# Norebar - Foreword



## Moonbeast32 (Jul 6, 2017)

_A draft from a novel I've been developing for several months now._

In attempt to fulfill the wishes of the late King Seraph Luceen of IV, I, Cambrae of the Windfall Vassal Monks will hereby write and seal a chronicle of the events of greatest import that transpired in the third and subsequent eras. Assisting me are 12 fellow colleagues from my choosing to serve as curators, that this record may promote true faith across Nore’s kingdom, and not dread ignorance. The identity of all other persons involved will be provided hereafter in auxiliary records by commission.


Foreword​
     Concerning the events that will hereafter be detailed, it must be acknowledged that we have King Luceen himself to thank for their veracity and detail; for it was in the fifth era that he did allow himself to be briefed in the most thorough of ways, and suffered that a transcription to be written. This transcription, being many tomes in length, we must acknowledge, is the primary source from which we make this, our chronicle.

     This briefing was begun in Capitol Sersteen, and by request of the king, conducted in the tower of ancestry in the window chamber, so that he may have the pleasure of looking out over the city and surrounding wildernesses as he divulged his long and laborious tale. Scholars today estimate the entire briefing to have spanned over the course of seven days, with recesses from every dusk to dawn. Those permitted to attend the briefing consisted only of 28 scribes tasked with the transcription, the governor of Sersteen and 4 of his commissioned councilors, and Steward Navelle (NWN) to aid King Luceen in the briefing.

     The majority of the briefing was composed of questions from the governing party and answers from either Luceen or Navelle (NWN). The resulting transcription, therefore, proved to be very dense, and difficult to comprehend to all the untrained or ignorant. The events and people Luceen described were often not given in the order of their happening. There were also many digressions taken by Luceen to explain in depth their context.

     We, who live in fear of the widespread disease of ignorance saw danger of these events passing from the memory of this generation. For this purpose is this chronicle composed. We give not the word-for-word transcription, but an abridgement. We arrange events and people in the estimated order of their transpiration. We write this record in language that may be read and understood by a much larger margin of people in comparison to the previous records and abridgements available. Finally, it must be noted that we write this abridged record under the fictional pretense that it was spoken by King Luceen himself. We advise readers to understand that we give not a word-for-word transcription of Luceen’s words, but have constructed our record after this manner for the reader’s convenience.


We will now begin our record. In the name of respect of our deceased King Seraph Luceen of IV, and in the name of glory for the eventual conquest for which we shall be servants, so it shall be.​_
This will be my first ever submission. For a long time I have been developing a world and a story, but never until now had I ever posted any drafts for anyone to read. Please be open with your comments. I want to learn how to do it right. Thank you.
_


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## Jay Greenstein (Jul 6, 2017)

My view? Dump it. It's someone we don't know, in a voice we can't hear, telling us that we will be reading a story—something we already know. So what does it do, other than delay the arrival of the actual story?

Problem is, that the reader is with you for one reason: to be entertained. But here, we're being lectured by a talking head. And talking heads are the kiss of death. Why? Look at what David Mamet had to say about them in his letter to the staff of his program. It's advice on something that all too often acts as a story killer for hopeful writers, and becomes relevant every time the story stops happening so the narrator can stand on stage and provide an info-dump of information the reader has not been made to want.


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## kaminoshiyo (Jul 7, 2017)

I actually thought this was pretty good as an introduction. It _is_ telling me something. It shows me parts of the world you have made and the relations in that world. It shows me the type of structure and organization and gives me a feel of how you approached this type of fiction- your style. 

The detail in it is the most appealing since I get the impression that this is a world that has been thought out and that this introduction is not just a standalone attempt to build interest in an ill-conceived idea. I'm already interested in it- you pretty much had me with the first paragraph. Most introductions like this do well, though. Hope you got something good to back it up 

Looking forward to it.


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## Guy Faukes (Jul 8, 2017)

I disagree with Jay; keep it. If done right, it can be a strong way of introducing and presenting the world and I've read a few pieces with a similar sort of archival perspective. It requires crisp prose to keep the reader involved and be careful not to info dump. Still, it can be a viable voice. Try to make it more personable. Even with scholars writing factually about the events, they can describe themselves, the circumstances they find themselves in as they archive the world as well.


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## Jessica Stemmer (Jul 10, 2017)

I thought this was pretty interesting, though there were what I thought were a few run-on sentences. The voice of the scholar came off as a bit _too_ harsh though--academic people can still speak like people, after all. Maybe lighten it a bit and drop some of the unnecessary words and phrases (also watch your commas). Other than those few nitpicks I really enjoyed this and hope to see more from you!


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## Sebald (Jul 10, 2017)

It shouldn't work, but I kind of like it.


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## Moonbeast32 (Jul 11, 2017)

I would like to thank everyone who has replied so far. here are some things I've learned:

I am naturally inclined to use prepositional phrases. Not a bad habit, but I realize that I should probably use them more sparingly.

I shouldn't write the whole book in this scholarly sort of style. I'll probably limit it to explanatory notes and footnotes at the end of chapters.

Thanks again.


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## Sebald (Jul 11, 2017)

Personally. I liked your opening because of the monks, the word choices you're making (they all 'ring true') and something more intangible; a feeling that you have a certain seriousness (for your subject). 

I'd be interested to know what kind of dialogue you're considering?


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## bdcharles (Jul 13, 2017)

First let me say you have skills! Your writing is rich and voicey with no obvious errors or technical problems.

The issue with this text is that it is potentially quite dry reading. Is this fantasy? If so, such writing can work but just be mindful not to overdo it and forget your narrative or the fact that you are looking to entertain or interest your reader. If I were you, and I have done similar things in my writing when I've been dead set on including such writing, think about having it alongside narrative, so you don't stop the flow of the story. For example:


~ * ~​
Cambrae reached for his battered quill and turned the knob of the brass lantern, broadening it's hissy orange glow into the study. Black ink beaded at the quill's tip as he wrote.


"Concerning the events that will hereafter be detailed, it must be  acknowledged that we have King Luceen himself to thank for their  veracity and detail; for it was in the fifth era that he did allow  himself to be briefed in the most thorough of ways, and suffered that a  transcription to be written. This transcription, being many tomes in  length, we must acknowledge, is the primary source from which we make  this, our chronicle."


His heart warmed at the thought of King Luceen - his old friend, though their acquaintanceship had not been without its adversarial moments. On the bookshelves, shadows leapt among leather volumes on witchcraft other arcana like harried ghosts as Cambrae's quill scratched on.


"This briefing was begun in Capitol Sersteen, and by request of the  king, conducted in the tower of ancestry* [<- EDIT: capitalise the T and A]i*n the window chamber, so that  he may have the pleasure of looking out over the city and surrounding  wildernesses as he divulged his long and laborious tale. Scholars today  estimate the entire briefing to have spanned over the course of seven  days, with recesses from every dusk to dawn. Those permitted to attend  the briefing consisted only of 28 scribes tasked with the transcription,  the governor of Sersteen and 4 of his commissioned councilors, and  Steward Navelle (NWN) to aid King Luceen in the briefing."


Navelle. Now there was a man Cambrae had no time for - an impious little twerp if there ever was one, gloating from the pristine gardens of his manor at every available opportunity. If Navelle was ever to fall from the Carassas High Pass, the monk reflected, he should not shed many a tear.


"The majority of the briefing was composed of questions from the  governing party and answers from either Luceen or Navelle (NWN). The  resulting transcription, therefore, proved to be very dense, and  difficult to comprehend to all the untrained or ignorant. The events and  people Luceen described were - "


Cambrae looked up. Had he heard a noise, echoing downstairs from the transept? He should have been alone in the cloisters. Perhaps Brother Marvel was sleepwalking again.


" - were often not given in the order of their  happening. There were also many digressions taken by Luceen to explain  in depth their context.

     "We, who live in fear of the widespread disease of ignorance saw  danger of these events passing from the memory of this generation. For  this purpose is this chronicle composed. We give not the word-for-word  transcription, but an abridgement. We arrange events and people in the  estimated order of their transpiration. We write this record in language  that may be read and understood by a much larger margin of people in  comparison to the previous records and abridgements available. Finally,  it must be noted that we write this abridged record under the fictional  pretense that it was spoken by King Luceen himself. We advise readers to  understand that we give not a word-for-word transcription of Luceen’s  words, but have constructed our record after this manner for the  reader’s convenience.

"We will now begin our record. In the name of respect of our deceased  King Seraph Luceen of IV, and in the name of glory for the eventual  conquest for which we shall be servants, so it shall be."


He laid his quill aside with a satisfied nod. There - that should do. That _would _do. It was perfect, and perfectly watertight.

~ * ~​

So there I have tried to stylise it a bit with different fonts for the written text and the narration. You could separate the two just with speech marks though - it's personal preference. I've also tried to include, in the narration, relevant goings on, just so the world doesn't stop dead. Helps keep it alive, sort of thing. Of course I have taken immense liberties with your work just to illustrate what I mean, so please ignore them if they don't work for you, but hopefully this has provided sme food for thought. I can see why some people may say to dump it, but genre is important, as is voice and style, and dumping it could eviscerate your writing of its voice. That being said, it does need management, and sometimes stuff like this informs your character in _your _mind more than in the reader's, but that's ok because it keeps the character convincing for you. The reader just may not need all this stuff. Good luck!


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## Moonbeast32 (Jul 14, 2017)

Wow, bdcharles, that's certainly the most in-depth review I've ever received for anything I've ever written. You have given me a lot to think about. Your proposition is something to consider, I must admit. But before I make a decision, I want to think over it a while longer.

I also liked your creative liberties. Sadly, none of them can be implemented in the finished story. The world of Norebar doesn't work that way, and I hope to be able to reveal why that is before long.

Thanks for taking the time and effort. I found it very helpful.


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## H.Brown (Jul 14, 2017)

This is great a great beginning. It reads like the start of a high fantasy novel brilliant. Your foreword gives a great hook for the reader and it gives the impression that it is in fact a history book rather than a fiction.  It had me gripped and I would love to read more so I can put it in perspective before I can offer a critique.


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## bdcharles (Jul 15, 2017)

No problem. Wrt the taking of liberties, leaving aside the content of what I wrote, do you think the method could work?


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## Moonbeast32 (Jul 15, 2017)

bdcharles said:


> No problem. Wrt the taking of liberties, leaving aside the content of what I wrote, do you think the method could work?



I'm really unsure. My biggest hesitation is that I wanted Norebar too feel like a non fiction book. I wanted readers to feel like they're holding a history book that came from another planet. I'm afraid that adding narrative bits in between would break that feeling.

But then I started thinking about Cambrae. I discovered that he has a complex back story that explains why he's writting the book. It's a heart warming story that I really want the reader to know about. how can I do that in the non fiction format it's currently in?

to be clear, when the actual story, Luceen's story begins, it will be written in first person perspective like explained in the foreword. It is an adaptation from his interview, written to sound like he's recounting his life from beginning to end.


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## Jay Greenstein (Jul 15, 2017)

> My biggest hesitation is that I wanted Norebar too feel like a non fiction book


An experiment to try, one that will gauge your potential market for that approach: Ask your friends how many history books they've read as entertainment.


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## H.Brown (Jul 15, 2017)

Many fantasy books make use of fictional historical moments, they are placed at the beginning of chapters, interwoven into the main plot line as a sub-plot. Robin hobb does this in her farseer books. It gives a broader sense of the world when done right and tells it's own story. However I would have to agree with Jay unless it is a specific period in acctual history then you tend to find not many readers for fictionalized history. Now historical fiction is another thing, is your book based on a historical event that can be traced into reality?


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## Jack of all trades (Jul 16, 2017)

My advice is to write it the way you want. It was obvious to me that it was a "history" and not based on any actual events. You may need to guard against getting to dry, but that can be handled during the editing process. 

Something I have learned -- when a writer rewrites or adds to a piece, it generally means you have captured that writer's attention. Not saying that's always the case.

Other general advice : 

Don't post each piece for critique. I know the desire to have some kind of feedback, but too many opinions can make a mess out of something that otherwise would be good. Find one trusted person to be your cheerleader during the process and save the rest for after the rough draft is finished. Too many have quit writing promising stories because of conflicting criticism.

The second piece of general advice is to remember that this part of the forum is available to search engines and guests. That means it counts as published. If you think you might want to try to get this traditionally published some day, then you need to think about protecting your first rights.

Good luck with this! It has potential.


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