded. Thank you for the read. 

*Break by SparkyLT - 16*
About the only thing I might consider changing (other than to add an explanation/extend it, maybe) is to have the last word (“James“) in italics as a thought instead of a spoken word, and I say that only because research shows all jumpers scream in the end. To any naysayers quick to tell you your MC wouldn’t be able to walk after such a wound: yes—the woman would be able to think and walk and talk and everything, for up to ten seconds after her heart has stopped. It isn’t unheard of for heart shot soldiers to shoot back. So there you go. Good job with this, Sparky. Thank you for the read. 

*One More Time - Ghost.X - 14*
Nit: space after ellipses
In challenges, writers have a tendency to chop up a story, sacrificing flow in order to fit the small word limit. I’m guessing that’s what happened here. This was a little choppy, which makes it hard to visualize. I also found it a bit confusing. Is the town’s on fire? If so, why? Has everyone gone nuts with the “newscast” news of the impending (nuclear ?) demise? Hmm. A little more polish would make the work shine. Thank you for the read. 

*A Hero’s Death by Kast13 - 16 *
Nits: Use commas before or surrounding the name or title of a person directly addressed. Eg: “How’s your foot Nigel?” should be “How’s your foot, Nigel?” 
(See: The Blue Book Of Grammar And Punctuation > Punctuation > Comma > Rule #4 > http://www.grammarbook.com/default.asp); “Well its important…” = it’s (it is)

Aww, poor Sam. And here I thought the buildup was leading to the platoon having to leave Nigel because of his wound. Good work. Thank you for the read. 

*The Death of Bunny by seigfried007 - 18*
That was a wild ride. That’ll teach ‘em for “playing” with things they don’t understand. Would have liked more, just to get better into it. Good stuff though. Thank you for the read. 

*A Testimony of Care - bryndavis - 17*
Love the all-over-the-place narration. The voice sounded right for your elderly character. Poor guy thinks he’s putting in a ton of effort by cooking her eggs, when it’s really Linda who’s put in all the effort, every day. His loss and her gain. Maybe I’m slow today, but it took me a bit to realize _Click! _was a finger snap. Thought it was maybe the TV, in reference to the show he mentioned. Duh. Not sure what “eyelids curled” means. Not sure what to recommend as an alternative, either. Over the WC by a couple. Thank you for the read.

*Confidentiality by 2.0 - 17.5 *
I’m a slow-ish reader, so it would have gone off before I finished. *grin* Nice work. Freaky. Betcha that’s one call he wished he hadn’t listened to. Unfortunately you’re over by ten, according to my WC. Thank you for the read.

*Future Uncertain for McCain-Ahmadinejad Pact by Markovich - 14*
To be honest, I didn’t get this one. I know it’s supposed to be slapstick humorous, and it was, to a degree… I think it was just a little too over the top for me to be able to fully appreciate, is all. Thank you for the read.

*Killer Weed by velo - 17.5*
Nits: space after ellipses; 10 minutes = type out numbers
You killed a cat?! I have cats. I should be mad at you… but it was well written and was only a story (RIGHT?). La grr. Thank you for the read. 

*Headline by Yeef - 18*
Nits: A traffic copter had gotten out of control the day before two towns over. = this sentence needs some work.
Quite touching, that. I liked it. Thank you for the read.

*The LOve BuG by eggo - 19*
Ooo, nice stuff! Hope the BuGs are a little more sedate now than they once were. Perhaps your MC will live. Won’t that upset a few drug companies, eh? Thank you for the read. 

*My New Cordless Grill by Chris Miller - N/A (Judge)*
Ah, computers and cell phones—you gotta love ‘em. Especially when you’re trapped in a room with ‘em. Good stuff. Thank you for the read.


----------



## velo

Thanks judges, your time is much appreciated.  Congrats to the winners!

Mike, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on your scoring.  

I was surprised no one picked this nit in mine “Yeah, it rocks, *don'* it?”  I left the "t" off deliberately to mimic their speech but forgot to mention it.  Must have been obvious.   

Funny how I lost points from cat lovers even though no cats were harmed in the production of this piece.   

Thanks again, all.


----------



## geisha

Congratulations to the winners! Thanks for letting me participate.

But, Velo. I knew I should have pulled out the honey MUCH earlier. ;-)


----------



## Mike

velo said:


> Mike, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on your scoring.


 
Why? My judging is to the same degree as it was when I've judged in the past. I didn't provide extensive grammar, spelling, syntax, organizational and thematic suggestions this time. Doesn't mean I drew numbers out of a hat.


----------



## velo

Mike said:


> Why? My judging is to the same degree as it was when I've judged in the past. I didn't provide extensive grammar, spelling, syntax, organizational and thematic suggestions this time. Doesn't mean I drew numbers out of a hat.



Simply put- a number alone doesn't give me any actual feedback on how others perceived the piece or help me improve my writing.  But never mind, the attitude of your response effectively quashed my curiosity.  Thanks for your time.


----------



## edropus

Hawke said:


> My biggest nit: the chances of someone catching on fire because they drink bleach and… clench up, I suppose, are extremely low. Plus, even if Poc was senile enough to not care about drinking bleach, it should still have hurt him long before he got to that point. Drinking bleach ain’t healthy.



Poc was trained by the military (like Charlie) to spontaneously combust if he was ever captured by the enemy.  He's a ruined wreck because he wasn't able to, and failed himself, Charlie and his country.  The narrator here feeds Poc cleaning products and then works Poc up so that he'll try again, because it's entertaining to him.  Sorry that was unclear to you; 500 words was much harder then I thought it would be, and I didn't want to just come out and say it.  =]

Congrats Eggo!  This is a decision I agree with 100%.


----------



## seigfried007

Wow... that was some wildly disparate judging...


----------



## The Backward OX

Hey *Chris*
Most insightful. You are probably correct about the “concentration level” stuff and it gives me something to think seriously about. My sincere thanks.


Hey *Remedy*
Why did you need the disclaimer?

Re “In summary” – I had pondered over this, wondering how best - given the word-count limitation - to tell the readers the story was being wound up.


Hey *Hawke*
Trust me, when it comes to fiction, I can’t.


Hey *Mike, AA*
Thanks for your efforts.


----------



## Tiamat

seigfried007 said:


> Wow... that was some wildly disparate judging...


You ain't kiddin' seig!

In any event, congrats to the winners!  This was a fun challenge, I had a blast.  Thanks be due to the judges as well!

And Mike, even if you didn't pull a number out of a hat, without some form of feedback, the score is of absolutely no help whatsoever.  Still, if you were pressed for time or something, I can understand it.


----------



## Remedy

edropus said:


> Poc was trained by the military (like Charlie) to spontaneously combust if he was ever captured by the enemy. He's a ruined wreck because he wasn't able to, and failed himself, Charlie and his country. The narrator here feeds Poc cleaning products and then works Poc up so that he'll try again, because it's entertaining to him. Sorry that was unclear to you; 500 words was much harder then I thought it would be, and I didn't want to just come out and say it. =]


 
Ah. Thank you for explaining; obviously I missed that. I got that it was entertaining to the narrator, but that's all I could really figure out about why to feed him bleach. 

Possibly stupid question... Is that possible?



The Backward OX said:


> Hey *Remedy*
> Why did you need the disclaimer?
> 
> Re “In summary” – I had pondered over this, wondering how best - given the word-count limitation - to tell the readers the story was being wound up.


 
'Cause I stick on a disclaimer everytime I respond to anyone's work. At the previous site I visited, people would get bitchy about reviews sometimes and cry subjective. It's a habit now. 

I appreciate the response on the in summary. I figured you knew about that, but one can never be entirely sure. 


Congratulations to the winners.


----------



## Sam

I got a question for Remedy. Before I go any further, please do not construe this as whining. I simply want to know something. 

You said my characters were one-note. What I'd like to know is: what do you expect me to do with my characters in five-hundred words? I can't flesh them out with so little words to work with, as well as trying to tell the story. Can you explain why you felt this way towards them? They seemed like a normal family to me: Husband wanting to get home to watch the football, wife too busy shopping to care, and the kid dragged along unwantedly. 

Also, the scoring seemed a little harsh, in my opinion. 15? Considering that Chris, Hawke, Mike, and AA gave scores of 16.5, 18,18, and 19, you'll forgive me if I'm a little upset at that score. 

Again, I'm not whining. I just feel that when someone judges a piece of work that isn't their preferred genre, they should look to see if the writing is good, and not be biased to the genre. 

Just my opinion.


----------



## seigfried007

Sam, that's whining--look at all of the other people who received far bigger differences in scores. 15's low, but it's not 4 pts lower than the other lowest review. Like I said--some widely disparate judging here 

You have a habit of one-note characters--be it bigger works or flash. Finding a way of characterizing someone as a breathing entity in 500 words is certainly difficult but not impossible--and it's also a great exercise to try. 

Not whining here, but I think your work could improve by Hulk-jumps if you work on that a bit more.


----------



## SparkyLT

Uh, I'm just going to poke in here and say congrats everyone, and that I actually did better than I thought I would.


----------



## alanmt

Thank you judges! Congrats to the winners!  

This also was a fun contest and the entries had so many different takes on the prompt.


----------



## edropus

Remedy said:


> Ah. Thank you for explaining; obviously I missed that. I got that it was entertaining to the narrator, but that's all I could really figure out about why to feed him bleach.
> 
> Possibly stupid question... Is that possible?



I'm sure it is.  But it'd probably kill you in a matter of weeks, if that.


----------



## eggo

Wow,

Thanks a lot guys. There are some excellent stories here (haven't read them all, but will soon).

Thanks very much to the judges and esp to Hawke for running this thing.

This was some great fun.


----------



## JHB

This was fun. Thanks for the challenge. :thumbr:


----------



## edropus

Again, awesome story, Eggo.  One of the earlier comments (can't remember where) said the story reminded them of Stephen King.  I don't really like King, but one thing I admire about him is the way he makes the unusual seem natural; or at least, makes it totally believable that the things in his stories could happen.  Same thing when I read your entry.


----------



## Yeef

> I couldn’t find the combustion. I also couldn’t find any care for the characters. It seemed completely unrealistic and idealistic. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get into it.


That's definitely understandable.


This is my first time participating in one of these although I had planned to start when I first joined (apparently it's been nearly a year). The scores were pretty much what I expected all things considered. 

I ran into two problems when I typed this out. The first was the realization that 500 words is a lot less than it seems. When I typed it out at first it came out to about 900 words which was surprising.

My second problem, and I think the biggest, was that I felt that the story had to lead to something. In hindsight I think just letting a single scene stand on its own would've been better than trying to shoehorn in some kind of conclusion.

My initial idea was to have a teacher that's naturally timid and more reserved absolutely flip out on his students. After having spent time away from it and re-reading it I realize that that doesn't come across at all in the final product. The ending also feels very much tacked on, mainly because it was.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond to my post and I always welcome constructive criticism.


----------



## SparkyLT

hey eggo, I only just read yours, and it's awesome! nice job. no suprise you did so well.


----------



## Mike

I think Eggo's story reminded me of the movie, "Equilibrium," if you've ever seen it.


----------



## SparkyLT

I might have, the name sound familiar, is it based on a book?


----------



## Remedy

Sam Winchester said:


> Can you explain why you felt this way towards them? They seemed like a normal family to me: Husband wanting to get home to watch the football, wife too busy shopping to care, and the kid dragged along unwantedly.


 
You've answered your own question there. I didn't see anything unique from any of them; they were just a stereotypical family. From one paragraph in, I could predict everything they would do, and while I would have loved to be wrong, I wasn't. 500 words isn't a lot by any means, but it's still enough. 

I got a similar comment on the first LM I entered - the MC was way too stereotypical and one-note. And I fumed about it for a little bit, because I actually liked that story, then stepped away and realized that, yeah, he was. 



Sam Winchester said:


> Also, the scoring seemed a little harsh, in my opinion. 15? Considering that Chris, Hawke, Mike, and AA gave scores of 16.5, 18,18, and 19, you'll forgive me if I'm a little upset at that score.


 
It was justified in my opinion, and ultimately it's all about opinions; unfortunately, that's how writing almost always is. I didn't seem anything out of the ordinary about it. 

As others have pointed out, there was a wide range in scoring, and it seemed like a lot of times I was pretty far apart from what the rest thought. Really, JHB and Yeef had much farther apart scores, with me ranking them lowest. I gave poor Yeef a 10, while someone else ranked it 18. 

Ultimately, I stick by the scores I gave, although I sometimes feel a little sheepish with a few of the more drastic ones. 



Sam Winchester said:


> Again, I'm not whining. I just feel that when someone judges a piece of work that isn't their preferred genre, they should look to see if the writing is good, and not be biased to the genre.
> 
> Just my opinion.


 
I understand. Actually, I prefer closer to your genre than some of the others. That didn't figure into the score though; I did judge based on the writing. When I commented on liking some of the other genres, I didn't mean it across the board (trust me, I don't read fairytale like stories), but rather because they made it work really well.  



Yeef said:


> I ran into two problems when I typed this out. The first was the realization that 500 words is a lot less than it seems. When I typed it out at first it came out to about 900 words which was surprising.


 
I hear that. I'm not good with 500 words, really, and I'm constantly cutting out more and more. 

Thanks for the explanation, Yeef. I appreciate it.


----------



## The Backward OX

Sam Winchester said:


> please do not construe this as whining.
> 
> the scoring seemed a little harsh, in my opinion. 15? Considering that Chris, Hawke, Mike, and AA gave scores of 16.5, 18,18, and 19, you'll forgive me if I'm a little upset at that score.
> 
> Again, I'm not whining.


 
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Sam, I received a 15 too, and I'm not complaining.

Sheesh, if the results of a piddling thing like this are enough to get you going, you need to re-examine your priorities.


----------



## eggo

Thanks guys,

I wanted to keep the combustion thing internal and relate it emotion outbursts and this kind of developed.

Hey edropus,

I have read some books by King and I'll have to admit I like his style. Chris is right though when he says that he has a tendency to drag things out. Commercial writing.

Suspending belief is the one thing all writers aim for and having a nice feel for how much you can make the reader buy is something that will never fail you to have.



Mike,

No kidding. I read the IMDB on that movie and it was close, IE.  Orwellian society, emotion is banned. 

It read like on the flavor of Logan's Run. Another movie that's similar to that is THX1138 (George Lucas).



Pete


----------



## The Backward OX

> Suspending belief is the one thing all writers aim for


----------



## Markovich

Congrats to the winners, this was pretty fun. I just noticed that my fake news story scored higher with the male judges.

Eggo's story is definately worthy. Although I thought we couldn't take part if we suggested the challenge?


----------



## Tiamat

Sure you can--why not?  It's not like coming up with the theme gives you an unfair advantage over everyone who didn't come up with the theme.


----------



## The Backward OX

Yeef said:


> I ran into two problems when I typed this out. The first was the realization that 500 words is a lot less than it seems. When I typed it out at first it came out to about 900 words which was surprising.


 
You had it easy. I had to pare mine down from about 1400.


----------



## alanmt

hahaha. A common problem, it seems.

My first draft was 750. Cutting the last 30 words was definitely the most difficult.


----------



## Tiamat

I hate when you're at that point where you've cut it down from the original 800 or so words and you're at, like, 512.  You start thinking things like, "Does that sentence REALLY need a verb?"


----------



## seigfried007

Tiamat10 said:


> I hate when you're at that point where you've cut it down from the original 800 or so words and you're at, like, 512.  You start thinking things like, "Does that sentence REALLY need a verb?"



I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything, Tiamat! 

Wanna hear something crazy? My first draft of that story was more than 4K


----------



## Kast13

Thanks judges for your reads.  I definitely need to work on my grammar, that has always been an issue for me.



Hawke said:


> Kast13: A Hero’s Death – 16.5
> *”This is trench warfare,…*
> Wasn’t he just in bed? In like a room with a door? I’m confused. Maybe I don’t understand life in the trenches. How did you research this?



Chris, you wrote that in my critique.  In trenches soldiers dig shelters known as 'dugouts'.  Dugouts have many shapes and sizes, some with only enough room for two ('funk hole'), when others could be up to a couple stories deep (they were known as 'deeps' for obvious reasons).  The one in my story would have been a mid-sized one, generally known as a 'shelter'.


----------



## Tiamat

seigfried007 said:


> Wanna hear something crazy? My first draft of that story was more than 4K


I remember your first draft, seig.  I'll be honest with you, I thought it was better as fleshed out as it was before.  And not just because I'm daunted by the idea of reducing a 4K piece to 500 words.  

(Though I do have to say kudos to your for managing to do that and still delivering an excellent piece.)


----------



## seigfried007

A Difference of Six Degrees wasn't actually the first draft of this piece, Tiamat. The original was Nightshade's Window and the whole thing was from Button's POV. My writing instructor disliked it and told me to write it from Marie's viewpoint, so that's how Six Degrees came to be. 

Btw, I have a confession to make--I just looked up the word count on Nightshade's Window and the final total was 3,947.

That tidbit I posted as The Death of Bunny was originally more than 900 words.


----------



## SevenWritez

When does a new competition start?


----------



## Tiamat

Not tomorrow.


----------



## SevenWritez

Fuck it, then. Hawke, Mike C, whoever, can you ban my account? I was going to wait until I could at least be judge, but the impatience is maddening. 

So, yeah. Ban? Please? Thanks in advance. (IP Ban preferable, if possible).


----------



## eggo

No,

as punishment you'll remain a member.


----------



## Sam

SevenWritez said:


> Fuck it, then. Hawke, Mike C, whoever, can you ban my account? I was going to wait until I could at least be judge, but the impatience is maddening.
> 
> So, yeah. Ban? Please? Thanks in advance. (IP Ban preferable, if possible).



You know, if I was a Mod, I'd just perma-ban you in badness.


----------



## SevenWritez

:scratch:


----------



## Damien.

Oh-oh this is bad news bears. *flees*


----------



## Markovich

That guy just started wigging out. :shock:


----------



## Foxee

SevenWritez said:


> Fuck it, then. Hawke, Mike C, whoever, can you ban my account? I was going to wait until I could at least be judge, but the impatience is maddening.
> 
> So, yeah. Ban? Please? Thanks in advance. (IP Ban preferable, if possible).


C'mon, Seven, you've been around long enough to read Valeca's "We will not remove your account" notices. 

If you seriously don't want to be here then seriously don't click on WF.com. However, we're pretty much as addicting as Pringles. Bet you can't stop.


----------



## SevenWritez

I can't. That's the problem, egged on by myriad others. And I don't know who Valeca is.


----------



## alanmt

welcome to the Hotel California


----------



## Foxee

SevenWritez said:


> I can't. That's the problem, egged on by myriad others. And I don't know who Valeca is.


*GASP*

She is the site manager. May she have mercy on your soul.

I see you are online right now. *evil laugh*


----------

