# September 2015 - LM - Recycled Parts - Scores



## kilroy214 (Sep 28, 2015)

Recycled Parts Scores
at long last they've arrived

*Allysan         *
*amsawtell*
*AtleanWordsmith*
*      avg.*
astroannie
19
16
20
18.3
InstituteMan
19
16
20
18.3
Joshybo
19
15
20
18
HarperCole
16
15
19
16.6
Steph London
14
16
17
15.6
Sleepwriter
18
12
17
15.6
Saeria
16
13
17
15.3
W.Goepner
18
12
16
15.3
Riptide
17
11
18
15.3
rcallaci
17
13
14
14.6
7zark7
15
11
13
13
Teb
12
10
11
11
bdcharles
-
-
-
DQ*
M. Cull
-
-
-
DQ**
Arthur G. Mustard
-
-
-
DQ**

​
 
In 1st place we have a TIE between* astroannie's* _Ransom's Secret Revealed _and* InstituteMan's *_Parts to Number, Parts to Name_

In 3rd place we have *Joshybo* with_ A New Journey_

*-disqualified for going over 650 word limit. **-disqualified for editing over allotted time​
Stay tuned for judges comments


[spoiler2=Allysan's scores]

 HarperCole

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20


    When I think of the prompt of Recycled Parts, a robot theme is really the first that comes to mind. I would tell you it's a tad unoriginal, but I think it fits for you. Seems that it's your 'thing'. (Totally basing that off your avatar.) That said, I think it was brilliantly executed. I loved that you applied human-like qualities to Lucy. It veered into a bit of information-dump about halfway through, but given the word limit and need for Theseus' backstory, I don't see any way around that. I couldn't figure out why you used apostrophes in place of quotation marks throughout. That accounts for the point off in SPaG. Nice ending, it made me think. I guess the message I took away was that you can alter your physical being completely, but you can't switch out your soul. Well done. 


Saeria


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20


Your opening sentence really drew me in. The sentence after that tripped me up. It was wordy and I had to read it multiple times to make sense of it. There were a few missed opportunities for commas throughout, so I pulled a point off of SPaG for that. On a more positive note, I thought this story was hilarious. I have a soft spot for slightly dark and gross humor. Overall I thought it was smart and imaginative. It left me hoping that maybe just part of this story has some truth to it. (Specifically the naughty neighbor getting what's coming to them.) well done.


W. Goepner 


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18/20


Other than a few run-on sentences and missed commas, I couldn't find anything to critique in your story. It was imaginative and entertaining. Well done!


Arthur G. Mustard


SPaG: -
Tone: -
Effect: -
Overall: DQ


I really enjoyed the progression here. The facts were revealed at just the right times to keep me chomping at the bit. I loved the revelation that Captain Diesel is actually a dog at the end and that the pair got the last laugh over the society which cast them out. Very well done. 


7zark7


SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20


This was a sad story. I would have liked to see a little more passion from the woman, other than slamming a door. maybe have her slam the photo down, throw a chair around or throw out a few choice words. Overall, I think you set the tone well. There were a few run on sentences and in one dialogue there was an extra "the" that I'm sure was just an oversight. In another sentence you put had instead of has, another oversight but it kind of threw me off as far as tense goes. Overall, a good story, I just wish it'd packed a bit more punch. 


Teb


SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 12/20


Your first sentence is a run-on which could be broken into two or even three sentences. When you have long sentences like that, you run the risk of losing your readers interest, I believe. Not good for an opener, especially. 

It should have been "ornate carvings flowed and seemed to shift" that one word "flow" took you out of tense briefly. 


   In the second paragraph, you used the term 'very' three times. You could cut them all out or maybe leave just one and still get your point across. 


    Another tense issue in the first flew lines of the 'Now' section. It should have been "has" instead of "had." There are a few other tense and mistaken word issues throughout, but I think you can find them on your own if you look hard enough. 


    As this piece was written from a first person POV I would have liked to see a bit more emotion from your MC. Overall, an interesting enough story to get me all the way through. Well done. 


StephLondon


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 14/20


I always enjoy stories about tough women. You provided decent insight into her struggle after losing her arm, but I'd like to have seen more about how she lost it or seen a little of the fight between her and the rhino man. The piece dance around action scenes, leaving a little to be desired. 


 The second paragraph bothered me. I think you should have worded things differently. "It shook, scattering daggers and knives across the floor," would pack  more punch. The next sentence just confused me, I would have left out that she ignored the pain, it seemed more like she was shaking it off. 


Overall, a decent peek into something that could be much bigger, assuming this is a piece of your WIP. If not, you should really consider it. There's a high demand for this sort of thing, I believe. Well done. 


Institute man 


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20


I may be alone in this, but I thought this piece was amazing. I loved the insight into the MC's insanity. Granted, I had to read through a few times to really understand it, but when you start throwing out word origins, my brain slows down. I loved the quote about the mason, I read that paragraph a hundred times. Beautiful work here, gripping. Well done. 


Bdcharles


SPaG:-
Tone: -
Effect: -
Overall: DQ


I have no clue what to make of this entry. It left me with more questions than answers, which I find dissatisfying. I don't think the style worked for me, really, as I was confused the whole way through. Where are they being recycled to? New bodies? Who is speaking down to them? Are they in space? What happened to John? I find myself wanting more and simultaneously wanting to put it down and walk away. If that's what you're going for, then well done! I tend to enjoy mystery, but with so many unanswered questions, I'm frustrated.  


Riptide


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17/20


There's not much to critique here. It's well written, entertaining. The only negative thing I have to say is that I wish you'd used something other than car parts. I think it would've been more creative to use old tanks or military plane parts, but that's a personal opinion. Still, well done! 


M. Cull


SPaG: -
Tone: -
Effect: -
Overall: DQ


A bit of light, fun reading to brighten my day! The only critique I have here is your overuse of -ly's, which I'm sure you've heard before. Overall, highly entertaining. Well done! 


Rcallaci


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17/20


Well, that escalated quickly. What began as a sweet little fairy tale, soon took a dark turn that made my stomach twist and I kind of loved it. I only wish the end hadn't felt so abrupt. The Mage deserved a little more in the way of making those Buggerbites suffer! Well done. 


Astroannie


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20


Great piece! I liked that it read like an article. Far different than any other entry this month. I couldn't find one bad thing to say. 


Joshybo


SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20


I admire your bravery in writing a first person POV of the opposite sex. It was very well done. The only thing is that I thought you could have dropped the sentence about how much the MC had in common with the car and cut right into the rest of that paragraph. Otherwise, I struggled hard to find something to critique here! Good job!


Sleepwriter

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18/20


Other than a few missing commas and some punctuation towards the very end, I struggled to find anything to critique here. I really enjoyed the story, well done.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=amsawtell's scores] 

*The Ship of Theseus
*_HarperCole_

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *15/20

 Harper, your story was really well done.  Strong bit of science-fiction you’ve crafted here and it follows some of the most basic of science-fiction tenants—make your audience think about the possible consequences of their technology and make them question the intersection of humanity and technology.  Well done.

 I have only two grammatical nits:

_“I don’t have one. I’m a human.”_
I would cut out the a in the second sentence here.  It flows better and sounds more human without the article.

 The second is to add a few tags to your dialogue.  I don’t usually have a problem following dialogue with minimal tags but I seem to be in the minority.

 One question.  Does her smile audibly click?  I think of “click” as a sound.  If it doesn’t make a sound I would think about changing that phrase.

*Those Ain’t My Rats*
_Saeria_

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *5/10

*Overall:  *13/20

 I like revenge stories over horrible neighbors.  I’m sure we all have neighbors like this.

 This voice was really passive.  I’m sure it was meant to be humorous but I couldn’t get on board because the action was so bogged down with the passive voice.  You would have had more room to work in more interaction and characterization of the neighbors if you had used fewer “to be” verbs.

_“One of my greater traits is that I become an evil genius when provoked.  I concocted the greatest scheme of all time.”_
Cut this.  That’s 22 words that you could have used for other things in this story.  Instead of telling us that this character is devious when provoked _show_ us that that’s what happens—which is what you later do.  Your readers aren’t dumb, they get that this is a devious revenge plot.

*Grandma’s Attic*
_W. Goepner_

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:  *12/20

 I was just singing your praises the other day Goepner.  This story is sweet when I was expecting something scarier.  It was a pleasant surprise.

 I’m a little puzzled as to the setting, Goepner.  Calling Serine a spinster seems old-fashioned to me.  You have a point-of-view shift from the first paragraph to the second.  You’ll use fewer words (and thus have more room to expand on setting or other parts of the story) if you keep the whole thing in first person.

 I think something like this might work better to start off your story: _“Serine never knew what she might find in Grandma Anne’s attic.  Often it was a puzzle or chest of clothes Grandma Anne wore when she was younger . . .”_

You also have a few places where you drop into a different tense and in the scene where Serine hears something calling her name you use some iteration of “call” five times within eight sentences.  I think you should mix that up a little.  

 I’m a little confused by the phrase “Now everyone knows to assemble the body before installing the heart and mind.”  I like it; I think it’s beautifully odd and I think that you could refocus the story around that phrase alone but I certainly didn’t know anything about building a person.

*Rejected, Redundant, Non Returnable*
_Arthur G. Mustard_

*SPaG: -*
*Tone: -*
*Effect: -*

*Overall: * DQ

 Arthur, this was fun to read and fairly well constructed.  I think you did a fine job of establishing that Seashell Jack was a little insane .  I’m fairly sure that the last four paragraphs are delusions.

_“The conversation went one way, with Diesel just sat on the couch . . .”_
This should be re-worded to be less clunky.  I’m also pretty sure that the entire sentence on either side of the semi-colon can be cut into four sentences like so:  _“The conversation went one way.  Diesel sat on the couch just listening.  Seashell didn’t really want a reply.  He was letting off a little steam about better times.” _

You have a habit after proper abbreviations like “TV” or “CD” of using an apostrophe to indicate plurals.  Don’t use an apostrophe for that purpose.  Apostrophes never indicate plurals; they always indicate contractions or possessiveness.
_“ . . .it was here; all here . . .”_
Cut “all here.”

_“His heart nearly stopped as water, sea water began to swirl and fill the bay.”_
There needs to be a comma after the second instance of water as “sea water” is an aside.

_“Five years work would be . . .”_
Five years’ work . . . This is a plural possessive.

“ . . . the knowledge from the no longer needed books.”
Just say cast-off or something similar.  It’ll save you words, get the point across, and (in the case of cast-off) emphasize the nautical theme.

*The girl with the balloons*
_7zark7_

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *5/10

*Overall:  *11/20

 I thought this read like “Repo! The Genetic Opera” but less fun or humorous.

 There is a tense shift from the first paragraph to the second.  I’m also curious about the oddly run-down offices and yet this is supposed to be “big business?”

_“We really do need the them . ..”_
There’s a typo with “the.”

I’m not taking a point for this but all nouns within titles are capitalized.  Your title should be “The Girl with the Balloons.”

*Then and Now*
_Teb_

*SPaG: *2/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *4/10

*Overall:  *10/20

 This was an interesting venture into fantasy.  I think I would have preferred seeing the character a little bit more before he found this armor.  I don’t know who he is and so I have no idea why he went looking for this power.

_“I will never know who’s grave . . .”_
Who should be “whose.”
_“ . . . ornate carvings flow . . ._
 Flowed.

_“I soon learnt . . .”_
Learned.

“ . . . a Necromancers life.”
Necromancer’s—the apostrophe in this instance indicates possessiveness.

“Corpses are not the best conversationalist around, but when your reviled . . .”
Conversationalists, and you’re  (Your is possessive while you’re is a contraction of “you are”).

The most consistent grammatical error in this piece is that you’ve used it’s for every instance of its.  It’s is a contraction for “it is” while “its” is the possessive.

*Right to the Bone*
_StephLondon_

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *16/20

 This was fun to read.  I really enjoyed the characterization and the plot.

_“There was little left of her personality from before the incident . . .”_
I would cut this.  It’s telling and not showing and also completely not necessary.

*Parts to Number, Parts to Name*
_InstituteMan_

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *16/20

 I personally enjoy entomology and thought Bobby was pleasantly intelligent even if he’s crazy.  The story starts to break down a little near the end and becomes a little difficult to follow—which is completely fine for showing how the narrator’s mind is breaking down.  I’m not sure how much is delusion and how much is going on.

“Winand fire one, two . . .”
I think there’s a missing space here.

*Recycled Parts, Replacement Hearts*
_bdcharles

_*SPaG: -
**Tone: -*
*Effect: -*

*Overall:  *DQ

Mr. Charles I had very little trouble with your story until the end.  It felt like science-fiction but near the end it seemed more like one of those stories about the afterlife and rebirth. I don’t think there’s enough of a mix of the two to really let me know one way or another.

 There is a space missing in the last line.

*Car Parts*
_Riptide_

*SPaG: *2/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:  *11/20

 I really enjoyed the sarcastic and humorous overtones of this piece and the implications of this story are terrifying.

_“. . .Martin ache in pity, so today he would brighten this old man’s day.”_
 “ . . .Martin ache in pity, so today he thought he would brighten this old man’s day.

_“He went up to him, crossed his overgrown yard, and sat on the bench.”_
This is out of order in the sequence of events.  The way this is worded it sounds like he approached Sergeant Ginger then approached him again.  I would also change “crossed his overgrown yard” to “crossed _the_ overgrown yard.”

_“Course you are . . .”_
This should be course you do.  This references the pity that Martin feels which is an action (of sorts).  Saying “course you are” implies that Martin _is_ pity.

_“Mr. Ginger had jokes.”_
This should be “Mr. Ginger had to be joking.”  I’m all for getting rid of “to be” verbs wherever they may hide but sometimes you have to give in and let them stay.

“ . . .My army fellows and I have a theory, though, that it was planned, because miraculously we didn’t die. “
Perhaps change fellows to buddies.  I would put a period after “though,” drop the “that” after it and make “it” the start of a new sentence.  I would also put miraculously between commas as an aside.

 Poor Sergeant Ginger.

*Clearance*
_M. Cull_

*SPaG: -*
*Tone: -*
*Effect: -*

*Overall:  *DQ

 I appreciated the humor of this piece.  It was just strange and quirky enough to support the humor.  You’ve done a good job of building up to that punchline.

 I would have preferred having dialogue tags in that first long block.  I felt that it was a little late to see Charles labeled as the first speaker when you finally did identify the characters.  I don’t mind that you opened with dialogue but I had to go back and re-read the dialogue to understand what was spoken first.

_“The two speakers stood in a long line . . .”_
They’re not exactly standing are they?

“. . . with nery a torso in sight.”
Nary.  I double checked with the dictionary.

*Buggerbites*
_rcallaci_

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:  *13/20

 Bob, you have a knack for creating these beautiful fairy-tale worlds and then twisting just enough to make them creepy.  I would not want these “living toys.” 

_“Many a young man or women . . .”_
I would change “man or women” to “buggerbite.”  I think naming them earlier than you do would be more effective.

_“By us I mean normal sized humans . . .”_
There needs to be a comma after us as this is an aside.

_“Those tiny little mouse midgets . . .”_
I would drop “tiny little” and hyphenate “mouse-midgets.”  It’s redundant.

_“With the wave of my, I mean his staff, millions . . .”_
I would rephrase this as “With _a_ wave of my, I mean his_,_ staff millions . . .”

_“The forest still retained many of the Buggerbites magics . . .”_
There needs to be an apostrophe after the “s” in “Buggerbites” as this is a plural possessive. 

*Ransom’s Secret Revealed*
_astroannie_

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *7/10

*Overall:  *16/20

 Annie, this sounds like it would make writing so much easier.  It also kind of sounds like a jab at the romance market.  From my understanding there’s a formula that most romance publishers have their writers follow—right down to the page number that the first kiss begins on.  

*A New Journey*
_Joshybo_

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect: *6/10

*Overall:  *15/20

 Joshy, you have a talent for creating these stories that are deeply touching and which display a slice of life.  Yet, even when they’re showing some of the darker parts of life like abuse they have a message of hope.

_“ . . . she reached me the keys . . .”_
 “She handed me the keys.” 

*Fair Deal*
_Sleepwriter_

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect: *5/10

*Overall:  *12/20

 I like the ending of this.  It’s dark and kind of funny at the same time.

 The majority of this is telling instead of showing which made it dull to read.  We’re told who these characters are instead of being shown who they are.

_“ . . . Jim thought he saw the corner’s of his mouth rise . . .”_
Either it’s “corners” or “corner”  The corner doesn’t own anything.  Also, instead of saying “his mouth” I would say “Ronnie’s mouth” just to keep the subject and object clear. [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=AtleanWordsmith's scores] *HarperCole
 "The Ship of Theseus"
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect:  10/10
 Overall: 19/20

* The opening sentence kind of falls flat, which is a shame since the rest of the piece is so well-done.  I might have worded it:

 "Lucy-XK33100's welcoming smile clicked into place as the warehouse door creaked open."

 Flows a bit more smoothly that way.  The rest of the story, though... wow.  When I threw out the prompt, I wasn't expecting anything like this.  It's brilliant, down to the end.  Great job, Harper.  Keep it up!

 ______________________________

*Saeria
 "Those Ain't My Rats"
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect:  9/10
 Overall: 17/20*

 A good story overall, with a clear beginning, middle, and end despite the word limit.  The struggle was very apparent, and the ending was extremely satisfying, however, you sort of lost me around the line "One of my greater traits..."

 I personally wouldn't have had the character describe themselves as an evil genius, I would have simply had them state that they had found a solution, it's a bit more subtle that way.

 A good read nonetheless!  A unique take on the prompt.  Keep it up!
 ______________________________

*W.Goepner
 Grandma's Attic
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  5/5
 Effect:  6/10
 Overall: 16/20*

 A nice, cheerful tale with a bit of a whimsical twist.  The twist wasn't quite as suprising as you may have wanted it to be, but it works nonetheless.  The biggest thing I noticed was that I felt it didn't quite follow the prompt, but that's all subjective.  I enjoyed reading it nonetheless.  Keep going!
 ______________________________

*Arthur G. Mustard
 Rejected, Redundant, Non Returnable
 Spelling/Grammar: -
 Tone/Voice: -
 Effect: -
 Overall: DQ*

 This was a well-written piece, but I found myself unable to really follow it.  The first part of the piece transitions rather awkwardly into the second part, and it seems like you could have added something to better indicate a passage of time, if that's what indeed happened.

 Still, I enjoyed reading and found myself a bit disappointed that I don't know more about Seashell Jack, so good job!  Keep up the good work.
 ______________________________

*7zark7
 The girl with the balloons
 Spelling/Grammar:  4/5
 Tone/Voice:  3/5
 Effect:  6/10
 Overall: 13/20*

 You've got a lot of potential here, but I feel that you lost a lot of it by using the third person present tense point of view, which can be unattractive at times, and makes exposition seem clunky.  Of course, everyone's different, so you might not run into that with other readers, but for me it ruined the tone and effect of the story.


 I can sense what you were going for here, though, so you're doing pretty well.  Keep writing, it's the only way you're going to improve.  Looking forward to seeing more from you in the future.
 ______________________________

*Teb
 Then and now
 Spelling/Grammar:  3/5
 Tone/Voice:  2/5
 Effect:  6/10
 Overall: 11/20*

 The first thing I thought when I saw this was "wall of text."  Remember that presentation and formatting are both important when writing.  You could have easily broken some of this up to make it more palatable.

 You should also keep in mind the differences in possessives and contractions, such as "its" and "it's, "whose" and "who's," "your" and "you're."  Little things like that can make or break the tone of the piece for some readers, and the constant presence of these errors hurt you here.

 All-in-all, this feels like you rushed to get this onto paper and into the LM workshop.  My advice for the future is to slow down, read back over what you've written, and use natural breaks in the narrative to form new paragraphs, et cetera.

 I'm glad to see that you're taking an interest in the LM, so keep at it.  Just slow down a bit.
 ______________________________

*Steph London
 Right to the Bone
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect:  8/10
 Overall: 17/20*

 Well-written, though a bit choppy in places.  Keeping an eye out for redundant descriptions and restructuring one or two of your sentences might have helped you here, such as:

_She turned and kicked the table of weapons beside her, grunting.  It shook as a few daggers and knives fell to the floor._

 Might have been smoother as:

_She grunted as she turned to kick the table beside her, and knives and daggers clattered to the floor._

 One of our own Mentors here once told me that editing is basically looking for anything that you can remove and removing it.  Obviously, you don't want to remove everything, but one or two words here and there not only helps, it gives you extra wiggle room to work with in competitions like these.

 Keep up the good work, though!  Hope to see you enter in October.
 ______________________________

*InstituteMan
 Parts to Number, Parts to Name
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect:  10/10
 Overall: 20/20*

 Simply written, but remarkably entertaining, and possibly the most unique take on the prompt I've yet seen.  Just wonderful, blew me out of the water.  Keep it up!
 ______________________________

*bdcharles
 Recycled Parts, Replacement Hearts
 Spelling/Grammar:  -/5
 Tone/Voice:  -/5
 Effect:  -/10
 Overall: DQ*

 Lost my review of this one when I lost my scores, so I'm sorry, bdcharles.  My review basically boiled down to that I thought this well-written and would read more if it became available.

 Keep writing!
 ______________________________

*Riptide
 Car Parts
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  5/5
 Effect:  8/10
 Overall: 18/20*

 Not bad, not bad at all!  An interesting take on the prompt, though the ending felt a bit abrupt, which robbed it of some of the humor (if that's what you were going for). You had a bit of wiggle room left to work with, I might've taken a more subtle route with it.  Still, looking forward to seeing more of your work here, so keep writing!
 ______________________________

*M. Cull
 Clearance
 Spelling/Grammar:  -
 Tone/Voice: -
 Effect: -
 Overall: DQ*

 A great take on the prompt, and a funny (if horrifying) twist at the end.  Enjoyed reading, looking forward to more from you.  Keep it up!
 ______________________________

*rcallaci
 Buggerbites
 Spelling/Grammar:  4/5
 Tone/Voice:  3/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 14/20*

 Sorry, man, but you didn't really capture me with this one.  The overall tone was dry and explanitory, you might have been better served telling a story in the here and now, rather than treating it as a history lesson.  You could have incorporated the prompt a bit better, too, maybe by telling the story from the point of view of the Buggerbites as they decide what to do with a fresh kill.

 "Save the bones for _____'s house," or something along those lines.

 Still, we live and learn.  Hope to see more of your work in the future, keep on writing!
 ______________________________

*astroannie
 Ransom's Secret Revealed
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  5/5
 Effect:  10/10
 Overall: 20/20*

 Definitely an interesting medium to use for this competition, and a very effective one, too, though I may have a soft spot for the news article format.  It's a great way to use exposition to tell a story without seeming too dry.

 You had a very creative take on the prompt, too, I like that a few people had the notion to bring up recycled ideas as well as physical parts, it's something that I would have never thought to do.

 Keep it up!

 #FrankenFiction
 ______________________________

*joshybo
 A New Journey
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  5/5
 Effect:  10/10
 Overall: 20/20*

 This piece resonated with me.  I'm not sure about the events that set Kate's journey into motion, but I know the feeling of making a new beginning well.  You've tugged on my heartstrings, joshybo.  Good work, keep it up!
 ______________________________

*Sleepwriter
 Fair Deal
 Spelling/Grammar:  4/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect:  9/10
 Overall: 17/20*

 I liked this piece, had a decent story, and I didn't see the twist at the end coming, which made it all the more satisfying.  I feel that you were missing a bit of punctuation in places and the dialogue was a bit stiff, which robbed the story of a bit of tone and effect, but overall, a great read.  Keep it up! [/spoiler2]



If any mistakes are found, please bring them to my attention. We welcome any members to like any of the stories of the LM Thread: Recycled Parts at this time. Thank you to all the judges, and to all the members who submitted. Best of luck to all on the next one!​


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## AtleanWordsmith (Sep 28, 2015)

Congrats to our winners and many thanks to our contestants!  Hopefully you'll find your way back here in October!

Many thanks to Kilroy and my fellow judges, as well.  Without you guys, there wouldn't be an LM.


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## joshybo (Sep 28, 2015)

Thank you to the judges for your time in judging so many entries!  I appreciate your comments.  Allysan, I very much so agree with your suggestion about cutting that one line.  I had the same thought myself after reading it back a day or so later, but it was too late by then, unfortunately.   I believe this to be the first time I've ever received a 20 in the LM from anybody, however, so that feels like a win in and of itself.

Congratulations, also, to annie and InstituteMan.  I figured one of those entries for the winner, so splitting the honor seems fitting.  It was an incredible field this month and I am already looking forward to the next one!


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## rcallaci (Sep 28, 2015)

congrats to the winners- thanks to the judges for their time and effort-


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## Ariel (Sep 28, 2015)

Congratulations to all of our contestants.  Very happy that all of you have entered and I enjoyed all of these entries.


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## StephLondon (Sep 28, 2015)

Congratulations anstroannie, InstituteMan, and Joshyboy! All entries, in my opinion, were excellent, and I think it was a great first impression for me in terms of what to expect. A huge thank you to the judges; I can't imagine critiquing so many stories with such detail, but I sincerely appreciate all of the feedback.


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## TKent (Sep 28, 2015)

Congrats to all!!


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## Sleepwriter (Sep 28, 2015)

Congrsts to the winners and a big Thank you to the judges.    My dang dialogue, I've got to work on that.  I have such a hard time writting it.   I will find a way to improve it though.


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## aj47 (Sep 28, 2015)

Wow!  IM, I thought yours was astounding and I'm honored to share with you.

Thank you to the judges ... I know it's a tough job and I appreciate the attention paid to all of our entries.

And to the other entrants. This was a solid field.  Keep it up.  The more you write, the better you get.


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## InstituteMan (Sep 28, 2015)

Wowser--that's a surprise to me! This was a strong, strong group. Any time I am in the company of Annie, I know I am doing something right!


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## aj47 (Sep 28, 2015)

I misspelled Lobachevsky.  I didn't realize it till I came to tell you the joke. [video]https://youtu.be/gXlfXirQF3A [/video](I can't seem to get it to embed).


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## InstituteMan (Sep 28, 2015)

Now that I've had a moment to read the judge's comments, I have to add a serious thank you to Allysan, Ams, and AW for all of your efforts. Reading so many pieces and still giving meaningful feedback is HARD. 

Thank you to Kilroy as well--organizing these contests and herding the cats isn't simple.

These contests are a ton of fun for both the participants and the spectators, but this is a ton of work, too. Thank you!


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## W.Goepner (Sep 29, 2015)

First I did not quite make the top five. Rats! Second at least I got uniformed critiques. I can build on that. 

The ending well I had a few ways to run it. That one fell into place.

Hey amsawtell, that "call" thing I did, yup a bad habit. I wish I could have caught it. The switching from one POV to the other I had hopped it to be a way of saying it was all Serine's POV, something like she was telling the story and inserted herself into the first person singular.  I must have failed some how. 

As to how to assemble a person, well that goes with some logic I would hope. If the head is not connected to the body would it live when the brain was put in? If the heart were inserted into a incomplete body would it not bleed out? Maybe I put too much thought into it and cut myself short on words. 

Well I thank you and the other judges for your time and effort. If I can wrap my mind around the next prompt I will enter. I have to wait and see.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Sep 29, 2015)

Why was I disqualified?


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Sep 29, 2015)

I have just checked and it looks like I "edited" 2 or 3 minutes after posting!!!! This was due to issues with copying from word and the paragraphing.  Nothing else changed.  Bit naffed off, bit of a waste of time.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Sep 29, 2015)

Arthur, the rules in the LM thread state that you get a 10 minute grace period for editing your entry.  The timestamps show that you posted yours at 11:16 AM on September 5th and that your last edit was at 11:39 AM the same day, which is 23 minutes.  That's why you were disqualified.

It wasn't a total waste of time, either.  You still got feedback from the judges.  Just treat this as a learning experience. You're likely to have problems in transition wherever you copy and paste from, even if it's just Notepad.  Next time you enter one of the LM competitions, use the Preview button (or, if you're posting from the Quick Reply box, the Go Advanced button will give you a preview if you click it) so that you can see if there was a smooth transition from whatever editor you're using.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Sep 29, 2015)

I'm cross with myself and no one else, literally kicking myself.  Bit too old to worry about it, I know rules are rules and was just generally naffed off with a DQ. I wouldn't care if it were days or hours and would have DQ'd myself.

Anyway, Iron Maiden were two minutes to midnight

Motley Cruel were ten seconds to love

And Mustard is Too many minutes over da rules. Ha ha, stand in the corner boy.

Might post it in the prose workshop.

Cheers me dears.


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## M. Cull (Sep 29, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners! And let me also echo others' hearty thanks to the Judges and to Kilroy for making this happen. 

I'm pretty sad I got disqualified, but the experience taught me a valuable lesson - never, ever try to do any editing whatsoever from a firefox browser running in Android. It was all sorts of ridiculous. And it was all because I just wanted a few words in italics...

Anyway, thanks to the judges for the feedback! Till next time.

M.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Sep 29, 2015)

Just a note here.

I've noticed that when I paste from word (I don't use the advanced option because it never seems to work for me), I'll notice the formatting has already been messed up. So I edit in the box (separate the paragraphs and such) before I actually post, Sometimes I can catch a typo or two along the way. Once I post, I go over it again to make sure I didn't miss anything (paragraph breaks, typos, static cling, etc), and I try to get everything straight within the ten minute time limit. Hope it helps


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## aj47 (Sep 29, 2015)

This is how I do it from Word (in Chrome) and make it work.

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/142394-Coffee-Bar?p=1860631&viewfull=1#post1860631


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## Ariel (Sep 29, 2015)

I know that the pasting process will rip my specialty fonts from my writing so instead for things I post here I always write out the formatting code.

[ i ] [ / i ] =italics when wrapped around text and without the extra spaces.
[ b ] [ / b ] =bold with the same caveats as italics
[ u ] [ / u ] =underline

I post from my phone, a lot, and find that the text editor keys don't often work for me--they're frustrating and complicated.  (And tiny).


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## Deleted member 56686 (Sep 29, 2015)

Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to derail. I just wanted to give my experience on my formatting here since that may have been an issue with the DQs

So, I'll just add my congratulations to Annie and IM (and I guess Joshybo too for the bronze).


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## Harper J. Cole (Sep 29, 2015)

Once again, congratulations to the judges and thanks to the winners ... !

 :champagne:



> I couldn't figure out why you used apostrophes in place of quotation marks throughout. That accounts for the point off in SPaG.




In the UK the usage of single and double quotes is reversed from what it is in America. Not sure whether I should be trying to use the American conventions, but it's simpler for me if I don't have to.


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## Allysan (Sep 29, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> In the UK the usage of single and double quotes is reversed from what it is in America. Not sure whether I should be trying to use the American conventions, but it's simpler for me if I don't have to.[/COLOR]



Wow that is good to know for the future! What an ignorant American I am, giving a bad name to us all! Sorry for the point off then, Harper.


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## Harper J. Cole (Sep 29, 2015)

No critisism of you intended (and I still would have finished in the same place). Actually we follow the American convention in newspapers, only reversing the double and single quotes for books, just to make things confusing ...


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## Ariel (Sep 29, 2015)

I wouldn't count off if I notice that it's consistent throughout the piece.


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## Cran (Sep 29, 2015)

Yes, the loss of formatting data from word processors to forum posts is annoying, and the only solutions are to edit in preview mode or to manually insert the formatting BB codes. Even then, some basic hidden codes are not always picked up or are doubled up, so that sometimes the paragraphs are lost altogether or they are altered to quad-spaced. We cannot stress enough the advice to use the Advanced and Preview options when posting important works. 



HarperCole said:


> In the UK the usage of single and double quotes is reversed from what it is in America. Not sure whether I should be trying to use the American conventions, but it's simpler for me if I don't have to.





Allysan said:


> Wow that is good to know for the future! What an ignorant American I am, giving a bad name to us all! Sorry for the point off then, Harper.


Because the forum spans the English-speaking world, we try to accept all conventions for spelling, grammar, referencing and formatting, checking only that whatever conventions are used remain consistent in the work. This works for Aussies like me because Oz can not decide which convention to impose and so both English and American forms turn up everywhere, even in officialdom.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Sep 29, 2015)

A good competition, well done to the winners and judges,  a few issues with DQ, but this has been coupled with good feedback and advice with regard to posting. But wait, why worry? Bring on the October challenge and remember to start behaving because Santa is watching all the good girls and boys!


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## kilroy214 (Sep 29, 2015)

I was saddened that 3 entries were disqualified this go round. Had I a little more experience at hosting I think I could have helped out with a few of them.


In any case, the poll will be closing in about a days time, so if you haven't voted, hop to it!

We are also in need of at least one more judge, so if you want to toss your hat in the ring or come on back for old time's sake, speak now!


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## LOLeah (Sep 29, 2015)

I must say I loved astroannie's story! I thought it was such an interesting spin on the prompt and also a unique way to cram a story into 650 words. I'm kicking myself for never thinking of the news story angle before, it's brilliant.


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## Phil Istine (Sep 30, 2015)

The very first challenge that I tried (non-fiction LM), I had trouble getting my head around the formatting; what shows up in "advanced mode" isn't always exactly what you see when posting  (I tried to indent new paragraphs with spaces but the HTML stripped them out when posting).  After I posted, I edited the work and my computer hung.  I did eventually get to post it. I found that it took me a while to figure out forum software, though I seem to have got a reasonable handle on it now.

I'm wondering if there might be a case for upping the ten minute deadline to something like, say, thirty minutes?


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## bdcharles (Sep 30, 2015)

kilroy214 said:


> I was saddened that 3 entries were disqualified this go round. Had I a little more experience at hosting I think I could have helped out with a few of them.



Meh. I was bang to rights  Tried to squeeze in an eleventh minute edit while fully aware of the rules! My story wasn't that great, either. I know a good short when I read it, and it's not unheard of for one of passable quality to drop into my head unannounced and ready to go; the challenge for me seems to be producing one on cue, but never mind. Onwards and - well, onwards as they say.


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