# I'm not sorry



## Mackenzie27 (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry that I still can't 
listen to a song without relating seemingly unrelated words 
to our story 
our brief little masterpiece 
Lyrics that snugly trace the delicate curvature of my feelings for you 


I'm not sorry 
I'm not sorry that I cried when we shattered 
when we took our fists and smashed that masterpiece 
its scattered pieces all sparkly and beautiful 
and irreparably broken 

I'm not sorry 
I'm not sorry that I imagined my emotions 
as insubstantial as angel hair streaming  from an open wound 
nerves on fire, never to be stitched back together
Never again to send those delicious impulses to my heart
Letting me know with irrefutable proof that I know how to feel


I wonder if you're sorry 
sorry for that time we kissed
when your lips boldly pushed down the wall I had carefully built
sampling me brick by brick
Effectively crumbling me 
to the ground


I'm especially not sorry 
That somewhere in the midst 
of cursing you and my own 
poisonous self destruction
I found out who I am


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## Victor Anderson (Nov 14, 2014)

I have yet to figure out, after about five minutes, if this nothing more then idiotic "emo" ramblings, or if it has actual reason and purpose... Either way, I do enjoy a mystery.


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## A_Jones (Nov 15, 2014)

Im not sure how this is at all 'emo' ramblings.  I enjoyed the read.  It has a lyrical quality to it.  I like your imagery, your metaphors.  Your poetry is great but I have to admit I am more interested to see what you could do with short fiction.  I do love a good poetic piece of prose.    Continue writing beautiful words!


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 15, 2014)

I have yet to figure out if you're intentionally being a jerk or if it's just a happy accident.
either way I love some good "constructive" criticism.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks for the reply A-jones. It's appreciated! 
I write to sort out my emotions and because I love imagery. 
spoken word is all about the emotional cadence you put behind the words, and it looks different on the page than a typical poem. I'm not "emo". But it's good to know this other person is so sensitive to people who have emotions. Warms my heart


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## Firemajic (Nov 15, 2014)

I absolutely loved this! As A_Jones said, this is beautiful and lyrical, full of poignant emotion skillfully written."When your lips boldly pushed down the walls I had carefully built sampling me brick by brick"--These lines are stunning.Then the last verse--beautiful! There is such honesty here, I could not help but to be touched by the pain . Thank you for posting this, and it is always a pleasure to read your talented work.   Peace always... Julia :sunny:


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## TKent (Nov 15, 2014)

Sakes alive girl. I'm trying to write a romance novel and many thousands of words later, have yet to touch on the feelings of love and heartbreak and finding one's self even a tiny bit as well as you have here. I've read this for pure enjoyment. Now I plan to analyze it word by word, sentence by sentence, roll around in the feelings it evokes and try to find that magic for my own writing. Wow, wow, wow.


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## bazz cargo (Nov 15, 2014)

It feels like you posted your heart onto my screen. Bit yucky but interesting.


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 15, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the great feedback it's appreciated


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## DarlingD (Nov 15, 2014)

I enjoyed reading that. I especially enjoyed the end.


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## John Oberon (Nov 15, 2014)

Yes, I suppose there is a sour romance at the heart of this, but it is pretty poorly expressed and careless, in my opinion. For example, in what way can feelings have a curvature, delicate or otherwise? I think lyrics can snugly trace feelings, but that "delicate curvature" really stinks on ice. "Lyrics that snugly trace my feelings for you." - that's quite lovely, but "curvature" is a quite clinical or scientific sounding word. It puts the picture of a spine in my mind, or perhaps the curvature of the earth. Either way, just destroys that line.

"scattered pieces all sparkly and beautiful and irreparably broken" - You really want to say the pieces are broken? I think you meant to say the masterpiece is broken.

"nerves on fire, never to be stitched back together" - Really? You want to stitch your nerves back together? Think you meant to apply that to the open wound.

I think the wall metaphor is woefully flawed. First it's something you built, then it IS you. That's a transmission that just does not take. And please tell me how anyone "samples" a brick. Do they taste it? Throw it? Hammer it? However a brick is "sampled", it will not be an action that connotes any kind of deep, emotional or physical relationship which you seem to want to convey. Bad metaphor, in my opinion.

I vote for more clarity to your meaning and more mental application to direct the emotion you want to express. I think that would improve it immensely.


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## rcallaci (Nov 15, 2014)

Moody and moving-expressive and lyrical -poetic prose at its best...

my warmest
bob


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 15, 2014)

Listen. Every way you are reading into this piece is so incredibly literal. 
Poetry is not linear. Writing that makes you feel something is not straight. Just like feelings themselves are not straight and perfect. They are curvy and twisty and hard to navigate and a sometimes full of dead ends and mazes that as a person you need to take one step at a time. Hence "curvature"
your second point, I am talking about the masterpiece, the pieces of the masterpiece after it shattered as a whole. It was beautiful to begin with, and just because it shattered and it's not immediately recognizable, it does not mean those individual pieces cannot be vibrant and full of life on their own. Just like a broken heart. Sure it's a wonderful when it's whole, but there's also something inherently beautiful about feeling yourself break and letting those emotions come through, the hurtful ones that might be jagged and sharp but regardless they are you and they have a purpose.
The nerves. No I do not mean the open wound. You can stitch a wound together all you want, and t will heal. I'm not talking about the wound itself, I'm talking about the outcome of it. The nerves, are the things that send the messages to your brain and let you know that you are feeling, that you are in pain. Without nerves, that wound may be there but you wouldn't ever know it because you can't feel he pain.

Now for the wall. it is a metaphor hun. It is a part of me. Each brick is a layer of my soul. Each brick is a part of me that I might not necessarily want to show a person, for fear of rejection. Each brick represents a layer that MUST be penetrated in order to have any chance at real love. Accepting love. How can you be in a real loving relationship if you can't trust the other person to see your demons and not leave? Have you honestly never guarded your heart from someone in fear of them breaking it? If that's the case then you're a lucky person. But for most of us, getting hurt is scary. Being in emotional pain is far worse than anything physical, in my opinion. So we build walls. We protect ourselves and it's only for those special people we trust that we choose to let that come down and fully trust them.

I do REALLY appreciate your feedback because it have me further reason to analyze my own words and confirm that they were right for my intent in the piece. I am sorry that every part didn't resonate for you. I feel sorry, I hope someday you'll find poetry with metaphors that speak to you. Like my words speak to me. This isn't some masterpiece, it's not a wonderful piece of writing, but it's honest and real and everything I wrote, I could envision feeling exactly that.


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## John Oberon (Nov 16, 2014)

I see. Well, I think this forum is not for me. You're a few steps above rcallaci who thinks a list of six words and two phrases is really poignant poetry, but it sounds like you all abide by the same philosophy: like makes right. If the author likes what he writes, then the poem is good. I view a poem like anything else someone constructs. Good construction requires rules either artfully obeyed or skillfully broken. You did neither, blatantly, in the areas I described, and no amount of "honest and real" can mitigate the damage. Will a homeowner acquiesce to the builder if the builder builds a house with no windows or doors just because the builder felt "honest and real" about the work and envisioned a house exactly like that? Or will the homeowner say, "Put in some windows and doors, or I'll get someone who will!"

I guess I hoped you'd at least _aspire_ to create a masterpiece or a wonderful piece of writing. Your poem _does_ have some good emotion, but it's murky and unfocused. I don't think it would take a whole lot to kick this thing up several notches, but I see improvement is not the point of this forum. So...I leave you all to your group massage. Adieu.

I'm off to fiction.


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## Firemajic (Nov 16, 2014)

Improvement is exactly the point of this forum--  and we welcome critiques--but in a constructive, respectful way.I hope you hang around, I would love to read your work.      Peace...Julia:sunny:


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## TKent (Nov 16, 2014)

Agreed!



> Improvement is exactly the point of this forum-- and we welcome critiques--but in a constructive, respectful way.I hope you hang around, I would love to read your work. Peace...Julia:sunny:


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## John Oberon (Nov 16, 2014)

Julie,

And you view my critique as somehow NOT constructive or respectful, I take it? Hmmm...let's look at some of the other "critiques", shall we?

_It feels like you posted your heart onto my screen. Bit yucky but interesting.

__I enjoyed reading that. I especially enjoyed the end.
_
_Moody and moving-expressive and lyrical -poetic prose at its best..._

I assume these are what you would term "constructive and respectful" critiques? I only ask because I don't detect a critique in the lot, constructive and respectful or otherwise. My critique touched only on the really glaring errors in Mackenzie's poem, but I can see in this forum that as far as poetry goes, there is no such thing as an error. There is no such thing as good or bad poetry, there is just poetry, and whatever the author splats on the page is gold because it's born of honest and real emotions.

Well, I am not of that school. I believe there are good and bad ways to write things, and Mackenzie wrote several things in a bad way. That said, I think Mackenzie should disregard my critique and bask in the glow of these other "critiques". Mine is a critique unsuited to this forum.


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## joshybo (Nov 16, 2014)

I enjoyed this piece.  It reads frantically and while some of the expressions and imagery may seem unorthodox, I personally enjoy that style.  It's always refreshing to see poetry written and emotions conveyed in unexpected, experimental ways.  I actually really liked the "curvature" line.  To me, the word "curvature" evoked an image of the curvature of one's body and I actually find that word to sound quite intimate, especially in the context here.

I would only offer two critiques which stood out to me:

The first is that the first two stanzas start with the line, "I'm not sorry," followed directly by that same phrase in the next line.  While first reading this, I didn't immediately notice any problem with it.  The repetition just makes the phrase feel desperate, which I believe is the intention, and there's no problem with that at all.  However, I kind of expected each stanza to carry this same repetition on through to the end.  As this is not something you continued to do with the last two stanzas, it may read more fluidly by simply taking out that first line of each of the first two stanzas.

Secondly, should the second stanza have been separated into two stanzas itself?  Given the length and content of the other stanzas, it seems like there should be a break here:


> I'm not sorry
> I'm not sorry that I cried when we shattered
> when we took our fists and smashed that masterpiece
> its scattered pieces all sparkly and beautiful
> ...



Perhaps you intended both of these things as I know you mentioned that you re-read the piece in response to an earlier comment, but these were the only nits that stuck out to me.  Either way, it was a very interesting, lovely read that I have read through multiple times.  I especially enjoyed the third stanza.  Thank you for sharing.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Nov 16, 2014)

John Oberon said:


> Julie,





John Oberon said:


> And you view my critique as somehow NOT constructive or respectful, I take it? Hmmm...let's look at some of the other "critiques", shall we?
> 
> _It feels like you posted your heart onto my screen. Bit yucky but interesting.
> 
> ...





I don't pretend to be a poet, and I've only written one the entire time I've been here. I always thought poetry was more about feeling as opposed to just a bunch of words, and it is pretty obvious there is great feeling in Mackenzie's piece. I guess you can analyze any poem word for word like we might in the prose forums, but I think that any undue criticism as opposed to a well-meaning critique carries a high risk of an attack on the author's heart.


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## Pluralized (Nov 16, 2014)

John Oberon said:


> Well, I am not of that school. I believe there are good and bad ways to write things, and Mackenzie wrote several things in a bad way. That said, I think Mackenzie should disregard my critique and bask in the glow of these other "critiques". Mine is a critique unsuited to this forum.



Welcome, John -

I'm no poet, but I drop in here from time to time and lurk just to read what people write. Poetry's so emotionally charged, and we have so many people from all over the world here. So I think by nature, over time, a community forms and people try and support one another. So many obviously are venting unhappiness in their lives through this expressive medium, in some cases maybe not looking for super-charged critique.

There is another space in this site called 'Workshop' where you can review poetry and prose that are placed in a secure place that is not accessible by the general internet. In other words, it's members-only and people there are looking for more intensive critique, as a general rule. So I guess I'm saying don't form a generalized opinion of the entire site by your perception of a few critiques on a few poems in the open boards. Dig deeper, put your critiques out there, and leave the analysis of others' critiques for the OP to ruminate on. 

That is, if your true aim is to 'make friends' like you said in your introductory thread. 

Regards,
~Plur


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## John Oberon (Nov 16, 2014)

Listen. Every way you are reading into this piece is so incredibly literal.

On the contrary. I viewed most of your meaning as metaphorical. What I addressed was the construction of your poem - that IS literal and factual.

Poetry is not linear. Writing that makes you feel something is not straight. Just like feelings themselves are not straight and perfect. They are curvy and twisty and hard to navigate and a sometimes full of dead ends and mazes that as a person you need to take one step at a time. Hence "curvature"

I see. And you think "delicate curvature" is a great way to express something "curvy and twisty and hard to navigate and a sometimes full of dead ends and mazes that as a person you need to take one step at a time". I respectfully and strongly disagree, and I think now, you probably do too, lol.

your second point, I am talking about the masterpiece, the pieces of the masterpiece after it shattered as a whole. It was beautiful to begin with, and just because it shattered and it's not immediately recognizable, it does not mean those individual pieces cannot be vibrant and full of life on their own. Just like a broken heart. Sure it's a wonderful when it's whole, but there's also something inherently beautiful about feeling yourself break and letting those emotions come through, the hurtful ones that might be jagged and sharp but regardless they are you and they have a purpose.

I understand you intended to talk about the masterpiece, but that isn't what you wrote. You wrote of the scattered pieces of the masterpiece, not the masterpiece. You wrote that the pieces were irreparably broken, not the masterpiece. It's like saying, "The pieces of my broken heart were broken." You see?

The nerves. No I do not mean the open wound. You can stitch a wound together all you want, and t will heal. I'm not talking about the wound itself, I'm talking about the outcome of it. The nerves, are the things that send the messages to your brain and let you know that you are feeling, that you are in pain. Without nerves, that wound may be there but you wouldn't ever know it because you can't feel he pain.

Fine. My point is that you CAN'T stitch nerves back together. It is a self-evident fact, so why say the obvious? It's so obvious, I thought you HAD to've meant to apply that to the wound.

Now for the wall. it is a metaphor hun. It is a part of me. Each brick is a layer of my soul. Each brick is a part of me that I might not necessarily want to show a person, for fear of rejection. Each brick represents a layer that MUST be penetrated in order to have any chance at real love. Accepting love. How can you be in a real loving relationship if you can't trust the other person to see your demons and not leave? Have you honestly never guarded your heart from someone in fear of them breaking it? If that's the case then you're a lucky person. But for most of us, getting hurt is scary. Being in emotional pain is far worse than anything physical, in my opinion. So we build walls. We protect ourselves and it's only for those special people we trust that we choose to let that come down and fully trust them.

I understand it's a metaphor, hun. I called it a metaphor - a flawed one, and you just illustrated it pretty effectively. The wall cannot both protect your heart/soul and BE your heart/soul. You're trying to say that the fellow must break down these walls to reach a place of trust where he may access your unprotected heart, but at the same time you're saying these walls are layers, actual parts of your heart/soul. Sorry, but that's a bad metaphor. Either the hardness is external of a tender heart, or the heart itself is hard and must be softened, but not both, at least not with this particular metaphor.

I do REALLY appreciate your feedback because it have me further reason to analyze my own words and confirm that they were right for my intent in the piece.

Really? Because it didn't read like analysis of words to me. It read like a more specific expression of the emotions driving this poem to me. _I_ am the one who analyzed the words you used.

I am sorry that every part didn't resonate for you. I feel sorry, I hope someday you'll find poetry with metaphors that speak to you. Like my words speak to me.

I can assure you that I know plenty of poetry with metaphors that speak accurately, truthfully, and poignantly not just to me, but the vast majority of the world. It's unfortunate that your words speaking only to you is your measure of quality.

This isn't some masterpiece, it's not a wonderful piece of writing, but it's honest and real and everything I wrote, I could envision feeling exactly that.

Already spoke to this.


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 16, 2014)

joshybo said:


> I enjoyed this piece.  It reads frantically and while some of the expressions and imagery may seem unorthodox, I personally enjoy that style.  It's always refreshing to see poetry written and emotions conveyed in unexpected, experimental ways.  I actually really liked the "curvature" line.  To me, the word "curvature" evoked an image of the curvature of one's body and I actually find that word to sound quite intimate, especially in the context here.
> 
> I would only offer two critiques which stood out to me:
> 
> ...


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## Bloggsworth (Nov 16, 2014)

Fine. My point is that you CAN'T stitch nerves back together. It is a self-evident fact, so why say the obvious? It's so obvious, I thought you HAD to've meant to apply that to the wound.

Er, yes you can, otherwise transplanted limbs wouldn't work, transplanted hearts wouldn't work. Shall I go on? Some of the big and complex nerves resist at the moment, but stem cells are on their way.


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 16, 2014)

Bloggsworth said:


> Fine. My point is that you CAN'T stitch nerves back together. It is a self-evident fact, so why say the obvious? It's so obvious, I thought you HAD to've meant to apply that to the wound.
> 
> Er, yes you can, otherwise transplanted limbs wouldn't work, transplanted hearts wouldn't work. Shall I go on? Some of the big and complex nerves resist at the moment, but stem cells are on their way.






exactly!! 
thank you Bloggsworth 
How else would they sew back fingers and limbs? if the nerves weren't reattached together it would just be a dead thing you're carting around with no control over. The nerves are the keys to your body working properly.


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 16, 2014)

John Oberon said:


> I see. Well, I think this forum is not for me. You're a few steps above rcallaci who thinks a list of six words and two phrases is really poignant poetry, but it sounds like you all abide by the same philosophy: like makes right. If the author likes what he writes, then the poem is good. I view a poem like anything else someone constructs. Good construction requires rules either artfully obeyed or skillfully broken. You did neither, blatantly, in the areas I described, and no amount of "honest and real" can mitigate the damage. Will a homeowner acquiesce to the builder if the builder builds a house with no windows or doors just because the builder felt "honest and real" about the work and envisioned a house exactly like that? Or will the homeowner say, "Put in some windows and doors, or I'll get someone who will!"
> 
> I guess I hoped you'd at least _aspire_ to create a masterpiece or a wonderful piece of writing. Your poem _does_ have some good emotion, but it's murky and unfocused. I don't think it would take a whole lot to kick this thing up several notches, but I see improvement is not the point of this forum. So...I leave you all to your group massage. Adieu.
> 
> I'm off to fiction.






Its unfortunate to me that you found a way to not only insult myself, my writing, and my aspirations,  but another writer in this forum, to serve no other purpose than to support your own point. 
Bob didn't post here, (and even if he had submitted his own work for you to critique, your comments were blatantly rude and unnecessary)  he is not a stepping stone for you to crush on your way up to your high horse. There's being a good critic and then there's being a bully. You don't seem to differentiate.


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## bookmasta (Nov 16, 2014)

The feeling behind the poem is good. I can relate to what the speaker is experiencing. Its palpable in an emotional way that's needed for a piece like this. That being said, the meter is also off and some of the lineations don't flow well. 



> I'm not sorry
> I'm not sorry that I cried when we shattered
> when we took our fists and smashed that masterpiece
> its scattered pieces all sparkly and beautiful
> and irreparably broken





> I'm not sorry
> I'm not sorry that I imagined my emotions
> as insubstantial as angel hair streaming  from an open wound
> nerves on fire, never to be stitched back together
> ...



Just taking from these two stanzas, I would break down certain lineations that feel blocky and condense them into more coherent thoughts. Anyway, its still good. Enjoyed the emotional power and its theme. And on a side note, the last stanza is my favorite.


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## John Oberon (Nov 16, 2014)

Mackenzie27 said:


> Its unfortunate to me that you found a way to not only insult myself, my writing, and my aspirations,  but another writer in this forum, to serve no other purpose than to support your own point.
> Bob didn't post here, (and even if he had submitted his own work for you to critique, your comments were blatantly rude and unnecessary)  he is not a stepping stone for you to crush on your way up to your high horse. There's being a good critic and then there's being a bully. You don't seem to differentiate.



Huh? You view pointing out pretty obvious errors in your poem as an insult? I think I'll have to disagree. If I wanted to insult you, don't you think I have the literary acumen to do it? And my comment about Bob wasn't rude; it was factual. That's Bob's real opinion in another thread, though paraphrased. Ask him. Someone wrote a list of six words and two phrases as a "poem" and I wrote the comment "That's a poem?", to which rcallaci replied:

_yes john it was and a damn good one to boot... I loved the form and the line breaks- good job_

I guess I don't view accurately paraphrasing a person's opinion as rude. And I view my saying that you're a few steps above that in your poetic accomplishment as more of a compliment. I have yet to say one word about what I myself actually think about Bob's acumen. All I did was accurately paraphrase his opinion and say you were a few steps above that. Now if you think Bob is absolutely clueless about poetry, I suppose you could take it as an insult maybe. But if you think Bob is incredibly insightful about poetry, then you can only view it as quite a hefty compliment. I don't know Bob or you. All I know is what he said about that one poem.

I don't think my hoping you'd aspire to writing a masterpiece or a wonderful piece of writing as an insult either. You yourself said your poem was not a masterpiece or a wonderful piece of writing, while I said it wouldn't take much to kick it up several notches. I think it holds a lot of potential. I am such a bully, lol.

Anyway, yeah...this forum's not for me. I'm not the hold-your-hand, soothing, "Hooray, you've made a mudpie!" type. Sorry. I'm the blunt, cut-and-dried, "Let's try to build a Ferrari!" type. I don't hand out approbation easily, but when I do, it means something, and I can tell you why it means something and get dang excited telling you, lol. So bye-bye, Mackenzie, and good luck with your poetry. AJ told me the Workshop is a better place for critique, so I'll be there instead of here, if ever you get an itch for me, lol.


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## candid petunia (Nov 16, 2014)

This thread is for discussion / feedback on the poem, not for comments on the members posting here. Please get back on topic.


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## Mackenzie27 (Nov 19, 2014)

candid petunia said:


> This thread is for discussion / feedback on the poem, not for comments on the members posting here. Please get back on topic.




Sorry!


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