# Black



## ned (Mar 8, 2017)

.
*Once again, I find the days
are framed in funeral black.
Mine eyes of grey, cannot convey
the colours that they lack.

So, I cross the breeze 
to the silver trees
that have all 
but lost their sheen.

Too tense to yawn, 
I swallow the dawn
and reflect 
in the still-born stream.

Like a scar, 
I bear your star
now gone supernova.

And the falling rain
won't forget your name,
whispers it over and over.*


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## Firemajic (Mar 8, 2017)

Sooooo melancholy... but lovely still...you set the mood to perfection with elegant dark imagery, and the last 3 lines... killer... rhythm and rhyme... sooooo sublime, not a single nit to pick and believe me... I tried..


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## Firemajic (Mar 8, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> *Once again, I find the days
> are framed in funeral black.
> Mine eyes of grey, cannot convey
> ...


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## ned (Mar 8, 2017)

hello - thank you for reading and commenting Fire -

yes - those three lines are a deliberate slant to reflect the self-reflection (if that makes any sense!)

but, if it's too much of a leap, I'll try to figure a way to express more consistant imagery...

cheers........Ned


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## shedpog329 (Mar 8, 2017)

dont change a thing this was great writing, i love those lines too.  did you lose a child?


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## shedpog329 (Mar 8, 2017)

ps this is my favorite poem of yours thus far


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## ned (Mar 8, 2017)

thank you for the encouragement Shed - 

and you should know by now, I don't do confessionals...

cheers......Ned


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## Raevenlord (Mar 9, 2017)

I really loved this one, Ned. Truly. I have to agree with shep and say that this is my favorite poem of yours.

One slight quibble - I don't like 'too tense to yawn'. Maybe there is something I'm missing, but can't you find another piece of imagery? For me it just seems too casual an image to fit the theme... Other than that, I love it.

Thanks for sharing, Ned


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## -xXx- (Mar 9, 2017)

> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ned again.


i strongly disapprove of this feature.
it is akin to telling someone how much happiness they are permitted.
*f o r e v e r*
**


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## ned (Mar 9, 2017)

thank you  Raeven, for reading and commenting - 
and yes, I see what you mean by the rather glib line - even more thought required...

Xxx - appreciate your concern - but my poem's thread is not the place - 
go on, give us an opinion of the poem - you can do it!

Ned


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## Bard_Daniel (Mar 9, 2017)

Hey ned, you nailed it again. Great lines that interweave stunning imagery and emotion all together.

A DAMN fine job here. Thanks for the great read! : D


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## ArtBlinked (Mar 9, 2017)

Reading it the first time it seemed sad but pretty. Reading it again and my mind goes to a mother who lost her child in childbirth... it's still sad. 

But very pretty writing. First stanza points to death. Second I don't quite know. Third is the child lost, fourth seems to express the mother, fifth is remembering the child lost.


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## mark_schaeffer (Mar 10, 2017)

*Once again, I find the days
are framed in  black.
Grey eyes can't convey
the colours they lack.

So, I cross the breeze 
to the silver trees
that have all 
but lost their sheen.

[Too tense to yawn,]
I follow the dawn
that reflects
the still-born stream.

Like a scar, 
I bear your star -
And the April rain
won't forget your name.



*
less enthusiastic than others, I don't hear so many rhymes in a world that routinely accommodates Syria, Eqypt, Israeli settlements and Trump 
I wonder what story a less self-certain verse structure might tell

:nevreness: :nevreness: :shame:


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## -xXx- (Mar 11, 2017)

_*virtual reputation button*_

"
*And the falling rain
won't forget your name,
whispers it over and over.
*"


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## sas (Mar 11, 2017)

Very nicely done, Ned. 
My only intrusion would be to consider eliminating the first word. I think it unneeded & weakens. Beginning with "Once" always reminds me of a fairy tale. "Again" is stronger without it. 

*(Once) Again, I find the days

*Hope helpful. sas


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## ned (Mar 13, 2017)

hello Sas - thank you for reading and commenting -

but a moot point made, based on personal perception I'd say - and all rather academic...
the expression 'once again' is actually needed, and strengthens the opening -

needed  - because it gives cadance to the opening lines - nothing jars.
strengthens - because of the term's forboding connotations (in my world) - setting the mood.

appreciate the encouragement
Ned


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## ned (Mar 13, 2017)

hello Mark - thank you for taking the trouble of rewriting my poem - without proper explanation.

have to say, that it's not very good - far too jerky and fast-paced to maintain the cadance and mood
 - and without the room to breathe, rather garbled regarding the various concepts - 
ie reflect - think about what or whom reflects?

it's a pity you have such a one-dimensional view of rhymes (only for happy stuff?)
- used correctly, rhymes can give extra impact to emotional issues such as sadness and loss.

I'm more interested if my poetry works or not on that level -
Ned

PS - a self-certain verse structure? - a new genre?


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## nelen (Mar 18, 2017)

"Once again I find the days are framed in black"  I love that Ned. It's a line I will remember and use. That is a sign of really good poetry .It is rare. Well done.


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## JacksonPoland (Mar 18, 2017)

I really enjoyed this poem. I was able to "feel" it and it made me think of my father. I lost him to cancer about three years ago. I really don't have much critique because I enjoyed it as is, but if there's one thing I'd personally change, it's the ending of the fourth stanza. I like the direction it takes with "like a scar, I bear your star..." but for some reason, "now gone supernova" just didn't sound right to me as I reread it to myself. But, that's just my two cents. Very good writing, though. I look forward to reading more of your work. 

-Joey


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## dannyboy (Mar 19, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> *
> Mine eyes of grey, cannot convey
> the colours that they lack.
> ...




so these lines grate on me. The first mine eyes and then the comma, sorry just drags me straight out of the poem and then two tense to yawn made me almost decide not to complete the read - both those lines make me too aware of the poet trying to construct the lines, the flow, the rhyme, etc.

I enjoyed the rest of the poem, thanks for the read.


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