# Scores: March 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Apr 2, 2022)

Scores time, I fancy. Who produced the maddest March story?


StoryAuthorPrarieHostageKatPCVrangerKeganThompsonAverageAliceS J Ward1618.31618.2517.1375*3*What I Thought I KnewTheChristianWitness1417.41816.516.475Unexpected ReflectionsLawless1518.22016.2517.3625*2*Gracie's ParadiseJardis1318.51613.515.25The Veracity Mirrorpiperofyork1718.2201718.05*1*BradTerraLiga1419.61618.517.025KatPCShadowsJUDGEJUDGEJUDGEJUDGEJUDGEOmnistasiumBiograph19851212.414.513.513.1

So, if my adding up and dividing skills are in order, these are our top three...

1st: The Veracity Mirror_ by piperofyork_
2nd: Unexpected Reflections_ by Lawless_
3rd: Alice _by S J Ward_

Many thanks, of course, to our splendid quartet of judges for their insights. Here are their comments...



Spoiler: PrarieHostage scores



Author/Title: Anon/Alice

Review - I loved this story and had a good time reading it. It's original. First Person voice and present tense works well. Personality and mood jumps off the page. Nice use of a glass bottom boat as a looking glass for kids' wild imaginings. The only weak aspect was spag.

SPaG: 3
Several uneccessary commas, a couple periods instead of commas, and a missing comma.
Grammar: 'bird from its hard fought meal'
Uneccessary word 'meanwhile', languidly look not looking.
'Massive starfish!’ And is ignored should be are ignored, shouts being plural.

T&V: 4

Full marks except there could have been more sensory detail. Ice cream smeared faces smudge the glass? Something more about the kids unruly behavior.

Evaluation 4

The conclusion is cute. A skipper waits for the sighting of a 'dead body' from the overactive imagination of 'moaning little blighters.'
Only one misordered detail:
'believe glass might actually shatter' appears in the para preceding 'the glass underbelly of Alice.'

Reaction: 5
Full marks for originality. If not for the spag, it's a real winner.

Overall score: 16



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Author/Title: CheistianWitness/What I Thought I Knew

Review - I like any story about war and enjoyed reading the memory of a WWII serviceman about his father in 1914 Britain. Nice reveal at the end where we learn the story is posthumously told. The narrator wrote his memory in a bible. First Person voice and past tense works well and nice foreshadowing when pops says '_at least not for a while_' when his son asks '_can I go with you'._

Intriguing use of the _looking glass_ theme as a son looks at his father's actions in a new way, recognizing his impression was distorted as a youngster.

The story has instances of passive language and one cliche. Otherwise, SPAG is fine and the tone is somber throughout, matching the sadness of father and son unable to escape death in war.

SPaG: 3

Spelling and punctuation is fine.

Passive sentences appear (_flowers were showered, kisses were blown, be acting so morose, I was awakened, I had expected, they had hit_). Weasel words _were, be, was & had_ can be removed and sentences revised to active vs passive. Unless you want to write solely the father's action in a passive way, since that's how the son saw his father.
'_Cacophony of chaos_' is used often and this story deserves an original way to describe the sensory detail of Britain bombed. Get into the emotion of remembering this childhood moment. Flowers & kisses are replaced with flying body parts and an old lady run over by a fire truck? You get my drift.

T&V: 4

Full marks for a dreary tone throughout. The MC voice can share more sensory detail. Something more about death finding them whether on the brooding east coast of Britain or the cheerful bliss of a Pacific island. Or how he may have embellished or blocked details after years of remembering.

Evaluation 3

The conclusion is sad, but a tiny bit confusing. *I think I've found the answer* leaves me guessing. Was the answer to *face* death instead of *run from* it like his father did? If so, what did the father escape in America in 1914? Woodrow Wilson declared neutrality until the U.S. officially entered the war in 1917. What the father escapes might need a bit of tightening.

_What I thought I knew _implies the son thought his father a coward who tried to run from death but then ran towards it?

Reaction: 4

I love a father son story and was left feeling sad for these men who gifted the greatest thing, their lives. This story has _good_ bones which can become _great_ with a little love. Some questions. How did the son find the answer? By remembering the bravery of his father running into an exploding building *despite* his fear? Those moments beg to be captured by elegant prose to illustrate their sacrifice.

Even something as simple as a look shared between father and son. Maybe what he saw in his father's eyes before he bolted toward the city? Resigned to his fate in spite of the tidal wave of fear slamming up against him. A thousand words aren't enuf to describe what motivated men in one instant during war. Duty? Love for country? Fatalism? Fear of what others would think or worse, what they'd think about themselves? Belief in freedom against tyranny? Your characters actions deserve a little more depth. It may just be my penchant for the deep, but we can maximize opportunities to make our reader feel even more.

Overall score: 14



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Author/Title: Lawless/Unexpected Reflections

Review - A cute fable about a series of animals and a girl who see something different than themselves reflected in a mirror in the forest. The mirror tells the hare how to hide it's burrow and helps it obtain the human scent it seeks. The tone is light and the dialogue crisp. Nice use of a mirror as a looking glass for forest dwellers. The only weak aspect is prose lacks a bit of sensory detail for place & setting and character.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, punctuation and grammar are all fine.
The hare stood there cluelessly, then ran away. Cluelessly seems a bit awkward. Clueless works.

T&V: 4

This story moved along at a pleasant pace, the mirror chatting with each visitor. It could be made even more delightful with a bit more sensory detail. A forest and animals are lovely opportunities to visualize. A hare *hopped* around in the *lush* forest, *red* fox, a bear *lumbered* past the magic mirror, little things like an adjective or changing a verb to illustrate in the reader's mind. I'm not sure if the word magic is used more than once. If so, consider using enchanted or mysterious.

Evaluation 3

The conclusion is cute. A magic mirror helps a hare hide it's burrow with human scent. It reads like a children's bedtime story. It's harmonious and has a simple narrative arc.

Reaction: 3

This was a quick read. The story is simple and may be strengthened with a few complexities. It's interesting the mirror helped the hare and the hen, both easy prey for the fox and wolf. I loved the bear saying whatever.


Overall score: 15



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Author/Title: Jardis/Gracie's Paradise

Review - I like the creative cadence of this piece, with short and long sentences. Excellent use of first person with barely any sentences that start with "I". For much of this story, I was confused. Will all readers know what Yooper Troopers are? I guessed state troopers. Was it a puppy or an actual child that drowned? Who was the asset, the _sick bitch_ they hadn't found? If the MC is the asset, I think that needs to be strengthened.

SPaG: 3
Spelling and punctuation are fine. Grammar veers into too many adjectives which clutter sentences (bohemian, writer, artist, rich-boy eccentric, small but beautiful, bazillion). A few repeat words throughout (bohemian, perhaps).
Loudened is indeed a word, but it feels clunky.
Let the story's content wow the reader more than inner dialogue (my god).

T&V: 4

First Person voice of what I guess to be a female partner to Ollie? Barely any sentences start with "I" which is great! The tone is reminiscent and desperate (drinking, drowning). The story has good sensory detail (sunflowers, pond, country road maze, shuttered windows and spiderweb of fractures). I think tone and voice are this story's strength.

Evaluation 3

The conclusion is desperate, filled with guilt. The main character feels bad about letting a puppy die under her watch? The last sentence says her _little hands around my legs_ so was it an actual child that drowned? Puppies have paws not hands. Also I didn't know what the _elusive neighbor _meant or who the asset they hadn't found was.

Reaction: 3
With a bit more clarity, this story can be elevated from fair to great! I think it needs to be clarified in the the opening scene that it's MC's memory. Skilled use of first person voice and sensory detail convey a moody tone which made me want to keep reading. Overuse or repetition of adjectives took me out of the story. I'm not sure if the reader is supposed to be left guessing if Gracie was a puppy or child, or if the main character commit suicide at the end, but I think the story would benefit with a stronger hint either way.

Overall score: 13



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Author/Title: Piperofyork/The Veracity Mirror



Review: a funny story about a battle weary buffon who thinks nothing of spilling blood to find the veracity mirror. From then on, the story takes the truth mirror trope and turns it upside down. Vera, as the veracity mirror likes to be called, suffers no fools. This entertaining story follows our protag to his end as he searches for an answer to his burning desire of becoming a god.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar is impeccable. No typos or incorrect constructions. Tense remains true throughout and tone and voice are consistent.

T&V: 4
This story has a comedic tone in a dark humor kind of way. Third person voice works well. The piece has a Monty Python personality and mood to it. I wouldn't say the story pops off the page, but it's a fun twist on Snow White or the Greek Narcissus.

Evaluation: 4
The effect of all of the elements, SPaG, tone & voice work well together. The story is harmonious and has a narrative arc. It follows the culmination of Gallachai's vain pursuit to find the rather _conversational_ Veracity Mirror (Vera) who tells him a disappointing truth before he meets his end. I like where the story starts, depicting his bloodlust for being a god. The conclusion nicely follows in that not only is he not a god, but he is bettered by his _imbecilic_ guard lol.The prompt is not in evidence as the reader doesn't know how Gallachai came to be so hungry to be a god. His chracter development is therefore non-existent. But the story's internal consistency and structure works.

Reaction: 4
This story has a comedic touch in the vein of Monty Python and I enjoyed it. I especially love sparse prose that gets to the point of a story rather than digress into a spiral of adjectives. Funny conversation around ex girlfriends or wives instead of the meatier things one would expect with Vera, the whole piece turns the truth mirror trope upside down. Well done.

Overall: 17



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Author/Title: TerraLiga/Brad

Review: a moody story about a bitter bartender reminiscing over the college injury that prevented him making the big time and getting out of his small town.

SPaG: 4
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar is almost perfect. One unnecessary comma after _they bore me._ No typos or incorrect constructions. Tense remains true throughout and tone and voice are consistent. Only issue I can find is repeat of the word dull (or its variant) in first two paragraphs.

T&V: 4
This story has a dark tone that doesn't let up. First person voice works well. Having read a few from this author, the piece has a typical TerraLiga feel to it. Despair drips off the main character and the situation. Sticking with only bitterness leaves the main character looking almost like a caricature. A slight peek into another nuance of him would have intrigued.

Evaluation: 3
The effect of all of the elements, SPaG, tone & voice work well together. The story is harmonious and has a narrative arc. It follows the culmination of Brad's bitter reaction to the end of his sports career. His bitterness knows no bounds and has stretched into paranoia as he suspects people snigger at him behind his back and taunt him with questions. The conclusion follows he did away with Angelo. His chracter development is one of devolution. The story's internal consistency and structure works.

Reaction: 3
This story left me wanting more. It has opportunities for creative prose to provide insight into Brad. Beach, forest, lake, mountains and natural wonders could have been replaced with hot women who told you with one look they'd give it up or dance clubs/raves with an endless supply of molly, something you'd find in a big city. He's not an outdoorsy guy looking for a mountain to climb. He's a stone cold killer. The mirror behind the bar distorts how Brad sees the townsfolk. Lacking any self awareness (his own distortion of self) his only power play is to know exactly what happened to Angelo Ducass. Some depth prior to this set up about how Brad thought he was a nice enough kid with his black curly hair and dimples. Makes the shiv all the nastier. I hope you develop the story because the bones are there.

Overall: 14



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Author/Title: KatPC/Shadows

Review: a story about a gentleman named Mr Gary and his associate (friend?) Kat musing about the effect of shadows on their lives. As a reader, I can't discern what the story is about or what's happening to it's characters because the content is rather vague.

SPaG: 3
Spelling & Punctuation are fine. Grammar slips in places. She has *some* dark shadows (can lose the word *some*). Questions I can't really answer (drop *find an*).
Present tense does not remain true with the use of *could* vs *can* in _could muster the energy_.
I don't know what this sentence means: _Sometimes you to let the mind escape to the sun, and others when to dim the light so it can have a little rest_.
Down *an* unlit instead of down *this* unlit.
Regret*(s)* are for idiots - regret should be plural and can remove word *the*

T&V: 3
Tone is nebulous, perhaps fitting since shadows make things appear different. Voice belongs to Mr Gary in first person. The piece has a dismal mood to it, but the story doesn't materialize on the page for me. Concepts of hiding in shadows or behind a mask, lies that make us feel safe, and feeling loss are presented with no info on what Mr Gary actually lost, what type of world he lives in or what type of work he does. As a reader, I can't infer from the info provided.

Evaluation: 2
The effect of all of the elements, SPaG, tone & voice do not work together. The story is too vague and therefore I couldn't discern a clear narrative arc. It follows Kat having an assignment which she feels too tired to complete and Mr Gary offering relief in the way of a drive & some candy, then he returns to work feeling a sense of loss. I didn't see the prompt or know enough about the world in which this story takes place. Character development is also difficult to see. The story's internal consistency and structure can't work because it lacks details.
In first para the use of the word *they* does not draw me in as a reader. Better to replace pronouns with specifics. *Xander* is introduced as a character with no follow up. Concept of a *mask* is introduced with no follow up. Why are these *moments dear* and what are the *lessons*? Lack of insight to Mr Gary's inner thoughts leaves me wondering.

Reaction: 2
This story plays with light and shadow as it holds meaning for two characters, Kat & Mr Gary. However lack of detail leaves me as a reader, pardon the pun, completely in the dark. With nothing specific to grab onto, I can't attach to the characters or see a narrative arc.

Overall: 10



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Author/Title: biography 1985/Omnistasium

Review: a story that (bravely) plays with big concepts of perception and reality, self awareness & purpose for being. As a reader, I find the technical opening para somewhat off putting which immediately bumped me out of the story. Might be better to open with: _Fsaar and Qicomr search for an A-875 asteroid to stave off the impending extinction of their home planet Dastyra. Inside the asteroid is a crucial element, a viscous liquid known as omnistasium._Then launch into your world building and dialogue between Fsaar and Adraas and further action.

SPaG: 4
Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar are fine. *Depleted by resignation* was a phrase I don't understand.

T&V: 3
Tone is scientific and voice is third person. The piece has a dystopian mood and often veers into the technical. Concepts of perception vs reality, self awareness and purpose of being are interesting, but It's hard to understand what these concepts *mean* to the characters since the reader doesn't know what type of species they are. Computers? AI, alien or human? And the reader doesn't experience anything *with* them as they are affected by the omnistasium. Other than the last para where we see they've succumbed to the _futility of being_. Even a line to say Adraas hoped his child or protege would not befall the same fate as he floated deeper into the dark.

Evaluation: 3
The effect of all of the elements, SPaG, tone & voice work well together to an extent. It follows the culmination of their expedition going bad. The prompt is in evidence as the reader is told about the world and the reason for the expedition. The story's internal consistency and narrative arc structure works because there's a prompt, action and result. How the change that occurs to Fsaar and Qicomr is experienced is not described, therefore I can't discern a clear character arc. These poor blighters are not successful in their mission since the omnistasium renders them incapable. Adraas is equally doomed since he/she/it is pulled into the paraboloid. The story would be strengthened if the reader could experience their reaction to this.

Reaction: 2
This story plays with perception vs reality, self awareness and purpose for being. I wanted to attach to the characters more. Without that attachment, the story reads factual vs emotional. Even if your characters lack emotion, they must have a built in chip for survival. Their actions seem docile vs survivalist.

Overall: 12





Spoiler: KatPC scores



#1
*Alice by Anon – 18.3*

SPaG (Score: 4.3)
A charming story. There are a few minor mistakes I spotted, places where commas can be erased but they did little to disturb the flow of the story. Some highlighted errors:
_My question’s directed at the youngsters._ - The question’s own question? I believe ‘question’ is enough here.
‘_Is it white, with blue circles? I question_. - Missing end quotation mark.
_Jovially done, no-one want’s to believe …_ - Jovially done, no one _wants_ to believe …
_Anymore_ – Strangely this is two words.

T&V (Score: 4.8)
A very enjoyable character to read. Jovial and sarcastic - this was a well thought out piece. I enjoyed the mixture of dialogue and inner thought, it made the MC shine. I read with that picture and journey of a rowdy bunch of kids looking for star fish, jellyfish, crabs and more, on this glass bottomed boat, with parents relaxing and the skipper in control.

Evaluation (Score: 4.6)
The story flowed well and the MC was clear and distinct. Bar the awkward first sentence and a few extra commas, there was little disturbance to the read and as a result it added to the enjoyment of the story. The clever name of the ship, to the funny sightings made it light hearted and fun. Wonderful job.

Reaction (Score: 4.6)
This is an entertaining, well paced and smooth-to-read piece. Its smart title (very clever) along with the idea of kids looking through port holes added towards the references for the prompt. For the first story out, you have set the bar very high. Well done.


#2
*What I thought I knew by TheChristianWitness – 17.4*

SPaG (Score: 4.8)
A very articulate piece of writing. You did well in packing so much into a 650 word count. A few spelling errors:
_Downtown_ – down-town
_Weaseled _– weaselled
_rearview_ – rear-view
Bar these tiny errors this was a very clean write.

T&V (Score: 4.7)
Strong. The tone and voice of the story was well told. The man recollecting his thoughts 27 years previous was a good touch, it brought the whole topic together. An American living in Britain only (later) to be caught in the same plight as his father. The story held a sense of silent regret but upon reaching the last few lines, the piece completely changes complexion and focus is made towards faith.

Evaluation (Score: 3.6) -1 for missing the brief
This is a good story. With a larger word count I feel more colour would be added to this piece, however I was unsure about the end twist. The deliberate italics for the last sentence emphasised a religious underlining that seemed to pull away from the title brief ‘Looking Glass.’ The story flirted with the idea of ‘reflections’ via recollections (thus this piece can be said to have touched on the criteria) – clever, but with the heavy tone of faith at the ending I felt this story missed the ‘Looking Glass’ brief. My experience of this piece was one of looking towards God and remembering his father, with no mirrors or looking glass in reference hence, sadly, a deduction to the piece.

Reaction (Score: 4.3)
East coast of Britain. This is a good story, but I am British and the East coast is huge. When I first read this I thought of Scotland, then changed my mind to Teeside, and then thought … maybe further down towards Norfolk and Suffolk. In the end I was unsure. It was odd because you were precise with dates and details except for location. The importance of this is that life in Scotland, Newcastle, Norwich are all very different. The English dislike the Scots, and there is a sort of ‘North/South’ divide whereby Northerns are more labourers and the South are the more affluent and snobbish type.

The writing is good, the strongest in the field, and this reader’s thoughts are suggestions to improve rather than be critical.

# 3
*Unexpected Reflections by Lawless – 18.2*

SPaG (Score: 4.5)
A clean write Lawless. A nitpick and query:
_The hare approached gingerly and wondered: "Why is my reflection a fox?"
"Because he's going to be the next animal passing by here," replied the mirror.
"Oh. Guess I better be on my way then."_

In this instance the hare ‘wonders’ so we are entering head thought, yet it is represented as speech and confirmed it with the mirror’s reply. If the hare ‘wondered aloud’ this would make the speech acceptable, but in the current guise it can be said that the hare is simply thinking this. This raises the question of: Does the mirror read the hare’s thoughts? Maybe this the case but it is unclear. This is complicated by the next line in which hare replies back. If hare was in head thought I’d be shocked to think a mirror could read my mind, but the speech afterwards was perfectly fine meaning the original ‘wondered’ is indeed head thought?

(This is the same with bear.)
The hare stood there cluelessly, then ran away.
I don’t think cluelessly is a word. Substitute with _clueless_ and it still fits with the narrative.

T&V (Score: 4.7)
I have a soft spot for fable type stories.

The simplicity, consistency and general innocence of tone is easily captured and the reader can glide through the lines with the mind vivid in a Little Red Riding Hood-esk world.

Evaluation (Score: 4.5)
A simple and enjoyable read. There is little to go wrong with a dialogue heavy story. Personally I would have dropped one of the animal entrances and added more setting. We don’t know the shape of the mirror. Is oval? Round? Framed? Etc … or the forest itself, nor the season or time of day … This was left to the imagination of the reader. In many ways the lack of details worked as the gentle read story made the reader follow easy format. There are many instances of telling here, which I attribute to the author’s style, as it fits well within this child-like story but if greatly expanded, I can fully delve into a forest world of woodland trees and animals with different personalities and characteristics wondering to a discarded magical mirror knowing the plot, knowing the story but happy in this trapped fable world.

Reaction (Score: 4.5)
This is an enchanting and simple story. The child-like narrative style is ever present with everything tied up nicely. This left for a happy and fun read.

# 4
*Gracie’s Paradise by Jardis – 18.5*
SPaG (Score: 4.5)
Nothing really major to resolve as the story flowed and told well. A few spelling errors:
_Treehouse_ - Tree-house
_Maneuvering_ - manoeuvring
_jesus god – _should be Jesus God – capitals for names.

T&V (Score: 4.7)
This was a gripping story with great pacing. As we follow the protagonist the story peels off the secrets behind Gracie’s Paradise (clever title by the way.) It gathered pace as events unfolded, with the reader close to the narrator’s every word. This closeness made for a compelling read and, simply put, I wanted to find out more knowing we were reaching a crescendo.

Evaluation (Score: 4.6)
Clever. Reflections from the ice, reflections from the drive, a shock of an ending. Very good. I found this a really enjoyable journey to follow. The progression of the piece allowed the story to unfold nicely reaching to the 'slightly annoying' ending, but in reality this captured the whole story well and made me think and wonder.

Reaction (Score: 4.7)
Oh that ending! The openness of it. Was it a girl? Who was the girl? Why did the she hear a bark? The icy pond, to the drinking, to the reminiscing … all these unanswered questions! A wonderful story. Do I want the answers? Yes! Brilliant story.

Personally I would have chopped off a few words at the start, maybe get rid of a few sentences and not make the reader dangle at the end - but maybe all of what I wanted would have changed the flow of the story?

This is a gripping and entertaining piece. Wonderful story.

# 5
*The Veracity Mirror by Piperofyork – 18.2*

SPaG (Score: 4.8)
Interesting piece. On the SPaG watch not much to comment on, very clean.
_Artifact_ – should be artefact

You have a very interesting mix of long and short sentences. Some of the short ones I felt could have been one, whilst the longer ones could have been broken up to a few sentences, yet you did the opposite which is intriguing. Clever.

T&V (Score: 4.5)
The jokey tone kicked in early with it all written behind a sort of ‘semi-serious’ backdrop. The light humour carried well throughout, with this olden- styled setting mixed with modern humour and style made it a very tongue and cheek story.

Evaluation (Score: 4.6)
This is an intriguing piece. The ‘don’t take me so serious’ theme held throughout with the secondary character Radek really being the real MC. It is Radek’s and the Mirror’s relationship that stole the show in the piece. The foolish Gallachai an effective decoy that created a lovely twist.

Reaction (Score: 4.3)
The cheeky satire and dumbing of Gallachai was interesting to follow and the reaction score is purely a personal taste rather than any criticism towards good and witty writing. The only slight criticism of the piece was the turn when Radek poked into the conversation. I found this ‘jumped’ at me rather than a seamless progressive flow, but I portioned this to the tight word limit.


#7 Brad
*Brad by TerraLiga – 19.6*

SPaG (Score: 4.8)
There is little fault with your piece, bar a comma or two.
_Redneck_ – Red-neck

T&V (Score: 4.9)
A wonderful first person POV story. His words, his views, his inner thoughts and speech dovetailed wonderfully to allow the reader to ‘be’ Brad. You could feel his regrets, resentment, his self loathe and anger that it all brought about a reality and bitterness to this story.

The introduction was interesting. The overused word ‘dull’ created a mental image of Brad’s state of mind rather than a completely true reflection of the town so to start that early on gave an early indication to the reader of what to expect. Great writing.

Evaluation (Score: 4.9)
Maybe you have caught this reader in their own ‘bad’ space, but I found this superb. I read without pause, and tried to scrutinise any mistake to mark it down (which is wrong) but this was brilliantly written. As mentioned above, there is a great ‘feel’ to the story and that Brad’s hidden, held back, emotions slowly came out in a perfectly paced piece of writing. The ending wasn’t the star or ‘killer’ punch that a lot of stories may need for impact, but the whole piece flowed. It left this reader in the mind of Brad and for that, whether it is a good place to be in, is wonderful writing.

Reaction (Score: 5)
Little to fault. There is great character development, the reader understands his plight, what happened, the past, this bleak and present future that draws the reader in, not necessarily feeling pity but makes you think about the protagonist. This wasn’t through strength of emotion, but a carefully layered story where each element added to history of the character. Inner thoughts and dialogue ‘showed’ his character. I really enjoyed it.

#8
*Omnistasium by Biograph1985 – 12.4*

SPaG (Score: 4.4)
Sci-fi isn’t my genre but this piece is cleanly written. Besides _Hm_ (should be Hmm) I had issue with the liquid name _omnistasium - _I’m unsure if this is supposed to be small o instead of capital O as the title has a capital O.

There are some awkward passages I struggled to understand:

“_The Dastyra require the reflective property of the omnistasium. In order to continue being, we must see ourselves in it. It replenishes the awareness of being -- a complicated process, and that’s all you need to know.”

“All reality is potentiality although not all potentiality is reality,” replies Adraas._

Maybe this is due to my lack of Sci-fi knowledge but the word ‘being’ confused as did ‘potentiality,’ and it disrupted the flow of reading.

_Sectiom-EB238_ – on the last line should be Section-EB238 I believe.

T&V (Score: 3.5)
Sci-Fi is not my genre thus I found it quite overwhelming to comprehend a raft of names and info: Central Station-BXL-85429, Dastyra, Qicomr, Fsaar, omnistasium, Section-EB238, Adraas, Rviisis and key terms like potentiality and being linked with reality.

There is a definite style you created in your writing though I have to point out that I have read your story a few times and still confused with parts of the story cell block confused.

Evaluation (Score: 2.5) -1 missing the prompt
You have a creative mind, but in a short 650 word format it is tough to apply so much information to a reader for them to follow easily. The potentiality quote I failed to work out and the lower score was because I found no reference to the prompt – Looking Glass.

Reaction (Score: 2)
Please don’t feel bad about this score - I am simply not the reader you wish to attract and have no knowledge of this genre. There were many instances of ‘telling’ in your story. Maybe this is due to the tight word limit but I highlighted some with suggestions:

_Adraas peers closer at Fsaar. Fsaar seems _*disoriented, unfocused.*

_Fsaar _*gravely*_ observes Qicomr’s progress.
inquires Adraas _*suspiciously.*
_depleted by _*resignation*

- The bold are all instances of telling. They do not show the reader anything. What does disorientated look like? Gravely? Suspiciously? Resignation? The reader is told all of this and I ‘see’ nothing.

Don't feel disheartened by this reviewer and thank you for posting.





Spoiler: Vranger Scores



*“Alice”*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 16*

An awkward fragment near the beginning and an awkward comma splice later are my dings on SPAG. As to the story, I thought it read well and captured a mood, but the ending was a bit chopped off … probably on purpose … but I’d have liked it to shed more light on itself.

*“What I thought I Knew” - TheChristianWitness*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18*

Well thought out and poignant. I first thought it might be written too passively, but when the change in tone came, it drew a clear line between the beginning and the rush at the end, and I appreciated the crescendo.

*“Unexpected Reflections” - Lawless*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 20*

Completely enchanting.

*“Gracie’s Paradise” - Jardis*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 16*

Another emotionally gripping story, and well written. There were a couple of places that seemed to be missing a word. It didn’t confuse the meaning, but just seemed a bit awkward without them. The psychological twist was well done.

*“The Veracity Mirror” - Piper of York*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 20*

I find myself giving an unprecedented 2nd 20 point score, because this is the second story that pulled me through it, this time chuckling (okay internally) the whole way. I don’t want to knock any of these other stories, because March has a bumper crop of great writing here … these two just really tickled my fancy. Maybe I’m a sucker for magic mirrors Will there be more?

*“Brad” - TerraLiga*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 16*

Very well written and evocative of the scene. Ding on SPAG was a semi-colon where a colon should be. The ding on reaction is because the ending (at least to me) was telegraphed at the first mention of Angelo. Somehow that needed to hang in the air a bit longer.

*“Shadows” - KatPC*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 16*

There were a few glitches in punctuation and an awkward sentence, but I really liked this despite not quite getting the point. That’s probably on me … it’s been a tough three days in our household and my concentration just isn’t on top of things tonight. There were a lot of cool remarks here that I appreciated, thus my quite high reaction score

*“Omnistasium” - biograph1985*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 3.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 2.5
*Total 14.5*

There was a lot of imagination in this, which is the important foundation of story telling, but the story may have been too ambitious for this format. I’m not a big “show over tell” wonk, but I think this led to an overabundance of telling, and that diluted any emotional appeal I might have gotten from this. It was also a bit heavy on fake-tech jargon at the beginning, and that doesn’t help give the reader a quick connection to the story or the characters. Good potential here, and that potential might have grown in a less constricted format.





Spoiler: Kegan Thompson scores



Anonymous, Alice
SPaG:4.75
T&V: 5
Eval:4
Reac:4.5
Total:18.25
I really liked the voice and comical approach to this piece. The incorporation of the prompt was unique and I appreciate ‘thinking outside the box’ and not referencing an actual mirror. I saw that it was acceptable to use single and double quotes in British English but I feel like using double would've been better for clarity, especially when differencing motions/thoughts vs when a character was speaking. (and/or use italics.) A minor thing, overall I really liked the story.

TWC, What I Thought I knew.
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:3.5
Total:16.5
The prose was clean and well written. A story about WW1 and WW2 is a sad reminder of what was and what could be. At first, I missed the incorporation of the prompt, I think there should’ve been more emphasis on the driver's rearview mirror by slowing it down a bit and being more descriptive. I enjoyed the hope that was added at the very end of the story.

Unexpected Reflections, Lawless
SPaG: 4.75
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:3.5
Total: 16.25
I like the connection from the start of the story to end, regarding the rabbit and his need for human clothing. I really liked the concept of the story, I think it would have benefited if there was more variation in the sentences and how it's structured, but maybe that was exactly what you were going for. Side note: “the smell of a human” sounds more natural to me. Though, I don't know if ‘smell of human,’ is technically wrong.


Gracie’s Paradise, Jardis
SPaG:5
T&V:3
Eval:3
Reac:2.5
Total:13.5
I found the way it was narrated hard to follow. At first, when I read the beginning, I thought Gracie had already died while that scene was taking place (the couple talking about the lake house) But the dialogue was a flashback. The story could have benefited from having present and past tense instead of just past tense. Or you could've saved the narration after the opening dialogue. It also took me a second to realize that what was happening at the end was a projection of past events before she fell in. I liked the idea, when it came to the MC’s alcoholism, I think you did a great job at showing and not telling.

Piperofyork, The Veracity Mirror

SPaG:5
T&V:5
Eval:4
Reac:4
Total: 17
I enjoyed the comedy and it was mostly made up of dialogue. It was a fun read for sure, your prose is always very polished. I have to wonder though, is that mirror somehow his ex-wife? She seems to be almost speaking for Vera and has the same name. lol.

TerraLiga, Brad
SPaG:5
T&V:4.5
Eval:4
Reac:5
Total: 18.5
The narration and how the MC expressed his resentment and contempt was really well done. The ending was satisfying but had a bit of mystery. What did he do to Ducass exactly? (other than just kill him) I think the use of present tense was done well and suited the story.

Biograph1985, Omnistasium
SPaG:4.5
T&V:3
Eval:3
Reac:3
Total:13.5
The type of narration in this story isn't my favorite style, it was quite direct. I found it a bit confusing with everything that was going on. Having numbers for names kind of through me off too. The idea itself, I enjoyed, about needing something to stabilize ‘being.’ Regarding the prompt, was the _It saw too much of itself and the infinities that could have been but never were_ representative of the infinities of images when you put mirrors together? If so, I like that idea.

(i asked Kat if they wanted my scores privately or with the others-I'm waiting for a response before i send it)



If you've a taste for more challenges, check out *our April contest*, open for entries right now!


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## SueC (Apr 2, 2022)

Great stories! Congrats to all!


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## TerraLiga (Apr 2, 2022)

Thank you, judges. I don't think I could do that job.

Unexpected Reflections was my favourite - a very cute and well-thought out story.


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## Lawless (Apr 3, 2022)

Thank you very much, judges. Congrats, piperofyork!


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## VRanger (Apr 3, 2022)

I loved these stories. It was an extremely strong collection, even if a bit on the low side for entries. Less than a point separated first from fourth!

And YES, Grats to Piper, Lawless, and SJ.


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## piperofyork (Apr 3, 2022)

Thank you to the judges, to Harper for hosting, and congratulations to Lawless and SJ! I'm honored to perform well amongst such talented writers. I feel so fortunate to have found this community, and the LM competitions have helped me enormously. This community is such a gem. (Vera confirms this, by the way!)


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## biograph1985 (Apr 3, 2022)

13.1?? *13.1???* Hm, I guess it's good then that I didn't submit my ORIGINAL version. Check it out... (if you dare...)


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