# Scores: November 2022 (1 Viewer)



## Harper J. Cole (Dec 4, 2022)

A challenging challenge. Seven braved the roulette wheel...


TitlevrangerLouanne LearningBadHousesNajaNoirS J Ward*AVERAGE*The Montebank by S J Ward19.515.51920JUDGE*JUDGE*The Heist by TL Murphy1916.51618.516.5*17.3*The Village Bully by SueC19161318.516.5*16.6*The Tinder Box by rcallaci1713161615.5*15.5*Love at First Sight by Taylor18.519.51819.517*18.5**3*The Earthkeepers by Lady Serpentine2019.5192018*19.3**1*Spin Your Darlings by Ibb17.5202019.516*18.6**2*

The winner posted a rare 19+ average...

The Earthkeepers _by Lady Serpentine_
Spin Your Darlings _by Ibb_
Love at First Sight _by Taylor_

Many thanks to our quintet of devoted judges. Here are their comments in full...



Spoiler: Vranger's scores



*The Montebank - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

One little ding on SPaG for a goof around a quote is all I could find. I thought the story was brilliant. Funny and I thought used the Plot Wheel completely. Loved it.

*The Heist - TL Murphy*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19*

The rhino line was fun, but it also needed a comma, so that was SPaG. “Smaller vocabulary than my parrot” cracked me up.  I didn’t really see the Frame. I have to score on that but it doesn’t really matter for enjoying the story, which I absolutely did from start to finish.

*The Village Bully - SueC*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19*

An extra comma and a couple of semi-colons I thought would be better as two sentences are the dings on SPaG. I thought this was a BRILLIANT take on the Plot Wheel. It went in a direction I’d never have imagined, myself, from the prompt. Another really fun story. 

*The Tinder Box - rcallaci*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.0*

A “their” needing to be “they’re”, and it came in the same sentence with the right one. LOL A paragraph of dialogue that needed to be broken out into separate paragraphs for each exchange of speakers. It made the speakers hard to follow and I had to reread it.
Inclusion of the Plot Wheel elements was outstanding, and he story kept my attention throughout. You couldn’t have put the Damsel in more Distress LOL. (or dis-dress) Really well done.

*Love at First Sight - Taylor*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

“High school sweetheart” needs a hyphen. I got just a bit lost at the transition into the alley because I was expecting her to be meeting the lover, and had to wait a bit to find out she was being offered merchandise. GREAT job of meeting all the Plot Wheel elements, and I’ve found all the entries so far to do that in clever and surprising ways. No exception here. 

*The Earthkeepers - Anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 20.0*

LOVE the way you included the Plot Wheel terms in the story. LOL I’m going to be honest: From the standpoint of reading, this is my second favorite story, because I liked the humor in my second-highest score. They’d have tied but I found an obvious SPaG error in that one and not this one. While I didn’t find this one humorous, it pulled me along the whole way, as pretty much all these have. These 650 words stories don’t always manage to be so full and self-contained. Excellent job.

*Ibb - Spin Your Darlings*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.5*

A couple of odd line breaks in the middle of sentences at the top are more formatting, but that’s ding on the SPaG score. I didn’t quite see everything from the Plot Wheel integrated into the story as much as some entries, but it was a fine entry anyway. Great piece of satire on LM, and I chuckled a lot.  Fun read and a lot of imagination here. 





Spoiler: Louanne Learning's scores



*The Mounteback*, by Anon – 15.5

SPaG – 3.5

Sentence structure grammatically incorrect: _Where so many cats came from?_

Be consistent with capitalization: _Your Mayorship, Lords and *Ladies… *“*This* is us.”_

Comma inside end quote, not period: _“I’ll volunteer,” screeched… _(a repeated error)

The following needs restructuring: _Nigel, suddenly regretted his choice of the light grey suit, not that any of the audience would notice—they were already heading for the hills._

Instead:_ Nigel suddenly regretted his choice of light grey suit. Not that any of the audience would notice. They were already heading for the hills._

Tone and Voice - 5

This story had a good, chirpy feel to it.

Evaluation – 3

The narrative arc was slightly confusing. In the second line, what was unseen? Why does the woman shout out “Cobblers?” Cobblers are shoemakers. Was the professor the eminent-looking man? The introduction of Nigel Smith was confusing. Was he the opening speaker? At times, the reader is unable to tell who is doing the speaking. Putting the dialogue into some context would help.

Why did they throw cats? And it took a few reads before I realized the characters were a woman and her two sons.

The prompt was met.

Reaction - 4

I liked this story. The structure of it needed a little work, but it brought a smile to my lips. Lovely description of her transformation into a unicorn!



*The Heist*, by T.L. Murphy – 16.5

SPaG – 3.5

Needs a comma: _…rhinoceros in his backyard, which turns out to be true._

Comma goes inside (not outside) the end quote: _“Yeh,” says Johnny_

Comma not period with dialogue followed by tag: _“Naw,” says Johnny_

Be consistent with quotes: _…blow my brains out.”_

Tone and Voice – 5

I had no trouble imagining the narrator. Tone and voice were well done, engaging and consistent.

Evaluation – 4

The prompt was met. The elements worked together although the scene change and the conclusion to the story were abrupt. That made the narrative arc somewhat choppy and incomplete. Characters were developed well and popped off the page. I got a kick out of reading about their exploits.

Reaction – 4

Nice set-up with the three characters in the bar. Funny imagining them in costume! The scene in the bank is quite funny. Well done. I would have liked a more satisfying ending.



*The Village Bully*, by SueC – 16

SPaG – 5

Tone and Voice – 4

A consistent voice is maintained, but the personality and mood of the narrative could have used a little oomph. It read somewhat flat.

Avoid the POV saying: “I watched…” Instead: _Julie from Human Resources and attorney Kip Marshall practically canoodled at the other end of the conference table as if my presence was superfluous. In excruciating detail, they relived…_

Evaluation – 3.5

The prompt was partially met, but the inciting incident was used as the conclusion instead. The trial and solution are not apparent. The narrative arc was a little choppy, as if trying to fit in elements of the prompt without a clear vision of the overall arc, which should have included the trial and solution more obviously.

Also, I wonder why you switched to telling in the middle of conversation. Instead:

_“He flirted with me, then moved on to her. They fired her after that.”

“Why’d they keep him in the practice?” I wondered._

Reaction – 3.5

The title doesn’t seem to fit the story. The only allusion to bullying was a brief mention of Kip “belittling her.”

The opening is hard to believe, that Julie and Kip would canoodle for an hour during a job interview while the narrator just sat there, and then she was shown immediately to a desk from the interview.

But, overall, I gathered what you were trying to do. At times, an engaging read.



*The Tinder Box*, by rcallaci – 13

SPaG – 1.5

Incomplete sentence: _All colonized._

Semi-colon used where it should have been a comma.

_… the order of Neo-mages, a powerful society

… gained access to the secrets contained in the Hera Project, it could prove catastrophic…_

Possessive is _its_, not _it’s_.

Quotation mark used instead of period. _…groveling at our feet._

Missing question mark … _turn on your own people? … Are you mad, Zurester?_

There should be only one speaker per paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph.

Their was used for they’re. …_they’re people._

Dialogue without quotation marks. _“Governor we are placing … nullified,” said…_

Tone and Voice – 4.5

It had a good, science-fiction feel to it, but was a little draggy in spots.

Evaluation – 3.5

The prompt was mostly met, but the inciting incident was not used. There was no clear conclusion to the narrative arc. It seemed to be more a couple of scenes than a story.

Reaction – 3.5

Very interesting idea. However, the accusation against Patema seemed flimsy and her punishment gratuitous. Too many characters with unusual names made it a little confusing.



*Love at First Sight*, by Taylor – 19.5

SPaG – 5

One missing quotation mark (everyone gets one SPaG error free) _… you must follow me to my shop.”_

Tone and Voice – 5

Consistent and engaging POV, tone and voice.

Evaluation – 5

All the elements in the story worked so well together. There is a clear and logical narrative arc. The prompt is fully met in an original and clever way. Good character development.

Reaction – 4.5

I really enjoyed this story. It had a lot going for it, but I am not sure how erotic it was. The character Madge came alive. The story made sense. Loved the ending. Well done!



*Earthkeepers*, by Anon – 19.5

SPaG – 4.5

Dialogue tag should not be capitalized. _“What do you think?” *she* asked_

Incorrect verb tense. _Earth’s toxic environment *had been expected*…_

Tone and Voice – 5

Consistent and engaging POV, tone and voice.

Evaluation – 5

All the elements in the story worked so well together. There is a clear and logical narrative arc. The prompt is fully met in an original and clever way. Good character development.

Reaction – 5

A very well put together story. Good suspense. Loved the twist at the ending.





*Spin Your Darlings*, by Ibb - 20

SPaG – 5

Tone and Voice – 5

Screams with personality – in a very good way! Love the attitude. Consistent and demanding. Demands to be read.

Evaluation – 5

Prompt fully met with an abundance of creativity. Strong narrative arc. Original and powerful.

Reaction – 5

A masterpiece. Very smart, thought-provoking and entertaining.





Spoiler: BadHouses' scores



The Mountebank by anon
SpaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 5
Total: 19

Loved the wacky wild westiness, though I could've done without the scatological ending. Maggdread is a fantastic name, that's like 5 points right there. Does the guy have amnesia about his family and stealing the elixir, or am I not getting something? Loved the Carpenterian transformation sequence.


The Tinderbox by rcallaci
SpaG: 2
Tone and Voice: 5
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 5
Total: 16

Loved this story. I imagined them all wearing B-movie collars and capes, maybe with tall painted eyebrows and jumpsuits. The names made me grin and I enjoyed saying them aloud with a Shatner cadence. Infostructure is a cool word. You've got campy sci-fi with serious sci-fi and I think you combined them beautifully.

SPaG is low due to a bunch of quotation marks added and elided, one wrong their/they're, a to/do typo, and a bunch of the dialogue squashed into paragraphs which for me was harder to read. The transition from Patema fainting into dialogue also needed a re-read after realising it was speech.


Spin Your Darlings by Ibb
20/20

You've got so many good turns of phrase in here, the first draft of this review was just a list of quotes. Abstract noir, this story flowed front to back. I don't have much to say beyond you nailed it. "Citywide writers block" is gold.


The Heist by TL Murphy
SpaG: 5
TV: 5
Eval: 3
Rxn: 3
Total: 16

I like the ending, it seems appropriate for their plan to totally fall apart, but it also fizzles out as a result. I struggle to see how they thought this could work, even if they are at the left tail of the IQ curve. Still, the old lady was fun and the whole vibe of the piece captured me.


The Village Bully by SueC
SpaG: 5
TV: 3
Eval: 3
Rxn: 2
Total: 13

The bully is well realised, and the prospect of working in an office where the boss and HR are in cahoots could be awful. A job where you're left to flounder was well-rendered.

This story seems to build to the fall of the bully, it nicely sets up a couple means to achieve that fall, yet that fall finally happens off-page which greatly deflated it for me.


Love at First Sight by Taylor
SPaG: 5
TV: 4
Eval: 4
Rxn: 5
Total: 18

This felt sharp from start to finish and you evoked New York very well through specificity. The only thing that left me off kilter was how the cops just sorta wandered off.

I'm not sure if it was due to it being a forum post or a deliberate jest, but the erotica story with censored swear words made me giggle. Speaking of, I think your handling of the prompt was especially clever. Bravo.


The Earthkeepers by anon
SpaG: 5
TV: 4
Eval: 5
Rxn: 5
Total: 19

Awesome world-building, your story is detailed, structured, and a wealth of background comes clearly and concisely. It's just damn nice read. Your ending is perfect too, closing the story on new information, I still found it satisfying.





Spoiler: NajaNoir's scores



*The Mountebank - Anon*

SPAG: 5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 5
Reaction: 5

Total: 20

What a fun and animated story this was. The dialogue was witty and the setting seemed the perfect place for such antics. I found nothing amiss and wouldn't change any of it.

To me, this seemed an unimaginative prompt that would bring about some stiff writing. I was delighted to be proved wrong from the get-go with this amusing tale. Well done!


*The Heist - T.L. Murphy*

SPAG: 4.5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 4.5
Reaction: 4.5

Total: 18.5

I’m not a fan of heist stories, but overall I thought this was well written and amusing. The bit about the key conjured pictures in my mind of treasures to come. I enjoy that. You brought together all of the needed elements with the cliffhanger outshining the rest. Ordinarily I wouldn't appreciate such an abrupt ending, but there was a touch of boldness to it. As if we got from the prompt exactly what was asked for and not a smidgeon more. Lots of personality for a short story.

The only thing I saw was one out of bounds comma.


*The Village Bully - SueC*

SPAG: 5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 4.5

Total: 18.5

Another well written story that did a good job incorporating all the needed elements. I liked the tone and setting of the story, but I didn’t think bully was the right word for Kip. He appeared more dismissive than a tormenter. I feel there was a missed opportunity to show the bullying in action through more dialogue. The scoring reflects that line of thinking, as it was my only complaint.

I did find Dana’s snarky welcome a nice realistic touch which made it all that much easier to visualize.


*The Tinder Box - rcallaci*

SPAG: 3
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 4
Reaction: 4

Total: 16


This seemed the perfect prompt wheel and I think you did it justice for the most part. The words you used to build the scene conjured vivid images to mind. I particularly like "Jeweled World's" and "Topaz System." The end was satisfying.

There were unfortunately some hiccups with the quotations and a missing period. Made me think it was written hastily. If this had gone through a good grammar check, I believe you would have caught the mistakes. However, it read well and I would like to see it expanded if you ever care to do so.


*Love at First Sight - Taylor*

SPAG: 5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 5
Reaction: 4.5

Total: 19.5

Firstly, I must say that you made the toughest prompt wheel seem like a breeze, kudos. All the needed elements were there and blended seamlessly. The ambiguity of the title was a nice feature.

My only quibble is that, that doesn’t seem like a scenario she’d just get up and walk away from. I think (would hope) that police would be more aware than that. Still, far-fetched or not, it was fun, and her pure joy at seeing the bag of her envious dreams made me chuckle. I was glad she got it back.


*The Earthkeepers - Anon*

SPAG: 5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 5
Reaction: 5

Total: 20

Wow, this story spoke to the sci-fi fan in me and I loved it. You made me feel connected to Meg and experience real concern for her. This is another one I wouldn’t change at all.

Great job incorporating the elements of the prompt. I’m really interested in seeing who wrote this, because I’d like to read more from you. Imaginative and entertaining.


*Spin your Darlings - lbb*

SPAG: 5
T&V: 5
Evaluation: 5
Reaction: 4.5

Total: 19.5

I greatly enjoyed the interactive way you blended the forum into the prompt. The noir feel had me visualizing the story in black and white and gave me a sense of the thick atmosphere. This I really enjoyed, hence my name. This was my favorite sentence, "Her flesh lacerated in unfinished thoughts and aborted ideas." That's some clever writing.

The only mark against your score was that I felt the dialect/slang in a couple instances was somewhat cartoonish. Just didn't feel quite right to me. Still, this was quite engaging and I loved the raw pessimistic mood of the piece and hope to see more like this from you in the future.





Spoiler: S J Ward's scores



The Heist by T L Murphy



SPAG3.5

T&V4.5

Eval4.0

React4.5



Total16.5



I liked this story and also the cliffhanger ending. The use of present tense made it fresh and the hapless group that attempt the heist are interesting and ridiculously likeable.

I found some problems in the grammar where split-speeches bearing commas are restarted bearing capital letters. Also, Middle Ages is a plural noun and does not require a hyphen. One very long sentence could have benefitted with breaking down. There were also a few period/comma battles that were lost.

Sounds like I’m slating the piece. I’m not, I think it just needed another edit.

The story was imaginative and enjoyable. And it filled the criteria from the prompt generator.




```
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Tinderbox by rcallaci



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

React4.0



Total15.5



I did get rather lost with this story and it took quite a few read-throughs to get the gist of it. Mainly due to the seemingly, over-long paragraphs containing more than one speech train.

Use of colons and semi-colons seemed excessive and the opening paragraphs utilized the word ‘was’, which felt like he was already not the Governor anymore.

Once I got away from the distractions, I started to enjoy the story. It was very imaginative and met the criteria well.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
```


The Earthkeepers by Anon.



SPAG5.0

T&V4.5

Eval4.0

React4.5



Total18.0



Couldn’t really find a lot wrong with the way this piece was written. So, clutching at straws, I noted that all speech marks are double, (Single or double is acceptable) but where ‘abandoners’ are given double speech marks, it doesn’t differentiate from speech. Told you! Clutching at straws!

Well written, and perhaps my favourite story. It meets the criteria but with a couple of slight cheats, that lowered the evaluation a little.




```
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Village Bully by SueC



SPAG4.0

T&V4.5

Eval4.0

React4.0



Total16.5



I think the semi-colons should have been removed from this piece. In my opinion they were superfluous and a distraction. A comma seemed to fall in the wrong place. ‘out of pocket’, rather than ‘out of pocket,’. And I read the word [I][B]bosses’ [/B][/I]as being a possessive singular which would be [I][B]boss’s[/B][/I].

Loved the characters and their interactions and I learnt that ‘Out of pocket’ has two more meanings that the one I know—‘out of money’.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
```


Love at First Sight by Taylor.



SPAG4.5

T&V4.0

Eval4.5

React4.0



Total17.0



Someone saying something with a pearly grin, I felt deserved punctuation to remove it from the realms of being a dangling modifier. Did both the pearly grin and the character speak in unison? A fault in my own writing often! I didn’t feel that the gunshot could have spurted blood, that sentence needed re-writing. The gunshot is an action and a sound, the bullet from the gun entering the victim is what causes a spurt of blood. Imo.

But I liked the story. Especially the hint of eroticism right at the very end. A well written piece with just a couple of nits picked.






```
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Spin Your Darlings by Ibb



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

Eval3.0

React4.0



Total16.0



Where does one start? Let’s start with the misuse if semi-colons. Oh, that’s explained in the story!

Getting rid of most of the criteria in a totally unique way! Just mentioning them with no involvement within the story. But then again it is a story within a story about a story world!

It made me laugh but I had to consider the amount of cheating.

Favourite line of all the stories goes to you… ‘I exhaled my nicotine.’ The T&V was great.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
```




Wow! This was perhaps a harder competition to judge than when there are more entries.

All of the entries, delivered on the prompts. Some in inventive and imaginative ways.

I thoroughly enjoyed each story and it was hard to decide on my favourite, the scoring did that for me.

Thank you all entrants.



Interested in a new challenge? Our December LM is now up: *LINK*


----------



## Foxee (Dec 4, 2022)

Congrats to the winners and hats off to everyone who participated. A stiff drink and a warm blanket for the judges...it'll all be okay.


----------



## Taylor (Dec 4, 2022)

I'm thrilled that I placed!  I'm even more pleased with the judge's comments.  THANK YOU!! 

Congratulations to the other winners, @Ladyserpentine, and @Ibb.  And kudos to everyone who took this challenge on ... all great stories. 

Harper—impeccable job, as always.


----------



## TMarie (Dec 4, 2022)

I've not experienced the random generator before so didn't have a clue how it all worked. Very impressive stories from everyone and congrats to the winners! Well done!


----------



## NajaNoir (Dec 4, 2022)

I said in another post that this prompt brought out the best of the best, it really did. Hats off to all of you. Was a pleasure to read the stories. 

Congrats to @Taylor @Ibb, well done.

And congrats to @Ladyserpentine for the win. What a great writer you are.


----------



## Louanne Learning (Dec 4, 2022)

Congratulations to the winners! Outstanding stories! 

Everyone did so well.


----------



## rcallaci (Dec 4, 2022)

Congarts to everyone who put story to virtual paper. Kudos to the judges and our host. The winning entries were outstanding.

warmest
bob


----------



## Ladyserpentine (Dec 4, 2022)

Wow, what an honor!! Not only because this month's challenge was _extremely_ challenging, but also because the other entries were all such delightfully entertaining reads! (Some of y'all really cracked me up this go-around...)

Congrats to @Ibb and @Taylor, your placings were well earned! Congrats as well to everyone who entered- it was really a thrill to see how each entrant breathed life into their plot wheels. 

Thank you of course to the team of judges and to our host @Harper J. Cole!


----------



## VRanger (Dec 4, 2022)

Grats Ladyserpentine, Ibb, and Taylor! As I mentioned elsewhere, judging this month was a pure pleasure to read all those stories.  The three eligible who didn't place, those stories were just as much fun. Great month. 

Special notice to S J who, _boldy_, posted first with a WONDERFUL story that had some nice scores.


----------



## S J Ward (Dec 5, 2022)

Congratulations Taylor, Ibb and Ladyserpentine on your winning stories, all well deservant of acclaim. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and judging all of the stories this month. Even though there were less entries to judge we ended up with a fantastic variety of interpretations.


----------



## bdcharles (Dec 5, 2022)

Harper J. Cole said:


> The *Montebank *by S J Ward


I must be honest @S J Ward and others, I have not had a chance to read this month's entries but this is one of my favourite words. I love how you can chain it together with like descriptors to make the most civilised of quasi-pirate-y sounding insults.

"That damn bounder's a cad, a louche, and a rogue, see? A ruddy blackguard and flying red man if ever I saw one. Yes, that's him, that's the unspeakable philistine and, quite frankly, all-in mountebank."

Now I am off to read the stories


----------



## Ibb (Dec 5, 2022)

These stories were wonderful to read, and this is by far the toughest prompt I've personally dealt with. Props to everybody who stepped up to give it a go. Congratulations to Lady Serpentine and Taylor, and thank you, as always, to the judges who volunteer their time to give feedback, and to Harper for always keeping things so nice and organized. See you all in December!


----------

