# A Short Lesson in Falling



## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

*Closed.  Thanks for all the input.*


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## VonBradstein (Nov 10, 2017)

A good poem with depth. I especially like this line "how every road - somehow lead to water - or sky". Simple yet evocative. Same with "short life - long lessons". I always enjoy the language of juxtaposing. 

I'm not as big a fan of the first two stanzas. The first its mainly just the "*Like Icarus out of the sun*". Icarus did not fall out of the sun, he fell from flying near to it. The language places him inside the sun. A big deal? No. However it is the first line and therefore needs to be perfect semantically and rhythmically. "Out of" doesn't slip gracefully from the tongue. I would prefer "*Like Icarus from the sun*". From indicates he fell more from its thrall as opposed to tumbling from the magma of the sun itself.

The second line is more abstract than the rest and I just don't care for 'passion of the ember'. I don't think of embers as being particularly passionate or impressive - they're rather small and insignificant. I think I get what you are saying about the spirit within an ember to _become _something bigger - which is a kind of passion for sure - but in any event I don't see anybody burning in embers. I see them burning in a swathe of flame, in an inferno, in a explosive ball of crimson. Not an ember.

 Also the general meaning of "You start to burn with the passion of an ember caught up in survival and blood" just doesn't make much sense. How exactly does one get '_caught up in blood_'? It seems like one of those lines where the word 'blood' is tacked on to the end because it is an evocative, visceral word that _tends to mean something symbolic _but in a poem that, again, is rather concrete and simply stated in every other verse this does not really gel. The poem as a whole is better than that stanza, which comes across as rather cheap and trying-too-hard to draw a breath of awe.

The rest of it - good. I appreciate the simplicity of the delivery and the complexity of the messaging. I appreciate what feels like a decent, original voice. 

Not a fan of the title. It reminds me of an album from some 2000's emo band. I'm really quite terrible at coming up with decent titles myself so I generally don't pay them much mind, but if you don't have an inspired choice don't try to be cute IMO. There's a book called "Lessons In Falling". Again not a big deal, I just felt the poem deserved something a bit more hard-hitting.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Thanks for reading the poem and commenting, VonB.  The blood line is enjambment and reads into the next line “and blood/thumping the back of your eye”. The enjambment gives it a double meaning as essential to survival.  Ultimately, though, it means the pulse is felt in the eye.

The first line is meant to give an image of something flying “out of the sun” in the sense that a viewer would be blinded by the sun when trying to focus on it.  Perhaps that’s not coming across. 

You make a good point about “the passion of an ember” perhaps not invoking the feeing of passion.  I’ll have to think about that. The idea is like a meteor in re-entry, but I thought meteor a bit over the top.

I had a fall at work three years ago this week, which broke my back.  I’m ok now, not 100%, but fortunate.  So the title has personal significance and was the initial spark for the poem.  For that reason,  I think I’ll keep it.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 10, 2017)

Ah okay, yeah I see the enjambment now. I think it threw me off because stanzas three to four do not seem to employ enjambment but there is no punctuation marking the end of the sentence. Also I just noticed but it should be 'every road somehow lead*s* to water or sky. Not 'every road somehow lead to water'

It's kind of a nice change to have a poem that is so well crafted one is reduced to typo nitpicking


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## dannyboy (Nov 10, 2017)

TL Murphy said:


> *A Short Lesson in Falling*
> 
> Like Icarus out of the sun  - like - is that the right word? - the rest of the image is as if I am seeing/watching Icarus fall (and so I have time to think etc) lit by the sun - am I mistaken here - is it Icarus who ponders better wax not the unknown watcher/me the reader?
> there is time to think
> ...


 - really like those last two lines - so given i wondered about hollow preceding not sure how it can be changed and these two excellent lines kept.


Good poem and thank for the read. I enjoyed the idea (as I read this poem) that we think we are invincible and then, through a simple event (or with Icarus not so simple) we realize we are not.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Ha! VB, that is a typo but not the one you think it is.  I had “leads” and removed the ‘s’ to make it past tense but forgot to remove the ‘a’. Duh.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Thanks for the read Dannyboy and an interesting comment on hollow.  I had to think about why I did that.  The repetition of ‘hollow’ implies an increasing lightness of being as one approaches imminent death. As if one were actually taking on the physical structure of birds. Unfortunately (or fortunately), there is no state light enough to escape death.

What do you think about substituting the word ‘light’ for the first ‘hollow’?
On second thought, that would throw the rhythm and the alliteration.


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## dannyboy (Nov 10, 2017)

is it a loss of density isn't it - rather than a hollowing out? So light works for me - or what about transparent ?

and how transparent
your bones have become

even less than transparent
as you kiss the ground.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Hmm, feels a bit telling.


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## jenthepen (Nov 10, 2017)

I read that first line completely differently from the way you meant it, TL. I had Icarus on the ground and literally _out of the sun_, that is, in the shade. This didn't change the understanding of the rest of the poem, as he took stock and thought about his mistakes. And I enjoyed the joke about the wax.

jen


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## dannyboy (Nov 10, 2017)

hence why you chose hollow - but in a real sense bones are hollow although i guess they are not because of the marrow - sorry just thinking this through...so yes you can say bones hollow out - losing their marrow?
I could be overthinking this....


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## sas (Nov 10, 2017)

Since we know each other, Murph, I'll suggest my very first thought. This poem shouldn't begin with a tired simile and with the overused Icarus. Just begin....

Out of the sun
there is time to think


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Jen, there is an archtypal image of horsemen, dragons, helicopters, flying out of the sun.  It's a horrowing image in a way.  In Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" there is a passage dedicated to the military stratagy of attacking with the sun at your back. So, the image of "coming out of the sun" should be one that is generally recognized.  My original version included the word "coming" but I cut it as it seemed overstated.

Sas, I don't think Icarus is a tired simile at all.  It's a classic theme. I picked up on it from Dannyboy's poem about Detalus.  Icarus sets the context of this poem whch speculates on his epiphany as he plummets to Earth.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Dannyboy, how about this:

how every road 
somehow led to water 
or sky
and how hollow
your bones have become

even transparent 
as you kiss the ground.


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## RHPeat (Nov 10, 2017)

Tim

What is the "Somehow"? if a road leads to water or sky, you've told us where the road is going as a given choice. So what's meant by the "Somehow?" It sounds like something has been edited. Is the word needed in the poem? if so what does "somehow" refer to within the given poem concerning roads and destinations? Is he unconscious or blind? 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Good point, Ron.  'Somehow' is a word that should be unpacked or dropped. 'Somehow', in this context,  means that roads _seem_ to lead to local destinations but if you follow them long enough, they lead to universal or cosmic destinations .  Not sure how to say that in two words or less.  But I'll think on it. Good eye.


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## Robbie (Nov 10, 2017)

Same with me Jenthepen.


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## Robbie (Nov 10, 2017)

good call.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 10, 2017)

Jen, based on your comment and VonB's I put the word "coming" back in the line.  I am satisfied with that resolution and I thank you for pointing out the confusion.


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## dannyboy (Nov 11, 2017)

I like the change though I did like the repeat of the word hollow.


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## sas (Nov 11, 2017)

Drop "even" from "even transparent"

it would require minimal change to lead in stanza


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## TL Murphy (Nov 11, 2017)

Looking at the changed penultimate line this morning, I’m not so happy with it.


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## Bloggsworth (Nov 11, 2017)

I am in possession of a blue pencil, and I intend to use it as I feel that a good poem can be made better by the addition of concision, a touch oxymoronic I know, but bear with me:

_An Icarus
coming from sun
time to think
about mistakes,
better wax.

Burning with the passion
of re-entry
caught up in survival, blood

thumping back of eye
taking in
a short life
and it's long lesson

of how every road
led to water
or sky
and hollowness
of bone

even less than hollow
as you kiss the ground._

Feel free to ignore all my suggestions


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## sas (Nov 11, 2017)

Keep it simple:

how every road 
led to water 
or sky
how hollow bones
have become

transparent
as you kiss the ground.

 .


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