# LM Aug 2019 Scores- "Dead and Dreaming"



## velo (Aug 26, 2019)

Thanks to all that entered and for having patience with the results, I was away from my computer all weekend.

[spoiler2="Ma'am"]


1) Dead and Dreaming
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3.5/5


Overall: 16.5/20


There were a few places where the punctuation seemed awkward. Comma usage could have been improved, added in some places and omitted in others. 


The detached, omniscient narration fit perfectly with a subject who was, after all, deceased.
So, we start with the wide view, sunrise in the heavens and zoom in from there. A bird goes after prey, which feeds his young, then struggles to find food for himself. At the end, we discover this is all actually a dying man’s dream or his spirit being released.


I’d have been able to connect with this story more in if some of the word count about the weather and the bird had instead been used to make the story about a particular man, rather than the generic “Everyman.” Also, I’m not sure about only finding out at the end that the main story was really a dream or release of the man’s spirit. I think it worked better than such a surprise usually does, but that still leaves us following the weather and a bird for most of the story.
But it had a haunted quality or something along those lines, which I really liked, even though I’m having a hard time pinpointing what to call it. This month’s prompt was a tough one and this story did answer the challenge competently.




2) Joe Hill- 1915


Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4.5/5
Reaction: 4.5/5


Overall: 17/20


I found the comma usage excessive, which was a bit distracting. 


I like the “was Joe Hill” thing rather than “Joe Hill was” to go along with the song lyrics. Also, it seemed accurate for 1915 that even a guy who is so into human rights would perceive a woman as a trophy to be won by fighting a competing suitor. 


I’ve always heard that using song lyrics without permission is a big no-no with editors but that’s just an FYI, in case you didn’t know. (I didn’t mark the story down for it since this was submitted for a forum contest rather than for publication).


I really liked the phrase about how Hilda and Otto were “closer than close, without so much as a moonbeam to shine between them.” 


It would have helped draw me in to tell the story/dream more in “real time” than in a kind of tell-y narration, though. 


Finally, even though it was a dream, I was still a little disappointed to not know what became of Hilda, since she was such a main part of it all. 


Overall, I enjoyed this story. It made good use of a difficult prompt and, most importantly, it was a fun yarn to read.




3) Exhibit A


Spelling/Grammar- 3/5
Tone/Voice- 5/5
Evaluation- 4/5
Reaction- 4.5/5


Overall- 16.5/20


This one was difficult to score. In my experience, when the writing seems rough, the story itself usually isn’t very good. But this story struck me as a first draft of good storytelling. 


Errors jumped out at me. In the second paragraph, “mister” should be capitalized. Several commas were missing and commas were used where there should have been periods. “For all their worth,” it should be “they’re.” In the last paragraph, 


Bickerman’s name is misspelled.


The tone/voice were great. It’s clear that Bickerman is a government toady and Travis is a high wheeling slimeball. Both are delightfully horrible.


I found a fair bit of “overwriting,” words and phrases that don’t add much and cause the writing to come across as a little awkward. 


Unnecessary –ly adverbs, for example. Smiling or sipping “quietly” and just plain smiling or sipping are not materially different, since we don’t expect those activities to be noisy in the first place. In general, it’s better to use a stronger noun or verb or just leave it as is, than add on too many modifiers (whether adverbs or adjectives). Rather than making the writing stronger, they often distract.


With dialogue tags, the dialogue itself usually let us know if someone is “explaining,” “announcing,” “inquiring,” “confirming,” etc., so using those words instead of “said” is telling us a small thing twice.


A bit more “overwriting” is adding a small motion nearly each time someone speaks or, even worse, a small motion or facial expression along with a modifiers or explanation of the expected small motion or facial expression. Most often, we already get it without being told. It’s not that there shouldn’t be any of those, but they should be applied with thought, not just everywhere, automatically.


The world building was interesting, a sample of our modern society, set within a large set of buildings.


There are some great images. Bickerman calmly sipping tea while Travis blusters around, sending papers flying, is good, but watch for cliché expressions like turning beet red. The fittingly icky handshake is a good ending, though I thought it had too many adjectives and was a bit too grossly graphic. 


The story, in my opinion, is in need of a good editing. However, it was original and lively, while at the same time addressing some serious real life social ills.




4) One Dead, One Dreaming


Spelling/Grammar - 4/5
Tone/Voice - 4/5
Evaluation - 3.5/5
Reaction – 4/5


Overall: 15.5/20


The main SPaG errors I noticed were some unusual placements of colons and semi-colons, and that “discuss” was misspelled. So, I found some problems there but not huge ones.


The problem I had with this story is that it seemed disjointed to me. We first get to know the two officers who answer the 
call, only to switch to the point of view of an abused wife who has secretly killed her husband. 


In such a very short space, I’d stick to either Sheryl and Ben’s storyline or Carol’s, and make sure everything in it contributes in some way to that main storyline (Ben’s bumbling, for example). It was a solid effort, though.




5) Moodswings


Spelling/Grammar - 5/5
Tone/Voice - 5/5
Evaluation – 3.5/5
Reaction – 3/5


Overall: 16.5/20


The SPaG was fine. And the story had a distinct old-timey feel that was well done. It’s clear that our protagonist is highly intelligent. 


However, I started off having to read the introduction several times and it was still largely a jumble; there was just too much packed into such a small space. That was off-putting, especially at the very start.


What followed was a chilling medical experiment, gone wrong. As to what I liked most and what stood out about this story, the word “intelligence” keeps popping up in my mind, however that fits in... 


6) Northern Lights


Spelling/Grammar - 4/5
Tone/Voice - 5/5
Evaluation – 3.5/5
Reaction – 4/5


Overall: 16.5/20


I caught a few SPaG errors but nothing major. A couple of examples: A period is missing at the end of the second paragraph. And there should be a period after “Fire,” in the sentence below, not a comma. 


“Fire,” I felt my heart sinking.


This dystopian piece has a nicely eery tone. The characterization is well done, too. 


My attention wandered at times, though. It seemed somewhat overwritten. For one thing, we sometimes have dialogue explained, when the dialogue itself already lets us in on that information, small things told twice. Here’s an example of what 
I mean by “overwritten”:


Grandpa shrugged. He looked around, and presumably seeing nothing in the huddled mass of sleeping and sleepless, crusted to the soft rolling highland hills that glinted weakly in the night as doomed passengers on an upturned vessel, he turned back, yawning. “Get some sleep.”


Telling us grandpa shrugged, looked around, saw nothing, turned back and yawned is a lot of small, expected motions in one paragraph. Also, here and elsewhere, there are a lot of modifiers. For ex., with soft and rolling hills, one or the other would do the job. Highland hills sounds redundant, etc. I found myself taken out of the story to wade through the excess wordage in places. None of the story’s small word choices are terrible, and many of them could be argued for, but, to me, all together, they bogged the story down a bit. 


That said, this was a pretty good take on a difficult prompt.


7) War Bride


Spelling/Grammar- 4/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 4/5
Reaction- 3.5/5


Overall- 15.5/20


I found a few minor SPaG errors. For example, in the first paragraph “north” should not be capitalized but “Yanks” should. And there were places where the dialogue ending had both a period and a comma.


The main issue I had with this story was that it struck me as predictable, like something I’ve heard before, and with an ending that I saw coming from the start.


That said, this was a good effort at a tough prompt; a solid little story.




  Black Wings of Everwaking


Spelling/Grammar- 5/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 3.5/5
Reaction- 4/5


Overall- 16.5/20


I really liked the images in this story. A great black shape with a million eyes. Crayon-green grass. Duck with candied oranges. Rain-hammers. Even more, I liked the weirdness of it. 


But at the same time, the “acid trip” feel of it did drag a bit for me in places. 


Overall, though, it was an imaginative take on a difficult prompt.






9) The Breathless


Spelling/Grammar- 4/5


Tone/Voice- 4/5


Evaluation- 3.5/5


Reaction- 3.5/5


Overall- 15/20


I caught a couple of minor punctuation errors. For example:


“You look like me.” I said. (There should be a comma after “me,” not a period).


When the story limit is only 650 words, a story that’s less than half that length would have to be exceptionally tight and different to compete. Here, I also see some of those few words used to overwrite. Here’s one example:


“Am I up in the clouds? Where am I? I was just in a bed and now I’m here…” My voice trailed off.


We already know from the ellipses that his voice has trailed off. So going on to tell us that it’s trailed off is a small thing, told twice. We’re also told several times that someone is looking at someone, when that would be expected anyway in the context. And, when there are only two characters, we don’t need a dialogue tag nearly every time one of them speaks.


I liked how it seemed to end on a high note, though. “And away we walked[,] through the clouds.” 


Also, it was always clear what was going on. I could see this being used to help a grieving child make sense of another child’s death.




10) But I Haven’t Seen Dubai


Spelling/Grammar- 4/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 4/5
Reaction- 3.5/5


Overall- 15.5/20


I found only minor SPaG errors. For example:


“Even breathing was difficult, shallow and uneven, as is something sat upon my chest…” (as “is”should be as “if.”)


Our main character has been in a serious car accident and is disoriented and anguished, hovering between life and death. 


The problem I had is it seemed too much an obvious choice for a story situation, and with the expected reactions a character would have in such a situation. 


The story was well done, though, as far as realistically conveying that inner experience of the main character.


11) Dead and Dreaming


Spelling/Grammar- 4/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 4/5
Reaction- 4/5


Overall- 16/20


One small error, “conscience” is written “conscious” twice near the end.


My attention wandered in places and I think it’s because there was a lot of world building built into such a small space, and we were given a lot of the main character’s small movements and reactions. Also, I was a little confused when Shelley was both the name of the ship and the admiral.


However, this was definitely an interesting and original take on a difficult prompt. 




12) The Harpist


Spelling/Grammar- 4.5/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 3.5/5
Reaction- 3.5/5


Overall- 15.5/20


I only found slight SPaG errors. For example, there should be a comma after “played,” in “When he played the people would melt before him.” 


I felt like too much of the word count was used on emotion and description, that could have been better used to include more plot. For example, with Maacah’s tears and Eliah’s reaction to them, I’d have gotten the point with a lot less.


However, the world building was great. I especially enjoyed the exoticness of it.




13) Morningstar


Spelling/Grammar- 4/5
Tone/Voice- 4/5
Evaluation- 3.5/5
Reaction- 4/5


Overall- 15.5/20


I caught a few minor SPaG errors. For example, “he” should not be capitalized in dialogue tags.


I had to read this story a few times to understand what was going on so I think it could have used better editing. For one thing, there were a whole lot of modifiers, so much that it distracted me at times, for example, in the example below. 


Though it seems counter-intuitive, I think it’s usually better to use fewer modifiers, carefully chosen.


The towering skyscraper was black, monolithic and shining. Timothy Pelagius rubbed his pink, swollen hands together nervously. Sweat dripped from his wrinkledbrow, and dark clouds roiled in the hot, rumbling sky above. Despite the heat, he shivered, pacing back and forth on the white pavement.


I did really like the weirdness of this dream story, especially the pink tentacles descending from the sky and Timothy drowning in wet cement.


[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2="epimetheus"]
Author: Entry 1
Story: Dead and Dreaming
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 16/20


Review:


My grammar isn’t good enough to point any specific mistakes, if there are any, but the use of present tense felt a little clunky at times. Not sure about the use of the semi-colon in the first sentence.


I like the inversion of dawn as an opening to a death scene, which usually evokes allusions of night. Made for a light filled, airy tone. 


At first read I thought mentions of ‘Budgerigars’, ‘380 kilometres per hour’ and such were ham-fisted anthropomorphisms. Turns out they were clues that this was a human soul. Nice.


I’ve never heard a paramedic, or any health-professional, say ‘life extinct’. I’m likely among a tiny minority bothered by this though. 


Not sure about the last sentence: we have been taken from the bird’s eye view to that of the paramedics, then back to the bird’s. For me, going back invoked a sense of reincarnation whereas before I read it as just a near-death experience. Left me a little confused – though for a death scene that might not be a bad thing.








Author: Entry 2
Story: Joe Hill - 1915
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
Evaluation: 1/5
Reaction: 1/5
Overall: 9.5/20


Review:


Didn’t notice any grammatical errors that took me out of the story. 
The tone didn’t fit a dream. This was a broad story, spanning several months presumably, with details like his ashes being distributed in 600 envelopes. None of this was dreamlike, and it seems an odd story to be bookended by sleeping and waking. 


Didn’t resonate with me at all on first reading, so I looked up the song. Seems to be about a union activist, which made things odder. This one went well over my head. Perhaps if I knew some of the history of this character that might change.






Author: Entry 3
Story: Exhibit A
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 2.5/5
Overall: 12.5/20


Review: A few grammar points I noticed, though they didn’t take me too far out of the story:
You low life government, bureaucrats (misplaced comma)
For all they are worth (they’re not their)


And a few times the text could be sped up (are these filter words?):
turned red, like a beetroot… vs turned beetroot red…


Tone was helped by a few flourishes, but the dialogue was a little flat at times. The final image of a mucus handshake was an excellent way to end this nefarious deal.


The story certainly evoked an unpleasant sense of dealings with humans as bargaining chips. But not much really happened – this felt like the opening of something bigger rather than a self-contained work. Very hard to get any world-building in with so few words; would’ve been interesting to know a little more background.




Author: Entry 4
Story: One dead, one dreaming
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Evaluation: 2.5/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 13/20


Review:
Few obvious typos that I’m sure will scream at you on your next reading. But otherwise very easy to follow.


I liked the simplicity of the language, but the dialogue didn’t leave me with a clear sense of the characters. 


Most original interpretation of the prompt.
The side story with Ben and Sheryl compliments the main story without getting in the way too much (use/abuse of power in relationships). However, it never has its own resolution; an ambitious addition with so limited a word count. Not sure if the story would have been better served by just focusing on Carol and Tom. 








Author: Entry 5
Story: Moodswings
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 14.5/20


Review: 


No major grammar issues that tripped me up; a few bits that I had to reread to understand
…was, well, that was where the bankrolling was, wasn’t it?
Even though this is 1st person I think was was said too much, wasn’t it? 


Tone was effective. Sometimes the 1st person narration didn’t sound like a (stereotypical) scientist. Maybe more of the clinical and calculating, or make something of him not being a stereotypical scientist.


A very confusing effect overall, which one would expect if swapping minds, and a nice inside perspective of the process. Just didn’t have me rooting for anyone, or on the edge of my seat, or delving the depths of man… wish I could be more specific with my feedback – I hope you get what I mean.










Author: Entry 6
Story: Northern Lights
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Evaluation: 2/5
Reaction: 1.5/5
Overall: 9/20


Review:


A few typos, missed full stops, double question marks and such that you should be able to pick up on a revision. Some strange word choices: I take scarify to mean to cut something out, whereas you seemed to use it to mean something else. Am I missing something? And carbon as an example of another gas (it’s a solid at room temp) – do you mean to imply Jirra lacks understanding of these matters? These little things add up and by the time I got to reading about ‘acrid joke’ I was wondering whether you really wanted to evoke a certain smell/taste, or it was just by accident.


Also rankles that though it was the heat that woke her the light was described first.


The passivity of Jirra got a little irritating, just repeating what Grandpa said. Grandpa is the only thing I really liked in this story, the only thing that seemed alive. Always hard to sell a depressing story like this: I appreciate the ambition.




Author: Entry 7
Story: War Bride
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 3.5/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 15.5/20


Review: 


No grammar issues that I noticed. 


Simple structure and language that made it a breeze to read, though that simplicity may have meant it wasn’t as interesting in places as it could have been.


I think I would have preferred the story had I not known that he was going to die (from the title). I guess the story is a bit of a cliché, and it would have been nice to see some new angle to it, but still a powerful little tale. 






Author: Entry 8
Story: Black Wings of Everwaking
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 17.5/20


Review:


Didn’t notice any grammar mistakes. 


The tone painted a picture of contrasts which worked well.


This felt dreamlike and nightmarish. Unsure of the significance of throwing the ice cream in the pool – it seemed to be the catalyst of change, so it must be important, but I couldn’t fathom why. Maybe it was just the logic of dreams. 


Author: Entry 9
Story: The Breathless
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 2.5/5
Reaction: 2.5/5
Overall: 13/20


Review:


Hard to assess grammar due to the atypical format, but it was easy enough to follow. 


Not usually a fan of this kind of ‘script’ like writing, but the minimalism of it actually worked in terms of tone in this context.


No medical professional says ‘vital signs dropping’ (way too unspecific), but I’m likely the only person bothered by this; it serves its purpose. Similarly, yelling out when dying like this doesn’t happen – made me thought he was going to survive. Biggest drawback was the lack of insight into Jonah’s thoughts/feelings.






Author: Entry 11
Story: Dead and Dreaming
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 2/5
Overall: 12/20


Review: 


Not a fan of having nearly every sentence as a paragraph: you lose any impact paragraphs might have. Otherwise no grammar issues I spotted.


Tone was OK for the setting, some good dialogue. Hardly used ‘he said’, but still easy to follow who was speaking.


Felt like a lived-in world, but left too many loose ends for a complete work in itself for my taste and made little impact on me.




Author: Entry 12
Story: The Harpist
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 4.5/5
Reaction: 3.5/5
Overall: 17.5/20


Review: 


No real grammar issues, just a few times word choice slowed down my reading: He saw tears running down her cheeks or just tears were running down her cheeks, she fell to her knees when she came near to him or she fell to her knees before him. Could have saved you a few words to spend on more characterisation.


Great tone to this story – had a rhythm to it which was very fitting for the subject. 


I enjoyed this story; the only thing it lacked was investment. I didn’t care that they were worshipping false idols at the temple, and I didn’t see why Eliah would either. 






Author: Entry 13
Story: Morningstar
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 3.5/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 14.5/20


Review:


Might seem small, but do I need to know Timothy’s surname is Pelagius? I struggle keeping track of names, even in fiction as brief as this, so unless it does something specific the fewer names the better.


Some of the grammar around punctuation seemed off. This is a weak point for myself, so I can’t pinpoint it, but something wasn’t quite right.


The descriptions had a disjointed feel to them in keeping with dreams.


Would have liked to get more insight into Timothy’s feelings. He seemed pretty easily convinced that he didn’t really exist – a bit more exploration of his mindset might have made the transition a bit more interesting and believable.


[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2="Fatclub"]
1. Dead and Dreaming 13/20


SPaG: 4/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 3/5.


SPaG: All I spotted was 'prise' and 'envelops' (prize and envelopes). 




T&V: 'He stands on the precipice in the darkness:' This feels awkward to me, and without a comma after 'precipice' the opening feels a bit rushed. Perhaps 'In darkness, he stands on the precipice.' (saves a word, too!).


I wasn't keen on 'predawn'. 


I'm not keen on opening with descriptions of the sky (albeit a couple of sentences in), so many people do this. 


'…like a drunk at an all-nighter,' I loved all this stuff you put in. ', punching well above his weight and size.' It's a cliché but I think you get away with it. 
I think you've made an effort to sound authoritative and have consequently slowed things down a little but still a nice read.


Evaluation: Adequate title: I've done this myself in the past and regretted it. Fine, if it wasn't for the prompt, but I've regretted not making more of an effort myself. 
This story is one of those where you could have practically any story followed by the guy dead and dreaming at the end. But at least you made the effort to have the link. Also, the budgie is a small bird and the peregrine (?) is a bit big for this. 


Reaction: I really enjoyed it overall, which is what counts. But the ending just had me nodding my head thinking: yes, that's the link.


2. Joe Hill 15/20


Spag: 5/5, T&V: 2/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 5/5


SPaG: Your narrative voice allows for things like '…who was best.' instead of 'better'. The only SPaG issues I found could be just a style thing so douze points! 


T&V: '..bed begged..' I don't like this. In the first sentence, you had my eyes going right-to-left for a moment, and took away my confidence in you early in.
You have 'fierce fight' later on too. These two things could just be my taste, though.
'The closest he ever came to touching her was to hold her hand.' That is touching her.
''…so the two men set off to show her who was best.' This doesn't really make sense. Unfortunately, I took this to be immediate. It's also written clumsily but I'm not sure if this is deliberate.
'…land a hammer…' Where did he suddenly find a hammer? (Of course, you mean the 'hammer-blow' cliché).
'…they had at each other…' I really liked this archaic stuff you occasionally use.


'square jaw', 'broke Joe's heart.', I'd get rid of these clichés.


Nice fable-like quality to the story. It's only on a re-read that I wonder about the 'such a man' comment. 


Despite the 'But he wasn't done!' at the end being a bit silly - I loved it! (guilty pleasure - because it is silly, but it's also an enthusiastic, infectious narrative voice).


Evaluation: Sometimes there's problems where I think you've had to cut words to get down to 650. The it was all a dream thing cost you a bit on Evaluation too; I was expecting a few tales with this particular 'twist' at the end. Nice idea with the song at the start.


Reaction: You won my confidence back at the last. Lovely idea and story, great intro. Well done. 


3. Exhibit A 12/20


SPaG: 3/5, T&V: 4/5, Evaluation: 2/5, Reaction: 3/5.


SPaG: There's a few mistakes like the following that I've corrected in bold:
'diamond-encrusted', Mister or Mr Goldfield,
'…here to see," said the …',
and 'fit' should be 'fitted'. 


T&V: Some of the description is puzzling. Does Bickerman produce 'his shaking hand' as in trembling hand or the hand that he shakes with? Not clear.
Great similes '…like a farmer throwing seeds…'
'…an angular suit made him look like a walking square.' very creative.
Also some great cartoonish description which suits the 'other-worldly' piece; 'beetroot-red face', 'the smile nearly reaching his ears,' 'gnashing teeth!' I luvved all this.


Evaluation: It's not a strong link to the prompt but I do think it's a difficult prompt.


Reaction: A shocking finish, 'goo', indeed! 


5. Moodswings 11/20


SPaG: 3/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 2/5


SPaG: '…the thing was, well, that was where the bankrolling was, wasn't it?'
Despite the anaesthetist/sedation, you don't get away with this because the whole sentence is too difficult for me as a reader.


'Same must have been said about him.' I'd like 'The same…' but that costs you a word. Also, I still don't really understand the sentence. The MC's lack of sanity excuses some of this though.
'…existential, tunnel-bore dead world.' I'd like a comma here. ('tunnel-bore' what's this?)
The above isn't much, though I found a general lack of clarity that I'm not sure comes under SPaG or T&V.


T&V: I often prefer telling instead of showing if it's told entertainingly. Yours was, with loads of good ideas. But, even so, I needed to re-read parts of it several times- too many. I didn't find the two similies apt; 'blasted' spoiled the first one, 'monolithic intellect' got in the way of the second. This was extremely close to being great. But I would have preferred it dumbed down a bit for me (sorry). Maybe with a doctor quizzing the MC on awakening. 


Evaluation: I don't understand why Benson is a fortunate soul at the end and not the MC. Although the 'downy cover' is pulled back what does it reveal? An empty bed? Benson's corpse? Is the MC dead? If it wasn't for the prompt I wouldn't be even guessing these things. 
I liked the use of the countdown technique and the opening jump after the ellipsis. 


Reaction: I found that all the big words and abstract thought got in my way, as a reader. If I hadn't been judging I wouldn't have enjoyed it because I wouldn't have gone over it enough to understand. I did enjoy it, belatedly. But, try as I might, I just don't get the end. 


6. Northern Lights 09/20


SPaG: 2/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 2/5, Reaction: 2/5. 


SPaG: '…rusty, orange glow appeared at the horizon,' 
When listing adjectives I like to use commas depending on how it's written (if rusty describes the 'orange' then no comma but if 'rusty' and 'orange ' are both separately describing the 'glow' then a comma. The word 'glow' appears to be used as a noun so no comma after 'orange'. You use these descriptive lists a lot '…soft, rolling highland hills…' The comma needed, or 'softly rolling'. 
'I thought it was the sun rise.' Should be 'sunrise'.
"What??" is this a typo? 
'Oh, Jirra.' If it's 'O Lord' or 'Oh great one.' No comma. But if 'Oh' is an exclamation it gets one. It reads to me like an exclamation so it should be comma'd. 


T&V: Because of so many grandpa/grandson stories I've read, I thought the child was a boy until the word 'girl' - a bit too late.
'…I sensed a crumbling.' Did you mean '…an emotional crumbling.' ?
'solar shades' (?), 'light was bright', 'razor rain', silver-suit', 'highland hills', 'birthing(?) so much bounty', although you can get away with, and even prefer to use, one of these occasionally- I suggest there's a bit too much of it.
I really liked the 'algae on wet glass' simile.


Evaluation: It's quite a weak link to the prompt but I can just about see it if I use my imagination!
Grandpa using the word 'dreams' is almost like having a character with a D&D tattoo: prompt executed, job done! 


I liked it. Quite clear. The opening sentence is a bit slow - it's difficult to open describing sky/clouds/mountaintops or whatever in a way that grabs me because I've read too much of it, but then you had some great ideas with the methane fire and post-apocolyptic scene.


I take it that this is the MC's memory and that Grandpa is now dead. The naïve grandchild/wise grandparent thing is familiar territory although a bit cliché (to me) but allows you to give me the less familiar fantasy/sci-fi stuff. 


Reaction: The ending felt a bit flat and, as a reader, I think the best thing is the terrific methane/firestorm ideas which I'd prefer were nearer the end than the beginning. 


7. WAR BRIDE 16/20


SPaG: 3/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 5/5, Reaction: 5/5.


SPaG: 'standing in the door' should be either 'at', or 'doorway'.
The following comma should be removed, "Thomas!", Emeline exclaimed.
These two- "I don't have long.", "…for you ma'am.", should be "I don't have long," and "…for you, ma'am," 
There were a few other comma usages or ommisions that I wasn't comfortable with. 
'one another' rather than 'each other' is usually for more than two. If it weren't for the other mistakes maybe this could be a style thing.




T&V: ' old rocker reading and re-reading' and '…bed and raced across the bedroom' both of these excerpts could be improved.
'…letter as they arrived.' I'd prefer 'when' or 'after'.
'…simply her Thomas.' Mentally I had to read it again and italicize 'her'.
I'd remove 'Emeline exclaimed'.
'omitting the more gruesome tales.' This needs removal. '…Northern distance.' As does this. Just my opinion though.
'…again awakened by a knock on the door.' This isn't wrong but I'd remove it.
Overall a nice and clear T&V with a good Mills and Boonish feel to it.


Evaluation: Good powerful title. Great link to the prompt. Did Emmy dream it? The letter says no, but the letter was written in the past. Very thought-provoking. Fantastic!
At first I wouldn't have minded a couple of plantation slaves being about, near the picnic, to add a sense of realism, but, of course, hindsight doesn't want the realism.
At first, I didn't like the 'And, it sure is beautiful here.' With the aid of hindsight I see it's memorable which is important and you get away with it. The red herring of the letters dwindling in number was brilliant - it made me forget about the prompt and expect a 'Dear John' letter (husband dumping wife).


Reaction: This really caught me out at the end. I didn't notice all the mistakes on the first read because I was enjoying it so much. Well done. 


8. Black Wings of Everwaking. 12/20


SPaG: 5/5, T&V: 2/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 2/5.


SPaG: Can't find any problems except a style difference from my own.


T&V: '…bending her brain...' gives the author a young-sounding voice. Nothing wrong with that but, with me, you lose a bit of Writers' Authority.


'Wendy woke', ''crayon-green grass', I wasn't keen on the 'crayon' and wonder if you used it to 'hide' the 'Wendy woke' then the 'green grass'. Later you have 'glimmering glass' and 'world wavering'. I think it's practically impossible to avoid some of this like 'her heels' or 'golf course' quickly followed by 'great mansion', impossible, therefore I'd be thrifty with it.


'Cracks appeared in the white ceiling.' You like an adjective before a lot of nouns 'white cream' and 'red strawberries' - nothing wrong with this (apart from the reader already knowing the colour of cream and strawberries) but they're all examples of how this technique slowed things down for me. It's not your fault that I found it overly descriptive.


Some creative and imaginative description, i.e. 'no more, no more…' 
And 'Crack, the plaster, crack the lightning, and her brain ever-screaming no more!'
I liked this but found it difficult to read. Perhaps italicize the 'cracks' or 'the plaster' and 'the lightning'.


Evaluation: A nice, clever take on the prompt. I enjoyed the second read much more than the first because the extra description and extra creativity was difficult - had me out of my comfort zone a bit even though I appreciated it. Pleasantly challenging to read.


Reaction: Overall you reached a bit too far with me. Some beautiful ideas but I like easier reads (not your fault).


9. The Breathless 14/20


SPaG: 4/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 4/5.


SPaG: '…where you are?' he said.
That was the only mistake I spotted.




T&V: Because you used the word 'mother' (letting me know/think the MC was a child), I thought the MC was a girl. When I read 'Jonah' halfway in I thought 'odd name for a girl' and carried on thinking the MC was a girl, so 'We're losing him!' confused me for a mo'. 


'Not your fault,' he said. I don't think you need this here. Because of the following: I breathed, my voice crackled, I choked. I gasped. I inhaled. I would save the he/she said and swap it, if required. Not all of these were dialogue tags but I did notice a lot of them (I choked, etc.), to the point where they became intrusive.
My breath caught in my throat. I'd prefer 'The' but didn't really like this whole sentence, it's similar to the I breathed/I choked, etc. 


Mostly simple in a way that suited the child's first-person prose. A nice, pleasant read.


Evaluation: Great title! A good, solid, out-of-body, deathbed experience. I was expecting stories like this, though.
Also, towards the end I felt you were struggling to hold it together - the complexity of four characters in two different places (one invisible) got a little messy. My mind struggled with the lack of imagery, when it didn't struggle earlier. 


Reaction: 'Vital signs dropping.' Informed me it was a deathbed scene. The scream, a couple of sentences later seemed out of place, and I started wanting the end, sorry. This was strange considering I was really enthralled up to the scream. I felt I was practically predicting the lines after the scream. But I still found this different, enjoyable and refreshing, well done.


10. But I haven't seen Dubai 10/20


SPaG: 4/5, T&V: 2/5, Evaluation: 2/5, Reaction: 2/5.


SPaG: The title is not part of the 650 words, therefore I resolutely refuse to comment on the lack of capitals for the 'haven't' and 'seen'. 
-onto the prose: starting sentences with 'But' or 'And' is grammatically wrong. But (J) it is a rule most of us break for a bit of extra oomph. So, when I do it I make sure they're punchy. I don't think yours are punchy enough, hence the point off.


T&V: 'But there only dread welcomed me:' I prefer, 'Only dread welcomed me there.' For some reason I was thinking, 'But their only dread…'


'…it would not leave me in safe hands and willing myself to rise,' There's a problem here.


'…tears of glass…' 'crying' Because of the ambiguous pronunciation of 'tears' I had to look at this a few times before noticing 'crying'. 
In fact I wasn't that keen on the description of someone's abstract thoughts in this situation. It's difficult to make a mental link to the reader with all this.


'I opened my eyes to shapes, colour and texture, and yet saw nothing.' I think it's better with the 's' on 'shape', and the other 'correction' is more reader-friendly. 


Evaluation: it's an adequate link to the prompt. Unfortunately there's already a few 'out-of-body' situations in this month's comp. The 'But I haven't…' made me think the MC hasn't 'sunk into nothing'. It's only due to going over this a few times, because I'm a judge, that I see the link to the title. 


Reaction: I appreciated some things like the reflections in the wing mirror and 'the presence' although it was a bit confused with the MC's own presence.


11. Dead and Dreaming 11/20


SPaG: 4/5, T&V: 4/5, Evaluation: 1/5, Reaction: 3/5.


SPaG: I'd italicise 'en route'.
"Lynne said, 'I do'."
Flatlined - one word.


T&V: Displays/ better days - you're a poet and you didn't knowet.
Who says 'wouldn't know' ? This is the first time you need a 'said Mack' because it initially confused me - surely Mack would know if he was groggy or not. When "Lynne said, 'I do'." it feels like a response to 'Dream any?' which was confusing.
It sometimes looks like you are desperately avoiding 'he said/she said'; sometimes things are conspicuous by their absence. Stop me scanning up and down to work out who's saying what. You only need it once or twice, so do it (help me out if you want my custom).
'; days like today - I call him smart.' I'm not keen on this. Perhaps 'On days like today.'
I don't know what a 'jock' is. It feels like an insult, but after 'smart'? 
How does Lieutenant Ted Fisher become Dr Fischer? How does Admiral Shelley command the Admiral Shelley?
At first I didn't get the '…Lynne Strong. Six children and now a husband.'
Generally, I got a good feel for this voice. It's got character and a bit of oomph mixed in. Despite all the problems there's a great feel/atmosphere to the whole piece, well done. 


Evaluation: Not a great title (I've done this myself, but, because of BDCharles, I realise this is a bit lazy). Oh, I hope you're not BDCharles! 
I didn't know what a N.E.S.T. is. There were a few distracting things that had me frowning, puzzled. i.e. 'Alec got medical disability?' 
I can't see any link to the prompt, at all. Sorry.


Reaction: I enjoyed the read. Technically, there's loads of problems but I can't deny that, as a reader, I liked it.


12. The Harpist 6/20


SPaG: 2/5, T&V: 2/5, Evaluation: 1/5, Reaction: 1/5.


SPaG: As in '…hot, dry wind…', 'dark curly hair should have the comma.
'played the harp', 'played the people' I'd put a comma after the emboldened 'played'. In fact there were a few more comma omissions/inclusions I disagree with. 
'; he heard singing…' I don't get the semi colon here.
'And in front…' Grammatically incorrect. 
'skirts'?
'high priest' should be High Priest if it's a proper noun.


T&V: 'feet beat', 'strings sang', 'harp hit', I'm just not keen on this sort of thing. 
'stood like a stone' I think you mean the cliché - as still as stone. 
I felt an element of confusion all the way through.
The harp was good and the 'off key' was nicely comedic.


Evaluation: I'm sure the prompt has inspired you to come up with this. Unfortunately, apart from the High Priests chants being 'lifeless' and '…all he saw were the dead.' I can't see much of a link. Where's the real dead? Where's the dreams?
On the first read I thought the MC young. For some reason, 'thirteen' stuck in my mind. On the second read I started wondering if he was old. 


Reaction: This didn't do a lot for me, I'm afraid. The religious aspect didn't help. The ending had me shaking my head in puzzlement.


13. Morning Star 10/20 


SPaG: 2/5, T&V: 3/5, Evaluation: 3/5, Reaction: 2/5.


SPaG: ' "…name again?" He asked', ' "I'm sorry!" He gasped… ', ' "What's funny, Morningstar?" He asked,' ' "Who are you?" He choked, ' "That's ridiculous!" He wailed.' all should be 'he'.
'Morningstar said, loudly.' and 'Morningstar said, flatly.' 'She said, instantly.' I don't like the add-ons but that's my taste.
'swollen, red head…' You know this should be comma'd.
"Oh. I suppose. Because…' I'd prefer commas.
'all was melting.' Lower case feels a bit awkward linked to the concrete and chair but, 'All was melting.' feels better.
"Psychopathy," I just googled this and prefer losing the 'y'.


T&V: Good atmosphere to the story. There's an insanity to it that I liked.
'She tapped her skull.' Her arms are in a straightjacket. You get away with these things because of the dreamlike quality.
I liked the way you split up a character's dialogue here and there
'…for far, far too long.' Nicely creative but made me think 'Fee-fi-fo-fum.'
..'fat, pudgy…' I'd just use one or the other.


Evaluation: Okay, so, I'm guessing Morningstar's dead, thinks she's asleep, and has dreamed-up Timothy. I'm not sure what the 'Pelagious' surname refers to. 
I liked the way everything deteriorates towards the end. Really nice imagery with the swollen, red head, etc.


Reaction: Mad enough for me to like, but a bit too mad for me to love.




[/spoiler2]




[spoiler2="-xXx-"]
1
Dead and Dreaming (645w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5


overall 19/20


review/comment:
best-of-month veldt-experience
rich detail. mere glimpse concrete. skillful embed.


"Yet, even Venus cannot refute the insurmountable power of the dawning sun so it fades away with grace


Our star, seemingly rested for the entire night and impatient to reign supreme, hurls....


….clutching his prize: a crimson and green faggot of feathers, flesh, and bones.


At first, they fly together, side by side, celebrating his victory. Abruptly, she pivots and calls, turning over beneath him: flying upside-down. Her feet touch his, ever so gently, and he surrenders his prise to her, in spite of his hunger. Her talons grip the precious bundle, and she inverts herself, heading straight for their nest and their incessantly hungry chicks."


===
2
Joe Hill - 1915 (650w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 4/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5


overall 16/20


review/comment:
best-of-month artistic expression AS positive
nice interpretation of theme. would like to see less cinematic, more reader-dream-driven narrative. possible approach would be interlace jim with periodic dreamer reactions to events. possible approach would be jim reaction expression. (take a look at moodswings)


"In the early morning hours, a song on the radio by my bed begged me to come awake. I fell deeper into a dream about a dead man, still alive, instead. 


Ref woodstock, baez 1969


My dream had ended, and I awoke."


===
3
Exhibit A (643w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5


overall 19/20


review/comment:
best-of-month attachment humo(u)r
vivid images! humo(u)r points! naming points! couple divisor/dividend (industry/governance), neu-phoak tale.


"
"Travis looked into his binoculars at the ‘human ant farm’ below; at the couch potatoes watching their daily television fix or playing video games, an army of teenagers worshiping low life celebrities, pop stars and supermodels, drug addicts, gamblers and other purposeless wanderers. He shook with contempt. 


“They produce units of labour during the day and this is how they choose to spend the time they have spare,” pointed out Bickerman. “They don’t engage in politics, they don’t care about their planet, it’s like they are dead, but still dreaming about how much better their lives could be.”


“The mercantile council must also privatize our exhibits B and C, ‘the pensioners and welfare recipients’ and the cost of doing business will be...


….low life government, bureaucrats sure know how to squeeze honest businessmen for all their worth!”


….more crematoriums to cope with the other exhibits and that’s coming out of the government’s budget!” "


ref, pace like lion/green goo


===
4
One Dead, One Dreaming (650w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5


overall 18/20


review/comment:
best-of-month class of one
richly layered. everything worthwhile happening just below the surface. juxtaposition and transition points. tricky story arc. double ding for the final statement though.


===
5
Moodswings (650w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5


overall 18/20


review/comment:
best-of-month sequence
chars juxtaposition/reversal, benson/tobins
technique points, intro context, definite sequencing with intensifying reaction. solid names. nice juxtaposition and reversal. one hefty in the midst.


"The monolithic intellect of the scientific community would fall on me like a collapsing ice-shelf.


Art – it all made sense now. I never knew before that it was pain abstracted, bleeding out where our pores were too small. Religion was man’s punishment to man after Jesus, that paranoid schizophrenic, led us into millennia of unconscionable misunderstanding. Soon I could only pray the world would burst, that my mind might fail, that I would die or be reduced to the status of the ever-dreamer. But that was exactly what had happened; I’d fallen into darkness. I was changed, evil, drowning. "


===
6
Northern Lights (639w)
spag 5/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5


overall 18/20


review/comment:
best-of-month KISS, final scene
name points, technique points, simple, direct dialogue. leapfrog retelling cross generational bliss.


“They say a lot of things, Jirra.” 


===
7
WAR BRIDE (645w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5


overall 17/20


review/comment:
best-of-month single echo crossover
technique points. duality of death, gentle.


“Emmy honey, I’m home. And, it sure is beautiful here!”


===
8
Black Wings of Everwaking (650w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5


overall 18/20


review/comment:
best-of-month gracious use of archetype
vivid. technique points. reframe smooth. 225 words of notes.


"As the drums rose, she saw it descending on the obelisk. Its wings and eyes and breath all whirled, all spun, dancing together in the cacophony of their strangeness. She stared, locked in place as before, but when the melody begun, she swayed with it, mesmerized.


Reality spread its wings. Wendy realized that it—he, she?—was a Person. Nearer and nearer it came, full of brilliance which she had only called darkness because she could not see it."


===
9
The Breathless (287w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 4/5


overall 18/20


review/comment:
best-of-month dialogue
technique points, asynchronous interlace, dialogue(sound symbols) AS device


===
10
But I haven’t seen Dubai (505w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5


overall 19/20


review/comment:
best-of-month title AS wrapper
chars self.self
vivid details. technique points, cluster, dialogue(sound symbols) AS device


"I strained every sinew, commanded every cell, screamed at every muscle...


A thousand tears of glass were shattered upon the road, crying in jaundiced light.


I rallied against it,.... "


===
11
Dead and Dreaming (650w, mild language)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5


overall 17/20


review/comment:
best-of-month reframe
reframe context points. may be too subtle for some readers. solid first person. consider an edit. the concept is worth it. you did well with the level of complexity.


"Some say dreams in stasis can be more real than real life.


The room’s green and yellow displays glow with the comfort of routine and better days. I take the Shelley’s pulse."


===
12
The Harpist (650w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 1/5


overall 15/20


review/comment:
best-of-month thick archetypes
traded out archetypes for writing evaluation, after extracting occluded (512 words, notes).
hogroasts are still a community thing in many parts.
not much nekkid with it though.  


===
13
Morningstar (646w)
spag 4/5
tone/voice 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5


overall 19/20


review/comment:
best-of-month ambiguity AS device
unreliable narrator.
technique points, inversion-conceptual surrealism. name points.


" “I never dreamed that part,” Morningstar mused.


Tim looked towards the howling sky. Tentacles descended, drooping from the whirling black vortex like slimy pink vines, curling towards Morningstar’s tiny, pale, death-white form. "




[/spoiler2]





StoryAuthorMa'amEpimetheusFatclub-xXx-Average1 Dead and DreamingTim16.5161319*16.125*2 Joe Hill - 1915SueC179.5151614.3753 Exhibit AMish16.512.51219154 One Dead, One DreamingFatclub15.513         ---18_     Judge[15.5]_5 Moodswingsbdcharles16.514.51118156 Northern LightsLuckyscars16.5991813.1257 WAR BRIDEPlaidman15.515.51617*16*8 Black Wings of EverwakingArrowInTheBowOfTheLord16.517.51218*16*9 The BreathlessBigBagOfBasmatiRice151314181510 But I Haven't  Seen DubaiEpimetheus15.5               ---1019_    Judge [14.8]_11Dead and DreamingMegan Pearson161211171412 The Harpistundead_av15.517.561513.513 MorningstarBornForBurning15.514.5101914.75


*1st place - Tim "Dead and Dreaming" 16.125pts avg

2nd place (tie) - Plaidman "War Bride" 16pts avg. 

2nd place (tie) - ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord "Black Wings of Everwaking" 16pts avg 

*Congrats to everyone who entered, well done.  Tim, you will be getting a shiny new award on your profile!


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## epimetheus (Aug 26, 2019)

Congrats to the winners. Happy to see the eventual winner: though it didn't rank highest in my scores, it's the story that has stayed with me the most.


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## bdcharles (Aug 26, 2019)

Well done Tim, Plaidman and Arrow/Lord  Great comp, well hosted - slightly worried about getting back into the driving seat...


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## Fatclub (Aug 26, 2019)

Congrats Tim - I still remember your Warden story and glass-eating rat story, so not before time.


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## PiP (Aug 26, 2019)

Congrats, Tim! Thoroughly enjoyed! In fact, I enjoyed all the entries this month... the People's Choice poll was a great idea and kept the momentum going until the end!!


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## BornForBurning (Aug 26, 2019)

The fact that Northern Lights got the _lowest score _is unironically a crime.


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## -xXx- (Aug 26, 2019)

BornForBurning said:


> The fact that Northern Lights got the _lowest score _is unironically a crime.


ummmm.
that can be my fault.
i'm criminally unironic frequently.
seldom intentionally.
sincere apologies,


----------



## Mish (Aug 26, 2019)

Congrats Tim! That was an original piece of work, well done!

A great big thank you to the judges, your feedback is invaluable! To tell you the truth, your feedback is one of the main reasons I even enter these competitions. And see, my entry score is the same as bdcharles's this time, so the quality of my writing is definitely improving, all thanks to you! Also, I'm glad that all the judges understood the intention and the meaning of my story, I was worried it may not come across too well. 

A special mention in regards to "One Dead, One Dreaming" and "Northern Lights". I quite enjoyed these two!


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## Tim (Aug 26, 2019)

Fatclub said:


> Congrats Tim - I still remember your Warden story and glass-eating rat story, so not before time.



I'm stoked you remembered my stories. Thank you.


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## Tim (Aug 26, 2019)

Thank you everyone. Especially the readers. Photo finish though: wheew.

I'd like to thank Velo for hosting, Judges, and other entrants. I love the feedback from these comp's.


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## SueC (Aug 26, 2019)

Good job, Tim! Really loved the story and congratulations. Well done.


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## Plaidman (Aug 27, 2019)

Congratulations Tim!  I really enjoyed your story.

Also, judges, thank you for your critiques.  They were very helpful.


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## Megan Pearson (Aug 28, 2019)

Congratulations Tim, Plaidman, and Arrow! 

Thanks so much, judges! 

It was so much fun having an anonymous challenge!


----------

