# Welcome to Paradise



## Birb (Feb 2, 2018)

Hey, just a little thing I thought of. Hope you enjoy 

[FONT=&Verdana]My eyes opened...to reveal darkness. My heart began beating so hard that it almost echoed in the darkness Had I gone blind? Why can’t I see? I jerk my arm, trying to reach my face, and let out a cry as my shoulder jars and my arm strains against some kind of binding. It is cold, and it feels almost metallic as if I’m being held by manacles. I try yelling for help, and a metallic whirring filled the darkness, and soon a robotic voice slurred to life.
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[FONT=&Verdana]“Welcome to the city of Paradise, visitor! I know you might be wondering how or why you’re here, but don’t fret! Here, there is nothing that can harm you. I’m sure you’ll find that nobody here will cause you harm! We have a crime rate of exactly 0, not to mention a poverty rate to match! We at Paradise pride ourselves on being the best of humanity, a perfect world where only you matter! I know that you might still be a little stressed out as you have no idea how you got here, but I think that you’ll soon find that you have nothing more to worry about! The rest of your days are going to be spent here, in Paradise. It will go by so quickly, it will feel like an instant! Now that you’ve been introduced to our wonderful city you’ll soon be on your way to living the rest of your days in a place of pure peace and harmony! Just a couple of things, there are no religious sites here, so if you wish to pray forgiveness from whatever deity you worship you’re out of luck! We’ve found that those only cause conflict among others, but we encourage you to create your own! Just remember that upon your passing the religious site will be respectfully dismantled. If you have any questions, there is an information kiosk on the west side. It’s a bit far out, but I’m sure you’ll find it eventually! Anyways, that’s all I have to say, enjoy your stay in Paradise!”

The whirring stops suddenly with a loud [/FONT]_click _[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]and a grinding fills the air in front of me. A thin line of pure white light sears my eyes. I force them shut, the bright light still visible as a dim red glow behind my eyelids. After a few minutes, I squint into the bright light. There’s another click as whatever was holding my arms down suddenly release, and I fall onto my face. I stumble up, realizing suddenly that I am wearing nothing but a mess of rags to cover my genitals. I stumble forward, out into the light, and slowly my eyes adjust. The only sound for miles is the sound of my gasp, as I survey the cracked, barren wasteland that rolls out before me.


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## dither (Feb 3, 2018)

Well? I'd read on.
It's a start Birb.


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## Jay Greenstein (Feb 3, 2018)

> My eyes opened...to reveal darkness. My heart began beating so hard that it almost echoed in the darkness Had I gone blind?


This is a dramatic improvement. But let's see what happens if we remove the artifacts of telling, combine, and condense. In other words, stop describing and begin to live the scene as the protagonist.

*The motivation:* [FONT=&Verdana]"My eyes opened...to reveal darkness."

But what happens if we remove the words that come from the storyteller: [/FONT]"My eyes opened to darkness." We can jazz it up a bit with something like, "[FONT=&Verdana]My eyes opened to midnight blackness."

*The response:* "[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]My heart began beating so hard that it almost echoed in the darkness "

"Almost" only counts in Horseshoes and hand-granades (and atomic bombs, of course). And in any case a heartbeat that loud would kill you, so we need to turn the volume down. And in any case, the degree is inumportant. It's the reaction that counts. So let's combine this response with the motivation and get: [/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]"[FONT=&Verdana]My eyes opened to midnight blackness, setting my heart thundering in my chest."

I favor something in addition to make the reader follow the thought process, and make it feel as if they're experiencing it, and not have any questions but what you _want_ them to. For example, how does the character know that it's not actually midnight? So, suppose you'd opened with a motivation to open his eyes, like. "My first conscious thought was that I was lying on something hard, and cold." That provides motivation to open his eyes, and both places the darkness in context and gives context for why the heartbeat jumped its rate.

See what I'm doing? I'm changing it from the character recalling and explaining to a series of natural events, presented _as_ the protagonist experiences them. And because it's what you and I would on waking in such a situation it reads as natural. So in two lines the reader knows the protagonist is lying on something unexpectedly hard, in a place that's dark. 
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*The motivation: "*[FONT=&Verdana][FONT=&Verdana][FONT=&Verdana]Why can’t I see?"
No need to say this, because based on what has happened, the reader is already thinking this. But because of this, it is an implied motivation to do more. And what would you do in that situation, try to move around and explore. So in this case, a specific motivation on paper isn't needed.

[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]*The response:* [/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]"[FONT=&Verdana][FONT=&Verdana][FONT=&Verdana][FONT=&Verdana]I jerk my arm, trying to reach my face, and let out a cry as my shoulder jars and my arm strains against some kind of binding.

Here, you're describing a visual, in detail. And you've gone from past tense to present. There's no need for that, because no matter the trense used in telling the story, for your protagonist, like it is for us in lifem it's always first person present tense. All else is an authorial convenience and choice. What matters here that we're trying to communicate to the reader? he can't move. And given that (and that it's too dark for us to see him) does it matter what he moves, what he hopes to touch, and that he jerked it as against simply discovering he's bound? No. How he's bound may matter, because of what it tells us about the situation. So a simple, "I tried to move, but I was held in place by hard bindings at my wrists and ankles."

See the difference. The reader has enough data to surmise that he's on a table or floor, but the hard bindings at the extremities suggest a table. In any case, if he felt rope we might think about his possibly escaping, but this way, we know he's helpless. In other words, we're using context to imply things that we now don't have to tell the reader as the external observer.

You're getting there. It's a bitch to get the existing writing reflexes to let go of the controls, and hard to notice when they don't, because after all the years of practice it "feels right." But it comes. And when it all clicks you'll wonder why you had problems with something "so obvious."

Hang in there.[/FONT]

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## Bayview (Feb 4, 2018)

The verb tense shifting definitely needs attention - is there one you normally write in and you're trying the other one for effect? You may be subconsciously shifting back to your "favoured" tense when you're not paying attention!

Other than that? I'm going to do in-text notes, I think, since the piece is pretty short...

My eyes opened...to reveal darkness. My heart began beating so hard that it almost echoed in the darkness Had I gone blind? Why can’t I see? [I'd do a paragraph break, here. First paragraph = bewilderment, second paragraph = attempted action. More theoretically, I think we need to slow your narrative down a little and give readers a chance to really feel the panic.]

I jerk my arm, trying to reach my face, [I wonder about the verb "trying" - it kind of presuposes failure, if that makes sense? And the character wouldn't know the attempt would be a failure until later in the sentence.] and let out a cry as my shoulder jars and my arm strains against some kind of binding.[I'm not sure about the jarring shoulder. The character's trying to reach his face, so he's probably not moving with that much force? Where is the manacle? At the wrist? I can see a jarring there, but all the way up to the shoulder? That feels strange to me.] It is cold, and it feels almost metallic[I'd take out either "feels" or "almost". Probably "almost". I know you're trying to show that the character doesn't _know_ what the material is, but I think "feels" takes care of that.] I as if I’m being held by manacles. [I'd do another paragraph break here. And I'd probably put in another reaction line about the character's reaction to all this new and disastrous information] I try yelling for help, [I'd take out the "try" - he manages to yell, right?]and a metallic whirring filled the darkness, and soon a robotic voice slurred to life.[I'm not sure about the "slurred". I think I know what you mean... a kind of warming up sound, as if the recording hasn't been played for a long time? But "slurred" doesn't work for me.]

“Welcome to the city of Paradise, visitor! I know you might be wondering how or why you’re here, but don’t fret! Here, there is nothing that can harm you. I’m sure you’ll find that nobody here will cause you harm! We have a crime rate of exactly 0, not to mention a poverty rate to match! We at Paradise pride ourselves on being the best of humanity, a perfect world where only you matter! I know that you might still be a little stressed out as you have no idea how you got here, but I think that you’ll soon find that you have nothing more to worry about! The rest of your days are going to be spent here, in Paradise. It will go by so quickly, it will feel like an instant! Now that you’ve been introduced to our wonderful city you’ll soon be on your way to living the rest of your days in a place of pure peace and harmony! Just a couple of things, there are no religious sites here, so if you wish to pray forgiveness from whatever deity you worship you’re out of luck! We’ve found that those only cause conflict among others, but we encourage you to create your own! Just remember that upon your passing the religious site will be respectfully dismantled. If you have any questions, there is an information kiosk on the west side. It’s a bit far out, but I’m sure you’ll find it eventually! Anyways, that’s all I have to say, enjoy your stay in Paradise!”[This all sounds _really_ casual to me, which might be your intent, but it kind of takes away all the sense of trepidation I was feeling for your character. Maybe you're trying to juxtapose the light syntax with the horror of the situation? I'm not sure, but I don't think it worked for me.] 

The whirring stops suddenly with a loud _click _and a grinding fills the air in front of me. A thin line of pure white light sears my eyes. I force them shut, the bright light still visible as a dim red glow behind my eyelids. [I'd want more emotional reactions at this point. After that first paragraph, I feel like this starts just describing events, rather than letting me feel what the character's feeling.] After a few minutes, I squint into the bright light. [Again, what's going on in the character's head. Does he want to keep his eyes shut against the pain, or is he anxious to see what's going on, or... whatever. Give me something!] There’s another click as whatever was holding my arms down suddenly release, and I fall onto my face. [I'm not clear on the posture, here. I think I assumed the character was lying down, but was he standing? Shackled to the wall? Clarification needed, I think.] I stumble up, realizing suddenly that I am wearing nothing but a mess of rags to cover my genitals. I stumble[repetition of "stumble"] forward, out into the light, and slowly my eyes adjust. The only sound for miles is the sound of my gasp, [POV shift - how does he know what sounds are being made miles around him?] as I survey the cracked, barren wasteland that rolls out before me.[Nice ending - makes me want to read on!]

It's a dramatic opening, for sure. I think if you tighten it up a little it could be really effective!


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## Jack of all trades (Feb 4, 2018)

The stories and books I like to read best get me inside the main character. The thoughts and feelings are most important to me.

You tried to do that with the pounding heart, sweating,  and wondering if blind. But you started with the visual of the eyes opening. That, in my opinion, is the weakness. And changing it to midnight blackness won't help! 

Think about how the character got there. Was there a struggle? Or was the character drugged?

Then think about how you would regain consciousness under those circumstances. (If the character is not regaining consciousness, then you may need to start the story sooner.) 

Ask yourself some questions. What do you do when you wake on the average morning. Do your eyes open? Or do gradually become aware of your surroundings first? Do you hear the alarm as a distant sound that grows louder, not because it's coming closer, but because your brain is moving into consciousness?

The MC might be aware of touch and smell before opening the eyes.

Another problem spot is when the MC falls. Was the MC chained to a wall? Or lying on some surface? That jumped out at me, and I'm surprised no one has mentioned it. I had pictured the MC as lying on something, maybe a table or gurney, then had to adjust that picture when the fall was mentioned. That's something to avoid. Make things clear from the beginning.


The overall concept is intriguing. One group's idea of paradise that is polar opposite of the MC's.

The ending issue mentioned in another critique can be easily addressed by specifying that the MC believes there was no one for miles by adding a phrase explicitly stating it was the MC's belief. Honestly, I didn't have an issue with that line. I thought it was obvious that it was the MC feeling that was the truth of the situation.

Good luck with this!


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## Roac (Feb 5, 2018)

You have an interesting idea here. Kind of reminds me a bit like the start of the Maze Runner, with the main character having no idea where he/she is. 

You mention that this is just a little thing you thought of and, at least to me, it comes across as an initial draft for an idea. There are lots of spots that could be expanded upon to give the reader some more insight into the characters thoughts and emotions.

One thing that I see here and have seen over and over in many other posted stories is not giving the reader any idea about the main character. As a suggestion, having the mechanical voice mention the character’s name would provide the reader with an association to the character and also a gender. But also, it could make the character wonder how he/she is known by the voice. 

Overall, this could develop into an exciting story. Good luck with it and thanks for posting.


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## Moonbeast32 (Feb 5, 2018)

Great start, but I kind of want to hear more of the protagonist's voice more often than just the beginning or end. Consider placing pauses throughout the robot's monologue to give the character and the reader time to express their feelings about what is being said.

A large portion of the monologue was about this so-called paradise's policy on religion. While I appreciate it whenever someone chooses to write about as controversial a topic as that, It felt weird for the robot to elaborate on that policy alone despite it saying earlier it had "a couple of things" to clarify. Unless religion is a core value/concern for the city, it doesn't seem likely that it should be the first thing new entrants should hear about. Seems more likely to me that this topic would show up on a contract or waiver that the new citizen would need to sign after entering.

Do you plan on posting more of this? I want to see what else you have to say about paradises.


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## Birb (Feb 5, 2018)

Hey, thank you all for the critiques, they were incredibly helpful! I'll address a couple things here.

Bayview, wow....thanks a lot for the detailed critique. I agree you gave some really good advice (and caught a couple things I didn't see) thanks a bunch!

Jack, The way I was planning the story, how he got there never crossed my mind. However, it probably would've helped with the rest of story if I had thought of that, thanks! As for him falling...I probably worded more like "stumbles" when I imagined it he was in a chair. Thanks for taking the time to read!

Roac, thanks as always for giving a nice critique of my work. You said that it seems like an initial draft for a larger work, but honestly I never even thought of it like that. It was always more of a short story that had more of a larger meaning. A man finds himself trapped in a darkened room with only a robotic voice ensuring him that he was in paradise, a place where only you matter and that is implied heavily that it is a perfect human utopia....only to be nothing. No humans, nothing. 

Jay, I see what you mean there with the character recalling and experiencing ideas. It really helped, and I'll keep that in mind. However, I slightly disagree with your critique. I kinda like the wording of that, I think it kind of shows how quiet the room actually was, a bit of a hyperbole but I think it does its job. I'll keep looking it over though. Also, thanks for pointing out the tense shift, I usually end up missing those t- t

Moonbeast (I posted this and saw your reply so I wanted to add you in),  I was thinking about doing that but decided against it. I might end up doing that went I get to revising this. Also, Yes I noticed that when I was writing. I wanted to have the robot say more but couldn't quite figure out what I should have it say. Sadly, I did not plan on continuing this story past this. However, I think that since so many people commented saying that they'd read on (and the fact that I've gotten a couple ideas) I might end up doing just that. Don't have much to do anyways

My original idea was not to elaborate on the character, but I'll take your critiques into consideration and revise this.


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## A_Jones (Feb 5, 2018)

This is a great start. Did you have any areas in particular you wanted to workshop? I would suggest you watch how often you use the same word in a paragraph. I hope you continue writing more!


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## Jack of all trades (Feb 7, 2018)

Birb -- 

Do not explain to me in a response. Explain it by fixing the story, and posting the revision.

Too many never make the needed revisions because they explain in a post instead.


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