# Two Weeks(Revised)



## garza (Jul 7, 2010)

*--- Newly revised version is below at post 13 ---*


'Two weeks is too long,' said Marty.

'Too long for what?' said his mother.

'Mr. Winstead announced a short-short story contest in English class Monday. 500 words max. We have two weeks.'

'That sounds fair.'

'Well it's not,' said Marty. 'Some of the kids love writing made-up stories. They have two weeks to choose what they want to write and polish it up so it's perfect. I've never been good at writing made-up stories. When I saw the words we had to use, I could only think of one story, so I went ahead and wrote it.'

'But you have the same two weeks to polish up your story,' said his mother. 

'I already turned it in. Mr. Winstead let me change a few words, but I would feel silly going back and saying I want to change it again. The future Faulkners and someday Steinbecks will do all their polishing before they turn in their stories.'

Marty finished his breakfast, took his plate to the sink, rinsed it, put it in the drying rack, and faced his mother. 

'500 words is so little, Mr. Winstead should have made that a one day assignment. Then we'd all be equal.'

'What words did you have to use?' 

'Strawberry, effusive, fuzzy, and charred.' 

'Well, that shouldn't be too difficult. What did you write?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

Marty picked up his backpack from a chair, pushed one arm through a strap, and headed for the door.

'You should use both straps, you know,' said his mother.

'Aw, mom, only geeks and girls and goners use both straps.'

Marty went out the back door, got his bike from beside the house, and headed down the driveway. His mother heard him shout to a neighbour as he reached the street.

'That child is so impatient,' thought his mother. 'Just like me.'

She stood for moment considering.

'Yeah,' she thought. 'Two weeks is too long.'


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## Mister URL (Jul 10, 2010)

_No SPaG problems, clear story. But what does it mean? Is it part of a larger piece? I didn't see anything that indicated the mother was impatient, maybe I missed some hidden nuance. The only thing I would change is this:_



> '500 words is so little, Mr. Winstead should have made that a one day  assignment.


_I think 'few' would be better than 'little'. Somehow 'little' seems to imply size rather than quantity. _


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## The Backward OX (Jul 10, 2010)

The logic that Marty uses in par.5 is flawed. In fact it’s barely logic at all, more a series of unconnected thoughts, and only qualifies due to use of the word ‘so’ in the final clause.

Anyway, if I was Marty, I’d ignore old Mr Winstead, sneak in the back way, and polish it up. I’m sure that’s what others would do, if they saw a need. 

What’s a goner, and how is it pronounced?


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## geminye (Jul 10, 2010)

garza,

In a piece so short, it is best not to duplicate words or phrases unless it is unavoidable, or if you are trying to make a point. You say, "made-up stories," twice. In addition, you should probably just say, "stories."


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## garza (Jul 12, 2010)

Hello from Punta Gorda, Toledo District, and thanks for the comments. I really didn't expect any real feedback on what I thought some might take to be a thinly veiled criticism of the current LM short-short story contest. Which it is.

All of you are perfectly correct, but Marty is about 13 so his way of thinking is not the same as ours. His logic is the logic of a teen-ager. Surely you remember? And I know I never gave his age, but he's riding a bike, carrying a book bag, has separate classes for different subjects, all of which would point to first form, 12 to 13 years old. But his age dosen't really matter. He's just a kid, so humour him.

But giving a longer time is very much a disadvantage, as I see it, for the writer inexperienced at writing fiction. Like Marty, the four words of the contest triggered a single idea, and I finished writing it in about ten minutes, then went back and changed about four words. Those of you who are experienced, published fiction writers will have many ideas and much time to polish one up to perfection.

I used 'made-up stories' because Marty probably would not say fiction, though we know he reads fiction by his literary allusions. But you are right that simply 'stories' in the second instance would have been stronger.

'Few' would be correct, but 'little' fits Marty and his way of thinking better. It's more natural. 

'Goner' is pronounced 'gone-er', as in one who is gone, a loser.


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## Kat (Jul 14, 2010)

Having second thoughts about your LM? It's all in fun, just an exercise. I don't recall there being a rule that says you can't change or edit it, you have until the deadline. 

Cute little piece. I probably would have put him at a bit younger than 13. Teenagers are more precocious now it seems. The logic and vocabulary I would have guessed 9 or 10. I know that my 12 year old would have said fiction. 

I cannot imagine any child saying Faulkner and Steinbeck. You really aren't reading them until much later, probably high school, unless you are in an advanced class. I would have guessed that a child would have used a popular author in their age bracket. Someone they actually read. 

And if they are reading them at that young of an age then why wouldn't they use the work fiction?


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## The Backward OX (Jul 14, 2010)

I think LaF may have done something to him in Workshop and put him off his stroke.


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## garza (Jul 14, 2010)

Kat - The question about editing a contest entry I've already asked and have been told I can edit all I want right up to the deadline. I did change a few words in an effort to strengthen the ending, but whether it helped or not I don't know. For good or bad, I consider 'Strawberries and Roses' finished.

Today is the first day I've been back in the Village with unimpeded access to the Internet. Night before last I was in a hotel way down south in Punta Gorda Town picking up the ghost of a signal from an Internet cafe across the street, so I wasn't able to do much. But now looking back at 'Two Weeks' I see Marty as a ten-year-old, as you say. I was reading Faulkner and Steinbeck at that age, but should I use, maybe, Albert Payson Terhune to make it more believable? By ten I had outgrown the dog stories, except those by Jack London which I still enjoy. 

I still have my badly worn first edition of 'The Portable Faulkner' which my grandfather bought in New Orleans when it was first published. Cowley must have been on a book signing tour, because that copy is autographed by him. That copy is locked away safely. I have a second edition, bought around 1970, also about worn out. I have no idea how many times I've read the whole work all the way through, or  how many times I've dipped in for favourite passages. All of Faulkner is on my shelf, but 'Portable' is turned to most often because every part is a bit of master work. My grandfather gave me his copy when I turned ten, then a few months later threatened to take it back if I didn't shut up about Faulkner. 

'The Grapes of Wrath' I read when I was about nine. I still consider it more a piece of juvenile fiction, which perhaps is responsible for its broad appeal. I've read it a couple of times as an adult, and found it very lightweight compared to such writers as Malraux, Faulkner, Joyce, or Camus, all favourites right through my teen years. That's just a personal opinion. 

Should I have Marty reading the same books I read at his age? I'm trying to think, and honestly cannot remember any popular juvenile fiction of the late '40s early '50s besides Terhune, who for a while when I was seven or eight was my favourite.

With everyone' permission, I hope, I'll do a rewrite taking your ideas into consideration. 

Remember, please, I'm not a fiction writer, but it is something I would like to be able to learn to do. 

The Backward Ox - Who is LaF?


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## The Backward OX (Jul 14, 2010)

garza said:


> The Backward Ox - Who is LaF?


*Like a Fox
*


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## garza (Jul 14, 2010)

The Backward Ox - How could I not have made that connection? 

I notice you are about to hit 10k. Do angels fly out of your ---- and birds sing when that happens?


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## The Backward OX (Jul 14, 2010)

garza said:


> The Backward Ox - How could I not have made that connection?
> 
> I notice you are about to hit 10k. Do angels fly out of your ---- and birds sing when that happens?


Not if _The_ _Powers That Be_ can prevent it.


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## garza (Jul 14, 2010)

The Backward Ox - Congratulations. When I grow up, I want to be just like you.


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## garza (Jul 16, 2010)

Here is a revised version taking into account all the comments I have received.

*Two Weeks*

'Two weeks is too long,' said Marty.

'Too long for what?' said his mother. She put his breakfast of refried beans, stewed chicken, and fry jack on the table.

'Mr. Winstead announced a short-short story contest in English class Monday,' said Marty. '500 words max. He gave the class two weeks to turn it in.' 

He doused his beans and chicken with pepper sauce. 'It's just not fair.'

'It sounds fair to me,' said his mother. 'Everybody has the same time to write a story.'

'Well it's not fair,' said Marty. 'Some of the kids love making up stories and they're good at it. They have two weeks to choose what they want to write and polish it up so it's perfect.' 

'You have the same two weeks to think up a good story,' said his mother. 'Can you write about anything you want to write about?'

'Yeah, but there are four words that we have to use in the story.'

'What words?'

'Strawberry, effusive, fuzzy, and charred.'

'Uh, wow,' said his mother. 'That might be hard to think up a story that uses all four of those.'

'I've never been good at making up stories, but when I saw those words, one story just sort of popped into my mind. I went ahead and wrote it but it's, like, really  lame.'

'Tell me about it, or let me read it. Maybe I can help.'

'We're not supposed to get help, said Marty. 'And besides, I already turned it in.' 

'Are you allowed to edit, you know, make changes in the story?'

Mr. Winstead already let me change a few words, but I would feel silly going back and saying I want to change it again. The kids in the class who are good at writing stories will do all their polishing before they turn them in.'

Marty finished his breakfast, took his plate to the sink, rinsed it, put it in the drying rack, and faced his mother. 

'500 words is such a little bit of writing. Mr. Winstead should have made that a one day assignment. Then we'd all be equal and no one would have much of a chance to get help.'

'Do you think any of the kids will cheat?' 

'You know Angél? His father writes news stories for the 'Reporter'. Another kid who moved here from Australia lives next to a man who writes books.'

'And you think they will get help?' said his mother.

'Maybe. I don't know. But I wish Mr. Winstead had made it like a pop quiz. You know. Here it is. Bang. It's over. That would have been fair.

'And maybe you are just too impatient. That's something I can understand.' She looked at Marty and grinned. 'Now that you've told me about it, I want the contest to be over so I can see what you wrote.'

Marty grinned back. 'See, I told you two weeks is too long.'

'Go to school.' She laughed.

Marty picked up his backpack from a chair, pushed one arm through a strap, and headed for the door.

'You should use both straps, you know,' said his mother.

'Aw, mom, only geeks and girls and goners use both straps.'

Marty went out the back door, got his bike from beside the house, headed down the driveway, and swung toward St. John's College as he reached Princess Margaret Drive.


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## Deleted member 14306 (Jul 17, 2010)

Not a bad attempt at a short movie of dialogue and family life, but I found this kind of corny to be honest. Judging this as a veiled criticism of LM I don't know why you'd make the effort - I don't see how this would solve anything in the slightest, but do you I guess.


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## garza (Jul 17, 2010)

Why should it have to solve anything? It's a bit of fluff meant to be taken lightly, but not too lightly.

I made the effort because, for my own satisfaction, I want to learn to write fiction.

Remember that while I've been writing professionally for over half a century, I'm not experienced at writing fiction. I'm starting with the most basic kind of fiction I can think of, and what I need are specific suggestions of the kind I got with the first version. All of those suggestions were incorporated, one way or another, in the revision. The hope was that the same people would come back and say whether the changes helped or hurt. That would tell me whether I'm on the right track.


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## The Backward OX (Jul 17, 2010)

There are apparently no simple observations about right tracks when it comes to writing fiction.

Three years ago I also decided, for the first time, to give it a go. It is such a complex process that I am only now starting to get my head around much of what makes up good writing. Then again, I’m a slow learner, maybe it’s only complex to me, and you might well pick a lot of it up in no time. 

Regarding this matter of complexity and my own original comment about logic, on a first read of your revision I thought, Yeah, he’s fixed it. Then I had another look and decided you hadn’t. Then I had a third thought. Maybe it’s only me, with my nitpicky ways, who would still see a flaw. Maybe most readers would happily swallow it, as is. Bottom line, both writing and reading are very subjective, and who’re we to say what makes good writing?

Some people will say that to be a successful fiction writer you have to be able to write a page-turner. But what a page-turner is to one person is not necessarily so to the next person. 

General advice for the future; keep an eye on point of view, and on making your characters come alive. There’s heaps of stuff out there on both.

Good luck.


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## garza (Jul 18, 2010)

The Backward Ox - I fixed the pov problem. If we are an objective observer, how can we suddenly see what Marty's mother is thinking? 

I've settled on 12 for Marty's age. He's in first form at Saint John's College where he does okay in his studies, plays football, and has fallen in love with Beth Richards, a Creole girl in his class. Though his mother has never expressed any racial prejudice in his presence, he is concerned about how she will accept Beth as a proper girlfriend for her blue-eyed, blond-haired little darlin'. I'm going to try to work some of this into the scene to, as you say, bring the characters to life.

Now as for the logic problem, that's going to be tough for me to fix because the way I had Marty express his feelings in the first version is exactly the way I felt when I read the rules, that this should have been a one-day exercise. I mean, gimme a break. I'm from Mississippi. It takes me 500 words to write a thank-you note for a paper clip.


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## Linton Robinson (Jul 18, 2010)

Jeez.
He's a kid (and not the most verbal of kids)   

It's a piece of flash fiction.  Why does it have to have all this bizarre WF context?   It's probably publishable. (The first version, that is...the revision is much weaker)

So.... trying your hand at fiction, garza?   And showing us why you don't normally do that?


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## garza (Jul 18, 2010)

Lin - The 'bizarre WF context' is there because it started as a fun sort of complaint about a 500 word word contest with a two-week deadline. Well, it drew some comments and suggestions, and I incorporated the suggestions in writing ver. 2.0, which has been upgraded to 2.1. 

There is a 3.0 beta version almost ready for release that introduces a girlfriend, the English teacher Robert Louis Winstead, and Marty's friend Justacio Cho, a Yucatec Mayan who can trace his ancestry back to the early days of the Caste Wars. I've thought of an added part describing his mother's torrid affair with the Zeta Water delivery guy while Marty is at school.  

Now tell me. As a successful writer and seller of fiction, what did I do to make 2.1 weaker then 1.0? I used all the suggestions made by the others, and, I believe, resolved the issues they raised. The only thing I can see that would have made it weaker would be the added length without an added action. If I know what made the difference, I can avoid the same problem in the future.

Yes, I'm trying my hand at fiction. And, yes, I suppose it's obvious why I've not written much fiction before. So why, you ask, does an old fart who's made a comfortable living all his life doing one thing suddenly want to do something altogether different? 

Well, the answer to that is simple. Senility is like puberty. It affects different people in different ways. In my case it, well, ah, what was the question?


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## darknite_johanne (Jul 18, 2010)

I think we should refrain from pre judging until the LM is over people.


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## garza (Jul 18, 2010)

darknite_johanne - No one is commenting on the story entered in the LM. That story is titled 'Strawberries and Roses'. This is an entirely different story and is, I believe, entirely eligible for comment, criticism, or to be fed to the turtle. I'm trying to learn to write fiction, so the comments are welcomed and useful.


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## The Backward OX (Jul 18, 2010)

Can someone please explain to this little black duck why it is that joining a forum immediately causes some people's IQs to plummet to minus figures?


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## Linton Robinson (Jul 18, 2010)

I could explain it, but you've been here so long your IQ has plummeted below the threshold of explanation.  There's kind of an event horizon before it collapses into a black hole.  Around 10,000 posts.  I've still got a couple more to go.


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## The Backward OX (Jul 18, 2010)

bleep


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## garza (Jul 18, 2010)

Uh, Ox? I think you said that already.


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## The Backward OX (Jul 18, 2010)

I think it's some form of site problem.


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## Baron (Jul 18, 2010)

The Backward OX said:


> I think it's some form of site problem.


 
Yes, but we still let you stay.


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## Kat (Jul 19, 2010)

I have to agree with lin, the second version is weaker. I don't think you needed to know what the child was eating. Also he lost his attitude. He was whining and complaining in the first story and in the second it just sounds like he's simply explaining things to his mother.


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## garza (Jul 20, 2010)

I think I'll feed this to the turtle and start something else. Marty was starting to get on my nerves. 

However, it has served a useful purpose in showing me what to meddle with and what to leave alone. Thanks for the comments.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 21, 2012)

Hi again,
I learned something from this. For all the complex and arcane rules that are held up to be worshipped, there is only one driving force. 'I want to tell you a story.'

Be it a small, family orientated funster or a whacking great 'Phineas Saves The World.' It helps, as you have owned up to, to have a message.

Thank you for the lesson.


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