# A Prologue



## Aderyn (Jul 12, 2011)

*NOTE - I have updated this piece, the new draft is further down this thread here.  Thank you.*

I've started writing my first novel.  It is set in early 13th century England.  I have put it in this section as a strong theme in the story will be the use of magic - a type of magic that I have 'come up with' on the basis of a heady mixture of celtic mytholgy, kabbalah, zoroastrianism and general sorcery in the middle ages 8-[ (try not to think about it too much).

So this is my current Prologue, I'm interested in any feedback 

*Prologue*

Arabella sat cross-legged on the floor of the small cottage.  She tried to concentrate on her breathing and to utter the incantations correctly, as her grandmother had taught her, but the sound of the rain pounding on the shutters, and the attempts of her cat, Arthur, to curl up in her lap, proved to be too great a distraction.  Her eyes flicked open when the shutters blew violently apart, rain pouring in like fired arrows.  Arabella swore under her breath as she leapt up to close the wooden shutters, getting drenched in the process.  Arthur flicked his tail and hissed before curling up in a remote corner of the cottage, resigned to the fact he wouldn't get a warm lap that night.
"Arabella, you must concentrate," she heard her grandmother say as she fastened the latch.  
She shook her arms attempting to shed some of the water from her smock and shivered as she joined her grandmother by the fire.
"I was trying ma, but the rain is so loud tonight and it be so cold," Arabella complained.
Her grandmother merely smiled and barely looked up from her mending as she said, "well stoke up the fire and make a draught of mayweed tea would you lass?  My bones do ache on these winter nights."
Arabella almost skipped to the corner of the cottage where they stored their kettles and pots for cooking.  She stood on a stool to reach to the very top shelf where the dried herbs were carefully stored.  Arabella and her grandmother, Bess, were regarded by the villagers of Montfael to be wise-women, and as such they were respected healers.  The herb collection in the women's small cottage was therefore quite substantial.
Arabella found the mayweed and put a spoonful of the dried flowers into a kettle half filled with water.  She grabbed two clay cups and rejoined her grandmother at the fire where she put the kettle to boil.  She placed the cups on the little table and took a seat close to the hearth to warm her hands.  She smiled, happy that she had managed to escape meditation for one night.
"You can do away with that grin young lady, if you are not going to do your meditations perhaps we should do some reading?" Bess looked up momentarily from her work to give her granddaughter a stern look.  Bess and Arabella were different to the other villagers, for one thing they could read and write. They held a few precious tomes they kept safe and hidden in a hole in the floor under Bess's mattress.  Reading was a regular activity they enjoyed, and one they kept secret. 
But Arabella wasn't in the mood for reading either.
"What about a story instead?" she asked, "tell me about Zahira again, please ma?"
Bess raised an eyebrow at the request, "you have so much interest in our foremother Arabella, a pity you don't take an equal interest in her teachings."
Arabella felt a little flush of guilt, it was true, she loved hearing about the wonders of her ancestor, but to achieve her level of skill seemed like too much hard work to a seventeen year old girl.  
Bess relented however and began to tell the story of Zahira, in truth, she loved telling it as much as Arabella enjoyed hearing it.  
The rain's incessant drumming continued but the two women, with their tea in hand, prepared to take themselves on a journey long into the past.
"It began a long time ago, in a land far away," Bess began the old tale, but she was stopped prematurely as the tempest outside would not be halted and it seemed intent on delivering to them a dark message.  A gust of cold wind punched open the wooden shutters once more, whereupon a violent fluttering of wings accompanied by piercing screeches thrust into the cottage.  Arabella flung her hands instinctively to her face, but forced her self to look upon the commotion that now hovered above her head.  She recognised a raven with dark glistening feathers, and it was carrying something which it then dropped dramatically at her feet before squawking once more and leaving them via the way it had come.  She looked at her grandmother.  Bess was in a trance, incanting deeply.  Arabella stood up thinking to close the shutters but her grandmother held up her hand and the shutters slammed together, as though the wind and the rain proved no obstacle.  She jumped and looked at her grandmother in wonder.
"They will remain shut now." Was all she said as she nodded toward the wayward window, "and what have we here?" Bess returned her gaze to the bundle that had fallen at her granddaughter's feet.
Arabella regained her breath and walked over to peruse the thing.  It was a chick of some sort, covered in saturated down and blood.
"It's a poor little bird," Arabella sighed.
"It's much more than than that," Bess said.  Arabella looked at her grandmother who wore that faraway expression she'd seen so many times before.
"This is an owl chick."
Arabella creased her brow, "an owl chick" she repeated slowly.
"It's an omen" Bess said gravely, "an ill omen indeed."


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## Steve (Jul 14, 2011)

Hi Aderyn,

This is nice; I like the girl very much and found the concept interesting. I like witches and anything adults turn their nose up at, he-he. Strikes me, they’ve just lost their ability to see through child eyes.
I have a couple of suggestions. Their language is rather today as apposed to 13[SUP]th[/SUP] century. Now I don’t mind that, but some will. It’s how it works, I guess. The opening paragraph is a bit of a mouthful, long sentence. You must remember to give the reader time to take a breath, especially at the beginning. I noticed a couple of instances where your sentences run-on a little. There are one or two occasions when you tell us. Showing is best, for example, 

"I was trying ma, but the rain is so loud tonight and it be so cold," Arabella complained.

You really don’t need to say that, Arabella complained. We now that because you have just shown us with her words. It’s always worth omitting unnecessary add-ons to dialogue. Trust your reader to know. 
Another suggestion is for you to take us inside her head a little more. There are several occasions when you could do that. For example,

"It's a poor little bird," Arabella sighed.

You could say, Arabella sighed because she’d always, bla bla.

Overall, I liked this.

Steve


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## Aderyn (Jul 14, 2011)

Thanks for the comments Steve  
I agree with your observations - especially about that opening, the second sentence is way too convoluted, I have to rework it somehow.  Thanks for the tip about the add-ons to the dialogue, I didn't see this before, but now that you mention it it is a very clear thing I can edit out.
I am reworking the style of the dialogue quite a lot, obviously  it won't sound like 'real' thirteenth century speech as nobody would understand that. But I have to present something that will represent it sufficiently- I think this will be a big challenge.  However, I am a fan of historical fiction, and most of it uses modern language for dialogue with a scattering of common expressions from the era, I don't think you can do it any other way and have your readers understand it.
Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'll certainly be taking up your suggestions


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## Steve (Jul 14, 2011)

Ad,  
Its a pleasure. Just a thought on the dialogue.  I guess it's like using slang, i.e. cockney,  you could give an initial impression and then slip into modern.  I think that would be just dandy.  

Steve


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## scarletlight (Jul 14, 2011)

Hey Aderyn, I have been meaning to read this for you all morning but have only just got round to it.
First a little subtlty that I'd like to point out.
' She stood on a stool to reach to the very top ' - I don't think that you need the second 'to' here. It would sound fine,perhas better as ' she stood on a stool to reach the very top' . To reach to just feels awkward when it's not needed.
And whilst reading I get the feeling that you use words like ' asked' , 'said' , 'replied' and similar too often. You vary which on it is which is good, but I think at times you can get away without using them at all.

Also, you don't really have to and it has not much to do with the writing but it would be easier to read and to critique if you spaced out your paragraphs a little more. An extra lines break between each would ease the eyes on the text.

On the positive side ; The metaphor relating rain to arrows was great, it works really well and your description is strong. I like the hook at the end aswell, I can't help wondering what the omen will result in. I found the grandmother to be an interesting character, she seems wise.

I agree with Steve about the 13th century langauge, but that's already said.


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## Aderyn (Jul 14, 2011)

Thanks scarletlight, great feedback I think I have to chop out a lot of words overall, which will be easier reading.  I agree about spacing with the paragraphs.  It does make it easier to read.   Yeah, the dialogue for this novel is being constantly reviewed, so it's a work in progress at the moment.Thanks for reading


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## MissTiraMissSu (Jul 15, 2011)

I like the premise... Spreading out would be very nice too... The accents sounded extremely awkward. It just put me so out of place in the story, my mind sent me to a different background till I forced it to remember where it was supposed to be. But other than that, cant wait to see more maybe?


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## Aderyn (Jul 15, 2011)

MissTiraMissSu said:


> I like the premise... Spreading out would be very nice too... The accents sounded extremely awkward. It just put me so out of place in the story, my mind sent me to a different background till I forced it to remember where it was supposed to be. But other than that, cant wait to see more maybe?



Yes the accents seem to be throwing people out, as I keep saying I am reworking the dialogue.  Can you clarify what you mean by spreading out?  Thank you for taking the time to read it.


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## AvA (Jul 15, 2011)

I'd do something about the format, i.e paragraph spacing, because it was quite difficult to read, personally.

I was also a little disappointed not to hear the story of Zahira. The raven could have swooped in after the story had been told, couldn't it? :mrgreen:

Overall, I felt the story was decently written and, on another personal note, I do like the name Arabella in the context of your story. In its own little way, it paints a picture in my head of a young carnival gypsy, deep copper skin, draped in fabrics of red, white and blue, and possessing a fair amount of witchcraft. But enough of my little digression, although adding some descriptions would have definitely enhanced the flavour of your story. Description is like salt, isn't it not? Too little or too much can't do, we need the right amount.

So, will we know what the baby owl forebodes in the next chapter, or a little further down the road? We shall see, won't we?


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## MissTiraMissSu (Jul 15, 2011)

Oh just use more enter button. That's all I really meant. And poor baby owl. Is it still alive?


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## Rob (Jul 15, 2011)

Hi Aderyn,



Aderyn said:


> "Arabella, you must concentrate," she heard her grandmother say as she fastened the latch.


You don't need to say that she heard her grandmother say this, only that her grandmother said it. It's implied that she heard it.



Aderyn said:


> "Arabella and her grandmother, Bess, were regarded by the villagers of Montfael to be wise-women, and as such they were respected healers.


I'm not keen on the way you interrupt the scene to pop these little snippets in about the villagers. Does your reader really need to know this right now? What effect does it have on your scene/prologue if you don't explain it? You sow the seeds in the reader's mind with the substantial collection of herbs, and if you convey that they're medicinal the reader can make the connection later, in context. Same with the name of the village. Is it necessary at this point in the prologue/story?



Aderyn said:


> The herb collection in the women's small cottage was therefore quite substantial.


You're repeating something that the reader already knows here, as you said the cottage was small in the opening sentence. A trivial duplication, I know, but still redundant.



Aderyn said:


> Bess and Arabella were different to the other villagers, for one thing they could read and write.


Another instance where you stop to tell us something that you no doubt feel is important to the story, but could probably be left for later. It doesn't appear to belong at this point in your opening scene.



Aderyn said:


> Bess raised an eyebrow at the request,


Minor again, but in a couple of places you spoon-feed the reader unnecessarily. Here, for example, it's through including 'at the request', as it's already clear from the context.



Aderyn said:


> Bess raised an eyebrow at the request, "you have so much interest in our foremother Arabella, a pity you don't take an equal interest in her teachings."


The spoken words should begin with a capital letter, and it makes sense to separate the dialogue from the raising of the eyebrow. For example:



> Bess raised an eyebrow. "You have so much interest in our foremother Arabella, a pity you don't take an equal interest in her teachings."





Aderyn said:


> The rain's incessant drumming continued


Incessant and continued are basically conveying the same thing here.



Aderyn said:


> "It began a long time ago, in a land far away," Bess began the old tale


Here, 'the old tale' is spoon-feeding again. Trivial, I know.



Aderyn said:


> "It began a long time ago, in a land far away," Bess began the old tale, but she was stopped prematurely as the tempest outside would not be halted and it seemed intent on delivering to them a dark message.  A gust of cold wind punched open the wooden shutters once more, whereupon a violent fluttering of wings accompanied by piercing screeches thrust into the cottage.


You could omit the explanation of her stopping prematurely, because it's clear from the context in the sentences following. Probably just as effective, for example:



> "It began a long time ago, in a land far away," Bess began. A gust of cold wind punched open the wooden shutters once more, whereupon a violent fluttering of wings accompanied by piercing screeches thrust into the cottage.





Aderyn said:


> She looked at her grandmother.  Bess was in a trance, incanting deeply.


As with the comment earlier about the use of 'heard', here you don't need to say that she looked at her grandmother. This scene is written from Arabella's point of view, so it's implied that she looked at her grandmother if you simply go on to say that Bess was in a trance.



Aderyn said:


> She jumped and looked at her grandmother in wonder.


It's worth noting that the use of 'looked' in this sentence is different to that above.



Aderyn said:


> "They will remain shut now." Was all she said as she nodded toward the wayward window, "and what have we here?"


General confusion with capitalisation around your dialogue. Consider this alternative (there's more than one way to write it):



> "They will remain shut now," was all she said as she nodded toward the wayward window. "And what have we here?"



None of the above are major issues: some minor spoon-feeding, minor redundancy, filtering with the use of looked, heard. But overall I think your writing has a nice feel to it.

Usual caveat: take the stuff that you find useful and ignore the rest.


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## Aderyn (Jul 15, 2011)

AvA - thanks for the compliments  Yes, I will do something about the formatting - I'm thinking of tidying this piece up, with all of the wonderful suggestions and reposting it as a new draft, don't know when though. I like your little additional descriptions, I think you'd be good at this story! And sorry about Zahira's story, we do get to learn a bit of it later though, lol!

Tira - ok, thanks  And unfortunately the poor little birdie doesn't make it 

Rob - I LOVE all of your suggestions - these would really tidy the writing up I agree! Thanks so much for taking the time to do this, I really appreciate it


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## Aderyn (Jul 23, 2011)

I have re-drafted my original Prologue in post one.  If you have any further feedback on this, or if you haven't read it before, all comments are welcome.  Thank you.

*Prologue (new draft)*

Arabella sat cross-legged on the floor of the small cottage.  She tried to concentrate on her breathing and to utter the incantations correctly, as her grandmother had taught her - but the sound of the rain pounding on the shutters, and the attempts of her cat, Arthur, to curl up in her lap, proved to be too great a distraction.  Her eyes flicked open when the shutters blew violently apart, rain poured in like fired arrows.  Arabella swore under her breath as she leapt up to close the wooden shutters, getting drenched in the process.  Arthur flicked his tail and hissed before curling up in a remote corner of the cottage, resigned to the fact he wouldn't get a warm lap that night.

"Arabella, you must concentrate," her grandmother said, as she fastened the latch.  

She shook her arms attempting to shed some of the water from her tunic and shivered as she joined her grandmother by the fire.

"I was trying ma, but the rain is so loud tonight and it be so cold."

Her grandmother smiled and barely looked up from her mending, "well, stoke the fire and make a draught of mayweed tea lass.  My bones do ache these winter nights."

Arabella almost skipped to the corner of the cottage where they kept kettles and pots for cooking.  She stood on a stool to reach the very top shelf where a large collection of dried herbs and physics were carefully stored. She found the mayweed and put a spoonful of the dried flowers into a kettle half-filled with water.  She grabbed two clay cups and rejoined her grandmother at the fire where she put the kettle to boil.  She placed the cups on the little table and took a seat close to the hearth to warm her hands.  She smiled, happy that she had managed to escape meditation for one night.

"You can do away with that grin young lady, if you are not going to do your meditations then we ought to do some reading."  Bess looked up momentarily from her work to give her granddaughter a stern look.  

Bess and Arabella held a few precious tomes, kept safe and hidden in a hole in the floor under Bess's mattress.  Reading was a regular activity they enjoyed, and one they kept secret. 

But Arabella wasn't in the mood for reading either.

"What about a tale?" she asked, "tell me about Zahira again, please ma?"

Bess raised an eyebrow, "you hold so much interest in our foremother Arabella, a pity you do not take an equal interest in her teachings."

Arabella felt a little flush of guilt, it was true, she loved hearing about the wonders of her ancestor, but to achieve her level of skill seemed like too much hard work to a seventeen year old girl.  

Bess relented however, and began to tell the story of Zahira; in truth, she loved telling it as much as Arabella enjoyed hearing it.  

The rain's drumming continued but the two women, with their tea in hand, prepared to take themselves on a journey, long into the past.

"It began a long time ago, in a land far away," Bess commenced.  But the tempest outside would not be halted and it seemed intent on delivering to them a dark message.  

A gust of cold wind punched open the wooden shutters once more, whereupon a violent fluttering of wings accompanied by piercing screeches thrust into the cottage.  Arabella flung her hands instinctively to her face, but forced herself to look upon the commotion that now hovered above her head.  She recognised a raven with dark glistening feathers, carrying something, which it dropped dramatically at her feet before squawking once and leaving them via the way it had come.  She looked at her grandmother.

 Bess was in a trance, incanting deeply.  Arabella stood up thinking to close the shutters but her grandmother held up her hand and the shutters slammed together, as though the wind and the rain proved no obstacle.  She jumped and looked at her grandmother in wonder.

"They will remain shut now," Bess said as she nodded toward the wayward window. "And what have we here?" She returned her gaze to the bundle that had fallen at her granddaughter's feet.

Arabella regained her breath and walked over to peruse the thing.  It was a chick of some sort, covered in saturated down and blood.

"It's a poor little bird," Arabella sighed.

"It's much more than than that," Bess said.  

Arabella looked at her grandmother who wore that faraway expression she'd seen so many times before.

"This is an owl chick."

Arabella creased her brow, "an owl chick" she repeated, slowly.

"It's an omen" Bess said gravely, "an ill omen indeed."


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## Cran (Jul 23, 2011)

In what way is this scene a prologue?


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## Aderyn (Jul 23, 2011)

Cran said:


> In what way is this scene a prologue?



It is the first 'scene' in my novel.  I'm not sure whether I will end up calling it a prologue or simply 'chapter one' but it is a little short for a chapter and it stands apart from what I have written as 'chapter 1' so at the moment it is a prologue


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## Cran (Jul 23, 2011)

If you're not sure, then it's more likely the first scene of chapter 1, and not a prologue.


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## Prof (Jul 31, 2011)

Much better, and as observed above, not really a prologue. It is more an introduction.  There is still a lot  of room to edit and tighten.  I"ll give you a few examples.

Unless he is going to play a major paprt in the play I would cut out the  cat.  He takes up half of the first paragraph and is not mentioned again. (If yo keep him he should at least react when the raven fly in.

kettles and pots are for cooking.  Give the reader some credit.

I'm not sure Grandma should become  Bess.  This is Arabella's story.  Does she think of her as Grandma, or Bess?

That's enough for now.  The story has some  promise.  Keep kicking it around.


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## Aderyn (Aug 1, 2011)

Prof said:


> Much better, and as observed above, not really a prologue. It is more an introduction.  There is still a lot  of room to edit and tighten.  I"ll give you a few examples.
> 
> Unless he is going to play a major paprt in the play I would cut out the  cat.  He takes up half of the first paragraph and is not mentioned again. (If yo keep him he should at least react when the raven fly in.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the feedback and I agree.  I've thought about the cat too, he definitely needs to be in the story but I think I need to introduce him a little differently.


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## Celestial-Ultimatum (Aug 11, 2011)

This. Is. A. Great. Beginning!  I do agree with some responses.  This seems more like a chapter one kind of thing to me!  

And now for some comments (yay!!)  

I would love to see more details during the Owl Chick scene.  I feel it's the most integral part of the chapter (from what I can see), so making it longer would be fantastic!  However, I also like the suspenseful drop when it ends with 



> "It's an omen" Bess said gravely, "an ill omen indeed."



I think that should remain the last sentence of the chapter but just expand upon everything else.  Cheers!  

Celestial-Ultimatum


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## Redcat (Aug 11, 2011)

I really liked your story. I do agree with two things: the language is rather modern and much more is needed to make this a prologue. 

A prologue should provide some back story the reader needs later on. A well-formed prologue provides back story too awkward to force into the middle of the structure.

For example, in "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle," we learned about the protagonist's uncle during his time at war. At the time he purchases something that is pivotal to the resolution of the story -- forty or so years later.

If we catch up to Arabella in the first chapter after her grandma's passing, her growth, etc. and the omen catches up, then you've got a great start for a prologue. 

I really liked your story. Keep up the good work!


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## NicolasBroaddus (Aug 14, 2011)

I agree with the previous thoughts that the language has to be made more archaic; if they are the only two in the village that can read, shouldn't they have a fuller vocabulary than the townsfolk? Other than that and a few minor errors I liked it, it has a draw, there have not been enough *good *stories about witches in the traditional sense, it's high time for one. Also the idea that the story should rejoin after the passing of the grandmother is interesting, as it would put pressure on her to take over as healer in the town and eventually unravel the mystery of the omen.


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## Aderyn (Aug 14, 2011)

Celestial-Ultimatum 						- I'm so happy you enjoyed it and thank you for your comments.  Yes I think I will add a little more detail to the 'owl chick' scene, however I am learning that you don't need to give it all away in the opening chapters so I still want the first scene to be quite short and quick.

Redcat - thanks so much!  I agree with you (and everyone) about the 'prologue problem' and so I have decided it will simply be the opening scene of chapter 1.  I continue to rework the dialogue - however being an avid reader of historical fiction I know that many authors simply use modern langauge with the odd old vernacular thrown in, but I'll keep reworking it 

NicolasBroaddus - thank you!  I've commented on the dialogue above, as for the idea that poor old gran dies, it would be a very good idea, and maybe it happens ... or not   thanks for commenting


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## demonangel667 (Aug 24, 2011)

This is a wonderful start to a story. I'm already pulled in and ready to read the rest. So much has been said about it that I feel it has all been covered. So I leave you with a sincere keep writing, can't wait for more. P.S. poor little owl


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## Aderyn (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks demonangel, that means a lot to me . I have actually written a fair bit more and I'll be adding another little bit from this story eventually.  Thanks for reading it!


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## Tatham (Sep 8, 2011)

An intriguing beginning to a colourful story. Unlike some I'm glad you held off on her ancestors story for the moment. Too much information at a story's beginning can be overwhelming to begin with. And let's not forget that there's no fun revealing everything all too quickly. Just knowing that there was a revered ancestor is enough to keep me reading, in hopes of perhaps learning more.

Your first draft, as you know, didn't give me a lot of time to breath between paragraphs but I can see you cleared that up nicely. I think you've been given plenty of feedback to continue on now. Overrall, it's well written and holds for a promising turn out. Now get writing and let's see what road your imagination takes you down.


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## GWJ Baird (Oct 2, 2011)

I loved the name Arabellla, it seems fitting for the character and the story,

When the raven bursts in, I would maybe refer to Arthur once more, it seems like he is there at the beginning and then just disappears, only a little thing that does not overly impact on the story but it just a small pet peeve of mine, where characters seem to vanish in the middle of a scene 

Great work so far!


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## Red-James (Nov 3, 2011)

i like it, (the new one) the one thing that kind of ruined the flow was when the raven leaves "via" not a choice wording, it doesnt flow and if i am not mistaken was not used in the time era you are going for. Other then that it flowed nicely, though (and i say this for alot of people) more visual detail would help build the story


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## outoftheblue (Nov 9, 2011)

Hey Aderyn - Very impressed with your work, and also in admiration that you're tackling a period-piece. Even if it has the supernatural element, you have to have a core respect for the time you're setting your story in, so good luck with that.

I liked the dialogue, and especially how you've made both characters individual - which is one of the more challenging aspects of writing: making two characters sound different, and not too similar. And you've done that really well, and effectively. :smile2:


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## Aderyn (Dec 17, 2011)

Tatham - thank you, yes, I want readers to learn more about ancestors later.

GWJ Baird - I have altered the scene so that we do see Arthur again.  I thought this too when I read it the first time, thank you!
Read James - thanks for the tip!  Yes I have to get the vernacular right.

Outoftheblue - I'm glad to hear you're opinion, the dialogue is a constant work in progress!


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## Jeko (Jan 4, 2012)

Great piece, Aderyn



> rain poured in like fired arrows



Love the simile relating it to arrows; gives a real speed and power to the rain. But what are arrows if they are not fired? I think 'fired' could be replaced by a better adjective, to amplify the power of those arrows.

Other than that, its great. You have me hooked.


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## Aderyn (Jan 6, 2012)

Thanks for that Cadence, more food for thought . Thanks for reading it.


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