# Returning Time



## Meego (Oct 6, 2012)

*Returning Your Time*

Returning Your Time

Going back, back, back in time;
To a time, when I wasn't right in my mind.
A rain of memories are flooding my head,
Pouring droplets of pain and sadness.

You drained the storm in my life.
You wormed your way in and left tunnels,
That funneled, all my love to you.

But now, you take me back, back, back in time;
To a time, full of that familiar hail.
Thunder from my new wave of sadness resounds.
The weather of my emotions threaten to express itself.

The clarity of my expression fools those around me.
The tunnels in my heart leak to an aquifer of depression within.
My limits have almost breached its brim and on a whim,
I wish to go back, back, back in time;
To a time, where I would refuse your proposal of forever.

The unhealthy thoughts returning, returning,
as if I were still back, back, back in time.


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## shedpog329 (Oct 6, 2012)

*You cleared the storm in my life*

maybe something else other than cleared, like drained maybe?

and than _*funneled and all my love to you

*__so...

*You drained the storm in my life.
You wormed your way in and left tunnels,
That funneled, and all my love was to you

............



*_Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I thought it sounded clearer
but than again maybe not


anyway well written


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## Vitaly Ana (Oct 6, 2012)

The back, back, back (4 times) didn't do it for me. Reminded me more of a song, though you are quite creative and I really like the first stanza. Nice effort


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## Meego (Oct 6, 2012)

shedpog329 said:


> *You cleared the storm in my life*
> 
> maybe something else other than cleared, like drained maybe?
> 
> ...



Thank you, that is very helpful and I think it makes much more sense with the metaphor. Thanks!!


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## Meego (Oct 6, 2012)

Vitaly Ana said:


> The back, back, back (4 times) didn't do it for me. Reminded me more of a song, though you are quite creative and I really like the first stanza. Nice effort



I was hoping to give it more of a pantoum feel Poetry Form - The Pantoum and make it feel like more of poem with the repetition. (of course it isn't really a pantoum or it would be different but I was going for that kind of form for poetic purposes) I'm sorry it didn't go well with you though. Is it something that really hinders it?


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## Meego (Jan 24, 2014)

Bump for edits that I have made from comments but also from returning to it on my own. I hope these changes make it better.


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## Vitaly Ana (Jan 25, 2014)

I took the liberty of making some edits but this is your piece - adjust how you see fit. Nice work overall!

Going back in time -
when I wasn't in my right mind.
Memories rained from my head - 
a flood of pain and sadness.

You were a storm in my life
leaving tunnels that funneled, 
all my love to you.

But now, you take me back in time;
to that familiar hail.
to that lightning strike
to the sadness of drawn out 
thunder left in my heart.

The facade of my expression is a creative fool,
for tunnels in my heart leak in depression.
My limit breached; my pain reached
and I reach back in time 
to when I would refuse your proposal of forever.

The unhealthy thoughts have returned
as if I were still back, back, 

back in time.


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## Pandora (Jan 25, 2014)

I'm a repetition kind of gal, I guess I feel it more, I felt going back back back, it was almost dreamlike. As if it took some time to get
there. It might not be as accepted of a form but repetition speaks to me. I like the storm metaphors, good images and love this line . . .

_"The clarity of my expression fools those around me."_

isn't that the truth.


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## Meego (Jan 26, 2014)

Vitaly Ana said:


> I took the liberty of making some edits but this is your piece - adjust how you see fit. Nice work overall!
> 
> Going back in time -
> when I wasn't in my right mind.
> ...



Thank you, Vitaly Ana. You have made some very interesting changes! If nothing else, it's very cool to see how another writer can express these thoughts! I especially like what you did with the ending. Since this is a more drastic change, I'm going to have to take some time to see what I can incorporate. 

Thank you so much for taking the time out to do this!


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## Meego (Jan 26, 2014)

Pandora said:


> I'm a repetition kind of gal, I guess I feel it more, I felt going back back back, it was almost dreamlike. As if it took some time to get
> there. It might not be as accepted of a form but repetition speaks to me. I like the storm metaphors, good images and love this line . . .
> 
> _"The clarity of my expression fools those around me."_
> ...



I appreciate you letting me know that you liked the repetition, Pandora. I seem to be getting mixed reviews but I guess it's about preferences more than anything, huh? I don't usually go the repetition route myself but I guess I felt that the emotion I was trying to share and express felt repetitious; not just to myself but something maybe many people could possible relate to.

I'm so glad you liked that line as well! I had worked on it from its original line in order to make it flow better. 

Thanks for taking your time to reply!


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## Segrotlo (Jan 26, 2014)

(I haven't been on for some time)   

 Nevertheless I just read this and I do like thinking back (back, back).

There seems to be a lot of good ideas floating around here:

[favorite part]
"I wish to go back, back, back in time;
To a time, where I would refuse your proposal of forever."

[pardon me, but it was inspiring and so I just did]
But now, you take me back, back, back in time;
A time filled with that familiar hail.
Thundering forth new waves of sadness,
My weathered emotions threaten to resound.

[good line]
The unhealthy thoughts returning, returning,
as if I were still back, back, back in time.


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## Blade (Jan 28, 2014)

​I seem to have arrived rather late here but I do like the revision by Vitaly Ana in post #7. The problem I have with the repetition is that it consumes words and the readers attention without a corresponding increase of imagery or concepts.

I enjoyed it though, it is both thoughtful and emotional and takes some consideration to really grasp.:-D


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## Meego (Jan 28, 2014)

Segrotlo said:


> (I haven't been on for some time)
> 
> Nevertheless I just read this and I do like thinking back (back, back).
> 
> ...



Thank you, Segrotlo, for your great comments. I also really liked your adjustments to that one stanza. I feel like your version of the imagery is very solid. I will do my best to incorporate something similar in my own.  I also appreciate your feedback on the repetition. Thank you so very much!!


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## Meego (Jan 28, 2014)

Blade said:


> ​I seem to have arrived rather late here but I do like the revision by Vitaly Ana in post #7. The problem I have with the repetition is that it consumes words and the readers attention without a corresponding increase of imagery or concepts.
> 
> I enjoyed it though, it is both thoughtful and emotional and takes some consideration to really grasp.:-D



Blade, I really appreciate you explaining in a more specific way the draw backs to repetition. It helps me to understand the critique better than that of a preference. 

I'm not sure I'll completely get rid of it in this poem (especially with some people finding it appealing) but I think I will play with the amount of it. I'm glad that there were other aspects that you did enjoy. Thanks so much for your critiques!


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## Scoggs (Feb 4, 2014)

I personally Like the repetition included, but I guess that is more a matter of personal preference. I have a small problem with the lines. 
"The tunnels in my heart leak to an aquifer of depression within.
My limits have almost breached its brim and on a whim,"
When I think brim I think more of a cup, not an aquifer. It might be just my perspective but I think that the word "reached" would make more sense though I could be looking at it wrong.


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## Meego (Feb 9, 2014)

Scoggs said:


> I personally Like the repetition included, but I guess that is more a matter of personal preference. I have a small problem with the lines.
> "The tunnels in my heart leak to an aquifer of depression within.
> My limits have almost breached its brim and on a whim,"
> When I think brim I think more of a cup, not an aquifer. It might be just my perspective but I think that the word "reached" would make more sense though I could be looking at it wrong.



Hello Scoggs,

Thank you so much. You are very right about that. Brim might be a weird word choice when coupled with aquifer. I guess I was going for the overflowing feeling but it might be a poor choice of words. I'll take this into some consideration and try to rethink that line. Thank you!! I had also chosen breached for how it coupled with brim, so if I find a different word, reached might be much more appropriate substitute. 

Also, thank you for letting me know that you appreciate the repetition. It's nice to know so that I can give better consideration as to some of the edits I will be making. 

Thanks so much for your critiques!!


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## Blade (Feb 9, 2014)

Scoggs said:


> When I think brim I think more of a cup, not an aquifer. It might be just my perspective but I think that the word "reached" would make more sense though I could be looking at it wrong.


 I would agree with this. I think 'brim' is a visible sort of word referring almost always to something that can be seen whereas aquifer is a hidden, subterranean reference. 'Reached' works well for me as a replacement.:eagerness:


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## Gumby (Feb 14, 2014)

I would have to agree with the suggestion of losing all the repeats.  They distract me when done too much, even once makes me pause and can  take me out of the poem. 
I think you have some good material here and I look forward to seeing what changes you may make to it.


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## Meego (Feb 15, 2014)

Gumby said:


> I would have to agree with the suggestion of losing all the repeats.  They distract me when done too much, even once makes me pause and can  take me out of the poem.
> I think you have some good material here and I look forward to seeing what changes you may make to it.



Thank you so much. I have received tons of great feedback. I'm going to be working on this piece more so that I can hopefully create something even better.  I'll definitely be posting the revised version. I'm not sure if I'm going to remove the repetition completely since I have been told by some that they like it. However, I will be playing with the amount and location of the repetition. Hopefully, it will be something that fits better with both preferences?

Thanks for taking the time to read my piece!!!


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