# Scores: Literary Maneuvers March 2019



## bdcharles (Mar 25, 2019)

Here they are. I don't have much time to give it all the usual preamble (yeah, yeah, stop cheering at the back) so I'll just quickly thank all the entrants, judges, prompt suggesters and seconders, and everyone else involved. OK, let's get down to business 

[spoiler2=bdcharles]
"Family"
Tim
SPaG: 3/5
T&V: 3.5/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 12.5/20

Review: Your physical descriptors of the assault are really good and visceral. I can really feel them. You have a lot of grammar errors though, and the voice is kind of a little too generic for me, encumbered with time-worn phrases - "tortured features", "angry red welts", "pain-wracked eyes". Also I wasn't sure what happened at the end. What was the call for, and why did it have the effect on the warden that it did, and why did the inmate suddenly want his own cell? Some revelation that compromised the jailer, but I'm just not sure what. That said, you have some great images too - "like belting a cold-side-of-beef with a mallet", "amplifying the infliction", "triggering a trickle of dark blood", "long, uncomfortable minute" - really good phrases for conveying what happened. Interesting situation too, with the jailer and the inmate being brothers.

---

"-schubert sherbet-"
-xXx-
SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Total: 19/20

I'm seeing what at first I thought was a psychiatric patient, but is possibly a hacker of staggering genius or maybe someone in an experimental lab, engaged in some seemingly repetitive task - painting equations - before we switch to a pair of observers. They can't believe the shit he's - or she's - coming out with. They've got videos, teams of experts, everything, trying to make sense of it all. Reality-bending stuff, this. Does he vanish? I wasn't sure.

It is rather strange, seeing you write in a more accessible way, as you do with the dialogue in the second part. One of the things I love about your work is I always come away feeling smarter, even if it's just learning a couple of words like ansible and palimpsest, or some new subject like capstone cryptography. The voice is cool, the writing stylish as fuck, and nothing is wasted. Yeah. I dunno. I dinged you one effect point because I had to read it twice. 

---

"The nurse will see you now"
epimetheus
SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Total: 17/20

This is a really alarming short piece. I really enjoyed it. Some phrases - "surrendering to time", "in these halls had walked murderers and rapists", "it could have restarted an arrested heart" - were brilliant.

Couple of grammar wibbles and repeated/slightly awkward phrasings elsewhere; eg:

"empty hospitals, she had even taken a trip to Chernobyl" - comma splice
Repetitions of "Drawn" very close to one another

For some reason this reminded me - you may not be familiar - with the track "Lost Keys (Blame Hoffman)" which is part of "Rosetta Stoned" by Tool. I'm listening to that now  Anyway, yep. I'm wondering what that painted face was all about.

---

"A Taste To Die For"
rcallaci
SPaG: 4.5/5
T&V: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Total: 15.5/20

I laughed at this "Human meat is what I now eat and it made me what I am; one mother-fucking cannibal man. ". It's just such a fuckin' testosterone-propelled mightmare poetic utterance. Hah and you actually managed to craft a cannibal with due consideration for minors. The worrying thing? I can't disabuse myself of the notion that this subculture really exists. 

I suppose the plot arc was probably the lightest touch here - you go for the gore and linearity rather than anything overly intellectual - but that's fine. SPaG no issues though not perhaps the most challenging. But it was a good read.

---

"Stinky-Binks"
Fatclub
SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4/5
Effect: 6.5/10
Total: 14.5/20

Crude, crass - what's not to like? I can hear this lot of reprobates and their guttural cockney speak loud and clear. The writing style is not too challenging, and occasionally the grammar was off, but the voice and the characterisation was great. The big issue for me was that it was very slice-of-life-ish, with not much of note happening narratively. But you hit what you aimed at, so yep - all good. 

---

"Dignity"
luckyscars
SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 4.5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 16.5/20

Hard-hitting, but sensitive at the same time. You have some great phrases - "staring up at the mathematical rendition of her own beating heart", "saw it for the happiness it was", "his voice a wavering string like a tuneless saxophone". Gosh and there's all those horrible little expressions like "wouldn't you like to be comfortable" which are of course just ways of saying "I'm going to legally do you in"

Couple of typos; eg:

Three days later, around the same [time?] that the ambulance arrived at St. Lucy’s

And you like your ellipses, which I feel can make a piece look messy. But good, in spite of that.

---

"Bad Moon Rising"
Arachne
SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 3/5
Effect: 7.5/10
Total: 15.5/20

Good to see the situation, the inciting moment, put out the front. And very soon you put the goal - the destruction of Frank - in our minds too. I'm definitely thinking that things won't go as planned. And you deliver. I feel the tension rising, and the characters are ultimately sympathetic.

Great expression in "A slurry of tattoos".

I wasn't sure, if Frank didn't kill the people Andy thought, then who did he do in? Felt that was a little unresolved. Also, "said the guard, then leaned towards Andy and whispered" read a little awkwardly to me and could probably just be "he said". Voicewise was a little generic for me, but perfectly accessible all the same. Good entry - thank you for the read.

---

"The Man in the Cell"
Kebe
SPaG: 3.5/5
T&V: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 12.5/20

No big issues and in general a very smooth read. There were a couple of minor moments of confusion, eg: "Then he was off to prison" sounded like he himself got banged up. I also didn't fully feel the tension of moment and I'm not entirely sure why - I guess there was nothing put out there that could go wrong; eg: it wasn't clear what Donnie's goal was such that we could sense it about to be thwarted. Instead we are simply surprised out of an otherwise mundane situation. Some early infodumping about the sandwiches and some well-worn phrases - "the ease and grace of a ballet dancer", "like an ensnared rabbit" - tend to keep this a little generic for me. Still, technically it was pretty much on point and you do have some cracking visuals: "his belly bounced under his strained shirt" and "an encircling staircase" really stood out in terms of style.
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=SueC]
*(1) Family *
*Tim*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/5
Overall: 14/20*
*Review:*  Hi Tim. Congrats on your first LM comp entry! So good to  see you give this a try. I know that sometimes writing with word  limitations, it is easy to leave out some crucial information that makes  sense to you, the author, but may not to your readers. 
               I see that our prisoner is the older biological brother  of the Warden. He has been put in prison for crimes committed as a  "crime boss," and his younger brother, the Warden, is taking his pound  of flesh as the story opens. I read this twice to be sure I didn't miss  anything, but the ending still left me confused. 
_"My beloved Diana," the Warden hissed in a low tone. "Was already pregnant with your daughter."_ (Two incomplete sentences here, btw.)
               I couldn't tell if the beloved Diana was his wife, his  sister, his daughter, or ?? At any rate, I assume it was Diana who was  on the phone with the Warden at the end of the story, and the "klutz" is  her daughter, Belinda, who apparently had left home and also left a  note. My confusion comes from not knowing what, in that note, made the  Warden suddenly take a different tactic and realize the crime boss was  now in control. There just wasn't enough information for the light bulb  to go on, at least in _my_ head! <smile>
               Formatting needs a little work. The first two sentences  of the story are incomplete and It's my guess you meant to combine them.  The dashes between cold side of beef are unnecessary, imo.                
               There were also some issues with spacing, but that could  be just transferring your document to the site. Sometimes that happens  and you can correct it before hitting the _submit_ button in the future.
               I would suggest backing off a little on the brutality of  the beatings to give yourself some space to further enhance the  relationship between all relevant characters. Also, the part about DNA  results left me a little confused, since the Warden, from the beginning,  clearly thought of this prisoner as his older brother.
               Good job for your first try, Tim. This could use a little  fine tuning, and I hope you keep working on it. Try reading it out loud  and I think you will catch a lot of those incompletes. Thanks so much  for your submission. 

*(2) One Instance of Language*
*XxX*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Effect: 3/10
Overall: 8/20*
*Review:* I am not familiar with this style of writing or  story-telling. To be honest, I couldn't really tell what the actual  title was, since "-shubert sherbert -" had the word count after it and  may have been the actual title, instead of what is above. I apologize if  I got it wrong.
               There were several incomplete sentences, especially in  the beginning, but other than that the formatting further down seemed to  work all right. As I read along, I found it was an observation (by whom  I am not sure) of a prisoner who was painting a wall of cinder blocks, I  think. Then, for reasons unknown, the prisoner simply disappeared into a  point in the wall, still under their watchful eye. The prisoner was  determined not to be lost, however, by those who were observing and  everything remained calm. 
               I do not see where the prompt "warden I want my own  cell," comes into play. I do not know the significance of the many words  in italics.
_No streak. No peak. Peak and fall. Peak and fall  billiard ball. Ecstatic elastic. Lead leads lead like Cavendish.  Extraction attraction._
               Thank you for your submission, xXx.

*(3) The Nurse Will See you Now*
*epimetheus*
*Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall:  17/20*
*Review:* Hi epi. Loved the tension in this piece. Because of the  limited word count, however, I can see this really being fleshed out as a  better, more comprehensive story without the limit. But I think you did  a pretty good job with all of the elements you incorporated to make  this a really creepy story on its own.
               Formatting was good; I saw no incomplete sentences or  errors. I would suggest making the opening paragraph two instead of one;  maybe making the break at "One of the cell doors was partially opened."  That would bring you away from Gemma as a person interested in creepy  places, back to her present environment. And even though you cover what  type of a person Gemma is, you don't explain why she was in that part of  the prison that day. (i.e. she had heard it was haunted, she had down  time from the infirmary, she wanted to stretch her legs, etc.) It  shouldn't take much to explain her presence there, and it would have  been helpful, I think, to round things out, maybe bring the ending more  into focus. 
               Also, when she arrived back at the infirmary, she was  told that the prisoner had arrived the day before, which I found a  little confusing. Had she not been at the infirmary since then? Was the  prisoner out of control the entire time? What were they doing with him  that day, that he was thrashing about? How had they found him? Well,  that's what I mean when I mentioned fleshing your story out. :smile:
               I can clearly see the prompt. You brought the Warden in  close to the end, to be sure he/she heard the prisoner say he wanted a  new cell. Clever, even though I think the connection between the blood  on the prisoner and the red face on the wall of the abandoned and unused  cell was a bit of a stretch, without more to go on.
               I really don't have much more to add, other than to say  again that I enjoyed the read. It was fast paced and well done, just  missing a few details that might make it better. Thanks so much for  submitting your story, epi.

*(4) A Taste to Die For*
*rcallaci*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15/20*
*Review:* Hi rcallaci. You have remarkable skills creating scenes  that are very vivid. I can't say I enjoyed the subject matter, but can  speak to the formatting and style.
               I saw no discernible issues regarding spelling or  grammar. No incomplete sentences. The story you tell is morbid, but told  well. You have identified a person who has grown up savoring the taste  of meat, which evolved as an adult into a taste for human meat because  of his compassion for animals. You have even gone so far as to imply  that cannibalism is something that is enjoyed freely by others in this  country. His notoriety earned him the cover of Time magazine! If  that was the case, I wondered why your MC ended up in jail. Certainly,  if a society is going to applaud cannibalism, celebrate it, there must  be an understanding that the human flesh comes from somewhere; someone  will have to die for all the food and soup, etc. that is being enjoyed.
               I understand that this was not a serious piece and was  written in what could be considered "black humor." Unfortunately,  however, I found the addition of the prompt at the very end a little  hollow, and this is reflected in the scoring too. The last paragraph has  the authorities finding the cadavers in storage freezers, so what bones  is he using as a bargaining chip for a new cell - and why does he need a  new one?
               Thank you for your submission, rcallaci.

*(5) Subterranean Reluctant Messiah*
*anonymous (bdcharles)*
*Spelling/Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -*
*Overall: -*
*Review:* This took awhile for me to understand but by the end of  the story it was more clear, although still somewhat confusing. A  prisoner who is aware the end of the world is at hand, wants a safe  place to ride the storm. He somehow finagles the warden to put him in  solitary confinement, which seems to be several feet below ground,  because he knows he would not be safe from "God" in general population.  As he sits in his isolation, the food source becomes erratic and then  stops all together; lights go out and stay out. He then hears the  God-machine and feels he has used his last option.
               There seems to be flaws in his reasoning - the real  possibility of running out of food, unable to leave the cell he is in to  escape whatever doom is marching his way. But for the sake of the story  at hand, it was well written and I could discern no flaws in  formatting, spelling or grammar. The prompt was clearly incorporated.
               This had a very creepy feel to it all along, but  especially as things began to run out, and I could feel my anxiety level  increase, imagining the prisoner's plight. Good job, and thanks for  your submission.

*(6) Stinky Binks*
*FatClub*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 13/20*
*Review:* Hi, Fatclub. This was kind of funny. Also kind of gross.  Unfortunately, there were several issues with formatting; incomplete  sentences and paragraph structures that really defied all the rules.  :smile:
_I sized him up – first thing you do with a new  cellmate: small, weedy, no threat. A proper ginger- whinger. “Some  things you gotta put up with, Jinj.” I said. “Live and let live.” That's  'tough shit' to you and me. I shower-dodge every chance I get, even  though I sweat buckets. Well, middle o’ summer, you know. Also, I hate  treading in the man-jelly left on the shower floor. “What’re you in  for?” I asked (second thing you do)._
               The above paragraph was difficult to decipher. I think  "small, weedy and no threat" should go with sizing them up, not split  between the beginning and end of the sentence. i.e. _First thing you do with a new cell mate is size them up. I found him to be small, weedy and no threat. _ 
               The next three sentences were incomplete, and you have  the quotes and thoughts so mixed up without a break, it's hard to tell  which is which; what he is actually saying to his new cellmate and what  he is thinking in his head.
               It might be a good idea for you to read your work out  loud so you can pick up on any irregularities or things that just don't  work. Also, one of the things I have learned is that we really don't  write the way we speak. If we did that, we would have tons of pauses,  incomplete sentences and a jumbled mess. Colloquialisms are fine, but  shouldn't be used to such an extent that the reader feels left out. They  have to understand what they are reading and why it's funny.
               I understood the story and the ending message. The prompt was evident. Thanks for your submission, Fatclub.

*(7) Dignity
Luckyscars
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5 
Overall: 14*
*Review:* Hi Luckyscars. Poignant, relatable, encompassing all of  our fears. We all know what it means when we hear of hospice; a  time-table, the short list, get your goodbye's said and so on. You not  only captured the patient's anxiety and anger, but also those who know  her - her husband, already suffering the loss before it happens; the  young doctor, not really skilled yet in this part of the human  experience, but doing his best. You did well with the dialogue.
               What you didn't seem to capture, however, was the prompt.
               No formatting or SPaG issues at all. Only comment I can  make is that there seemed a slight disconnect between Darcy being at the  beach, and then she is at her appointment with the doctor. I just felt  it needed more of a transition. And again at the end - she rolls over  and pretends to be asleep, and next her body is found by the fisherman.  Other than that, I saw no glitches. 
               Also, unfortunately, I could not see how this in any way  relates to the prompt of "Warden, I want my own cell," and that is  reflected in the score. 

*cool: Bad Moon Rising*
*Arachne*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*
*Review: *Hi Arachne. I think this was well done. You have an MC  who is a vampire, Andy, but with a conscience. How he wound up in prison  is anyone's guess, but he's there and he feel its where he belongs.  He's anticipating being able to kill whatever low life resides in his  cell with him, and then solitary will suit him just fine. He wasn't  planning on being housed with a nice guy, however, and in the end - Andy  really wants his own cell - now!
               I couldn't detect any SPaG issues; no incomplete  sentences. You've presented a vampire who is unlike tradition - he  really cares about people, it seems, and tries not to kill those whom he  feels don't  deserve it. It did leave me with wanting more, however,  and I don't think you took any risks here. For example - not that I know  anything about vampires - but don't they rely on human blood to  survive? So Andy thinking being in solitary confinement is going to suit  him is a little contradictory. When Frank was introduced I saw some  potential there, and you started okay, but then I didn't feel any  anxiety or tension over the situation in the cell with him. That might  have been a good opportunity to explore different opportunities for  Andy, or maybe show a side of him other than being a nice vampire with a  conscience.
               I thought the dialogue worked well. Good job, Arachne, and thank you for your submission.

*(9) The Man in the Cell*
*Kebe*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8
Overall: 14*
*Review: *Hi Kebe. Okay, so here we have Donnie, who works in a  prison and is married to Ester. He is an older man, since all of his  kids are grown and gone. He gets to the prison and at that moment a  co-worker spills coffee and it's a small humorous moment for the three  prison guards. Two of them walk further into the cell block and are  eventually confronted by a prisoner who is wielding a large knife. We  think he kills Thompson, one of the guards, and then (for some reason)  backs into his cell, where his small cell mate bops him over the head  with a bedpan and proclaims that he wants - and is entitled to - a cell  of his own. (The prompt is in!)
               This is not a bad story, but there are some issues. There  are, in my opinion, way too many commas throughout. When we speak, we  often pause sometimes for no good reason, maybe to take a breath or for  emphasis, and when I first started writing I thought all pauses in my  speaking voice warranted a comma in my writing voice. It looks like you  have the same mind-set. I have learned since then that is not the case. 
               Shorter sentences also can help to make the action more tense. _Donnie turned around. Out of the corner of his eye . . ."_
               I also had a little difficulty figuring out who was  talking. You gave no "he said," or "Donnie said," and it would have been  helpful in the appropriate spots. All of these little things start to  erode the interest and the attention of the reader. The first time we  saw Jesse speak ("Imagine my surprise when the door clicked open  earlier. I still cannot believe it, can you?"), there was no indication  it was him speaking or what he was talking about, since we (your  readers) had no knowledge of the event he referred to.
               I think your idea here is a good one. I encourage you to  work on this a bit and fine tune it some more. If you read out loud you  might be able to pick up on over-long sentences and ones that can lose  some of the commas. I liked the ending with the brave little guy hitting  the big bad guy with a bedpan. But - I know this is just me - I  wondered why in the world would he have a bedpan handy?
               Thanks for your entry, Kebe. Keep writing!
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=velo]
*Family, Tim
SpAG:3
TaV:4
Effect:6
Total:13
*

SpAG.  "The man handcuffed to the thick steel bars, grunted and coughed  through his half-clogged nose."  Extraneous comma, it completely changes  the sentence structure and renders it incomplete.  

"pain induced" needs to be hyphenated.  A couple other instances of missing hyphens as well.  

Unsure if the convict was ever turned over based on phrasing.  

TaV: Overall consistent though a bit on the dry side.  There seemed to  be an inconsistency between the Warden's attitude and seeming to let the  convict not allow himself to be turned over...if that's what happened.   

Effect:  A good, if somewhat boilerplate, take on the prompt.  I'm not  sure if the family relationship between the two added much to the story.   I think there needed to be a little more there for it to truly have  impact.  

I did enjoy this, especially as the tables turn on the warden who,  despite being on the 'right side of the law,' was an entirely  unsympathetic and brutish character.  



*schubert sherbet, -xXx-
SpAG: 3
TaV: 2
Effect: 2
Total: 7
*

SpAG:  No real 'errors' that I caught, however a lot of repetition and unusual phrasing that I could not grok a reason for.  

TaV: Major shift halfway through.  Not a problem in an of itself but  again, the purpose is obscured to me.  Obviously POV changes but I don't  see the big picture in this.   

Effect:  To sum this up in one word I'd call it 'incomplete.'  I get  some of the things you are trying to portray but there is a lack of  connection between the purpose of the description of the person in the  chamber's thoughts and the scientists or gaolers interactions.   Admittedly, I made a tonne more sense of this than I did scripting the  nodes but I can't say that it worked for me any more.  

Not sure if the subject is insane or being studied or both or none.   Also isn't necessarily a problem but, again, there wasn't enough context  for me to care/understand.  

Call me old-school or hidebound, but I want more emotional and/or  intellectual connection to a story.  This set a portion of a scene but I  didn't care about it or know enough about it to engage me.  Speaking  strictly for myself, I want to see more narrative.


*The Nurse Will See You Now, epimethus
SpAG: 3
TaV: 3.5
Effect: 5
Total: 11.5
*

SpAG: "Here too the paint had peeled, but in the far corner, subdued in  shadow, a face painted in red upon the wall looked out at her."  'Too'  needs to be comma'd.  

"You’ve bleeped the doctor?"  LOL...is the doctor a pottymouth?  I assume you meant 'beeped.'  

TaV: Fairly consistent.  Some extraneous wording.  We didn't really need to know she went to Chernobyl, etc.  

Effect:  The whole story is a set up for the final sentence which, as  written, wasn't satisfying.  I think the major issue here is that a lot  of words are expended with the particulars of the infirmary scene which  could have been drastically cut down, in my opinion.  There was a major  creepy factor that began to build right from the beginning but was lost  as soon as the nurse was beeped.  It became almost procedural after that  and lost the tension.  



*A Taste to Die For, rcallaci
SpAG: 3
TaV: 3
Effect:5.5
Total: 11.5
*

SpAG:  "...and frolicked with in the mud. But after a time it just  seemed natural and right."  Reads better with a comma after 'mud.'  

"god forsaken" needs a hyphen.  [note]_ research indicates this is an  acceptable variant but I've never seen it used this way.  Will leave  comment but not factor into score_

..."and wild like them." should end with a question mark.  The sentence starts as an interrogative.  

" My mommy and daddy always told me what you eat is what will define  you. Human meat is what I now eat and it made me what I am; one  mother-fucking cannibal man. " Reuse of "eat" is awkward.  Generally  I've only seen "motherfucking" as a single word.  Is the hyphen intended  to insinuate an incestuous relationship?  If so, I see nothing else  that confirms that in the story.  

TaV: "It maximises the servings" sounds like a commercial.  Voice was  highly expositional, a tremendous amount of detail but mostly TELL vs  SHOW.  The tone was rather bland (though I do get it comes from the POV  character who clearly has some emotional issues) for the subject matter.   

Effect:  I think when you want to really punch that last line payoff it  needs to have a tonne of impact.  This one didn't quite make the mark  primarily because I didn't feel any real tension during the rest of the  story.  



*Subterranean Reluctant Messiah, anonymous (bdcharles)
SpAG: -
TaV: -
Effect: -
Total: -
*

SpAG  "Flimsy lamb, government issue veg and non-decomposable dosas went  into plastic tubs for storage, for Pravout had been forewarned of this  possibility."  Tried this as-is and with an Oxford, methinks the Oxford  is needed after 'issue.'  

A couple long sentences that border on being run-on but technically  aren't.  Would have preferred them broken up for readability.  

Some extra commas.  Example- "Once or twice the lights flickered, but  with the metronome regularity of the dinner plates gone, it was hard to  say how much time had elapsed."  This reads better with a single comma  or none at all vs two.  

"The poor buggers have been scared shitless."  Missing 'must'?  

TaV  Highly consistent and appropriate for the piece.  

Effect:  This is well done.  We know just enough to have a real sense of  things and yet enough is left unsaid to leave a mystery.  It's a fine  balancing act that often goes awry but here it works well.   I enjoyed  some of the phrases such as 'legal arcana' and 'metronome regularity of  the dinner plates.'  

I'll admit I wondered about the legality of not giving a prisoner  exercise but the tale drew me in sufficiently for suspension of  disbelief.  This was a well-crafted piece.  



*Stinky Binks, Fatclub
SpAG:3.5
TaV: 4
Effect:6.5
Total: 14
*

SpAG: "(That would’ve been the third thing: first-timer or not?)"  The parentheses were unnecessary and distracting.  

Some tense and punctuation errors but mostly solid.  


TaV: Quite consistent and appropriate for the setting/character.  

Effect: 'screw' Someone gave me some great advice this mechanic...let  your characters and narrator speak for themselves.  If the MC would say  screw, just say screw.  Don't italicise or set aside in quotes.  

"like a brown condom stuffed with walnuts"  I LOL'd

Fatclub when you first came to the forum I didn't quite know what to  make of your work.  Now I'm starting to wonder if the universe sent you  here to help us get over ourselves and our finer sensibilities.  :wink:   You write about farts and bare asses (moon landing) and seem to subtly  take the piss on the often high-faluting writing community.  I see a  bit of rebellion in the way you write and you present your fart stories  without a care as to what someone might say.  Respect for that  authenticity.  

The honest truth is that I didn't want to like this because of the  content but I kind of did.  It was gross and nasty, clearly on purpose,  but the execution worked for this take on the prompt.  The end was a bit  cliché and boilerplate for a prison story and honestly, having been a  prison guard in my murky past, a guy with this many GI problems might  not survive very long in certain lockups.  But that and my discomfort  aside, I think you did a decent job of this one.  




*Dignity, luckyscars
SpAG: 4.5
TaV: 5
Effect: 9
Total: 18.5
*

SpAG: A couple small formatting errors I had to look hard for.  

TaV:  There was a lonely, melancholic aura to the voice that was subtle and utterly perfect for the topic.  

Effect:  This was bloody well done.  It's so easy to stray into  melodrama with a piece like this but you never got close.  Darcy's anger  is palpable and tragic, her husband's helplessness (perhaps  spinelessness as well) and sadness at her attitude flowed effortlessly  off the page.  

One nit I'll pick is that I had to work a little harder than I'd liked  to have to have sympathy for Darcy.  As written she's fairly one-sided.   Admittedly 650w isn't a lot of space for character building but she is  SO angry and bitter, and has clearly traumatised the dr and her husband,  it was hard to see the rest of her humanity.  

That being said, I find this a superb piece of writing.  You don't waste  space on frivolous details or describe anything too heavily.  Every  word contributes to the story.  

How this fits with the prompt is a bit of a challenge, though.  I'm  really having to stretch my metaphorical muscles to see the  relationships between this story and the concepts of a warden and  wanting one's own cell.  She clearly isn't in a prison hospital as she  has free reign to walk to the beach and while she does choose her own  time and method of passing it's hard to truly call that wanting your own  cell.  




*Bad Moon Rising, Arachne
SpAG: 4
TaV:4
Effect:7
Total:15
*

 SpAG: "rec' room" doesn't need a hyphen in my experience.  

TaV: Consistent but a touch bland.  There was a boredom to the voice that I can neither explain nor quantify, I just felt it.  

Effect: Boy, what a start.  The first sentence is incredible for how  much information it conveys in a few words.  I really enjoy that you  never use the term 'werewolf' or go into any detail about it.  

I found the dialogue of the guard rather unrealistic.  He seemed quite chummy and casual.  

This was a great take on the prompt but there was a sense of tension  that was lacking despite the places you were obviously trying to build  it.  



*Kebe, The Man in the Cell
SpAG: 4
TaV: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13
*

SpAG: "smoking coffee" wouldn't this rather be 'steaming?'  

Some places that need commas, and couple that could be dispensed with.  

TaV:  

Effect:  I'm not sure how I feel about this...there is an almost  pastoral feel to the first paragraph, which is clearly to set up some  dissonance with the violence to come, but there I think it also creates a  sense of disconnectedness.  The last sentence attempts to frame the  whole piece in that outside life but the chasm between the two isn't  bridged at all in this story.  

At a couple points there's a lack of clarity as to who is speaking.  Had  to re-read a couple times to place everyone in the scene.  

For me, the shift in tone/action distanced me from the story.  There  wasn't enough in either part to really draw me in or create emotional  engagement.  The first paragraph was lovely, but I never really  connected.
[/spoiler2]



So: the raw datums say it's a pretty close one:



*Title and Author
**bdcharles
**SueC
**velo
**Total
*"Family" - Tim
12.5
14
13
13.167
"schubert sherbet" - -xXx-
19
8
7
11.333
"The Nurse Will See You Now" - epimetheus
17
17
11.5
15.167
"A Taste to Die For" - rcallaci
15.5
15
11.5
14
"Subterranean Reluctant Messiah" - anonymous aka yours truly 
j/e
j/e
j/en/a
"Stinky Binks" - Fatclub
14.5
13
14
13.833
"Dignity" - luckyscars
16.5
14
18.5
16.333
"Bad Moon Rising" - Arachne
15.5
17
15
15.833
"Kebe" - The Man in the Cell
12.5
14
13
13.167



And the tl;dr of _this _is:


*luckyscars 
*_with _*
Dignity*​
chased hard by 
*Bad Moon Rising *from *Arachne* ​
and pursued to the ends of the earth by
*The Nurse Will See You Now *by *epimetheus*​


Congrats to luckyscars, Arachne, and epimetheus, and thank you again for making this comp what it is. To the next!


----------



## Arachne (Mar 25, 2019)

Thanks all and well done Lucky; I Knew I was beaten as soon as I read it! Very good. 

Thanks to the judges for all the extremely helpful comments, much appreciated  

Good entry, Tim. The violence made me cringe, which is a good thing in this particular case  

Arachne


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## Kebe (Mar 25, 2019)

Congratulations luckyscars for a great story and a well-deserved win. Big thanks to the judges for their constructive feedback and to bdcharles for putting it all together.


----------



## epimetheus (Mar 25, 2019)

Thanks to the judges again: one day i'll actually improve and it'll be down to your help. Congrats to the winners, it's nice to have such excellent competition, makes me up my game.

Velo - i was a nurse for over a decade: i definitely 'bleeped' the doctors, though i often had to be 'bleeped' when commenting upon their antics. Maybe a UK thing.


----------



## luckyscars (Mar 25, 2019)

Thanks for the win and, more than anything, for the feedback! Some great pieces.

just to briefly respond to the feedback regarding my piece about terminal cancer not relating directly to the prompt of “Warden, I want my own cell”: The idea I was exploring, which might not have been made sufficiently clear, is that not all prisons are prisons, not all punishments have crimes, and sometimes the jailer is who we love.


----------



## velo (Mar 25, 2019)

Yeah, I that after I submitted the scores but it was too late.  Once I realised it it seemed obvious in retrospect.  Well done all around.  



luckyscars said:


> Thanks for the win and, more than anything, for the feedback! Some great pieces.
> 
> just to briefly respond to the feedback regarding my piece about terminal cancer not relating directly to the prompt of “Warden, I want my own cell”: The idea I was exploring, which might not have been made sufficiently clear, is that not all prisons are prisons, not all punishments have crimes, and sometimes the jailer is who we love.


----------



## velo (Mar 25, 2019)

I'm also enjoying the mathematical precision of the scores this month.


----------



## bdcharles (Mar 25, 2019)

velo said:


> I'm also enjoying the mathematical precision of the scores this month.



Whaat? Are they normally imprecise?


----------



## SueC (Mar 25, 2019)

> just to briefly respond to the feedback regarding my piece about terminal cancer not relating directly to the prompt of “Warden, I want my own cell”: The idea I was exploring, which might not have been made sufficiently clear, is that not all prisons are prisons, not all punishments have crimes, and sometimes the jailer is who we love.



Sometimes, since such explanations take up word counts, I think it would be a good idea to be able to write a little something _before_ the actual entry begins. We have such a wide and creative style of prompts lately, that I often feel a few words in advance about what a writer was thinking would be helpful to judges and readers alike This was one of those times, Luckyscars. I really did love the story, but was focused on a prompt I hadn't seen, or didn't think was there. If you had been able to say "not all prisons are prisons, not all punishments have crimes, and sometimes the jailer is who we love" would have made a difference to me, anyway.

Thanks for the thanks!


----------



## -xXx- (Mar 25, 2019)

congrats!
this challenge is awesome EVERY month!
love reading all submissions, love reading all feedback and love the seemingly infinite prompts/stories this challenge generates!
accolades all the way around!
please.

*bd*
<snip>Reality-bending stuff, this. Does he vanish? I wasn't sure.
_yes. nonspecified subject-object is no longer present to others in any recognizable form. the teams want to rule out combustion, but not change current state environmental changes during investigation(s)._
It is rather strange, seeing you write in a more accessible way, as you do with the dialogue in the second part. <snip> I dinged you one effect point because I had to read it *twice*. 
_ding, ding, ding! i think i will be writing under more than one pen name. ref below. that's not a bad thing. _

SueC
<snip> I apologize if I got it wrong.
_no worries._
<snip> As I read along, I found it was an observation (by whom I am not sure) of a prisoner who was painting a wall of cinder blocks, I think. Then, for reasons unknown, the prisoner simply disappeared into a point in the wall, still under their watchful eye. The prisoner was determined not to be lost, however, by those who were observing and everything remained calm.
_yes. layers of paint, via points between nonconductive layers, surface mount components of all listed component source materials, traces of modified glitter and a nondescript paperclip jumper to powersource.  it is a 3D printed circuit board (room)within which subject-object (unpaid intern) operates._
I do not see where the prompt "warden I want my own cell," comes into play.
_refer to* luckyscar *comment _ 
 I do not know the significance of the many words in italics.
No streak. No peak. Peak and fall. Peak and fall billiard ball. Ecstatic elastic. Lead leads lead like Cavendish. Extraction attraction.
_this represents subject-object creation concepts. of the above, Cavendish (experiment) is interesting. lead balls (attraction between) modeled to calculate gravity/earth's density, etc.
i will be working toward bridging gaps. i have no illusions that it will be easy. see question below. thank you for patiently reading and commenting. _

velo
<snip> Admittedly, I made a tonne more sense of this than I did scripting the nodes but I can't say that it worked for me any more. 
_personal goal, committed._
<snip>
Call me old-school or hidebound, but I want more *emotional and/or intellectual connection *to a story. This set a portion of a scene but I didn't care about it or know enough about it to engage me. Speaking strictly for myself, I want to see *more narrative*.

if there had been a dialogue between faceless-team-people discussing wierd pnp/npn, current state of surface mount component(s), and/or the Cavendish experiment, would that bridge the "narrative gap/connection" for you, specific to this story?
please and thanks,


----------



## Tim (Mar 25, 2019)

I'd like to thank the Host, Judges, Competitors and last but not least the Readers. I had fun writing for the competition. Can't wait for the next one.


----------



## rcallaci (Mar 25, 2019)

Thanks to the judges and the host - Lots of good tales and sharp writing. 


I've always enjoyed the LM. Doing a 650 flash piece with a prompt can get the juices going. As Sue pointed out I did not integrate my prompt well. I made it into a hanging fruit. For this piece I needed another 30 words or so to do the prompt justice, but I did enjoy writing my dark morsel. I write dark fairy tales and this one is no exception. Do these cannibal community's exist, I surely hope not but I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Humans love to play in  the mud...  

One point- he was on the cover of Time for his philanthropic work concerning his soup kitchens not his cooking activities. He even said it was ironic that he was a beloved figure when in reality he was eating and cooking his homeless guests.  

warmest
bob


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## Fatclub (Mar 26, 2019)

luckyscars said:


> Thanks for the win and, more than anything, for the feedback! Some great pieces.
> 
> just to briefly respond to the feedback regarding my piece about terminal cancer not relating directly to the prompt of “Warden, I want my own cell”: The idea I was exploring, which might not have been made sufficiently clear, is that not all prisons are prisons, not all punishments have crimes, and sometimes the jailer is who we love.


Really enjoyed the story and congrats, but...
...I think you have not been challenged enough by the prompt. The last prompt was _Footprints in the Snow_. At the end you could have had someone following her footprints in the sand to find her body. The prompt previous to that was_ Moon Landing. _One could have the moon landing on telly in the background in the room (the winning story was like this weak link to the prompt, it was a good one though). _Warden, I Want a New Cell _doesn't seem abstract enough to me to merit your story. 
I hope I don't sound like I'm taking it too seriously but I'm genuinely puzzled. Especially puzzled at the judges reactions. When I judged in the last prompt I deducted points from people for this.
No sour grapes at finishing nearly last again! (not much you may think!) Honestly, there were a lot of good stories here (even the winner's!)


----------



## luckyscars (Mar 26, 2019)

Fatclub said:


> Really enjoyed the story and congrats, but...
> ...I think you have not been challenged enough by the prompt. The last prompt was _Footprints in the Snow_. At the end you could have had someone following her footprints in the sand to find her body. The prompt previous to that was_ Moon Landing. _One could have the moon landing on telly in the background in the room (the winning story was like this weak link to the prompt, it was a good one though). _Warden, I Want a New Cell _doesn't seem abstract enough to me to merit your story.
> I hope I don't sound like I'm taking it too seriously but I'm genuinely puzzled. Especially puzzled at the judges reactions. When I judged in the last prompt I deducted points from people for this.
> No sour grapes at finishing nearly last again! (not much you may think!) Honestly, there were a lot of good stories here (even the winner's!)



First of all, thanks for reading and enjoying my work, Fatclub. I am sorry you don't find my story meritorious.

I do recognize there are different opinions. I also recognize the brief called for: "Pick your own title, write about whatever you want, in whatever prose style and interpreted as you see fit, as long as it's related in some way to the prompt."  

At the time I considered entering, I already noticed that all of the entries so far, every single one, had taken the prompt literally. I don't run nor judge these contests so its not my call, but I did not understand 'Warden, I Want My Own Cell' to mean 'give me 10 stories set inside prisons please' in the context of a contest called 'Literary *Maneuvers*'. I will let bdcharles explain his vision if he wants to.

I already explained how my story relates. Whether it works for you or others is definitely available for reasonable disagreement. I do disagree that relationship is nearly as incidental or thoughtless as you suggest: The themes of my story and of a prisoner wanting 'their own cell', I believe, are entirely consistent.

I could even go further here and maybe explain some other metaphors that might have been missed, like the play on the word 'cell' ('cancerous cell' and 'prison cell') perhaps... But I'm not here to ram my writing's coherence down others' throats. If my idea was not rendered clear enough, that is my failure not yours.


----------



## bdcharles (Mar 26, 2019)

Fatclub said:


> Really enjoyed the story and congrats, but...
> ...I think you have not been challenged enough by the prompt. The last prompt was _Footprints in the Snow_. At the end you could have had someone following her footprints in the sand to find her body. The prompt previous to that was_ Moon Landing. _One could have the moon landing on telly in the background in the room (the winning story was like this weak link to the prompt, it was a good one though). _Warden, I Want a New Cell _doesn't seem abstract enough to me to merit your story.
> I hope I don't sound like I'm taking it too seriously but I'm genuinely puzzled. Especially puzzled at the judges reactions. When I judged in the last prompt I deducted points from people for this.
> No sour grapes at finishing nearly last again! (not much you may think!) Honestly, there were a lot of good stories here (even the winner's!)



See I read it as "I want a new cell because my current ones are cancerous".


----------



## bdcharles (Mar 26, 2019)

luckyscars said:


> ...in the context of a contest called 'Literary *Maneuvers*'. I will let bdcharles explain his vision if he wants to.



The format of the LM predates my curatorship of it. But all this does raise the question of what constitutes a prompt. Sometimes I read a prompt and that ... prompts me ... to a whole secondary train of thought, most of which is not clearly related to the original thing, as luckyscars says. After all, actively including the prompt would make it a brief, no? But I suppose it can be a little confusing. I wonder if we ought to try bridging that gap when writing such entries, so that the prompt and the link to all those spawned off ideas is clear. It would actually be pretty interesting, to me, like a glimpse under all your writerly hoods. Do it. Do it, do it, do it! 

Anyway I'm glad I guessed right about the cancer. _(Yikes that sounded less morbid in my head *glances skyward* Sorry, Mother...)_


----------



## SueC (Mar 26, 2019)

I support any change that makes the mind of the writer more clear to those in the position of judging. This last one (Warden, I want my own cell) really could have used a glimpse at those writerly thoughts - for a couple I can think of. What does it take to make changes to a standard like LM?


----------



## Arachne (Mar 26, 2019)

I think I have also misconstrued the idea of the competitions. I believed, incorrectly it seems, that we had to write clearly to the prompt too. I wish I had known it was not necessary to include it so obviously as it’s a pain. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended at all and I loved the winning story, it was clearly the most well-written, but I wish I had known earlier that the link could be as tenuous. I should have googled about writing prompts or something as I clearly misunderstood. 

Maybe a title which explains the link could be the answer. 

Arachne


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## bdcharles (Mar 26, 2019)

SueC said:


> I support any change that makes the mind of the writer more clear to those in the position of judging. This last one (Warden, I want my own cell) really could have used a glimpse at those writerly thoughts - for a couple I can think of. What does it take to make changes to a standard like LM?





Arachne said:


> I think I have also misconstrued the idea of the competitions. I believed, incorrectly it seems, that we had to write clearly to the prompt too. I wish I had known it was not necessary to include it so obviously as it’s a pain.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended at all and I loved the winning story, it was clearly the most well-written, but I wish I had known earlier that the link could be as tenuous. I should have googled about writing prompts or something as I clearly misunderstood.
> 
> ...



For me, all this is very much down to the discretion of the judges. If the judges see the link, and the prompt, and they like what they see, high score. If they don't, or if they're unconvinced by it, low score. It's a fine balance between generating good writing and being too prescriptive. Also it's always worth looking to see who's judging so you have a chance to write to their style, if you've a mind to.


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## luckyscars (Mar 26, 2019)

SueC said:


> This last one (Warden, I want my own cell) really could have used a glimpse at those writerly thoughts - for a couple I can think of. What does it take to make changes to a standard like LM?



For me, the problem with this is it reduces the incentive for the writer to make the link between the prompt and the story clear within the actual narrative. Worse, it could add an element of essay-writing to scoring - suddenly it doesn't matter how good the story is so long as long as the writer can articulately (or not) explain the link and those that are less good at self-analysis of their work would be at a disadvantage. Not to mention, obviously, that in commercial writing we almost never get to preface our stories to explain what we mean.,,

It's a tough one. I like my work to be understood (doesn't everybody?) and it's obviously disheartening to be told by some my interpretation does not address the prompt and to lose score as a result but...that's life. As I said, if I write something and half the target audience (or in this case at least 1/3 of the judging panel) doesn't think my work adequately linked to the prompt it does not matter if I disagree. I have to own the fact that in terms of clarity of message my work was not as good as it could have been. You can't take the kudos without taking the could-have-done-betters. For what it's worth I had fun!


----------



## SueC (Mar 26, 2019)

Luckyscars, I see your point about the impact of explanation on the writer's incentive to make things clear in the writing and that is very valid. One of the problems I have, though, is that when the prompt is not clear to me as being included and guiding the story, but the story is awesome, I don't know how to score it. I try to crawl into the mind of the author, but sometimes - because of the style of writing I do myself - I am just not skilled enough to figure it out. How about just saying in advance that you, the author, did incorporate the prompt, just so judges know they may have to dig a little deeper. I don't know. I guess I would like to hear from others too on this. Thanks, Luckyscars.


----------



## Arachne (Mar 26, 2019)

SueC said:


> Luckyscars, I see your point about the impact of explanation on the writer's incentive to make things clear in the writing and that is very valid. One of the problems I have, though, is that when the prompt is not clear to me as being included and guiding the story, but the story is awesome, I don't know how to score it. I try to crawl into the mind of the author, but sometimes - because of the style of writing I do myself - I am just not skilled enough to figure it out. How about just saying in advance that you, the author, did incorporate the prompt, just so judges know they may have to dig a little deeper. I don't know. I guess I would like to hear from others too on this. Thanks, Luckyscars.



I think I agree with what bd said, it's up to the individual judge. So if you don't get the link to the prompt then mark it down. That way it's up to the writer to include more clues if they are worried it might not be clear. By the way, I don't think you are lacking skill at all; I couldn't see the link either. 

I can imagine that including a description before the piece could get a bit out of control and take away from the story. 

Also, I said before, the title of the piece does give an opportunity to show the link if it is not clear in the story itself, ie 'unwanted cells', 'my prison inside' or similar for Lucky's story (a bit rubbish but you get my drift!). 

Arachne


----------



## rcallaci (Mar 26, 2019)

bdcharles said:


> For me, all this is very much down to the discretion of the judges. If the judges see the link, and the prompt, and they like what they see, high score. If they don't, or if they're unconvinced by it, low score. It's a fine balance between generating good writing and being too prescriptive. Also it's always worth looking to see who's judging so you have a chance to write to their style, if you've a mind to.



I totality  agree with this perspective--- the prompt should have some connection to the story but that connection can be obscure. The only time I can see points taken off is when the prompt is done as a add on --like my story was- It didn't connect to the story  even in an obscure way but it was a blatant piece of poison fruit


warmest
bob


----------



## rcallaci (Mar 26, 2019)

BTW  luckyscars approach to the prompt was very innovative-- If I was judging I would have added points for how how he used the prompt. It was highly effective.....


----------



## Ibb (Mar 26, 2019)

Congratulations to the winners and a great job to all involved! As always, a much-deserved round of applause for the judgdes and to bdcharles for hosting the event. I sincerely apologize for the tomato thrown during the abridged preamble; the spirit of things and all. Until the next LM!


----------



## Megan Pearson (Mar 27, 2019)

luckyscars said:


> For me, the problem with this is it reduces the incentive for the writer to make the link between the prompt and the story clear within the actual narrative. Worse, it could add an element of essay-writing to scoring - suddenly it doesn't matter how good the story is so long as long as the writer can articulately (or not) explain the link and those that are less good at self-analysis of their work would be at a disadvantage. Not to mention, obviously, that in commercial writing we almost never get to preface our stories to explain what we mean.,,
> 
> It's a tough one. I like my work to be understood (doesn't everybody?) and it's obviously disheartening to be told by some my interpretation does not address the prompt and to lose score as a result but...that's life. As I said, if I write something and half the target audience (or in this case at least 1/3 of the judging panel) doesn't think my work adequately linked to the prompt it does not matter if I disagree. I have to own the fact that in terms of clarity of message my work was not as good as it could have been. You can't take the kudos without taking the could-have-done-betters. For what it's worth I had fun!



I'm with Luckscars on this. A writerly preamble about what one was thinking is tempting, but totally unnecessary. A work of fiction should stand on its own. If your reader doesn't connect with what you've written, then either it was poorly written or that reader isn't your intended audience. 

As I'm relatively new, I have no basis from which to determine what the judging audience might prefer & what they might not. I also don't have the time to spend reading up on individual judging preferences. While it is disheartening to find that one's submission hasn't resonated well, I do appreciate the perspective it adds. Besides, who's to say that someone's writing just won't surprise a judge? 

About tying the prompt in with the story, when I tried judging last month I really enjoyed seeing how many different turns and takes on the prompt we could come up with. Because of this, I'm all for an indirect link. While I don't think the prompt should have to be stated outright, I do agree with Arachne that the title provides a great place to further frame the piece to the LM challenge without having to go to great lengths to justify why the link to the prompt is not tight in the story.

By the way, I thought your linking the LM to cancer was genius. Good job.


----------



## Terry D (Mar 27, 2019)

I always look at the LM as if I am submitting a story to a magazine, or anthology with a theme. I make sure there is some linkage to the prompt, but it might be quite vague. As a judge, if the link between the story and the prompt isn't immediately obvious I'll go back and look for it. I know I've taken points off a score for not having any relationship to the prompt, but that has only happened once, or twice.

Once or twice I've had scores for my stories docked because the judge didn't 'get' the link, but I figure that's on me as a writer.


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## -xXx- (Mar 27, 2019)

Terry D said:


> ... but I figure that's on me as a _writer_.


_
*agrees*
*loooooosely uses term.self*
*practices*
*embraces personal challenge*
*not competition*_


----------



## Megan Pearson (Mar 30, 2019)

Hey, an idea. What if we identified the genre of the piece and include it with the word count? Ex.: _(640 words, Horror)_

Maybe that would help orient the reader before reading, perhaps making it easier for the reader to connect with the story? It might make the prompt more evident, even when not directly stated. I know there've been a few stories I've read previously here that I had to read again, simply for the reason I misjudged from the opening sentence what the piece would be about.  

Besides, we generally expect to know the genre of a piece before reading anyway. Why should the competition be different?


----------



## SueC (Mar 30, 2019)

Megan, I like that idea a lot. The creativity is really exploding here and it would also be helpful for the judges, too. While there may sometimes be difficulty in identifying a genre, something along those lines would be very helpful. Good job you!


----------



## -xXx- (Mar 30, 2019)

Megan Pearson said:


> Hey, an idea. What if we identified the genre of the piece and include it with the word count? Ex.: _(640 words, Horror)_
> 
> Maybe that would help orient the reader before reading, perhaps making it easier for the reader to connect with the story? It might make the prompt more evident, even when not directly stated. I know there've been a few stories I've read previously here that I had to read again, simply for the reason I misjudged from the opening sentence what the piece would be about.
> 
> Besides, we generally expect to know the genre of a piece before reading anyway. Why should the competition be different?





SueC said:


> Megan, I like that idea a lot. The creativity is really exploding here and it would also be helpful for the judges, too. While there may sometimes be difficulty in identifying a genre, something along those lines would be very helpful. Good job you!



i enjoy the diversity of stories and storytelling styles associated with this challenge.
i also see it as a personal writing challenge as opposed to a competion with other writers
overseen by judges simulating conventional submissions processes.
judging is really challenging.
i want this to be a fun experience and writer feedback opportunity.
having started there,
i like the solution orientation megan brings.
there are several threads discussing aspects of genre and changes to genre.
i like the limited keyword approach extending title and word count.
perhaps title, word count, genre goal, direct/indirect/literal/symbolic(abstract) incorporation of prompt
would assist a judge.

*if i were to submit -schubert sherbet- 475wd, slipstream, symbolic
would that have provided a more comfortable context for the judges?*

one may assume that _toward traditional publishing _pathways 
is not my development path/goal.
i am committed to modifying toward better readership experience.
i never want a reader to frame _incomprehensible_ as their shortcoming,
that's on me as a writer.
as bazz said,
if not committed as a judge,
he'd not have pushed through <my submission>.
sometimes, *that* should be feedback to me.


----------



## Ibb (Mar 30, 2019)

While I don't think it's fair to place the entirety of the burden upon the writer--I have read wonderful stories only to balk at their received reviews; sometimes, it's the reader who isn't up to snuff, despite this being an uncomfortable truth many are poo-pooed from ever expressing--I think an identification system prior to the beginning of one's story would streamline the entire process and rid away a lot of confusion, making the LMs more enjoyable for everybody involved. Judging isn't an easy task, either, and can be an exceptionally boring one if you're spending time not only reviewing a piece, but scratching your noggin trying to figure out just what the hell the writer is/was getting at. We have a word count of 650 for the stories. What if we allowed, say, a 25 word count genre introduction? Or writer's notice at the end? Example A might look as follows:

*[Title] 

"Introduction" (<--the 25-word counter): Horror. Adult themes. Experimental. Unreliable narrator."

[Body of text then follows.]
*
But seeing as this ruins the potential of a well-devised surprise, Example B might be more appealing by allowing the writer one last chance to sink in their teeth:

*[Title]

[Body of text]

"Author's Note." [<-- 25 words or less, ye voluble cretins (own self included)]. I intended a horror piece with this one, and tried to use this month's theme in the symoblic importance of the character's bodacious booty."


*Or something along those lines. My two pennies. Using emojis in either your introduction or addendum docks you an immediate two points and activates latent GPS systems that I might drive by your house and throw tomatoes at your window.


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## epimetheus (Mar 30, 2019)

Having to explain the meaning of a joke is its death knell. If every comedian were allowed to briefly explain a joke, they would never have to work on making the meaning clear in the delivery to as many people as possible (or a few like minded people, if that is their intention). I


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## SueC (Mar 30, 2019)

Grrrr. I had a great answer Ibb, then my puter locked up and it was gone. I'll try again.

Basically, I said that when I review general fiction or a workshop entry, I really appreciate some words prior to reading the story. Was this your first try? Is this it, or is it part of a bigger project? What did you have in mind? Things like that are so helpful.

As someone who has judged, and especially recently, I would have loved a word or two from the entrants to know what they were thinking of. For myself, I am trying to be a little edgier in my writing and don't always know if I hit the mark, so to have the opportunity to say that up front might be helpful to everyone who reads it, judges or critiques included.

Here your example, in my mind - LOL!

*[Title] . . . Prompt - Wonder Woman Returns (not a real prompt)

[Body of text]

"Author's Note."  **My main character is a guy, but don't be fooled! The prompt is there, I promise. Think Allegory or Metaphor. It's your job to find it now 

*


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## Ibb (Mar 30, 2019)

Right! If the Powers That Be don't mind it, I don't see how a concluding author statement would hurt. It would of course be optional and not something of which everybody needs to partake. Personally? I wouldn't do it. I agree with epimetheus in that respect; but given that the standard LM is a vehicle to improve one's craft, and not an arena in which it's literary life or death, I think it could be a helpful tool for those writers who are trying to improve, hoping to land the mark, and twiddling their thumbs while waiting for scores to arrive. If presented the option to describe at end the object of their writing, the judges would thus be better equipped to identify the needs of the writer and provide complimentary feedback. But then it comes back down to how the community perceives the LM overall. I view this as competition and enjoy duking it out. A concluding author statement could be seen as undue additional commentary providing an unfair advantage. So. Blah. Who knows. I'll continue to scribble my own entries and watch from the background.


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## luckyscars (Mar 30, 2019)

Ibb said:


> We have a word count of 650 for the stories. What if we allowed, say, a 25 word count genre introduction? Or writer's notice at the end?



Because both of those things are extraneous to the story (if they are not extraneous to the story they should be included in the word count of the story and contextualized as part of the story) and it is entirely unfair for a _story-writing_ contest to be influenced by factors that are not within The Story. 

It's unfair because then it becomes not a matter of how well something is _written_ but how well something is _explained_. It does not always follow that a story that can be easily prefaced is better than one that is a real struggle. 

For example, if I wrote a story inspired by something that was incredibly personal to me - say a relative dying. It might be very difficult, impossible even, for me to explain what the story means in any way that makes sense. I may well not even know. It could still be a _great story_. On the other hand I could write a story that is incredibly basic, rather uninspired even, but as long as it 'checks the boxes' suddenly I am achieving an advantage that I don't necessarily deserve over work that is _better_.

Explaining a story is not our business as writers, that's the business of critics and literary theorists. All kinds of garbage in the world can be made to seem meaningful if the creator is given the soapbox on which to stand. But that defeats the purpose entirely.

LM may be there to improve craft rather than 'life and death' but it is nonetheless supposed to be challenging and reflect 'real writing' in some way. I'd argue that allowing writers, novice or not, to include something they would not be able to include in 'the real world' isn't helpful.


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## SueC (Mar 30, 2019)

I understand what you are saying, LS. If we were to employ judges who had a wealth of experience in all manner of writing, I would say you are absolutely correct . . . "allowing writers, novice or not, to include something they would not be able to include in 'the real world' isn't helpful."

But we are not using such judges. We are using writers who may or may not be confined to a certain style, who may or may not have any experience in understanding a style of writing that is unfamiliar to that which they use themselves. Having said that, I would support any useful tool available to help a reader understand such particular writing styles  -  Because our judges do not have a laundry list of experiences or encounters in alternative writing styles that they have been involved in judging. We are just regular folks who love the written word, and try our best to find the secrets hidden in the prose of others.

It seems every month, there is always a little bit of a challenge to get judges. Maybe it's just my perception, but if that is the case, I think this would be a helpful tool to encourage more novice writers to fill the judging spots.


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## Megan Pearson (Mar 30, 2019)

Ibb said:


> While I don't think it's fair to place the entirety of the burden upon the writer-*-I have read wonderful stories only to balk at their received reviews*; sometimes, it's the reader who isn't up to snuff, despite this being an uncomfortable truth many are poo-pooed from ever expressing--I think an identification system prior to the beginning of one's story would streamline the entire process and rid away a lot of confusion, making the LMs more enjoyable for everybody involved.



Me too... there are some really good stories here and I think we owe it to our fellow participants to provide the best reviews we can.

Here is something I have been thinking about but really didn't think I would have an opportunity to share for quite some time (seeing as I'm new and have only participated in the LM challenges twice and as a judge once). But perhaps now is a good time to mention it?

As a Toastmasters member, I had to learn how to give good, critical feedback to our speakers that was *structure oriented* *rather than content driven*. In this I learned how to listen better, and give positive criticism, to some rather poor speeches. What I found as we focused the speech's structure was that, on whatever the topic of the speech, the speakers _always_ improved. It also taught me to respect a speech despite my opinions about the speech. So, this is some of the thought behind what I'd like to bring to table here. 

Here are our current judging guidelines (abbreviated) for comparison:
*1. Spelling and Grammar (SPaG): Based on a scale **from** 1 - 5*
Unformatted / Illegible / Consistent errors / minor errors / Grammatically flawless 
*
2. Tone and Voice: Based on a scale of 1 - 5*
No style / uninteresting tone / inconsistent tone / Strong tone / Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

*3. Effect: Based on a scale of 1 - 10*
You to decide: How did the story touch you? Consider the theme connection. Provide a brief review of the story as well. See previous score threads for examples of this. Understand this competition is about fun, so have a good time with it.

Okay, so here are my thoughts. Beginning with *SPaG* & *T&V*. If SPaG is consistent, it more or less results in a consistent T&V. T&V is further influenced by word choice, pov, repetition, etc. So while SPaG focuses on the mechanical, T&V is getting more into craft & use. As such, I've noticed in the judging feedback that SPaG & T&V tend to result in fairly consistent scores across the board. This leads me to believe these are fairly unbiased categories.

However, we all have our opinions, and this really shows up under *Effect*. I propose splitting Effect into two categories. Here's my reasoning:

*3A. Effect (evaluation):* 1-5 Consider the theme connection. Provide a brief review of the story as well. 
This asks the judge to write a synopsis in his own words about what's written on the page. Sure, there is some interpretive subjectivity here, but it's limited. I propose also thinking of this as, 'what is the effect of all of the elements--SPaG, T&V--working together in concert? Is it harmonious? Or, does the conclusion not follow?' It's a question of evaluating the story's internal consistency. And I think this is already the case here; I'm just separating the scoring schema on structure from the reactive element so that the reader (& writer) may get better picture of how well all the pieces fit together as a whole. 

*3B. Effect (reaction): **1-5 * How did the story touch you? Understand this competition is about fun, so have a good time with it.
To me, this should be the only purely reactive element, where we share how it moved us and what our opinion was of the piece.


I think that by splitting the *Effect* into two subcategories we can give better, positive criticism/feedback that focuses a bit more strongly on how well the piece stands on its own merits than on the judges' preferences. Also, limiting the judges' purely subjective responses to its own category, I think it helps _unmuddy_ the waters for both writer and judge in what the judge really thought about the piece. It adds clarity.

By the way, we also used *The **Sandwhich** Method for Critique:* Say something good, say something critical/helpful, say something good. 
It shows respect for our fellow peers as we learn through this together and is helpful to the person receiving the critique.

Maybe some of these thoughts will be helpful to consider even if they are not formally adopted by the LM Challenge.


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