# LM September Scores



## bdcharles (Oct 2, 2019)

Life is tough, but enough about me and my problems. Here are the scores!


[spoiler2="BornForBurning"]
*1. Last Request (The Worst Betrayal)*


_Evaluation: _

On a technical side, there was one grammar mistake. "That may so." 

I thought the plot of this story was a clever twist on your chosen prompt. 

The main problem with this story is the characters. They are stale and  one-dimensional. In the case of the father, the personality you  establish at the beginning completely clashes with his personality in  the rest of the piece. In the beginning he is grumpy but dependent,  which I thought was a somewhat interesting contrast. However for the  rest of the piece he is a flat "wise old dad" cliche that lacks any real  emotional weight. Some of this is due to your awkward descriptions,  which often feel more like showing than telling. "Joe could see the toll  cancer was taking on the old man." Wonderful, but I can't. Try  something like this: "The corners of Dad's mouth curled up in a tired  old smile, warm but drained by the cancer that ravaged his veins." 

I thought that Joe being so emotionally immature was strange. He is  taking care of his dying father, after all. The bitterness should be  lurking under the surface, like it often is with family members who  haven't resolved their differences. Maybe you need a scene with him and  Tom to really establish why he hates him in a believable way. I also  didn't really feel his care for his father, which is a pretty major  problem. Maybe because at the beginning, he is being yelled at, and then  he goes and helps so cheerily. Almost like he's in an abusive  relationship. 

I also felt that the note should have been revealed to the reader before Joe murdered Tom. 


_Reaction: _

Overall I felt it was plotted fairly well but lacked what is the meat  and potatoes of literary flash, namely strong characters and voice. I  felt a bit of a spark at the end, I will say that. Mostly, however, I  felt irritation, largely because the character's didn't really have any  emotional depth to them. It was certainly a _perceptible _piece of work. 

7/20



*2. Harvest (Crimson Flower) *


_Evaluation: _
Some strange continuity things, like the dad putting his hands on the  kid's shoulders and then doing it again, with no mention of them being  removed. Even if they were removed, it ruins the motif to do it again. 

I didn't realize until the third read that the human had fallen. I guess  the flowers ate him? But the way you wrote it made it far too ambiguous  initially. I honestly just assumed that he ran away. 

The humans are sacrificing themselves...maybe? I think that was what was  happening. But it was weird, because it was quantified as them 'risking  their lives.' And then it was explained that they were willingly  sacrificing themselves...so they would get paid? Because clearly, they  would have to die for the aliens to get the flowers. But why would they  sacrifice themselves for something they will never see? Family, I  suppose. But you have to explain that, otherwise it just seems weird.  And then his father says "they know the risks." The only risk is that of  certain death! He makes it sound like it's merely 'dangerous' when it  fact they are being killed. 


_Reaction: _
I thought the characters were somewhat flat. That's okay in this piece,  because it is more plot-driven. But the plot was illogical. So  emotionally, this piece really did nothing for me. Some of the imagery  was cool. 

5/20




*3. The Wrath of Grominor (The Worst Betrayal, Crimson Flower, Fearsome Beast)*


_Evaluation: _

Another plot-driven piece, this one almost entirely so. I felt that  Grominor's brother taking Sylfana out of the blue was bad. It should be  foreshadowed. It also might make sense if their was some tension in  Grominor and Sylfana's relationship, maybe she doesn't love him? Oddly  enough, I imagined an alternate story where Sylfana actually loves  Curamgir and wants him to take her. I guess my brain wanted an  explanation that was more interesting than just "he's evil!"

The bear killing Gundur was definitely bad, at least the way you did it.  This is Grominor's fight. It takes the steam out of the story to have  the bear do it. Hell, why does the bear even need to be in the story  besides as a plot device? 

It's also strange in the beginning when Gundur is introduced, because it  sounds like the kingdom is being plunged into war. Oh, wait, no, a  lovely wedding is happening! Eh. These things are not mutually exclusive  but they certainly could be blended better. 

The voice was kind of cool. Classic campfire fairytale. It had good movement, largely due to good use of action verbs. 


_Reaction: _

This kind of story is definitely difficult to do in a flash format.  Still, I felt it could have been much better, with more focus on  characters. I will admit my bias towards this piece. Sword & Sorcery  is far more interesting to me than literary fiction. There was nothing  that really jolted me out of the ride, so to speak. But neither was  there anything particularly remarkable. It had good movement, good flow,  but it needed better meat & potatoes- better characters, more cool  imagery. 

8/20




*4. Liar (The Worst Betrayal)*


_Evaluation: _

Good feels. Maybe it's cheap because it's child rape, and that will jolt anyone but I got feels all the same. Reminded me of _Don't Let Daddy Kiss Me _by Motorhead. I kind of wanted the cat to maul the father, it would be comedic but also very rewarding. 

I had some problems with the first paragraph, namely: 'I always slept  better with her there. I felt safe with her there. She made the bad  dreams go away.' Pretty show-y, in my opinion. Maybe she jolts out of a  nightmare, maybe even of her father? Then the cat is there and it  comforts her. It would make their bond feel more real, and would  foreshadow the main conflict. I'm also not really sure how to visualize a  'rainbow kitty.' Maybe this is a common colloquialism for a specific  breed of cat or something. To me though, it sounded fantastical in a  story that was very grounded, which didn't really work. 

'Of course, he lied. He was a man. All men lied. They couldn’t help it.'  This line kinda jerked me out of the story as well. It seemed atonal,  like something an older girl with more experience and more ability to  articulate what they are feeling would say. I imagine this character as  being maybe 10? If the mother is saying it, and the girl sort of  repeating it, I feel that there should be some implied distance between  her and the statement, like she doesn't entirely understand what it  means or what she is feeling. 

I think maybe my biggest issue is that I want this to be longer. It cuts  out just as it starts to get really interesting, and you've got 400  more words to use. I feel like it ends where most stories begin. 


_Reaction: _

Like I said, good feels, especially at the end. Evoked that primal  desire to violently protect the weak and innocent. I wanted the cat to  go ham. 'Her triangle ears' paragraph definitely the highlight for me. I  almost felt cheated when it ended. Give us a more satisfying  conclusion, whether it is horrifying or hopeful. 

13/20




*5. Welcome to the Family (Spirit Talk)*


_Evaluation: _

Well-plotted, with good imagery. One of those pieces where the  sentence-by-sentence prose is generally quite good. The opening sentence  seemed comedic. Like, the sun is shining, but there's this tiny cloud  that's just hovering over the house? Maybe it was meant to be funny but I  got the sense that you were going for foreboding. 

I thought that the ending was a bit of a non-sequitur. The story is set  up to be a haunting. Now a haunting with a fuzzy, slice-of-life twist is  fine, but you have to set it up. I was engaged right up until the  daughter started talking. Clearly, she is the "other half" of this  story, besides the spirits. But she is hardly visible until two-thirds  of the way through. I envision this as a story where a bitter old ghost  finds acceptance through the perceptiveness and warmth of a child. So  you've got two core characters, but the second one is hardly developed.  As a result, the ending really flew out of nowhere. You've also got to  establish that the ghost wants acceptance in the first place. Janice was  also focused on a lot for having absolutely nothing to do with the end  of the plot. 

To go back to my first point, maybe you _were _going for comedy.  The dialog and characterization of the ghosts was light-hearted, in a  good way. I liked the tone. It didn't make me laugh out loud, but maybe  it wasn't meant to. 

This line was strange: 'Janice’s head bowing in shame.' It just seemed too physical for incorporeal beings. 

_Reaction: _
Good plotting, I enjoyed the story right up until I realized the ending  was going to be a non sequitur. Needs stronger characters, but  especially needs more focus on the specific ones that matter. Nice  imagery, good prose. Clearly you've been at this awhile. I liked the  aura of lighthearted mystery. 

12/20




*6. The Worst Betrayal (The Worst Betrayal)*


_Evaluation: _
Good pacing. If this was a novel, some hack would call it a  'page-turner.' The plot moves fast, and it's not the kind of thing one  should read distracted. Dialog was snappy, and that really helped your  characters, who were simple but believable. All the more impressive is  the fact that this is the kind of story that really is quite difficult  to pull off in a flash format. Despite all that, the weakest point is  definitely the plot. I really wanted a more satisfactory ending, one  that didn't rely in a deus ex machina (net at the bottom of the pit) and  tied up the loose ends as opposed to introducing completely new ones.  To clarify, the setup is good, the pay off, not so much. It's  established at the beginning that Trent was hired so that Gerard can  divorce her, so we know he's a turncoat right at the start. Avoid the  pit non sequitur and just go straight for the backstab. We _know _that  Felicity is gonna get double-crossed, the question is how. Having  Gerard 'die' really just deflated that main plotline. I imagine an  ending scene where Trent has supposedly gone to kill off Gerard and  Felicity hears police sirens. She thinks that it is because Gerard is  dead, but when they show up at her place it is revealed that Trent is an  undercover cop who played them both. But you could probably do any  variant of the 'Backstabber gets backstabbed' plot and it would work.  Just don't deflate it with death that we know isn't going to amount to  anything. 

Oh yes, and that pregnancy 'twist'? Terrible. Completely out of the  blue. Why would she even get pregnant with his kid if she hates him so  much? Just have him wear a condom. 

_Reaction: _
A thriller in 650 words that I really enjoyed, despite the flaws. I knew  Felicity was going to die, but I didn't know how, and that really kept  the tension up. Like I said, fix the ending. 

14/20




*7. A Flower of Brightest Crimson (Crimson Flower)*


_Evaluation: _

Wow, terrible endings really are the theme tonight, aren't they? That's  not to say the ending itself was bad. In a different story, it would  have been borderline brilliant. The imagery is exquisite. Delicious  death-poetry reminiscent of Dissection's _Where Dead Angels Lie. _Unfortunately,  nothing in the rest of the story foreshadows this at all! I suppose the  poem is intended as foreshadowing, but it could really mean _anything, _in any story. Right as I was coming up to the 'climax' (if you could call it that, considering there was almost _no _buildup) I thought, 'so what _is _this  story about besides some nice imagery and this slightly likeable,  slightly vapid couple?' The characters aren't nearly strong enough to  work as a pure character study. Maybe keep them essentially the same  (madly in love, delicate), but work an edge of morbidity into the male  character that would foreshadow the end and make his actions more  believable. 


_Reaction: _
I want to rate this one lower, but I just can't. The ending was too  good. It left the delicious taste of blood and bitter tears in my mouth.  Like I said, work that edge in. Maybe cut down on some of the  wordiness. Maybe, just maybe, find a way to make the characters a bit  more likeable. Some sort of back-and-forth where he is kinda morbid, and  she finds it funny but also a bit disturbing...

15/20




*8. Christmas Past (Spirit Talk)*


_Evaluation: _

Very poetic. There was some stuff that was overly purple, like 'she said  quietly, under her breath.' If it's under her breath, we know it's  quiet. Or this line 'his voice far away, hollowed out and echoey.' Just  say 'his voice distant and hollow.' Or 'a hollow echo.' Or 'a distant,  hollow echo' if you are really determined to use all three of those  words. The characters were good, I could really picture both of them. I  thought the second half was much better than the first. It had better  atmosphere and the interaction between the characters was much more  emotional. I didn't really understand what the girl wanted in the first  half, and it didn't really feel like there was much of a relationship  between the two of them besides him being grim and callous and her being  vaguely curious. The atmosphere reminded me of this old book I had as a  kid called _The Little Match Girl _or something like that. 

_Reaction: _
Satisfyingly tragic, with a warm tear-jerker ending. Ironic, considering  the girl freezes to death. I felt the first half was decently written  on a sentence/paragraph level but lacked emotion. Really focus on  building that relationship in the first half. The imagery throughout was  good though. Good atmosphere, I'm a real sucker for that, especially  when it's freezing cold. 

16/20




*9. Gretel and Hansel (Retell a Fairy Tale)*


_Evaluation: _

Well, the opening sentence was a run-on, and a kind of awkward one at  that. Not a good place to start. I really thought that the story was  gonna end with the fish growing humongous and him getting eaten. That  would have been pretty funny, and just deserts. The main problem with  this story, regardless, is that the main character sucks. He isn't  likable at all. Neither is the plot, especially with that incredibly  lame ending. Because he wasn't likable, I was expecting the story to end  with him being eaten, like I said. It would have been good setup-payoff  structure. He raises the fish to gigantic proportions so he can cheat  out a record, fish ends up eating him. The fact that it ends on a  poorly-executed gag really deflated any tension the story had to begin  with. 

_Reaction: _
Unsatisfying, with an irritating MC. I did feel it flowed well, so it didn't annoy me too much up until the ending. 

10/20




*10. Front line, back hand (Adrift)*


_Evaluation: _

Weird story. Weird flow, but it did flow. Like a fever dream. I thought  the first paragraph was front-loaded with a lot of useless information.  It really didn't set up how angry the main character was. I feel like it  should have mostly been about how A&E wouldn't accept patients, and  how mad the protagonist is about that. That was really the only  important point in that paragraph, I felt. 

The formatting was strange. Normally, when someone is talking, and then  someone else does something, you start a new paragraph. Maybe your  intention was to be disorienting but I really felt that it didn't work. I  had to keep doing double-takes to figure out who was saying or doing  what. 

The characters sort of made sense to me. I mean, they didn't do anything  that really made me go "now why would he do that?" But I also didn't  care about them all that much. They mostly came across as angry and  selfish. Maybe you really need to bring that justified anger across in  the main character. Really show us why he's frustrated. Like that movie _Falling Down, _if you've ever seen that. 

_Reaction: _
The strength of this story is the flow. It's a thrill-laden fever dream.  The weakness is everything else. Characters, formatting...I really feel  that this could be quite good with a decent round of editing. 

12/20




*11. Where did all our Boys go? (Where Boys Fear to Tread)*


_Evaluation: _

A horror story. Booooooooo! It kind of reminded me of campfire story,  like something someone came up with off the top of their head. My  biggest problem was that the horror elements sort of come out of  nowhere. For me, it's a pretty big leap between creepy-looking forest'  to 'forest that literally kills you if you step inside it.' But  apparently, it only kills you if a camp counselor is there to tell a  creepy campfire story? So yeah, horror needs to have rules, and this had  none. The logic of the story didn't make any sense to me. 

The imagery was good, but also needed some editing. Like when you say  'it was enchanting' in the opening paragraph. You've already painted a  pretty effective description in our heads, you don't need to spell it  out to the reader. 

I don't think Everett needs to be named. He never comes in again, and  naming him makes it seem like he is important. Maybe have Grayson say  the line. He should be brought in earlier anyways, since he is so  important to the story. 

The characters were decent. I wish they were somewhat better, but the  main point of this story is atmosphere, and they did a good job of  contributing to that. Maybe establish a thing where Sebastion feels he  needs to protect Jai? 

_Reaction: _
Cold, dripping, Entombed-esque atmosphere. And the atmosphere really is  the strong point. Now if you could have the plot make sense, and make  the characters a bit more root-able, this could be a pretty decent  story. 

13/20




*12. Caught in a Web *


_Evaluation: _

A horrible, wordy, headache-inducing first couple sentences. But I was  engaged by the end of the first paragraph. I guess, I really wanted to  like this, but the clumsy wordsmithing and borderline nonsensical plot  got in the way. For a story this purple, there was a LOT of telling.  'customers; or rather, victims.' There is a way, _way _more  interesting way to get that idea across. Just say customers, and then  describe the creepy stuff that happens to them. "Clientele would reel  from her bedroom, eyes wide and skin pallid, trembling like naked bags  of bones." Something like that. Not saying you should go for that idea  specifically, but you get the picture. 

The ending was really bizarre. She is trying to help him? Or maybe she  isn't? If she is, why? What about the main character is special? Is she  just trying to seduce him, and this is just what she does? If so, why  all the sudden exposition? 'Bled dry of emotion?' Why is emotion so  valuable to these farseers? These are all things that need to be  somewhat explained, you can't have all of these plot threads just fly  out of nowhere right at the end.

Some of the imagery was good. I kind of liked the atmosphere, but maybe  that's just because I like space trailer-trash type settings. There was a  lot of wordiness, too. 'The ‘Farseers’ algorithm having concluded the  constitution of her fated path that of something less than savoury  toward the current fashions of human culture.' I had to read that like  three time before I even understood what it meant. I think it means the  farseers believe she is a useful pawn in their plan to undue humanity? 

_Reaction: _
A decent idea let down by poor execution. Occasionally, real talent  pokes through in the form of good imagery and atmosphere, but for the  most part this was a confusing mess. 

12/20                         
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="luckyscars"]
Last Request
SPAG: 4
TAV: 3
Eval: 3
React:3
Comment: Strong piece. 
I found the general scenario to be rather well-trodden, safe territory, but decently executed and
flowed as a story within a restrictive word count.  Good job.


Harvest
SPAG: 4
TAV: 4
Eval:3
React:4
Comment: Another good one. Strong sense of place and voice. Nice bit of
world-building for 650 words.


The Wrath Of Grominor
SPAG: 3
TAV: 3
Eval: 4
React:3
Comment: Another interesting bit of short-order fantasy. Competently 
written but never grabbed. THe Tolkienesque names and the heavy consumation
of the word count through tell at the start - little of this information
seemed particularly important to the story. In short, the
author seemed to bite off a little more than they could chew. This type of
story needed to be addressed through a longer work.


Liar


SPAG: 4
TAV: 3
Eval: 3
React: 3
Comment: A simple, effective iceberg. Nothing especially new in terms of story
but the first-person child POV made the difference. The voice was
pretty consistent but I objected to "He was a man. All men lied. They couldn’t help it"
- this does not strike as something a child would say, even a molested one.


Welcome To The Family


SPAG: 3
TAV: 3
Eval: 3
React: 2
Comment: I wanted to really love this. The voice is strong and there's 
a lot of good points. Good dialogue. I just felt sometimes the writing
felt over-engineered: "too transparent to truly make out" doesn't 
drive home an image. "introspectively inspected our collective thoughts"
comes across as gooey - maybe it's the alliteration, which doesn't seem
to fit and gives an unfortunate Suess-like quality. Needs sharpened, but 
a nice concept.


The Worst Betrayal
SPAG: 3
TAV: 4
Eval: 4
React: 3
Comment: Straightforward bit of suspense. Good, natural 
dialogue. Slightly cardboard characters, a few annoying
cliches - if I have to read about another heart 'skipping a beat'
I'm going to eat my own face. Other than that, I liked it. Easy reading
and non-pretentious.


A Flower Of Brightest Crimson
SPAG: 3
TAV: 2
Eval: 3
React: 2
Comment: Didn't really do it for me, which is unfortunate as
I tend to like this sort of thing. Poem at the beginning didn't seem
to connect much. Very purple, ostentatious, almost verging on parody at times. Might be some
fatigue here - tired of stories ending with knife-stabbings. Can't we 
find more creative ways to murder each other, people?


Christmas Past
SPAG: 3
TAV: 3
Eval: 3
React: 3
Comment: Strong. I would have liked slightly less generic references to Christmas, a
slightly more place-specific take. Is this New York? Chicago? Beijing? Not totally sure.
What Department Store? Make it feel like a real place.


Front Line, Back Hand
SPAG: 4
TAV: 3
Eval: 4
React: 3
Comment: This was a weird one. Part of me thought it was beyond absurd - the idea of doctors
and nurses punching one another, but it also created a surrealist, almost Pythonesque bent I liked. I really enjoyed
the ironic twist at the end. Good job...I think!


Where Did All Our Boys Go?
SPAG: 2
TAV: 3
Eval: 3
React: 2
Comment: Didn't work for me, although its another concept I might have liked with better
execution. Too many. One liners. Written. Like this. A lot of choppy. 


Hansel And Gretel
SPAG: 3
TAV: 2
Eval: 3
React: 1
Comment: Found it hard to get through. Maybe I was too easily distracted by the comma splices
and few other disjointed sentences, but I'm not sure I really got the fairytale link here.


Caught In A Web
SPAG: 2
TAV: 2
Eval: 3
React: 2
Comment: I'm willing to admit this may be something that some reviewers might really like,
but to me this read more like a synopsis shoehorned into a first person narrative. It's 
not just the complete lack of dialogue, it's also the hyperbolic nature of a lot of the writing with
a ton of sci-fi/dystopian buzzwords. I have tried to be generous with the scoring here in
recognition that I do think there are some readers who would enjoy this style, but not me.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="SueC"]
*1) Last Request (prompt - The Worst Betrayal)*
*CmdrTrailblazer*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 15/20
*Review: *Hey Cmdr. Good job with your first LM comp. You packed a  lot into this story, and generally I think you did okay validating  emotions and reactions. However, there were some minor issues like word  repetition, and descriptions that were superfluous, sometimes  diminishing the emotional turmoil of the characters.  For example, you  already told us that Joe was in the kitchen after the funeral, found a  letter and then "Joe snatched a knife from the kitchen and quietly opened the envelope and pulled out a letter. He quietly read it until a voice startled him."

The conversation seemed a little stiff in the beginning. It might have  been helpful in the first part to identify the time of night that Joe  went to his father's room. That might explain why he was "glaring" at  his son, requesting a glass of water. In my mind, I figured out that  after a good night's sleep his dad was more pleasant and conversational.  Still, there were some inconsistencies, like if it was the middle of  the night, why was his father sitting up in bed, where Joe had left him?  

We have three people in your story, all with different goals. Dad, very  ill, near death, wants his two sons to be closer to each other after he  dies. He hopes his last Will can facilitate that closeness. Joe, his son  and caretaker, is worried about his dad, but also carries a serious  resentment toward the third character, brother Thomas, who skipped out  and left Joe holding the bag when their dad was diagnosed. We know this  because of his conversation with Dad, not because of any internal  musings we readers were privy to.

The killing of his brother took me by surprise, but I think it was more  because while I knew he was upset with Thomas I didn't realize he was  upset enough to kill him, even on impulse. They didn't even struggle.  Joe shared no private thought process with us that would reveal this  intense level of anger, or hatred really, and I think that would have  been helpful. As it stands, the knifing seemed an over-the-top reaction -  in my mind anyway - to an awful comment. I could see him arguing,  yelling at his brother, name-calling, even throwing a punch, but not  murdering him. 

You might consider writing this in the first person - Joe's voice - and  see if that changes any of the dynamics.  Thanks for your submission,  Cmdr. I confirm the prompt in the story. Keep writing! J

*(2) Harvest (prompt - Crimson Flower)*
*Trollheart*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 16/20
*Review:*  Hi Trollheart. I'm guessing this is probably your first  try at the LM comp, and I'm glad to see you here. I liked your story,  but I did see a lot of telling, rather than showing. The trick with  sci-fi, to me, is to draw readers into a tale set in another galaxy or  realm. To do that well, you really have to give your imagination a work  out, because, in this work for example, you are not just writing a story  about an earth-bound father and son at harvest time. You have to figure  out how other-world beings might communicate; what would be important  for them to share with each other? You have used familiar human ideals,  i.e. the bond between a child and parent, so your readers should  understand what you are trying to say. Maybe a little too much.

So in _Harvest_ we have two entities, a father and son. In the  first small paragraph you tell us twice that the young Plydth is bored.  The only evidence we have of that is his sigh; you _tell_ us the rest, rather than _show_  us. Since you have elected to bestow human characteristics on these two  and their relationship,  it might have been fun to think of what you  see when you see a bored human teen, and have Plydth behave that way.  Slouch in his chair - as low as possible without falling out of the  seat, look at the sky, drum his fingers, tie and untie his shoes laces,  then leave them untied - like that, and I'm thinking you wouldn't have  had to use the word "bored" even once.

The rest of the story follows along those same lines. Dad shows (good  job there!) the human emotion of exasperation when his son doesn't  respond the way he would like. Plykor then spends time explaining to  Plydth about the flowers, and even though Dad himself doesn't understand  the "odd chemical process" that makes them flame, he expects his son to  be impressed. I did wonder where the two were located in relation to  the acre of flowers, that they could just "harvest" them without  climbing down from something, or coming out of somewhere, where they had  watched the human go up in flames.

I do think this has potential, but it needs more work, IMO. Not bad for  your first try, though, and as you spend more time on WF, I'm sure you  will learn several tips on refining that "show/tell" skill. I see  evidence of the prompt, and thanks for your submission, Trollheart. Good  job!

*(3) The Wrath of Grominor (prompt - The Worst Betrayal)*
*Anonymous1*
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall:  14.5/20
*Review:* I believe I saw at least three suggestions of prompts, in italics: _Worst Betrayal, Fearsome Beast_, and _Crimson Flower_.  The thing is, with prompts, they should be an integral part of the  story, not just included as a description of one component. I believe _Worst Betrayal_ would fit your story well, but not the other two, so you are okay with incorporating a single prompt. 

This was an interesting read, but I will say I was distracted somewhat  by not only the few unpronounceable names, but that so many of them  began with the letter "G," (the town, the townspeople, the lord, the  shadow people and the dark one) which added somewhat to my confusion  over who was doing what. Not a biggie, of course, and I do understand  that fantasy stories often have character names that are unlike any we  have ever seen before. I'm just reporting on how it affected my general  perception of the story. _Sylfana_ and _Iltzik_ were more interesting, and I like being able to pronounce the names I am reading.

There were some issues with comma use and run-on sentences. ("At the  festivities, Grominor realized Sylfana had departed. He looked for her  and came upon the stables, there he saw his brother Curamgir, with  Sylfana tied to his steed as a prisoner.") There was also some incorrect  word use ("With Gundur’s quick swipe she fell *smitten* in Grominor’s arms"), _smitten _means  love-struck or obsessive. It does not seem to fit here,. but in general  I was able to follow the story line. I was confused about why his  brother would even take Sylfana, when there had been no mention in the  story that he was also in love with her, but I know that sometimes 650  words is just not enough to flesh everything out. 

I do think you could do more with this, with some work. Try reading your  story out loud so you can catch the grammar issues. Thanks for your  submission. Keep working on it!

*(4) Liar (prompt: The Worst Betrayal)*
*Seigfried007*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall:  17/20
*Review:* Seigfried, this is a powerful little piece. I love the  value of her cat; how she saw the animal as a safe harbor. Personally, I  often find it difficult to _critique_ this type of writing,  because I know it's emotional and sometimes the standards are just put  aside for the value of the punch, where the real power comes from.

But this is my responsibility as judge. Your work certainly had an  impact, but there were some incomplete sentences and some areas needing a  little fleshing out. When saying that all men are liars, I couldn't  tell if it was the MC or her mother's words. Was this her own  experience, or her mom's venom? In my experience (I've had cats my  entire life), they are not your typical protectors. They will react as  you describe, if they feel there is a danger to _themselves_.  Having said that, I suppose it is not beyond the realm that a cat would  react to a general sense of danger approaching - I'll give you that. But  I would suggest, for this work, focusing more on the comfort the kitty  provides her, in her otherwise chaotic and painful world. The cat  physically, after all, would be no deterrent to the stepdad's abuse. As  he said, he wants her to be quiet, _like the kitty._

There were a few formatting issues, nothing major. Just a thought - you  might try writing this in first person, present time, to enhance the  drama and danger. 

For example: _I hear footsteps in the hallway and I am afraid. I pull my blanket up. If I'm asleep, maybe he’ll leave me alone. . . __The doorknob turns._

You fulfilled the requirement for the prompt inclusion. Good job, Seigfried. Thanks for your submission.

*(5) Welcome to the Family (prompt: Spirit Talk)*
*Riptide*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction:4 /5
Overall:  15.5/20
*Review:*  Riptide, this piece has a lot of potential. I do think  that having only 650 words available to you, left some confusing gaps. I  really loved the antics of the ghosts, based on how and what condition  they were in when they passed. I thought that was very creative and  inspired. But then I was left wanting to know why those particular  ghosts were existing in that particular dwelling. Did they all die  there, or were there other reasons? Had the house stood empty for so  long because of their presence and why was there a cloud over it, even  on sunny days?

Toward the end of the story, the living daughter, Julie, informs the  ghosts that they (the family) will only respond to them if the ghosts  talk to them. She acts as if that is a given, but how would the ghosts  know that? And why didn't the living tell the ghosts when they first  moved in, or when the lights started flickering? 

At several spots, you use plural pronouns, where a question or comment  is singular. For example, When Janice answered Ron's criticism as to why  she wasn’t on watch, with the question, "Where were you, Mr.  Omnipotent?" She was answered by _we._ At the end, they all named  themselves "Wanderer," as if the group of ghosts was really one entity,  even though you had described them as quite individual. Also, you make a  point of naming all the ghosts who decide to leave, but not those who  remained to witness the breakthrough with the family.

Like I said, Riptide, I do believe this has a lot of promise. If you  could fill in those gaps and provide more information on your  characters, I think you would have something special. Your prompt was  clearly included. Keep writing and thanks for your submission. J

*(6) The Worst Betrayal (prompt: The Worst Betrayal)*
*Anonymous2*
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall:  16.5/20
*Review:*  Well, this was quite a ride. I was excited to keep  reading . . . All characters are real stinkers, aren't they? I loved how  you were able to get that entire story in, all the twists and turns -  good job! 

Here we have a story from the viewpoint of a woman who is having an  affair with the man her husband has hired to kill her. Tables turn.  Trent, the hired man, gives her drugs to kill Gerard, but comes off  smelling like a rose as the woman dies from poisoning instead. Clever  having Trent's phone number in her husband's phone. Her husband being in  the shower gives her the opportunity to know of some kind of connection  between him and a man she is seeing. This was a good story, but I did  have some questions.

The beginning. What made Felicity feel there was something "wrong" going  on, something that would make her check her husband's phone in the  first place? And if Gerard "appeared behind her," wouldn't he have seen  her put his phone back on the coffee table? And if she had the drug to  kill him, why did she take a risk in public to push him over the edge of  the overpass? How was the drug administered to her?
Well, I liked this story, even with all the holes. Keep writing, and thanks for your submission. J

*(7) A Flower of Brightest Crimson (prompt: Crimson Flower)*
*Anonymous3*
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall:  18/20
*Review:* Well. This is disturbing with an ending not at all what I  was expecting. Kudos for that. It's like a snippet in time, because  there was no forewarning or following consequences to speak of. A  perfectly reasonable man, behaving in a Victorian manner with much  deference to his female companion . . . and then boom! My goodness,  women have changed since those days. At any rate, it was well-written  and I could see no formatting or SPaGs to speak of.

It was confusing in some spots, most specifically when the gun was  fired. Toward the end of the story, I couldn't tell if William or the  driver had been shot. At first, I thought the driver had shot William  (following instructions?), but his actions after the gun was fired  seemed more likely he had shot the driver, and it was his blood  splattered on Williams shirt. No witnesses then, as he murdered his  companion and exposed her heart.

Not too bad a story, but just needs some clarification, IMO. You did  make use of the prompt by the same name. Keep writing and thanks for  your submission. J

*cool: Christmas Past (prompt: Spirit Talk)*
*undead_av*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall:  16/20
*Review:  *Very poignant. One of the things I really like about  this style of writing is the focus on an intimate, small time-frame in  one person's life. We readers are not privy to the circumstances that  brought Claudia to such a cold, harsh place; there is no need to know.  We don't know if the shade, Reynold, is real or just a figment of her  imagination. We are instantly immersed in the chill of her existence,  one you can feel as you read. This is like a small moment in a life;  like a small gesture that no one sees, or tears that are quickly wiped  away.

Here we have Claudia, who is at the end of her days. She knows a cold  few of us will ever experience, and her only companion is Reynold, a  spirit whose death as a teenager left him bitter and unwilling to  provide much comfort to the girl Claudia. She will join him soon, they  both know that, but it's little to look forward to. There are hints that  the girl has lived a quite different life in the past, but how she lost  those comforts is left to our imagination.

As far as stories go, Undead, this isn't much of one. But that is not to  say it doesn't have an impact, or isn't important. There were a few  grammar and formatting issues, incomplete sentences, a couple of  punctuation blips, but I liked this because it conveyed so much emotion  in such a small time period. The prompt is definitely present. Thank you  for your submission - and keep writing. J

* (9) Front Line, Back Hand (prompt: Adrift)*
*epimethius*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 15 /20
*Review: *Hi, epimethius. So here we have Dr. Lindberg, a GP, who  apparently is somewhat overworked and tired of being given what he  assumes is a "lesser" responsibility of triaging patients. He goes on to  express his dismay in a most physical way toward a nurse who is equally  burnt out, and by the end of the story, Dr. Lindberg is willingly  joining the triage queue - on the other end of the line.

I see some issues from the first paragraph. Personally, I am not a fan  of acronyms or even simple initials, until after they have been used in  full form the first time they appear in the story. I do know what GP  stands for (general practitioner), and because I watch a ton of British  TV, I also know that A&E generally refers to a hospital; otherwise I  would not know that. There were some punctuation issues, and dialogue,  which can be tricky. To write dialogue well, you can't always rely on  the way people speak. You need to make sure the punctuation is  appropriate, while still conveying the meaning.

Actually, I think this can be a pretty fair short story, but needs more  fleshing out. It highlights a systemic problem that can realistically  occur in a hospital/clinic setting. Our GP, Dr. Lindberg, works for an  Urgent Care Center, who most likely sees walk-ins who he potentially  refers to the hospital for admission. I didn't really understand how he  came to be triaging for A&E, if he works for Urgent Care. How did  that happen? He tells us that getting patients admitted to the hospital  has become a "nightmare," because he is not part of the A&E team.

All very realistic, but I think it just needs a little more work and  clarification - keep writing! The prompt was included and thanks for  your submission, epimetheius. J

*(10) Where Did All Our Boys Go? (prompt: Where Boys Fear to Tread)*
*Anonymous4*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 19/20
*Review: *Woa! I was on pins and needles at the end. Too abrupt!  You didn't use all of the words available to you, and I think the very  ending could have been fleshed out a tiny bit more. 

You did a really good job of building the tension throughout. We have a  troop of boys hiking on a dirt path that passes by a very dark, drippy  wood. One wants to wander in, but is told _no, not this forest._  Then the troop leaders tells the story of another troop and as he  speaks, his little gang begins to disappear in the fog, one by one. Your  description of time and place was well done; I think most of us know  that the northwest (Oregon) is often rainy and foggy. I could see  everything in your story, just as you had planned.

I have no criticism to speak of, except that abrupt ending. You chose  short sentences to add to the feeling of dread. The boys words were  appropriate for the situation, incomplete sentences and all. The prompt  was definitely included. Good job and thanks for your submission! J

*(11) Gretel and Hansel (prompt: Re-writing a fairy tale)*
*Fat Club*
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall:  18/20
*Review: *I liked this one, Fatclub. The beginning was a little  unclear to me, but once I got into the story and understood what was  going on, it was a fun read. Focusing on that all-too-human need to  exceed and win at something, even through devious means, you did a good  job in your depiction of this retired gent's motives.

The descriptions in the beginning of the story were a bit like a  catalogue. You might have made the price of things a little more  general, instead of so specific and of course the nod to us Americans so  we knew in dollars how much £3,999 were. Also, in regards to your  prompt, the re-telling of a fairy tale, it was a bit of a stretch. Other  than naming the fish _Gretel_ and _Hansel_, there was really  little relation to the original story, as far as I could see. Ordering  the fish from France, instead of finding the fish himself (like the  witch in _Hansel and Gretel_) and putting them in the tank (the  oven?) and fattening them up, might apply. Like I said, it's a little  bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you.

Punctuation was a little off with too many (IMO) semi-colons. Periods  might have been a better choice since sentences appeared over-long.  Short sentences sometimes enhance the tension.

But the ending was awesome! Seriously, to make the connection too late  that these fishies were, after all, a boy and girl, it certainly  wouldn't be beyond the realm that something would happen between them in  that large, homey tank of theirs, and there you have it. If he had only  done the weigh-in first! Vane man. :smile:  Dumping those 4 oz of fish eggs in the process was a tragedy! LOL. 

Good job, Fatclub - always an enjoyable read from you. Keep writing and thanks for your submssion! :smile:

*(12) Caught in a Web (prompt: Caught in a Web)*
*Anonymous5*
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall:  15/20
*Review:  *This is a story about a penal system, which possibly  holds humans or remnants of humanity, in certainly a different form than  we typically know … or they are not human at all. The focus of the  story seems to be on a being called Taromine, who had been "exiled from  Earth before she was born." Despite this, Taromine had knowledge of  Earth - smoke, dirt, a blue sky, etc. but she would never tell others  what she knew(?) The MC is unknown as far as his origin or genetics. 

In the first paragraph, there is a ton of information. The sentences are  overlong and syntax seems a problem. ("She’d been exiled from Earth  before she was born- the rumour went; the ‘Farseers’ algorithm having  concluded the constitution of her fated path that of something less than  savoury toward the current fashions of human culture.") I can see this  being two or three sentences here. As written, it's difficult to  understand.

There are some spots that are made even more difficult because of additional, sometimes superfluous wording: "I didn’t know it was her was when our paths first crossed."

I really am trying to understand this story. What I feel is that I am  reading about some kind of network, where the beings referred to are in a  web of sorts and are often punished by others who had been exiled from  Earth earlier; punished by things _they will never know or see_.  They are frequently drained of emotion or liquids and must go to  dispensary vaults to be replenished. Our MC meets Taromine at one of  these vaults and she is very seductive, but only her eyes are visible.  MC tells us she oozes sex, but admits there is not a hint of femininity.  She brings him back to her lair, and it looks as if he is going to die  there. I believe he expects to die there. Even though he talks about  dying, he is also expecting to be reassigned to another penal colony at  some point. She tells him things he doesn't understand, including that  she loves him, and then I think he doe die.

I know this must fall under a particular style of writing and I think  this must have been a challenge with only 650 words. I can clearly see  the prompt. Thank you for your submission. J                         
[/spoiler2]

So that's that, now hear this:


*Entry
**BornForBurning
**luckyscars
**SueC
**Total
*"Last Request" - CmdrTrailblazer7131511.667"Harvest" - Trollheart5151612"The Wrath of Grominor" - Anon (Mish)81314.511.833"Liar" - siegfried00713131714.333"A Flower of Brightest Crimson" - Anon (velo)15101814.333"Welcome to the Family" - Riptide131115.513.167"The Worst Betrayal" - Anon (Tim)141416.514.833"Caught In A Web" - Anon (Badgerjelly)1291512"Christmas Past" - undead_av16121614.667"Front line, back hand" - epimetheus12141513.667"Where did all our boys go" - anon (BigBagOfBasmatiRice)13101914"Gretel and Hansel" - fatclub1091812.333


Meaning what? Meaning that in first place we have:

*The Worst Betrayal
by
Tim*​
In second we have

*Christmas Past by undead_av*​
And rounding out the top, it is tied between 

*A Flower of Brightest Crimson by velo & Liar by siegfried007*​
Well done everyone, and for taking a chance on this new format comp. Thanks as always to the judges; sadly were one down this time but it cannot be helped. Now skip on over to October's while I update the judging guide


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## velo (Oct 2, 2019)

Thanks, bd and judges.  Always appreciate the effort.


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## BornForBurning (Oct 2, 2019)

Congrats to the winners. I'm glad Tim won, it's cool to see something so bizarrely anti-flash win a flash competition. But I'm sticking to my guns that the ending needs to be fixed.


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## Trollheart (Oct 2, 2019)

Hey thanks guys. I came second-last, but thanks for voting for me at all, and it looks as if it was tight enough. My score of 12 wasn't so far behind those who won, so at least I didn't embarrass myself.
Uplifting. Thanks again.
TH


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## seigfried007 (Oct 2, 2019)

Oh my goodness! So happy to take home half a bronze on this. 


One thing I think was especially neat in those comments was that our lady judges assumed the child's gender as female. I left the excerpt vague on purpose, but I do think it's interesting and wonder what the split on people who assume this kid's a girl is. 

Thanks to all the judges for their super awesome feedback and time!


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## CmdrTrailblazer (Oct 2, 2019)

Thanks judges for a fair and honest assessment of our scores. The cristism is appreciated and I'll probably be referring to it frequently in regards to my other writing. Great job, the rest of y'all and I look forward to trying again. Until next time. :thumbr:


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## Mish (Oct 2, 2019)

Thank you to the judges and to everyone who entered, great effort! Congrats Tim!

I thought Trollheart's "Harvest" was very decent and I'm surprised it didn't get a higher score.

Also a quick note to one of the judges regarding this comment:

"With Gundur’s quick swipe she fell *smitten in Grominor’s arms"), smitten means love-struck or obsessive.

*smitten

/ˈsmɪtn/


Learn to pronounce



past participle of smite.
smite

/smʌɪt/


Learn to pronounce

_verb_
past participle: *smitten*[



1.
LITERARY
strike with a firm blow.
"he smites the water with his sword"
ARCHAIC
defeat or conquer (a people or land).
"he may smite our enemies"
(especially of disease) attack or affect severely.
"various people had been *smitten with* untimely summer flu"
2.

be strongly attracted to someone or something.
]"she was *smitten with* the boy"

P.S. Regarding this story, I finished reading Tolkien's "The Silmarillion" about a month ago so I tried my hand at writing in a similar style. Alas, unsuccessfully it seems.


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## Trollheart (Oct 2, 2019)

Thanks for the kind words, Mish. Very much appreciated.
Oh, and I was of course remiss in not adding my congratulations to all the winners. Forgive an old man his absent-mindedness.
Where am I again? Who are you?


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## Ma'am (Oct 2, 2019)

Congrats, Tim!


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## Tim (Oct 2, 2019)

Thank you everyone. This came as a surprise.


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## Tim (Oct 2, 2019)

BornForBurning said:


> Congrats to the winners. I'm glad Tim won, it's cool to see something so bizarrely anti-flash win a flash competition. But I'm sticking to my guns that the ending needs to be fixed.



And so you should. Thank you.

The first draft was 1600 words. The story's readability and creditability suffered from all the editing and changes I had to make. I was unhappy with the safety-net and the ending and almost put it in the bin. Then I thought, _Why not enter it anyway? The more entries the more interesting the competition._


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## Fatclub (Oct 3, 2019)

Thx judges, well done. Sorry my link wasn't stronger, I think it just wasn't a natural 'fit'. I knew the boy Hansel was fattened up but I needed Gretel to spawn, etc.

 I can't remember who wrote what but I'll read them again - I distinctly remember I liked most of 'em.


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## epimetheus (Oct 3, 2019)

Thanks to the judges, very useful feedback. Congrats to the winners.


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## J.T. Chris (Oct 3, 2019)

Congratulations!


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## Trollheart (Oct 3, 2019)

Can I just ask, are we allowed to respond to questions put forth by the judges in their evaluation? There are some which I think were asked and I would like to explain them if that's possible. If not I guess it doesn't matter, but I think it might help. Thanks.


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## bdcharles (Oct 3, 2019)

Trollheart said:


> Can I just ask, are we allowed to respond to questions put forth by the judges in their evaluation? There are some which I think were asked and I would like to explain them if that's possible. If not I guess it doesn't matter, but I think it might help. Thanks.



Of course, please do


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## Trollheart (Oct 3, 2019)

Thanks Charles.
Is the best form to do it by PM or here in the thread?
TH


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## velo (Oct 3, 2019)

Let's all get the wisdom of the judges.


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## bdcharles (Oct 4, 2019)

Trollheart said:


> Thanks Charles.
> Is the best form to do it by PM or here in the thread?
> TH





velo said:


> Let's all get the wisdom of the judges.



What velo said  here is fine, that way we all get the benefit.


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## Trollheart (Oct 4, 2019)

One very important point before I start: I would not want anyone, especially the judges, to think I am ungrateful to you for taking the time to read and evaluate my story, and I would hope this would not be seen as a surly, sulky “but you didn’t get it” sort of response, because that’s not the spirit in which it’s written. I merely wish to clarify some points that were brought up during the evaluations, and respond to some criticisms, while not in any way contesting those views. So at the outset, let me begin by thanking you all for your comments, and hope you got at least something out of my story.

Before I make my comments, respond to or, if you prefer, defend my work, two caveats: one, most importantly, I understand that anything - anything - that was misunderstood or misinterpreted or not understood is my fault, and mine alone. As the writer, it’s up to me to make things clear so that the reader does not have to guess at things. But against that, the second caveat, which is kind of split into two parts: (1) this is the first time I have ever attempted to write a story of such short length and (2) the very brevity of the story restricts me from doing what I had really wanted to do. So much had to be sacrificed in the name of word count that the main meat of the story did suffer somewhat, but I think, or thought, it still stood on its own tolerably well.

I’d like to address *Bornforburning*’s comments first, as they were, shall I say, the most critical, almost, to me, to the point of harshness.

I take your point about the shoulders thing. I didn’t realise I had done that, so thank you. However when I read it back I see it as the father taking his son by the shoulders to turn him towards the action, and then after that putting his hand on the boy’s shoulder, almost in anticipation. Yes, in the interim his hands would have been removed from his son’s shoulders, but is it really necessary to write in every piece of minutiae? Do we say he opened his eyes and then closed them again, or he ran to catch the bus, and later talk of him walking along the street? Is it not taken as read (literally) that these things have happened without them having been written? 

But that’s a small point, and not one I will argue. Others, however, I very much will.

I will, if you’ll indulge me, challenge your logic with regard to the human “disappearing”. I find it odd that this was not self-explanatory, especially given Plykor’s explanation to his son about the humans and the risks involved. Also, if the human had just “run away” (apart from that being silly in the extreme to write: this isn’t Monty Python) where did the bloodcurdling scream come from? I wrote in the scream so it would, or should, have been obvious that he had fallen (been dragged down) into the flowers. I foreshadowed this, I thought, by intimating that the flowers were watching him, moving like hunters before they pulled him down. 

And yes, in case there’s still some abiguity, that’s what happened. The flowers are sentient, carnivorous ones and as a pack they pulled the human down into their midst, tore him apart and it was his blood that then created the chemical reaction that turned them from white to red. 

Now let me move on to your next point, that of why humans would sacrifice themselves. I liken the human empire (or what is left of it by now) to migrant workers who stand on corners every morning in the hope that the farmer or businessman will want them for work. They won’t be paid much, but it’s something and they will often fight each other for the privilege. Humans are not told, of course, that they will or may die, but are told something like this:

“We need humans to come with us to this planet where there are flowers to be harvested. You are the only ones who can breathe the poisonous atmosphere of oxygen and hydrogen on the planet. The work is hard, the day long but we pay well. There is some danger, yes: some of the plants are in very inaccessible places and you may be injured. You should know this before you accept the job. It is dangerous, and we make no guarantees for your safety. But it has to be better than starving, right?”

In this way, the humans are told that the work is dangerous but not lethal (or at least, the actual level of danger is hidden deliberately from them) so why would they not jump at the chance to earn? I’ve explained, through Plykor, that the human race are the beggars of the galaxy; few will hire them and they struggle to maintain any kind of existence. Look at any country with poor workers in it and tell me they won’t take on the most hazardous work for the comparatively lowest pay.

I would have to take issue with your contention that the plot was illogical, though I respect you have your own opinion. I think I did my best to explain it within the limits in which I was bound. The characters being flat is I think a little unfair; I introduced a wealthy businessman and his son, the latter of whom is to inherit his business but who is about as interested in that as any teenager. I tried to show the fall of the human race and revealed that a harmless plant is a killer predator, and also touched on the idea of commercialism and capitalism being happy, as usual, to sacrifice lives in order to make a profit. All in 650 words. I thought that was pretty okay, for my first attempt.

Lastly, please don’t take this as a personal insult, as I certainly don’t know you, but glancing at your comments on the other stories I see that, in the main, you were pretty harshly critical of them too, so maybe you’re just, I don’t know, harder to please. I’ll certainly try better next time, and thanks for the time you spent reading and evaluating my story. I just feel that perhaps, as a newcomer to this sort of thing, you might have been a bit more lenient and understanding and, I don’t know, helpful? Again, don’t take this as criticism but your comments, to me, came off as just dismissive rather than constructive. Nevertheless, I’m sure I’ll improve with time.

*Luckyscars: *No problem with your, very succinct, and I should say very welcome, evaluation. Thanks, really. It meant a lot.

*SueC:*

In contrast to Bornforburning, your comments came across as much more nurturing and helpful; in fact, you recognised and pointed out that this was my first attempt, which is really nice and helps. 

With regard to aliens, I couldn’t agree more, however (big caveat) I don’t think I’m one of those writers who is able to “go native” as it were when writing aliens. I feel that in order to keep some sort of emotional connection to any alien they need to have recognisable human characteristics. An alien in _Star Trek: the Next Generation_ put it very well in the episode _Cost of Living_: “You wonder what we do when we’re alone? We’re just like you. We laugh, we complain about work, we worry about the future, and we hold each other when we cry.” I’ve seen few authors who can totally "alienise" a character and still have me empathise with them. Cyberwar has a gift for this. I don’t. So I tend, yes, to apply human characteristics to my aliens. 

I believe that, otherwise, you have two types of aliens: human-like, who can be interacted with and understood, whose motives we can understand and whose emotions we can agree, or not agree, with, and your more monster-type, who has no emotions, no sense of, for want of a better word, humanity, and who isn’t capable of the more nuanced thinking and actions the other type is. Yes, without doubt, it takes a far greater writer than I am to be able to meld the two, or even form a third, but not only is that beyond me, I don’t think it’s how I want to write my aliens. I feel that, throughout the universe, certain, ah, universal concepts prevail, such as love, hate, fear, death, jealousy, prejudice etc, and without these a story can be missing its basic elements, and characters harder to form. I’ve read a lot of science-fiction, and the ones where aliens are truly alien are either boring or make the alien, well, alien: I can’t feel for them. Look at Burroughs’s Tars Tarkas, or the aliens in _Alien Nation_. They both retain the family ties, love and hate and all the other characteristics that make up your basic human. I think I’d find it very hard to write any other way. Even Wells’s aliens cannot be sympathised with, as they’re just walking heads really.

As for Plydth’s boredom, yes I know. In the original draft I had a lot more to indicate that: he was wishing he was at home with his computer games, thinking about a female who might be impressed if he became head of his old man’s company etc, but all that had to be scrubbed in favour of the word count. I tried to make them seem alien by referring to how they considered the beautiful green planet as ugly, and the fact that they had to wear suits to bear the atmosphere of Gentinis VII. You can only do so much with 650 words, as I found out to my considerable shock.

As for where they were standing, I’m not sure it matters. The flowers are only dangerous until plucked, then they’re inert and no longer able to attack after the transformation. I guess, think of them in a butterfly analogy, but consider that the caterpillar is carnivorous. Once it becomes a butterfly it is no longer so, and therefore no danger. They were, as it happens, standing a short distance off, having landed in their ship, but again the word count restriction didn’t allow me to explain this, and again I didn’t think it was hugely important. Technically, they could have teleported in. It really didn’t seem to me to matter.

Again, thanks for the evaluation and the very helpful and encouraging comments, and I hope I managed to clarify any aspect of the story that prevented you from enjoying it as I had hoped. 

If anyone has any other question, comments or wants to respond to anything I’ve said here, I’d be glad to discuss any aspect of the story, or indeed my writing, with any of you.

Thanks again.
Trollheart


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## luckyscars (Oct 4, 2019)

Trollheart said:


> If anyone has any other question, comments or wants to respond to anything I’ve said here, I’d be glad to discuss any aspect of the story, or indeed my writing, with any of you.



Firstly, Mr. Troll, thank you for responding to criticism in a positive fashion. That's refreshing.

Look, everybody is different. I read the same story and didn't notice anything of what Mr. Burning did. All that proves is that people read things differently.

I am not a detail oriented reader. I don't focus on it. What I do is focus on the general 'vibe' of the story, whether it seems authentic or not, and so long as it does I generally don't fixate on errors. For me, errors in SPaG and/or continuity are only errors if they are sufficiently noticeable to distract. From what I saw in your work, there was a sufficiently credible sense of place, the characters seemed somewhat believable, the dialogue was tight, and the pacing was in keeping with a 650 word piece of flash fiction.

The fact that I did not notice your 'mistakes' doesn't mean they did or did not exist or that they are or are not important. All it means is that I think the story was, on the whole, good. I tend to grant work a special degree of patience if it is trying hard to be creative, if it is at least new, and yours was. Had you been less creatively inclined, I may have been more susceptible to the continuity, logic, etc. As it was, such things escaped my notice and/or attention.

So the bottom line is: Don't be discouraged, don't feel the need to critique-the-critique. You're a good writer - I don't think anything in Mr. Burning's comments said otherwise. But a good writer is _never_ a perfect writer and it's all ultimately subjective. Even the best books by the best and most successful writers still receive their share of negative feedback. People who don't like your work aren't going to change their minds because you push back on it even if you are factually correct. The very fact you can achieve a polarized outcome in response means that your work was sufficiently strong enough to affect a judgment. And that's all a good story can do.


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## Trollheart (Oct 4, 2019)

Thanks for that Lucky.
Like I said, I wasn't taking issue with the points raised, other than to try to explain them and answer some of the questions put forward by the judges. I wouldn't want someone thinking I hadn't put enough thought into the story to have left glaring plot holes or made large errors, none of which I think I did. But I'm happy everyone seemed to have something good to say about it, which is great when it's your first time at this. i appreciate all feedback, but if someone literally poses questions during a review I think it's incumbent upon me to answer them. And I did ask before I made the post and was told it was a good idea. 
Thanks again.
TH


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## BornForBurning (Oct 4, 2019)

While it's hard to 'debate' anyone's reaction to a piece of art, or any artist's interpretation of their art, I guess I will.


> Also, if the human had just “run away” (apart from that being silly in the extreme to write: this isn’t Monty Python) where did the bloodcurdling scream come from?


People scream even if they haven't been killed. 


> “We need humans to come with us to this planet where there are flowers to be harvested. You are the only ones who can breathe the poisonous atmosphere of oxygen and hydrogen on the planet. The work is hard, the day long but we pay well. There is some danger, yes: some of the plants are in very inaccessible places and you may be injured. You should know this before you accept the job. It is dangerous, and we make no guarantees for your safety. But it has to be better than starving, right?”


This is the core problem with regards to the plot. This is information you have that I don't. To you, the story makes sense because you are the author and you have access to this privileged information. I don't. As a reader, I have no idea what the humans know or don't know. Logically, I assume when the dad said 'they know the risks' that they know what we've just seen. But that assumption makes the plot illogical. And I can't do anything but assume, because I don't know that the humans are essentially being lied to, which the dad implied was precisely what wasn't happening. I get that he isn't trustworthy, but we have nothing else to go off of besides the kid thinking 'that might be a lie.' Pure speculation. 

I personally do not argue with critiques. And I know how that sounds coming from the critic. But I don't think it is wise. You can't say "you shouldn't have felt that way" to somebody. It's like music. You either like it or you don't. If someone really likes something of mine, and someone else doesn't, I generally think that me and the person that like it both share a collective blind spot due to our tastes. With regards to being dismissive as opposed to constructive, one thing to keep in mind as a writer is that while a reader always knows what he doesn't like, he often doesn't know what he would like. That's why a lot of my critiques are destructive as opposed to constructive. Giving actual suggestions on someone else's writing is a tentative science at best. 

In retrospect, I wish I had focused on character development as well. I see how that could have been helpful. Maybe I'm not the most intelligent reader. I certainly wouldn't regard my tastes as sophisticated. But that was my reaction. I found it confusing. I didn't like the characters. No, I am not nurturing. I don't regard myself as unnecessarily cruel either. I was not trying to nitpick. These were things that just jerked me out of the story. I can be more detail-oriented, but I generally go with how a story makes me feel. This is why I gave Tim's 14/20 even though it was chock-full of problems. I really did enjoy it. I felt something.  I didn't feel anything when I read yours.

At the same time, do NOT take my word as gospel. People have given me feedback that I ignored because it was bad feedback. And like I said, I did enjoy some of the imagery. :wink:


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## Trollheart (Oct 4, 2019)

Thanks for that reply, Bornforburning. Very much appreciated.
I'll just reiterate that, had I not to have been constricted by the word limit, I would have been able to expand on the theme and explain it better. In retrospect, it was possibly a lot to try to fit into such a small space. But your critique is definitely appreciated. Thanks.

ETA: You may be interested to learn that I will be developing this into a full story. Perhaps at that point you might want to read it, to see if you get more out of it. Perhaps not. It will be there either way if you are interested.


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## Tim (Oct 4, 2019)

Hi Trollheart,

Good on you for having the sand to enter the competition in the first place. This forum has a sqillion members, yet only a few make submissions to the competition. I've always loved the honest feedback and, I believe, it has improved my writing. I don't enter for a pat on the back. I enter so the Judges can tell me what I'm doing wrong. What I do right is already OK.

I would prefer a Judge to say, "Let's face it Tim, there's so many Spelling and Punctuation errors in it that I had to read it several times...and so on."

Here is some critique from bdcharles for my first competition entry.

Quote:

"Family"
Tim
SPaG: 3/5
T&V: 3.5/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 12.5/20

Review: Your physical descriptors of the assault are really good and  visceral. I can really feel them. You have a lot of grammar errors  though, and the voice is kind of a little too generic for me, encumbered  with time-worn phrases - "tortured features", "angry red welts",  "pain-wracked eyes". Also I wasn't sure what happened at the end. What  was the call for, and why did it have the effect on the warden that it  did, and why did the inmate suddenly want his own cell? Some revelation  that compromised the jailer, but I'm just not sure what. That said, you  have some great images too - "like belting a cold-side-of-beef with a  mallet", "amplifying the infliction", "triggering a trickle of dark  blood", "long, uncomfortable minute" - really good phrases for conveying  what happened. Interesting situation too, with the jailer and the  inmate being brothers.

---

"-schubert sherbet-"
-xXx-
SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Total: 19/20

I'm seeing what at first I thought was a psychiatric patient, but is  possibly a hacker of staggering genius or maybe someone in an  experimental lab, engaged in some seemingly repetitive task - painting  equations - before we switch to a pair of observers. They can't believe  the shit he's - or she's - coming out with. They've got videos, teams of  experts, everything, trying to make sense of it all. Reality-bending  stuff, this. Does he vanish? I wasn't sure.

It is rather strange, seeing you write in a more accessible way, as you  do with the dialogue in the second part. One of the things I love about  your work is I always come away feeling smarter, even if it's just  learning a couple of words like ansible and palimpsest, or some new  subject like capstone cryptography. The voice is cool, the writing  stylish as fuck, and nothing is wasted. Yeah. I dunno. I dinged you one  effect point because I had to read it twice. :smile:

---
End Quote:

Now, you would think that -xXx- had won it with a 19 out of 20. The fact is he came LAST. I came second last, just like you.

If you want to see -xXx-'s work, it's on FLASHES. I would be stoked to write half as well.

My point is: a win doesn't mean you are the best, and a lose doesn't mean you are the worst, it's the feedback that matters. You can't know what you don't know, and the Judges do a good job at pointing it out--for free!


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## Trollheart (Oct 4, 2019)

Absolutely, and like I said, I'm grateful to them. I just wanted to explain my thought processes and that the incredibly limiting size of the project forced me to leave out a lot of information that they really should have had, and that would have made the story better understood. That's all. Questions were asked, and I thought it best to answer them, and clarify my position. Not digging my heels in or banging the wall in frustration (that's just cos I have noisy neighbours!) - just want to make sure nobody thought I just threw this together. 
TH


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## Tim (Oct 5, 2019)

LOL. And I thought I was the only one banging away at the walls when I can't get a story to work. I usually use my head.

I can't speak for everyone, but I'm pretty sure nobody thinks you threw it together.


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