# The old man



## Ethan (Oct 15, 2012)

With stooped shoulders and shuffling gait, he walked past the coffee shop where I sat. The steamed up window added frame to the sad reflection of yesterday’s man. His thinning grey hair, testament to his life’s ordeal, is kept dry by a battered trilby. 

He follows familiar paths, well remembered by the years of repetition, and his dimming eyes, past caring, stare dispassionately into the grey wintry distance. His threadbare coat, concealing the fashions of years past, draped heavily on a wasted frame, and he trudged wearily under its burden, plastic bag dangling redundantly from his arthritic hand. I saw in his demeanour the trials and tragedies of his past have bowed a once proud back.

A wave of sadness suddenly overwhelmed me and tears threatened my eyes. Surprised, I pretended to clean my spectacles lest others take me for a sentimental fool. I was drawn to look again, a guilty voyeur, and as a woman took his arm, he lifted his head slowly and smiled tiredly in acknowledgement.  He lifts his chin at her prompt as she tightened his scarf and tucked it inside his coat, and together they trundled off, heads bowed against the prevailing bitter wind.

Was it my imagination or did his back straighten, just a little, had I truly seen a flicker of warmth and light in those rheumy eyes? She crooked her arm around his, drawing him close, as together they ambled off into the milling crowd. My eyes fixed on her red woollen hat, the only marker amid the busy hustle of the indifferent, until it disappeared from my view.

I was left, surprisingly, with a sense of contentment, my instinctive sympathy replaced by a sense of justice. I wanted to leap to my feet and applaud, only the fear of appearing foolish or completely demented prevented me. I looked discretely around the crammed shop and in an epiphany I recognised the air of studied indifference among my fellows. The avoidance of eye contact and defensive body postures, that echoed my own, betraying my discomfort at the close proximity of strangers. The distant, unfocused stares bearing testament to the shared fear of rejection and embarrassment.
I stood up a wiser and happier man, for the old man has gifted me with one poignant and salient truth.
Some journeys should not, and need not, be endured alone.


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## Kevin (Oct 15, 2012)

I thought this was well written. I found myself thinking about how I would say this or that. Paragraph two, has maybe too many descriptors, like 'threadbare' and 'dispassionately'.  Some more 'show' and less 'tell', just to mix it up a bit. Especially in the conclussion. "I stood up a wiser..." felt overbearing(?)... Strong ideas there, but maybe a different tact. I wish I could say it better. Compelling, though -K


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## IanMGSmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Really enjoyed this as a wonderful celebration of love triumphing over adversity. It also humbled me and reminded me how fortunate I am.

Do agree with Kevin, sometimes more descriptors can lessen the impact although I wondered in some parts if that was perhaps intended? It is a "soft" piece after all.

Not necessarily wrong but it might be easier on the read to have no comma followed by" as he trudged wearily..."

Thanks again for a wonderful read.

ian


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## Ethan (Oct 16, 2012)

Firstly, thank you for reading and commenting, I completely agree with both your comments on use of adjectives (it is a guilty pleasure I over indulge) Too many years as a journalist where their usage is severely restricted i guess. It is something I need to curtail. Thanks again.


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## Cran (Oct 20, 2012)

It has promise, but could use some tightening and a bit of clarity. 

For instance, how could you see all those details through a steamed window?


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## Ethan (Oct 22, 2012)

Hmmm, I see where you're coming from Cran, there are a few details missing here. This is one of a few shorts in a series set in my favourite coffee shop, almost a diary. The previous story details much more of the background i.e. the shop has just opened, the first few of a regular crowd are just arriving and the window is starting to steam up etc., but the point is taken. If I present this or any other observational pieces from the journal, as stand alone Pieces, then they will need a careful eye. Thanks for the heads up, I hadn't even considered this fact.


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## virginia (Oct 24, 2012)

Ethan, what a lovely piece of sensitive writing this is. I would definitely want to read the whole series of 'coffee shop' stories - might they _be _on Kindle?! 

Thank you for posting this, I really enjoyed it.

Virginia


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## Ethan (Oct 25, 2012)

virginia said:


> Ethan, what a lovely piece of sensitive writing this is. I would definitely want to read the whole series of 'coffee shop' stories - might they _be _on Kindle?!
> 
> Thank you for posting this, I really enjoyed it.
> 
> Virginia



Hi Virginia,
It is still a work in progress (although almost finished) I will try to interest publishers, but is all else fails I will definitely publish with Amazon. Thank you very much for the read and your kind comments


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## Eliyahu (Oct 26, 2012)

I personally found it to be wonderfully descriptive.  Very nice.  It really inspires striking imagary IMO...
 Also I could really relate as I have seen this type of scene unfolding and thought similar things......the story resonates very strongly with me.

Very well done.  Thanks for posting this.


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## Ethan (Oct 27, 2012)

Hi Eliyahu,
Thank you for reading and commenting, feedback is always welcome. I have watched many stories unfold in my favourite coffee shop and it was some years before I started jotting them down, Now, I am glad I kept those journals and although I can no longer visit 'My' cafe, I have found a close facsimile and have resumed my hobby. Thanks again for your kind comments.


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## Gershon (Dec 4, 2012)

Ethan said:


> Hi Eliyahu,
> Thank you for reading and commenting, feedback is always welcome. I have watched many stories unfold in my favourite coffee shop and it was some years before I started jotting them down, Now, I am glad I kept those journals and although I can no longer visit 'My' cafe, I have found a close facsimile and have resumed my hobby. Thanks again for your kind comments.


 
I am new here and also a new writer. I have been reading a long time.  I was just going to look at this forum and get ideas for now. Your title took me by the arm and led me inside.

Since I bought a Kindle a year and a half ago, I have been consuming Indie books. One common thread is the first few chapters of Indie books have too many adjectives and adverbs. Once the writer gets into the story, the action accelerates after a few chapters.

Having too many adjectives and adverbs is a part of an author's development. If an author is developing, I can hardly critique that.

My son also writes books and we discussed this. We decided there only needs to be enough adjectives and adverbs for the reader to to imagine the adjectives and adverbs for themselves.  When the reader imagines them, they are right.

Once you establish it is a cozy coffee shop, I can expand "cozy" in my mind to match a cozy coffee shop I frequent.  

Good luck on your book,

You are off to a great start,

Gershon


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## Ethan (Dec 5, 2012)

Gershon said:


> I am new here and also a new writer. I have been reading a long time.  I was just going to look at this forum and get ideas for now. Your title took me by the arm and led me inside.
> 
> Since I bought a Kindle a year and a half ago, I have been consuming Indie books. One common thread is the first few chapters of Indie books have too many adjectives and adverbs. Once the writer gets into the story, the action accelerates after a few chapters.
> 
> ...



Thank you for the encouragement, It is a failing of mine to use too many descriptors, and believe it or not, I have edited out quite a few before posting this. You are of course absolutely correct in your observation of new writers, we do over-complicate and I have noticed that as any of my stories develop these unnecessary irritants decrease. Maybe this is when the authors true voice asserts itself.
Thanks again for the read and comments, always appreciated and always helpful.


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## Gershon (Dec 5, 2012)

Ethan said:


> Thank you for the encouragement, It is a failing of mine to use too many descriptors, and believe it or not, I have edited out quite a few before posting this. You are of course absolutely correct in your observation of new writers, we do over-complicate and I have noticed that as any of my stories develop these unnecessary irritants decrease. Maybe this is when the authors true voice asserts itself.
> Thanks again for the read and comments, always appreciated and always helpful.



I think this is why so many reviews say "It took me awhile to get into the story." 

Since so many authors do this naturally maybe it is an essential writing skill.  In playing music tempo and dynamics make the difference. That is why we can drum any tune on a table and it can sound good.

Rather than discarding adjectives and adverbs maybe we can hire them to regulate the tempo of the story. At times we want the reader to slow down.  At times we want the reader to speed up.  This is called "Tension and Release."  

You do not have a failing. You have one skill in the set of "Tension and Release."  If you also cultivate the skill of creating tension then you will master stimulating and releasing your reader's emotions.

Thank you for stimulating an excellent idea.  I am currently writing an intriguing book which created unbearable tension and it is time for a slow release.  If I  add soothing adjectives to the complex summary it is likely their conflicting emotions will be slowly returned to their everyday relaxed level.

(Notice how I practiced what you just taught me.)

Thanks again,

Gershon


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## Burlesk (Dec 5, 2012)

Interesting piece of writing.

I disagree with the commenters telling you to prune your adjectives; it's primarily a visually descriptive piece rather a narrative, and your prose reflects that. For what it's worth, I'd say the adjectives and adverbs are well-judged.

The one criticism I have is about the shifts between past and present tenses. I realise you're doing this deliberately, for effect, but some of the shifts are a bit erratic - especially when done in the middle of a sentence, like so:

_"He lifts his chin at her prompt as she tightened his scarf..."_

Good luck developing your observational narrative style further. It'll be interesting to see new scenarios through the same lens.

(Oh, and I think you want _discreetly_ rather than _discretely_ there!)


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## Don V Standeford (Dec 9, 2012)

I loved this piece. The speaker is very keen on observation and is able to point out details that matter. What great sensitivity toward human life as well, which shows in this piece you have surpassed technique and are creating art.


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## Ariel (Dec 14, 2012)

"I saw in his demeanour the trials and tragedies of his past have bowed a once proud back."

I had trouble with this upon first read and had to go back and read the sentence again more slowly.  I'm not sure what I'm stumbling on in this sentence but it doesn't flow as well as the rest.


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