# Entitled to be Untitled for a Day or Calendars



## SilverMoon (May 3, 2016)

sitting up slowly on garden bed
hungover sun -
my tongue round, swollen 
to roof of drouth
jaundiced from downing 
the moon in a shot glass.

liquidated lunacy
tasting like
velvet
fur of pansies
lace atop virginity

then cottonmouthed
unable to shut up the points of stars,
boastful about fallacies of light

which unsights my mind,
the bruise, that never yellows.

Insipid are the stars

Hope, that last dark thing
orbits

someday the moon, the sun
will reconcile

and paint children on my face


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## ned (May 4, 2016)

hello - a hangover, no less - poetically described with some nice, original phrasing

then takes a turn into abstraction, that I don't understand.

unable to shut up the points of stars - is a stretch, under a 'hungover sun'
boastful about fallicies of light - and now, I'm completely lost

after that, the wording is certainly poetic - but meaningless, to me.

if you have a message, then I feel you need a grounded bridge to make the connection.

have to say, the title is terrible (and bad grammar!) 

otherwise, a delight to read
Ned


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## Nellie (May 4, 2016)

ned said:


> then takes a turn into abstraction, that I don't understand.
> 
> unable to shut up the points of stars - is a stretch, under a 'hungover sun'
> boastful about fallicies of light - and now, I'm completely lost
> ...



If it's difficult to understand, then how's it a delight to read? And especially if you don't get the connection? :scratch: Sounds to me this whole poem is "meaningless" to you, so why did you comment?

To me, we are all "Entitled to be........." what the h#!! we want to be. Like Shakespeare once said, "To be or not to be" that's what this is about. And once one drinks too much alcohol, we lose our identity, not knowing who we are or were meant to be, except when it comes to sexuality. Then that's what it's all about, especially for males. Then they are all over and they lose it.  Boasting to their buddies......... then hoping that all will be able to unite like innocent children.

That's what I read. As always, Laurie, your poems pass our imagination. Thanks for making us think outside the box.


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## SilverMoon (May 4, 2016)

This is one of my more esoteric poems so understand why you need some clarification.



> Originally Posted by *ned*
> 
> 
> then takes a turn into abstraction, that I don't understand.
> ...



*unable to shut up the points of stars - is a stretch, under a 'hungover sun' 

*_"Cottonmouthed_" (missing operative word in your quote) -  the inability to clearly articulate due to excessive drinking, hence unable to address the "points of stars" (Double Entendre). There's no stretching to be considered.

*boastful about fallicies of light - and now, I'm completely lost
*
Stars making their points - their light is healing. A fallacy because the remedy is not for all. The stars are full of bravado. 
*
after that, the wording is certainly poetic - but meaningless, to me

*Am glad you appreciate the lyrical nature. I take no umbrage that you found content meaningless. What works for one does not necessarily work for another. 
*
have to say, the title is terrible (and bad grammar!) 

*"terrible" is not a constructive word when critiquing. Here, it's insulting and suggest you keep this in mind when giving further feedback. This kind of word could easily crush a member who's unsure of their work.  

No. The title is grammatically correct. Despite, since poetry is all about creative license titles are certainly not exempt. 

Thank you for reading and time spent.

___________________________

Nellie, am pleased that you spoke to the title. Yes. We are all entitled to learn, more clearly defining ourselves and in our own time. I'd like to briefly cover what can be true when it comes to drinking - outside specific meaning.



Nellie said:


> If it's difficult to understand, then how's it a delight to read? And especially if you don't get the connection? :scratch: Sounds to me this whole poem is "meaningless" to you, so why did you comment?
> 
> To me, we are all "Entitled to be........." what the h#!! we want to be. Like Shakespeare once said, "To be or not to be" that's what this is about. And once one drinks too much alcohol, we lose our identity, not knowing who we are or were meant to be, except when it comes to sexuality. Then that's what it's all about, especially for males. Then they are all over and they lose it.  Boasting to their buddies......... then hoping that all will be able to unite like innocent children.
> 
> That's what I read. As always, Laurie, your poems pass our imagination. Thanks for making us think outside the box.



*once one drinks too much alcohol, we lose our identity, not knowing who we are or were meant to be, except when it comes to sexuality. Then that's what it's all about, especially for males.

*The taste of  'lace atop virginity" is a strong and unapologetic sexual visual - lace and the underneath especially arousing when men loose their inhibitions but not exclusive to them.  Women loose them as well.

Thank you so much for exploring this poem with your own incredible imagination, interpreting.


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## Hairball (May 4, 2016)

I liked it. I agree with poetic license, and liked the play on words.

My husband woke up one day with a hangover, and if he'd been a poet, he'd have used the word "drouth" too.

I used "tritting and trotting on soft little paws" once in a poem.

It worked.

Good job, SM!


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## SilverMoon (May 4, 2016)

Thanks, Hairball, so glad you got the play on word "roof of mouth" - drouth.

"Good job" is always good to hear!


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## dannyboy (May 5, 2016)

I enjoyed the read, and this discussion. Having been hungover several times (and more) and having let myself drift into drunken places of regret or fond memory...this poem took me back to my twenties. Thank you for the read.


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## ned (May 5, 2016)

hello - I'm sorry if you felt that my comment toward the title was insulting - but that is my opinion, and I stick by it - 
if I had said your poem was terrible, without comprehensive reason, then you would have a point - but it is only the title,
and there is no need to be so touchy - what have I insulted? your title-bility regarding one poem? 

it's only fair to explain my rationale for why I regard it as a terrible title - 
it seems so wrapped up in its own bad pun, that it informs little beyond that.
entilted to be untilted - is clunky and awkward to read immediately.
or calendars, is not a term that readily springs to mind - 
strange words are fine, but this is a strange concept, which ain't great in a title -
and only extends an already long title. (chop 'to be' ?)
suffice to say, in my opinion, the title does what it can _not_ to engage the reader -
the complete opposite to my way of thinking regarding titles - hence, terrible

but I'm sure I've thought of a few terrible ones myself (never mind the poetry)
  - no big deal.

still don't get the stars reference - not to worry

"What works for one does not necessarily work for another" - but don't you want to communicate what you have to say
to the readers? to express your own unique message, rather then be satisfied by other's muddy interpretations?

as implied, the language and the vocabulary are fine, with some surprising turns of phrase, 
 - my previous critique was born of frustration of not getting the meaning of much of it.

cheers
Ned


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## midnightpoet (May 5, 2016)

I didn't catch it on the first read, but after a bit I got it.  Good job.  I remember making the mistake of having two margaritas on a business lunch (well, the other guys were doing it too!).  Anyway, I wasn't sure I was going to make it the rest of the day. Thank God I had my own office.  I closed the door until I recovered. The secretary guessed what happened but just gave me a knowing smirk.


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## Firemajic (May 5, 2016)

Good morning SilverMoon! I really enjoyed the unique language of your poem, poetry is about expressing emotion in an original, unique way... maybe even taking the mundane and making it new... so, for me, this worked. You have a gift for pairing words together, almost like recreating common words into something different... The title, I did NOT understand... and was a little hesitant to even read on, but, because your poetry always intrigues and inspires my own creativity, I took a chance... fabulous imagery...thank you...


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## SilverMoon (May 5, 2016)

> * Originally Posted by dannyboy *
> 
> I enjoyed the read, and this discussion. Having been hungover several times (and more) and having let myself drift into drunken places of regret or fond memory...this poem took me back to my twenties. Thank you for the read.



I remember those days! It was :very_drunk: after :very_drunk:........:very_drunk:  :very_drunk:  :very_drunk:



However,  preffered wine


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## midnightpoet (May 5, 2016)

Yeah, I remember a good-old-boy golf tournament from around 1985( oil and gas workers shedding hardhats for golf clubs).  Cute young ladies in carts filled with beer, margaritas and salty dogs drove around dispensing same.  Good times (yeah, sexist and politically incorrect).;-)


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## SilverMoon (May 5, 2016)

midnightpoet said:


> Yeah, I remember a good-old-boy golf tournament from around 1985( oil and gas workers shedding hardhats for golf clubs).  Cute young ladies in carts filled with beer, margaritas and salty dogs drove around dispensing same. * Good times (yeah, sexist and politically incorrect).*;-)



Oh, what the heck. You had fun! I certainly know margaritas are salty but never heard of a salty dog. Must have used allot of salt! :wink:


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## SilverMoon (May 5, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Good morning SilverMoon! I really enjoyed the unique language of your poem, poetry is about expressing emotion in an original, unique way... maybe even taking the mundane and making it new... so, for me, this worked. You have a gift for pairing words together, almost like recreating common words into something different... The title, I did NOT understand... and was a little hesitant to even read on, but, because your poetry always intrigues and inspires my own creativity, I took a chance... fabulous imagery...thank you...


Thank you so much, Firemagic. You've made my day appreciating my lyrical language, Thank you for pointing to the title, also  questioned. Not only am I re-considering the title but the poem in its entirety. I was experimenting with pure metaphors throughout and now believe it's much too obscure. To explain it would take 3 x's the wording of the poem! So, on the back burner for now.

Thank you, again. And thanks to all of you who've given me great feedback. Laurie


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## Angel101 (May 6, 2016)

Hi there, Laurie!

First, good to read you again! I quite like this, and given the content, I don't mind that it's abstract in spots. For me, that works well in conveying the dark, maybe drunken state of the speaker. I also like the conflict between the sun and moon -- between hope and hopeless, or perhaps, clarity and lunacy -- and to me, this conflict was the core of the poem, and I love what you did with the ending. "Paint children on my face" is a hopeful resolution -- like maybe the speaker will regain her lost innocence, will move on to a new, simpler future. 

While I can't put my finger on any of these ideas exactly, I enjoy that. It's the kind of thing I might get something new out of each time I read it. This takes me somewhere and makes me feel something. 

My only minor nit is the line "liquidated lunacy," which directly follows "the moon in a shot glass." The line about the moon is a such a strong image, and for me, conveys "liquidated lunacy" by itself without the help of the following line because lunacy ties in with the moon and liquid ties in with the shot glass. I was already there with you, so that next line felt a little redundant. Still, "liquidated lunacy" feels nice on the tongue.

I really did enjoy this, though. Many excellent phrases. I liked "hungover sun" because it was both a cool way of describing the setting sun and the speaker's state of mind. I also liked "my mind,/ the bruise, that never yellows" because of the way yellow ties back into the sun, brightness, and clarity, and the bruise ties back into darkness. Great job!

Bay


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## SilverMoon (May 10, 2016)

Hi, Angel, I will just be stopping in sporadically for a period of time. Here, I have to say you've nailed this poem close to a "T". Thank You, Silvermoon.


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