# 4/29/09 - 'We'd Like to Know a Little about You for Our Files' Scores



## Tiamat (May 21, 2009)

Here it is, ladies and gents, the moment you've all been waiting for.  First off, I want to again extend a huge "Thank you very much, you rock the kasbah!" to *Candrah*, *Black Board*, and *Garden of Kadesh* for volunteering their precious time to judge this round of the LM.  Also, an equally massive thank you to *The Backward Ox* for providing the theme.

Courtesies out of the way, here are the results:

Amber Leaf - Surgery:  14, 15, 16, 16 = 15.25
Mike - A Chance upon the Ruins:  16, 17, 17, 15 = 16.25
Tom - Top of the Crapper:  17, 16, 16, 13 = 15.5
Crazed Scribe - Cerebrum:  15, 14, 17, 16 = 15.5
GunslingersRequiem - Zero Welcome Rendezvous:  14, 17, 19, 17 = 16.75
*Detention Veteran - And How Do You Feel About That:  16, 18, 19, 16 = 17.25*
Robosquad - One Day You'll Grow:  14, 19, 15, 14 = 15.5
seawings - Nada:  13, 15, 14, 13 = 13.75
*alanmt - My Application to the Adventurer's Guild:  17, 16, 18, 20 = 17.75*
MeeQ - Blaine for Clover:  15, 16, 16, 17 = 16
*adrianhayter - Death and Privacy:  16, 17, 20, 19 = 18*
Like a Fox - Store Credit:  18, 15, 15, 17 = 16.25
DarkDyer - Chasing a Memory:  19, 14, 15, 16 = 16

*First Place:  adrianhayter*

*Second Place:  alanmt*

*Third Place:  Detention Veteran*

A hearty congratulations to the winners this round!  Give them your wallets, or just a round of applause!

(Note:  If you see any errors or ommisions, don't hesiste to give me a swift kick in the rear end.)

Congratulations to all, once again!


----------



## Tiamat (May 21, 2009)

*Black Board's Scores*

Amber Leaf -- 14/20

Hard to connect, understand your main character and relate to her motivations. Give her a name. Try to stick with one person and not head-hop. There's too much telling, and not enough showing. 

Mike -- 16/20 

Thick, syrupy, purple prose. At times I felt like I was reading out of college textbook. I'm a lover of stories not math. N-space? Numbers and variable? Just stick to the story. It is unclear what is happening. Storytelling is about weaving truth into fictional incidents, and not about solving riddles. Try to enage the readers by first allowing us to connect with your character.

Tom -- 17/20 

Good lean prose, wiry humour. Some cliche dialogue. No, in fact, real clumsy dialogue, over-the-top, unbelievable transpiration of characters speaking out of of context. Dialogue not grounded in reality, such as "Just Dandy." If you constantly did not break the suspension of disbelief, you could've scored much higher. There was absolutely no tension or suspense. Dialogue works best when there is conflict. Have them be _his_ snitch, instead.

Crazed Scribe -- 15/20 

How about providing subtlety in your stories? Instead of saying he was angry, show his anger, without telling the readers he's angry. How is he angry? What makes him angry? How is his anger any different from other characters? Who is he fighting with? His mother? Girlfriend? Your characters feel mechanical, not natural. As if they are being forced to say the things they do to fit a particular theme or allegory. Work it the other way around. Have the story come first, then the message. The best writers are silent observers, not ventriloquists. This is why your ending feels forced, and does not harmonize with the first half.

Gunslinger -- 14/20

Distand, cold, lifeless. What is happening here? Why is there not a single coherent sentence? <internal data log> rework_rewrite = success; check all error; connection required +++ Establish first a character, conflict, action, and dialogue. Setting is least important. 

Detention -- 16/20 

Too many repetitive dialogue, which leads nowhere. I like your premise; but the execution is kind of sloppy. You need to hint at the supernatural elements, beforehand, dropping clues on the way, instead of shifting the tone all of a sudden to the supernatural event, which leaves the readers reeling, and asking themselves, "Wait, what the hell happened here?" In other words, you need some narrative action interspersed throughout the story. I know it's hard, but you should try it.

RoboSquad -- 14/20

I do not know what is happening. I'm sorry. Please don't write in the second perspective. 

Seawings -- 13/20

You spent an hour describing the sun. You spent three sentences more than what was needed about the sun. You should condense these three sentences describing the heat and sun into one. You treat your readers like fools. Why? You repeat the same dialogue over and over. Why? 

Alanmt -- 17/20 

Good, competent writing. I sense the passion in your writing. You know where your characters are headed. The problem I had was with some of your cliche dialogue and the ending that just fizzles out. No level of suspense or a build-up to a climax. In fact, I didn't feel anything. The ending had no impact on me. None. Take risks, and go even further with your ending to the land of taboo. Make it shocking. Don't have your characters just banter with each other; instead, make the discussion ultra serious to achieve a level of believability and payoff.

MeeQ -- 15/20

The first sentence is good; then my eyes glazes over. Too many telling; not enough showing. I cannot _see _your characters, nor their movement, nor where they are in the placement of your setting. I cannot empathize with your character. Make me care by showing their actions, along with the dialogue. Keep the kind of prose you had in your first sentence throughout the entire story. 

Adrian -- 16/20

Morbid account of treachery, the kind I like. But there is something about your prose that holds back the curiousity. Passive voice. You use it too much. Write active. No more telling, please. I want to see the action, not be told by the narrator. I want to see what's happening as it occurs, LIVE. I think the best advice for you is write in the script format. Have you ever wrote a script? Try it. It will help you improve your prose. 

Fox -- 18/20

Hilarious. At first, I had trouble reading the bolded part. Is there any significance with the bolded part? Have some narrative action along with the dialogue. It reads too much like a skit. Yet, I greatly appreciate the beginning, middle, and end. It's a solid read, although I question some of the dialogue... like _nailed it! _And you did, indeed.

DarkDyer -- 19/20

Best out of the bunch. Great voice, great style, great character. The prose flows; it feels natural. Doesn't feel like your manipulating your characters, instead allowing them to interact as they will. One thing I did not like (minus one point) is the fact that it was all a dream sequence. That's cheap. That's very cheap. Try writing this without it being a dream, straight from beginning to end. Don't be afraid to take risks. Because you lose your momentum halfway down the story. You fall in the same snare of telling, instead of showing.


----------



## Tiamat (May 21, 2009)

*Garden of Kadesh's Scores*

*Title: Surgery
  Author: Amber Leaf*

 I found this both amusing and…confusing. The style is appropriate and the writing seems sound, but clarity is an issue – it comes across as if the narrator is schizophrenic. Not sure if that’s intended. More transparency would do a lot for this one. 15/20

*Title: A Chance Upon the Ruins
  Author: Mike*

This is a nice sci-fi piece - could work as part of a larger story or a stand-alone. The writing is a lucid and engaging. My main criticism here is that it isn’t a particularly strong relation to the prompt. 17/20

*Title: Top of the Crapper
  Author: Tom*

First thing that struck me about this one is that it seems very real. The dialogue is believable and the story isn’t fantastical; refreshingly, there’s not much frill. However, the story doesn’t seem to move very far. It only takes a little bite. 16/20

*Title: Cerebrum
  Author: Crazed Scribe*

Well, there’s the ingenuity of the cops for you. The ending is kind of peculiar – I don’t think it works. The “blood and cerebral juices lapped at his feet” line is beautifully gross, though. One little error I found – James’s should be James’. 14/20

*Title: Zero Welcome Rendezvous
  Author: GunslingersRequiem*

Took me a while to get a bearing on the style, but I appreciate the effort to be experimental. I’m tempted to say that you need to throw the reader some more rope; there’s quite of few ambiguous lines. The program language was a nice touch. 17/20

*Title: And How Do You Feel About That?
  Author: Detention Veteran*

   The humor works very well here. The vampire bit is priceless. 18/20

*Title: One Day You’ll Grow Up
  Author: Robosquad*

Relatable and charming. It’s interesting that you chose to write in the second person; don’t see that one too often. Thoughtful use of the prompt – it was more than just a passing note. Don’t we all want to just reach for the bowl of candy on the desk? 19/20

*Title: Nada
  Author: Seawings*

Technically you modified the prompt, but this is funny in a way. Just as the “twins” aren’t getting the writer’s files, we the readers aren’t getting any answers. Who are the two guys and what do they want? We’ll never know, because the door got slammed in our face :smile: 15/20

*Title: My Application to the Adventurer’s Guild
  Author: Alanmt*

Apparently bureaucracy has found its way into the fantasy world. If I got a dollar every time I wanted to throw a dagger at a “scribe”…Anyway, this is a good read – lighthearted and fluidly written. 16/20

*Title: Blaine for Clover
  Author: MeeQ*

I liked the twist ending. The tone/narrator seems kind of clinical, which is fitting. The first patient’s dialogue sounded a little too Hannibal-esque, though. 16/20

*Title: Death and Privacy
  Author: adrianhayter*

  Great ending – I can honestly say I didn’t see that coming. Sounds like an episode of CSI. 17/20

*Title: Store Credit
  Author: Like a Fox*

Yes, it would definitely be hell having to watch your own “It’s a Wonderful Life” over and over again. This is a good fable, but the prompt isn’t used very prominently. 15/20

*Title: Chasing a Memory
  Author: DarkDyer*

An interesting glimpse, but leaves a lot unanswered. Being exposed little by little to some painful memory when you sleep is a harrowing concept. One thing that I think should be noted is that although the writing is technically good, it feels uninspired. Keep striving for that ever elusive “voice”. 14/20


----------



## Tiamat (May 21, 2009)

*Candrah's Scores*

Amberleaf “Surgery”

 16/20 – I liked the cryptic style of this and it had a strong voice that worked well. Unfortunately I didn’t get it and found the lack of working out of the plot got in the way of my overall enjoyment. Only found one error – *Gordon Ramsey* should be *Gordon Ramsay*. Nice entry.

 Mike “A Chance upon the Ruins”

 17/20 – An interesting story with good tension and some lovely imagery. Particularly liked *“There is an uncertainty in darkness, the dye is still indeterminate”*. Made my imagination run riot. The first person POV worked well but there was no mention of the theme which worked against this.

 Tom “Top of the Crapper”

 16/20 – Couple of grammar issues; *“six accounts”* should maybe be *six counts*?And a couple of dialogue tags were wrong. Nothing major though. Good story with a nice twist at the end and the cynical tone worked well. Some lovely descriptions of the unbearable heat - could almost feel it. Could also have mentioned the theme somewhere – couldn’t find it in the story.

 Crazed Scribe “Cerebrum”

 17/20 – Nice use of the theme at the end. A well told story with no grammar/spelling errors that I could see. Nice idea, well worked out. Good job!

 GunslingersRequiem “Zero Welcome Rendevous”

 19/20 – Odd story and very difficult to follow. I didn’t get it, but its so well written and absorbing that I can overlook my reader deficiencies. The first person POV managed to keep me at arms length which it shouldn’t – nice work there. And I liked the humour around the theme *“Of course”*. Great entry.

 Detention Veteran “And How do You Feel About That?”

 19/20 – Great tone, cynical and humorous and I liked the way the theme was turned on its head. I liked this a lot, it made me smile. Nothing bad to say about it - perfect grammar and spelling. Great job!

 Robosquad “One Day You’ll Grow”

 15/20 – Some grammar issues. The sentence beginning “When you were little…” doesn’t make sense. A missing word maybe? Second person POV isn’t my preferred style to read, but it kind of works here. The theme could use more work. If he’s been in trouble before surely the school? already has his information. Well written otherwise. Good entry.

 Seawings “Nada”

 14/20 – Some good imagery and a nice description of the twins. A bit odd this one but it made me smile. Unfortunately the bad grammar and poor sentence structure let this down.

 Alanmt “My Application to the Adventurer’s Guild”

 18/20 – Great story. No errors that I could see. This had a cynical undertone that worked for me. Loved the tone and the use of the theme and I particularly liked the resurrection bit – didn’t see that coming. Nice. This one made me laugh out loud.

 Meeq “Blaine for Clover”

 16/20 – A good idea reasonably well worked out. I liked the twist at the end when Blaine is in Clover’s head and vice versa. Unfortunately the tenses jumped about too much and became a bit confusing. Some of them were deliberate but towards the end was wrong which let this down. Shame. Otherwise, it was a good story.

 Adrianhayter “Death and Privacy”

 20/20 – This made me smile then laugh out loud. Lovely humorous tone throughout that worked perfectly with the subject matter. Nice use of the theme and no errors that I could see. Brilliant entry - be smiling about this one for a while.
 
Like a Fox “Store Credit”

 15/20 – Nice idea but let down by the grammar. Too many unnecessary semi-colons and a lot of commas where there should have been full stops/periods. Not bad otherwise though. Interesting.

 Darkdyer “Chasing a Memory”

 15/20 – The tense in this kept jumping from past to present which put me off. Shame, because it was an unusual idea and left me wanting to know more.


----------



## Tiamat (May 21, 2009)

*Tiamat's Scores*

Amber Leaf - Surgery

A very interesting idea, but it feels to me like a short glimpse into what could be a longer work.  My only other complaint with this piece is the punctuation for thoughts.  Like, "Oh my God!" she thought.  Thoughts are supposed to be italicized.

16/20

---

Mike - A Chance upon the Ruins

I didn't entirely get this, even after reading it twice.  Admittedly, sci-fi has never been my forte but this, to me, is just a little too vague.  Also, I didn't notice anything at all about files or anyone needing to know more about your MC for said files.  I did really like the simile here though, "My hand rests on it as cautious as a bunch of flowers rests on a tombstone."

15/20

---

Tom - Top of the Crapper

Your punctuation is bad in your dialogue.  You leave out the commas.  "Just dandy" I lied = "Just dandy," I lied.  Also, 'leant' should be 'leaned'.  The story itself doesn't really feel like a complete story.  In fact, it ends right where I feel the real story begins, so I was disappointed.

13/20

---

Crazed Scribe - Cerebrum

First off, I have no sympathy for people that can't control their anger, but you made me enjoy this story anyway.  However, after I got to thinking about it, I realized that the police would be able to see that there was no forced entry into the house and James would be the number one suspect.  So you're losing points for that, but I still did enjoy the story.

16/20

---

GunslingersRequiem - Zero Welcome Rendezvous

More sci-fi.  I suppose it should be no surprise that I'm not sure I get it, even after three reads.  It's hard to empathize with, and therefore care about machines.

17/20

---

Detention Veteran - And How Do You Feel About That

Interesting.  I don't really care about the shrink or your MC though.  And, like so many others, this story feels more like a scene from something bigger.  Things like the fact that vampires are apparently common in this story (not to mention that your MC went down on one) practically beg for more details than you've presented.

16/20

---

Robosquad - One Day You'll Grow

I liked the way you handled the dialogue, but I'm not sure I liked the second person approach for this piece.  It kind of grated on me, being told how I looked and how I reacted.  Also, this is a mistake:  " When you were little you used to drop peas on the see the green innards ooze out of them."  You're losing a point for that.

14/20

---

seawings - Nada

Lots of grammatical issue with this piece, and a few others as well.  The 'it was hot' in the first paragraph is redundant.  You already illustrated the heat by describing the way the heat shimmered.  'Windows' should be 'window's'.  Towards the end 'your' should be 'you're'.  And the repetition of "Me and my files" got on my nerves.  Repetition almost never works, just like it doesn't here.

13/20

---

alanmt - My Application to the Adventurer's Guild

This one was fun.  I loved it.  I always enjoy your fantasy pieces, Alan.  Just the right amount of information, mingled with just the right amount of sublety.  My only 'nit' is the fact you used bright green font!  

20/20

---

MeeQ - Blaine for Clover

Some punctuation mistakes, but nothing major.  As for the story, your doctor is kind of a cliché.  Odd that you tell the story from his perspective and don't really give him a personality outside of his job.  That said, the idea that Blaine hears Clover's voice in his mind and Clover hears Blaine is kind of nifty.  

17/20

---

adrianhayter - Death and Privacy

This, like so many of your stories, is funny and creepy at the same time.  Your mortician is a really interesting character, talking to the dead and answering his own questions at the same time.  It's kind of odd that someone pulled from the ocean, having been there for who knows how long, then found, driven to a mortuary, and layed out again for goodness knows how long can suddenly cough the water (and crabs and minnows--ew) out of his own lungs without any help though.  That's the only thing that caught my eye in this piece, and I still loved it regardless.

19/20

---

Like a Fox - Store Credit

I knew someone was going to do a Heaven/Hell story for this theme.  It's an overused topic on any regard, but somehow the stories always interest me.  I guess I get a kick out of what different people consider absolute paradise or absolute--for lack of a better word--hell.  I didn't like the way you punctuated and spaced the dialogue though.  It wasn't hard to follow, mind you, which is the important part, but I'm a stickler for the whole 'each new speaker gets a new paragraph and those paragraphs are double spaced'.  An interesting story though.

17/20

---

DarkDyer - Chasing a Memory

I like the idea, but I felt that it promised more than it delivered.  The dream had me hooked, then at the mention of the weird things that had been happening, I was very much intrigued.  But then nothing was revealed and I felt let-down.  Maybe it was just the word count, but those last several paragraphs where your MC ruminates about the dream could have been better spent delving into something more interesting.

16/20


----------



## Crazed Scribe (May 21, 2009)

Thanks Judges for your time.

@ Tiamat : Yeah, that was careless of me I should have thought that out properly. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@ Garden of Kadesh: I thought that the apostrophe could be used in both ways in that case?

@Candrah: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! 

@Black board: Thank you for the advice. I'm definitely going to try and implement that the next time I write.

Congrats to the winners!


----------



## seawings (May 21, 2009)

I thank the judges for their comments. While my submission didn't work (I was trying something that didn't work) I do appreciate your comments. Thank you.


----------



## Mike (May 21, 2009)

Thank you judges, for the time and energy you put into reading and scoring everyone's work.

This will probably be my last Literary Maneuver on here. I don't like the five-hundred-word cutoff, and I don't quite agree with the judges' perception of my writing quality(or the scores that reflect those perceptions), especially in consideration to this current maneuver.


----------



## MeeQ (May 21, 2009)

Indeed, many thankyou's. your time and honesty is highly appreciated by myself. An understandable victory to Mr Hayter.


----------



## adrianhayter (May 21, 2009)

I’d like to thank all the judges and let them know that I’ll be releasing their loved ones. All except Black Board – Yours suffered a horrible accident totally beyond my control. 

Seriously, if you have the time in the future, I’d love another  critique. 

Thanks again.

Adrian


----------



## Garden of Kadesh (May 21, 2009)

Crazed Scribe said:


> Thanks Judges for your time.
> 
> @ Tiamat : Yeah, that was careless of me I should have thought that out properly. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
> 
> ...



Ah, my bad. Supposedly you can place a possessive apostrophe with the extra "s" when you would actually pronounce the added "s", which I suppose you would do with somebody's name. Some sources say that you should never add the extra "s" if the word already ends with one, but you'll be fine unless you come across a grammar nazi, such as myself.

Congratulations to the winners, by the way :smile:


----------



## Robosquad (May 21, 2009)

Congradulations to the winners.

Mine was really a bit of a failed experiment. Second person? Never use it. Vernacular speech? Rarely use it. 500 words? First time trying to write something that short outside of an exercise (and wow, is it ever hard to write with that limit). A few grammer slip-ups and typos were also inexcusable. Still, thanks to Garden of Kadesh, who apparently thought it deserved the highest score.



> Amber Leaf - Surgery
> 
> A very interesting idea, but it feels to me like a short glimpse into what could be a longer work. My only other complaint with this piece is the punctuation for thoughts. Like, "Oh my God!" she thought. *Thoughts are supposed to be italicized.
> *


It's not really my place, but no.  No, they do not.  Italics are a little corny, if anything.  A "she thought" attribution is equally acceptable.  Given the limited third person perspective, it would also have been acceptable to just say "Oh my God!" with no attribution or italics.


----------



## alanmt (May 21, 2009)

Black_Board, Garden of Kadesh. Candrah, and Tiamat:

Thank you all so much for judging!  It is very much appreciated, as are all of your comments and constructive criticisms.

Congrats also to Adrian and Detention Veteran, and well done for all.


----------



## Like a Fox (May 22, 2009)

Hey *thanks* to all the judges for putting in their time, *congratulations* to the winners.
And now... *excuses* for my own shortcomings:

*BlackBoard *– Pleased you appreciated the humour, and thanks for my best score. Not sure why I did the bold thing. That’s how it started when I was just nutting out dialogue. Wasn’t sure whether or not to leave it, should have opted with ‘not’. 

*Garden** of Kadesh* – I can't say I agree with you on the prompt thing. Only because I worked pretty hard to interlace a number of Simon and Garfunkle lyrics into the piece... that was the gimmick I guess. Not sure anyone got it? Haha.

*Candrah *– I get a little colon and comma happy when I write. Not actually 100% clear on when they’re best. Need to do some research before I go messing up anymore writing with them I think. Thanks for pointing it out. I’ve never really been sure.

*Tiamat* – Think I’ve covered, the whole layout of the whole thing was a little off. Not sure why I did it that way. Will stick to regular conventions from now on, though I’m glad it was still easy to follow and you thought it was interesting.


----------



## Detention Veteran (May 22, 2009)

Thank you, judges, thank you!


----------



## Amber Leaf (May 22, 2009)

Thanks to all the judges.

Sorry that not many people understand. I think that the best review I got was the from my doctor who pretty much bore the brunt of the storey.

I'll try to make more sense in future.


----------



## Tom (May 22, 2009)

Thanks for the oppurtunity, and for the judges for their reviews.

Obviously I need to keep a connection with the theme, as well as sorting out my speech. Recently I have really sucked at it. I need to get my head together.

Congratulations to the winners.

Tom.


----------

