# Standing Still (EDIT)



## Gumby (Sep 18, 2012)

Alone on our porch, I watch the dawn stretch, 
pull back her misty bedding and arise–

I’m unsure of her greeting 
and whether I am meeting friend or foe.
But having paid your price, I feel 
I have earned the right to stasis.

For ten long years you have marched
with blowing horn, beating
a worn-out drum– and still
these walls stand between us.

It seems you are _not_ Joshua– 
and it will take much more 
than a day
to slay my Amorites.


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## Terry D (Sep 18, 2012)

"I have earned the right to stasis"

That line captures the bleakness of the poem.  Ten years wrapped up in fourteen lines.  Sad.


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## dannyboy (Sep 18, 2012)

excellent work Gumby and I agree with Terry D about that single line quoted. Perfect lines resonate. This is still resonating in me, bringing back the time we lost our darkling son. Great lines do that.


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## Gumby (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you, Terry.  This poem was written in the spirit of our Anniversary Challenge and yes, it is bleak. Seems that emotion touches all our lives.

Danny, thank you for your kind words. Just the thought of losing a child is unbearable, I'm sorry to have revisited that bleakness on you, but I am glad you commented here.


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## Namba (Sep 18, 2012)

I like it. Very well written and makes me feel as ticked off as the writer when I read it. Great job.


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## Aramis (Sep 20, 2012)

The title is clever with its allusions to the walls of Jericho still standing.

You excellently convey the sorrow of the stagnant relationship but the optimism/positivity is still there below the surface. Your character is also still standing.

The third stanza was stand out although the first was a little cliched.

Thanks for the read.


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## Glass Pencil (Sep 20, 2012)

I'm trying to piece this poem together. 

I think its very well written and I enjoyed reading it. I read it about 3 times in rapid succession trying to figure out the subject. I even had to undergo a little history lesson to understand the biblical references, so thank you for motivating me towards self education!

If I had to throw it all together into a very short summation, I'd say this is a poem about frustration with a long time partner. That's my interpretation at least ha ha.


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## Gumby (Sep 20, 2012)

Thank you, Namba, glad you enjoyed.

Aramis, thank you for the read and comments, they are very much appreciated. 

Glass Pencil, I'm glad you were intrigued enough to do a little research. That's a wonderful thing about poetry, you can pick up something from each poem and I'm always interested to see how different people interpret the meaning.   Thank you.


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## Cran (Sep 20, 2012)

My first thought was _why isn't this in the challenge? _
Then I remembered the rule ... 

I thought it was well done - I like it.


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## Gumby (Sep 21, 2012)

Thank you Cran. It's a good rule, I think. 

I've done an edit on the first stanza:


*Standing Still*
  [FONT=&Verdana]
Alone on our porch, I watch the dawn stretch[/FONT]
  her bright hand across the sky–

  I’m unsure of her greeting 
  and whether I am meeting friend or foe.
  But having paid your price, I feel 
  I have earned the right to stasis.

  For ten long years you have marched
  with blowing horn, beating
  a worn-out drum– and still
  these walls stand between us.

  It seems you are _not_ Joshua– 
  and it will take much more 
  than a day
  to slay my Amorites.


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## Soft Rains (Sep 21, 2012)

Of course you are entitled to edit YOUR poem as you so choose....but.....I really liked the original "pull back her misty bedding and arise". Created a good feeling for me. But that's just me!


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## Gumby (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks, Soft Rains.  I liked it too, but always had a sneaking feeling that it might be a little too dramatic.
Sometimes it's hard to be objective about your own work, yes?


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## Cran (Sep 22, 2012)

preferred the original - don't wimp out on "too dramatic".


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## Gumby (Sep 22, 2012)

Excellent advice, as always Cran.  I won't even defend it, I prefer the original so that's where I'm leaving it.

Thank you!


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## Aramis (Sep 22, 2012)

I agree you should stick with the original (despite my original comments).

This really is GOOD.


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## Gumby (Sep 22, 2012)

Thank you, Aramis. I had originally intended the first stanza to link to the last, as a nod to Joshua 10, where he told the sun to stand still in the sky and not go down for 'about a day' while they slew the Amorites, and of course, you already pointed out the walls of Jericho reference and the 'standing still' alluding to the walls and the character, both. 

Thanks to all who commented and 'Liked' this one.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Sep 23, 2012)

Last stanza blew me away. That was the knock-out punch right there. Very well-written, Gumby, as always. :thumbl:


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## Olly Buckle (Sep 23, 2012)

I also preffered the original, it seemed more original in more ways than one, though I would have gone with 'rise' and its echo of 'sun rise' rather than 'arise.

The other place I might have changed,

"I’m unsure of her greeting 
and whether I am meeting friend or foe"
to
I’m unsure of her greeting 
Am I meeting friend or foe?

I like quick internal rhymes, and the question seems to emphasise the unsureness.


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## Gumby (Sep 23, 2012)

I like your suggestions, Olly. After I gain a little distance from this one, I'll revisit them.  Thank you for reading and commenting, I always enjoy your view of a poem.


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## Vitaly Ana (Sep 24, 2012)

I like the tempo: This poem marches and slithers fantastically!


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## Gumby (Sep 24, 2012)

Fuhrer, I'm so sorry I missed your comments! Please forgive me.  Thank you so much for your kind words, they put a smile on my face. 

Vitaly Ana, I like that description, marches and slithers.  Thank you!


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## alanmt (Sep 24, 2012)

It makes me sad. He tries and tries; wherein lies the fault for his failure? Is not the persistence of value?  

Hmmmmm. Maybe I am projecting.

In any event, quite fantastic.

The literalist in me thought that it was not the end of the world that you rise early and he sleeps in.


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## Gumby (Sep 26, 2012)

Hey alan, thank you for the read. And hey, I'm an early riser and love the solitude it gives me, so not the end of the world.  

As for projecting, I think that we all do that when we read a poem.

I guess that the value of his persistence would depend on what exactly the walls are that stand between them and why he thinks he has to make them fall, not to mention the methods used to make them fall. Often in assaulting your differences, you only make those walls higher and stronger. I think that how you feel about the walls is determined by what side of them you are on. The one inside the walls may view them as protection, while the assailant sees them as an obstacle that stands between them and what they want.


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## Chesters Daughter (Oct 10, 2012)

I think you know full well why I've avoided this one, Cin, and I'm sorry my reluctance to look in the mirror delayed this reply. That said, this, a billion times this:



Terry D said:


> "I have earned the right to stasis"
> 
> That line captures the bleakness of the poem.  Ten years wrapped up in fourteen lines.  Sad.



Unbelievably sad in its hopelessness, and perfectly penned, as always. One day, when I grow up, perhaps the Baroness of Brevity will favor me with some lessons. lol. Ah, you and I both know even a crop wouldn't quiet my rambling. Thank you, Sis, you captured "it" brilliantly. Now kindly run and hide, I'm coming to beat you senseless for trying to swap out "pull back her misty bedding and arise–", its originality is striking in its beauty. On many a bleak day, your poetry inspires me to keep breathing because the words you write, I can't, but at least I know I'm not alone. 

Infinite hugs,
Me


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 10, 2012)

> I think that how you feel about the walls is determined by what side of them you are on. The one inside the walls may view them as protection, while the assailant sees them as an obstacle that stands between them and what they want.


 More on the way the individual has of looking at the world than their physical position, I think it was Musashi said that when the mob surrounded a burglar in a house they saw him as a desperate man in a stronghold, whereas he saw himself as weak as an animal in a trap.


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## Fats Velvet (Oct 11, 2012)

Beautifully written Gumby.  I have a couple issues.  One is that the transition from "dawn" to "you" is abrupt, and not very smooth.

I’m unsure of her greeting 
and whether I am meeting friend or foe. *So far, so good.  There is potential in the day, and the narrators ambivalence **is understandable.*
But having paid your price, I feel   Here, things become a bit muddled.  Is it the dawn exacting a price?  If so, the idea is novel. *I**s the "you" you introduce distinct from the dawn, or is it a personification?* *If this is the case, the characterization falls apart as the poem goes on.* 
I have earned the right to stasis.

*For ten long years you have marched  The ambiguity I have already pointed out builds on itself
  with blowing horn, beating
  a worn-out drum– and still
  these walls stand between us.*

*It seems you are not Joshua– 
  and it will take much more 
  than a day
  to slay my Amorites.* *until it seems **the poem has moved far beyond the dawn.

*I find:

I have earned the right to stasis.

bothersome.  It is literally and thematically consistent with the first two stanzas, but "stasis" strikes me as too clinical.  "Stasis" means changelessness, or a frozen state, yet the narrator actually seems prepared to _seek _a change by the end of the poem ("it will take more than a day to slay...").  I think a word invoking balance, respite, or a temporary resolution (treaty/ceasefire?) would better serve the poem as a whole. 

Good read.


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## Gumby (Oct 12, 2012)

Lisa, thank you so much for commenting and no worries, sis, I completely understand. Thank you for your kind words and support, they mean a lot to me.

Olly, completely agreed.  Good points.

Fats, thank you for your comments and observations, I truly respect your poetry and insight, so they are going into the file with Olly's suggestions, to be revisited when the time is right. Unfortunately, I am one who has to gain a bit of distance before I can revisit.  

I will try to clear up a bit of your questions, if I can. 

As to the 'you' and who it is; it is meant to the the other half of the 'our' stated in line one, the person to whom the character is speaking.  The whole dawn characterization was only meant to emphasize the question as to whether the day is going to prove to be friend or foe, and underline the unsureness the character is feeling. 

Thank you, again.


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## shedpog329 (Oct 12, 2012)

Like if tommorow is worth the wait, right? Or I guess if the day will bring good things? Ya?


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## Gumby (Oct 12, 2012)

Hey Scott, yes that is pretty much the idea. Thank you for the read.


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## Fats Velvet (Oct 16, 2012)

Gumby said:


> Fats, thank you for your comments and observations, I truly respect your poetry and insight, so they are going into the file with Olly's suggestions, to be revisited when the time is right. Unfortunately, I am one who has to gain a bit of distance before I can revisit.
> 
> I will try to clear up a bit of your questions, if I can.
> 
> ...



My original comment was in retrospect a poor reflection on the poem.  There is no ambiguity about that stanza's place in the poem.  I look forward to seeing what, if anything, you do with "stasis".

Cheers.


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## Gumby (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you, Fats.


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## Zico Cozier (Dec 1, 2012)

Ok I'm going to state what impression I got from the poem as my critique and I'm curious to hear from you whether I interpreted it the way you intended or not.

I feel as though it's someone whose suffered a great loss but is still tormented by the memories they shared with that individual. Is that individual dead or or are they someone the protagonist cast out of their life and who has recently tried to recontact them invoking the proclamation of a right to "stasis". At the end when you say "you are not Joshua" I think of the protagonist is trying to expunge her demons in the sense that she either wats to be rid of the memories and the pain that accompanies it once and for all or if the person is trying to get back in her life, she is convincing herself that they are no longer the person she had once cared for so deeply. So on a limb here.. I'll conclude the theme to be something like "loss and recovery"


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## Gumby (Dec 3, 2012)

Thank you for the read, ZC. Loss and recovery are both spot on here, even if the details aren't an exact match, which is a great thing about poetry. We immediately fill in the blanks with our own personal perspective and give it a meaning.


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