# Lukewarm (650 Words)



## AtleanWordsmith (Nov 2, 2015)

It's not unusual for me to wake up without pants on.

However, it doesn't often happen to me in a stranger's apartment.  The guy would have probably killed me if I hadn't woken up before he pulled the trigger.  He didn't have anything that I could wear.  Broke his fingers before I left, just to drive a point home.  Not sure what it was, really.  I don't remember anything before waking up.

Turns out most stores will rethink their dress policy if you hold the staff at gunpoint.  I told one of the girls my sizes and sent her off to find some pants and shoes, told her to make it quick.  I knew she was going to call the police or something.  She was quick about it, though, and I trusted her enough to leave the shop before trying everything on.  Luckily, she'd got it right.  The shoes pinched a little, but I wouldn't be wearing them long.

I needed a car.  Anything would do, really, at this point.  It's amazing how a gun'll turn any random person into your best friend.  Well, sometimes.  I guess I just got lucky, and nobody I met was carrying anything.  The car got me far enough, and I got new clothes with some cash I'd borrowed off one of my new friends.  Ditched the old ones in the store, found a new car, headed toward the airport.  Two police cruisers passed me, lights and sirens going, but I wasn't too concerned.  As far as they knew, they were looking for someone else.

It was easy enough to get through the gate at the airport.  The car went through it, no problem, and I found myself in the back of a plane in no time, telling the pilot where I needed to go.  He was cooperative enough.  We landed at a private strip some distance away.  I thanked the guy for his time and gave him the rest of the money I had on me.  Seemed the least I could do.

There was a manor house not far from the strip, surrounded by well-cultivated land.  I was met by a couple of gentlemen who, while not wearing anything fancy, certainly managed to make me feel underdressed.  They didn't want my friendship, and weren't impressed by my attempts.  The blood on the jackets and ties probably won't be too noticeable after a couple of washes, but the shirts?  Ruined.

While those gentlemen hadn't been too friendly, the rest of the staff were polite, quiet, and stayed out of my way.  I found the study on the second floor, through a pair of heavy wooden doors.  A young-ish man sat behind a desk, in front of a large window.  The view was breathtaking, and I thought briefly that if I sat at the desk, I'd be facing the other way.

"I told you I wasn't to be-"

The man looked up, but he didn't seem to recognize me.  I was disappointed.  The man had taken everything from me, and he didn't even remember.

His eyes shifted to the gun in my hand.

"What do you think you're doing?"

I shrugged.  I didn't really know.  The past week was a blur.  The past few months had all blended into something unrecognizable.  All I knew for sure was that I was supposed to be here, in this room, with this man, alone.

I pulled the trigger.  The gun jerked in my hand, but there was no sound.  The man looked surprised, if anything.  Confused, I pulled the trigger again, and again.  The shots didn't seem loud enough.  The man jerked a couple of times, and slumped over onto the desk.

Again, I was disappointed.  Revenge had been mine, but there was no satisfaction in it.

I was aware of men shouting at me.  I dropped the gun and offered no resistance as they wrestled me to the floor.


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## Mariana (Nov 9, 2015)

Very, very cool, fast paced story . I would love to know more of the background and who the narrator is and what brought him to take revenge on that guy in the end though! And how did he know he was supposed to be shooting him if he wasn’t able to remember much of anything else? Plus, what were the events that led up to the opening scene? Overall very intriguing!


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## Courtjester (Feb 1, 2016)

I like the breathless pace here. It would be interesting to read a longer, complete story in this vein, but no doubt it would be difficult to maintain the style all the way through. Thanks for the read. Cj.


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## dmytron (Aug 5, 2016)

Intriguing story but seems to be a little one-sided. I think the beginning (adventures at the store, car, gate) is more interesting to me than the end. But I like the shortness of the story. And the first sentence is a killer (if you forgive me the pun).


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## wainscottbl (Aug 29, 2016)

I like the voice. I can picture this guy--badass, no nonsense. The good thing is I don't get the cliché badass. I mean that can be enjoyable, if done well, even fine. Like the sheriff on _Longmire. _Don't get me started on bloody NCIS and Gibbs. The actor makes it tolerable, but...nevermind. You might come short of cliché here, but that can be good. In that recent badly done Return of Tarzan the villain was cliché but in a great way. It was one of the positive qualities of the movie--Africa with a villain in an old fashioned safari suit, with that mustache. It works sometimes. I picture this guy, and I like him. I get the pace you are going for. I am not sure what your intentions are with this piece. One problem I had was that I felt like it was a list. But, I think to change it is borderline danger. I mean fatal. Maybe don't. Make sure you keep the original if you do. I don't know--try to add a little touch of real action. This is abstract. I say write a second version, and post it here. Post both and see what people like. Take this with a grain of salt. I feel like a general who is giving orders to a soldier, and is not sure if he should say do this, lest it be fatal.  

But once again: great pacing, great voice, great at painting a picture.


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## Jay Greenstein (Aug 29, 2016)

> However, it doesn't often happen to me in a stranger's apartment.  The  guy would have probably killed me if I hadn't woken up before he pulled  the trigger.  He didn't have anything that I could wear.  Broke his  fingers before I left, just to drive a point home.  Not sure what it  was, really.  I don't remember anything before waking up.


Seems to be no purpose for the new paragraph, given that there's been no change of subject.

That aside, this paragraph pretty well encapsulates the problems I see in the piece. It's a summation, presented in the words the protagonist would speak as he sipped a beer, after a friend said, "So How did your week go? Except...

That friend would hear emotion in the voice the speaker used. They would have  it amplified and modified by the speaker's body language, facial expression, and personal tics. The reader gets six declarative sentences presenting six facts, dispassionately.

But story is carried in the emotional part of the tale. A fiction reader isn't seeking to be informed on the details. They want gossip. They want to know what the man thought when he woke. After all, there's someone there about to shoot him or her (we don't learn our gender in this, but should so we can identify _as_ the character). They are not going to think about what they're wearing until _after_ they resolve the gun business. And the reader is far more interested in how that was accomplished then just knowing that aqn unknown person was planning to kill our protagonist for unknown reasons in an unknown place.

In short, story is to be lived, in the moment the protagonist calls now, not presented as a report. So take a look at this article. It's the best method I know of placing the reader into the scene as a participant. The paragraph outlines the scene. Now, using that as a guide, write it.


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