# Nighthawks at the Diner



## Aramis (Oct 5, 2012)

I've got the 3 a.m. shakes and a broken watch
and the Edward Hopper on the wall
screams like an honest mirror.
A neon-light migraine stabs at my eyes
and my cough refuses to leave-
cemented on broken lungs.
The cacophony of silence is shattered
by the scrape of spoon against cup
and I reach for the cigarettes.
I need more coffee
and I need more sugar.
I slouch a little lower in the red plastic seat.
This place needs a piano.
Play it again Sam
Play it again Sam
Play it again...
The waitress looks damaged-
bruised and broken by an army of promises
black lies that floated so easily from myriad mouths.
Lover, lover be my cover 
(you know the usual dishonesty).
Ten years ago she probably had a chance
but didn't we all.

Six nighthawks at the diner
and a wounded waitress for comfort.
Losers, insomniacs, thieves and priests.
The Hopper is a fake of course
but then so are the customers.


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## Jon M (Oct 5, 2012)

Think it would be better minus the second stanza. And I like, Ten years ago she probably had a chance / and didn't we all. Regardless, that is a very resonant ending. Don't hide it with a five line summary.


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## Geri (Oct 5, 2012)

The imagery here is fantastic! I pictured a junky old diner !! ( to be honest!)  I'm not sure if you intended the nostalgic feel throughout this but I certainly felt it! I am sure others, far more experienced than myself, can see what may need tweaking ..but I cannot find a fault with this piece...I loved it. Well done you!


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## Aramis (Oct 6, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to read- it's much appreciated


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## Gumby (Oct 6, 2012)

I would agree with Jon, I think you could lose the last stanza and it would be a much stronger ending.


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## shedpog329 (Oct 6, 2012)

Aramis said:


> I've got the 3 a.m. shakes and a broken watch
> and the Edward Hopper on the wall
> *screams* like an honest mirror.
> A neon-light migraine stabs at my eyes
> ...


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## tinacrabapple (Oct 6, 2012)

I love the griddey nature of the diner scene.  There is no pretense to this and that's what makes it so enjoyable for me.  

You really don't need that last stanza- you already convey your conclusion.  Why be redundant?


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## Vitaly Ana (Oct 6, 2012)

I like the imagery a lot and even the contrast of the dirty-diner scene with the rhythmic "hangover tempo". I agree with Jon M though - get rid of the second stanza. 
Or, take a day and revisit the poem - trying to integrate whatever it is that you want to express from the final stanza - into the already existing first portion (tough task). Good luck!!


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## Chesters Daughter (Oct 10, 2012)

This is excellent, Aramis, and another of yours that I've come back to multiple times. There's an SOC flavor in parts that I find very appealing, and unlike Shedpog, I don't think the progression needs any tweaking at all. I'm a sound junkie, and so many of your lines duly sated my addiction. The only thing that I (and probably only I) paused at was the "and" before "I need more sugar.", for some reason, I prefer reading it without that "and", more direct, perhaps. As for the final stanza, I rather like it, it's not actually redundant in my eyes. Grain of salt here, dear, I'm a sucker for summations and frequently get beaten over the head because I can't resist often unnecessary wrap ups. I hope you'll be sharing more work with us soon.

Best,
Lisa


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## Aramis (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Lisa-glad you didn't jump on the bandwagon of slating the last stanza. I was having second thoughts but tend to agree with you- it stays.


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## Bachelorette (Oct 11, 2012)

This is so Tom Waits, and not just because of the title. And I love Tom Waits, so that's a compliment. 

Hate to say it, but I agree with those who say that "but didn't we all" is a stronger ending. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't keep the last bit in; I just think it could be moved to a different part of the poem. For example:



> I've got the 3 a.m. shakes and a broken watch
> and the Edward Hopper on the wall
> screams like an honest mirror.
> A neon-light migraine stabs at my eyes
> ...




Or something like that. I think it works this way because in the first bit, the speaker is talking about himself, and in the second bit, he is reflecting more on his surroundings. 

Whatever you decide to do, I really, really enjoyed this. Great work.


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## Aramis (Oct 11, 2012)

Great idea- why didn't I think of that- it makes perfect sense. Thank you.
With a mutual love of Mervyn Peake and Tom Waits we should on like a house on fire.


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