# Arise my love



## Firemajic (May 22, 2011)

I am terrified to expose my self-but dont be gentle-I joined this forum to learn...


       "Arise my love"
   Arise my love and walk with me,down through memory lane,
we'll talk of joy and sorrow,the laughter and the pain.
       I know you dont love me and that you are going away,
I promise not to plead or cry and beg you to stay.
        I'll pretend that for today your love belongs to me,
let's pretend you want to stay-that you'r not longing to be free.
         Arise my love and talk to me and tell me what to do,
please tell me how to go on my love-now that i've lost you.
          Arise my love and kiss my lips,whisper in my ear,tell my wildly beating heart it has nothing now to fear.
           Arise my love-oh wait! You have already gone-the light in the window heralds the coming dawn.
            Arise? I cannot! They say I have been here for years,waiting for you to return to me and dry my foolish tears....


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## WCB (May 22, 2011)

I would consider this a 'classic' love song/poem. Good work, I wouldn't mind reading more.  I myself am going through some of my old notebooks and finding things I was hesitant to show others and now realize it is worth at least getting out there.  So keep it up, it can only get better.


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## Firemajic (May 22, 2011)

Thank you for your comments..this was the first poem that won a writing contest...but for me-I think some lines have words that could be edited out to better serve the content and have a better flow...any ideas? Thanks again for your words of encouragement--as I said before-I am here to learn!


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## WCB (May 22, 2011)

I'm a storyteller at heart and your poem seems to spell a story in the vein of resurrecting an old love..and i mean in the 'Frankenstein' sense.  There is a sense of beautiful horror to your words.  Maybe for an idea to improve make it feel like you are Arising your love..maybe start with ARISE, ARISE, My love, and instead of 'I know you don't love me, Maybe "I know you did love me"; just an idea..make it feel like a story. That is what I try to do with my poetry.  Some things are better obscure but sometimes to drive the point home you should cloak it in your own world.


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## Firemajic (May 22, 2011)

point well taken! thanks.


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## toddm (May 23, 2011)

This started out fairly standard and breezy, only to end with the last three lines full of fervour and passion - those last lines are more unique and exciting - maybe bring some of that fire to the opening lines.

One thing I learned about effective writing is to avoid cliche's at all costs (except when used for effect, or sarcastically, which is another matter) - such phrases as "memory lane", "how to go on", and "foolish tears" can peg a piece as decidedly ordinary, but these are easily remedied by coming up with a unique way of saying the same thing. Even "arise my love" stands out to me as a cliche', only because it is the title and chorus of a song from some years back, was over-used by some churches every Easter - different meaning used here, but I couldn't help but hear that song in the background: "Arise, my love...Arise, my love..."

Some other observations:



Firemajic said:


> I am terrified to expose my self-but dont be gentle-I joined this forum to learn... what a refreshing attitude - thanks for sharing - I will be honest, and kind
> 
> "Arise my love"
> Arise my love and walk with me,down through memory lane, "through" seems an unnecessary word, added only for an extra beat - are you walking "down" or "through"? one or the other, not both
> ...


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## Firemajic (May 23, 2011)

Todd-thank you for giving me what I was hoping for.Just a quick explanation-I am not debating your observations-She knows he's leaving because she is remembering something that happened years ago..that is why she is going down memory lane-reliving her broken heart night after night-"They say I have been here for years,waiting for you to return to me and dry my foolish tears.In my mind reliving that -night after night-drove her to madness...
And yes-you busted me! Guilty! I did arrange some lines to serve the flow--not the content.I will make notes of your notes and try to rise above the cliche's..Thank you again-


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## moonrise (Jun 9, 2011)

Great piece and I think Todd is a mighty helpful critique


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## Firemajic (Jun 11, 2011)

Moomrise-Thank you for taking the time to read this Poem and I thank you for your compliment.Todd's critique was spot on and though I did not make any changes to this poem-I have however approached my writing a lot differently now-checking and double checking to weed out those cliches and to find new ways to say what I want to say-this is an on going learning process and I am a willing student. Thanks again-peace-Jul


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## Chesters Daughter (Jun 19, 2011)

My apologies, Jul, hon, I don't know how I missed this. Okay, it is a love poem and you know I don't like them, but like Trides' piece, I like this one. I simply adore your ending. I was wondering if you would allow me to break it for you. I don't want to unless it's okay with you, and I'll probably remove some of the punctuation, but I'll leave your words intact. Let me know, doll, and really, that ending is superb.

Best,
Lisa


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## Firemajic (Jun 20, 2011)

Lisa-I would be Honored BEYOND words....Thank you!


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## JosephB (Jun 20, 2011)

Here's a technical point. I'm a huge fan of em dashes, especially in my prose. I order them in large quantities and use them liberally. But to separate parenthetical phrases, you really need to use real em dashes, not an en dash or hyphen. You could simulate it it here with two hyphens, or if you write in Word, you can use the key command CTRL + Alt + hyphen on the number pad. The dash as you're using it typically makes a compound adjective or adverb. For instance, soft-hearted.


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## Chesters Daughter (Jun 22, 2011)

Jul, love, here are my humble suggestions. I've fiddled a bit to smooth out the bumps. If you hate it, just ignore me. 


Arise my love and walk with me
down through memory lane,
we'll talk of joy and sorrow,
the laughter and the pain.
I know you dont love me (do not)
and that you are going away, (you're)
I promise not to plead or cry 
and beg you to stay. (beg for)

I'll pretend that for today (I will pretend for today)
your love belongs to me,
let's pretend you want to stay
that you're not longing to be free. (and aren't longing to be free)

Arise my love and talk to me 
and tell me what to do,
please tell me how to go on (please tell me how I can go on)
my love, now that i've lost you (knowing that I've lost you)
.
Arise my love and kiss my lips
whisper in my ear,
tell my wildly beating heart 
it has nothing now to fear.

Arise my love, oh wait! 
You have already gone
the light in the window 
heralds the coming dawn.

Arise? I cannot! 
They say I have been here for years
waiting for you to return to me 
and dry my foolish tears...​


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## Firemajic (Jun 22, 2011)

JosephB--Thank you for the info--I will try to be more careful.
Lisa-I am speechless--I love --absolutely love the way you formatted my poem! And the changes you suggested--I want to keep. I wish there was a way to copy that--with your changes--to my original post...Thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to do this. I am having problems trying to post my 2nd  Dragon poem--every time I get it all typed in stanzas--then post it-it appears in a paragraph--not the way  I type it...do you know what I am doing wrong? Thank you for your constant encouragement and interest in my work.---peace--Jul


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## Gumby (Jun 22, 2011)

I too like the breaks that Lisa has put into this poem, Jul. You can certainly copy and paste the poem into your original post if you wish. Simply hit the 'edit post' button, paste the new version in, then delete the original out of the post before you hit the 'save' button on your edit.

As to your Dragon poem problem, try hitting the 'go advanced' option, then straighten out all the formatting how you want it to be. Then hit the 'preview post' button to see if it's how you wanted it to be. You can continue to hit the preview post button after your changes each time to see if it's the way you want. When you are perfectly satisfied, then you would hit the post button. Hope this helps some.


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## Firemajic (Jun 24, 2011)

Gumby--that really sounds confusing--I am afraid I will loose the whole thing and I really hate to type...Thanks for your suggestions,   Peace--Jul


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## candid petunia (Jun 25, 2011)

Liked the poem, very poignant. 
And you wouldn't lose your work if you're editing, you can notice the editor auto-saves from time-to-time. It's nothing really, just click "Go Advanced" when you want to edit, and hit the preview post button to preview your edited work before posting.


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## Firemajic (Jul 2, 2011)

Candid Petunia--Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this poem,I truly appreciate it.  I will try your suggestion when I am feeling brave.   Peace--Jul


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## Prof (Jul 2, 2011)

I came late to the party and all the good advice has already  been given.  Lisa's rewrite rocks.  Listen to the critics and work on it. _It will improve from good to great.

Prof_


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## Firemajic (Jul 3, 2011)

Prof--Thank you for reading and for your kind compliments .  I am taking in all I have learned here ,and am working on this Poem---I am just doing it the "old fashioned" way--with pen and paper.When I am satisfied --I will post it.Thank you again for your thoughts. I really do value all of the critiques as I want only to improve.  Peace--Jul


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