# Stoned Dreams { language}



## Firemajic (Jan 24, 2018)

_*I relive my life in misty dreams
like cigarette smoke, memories cling
mundane places
nameless faces
all the years carelessly wasted
people I remember with regret
things I wish I could forget

Like that dive in Jacksonville 
Big Jake's local bar and grill
the tattooed bouncer
 with his seducing grin
bought me drinks
that were not free
telling me the same tired lies
while he fucked me with his eyes

I hung around till we were alone
we drank flat beer and got stoned
I used him
and he pleased me
a stranger's face, a familiar game
damn I can't recall his name

My radio blared the morning news
while I paid my mental dues
then I heard that free bird song
as I hauled ass out of town
movin on
to the next nameless place
disappearing without a trace

I had good friends I left behind
sorry to say, I didn't treat them kind
when they got close
I severed ties
life got real and I fled the scene
now they haunt me in my dreams

I still cruise roads that go nowhere
stoned alone, I don't care
searching for something
I left behind
maybe I'll find it
in my dreams
fragments of my burned out past
like beer left in the bottom of my glass

*_


----------



## shedpog329 (Jan 24, 2018)

Hi Julz, really liked a lot of the gritty scenery and images in this one.  The piece, to me, is mean't to be read at a slow and gentle pace, try calming down some of the rhyme in the first stanza in order to maintain that voice, that is, if I'm getting it right.

Nice work!


----------



## Darkkin (Jan 24, 2018)

The song _Mad World _comes to mind with the opening stanza.  A good song, but a bit cliched.  Shed is right about slowing the rhythm just a touch.  It is the rhyme that makes the pace a bit manic and it is a little out of sync.

Try reading the piece with only the first two lines of the opening stanza and segue directly into S2.  See if you hear a difference.  The reader does not need the reiteration of lost time, it lessens the impact of the piece.  Go straight into it, the reader will get your gist.  Context and imagery are things you do well.  Don't down play it by baby stepping the reader into the heart of the piece.  Also, consider reducing the number of pronouns, the first person (I) is implied.  These are places when the memories are the present moment, put the reader in it.  Huge potential in the piece very Bukowskish vibe, but you can neaten some edges.


e.g.

Relived, my life in misty dreams,
like cigarette smoke, memories cling

Also consider swapping out misty with hazy, more concise to the tone and atmosphere.  Read the line as is and with hazy.  See what you think.

Places for edge trimming:

S2, L1 Like.  Start on that.  This is a specific place not a simile.

S4, L1  Clip the my.  The is more concise, as it is implied that the radio is part of the car that is being drive by the narrator (I), so why the my?   You have excellent context, use it to its fullest advantage.

-  D.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 24, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> _[B
> 
> Relived, my life is hazy dreams
> like cigarette smoke, memories cling
> ...





shedpog329 said:


> Hi Julz, really liked a lot of the gritty scenery and images in this one.  The piece, to me, is mean't to be read at a slow and gentle pace, try calming down some of the rhyme in the first stanza in order to maintain that voice, that is, if I'm getting it right.
> 
> Nice work!



Hello, Shed, and thank you so much for your observations, I rearranged the first stanza, hopefully it slows the frantic pace...  Thank you, I appreciate your comments...




Darkkin said:


> The song _Mad World _comes to mind with the opening stanza.  A good song, but a bit cliched.  Shed is right about slowing the rhythm just a touch.  It is the rhyme that makes the pace a bit manic and it is a little out of sync.
> 
> Try reading the piece with only the first two lines of the opening stanza and segue directly into S2.  See if you hear a difference.  Also, consider reducing the number of pronouns, the first person (I) is implied.  These are places when the memories are the present moment, put the reader in it.  Huge potential in the piece very Bukowskish vibe, but you can neaten some edges.
> 
> ...





Hi, DarKKin   I have chopped, sliced and diced ... Removing "I"s is tuff work.... lol.... I am very grateful to have your feedback... I made most of the changes you suggested, and I am much happier with this poem... thank you!


----------



## shedpog329 (Jan 24, 2018)

Hrmm, I'd I hate to do this to you Julz but I'm gonna retract my earlier suggestion.  I think my comments stemmed from the contrast between the quick rhymes in stanza 1 and then the slow, softer pace in stanza 2.  However, when reading the rest of the poem, the rhyme typically sticks to the quick and rapid rhyming led on in stanza 1. 

i think I wanted to slow down stanza 1 because the next one was probably my favorite part of the poem, something about old local dive bars allows me to relive some memories, as well as the subdued momentum felt a bit relaxing.

Maybe the real answer doesn't lie in rewiring the first stanza but the second, speed it up a bit.  

It all really depends on how you wrote the poem, when you read it to yourself, do you read it with a quick tempo, or with a slow, story telling sort of narrative?


----------



## sas (Jan 24, 2018)

I liked that you used details: Jacksonville; Big Jakes: tattooed bouncer: details in a poem make it more believable. 

Not sure what "free bird song" refers to. Might be my age. Sorry. 

And, what are "mental dues"? too obscure 

I didn't believe you wanted to remember his name. So, maybe

_a stranger's face, a familiar game
didn't give a damn about his name

These are two cliches I'd look to replace:

__1.while he fucked me with his eyes__
2. disappearing without a trace

__I am aware that the "fucked me" line others will like. Keep "fucked"; make it your own expression that others will want to copy. 

I'd like more of you (as POV), in this poem. So, how did it feel to be fucked by this guy? How did it feel to let yourself? This poem lacks the most important aspect. You gave the facts. Now put me inside you; your mind, your body. I want to feel him there, too. I'm outside, observing, like you. Sacrifice the rhyme, if needed. The form is unimportant. It's the poem that counts. Connect with the reader, in an unexpected way. 

I recently finished 700 pages of The Outlaw Bible of American Poetry & over 1100 pages of the Collected Poems of Allen Ginsberg. Make me believe you were in that damn bar. I want to feel the splinters from that bar stool as he fucked you. 

. 

_


----------



## Robbie (Jan 24, 2018)

I thought it meant the Lynnard Skynnard song ‘FreeBird.’ “Freebyrd” is my email address with @ of course.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

shedpog329 said:


> Hrmm, I'd I hate to do this to you Julz but I'm gonna retract my earlier suggestion.  I think my comments stemmed from the contrast between the quick rhymes in stanza 1 and then the slow, softer pace in stanza 2.  However, when reading the rest of the poem, the rhyme typically sticks to the quick and rapid rhyming led on in stanza 1.
> 
> i think I wanted to slow down stanza 1 because the next one was probably my favorite part of the poem, something about old local dive bars allows me to relive some memories, as well as the subdued momentum felt a bit relaxing.
> 
> ...




I read it fast. I wanted it to sound.... kinda chaotic and fragmented... like my stoned memories. I do see what you mean, and I will try to fix it.... 





Robbie said:


> I thought it meant the Lynnard Skynnard song ‘FreeBird.’ “Freebyrd” is my email address with @ of course.




Right...


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

sas said:


> I liked that you used details: Jacksonville; Big Jakes: tattooed bouncer: details in a poem make it more believable.
> 
> Not sure what "free bird song" refers to. Might be my age. Sorry.
> Robbie's comment is right
> ...



Dear sas,  I LMAO... about your "splinters from the bar stool" comment.... we should party together 
anyway... sure I gave facts, because when I am stoned, there isn't any emotion, everything feels like it is happening to someone else... I AM the observer...  Love your insight,  if I ever really remember the splinters, I will write a poem and post it in the Red Light area... haaaa,,,,, love you to bits!


----------



## H.Brown (Jan 25, 2018)

Evening Juls, I liked this poem to me it had a nice flow and plenty of rhythm, for the most part I could see what you saw and feel what you felt. 

I'm the opposite Juls when I am stonned everything is filled with emotion and feeling.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> Evening Juls, I liked this poem to me it had a nice flow and plenty of rhythm, for the most part I could see what you saw and feel what you felt.
> Thank you, I appreciate your comments...
> 
> 
> I'm the opposite Juls when I am stonned everything is filled with emotion and feeling.


Depends on the... D of C for the evening... Some of my best poetry came from being stoned.... I thought I was a genius, until I read them sober... lol....


----------



## H.Brown (Jan 25, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> Depends on the... D of C for the evening... Some of my best poetry came from being stoned.... I thought I was a genius, until I read them sober... lol....



Hahaha I write alot of my prose when high as a kite and even though I refine my work while sober, alot of my emotional scenes are created in a smokey haze. I have tried writing on other drugs with varying success, although some just make me want to draw not write.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

:glee:..... yeah....!


----------



## H.Brown (Jan 25, 2018)

Hahaha yeah I have sketch pads filled with random drawings and doodles from many a party, my friends got used to me leaving sketch books or pads of lined paper at theirs incase the need ever arose at an after part, it used to happen a lot.


----------



## sas (Jan 25, 2018)

Fire, 

I'll write about my splinters, if you write about yours. Fewer and fewer younger people talk to me at parties. Their loss.  

As for replacing cliche. Think along these lines:

telling me the same tired lies
while his eyes and his boner
said open your thighs

Last line seems off in cadence. No one else mentioned, so hmmmm. 
I might cut it down:

like cheap beer left in my glass

The things you let us "see" in this poem are expected in any imaginary dive....hazy smoke; a tattooed bouncer; flat beer. 
Give the reader something not expected to make it real. I know you experienced this, but truthfully, if I didn't, I would have thought you had made it up. Interject more details.  Maybe a split vinyl seat that pinched your ass. Stuff like that. Not kidding. 

Love that you wrote this!!!!!!


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

sas said:


> Fire,
> 
> I'll write about my splinters, if you write about yours. Fewer and fewer younger people talk to me at parties. Their loss.
> 
> ...




I understand what you are saying, sas... and I can't argue that you make a valid point about details... but in my opening lines of the poem I did say the dreams/ memories were hazy... hell.... maybe this was a dream... or maybe it really did happen... only the Bouncer in that bar knows the details.... hopefully. ... Ooo.... gawd... what if he took pics... with his phone....that just occurred to me ...


----------



## sas (Jan 25, 2018)

I am handicapped here. I have never been stoned. Drunk, by choice, only once, because my husband said I should try it. He promised to be the designated driver. That was always me.  Puked all the way home (cops pulled him over...luckily he hadn't a drop...cop thought story was funny), then had to go to work in the morning. Last time for me. I've absolutely no idea why anyone does it, on purpose.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2018)

sas said:


> I've absolutely no idea why anyone does it, on purpose.




Probably for the same reasons people die trying to reach the summit of Mount Everest every year... because it is THERE....


----------



## sas (Jan 25, 2018)

I actually mountain climb (no trail up) the Rockies every summer. Now that I understand! Big pay-off. No puke.


----------



## Nellie (Jan 26, 2018)

sas said:


> I actually mountain climb (no trail up) the Rockies every summer. Now that I understand! Big pay-off. No puke.



What about doing a 14er in the winter in the Rockies? A lot of folks who come out here to ski often feel like they are "stoned" on their first visit, due to the altitude. When we were living in TN., we came out here every winter and neither of my kids ever experienced altitude sickness.


----------



## Nellie (Jan 26, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> Depends on the... D of C for the evening... Some of my best poetry came from being stoned.... I thought I was a genius, until I read them sober... lol....



Glad you read them sober.


----------



## Nellie (Jan 26, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> Probably for the same reasons people die trying to reach the summit of Mount Everest every year...



Or the Matterhorn in Zermatt, Switzerland...... 

just as spectacular view as is in the Rockies......  many died trying like the sign there says......


----------



## Namyh (Jan 26, 2018)

Firemajic - I read this and got so lost in the past memories I forgot to remember of years gone by. Whoa! To tell the truth, I started smiling and I want to thank for inspiring the peaceful deep breath moments afterwards. Namyh


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 28, 2018)

Raw and real and yeah I get freebird cuz I'm old! I'll have to read this again and again to even suggest anything as a thought to revise.

Enjoyed and we may have passed on the street and never known it!

A~


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 30, 2018)

Thanks to everyone who liked, critiqued and commented on this poem... if you did not like it... try reading it stoned, it VASTLY improves the quality of my writing ....


----------

