# Have you any puns or funny comments worth sharing?



## Courtjester

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.


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## Fran Canning

Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh!


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## Nacian

_'How does the world go around' _he asked?
_'It spins' _he said.


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## Courtjester

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says: ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’


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## Courtjester

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.


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## Amber Leaf

What is the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.


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## Nacian

Can we have under a rhyming form?
If so here we go:

'What's_ lame _and rhymes with _Dame?'
'Fame'._


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## The Backward OX

The other day I began reading the phone book. The plot was terrible but, oh boy, what a cast!


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## aj47

A little piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender tells him, "We don't serve little pieces of string here, you'll have to leave."

So the little piece of string goes outside, ties himself up and ravels his ends a bit then goes back in to the bar and orders a beer.  The bartender tells him, "I thought I told you....you're that same little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago."

"No," he replied, "I'm a frayed knot."


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## elite




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## Courtjester

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


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## elite

This forum-wide punomenon shouldn't fade away to the second page! People of WF, the puns need you!


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## Courtjester

elite said:


> This forum-wide punomenon shouldn't fade away to the second page! People of WF, the puns need you!


Couldn't agree more! Here is another one of mine:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ‘A beer please and one for the road.’​


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## Nacian

''It is very silly to assume everyone cares, it is however, not very clever to think no one noticed''.


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## Vampirezebra

Need an ark? I noah guy.....


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## Bluesman

There was an old farmer from Greece 
Who did terrible things to his geese 
But he went too far with a budgerigar 
And the parrot phoned the police.


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## Courtjester

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’


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## Nacian

_''what's bright and does not shine''?
_     'smart'!


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## Bluesman

[FONT=georgia, bookman old style, palatino linotype, book antiqua, palatino, trebuchet ms, helvetica, garamond, sans-serif, arial, verdana, avante garde, century gothic, comic sans ms, times, times new roman, serif]Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.  ~Fred Allen[/FONT]


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## Courtjester

Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home!’ 

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 

'Is it common?’ 

‘Well, it’s not unusual.’


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## Courtjester

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The children were nothing to look at either.


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## Nacian

''what gives you wings to fly''_?
_''your mind''​


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## Courtjester

Nacian said:


> ''what gives you wings to fly''_?
> _''your mind''​


And your spirit!​


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## Bluesman

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.


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## Courtjester

Déjà Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.


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## old man's dreams

"I once knew a lady that had a nasty way of berating people while stealing their cookies, yet she managed to be likeable at the same time."

"What was her name?"

"Miss Dee Meaner."


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## DuKane

Why is woman's laughter ok, yet manslaughter a crime?


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## Nacian

''no fame no shame''​


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## Nacian

''how do you ignore someone?
by showing them the way out
and if they don't understand?
get them to spell EXIT a 100 times
and if they still don't get it
get a bouncer to do it for you''​


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## Bluesman

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.


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## missmojorising

"Is that a pun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" ~Bernard Mickey Wrangle


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## Nacian

''would you please pin this pun somewhere safe or else it will pin'g pun'g me''!!


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## Bluesman

thats not punny


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## garza

The boy was lost in the cornfield because he couldn't find his way through the maize.


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## Courtjester

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn’t find any.


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## ProcrastinationStation

I've decided that should I ever need to get some of my intestines removed due to Crohns, the only answer I will ever give to
How are you?
is
I'm gutted.

(I also plan to get a ; as a tattoo, gettit? cos I'll only have a semi-colon! Ahhhh! .... ok, I'll leave now)


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## Nacian

_''thread carefully in case you need to slow down''_


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## JosephB

Courtjester said:


> A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says: ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’



Horse walks into a bar -- the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A rabbi, a minister and the Pope walk into a bar -- the bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"


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## Courtjester

ProcrastinationStation said:


> I've decided that should I ever need to get some of my intestines removed due to Crohns, the only answer I will ever give to
> How are you?
> is
> I'm gutted.
> 
> (I also plan to get a ; as a tattoo, gettit? cos I'll only have a semi-colon! Ahhhh! .... ok, I'll leave now)


Hmmm...​


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## Courtjester

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussell.


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## JosephB

Courtjester said:


> I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussell.



Yeah -- I took my girl to a seafood disco. It was so crowded, I lobster -- but then I flounder.


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## Bluesman

The ankle was an arch enemy of the heel because the heel had a sole that could neither toe the line nor keep instep.


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## Courtjester

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


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## Courtjester

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One of them turns to the other and says: ‘Dam!’


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## The Backward OX

Aussies & Kiwis only:

What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot?

You can beat an egg but you can't *---- - ----*.


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## The Backward OX

Two London cabbies were talking. One said, “I went to the cinema yesterday and saw Paris Hilton turn into a vampire.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other. “This morning I was driving from The Mall to Victoria Station and saw Prince Andrew turn into Buckingham Palace.”


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## Nacian

''why worry about tomorrow when there is whole day to look forward to''


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## Bluesman

Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.


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## Nacian

''what goes back and forth and has no wings?''
''wind"​


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## Courtjester

Two Eskimos out in their kayak were feeling chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, which proved once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.


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## Courtjester

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why?' they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because’, he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
:eagerness:​


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## Bluesman

Mother's letter to a son 
 My dear John, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last people who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet but I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle fell in the vat at the distillery. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. When he was cremated he burned for three days. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love - Mom. 
 P.S. I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed this letter.


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## nerot

Two thirds of a pun is pee yooh.


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## Courtjester

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain and his new parents call him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She is delighted and tells her husband that she would also like a picture of Ahmal. He replies: ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’


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## Courtjester

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him – this is so bad, it’s good! – a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


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## DuKane

Two Norwegian teddy-boys traveling to London on the train. 
One goes to buy beer from the bar and returns with cans.
Conductor arrives at their seat as they begin drinking. 
One leaps to his feet and rushes to the toilet. 
Sounds of throwing up are heard the length of the train. 
Conductor enquire's if he's mates alright. 
His friend replies sure, it's just that
Rudolph the ted loathes train beer!


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## Courtjester

Is an unhappy marriage a state of holy deadlock?


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## Courtjester

There once was a person who sent lots of puns to his friends, in the hope that at least ten of them would be worth a chuckle or two. No pun in ten did.


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## Bloggsworth

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Newton was sitting under a tree worrying about the last of his 5 a day, then it hit him.


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## Courtjester

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


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## Revekka

A family opened a fish store. It went belly up.


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## Courtjester

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


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## Revekka

It's time for a news brief!


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## Courtjester

‘She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.’


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## The Backward OX

Not really. I find the best puns are those created fortuitously whilst one is writing. 

One benefit such puns have is that they're original.


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## bazz cargo

Pity, I was thinking of one to do with an Ox and a Vet.


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## archeene

Currently staying by the beach, and got a few groans for declaring the best part of being by the water is starting the new year off with porpoise.


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## Courtjester

The Backward OX said:


> Not really. I find the best puns are those created fortuitously whilst one is writing.
> 
> One benefit such puns have is that they're original.



How right you are!

Life itself writes the funniest stories and puns, don't you think?​


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## Courtjester

‘A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was considered to be a weapon of math disruption.’


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## Revekka

"Guitar, for sale........ Cheap...............no strings attached." - Advertisement In A Long Island Shop


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## Courtjester

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


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## Courtjester

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


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## Courtjester

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


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## IanMGSmith

"Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Knightley


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## Courtjester

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


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## DuKane

There were three rabbits named Foot, Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot.
One day Foot went missing causing his mother great concern.
The vicar arrived to tell Foot's mother that he had died, so they had a beautiful service.
Three weeks later Foot Foot went missing, much like his brother.
Once again the vicar arrived. Foot Foot's mother broke down wailing,
"No father don't tell me! I've already got one Foot in the grave!"

Ps if that didn't make you groan perhaps this will. What did Foot die of? Mixametoeses!


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## Courtjester

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.


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## Courtjester

Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other: ‘You stay here, while I go on a head.


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## Courtjester

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


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## Courtjester

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’


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## Namba

"Oh my God, aliens took my hands!"
"Well, I guess it looks as though you've lost your touch."


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## Courtjester

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


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## Courtjester

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.


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## Courtjester

Some cannibals ate a missionary and got a taste of religion.


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## IanMGSmith

Courtjester said:


> Some cannibals ate a missionary and got a taste of religion.



...poor missionaries were_ late _for dinner.


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## Revekka

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


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## Courtjester

A vulture boarded an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess took one look at it and said: ‘I’m very sorry, we allow only one carrion per passenger.’


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## Julianne

I suppose I could tell you some vampire jokes, but they all suck.


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## Revekka

Thinking about brain surgery requires an open mind.


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## Lewdog

One day my dad asked me what kind of girl I liked, and I told him a baker.  He then asked if it was because I liked to eat cakes and treats, and I told him no, they have great buns.


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## Revekka

I had to quit my job at Dairy Queen because they wanted me to work on Sundaes.


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## Courtjester

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank and that proved once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.


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## bazz cargo

Have a new, tiny amphibious pet. He is my newt.


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## Lewdog

I had a girlfriend that used to race bikes.  I had to break up with her, she was on her cycle too often.


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## Angelwing

One day in the evidence holding section of the police station, an out-of-control officer thrashes around-after another submits a box of evidence-and is promptly arrested. The next day, a local newspaper runs the headline: "Striking new evidence suggests assault."

"Got a light?" Asks the smoker
"Sure thing, how many watts?" replies the electrician.


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## Courtjester

Two hydrogen atoms met. One said: ‘I’ve lost my electron,’ to which the other one replied: ‘Are you sure?’ The first sighed: ‘Yes, I’m positive.’


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## Courtjester

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal treatment? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


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## Angelwing

Oh that is BAD  

So Apple once thought up a kid's version of the iPod Touch. Unfortunately, they realized it had a highly inappropriate name, and scrapped it. It was going to be the iTouch Kids.


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## philistine

When someone makes a really, really terrible pun, I like to reply with the following expression, changed to accommodate the gender of the speaker wherever applicable:

He/she who would pun, would pick a pocket.


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## Angelwing




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## Revekka

Two employees from a mining company were kicked out of a bar after being told that "it is against policy to serve miners".


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## Cran

On researching for a story: familiarity breeds content.


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## moderan

A reprint from some time ago, in another thread:

Weak Force


Dr. Polimus had built a new robot. It was supposed to be seven feet tall  but once it was powered on, insisted on slouching dejectedly and moping  about the lab while the good Doctor and his minions twittered anxiously  about their projects and what would they do if he wouldn't stand up  straight and what a waste of good grant money he was.
No surprise that the robot was depressed. I mean, what a bunch of nincompoops.
He probably just wanted better company.
Dr. Polimus stopped twittering for a moment and addressed the robot.
"Axxon XXVII, what exactly is your problem? Here we have spent a small  fortune on your development and you repay us by moodily sulking. Why  don't you start working on the problems we built you for?"
The robot only stared at him mutely, its photocell eyes reflecting the energy of its positronic processes.
The Doctor continued. "Let's try this. If FN = Gm1x m2 / D2, then FP =  Gm1x m2 / (D - dn)2..." He began scritching on the chalkboard. "Then FP /  FN = D2 / (D - dn)2...Hmmm."
The robot began to stand erect. 
"D2/(D-dn)2     =   (dn + Planck length)2/(Planck length)2 =   (1 + 10-20) / (10-20)2 =   1040"
The photocell eyes began to glow as the robot reached his full height.  "FP=1040g," he said, grabbing the chalk and writing it on the board.
"Omigod!" exclaimed the good Doctor. "It only stands to reason!"


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## Courtjester

Newton was sitting under a tree worrying about the last of his five a day, then it hit him.


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## Courtjester

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it’s Colin!

Tommy Cooper 
​


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## Courtjester

‘Have you heard about the high-speed stairlift? It gets you upstairs before you forget why you want to be there.’ Anon.


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## bazz cargo

For Sale: Golfing socks; guaranteed a hole in one.


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## lordusan

Who was the fattest night in King Arthur's Table?
SirCumference


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## Courtjester

As I haven’t any puns left in my collection, from now on I shall share with you some humorous quotes. Hope you’ll enjoy them too, folks.

‘If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, you don’t understand the problem.’ Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘Some people complain that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Any time you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.’ Groucho Marx


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## IanMGSmith

*THE GREAT OUT DOORS *






...it's a reverse pun


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## bazz cargo

It's not who you know. It's not what you know. It's what you know about who.


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## PiP

Knowledge is Power...


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## Lewdog

Oops I thought the title said pans.


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## PiP

For someone who leaves the cardboard base on their Pizza when cooking, they look a pretty impressive set of pans!


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## Lewdog

pigletinportugal said:


> For someone who leaves the cardboard base on their Pizza when cooking, they look a pretty impressive set of pans!



You should see my bun warmer!


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## hamster892

They say you can see Russia from Alaskan shores. I'm pretty sure it's an optical Aleutian.


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## IanMGSmith

hamster892 said:


> They say you can see Russia from Alaskan shores. I'm pretty sure it's an optical Aleutian.



...love it


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## Courtjester

‘The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.’ Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.’


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## Courtjester

‘When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.’


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## Courtjester

‘As a child I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. When it didn’t materialise,  I realised that God probably doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.’


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## Courtjester

‘I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a real nuisance!’


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## Courtjester

‘Today is my  forty-eighth wedding anniversary. Strangely, the same applies to my  wife. Who says there’s no such thing as coincidences?’ Courtjester


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## Angelwing

"Sharks in the pool, oh come on--RAAAWRRGGGGHH" --movie "Sharknado"


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## Courtjester

‘A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.’


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## Deleted member 53128

This is from Duke Nukem, but it had to be put in here:
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum"


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## Courtjester

Standing in   the express lane of my local supermarket, I was quietly fuming because a   woman with a shopping trolley piled high with groceries had slipped   ahead of me into the express checkout queue. Imagine my delight when the   cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and   asked sweetly: ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it   be great if that happened more often?


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## WatcherOfSky

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I can just say that gravity has never let me down.


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## escorial

Got a survey of my bank today, asking me about there services..I replied..i'm not happy overall and would like to take my debts elsewhere.


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## Gyarachu

Yesterday one of my housemates wore a garbage bag like a pair of shorts because he does stuff like that. I told him to take it off because it made him look trashy.





Trashy.




ride:


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## Courtjester

‘Latest surveys show that three out of four people make up seventy-five percent of the world’s population.'


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## Angelwing

NukeWithG said:


> This is from Duke Nukem, but it had to be put in here:
> "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum"



YES! I love that one!


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## Courtjester

‘Too bad that all the people who know how to run our country are busy driving taxis or cutting hair.’


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## Courtjester

‘Men socialise  by insulting each other, but usually they don’t really mean it. Women  socialise by complimenting each other and many times they don’t really  mean it either.’


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## Courtjester

‘My neighbour asked whether he could use my lawnmower and I told him he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.’ Eric Morecambe


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## Lewdog

I just heard one on the "American Pickers"television show.  "Yankees are like hemorrhoids, if they come down and then go back up, they are okay.  If they come down and they stay, they are a pain in the rear end (censored)."


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## Courtjester

‘To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.’ Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.’ Oscar Wilde

‘The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.’ Oscar Wilde


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## Courtjester

‘Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.’ Oscar Wilde 

‘The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.’ Oscar Wilde


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## Courtjester

‘Everyone needs to believe something. I believe I’ll have another beer.’ Anon.


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## The Tourist

My Uncle Luge committed suicide by drinking a quart of varnish.  It was a horrible end, but a beautiful finish...


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## Courtjester

‘Before passing judgement on someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you offer your criticism, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.’ Frieda Norris


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## bazz cargo

The Philosophy Of Eyore-I

Pooh happens.


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## escorial

Death to me is just stepping out of one car an in to another.....John Lennon


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## Courtjester

‘The person who said: ‘Nothing is impossible!’ never tried to slam a revolving door.’


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## Courtjester

‘One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn’t amount to much when he was your age.’ Bill Vaughan


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## Courtjester

‘Many a man who couldn’t direct you to the corner shop when he was thirty, will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.’ Finlay Dunne

‘Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.’ Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘Growing old is not nice, but it is interesting.’ Maurice Chevalier 

‘Getting old is not so bad when you consider the alternative.’ Maurice Chevalier


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## escorial

Rival racehorse trainer on the merits of another.."He's a brilliant judge of a slow horse."


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## Courtjester

‘My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.’ Anon.


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## Schrody

I'm reading a book about antigravity. It's impossible to put it down.


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## thepancreas11

"I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird."--Mitch Hedberg


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## Cylver

I posted this same one in a similar thread but my new fave is from World of Warcraft and is a Pandaren joke.

"Some say if you cannot beat them, join them. I say if you can't beat them, beat them. Because they will be expecting you to join them and you will have the element of surprise."

I just find that hilarious


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## thepancreas11

The old Trojan horse. I like that one.

"I went in through the exit only door, then I walked up the cashier, and said, 'I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door. By like a hundred percent.'"--Demetri Martin


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## Courtjester

‘There are three types of people in our world – those who can count and those who can’t.’ Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.’  Anon.


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## Courtjester

‘If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.’ Anon.


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## midnightpoet

Sign in my Vet's office: "Unattended children will be given an expresso and a new puppy."


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## LeeC

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” ~ Willie Nelson


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## Courtjester

‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.’ Anon.


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## bazz cargo

Northanger Abby by Jane Austin was originally titled Susan. Which means the line 'Tilby smiled as he entered Susan by the tradesman's entrance,' would be most intriguing.


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## Bishop

Yesterday, I threw a soda at my wife's head. She's lucky it was a soft drink.


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## Riis Marshall

Hello Folks

Woman walks into a bar.

BARTENDER: What'll you have?

WOMAN: A double entendre.

So he gave her one.


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## Bloggsworth

I was going into college and, as you do, held the door open for those entering behind me, the first person through was a woman who started berating me:

"_I am quite capable of opening a door myself, I don't need a man to do it for me, you men are all the same, treating us women as_...." and more in that vein.

When she had finished her diatribe I just said:

"_I wasn't holding it open for you, I was holding it for the polite gentleman behind you_..."


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## apple

Said the nice Mormon girls at my front door to my three year old granddaughter and me,

"So, do you know who the Prophets are?"

"Oh yes," said my granddaughter importantly," and if any bad peoples touch my prophets, they will go straight to jail."   Then added with a royal air, " Only _I_ can touch my prophets."


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## Courtjester

‘Regular naps prevent the onset of old age, especially when taken while driving one’s car.’


----------



## Courtjester

‘Don’t get cheesed off when your neighbours are playing loud music at 2 am. Call them at 4 am, when the noise has stopped, and tell them how much you enjoyed their music.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

*Fun With Words*
​ 
Lexophilia is the love of words and a Lexophile is a person who appreciates the nuances that can sometimes be played with in words, for example ‘you can tune a piano, but you cannot tuna fish’ or ‘to write with a broken pencil is pointless.’ Here we go:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was  resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s 
all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone. It’s just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the 
end. 

 * * *
​


----------



## escorial

standing at the till ordering my KFC meal and thinking to myself ..the girl said ..sitting in or eating out..i replied..sitting out thanks..doh!


----------



## LordDarconis

"A schedule is just a list of things you're going to fail at."


----------



## Sonata

Sign outside a building

"For Family Planning advice, go in the back entrance"


----------



## midnightpoet

The four most terrifying words a wife can say to her husband - "We need to talk."


----------



## BurntMason84

Oh yeah... almost had a threesome the other night... was just missing two other people.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Every ten seconds a woman is giving birth, she must be found and stopped immediately!’ Anon.


----------



## hhourani

I got a vasectomy two years ago and I thought it would prevent my gf from bearing more children. But apparantly it only changed the colour of the baby. How did this happen?


----------



## Sonata

Dreams of gold lead the gang to boron the safe at the chemical plant, but  when the copper arrived they felt out of their element and now they  argon.


----------



## Joe_Bassett

I made a joke in German but I was mis-pun-derstood


----------



## Sonata

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to  eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a  book 

 The other was typing away on his typewriter. 

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. 

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.’  Anon.


----------



## Sonata

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


----------



## Cran

To further our studies into the medical benefits of marijuana, we petitioned for a joint research grant. We'd managed to get us high on the list.


----------



## Sonata

The English Teacher felt odd after being fired: it was post-grammatic stress disorder.


----------



## Aquarius

‘God gave humankind fire and they invented fire engines. He gave them love and they invented marriage.’ From ‘101 Classic Jewish Jokes’


----------



## Sonata

The ultimate inspiration is the deadline.

~ Nolan Bushnell


----------



## Aquarius

‘God gave humankind fire and they invented fire engines. He gave them love and they invented marriage.’ From ‘101 Classic Jewish Jokes’


----------



## Aquarius

‘If you have to live from hand to mouth, you’d better be ambidextrous!’ Barbra Streisand in ‘Hello Dolly’


----------



## Sonata




----------



## Aquarius

‘I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!’


----------



## Aquarius

‘It was a woman who drove me to drink – and do you know, I never even thanked her.’ W. C. Fields


----------



## Aquarius

‘If you have to live from hand to mouth, you’d better be ambidextrous!’ Barbra Streisand in ‘Hello Dolly’


----------



## Aquarius

‘Women have many faults, men have only two – everything they say and everything they do!’


----------



## Sonata

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he  is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears  this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds,  "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple  fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.  The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a  preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.  Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He  responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"


----------



## Riis Marshall

Hello Folks

Q: Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?

A: Inventor of the telephone pole.

All the best with your writing.

Warmest regards
Riis


----------



## Aquarius

Riis Marshall said:


> . . . Kowalski? . . .



Was he Polish by any chance? 

​


----------



## escorial

i never win..i always seem to lose....and that's a winner


----------



## Aquarius

‘An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.’

Maybe that's what you are lacking, Friend Escorial.


----------



## escorial

Aquarius said:


> ‘An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.’
> 
> Maybe that's what you are lacking, Friend Escorial.



i lack so much....often without thinking about it.....


----------



## Aquarius

I want to die like my father, peacefully asleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.


----------



## Aquarius

escorial said:


> i lack so much....often without thinking about it.....



Time for doiing more thinking, maybe? But not about the things that are missing in your life, but the ones that are there - each one a gift from the Universe.


----------



## Sonata

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was  Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished  I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another  bite'.


----------



## Aquarius

‘I do not mind change, as long as it does not alter anything.’


----------



## escorial

your not as thick as you look..a compliment or insult.....i never can decide


----------



## Sonata

A lettuce will Romaine a lettuce Cos it is.


----------



## Aquarius

‘If practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect, why practice?’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, you don’t understand the problem.’ Anon.


----------



## bdcharles

escorial said:


> your not as thick as you look..a compliment or insult.....i never can decide



A backhander if ever there was one...


----------



## Aquarius

‘An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.’ John Buchan


----------



## Aquarius

‘If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.’ ​ 
Woody Allen​


----------



## Aquarius

‘I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.’ Anon.


----------



## Sonata

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.


----------



## Tired

It's not that he didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


----------



## Bard_Daniel

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


----------



## HalfRail

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
gas with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.   Anon'


----------



## Sonata

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


----------



## Aquarius

‘I’m a nobody. Nobody is perfect. That means I am perfect.’ Anon.


----------



## Tired

Old gardeners never die; instead, they vegetate.


----------



## Aquarius

‘I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.’


----------



## Sonata

My nose is running.

Where is it running to?

I do not know but the tissue cannot catch it.


----------



## escorial

walking along the waterfront every now and again you pass a bench and screwed onto them are memorial plaques and one made me smile...it read with his date of birth and death his name and the words.."we have not paid to have this placed here and he would have found that so funny."....


----------



## Aquarius

‘If I save time, when do I get it back?’


----------



## Sonata

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. 

 ~ Dr Dirt - Alaska [No, I do not know who he is/was either]


----------



## Aquarius

‘Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.’


----------



## RowanBlack

I stink at making puns. So you could say that my jokes are PUNgent. 
A line from a play I'm helping co-write. 
"Step down little man. You can't take me." 
"Well what about my two friends here?" Notions to the two guards at his side. 
"I don't think you could take them either."


----------



## Aquarius

‘I am free of all prejudices. I hate everybody the same.’


----------



## Sonata

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Take my advice, I have no use for it.’


----------



## Sonata

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


----------



## Bard_Daniel

Sonata said:


> The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.



LOL!

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.


----------



## Shi

Haha!

Not even sure if this one is used before already:

Why should you drink yogurt? Because it's good for your gut!


----------



## LeeC

An acquaintance on FB noted that she was curious about Staples. Going there, she found they really did sell staples, so now she's off to check out Dick's.


----------



## Aquarius

‘As I said before, I never repeat myself.’


----------



## Sonata

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.


----------



## escorial

Liverpool's famous hairdresser Herbet in an interview on the radio..." My mum..God bless her...use to say to me...the worlds out there and not behind the curtains."


----------



## Aquarius

‘Sometimes I need what only you can provide and that is your absence.’


----------



## Aquarius

‘A conscience does not prevent sinning. It only stops you from enjoying it.’


----------



## escorial

bob hopes wife asked..where would you like to be buried..he replied..suprise me


----------



## Sonata

I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!


----------



## Aquarius

‘If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.’


----------



## Sonata

My doctor took one look at  my gut and refused to believe that  I work  out. So I listed the exercises  I do every day: jump to conclusions,  climb the walls, drag my heels,  push my luck, make mountains out of  molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot  in my  mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.


----------



## escorial

went to a samba gig in the city and over heard to teenage girls arguing..one said.."you look like a fake barbie doll"


----------



## JustRob

But I'm a mathematician. I don't see the point.


----------



## Sonata

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree,  	I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring  	a knife on a date.


----------



## Aquarius

‘War determines not who is right but who is left.’


----------



## DATo

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.


2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, DATo posted ten different puns on _The Writing Forums _website, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


----------



## Olly Buckle

The tribal chief in a Commonwealth country who, admiring of the Queen, had a replica throne made, complete with sconce stone. It filled grass his hut so when not in use he had it hauled up to the rafters. The stone, however, made it so heavy that the hut collapsed with terrible consequences:  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


----------



## escorial

Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear of and gave it to his girlefriend she said thanks..he replied.."you What!"


----------



## escorial

got my bank statement today..i'm in the brown again....


----------



## escorial

asked my wife what would she like for her birthday..she replied a widows pension


----------



## escorial

my wife started putting something between her breasts to spice up are ageing sex life..her belly button


----------



## dither

escorial said:


> got my bank statement today..i'm in the brown again....



Escorial,
that could so easily be a throwaway line, an off the cuff remark, in a novel.

Writers, take note.


----------



## Aquarius

‘The best way of preventing a hangover is staying drunk.’


----------



## dither

I _DO , _actually , have a drink problem, in so far as i don't have the time or the money.

It _IS, _a problem.


----------



## dither

Aquarius said:


> ‘The best way of preventing a hangover is staying drunk.’



The more i think of that, the more i like it.


----------



## Olly Buckle

Aquarius said:


> ‘The best way of preventing a hangover is staying drunk.’


Yep; in the short term you don't notice anything, in the long term you are dead.


----------



## Sonata

Olly Buckle said:


> Yep; in the short term you don't notice anything, in the long term you are dead.



As a non-drinker. does that mean I can go buy a bottle?


----------



## Olly Buckle

Sonata said:


> As a non-drinker. does that mean I can go buy a bottle?


One bottle won't keep  you there long, and you will fall over a lot more before you get dead. I wouldn't advise it, your way of avoiding hangovers is much better.


----------



## escorial

I was at an outdoor concert all weekend and i can sense when the atmosphere changes once the booze has had time to kick in...it all starts of jolly and then the drunk personalities come out..the happy drunk,silly drunk,pissed of drunk..been there worn the t-shirt myself but now i don't drink and just enjoy the experience..i think it's all part of getting older and that's cool but i don't envy the ones my age still doing and acting the way they did in their younger more carefree days.....


----------



## Sonata

Olly Buckle said:


> One bottle won't keep  you there long, and you will fall over a lot more before you get dead. I wouldn't advise it, your way of avoiding hangovers is much better.



Got any better [and accurate] suggestions then?

Please.


----------



## Aquarius

dither said:


> The more i think of that, the more i like it.



Not to be recommended though!


----------



## Aquarius

Sonata said:


> As a non-drinker. does that mean I can go buy a bottle?



Buy a bottle, I'd say, but don't drink it.


----------



## dither

Olly Buckle said:


> Yep; in the short term you don't notice anything, in the long term you are dead.




Sounds good but it really is a crap way to go.


----------



## Aquarius

I too am a non-drinker. It's not been for the want of trying it in my younger days, but looking back I can see quite clearly that alcohol never did agree with me. I tried a drop of whiskey recently in the hope that it would help me sleep at night and found out that nothing has changed. It made me feel very strange indeed.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?’


----------



## Sonata

Aquarius said:


> ‘Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?’



I guess the answer is either yes or no.

I think.


----------



## dither

Sonata said:


> I guess the answer is either yes or no.
> 
> I think.







I wasn't expecting that.#-o


----------



## LeeC




----------



## Sonata

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether  	they like it or not.


----------



## Aquarius

‘If your father is a poor man, it’s your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your own stupidity.’


----------



## escorial

my friend failed her driving test on one question..the examiner asked..what is the most common road sign on a country road?...she replied...pick your own strawberries


----------



## Aquarius

‘I was born intelligent – education ruined me.’


----------



## SilverMoon

When the writer Dorothy Parker was asked to use horticulture in a sentence without a beat, she said "You can lead a whore to culture but you cant make her think"


----------



## escorial

SilverMoon said:


> When the writer Dorothy Parker was asked to use horticulture in a sentence without a beat, she said "You can lead a whore to culture but you cant make her think"




you can lead a horse to water but a pencil mus be lead...


----------



## Olly Buckle

Woody Allen had a line, 'The Ancient Greeks stole all my best ideas'.


----------



## Sonata

“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
-
“That will be  	the paper jamming again!”


----------



## Aquarius

‘A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. What more can I say? ‘


----------



## DATo

*Book Dedications*

I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for that one guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being "too rowdy". You're an asshole, sir.

Jenny Lawson (_Let's Pretend This Never Happened_)

=================================================

To my wife Marganit and my children Ella Rose and Daniel Adam without whom this book would have been completed two years earlier.

Joseph J. Rotman (_An Introduction to Algebraic Topology_)

=================================================

To those who inspired it and will not read it.

Juan Goytisolo (_Makbara_)

=================================================

You know how it is. You pick up a book, flip to the dedication, and find that, once again, the author has dedicated a book to someone else and not to you.

Not this time

Because we haven't yet met/have only a glancing acquaintance/are just crazy about each other/havent see each other in much too long/are in some way related/will never meet, but will, I trust, despite that, always think fondly of each other ...

This one's for you.

With you know what, and you probably know why.

Neil Gaiman (_Anansi Boys_) 

=================================================

This book is dedicated to everybody you hate.
Sorry. Life's like that sometimes.

Dan Wells (_Ruins_)

=================================================

To Grandma, for being my first editor and giving me the best writing advice I've ever received: "Christopher, I think you should wait until you are done with elementary school before worrying about being a failed writer."

Chris Colfer (_The Land Of Stories)_

=================================================

For my parents, even though they never bought me a robot.

Prudence Shen (_Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong_)

=================================================


----------



## Sonata

I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.


----------



## Aquarius

‘If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?’


----------



## escorial

coming out the divorce court it's funny how your half fits in a carrier bag..chubby brown


----------



## Aquarius

‘As light travels faster than sound, some people may appear bright – until you hear them speak.’


----------



## Sonata

Jokes about unemployed people are not  	funny. They just don't work.


----------



## Aquarius

‘If practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect, why practice?’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

A man who smoked and drank heavily gave up both habits at the same time. He said later it was the worst half-hour of his life.


----------



## DATo

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.


*Also ...*

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

*Also, also ...
*
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This too incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next morning "Small Medium at Large"

*And yet ANOTHER also ...
*
Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bought some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so he added some thinner to the paint, it still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. The paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

*And one gross one ...*

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. 

 A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. 

 The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. 

 When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." 

 He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." 

 Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


----------



## Courtjester

For twenty-odd years my wife and I were happy - then we met. (Let me hasten to say that's not true in my case. Cj)


----------



## Aquarius

‘How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?’


----------



## Sonata

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.


----------



## JustRob

I was watching the film _Clear and Present Danger _on the TV yesterday (not for the first time) and when the caskets containing the dead were being brought off the plane they played the largo from Dvorak's _New World Symphony_, also known as "Goin' home". 

On hearing it my angel remarked from the kitchen "That's the music from the Hovis advert." 

The old TV advertisement for Hovis bread depicting the delivery boy slowly pushing his bike up an incredibly steep cobbled hill to that music is famous and was parodied on several occasions.

When I told her that they were bringing out the coffins to the music she replied "Oh, then they're brown bread."

If you don't understand her remarkably quick witticism then you should read up on Cockney rhyming slang.


----------



## Sonata

I know I should not have laughed but that was such a brilliant witticism that it was impossible not to laugh.  Please tell your angel that she really nailed it! 

Heck - I now have a craving for Hovis...


----------



## Sonata

@JustRob - that really was an absolutely brilliant comment from your angel - and I am still laughing at her quick wit!


----------



## Aquarius

‘Should women have children after thirty-five? No, thirty-five children are enough.’


----------



## JustRob

Sonata said:


> @JustRob - that really was an absolutely brilliant comment from your angel - and I am still laughing at her quick wit!



So are both of us. Sometimes things just spring to mind like that. It wasn't just that she said it but that she did so spontaneously. And one shouldn't feel ashamed about joking about a scene in a film. I doubt that any people were really killed in the making of it although they don't specifically mention such things in the disclaimers.

My angel just said that, regarding that Hovis advert, you probably wouldn't make it up that hill, but then we'd both have trouble with it as well nowadays. However, the boy in the advert returned forty years later to do it again.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...arl-Barlow-returns-cobbled-hill-40-YEARS.html


----------



## JustRob

You get to the upper floor of our supermarket on a travelator, but we wanted to go there immediately.


----------



## Courtjester

They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you get older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it much. Malcolm Conley.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Living on Earth may be expensive, but it does include an annual free trip round the Sun.’


----------



## DATo

Back to puns ....

A man's wife assaulted him by throwing a bottle of Omega-3 tablets and striking him in the head. 
He's hospitalized now with super fish oil injuries.


----------



## Courtjester

Experience enables you to recognise a mistake, when you make it again. F. P. Jones


----------



## Aquarius

‘Someone told me that our future depends on our dreams. What are you waiting for? Go to sleep!’


----------



## Courtjester

A people so primitive that they did not know how to get money except by working for it. George Ade


----------



## Courtjester

More and more these days I find myself trying to reconcile my net income with my gross habits. J. K. Nelson


----------



## Courtjester

Many a man who couldn't direct you to the corner shop when he was thirty will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. Finlay Dunne


----------



## escorial

a woman stopped me in the street today and said..hi handsome were is the Optitions...


----------



## Aquarius

‘Alcohol kills slowly. So what, who’s in a hurry?’


----------



## Courtjester

He did nothing in particular and did it very well. W. S. Gilbert


----------



## Courtjester

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. Ralph Waldo Emerson


----------



## Aquarius

‘Who are you working for?'

'Always the same people, my wife and four children.’


----------



## Courtjester

The trouble ain't that people are ignorant; it's that they know so much that ain't so. Josh Billings


----------



## Courtjester

Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Thomas la Mance


----------



## Courtjester

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Lawrence J. Peter


----------



## Aquarius

A drunk was hauled into court. ‘Mister,’ the Judge began, ‘you’ve been brought here for drinking.’ ‘Great,’ the drunk exclaimed. ‘When do we get started?’


----------



## Courtjester

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers


----------



## Aquarius

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?


----------



## Courtjester

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns


----------



## Courtjester

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. William Dean Howells


----------



## Phil Istine

Mailman:  Knock, knock.
Dylan:  Stop knocking so loud.
Mailman:  But your bell ain't working.
Dylan:  What ya got for me, anyway?
Mailman:  Looks like a No Bell prize.


----------



## Courtjester

One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age. Bill Vaughan


----------



## Courtjester

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.


----------



## Courtjester

I would not say most of them, but certainly the majority. Gwynedd County Councillor


----------



## midnightpoet

I want to die at the age of 105, shot by a jealous husband.


----------



## Courtjester

I believe that all illegal organisations should be outlawed. Ian Paisley, Senior


----------



## Aquarius

‘Appreciate life by drinking tea as follows: with the first sip – joy. With the second – satisfaction. With the third – peace. With the fourth – a chocolate biscuit.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

I'm a great fan of baseball. I watch a lot of games on the radio. Gerald Ford


----------



## Courtjester

Headmasters of schools tend to be men. Clare Short


----------



## Aquarius

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.


----------



## LeeC

You can not run through a camp site. You can only ran because your action is past tents.


----------



## escorial

an oldcootism.....LC


----------



## LeeC

escorial said:


> an oldcootism.....LC


at least I didn't caution you not to squat with your spurs on  

seems I'm not heedin' what grandpappy said:
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.


----------



## Courtjester

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle


----------



## Aquarius

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you then have to talk about?


----------



## Courtjester

I want to thank each and every one of you for extinguishing yourselves this session. Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives


----------



## Aquarius

‘Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. Letter sent by Greenville County Department of Social Services, South Carolina to a resident, two weeks after his death.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be like a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

When I want a peerage, I shall buy one, like any honest man. Lord Northcliffe


----------



## Courtjester

A man who normally gave his wife anemones on her birthday found one year that the florist did not have any, so he bought a fern instead, presenting it to his better half and expressing regret that he couldn't offer his usual gift. "Oh, it's lovely," said his wife, "and don't be sorry. With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"


----------



## Courtjester

If you're at a summit, you're trying to climb a mountain. Lord Carrington, former Biritsh Foreign Secretary


----------



## Courtjester

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. Lawrence J. Peter


----------



## Aquarius

‘To find the Buddha, look within. If you see that deep inside you there are ten thousand flowers, each flower blossoms ten thousand times and every blossom has ten thousand petals, you may want to see a specialist.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists. Dan Quayle


----------



## Courtjester

A vulture with two dead raccoons in its beak boards an aircraft. "Sorry, sir," says the stewardess, "but we allow only one carrion per passenger."


----------



## SilverMoon

"Don't Look at Me in that Tone of Voice"  _Dorothy Parker_


----------



## midnightpoet

Patient: "Doc, I sprained my wrist and it hurts like hell."

Doc: "So it's plain the pain lies mainly in the strain."


----------



## LeeC

midnightpoet said:


> Patient: "Doc, I sprained my wrist and it hurts like hell."
> 
> Doc: "So it's plain the pain lies mainly in the strain."


We need a "groan" button


----------



## Courtjester

I went up the greasy pole of politics, step by step. Michael Heseltine, UK Conservative MP


----------



## Aquarius

‘Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things much faster.’


----------



## escorial

granddads last words.." F**k me..a bus!"


----------



## Courtjester

We're not the sort of party that does things behind smoke-filled doors. Bryan Gould UK Labour Party spokesman


----------



## Courtjester

Trees have to be cut down and replanted. Nicholas Ridley, former UK Environment Secretary


----------



## Courtjester

You can hide the fire, but what can you do with the smoke? Joel C. Harris


----------



## Aquarius

‘The Torah and the Bible say: ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself.’ The Buddha says: ‘There is no ‘self.’ So, maybe you’re off the hook already.’ Anon.


----------



## Courtjester

Anyone in his position needs to be whiter than white. UK Conservative MP Dame Jill Knight, referring to Nelson Mandela.


----------



## midnightpoet

I got this from a Scoutmaster friend:

16 Steps to building a campfire



Split dead limbs into fragments and shave one fragment into splinters.
Bandage left thumb
Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
Bandage left foot
Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand
Light match
Light match
Repeat “a scout is cheerful several times and light match again
Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire
Apply burn ointment to nose
When fire is burning, collect more wood
Upon discovering fire has gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”
Treat face and arms for second-degree burns
Re-label can to read “gasoline.”
When fire is burning well, add remaining firewood
When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps


----------



## Courtjester

The only way we'll get a volunteer army is to draft them. F. Edward Herbert


----------



## Aquarius

Women over fifty don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.


----------



## midnightpoet

A drunk, after leaving a bar in the middle of the night, wanders into a graveyard and falls into an open grave.  At sunrise he wakes up notices he's in a grave - then looks around and- all he sees are gravestones and monuments.

"Well, I'll be," he declares.  "It must be judgement day and I'm the first one up."


----------



## Courtjester

It is a transparent smokescreen.  South African Conservative Party statement.


----------



## Courtjester

. . . in Poland, or some other Latin-American country. Arthur Scargill, UK coalminers' leader


----------



## Aquarius

One of life’s great unsolved mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolates can make someone gain five pounds.


----------



## Courtjester

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. G. B. Shaw


----------



## Aquarius

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves me completely.


----------



## Courtjester

Junk is something you keep for years, then throw away a week before you need it. Anon


----------



## Aquarius

One of the best ways of forgetting your troubles is wearing tight shoes.


----------



## Courtjester

Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will see to that. Robert C. Edwards


----------



## LeeC

There are flat earth believers all around the globe.


----------



## Courtjester

To go round the world in a week, as I did the other day, is very exhausting. Lord Glenarthur, former UK Foreign Office Minister


----------



## Aquarius

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.


----------



## Courtjester

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. Stephen Wright


----------



## Courtjester

There's no smoke without mud being flung around. Edwina Currie


----------



## JustRob

My angel and I are like oil and water, so our relationship is one of mixed emulsions.

When I read this out to my angel just now she said "No, that's mayonnaise," so I typed "mais on aise" into a French-English translator and it came back with "but we're comfortable." She was right then. Doesn't that just prove that life is holistic?

So, the revised now bilingual pun is:

My angel and I are like oil and water, so our relationship is one of mixed emulsions (mais on aise).


----------



## Courtjester

To make certain that crime does not pay, the government should take it over and try to run it. G. Norman Collie


----------



## The Fantastical

There is a little bit of Dragon in each of us. What we hoard just varies in glittery-ness. - The Fantastical


----------



## Courtjester

The trouble ain't that people are ignorant; it's that they know so much that ain't so. Josh Billings


----------



## Aquarius

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


----------



## bobo

'Religion ~ a daugther of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable'
Ambrose Biers


----------



## Aquarius

A friend of mine sometimes confuses Valium with her birth control pills. She now has fourteen children, but she doesn’t really care.


----------



## Aquarius

The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing and then they marry him.


----------



## Courtjester

I didn't know the meaning of the word 'surrender'. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'capitulation'. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'submission'. So my friends had a whip-round and bought me a dictionary.


----------



## escorial

couple @ brexit

having a brexit christmas dinner without brussels

fav christmas song.." all i want for christmas is EU"


----------



## 1Zaslowcrane1

BaDum Bump! (Sound of a rimshot) "Thanks Folks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitperson!"


----------



## 1Zaslowcrane1

RE: "The trouble with some women..."  Cher said that back in the 70's (about her then husband Sonny Bono)


----------



## bobo

escorial said:


> couple @ brexit
> 
> .." all i want for christmas is EU"



I fully understand that - we're an adorable, un-surmountably bunch - :applause:


----------



## 1Zaslowcrane1

It was a beautiful, sunny day.
A snail was having a lovely walk.
When he passed by a rock two turtles jumped up from behind the rock, beat the hell out of the snail and stole his wallet.
When interviewed by the police, and asked what had happened, he replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"


----------



## Aquarius

The other day, I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!


----------



## Ol' Fartsy

[video=youtube;degaaemB9D0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=degaaemB9D0[/video]


----------



## Courtjester

This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice. Roger Baldwin


----------



## Courtjester

And whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thief, depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.
 W.S. Gilbert


----------



## Aquarius

Save the Earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

Keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them one of these days.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Phil Istine

Devil lived, veiled, in vile, evil Levi.

(Just felt like playing with some (near) anagrams).


----------



## Aquarius

If you lend someone twenty pounds and you never see that person again, it probably is worth losing the money.


----------



## bobo




----------



## AnnPreston

I was going to tell you a pizza joke.  But I thought it would be too cheesy.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

It may be that someone’s sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning for others, to show them how they do NOT want to be.


----------



## bobo

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.


----------



## Aquarius

Never buy a car that cannot be pushed.


----------



## escorial

mick jagger screamed where is my drummer and when Charlie watts turned up he said i'm not your drummer and your my singer


----------



## Aquarius

It’s the early worms that get eaten by the birds. That's why I prefer sleeping late.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

The second mouse gets the cheese.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

When everything is coming your way, it's likely that you are in the wrong lane.


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## sas

bobo said:


> View attachment 17697




Why is it increasingly difficult to live in the present?


----------



## bobo

sas said:


> Why is it increasingly difficult to live in the present?


Could be because both past and future has  pull power - and if so they'll be two against one irate:


----------



## Aquarius

Birthdays are good for you. The more of them you have the longer you live.


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo

The best, most intelligent puns ever....				 							1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much pi.

 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,  but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..

 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The> stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
       No pun in ten did. ​


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

What a lot human beings can learn from crayons! Just think: some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but still they live peacefully together in the same box.


----------



## JustRob

There's an old saying that too many crayons spoil the box; something like that anyway.


----------



## Aquarius

JustRob said:


> There's an old saying that too many crayons spoil the box; something like that anyway.



Never heard of that one.


----------



## JustRob

That's the tragedy of the commons, that the perpetrators haven't heard of it or don't believe in it.


----------



## bobo

Well, you can of course also set a crayon apart in a single, decorative and special box ... as a distinguished or may be funny treat 
But that's another story ... if getting my drift


----------



## escorial

Waiting for a bus home today there were two young lads in the teens and one came out with a saying I haven't heard in years..not sure if it's a local or wider saying but it made me smile..soft s**te..


----------



## bazz cargo

We are a story telling species, most of the stories we tell are stupid. It is a delight to come across one that makes me think rather than tries to tell me what to think.


----------



## Aquarius

Bessie Braddock: ‘Sir, you are drunk.’ Churchill: ‘Ah yes, Madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.’


----------



## bobo




----------



## NeenaDiHope

I love sarcasm. 
It's like punching people in the face, but with words.


----------



## Aquarius

NeenaDiHope said:


> I love sarcasm.
> It's like punching people in the face, but with words.



Like the following one maybe?

Nancy Astor: ‘Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.’ 

Churchill: ‘If I were your husband I would take it.’


----------



## bazz cargo

Old Bag.... A failing internet dating site.


----------



## bobo




----------



## JustRob

They say that it was primarily the elderly who carried the vote for Brexit in Britain. Perhaps they didn't want to be in continent.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ Walter Kerr


----------



## Aquarius

‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.’ Clarence Darrow


----------



## Book Cook

Louis: "Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?"

Ace Ventura: "Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Louis. But thank you for asking."


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.’ Mark Twain


----------



## Aquarius

‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’ Oscar Wilde


----------



## Aquarius

‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one.’ George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill ‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.’ Winston Churchill, in response.


----------



## midnightpoet

The Mexicanmaid asked for a pay increase.

   The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
   She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
   Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase.
The first is that I'm better housekeeper than you."
   Wife: "And who said that?"
   Maria: "Your husband he say so."
   Wife: "Oh yeah?"
   Maria: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
   Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
   Maria: "Your husband did."
   Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did,did he?"
   Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed."   
   The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
   Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
   Maria: "No Senora... the gardener did."

    Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"


----------



## escorial

Today on the radio a reporter asking a golfer about the change in the weather at the start of the golf open..he replied...if the ball goes in the bunker then you put it there..


----------



## kaufenpreis

This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice. Roger Baldwin


----------



## Aquarius

‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’ Stephen Bishop


----------



## bdcharles

"What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency." - George Jean Nathan


----------



## escorial

New version of old blue eyes classic..my way..to be released...I did it her way


----------



## bobo

To do it her way is always good :encouragement:


----------



## escorial

I've read many times that women are attracted to powerful men an I get that...I was a big admirer of Margret Thatcher..never hair out of place


----------



## bobo

Surely some are - women being just as different as all other humans


----------



## escorial

Her hair was always immaculate and dressed to the nines...she makes teresa may look like wurzel gumage


----------



## Aquarius

escorial said:


> I've read many times that women are attracted to powerful men an I get that...I was a big admirer of Margaret Thatcher..never hair out of place



Or could it be the other way round, i.e. men being attracted by powerful women?


----------



## bobo

escorial said:


> Her hair was always immaculate and dressed to the nines...she makes teresa may look like wurzel gumage


I liked her appearance too, always neat & tidy - if that's the proper words to use about such one 
Don't know much about your present Theresa (?) - politics on this planet isn't something I want to use my youth on :lemo:


----------



## escorial

Nothing sexier than a woman in a tank turret with a head  scarf on...


----------



## bobo

escorial said:


> Nothing sexier than a woman in a tank turret with a head  scarf on...
> View attachment 18971



Isn't the tank commander there having a moustache ??


----------



## Aquarius

bobo said:


> Isn't the tank commander there having a moustache ??



Well, why shouldn't she be now?


----------



## Aquarius

‘He is a self-made man and worships his creator.’ John Bright


----------



## Aquarius

‘I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’ Irvin S. Cobb


----------



## Aquarius

‘A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘He is not only dull himself; he is also the cause of dullness in others.’ Samuel Johnson


----------



## midnightpoet

Son: Dad, I don't know what to do - my girlfriend is all sex, sex, sex.  I can't keep up and she's wearing me out.  What can I do?

Dad: Marry her.  That'll put a stop to that.


----------



## sas

Aquarius said:


> ‘He is not only dull himself; he is also the cause of dullness in others.’ Samuel Johnson





Yep, exactly . . .which is why I divorced that guy.  (Note rhyme). Sas


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ Paul Keating


----------



## Aquarius

‘To avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.’ Charles, Count Talleyrand


----------



## escorial

after a swim the other day and on my way to the sauna it was time for the pool to have a mother and toddlers session and a young girl with arm bands on and about 3 or 4 said to her mum..i'm so excited.....and of they went to the pool


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo

So said a note left behind - but see what happened


----------



## Aquarius

‘He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.’ Forrest Tucker


----------



## SilverMoon

Answering Machine Message: "You've reached God. I already know what you have to say. But thank you for calling."  
_......................................................................................................................................................SilverMoon_


----------



## Aquarius

‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’ Mae West


----------



## escorial

Franco writing about the quality of his men while fighting in Mrrocco...there were two circus clowns and one of my officers was sure he got a salute from his dad


----------



## bobo




----------



## bobo




----------



## bazz cargo

Beaten to death with a blunt axiom.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Some cause happiness wherever they go, others when they go.’ Oscar Wilde


----------



## Articulate Lady

"I saw the baseball get bigger, then it hit me"


----------



## Aquarius

‘He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than illumination.’ Andrew Lang


----------



## JustRob

If you have flu-like symptoms then that could be analogy. Silly me, it's most likely actually a simile. No, hang on, that's a spoonerism. That's a shame, that I can't think of a pun for that.


----------



## Aquarius

‘He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.’ Billy Wilder


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.’ Groucho Marx


----------



## stevesh




----------



## Aquarius

‘If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.’ Quentin Crisp


----------



## Anthony-Richard

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


----------



## Aquarius

‘If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.’ Anon.


----------



## bobo

If You Have Buttons... You're A Robot !!


----------



## Aquarius

‘If worms had guns, birds would not mess with them.’ Anon.


----------



## bobo




----------



## Aquarius

‘As light travels faster than sound, some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak.’ Anon.


----------



## midnightpoet

"You'd best be silent and be thought a fool, than open it and remove all doubt." Anon


----------



## Aquarius

‘If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray it’s not a train!’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘I believe human beings never really grow up, they merely learn how to act in public.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.’ Anon.


----------



## Dormouse

A teacher told me I will always be terrible at poetry because of my dyslexia. 
Well I will have you know I have already made 2 jugs and a vase.
so up yours Mr McPherson!


----------



## Aquarius

‘The evening news start with ‘Good Evening’ and then tell us that it isn’t anything of the kind.’ Anon.


----------



## Tim

Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking his private bit. One guy says, "Gee I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "Perhaps you should pat him first."


----------



## Aquarius

‘Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My PC is a work station.’ Anon.


----------



## Amnesiac

Then there was the dyslexic devil worshiper who was shocked and horrified to discover that he'd sold his soul to Santa.

Friend of mine hit a deer. It totaled her car, but she was okay and insurance was paying her far more than her car was worth, and she'd be able to buy a new one. This didn't stop her from going on at length. Crying about the car, crying about the deer, crying and crying... I'm trying to be the understanding friend, but I'm starting to run out of patience. Finally, she blurts out, "Have YOU ever hit a deer?!"
I said, "What, you mean like, in the FACE?"
It was quiet for a long moment, and then she shouted, "WHAT is the MATTER with YOU?!" and _BANG!_ slammed the phone down. She never called me again.

I just love a happy ending...


----------



## Aquarius

‘I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted paychecks.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still believe they are handsome and sexy.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind his fall is usually another woman.’ Anon.


----------



## L2me

A pun walks into a bar and two tables of five people die.
Pun in ten dead.


----------



## Aquarius

‘A clear conscience can be the sign of a fuzzy memory.’ Anon.


----------



## Aquarius

‘You do not need a parachute to skydive, only when you intend to do it again.’ Anon.


----------



## Earp

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

Baboom!

- or -

Rhesus pieces.


 - Ace Cosby


----------



## Aquarius

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says: ‘I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’


----------



## seigfried007

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar. They are followed by BATMAN!


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## The Carcosan Herald

Three men out for a night on the razzle find a park slide. Beside it is a sign that says, "Any word you shout riding on this slide, you will land in a pool of".

The first man gets onto the slide, and yells out, "Gold!". When he hits the bottom, the second man gets onto the slide and yells out, "Diamonds!". Just as the third man gets onto the slide, he realises with great dread that he's forgotten about his daughter's clarinet recital tonight. Thus as he goes down the slide, he yells out, "OH SHIIIIIIIT!!!".


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## Amnesiac




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## Trollheart

Three nuns playing darts in a pub, slightly the worse for drink. One scores twenty-five, barman calls out "Twenty-five!" Second one hit the side of the board, then a double-top with her second dart, but it falls out so she ends up with a score of three. Barman yells out "three!"

Third nun, determined to do better, and a more accomplished darts player anyway, scores double-top and then double-top again. Her third dart, unfortunately, bounces back and, in a one-in-a-million chance, sticks into the first nun's head. She drops down, dead.

Barman, without missing a beat, shouts out "One nun dead and eighty!" 
:lol:


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## seigfried007

Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders H2O. The second says, "I'll have H2O, too!"

The second man died.


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## seigfried007

What do undertakers do with dead chemists?


They barium.


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## seigfried007

Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar...

and didn't.


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## Trollheart

Sandwich walks into a bar, barman says "Sorry, we don't serve sandwiches."


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## CmdrTrailblazer

(I'm legally blind and color blind, so I get these two all the time)

When two blind guys are fighting, try and spice things up by yalling at them:

"My money's on the one with the knife!"

---

A blind guy walks into a bar...

...and a stool...

...and the wall.


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## seigfried007

A man walks into a bar

The second man ducks


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## seigfried007

Everyone was sent home from the leper prom because there was a face off in the corner.


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## seigfried007

What's the most famous English dinosaur?


Tea-Rex


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## Trollheart

Two pukes were walking when they came to a particular street, and one started getting emotional. The other one turned to him and asked what was wrong. "Oh nothing," said the first puke. "It's just, this is where I was brought up."


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## Trollheart

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can make a mess of today."

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but with it you sure can be miserable in comfort."

"Misery may like company, but it never buys a round of drinks."

"If a tree falls in the forest, it's best not to be under it."

"Wouldn't you give your left arm to be ambidextrous?"

"He who laughs last clearly did not get the joke."

"Underneath every mean, tough exterior is a mean, tough interior."

"The bigger they are, the faster you should probably run."


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## seigfried007

Three priests are fishing in a rowboat and decide to confess their sins to each other. 

The first says, "Gee, I have a really hard time with greed. That offering plate... it's just so tempting to take some out while I'm counting it."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that; I'll be praying for you," says the second. "I have a hard time with lust. That new sister..._ whoo_, I was walking through the prayer garden, and she forgot to shut the curtains, so I saw her through that window without her habit on. _Hot damnation_, brothers, a body like that makes me rethink this celibacy thing."

The first priest consoles the second, and they pray to God for forgiveness and strength to fight these temptations. 

The third priest says, "Well, my sin is gossiping, and brothers, I just can't wait to get back to the church!"


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## Amnesiac

Money can't buy happiness, but it's a helluva lot easier to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.


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## Trollheart

What did one horseman of the apocalypse say to the other horseman of the apocalypse?
"Cheer up, mate! It's not the end of the world!"


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## Amnesiac

To the person who stole my anti-depressants: I hope you're happy now!

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes. It was, sadly, the end of my Korea. I’m still China find another job.

It turns out when you lose a sock in the laundry, it actually turns into a lid in your kitchen that fits none of your Tupperware.


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## Trollheart

If time and space are relative, why didn't they come to my birthday party?

To the person who gave us zero: thanks for nothing.


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## Art Man

I'm not a big fan of pun or parody and to pun another artists' work can be infuriating to the target artist so I try not to be leechy through punnery. I like my work to stand on its own but of course you can only take originality so far and some things you write are going to be similar to what was already done. Essentially though I don't try and pun or parody simply because I don't like those methods of "prompting".


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## Trollheart

Art Man said:


> I'm not a big fan of pun or parody and to pun another artists' work can be infuriating to the target artist so I try not to be leechy through punnery. I like my work to stand on its own but of course you can only take originality so far and some things you write are going to be similar to what was already done. Essentially though I don't try and pun or parody simply because I don't like those methods of "prompting".


Every single time I see your name I see "Ant Man". :lol: Sorry.


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## Aquarius

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: ‘Dam!’


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## Selorian

The natural beauty of Mount Rushmore before it was carved was simply unpresidented.


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## Aquarius

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


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