# King of Birds



## Mesafalcon (Jul 9, 2015)

King of Birds

Weeping willow vines drooping low 
Sagewart and barberry bushes grow
Will-O-Wisp with a faint glow
Still air, humid heat, no hint of snow
Crickets and cicadas chirping for show
Summer knights that joust slow
Cracking shields to pieces, blow by blow
King of Birds, Master of the Crow
Rules the city below


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## musichal (Jul 9, 2015)

Don't you know?


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 9, 2015)

Friend or foe


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## QDOS (Jul 9, 2015)

OW! I liked this better than Events of June or Glass eye. More my sort of rhyming.  

QDOS


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 9, 2015)

QDOS said:


> OW! I liked this better than Events of June or Glass eye. More my sort of rhyming.
> 
> QDOS



I like this comment better than 99% of the comments on this forum to date. 

Gonna be tough to top this！

Thanks, Q


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## -xXx- (Jul 9, 2015)

*falls in line*
n.dat's.fo.sho!
*pledges to return*
*here.ish*


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## -xXx- (Jul 9, 2015)

okay, so i'm reading this ^.
pictures painting place/mood
character, action
title, title
conclusion
then I leave.

I come back and look at what you've done
with syllable count:
8
9
8
9 (2,3,4)
10
6
6->9
3->8
6

I reeeeeeally like your count transition technique!
most ingenious!


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 9, 2015)

-xXx- said:


> I come back and look at what you've done
> with syllable count:
> 8
> 9
> ...



Sounds like I can learn something from this. Thanks a ton.

I was just trying to rhyme stuff with -ow words.


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## -xXx- (Jul 9, 2015)

*learns, gleefully, through play*
*giggles and blows a raspberry*
*at the shadow of a bird*
*perched waaaaaaaaaaay up there*


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## rcallaci (Jul 13, 2015)

well done- end rhyme in mone-rhyme not done right comes across as forced- not in this piece it was done quite well. a good piece of poetry...


my warmest
bob


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## jenthepen (Jul 13, 2015)

I liked this - a nice smooth read.

Is Willow important in line three because I kinda want to change it to Will-O-Wisp or even Will-O-the-Wisp if you want to maintain the syllable count?

That line; _Summer Knights that joust slow_ created a great piece of imagery imo. Good stuff - well done!

jen


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## inkwellness (Jul 13, 2015)

This was a clever use of rhyme. It also seemed grounded in nature. Certainly a pleasure to read.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 13, 2015)

jenthepen said:


> I liked this - a nice smooth read.
> 
> Is Willow important in line three because I kinda want to change it to Will-O-Wisp or even Will-O-the-Wisp if you want to maintain the syllable count?



YA! 

It should have been Will-O-Wisp! I wasn't quite sure what the actual spelling was, I just Googled it since you brought it up, and that works.

thanks jenthepen
you did it again
spelling correction now and then
for women and men


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## CoercedAntiHero (Jul 13, 2015)

what about something something sparrow?

its an -ow word....

I give this a cauldron out of ten!
not to be mistaken with a kettle, a colony 
Or EVEN a parliament out of ten.
a solid cauldron.

As far as a critique for this goes, I think more insightful people above me have said the things I would try to say only better because they say it.
And I will agree with rcallaci- most of the time this style sounds forced. but not here. Cheers!

#DaFalcon


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 13, 2015)

CoercedAntiHero said:


> most of the time this style sounds forced.



Ya, it is a bit forced. But - in forcing it, you come up with imagery and things you normally may not have come up with since you are forced to come up with certain words.

When I write a song, a book or anything else, I don't care about rhymes. So, for me, poetry is all about rhymes... or I'll just write something else.

For me, poetry itself is "forced," since it is not naturally how people communicate. It is meant it be different. I guess this is just even more forced. To further state this point, if you have something to say _it never has to be said in the form of a poem _to get the same message across.


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## CoercedAntiHero (Jul 13, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> For me, poetry itself is "forced," since it is not naturally how people communicate. It is meant it be different. I guess this is just even more forced. To further state this point, if you have something to say _it never has to be said in the form of a poem _to get the same message across.


 
I would say some poetry is "forced", and some isn't. Forced meaning not sounding natural. There are infinite poems that don't sound "natural" in the way of speaking, and infinite poems that do. We will have to throw out the baby with the red herring while calling the kettle greener on the other side, friend. By the way , "summer knights that joust slow" is a great line. Made me slow down, literally.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 13, 2015)

CoercedAntiHero said:


> I would say some poetry is "forced", and some isn't.



Can you give examples of these? A comparision perhaps between a poem that is natural and one that is forced? Also, how is the natural poem "natural" if I can just say it well, actually natural to describe to someone the feeling without connecting words and trying to say it [FONT="&amp]innovatively [/FONT]to make a poem of it?

And, thanks for all the responses by the way! You might be a hero, not an anti-hero!


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## CoercedAntiHero (Jul 14, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Can you give examples of these? A comparision perhaps between a poem that is natural and one that is forced? Also, how is the natural poem "natural" if I can just say it well, actually natural to describe to someone the feeling without connecting words and trying to say it innovatively to make a poem of it?
> 
> And, thanks for all the responses by the way! You might be a hero, not an anti-hero!



Hmmmm....okay:

Forced:

I had a dog
that made a log,
nevertheless,
Essence embraced.

Natural:

I was walking with my dog
when I raised an eyebrow,
a creeping scent enveloped me.
His puppy eyes were so innocent
but I could not believe them.
Now I walk with his
soiled mess on my shoe
as he prances back home.

Not sure if this confuses me more or confuses you more. But what I'm getting at is that in the "forced" poem there are rhymes and perfect amount of syllables in each line. In the "natural" poem, it is less structured and such. Both convey the same message. It is
the difference between figuratively cramming meat into a sausage stuffer, and hand rolling meatballs. I don't know, I'm not one o' thems fancy teaches *hic


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 14, 2015)

CoercedAntiHero said:


> Hmmmm....okay:
> 
> Forced:
> 
> ...



 I guess what I mean is, the "natural" isn't truly natural because it is still formatted to be a poem. 

But, sure, I take your meaning to a certain extent. That's a pretty good explanation.

I would still say one is just _more _natural than the other and neither are actually "natural"

People talk with all kinds of little details like:

I was walking my dog the other day, when I had that cold. There was this weird scent around there etc

 Do people casually say stuff like "His puppy eyes were so innocent" and follow up with "but I could not believe them."

 They say stuff like "he had the cuttiest eyes, but I still didn't believe him!" 

 That would be more natural to me. But, since it is a poem, there is usually "meat" cut out from poems. That's what makes it a poem and not just writting about something, right?


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