# My first REAL work.



## AgentZero (Jan 12, 2013)

So this will be a horror/zombie novel. It's my first real thing that I want to get published. I will only be posting the first chapter, and it is as followed.

*                                                                                                   CHAPTER 1 

*"March 18th 2012. 
There's  no hope left. Everybody's probably dead now, There appears to be no  rescue, or evacuation chopper. It's all... It's all gone now. My life is  being held together with a piece of string. But we've come this far,  Matt and I. We made it because were strong. 'Cause we got a lot of fight  left in us. I've decided to too start a journal during this outbreak.  If this thing ever get's under control, I know someone will appreciate  it. Maybe they'll turn it in to a book! Who knows. But anyway, hopefully  it'll at least do me some good.
Jeff Beningham."

 A man  around his mid 30's closes his journal. "That's it for now." He says  with a smile. There is another man sitting on the other side of the camp  fire. From what they can see, they're surrounded by tree's, there in a  small clearing, there are little patches of melting snow on the ground  here and there, it's foggy out. probably due to the melting snow. All of  a sudden they hear a woman scream from somewhere in the woods. The two  men look around but see nothing. They then hear a gun shot, another  scream, and then a girl now come's into sight. There are two zombie's  behind her She kills them with a pistol. She runs a bit more, and then  see's the two guy's standing there. She aims her gun.
"Wait! Don't shoot!" Mark yells.
"Who are you?!" Asks the woman with her gun still raised.
"Who are you?!" Asks Jeff.
"Do I have permission too step forward?!" Asks the woman.
"Are you bit?!" Asks Jeff
"No!"
"Come on!"
The woman steps froward. Out of nowhere Jeff pulls out a knife. When he does, the woman pulls out her gun again.
"Where did you come from? How did you get here? And are you bit?" Jeff asks.
"No I'm not bit! I told you that! Now get that knife out of my face!" The woman replies.
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?" Jeff asks again.
"Get that knife out of my face, and this might go a little bit better!"
"Answer the question!"
"I Was just walking!"
"Ten miles into the forest?!"
"I'm about ready to pull this trigger! Get that knife out of my face!"
He lowers the knife, and she lowers the gun.
"Look, I've been on the move from those things for days now. I decided to head for the forest just yesterday." She say.
"You're not bitten?"
"No. Swear to God."
"You want some water?" Jeff says with a sigh.
"No thanks. I got some. What I want, is some answers. Do you know how this outbreak started?"
"I've got a pretty good idea. I'm gonna go get some food. I'll be right back."
Jeff walks away from her, and approaches the fire. He grabs a bowl of beans from a pan.
"Who is this girl? Can we trust her?" Matt asks.
"I don't know. Keep your eye on her. I'm gonna go talk to her. Keep your hand on your knife just in case."
He calls for her to come sit by the fire.
"You up for a story?" Jeff asks.
"Yes. I am" She replies.
"It all started about three months ago, January 8th to be exact. When I  woke up that morning there was snow everywhere. There must have been a  blizzard the night before. It was Sunday, so I had no plan's to go  anywhere. I planned on slumbering through the house all day with a bible  in my hand. No TV. Just reading. Although I was only able to start  reading for about 10 minutes when I got a phone call. It was a scientist  and good friend Zachary Philip. About three days ago, he gave me  different call. He told me that he was working on a new drug that could  shut the body down without killing. 'How advanced!' I thought. You see  Zack was a biomedical chemist, he studied medicine. He told me that it  was being devolved for war purposes. I asked for more information, Since  I am a scientist my self and was curious, he told me that that was all  he could tell me for now. But now I get another phone call from him? Was  he successful? I was dying to find out. I answered the phone and said  hello. There was a lot of noise in the back round so he was speaking  rather loud. He told me that the test subject went crazy over the drug,  and to get out of town immediately. He hung up, and I had no chance to  speak. I called him back, but he didn't answer. Now, I'm not for  certain, But I do believe he's responsible for it. Not on purpose of  course.
"How did you get out?" The woman asked.
"Well, it was late  afternoon when I noticed something wasn't right. Someone pounded  on my  door, I answered it and this guy grabbed me! I pushed him off and shut  and locked the door behind him. I asked who was there but he didn't  answer. I went to the back door, where there was another road, I opened  it, but instead of a clear way, there were people all over the streets  without a care in the world. I saw someone in a semi run over a man  without hesitation. And then the 20, 30 people that were in front of my  house, started chasing it!. I had no idea what was going on. Then, from  behind one of my bushes, there was another person, but he was different,  his skin wasn't pale, and he spoke to me. He asked me if I was one of  them. I didn't answer him, and he started to walk away. I figured he was  hiding there waiting for the other people to leave. I have no idea why  though. I told him to wait, he glanced back at me and asked if I was one  of them. I asked him what 'those' were. Then he asked if my house was  safe. I told him 'Of course. why wouldn't it be?' He asked if he could  come in, I said as long as someone tells me what's going on, your  welcome to come in. So he stepped in and we sat at my kitchen table. He  said 'Look, when you get bit by one of those thing, you become one.' And  then I said. 'You mean like a zombie?' He told me 'Yeah. A zombie.' I  thought he was crazy, but then we got out and walked. I saw horrific  thing's I'd rather not talk about. He convinced me to hop in his truck  with him. He took me to the woods, gave me the low-down on exactly how  bad things were, and we've been here ever since.
"No zombies?" The woman asked.
"Not until you showed up. And there's probably more on there way now since you fired that gun." Jeff says.
The woman jumps up.
"Are you blaming something on me?!" She asks.
"Relax. We were planning on leaving in a couple day's anyway." Jeff tells her.
She sits back down and asks.
"Can, Can I come with you?"
"What?" Jeff asks in a amazement
"I've  been on the road. Walking. For three months now. I'm tired. Please? I'm  sorry if I come off as 'mean' It's due to my military training. I'm a  bit stubborn."
"I don't know if we can trust you. 
"I can pull my weight, I can help out. Please!
"Tell you what, you stay the night, and we'll see in the morning. By the way, what's your name?"
"Kathy."
"Well, nice too meet you Kathy."

"March 19th 2012.
I  say the 19th because according to my watch, it's 12:03.  I'm able to  write with just the light of my fire. Matt and I are taking turns  staying up. I took first watch. Kathy seems all right, but at this time,  I still can't trust her. We have to make sure none of those things  heard the gun shots. Not to mention, that there's a chance that there  were more zombies with the one's she killed. What an idiot using a gun!  Doesn't she know better? Any way what's done is done. Were leaving the  forest tomorrow. We ditched the beat up pick up that we started with. We  have some off road vehicles right now, and about a mile down is a nice  2010 Chevrolet. Don't know exactly what model it is, but it's got nearly  a full tank, a full gas can in the back, and four spare tires. I think  were set. I'm gonna talk to Matt tomorrow about finding an island to  settle into. I hope he takes it into consideration.
Jeff Beningham."


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## popsprocket (Jan 12, 2013)

I really am sorry to come out swinging... but this is absolutely riddled with errors. I wouldn't normally do this, but I feel there isn't a better way to do this. So:



> Machine guns can be heard in the distance from a small camp in a forest *[Are we hearing the machine guns coming FROM the camp? Or are they coming from a distance AWAY from the camp? Vague and clumsy wording makes it unclear]*. Judging by the little *patches of *snow melting on the ground and *trees*, it's probably early *M*arch in the mid west. There are two men on this camp ground. One of the men *is *wearing a solid black bandana that covers his hair* [no comma]* and he has a beard. As for main clothing, he wears a dirty brown jacket, dirty blue jeans, and black combat boots. The other has long hair that comes to *his* shoulders, a *clean* shave, a leather coat, sweat pants, black boots, and black gloves *[All of this description is extremely clumsy and it's not particularly necessary either. The way you present it comes across as extremely contrived]*. All of a sudden they hear a woman yell. The man with the bandana says, "Mark, did you hear that?" Mark looks around and points off to the distance*,* "Look! Over there! I can see movement in the grass." "All right*,* get down *[incorrect use of semicolon, no punctuation required]* and aim." All of a sudden a girl comes running into view. She has red, messy hair, a ripped up long white sleeve shirt, sneakers, and some khaki colored *pants* on *[By putting in this description of her you absolutely ruin any sense of immediacy that you might have built up by having a screaming woman come sprinting into the scene. If this is a zombie/horror novel then you need to build tension and make the reader understand how terrified these characters are]*. When the woman *sees* the two men she says with a scared voice*,* "Please*,* don't shoot! *They're* behind me!" "Get down!" Mark says. The woman dodges out of the way *[no comma]* and the two men open fire. They kill *the *three zombies that were chasing *[no 'behind']* her. "Thank you so much. You saved my life." The woman says. "It*'*s no trouble. You must be freezing." Mark says. Mark takes off his coat and gives it too her. "Thank you so much." The woman says as she goes to sit by the fire. The man with the bandana speaks. "My names Jeff, this is Mark." "I'm Kathy." The woman replies. "*You're *not bitten*,* are you?" Jeff asks.
> "No. They got a hold of my shirt but that was it."
> "Are you sure?"
> "Positive. Do you know how this all started? It's been three months, and I can't find a thing *[Very vague. Perhaps 'I can't find any answers at all' would provide clarity]*."
> ...



There are more errors than those I have pointed out, but after this point it starts to get into the territory of rewriting sentences and that's horrible form for a critique. Most of the stuff that I let slide is technically not incorrect, but would benefit greatly from restructuring and rewriting.

As a general comment I'd say you're wasting the fact that this is being told in present tense. People often remark that present tense can give a sense of immediacy (something I disagree with, but that's not the point) but you don't work to build any tension and then resolve this short scene in an implausible manner. Would anyone be that trusting in a zombie apocalypse? Random woman is being chased so you ask her if she's infected once then give up clothing and food to her? Would _she _be that trusting of two random men?

The opening is fairly poor. There's an inconsistency with starting by telling us that machine guns are firing, but the machine guns don't fire until later. Am I wrong? If there were machine guns firing somewhere else in the first place, then these two guys would probably be far more alert than they seemed to be. You need to revisit this opening and use it to establish some tension. All we've got at the moment is some unnecessary description of two guys standing in a small camp site. No tension at all. Taking this as an opening for the whole book I would absolutely gripe about the fact that you presented the 'how it began' story like this. Ignoring the fact that it's a huge wall of text and the man tells it like he's got all the time in the world, this is really not the place to establish what happened like that. A random woman has shown up being trailed by zombies who they've shot. They admit this will probably bring more down on their heads, so they decide to sit around the fire and have a chat? It ruins the internal logic of what is happening.

Stylistically you swapped your presentation of speech midway through AND then you switch back and forward after that. It should be more congruent than that. Typically you would present all speech in the manner that you did after the opening passages (a new line whenever someone different speaks).

The biggest thing to remark on here is the ol' faithful advice of 'show, don't tell'. Everything here is telling. 'This happens, then this happens, then this happens.' It makes for an uninteresting read, really. You need to vary your language and come up with some more imaginative ways to describe things or you risk making your reader cringe and pitch the book across the room. There's no easy way to tell you how to fix this particular problem. It just comes with some writing experience.


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## AgentZero (Jan 12, 2013)

Firs of all, thanks for your input. I myself, was debating on, if some one would be that trusting in an outbreak, but it seemed right at the time, considering I didn't want two guys to say "All right, take you're clothes off, we have to make sure that your not a zombie." So I think I will go back and do that. As for you're question considering the machine guns, the machine guns are suppose to be heard from the distance from the camp. Not in the camp. I'll go back and revise now. Again, thanks for your input.


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## marrow (Jan 12, 2013)

i think you have a good story
 keep writing my friend


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## popsprocket (Jan 12, 2013)

AgentZero said:


> Firs of all, thanks for your input. I myself, was debating on, if some one would be that trusting in an outbreak, but it seemed right at the time, considering I didn't want two guys to say "All right, take you're clothes off, we have to make sure that your not a zombie." So I think I will go back and do that. As for you're question considering the machine guns, the machine guns are suppose to be heard from the distance from the camp. Not in the camp. I'll go back and revise now. Again, thanks for your input.



I don't think they need to physically check her, but at least put her at gunpoint. For all they know she could be a trap by some other group of people who want their supplies.

... yeah, I've seen a lot of zombie movies...


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## AgentZero (Jan 12, 2013)

popsprocket said:


> I don't think they need to physically check her, but at least put her at gunpoint. For all they know she could be a trap by some other group of people who want their supplies.
> 
> ... yeah, I've seen a lot of zombie movies...



This is what I was thinking. Or maybe switch Mark, so that it's a girl, and have her check her. And also, you said that a description of what they look like is not necessary. Why?


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## popsprocket (Jan 12, 2013)

Because even though you have might have a clear picture of what the characters look like, it's inevitable that the reader will interpret them differently. You could describe them down to the smallest details and two people would still have two different ideas of what they look like. So we don't need to know most of what you included in your description - what they're wearing is pretty unimportant. It's enough to say that they're clothes are well-worn and unwashed to get a sense of how they're dressed. As for the girl's description, well her hair colour is about the only important thing. She might be a 'pretty red head' and that's all most readers would need to form an image of her. Mostly I just wouldn't include her description where you did. If there's zombies running toward me I shoot first and then think about what the girl looks like.


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## AgentZero (Jan 12, 2013)

Gotcha. I'm revising it now, I'll edit the first post and let you know when I do. I really do want to publish it. (And another thing, you told me that there should be no semi-colon at that one part, I don't remember where. But I did that, cause I wanted him too make a pause.)


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## popsprocket (Jan 12, 2013)

A semicolon is only used to join two individual clauses into a single sentence but with some implied relationship between them.

For instance:



> John had large hands. He found playing the guitar difficult.



Could become:



> John had large hands; he found playing the guitar difficult.



Both of those are perfectly acceptable. In general a semicolon implies only a short pause - perhaps longer than a comma in some instances - but their uses are very different.

If you want him to pause then you can simply use a comma. In places where they aren't required they are simply used to break up speech into the desired patterns.

It's comical, but this is actually very accurate on how to use a semicolon: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon


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## Ariel (Jan 13, 2013)

This reads flat.  I hate to admit it but I couldn't get through the "how it started" story. I also find it fairly implausible that Mark automatically knows _exactly_ what happened.

You also keep mixing up there/they're/their and your/you're. 

To set it up straight for you:

There=a place, as in, "over there."
They're=a contraction of "they are."
Their=possessive.  It means that a group of other people than yourself and those with you possess something.

Your=possessive.  Something belongs to whoever "you" happens to be.
You're=a contraction meaning "you are."


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## AgentZero (Jan 13, 2013)

Edited! Lemme know if it's any better.


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## Ariel (Jan 13, 2013)

Turns out I did get through the "how it happened" story--I just couldn't tell because of the lack of formatting and the very strange "out of nowhere" Matt.  He really does come out of nowhere--literally.

I think that some interjections into Jeff's story by the woman or by Matt would make it read easier.  Maybe Matt tells how he met Jeff?  I don't know.  It just doesn't read smoothly to me.


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## Raptor980 (Jan 13, 2013)

I like this, but I totally got lost in the dialogue. I couldn't tell who was who.


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## AgentZero (Jan 13, 2013)

@Amsawtall
The "How it happened" Story is the only thing I DIDN'T edit out of the entire thing. (Except what popsrocket pointed out.) I think I'll go and completely re-do that bit, and edit the first post again.

@Raptor980
I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.


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## Silen (Jan 13, 2013)

I'm sensing a walking dead kind of vibe. As much as we all love the stereotypical zombie type you might wanna try and mix it up a bit. 
I wont judge any of your grammatical errors, though even i can see many. Because i am not great at that either. 

I love zombies. But avoid writing the next episode of Walking dead or a rewrite of Dawn of the dead. 
Take the idea, twist it, mold it into something completely yours, while keeping the core fear that makes zombies so damn scary.


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## AgentZero (Jan 13, 2013)

Silen said:


> I'm sensing a walking dead kind of vibe. As much as we all love the stereotypical zombie type you might wanna try and mix it up a bit.
> I wont judge any of your grammatical errors, though even i can see many. Because i am not great at that either.
> 
> I love zombies. But avoid writing the next episode of Walking dead or a rewrite of Dawn of the dead.
> Take the idea, twist it, mold it into something completely yours, while keeping the core fear that makes zombies so damn scary.



I had no idea that it was looking like the walking dead. I'll try to mix it up in the later chapter since I had no idea I did in this one, and for the record, I haven't seen dawn of the dead since I was 6, so if it looks like it then it was 97% sub-conscious.


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## Silen (Jan 13, 2013)

Its fine, just the gun-shots attracting zombies etc stood out to me, as i am a walking dead fan.


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## popsprocket (Jan 13, 2013)

> I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.



That only applies if it's obvious WHO is speaking. You can get away with not noting the speaker if it's three or four lines, but by the time you have potentially three people participating in a long conversation it gets difficult to tell who is speaking.


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## Raptor980 (Jan 13, 2013)

AgentZero said:


> @Raptor980
> I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.


You don't have to, but in cases like these where there's three people present I don't know who's saying what sometimes.


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## AgentZero (Jan 13, 2013)

Silen said:


> Its fine, just the gun-shots attracting zombies etc stood out to me, as i am a walking dead fan.



Yes, but that has applied for longer than just the walking dead. The walking dead just took it a little bit more extremely.

Also got done with another revision. I edited the first post. Let me know what you think.


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## MBNewman (Jan 14, 2013)

I would say work on building up a good atmosphere. Tension would be key in a book about surviving post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland, and I agree that people would no be so welcoming of strangers. And I noticed a rather the group had kinda lowered their guard, yet they were killing zombies with loud guns just moments before. Loud noises only draw the horde  Other than that, it's a good start off for any wild adventure. Good luck in your writing!


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## rotsuchi1 (Jan 23, 2013)

^^ this is really really good i love zombies. keep writing :thumbr:


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## Tipseas (Jan 23, 2013)

AgentZero said:


> @Amsawtall
> The "How it happened" Story is the only thing I DIDN'T edit out of the entire thing. (Except what popsrocket pointed out.) I think I'll go and completely re-do that bit, and edit the first post again.
> 
> @Raptor980
> I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.



Generally, if two people are talking, then you don't have to use the dialog tags as much; however, you should use them when there are 3 or more people. Also, when you have line upon line of just dialog, it is best to split it up after about 5 lines, with action. Include more action in the dialog, as well, showing what the person is doing and giving away more emotions. You can also try having the person's name spoken by another character, in their dialog. 

Example of different ways to have dialog, all in one go:

"Jane! Please come here,"  asked Peter.
"I'll be there in just a second!"
"No, get over here, now!"
"Peter, hold your horses, give me a second," yelled Jane, as she busily packed her book bag and stood up from her desk. 
Peter stomped his foot and frowned, "You are the slowest person I know," he said in anger.
"You're just impatient and have no manners! Oh look, here comes Tom," she said, pushing Peter out of her way.
"You who, hey Tom! Over here!"
Tom waved at Jane and walked over to speak to her. 
"How's it going guys, I see Pete looks upset as always."
Jane laughed and punched Pete playfully in the arm, "Eh, don't mind sourpuss here."
"I am NOT a sourpuss, I'll have you know we are going to be late for lunch!"
"Chill man, lunch will be there when you want it."
"Yeah, like Tom said, lunch will be there. Chill out!"


Could you tell who was talking? I had 2 people talking and then made it 3. 

Happy Writing!


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## CharlieParker82 (Jan 25, 2013)

I found this a little simple. If this is the opening of a novel don't just come out and call them zombies from the off. 

_"There are two zombie's behind her She kills them with a pistol. She runs a bit more, and then see's the two guy's standing there. She aims her gun." _

I know we know they're zombies but be a bit more descriptive. Ignore the fact we have all seen zombie movies, present the story to us as your own. 

The dialogue is unrealistic. It sounds a little bit like kids roleplaying, as if the danger is only imaginary.  

_"I've been on the road. Walking. For three months now. I'm tired. Please? I'm sorry if I come off as 'mean' It's due to my military training. I'm a bit stubborn."
_
Your character doesn't have to explain everything she does. Ok she is military and this is the reason she's survived for three months in the woods making silly mistake like drawing attention to herself, but keep that till later, hold it back keep the reader asking questions, reveal slowly. 

That she happens to stumble upon a scientist that was on the phone to the guy that started it all also seems contrived. It would be better to keep the truth of how the zombies occurred a mystery till much later so that you have the reader reading on to find out. 

Just some ideas.


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## rave (Jan 29, 2013)

the conversation is dull doing little to flush out your characters, and i cant decide if your character is recounting events into his journal or if its set with days as chapters? confusing


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## Woodroam (Jan 29, 2013)

Hi Agent Zero,

You've had some very good suggestions for improvement above so I'll just suggest that you start with "Wait! Don't shoot!" Mark yells.

You don't have to explain the scene first. What you want to do is grab the reader and make them want to find out the details -- so they read on in curiosity.

The really long dialogues have to be broken into smaller bits. If a character has a long winded speech, have him pause, make a facial expression, sit, stand, scratch, whatever, breaking up the speech.

You have a developing story here. Keep working on it.

Best regards, Woodroam


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## Fressno (Mar 20, 2013)

Hey!
I started to read it and got very interested in the story.
The writing is something to work on, the happenings and the tempo. But that can always be edited =)
If you want help, ill gladly be interested in helping you out at ideas, giving critique so it looks and feels alive.
please feel free to contact me.


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## AgentZero (Mar 20, 2013)

Fressno said:


> Hey!
> I started to read it and got very interested in the story.
> The writing is something to work on, the happenings and the tempo. But that can always be edited =)
> If you want help, ill gladly be interested in helping you out at ideas, giving critique so it looks and feels alive.
> please feel free to contact me.


Hey man! Thanks for your input. I currently all ready have a critique and an editor helping me out, so I don't need a third one. That is also an older draft. I'm waiting on my good friend Taylor to do some editing on it and I'll send it your way. Send me an Email at UmbrellaOwned@hotmail.com
I hope to talk to you soon.


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## ZayneJ (Apr 13, 2013)

Starting off with such a brash sense of hopelessness does little to encourage the reader to move on, but it does establish a mood, and as I made my way farther in, I found myself getting in to the idea a little bit more.


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## AgentZero (Apr 14, 2013)

ZayneJ said:


> Starting off with such a brash sense of hopelessness does little to encourage the reader to move on, but it does establish a mood, and as I made my way farther in, I found myself getting in to the idea a little bit more.



There will be times of hopelessness. It's a zombie Novel, and I really want to bring out what zombies should be. Not strippers, or a millitary with guns a blazin'. There are very few people left alive, zombies are attrcted noise like they should, be when people say that I copy off the walking dead when I do that, that's not the case. It will be significly different from the walking dead, because even though there is drama, there will be zombie killing 10x more that. Just wait till you see the ending.


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## Nevermore (Apr 14, 2013)

Pacing, yes, fix that.

Nao.

Okay, off the bat, your biggest flaw here is the pacing.  From the very beginning, I'm a bit laid off by an initial scene description consisting of "There was snow.  There was cold.  There were two men.", then, woman, zombie, plot.  

Secondly, the dialogue.  It doesn't carry a very natural feel to it.  It seems more like the characters are yelling at the sky rather than having a tense discussion.  Dialogue isn't just be two characters talking, it needs to be two characters interacting.  Secondly, the speaking verbs get repeated too much.  Asks, asks, asks, and asks is probably the worst offender here.  Also, the sudden transition from Jeff being tense that an infected person may have just stumbled straight into his camp, to the genial calmness of a page and a half later doesn't exactly help the flow.  So, biggest suggestions I'd have would be work on the dialogue, and work on your pacing. I'm also not entirely sure of the merit of present tense either.  You might want to read some other works that pull it off near-perfectly, pick up how exactly they do it.  The best sign of top-notch-y first person is for the reader being able to go through the writing, and only think about ten chapters later "Oh, this is in present tense.".  The Chaos Walking Series, or, some other online writing tidbits such as this might help.


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## CCRazorback22 (Aug 8, 2013)

I like the idea so a diary-zombie story, that is rather clever. I think besides all the grammatical errors, another problem is your dialogue. I feel that it can get confusing like when Jeff grabs the beans and talks to Matt. we need to know why he is doing that and how he is doing it. Besides that I really like it and hope to read more of it. 

CCRazorback22


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