# 14/6/12 - Oh! What a lovely Apocalypse - Scores!



## Potty (Jun 14, 2012)

Sorry for the delay here folks! Hopefully getting the scores out wont take as long in future. Here are the scores for the last competition entitled "Oh! What a Lovely Apocalypse!". Another nice turn out this month so thanks for all your entries, and many thanks to our judges for their hard work!

(As always, please let me know if I've got these wrong!)

*Potty:* 17 + 14 + 19 + 15 = *16.25*
*LaughingJim: *16 + 12 + 18 + 16 = *15.5*
*Kenneth J. Ester: *15 + 15 + 18 + 12 = *15*
*lcg: *14 + 12 + 13 + 10 = *12.25
Sunny: *18 + 15 + 16 + 17 = *16.5
Anna Buttons:* 19 + 17 + 17 + 16 = *17.25*
*spartan928:* 17 + 14 + 15 + 18 = *16*
*Skodt:* 14 + 13 + 14 + 11 = *13*
*AvA:* 16 + 14 + 15 + 13 = *14.5*
*KyleColarado:* 18 + 18 + 18 + 18.5 = *18.13
bazz cargo:* *Unscored*
*guy_faukes: *14 + 13 + 14 +13 = *13.5*

So please hammer your space bar repeatedly for the following winners!

*KyleColarado takes first place with:* Eat On, Hungry Giant
*Anna Buttons in second with:* Oh! What a Lovely Apocalypse
*Third place is Sunny with:* One Bright Night



*Judges Comments!*

*Gamer_2k4's Scores:*

Title: Potty
Author: Earth: The End is Nigh!
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 14

Notes: 
This was a fun little snapshot of how alien races might view lesser developed civilizations. You managed to capture the feel (and inherent absurdity) of the newscast pretty well, and while it didn't wow me, the piece definitely had some merit. I also got a chuckle from the constrast between the reporter's seriousness and the interviewee's actions (like the squid "interview").

You had some minor grammatical issues (such as finishing a quote with a period, then having the two word sentence, "He says." afterwards), and your use of "hotting up" instead of "heating up" threw me. However, it was very readable otherwise. Good entry.

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Title: LaughinJim
Author: The Third Seal
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 12

Notes: 
Unfortunately, this story lacked the focus it deserved. I'm familiar with the seven seals mentioned in Revelation, and the idea of some average guy having that kind of power hiding away in his basement is actually pretty darn cool. However, you don't really use the concept well. A good short story will have a kicker like that at the end, but it works by making the reader go, "Ohhhhh. So that's what the story was building to!" In your case, though, you bury a reference to a black horse (the third horseman, I know) in a muddle of otherwise seemingly useless dialogue. You only have 650 words to work with; make the most of them!

The story was technically fine, but that didn't quite make up for the less than perfect execution. It's a shame, too, because I think the story had a lot of potential. Focus more on the point you're trying to make next time and you'll produce some pretty decent work.

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Title: Oh, What a Lovely Apocalypse
Author: Kenneth J. Ester
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 15

Notes: 
Something about the way you write gripped me from the start. This is a very evocative piece, and while I normally have difficulty with visualization, I could see very clearly the missile flying through the air and the brilliant colors of the nuclear blast. The utter lack of concern from the cockroaches was somehow reassuring, and it really brought out the most in Gretta's exclamation. I also got a chuckle from the mention of Twinkies.

There were a few grammatical errors that I noticed (mostly missing commas and using "us" instead of "we"), but they certainly didn't detract from the piece. If anything, my only complaint was with the ending. It came just a touch too abruptly, though I like the concept. Still, you did an excellent job overall.

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Title: Apocalypse
Author: lcg
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Total: 12

Notes:
It's a shame that your writing isn't at the same level of your storytelling (is English your second language, perhaps?), because I would've liked to score this a lot higher. It's a decent story, and you managed to set up a world with characters, motivations, and a striking ending in just 642 words.

There's not much to say about the spelling and grammar except that if it had been better, this would've been a standout entry. As it is, you'll have to settle for being simply entertaining, rather than technically perfect. Happily, that's significantly better than the reverse.

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Title: One Bright Night
Author: Sunny
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 15

Notes:
Sure, give me a romance. Make it tricky for me. Why not?

Because this isn't my favored genre, I really don't have too much to say about this one. It read very smoothly, highlighting two striking moments in the lovers' lives. You offered just the right amount of detail with each instance, and nothing felt rushed or superfluous. If I had any complaints, it's that some of Ariana's antics on the swing seemed odd, like reaching out while at the peak of the arc (which seems like a good way to fall off). But what do I know? I've never tried to catch the moon while swinging. 

No complaints about your voice or grammar. The piece is written very competently, and it was a pretty good read. Nice job.

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Title: Oh! What a Lovely Apocalypse
Author: Anna Buttons
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Total: 17

Notes: 
I like this one a lot. There's a lot to appreciate in this submission, like the great way you set the scene in the intro, or the very fitting and realistic thoughts of the narrator throughout. The conclusion was also beautiful in its own way: that sort of, "he sure isn't perfect but darn it if I don't love him anyway" feeling that you'd expect from a contentedly married woman.

I took some grammatical points off for a few minor errors, like missing commas, but there were absolutely no issues with the voice. Your tone and writing style fit the piece exquisitely, and even if I'm not a huge fan of the style, I can't deny its effectiveness. Excellent submission.

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Title: Begin At The End
Author: spartan928
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 14

Notes:
Interesting take on the topic. I like it. You really managed to bring the scene alive without drowning the reader in excessive detail, and the equal time given to narration and dialogue provided nice balance to the story.

You missed a comma here and there, but the story was otherwise technically sound. Good job.

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Title: Production Pictures Presents
Author: Skodt
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Total: 13

Notes: 
This is another story that I really wished I could've given a higher score to, but consistent errors held it back. The worst part is, they're typographical errors (mainly missing spaces, but there were run-on sentences as well), rather than legitimate grammatical mistakes. But, I can't judge the story you could've submitted; I can't only judge the story you DID submit.

That said, I really did like the story. Hanley's perpetual simplicity and ignorance is amusing, and the story ends on a very nice, "God's in his heaven; all's right with the world" note. Wonderful submission; just be sure to check over your entry before submitting it next time.

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Title: A Post-Apocalyptic Story
Author: AvA
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 14

Notes:
Great backing concept here. The idea that an apocalypse forces cooperation is an excellent one, and it just shows how unbelievable it is that when we live comfortable lives, all we can do is fight each other. Also, I like the way you used an existing theme (zombie apocalypse) as the backdrop, and trusted that no further explanation would be necessary. You were right.

I did notice a few mistakes, like using "lead" instead of "led," but the piece as a whole was pretty well-written. You also did a great job of portraying the setting; it sort of reminded me of Fallout 3. Great entry overall.

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Title: Eat On, Hungry Giant
Author: KyleColorado
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Total: 18

Notes: 
Excellent characterization here. You've also managed to wrap up an origin story, a history, and a crisis all in 650 words, which is no easy task. I love the way the Tanzanian boy calls him, "Super Mister Man," and how calmly they're discussing they disaster at the end. Every part of the story is great.

What can I say about grammar? I didn't see any mistakes (I think whether punctuation is inside or outside of quotation marks is a regional thing), and your spelling seemed fine. The voice, however, hit the mark perfectly. Excellent job.

Hey, I finally have something to offer you besides criticism! It had to come sometime.  

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Title: P.C.
Author: bazz cargo
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 15

Notes:
I'm not quite sure where your entry starts, so I'll just review the piece as a whole. Three hundred words is short enough, anyway.

I think the best aspect of this piece is the matter-of-fact yet tongue-in-cheek style you chose. It seemed both natural and absurd at the same time, and the result was a very enjoyable read. When even Satan is trying out political correctness (I assume that's who "S." is, anyway), you know things have gotten a little out of hand.

I had to ding you for using "make sure" instead of "making sure" near the end, but that was the only mistake I noticed. Your tone fit the piece perfectly, and offered a good bit of humor to boot. Definitely a fun entry, even if it's not QUITE fiction.

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Title: The Rebirth of Saraqael
Author: guy_faukes
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13

Notes:
Now, I like the concept of this story. The idea of free will being imparted on humans by the Devil is a compelling one, but I'm not sure it's best suited for a competition as limiting as this one. Your focus wasn't exact and your ending was a little abrupt, which unfortunately detracted from all of the good things in the story. Themes of conflict and rebellion and redemption and are all very intriguing to me, but you only presented enough to leave me wanting more. The story did not satisfy me.

You had a few minor grammatical errors, and the focus (who was talking or acting) was a little unclear at times. Additionally, the narration only managed to convey the necessary information; it's didn't lend the story any life. Keep practicing, though. You have some great ideas and I'd love to see them more fully realized. 


*Jonm's Scores:*

EARTH: THE END IS NIGH! by Potty—19/20

My favorite story of the competition. What a great couple of opening lines. Original, pulled me right into the story. Lots of very interesting and fun characters. The interview with the dirty old woman was funny. Overall, I just had a great time reading this.

A couple minor errors, fortunately in the same sentence:

“They feel a little limp.” Says Vorn, flicking the tentacles that hung from his top lip.” Should be a comma after limp and ‘says’ in lowercase. Also, a tense slip: ‘hung’ should be ‘hang’.

Great story, though.

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THE THIRD SEAL by LaughinJim—18/20

I think this is one of the best written stories of the competition. Everything worked together nicely -- the details about Sean’s work as a craftsman, the thoroughbred horse, even the couple of lines about the previous owner’s darkroom all provided an excellent sense of realism and history and I enjoyed that very much. The dialogue sounds natural, occasionally humorous (M-B’s comments about Mike being a bum / dirty version of Sean).

Story is interesting. I was carried right along, immersed in the details, but the end is still somewhat of a puzzle to me. Very oblique, like the last story of yours I read. Not seeing the connection to the story prompt. I suspect the ending is Biblical, referring, perhaps, to something in the Book of Revelations, and I sense that the meaning of the entire story relies on those last few sentences, which is not exactly my taste. But that last part is not something that factors into the score.

Regardless, have to give top marks just for quality.

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OH, WHAT A LOVELY APOCALYPSE by Kenneth J. Ester—18/20

I think this is pretty great. The writing is very clean and easy to understand, occasionally humorous (the Twinkie; Gretta unconcerned about returning with a few less ‘kids’), and the dialogue is great: introduces backstory while still sounding natural, conversational. This automatically puts you at the top of the list, as far as I’m concerned.

Not such a big fan of the ending. I mean it’s nice, made me smile, but it’s still kind of a GOTCHA! type ending, and that always feels cheap to me. But you have a good story with or without that ending.

“Horace stood watching it for a moment then turned his head to the distant city with its towering structures.” This line bothered me because ‘distant city’ is terribly vague. Now you could argue that the story is from Horace’s point of view, and so he might not know the name of the city, but Horace seems like a smart character, and he obviously knows what missiles are, so I find it hard to believe he would not also know his location. I look at this sentence as an opportunity to ground the story, make it feel like it is part of the world. So consider a revision, such as this (locale used just as an example):

Horace stood watching it for a moment then turned his head to where downtown Phoenix, with its gleaming glass and steel buildings, rose from the horizon.

Really, is that so much trouble? Now we know where we’re at, generally. And all kinds of associations spring up just from the word Phoenix (AZ): desert, dry, heat, west coast, Mexico, dust, etc.

Also, not sure if it was intentional, but I got a kick out of Horace’s name. It spells roach (actually roache, but we’re not talking about spliffs here) when rearranged. Got a kick out of that.

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APOCALYPSE by Icg—13/20

My issue with this story is that the end seems almost like a Deus Ex Machina. Prof has outlined his plan to destroy the world and Stark does not like this, and in the last paragraph, pretty much out of the blue, comes the most vital piece of information: Stark broke the code to the master computer when he was 15, therefore Stark can save the day. Even if you began the story with this in mind and planned for the story to be resolved this way, including the detail at the end of the story makes it seem convenient. I’m assuming this is not what you want.

“Stark was bewildered. He could sense the excitement in Prof. Stark.” I have to assume this is an error. Nowhere else is it mentioned that Stark is also the Prof. character, that they both share the same name.

Some vague details in this story, like this: “the discovery of the deadliest poison.” What is the name of this deadliest poison? What does it do—why is it considered the deadliest poison?

“His work was not too difficult and he got interesting opportunities as well.” What kind of work, what kind of opportunities, why were they interesting?

Some grammar errors that I think you are good enough to find; words that shouldn’t have been capitalized (“Power”); errors of diction, e.g., “Unaware of inconsistency of his behavior,”; “Stark shook his head in negation.” The examples in red indicate where the diction has become slightly more formal, not in line with the rest of the story’s tone / style.

Also, Prof. basically seems like a cliché villain. A one-sided mad scientist whose goal is power and total destruction. You see it all the time in movies and TV. Go deeper for your ideas.

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ONE BRIGHT NIGHT by Sunny—16/20

I have a hard time understanding how this story relates to the prompt, aside from the last sentence. But even that feels tacked on. I’m also not sure if this is an end-of-the-world story or not. “The sun’s breath left streaks of orange-flames as it burned through the curls draped over her shoulders.” This sentence, and ‘burned through’ in particular, suggest that this is not just figurative, that she’s indeed burning up, but some of your earlier descriptions are also poetic, and so it is hard to say for sure.

Generally the story is pretty well written. Sometimes it gets a little purple, e.g., “hair dancing on the wind” most notably. The absence of conflict makes the story feel slightly maudlin. There is a faint indication of conflict early on with this line: “He could feel the heat of her flesh against his own, and he wanted to wrap his arms around her waist instead.” But it was not built upon and I kind of wish you had done at least something with it.

“She clasped her fingers around the light of the moon and tried to pull it back to earth.” Wondering if you mean she clasped her fingers around the moon, or the moon and it’s halo, or just the halo, which is what the sentence currently says. Written better, perhaps, as “...around the glowing moon”.

“You’ve watched ‘It’s a wonderful life’—needs to be ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’.
“through the glow of the moon that she desperately wanted for own.”—missing word? “wanted for her own.”

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OH! WHAT A LOVELY APOCALYPSE by Anna Buttons—17/20

Great dialgogue and detail in this one. The squishy brown couches; the bit about Jeff’s belly thrust forward, and the buttons—excellent details. Had an issue with Jarvis, Jeff, and Jane all beginning with the same letter—this makes differentiating them a little harder. When I got to thinking about the actual timeline of the story, how fast these events are happening, I feel like the story begins to fall apart: Marcia leaves, Jarvis apparently leaves soon after, and narrator leaves twentyish seconds later. Seems like in the space of a minute half the group is gone. Obvious? I wonder if Marcia even needs to be physically present in the scene. At the beginning of the story she could be upstairs (or wherever this make-out scene takes place) washing her face or raiding a cabinet for stuff to mix a drink, or doing something and just mentioned off-handedly by the narrator.

Jarvis’s behavior at the end surprised me, which makes sense since this is First Person and the narrator is also supposed to be shocked. But I’m also surprised because Jarvis, based on his dialogue, seems like a boy scout. I get no other impression of him other than this, and I really think there should be some hint that he is capable of his later actions. Has to be subtle, obviously, otherwise the end is telegraphed—but I do think his character must be illustrated better.

Also, as a character, Kirsty is basically nonexistent, which I find odd since the power of the story seems to rely (in part) on her relationship with Jarvis, and Jarvis’s abrupt excursions. How am I supposed to feel bad for Kirsty the same way the narrator does if I don’t know anything about her? In fact, I think Jeff and Jane have better characterization than either of them, which, again, confuses me. 

Too many characters perhaps?

What saves this story are the fresh details (when they occur), good dialogue, good use of First Person, good verb choice (hand crushing her left breast), and occasional good characterization (even if it is misplaced). Of all the characters here, Jane is my favorite, based purely on her descriptions (narrator’s suspicion of her reading a book on dinner parties), and dialogue (I would choose Nelson Mandela).

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BEGIN AT THE END by Spartan—15/20

I think you did an okay job writing this story from an omniscient point of view. At first it seems like this is all from Jesse’s point of view, mainly because of how the sentences are constructed, but toward the end the focus shifts to Caleb and the change is too abrupt.

“The fans began ripping chairs from their footings and threw the carcasses in a pile.” Carcasses? Why are there carcasses, and what kind of carcasses? I thought this was a rather unusual detail that needed some clarification. Just because the crowd is out of control doesn’t necessarily mean people die.

Overall I thought the story was a little hazy on the details. The crowd is only ever referred to as “the fans”—never any specific images, no faces—and like I said earlier, “carcasses” could be any kind of life, so that needs to be clarified. Not necessarily for my sake—I understand that you probably mean dead people, but the more specific your images are the more powerful and resonant your prose will be.

“Someone grabbed Jesse …” This kind of faux-mystery, where “someone” is not identified until later, such as during dialogue, is unnecessary. Especially here, where the POV is omniscient and not limited to Jesse.

“Fans were ... overturning everything not fastened to the ground.” Another instance where the writing could be more specific.

Also, it seems like Caleb is supposed to be a kind of two-faced character—saying one thing, thinking another. But, again, it’s done too abruptly. Most of his dialogue is gripes about expenses. Then, suddenly, “if every show ended like tonight it was good for business”, and I am left wondering how to reconcile this apparent contradiction. A piece is missing. There needed to be a line explaining Caleb’s motives more clearly, e.g., “All of this talk of expenses was just that -- talk. The less Jesse knew the better. For Caleb, it was simple: if every show ended like tonight it was great for business.”

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PRODUCTION PICTURES PRESENTS by Skodt—14/20

I had trouble believing Hanley could be so stupid, that he still didn’t realize what was going on, even after seeing the film crew. If Hanley is an idiot or has a learning disability, that needs to be set up at the beginning of the story so that the end is more credible, believable.

The other problem is that the title basically spoils the end. So the story falls flat because I already know what’s going to happen. I suspect most readers already knew what was going to happen. It’s only the story which seems to be unaware of how obvious the ending is. For this story to be more effective, I think it has to play with our (i.e., the reader’s) expectations a little more. For example, the story could have led us to believe all of this was indeed happening on a movie set, and then revealing at the end that it is all real, that the rapture is actually happening, that this isn’t a movie. This is what it means to play with a reader’s expectations. To accomplish this, you need to be aware of how your story is influencing the reader’s thoughts and emotions at all times.

Some grammatical errors (“shutter” when it should have been ‘shudder’), comma splices (“Hanley was amazed that no one else was in the streets, had all of Hollywood really been so devout?”—This should be two sentences), passive language, wordy language (“ Waves from the seacame crashing up over the pier”—Better as, “Waves crashed up over the pier”), lack of specific details / images (“The day was beautiful”—how was it beautiful? What does beautiful look like?)

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A POST-APOCALYPTIC STORY by AvA—15/20

Works decently as a slice-of-life story, and it’s about what you’d expect from a post-apocalyptic story. There is not much new or different or interesting about this particular scene, though. Of all the possible things that could happen, images that could have been presented, basically what happens is they discover a phone that doesn’t work and stop at an abandoned gas station. Fairly typical imagery. So just digging for more interesting / weird / surreal images would have elevated this story. Right now, there’s a commercial running on TV for J.J. Abram’s show Revolution, and it shows a run-down Wrigley Field. That’s pretty cool. You don’t expect to see Wrigley Field being consumed by kudzu. That’s the kind of thing this story needs: a better sense of place, sharper images, and a more interesting, resonant, scenario.

Also, I didn’t think the discovery of the cell phone was all that important. Seems to have no relevance to the overall story, except to serve as a detail. Can’t afford to do that here. At almost 175 words, I expected the phone to have a larger role in the story, and it doesn’t. So, in total, if you cut the cell phone bit out, you had about 275 words at your disposal to explore other ideas, and I kind of wish you would have used them. The story would have benefitted.

Some grammatical errors, like this: “It has (had) been awhile since he held one of this (these).”

“ Moss and wild plants ...” What kind of wild plants? This is an example of where specificity could have enhanced the story.

“Their journey out of the city was done in silent (silence).” What city? Yet another example.

Basically you just needed to dig deeper with this one. Go beyond the cliché images / ideas and find something new.

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EAT ON, HUNGRY GIANT by KyleColorado—18.5/20

Very well done story. Good, consistent voice—the first person narration is handled well—and the details made this story come alive for me: rummaging through the garbage, half-eaten hotdog, Aqua Pure truck with blown out tires, license plate New York. All good stuff.

Great opener. “Me, I call it The Great Space Mouth, in honor of the rest of us.” I love this line because the meaning only becomes clear after a first read. So that initial mystery is what pulled me into the story.

“The drivers honked and swerved, their tires screeching, their headlights sweeping through the rain.” Could have been phrased better. Currently, it reads as though the drivers have tires and headlights. I think you meant vehicles here.

Good stuff, though. Fun read. 

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P.C. by bazz cargo—judge’s entry, no score.

Enjoyed this story very much. “Horse-persons”—hilarious. Yes, of course, have fun out there: with your personal protective equipment, safety vests, hard hats, ad nauseum.

Noticed some spots where the writing could be cleaned up:

“New ruling: To keep within the guidelines the the four horsemen will now become the four horse-persons.” Try: To keep within guidelines, the four horsemen shall become the four horse-persons.

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THE REBIRTH OF SARAQAEL by Guy Faukes—14/20

Competently written story. The dialogue at the beginning of the story is rather one-sided—it is only the demon who speaks and this has the unfortunate effect of making the story seem “preachy”. It’s kind of like you introduced the monk character and then totally forgot about him. The demon asks the monk if he believes in God, but the monk never has a chance to answer. So an easy way to improve the story would be to let the other guy speak once in a while.

Overall I found the story somewhat dull because it is essentially an introduction of setting and characters, a fight scene, and a statement of theme (“The Creator did not imbue man ...” etc.). There is no indication of what happened before this moment in the story, no explanation of how or why the monk came to be there with the demon, no sense of back story whatsoever. So it’s kind of like going to an action movie and sitting through a ten minute fight scene: entertaining? Sure. Fulfilling, thought-provoking? Not so much.

Also, the story is exceedingly visual. Rarely are the thoughts or the internal world of these characters ever revealed. Unless you have a good reason for not doing this, such as writing from a camera-eye POV where the intent is to create a cold, impersonal tone, I think it is generally a good idea to let the reader inside once in a while. It provides another way of connecting with the story.

So, things to work on then: include backstory or a sense of history so that the story feels like it actually comes from the world, because everything has a history; and if a character is introduced, some effort should be made to make them seem real, again, like a person with a history. Otherwise, the character just feels like a prop. 



*bazz cargo's Scores:*


1/
Earth: The End Is Nigh!
By
Potty.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 17/20

A cracking piece of writing. Sharp, funny and deeply cynical. Bang on the theme. The tense helps keep the sense of immediacy. Maybe a little safe and predictable but solid craftsmanship. Vorn seems to have all the attributes a good TV executive needs to get along. The nod to the latest rioting was clever. I like the vox-pop with the Trolley Lady.

From the opening line to the tail-end this exudes the kind of sci fi that was dominated by Duggie Adams and Harry Harrison. Yours could easily be found on the shelf nearby. 

Such a pleasure to read.
Thank you.

---

2/
The Third Seal
by
LaughinJim.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 16/20

I felt like I was on a fairground ride. Slow to start but whipped round until a stop that leaves one full of adrenalin. My goodness you shoe-horned a lot into a little space. You set the scene well. I can picture the family and the setting. Old, proud Irish; with the stubbornness that keeps them from integrating. The sort who carry a fight for generations. Sean seems quite intriguing with the glimpse of his hidden side.

Nits:
Not really a nit. Sean says he wants to make a phone call but goes down to the cellar instead. Perhaps the brevity of words caused a slight edit glitch.

There are a few clunky lines. Nothing detrimental to the story.

The strength of the mystical hook cannot be ignored. There is so much back-story here it reads more like an extract rather than something that stands alone. The prompt seemed added first time round but after a second read I felt it belonged there. I could see this next to Philip Pullman.
A very nice piece. I would read the novel this came from.
Thank you.

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3/
Oh, What A Lovely Apocalypse
by
Kenneth J Ester.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 7-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 15/20

Anthropomorphic cockroaches. Bugs Life II? I smiled my way through this. A ringside seat at the end of mankind. So the bugs did it, eh? Sneaky little devils.

Easy to read. Bang on the prompt. Clever use of names. A little predictable in plot.

Nits:
So many commas.

Human notes?

Cockroaches can wink?

Very neat and compact. The characters come across well and some of the description is spot on.

'A ring of smoke spread around the cylindrical blast half the way up. The sky was a bright white for what seemed an eternal moment before it turned a strange magenta.'

Simple but effective.

A good read,
Thank you.

---

4/
Apocalypse
by
LCG

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 7-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 14/20

The mad scientist scenario with a twist. Stark (good name) saved the world; thank him for me please.
I can see you put a lot of work in on this, and it has paid off. It is easy to follow and the characters are well defined.

It does lean towards cliché. If I can be ultra picky for a moment, there are also a few minor errors here and there.

Altogether a strong story this time out. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Thank you.

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5/
One Bright Night
by
Sunny

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 18/20

Totally awesome! Like Al Stewart's 'Year Of The Cat.' Such a tiny snippet of tenderness, a hint of mystical and an ending with a bleakness that tugs at my heart. I can feel the Ariana effect.

This line:
'They bathed in the cool moonlight as he made love to her.'
Throws me a little. Did they make love, or did he imagine the union? 

Good characters, nice exploration of emotional tension. The prompt felt added on; almost irrelevant.

There is a feeling of ghostliness about this. An expanded version would quite happily be found in a collection that included one by Scott Derry. 
A joy.
Thank you.

---

6/
Oh, What A Lovely Apocalypse
by
Anna Buttons.

5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. 
5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 19/20

Wow! To put something this complex into so few words. Very clever, multi-layered and tight. I feel that the prompt was misused with style.

You have a talent for setting the scene, filling out the characters and running the plot. Subtle, cynical and darkly humorous. Possibly a bit, quality soap-operary which is no bad thing.

I also noticed you managed to avoid naming Jeff's wife. Sneaky.

When are you going to do a book?
As always a real treat to read.
Thank you.

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7/
Begin At The End
by
Spartan 928

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 17/20

Rock n roll! A full on, adrenalin pumping, all singing blast of entertainment. I can smell the leather and beer. A clever nod to the prompt.

Nits:
You could cut down Jesse's name checks by about half.

'The Fans' was repeated three times in quick succession.

I liked the cynical 'friend.' Some of the descriptions were excellent!

What can I say? You took me to a concert, gave me the best seat in the house.
Thank you.

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8/
Production Pictures Present
by
Skodt

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 7-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 14/20

Unfortunately when you posted your LM entry there were a few word crashes. Next time, to avoid this, please push the 'go advanced button' and preview your story. I have not reduced your score because of the unfortunate posting problem.

The End Of The World! Hollywood style. Neatly done but lacking originality and to a degree believability. The early mention of Hollywood was enough for me to think 'here we go again.'

The scene was well set and Hanley was well drawn. The sudden religious re-conversion was done well. I liked the slight touch of humour. The last line is great!

Nits:
There are a few clunky lines.

He gathered himself as an ordinary man without God. ??

A good, stand alone piece. The prompt was well served. Overall it was tightly written and entertaining. 
Thank you.

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9/
A Post-Apocalyptic Story
by
Ava

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 16/20

A real treat. I cannot remember the last time I read a post-apocalyptic story that did not involve shoot-outs, explosions and an escaped virus (and zombies). This was simple and relevant with its nod to today's problems. Well crafted, thoughtful and insightful. Vincent and Robert inhabit a well drawn world. They are believable everymen.

Nits:

he held one of this
these
Their journey out of the city was done in silent
silence.

Surprisingly for you there were a few clunky lines, nothing that detracts from the readers pleasure.
Very nice piece, could be expanded into a proper short.
I'd say this would sit on a shelf not far from Heinlein.
Thank you

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10/
Eat On Hungry Giant
by
KyleColorado

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 18/20

Oh yeah! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. From zero to hero, then to unwanted pain and finally into necessary evil. Busy guy. Completely bonkers and full of neat ideas. Is there a strip-cartoon in the offing?

This reads like you put your brain in gear and just went with the flow. How much is planned and how much is a string of nonsense?

It would be nice if the real superman was called Nigel. It's about time Nigels got a decent break.

I smiled all the way through and cheered at the end. It is difficult to place this. Possibly in a rubber room of its own.
Thank you.

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11/
The Rebirth Of Saraqael
by
Guy Fawks
3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
3/5 – Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing.
Effect 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total = 14/20

At last, a proper apocalypse. Demons and swords. Great imagery, neat characters, full-on faith verses deceit. The end is now! Very well executed but rather predictable in theme.

Good character names. Nicely stylised prose with a biblical flavour. One difficulty a writer faces is making conflict sound interesting. You managed better than many others.

Nits:
Sadly there are some grammar issues.

I did not mark you down for formatting issues, but you could break up the body of the text into rational block to make it easier to read.

Definitely a small part of a block-buster movie.
Thank you. 


*Terry D's Scores:*


Earth; The End is Nigh!
By Potty

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors.
Each line of dialogue by a different character should be its own paragraph. Some errors regarding punctuation preceding dialogue attributions – “Foreboding words indeed.” says Vorn. This should read; “Foreboding words indeed,” says Vorn.

Tone and Voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Very even tone throughout. Opened with an air of whimsy and stayed that way to the last line.

Effect 8/10 – Just barely missed the mark for me. The Reality show/Game show/News report format is an interesting way to attack this prompt, and, for the most part, you pulled it off well, but the ending didn’t have the punch I was hoping for.


General comments – The news report-like comments by Flordip and Vorn were spot on and read very smoothly. There were several bits of description which made me smile; Vorn twitches his lip feelers peevishly, was my favorite. In a story this short every word is gold, so I thought the ‘alienspeak’ of Ambasador Shlorp was a risky move. It was a very fun read.

Total 15/20

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The Third Seal
By LaughinJim

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing. I found nothing structurally wrong and paragraph construction was very sound. There were just a couple of spots where the flow of the writing hit a speed bump and jarred me. I’ll touch on those in my general comments.

Tone and Voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The tone was even and the voice consistent throughout, and, while Sean’s personality was apparent, the two women seemed somewhat flat to me.

Effect 8/10 – This was a good story with an excellent ending. There’s just enough subtle set-up throughout the story to make the ending effective. I’m still sitting here thinking I probably missed some biblical tie-ins.

General comments – This was a good story. It read smoothly and the dialogue was strong and rang true. As I mentioned above there were just a couple of places where I was jarred out of the story. The first was at the end of the first paragraph: Except to start the shape of the seat, he used all hand tools. Some compromises had to be made these days for expedience. This just didn’t read as smoothly to me as did most of the rest of the piece. Another was the line: When his mother, whose name was also Mary, gave a silent order . . . This sounds forced. I know why you did it, but it seems ‘jammed’ in. The final rough spot (for me) was the description of the box. I just can’t picture it in my mind. But all of those are minor nits, this is a good story and I’m glad to have read it.

Total 16/20

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Oh, What a Lovely Apocalypse
By Kenneth J. Ester

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. A few comma placement issues, and there were a couple of times when words in dialogue attributions were capitalized when there was no need (Ex. “How does it end Papa?” One of the little ones asked. Should be: “How does it end Papa?” one of the little ones asked.)

Tone and Voice 2/5 – Generic, uninteresting tone. The tone was consistent, but flat. This story had the potential to be very ironic, or sarcastic, or over-the-top. I feel it came across too vanilla.

Effect 7/10 – A good premise; the cockroach view of the apocalypse, but it lacks a kick-in-the-butt. 

General comments – I loved the Twinkie reference! Also, the mother’s lack of interest in her children was very effective at that point in the story. Overall I was hoping for more. These short-shorts need to have one thing they do very well, be it setting a mood, digging into a character, or putting a twist into the ending. This one was well written, but didn’t have any one thing to hang its hat on.

Total 12/20

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Apocalypse
By lcg

Spelling and grammar 2/5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling errors. It is apparent that English is not your first language, and while you are, in general, very proficient at writing in English, it would not be fair for me to ignore the frequently misspelled and misused words.

Tone and Voice 2/5 – Generic, uninteresting tone. In my opinion, the tone of a short-short story simply must be one of its strongest characteristics. In this story there is nothing to set it apart, or to make it memorable.

Effect 6/10 – This story did a good job of developing the premise of the prompt, and even added a nice twist in considering an apocalypse to prevent an apocalypse. I found that very creative, good job. I think it could have been developed with more originality, however, and I feel the main characters, Stark and the Prof, needed more personality.

General comments – I hope to see more entries from you in the LM competitions. I particularly liked Stark’s love of the world outside of HQ, and I had a real sense of his alienation from the scientists of HQ. It’s not easy to cram everything a story needs into just 650 words, and, while your story came close, it just missed the mark.

Total 10/20

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One Bright Night
By Sunny

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing. I found no technical errors in the story, and the only thing which prevented me from giving the piece a 5/5 was the occasional linguistic ‘speed-bump’ – places where the flow of the writing became slightly rough. For example: Cullison stepped in behind her, and pressed the palms of his hands on the small of her back. I think this would read smoother if you replaced “on” with ‘against’, or ‘to’. There were a couple other, similar, places.

Tone and Voice 5/5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. This story jumped off the page. The flow and pace were consistent throughout and you did an excellent job of creating a mood, particularly in the first section.

Effect 8/10 – I think you achieved the effect you were trying for (and what more can a writer ask for?), but I also think it fell just short of what it could have been. I didn’t feel as badly for Cullison as I think I could have as Ariana walked away at the end.

General comments – This is a very good story, Sunny. I really enjoyed reading it. Your take on the prompt was unique, well handled, and completely appropriate. You have great skill as a writer (do you even know how hard it is to span a decade in a 650 word story?) and a very individual voice.

Total 17/20

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Oh! What a Lovely Apocalypse
By Anna Buttons

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. Just some comma issues (missing commas before proper names mostly), and periods used in dialogue before the dialogue attribution: “Maybe I don’t think it should be repopulated.” Jane says with a look . . . Should be “Maybe I don’t think it should be repopulated,” Jane says with a look . . .

Tone and Voice 5/5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. You nailed it, Anna. The flirty, flippant, airy attitude of the narrator was completely consistent right up to the point where it needed to change at the end. The point-of-view was spot-on.

Effect 8/10 – I don’t know if it was intentional, but your story references the prompt in a couple of ways. Of course the game centered around an end-of-the-world scenario, but there was also that uncomfortable revelation (the true meaning of the word, apocalypse) at the end. Good job.

General comments – This story was very visual for me. I could actually see the party in my mind – sort of a New Millenium version of a 1950’s sit-com. It was a very fun read, and very well written. You have a strong knack for dialogue, and pacing. Cudos!

Total 16/20

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Begin At The End
By Spartan928

Spelling and Grammar 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing. No technical errors here that I could find, but there were a couple of word choice issues which interrupted the flow of the narrative for me; one being – Someone grabbed Jessie by the wrist and in a quick jerk pulled him to the side of the stage. The use of the word “in” seems a bit clunky to me, ‘with’ might flow better. I also think commas might be appropriate to set off the parenthetical phrase “in a quick jerk”.

Tone and Voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. You did a good job of conveying the chaotic nature of the concert. The short sentence structure added energy and vitality. I’m a sucker for song lyrics in fiction.

Effect 10/10 – Character, setting, action, dialogue, and the prompt are all used with great skill in this story. It grabbed me from the opening line and didn’t let go – like a good rock song.

General comments – I get the sense that Jesse, his band, and their manager are all part of a larger work? If not, they should be. I recently read the book The Five by Robert R. McCammon, it is also about a bar band and your story reminded me of it in many ways. Very good job.

Total 18/20

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Production Pictures Presents
By Skodt

Spelling and Grammar 2/5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling errors. The number of words with spaces missing between them was very distracting and really hurt the readability of this piece. There were also many comma placement errors.

Tone and Voice 3/5 – Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. Some stretches of this story read smoothly, but others were jerky and clumsy. For example: He ran down the street, dodging and weaving the buildings as cars flew through the air. The writing feels hurried, as if the author just wanted to get done with the story.

Effect 6/10 – The story kept to the prompt very well, and had a unique, slapstick, vision which I liked. Overall, however, it needs to be cleaned up (con-joinedwords) and slowed down a bit.

General comments – I think you wanted to say a lot with this piece and in the attempt lost some of the power it could have had. I like Hanley and would like to know him better, but after finishing the story I still wasn’t sure if the apocalypse was real and Hanley’s prayers saved the world, or if he had just wandered onto a movie set and came away clueless.

Total 11/20

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A Post-Apocalyptic Story
By AvA

Spelling and Grammar 3/5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. There were a few misspelled words (“this” instead of ‘these’ in the first paragraph, “silent” instead of ‘silence’ later on), and the tense seems to shift from past to present and back again in that first paragraph also.

Tone and Voice 3/5 – Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. There wasn’t any one thing which stood out about the story, the setting, or the characters. All were done well, but none were given any individuality. 

Effect 7/10 – The story was well written, and I started to get a feel for what Robert was like, which is not easy to do in a story this short. I was hoping for something unique about your post-apocalyptic world (maybe the smart-phone would work!) and was disappointed when it turned out to be the same-old-same-old. I am glad you didn’t actually bring on the Blighted in this piece, though.

General comments – I think this could be a terrific story if you gave your world some thought and made it unique in some way. Robert has the potential to be a very interesting character with his we-are-better-off-now philosophy. I would love to see his gentle nature tested in an un-gentle world of survivors and the Blighted. Thanks for the read.

Total 13/20

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Eat On Hungry Giant
By KyleColorado

Spelling and Grammar 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. It’s clear you built each paragraph carefully, with a desired effect in mind. I could find no technical errors, and the language flows well.

Tone and Voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice of this story is distinctive and consistent, but it falls just short of being unique.

Effect 9/10 – This was a very creative way to interpret the prompt, and it is extremely well written. There is meaning here, and fun, two things good writing should convey. Well done.

General comments – You obviously put some work into this piece, it shows in the construction and in the way it sounds almost effortless. I was eating lunch when I read it and I can assure you that I let nothing go to waste.

Total 18/20

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The Rebirth of Saraqael
By guy_faukes

Spelling and Grammar 2/5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling errors. The lack of paragraph spacing makes the story hard to read easily. Also, there are a number of places where periods are used in dialogue where commas are called for before dialogue attributions.

Tone and Voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice in this piece was distinctive and consistent, although there was not much variation in voice between characters.

Effect 7/10 – The story used the prompt appropriately, and approached the topic in a unique and interesting way. There was a strong, well delivered message. The lack of proper formatting, however, weakened the overall effect.

General comments – I liked the description of the demon in the first paragraph, and I enjoyed the surreal juxtaposition of demon, angel, and monk in Eden. I think in a longer form – with more room to breathe – this story could be very good. Thanks for entering it.

Total 13/20


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## Potty (Jun 14, 2012)

Congratulations everyone! Really great stories from all! 

(Bah humbug! I thought I had this one in the bag for sure! Thwarted again by the pesky meddling kids.)


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## lcg (Jun 14, 2012)

Than u all the judges for pointing out my weak points.
As you all pointed out English is indeed my second language. And also I am fledgling in the writing. I am still trying to discover how far I can go. 

But I hope one day, I will write that spectacular technically correct story! 

Congratulations to all the winners!


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## bazz cargo (Jun 14, 2012)

A very well deserved congratulations to: Kyle, Anna and Sunny.
Much appreciation to the judges for their time. 
Thanks to Charonia for the prompt.
A big Mexican wave to Potty for organising it.
\0/\0/\0/


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## LaughinJim (Jun 15, 2012)

Congratulations to Kyle on a job well done, and to Sunny and Anna as well. 

Thanks to the judges for taking the time for all the reading and analysis. Thank you to Potty for the thankless job of putting it together. As for my piece, thank you for the nice comments. I’ll take my fifth with the thought that horse race purses pay out to the fifth position as well. 

Some responses: bazz cargo, maybe I will get around to writing that novel from which this could be an excerpt but right now I am working on other things.

Terry D, the box was not described properly, it needed quite a few more words to do it some justice. I also goofed up in saying ‘long side’ instead of ‘short side.’ I should have read it one more time, forgive my short sight. As for jarring transitions, I had a choice: either say as much as possible and take a chance on smoothness or say very little of importance and make it a seamless piece. I chose the former thinking: qu’est sera sera. Thank you for your insights, I found them quite accurate.

Gamer 24k, there were quite a few things in that dialogue. Thanks for the other nice comments, though.

Jonm, that was very gracious of you to give me a high score while not catching the reference. You are quite right, it is from Revelations, but that’s what I thought the prompt was. Apocalypse, in Greek, means ‘the unveiling.’ It is the title of that work in its original language, and the second definition, meaning the end of the world, is based on the description of the end of time, judgment, etc. that occurs in that work.

Oh yes, by the way, the phone call excuse was a diversion. Sean's mother was signalling to him that it was time to break the third seal and he needed an excuse to go downstairs. I'm sorry if people didn't catch that, once again the word restriction is a problem when you're trying to say a lot. The part about his friend Mike, I'll leave for the imagination.


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## Terry D (Jun 15, 2012)

Congratulations to the -- well deserved -- winners.  Kyle, Anna, and Sunny, you all did a great job.  Judging these stories was tough, it was clear that everyone put a lot of themselves into their work.  I'm looking forward to reading more from all of you.


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## Kyle R (Jun 15, 2012)

Woohoo!

I'm grateful for this. I've been getting discouraged with my writing lately, moping around in a slump, and receiving positive feedback like this definately helps motivate me to keep going.

Congrats to Anna and Sunny also! Great writing from both you!

Also, great job by the other writers! I read each of your stories and I liked every single one.

And a big thank you to Potty for organizing everything!

Gamer - Finally, I've written something you don't hate! I should retire from writing after something like that.  End on a high note, you know? Thanks for the encouraging feedback. I'm glad the characterization and voice worked for you, it means a lot to me. Cheers!

Jon - I'm glad you liked the first person handling. I normally prefer third person limited, but I thought, while contemplating the prompt, that first person would give me more room for summary, so I could squeeze more story into the word limit. Along the way I just tried to have fun with it. I'm also glad you liked the details. I also like that little teaser line from the opening. It came about only after I had finished the story.. it was originally near the end, but I decided to plop it near the beginning for effect. Thanks for critiquing! Cheers

Bazz - I like your description of the piece. I don't know how much if it was planned or improvised, I don't really remember. My eyes tend to roll up in their sockets when I write, and then I come to some time later, with a written piece in front of me, and a pile of dead rabbits beside me, and my clothes torn and dirty. I laughed when you said this story should be put in a rubber room. Lol. Nigels and Edmonds of the world, unite! Thanks for the always encouraging feedback. Cheers!

Terry - I'm glad you liked this. The appearance of building each paragraph actually came from deconstruction, rather than construction. Originally this story was about 2000 words.. and trimming it down was quite a struggle! I was forced to keep only the direct and forceful sentences, and I had to hack away my prose with a machete while I bawled and shouted, "Oh, the humanity!" But I'm glad it paid off in the end. I think I was hungry when I wrote this. Thanks for your encouraging feedback! Cheers


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jun 15, 2012)

Congratulations to all the winners! Thrilling stories from all! :thumbl:


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 16, 2012)

Thank you to all the judges for their feedback, and congratulations to Kyle, Anna and Sunny.
 It's embarrassing to see that my grammar and spelling was that off and I admit, my entry was hastily written and submitted. I hope to write a modern fantasy novel, so I hope I can sharpen my weak points of writing. Practice, practice, practice.


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## Sunny (Jun 16, 2012)

WOW! I WON, I WON, I WON! *jumps up and down before calling my mom with the great news* ;0)

Well, I sort of won... Kyle did steal that 1st place prize out from under me and Anna! I guess he could have deserved it... .who knows! *shrugs*

But hey... I've never got 1st place before so I don't know what I'm missing. And I've sure never got 3rd place before either... for nothin'! So this is awesome. It feels great. You judges are lovely - I could never do what you did! ;0)

Thanks so much. It's very nice to know that some people actually like my writing, and this makes me want to continue even more. 

Oh, and.... Kyle, you know I'm only joking. You totally deserved first place just as Anna deserved 2nd over me... 

I suppose... *kicks a rock* ;0)


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## spartan928 (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks to the judges for their thoughtful critiques and scores. This is my first ever submission and it's incredible how much you can learn from the experience. I enjoyed all the stories and kudos to the winners. Looking forward to more !


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