# First part to my story "54"



## Chrispt316 (Aug 23, 2017)

please excuse the grammer and spelling.

Number 54

Eve placed the camera on the kitchen table, sitting herself directly in front of the lens. She paused.
" I dont know where to start?.." She said looking straight at the red dot. Recording this was going to make the last few days real. Something she wished it wasn't. She was a very average looking young woman. A plain Jane in every sense of the word. Her dark hair was always tired up and she wore very little make up. The past few days had taken its toll on her, she looked tired and in need of sleep.

"My name is Eve Morrison and ive been asked by one of your colleagues at the university to record whats going on in my house" Eve placed her hands in a prayer like position. Covering her mouth. "I think there is something in my house, i feel like it wants me out..and i feel crazy saying this but.." Her voice starting to shake. Her hands fidget as she continues.
"It started a few days ago, i thought it was my imagination! Ive been trying to convince myself..." Her voice breaks with fear again. "But its not me, its not in my head" Eva looks directly into the lens of the camera. Eyes wide with a look of despair.

An almight crash from upstairs booms through the ceiling making the light fitting above her head  sway! Eve jumps up from her seat with a short shrieking screem.
She places her hand over her quivering lips, her breathing panicked as she stares at the light fitting.

Leaning onto the table she looks into the camrea.
"PLEASE. I NEED YOUR HELP!"..Her image fades into a dot as the video ends.
Alex turns to Professor Jacobs and raises his eyebrows above the rims of his retro-geek glasses. "What do you think?".

" I read the report Denton took in her phone interview. she seems genuine!" Professor Jacobs opens the file again as he continues to speak. Denton was only Denton to Alex and the professor. Sally to her girlfriends had been working for the administration side of the team for about six months, it was easy money and she found the work interesting, its hard living on the student loan lifestyle.
Running his finger down the hand writen text taken only a day before.
" Shes lived in the house for ten days. She claims that as soon as she moved in there was a feeling she couldn't explain". Alex removing his glasses leaning back in his chair begins to drum his fingers on the old oak table. 
This was the office of Professor Michael Jacobs. A man with more credentials in psychology than anyone in the UK. Alex was told in his first year that studying under Jacobs would be classed as an honor and not to be taken lightly.

The trouble was Alex was not your typical student. He was used to living off the bank of mom and dad.   Having spent the first three months of his education at the University getting in trouble for sleeping with every fresher he could talk into bed. He was on thin ice and now had to start building bridges.
So he signed up for Jacobs crew. He had always bern intrested in weird stories. Plus the extra credits he would gain from the extra curricular activity wouldnt go a miss. To help investigate paranormal claims by members of the local public wasnt as easy as it looked. Alex helped set up a website where they invited people to contact them and tell their own stories. This proved to be a success as lots of local people contacted them.

"Shes staying at her friends house for the time being" Jacobs said. Closing the file. In the short time Alex had been assisting the Professor they had seen and heard some of the most ridiculous claims and reports you could ever imagine.
UFOs attacking people on the way home from the pub. Ghosts stealing watches and jewelry from peoples homes. These were all cases of bored local crack-pots with nothing better to do. Jacobs never gave in though, he would always look into every case.

Alex picked up the file, " Im on it.." He said leaving Jacobs wondering what he had done wrong to get stuck with Alex. Its not that the professor didn't like him. But Alex had a tendency to get side tracked usually by females.

That afternoon Alex makes the phone call to Eve. Walking to his car, after what seems like a million rings a voice answers.
"Hello.." Swaping ears and adjusting the mountain of files under his arm, he responds "Hi is that Eve?". Eve sat at her desk. "Yes who is this?" She was always suspicious of numbers she didnt know. Since her crazy ex got all of his friends to call her at all hours of the night after their break up. She was always on her guard.

"Its Alex Wright im working with Professor Jacobs here at the University. We have just been reviewing your request on our website..do you have time to talk". Eve looked around at the other women in the office. Gossiping and talking about random shit T.V and celebrity crap. She hated her job! Selling bolts and screws wasn't her idea of a career but it paid her bills.

"Ermmm yes. Thank you for getting back to me so quickly". She hadn't told anyone at work about the problems in here new house. Even though they had all been asking about a possible house warming party. Eve knew it was just an excuse to nosey around her new home and ask about the break up.

Alex shut the door to his old corsa and opens the file on his lap. " You say you think there is something in your house that isnt supposed to be there?". Eve had been staying with her friend as things at her new home had been really making life hell. She was petrified.
"Ever since i moved in things have been getting stranger and i dont feel safe there!". Alex listened making notes on her file. "Can you give me some more details?" He said. Eve's voice began to shake again as she remembered her last night in the house.
" ive seen things and heard things that i cant explain" she paused. "Ok.. What have you seen?". he replied.

Alex waited. " Do you believe in evil spirits?" Eve said trying to keep her voice down. No one at her work knew that she was to scared to go home. No one knew that night after night she was awoken by noises all over her house and a figure that was never seen by her fully. Only out of the corner of her eye in different areas of her new home. Yet the figure was not of human shape.  In fact the figure didn't have a set form, overtime she caught a glimpse it seemed to shape shift and then fade quickly.

All she knew was that buying the house was a massive mistake and a gut reaction to splitting up with Andy. She had just wanted out after a very controlling and abusive relationship.This house was supposed to be the fresh start she always wanted, but the last ten days made her regret the move. The house had been on the market for nearly 12 months and was a bargin. At just £65,000 the house was to good to pass up. It had been empty ever since the last owner had moved to Scotland.

"I've not been doing this line of work for long if i'm honest. But i know Professor Jacobs believes there are things we can't explain."
Eve was desparate to have someone to tell her she wasn't going crazy. That this was really happening. " Look.. there is something i didn't say in the video".

"Go on" he waited. Eve took a deep breath, " i found a book in an old wardrobe when i first moved in. i didn't think anything of it at the time but all this stuff started happening when i moved it..do you think that means something?" she paused. Alex started the engine, "Where is the book now?" he said.
"Its still at the house" she said, "I couldn't read any of it, it was full of strange pictures to. When i found the book there was a lump of coal on top of it!".
Alex told eve that he would arrange a time for the professor and himself to meet her at the house. The thought of returning to that place terrified her but she agreed. She had no choice.

That night Alex tried to get his own studying done but he couldn't get eve's scared voice out of his head. Sitting at his desk in front of his computer he opened up a new browser.
Typing Eve's address into the search bar he felt shocked at what came up. 'Number 4 Pinewood Lane, house of horror'. Alex clicked on the title of a 1952 headline of the local paper. 
A faded news paper article and a black and white picture of the house showing a police constable outside. Filled the screen.

With a click of the mouse he zoomed in on the article.
"Tragic sences were today made all to real as police gave our reporter Joanne Wilson a exclusive interview.
Leading detective James Whittle said upon entering the house belonging to the Morgan family. It was clear that Alistair Morgan 37 the husband of Jane 34 and father of Alice 4 had gone on a psychotic rampage throughout their home in the early hours of the morning."

Alex scrolled down and another picture came into view  of the Morgan family outside their house. They looked like a normal happy family. Proud of the home they were standing infront of. Alister Morgan looked tall and strong next to his wife whose arms were firmly wraped round her daughter and husband.
"The bodies of Jane and Alice were found in the kitchen of the house. Detective Whittle would not go into detail about the findings. Only telling us that body parts of the two females were missing. Also that strange symbols were found adorning the kitchen walls."

Starting to make notes Alex read more. The article explained that Alister was not found at the address and a man hunt would be in operation. As he researched more he found that there was not alot of news coverage at the time regarding this double murder. This was strange to say the least as this was a very gruesome crime.
Scanning through other websites that had information on the case. Alex found out that Alister Morgan was never captured by police and the case remains open to this day.

The following day was a bright Saturday morning. Jacobs sat at his desk reading the files sent to him by Alex the following night. 
Alex was a night owl surviving on next to no sleep, while the professor being twenty years his senior needed a full eight hours to even function. A meeting had been set up at the foreboding address at 11.00am. Collecting his kit bag from the sideboard of his small home office. He set off to the location.

The drive was traffic free, a blessing as the professor hated the rush of people nowadays. As he turned onto Pinewood Lane he saw Alex leaning on his corsa. Jacobs parked up behind him. Looking at the house through his window before getting out. 

Arms folded and leaning on his bonnet Alex directed a look towards the house. "What did you think of what i sent you then?". Looking at the shabby looking garden Professor Jacobs switched his attention to Alex.
" Well there wasnt much to read was there. We need to speak with Eve to get her take on whats going on..shes late!" He said checking his watch.

Alex was just about to reply when a small blue car made its way toward them. Parking on the opposite side of the road. Eve stepped out of the car. Approaching the pair.
" Hello ...im Eve" she said holding her hand out. Alex and the professor introduced themselves. Eve looked up the garden path towards the front foor. Jacobs sensed she was uneasy and didnt want to be there.
" Thank you both for coming. I just didnt know where else to turn." She said with a look of genuine terror.

Alex smiled and told her that they would do their best to get to the bottom of what was going on.
Following her up the path to the front door the two men felt the sunlight dim slightly. As Eve pushed the key in the door, she took a deep breath in and held it as they entered.

The first thing about the house that Alex noticed was the smell. It wasnt a bad or pungent smell necessarily. But there was a distinked smell of soil, of earth. Damp was on most of the walls as they made their way through the hall way into the living room.

"As you can see im still decorating" Eve said pointing out the ladders and covered sofa and units. She placed the keys on top of the coffee table. The only piece of furniture uncovered.
After making her two guests a drink they sat in the kitchen and began to talk.

"So Eve. Alex and I have been looking into your houses history. Were you aware of what happened her?" Jacobs asked. He handed her the file of photos he had printed of the house and the reports from the news paper.
"Really i had no idea about any of this" she said. Eve was always a very rational woman. But this situation was far from rational. She told them both the sleepless night she had endured. The feels of being watched and the figure in the house that made her skin crawl.

Alex listened intently, this wasnt like the normal bullshit he had heard before. Jacobs had told him from the start of there time together. That genuine cases of paranormal activity were few and far between.
He could tell the professor was intrigued by everything the young woman was saying.

" Eve you mentioned you found a book, do you have it ?" Said jacobs. Eve went into one of the kitchen cupboards and grasping an old leather bound book handed it to him.
" I dont know if this has anything to do with whats going on here! Do you think it could be connected? Eve asked. 
The professor looked through the first few pages of the book.
It seemed to be a mix of several languages. "can you read any of that?" Alex said looking bewildered at the text. " I recognize a few latin words, here this means 'reborn' ". Just as Jacobs was explaining the book Eve was staring at the glass in the door of the kitchen.
Her face drip white and her eyes bulging. She could see clearly a reflection of the figure that had made her life hell while in the house.
The figure was staring straight at her, a face she could now see more clearly than ever before. She couldnt speak. She could only look on, the eyes of the figure were black and soulless.
There was no expression to the face. Just a gaunt pale face. Then the narrow lips of the creature parted revealing black peg like teeth. A snarl now framed the face and it raised a pointed finger at the window.

A loud cracking sound filled the air and caused Jacibs and Alex to quickly divert their attention from the book to the kitchen door. Eves screem rang through the room as Alex turned back to her and hugged her.
"Its ok. Its ok..." Alex reassured her. She clung to him.

Jacobs stood up to examine the glass and surround area. " You see...you see what its been like for me. I feel like im going mad" she said. Jacobs gripped the book.

"Alex stay with Eve im going to look around." Walking back into the hall his shoe crunched on the broken glass. Slowly he made his way to the stairs. Looking at the top of the landing, there was an old fashioned white door.
Walking slowly up to the top he noticed three other doors. Two were shut the other slightly open. He thought back to the report of the horrific history of the house.

He had been to a few suspected haunted houses but none with this deep sense of darkness. Making his way to the first closed door he turned the handle and slowly made his way through. Upon first entering the room it looked every bit the bedroom of a young woman. 
The blinds were drawn nearly closed, the slats allowing some light in the room. It was neat and tidy apart from a couple of boxes still to be unpacked in the far corner.

Jacobs left the room and entered the next across the landing. The house wasnt big, it reminded him of the house he had grown up in. Not so far from here.
Placing his hand on the handle, turning it slowly he walked in to smaller box room. It looked like Eve had been using it as a storage room. 
There were more boxes and black bin liners. On top of one of the boxes were two pictures in frames.
The first was of Eve and a man. It looked like a holiday photo shot somewhere hot. They both looked happy.

The second photograph was of an older woman. Sitting in what looked like a beer garden of a pub. Jacobs assumed it was Eve's mother. He wondered more about the scared young womans past and what brought her to be living on her own here.
The sound of a door latch shutting on the landing grabbed his attention. Returning the photos onto of the box. Jacobs made his way back into the hall way. The temparature had taken a noticeable drop.
Making his way to the now closed door, he held his breath and reached for the handle. The room was dark, no windows. Flicking the light switch on the wall the professor felt a sense of foreboding when no light appeared.

The room was freezing. Not just cold due to Eve being there to turn on the heating for a few days but a different kind of cold.
His fingers felt icy. Trying to adjust to the light his eyes squinted at the lay out of the room.
In the corner was a large antique looking wardrobe. Through the dark he could make out intricate carvings on the dark wood.
Jacob's stepped closer to it. Placing his hand on the door. He felt the lumps and bumps gf the carvings, with his other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.
Shining the light from the screen onto the door. he could see the fine detailed art work.

Cherubs and devils adorned the wooden surface. the sense on the door depicted what looked like a man in a cave surrounded by the smaller figures. The professor stepped back to take in the whole image.
The door to the slammed shut! the noise rattled the room. Jacobs turned quickly back to face the wardrobe now the room was in pitch black apart from the light from his screen.
He shone the phone back to the carved door, the image had changed significantly to his amazement. Taking a step closer again the light showed the figures of the cherubs were now being killed by the once smaller, but now larger devils. Heads were decapatated from bodies. Limbs were stacked up in the sense. A very different and gruesome sight from seconds ago.

The wardrobe had key in the lock about half way down. The latch could be heard by Jacob's to be moving, he shone light on the key. It was starting to turn, first by a quartering a full half turn. He stepped back as the key continued to turn. as the key came to a stop the door started to open. but only by a fraction. This was insane! Jacobs quickly turned and rushed for the door to exist the room. twisting and turning the handle the door would not move.

It was like it was welded shut. making a fist he hit the door, looking back at the wardrobe door in the corner. "Alex!!" he shouted. the old carved door opening still. the creak from the wood making the processes panic even more.
Pulling on the handle harder and shouting louder "ALEX!!!...."

He could hear the thundering footsteps of Eve and Alex coming up the stairs " Professor! where are you" Alex shouted searching the open rooms. The professor smashed his fists again on the door.
"Im in here open the door!!" the fear in his voice echoed the room he was in. Alex twisted the handle of the door. Eve looked on in fear. "SMASH IT DOWN!" Eve said pushing on the door.
Alex moved Eve to one side as he then raised up his foot and kicked at the middle panel of the door. Again he hit the door, with more force this time. After the forth hit the door swung open, taking some of the shattered frame with it.
Jacobs was out cold and slumped against the wall. Alex grabbed his shoulders and dragged him out into the hallway. Eve helped him drag Jacobs to the bathroom. "Professor wake up!"  Eve felt his cheek wither hand, he was cold. His eyes opened and for a brief second he thought he was still trapped in the room. He grabbed at her sweater and then grabbed at Alex.

"WOW ..WOAH easy...relax!" Alex said helping to restrain the professor. The pale look on Jacob's face was the very first time Alex had seen the normally clam and collected professor look like this.

Back down stairs Eve handed Jacobs a glass of water. "What ever is in this house is very real." said the professor. Eve finaily had the recognition she needed that she wasn't going mad. "What the hell happened in there?" Alex asked as he leaned on the wall of the kitchen.
"there was something in that wardrobe!" Jacobs answered. "The room was pitch black and i dropped my phone..then all i remember is you dragging me out".

Alex looked at Eve. "We need to form a plan because ive never experienced anythibg like that." He said.
Eve agreed, the three of them left the house. Outside at the front gate Jacobs looked at the house. Unsure of what was going on there he was determined to find out.

Eve slamed the boot of her car shut as she handed Alex the book she had found in the wardrobe days before.
"Ill get Denton to take a look at it and get us some information on it". Alex said. The professor agreed to call Eve back later that day.

Alex waited outside the house of Sally Denton. Still sat in his car with the book wrapped in a piece of old cloth. Placed on the middle of the dash board.
The radio in the car was playing the Doors hit 'People are strange, when your a stranger'. The unmistakable melody and words rang out. As Alex waited for Denton.

The station seemed to lose the signal, white noise blured out some of the words. He adjusted the tuning knob. Loud buzzing echoed from the cheap speakers.
Not being able to stand the horrid noise anymore Alex turned off the radio.
For a few seconds he sat in silence...

"FACES COME OUT OF THE RAIN...WHEN YOUR STRANGE...WHEN YOUR STRANGE...YEEAAHH" Full blast the Doors rang out from the speakers again. The Radio was off! He had just turned it off!
Reaching again for the off switch he attempted to extinguish the power again. But with no luck.

"What the fuck..." He said to himself. Frantically trying to stop the deafening music he leaned forward.
Three sharp loud taps hit the window. Forcing he to turn fast and jump out of his skin seeing Denton's face bending towards the glass.

His final attempt to turn off the radio eventually work. He grabbed the material clad book from the dash and pushed the button for the window.
Denton laughed as she saw the scare she had given her friend. "Sorry Alex didnt mean to shit you up " she said.
With a straight but relieved face Alex responded "Its been a fucking strange day." He handed her the book and continued to speak.
"The prof wants as much detail you can get on this thing by tonight". Denton tucked the book under her arm and told Alex she would get right on it.


----------



## Chrispt316 (Aug 23, 2017)

Part two

That night Denton's kitchen table was buried in a sea of paper work and historical books. Information finding was a gift that she had perfected working in the arcive of the university library. That was where she first came into contact with professor Jacobs.

She had come to the conclusion that the red leather bound book was a mix of old text. The origin of the text was Anglo-Saxon. Some parts were unreadable due to the state of the book.
But newer pages had been added. Far more recently, in up to date English.

She had managed to translate the first few pages of the book. Which seemed very benign, talking about how to read the stars and the patterns they make in the sky at night.
As she read more the book started to come across the name Beleth. Going through the pages of the book further Beleth was given more and more prominence.

Denton worked through the night. Gathering as much as she could on the book.

Monday morning came around again. Eve had not been back to the house since the professor and Alex had been there with her.
She sat outside in her car, wondering why her life was full of bad luck.
This last year had been one thing after another. Her family were always supportive but since her split with Andy she felt lie somewhat of a failure.

Meanwhile in the library of the university Jacobs and Alex sat at a table. Waiting for Denton to show up.
"So could this be the real thing ? Is this what you have been looking for ?" Alex said sitting across from the Professor. 
"My whole life ive studied what makes people say and do the things they do. I feel i have a good understand of the little nuances when people lie or make things up." Said the prof. Sitting up in his seat he continued " As soon as i met Eve I knew she believed everything she said".

Jacobs started to roll up his right sleeve. Alex leaned forward, looking at the prof's forearm. 
There was a clear as day hand shaped bruise on the professors arm.
"Holy shit. Was that from the house?" Alex said examining the nearly black marks.

" I didn't even notice it until i got home. Id blacked out in that room. But there was something in there with me Alex. It was there to do me harm." Jacobs said rolling down his sleeve.
Alex looked up as Denton came around the corner, she had a cluster of paperwork with her and the book from the house.

Placing the book on the table. She gave both men a look of nervousness. Stayong stood up she gave professor Jacobs a sheet of paper.
"So..." She paused handing Alex a folder. " I did a lot of digging around about the house and tried to find out as much as i could about the book"
Again looking nervous she explained again that the murders in the house were still technically unsolved. While Alister Morgan was still at large.
She had tried to contact the local police about the case but no one was willing to talk to her about it.

What she had found out was the Alister Morgan was a miner in the town. He had been found on more than one occasion down the mine talking to himself.
His co workers had reported his strange behavior and as a result he was given time off work.

Then what Denton had found in the mysterious was even more odd.
Alister had writen a sort of diary in the book where he explained he had found the book in the mine while looking for new coal seems.

Documenting his research into the book and the details of the star charts within it. Alister had become obsessed.
He wrote that his wife and children had been practicing black magic while he worked and the only way to flush out the demons within them was to "bleed them out".

Alex looked through the pictures and stopped at a drawing of a demon figure by the name Beleth. It dipicated a creature with curled short horns and the face of a cat and the body of a human male.
"Who the hell is this character?" He said. Denton looked at them both. "Thats the demon Alister Morgan thought controlled his family, he thought they were ploting against him." She said.

The professor looked at the paper she had given him. " it says here that Beleth was a king in hell and was always found where suffering and pain woukd be." Jacobs looked up at his colleagues. "If Alister Morgan was suffering from undiagnosed mental health issues this would explain why this thing would show up".
Alex shook his head " wait wait...hold on" he said puting the drawings on the table. " Im the first to admit that this shit is strange, that its far more than the cranks we normal deal with. But demons...come on...". 

"Alex all i know is we have been asked for help by a very desperate woman. Its our duty to look at all possibilities." Jacobs replied. Denton nodded her approval. 
" So are we actually saying that the house is possessed by this Beleth thing??" Alex said. The research Denton had found was compelling and gave logical reason to the evil presence in the house.
"Im saying that we need to get back to that house and find out whats in there". Denton agreed with the professor. 

Study had taken a real back seat for both Alex and Denton over the past few days due to this case. Even Pof Jacobs mind wasn't on his main work.
Jacobs always considered this line of work as a hobby and something of a novelty. But this was different.
Eve Morrison was a young woman and needed their help.

After a full day at work Eve felt fed up. Sitting on the bed in her friends spare room. She looked at the paperwork for the house.
She had never spoken the the actual owner of the house before or after buying it. The estate agents had done everything.

But she did find a contact number in the old deeds of the house. A father Locke.
It was worth a try. She unplugged her phone and dialled in the number. 
"Father Locke..." A voice said. The voice was gruff and sounded like he had an Irish accent.
"Hello Father. Im sorry to call at this time but im wondering if you can help me? My name is Eve Morrison and...". Before she could finish her sentence the old man spoke over her " Your calling about the house arnt you!?"

Eve didn't know what to say. "Well.. yes i am" she waited fir him to speak. " Eve my girl im sorry, i hoped that it would just go away but it seems nothing ever truly goes away" he said.
Eve felt like he knew something, she heard a tone of guilt in his voice. "Father ive had to leave my house. There is something in my home. Im scared to go back."
She could not keep the emotion from her voice.

Father Locke sat in his chair by a roaring fire. Watching the flames dance. Remembering feeling the same fear.
" This is my fault Eve and im going to put dis right."

He hung up the phone and continued to watch the fire make patterns. This was a chance to put right a sin he had committed.


----------



## bdcharles (Aug 24, 2017)

Hi,

Well done on getting this far. Think of this as an early draft (if you intend to take writing further). Early drafts, first drafts etc are always necessary. Of course they are. If they weren't, how would you get the the second, third, fourth, final manuscript and so on? Now, as you say, the grammar and spelling need alot of work, so I am not going to focus on that. Instead I just want to point out a couple of tricks you can use to tweak your writing:

*Formatting*
Self-explanatory really. Line breaks particularly can help a piece become much more readable. This is quite choppy and bitty.

*Show and tell*
This is where you, the writer, explain to a reader what is happening:
"She was a very average looking young woman. A plain Jane in every sense of the word."
"after what seems like a million rings a voice answers."
"Eve was always a very rational woman."

These may be true but instead of telling us, make it happen. If eve is so rational, then have her act rationally or do some throwaway task to illustrate this. Have her order her cupboard or something. Same woth her looks. Rather than enumerate her appearance, have her act in a way that showcases it. Have her look in the mirror and wish for better hair than the lank locks she has. Make it happen.

*Infodumps*
This is where you tell us about something that is not necessarily pertinent to the characters' present other than as a bit of history:



> That afternoon Alex makes the phone call to Eve. Walking to his car, after what seems like a million rings a voice answers.
> "Hello.." Swaping ears and adjusting the mountain of files under his  arm, he responds "Hi is that Eve?". Eve sat at her desk. "Yes who is  this?" She was always suspicious of numbers she didnt know. Since her  crazy ex got all of his friends to call her at all hours of the night  after their break up. She was always on her guard.



All this about Eve's exes may be true but do we need to know it now? More to the point, how do we know it? I'll come onto that in point of view (POV) but as it is now, it is a history lesson being injected into the present. Can you imagine if you were going about your day, posting this writeup for example, and all over the place, little popups jumped up and explained everything. You lay your hand on the mouse and - _alikazam! _- you are informed that it is a Logitech v100, directly derived from Douglas Engelbart's original design; cheap, though decent enough. Do you care? You just want to get to the business of writing. Yes, that information is true, but is it relevant. If you want to worldbuild, do it interactively, in line with the goings on. "You lay your hand on the smooth, Logitech-cheap lines of the mouse - they'd tried to resurrect Engelbert but failed - and click _Destroy_."

*POV*
This is about who we are in your story. Whose tale is this? Jacobs? Eve? Present things as these people would see it (to a degree; there can be some flexibility here but it's good to know this trick) so we can identify with them and care about them as we would a real person.

*Passive voice*
Eg: "The latch could be heard by Jacob's to be moving"
-> instead, try enagaging readers' senses. "Jacobs stopped, and cupped an ear. _Click-clack, clunk_ - the sound of a latch being unfastened."

OK, hope this helps. Good luck with it all


----------



## Chrispt316 (Aug 24, 2017)

Thats great thank you ill have a look at the points you made


----------



## Jack of all trades (Aug 24, 2017)

Question. Did Eve plug in her phone to call Father Locke? Right now it says she unplugged her phone. 

Run this through a spell checker to catch some of the spelling and grammar mistakes. Open Office has a free word processor with a spell checker. It might not be as comprehensive as Microsoft Word, but it's free and will get you started.

You have a nice style of writing, and the possessed house is interesting. I think this deserves more work.

Here's some formatting info to keep in mind.

For online, there should be a blank line between each paragraph for improved readability. 

For a book, there's only a blank line when there's a change of location or a gap in time.

Every new speaker needs a new paragraph. 

Hope this helps.


----------



## Chrispt316 (Aug 24, 2017)

Thank you...all the feed back will help me get it right.


----------



## Chrispt316 (Aug 24, 2017)

Hi...

Yes her mobile phone was plugged in. I struggle a little bit with what to include in terms of normality.


----------



## Jay Greenstein (Aug 25, 2017)

First: Didn't you take the time to spell check this? In the first six paragraphs, alone, there are eleven spelling and grammar mistakes. Have you not heard of an apostrophe? They're not optional. And an ellipsis is not a substitute for a comma—nor is it two periods. A quotation mark goes next to the first character of a sentence, without a white space.

You want the reader to see your words to best advantage, and focus on the story. So you ned to take the time to polish the words till they shine, and represent your "A" game _before_ you post. Anything else is a disservice to those you ask to read and evaluate the problems. The very last thing someone who has taken the time to read and comment is to hear, "I know about that, and I'll fix it in editing," because they wasted time they could have given to help someone else. But that aside, punctuation and grammar are two of the tools you must have, because with them you, and the reader, are using the same set of rules, making communication between you and that reader work properly.

As for the story, you have no viewpoint. and the telling is disjointed:





> Eve placed the camera on the kitchen table, sitting herself directly in front of the lens. She paused.


In this, you, the narrator is talking _about_ Eve, as if they are in the room with her. You also have her pause just after placing a camera on a table. Why? What does it contribute? It places her _at_ the table, yes, but she doesn't turn it on. Yet in the next paragraph, you open with :





> I dont know where to start?.." She said looking straight at the red dot.


 Here, she's both turned the camera on and moved back. So why did you have her pause. What does it do for the plot, the scene, or the situation that matters?

The answer is nothing, and instead of Eve doing it, a dispassionate external voice lists the happenings, instead of having her do it in real-time.

Not only that, the dialog, which is a statement, ends with both a question mark and part of an ellipsis. Disregarding the fact that you use one and only one punctuation mark to end a sentence, and that the ellipsis is a discrete character (or three periods), Why the question mark? The woman isn't asking the reader or those viewing the video anything and it's not a question. She may be unsure, but a question mark does not show uncertainty.

But suppose you'd said:

Eve placed the camera on the kitchen table, activated it, and settled into the chair to say, "I don't know where to start." The original used twenty-five words, and presented a disjointed message. Something like this takes fewer words and places things into the sequence in which Eve lived the events. That matters a great deal to the flow of the story as the reader sees it.

I know something like this is the last thing you were hoping to see, given how hard you've worked on this. But the problem isn't one of talent or the story. It's that to move the story that lives in your head into the reader's, and have it as meaningful to the reader as it is to you, you need the necessary tools. That means the basics of grammar, spelling, and the nuts-and-bolts issues of scene story construction. Without that, there can be no assured communication of ideas. Remember, any intent you may have for a given paragraph doesn't make it to the page. You begin reading already knowing the story, but the reader is not only missing that, they hear no emotion in the voice of the narrator that the punctuation and word meanings don't suggest—based on _their_ background.

So possessing the proper tool-set isn't just important, it's vital.

The good news is that what I'm talking about is the learned part of our profession, so the problem is simple to fix: Dig into the tricks of the trade. After all, if the reader is to find your words as interesting as those of the pros they read every day, doesn't it make sense that we need to know what they know?

Hang in there, and keep on writing.


----------



## Jack of all trades (Aug 26, 2017)

I disagree with with some of what Jay has said. You don't need to polish your words until they shine. Just respect those giving feedback enough that you try to get rid of typos, etc before posting.

I also disagree with his suggestion that you remove the pause. I think it works well. Sometimes we stop to ask ourselves one more time if the step we are about to take is a good idea. It's natural, and that's why it works. 


Here's a nuts and bolts critique of the opening. My comments are inside parens.

Eve placed the camera on the kitchen table (What kind of camera? Is it on a tripod? If it's just a camera, it would be recording her chest. I pictured a laptop, which took care of the problem, but might not be what you had in mind.), sitting herself directly in front of the lens. She paused. " I dont know where to start?..(I gather you want to show hesitancy on her part, but weren't sure how.)" (lower case "s")She said(comma) looking straight at the red dot(When did she turn it on?). Recording this was going to make the last few days real. Something she wished it wasn't.(Starting with "And" might be better. But this sentence is a little weak.)

The last two sentences seem to be trying to build suspense. Can that be done in a better way? Maybe mention that she didn't want to think about what had happened, much less talk about it. Or discuss her warring emotions : fear of the happenings vs fear that she will be told that she's imagining things.


Question : Do you copy what you've written on your computer and paste it here? That's my assumption, but I realize that might be an incorrect assumption.

Keep in mind that this section is available to guests and counts as published.


----------



## Chrispt316 (Aug 26, 2017)

Hi ...thanks to you both i honestly appreciate all feed back.
Im writing this on my phone actually lol. So my spell check and stuff is limited. 
Im dyslexic to and stuggle a bit with grammer.

Ill defiantly look at all the points and try to sort them.


----------

