# I Remember



## Prof

When I was 3 I bit into an electric cord.  I remember the buzzing tingle in my head,

When I was 7 I stepped on a nail.  I remember the pain as it went through my foot.

When I was 10 I fell out of a tree.  I remember bouncing down from branch to branch and hitting the ground hard.

When I was 13 I broke my nose.  I remember the numb feeling and a lot of blood.

When I was 17 I got hit by a car.  I remember the sound of screeching breaks and a thud.  I woke up in a hospital.
I most of all remember the smell of that hospital.

When I was 18 I met you.  I remember----oh, so much, so very much.  All wonderful.  No pain.  Just you.

When I was 22 we married.  I remember our life together as a fairy tale.

When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack.  I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand.  Back to the hospital. 
The same hospital smell.

When I was 58 I had a heart attack.  I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain.  
Hospital. Smell.

When I was 63 you went away.  All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life.

I’m 65.  I stand here by your stone.  The gun is in my pocket.

I remember------

June 2011  edit Nov 22, 2011


----------



## Firemajic

This is staggering in the vivid imagery of that last line.I loved the way you brought the reader along-year by year--event by event-slowly building to a devastating conclusion ...
On a personal note--I hope with all of my soul that you have never felt that kind of despair , That you would stand at her grave side with a gun in your pocket...    Peace--Jul


----------



## shabazz

Please don't pull the trigger...lol.


----------



## Prof

The fact that I''m writing this should suggest that either I  didn't pull  the trigger or that I am a very poor shot.  I'm a very good shot, ergo---

Once in my life I did feel that kind of despair.  I survived it.  I have tried several times to articulate that feeling in poetry, usually around the 4th of July.  This is my attempt this year
--


----------



## torbird

Prof, I like the way the only positive memories in this are about the 'you'; it shows how important love is, without making it too lovey-dovey. Well handled, I think!


----------



## east_coast_tom

beautifully written piece here friend, beautiful indeed. This life is a strange one indeed, but everything is heading exactly to where it's supposed to be heading! Nothing is off track. 

Stay positive sir! It's all a man has! 

With love,

ECT


----------



## kangamaroo

At first all i could notice was the the age numbers went up into then  jumped to three, but then i started to realise the pattern you had. Very  nice piece. I like how you wrote this. I was taken back by the ending -  didn't expect that! Nice one


----------



## Prof

Thanks guys.  I have been trying for years to get  a certain emotion on paper. I think this comes close.


----------



## Reynolds29

You don't have to make these changes if you don't want to.
"When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went completely through my foot."
It sounded a bit wordy so i took out completely as it also sounded redundant being in the phrase "through my foot"  
When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went through my foot.

"When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down the branches like a ping pong ball."
The first sentence was a bit wordy. The second one sounds really nice though, but maybe you could find a different word for bouncing? It sounds a little too playful.
When I was ten I fell from a tree.

"When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together almost as a fairy tale"
 Get rid of "almost"

"When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack. I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand up. Back to the hospital. 
I still most of all remember the smells."
Remove the word "up" and you might be able to rephrase "I still most of all remember the smells"

"When I was 58 I had a mild heart attack. I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain. 
Hospital. Smells."
Cut "mild from the first sentece" and place the word Any in front of "Hospital" and "Smells" It'll fit better with "any pain"

"When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life."
First part is perfect. Restructure the second sentence. Maybe change it to "Now all i can recall are the painful events in my life." 

the last sentence is amazing, its very plain, yet very emotional.


----------



## Prof

Reynolds29, of course I don't have to make the changes if I don't want to, but some are valid and I will edit a bit.

Your first is a good point, I try it.

Your next is less valid.  I see little difference between fell out of & fell from.  I agree about ping pong ball, but pichinco ball is no better and short of pin ball machine I draw a blank.

Your third,  agree with removing up, but not  about changing  the last  sentasnce.

Your fourth, I agree with dropping the word mild not with the rest of it.

Your fifth I must disagree with.  "Remember" is the key word in the  poem.  Why would I change it to "recall?"

Still, thanks for the detailed reviews.  I appreciate it.


----------



## nerot

For me personally, I consider the ability to connect with someone else and hopefully create a dialogue the goal of anything I write.  If I can do that I feel that what I have written is a success.  That is why I really appreciated this piece.

As you remembered ages and events, I also remembered similar events at similar ages.  I liked how, as you went on you included emotions with the physical event.  And the last line, I said "Oh my gosh!" out loud.  It was stunning.

You said so much so simply and it had quite an impact on me. 

This was very good.

nerot


----------



## Nick

There's a similar series of poems by Joe Brainard set out like this, and it's interesting how he does them, that I would suggest. Rather than set out the memories in a linear way (from age 6 to 65), it might have more of an emotional effect on the reader if your speaker remembers the childhood he had with his love while he's older. What Brainard did was select a series of random memories. He could go from remembering college to remembering when he was a little boy, and then back to high school. Remember that nothing has to be chronological, and in fact, making time non-linear can have a very fantastic, abstract effect.


----------



## Prof

I will look up Joe Brainard.  Siill, in this particular poem I didn't want am abstract effect, I worked to keep the details solid and clear.  


nerot, thank you, you got exactly what I was after, and the final reaction too.


----------



## Sita

This is rather... amazing. I adore the way you twisted the ending. You let the reader's hope rise, then dropped them right to the ground again. That's what I like about the poem. The emotion is communicated clearly. Good work, comrade.


----------



## Phyllis

This is hard hitting... knocked me over with the ending.  Beautifully composed, and gives a wide overview of life in just a few meaningful events.  Love it.... really do.


----------



## Prof

I made a new edit of this and I'm not sure yet that I have the full  effect I'm after,  opinions?


----------



## dannyboy

sorry Prof, but I do not like this at all. It's repetitive, it's a 'me, me, me' poem without any attempt to connect the me to the us. It lacks any use of structure or technique except to repeat a pattern - when, I when, I. Is it a poem or is it just a series of sentences? I'm probably leaning towards the latter, in fact it reminds me a bit of the sort of 'poetry' children are taught to write in schools, as if poetry is nothing more than prose with  funny lines to break it up. I think poetry is a lot more than that.

The most interesting fact is that every (or often) on July 4th you write a suicide poem - that's the poem I'd try to construct.


----------



## Gardening Girl

I didn’t see this the first time around.  I like it.  I like it very much.  I didn’t think I would but I did.  The emotion works so well in this.  I found myself taking on a smile at the beginning, then very gradually the smile changed into something else, something more serious, as it progressed.  It may have been just a series of sentences but it worked for me.  I do not like “The gun is in my pocket.” at the end.  It was shocking and unpleasant to hear that after you evoked and displayed such wonderful lifetime memories.  I’d replace it with something less jarring.   At 65 you still have much life to live.  Things may be different now, your love may be gone but life can still be lived and new memories made.  It was a neat read.


----------



## Jon M

Overall an effective poem, though I think there are places where it falters. First of all, I suggest removing all instances of "I remember" except for the final mention. Otherwise it is redundant in most cases. We know he remembers because he is telling us about it. 

*When I was 7 I stepped on a nail.  I remember the stabbing pain as it went through my foot.*
'stabbing pain' is cliche. There is a better image out there that brings home the experience of stepping on a nail. You haven't found it yet. 

*When I was 10 I fell out of a tree.  I remember bouncing down from branch to branch and hitting the ground hard.*
Somewhat amusing image, him bouncing from branch to branch. Is he a ball now? Perhaps better is 'crashing through'. 

*When I was 17 I got hit by a car.  I remember the sound of screeching breaks and a thud.  I woke up in a hospital.
I most of all remember the smell of that hospital.*
From time to time your writing becomes vague. This is one of those times. What is the hospital smell? Be concrete. Is it bleach? Vomit? A combination of the two? Hospital smell is generic, vague, gives no lasting impression. 

*When I was 18 I met you.  I remember----oh, so much, so very much.  All wonderful.  No pain.  Just you.

When I was 22 we married.  I remember our life together almost as a fairy tale.*
This is where your poem falters, in my opinion. You go from very specific imagery to this ... which is nothing. The lack of imagery here, compared to the rest of the poem, really stood out to me. I suggest focusing on one image that conveys this wonderful feeling, and this 'fairy tale' life. It doesn't have to be grandiose. Sometimes the best moments seem the most trivial.

*When I was 63 you went away.  All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life.*
Last line should go unsaid. The poem will be stronger without this kind of bald exposition. I suggest another image here. For example, when did she pass? Maybe a seasonal image would work well here.


----------



## Prof

Dannyboy: thank you for taking the time to critique my poem.  I intended the I remember to remind one of a tolling bell, guess I'll have to try again.  Of course it's  "me" poem, It's "me" who is suffering.  I originally wrote it without the gun, frankly I thiki it's better with the gun.  Oh and as for writing a suicide poem, no, that isn't my aim.  Read my "You hit me Hard Today,  That was another July 4th poem, I'm after a  mood and I have not got it yet..

Gardening  Girl;  Thanks, sorry you didn't like the ending,  but as I wrote above, Originally I wrote it without the  gun, but I think it's better with it.

JohnMG; Thanks for responding.  I don't agree  with everything you say but I can see your point on each one.  In order First, I do like the "I Remember", It is indeed redundant, but so is a tolling bell.  Second, you are right about the "stabbing pain" being a chiche, How do you like the change?  Third, I really did bounce from branch to branch, I even straddled one bot I left that out.  Fourth, I think everyone has a different idea about hospital smells, but  they would all; agree there is a distinct smell to a hospital. Fifth,I agree in part and am dropping the "almost as".  Your last point I think I covered above.  Again. thanks for your time.


----------



## aj47

I really liked the flow of this.  The patterned style made it very easy to be lulled until >wham< !


----------



## Syren

Hey Prof,

Been a while, thought I'd cruise the boards and yours was the first I stopped on. Hope you don't mind. 

I like it. I have to admit it teeters for me a bit, the repetition is a bit stark - something like an essay or short narrative. Not necessarily a bad thing in poetry, just something to consider. All told, I think the repetition, narrative and the sober imagery keeps the reader a bit distant. For such an emotive message, I would try to bring the reader in tight - draw them in so that they empathize with those moods and experience those images.

Of course, that the real sport of it all isn't it? How to capture an audience. I digress. 

It's not a standard poem, but that's a good thing. It's narrative, as it should be - so that too works well here. If I think on it long enough I don't see any real issue, but at first it was hard to get behind it. I'm pretty open minded though, you might have a small audience on this one. I think it all comes down to the separation one feels in reading this... like watching the news. 

I hope some of that makes sense. My deepest condolences for your loss. I'm in your boat too - oddly enough mine was July 5th. I've never been able to write her the poem I wanted too either. A difficult thing, when it's real.

Any rate, wishing you the best bud. Hope to read more of yours soon.

Cheers,

Josh


----------

