# 24/6/2011 Let's Talk about Flying SCORES



## Like a Fox (Jul 20, 2011)

*Story*
*Insanity**Jinxi**Flapjack**LaFox**Average**Not who you think it is by Anna Buttons**17**19**20**20**19**Let’s Talk about Flying by DuKane**18**18**20**19**18.75**Fly the Fly by AvA**20**17**19**17**18.25**Azure by Elite**18**17**18**17.5**17.625**Flying in the Fog by Monkey Doctor**18**16**19**17**17.5**Flying to Learn by grib**17.5**16**19**16.5**17.25**The Flying Lesson by Leyline**17**15**16**18**16.5**Overheard on a Place by obi_have**17.5**14**17**17**16.375**Freedom by The Fuhrer2.0**16.5**15**18**16**16.375**Kenneth, fondly known as Buster by JR Maclean*
*17**15**16**15.5**15.875**Brian Airways by Bazz Cargo**16**18**13**16**15.75**The girl without aeroplane knowledge by Rustgold**17**14**15**15**15.25**Almost like Flying by Baba Yaga**16**13**14**14*[*14.25*







Okay, so sadly I'm not quite as tech-savvy as young Fuhrer, but I've done my best here.

So I won't dilly dally.

The winner is.............*ANNA BUTTONS* for her story - *Not who you think it is*.
Wee! Congratulations to Anna!

And then in second place we have *DuKane* for the excellent - *Let's talk about flying*.
And in third, with a very funny entry is *AvA* for *Fly the Fly*.

And now, the comments from the judges:



*InsanityStrickenWriter’s Scores*

 Judgly Duties and Ramblings[/h]Notes: 
I may have rambled on a _few_ of my judgements, and on the ones I didn't, I needed to ramble more. 
I am terrible at judging. I was on a jury that let a local serial killer off free of charges after he gave us his word that he was a changed man. 
Half the entries confused me at some point or another, perhaps doing all of my judging in twilight hours is to blame. 
Last entry bribed me, and I thought it would be rude not to comply. 
*Leyline*
 I have issues with the story; mainly that it is all somewhat cliché. It is an elderly wise man passing on his knowledge to a hopeless young one, and the basis of how you fly is in a Peter Pan type philosophy of being able to do anything so long as you believe in it enough. So, put simply, though it all is well written, it doesn’t have anything particularly new in terms of plot and world.
 Negatives aside; it was amusing and well written. Though, unfortunately, my hopes that they would finally get into the sky only to get viciously attacked by a swarm of seagulls were unfulfilled.
*17/20*


*Obi_have*
 Darn parents, mired in the ways of the past and carrying dead, mutilated trees around with them. It’s barbaric.
 It was a very amusing tie-up to the mystery of the missing iPod.
*17.5/20*


*J.R. MacLean*
 Touching, sweet and confusing. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





Touching as his wife was there with him constantly. Sweet because he is conscious to some level, while in a state of utter delusion. Confusing as originally, I thought Karen was the italics, and didn’t quite get what was going on. I realised my mistake by the end however, and re-read it again afterwards.
*17/20


Bazz_cargo*
 It consisted of lots of jokes, humour and cheap-airline antics, so unsurprisingly, I liked it a lot. The suggestion of sticking arms out of windows and flapping to help the plane get going was fantastic, I must try it sometime.
 Dialogue with a tag after it ought to end with a comma instead of a full stop.
 “I don’t like sprouts,” said a large potato.
 Along the same vein, you used tags way too often, there are after all only two characters, so, apart from the occasional reminder, the reader is fine without them. I also spotted quite a few places that could have done with a comma. As you may have guessed, all this SPAG and whatnot means I can’t give you the score that I want to, less I be accused of corruption or bias.
*16/20


BabaYaga*
 Yes, all dialogue here, definitely. I can see dialogue in all directions. I have dialogue on the eyeballs. Will it come off? I’m not sure. Anyhow, I’m taking away a couple points for far too much dialogue. This actually reminded me a bit of my GCSE English exam not so long ago, I was meant to end it with their sentence, but I completely forgot. So, as part of the mourning of my potantial A in English, I feel compelled to make other people suffer for forgetfulness along with me.
 Now, as for the story itself; it was very fun. Good use of the stereotypical little girl. It was amusing to see her desire to see the impossible clenched at the last minute, saving the daughter from the need to throw a fit and drive her mother into a mental institute.
*16/20


Rustgold*
 I enjoyed it, but it confused me. It took me at least three re-reads before I got to a position where I felt I understood it to an acceptable level. Nevertheless, I did like the characterisation and dialogue, and I did found it all very interesting and perhaps slightly mad, (I like madness).
*17/20


AvA*
 Poor flies rose up to fight a war against the _man_ and promptly found themselves gassed. I thought chemical weaponry was forbidden by the Geneva Convention or some such. Perhaps the flies could sue?
 It was very funny, very inventive, great characterisation, and no real grammar or spelling problems so far as I’m aware. Fantastic.
*20/20


TheFuhrer02*
 Hmm, I’m not sure. It’s well-written, but... it didn’t interest me much I suppose. I think it’s a tad too wordy and poetic for my taste. I liked the cultural and historical flavour of it, and perhaps I'd have found it more interesting if you set it amidst some actual conflict with those dastardly Spaniards.
*16.5/20


Elite*
 Ha, I’m glad I chose to judge amidst all the witty entries, it suits my reading interests. The fact the philosopher and woman are in fact of the avian variety compels me to award at least one or two points extra.
 Where you fell short of getting, potentially, fall marks, was towards the end. The crying parts confused me a tad. By going to the next line each time he told her to stop crying you were indicating a change in speaker. And referring to her as ‘she’ rather than ‘you’ in: ‘Hey, why is she still crying?’ confused me further, as he was not speaking in the narrative form there.
*18/20


Grib*
 There are a few places that I would’ve liked a comma, and there is a spelling mistake or two, but I really liked this. There’s a great sense of world building here, and the ending makes me think that the boy could become a prophet of sorts. I did however feel that his transformation was a tad rushed, and that his initial reaction to the Gods was perhaps a bit too calm a bit too fast, but then there is after all a 650 word limit, so I understand things had to be quick in order to pack in a good story. Also, as a note for if you plan to develop this further, the tales of Jewish/Christian/Islamic/Mono prophets often include pain or madness in their witnessing of God. This might not be the case with Indian Gods though.
*17.5/20


Monkey Doctor*
 Quite humorous and fun, but yet another story that I find myself a tad confused with. I’m starting to think something must be wrong with me rather than the stories. Perhaps I’m not really judging, and I am in fact on a spaceship and having my mind altered to _think_ that I am judging. That would explain why everything is so confusing; shoddy, alien, mind-altering devices. Honestly, it reminds me of that time when I found a rotten tomato in a bag of Waitrose essential fruits*– but this is all rather irrelevant to judging... so to end on a judgeful note, (yes, I know judgeful isn’t a word, as I’m writing this in Word and it has a despicable, red, squiggly line under it), I would repeat that I found this a fun little read.
*18/20


Anna Buttons*
 Nice story, made me smile a couple times. Grammar and spelling, well, if there was anything wrong I’ve obviously missed it. Really like your writing style.
*17/20


DuKane*
 Cute and fun. Perhaps a little bit of a message about the trickery of corporations and brands too. I was half-expecting the father to come round to the idea of Concorde once he had heard of all the champagne and whatnot. Did she bring back a keychain Limited Edition Concorde Sick Bag, I wonder? Or is Concorde so luxurious that its windows open and they can throw up out of those instead? I mean, logically, it makes sense that after paying all that cash for a ticket you would at least have working windows.
*18/20


Like a Fox*
 No, this was all wrong. Firstly, it was far too short. And then there’s the lack of a title or any sense of plot and story. Plus, I fail to see what this had to do with flying? And where is the dialogue? This entry is not worthy of a score.
 That is what I would be saying if you didn’t bribe me with a bag of turnips and a can of tomato soup. Which for legal purposes, you didn’t.
*20/20!* .[/spoiler2]



*Jinxi’s Scores
*
_Firstly, I want to say thank you for the opportunity to judge this round. It has been an honour and very enjoyable for me to read everyone’s entries. Secondly, thank you to all of the participants. The effort and time that goes into the creation of these short stories is evident and I thoroughly enjoyed reading every single entry. Thirdly, I am by no means a decent writer and there is much that I still need to learn, so please excuse my lack of critique on some of the works, but in some cases there was very little I could actually critique on._

* 1. The Flying Lesson by Leyline:
*You stuck to the theme really well. I struggled a little to engage with the characters - I found that the teacher changed quite drastically in attitude from the beginning to the end - not sure if that was intended? Otherwise, good job all round!
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 3/5
 Creativity & Originality: 2/5
 Theme Adherence: 5/5
* Total: 15/20

 2. Overheard on a Plane by obi_have:
*Well done with the dialogue. I enjoyed reading this piece. Only nit-pick I have is that I found the dialogue of the boy to seem more feminine - may just be me though
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 3/5
 Tone & Voice: 3/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 4/5
* Total: 14/20

 3. Kenneth, fondly known as Buster by J.R. MacLean:
*I really enjoyed this. I like the way it is written and I really felt like I could connect with the characters. I do feel that the flying theme didn’t play too much of a role in this piece, but regardless of that, it was a lovely story. Well done! 
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 2/5
* Total: 15/20

 4. Brian Airways by bazz cargo:
*Laughed throughout reading this piece. Love the humour! The voices of your characters were so clear, I even found myself reading out loud :-D
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 5/5
* Total: 18/20

 5. Almost like Flying by babayaga:
*Lovely story and a big congrats for your first entry! I can relate so well to this as my man's daughter has just turned 6 and she is exactly like Sophie. There was a shortage on dialogue though.
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 3/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 2/5
* Total: 13/20

 6. The Girl Without Aeroplane Knowledge by rustgold:
*Nice, original take on the theme. Well done! Only nit-pick is that you should perhaps check your piece for spelling errors prior to submitting it – I found a few errors when reading, but nothing too serious :-D
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 3/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 3/5
 Theme Adherence: 4/5
* Total: 14/20

 7. Fly the Fly by AvA:
*Very enjoyable! The character names had my sides hurting from laughing too much.
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 4/5
* Total: 17/20

 8. Freedom by TheFuhrer:
*A very well written, original and interesting read. My little nit-pick - I felt that the theme seemed to be almost added in to an already written piece, if that makes any sense :-D
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 4/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 3/5
* Total: 15/20

 9. Azure - elite
*Very sweet story with great descriptions. I could picture every movement of the bluebirds. Good job on the narration – brought a very fun element to the story.
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 4/5
* Total: 17/20

 10. Flying to Learn - grib*
 This is the kind of story that leaves me wanting to read more. I was a little confused originally, but having read through your story again I seemed to grasp what you were saying. The theme and dialogue were clearly incorporated well and I must say, great job!
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 3/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 5/5
* Total: 16/20

 11. Flying in the Fog - MonkeyDoctor
*Hilarious! I could clearly see my late grandmother blabbering on next to E.T. Really enjoyed reading this.
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 4/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 4/5
* Total: 16/20

 12. Not Who You Think It Is - Anna Buttons
*An interesting take on the theme. I loved the Guardian Angel - wish I had one of my own to let me know when I was messing something up :-D. Your characters were developed incredibly well for a story of such short length. Well done!
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 5/5
 Tone & Voice: 4/5
 Creativity & Originality:5/5
 Theme Adherence: 5/5
*Total: 19/20

 13.Let's Talk About Flying - DuKane
*Very funny! The father's stubbornness made the story for me. Well done!
*Scores:*
 Spelling & Grammar: 4/5
 Tone & Voice: 5/5
 Creativity & Originality: 4/5
 Theme Adherence: 5/5
* Total: 18/20*[/spoiler2]*


Flapjack’s Scores

This is my first time judging and I really enjoyed reading everyone’s submissions. I am but a humble writer in training so if you have any questions about my comments or the submissions, please feel free to message me. Otherwise, thanks for your hard work and I hope you will all continue to participate in the future.


The Flying Lesson
George Potter
*This was a very interesting take on the topic. I really liked the read and, even though I knew what was coming, I still got chills when the realization of flying came.
 The instructor goes from being kind of playful at the beginning to suddenly the stern, unflinching teacher. The student seems to be uncharacteristically wise when he begins talking about the city. These issues brought some confusion to the characters.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (3/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (4/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (4/5)*
Total 16


Overheard on a Plane!
Jason Talbott
*A very nice bit of dialogue here. I really enjoyed the exchange and the story flowed very nicely. The flying theme took a backseat here but I didn’t mind. Very nicely written.
 This didn’t factor into the score but I thought the child was a daughter until the very end when he was called “son”. I can’t remember where that website on gender writing is, but I think your dialogue catered to a young girl more than a boy. Like I said, not a factor in the score. I just thought it was worth mentioning.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (5/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (4/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (3/5)*
 Total 17

Kenneth, fondly known as Buster
By J.R. MacLean
*You approached the topic in a very original manner. The mother was very well developed. In fact she may be someone I know. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



 I felt like the flying theme was forced here. Also, I felt like there could have been more clarity in your overall theme and the last line. I feel like I’m missing something…
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (3/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)Effectiveness of Approach: (3/5)*
Total 16

Brian Airways
Bazz Cargo
*I enjoyed the exchange quite a bit. Some of your use of dialect here was great. The last line made me laugh.
 Although you do a great job of using dialect, it seems like Bill changes his sentence structure and accents a few times. Perhaps more cohesion in the character would improve the overall effect.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (4/5)
 Tone and Voice: (3/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (3/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (3/5)*
Total 13


Almost Like Flying
BabaYaga
*650 words can be used up so much faster than you would think. I loved your theme here and the way your story ended. This was a very nice submission, especially for your first time. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



 Might I recommend using a word processer to type up your story? There were quite a few spelling errors that my spell check caught. Also, you were a bit light on the dialogue.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (2/5)
 Tone and Voice: (4/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (3/5)*
Total 14

 The Girl Without Aeroplane Knowledge
 B.D.Branch
*This was definitely original and provided a very interesting take. You are definitely the creative type. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Great idea!
 Your story seemed a bit convoluted to me. I feel like there is this great inside joke and I’m left out. There was a couple of grammar errors. Ex. “Oh, do to think they will?”
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (4/5)
 Tone and Voice: (3/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (2/5)*
Total 15


Fly the Fly
Ava
*You had me laughing from the start. Yours was an excellent use of humor. The names…Perfect! For some reason, you reminded me of the bit about the whale and the bowl of petunias from Hitchhiker’s Guide (movie, not book I’m ashamed to say).
 I’m nitpicking here but I would have liked to see more personality in your characters. The brothers seemed to be too similar.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (4/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (5/5)*
Total 19


Freedom
Fuhrer
*Great! You had a very original approach here. As I would expect, you gave us an excellent piece. It was well written and very interesting.
 I would have liked to see you integrate the theme into your piece more. It seemed like an afterthought. (You could say the “theme” runs throughout, but I would have needed to see some obvious literary devices) Also, I think you could have developed more rounded characters.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (4/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (4/5)*
Total 18


Azure
Elite
*Very fun dialogue. I loved the narration bit. It really brought the whole piece together. I’ll have to write something with that. This was a nice interpretation of the theme.
 (Déjà vu) The Flying theme seems like an afterthought. The story is about birds and birds do fly. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




That said, you definitely had room to bring in the flying theme at the beginning and carry it through. Also, it would have been nice to see the piece end with some narration. Ex. “The philosopher found a chick with whom he might rid the nagging weight of loneliness and soar through life’s experiences about which he had so often pondered.”
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (4/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (4/5)*
Total 18


Flying to Learn
Grib
*I loved this. You perfectly incorporated the theme and the required dialogue. Moreover, you did so in a unique manner. Great job!
 I would have liked to see a clear change in the way Tarquilion spoke after he had his divine experience. If you wanted to imply that he already had that level of wisdom innately, then you could have shown his mentor to be his lesser at the beginning. Either way, it would have added to the piece overall.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (4/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (5/5)*
Total 19


Flying in the Fog
Monkey Doctor
*This was a fun read and a perfect execution of the theme. Your bolding helped the reading but the dialogue was so clear that there was no question who was speaking. Great title for the piece. After the first few lines I knew where you were going but you arrived there in a very interesting way.
 While excellent, I felt the story was a tad bit shallow. I would have liked to see a “deeper meaning” so to speak. Still, great piece!
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (5/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (4/5)*
Total 19


Not Who You Think It Is
Anna Buttons
*This was an excellent exchange. You put a ton of personality into your characters in such a short amount of time. That was a very interesting way to bring in the Flying.
 I found the part where he tells her the name of her man unbelievable. She should have had some reaction. It flowed so smoothly, however, that I quickly forgot this bit.
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (5/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (5/5)*
Total 20


Let’s Talk About Flying
DuKane
*A very neat bit of dialogue. You fulfilled the theme very nicely. You did a great job of crafting these characters. I can really see a father and daughter having this discussion. Perfect writing. Good humor. Also, we finished with a nice “moral” of the story.
 I have nothing constructive here. Great job!
 Scores:
 Spelling and Grammar: (5/5)
 Tone and Voice: (5/5)
 Creativity and Originality: (5/5)
 Effectiveness of Approach: (5/5)*
Total 20[/spoiler2]




Like a Fox’s Scores*

*A note to all entrants -*

 This was a really good one to judge. Heaps of fun with the dialogue, and everyone’s story moved along at a cracking pace.
 I noticed there were quite a few disclaimers. I’d like to ask in future that no one write a disclaimer on their work. Language/Adult content warnings only.
 The reason being – The LM is not the workshop. If this were a big writing competition it would be considered unprofessional to explain what brought you to write the story, or to ask for the judges comments to be about any particular thing. Let your stories speak for themselves. We’re all friends here, but it is good practice for bigger and better things.


 Now, onto the stories.

*Leyline
 The Flying Lesson
*Ah, I’ve missed your stories and the fable-esque quality they all seem to have. You are a storyteller in the most archaic sense. I picture this story being acted out by a camp fire.
 Of course your dialogue was modern – and very clean. The repetition worked well. Sometimes in all-dialogue thingys, repetition seems like a big no-no, (especially in this limited word count), but it served to give a good sense of the characters. This felt a bit like a dream. I sort of felt the whole story in darkness until Arvin described the city. I loved that.
 The whole up-yours to gravity was also a cool concept.
 Really great entry, one of my favourites.
* Score ---  18


 obi-have
 Overheard on a Plane
*Really excellent characterisation in this entry. Your voices are discernible and genuine sounding. I couldn’t quite guess the age of the son, but it didn’t really matter. He could’ve been 12-18 and it worked anyway. I don’t think that would always be a good thing, but in this story it definitely was. You’ve managed to make the relatable audience pretty vast.
 We’re also capable of being on side with the Dad, though he definitely felt like the secondary character.
 I didn’t think the “25 Minutes later” was necessary. It felt out of style, and really not needed. Sometimes to indicate a time jump a simple a line break will do it. Or a line break with a couple of *** these maybe. And I probably wouldn’t have put the announcements in quotation marks. Not sure why, probably just a style thing. I think they wouldn’t worked fine if they were just italicized.
 Nice one, at any rate, this was quick and easy to read – and that is always a compliment from me.
*Score --- 17


 J.R. MacLean
 Kenneth, fondly known as Buster
*I had to read this twice to get it. I didn’t understand that the italicised thoughts were Kenneth until I read it the second time. I suppose that reveals my lack of faith! I’m not much one for sensory descriptions, but the poetic style of yours made them enjoyable for me. The mother character was a good addition. She helped balance the flavour of this. Without her it might be a bit too sappy and sweet, but she kept it grounded. Nice work.
*Score --- 15.5


 Bazz Cargo
 Brian Airways
*Initially I found the  “Said Derek. Said Bill” distracting. Namely because the punctuation was incorrect. “Said Derek” is still part of the same sentence as the dialogue.
 So _“It’s been over a week since we seen you down the pub,” said Derek_. Sometimes, however, the dialogue is the end of the sentence. As in: “_You’ve been wearing that hat for weeks.” Peter then picked up the hat and threw it in the fishtank._
 Anyway! Once I got past the distraction, I really enjoyed the accents I could so clearly hear in this story. I wasn’t totally sure why Bill would call Egypt Egg-whipped.
 The Brian airs reminded me of an Irish airline I’ve heard people talk about, can’t remember what it’s called now. Was that the inspiration? Was a nice story overall, the visuals were well done considering they were all relayed in dialogue. I wasn’t sure about the bit at the end, with the cases being blown up. It was a nice tie in to the start, but felt a little off centre… if that makes sense. Anyway, I enjoyed it. Thanks for entering.
* Score --- 16


 Baba Yaga
 Almost like Flying
*Cute story. I really loved the line _One should never imply thing to six year olds. They have no tolerance for ambiguity._
 I am much like a six year old in this sense. Haha.
 I liked where this story ended up too, with the yogi-son doing his flip against the wall. The only gripe I had with this entry was, it didn’t really adhere to the guidelines. The story was supposed to take part mostly in dialogue. This wasn’t even close to half dialogue. So for that reason I’ve taken a few points off. I see you’re a first timer, so I hope this doesn’t deter you in future! Look forward to seeing more entries from you.
*Score --- 14


 Rustgold
 The Girl without Aeroplane Knowledge
*I got really lost reading this entry. It was in first person but most of the time felt like it was in a distant third. I suppose because all the first person bits were sort of just like stage direction. I also had a hard time differentiating the voices, so I got lost easily in who was talking. On third read I finally understood the competition. I was initially really distracted by the Labrador thing, and the occasional use of almost-second person, by the narrator saying “Our”, sort of including the reader.
 On the other hand, I really appreciated the surreal feeling world in this story. The way the hot air balloons were described, and all the loyalties and different allegiances, it certainly felt like a fantasy story wanting to burst out. The mystery in that was pretty great.
*Score --- 15


 AvA
 Fly the Fly
*This was a fun entry, and I felt you did a really good job with your humour. It was light and quick, and the voices of the flies were well developed and funny.
 I did at times get lost with who was speaking. Their voices were not very different, and I felt you probably could have amped that up a bit with maybe a verbal tick of some sort for one of them. Though the sameness of flies was illustrated within the story, so maybe it kinda worked that way.
 I liked the jokes about how quick a fly’s life is. And their philosophical speculation of what came first – flying or flies.
 Liked the infestation ending. Though I guess they all died, huh? Oh. Sad. That just dawned on me. Haha. Great job, anyway J
*Score --- 17


 The Fuhrer 2.0
 Freedom
*I really liked the message in this story - The price of freedom, and each individual’s interpretation. I really loved how you tied it into the theme of flying, I thought that was done really well.
 The dialogue was a little bit expository. Obviously in a mostly-dialogue story, it is the dialogue that is going to tell the story, but this dialogue felt a bit forced to me. Like people don’t really talk like this.
 I would’ve developed the voices of the characters a bit, make them sound different. And really listen to how people talk. I’ve never heard anyone say “I shan’t hear more of these sermons” outside of Jane Austen. And I didn’t think this felt like a period piece.
 Anyway – great message and a good, really different interpretation of the prompt.
*Score --- 16


 Elite
 Azure
*Ah, I liked the perspective of this story, told by the birds. Both the characters were a little bit unlikeable, with their sort of weird arrogance… but when I attributed that with birds, puffing out their chests, it worked well.
 I liked that every time the main bird was narrating, I imagine he was supposed to be singing. Or that people would hear it as singing. That was cute and nicely done, the human interpretation of the animals, as well as the humanisation of them.
 I did trip up right at the end with _once every a while_ and then just below _once every while. _I think the first is grammatically incorrect, I’m not sure about the second, but I’ve never heard someone say it like that. Every once in a while, or just once in a while are the two variations of that expression I’ve heard.
 A nice entry. Light and fun.
*Score --- 17.5


 grib
 Flying to Learn
*Mmm. I enjoyed reading this one. Another really interesting different take on the prompt, also with a nice message in it. Learning>War = good one.
 I liked your main character, though I didn’t feel like there was much characterisation done. Which helped lend to the fable quality of this. It read like an old tale told through generations, and maybe having it set in India attributed to that feel for me.
 There were a couple of typos – (one in capital letters). It’s worth really combing through your work carefully before posting it here.
 Either way, an interesting addition to the competition. Thanks!
* Score --- 16.5


 Monkey Doctor
 Flying in the Fog
*Ahh. So I thought this was funny until I realised it was sad. Though of course, the two are so linked sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
 There were a few typos here. ‘you silly women’ should’ve been ‘woman’. I believe Keith is spelled with the E first, and right before that “Mable, *it’s *me, your husband.”
 Great title. Maybe my favourite title in the competition. I actually went through a fairly lengthy interview process to be an emergency call taker for the ambulance service in my state less than a year ago. I missed out on the job by very little. I was in the final 10, and 5 got the job. Anyway, this touched me for that reason, as well as the whole alzheimers thing and my experience with that. This kind of reminded me of the transcripts they make of their phone calls at emergency call centres so it worked really well for me as a transcript. And all the personality came from the call-maker, but that sit perfectly. Nice job.
*Score --- 17


 Anna Buttons
 Not who you think it is
*Easily my favourite entry of the bunch. The exchange between the characters is natural and rich. This sounds like a real conversation. His characterisation comes out beautifully when he rants a bit about flying, hers when she internally explains why she orders the martini.
 I like his demeanour. Maybe I just want a guardian angel to keep the creeps like Rayle away. Haha.
 I was surprised that when she said “If you’re really a guardian angel…” she wouldn’t be prying further about the cheating thing. Mostly because I can’t imagine she really believed him, and the whole story works that way anyway, whether he is or isn’t really an angel is kind of irrelevant which makes this whole thing kind of perfect, but I think I needed a moment, a comment, about her losing interest in the cheating thing in favour of being interested in the angel - to suspend my disbelief that she would forget the cheating thing so quickly.
 The end was perfect. Is it him? Was this all an elaborate pick up? Is it someone else and is he really an angel? Perfect ambiguity, in my books. Loved it.
*Score --- 20

 DuKane
 Let’s Talk about Flying
*Ah, a really great one to finish on. Very natural banter here between a father and daughter. One of those _in my day_ conversations. I understood the position of both your characters here too, there didn’t seem to be any bias either way. I liked that about this story, it wasn’t trying to get either point across, really, just illustrate how things change I guess. Which relates to flying in a big way.
 Something we take for granted now. That cleanliness is prized highly and the idea of wind in your hair when you’re flying is so archaic.
 Well done on this one. I really enjoyed it.
*Score --- 19*


----------



## bazz cargo (Jul 20, 2011)

(First up to bat).
Thank you judges.
I feel I was treated rather lightly considering my story needed a serious tidy up.

I read and enjoyed everyone's entry. Anna, Dukane and Ava, I bow to you.

Personal fave Baba Yaga almost like flying. Maybe you bent the rules, but I loved the journey you took me on.

Mighty  LaFox, I agree with the disclaimer rule, only this time I felt like I  had entered under false pretences. I really should of let this time  round go.


----------



## obi_have (Jul 20, 2011)

Thank you, judges, and congratulations to all the writers.

I got some helpful feedback for my entry and it even brought a smile to my face to read that both flapjack and jinxi thought that my son character seemed feminine or could have been a daughter.  I have two kids, both girls so I guess that influence comes through in my writing stronger than I thought. That's good to be aware of for next time I write about a boy character.

Thanks again.


----------



## elite (Jul 20, 2011)

Thanks for the hard work, judges!

I'm actually extremely happy that I got 4th place! I tried really hard to improve from my entry on "The Caretaker" and I guess it paid off!

But I have to agree I ended it badly; I ran out of words. I honestly wanted to write another three hundred, and ended up rushing the end. I carefully read every line to see if there was something I could delete, but the dialogue and the witty lines were absolutely crucial to my story, so I ended up having to warp things up in five lines or so.

I'm glad you guys liked the narrator bird. I wanted to tell a story where the main character was witty and sometimes nonsensical. My first idea was the monologue of a wannabe mad-scientist talking to his "assistant" (himself) as he developed a miniature jet plane, but I ditched it in favor of this one three or four days before the deadline. The idea of the narrator bird was to make the usual third person narrator into a living entity, and having life catch up to him. The bird as a narrator kind of made perfect sense, and when I tried to imagine how these simple minded, witty, and hyperactive animals would _think_, these two characters sprung to existence. As LaFox said, they were both very arrogant, but that's how I picture birds and cats, so I think I got the desired effect 

My personal favorite (other than mine, of course ) was Anna Button's _Not Who You Think It Is_. Very well written and with a very nice mood to it. I liked the humor, and it had a very classy atmosphere; I could really feel I was in a dark bar with blues in the background and lots of smoke in the air.


----------



## InsanityStrickenWriter (Jul 20, 2011)

I despised my time as a judge. They made me wear a suit and tie, and every other minute somebody would come over to the judging panel to throw make-up at me and comb my hair. Meanwhile, the audience was stuffing themselves with popcorn and letting off wind. How LAF puts up with it every month is beyond me. 

Congratz on the victory Anna


----------



## Monkey Doctor (Jul 20, 2011)

Thank you very much to the judges for their time and effort. I really enjoyed reading the other entries too, very inspiring. This is my first attempt at a short story since I was in school over 20 years ago so I thought I would probably get around 14/15 out of 20. 17.5 is way beyond what I expected but it reinforces my belief that I am doing the right thing in turning my hand to writing. The initial story took me around 20 minutes and I spent around 3 or 4 hours refining.

I appreciate the judge’s comments.

To *InsanityStrickenWriter, *the whole point of my story was to convey the confusion felt by a person who has dementia. I am unsure if you were talking about this confusion or if something else about my writing confused you. The aim of my story was to convey the humor, nostalgia and confusion felt by a person in this situation.

To *Jinxi* thank you, hilarious is a compliment I can live with!

To *Flapjack* I am glad you liked my interpretation of the theme. I was unsure whether to bold the dialogue or not. I thought it looked better without but I erred on the side of caution. The piece when I wrote it was around 1000 words. I struggled with 650 words to maintain the depth I wanted to convey. The part where the lady is talking about people smoking on the pavement reminding her of the blitz had allot more about it but that was the bit I cut to maintain the flow of the story and keep it within the word limit. Depth and meaning may come with more practice and more confidence I hope.

To *Like a Fox, *I really tried to convey the humor and the sadness of the condition so I am glad you picked up on those aspects. Sorry you missed out on the job you went for; it would have been an interesting and rewarding one. I tried to convey the ‘stiff upper lip’ of the call taker and tried to contrast the personality of the call maker to this.  
I appreciate you picking me up on my grammar and spelling. I am not making excuses or looking for sympathy here, I am explaining my situation. I am dyslexic and bi-polar; I was not supported at school with either of these and had a very difficult time. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s it was discovered I have dyslexia. The dyslexia combined with lack of schooling in English make it difficult for me to understand grammar & punctuation. I am going to dedicate quite some time to overcome these issues. I appreciate you pointing these things out to me.


----------



## Hawke (Jul 20, 2011)

Congratulations to the winners as well as everyone who entered. Also, a huge thank you to the judges. Well done, all.


----------



## AvA (Jul 20, 2011)

Congrats to the winner and a round of applause for everyone involved: contestants, judges and moderator alike.


----------



## TheFuhrer02 (Jul 21, 2011)

Anna Buttons winning this competition somehow doesn't surprise me. A well-penned piece, as always. Congratulations to you and all the contestants. To the judges and LaFox, my thanks as well.


----------



## J.R. MacLean (Jul 22, 2011)

Congrats to the winners and many thanks to the judges for taking the time and providing such useful feedback. 12 entries, what a juicy competition!


----------



## Rustgold (Jul 23, 2011)

> I enjoyed it, but it confused me. It took me at least three re-reads before I got to a position where I felt I understood it to an acceptable level.


Should have let it sit for an edit.



> Only nit-pick is that you should perhaps check your piece for spelling errors prior to submitting it – I found a few errors when reading, but nothing too serious :grin:


Didn't see any actual spelling errors; but plenty of grammar errors, and even sentences in the wrong order _(ie when spirit glided over near the end)_.



> Your story seemed a bit convoluted to me. I feel like there is this great inside joke and I’m left out.





> I was initially really distracted by the Labrador thing,


I thought about whether I wanted the associations to be clear & decided on a vague approach so that readers would make up their own minds.  Not the best decision.



> There was a couple of grammar errors. Ex. “Oh, do to think they will?”


That one was deliberate, after all she wasn't an adult.  But I should have had everything else perfect.



> I got really lost reading this entry. It was in first person but most of the time felt like it was in a distant third. I suppose because all the first person bits were sort of just like stage direction.


First time writing something first person.  Yes third person is easier for me (and would read better), however what's a competition without challenging yourself.  I guarantee the next challenge will be in first person as well; I just hope to do better.



> On the other hand, I really appreciated the surreal feeling world in this story. The way the hot air balloons were described, and all the loyalties and different allegiances, it certainly felt like a fantasy story wanting to burst out. The mystery in that was pretty great.





> This was definitely original and provided a very interesting take. You are definitely the creative type. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Great idea!





> Nevertheless, I did like the characterisation and dialogue, and I did found it all very interesting and perhaps slightly mad, (I like madness).


That's good, because with some editing & transference into third person I should be able to improve it.


Btw : Was hoping to know whether people thought my characters were acceptable as feminine.



bazz cargo said:


> (First up to bat).
> Thank you judges.
> I feel I was treated rather lightly considering my story needed a serious tidy up.


x2


----------



## Anna Buttons (Jul 23, 2011)

Aw shucks, thanks for the lovely comments and scores everyone. 
Leyline - I thought your story was awesome. 
InsanityStrickenWriter - I concur, entering is was more fun than judging. 
One point I'd like to clarify - Rayle is a random almost fling from her past. I obviously didn't make this clear. Good to know. 

Thanks again everyone - I'm already working on my Historical Fiction piece.


----------



## BabaYaga (Jul 25, 2011)

Thanks so much to all the judges for reading and for taking the time to write proper crits, it was a lot of fun entering and it's great to get the feedback. At least I can only go up from here!  

Flapjack, I hate spellos with a capital 'H' I took another look at my story after reading your feedback, but couldn't see what you were referring to... if it's not too much of a hassle, could I ask you to let me know which ones you spotted? Thanks so much


----------



## DuKane (Jul 26, 2011)

Oh god last on parade again! 

Many thanks to all of the judges for all of your work and the excellent feedback. 
Congrats to Anna, well deserved, and congrats to all of the other entries as well. 
Mildly pleased with second place so may well just have a bash at the next one.


----------

