# The White Rose



## 32rosie (Jul 20, 2010)

Although thick on the ground, snow continued to  fall. But slowly, like graceful white ladies,  careful not to land the wrong way in fear of  embarrassing themselves. 

   Dariane wrapped the  soft, wool scarf around her neck a third time, and slipped a pair of  mittens over her milky white hands. She made  sure that everything was snug, took a deep breath, and walked through  her front door into a white wonderland. Romeo  waited for her outside, thumping his foot at her arrival. She picked him  up and held him close. How a bunny could survive such cold weather was  beyond her. If not for his thumping, she would have never seen him, for  he matched the snow quite perfectly. 

   As she  looked up, she saw a small white envelope  attached to the branch of her favorite tree by a  red satin string. She put Romeo down and reached for the  envelope, examining the red seal that kept it  shut. It was of a rose; a white  rose on a red seal. She slid her finger under the seal and broke it, pulling out a piece of pitch  black paper. Written in beautiful cursive it read:

Dariane, my dear, you  have only some time until I find you. Do what you will, but I will be  there to claim my prize.

   She dropped the  note, and it fell to the ground almost as  slowly as the newly fallen snow. Even in her  heavy wool coat, Dariane felt a chill ripple through her body. Her hair  was lifted away from her neck, the wind  caressing it. Although it wasn't the wind that had  lifted her hair, but a hand. A hand colder then any snow storm. It slid  it's way from her neck, down her back, and finally around her waist. 

   "Hello, Dariane." He said, drawing out every word. "Did you miss me?"  He asked. His voice was like silk, smooth and romantic.

   "Go away."  She said, through gritted teeth. He slid in front of her, moving his  hand back to her neck.

   "My dear I gave you what you have." He said. "Don't you love me?" He  grinned, taking the conversation as nothing but  a fun way to pass the time.

   "I hate you."  She whispered. 

   "Quite the contrary, you love me, don't you?"  He said, taking his hand off her neck. "Say it." He said, pulling her so  close, she could smell his moldy, rotten breath. 

   "Never." She  said, spitting in his face. He threw her to the  ground.

   "Tell me you love me. I've given you everything!" 

   Dariane  stood up, but tripped over her own feet and landed on the  ground again. He laughed at her, his voice like a  lullaby. He glided over to her, then knelt down, putting his hand  behind her head and lifting it off the ground.

   "Only you, love, would put yourself in this situation." He said, grinning. 

   His head moved to her neck so fast, she hadn't even felt what had just  happened. He was gone, and she was dying. Blood trickled from her neck  like a fountain, spilling onto the snow and  staining it red. Small rubies shimmered on the  ground, just waiting to be licked up. And if one was to see this puddle,  they might think their eyes were deceiving them. For only a moment did  her blood form some sort of a shape. And none other was that shape, then  the mark of the vampire  who had just killed her. A snow white rose set into a blood red seal.


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## Neilson Black (Sep 8, 2015)

Nice characters here


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## Blade (Sep 19, 2015)

Very smoothly written for the most part. I got a bit lost at this paragraph and had to back and re-read it to pick up the action. 



> She dropped the note, and it fell to the ground almost as slowly as the newly fallen snow. Even in her heavy wool coat, Dariane felt a chill ripple through her body. Her hair was lifted away from her neck, the wind caressing it. Although it wasn't the wind that had lifted her hair, but a hand. A hand colder then any snow storm. It slid it's way from her neck, down her back, and finally around her waist.




I think the opening is very expressive of solitude and the appearance of actual action is a bit of a surprise.

A couple of nits. I don't think you need 'Although' as the first word, it is rather arbitrary and 'thick' says it just as well.

'Cursive' in the third paragraph sounds cold and technical, I think 'handwritten' is more familiar and concrete. 

Enjoyed. :sunny:


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## jbishop15 (Sep 25, 2015)

I wanted to start off with a sincere compliment. You've done excellent work in creating a setting that I really can see and feel. There's texture to it, born by the details that you've woven throughout the work. That is something that be difficult to do, and you've pulled it off very well. 

If I were to pick two things to work on: 

- *Dialogue formatting:* 

This is a small thing, in the grand scheme, but seeing as it was drilled into my poor head I have to pass the pedantic abuse on to you. :tongue2: 

You wrote dialogue like this: |"Only you, love, would put yourself in this situation." He said, grinning.| Pardon the extreme nitpicking, but when you write dialogue with a tag, you don't put a period at the end of the dialogue. You put a comma, like this: |"Only you, love, would put yourself in this situation," He said, grinning.| Please feel free to punch me in the face for even bringing this up, but I do bring it up because it is the standard that people use, and as you move into the writing world some people may count that against your work. I speak from experience, sadly. 

- *Flow Issues:
*
Ugh, flow. Just using that word makes me break out into hives, because of it's ambiguity. What I'm trying to say is that there are a few instances in which sentences grind the reader experience to a halt. The end of the first paragraph, for example, is one such instance. If I were working on this piece, I would move the description of Romeo being as white as the fallen snow back to when he was first introduced. It, for whatever reason, didn't fit well. 

Also, if you feel that I am wrong about the stylistic, feel free to ignore me. This is, after all, more art than science! :glee:

Another example would be the first sentence of the fifth paragraph; there was a word echo, in which you used fell as a verb and then fallen as an adjective. I personally try to avoid word echoes, as they don't sit well with me. 


One last thing: this shows a lot of imagination, and your descriptions really make the world a place I would want to explore further. You're off to a really good start!


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## Kate Tiller (Sep 26, 2015)

Very atmospheric, and the dialog is good. Terse in ways.


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