# Final Flame



## Firemajic (Mar 27, 2015)

When I die light a final fire
a glorious celebration funeral pyre
then let me drift far out to sea
and smile when you remember me

Please know that I have done my best
but sadly I have failed the test
to be everything that I could be
and surrendered to the dark in me

This flame that burns I've lost control
scorched my heart singed my soul
I suffocated on my poisonous smoke
could not breathe and lost all hope

Watch me as I go up in flames
know that I have loathed this game
painful love... loving sacrifice
this fragile thing we call life

Let my flame ignite your night
passion born of pain and strife
let my smoke permeate your skin
build a fire deep within

Afraid of life I've ran far away
my flame will die out today
please I beg you do not cry
don't mourn for me just say goodbye

Soaring dancing in the midnight sky
no longer earth bound I can fly
a tiny spark soon lost in space
my flame now gone without a trace


----------



## Darkkin (Mar 27, 2015)

I love the norse inspired theme, it is remeniscent of an old folk ballad.  This having been said, the last two lines in stanzas three and four are off pitch, slightly flat.  (And yes, I do used an abundance of musical metaphors because poetry and music are dialets of the same language.)  

You have a very set and defined rhyme scheme.  On lines: smoke and hope, there are similiarities, but it isn't enough.  The tone slips.  The k being harder than the p.

Moving down to sacrifice and life:  This one, I'm a little conflicted on.  They're located dead center, so was the non-rhyme deliberate or was it intended as another pseudo-rhyme?  Maybe I'm misreading it, but another note about this coupling is the descrepency in syllable congruency.  All the others are 1: 1 or 1:2, this one is 1: 3, a very marked difference.  And where the previous set was a little flat, this one is sharp.

Finally, and it's something I've noted across the spectrum of poetry, is little to no punctuation.  As a reader, this is really hard because it feels like a writer is leaving a thought unfinished.  It's akin to walking out the door with no pants.  I know it's modern, but it is _so_ hard for me to get past.  It's probably a malfunction on my part, so I'll harken back to my music metaphors.  It's like taking out the rests, the metre, and the key symbols across the entire composition.  When you're learning to play it's fine, but as you progress those layers need to be added back in if you are ever to hear the complete song.

Enjoyed the piece and thank you for your patience with my rambling.

All the best,

-Darkkin, the Tedious


----------



## rcallaci (Mar 27, 2015)

Julia

I feel like getting my axe and waving it in the air while a group of my co-patriots shoot fire fueled arrows in the air..  

Darkkin gave quite an impressive technical critique which is worth taking note -As for the musicality of the piece I heard its song...  are there a few nits and dinks- most poems have them -which makes poetry such a challenge and thrilling as well.

As for punctuation- I never had a problem reading poetry without punctuation- I can understand those who have a rough time and need the notations to read it so that it becomes grammatically correct or the purists that can't read a piece without the externalization of directions of when to pause or take a breath. I guess I like to read poetry the way I feel it and I don't like notations to tell me when to take a pause or a rest. Like you I'm a gut type of guy-I listen to my inner ear and like you I'm not college trained but a wilding - but in some poems punctuation should be done- but not in this one- 

a dark melody that I found quite soothing... 


my warmest
bob


----------



## LeeC (Mar 27, 2015)

Anyone can improve their work, life being only striving towards imagined goals. Your efforts though many times embody uncommon soul, evidenced in meaningful insight. 


By all means, endeavor for the perfect ring, but don't lose sight of what you're conveying.


----------



## Sonata (Mar 27, 2015)

Reading it drew pictures in my mind.


----------



## aj47 (Mar 27, 2015)

This could easily be coaxed into iambic pentameter without sacrificing its meaning. Not saying you want to; but the meter would elevate it from good to exceptional.  

For example, the first line could be "O, when I die, then set a final fire."  Note that your pronunciation of fire has to one syllable for this to work--some people say fie-ur. You'll need a synonym for glorious in L2 because it goes DA-da-da and would break stride, but English has a LOT of words.


----------



## jenthepen (Mar 27, 2015)

You know me, I read the emotion, the feeling, and this one unsettled me. I feel the pain and despondency, so the poem works but it makes me sad. Powerful poetry!


----------



## Nellie (Mar 27, 2015)

Julia,

Upon the first reading I thought that perhaps some punctuation was needed in the first line. But reading it again, it doesn't need it in modern poetry. The point is made. And with what Darkinn said about defined rhyme in poetry: does a poem need to have a definite rhyme? Doesn't some poetry use half-rhyme or slant rhymes? Emily Dickinson was a one who used half-rhymes in much of her poetry. Do we all need to use the same poetic structure? I think not. We all need to venture out once in a while and try writing something new, different.

Well done, Julia! Thanks.


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> I love the norse inspired theme, it is remeniscent of an old folk ballad.  This having been said, the last two lines in stanzas three and four are off pitch, slightly flat.  (And yes, I do used an abundance of musical metaphors because poetry and music are dialets of the same language.)
> 
> You have a very set and defined rhyme scheme.  On lines: smoke and hope, there are similiarities, but it isn't enough.  The tone slips.  The k being harder than the p.
> 
> ...




I appreciate your critique DarKKin... your insight brilliant!..lol.. I really should use a little ..restraint and care when in the creative process... Thank you again...Peace..


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

rcallaci said:


> Julia
> 
> I feel like getting my axe and waving it in the air while a group of my co-patriots shoot fire fueled arrows in the air..
> 
> ...




Thank you Maestro.... rcallaci... I love your imagery ... flaming arrows, nice send off.. lol.. I agree there is a time and a place for punctuation... and this felt better without any restrictions... anyway.. I really do hate restrictions of any kind... when I am told to turn right, I will always turn left..  Thanks my friend...


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Reading it drew pictures in my mind.




Sonata.. I am glad you enjoyed the imagery... Thank you..


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

astroannie said:


> This could easily be coaxed into iambic pentameter without sacrificing its meaning. Not saying you want to; but the meter would elevate it from good to exceptional.
> 
> For example, the first line could be "O, when I die, then set a final fire."  Note that your pronunciation of fire has to one syllable for this to work--some people say fie-ur. You'll need a synonym for glorious in L2 because it goes DA-da-da and would break stride, but English has a LOT of words.




annie... I liked your vision of what this poem could have been.. thank you


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

LeeC said:


> Anyone can improve their work, life being only striving towards imagined goals. Your efforts though many times embody uncommon soul, evidenced in meaningful insight.
> 
> 
> By all means, endeavor for the perfect ring, but don't lose sight of what you're conveying.




Lee... you have the  beautiful soul of a poet... and the kindness of a friend...Thank you...your words almost.. made me cry... ok... maybe a little..


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

jenthepen said:


> You know me, I read the emotion, the feeling, and this one unsettled me. I feel the pain and despondency, so the poem works but it makes me sad. Powerful poetry!




I do know you.. and I adore you.. I knew you would understand...


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

Nellie said:


> Julia,
> 
> Upon the first reading I thought that perhaps some punctuation was needed in the first line. But reading it again, it doesn't need it in modern poetry. The point is made. And with what Darkinn said about defined rhyme in poetry: does a poem need to have a definite rhyme? Doesn't some poetry use half-rhyme or slant rhymes? Emily Dickinson was a one who used half-rhymes in much of her poetry. Do we all need to use the same poetic structure? I think not. We all need to venture out once in a while and try writing something new, different.
> 
> Well done, Julia! Thanks.



Nellie...I always will work to improve this thing called poetry that I love so much... Thank you for your elegant insight..


----------



## jenthepen (Mar 28, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> I really should use a little ..restraint and care when in the creative process...



Don't you dare!


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2015)

jen... LMAO.... Ok.. if you insist.. dark twin... lol .. Thank you...


----------



## QDOS (Mar 29, 2015)

I sensed the ode to a Viking funeral great piece. 

Have a few suggestion to maintain the rhyme. 
  4[SUP]th[/SUP] stanza 
  Watch me as I go up in flames
know that I have loathed this game - these games
painful love... loving sacrifice
this fragile thing we call life - life, we pay the price
  5[SUP]th[/SUP] stanza
  Let my flame ignite your night
passion born of pain and strife - to blight
let my smoke permeate your skin
build a fire deep within

*QDOS*


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 29, 2015)

QDOS... I love the suggestions, each would absolutely work.. Thank you for reading and commenting, always a pleasure... Peace always... Jul


----------



## am_hammy (Mar 30, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> Let my flame ignite your night
> passion born of pain and strife
> *let my smoke permeate your skin
> build a fire deep within*
> ...



Just wanted to focus on these two stanzas specifically because of the emotion that they evoke in me. 


That flame really isn't gone without a trace then is it? 

If you're around a fire long enough and you stay with it, that smokey smell can stay with you forever. It is not a smell easily forgotten. It is deep, earthy, and brings a sense of warmth and comfort. Someone who has such a powerful presence of a flame will always burn brightly in a person's mind. I can recall several campfires and fireplaces where I've stared long into the flames that lick the wood and have become mesmerized. Fire is beautiful, complicated, and dangerous. That doesn't mean it isn't beneficial. It gives light, it keeps a person warm, and can keep a person alive.

A flame might no longer burn, but the memory of that flame will burn forever in memory. So really, there's been so much left to cherish, and that flame will never be forgotten.

Thank you for sharing this Julia ^_^


----------



## escorial (Mar 30, 2015)

fast pace piece to read....liked


----------



## Firemajic (Mar 31, 2015)

hammy darlin'... your comments on this poem, are in truth... more lyrical and beautiful than the poem... you are a special soul... may your brilliant flame always burn baby burn...
Escorial... I am pleased you felt the fast pace... fast, out of control... like fire... lol.. Thanks.  Peace always...Jul


----------

