# June 2013 - LM - The Last Good Day - Scores



## Fin

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Last Good Day


Apologies once again for the delay, folks. Special thanks to Leyline and Bazz Cargo for being the backup judges for this round. Let us hope Moderan and Rustgold are both well. The blind challenge was a fun one and the authors of the stories will be revealed below in the score chart! A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Pluralized, Lasm, Leyline and Bazz Cargo for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Pluralized**Lasm**Leyline**Bazz Cargo**Average**Terry D - A Dog-Eared Page *1517181716.75*popsprocket - Lilium*151017.51514.37*InkwellMachine - Shelter*1717.5201918.37*Gargh - Postscript, after the row...*1715161916.75*Bazz Cargo - If You Get Born Into This World, You Will Die*JudgeJudgeJudgeJudgeN/A*Shinyford - First Bad Day*1616201717.25*Staff Deployment - Horizontal Slice*1818161617*Lewdog - Summer Lov’n*1615.5171716.37*Dictarium - The Marvelous Monday of Marcus Shunt*1819181918.5*Pennywise - Abdul*158.5141713.62*J Anfinson - Paradise*1813.5162016.87*Foxee - Time, Like a Present*1816.5181717.37*Spartan928 - The Last Good Day*1717171817.25*FleshEater - Love Me Not*1918.5141817.37*Lasm - Apathy*JudgeJudgeJudgeJudgeN/A


In third place, we have both *Foxee* with her entry *Time, Like a Present.* and *FleshEater* with his entry *Love Me Not.*
In second, we have *InkwellMachine* with his entry *Shelter.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Dictarium* with his entry *The Marvelous Monday of Marcus Shunt.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

*I really appreciate the opportunity to do this again; there are some terrific entries this round. I definitely like the blind challenge. Makes it more intriguing, and definitely more brutally honest. It will be riveting to see who wrote which stories. *


*A Dog-Eared Page
Score 15*

This guy is sad about the loss of a child. No question, that’s potential for a powerful and very emotional ride. This was just a few clicks off from giving me that emotional connection, though. 

I kept getting pulled out of the story, owing mainly to the slow opening paragraphs, then the purple references to artists. I see what you were going for, but starting with “Copernican precision” in that string of tributes had me skeptical from the start. There wasn’t enough detail about the “good day,” and way too much information about him reading this book and how “everything had changed.” I wanted to climb on, root for you, but the juxtaposition between casual bedside reading and the traumatic loss of a kid was too great.

I commend you for entering, and I do see cogs turning in the prose, which is a good thing.


*Lilium
Score 15*

The writing isn’t bad in this story, but the tone comes across horribly melodramatic. For example, the spinning. He’s catching glimpses of this lady and he’s spinning. All the spinning seemed like way too much action. He even stopped his spinning “with a cry.” The field of white turned out to be flowers (are Lilies wildflowers?), so he’d be at least ankle deep, maybe knee deep. Not sure how that matters, but it reads like he was standing atop the white.  

Spelling/Grammar – Not too bad, aside from some weird sentences, like, “He breathed heartbreaking lie.”

Tone – As I mentioned, it came across a bit melodramatic and that stuck out for me. I felt Whoopi Goldberg whispering in my ear, something about a ghost.

Overall this story left me wanting something more interesting to happen beyond the wispy images in dream-world. Toward the end, with the Rachel dialogue, it sort of picked up, but not quite enough for me. Still, the writing isn’t bad. Thanks for entering.
 
*Shelter
Score 17*

Whoa. This is bizarre, and rather delicious. The ending was a bit of a deflation, but the writing and the inventiveness kept me hooked all the way through. Very fun piece! 
The names were great. I kept reading “Two-blinks” as “Tube-links.” Not sure why, but it rolls off the tongue. Dig it.

The spelling, grammar, and punctuation were near flawless, despite one or two pluralization things and commas. The voice was sure and solid. 

Well done!


*Postscript, after the row...
Score 17*

I really thought this was a nice, sweet letter to Mel. Nothing I can really say about it besides; an interesting take on the prompt and a very nice sentiment. Thank you.


*If You Get Born Into This World, You Will Die
Judge*

Liked this a lot! It felt punchy, and just a wee bit too short. The only narrative promise that wasn’t kept stood out in the first sentence, which is in itself, a great line,* “it is how well they die that counts.”* 
I suppose you showed us an interesting and gripping scene with the Dutch lady, but who/how died by gunfire and then who died by knife didn’t close up the “how” you presented in the opening. Still, it’s short enough not to matter, and I think this was a fine story as-is. I would have liked a bit more action; this was like an appetizer and you left word-count on the table that I was planning to have for dinner. However, the tone and voice and SPaG are nearly flawless. 
Thanks for this, I enjoyed it. Especially well done on the Dutch lady’s speaking part, that was my favorite bit.


*First Bad Day
Score 16*

This was a lot of story for the word count, or at least a lot of substance. I liked all the dialogue, but it felt about two clicks off the entire time. The use of “impotently dabs” felt appropriate, but at the same time awkward. I wanted to know more about Lucas.

Spelling and grammar were good, though I questioned the use of full-stops throughout the dialogue. Seemed like we needed commas at certain times.

I liked the premise, really liked the “Lucifer, Inc.” part, but the ending felt completely weird and lost. Still, really cool story and obviously a lot of work went into this. I thank you for entering it.


*Horizontal Slice
Score 18*

What a fun story, and exceptionally well-written. The ending fell off abruptly, though you may have been going for something clever and subversive that I didn’t get. 
Still, I have to give this story high marks for the readability and interesting dialogue. This was probably the easiest story to read, so nice job. I wanted all of the characters’ tales to carry more punch, but they were still good. It seemed like a great opportunity to really get weird, which would have fit with the title. My imagination likes the possibilities, and this story was really a great deal of fun to read. Clean writing and a pleasant, jovial voice. Liked this a lot.


*Summer Love'n
Score 16
*

I enjoyed this; sort of a careless, halcyon summertime youth in this story, which was nice. The writing could be tightened up a bit, but not too bad. Concentrate on making the dialogue more realistic and watch the punctuation surrounding the speech marks and dialogue tags. Other than that, it has a very youthful tone and moves along just fine. Nothing really stands out here either way, so in the end it felt rather flat. Needs more bumps and jostling. 

Still, there’s a bit of extra effect mojo here due to the summer setting and sneaking down to the lake, which I liked. Thanks for entering!


*The Marvelous Monday of Marcus Shunt
Score 18*

I’d like to commend you on this rambling preamble. It was a witty, sarcastic time of things, and I actually chuckled at the end when you said, “Let us begin.” This type of over-the-top, choke-you-out introduction hit all the right notes for me. Loved reading this; the only thing I wished for was perhaps a little more wackiness. You opened the door, put one leg through, but kept it just inside the airplane. Jumping would have netted a perfect score.

I’d like to see this done with the title of the story, but I suspect that is too unorthodox to be attempted, and probably a tough thing to pull off. Thanks for entering this; I really enjoyed it. Nice use of the prompt, too.


*Abdul
Score 15*

There’s a lot to like about this story. It’s unique, has flavor, and almost puts me in the setting. It’s a really ambitious thing, writing out of culture, though, and it shows up here (preacher at a mosque, etc.), though it does create a memorable and interesting vibe. 

The writing needs to be edited for punctuation and capitalization to avoid losing points, as well as formatting issues. Nobody likes reading big hunks of text, especially on a small monitor. There are easy fixes all throughout the piece, but overall it’s readable and I liked it. 


*Paradise
Score 18*

I liked the grittiness of the dusty, palm tree-infested battlefield, which I am certain would resonate with lots of folks. Nice use of the prompt, too.

The violence comes on too quickly. You move from the rocket-launcher guy to, “Everyone inside was killed, then it got worse,” but don’t tell me about the man’s silhouette against the sky or how in the instant prior to the explosion the MC tries to yell out… you get my drift. Spelling, grammar, voice, all good.

I still think it was a great story, and enjoyed reading it. 


*Time, Like a Present
Score 18*

Clever story. Seems like this prompt was begging for a crazy old coot, and you brought us one! I love old coot stories, especially when there is an element of potential shenanigans at work. I liked the ending; very nicely done.

The writing is good, and I couldn’t find much to pick. Great work, and thank you for entering.


*The Last Good Day
Score 17*

This piece felt like it was the prompt’s chosen story in a way. It was a tender, and very touching piece. Reading things like this leave us wondering how the darkness of loss has colored the writer’s own experience, and we can only hope you’re just being imaginative. Either way, you did a good job. 
Especially, *“I remembered how he told me he wasn't afraid to die.”* Really sad stuff there, and effective. Thanks for entering.


*Love Me Not
Score 19*

When I first read this through, I wasn’t sure if it was a man narrating or a woman. Part of me wanted it to be a man, but only because the possibility was there… 

This was the highlight of the contest, in my opinion. Well done, just enough gratuitousness to flavor it with maturity, just enough woe to make it dramatic. Sleeping with the enemy is always intriguing, but I liked how you hid the shears and used them to frame the tension. 

Solid piece, and well-written. Thank you for entering!


*Apathy
Judge Entry*

This story was well written, zero flaws I could find. Nothing misspelled or funky grammar, very easy to read. Excellent flow. 

I thought it was good, but probably some of the contents shifted during flight and it could have been better. The general caustic nature of the narrative with all the cursing kind of makes the story less fun. There's a time and a place for having sex with horses, and unless you've got some supercharged plot twist, it could easily have been left out. As it stands, this story was just okay. That's a shame, because of how well it was written and the potential within the text. 

That being said, it's a lot of content for the word count and I enjoyed reading it.



[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Lasm’s scores]

*
"A Dog-Eared Page"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

Overall  the even, calm tone here seems to effectively communicate the idea of  extended mourning, and I liked this very understated portrayal of a  father’s grief. Some of the images are very nice; lines that  particularly struck me were the "bent, razor-edged perspective of  after", the “polygons of April sunlight”.

I  like the idea of the extended simile with the paintings in a gallery,  especially if the idea is that the character is some sort of art  enthusiast (though this characterization could be carried through better  in his TV choices, the dinner, etc.). I got distracted by some of the  associations you made, though-- “vague and nondescript as a framed motel  landscape" is very good, for example, but I wouldn't describe a Kinkade  that way, those things are all bright and garish. Wasn’t sure I’d  associate Matisse with “amber warmth” either. The Seurat one was good,  though.

I  would have liked some clear indication, even a very small one, of how  the son died. Maybe the road sign is supposed to indicate a car  accident? I'm not sure. In the line where you say, "his son had already  been dead for four hours", you could include some telling detail about  the son's corpse. Was his neck broken, his skull smashed? Alcohol or  some other drug in his blood? While you’re going for understated, I  think you need to give us a big painful stab of intensity in order to  maximize the impact, and a brief but brutal image or statement could  work well right here.

SPaG  is mostly plain and clean, except the title of a TV show,  _Survivor_, should be italicized. The half-point off is for  plainness, though.


*
"Lilium" 
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Overall: 10*

I  gotta be honest, this was kind of a flop with me. There is a certain  beauty to the image of a man grieving in a field of lilies, and maybe a  poem could succeed on the image alone. But from a prose perspective, we  need more concrete information. I don’t know what happened to Lily or  why Grey thinks he’s at fault. We know that Lily was beautiful and  smiles kindly, and Grey is sad and loves her, but that’s all we know  about them as people. So there’s a lot of declared emotion in this  story, but without any foundation for it in character or context, I’m  left cold. Rachel interested me more than Grey or Lily, I think because I  know what her problem is and something of how she’s dealing with it, so  she has some definition.

Tone:  I’d suggest trying to avoid clichés and overwrought language: “What  fresh torture was this” “sank to his knees” “Hot tears rolled down cold  cheeks” “heartbreaking” “each word drove a spike through his heart”  “what his heart begged to say” “She smiled. Lily smiled [...] The love  of his life was smiling [...] It was that kind smile” etc. Understated  emotion is often more effective.

The SPaG here is pretty competent, but a couple style issues I noticed:

_Always she was gone as he turned, returned to the corner of his eye once more. _
Because  of the proximity to “he turned”, it seems as though the subject of the  verb “returned” is also “he”-- “and she returned” would be clearer.

_the woman he could only catch glimpses of _
Many  people think it’s fine to end a sentence with a preposition, but to me  it generally (there are exceptions) looks very sloppy and works well  only in a deliberately informal, conversational style. So: “of whom he  could only catch glimpses”.

Okay,  so this was a somewhat harsh review. I think the biggest thing to take  away from it, other than that I am a terrible person, is that you need  to work on building strong characters, with specific problems and  personalities, in order to evoke strong emotions in your reader.


*
"Shelter" 
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9.5
Overall: 17.5*

This  was a very enjoyable little story. The gestural language of the two  principals was fun and worked well for the most part (though when  Blink-nod disagrees with Two-blinks, it’s not clear why, how or if she  indicated this). I wished for a little more clarity about what sorts of  creatures those two were--they have hands, so they seem like they may be  human, but since they’re living inside some kind of dead shark and  don’t have a spoken language, perhaps they’re a bit more exotic. Their  scent-appreciation standards must differ significantly. So a bit of  description of the characters might have helped.

Tone  is even and overall good, a rather detached narrator--the emotion here  is a muted sort of sadness and anxiety. Reminded me vaguely of Rosny the  elder. Half point off for the rather cliché “shadow of its former self”  line. 

SPaG issues:
_vertebrate_ refers to a creature with a spine. The bones of the spine are _vertebrae. _This occurs twice so it’s not a typo.
_she gestured to toward _-- obvious little editing flub
_Scratch-knocks mouth / Scratch-knocks insides_ -- missing apostrophes for possessives.

I’ll  note that in some other entries where the writer did not avail  him/herself of the full word allotment, I felt that much was missing,  but here I did not feel there was some huge missed opportunity for which  you could have used the extra 150 words, other than, as I said, a  little more description of these beings. So, cool that you managed to  create something original and creative that was also quite complete and  satisfying in ~500. 


*
"Postscript, after the row" 
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

Letters  are difficult, I think, because they must read authentic, like one  person writing to another, while still conveying sufficient information  and closure to constitute a satisfying story for a reader outside of  that relationship. Here, the big problem I see is that the first few  paragraphs are mostly dedicated to Mel’s parents. This means we do not  immediately learn what the relationship between the writer and the  recipient is, nor what the problem between them is. The names Mel and  Andy are somewhat androgynous; I thought maybe they were cousins.  Further, up until the fourth paragraph, we don’t know anything about  what the letter is trying to accomplish, the announcement of the  pregnancy. So I think if you moved the “You snapped my head off” lines,  if not this whole paragraph, up to the beginning, that would help your  reader a great deal: I’d know it’s a man writing to his wife, that  they’ve had an argument, and that he’s trying to comfort her and  persuade her to tell her parents about the baby. 

Tone  was decent, felt like an intimate correspondence, and I can forgive a  bit of mushiness in a husband writing to his wife. However, I found the  repetition of her name toward the end grating. In a letter with a single  addressee, there is really no reason to use a name four times.
You use a lot of commas, some of which are not necessary, such as these bolded ones:
_it was okay for us to be happy*,* even amongst all that sorrow.__
Being a grandmother will help her, being a mother will help you and*,* being
a family will help me.
I sometimes*,* almost*,* seem to envy your misery_
All these commas give the voice a sort of hesitant, gushy quality for me. I’d suggesting cutting them where possible.

SPaG notes:
A postscript is the little note you write _after_ a letter. Not the letter, but the PS.
_you never gave me the chance: For me, with you Mel,_ -- no cap after the colon
Though  I complain about too many commas above, you do generally need commas  around terms of address, so you would add the bolded comma in situations  like this (and in the above sentence, too):
_I do not want you to understand*,* Mel,_

But  this was a decent read overall, and the situation, once it became  clear, is a compelling and realistic one. A bit of reorganization and  focus would improve this a great deal.



*"If You Get Born Into This World, You Will Die."**
SPaG: 3.5
Tone: 4.5
Effect: 4
Total: 12*

The  writing is mostly pretty decent and I think you set the scene very  well. The description of the cathedral and the puddle of blood, the  sounds of the storm, the shoes, and the cigarette being lit, these are  all nice, very cinematic.

SPaG:
compound  modifiers should generally be hyphenated, i.e. "slow-moving puddle"  "stiletto-heeled shoes" "stocking-clad legs". The hyphenation of  “sheer-black” is questionable to my mind, as these seem to me like two  separate attributes of the stockings--really they are sheer _and_ black--but I guess it’s debatable.
The  comma between "sheer-black" and "stocking[-]clad" implies it is the  legs rather than the stockings that are “sheer-black”. Suggestion: “at  the ends of legs clad in sheer black stockings.” 
"side-split  pencil skirt" should be "side-slit" if you mean it's a sexy skirt with a  slit in the side. If you mean Sexy Legs busted a seam while stabbing  bad mans or just due to recent weight gain or whatever, then "split" is  correct.

-   My first gripe is that your title and first line set up the  expectation  of a death, and then there is no death. So these little  noirish  pop-philosophy statements about dying are not really relevant  to the  scene that follows. 

- Second gripe: I’m not a big stickler about this, but I do like to see an entry relate to the prompt in _some_   way. This guy isn’t having a good day, it’s not his last day, there’s   no indication if this moment is some sort of rupture in his life (maybe   he does this daily, how would I know?) so... I see no connection. 

- Third, most significant gripe: The characters and the story are both   so thin. We know nothing about the POV character, just a “he” with a   left ear. Sexy Legs is about on par with a Bond villainess for   characterization: stockings, cigarette, accent, knife. And what   happened? Why is he there? Maybe he deserved whatever was done to him.   Who knows? This isn’t a story, is what I’m saying. It’s like a clip in a   preview. I need more than this. _We_   need more than this. Dear anonymous writer, hold my hand, rest your   head on my shoulder, tell me why the man is bleeding on the cathedral   floor and we will get through it together.


*
"First Bad Day"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall: 16*

This  one was interesting, bit of a puzzle trying to figure out what was  going on. So this guy’s made a deal with the devil to go back in time  and not date the violent redhead, but he always dates her anyway in an  effort to preserve Lucas, who I gather is his son. I rather wish it were  just straight time travel, without the devil complicating things--seems  to introduce a bunch of logic questions, like why would they keep  sending him back when they’ve already got his soul? Why is the blonde  (apparently an employee of the devil) nervous? Why does she shed the  tear? What does she care if he’s successful? But overall I enjoyed this.

As  far as the writing I thought you could work a little harder; it’s  competent, consistent, gets the job done, but it’s not very interesting.  I’d look especially at the verbs, stuff like “takes” “pulls”  “turns”--you could probably find something more expressive. I’d also  think about reducing your stage directions in the dialogue--the turns  and pauses, the speech tags, a lot of this could be cut without loss of  effect.

Only  SPaG error I noticed is that “zinfandel” should not be capitalized  (it’s a grape variety, not a brand or region). However, some indication  of time would really help here. You’re using font to distinguish the two  time frames, present at the party in straight text, the contract  signing in italics. I’d suggest putting the “current” events at the  party in present tense, the contract scene in past tense. This allows  your reader to see the temporal relationship between the two scenes  immediately, and avoid confusion.


*
"Horizontal Slice"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8.5
Overall: 18*


Having  trouble with this one. On the one hand it strikes me as very competent.  I get a good sense of character from the narration, from his(?)  thoughts about and reactions to the people around him, especially Pink  and Blue; Blue’s dialogue and actions convey a great deal of information  about her, too. Brown’s and Red’s are less interesting, felt like  filler; you could probably paraphrase without great loss. In a short  piece, there is a need for focus, whether on character or situation, and  I would spend more time on the three characters who are most important  here.  

The  wider situation seems intentionally vague, given the insistence on  pseudonyms, and my guess (based on the “two weeks dry” and the  anonymity) is that this is a group of kids in some kind of rehab  facility, but I’m not entirely sure (and if it’s rehab, it’s rather  poorly run if the kids can get beer and stay out all night). Or they  could be at camp or in a summer program. Description of the scene in the  barn is very good, though.

I  liked Green’s speech about his last good day and its connection to his  present feeling of belonging that will also disappear with the dawn.  Seems like that idea of temporary community may be at the center of this  piece overall, in which case maybe the love triangle is receiving a  little too much emphasis, overshadowing the point.

I  guess maybe it’s this confusion that makes me feel rather ambivalent  about this story. Maybe too much is withheld, and I don’t quite know  why. I looked up the title in an effort to understand--a cross section,  apparently (lots of pictures of brains  ), but a cross-section of  what? Of Green’s time in this place, of Green’s life in general? Or a  badminton move, I suppose there’s the back-and-forth of conversation?  Maybe if I knew more about badminton, I would totally GET IT and think  this is perfect?

No  SPaG problems that I noticed, no fireworks either. Tone is consistent  and good, no problems with the writing; dialogue is generally quite  excellent, which is especially difficult, I think, when the characters  themselves are trying to be profound. So overall this is a good piece of  writing, even very good, I just need a little more clarity and focus.

[*]*
"Summer Love’n"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall: 15.5*

We’ll start with SPaG because your title contains an error. _Lovin’_ is how you abbreviate _loving. Love’n_ would be for an abbreviation of _and, _as in _love’n’stuff._
Missing  commas with the dialogue tags: _“I’m sorry*,*” I said_ and  _“I wouldn’t miss it for the world*,*" she said._ Also missing  cap on the W: _I joked anyway, “well, I asked four_. Aside from  that you were pretty good.

Tone  was okay for the most part, the vocab could be more interesting in  general. A couple lines of dialogue felt a bit off to me, a little  stilted. Like “‘soon you’ll be taken away from me’”--something odd about  the passive voice here; or when the boy says, ““You need to quit  harping on about things’”--that’s kinda harsh, no? something a teenager  says to his mother to be a snot, not to a girl he wants to kiss; “Let’s  enjoy the time we have together [...] We’ll have the memories [...]”  sounds so scripted, like it’s from a soap opera almost. And just doesn’t  sound like teenagers, which I assume these are.

You  could work on the description a bit more, in addition to the language.  You do a little with the lake; might be nice to work with the sounds and  smells more, the feeling of the air. That said, this was a sweet little  story about kids kissing. Nice to read something a little lighter amid  all the death and drama, and I did like the final dialogue, which was  humorous and read more authentic than the preceding. I wonder if it  might not be worthwhile, should you revise, to just cut the less-fun  early part and focus on this moment by the lake, which seems like the  better part of the story to me.

[*]*
"The Marvelous Monday of Marcus Shunt"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9.5
Overall: 19*

This  is a very fun entry, I really enjoyed the conceit of this storyteller  who would like to tell a happy story but alas, cannot, for the facts  themselves are dire. Although maybe just a tad over the top at times,  such as with the “Happiest Man on Earth” thing. And it’s nicely ironic  because, of course, nobody bothers to tell stories about _good_  days, not unless something awful happens afterward. We love telling  stories about murder and mayhem, and the happy times are generally just  the before and after (what’s the old Tolstoy quote? “All happy families resemble one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”).  So this is an interesting commentary on storytelling in general as well  as an interesting way to tell us what did and did not happen to Marcus  Shunt.

SPaG,  oh boy was this a fun one for SPaG. All kinds of verb tenses, tons of  conditional phrases, even some subjunctive! My little grammar-teacher  heart is bursting with pride for you. There’s one pluperfect that I  think should be simple past (“that today he had come home from work”)  but you know, it’s debatable. A+ for verb tenses!

And yet--what’s this? I don’t think you should cap “Fairy Tale” or “Household” in “Shunt Household”. 
Also, I’m not a stickler about split infinitives, but in this case:
_attempting to feverishly and hopelessly clean the blood off_.
it would make more sense if “feverishly and hopelessly” modified “attempting” rather than “to clean”.
Last  time I judged I gave someone a pass on a little detail like this, and  he complained. I will not do you that disservice. You might even be the  same guy for all I know. So, much as it pains me after all that verb  fun, I subtract a half-point.

But thanks for a fun and clever little read.

[*]*
"Abdul" 
Spelling/Grammar: 1
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 4
Overall: 8.5*

Highly  problematic SPaG, so let’s deal with that first. First and foremost,  you move between present and past tense, which is very confusing for  your reader. For example:_He  shut his eyes to soak in the serene surroundings and starts humming an  old kashmiri folk song. _ -- “He shut” is past tense, “starts” is  present tense. These two actions should be in the same tense if they are  happening at the same time. 

Compounding  the problem is that you have a present moment (Abdul sitting on the  hill) and a past moment (the day the residents of the town started  leaving). So here is what you need to do, consistently:
- Actions of Abdul in the present, on the hill (in both paragraphs 1 & 2): present tense
- Departures from village, Abdul’s decision to stay, prior to the moment on the hill: past tense
- Actions preceding the departure or non-departure: pluperfect

You’re having some punctuation problems around dialogue:
_muttered to himself “The last good day!”_ -- need comma after “himself”
_channel reports a news flash “Today_-- colon after “news flash”
_either army will catch you or the militants!”. _ -- no period, the exclamation point closes the sentence.

I am pleased to say that your spelling is fine.

Some  people can ignore SPaG errors and enjoy the story regardless, and  frankly I am not one of them. But I’m trying to see past them this once.  The descriptions of the landscape are pretty nice. The idea is all  right, the story of the old man who stays alone in his village despite  the war and ironically gets killed when he’s finally convinced to take  refuge--that part is interesting. The reader’s emotional investment goes  to this character in a difficult situation, though, so the switch to  the frame narrative with children watching TV is disappointing and  confusing, because now the person has been dead twenty  years and we’re being provided with a rather lame and irrelevant moral  to the story. So my advice is: a) work on your grammar, and b) focus on  character.

[*]*
"Paradise"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6
Overall: 13.5*

A couple small SPaG issues first: “I like yours better too.” You need a comma before “too”.
Compound modifiers should generally be hyphenated: “shabby-looking” “rocket-propelled”
More  a style problem: try to avoid repetitive structures like in that first  line: “The heat *of the* sun scorched the leaves *of the* palm  trees and chased away most signs *of* life” would be better as  “The sun scorched the palm trees and chased away most signs of life”. A  first line especially needs to be tight.

The  main action is told so very plainly. This contrasts with the beginning  scene, which is relatively detailed and descriptive: the dust under the  narrator’s feet, the heat, the narrator’s thoughts and reactions, this  little conversation. Then you’ve got this battle scene and everything is  related too quickly, like a blow-by-blow without any description or  emotion. I realize you’re trying to convey a lot in few words (and it  might help to cut down on the quantity of action in favor of quality),  but better verb choices could help a lot (in the place of “appeared”  “hit” etc.). You’ve got a lot of passive voice, too: “Everyone inside  was killed” “our driver was shot” “our gunner was killed” etc. This  could be so much more exciting--what did it look like when the driver  was shot? How did his body move, what did he do? What did the narrator  actually see and hear? How did he feel? I think this is an instance when  more showing is needed versus telling.

It  gets a bit better when you return to Grady, but the final lines feel  very action-movie, very pat and predictable. Left me feeling like you  killed the poor guy for the punch line. 

Overall, a good effort, but try to punch up the vocabulary, give us some excitement--not just the facts.


[*]*
"Time, Like A Present"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 16.5*

Some  good phrases in here: “his look glimmered mischief” “his voice ambled  in the background” were stand-outs. I enjoyed this quite a bit, felt  drawn along by the old guy’s story, and the narrator’s interest and  observations were engaging as well. But then I got to the end, and, like  the narrator, I felt myself at a bit of a loss. Unlike the narrator, I  did not figure out what the old guy meant, or the connection between his  “Good day” to a guy at the bus stop and Cassie’s “Good day” to her  paramour, assuming that’s who’s being quoted in the first line. Perhaps  it was a connection between Cassie and Charnie, a reference to the  narrator’s love? I’ve read this a couple times now and still am missing  the point, and since I’m generally no stupider than average, I think you  need to make this a bit clearer.

SPaG:
_a message from Charnie_ -- missing period
_laying  across the seat_ -- “to lay” is a transitive verb that needs an  object (I lay my towel on the beach, I lay me down). What you want here  is “lying,” which is intransitive (I lie down).
You need to work on your dialogue punctuation, I’m afraid, especially when you’re using actions instead of speech tags.
_“We  caught him,” he nodded satisfaction, “I ended up_ -- “he nodded” is  not a speech tag, so it needs to be its own sentence: “We caught him.”  He nodded satisfaction. “I ended up [...]” You’ve got a couple sentences  like this.
_“Bank  robbery,” he chuckled, “Wrong man,_ -- this one’s debatable, as some  people do use words like “chuckled” “laughed” etc. in place of “said.”  But there should definitely be a period after “chuckled”.

A good, pleasant, and low-key story, and I liked it.

[*]*
“The Last Good Day”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17*

A  quite poignant portrayal of a parent’s loss of a child. I wanted to say  “a father” but then I realized I wasn’t sure, so maybe it would be  worth giving the narrator a bit more definition. Thought the  second-to-last paragraph was particularly affecting, the concrete detail  of the son’s hand framing the narrator’s thoughts. Throughout, the  emotion reads compelling and authentic, and overall I enjoyed this.

Felt  a little confused about the shift to present tense in the final  paragraph, though it is not incorrect. I think if you had set this up in  the first paragraph (maybe “Last night the doctor said it was time”),  then this temporal framework would be established right away and the  return to the present would not be so jarring.

The voice is fairly consistent and understated, which I liked, but there were a few sentences that struck me the wrong way:
_Fear was the one thing the disease couldn't control him with any longer. _
Awkward  sentence construction, I think it’s the preposition “with”. Maybe:  “Fear was the one thing the disease couldn’t use against him any  longer”?

_We fought so hard for more time but it's spent and I have to face the day without him. _
the “but it’s spent” is troublesome, maybe just a comma before “but” would slow down the sentence a bit

typo: _the decision to end my sons life _-- son’s

[*]*
"Love Me Not"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9.5
Overall: 18.5*

This  is well-done, a convincing portrayal of a woman undergoing routinized  marital rape. The writing is spare, very factual in its representation  of violence, effective in its imagery. Since I’ve lectured a couple  other writers here about the selection of more interesting verbs, I  wanted to note that you often do this well, such as in sentences like: _
His footsteps thud uneven and clumsy down the hallway, his arm sliding down the wall__ 
[...] his shadow swaying across the bed sheets._ 
Each  of the verbs here works well to help paint the picture, give us  information about the husband’s drunken state in addition to  representing his action. 

One  thing that struck me, and which I think mutes the emotion here: the  sentence structure is really repetitive, subject-verb up front almost  all the time. I wondered if maybe that were intentional, the repetitive  structure meant to represent that repetition of abuse. Intentional or  not, it started to wear on me. What I’d suggest is that you vary it in  the memory sequence in order to mark the difference--let the sentences  flow into each other, let them lengthen or fragment, mix them up a bit  more. Then when you return to the repetitive subject-verb construction  (“The job never came”), the change back to the awful routine of the  present will feel even more claustrophobic with the return to this  repetitive sentence structure.

SPaG:  Your SPaG is generally very clean and I appreciated that you worked  with two different moments and marked that correctly and smoothly with your verb tenses. Just a  couple nitpicky little things:
_I  know what’s coming. It’s the last one tonight._ -- Proximity of  “what’s” and “it’s” makes me think they’re referring to the same object,  when “it’s” actually refers to the bottle, if I am correct. You could  just reverse these clauses to avoid the problem.
_I  lay still,_ -- “to lay” is a transitive verb that needs an object (I  lay my towel on the beach, I lay me down). What you want here is “to  lie,” which is intransitive (“I lie still”).
_scared  and nervous._ redundant. Also, seems like she still gets nervous if  she’s crying in anticipation, as in the first paragraph.

I’m  not really a fan of this final line, the ambiguity and the ellipsis.  I’m trying to think why it bugs me. For one, maybe I just want more  finality. For another, I feel like this moment of vacillation shows the  narrator as weak. Up to this point, it felt like she had made a decision  to tolerate this man because, strange though it may seem, she still  loved him. That decision gave her a sort of strength for me, even as she  was being victimized. Maybe this would be more effective if her  decision, her contemplation of the shears, were featured more  prominently; then this would be the story of a woman’s choice not to  murder more than the story of her victimization.

But overall, a well-composed and thought-provoking piece of writing.



[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*A Dog Eared Page*
*SCORE: 18/20*

The tone is consistent throughout, a sort of resigned melancholy. Well evoked. The spelling/grammar was fine, I saw no nits.

It's a rather intriguing story but one that doesn't quite work for me. I think the coolness of the prose may have blunted the rather passionate central grief of your MC.  I do like how much character evocation you did in mostly visual terms, and find it a little odd on second read that amongst such eloquent visual descriptions you didn't include even a brief few words for the MC himself. This may very well have been an intentional (and quite valid) decision, but I was expecting it, and read it again directly after to make sure it hadn't slipped by me. 

I really feel this would make a terrific longer piece, so that your elegiac tone could deepen and develop, and perhaps progress to acceptance and healing -- or not, as your idea for the story might go.

All in all, a very good entry. Some beautiful visual imagery and an excellent use of the prompt. I just thought it missed a trick with the MC  -- perhaps something as simple as making a mirror one of the 'exhibits' and having a similar comparison to a painting or artistic style -- and that the tone you carefully achieved probably needs a little more room to really involve the reader. 


*Lilium*
*SCORE: 17.5/20*

A well written story, that finds its bittersweet tone and sticks with it. The only nits I caught were a missing 'a' or 'the' in le last sentence, and a misused dash that I think should be double. Nothing major!

You lose me somewhat on effect. I suspected that it was a dream sequence from the very beginning and was not surprised. Dream sequences can and are used effectively, but it's almost essential that the reader does not suspect.

The dialogue does it's job well -- it's unobtrusive and feels natural. But I must admit to being a little let down that there was no fundamental change to the story. And the very late (though understandable) introduction of Rachel, who instantly grabbed my sympathies, made just sort of dislike the MC a bit right at the end.

Overall, very good -- an enjoyable read, that  I think has to be the potential to a fantastic read!


*Shelter*
*SCORE: 20/20*

Well, this is just fantastic. Original, daring, and surprisingly emotional. I'm not sure if these are primitive humans, post-apocalyptic survivors, or aliens -- and it just doesn't matter. A fairly virtuoso turn at depicting a great deal of character and emotion with a very limited set of expositional tools.

I was recently noticing how fast a home ages -- ours is only a few years old and already it requires frequent maintenance. This story not only demonstrates the primal need for shelter, it speaks about the impermanence of shelter, and how time and elements reduce even the finest of homes. 

Can't give this less than...


*Postscript, after the row...*
*SCORE: 16/20*

I'm really torn on this one. I like  it a _lot_ for many reasons: it's meaningful and real, and it's sweet without being saccharine. Tone is fine, and I saw no spelling nits. The only grammar odds and ends were perfectly understandable in context: a personal letter, written from the heart, by someone who isn't an English teacher. 

In a way it's troubling to me because it does come off as a sincere letter written by a perfectly nice guy. It feels like I'm reading that, rather than a story. Epistolary narratives work, but, in almost every case I've though did so, it was an _exchange_ of letters. This strikes me as, in a way, one sided, especially since we've been introduced to Mel, and even made to worry about her a little.

But as I said, there's a lot to love here -- and I think two characters worth exploring.


*If You Get Born Into This World, You Will Die*
*Judge*

Well, got to admit, I don't quite get this one. It reads well, a nice hard-boiled line. I just have no clue who these people are or what exactly are they doing. Did The Legs (rather saucily described, by the way, nice terse but evocative description !) save the guy(?) from attackers or finish him off? 

I recently read a fantastic piece by a writer I really admire, and he stressed that every single scene should be concerned with the dramatic interactions of characters. He was referring to TV writing, and said that dramatists are not concerned with relating information in equal quantities with drama -- that the camera should be relaying information, rather than the actors. While there's a lot there for prose writers to think about, prose is fundamentally different in that we _have no camera_, so certain levels of information are pretty much fundamental. You had over 400 words to flesh this impressively odd and intriguing scene out, and I wish you'd used them.

Quite liked what there was of this, once again. Great voice and tone. The phonetic accent didn't quite work for me, but it wasn't so obtrusive it pulled me with the story, and I don't see a lot in the way of prompt use. 


*First Bad Day*
*SCORE: 20/20*

OK, quite frankly, this one just slams all the buttons for me: complete-unto-itself story, with a fantastic (and subverted) sense of closure. Beautifully twisted on a structural level, but _gently_ and into a sad sort of elegant shape. It's a fresh look at the 'sell your soul' trope combined with the more existential moments of _Groundhog Day_. I said recently that time-travel is a concept that I can't ever see  growing tired of, since it's such a beautiful, perfect metaphor for regret. This is almost a textbook example of that concept -- with the added level of the MC being willing to play out his regret again and again, literally suffering, in order to expunge an even deeper regret. Fantastic. It's that emotional core that makes the oddness of the structure worthwhile. 

Superb tone and voice, spelling and grammar taut and trim. Full marks, and well deserved!


*Horizontal Slice*
*SCORE: 16/20*

Things I like: the round robin nature of the story-telling, and that you got quite a bit of personality and character differences in very short pieces of dialogue. They all had their own distinctive voices, which I thought was especially resonant since they refer to each other by (I'm guessing) hair color. You were also able to set up a pretty clear hierarchy in a very short space. Great use of the prompt, as well.

But were they vampires or ghosts or something? The final moments (and the narrators own short speech) made me think 'maybe.' If so, I don't really see the point, since nothing really led or hinted that they were anything other than young people sneaking out and being a bit rebellious. I expected, and hoped, as I read that the upshot would be some subtle change in that hierarchy, a sort of understated example of how a few words can cause heavy changes, or something on that line.

And, to be honest, I don't get the title -- but I quite like it!


*Summer Love'n*
*SCORE: 17/20*

This was extremely sweet: there's something about innocent romance that just makes me smile. I can't abide reading the adult stuff, which is often quite cynical and distrustful in tone. While there's something magical and sincere about it instories like this.

Tone was consistent and I saw just a few nits: lack of a comma after "I'm sorry" in the second paragraph. I also personally think that your seventh and your last paragraphs could be broken up a bit to, I think, a better pace and an increase in clarity. Some of those moments need to stand out on the page to heighten their impact. 

The ending was a little disappointing to me.  It wasn't bad -- it retains that sweet tone that's really the stories reason to be. But I found myself wishing for a somewhat more profound realization for the character(s) -- even something as simple as a reiteration of the young man's thoughts about having their memories, and perhaps a hit that some things are more beautiful when brief and unique.

My main problem, though, is in the dialogue in the first section. Once again, it's not _bad_, actually, just somewhat perfunctory -- relaying information without giving us hints to the young man and ladies emotions and personalities. I mainly mention this because in the second section, you do that beautifully! The dialogue fairly sparkles with a humorous, but anxious edge. Those few lines endeared me to them totally!

Yet another one I think you'd benefit from expansion, and a careful dialogue polish that I'm certain you're perfectly able to do. Would love to see it if you do so!


*The Marvelous Monday Of Marcus Shunt*
*SCORE: 18/20*

This is very interesting as an experiment, using narrative obfuscation  both for humor and to set up an atmosphere of unreliability: the omniscient narrator so intent on assuring us of his reliability that we begin to distrust on the old 'doth protest too much' level. Haha. This sort of reminds me of what a Monty Python sketch in both it's humor and the use of prolonged description (that's a good thing in my book.)

The trouble for me is to know what your intent in the experiment was. Was that the ending of the story, the narrator actually having given the facts in the midst of those he would not be relating? Or were even the darker events obfuscation and the truth to be never know? Is this a section of a story that will later show both events were true in there own way? I can only judge as a reader. The 'only person in his life who'd ever been good to him' hints at a deeper, more interesting story.

Voice and tone were excellent, and you handled the un-spooling of the not-story and the story with aplomb. You sacrifice a little flow in service to that, but nothing major. I think some judicious breaking up of some of the longer sentences would fix that right up.


*Abdul*
*SCORE: 14/20*

A few nits: you switch tense after the first paragraph. "Lesser" should be "Less." "Hostage" should be "hostages".  I know 
I harp about this often, but the big block of text just ruins my reading experience.

All in all, I enjoyed this modern parable, and found great respect for Abdul, idealizing his principles and the worth of his word even to the threat of his life. You did a fine job, in such short space, of presenting the overview of this place (and the feeling he has for those who had to flee) in visual and emotional terms. The facts of the matter -- his occupation, the troubles he faces, the sad facts of refugees -- were all necessary, but I felt you could have gotten them across a bit more elegantly and unobtrusively.

I also felt that the paragraph reporting on his death should be moved a paragraph down. It jars a bit where it is at the moment I think.

Still, I think you have a lovely and quite moving story here that just needs to polishing. 


*Paradise*
*SCORE: 16/20*

Nicely constructed little was story: decent pace, action descriptions that don't go overboard, and a good sense of character with the narrator and Grady. I didn't catch any nits, and the tone was consistent and carefully maintained.

And I think that's my only real problem. You begin with a fantastic and believable mood that these guys are (though wary) pretty bored and annoyed about where they are. That's an excellent tone for the beginning. But when the action begins, you keep that tone which -- IMO -- is a mistake.  You could have dropped to shorter, harsher sentences, even made the descriptions of actions more confused and uncertain. 

I'd also have liked a bit more of the thoughts of the narrator. Grady's dying, I feel, should be mostly about his reaction. It's his head we've seen all this through after all. 

(Please take all suggestions as well intentioned and with a grain of salt! Just my opinion.  )


*Time, Like A Present. *
*SCORE: 18/20*

Very good flow, nice light tone and voice. Solid writing all around. Where this really shines is the characters: the elderly man is evoked in a charming, realistic way, and his younger audience is shown to be polite and truly interested in the stories of others so long as they're interesting. The conversation as a whole was interesting, enjoyable and a delight to read.

I'm not sure I quite get the ending though. Was the man's story intended to be advice to his listener? If so, perhaps a bit more info on his relationship with Charnie? Is Charnie a bf/gf? Have they had a tiff? Or was it just a suitably ambiguous ending to a slightly (enjoyably) ambiguous meeting? I'm not sure. But that isn't a huge deal. Really liked this one!


*The Last Good Day*
*SCORE: 17/20*

A very tough one to critique, since it's so obviously heart-felt and considered. I feel it may be just a bit too summarized, though it works in that style for the most part. I found myself wishing that you'd have brought back the lovely tree-climbing metaphor in his last moments. It's also pretty much a story you know how will end when you begin reading. And I could have wished for a bit more poetic language because in a story like this, it's quite often the aspect that turns dark and painful subject matter into a more uplifting and resonant work (which, I feel, you were genuinely going for.)

All those are fairly petty and minor complaints, and I like and respect your story very much.


*Love Me Not*
*SCORE: 14/20*

I guess I just have to admit that I don't care for this one much. It's solidly written and achieves an admirable tension. The MC is hugely sympathetic, and I as a reader truly worried for her. The idea that this is something that happens constantly to her is authentically infuriating and disturbing.

Where I think that this goes wrong is that we're given very little of the couples move from happy wedded bliss to this awful nightly ritual. Just a job loss and drinking turned him into a horrible abuser of someone who truly adores him? That makes the reader entirely on the side of our narrator slicing and dicing him to be honest, which leads me to another point:

I also must say that I don't care for the dichotomy this sets up: either suffer such humiliation of kill him. Now, there are narrative set-ups that would perfectly support that dramatic point -- but I'm not quite sure it's earned here. He could have her so utterly terrified that she literally feels trapped between those two opinions, but that doesn't quite come across. She could have a terrible family (both sides) who refused to believe even her quietest hints that such things were happening that made her psychologically unable to consider seeking outside help.

As it stands, this is mainly just something that makes me depressed with almost no deeper resonance, and I really don't think you were trying to accomplish that.

I think there's a longer, more nuanced, and much finer story here, and would love to see you produce it and share with us here. 


*Apathy
Judge Entry*

Really liked this one: Superb use of the prompt in a subtle way, very good voice and interesting characters all in a short piece. Saw a few nits -- varied uses of 'fuckin' and 'fucking' for example -- but nothing major or story hindering. I was a bit disappointed in the ending, because I was expecting some twist or comical point to stand the whole vignette on it's head, but it just sort of ends. Still, I'd like to read more about this bar and the customers.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Bazz Cargo’s scores]


*A Dog-Eared Page.
Total 17/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

'He picked up the book and turned to the last dog-eared page. It was just over half-way through the book.'
 this could do with a re-edit. It comes across a little repetitive. Otherwise the story reads very fluently.

* Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

A deep and sustained reverie, very sad but not overly melodramatic. Rock steady POV.

* Effect 8-10 points.*

Captures the scene extremely well. The first line could do with a stronger hook.

Review
A strong contender. Some nice touches, especially the art obsessiveness. I found this an easy read with a lot of  subdued emotional content. Very tight, no real waste of words. As flash fiction goes this was crafted perfectly. Something like this sticks in the memory.

Well impressed.
Bazz


*Lillium*
*Total 15/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

'Always she was gone as he turned, returned to the corner of his eye once more.' While there is nothing technically wrong, there are places where the prose is a bit clunky.

* Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

Stuck hard to the, rather maudlin,  character. Bang on POV.

*Effect | 7-10 points.*

Rather too melodramatic, and it was a bit statement after statement. 


Review
Don't let the mediocre score put you off, there is a lot to commend here. Good emotional content, nicely held details and the imagination that underpins the basic story is powerful.  A bit of polish and some depth of experience will soon push you up the leader table. One small tip, 'It's a dream' is not likely to endear you to a large percentage of readers.  

 I liked this a lot.
 Bazz

.
*Shelter
Total 19/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Considering the 'avant garde' construction, the story was remarkably easy to read.  

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

I struggled, initially, with the names, but once I had got used to them it was spot on.

*Effect | 9-10 points.*

Very close to perfect. I feel the story would be better as a novella, with room to add some dialogue and some peril. 

Review
This deserved a high score, it was innovative and interesting, if a little hamstrung by the 650 word count. I liked the incidental descriptions and the overall tone, like a documentary.  

You could give this a little time, then expand and rework it into something worth submitting for publication.

Excellent read
Bazz


*Postscript, After The Row.
Total 19/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

This is a tough one. As a story the writing is in serious need of some attention, yet as a letter it captures perfectly the style of someone who is writing as a stream of consciousness. 

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Bang on, I might even know who (Could have) wrote this.  

*Effect | 10-10 points.*

A difficult choice well made. Sacrificing good grammar for verisimilitude.  

Review
While this is very understated it hides a little gem. The way it is written coveys the emotion without melodrama, without stilting it up with accurate grammar and with a genuine voice. Knocked it out of the park.

Loved it
Bazz


*The First Bad Day
Total 17/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

While I cannot pick fault with the prose, it has a bit of discontinuity that left me lost here and there. 

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Bang on. Just the right balance of dialogue and thought.

*Effect 8-10 points.*

A good, imaginative piece. The strands of plot weave together very tightly. 

Review
There is a remarkable amount going on here. Family relations and regrets, neatly packed into an easy read. The emotions are kept buttoned up so they don't overwhelm the story. Very neat trick.

 I loved this
 Bazz


*Horizontal Slice.
Total 16/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

There are a few places where this gets a little clunky. 'We sit high in an old barn, abandoned. Rafters creak under our weight.' The clunky descriptive element comes across at odds with the smart-butt dialogue of the MC.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

It is hard to say why, but there was something that kept me from becoming involved with the story. Yet it is well constructed and easy to read.

*Effect 8-10 points.*

This probably needs a little time to rest before you return to give it a final polish.

Review
Bear in mind the reader will bring a lot of baggage to a story. In this case I can't help thinking of Reservoir Dogs.  The structure is sound, the little snippets of character interaction hint at a lot of stuff going on in-between the lines. This reads as a bit of something larger rather than a stand-alone flash. Maybe it could be worth pursuing.  

Good stuff
Bazz


*Summer Love'n.
Total 17/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

I let the 'wondering' go, it happens to the best of writers.  

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

12 Years old going on thirty. It works remarkably well.

* Effect |8-10 points.*

 A bit soapy but addictive just the same.

Review
A good, easy read. Likable characters with snappy dialogue and good descriptions. I'd like to meet them again.

 Very nice
 Bazz


*The Marvelous Monday Of Marcus Shunt.  
Total 19/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

Even with the MC talking directly  to me it still is an easy read.  

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Very clever use of  direct speech without adding dialogue. Neat trick.

*Effect 10-10 points.*

Review
A very good teaser. With a little re-jigging you could have a tasty, dark comedy, Noir on your hands. Easy to read, full of little touches that add texture and color.

Very good stuff
Bazz


*Paradise.
Total 20/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

Okay, so it is a little stabby, but it grabs from the get go.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Calm in the face of chaos and carnage, a good soldier.

*Effect 10-10 points.*


Review
A very good read. Not perfect, but well on the way to the beginning of a book.  

Very impressed.
Bazz


*Time, Like A Present.
Total 17/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

A little disjointed but not hard to read.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

The old man was very well drawn, Charnie's beau was a bit of a cypher, a lack of word space is the biggest culprit.

*Effect  8-10 points.*

An easy, interesting, read that leaves me with at least one question I want answered. It has been on my mind when I have have a quiet moment at work.

Review
Well written with excellent dialogue.  The opening line was fine. Good incidental detail. Always did like a penguin. The only ex-bank robber I know is smart but illiterate. This would make a good jumping off point for a novel.

 I loved this
 Bazz


*Love Me Not.
Total 18/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

'Sometimes I’d get angry and put up a fight. But anymore, I just let it happen.'
 A bit of a typo.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

Good, but a bit jerky in places. Possibly the effect you were after, but it comes across a bit too strong.

*Effect |9-10 points.*

This made me very angry. The subject and the way it was treated got right under my skin. Well done.

Review
While I cannot say I enjoyed this, I was knocked out by it. Very strong stuff that is treated with respect.  

 Stunning!
 Bazz


* Abdul
Total 17/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

'He had decided that he would patiently wait for that day.'  
 Without knowing who has written this, I would guess ESL? It is structured properly yet reads oddly.

 There are some tense shifts that work but stand out a bit too far. Like I can see the duck paddling which takes away the gracefulness of its swim.

* Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

The 'voice' of Abdul is warm and sympathetic to the geography and history that binds the story together.  

*Effect |8-10 points.*

A good, solid story which carries a punch beyond its weight.

Review
An easy, satisfying read that does have a few flaws. 'education in ‘madarsa’(Islamic school).'
 Madrasa?  

Inside a story I'm reading I find the writer's helpful aside of explanation a bit of a jar. If you doubt the reader has the knowledge to understand the detail, don't get carried away and bung it in. Think carefully about having a character do it for you. Or leave it out and subtly let the reader pick up some new information.

It also helps the reader if you format the print with some line breaks and divisions  between paragraphs and dialogue.

 There is a lot of potential here. The story is different enough to capture my attention. The writing is easy to read. And despite the lack of polish it pulled me in.

 Very well done
 Bazz


*The Last good Day.
Total 18/20*

Scoring is out of twenty. Scores are determined through three subcategories. The following information is strictly a guideline. The artistic judgment of reviewers is paramount.

*Spelling and Grammar | 0-5 points.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.*

There are a few tiny nits: 'my sons hand' There is a possessive apostrophe missing.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.*

Deeply emotional in a restrained way. I wonder if present tense might help.  

*Effect | 9-10 points.*

Possibly the tense made some of the writing a bit clunky. Maybe there is such a thing as too much precision.  

Review
This is a very good entry. A powerful story told well, easy to read and stays with me a long time afterwards. I just found it hard to get immersed.  

 A powerful contender.
 Bazz


*Apathy
Judge Entry*

*Spag 
                        5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.*

  Maybe a question mark short of perfection.

*Tone and Voice | 0-5 points.

      4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.*

  A tricky POV handled with style.

*  Effect | 9-10 points.*

  Startling, rather downbeat to the point just shy of maudlin.

Review.
Interesting  stylistically. A deep dive into how relationships work. The back-story  works well and the character's attitudes are excellently drawn. In  between the lines there is a small town USA  feel. Not for the first  time I feel an LM entry could easily form the jumping off point for a  larger work.

I liked this a lot.
Bazz



 General Note.
 I was intrigued by the idea of a blind LM. I wondered how the judges would cope. Now I know. In the past I have done my best not to allow the names of the contestants influence my opinions. Taking away that need has given me a new insight into how other writers  construct their stories. This has been a very rewarding experience, and I thank Fin for it.   

 One other thing, the quality of the writing is stunning. Each and everyone of the entrants should be justifiably proud of their work. All of you are winners. All of you have earned my respect.

 Bazz

[/spoiler2]


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## Jon M

*Lasm - Apathy*JudgeJudgeJudgeJudgeN/A

Doesn't look like this entry has been posted.


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## Fin

Jon M said:


> *Lasm - Apathy*JudgeJudgeJudgeJudgeN/A
> 
> Doesn't look like this entry has been posted.



It has been now. That's what the extra delay was about. I was stupid and completely looked over posting that one and thankfully the judges were fantastic and reviewed it for me after the fact.


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## Jon M

No biggie. Small mistake in light of all the good you do for these Litrary Manures.


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## Leyline

Congrats to Foxee, FleshEater, InkwellMachine and Dictarium!


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## J Anfinson

Congrats Dictarium!

And thank you, Judges. The critique is excellent, as always.


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## Pluralized

Congratulations to the winner and runners-up. Dictarium, very nice job; it's really nice to see you win this thing! 

All my speculation and guessin' were DEAD WRONG. I hope the blind challenge becomes the standard.

Thanks to Lasm and the fill-in judges, and big thanks to Fin for all his efforts.


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## popsprocket

Haha, oh god I knew that one would do badly. I kiiiiinnndaaaa borrowed the characters from some random, incomplete notes I had and although I was in love with it at first, I started to pick holes in it immediately after sending it off to Fin.

Thanks judges :thumbl:

One day I'll figure out how to write short fiction... probably...


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## shinyford

Congrats Dictarium, and thanks to the judges for useful critiques. On to the next one!


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## Foxee

Congrats to FleshEater, InkwellMachine, and Dictarium! Thank you, judges for taking the time to do a thorough job, really appreciate it.

Lasm, I have to disagree with your nitpick regarding 'lay'. I wanted the old man to sound like a product of this area, not a page of Strunk & White and in fiction it is perfectly acceptable for a character to say something that is less than grammatically correct. As for everything else, I agree and thank you for your crits.


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## FleshEater

Congratulations Dictarium! And, congratulations to all the runners up.

Thank you judges for all your time and effort!

Pluralized: I'm glad you enjoyed this. I didn't even consider the narrator being a man, but that would have made it much more interesting.

Bazz: I'm glad you hated this subject matter. It means I did something right! 

Lasm: You're spot on with the repetitiveness. I need to fix that. Your critiques are always in depth and thorough. Much appreciated. 

Leyline: I fully agree with you. It does need more. With what I had to work with, I didn't want to leave "the moment" for too long. Thank you for your honest critique. I wrote this on the last day of the competition, had I had more time, perhaps the payoff could have been more satisfying.


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## Terry D

Congratulations to all three well deserved winners. As always, thanks also to the judges for their time and well considered opinions. There were some powerful, and powerfully written, stories in this month's competition. I'm proud to have been involved.


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## Pennywise

A Big thank you to all the judges for the score and the critique. I am a month old in the forum and this was my first LM challenge. I think this is a great forum to hone up the skill and I appreciate the fact that each judge has done a thorough review, I hope to improve with every entry!! A big congrats to all the winners as well!!


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## spartan928

Congrat and thanks to the judges for their time and excellent critiques.

Plural - The piece was based on a true story of a close friend who lost his son. Appreciate the feedback and positive comments.

Las- Thank you for the in depth comments. I had the same reaction to those sentences after submission and leaving it lay for a few days. They jarred and I might have edited but I have a horrible habit of last minute submission cramming. Two days for a story to stew would be such a help, so I'm working on that. Thanks again for the helpful remarks.

Ley - Thanks for the comments. I'd taken a previous 350 word piece of flash and developed it for this, but I think it actually confused the story instead of making it blossom. Good lessons.

Bazz - I did struggle with the tense of this. Might have done done well to experiment with tense and see how that could have inspired me. I cobbled a nice short and it just didn't go together for me satisfactorily. Appreciate your positive and constructive comments.

Great reads top spotters.


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## Staff Deployment

Congrats to Foxee, Flesheater, Inkwell and Dictarium — especially Inkwell Machine, getting second place on the first attempt!

Good show all around by all involved.


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## Dictarium

Woah! And on my third go, too! Thanks to all the judges for their scores and for judging this whole thing and, as always, thanks to Fin for running the show.

I thought maybe the "gimmick" of the story would've run old after a while, but I s'pose it wasn't too annoying after all.

Pluralized: Thanks for the praise. And I s'pose I tried to ease off the over-the-top-ness of the story to a degree so that it wouldn't be too polarizing and I wouldn't end up with another sixteen-point-something through the law of averages. I agree, though, it probably could've been approved by going further in a few places.

Lasm: Thanks for the compliments on my grammaticals. I didn't even know I was using half the stuff you said I was. Pluper-what-nows? Hahaha. Either way, I'm glad I was docked a half-point for something dealing with wording, as it's something I still very much need to work on.

Leyline: I'm glad it wasn't taken too seriously or darkly. It wasn't meant to be too upsetting even though the whole story focused on how it was dark rather than light. Every time I shared it with my girlfriend during the editing process, she kept saying how "depressing and sad" it was and asked why I had to "kill that man". As for the inspiration for the story, it's not nearly as profound as you may think. I wrote it when I was fourteen when I was upset at my mom. "Howard Eli Richmond". H.E.R. I felt betrayed by my mom because of something that happened, so I wrote a story where H.E.R. stabbed someone with my initials in the back and just did it in a different sort of way. Sure, it may decrease the sophistication of the story, but it's how it came about.

Bazz Cargo: Thanks for the compliments on the way it was written. I took a leaf out of Lemony Snicket's book with the "dear reader", 2nd-person writing and when I went back to look at this now three-year-old story I added it in to see how it'd work, and I liked it a lot. I'm glad you liked it.


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## Lewdog

Congratulations to all the winners, especially Dictarium who made a huge leap from last month to this one.  I'd also like to thank the judges for their time.  Hopefully my piece brought back a little memory of your own from an innocent time in your childhood.  I continue to make mistakes that I shouldn't in my writing, and at this point I'm not sure if I'll ever get over the hump and put together something complete and worthwhile.  I guess only time will tell!


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## Staff Deployment

Plur: I think it was you who criticized one of my pieces in the workshop for being difficult to read and not flowing well, which is pleasantly surprising in light of your comments here. Very uplifting to see a change in that regard.

Lasm: The love triangle wasn't intended; guess it developed unconsciously. You're right that they're all at some sort of (extremely poorly run) rehab facility, and also that the vagueness is more important than the actual circumstances. As per the title — it refers to the fact that we only get an undetailed cross-section of each character, rather than a more in-depth "vertical slice" of just one or two characters. It's just a very brief slice of time.

George: Vampires? Ghosts!? Naw they're just 'normal' people sneaking out for a night. As for hierarchy — there actually was meant to be a subtle shift. Blue starts out with all the power but by the end it's Green who's mostly in control. But it is a very subtle shift and not one of the main things I was doing with the story.

Bazz: "This reads as something larger rather than a stand-alone flash." Heh, it was written in such a way to give that impression. That's why it's called Horizontal Slice; it's meant to feel like a cross-section of something with considerable more depth, even though the entire thing is perfectly self-contained. Then again, I do like Green's character so I may revisit elements of it sometime in the future, who knows.

As always, an immense thanks to all four of you for the hard work.


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## shinyford

So, now I'm wider awake than when I posted before... thanks again to the judges, and congrats to Dictarium.

Pluralized: thanks for the comments. If ever you have time - and please don't feel you have to - I'd really appreciate a little more information about the use of periods and commas in the dialogue. (Basically, in my head it works okay, so I'd like to understand what doesn't work so well for you.) Sorry to hear that the ending got a little lost - partly that could be down to the fact that I didn't differentiate time periods well enough, as per Lasm's comment.

Lasm: great feedback. The idea of the blonde woman (who in my head was the Devil herself, rather than a servant) was that she had an eternal role to play, but really hated what that meant she did to people. Hence she is deeply saddened at what she knows the man's signing of the contract will bring: the loss of Lucas his son. I guess she keeps taking him back to the start, each and every time he's made it to that bar twelve years later having failed to bring Lucas back, because of that guilt. But absolutely that side of things was left utterly unexplored, so in hindsight it's not surprising the logic wasn't clear. Also in hindsight, you're entirely right about the tenses. TBH that's how I originally wrote it - but it didn't feel right, and felt far better when both timeframes were written in the present tense. However, I think that was an indulgence too far; the past events should have obviously been past tense.

Leyline: wow! What can I say? You got everything I wanted this story to give, for which I am extremely grateful. Many, many thanks for the kind comments.

Bazz Cargo: again, thanks for the kind comments. Thanks also for noticing the 'buttoning up' of the emotions, which was an effect I was aiming for (also the reason for keeping the language simple, which Lasm picked up [probably quite rightly] as a negative).


Great learning experience here - and the first thing I've written in years that didn't involve a Time Lord. I feel I have taken a step. Many thanks again.


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## Pluralized

Hey Nic - There's nothing wrong with the way your dialogue is presented. It just came across as all being the same, i.e., "Speech speech speech," he said. "Speech." So the cadence was, boom boom boom, stop. Boom. Every time, and it stuck out for me. There's nothing necessarily wrong, and stylistically, I think there's license to do whatever you want in that regard. I'm sure someone here can chime in here more eloquently. On a quick perusal of a few books close at hand, I see it done both ways, though usually varied with more comma usage instead of the full-stop. Hope what I'm saying here makes sense; I must consume more caffeine now.  

Well done, sir. Your story had a great tone and was a joy to read.

Edit: And here was my 666th post. How fitting, eh? Lucifer, Inc., indeed. :devilish:


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## shinyford

Thanks Rob - that makes absolute sense, and I can see how the repetitiveness of that rhythm could jar. Many thanks - great feedback.


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## Gargh

Congratulations everyone! :star:

Judges, all, I appreciate your feedback .  This was a weird one for me. I baulked at the idea of writing a letter but it was the first time I felt one of these prompts take command of its own direction so I went with it. I love these challenges for that. I feel like I have more space to try different genres, devices etc. It is becoming clear, however, that Bazz is my target audience... now, if only I can find a way to replicate him several thousand (I'm not greedy!) times :scratch:


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## InkwellMachine

Well, this has been lovely. Truly, the entire process was thoroughly rewarding, from reading the other entrants' stories to writing my own. I even enjoyed waiting for the scores--nothing like some good anticipation/anxiety. Of course, the most exciting thing of all was entering this thread for the first time and seeing all the responses from the judges.

On that note, the judges deserve a bit of thanks. Pluralized, Lasm, Leyline, Bazz Cargo, I appreciate all the time and effort you put into making this thing happen, really I do. I'm not sure I have either the time or the gumption to read through fourteen entries and then respond to all of them within a relatively small bracket of time. And the quality of the responses, for the size of the task, was simply impressive. 

In return:

--*

1. If You Get Born Into This World, You Will Die.
**SPaG -- 4.5/5
**Tone/Voice -- 4/5
**Effect -- 6.5/10
Total -- 15

*This piece's greatest virtue is the imagery. That being said, there's only so much that imagery can do for a piece. The narrator's voice was sure and it was solid, but did very little to make me feel involved. Instead, it just felt like he was waxing poetic for an invisible audience. Perhaps spend more time focusing on the effect of events as opposed to their descriptions.

While the nothing about the SPaG was terribly concerning, there were a few places that bothered. For example, the line: _"The muted sounds of a storm outside the cathedral an aural backdrop to the end of a man's life"_ makes sense, but the syntax is off. We can assume that you're referring to "the muted sounds of a storm outside the cathedral" as "an aural backdrop," but what it looks like is three distinct subjects attributed indistinctly to something else.

Overall, it's certainly not bad, but it feels more like a visual tour than a story. Too much description, too few poignant connections.*

2. Apathy
**SPaG -- 4.5/5
**Tone/Voice -- 4.5/5
**Effect -- 9
Total -- 18

*The simplest way to put this is that I enjoyed reading it. It was easy. Fluid. Very few things broke my concentration on the characters and story. That's where you earn your merit in the "tone/voice" category--telling the entire thing in character and switching between Hank and the narrator worked like a charm. That being said, there were still a few places where I would have liked for the narration to be a bit more beige. I realize that the main character is a pretty apathetic fellow, but some of the most moving moments in writing occur when characters that we are familiar with _break_ character. I think it would have done you some good on this piece.

The spelling and grammar was actually pretty much spot-on, but there were a few places where the cadence bothered me. For instance, the very first line:_ "We come to this bar to drink, not to listen to Hank talk, but I guess that’s the price we pay, you and me and everybody else."_ It's got four commas at almost even intervals, so it sounds strangely rhythmic. It's off-putting for some reason. I also feel that the line:_ "But Charley he sees somethin, he startles up an the next thing I know’s I’m floatin up to the sky..."_ should have had a comma after the first two words. The reader's inflection should rise on "Charley" to indicate a subject change, and then there should be a breath to let them adjust. I realize you can do practically anything in dialogue, but I feel effect is ultimately more important than voice. 

Perhaps my favorite part of this piece was the casual reflection on an experience that should seem quite tragic. Excellent juxtaposition there, very effective. Especially the line where the narrator mentions what actually happened to Hank--the off-hand description of the incident.

--

Finally, Fin. Excellent job, old bean. It was a lot of fun, and we have you to thank for it.


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## bazz cargo

A BIG fat congratulations to the delicious Foxee, the effervescent  Flesheater, the butt-kicker Inkwellmachine and the valedictory  Dictarium.

Thanks to Fin for staging the bloodbath. A hi-five to my fellow judges. 

I realise my effort lacked a lot of the necessary, but  time was against me. It was originally going to be Noir II, but that would have flagged me up. 
It was an experiment in narration mostly. It really could have done with a proper edit. 

Lasm, you are the Bomb! 

Inkwellmachine, Very sharp and bang on.

Leyline, someone guessed my effort might be by you. Smugness overload!

Pluralized, you were closest to my scoring! Hi-five!

Superb quality judging.


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## Deleted member 49710

Congratulations to Dictarium, InkwellMachine, Flesheater and Foxee, and a big high five to all the entrants. I think we all learn a lot through this, including me whether I'm judging or entering or both. 

re: "Apathy"-- thanks to everybody for the feedback. With this one I was mostly trying to do a voice piece and then I liked the parallel between Hank's story and the narrator's situation, that they are both basically guys who've lost the exuberance of youth talking to strangers in a bar, and one because of brain damage and the other because that's just how things go. 

Pluralized, you're right about the horse line; I was going for a more shocking version of a  similar, common expression involving pooches; but it was probably over the top a bit. 

Leyline, I had some kind of complicated rationale about when to use which, I actually thought about it a bit (adjective or verb? before a vowel or a consonant? truly, it's amazing I get anything done at all). Should've just been consistent. And yeah, it does sorta just end, needs something to bring it full circle or get the point in a little more clearly.

Bazz, thank you for saying I'm the bomb, and for your nice comments on this story--was definitely going for a small town feel here.

InkwellMachine, good call on the cadence in that first line. I'm gonna differ with you on the comma, though, I don't hear the inflection going up there at all. Regional difference, maybe. But thanks for your feedback, you should try judging, you're obviously getting into practice for it. 

And a million thanks to Fin.


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