# 07-25-05 | Scores



## daniela (Jul 31, 2005)

*Literary Maneuvers*: Travel Sonnet Scores

I have to admit that I wasn't expecting very much of a turn out this time but you guys proved me wrong.  Everyone who tried this challenge deserves a huge, huge round of applause.  Sonnets are hard, even for those who know them well.  I order all of you to indulge in your favourite desert as a reward for all of your efforts.  That goes for the judges too.  This couldn't have happened without you all.

Before I get to the scores, I'd like to thank everyone who put up with my scatterbrained ways for the last two LM competitions.  Depending on when Pawn returns from his vacation, he might be taking back the reins soon.  So, just in case I'm not running the next LM comp, I'll make my exit speech now.


It doesn't really matter who won or lost over the past couple of months.  We came together and did something as a community, which is much more important to me than scores.  Each of you, participants and judges alike,  brought something special to the competitions.  Whether it was a piece of writing, input on the theme (*pokes Aevin*), volunteering loads of time to judge, following the threads and encouraging your fellow members, or keeping me from changing the contest after it's already begun (because I temporarily lost confidence in my idea)...  Well, it's all meant a lot to me.  In the LM forum, one name may be on the threads but in truth, they belong to all of us.  I hope you will have just as much enthusiasm for future competitions and projects.

Thanks for making the Literary Maneuvers competitions such a pleasure to run.  I’ve had a lot of fun.  Maybe next time I’ll try to experience it from the other side. :wink:



Scores time!  The order of reviewers is Farror, ms. vodka (with Gigi scoring the technical aspects), Aevin, then me.  As before, don't forget to scroll down and read the comments.  They're the best part.


Crazy_dude6662: 11 (13, 12, 9, 10)
Farror: NA
Aevin: NA
huni: 16.5 (16, 18, 15, 17)
LoneWolf: 14 (15, 15, 12, 14)
gohn67: 16 (16, 17, 16, 15)
Kelhanion: 12.3 (13, 14, 10, 12)
Eggo: 12.3 (11, 13, 13, 12)
QuintetBlue: 17 (14, 17, 19, 18)
Ilan: 17.3 (18, 18, 15, 18)
Achilles: 18.8 (16, 19, 20, 20)
Philo: 17.3 (18, 20, 14, 17)
Ruben: 11.5 (11, 12, 11, 12)
littlelostboy: 12.3 (13, 13, 11, 12)

*Top Five*


 Achilles (18.8)
 Ilan / Philo (17.3)
 QuintetBlue (17)
 huni (16.5)
 gohn67 (16)


What do you guys think?  Any surprises?  It’s now your turn to comment so let’s hear it. (Don't forget your desserts.)


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## Farror (Aug 1, 2005)

Title: *CRASH*
Author: Crazy Dude6662

Thanks for participating, it's always hard posting first. Your poem had a nice twist to it. The ending came to an abrupt halt, but in a good way. Although you're poem did not exactly follow the exact rules for a sonnet, you had the ryhming pattern correct, as well as the stanza sizes, right down the the rhyming couplet at the end. I wouldn't worry too much about iambic pentameter too much, as relatively few people used it. 

*Score: 13/20*

_____


Title: *The Big Grey Bus*
Author: Huni

First of all, I'm scoring and reviewing your second poem. I have the impression that you want this one to be your entry. Now, your poem itself was quite humorous, and one of the ones I personaly enjoyed the most in this competition. If I could change anything it would be to add a bit more punctuation. A pause here and there can be very effective

*Score: 16/20*

_____

Title: *Down*
Author: Dark Aevin

Hey Aevin! Wonderfully dark poem here. Rather different from alot of what I've read here. Nice read.

*Score: none*

_____

Title: *Road Trip*
Author: Lonewolf

Hey Lonewolf, nice entry. Good to see an entry that follows the rules of a sonnet. My biggest problem (and even now I'm not quite certain if it's a problem or not) is the complete lack of punctuation. I had always thought that a shakespearean sonnet included punctuation, but perhaps I'm wrong. Kudos to you for sticking to the rules, and you chose a fun travel topic. 

*Score: 15/20*

_____

Title: *Where Paradise Is*
Author: gohn67

Hey Gohn, thanks for giving it a shot! I notice that you used even less punctuation than Lonewolf, making me begin to doubt my assumption about punctuation in sonnets. Either way, this is among my favourite entries. One line in particular stood out. "Through cinnamon sands and endless road". Although some of your choices in rhyme where a bit dissapointing, overall I very much enjoyed this poem. Well done. (And funny bit of foolish anguish at the end there!)

*Score: 16/20*

_____

Title: *The Usual Stort By Me and Mrs.*
Author: Kelhanion

Hey Kahalion, very nicely done, excluding a few eleven syllable lines in there. (Look for em' and you'll find them.) My favourite part of this poem was the end. It looks to me like you struggled to get the very last line to work properly, and I personally read it "When lady luck is being a bitch" (I know the syllable count is not ten there.) It just sounds nicer that way. Some of the lines in there are a bit incomprehensible, which is a problem. It looks to me like the ten syllable thing really crippled what you intended to say.

*Score: 13/20*

_____

Title: *Carny*
Author: Eggo

Hey there Eggo. You didn't quite follow the sonnet rules, but your "sonnet the hedge-hog" comment earned a laugh from me. The second I say your title, I knew this would be different from most of the other entries, but unfortunatly, I wasn't terribly fond of this piece. Some of the lines provided a bit of amusement, but overall the quality could be better. I'm sorry to say that this is definatly not one of my favourites.

*Score: 11/20*

_____

Title: *Riff on a Highway*
Author: QuintetBlue

This is not a bad sonnet, far from it. I would have liked to see it seperated into stanzas, but that's just me. There was some clever rhyming in there, and several sophisticated manipluations of iambic pentameter. The topic was not quite about travel, and slightly cliched. I had a few problems with this, but none worth mentioning. Good effort.

*Score:14/20*

_____

Title: *None*
Author: Ilan Bouchard

What? No title? Oh well. I'm not exactly clear on wether tetrameter is allowed in a shakespearean sonnet, but I can't know for sure, so I won't take any points off.  Now, down to brass tacks: Haha! The ending litteraly had me laughing out loud. Nice touch there. The lines in this poem where cleverly maniplulated and smooth. Very nice indeed. Only thing I really disliked was "adhere". Didn't seem right in there, but oh well.

*Score:18/20*

_____

Title:*Time Traveler*
Author: Achilles

Different take indeed. Time travellers, what a fun idea. That being said, some of the rhyming seemed very forced to me. In particular drawn/spawn and beckoning/traveling. I suppose forced is not quite the right word. More like rhyming over meaning in the first case, the second just sounded akward. I would have liked something more like: "And now I see him, he's waving to me/that I might join him, in eternity." I like the second to last stanza in particular, discussing the posibilities of time travel. While this is not my personal favourite, I appreciate your creativity with the topic, and your willingness to take on a difficult poetic form.

*Score: 16/20*

_____

Title: *A Father's Advice*
Author: Philo 

Very good technicaly and pleasing to read. Very nice.

*Score: 18/20 *

_____

Title: *Native...Somewhere Else* 
Author: Ruben 

Hey Ruben. While your entry was not technicaly a sonnet, it is certainly impressive as a first attempt at poetry. There are a few grammatical errors that could be fixed up without much difficulty. Nice try Ruben.

*Score: 11/20 *

_____

Title: *Taxi *
Author: Little Lost Boy 

Try not to make it too obvious that you're writing to get ten syllables, and if you do, then go for an actual ten. Rather humorous, but not one of my favourites.

*Score: 13/20*


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## ms. vodka (Aug 7, 2005)

Okay, firstly I want to give a big thank you to Gigi, who scored the technical aspects of the sonnets for me.  For anyone who is not familiar with Gigi's expertise in the area of the sonnet, here is an example:

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=21585&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

I know this is a bit unconventional, but as I have the highest regard for the people who took the time to write and post these sonnets, I wanted to make sure they would get the type of critique they deserve and an accurate score in relation to level of skill.

Gigi's comments will appear between the parenthesis.

love all,
vodka


Title: *CRASH*
Author: Crazy dude6662

(grammar and spelling were a weak point, but this had good turn and resolution)  Respects for being the first poster.  That takes a bit of bravery.  I thought the ending was a bit predictable, but I liked the element of tragedy nonetheless.

*Score:*  12/20


Title:  *Miffed By Moving*
Author:  Farror

(punctuation suffered a bit, lines 3 and 4 had issues with iambic pentameter) The tone seems to switch up a bit too suddenly for me, weakening the resolution a bit, but a solid piece regardless.

*Score:*  you shall have none!


Title:  *Down*
Author:  Aevin
(would have given this a perfect score if not for the issue of the double hyphen, which I don't understand the need for) I thought this was incredibly well written.  I was very impressed.  Interesting interpretation of the assignment.

*Score:*  none for you!


Title:  *The Grey Bus*
Author:  Huni

(spelling and grammar were perfect, form not quite perfect)  Excellent tone, funny, nice resolution, came across very well.  Nicely done, Huni.

*Score: * 18/20


Title:  *Road Trip*
Author:  LoneWolf

(some issues with iambic pentameter)  This was fun, although it felt like the conclusion could have been a bit stronger and possibly more relevant to the piece as a whole.

*Score:*  15/20


Title:  *Where Paradise Is*
Author:  Gohn

(punctuation is a bit off, line 1 is not iambic pentameter, and also goes to 11 syllables)  I am a sucker for love stories anyway, but I truly think this was well done.  The emotion was strong, but felt real and never got overly sappy.

*Score:*  17/20


Title:  *The Usual Story By Me and Mrs.*
Author:  Kelhanion

(spelling and grammar were excellent, rhyme and iambic pentameter were a bit off)  Good resolution, but I found it a bit confusing and meandering overall.

*Score:*  14/20


Title:  *Carny*
Author:  Eggo

(pretty, but it's not a sonnet)  Sweet, I like the resolution in this, but the overall voice could be stronger.

*Score:*  13/20


Title:  *Riff On A Highway*
Author:  Quintet Blue

(awesome beauty, watch form on lines 3, 6, and 7)  I liked this a lot.  It seemed like a modernized version of the sonnet to me, almost like a ballad, but definitely had a travel feel to it and I thought it worked very well overall.

*Score:*  17/20


Title:  *None*
Author:  Ilan

(you misspelled camaro, and it has no title)  Nicely done.  Excellent tone and resolution, strong voice.  Excellent example of a sonnet, of course, but not your strongest.  I think you know that, though.

*Score:*  18/20


Title: * Time Traveller*
Author:  Achilles

(Dang!  Gigi gave this a perfect technical score!)  Interesting, this is.  Reminds me of a book I just finished.  The resolution?  Was there a resolution?  laughing... a bit odd, yes, but this worked very well in my opinion.

*Score:  *  19/20


Title: * A Father's Advice*
Author:  Philo

(Another perfect technical score from Gigi)  This is an excellent example of a sonnet.  I can't imagine how it could be improved on in any way.

*Score:*  20/20


Title:  *Native...Somewhere Else*
Author:  Ruben

(many incorrect technical aspects)  Although this is not really a sonnet, it is an excellent first attempt at poetry, truly.  I am not just saying that.  Also, it should be known that Ruben's first language is not English, and he actually taught himself English, I believe he said by watching The Simpsons... lol.  Ruben, at 14 if you keep writing poetry you could be an excellent poet in just a few years.  I hope you do.

*Score:  *  12/20


Title:  *Taxi*
Author:  Little Lost Boy

(syllable count off, grammer is compromised in some points to force syllable count)  This was funny, I thought, although the grammar in some spots took away from the overall strength of the piece.  I realize some of this was intentional, but some of it was not.  The ending was amusing.

*Score:*  13/20


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## Aevin (Aug 8, 2005)

[an:7a6d29528b]Great job to all the participants--please don't take the scores too seriously.  Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
--Aevin[/an:7a6d29528b]

Title:  *Crash*
Author:  Crazy dude6662

Not one of my favorites, unfortunately.  There was a bright spot of emotion in the middle of the poem, when the speaker is searching desperately searching for his love, but you could have started in the beginning by setting up this emotion using more powerful imagery and vocabulary.  The ending had the same feel as, "And then a giant meteor struck us," and I tend to frown on such "surprise" endings.  The biggest thing was the lack of consistency in meter--something that's fairly important for the sonnet form.  All the same, thanks for attempting such a daunting challenge!

Score:  *9/20*

Title:  *Miffed by Moving*
Author:  Farror

A decent attempt, Farror.  It was almost flawless in the sonnet form (the fourth line is questionable; most do not pronounce the word "every" with three syllables), and for that, I cheer for it.  However, I feel like your talent could have been put to better use.  This one was a little too bland and normal, a little too forgettable.  At the same time, you've got some pretty decent moving imagery--just none that interested me a great deal.  Sorry ....

Score:  *N/A*

Title:  *Down*
Author:  Aevin

This, unfortunately, was my least favorite out of the whole lot.  Your meter was clunky, your rhymes waaay too obvious.  But worst of all, your entire theme was not only uninteresting, but only fit the challenge by a far stretch of imagination.  You tried--unsuccessfully--to project the very heart of darkness, but the awkwardness of your wording made the poem almost illedgible, and I could barely get through it, much less respond emotionally.  Lastly, the central metaphor behind the poem was too direct and obvious for anyone to truly enjoy.  I'm just not into darkness--or M-dashes--as much as you obviously are.  Maybe you'd better stick to fiction.

Score:  *0/20* :lol: 


Title:  *The Grey Bus*
Author:  huni

Ha!  An interesting sonnet, to be sure.  I loved the first stanza, and while the rest of the poem lagged just a little by comparison to this delightfully nasty intro, it was all fun to read.  You did a nice job of using the form to tell a story, instead of forcing a story to fit the form.  The third stanza, I think, was the weakest one--I had a little trouble understanding what it was saying, though it was still very fun with the words.  Excellent job overall, huni.

Score: *15/20*


Title:  *Road Trip*
Author:  LoneWolf

The first two lines were awesome, first of all.  However, several other parts of the poem lagged a bit.  It felt at times like you were grasping for words and rhymes, that you were filling in space to fit the sonnet requirements of rhyme and meter.  Still, you've done a good job capturing the excitement of a summer road trip, and your sonnet form is apparently flawless, so I can't fault you too much.  Also, you used puntuation to great effect.  Good job overall, though this one lags a bit.

Score:  *12/20*


Title:  *Where Paradise Is*
Author:  Gohn67

Neato.  I liked this a lot.  The imagery of the person on the motorcycle was absolutely beautiful--I don't even know how you did it.  The voice for this poem was absolutely perfect.  Unfortunately, there were some problems with syllable counts--not a strong point of yours, considering it's the same thing that happened in your last poem.  You do, however, have a sense for the iambs that a lot of others didn't.  I don't know if you intended this, but it's possible to interpret this, not as a man kissing his girlfriend's sister, but a SISTER offending her sister by kissing her.  No, I'm not a sicko; that's really in there--whether you intended it or not.

Score:  *16/20*


Title: *The Usual Story By Me and Mrs.*
Author:  Kelhanion

In its almost indecipherable absurdity, this poem was a delight to read.  Unfortunately, the technical aspects of sonnet-writing were especially weak.  You twisted the language to make it fit the meter, yet still miscounted syllables on certain lines.  I did love the part about the counterweights, and the final two lines were fun.  But the problem is, much as I enjoyed it, I can't score the poem very high.

Score:  *10/20*


Title:  *Carny*
Author:  eggo

A fun poem to read, but its meter was so variable I have trouble thinking of it as a sonnet.  Also, it's filled with a few errors--the most notable ocurring in the final line, where I think you meant "dispense" (as in, "hand-out,") instead of "dispatch."  I did really like the tone of the poem, but that and the high-level vocabulary weren't enough to outweigh the other flaws.  I loved your previous two entries so much, I couldn't help but be disappointed, but I guess you can't be on ALL the time.

Score:  *13/20*


Title:  *Riff on a Highway*
Author:  QuintetBlue

Nice!  The tone was magnificent!  I was so pulled into the poem I couldn't really watch the rhyme and meter.  Off hand, I remember a few times where the iambic pentameter faltered, but it was never very noticeable.  This called up images of a hitchhiker, reclining under a bridge over a busy highway at midnight, scribbling poetry  while waiting for some kind stranger to offer him a ride.  Beautiful!  It really sparked my imagination!  Heh.  One point off for not putting the correct French accents on déjà vu. :roll:  Awesome job, QuintetBlue!

Score:  *19/20*


Title:  *Some Kinda Poem About a Car*
Author: Ilan_Bouchard

Ilan!  You know how anal I am about titles!!!  And TETRAMETER?!  What were you THINKING?!  -20 for those two errors alone!! ...  Just kidding.  Personally, I don't believe this was one of your best sonnets, though it was very fun to read.  I loved the "punchline" at the end, very funny, but I didn't feel the language you used created a voice suitable for this theme.  You experimented with the way the language fit the meter, which sometimes looked like an expert at work, and sometimes grew a little too confusing and jerky.  Still, a good, enjoyable sonnet.  ...  And I did subtract one point for the missing title.  In short, this was fun, but I know you can do a lot better.

Score:  *15/20*


Title: *The Time Traveller*
Author:  Achilles.

 :shock: Whoa ...  I'm almost speechless with awe.  That sonnet was absolutely amazing!  My only critique seems utterly pathetic--there should have been a comma after "Oh" in the first line, and after "future" in the 11th.  But your spectacular use of punctuation elsewhere--including exclamation points, M-dashes, and apostrophes for missing syllables slurred for the rhythm--far outweighs these minor specks.  Really, this is a poem you should really be proud of--the best I've read in awhile--and for your obvious effort you've earned the first perfect score I've ever given.  Bravo!   =D> 

Score:  *20/20*


Title:  *On Travel*
Author:  Philo

Pretty good.  I think my biggest critique is that this is just not my thing.  The tone was perfect, the punctuation flawless, the sonnet form followed very well ...  And yet I didn't like this one all that much.  Sorry ...  It's nothing but my own personal preferences in literature; I think others could absolutely love this one.  So ...  Great job, but I can't enjoy it too much myself.

Score:  *14/20*


Title:  *Native ...  Somewhere Else*
Author:  Ruben

Interesting poem to read.  For your first shot at poetry, this wasn't bad at all.  The rhyme scheme was pretty good--didn't come across obtrusive, and all the rhymes seemed fairly natural.  However, your meter varied a lot.  The syllable counts for the lines were seemingly random.  As for the subject matter ...  You did hit on some good emotions, but the voice could use significant work.  I also think punctuation might have been used to greater effect.

Score:  *11/20*


Title:  *TAXI*
Author:  littlelostboy

DAMN YOU AND YOUR INSUFFERABLY ADORABLE USERNAME!!!  Really?  Only six posts?  Do you only come here for the poetry contests, or what?  Who are you?  :wink:  Anyway ...   Your poem was a delight to read, and I really liked the ending.  Still, I feel like a lot more could have been done to make it a little more affecting.  The basic idea was a winner, I just would have liked to see a little more done in the execution. ...  Plus one for the cuteness of your username.  :roll:

Score:  *12/20*


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## daniela (Aug 8, 2005)

[an:35d604d4a6]  I didn’t post my own scores and comments!  So much for a graceful exit.  Thanks for the reminder, Ruben.[/an:35d604d4a6]

Title: *CRASH*
Author: Crazy_dude6662

I'd like to thank you for jumping right into each challenge so far and being open to trying new things.  It takes guts to do always be first, especially when we ask you to do something you're not very familiar with.   
Now, on to the sonnet.  Your newer version is much better although you still didn't quite follow the rules.  Keep working on your rhythm and grammar.  You never know when we might do sonnets again.  Besides, it helps keep the mind sharp.

Score: *10/20*


Title: *Miffed by Moving*
Author: Farror

Not bad.  You obviously know what you're doing.  I would have liked to see you push this a little and either make it more serious (depressing or wistful, something) or really have a go at making it humorous.  Right now, it's kinda in the middle for me. Still, your rhymes were enjoyable and the imagery was great.  Next time be a little wicked.

Btw, I'll never ever believe what you said in that last line.

Score: *we'll talk later*


Title: *Down*
Author: Aevin

Figures you'd take my nice innocent theme to such dark depths.  I wouldn't say I loved this (I'm normally drawn to lighter poems) but I can appreciate good writing, which this is.  Who knew the dude who writes about fiery rivers could do poems too?  I should have suspected you could though.

Score: *a thumbs up for the good imagery and flawless execution but a thumbs down for bumming me out a little* :wink:


Title: *The Grey Bus*
Author: huni

This one gave me a good chuckle - just what I needed after Aevin's sonnet.  Overall, you did a nice job.  You lost me at the third stanza.  I was expecting another snarky vignette of one of the passengers.  But you saved yourself at the end of the sonnet with that conclusion.  I don't suppose we could get you to write more of these, could we?

Score: *16/20*


Title: *Road Trip*
Author: LoneWolf

I'm really glad you stepped outside of your comfort zone to give this a try, LoneWolf.  Some of the lines were good but a lot of this sonnet seemed (I hate saying it this way) forced.  I think you concentrated too much on the form this time instead of trying to find less predictable rhymes.  Now that you've got that part down, though, I hope you'll try more.  I've always wanted to see someone fit the word "squirrel" into a sonnet (without using obvious rhymes, like girl).

Score: *14/20*


Title: *Where Paradise Is*
Author: gohn67

I think it was a really good idea that you did a practice sonnet first.  Even though you didn't get the iambic pentameter quite right in some places, this is better than your last LM poem.  However, I think by skipping the punctuation you missed out on an opportunity to amp up the emotion of this sonnet.  I hope you participate the next time we do a poem challenge.  

Score: *15/20*


Title: *The Usual Story By Me And Mrs.*
Author: Kelhanion

I'm glad you had fun, Kelahanion.  And yes, this was an amusing read.  If I could score you based on that alone I would (I'm sure by now you all know I have a bias towards the humorous and/or wicked pieces).  Your syllable count was off in places (like the second line) and some of your rhymes didn't match up quite right (like cruise and truce).  I did find it interesting that they do work if you say cruise with a bit of a Spanish or maybe Cuban accent (i.e. Ricky Ricardo).  I'm an American, though, and I'd like those words to rhyme when I say them normally 'cause if I hadn't played a certain song while reading your sonnet, I might never have noticed.

I hope you bring your lovely sense of humor to the next comp.

Score: *12/20*


Title: *Carny*
Author: eggo

Congratulations!  You're the first member at WF to cause me to look up a word in the dictionary.  Not even Pen with her awe-inspiring vocabulary has done that in the year-plus I’ve been here.  Granted I had heard azimuth in Earth Science way back when but I just couldn't remember what it meant.  

In terms of a regular poem, your word choices would have been excellent.  But I did ask for a sonnet so this time I must take off points for the rhythm of yours not being consistent.

Score: *12/20*


Title: *Riff on a Highway*
Author: QuintetBlue

Where have you been hiding?  You may not have written a _perfect_ sonnet, but I assure you dear sir (or is it miss?) that you can write sonnets.  Your iambs seem to be off in line three and I think there was one other place where you had some difficulty staying true to the form.  It's hard to tell though because all the lines are bunched up together.  Technical stuff aside, I really enjoyed reading this.  My favorite line was number eight, "Burned your bridges and the sadness you hid."

Score: *18/20*


Title: *None* :shock:
Author: Ilan

Just had to stretch the limits of my knowledge, didn't you?  You’re lucky I was good at geometry and thus didn't have to look tetrameter up.  I wouldn't be in such a charitable mood towards you if I had been forced to resort to a dictionary.  One member doing this is excusable but two in the same comp? Inconceivable! 

Oops, I'm supposed to be talking about the sonnet.  Quite simply, I loved it.  But you didn't follow my directions about what form of the sonnet to use.  I'm a control freak so I'll have to take three points away; however, you can have one back because you used "ass" and "gas" in your last two lines.

Score: *18/20*


Title: *Time Traveler*
Author: Achilles

I was hoping someone would do a sonnet with a sci-fi take on the theme.  Your sonnet could almost be religious too.  I don't know what else to say really.  My favourite bit was the second, third, and forth lines.  

You know, I honestly didn't expect to hand out a perfect score this time but you earned one.

Score: *20/20*


Title: *On Travel*
Author: Philo

This was a tad on the dry side for me but otherwise it is a solid piece.  I tend to prefer poems that don't make me reflect on what I did or didn't do with my life.  I can't bear the staggering amount of introspection that several readings of your sonnet would cause.  I and many of my dimwitted classmates could benefited from hearing this at our graduation.

Score: *17/20*


Title: *Native... somewhere else*
Author: Ruben

This is not a sonnet but it is still a pretty decent poem.  Keep going and explore the various forms.  If you put your mind to it you might get quite good.  Not too many people are brave enough to share their first poem so thanks for letting us have a look.

Score: *12/20*


Title: *TAXI*
Author: littlelostboy

Does the Mad Hatter curse?  I can't remember.  It doesn't matter though; I'm sure someone, somewhere, has created a version that does.  Back to the judging.

It's a neat idea but you could have executed the sonnet better.  I think you forced it, like LoneWolf did.  (Bear with me, this next bit is going to sound a little stupid.)  You sacrificed the flow to conform to the form.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out.  You have cool ideas, though, so I hope you'll keep experimenting with sonnets.  

Score: *11/20*





Edit: Typos, typos, and more typos!  Now I'm definitely not getting that graceful exit.


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## Ruben (Aug 8, 2005)

Oh, I didn't know about the syllables... Sorry ^.^;

It seems also that I have made quite some mistakes (grammatical wise) and I need some big improvements there.

Well, I'm happy that I got trough with an astonishing 11,5 

I want to thank you all: Daniela, Farror, Jen & Aevin (AND GIGI of course ) for your great comments.

But Jen: Sorry  My heart lies upon stories (although I’m not much better their either), I'm not at home in poetry  But I'll write the occasional poetry whenever you crave for it  I won’t give up on it.

I realise that my score is far from great, but then again, I just recently wrote my first story and this is my first poem, so I’m definitely not discouraged 

After all, practise makes perfect 

Thanks once more everybody!  Great job! I admire the time and work you have invested in this

BTW: Your welcome Daniela


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## Achilles (Aug 8, 2005)

Yippee! I don't know what to say...first?

Thanks to everyone for judging these--there was some great stuff up there. Daniela, making everyone try their hand at sonnets was a great idea for a literary maneuver. I probably wouldn't have gained much of an interest for sonnets if it wasn't for this, so kudos for that.

I found the critiques far greater than the winning, and I will use them for further writings. Thanks!

Achilles


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## Kelhanion (Aug 8, 2005)

Thanks to the judges for giving your opinions!

It seemed like I fell to the same thing that so many times before: when trying to build the ultimate rhyme my sentences tend to become clumsy and unreadable. In English it's even worse because then I have the urge to use the most complex structures I can think of just to show off  Result = mess. You should see some of my English essays: it seemes that I have tried to imitate the style of a intellectuel shakespearean scientist with a very comprehensive dictionary.

Daniela, thanks for pointing out that "truce" and "cruise" don't rhyme. "Truce" is quite a new word for me and I thought it was pronouced like "cruise" (funny that you say that it could be somewhat okay the exact opposite way  ) I looked the words up in an online dictionary and they had sound samples, so now I think I know the difference.

Then again I found out just about a year ago that "surprise" isn't spelled "suprise" as I had thought for years and years.


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## LoneWolf (Aug 8, 2005)

I have already rewarded myself with an icecream cone, and now that my sadness has been smothered by the melty goodness of vanilla and chocolate, I will now comment  :lol: 

Thank you to all the judges once again for your hard work!!! I think all the judges were dead on with their comments. I kind of read over it and found my sonnet to be forced and such. I was probably concentrating/ getting angry at the same time lol...but maybe one day I'll try sonnets again. Maybe. Thanks again! You all rock out loud! 

LW


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## daniela (Aug 8, 2005)

Not a problem, Kelhanion.  When I was a lot younger, I had trouble with pronunciations too - and English is my first language!  I can't imagine how hard it must be for those coming to it as a second, third, or even fourth language.  If it wasn't for the location you listed, I wouldn't have even suspected that English is not your native tongue.  So if you can fool this stubborn American, you must be doing something right.

Btw, when looking up words on the internet, don't forget check out the written pronunciation too.  Seeing that the entry for truce ends in an s and the one for cruise ends in a z may help you remember easier.  (trüs, krüz)


LoneWolf:  You had better try them again.  I told you I wanted to see a sonnet with a squirrel in it and I think you're the one who should write it. :wink:


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## eggo (Aug 8, 2005)

First off, I would like to thank all of the judges. The time it takes to score, and average out the scores, let alone write a blurb about each one that has something positive, is awe inspiring.

That was my first sonnet, albeit so horrible it didn't even meet the minimum qualification. I thought that a nice story about a young man who runs the merry-go-round falling in love with the human cannon woman was a shoe in.  As far as I am concerned, a meter belongs in a taxi cab.

Well it's off to the sonnetorium, 

I'll be traveling at super sonnet speed

and Give me a hot dog with extra onions sonnet.

Still can't resist.


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## LoneWolf (Aug 8, 2005)

Oh, alright daniela! I shall try again, and add the word squirrel, because I am curious as to what I can think up. How about 'unfurl'?  :lol:


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## Ilan Bouchard (Aug 8, 2005)

Dethroned by Achilles (in my own specialty no less), who barely learned how to write a sonnet two weeks ago.
Bah!  I may not have put much effort into this one, but it... hurts...

Just kidding.  Good show Achilles, as well as everyone else.

Thank you judges (even you Aevin, who just HAD to penalize another point for the lack of title :evil:  :wink: ), and thank you everyone who submitted for the enjoyable reading.


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## Philo (Aug 8, 2005)

Thanks to daniela for running the show. Good job! Thanks too to Aevin, Farror and the Wonder Twins for your time, insight and thoughtful criticism.

Congratulations to Achilles. Excellent!

I can't believe I'm in there next to Ilan! [Makes me want to grab you around the shoulder and ask someone to take our picture Ilan.] My first sonnet by the way and its because of LM; what a wonderful idea.

As to the comments about my poem's dryness or general lack of pizzazz: that’s exactly what I struggled with. If I read this to my kids I would definitely be met with a resounding "BOOOOrrrriiiiing!" [probably followed by gagging noises, eye rolling that would make Linda Blair proud, and falling on the floor.]

My sincere thanks to everyone who submitted and helped with the reviewing and congratulations to all. -Philo


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## Penelope (Aug 9, 2005)

I have to say I'm pleased with the scoring results.  Probably because I've had problems with figuring out the IP and am really thrilled to see that the ones I liked best were appropriate sonnets.  

Philo - one of the reasons I was so taken with your sonnet was because it was controlled.  I didn't find it boring at all.  Quite the opposite.  

Ilan - if I'd been scoring, you'd have lost a lot more points because of no title.


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## Penelope (Aug 9, 2005)

Gigi I have no intentions of entering or judging these events.  After going through the LitOrg 'write off' fall out (three times) I'm staying well clear of such things.  I know the forums is a different place but I'd just prefer remaining where I am comfortable.  

I am pleased that it was decided to stick with sonnets instead of broadening the field though.  The calibre of the submissions was spectacular.


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## Ilan Bouchard (Aug 9, 2005)

Philo: Do we each get our own recliners, or does one of us sit on the other's lap?
What a photogenic duo we are.



			
				Penelope said:
			
		

> Ilan - if I'd been scoring, you'd have lost a lot more points because of no title.



Humph.  Shakespeare never named any of his sonnets.  I bet you wouldn't have taken any points from him.
If you must have a name, then it's called "Sonnet 39."
Now can I have my points back? :wink:


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## Penelope (Aug 9, 2005)

Hah!  You are comparing yourself to Shakespeare?  It's a moot point anyway Ilan.


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## Ilan Bouchard (Aug 9, 2005)

I'm comparing my poetic approach of this writing form to that which Shakespeare used as well.
It's not moot!  I demand a re-score! :evil:


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## ms. vodka (Aug 9, 2005)

:roll:


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## Penelope (Aug 9, 2005)

Ilan Bouchard said:
			
		

> I'm comparing my poetic approach of this writing form to that which Shakespeare used as well.
> It's not moot!  I demand a re-score! :evil:



Okay - you get a two point penalty for misconduct.  happy now?


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## Ilan Bouchard (Aug 9, 2005)

Yes...  

I was just joking, in case 'twas not obvious.


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## Philo (Aug 10, 2005)

Ilan, sounds like sitting in laps is the popular vote. And I think you're right about us being photogenic, we've got most of a face between us.

Pen and Gigi, thanks for the kind words. Controlled does sound better than dry. But either way, I think my kids would yawn. [smiles]

Everyone on? Hit the recline button and say cheese! [so... smiles again] -Philo


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## daniela (Aug 10, 2005)

Philo: I bet you in a few years - I’m 23 now - your sonnet won't seem so dry to me.  And when your kids get a little older, they will probably come to appreciate it too.


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## QuintetBlue (Aug 10, 2005)

Wow. I can't believe I'm in the top five. Thanks, everyone. Next sonnet, I'll have to watch the meter better, and remember to accent letters...and I speak French, too. Congratulations, everyone else. 
Oh, and daniela, it's miss.   


QB


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## huni (Aug 13, 2005)

Well! what a lot happened while I was away. Just got back from my holiday and found it was all over. Thank you, to all the judges - what an amazing effort from you all. I loved this comp., learned heaps and really enjoyed the other sonnets. Achilles I am so glad my  favourite poem won. Congratulations to us all: for doing a first sonnet, for doing our first poem and putting it here, for  being so gracious (as judges and contestants) and for joining in a making this a fun, learning LM  huni


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## daniela (Aug 13, 2005)

If I didn't count the weeks wrong, the next one should be on Aug 22.


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## littlelostboy (Aug 15, 2005)

Hello. This reply is for Dark Aevin, s/he asked on why I only wrote 6 posts so far, the reason is that i was working on a story and am posting it onto another forum. I did not really have anytime to post for this forum (apologies) though I will post some more poems. 
As for the critics, thanks for your advice, I'll think about what you people said or wrote.


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