# Moments in Time



## Pelwrath (Dec 17, 2017)

*Moments in Time
*
Our minds sight goes beyond that of
Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages, and stonemason’s block.
That beauty is through gauze veiled eyes.
Our mind is a camera, always recording.
Restoring a memory of a lover past,
The aphrodisiac taste of your favorite meal,
A good friends calming voice, when depressed,
Those moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images are stored for when events chew us up.
To heal the mind, restore the soul, repair the body.
Enjoy this journey through those moments in time.
A series of dots, our mind connects,
Into a movie called life.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Dec 17, 2017)

I like the last line but my suggestion would be instead of the word 'movie' you could use 'film' instead.


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## shedpog329 (Dec 17, 2017)

beautiful, with time comes understanding...thats what I've learned from all of this.


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## tinacrabapple (Dec 18, 2017)

I wish there was a more personal touch to the poem, but overall I enjoyed the central idea of social-emotional memories to help us cope with the hard times.  It feels like there is a great distance between the writer and the poem.


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## Firemajic (Dec 18, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> *Moments in Time
> *
> Our minds sight goes beyond that of
> This is a weak opening line....
> ...




I get where you are going....but, I want MORE from you...  I am craving champagne .... and you served me warm beer..... when writing poetry... UNCHAIN your creativity, play with every crayon in your box, and scribble OUTSIDE of the lines.... stop holding back!
when you use vague statements... "enjoy this journey"... you are leaving your reader hungry!! Life is fabulous, ugly, enchanting, terrible....enjoy? NO.... celebrate! mourn! curse!.... not enjoy..... anyway.... yeah... push and pull, tear your art apart... set it on FIRE....


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## Pelwrath (Dec 19, 2017)

At what point is using undefined or non ridged words and phrases okay.  I don't want to TELL or spoon feed the reader. The more open the more interpretations can be drawn, esoteric if you will.  Art can be abstract so can poetry or is that considered bad poetry? I might also, being new to poetry, horribly mangling what they were, meant and espoused.

 P.S.
 I will look at revising this poem and your suggestions, especially the opening and closing lines.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 19, 2017)

I've spent hours working on this revision, reading the suggestions, searching the net for what poetry is, it's types, genre's and structure...that might not have been a good idea. Only the end up more confused about how to write poetry. Shoe v Tell, active v passive, all I could glean is that the rules of prose do and don't apply, poetic license  does and doesn't apply.
I'm Jason stuck between Scylla and Carbides.  Hopefully I've improved on this poem.


*Moments in Time*
Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.
The camera of our mind’s eye, always recording. 
Moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images stored because the tornado of life sometimes necessitates a cocoon.
To heal the mutilated mind, restore the stripped soul, and repair the broken body.
Chrysalis chambers metamorphic creation soon will produce fruit.
What will the world think of the new me?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.
Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.
They've learned the ultimate truth.
The world changes the butterfly,
Millions of butterflies change the world.


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## shedpog329 (Dec 19, 2017)

This has really transformed into a whole new, but beautiful, poem with many unraveling layers of meaning and understanding.  Great work.

I love this line in particular;

"Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent."

It reminds me of human emotions to that of almost like weather patterns, someday's skies or filled with sunshine, others, days are grey.  Sometimes you'll wake up jumping for joy, sometimes, on the wrong side of the bed, weathering a storm.  Though everyday is different and often times our emotions seem to be a balancing act, its important to know that nothing lasts forever and life's sequencing of events are always changing. 

I also enjoyed this last line, it was extremely creative, brilliant!

"The world changes the butterfly,
Millions of butterflies change the world."

As I look at the poem in its entirety, I envision it as the study of a picture or an image, and the narrators unrelenting quest to find and preserve its beauty.  "A pictures worth a thousand words" they say, which makes me wonder if a photo album of sorts must be worth archives.  Its interesting how when people go to a museum or maybe just look at a painting or image or whatever, and each to their own, interpret art with a personal, often emotional cognition.  Many different interpretations, many different understandings on how the world of art should be.  Very interesting

Anyway Pelwrath, I really enjoyed this re write, I think it may be your best poem yet....at least in my little world.


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## Firemajic (Dec 19, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> *Moments in Time
> *
> Our minds sight goes beyond that of
> Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages, and stonemason’s block.
> ...





			
				Pelwrath;[SIZE=3 said:
			
		

> [/SIZE]*Moments in Time*
> Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
> Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.
> The camera of our mind’s eye, always recording.
> ...




I am IMPRESSED! I love that you implemented some of my suggestions... but did it YOUR way!! YOUR voice. I would love to know... how do YOU feel about the changes you made? Are you pleased?
This poem now, speaks in imagery... this poem is NOT vague, it has a message!
I can now hear you... you have a distinctive voice.... 
I broke this into stanzas, stanzas help your reader move from thought to thought... like shifting gears, accelerating to the finish line... What do you think?


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## Pelwrath (Dec 19, 2017)

@firemajic:

     The first thing I did was read my poem and think on what I was trying to convey.  Then, I inserted all the suggestions and read the poem again and asked myself if either version sounded better...no answer as I hadn't answered the first question, what was I trying to convey.  Some poetry has stringent rules, cinquain, symmetrical alliteration to name two. I'm familiar with the later and seem to have made a mess of one with the former. This poem is free style, no rules.
So, back to what I wrote was what I liked,( esoteric feelings, general hints to allow the reader to gather their own meaning) not what I wanted to convey.

I realized what I wanted, the suggestions and critique I received, so I deconstructed the poem. Took lines out, moved lines around, about 4hrs later I went to bed.  Woke up and resumed. What are my(perceived) strengths in poetry, as a writer, as a listener.  I realized the skeleton was there, it just need to be fleshed out.  I had posted a bad poem, so I wrote the poem I should've written.  It was harder to admit that I had failed that it was to change my poem.

I'm pleased that at least two people were able to gather a meaning from my words. I'm pleased that I was able to write a sensible poem. I wa spleased that I understood what I need as much as what the poem needed.Hopefully more who read it and didn't post a reply did as well.


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## Firemajic (Dec 20, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> @firemajic:
> 
> 
> 
> .  I realized the skeleton was there, it just need to be fleshed out.  I had posted a bad poem, so I wrote the poem I should've written.  It was harder to admit that I had failed that it was to change my poem.





You did NOT fail.... and you did not post a bad poem.. as you said in your quote above.... "The skeleton was there, it just needed to be fleshed out"... yes, you needed meat on those bones! 

I wanted to push you to dig deep... to go farther .... and you did.... you worked HARD, you researched...  so your first poem was not a failure... it was a vital stepping stone....


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## Darkkin (Dec 20, 2017)

A universal truth in all writing, every first draft ever written has been rough, flawed in some way.  None has ever been perfect.  To expect a perfect first draft is to damn one's self to unremitting failure because from the start writing is flawed quite simply because people are.  Failure in writing happens, if and only if, a writer cannot accept the fact that no writing is perfect and thus, must allow for the capacity to adapt (revise).  It is all part and parcel of the process.  Remember that it is an active, ongoing process.  If readers relate to the main idea and have a reasonable understanding of the piece...Guess what!  Sucess!  Yes, the piece still needs work, but the reader did not throw in the towel half way through.

To illustrate, consider placing the revised piece you have in this thread, side by side with this piece you posted.  The subject is the same but the approaches are miles apart.  Read them both aloud.  Consider what you see, what you hear.  This is the writing process in action.  You had the sense to listen.  To take a step back and look to your basics.  You are laying foundation work, something that all good writers need.

Writers who make no revision, those who are convinced their work is word perfect out of the gate...That is where the critical difference between a rough draft and failure rests.  In the hands, the mindset, and actions of the writer.

You took suggestions into account, so how is that failure?  A rough draft is a rough draft for a reason.  It is a truth of writing's reality.

One thing to maybe consider, you start with a list.  Good word choice, but it is inert.  How as a writer, can you actively engage the reader?

e.g.

For the painter, canvas
oil and water, never mixing, 
acrylics a harsh medium.

Calligraphy, silhouette of dreams,
laid down in ink, bound to vellum,
wonder imprisoned by fine sand.

And what of the common man,
labours of hard, oft bitter earth...
the days of their lives are writ

In weathered, still standing stone.


As a reader, it seems almost like you have two pieces here.  One set within the modern context of day to day family life.  Memories captured. Change, if you will.  And then there is the first stanza ending with your line:  Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.  The first grouping from the painter to the veil, that is a poem in and of itself.  It doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the piece.

Something to try.  Read your piece aloud.  Listen hard to what you hear.  Then read your revised piece _*without*_ the first two lines.  Read it aloud.  Start with your camera line and consider what you hear.

The context firms up considerably without the first two lines.  Those have great potential that you need to expand on, but they just don't mesh with the concept of time and change. That is too abstract for time.  It is a separate concept.  Wonder, a legacy of the creative self.

Don't overpower your idea, by keeping the allegories of change and the documentation of the change and what one will become, you solidify your message.  Draw a line in the sand and toe it.  Edges around an axis, a spiral.

If need be, consider writing a companion piece looking into the creative aspects of the individual and how those are a mirror of the individual's views of their world.  A translation matrix, if you will.  In essence, what can be done with the potential gathered in the first piece.



Just some thoughts.

- D.


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## Darkkin (Dec 20, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> *Moments in Time*
> Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
> Beauty through gauze veiled eyes. See comments above.
> 
> ...




It needs pruning, but you have a good, very solid piece, Pel.  Lightyears of progress from where you started.

- D.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 26, 2017)

Darkkin & Firemajik:

   Thank you both  so very much for your critiques, suggestions, and support.  I do need to work on separating an unfinished product from one I'm not sure is finished.  The question I have is that you both provided excellent feedback and though one isn't better than the other, they seem different. Darkkin's comes across as not liking several lines that Firemajik does, he doesn't mention several things you do. 
How does one balance, decide or even know when to change what others are divided on or have different opinions on?


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## Firemajic (Dec 26, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> Darkkin & Firemajik:
> 
> Thank you both  so very much for your critiques, suggestions, and support.  I do need to work on separating an unfinished product from one I'm not sure is finished.  The question I have is that you both provided excellent feedback and though one isn't better than the other, they seem different. Darkkin's comes across as not liking several lines that Firemajik does, he doesn't mention several things you do.
> How does one balance, decide or even know when to change what others are divided on or have different opinions on?




Well, that IS a good question... it really becomes a matter of deciding what works for YOU... for your style, message and the delivery of your message... I usually have an "ah ha" moment when  a critique works for me....


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## Darkkin (Dec 26, 2017)

What is presented in critique is merely suggestion, examples, not how a piece should be written.  Only you can write your piece.  Different readers will notice different aspects, so be prepared to balance observations with a grain of salt.  Consider what works for you and what your goal for the piece is.  And I am a she, not a he...

- D.


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## TL Murphy (Dec 27, 2017)

*Moments in Time*

Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.
The camera of our mind’s eye, always recording. 
Moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images stored because the tornado of life sometimes necessitates a cocoon.
To heal the mutilated mind, restore the stripped soul, and repair the broken body.
Chrysalis chambers metamorphic creation soon will produce fruit.
What will the world think of the new me?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.
Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.
They've learned the ultimate truth.
The world changes the butterfly,
Millions of butterflies change the world.


Great job on the revision.  You are definately moving in the right direction.  A couple of things to think about:

Cut redundancies - a moment is time and time is a moment. Sso to say “a moment in time” is like saying “a time of time” -
”butterflies” (plural) come in vast numbers, so you don’t need to say millions.  Just saying butterflies implies all butterflies.  Cut “millions of” from the last line and you’ve got a dynamite ending.

Cut the explanations. They tell...  “because the tornado of life blah, blah, blah” - “It matters not,. Neither is permanent.” - “saved by parents that care. They’ve learned the ultimate truth.” All these lines _tell_ (There are other lines that tell too, but I’ll let you find them) and detract from the impact of the images.  Let the images speak for themselves without the editorializing.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 27, 2017)

Thanks TL, just like in prose TELL is not acceptable in poetry.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 27, 2017)

How to do another revision based on my marking where suggestions are made to remove/change the 1st revision.

DARKKIN's suggestions as best ID'd as I could.

*Momentsin Time*
Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.
The camera of our mind’s eye, always recording.
Moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images stored because the tornado of life sometimes necessitates a cocoon.
To heal the mutilated mind, restore the stripped soul, and repair the broken body.
Chrysalis chambers metamorphic creation soon will produce fruit.
What will the world think of the new me?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.
Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.
They had learned the ultimate truth.
The world changes the butterfly,
Millions of butterflies change the world.






TL' suggestions/changes

*Momentsin Time*
Painter’scanvas, calligrapher’s pages and stonemason’s block.
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.
The camera of our mind’s eye, always recording.
Moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images stored because the tornado of life sometimes necessitates a cocoon.
To heal the mutilated mind, restore the stripped soul, and repair the broken body.
Chrysalis chambers metamorphic creation soon will produce fruit.
What will the world think of the new me?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.
Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.


Was my POV shift the result of inexperienced exuberant rush to improve?  No, it was my making  the poem personal, by bringing myself into the poem to join the reader.

TELL vs. SHOW, other poems of mine have been knocked for be far to nebulous and esoteric. Now, they're knocked for not being that?

Poetic licence does indeed exist but you need permission and skill to use  it, both of which I seem to lack. 

I'll work on the next version but based on the about anywhere from 40-60% of the poem is under review for demolition.

Maybe I'll title the revision Dead Horse.

At what point, if any, does making the suggestions of others no longer make it my poem?  I know, take what I want to and like, ignore the rest but consider the weight of your reputation? I just need glance at your awards to know who's opinion is better than mine when considering poetry.  It's fantastic to read your of your support and about my improvement.  Then I see a project more like urban renewal that a few tweaks. I don't want and never expected writing to be easy, yet watching the light at the end of the tunnel get what seems father than closer to me, is disheartening to say the least.


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## Firemajic (Dec 27, 2017)

whoa ... hold on now...You are not required to change ANYTHING... these are only suggestions... a different way to say the same thing, suggestions should NEVER change the core of YOUR message... 
Critique is NOT meant to confuse you... it is meant to give you a different POV...


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## Pelwrath (Dec 27, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> whoa ... hold on now...You are not required to change ANYTHING... these are only suggestions... a different way to say the same thing, suggestions should NEVER change the core of YOUR message...
> Critique is NOT meant to confuse you... it is meant to give you a different POV...



There is a good part of me that does understand that. There is also a smaller part, that sees the awards in your box's, recognizes your experience and thinks. _ "These people know what the heck they're talking about!"_
  I guess the  best word to describe that feeling is awe or maybe intimidation.  To ignore all of your advice seems a kin to the field mouse flipping his finger at the descending hawk.  I know and feel that such isn't anyone's attempt or plan. That's a me thing, I allow such to happen. Lack of experience and confidence are the contributing factors.  
I know that each poem I've revised has improved and that I've try to do it my way, as much as possible. I'll do my best with the revision to keep doing that.


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## Firemajic (Dec 27, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> There is a good part of me that does understand that. There is also a smaller part, that sees the awards in your box's, recognizes your experience and thinks. _ "These people know what the heck they're talking about!"_
> I guess the  best word to describe that feeling is awe or maybe intimidation.  To ignore all of your advice seems a kin to the field mouse flipping his finger at the descending hawk.  I know and feel that such isn't anyone's attempt or plan. That's a me thing, I allow such to happen. Lack of experience and confidence are the contributing factors.
> I know that each poem I've revised has improved and that I've try to do it my way, as much as possible. I'll do my best with the revision to keep doing that.




Oh... I see... well, I will tell you something few people know... I did not finish High School... I only know about poetry because my Grandmam read it to me as a child... and due to abuse, poetry became my language...I wrote it, and I hid it away... until I came here, to WF... sooo shy, intimidated... no self confidence... but I had something to say, dammIT!  and the mentors here, listened to me... showed me how to make my voice powerful... or to whisper and draw people close... they showed me how to trust my own abilities, and they inspired ME!!! So, that is the experience I want you to have... You have something to say... I want to hear it, but I also want to LISTEN to you, and help you meet YOUR goals with your poetry...so, don't be intimidated, please...these medals are mostly for doing stuff here on the forum... I love WF, and I enjoy helping "around the house"...


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## sas (Dec 27, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> Thanks TL, just like in prose TELL is not acceptable in poetry.




Pelwrath,

Be aware that it is not the "tell" that is problematic in poetry. Essentially, all poetry tells a story. One of the most published forms in magazines (because they want readers...not deep mysterious poems that make readers turn the page) is the anecdotal poem, telling a story. I have been working all week on one such poem, as I write true family stories  for my grandgirls (everyone should have an audience in mind when they write; I write as if they were adults wanting to know from who and where  they came). The idea sounds simple. It isn't. I have spent days struggling over something that when finished will, I hope, look simple. The difficulty is in elevating it to a higher meaning than just what happened. That is where poetry comes in. The art of it. At the end, I want the reader to feel, not just know, what happened. So, tell away with artistry. 

.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 27, 2017)

My background is as a teacher, history and elementary, never found a permanent job so I ended up in management. Education, doesn't make you smart, it does give you a skill set, but so does being able to tear an engine down and put it back together.  I can barely change my oil. You and a few others here have been very helpful to me in my poetry, so please keep it up.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 28, 2017)

Used some midnight oil after the pack of batteries died while staying up a few extra hours to work on this.   I initially rewrote it with each ones suggestions, color coded, then went back and made my changes, tweaks or removals based on how I felt the poem was going. Thank you all for your time and suggestions.  I'm learning more about poetry and hopefully I'm improving as well. The 3rd version below.


*Moments in Time
*
The Painters muse; canvas scene bound by a frame.
The calligraphers ink; created with their blood.
The stonemason;  freeing his muse from prison.
Our muse is the mind’s eye, for with it, we do all three.



Times images slowed and captured,
saved for when the tornado of life 
necessitates a cocoon,
Chrysalis chamber.



Metamorphosis enabler,
Soon to yield it’s fruit.
Mind, soul and body.
Larva, pupa, and imago.



What will the world think of this changed life?
Will it see angelic beauty or evil’s grace?
It matters not, 
neither is permanent.



Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
mementos saved by parents who cared,
To learn life’s truth.
The world changes the butterfly.


Butterflies change the world.


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## shedpog329 (Dec 28, 2017)

meh...Pelwrath...you're gonna hate me for this...but I need to say it...one of my favorite speeches from the Obama era, and I may be taking this a little out of context, resonates well with progress, and you've made a lot of progress.  He had said, sometimes progress means "taking two steps forward and one step back."  and I hate to be the guy who hinders your new edition but it needs to be said.

I really feel your original rewrite so much more on an emotional level, it was so personal to me...this new one feels very...I guess you could say..technical.




Lets look at the old poem...with a few simple edits in mind....





Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages 
and stonemason’s block.
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes.*                                           (Good! Less is more!)
.*
The camera of our mind’s eye,
 always recording.  *(One line is enough, its a complete thought...leave it.)*

*Through* moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images stored because the tornado 
of life sometimes necessitates a cocoon.

To heal the mutilated mind, 
restore the stripped soul, 
and repair the broken body.

*Chrysalis's *chambers metamorphic creation 
soon will produce fruit.                 *(Apostrophe on Chrysalis's)*

What will the world think of the new me?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place*,* or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.

Baby pictures, locks of hair and footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.
They've learned the ultimate truth.

The world changes the butterfly,
butterflies change the world.


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## Pelwrath (Dec 28, 2017)

Shedpog;

    I don't hate you or your comments and suggestions. It's just showing me that readers like different things and proof that no matter what credentials are brought to the table, I need to look at *all *of the comments. It's so easy for me and probably any writer to just see the negative/constructive suggestions and forget/overlook the good.  That's when the baby gets tossed with the bath water.  Thank for reminding me about that. Another revision is always doable.


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## shedpog329 (Dec 28, 2017)

Then again Pelwrath, I really don't mind it in its large clumpy form either....so was Whitman's "The Learn'd Astronomer"


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## TL Murphy (Dec 28, 2017)

Pel, I’m going to go back to your original.  In this edit, I’m going to strip the poem of extraneous words. As you have already discovered, less is generally better than more in poetry. Usually it’s possible to find the real poem within the jumble of words without have to alter the poem too much. The idea is to get to the place where each word opens more meaning on the page than it does in a dictionary.  Here goes:

*Moments in Time

Our minds sight goes beyond that of. I am just cutting extra words here to get down to the essence of what’s being said
Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages, and stonemason’s block. we know that canvases come from painters and pages from calligraphers so it doesn’t need to be said in the poem. But ‘stonemason’ is good because it qualifies the block and adds rhythm 
That beauty is through gauze veiled eyes.
Our mind is a camera, always recording.
Restoring a memory of a (past) love(s), a memory IS a restoration so you don’t need to say it twice
The aphrodisiac taste of your favorite meal,
A good friend’s calming voice, when depressed,
Those (in) moments in time, our mind slows down. 
Images are stored for when events chew us up.
To heal the mind, (body and) restore the soul, repair the body.
Enjoy this journey through those moments in time. this line tells the reader how to feel, which you don’t need to do.  Let the reader feel the images without being told how to interpret them
A series of dots, our mind connects,
Into a movie   In fact, life is not a movie.  It’s the real thing
**called life.
**
OK, here it is with my suggested changes.  It’s still your 100% your poem.


**Moments 

Mind goes beyond 
canvas, page, stonemason’s block. 
Beauty through veiled eyes(,)
a camera, recording
memory of (past) loves.
The aphrodisiac meal,
a friend’s calm voice, 
(In) moments, mind slows. 
Images stored 
heal (body and) soul, 
A series of dots, our mind connects,
called life.**

*


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## Robbie (Dec 28, 2017)

I like what Tim has done with the poem but would cut ‘meal.’ 

‘The aphrodiasic,
a friend’s calm voice ........’


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## Pelwrath (Dec 28, 2017)

The post that was written has been interrupted for technical difficulties.


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## TL Murphy (Dec 28, 2017)

Pel, it’s a workshop.  We put poems here so that we can improve them.  There’s no point in posting a poem that doesn’t need improvement.  Stop beating yourself up for not being an expert.  (What’s an expert, anyway?) It takes a long time and a lot of work to write good poetry consistently.  Get your ego out of it and keep writing.  That’s how you get better.  That, and reading a lot of poetry.

Here’s a exercise:  write a new poem everyday for a month.  Don’t worry about whether it’s any good or not and don’t think about it too much.  Just write whatever comes into your head and don’t show any of it to anyone.  Just write. After a month put it all away and forget about it. Wait another month and then take it out again and go over it, pull out the good stuff and rewrite it. Meanwhile, carry on.

And BTW, you can tell me I’m full of beans if you want to.  You don’t have to accept any of my suggestions.  It’s your poem.


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## Robbie (Dec 28, 2017)

Was my post interrupted? Or does it appear? I meant no harm.


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## Firemajic (Dec 28, 2017)

Pelwrath said:


> The post that was written has been interrupted for technical difficulties.




Let's chat .. I know exactly [I think  ] what you are feeling... confused and overwhelmed...so many ideas, so many ways to express your message... the water is now muddy and you cannot see YOUR vision... you cannot hear your voice... I have been there... and that still happens from time to time, and with time, you will learn to trust your instinct about what works for your style, voice and message... take a deep breath, take a break from this poem... after a while, hopefully, the water will clear, and you will be able to see the reflection of your message in the critiques and comments....


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## TL Murphy (Dec 28, 2017)

And another thing, you could probably post the best poem ever written, Shakespeare, Rumi, Byron and somebody would find something wrong with it.


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## Robbie (Dec 28, 2017)

Exactly Tim.


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## sas (Dec 28, 2017)

TL Murphy said:


> And another thing, you could probably post the best poem ever written, Shakespeare, Rumi, Byron and somebody would find something wrong with it.




I confess to having revised parts of a few, especially Merrill's work. I learn from doing it. Everyone should try it.


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## TL Murphy (Dec 28, 2017)

That’s a great idea, Sas. I’d like to rewrite Billy Collins.


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## aj47 (Dec 28, 2017)

TL Murphy said:


> Here’s a exercise:  write a new poem everyday for a month.  Don’t worry about whether it’s any good or not and don’t think about it too much.  Just write whatever comes into your head and don’t show any of it to anyone.  Just write. After a month put it all away and forget about it. Wait another month and then take it out again and go over it, pull out the good stuff and rewrite it. Meanwhile, carry on.
> 
> And BTW, you can tell me I’m full of beans if you want to.  You don’t have to accept any of my suggestions.  It’s your poem.



Rather like NaPoWriMo but maybe call it NaPoNoShow?  I think April is the perfect month for NaPo ... April foolish, all of us poets.


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## sas (Dec 28, 2017)

TL Murphy said:


> That’s a great idea, Sas. I’d like to rewrite Billy Collins.




Why not!?

I just can't seem to stop myself. Since young adulthood I always looked for the Achille's heel in things, or the train that might roll over me.


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## RC James (Jan 22, 2018)

pelwrath - I like how you've constructed an extended metaphor of the memory as visual.
I think the pictures we remember key the other senses in  memory. You could do some work 
on punctuation.

Our (minds) sight goes beyond that of  - _mind's_
Painter’s canvas, calligrapher’s pages, 
and stonemason’s block.
That beauty is through (gauze veiled) eyes(.)  - _gauze-veiled  -  (,)_
(R)estoring a memory of a lover past(,)   - (.)
The aphrodisiac taste of your favorite meal,
(A) good friends calming voice, when depressed,
(T)hose moments in time, our mind slows down.
Images are stored for when events chew us up(.)  -  (,)
(To) heal the mind, restore the soul, repair the body.
Enjoy this journey through those moments in time.
A series of dots, our mind connects,  -  _maybe invert this line - our mind connects a series..._
(I)nto a movie called life.

enjoyed this - RC


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## Pelwrath (Jan 23, 2018)

​*Moments in Time*


Our mind’s eye, a camera, always recording,
Beauty through gauze veiled eyes and gossamer dreams.
Images stored, sustenance
When the ravages of life necessitate a cocoon.

A transmutation
Heal fractured mind,
broken body and stained soul.

What will the world think of this new thing?
Will it see beauty in it’s proper place or evil’s grace?
It matters not, neither is permanent.

Baby pictures, locks of hair, footprints bare,
saved by parents who cared.

They had learned the ultimate truth.
The world changes the butterfly,
Millions of butterflies change the world.


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## Darkkin (Jan 24, 2018)

Solid revision, Pel.  Concise and engaging.

S1, L3,4.  Excellent.  That is what poetry is about.

One note, S2, L2 are you missing an s on heal?  When read as heal fractured mind, the transition jolts.  When read as: A transmutation heals.  That makes sense.

You should consider doing a seperate piece with your pages, canvas, and block line from the original, too.

- D.


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## ArianSpirit (Jan 24, 2018)

I just read this for the first time. You've received good advice in which you have the choice to take or leave. Unless stated, all poems in my mind are freestyle. I'm rather new and learning my way around. 

My advice is don't take to heart everything you read in a critique. Don't try to please everyone, be free to express yourself. (learning that myself).

Walk away and think on it just like you've done. You can always keep what you have and revisit it later. The mind is a funny thing, emotions play a part as well as what you SEE and can communicate with words.


You truly have some powerful lines in this piece and I feel a renewal after reading.

Enjoyed!


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## Pelwrath (Jan 24, 2018)

@ArianSpirit: Thanks for your kind words and comments and I'm glad my words had meaning.

@Darkkin: I do plan on that but not right now.


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