# Between Breaths



## inkwellness (Nov 25, 2015)

Tell it again-- the tale
of the beguiling, bittersweet
scent of  darkness.

Tell of the brothers,
and the war waged
before daylight.

Incredible courage
went unseen,
between deaths.

Incredulous malice 
went unspoken,
between breaths.

Tell it over
again.


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## Doc Martin (Nov 25, 2015)

Wow, a very nice piece on the great and horrible events that happen in darkness. 

I felt this on a personal level from different times of my life.


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## inkwellness (Nov 25, 2015)

Doc Martin said:


> Wow, a very nice piece on the great and horrible events that happen in darkness.
> 
> I felt this on a personal level from different times of my life.


Thanks Doc. I appreciate your comments man.


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## shedpog329 (Nov 25, 2015)

This speaks volumes of the wars going on right now, how reciprocal it is even today.  I liked the use of subtle rhymes toward the end. Well done!


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## ned (Nov 25, 2015)

lovely poem - and love the alliteration on the final verses - very well put
good title that matches the brevity of this poem.


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## inkwellness (Nov 25, 2015)

Shedpog and Ned,
Your comments are well-received and show that you truly considered this poem. For that I thank you.


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## Gumby (Nov 25, 2015)

Really nice poem, Inkwellness. I enjoyed the tale.  For me, I think you could remove the first and third comma in the first stanza, but that is just a nit-pick. Good job!


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 25, 2015)

Wow. You definitely brought out the darkness in this one. Very well done, inkwellness!

Keep it up!


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## inkwellness (Nov 25, 2015)

Gumby said:


> Really nice poem, Inkwellness. I enjoyed the tale.  For me, I think you could remove the first and third comma in the first stanza, but that is just a nit-pick. Good job!



Gumby, nice catch! I will change it. And I appreciate your feedback. 



danielstj said:


> Wow. You definitely brought out the darkness in this one. Very well done, inkwellness!
> 
> Keep it up!


Daniel,  thanks man. :icon_cheesygrin:


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## Bosco (Nov 26, 2015)

I like this.



> Incredulous malice
> went unspoken,
> between breaths.



I'm not quite getting the "incredulous malice," and I'm wondering if you mean that the narrator is incredulous. In which case, you'd need a comma after incredulous.

Nice work!


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## jenthepen (Nov 26, 2015)

Wow, you say so very much with this brief poem - the strange allure of war, the horrible reality and the helpless anger as realisation of the reality of war dawns. The awful fact that this cycle is played out again and again is captured in the final stanza. A powerful and affecting poem. Thanks for posting this one.


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## inkwellness (Nov 26, 2015)

Bosco said:


> I like this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Bosco, It's meant to portray what is commonly unsaid. In this case, the incredulous malice is the personal disbelief about the vile acts they themselves enacted during a wartime event. They, being good people at heart, find themselves party to innumerous deeds that they may look back upon with a sense of disbelief or disgust. I hope that idea came across in my writing. If not, I may need to amend it a bit  Thanks for reading and commenting.  



jenthepen said:


> Wow, you say so very much with this brief poem - the strange allure of war, the horrible reality and the helpless anger as realisation of the reality of war dawns. The awful fact that this cycle is played out again and again is captured in the final stanza. A powerful and affecting poem. Thanks for posting this one.


 
Jen, I'm so glad you caught that. I was afraid it would go unnoticed or not clearly portrayed to the reader. I wanted describe a cyclical quality about war, being that they are so familiar. However, I didn't want to just come out and say that this feeling happens over and over, so I needed another way of conveying that repetition. Thanks for being so astute.


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## Bosco (Nov 26, 2015)

inkwellness said:


> Bosco, It's meant to portray what is commonly unsaid. In this case, the incredulous malice is the personal disbelief about the vile acts they themselves enacted during a wartime event. They, being good people at heart, find themselves party to innumerous deeds that they may look back upon with a sense of disbelief or disgust. I hope that idea came across in my writing. If not, I may need to amend it a bit  Thanks for reading and commenting.



Oh, OK. That's cool. I've always seen "incredulous" used specifically to describe a person's frame of mind on it's own, not as a way to modify another emotion etc., so it threw me a little. Thanks for the explanation.

Cheers!


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## Fats Velvet (Nov 26, 2015)

Nice.  I think 

Incredible courage
went unseen,
between deaths.

is inferior relative to the other stanzas.  Courage is very much a part of wars mythological panoply - too obvious is what I'm saying; it's the part jingoists like to elaborate on and does your poem a disservice.   I love the rest.


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## inkwellness (Nov 26, 2015)

Fats Velvet said:


> Nice.  I think
> 
> Incredible courage
> went unseen,
> ...



I see the point that you are making and I agree. In addition, I learned two new words from your comment: panoply and jingoists. Thank you for instructing me on two fronts. :smug:


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## escorial (Nov 28, 2015)

dynamic..steadfast short piece..cool


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