# 19/08/11 - Food, Glorious Food! SCORES



## Hawke (Sep 19, 2011)

A huge thank you to our dear Like a Fox, Fuhrer, the judges, and everyone who entered! Thank you so much for the enjoyable reads!

Right. Let's get to it...



Rustgold - 17, 14, 12.5, 18 = 61.5 - Average = 15.375
Bazz cargo - 19, 11.5, 19, 19 = 68.5 - Average = 17.125
Ravensty - 15, 14, 16, 16 = 61 - Average = 15.25
BabaYaga - 19, 17, 15.5, 18 = 69.5 - Average = 17.375
DuKane - 19, 15, 11, 17 = 62 - Average = 15.5
Eluixa - 20, 15, 12.5, 17 = 64.5 - Average = 16.125
Anna Buttons - 19, 18, 17, 18 = 72 - Average = 18
Morc44u - 20, 12, 11.5, 16 = 59.5 - Average = 14.875



*First Place - Anna Buttons!*

*Second Place - BabaYaga!
*
*Third Place - Bazz Cargo!*


Congratulations to the winners and all of the entrants. Well done, everyone. 

Note: Any formatting problem in the following scores are completely my  fault. Or my computer's fault. Or the internet's fault. They are _not_ the judges fault. 

Also Note: If there are any errors or omissions, please PM me asap. Thank you.

***

_*AvA's Scores*_


*Rustgold - 14*

I thought you could have done more with the words at your disposal, but the concept you put forth was interesting. 

*
bazz cargo - 19*

I really loved this. Cleverly composed with a wicked ending. Some sentences would have been better if split into two, though.


*BabaYaga - 17*

A sweet story, and I enjoy your style of writing. There were some words  which I thought were better left out, but a nicely written nonetheless.


*DuKane - 15*

Food as explosives? That is an exciting as well as a dangerous thought.  But for me, it just lacked that something extra to compliment the idea.


*Eluixa - 15*

The way this was written made it slightly difficult for me, personally,  but not completely unreadable. On a more positive note, I absolutely  loved this line: _“Sharing a look of shock and confusion, and in  silent agreement, they wander outside, conspiring to rid themselves of  the travesty.__”_


*ravensty - 14*

I feel that this needed a bit more of an  explanation, like a motif. This might have been easier achieved if it  was written from a first person perspective. The style it was written in  was good but there was one scene that I didn’t quite understand. The  crying part, to be precise: _Júlia paused in her haste and peered out  through the window at a lowly black and white magpie who had perched  itself in the midst of a flurry of bare branches. A vision of true  melancholy, the sight caused tears to swell up behind her eyes._

*
Anne Buttons - 18*

Tiny hiccups aside, this was a great piece. I’m  amazed by how apt the title (and choice of food) is to the story. That  was great storytelling on your part.


*morc44u - 12*

Didn’t fit the theme for me, to be honest.  Decently written, but nearly 90% of the story was about hunting a bird  rather than eating it.

***

*moderan's Scores*


*Rustgold-Little Witches Cooking*

17 points

Interesting. I love that the tale is all told in dialogue. Some of said  dialogue strikes me as awkward, and there could be some changes in  emphasis by differing punctuation.


> “Food obviously.”
> 
> “You’re so bad Claire.”


 Need commas, for example
Good one, though. Enjoyed it.

*bazz cargo-the Ultimate Treat*

19 points

Reminiscent at once of The Restaurant at the end and Damon Knight's To  Serve Man. No spagnits, one misused word ("milieu" is used to mean  "myriad"). Effective. Ending not too telegraphed. Held my interest.

*Ravensty-The Paroxysm of a Hungarian Magpie*

15 points

I'm not sure that "clandestinely" is a word. Answers.com had it as one  when I googled, but that's the only one. I know what it means, but I  don't think that's the right word."Rescinded" is also used incorrectly.
Strange to say, but this piece is wordy. As a flash fic, it shouldn't  be. Terse is the order of the day. And the roundabout way of getting at  things doesn't help with the impact of the main event. She kills her  husband. I should feel something.
I don't really. The magpie is a nice touch.

*BabaYaga-Waiting for the Golden Pig*

19 points

Mmm. The Golden Pig. I'm a Bohemian on the paternal side. That means  something. So do the chicken feet. I can grok that immediate layer of  meaning, in other words.
I'm fairly sure that the word you wanted in the second paragraph was  "emigrated". I'd also lose the comma after "old" in the third. I didn't  see any other glaring spagnits. Next time, I want koprova.

*DuKane-Aunt Jemima*

19 points

That's quite a sense of humor you have there. Nice red herring buried in  that pancake along with the cap. I was waiting for a surfeit of baking  soda and vinegar in the recipe or something like that.
However as an illustration, Catch-22 style, of "military intelligence",  the tale works for me. Some minor spagnits-mostly punctuation. Well-done  overall.

*Eluixa-For Their Sake*

20 points

No spagnits that I can see. Well-edited and well-told story. You have a  sidelong way of looking at things that works very well with the type of  tales you like to tell. I enjoyed this one especially.
*
Anna Buttons-Sweet and Sour*

19 points

Hyphenation is the sole issue here. The tale is effective, competently  edited and written. There are times when another hyphen would be  necessary, especially in the opening:cheekky-grinned, starry-eyed, even  though that hyphenation would be awkward as there are already hyphenated  words in that sequence.
Choppy, awkward. Needs-fixing. Otherwise good, solid work. Fix that, you have a winnah.

*morc44u-Home Cooking*

20 points

Grabby opening. I'm not gonna penalize you a whole point for the lack of  a "c" in s"c"ent. Good story. Easy to follow, effective. Well-done. A  second perfect score in this competition.                         

***

_*TheFuhrer02's Scores*_


*Little Witches Cooking* by Rustgold

6/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *12.5/20*

So, if I read this correctly, this is about two sisters, or probably a  mother and a daughter sharing some time with each other while baking.  There's nothing wrong with SPaG, and everything looks fluid. Yet, it  didn't work really well for me. Something was lacking. Perhaps more  descriptions and less conversation or something, I don't know. It just  didn't have the "oomph" factor, I guess.

*The Ultimate Treat* by bazz cargo

5/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *11.5/20*

Despite the otherworldly background and the rather cool names of the  protagonist and his friend, I just can't seem to appreciate this piece.  Usually, and especially if I can ask the author, I ask the writer a  question: "What do you intend with this story?" and that question, I  give to you. Hope you oblige me.

*Waiting for the Golden Pig* by BabaYaga

7.5/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *15.5/20*

I have to admit, the first few paragraphs were a bit empty for me, but  when it came to the daughter stealing a potato, something immediately  caught me. The ending was spot-on, I believe, and this story definitely  put a smile on my face.

*Aunt Jemima* by DuKane

5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *11/20*

Somehow, I missed the humor. Sure, exploding food is funny, but the joke  lost the luster as I read on. The title was a mystery, too, and how it  managed to fit the story is something I haven't discovered yet.

*For Their Sake* by Eluixa

6/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 2.5/5 (Impact) = *12.5/20*

I've always liked my boiled eggs with mayonnaise, or salt. No, not both.  But vinegar? No wonder the guests hastily exited the place. Having said  that, I think your story was there, but it lacked a pinch of paprika,  if you catch my drift.

*The Paroxysms of a Hungarian Magpie* by Ravensty

8.5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *16/20*

Now that's a good read. When I first read the name Julia, my mind went,  "Oh, boy..." But then, it went to the vial, and my eyes grew wide.  Business picked up from that point. The clenched fist and the dagger  eyes held the suspense well, and the eerie silence between the two spoke  volumes about that which would happen next. And though the language was  a bit, should I say, archaic, I think it worked with this story. Cheers  to a well-penned entry.

And by the way, noticed a glitch: "...as she shuffled hurriedly _pass_ the table and into the narrow kitchen." I think that should be "past".

*Sweet and Sour* by Anna Buttons

9/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 4/5 (Impact) = *17/20*

Anna B, you never fail to amaze me with your short stories. And this  one, you certainly had me. The sweet and sour chicken held the story  quite well, and how dare that guitarist dump her for Belinda? Absurd! It  was her favorite dish! Life can be like that sometimes, huh? Sorry for  being carried away, but your story has indeed captured me from beginning  to end. And if I may add, the way you delivered the clincher was  spot-on. Very well done.

Oh, and just a thought: "What _so_ you want to do this weekend?" should have been "do", yes?

*Home Cooking* by morc44u

5.5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *11.5/20*

Good hunting, but not much food. It was as if the food was just a means  to get the story fit the theme. True, there's nothing against that, but  it would be preferred if the story did fit the theme.

***

_*Hawke's Scores*_

*
Rustgold - Little Witches Cooking - 18*
This was so darn adorably cute it made me smile along with the character. Nice. Good and Halloweeny, too. Super job. 
*

bazz cargo - The Ultimate Treat - 19 *
Nits: “diners on the ceiling’ part was the only thing that threw me a bit. I kept wondering how they’d eat; if their food would fall off their plates or maybe float away. 
Well now we know how they cultivate the plants! I really enjoyed this. Nice wording, humorous, and a super little twist. You really set the scene - I could pretty much see it all. Super work.


*BabaYaga - Waiting for the Golden Pig - 18*
Nits: determinedly tried; huge mouthful; swallowed heavily; stared fixedly—the extras could be cut out without changing the work. 
Wait. Is this tradition true? Just curious. And did he just think of his daughter as a pig? I’m teasing. I really liked it. Good stuff. 


*DuKane - Aunt Jemima - 17*
Nits: comma before and after Sir and Major titles; watch your dialogue tags—sometimes he/she said is enough; sometimes the action in a separate sentence is enough, too.  

I’ve never heard of HMX so of course I had to look it up. (I learn something new everyday!) Can you really cook with this stuff? Meh, I’ll take your word for it, for the story’s sake. Neat stuff. Wish there had been a little more of a story though, if you know what I mean. 


*Eluixa - For Their Sake - 17*
Ha! This happened to one of my sister’s—the stuffing lover. That cooled her stuffing stealing ways in a hurry. *grin* I liked this. Might want to consider lengthening out a few sentences to really put the reader there. 


*ravensty - The Paroxysm of a Hungarian Magpie - 16 *
Nit: “deposited” sounds almost cold/uncaring. Instead, perhaps “ladled”? Just a read suggestion: Next,; The onions,; Somewhat refocusing,; In time,; Behind Julia,; Clandestinely,; With a hoarse grunt, etc., etc. Perhaps try breaking up the short start sentences with a few longer ones that don’t have commas, otherwise the work starts sounding sing-songy (if you know what I mean). 

Just to say, Magpies around here are evil critters who think nothing of dive-bombing  you and your pets, and injure horses legs. They’re neat looking, but that’s about it. Good touch with this subject. It’s been done before, of course, but you handled it with a good touch.

*
Anna Buttons - Sweet and Sour - 18*
Bad, bad man. Excellent take on this. Funny how we associate sights, sounds and especially smells/taste to experiences, say, loving the smell of things like fresh-baked bread because of lazy summer mornings in childhood. I have mixed feelings about that smell now, now that my mom has passed… but anyway… Super job. Super read. Wish I hadn’t figured out the ending so early on. 


*morc44u - Home Cooking - 16*
That was a neat little read. Loved your dog tracking descriptions. Not sure if the first paragraph fit with the rest of the work, though. Glad to see that you’d entered, morc. Hope you continue doing so.


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## DuKane (Sep 19, 2011)

Congratulations to Anna, Baba and Bazz, good stories, well done!

Ava,
Believe it or not it is a true story. Well fiction based on fact. I think I understand your comments about it needed something extra. But anyway many thanks for your time and trouble.

Moderan,
Damn, I will sort out my punctuation! Didn't need the baking soda and vinegar as noted earlier this is based on true story. Glad you liked it and thanks for your time, trouble and feedback.

Fuhrer:
I think it must be an age, military or just my warped mind type of thing regarding the story.
Just for info: During WW2 spies or those behind enemy lines needed a means of openly transporting their explosives. HMX was disguised as packets of Aunt Jemima, the most popular American pancake mix. I just checked and I did include references to both the pancake and buckwheat flour mixes in the story. I thank you for your time and trouble.

Hawke,
Thanks for the heads-up with dialogue tags, agree he'/she said is quite often enough. Like Ava, i think I understand what you mean regarding more story. Glad that you are now a world authority on HMX, I don't feel so alone. Yes you can cook with this, the food looked, smelled and tasted as good as anything made with ordinary flour, though I wouldn't recommend eating a great deal of what is basically plastic explosive! Many thanks for your time trouble and feedback.

Once again congrats to all those who entered and my grateful thanks to all of the judges for their time and trouble.


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## Anna Buttons (Sep 19, 2011)

Thanks to all the judges for their effort and thoughts. I didn't have enough time to edit my entry properly before posting, so my apologies for the elementary oversights. 
Just out of curiosity, were the terms 'goon' or 'doona' lost on anyone? I am not sure if they are Aussie colloquialisms or not. (If so goon is cask wine and a doona is a quilt/blanket that has a cover.)

Bazz - You are probably right about the hyphens (I have never liked them for some unknown reason; I am very semicolon happy though). 

Fuhrer - Thanks for the charming comments and thanks for picking up the typo.

Hawke - I was a bit concerned the ending might be too obvious. I don't mind if people vaguely see it coming; I do mind if that's annoying for the reader though, any thoughts? Also, I think your bread memory sounds lovely. My sister died and I can't think of any specific smells I associate with her, and I kind of wish I could. 


Thanks again everyone.


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## BabaYaga (Sep 19, 2011)

Hi There,*

Much thanks to all of the judges for the time and effort invested in looking at our entries so*thoroughly. 

I had felt that the story was a little flowery with language, especially in the first couple of paragraphs which is what slowed it down. I had edited and re-edited it before stopping myself from going full OCD and just posting, but maybe another run through would have helped fix the unintentional spello and trim the fat from it a little*(if you'll pardon the horrible pun). Moderan, dill makes me gag, but if you want koprova, you got it *

Congrats to all the entrants, I thought there were a lot of excellent stories this go round. Anna, yours hurt my heart a little, which I guess was the point, and Bazz, I really liked your dark dinner in space, the end had me grinning and a little jealous that I didn't write it. Looking forward to the next one


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## Eluixa (Sep 19, 2011)

Congrats to Anna, BabaYaga and Bazz!
And thank you to the judges:
AvA, glad you liked that line, and I realize I can be a bit difficult to follow at times. Ever working on that.
Moderan, you are too good to me. Happy to see you are noticing a voice and liking it. 
Fuhrer, nice to know the story was more or less there. Another thing I am working on, cohesiveness. I'll see if I can spice up the next one I do.
And Hawke, I actually start my stories with these scary long run on sentences, and try later to break them up. I'll think more on that. Glad you enjoyed.


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## bazz cargo (Sep 19, 2011)

Congratulations to Anna, Baba, and ME!
Everyone that entered deserves a round of applause. There is some cracking stuff here.
Thank you judges. Bless you judges.

Fuhrer:


> "What do you intend with this story?"


This is a damn good question, and one that has an unsatisfactory answer, I meant to entertain. I have been through a stage of 'what the hell am I playing at?' and have come to the conclusion that not everyone is destined to write deep and meaningful stuff.

Moderan:


> "milieu" is used to mean  "myriad"


 The original draught had a sub-universe made of doorways. I think in this version a 'myriad' would have fitted better.

I was worried that HHGttU was going to come to the readers mind. 

AvA:


> Some sentences would have been better if split into two


Considering my lack of education, and the mighty hill I am climbing to acquire one now, this is high praise. Thank you.

Hawke:


> Nits: “diners on the ceiling’ part was the only thing that threw me a  bit. I kept wondering how they’d eat; if their food would fall off their  plates or maybe float away.


Centripetal force, or, if you prefer, artificial gravity. This sort of fits at the fantasy end of sci fi. Or vice versa.

Baba:
I is blushing.


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## moderan (Sep 19, 2011)

bazz cargo said:


> Congratulations to Anna, Baba, and ME!
> Everyone that entered deserves a round of applause. There is some cracking stuff here.
> Thank you judges. Bless you judges.
> 
> ...



Yah, I got that there was a piece on the cutting-room floor. "Milieu" would have been fine if you had gone that way. It reminded me a bit at that point of Lumley's House of Doors or maybe Anthony's Omnivore cycle (that last is more or less the original basis for Stargate).
"Hitchhiker" would of course come immediately to mind with the "restaurant", but that idea wasn't new to Adams either. There have been a few others over the years.
You should consider expanding the piece some. The fantasy wing of sf is fertile ground, or so it's said.


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## bazz cargo (Sep 19, 2011)

Moderan:


> You should consider expanding the piece some


I will scavenge back through the versions and hammer something together. You can never have enough food fights.

My, um, source for a door filled universe came from Monsters inc.

BTW, Anna is blaming me for some wise crack about a hyphen. You got away with that one!


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## moderan (Sep 19, 2011)

Never saw Monsters, Inc. And yes, I saw that too. Feel free to correct the error


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## bazz cargo (Sep 19, 2011)

S'okay, already left a note for Anna, so she will know who to take out the contract on.

If you ever do get round to seeing the film, you will see the connection. Over 99% of books, films and tv programmes mentioned to me are meaningless. I is illiterate and ignorant.

 And I'm still cartwheeling with joy at coming third.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Sep 19, 2011)

First off, I would like to congratulate all the participants, and of course, the winners, of this installment. Somehow, Anna B winning this one wasn't surprising for me. Once again, a great story you have there.

And to the other judges who took their time, thanks very much.

And of course to Hawke for setting up the thread. Cool banner. :thumbl:



DuKane said:


> Fuhrer:
> I think it must be an age, military or just my warped mind type of thing regarding the story.
> Just for info: During WW2 spies or those behind enemy lines needed a means of openly transporting their explosives. HMX was disguised as packets of Aunt Jemima, the most popular American pancake mix. I just checked and I did include references to both the pancake and buckwheat flour mixes in the story. I thank you for your time and trouble.



I see. Perhaps Aunt Jemima isn't popular here in the Philippines. I never actually encountered the term until now. Pardon my lack of research. I really thought Aunt Jemima was a reference to a person.

Again, my apologies. 



bazz cargo said:


> This is a damn good question, and one that has an unsatisfactory answer, I meant to entertain. I have been through a stage of 'what the hell am I playing at?' and have come to the conclusion that not everyone is destined to write deep and meaningful stuff.



I hope you were not offended by my question. I was indeed entertained by your story. The beginning worked great, with the scene like a mix of Monsters Inc and Gundam (you know, how they do those gatherings in space with their gowns and whatnot), but when it came to the eating part, it happened so fast that it felt too much of a DeusExMachina or a ShockingSwerve, which is a curious thing for me, and so it led me to asking the question.

Anyway, thanks for obliging me and I apologize if I came off terse and rude. 

On a parting note, I think your story would be better as a 1k-2k word short story. Expanding that story of your to foreshadow some events and give some sort of a Chekhov'sLecture would work really well. And if you do oblige this rather weird request of mine, I'll be sure to read it! 



bazz cargo said:


> Centripetal force, or, if you prefer, artificial gravity. This sort of fits at the fantasy end of sci fi. Or vice versa.



Artificial gravity would work better, most definitely. ^_^


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## Anna Buttons (Sep 19, 2011)

Sorrysorrysorry Bazz! The hit's been pulled. I got a bit muddled up, I was super sleepy when I wrote my response.


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## morc44u (Sep 20, 2011)

Great job to all! Congrats to the winners, and many thanks to the judges!  I really appreciate the time and effort you put in to reviewing these stories.


  AvA and Fuhrer

  The message I was trying to send with this story was that many people do not recognize the entire process of cooking a meal.   The act of cooking a hamburger does not begin when you throw some patties on the grill, it begins when the cow leaves the ranch for the slaughterhouse.  Ask a cave man how to cook a steak, and I bet he tells you that first you have to kill a Mammoth!    It appears I spent too many words on describing the hunt for this to come through.  Next time I will try to focus in on the theme in a more precise manner.


  Moderan

  Good catch on the mistake.  It amazes me that I can run spell check and re-read my story many times, and errors like this still get through!  Goes to show that you should always have some else help with proofing.


  Hawke

  I agree completely about the first paragraph.  I always have trouble starting a story.   This is what spilled out after repeatedly banging my head on the keyboard!


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## bazz cargo (Sep 20, 2011)

Anna:
If my mistakes were so simple, I would be rich, talented and dating Cameron Diaz. 

I am sorely jealous of your writing ability, thank God you are not perfect.

Fuhrer:
I didn't read anything but good will and puzzlement in your question. 

Thanks for the links. 

I have had a look at some of my earlier versions, and think I can make something interesting out of them. I am in the middle of something else at the moment, so it will take three or four weeks before anything will be posted.

The six-fifty word limit is both a blessing, teaching brevity, and a problem, squishing all the elements together kind of forces a writer to jettison explanations and truncates the action scenes. 

Ta for your input. I need all the help I can get.


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## alanmt (Sep 20, 2011)

congrats, all!  The entries were delicious!


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## Anna Buttons (Sep 20, 2011)

Bazz - what a lovely thing to say, thanks. If I was perfect I would be rich, talented and look like Cameron Diaz. I just read your entry and have the following notes-

I particularly enjoyed -

_the flotsam of space_
_known to its inhabitants as home_
_polished into a mirror_
_Instantly it attacked me, flailing and puffing darts. _Though I would delete the word me.
_A subtle firework display of taste and texture._ Though I would delete the word subtle, it seems to me an oxymoron.

I think the sentence _Anyone from anywhere can stop by and dine_ could have a little sensory something added to the end, dine amidst or among the what?

_..with a view below your feet that is simply stunning-  _I would change the wording to _with a stunning view below your feet. _

Overall I think you had a great premise and ending.


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## bazz cargo (Sep 20, 2011)

> Bazz - what a lovely thing to say, thanks. If I was perfect I would be  rich, talented and look like Cameron Diaz. I just read your entry and  have the following notes-
> 
> I particularly enjoyed -
> 
> ...



Anna:
You are better than CD.
Thanks for the notes:
I did take out the_ me_ and then put it back in, in case someone would want to know who was being attacked.(The judges take no prisoners).
The _subtle firework_ was a deliberate oxymoron, I was trying to convey a totally alien experience. And the narrator does like his redundant words.
_Anyone from anywhere can stop by and dine..._yes this could do with more, but alas, there is a word limit.
_..with a view below your feet that is simply stunning- _This felt right, the narrator has a certain logorrhoea  problem.

Sci fi is my comfort zone, and food was going to be hard to fit in. I had to play a dangerous game; cos 'Hitch' is not something I would like to be accused of stealing from.

Concerning your WINNING entry: It was so close to life, I wanted to go round his house and punch him on the nose. How could someone be so ignorant or callous that they could ruin something so important and precious to someone they are about to dump. _Grrrr!_


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