# things you shouldn't say



## Olly Buckle (Jan 21, 2017)

Some things are best not said,

"How fast was I going? Don't be silly officer, you can't look down at the speedo at that speed."

"Morning, you look well for putting on a bit of weight.”


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## The Fantastical (Jan 21, 2017)

I think that yes... those are two things one should never say.


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## escorial (Jan 21, 2017)

you ok


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## PiP (Jan 21, 2017)

When is the baby due?

(Harmless question? No. A few years  ago I'd put on some weight so I was a little tubby around the middle. And, yes, I was feeling rather sensitive. The pub landlord asked me when the baby was due. My husband laughed and before I could reply to the guy hubby turned to me with his best smug expression and said: I told you you were putting on weight.. Needless to say they both nearly wore a pint of beer).


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## Kevin (Jan 21, 2017)

From personal experience:

"Is that your mother?" She was not. They were roughly the same age.  I wasn't lying (oh... boy).

conversely:

"Is she your sister?" when you know that is not the case,( so you're lying)...always works (obviously she's the mother, though example one proves you can never be 100% on anything ).


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## Sam (Jan 21, 2017)

One day while coming home from Dublin, as a passenger in a car doing ninety mph, the driver looked out of his window and said: 

"Jesus, I haven't changed these tires in over a year."


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## Bloggsworth (Jan 21, 2017)

Yes, your bum does look big in that, it looks big in everything...


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## Kevin (Jan 21, 2017)

Sometimes it's how fast you say things, like if you get asked that and hesitate it might be worse than if you speed-said an honest opinion- quickly moving onto the next...


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## PiP (Jan 21, 2017)

You laugh like a girl.


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## Darkkin (Jan 21, 2017)

While talking to my sister at my brother's wedding, one his friends came over, looked and me and said, 'The pretty one, right?'   #-o


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## JustRob (Jan 21, 2017)

A slight extension to the theme maybe. I was on a technical course in London a very long time ago (Still have a group photo from it actually, taken for possible inclusion in the organisers' brochure.) when it was noticed that one of the attendees hadn't turned up. When we suggested that the person running the course should phone up to find out where the missing person was (This was before mobile phones were in common use, by the way.) he said that bitter experience had proved that this was not the thing to do as there was no saying what a person might be using attendance as a cover for doing. Personally I never missed a day there, honest.


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 21, 2017)

My friend was out with her fifth and youngest child when an old lady looked into the pushchair and said "Out with granny?"


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## Darkkin (Jan 21, 2017)

When a person has twenty copies of the same book, a scanner, a phone, and a name tag on...'Do you work here?'


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## midnightpoet (Jan 21, 2017)

To a guy with a big belly (especially if he's also built like a beer truck and looks mean):

"Hey, I want the speckled one with the curly tail."

I, uh, wouldn't pat him on the belly when you say it either.


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## bdcharles (Jan 21, 2017)

Olly Buckle said:


> Some things are best not said,
> 
> "How fast was I going? Don't be silly officer, you can't look down at the speedo at that speed."
> 
> "Morning, you look well for putting on a bit of weight.”



Hah I recall a female colleague being told she "looked tired" by a cafe worker. The fact is she always looked like that.

Great quote from Sherlock the other day:

Officer: "Do you have any idea how fast you were driving?"
Mrs. Hudson: "Of course I don't, I was on the phone!"


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## escorial (Jan 21, 2017)

ban ​Cran


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## Phil Istine (Jan 22, 2017)

Olly Buckle said:


> My friend was out with her fifth and youngest child when an old lady looked into the pushchair and said "Out with granny?"



I had something like this happen to me LOL.
My ex-girlfriend had her son relatively late, and I'm about five years older than her.
I took her son to the leisure centre so we could play badminton together.  I'm not actually his blood relative but the woman who takes the money there assumed I was his grandfather.  I suppose it wasn't unreasonable because there is an age difference of forty-three years.
I didn't hear the last of that for ages, but we decided to spare her blushes and never told her.


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## sas (Jan 23, 2017)

When my son has new passenger in his car, he always says:

"Buckle up, I'm gonna try something." 
.


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## JustRob (Jan 23, 2017)

If you ring a number and none of the first three people that you ask to speak to are there, don't say in exasperation "Is _nobody_ there?" as you may get the reply "No, but I'm here. If you give me a message I'll pass it on to nobody for you." I had a conversation with an inconsiderate idiot like this when they phoned my office once when everyone else was at lunch and I considerately answered someone else's phone. 

They also compounded their idiocy by initially asking "Is so-and-so not there?" to which I was tempted to answer "Yes," and then wait for them to work out what that actually meant.


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## Winston (Jan 23, 2017)

Your relative is sick, and near death?  How old are they?
Well, at least they lived a long life.


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## Kevin (Jan 23, 2017)

Winston said:


> Your relative is sick, and near death?  How old are they?
> Well, at least they lived a long life.


 when it comes my time you can tell me that. I figured since about 45 or so that I've had enough. Not that I want to go anytime soon, not even close, but if something were to happen, I've had a pretty good life. I've never starved, never lost a child, or had anyone near me murdered, never lived through a war or worse.


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## dither (Jan 24, 2017)

Y'know? It's funny, women? Some time ago now i ran into a woman that i know, a friend of the family, forty-ish i suppose. She'd been in Hospital for what i'd gathered had been quite a serious operation.
"Hi! How's it going?" I asked. Not wanting to mention the operation.
"Oh not too bad thanks", she replied. " I'm on the mend i think ".
"You're looking well anyway". I'd meant that as a compliment.
" You mean I'm _fat "
_I leaned towards her and said in a low tone " you're not fat ".
" Thanks ". She answered smiling.


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## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

Funerals bring out idiotic and hurtful comments. Just say, "I am sorry", instead of...

A friend's 18 year old son was killed walking (note not driving) at night, across a busy campus street. It was his first Homecoming, and yes he had been drinking. Next to the casket, my former husband immediately said to the father:
"Kids do the stupidest things."  So do some people. . .when they open their mouths. 
.


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## Ptolemy (Jan 24, 2017)

My cousin at my Grandmothers funeral: 

"You know (Ptolemy) I put the 'fun' in funeral."


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 12, 2017)

You don't need wing mirrors on a bike if you drive fast enough.


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## ppsage (Mar 12, 2017)

On my side of the pond, anything that sounds Russian.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 12, 2017)

ppsage said:


> On my side of the pond, anything that sounds Russian.



But if nobody says anything sounding Russian how do they know what Russian sounds like? Or do you mean
'Russian' as a social group rather than a language?


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## Kevin (Mar 12, 2017)

Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti to a Russian


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## ArtBlinked (Mar 12, 2017)

"You're not that fat."


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Mar 12, 2017)

'Your art is good, BUT....' *insert comment about linework, style, or mistakes* 

Worse if the person speaking can't even draw a stickman.


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## ppsage (Mar 13, 2017)

Olly Buckle said:


> But if nobody says anything sounding Russian how do they know what Russian sounds like?


YouTube car crash videos of course!


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## moderan (Mar 13, 2017)

"Your ass makes that skirt look fat."


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 13, 2017)

moderan said:


> "Your ass makes that skirt look fat."



I am trying to think, is there an opposite gender equivalent of this? "Oh dear, you do look old and tired today", "Are you going bald?" getting there, but not quite the same.


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## The Green Shield (Mar 13, 2017)

"No offense, but..."

What that translates to is, "This is my 'Let Me Be A Jerk' Guilt-Free card!"


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## Kevin (Mar 13, 2017)

Olly Buckle said:


> I am trying to think, is there an opposite gender equivalent of this? "Oh dear, you do look old and tired today", "Are you going bald?" getting there, but not quite the same.


how about uhm... Yes, that belly_ does _make your penis look smaller_..._?


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## The Green Shield (Mar 13, 2017)

Kevin said:


> how about uhm... Yes, that belly_ does _make your penis look smaller_..._?


Perfect.


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## Firemajic (Mar 13, 2017)

Kevin said:


> how about uhm... Yes, that belly_ does _make your penis look smaller_..._?






:coffeescreen: seeeeeeriously...


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