# Scores: November 2021 LM



## SueC (Nov 30, 2021)

​​​*Scores*​​*Author*​*Title*​*SueC*​*Vranger*​*Kegan Thompson*​*Non Serviam*​*totals*​*Status*​1​PiperofYork​*Enough*​*17*​*17*​*16.75*​*16.5*​*16.81*​*2*​2​Lawless​*Somebody Knew Too Much*​* 
15*​* 
16*​* 
13*​* 
15.5*​* 
14.88*​​3​KatPC​*The Sound of Silence*​* 
15*​* 
16*​* 
16*​* 
16.5*​* 
15.88*​* 
3*​4​J.F. Bell​*Finds*​*19*​*18*​*17*​*18.5*​*18.13*​*1*​

*And the winners are . . . 

FIRST PLACE: “Finds” by J.F. Bell 
SECOND PLACE: “Enough” by PiperofYork
THIRD PLACE TIE: “The Sound of Silence” by KatPC

Congratulations to all, and thank you judges for your wonderful work!*




Spoiler: Kegan Thompson



Piperofyork, Enough
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:3.75
Total: 16.75
I liked this piece, it had a really good narration. The MC had personality, and the story was easy to follow. The story was mainly dialogue/internal thoughts, which I like and bits that were description were done really well. There was a lot of build-up and I was expecting the ending to be a bit punchier.

JBF, Finds
SPaG:4.5
T&V:4.5
Eval:4
Reac:4

Total: 17
The story was charming and had little bits of humor I enjoyed. and he knew such things were hard-earned and not given cheaply...On the front of the box in marker the sum of five dollars. Descriptions are one of your strengths but some sentences were too long-winded for me and didn’t have enough clarity. I had to read a few a couple of times to let it “sink in.” overall you painted a great picture of the yard sale. I was trying to figure out what the story had to do with the prompt, since “sign of the times” wasn’t directly inserted.

Lawless, somebody knew too much.
SPaG:3.5
T&V:3.5
Eval:3
Reac:3
Total: 13
There were a few small typos, but nothing major. I had a hard time following, mainly the beginning. I like the idea and the ‘twist’ ending but there are still so many unanswered questions!

KatCP, the sound of silence
SPaG:3.5
T&V:4
Eval:4
Reac:4.5
Total:16
A sad, yet sweet story. Had nice descriptionsexample)A van passed by, its noisy, dying engine rattling along the main road when the front door opened. There were a few “filler”/repetitive words that could’ve been removed for cleaner writing. Overall I liked it and I liked how it was told from the perspective of an animal (assuming a cat?)





Spoiler: vranger



*"Enough" - piperofyork*
SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4
*Total 17*

I liked this quite a bit, but I thought it started stronger than it ended. I had more of a sense of the meat of the story through the first half. The internal dialogue and thoughts about others in the group rang true, then lost a bit of the feel with the short exchanges to close the story. No question though, that overall this is well written and effective.

*"Somebody Knew Too Much" - Lawless*
SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16*

The first sentence was awkward, for two reasons. There has been a big habit for many years now to introduce a character using a full title (especially annoying in Star Trek novels LOL). I always think it reads as forced, and I cringe when I see it. Also, “on the shot suspect” is awkward. “Shot suspect”, even though we try to tighten up prose, is a bit too tight to be clear at first reading. There was a wrong word typo (lates), and a missing comma after ‘Bewildered”. Also “leapt to this side of his desk” didn’t seem quite right. “HIS side of his desk”? It was unclear to me.

I liked the story, and it’s well written other than my notes above. For me, the ending was a bit too abrupt. I think we have some clues in the story as to what Onderka’s issues was, but I’d have liked to see that spelled out better. You needed 1000 words here. ;-)

*"The Sound of Silence" - KatPC*
SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4
*Total 16*

“The blue book rested beside to me”. You changed ‘next’ to ‘beside’ and forgot to delete ‘to’. ;-) “watching him, watch her” — I believe has a comma you didn’t really want there.

You also have some mixed tense.

One awkward sentence: --Its gentle glow soothing the stresses of my mind, about this world, an angry world, full of the self catering, full of the 'I am the greatest.' — sort of mixes the thought from the previous sentence with something new. I think it’s better separated.

I thought the writing was beautiful, by the way, and the PoV inventive. However, the pieces didn’t all connect for me storywise. I wanted to think Kat is dead, but other cues suggest not, so I’d have liked to see a bit more clarity there.

*"Finds" - JBF*
SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 18*

“Presiding from a folding table by the porch, a woman of late middle age in a loosefitting housedress draped about her like a floral-print tarpaulin”

I thought this sentence a bit awkward. I think you’d be better off starting off with “A woman (etc)” and using “presided” as your verb later on. As is, it’s a very long sentence fragment, which I normally wouldn’t ding a score for, but in this case I think it’s better served as a complete sentence, since it’s so long and all the elements are there.

Possibly “Again at the table he offered the bill” and “Shaking his head he started for the pickup” could use commas.

It’s a thoughtful and melancholy story with, as usual, evocative slice of life. Plus, this was the only story of the four where I felt the ending was clear. Great writing, as always.





Spoiler: Non Serviam



PIPER OF YORK -- ENOUGH
Spag - 5. Well-executed on a technical level.
T&V - 4. Clean and simple: the authorial tone and voice is pushed into the background to make way for more characterization and story. I understand why you do this when you've only got 650 words to work with. It's an effective style but it doesn't wow me.
Evaluation - 5. Spag and T&V work well together, and there's a narrative arc and some character development, in which the narrator learns about himself. That's quite hard to do in 650 words so full credit to you.
Reaction - 2.5. I struggled to give a mark for this. The piece didn't touch me but to be fair, I don't think I'm the intended audience. The characters are sitting in a circle doing talk therapy with each other, and they take it all seriously and talk earnestly about their feelings, so it's very American in character. There are cultural references that passed me by, like a commercial for some life assurance firm, and people who still get junk mail on paper, which also feel American.

Overall, 16.5/20.

LAWLESS -- SOMEBODY KNEW TOO MUCH
Spag - 3.5. Some of the phrasing is wordy (e.g. _A young man was squatting_ when you could have written _A youth squatted_) and an actual error (_Barely ten minutes lates_).
T&V - 4. As with the previous piece, clean and simple, with the authorial tone and voice pushed into the background to make way for more characterization and story. I understand why you do this when you've only got 650 words to work with. It's an effective style but it doesn't wow me.
Evaluation - 4. Spag and T&V work well together and there's a narrative arc -- quite a good one within the constraints of the word count.
Reaction - 4. Subjectively I did enjoy this piece, and I would have scored it even higher if it was more closely connected to the prompt. I see that you mentioned it early on but it doesn't feel embedded into the plot. Good effort nonetheless, and I did appreciate the ending.

Overall, 15.5/20.

KATPC -- THE SOUND OF SILENCE
Spag - 3. _She laid asleep in bed_. She didn't: she lay asleep in bed. Lay-lie-laid is well-explained at https://www.writerswrite.com/grammar/lay-lie/ _Listening to peoples' complaints_. People is a singular noun so it should read _people's_ with the apostrophe so placed. And comma splices.
T&V - 5. The authorial tone and voice is excellent. The narrator is a distinctive character with an identifiable attitude, and believably a cat.
Evaluation - 3.5. Spag and T&V work well together. There's no narrative arc but the piece amounts to an effective scene.
Reaction - 5. Subjectively I enjoyed this piece a lot. The juxtaposition of the kindness to the cat with the cruelty to the human is delicious.

Overall, 16.5/20.

J.F. BELL -- FINDS
Spag - 5. Well-executed on a technical level.
T&V - 5. Looks to me like you drafted this, then made a series of editing passes trimming it down to the 650 words. The result is smart and snappy. There's an identifiable authorial voice and it has snark. I particularly enjoyed "the first honest proof of spring: YARD SALE".
Evaluation - 4. Spag and T&V work well together. There's a bit of a narrative arc and the piece develops to an effective conclusion.
Reaction - 4.5. Subjectively I enjoyed it, and you extract a lot of bitterness and conflict from a relatively everyday situation.

Overall, 18.5/20.





Spoiler: SueC




*Enough, PiperofYork
SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4.5/5
Reaction: 4.5/5
Overall: 17/20*
*Review: *I found this story both compelling and confusing. You paint characters that we might all be familiar with – your visuals were good. Your first-person voice paints a familiar picture for him, giving your readers the impression he has been down this road many times before, or in that room, with these exact same players. Of all of them, Rico gives the longest vocalization of a dream he has had, but when questioned (which seems expected with this group) there is a sense that Rico is annoyed at the invasion into his feelings. The leader goes too far. Rico doesn’t want to elaborate; doesn’t want to reveal what he is feeling about the dream. He doesn’t want to share anymore and is tired of everything we are all tired of. Eventually he storms out, which gives us a weaker ending than beginning, but these feelings seem familiar. I saw a couple of incomplete sentences, but the prompt was included. Thank you for your submission, Piper. Good job!
 
*Somebody Knew too Much, Lawless
SPaG: 3/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 15/20*
*Review: *I found this to be a little confusing. I sense there is a current of something unidentified going on beneath the action, but I can’t determine what it is. And the action itself seems odd. I know it’s hard to get a lot into 650 words, and I think this story would probably do a lot better if it were longer and you were able to include some missing information. I think the formatting was a little off in some places, and some words were incorrect (“lates”). Basically this was interesting and could have been well-written with a little more attention to detail. Sometimes reading our work out loud to ferret out those pesky inconsistencies helps. Thanks for your submission, Lawless. Good job.


*The Sound of Silence, KatPC
SPaG: 3/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 15/20*
*Review: *Because of the opening ‘scolding,’ it took me quite a while to know that the main voice was from a cat. I re-read it two or three times. You are humanizing a cat that lives with a woman who is physically ill, mentally ill, or just sleeping – recovering from what the scoldings allude to, which the cat apparently witnessed as well. The cat knows colors, the names of rooms and objects, can identify tattoos on a human being. I did like this, but I think it needs to have more meat to it. You probably could have done better with a longer word count. You paint a picture of cruelty and kindness, and the silence heals. A few missteps with some words (This blue book rested beside to me), but a good job!. Thanks for your submission, Kat, and keep writing!


*Finds, JBF
SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 5/5
Effect: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 19/20*
*Review: *I loved this. Really. The small details that matter in life, the ones that say so much about a person and how they’ve lived. These are often set aside and ignored, often not cherished for the treasures they are. Good job with this story. It was familiar and comfortable; we’ve all gone to those sales. And sometimes we find treasures much less valuable than the one your character ran across. Disappointed at the outcome – not only that he lost it, but also that the child who got it had no idea of its worth. Sign of the times, indeed. But all believable, especially now, in this time that we are living. Well written story, JBF, and from the heart. I would love to see more stories of this caliber, where writers dig in to find the heart of a matter. Some incomplete sentences. Thank you for your submission.


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## VRanger (Nov 30, 2021)

Grats JBF  Another nice story.

And thanks to the other members for entering. I thought it was very close overall, good job everyone.


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## KatPC (Nov 30, 2021)

Congratulations @JBF. In all honesty, when I read your story I knew I was quite far behind, a rushed job is never a good one.

Thank you for your reviews judges. I know I left a lot of mistakes in there. I think I  was too ambitious with the story and I needed a lot more words.
I will do better next time.


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## KeganThompson (Nov 30, 2021)

Congrats JBF!   


depending on the prompt, i might be entering in next months 
well will see...


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## JBF (Nov 30, 2021)

Thanks, all - judges, well-wishers...the offshore accounting place that handles the bribe money...


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## piperofyork (Dec 1, 2021)

Congratulations JBF on an excellent writing, and thank you to all of the judges!!


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