# Scores - "At Sea" (Literary Maneuvers May 2019)



## bdcharles (Jun 3, 2019)

Here they are. And it's close. No more than two points between any two entries. Let's look at the feedback.


[spoiler2=Candervalle]
bdcharles
“The Water-Heathens
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Review:

So I didn’t come  across anything that would knock points off for SPaG. I didn’t know if  “Catcher field” was a place so I didn’t know if ‘field’ should have been  capitalized or not, so I left it alone. The tone/voice is consistent  and strong. I imagined a scurvy afflicted Peter Falk narrating _The Princess Bride._ You cram several characters into a 650 word box with ease. 

Aside from Speets  and Smooke, the remaining characters are quickly dispatched and just as  quickly forgotten. I got the sense that them being discarded served to  intensify Speets’s lack of humanity and the growing tension between him  and Smooke. You do an excellent job of quickly fleshing out these minor  characters, but overall I felt like they took up too many words that  could’ve been used to focus on the main two characters. I feel like I  didn’t get enough time to know these two who seem to be complete  opposites but both survivors.

The amount of  detail in this story was a little overwhelming for me and at times I  felt confused about what was happening. I must admit I had a dictionary  riding shotgun with me for this one. That is not so much a critique on  the writer so much as it is a criticism of the writer of this review.  All in all, a strong story with colorful characters and decent tension  build for such a rigid word limit. It definitely makes full use of this  month’s prompt.

SueC
“The Nude Beach”
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

Review:

How awkward!  Security to the fifth floor. Alright, no SPaG issues that stood out. The  tone/voice is strong and consistent. First person was a good choice for  this story and you utilized it well. Your use of detail was effective. I  could feel that hot sand and that gentle, warm breeze that inhabits the  beach in the summer. I was there on the sand, wading out into the  water, and taking that breath before dipping those nether regions into  the cold water. Anyone who’s gone swimming knows that feeling, and you  were able to bring the reader there. I could hear the water lapping  against the boat and I know that serene and sleep inducing feeling it  brings. You twist at the end was humorous and I chuckled at the scene.  The only thing that threw me off a little bit was the seemingly lowkey  demeanor of the narrator’s coworker, Fred. Almost as if the narrator is  the Michael Scott of that office. I just imagined a coworker being a  little more in shock or awkward unless this is not abnormal behavior for  the narrator. You take on the prompt is clever and I like the  juxtaposition between the freedom of the sea and servitude of the  office.

Anyone who’s ever  been stuck in an office environment, this judge included, will know the  desire to escape and this story hits that nail on the head. A fun story  and great imagery. Well done.

Bardling
“A Pirate’s Tale”
Spelling and Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13

This sounds like a  solid pirate story with classic message. Be careful who you cross. I  noted just a few SPaG issues. The line, “tattered rusty black wings,”  should have had a comma between _tattered _and _rusty_.  The phrase, “gravely laugh,” gave me some pause. It just didn’t sound  right. I would have expected a “grave laugh,” or ‘laughed gravely.”  There wasn’t anything too jarring but those stood out. 

In terms of tone  and voice, it was mostly sound. The little intro at the top didn’t  really feel like it added much to the story aside from announcing, “This  is a pirate’s tale.” Perhaps it was foreshadowing that the story’s  principal character had become careless and is about to become victim of  his own hubris? Aside from that, the story followed a logical path that  was easy to follow. You took the prompt in strong and steady direction.

What suffered  here, for me, was a lack of dimension in principle character, Harris.  Quite a few words were used to describe him, but in the end, I didn’t  really get the sense of who he was. I almost felt like Big Tom’s  character was more alive although far fewer words were used to flesh him  out. I suspect this may be due to Big Tom’s character mostly being  shown through his actions as opposed to Harris, who is introduced to us  towards the beginning through somewhat of an info dump. All in all a  decent pirate tale with a satisfying ending. The bad guy gets it in the  end. Thank you.

velo
“The Mad Sailor’s Wife, a Fable” [judge’s entry]
Spelling and Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -
Overall: -

This is a  fascinating, tragic tale that feels like a well polished fable that has  been passed down by word of mouth for generations. No SPaG issues that I  could see. Poor Poppy. Your description of her situation reminded me of  Elisa in John Steinbeck’s “The Chrysanthemums.” I truly felt for her  even as she became as mad as her husband and even as she became a  monster. The imagery you provide pulled me into the scene and left me  thrilled at the conclusion. Definitely fits this month’s prompt. Thank  you for a most entertaining fable.

epimetheus
“Mental Oedema”
Spelling and Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

Review:

This was possibly  the most ambitious piece when it comes to the prompt. One doesn’t  immediately think of a hospital setting in correlation to this month’s  prompt. But, I have been in emergency rooms for work and I know it can  be like being adrift in a raging sea. As for SPaG issues, there were  only a few things that caused me to stumble a bit. The line,  “Approaching the nurses station: no one there.” seemed awkward. Towards  the end of the story, the word “relatives,” should have had an  apostrophe I believe.

The tone and  voice of the story was solid. The point where the story shifts to her  bleeding seemed to come out of nowhere, but I think it was an excellent  way to emphasize the demands of that job. My wife works in the medical  field and there are days where she will go 12 hours without having the  chance to use the restroom or eat something. It’s craziness and you  captured that insanity quite well. 

The interaction  between Mary and the relative was a bit of a let down. I had difficulty  pinpointing why I felt that way, but the best thing I could think of was  that the relative sounded like someone from a medical drama TV show.  Just a little scripted. The quote, “Tell me what happened!” is just  hanging out there all by its lonesome. I feel it may have been more  effective had it been paired with the line above about her face  contorting into feral angles. It was a little confusing with her being  the relative but then there was another relative. 

Overall it was a strong story with a unique take on the prompt. Thank you.

Rookish
“Expanse”
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

Review:

I didn’t catch  any SPaG issues. I had to reread some of the lines due to their archaic  nature, but that was intentional. As for tone and voice, I really liked  your choices. I enjoy the archaic style as it reminds me a bit of _The Iliad_  or of Shakespeare’s works. You tell an enthralling tale of a  post-apocalyptic future. Drifters traveling space, fleeing a dead planet  like shipwreck survivors. It was a strong and dependable take on this  month’s prompt. 

In terms of  effect, I wanted to keep reading through this story. Although the  general idea is not unique (what is anymore?), you have a good take on  it with your style. I would like to read more of this story. The only  thing that was left a little weak was the connection between the  survivors on the ships and Imarkh. Did he switch sides and escape the  planet or did he perish as an adversary to the old man? Of course, you  packed a lot into this story so the word limit fiend strikes again. An  enjoyable Sci-Fi story. Thank you.

luckyscars
“The Old Folks At Home”
Spelling and Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17

Review:

Just a couple of things for SPaG. I noticed that Carolyn is spelled with one _n _and sometimes with two of them. The sentence: “Arthur felt the soil beneath his battered sneakers, becoming a mass of rocks and roots, which then became sand.”[/FONT]  seemed a little awkward. I read it as Arthur was becoming a mass of  rocks and roots, which of course would be a whole other matter. Maybe  cutting out the commas would have made it more straightforward? 

As for  tone/voice, your piece was strong and I was able to tell who was talking  based off your choices of dialogue. The only part of the dialogue that  was a little odd was the first line from Carolyn. I had no idea he was  walking with someone else so the line, “Not tonight.” caught me off  guard. 

As for effect, I  think you hit it on the head. Clearly Arthur struggles with a decline in  cognition which is eluded to when Carolyn refers to him getting sick. I  imagined that Arthur struggles with Alzheimer’s or something equally  debilitating. I felt his confusion, frustration, fear and anger. You  balance his situation with steadfast Carolyn who is his rock. I really  felt this one as I had a relative who went through Alzheimer’s and saw  how he felt so alone and confused at times, as if everyone was  abandoning him. Just like Arthur seems to be frustrated that everyone  seems to know that his own son is leaving Earth forever and he’s the  last to know. The mixture of sadness with the calm reassurance of  Carolyn made this piece a memorable and enjoyable read. Thank you.

meegads
“Vermillion” [judge’s entry]
Spelling and Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -
Overall: -

Review:

Those are ugly  fish indeed. I can attest to that! No SPaG issues that I could find. I’m  not used to the third person present tense style. It reminds me of a  screenplay, but I got used to it within a few lines. I like the  wholesomeness of the boy’s experience. You threw out some good  foreshadowing breadcrumbs throughout the story that gave me the feeling  that this perfect day wouldn’t last. They were well-placed so that it  didn’t give away the ending. This was heartfelt story and it was a  smooth read. Thank you.

Fatclub
“At Sea”
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

Review:

This was a  delicious bit of humor that had me smiling and chuckling throughout the  story. I didn’t notice any SPaG issues. Tone and voice is displayed  primarily through the dialogue. I usually like to see more detail on  what’s going on around the dialogue, but it works here.

As for effect,  this piece was a joy to read. You have a clear setting, two memorable  characters, tension, stakes and a great conclusion. It’s all here. I  tried to find a way to ding you on not using more words since you were  barely over the 300 mark. In the end, I had to admit that it was  fantastic the way it is and adding to it might have done it an  injustice. Score one for the impudent little monkey. Thank you.

Godofwine
“Overboard”
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

Review:

Sometimes the  most harrowing stories are true events. Like yours for example. I  noticed what you shared in the coffee shop about this actually happening  to you. That is terrifying. I almost drown once while surfing, but I  could still see the shoreline and it was day. I can’t imagine being  faced with a wall of water in the blackness of night in the middle of  the sea. I’d probably need a double of whiskey and a new pair of  underwear. Were you guys out in the Caribbean?

I didn’t notice any SPaG issues. The only word that hung me up was _humongous_.  It was definitely a correct usage of that word, but it just seemed to  take a bit of seriousness out of the situation. I didn’t knock any  points on that as it’s correct and only a preference for me. As for  tone/voice I think your story could have been more powerful from a first  person perspective, but given that you actually experienced this  firsthand, maybe having that separation helped keep the story from being  a fact-to-fact recollection of events. The use of single line  paragraphs was a little much for me. They serve to build tension towards  the end of the story. I feel like using them sparingly towards the end  of the story would have served to really display the urgency of the  situation. I did like the use of the distance measurements. 20 feet. 10  feet. I felt tense while reading this portion. 

You managed to  get great action into this portion of the story. I happened to be`  laying down while reading this, but if I had been sitting, it would have  been on edge of that seat. Well done. Thank you for sharing this. I’d  be interested in how a first person version turns out.

Bard_Daniel
“At Sea”
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

Review:

Thankfully I  don’t have to fly anywhere soon. The worst thing about a plane crash,  besides dying, is the fact that you would have no control whatsoever.  Helplessness is a despicable condition. I didn’t notice any SPaG issues  here. As for tone/voice, it was consistent and understandable. The one  thing that seemed oddly placed was the description of the plane crash  after we discover he just survived the plane crash. It seems like  unnecessary information in the midst of a desperate struggle to survive.  I wonder how it would work if the first bit described the crash and the  blackout, which would lead into the next section. That’s just my  opinion though so take it for what it’s worth. 

I felt that this  story has the potential bring forth an emotional reaction from the  reader, but I found it be, well, somewhat bland. I don’t know if it’s  the banter between Amir and Mitch that seems out of context with their  current situation. I get that Mitch is not thinking straight, but I  didn’t really feel that from his behavior/dialogue. 

I think that Amir  knowing Mitch’s wife was dead from the beginning made that process  somewhat dragged out. I wonder if it would be a little more interesting  if the reader is made to think Mitch’s wife is just passed out, but Amir  realizes, to his horror, that she is staring through him with unseeing  eyes. Or something like that. Again, just my opinion on the matter so  again, grain of salt. 

I liked how you  brought in his memories of his family, specifically his father. Getting  back to one’s family is one of the greatest motivations to survive, so I  like how you compared Amir’s willingness to survive compared to  Mitch’s. Amir saw his family and focused on getting back to them. Mitch  could only dwell on the loss of his wife so much so that he gave up  knowing he had children also depending on him. That’s a bitter thing. 

Although I had  some gripes, I think you have a fleshed out character in Amir and I like  the general idea of the story. It has great potential for a smashing  short story. Thank you.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=meegads]
*bdcharles
“The Water-Heathens”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20 *

Review:

Really interesting theme!  A little dark and creepy, which is always a  hit with me.  Good job building tension within such a short word-count.  Some really great descriptors in there - “villainous couple”,
“petrochemical winter” for examples.  Consistent tone throughout.  There  was one paragraph that hit me a little awkward and I had to re-read it a  few times to really understand it, but overall this is an awesome  story!  Would definitely read a full novel about this. 


*SueC
“The Nude Beach”

SPaG: 4/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20*

Review:

Funny story!  Excellent daydream, minus the naked in public part lol.   Lots of great sensory images - warm sand, cold water, the freedom of  being naked like a child, feeling taller, more confident and more  attractive afterward.  I don’t always like “it was just a dream” stories  but the surprise ending made me laugh.  There was one small thing that I  noticed - “_struck_ my feet up on the bench” didn’t make much sense.  Was the word supposed to be _stuck_?  Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot.

*Bardling
“A Pirate’s Tale”

SPaG: 4/5
TaV: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20*

_Review:_

Not a bad story.  It’s tough to squeeze a lot of detail into a short  word-count.  The romantic allusion at the end is a nice touch.  Some  good descriptors here.  Didn’t really “grab” me but I liked it ok.


*velo
“The Mad Sailor’s Wife, a Fable” judge’s entry

SPaG: -
TaV: -
Effect: -
Overall: - *

Review:

Beautiful story!  A little creepy and sad.  Some very nice descriptive  language.  I love “watery lust and transcendence”, “shark-toothed  grimace”, “shriek of breakers shattering stone”.  I really like how she  becomes what she _thinks_ her husband wants...at a price.  Be careful what you wish for, indeed!  Really enjoyed this.

*epimetheus
“Mental Oedema”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20*

Review:

Interesting take on the subject matter.  Very engaging right from the  first line!  Some disturbing imagery but it lends itself well to the  story line.  Consistent tone and voice throughout.  Really enjoyed this!   NURSES ARE BADASSES.


*Rookish
“Expanse”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15/20*

Review:

Interesting concept.  The format just didn’t grab me I’m afraid - I see  where the author is going with this, but it just didn’t connect.  I  found the sentence structure a little choppy at times.  Spelling and  grammar are correct to the best of my knowledge.  It is creative and  unusual, so points for that.  Not a bad story overall.

*luckyscars
“The Old Folks At Home”

SPaG: 4/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20*

Review:

I like this take on the theme.  Well written and easy to read, though  there were a few instances where the spelling of a name changed - it  appears as “Carolyn” five times and “Carolynn” twice.  I like some of  the imagery - “strange and enormous birds”, “just another star in the  night”.  Nice way to show wanting your children to grow up and succeed  while regretting the distance (physical or otherwise) that comes with  letting go.  

*Candervalle
“Primogeniture” judge’s entry

SPaG: -
TaV: -
Effect: -
Overall: -*

Review:

Tone consistent but a little stagnant; sentence flow a tad choppy.  A  few minor grammatical errors.  A little curious what the “question”  Margery mentions is.  Not a bad story overall.  

*Godofwine
“Overboard”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20*

Review:

Really enjoyed this!  Good buildup of tension without overdoing it.   Found myself wondering whether he’d make it and rooting for the  character.  Consistent tone and voice throughout.  Well-written and easy  to read.  

*Bard_Daniel
“At Sea”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20*

Review:

Wow!  Beautiful story - it’s hard to create character development within  a short word count but this is great.  Mick’s devotion to his wife and  his insistence that “she’s sleeping” as the buzzards are circling just  broke my heart.  Amir’s emotions came across clearly with very little  description.  Easy, effortless read and very powerful.  Well done!
*Fatclub
“At Sea”

SPaG: 5/5
TaV: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20*

Review:

Unique take on the theme.  Very enjoyable!  I like the twist at the end.   Well-written, consistent tone throughout.  Nicely done.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=velo]
*The Water-Heathens, bdcharles

SpaG:4
TaV:3
Effect:5
Total:12
*
Unsure quite what this is, bd, tbh.  The plethora of names and proper  nouns was distracting.  At first I thought this might be in pre-Roman  Briton but clearly we end up in the modern world.  I feel like you were  trying to build tension but the presentation got in the way.  There were  a couple combinations of words like "drank Brent crude" that I didn't  quite understand.  

There was a curious and subtle hint at the fantastical (krakens,  sacrifices) that I liked, made me want to know more, but I'd like fewer  names/places, etc...I want to read a story not a setting.  

 
*The Nude Beach, SueC

SpaG: 4.5
TaV: 4
Effect:7
Total:15.5
*
"It was morning when a strange feeling had come over me at work. I felt I  just had to leave." Probably a dash, maybe a semicolon would have  worked better after 'work' as the second thought is a continuation of  the first. 

"That tentative moment, just before warm genitals are submerged into a cold body of water" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fU8U2C_L2WY

No major points to pick on other than the voice came across as a little  distant but otherwise solid.  I like this interpretation, being at sea  as an escape from the ennui of modern office life.  As a cube dweller, I  really connected with the fantasy of being anywhere else but at work.   There is also the idea that modern life will eventually bring us all to  the breaking point. I sometimes wonder how far away I am from that.....     

Nicely done.  If I had my druthers I'd like some more animation on the  part of the narrator's voice but overall this was quite good.  

 
*A Pirate’s Tale, Bardling

SpaG:4.5
TaV:3.5
Effect:5
Total:14
*
"The seas are dangerous, dark and deep, and much is hidden within them"   Very awkward punctuation.  I'd like and oxford before deep and a dash,  semi, or even full break instead if the second 'and.'  

"Knowing and doing are two different things, however."  Not a fan of  this mechanic.  It's an attempt at foreshadowing that I think it almost  always better left out.  It feels like the author is trying to force a  build up in tension rather than letting it happen organically.  

I didn't understand the final line.  Was the sea witch the captain's  love?  That doesn't make sense given the earlier description of how he  made his bargain with sacrifices.  Is the other ship his love?  Not  enough context to really understand, thus the ending falls a bit flat.  

I liked the take on the prompt, voice could have been a bit more salty  but that might have bordered on cliche so well done on that.  

 
*The Mad Sailor's Wife, a Fable, velo

No comment.  

*


 
*Mental Oedema, epimethus

SpaG: 5
TaV: 4.5
Effect:7
Total: 16.5
*

Well, there are opening phrases and then there are opening phrases.  You  definitely got my attention with that one.  ~squirms~  Though I'm  fairly sure suppositories are delivered with a single finger...a whole  hand up the butt is a different sort of activity.   

Not sure most readers will get "the resus patient," it's a bit jargony which is about the only TaV nit I can pick.  

Solid piece.  It was engaging enough that there was a noticeable amount  of tension build up and a relieved laugh at the final line.  Well done.   


 
*Expanse, Rookish

SpaG:3
TaV:3
Effect:4
Total:10
*

The dialect in the narrator's voice felt inconsistent and haphazard.  

Some really excellent descriptions- corpse queen, orgy of spiders, labmother.  

The set up of this main story being just that could have been pared down  into a single line.  Maybe something like "Rager closed his eyes and  stayed still for a long while before beginning his tale."  

This was a great take on the prompt that suffered from some very  noticeable mechanical and style issues.  I would honestly like to see  anther version.  

 
*The Old Folks at Home, luckyscars

SpaG: 3
TaV: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12
*

"Arthur felt the soil beneath his battered sneakers, becoming a mass of  rocks and roots, which then became sand." The verb  modification/punctuation is confusing, it reads like Arthur is becoming  rocks and roots or that there is active change happening.  

“That’s not what we raise kids for is it? So we can see them forever. We raise them to follow their dreams.” Very nice.  

This hits several themes, both topical and human condition, but didn't  really connect heavily with any of them. I felt like one of the  spectators vs a part of the story.    I hate to be so vague but I can't  place my reaction any more specifically than that- I wanted to be more  engaged.  

 
*Primogeniture, Candervalle

SpaG: -
TaV: -
Effect: -
Total: -
*

The mention of the location being in the Midwest felt a little too  expositinal.  The line about Jack living much closer to the sea than his  father felt sufficient for me re: setting.  

“You always had a penchant for wordplay.” Took me out of the story a  bit...seems a bit of a pedantic way to say that given the rest of the  characters' dialogue.  

Last line would be more effective if put in a stand alone paragraph.  

A nice vignette that doesn't get into the backstory much at all, which I  like.  This focuses on the moment and does a fair job in limited space  of capturing some of the family dynamic.  

 
*Vermillion, meegads  ((judge's entry))

SpaG:
TaV:
Effect:
Total:
*

The transition between the great day and the funeral was a bit fast and  there wasn't much there.  There was a lot of description early on that  could have been cut to use later and provide a smoother switch from past  to present.  

 
*At Sea, Fatclub

SpaG:4
TaV:3
Effect:4
Total: 11
*

I can be a stickler for accuracy so the entire premise is a challenge  for me.  Grimes' stance is not correct.  The question was how many  moons, not how many Galilean moons, so I don't believe Teller would have  submitted victory.  Grimes was merely being a smartass and I don't see  that was at all clever.  

 
*Overboard, godofwine

SpaG:4
TaV:3
Effect:4
Total: 11
*

Good accuracy on the layout of the _Estocin_.  But, again being a  stickler for accuracy, I have to ask why the lookouts were secured if  Evans didn't notice the weather was too bad to go out as he walked the  main passageway?  He should have been able to feel some pitch and roll  at least.  Also there would normally be an order issued to stay below  decks and egress points likely manned to warn sailors with lookouts  secures.  

Overall not much happened.  We know very little about Evans save a  couple data points, nothing at all about who he was going aft to see,  and it seems the most dynamic character is the wave.  

Side note- Navies are re-thinking the use of red lights at night-   https://www.passagemaker.com/technic...ntific-blunder

 
*At Sea, Bard_Daniel

SpaG:4
TaV:3.5
Effect:5
Total: 12.5
*

Some of the dialogue felt rather forced, most notably- “You’ll see the  unblemished flowers in bloom, the ones we planted before we left.  Wouldn’t that be nice, dear?”

There were many well-worn phrases that could have been cut or re-worked into something a bit more unique.

"'Where did you learn to talk like an Englishman?' Mick asked  innocently." This is such an obvious use of the phrase to indicate bias  the 'innocently' description doesn't hold water.   

A little trope-y with a smattering of racism, the ending was clear from early on.  
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=-xXx-]
bdcharles
The Water-Heathens
(649 words)

spag 5/5 word-frag ct/disregard
t&v 5/5 
effect 19/20

review:
title, attention getter
on theme, yes.
*historical context, transfer relevancy*
*mental wellness*
names, enhance
story arc, break down(s)
dialogue, embedded, enhances
sequence, linear

_Smooke and Speets were the only ones left, rattling around the metal halls of Catcher 3 like a villainous couple.

In Smooke’s dreams, Speets drank Brent crude and his skin shone like the barbaric flames of a petrochemical winter._

everything past this point_ is _tone, imho.
*solid* last paragraph.

-----

SueC
The Nude Beach
(word count - 646)

spag 5/5 
t&v 5/5 
effect: 17/20

review:
title, attention getter
on theme, yes.
reader connection, positive body image, general confidence
story arc, manifest imaginings-setting
dialogue, minimal, enhances
sequence, context swap
_
I felt several inches taller somehow and continued my walk where small waves washed my feet at every step.

Along the inner window of my office were the many faces of my  co-workers; some smiling, some frowning, some laughing as I confidently  stood before them._

-----

Bardling
A Pirate's Tale
(word count - 646)

spag 5/5 
t&v 5/5
effect: 17/20

review:
title, appropriate + identifier
on theme, yes.
reader connection, pirate/tale
story arc, power inversion
dialogue, significant
sequence, linear

_The little fool laughed. Laughed! Harris was amazed at his complete disregard of an agonizing death.

Harris and Tom stared in shock. Then the shouting started. 

“Where do you think you can run?” Harris roared angrily, “What good is revenge if you die too!”_

-----

-velo
The Mad Sailor's Wife, a Fable
(642w) *judge*
spag - 
t&v - 
effect: -

review:
title, appropriate + identifier
on theme, yes.
reader connection, fable (anthropomorph/maxim/intent device)
story arc, summary paragraph
dialogue, minimal/form
sequence, linear
name, one, focus

_Poppy sipped the water from the gnarled and shaking hands that  smelled of salt and decay. Though the brine burned her throat as whisky  taken too soon from the barrel, a deep chill entered her.

She rushed toward the ship calling his name, yet the sound she made was the shriek of breakers shattering stone. 

And so it is that to this day the mad sailor's wife wanders the sea  seeking the absolute love of those that sail over her realm, her  depthless need for adoration damning any that bend an ear to her  treacherous song...for none survive the harrowing love of a mermaid. _

-----

epimetheus
Mental Oedema
(word count - 650)

spag 5/5 
t&v 5/5 
effect: 17/20

review:
_word
nurses/nurses', both
In a teaching session just last week, it was reiterated how important  -were those- first few moments around the breaking of bad news._
title, interesting word choice
on theme, yes.
reader connection, several
story arc, emergency environs/care giver(s)
dialogue, embedded, enhances
sequence, linear, conveys complex environment

_The woman’s face was contorted at feral angles.

Her mind creaked; wood under the weight of an ocean._

--multiverse (diverse submissions to date)
intersection of contemporary concern(s)
bookending points

-----

rookish
Expanse (Contains Words)
(word count - 650)

spag 5/5 eterness/eternes
t&v 5/5 
effect: 18/20

review:
_*all your base are belong to us*_
title, witx2
on theme, yes.
reader connection, principal
story arc, ark
dialogue, scene appropriate
*sequence, nested, scenes w/ transition*

_-Those who are borne into the abyss can never stare into it -

Imarkh scratched his crotch out of boredom.

Rest is vital. 

For we be explorers._ 

*bookending points.*
name points.

-----

luckyscars
The Old Folks At Home
(word count - 648 )

spag 5/5 word wants pl. hibiscuses
t&v 5/5 
effect: 17/20

review:
title, truism
on theme, yes.
reader connection, several(ageism/parenting/dying town-exodus)
story arc, theory meets person
dialogue, embedded, carries arc
sequence, linear w/ pointers

_“Where do you think he got the idea from?” Carolyn giggled. A  sympathetic amusement, similar to when he spilled food on himself or  forgot how to tie his shoes. “That little toy Space Shuttle Enterprise  you gave him when he was a kid. I guess you don’t remember that either?”

“That’s not what we raise kids for is it? So we can see them forever. We  raise them to follow their dreams.” Carolynn wiped her nose with the  back of her hand. “Know who taught me that, Arthur?”
_

-----

-Candervalle
Primogeniture
(645w)* judge*

spag - 
t&v -
effect: -

review:
title, appropriate
on theme, yes.
reader connection, several
story arc, ref title
dialogue, embedded-clustered
*sequence, concurrency*

_Dad raised his eyebrows and smiled, something Jack hadn’t seen him do  in years. “You always had a penchant for wordplay.” Dad said. It was  the closest thing to a compliment his father had ever given him. They  sat and enjoyed each other’s company in silence.

After the last of the light faded, Dad cleared his throat and said,  “Well you better take us back in.” Not once in Jack’s life had his  father relinquished control of the boat. Jack took up the oars with  reverence.

The contact was surprising but not unwelcome._

*strong* final sentence.

-----

-meegads
vermillion
(648w) *judge
*
spag - 
t&v -
effect: -

review:
title, appropriate/vivid memory
on theme, yes.
reader connection, mortality-selective memory/romanticization
dialogue, embedded, minimal
sequence, rearview with now snap
_
Whatever his father was, however bad things got at the end, there is  this one precious, perfect memory to cling to. He is thankful for that._ 

-----

Fatclub
AT SEA
(648w)

spag 5/5 
t&v 5/5 
effect: 19/20

review:
title, appropriate + note
on theme, yes.
reader connection, relevancy
story arc, *inversion of power AS transfer relevancy* 
dialogue, principal
sequence, linear, *microcosmic
**names
*
_Everyone jolted in their seats as the door opened and Grimes entered with Master Teller’s cane.

“Yes, seventy-nine. But four Galilean moons, sir.”_

-----

Godofwine
Overboard
(650 w)

spag 5/5 
t&v 5/5
effect: 16/20

review:
title, appropriate
on theme, yes.
reader connection, ref story arc
story arc, invisible epic-auto-fic
dialogue, n/a
details, grounded reality
sequence, linear/urgent

i'm beginning to think auto-fic 
(not social narrative)is really difficult to write.
i will defer to a past velo comment paraphrased.
i see the setting.
i move through the progression of events.
the appropriate responses are procedural.
it captures report style like military/law enforcement, etc.
i relate to this piece, but the best i can offer for feedback
is to suggest looking at the internal workings
expressed in _At Sea/Bard_Daniel_.
would that work here?
april, _out of time_-it's almost all internal.

_Raindrops tore at his face. The pain doled out by the stinging drops  didn’t discourage him. His life was on the line. Pain could wait. 


He stretched out his arms for the hatch. The sound of the wave was  deafening. Like the Sirens Song, it called to him, but Evans ignored it  as his hands gripped the metal handle. _

-----

Bard_Daniel
At Sea
(650 w)

spag 5/5 word says you exceed count/disregard
t&v 5/5 
effect: 18/20

review:
title, appropriate
on theme, yes.
reader connection, *form/format
*story arc, forced decisions/disaster(urgency)
dialogue, minimal, distinct, scene appropriate
*sequence, nested/inversion*
details, grounded reality
bookending points
high impact conclusion as intro
soft land ending with echo
_
<entire first paragraph here>

Amir held onto the memory for survival, while his hands grasped the frayed wreckage of the wing.

Amir’s injuries were minor, but he was treated for shock._
[/spoiler2]

And here's a spreadsheet of it:



Title - AuthorCandervallemeegadsvelo-xXx-Totalbdcharles: The Water-Heathens1519121916.25SueC: The Nude Beach161715.51716.375Bardling: A Pirate's Tale1316141715velo: The Mad Sailor's Wife, a Fable (j/e)-----epimetheus: Mental Oedema141916.51716.625Rookish: Expanse1715101815Luckyscars: The Old Folks At Home1717121715.75meegads: Vermillion (j/e)-----Candervalle: Primogeniture (j/e)-----Fatclub: At Sea1919111917Godofwine: Overboard1719111615.75Bard_Daniel: At Sea142012.51816.125


Post it into the machine, and what have we got. We have, in first place:


...


...


...

It's:


*~At Sea~*
by 
*Fatclub*​

Followed closely by:

*Mental Oedema*
by 
*epimetheus*​

And:*The Nude Beach*
from 
*SueC*​


So - great job everyone, and major congrats to Fatclub on (what I believe is) your first LM win! :streamers: :claps and cheers: :circus acts: Plus well done to the runners up, epimetheus and SueC, and thank you to all the other entrants and judges all of whom combine to make this one slick piece of internet humachinery. Tutty-bye for now. See you in the June comp 


Oh: judges can PM me for your scores where available.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 3, 2019)

Yay! Congrats to all the winners- these entries were mean, lean machines! Rightly earned! 

Thank you to all the judges for your great work and comments too!


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## velo (Jun 3, 2019)

I had to do scores twice because I'm not very smart and didn't save the first round so some of the scores were a bit rushed.  I'd like to make a clarification to my review of Fatclub's story.  My last line was referring to Grimes, not the story itself.  Apologies if it came across that way.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 3, 2019)

I read about that in the coffee shop. That must've been tough doing the scores twice, but good on you! You still got them in right before the deadline.


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## Fatclub (Jun 3, 2019)

Thanks to the very generous judges.

I'm not sure it's a fair win because with so few words there's less chance of tripping up with the spag but I'll take the win with a grateful smile. If I was a judge I would have been _thinking_ about docking points for the lack of words. 

Well done SueC, my favourite story, just pipping velo's, in my opinion.

btw velo, as a pedant, there are also two moons, or ten or fifty - as long as you don't go over seventy-nine you're right. Maybe I should have used the spare words to clarify. My fault.

...till next time folks!


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## epimetheus (Jun 3, 2019)

Well done Fatclub. I think you've deserved a win since the 'moon landing' prompt (i would've scored it high).

Thanks to the judges again, always appreciated.

So, the biggest hang up for my entry was whether to use an apostrophe or not for 'nurses station'. Googled it and it seemed to vary a lot, so i went with what i remember from the wards. When it came to relatives room - i omitted the apostrophe to be consistent. I can't remember how the wards i worked it did it. Any general tips for dealing with these little frustrations?


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## velo (Jun 3, 2019)

That's a great question...is it a station for several nurse or is it the stations the nurses have a proprietary interest in?  I can see it both ways with equal clarity.


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## Fatclub (Jun 3, 2019)

epimetheus said:


> Well done Fatclub. I think you've deserved a win since the 'moon landing' prompt (i would've scored it high).
> 
> Thanks to the judges again, always appreciated.
> 
> So, the biggest hang [I keep reading 'hand up' ! ] up for my entry was whether to* use an apostrophe or not for 'nurses station'*.


Thanks very much for the comps.
I think Nurses Station, capitalised or nurses' station (possessive plural) or nurse's station (possessive singular). But I just re-read your story (great opening btw, that's how to get attention!) and would use the capitalised, reader-friendly, Nurses Station.


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## SueC (Jun 3, 2019)

Awesome showing, everyone. Such a fun prompt. Congrats to you FatClub!!!! We're all winners, it seems, but you are THE winner today 

Thank you, Judges, for another awesome review. Lot of work went into those and I know I'm not alone when I say thank you for your time, always so appreciated.


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## SueC (Jun 3, 2019)

> So, the biggest hang up for my entry was whether to use an apostrophe or not for 'nurses station'.



epi, I think it depends on whether it is possessive or a name of a place. If you said "nurse(s) station," as in what name they call that area where all the nurses hang out, or said "nurses' station" if you wanted to identify which station down the hall belonged (possessive) to nurses. Knit-picky for sure, but having said all that, I don't think it matters. Do what you think is right, and it probably is.


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## Candervalle (Jun 4, 2019)

Congratulations, Fatclub! And also congratulations to epimetheus and SueC! Also, thank you to bdcharles for navigating us through another LM. Good entries this month. I felt like everyone put hard work into coming up with a good story.


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## Arachne (Jun 4, 2019)

Hi all,

I missed all the action this time as I've been working like a maniac but I just had a quick look through the entries (loads of them this month, obviously a good prompt!) and am very impressed with the quality. Well done all. And congrats Fatclub; it was about time you had a win. Great story  'all at sea' was my first thought when I read the prompt.  

Arachne


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## godofwine (Jun 5, 2019)

Congratulations to the winners. Trying to compress a true life story into 1000 words was tough (which is what it was when I originally finished) but trying to shave off 350 words took away some of the punch. I probably should have used first person POV, but hey. 

Reliving that event was tough. It definitely increased my respect for the water. man is just walking shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.

As a writer, I can imagine and even vividly picture the difficulty of struggling to stay afloat in the middle of the ocean with no help coming. Maybe one day I'll publish the full story where I can explain in detail and not be confined to 650 words


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