# A Thousand Angels Screaming



## Firemajic (Jul 1, 2011)

I stood there at that place
on Highway 67,
touched  twisted metal,
shattered glass,trampled grass,
blood splattered on wild roses 
and heard a thousand Angels screaming.

Casket smooth polished wood,
lights soft and dim,
drifts of dying flowers,
soothing words of comfort lost
in the sound of a thousand Angels screaming.

Head bowed, hands clasped 
in desperate supplication ,
gazing at your  narrow grave
an abyss I can not cross,
"Amazing Grace" sang the choir
but above it all, 
the angels kept on screaming...


.


----------



## Chiefspider (Jul 1, 2011)

vary well done! I love your images - stanza2 was brilliant! keep up the good work.


----------



## Squalid Glass (Jul 1, 2011)

This has the potential to be something great, but I think it still needs some work.

For starters, and this just may be me, but "a thousand angels screaming" does not strike me as a powerful title or recurring line. I don't know why, but it feels almost cliche and a little over dramatic. I think maybe if it was toned down to something more personal, it would fit the theme of the poem better. Thoughts:



Firemajic said:


> I stood there at that place *This line needs some tweaking. Either leave it as "I stood/on Highway..." or take out "there"*
> on Highway 67... *Elipses are not the proper punctuation here. I think you need to put the next few lines in parenthesis.*
> *(*touched  twisted metal *Need a comma after "touched"*
> shattered glass,trampled grass, *Nice line*
> ...


----------



## moonrise (Jul 2, 2011)

*Great*

I think this is a terrific poem. Great work. 'A thousand angels screaming' does it for me as captivating. One is drawn to know why angels, mostly good in nature should be screaming. It draws a sense of grim. Then you get to the piece itself and realize the dilemma of a lone person pondering over a sad event. Twisted metal, shattered glass, trampled grass, blood splattered and wild roses tells of the catastrophe. You begin to realize why the angels must wail. 

Then comes the casket, wood, soft light; These vividly brings the demise to fore. For a thousand angels to register lament over one soul portrays import of the departed. Dying flowers and dim drifts don't actually catch me but they are not out of place. 

At the end both mortal and immortal register loss as choir sang Amazing Grace while the angels continue their wail. Gazing at your narrow grave, an abyss I cannot cross. Don't u think a comma will do between grave and an as I have placed it? This line is super. I would have love to read on. A little longer maybe, forgive my hunger.



.


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 2, 2011)

Chiefspider--Thank you for reading and for your wonderful compliment!
Squalid Glass--I have corrected some of the punctuation problems you so kindly suggested,Thank you. I will absolutely consider all of the changes you suggested--you have some very valid and well thought out points. This is the first poem that I have ever written that I did not use rhyming words--so I am way out of my comfort zone here.This was written about the wreck that killed my beautiful Mother after she left my house..And I remember that when people would talk to me--it sounded like everyone was screaming...Thank you for your wonderful critique--I am always striving to improve.  Peace--Jul


----------



## candid petunia (Jul 2, 2011)

I'd read this yesterday, I was somehow very strongly attracted to it, made my heart ache, but couldn't understand it completely. Now that I know the story behind it--the way you put it is really beautiful. Love the title. As moonrise said, it's heartbreaking to know the angels, who are normally serene, are screaming so loud, and one wants to know what made them do this. Really nice work. Keep posting.


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 2, 2011)

Moonrise--I am thrilled that you understood why the Angels Must scream...I felt that the Heavens must be grieving and horrified at the terrible tragedy that had taken place on that highway.Maybe one day they will stop screaming...Thank you so much for reading. There is a last stanza that I left off-I will think about putting it back. Peace--Jul


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 2, 2011)

Candid Petunia--I am honored that you read and understood. There are many reasons why the Angels screamed--But the most tragic reason is that they screamed for me--I was unable to scream --I was struck speechless for a long time--Unable to make a sound-inside my soul--I was screaming, so the Angels screamed for me...Thanks again ---Peace--Jul


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Jul 7, 2011)

I know from whence this came, and I love it. Thanks so much, dearest Jul, S2 and S3 put emotions I don't dare touch on the table. A brilliant write, period.


----------



## J.R. MacLean (Jul 8, 2011)

hey jul,

I thought this was really lovely, in form and depth of feeling. I am sorry for your loss. These things should not happen, but they do. A couple of minor suggestions for you to consider:





Firemajic said:


> I stood there at that place
> on Highway 67,
> touched  twisted metal,
> shattered glass,trampled grass,
> ...


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 9, 2011)

Lisa-I knew you would get it...Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to comment Peace...Jul

J.R.MacLean--Thank you for your insightful critique--I am going to take your advice in the first stanza and delete the words you suggested ..It sounds much better that way.  Thank you also for your kind words. The Angels have been screaming for soooo long now...   Peace...Jul


----------



## jeffrey c mcmahan (Jul 11, 2011)

Wonderful introduction to an environment and persona in the first stanza. The imagery seemed focused and progressed fluently.The refrain lines provide a strong rhythm for the piece. I'd read this poem again.


----------



## toddm (Jul 11, 2011)

Hey Jul, I recall the backstory from a while back and thought you did a really lovely job here - nice juxtaposition of images here, with the refrain returning - I thought if it had been "a thousand angels weeping", I may have joined in with Squalid about cliche and overdramatic, but screaming adds a twist, another layer - angels generally either sing or weep, at least as far as their typical representations - angels screaming become something akin to _banshees _of Irish folk legend, who appear wailing when someone is about to die - very fitting here
nice work!
---todd


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2011)

jeffrey c--thank you for reading and replying --I am thrilled that you used the word "fluently" ...This is the very essence of what I was trying to create---a fluent telling of an event. Thanks again.   Peace...Jul

Todd---You know I was longing for your critique...I love that you wrote of Banshees ...I was so intrigued with that thought that I reread my poem with different eyes--thinking of the wailing banshees. I would love to see you turn your considerable talent loose on that subject--What an amazing read that would be...Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply.   Peace...Jul


----------



## Phyllis (Sep 30, 2011)

Jul, what a powerful poem.  The "thousand angels screaming" truly shows the horror of this tragedy.   That one line says it all, and says it so much better than a book of essays could.


----------



## Firemajic (Sep 30, 2011)

Phyllis--Thank you ! This was difficult to write.  It is hard for me to write with out rhyming ...Oh--BTW---your style of writing reminds me of the kind of poetry that I grew up with[my Grandmother read poetry to me from an old --old book]and fell in love with. Thanks again for your kind comments.   Peace...Jul


----------



## SilverMoon (Sep 30, 2011)

Jul, you’ve thought outside of the box with your title. “A Thousand Angles Screaming” You’ve presented the “unlikely” to make a very salient point and I think this is sheer brilliance.



> I stood there at that place
> on Highway 67,
> touched twisted metal,
> shattered glass, trampled grass,
> ...



The specific of “Highway 67” gave me a place to be there with you. Such a good move. And your imagery! I could “hear” the accident. And you lent me your eyes with the following:



> “Blood splattered on wild roses”



Your contrasting here is heartbreaking. You used a very effective literary device.



> “gazing at your narrow grave”



This is the heart of the poem.

I gave great, long thought as to if I should touch on this. But I think what I’m about to share might help you safely identify who “your” is. 

Having discovered my mother dead at the age of six, I know just how easy it is to keep safe and away. With a profound understanding, I feel you have done this here. If not for reading the reviews I would have never known “your”. Maybe, best friend, husband, child?

I’ve written two poems about my mother, finally, being able to identify her and express my feelings concerning her, creatively in a safe way for me.

How did this come to be? I was in a therapy session (OK everyone! Are you surprised?) and my doctor was trying to get me to express my feelings upon finding my mother. Wasn’t happening. No way! Then I said to him after awhile “I think I can do it if I pretend that this happened to a little girl next door”. It worked. I expressed.

I apply this approach when writing about something extremely painful. A form of dissociation, being present but from afar if this makes any sense.

Now, let’s talk about Freud. Only kidding!

Back to your technique. It is rare that a poem engages my senses in such a powerful way. Jul, you had me with you. And so much so that I wish I could have been.

With my respect for your writing, along with my love and understanding for your loss. Laurie
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　






.


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 1, 2011)

I can not believe that I missed that glaring problem---I was so caught up in the personal emotion of this poem--That I totally forgot, that the reader would not know WHO I was speaking about...And I need them to know...Any Ideas about HOW to add the word "Mom"--or something to connect the reader to the identity ? I need to fix this! Thank you for pointing this out. Back to the drawing board...Peace...Jul


----------



## Phyllis (Oct 1, 2011)

How about here?

but above it all, Mom,
the angels kept on screaming...


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 1, 2011)

Dear Laurie--Thank you so much, for pointing out the obvious---I was too emotionally invested in this poem to see what I was NOT saying. Thank you for giving this poem such careful attention, and your kind words of comfort are so appreciated . Thanks again my friend.  Peace to you, Jul


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 1, 2011)

Phyllis--Many thanks to you,I will use your suggestion, if I may, That fit perfectly...Now this poem really is finished...Peace...Jul


----------



## wacker (Oct 2, 2011)

Hello Firemajic,

It's been a while since I last posted on the forum.  This poem is very nicely put together, especially the last stanza... especially the very last two lines. The imagery of those Angels screaming over the noise of a choir was really well thought out.  Thank you for such a lovely poem.

All the best,

Wacker


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 2, 2011)

Dear Wacker..I have a feeling that you connected to this poem for a reason,I have read your poem "Farewell dear Brother"..and would have commented on it--but was afraid it would cause you pain, to see that poem again.... thank you for reading and leaving such kind comments--they are appreciated....Peace...Jul


----------



## Ouroboros-A (Oct 2, 2011)

HMMM!!! this is a good one


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 3, 2011)

Ouroboros-A--thank you so much for reading and replying, your kind comment is appreciated.     Peace...Jul


----------



## Nacian (Oct 4, 2011)

simply beautifu Firemajic..


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 4, 2011)

Nacian--Thank you so much,peace...Jul


----------



## Lorlie (Oct 8, 2011)

Hi there,. 

This is a touching piece, I think everything the reader needs is included. It should not say that this was your mother, I accept that this was a real and actual event, but as a piece of poetry, it should not tell us everything, it should suggest and we should find our own conclusions based on what each individual wants to take from the poem.
Poetry, and words grouped on a page are, and should be totally subjective.
The sorrow is in the fact that for a long time you could not speak of the horror of what you faced, and for that my heart goes out to you, however it should not touch, what I feel is a beautiful piece of writing. Allow both to be separate, they will not be the less for it.
Thank you for posting.


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 9, 2011)

Lorlie--thank you for reading and replying, You have given me the missing piece to my puzzle--I think you are right....I am going to take out the word "Mom".
I have to learn, that less, really is more.  Thank you. Peace...Jul


----------



## feralpen (Oct 9, 2011)

Seventeen years in fire and rescue. I have heard the angels scream too many times. NO write has exemplified the phenomena as you have. 

fp


----------



## basejumper400 (Oct 9, 2011)

Sent chills down my spine; that really is how they sound.


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 9, 2011)

Dear Feralpen--thanks for your kind comments. I am surprised ,that you have heard the angels scream---and can still write such delightful, witty poetry.
basejumper400- thanks so much for reading and replying, I appreciate it.  Peace. Jul


----------



## feralpen (Oct 10, 2011)

Sometimes writing is escape for me.


----------



## S.M. grimbldoo (Oct 10, 2011)

The angels screaming makes them seem evil.


----------



## Lace (Oct 10, 2011)

Firemajic,

Anyone who has experienced the shock of bereavement will realize that you have captured the feelings of the mourner brilliantly. The landscape is infected with death, as "trampled grass", "blood splattered on wild roses", and "drifts of dying flowers" evince, and death enters the brain, but the _fact_ of death remains unfathomable ("gazing at your narrow grave / an abyss I can not cross"). As a tiny side note, cannot is one word. You, the poet, write of "soothing words of comfort lost", of the search for religious consolation as indicated by the use of words such as "supplication", "choir", "Amazing Grace", and, most notably, "angels"; yet, the angels are screaming. This refrain you've composed is very striking. You've paired "angels", to whom we ascribe qualities such as purity and kindliness, with "screaming" which is an intensely physical and primal action. It is precisely this discord that challenges the grip on the surface of the earth, the grip on sanity. You've penned a remarkable poem, a poem depicting a horror that is vicariously experienced by readers-- certainly by this reader. Thank you for sharing. Be well.


----------



## Bachelorette (Oct 11, 2011)

Hey Jul-

I really thought I had responded to this way back when you first posted it, and I'm appalled at myself that I didn't. Just wanted to echo everyone else's sentiments. This is a truly beautiful piece of writing. I am sorry for your loss, of course, and I'm sure you would rather have your loved one back than have written a fantastic poem about her, but hopefully writing this did help a little. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your writing. Be well~


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 11, 2011)

S.M.g--thanks for reading--The Angels were not evil--rather, they were screaming in sympathetic misery.

Lace--I will treasure your comments on this poem, you "got" every nuance of grief and pain, and when you used the word "primal"---that is what my grief is--primal, as ancient and ageless as love it's self. Thank you for understanding.

Bachelorette --Thank you for your kind thoughts and remarks, they are appreciated, and valued,  Peace...Jul


----------



## S.M. grimbldoo (Oct 11, 2011)

Firemajic said:


> S.M.g--thanks for reading--The Angels were not evil--rather, they were screaming in sympathetic misery.


I fully understand your meaning. In my head though, I keep on imagining dark angels just screaming, wide eyes, gaping mouths with sharp teeth, and in an intimidating pose. I guess kinda like the stone angels in Doctor Who


----------



## Bachelorette (Oct 11, 2011)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> In my head though, I keep on imagining dark angels just screaming, wide eyes, gaping mouths with sharp teeth, and in an intimidating pose. I guess kinda like the stone angels in Doctor Who



HAHAHA! That's so funny! I had the exact same mental image. The Weeping Angels from Doctor Who--creepy as hell, to be sure. Of course, Jul's angels aren't evil, but still. The _look_ of the Weeping Angels really does fit the tone of the poem, even if the characterization of them does not.


----------



## S.M. grimbldoo (Oct 11, 2011)

I'm glad I was not alone.


----------

