# Once A Warrior...



## SeaBee1 (Jan 16, 2012)

Update: please see my last post for a sample of music my eldest son wrote to accompany this story.
I posted this a few days ago, in the hope of a review or two. Many looked, but no comments so far. I think that may be because I was not clear that I wanted your feedback.

Or, you all thought it was total cliche poop and you are too kind to say so. That's okay, if that's the case, I need to know!

Anyway, thanks for reading.

*************

Chanté Beth Coogan stood upon the balcony overlooking the Imperial City, the sounds of the ball swarming around her, stinging her with its cheerful noise. She gazed down at the darkened valley. Little pinpoints of light sparkled here and there, teasing her with their warmth. Her heart ached for the comfort and familiarity of home. The lights of the city spaceport drew her gaze across the narrow valley. A shuttle escaped from its berthing, running lights blinking red and white along its length. Swiftly, it gained speed and altitude, on its way to a rendezvous with a freighter or perhaps a cruise ship orbiting the Imperial planet_. I’ll be on a shuttle like that one in a few days,_ she thought, but it was small comfort at the moment. Seconds later, the roar of the shuttle’s plasma drives shook the night as its exhaust burned bright in the darkness. It disappeared into the distance, blending into the starlit sky.

Someone stepped onto the balcony behind her. It was a heavy step, jack-boots landing solidly on the stone. She felt naked without her sword. Mother had warned her that assassins were always a concern and not to be taken lightly; no royal family was completely safe, though the threat was considered slight in the Imperial City.

A faint, cool breeze whispered along her skin. She shivered as she cocked her head slightly to place the intruder in the corner of her vision. He was in Imperial uniform, smart and proper; crisp and clean. A shadow fell across his face, making it difficult to determine if she knew him. Deciding he was no threat, she turned her attention back to stargazing, hoping he would go away.

The man stepped up beside her and looked out over the city. Abruptly, he broke the silence. “This is your first visit to Eigenburg,” he said. His voice rumbled, reminding her of the shuttle that had taken off moments ago. It was a powerful voice, but gentle. _How did he know?_ she wondered. She refused to look his way, but answered him. “Yes. But somehow the city seems familiar to me. It makes me homesick.”

“Homesick?” he said, but not unkindly. “Is that why you have hidden yourself away on this balcony? A pretty lass like yourself could have the company of any man she chose. Dance with me, Lady Chanté, and I will help you forget about home for a while.”

She whirled around, facing him, her dark eyes blazing. “Well, aren’t you a smooth one!” she said, wondering how he knew her and angry at his intrusion into her misery. “And so confident! Tell me something. How do you know me? And who are you? We have never met before.” She eyed him suspiciously.

His pulse quickened upon seeing her face to face. She reminded him of the willows in the Imperial garden, tall and strong and maybe a little sad in spite of her tartness. Her long, thick hair, black as deep space, was like a shadow upon her head. Dark brown eyes sparkled with a hint of tears in the dim light of the balcony. _She really is homesick_ he thought. He liked her, in spite of her ill manners. “I have known your brothers for years. They have been here many times with your father. When I found out that you had come on this trip, I wanted to meet you. You’re actually much prettier than your brothers claimed.”

Chanté laughed as she relaxed a little. “Oh, I am sure they gave me warts or moles or some other blemish to get even for something we have all since forgotten. And who are you? Some plebe my brothers met in a local tavern?”

He chuckled softly. _What an ill mannered girl!_ he thought. “Nicholas Jovanavich, at your service,” he said with a slight bow, watching for her reaction.

Chanté stepped back, astonished, and bowed respectfully. _The Emperor’s son! _Silently, she scolded herself for her rudeness. _How did I not recognize him? Mother will have a fit if she finds out I have been so uncivil!_ “My apologies, Majesty. I did not recognize you.” The miracle was in the sincerity of her apology.

“Don’t worry, Lady Coogan, I won’t have you flogged for your insolence. Your brothers did say you could be… how did they say it…” he searched for the right word. “Spirited, I think it was. I would much rather spend time with a woman of spirit than some of these airheads that swoon if I should look their way.”

Chanté began to feel at ease. _Some of those “airheads” are my friends, no doubt. And some of them are indeed “swoony” at the thought of catching the heir’s eye. _Her training schedule had afforded little time to give men much thought, much less the Emperor’s son. _Well, he does seem likable, in spite of his arrogance,_ she thought. “Why,” she asked, deciding to change the subject, “are you in uniform? Or is that the official Imperial attire?”

“I graduated from the Academy today. I have earned the right to wear it,” he said, with barely audible arrogance. “I will ask Father for my commission tomorrow before the banquet, so I thought I’d get him used to the idea.” He glanced away, toward the spaceport, a deep longing in his eyes. “I doubt it will help much, though.”

Chanté looked puzzled. “Why should you have to ask? Do the Emperor’s sons attend Academy just for the fun of it?”

Nicholas turned his gaze toward Chanté, suddenly becoming serious. “My mother and brother died in a horrible event a few years back when their shuttle’s plasma drives lost containment. It was a freak accident.”

She nodded. “I remember hearing about that. I am sorry.”

“Well, since then, Father has been terrified of space travel. He is even more afraid for me. He thinks there will be war soon. If I die, he has no heir.” He shook his head. “I can’t stand the thought of being trapped here on the Imperial planet for the rest of my life, signing papers, stroking the nobility, and avoiding all risk, simply because Father thinks some dreadful thing may happen to me. That would be worse than death.” He turned again to her and looked her in the eyes, chuckling. “And you are homesick? I would give anything to go somewhere. Anywhere.”

Chanté looked astonished. “You have never been off this planet?”

Nicholas shook his head. “If I get my commission, though, and there is a war, I’ll get off this planet one way or another.”

“Why does your father think there will be war? War with who?”

“You don’t know? The Tlingali have crossed into the Buffer Zone.”

“The Tlingali? We have been at peace with them for as long as anyone can remember. My family has been trading with them for generations.”

“It doesn’t matter. They have warships in the Buffer Zone. If they don’t leave the Zone, my father will be forced to respond. If it comes to that, it’ll be bloody.”

“So that’s why the Senate has convened on such short notice. And why Father brought us all with him.”

Nicholas nodded.

“And all us girls thought this ball was to find you a bride.” A slight grin scampered across her face.

Nicholas snorted. “Well, nothing would please Father more. You know, tie me down and keep me at home. I’ll have none of it until I’m ready.” Boldly, Nicholas took her hand. “In the meantime, I’ll keep my father guessing, along with all the girls. So, what about that dance?”

“I’ll dance with you, but under one condition,” she said firmly.

“Alright, name it,” he said a little too quickly. There was a faint mental alarm going off in his head.

“Entertain me and keep me pleasantly diverted from self pity the rest of my stay.”

He smiled. “Well, I expected something more difficult, Lady Coogan.” He looked into her eyes, his soul plucked from him like a prize. He shook himself mentally, alarms clanging in his head like a bad weather alert. He wondered now what he may be getting himself into. _Maybe it was a mistake to find her, _he told himself. _I don’t need any entanglements. _But the thought of getting entangled with this beauty with the large, round brown eyes that drew him like a magnet, intrigued him all the more.

The next waltz was just beginning, an opus by Vivaldi, vibrant and energetic. The orchestra threw themselves into the piece with passion. Nicholas was finding it difficult to breathe. “The dance is starting. Come,” he said, recovering his wits and offering her his arm. Heart still thumping loud in his ears, he led her through the portal from the balcony onto the mezzanine above the immense ballroom. The floor was an off-white and rose marble with a huge dragon inlaid in the floor with many different jewels and semi-precious stones, giving it a three dimensional appearance.

Chanté stopped to admire it. She hadn’t noticed it before. From above, it seemed to take on a life of its own. A faint unease touched her mind. The scar, the terrible mark burned into the palm of her left hand, was a mirror image of the one on the dance floor. Her scar began to throb painfully with her heartbeat, and the dragon on the floor appeared to grow a little with each pulse. It seemed that the image was whispering something that she could not quite hear, beckoning her to join some ancient struggle she knew nothing about. Nicholas saw the confusion on her face. “Is something wrong?” He watched the blood drain from her face. “You look pale. Are you ill?”

As the dragon became smudged by the hundreds of feet dancing over it, her mind cleared. The throbbing in her palm eased, and her heartbeat steadied. She shook her head. “No, I am fine. The dragon. It’s beautiful. Why is it there?”

“The legends say it is the Shenzhou Dragon. That it was their sign. Some say that in ancient times there was a dragon that would come from the mountains and choose the heir to the throne. But that’s a lot of ancient hogwash, you know. No one has ever seen a dragon, that I know of. Or the Shenzhou, for that matter.”

Chanté shivered. “Don’t you think the Shenzhou existed?”

“I think so, but a lot of the things that are said about them are really hard to believe. Some of the older history books have a brief mention of their war with the Tlingali and their defeat at the battle of Ellendale but not much else. Then they simply vanish. Most of what you hear is a bunch of rubbish, I think.”

Chanté looked doubtful. “How can a whole people just vanish?”

Nicholas shrugged. “Disease? Mass suicide? Maybe they went renegade. Who knows? I do know that my family took the throne and established the Buffer Zone treaty with the Tlingali, right after the battle of Ellendale. But enough of history lessons and legends for a while. Let’s join the dance,” he pleaded. Still shaken, she finally allowed Nicholas to lead her onto the dance floor, wishing desperately to forget about homesickness and strange visions for a time.


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## Higurro (Jan 19, 2012)

I don't why nobody has commented on this before; I loved it! It's an impressive feat to bring together believable characters in an original and comprehensive setting, but you've pulled it off, I'd say. Sometimes when looking through stuff on here I feel a tinge of regret that what I'm reading isn't published already, and this is one of those moments. If I have only one very small criticism (more of a technicality, really) it's that during the first few paragraphs a lot of the sentences are of very similar length, which gives the prose a slightly heavy one-foot-in-front-of-the-other feel, a problem that would be easily rectified in a couple of minutes. I look forward to reading more.


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 19, 2012)

Thanks for reading, Higurro!

About the sentence length - I had not noticed that before. Hmmm... I will look into that. It will probably be a monumental task, since the complete work is around 180K words. But, I think your suggestion is a good one, I want this to be as good as possible since I have committed to my 2 grown sons to attempt getting it published.

Many, many thanks for the feedback!

Best regards

CB


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## cactuskitty (Jan 19, 2012)

its really good is it star wars?


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## Higurro (Jan 19, 2012)

SeaBee1, the sentence length was only something I noticed in the first few paragraphs. I expect it was just a phase you lapsed into momentarily. Having written a manuscript of similar length myself I can certainly relate to the prospect of picking through it all, so let's not be hasty here!


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## alanmt (Jan 19, 2012)

Nice work!

Is it a romance/science fiction crossover? That is the vibe I am getting with this section. Part of me is interested in the coming war and their part in it, part of me likes the mysterious dragon connection, and part of me is thinking "OMG! They should totally hook up!" Maybe that's why the phrase "stroking the nobility" took me somewhere other than where you intended.

Some of what they say to each other seems a little forced, like it is something you want the reader to know, but seems a bit lecture-y for conversation.

The writing seems technically solid. There are some cliched elements, but nothing unduly distracting. If a story is well told and takes me somewhere interesting, I don't mind stock elements.


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## Grape Juice Vampire (Jan 19, 2012)

Very nice! I agree with Higurro, and don't think it's likely that it's littered through the whole thing. Anyway, this is really good. The interactions between the characters is believable, and I find Nicholas appropriately arrogant. I'd like to see more of this.


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## josh.townley (Jan 19, 2012)

Very enjoyable. If I read these first few pages in a bookshop, I'd buy this book.

Just one thing that bothered me. I didn't like it how you would suddenly shift to Nicholas's POV for a moment, and then go back to Chanté. I found it a little disruptive. 
There's nothing wrong with having more than one character's POV, but I prefer to stick to one per chapter, or have a more definite shift. It might not bother others, though.
Nice work!


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 20, 2012)

First of all - Thank you all for the comments and encouragement!

I will try to respond to each in turn.

Cactuskitty  - Well... no, not Star Wars. While I am a huge fan of the series (well,  the older three. The more recent three, not so much), and I do admit  (hangs head in shame/embarrassment) that some of my writing has been  influenced by Star Wars, this ain't Star Wars. I have also been  influenced by Frank Herbert, Isaac Asimov, Tom Clancy and Steven  Spielburg, among others. I think that being influenced and/or inspired  by other works a person enjoys is probably inevitable. I am glad you  enjoyed it.

Higurro - I only meant that I found your observation  valid. If you noticed it, I am sure others will also. I will post the  next scene this weekend and if you see the same thing there, let me  know.

Alanmt - The romance/Sci-Fi crossover tag is probably accurate,  but really only serves as backdrop for the story proper. Actually, it  should be thought of as a coming of age story, or at least that was my  original intention. It sort of grew out of that. The MC is forced to  grow up rather quickly when the war rips her from friends and family and  love interest and deposits her on a distant planet in her escape. The  main story is about the hunt to find her. BTW, you owe me a keyboard!  When I read your comment about 'stroking the nobility', my coffee went  flying, I laughed so hard! Yeah, not the image I intended... I think  'coddling' is probably the word I was looking for but it just didn't  come to me at the time. Well, anyway, my desk and monitor will be fine,  but the keyboard is toast...

Vampire - Thanks for reading! I  guess I didn't mean I would do a complete re-write based on Higurro's  observation, but I do think it is something I need to be aware of. Your  encouragement is appreciated!

Josh - I have found with this work  that I do struggle at times with POV at times. Like Higurro's  observation about sentence length, this is something I need to be  cognizant of. I thought I had been careful about getting a hard shift in  view, but may have missed it in a few spots. Thanks for calling that  out! And thanks for the encouraging words!

Again, many thanks to all and best regards

CB


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## Notquitexena (Jan 23, 2012)

I like it very much - it makes me want to have the rest of the story. The sweet pathos of your Nicholas character wanting to get into space reminds me of the prince character I am developing for my fantasy novel, who has been the ward of his Uncle while the King is off fighting a civil war.


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 25, 2012)

Hello *Notquitexena*, thanks for reading, and thank you for the encouragement. I meant to post another segment this past weekend, but family matters prevented me. I will make the attempt again this morning now that the house is quiet!

To Allanmt: I meant to respond to your 'forced dialog' comment in my last post, but it escaped me. After reading it again (for the umpteenth time) I now see what you mean. I think some of it may be attributable to my desire to avoid a narrative info dump and attempt to get the reader the information through dialog. I also think that 'royals' would probably speak a little more formally than the rest of us, which may lend a 'forced' sound to their conversation. I think. Your thoughts about that would be appreciated!

Best regards to all!

CB


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 26, 2012)

Well, life just gets in the way of things I want to do... finally getting around to posting another segment of chapter 1.

*************************************

Shannon Beth Coogan and her husband, Duke Jon Coogan waltzed across the ballroom floor, she in her finest evening gown, he in the Coogan House uniform, consisting of black trousers with a thin gold stripe down the side of each leg and a heavy, double breasted black tunic with a gold eagle poised to strike embroidered across the left breast. Shannon became painfully aware that her husband’s mind was on things other than where his feet may land at the next step. “You peasant,” she said with a laugh, “where is your mind tonight?”

Jon seemed not to hear, as he stumbled through the dance like a blind bull. “Jon,” she purred, “are you with me tonight?” She squeezed his hand, trying to gain his attention.

“Yes, yes, dear, what is it?” he said absently. Shannon saw that his eyes were focused elsewhere, still.

“What is troubling you, Jon?” she asked, irritated with his preoccupation.

“Hmm, oh, you know, this thing with the Tlingali. The possibility of war is real, my dear.”

“It wouldn’t bother me any if we drove them out of the galaxy.”

“Shannon! We have had good relations with them for some time now. You know a war will be counter-productive.”

“I can’t help it. I hate them,” she said, her body going rigid.

Jon softened. “I understand, my love,” he said sympathetically. “But we must put the past in the past. Besides, the new ambassador will be here tomorrow for the banquet. I expect you to be civil.”

“My plan is to avoid him,” she said coldly.

“Shannon…,” he chided.

She sighed heavily. “I’ll do my best, sire.”

Jon gazed around the ballroom in search of his daughter. She was seventeen and considered herself grown. Her independence troubled him and when he spotted her with a man he couldn’t quite make out, his heart sank. Shannon winced in pain as Jon’s foot came down on hers. Again.

“Jon, maybe we should sit out this dance,” she groaned.

“Probably. You need to have a talk with our daughter, anyway. It seems she has suddenly gained an interest in young men,” he grumbled. Jon could be quite disagreeable when Chanté asserted her autonomy.
Shannon glanced around until she spotted her daughter on the mezzanine. “Well, look at that!” she said, surprised. “She’s with Nicholas!” Jon was constantly amazed at the acuteness of his wife’s senses. She could smell the slightest scent, see the most distant object, and hear the faintest sound. Shannon looked up in her husband’s face. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Jon. An alliance with House Jovanovich can only help us.”

The Duke looked at his wife for the first time since the dance had begun, his attention landing squarely upon her. “I will not use her that way, Shannon. Ever.” The scowl on his face would have melted steel.

“Of course not,” she said, flinching at the rebuke. “But you have given her free choice rather than an arranged marriage. I don’t think we should hinder. Let things take the path that they will take.” Shannon noticed Jon leading them closer to where Chanté and her partner were. She decided to forego resistance. “She’s getting older, Jon. And it was your idea to bring her this time. Did you expect her to go through life with absolutely no interest in men?”

“We had to bring her, but I would have preferred further delay. I think we have sheltered her quite well until now.”

“Maybe too well, Jon,” she said, hoping he noticed her reproach.

He thought about it before his response. “Well, probably. I doubt she has any idea how to handle these young bucks. It does bother me that any man with smooth words might have his way with her.”

Shannon gave her husband an incredulous look. “I do hope you know her better than that! She is not some weak minded little girl, subject to the silly whims of emotion.” There was a smoldering in her eyes that betrayed her growing anger. Jon ignored the warning signs.

“Don’t be so sure, Shannon. She is still only seventeen years. Hormones rage at that age.” Jon smiled for the first time. “Or have you forgotten?”

The Duchess considered a moment before speaking again, her anger cooling as she remembered. “Okay, I’ll talk with her. And I won’t play the match-maker. I promise.”

Jon grunted his consent, but his steps grew no better. He saw that Chanté and Nicholas had now joined the dance. The Duke maneuvered near enough to the pair in order to get a good look at the young man. On close inspection, he could see the boy was a mirror image of his father. Jon remembered Stephan Jovanovich from their Academy days together, years ago. Like Stephan, Nicholas’ blonde hair was cut short, as a fleet officer’s would be. His deep blue eyes displayed a sharpness of mind with just a hint of mischief that disturbed Jon. His conditioning was evident by well muscled arms and thick, sturdy legs. It was obvious why his daughter might show some interest in the young man. Nicholas had a confidant, controlled manner that spoke well of his upbringing.

As the waltz ended, Jon bowed low to Shannon and excused himself. She watched him go, on his way to some business that had been signaled by an Imperial servant. _Now, what’s he up to?_ she wondered. The Senate met with the Emperor earlier in the day. No other meetings were scheduled, which meant that Jon was summoned to a private meeting. She scanned the room for her two sons and found Joshua, the youngest, tucked away in a corner with some pretty thing, but Jonathan, the oldest, was nowhere in sight.

She made her way to a bench on the sideline and waited for Chanté to look her way. When she finally caught her daughter’s eye, she signaled her to join her on the bench. Shannon watched as Nicholas took Chanté’s hand and kissed it before disappearing into a crowd. Chanté came across the ballroom floor, stopping here and there, greeting several of her friends along the way. Finally, she sat beside her mother, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“What a change from this afternoon, Chanté!” Shannon said happily. “I thought you would pine away the rest of your life only moments ago.”

“Eigenburg is not so bad, I guess. And we’ll be going home soon. I’m beginning to feel better.” Her eye’s, however, said that something still troubled her.

“I saw you on the mezzanine. Something caught your eye. Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing. I was just admiring the ballroom. It’s beautiful from up there.”

Shannon could sense that her daughter was hiding something, but knew it would be futile to pry just then. “Yes, it is, really. I think the ancients had an eye for beauty. Now, girl, tell me about this young man you danced with.”

Chanté brightened again. “Well, I am sure you know _who_ he is,” she began.

Shannon smiled, nodding for her to continue.

“He’s nice enough. He has been at the Academy for the past six years, studying navigation and weapons systems along with traditional command courses. He graduated today and now wants his commission to the Imperial Fleet…”

Shannon chuckled at that. “His Majesty will never allow it. The Emperor is terrified of space travel since the accident. He will never let Nicholas go, commission or not.”

“Well, Nicholas did say his father would probably refuse to sign. But he told me he will get his commission one way or another, even if he has to forge his father’s signature.”

“Does he think he can pull that off?” Shannon scoffed. “It’ll take more than a signature.”

“Nicholas seems to be a determined man,” Chanté said, convinced that Nicholas had a better than even chance.

“Maybe, but that is a trait he shares with his father. We’ll see who wins that one. Do you like him?” Shannon asked with a grin.
_
Cutting to the chase, eh, Mother?_ Chanté thought. She smiled impishly at her mother, who nodded wisely. “Maybe,” Chanté said hesitantly. “We have only talked for thirty minutes or so. He could be an awful person for all I know.”

Shannon looked deeply into her daughter’s eyes. “So you say, but first impressions are usually correct. I saw you two dancing. Both of you are smitten.”

Chanté silently cursed her mother’s perceptiveness. It was one of the disadvantages of having Shannon Beth Coogan for a mother. Nothing is easily hidden. _But does it matter if I am ‘smitten’ as Mother says?_ she asked herself. _If Nicholas joins the fleet, when would I see him again? After a war? If he survives. If any of us survive! _“Even if we are, it will make no difference.” Chanté said. “We’ll be going home in a few days, and he may be on a frigate on his way to God knows where. I’ll probably never see him again.”

“If he’s interested in you, he’ll find a way to see you. They always do,” the Duchess said knowingly, remembering how Jon had arranged to have her near him by simply hiring her as his personal secretary. The marriage was inevitable, in spite of his mother’s objections that ‘She is not from any noble house, and a bookkeeper at that. How much more common could you find?’ ‘Mother,’ Jon had countered, ‘As a woman, she is most uncommon.’ Shannon had heard the entire exchange between mother and son. Jon’s reply had endeared him forever to her. She never told him what she had heard.

“What about Father?” Chanté asked. “What does he think? Or did he even notice?”

Shannon laughed. “Oh, he noticed, and I have the bruised toes to prove it. Your father is always so blasted difficult where you are concerned. He thinks you are some porcelain figurine that should be kept on a shelf somewhere, completely protected from breakage. Well, I promised him not to be the little match-maker.” A hint of mischief glimmered in the Duchess’ eyes. “But I won’t hinder things, either. We’ll let whatever happens, happen. Now, off with you and go have some fun.”

Chanté hugged her, and gave her another kiss on the cheek. “I will, Mother. I do feel better.”
The Duchess gave her a wink and watched her daughter as she began to mingle with the crowd, obviously searching for Nicholas. She laughed to herself. _Yes, she is smitten, no question about it._

**************************************

I hope you find this segment enjoyable. Your critique, of course, is welcomed and encouraged. This will probably be the last segment I will post, as I need to finish polishing the final chapter.


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## alanmt (Jan 26, 2012)

Having a moral speech pattern for royals is a perfectly valid convention.  It makes sense to me.


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 27, 2012)

alanmt said:


> Having a *moral* speech pattern for royals is a perfectly valid convention.  It makes sense to me.



Hi Alan, I think you meant 'formal'? Although a 'moral' royal might be rather unique...

Thanks again for the feedback and best regards!

CB


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## alanmt (Jan 27, 2012)

lol yes.  formal  damn these fingers!


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## Notquitexena (Jan 30, 2012)

I liked the bit with the father distracted while trying to dance. A couple of minor things:

[Jon remembered Stephan Jovanovich from their Academy days together,  years ago. Like Stephan, Nicholas’ blonde hair was cut short, as a fleet  officer’s would be.]

This is a bit awkward. Perhaps something like "The boy's father had looked just the same during his Academy days. Even the cut of Nicholas' blond hair was just what was to be expected of a fleet officer." 

[“Nicholas seems to be a determined man,” Chanté said, convinced that Nicholas had a better than even chance.]

Perhaps a little more about Chante's frame of mind, like: "Chante toyed with the idea of saying something snarky about Nicholas having a better than even chance, but changed her mind and simply said, 'Nicholas seems determined to make it to space.' "

JMHO


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## josh.townley (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm really liking this.
Just one thing, though. Would they be talking about the possibility of war out in the open like that where everyone could hear? It seems like the sort of discussion that should be kept behind closed doors. If there were any journalists there (I'm assuming a similar media system here, of course), something like that getting out could cause a panic and a lot of embarrassment for them.


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 31, 2012)

Notquitexena said:


> I liked the bit with the father distracted while trying to dance. *Thanks. I drew that from real life. My wife has promised never to dance with me again! *A couple of minor things:
> 
> [Jon remembered Stephan Jovanovich from their Academy days together,  years ago. Like Stephan, Nicholas’ blonde hair was cut short, as a fleet  officer’s would be.]
> 
> ...



Thanks for reading and sharing your opinion.

Best regards

CB


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## SeaBee1 (Jan 31, 2012)

josh.townley said:


> I'm really liking this.
> Just one thing, though. Would they be talking about the possibility of war out in the open like that where everyone could hear? It seems like the sort of discussion that should be kept behind closed doors. If there were any journalists there (I'm assuming a similar media system here, of course), something like that getting out could cause a panic and a lot of embarrassment for them.



Thanks for reading, Josh!

Well... I guess I owe you a little background... some of this is exposed later in the story... everyone present at the dance would already have heard the rumor of war, since this is strictly a gathering of the nobility. All were present because the Emperor had convened the Noble Senate to discuss the possibility of the war, so no one was really in the dark except perhaps Chante and a few others.

I had not thought about the media, but this story is basically about a future where most modern conventions have been abandoned and ancient customs have been embraced, especially concerning warfare. It gets bloody a little later in the story.

You know... writing is hard!

Thanks for reading, Josh! I appreciate your comments.

Best regards

CB


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## Philip Smith (Feb 1, 2012)

I like it. I'm not a big fan of fantasy, but you brought it alive to me. I look forward to reading more of yours


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks for reading, Philip!

I am very encouraged that so many have found it to be readable and happy you liked it. Unfortunately, I cannot post any more of this epic. It is a (mostly) complete work and will be going out to an agent soon. I apologize to all who have read and wish to see more. The complete novel is around 180K to 200k words and would be impossible to post the entire thing here.

Best regards

CB


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## AlexBlack (Feb 2, 2012)

Congratulations on all the good reception and good feedback here. And good luck with your agent.


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## Notquitexena (Feb 6, 2012)

SeaBee1 said:


> You know... writing is hard!



But isn't it *fun*!


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## Notquitexena (Feb 6, 2012)

SeaBee1 said:


> Thanks for reading, Philip!
> 
> I am very encouraged that so many have found it to be readable and happy you liked it. Unfortunately, I cannot post any more of this epic. It is a (mostly) complete work and will be going out to an agent soon. I apologize to all who have read and wish to see more. The complete novel is around 180K to 200k words and would be impossible to post the entire thing here.
> 
> ...



Please post an update when you get a book publisher so we will know where to look for a copy!


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 6, 2012)

Indeed, writing is fun! Why else do it?

*Gasp!* I am honored you would consider buying a copy! I will gladly update if and when it becomes published. Unfortunately, that could take a while, I think. My understanding is that once accepted, it could take up to 2 years before hitting the book stores. And I still have some work to do before submitting.

I am overwhelmed at the response here and feel completely unworthy.

Best regards to all

CB


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## LaughinJim (Feb 6, 2012)

*In by sundown EST as promised.*

SeaBee1 wanted me to do this so here goes: The dialogue is usually formal which is no problem at all considering the status of the speakers. When Chante and Nicholas are speaking, however, they drift into a colloquialism of present day that could appear anachronistic i.e. “airhead,” Maybe another word meaning the same or an original construction.

Nicholas kept thinking Chante was ill mannered yet he came up to her without introduction. Is this due to his arrogance or is it a problem with the context? In a polite setting doesn’t she have the right to be indignant there?

In paragraph 9 you misspelled the surname of Nicholas. Elsewhere you have it as Jovanovich and not Jovanavich which you have in its first appearance. I believe the ‘o’ is correct for the name that I am familiar with. I am sure this is a typo but a picky reader for a publisher might expect you to be more careful with the proper names of your characters.

In paragraph 10 and all other occurrences throughout the work you may want to find and replace Majesty for Highness. Majesty is traditionally a term used for kings and I suppose emperors. Nicholas would be addressed as Your Highness and would be introduced as His Imperial Highness. If you so wished you also might use Your Grace if he was an Archduke as was the case of the Habsburg Imperial family with the heir to the throne.(If they happened to be speaking English. Boy, this title stuff can be complicated.) Or, if you wished to keep that Russian motif, I don’t know how deep you go with it, Tsesarevich but I don’t personally like that one. It’s your universe but Majesty has never been used for a crown prince that I have seen.

In paragraphs 12 & 13, the word ‘arrogance’ appears twice in rapid succession, Perhaps some adjustment is needed.

I thought that Nicholas needing to explain the circumstances surrounding the death of his mother and brothers as a little peculiar. I thought that this should be a part of the narrator’s duties as it would be like Prince William relating his mother’s death to a member of the British aristocracy and the Lord or Lady saying “I remember reading about that in the Times.” You could come up with a similar analogy for U.S. citizens and the events of Sept. 11, 2001. A tragic death of an Empress and Imperial Princes would be etched on the consciousness of an entire empire much less a member of the ruling class. Even if she was too young at the time to appreciate it, the story would have been encountered by her over and over as she grew up. Nuff said.

In paragraph 27, “Nicholas snorted” and then some lines: I know what you mean but it is more accurate to say “He snorted then said…” I would limit the use of that expression to a single word or two. Otherwise, that’s some snort.

In paragraph 28-30, the Prince says that he'd grant Chante any favor and then realizes his predicament as it leaves his mouth. I liked the little situation Nicholas found himself in and wished that you had done more with it. In medieval literature, writers like Cretien de Troyes frequently employed the ‘Rash Boon’ as a device to get kings into trouble. A grateful king grants anything to a knight who has performed a great service to the kingdom. As a result, the king gets into a serious jam. He uses his wits to get himself out or a champion steps up to help. Remember the nobility were the patrons of writers of that age and flattery was the key to their success. You gave it a brief gloss, which is fine. But I was expecting her to at least tease him a bit as paybacks for sneaking up on her.

In paragraph 32, you said a waltz, “an opus by Vivaldi, vibrant …” etc. You have a world in the future that you now indicate is a future of this universe, good, you’ve helped the reader. In doing so though, if you don’t have a particular piece in mind, you may lose a friend because he or she may be a fan of Vivaldi and not be able to figure out what piece you are talking about. The only work by Vivaldi that I am familiar with is Four Seasons which I love. (particularly Winter and Spring) I am ignorant, unfortunately, of his lesser works. If you are thinking of a particular piece, I think it is a good idea to name it. Now that you have set the scene and the reader has pictured it in his head, then if he or she is familiar with that work, the scene for him or her has been set to music. The more widely known the piece; the more friends you might make. I’m not saying for one second that you have done this but: don’t for the sake of time, assume that a composer, painter etc. wrote or painted something that is such and such unless you are sure. If you are, you should name it. (There, now some of you can put “I am ignorant” in quotes and attribute it to me with appropriate impunity.):nightmare:

I’ll try to go through the rest quickly. In paragraph 33, you mention the scar on Chante’s left hand as an exact image. I thought exact impression would be more appropriate. If it was a tattoo it would be image. (This scar which gave her pain when she saw the marble dragon mosaic, I envisioned as analogous to stigmata and I thought it was very interesting that its occurrence in the text, if my count is correct and it may not be, was in paragraph 33. But that’s the way I think.)

In paragraph 40, I thought gold stripe on the Duke’s dress uniform sounded tacky. I would suggest gold piping or narrow gold braid or braiding. These folks got bucks, there’s nothing wrong with making the uniform sound as sumptuous as possible. 

There’s a missing carriage return at the end of paragraph 54, which screwed up my count, but I know that is the fault of the post editor which has a few foibles that I’m still getting used to.

In paragraph 62 (or perhaps it’s paragraph 63) we finally at long last get some physical description of Nicholas other than the original skeletal treatment and it comes from Lord Coogan. I would have been happier if it came from Chante because it would be her first impressions rather than from her father. Do we honestly care what Dad thinks?

Thanks for the subtle invitation to criticize and suggest corrections and alternatives. I don’t mind doing it. If people think I’m harsh then so be it. No offense is intended here especially not to CB who is not the least bit a lazy writer. As I said elsewhere, I liked reading it very much. Judging from this and the overall size of the work, I think you might invest in some Brasso and white towels, that’s all that I feel is needed.


Hope your thick hide hasn't been scraped,
Jim


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks, Jim, thick hide still intact! I have done some minor research on royal culture, but obviously missed some things. The trees obscured my view of the forest in a lot of places. I knew I would need to revisit some things. Your analysis, as usual, is spot on. I found your comments neither harsh nor heavy handed. I will print your observations and also do some further research in order to get those parts right.

As an update to others who have also weighed in: I have considered your suggestions and many have already been incorporated into the work. Much thanks to all that have taken the time to read and comment. The team spirit I have found here is amazing and it is my hope that I have been a help to others, as well.

Best regards to all

CB


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## AlexBlack (Feb 7, 2012)

I would suggest Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in G Major No. 3 Op. 3 (link). <<--Although I do believe that video has been transposed, that is still a brilliant piece and one of my favorite Vivaldi compositions.

It's true that a prince or duke would go by "Your Highness" rather than "Your Majesty", but that would be a simple text replacement fix.


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jim, Alex, you are, of course correct, that my usage of "your Majesty" in reference to the crown prince is in error. I missed this in the effort to "get the thing written". As this is the only point in the story where he is addressed as such, it is an easy fix. As previously mentioned, I still have some work to do.

Alex: Vivaldi, in my opinion, is an under appreciated genius. I listened to the piece you linked - I felt the first and third movement were appropriate, not sure about the second. As a whole, however, an excellent choice. I forget sometimes how wide your musical tastes range. Thanks for the suggestion!

Best regards

CB


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## ShatteredUniverse (Feb 14, 2012)

_As promised, here's my review of the excerpts of _Once a Warrior _posted on Writing Forums. __

NOTE: I intentionally avoided reading the other reviews until after I finished, so my views wouldn’t be colored by theirs. Also, when I told you “thorough” that’s exactly what I meant. XD I hope you find something in here both inspirational and helpful._ 

*- Opening:* The opening was my favorite part, actually. The imagery invoked is the most vivid in this section. And effective imagery it was, indeed. In other words, even more than the situation, your command of language in this part proved an effective hook. I'll go over individual lines in the Writing section.

*- Ending:* Okay. Since I'm reviewing both posts as one, I'll be speaking of the end of the second post. I can tell from this ending you intend a moderately-paced buildup. I think this is appropriate for the type of story you seem to intend to tell. The end hook was handled differently than I would have, but I prefer in-your-face pacing, as I'm sure you've noticed. 

*- Notable Scene:* The opening. See above.

*- Dialogue:* The paragraph I want to bring up specifically, is the one that starts "Shannon laughed. 'Oh, he noticed, and". . . This one, second only to the opening paragraph, was so vivid it actually, in a way, read itself to me. Like The Duchess had taken residence in my head. Well done.

*- Characterization:* Believable, for the most part. The "infatuation"-at-first-sight thing has happened so many times in real life, and it's handled credibly in this piece. The one thing I would like you to consider is the part where the Duke goes on about how he thinks Chanté isn't ready to take interest in men and the Duchess defends her budding adulthood--even though these people are supposed to be 'traditional' because their royals, why not change the tradition? In this, I mean why not switch the rolls around in that conversation? This is supposed to be a futuristic piece, after all. Hopefully male attitudes towards females have change at least that much.

*- Writing Techniques/Spelling/Grammar: *This is the only touchy part. Mostly, your prose needs some extra polishing. This, by far, is the source of most of my quibbles. There are, however, some notable (very positive) exceptions to this. I will be bringing things up exactly in the order I encountered them, because this is the way the editor who's considering your work, and later, the casual reader who's just bought it is going to see it. 

Remember, unless I specifically reference convention, all of the following is my opinion. 

Let us begin:

*"stinging her with its cheerful noise"* -- I absolutely love, love, _love_ this line! I wish I had come up with it myself.

*"escaped from its berthing"* -- Just like Chanté wants to escape from hers, both literally and (because of _berthing_ being a homophone of _birthing_) figuratively? Good metaphor.

*"blending into the starlit sky"* -- Considering what's coming next, I'm thinking this is unintentional foreshadowing. Just exactly the kind of foreshadowing that works best. It gives the 'I should have seen that!' effect without beating the reader over the head with it.

*"A faint, cool breeze whispered along her skin."* -- Where are you coming up with this imagery, man? I'm jealous. . .

*"somehow the city seems familiar to me"* -- I'd omit the 'somehow'. It just feels like extra baggage when I read it out loud.

*", but not unkindly"* -- You might think I'm crazy, but you need to watch adding description like this directly on to the speaker tag, especially when such added description becomes more than a few words long. A highly competent reviewer once explained why to me: it makes it seem like the dialog is carrying all the load of storytelling. It's basically the same reason another one advised me against using ". . ." so much in my writing. Balance, important, it is. . . Just finding a way to split it off into another sentence will help. Sorry, if you think I'm completely full of it on this point.

*"His pulse quickened upon seeing her face to face."* -- Two points on this.
**Convention Alert** First, a general one for the whole piece: You've got to be careful with the POV shifts. When I hit this: okay, fine, it looks like you're going to be narrating in Omniscient POV. Yet, I find you use very, very few of the other elements of Omniscient POV. This makes these abrupt transitions off-putting and will make you look much less competent than you really are. If you're going to write in Omniscient POV, then do so wholeheartedly (make it abundantly plain very early on). If not, you need to split the shifts into separate scenes, or chapters, or parts. Simple as that. As a very wise man once said: "I would have that you be either hot or cold. . ."
About the line itself: I'd change "upon" to "on" for brevity.
*"She reminded him of the willows in the Imperial garden, tall and strong and maybe a little sad in spite of her tartness."* -- Wonderful imagery, right up until the word "tartness". I'm quite sure you know why referring to a woman's "tartness" might give the reader the wrong idea about her, or his mindset, for that matter.

*"What an ill mannered girl! he thought."* -- This line just didn't work for me. Mainly because of the errant exclamation point. **Convention Alert* *It is bad form to place that kind of punctuation in the middle of a sentence, even a thought, unless the thought is set off in some way, such as being put in italics. Please, please, don't take this to mean I want you to put quotes around the characters' thoughts, though, because this also goes in the face of convention. One suggestion would be to drop "he thought" attribution entirely, because it's implied from context and because it will lend a little subtlety to the line. The choice of how to fix it's yours, but it does need to be fixed.

*"Silently, she scolded herself for her rudeness."*-- Omit "silently". "She scolded herself" implies "silently", because, unless you tell the reader otherwise, they're going to assume she doesn't have Tourette's syndrome. 

*"I won’t have you flogged for your insolence."* -- Omit "for your insolence." It's already implied from his thoughts and his station in life. Frankly, it makes him sound like a cheesy villain in B-movie.

*"with barely audible arrogance"* -- I read this line three times the first time I went through this piece, and even now I still can't figure out how arrogance can be audible. *shrugs* One might be able to hear a quality to another's voice that _implies_ arrogance, but one cannot hear the arrogance itself. With a little retooling, this could be one of those bits of imagery I've been going all fanboy over.

*"a freak accident"* -- If you had Nicholas talking colloquially all the time, this line would be a perfect fit, but as he only does it maybe three times in the whole piece, it doesn't. In fact, if he talked colloquially all the time it would make for an interesting juxtaposition of characterization to job description, now that I think of it. Food for thought. . .

*"stroking the nobility"* -- That's *ahem* a rather interesting bit of imagery there. . . 

*"looked her in the eyes"* -- "looked into her eyes" would have a much more fluid feel to it here.

*"If I get my commission, though, and there is a war"* -- Nix "though". It breaks up the flow of the sentence.

*"If it comes to that, it’ll be bloody."* -- If you are going to keep his speech patterns as formal as they have been for the preceding paragraphs, you need to avoid letting him use contractions. See how it's working as I tell youn's about this here line?

*"this beauty with the large, round brown eyes that drew him like a magnet"* -- This is a good snippet of imagery here (sensing a theme yet?), but it would be, like, ten times better if you said "magnets" instead of "a magnet", because right now the end looks more like a cliché than anything. We want that metaphor to shine!

*"opus by Vivaldi"* -- Kudos for knowing how to use "opus" in a sentence. 

*"The orchestra threw themselves" *-- **Convention Alert* *The correct way to write this sentence would be "The orchestra threw _itself_", because you are referring to a singular group of people, which is treated as an object, not a group of individual persons, in English.

*"The scar, the terrible mark burned into the palm of her left hand"* -- Now, why does this make me think about the scar on Harry Potter's forehead. . . ? Seriously, though, I like a little explicit symbolism every once in awhile. Keeps everyone honest.

*"The legends say. . ."* This just makes it completely obvious an info-dump is on the way. Get rid of these first three words, please.

*"I think so, but a lot of the things that are said. . ."* -- Again, an obvious info-dump. I realize you're probably avoiding putting this in your narrative, I really do. But this is just as bad. A more palatable way to deal with this is to either not say as much and leave a good portion up to implication or to split it up into bite-sized pieces. Or maybe you can come up with a better way yourself. Either way this issue needs to be addressed. 

"*But enough of history lessons and legends for a while.*" -- Okay then. . . beating us over the head with the preceding info-dumps, are you?  I _strongly_ suggest you get rid of this line, if nothing else.

*"'Jon,' she purred, 'are you with me tonight?'"* -- Love this little snippet of onomatopoeia.

*"trying to gain his attention." -- *Unnecessary, because it's implied by context and her immediately-preceding action.

*"'It wouldn’t bother me any" *-- I'm not sure about this line. The "any" just sounds more like something my main character would say than one of yours. Real 'hickville', you know.

"*She was seventeen. . ." *-- I think "Chanté was seventeen" would rule out any possibility for confusion here.

*"had begun" *-- I think "started" would work better here.

*"any man with smooth words might have his way with her" -- *Does he honestly think she's that naive, or *ahem* loose? "_a_ man with smooth words. . ." would work better here.

*"Hormones rage at that age" *-- Haven't quite figured out why yet, but I love this line. Maybe it's the context combined with the rhyming.

*"which meant that Jon was summoned to a private meeting" *-- "which meant Jon had been summoned to a private meeting" would work better here.

*"Her eye’s, however, said that something still troubled her." -- *Something tells me you can pick out the problem with this line. Besides that, I would omit the "that", but that's just me. If you get what I mean.


Whew! I've covered everything I meant to cover at least once. Now, on to my general impressions. . .


*- Enjoyment:* I enjoyed this piece immensely, most of all because of the little gems of imagery. Once you realize you have a knack for that sort of thing, I expect that aspect of your writing to blossom.

*- Plot: *Honestly, I haven't read enough to be sure, but I think this plot has potential. Sure, it's a bit trite, but your way of telling it's the most important part of the equation.

*- Setting: *Obviously well thought-out and richly painted. I have no quibbles concerning this area.


Best regards,

ShatteredUniverse


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 15, 2012)

Hello Shattered,

Time constraints prevent me from doing much more than saying "Thank you!" for the review. While I appreciate the comments on the good parts, the primary interest I have is in the critical analysis of the bad parts. Your points are well taken, and I will be going over them to hopefully improve the work. When time permits, I will try to post a few snippets of the improvements.

In general, I want to again thank everyone for their support, encouragement and suggestions. But special thanks to both LaughinJim and ShatteredUniverse for the depth of their critiques. I am in awe, and eternally grateful. I wish I could do that kind of critique. Both were handled very professionally and it is greatly appreciated.

Lastly, it is my hope that others will benefit from the depth of these critiques as much as I have.

Best regards

CB


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## SeaBee1 (Feb 23, 2012)

I have been working on fixing and re-writing and polishing this story over the last few days and I wish to thank everyone again for the terrific feedback. As a bonus, my eldest son wrote a suite of music to go along with some of the major scenes and characters of the story. I offer this track for your listening pleasure:

02 Jovanovich Dynasty.mp3 - File Shared from Box - Free Online File Storage

This track is the "Jovanovich Dynasty", sort of a theme for Nicholas in the story. I hope you enjoy! Now I am off with the Brasso and white towels again!


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## LaughinJim (Feb 29, 2012)

Ah Yorrick, 

I hear your jibes, gambols and songs once more.
(Is a gambol played with cards or dice?) 

Hi CB,

Loved the theme worthy of Jove. No Brasso needed for tympani or horn (even electronic ones). 

Jim


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## SeaBee1 (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi Jim,

Good to see you out and about again! My oldest boy composed an entire suite for the book using a program called _FL Studio_. I wish I had his talent. He plays the piano, guitar, bass, and probably anything else he sets his mind to. 'Bout the thing I can play is the radio!

Glad you enjoyed the piece!

BTW, I am in the process of applying a judicious amount of your suggested Brasso and white towels to the book, I think it is becoming a much better read now. Thank you once again for the time and effort you put into your critique.

And now, back to the Brasso!

Best regards

CB


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## alanmt (Mar 1, 2012)

BTW, I like the second bit you posted, CB.  Parents! hahaha


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