# My soul



## AnnieAnne (Apr 14, 2014)

My soul was like water
Pure, crystal clear
What happens to water
When it gets dirty with fear?
The water, you can't drink
My soul, you can't love
My heart keeps creating
Problems it can't solve


----------



## A_Jones (Apr 14, 2014)

Awe.  Very sad, but so true.  I really liked this!  Great job!


----------



## Bard_Daniel (Apr 14, 2014)

Excellent!


----------



## Pandora (Apr 14, 2014)

Few words with a big message

"Pure, crystal clear" a description I have read before but I have never quite felt it like in your poem. The image beautiful 
making the following lines powerful, yes sad but I get hope from it because to know is half the battle. Well done, AnnieAnne.


----------



## VICE (Apr 14, 2014)

I have little bit of problem with this poem.
Actually, pure water is not good for your health.



That being said, the impression that I get from this poem is the nervousness and uncertainty feeling of first or early experience in [teenage] relationship.
I can feel that the piece are emanating strong innocent and naivete emotions.


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 15, 2014)

* VICE* I asked my chemistry teacher and she said that pure water isn't good for our health if we keep drinking it all our life, as it lack the minerals our organism needs, but it does no harm if we drink it once, it's neutral  Anyway when I said pure, I meant clean and immaculate.
And you're right about the emotions emanated as it was my purpose for this poem to be interpreted that way although it isn't dedicated to a special someone. It's dedicated to all the people around me.



> The water, you can't drink
> My soul, you can't love


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 15, 2014)

* A_Jones,** danielstj*, *Pandora* I'm glad you like it! Sad poems are my specialty.
*
*


----------



## Misty Mirrors (Apr 19, 2014)

Great poem.
Nice comparison.
Descriptive.
Effective.
I learned from your poem.


----------



## aj47 (Apr 19, 2014)

AnnieAnne said:


> My soul was like water
> Pure, crystal clear
> What happens to water
> When it gets dirty with fear?
> ...



I would say "cannot" instead of "can't" but that's a style issue.

This is very nice, though sad.


----------



## Rivahads (Apr 20, 2014)

If I were to critique this it would do it an injustice. 
Excellent work!


----------



## gamblingworld (Apr 20, 2014)

Yes, I've definitely been there, when you are scared of what might happen you become an unlovable mess, or at least I do! Nice work.


----------



## mohawksavage (Apr 21, 2014)

Great poem. A little dark but I like it.


----------



## escorial (Apr 22, 2014)

a direct approach..clear to muddy that expresses it all very well.


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

> Great poem.
> Nice comparison.
> Descriptive.
> Effective.
> I learned from your poem.



Thank you, I'm glad you like it. :joyous: It sounded like you made a poem about my poem!


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

> I would say "cannot" instead of "can't" but that's a style issue.
> 
> This is very nice, though sad.


 *astroannie*       I just wanted to keep it easy and simple to read, I think the "cannot" would add an extra drama that makes the poem too dark. If I use "can't" it's just like I'm stating a fact - You can't love my soul, period. Like it isn't open to discussion. 
Glad you find it nice but it just a little poem I wrote while I was bored in school, not a big deal :redface:


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

> If I were to critique this it would do it an injustice.
> Excellent work!


I don't mind critiques though! They're appreciated


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

> Yes, I've definitely been there, when you are scared of what might  happen you become an unlovable mess, or at least I do! Nice work.


That's it, the the feeling I wanted to transmit, the fear, the vulnerability we feel when we're uncertain, that only makes us feel worse. Thanks!


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

> Great poem. A little dark but I like it.


 Well you know what they say, stars can't shine with out a little darkness .-.



> a direct approach..clear to muddy that expresses it all very well.


 I like to go straight to the point  other way I would confuse you and my self


----------



## Mans (Apr 24, 2014)

The poem is short. It looks like you have cut it off with a scissor to become a little poem but I love your writing among this poem.
 Thank you for writing it, I know you have suffered to write these few stanzas but try to write more but not so long to make the readers tired :unconscious:


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 24, 2014)

Haha you made me imagine me picking a scissor and cutting all my poems in little tiny pieces but that's not what happened xD Actually before I posted this poem I even added a few more lines that the original version had. I think that the beauty that the poem might have relies there. It's a little, simple poem, made for the reader to appreciate the comparison and identify with the feeling it transmits. Yap these stanzas are all inspired in my life, it helps the "sad me" the feel less sad if I transform this sadness in something beautiful. Thanks for your critique! Do you write poetry too?


----------



## Mans (Apr 24, 2014)

AnnieAnne said:


> Haha you made me imagine me picking a scissor and cutting all my poems in little tiny pieces but that's not what happened xD Actually before I posted this poem I even added a few more lines that the original version had. I think that the beauty that the poem might have relies there. It's a little, simple poem, made for the reader to appreciate the comparison and identify with the feeling it transmits. Yap these stanzas are all inspired in my life, it helps the "sad me" the feel less sad if I transform this sadness in something beautiful. Thanks for your critique! Do you write poetry too?



Yes I write, but the staff of the WF doesn't allow me to write. He has restricted me to create a new thread, and I just have to read other writers' poems. I don't know when he will permit me to send a poem or an article.


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 25, 2014)

> Yes I write, but the staff of the WF doesn't allow me to write. He has  restricted me to create a new thread, and I just have to read other  writers' poems. I don't know when he will permit me to send a poem or an  article.


Oh, worry not, when I first came here I was also confused when I saw that I couldn't post my stuff right away. But it's because of the "10 posts" rule, that helps you to explore the forum and make new friends. Once you make your 10th post you can start sharing your poetry with the rest of community. Just make sure you comment on other people's art as it will help you to get more critiques too. After 72 hours here you can edit your profile (change your avatar, etc)  Can't wait to read your poetry!


----------



## Mans (Apr 26, 2014)

AnnieAnne said:


> Oh, worry not, when I first came here I was also confused when I saw that I couldn't post my stuff right away. But it's because of the "10 posts" rule, that helps you to explore the forum and make new friends. Once you make your 10th post you can start sharing your poetry with the rest of community. Just make sure you comment on other people's art as it will help you to get more critiques too. After 72 hours here you can edit your profile (change your avatar, etc)  Can't wait to read your poetry!



Fortunately the numbers of my posts reached 10th and when I referred to the poetry section, I saw, I can create a new thread. :unconscious: But sorrily when I started thinking to write a poem, my brain was locked and I noticed I am not able to write anything. I got rid the WF rule but fell into another problem and it was the block writers. please wait...I am petting myself kindly, maybe I can open the lock and write something.


----------



## Elvenswordsman (Apr 26, 2014)

I really enjoy the theme involved in this piece, you address it masterfully. I have some recommendations, so here is my take on your piece.

My soul was like water
Pristine, crystal clear
What happens to water
When sullied by fear?

Pristine addresses issues others had about purity, I also feel pristine offers you a word that means so much more than pure does, at least in the context. Sullied by fear gives flavour to the piece, as well as setting it into rhythm.

The end bit seems slightly forced to me, too many themes. I think others noticed this, and it could partly have to do with you having cut pieces from the end. I'd settle on one idea, perhaps unacceptable soul, and not push the "my heart makes problems" theme. While keeping to your theme, I'd try something similar to:

No longer refreshing
My soul, now spoilt
Abscond from me darling
Before you do wilt

Or maybe "Away from me darling"

Again, I'm not suggesting you use that end as it wholly applies to my own experiences, but I hope you see what I mean by sticking to one theme.

Also, you'll note that the syllable count is 5,6,5,6,5,6,5,6.


----------



## AnnieAnne (Apr 26, 2014)

> Fortunately the numbers of my posts reached 10th and when I referred to the poetry section, I saw, I can create a new thread. :unconscious:  But sorrily when I started thinking to write a poem, my brain was  locked and I noticed I am not able to write anything. I got rid the WF  rule but fell into another problem and it was the block writers. please  wait...I am petting myself kindly, maybe I can open the lock and write  something.


Yay! So know lets just hope that inspiration comes. It's a tricky little bastard that comes around when you less expect and then as suddenly as it appeared leaves for indefinite time. Can be attracted by appreciating art, boredom and music.  Don't you have any poem that you want to submit in an old notebook or something? Sometimes I post poems I wrote months or even years ago. Be patient my friend and I will be alert to any new poems that appear, hoping to see one of yours. By this time you see a pretty unique person and your poetry must be too!


----------



## Deleted member 56014 (Apr 26, 2014)

It's a simple poem and I think you achieved something most people try to achieve but rarely do. You have manage to pass a powerful message with simple, yet well chosen, words.
Well done, sincerely.


----------



## Mans (Apr 27, 2014)

AnnieAnne said:


> Yay! So know lets just hope that inspiration comes. It's a tricky little bastard that comes around when you less expect and then as suddenly as it appeared leaves for indefinite time. Can be attracted by appreciating art, boredom and music.  Don't you have any poem that you want to submit in an old notebook or something? Sometimes I post poems I wrote months or even years ago. Be patient my friend and I will be alert to any new poems that appear, hoping to see one of yours. By this time you see a pretty unique person and your poetry must be too!



Well, let me I explain a bit. I recently have lost all my interests  about everything, even writing. Nothing can makes me happy and confident. I am like a ship which is moving on the ocean but doesn't know where is going. I have a great talent and imagination for writing but sorrily this recent mood prevent me to start. The only my motivation of these conversations in this forum, is that I practice English, and if not, I never come to this forum or other for discussion. 
I have many treasures of ideas in my mind. Also my ability of writing is admirable but at present I am as the piece of ice, cold and sedentary. 
However, I have learned English in recent years self-educating and am going on, this is the only my interest that pushes me forward to write some short comments. Yes, I wrote one or two poems months ago but they had some errors in English. I saved them as a Word file but I wasn't in mood to find them in the drives. When I found them, it is necessary I edit them to be deserve for posting then I will send them to the forum :unconscious:


----------



## AnnaLover (Apr 29, 2014)

Not every body as a chance to be happy! I've found mine! I've found the person that solves my heart and plays with my mind! keep going Anna I'm shure that you will be happy :-o


----------

