# The Mechanical Apostles, Chapter One



## Higurro (Oct 1, 2011)

.


----------



## misterchris (Oct 1, 2011)

This is very smooth and well paced.  You set up the world and characters wonderfully.  I disliked the narrator's description of Freya's body as "stick-like".  There are ways to describe thin/slender that do not have a negative connotation. (Unless that was intended.)   I also was searching for a conflict.  The tone was very neutral and the characters supportive of each other; the unusual circumstances of bringing in of a wanderer almost slipped under the radar.  Are wanderers dangerous?  Prophetic?   Maybe you could hint at some conflict or use foreshadowing to set up the importance of the wanderer.

If you had not intended to get feedback, then my apologies.   I am just responding as a typical fantasy reader.  This is very good.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

Thank you Misterchris, that's very helpful. I see what you mean about 'stick-like'. I intended it to suggest a slight awkwardness and infexability - youthful resistance, if you will - but I agree this could be done more flatteringly. I also think the foreshadowing idea is a very good one; a little tension might drive things on. Sorry if this sounds daft, but what do you mean by a 'neutral tone'? Thanks for your time.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

*Mechanical Apostles, Chap. 1, Pt. 2*

.


----------



## misterchris (Oct 2, 2011)

Higurro said:


> Thank you Misterchris, that's very helpful. I see what you mean about 'stick-like'. I intended it to suggest a slight awkwardness and infexability - youthful resistance, if you will - but I agree this could be done more flatteringly. I also think the foreshadowing idea is a very good one; a little tension might drive things on. Sorry if this sounds daft, but what do you mean by a 'neutral tone'? Thanks for your time.



Take this with a grain of salt, as I am at best an amateur.  When you read a horror story, the author sets up a sense or feeling of foreboding.  When reading something comic, the author usually starts with a joke to set the mood and let the reader know what kind of ride they are signing up for.  You described the abbey and Freya, but as far as I could tell, I was reading an issue of Architectural Digest.  There wasn't any underlying emotion.  That would change perhaps as soon as you introduce conflict.

The only reason I responded in detail is that I really do like your writing and think this is on par with the published fantasy genre.  Again, take this with a grain of salt, my advice may be wrong, its just something to consider.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

Well thanks again for taking the time; I'm very much an amateur myself, and I really do appreciate the compliment. Your observation is not something I'd actually really considered before, so it stands to reason there's an opportunity I've been missing until now. And it's funny you should mention Architectural Digest as I've just finished an architecture course. I'll have to be careful not to let it stand in my way.


----------



## slayerofangels (Oct 2, 2011)

Heya. There're a few phrases in the first part that kind of jar with me, though I don't know whether they're intentional or not. She stole herself for that moment. Should that have been steeled herself? And when maggie told her not to worry worry. Is that a personality quirk of Maggies? If so, its something you can have fun with to create the domesticity of the place. Further to Misterchris' comment about there being a lack of feeling, you could cut out some of the qualifications like Maggies's "I was told to give you a message" and just cut straight to the message itself. The place is Freya's home and the more domestic and lived in it seems to her the more comfortable we are with it as readers.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

Thanks for your input, Slayerofangels. In the three years I've been writing I've never had my work critiqed before so this is really helpful for me. Maggie was a character I made up on the spur of the moment without any preparation, and I think your suggestion is a good one.


----------



## slayerofangels (Oct 2, 2011)

I'm sure there's a reason for it, but the way you start off the second third with the boy...Ira... I don't know, I'd usually start by naming him if he's someone we'll be following. The other option is to have him speak all those thoughts ala Sherlock from the BBC series of the same name. Basically, have Freya meet him instead of Germwinter and have the boy bombard her with these questions, again, build up the relationship between the two. Having more than one POV in a chapter can be confusing, but when it works it works. Here...you switch from Freya, to Ira, to Freya with little or no warning. There's no real definitive answer here, but its something to think about. ;P


----------



## InsanityStrickenWriter (Oct 2, 2011)

I read through this all earlier on in the day and like it all as is  I enjoyed it and found your writing style easy to follow. If I have to critique something, (oh how I loathe actual critiquing), I wasn't so sure about the Abbey being entirely made out of quartz. I like the idea of it sitting on quartz, but not too sure how suitable it is for the building itself. I like my Abbeys made out of grey stones rather than pink  Traditionalist.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

I need to add a little more clarification on the Abbey I think, as it's quite a complex structure. The lower, older part is tunnelled into the quartz outcrop, which was not flat on top, and the newer limestone parts were added later onto the original ancient structure, filling in the crags and crevices, leading to a mixture that gives way to an entirely limestone upper section. Freya's room sits within a hollow in the outcrop, whereas the passageway is a limestone addition. I just can't how to work out how to convey that sort of detail exploded sectional diagrams!

I'm very glad you like my style as I feel when it comes to writing that's half the battle won, so that's a big confidance-booster for me. Also this evening I decided on a different course of events which will be far tenser and more powerful when it comes to introductions and building character psychology, so I'll take a few days to write that and then post an alt. version.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

.


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 2, 2011)

I'm really enjoying the story so far. The setting and the characters are very interesting. I think you started out strong with the first part, but I didn't think the following parts were quite up to the same high standard. The behavior of Ira and Freya in the third part particularly, seemed a bit unnatural to me. First Ira is all friendly, offering to shake her hand, and I got the impression that he must have known something about her and he was eager to meet her at last. The next moment, he's acting suspicious and aloof, and then he's back to telling her his life story.
Freya, too, seemed very easily angered and violent, threatening to bash this poor kid's head in just for being a bit mysterious. I think to have her react like that, he would need to have insulted her deeply in some way. 
I also thought that she gave in and agreed to help him a bit too easily. I would think she would be much more suspicious about whether she could trust him at this stage. Maybe he could hint to her that he knows something about her past, or her real father, so that there's something more driving her.
You might just need to go through it with a red pen clarifying and expanding some parts, but I think it's already in very good shape. I'm intrigued to find out who or what Willowbark is, and about some of the technology like the sentient-balloons. Your writing style flows very well and is easy to follow. I also think the title is great. Good luck with it!


----------



## Higurro (Oct 2, 2011)

Josh, thanks very much! I agree about the issue of them meeting. This probably stems from the fact that in my holidays over the last three years I've written a 200,000 word manuscript in which they are the two main characters, however, it is set roughly eight years after this one, so they both have ingrained characters and friendship by then. I didn't realise that working out how they would react to each other at first, as twelve year olds, would be so tricky! Just this evening I came up with a chapter plot that is different in feel, more tense, more exciting, and should allow for Ira and Freya to expose their characters and places within the Abbey more deeply, so I'll have to spend a few days on that and then we can compare the two.

By the way, if you (or anyone else) is interested in my other manuscript, I have a blog called Where is Freya?  which contains some extracts from it, below the chapter I've posted here, along with artwork.

 Many thanks again.


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 2, 2011)

I have the same trouble with character interactions, especially with first meetings. It's so important to get it right, though, or it really kills the reader's experience. Dialogue is probably my biggest stumbling block, but lately I've just been plowing ahead with it regardless of how bad I think it sounds at the time. When I come back to it after a few weeks or months I find I can read it more as the reader would, and then the unnatural parts become a lot more apparent. It's also been very helpful for me to post parts of my story here as there are some really great writers here that pick up on things I hadn't even considered.
I had a quick look at your blog, and it looks like you've put a great deal of work into creating your world. I'll have to go back and check it out more thoroughly when I've got more time. I look forward to seeing it published some day.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 11, 2011)

*New Version*

.


----------



## Nevermore (Oct 11, 2011)

> Chapter One
> of
> *The Mechanical Apostles*​
> 
> ...



Beautiful descriptions, eloquent writing style, needs a bit of rephrasing in maybe two paragraphs, but otherwise very good.  Looking forward to the next chapter.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 11, 2011)

Thanks very much for your detailed feedback Nevermore. I think it's very interesting what you picked up on. The places where you pointed out awkwardness were the places where I wasn't quite sure of how I should word things, so I'm glad we agree there. I wouldn't say names are inconsequential though; one of the things I spend longest over is choosing the right name! I think they're an essential detail in fantasy writing as then lend believability. 

I'm very pleased you like it, and rest assured, the cause of Maggie's urgency is revealed. I'll post the second third of the chapter so you can see what happens.

ps in case you're interested I'll translate the dream sequence at the intro. I've tried to make something logical into something very poetic to kick the thing off.

_…and still the discordant noises *(hearing is one of the last things to go when dying)* that seemed to run around and back *(ritual, repitition of external events)*   until forms emerged *(implies that sounds are the person's whole world, almost solid to them)* were spilling, lapping, pooling into wide lakes of   marine *(their consciousness is decaying, reducing their world of sounds to a blurred disorientation)*, aqua-to and ultra-fro *(endless, monotonous, like waves)*, since time immemorial *(dying is something that has always occured)*, until the precise   and intimate moment *(the moment of death)* at which heliotropic *(following the sun, also heliotrope is bloodstone, here representing mortality)* symmetry *(therefore heliotropic symmetry is the point between dawn and dusk, living and dying, ie death itself)* robbed them of what   faculties *(death takes their last senses)* still imbibed their ruinous *(that still are able to take in their final moments)*…_


----------



## Higurro (Oct 11, 2011)

.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 23, 2011)

.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 30, 2011)

I read the three sections twice.   I think you need to edit the waking up of Freya in the first section.   Some of the dialogue needs to go too: “Freya, are you awake?” It was a woman’s voice, soft and muffled.   “Maggie, is that you? I’m nearly ready, just getting dressed.”

The descriptive parts are very good, I got a good feel for the setting.  But like others have said there was no conflict, nothing happening in the first section.   

The second section concerns the boy being found.  Perhaps switch this with the first section, it could make for a more intriguing opening.

I got the impression the boy Ira is a mind reader, and that Freya is unstable.   Her thinness was'nt resolved, why is she thin?  You mention it a couple of times so was under the impression she was anorexic.   The final section seems to be where the story gets going.  I get the impression they are both about to embark on an adventure.   The viewpoint switches between Freya and Ira, is that intentional?

I like your narative, most dialogue is good, but the beginning was boring.  I really don't care about Freya not wanting to get up, it happens to us all, every day.   You definately need conflict or intrigue to start.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 30, 2011)

When you say swap the first and second sections, presumably you aren't suggesting that Freya should arrive downstairs _before _waking up? Seriously though, I appreciate the point if the start seems a little slow. I'm grateful to you for reading the whole thing twice and take that as a sign of encouragement in itself. Perhaps it's because I haven't made the distinction clear but the section “Freya, are you awake?” It was a woman’s voice, soft and muffled.    “Maggie, is that you? I’m nearly ready, just getting dressed.” is only in the first version and has been written out in the second draft to give a more sudden entrance. (I'm also slightly confised about the references to not wanting to get up, as these have also been written out)

The section where there is no action, where Freya is merely introducing us to her world, runs to about 500 words, which I judged short enough not to drag at all. I really hadn't felt a need for action and tension on the first page, but each opinion is valid. What I might try to do here is change Freya's mood to something a little more tense and foreboding. 

Out of interest, what gave you the impression that Ira is a mind reader? And does there need to be an explaination for Freya to have a slim build. (In truth there is no reason for it; she's simply a small person) Do you think I've overemphasised it?

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read all the way through.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 31, 2011)

Higurro said:


> When you say swap the first and second sections, presumably you aren't suggesting that Freya should arrive downstairs _before _waking up? Seriously though, I appreciate the point if the start seems a little slow. I'm grateful to you for reading the whole thing twice and take that as a sign of encouragement in itself. Perhaps it's because I haven't made the distinction clear but the section “Freya, are you awake?” It was a woman’s voice, soft and muffled.    “Maggie, is that you? I’m nearly ready, just getting dressed.” is only in the first version and has been written out in the second draft to give a more sudden entrance. (I'm also slightly confised about the references to not wanting to get up, as these have also been written out)
> 
> The section where there is no action, where Freya is merely introducing us to her world, runs to about 500 words, which I judged short enough not to drag at all. I really hadn't felt a need for action and tension on the first page, but each opinion is valid. What I might try to do here is change Freya's mood to something a little more tense and foreboding.
> 
> ...



Sorry I think I must have read the old version; the new version starts off slightly more intense which is better.   When I said switch the first and second section, I meant start off with the boy Ira being found, then show Freya being woken by a knock on the door, to which she must answer because of the boy being found.   Or just start with a knock on Freya's door, an urgent knock, because she must go to tend to the wanderer boy.   Just my suggestion.  I am of the opinion that all books should start with something unusual happening.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 31, 2011)

I just read the second version.  I like it much better than the first, the intrigue of who this boy and his father are is constant and you did well not to answer that question, leave the reader guessing.   In this version you brought in an event earlier on (Freya gets ordered up to come to the infirmary), that was a good move.  However I still felt uneasy about reading Freya waking and having a sketch.  If the sketch is important to the story then fine, if not then why is it there.

I like the way it is all told from Freya's viewpoint and Ira remains a mystery.  Sister Maggie comes across more vivid.   

I did get a little confused in the third section when the Abbot appears.  Several new names popped up - Dorian, Rubella? (or are you refering to the illness), who is Mrs Germwither?   

Other than that the third section made me intrigued about the boy and his father.   One thing though, if Freya is the main you may need to work on making the reader sympathise more with her, because after reading the whole thing I have more sympathy for Ira, even though he's hardly spoke.    

Freya needs something, not sure what, but I haven't yet connected with her.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 31, 2011)

Cheers for the advice. The purpose for the sketch was to introduce her interest in sentient balloons, which are an key plot point, and the fact that the country of Norgarim is famous for its sentient balloon industry, however, Tempus, where the Abbey is, is a traditionalist place and hasn't embraced this 'newfangled industry' much to Freya's chagrin. The section was meant to start suggesting at her thirst for adventure and slight feeling of entrapment in the Abbey, a feeling that is of course answered by the strange arrival of Ira and his father.

As far as names go, Dorian is Freya's father, the Abbot, and Rubella is Mrs Germwither's first name. Due to her position as head of the infirmary she would be called Mrs Germwither by Freya but Rubella by Abbot Dorian. 

I aggree though with your feeling that Freya is still waiting for the injection of something more, I'm just not quite sure what yet either. Some sort of conflict. On the one hand she does yearn for adventure and to be a part of the sentient balloon industry, but on the other she is quite comfortable at the Abbey. I really don't want to make a move that might end up preachy or artificial, so I might just continue on with it and make it a focus from now on, rather that working over this again, and hopefully something will emerge naturally.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 31, 2011)

I see.  The sentient baloons may need more explanation, and perhaps introduce them to the reader with more explanation.   With regard to names, it may be best if each character is referred to by the same name.  It is difficult for readers.   But your first chapter reads very well, and has enough intrigue to push readers onto the next.  I am curious about Ira and his father.


----------



## Higurro (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for your time, this is very helpful. I've started on the second chapter but I doubt that'll be finished for at least a week. I'm trying to really slow down my writing and take a little time over things.


----------



## QDOS (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi Higurro

  I did manage to read through some of your fist draft. I like the second better.  You mention the ‘sentient baloons’ as a hint of Freya’s lust for freedom and adventure. I suggest you drop you quirky lines of italics and open with a lengthier description of Freya’s dream and make a more positive link to her a future aspiration. 

  The following text will then reinforce her present ties to servitude and begin to introduce the conflict you’re looking for as she explores the possibility of escaping to the outside world and the adventure she seeks.       

  QDOS  :anonymous:


----------



## Higurro (Nov 1, 2011)

QDOS, I like it! Apart from scrapping the italics section (those bits are a little experimental intro to every chapter, covering the main theme of the chapter but linking gramatically into one continuous sentence that loops from the end round to the beginning). I'll wait until I can judge the whole effect before scrapping them first, however, I think expounding the dream sequence could make for a rather captivating prologue. Crossing over the boundary between prologue and first chapter would replicate Freya crossing from sleep to wakefulness, via the intermediary subconcious italics section.


----------



## QDOS (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi Higurro
  [FONT=&Verdana]
Understood, go for it. Just make sure the italics act as a sounding board to the main contents of each chapter. 
But at this stage of the game getting the opening sequence right is all important. 
I’ll be interested in the result.[/FONT]

QDOS


----------



## ravag3 (Nov 2, 2011)

Reading through the first few posts I believ you are on to a good start. Characters have depht and story has a purpose keep on writing


----------



## Deyo (Nov 3, 2011)

Interesting story, I can't say much about the writing other than it's a lot better than mine.  But about the story, just some things you might want to think about, and if you already are, or have, then ignore my useless ranting.  Why must Freya be the one to help the boy?  As for the, jostling throng. Where they members of this infirmary, or a crowd of normal people?  why where they gathered?  ---If i had to guess, if they where a group of normal people, it was either to make the scene a bit more interesting, just something to come to that equals the urgency that was shown towards the beginning, after they left Freya's room. (I hope not) or it could have been to show how peaceful of a world they are living in.  One where many can spare the sympathy for even a stranger.  If they where infirmary workers, then I have to hope that you have a good answer for why Freya had to be the one to help the boy, a reason either Thornson, Dorian, or someone knew beforehand.Whether purposeful or not, just some inconsistencies I noticed.  I like using incosistencies I find in my stories to my advantage.  You have to do it fast, otherwise the reader will forget about it soon.  But once you get them to think something is off, you can twist it around to make it a part of the story, a strategy that never ceases to amaze.


----------



## Higurro (Nov 4, 2011)

Thanks guys for your feedback. Deyo, that's a very interesting thought. I intended the crowd to be regular abbey-folk who have crowded the infirmary to offer help and see what's going on, as the news would travel fast around the place. Freya was called to help Ira as she is about his own age and is the daughter of the Abbot, who was leading the activities. I agree though that if there were some special reason for Ira and Freya to be brought together that would make it more interesting, so I'll have a little think about that one.


----------



## Higurro (Jan 8, 2012)

*The Mechanical Apostles, Chapter Two (First third)*

Chapter Two has its own thread now, which is what I should have done initially. Please ignore this one.


----------

