# Second Person Scores



## eggo (Sep 10, 2009)

Well,

Tia internet access blew up and she's asked me to put a nail in this one. There were only a few entries and I read and scored them along with Leyline and Hawke.

So without further pause,

*red pen*
19​ 16​ 16​ 

Average17​ 
*Two.o*
16​ 18​ 16​ 


Average16.66666667​ 
*Cyberspecter*
17​ 17​ 18​ 


Average17.33333333​ 
*Like a Fox*
16​ 16.5​ 18.5​ 


Average17​ 
​
Congrats Cyberspecter!


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## eggo (Sep 10, 2009)

Hawke:

*LM Challenge Scores* 
   First, a lil’ sumpin sumpin: The following is only my  opinion—one opinion, and should be taken as such. Oh yes, and I had to stop  smoking today… which also involves giving up coffee because, really, how can a  smoker enjoy a coffee without a cigarette? But anyway. Please don’t say anything  positive or negative about the stopping smoking part; I mention it only to  forewarn you that my comments may come across as far harsher than intended  and/or I may score far harsher than I normally would. In other words, I’m  dangerous and don’t know what I’m talking about.



*You  Realize - Red Pen - 16* 
I understand that your first sentence sets  the scene and tone for the rest of the work, but it lacks the big impact—the one  that hooks the reader into making him/her want to read on. And yes, I realize  that the title gives away the work in two ways: “you” do realize something, and  the word “realize” opens the door to use the word "realize" throughout the  story. While the first works perfectly fine, the second is repetitious and, if  overused (I counted eight, not including the title), grating. Good stuff here  though. Just could use some touch ups. Thank you. 


*Her name was  Ruby - 2.0 - 18*
You set the stage and got me crawling and tense with  the first paragraph. Super hook. Just because it’s been done a million times  does not make it less chilling. Good job. Hate your MC. Thank  you.


*In The Hall Of Kings, Hungover - Leyline - N/A  (Judge)*
Now _that’s_ a super first line. Immediate hook.  Unfortunately I’m not up to snuff enough at the moment to fully grasp the depth,  or even meaning, with only one read-through. Will try again soonest. Thank  you.


*Guilt Trip - cyberspecter - 17 *
Nit: reign in -  rein in; careful of your tenses. 
Again, it’s been done before… but what  hasn’t? The first sentence didn’t read right for me. Likely just me though. He  went so fast (was thinking about the sister and the timing of the call and all).  Not that going fast was a problem. Terrible things have their own agendas. It  just felt a touch rushed, which was likely due to the low word count. Good job.  Thank you. 

*
Self Deprecating Writer - Like a Fox -  16.5*
… and yep, of course it’s been done to bits. But I loved your  humor (including how you got the title, which made this reader feel as though I  was let in on a secret; the author’s confidant) and all the truisms (to me) of  the writer/reader fence made me grin. Good stuff. Thank you.


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## eggo (Sep 10, 2009)

.hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { font-size: 10pt; font-family:Verdana } Leyline:

Title: _You Realize_ 
Author: *Red Pen* 

Interesting little piece. The writing was fine, and technically well  done. I must admit that I ended the story with no real clue about who the  character was, what sort of world he lived in or what he was going on about. It  seemed to be a semi-medieval situation, but the dialogue style was more  reminiscent of an _A Clockwork Orange_-esque near future dystopia. The  point of the piece seemed to be the sudden realization of mortality/aging.  

All in all, I enjoyed it. Could have been clearer and more precise,  however. 

Score: *16/20* 


Title: _Her Name Was Ruby_ 

Author: *2.0* 

Hmm. Oddly, this was another confusing one,  while at the same time being well written and technically adroit. Is the  viewpoint character a child molester? A pedophile who doesn't act on his urges?  It was rough to judge, because some of the humorous bits (the kids terrible  singing) were blunted by my dread of what might happen next. The repeated  reminders of his/her drooling was strange and, IMO, muddled. I give you much  credit for creating a strange atmosphere of dread, though. I just wish the point  had been clearer. 

Score: *16/20* 


Title: _Guilt  Trip_ 

Author: *cyberspecter* 

A powerful and well written  exploration of guilt and responsibility divided. I can't say I enjoyed this, but  I found it powerful and well done. I do wish that more of the narrative could  have been focused on the relationship between father and son, rather than the  son's feelings. And, I have to admit, I found the last line to be very much out  of tone with the rest, reminding me of a genre horror story rather than the  focused melodrama of the story. 

That said, it lived up to cyber's usual  high standards. 

Score: *18/20* 

Title: _Self Deprecating  Writer_ 

Author: *Like A Fox* 

Trust you to bring some  light heartedness into a so far pretty bleak LM. Fun and funny, just as I expect  from most of your shorter work. Some great lines, and probably the most unique  use of the prompt in all the entries. I especially liked the pretend egoism of  the last line. It reminded me of myself as I write a story, torn between  thinking it's the greatest thing ever and the biggest piece of crap known to  man. 

Score: *18.5/20*


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## eggo (Sep 10, 2009)

Eggo

Quick comments guys.

 Red Pen- You Realize

  You scuff your boot along the sidewalk. You realize that it is not the excitement. You realize it is not the passion. You realize it is not the loss.

You realize it is the moment.

The moment that is replaced by another moment, which is then replaced by another. Every moment that passes takes you away from the last moment. And, you realize,

  Five realizes in a short span.

  Liked this   

  19

  2.0 – Her name was Ruby

  Disturbing. Seemed to read well enough, but the subject matter left me cold.

  16

  Leyline- In the Hall of the Kings

  A little Greig,  perhaps?

  I thought this was excellent. I read this last night and then again today and still am a bit baffled.  But where the story lost me, the  stunning prose carried this.

  Thanks

  Cyberspecter – Guilt Trip



> She’s a little slower moving these days, especially the last three months- ever since The Day.


  She’s moving a little slower these days,

  Good story.  It seemed as though you were a little uncomfortable with second person, but it could be me.

  17
  Like a Fox- Self Depreciating Writer


> words and feeling nothing but pity for the poor saps who read this.
> 
> laughing like hell.



Liked the honesty and style


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## Leyline (Sep 10, 2009)

Finally. Sheesh! 

To the people slightly baffled by my entry:

It's Loki, 'waking up' Odin in the modern world to prepare for Ragnarok, just around the corner. Odin had been a high-powered corporate exec in this world. That's what the 'workplace toys' referred to. Odin had a ship that could be folded up and put into a pocket, built for him by the Dwarves when they built Mjonlir. The parallel with modern 'fold-up' tech was too delicious to ignore.

Tons of other edda bits n' pieces in there. I'm quite proud of it, even if it's a cheat. LOL. Not really second person. Loki gives it away before the end.


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## eggo (Sep 13, 2009)

I get it now, Leyline.

I thought the reference to Loki was done in passing. 

Cool stuff


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## cyberspecter (Sep 14, 2009)

That was a tough assignment! Thanks judges! Congrats to all who entered! Just writing second person is tough stuff. 

I think I missed Ox's entry!


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