# Lilith



## Vitaly Ana (Jul 31, 2013)

She sees spikes growing out of its spine - 
barbs that pierce feeling, and flesh.

She eyes it drying, and soon to be dead,
with fronds of fading pink and red.

She sees stems and stipules weary and weak;
blinded buds that will sell for cheap.

A rank wild stench; a wicked root
Insect infested, bearing no fruit.

Vile landlord of her soul, striking 
a deceptively delicate pose. 

The despairing florist; 
a blossomed rose.


----------



## Robin Murarka (Jul 31, 2013)

*


----------



## Travers (Jul 31, 2013)

Nice, Vitaly. A few too many "and"s and some wrong punctuation.



Vitaly Ana said:


> She sees spikes out of its spine -
> barbs that pierce feeling, flesh.
> 
> She eyes it drying, soon to be dead,
> ...



I forgot to make it more obvious what I altered. Sorry, very tired...


----------



## Alehkra (Aug 1, 2013)

Very enjoyable, I thought. I particularly like the pace of the story, and the constant contrast between how beautiful it _could _​be and how it is.


----------



## Gumby (Aug 1, 2013)

I quite like this and would agree with Travers suggestions, Vitaly. Great work!


----------



## jack2 (Aug 1, 2013)

"She sees spikes out  of it's spine--"
I've been pondering this since yesterday, and I'm sorry, but that first line alone confuses me; I guess I got lost in this poem's metaphors. Is it about Lilith the woman mentioned in Jewish (and other) legends or lily, the flower?  Pardon me, but I'm new to this.  Regards, Jack


----------



## Vitaly Ana (Aug 1, 2013)

Thanks all for commenting - The poem is about a florist named Lilith who is in despair so much that she only sees the ugliness in such a beautiful flower. When I looked up names with negative connotations, very few came up. That is why I referenced Lilith though there is no biblical connection. Lilith, (Lilly for short) went with the floral theme.

Hi Jack2 - "Spikes out of its spine" was a reference to thorns out of the rose's stem. Perhaps I need to revise somewhat
    Travers - Thanks for your revisions. I will make the edits when I have time. Much appreciated!
    Alehkra - Spot on with the interpretation
    Robin - Thanks. There is a certain disgust the way Lilith sees the rose
    Gumby - Thanks as always


----------



## jack2 (Aug 2, 2013)

Hi Vitaly Ana,
I want to thank you for adding just that little insight; makes sense now.  Reading a poem requires a skill that I'm still working on.  
"She sees spikes *[growing]* out of its spine -"  This inexperienced reader needed the inserted verb to make the full connection. Thank you for your patience,   Jack


----------



## escorial (Aug 2, 2013)

How would you assume that Lilith is a name?..I googled it an came up with a female demon..first two lines I thought sounds pretty nasty demon and then I was lost completley..now Im thinking demon of fruit,flowers..and when I realised it was about a florist it threw me...


----------



## Vitaly Ana (Aug 2, 2013)

May need to change the title Esc. Too many see this florist as a demon, but she is just a florist   (a jaded florist but a florist nonetheless) 

Its funny, originally, I flirted with the idea of_ Lilith, The Florist _as the title. Maybe I should have listened to my gut instinct.

Cheers


----------



## jack2 (Aug 2, 2013)

Vitaly Ana said:


> May need to change the title Esc. Too many see this florist as a demon, but she is just a florist   (a jaded florist but a florist nonetheless)
> 
> Its funny, originally, I flirted with the idea of_ Lilith, The Florist _as the title. Maybe I should have listened to my gut instinct.
> 
> Cheers



Hi Vita Ana;
actually I like the name Lilith. It's of Assyrian origin, meaning "of the night," and that's no doubt why 

Jews and Christians alike refer to her as a demon.  The name is mentioned in the bible, but only once (Isaiah, I think).  Mark Twain speaks of her in "The Diary of Adam and Eve."  According to traditions, she appears to have been Adams first wife, but she had to give way to Eve because of . . . well, call it incompatibility, after which she walked out of the garden with the Archangel Gabriel.  Personally, I have known a lady by that name, and if anything, she was an angel--well, sort of.  Those who have enjoyed the TV sitcom  "Cheers" may well recall Doctor Frazier's pale-faced wife "Lilith." So, I see no problem with the name. 
 Just a slight clarification would put everything into perspective.   Good thread!!  Thanks,  Jack
 


----------



## WolfsTooth (Aug 3, 2013)

I thoroughly enjoyed this work. Whether or not that's because this is the type of thing I tend to compose is entirely debatable. All in all this was a very solid and disgustingly delightful piece. I hope to see more like this from you in the future.


----------



## escorial (Aug 3, 2013)

Im hopeing this florist is an actual person..if so..would you show it to her?..love to know what happened!


----------



## ToBeInspired (Aug 3, 2013)

Fantastic poem. For some reason the second line is getting to me.

Piercing barbs that tear feeling, flesh.

I understand why you chose the word _pierce_, but I still believe you could improve upon it.


_She sees spikes growing out of its spine -
barbs that pierce feeling, flesh
_*My interpretation: *When she sees the thorns, on the rose, she is hit by emotion. The, added, word of flesh instills power to the aforesaid emotion. However I find that the word piercing does not portray the same qualities to the words "feeling" and "flesh." Piercing a feeling takes on more of an emotional aspect while piercing fleshing is more physical.

_She sees spikes growing out of its spine -_
piercing barbs that tear feeling, flesh
*My Interpretation:* With this alteration you get the same feelings that were previously portrayed to the word "flesh," however I feel that it's strengthened by the word tear. Since, we are speaking of the thorns on a rose, a tear is a more discernible sign of the reaction this Florist arrives to at the sight of the rose.  This also gives additional qualities to the word feeling. With this combination the barbs first pierce and then tear due to simple structural order. The sight of the thorns pierce her emotions and tear into her, rendering her wounded. Which is why the added word of flesh plays an important role. By adding this is creates an heightened sense of visualization which adds voice to the previous statement.

I liked it. Plain and simple. Regardless of any changes you make, it was a good poem from the start. Anytime, it's probably about time that I started trying to give some advice. After-all, _"the only bad advice is the one ignored." _Time to make up for some of the help I've been given so far. I just think my suggestions may help the flow a bit. Before I hit "Post Quick Reply" I might as well also mention that the word growing is out of place. It may help focus on the contrasting ideas being displayed, but I feel there's a better choice out there. For instance, _"She sees spikes spreading along its spine," _projects later, into the sentence, of a feeling that the the "tear" in her emotion progresses upon; thus giving greater strength to the following lines. That was just an example, but remember that the word "growing" was given to you. You simply added it based upon the feedback of another. I suggest you contemplate what you wanted from the story and decide how *you* want to word it. It's your poem, don't let anyone else write it for you.  Feel free to take advice, but feel what you'll feel; it's a poem after-all.

*P.S.* Also, you follow a pattern (She sees, She eyes, She sees) which I found I liked. You could change it, but personally I noticed it and was glad it was there. 

Hope to See More,
_ToBeInspired_


----------



## Vitaly Ana (Aug 4, 2013)

Thank you all for your careful read, comments and suggestions. They are much appreciated, as always. I wrote this with a general idea in mind and so, some of the particular verbiage and punctuation needs work. I will let this one marinate and return to it keeping in mind all suggestions. Take care all,

V.


----------

