# how does the moon revolve



## jenthepen

he reminded me of a tree
feet rooted in the soil
gaze straining to the distant hills
that strained towards the sky.

she lived inside the house
inside her head
travelled instead in a chariot
made from dreams.

sometimes he brought her gifts 
a bundle of beans
a strawberry on a plate
she would wait alone in her head 
as she gazed at the dead summer fire.

at times like this she could pull herself
back to the front
confront his world
eat his offerings knowing that
his mind was on lower things.

trapped in the vortex of their worlds
in a mutual gravitational pull
proving gravity wins every time
over give and take.

after the funeral 
she dragged her chair 
into the garden with the weeds
sitting alone and sipping her tea 
crosswords abandoned on her knee.

she hasn’t much to say these days
her eyes gaze outwards now and yet
i notice that her chair is set 
back towards the house.

the question is
how does the moon revolve
after the world is gone.


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## Firemajic

You tell such a fragile, complex love story... and I would love it if this were a Novel with many, many pages...It is what is not said, that for me, is so intriguing and beautiful... The imagery is stunning and complements to mood you created... "She" is so mysterious, and I want so bad to know more... I wonder.. and I will always wonder "why"... and "What if"... This is haunting and unforgettable... jen... sublime.. [ okk, I might have cried..]


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## LeeC

I'm not keen on poetry that's dogmatic cleverness, believing that if one has something interesting to say the focus ought to be on making it memorable. Here you've done just that with your allegorical word painting, and the poetic structure highlights the effect. Might I add that the Delphic ending is pure genius, instilling your poem in the mind. 

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. To my mind it ain't broke, so I'm loath to mess with it ;-)


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## jenthepen

Firemajic said:


> You tell such a fragile, complex love story... and I would love it if this were a Novel with many, many pages...It is what is not said, that for me, is so intriguing and beautiful... The imagery is stunning and complements to mood you created... "She" is so mysterious, and I want so bad to know more... I wonder.. and I will always wonder "why"... and "What if"... This is haunting and unforgettable... jen... sublime.. [ okk, I might have cried..]



Thanks, Jul. I love the way you get right inside my poems _every time._ You are understanding these characters so well I think you can write the novel for yourself.  Maybe, though, the mystery of their connection is what makes their situation so intriguing?



LeeC said:


> I'm not keen on poetry that's dogmatic cleverness, believing that if one has something interesting to say the focus ought to be on making it memorable. Here you've done just that with your allegorical word painting, and the poetic structure highlights the effect. Might I add that the Delphic ending is pure genius, instilling your poem in the mind.
> 
> Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. To my mind it ain't broke, so I'm loath to mess with it ;-)



Thanks, Lee. You contributed more than you know! It was your poem, Human Change, together with my recent reading of the poetry of Roger McGough, that led me to try to write a poem this way for myself. I have to say, it was a very different experience to the usual rhyme and meter challenges of conventional poetry and I enjoyed it a lot. It feels more like a piece directly from my subconscious than many of my poems. Reading it in the cold light of day, I could see the places where it is clunky and awkward and I did change it a little but somehow, mangling the meaning into different words seemed to destroy more than it corrected.

I will definitely be writing this way again, especially when I'm trying to express deep thoughts or emotions. Like you say, 'the focus ought to be on making it memorable.'

Thanks for making me believe this poem works. 

jen


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## Firemajic

Like a top notch storyteller, you created a sense of mystery and intrigue... so many complex emotions I am trying to unravel...


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## Scrivener123

I don't have anything constructive to add. I read the poem twice and really enjoyed it. I don't really know the rules of poetry. I counted the syllables in each line, I looked for rhyming schemes, and all of the other things I had become accustomed too. I found what worked best was to listen to the sound and rhythm of your words. It was wonderful. Keep writing.


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## aj47

Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling.  I think it would benefit from some punctuation if you're going to put periods at the ends of the stanzas.  Also, I'm not liking two versions of *strain *in adjacent lines.  

Now that the housekeeping is out of the way ...

I love the way you express the ending, especially, but the food imagery is also deft.


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## Sonata

I found myself drawn into this poem and I would like to see it extended to see how "she" coped.  



astroannie said:


> Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling.


The double 'l' in travelling and travelled is the British spelling as against the single 'l' in US spelling.


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## jenthepen

Scrivener123 said:


> I don't have anything constructive to add. I read the poem twice and really enjoyed it. I don't really know the rules of poetry. I counted the syllables in each line, I looked for rhyming schemes, and all of the other things I had become accustomed too. I found what worked best was to listen to the sound and rhythm of your words. It was wonderful. Keep writing.



Thank you Scrivener! It's probably just me but I think free poetry is the hardest to read and the most difficult to understand. I'm flattered that you took the time and trouble to work with my poem. You seem to have found its key and that makes it so worthwhile for me. 



astroannie said:


> Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling.  I think it would benefit from some punctuation if you're going to put periods at the ends of the stanzas.  Also, I'm not liking two versions of *strain *in adjacent lines.
> 
> Now that the housekeeping is out of the way ...
> 
> I love the way you express the ending, especially, but the food imagery is also deft.



Thanks, Annie. I know this type of poetry is not your favourite so I'm really pleased that you found some merit in it.

As Sonata has pointed out, the double L is a British thing. We love double l's and double s's at the end of words - oh, and tend to slip in a u next to almost every o we write.  You are right about the punctuation. I like the freedom of interpretation that no punctuation gives so I will remove the periods. I agonised over the double use of 'strain' but couldn't come up with anything that expressed the feeling of _unachievable longing, _ so well. Words like 'reach' or 'stretch' didn't do it but if there are any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks for the help
and advice, it's appreciated.



Sonata said:


> I found myself drawn into this poem and I would like to see it extended to see how "she" coped.
> 
> 
> The double 'l' in travelling and travelled is the British spelling as against the single 'l' in US spelling.



Thanks, Sonata, I'm glad this worked for you. I agree with you, a story based on this poem would be interesting - I've already challenged Firemajic to come up with something.


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## Gumby

I like this style and you've really done it well, jen. Loved this, truly. Excellent.


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## Nellie

This is a suitable poem with much imagery, a life long mystery that is told exquisitely. Thank you.


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## jenthepen

Gumby said:


> I like this style and you've really done it well, jen. Loved this, truly. Excellent.





Nellie said:


> This is a suitable poem with much imagery, a life long mystery that is told exquisitely. Thank you.



Thank you both! Your encouraging comments mean a lot to me.


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## aj47

Jen, I see your point about *stretch* and *reach*.  All the words I come up with aren't quite right to my eye, but I'm not 100% certain of your angle, so something questful or yearning might fit depending on which you subbed.


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## kaminoshiyo

It's so light-hearted in it's sentiment, throughout. Airy and dreamy like the personality of the POV. You almost gt a sense that she's so aloof until the last verse where the loss of a love strikes really deep and profound and also shows how one changed the other over time. 

I liked this alot.


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## jenthepen

kaminoshiyo said:


> It's so light-hearted in it's sentiment, throughout. Airy and dreamy like the personality of the POV. You almost gt a sense that she's so aloof until the last verse where the loss of a love strikes really deep and profound and also shows how one changed the other over time.



You got it, perfectly! Thank you, Kaminoshiyo!


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## Bard_Daniel

This was really good. I enjoyed it completely.

Excellent work!


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## OrigamiSweaterClub

Wow, powerful ending!


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## ned

hello - got to this one late, and it's all been said!

can only say, I love the concepts expressed in this poem, Jen
gravity always wins - but what happens when it is removed?

enjoyed
Ned


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## jenthepen

ned said:


> can only say, I love the concepts expressed in this poem, Jen
> gravity always wins - but what happens when it is removed?



Quite. Thanks, Ned.


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## McJibbles

Your poem really touched me. It speaks of a love so deep that to be without the other is to be without a part of oneself. I've been thinking about the topic for a while now. The comparison of husband and wife to Earth and Moon is the most refined I can think of. The images of grief and neglect are well developed. I was a little lost in the "offerings" bit, but that's a me problem. It didn't detract from the great work you've done here.


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## Maunakea

jenthepen said:


> As Sonata has pointed out, the double L is a British thing. We love double l's and double s's at the end of words - oh, and tend to slip in a u next to almost every o we write.  You are right about the punctuation. I like the freedom of interpretation that no punctuation gives so I will remove the periods. I agonised over the double use of 'strain' but couldn't come up with anything that expressed the feeling of _unachievable longing, _ so well. Words like 'reach' or 'stretch' didn't do it but if there are any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks for the help
> and advice, it's appreciated.



That's a Canadian thing too, we use all the same rules as our British parents. 

I too wasn't big on the double use of 'strain', even if in different forms. I agree with the suggestion of yearning, or maybe something like this: 

_gaze straining to the distant hills
that_ ever bounded _towards the sky_

Or:

_gaze straining to the distant hills
_ever bounding _towards the sky_

I also am a fan of some puncutation, like commas, but that's just me and I think it sort of works for this free form style.

All that being said, I really love this poem. The title and it's disconnection to the first stanzas confused me at first, and intrigued me. That ending stanza brought it into clarity in a devastatingly beautiful way. Perfectly well done. I loved the mysterious and aloof 'she', stuck in her head in a way I connect with on many levels. The love story you painted with the patient 'he' felt real, and your use of imagery put me right there in it. The tragic yet lovely ending left me wanting a love like that.  Again, that ending stanza, sublime. Very nicely written.  

And with this post, I now graduate to a full fledged member of WF! Yay!! ^-^ I'm glad I found such a good poem for my last introductory post!


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## Phil Istine

Ref: L3/L4.  The best I can come up with right now is either 'craned' or 'craning' depending which you are looking to alter - but I think they may not be quite the right words.


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## jenthepen

McJibbles said:


> Your poem really touched me. It speaks of a love so deep that to be without the other is to be without a part of oneself. I've been thinking about the topic for a while now. The comparison of husband and wife to Earth and Moon is the most refined I can think of. The images of grief and neglect are well developed. I was a little lost in the "offerings" bit, but that's a me problem. It didn't detract from the great work you've done here.




  Thank you , McJibbles, I’m delighted that you connected so strongly with my poem. It is, as you say, about an all-consuming love that could overcome even deep-seated differences.





Maunakea said:


> That's a Canadian thing too, we use all the same rules as our British parents.
> 
> I too wasn't big on the double use of 'strain', even if in different forms. I agree with the suggestion of yearning, or maybe something like this:
> 
> _gaze straining to the distant hills
> that_ ever bounded _towards the sky_
> 
> Or:
> 
> _gaze straining to the distant hills
> _ever bounding _towards the sky_
> 
> I also am a fan of some puncutation, like commas, but that's just me and I think it sort of works for this free form style.
> 
> All that being said, I really love this poem. The title and it's disconnection to the first stanzas confused me at first, and intrigued me. That ending stanza brought it into clarity in a devastatingly beautiful way. Perfectly well done. I loved the mysterious and aloof 'she', stuck in her head in a way I connect with on many levels. The love story you painted with the patient 'he' felt real, and your use of imagery put me right there in it. The tragic yet lovely ending left me wanting a love like that.  Again, that ending stanza, sublime. Very nicely written.
> 
> And with this post, I now graduate to a full fledged member of WF! Yay!! ^-^ I'm glad I found such a good poem for my last introductory post!



[FONT=&Verdana]Yes, Maunakea, there in Canada you have stayed with the traditional English spelling - and the Aussies and New Zealanders too. 

[/FONT]  The jury’s still out on the word change for the third and fourth lines. I’m a bit reluctant because I don’t want to severe the connection between the man and the hills.The whole point of the metaphor is that his inability to touch ‘his sky’ is identical to that of the mountain. I think ‘yearning’ might work but, truthfully, I’m still thinking it over.


[FONT=&Verdana]I’m so glad you felt his patience, that was an important ingredient. The love between them was very strong, it’s true, but maybe they would have been more fulfilled with partners who could share their personal dreams?

[/FONT]  Thank you for all the kind comments and I’m honoured to have received your qualifying post! Welcome, I’m looking forward to reading some of your own work. 





Phil Istine said:


> Ref: L3/L4.  The best I can come up with right now is either 'craned' or 'craning' depending which you are looking to alter - but I think they may not be quite the right words.



Thanks, Phil. That's an interesting suggestion. I'll add it to the thinking process. :thumbl:


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## Reichelina

This is one of the best poems I've read this year, or maybe my whole life. 
I am a fan of complex and complicated love stories. 

You're amazing, you know that?
Thank you for sharing this, Jen. 

Wow.


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## jenthepen

Wow, Reichelina, that's so flattering. Thank you!


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