# January 2015 - LM - Yearly Challenge - Scores



## Fin (Feb 5, 2015)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*



Thank you to everyone who contributed, even by simply viewing.

In first place, receiving $125 and a year of FoWF, we have *Terry D* with his entry *Quid Pro Quo* 
In second, receiving $50 and six months of FoWF, we have *Kyle R* with his entry *The Final Lesson* 
And in third, receiving $25 and a month of FoWF, we have *shinyford* with his entry *The Joke to End All Jokes*


Here are the rest of the standings


*Scores*​
*Folcro**J Anfinson​**Cran**bazz cargo**amsawtell**Gumby**Average**”Quid Pro Quo” by Terry D*14181918161917.33*”The Final Lesson” by Kyle R*111918.520161917.25*”The Joke to End All Jokes” by shinyford*1515.51819141616.25*”A CryoLife Contract” by Bishop*1118.518.518171316*”Patience” by Pluralized*141919.517141215.91*”After All These Years” by Guy Faukes*1818.518.520101015.83*”A Man in the Night” by thepancreas11*11161817121514.83*”Che Cooper” by bazz cargo*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/AN/AJudge





Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time. Here are the reviews.​

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]




Quid Pro Quo
Anonymous
*Score: 14*

*She was as fragile, colorful, and skittish as an exotic bird*: Most birds are skittish, and many exotic birds (the California Condor, for example) are not fragile... but I suppose fragility is relative.

*I swapped shifts with your bastard husband to put him on this shift, in this wing*: Did you get that, audience?

*...the words couldn’t escape past:* The words couldn't escape, or the words could not get past. It's not technically wrong, the way you have it, I just don't think it will resonate well with most who notice it, which probably won't be many. I didn't like it personally.

*My life is measured now not by clocks and calendars, but by the comings and goings of the women who tend me:* This was a very good line. Perhaps you should have started with it?

I have to say, the concept behind this story rocked my world. I was immersed and overwhelmed with the tragedy of this man's situation and the complicated relationship, arguably not-relationship-at-all, with the women that tend to him. I was hooked...

...at first.

As appreciative I am of complexity, I think this would have been far more effective were it simpler. The fantasy element, this connection he had with the women through this pseudo-clairvoyance gave relief to that fact that he could not communicate with these women. By this very relief, the tension and the tragedy is broken. It's easier to fashion a plot now, but I don't think you needed one, and even with a thousand words, you didn't have the space to take it very far. I think this should have been the story of a man who could not help even though he has every impetus to do so, inundated with these stories that he can but listen to and pray quietly to himself as they develop, the grace of accepting what he could not change, trying to change what he could. Perhaps his prayers worked, perhaps they at times did not, if you even want to go that far.

But you did go that far and much farther, so onward we go...

*He didn't look mean; he looked stupid:* Okay, I'm with it.

*But stupid is often mean:* Um... okay... (I think "But mean is often stupid" is preferred).

I don't understand why they speak as though they are talking for the first time.

OHHHHHH... this is one of the guys who works at the hospital. Awkward transition: right after something crawls out of the ceiling, Poulter seems to be communicating directly with a creeper. You were adding the _effect_ of direct communication, but it seemed literal. For the first few lines, I thought he was talking to the thing that does his bidding.

*...spreading it, widening it:* Pick one.

*...a foul embryo in a diseased placenta, invisible to most; hidden behind the membrane separating its reality from ours:* Good description. Hermaeus Mora?

*“Or we could fuck with your catheter. Do you like it when Carla touches it, you old perv? Do you like it when my wife messes with your junk?”:* He knows Poulter is vegetative, right? Obviously conscious, but do they know that? Seems a bit contrived and one-dimensional. What's this guy's motive other than to be a villain for the audience?

Yeah, going back to the realism of the first half of the story, this guy's very existence turns it upside down on itself and I feel like I'm watching a cartoon.

*A deep, twisting ache rolled up from my groin as he grabbed my balls and twisted: *So his nerves are intact? Why can't he move?

The latter chunk of the story did nothing to break me of my premature conclusion; it seems you knew you had a great idea (and you did) but needed to pad it with some semblance of a story--- you did not. You should have let the situation and atmosphere tell the story. What you ended up doing was make the story seem like it belonged in a bigger work: what about the other ladies' problems? Why is Carla and her one-dimensional husband so special when cancer and death were glossed over?

You started off on a fantastic foundation. You could have built much higher.


A Man in the Night
Anonymous
*Score: 11*

Efficient writing and it flows. You interweave dialogue with action and description, whereas many simply spit talking heads at me for a bunch of lines.

*The man unfolded the wallet to show a picture from the inside. The dog-eared one of his daughter on her graduation:* Peter couldn't just recognize that it was his wallet?

*He bowed his head, which strained him:* How can Peter see this? If he can, why not just show it to us, so that we can better walk in the shoes of your protagonist?

*“I did”:* Ouch; decorum much, Petie-pie? Still, I'm feeling the awkwardness of the conversation, and Peter's consistent inability to say the right thing, sort of tripping over himself in conversation. So actually, it works. Quite well, in fact. I'm starting to feel the character. Not so much the hobo.

*"I have been for many years, I must admit,":* He said, waving the cocktail glass in his hand.

*the same twenty-dollar bill he’d been hanging onto for three days, trying to stretch his money. He lived in the bad section of the Bronx for a reason: *Both underlined parts should be removed, each for their own reason. First part: yeah, I know. The second: you're doing a fine enough job developing your character; you _show_ us a hard working man living in a poor area hanging on to his money. You don't have to tell us who this guy is when you're already showing it. That's like an actor saying "I'm very angry right now."

*“You’re homeless, and you didn’t take any money? You could have just run off with it. I wouldn’t have known. I probably would have come home and crashed. I wouldn’t have looked for it until tomorrow. You could have at least gotten a nice meal”: *Contrivance: obviously speaking to the audience and not the character. I would have had an easier time believing Peter look at the man with a smirk and half-jokingly say "You could have taken it." But the way this was worded sounds like a Protestant special on the Hallmark channel.

*“True, sir. I could have”:* He dropped another olive in his glass and wafted the aroma.

*“I lost the wallet. By rights, I don’t deserve it. Take it”:* Philosophy for dummies by dummies.

*He paused:* Who paused?

Now we're getting a little talking-headish.

*The man had covered his face with a mask, wore a hooded sweatshirt:* I think "wore a mask" would have been better, unless you were afraid of redundancy with the hooded sweatshirt. Easy: "He wore a mask and a hooded sweatshirt." Don't spend too many words in description, especially as we roll into the climax. We want to get to it.

*Peter couldn’t see his hand, but he guessed gun, anyways. He got the keys in door:* But we don't need to eliminate articles, especially when without them we start to sound like Tarzan. And "anyways" bogged the sentence down, made it unnecessarily passive.

*“You have a safe?”:* Why yes, it's right over there.

*"I'll kill you!":* Grrrr! I'm the bad guy! How about some bite as well as bark? Threats or implications of intent to rape?

*Peter picked up Bradley’s cane and broke the man’s arm with a stroke:* How does he know he broke his arm?

You had a character who I kind of liked. I was with it, if you will. I can say I wanted good things for him. The conversation with the hobo could have been more believable, but who knows, maybe the man was well educated, I didn't really have his backstory. Maybe I should have? Without info-dumping, of course, but I think you are capable of understanding the difference (you did a fine enough job with Peter, for the most part: the key is subtle shows).

The ending... nah. Sorry. Even if I haven't seen it over and over, it was bland, especially when I didn't have much of a reason to care for the hobo (what's his name again?). I was more concerned for Peter, and for that you get credit.

Verdict in a nutshell: The scene between Peter and Bradley had far more potential for effect than the plot entire.


The Final Lesson
Anonymous
*Score: 11*

I like the opening sentence. You get right into things. What irked me was the structure of the paragraph. Now, I've been told I break paragraphs a might too often, but I really think the dialogue should have started a new paragraph, and the sentence after that a third paragraph. Dialogue should almost always break a paragraph because the focus is almost always changed, especially here where the first sentence regards a woman's actions, and the second a man's voice.

*his sleepy gaze found hers:* She had a sleepy gaze too?

*Celia wrinkled her brow: *Quite a talent. I ran to the mirror and tried this many times. I could tighten, furrow and raise or lower my brow, couldn't form those wrinkles.

*The glow from its lantern slid past the room’s only window: *Good description, but I don't know... that would take a mighty powerful lantern.

*“You always were my most determined student”:* I actually like this line quite a lot. With everything I know so far, this line tickles the imagination.

*Celia shook her head and released the bed sheet:* I thought it was the mattress she was crushing.

*The old man studied her expression, his unblinking stare exploring her face:* Redundant. At least, you could crunch this down. Just say he explored here face: you don't have to call upon his intentions because we're in Celia's perspective, and she's not a mind reader (I don't think), but an observer.

*Something pinched in Celia’s chest—some deep, dark place between her organs. A cold spot behind her ribs:* This too could have been more refined: was it a cold spot or a pinch? A cold pinch? In her chest, between her organs, behind her ribcage: Pick one (you might get away with two, saying it was between the organs in her chest, but I wouldn't even go that far).

*“That’s my girl”:* It seems this would have been a more believable response had she said "I'll think about it" or something of the like.

*The old man had been like a father to her:* You're trying to get away with establishing a life-long relationship in less than a thousand words. Fine. But don't tell us you're trying to get away with establishing a life-long relationship in less than a thousand words.

*Celia straightened her body and eased the pistol into the holster on her hip:* I really like this line. I can see her trembling with relief and regret as that holster slides back in. I do think it would have been even more effective were the death scene more effective. This was the main thing holding the piece back; will expand on that shortly.

*He, of all people, would’ve understood:* I find that I agree, and by extension that you've been able to establish some characterization here. So alright.

*sniffed back the moisture in her nostrils:* Don't be modest. Emotions aren't modest and very rarely eloquent. I'm sure there was a lot more up there than "moisture."

*Even after kicking the bucket, the old maestro was still tossing her clues:* You said this already ("tearjerking message from the grave"), and he's only dead because she killed him, didn't make much sense to me that she would suddenly find this ironic.

*And what about the second sentence? There is always a choice*: I remember what the second sentence was, thank you kindly. If I didn't, I could have easily gone back as you so conveniently centered the letter for me. So eliminate the condescending reminder.

*Celia turned to look at the old man’s supine body:* How about a name? I thought he was like a father to her? Were you building up for effect when she uttered it in the end? That's not going to work when you're trying to squeeze a lifelong relationship into a thousand words.

I will say before rendering my verdict: I was expecting a long drawn-out letter to be ineffective due to the ineffectiveness of the death scene. You were wise to make it only a few sentences. It played with expectations and left me pleasantly surprised, but it also connects to the main problem of the story...

Final Verdict: this is not a short story. It is a scene from a novel. What's worse, it's not the first scene, nor is it the last; perhaps the last scene of the first book in a series of books. It requires buildup to the tragic end of this relationship, and requires a sequel to discover the meaning of the letter.

The only argument to support this as a standalone is that the letter means she does not have to do what she has been doing, following this tradition of assassins. It would be a good argument, as you have a lot going on here underneath the surface--- things the reader has to put together. I always appreciate and respect writers who do this, but there are still far too many open ends for me to personally accept it as a solid self-contained work.

Short stories are deceivingly different from novels. Perhaps you, like I, are more inclined toward the latter. But I don't know what other work you've produced, and you've probably won the LM before so who knows. But this one, for me, falls short.


A CryoLife Contract
Anonymous
*Score: 11*

*“Mr. Tasken, this is our most comprehensive life preservation plan. Our closure crew will, at the latter end of your time, anesthetize you—like surgery—and begin the freezing process. And from there, your life can be saved from impending death in a future where modern medicine is akin to leeches on the wound”:* That is why you are here, isn't it? You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about yeah I didn't like the expository dialogue.

*The pudgy man grinned as he finished the prepared sales pitch...: *Well, here we have a justification for the exposition, but I'm not sure it helps. Usually, justification should come before the crime, so there is never a moment of doubt, especially with the opening line of the story.

*...and Jack Tasken couldn’t help but offer him a smile: *I usually don't compare entries, but this fits very well with a similar line in the entry "The Final Lesson"--- if read the story you'll find a man offering a smile. It worked there. It irked me at first, but I found that it worked because in that event, he was sort of using the smile instead of an explanation or apology. You could make a case for it here, but it misses the mark for me, popular colloquialism or not.

*It made Jack—the patient—feel bad for the salesman:* Well... yeah. Did you think I missed that?

*"they don’t understand how near-sighted they are":* I guess that's why they're near-sighted.

You (the salesman, that is) says the same thing in paragraph four as he did in paragraph one. We get it, and you're already running out of words. Move it along.

*Jack Tasken couldn’t help but offer him a smile*
*Jack couldn’t help but share it.*
*Jack hated feeling helpless:* When I saw "couldn't help" twice I was at first annoyed (I don't much care for the phrase to begin with), then wondered if perhaps you were building up a theme. Then I read the third line... did you in fact do this on purpose? A clever move indeed if you did.

*He had struck a chord there, and Jack smirked at the childish thoughts that came:* You did two things in one sentence; you showed and you told. All you needed was the show. "Jack smirked at the childish thoughts that came" was all you needed.

*boldly going where no one had gone before:* "Man". Please, if nothing else, get that one right. I don't want to think about what they might do to you.

*A better life, Mr. Tasken:* It occurs to me that a savvy salesman would like to know his client's first name, and use it as often as he can. I'm sure Jack wouldn't be able to help but give it to him.

*The salesman’s face twisted into an uncertain visage; obviously this was a good question to ask: *Really? A scared kid asks a question anybody should see coming and the talented and clever salesman's face falls off? And please stop explaining your sentences, it's getting annoying.

As for the salesman's responding explanation, I actually like it. But I think it could have been far more effective (and believable) if the salesman didn't come out and say it like that, but let the reader come to the realization that this company is playing Ponzi with the lives of countless people.

*Every time Jack asked a question, he had an answer that ended on some highly philosophical note: *Thanks.

*the man said, reintroducing himself:* Thanks.

*After all, sometimes long shots pay off big:* I know you have to end the story somehow, but you can do better.

Got very interesting at the end there. Contributing to the future, or benefiting from it. Very interesting indeed. It's not a particularly strong moral dilemma though; after all, he isn't taking anything from anybody, he's just making the choice not to contribute. It was still an interesting take and a clever way of fusing real life with a scifi concept.

You rely heavily on show and explanation, which held you back, especially when you took the time to explain to me what an introductory sentence looks like. Less explanation, more show, more believable dialogue--- give each character a unique voice, and more tension is what I would have like to have seen.


Patience
*Score: 14*

A classic voice--- hit or miss. You own it here, and it flows well.

*except he never said why its limbs grew in that strange way:* Couldn't he make something up?

*My mother had given birth to four other boys before me, each one of them stillborn:* That was... out of nowhere. I mean obviously this is going to tie in later, but...

*But dad caught me out before I could slip beneath the barbed wire surrounding it: *I like it. I'm looking at a classic, somewhat tired image: a creepy tree. The barbed wire adds an interesting layer to it: a sense of unnatural.

*Thinking about the puzzle box confounded me as I stood there, watching them lower the casket:* Awesome transition; among other things, it shows your confidence in the reader's ability to keep up. Very well done.

*but there was something unresolved in my heart that wouldn’t allow me to grieve:* This does not; it's a close call, and many will disagree. In my opinion, the line was not needed.

Ahh, I see what you did with the tenses there!

Albion? I guess this guy was a Fable fan?

*...whose eyes are the color of ocean:* Who the hell is ocean?

*I look out the attic window:* I'm lenient with clichés, but what I can't get over is why this guy is looking out the window when the mystery of his life lies open before him. Maybe he savored the view as he knew that when he looked down he would have the relief he so desired. Still, not sure about the transition.

*I’m proud of you, Johann. You were the one that survived:* Three dead babies said "ouch".

I'm not sure why the father couldn't have just explained this to him. I mean, maybe it's a raw subject for a toddler, something perhaps a child of nine or ten would not understand, maybe a preteen or early teen, but a graduate? I don't know. Poignant, sure, but a tad contrived to me. In the plus column, the writing was excellent. It flowed as you captured a wide span of time in a small frame.


The Joke to End All Jokes
*Score: 15*

A good place to start: after something happened. I like it.

The writing is actually superb. It flows, and your employment of short and long sentences is something many writers around here should take a look at.

*A hack staple of the circuit when things went badly, usually met with a polite, or at least tolerant, ripple of self-conscious under-the-breath laughter:* I loved the description minus what I underlined--- that could have been cut down as we already know what it is.

*The audience acknowledging the act’s right to continue...:* Now you're taking it too far.

*...Willing him to take the pressure off them, to get it right this time:* And he's off.

*The giggling girls on the hen night, the portly gentleman he’d unsuccessfully ribbed earlier, the Korean couple not understanding a word. Motionless, as if mannequins or porcelain dolls:* Another great description. I can see the room. Only problem is... it seems a little less populated than I originally imagined.

*He leant further forward still, so that he could see the full audience:* Yep. We know.

*It took a moment to sink in:* It seemed like it already had ("it _was_ 'that', and he knew it).

I was anxious to unravel the mystery about the joke. Oft times, stories possess these mysteries that weren't meant to be solved, but this didn't feel like that. It felt like I should have at least known more about the joke, that it could have added more meat to the story. As it is, it felt like a clever spiral around something more; something that should have been there, but wasn't.

The writing, however, was fantastic. I liked the dialogue and the overall feel of the story. I just feel you could have dug deeper, even with the limit you had.


After All These Years
*Score: 18*

Awesome. Excellent opener. You don't give me a list of names, you don't go into description. You tell us what's important clearly and smoothly. The rest you probably add in later (turns out I was right). You show the theme is the relationship more than the people themselves, makes the story easier to relate to.

I actually like this fast-moving style, similar to Patience.

Ohh... you're talking to the people who died... that's like using bacon in a cooking contest, it's just... not fair.

*...encroaching on the places you were meant to be:* Yes.

My only regret is that there's not much I can do for you.

This was inspiring. A little piece filled with emotion. You establish immediately and you're off to make us all cry. It is filled with gripping sentences, writing that consistently nails me to every word, and a feel that reminds me why it's so wonderful to be human. These feel like people without your describing the color of their hair or their clothes, you get to the heart of what makes relationships emotional, you capture that essence, and it was beautiful.


Che Cooper
Judge Entry


There seems to be an ongoing theme to these entries of having really good openers... Way to be like everybody else.

*but that memory was indelible:* Oooh, somebody went to college!

*“Drowned in a vat of whisky. He was dragged out three times but kept jumping back in*”: I smiled a little. Is that wrong?

*From the inside of a steamed up car we waited for our turn for an ambulance and we watched the fire-brigade battle against the fury of the storm as well as the fire, they stood no chance*: When I reached the end of this sentence, I felt a little older.

*This stumped me, I was going to have to ask 'the question':* What question? The one he was about to ask? Why did you need to announce what you were about to write in the next sentence?

*I dare not comment on that complexity:* What happened to past tense?

The problem here is, instead of providing an engaging story, you spent seven hundred-something words promising me that an engaging story was coming, like the prologue to a novel. I wanted a story. This was yearning for more. 
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=J Anfinson’s scores]

*Anonymous
“Quid Pro Quo"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

I didn’t care so much for the beginning to this one because it didn’t grab me. Sure, it poses a question—what are they talking about?—but it doesn’t seem terribly out of the ordinary, which is what really hooks me. On the plus side, the further I read, the better this story got and in the end I was quite pleased.



> My ladies say I 'Make-Things-Happen'.


 


> something-needs-to-happen


 
Hyphens are usually used to combine words, and if I read those as one word it doesn’t sound good. I would suggest putting them in quotes (and capitalizing the first letters) like you did with the first one, but doing away with the hyphens. I won’t knock grammar points for it because I’m not absolutely sure it can’t be used the way you’ve used it.

That’s all I could nitpick. Overall, you’re a great writer.


*Anonymous
“A Man in the Night"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

The opening paragraph wasn’t very good. Too much needless information, and nothing to hook until the homeless man says, “Excuse me, sir.” From there it gets better.



> Peter couldn’t see his hand, but he guessed gun, anyways. He got the keys in door, trembling, turned the knob and opened up into his living room.


 
I found the first sentence awkward with the “but he guessed gun, anyways”. I would suggest something along the lines of, “Peter couldn’t see his hand, but he assumed it was a gun.” You also left out the “the” in “He got the keys in THE door.”

From this point forward:



> Something creaked in the hallway, a floorboard.


 
It’s extremely telling instead of showing, which ruined what could have been a great ending. I’m sure you did it to save words, but honestly I would have cut non-essential stuff from the beginning if I was faced with that problem. Overall, good story, just not as intense at the end as it would have been if you’d gone deep.


*Anonymous
“The Final Lesson"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

Nice opening. This one grabbed me.



> She dragged the hammer back with her thumb.


 
Dragged doesn’t sound right. You cock a hammer, and obviously with your thumb. Why not just, “She cocked the hammer.”

I tried hard, but that’s all I could come up with for this one. Outstanding.


*Anonymous
“A CryoLife Contract"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8.5
Overall: 18.5*

I found nothing wrong with this story except the ending sentence. It didn’t do it for me. I expected more out of such a build-up. Like if it had ended just as they hit the button to freeze him it would have been great.


*Anonymous
“Patience“
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

Absolutely loved this one. It was touching. I’m not sure some of the commas were needed, but since I’m not positive I won’t take points away for it. Excellent, intriguing opening, and a great ending.


*Anonymous
“The Joke to End All Jokes"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6.5
Overall: 15.5*

This one started off good. You had a great opening, great concept…and then it got cheesy. As soon as the “Marley” character started talking, I was like “Aw crap. I hope this gets better.” The ending was pretty good, but it was hard for me to really get into this one. I didn’t notice any SPAG issues.


*Anonymous
“After All These Years"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18.5*

I don’t usually care for second-person pov because I normally find it hard to get into, but this one was really good.



> I moved away and starting life anew in another city.




Started.

That’s all I could find wrong. Excellent, vivid writing, and it captures loss at that age perfectly.


*Anonymous
“Che Cooper"
Judge Entry*



> When unloading the coffin gale-force winds blew the flowers away into the torrential rain soaked darkness.


 
Needs a comma after coffin.



> we waited for our turn for an ambulance


 
We waited for an ambulance?



> Eventually, the part of the family that had not returned to their lives, had gathered round a tiny plot in Tirabad's cemetery to watch a box, with an old black and white photo in, be buried.


 
Remove those commas and rewrite this. It doesn’t read well.



> I dare not comment on that complexity.


 
I didn’t dare. Stick with past tense.

This story was certainly…interesting. Pretty well written, just needs a little more attention to detail when editing. Just out of curiosity, did you rush to meet the deadline?


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Cran’s scores]

* “Quid Pro Quo” 

Spelling/Grammar: 4.9
Tone/Voice:  4.6
Effect:  9.5
Overall: 19

Review*
My comments – 

A Twilight Zone sort of tale where a problem solver’s mind trapped in a paralysed body has the ability to tap into another realm where awaits a cooperative … something. It is not revealed whether the stroke awakened this ability; it probably doesn’t matter. The voice is earthy contemporary, and the narration consistent throughout. 

A single misplaced comma is the only real issue that springs to view. Overall, an effectively put together warning against mistreatment. Very well done. 



 [O1]No comma here if you mean ‘The Famous Mr P’, or no ‘the’ if you mean ‘So you’re famous, Mr P?’



* A Man in the Night

Spelling/Grammar: 4.8
Tone/Voice:  4.5
Effect:  8.7
Overall: 18

Review*
My comments –
An immediate return on karmic investment in this brief tale well told. The voice is contemporary conversational, and dialog dominates the flow. A couple of minor nits and a few questionable bits of description were spotted. Other than those, well done.



 [O1]Not capped

[O2]Competing sensations described here as if the same. ‘The burn’ is lactic acid buildup, commonly felt in the calf muscles; adrenaline surge – or rush – tends to counter awareness of the burn by increased blood flow, heightened strength and external sensory awareness, but diminished or negated internal awareness.

[O3]Who – but many miss that.

[O4]That’s remarkable night vision, or surprisingly good street lighting for a poor part of town.

[O5]Only one key in the door, I think; the rest would just hang around for moral support.

[O6]He was told to empty the wallet, not to toss it over. Why didn’t he do as he was told?

[O7]Huh? How? Why? He has a gun pressed against his forehead; even assuming he doesn’t close his own eyes at this point, how is he going to see anything other than the underside of the gun and the hand and forearm holding it?


* The Final Lesson

Spelling/Grammar: 4.7
Tone/Voice:  4.6
Effect:  9.2
Overall: 18.5

Review*
My comments –
With a carriage on cobbles and remote controlled mechanical assassins, this suggests an alternative reality – perhaps neo-Victorian. The former apprentice kills the master, but not for the usual reasons; this time, it’s not personal, it’s just business. Overall, well told with good flow, and only a few questionable issues that jarred along the way. 



 [O1]Considering what moonlight does to faces, this is a remarkable distinction of visual acuity.

[O2]What scene change are you signalling here? Are you suggesting that a long time passed between the shot and her straightening up?

[O3]I’m not sure dollop is the right word; that would give the blood the consistency of whipped cream.

[O4]Again, a remarkable distinction in moonlight.

[O5]Even considering the alternative history/alternative Earth aspect, I struggle to see how this should not be automatons.

[O6]As per previous comment.

[O7]New par – change of focus.


* A CryoLife Contract

Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice:  4.8
Effect:  8.7
Overall: 18.5

Review*
My comments – 
The choice: certain death in the near future, or uncertain life in the distant future; with a bet on life. A lightweight, but conformably realistic scenario of commercial realities just around the corner. Although it fell short of enthralling, it was well done.





* Patience 

Spelling/Grammar: 4.7
Tone/Voice:  5
Effect:  9.8
Overall: 19.5

Review*
My comments – 
An exceptional piece of work about an exceptional piece of work. It is a personal journey of a puzzle within a puzzle, and a satisfying solution. A few par shifts missed, but otherwise self-consistent in voice and flow. Very well done.



> [Removed]


 [O1]New par – focal shift

[O2]New par

[O3]New par


* The Joke to End All Jokes 

Spelling/Grammar: 4.9
Tone/Voice:  4.6
Effect:  8.5
Overall: 18

Review*
My comments – 
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; screw up the punch line, and the cosmos collapses. X-Files meets X-Factor, perhaps, in this oddly twisted tale that almost knocks ‘em dead. The secret to good comedy is timing; it seems the secret to appalling comedy is timeless. It was a laudable rather than laughable attempt to pitch the idea, but some ideas are damn near impossible to deliver. 

The complex par 7 included a number of focal shifts and needed a break; I selected only the most obvious of the options.


 [O1]New par – focal shift


* After All These Years

Spelling/Grammar: 4.4
Tone/Voice:  4.6
Effect:  9.5
Overall: 18.5

Review*
My comments -
This one is difficult. Critting works about personal loss is like … smacking a child or kicking a kitten. My natural instinct is to STFU, wish the writer strength and move on. Of course, that assumes the writing is non-fiction, a sharing of the writer’s own experience. So, is this a piece of fiction dressed up as non-fiction? Or is this a piece of non-fiction offered up as fiction? 

This one is difficult. As it unfolds, it slips into different points of view and different tenses, sometimes within the same par, and occasionally within the same sentence. Further, there are odd dips into English as a nether language. 

This one is difficult. It is at the same time insightful and murky. It is good and not good; well done and in need of much work. It is a paradox, an editor’s nightmare. As such, it might soar, or it might sink. 


 [O1]Common error and unnecessary addition to a simple statement.

[O2]‘had (or felt) contempt for’ or ‘was contemptuous of’ or, at a stretch ‘showed contempt at’ (but should really be ‘for’ again) – but this? No. Just no.

[O3]If this is trying to be poetic, it’s contradictory; if it is meant to be straightforward, the comma belongs after mourned.

[O4]Two sayings twisted into one something that doesn’t work. ‘I fell right back to sixteen’ is OK; ‘I felt like I was sixteen’ is OK; ‘And I was sixteen (again)’ is better.

[O5]New par – abstract focal shift

[O6]Rejoined or, because it was an it, and therefore a single bloated fish, rejoins, depending upon whether you’re playing with past or present tense at this point of the mixed-tense sentence, as implied by the use of ‘flash’ later in the same sentence.

[O7]Possibly a post error, but extra line return needed here.


* Che Cooper. (780 words)

Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice:  4
Effect:  6
Overall: 14

Review*
My Comments – 
You’re kidding, right? Lifting elements of ‘Letter from an Irish Mum’ and ‘Treasure Island’ and making a supposedly Welsh tale about a man with a Spanish baby name or nickname and an English surname? I’m sorry, but no. Just no. The other errors in this piece hardly matter after that.


 [O1]What I took, or What we took.

[O2]New par

[O3]because

[O4]Source - Letter from an Irish Mum.

[O5]Dam

[O6]Source - Letter from an Irish Mum

[O7]Moment’s

[O8]Source - Treasure Island

[O9]wake





[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=bazz cargo’s scores]

*Author: Anonymous 
Quid Pro Quo (language) (997 words)
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18/20*

Review:  
 Cleanly written, easy to read. Good start, builds nicely, has a cracking end, yet somehow I feel a little short changed, 1000 words is not enough, there is definitely a novel lurking in here.  

 Even in this short space you managed to build remarkably powerful series of images, well developed characters and the POV is spot on.  

 I am seriously jealous. I was hoping to quote a little to demonstrate but I would only end up reposting the whole damn thing.
 Thanks for a brilliant read
 BC


* Author: Anonymous 
A Man In The Night.
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17/20*

 Review:
 A good, solid read. I had a little trouble with the credibility factor, finding someone who would take a bullet for me? Possibly my dog, mind you he'd do anything for a biscuit.
 Thanks for an exceptional read
 BC


*Author: Anonymous 
The Final Lesson (991 words)
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20*

 Review:
 You... talk about playing to the audience. More twists and turns than mangled corkscrew. It was not until much later I realised that not a lot happens. You even got past the credibility gap, heartless assassin has feelings?  
 Now I want to read the rest of the novel.
 BC


*Author: Anonymous 
A CryoLife Contract
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18/20*

 Review:
 A little conversation, such deep philosophical questions hidden within it. Neat, clever and intriguing. A demonstration of how such themes can be explored in a work of fiction.
 This felt the right size, nothing rushed or padded, superb detailing. This subject has been explored time and time again and yet you still manage to find a new angle.  
 Superb read  
 BC


* Author: Anonymous 
Patience
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17/20*

 Review:
 This is a sleeper of a story, a bit of a puzzle which is very apt. The last act felt a little rushed although I cannot see why. I can imagine this as a good quality daytime TV drama. I especially liked how you used the tree as a motif.  
 Loved it
 BC


*Author: Anonymous 
The Joke to End All Jokes 
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20*

 Review:
 A perfectly formed flash, just the right length, nothing needs trimming, nice detail, flawless characterisation, can't find any nits. I can really go off people with this much talent.

Loved the idea that someone is trying to reboot the universe with a joke, very cool.
 Stunning.
 BC


* Author: Anonymous 
After All These Years
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Grammatically flawless writing
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20*

 Review:
 Potent stuff. Richly textured, rare use of POV, Yada yada, I could go on forever.  I'm not a big fan of maudlin sentimentality but this was done with such style it deserves a place in the hall of fame.
 Cracking read
 BC


*On a general note to all participants*
 I knew this was going to be a difficult task, I felt like a lager drinker judging a fine wine contest. I was going to describe the contestants as 'The Royalty of WF,' but that is so wrong. Nobody gets this good by accident of birth, it takes a lot of hard work. Gift? Maybe. Craftsmanship, artistry, love of words and story telling for sure.  

 It was an honour and a privilege to sit in one of the hot-seats, thank you for  this opportunity.  
 I will add one more thought, my mind was going to give everyone the top score, I was forced to listen to my gut so I have no idea why the scores are the way they are, in the end we all go by guts in more than one way.
 Well played.
 BC 
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=amsawtell’s scores]

*“Quid Pro Quo”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10

There’s some wonderful description here—I particularly liked “She was as fragile, colorful, and skittish as an exotic bird.”  I also liked the voice this is told through.  The character is interesting and there’s just enough told about these circumstances to leave the reader wondering.  I wondered whether the stroke and the ability were tied together—did one cause the other?  I think I’d prefer not knowing, honestly.

The only spelling error and grammatical error I found was “aids” in “ . . . to the nurses and aids . . .”  This should have been aides.  Per definition an “aide” is an assistant where “aid” is the act of assistance.

Despite how much I enjoyed this character’s voice I thought that he came off as sarcastic in the beginning when he was talking about how his life was ruled by the women in this setting.  It took me until the end to realize that he wasn’t being sarcastic about enjoying listening to these women.  This disconnect jolted me from the story and I had to read it again.

Overall I found the characters to be realistic, the plot interesting, and the action was well-paced.  Very enjoyable story.


*“A Man in the Night”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10

My favorite part was the last line delivered by Mr. Bradley.  There was something very James Bond-like in that line.  It caught my attention and I was excited to read the story because of it.  I was very disappointed when I read the actual story because there was nothing James Bond in it.

Overall the problem in this story is that the tone doesn’t match the plot or the characters. The dialogue was stiff in a way that didn’t match the characters and as this was a dialogue driven story this led to a surreal read.   I would have preferred seeing something more gritty, dirty, and realistic for these characters.

The ending needed tighter pacing to make the action feel real and immediate but, again, it’s bogged down in this strange lilting language that prevails throughout the story.   “Sweat dripped onto down his cheeks”—“down” and “onto” are switched.   There are other lines where the wording could have been switched to make the writing more concise.


*“The Final Lesson”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect:  7/10

I was fairly excited to see a steampunk entry.  I’m a fan of steampunk and generally love the Victorian era.

This is well-written and interesting but I had some issues with some of the phrasing.  A lot is made of how this room is lit.  In the first paragraph: “In the darkened bedchamber. . .  blanched in the moonlight.”  Is the room dark or is it moon lit?  I didn’t really notice it until the mention of a passing carriage’s light.  I kept wondering “If this room is dark then how do they see this or that?”

Secondly, “leather-clad thighs sticking to the bed frame” just seems awkward.  My third issue was with “Celia crushed the mattress” then later she released the “bed sheet.”  Those are two very different things.  Fourth, how does one “pinch” their eyes shut and pull a trigger at the same time?  I imagine “pinching” your eyes closed would involve fingers. 

Again, I really like the story and I’d love to see more of this sort of setting/genre.


*
"Patience"
Anonymous Entry*
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10


I found it easy to identify with this character because the voice was realistic and honest. This story really consists of five shorter stories that are all intertwined--each of which I think can be fleshed out more. However, they fit well enough within the confines of this story to create one narrative. I identified these stories thusly: "swamp tree," "father," "puzzle box," "mother," and "daughter." 


I feel that this story can be strengthened by taking this out of a chronological context and rearranging these so that there's a unifying theme--this case (because it directly addresses the title "Patience") would be the puzzle box. Bring this idea to the beginning of the story and it introduces the identifying theme the story is named after and allows it to be explored and thought upon by the reader as they continue for the rest--just something to think about.


The SPaG score for this story suffers because of two sentences. The first I'm not sure how to repunctuate to retain the voice and pacing as there are at least two ways to punctuate it.


"The swamp was no place for a boy, he'd said, his eyes wide and urgent, and he breathed shallow and fast and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying." This is spliced together with commas and really should be separated with periods into three sentences.


"I feared him after that, and stayed out of the swamp." This comma is not needed.


Overall this is a good story and could be one of the strongest I've read here with a bit of polish. Well done.


*“A CryoLife Contract”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10

I can identify with Jack’s ending sentiment—why not have his money for cancer research work for him?  The characters are consistent in their personalities, the main character grows through the narrative, and the dialogue is believable.

The only thing I truly had issue with was how many times an ellipses was used.  There were twelve total.  It was overwhelming at times.  I found them distracting. 

Overall the narrative was funny, the dialogue and characters realistic, and the writing smooth—a solid entry overall.


*“The Joke to End All Jokes”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
This took me a while to think through.  I found the writing consistent and smooth, without any jarring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. 

I thought “A CryoLife Contract” had a lot of ellipses but you had that one beat.  I counted nineteen used overall and they were even more distracting than the double-up on the word “nary.”  At the end you had a typo/spelling problem.  “One chance, he though . . .” should be “One chance, he _thought_.”

I didn’t find this funny (I have a hard-to-please sense of humor), which was strange considering that it’s a story about a comedian.  I did find it clever and had to look up a couple of references.  Yet in the end I was just left wondering, what was the joke?


*“After All These Years”*
*Anonymous*
SPAG:  3/5
Tone:  2/5
Effect:  5/10

Of all of these stories I could identify with this story about loss the most.  I was excited about reading this after the first two paragraphs and I loved the alliterative phrase, “austere autumn.”  I think that this would be stronger had it been focused on the day the two died or the summer or school year they died.  I think the emotional impact would have been stronger if we, the readers, had gotten to know Sarah and Jake.

There were tense issues throughout the bulk of the story. 

“Did you only matter to us yet _meant_ nothing to the world?”  Meant should be “mean.” 

“I was _contempt_ at the fresh faces . . .” Contempt should be “contemptuous.” 

“I moved away and _starting_ life anew in another city.”  Starting should be “started.”

“ . . . rode in with the waves, _encircling_ around like rabid fish . . .” Encircling should be “circled.”

“They tore into flesh and puppet the skin from within.”  Puppet is a noun and not a verb—this would be a great description if there was a verb in the second clause.

Overall, I was disappointed in this story.  Having lost so many in my life I tend to be protective and defensive of stories about loss but this one fell rather short.  There was so much jam-packed into this story in an attempt to make it stronger than it really is that all of the metaphors and similes became meaningless.  Parse this down to a single summer, a single expression of grief and loss and this will become much stronger.


*“Che Cooper”*
*Anonymous*
Judge Entry

This is the only story of this group which made me laugh out loud.  I appreciate that.

For such an interesting story the opening was weak.  I think, with the humor of the rest of the story, that there could be something more humorous and entertaining to open the story with. 

All of the songs listed need to be in quotations.

“ . . . ‘He was always away doing something stupid.’ There was a _moments_ silence . . .”  Moments needs an apostrophe. 

My favorite line: “’Drowned in a vat of whisky.  He was dragged out three times but kept jumping back in.’”  Now I have a new way to die to aspire towards. 
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Gumby’s scores]

*Author: Anonymous
Story: Quid Pro Quo
Spag: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19 * 

What an awesome story this is! As a reader, I appreciated all the little details you added to flesh out your characters. You made me feel as if they were real people, with real problems and even with a totally impossible story line, I could easily suspend my disbelief and buy into it. I appreciate that you left the mystery of who or what the collaborator was and didn’t force me into a conclusion. I always appreciate it when a story lets me speculate about the impossible. Imagination does such a good job of filling in those blanks. I think all readers have their own superstitious beliefs, whether they admit it or not, and when you force a conclusion that doesn’t fit within their scope of ‘possible’, it leaves them feeling flat.

*Author: Anonymous
Story: A Man in the Night
Spag: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 15*


This was a solid, moral story, which I love. I did think it a tad bit predictable. There weren’t any surprises or turn of events to grab me and immerse me in the story.  A predictable story line or ending, isn’t automatically a _bad thing_, look at all the famous, moral stories that we love. The ones where you _just know_ what the outcome will be, but you’re so caught up in _how _they get there, that you don’t mind knowing how it’s going to end. Think of those classics that you read, over and over again. It’s the telling of the story that brings you back, the emotional roller coaster ride you feel, the identifying with the characters. If you are going for that solid, ‘traditional’ ending, I think you have to work on fleshing out the characters a bit more, engage your readers emotions and imagination, make them feel as if they are right there in the story. For me, the dialog and descriptions felt a little too formal and distant, to accomplish that.


*Author: Anonymous
Story: The Final Lesson
Spag: 4
Tone/Voice 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 19*

This was a very well written story, with a polished feel to it. It drew me right in from the very first sentence and I was immediately hooked. As a reader I love that you made me think and I never once felt as if I knew what was going to happen. You left me wanting more and that’s always a good thing. I want to know what happens to Celia and I want to understand more about  this final lesson that Rone taught her with his death, with his choice not to kill Frederick Hames and his choice to not flee, but rather to face a most probable death. I was very impressed that you managed to make me care so much, in such a short amount of story. Well done.


*Author: Anonymous
Story: A CryoLife Contract
Spag: 3
Tone/Voice 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 13*

I loved the story and the idea that Mr. Tasken was going to just go for it and take a chance, as in what the hell did he have to lose? What I didn’t care for was the overuse of ellipses throughout, it actually distracted me from the storyline. There was also this one place: 





> The salesman cracked me a smile, and Jack couldn’t help but share it.


The word ‘me’ threw me for a loop and made me wonder who the heck you were talking about, but I decided that it was probably an oversight from when you did your edits.


*Author: Anonymous
Story: Patience
Spag: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 12*

I liked the concept of this story and I liked the authentic feel of the voice, I felt it matched the main character well. The spare feeling of this story, also felt like it matched the character, as in, this was how he would tell it.  However, for me it was a bit hard to follow as I felt it didn't flow smoothly and it jumped too quickly ahead. For instance, this sentence:  





> My mother had given birth to four other boys before me, each one of them stillborn.


felt completely out of place where it was, in the story. I think you could have expanded on that a bit more, maybe used it as the start of a paragraph on that particular subject. This left me feeling disjointed and diminished my enjoyment of the story, itself.


*Anonymous
Story: The Joke to End All Jokes
Spag: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

Interesting story, I could easily see this being a Twilight Zone episode. Had that quirky, offbeat feel to it, along with a hint of spookiness. I like that you didn’t reveal what the joke was that ended it all, also that you left us with a bit of hope in the end there, that he just might be able to restart the universe.


*Anonymous
Story: After All These Years
Spag: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10*

To me, this felt as if it was written by someone for whom English is a second language. Some of the word choices felt wrong, as if they were used incorrectly. Having said that, I still connected with the feeling of loss and guilt, the overwhelming emotions experienced when viewing the old films, so you did manage to reach me, as a reader, and make me feel something. On the downside, I did feel as if I got lost in some of the descriptive narrative and felt like it was a bit overdone.


*Story: Che Cooper
Spag: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11*

I liked the feel of this story and that Uncle Che was as interesting in death, as he was in life. You left me curious to know more about the man, himself, so well done there. I am also curious about this quest the young man was setting off for, I would like to know more about it, as it all felt very mysterious and I could sense that a great adventure is coming his way. I do think that this could have been fleshed out a bit more, as you certainly had enough words left in your limit to do so. For example, I would have explained more about the book he saw in the shop window and why it set off his imaginary light bulbs. 
[/spoiler2]



[spoiler2=Fan vote]
Patience: 4
Quid Pro Quo: 2
The Final Lesson: 1
A Man in the Night: 1
A CryoLife Contract: 1
The Joke to End All Jokes: 1
After All These Years: 1[/spoiler2]


----------



## Kyle R (Feb 5, 2015)

A big congrats to *Terry*, the champion of champions!  I knew that was your entry, by the way. Poetic, clever, and horrific. Your "anonymous" monicker didn't fool me.  Well done!

Applause goes to *shinyford*, as well! What an imaginative concept! Love the way the universe stalled out from a pun. Epic.

*Bishop*— Another fascinating concept! The salesman even had ME considering it! Did I even detect a nod to one of your novels? Very cool.

*Panc*— A sad, pretty, and poignant story about karma. Mr. Bradley is a hero. :encouragement:

*Plur*— A story crafted with layers, lyricism, and hidden compartments. One that perplexes and confounds, until you tilt it just right... Bravo.

*Guy*—You write like a poet, and the world is better for it. You'd scare the competition in any Literary Fiction market. :encouragement:

*Bazz*— Colorful, chaotic, whimsical. Fun, wild, crazy. Poignant, silly, clever. This is simultaneously zany and deep, depending on what angle you look at it, like a Picasso painting. Great work.

I loved all the stories for different reasons. Terrific entries.

And a big thanks to the judges for all your hard work.

*Folcro*— Sorry this one didn't work for you. You're spot on when you say that it seems I lean more toward the novel form. I've been waist-deep in a novel for months now. Stepped back into the land of Flash with my boots still wet, it seems. Thanks for the nits. Good things to consider! :encouragement:

*J*— Wrote "cocked" originally, then swapped it out for a less common word. It's a curse of mine—this addiction to using strange words when normal ones would suffice. I'm working to curb it. Glad the rest of the story grabbed you! Cheers. :encouragement:

*Cran*—Alternate reality, yes indeed. Was aiming for "a hint of steampunk" without going the whole nine yards. Good eye on the footnote nits/comments. I appreciate them, and I'm glad the story flowed well for you. Fun reading your summaries (not just on my entry, but on everyone's). They almost read like blurbs. Thanks for the feedback! :encouragement:

*Bazz*—I'm pleased this one worked for you! I was aiming for tension without outright conflict. Hoping for emotion without relying on spectacle. It seems like it was a nice combination for you. Thanks very much for the encouragement. No novel in the works for Celia at the moment, but maybe I'll reconsider. Hmm! Cheers! :encouragement:

*Amsaw*—Another fan of Steampunk, huh? Steampunk fans, unite! Mostly, I was aiming for a "Steampunk Light" feel, like a touch of steampunk, but not so much to turn off those who may dislike it. I played the angle timidly, but in the future I may play it bolder. Thanks for the sharp-eyed nits. I like to toy around with word-choice and expectations, but I'm working on dialing that back. Appreciate the encouraging comments! :encouragement:

*Cindy*—I'm very pleased this story worked for you. Wanting to read more? Sounds good to me! I wanted to write more about Celia, as well. Sometimes a thousand words rushes up on you before you know it. For me, this was one of those times. I'm glad to see I wasn't alone. Thanks for the kind words, and thanks for reading! :encouragement:

Finally, a big thanks to *Fin* for all your hard unsung work! Good things coming your way in this karmic universe. Good things. You'll see. :encouragement:


And in case you didn't notice what my favorite smiley is: :encouragement: (lol)


----------



## PiP (Feb 5, 2015)

Congratulations, Terry! Kyle, oh_ so close._ And Shiny - another near miss!


----------



## shinyford (Feb 5, 2015)

Congrats to Terry and Kyle - and indeed to everyone; a really strong bunch of stories. (Really like Patience BTW Plur; no idea it was yours, though. Guess I need to work harder to spot house styles.  )

Especially surprised and chuffed to mark high here, since I was completely blocked on finding anything for this right up to the penultimate day, when my son gave me the title to use. No time to over-think it, I guess, which can't be a bad thing. (Looks like I need to work on my punctuation a bit though: I think it's generally used okay, but boy, there's a lot of it! Time to rein in the ellipses, interrobangs and exclamations a bit, I think.)

Thanks hugely to all judges - your comments will be scrutinised for days and weeks to come, and hopefully I'll improve a bit. Always the best bit of these things, the feedback.

Thanks everyone - looking forward to Feb's!


----------



## Ariel (Feb 5, 2015)

I was the slacker of judges this time.  I somehow missed Pluralized entry when I first went over them.  Thanks to Fin for catching me.  I had fun being an anonymous judge and I had fun reading these wonderful stories.


----------



## Cran (Feb 5, 2015)

Kyle said:
			
		

> *Cran*—Alternate reality, yes indeed. Was aiming for "a hint of  steampunk" without going the whole nine yards...


I wondered about that, but to me the scene was too ... clean? too ... orderly, perhaps ... to really put it into steampunk, but that might just be a reflection of the limited exposure I've had to steampunk. 

Overall, I enjoyed the challenge ... and it was a challenge to judge this lot - very hard not to just say "great!" to each and leave it at that. I couldn't have picked any of the writers by the writing - which tells me I don't get into our Fiction sections anywhere near enough. That's something I will have to try and remedy as we move forward.


----------



## Bishop (Feb 5, 2015)

Woo hoo! Congrats to our top three, and frankly great work all around  I could not be more proud to be taking the helm of this challenge and can only look forward to seeing more fantastic writing in my time as the host!

Thanks to all the hard work from our judges, as well, and be sure to keep volunteering


----------



## J Anfinson (Feb 5, 2015)

Congrats to the winners, but even if you didn't win just look at how varied the scores are. It looks to me like all the stories have serious potential to get published, so get to revising and submitting!


----------



## Gumby (Feb 5, 2015)

Well done, all! For me, each story had parts to them that touched me, as a reader, which I appreciate. 

Congratulations to Terry and Kyle, yours were my favorite, too. 

Apologies for any shortcomings in my judging, but I really didn't feel qualified to judge the Spag aspect, as I struggle in that department, myself.


----------



## TKent (Feb 5, 2015)

Congrats to everyone!!  I am behind and haven't read all the stories, but looking forward to it!


----------



## Terry D (Feb 5, 2015)

When the stories started showing up in the workshop, I was very glad that I wasn’t a judge this time around. My sincere congratulations to everyone who entered, any story here could justify a winning score. To come out on top is rewarding, and humbling. My thanks to the judges for taking on such a daunting task.

*Folcro*— *My life is measured now not by clocks and calendars, but by the comings and goings of the women who tend me:* This was a very good line. Perhaps you should have started with it?

Funny you should mention that. Originally that was the opening line of the story, but for a number of reasons it had to be moved back.

“It's easier to fashion a plot now, but I don't think you needed one.” It’s my opinion that the LM is a _story_ competition first and foremost, not just a writing competition. The real challenge of the contest is to create a workable story within the word limit, so plot is imperative.

*But stupid is often mean:* Um... okay... (I think "But mean is often stupid" is preferred). Different phrase, different meaning.

“So his nerves are intact? Why can't he move?” Pain/feeling reception and motor fuction are controlled by different areas of the brain. A stroke can induce paralysis without impacting sensation.

*J Anfinson*— Those hyphens gave me grief too. I tried a couple of different things with them, but settled on what was written for no better reason than I was tired of worrying about it. The biggest problem they caused was with the word count. Word counts hyphenated words as one word and I didn’t want to push the 1,000 word mark and have those words counted a one each time (in effect getting seven words for the price of two) so I had to make some painful cuts to get it down.

*Cran*— You are spot-on on the comma. I completely missed that even with going through this thing a dozen times. My short stuff often reflects my childhood immersion in The Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Thriller, et.al. I suppose I should feel guilty about that, but what the hell?

*Bazz cargo*— Thanks for the glowing words. I’m glad you liked it. I don’t know if I could push my paralyzed Mr. Poulter as far as a novel, but now you’ve got me thinking…

*Amsawtell*— Good catch on the spelling error. I would have gone to my grave and never picked-up on that one. I’m happy you liked it. As I mentioned above, my main driver in these flash pieces is to tell a complete story.

*Gumby*— God bless your imagination! One of the hardest parts of flash fiction is deciding which details to leave in and which to cut. I never know if I get it right until I see the scores. Thanks.

Again, to all the judges and to all my fellow writers who entered, my thanks and congratulations.


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## Guy Faukes (Feb 5, 2015)

A hearty thank you to the judges for the time and effort in reviewing these dazzling pieces of work and to *Fin *for his long standing service. I salute thee. 

Congratulations to *TerryD*, *KyleR* and *shinyford *for their respective wins! I have much to learn from the masters *bows down*. 
*
Folcro* - Thank you for the kind praise! I get a little anxious when I see you on the judges panel, so I'm always happy when my work meets your tastes. 



			
				Folcro said:
			
		

> Ohh... you're talking to the people who died... that's like using bacon in a cooking contest, it's just... not fair.


:rofl:

*J Anfinson* - Thank you! I'm pleased that you enjoyed the piece :encouragement:

*Cran* - Any critique is welcome to me, no matter how brutal they are (as long as they are honest) or personal the work is. It is a composite of emotions and experiences, both mine and others. I really like how you organize your critique points... it's given me an idea... 



			
				Cran said:
			
		

> This one is difficult. It is at the same time insightful and murky. It is good and not good; well done and in need of much work. It is a paradox, an editor’s nightmare. As such, it might soar, or it might sink.



I think it's what happens when one has a sharp command of story structure, telling, and pacing, but still hasn't worked through amateurish impulses and indulgences. Needless to say, I have a lot of writing to do. 

Thank you for the earnest review.

*Bazz Cargo* - thank you for the very kind review! I don't think it deserved a perfect score, but I'm happy that it had such an effect on you. Thank you! 

*amsawtell* - a mystery judge is revealed! The biggest struggle was to put everything into context and bring Sara and Jake to life for the reader. You're right, the story could use more space the way it was presented and I should have focused on those two (since they were the core of the story). My apologies that it didn't resonate with a part of life that is so personal to you. I think I'm not completely over some of the emotions so there is some artificiality to the way it's presented here. Thank you, I'm inspired to approach it from a different angle when I get around to reworking it.

*Gumby* - I was surprised to see you on the judges panel, and I'm disappointed in myself for not achieving any particular standard with a master of poetry such as yourself. 



			
				Gumby said:
			
		

> To me, this felt as if it was written by someone for whom English is a second language.



Right in the stomach... but yeah, I did "George Bush Jr." it up on some occasions (not to offend anyone politically but just to pertain to his peculiar speeches). Some of the terms stick out bizarrely, mostly due to fatigue and amateurish impulses. I should have rewritten it in another draft, and I can see how it would make someone with experience and proficiency in the art cringe more than a few times.


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## bazz cargo (Feb 5, 2015)

Congratulations to Terry, Kyle and Shinyford. Thanks to Fin and my fellow judges.


 Folcro, o sharp assassin of fumble fingered fools. In retrospect I seem to have found a novel while I was looking for a short story. I have even started making notes...
 In a SpaG fight I want you on my side.


 Jake, you have me bang to rights. Battling illness and other trivia left me short of time so I went with the flow.


 Cran, I'm sure there is Viking blood in you.  
 1/ I had no idea 'Letter From An Irish Mum' existed.
 2/ Yes I deliberately referenced 'Treasure Island,' I was hoping to hint at pirates.
 3/ Cooper is also a  Welsh surname.
 4/ I was referencing Che Guevara.   


 Losing so much in translation means I need to pay more attention to how I present my ideas.


 Amsawtel, live long and prosper. This LM has been a bit embarrassing, my entries quality was below par for normal but up against the best of the best it just shows how  far I still have to climb. I ended up with something that may lead to a proper sized novel which is interesting.


 I'm glad the humour worked.  


 Gumby, lady of the manor.  I am curious about what happens next, someday I will be forced to write it to find out.


 A special 'amazeballs' to Bish, Plu, Guy and Panky, epic work.


 And so to bed.
 Sweet dreams.


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## Ibb (Feb 5, 2015)

These were all great stories and very fun to read. A congratulatory applause to everyone involved--judges, too, whose reviews I like to read as a sort of dessert to these things.

Terry D, congratulations on winning the gold. You made history--no matter who wins the second, third, or ump competition, you'll always be the first victor. Pretty sweet, right?

And congratulations to Pluralized, for snubbing the critics and becoming an international bestseller; now all that's left is to throw your money sacks into the air and snort cocaine off the slim bellies of blonde bodacious groupies sprawled out naked on your yacht. You Dickens, you. 

Seriously, though: all of these were great. Good job, everyone.


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## Pluralized (Feb 5, 2015)

Congrats to the winners, and thanks Fin. This was a fun thing to participate in. 

Ibb, I have no idea what the hell you're on about.


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## Guy Faukes (Feb 5, 2015)

Ibb said:


> And congratulations to Pluralized, for snubbing the critics and becoming an international bestseller; now all that's left is to throw your money sacks into the air and snort cocaine off the slim bellies of blonde bodacious groupies sprawled out naked on your yacht. You Dickens, you.



I'm just waiting for the snub. 

"Hey Plur, do you wanna.... what? You're not even going to acknowledge me? Oh yeah, well !@#$% you too 'Mr. I--now-have-an-opinion-about-the-capital-gains-tax'!"


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## Cran (Feb 5, 2015)

Terry D said:


> *Cran*— You are spot-on on the comma. I completely missed that even with going through this thing a dozen times. My short stuff often reflects my childhood immersion in The Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Thriller, et.al. I suppose I should feel guilty about that, but what the hell?


Don't be silly - you should hone it for a new generation to enjoy, and for the rest of us to enjoy again. 



Guy Faukes said:


> *Cran* - Any critique is welcome to me, no matter how brutal they are (as long as they are honest) or personal the work is. It is a composite of emotions and experiences, both mine and others. I really like how you organize your critique points... it's given me an idea...
> 
> I think it's what happens when one has a sharp command of story structure, telling, and pacing, but still hasn't worked through amateurish impulses and indulgences. Needless to say, I have a lot of writing to do.
> 
> ...


Don't be too quick to write off what you've done here; I meant what I said - this one could go either way, and that_ just because it is difficult_. 

It's the sort of difficult that could top the charts to the utter dismay of self-styled literary experts everywhere. It's really a question of whether it strikes the right nerve. It's not a story, or a style, that someone reads for enjoyment, but for discomfort ... and that can sell as much as the other. Think Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice, The Color Purple, hell, even Forrest Gump, and the rest of them, especially those ones that no one would have predicted and many would like to sit and pick apart to explain how terrible it is. Difficult sells. 

I couldn't tell how much or which bits were real and which were imagined; that's good!

I mentioned _odd dips into English as a nether language_. I could see that it was not someone with English as Second Language, but more like someone trying to write like English was not learned at school. If anything, that aspect could be brought forward, really established that this is our character and how our character speaks. It might not make sense to you, but it doesn't have to; it only has to make sense to our character and to anyone close enough to understand and translate when necessary. Again, people could point to any number of successful examples. 





bazz cargo said:


> Cran, I'm sure there is Viking blood in you.  Prussian/Irish mostly, but Vikings were known to visit both.
> 1/ I had no idea 'Letter From An Irish Mum' existed. Ah, well it's been around for many years and there are a few variations, but this -
> Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin  Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off  bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
> - Letter from an Irish Mother to Her Son ​- in whatever variant kind of sticks out.
> ...


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## Guy Faukes (Feb 6, 2015)

Cran said:


> Don't be too quick to write off what you've done here; I meant what I said - this one could go either way, and that_ just because it is difficult_.
> 
> It's the sort of difficult that could top the charts to the utter dismay of self-styled literary experts everywhere. It's really a question of whether it strikes the right nerve. It's not a story, or a style, that someone reads for enjoyment, but for discomfort ... and that can sell as much as the other. Think Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice, The Color Purple, hell, even Forrest Gump, and the rest of them, especially those ones that no one would have predicted and many would like to sit and pick apart to explain how terrible it is. Difficult sells.



That's an _incredibly_ scary thought. 



Cran said:


> I couldn't tell how much or which bits were real and which were imagined; that's good!
> 
> I mentioned _odd dips into English as a nether language_. I could see that it was not someone with English as Second Language, but more like someone trying to write like English was not learned at school. If anything, that aspect could be brought forward, really established that this is our character and how our character speaks. It might not make sense to you, but it doesn't have to; it only has to make sense to our character and to anyone close enough to understand and translate when necessary. Again, people could point to any number of successful examples.



No, no, that made sense. Even the part about it not making sense to the writer made sense... 

Pardon me, I must gather my thoughts as my brain just exploded over my keyboard...


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## bazz cargo (Feb 6, 2015)

@Cran. I googled 'The Letter from an Irish mum' expecting a book, like Adrian Mole, quite a surprise. The drowning joke goes back to the 70's and my childhood. Possibly we have dipped into the same source.



> *OP Kyle. Bazz*— Colorful, chaotic, whimsical. Fun, wild, crazy. Poignant,  silly, clever. This is simultaneously zany and deep, depending on what  angle you look at it, like a Picasso painting. Great work.


 I will have to read my own work to find out what you mean. Thanks, by the way, I voted for yours and didn't know it was you behind the story.



> *OP Terry D. Bazz cargo*— Thanks for the glowing words. I’m glad you liked it. I  don’t know if I could push my paralyzed Mr. Poulter as far as a novel,  but now you’ve got me thinking…


If you get a chance watch a film called 'Patrick.'



> *OP Guy Faukes. Bazz Cargo* - thank you for the very kind review! I don't think it  deserved a perfect score, but I'm happy that it had such an effect on  you. Thank you!


There have been a few stories that stop me in my tracks, or follow me around, you nailed it.


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## J Anfinson (Feb 6, 2015)

Terry D said:


> *J Anfinson*— Those hyphens gave me grief too. I tried a couple of different things with them, but settled on what was written for no better reason than I was tired of worrying about it. The biggest problem they caused was with the word count. Word counts hyphenated words as one word and I didn’t want to push the 1,000 word mark and have those words counted a one each time (in effect getting seven words for the price of two) so I had to make some painful cuts to get it down.



That's certainly understandable. Today I went through my bookshelf to see exactly how some of the big name authors handle that, and I discovered most don't use quotes. They just capitalize the first letters. When you go to beat this story into shape for submission somewhere, if you're not restricted to such a low word count, you might think about doing something similar.


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## midnightpoet (Feb 7, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners, and it still amazes me how much widely different the judge's opinions are on a particular story.  That's the magic of the process - seeing how each judge sees each story helps you with your own writings, even if you didn't participate.


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## Pluralized (Feb 14, 2015)

I've been without a proper keyboard all week, so my apologies for not responding here sooner - can't properly type on my stupid phone.  

Congratulations, Terry, Kyle, and Shiny. You guys are exceptional writers.

Thanks to all the judges; your efforts are always appreciated and reading these thousand-worders had to be something of a chore. Still, thanks so much for all of the input on my piece -- it's given me much to think about and to work on. And that's how we grow and improve. 

Fin, you'll always be part of the beauty of the LM's heart, and I want to thank you for your selfless input to its current success. It's been a lot of fun participating in this over the past couple of years that I've been competing and judging. Extra special thanks to you - hope you'll be seen around the forum every now and again.

Now, you judge-types - put an entry in the current LM competition so I can gnash and chomp and shred it to bits.


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