# contents of a cardboard box



## toddm (Feb 3, 2012)

a rusty nail, a broken bell
a little rubber Orca whale
tangled strings, cicada wings
two hot-pink plastic rings
a rubber band, shells and sand 
a lead soldier with a missing hand
acorn caps, a pouch that snaps
a Disneyland brochure with maps
a jaybird feather, a strip of leather
two broken stones that fit together
Cootie lips, big paper clips
some stale Ruffles potato chips
a bouncy ball, a tiny doll 
three old keys and that's about all


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## Jon M (Feb 3, 2012)

Enjoyed the rather mundane, but vivid, quality of this. Good sounds, even in the title, and some very interesting images ("a lead soldier with a missing hand"). However, I feel it lacks something -- a theme, an emotional punch, etc. It doesn't appear to speak to anything larger. Doesn't _have to_, of course, but I think the poem would be much, much stronger if it eventually went beyond just a list of "things." What is behind this situation -- why are there things in the cardboard box in the first place? Is there some sort of domestic situation going on, is a marriage falling apart, is someone moving out?

Love this line: "two broken stones that (still) fit together", though I'd like to see the word "still" put in there. Line has the potential to be hugely symbolic, and maybe it is meant to be, but I'm not getting that impression at the moment. Also, I think the line would be more effective if placed closer to the end, instead of tucked in the middle of the poem. 

The only other thing that bothered me about the poem is the neat and tidy little end-rhyme scheme you've got going. Gives the piece a bouncy, jolly feel, but I'm not sure that is appropriate here.


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## writingismylife<3 (Feb 3, 2012)

Nice work! I admire how you are able to rhyme completely random words, some of which have little to nothing to do with each other and would by no means pop into my head, i found this a job well done. It reminds me of something I would read out of those big, encyclopedia size poem books that everyone adored so much in my elementary years.


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## toddm (Feb 4, 2012)

johnM said:


> Enjoyed the rather mundane, but vivid, quality of this. Good sounds, even in the title, and some very interesting images ("a lead soldier with a missing hand"). However, I feel it lacks something -- a theme, an emotional punch, etc. It doesn't appear to speak to anything larger. Doesn't _have to_, of course, but I think the poem would be much, much stronger if it eventually went beyond just a list of "things." What is behind this situation -- why are there things in the cardboard box in the first place? Is there some sort of domestic situation going on, is a marriage falling apart, is someone moving out?




I like that you are thinking along these lines, although, honestly, I didn't write this with any kind of intent in mind, except perhaps subconsiously - there were other "things" I considered including, but rejected for one reason or another, and chose certain ones - maybe my subconcious had a purpose - I did have an intentional "feel" I wanted to convey: the assemblance of various items that each had a life-story that ended with them in the box - influencing this as well are the boxes my young children collect things in, and also those "I Spy" books where the author sets up various random little objects, on a shelf for instance - some of the photos are quite charming just to look at in themselves, odds and ends assebled together

Like you said, a piece doesn't have to have an overt "meaning" other than being charming, or tickling to the imagination in someway

also, I liked playing around with the rhythm and rhyming in this piece - it was fun to write




> Love this line: "two broken stones that (still) fit together", though I'd like to see the word "still" put in there. Line has the potential to be hugely symbolic, and maybe it is meant to be, but I'm not getting that impression at the moment.





> Also, I think the line would be more effective if placed closer to the end, instead of tucked in the middle of the poem.



Thanks for the thought, it's a good one - however, it would throw off the rhythm to my ear, for one thing - and "still" to me would be an unnecessary word since two halves of a stone that is broken _always _fit back together, being solid and all - I do see, though, where you are going with "still" as a metaphor for some broken relationship that can still be fixed, but like I said, I didn't have that in mind, and frankly if I did, it would border on a sentimentality I try to avoid in my writing, if I can : )



> The only other thing that bothered me about the poem is the neat and tidy little end-rhyme scheme you've got going. Gives the piece a bouncy, jolly feel, but I'm not sure that is appropriate here.



It was meant to be a sort of playful on one hand, and nostalgic melancholy on the other -also, I've been listening to some old Tin Pan Alley/Vaudeville type songs, and have been intrigued with their very witty rhyming lyrics - so that might explain the rhymes and tone

thanks for your thoughts!

also, thanks writingismylife - I remember those old books too - and I appreciate the compliments

---todd


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## IanMGSmith (Feb 6, 2012)

Hi Todd,

Delightful read.

Cleverly constructed words take on beauty all of their own and the reader is inspired to add his or her own feelings.

"Contents of a Cardboard Box" leaves the reader with a sense of peace and for the more imaginative, a completely recognisable and unattached prop.

Well done.

Figuring "Structured Verse" is where I should be posting my own poetry, if/when I write again. 

Ian


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## toddm (Feb 6, 2012)

thanks Ian, I did intend on leaving the reader room to imagine and "fill in the gaps" - in some ways this sort of piece is the equivalent to a painted "still life"

---todd


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## JRBurgher (Feb 18, 2012)

I can see where it could benefit from expansion, like finding the rock by the lake one summer, or the rubber band coming from a rolled up newspaper found in a ditch.  I think it leaves our curiosity wanting more.

However, judging it as the playful poem it is, it is a fun read.  It is shallow, but sometimes too much depth bogs us down.  I like the presentation.

JRB


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## Potty (Feb 18, 2012)

I can't find anything to critique! I loved this! thanks for sharing.


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## FrameOfDust (Feb 18, 2012)

This is an enjoyable little piece, and one that stirs up memories in the reader. A fun read, thanks!


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## Chesters Daughter (Feb 18, 2012)

Who'da thunk such a collection of objects would make such a great piece. You, and only you, lol. I had a great time imagining the importance of those items to their owner, and agree with Frame regarding the memory stirring. It's amazing what we keep for our own personal reasons. I also love that the rhyming is so natural. Another winner, I think the shade of my name has just turned just a tad greener because of you, Todd. lol. Kudos.


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## toddm (Feb 20, 2012)

thanks Potty, Frame and Lisa - I'm glad you enjoyed it

Lisa, that you found the rhyming so natural is a fantastic compliment, it's what I strive for - with varying degrees of success - this particular one does feel very tight

thanks!
---todd


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## Gumby (Feb 20, 2012)

I feel as if I've truly been looking into that box.  Great rhythm.


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## Firemajic (Feb 24, 2012)

This is enchanting! I had one of those boxes as a child...The box was destroyed--but I still have some of my treasures...I am going to start my Granddaughter one--and she can add to it later. Todd  ,here is where you shine--taking a simple childhood custom and turning it into a delightful stroll down memory lane. And--that you said this poem was--to you a still life painting--wonderful! I do some drawing and painting--this would make a stunning painting, but I am afraid it would not be as magical as your written words... Peace...Jul


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## candid petunia (Feb 25, 2012)

My first impression was that it's a 'treasure box' that children use, a place where they keep important items, and the poet has opened the box after he's grown up... I love the simplicity of it and how it can evoke so many emotions. Like Lisa, I envy you too, the poem's just so innocently beautiful.


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## toddm (Mar 28, 2012)

candid petunia said:


> My first impression was that it's a 'treasure box' that children use, a place where they keep important items, and the poet has opened the box after he's grown up... I love the simplicity of it and how it can evoke so many emotions. Like Lisa, I envy you too, the poem's just so innocently beautiful.



thanks Farah! : )


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## Bloggsworth (Mar 28, 2012)

As list poems go, this is a cracker! A little attention needs to be paid to the rhythm of a few of the lines in order that it can carry itself, though you may well disagree.




a rusty nail, a broken bell
a little rubber Orca whale-------------------------- _Interesting that you rhyme *whale* and *nail* not _bell_._
tangled strings, cicada wings
two hot-pink plastic rings
a rubber band, shells and sand 
a lead soldier with a missing hand---------------- _A leaden soldier with a missing hand_
acorn caps, a pouch that snaps-------------------- _acorn caps, and a pouch that snaps
_a Disneyland brochure with maps---------------- _a Disneyland brochure with all of the maps
_a jaybird feather, a strip of leather--------------- _a jaybird feather, a small strip of leather
_two broken stones that fit together--------------- _and two broken stones that just fit together
_Cootie lips, big paper clips
some stale Ruffles potato chips------------------ _*Ruffles* muddies the middle of the line when you recite it.
_a bouncy ball, a tiny doll 
three old keys and that's about all


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## toddm (Mar 30, 2012)

Firemajic said:


> This is enchanting! I had one of those boxes as a child...The box was destroyed--but I still have some of my treasures...I am going to start my Granddaughter one--and she can add to it later. Todd  ,here is where you shine--taking a simple childhood custom and turning it into a delightful stroll down memory lane. And--that you said this poem was--to you a still life painting--wonderful! I do some drawing and painting--this would make a stunning painting, but I am afraid it would not be as magical as your written words... Peace...Jul



thanks so much, Jul, you are too kind - my kids have such boxes, and drawers, and shelves - the oddest things get thrown together!

Thanks there Bloggsworth, your advice is much appreciated - I will consider what you have suggested

---todd


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## TBK (May 7, 2012)

I love this so much that I'm afraid if I write more than encouragement, I'll start quoting people and defending you against any criticism, at all! And we all know that's not the purpose.

This is amazing. Somebody said that it felt really natural, and it does! I love the approximate rhyme, the actual rhyme, and that you've left the story to the reader--that we get to put ourselves into the art and find ourselves inside it without an overexpression of your own emotion.

This is a really nostalgic piece for me. I especially love the soldier.


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## toddm (May 8, 2012)

thanks TBK, glad you enjoyed it : )
---todd


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## jeffrey c mcmahan (May 11, 2012)

I took an inventory, of the internal rhymes and structure of the end line rhymes, and was pleasantly pleased.

jeffrey


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## toddm (May 12, 2012)

well, pleasantly pleased is the most pleasure one may hope to bestow through the written word - thanks for your comments : )
---todd


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## Deyo (May 15, 2012)

I got the nostalgic feel from your list toddm.   Enjoyed it too.


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## jeffrey c mcmahan (May 15, 2012)

Woo Hoo 456 views! I'll be gratified for you in case you like to practice humility.

regards

jeffrey


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## toddm (May 16, 2012)

thanks Deyo, I'm a bit of a nostalgia junkie myself



jeffrey c mcmahan said:


> Woo Hoo 456 views! I'll be gratified for you in case you like to practice humility.
> 
> regards
> 
> jeffrey



well, Jeffrey, I don't look much at view stats - I do like feedback as much as anyone, and this piece sure received its share - but one is kept humble when other posted pieces drift to the 2nd page with only a handful of views and no comments : ) you never know what will catch on and what won't
take care
---todd


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## D1flyinggoose (May 16, 2012)

*Matter of Factly*

matter of factly reading pace. Goodjob


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## toddm (Jun 24, 2012)

D1flyinggoose said:


> matter of factly reading pace. Goodjob



thanks there, goose : )
---todd


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 9, 2012)

I think the poem is very descriptive. A child could take hours rummaging through a box like that.


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## toddm (Jul 9, 2012)

Misty Mirrors said:


> I think the poem is very descriptive. A child could take hours rummaging through a box like that.



thanks, glad you liked it - my children themselves have boxes like this, with an ever-changing assortment of items

---todd


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