# Cardiff



## ned (Oct 17, 2017)

.
As dawn approaches the dreaming city
the mail-train tip-toes through the vale
betrayed by faint, unearthly beating
from weight of wheels
on yielding rails
gently rocking
unsound sleepers


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## Kevin (Oct 17, 2017)

I've nearly never ridden a train, but I think I get it, ned. S'like a painting, only moves. Yeah. 'Succinct', but enough. Sorry for the gush.


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## midnightpoet (Oct 17, 2017)

Like it, my only quibble is "tip-toes."  I do applaud that you didn't use "rumbling" which is rather common in describing train movement, but I don't think you've picked the right word.  Also, I've ridden trains and I'm not sure you've captured the feeling. Just some thoughts as I read, hope they help.


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## Kevin (Oct 17, 2017)

..


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## -xXx- (Oct 17, 2017)

betrayed tip-toes, indeed, good sir!
fab!!


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## Space Cadet (Oct 17, 2017)

Hi ned.  I really like the ending lines because they flow so nicely.  I have a...damn this is good.  I want to change it to perfect it, but it may be there already.   The only notes are as follows:  


UNSOUND SLEEPERS  (keep the title )

As dawn approaches the dreaming city
the mail-train tip-toes through the vale
betrayed by faint, unearthly beating
on yielding rails
gently rocking




ned said:


> .
> As dawn approaches the dreaming city
> the mail-train tip-toes through the vale
> betrayed by faint, unearthly beating
> ...




Thank you for sharing/always enjoy your work.  Best. Wes;ey


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## Darren White (Oct 18, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> As dawn approaches the dreaming city
> the mail-train tip-toes through the vale
> betrayed by faint, unearthly beating
> ...



I like the alliteration in this little poem. It greatly enhances the thumping of that train through the landscape. Also the internal rhymes  _"through the vale betrayed by faint"_ and assonance in it.... 
As the train approaches the city, he slows down, and so does the poem. In length of lines and cadence.


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## dannyboy (Oct 22, 2017)

As dawn approaches the city (didn’t like dreaming - cliche but have no solution to offer)
the mail-train tip-toes through the vale ( Love this line)
betrayed by faint, unearthly beats,
weight of wheels 
force rails to yield 
gently rock
unsound sleepers

Just my take, hope you don’t mind - I like train poems - always take me back to visits to my cousins in the country.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 22, 2017)

This is good. Also a fan of the tip goes line. I actually wanted it to be longer so the image could be expanded on.


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## sas (Oct 22, 2017)

Am I the only one wondering who the letters were from (soldiers?) and is that why sleep was unsound? Hmmm.

I believe it begs a second stanza.


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## jenthepen (Oct 22, 2017)

ned said:


> .
> As dawn approaches the dreaming city
> the mail-train tip-toes through the vale
> betrayed by faint, unearthly beating
> ...



The real depth of this poem comes with knowledge of South Wales and the valleys. The distant train _would_ beat on the rails, but faintly. And the final two lines are masterly, in my opinion - sleepers can be read as Cardiff residents or the wooden sleepers that carry the rail track, both being rocked by the moving train.

I can't find anything to fault here. It paints a picture in my mind and memory and has a poignant and delicate beauty of safe and gentle times.


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## Pete_C (Oct 23, 2017)

The only part of this I dislike is 'tip-toes'. While I appreciate that mail trains, which run in the small hours, are usually speed restricted, I still struggle with the idea that it's akin to tip-toe action. Often you feel the train more than hear it, but it ain't on tip-toes!

Otherwise, I find the ending strong and heavy with imagery despite being so brief.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 23, 2017)

Pete_C said:


> The only part of this I dislike is 'tip-toes'. While I appreciate that mail trains, which run in the small hours, are usually speed restricted, I still struggle with the idea that it's akin to tip-toe action. Often you feel the train more than hear it, but it ain't on tip-toes!
> 
> Otherwise, I find the ending strong and heavy with imagery despite being so brief.



Usually I would join on singling out poor imagery but I am okay with the tip toeing. because it is such a contradiction. It’s like when people say “the city sleeps”. Obviously it doesn’t, but the feeling works.


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## Kevin (Oct 23, 2017)

Tip toes is a metaphor for _trying_ to proceed with  or be quiet. Works for me. Gives the train a sort of 'being'-status, like it's an individual. A behemoth, living thing. Jmo


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## ned (Oct 24, 2017)

hello - thank you all for reading and your comments - much appreciated.
and very encouraging.

yes, 'tip toes' was always going to be a risky metaphor - and it seems to have spawned a bit
of a dichotomy.
thought about 'creeps', but I like the assonance with 'approaches'.

J the P - thank you for your local endorsement - that means a lot to me.
and for bedding those sleepers in the track ballast.

cheers...........Ned


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## Raevenlord (Oct 24, 2017)

Hello, Ned.

Thank you very much for sharing this.

I'm one of those that loves the image of a tip-toeing train. I think your alternative 'creeps' would give the poem a dark overtone that wouldn't be in place. However, a train that tiptoes... Maybe due to the contents of the letters it brings? That's very interesting. 

Sadly, I'm not familiar with the imagery like Jen was, but her contribution also helped interpret the poem. 

I find myself in agreement with Sas as to the reason of the unsound sleepers. If not on purpose, the connection with the mail train really does give an entire world of purpose behind this poem, and gets the imagination rocking. Unsure if you can keep the body and soul of the poem with an extension to a second stanza, though. As it is, it's a smooth ride, almost like the last sigh from the steam engine.

I'd also like to say how amazing the amount of views and information that can exist on a single poem is. Darren White's mention of a slower cadence, decreased number of lines... It's amazing that I didn't look at it that way, but if that was purposeful on your part, Ned (and from what I've seen, I'm quite sure it is), it opened my eyes to a whole new way of transmitting feeling and an idea.


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## Andrew78 (Nov 1, 2017)

I've never been to Cardiff, your poetry made me dream of this city, so you hit the right point. Only the first line I would polish more, all the other lines looks well written, like there has been research and the words were painstakingly culled, only the first line leaves the doubt that it was more rushed out and kept as it came out.


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