# my first chapter of a great new series of novels



## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

i need all types of comments! advice, spam, i will accept anything.

this sign ( ` ) means he is thinking to himself since Italic does not work here.

Chapter 1

	Being part of an endless war was something that many humans hated. This war is so old that most people had forgotten how it had started, only that Fire, Water, Earth and Air humans hated each other. Diaro had always thought about the war whenever he did his daily chore of patrolling his fire village, lowar, on his fire-horse at night.
	It was very close to the border of Air territory and lately there had been rumors of a large group of Air soldiers destroying all villages near its borders. The Air territory was mostly mountains and valleys so it was the hardest territory to be attacked. But lately, mappers from the Earth faction had been mapping out the mountains and discovered how to maneuver through a quarter of the territory. But the Fire faction had flown on phoenixes over the mountainous terrain but the wind there was strong enough to put out the phoenix's flame and make them fall so they could almost never return alive.
	`As usual, I patrol the boundaries of my village and nothing happens ever` Diaro thought to himself `where is Retarin?`
	His bestfriend, Retarin, was the blacksmith's son and his neighbor. Retarin helped his father in blacksmithing whenever there were too many orders. Diaro did not care that much, he liked the quiet of the night. `I really need to find something fun to do when he is busy`
	"Sorry I'm late" said a voice from behind Diaro "my father had to make 20 new swords and shields for your father"
	"Why would my father need so many swords?" His father is the village sword trainer which is how both Diaro and Retarin learned to fight with swords and shields.
	"Remember the rumors about attacks on the villages near the Air territory?"
	"Yes"
	"Your father had not told you?" asked Retarin surprised
	"Told me what?"
	"A messenger had arrived today morning, dead on his horse, with a bloody paper that says 'We have spotted Air soldiers. We w-' the paper was bloody so a lot could not be read '….rise them with an att… at m…..ight while they sleep in their camp. But do remem…. most of ……….ple are tricky. Be on your guard until we tell you …………..re defe……' that is all it says. Our guess is that he died on the way, maybe an arrow shot him but he did not fall off and the horse found his way here"
	"Then I guess we need to have an open eye then and I need to start sleeping in the middle of the day to stay awake now"
	"I've been telling you to do that and not eat desbarks to keep you awake"
	"Well, I will now"
	Both parted, one going in one direction and the other in the other direction, circling the village.
	`Since when are the Air soldiers so stupid that they camp right near a village that they will raid the next morning?` He thought `they are not that stupid, it is most likely that the camp is a set up and they will ambush the village. I just hope they don't lose. We cannot let them take us`
	He had finally saw Retarin and joined him again.
	"How many villages fell according to the rumors?" Diaro asked. He was never seeing many people from other villages as much as Retarin since he is the Blacksmith's son who trades with cerian, the Fire capitol.
	"Four out of the seven border villages" he replied.
	"We are, so far, the weakest faction of the four. We are also the smallest"
	"We cannot be the first faction to fall"
	"I know, we are in a terrible strategic location on Alora"
	"Just hope that they lose the battle and retreat and we would be able to follow them"
	"Let us get back to patrolling the village" said Diaro
	"Yes, let us" he turned to his original direction and Diaro did the same.
	`I am still five months from becoming eighteen years old; I can only escape if we are attacked. I want to defend my village. Well maybe they will lose and I will not have to fight until I'm eighteen` He continued patrolling the village all night, then left at dawn to sleep the day away.

the story will follow 4 characters, a fire protagonist, air protagonist, earth protagonist and water protagonist.


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## RomanticRose (Jul 25, 2010)

Are you aware that there are special sub-forums for posting work for review?  You'll probably get more helpful response there.


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

where? this is the only place i found for advice on works posted!


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## Ilasir Maroa (Jul 25, 2010)

I'm moving this thread to the *Fiction* section where it will get more responses. Also, the site _does_ support italics. It's that little _*"I"* above the text box._


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

dont you think i tried that, it only does this _jalvjfb_ see?


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

wtf


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

nvm


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## Baron (Jul 25, 2010)

_the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog_


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

what?


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## Sam (Jul 25, 2010)

zeebadrawy said:


> dont you think i tried that, it only does this _jalvjfb_ see?



Those _are _italics. I think you're confusing it with something else.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Jul 25, 2010)

Guys, "nvm" means nevermind, as in he got italics working.


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## zeebadrawy (Jul 25, 2010)

sorry guys, when i pressed italic, it made [ I ] [ / I ] so i thought is wasnt working. now if anyone has advice, give. please no more comments about the italic.


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## The Prodigy (Aug 2, 2010)

Where to begin? 

On a positive note - to be ambitious is great. It seems that the story has been visualized, or at least its beginning stages. This is important, often the beginning stages form a solid foundation for any piece of fiction. 

Lets begin with the title or explanatory note, if I may categorize it as such. Expectation is key in hooking a reader. To begin by describing a story as great in the context of a series implies that this first chapter will be an absolute gold stamped guaranteed knockout of a read. Within the paragraphs and lines will be mastered skills dutifully exercised in all their glory. And yet, with this story the gold stamp isn't present. This is not meant to be rude but is an honest opinion. 

The beginning was chalked full of information that was unnecessary. Cramming a litany of factoids behind a thinly veiled passage of narration is weak writing and tires out the reader. Everyone everywhere will expound the truth of showing when writing instead of telling. This proves true even in dialogue which is another form of writing fiction just through spoken words. Dialogue must be realistic. I was once advised to read dialogue aloud merely to listen to its plausibility. 

Notice as well another vital component to a great story: setting a scene. In this story, I know about the two fathers, the condition of a possible attack, and a brief history of the war, and yet, I know virtually nothing about the character that makes him worthy to be the focus of my attention. There are no revelations about his personality, no gripping descriptions of his surrounding that would make me want to escape into his world. Setting a scene is as important as having believable characters. Some would say that the scene is a character. 

My best advice is to continue writing but reading as much as possible. Learn to recognize great writing and then inculcate those qualities that make them so into your style and voice. Allow yourself to be molded into what I believe you want to become: a great mature writer with amazing ideas.


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## Fantasy of You (Aug 2, 2010)

I think I'd class this as disguised fan-fiction...


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## garza (Aug 2, 2010)

zeebadrawy - As it stands this first chapter is all but unreadable. 

Deliberate attempts at greatness in literature usually fail. Homer was probably halfway through the Iliad before he realised he was onto more than the retelling of some local gossip. JKR was just trying to make a few pounds to stay off the dole when she started HP. 

At the start it's probably best not to think about whether what you are writing will win a prize or be fed to the turtle. Write the best way you know how and let the reader decide whether it's great or gross. 

Pay attention what Prodigy has said. 

And read, read, read. Your writing shows a lack understanding about the techniques successful writers use to capture and hold the reader's attention. The only way to gain that understanding is to read; read widely, read deeply. Read fiction, read non-fiction, read the labels on soup tins, read the ads in magazines, read the press releases from the Ministry of Administrative Affairs. 

Be forever conscious of the words in the world around you. Pay attention to the way they work together to inform, entertain, challenge, convince, or anger you. 

To be able to write, you first must read.


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## Gauge (Aug 2, 2010)

I can only restate what the others posting here have said. 

From your writing style and plot, you sound like a younger writer. I'm also a young writer (or, rather, a young person that writes. I'm no writer  ) and can't stress enough the importance of reading at our age. What garza said about reading different styles doesn't apply only to genres but also to different writers and different books. Grasping different styles of narration is essential to becoming a strong writer.

If you are young (or even if you're not!), I'd recommend The Catcher in the Rye and Fahrenheit 451. Both books are pretty simple, teen-friendly reads with extremely strong style. Another great book is How to Read Novels Like a Professor, if you can get over the fact that he uses one of four or so books for every example 

Another thing that helps, as garza stated, is keeping a small notebook in your back pocket and jotting down notes about the world. Things you notice, from characters and dialogues to the plots of peoples' lives and the feeling of the room you're in, find a way into your writing. I don't know how many ideas for short stories or even just single lines I've gotten from noticing a cute metaphor or interesting conversation.

Take everything I said with a grain of salt, though, as I'm just as inexperienced and young as you!


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## ArcThomas (Aug 2, 2010)

I messaged him my tips before I even finished the first paragraph. i've agreed to not read it until he complies.


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## garza (Aug 2, 2010)

zeebadrawy - We may be overloading you with advice. Please understand that by the rules of the game, as I have had them explained to me, you are under no obligation to follow any of it. 

There are professional writers here who make their living writing. I'm one. But I have little experience writing fiction. I've had one fiction book published a long time ago and numerous short stories in the little literary magazines, but that's not enough to call myself a fiction writer. There are successful fiction writers here, and of course their advice is probably more to the point.

The suggestions I make about fiction are mostly from the point of view of a reader. However, good writing is good writing, regardless of what kind of writing it is.

Some of the criticism here can be rather blunt. Accept such criticism as one person's opinion and not necessarily a true measure of the worth of what you write.

Just remember, you should not feel pressured to change a single word of what you write. Consider the suggestions and criticisms made here and use your own judgement about what is useful and what is not. No one has the right to try to force you to do otherwise.


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## zeebadrawy (Aug 4, 2010)

i have started editing this chapter. i read 1 more time and found out you were right. the edited version of this novel will be released in atleast a week. 1 question first: im still new on this site and i wanna know, should i post the edited version as a new post or here as a reply?


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## zeebadrawy (Aug 4, 2010)

thank you all for your comments and advice.
im actualy 14, ive started reading real novels like 2-7 hundred pages just two years ago right after hp 5 the movie was out. i read the 7 jk rowling books, then a few months later i started reading the 5 dan brown books (he is currently my favorite writer) then i havent read much until percy jackson the movie was out. i read all 5 books by rick riordan. now, i just started reading the black magician trilogy by trudi canavan. i actualy read the prequil and im halfway through the first book  .
thank you again for all the comments, they are realy helping me.


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## garza (Aug 4, 2010)

zeebadrawy - You are the same age I was when I started selling articles and photos to two local newspapers, a daily and a weekly. After I'd been selling to the papers for almost a year I started trying to become more sophisticated with my writing.

(You old folks have all heard this story, so you can quit listening now.)

One day the old man who was the editor for the daily sent word he wanted to see me. I went to his office and the conversation went something like this:

'How old are you?'

'15.'

'You're a teen-ager trying to write like a college professor. Stop it. Now go home. I'm busy.'

Now the point is, zeebadrawy, you are a teen-ager trying to write like Dan Brown, a very successful writer but a bad role model. Most of those writers you mention tend to over-write, over-dramatise, over do everything. They get away with it because they are very skilled at what they do. For now you need to look elsewhere for role models. Not to imitate, but rather to soak up the way the simplest language can be used to tell complex stories.

If you can find it, read Hemingway's 'Old Man at the Bridge', a short-short story set in the Spanish Civil War which Hemingway covered as a correspondent. See how Hemingway draws us in, makes the old man real, and moves us with his suffering without ever raising his voice. Start from there. Write a scene about something you know. My first published stories were about my scout troop and my mother's garden club. 

You may be the next Dan Brown, but you need to learn the basics of the craft of writing before you can publish that first blockbuster best seller.


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## zeebadrawy (Aug 8, 2010)

im gonna delete this post and i'll post the edited version later.


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## zeebadrawy (Aug 9, 2010)

ummm, how do i delete this post?


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