# Genesis



## Firemajic (Feb 22, 2016)

*Like an astronomer who saw the vastness
of outer space for the first time
I glimpsed ancient unknown worlds of alien origin
the past and the future, an endless continuum of time
and saw the birth of all creation in your eyes

I was inexorably pulled into your mesmerizing orbit
spinning through infinite time and space
breathless, defeated, disassembled and recreated
I saw myself in endless refracted reflections
a tiny speck in the universe of galaxies in your eyes

I felt you, in the marrow of my bones
a primal basic need and unfathomable hunger
reduced to animal instinct and desire
a solar flare of passion
ignited by the cosmic mystery of your eyes

Infinity, and far beyond things viewed,
but discovered in the mechanics of my heart
and eclipsed deep in the center of my soul
predestination revealed, then
destroyed in the blink of your eyes...

*


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## Glyax (Feb 22, 2016)

So, I'm totes still learning how to apply edits directly in the reply, so not going to fuddle with it here and now.  That being said, I really enjoyed this piece.  While little parts here and there I wanted to tweak in my mind, that is more just personal preference (and likely additionally a result of societal upbringing and gender differences ).  My own personal bias/flaws aside, splendid piece, well deserved, and capable of "A nova, old to new, of experience through your eyes" .


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

Glyax...  lol... please feel free to tweak away, I would be fascinated to see what you would change, I can't learn, if you don't teach me.. Thank you for reading and commenting..


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## RHPeat (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic

the *Epistrophe *at the end of each stanza "your eyes" works well in this poem as a repeating musical device between stanzas.  

But you might take a look at the over use of the simple "of" metaphorical device that can get out of hand at times. They can become chained together in long lines like in your poem and create a over indulgence that forms a weakness in the poem's form/content. There are better ways of writing metaphors or to form figurative language that will offer more to the poem's content and intent without such a reliance on the word "of" within the poem's structure of figurative speech. I just marked them for you; at times writer's aren't even aware that they are using them. There are many ways to fix them or replace them. Here are just a few ways. 

use a comma, 
use a stronger preposition, 
reversing the order in the line, 
form a contrast/ antithesis,
use a possessive word, 
just cut the word, 
use a verb instead, 
make two short sentences instead of a prepositional phrase.

Here's the marked poem for you, to show the over use of the device in the poem as a whole. I'm not saying its wrong to use the word, but be wise when you do use it. It can become an easy out and it makes a weak metaphor in most cases. And the text of the poem can become stronger and more interesting without the over use of the preposition "of."

*Genesis *
*Like an astronomer who saw the vastness
(of) outer space for the first time
I glimpsed ancient unknown worlds (of) alien origin
the past and the future, an endless continuum (of) time
and saw the birth (of) all creation in your eyes

I was inexorably pulled into your mesmerizing orbit
spinning through infinite time and space
breathless, defeated, disassembled and recreated
I saw myself in endless refracted reflections
a tiny speck in the universe (of) galaxies in your eyes

I felt you, in the marrow (of) my bones
a primal basic need and unfathomable hunger
reduced to animal instinct and desire
a solar flare (of) passion
ignited by the cosmic mystery (of) your eyes

Infinity, and far beyond things viewed,
but discovered in the mechanics (of) my heart
and eclipsed deep in the center (of) my soul
predestination revealed, then
destroyed in the blink (of) your eyes...*

The over use of prepositional phrases in general can weaken a poem just like too many adjectives or adverbs can begin to mislead your intent in the poem. I would suggest being more creative with the use of the figurative language in the poem. Try some other things and mix it up a bit; learn to write a conceit as an extended metaphor, but even if some of these doubled lines were written as "double compound metaphors" you would improve the poem greatly. If you don't know what that kind metaphor entails, look up the term with the name Archibald MacLeish. You'll find it on the net I'm sure. It was talked about at length in his text book, Poetry and Experience, when he taught at Yale University. He speaks about its historical use of this kind of metaphor in poetry. It's made up of 4 components rather than just 2 components like a common metaphor. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

OHHhhh sheeeeit!!!! ELEVEN??? I counted 11 times I wimped out and used the word "OF"... That's not good..hahaaa, it's like eating Dorito's .... I can't stop at just one... I don't know how I missed that...anyway, I will definitely work on this, and try to cut "OF" back by at least half.. Thank you for the challenge....


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## Sonata (Feb 23, 2016)

I like your poem but have problems in connecting the Genesis I know [not counting the musical one] with it.  Maybe it is the title?  



> Genesis - In the beginning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.



Anyhow, that is my problem being who and what I am so please forgive me for that.    

But having read and re-read it, both just reading silently and then reading out loud, I liked and still like it, and to be honest I did not notice a surfeit of "of" - because reading it out loud they do not seem to intrude.  I just like it as it is.


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## Glyax (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Glyax...  lol... please feel free to tweak away, I would be fascinated to see what you would change, I can't learn, if you don't teach me.. Thank you for reading and commenting..



Okie dokie (I don't know how to do the cool colour changes/strikethroughs etc on this forum).  As such, below is how I would have tweaked it, if I had had the epiphany and skill to concieve and create what you have.

*An astronomer who saw the vastness
of space for the first time;
I glimpsed ancient worlds of alien origin;
saw the past and the future, felt the continuum of time:
I saw genesis in your eyes

Inexorably was I pulled into your mesmerizing orbit,
spinning infinitely through time and space.
Breathless, defeated, disassembled, recreated:
I saw myself refracted, reflected, scattered:
Insignificant in the galaxies in your eyes.

I felt you, in the marrow of my bones,
a primal, basic need: Unfathomable hunger
reduced to animal instinct and desire
a solar flare of passion:
A super nova ignited by your eyes

Omniscience, far beyond things viewed,
discovered in the mechanics of my heart
eclipsed deep in the center of my soul
predestination revealed, then destroyed
with a blink of your eyes...*
--------------

That being said, I feel the others have definitely provided you with good critique, and am interested to see how you move it forward .  When you start at the precipt of existence, it's hard to move forward


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## PiP (Feb 23, 2016)

Apologies, Fire, for digression...


Glyax said:


> Okie dokie (I don't know how to do the cool colour changes/strikethroughs etc on this forum).



Hi Glyax, use the Go Advanced button at the bottom RH corner of the comment box


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

Glyax said:


> Okie dokie (I don't know how to do the cool colour changes/strikethroughs etc on this forum).  As such, below is how I would have tweaked it, if I had had the epiphany and skill to concieve and create what you have.
> 
> *An astronomer who saw the vastness
> of space for the first time;
> ...





Glyax.... what have you done!!! THIS is exactly what I WISH I would have written... what I was TRYING to express... Can I keep it?? Please...


Sonata... Genesis... I used it here to show that I was recreated.. changed into something new.. something like that... Thank you for your comments...


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## Sonata (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Sonata... Genesis... I used it here to show that I was recreated.. changed into something new.. something like that... Thank you for your comments...



I hope you were not insulted by my comment.  If you were, please forgive me.


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

lmao... Not insulted at ALL, Sonata! Sometimes something makes sense to me.. but may be obscure to someone else...


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## Glyax (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Glyax.... what have you done!!! THIS is exactly what I WISH I would have written... what I was TRYING to express... Can I keep it?? Please...
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> You flatter me .  You did write that, you expressed it, I simply brought it forth, tweaked just enough, for you to see the beauty of your words.  As it is and was always yours, of course you may keep it


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

squeeeeeek!!! Fabulous! Now I just have to get rid of the *$^^#%#%&%$ "OF's" that RHPeat pointed out, but I am stalled.. I have hit the wall... Thank you for your sublime critique...


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## Glyax (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> squeeeeeek!!! Fabulous! Now I just have to get rid of the *$^^#%#%&%$ "OF's" that RHPeat pointed out, but I am stalled.. I have hit the wall... Thank you for your sublime critique...


  I think I helped there as well, the one I posted has only 6 ofs


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## Firemajic (Feb 23, 2016)

OH.... well then, my work here is done! I wanted to leave in a few... juuussst NOT eleven... soooo, Thank you..


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## Sonata (Feb 23, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> lmao... Not insulted at ALL, Sonata! Sometimes something makes sense to me.. but may be obscure to someone else...



Oh I knew what you were saying and understood it all.  I also understood your reference to Genesis and appreciate what you were saying.

And I liked it and still like it.


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## escorial (Feb 25, 2016)

Beautiful words....


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## Radrook (Feb 28, 2016)

So please feel free to reject any suggestion that you deem to be unhelpful.

I consider this a masterpiece far beyond my ability to produce. A truly mesmerizing use of words which envelops the reader into the intense experience it describes in a very scintillating, extraordinary way.

I especially like how each stanza focuses on an aspect of the phenomenon of the eyes and how the poem always stays true to the astronomical ambiance it set at the start. For example, the comparison of "her" attraction to a gravitational force and the persona being pulled into an orbit and ignited desire compared to a solar flare. 

I also like how each stanza ends with:

....in your eyes
....in your eyes
....of your eyes
....of your eyes....

emphasizing the theme and reminding the reader of the source of the experience.



The only very slight pause for me was the word "soul" which conjured up religion. I imagine that some atheist readers would probably be distracted by it or take umbrage while others might call it a use of cliche. But for me it is a very minor thing which I only mention in order to perhaps increase your awareness of its possible effect on some of your readers.

 "center of my being" is available should you choose to change it.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem.

Peace!


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## Firemajic (Feb 28, 2016)

Radrook, I appreciate your comments, thank you for taking the time to read, and give this some thought.. I don't know any other word to use, except "soul" to express the depth of my emotion, but of course I am open to suggestions...


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## Radrook (Feb 28, 2016)

"center of my being" is available if you ever wish to use it.
But as I said, the poem is far beyond my ability to produce and I consider it a masterpiece as it stands now.


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## Firemajic (Feb 29, 2016)

Thank you for your kind words.. I appreciate..
Thanks to all who read and commented, and thanks to all who "Liked" this poem...


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