# Number 19



## escorial (Mar 11, 2018)

Crying she closed the door to the living room..turned of the light and sat in her mums old chair. Tomorrow the house would be cleared of all that was left and she would return the key and the thought that this would be her last night in the house made her sob uncontrollably. Mum..mum I miss you so much..I want to go back in time and run about this house with you and dad watching over me...please god turn back the clock.

In the morning she let people come and go into the house and later on she found herself alone in the empty house with dark and light patches on the walls...climbing the stairs..the sound she made was nothing she had ever heard before and opening the door to the bedroom she was surprised at how much light came flooding into the empty room. Her mobile rang and she answered..pick me up in ten minutes.

Getting in the car she was in tears and her husband tried to console her but the tears just kept coming. A few days past and she just had to return to the house..standing outside alone in the dark she felt comforted as she looked up..she could see dad painting the window frames from inside..while mum walked past the living room window carrying washing..the front door opened and out she walked as a kid...looking down she said to herself..mum and dad said they're waiting for you.


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## H.Brown (Mar 11, 2018)

This is a heartfelt piece of writing. You tugged on my heart strings Esc. This would also fit with Cof challenge firestarter, lol. I didn't pick up on anything that seemed out of place. The pace was good and flowed from line to line. You built up the scene well, I especially liked the ending.


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## escorial (Mar 11, 2018)

thanks HB...


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## Smith (Apr 12, 2018)

escorial said:


> Crying she closed the door to the living room..turned of the light and sat in her mums old chair. Tomorrow the house would be cleared of all that was left and she would return the key and the thought that this would be her last night in the house made her sob uncontrollably. Mum..mum I miss you so much..I want to go back in time and run about this house with you and dad watching over me...please god turn back the clock.
> 
> In the morning she let people come and go into the house and later on she found herself alone in the empty house with dark and light patches on the walls...climbing the stairs..the sound she made was nothing she had ever heard before and opening the door to the bedroom she was surprised at how much light came flooding into the empty room. Her mobile rang and she answered..pick me up in ten minutes.
> 
> Getting in the car she was in tears and her husband tried to console her but the tears just kept coming. A few days past and she just had to return to the house..standing outside alone in the dark she felt comforted as she looked up..she could see dad painting the window frames from inside..while mum walked past the living room window carrying washing..the front door opened and out she walked as a kid...looking down she said to herself..mum and dad said there waiting for you.



It doesn't really feel right for me to point out the minor nitpicks. Anybody can do that; that's what editors are paid for.

This was a touching piece, Esc. There's this deafening quiet throughout it. Somber. Dreamlike, as she walks through the house she'd grown up in, and as memories come flooding back with the tears. The kind of dream that isn't a nightmare but you still wake up crying.

Beautiful flash fiction. Thanks for sharing.


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## tgmittens (Apr 12, 2018)

The story itself is very emotional, and I loved reading it. One thing I want to point out is that the sentence count in each paragraph is very low, and they come close to being run-ons. This is especially the case in the second, where the first sentence is ~60 words and 3 lines in length. A break somewhere around "climbing the stairs"  or sooner would be useful in reading the text. It would also help express the message behind the story, rather than it being lost in a sort of stream of consciousness without any focus of clarity.


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## escorial (Apr 12, 2018)

Cheers Smith...thanks for the read man

Thanks tg... for the input an read.. cool


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## Blackstone (Apr 12, 2018)

I don't have a problem with the unconventional structure or run-on sentences. Usually use of multiple '...'s and stuff like that is a turn off but in this case I get the feeling the rambling narrative is a stylistic choice, not quite stream of consciousness but close.

Something like this: "In the morning she let people come and go into the house and later on she found herself alone in the empty house..." is obviously a clumsy sentence but it gives a kind of juvenile feel. The hurried, slapdash phrasing and absence of standard punctuation conveys a sense of crisis that is actually pretty damn effective.

If I have any issues its that I think the piece verges on emotional overkill at times. Bambi syndrome. For instance I'm not sure how important it is you tell me this person is crying (twice in the first paragraph, twice in the last). Stuff like that makes me adverse because I feel like you're trying to dictate my emotional response and doing so rather obviously. 

People crying doesn't make me sad. It's too easy. I get more emotionally affected by characters who stand strong in adversity even though they are torn up. So I think it would be kind of more effective to have the sadness ring through in the actions and thoughts of the character.

Only thing I noticed was "mum and dad said there waiting for you.". Pretty sure that should be 'they're.


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## escorial (Apr 13, 2018)

So many valid points there...my writing is often first draft stuff with a few bits of change here an there... it's all about the experience of writing like this was based on a emotional outburst by a woman talking to a friend in a coffee shop...nearly all my stuff comes from a brief encounter with a stranger or a TV program, newspaper article..etc..thanks blkstne


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## Sync (Apr 13, 2018)

Hello.

It has been some time since I critiqued, so I'll be gentle as a kitten, and maybe we each can learn from one another at the end. 

I do not know your writing experience, so will go just from what I've read. Off the cuff.



> Crying she  closed the door to the living room..turned of the light and sat in her  mums old chair. Tomorrow the house would be cleared of all that was left  and she would return the key and the thought that this would be her  last night in the house made her sob uncontrollably. Mum..mum I miss you  so much..I want to go back in time and run about this house with you  and dad watching over me...please god turn back the clock.
> 
> 
> In the morning  she let people come and go into the house and later on she found herself  alone in the empty house with dark and light patches on the  walls...climbing the stairs..the sound she made was nothing she had ever  heard before and opening the door to the bedroom she was surprised at  how much light came flooding into the empty room. Her mobile rang and  she answered..pick me up in ten minutes.
> ...




There are a few grammer slips and such, that can be picked out after a few edits. You tend to use ... too often, not relying on the words and actions of the scene around to show that same pause naturally. Often it is simply sentence structures that can express this. 

You should find another way to express that sorrow, rather than just tears. Tears are what's left of emotions after they are squeezed out. You need to get closer to this pain, her loss. I want to see direct contact.

There are ways to do this. As humans we have 5 senses, maybe more, so share hers with the readers. Does she plop heavily on her mum's chair, defeated by sorrow, only to have the scent of her mum waif up? Maybe that brings the tears. Words can  create images, but imagery requires structure. 

I don't know your level of experience when it comes to writing, and I can only give you an opinion of writing as it is. For this kind of piece, in order to make an impact, I would need to feel her pain with her, sense her loss as if my own. It seems hard, but you just have to make the reader care.

Keep at it. This is not bad writing, you just need  to let it out more. 

Thank you for sharing

Sync


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## escorial (Apr 13, 2018)

just let it out more...i like that..cheers kidda


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## bangers (Apr 17, 2018)

This was so cool! Thanks for sharing


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## escorial (Apr 17, 2018)

Cheers bangers


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## pslater1972 (Jun 5, 2018)

Beautiful and heartbreaking. Many will feel the pain in your words, I certainly did.


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## escorial (Jun 5, 2018)

Thanks P72


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## Otto Gramm (Aug 13, 2018)

Sad and bright sketch. Quite emotional, calling for compation. That's my point... I wish the story would go further.


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## NotMe (Aug 14, 2018)

Lots of SPAG issues, but the writing itself is heartfelt.


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