# I need a name



## Kryptex (Sep 14, 2012)

I wrote this a while back and I'm going to further it now, as I fancy having another go at writing.

What do you guys think of it? *
France, Paris*
*21:00*


A rusted sign bearing the words 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' swung on a hinge as the high breeze swept through the city of Paris. Harvey turned and tipped his hat toward the empty courtyard. "By whom I wonder?", He pondered, as he waltzed through the iron clad turnstile and smiled to himself. Adorned in a hand-tailored silky white suit, he looked like a self-made billionaire. Which was perfect, as Lord General Michael Harvey, was one of the biggest weapon retailers in South America. He puffed on an illicit Bolívar Cuban cigar, one of the finest manufacturers in the East. He walked quickly towards the vast gateway and paused for comfort. He sighed and moved forward, the gun hidden in the back of his Italian trousers drawn, anticipating a form of hostile treatment. His eyes darted about, years of being alert and aware paying off in this particular moment. He felt perturbed, this was too easy. He realised his mistake and turned, face-to-face with a Remington Model 870 Pump Action shotgun.


*----------------------------------------*​
*England, Central London*
*07:30*
*The Next Morning*


"Exactly what are you planning on doing with $800,000 may I ask?" said Alfonso Cruz, Harvey's accountant. "We can't just hand it out whenever we feel like it, questions asked, enquiries made and all that."
"No I don't think you may. It's my money and I expect you to grant me access to it whenever and wherever I choose. Do not forget what I pay you for and if you can't do the one thing I ask you to . . . Well let's just say there'll be a job vacancy by tomorrow." said Harvey. Cruz sighed and replied, "Very well, but I'm warning you, if the FSA start poking around, there's not a whole lot I can do as you aren't providing me with much information."
"Do I pay you to worry? Just do what I ask, when I ask and everything will be fine." said Harvey, "There are too many creases to iron out without having you to warn me at every turn."


With that, Harvey exited the building, furious at Cruz's persistence. He turned and caught a glimpse of a cop driving past with their not-too-subtle way of looking straight at him. All memories of Cruz faded as Harvey altered his intent. Harvey - being ex-military knew all the tricks of the trade. Which meant he knew that if there was an obvious tail, a team that made it obvious that they were on a mission, then he was being followed by a different team, a team that was hidden and using the latest technology to monitor his every move. He smiled to himself and changed tactics. He glanced at a street sign and saw that he was a half mile from Covent Garden. He smirked and walked quickly - borderline running - down to Covent Garden Market, which was absolutely swarming with tourists and lunchtime workers. Using this to his advantage, he paced down the market and grabbed a hat, scarf and a long overall coat. He proceeded to put the items on as quickly as possible and before long he blended in with the crowd as one. He slowed his pace as to not draw any suspicion to himself and busied himself with the contents of the stalls. Satisfied he had successfully evaded capture, Michael turned towards the sign which told him the way to the nearest tube station.


Michael arrived at Covent Garden Tube Station at nine o'clock, purchasing a ticket with cash rather than card so as to leave no trace. He flashed a perfect smile at the attendant acknowledging her seductive features, all the while reassuring her, he posed no threat. He reached Heathrow Terminal 5 in just under an hour and headed to the private airplane section. He boarded his personal jet destined for warmer climates at quarter past ten on the dot and was underway within half an hour.


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## cwmartz (Sep 24, 2012)

I like this genre and read a lot of it. This has certainly caught my attention and is well written. Because it is well written the phrase "tricks of the trade" stands out even more than it would in a poorly written piece. I don't mean to put words into your piece but something along the lines of "Harvey - being ex-military knew how the game was played" or "Harvey - being ex-military was familiar with standard operating procedure" would be better IMHO.

cwm


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## The Backward OX (Sep 30, 2012)

*



			France, Paris
		
Click to expand...

*


> *21:00*



Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Most stories that start with a location put the city before the country. There’s nothing that says you can’t do it this way but imho it looks better the other way. Next, if you’re going to quote a time, it’s almost essential you also quote a day.



> A rusted sign bearing the words 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' swung on a hinge



I’m fairly certain that the words on the sign were the French equivalent of 'Trespassers will be prosecuted'. Why not give your story a little cosmopolitan flavour by establishing what the French words are, using them, and placing the translation in brackets next?




> as the high breeze swept through the city of Paris.


 We already know it’s Paris; why tell us again? And is the breeze the Mistral? It's famous. If it is, use it.

Harvey turned and tipped his hat toward the empty courtyard. "By whom I wonder?", He pondered, as he waltzed through the iron clad turnstile and smiled to himself. Adorned in a hand-tailored silky white suit, he looked like a self-made billionaire. Which was perfect, as 





> Lord General Michael Harvey


I may be wrong but believe “Lord General” is a title that occurs only in fantasy novels. Research needed.

was one of the biggest weapon retailers in South America. He puffed on 





> an illicit Bolívar Cuban cigar, one of the finest manufacturers in the East.


This says the cigar is one of the finest manufacturers.


He walked quickly towards the vast gateway and paused for comfort. He sighed and moved forward, 





> the gun hidden in the back of his Italian trousers drawn,


A gun is drawn when it is in the user’s hand. I think you may mean cocked.


anticipating a form of hostile treatment. His eyes darted about, years of being alert and aware paying off in this particular moment. He felt perturbed, this was too easy. He realised his mistake and turned, 




> face-to-face with a Remington Model 870 Pump Action shotgun.



I think you mean, to come face-to-face with etc.


It’s late for me. Maybe more tomorrow.


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## Kryptex (Sep 30, 2012)

Thank you Ox, very much indeed.

I plan to smooth all the creases out ASAP.


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## Kryptex (Sep 30, 2012)

cwmartz said:


> I like this genre and read a lot of it. This has certainly caught my attention and is well written. Because it is well written the phrase "tricks of the trade" stands out even more than it would in a poorly written piece. I don't mean to put words into your piece but something along the lines of "Harvey - being ex-military knew how the game was played" or "Harvey - being ex-military was familiar with standard operating procedure" would be better IMHO.
> 
> cwm



Yeah, bit cliche-ey, right?

Thanks for your feedback, very much appreciated


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## turtle0461 (Oct 29, 2012)

Is it just me or does the guy's name change from Harvey to Michael? I get it's the same guy but why call him Harvey and then Michael later on? I'm not gonna lie, I actually thought it was a different guy, but that's not a valid complaint that's just me being stupid 
I'd change "Which was perfect, as Lord General Michael Harvey, was one of the biggest weapon retailers in South America." to Which was perfect, as Lord General Michael Harvey, was one of the biggest weapon retailers in South America." without the comma after Harvey.
Great story.


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## anonick (Nov 6, 2012)

Nice, but yeah it does need a bit of smoothing. I have a few criticisms:

The sentence which begins "Which meant he knew that if there was an obvious tail" goes on for too long. You can split it into two or three, and it won't affect the flow. 

"He smirked and walked quickly - borderline running - " The bordline running spoils the elegance that Harvey has in your telling, I feel. 

The French paragraph needs more elaboration, you give a nice account of the London movements, but the french part feels forced and artificial. You could flesh out the scene, and have enough time for the tension to mount till the Harvey faces the Remington shotgun.


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## smallmarkbooks (Nov 13, 2012)

Sounds intriguing. Hard to say if Harvey is the good guy or the bad guy at this point. Guess we'll find out when that aspect develops. I'd have to agree about expanding the bit in Paris.


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## Vendetta5885 (Dec 3, 2012)

I loved reading it, very intriguing.  I would definitely read more.  And I would try to stay consistent with the name... those darn pesky two first names can be confusing! 

-Colin Kelley


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## Pluralized (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi, and thanks for having me here. Looking forward to interacting with you, and happy to have found this site. 

Thanks for sharing this! I thought it well written, but had a few comments m'self:

 - The suit making the guy look like a "self-made billionaire" left me a bit confused. When I think of billionaires, they don't necessarily wear flashy suits. That point in wealth is so far beyond showy clothing, it just seemed unrealistic. Perhaps that's an unfair critique, but it's how I felt.

 - The "illicit" cigar? Not sure I'd think of a cigar in that fashion when narrating a story, unless the cigar police were on my arse.

 - The "iron clad turnstile" seemed an odd piece of imagery. I have walked through some turnstiles at subway and tube stations in my day, and the only thing I think of is perhaps shiny stainless steel or some such. "Iron" cladding brings to mind rusted, large members of steel. Again, I know this is a bit picky.

 - One thing that jumped out at me was the way the story starts in Paris, takes off to London, (which is cliche in and of itself, but perhaps I'm being an American ass) and then the MC is taking off again in the jet to some mysterious "warmer climate."

 - "Acknowledging" the woman's features would mean glancing down at her chest or doing something overt to let her know you noticed. That made me stumble as well.

 - The "job vacancy by tomorrow" bit left me wishing the MC (billionaire, presumably high powered, also ex-military) would just say "fire your ass!" or something forceful. I don't like tiptoeing around when impact can be made with a few strong words.

Overall, quite enjoyable writing and I'd love to read more of your work. I hope you find my comments helpful, rather than just picky and unreasonable, as I really do wish to help.

-R:smug:


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## Kryptex (Mar 20, 2013)

Thanks all for the feedback, it's been a while since I've been here so, sorry for the late replies. I'll get right to fixing it up as soon as I get home


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## bazz cargo (Mar 22, 2013)

I don't know why this popped up after so long, but, if you are still looking for a name; how about 'Blood And Silk.'


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## Bakslashjack (Apr 2, 2013)

Try not to be obtrusive to your reader. Look for things that have already been established and get rid of them, or change, add, or even reword them to make the telling of something that has already been established, relevant. 
Example: *France, Paris** 21:00* A rusted sign bearing the words 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' swung  on a hinge as the high breeze swept through the city of Paris.

Where is this taking place? Hmmm... I think you get my point.
How about this.
Paris, France 21:00
A rusted sign bearing the words 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' swung  on a hinge as the high breeze swept through the city. 
Where is this taking place? Yap, we are still in Paris. in fact in my opinion more-so.  

"By whom I wonder?", He pondered,

I think you can see again what I'm talking about.

Much luck to you. keep banging away at it.


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## Doc_Thom (Apr 29, 2013)

A couple of odd sentence fragments that would read better together, but otherwise very interesting!


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