# DARK HALLS (Part One)



## JellyTrigger (Oct 2, 2015)

Dear Writing Forums Community,

Due to unfortunate events, I haven't had the chance to upload my novice project. I appreciate all who provide me with constructive criticism after reading my story. I now present to you, DARK HALLS.

Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

DARK HALLS
Part One – Dark Beginnings

I can remember that dark and stormy night clear as day. It occurred sometime very early in the morning, but I knew it should have taken at least four hours for the sun to begin its routine rise. I was laying on my bed still wide awake during this time. As usual, I was having a great deal of trouble falling asleep. Ever since I could remember, I had been utterly terrified of the dark, so terrified, that I could only sleep with a nightlight on at all times.

As I laid across my bed, thunder boomed loudly in the distance, making the darkness seem even more intimidating than usual. Ordinarily my nightlight alone was enough to sooth me, but tonight it seemed ineffective. I desperately tried to fall asleep, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position. Soon after losing hope that I would ever fall asleep, I decided to go outside and watch the thunder storm. The loud noise of thunder wasn’t appealing in the slightest, but the lightning brought composure, illuminating the shadowy world around me. Mother, on the other hand, would have felt differently about my decision. Horrified that I could possibly be stricken, she never allowed me to even watch a thunder storm. Luckily, tonight she was asleep, or so I thought. 

I arose from my bed cautiously, still a bit frightened. The moonlight flowing through the windows of the room began to give me courage. I took a deep breath and eased myself slowly off the side of my bed. My feet gently touched the cold wooden floor as I made an attempt to stand. The house was cold, quiet, and very dark, but thanks to my familiarity of the establishment, I was easily able to navigate through the dark moonlit bedroom. I was just about to exit the bedroom door when I heard a quiet whisper behind me. “Cyprian,” the quiet voice whispered, “is that you?” I turned around upon hearing my name and glanced around the bedroom. At the far end of the room, I noticed a little pair of eyes peering out at me from atop a bed underneath a blanket. “Yes,” I whispered, “now go back to sleep.” 

The figure underneath the blanket arose, sat upright, stretched out its arms and leaned forward. The moonlight from a nearby window beamed onto the figures’ face. It was my youngest brother, Finley. He rubbed his eyes and began to speak again. “Why do *I* have to go back to sleep, where are mom and dad, and why are *you* out of bed?” His seemingly endless amount of questions already started to annoy me. I knew far too well the level of frustration he was capable of invoking. If possible, I didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say. I wanted to bolt out the door at full speed, but I knew Finley would wake our parents if I did. 

There was an uneasy pause as I tried to gather my thoughts together. After a few dozen seconds, I came up with an idea. “You have to go back to sleep because… *dad* said so,” I said, “they’re sleeping right now, but I won’t tell them you were up if you go back to sleep.” He looked puzzled as he tried to process what I had said. It was extremely rare for Finley to be silent, so this began to worry me considerably. Suddenly, a loud booming noise and a blinding light filled the room. I fell backward and slammed against the floor. “Ouch…” I murmured in a agonizing voice. I suddenly started feeling pain in my right arm. It looked like I had bruised my forearm when I had fallen. I must have banged it against my own knee. The thunder storm outside was becoming more active. 

I slowly began to stand up again, a little sore from the fall. “You never told me why *YOU* were up.” He said in a calm and collective tone. He glared at me as he said this. “What?” I said, confused upon his words. “You told me all about why *I* was not allowed to be up, but what I want to know, is why *you’re* up.” He demanded.  I was surprised by Finley’s observation; I didn’t have any words to speak. “You know,” He said while he posed a sly grin, “I think you’re up to watch the thunder storm.” Just then, another loud booming noise and blinding light filled the room once again. I was so focused on our conversation, I didn’t even flinch. “Why do you even care?” I asked impatiently, now frustrated my plan wasn’t going well. “Isn’t it obvious,” He said posing an even wider grin than before, “I want to see the thunder storm too!” The last thing I wanted to do was drag around my annoying little brother, but I had no other choice. “Fine,” I sighed half-heartedly, “but you’re going to have to listen to whatever I say.” His grin soon began to fade after hearing his words. “Alright, I’ll play along.” He said.  

We crept around the house as quiet as a mouse, careful not to make a sound. Through hallways and down stair cases; we slowly made our way to the back door of the house. Our home wasn’t a mansion, but it was fairly large in size. It contained three full sized floors; not including the huge attic. After reaching the first floor, we were just a few rooms away from the back door. Suddenly, a loud crashing sound emerged from the floor above us. It sounded similar to glass shattering.  “Gosh,” Finley cried in a panicked voice, “what do we do now?!” I placed my finger against my lips and shushed Finley. “Do you want everyone inside the entire house to wake up?” I whispered. Just then, I could hear footsteps above me. Finley scrambled behind the couch as I swept behind the curtains. We were in one of the lounge areas very close to the kitchen where the backdoor was located. I started to breath heavier as the footsteps came closer. I pressed my hands against my mouth in order to dampen my burdensome breathing.

Suddenly, the footsteps stopped and a loud booming voice was heard shouting throughout the house. “It was only a vase honey!” The loud voice exclaimed. “The storm must have knocked it over!” The sound of footsteps started yet again. This time becoming more distant with every step until they could not be heard. I knew that voice belonged to my father. I also knew that his punishment would be immense if I was ever caught attempting to sneak out of the house. 
I cautiously slipped out of the curtains worried that someone else might have arose from the excitement. “That was a close one.” Finley said while peeking out from behind the couch. “Tell me about it.” I said with a relieved expression on my face. I was perplexed upon circumstances that lead the vase to fall over. I knew the storm wasn’t very active when it had fallen, but I didn’t have much time to ponder over it.

We crept inside the kitchen and finally arrived at the backdoor of the house. “Wait,” Finley said, “I need to turn off the alarm system, it’s a bit complicated to shut it down but I’ve watched dad before and…” I slowly lost interest in what he was rambling on about. I was too preoccupied with the painting on the wall. The gentle paint strokes resembling a young woman were beautifully constructed. My father loved to display his extraordinary works of art throughout the house. This was by far my most favorite piece. It was a painting of my mother. It has been six years since she disappeared and was claimed deceased by the local authorities. I felt a burning sensation in my heart every time I gazed at that painting. “Cyprian,” Finely spoke, “were you even listening?” I quickly snapped out of my trance and answered, “Yeah, you were talking about disarming the alarm system.” He sighed and said, “Obviously you didn’t hear the last part, the alarm will turn on automatically within twenty minutes so we have to do this quickly.” I nodded, “I wasn’t planning on staying out any longer anyway.” He replied. 

As we opened the door, a gush of cold air and rain thrust itself inside the house. The storm rumbled and showered noisily, making it hard to overhear anything else. Water gushed into the kitchen, gradually covering the entire floor. “We need to hurry up and get outside!” Finley shouted, fully drenched in water. I grabbed an umbrella conveniently placed on a nearby shelf and clutched his hand. “Stay close to me!” I shouted while pointing at the door knob. Finley nodded as he pulled the door shut behind us. I unfastened the umbrella and held it above us. Our backyard was a vast arrangement of flowers and fountains. The slate walkway in front of us spiraled in an assortment of directions to different fountains and flower gardens along the land. The fountains were modeled after the Greek gods who were praised by the Romans long ago. Zeus, Ares, Demeter, and many other famous gods had a place here in their backyard. My father loved history and became infatuated with Greek mythology some years ago. 

Without warning, another loud booming noise and blinding light filled the shadowy sky and shook the ground beneath us. The noise was practically deafening now that we were outside. We quickly followed the path further into the garden silently. With every soggy step, the moonlight grew dimmer, the rain pounded harder, and the wind became chillier. I was oblivious to the darkness that was now closing in on our unsuspecting souls.  

The silence was abruptly broken by an innocent squeak. “*Achoo!*” Finley sneezed wiping his nose with his sleeve. I noticed Finley pitifully shaking while he tried to keep up with me. I wished that I had brought a jacket for him beforehand, but it slipped my mind. “You don’t look so good,” I told him, “we should head back.” He coughed before replying, “I’m fine, don’t pussy out on me now.” I felt as though I shouldn’t have even asked. I knew Finley was acting tough so he wouldn’t look like a coward. I often teased him when we were younger because he always followed the rules. These days, Finley was trying to become a person he wasn’t. 

To my surprise, we had already reached the end of the slate trail, which stopped atop a small hill. We were greeted by the last fountain in the garden. This was the fountain of Hera, the goddess of marriage, mothers, and families. It depicted a beautiful woman with a gentle simile carrying an innocent baby calf. The stone fountain was still in flawless condition since its creation seven years ago. “Mother always favored the goddess of Hera.” I uttered softly while gazing at the fountain. “I wouldn’t know, I never met your mother.” Finley stated sternly. Finley and I were brothers born from different bloods. After my mother was declared deceased, father remarried a month later to Belladonna Dagon, Finley’s mother. I was about ten years old when he was introduced as my new brother. 

Suddenly, I noticed that the air around us was unsettlingly still. “The s-storm,” I stuttered, “it’s g-g-gone.” Finley walked out from underneath the umbrella and looked up at the sky. “Are you kidding me?!” He shouted angrily, “After all of this walking, the storm stops when we finally get here?!” He started to curse Zeus for ending the storm abruptly, in a variety of colorful ways. “Watch your mouth boy!” a deep raspy voice exclaimed behind us. We both turned sharply to see a shadowy figure a few feet behind us. I noticed that the figure possessed a slender ladylike form. The darkness seemed to hide any details of this figure making it difficult for me to make out anything else.

“Mom,” Finley said dumbstruck, “what are you doing way out here?” I looked closer, but didn’t notice any features that resembled Belladonna. “I was worried sick about you both, it’s dangerous to be out this late.” The raspy voice crackled. “Come give your mother a hug to make up for your disobedience.” Finley sighed and started to walk toward the figure. “I’m sorry mom, I promise I won’t do it again.” He said in a sorrowful tone. “That isn’t mom, s-she doesn’t even sound like her.” I stated worriedly, causing him to stop dead in his tracks, only a few inches from the figure. “How dare you say that?!” Finley shouted crossly, “You can make fun of me as much as you want, but if you say something about my mom again, I’ll beat you cold!” I gawked at Finley as my jaw dropped. “But she isn’t…” I began to say worriedly. Just then the figure grabbed Finley by the neck and held him up into the air, choking him. “Finley!” I cried furiously, running to his aid. I felt a cold drop of water strike my hand as I sprinted. I looked up and froze upon gazing at the night sky. A gigantic ball of water hovered over us, blocking out most of the moonlight. “Don’t fret child, you’ll be joining your mother very soon!” the figure chuckled hoarsely, “NOW DIE YOU PEST!” The water ball overhead began to fall picking up speed. My legs felt stiff and I couldn’t move. I turned my head to watch my brother barely clinging to life while saliva ran down his gaping mouth. I dropped to my knees while tears started running down my face. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to save him, I knew they were going to die, and I knew that this was going to be the last time I ever saw my brother. However, deep inside my heart I refused to believe what my brain was telling me. “Finley!” I yelled from the bottom of his aching lungs, “You’re not getting away from me this easily, you hear!” I clenched my fists as the whistling of the falling water ball grew nearer. “It’s that monster’s fault this is happening.” I said getting more and more enraged, “that creature… I want it to die… die… die… die… *I WANT IT TO DIE!*” A darkness suddenly fell upon us, swallowing up our souls…

+TO BE CONTINUED+

P.S. I've been told previously that my opening paragraph needs a better hook, I'm not sure how to fix this.
Also, I have already decided that I'll need more environment description.
Lastly, I'm writing the story as I go so details and characters are subject to change.


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## Harper J. Cole (Oct 3, 2015)

Thanks for posting; you capture the spirit of childhood adventure nicely here. One thing I will say is that putting a blank line at the end of each paragraph will space your work out and make it much easier to read.

Also ...




> The house was cold, quiet, and very dark, but thanks to my familiarity of the house, I was easily able to navigate through the dark moonlit bedroom.







> I turned around upon hearing my name and glanced around the bedroom. At the far end of the bedroom, I noticed a little pair of eyes peering out at me from atop a bed underneath a blanket.


 




> His seemingly endless amount of questions already started to annoy me. I knew far too well the level of annoyance he was capable of.







> “Ouch…” I murmured in a





> painful voice. I suddenly started feeling pain in my right arm.




... I recommend trying to avoid using the same word, or similar words, twice in quick succession; it would improve the flow of the piece for the reader.

HC


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## Deleted member 59123 (Oct 4, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> Thanks for posting; you capture the spirit of childhood adventure nicely here. One thing I will say is that putting a blank line at the end of each paragraph will space your work out and make it much easier to read.
> 
> Also ...
> 
> ...



Jelly Trigger, I liked this story, so I'll be sure to follow it. The reason I'm quoting the above member is because I too noticed the repetition of the same words in quick succession, and for me that was one of only glaring point of constructive criticism upon reading it at first glance. I intend to read it again later though, and offer you some anymore advice I can find on it.
I like the misdirection you used originally to describe Finley, the way you portrayed him originally as a "little pair of eyes peering out" from beneath the blanket, then described him as a "figure." I thought that was a good way of building some tension early on.


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## JellyTrigger (Oct 29, 2015)

Dear Harper Cole,

Thanks for pointing out the grammar mistakes, I totally didn't realize how often I had used the same word. I'm glad you enjoyed my draft of the first part. I'm going to space it out for you and make the appropriate adjustments so it's easier to read. Thanks for posting!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

Dear SonicShane97,

Yes, I've already begun fixing my grammar and will have it changed shortly. Thanks, please don't hesitate to post your thoughts again when reading it later. I tried to give the reader a moment of tension in that scene to somewhat hook them early on. I'm really glad it seemed to pay off! Thank you again for posting.

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer


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## lvcabbie (Oct 29, 2015)

JellyTrigger said:


> Dear Writing Forums Community,
> 
> Due to unfortunate events, I haven't had the chance to upload my novice project. I appreciate all who provide me with constructive criticism after reading my story. I now present to you, DARK HALLS.
> 
> ...



*I can remember that dark and stormy night clear as day.

*I had to stop at that. With this in my mind, I could go no further


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## JellyTrigger (Dec 12, 2015)

Dear lvcabbie,

Thank you for your humorous comment, um much appreciated. I am now working with a friend to help me with the first paragraph.

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 3, 2016)

Hi Jellytrigger!

I liked what you showed me, though I agree that working on your opening paragraph would help draw the reader into the story more. Also, as HarperCole suggested, repetition is not a friend here and I would look it over again to see if you could eliminate those parts as much as possible.

Otherwise, I liked your idea and found that you have a good way with words. Write on! : D


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