# Scores: June 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Jul 1, 2022)

Scores are upon us! How did you do...?


*Title**SueC**Ibb**KeganThompson**Vranger**Average*Death's Door _by Quelharrow_1918191217​a phil is(a) tin ē bit me_ by Sinister_1917171717½​*3*The Wonky Tree _by bdcharles_18201515.517⅛​The Portal of Unparalleled Enlightenment _by TheChristianWitness_1415141915½​A Door Opens _by Louanne Learning_17171416.516⅛​Youth _by Vodyanik_161216.5913⅜​Letter Home_ by SJ Ward_171618.7516.517¹⁄₁₆​Visitors _by PrairieHostage_14.516181616⅛​The Ideation Tree _by PiperofYork_172018.2519.518¹¹⁄₁₆​*1*The King of the Fae _by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord_151718.251716¹³⁄₁₆​Glynis and Maxx _by NajaNoir_141417.51916⅛​Nashville 630 _by Matchu_171918.251717¹³⁄₁₆​*2*

So, the medallists are...

1st: The Ideation Tree _by PiperofYork_
2nd: Nashville 630 _by Matchu_
3rd: a phil is(a) tin ē bit me_ by Sinister_

Congratulations to our winners, and many thanks to our fabulous quartet of judges. Here are their comments...



Spoiler: SueC scores



*1) Death’s Door
Quelhallow*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 19/20

Review: It’s irresistible, isn’t it? There’s so much to be said about current events, it can almost leave you without a voice at all. Your story landed like a thud; no optimism could be found within and that is terrifying, and hopefully not what we will really become. It was all believable, painfully so and visually speaking, except for one element. It is beyond me to fathom a pregnant woman being able to run ‘non-stop through the long night’ and then continue beyond that. I understand the drive and the fear that propelled Melody on, but in practical terms it might have been better if she had somehow found safe harbor, even for a moment, to rest and eat some snow for hydration. She could no doubt still die in the end, but I believe it would make the story more palatable, and relatable to those of us who remember those pregnancy limitations. Otherwise, good job, Quelhallow. I found no SPaG’s to comment on and I believe the prompt was met. Thank you for your submission.

*2) a phil is(a) tin ē bit me
Sinister*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 19/20

Review: Just delightful. I can see everything and while sometimes implanting visuals can be overdone, this was just the right amount. The only disconnect I felt was toward the beginning, when Melismata said “Phil, look.” It’s just a minor thing, but for a nano-second I thought it was the MC, calling to someone else named Phil, drawing attention to his sodden sock. It might be helpful to just add a “she called,” or “she yelled” after the comment instead. And did he turn his head because of her calling to him, or her gasp? I know, too analytical. But I did enjoy this and love the way you draw readers in, even though it may be a place not many are familiar with. Makes me want to go! I saw no SPaG issues, and the prompt was met. Thank you for your submission, Sinister.

*3) The Wonky Tree
Anon 1*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 18/20

Review: Ah, the mysteries we uncover in our youths. I like this; the suspense builds nicely along with descriptions of place. Regarding time, however, I found the placement of Aaron and his family moving away, out of touch and distant years later, a little premature within the story, only because the next paragraph brought you back to the summer of the event without warning to your readers. I do like the way you captured the typical teen behavior, as well as how they might react to something so totally unexpected and mysterious. I wanted to read more, to find out what happened with the second kiddo who just wanted to know what happens, maybe even more than wanting Aaron to not be alone in his emptiness. There’s a sensitivity to consequences, despite the rashness of repeating the same steps to oblivion, and I thought that was a good touch. I saw no issues with SPaG and you met the prompt. Nice job and thank you for your submission.

*4) The Portal of Unparalleled Enlightenment
Anon 2*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 14/20

Review: This was a little different. I think this has some promise, but as it is right now, it’s a little rough. The maiden part seems almost unnecessary to the story line, either that or it could have been developed more. Her “suddenly appearing . . .slowly” is a confusing visual. The maiden’s appearance just provided some added perplexity, not that anything beyond a portal should actually make sense, but it seemed inordinately odd and didn’t really go anywhere. The use of ellipses is supposed to indicate missing text, not necessarily a slow or paused way of speaking. Dashes might have worked better, punctuation-wise. There’s a little bit of a disconnect within the story line that made it difficult to follow, but if you put some more work into this, flesh it out some, it could be a really good story! You did meet the prompt. Thank you for your submission.

*5) A Door Opens
Louanne Learning*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 17/20

Review: It’s hard to put such a momentous time in our history into 650 words, and I applaud your efforts. Objectively, however, I did not warm to Frances or her plight. All the elements were there; you chronicled the path that women have taken since those times, but there seemed to be an emotional element missing in the story. What had Frances been exposed to that made her realize she could take a different path from her mother and all the women before her? There had to have been a catalyst, even in reality, and it might have made the story more interesting and compelling if we saw how and why Frances made the determination to want something different, something almost unheard of. Her father’s rejection of her ideas might have helped propel her, but I still feel that Frances did not just wake up one day and decide she didn’t want to live an expectation. I think if you could flesh this out a little more, give us a broader profile of Frances and her experiences, it could be a good story! I saw no issues with SPaG and you met the prompt. Thank you for your submission.

*6) Youth
Vodyanik*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 16/20

Review: This was a nice little story about a group of boys discovering a misshapen tree. As boys will, a game was soon afoot, and everyone aimed (literally) to be the best. The tale wasn’t terribly exciting, not a lot of conflict, but nice all the same. I do think this could have been a little more interesting. The boys could have talked about how the tree happened to grow the way it had, and maybe speculate on a variety of possibilities, all while aiming for their target. Surely there must have been at least one conspiracy theorist in the making! J Adding some mystery might have made it more enjoyable too, but I saw no SPaG issues, and you met the prompt. Thanks for your submission.

*7) Letter Home
S J Ward*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 17/20

Review: Very clever. Your visuals were good enough for me to actually see what you were describing. With a limited amount of words, however, I would suggest spending less time (fewer instances) on the back and forth in the tree – I think you could still convey the events with fewer of them – and more time on what he sees when he tries to “go home.” There must have been more than just his house not being where he left it that gave him an indication he was not in the same era. Otherwise, you kept the suspense all the way to the end, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I saw no issues with SPaG. Thank you for your submission.

*8)Visitors
PrairieHostage*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3.5/5
Overall: 14.5/20

Review: I found this story somewhat confusing. I read it twice and couldn’t say for sure whether the travelers had landed on earth or P2. The mention of “P1” added to the confusion since it hadn’t been identified before that, at least that I could tell. Also, the micro paragraphs of one sentence or more seemed unnecessary and distracting. I think the story in general needs to be expanded to include enough information so that readers can get a sense of place and time. Having said all of that! – I think this has great potential. It is not so far into the future that readers can’t relate to natural events of destruction, the characters are likeable and the possibilities endless. Thank you for your submission.

*9) The Ideation Tree
PiperofYork*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 17/20

Review: This was a fun tale! I really liked the way you drew your readers in, without a lot of premise but plenty of twists and turns. The only thing I would suggest would be giving some kind of hint at Purby’s disgust; maybe a facial expression or a stance or something to indicate his surprise reaction of going after Radek with a knife, to sort of provide your readers with a rationale for the behavior. Even though readers may have found Radek’s treatment of Purby disdainful, we don’t really know how Purby felt. I also found the two tree idea a little complex, but seemed to work in the long run. I didn’t see any SPaG issues and you met the prompt. Thank you for your submission, Piper.

*10) The King of the Fae
Anon 3*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 15/20

Review: I think this is beautifully written, but it feels more poetry than prose. I am not a poet but felt the same confusion when reading this work that I often feel when reading poetry. The visuals, while striving to paint a picture, eluded me somewhat but the words you chose to describe the adventure are lovely. It is difficult to assess SPaGs or storyline in this one. I do feel that you met the prompt by including the tree as a destination. Thank you for your submission.

*11) Glynis and Maxx
Anon 4*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 14/20

Review: I like the premise. It kind of reminded me of the Never-Ending Story, where the ‘nothing’ was taking over and dissolving all the land in the book. I like the characters well enough, and I think with more wording this could be a really good story. As it stands, it’s a little too pat. Other than the idea that the game was being deleted while they were still ‘in’ it, there was not much of a story to be told. But like I said, the word limitation was probably a factor and I believe if you work on enhancing this storyline, it could be a really fun read! I didn’t see any SPaG issues. You referenced a ‘cave’ and a ‘bridge,’ but I didn’t see anything that referenced the picture prompt, so that is reflected in your score. Thank you for your submission.

*12) Nashville 630
Matchu*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Evaluation: 4.5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 17/20

Review: Matchu, this was really entertaining! I could only imagine you laughing as you were writing this, especially the beginning, before the dog-walking adventure. You have a unique talent to make others smile as well. Getting down to business, however, it is a bit of a challenge to assess your writing, but I’ll do the best I can. I really enjoyed the transformation of your character, from this sort of everyday guy into a rock star, whose dog turned into a special guitar (Bonzo the banjo). Just walk through the branches and wah-lee-lah! There you were, a rock star. I loved this “I was Enrico Hairy Guitar to these people who purchased tickets online probably.” And you came full circle by remembering your promise to your wife, but no! She’s too busy now – se la vie. SPaGs are a little iffy but you did reference the prompt. Thank you for your submission, Matchu.





Spoiler: Ibb scores



Death’s Door
By Quelhallow

SPaG - 5/5
T&V - 4/5
Evaluation - 5/5
Reaction - 4/5
Total: 18/20

Exceptional craftsmanship underpinned by careful, deliberate word choices. There is a fine balance of detail that simultaneously evokes the world surrounding Melody and her own terror within it. Look no further than the opening paragraph. Later on, in order to make sure the reader isn’t potentially lost in their own reverie about what Melody looking over her shoulder and clinging to her belly might entail, you provide just enough exposition to reveal the state of this familiar, potentially-not-far-off world, giving us insight into the 2022 cash flow, the forced insta-grams, Border Patrol’s ascension from political outlier to tyrannical doctrine. All of it is brilliantly executed. I offer a 4 out of 5 on the tone due to this same shift. The story does a good job keeping the author removed from the plot, but when lines such as “A refugee in the land of the free,” appear, I’m reminded where the author stands. This is not a bad thing, but the delicate writing elsewhere is drawn slightly taut when the opinion joins forces with the hands-off narration. You had me in a spell then pushed me out of it. I saw Melody. I was standing with her. Then, in one brush, I was reading a story again. Perfect marks for SPaG and Evaluation as you directed your tale with confidence and concluded it with a masterful sentence. I have a personal distaste for stories I consider to be moralizing, more so for ones dealing with topical issues, but I provide a 4 out of 5 in Reaction due to your expertise and my enjoyment of your pacing, sentence structure and choice of imagery to convey mood and emotion. There’s little to fault here, and though it is not a story I would read of my own volition, it is one that showcases a writer in full control of his powers who deserves respect and acknowledgment for his ability. A wonderful job.

a phil is(a) tin ē bit me
By Sinister

SPaG - 3 / 5
T&V - 5 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 4 / 5
Total - 17 / 20

A strange but delightful bit of writing. The punctuation is awkward at places, the quotations needed commas preceding “I said,” and some of the sentences read awkwardly… and yet. The sentences elsewhere, especially in the latter half, read like poetry, none better than, “His monopodial trunk had risen into the German sunshine and this single connection with the world had peeled and splintered, by force of a German storm, into a perfect rectangle.” It only grows from there, and the paragraph designed to tie this entire piece together does so with a crisp swing at bat, knocking the rest of the story into a home run towards the sun. I give perfect marks for Tone because the narrator’s voice never wavered; you, Sinister, whoever you are, did not appear once, and I am always impressed by a writer who can disappear into their character. Though Melismata is transparent almost to the point of invisibility, it hardly matters. She is not the star of the story, but the vehicle through which the voice can vent its frustration and seek its freedom. A perfect ending to tie it up. Well done.

The Wonky Tree
By Anonymous #1

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 5 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 5 / 5
Total - 20 / 20

Mystery! Intrigue! Ancient lightningbolts and sudden transformations of the soul! Beyond impressive for something so short. What was it? 650 words? And you managed to balance multiple characters, passages of time and ruminations on the cosmos and mortality, infusing each of them with life, blood and literary zest, all without dropping a single spinning torch. I’d give feedback on areas of improvement, but the issue is that I don’t see anything to improve. I was initially disrupted by the “actually” in the second paragraph, as your voice in the first paragraph conveyed the idea of a narrator who reported things very matter-of-factly, almost like a disinterested observer, but then followed the rest of the story and I was lowered, rather quickly, back into the spell of your writing. Everything clicks and everything works. I have little to offer other than congratulations. You knocked this out of the park.



The Portal of Unparalleled Enlightenment
By Anonymous #2

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 3 / 5
Evaluation - 4 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 15 / 20

I have a soft spot for punchline stories. I love reading them, I love writing them, I always get a big, silly smile on my face when encountering one. The punchline to this particular story is perfect and nicely concludes the story. My Eval and Reaction score for this story are 4 and 3, respectively, because I did not find much to chew on in the writing preceding the punchline. The story starts strongly, then enters a meta universe where the characters are aware of themselves while actively being written; that, or they find themselves able to control the outcome of the events that follow. A fun premise, but I don’t believe the direction you chose to take it highlighted either your literary talents as a writer or your imaginative powers as a creative. What follows felt like a chopped up bit of freeform poetry as read from an adventure novel. That’s interesting, as well, but when the characters start debating what to evoke next (space aliens, knights, time travel) the story treads water on being generic, regardless of whether or not the characters agree. Mind you, this does not mean you’re a bad writer. Only that, in this particular case, you had quite a few paths open before you and chose to take one that I don’t believe were representative of your talents; and they are ones you quickly showed you possessed before jumping into the parallel universe whereafter, wittingly or not, you pushed them aside. You’re clearly creative and have a great sense of humor. My advice is to dig deeper into that aspect next time around. Good job.

A Door Opens
By Louanne Learning

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 4 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 17 / 20

What I like about your writing is the ability to move swiftly from one scene to the next while keeping each of them tangible and relevant to the ones preceding. Shorter put, your pacing as a storyteller is perfect, and in regards to level of craftsmanship you have a lot to be proud of, as the writing is crisp, the imagery clear, and the narrative momentum neither too fast nor too slow. It’s a hard balance to achieve, and you do it splendidly. I give a 4 for Tone because, while the story was strong, it also felt somewhat sanitized―less a story about the hard-won victories of women and more a dreamy recollection of the past. When you seated me besides Frances, be it offering her opinions to her father, inquiring as to the nature of Charles’ love, or slightly beginning to irk her mother, I was right there with you. Your strength is clearly in interactions between people. This line here―“He did not ask, he told.”―is perfectly tuned. Not only in regards to what you wish to convey, but to the perfect sentences which follow it and form the paragraph. If I were your editor, I would even suggest cutting everything before this: “Charles, respectable and upright, called on her that evening, and they sat on the porch swing.” It’s a perfect a scene, and I think your story would have been stronger leaning more into Frances’ interactions with her father, mother and Charles as opposed to her quick snippets of historical dialogue (“The Republic must keep its promise of 1776 to all its citizens!”). My reaction sits at a 3 because I did not learn enough about Charles, nor did I trust him enough given the historical context in which he exists, to buy his congratulations to Frances by story’s end. I don’t doubt that given more time you would convincingly render this relationship between them, but within the span of 650 words I did not feel this ending was earned nor hinted at. Rather, the story feels less like a short of 650 words and more like a novel itching to break free of its confines. That, however, is a testament to your talent. Good job.

Youth
By Vodyanik

SPaG - 4 / 5
T&V - 3 / 5
Evaluation - 3 / 5
Reaction - 2 / 5
Total - 12 / 20

The story has a tense shift halfway through which may or may not have been intended, but in addition to a few errors of contraction vs. possession (‘it’s’ where there should have been ‘its’) I gave a 4 out of 5 in SPaG, as the story is mostly constructed well. As for the rest of the tale, what I encountered felt like a vignette, a scene from a larger piece dropped into the reader’s view without attempting to take advantage of the 650 words to tell a concise story, content instead to offer a snapshot of youth, neither burgeoning for the first time nor fading away as in so many loss-of-innocence tales. Your desire to sniff out this type of story and present it is strong, and I encourage it, though the writing itself, while competent, is mostly undercooked. The children do not feel like living beings but like children from a postcard shouting blase words of encouragement. The sentences do not leap with playfulness as might be becoming of youthful characters, nor do they focus on the minute details that might reveal layers to these young boys and who they are versus what they might become. I say all this only to encourage you that my total score is not an indictment of your writing but a response to artistic choices you decided to take this go around. My suggestion for the future is to ask yourself how your writing style either compliments or takes away from the characters you’re focusing on and to lean that writing into them. The core of any story is the people with whom we populate it, and if we are lucky, the writing becomes one with the characters. You have the ability to pull it off, but this isn’t it. At least not in its present form. Good work and continue improving.

Letter Home
By S J Ward

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 3 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 16 / 20

The story reads like a mystery moving toward a revelation despite it being framed as a letter to his parents. The risk I always find in epistolary stories is managaing the balance between making a believable communication between two people and tripping into the techniques of orthodox narration, rendering the former context of it being a letter behind. This story wavers between both, but by the time he is describing his experiences with the portal and travelling through time, I find that the framework of a letter is no longer sustainable, thus my score of 3 for Tone. However, the ending you provide is a nice surprise, and everything is clearly leaned toward suspending that tension until revealing the plot twist at the end, which is very well done and earns a perfect 5 for Evaluation. Both conversational and narrative, the piece is held together by a strong control of grammar and sentence structure, earning another perfect 5. Due to my aforementioned disbelief in the story’s framework as a letter I give the Reaction a 3. Good job and continue to experiment. You show great promise.

Visitors
By PraireHostage

SPaG - 4 / 5
T&V - 5 / 5
Evaluation - 4 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 16 / 20

This is a solid bit of science-fiction that does a good job convincing me of the history in which it occurs while providing clear insight into the motivations of the characters populating it. The trouble I find here is the difficult task of managing expository detail with enough showcasing of dialogue and character interaction. It’s a high bar to reach in a span of 650 words, and I find the total effect here one that has mixed results. I loved your commitment to the backstory, of explaining how we had gotten from Point A to Point B in this brave new world’s journey. But I was lost on the emotional core, and the ending scene did not leave me feeling anything particularly strong either way. That all said, the moment to moment writing was clean and concise, with the tone confidently wearing its science-fiction influences on its sleeve. Good job and continue writing.

The Ideation Tree
By piperofyork

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 5 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 5 / 5
Total - 20 / 20

Lovely, light-hearted sentences perfectly intermingled with a character befitting their structure. This is, in my opinion, the definition of a perfectly crafted tale. The writing is lively all on its own and yet it supports atop its foundation the liveliness of another, good ol’ Radek (the Pillock, no less). “Radek’s face ranged the crimson spectrum as he huffed and hacked through the Rabelaisian Forest”; “Corpulent with coin”; “Following Vera’s directions, Radek thrust his bulk through thistle and thorn, cursing eloquently all the while, before looking up and gasping amidst the midday sylvan brilliance.” Brief examples of gargantuan talent. Your tone is masterful, tuned without hiccup to the characters and their dialogue. I give perfect marks across the rest of the board, as there is nothing here to critique, only praise to heap upon your craftsmanship, wit and creativity. Amazing work. Great job.

The King of the Fae
By Anonymous #4

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 4 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 17 / 20

A nice take on the prompt with a refreshing writing style, bringing to mind Joyce in the opening pages of Portrait and a bit of Faulkner. However, you make it entirely your own. I offer perfect scores on SPaG because the story’s experimental style was held together by expertly controlled sentences, staccato rhythms and solid punctuation. For Tone and Voice I offer a 4, as the style, though strong, feels as if it is in its beginning stages. I cannot pinpoint exactly what is missing, but the sensation of reading it felt like holding a solid object in my hand that is not quite the weight you would expect it to be. This is a powerful choice of narration style, but it needs more meat. However, the 4 is only one point shy of a perfect score, indicating how good it already is. I did not feel immersed in the character or background story enough to find myself strongly receptive to the story’s direction or ending, but you used the 650 words to tell a concise tale that neatly concludes the problem it sets up from the beginning sentence; thus the 5 to Evaluation in recognition of your construction. Excellent craftsmanship throughout, but there are a few holes through which the wind blew which prevented me from sinking whole heartedly into the tale. Regardless, a solid work of writing. Continue to improve and good job.

Glynis and Maxx
By Anonymous #5

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 3 / 5
Evaluation - 3 / 5
Reaction - 3 / 5
Total - 14 / 20

I enjoyed this story on its surface, but my score reflects my reaction to the writing that supports it. A tale of doomed friendship with a bittersweet ending of mutually acquiescent destruction―a perfect rock onto which to sharpen your talent. But the story does little to endear me to either of your protagonists, as I am told first what world they inhabit, then how they meet, then how they feel about each other, and finally the state of the world that is about to consume them. During this time I am not given a single instance of their friendship to convince me of their feelings for one another. Same goes for the fears they may have, harbor or deny about their impending mortality. You have a powerful imagination and, if this story is any indication, it will never leave you in short supply. My suggestion for future stories is to spend more time revealing the surrounding characteristics of your world through the actions and dialogues of the characters themselves. This will allow both the characters and the world they inhabit to be infused with more life, and thus more believability, for the reader. Continue to exercise your writing talent and see you for the next LM. Good job.

Nashville
By Matchu

SPaG - 5 / 5
T&V - 5 / 5
Evaluation - 5 / 5
Reaction - 4 / 5
Total - 19 / 20

I almost docked a point for SPaG because I couldn’t tell if the grammar was all over the place or if the writing’s goopy, elastic style simply had the effect of splitting my brain into two bars of melted cheese. After some consideration I decided it was the latter and gave a 5 for SPaG. Tone gets a perfect 5 as well because of the simple, near effortless word choices that continuously keep this madcap train running along the tracks without a hitch. “Below the trees aside the stream, myself and Bonzo meandered aimlessly.” Wonderful. “The elm collapsed across the pathway.” Even better. The dialogue, the narrator and the reveries in which he finds himself bounce off each other effortlessly and continue to send the story further and further into the clouds until it is brought mercifully back down following his guitar strumming upon the dog. The height this story reaches is, paradoxically, its only detriment, as I was pulled so effortlessly along into wonderland that I began to wonder how it might stick a landing worthy of its beginning and middle. A final, playful sentence gently concludes the story, but offers a sigh where I anticipated an explosion. Regardless, the writing, tone, wit, creativity and brash humor elevate this story into vaunted heights, and I would happily read an entire novel following this narrator’s interior thoughts. Great job.





Spoiler: KeganThompson scores



Quelhallow, Death's door
SPaG:5
T&V:5
Eval:4.5
Reac:4.5
Total:19
I really liked this story, it was well written and it packed a punch. Three were a few areas I was a bit confused about. She is fleeing from America to Mexico? (and not the other way around) At first, I thought she had died from exhaustion or something of the sort but at the very end, it is mentioned as a hunt successfully won. (sounds like she may have been shot too, with how her life flashed before her eyes)


Sinister, a phil is(a) tin ē bit me
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:4
Total:17
When the flower was described as hideous, I thought it had to be a bit of a hyperbole, how can a flower be hideous? Then I looked up ‘Edelweiss’... I’d say it was described pretty well. Lol. I liked how Melismata would pester the MC but when he found something interesting she didn't seem to care and at the very end, he was so ready to leave the place (whether it was a dream of some sort or he was actually in Germany)

Anon#1, The Wonky Tree
SPaG:5
T&V:3
Eval:3.5
Reac:3.5
Total: 15
I enjoyed the creepiness of this one. What happened to Aaron wasn’t overly described just enough to know that something was up and the remaining part was left to the imagination. There was a part that pulled me out of the story, it was the paragraph that described his mom and where they possibly went/ happened to them. If that section was simplified, the story would flow a bit better.

Anon#2, The Portal of Unparalleled Enlightenment
SPaG:4.5
T&V:3
Eval:3
Reac:3.5
Total:14

I liked the unique formatting/style of this story, the ~ was a bit distracting, however. (I don't think they were needed) I wish there were more context to how the tree works because at the end George was able to rate the story as if became a book on Amazon (which was funny) The story was written by someone else yet Cooper was the one doing all the imagining/storytelling, so I found the concept confusing.


Piperofyork, The ideation Tree
SPaG:5
T&V:4.75
Eval:4.5
Reac:4
Total:18.25
I like this is a continuation of the Veracity Mirror I also Judged in March. It’s its own story but has a connection and has the same tone and humor. Will there be another episode in the future? Hope so

Louanne Learning, A Door Opens
SPaG:5
T&V:3
Eval:3
Reac:3
Total:14
I felt there was a lot of ‘telling,’ which made me less engaged with the story and the characters. The Mc wanted to be more than just a housewife, but exactly what were her goals? She didn't seem to have one in particular that she was striving for. At the end, it said she became an editor, her desire to write or love of language arts, for example, could’ve been a more concrete motivation throughout the narrative. The ending was really sweet, it looks like she did marry Charles after all and he was supportive of her endeavors.

Vodyanik, Youth
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:3.5
Total:16.5

It was a cute, well-written story.
_Gaddum eyes narrowed and he lined up his throw. His arm swung back and forth, a pendulum, gaining momentum, waiting for the right moment. Releasing his grip the grass flied forward in an arc. The shot looked good and a bead of sweat dripped from Gaddum’s forehead as he watched the grass ripple through the air, sailing straight through the center of the tree._
This was a nice paragraph and my favorite from the story. It created a good visual. I liked the light-hearted approach but would’ve liked to see a more whimsical touch to it.


S J Ward
SPaG:5
T&V:4.5
Eval: 4.75
Reac:4.5
Total:18.75
Good prose and nice plot twist! Him going forward by two hours and why the watch said that vs 400 years and how that words in a little confusing. But perhaps I'm looking too much into that.

PrairieHostage, Visitors
SPaG: 5
T&V:4.5
Eval:4.5
Reac:4
Total:18

The story felt longer than just a mere 650 words, there was a lot of meat to it! Since there was a lot going on with the short story, it feels a little compressed in some areas. There is a lot to work with, so I hope you'd consider adding to it after the comp. Now, the real question is: how are they gonna sneak a deer onto to P2? Lol

The king of the fae, Anon#3
SPaG:5
T&V :4.75
Eval:4.5
Reac:4
Total:18.25

This reads more like a poem than a typical short story. In ways, I liked that but wasn’t a huge fan of the repeating words. Overall the voice was unique and kept me interested and the voice/style made it even more whimsical.

Glynis and Maxx, Anon#4
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:4.5
Total:17.5
It's a fun Idea, getting trapped in a video game. I personally enjoy those types of stories. It reminds me of Sword Art Online or even Ready Player One. I hope they get to meet in real life, the ending was well executed: With a sadness in her eyes for all that remained unsaid, she took one last look at Maxx and thus concluded their time together the way it began, with a wave of her hand.

Nashville, Matchu
SPaG:4.5
T&V: 4.5
Eval:4.5
Reac:4.75
Total: 18.25
Another interesting story matchu, I quite liked this one! Clever humor   You definitely have a strong voice. I made the score for SPaG a little lower because I felt like there were some missing quotes around dialogue or punctuation/little ‘blips’. I was not walking the dog quite as yet. Did you mean quite as of yet?





Spoiler: Vranger scores



*Death’s Door - Quelhallow*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 2.0
Evaluation 3.0
Reaction 2.0
*Total 12*

This piece was simply too overwritten for my taste. A few modifiers go a long way, and a few more make it too heavy. The Siren’s Song of overwritten prose is that each sentence is very nice. Strung together they get in each other's way. You need to pick your spots for the florid descriptions and get on with the story the rest of the time. The overwriting kept me struggling to maintain interest.

*A phil is(a) tin e bit me - Sinister*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17*

A stray extra comma is the ding on SPAG. This is a frivolous little tale with little sparks of humor coming along at just the right spots. You could use a few copulas turned into active verbs in there, but otherwise well written. I enjoyed it.

*The Wonky Tree - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 15.5*

I liked this. My ding on evaluation is because a sentence here and there seemed awkward … possibly better with two than one. One sentence with a comma splice is the ding on SPAG. If the story continued, I’d keep reading. 

*The Portal of Unparalleled Enlightenment - Anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19*

One ding. George sank, then talked and staggered? I know there’s a scene break but that was a bit jarring. Outside of that bit I’d have typed out 20 points, and I seldom give perfect scores. I loved the imagination and it kept me chuckling.

*A Door Opens - Lluanne Learning*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16.5*

I liked the sentiment of the story, but I was finding it a bit dry until the very last line. Her having married Charles anyway and his evident lifelong support for her ambitions turned the story completely around for me. Well done.

*Youth - Vodyanik*

SPAG 2.0
T&V 3.0
Evaluation 2.0
Reaction 2.0
*Total 9*

I liked the tone and feel of the story, but there were problems. First a wrong word (lie instead of lay), but later on the use of past tense intermingled with present tense just became a train wreck and pulled down all my scores. Fix that, and the piece suddenly doubles in score. Then in one paragraph you leaned on “would + present tense verb” instead of more effectively simply using the past tense verb, for example “would take turns” instead of simply “took turns”.

*Letter Home - S J Ward*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 16.5*

There were a few awkward sentences here and there—in a couple of cases because of comma issues--but a nice story that kept me interested. Very nice creative job. 

*Visitors - PrairieHostage*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 16*

As a sci-fi guy, of course I liked the story, and I’d read more. The dings on SPAG are several comma issues, mostly missing. Creative and entertaining.

*The Ideation Tree - piperofyork*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

Fun story. The ding on SPAG was the interface between “scurried off” and “a berserk”. Probably needed an ellipsis or em dash rather than a comma. It’s nice to see a sequel to the first story with the mirror.  You’re always good for a fun read.

*The King of the Fae - Anonymous*
SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 17*

This was very well written, but I never felt grounded in the story. The use of language in creative ways was quite inventive and effective, I thought. I think this story needs a longer treatment than our meager 650 words in the contest.

*Glynis and Maxx - Anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19*

Fun and quite imaginative. It made me think of my time in World of Warcraft betas coming to an end.  Nice job and a great score.

*NASHVILLE 630 - Matchu*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17*

A couple of places where more commas would have been helpful and a couple of awkward sentences are the drag on SPAG, but otherwise quite readable and amusing. Vintage Matchu, and my personal favorite of all your entries while I’ve been involved. 



The July contest is now up: *LINK*


----------



## NajaNoir (Jul 1, 2022)

Thank you to the judges and host and a thank you also to @Phil Istine for providing a great pic. 
Congrats to the winners, all around it was a pleasure to read the different stories this month.


----------



## Louanne Learning (Jul 1, 2022)

Wow this has been a great experience for me and a huge thank you to all the judges for their well-considered comments.

I look forward to the next contest!


----------



## Quelhallow (Jul 2, 2022)

Great work everyone! A lot of talent emerged for this challenge. I enjoyed reading the entries. Thank you judges, as ever, for the time you dedicated to critiques and feedback.


----------



## bdcharles (Jul 2, 2022)

Awesome entities Well done to the top three placers, and thank you as always to the judgers and hosters


----------



## Sinister (Jul 2, 2022)

Fun as always and great job!  Thank you, Judges!  And congrats to Matchu and PiperofYork, and all the entrants and all their work!


-Sin


----------



## Matchu (Jul 2, 2022)

That's good eh, a silver medal...wow

SPEECH

Many years ago as a small child I...

_Thank you writers for letting me be a part of this, thank you judges for your eyes and for your lovely words.  Congratulations @piperofyork and to @Sinister.  My day is made <3 ...

...oh, thank you @PiP and all the bosses including @VRanger whose photocopied image sits atop my desk...as you know, sir, thank you, right, shut up._


----------



## piperofyork (Jul 2, 2022)

Massive thanks to Harper (as always) and to the judges for all of their work, and congratulations to Sinister and Matchu! It is humbling to do well in the company of such superb writers. Most of all I am extremely thankful for this Forum. What more could a writer ask for than a writing community with such abundant collegiality and expertise?


----------



## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Jul 2, 2022)

Thank you Harper for putting on another great contest!! I really appreciate the judge's feedback. Congratulations to the winners! I also really liked bdcharles' story.


----------



## Ibb (Jul 3, 2022)

Phenomenal output. Congratulations to the winners and to all who entered. I rarely judge because I'm a lazy bumpkin, but reading through the stories this month was a delight and I'm always somewhat intimated (but ultimately grateful) to be surrounded by such talent. Wonderful job, writers.


----------



## PrairieHostage (Jul 3, 2022)

Huge thanks to judges who gave their time and insightful commentary. Congrats to winners and as always, thank you Harper.


----------

