# Wundirfal [fantasy]



## Xalor (Aug 28, 2012)

More or less the finished version of ch. 1. Thank you all in advance for your thoughts and comments. Note some names may be changed for this version.



As always, Enjoy. 



*1.0*​      The sun falls, cloaking the land into habitual twilight, and cicadas hum distantly as we delve farther into the forest. Goosebumps rise when a cool breeze kisses expose skin, and the woods becomes deafening as the nocturnal awake.  Without the sun’s heat the forest cools, and the once humid air condenses, building moisture on every exposed surface, causing the forest to become a show of subtly shifting light.  Wet leaves glare, refracting the moonlight above, creating a mirage for a spider’s freshly spun web; a Luna Moth, by happenchance, flitters into the inescapable death trap, and below a shrub rustles as a fox dashes after a rabbit in a deathly game of tag. The forest is completely naive of the approach of something much more sinister.     

            My ears perk as the sound of footfall approaches just beyond my sight.  The situation has reversed itself: the beasts we are hunting are now hunting us.  The scratching of jagged claws against the tall sender pines is foreign to the soundtrack of the night and signals that that they are near.  My eyes jerk from one point in the darkness to another, following each new alien sound, yet they stay just beyond the darkness. A hand circles in the air, a signals to move together.   More footfall approaches us from behind, but they are from no beast; five new warriors join our rank of twenty, a joint force of hunters and guards from the city of Vanf.  The scratching intensifies; they are very close now.  My eyes return to scanning the darkness, and I spot a silhouette have appears in a moonbeam like spotlight. A black lion, bear hybrid like creature stands upright, its teeth glowing unnaturally white, and its eyes mad with blood, a Ravuge: one of the races of unnatural creatures.  It fades back into the darkness.  We hunt them every full double moon; as it is necessary for a hunt to keep the Ravuges numbers down and, therefore, the roads and the city of Vanf safe.  The scratches increased in intensity, and grow louder in all directions as we move forward into a half-clearing. They surround us now.  I draw my saber quietly dragging its strait form along so that it teases the tips of velvet grass.  The group halts and forms a protective circle when the forest becomes eerily quiet.  Suddenly, a bush rustles towards the northern end of the circle, so some the inexperienced guards in the group loosen up and move to investigate the noise. 

            “It’s a trap!” One elder hunter calls out.  As if on cue, several monstrous dark figures rush out of the vegetation.  A mix of roars and screams fill the once stagnate night air. My attention is drawn to the dark looming outline in front of me. I drop and weave swinging my saber skillfully slashing the beast while avoiding its massive swinging claws. 

             A distinctive female scream cuts the air.  I smoothly circle to the front of the beast and slash at its eyes, and in the same movement back around severing its calves causing it to fall forward, paralyzing it temporarily. I take the moment to search through the chaos to confirm my fears.  The moonlight illuminates a monstrous figure hovering over a bloody female body.  It is Sasha; one of the two female guards from Vanf who have the honor of joining the hunting party.              Turning around, I unsheathe my dagger, and thrust it into the back of the neck of the already stunned ravuge, severing its spinal cord, killing it instantly.  Already on the balls of my feet I swing around and dash through chaos at Sasha. Her assailant, who is in the process of dragging her limp body away, releases her and turns to face me as I approach.  The ravuge crouches down on all four legs and rushes me with its jaw stretching in preparation for ripping my bones and flesh to shreds. I continue without hesitation and leap just as the beast enters my sabers range.  I twist and contort while I gild through the air narrowly escaping its horrific jaws. I land on its back and waste no time swinging my saber at its neck, and in a stroke of luck slice between its vertebrae beheading it in one quick swipe. The beast collapses with a thud, and its head rolls a few feet away.  I drag myself away and over to Sasha.  

            I check her vitals; despite how bad she looks, her pulse is strong, but her breathing is shallow and weak.  I search her body for an immediate injuries and find that the left side of her face is badly bruised; her chest and back-plate armor are pierced and bent on the upper right side where the beast had clamped down to drag her.  I lay my now blood decorated saber to the side, draw my dagger, and somehow cut the leather straps holding her armor together. Then I carefully removed her from her armor that was serving as a death trap.  I pull some cloth out of a first aid pouch on my belt and wrap her shoulder with it.  


            I grab my saber and scan the area.  The small opening is sprinkled with mangled corpses both human and beast. I spot a group of ravuges circling, like a hungry flock of vultures, the last few survivors on the far end of the opening, but before I have the chance to move, a rustling in the vegetation causes me to freeze.  I slip a small hatchet from its sheath and raise it coiling my arm behind my head. Releasing the built up tension, the axe gilds smoothly from my hand slicing end over end through the air and sinks into its intended victims’ skull killing it silently.  I spot a mass, limping from a spear imbedded in its side, to my right, and I fling a throwing knife, causing it to charge in my direction; a second throwing knife finds its mark putting the ravuge out of its misery. 


            The air grows still and eerily quiet as I glance back to the lone group at the opposite edge of the clearing.  I whistle causing the circling ravuges to stop and slowly twist to face the noise. The world slows as everything becomes vivid, sharp and clear. 


             A single blade flutters afterglow of the moons slicing the stagnate aura of dread as two Ravages are slain.  Armor glitters beams of twilight as figures rush past two newly gouged carcasses marking the broken encirclement.  Their armor flickers bits of shattering moonlight as they draw quickly and silently to me. The blades of grass shed what are the starts of dewdrops at even the slightest touch of the warriors as they wade across the grassy opening and form around me.


            Five? Only five left other than me?!  The trance is broken by the utter shock of the question echoing in my mind. I cannot comprehend that out of the twenty-five of us that went out only six remain in fighting shape.  They set up a perimeter without uttering a word. Wait, I know these five.  I walk over and fill a spot left open for me in the circle. The ravuges had already begun their encirclement of death about twenty steps out. I hold my saber out at each beast slowly passing and creeping closer. Each ravuges’ red eyes search for signs of weakness as they pass.  They are ten paces and closing. I ready another throwing knife in my left hand as I wait for the first unlucky beast to make its move.                              

              A subtle breath turns heavy as new winds whistle across the landscape. The world of nightlight dulls as looming clouds quiet the once radiant starry sky. A sense of horror creeps onto the land as twilight fades to unknown blackness. My feet shift unconsciously fighting the terror sinking deep into my bones brought by uncertainty of the dark.  Red eyes full of rage glow, like rubies, which silently circle creating a trance of impending death. Clouds break, allowing the largest moon to illuminate the world below, if only for a moment. My heighten senses slow the suddenly lit world.  Massive paws push off the earth tossing wet grass, sparkling in the limelight, like confetti at some grand jubilee, as a Ravuge breaks formation and charges on all fours towards me. I smoothly sidestep left flinging the knife from my off-hand; the sleek curved blade sails through the air, and sinks into the charging ravuge’s shoulder causing its left front leg to fail. The strait form of my saber shimmers as it slices through the outstretching right paw that now spits bloods from the newly dislocate veins.  I thrust into the beast’s side hitting a rib, but the pressure changes as the top third of the sword shatters from the connection. The beast recoils from the blow, rolling to its side, and tries to regain its footing; an arrow whizzes and connects with one of the beast’s hind legs, and it falls to the earth with a thud.  I walk over to the beast, prop my leg against its heaving chest, and struggle to thrust what is left of my saber farther into the howling ravuge’s chest until the jagged tip reaches its heart. 


            I jerk the sword out revealing its broken, useless shape.  My eyes dart to the right. A child’s jigsaw puzzle made of butchered ravuges is strewn before a massive blood splattered claymore. Behind the behemoth of a sword in a full blown steel suite of armor, with the exception of the helmet, is one of the three captains of the guard; Eays.  A distinct yelp shifts my focus left to find a young man, in brownish color light armor, plunging a long sword into the chest of a whimpering ravuge. Shou is his name, and in a short staccato movement he pulls the blade from the beast.  I turn my body so that the remaining three come into view.  Opposite of me on the south side, and more towards the center of the group than the rest, stands a beautiful menacing female figure, Asa.  Asa’s windswept, waist long, chestnut brown hair flows freely as her eyes, ever watchful, search for even the slightest movement; her fingers poise, on a half drawn bow’s string, ready to let a deadly arrow fly precisely to its mark.  Left of her, a short man in light armor holds a halberd and two sheathed dirks at his waist, and to the right of Asa, on the southern side of the group, a short man—a bit shorter than the man on the left—in standard plate armor holds a spear and a shield in the shape of a coffin; they are Dubane and Rakue of the Dunob family. I look so different compared to them: wearing old tattered, leather dress armor, a black clay mask with white teardrops around the eye-holes, a belt sagging at my waist, and physically weaponless.  


            The moment passes and the world plunges yet again into pitch black.  The thumps of paws softly landing on the grass quietly fade into the distance.  The sound of the muffled footfall completely dissipates by the time the lazy clouds clear the moons, and light returns to the dreadful scene.  I kneel, wipe the fresh blood off the blade on the moist grass, and sheath the broken saber.  My hand reaches to the medical pouch on my belt, and pulls out a notebook and four pins.  Flipping through the pages I find the parchment, rip it out, and pin it to the ground.  I struggle to pull my left glove off as the sound of blades sinking into flesh, finishing off resilient ravuges, fills the night.  I unsheathe my dagger, and prick my thumb with the tip, drawing warm blood.  I place my thumb on the bottom of the rune filled circle written on the parchment, and whisper, “Fáthḱ-suhkˈ zhatum”. 


            The paper glows neon green as the black inscribed runes start to turn ember red.  The air stills before exploding in an outward whirlwind.  The burst of air subsides, and in its place a steady, dull hum confirms the magic is creating a force field that surrounds the clearing. 


             I exhale letting a sigh gently cross my lips, and try to swallow the feeling of dread growing inside my chest.  I have never seen a group of ravuge of this size naturally, nor had them retreat after they have attacked.  Someone, most likely a mage, is controlling them.  The knowledge one must have of the firsts’ language to do so is powerful and unknown to me, even as a Magi.  This situation, with so many dead and the fact that I am weaponless, may be beyond me with my limited capabilities as a Magi.  The mage will be back before dawn, and he or she will not be alone.


The better part of the next hour was spent collecting the bodies, or what was left of them, and transferring them to a treeless section of the clearing where the grass was shorter. There I began to assess and treat, with magic if possible, the various injuries. Unfortunately, I did not have the adequate medical supplies, or their injuries are too severe to be healed by my level of magic; nevertheless I manage to save five out of the sixteen. The others keep themselves busy by collecting all the arms and tools from what is left of the incapacitated in a pile. 


I begin to lay out everything usable I have left: a dagger, thirteen pieces of cubed half foot notebook paper, a piece of black chalk, and the two small throwing knifes I salvaged. The realization that I had nothing feels suffocating, so I undo the leather strapping of my mask and lay it to the side. I take deep breaths, trying to allow myself to think, when a hand pats my shoulder, “We have to send someone back to Vanf. We can't sit here much longer,” Eays said.


“None of you alone could make it back to Vanf alive,” I utter, “Even if you made it past the beasts. There is a mage out there,” I signal towards the woods with my hand, “controlling the beasts.”


“Think he’ll show?”


“No doubt,” I look down to what is left in front of me, “but I don’t have much to go on.”


My experienced mind, trained over hundreds of years for constant battle, begins to race.  Insight occurs as I stare at the bleak materials, and my mind begins to weigh the pros and cons of each idea.  I finally settle on one with the most versatile response that still gives me a much needed advantage. I jump to my feet without saying a word and begin to walk away.


“Care to fill me in,” Eays calls out slyly.


“Smoke and mirrors,” I sarcastically call back.


“Smoke and mirrors,” Eays echoes under his breath, and scoffs lightly at the remark.


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## JackKnife (Aug 28, 2012)

Very cool. Reminds me a little bit of the Monster Hunter series.

First thing that bugged me though:



> SCRRRRAAAAAAAPPE! Curses! SCRRRAAAPE! They are onto us.


I don't think of 'scrape' as much of an onomatopoeia. I think you'd do better describing the sound than using it in this way.

I'm also a little leery of the name 'Loins'. It makes me think of less savoury things than giant killer lions.

Other than that, you have some drifting tenses, from present to past, while I think your action-oriented piece benefits most from a present-tense approach.


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## Gyarachu (Aug 28, 2012)

This is very well done. The first-person point of view is a little bit of a different twist on action oriented fantasy.

Not much more I can say on top of what JackKnife already said. I would just like to add that the last bit of the story, from the point when the main character whistles, is a bit confusing. I've read it over a few times and I'm still not exactly sure what is going on there. Could just be me though.

Great job, keep up the good work!


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## Xalor (Aug 28, 2012)

JackKnife said:


> Very cool. Reminds me a little bit of the Monster Hunter series.
> 
> First thing that bugged me though:
> 
> ...


I replaced the scrapes with something a bit more descriptive. and I changed loin to ravuge...loins was temporary name until I thought of a better one.XD and I tried to take out most of the past tenses but its hard to in some cases. Thank you for the input!!

@Gyarachu I will keep that in mind. if anyone else comments that it is confusing then I will change it. thanks for the comment.


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## Artanyis (Aug 28, 2012)

> _They, the Ravuge, are giant bipedal lion, bear hybrid like *abominations*._


There has got to be a better way of phrasing that, it is clunky and although technically grammatically accurate, it sounds bad every time I read it.  Also I would like some description on them, as to why they are abominations?  Are they only in the one area?  Where they some horrible science / magic / alchemy experiment gone wrong?  If they are a natural beast people would more likely have a different word of disgust for them.  Abomination means something that is abhorrent, generally aberrant in some way, like it is malformed, has two heads, giant cancerous growths, things like that.  The simplest definition of the word, ignoring the etymology of it, is disgusting, but the way you used it seems more like you were going for hated, which works alright, but is still the wrong use of the word.



> _...swinging my rapier skillfully slashing the beast..._


The rapier is a stabbing weapon, generally if you slash with them they break.  The rapier was designed as a light weight, fast weapon to pierce armour, generally chain-mail, and slip between plates of heavier armour.



> _I land on its back and waste no time swinging my rapier at its neck and in a stroke of luck hit in between its vertebrae beheading it in one quick swipe._


...See above.
You may want to have him with a long sword or scimitar.  Both are heavy single handed slashing weapons.  Although in this setting I think a scimitar or short sword, something more maneuverable, like a gladius, would work well.  That way the character is mobile and fights in close, which the longsword does not do well in.



> _I draw my rapier quietly...
> ...unsheathing my dagger...
> I slip a hatchet from its sheath...
> I spot another mass to my right and fling a knife...
> ...


This guy is armed to the teeth!  In combat, and hunting, and especially hunting something that dangerous, weight gets you killed.  It just seems horribly unlikely for him to be carrying that many weapons, you might want to tone it down a bit, maybe point out early that he has a set of throwing knives and drop the dagger and axe.



> _A single blade flutters afterglow of the moons slicing the stagnate aura of dread. Armor glitters beams of twilight as figures rush past two newly gouged carcasses marking the broken encirclement. They flicker bits of shattering moonlight as they draw quickly and silently to me. The blades of grass shed what are the starts of dewdrops at even the slightest touch of the warriors as they wade across the grassy opening and form around me._


This part was beautifully written.  Why is the style here so much different from the rest?  It is very imaginative and everything is described with this precise beauty that you don't have in any of the rest of the story.

Last, there needs to be some more physical description.  I personally imagined a pine forest, it fits the close together fighting that seemed more climatic.  But while thinking about what I just read, I can not visualize anything, but a few flashes of movement.  I have no idea what the main character looks like, at all.  Is he ten or fifty years old?  What colour is his hair or eyes?  What kind of armour is he waring?  Also, since you had no descriptions when you explained about the MC removing the womans armour to apply first aid, I was shocked for a moment, I had no idea she was wearing heavy armour.  Hunting requires speed and percsion, something armour removes.  So knowing they were in heavy armour the idea of the character moving around as he was is so very unbelievable.  Please work on descriptions to help set up a scene better.  Also, you stated at the end there were maybe thirty of them; I had no idea.  At the beginning you say it is a hunting party, my mind decided on five or six.  There needs to be some description here, there was just too little and it made the entire scene feel empty.

Another thought.  It is first person, how about a little emotion or thinking?  Whats going through his mind?  How does he feel when the woman gets mauled?
Anyway, hope this has been helpful, I'd love to reread this if you work on those points.


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## JackKnife (Aug 28, 2012)

Artanyis said:


> The rapier is a stabbing weapon, generally if you slash with them they break.  The rapier was designed as a light weight, fast weapon to pierce armour, generally chain-mail, and slip between plates of heavier armour.


Actually, there are different types of rapiers. The most generally accepted definition of a rapier is, as you've said, a stabbing rather than slashing weapon, but there are those that have edges perfectly capable of slashing. I think the German variety is the type.

That said, the rapier is still generally more suited to stabbing than slashing, although some are perfectly capable of both, and you may still want to consider a change of weapon because of it.


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## Artanyis (Aug 29, 2012)

> JackKnife Said:
> Actually, there are different types of rapiers. The most generally  accepted definition of a rapier is, as you've said, a stabbing rather  than slashing weapon, but there are those that have edges perfectly  capable of slashing. I think the German variety is the type.


No, I believe you are confusing Foils for Rapiers.  Yes, a rapier is sometimes bladed on both sides, they can be used for quick slashing motions, but will never do more than surface wounds unless you are skilled / lucky enough to hit a major artery or vein.  The way he described it in the story you would need something heavier than a rapier to handle the slashing, hacking, and cleaving.  As far as the "different versions" of rapiers, what actually changes is the type of hilt and how much of the blade is actually bladed.  Most rapiers use one of the Italian hilts and have only a bladed tip, but there are many variations where the blade comes as far as half to three quarters down.  Some go all the way down, but that weakens the metal, and since they were so thin, that strength at the base was needed for blocking and capturing.  Rapier forms require a lot of movement and stabbing, they are long weapons that rely having more reach due to the length of the weapon and and the wielders arm.

Here, for clarification: Rapier - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
And the Foil: Foil (fencing) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Sorry, I have trained in Quarterstaff, Bo, Han Bo, short sword and shield, spear, spear and shield, naginata, bokken, saber, and a few other more random melee weapons and several forms of Eastern and European Martial Arts including Tae Kwon Do and Russian Systema as the major ones.  If there is one thing I know better than computers, it's medieval weapons.  Also a good friend of mine, actually my best friends girlfriend, uses the rapier, my best friend uses the broad sword or hand-and-half sword (no real difference between the two) and I prefer the quarterstaff.  But point is we have all sparred each other with the various weapons and forms, there is no way to cut off the head of a beast, as described here, with a rapier.  Not unless it was magical or something, like a vorpal rapier might do it...

With a bit more research I think the Swiss degen is probably the best weapon for what you're looking for, it's short for close combat, thin at the tip for stabbing, bladed all the way down for slashing, with a thick base for cutting.  Generally no guard since they were mostly side arms, but might fit the character well I think.  Although generally if we're talking middle ages, and he was a recognized soldier / warrior he would probably carry a longsword or some form of broadsword.  If its Renaissance time period then it would be a rapier and dagger or rapier and dirk.  These weapons were commonly wielded as a set, the shorter blade being used for parries and blocks while the long blade was used for quick thrusting attacks.  Also generally hunting was done with spears, everyone used a spear, nothing more powerful in those time periods as a group of men with long pointy sticks so tightly together that you cant get through.  And I mean real spears, not what TV has turned them into, spears were 8 to 10 feet long.  A lot of people confuse spears for pikes, pikes were actually 10 to 25 feet long, depending on country and usage.  And also often, javelins were confused for spears, most javelins, commonly carried by skirmishers, were only 3 to 6 feet long and almost always had a very heavy tip to make it balance easier for throwing.

I hope I didn't overload you on old weapon information, and I hope it is helpful.


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## Xalor (Aug 29, 2012)

Artanyis said:


> There has got to be a better way of phrasing that, it is clunky and although technically grammatically accurate, it sounds bad every time I read it.  Also I would like some description on them, as to why they are abominations?  Are they only in the one area?  Where they some horrible science / magic / alchemy experiment gone wrong?  If they are a natural beast people would more likely have a different word of disgust for them.  Abomination means something that is abhorrent, generally aberrant in some way, like it is malformed, has two heads, giant cancerous growths, things like that.  The simplest definition of the word, ignoring the etymology of it, is disgusting, but the way you used it seems more like you were going for hated, which works alright, but is still the wrong use of the word.



I see what you mean....It will be noted and changed.



Artanyis said:


> The rapier is a stabbing weapon, generally if you slash with them they break.  The rapier was designed as a light weight, fast weapon to pierce armour, generally chain-mail, and slip between plates of heavier armour.
> 
> 
> ...See above.
> You may want to have him with a long sword or scimitar.  Both are heavy single handed slashing weapons.  Although in this setting I think a scimitar or short sword, something more maneuverable, like a gladius, would work well.  That way the character is mobile and fights in close, which the longsword does not do well in.



I should explain.. I meant for the rapier to be an easy way to say a thin sword of medium length. if I start throwing words around like a Swiss saber(witch is pretty close to what I meant)  the average human isn't gonna know what I'm talking about.. that being said I'll take the word rapier out and describe just describe the sword to avoid further misunderstandings. and I had planed on the sword breaking shortly as thin sword typicality do....



Artanyis said:


> This guy is armed to the teeth!  In combat, and hunting, and especially hunting something that dangerous, weight gets you killed.  It just seems horribly unlikely for him to be carrying that many weapons, you might want to tone it down a bit, maybe point out early that he has a set of throwing knives and drop the dagger and axe.



To clarify the MC has a set of throwing knifes, a light sword, a dagger, and a smallish multipurpose hatchet. The MC also wears leather armor if that helps. 



Artanyis said:


> This part was beautifully written.  Why is the style here so much different from the rest?  It is very imaginative and everything is described with this precise beauty that you don't have in any of the rest of the story.



I fear if I write like so all the time it will go over some of the readers heads....but I'm still trying to figure a good balance out.



Artanyis said:


> Last, there needs to be some more physical description.  I personally imagined a pine forest, it fits the close together fighting that seemed more climatic.  But while thinking about what I just read, I can not visualize anything, but a few flashes of movement.  I have no idea what the main character looks like, at all.  Is he ten or fifty years old?  What colour is his hair or eyes?  What kind of armour is he waring?  Also, since you had no descriptions when you explained about the MC removing the womans armour to apply first aid, I was shocked for a moment, I had no idea she was wearing heavy armour.  Hunting requires speed and percsion, something armour removes.  So knowing they were in heavy armour the idea of the character moving around as he was is so very unbelievable.  Please work on descriptions to help set up a scene better.  Also, you stated at the end there were maybe thirty of them; I had no idea.  At the beginning you say it is a hunting party, my mind decided on five or six.  There needs to be some description here, there was just too little and it made the entire scene feel empty.



You are right about the hunting party thing....I will try to find a way to word it better. I am purposely avoiding any details on the MC. It is interesting that you think the MC is a male however. and I will work on the physical setting some too.



Artanyis said:


> Another thought.  It is first person, how about a little emotion or thinking?  Whats going through his mind?  How does he feel when the woman gets mauled?
> Anyway, hope this has been helpful, I'd love to reread this if you work on those points.



I was trying to reflect that the MC keeps a cool head the entire time the bloodbath occurs. The MC is highly skilled, trained, experienced, and fit. I tried to reflect this in the writing. It seemed I failed. also the setting is something like if the middle ages had continued for 1000 more years; so it is feasible that they would be able to have strong light metal.
Thank you for your comment and time. I will try to work in the changes.


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## Terry D (Aug 29, 2012)

Xalor said:


> I fear if I write like so all the time it will go over some of the readers heads....but I'm still trying to figure a good balance out.



Don't write down to your readers.  That will show in your writing and make it weak.  Always assume your readers are at least as smart as you are, you are not going to 'go over anyone's head'.


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## Artanyis (Aug 29, 2012)

> _I should explain.. I meant for the rapier to be an easy way to say a  thin sword of medium length. if I start throwing words around like a  Swiss saber(witch is pretty close to what I meant)  the average human  isn't gonna know what I'm talking about.. that being said I'll take the  word rapier out and describe just describe the sword to avoid further  misunderstandings. and I had planed on the sword breaking shortly as  thin sword typicality do...._


Why not just say saber?  Everyone has seen a cavalry saber or at least the dress saber that marine officers carry when in dress uniform.  I think just describing it as a saber would be the quickest way to everyone's mind.  Either that, or make up a word, describe it as you like and have a weapon that never really existed but fits the setting, like star trek did with the Bat'leth.

Sorry about that last post I made about the weapons, it's something that I am a bit passionate about and I went a bit over the top there on what you needed to know and how much I should say.  It is your story, write it as feels best to you.


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## JackKnife (Aug 29, 2012)

Artanyis said:


> No, I believe you are confusing Foils for Rapiers.  Yes, a rapier is sometimes bladed on both sides, they can be used for quick slashing motions, but will never do more than surface wounds unless you are skilled / lucky enough to hit a major artery or vein.  The way he described it in the story you would need something heavier than a rapier to handle the slashing, hacking, and cleaving.  As far as the "different versions" of rapiers, what actually changes is the type of hilt and how much of the blade is actually bladed.  Most rapiers use one of the Italian hilts and have only a bladed tip, but there are many variations where the blade comes as far as half to three quarters down.  Some go all the way down, but that weakens the metal, and since they were so thin, that strength at the base was needed for blocking and capturing.  Rapier forms require a lot of movement and stabbing, they are long weapons that rely having more reach due to the length of the weapon and and the wielders arm.



No, I get you there. Rapiers are much more suited to stabbing than slashing, but they can slash and many do have double edges. Nonetheless, I did and do concede that the rapier is a poor choice if you're just slashing with it.

Broadswords are way cooler anyway.


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## Xalor (Aug 30, 2012)

Terry D said:


> Don't write down to your readers.  That will show in your writing and make it weak.  Always assume your readers are at least as smart as you are, you are not going to 'go over anyone's head'.


I meant that I want it to be read so that while descriptive, it is not hard to understand.  


Artanyis said:


> Why not just say saber?  Everyone has seen a cavalry saber or at least the dress saber that marine officers carry when in dress uniform.  I think just describing it as a saber would be the quickest way to everyone's mind.  Either that, or make up a word, describe it as you like and have a weapon that never really existed but fits the setting, like star trek did with the Bat'leth.
> 
> Sorry about that last post I made about the weapons, it's something that I am a bit passionate about and I went a bit over the top there on what you needed to know and how much I should say.  It is your story, write it as feels best to you.


Dont be sorry. You've been very informative and helpful. I have edited it with some changes...read it!


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## Artanyis (Aug 30, 2012)

I like the changes, a little extra description in a couple spots and a couple changes in use of words; it is quite good, I can't wait to read the next part


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## Xalor (Sep 5, 2012)

The rough draft of chapter one is complete and updated. I would love to know all of your thoughts.  I am still developing the first paragraph to try and connect it to the second and i feel I use "as" entirely to much. Also, is the writing in the second half up to par with the first? i tried to maintain the descriptive writing. other than that feel free to rip it apart.
Thanks, 

Xalor


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## Rellek (Sep 5, 2012)

This first sentence read kinda clunky, at least to my eyes. "The sun falls entering the land into perpetual twilight, and cicadas hum distantly as you enter deeper forest."
I believe something like "The sun falls across the land, sending it into twilight. (Why perpetual? Is the sun not going to rise the next day?) You can hear the cicadas hum as you come across a forest." Reads a bit more natural, no?


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## Artanyis (Sep 7, 2012)

> _The sun falls entering the land into perpetual twilight, and cicadas hum  distantly as you enter deeper forest_


I have to agree, the new opening line doesn't flow well...  Maybe break it up more, let it read slower, something like:
"The sun falls, entering the land into a perpetual twilight.  Cicadas hum in the distance as we enter the forest."
Also, the 'you' in line one doesn't fit the perspective, at the very least change that to 'we' and it should help.


> _. Snakes slither, rodents scurry,  owls hoot, frogs croak, bugs buzz, for voices mix unrecognizable as the  nocturnal awake._


Okay, we get the idea, lots of critters... maybe cut that down a bit, usually three examples is all you need unless its an actual argument.
I also don't know what you meant by 'for' and the rest also doesn't settle well for me... I think I understand what you were saying there but you might want to reword it some how.


> _Goosebumps rise when cool breeze kisses exposed skin;  and wet leaves glare refracting the light above creating a mirage of  death for spiders’ webs._


Although technically correct, as far as modern English tone goes, either drop the ; or the 'and' also place a comma after glare and after above, as that is a descriptive phrase. There should also be an 'a' before cool.
"Goosebumps rise when a cool breeze kisses exposed skin and wet leaves glare, refracting the light above, creating a mirage of death for spiders' webs."

And now to skip what I have already commented to much on, to the bottom!



> _Clouds break allowing the largest moon to illuminate the world below if only for a moment._


There should be a comma at least after 'below' but technically there should be one after 'break' since "allowing the largest moon to illuminate the world below" is a descriptive phrase modifying the action of "[The] Clouds brake if only for a moment." But it isn't necessary since you could make "[The] Clouds break allowing the largest moon to illuminate the world below" as the action phrase and "if only for a moment" a modifying phrase.



> _Massive paws push off the earth tossing wet grass sparkling in the limelight like glitter as a Ravuge breaks formation on all fours towards me._


Again, you need commas.  After 'grass' and 'glitter' to separate the action from the description.  You could also add one after 'limelight' since there are two modifying descriptions.



> _I jerk the sword out revealing its broken useless shape._


Comma after 'broken' and if you desire, after 'useless'.  I would also like a little more description on how the sword broke; speaking from experience, when a weapon breaks during a fight, it is always a surprise and you tend to notice pretty precisely how it broke.  Years later and I still remember the approximate length of the split from when my first staff shattered during a sparring match.



> _Asa’s windswept waist long chestnut brown hair flows freely as her eyes ever search for even the slightest movement;_


Commas, several needed here, also not sure about 'ever' what did you mean there?  Maybe: "Asa's windswept, waist long, chestnut brown hair flows freely as her eyes, ever watchful, search for even the slightest movement;"



> _...a short statured man in standard plate armor holds a spear and shield._


Nothing wrong here, I just love spear and shield 
This will likely be a favorite character of mine if he survives your story.



> _...as the sound of blades sinking into flesh, triple checking the dead ravuges, fills the night._


Not sure about the middle there, it just doesn't sound right.  Maybe: "...as the sound of blades sinking in to flesh fills the night as they check the ravuges are dead."  It may just be me, but the triple checking just doesn't sound right.



> _I unsheathe my dagger; and prick my thumb with tip drawing warm blood._


You don't need the semicolon here as you are describing a singe thought or fluid action.  There should also be a 'the' before 'tip' and a comma after 'tip.  "I unsheathe my dagger and prick my thumb with the tip, drawing warm blood."



> _I place my thumb on the bottom of the rune filled circle written on the parchment; and whisper,_


Again, you don't need the semicolon as he is doing this all at the same time.  You would use a semicolon to separate thoughts or separate actions.  Since he is doing this together the semicolon is not needed.



> _The feeling that someone sinister is at work behind ravuges’ attack; for they will be back, whoever it is, and they won’t be alone._


I don't follow you here; who is coming back?  The ravuges or someone sinister? Or together?


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## Artanyis (Sep 7, 2012)

Sorry, I dissected that more than I probably should have; or at least more than you probably wanted.  Something you might want to think about more is comma usage.  You can use commas to greatly manipulate a sentence.  Two of my favorite examples, the panda joke: eats, shoots, and leaves, and this: Oxford Comma.

Now there is a whole lot more you can do with commas, they allow you to separate action from description, insert descriptions, insert actions, and create lists.  Simply by where you place a comma you can manipulate what is part of the action and what is part of the description.

Here's an example:
"I ran through the forest, breathing hard as I fell to the ground, panting."
In this one I am running though the forest panting, that is the action, but I inserted the descriptive action of falling to the ground breathing hard.
or
"I ran thought the forest breathing hard, as I fell to the ground panting."
In this one I am running though the forest breathing hard as the action, and added the description of me falling to the ground panting.  Simply by changing the placement of the comma I change the meaning of the sentence.  Admittedly in this example not a lot of change but I cant seem to think of a better one at the moment.


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## Jagunco (Sep 8, 2012)

So mate is this going to be a novel attempt?


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## Jeko (Sep 8, 2012)

Hi Xalor,

I'll do my usualthing of focusing on the first few bits.



> The sun falls entering the land into perpetual twilight, and cicadas hum  distantly as you enter deeper forest. Snakes slither, rodents scurry,  owls hoot, frogs croak, bugs buzz, for voices mix unrecognizable as the  nocturnal awake. Goosebumps rise when cool breeze kisses exposed skin;  and wet leaves glare refracting the light above creating a mirage of  death for spiders’ webs.



My first thoughts:

1) Good lexis
2) Too much good lexis

The first picture I get is thicker than a Mcdonalds milkshake, yet I'm being told about bright sights and a symphony of sounds. I wan to enjoy the image, but I can't. It doesn't sit right, doesn't kick things off very well.



> The sun falls entering the land into perpetual twilight, and cicadas hum  distantly as you enter deeper forest.



I'd definitely have a comma after 'falls':

_The sun falls, entering the land into perpetual twilight, and cicadas hum  distantly as you enter deeper forest_.

'enter deeper forest' is wrong, unless Deeper Forest is a place. If it isn't, I'm stealing it - it's a lovely name.

I'm assuming you mean 'deeper into the forest'.

Also, perpetual twilight doesn't make sense. Perpetual means never ending, yet the sun is moving.

_The sun falls, entering the land into twilight, and cicadas hum  distantly as you enter deeper into the forest_.

For rhythm, I would add something other than 'perpetual' before twilight.

The distant hum of cicadas (love cicadas... haven't read a sinlge book with them in yet) really helps the feeling that I am going into the distance.

The use of 2nd person is weird. There isn't a since other 'you' in the extract.

Snakes slither, rodents scurry,  owls hoot, frogs croak, bugs buzz, for voices mix unrecognizable as the  nocturnal awake.

The last bit of that needs attention. It doesn't work or make much sense.



> Goosebumps rise when cool breeze kisses exposed skin;  and wet leaves glare refracting the light above creating a mirage of  death for spiders’ webs.



Too dense. The semicolon doesn't work with the 'and', and the lack of punctuation makes everything come together into one big blob of words that can't be grasped, and is lost.

Keep working at this, definitely. With some work the picture you create initially will stick very well.


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## Tigerbunny (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Xalor!  Absolutely love your imagery!   A few suggestions for your first sentence?  

As sun falls, the land surrounding ___________ enters into perpetual twilight.  Cicadas hum  distantly as I enter the forest.  Deeper, snakes slither, rodents scurry,  owls hoot, frogs croak, bugs buzz -- their voice's mixing unrecognizable as the  nocturnal in them awaits nightfall. Goosebumps rise when cool breezes kiss exposed skin  and wet leaves glare refracted light above spiders' webs -- their spun carcases death's mirage, exposed for all to see.  

Wow.  Love it, love it, love it!  
 




- Tigerbunny


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## Bigboy (Sep 9, 2012)

I thought i might put in a suggestion. By the way i imagined it, there seemed to be quite a few scenes where there is a blade or an axe wafting through the air ending up with immediate killing. My suggestion is that you make the Ravuge a bit difficult to kill if they are veteran predators as you project them to be. Maybe you should let the hunters have a few arrows with them, flying sabers add some appeal if they're mixed with air splitting arrows (If the Ravuges are weakened with arrows and the sliced through with a saber, it makes readers like me visualize it as something that's really happening ). Then again this is just my suggestion, the story looks great and I'm eager to read more. Good job!.


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## Xalor (Sep 10, 2012)

*@Artanyis *Thank you! you have been extremely helpful in this process of editing. I refreshed my knowledge of punctuation, so it should be better. I rewrote the opening and attempted to apply ur suggestions. Also I added a bit to the end. reread and tell me what you think. thanks again.

to everyone else: Thank you all for your comments, for they have helped me, in one way or another, to improve this piece. I would love for you all to reread and to hear all of your thoughts. ch. 2 is coming soon... I hope. XD


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## Artanyis (Sep 10, 2012)

reread and loving it.  A couple things at the end you might want to look at:


> _Someone, a magi like me most likely, is controlling them, but the knowledge, one must have of the firsts’ language to do so, is secret and powerful._


You might want to split this line up a bit.  You are throwing a lot of concepts into a single sentence; it's not a good idea.  So there are at four major points in that line. 1: the main character is a magi, assumed since he was using magic a moment ago, but clarified. 2: the enemy is probably a magi also, who is controlling the beasts. 3: This requires a secret, powerful language, the Firsts' Language.  There is too much information here for a single sentence.  A sentence should be a single thought.  Therefore you really should split this into at least two sentences, probably three.  I would also like you to expound on The Firsts' Language, that sounds cool, but I can understand if you want to save that for later.

Honestly, the quick and dirty way to fix that line is to put a period after 'controlling them'.
Or something like:
"Someone, a magi like me most likely, is controlling them.  But the knowledge one must have to do so, the Firsts' Language, is secret and powerful."
I would recommend expanding that line by adding more sentences, but it depends on how you want to tell the story.



> _This situation may already be beyond me in the current situation._


...the situation here is repetitive.  You are basically using the word situation to describe the situation, you might want to clarify that a bit; are you referring to the death of so many hunters?  Or the fact that there is a suspected evil magi out there?  Or is he just not a powerful enough magi to handle the possible bad guy?

I am really looking forward to chapter 2


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## Xalor (Sep 13, 2012)

I'll be adding to this as I go on, but forgive my recent delay getting this started because this was origanally a short story and I'm gearing it now to be a standalone novel. i would like more of your impression rather than the grammer deal; Although grammer nazis are welcome, but please forgive typos as this is a first draft. I think my dailoge is bad, so I usaully avoid it like the plague. So any comment regarding how to improve would help tremendously. Other than that feel free to leave a comment on wethier you liked it or not and why. Thanks for the feed back
Xalor,

and as always, Enjoy.

You can find chapters 1.5-2.0 here:
http://www.writingforums.com/writer...viously-wundirfall-chapters-1-5-2-0-8-5k.html


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## JackKnife (Sep 13, 2012)

> There I began assess and treat, with magic if possible, the various injuries.




There I began to*



> or there injuries are too severe to be healed by my level of magic; However, I manage to save



their injuries*

De-capitalize however or turn this into a longer sentence by using but.

'...or their injuries are too severe to be healed by my level of magic, but I manage to save...'




> “We have to send someone back to Vanf; we can sit here like this much longer,” Eays said.



Break the sentences up.

"We have to send someone back to Vanf. We can sit here like this much longer," Eays said.

That's all I can throw at you for now since I have to head back to work, but I'll check the rest later on.


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## BrandonSparkman (Nov 16, 2012)

I very much enjoyed how descriptive you were, not only in the beginning, but throughout the entire piece.

I also think that this particular story would be very different if it were not in first person; I feel that since you wrote it in this way, and since you used such descriptions, I could connect to this story much more than if it were in third person. I could almost feel the cool breeze, and it was quite the experience. I thank you for the wonderful read. While nobody has a perfect piece, I think that all I could point out has been already. It was wonderful.


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## Caragula (Nov 16, 2012)

Some thoughts.

The first paragraph is still disconnected from the prose.  For scene setting you're telling me about the forest down to the scale of an individual moth and, as with elements of the second paragraph, I think there's a general criticism that you're not being more clever about how you can weld your descriptions into the action and events.
----------

They are onto us.

The long, heavy claws of the Ravuges shred the bark off the trees and rip up the soil as the pack races towards us through the forest.  Predator becomes prey.  Now they slow, circling us beyond our sight, off in the shadows under the moonlight dappled dewy leaves, scratching out their attack pattern.

As giant as these lion like creatures were, we were twenty strong...

-----------

In this treatment of the opening I'm covering the kinds of thing that I would do to achieve what I think your intent is with the same scene.

I've tried to set the nighttime forest scene up but folded it into the events, I've chosen less description to give the narrative pace, in particular I've tried to really grab the reader by the throat and draw them into a dangerous and life threatening situation.  I've replicated your use of the claws to describe the sound of their approach and I've got a little bit heavy on the moonlight leaves description, but only mean to illustrate how elements of your description can be folded into the narrator's relaying of how they're making ready to pounce.

I've also betrayed my own preference for making every sentence earn its place and carry the narrative where possible.  I appreciate this is a matter of taste.


I won't continue on unless you feel this is of value as your other reviewers have made some splendid points on the body of the piece.  I wanted to offer thoughts that I don't think have been expressed, apologies if I'm repeating others.


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## dlaurent (Nov 25, 2012)

I like the story, very engaging. I feel that most of your imagery is brilliant and really draws me in however some phrasing and expressions i'm not sure of...

"The sound of their long horrendous claws digging deep across bark is foreign to the soundtrack of night" 

(soundtrack or backdrop?)

Also 

"I drop and weave swinging my saber skillfully slashing the beast all the while avoiding its massive swinging claws." 
(all the while?) Personally I think all you need is while. Even - "I dodge it's giant sweeping claws, slashing the  beast's neck skillfully with my saber."  

What I like most about the story is your balance of imagery action and exposition. Neither one seems to overwhelm the other, which to me at least is a sign of good writing. I would argue along the lines of some of the others that perhaps yes more emotion could be shown, not during fight but maybe later in the clearing. It is often a difficult thing to achieve, because your beginning has such momentum (which is great) but to have your character constantly emote I feel would stifle it. Perhaps something like - 

"Waves of anger and guilt sweep over me as I replay in my head that piercing scream. She was not ready to join. dammit. Deep down I had known it. I turn my attention to the inventory in a effort to forget."

Anything more I think would interfere with the action sequence. 

Once again, very impressed with your piece. Keep doing what you are doing     :adoration:


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## Xalor (Dec 2, 2012)

@caraluga and dlaurent thank you both for your input.  I agree the second paragraph need to be rewritten, so I rearranged the information around and made it flow faster. I would like to see if you like the opening better now. Thank you for your insight.
Xalor


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## cazann34 (Dec 2, 2012)

Xalor said:


> More or less the finished version of ch. 1. Thank you all in advance for your thoughts and comments. Note some names may be changed for this version.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I really liked this, there's very few battles scenes submitted on this site so it was a breath of flesh air.

I took some time and worked on your piece and I hope some of it helps you in your pacing, punctuation and word choice but if you find it offensive feel free to ignore it all. I'm no expect by any means and I'm like the others on the site, I'm still learning.


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## Xalor (Dec 3, 2012)

@cazann34 -- Thank you for your very helpful input.  I reedited it applying some of your suggestions. However, please understand that i have been working hard to ensure this piece, as first person action, stays in present tense.  I also rewrote the beginning, which still needs some work, but I like it better than the last one: This one i think flows better and is not as disconnected.  Also Dew forms, in coastal area where the humidity is higher and it gets colder faster, from around 11 o'clock to 1 in the morning. So just because dew is formed doesn't necessarily mean it is near morning.  I would love for you to reread and tell me what you think.


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## Michael Tea (Dec 9, 2012)

This was a very good chapter, meticulously written and very enjoyable to read.  A few notes: 

- You have a knack for making images come to life. Work on it! This is something that's neither common nor easy to achieve, so don't lose it, dude! 

- The present-tense-first-person was a very nice touch, but consider whether you can keep writing a novel-length story in this style. After all it's rather more difficult to write than the cookie-cutter past-tense-third-person. I don't think the story would lose much of its glamor in third person POV anyway.

- Also, don't be afraid to get a bit eloquent. The few times you let your pen keyboard go wild the result was very aesthetically pleasing and it didn't come off as tacky, forced or generally "purple". 

- The way you used the phrase "smoke and mirrors" makes me wonder whether it's meant to be a motto/arc phrase for your story. Consider a 'deceptive appearances' subtheme for your story if it is. Either way, I must say it was a very powerful one-liner.

So overall, bravo! :applause:


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## Xalor (Dec 10, 2012)

@Michael Tea - Thank you for the encouragement! I'm about 20,000 words in and I'm not even 1/3 though yet, and writing it never gets old.  For some reason I think this piece speaks more in first person, more personal maybe? But I'm sticking with the tense and POV for now. Smoke and mirrors was just a random line...Although now that I think about it, it fits the book very well as a sub-theme. I may add it in a couple more places. XD Thank you!


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## Ariel (Dec 10, 2012)

The sun falls, cloaking the land into habitual twilight, and cicadas hum distantly as we delve farther into the forest. Goosebumps rise when a cool breeze kisses expose skin, and the woods becomes deafening as the nocturnal awake. Without the sun’s heat the forest cools, and the once humid air condenses, building moisture on every exposed surface, causing the forest to become a show of subtly shifting light. Wet leaves glare, refracting the moonlight above, creating a mirage for a spider’s freshly spun web; a Luna Moth, by happenchance, flitters into the inescapable death trap, and below a shrub rustles as a fox dashes after a rabbit in a deathly game of tag. The forest is completely naive of the approach of something much more sinister.

My ears perk as the sound of footfall approaches just beyond my sight. The situation has reversed itself: the beasts we _were_ hunting are now hunting us. The scratching of jagged claws against the tall sender pines is foreign to the soundtrack of the night and signals that that they are near. My eyes jerk from one point in the darkness to another, following each new alien sound, yet they stay just beyond the darkness. A hand circles in the air, a signals to move together. More footfall approaches us from behind, but they are from no beast; five new warriors join our rank of twenty, a joint force of hunters and guards from the city of Vanf. The scratching intensifies; they are very close now. My eyes return to scanning the darkness, and I spot a silhouette _have appears (that appears?)_ in a moonbeam like spotlight _(I think your metaphor is incomplete, might phrase better as “spotlighted in a moonbeam”)._ A black lion_-_bear hybrid like creature stands upright, its teeth glowing unnaturally white, and its eyes mad with blood, a Ravuge: one of the races of unnatural creatures. It fades back into the darkness. _¶_We hunt them every full double moon; as it is necessary for a hunt to keep the Ravuges numbers down and, therefore, the roads and the city of Vanf safe. The scratches increased in intensity, and grow louder in all directions as we move forward into a half-clearing. They surround us now. I draw my saber quietly dragging its_ strait_ _(straight)_ form along so that it teases the tips of velvet grass. The group halts and forms a protective circle when the forest becomes eerily quiet. Suddenly, a bush rustles towards the northern end of the circle, so some the inexperienced guards in the group loosen up and move to investigate the noise.

“It’s a trap!” One elder hunter calls out._¶_ As if on cue, several monstrous dark figures rush out of the vegetation. A mix of roars and screams fill the once stagnate night air. My attention is drawn to the dark looming outline in front of me. I drop and weave_;_ swinging my saber skillfully slashing _at_ the beast while avoiding its massive swinging claws.

A distinctive_ly_ female scream cuts the air. I smoothly circle to the front of the beast and slash at its eyes, and in the same movement back around severing its calves causing it to fall forward, paralyzing it temporarily. I take the moment to search through the chaos to confirm my fears. The moonlight illuminates a monstrous figure hovering over a bloody female body. It is Sasha; one of the two female guards from Vanf who have the honor of joining the hunting party. Turning around, I unsheathe my dagger, and thrust it into the back of the neck of the already stunned ravuge, severing its spinal cord, killing it instantly. Already on the balls of my feet I swing around and dash through chaos at Sasha. Her assailant, who is in the process of dragging her limp body away, releases her and turns to face me as I approach. The ravuge crouches down on all four legs and rushes me with its jaw stretching in preparation for ripping my bones and flesh to shreds. I continue without hesitation and leap just as the beast enters my _saber’s_ range. _I twist and contort while I gild through the air narrowly escaping its horrific jaws. I land on its back and waste no time swinging my saber at its neck, and in a stroke of luck slice between its vertebrae beheading it in one quick swipe_ _(You might think about breaking this up into several sentences to maintain the quick flow of battle—currently I had to slow down to read it and it made the action seem slow)_. The beast collapses with a thud, and its head rolls a few feet away. I drag myself away and over to Sasha.

I check her vitals; despite how bad she looks, her pulse is strong, but her breathing is shallow and weak. I search her body for an immediate injuries and find that the left side of her face is badly bruised; her chest and back-plate armor are pierced and bent on the upper right side where the beast had clamped down to drag her. I lay my now blood decorated saber to the side, draw my dagger, and _somehow_ _(this character is using a dagger, there is no somehow to cutting with it_) cut the leather straps holding her armor together. Then I carefully removed her from her armor that was serving as a death trap. I pull some cloth out of a first aid pouch on my belt and wrap her shoulder with it.


I grab my saber and scan the area. The small opening is sprinkled with mangled corpses both human and beast. I spot a group of ravuges circling, like a hungry flock of vultures, the last few survivors on the far end of the opening, but before I have the chance to move, a rustling in the vegetation causes me to freeze. I slip a small hatchet from its sheath and raise it coiling my arm behind my head. Releasing the built up tension, the axe gilds smoothly from my hand slicing end over end through the air and sinks into its intended victims’ skull killing it silently. I spot a mass, limping from a spear imbedded in its side, to my right, and I fling a throwing knife, causing it to charge in my direction; a second throwing knife finds its mark putting the ravuge out of its misery.


The air grows still and eerily quiet as I glance back to the lone group at the opposite edge of the clearing. I whistle causing the circling ravuges to stop and slowly twist to face the noise. The world slows as everything becomes vivid, sharp and clear.



A single blade _flutters afterglow of the moons slicing the stagnate aura_ _(I don’t know what you’re trying to say here) _of dread as two Ravages are slain. Armor _glitters (glitters evokes the idea that the armor somehow shimmers or moves—I would try glints)_ beams of twilight as figures rush past two newly gouged carcasses marking the broken encirclement. _Their armor flickers bits of shattering moonlight as they draw quickly and silently to me_ _(You’ve already established thi_s_)._ The blades of grass shed what are the starts of dewdrops at even the slightest touch of the warriors as they wade across the grassy opening and form around me.


Five? Only five left other than me?! The trance is broken by the utter shock of the question echoing in my mind. I cannot comprehend that out of the twenty-five of us that went out only six remain in fighting shape. They set up a perimeter without uttering a word. Wait, I know these five. I walk over and fill a spot left open for me in the circle. The ravuges had already begun their encirclement of death about twenty steps out. I hold my saber out at each beast slowly passing and creeping closer. Each ravuges’ red eyes search for signs of weakness as they pass. They are ten paces and closing. I ready another throwing knife in my left hand as I wait for the first unlucky beast to make its move.

A subtle breath turns heavy as new winds whistle across the landscape. The world of _nightlight (different but I like what it evokes—seems serene—perhaps that feeling is out of place in the midst of a fight scene?)_ dulls as looming clouds quiet the once radiant starry sky. A sense of horror creeps onto the land as twilight fades to unknown blackness. My feet shift unconsciously fighting the terror sinking deep into my bones brought by uncertainty of the dark. Red eyes full of rage glow, like rubies, which silently circle creating a trance of impending death. Clouds break, allowing the largest moon to illuminate the world below, if only for a moment. My heighten_ed_ senses slow the suddenly lit world. Massive paws push off the earth tossing wet grass, sparkling in the limelight, like confetti at some grand jubilee, as a Ravuge breaks formation and charges on all fours towards me. I smoothly sidestep left flinging the knife from my off-hand; the sleek curved blade sails through the air, and sinks into the charging ravuge’s shoulder causing its left front leg to fail. The _strait_ _ straight _form of my saber shimmers as it slices through the outstretching right paw that now spits bloods from the newly _dislocate (I am not aware that veins can be dislocated)_ veins. I thrust into the beast’s side hitting a rib, but the pressure changes as the top third of the sword shatters from the connection. _The beast recoils from the blow, rolling to its side, and tries to regain its footing; an arrow whizzes and connects with one of the beast’s hind legs, and it falls to the earth with a thud (Same as above.  You might try breaking this into shorter sentences)._ I walk over to the beast, prop my leg against its heaving chest, and struggle to thrust what is left of my saber farther into the howling ravuge’s chest until the jagged tip reaches its heart.


I jerk the sword out revealing its broken, useless shape. My eyes dart to the right. A child’s jigsaw puzzle _(this is one jigsaw puzzle I would not let my children play with!) _made of butchered ravuges is strewn before a massive blood splattered claymore. Behind the behemoth of a sword in a full blown steel suit_e_ _(suit—suite is a group of rooms_) of armor, with the exception of the helmet, is one of the three captains of the guard; Eays. A distinct yelp shifts my focus left to find a young man, in brownish color light armor, plunging a long sword into the chest of a whimpering ravuge. Shou is his name, and in a short staccato movement he pulls the blade from the beast. I turn my body so that the remaining three come into view. Opposite of me on the south side, and more towards the center of the group than the rest, stands a beautiful menacing female figure, Asa. Asa’s windswept, waist long, chestnut brown hair flows freely _(I’m being nitpicky but it is obvious you don’t have long hair.  It gets into your eyes.  It’s hard to fight with it and it would be an easy handle for anything to grab and drag her with—I know this is fantasy and the female character with long flowing hair is a basic) _as her eyes, ever watchful, search for even the slightest movement; her fingers poise, on a half drawn bow’s string, ready to let a deadly arrow fly precisely to its mark. Left of her, a short man in light armor holds a halberd and two sheathed dirks at his waist, and to the right of Asa, on the southern side of the group, a short man—a bit shorter than the man on the left—in standard plate armor holds a spear and a shield in the shape of a coffin; they are Dubane and Rakue of the Dunob family. I look so different compared to them: wearing old tattered, leather dress armor, a black clay mask with white teardrops around the eye-holes, a belt sagging at my waist, and physically weaponless.


The moment passes and the world plunges yet again into pitch black. The thumps of paws softly landing on the grass quietly fade into the distance. The sound of the muffled footfall completely dissipates by the time the lazy clouds clear the moons, and light returns to the dreadful scene. I kneel, wipe the fresh blood off the blade on the moist grass, and sheath the broken saber. My hand reaches to the medical pouch on my belt, and pulls out a notebook and four pins. Flipping through the pages I find the parchment, rip it out, and pin it to the ground. I struggle to pull my left glove off as the sound of blades sinking into flesh, finishing off resilient ravuges, fills the night. I unsheathe my dagger, and prick my thumb with the tip, drawing warm blood. I place my thumb on the bottom of the rune filled circle written on the parchment, and whisper, “Fáthḱ-suhkˈ zhatum”.


The paper glows neon green as the black inscribed runes start to turn ember red. The air stills before exploding in an outward whirlwind. The burst of air subsides, and in its place a steady, dull hum confirms the magic is creating a force field that surrounds the clearing.


I exhale letting a sigh gently cross my lips, and try to swallow the feeling of dread growing inside my chest. I have never seen a group of ravuge of this size naturally, nor had them retreat after they have attacked. Someone, most likely a mage, is controlling them. The knowledge one must have of the firsts’ language to do so is powerful and unknown to me, even as a Magi. This situation, with so many dead and the fact that I am weaponless, may be beyond me with my limited capabilities as a Magi. The mage will be back before dawn, and he or she will not be alone.


The better part of the next hour was spent collecting the bodies, or what was left of them, and transferring them to a treeless section of the clearing where the grass was shorter. There I began to assess and treat, with magic if possible, the various injuries. Unfortunately, I did not have the adequate medical supplies, or their injuries are too severe to be healed by my level of magic; nevertheless I manage to save five out of the sixteen. The others keep themselves busy by collecting all the arms and tools from what is left of the incapacitated in a pile.


I begin to lay out everything usable I have left: a dagger, thirteen pieces of cubed half foot notebook paper, a piece of black chalk, and the two small throwing knifes I salvaged. The realization that I had nothing feels suffocating, so I undo the leather strapping of my mask and lay it to the side. I take deep breaths, trying to allow myself to think, when a hand pats my shoulder, “We have to send someone back to Vanf. We can't sit here much longer,” Eays said.


“None of you alone could make it back to Vanf alive,” I utter, “Even if you made it past the beasts. There is a mage out there,” I signal towards the woods with my hand, “controlling the beasts.”


“Think he’ll show?”


“No doubt,” I look down to what is left in front of me, “but I don’t have much to go on.”


My experienced mind, trained over hundreds of years for constant battle, begins to race. Insight occurs as I stare at the bleak materials, and my mind begins to weigh the pros and cons of each idea. I finally settle on one with the most versatile response that still gives me a much needed advantage. I jump to my feet without saying a word and begin to walk away.


“Care to fill me in,” Eays calls out slyly.


“Smoke and mirrors,” I sarcastically call back.


“Smoke and mirrors,” Eays echoes under his breath, and scoffs lightly at the remark.

_This has real potential.  I like the descriptions and how they seem fresh—especially the phrase “a_ _subtle breath turns heavy as new winds whistle across the landscape.” I want to know more about the characters and the world just from this bit.  Other than what I have marked there are a few problems with tenses, run-on sentences or sentences that are just too long and paragraphs that are just never-ending.  Breaking up your paragraphs and parsing down the description in battle will help it to read smoother and make it easier to tackle.  _
_Also, for the first two thirds of this I wasn’t sure how to imagine the character—at the end I still don’t know the character’s name.  This is a serious oversight.  I should know this character’s name.  As is, I just don’t care if he lives or dies—there is nothing for me to identify with, no reason for me to be invested._


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## Ariel (Dec 10, 2012)

This has real potential.  I like the descriptions and how they seem fresh—especially the phrase “a subtle breath turns heavy as new winds whistle across the landscape.” I want to know more about the characters and the world just from this bit.  There are a few problems with tenses--i think present-past may serve you better--run-on sentences or sentences that are just too long and paragraphs that are just never-ending.  Breaking up your paragraphs and parsing down the description in battle will help it to read smoother and make it easier to tackle.  
Also, for the first two thirds of this I wasn’t sure how to imagine the character—at the end I still don’t know the character’s name.  This is a serious oversight.  I should know this character’s name.  As is, I just don’t care if he lives or dies—there is nothing for me to identify with, no reason for me to be invested.

For examples on writing great action in first person try reading some Kim Harrison.  It's a bit chick sci-fi but it reads well.

Also, so you know: strait is a body of water.  Straight is the word you want.

Edit:  I had some comments within the story and some punctuation markers but it didn't format correctly.


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