# green grass



## Mesafalcon (May 28, 2015)

Never needed nothing
Finding flowers failed
Sailing sailboats sober
Wanting white whales

Pretty placid plains persistently prevailed
Never needed nothing
Finding flowers failed

Breaking my fall with alcohol
Rancid legal wall
 Using happiness as shields
ignorance like swords they wield

Never needed nothing but 
Green grass and golden fields
As far as I can see
As far as eyes can see


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## Firemajic (May 28, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Never needed nothing
> Finding flowers failed
> Sailing sailboats sober  Love this verse! Very nice.. really love the white whale..
> Wanting white whales
> ...





This haves some very nice lines! You certainly have  poetic rhythm, and I like where you are going with this.. Nice bold imagery, I would loved to have seen more...  "Finding flowers failed"...I adore this line, maybe find a way to repeat this throughout your poem? Just a few suggestions, worth exactly what you paid for them..lol.. Keep on writing! I am looking forward to reading more of your work! Thank you for sharing.. Peace...


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## Mesafalcon (May 28, 2015)

It's from a song I wrote 15 years ago... or more ?


thanks for the reply!


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## Sonata (May 28, 2015)

> Never needed nothing but
> Green grass and golden fields
> As far as I can see



I think those are my favourite lines but I would change your final line so it reads



> Never needed nothing but
> Green grass and golden fields
> As far as I can see
> Until eternity


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## Mesafalcon (May 28, 2015)

_Never needed nothing but 
 Green grass and golden fields
 As far as I can see
 Until eternity _


It's a song, I like the way it rolls off the tongue, "as far as eyes can see" after "as far as I can see."

it's one one those lyrics you do a double take on, and then go "_ah, okay. I get it_!"

plus, it's literally about "green grass" so, green grass doesn't last an eternity (I don't think...)


thanks for the reply!


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## Sonata (May 28, 2015)

Yes of course, for a song "as far as eyes can see" would be better.

With green grass not living for eternity, I meant  that you could "see" the green grass and golden fields "until eternity".  To me that fits a poem but as you say, it was originally written for a song, therefore you "read/hear" it differently to the way I do.

But I still like it 

[And I love your avatar!]


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## Mesafalcon (May 28, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Yes of course, for a song "as far as eyes can see" would be better.
> 
> With green grass not living for eternity, I meant  that you could "see" the green grass and golden fields "until eternity".  To me that fits a poem but as you say, it was originally written for a song, therefore you "read/hear" it differently to the way I do.
> 
> ...



It's not totally fair to defend it as a song... it's just been set for years, so, can't really change it now lol.

Ya, that avatar was randomly found. Pretty nice. "Almost" fits my handle name, but looks more like a griphan than a falcon.

Yours is pretty good too!


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## Darkkin (May 28, 2015)

Never needed nothing.  Double negative and being an advocate of proper grammar, for me it doesn't work, but with this piece I can see why you used it.  Also, the triple alliterations, these to me as a reader, are disjointed, almost like you are trying too hard.  Poetry should flow, not jolt.  FM is right when she said: Finding flowers failed is the best line.  It is the only one of the alliteration lines that had a natural cohesive flow.  Keep that line, its alliteration, the others, look at your images.  Hone them, try playing with synonyms and breaking the alliteration patterns.  

You will double the impact of this piece if you sound less like Fox in Sock and more like yourself.  As to the partial rhyme scheme in stanza three, it is out of place, being the only place in the entire piece you try to rhyme.  Like the over alliterations, consider removing it in an edit.  Also, why does stanza two have only three lines instead of four like the other three stanzas?  To me, as a reader, it feels contrived.  The first three lines in the final stanza, are where I finally find your voice.  Don't obfusticate that.  Overall I like the idea, but you are lacking focus.  There are too many things going on for your message to be clear.  Take this piece apart, look at your lines, your images, and your ideal for this poem.  How do they stack up?  There is potential here, let the forum see it.  Looking forward to the edits.

All the best, 

Darkkin, the Tedious


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## Mesafalcon (May 28, 2015)

that's right.

there is absolutely no focus.

the message is just imagining the images in your head basically.

thanks for the reply!


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## musichal (May 28, 2015)

You can break any rules of grammar, punctuation or sentence structure you want as long as it works to elicit feelings or thought in a well-done manner.  It is the difference in using, say, double negatives due to ignorance vs. using them for effect.  Yours were obviously done for effect, and well-done in my opinion.  Having written a few songs myself, I also well understand that what often works best lyrically doesn't necessarily do so poetically, and vice versa. Timing usually differs a good bit due to instrumentation.  I really like your poem.

Sometimes I will have a poetic version a bit different from a sung version, so changes in one don't have to be transcribed to the other, of course.  If you perceive it in such a way it's a little easier to make those changes in the poetic version of a song you've performed for years, but only if you want to do so. 

Nice job.  Thanks for sharing.

[As far as avatars go, I couldn't find anything imaginative so I just snapped a pic of myself.]


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## Sonata (May 29, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Ya, that avatar was randomly found. Pretty nice. "Almost" fits my handle name, but looks more like a griphan than a falcon.
> 
> Yours is pretty good too!



I think you mean Gryphon?  That is the name for gargoyles on things like churches.  Griffons, otherwise know are Griffon Bruxellois, are toy dogs that I used to breed in a former life.  

Your avator is of a gryphon.  Mine is I do not know what except it is purple and heart-shaped, and purple is the colour representing epilepsy.  And my beloved dog lost her fight against epilepsy on 1 April this year but my avatar, which I chose before she had to be euthanised, was in respect of her and all epileptics, be they human or canine.

I like to think it shows love.


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## Nellie (May 29, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Your avator is of a gryphon.  Mine is I do not know what except it is purple and heart-shaped, and purple is the colour representing epilepsy.  And my beloved dog lost her fight against epilepsy on 1 April this year but my avatar, which I chose before she had to be euthanised, was in respect of her and all epileptics, be they human or canine.



Sonata,

I am a human who also has epilepsy and this is the actual avatar representing the Epilepsy Foundation worldwide:





Purple & Red. And November is the month! Some of my poems are about my condition, but mostly about others who have NO clue.

And, Mesafalcon, I agree with musichal. Sometimes when writing one can ignore all rules of grammar because IMO, sometimes life makes NO sense whatsoever, breaking all rules of life!


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## Mesafalcon (May 31, 2015)

Well, Nellie. You sound like someone I would be friends with.

I wish I lived in Denver. Seems like one of the most liberal best places in the world.

And, due to recent laws, seems like the economy is improving and studies show crime rate has dropped! Denver is an example for the world, really.

(talk about of topic... at least its my thread!)


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