# Fading



## Darren White (Aug 23, 2017)

*Fading -revision*

I am afloat and see no land;
I'm thrown and pulled in silence.
The only sound my grappling hand
in a tinted glass of violence.

No fish, no coast, no one is there—
alone in icy stillness.
I look around in mute despair
through pitch black oily darkness.

I, naked fish in water still,
a helpless struggling creature.
I drown and sink, am only filled
with neither past nor future.

A tiny fleck in waters vast,
to disappear completely
in vortex swirling far too fast—

disintegrate 
.....discreetly.*





***

Fading -original*

I am afloat and see no land;
the sea black darkened silence.
The only sound my grappling hand
in a tinted glass of violence.

No fish, no coast, no one is there—
only me in icy stillness.
I look around, can only stare
in pitch black oily darkness.

I, naked fish in water still,
a helpless struggling creature.
I drown and sink, am only filled
with neither past nor future.

A tiny fleck in waters vast,
to disappear completely
in vortex swirling far too fast—
disintegrate discreetly.


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## Chrispt316 (Aug 23, 2017)

I like it. I like to read poetry like this ...


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## Darren White (Aug 23, 2017)

Thank you


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## Sebald (Aug 23, 2017)

Darren White said:


> *Fading*
> 
> I am afloat and see no land; (An elegant opening that shows so much. This is going to be a personal, but universal, poem).
> the sea black darkened silence. (A lesson in how to put the right words next to each other, and let them do the work).
> ...


 Dazzling ending. I'd love to see 'discreetly' on a new line by itself, to represent disintegration. But I'm no poet, so that might be a crazy thought.

I enjoyed this enormously. The theme (loneliness, isolation?) seems to speak for itself, and you investigate it so deeply.


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## Darren White (Aug 23, 2017)

Hi Seb,

Your remarks are spot-on.
This is a iambic rhyme that uses alternating 4 and 3 feet per line, and I know that there are lines where I need different words, or less filler-words and a better alternative. Working on it.
'discreetly' on a line of its own? Hmmm, I'll think about it. It messes with the cadence of course, I'll think about it


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## Sebald (Aug 23, 2017)

OK Darren. Might be worth a try. It's a nice way to echo 'Fading'.

We're not here to make life easy, you know ha ha.


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## Firemajic (Aug 23, 2017)

Darren White said:


> *Fading*
> 
> I am afloat and see no land;
> the sea black darkened silence.
> ...




Hello, Darren, for me, this poem lacks... ummmm... a clear message, it lacks strong imagery, therefore your mood is indifferent... however, the last 2 stanzas are well worth saving, and could in fact, stand on their own. I was disappointed with your end lines, they lack drama and really do not come to any kind of poetic climax... think outside of the normal clichés.... make your message unique, stop playing safe... you have the skill... use it


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## PiP (Aug 23, 2017)

An intriguing poem, Darren.


> This is a iambic rhyme that uses alternating 4 and 3 feet per line,


 I don't think the lines are all iambic though.  But I am struggling with metere so maybe someone else can chip in. I've highlighted the stressed syllable as I hear them

For me the opening stanza is powerful. I sense  a deep vacuum of loneliness drifting with no land in sight. The black sea as a darkened silence is interesting. I sense despair and a desperate struggle. 

I *am *a*float* and *see *no *land*; 
the *sea* *black* *dark*ened *sil*ence.
The *on*ly *sound* my *grap*pling *hand*
in a *tint*ed *glass* of *vi*o*lenc*e.

Again I sense a feeling of deep despair. Trapped within Like a rabbit frozen to the spot in the headlights of an oncoming car. There are difference types of silence.  Some are paralysing as I feel you are describing her

No fish, no coast, no one is there— [/FONT][FONT=&quot]<-------- I like this.
*on*ly me in icy stillness.
I look around, can only stare
in pitch black oily darkness. 


Darren I've got to sign off its 12.45!

Be back tomorrow.


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## ned (Aug 23, 2017)

hello - enjoyed your poem and the tight rhyme scheme, well handled.

plenty of good advice already given, lets me off the hook.

'A tiny fleck in waters vast,' - is the key line, for me - summing up the message.

thanks for sharing...
Ned


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## Darren White (Aug 24, 2017)

Fire,

Thank you  

I'll have a look at what you are saying.

But, I will not cut the poem to the last two stanzas only. You are right that it needs tightening up, it shakes and rattles here and there, and I'll work on it.

The basic feeling that should come across is one of inertia, and a total lack of feeling, apart from a hopelessness.

It may lack umph, I'll have a look at that. 

But it's not playing safe.... how to explain that...


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## Darren White (Aug 24, 2017)

PiP,

You understand what the poem is about, a paralysing despair and fear and then inertia while seeing how you are drowning without being able to feel anything else.

About this:


PiP said:


> I *am *a*float* and *see *no *land*;
> the *sea* *black* *dark*ened *sil*ence.
> The *on*ly *sound* my *grap*pling *hand*
> in a *tint*ed *glass* of *vi*o*lenc*e.



You're right that here and there the meter has a deviation, even Shakespeare and others did that throughout their poems (no idea if that was accidental or deliberate haha)

Yes, line two deviates, it is done to put emphasis on the dark black emptiness
BUT: you pointed me there at something I must change, because it has one foot too many
Because, throughout the poem, lines 2 and 4 need to have only three feet, not four.
Line two needs some attention indeed. It should be like this:

I *am *a*float* and *see *no *land*; 
the *sea* black *dark*ened *sil*ence.
The *on*ly *sound* my *grap*pling *hand*
in a *tint*ed *glass* of *vi*olence


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## Darren White (Aug 24, 2017)

ned said:


> 'A tiny fleck in waters vast,' - is the key line, for me - summing up the message.
> 
> thanks for sharing...
> Ned



Thanks Ned, and yeah, that IS the key line.


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## PiP (Aug 24, 2017)

> Darren White said:
> 
> 
> > PiP,
> ...


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## Darren White (Aug 24, 2017)

PiP said:


> This is strange: when I read the poem last night I gave more weight to the word 'black'. For me, black and silence were the two key words in that sentence.  I am not suggesting to change it to this more this is how my mind translated it:
> 
> the [/FONT]*sea* is *black *with [/FONT]*dark*ened [/FONT]*sil*ence.




You are absolutely right that line with 'black' in it needs heavy editing because it's not right at all, one foot too many, and stress on the wrong syllable. I'll work on it.

Thanks


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## Darren White (Aug 24, 2017)

I put up a revision. In red changes I have made, have a go at it again if you like


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## Sara Ella (Sep 12, 2017)

The visuals in this poem are perfect!  The inky black water, the vortex - maelstrom that pulls and disintegrates everything in its reach.  Well done!


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## Darren White (Sep 12, 2017)

Hey there my friend  Good morning/night and thank you!


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