# Nursery Rhymes



## Sonata (Mar 23, 2015)

I used to sing Nursery Rhymes
      when my children were young
      they didn't care about
      words I had sung

      It was all automatic
      just songs I'd remembered
      "Rock-a-bye Baby"
      as they went to bed

      Oh where did the time go
      does anyone know?

      For now they are grown
      with babes of their own
      only they are not babes now
  the oldest are grown 

      But did their own mothers
      sing songs to them too
      as I did to them
      such a long time ago

      And then came my small dog
      and I sang to her
      it was "Rock-a-bye Baby"
      all over again

"Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top"
Don't worry small dog
I won't let you drop
and
      "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall"
      Don't worry small dog
      I won't let you fall

      Small dog has gone, my other grown up
but I still sing to her for
      the look on her face
      says "More mommy, more"

      Not just those old
      Nursery Rhymes
      anything goes
      when I sing to her
      who cares
      and who knows

      If the songs that I sing
      and the words
      they are wrong

      They are only for her
      they're her own special
      song​


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## Firemajic (Mar 23, 2015)

Poignant.. expressive ... You captured the essence of unselfish love and longing ... just a few tiny nits, but a charming read Sonata..   Always a pleasure to read you work!Thank you for sharing your poem with me... Peace always... Jul


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## Darkkin (Mar 23, 2015)

Sonata said:


> I used to sing Nursery Rhymes
> when my children were young
> they didn't care about
> words I had sung
> ...



There is an inherent sweetness to this piece that draws the reader in, but the theme of Nursery Rhymes is almost overshadowed by that of Lullabyes.  It is a fusion of the two factions and is slightly discordant.  One is implying merely spoken rhyme and the other is rhyme and melody.   The tone of this piece is much more akin to the lullabyes than the nursery rhymes.  There is an almost musicbox like cant to it, one that is slowly winding down.  Try to highlight that aspect a little more because it is truly wonderful.

Another thing I did notice, there is a scattered, uneven rhyme scheme at play that is a little distracting.  Try keeping it consistent, so it plays more of a role, enhancing your title or remove it.  With the first stanza it can be as simple as inverting the first two lines:  When my children were young, I use to sing Nursery Rhymes.  Punctuation can also play a huge role in this piece, streamlining some of the bulkier areas.  Commas can be your friend in removing surplus verbage: 

ie:   In your final stanza, picture that music box winding down, so keep this verse short and concise:

They are only for her,
her own special song.


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## Sonata (Mar 23, 2015)

Thank you for reading my verse Darkin, and for your critique.  I just write as it comes to me and I know that what I write is far from perfect.  More than just the "few tiny nits" as Firemajic said.

I sang to my children from when they were born - frequently just silly or nonsense talk in some sort of rhythm to whatever tune came into my head.  And now in my dotage I do the same for my dog, as I did for my small dog before her.  Singing or talking in verse to a baby who is too young to understand words, still conveys love to them.  Just as it did to small dog and just as it does to the one who is currently snoring quietly on the couch behind me now!


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## Firemajic (Mar 23, 2015)

LOL... Seriously sonata... really just the removal of a few words..that's all...  small nits...


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## Sonata (Mar 23, 2015)

OK m'Lady - please advise me as I am always willing to learn.  I already know that I made a right booboo by duplicating "grown" but did not notice it at the time.   It was also wrong to have stuck in "and" as it just should not have been there and was totally unnecessary.  

The problem is that I do not want to try to be too correct or too perfect because that is not me, not the way I write and I write as I think.  And I will carry on singing to my dog or talking to her in silly rhymes, because that is me.  

Ach - so much for my "must have an early night for once" for the witching hour has been and gone and I am still sitting here, not wanting to switch off my computer just when the forum appears to have awoken.


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## Darkkin (Mar 23, 2015)

That is the beauty of poetry, you can do so much with so little.  It's linear visually, but is amorphous by definition.  One could almost say it's the verbal equivalent of an optical illusion.  With tweaking you can do just about anything with it.


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## Firemajic (Mar 23, 2015)

Sonata said:


> I used to sing Nursery Rhymes
> when my children were young
> they didn't care about
> words I had sung
> ...



Really tiny nits... with or without... fabulous... LOL, That did not hurt too bad?


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 23, 2015)

> I just write as it comes to me and I know that what I write is far from perfect.


 That is the way for most writers, the firsy copy is almost never perfect, but it contains an idea, a concept. Then comes editing. Editing can actually be interesting, try looking at something  different way, for example:-

I used to sing Nursery Rhymes when my children were young they didn't care about words I had sung

It was all automatic just songs I'd remembered "Rock-a-bye Baby" as they went to bed

The first thing I had noticed when I looked at the original was how many redundant words, but looked at like that the punctuation becomes apparent. Her is what I mean about extra words:-

I used to sing Nursery Rhymes when my children were young they didn't care about words I had sung
I sang Nursery Rhymes to my children, they didn't care about the words

Of course then you lose 'sung' which is the rhyme, but really 'I used to sing ... what I had sung'; perhaps you could use it another way?

Rhymes for my young with mindless words sung

'Children' is a long word with two quite hard consonants, 'young' is all vowel and soft tounged sounds, such things are worth consideration, they give a 'flavour'.

You have some lovely ideas here, worth the effort of editing. Remember 'less is more', avoid the obvious (children are always young) and try to pick out the main meaning; good luck.


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## Sonata (Mar 24, 2015)

I have read and re-read all comments and much appreciated advice.  Have sat and deleted some words, changed some phrasing, but nothing of what I do is "me".  Nothing comes out the way "I" write.

I think that is really what it is all about.  What I write is the real me, incorrect though it may be, and to try and change the way that I write would not be true to the me who writes down her thoughts.


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## Firemajic (Mar 24, 2015)

Well, Sonata... a poet can always improve their skills, technique, style... and Still keep their originality... That is what I want for you... not to remove YOUR voice...rather give it the power and emotional impact it deserves.... In the end... of course this is your work and a critique is only a tool... used or discarded... your choice.. Keep on writing , Peace always... Jul


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## Sonata (Mar 24, 2015)

Trying again removes the spontaneity of my initial words until they might be correct but are not the words that were in my brain and mind at the time of writing.  I think I would rather be me, with incorrect poetry, than someone who writes perfectly correctly but is not me.

If I cannot write as me then I cannot write at all, because in order for things to be correct they would be forced.

But I will keep on trying as best I can and as always am grateful for the advice I get from you and everyone else.

Thank you


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## Nellie (Mar 24, 2015)

Sonata,

I agree with you. I write to express my feelings, myself and I thought that is what poetry was all about. Sure, we can all improve but but the same token we all are unique, so we can all march to our own tune. Poetry is like music. In a book I have defining poetry it says _"because of all the diverse sources, no one has come up with a satisfactory definition of poetry. Those who want to proclaim what is or isn't poetry have thankless work cut out for themselves. No umbrella is wide enough to cover the myriad versions, subjects, and forms. Reasons for reading and writing seem almost as numerous as atoms.
Sometimes poets write to recreate an experience."

_So, keep on writing the way you see fit, the way you feel, what you want others to see. And don't let others take away the spontaneity of writing.


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## Firemajic (Mar 24, 2015)

Sonata... Nellie is right .. I would be heartbroken if anything I said would cause you to feel as though your delightful, unique poetry was lacking... It is not, and the unique quality you bring to your poetry is what I love... I am a glass blower.. My passion... If I can do it better, make my art more beautiful... then that is my desire... That was where I was coming from... nothing more, and my critique is worth what you paid for it.. nothing..lol...I look forward to your next poem... Peace always... Jul


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## Sonata (Mar 24, 2015)

Thank you Nellie for understanding, and M'Lady Fire Queen for also understanding.    

I do not pretend to be a writer or a poet - I cannot sit down and tell myself right, you are now going to write a poem about such-and-such because that is not how my mind works.  Or these things come to me or they do not - I have no control over them.  

This one came to me as I was singing to the dog and I remembered doing the same thing, singing in the same way, to my children.  Nostalgia hitting in perhaps.  Others make me laugh as the words appear even though they are not planned.  I just do not know, but I am not going to stop whether I post them or not.  

I have passed my allotted span of three score years and ten and have had more than enough life experience to write about, but there are many things that I write and keep to myself in order to keep my anonymity.    It is not that I am trying to hide anything, just that my personal writings are just that.  Personal.


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## Blade (Mar 26, 2015)

Rock-a-bye baby, 
on the treetop.
When the wind blows, 
the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall.
And down will come baby, 
cradle and all.

A catchy tune and a rhyme beloved to all. It is a good thing the kids can't understand the words.:livid:


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## Sonata (Mar 26, 2015)

I sang to my children from the moment they were born, frequently  making up my own words to the tunes and rhythm of "real" nursery rhymes



> Hush little baby, don't say a word,
> 
> Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
> 
> ...




Hush little bubbie
don't say a word
momma is singing
words so absurd


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