# I'm In You



## Firemajic (Jan 19, 2019)

*Legs entwined as desire
wrapped us in cashmere heat
your fingertips played music
up and down my spine

In this perpetual passion
my body became innocent
untethered from shyness
uninhibited as a child

Heartbeats perfectly synchronized 
drumming a primordial rhythm 
singing a song without words
orchestrated by a force beyond you and I 

In a heartbreaking appoggiatura 
I implode into you 
*


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## jenthepen (Jan 19, 2019)

Another hot poem from the fire lady! You must live a fantastic life. 

Only the final line of the third stanza seems a little out of rhythm to me. I love the idea that it expresses though so maybe it doesn't matter, unless you could find a more concise way to say the same thing? Perhaps you could come up with something using 'harmony' or 'harmonics'?

Loved it.


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## PiP (Jan 19, 2019)

A hot poem indeed. 

i loved the line 
*wrapped us in cashmere heat
---
**I agree with Jen on this line

**orchestrated by a force beyond you and I 

--

How about

**Heartbeats perfectly synchronized 
drumming a primordial rhythm 
singing a song without words
**orchestrated** beyond you and I 
*


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## Gumby (Jan 19, 2019)

I like the heat in this, Juls. Try to write it all in the present tense, I think it kicks it up a notch, maybe you will, too.

*Legs entwine as desire
wraps us in cashmere heat
your fingertips play music
up and down my spine*


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## Darren White (Jan 20, 2019)

Love this sensual poem, it has music in it.
Can I suggest not using the word 'music' here, and instead name some composer? It would make it even stronger.
And then put it in present tense?



> *your fingertips play music
> up and down my spine*


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## Firemajic (Jan 20, 2019)

Firemajic said:


> *[I
> ]Legs entwined as desire
> wrapped us in cashmere heat
> your fingertips played music
> ...




Revised Poem

I'm In You

Legs entwine as desire
wraps us in cashmere heat
your fingertips play Chopin
up and down my spine

In this perpetual passion
my body becomes innocent
untethered from shyness
uninhibited as a child

Heartbeats perfectly synchronize 
drumming a primordial rhythm
singing a song without words
orchestrated beyond you and I 

In a heartbreaking appoggiatura
I implode into you


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## Darren White (Jan 20, 2019)

Yeah, that's it 
Personally I like this much better, do you too?


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## Firemajic (Jan 20, 2019)

jenthepen said:


> Another hot poem from the fire lady! You must live a fantastic life.
> 
> Only the final line of the third stanza seems a little out of rhythm to me. I love the idea that it expresses though so maybe it doesn't matter, unless you could find a more concise way to say the same thing? Perhaps you could come up with something using 'harmony' or 'harmonics'?
> 
> Loved it.





PiP said:


> A hot poem indeed.
> 
> i loved the line
> *wrapped us in cashmere heat
> ...




Dear Jen and PiP, thank you for your comments, they are valued and appreciated  I made the changes you both suggested, hopefully it flows better...

Gumby, your suggestion is brilliant and I did as you suggested, thank you so much!

Darren... wow! Loved your Idea ... and I did it...  thank you so much 

Thank you all for your insightful critique, it always helps me grow as a writer and I love seeing my poetry through your eyes....



Gumby said:


> I like the heat in this, Juls. Try to write it all in the present tense, I think it kicks it up a notch, maybe you will, too.
> 
> *Legs entwine as desire
> wraps us in cashmere heat
> ...





Darren White said:


> Love this sensual poem, it has music in it.
> Can I suggest not using the word 'music' here, and instead name some composer? It would make it even stronger.
> And then put it in present tense?


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## Firemajic (Jan 20, 2019)

Darren White said:


> Yeah, that's it
> Personally I like this much better, do you too?




Absolutely! Now it expresses soooo much more....


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## escorial (Jan 20, 2019)

needs a bucket of cold water thrown at it...


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## jenthepen (Jan 20, 2019)

escorial said:


> needs a bucket of cold water thrown at it...



Steam heat, eh? That could make things interesting.


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## rainyjuly (Feb 13, 2019)

It is very interesting . I enjoyed reading this poem and replies. I learned a lot from it.


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## dannyboy (Mar 6, 2019)

no no let it burn, let it burn...
like the changes Firemajic - I may have gone with Bach -  a hidden rhyme with Fach?:tan:


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## apple (Mar 7, 2019)

A very sizzling poem , Firemajic.  I likey.   I have one critique and that would be the line "up and down my spine"  I seems very close to a cliché.  A line used quite often. It would be interesting to see how you could come up with another way to show us that action.  my best, apple


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