# Sought Requiem



## SilverMoon (Jul 2, 2012)

Note: I want to thank all of you for your constructive critiques and appreciation of this piece. I seem to be quite in the limelight! But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to move onto fellow members works at this point in time. Thier efforts are certainly equally deserving of all that you've generously given me, here. Again, my appreciation. 

In advance, thank you all for your understanding and consideration.  :smile2:



There is no guard on duty when you’re dreaming -
no bouncer at the door of night’s clubbing,
no rescue.

Stepmother, you step in again
with that designer high heel, hell bent in my left eye, 
blinding half of a small heaven I had to make up.
You make me Cinderella, again and again.
I will always be eight.

And Daddy you are there 
with half a handful of small change.
I think about how I loved you too loudly
then you throw the pennies in my face 
and make me pick them up off the floor.
I will always be un-adored. 

When the sun rolls up
I tar a driveway over you both.
It’s a modern burial each morning.
But you are never dead when nighttime lives.

Last night I woke up 
to no ceiling, no walls;
no refuge. 

I never pray to God on nights like this.
I beg him to murder.




There is no guard on duty when you’re dreaming - *(original)
*no bouncer at the door of night’s clubbing,
no Savior.

You both, feral night mares, 
hoof and hotfooted the ground of my mind last night.

Stepmother, you stepped in again
with that designer high heel, hell bent in my left eye, 
blinding half of a small heaven I had to make up.
You always make me Cinderella, again and again.
I will always be eight.

And Daddy you were there 
with half a handful of small change.
I thought about how I loved you too loudly
then you threw the pennies in my face 
and made me pick them up off the floor.
I will always be un-adored. 

When the sun rolls up
I tar a driveway over you both.
It’s a modern burial each morning.
But you are never dead when evening lives.

Last night I woke up to no ceiling,
no four bedroom walls,
no shelter.

I never pray to God on nights like this.
I beg him to murder.


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## Angel101 (Jul 2, 2012)

Hey! Long time, no see! 

So I like a lot of what you've done here, but I hope you don't mind if I just go through the piece and give you my thoughts on possible edits. I might strike out a few things, but that's mostly because I think this would be killer as a shorter piece.



> There is no guard on duty when you’re dreaming -
> no bouncer at the door of night’s clubbing,
> no Savior. *(I don't necessarily mind this, but I'm striking it and a couple other things because they seemed a bit melodramatic and really took away from all of the wonderful ideas you have in this piece.)*
> 
> ...



I wouldn't change too much because you know that I adore the way you word things, but I would absolutely make some brutal cuts. Others may disagree, but those are just my two cents. 

xx Bay


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## SilverMoon (Jul 3, 2012)

Bay - thank you for reading and taking the time to make suggestions. Know that I will be keeping some in mind. And thank you for sharing your appreciation of my work in general. Was a very nice thing to hear.


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## HaveCourage (Jul 4, 2012)

That was wonderfully tragic. You created a dark image of the unloved and abused child. I loved it. When it comes to changes I agree with most of what was said by Angel. The word play and imagery with "night mare" was a little skew from the poem as a whole. When it comes to the melodrama, I think that the "Savior" should be eliminated, but the Cinderella and "I will always be eight" lines should be kept. They help the reader understand the position of the speaker better. 

As for the last stanza, personally, I love it. I find it to have a higher emotional impact than the line before. That's just me though . 

Great poem, I love it!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 4, 2012)

Hia, HC. Thanks for dropping by with your input. Last night I made some edits so revision is now posted above the original. I did feel that "Savior" needed to be replaced with a verb, in keeping with idea. And 
S-2 has galloped off the page.....! No. I would never part with the last two lines as they sum up the desperation. Concerning its tragic nature - thank you for validating the impact I was hoping to convey.


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## Bachelorette (Jul 4, 2012)

SilverMoon - What a fantastic poem for your return! I'm late to the party as usual, but nonetheless, I wasn't about to let this go by without comment. 

I adore your revision. I liked stanza 2 well enough, but as it's not vital to the poem, I understand why you cut it - it tightens things up quite well. Just two little nits:



> You always make me Cinderella, again and again.
> I will always be eight.



The repetition of "always" in these two lines is a bit much. I'd take out the first one both to maintain balance in the poem, and to increase the potency of "I will always be eight."



> But you are never dead when evening lives.



I don't think "evening" is the best word to use here. "Night" or "nighttime" or "darkness" or "midnight" would be far more effective, IMO. "Evening," for me anyway, has associations with the peaceful and romantic.

Also, I agree with HaveCourage about the last two lines. They are chilling and so powerful. Glad you kept them. I'm reminded, though I can't exactly explain why, of Sylvia Plath's final poem in the original version of "Ariel" - "Edge." This is that raw and that terrifying. Well done.

And so great to have you back, SliverMoon!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 4, 2012)

Thank you, Bachelorette. It's to good to be back. And, wow! I'll have to re-read "Edge". I often go Plathian so this is a great compliment. 



> The repetition of "always" in these two lines is a bit much. I'd take out the first one both to maintain balance in the poem, and to increase the potency of "I will always be eight."



Thanks for the great catch and it's a fix.

In S-4,L-4 I had changed it to "night" but "nighttime" is an interesting option which I'll give thought to. Thanks.

This is probably my most raw piece and was hoping that the terror would be realized. So, as I told HC, I thank you for commenting on impact.

It's always an honor when you step in.


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## Angel101 (Jul 4, 2012)

Great to see a revision. I think it's much better as well. I still strongly dislike the last two lines, but I suppose I'm alone in that boat. My opinion still remains, though. A bit too melodramatic. Same with the other lines I cut, especially "I will always be un-adored."


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## SilverMoon (Jul 4, 2012)

> I still strongly dislike the last two lines, but I suppose I'm alone in that boat. My opinion still remains, though. A bit too melodramatic. Same with the other lines I cut, especially "I will always be un-adored."



Heard you the first time.


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## Kyle R (Jul 4, 2012)

Hi SilverMoon.

I don't frequent the Poetry section of this site as often as I should, but I felt inclined to pop in after reading this:

_When the sun rolls up
I tar a driveway over you both.
It’s a modern burial each morning.

_I absolutely love that. Fantastic. I'd pay to write like that. Give me your secret, now! I demand it!









Great piece. I enjoyed it. Cheers!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 4, 2012)

> Give me your secret, now!



OK. Go through an impossible gestation period of writer's block, then something's bound to pop out... 


I doub't I'll shut up but I'll gladly take your money!

Thank you, Kyle. I'm very glad you enjoyed...and three of my favorite lines. 

You're a gentleman and a scholar :star:


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## BWOz (Jul 4, 2012)

SilverMoon: This has potential to deliver huge impact, but as it is now I think you are using too many words to get there. The more words you use, the slower the reading, and less punch delivered to the reader. Fewer words speeds everything up a bit, and can reall tighten the flow. Just a suggestion, but I have removed some words below, just to give example.

There is no guard on duty when you’re dreaming -
no bouncer at the door, no rescue.

Stepmother, step in again
with designer high heels, 
You make me Cinderella, again and again.
I will always be eight.

And Daddy there,  
with a handful of small change.
I loved you too loudly
until you threw the pennies in my face, 
made me pick them off the floor.
I will always be un-adored. 

When the suns up
I'll tar a driveway with you both.
A modern burial.

Last night I woke up 
to no ceiling, no walls;
no refuge. 

I never pray to God on nights like this.
I beg him to murder.


You'll notice I didn't do anything with last 2 stanzas, as they are already short and tight and drive the impact.

BW


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jul 5, 2012)

Hi there, Silvermoon! Its been a while since I saw you here. Anyhow, liked this piece of yours. It feels very vulnerable and very tragic. The lines are quite spot-on for me, and the final stanza drives it home. Very well done.


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## alanmt (Jul 6, 2012)

Well, hello there!  My pleasure at seeing you post a poem would be moderated by the sorrow in the subject but for the fact that the beauty of it transcends.

I am afraid I don't have any criticism, constructive or otherwise.  There is an unexpected uniqueness in the path you take the reader that is marvelous.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 7, 2012)

Fuhrer and Alanmt - Thank you so much for your appreciation of this piece. Means a great deal to me O


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## Lace (Jul 8, 2012)

Hi,

I really like this poem. It is a serious attempt to understand such a girl-child/woman-- her sense of estrangement, her impulse toward death ("modern burial", "murder")-- by internalizing evil and giving it a voice. It is the voice of a woman at the service of a private, unyielding anger. 

Some specifics:

There is no guard on duty when you’re dreaming - *(original)
*no bouncer at the door of night’s clubbing,
no Savior.

Great opening verses. I particularly like "night's clubbing". It links to "when nighttime lives". Both phrases attribute animation to "night". The night is sentient, engulfing, and dangerous. 

"_There is no guard on duty when you're dreaming_"
I'd reconsider the use of "you". It gives rise to an ambiguity. Does the "you" refer to the stepmother and the father whom the speaker addresses in the stanza immediately following this one, or does it indicate anyone, any person indefinitely. I understand that it's probably the latter, in which case I'd replace "you" with "one". It's no biggie. Come to think of it, there's a certain formality to the pronoun "one" that's not fitting to the tone of the poem, which is intensively personal, raw and visceral. Maybe "when I'm dreaming"? Would that personalize the statement too much? It's your poem, your call. 

"_no Savior_"
I prefer this to "rescue". It forms a motif with "heaven" and "I never pray to God on nights like this".  To me, "Savior" heightens the desperation whereas "rescue" simply reiterates the absence of a guard over this dream-scape. 

You both, feral night mares, 
hoof and hotfooted the ground of my mind last night.

The play on "nightmares", though done before, feels kind of fresh in this instance and oddly plausible given the fantastical and distorted terrain of dreams, partly due to "feral". I say keep these lines. 

Stepmother, you stepped in again
with that designer high heel, hell bent in my left eye, 
blinding half of a small heaven I had to make up.
You always make me Cinderella, again and again.
I will always be eight.

And Daddy you were there 
with half a handful of small change.
I thought about how I loved you too loudly
then you threw the pennies in my face 
and made me pick them up off the floor.
I will always be un-adored. 

Nice! The fairy-tale world (Cinderella) is one of feminine and masculine principles meeting (both engender pain in the speaker) and conflicting (the designer heel, the Cinderella, a woman inhibiting a girl-child/female's growth with vanity and so forth vs. a man asserting power with the pennies etc..)

I don't mind "I will always be un-adored". It's a plain, plaintive, resigned declaration that's very much in keeping with the language in its stanza, which, in contrast to the devise-filled stepmother stanza, is simplistic, direct, and unadorned. 

When the sun rolls up
I tar a driveway over you both.
It’s a modern burial each morning.
But you are never dead when evening lives.

I like "rolls up" and "tar". Both are rich, active, sensory verbs. I'd write "while evening lives". I associate the conjunction "when" with _at the time/at a certain time_, _in the event that_ and "while" with _as long as_. I think the latter fits better. Their not being dead is contingent on the night's living. 

Last night I woke up to no ceiling,
no four bedroom walls,
no shelter.

Nix "shelter" (or "refuge" in the revision). They're both too reiterative. Waking up to no ceiling and no walls, though not particularly inventive, effectively conveys the narrator's dismay at the protection/enclosure's disappearance. It shows that the speaker's surfacing from the dream-scape filled with feral nightmares is incomplete as is the mundane, waking realm with the lack of walls and so forth. 

I never pray to God on nights like this.
I beg him to murder.　

Perfect!

Thanks for sharing.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 8, 2012)

Lace, thank you for giving me such a well thought out review. The sense of "estrangement" was just what I was trying to get across. "The" _mot juste_... And yes. In my work I do attempt to "give evil a voice" My little saying "I always try to turn tragedy into art". But this is not to imply that I consider my work "art"!



> "_no Savior_"
> I prefer this to "rescue". It forms a motif with "heaven" and "I never pray to God on nights like this". To me, "Savior" heightens the desperation whereas "rescue" simply reiterates the absence of a guard over this dream-scape.



I am now back to my comfortable place. This "is" the dot I intended to connect to the other.



> The play on "nightmares", though done before, feels kind of fresh in this instance and oddly plausible given the fantastical and distorted terrain of dreams, partly due to "feral". I say keep these lines.



Yes. I was very much married to these two lines but the other night I was thinking that I needed a third or fourth line - then a line on its own to make for seque into "the human". So complicated, I was ready to give up. But thanks. I will be returning to the drawing board with this one after all.



> (Cinderella) is one of feminine and masculine principles meeting (both engender pain in the speaker) and conflicting (the designer heel, the Cinderella, a woman inhibiting a girl-child/female's growth with vanity and so forth vs. a man asserting power with the pennies etc..)



Yes. And thank you, again! Since, this had not been pointed to I didn't feel I needed to "bring it out".
There's great company in understanding.



> Waking up to no ceiling and no walls, though not particularly inventive, effectively conveys the narrator's dismay at the protection/enclosure's disappearance.



Hey! I thought that was mine. :idea:



> Last night I woke up to no ceiling,
> no four bedroom walls,
> no shelter.


I agree. It's reiterative.

Very glad for your liking the ending. It was desperation, personified.

I'm honored that you've spent such time with my piece. Thank you, greatly. Laurie


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