# December 2013 - LM - A Light in the Attic - Scores



## Fin

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
A Light in the Attic


Great stories all around. Extremely close scores in the top three! A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Folcro, J Anfinson, Staff Deployment and Gavrushka for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. We had a really fast bunch this month.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**J Anfinson**Staff Deployment**Gavrushka**Average**Rockoo315*915141312.75*Danteinhickville*1214191314.5*Godofwine*919151514.5*Staff Deployment*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*InkwellMachine*1519201717.75*FleshEater - All the Creatures Were Stirring…Even the Mouse*14192015.517.12*Pidgeon84*9171314.513.37*Midnightpoet*8161613.513.37*Guy Faukes*1218171615.75*J Anfinson*N/A500,000N/AN/A125,000(Disqualified)*Pluralized - The Light*1316181615.75*Euripides*7171316.513.37*Foxee*13191918.517.37

In third place, we have *FleshEater* with his entry *All the Creatures Were Stirring…Even the Mouse.*
In second, we have *Foxee* with her entry *A Light in the Attic.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *InkwellMachine* with his entry *The Process.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

*rockoo315
"Untitled"
Grammar: 3
Voice: 1
Effect: 5
Total: 9/20
*

I'll say to start that it is always refreshing to cross paths with a writer unafraid to mix Santa with Jesus.

I think the story would have had a better effect had you put emphasis on the fact that Josh remained awake not so much out of excitement, but worry: symbolizing that a time that should be cherished is often met with unnecessary anxiety.

Your voice was hindered by several mistakes and brow-raising verbiages such as:

*Being** oblivious of all the worldly problems: *The word "being" is more often on the naughty list than the nice. This case is no different. And try "to" instead of "of".

*Come down the stairs:* "Fly" down, "scampering" down, "descending"?

*A huge smile went across Josh's face: *I can't begrudge little Josh his childish vocabulary, but I expect more from his mother.

*White lie:* I think the simple word "story" would have worked better here. There is no need to emphasize that mommy is lying, let alone in the same stroke to soften it with the word "white."

*...lifeless angels: *Whoa, there! Well, I guess there are some mothers out there who would call that a merry Christmas.

*"Mom, how will Santa know which house to drop off my presents at?": *Like I said, I can't hold Josh to decent grammar... but I wonder who taught him to end his sentences with prepositions...?

*"Well, honey, Dad and I set up something very special to let Santa know where to drop your presents off at": *Oh.

Another surprising error for someone who I'm sure has proof-read this thoroughly before submission is the change of tense after the "light in the attic" exposition. I found the change a relief, as present-tense tends to make me twitch, but I would have preferred consistency.

Overall: a nice sentiment, but a clumsy delivery.


*Danteinhickville
"Black Friday"
Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12/20
*

Finally, a story that dares to say it's okay to be a scrooge. It stands out in that regard.

I like how the character constantly finds excuses to complain about mundane things yet is so convinced and matter-of-fact in his/her justifications.

I personally have never been given a sour look for telling a charity representative "no", but if I had trouble buying that this character does on a regular basis, it can easily be said that, in their grumpiness, the character _perceives_ the dirty looks.

What hurt you were three main things:

1. Heavy on the metaphors and forced cleverness: Lines like "Weak member of the herd," "my poisoned tree" and "people that I'm sure blew even more."

2. Grammar mistakes--- I saw a misused apostrophe, which isn't necessarily a death sentence, but I have very little tolerance for missing words.

3. *The ending*. It seems to me that what you wanted was an analysis of a grinch's mind without having to worry about a story; that when you ran out of space, you wanted to end it with a punch. What you settled for was rushed, awkwardly-written and nonsensical:

---He didn't remember anything, but "one motion later, walked on"?

---Thieves came and took his punishment? What, he stayed to guard the kettle? But I thought he "walked on"? Did he mean that he subsequently took his own punishment?

---Rape... What? A character who has nothing to do with the story is raping someone who has nothing to do with the story in a last-second epilogue? Actually, I noticed that it was _children_, plural--- so... _all_ his children turned out to be rapists? I believe the point to this is that the story is taking the side of the MC in a cynical social commentary. But what I was enjoying about the story was that it hadn't been taking any sides, simply showing who this person was and asking the reader if they agree or can relate.

*No attic lights:* Is this because the neighbor is dead or because the grinch is in jail?

One more thing...

*"I know my shift was not traditional but neither was the racket."*

This line is far out of place. How? Because it is one of two lines that attempt to win--- more like force--- for this character a sense of goodness: perhaps a buttress to your failed social commentary attempt. While many readers will be able to relate to this character as a representative of the darker side of their Christmas spirit, this is not a good individual. Try to sell them off that way with some "yeah, but still" afterthought, and the story entire will fail.

Same for the line "money does not buy happiness," seeing as that the very next sentence explains why that sentiment actually contradicts what the character believes... unless the character is struggling to be honest with himself... though this does not seem to be a trait he possesses. Again, people will relate to this person without the contrived affirmations of righteous cliches in an attempt to make him seem like the good guy when he is very clearly not--- _enjoyably_ not, I will add.

In a word: an interesting character kept your final score above ten. A proofread and smoother landing would have earned you a lot more.


*Godofwine
"Christmas Eve Break-in"
Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 9/20
*

Capitalizing and italicizing "the sandman" makes the casual expression sound more like a crime boss. Especially when this "desperate" fight is followed by the vision of a fiery explosion. Remember that the reader has no establishment of context at your opening--- leave expressions and sarcastic exaggerations for paragraph two.

I would skip the names (Front Page Tavern, Massachusetts, Indiana, Marjorie). Important for some novels, not flash. Cluttersome. The setting is Walter's house. That's all we need.

*No need to warm the truck for a ten-minute drive: *What is this sentence doing here?

*Unsnapped his holster, parked two doors down, extracted and pocketed keys, withdrew 9mm, exited the vehicle: *Very procedural. But you forgot "and called for backup." Are all the cops of Indianapolis back at the Front Page Tavern on Massachussets?

*A monumental mistake: *How does he know he'll end up having to shoot the burglar? It almost sounds like this professionally-trained city cop is going to kill because he can. Merry Christmas...

*With his gun at the ready he tried the rear door but it was locked: *Does he not have the key to his own house? Worried about sound? If you can scan a house without making any noise, I'm sure you can unlock a door just fine. Missing a comma as well.

*...And he couldn't remember when he'd last used it: *A sentence can not exist for the sole purpose of foreshadow. It has to also belong to the moment. With that in mind, why is he trying to remember the last time he used an old cellar door at a moment like this?

*He closed his eyes and knelt for thirty seconds:* Is this police procedure--- closing one's eyes when approaching a possible burglary on one's own?

*Disappeared into the basement:* The POV is Walter's. Is he watching himself disappear?

*Somebody had definitely been inside: *Hadn't we already established this?

*He locked the cellar door to prevent someone from sneaking behind him: *Is this why he closed his eyes earlier? And wouldn't the burglar(s) had come up from behind him by now if they were in the basement? And does the door really lock from the outside?

*Walter Claytor was a cop to the end: *Then I hope, for the sake of Indianapolis, that the end is near. Seriously though, this is another sentence that does not need to be here. At this point in the story, the reader can determine what sort of cop they think Walter is. Nothing you can do now will change that. And bear in mind that my thoughts on Claytor are not an affront to your style. To be honest, I'm enjoying how helplessly brainless this guy is, who takes himself so seriously.

*If he'd missed anyone he'd hear the doors open behind him: *Walter might be stupid enough to require this explanation. I'm not. And you're missing another comma.

Not to sound like a broken record, but "twenty-four years of police training" and "'you picked the wrong damned house, you son-of-a...'" wrapped up in the same sentence resonates so poorly in my mind. Maybe that's just how they do it in Indie.

*Homeless Black woman:* Was this to make her sound poorer?

*"Ouch": *Is this the sound of labor? Whatever happened to that unearthly, guttural shriek from before? Why can't I see her sweating, heaving, gasping for air, crying... And why isn't she in a hospital? Is this homeless woman afraid the medical bill is going to take all the money she doesn't have? Is everybody in this story brain-dead?

I must say that I'm having trouble understanding why you wrote this. Alright, the woman's pregnant. Is Walter going to take her to a hospital? Deliver the baby? Shoot her? Drop a knee and close his eyes for thirty seconds? What are you telling me?

You could have salvaged extra points barring grammar. There were a host of missing commas, two run-on sentences (or missing words that made them seem as such), and a miscapital (disregarding how important you felt the word "Black" was).

To have made this story effective, everything you wrote should be condensed into a paragraph, delivered through the spinning mind of a frightened cop (in first person, perhaps). No _Sandman_, no Front Page Tavern, no fiery crash, no botched special forces tactics, no Marjorie. Let the story focus on what Walter does when he realizes the woman's predicament. Instead of showing me how clueless he is as a cop, show me how clueless he is with childbirth. You got me a little curious to see what would happen, but I was expecting a letdown. As it stands, the story does not work.


*Staff Deployment
"Little Red Lights"
Judge Entry*


I wonder how many envisioned a winged, red-eyed version of your avatar as that beast.

*Simply defeating the creature was not enough--- I would have to use the hammer alone, because otherwise my daughter would not learn to depend on me. She would not feel safe in her own home, knowing that her father had overestimated his own abilities: *Yes, better to risk her and his death than be called a cheater. Also, this line implies that his daughter is in the attic with him, which threw me for a loop when he ran alone into the crawlspace. Finally, his depth of thought doesn't quite match the line "But there was no time to let the implications sink in."

*The beast took a few hobbling steps forward: *The beast hobbled forward.

*Six or seven spiders scampered away:* Alliteration is cute, if you're trying to make this a cute scene. My main gripe with it is how he's noticing such fine detail while he's fighting a monster to protect his daughter. Clearly you know how to write action--- cut the cumber and watch the excitement multiply.

*The attic plunged into darkness:* I hope it didn't fall too far.

*For weeks my daughter had been complaining about the scratching and the growling and I assumed she was making things up:* The point of this sentence is to determine how long the creature has been here. Don't go off topic by reinforcing old ones. He believes her now--- you established that long ago. And why does he keep calling her "my daughter?" Has he forgotten her name?

*The first two smells were the attic. The third was the beast: *Got that, audience? There'll be a quiz later.

*I struck with the hammer just as it lept for my face:* Unjustified word alert.

*Seeking some sort of advantage*;* widened at a sudden thought*;* squirming in pain: *Don't tell me what the monster is thinking or feeling, unless you want to tell me this story from its perspective... which might not be a terrible idea.

*I told her we had a new pet:* I'm starting to think this guy shouldn't be a daddy.

Well-written, good action, interesting ideas. I had trouble sympathizing with the main character for reasons of stupid, but I suppose it was an enjoyable sort of stupid. A few obvious spelling mistakes as well.

In all, not nearly as much fun as your winning title last month, but as usual, your imagination shows its activeness, and that's something I can always stand behind.


*InkwellMachine
"The Process"
Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 15/20
*

*Cluster of pipes and wires:* I almost wish you had posted this anonymously just to see if I would have matched it to you.

At the onset, you put me straight into your world. Between the descriptions and absolutely immaculate dialogue--- the way you mix it into the goings-on--- I'm there: these engineers speaking on either side of my head. (And by the way, the word "engineer" hit me before you actually used it. It might not sound like a big deal, but for reader and writer to be so in tune, it truly is.)

NO!! A TYPO!!! But you were doing so well! ("_is_ black-tipped fingers")

I like to consider myself a good writer. But I'm an even better critic. And the one thing I can do better than both of these is complain. I'm like the maggot who eats the impurities of a wound so that the injured can heal. For that, you've left me hungry.

But I can say this...

As you were sketchy with the nature of this machine, (and knowing you), I could tell that I was headed for a sci-fi twist ending. And I was expecting better. Miracles are nearly impossible to ask for with the limitations of this contest, but remember--- complaining! Also, this relatively let-down ending was coupled with some out-of-place exposition in my opinion.

But your writing has become quite remarkable.


*Anonymous
"All the Creatures Were Stirring... Even the Mouse"
Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 14/20
*

I'm looking at the first paragraph. The second half (sentence 2 and 3) sound direct, cop-like. The first half--- the first sentence--- contains "and" twice. I barely have the tolerance for single "ands." When they start procreating, I get headaches.

*Solitary** smoke:* As in he's smoking by himself? We'll picture this just fine without the cumbersome adjective.

*Fire** and smoke smoldered in his lungs:* Is he a dragon? I knew smoking was bad but I didn't think it actually set your lungs on fire. And does smoke smolder?

*...rolling the Zippo back and forth in his hand: *There should be a colon or a dash at the end of this, because of the sentence that follows.

*The attic was dark, for now:* Period, please, not comma (more a suggestion than a correction).

*The family inside was probably getting ready to eat Christmas dinner, O Holy Night playing softly in the background: *This is another situation where I think the sentence should have been made two--- right at the comma.

*Watch for the light in the attic, as always:* This should really be in quotes, but it won't affect your score. Just keep it in mind.

*They'd guessed the killer posed as someone charitable: *Again, I'm barely holding off taking points away, as it's technically not wrong, but this should _really_ be a colon at the end--- not a semi-colon.

So... 'bout that ending there...

I was really hoping the story wouldn't go in the direction it did. The hints you dropped early made it obvious and maybe you know that, but when you make it so clear that you're withholding information, we know a twist is coming and in this case, what that twist is going to be. (The fact that I couldn't tell at whose house he was looking--- his family's or strangers'--- was a giveaway among other things.)

You had me going. I was very curious to see what happened other than what I was expecting. Unfortunately, I got what I was expecting. Points for proper and organized foreshadow--- points taken for predictability.

Nevertheless, it was a solid, well-written story. I got the air of darkness from this guy and the fact that he was the killer made sense. It's just a shame that the "it was he the whole time" is as tired as it is tiring.

While there are certain sentence structures and punctuation marks I would have employed differently, I'm giving you a perfect score for grammar. You've shown that you proofread this thoroughly, and any things you may have done differently than I, I believe you knew what you were doing. Good work.


*Pidgeon84
"Beautiful Curiosity"
Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 2
Total: 9*


I find that I am far more often telling writers to break sentences down. Given the atmosphere you present in the opening chapter, I think you should push these sentences together. The sudden sentences make what should be a smooth opening paragraph feel rough. As a general rule, the less action, the longer the sentences.

*My house stood in the middle of a valley. Mountains to the west and desert to the east. Only horizons to the north and south:* Easy remedy here--- replace the periods with commas. As for "only," strike it. If you must have a word there, use a descriptor, like "flat." This way, you maintain your intent and sharpen the image while softening the exposition.

Even in paragraph two...

*As it poured through the night, the thunder rattled the house. I lie awake cherishing the sounds: *"As it poured through the night, the thunder rattling the house, I [lay] awake, cherishing the sounds." However, looking at it a second time, this can sound better without changing the structure simply by striking "as" from the beginning. Also, this line should be its own paragraph--- "just then" should herald another.

On that note--- "Just then" does not need to exist in the sentence it appears. If something doesn't need to exist, it shouldn't.

*Nobody ever came here: *Nice. Got it.

*Nobody ever knocked or visited: *I said I got it.

*I was alone out here: **Angry face.*

*I covered my naked bosom and ran down the stairs: *"Naked" is irrefutably unneeded because it is already implied. As for "bosom"... how about "I covered myself" or "I threw on a bra." "Bosom?" I'll not take points off for your preferred vocabulary, Miss Austin--- I don't know, maybe that's how they talk in Arizona... though I doubt it--- but instead will hold it to a simple "I recommend otherwise."

*"Come in! You poor man. What the hell are you doing out there?" I asked: *First off, this sounds a _little _bit more like an Arizona woman. But at this point, especially given the context of the dialogue, we know who is speaking. "I asked" (and the later "he said" and "I proclaimed"): not needed.

*"Europe... fun, but I couldn't find what I was looking for."* Says everyone who travels there (kidding).

I saw the faint traces of a point to this story materializing in the final paragraph, but it was built on contrivance. As I read this story, I saw it on a stage: the desert valley was nice, but painted on a canvas; the house is cut-out and each character enters the scene when told and recites their lines as told. In my opinion, this particular story is not right for this particular contest. Its potential is constrained to death by the limitations hereby.


*midnightpoet
"Ice"
Grammar: 5
Voice: 1
Effect: 2
Total: 8
*

*He recognized the rotten-egg smell of bad meth: *How about "he recognized the smell"? We find out what she's smoking in the next sentence. And bear in mind that our interpretation of smell is the closest thing in the brain to our emotions. Given the history of these characters, there needs to be some effect here.

*"What happened, Jane? Why did you go back to this shit? You promised me, remember?":* Anger? Frustration? Emotion? Where are you!

*Roger felt his anger rising:* Oh... There you are, I guess. Now, although I think this sentence could have been a little more insightful and creative, it is the only needed sentence in its respective paragraph. The rest are reinforcing concepts from three paragraphs ago. Trust me: we got it the first time.

*"Go away and leave me alone": *I'm usually not one to pick on the word choice of a fictitious character, but I would choose one of the underlined phrases and cut the other. The less Jane says, the more apathetic she appears. See, it is my belief that, while 'Roger feels his anger rising', Jane is the one who should be showing little to no emotion, giving Roger more a reason to be angry and heartbroken.

Quite a few "hads" around, emphasizing the pervasive forcefulness of the backstory.

*"...you've scared me several times"; "Roger, stop that. Now"; "I've decided I don't want you either": *This is the voice of someone Julie Andrews might portray. It might be interesting to see her play a meth-head... but I don't think it would work.

*"...his anger jumped another notch": *I guess I just have to take your word for it.

*...patter of rain on the roof, which darkened his mood even more: *Definitely did not need that spelled out for me, thank you kindly.

*Minutes later, he dropped the blood-soaked hammer on the floor, went downstairs and walked out into the rain: *I do hope the crazy orangutan that appeared out of nowhere and Roger had to beat away is alright, and that his relationship with Jane is going to work itself out.

Final verdict--- The story came across as a PA: the continuity and backstory were forced, the dialogue sounded like an anime translation, and the characters actually seemed like they were actors who wanted to get this over with and grab their paychecks. It seems to me another case of "not-enough-space," which I can understand, and am sure that, given more space, this could be a very impacting story, especially if worked into a grander plot (maybe this story could be, itself, the backstory of the misunderstood villain). But as it stands, it falls.

Good grammar, though. You showed that you proofread and that deserves full credit.


*Guy Faukes
"A story of Santa: Into the Shadows"
Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12/20*


"Heartily" was not needed--- the dialogue got the idea across just fine--- no need to reinforce the juxtaposition.

*The jolly old man laid: *Lay.

*While a tan-leather eye patch shielded his left eye:* Strike the first "eye" and decide which detail is more important (if either really are): the "leather" or the "tan." Let the other one go.

*...was a couple of grams of lead:* were.

*"At least the Christian ones...": *I like the parallel between how _un_christian your Santa is with how unchristian the idea of Santa is. But the paragraph in which I found this line is a trifle heavy on the expository dialogue.

...As is the paragraph that follows.

*silver** hair: *Silvered by what? The snow? Or did you mean _silver_ hair? Snow-silvered hair would have sounded so good.

The concept is something I might find on Youtube or Southpark, but there's plenty of potential left in it. This story didn't need a plot, just show me your Santa: let me see him pull out a candy cane and smoke it; show me his reaching into his sack for a bloody body part and feeding it to Rudolf (the "deputy" reindeer); talking about all the convenient distractions caused by the holidays. This could have been the story--- showing me the kind of man he is. No Jack Frost (unless for a simple execution), no C4-on-the-sled-scene--- out of place and uninteresting, in my opinion. It was good, but there is room for it to be so much better. For now, the plot is in the way.

In spite of all that, you were in a good position to get a better score from me--- one more proofread surely would have done it.


*J Anfinson
"When I loved you the most"
Judge Entry*

*Alice was reading a book when she heard a noise upstairs. Her first thought was to call the police, but she hesitated: *I see the pattern of the paragraph and the reason for it. Personally, I think the _start_ of this introduction would have sounded better as: "Her first thought was to call the police when she heard that sound, but she hesitated." A bit more drawing, I think.

Although the prose doesn't align completely with my personal taste, you do a good job establishing the over-thinking neuroticism of Alice.

*She had a fleeting thought while climbing the stairs but banished it: *End the sentence there. (And I think you could have done better than "fleeting thought." Notion? Premonition?)

*...And it was pointless to even wish it so:* I'm having a little trouble swallowing this line. Pointless to wish what? That Jim would help her in his ghostly form? Why? Because Alice doesn't believe in ghosts? Then why even bring it up? Am I even on the right track here?

---Reading further, there are lines that make it clear that Alice is unsure of herself on a number of levels, but this line remains, itself, uncertain to me.

*As she came to the landing at the halfway point where the stairs turned to climb the other direction...:* Ask yourself: is the structure of the staircase important enough to chew this much attention? Symbolic? If so, try this: "As she came to the point where the stairs turned [left, right]." Eliminate whatever details do not factor into the symbolic nature of the sentence.

*Piles of boxes filled the small space and a single bulb hung from an overhead socket:* Are you sure these two descriptions should be in one sentence?

*Soon she was behind the desk staring at a sheet of paper that was threaded into it: *Threaded into the desk?

*It didn't seem important anymore: *"without bothering" was enough to get this point across. And why any emphasis at all, anyway? Is there a symbolic reason for lights no longer mattering?

*The stars were just beginning to come out: *Shouldn't read in the dark... but lights apparently don't matter anymore...

I liked Alice--- there was a lot to show she was coming undone and would soon expire. It might have been a smoother experience had I known from the start that she was old, and not merely demented.

My biggest problem is that the letter didn't seem worth defying the laws of nature to produce. Or perhaps I was confused by it. I'm looking at the facts you laid out:

---Alice will be with Jim soon.

---Alice hadn't cried _since _Jim's passing. So she did cry _then_... does she need to let it out _again_? And why would she have to if comforted by the presence of her husband and the assurance that she will be with him again soon? You seem like you tried to exploit both possibilities.

*...the day I remembered best:* Jim really never told her these things before? In sixty years? How close could they had been?

A minor thing that vexes me is the title, but that's really a personal thing. Putting "loved" and "most" in the same sentence only reminds me why the divorce rate is what it is. Glad it worked for them though.

The attempt is there, but it felt a little hollow to me.


*Anonymous
"The Light"
Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13/20
*

*"Shut the window, Eddie. You're letting all the damn heat out," he said, voice straining: *"He said..." should be after the first sentence of dialogue. And try to articulate in "said" line that the voice is coming from downstairs, to help us see what's going on all the sooner. Given the personality of this man, I would like to see something a touch more threatening. For example:

---Using the name of the person to whom you're speaking ("Shut the window, Eddie,") conveys empathy--- a personal connection--- which you don't want from a slovenly drunk.

---"You're letting all the damn heat out" could be coming from rip roaring anger (in a PG movie) or from minor aggravation. As this is the very first line in the story, you want establishment. Make this man frighten me.

*...couldn't be trusted around girls nor animals:* "Or." _Or_: "Could be trusted neither around girls nor animals." But I think the latter would be over-worded.

*...resignation of a native washwoman: *"Washwoman" is fine on its own. No clever adjectives needed.

*...strong arms and big hands that were like bench-top vices: *Ellipsing can be a powerful tool. (In other words, get rid of the underlined).

*Hoping he wouldn't come upstairs like last time: *Can't your MC tell that his father is too drunk to lift his head, let alone slam people up against walls? I suppose he did attempt it later on, which still seems a little odd to me...

*He could tell when Eddie had the window open, but he couldn't tell he had food stains all down his shirt:* Watch your pronouns. At first, I thought "he" was Eddie.

*Camry: *I found this little detail mildly distracting: it didn't seem a particularly important detail, so why not just say "car"?

*...and pocketed a pint of Jim Beam...: *New sentence: "I pocketed a pint of Jim Beam." And what exactly does this mean? Did he steal it?

*Dad lay there:* _Where_, exactly?

Such somber tales win effect around this time of year, and you do well in establishing the situation of the main character. I found myself curious as to what further conclusions or decisions he might come, and perplexed by the ending--- even if I do prefer the self-contained approach toward flash-fiction. Overall, a decent work.


*Euripides
"Of Boys Imagination"
Grammar: 3
Voice: 1
Effect: 3
Total: 7/20*


COMMAS!

*He was supposed to be in bed, at least that's where his mom sent him 30 minutes ago:* Underlined is cumbersome to the sentence. And spell out "thirty."

*Overburdened lilac branches: *Overburdened by what? The boys are _beneath_ the branches, not on top of them, right?

*But when John heard the call of a hoot owl three times, followed by the squeal of what sounded like a dying rabbit but was supposed to be a nighthawk, he snuck...:* It's sentences like these that burden your style. I see what you're trying to do--- convey the cutesieness of these clumsy boys. There are better ways of doing this than stretching out your sentences.

---"Awaiting the proud call of a nighthawk, John heard the squeal of a dying rabbit." Not only does this economize the sentence, but "awaiting" implies that the sound is a signal, and you don't have to chew _TWO SENTENCES_ in the next line to explain the joke. In fact, you didn't anyway ("_supposed_ to").

Okay, so it's Billy's turn to hold the telescope... But John gives Billy one of his molasses cookies he "swiped from under his mother's nose" to continue using it... And is any of this necessary to the story?

*...they were determined to spy on the house whenever the light in the attic was on: *Let's keep the focus on _this _night.

*...unaware of the horrors being heaped upon the poor unsuspecting Peter... he gazed at a faded sepia picture of a smiling young couple and touched the face of the young woman in the picture, tears rolling down his cheeks: *So... there _is_ a man named Rasputin who tortures boys while Jensen cries over porn?

Okay, so, in spite of the low score, I do believe there was a moment you had something here. A relationship between two young boys in innocent times is a great place to set your story. The problem? There are two. In the first half, it's the over-wording. In the second, the plot.

When I started reading about their thoughts on this old man, I felt myself being pulled away: like all this development was for naught and now we're looking at the old man's house. If these kids aren't the focus, why so much backstory? Why all the detail about their signaling, his mom's cookies and the Bazooka Joe telescope? And then you start flinging all these characters at me--- Janice, Edward, Peter, Billy's mom, Mrs. Green and her cat, the old man...

A very difficult rule to break in storytelling is not to introduce an important character in the final act of a story. You did that in the last two sentences. And yes, I know there's no Rasputin and Jensen isn't really looking at porn--- but you can see the lack of justice when your "big reveal" occupies the last two sentences and, in essence, has _nothing_ to do with the entire first half of your story.

In a word, you have found yourself in a situation where a few minor weaknesses have resulted in disaster. This is to be expected from the balancing act known as flash, which is why I personally love the practice it provides. Find your voice, keep your focus, and you'll score much higher in the future. Oh, and COMMAS! (And I think "Boys" in your title warranted an apostrophe).


*Foxee
"A light in the Attic"
Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 13/20*


Your style is unique and enjoyable, almost reminiscent of the bible at times, but it could be tighter:

*...beside toes that should have been chubby but were not: *You might have taken the opportunity later, when Christine is described playing with the others, that she noticed their toes were chubby and hers were bony. As for the opener, tell us her name. You sort of drop it on us later on.

*Sounds came up from under the tight-fitted slats of the attic floor and she rested her hand there:* She put her hands _under_ the attic floor? Also, shortening this among other sentences, pinpointing the action, might better serve the somberness of the piece.

Try this:

"Words came through the slats of the attic floor. She rested her hands on them." Now "them" could be the attic floor _and_ the words. _tightly-fitted_ wasn't so necessary, in my opinion, _hands_ makes the act look more naturally childish than a single hand, and _trying to be with them_ is talking down to your reader, suggesting they can't figure out the meaning of the act of placing her hands down.

You make a rather sudden transition in bringing "one of the boys" into focus. He starts out as another part of a long and complex sentence, and in the next paragraph we're supposed to think of him when you say "he."

---In fact, I'm still doubting a connection, as you later refer to this "he" as "Angry _Man_." Was the introduction to this person even more sudden than I thought?

*It wasn't much of a game:* Should have ended with a colon or dash. Not extreme enough to warrant a penalty, though.

*Like a small determined tank: *If you're going to compare an insect to a tank, you've already eliminated any need for the word "determined."

I appreciate that this is written more or less from the perspective of a child (a psychologically damaged one, at that--- and in that, you did fairly well), but the style made this story difficult to put together; almost cryptic. On one hand, I really admire this, as it is the simple story of a girl's troubled life through that very underdeveloped mind. On the other, such crypticness (yes, it's a word) usually leads somewhere, instead of putting together the pieces of a simple story. Also, fewer pronouns and a little more clarity could have made the _intended_ crypticness more enjoyable. It was still interesting; a young person's suffering told in a unique, almost nightmarish way.

I did have to go back and re-read a few parts of this to take it in, so I apologize if I missed any big ideas. Thank you for proofreading. It paid off with a perfect score in grammar.

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=J Anfinson’s scores]

*rockoo315
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15 *

I liked this one, until this part: 



> Peeking into their room, I see two lifeless angels sleeping to their heart's content


 
Lifeless? I thought they were dead at this point. Kinda killed my jolly mood. There's also a widespread problem of switching tense throughout the piece, but while I was engrossed in reading it, I didn't notice it. Anyway, if you plan on doing anything with this, then that's something you'll want to fix. It’s a good story, and if you iron out the problems it would be fantastic.


*danteinhickville
“Black Friday"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 14 *



> Snow blowers in the winter months replaced lawn mowers to cut my peace short, how many times a week is reasonable.


 
You’re posing that last part as a statement instead of a question, which it needs to be. If it were me I’d just rework it into something like: *“It was winter and the ceaseless sound of lawn mowers had been replaced by snow blowers, which ruined what could have been peaceful silence for once. How many times a week is it reasonable to run loud equipment, anyway? I’ll give you a hint—it’s less than four.”*



> convenient store


 
Convenience store



> I walked tormented by blowing snow and people that I’m sure blew even more


 
Needs a comma after “walked”.



> I saw the smirk *my* dressed as Santa


 
I’m guessing you meant to write, “my neighbor”.

Okay, so mechanically this story is a little rough. I hope I haven’t discouraged you with what I’ve said so far. But hey, let me at least say that I like the general idea you have going here. Black Friday shoppers are nuts, in my opinion. No way is it worth it to camp outside a store for three days just to get a deal on a tv. Those people are insane.

I think you captured that insanity well with this piece, although as I pointed out it needs some work to smooth over the rough edges. Overall, not a bad entry.

*Godofwine
“Christmas Eve Break-in"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19 *

I can’t really find much to complain about on this one. The only thing that threw me a little was when it said: 



> a cop bar on Massachusetts


 
It took me a while to figure out you were talking about the name of a street, not the state. I’d assumed it was a typo the first time I read it, so it confused me. You might think about putting the word street, just to keep dummies like me from going cross-eyed.

The action throughout was written quite well, I thought. The ending seemed a little abrupt, but sometimes it can be difficult to wrap these things up within the word limit.

*Staff Deployment
“Little Red Lights"
Judge Entry *

Staffy, your stories are always wildly entertaining, and this one was no less crazy than any other. I thought I was screwed up in the head until I started reading your stuff.  You’ve got a vivid imagination. But really, as far as grammar and all that I don’t see anything wrong with it. This was a fun read.


*Inkwellmachine
“The Process"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19 *



> He held *is* black-tipped fingers up as if it were some sort of lewd gesture.


 
I loved the idea behind this. Other than that one minor nit, it was flawless. Your writing is vivid and entertaining, and there’s a lot people like me could learn from reading it, I think. The way you execute every sentence is fantastic.

*Anonymous
“All the Creatures Were Stirring…Even the Mouse"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19 *

This was a wonderfully written one. It’s vivid, it’s gritty, and the ending was perfect. 



> O Holy Night playing softly in the background


 
Nice touch.



> Saint Nick red to dried blood black


 
I’d reword that part.

Other than that, I loved it.

*Pidgeon84
“Beautiful Curiosity"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17 *



> majesty that tower to the west


 
Majesty that towered to the west.

The story was touching, and mostly well written. The ending was very nicely done, and the prompt tied in nicely.

*midnightpoet
“Ice"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16 *



> It was after *dark* when Roger came home, and the house was *dark* also, until he saw the light in the *attic*. By the time he reached the *attic*


 
The story starts with repetitiveness. Not good, in my eyes. The opening has got to sizzle and make the reader unable to take their eyes away.

The story was okay, but the ending was expected. Well, except for walking into the rain—Tipping your hat to Hemingway, I assume? It made me chuckle a little. I’m not sure if that was your intention.

*Guy Faukes
“A Story of Santa: Into the Shadows"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18 *



> His was hat laid out on boxes of childhood


 
I’m not sure how that’s supposed to read.



> “Bring him to a sled.”


 
“Bring a sled for him”, perhaps? Other than that, I loved the story. This was a wild interpretation of Santa’s organization, and I could see this possibly turning into a longer work.

*J Anfinson
“When I Loved You the Most"
Spelling/Grammar: N/A
Tone/Voice: N/A
Effect: N/A
Overall: 500,000 * 

*Anonymous
“The Light"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 16 *

While the grammar and tone was fine, I’m sorry to say part of this story I didn’t understand. What was the point of Eddie having to keep the light on? Maybe it just went over my head, I don’t know.



> He could tell when Eddie had the window open, but couldn’t tell he had food stains all down his shirt and a spilled glass of liquor on his TV tray.


 
Nice. I like that image.

This is one of those stories that I wish I could fully understand, because I have a feeling I would love it if I did. But I try to score based on what I think as a reader more than mechanics, so I wish I could have scored it higher.


*Euripides
“Of Boys Imagination"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17 *

I liked this one. It brings back memories of my own childhood, where there was a creepy old man that lived near me. Looking back at it as an adult, he was surely just as nice as any other human being, but it’s funny how children can get the idea they’re living next to an axe-murderer. The ending was pretty rushed, though. I think I would have tried to cut something in order to extend that.



> Janice was also sure he ate mice, killed cats and targeted little boys. They thought this silly until Janice reminded them of Mrs. Greene’s cat that went missing last month, and the neighborhood boy, Edward, who stopped going to school a couple of days later. Billy’s mom said Edward was in the hospital from polio, not from anything Mr. Jensen did. But Janice, with the authority of a teenage girl just sniffed, “That’s what the adults want us to believe.”


 
Great characterization here.

Not a bad entry at all.


*Foxee
“A Light in the Attic"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19 *

This one sort of leaves me speechless. I’m not sure whether it’s that it makes me sad, or that it makes me mad that some kids get abused like this. 

The only thing that could have made this story better, IMO, is if you would have let me into the girl’s mind so I could see what she was thinking. Bring the point of view in closer so I can feel her pain, and I’d bet this story could push me to tears. Regardless, thanks for the wonderful read.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Staff Deployment’s scores]

*Rockoo13
"untitled"
Overall: 14*

Well-written, and aside from some formatting issues didn't have any apparent spelling and grammar issues. However, the story offered no conclusion. No plot, in fact — no characters with distinct personality, beyond the vague assertion of a mother and a father and a child. Nothing to make them distinct.

Though the story seemed autobiographical, it did not suggest any development that would justify capturing this moment in time beyond the nostalgia of the author, even though that moment itself was very sweet.


*Danteinhickville
"Black Friday"
Overall: 19*

I liked every bitterly-spat phrase and deliberately twisted sentence. The narrator of the story felt like he was snarling the entire time, and the ending was wrapped in deliciously dark humour.

I have little more than praise.


*godofwine
"Christmas Eve Break-In"
Overall: 15*

The phrase "a little too cliché for his tastes" is in itself perhaps a little too cliché for my tastes. While the story itself held up in grammatical and structural conventions—introducing a complex character then thrusting him in a situation out of his element—there was no _weight_ to any of it. The word choice was rushed and non-descriptive. Past the halfway point, there was little but generic actions and movement.

The ending was unexpected, yet it had no shock value. There was too much explanation and "sequel-hookiness" to it.


*Staff Deployment
"Little Red Lights"
Overall: --*

This was my story.


*InkwellMachine
"The Process"
Overall: 20*

Yes. This story was good enough to hold back the darkness for a while. It was brilliantly executed. It is my favourite. 100%.


*Anonymous
"All the Creatures Were Stirring...Even the Mouse"
Overall: 20*

The title, admittedly, is horrible. I was worried. I cringed in expectation of some overly-sentimental christmas story about family and togetherness and tongue-in-cheek Dad Jokes. Instead I got a beautifully-atmospheric piece with a brilliant twist that I figured out at the precise moment I needed to—literally the second before he strapped on his murder-gloves. All the pieces fell into place right when they should have.

We need more stories like this.


*Pidgeon84
"Beautiful Curiosity"
Overall: 13*

It will be enough, I told myself. It's awkward, but the grammar is solid and the mood has been set, and the narrator has been explored in a manner both concise and detailed.

But the story rushed through its emotional heart with nary a passing glance, skipping any hint at a relationship in favour of stilted As-You-Know dialogue segments and a spoken-word story with no evident meaning or context beyond providing a brief and unsatisfying contrast. Such a story would be better-suited to longer-form narrative where it would have time to explore these interesting characters and their connection to one another, but there just didn't seem to be enough here in such a short story.


*Midnightpoet
"Ice"
Overall: 16*

What was immediately obvious was the obliviousness of the characters and the way the story summed up intense emotional trauma and life-changing events with a few passing matter-of-fact sentences. The tone was almost ... facetious.

But facetiousness isn't bad. It definitely wasn't boring.


*Guy Faukes
"A Story of Santa: Into the Shadows"
Overall: 17*

Almost there. Almost. The set-up was perfect, the world was crafted well, the elements were juggled excellently. But the end fell flat. There was no resolution, and too many new twists were added to make it anything less than ambiguous.


*J Anfinson
"When I Loved You the Most"
Overall: --*

I enjoyed the story immensely. It may have been sentimental and it may have been a bit manipulative, but I thought it was very well written and it had great pacing.


*Anonymous
"The Light"
Overall: 18*

Not perfect—too many awkward word-choices, and too much over-the-top ridiculous vilification of the dad. Yet still, the ending was good. It saw it coming. It knew it was going to happen, and that's why it liked it. The _inevitability_ of it was key.

This was a good story.


*Euripides
"Of Boys Imagination"
Overall: 13*

The focus of this story wasn't quite right. There was a sense of holding back and of not telling all that needed to be said. Underneath, the intention was good: nostalgia, young boys telling stories about creepy neighbours, and the sad twist. But it wasn't executed with finesse or subtlety.


*Foxee
"A Light in the Attic"
Overall: 19*

I felt a warm glow in the way the story was written — it mashed metaphor and perception and details that were omitted, spiralling into a sad story about the death of a little girl. There was no twist needed, just a beetle. And apparently swings.

This was a good ending to this month's competition. I liked it a lot. It felt less explicit than most of the other ones on this list and I liked how it played around and exploited the point of view to good effect.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Gavrushka’s scores]

*rockoo315
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:13*

Although it was an enjoyable read, the grammar did jar in places. It did feel like a personal recollection more than a work of fiction, but that has no impact on my score. The opening line felt clumsy with the use of mystery and mystified. I think this would have been a lot better if it had been left a day, and then read once more. I did like the way the prompt was introduced and how it became the focus of the piece.


*danteinhickville**
“Black Friday"
Spelling/Grammar: 3 
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall:13*

There were some glimpses of good prose in this piece, and I could see how it could have been so much more if it had been a little more coherent. – Referring to a person as a ‘that’ rather than who / whom is not going to impress a reader.

Please don’t be disheartened, as you’ve a bucket filled to overflowing with imagination. If you improve the technical side of your writing, you could be clambering a lot higher up the leader board. 

__
_*godofwine*_*
“Christmas Eve Break-in"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15*

I enjoyed this, and was surprised by the ending. There were a couple of commas missing, and too much reliance on adverbs, but I appreciate you were working to 650 words (and you used every one of them!!) I don’t think you made the most of what should have been a suspenseful search through the house, and I feel you should have robbed a few words from the introduction so you had more to play with at the end – Also, it did read as a bit factual as he moved through the house.
__
_*Staff Deployment*_*
“Little Red Lights"
Judge Entry*

I thought this was a strong, well written story, and perhaps because of that, what I saw as a wobble tore me away from it: “Its eyes widened at a sudden thought, and I could swear...”  Good use of separating sentences from paragraphs for emphasis. I just hope that damned critter does not eat the bloke’s daughter.

__
_*InkwellMachine*_*
“The Process"
Spelling/Grammar:4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:17*

You know, I hadn’t a clue what was going on, and I read it back a second and third time, but was none the wiser –BUT it didn’t matter. It was entertainment from beginning to end, with some lovely images conjured in my mind as I read on. – One issue that grated a little was the ‘almost’ of the operator – He almost jumped, and he almost laughed. – It stood out as uncomfortable for me, but that is a tiny irk.
__
_*Anonymous*_*
“All the Creatures Were Stirring…Even the Mouse"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 7
Overall:15.5*

I struggled with this one. It was a well written story, but did not feel believable. – I’d guessed the conclusion far too soon, and there seemed to be an inconsistency or two. – I did not quite follow how he had spent the last nine years with his family at Christmas and yet he was the murderer. – The prose are good, the style and grammar great, but I couldn’t get inside the story. 

__
_*Pidgeon84*_*
“Beautiful Curiosity"
Spelling/Grammar:3.5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:14.5*

The abrupt sentences in the opening paragraph were likely your intent, but it left me feeling a slight ambiguity between the peaceful scene you described and those short sentences. There were times when I thought there were tense issues, but I wasn’t 100%. I struggled with ‘three loud bangs pounded at my door,’ as an image formed of a trio of bangs knocking Hell out of the door, rather than what you really meant. I think the last two paragraphs were powerful, and outshone the rest of the piece, and I loved the final line!   

__
_*midnightpoet*_*
“Ice"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:13.5*


The first line felt clumsy. I’d wanted to read ‘apart from the light in the attic’. Been an old git who has lived a sheltered life, I had to guess what some of the terminology meant. Of course, this in no way affected the score. The pace of the piece was good, and it felt quite coherent as a story and I enjoyed reading it. The eyes swell with tears... I guess eyes can do that, but it felt too close to ‘eyes well with tears’, which is a well used phrase.

__
_*Guy Faukes*_*
“A Story of Santa: Into the Shadows"
Spelling/Grammar:3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall:16*

Oh boy, I sure did enjoy this as a story. – You’ve an imagination as broad as it is sinister. – As it was so enjoyable, grammar oopses did irritate... ‘His was hat laid...’ being the worst. – I’d thought the Council of Elves should have been capitalised, and I knew what you meant by a flurried night, but it didn’t sound right. (You described the night in a similar fashion twice) – But stuff all that, you do story telling well, and that’s the best place from which to start.

__
_*J Anfison*_*
“When I Love You the Most"
Judge Entry*

That was an emotional sucker punch, you cad! LOL... It did its job for sure, and had my ickle lower lip trembling! Some of the prose did not flow as well as it perhaps should have. ‘She ascended to the door’ was not the right sentence at that point, I feel. You used hesitantly and desperately when I’d wanted more, and I feel you could have robbed a few words from the first couple of paragraphs if you were word-limited.  A very, very strong second half I feel was let down by a weaker opening. 

__
_*Anonymous Entry*_*
 “The Light"
Spelling/Grammar:4.5 
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 7
Overall:16*

It was well written and with a lot of imagery to clothe the story,  and it was a pleasant read. I felt some of the sentences were carrying too heavy a burden, and it did detract a little from my enjoyment. – I felt like the author was trying too hard at times, and the effect would have been greater if they’d throttled back just a little. I wanted to know more about what happened to the father, but realise that this is outside the scope of the story.

__
_*Euripides*_*
“Of Boys Imagination"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*

I bet you had a squeaky bum moment as you finished your edits with less than two minutes of grace left!  ...Oh, I enjoyed this story. You really did capture the friendship of the two boys, and done in such a benign way. – It took me back to my childhood, especially the reference to Janice’s authority (I had two older sisters!).  Finishing with the old man’s perspective was an inspired and touching finale.  

__
_*Foxee*_*
“A Light In the Attic"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9.5
Overall:18.5*

How do you even begin to review a piece like this, when the words you’ve read dissolve into the image of a small girl alone and hungry in the attic is all that remains? I cannot fault it, and I cannot forget it. The little girl’s perspective was captured perfectly. I know this is supposed to be a critique, but I can’t find fault.

__
[/spoiler2]


----------



## escorial

congrats to the winner


----------



## Pluralized

Nice work, InkwellMachine. I suspected you'd win. Folcro, you're a monster with the critiques! Nice job dude. 

Congrats to Foxee and Fleshy as well. Onward to 2014!


----------



## Staff Deployment

_"A few obvious spelling mistakes"_?! Why I oughta ... !
Kidding.

I liked this month's competition. I'm glad I was a judge this round. I am not in the slightest surprised that Inkwell won.

EDIT: Godofwine's average score should be 14.5, if I calculated that in my head correctly


----------



## InkwellMachine

That's a good feeling, it is. Something like affirmation that it's not so difficult to read my writing after all.

Folcro, you are indeed beastly with your critiques, but you're a special kind of beast. For you, the teeth always kill with the first strike. That's talent. You can peg nearly all the important problems on the first go, and articulate them well. I'll be coming back to you with my writing probably for as long as the internet will stand to let me.

Staff, you sweet and syrupy thing. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the kind words.

J Anfinson, you flatter me. I can openly disagree and tell you that I do not think the piece is flawless, though that doesn't change the great warmth that welled up in my chest while reading that comment. Thank you.

Gavrushka, I'm glad you found the piece entertaining, and you're right. I could have used some alternate phrasing to express his responses more accurately (or at least give him a bit of variety). To be honest, I had no idea what this was about when I started writing it. I just hammered it out in half an hour or so and posted. Totally experimental, mostly an exercize in dialogue. If I wrote it again, I cut a bit of the conversation back to make room for the ending, which I regret wasn't even really there. This would have undoubtedly boded a bit better with Folcro, too.

Fin, thanks as always. These LMs are a great service to all the writers involved (even--especially--the judges). It's a good thing you do for this forum, and I can't in good conscience write a comment like this without expressing my gratitude. So thank you.

As always, it was a good show. FleshEater and Foxee gave me a bit of a run for my money, and I don't know how they didn't run me down. All the same, it was good to read what they write, and better to have my writing intermingled with that of others. 

Congrats to the runners-up, thank you to the judges and fin, and merry Christmas everyone.


----------



## Foxee

Thank you Folcro, J Anfinson, Staff Deployment, and Gavrushka for doing the heavy lifting on this challenge! (J Anfinson, nice try on giving yourself a few points, Fin's everywhere, though... everywhere!)

Inkwellmachine, this line:


> The great light atop the structure throbbed like a lure in the ocean  depths, drawing stray ideas out of the passing flock for harvest.


...I really love. What great imagery! Good win, congrats.

Nice job from Flesheater, too, you and your scary stories. On Christmas! Of course, horror writers are the guys who decorate their Christmas trees with zombie figurines (yes, knew a guy who did this).

Thanks to everyone who wrote, too. The LM is one of my favorite parts of WF and if people don't jump in and write it won't be much of a thing. Great job to all, Merry Christmas.


----------



## midnightpoet

Congrats to the winner.  I enjoyed the story, and there were several good ones here. I almost didn't post, wasn't satisfied with the result.  I actually wrote two stories, I thought this was better, but not by much; however, since I always learn something about my prose, I posted it anyway.  I appreciate all the comments, at my age (I'll be 70 Jan 1st) I'm used to harsh criticism (My first wife was REALLY good at it).


----------



## FleshEater

Congratulations Inkwell and Foxee! Well deserved! And thank you to the judges for donating your time and effort. If it weren't for you, there'd be no reason for this fun little competition!

Folcro: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy my story as much as I'd liked. I was shooting for a pulpy kind of character, and really just wanted to have fun and write a Christmas horror story; since I had never traveled down that road before. 

I must say, I used to view pieces as you do. And then I read this quote by Neil Gaiman, and it changed how I read and critiqued another writer's work: "Remember: when people tell you something's wrong or doesn't work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong."

This isn't a hit against you, just some food for thought. 

J. Anfinson: I'm gald you enjoyed my story! Thank you for the kind words!

Staff Deployment: I had expected you to tear my story apart. I don't know why, but I thought that a religious theme may have germinated itself, and that was not my intent. I'm glad that didn't happen.  Your critique had me nervous at first, and by the time it ended I was smiling ear to ear. The title I chose for the piece was absolute garbage. It's nice to see that you thought the same. Ha-ha! However, it's also nice that it was misleading, and in turn ended up surprising you. 

Gavrushka: I'm not sure what you mean about not being with his family on prior Christmas'. Most likely he went and committed the crimes earlier in the day on other Christmas' after opening gifts, and was back home in time for dinner. Many serial killers lead normal lives, and actually do some murdering during normal events. BTK comes to mind. In 650 words I wasn't going to paint an entire historical account of his murders, but I tried my best to sum up the story. As with Folcro, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it as much as I'd liked.


----------



## FleshEater

Inkwell and Foxee: I just saw your comments. Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot. And yes, Foxee, I love Christmas horror stories as much as any other. It was a blast to write, and that's all that matters.


----------



## midnightpoet

Hey go easy on Folcro, I think he's practicing to be the next Simon Cowell.


----------



## Gavrushka

FleshEater said:


> Gavrushka: I'm not sure what you mean about not being with his family on prior Christmas'. Most likely he went and committed the crimes earlier in the day on other Christmas' after opening gifts, and was back home in time for dinner. Many serial killers lead normal lives, and actually do some murdering during normal events. BTK comes to mind. In 650 words I wasn't going to paint an entire historical account of his murders, but I tried my best to sum up the story. As with Folcro, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it as much as I'd liked.



Horror is not my preferred genre, and I can see how that puts your entry at a disadvantage. All I know of serial killers is summed up in the paragraph above, and I think when you drew attention to the fact he couldn't be with his family this year, the inference for me was that this year was different to the others. Of the four judges, I'm the only one that felt that way and I think that says all you need to know. - It was good prose, very good and I recognise what a difficult task you'd set yourself considering the 650 words you had to play with.


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## Folcro

FleshEater said:


> I must say, I used to view pieces as you do. And then I read this quote by Neil Gaiman, and it changed how I read and critiqued another writer's work: "Remember: when people tell you something's wrong or doesn't work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong."



I'm guessing Neil didn't like direct criticism . Anyway, I did enjoy the piece, but for the sake of the writer I tend to dwell on the things I don't like (I wonder if Niel had something to say for when a person tells you something is done exactly right, hm...). It was well written, and I think, given more space to write, you could produce dark works with really great, even unforgettable characters. 

Sorry if you didn't enjoy my critique as much as I would have liked


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## FleshEater

Gavrushka said:


> Of the four judges, I'm the only one that felt that way and I think that says all you need to know.



Not at all! After further explaining your point, you're absolutely right. I should have written something like, "Tonight would be different though, his family would have to wait." Because really, what's the chances of a murder being discovered the same exact night or day that it's committed. Usually it takes a few days for someone to be noticed missing, or a smell to accumulate, then the coroner estimates a time of death.



Folcro said:


> I'm guessing Neil didn't like direct criticism . Anyway, I did enjoy the piece, but for the sake of the writer I tend to dwell on the things I don't like (I wonder if Niel had something to say for when a person tells you something is done exactly right, hm...). It was well written, and I think, given more space to write, you could produce dark works with really great, even unforgettable characters.
> 
> Sorry if you didn't enjoy my critique as much as I would have liked



You're missing the point. There is no right way when it comes to writing. My voice will never sound like yours, and vice versa. You picked out a lot of my sentences and criticized them for having commas rather than periods. That's all personal preference. I enjoy fragments, and I enjoy run on sentences. However, what I don't like is a paragraph of all short sentences, and/or a paragraph of all long sentences. So, I shoot for a balance in my writing. 

Every writer will write a sentence differently. It's what makes us special. 

I enjoyed your critique. There's always something to learn.


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## Folcro

FleshEater said:


> You picked out a lot of my sentences and criticized them for having commas rather than periods. That's all personal preference.



I'm sure you would have been upset had I taken grammar points off for these things. You would have a right to have been. So I'm glad I didn't  And I'm glad you're open minded enough to see the opportunity to learn from a different perspective. (Now that I think about it, according to Neil, I would have been wrong  about your sentence structure and right about your ending. Since no  points were taken for that on which I was wrong, fair seems fair... according to Neil).

And Inkwell, I'll hold you to that. It feels like an age since I've seen anything else of yours. Congratulations on your win, buddy.

And Plur, as yours was a personal story, I hope I wrote nothing in my critique that might have upset you. It was a good story. With more time and space, that can be something really great. And surely, the same can probably be said for most of the entries.


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## FleshEater

Folcro said:


> I'm sure you would have been upset had I taken grammar points off for these things. You would have a right to have been. So I'm glad I didn't  And I'm glad you're open minded enough to see the opportunity to learn from a different perspective.



I would have understood. Like I said, I've been there before.  Even though you didn't count those against me, I think they may have impacted how you read and experienced the story. Every little nitpick would have been there, right on your shoulder, poking you in the neck while you read. Been there, and know the feeling. Those pesky little buggers are impossible to push aside until you're done reading.

In the end, I appreciate your time and your critique. Every critical word spoken about a writers work is worth something.


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## Folcro

I assure you, Flesh, and all contestants, that I can compartmentalize my nitpicks (many that there are) from my enjoyment of a story. And If I may add, your story, Flesh, was among those I enjoyed the most.


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## J Anfinson

Foxee said:


> (J Anfinson, nice try on giving yourself a few points, Fin's everywhere, though... everywhere!)



I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddelsome kids and their mutt.


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## godofwine

To the rest of the judges, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to judge my story and I will take your points, both good and bad, and use them in hopes of growing into a much more polished writer. Congratulations to the winner and all of those who submitted I applaud you.

Folcro, you call that a critique? This is the second story in a row you have ripped to shreds saying that I should have written it this way or should have used this technique, or this POV, or started story here and went from that point, or had the protagonist crying at the end due to the confliction he felt. This isn't: How I would have written A Light in the Attic, but an objective not subjective critique of the submitted story. If you wanted the story "As you would have written it" then you should have given up the judge's cap and submitted a story yourself. This isn't, "What I would have done" (subjective) but rather judging what I wrote (objective). Here is why I wrote what I did. 

The sandman, like Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream (bum bum bum bum...). I don't know, maybe capitalizing and italicizing was improper, but to say that I made the casual expression seem like a crime boss was over the top. he was sleepy and didn't want to end up in a fiery wreck because of it. The names  (Front Page Tavern, Massachusetts, Indiana, Marjorie) were the names of actual places and street locations. Yes. I should have added Street or Avenue to make it less confusing, but check J Anfinson’s critique of my story to see how you should have worded it. I use actual locations in my stories. Real places that you can visit yourself, which is why those names are important. Marjorie was the character's ex-wife, so he was going through his thought process of just who would be in his home. The setting is leaving the bar, going to the house (seeing the light) and the house being the final setting. 

*No need to warm the truck for a ten-minute drive: *What is this sentence doing here?

This sentence is to give the reader an idea of time, how far the bar was from his house. 

*Unsnapped his holster, parked two doors down, extracted and pocketed keys, withdrew 9mm, exited the vehicle: *Very procedural. But you forgot "and called for backup." Are all the cops of Indianapolis back at the Front Page Tavern on Massachussets?

Procedural - he's a cop. They live on procedure. Parking down the street (so that the perp wouldn't know that he was home or hear his truck in the driveway). Later he checked every room of his house room-by-room, SOP, standard operating procedure. As far as calling for backup, he is a cop with a gun, not an scared defenseless civilian. He'd have called the cops if he was overwhelmed, but this was his house and he, like any cop, was adequately trained to defend it alone with his 9mm. Have you ever seen the cops on Law & Order call for back-up on their own houses before walking them first? Have you ever watched a cop drama? You don't want someone coming up behind you so you clear the house per SOP.

*A monumental mistake: *How does he know he'll end up having to shoot the burglar? It almost sounds like this professionally-trained city cop is going to kill because he can. Merry Christmas...

As a cop, if someone breaks in your house it is like trying to rob a cop at gunpoint. A monumental mistake. he doesn't know that he will have to shoot the burglar, but, as the saying goes, "Rather be caught with it than caught without it," he had his gun out because you go into an unknown situation prepared for the worst. Does he know that the burglar(s) are unarmed? No. If you notice later, he didn't blindly fire into the attic, but viewed the scene and did not shoot.

*...And he couldn't remember when he'd last used it: *A sentence can not exist for the sole purpose of foreshadow. It has to also belong to the moment. With that in mind, why is he trying to remember the last time he used an old cellar door at a moment like this?

Completely normal to wonder, "was this broken open or did I leave this open?" Situational awareness leads you to this question. He is attempting to diagnose the situation, the point of egress or entry. Again, watch any cop drama.

*He closed his eyes and knelt for thirty seconds:* Is this police procedure--- closing one's eyes when approaching a possible burglary on one's own?

Darkness causes a period of adjustment. Kneeling outside before entering the house gets the eyes adjusted to the darkness of the dark basement before stepping into what could be a dangerous situation, like checking your ammo before you enter a firefight because you wouldn't do it in the middle. Check online how much time is needed to adjust to the darkness. Being prior military i guessed at 30 second, but checked my hypothesis after completing the short story and it was correct. had he just went down into the basement he would have been blind for all intents and purposes until his eyes adjusted to the darkness. If the perp was there, the bad guy would have had the advantage. Again, cop dramas and military experience. Plus, I eluded to it two sentences later (context clues). 

*Disappeared into the basement:* The POV is Walter's. Is he watching himself disappear?

This is in 3rd person, isn't it?

*Somebody had definitely been inside: *Hadn't we already established this?

It was assumed by the open cellar door, but not confirmed. He was unsure whether the cellar door was left open due to him leaving it open and I noted no evidence of a perp in the basement. The only confirmation was the open door that he KNEW was closed. Unsure if I left it locked, sure that I left this door closed = confirmation.

*He locked the cellar door to prevent someone from sneaking behind him: *Is this why he closed his eyes earlier? And wouldn't the burglar(s) had come up from behind him by now if they were in the basement? And does the door really lock from the outside?

I already explained why he closed his eyes. He didn't know if there were others, whether they had taken his belongings to an outside vehicle and were on their way back in. He assumed nothing, but protected himself just in case. Again, cop behavior. And he locked the door to from the cellar to the kitchen from the kitchen so that he could proceed upstairs and not have to worry about someone potentially coming up behind him, and also why he cleared the first floor. 

*Walter Claytor was a cop to the end: *Then I hope, for the sake of Indianapolis, that the end is near. Seriously though, this is another sentence that does not need to be here. At this point in the story, the reader can determine what sort of cop they think Walter is. Nothing you can do now will change that. And bear in mind that my thoughts on Claytor are not an affront to your style. To be honest, I'm enjoying how helplessly brainless this guy is, who takes himself so seriously.

Why is this important? Because most people would have run toward the sound completely neglecting the second floor which hadn't been cleared yet making it possible for someone to come behind him. Cops follow procedure, and he resisted temptation, a natural temptation, and followed procedure. The "end is near comment from you is unnecessary, as your comment at how brainless he is. Your, "not affront to your style" is akin to saying, "No offense" just before you say something offensive. 

*If he'd missed anyone he'd hear the doors open behind him: *Walter might be stupid enough to require this explanation. I'm not. And you're missing another comma.

Not to sound like a broken record, but "twenty-four years of police training" and "'you picked the wrong damned house, you son-of-a...'" wrapped up in the same sentence resonates so poorly in my mind. Maybe that's just how they do it in Indie.

Was it "cop movie cliche" Maybe. But yelling out something would not be far from normal I don't believe. Maybe even an attempt to startle to give him a bit of an advantage. I wouldn't do anything differently. 

*Homeless Black woman:* Was this to make her sound poorer?

And your condescension knows no bounds. Was describing her as a Black woman unnecessary? Maybe. But I didn't describe him, height, weight, burly moustache, etc, but I tried to add a tad to the description to help the reader see what he saw. I could have been more vague, but chose not to be. She happened to be Black, I didn't make her Black to make her seem poorer. What's wrong with you?


*"Ouch": *Is this the sound of labor? Whatever happened to that unearthly, guttural shriek from before? Why can't I see her sweating, heaving, gasping for air, crying... And why isn't she in a hospital? Is this homeless woman afraid the medical bill is going to take all the money she doesn't have? Is everybody in this story brain-dead?

I must say that I'm having trouble understanding why you wrote this. Alright, the woman's pregnant. Is Walter going to take her to a hospital? Deliver the baby? Shoot her? Drop a knee and close his eyes for thirty seconds? What are you telling me?

You could have salvaged extra points barring grammar. There were a host of missing commas, two run-on sentences (or missing words that made them seem as such), and a miscapital (disregarding how important you felt the word "Black" was).

To have made this story effective, everything you wrote should be condensed into a paragraph, delivered through the spinning mind of a frightened cop (in first person, perhaps). No _Sandman_, no Front Page Tavern, no fiery crash, no botched special forces tactics, no Marjorie. Let the story focus on what Walter does when he realizes the woman's predicament. Instead of showing me how clueless he is as a cop, show me how clueless he is with childbirth. You got me a little curious to see what would happen, but I was expecting a letdown. As it stands, the story does not work.

Ouch. She was midsentence and a small contraction hit garnering a small reaction. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? Some contractions are heavy, some not so much. He noticed her clothing, he shoes, and her race because he had just searched his house for what he assumed was a burglar and the reality was a pregnant woman, who happened to be Black, coming in to escape the cold weather on Christmas Eve. 

Why did she go to the attic? I don't know. Honestly, when I first read the "A light in the attic" line it was the first thought that I had. Maybe subconsciously I thought of a Black baby Jesus born on Christmas as she was giving birth on Christmas Eve going into Christmas and the light of the attic symbolizing the star. Like I said, it just came to me. Questioning why I wrote this, are you serious? I don't need to salvage anything from you being that you and your condescending tone have no idea what constructive criticism is, critique as though the person who wrote it should have followed YOUR direction on how to write THEIR story which is preposterous. I could have started at the drive home and not included the bar; I could have left out the clue on how far the bar was from his home; could have done many things, but I chose the path I did and I was pleased at how it turned out.

The missing commas, I get it. Commas confuse me, and if you wanted to educate me on where to properly place commas that would be fine. An A and a B in Honors English 1010 & 1020 still left me a tad confused so I simply guess, but your negativity is palpable considering your harsh assessment and overly critical words. My run-on sentences - eh, got me there. "Let the story focus on what Walter does when he realizes the woman's predicament. Instead of showing me how clueless he is as a cop, show me how clueless he is with childbirth. You got me a little curious to see what would happen, but I was expecting a letdown. As it stands, the story does not work."

I was expecting a letdown? You have surpassed critiquing and graduated to pure cruelty, which is unacceptable in this forum, or it should be. Am I a professional writer? No. But your scores of my work were 6 (December) and 8.75 (November) points behind the lowest judge in those two contests. Your inflammatory words and tone have no place here and the next time there is a contest and you are judging I will think twice before entering...no. I'm not going to let you win. Ironically I saw Finding Forrester again this weekend and this clip reminded me of you. Maybe you should no longer judge. I can take a critique. I can take constructive criticism and the other kind due to my military experience. But there may be a potential writer on here who isn't as thick-skinned as I am and you could potentially crush their spirit, and this is why I took the time to speak up. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSnraJOeOyM


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## Gavrushka

...


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## Folcro

I'll admit--- "expecting a letdown" was harsh: I should have clarified that, given the build up and the fact that there wasn't much room to flesh out anything more than a "punchline" ending, very few writers, myself not included, I shouldn't think, could have pulled something off, the set up to which was on you.

As for everything else, none of your retorts have changed my mind. Consider or ignore. But you might learn something.

And please, everyone on here with a brain understands that how low I score is irrelevant--- so long as I am fair. And I am.

One more thing: I critiqued your work. Never you. Such things like "those who can't do, critique" are far harsher than anything I have said. But I accept your challenge and look forward to competing with you this January. Fair enough?

Edit: Thank you for striking the insult


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## Pluralized

It does us good to thicken our skin; this competition demands honest and thorough critique. I do understand the sting, though. It sucks to put your work out there and feel like it was stomped on. It's happened to all of us - except those that consistently win the thing - at one time or another.

godofwine - I thought your post was really eloquent and legitimate. You write really well!

Folcro - you're a good judge - if heavy-handed and hardcore. Speaking from personal experience, my first go-round judging was brutal; I thrashed the work to bits, came down really hard on the obviously non-native english speakers, and scored a few under ten points. Some of those people left the forum since, and I don't mind telling you that I think I played a part in that, and I feel really bad. At the end of the day we have an obligation (especially if you call yourself a "mentor") to help people grow and learn. Super heavy-duty critique stings, and until you've learned how to inure yourself to it, it can drive you away from creative writing. Food for thought.


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## Folcro

Pluralized said:


> At the end of the day we have an obligation (especially if you call yourself a "mentor") to help people grow and learn. Super heavy-duty critique stings, and until you've learned how to inure yourself to it, it can drive you away from creative writing. Food for thought.



You make a very good point, Plur, but how to make someone better is subjective. My stride in this should be evident in the fact that I critique the work, not the worker. I'm not sure if it was Fin's idea, but the contest makes it very easy to ignore the comments of certain judges. Those who want to see it can, those who feel they may not be able to handle it can move on without clicking. I don't think I need any citations to reveal that there are many who find my critiques most useful, and I thoroughly enjoy doing it. 

Perhaps a disclaimer on the nature of the judge might be in order at the onset of these contests, making things clearer. But I feel I would be doing a disservice to the writer if I did not disclose my thoughts as best I could, and make my points as clear as possible. Perhaps such a thing could also be included in my personal disclaimer should such a thing ever come about.

I do not do this because I want to hurt anyone. I do it because I want to make them better. But given the work I put in to this, it baffles me that anyone could think otherwise. But perhaps that is my fault. I do not plan on changing my methods in critiquing, but perhaps to somehow make others more aware of my intentions are in order.


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## Pluralized

I think there's something to be said for consistency of expectation, which foments participation. I recall moderan (long-beloved denizen of this place, who left a while back) saying how he scored between 15 and 20, no matter what. Think of that what you will, but having spent a great deal of time reading the archives, your low scores are an aberration.

That being said, I mean no offense - you're totally entitled to judge however you wish. It's just we shouldn't forget the "fun" part o' this thing. (Also you should remember that if you're a judge, it's damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't).


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## Folcro

It's an interesting idea--- to disassociate the critique from the number. Perhaps I will take that into consideration when next I judge. Still, I don't think it is the score that offends inasmuch as the critique, and I do try to leave higher numbers on reserve for the exceptional. I am stricter as a judge than elsewhere on the forums, but there are reasons for that. Many things to consider until my return.

 But this thread is hardly about me, so I'll leave it at that.


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## Pluralized

Hey, it's really good of you to judge in the first place, and everyone appreciates your time and energy. For sure. It's not about the number, not about the critique, but more about the overall picture. We all want people to participate, and there comes a point where we can dissuade members from doing so if we're heavy-handed. I know a little bit about that, having received PM's from members that were put off by my judging. Not that I changed my opinion, but I did change my approach a little bit. It's possible to be fair and thorough and still be uplifting. I think we all want to find that balance, or at least I do. 

I received one particularly harsh critique of a story that I felt was pretty good, back a few months, and I was even judging the damn LM that month! It didn't even count as a score, and one of my fellow judges just absolutely thrashed the thing to death in a really condescending, petty fashion. I was not particularly pleased, but I let it roll off me. Because you have to. Still, we have to keep people entering this thing and to get down in the weeds and kick them in the nuts over usage issues or logic problems is counterproductive. Just my opinion.

Don't take my comments here the wrong way - I still enjoyed reading all your scores and think you're a very astute reviewer.


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## Jon M

Folcro said:


> And please, everyone on here with a brain understands that how low I score is irrelevant--- so long as I am fair. And I am.


Scores below ten typically have a negative connotation. That's just because judges of the LM often use the full spread of points, and most participants are used to that. So even though a "9" is a decent score on your uber-harsh scale, the likely interpretation is going to be negative. The writer who gets a score like that is going to think they are not very good. 

This is about perception more than facts. And by now, it really doesn't matter how many disclaimers you write. In the LM, most people, self included, tend to think below-ten score = bad = I suck. That's why most judges typically assign high scores. 

No one questions your effort. But these last couple of LMs have seen a backlash over the severity of your scores, a rather thoughtful and lengthy one this time, so maybe you should ask if there's validity to what people are saying, adjust accordingly.


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## Folcro

Jon M said:


> So even though a "9" is a decent score on your uber-harsh scale, the likely interpretation is going to be negative.



Well, perhaps I'll give one more explanation, if you'll pardon my indulgence.

With grammar, I'm actually very easy. Unless it is flagrant, I'll usually ignore the first one or two I see. Anyone with a general understanding of grammar is virtually guaranteed to get a perfect score from me. Voice is about prose, style and atmosphere, which again, I usually assign a 3 to what I consider to be mediocrity. And effect: if I say "eh", I give 5. Basically, if a writer produces what I consider to be mediocre, they are virtually guaranteed a 13, which is numerically better than mediocre. So I can't say I find my scores to be uber-harsh, or the backlash any more than those I score highly liked what I thought and those I didn't did not. And If you average it out, a 9 is not a good score, even by my standards.

But as I've said, I have a lot to take into consideration.


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## FleshEater

It's good to differentiate between constructive criticism and criticism. Folcro, some of your comments to god of wine border criticism. You can apply harshness to the work itself, but the edge in which you wrote his critique with cuts deeper than any knife. Criticism should be dealt sincerely, not condescendingly.


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## J Anfinson

I'll admit, I started seeing issues with mine not long after submitting it. A few more editing passes and it would have been quite a bit better, but I was lazy. Glad I didn't get a score, I'd be afraid to know how it would have done.


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## godofwine

To piggyback on what Jon M said, a 9 and below is for someone who writes one gigantic  paragraph, no indentations or commas, and there was little good in it. Saying that  you score low to me is like saying that no one deserves an A unless  they are on par with Nathaniel Hawthorne, which to me is like a teacher  who never gives out A's...ever. If that's the case, the teacher has inexplicably high, and unattainable expectations. Calling the characters clueless and brain-dead, harking on actions that  are understandable for those who watch police dramas didn't make sense  to me. 

I aim to make the characters I write believable, ordinary people pushed to do something outside their norm due to extraordinary circumstances. I have shown others, including a couple of cops, both of whom said that they wouldn't have done much different (one didn't think about the closing eyes trick to adjust to the darkness but would in the future). It's an old-timer's trick, but only if the time permits using it. I maybe I saw it on an old cop show (I pulled from somewhere up there, been watching cop dramas since Hill Street Blues). 

I don't care about the grade, only the practice, which  each contest gives me. We will never write alike, we think differently. Expecting someone to write the story with the same approach that you would have is flawed thinking. To use "I would" in any way other than to say, "I would have used a comma there." I attempt to paint a scene and build characters as well in 650 words.

POSITIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT, balance the negative with a positive when possible, otherwise it just looks like you are shooting bullets. Try sending over a medi-pak with every couple of bullets. 



Folcro said:


> And please, everyone on here with a brain understands that how low I score is irrelevant--- so long as I am fair. And I am.
> 
> Edit: Thank you for striking the insult


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## Folcro

godofwine said:


> To piggyback on what Jon M said, a 9 and below is for someone who writes one gigantic  paragraph, no indentations or commas, and there was little good in it.



No two people judge the same. To assume I should judge the same way as you is flawed thinking. In my book, what you described deserves a 3 or 4. And you deserved a 9.


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## godofwine

absolute power corrupts absolutely



Folcro said:


> No two people judge the same. To assume I should judge the same way as you is flawed thinking. In my book, what you described deserves a 3 or 4. And you deserved a 9.


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## Guy Faukes

Congratulations to the winners and thanks to the judges for taking the time to review! I wrote this one during an heavy exam period, and I hope it was somewhat as cathartic to read as it was to write. 

Folcro - I could see it being a Youtube skit but South Park?! South Park?! Actually, yeah, South Park. And thanks for the plot advice; I definitely could improve with setting up shorts.
J Anfinson - Thanks for the positive review! I wrote the hit itself awhile back, think I'll write it all together now. 
Staff Development - I tried to go big with the ending, but it was another plot element that confused the story even more. Definitely work on that. 
Gavrushka -  _‘His was hat laid...’ being the worst... _me grammur gud, haha


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## Terry D

There are a couple of points everyone, contestants and judges alike, need to keep in mind. One is that it serves no purpose to criticise a judge's scoring regardless of how it makes you feel. Take from each score that which you feel is appropriate and disregard the rest. If you are seriously trying to get better you will know what 'rings true'. Also, remember that no one judging these contests is anything more than another member ; none have any special qualifications or experience. Every crit is simply an opinion.

The second point I'd like to make is that while we all should be able to divorce our feelings (egos?) from our work, that is rarely  the case and we all would do well to keep that in mind. For writers that means we need to be aware that what we percieve as an attack on ourselves is really only comment on our words. For judges this means that we too are responsible for the effect of what we write when commenting on the work of fellow members. How we make our point is just as important as the point we are trying to make.

Finally, we need to know when enough is enough. As long as I've been a member here folks have had their feelings hurt by LM judging. I've had my ego bruised and I've been the judge to step on toes. What that taught me was, as a contestant, to suck it up, say "thanks" and use what I learner in the next LM. As a judge I understood that no amount of justification was going to ease the sting of a harsh critique. 'Discussions' on the open forum about judging style are pointless.

The LM competition exists for fun, entertainment, and as a way to sharpen our skills. None of those three should supersede the other two, so my recommendation is to move beyond the arguments. My personnel thanks go out to everyone who participated in any respect. Good job.


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## Folcro

Well said, Terry D.


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## godofwine

well said indeed, Terry D


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## Gavrushka

Guy Faukes said:


> Gavrushka -  _‘His was hat laid...’ being the worst... _me grammur gud, haha



Yoda was pressuring me to give you the perfect score! 

I have an issue with writing words in the wrong order, homophones and writing the completely wrong word that sounded in my head. - The problem I have is that when I read my own work back, I adjust what I am reading to what I _expect_ to be reading. On many occasions, the Goddess of Hell has farted, when she'd thought she was doing something else.


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## midnightpoet

Terry D said:


> There are a couple of points everyone, contestants and judges alike, need to keep in mind. One is that it serves no purpose to criticise a judge's scoring regardless of how it makes you feel. Take from each score that which you feel is appropriate and disregard the rest. If you are seriously trying to get better you will know what 'rings true'. Also, remember that no one judging these contests is anything more than another member ; none have any special qualifications or experience. Every crit is simply an opinion.
> 
> The second point I'd like to make is that while we all should be able to divorce our feelings (egos?) from our work, that is rarely  the case and we all would do well to keep that in mind. For writers that means we need to be aware that what we percieve as an attack on ourselves is really only comment on our words. For judges this means that we too are responsible for the effect of what we write when commenting on the work of fellow members. How we make our point is just as important as the point we are trying to make.
> 
> Finally, we need to know when enough is enough. As long as I've been a member here folks have had their feelings hurt by LM judging. I've had my ego bruised and I've been the judge to step on toes. What that taught me was, as a contestant, to suck it up, say "thanks" and use what I learner in the next LM. As a judge I understood that no amount of justification was going to ease the sting of a harsh critique. 'Discussions' on the open forum about judging style are pointless.
> 
> The LM competition exists for fun, entertainment, and as a way to sharpen our skills. None of those three should supersede the other two, so my recommendation is to move beyond the arguments. My personnel thanks go out to everyone who participated in any respect. Good job.



I wanted to echo Terry's words.  I've mentioned this before.  One of my best experiences was attending a critique early in my writing career; one of their rules was no comment on the critiques.  This gave you the chance to take the piece home and consider your work from different perspectives.  Remember, if you want a successful career the ones that need convincing are your agent and publisher, and ultimately the reading public who may purchase your work.  Actually, one of the things that attracted me to this forum is that it is one of the closest groups I've found thus far to that original critique group.


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## Gavrushka

I'd been writing for the better part of a year before I had anyone of note critique my words. - Up until that point, I was in doubt as to how good I was. Move aside J K Rowling, for here comes the almighty Gavrushka. - Can you imagine how hard it was to have someone I'd never met come along, knock me off my pedestal and then empty their bladder on my shattered ego? - It was a cathartic moment for me. - After my fury had subsided, I was faced with the choice as to aspire to become as good as I _thought_ I was, or pack in writing. - I decided to listen to the advice, and I'd say that was the day I first started _writing. _

I am of the mind, that the more a critique gets beneath my skin, the more I need to pay attention. The first thing I must do is decide whether the critic has my best interests at heart, or not. - I've followed the judges and their scoring methodologies since joining this site, and they all appear to be busting a gut to help. - It is fine to be pissed off when someone knees you in the talent, but I don't think it is fair to air that grievance on an open forum.

In my opinion, I feel that an exchange of PMs should be exchanged in order to express concerns, and have them addressed. Knocking a judge because they operate outside the boundaries of what you may consider acceptable is inappropriate behaviour in my opinion UNLESS you have given them the opportunity to explain their actions in private, and still feel you've been trolled rather than judged.

We're writers, and should be far better at communicating than the average internet user.

And Merry Christmas one and all!


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## Foxee

midnightpoet said:


> One of my best experiences was attending a critique early in my writing career; one of their rules was no comment on the critiques.  This gave you the chance to take the piece home and consider your work from different perspectives.


Part of the opportunity here is that LM judges can improve their critiquing skills. Comments to judges should be few and well-considered but I wouldn't shut down feedback altogether.


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## midnightpoet

Foxee said:


> Part of the opportunity here is that LM judges can improve their critiquing skills. Comments to judges should be few and well-considered but I wouldn't shut down feedback altogether.



And certainly questions and requests for clarification should always be appropriate.


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## godofwine

This is true. However, there should be most constructive criticism in order to help the writer improve. I know that I am not the greatest and I have room for improvement. I have problems with commas and semi-colons to the point where I hypothesize, and don't get me started my "tense" issues, but there is potential there. A mentor would be wonderful because my imagination is insanely active - which is rare for a person in their late 30's. What was difficult for me is never getting the constructive thing growing up, only the negative, and that always irked me. I hear you, Gavrushka. But advice, not just criticism makes for better writers. Where did you go wrong? How can I get you back on track? What common error are you constantly making that is avoidable? I can take being slammed (being in the military for 12 years, if you have thin skin then you won't make it), but there must be some "medi-paks" in there to heal you as well. 



Foxee said:


> Part of the opportunity here is that LM judges can improve their critiquing skills. Comments to judges should be few and well-considered but I wouldn't shut down feedback altogether.


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## Guy Faukes

Gavrushka said:


> Yoda was pressuring me to give you the perfect score!
> 
> I have an issue with writing words in the wrong order, homophones and writing the completely wrong word that sounded in my head. - The problem I have is that when I read my own work back, I adjust what I am reading to what I _expect_ to be reading. On many occasions, the Goddess of Hell has farted, when she'd thought she was doing something else.



Haha! A tendency to overlook entire words when reading the brain has. Cognitive miser social scientist call this. Get an external proofreader perhaps I should.


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## Gavrushka

I think judges need feedback. - IF I felt I needed to censor my comments as I felt they _could_ be construed as critical and nothing more, I'd struggle with judging. - It's all subjective you see. - From my perspective, I'd love to have Folcro critique every word I write, but I can see others may feel otherwise. One solution would be to have anyone who felt a judge's comments were unfair, to enter anonymously. - BUT that presupposes that the judge is considered to be treating certain entrants work more harshly than others. - I don't think anyone is suggesting that.

When a reaction to a judges comments moves from the realms of clarification and into questioning its validity, I feel that the initial exchanges should be done away from the public forums. - BUT I think the post-competition opportunity for judges and entrants to interact is fantastic. - I was delighted to address a couple of queries on my comments. - I may not write a lot in the critique, but I do read , reread and read every competition entry until I am familiar with it. - It takes a bloody age, I can tell you!


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## Gavrushka

Guy Faukes said:


> ...Cognitive miser...




LOL, I had to Google that one!


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## godofwine

It is near impossible to read Yoda-speak and not speak it or hear it in your mind in the voice of Yoda. haha


Guy Faukes said:


> Haha! A tendency to overlook entire words when reading the brain has. Cognitive miser social scientist call this. Get an external proofreader perhaps I should.


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## godofwine

No one is asking for censored comments, but a negative, or at most two or three, should be followed with a positive, for balance. Judges can be critical, but to slam as if the work contains nothing positive at all is unnecessary. Two to three blasts from the cannon followed by one or two medi-paks. You can't just go Simon Cowell on people. I want to have a novel out some day soon, so I need to know where I need to improve. I don't want to simply rely on my editor



Gavrushka said:


> I think judges need feedback. - IF I felt I needed to censor my comments as I felt they _could_ be construed as critical and nothing more, I'd struggle with judging. - It's all subjective you see. - From my perspective, I'd love to have Folcro critique every word I write, but I can see others may feel otherwise. One solution would be to have anyone who felt a judge's comments were unfair, to enter anonymously. - BUT that presupposes that the judge is considered to be treating certain entrants work more harshly than others. - I don't think anyone is suggesting that.
> 
> When a reaction to a judges comments moves from the realms of clarification and into questioning its validity, I feel that the initial exchanges should be done away from the public forums. - BUT I think the post-competition opportunity for judges and entrants to interact is fantastic. - I was delighted to address a couple of queries on my comments. - I may not write a lot in the critique, but I do read , reread and read every competition entry until I am familiar with it. - It takes a bloody age, I can tell you!


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## Guy Faukes

Folcro - it took me a bit to enjoy your style of critique; I read the other critiques then went back to yours and found it's very serious and cuts in where it needs to, at least with my story. I worked in kitchens, and having a Ramsey-like critique of your work can give you immediate access and insight to where you are going astray, but you need to be in the right frame of mine to take it properly. I can tell you are very serious about your craft, and see there's a lot of value in your feedback. Maybe with a bit of balancing, it can become your personal style to be an exacting judge. Throwing in a disclaimer or sandwiching your critique with positive reinforcement might blunt your feedback.
 Anyways, I look forward to seeing you again on the panel. 



Gavrushka said:


> LOL, I had to Google that one!



It might not be the exact term, but the brain does like taking shortcuts when it can get away with it, especially over something that doesn't pertain to immediate life and death like writing. 



godofwine said:


> It is near impossible to read Yoda-speak and not speak it or hear it in your mind in the voice of Yoda. haha



I heard his voice even when writing it, haha


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## spartan928

godofwine said:


> ....my imagination is insanely active - which is rare for a person in their late 30's.



No kidding? Heaven help those of us in our late 40's or 50's. Is that why working my imagination lately feels like draining a swimming pool with a spoon?

:friendly_wink:


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## Foxee

Here's a thought on discussing. How about if everyone discusses the scores if they wish and everyone remains civil and brief? This idea of having to have a positive thought for every negative one is very pretty but it's too demanding.

Bring up a point (respectfully) if you like and then drop it before it becomes an argument. It can be done without loads of structure and moderation.


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## J Anfinson

Foxee said:


> Here's a thought on discussing. How about if everyone discusses the scores if they wish and everyone remains civil and brief? This idea of having to have a positive thought for every negative one is very pretty but it's too demanding.
> 
> Bring up a point (respectfully) if you like and then drop it before it becomes an argument. It can be done without loads of structure and moderation.



To give Foxee's point some context, read the Bubbles LM Scores. That one got pretty bad.


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## Jon M

J Anfinson said:


> To give Foxee's point some context, read the Bubbles LM Scores. That one got pretty bad.


Ah, good times.


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## J Anfinson

Jon M said:


> Ah, good times.



My first LM, actually. God my story sucked.


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## Guy Faukes

Foxee said:


> This idea of having to have a positive thought for every negative one is very pretty but it's too demanding.



Well, I have been told to sandwich your critique with complements, which gives the appearance that you give it merit even if you have a lot to critique. It starts off on a positive before muddling through the negative, then ending on a positive note again. Even if you didn't like the piece, in particular, hopefully you can find at least two good points about it.... hopefully... We are instructed to do it when critiquing each other during science reviews with some success... until someone's research starts disproving someone else's... ooh boy... gloves off real fast.


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## Foxee

Guy Faukes said:


> Well, I have been told to sandwich your critique with complements, which gives the appearance that you give it merit even if you have a lot to critique. It starts off on a positive before muddling through the negative, then ending on a positive note again. Even if you didn't like the piece, in particular, hopefully you can find at least two good points about it.... hopefully... We are instructed to do it when critiquing each other during science reviews with some success... until someone's research starts disproving someone else's... ooh boy... gloves off real fast.


I'm fine with that. It's just when it starts to sound like you've got to fine a positive point for every negative (in a legalistic way) that I have to disagree.


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## Dictarium

I agree with Foxee. I mean, if you've got 20 slices of positivity bread and 10 pieces of negativity meat, then by all means sandwich away, but if you can't quite fit the ratio there's no reason to work around it. Present your criticism constructively, but don't sugar-coat it.


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## Guy Faukes

Dictarium said:


> I agree with Foxee. I mean, if you've got 20 slices of positivity bread and 10 pieces of negativity meat, then by all means sandwich away, but if you can't quite fit the ratio there's no reason to work around it. Present your criticism constructively, but don't sugar-coat it.



For a tasty deli criticism sandwich, you only need two good, buttered up complement slices in which you stack many layers of well aged, usually smoked, sliced criticism meat, a touch of sour mustard, and usually a nice pickle or olive to cleanse the palette. Wait... what were we talking about again?


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## danteinhickville

Congratulations to the winners.  I enjoyed the deserved criticism.  It helped illuminate my mistakes.  It also motivated me to try reading my work out loud, which makes a huge difference.  I hate editing.  I love writing when I find the focus to write.  I was embarrassed by how many mistakes I made.  Without criticism, I would never learn what I should look for.  I hope my next entry will have fewer mistakes.


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## Foxee

Guy Faukes said:


> For a tasty deli criticism sandwich, you only need two good, buttered up complement slices in which you stack many layers of well aged, usually smoked, sliced criticism meat, a touch of sour mustard, and usually a nice pickle or olive to cleanse the palette. Wait... what were we talking about again?


One must pair the proper whine with that.

(sorry! It was just right there.)


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## Guy Faukes

Foxee said:


> One must pair the proper whine with that.
> 
> (sorry! It was just right there.)



*Rimshot*

Apparently, it helps with swallowing and digesting it all. Not entire sure about the factuality of that.


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