# Colored



## ArianSpirit (Feb 20, 2018)

Old ketchup bottles fart
red, blue, and yellow
dollops splatter in three swift squirts
muffled giggles erupt raucous laughter.

Small hands smear, oblivious
the mix colors create,
a masterpiece in mind to hang on the fridge.

Side by side, singing a song taught—
red and yellow, black and white.

We are precious in His sight.







*Original*
Dollops splatter in three swift squirts
old ketchup bottles fart
red, blue, and yellow
muffled giggles rupture raucous laughter.

Small hands smear, oblivious
the mix colors create,
a masterpiece in mind to hang on the fridge.

Side by side, singing a song taught—
red and yellow, black and white.

We are precious in His sight.


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## Firemajic (Feb 21, 2018)

ArianSpirit said:


> Dollops splatter in three swift squirts
> old ketchup bottles fart
> red, blue, and yellow
> muffled giggles rupture raucous laughter.
> ...




For me, this is more than just innocent children mixing paint..... the message is deeper.... cleverly obscure... intriguing.... thanks for the pleasure   Killer end line!


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## escorial (Feb 21, 2018)

The mix of fart,splatter,giggles etc.. juxtaposed with ruptus,racoud, oblivious..etc gives it a nieve an serious perspective on the use of words to produce a work with insight and fun but still a piece constructed with a classic approach...cool


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 21, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> For me, this is more than just innocent children mixing paint..... the message is deeper.... cleverly obscure... intriguing.... thanks for the pleasure   Killer end line!



Fire,
Your suggestions of S1 does make it more powerful puts a direct picture in the head to start with. 

You are correct there is a deeper meaning within this poem.

Thank you for your kind words


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 21, 2018)

escorial said:


> The mix of fart,splatter,giggles etc.. juxtaposed with ruptus,racoud, oblivious..etc gives it a nieve an serious perspective on the use of words to produce a work with insight and fun but still a piece constructed with a classic approach...cool



Esc,
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your thoughts 

~A


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Feb 22, 2018)

Not to be nit-picky but one the last line you put a capital on 'his' was that intentional?


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 22, 2018)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Not to be nit-picky but one the last line you put a capital on 'his' was that intentional?



Yes, CA it is intentional. "His" meaning Jesus Christ.


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## TL Murphy (Feb 22, 2018)

How did Jesus Christ get into the poem?  I see the metaphor of all colours side by side but what does that have to do with Jesus?  I mean, "His" refers to an element that never entered the poem until the last line.  It's tacked on and imposed upon the developed context out of the blue. A self-referential red herring , not part of the poem at all. For the last line to be relevant there needs to be a context created early in the poem for this line to refer back to.  Expressing religious faith is fine but there seems to be an underlying assumption that omniscient presence is taken for granted by the reader as well as the author.  It isn't.  Not by this reader, anyway.


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## sas (Feb 23, 2018)

Loved the fart. It was right on and definitely remember those laughs from granddaughters. Good image.
Guess I wonder why poem did not flow? Seems many write poetry this way. I find it stilted. Why not...


Old ketchup bottles fart
red, blue, and yellow
splatter three swift squirts
as giggles turn to laughter.

I found no problem transitioning to Jesus reference. I might suggest incorporating it more into the last stanza:

Side by side, singing a song taught—
red and yellow, black and white
in His sight.

Hope helpful. You are quite helpful to others. Best. sas
.


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 23, 2018)

TL Murphy said:


> How did Jesus Christ get into the poem?  I see the metaphor of all colours side by side but what does that have to do with Jesus?  I mean, "His" refers to an element that never entered the poem until the last line.  It's tacked on and imposed upon the developed context out of the blue. A self-referential red herring , not part of the poem at all. For the last line to be relevant there needs to be a context created early in the poem for this line to refer back to.  Expressing religious faith is fine but there seems to be an underlying assumption that omniscient presence is taken for granted by the reader as well as the author.  It isn't.  Not by this reader, anyway.



Thank you TL Murphy for taking the time to read and respond.

Growing up in bible school we were taught the song Jesus loves the little children all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white. We are precious in His sight.
So that is where “His” in the last line is within the poem. I guess the assumption of the omniscient presence I failed to make clear. Some get it and others won’t but I’m not really going to stress over that.

~A


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## sas (Feb 23, 2018)

Guess I'd delete the word "taught" as unneeded.

Side by side, singing a song—
red and yellow, black and white
in His sight.


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 23, 2018)

sas said:


> Loved the fart. It was right on and definitely remember those laughs from granddaughters. Good image.
> Guess I wonder why poem did not flow? Seems many write poetry this way. I find it stilted. Why not...
> 
> 
> ...



sas,
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond

The underlying message is about how innocence gets lost how racism of any kind begins.

Children are taught to be prejudiced just like they are taught a song. This is not really a technical piece but how it played out was just luck and simplicity within the lines of each stanza 4-3-2-1.

The last line to me is the most important so that why it is separated out.

As for questioning flow? This is just my style and I  tend to be a bit too wordy so I try to keep things minimal, with powerful images and sometimes a not so obvious meaning. Sometimes I succeed and some (a lot) of times I fail.

Thank you I try to help others when I can and feel I have a positive impact in order to help.

~A


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## sas (Feb 23, 2018)

Interesting form. I missed the 4,3,2,1 intent, entirely.


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## TL Murphy (Feb 23, 2018)

A.S. I don't want to chastize you for your beliefs or assumptions nor derail this thread into some kind oif theological discussion.  I'm talking about poetry.  Good poetry appeals to the underlying universal threads of the human condition.  I, too grew up in a strong Christian environment.  I am steeped in the theology but I do not today consider myself a Christian.  That doesn't mean I'm an aetheist.  I recognize  enlightened perceptions and practice in many religions.  But I see the universal human condition as something that underlies all of that speculation and when the poet assumes a theological position in the poem, particularly when the poet assumes that it is a universal condition for his readers, as well, it no longer rings as metaphor but as dogma, which is what brings us all down to factions and tribalism and will ultimately undermine man's highest potential.  Sorry, I just can't buy it and it ruins an otherwise brilliant poem.  Please don't take this personally. It's honest critique.


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 23, 2018)

Thanks TL Murphy, totally understand your perspective. Nothing personal taken at all. I appreciate your input. 

~A


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## TL Murphy (Feb 24, 2018)

Okay, cool.  I'll drop it now.


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## SilverMoon (Feb 24, 2018)

_Double Post _


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## SilverMoon (Feb 24, 2018)

Arian, super revision! My favored line, now up where it belongs: This instantly draws the reader in. Outstanding!

Old ketchup bottles fart _(Remarkably inventive, a  sound only a writer could summon up!)_
red, blue, and yellow
dollops splatter in three swift squirts_(dollop is a synonym for squirt so could do without, as well does not interfere with your superb alliteration)_
muffled giggles erupt raucous laughter. (_Thinking “rowdy” a simpler word which I more easily associate with children’s laughter.) 
_
*
*Small hands smear,oblivious _(__Might go w/ a word like “unconcerned” . Believe it speaks more clearly to their innocence, freedom. )_
[the mix colors create,
a masterpiece in mind to hang on the fridge.] _(Back to the kitchen, a good tying in, “fridge”, their canvass, wisdom sadly stolen by prejudice taught  - Great)
_

[Side by side, singing a song taught— _(stellar alliteration!)_
red and yellow, black and white.]_ (I was 6 when taught this lesson, never understanding why my little black friend was different than I, and to be avoided. One lesson, even then, I refused to adopt.) 
_
We are precious in His sight*.* (_All that needs to be said!)_


Your “poetic voice” is easily evidenced here and stunningly.

Silver


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## ArianSpirit (Feb 25, 2018)

SilverMoon said:


> Arian, super revision! My favored line, now up where it belongs: This instantly draws the reader in. Outstanding!
> 
> Old ketchup bottles fart _(Remarkably inventive, a  sound only a writer could summon up!)_
> red, blue, and yellow
> ...



Thank you Silver for your input. I like what you have stated to make this poem better 

Appreciate your time and kind words.

~A


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## RC James (Feb 26, 2018)

AS - AHHH! - Flatulence is alive and well inside plastic Heinzes (sic.) and ready 
to emerrhejjjjhh - at any time.  HeHe - well-done - 
*
muffled giggles erupt raucous laughter.

*perfect description of repeating the bottle's release.

_
Jesus loves me this I know
__for the Bible tells me so

_Best - RC


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