# Falling in love



## Lyra Laurant (Aug 9, 2014)

What goes through your head/heart when you fall (or used to fall) in love?
I just thought that sharing some experiences could be enriching for our writings.

As for me (I'm a female, and heterosexual, as far as I know), I panic when I fall in love. Actually, it takes me some time before I realize my own feelings, and, once I realize them, my reaction is trying to deny it with all my strenght. Yeah, I'm bad at being too close to other people, and such strong feelings always scare me. So, I may start acting strange with the guy I'm in love, even treating him badly. Tsundere, yeah, I know :nightmare:
What happens next depends a lot of each situation (last time, he was interested in me too, so things were easy to solve), but that is my usual pattern.


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## Nickleby (Aug 9, 2014)

There are a lot of pitfalls in love, which makes it a great topic for fiction. You've got to lower your guard, become vulnerable. You've got to be honest about your feelings, with yourself and the other person. You've got to make some compromises, do things you wouldn't normally do and avoid others you would. You've got to avoid jealousy, possessiveness, impatience, boredom. One wrong move, especially in the early stages, and it can all evaporate.

In my case, I was a wallflower. I imagined all the ways a girl could hurt me before I ever talked to her. I sweated and stuttered and usually lost my nerve.


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## escorial (Aug 9, 2014)

iv'e been trying to answer this truthfully but i'm not sure if i can be honest with myself....has life soured my love life,was i ever in love...i don't know.


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## dither (Aug 10, 2014)

escorial said:


> iv'e been trying to answer this truthfully but i'm not sure if i can be honest with myself....has life soured my love life,was i ever in love...i don't know.



I didn't like to say but i have similar thoughts.

And I, REALLY, am not sure where i am on this.

Having said that, i'm old.


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## dither (Aug 10, 2014)

Lyra Laurant said:


> What goes through your head/heart when you fall (or used to fall) in love?
> I just thought that sharing some experiences could be enriching for our writings.
> 
> As for me (I'm a female, and heterosexual, as far as I know), I panic when I fall in love. Actually, it takes me some time before I realize my own feelings, and, once I realize them, my reaction is trying to deny it with all my strenght. Yeah, I'm bad at being too close to other people, and such strong feelings always scare me. So, I may start acting strange with the guy I'm in love, even treating him badly. Tsundere, yeah, I know :nightmare:
> What happens next depends a lot of each situation (last time, he was interested in me too, so things were easy to solve), but that is my usual pattern.



Lyra, i totally agree with the first two lines, it's all food for thought isn't it? And it's life.

As for the stuff about you, well, i was i'm pretty much the same, the only difference being that i'm male.
When i was younger, if i ever saw a someone that i fancied, 
i was always okay with the intro-bit, getting talking, y'know?
Then, if/when it seemed as though she was responding, especially if she seemed interested, i'd run away and make sure i never set eyes on her again.
I just didn't know how to deal with the situation.
I got over it, eventually, and moved on.
I can recall times when i had been chatting with young woman in a pub, excused myself to go to the toilet , and never returned.


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## JimJanuary (Aug 10, 2014)

Definitely feel vulnerable when I recognise it happening. Usually after I recognise this feeling I find it a lot harder to act around the person I love, like I fear I'm going to screw it all up


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## dither (Aug 10, 2014)

JimJanuary said:


> Definitely feel vulnerable when I recognise it happening. Usually after I recognise this feeling I find it a lot harder to act around the person I love, like I fear I'm going to screw it all up



Yep, i'm sure that many of us know THAT feeling.


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## Lyra Laurant (Aug 11, 2014)

JimJanuary said:


> Definitely feel vulnerable when I recognise it happening. Usually after I recognise this feeling I find it a lot harder to act around the person I love, like I fear I'm going to screw it all up



Yeah, I think vulnerability is a good key word 
But now I wonder if the reason for that feeling is different for each person. Maybe the fact that love pushes us out of our confort zone? Maybe the multiple possibilities that suddenly appear before our eyes (and, in many of them, we end up hurt)?


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## sailorguitar (Aug 13, 2014)

I agree with vulnerable.  Self-conscious, nervous.  Excited....  When it's all new love I want to be the best I can towards the other person and for the other person.  It kind of screws me up, it's also been a while since I've felt that way.


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## Ditch (Aug 13, 2014)

I find that you have very little control over this. You just know immediately if you want to be with this person a lot. Unfortunately, at times, you find it was an infatuation and not true love as times passes and you are able to see that other person as the person that they really are, not the one you want them to be.


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## Plasticweld (Aug 13, 2014)

I think your personal confidence has a lot to do with how love effects you.   It has been almost 40 years since I fell in love with my wife, I still love her but it is safe to say that over the coarse of years that love has changed with the time and conditions.  

When I first saw her, it was strictly biological.  She was in my mind, great breeding stock, good looking, strong and  healthy. 

As I got to know her I found that we had similar values, we were both Christians, both wanted a family, at the time both wanted to be farmers.   That was a large hurtle to over come.  If she had no interest in those things, true love would have never progressed past the infatuation stage. 

When we got married, she became my partner, willing to share in the work and the common goal we both had. She was partner, friend and lover. 

When we had children, the focus changed from just us, to the kids and then us. The relationship changed as we as individuals now take a back seat to our kids and what was best for them.  

When the kids grew up and left, we had to re-learn how to fall in love with each other again, our kids were no longer the focus of our energy but "us" again as a couple. 

This changed again when we had grandkids and we are in a different phase. 


My wife and I had this conversation a few months ago.  When we were young many of the things we needed in a partner were more important.  Sharing the same values and goals are critical.  As you get to the end of your life and you have done all of the things you set out to do, companionship becomes much more important and you are able to look past differences.


I think deep down when you meet someone, the biological aspects takes precedent, then comes do we have the same values and goals. Too, can we live together without killing each other.  I think we are wired to subconsciously take all of those things into the equation when we meet someone.  We have all witnessed what worked and did not work while growing up, through our parents and relatives.  


Having the personal confidence to know what you want makes the whole process very different for each person.  I knew when I met my wife she was a good person first and all the other stuff fell into line.  I am not sure if women are as practical as men, if this is just my way of thinking about it or not, as I have only my experience to go by.  I do know that 16 I fell  in love with the woman I was to spend my life with, a daunting responsibility at such a young age.


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## InstituteMan (Aug 13, 2014)

I think that Plasticweld hit the nail on the head about how love in a relationship changes and evolves, ebbs and flows. As I am older and further from the initial rush of endorphins and hormones, maybe my recollections of falling in love are wrong. Certainly my conception of love has changed since I was a 20 year old college kid hitting on the young woman I would eventually marry. 

When I was younger, so many women infatuated me, aroused me, attracted me, and I would have probably called those involuntary feelings love. Now that I am a bit more seasoned, I still find women who infatuate me, arouse me, and attract me, and happily my wife is one of those women. I am not a liar, and I won't claim here or even to her that she is the only woman I find attractive. She is most definitely the woman I love, even if there are other smart, interesting, and attractive women in this world, though.

I have a history with my wife, a shared life with my wife, an emotional resonance with my wife. I don't have those things with anyone else. When my wife is having a rough day and doing things that would drive me to strangle any other human being, I give her space or do something nice for her or try to cheer her up, whatever seems best. She does the same for me. We don't have to respond that way, but we choose to. I think that is what love is -- choosing to respond in a positive way, even when it may not be immediately merited. 

Me, I know that InstituteWoman finds me fun and charming when I am in a good mood and life is going well (why she does, well, I guess that I am just lucky). That she puts up with me at my best is fortunate for me, but that isn't really love. That's easy for her. That she puts up with me and even tries to help me when I am at my worst, that is love. That's hard. I think that is a choice.

Anyhow, I have rambled here. I am pretty sure that the answer you are looking for about what goes through the head/heart when falling in love is the infatuation, the arousal, the attraction. That is a ton of fun, and I think that is a necessary first step for most couples in this world. It is the first step that has inspired stories for millennia. Still, that is just the first step of love. I took that step with plenty of women, girls really, back when I was a boy, and I don't regret any of those first steps. In those false starts there just wasn't another step to take after the first one or two, until I took step one with the woman I am now on step 5,294 with. I have come to conclude that while falling in love may happen at step one, actually being in love comes many steps further down the line.


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