# Crash



## Bard_Daniel (Mar 11, 2017)

This is an old piece. I removed about half the original content and tried to get at its bare bones. Hopefully, it works.

==​
two cars collide
down the crowded street
life-threatening injuries
wheeled on gurneys
towards crimson surgery rooms
as surgeons slip on nitrates

the grim reaper intends
to devour their hearts
that seem so fragile
as if manipulated by strings
within time’s eternal playbook
that sings the fate of mankind

the victims wait in white noise
for their passport stamps
of either life or death
wondering if it will save
or doom their souls.


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## Firemajic (Mar 12, 2017)

danielstj said:


> This is an old piece. I removed about half the original content and tried to get at its bare bones. Hopefully, it works.
> 
> ==​
> two cars collide
> ...




Daniel......... This poem is like drinking a warm beer.... hahaaa... I prefer champagne or chilled wine.. 
do me a favor, score your poem for me...
Message 1- 10... what score would you give your message?
Mood 1- 10... score?
Imagery 1- 10... score?

Now, tell me your favorite line in this poem...


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## Bard_Daniel (Mar 12, 2017)

Message: 5/10
Mood: 5/10
Imagery: 6/10

I like the line *within time’s eternal playbook*.

I'm trying to write poetry but it seems that I just keep missing the boat. I'm a little a loss of what to do.


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## Firemajic (Mar 12, 2017)

danielstj said:


> This is an old piece. I removed about half the original content and tried to get at its bare bones. Hopefully, it works.
> 
> ==​
> two cars collide*** Here, you are telling, not showing and you missed a great opportunity to add imagery..
> ...




Daniel, you have the bones of your message, but you are writing about life and death, not a boring party... this is a terrible scenario ... horrific.. my mother died in a car crash... a wreck is a violent event... 
This poem lacks emotion, therefore, it lacks impact... it lacks strong imagery, therefore it lacks impact...
I think you scored your poem a little high...
Message... 4
Mood... 2
imagery... 1


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## Bard_Daniel (Mar 12, 2017)

I think I'm going to take a little break from writing poetry and try to go back to basics when I return. To look into some books on how to write poetry might be a step in the right direction.


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## Firemajic (Mar 12, 2017)

danielstj said:


> I think I'm going to take a little break from writing poetry and try to go back to basics when I return.To look into some books on how to write poetry might be a step in the right direction.




Daniel, my comments were meant to inspire you, to push you out of your comfort zone.. if I caused you to doubt your ability and caused you to lose confidence in yourself, please.. please forgive me, that was not my intent... read poetry... when a poem speaks to you, ask yourself why... examine the style and language... but most of all, when you write, Daniel... FEEL what you are writing... poetry is emotion. Period. Emotion... emotion that your reader can FEEL and relate to... FEEL the words...


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## Bard_Daniel (Mar 12, 2017)

Thank you for your comments Julia. Maybe I'll try a half-half approach. Read some books on writing poetry while trying to do the same.

As for poems to read, or poetry writing books, do you have any suggestions? Maybe I'm not getting the right material to allow me to write better. Currently working on Robert Burns and it is getting easier than it was starting it. Also, should I read literary criticism on poetry? Will that help?

Sorry for all the questions but I'm not an expert. Thank you again. : D


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## Firemajic (Mar 12, 2017)

Google... Google and read all kinds of poetry and see what style inspires and excites you..


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## Bard_Daniel (Mar 12, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Google... Google and read all kinds of poetry and see what style inspires and excites you..



Will do.


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