# Starlight



## kellypeace (Apr 10, 2015)

I'm not too good at poetry but what do you guys think? This is something I wrote last year. 


I gazed at her, our legs entwined,
My mind, her beauty shocked.
So gentle, young; morose yet kind,
And despite her slumber, our fingers locked.

Last night she cried,
Tucked her knees to her chest.
Convinced she would die,
Worried about all the rest.

Of what, you may ask, and so did I;
Of death she was scared, to hell would she be cast?
My love, I assured, this won’t make you die,
Longer than your body, your spirit will last.

You were born of the remnants
Of long dead stars;
Your mysterious essence
From the waters of Mars.

There’s something in your eyes,
It captivates my heart.
Like a newly risen sun in morning skies,
Take my hand, we’ll make a new start.

Do not worry, my love,
Dry your tears, do not cry.
Think of songbirds, a white dove,
I promise, you’ll never die.


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## TJ1985 (Apr 10, 2015)

I'll argue the point that you're not too good at poetry, this piece tells a clear story, introduces conflict, paints several excellent pictures, and is solid throughout. 



> There’s something in your eyes,
> It captivates my heart.
> Like a newly risen sun in morning skies,
> Take my hand, we’ll make a new start.



Stanza works hard for you, and the words chose paint a tremendous picture for me. 



> Of what, you may ask, and so did I;



This is the only line in the whole piece I didn't really go for. It feels too choppy to me. I'm sorry I can't offer suggestion to "fix" it, but really it's a pinhole in a battleship. Maybe switching a couple of words for a single two syllable word?  "Of what, you inquire, and so did I:" I find too many short single syllable words make me stumble as I read, but that's just me. Sometimes, a bunch of short words work when a few multi-syllable ones feel like I'm taking my vocabulary for a walk. 

Excellent piece, and nothing to be ashamed of here. You're better at poetry than you think you are.


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## kellypeace (Apr 10, 2015)

Great suggestion to change the piece, ("inquire"), thanks for that and the compliment!


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## Transcender (Apr 10, 2015)

I am impressed with this, really; I enjoyed reading it and understanding its message. 

But if I were to change two things, one would be to add proper quotations where the narrator is speaking to his lover--the other would be to replace the comma in the very last line with a colon. 

"I promise, you'll never die," would become, "I promise: you'll never die." 

I feel this more obvious pause would add emphasis and be technically correct.


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## QDOS (Apr 10, 2015)

Follow convention or pursue your own style of poetic verse. You have here a solid piece as TJ implies. I prefer rhyming lines so thanks for sharing I enjoyed reading it. 

  You asked for comments so here’s mine
  Six four line Stanzas with cross-rhyming couplets. Varying number of words/syllables per line, have you read this out loud to yourself. The first stanza has the flow of a build up and stands out.  In the second it start to lose a little of this potential. Keep in mind I’m only making suggestions to your word pattern and flow.

Last night she [/FONT]cried, [FONT=&Verdana]In the nightly hours she cried,[FONT=&Verdana]
Tucked her knees to her chest. [/FONT]Her knees tucked to her chest,[FONT=&Verdana]
Convinced she would [/FONT]die, [/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]Convinced that she would die,[FONT=&Verdana]
Worried about all the rest. [/FONT]So worried about all the rest.[FONT=&Verdana] 

 [/FONT]I think a rework of this stanza is also necessary to clarify the reason behind the fear of death.  
  [FONT=&Verdana]
Of what, you may ask, and so did I; 
Of death she was scared, to hell would she be cast?
My love, I assured, this won’t make you die, 
Longer than your body, your spirit will last.

[/FONT]
  I feel you’ve been watching the movie Stardust!
  QDOS


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## Darkkin (Apr 10, 2015)

Content-wise this is a solid piece, but your rhyme scheme off.  You start off with abab, abab, abab, and suddenly you drop it, abcb, and revert to abab, abab.  In 4x4s like this you need to maintain a pattern. I'm a bit of a freak in this respect, but I'm a geometric reader, I find the patterns and the counts.  Pieces like this, six stanzas, four lines each.  You have 22 rhyming lines.  Why not see if you can bring those last two lines into the pattern.  This is what poetry is about, stretching that last little bit, seeing if you can actually make it work, and from what I've read I think you can.  I have read bad poetry and this doesn't come any where near bad; it is quite good.

Take stanza four apart, look at it, look at your content, and dig into your vocabulary.  You have a natural feel for linguistics, play with it.  Try different pairings, but bring that stanza home.  Two lines...See what you can do.  Overall, very well done.

- Darkkin, the Tedious


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## Firemajic (Apr 11, 2015)

Kelly... If this is your FIRST poem... then look out poets! This has the unmistakable feeling of a very mature writer/poet... Lovely mood you created, soft and gentle, but with passion... I am looking forward to reading many.. many more of your poems.. Thank you for sharing this beautiful thing with me... Peace always... jul


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## jenthepen (Apr 12, 2015)

Hi Kelly, I enjoyed the message that your poem carries. I always look for the meaning and feeling in poetry and yours is high in both of these. I like the way you add a bit of philosophy and physics into the mix without becoming preachy in any way. 

I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work.

jen


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