# Septembers blow



## Mugician (Oct 1, 2009)

I've spent most of my life down in that murky pit of depression. It's too long of a story.

In September of last year, after having just graduated from high school I was living in Boulder, CO with a couple of friends. I was miserable. I've never had very many friends -- just two or three close ones, and then a whole bunch of meaningless acquaintances. It's not necessarily the way I want things to be, but I can't really handle people in general so I'm not really trying to change things.

So, I lived in Boulder for about two months, and near the end of it, my three best friends had a falling out. Us four, who were so close for five years disbanded. It couldn't have come at a worse time. I was incredibly depressed, and had no direction. I was living on my own for the first time, and I owed money to one of my good friends. I had no job, and everything just sucked. On Halloween morning, my cat was hit by a car. I moved back home that night.

The whole week leading up to that climax, everything and everyone was just spinning out of control. I came so close to ending my life that week. I've never considered suicide. I always hated the thought of it.

This is already getting long, and I have a lot to say...

The very first day of 2009 was incredible for me. My life completely turned around. You can read all about it here and here.

Basically, I thought I'd really kicked depression out the door. After spending my entire life being "severely" depressed, I was finally, consistently, TRULY happy. Fuckin' a.

Of course, it didn't last. And that's why you're here.

Somehow, that wonderful person who I was so deeply in love with cheated on me. And for a month it's been this grueling, exhausting back-and-forth thing. It has drained me of energy and happiness.

I have nobody left. All my close friends have dropped off the face of the planet. I'm stuck living with my brothers, and the house is a fucking pigsty and a nightmare. Having to be in close contact with your family when you have no connection with them is horrible, especially when you have nowhere to get out of the house to.

This asshole who started handling booking at the venue I've been playing at for 4 years won't give me a gig, even though I'm a better performer and musician than him, and instead gives himself three gigs a week.

I don't have a job, and I don't have money to make the record I so desperately need to give to the world.

Watching hopelessly since the end of July, my bank account has dwindled to nearly nothing.

My dad is depressed, and I fucking hate that.

I can't write for the life of me, even though I feel so much inspiration and have so many goddamn ideas.

I have a crumbling electric guitar rig, and no money to fix it.

And so in a month and a half, I've gone from the happiest I've ever been to more depressed than I've ever been in my life.

But wait, there's more.

My dog. My best friend for ten of the roughest and most important years of my life. My most cherished and beloved Golden Retriever, Riley.

Eight weeks ago, he swallowed a corn cob. Since then, he's been throwing pieces up. For about two weeks he'd be fine (happy and ageless; a fucking puppy) and then he'd get lethargic and throw a piece of corn cob up. This happened about three times over the last two months, and yesterday morning he threw another piece up. He was lethargic, and couldn't keep water or food down. We took him in because three weeks ago, we thought he'd gotten the goddamn thing out of his system.

The surgeon said he wanted to do an x-ray before anything. The x-ray (unlike the other x-rays over the last year) revealed a cancer in end stage. Some kind of heart cancer that causes internal bleeding. It had spread to his lungs which were full of blood, as well as the sack that surrounds the heart. At any moment over the last week he could have dropped dead. We took him in for a check up, and they told us we needed to euthanize him, or let him die slowly over the next couple of weeks with a high chance of it happening any minute, even though he had the energy of a puppy, and never, _ever_ showed any signs of pain.

They told us at around 6:30. My mother was in San Francisco for work. She flew home and got in around 9. The doctors took some of the blood that had flooded the sack surrounding his heart to make him more comfortable for the wait. They had to do it twice. Once at 6:40 while I was there, shortly before telling him I'd be back, and then again two hours later. While I wasn't there. He died. Before my mom landed. While nobody was there for him.

If it hadn't been for him, I'd have killed myself when I was thirteen. He was my childhood. He was all I ever had. I feel so empty today. Numb. After so much pain and suffering, and self loathing. And not being right fucking there, holding his head and scratching his ear... I can't feel any of the soul I've felt slowly disintegrate over the last month and a half. I can't feel anything anymore. I just can't believe I wasn't there with him.

I fucking hate September.


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## Dr. Malone (Oct 1, 2009)

Well.  That's no good.


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## Mugician (Oct 6, 2009)

Indeed. But now it is October. As much as I miss my dog and as angry as I am with "S" for fucking me over so completely, I did still just land an audition with a killer funk band.


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## Eluixa (Oct 7, 2009)

I am sorry you lost your pup, Mugician. And you will find another love, a sweeter one.


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## thinkbig (Oct 15, 2009)

Just think someone else always have it rougher than you.


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## RoundEye (Oct 15, 2009)

Your life sounds like an old Country song.


I can understand your feelings about September though. I was born September 16, 1965. Two weeks after hurricane Betsy devastated this city. Everybody my age grew up hearing the horror stories of hurricane Betsy.

Then on August 31st or September 1st of 2005, hurricane Katrina came in and stomped Betsy’s ass into the ground. Every story of Betsy became instantly irrelevant.

So yeah, I too can share in your hatred for September.


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## RoundEye (Oct 15, 2009)

thinkbig said:


> Just think someone else always have it rougher than you.




I try to do that too. But as I get older my list of “_people that are worse than me_” gets shorter and shorter.


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## Sigg (Oct 16, 2009)

it's sort of the nature of life, there will always be at least one person you perceive to be better off than you and if you look there will always be someone you perceive to be worse off than you.  if we just stop comparing ourselves to each other so much and just focus more on where we are right now, i think we'd all be a little happier.


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## RoundEye (Oct 16, 2009)

Sigg that’s really what I should do. Concentrate less on the things I can no longer do and concentrate more on the things I’m still able to do. 

That really is harder to do then some people like to think it is.


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## Sigg (Oct 16, 2009)

RoundEye said:


> Sigg that’s really what I should do. Concentrate less on the things I can no longer do and concentrate more on the things I’m still able to do.
> 
> That really is harder to do then some people like to think it is.


 
yeah, i think people tend to forget the difference between simplicity and difficulty.  the concept is very simple, but i think only the people who recognize the difficulty in actually doing it are at all successful.

everyone needs to do what makes sense to them


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## RoundEye (Oct 16, 2009)

I think being naive of how difficult the endeavor is makes some people take on the challenge too.


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## Sigg (Oct 16, 2009)

RoundEye said:


> I think being naive of how difficult the endeavor is makes some people take on the challenge too.


 
yeah i guess it depends on the person.  if the person is too afraid of failing to even try, then maybe it's better they think it's easy until they get started then hopefully they just keep going with it.  i suppose i could relate to that, but im the kind of person who thrives on challenge.  the thought that i _could_ fail just pumps me up and drives me that much harder.  unfortunately there haven't been too many things like that in my life, so mostly im unmotivated to do anything other than sit on my ass

although when it comes to something like what path to take in your life at this moment, it's not really as clear.  i mean i have a pretty good idea of how i approach life and the things in it, but everyone has their own way, even if that way is to do nothing or to do the 'wrong' thing.

reminds me of something from a book i recently read on neuro linguistic programming.  a common line that appeared a number of times was,

'if what you're doing isn't working, do something else'  again it sounds really simple but it can be very difficult.


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## RoundEye (Oct 16, 2009)

Sigg said:


> ...reminds me of something from a book i recently read on neuro linguistic programming.  a common line that appeared a number of times was,
> 
> 'if what you're doing isn't working, do something else'  again it sounds really simple but it can be very difficult...




Kind of sounds like what I tell my wife often

“_If it sucks, change it_”


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## RoundEye (Oct 16, 2009)

What’s the name of that book? I may be interested in reading it.

I found this of interest on Wiki.



> … "a system of alternative therapy based on this which seeks to educate people in self-awareness and effective communication, and to change their patterns of mental and emotional behaviour".



Wiki Link


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## Sigg (Oct 17, 2009)

RoundEye said:


> What’s the name of that book? I may be interested in reading it.
> 
> I found this of interest on Wiki.
> 
> ...


 

well NLP is a bit extreme... the book is called Frogs to Princes : Neuro Linguistic Programming.  it's essentially a transcript from a 3 day seminar these guys gave on NLP, adapted as a book.

it's interesting stuff but depending on what you're trying to accomplish, there could be better material for you to be reading.

one of the main points of NLP is that the subconscious is a primary controller in the things we do and NLP talks about techniques to get in touch with that.  it was created and is taught mostly in the realm of psycho therapy but the concepts are interesting nonetheless.

for example, one idea they talk a lot about is 'anchoring'.  the concept itself is probably something most people already know.  the idea is that an image, a sequence of sounds, a particular tone of voice, a person, anything at all really, can be tied or 'anchored' to a feeling.  For example, if when you are a kid and you got hurt your mom always ran her hand through your hair and said in a particular tone "everything will be all right". those things become anchored to that feeling of safety and comfort.  anchoring happens all the time without people noticing it, NLP tries to teach people to  be aware of how these things work so that you can intentionally manipulate those things to meet a goal.  in therapy the point would be to help someone work through their problem.

then you see the performers and magicians, they use that sort of thing too. guys like derren brown (i actually i really like him, he is honest about what he does.)

YouTube - Derren Brown NLP

there are really 2 parts to any of these techinques, reading the reaction and acting on what you've read.  you can't effectively create an anchor for a strong feeling if a.) you don't know how to invoke the feeling or b.) you don't recognize that the strong feeling is being felt

reading a person is a whole field that gets a little complicated.  something else ive been reading a lot about.  another book you might want to consider is 'Telling Lies' by Paul Ekman.  his perspective is much more scientific.  he talks about reading emotional reactions in facial expressions, body language, voice, the words that are spoken, and other indicators.

i like to read these things because i like to try to understand how the mind works. the 'why' behind everything people do.  i think everyone could benefit from knowing a little more about the 'why', it makes you more empathetic, more sympathetic and understanding.  5 years ago if someone said some rude shit id immediately react and get upset, now my first reaction is 'why did he do that?' and normally i can find a legitimate reason.  it really helps to see things from other peoples' perspective, because that in my opinion is the BEST way to improve communication and interpersonal relationships


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## RoundEye (Oct 17, 2009)

Sigg said:


> ... depending on what you're trying to accomplish ...



It’s like that Nine Inch Nails song. Something I Can Never Have.

I want something I can never have. I want my life back that I had before Multiple Sclerosis. So if I can’t ever have that, I need to explore other ways to make my head, mind and soul feel better. I’ve never read any self-help type books before, but at this point I’m open to any and all options for a way to help me accept this. I can’t change it, so I need to learn to accept it.


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## Sigg (Oct 17, 2009)

RoundEye said:


> It’s like that Nine Inch Nails song. Something I Can Never Have.
> 
> I want something I can never have. I want my life back that I had before Multiple Sclerosis. So if I can’t ever have that, I need to explore other ways to make my head, mind and soul feel better. I’ve never read any self-help type books before, but at this point I’m open to any and all options for a way to help me accept this. I can’t change it, so I need to learn to accept it.


 
Well if you want an option, you could look into the Soto School of Buddhism.  I've found a lot of powerful personal meaning in the practice and words, maybe there is something for you there too.

http://www.vidyaonline.net/arvindgupta/zenmind.pdf

actually i have the audio book version on my mp3 player so when im bored at work i can listen to it and still pretend to be doing something productive.

I don't want to tell you what the teachings are or what is talked about because it needs to be something you find your own meaning in. or if you read the first paragraph and think it's utter nonesense, move on to something else.

that's the difficulty though isn't it?  the inherent contradiction in the process of searching for your own path. you ask others their advice, they tell you their own path, not yours.

im trying not to sound too much like a fortune cookie, but if you want to know more then ask


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## RoundEye (Oct 17, 2009)

Sigg said:


> ...im trying not to sound too much like a fortune cookie...



Confucius say, man who jerk-off onto cash register, come into money.


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## fantasy girl (Oct 18, 2009)

Mugician, you say 'I can't write for the life of me' but if you wrote an autobiography, I'm pretty sure people would read it. So much has gone wrong in your life, but you're still here with us. No matter how hard your life is, people could take insiration from you, you always seem to have your head above the water, no matter how deep the ocean is. I would definatly read it. But yeah, you've had a pretty messed up life, try put that into writing, it doesnt matter how bad you are at it, you will get better, trust me.

Fantasy Girl xx


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## RoundEye (Oct 18, 2009)

I would guess that as we get older in life, we all have a story to tell. Sometimes humorous, sometimes tragic.

What separates the winners from the losers is, after they have fallen the winners will pull themselves back up eventually and continue on with life, the losers will pull the trigger and splatter their brains all over the wall. Game over. You lose.

I would hope that Mugician has made up his mind like I have, that no matter how much shit life throws at you and no matter how far you have fallen, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue on even more defiant against the crap life can throw at you.

I’d like to see Mugician make another post in this thread, just to let us know he hasn’t lost in the game of life.


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## Sigg (Oct 19, 2009)

> I’d like to see Mugician make another post in this thread, just to let us know he hasn’t lost in the game of life.


 
i think mugician has gotten over his original post a while ago,




> Indeed. But now it is October. As much as I miss my dog and as angry as I am with "S" for fucking me over so completely, I did still just land an audition with a killer funk band.


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## Mugician (Nov 8, 2010)

Here, and still kicking.

A year later, and I can confirm that Septembers are cursed for me. This year I was in Ireland with work lined up, and VERY long story short, employers bailed and I had to split the country. I'm over it, but damn, this is a trend.


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## Scarlett_156 (Nov 13, 2010)

To the OP:  There's no way I can say the following and sound "nice" or "caring" or "nurturing" or what have you; you're just gonna have to take my word for it that I'm not trying to harm you with my words here.  (I'm really not!  It's just that what I have to say I know doesn't sound nice to other people--although when people say stuff like this to me, it doesn't bother me.  It's one of them there what-you-call "dichotomy" type dealies, I suppose.)

So here goes: 

There may come a time in your life when no matter what you do or where you go, you will feel yourself garnering more attention than you strictly feel you deserve.  As a musician, you likely have already had that feeling (or at least I hope you have! you can't be a successful or semi-successful performer without wondering every so often--especially when you're sick, have a lot of problems, or are hung over--exactly why all those surrounding you seem either to love or hate you with so much passion). 

The time of feeling yourself to be undeserving of excessive attention from your fellow human beings is obviously not now!  Regardless of who may actually in fact be thinking about you, you do not feel yourself to be "thought about" in any sort of way that is helpful or meaningful to you. 

When I feel alone, lonely, unrecognized, ignored, overlooked, or unimportant--that makes me happy.  I know you think that's a fvked-up thing to say to someone with your type of problem, but I would like to suggest that maybe you should rethink that.  

Somebody who's everybody's darling, constantly surrounded by the waxing/waning flux of love and hate produced by one's fans and enemies, can never have the really keen thrill of the realization that one is independent, autonomous, and an individual capable of exercising free will and self-determination.  

My understanding and recognition of my own personal freedom was hatched in the dying embers of my life's _status quo_.  Loneliness and isolation had to become complete before I could suddenly grasp my self-determination, and know what it really was.  

Understanding that the universe didn't give a flying fvck about me or my individual fortunes evolved from a hollow fear that used to wake me from sound sleep, to a cynical aphorism uttered in moments of weary despair or drunkenness, to a comfortable maxim that, like a cup of chamomile tea and a good book, can send me into a state of blissful, dreamless, comfort.  The universe doesn't care; God doesn't care; no other person cares; I don't care....... mmmmm.........  *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

If you don't crack under the heat and pressure, eventually you become a diamond. 

Friendships and relationships are like days; they come and go.  Like the days, relationships are anything but meaningless; each day and each friendship adds toward a sum of a life experienced.  

And also like the days, friendships and relationships can't be frozen in time.  The day will always end; it's what the day meant to you, the effect it had on your individual consciousness, that makes the difference.  

Again, sorry if this sounds sort of cold and uncaring.  You seem like a strong person underneath your doubt and anxiety, so I figure you can read what I wrote here for you without falling apart.


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