# Queen addresses American people



## LeeC (Oct 30, 2016)

Never posted a news item before, but this was too good to pass up.


From The  New Yorker, Oct. 29, 2016 By Andy Borowitz
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/queen-offers-to-restore-british-rule-over-united-states

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.


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Don't know that it's the solution, but she hit the nail on the head.


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## dale (Oct 30, 2016)

what the hell is she even talking about? the UK isn't even a monarchy, anymore. she's a prop. she has no real power.
she's like a bad reality TV program. people only fawn over the british royalty because it would be "incorrect" not to.
brexit has  made their country better. ok. but it's not like "the british empire" has  anything to brag about nowadays.
they've lost the prestige  they had 100 years ago. and i'm not  trying to slam the UK. i like britain. but this propped up
"queen" has no place even running her mouth about American politics. vladmir putin could dog-walk her around the
block, nowadays.


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## Ariel (Oct 30, 2016)

It's a joke, Dale. There are no links to the televised report and the writer of the column is a comedian.


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## Ptolemy (Oct 30, 2016)

dale said:


> what the hell is she even talking about? the UK isn't even a monarchy, anymore. she's a prop. she has no real power.
> she's like a bad reality TV program. people only fawn over the british royalty because it would be "incorrect" not to.
> brexit has  made their country better. ok. but it's not like "the british empire" has  anything to brag about nowadays.
> they've lost the prestige  they had 100 years ago. and i'm not  trying to slam the UK. i like britain. but this propped up
> ...


You just got bamboozled


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## dale (Oct 30, 2016)

Ptolemy said:


> You just got bamboozled



lol. it's 2016. anything is believable.


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## LeeC (Oct 31, 2016)

dale said:


> lol. it's 2016. anything is believable.


Sorry to catch you at a bad time dale, but your reaction made it worth it 
It's like people laughing at me when I chase cars in my wheelchair. When life gets a bit dull, the best thing to do is polish the dullness ;-)


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## Phil Istine (Oct 31, 2016)

LeeC said:


> Never posted a news item before, but this was too good to pass up.
> 
> 
> From The  New Yorker, Oct. 29, 2016 By Andy Borowitz
> ...



After which she invited the American leader to a tea party - in Boston, Lincolnshire.


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## escorial (Oct 31, 2016)

not sure a cup of tea every hour and missionary sex in the dark would go down well over the pond....


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## PiP (Oct 31, 2016)

What a wonderful joke, Lee. You have a wicked sense of humour.


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## Schrody (Oct 31, 2016)

escorial said:


> not sure a cup of tea every hour and missionary sex in the dark would go down well over the pond....



Who's having sex in the darkness? :shock:


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## escorial (Oct 31, 2016)

i can't answer you Schrody unless you have a chaparone with you...


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## bobo (Oct 31, 2016)

LeeC said:


> Never posted a news item before, but this was too good to pass up.
> From The  New Yorker, Oct. 29, 2016 By Andy Borowitz
> http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/queen-offers-to-restore-british-rule-over-united-states
> Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
> ...




Here's another one (don't remember where I got it )
*A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN*
_
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
*Queen Elizabeth II
*
 In light of your current failure in nominating competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. _

_Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
 over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except for North Dakota, which
 she does not fancy).

 Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
 without the need for further elections.

 Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
 circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
 are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
 'labour' and 'neighbour.' 


 2. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
 or therapists. Guns should only be used for
 shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
 speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


 3. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
 dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
 you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


 4. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
 driving on the left side with immediate effect. 


 5. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
 calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


 6. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
 are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
 properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
 dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.


 7. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
 beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
 beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
 to as Lager. 


 8. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
 guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
 English characters. 


 9. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
 an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
 America. You will learn to play cricket. 


 10.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.


 11. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
 Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
 due (backdated to 1776).


 12. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper teacups, with
 saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes,
 plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 God Save the Queen!_

​


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## ppsage (Oct 31, 2016)

^^^Now I remember why.


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## Schrody (Oct 31, 2016)

escorial said:


> i can't answer you Schrody unless you have a chaparone with you...



 

I get it, grown up stuff :lol:


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## escorial (Oct 31, 2016)

Schrody said:


> I get it, grown up stuff :lol:



[video=youtube_share;LS37SNYjg8w]https://youtu.be/LS37SNYjg8w[/video]


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## Schrody (Oct 31, 2016)

Shame on you Es, shame on you.... 











:lol:


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## Deleted member 56686 (Oct 31, 2016)

Andy Borowitz is a satirist/comedian with a pretty sharp wit. I've seen his stuff a couple of times, he's quite funny.


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## The Green Shield (Oct 31, 2016)

Your Majesty,

You do NOT want to deal with our hot mess here.  Now go drink tea while stroking your puppies while I go eat hamburgers while watching baseball.

- Greenie


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## bdcharles (Oct 31, 2016)

The Green Shield said:


> Your Majesty,
> 
> You do NOT want to deal with our hot mess here.  Now go drink tea while stroking your puppies while I go eat hamburgers while watching baseball.
> 
> - Greenie




Dear Greenie,

Perhaps tea is precisely what you need, hmm?

- HRH The Big Q-Quizzler


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## The Green Shield (Oct 31, 2016)

bdcharles said:


> Dear Greenie,
> 
> Perhaps tea is precisely what you need, hmm?
> 
> - HRH The Big Q-Quizzler


A warm cup of tea would be nice. 

-  Greenie


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## LeeC (Oct 31, 2016)

@ bobo
Hadn't noticed the bit you put up. Only one off note in it to me. Alluding to the Dakotas situation could result in one's body never being found.


@ Esc
That's hilarious. Only problem was in lmao the wife took notice and got outraged. We all have our buttons 
Oh, and I always wondered why tea was such a bang up thing across the pond ;-) Reminds me of a story about a SILs wedding that I'll save for another day.


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## Courtjester (Nov 7, 2016)

I love it, and have often pictured myself emerging from the waters of New York Harbour like Neptune and reclaiming your country for the Crown. Trouble is I'm almost eighty years of age, I never could swim too well and - last but not least, we in the UK are probably in a worse state than you are. Pity we can only add the two negatives. If we could multiply them, we'd get a positive.


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## The Green Shield (Nov 7, 2016)

Courtjester said:


> I love it, and have often pictured myself emerging from the waters of New York Harbour like Neptune and reclaiming your country for the Crown. Trouble is I'm almost eighty years of age, I never could swim too well and - last but not least, we in the UK are probably in a worse state than you are. Pity we can only add the two negatives. If we could multiply them, we'd get a positive.


Trust me, we're both on the stern end of the sinking _Titanic._ Heh, I can see it already...

*America:* "This ship's gonna suck us down. Take a deep breath when I say; do not let go of my hand. Do you trust me?!"


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## Nellie (Nov 7, 2016)

The Green Shield said:


> Trust me, we're both on the stern end of the sinking _Titanic._ Heh, I can see it already...
> 
> *America:* "This ship's gonna suck us down. Take a deep breath when I say; do not let go of my hand. Do you trust me?!"




I trust no one! Our ship is going down FAST!


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## The Green Shield (Nov 7, 2016)

Nellie said:


> I trust no one! Our ship is going down FAST!


Climb the masts! Man the lifeboats -- if there any left! Take our stupid captain from his stupor and make him..._do something!!!_ Now we need some brave band to play _Nearer My God To Thee_​ while we do all this dramatically!!!!


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## midnightpoet (Nov 7, 2016)

I know! Force all the a$$holes to stay on the ship and the rest of us good people man (person?) the lifeboats!:icon_joker:


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## The Green Shield (Nov 7, 2016)

midnightpoet said:


> I know! Force all the a$$holes to stay on the ship and the rest of us good people man (person?) the lifeboats!:icon_joker:


I've contacted a German U-Boat. They will ram the ship full of assholes while escorting the rest of us good folks to safety.


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