# The basement - horror. 520 words



## Mike_550 (Dec 4, 2014)

This is a story about the horrors of life. Any thoughts, comments or critique appreciated. 

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 Lisa fumbled and cursed at the boiler controls. It was growing dark outside and the chill of the air circulated around her heels. A dial clicked as she turned it. A flame flashed then went off. The old boiler remained static refusing to spring into life and heat this old Victorian house. She wiped her hands on the jasmine coloured dress she was wearing. Lisa glanced over her shoulder to the top of the stairs.  


 "Get back in the basement Lisa. You will learn". Lisa shuddered. Her stepfathers cold voice seemed to resonate around her head. Her husband would be home from work soon. He would fix this boiler and remind her that her stepfather was just a figure of the past. She loved her husband dearly. Lisa sighed and turned around. The vague light from an overhead bulb flickered and went out. Lisa panicked. The light returned. Lisa and her partner had recently moved into the the old house and had major plans for modernisation. Lisa stepped forward and banged into a large box of crockery. She cursed.  


 “You will do as your told. Get back in the basement.” Lisa spun around and looked up the stairs to the basement entrance. She let out a sigh and told herself she was stupid and the old man was hundreds of miles away. Her husband would take her mind off things and suggest a date night. Perhaps a trip to the cinema or a local steakhouse. She walked towards the staircase then stopped. How could she let the stress of the house move and everything get to her so badly? She turned around and thought she would make another attempt at turning the boiler on.  


 “Get back in the basement and think about what you have done.” Lisa pressed switches and turned dials. The solitary confinement in this dark basement brought back a slew of unpleasant memories. Her childhood. Thick dark bushy eyebrows, callous skin and a stare of hatred loomed large in her mind as she thought of her stepfather.  


 “You’ll never learn. Get back in the basement.” No matter how much she reasoned, how much she pleaded her behaviour resulted in a trip to the basement daily. The boiler creaked as Lisa pounded it in frustration. She wasn't going to let this situation get the better of her. She would turn on the boiler, forget about her stepfather and return to her dress making session. Distant cries from an infant unsettled Lisa. Her child was upstairs unattended.  


 Lisa yelled. “I will be there soon Tommy”. She cursed the boiler again. The years of psychological torment weighed heavy on her shoulders. In defeat Lisa shrugged and headed up the basement stairs. A flood of light made her eyes squint. Just how long had she been down there? She quickened her pace and went to her sons room.


 A child of three was near the doorway to his room on his knees, saliva dripping from his mouth. He cried “Mama.”  


 Lisa stood straight, clenched her fists and scowled.  


 "Get back in your room Tommy".  


 Tommy trembled.  


 The end.


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## Higurro (Dec 5, 2014)

I liked it very much and thought the pacing was good, the characters and premise interesting and the setting believable. There were a few little spelling/punctuation errors, which I'm sure you can spot easily. I would suggest a couple of hyphens for "jasmine-coloured" and "dress-making", just because I personally think they make it a touch more readable. There was only really one area that I'd do again and that was the second paragraph.

You're very good for the most part at the old "showing, not telling" rule, but I felt 





> She loved her husband dearly.


 stuck out a bit. I'm sure this won't be a problem for some people though, so I'd be interesting to hear what the others think. 

The main problem I had with this paragraph (and with the third, to a lesser extent) is that it reads a bit like stage directions:

*Scene 1. A Basement*

_Lisa sighs and turns around. Light from overhead bulb  flickers and goes out. Lisa panics. Light returns. _

*Narrator (Voice over):* Lisa and her  partner had recently moved into the the old house and had major plans  for modernisation.

_Lisa steps forward and bangs into large box of  crockery._

*Lisa:* Curse!

Well, you get the idea. Sorry I can't be more specific than that - hopefully you can see the point I'm rather uselessly driving at.


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## InnerFlame00 (Dec 5, 2014)

The overall concept is good, although the flow is a bit stop and go.  For example, this sentence: 



> The vague light from an overhead bulb flickered and went out. Lisa  panicked. The light returned.



It's too choppy, it needs to be more flowing like "Lisa panicked until the light returned." that way there is no need for two very short sentences. I feel like some things could be moved around for better flow as well as taking better advantage of the setting.  For example, the light flickers out for a moment but then comes on immediately.  This is a missed opportunity, especially because demons come to haunt us even more in the dark.

 The light could go out, she could the run into the crockery, curse, and then her memory could pipe up: 

"You will do as your told. Get back in the basement.” Lisa spun around and looked up the stairs to the basement entrance.  For a split second she could swear a shadowy figure loomed over her there, but then the light flickered back on. She let out a sigh and told herself she was stupid and the old man was hundreds of miles away.

I like the idea, how abuse perpetuates, and you highlighted it well here.


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## Mike_550 (Dec 6, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback. I've looked at a new piece and think it could do with more work to make it flow better.


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## Optiluiz (Dec 11, 2014)

This was quite different from what I was expecting, but it was a great story nonetheless! The implied backstory was the best part, in my opinion.

The only real fault I could find in it was maybe the ending. I think it could be fleshed out a little more so it comes with a bigger impact. In any case, I really liked it, so keep on writing!


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## Mike_550 (Dec 15, 2014)

Many thanks for the encouraging comments Optiluiz. Perhaps the ending could be better.


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## Scrivadonna (Dec 15, 2014)

Mike _550,


I like your concept; the idea that the abuse suffered by the protagonist has become a cycle, being revisited upon her son through her unwitting neglect. I also like how she relates to her surroundings in the basement and is continuously reminded of an unpleasant past-- very Poe-like.


InnerFlame00 mentioned "choppiness," and in regard to that I think you have a choice whether you want to combine several ideas into fewer sentences or perhaps put them into different paragraphs to slow the reader down. A lot of writers do that when they intentionally want a slower pace. It's up to how you envision it, of course.


To make the ending feel less abrupt, I would suggest mentioning her child earlier in the story to set up the expectation for the reader. Also, I was wondering if it's necessarily important to mention her husband at all (just food for thought)?


More details about the nature of the abuse would be interesting; consider how "scary" you really want it to be. There are a lot of opportunities here!


Great start!


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## Nixrp (Dec 20, 2014)

Jesus it was great, the description, pace, everything. Sent chills down my spine.


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## TKent (Dec 20, 2014)

Enjoyed this one!


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## EBKMSC (Dec 22, 2014)

i agree with most everybody else, and "She loved her husband dearly" definitely doesn't fit in that paragraph, also you say Lisa like 6 times in that same paragraph, which seems too repetitive.


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## SwitchBack (Dec 23, 2014)

A bit too repetitive, however, it has a nice fold to it. Most abuse victims become abusers in their own way.


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## SethVonDoom (Apr 30, 2015)

Well done but needs to be tweeked just a little, your wording needs to be a bit more diverse.


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## pgbthewriter (May 1, 2015)

A good story, I like the back story side of it.


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## kbsmith (Jun 17, 2015)

_I like it a lot._ You represented your idea with great panache. 

On the negative, A few language burps in there: I saw a your instead of you're. Some missing commas don't bother me all that much. "the flame went off" confused me for a moment. Not a big fan of 'growing dark' but that's just personal preference.

To agree with the others, the abused become the abusers become abused by their abusing. I like it. Write a bunch more short flash stories with similar weight and put out a book collection.


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## jambleshiroshima (Sep 1, 2015)

Words can hardly express how great of a story I think this is. The ending was a surprising twist, even though the words she uttered were actually quite normal. If my mother had told me to get back in my room when I was three years old, I wouldn't think anything of it. But what you've implied here, at least how I perceive it, gives it a much darker meaning and I absolutely love it. A couple annoying corrections if you don't mind:



> Her stepfathers cold voice


 - Don't hate me for this picky criticism please! I'm only assuming that it should be a possessive "stepfather's", rather than the apostrophe-less word "stepfathers".



> modernisation


 - Should be "modernization", yeah?



> No matter how much she reasoned, how much she pleaded her behaviour resulted in a trip to the basement daily.


 - I know what you're trying to convey here, but with the err in sentence structure it takes a little unnecessary thought to get there.

Now, things I loved! (These things certainly outweigh the bad):

The repetition at the beginnings of the middle paragraphs makes for a constantly intense mood. This piece shows understanding of the human psyche and I can really appreciate the great humanity that you've conveyed here. The short syntax, I felt, added to the shared distress between character and reader, which is so very important with a story like this. Whether you did it by accident or on purpose, it's a really great thing to practice, so props to you!

Anyway, that's all of what I have to say about this story. Overall, it's really really good, and don't beat yourself up over the little things that you may have messed up on!

Good luck with all that you do!


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## Björn U. B. (Sep 29, 2015)

I really enjoyed it. It was really smart how you used the stepfather's voice repetitively and only unfolded the whole story slowly, using Lisa's reflections about the past. The ending also works. You closed the circle nicely by indicating that Lisa reflects the cruelties that she experienced in her own childhood on her son Tommy. I think you could very well expand the whole thing into something bigger.


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