# October 2014 - LM - Paper Children - Scores



## Fin (Nov 4, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Paper Children


Late scores this time around. Apologies.  A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Guy Faukes, shinyford, kilroy214 and amsawtell for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Guy Faukes **shinyford**kilroy214**amsawtell**Average**InkwellMachine*16.518201717.87*EmmaSohan*15.518191817.62*Ari*131719.7518.7517.12*”The Collector” by Terry D*141916.51716.62*Pluralized*16.517161616.37*spartan928 *131716.7514.515.31*thepancreas11*14.516161415.12*Ibb*121514.51413.87*midnightpoet *1414131413.75*Mistique *12151412.513.37*godofwine*12.51613.51013*Ephemeral_One*151611.75912.93*Vendetta5885*131512.51012.62*ASWright *10.51561311.12*W. Goepner*11.511588.87*Run by Gargh  *13.51714.51314.5*”The Paper Children Escape the Great Broken Heart” by shinyford *N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*Kyle R*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/A


Congratulations to our first place winner, *InkwellMachine*, with his entry *She Gave Me No Tears.*
In second, we have *EmmaSohan* with her entry *HOPE.*
And In third place, we have *Ari* with the entry *Ashes, Dust and Paper Cuts*




Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Guy Faukes' scores]

*Kyle R*
*“Creased”*
*Overall: *N/A

I really wish I could’ve scored this entry and I’m sort of puzzled by the self disqualifying circumstances.
Nonetheless, there is some great writing here.

_“The patrol man could’ve used some restraint”_ -excellent reveal

I’m not entirely sure about how you would phrase dialogue from a fidgeting person, although you stayed within rules of dialogue that I know of and internally consistent.

There were enjoyable touches of dystopian themes here in there with her physical state, the brutality of the situation and his messianic counter-agenda.

My only nit is that he’s somehow able to blurt out “compromised” as his last dying word. A lot of syllables to say under your breath.

You may wish to cut out the sentence, “she could feel them” for stylistic purposes, as it slows down the pace and isn’t necessary.

Overall, it was one of the stronger entries of this competition, and may have been a winner.


*Vendetta5885*
*“His Legacy”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 13*

This story had a bit of a build up for me. Why was he handcrafting paper children? Was he mad? Was he making them for some sort of ceremony?

Then it became a melancholic affair.

“…remembered a long forgotten memory of Angela” – pray tell, what was it?

There were a few moments of “show, don’t tell”, particularly with his sadness and the importance of the children of the orphanage. We’re being told why he’s sad, why this is a moment of sorrow instead of being drawn into the story. This story works on evoking the emotions of the reader. Without enough “show”, it falls flat.

Another issue was that there were a few tropes, like the sound of children in hallways.

S&G wise, there were some issues:
“ ’… it[‘]s time to go[,]’ he said.”
“Don’t know, don’t care[,]” [h]e said. – you should place commas instead of periods and don’t capitalize after the initial statement

Overall, it was not a bad entry and had some decent imagery. Try to invoke the reader more in future attempts.

[*]*Ephemeral_One*
*“A Child’s Day”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 7*
*Overall:  15*

Hmm, this piece definitely had a different voice and rhythm than I’m used to. It drew me back to some of the pieces we had to read back in high school. I definitely enjoyed it.

For the tone, using the term “entertainment value” stuck out and seemed inappropriate to use here.

It took a bit of imagination to equate crunching paper as being symphonic, but for it to sound angelic was a bit much.

There’s something missing that ties the entire story together. Perhaps you could follow the rule of three, and describe what the people outside wont to do, like not obey his commands.

“It only shivered in the wind” – but we’re inside at this point. Is there an open window?

“feel the sun on his bones” – is he malnourished?

There isn’t any lead up to why he’d want to be one of them. I can parallel this with introverts and their connections with their hobbies, but sticking in some foreshadowing here would solidify the concept.

Overall, it was an enjoyable piece. It had a delicate tone that used the prompt well.

[*]*W. Goepner*
*“Paper Children”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 5.5*
*Overall:  11.5*

This was a clunky piece to read. When conveying a string of actions or descriptions, either simplify it to short, action by action sentences, or cut it out. It might not be necessary for the reader to know how an officer files reports. It doesn’t add much characterization or atmosphere, and you’re confusing a reader rather than immersing them.
There were also some vague moments. For example, “…it was then he began to get involved with the people within, for officer Lee[,] it was only win his mind.” which people? What was in his mind exactly?

There was some awkward phrasing, such as “area of files”, maybe stack of drawer of files would work instead.

“social-network” should be unhyphenated. If it’s a unique police network, you should explain what exactly it is.

There were some S&G errors:
“…the the ones that he knew, was this was this boy…”
strait -> straight

There were also some plot holes, like how Lee would be able to memorize dozens of faces, and then match one of a child after many years to a photo of them in their late teens.

Overall, it used the prompt decently with the idea of missing children being just paper children. I suggest writing slower, spread out your concepts so that you can focus on communicating your ideas clearly first, then adding artistic flourishes.

[*]*godofwine*
*“The Orphanage”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 5.5*
*Overall: 12.5*

There is a bit of overwriting in this piece, where you could probably do more with less, e.g. _“… crawled back toward the far corner of the room and huddled in the corner _[there?].

You could probably cut out the sentence explaining why he didn’t chase the ball after the first paragraph since it just slows down the story. We could deduce that.

I see Mrs. Blair took a make-up shotgun to the face set to “street walker”.

 “…tears streaked his cheeks…” tears are a bit overdone as a descriptor of sadness and duress

It seemed a bit odd that a ten year old would suddenly have a heroic surge of courage and to have committed murder so nonchalantly.

For a fiery woman, I would’ve expected her to put up more of a fight with Willie’s initial charge, especially when she was willing to bring the boys down with her rather than reach for the railing to save herself.

Also, “show, don’t tell” was an issue. We should be shown how and why Eddie is considered a little brother for Willie. But, I get it. We only have so much space to write.

Overall, it was a decent entry with some good imagery here and there, like the hag tumbling down. The plot and characters could’ve used more texture, but it’s mostly all there.

[*]*Pluralized*
*“Disregard the Cipher”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 7.5*
*Overall:  16.5*

I enjoyed the literary voice of this piece. It reminded me of the English pieces we had to decipher back into high school.

There were some excellent bits of writing through the piece. I liked how you mirrored structure of _They succeeded in making a solvent, admirable one. Reality solvent, apparently. Powerful one._

My only nit is a soft one. With the type of voice and amount of the story we’re to deduce, the story was somewhat hard to interpret at first. What sort of paper children did she have? What did that make her own? Where the kids animated paper children? But, the story unravelled itself eventually.  

Grammar, there were issues, but everything seemed to be used stylistically, so no points were docked.

It was definitely one of the more textured pieces. Great work.

[*]*Anonymous *
* “The Collector”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect:  6*
*Overall:  14*

Oooh, it’s nice to see a horror writer.

Grammatically, there were a few nits,
Also, not giving a line of dialogue its own line:
_“Of course.” _
[Next line] _Now that she’d told him…_

_ten pair _-> ten pairs

There were some awkward word choices:
-“no worry”.
-“finger pad” is a bit over-precise (which I’m guilt of writing like this as well). “Finger tip” would’ve flowed better and basically described the same body part.
-the concrete camo is a neat description, but do we need to know about the arbitrary construction of that floor?
-describing the collection as a “gauntlet” is a bit much.
-_living… seething blackness_ – bit too much of a pause, maybe you could drop the ellipsis and italicize seething for emphasis.

I liked the macabre tones of murder and bloodlust in this piece, along with some sexual tones. It rings of good horror.

His character development was decent while hers could’ve used a few more dimensions. How did she know about the dead children? What is her relationship with her medium? Just a few things that could’ve been elaborated on.

The plot had a good arc of build up and climax. The last few paragraphs flowed pretty well.

Overall, I really enjoyed the piece. It has enough necessary levels to truly call itself horror. I think it fell short with a few word choices and details that were barely out of place. When accounted together, these interrupted the flow. Beyond that, well done!

[*]*spartan928*
* “Paper, Children”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall:  13*

I liked the straightforward imagery here. It really sparks the wild, visual imagination of a child.

There were a few grammar nits:

_Think about all the pretty things in your yard_[_:_]_ maybe a tree... _– you’re describing a list after an independent clause, so a colon is required.

_Edgar turned the blank sheet lengthwise and stared _[at] _the whiteness of it_. _He drew a large_[,] half[-]_circle hill in the middle of… _

Conjunctions are missing between what he draws, which becomes troublesome.  

_He drew…_ is used a lot throughout the piece. You can get away with it for a bit, but throw in the odd synonym every now and then to prevent repetition.

The teacher seemed pretty hard on such a simple kindergarten assignment. I remember not following the rules for anything and not getting reprimanded… though I was placed in a… well, that’s too much information for now.

Overall, I like the simple tone and approach of this entry. It would make for a fine children’s story.

[*]*thepancreas11*
* “Charity”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 6.5*
*Overall:  14.5*

Ahh, here we have an entry from my fifth favorite organ. Let’s begin…

I enjoyed how well you encapsulated the discomfort of random strangers trying to talk to you in a big city. I also liked the touch of irony in the end. A lack of self-awareness is part of being metropolitan.

There was a grammar nit right at the beginning:
_“Hmph_[,]_” _[h]_e said, crossing his…_

And the odd spelling nit:
“Wonton” should be “wanton”, though I do like those dumplings

I would expect a New Yorker to have flipped him off or move away. They are a communally confrontational bunch. The guy beside him is just taking it, which sort of diminishes his role in the short.

Overall a good entry; it’s self contained and is worked around a salient point with some flourishes here and there. You definitely have the basics down, which is no small feat.

[*]*midnightpoet*
*“Children on Paper”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3.5*
*Effect: 6.5*
*Overall:  14*

Hmm, a story involving two kids, one who smokes and both know what pregnancy is. Excellent.

_“You don’t have to change diapers,”_ – she would resent him for not

There’s a lot of blatant dialogue that isn’t expected of a preteen or teen which breaks immersion:
-“_Shawn, please listen. I recognize the signs”_ that seems pretty mature for a trailer park teen
_-“Trust me, it’s a woman’s intuition. Plus_[,] _I don’t like this life_ – bit of a non-sequitur
-_I lost my childhood a long time ago _– that’s a lot of insight for a young teen
-_We don’t have a daddy to go for help _– they may not know that dads are even suppose to help at that age if they never had one
-_… you have a nice ass _– creepy, and that’s not something I’d expect a preteen boy to say to his sis.
-_Brothers don’t hurt sisters_ – hurt them? In what way? Do they equate hurt with sexuality?


_CPS came as soon as they could and took the kids away_ – I hope the kids know what they’ve gotten into

Overall, it’s a decent story conceptually. However, the dialogue didn’t really fit that of children but maybe young adults, which weakens how the piece reads. Still, I liked the kids and their gumption. 

[*]*Ibb*
*“Papa”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice:  2.5*
*Effect:  5.5*
*Overall:  12*

I’m going to come clean and state that the voice of this piece irked me; overall, the prose was a bit too embellished to be enjoyable, but not enough at some points to make it smooth. I suspect the word count played a part in the latter. The second sentence in particular looks like a few words were dropped, which made it harder to read, though grammatically correct.

A couple nits to pick:
_The sharp rustlings of paper sounded louder than they were _– not entirely bought on this concept

Unless you’re putting emphasis on the word after an ellipsis or are starting a new sentence, you don’t need to capitalize after an ellipsis.
e.g., “_And that’s…_ [m]_e.”_

Insinuate would be a good term if he was trying to weasel his way into the crowd of suits, but I don’t think it works when he’s just trying to look mature.

It sort of became predictable midway that he wasn’t their kid with the dreams and lack of physical similarity of the father to the photo.

I’m not sure what his trip to get a paper really did for the short besides get him outside of the house so that he could come home to such a scene.

I don’t mean to appear overly critical; I know how hard it is to create a short and how easy it is to tear it down. You have the basics of writing a short. It has all the necessary elements contained within the word limit. 

Overall, it was a suitable entry. Write on. 

[*]*Ari*
* “Ashes, Dust and Paper Cuts”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect:  6*
*Overall:  13*

First, I must ask; is he carrying an actual, burning torch, or an electric one? Something I think about ever since I read the Chronicles of Narnia.

You appear to drop conjugations for stylistic purposes, which has its benefits and issues.
_Black scuttling things darted for the corners, hid as though torchlight could burn them_ – this feels incomplete without the “and”
Sometimes it just disrupts the flow, e.g._ her voice deepening and rippling around him, _[like] _an ocean pulling him…_

I don’t completely understand the “rules” for bending grammar for stylistic purposes, but I think it has to follow internal consistency, symmetry or flow. Otherwise the reader will just think you made an error. Take the fourth sentence for instance, _he tried not to think of ghosts and ghouls and werewolves, of vampires that hunted at night._ It would read better if the list was symmetrical: _of ghosts and ghouls, of vampires and werewolves_. Regardless of my thoughts of flow, I definitely enjoyed the supernatural set up here.

_It was there, long ago, that a child had been found bricked up inside the chimney, dead. Murdered._ – a somewhat over dramatic reveal. I think “dead” should also be preceded by a period.

_His blood ran cold as melting ice _– why melting?

…_blacker than nightmares_ – nightmares are black?

_… his feet would not obey_ – sort of a cliché in horror

…_tears of panic _– using tears alone to demonstrate the emotional tone tend to be overused

There are a few horror tropes:
1)      a child goes into a haunted house on a dare
2)      If he’s male, he keeps going because of his “manhood”
3)      He ends up being taken/killed/maimed/possessed by the resident ghost
4)      That ghost’s death was gruesome

Tropes aren’t always bad, but they need to be rejuvenated or else the story becomes predictable and something we already know.  I also think the story could’ve benefited from a larger word count to explore itself more.

Overall, I enjoyed the plot and atmosphere, as well as the good imagery, particularly of the maniacal paper children near the end. Well done, I hope to see more of your work.

[*]*EmmaSohan*
*“HOPE”*
*Spelling/Grammar:  4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect:  7.5*
*Overall:  15.5*

This piece was a smooth read and has a great concept. Infertility in women is not commonly addressed despite the amount of anguish it causes.

I like how you characterized her brokenness and unwillingness/inability to come to terms with her reality. She almost had a childish mindset, while it seemed like there were slight signs of former abuse coming from Tom. I would like to see more why she can’t handle it. What is it in her personality that cannot shoulder this heavy loss?  

There were was one spelling nit:
Rosy -> rosie, though you spelt it correctly before. Same with "Jennie". Consistency, Emma, consistency. 

And one grammar nit:
_I look down at the cutout figures on the table _[a]_nd then I realize the truth_- I think if something has roughly the same flow and effect and is grammatically correct, one should go for it instead

And one other nit: 
The tears from both parties to show anguish was also a bit trope. 

It had a nice twist in the end, which, like any good spin, irked me for awhile.

Overall, well done. I really like the concept and execution of this short. 

[*]*Mistique*
*“Paper children”*
*Spelling/Grammar:  3*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect:  6*
*Overall:  12*

It’s nice to see one of your entries, Henny.

There are quite a few nits, either with S&G, phrasing or word choice:
-semicolons should be used to connect two independent clauses
-the second sentence is fragment and has improper use of dashes (although you use them correctly later)
-there are some quotation marks or apostrophes out of place
_-When had she become that _[sort of?]_ social worker?_ The sentence is a bit ambiguous. Also, had she taken on a managerial position? Was she sidelined? Why was she so involved with paperwork?
-_Still_[,] _it felt empty_
-_Who was this_[?]
-“loosing” should be “losing”
-_Precious couldn’t lower her voice if she tried_  – this is a good nugget of writing
-a sentence blatantly explains to the reader the technicality of why she didn’t just ask the kid her name and breaks immersion.
_-Her memory merged with the computer searching the fifty plus files of her caseload _– literally? Metaphorically?
- _the voice spoke_[,] _“but that man isn’t nice.”_
_- made the iron hand release her heart_ – there was an iron hand?
-_Half an hour later_[,] _she was…_
-_In her hand_[,] _there was…_
-_knowing that the mum would be too daft_ – change in tone with “daft”

I liked how you mirrored her futile bureaucratic work at the beginning and end, as it made for a solid structure, but show, don’t tell. You’re spoon feeding the reader this connection, and much of the denouement and ending.

Conceptually, it has some good elements like her personal sense of redemption.  Proofreading would’ve gone a long way with this piece, especially to rework some of the phrasing. There were some strong bits of writing as well, however. Keep at it, Henny!

[*]*InkwellMachine*
*“She Gave Me No Tears”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect:  7.5*
*Overall:  16.5*

Welp, I must critique another entry that has superior writing to mine. Here goes…

I think I know why your writing works so well.
 Hubert Selby once said this about male writers: “Get your balls out of the way of your [writing]. Write the truth. The ego is not truth. Destroy the ego.” I think your writing follows this, which makes it so organic.

One nit I had was with phrases that stuck out here and there as a barely too dramatic in the first half. It seems like they are barely redeemed by the context written around them. The voice in the last half was amazing, however, and incredibly vivid as the prose just flowed off the… page? Screen? Screen.

The only other nit was conceptual. I’m not entirely sold on the idea of a completely conscious paper doll. The abandoned, forlorn toy concept sat well, but the idea of a paper doll that requires social comfort and intellectual stimulation to prevent it from fading seemed a bit much. That must be one hell of an animation spell to give paper the full range of emotional needs. 

Still, I had to dig deep to find any critical feedback, so these may just fall under personal irks.

The doll’s emotions seem to parallel with the loss young males lose the affections of their mothers to “toughen up”, but I might be reading into it too much.

Keep doing what you’re doing. I see big things for your literary career.

[*]*ASWright*
*“No Refunds”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 2.5*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect:  6*
*Overall:  10.5*

There were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, mostly with missing commas, run-ons, as well as word choice and phrasing issues:
_“I’m sorry_[,] _sir_[,] _but we can’t…._
_… that ain’t no use anymore_[.] [T]_he dense girl…_ -run on, as there are two separate ideas here
_… would rather have good poisoning_ (no comma) _rather th_[e]_n_….
…”_m, no, sorry_[.] [I’ll]_, um_[,]_ just get the manager_[.] _I’ve never done refunds before when things haven’t been damaged_[,]” _she sputters and rushes off_ - whenever a thought ends, place a period. When there’s a pause, place a comma. If you are issuing who said what, use a comma not a period. Try not to overwrite immediately after dialogue as it can jumble up the pace.
_-“June? _[T]_hat was two months ago_[.] _s there a problem with them?”
-“No[,] they aren’t needed anymore
-I just want to get rid [of these] and get home
-tears are a bit over used when conveying emotion in writing
-strewn across the pages… Strewn means scattered across, usually untidily, so I don’t think it works here

It is hard to believe that a baby store manager (and front service) would be so unfriendly when they are trying to sell baby items. I think they would understand if someone suddenly decided to return all of their items and have a policy for it. And I haven’t encountered a store that required a bulletproof and immediate explanation so long as you have a receipt for the item.
“For some things, there are no refund” that seems a bit cold or misspoken when he’s alluding to his baby boy.

The tone was a bit inconsistent. At first, I thought you were going for Southern, but it drops off after the first paragraph. Also, there were a few technical terms that stuck out in his inner monologue.

Overall, it was a reasonable piece. It had the basic workings of a short and was self-contained with the word count. Be mindful of grammar as it was pretty spotty at times and dropped your score considerably.

Keep at it!

[*]*Anonymous*
*“The Paper Children Escape the Great Broken Heart”*
*Judge Entry*

Ooo, I was hoping to more entries involving magic. I enjoy magical concepts embedded in story, but given the allotted space here, it can leave the reader wanting more rather than develop intrigue.

There were a few grammar and spelling nits:
The paper children [‘]round my feet, [conjugation here] laughter like torn paer bursting from tiny newsprint faces
It’s the worst swear he every heard, yet it’s incomprehensible?
The paper pair rustle [with?] mean, harder laughs… dropping conjugations for stylistic purposes can also disrupt flow as well
away from the little sobs of the wizard – what a wuss
entreat -> treat

There were the odd flourishes that were awkward, e.g., “paper tear laughs”
There were sentence fragments that worked stylistically except for the final sentences. It’s somewhat awkward and you should have just kept the sentence together.

I wonder how small paper children could hold up traffic.  Are these paper children invincible? Does fire and water not harm them? Men who didn’t go with them survived yet the paper children would cut and leave bones and blood? These are a few plot points to consider.

There wasn’t much characterization of either the main character or the wizard. I was hoping for some sort of metaphorical connection between being a wizard and a homeless alcoholic, but it wasn’t really elaborated upon. I also wanted a bit more magic, but that’s just me.

It left me with some unanswered questions; was this reality or the delusions of two homeless guys? Were the paper children a metaphor for something?

Overall, not a bad entry. I would’ve liked a few more layers and explanations to make this a more complete.

[*]*Anonymous*
*“Run”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3.5*
*Effect:  6*
*Overall:  13.5*

Last but not least, another entry from “Anonymous”. And it’s a seasonal entry at that.

There are a few nits:
Frozen to the slabs on the other side… - literally?

‘Look’ he says[.] ‘Look!’ [A]nd nods across – somewhat awkward

… and she’s sat there letting it all in – good to know people are eager spy on her… and a weird time to start adding an accent to the narrative voice

I had to look this up, but snicket is a narrow passage between houses and is a noun, not a verb that fits cutting paper.

... he tells the ones likely to believe him[;] [h]e warns them off.

I would not write run-ons to make a series of actions flow. Periods and conjunctions still work and have similar flow, e.g.
It’s getting darker earlier [.] [T]he leaves are rustling in the trees[.] [H]e can’t quite see the little faces, but he knows they are there

A squeak, a tiny giggle, a chitter[:] he listens hard… - semicolons join two complete sentences together while colons are for lists or joining a complete sentence and an incomplete one that are related to each other.

… and the moonlight catches them[;] [a] row of paper children… –semicolon rule again. Also, he had a really long day at school or it became dark early for the moon to be the primary source of light

Overall, I liked this story; it had a basic but decent plot, was reasonably paced, and some good imagery here and there.
_
_
__[/spoiler2]__
[spoiler2=shinyford’s scores]

*Vendetta5885
“His Legacy"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 15*

As a story, I really liked this. The pathos of John’s situation was palpable. I slightly expected more anger at the situation, but I think the way it was drawn out, the pull-back-and-reveal, worked well.

I marked you down a point on SPaG for consistent use of a comma where a full-stop was appropriate. For example, the first sentence “The wall was almost covered, he started from the top and worked his way down” should have been two, separated at the comma. Apart from that your SPaG was good.

I also felt the tone was quite flat I’m sorry to say – quite a matter of fact description of what was undoubtedly an emotional time. But genuinely, a good story. 



*Ephemeral_one
“A Child’s Day"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

A lovely window into a child’s life. There’s no great narrative journey, but there doesn’t have to be: it’s an vignette rather than a story.

I can’t fault you on SPaG, though I’m not entirely sure about the capitalisation inside speech-marks mid-sentence. Not saying it’s wrong, just that I don’t know and it looks a bit weird to me.

The tone was very gentle. I’m not sure how it could be otherwise considering the subject matter, though – which is why I’ve gone a little lower on the effect. As much as it was nice, it didn’t really take me anywhere as a reader. I enjoyed it, but would like to have more of a journey, I guess.


*W. Goepner
“Paper Children"
Spelling/Grammar: 3 
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11*

I have to say, I had a problem with this, and it’s hard to put my finger on what it is. Part of it is down to little stylistic things, such as the  repeated use of ‘Officer Lee’ to identify the protagonist. Once you’ve established he’s an Officer, the title becomes a bit redundant. But mainly, as a story, it’s entirely fortuitous that he makes the connection, or even that there’s a connection to make; and as such, there’s not that much of a journey. Also, the explanation for why they’re called ‘Paper Children’ feels sellotaped on – I’d have loved that to be important to the plot.

I’ve marked you down a bit for SPaG due to a few uses of comma where other punctuation would have been more appropriate; and also inconsistent capitalisation. 




*Pluralized
“Disregard the Cipher"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

Wow. This was tough – and I mean that in a very good way. I’ve read this three times so far, and still don’t know that I quite get what’s going on. That’s the only reason I’ve marked this down on effect – I *think* the effect is superb, but I’m not sure it’s the effect you meant. As an analogy, I used to perform as a stand up comic, and I learned fairly quickly that an audience would laugh not if they got the joke, but rather only if they thought it was the joke I meant them to get. I could say stuff that I know they got; but until they were confident I meant them to get it, there would be no laughter. I think this is similar.

Genuinely great – but I wish I was confident in what I think I understood of it.




*Ibb
“Papa"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15*

So the tone was good and SPaG absolutely fine. The main problem I had here was that the story finished rather abruptly – or rather, didn’t actually finish but stopped anyway. Again, I think I’d have been happier with it as a story had I 100% understood what was happening. I *think* his real father came back and his step father was arrested – but until I’m 100% confident in that, it won’t be properly satisfying. 

I also feel that the paper children element was somewhat parachuted in – I don’t think the newspaper sellers really added to the main narrative, and didn’t really cement much about the protagonist.

Sorry that’s so negative – you can obviously write, and I believe you can craft a story; it’s just, this didn’t feel like it. Sorry! 




*Emma Sohan
“Hope"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

I welled at this, I really did. The sorrow and pain – and denial – was palpable. SPaG was on the button, and it was really moving. The slight negative on the tone was down to the quite generic voice of narration – nothing wrong with it, and I think I tend to write that way myself in that context. And I guess it reflected the slightly ‘emotionally dead’ aspect of the protagonist. Nonetheless, I think there’s room for more colour.

But either way, really well done. I feel manipulated emotionally, and not in a bad way.




*Mistique
“Paper Children"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

The second time the phrase ‘paper children’ has been used in that context, so I guess it’s a real-world term. 

A fairly straightforward story, but none the worse for that. Tone is good throughout. SPaG is a little bit iffy – a couple of spelling errors, and dodgy capitalisation in places – so a mark down (for which I feel quite guilty, but them’s the rules).

The effect is down a bit too. Basically, the pacing went off towards the end: it became quite rushed, and finished with a lot of exposition rather than actual story. It’s not easy in 650 words, I know, but I’d have felt better with more consistent pacing even if that means a little more exposition earlier (and a little less later).




*ASWright
“No Refunds"
Spelling/Grammar: 3 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 15*

Another really sad one, and I think the final reveal was very well handled. It wasn’t obvious, at least to me, what was going on until right at that point.

SPaG felt a little off – although I accept you were trying to write in the protagonist’s spoken idiolect. I used this part of the score to reflect what I think was a structural problem: you sort-of repeat what you’re telling me three times. First the protagonist says what he expects the shop assistant manager to do; then they do it; then he tells his wife they’ve done it.


I also think the ‘paper children’ prompt was parachuted in again, and didn’t necessarily add to the plot. Having said that, I think the way you’ve used it is a brilliant metaphor, so kudos for that.


*Kyle R
“Creased"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall: *

Great, believable horror SF, great tone and no SPaG issues. Were I marking, I would mark this down on effect just because, again, I’m not sure where the story left me. It feels unfinished. I want to know if Jenks really was a Gronie pervert, or if he actually was combatting the system by giving the kids the tools they need to save themselves from both grones and the system alike. I want to know what journey Lina went on – cos this is her story, not Jenks’s. Not easy in 650 words, I grant you – but that’s the story you started so that’s the story I want.

Which is not to say I didn’t love it, cos I did. 




*Godofwine
“The Orphanage"
Spelling/Grammar: 5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

A good story, and fine SPaG and tone. Effect and tone down a little because while the outcome was satisfying I wasn’t emotionally moved by it. And this sort of subject matter should move me. But it’s close, I think.




*Anonymous
“The Collector"
Spelling/Grammar: 5 
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

Well, what can I say? A great piece of horror, beautifully put together and paced. Genuinely disturbing, but also very satisfying – the horror happens to the one who deserves it, which isn’t often the case. (Not to forget the dawning in the mind of the reader as to the horror that the deservee  has himself perpetrated.) Really well done for 650 words.




*spartan928
“Paper, Children"
Spelling/Grammar: 5 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

I proper loved this. Beautiful little reveal left right to the end – and I genuinely didn’t spot where the story was going till it happened. Almost a lol, honestly; certainly an openly wry smile. I think the effect was good; the tone, a little generic. But a story I connected with: it made me laugh. Nice one.




*midnightpoet
“Children on Paper"
Spelling/Grammar: 5 
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

So, while I can see there’s a story here, it felt top heavy. There was an awful lot of exposition and dialogue at the beginning, and then a very rushed ending. IMHO a story with the potential to be as powerful as this one should be pared back to the bone. I couldn’t find any problems with SPaG, which is a big plus in my book; but like I say, it was a bit too much tell rather than show, and a bit rushed at the end.



*thepancreas11
“Charity"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

A nice little (im)morality tale, with Carl’s huge double standards a lovely reveal at the end. As with so many stories this month, there’s little to fault with SPaG – although I did love the idea of “wonton natural destruction” which is surely something that only happens When Dim-Sum Attacks. 

Tone was good, but could have been a little more, I don’t know, vivid. I guess I look for a little bit more poetry to language use for a full 5 there – but of course, that’s subjective. Overall effect was a solid short with a good reveal. Felt like a full story, which is tough in 650 words.



*Ari
“Ashes, Dust and Paper Cuts"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

Another horror story – the prompt seemed ripe for them this time – and again done nicely. A full story, good use of language (hence the high tone score) and no SPaG problems to speak of. And the overall effect was chilling. I think the only gap, for me, is what happens next. Of course there’s no obligation for a short story to go there; and the old adage of ‘leave them wanting more’ has merit. However, for all that I could see that the story had completed, I think I want to know what the ghost’s winning actually meant. 



*InkwellMachine
“She Gave Me No Tears" 
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

A lovely little conceit this, a state-of-the-nation from a writer’s dropped character. I think the tone worked well here – it was quite slight, almost generic, and I know I’ve marked down elsewhere for exactly that; however here, for some reason, that conveyed a hidden anger and menace really well. Overall effect was good too, albeit without the emotional connect I got elsewhere, which I guess is going to happen with the slightly less real-world story. But overall this worked for me.



*Shinyford
“The Paper Children Escape the Great Broken Heart"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall:*

Yeah, well. Meant to be an homage to the first story of Leyline’s I read. Not convinced it worked.



*Anonymous
“Run"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

So, I can’t fault this for SPaG and the tone was good, going that little bit above and beyond standard description to create a bit of poetry and colour to the words – which as I’ve said elsewhere works rather well for me.


But for some reason I didn’t attach to the story. I think it might be that this is a bit of a well-worn trope, albeit with the inclusion of the prompt’s paper children as a device. Don’t get me wrong, the horror is well handled – but there’s something lacking, and I think it’s motivation. I don’t know why Blind Annie is doing what she’s doing . I mean, I can guess – but most scary old ladies just ignore kids who run past, so if there’s something else to it I want to know what. So I think what I think is: this works as a story, but feels somehow a little incomplete.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=kilroy214’s scores]

*Kyle R.
Creases

SPaG:* ‘familiar’ misspelled
*Tone: 
Effect:
Total:*

To be honest, I did not expect to see a sci fi story in this month’s LM and it was rather refreshing.  I thought the story itself was interesting and almost felt as though it was a story within a story.  The world that this was set in felt like it was a broad set and we were seeing a fraction of what was going on at the moment.  In fact, my only problem with this story, really, is that it felt like we were missing just a little bit too much information to go on. And the information that we are given (ie about the Gronies) is kind of dumped on the reader and tells rather than shows.
The world sounds interesting and well thought out, and I would be interested to see ‘Gronies’ again in future reading.


*Vendetta5885
His Legacy

SPaG: 3.5
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12.5*

I had a feeling I would see a lot of orphanage-themed story this LM, and while His Legacy is a story about and orphanage, it is was one I did not expect.  There were a few SPaG and dialogue tag issues…

“They made this place and their memories will keep…” – should be ‘would’ keep.

“…, its time to go.” She said – should be “…it’s time to go,” she said.

“…sound of their echoed foot steps…” – should be ‘footsteps’ (one word)

“…written across their body’s…” – should be ‘bodies’.

I also thought the bit of dialogue that starts off “Don’t know, don’t care.” Sounded a little strange and out of place, especially the comment about ‘not being able to put a number on something like that’. 
I would think that how many children they helped adopted out and how many they took and were taking care of would be a very important number to them, and would be something they would know right off the top of their heads.  And if he truly feels that it was never about the number anyway, which I think sounds like a very legitimate thing he could say and feel, I think the dialogue would be stronger if that was all he said, cutting the bit about ‘not putting a number on it” entirely.


*Ephemeral_One
A Child’s Day

SPaG: 4.75 
Tone: 3
Effect: 4
Total:  11.75*

This piece struck me a strange introspective look at roughly five minutes of a child’s play time.  I have to admit though; this story really did not do anything for me.  It was brief enough that using the term ‘mockery of human form’ felt redundant, and the term ‘sad flamenco’ felt like a questionable simile. All in all, it just felt like a very strange stream of consciousness than a clear story.


*W Goepner
Paper Children

SPaG: 1
Tone: 2
Effect: 2
Total: 5*

First of all, the overall idea is not bad. The idea of a long lost child reconnecting with his family and a police officer moving a file into the ‘solved’ folder that doesn’t involve a homicide or kidnapping is a great story.  This story, however, is just in need of some overhaul, and I’m not trying to say “This is what’s wrong with your story; this is how you fix it.” After reading this, you can tell me to blow t out my ass.

First off, the entire first paragraph can be cut completely.  It feels like an information dump, and if a reader doesn’t know what a cold case file is, it is their job to look it up and inform themselves, it is not your responsibility to give them a detailed explanation, which is all the first paragraph is.  It is a big information dump that is not needed.

The second paragraph is very oddly worded, have some tense issues at the beginning of the second sentence and I would like to point it out now, officer is a title, like president, or mayor.  Put in front of someone’s name, it becomes capitalized, like President Obama, or Mayor Carcetti; it should read Officer Lee.

One night, one of the cases came to light, - came to light doesn’t sound like a good term to use, perhaps one of the cases caught his eye, or grabbed his attention.

Right in font of him –  in front

he saw the face of the victims, or missing persons. – well, is he a victim, or a missing person.  Also, it’s just one guy, so the singular of both terms can be used, not the plural.

The boy accused his parents – I think if the boy said his adoptive parents, it should say it here, not the next sentence.  And it is adoptive parents, not adopted parents.  Adopted parents makes it sound like the boy adopted his mother and father, and not the other way around.

Looking for the the one – only one ‘the’ needed here.

Was this was this boy. – only one ‘was this’ needed here.

He presented the case to the chief detective – Chief Detective is not a thing. It does not exist. He would take this to his Lieutenant who in turn would hand it over to his Captain who would take it to the Captain or Major in charge of the homicide or missing persons unit. Also, Officer Lee is more than likely a Sergeant to be working an office job like he is, rather than just an officer.

A two city effort, at different ends of the nation – how about just telling us what two cities?

Lee was accommodated – I think you meant to say he was given a commendation.

Pulling it out to set it strait – should be straight.

Previous officer in charge – this is used twice, and both times, it would make more sense to just come up with an actual character name, especially since she has dialogue in the story. Moreover, which is one word, her dialogue sounds canned as if she’s reading from a script and does not sound natural at all.

At the end of this story, I found myself also asking the question; how does a child get adopted without his real parents not knowing what the hell happened? And isn’t it rather common that adopted children don’t know where or who their real parents are, and vice versa?


*Godofwine
The Orphanage

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
Total:  13.5*

The Orphanage is a tale of a wrong being righted in an extreme sense, which is not bad; I liked the end that Mrs. Blair came to.
As far as SPaG is concerned, there is not much wrong here, and I congratulate you on this as you’ve explained this was an area in writing that you needed work on.  For the most part, it is fairly clean.  The only things I really stuck out to me were commas that should have been and commas that shouldn’t.
Also, in such a passionate tale where most of the dialogue is delivered in shouts and screams, there were virtually no exclamation points used at all when most lines could have used one.

As for the story itself, it felt almost too over the top. To me it felt like a 40’s or 50’s Superman radio serial, like it was going to shout out, “Willie! He stands for truth, justice and the American way!” I just think it could have been a little more subtle. Especially the line about Eddie being like a brother to Willie…

“…but how could he protect his brother from her?”

It feels like it needs a “DUN DUN DUNNNNN!” sound effect after it.  To me it really ruins the buildup of tension for just bad foreshadowing.

“Thundering stomps pounded the stairs as if each on had insulted her.” – this is a case where I think saying each ‘child’ instead of each ‘one’, because it made me stop and think “each what insulted her? Each stair-step of each child?”

“…the ball Eddie threw took a sideways kick,” – ‘bounce’ instead of ‘kick’ maybe.

“You only belong to me on paper because nobody else wants you.” – I felt like this line just did not need to be in the story.  It felt like it was just trying to tie the story in with the prompt, especially since the next sentence is more terrifying to these kids anyway.
This paragraph also ends with ‘,she screamed.’ Every line in her tirade should end with an exclamation point. This is an example of where they could have been used to great effect.

“Say goodbye to your fellow rats.” – This is the third time she’s called these kids rats in two exchanges of dialogue. For being a mega-bitch, she sure does have some clean language. Either that or she just loves James Cagney.

“The transfer was instantaneous…” – Just no. This could simply read “His eyes filled with anger (or rage) as hers filled with fear (or terror).” 

.”…the 10 year-old’s arms met the woman’s hip…” – I think it should be his outstretched hands or fists even, as arms was just used a few words ago in the sentence, and arms wouldn’t be the first thing to reach her anyway.

…”as the boy’s shoulders wracked with tears.” – Shoulders can cry?

“He peered over his shoulder…” – Who peered over whom here?

“It’s going to be alright. She’s not going to hurt you anymore. I promise.” – …well, until Mr. Blair gets home. I know, she was single, or a widow, but with a title like Mrs. it just kind of leaves that possibility open for speculation.

This story also left me asking the question “What now?” Do they all get sent to different foster homes or orphanages now? Do Eddie and Willie get split up? Who is the real winner in all this? It is true that Willie won a victory here but righting an injustice, but compared to what they face now, how great a victory is it?


*Pluralized
Disregard the Cipher

SPaG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16*

I will be the first to admit, I did not understand this story.  That is okay though, I will also be the first to admit that you don’t have to understand a story to enjoy it. I thought the exchanges between the Small One, Pupils and Lanky were well worded and the description was beautiful in detail, I especially like the “Sixteen socky-footed steps…” line.
However, this was just a little too far out there for me. I wanted so badly to understand what was going on in this story, but I just could not make sense of it, especially the ending.  I kind of thought the kids at the beginning were pictures on the walls trying to escape, but by the end, I was starting to think Mom duke was just a psycho killer of children.


*Anonymous
The Collector

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 16.5*

The Collector was a nice change of pace for me in this LM. I was happy to see a few horror-esque stories were submitted that made use of this prompt.
SPaG was pretty clean, there was nothing glaring, but I would suggest that this line,

“Where before, the vague, nearly featureless faces had been staring straight ahead, like paper dolls, now they seemed to be turned toward him like silent students in an underground classroom.”

As it stands now, this felt like a very long sentence, and I think it could be a good idea to turn this into two separate sentences without losing any snap to the story.

“…,ten pair of paper eyelids…” – ‘pairs’.

“with a living…seething blackness,” – I understand the use of the ellipses here, you want a major pause, but I don’t think their use is the way to go. I think by this point there is enough tension built up that a simple comma would suffice.
Like I said, tension this high, the reader is practically racing to see what happens next, and slowing them down is only going to make them angry.

This story was filled with terror and suspense, I loved that about the story, but there was one thing I didn’t love and it was how confusing it was. Confusion came from what the hell kind of collector was this guy. Was he a serial child murderer, kidnapper, pedophile, all of the above.  It’s never clearly stated (it kind of feels like it’s implied, but not very much) and this woman who is providing these ‘collector pieces’, who is she and what is here stake in this story? For me there was just too much left unanswered and it left me feeling somewhat jipped at the end.  I mean, it was an awesome story and all, but did this guy really deserve what happened to him? I would like to think he did, but again, I don’t know.


*Spartan928
Paper, Children

SPaG: 4.75
Tone: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 16.75*

Something tells me young Edgar will be repeating the second grade.  I thought this was a very well thought and well executed take on the prompt. I have to say, I could empathize with Edgar, and I think a lot of reads could too, which is a great aspect of this story; it makes a connection.
The only SPaG issue I saw was the third to last paragraph that starts out, “Edgar draw a large arc…” I think it should read, “Edgar drew…”
This was a very nice piece, and a joy to read.


*thapancreas11
CHARITY

SPaG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16*

Midway through this story I began asking myself the question, “When is Carl’s punk ass going to get shanked?” I think it is a safe bet that many of us at one point or another have ran into a person like this and can feel for the passengers who had to put up with Carl-like squabbling.  
I had an issue with the dialogue tags ending with periods instead of commas.  Because it is consistent throughout I can assume it was stylistically intentional, therefore, I did not take off a point for punctuation error.
However, it did distract me from the piece, and stylistically intentional or not, it took something away from the work rather than add anything to it, in my opinion.

I was also a little confused as to why no one told Carl to F*** off. Maybe I have a skewed view of New Yorkers, but I’ve been lead to believe they aren’t the kind of people to try talking into a corner. I can see the two people he lassoed into conversation trying to be polite an understanding if this took place in the Midwest perhaps, but on a crowded New York train, I was thinking, of all people, how come the man checking his phone or the woman with the headphones tell the old jerk to blow it out his ass.

I liked the ending, in showing that Carl is really nothing more than a hypocrite, but by this point, in my mind, he’s become somewhat an antagonist, and it would have been nice to see him get his just desserts.


*midnightpoet
Children on Paper

SPaG: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 13*

This was an interesting tale of revenge, and after seeing so many tales of abused or disenfranchised children, this one takes it in a different direction.
I noticed a possible inconsistency. Shawn is mentioned as being pudgy, but later in the story we’re told that they live on sandwiches and canned soup. If they’re malnourished, I think describing them as skin and bones is a better way to get this point across.
Some issues I had, however, the line about Shawn telling his sister she had a nice ass was pretty awkward to me.  Even if he was joking, that just sounded off putting and kind of killed the story for me, especially since she had just stated that their mother’s current boyfriend was looking her up and down last they met.

In any case, there was a decent lead up to the ending, but the ending just kind of whooshed past up.  Starting at, “The kids waited until Mama smoked…” until the end, I just feels lie the Greek Choir told us how the story ended, and CPS came in Deus Ex Machina style and delivered the children from their purgatory.


*Ibb
Papa

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14.5*

This story had me hooked right away, and I could tell there was a wisp of mystery about it.  I thought telling it from a young boy’s point of view was a great choice and I thought the take on the prompt was excellent.
A few SPaG nags, the word after using ellipses in a sentence are not capitalized. Other than that, SPaG looked rather clean.
My only issue with this story was that the ending doesn’t feel liked an ending. More like it just cuts off and we never get to see the final conclusion, and the reader is left with the mysterious last bit of dialogue.


*Ari
Ashes, Dust and Paper Cuts

SPaG: 4.75  (torch misspelt as ‘touch’) 
Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Total: 19.75*

This story was a great tale of terror, and I enjoyed every word of it.  This was a perfect choice for your style and it really hits on all cylinders here.
My only suggestion is this…

“You can’t go.”
Its voice was girlish and petulant.
“You can’t just go away.  We could play a game.”

Should all be in one line like this…

“You can’t go,” its voice was girlish and petulant. “You can’t just go away.  We could play a game.”

As three separate lines, it looks like an attempt to build tension and suspense, and this story already has more than enough of both. All this is going to do is slow the reader down, who is trying to read as fast as they can to reach the climax, and this only serves to get in their way of that.

All in all this was a great submission and a great read.


*EmmaSohan
HOPE

SPaG: 4.5 (Jenny or Jennie?)
Tone: 5
Effect: 9.5
Total: 19*

I have to say, I was surprised by this story.  I especially liked the ending, where it seems she’s lost in her psychosis for good, mainly because she seems happier there.
This came across to me as a sad and emotional tale, but it also feels like there is some horror creeping in around the edges. And it isn’t overly sad and desperately emotional either and the story kind of tells itself.
The only issue I had other than the misspelling of a character’s name was when she starts singing to drown out her husband. I though the text of singing should have been formatted somehow, in parenthesis or italicized or even given quotation marks.
Other than that, I thought this was a very well written story, and was a joy to read.


*Mistique
Paper children

SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14*

I thought this was an interesting story told from an interesting point of view.  It kind of gives the reader a view of an aspect of child services we normally wouldn’t get to see.
Some issues I found;

“The room only barely…” – the word ‘only’ can be cut from this.

Sharon said.  “  what’s wrong?” – should be “Sharon said, “what’s wrong?”

“…would mean loosing her as clearly…” – should be “losing”, not “loosing”.

“…the voice spoke. “but that man isn’t nice.” – this needs to either be (…spoke. “But that…) or (…spoke, “but that…)

“On each of its pedals Sharon had written…” – should be  ‘petals, Sharon’

The story itself was pretty straightforward, but it was done in a way that held my interest and it did not get boring or confusing.  Well done.


*InkwellMachine
She Gave Me No Tears

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Total:  20*

From beginning to end, this was a great piece. I thought the narration and detailed description was flawless. My hat’s off to you, this was a truly amazing tale.


*ASWright
No Refunds

SPaG: 2
Tone: 2
Effect: 2
Total: 6*

This story felt very much like it was trying to pull at heart strings for emotion and sadness, but did not seem to hit the mark, for me.  There were a lot of issues, especially spelling and punctuation wise. Also a lot of things that just didn’t make sense to me.

‘I’m sorry sir but we can’t refund without a good reason.’ – There should be a comma between Sir and But, and also, why is this guy’s next line not “Why the hell not?”

“…the dense girl, well pretty and dense girl…” – should be either ‘well…pretty but dense girl’ or just be ‘pretty, although dense’ altogether.  Also, him calling her dense kind of makes him look like a dick.
“…for a bit runs off for the manager.” – should be a comma between Bit and Runs.

“The manager who it turns out would rather have food poisoning, then give up one of his precious notes almost like…” – there should be commas around ‘who it turns out’, the comma after poisoning doesn’t need to be there, ‘then’ should be ‘than’ and what are manager notes?

‘um, no, sorry, ill um just get the manager. I’ve never done a refund before when things haven’t been damaged.’ she sputters and rushes off. – should be ‘Um, no. Sorry, I’ll, um, just get the manager. I’ve never done a refund before when things haven’t been damage,’ she sputters and rushes off. (also, I thought the manager had already been summoned by this point)

Seems my guess was right. – what guess?

“I would like to return these items I bought in June, if possible.’ – haven’t they told him already it wasn’t possible?

‘June? that was two… - ‘that’ should be capitalized.

‘No they are fine.’ – No, they are fine.

‘We can’t give money back just because you changed your mind’ – needs to be some punctuation here to end this sentence, also, again, Why the hell can’t they give a refund because a person changed his mind.

‘…it isn’t about the money.’ – Then why is he trying to return it? Why not donate it?

‘…trying to be strong about getting shot…’ – what?

‘We lost out again babe…” – what does this mean.

This just seemed like an unfinished product, to the point that it distracted me several times over from what I was even reading. It kind of felt like a longer version of ‘For sale, baby shoes, never worn.”
Also, I really don’t see how this story ties in with the prompt at all.


*Anonymous
The Paper Children Escape the Great Broken Heart
 Judge Entry*

This was an interesting, albeit confusing story.  I did not really understand what I was reading for the most part, and while the description was done very well I just felt like I was reading someone’s journey through an acid trip.
SPaG was pretty clean, although there was an instance when Magic was misspelled as Magick and Entreat should have been Entreaty.


*Anonymous
Run

SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14.5*

This was a nice little gem of a horror story in this month’s prompt that I found enjoyable for the most part.
SPaG issues I had, foremost, I don’t think snicketing is a word. There were a couple punctuation errors as well.
My only other issue is when he’s walking home from school, and he sees moonlight catch off the row of paper children, I couldn’t help but think, “Moonlight? What time does school let out? Midnight?”
I thought the story itself was quite good, and fun to read, but it was just little things like that that kept me from enjoying it more.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=amsawtell’s scores]

*Author: *Kyle R
*Title:  *Creased

*SPaG:  *
*Tone:  *
*Effect:  *
*Overall:  *
This was an interesting and subtle sci-fi story.

*Review:*

I found it difficult to identify with either of these main characters and I wasn’t entirely certain who I should have been trying to identify with—Lina or Melro.  This distinction would be important for this story as it felt that you were trying to make a greater point, as so much science fiction does.  Melro is an unreliable character as we’re told he’s beaten nearly unto death at the beginning of the story.  Lina is an untrustworthy character as we know she is ruthless in the pursuit of her goals (broke a superior’s wrist to get a “good assignment) and that she may not be working towards the betterment of any but herself.  So who am I, as a reader, supposed to believe?  Melro in that the dome that this society lives in is stealing their freedom or Lina in that this dome offers protection?  Or is it a bit of both?  Perhaps these two characters are too close to this moment in this story and the story needs to be pulled back from both of them and given to a third, impartial character?

Whatever you decide I found the story intriguing.  I want to know more about this society and this setting.  I found only a few mistakes as far as SPaG goes.

*“The patrolmen could’ve showed some restraint . . .” *
“The patrolmen could’ve shown some restraint.”

*“ . . . Are you familiar . . .”*
Familiar


*Author: *Vendetta5885
*Title:  *His Legacy

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *2/5
*Effect:  *5/10
*Overall:  *10/20

I found the actions of John interesting—hanging cut-out children and writing the names of children across them for each of the children he remembered during his tenure at the orphanage before it was shut down is an interesting concept.

*Review:*

The oddest thing about this story is that there are only two physical characters and only one of those is named.  The only other name in this story is given to a character that we never see—there is no description other than a smile at a memory of this character.  Because you’re trying to work so tightly to emotion but fail to name the secondary character and fail to let us see the memory of the tertiary the emotions fall flat.
The relationship of John and “She” is highly ambiguous and fairly strange as well—are they husband and wife?  Co-workers and friends?  The actions between the two (he calls her “honey,” she hugs him, they walk down the hall hand in hand) all seem to point towards the latter rather than the former.  What kind of facility allows a husband and wife to work together like that?

*“ . . . the employees were told that the orphanage sold . . .”*
“ . . . the employees were told that the orphanage had sold . . .”

*“They made this place and their memories will keep this place alive, at least for him it would.”*
“They made this place and their memories would keep this place alive, at least for him it would.”

*“Can’t put a number on something like that . . .”*
Like what?

*“ . . . just the sound of their echoed foot steps.”*
Footsteps is one word.

*“ . . . different names written across their body’s . . .”*
Bodies.

I would also find another way to describe his writing—the description of his writing isn’t something that really needs repeated to begin with but the way it’s repeated it seems to have been copy/pasted into the story.


*Author: *Ephemeral_One
*Title:  *A Child’s Day

*SPaG:  *4/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *2/10
*Overall: *9/20 

I liked the innocent use of paper children in this story.  It’s a nice change from the “disenfranchised/abused children” themes most of this competition’s stories follow.

*Review:*

I found this boring.  If the language had fit the child’s voice or if there had been more to the story it may have worked better.  There was too much “high language” for the subject matter and too little substance for the language used.  


*Author: *W. Goepner
*Title:  *Paper Children

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *2/5
*Effect:  *3/10
*Overall:  *8/20

I like that this had a happy ending.

*Review:*

Overall, this read more like an essay on police “cold cases” than as fiction and would serve better if you’d used specific details and names—what cities?  What’s the lieutenant’s name?  What is the kid’s name—adopted or original?  What about the other officer’s name? 

Speaking of the other officer, her dialogue felt stiff and unnatural.  Is she a robot?  It’d be really cool if this was a sci-fi all along and she’s a robot.

There are a lot of grammatical errors—the most consistent being that the title of “officer” is not capitalized before Lee’s name.  There are also problems within the plot of adoptive parents; if this kid knows that he’s adopted and has access to social media then it’s implied that he is legally adopted and not kidnapped.  I would maybe change that to reflect that the officer recognized the kid from a photo they had on file.  


*Author: *godofwine
*Title:  *The Orphanage

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *4/10
*Overall:  *10/20


*Review:*

Why would someone go so crazy over a thrown ball? Does anyone like Mrs. Blair really exist—especially in an institution that is highly regulated?  I’m not saying an orphanage is a happy upbringing and that the guardians wouldn’t or couldn’t be cruel but Mrs. Blair would know (and so would the kids) that tearing up their “paper” wouldn’t get rid of them.  Unless something is really wrong at this orphanage there will also be some serious consequences to Mrs. Blair’s murder.  Again, these kids would know that.


*Author: *Pluralized
*Title:  *Disregard the Cipherby

*SPaG:  *5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *16/20

This was really quite unsettling.

*Review:*

I really can’t say anything but that I don’t really know what’s going on in this story.  I felt like maybe they were children cut out of pictures and that they came to life but by the end they were real children and Mom Dukes was a serial killer?  I don’t know and I’m not sure that I want to.


*Author: *Anonymous Entry
*Title:  *The Collector

*SPaG:  *4/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *8/10
*Overall:  *17/20

Creepy as all get-out.  

*Review:*

The only grammatical issues I see are at the end.  Otherwise this is a very well-thought out and concise take on this prompt.

*“ . . . ten pair of paper eyelids . . .”*
That’s “ten pairs.”

The ellipses at the end of the story are not needed and interrupt the flow of the story’s climax.  I would drop them.


*Author: *Spartan928
*Title:  *Paper, Children

*SPaG:  *3.5/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *14.5/20

Kind of sweet.  I knew a few kids like Edgar.

*Review:*

Though this is very sweet and does say something about the way creativeness is repressed in a classroom.  You have a good sense of word use and you know how to create a simple, honest moment with little fanfare.  This falls short as there’s no emotional punch.  I like the story, I like how sweet and honest it is but I don’t have an emotional attachment.

*“ . . . lengthwise and started and the whiteness of it.”*

“And” should be “at.”

*“Stick moms and dads holding stick kids hands . . .”*

Kids really should have an apostrophe.  It is a possessive in this case and not a plural.

*“Edgar draw a large arc . . .”*

Draw is the wrong tense for this story.  Should be “drew.”


*Author: *thepancreas11
*Title:  *CHARITY

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect:  *7/10
*Overall:  *14/20

Well written, just a bit too preachy for my tastes.

*Review:*

I like that you had something to say with this story but I found Carl a little over-bearing (don’t get me wrong, I’ve met people just like him).  There are quite a few places where your dialogue is mis-tagged and in the Philippines those storms are called typhoons.

*“ . . . the book sat closed now upon his lap . . .”*

“ . . . the book sat, closed now, upon his lap . . .”

*“ . . . towards his law office and waited to for the signal . . .”*

“ . . . towards his law office and waited for the signal . . .”


*Author: *midnightpoet
*Title:  *Children on Paper

*SPaG:  *5/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *14/20

I saw no grammatical errors, great job on clean-up.

*Review:*

While I agree that children in such a situation can be quite adult this is crazy mature.  These don’t sound like kids—of any situation.  They have a great vocabulary for children in this situation and considering that I’ve known my share of kids like this, well, it’s not believable.

I also thought, given the leering glance from Billy, that Candi’s plan to get rid of him was going to be a lot worse than implying that Alice was seeing another man.  The incest joke was creepy and oddly placed.

The ending was also implausible.  Would these children have gone to the same foster home or group home—which is more likely as they’re smoking, making sexual innuendos, and generally acting like pint-size, jaded, adults.  I also had to wonder about the plausibility of them still being with their mother at that age, especially if she’s that bad.  There are quite a few checks and balances on welfare and, though some fall through the cracks, this house would have been closely watched.


*Author: *Ibb
*Title:  *Papa

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect:  *7/10
*Overall:  *14/20

This was well written.

*Review:*

Where’s the ending?  There’s no indication in this story that this boy didn’t look like his parents.  I get what you were doing but I think, in the word restraint, you may have been better served by cutting out the exchange with the paperboy and expanding upon the actual story.  I’m also a little thrown by the fact that, for whatever reason, these kidnappers had a photo album of the boy with his real father.

I’m not a fan of the ellipses used in dialogue the way you’ve used them.  The first word after an ellipses shouldn’t be capitalized as ellipses indicate a long pause in dialogue and not a change in sentence.


*Author: *Ari
*Title:  *Ashes, Dust and Paper Cuts

*SPaG:  *4/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *10/10
*Overall:  *18.75/20

This was very creepy.  I liked the tone of this quite a bit.

*Review:*

There are only a few spots that needed correcting for grammar.  Otherwise this is a very sharp and concise horror story.

*“ . . . swallowing the light of his touch . . .”*

If he can produce light by touch, cool.  If not then it should be torch.

The first bit of dialogue for the ghost girl needs to be on one line as she continues speaking and a new paragraph is not needed at that point.


*Author: *EmmaSohan
*Title:  *HOPE

*SPaG:  *4/5
*Tone:  *5/5
*Effect:  *9/10
*Overall:  *18/20

This story nearly made me cry--very sad and evocative piece, well done.

*Review:*

There are a few places where the formatting or the grammar needs work.  The most glaring and obvious is the switch between Jenny/Jennie—pick one and stick with it.  She’s your main character and she should have a steady name.  The second piece was when she starts singing.  There is nothing to differentiate the lyrics of the song from the narrative.

Otherwise, I quite like this story and would love to see more like this.


*Author: *Mistique
*Title:  *Paper Children

*SPaG:  *3.5/5
*Tone:  *3/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *12.5/20

This was well-paced with just the right amount of tension.

*Review:*

This was a great perspective from which to write this story.  There are only a few things I would suggest and a few grammatical issues to address.  

First, I would suggest breaking up the solid block of paragraph at the beginning a bit because reading it all the way it sits is a bit on the dull side but otherwise the grammar, pacing, and use of the information within this paragraph is essential to the story.

Second, I would break up that ending paragraph a bit as well.  The way the beginning and the end look on the page it seems like you have a delicate glass sculpture trying to prop apart two heavy bricks.  I know that the way the story looks isn’t necessarily important but it affects the way the story is read.  Some of this information can be dispersed throughout the rest of the story where it’s a bit thin.

*“The small office only barely . . .”*

Only can be cut.  Barely is more than sufficient to explain the size of the office.

*“ . . . Sharon said “ what’s wrong?”*

“ . . . Sharon said, ‘what’s wrong?’”

There’s an extra space between the first quotation there and “what’s” and there needs to be a comma after “said.”

*“ . . . asking would mean loosing her .”*

“ . . . asking would mean losing her.”

*“On each of its pedals Sharon had . . . “*

“On each of its petals, Sharon had . . .”


*Author: *InkwellMachine
*Title:  *She Gave Me No Tears

*SPaG:  *5/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect:  *8/10
*Overall:  *17/20

This is well written and I see no grammatical errors.

*Review:*

I like the perspective of this story and as a writer it makes me think.  It felt a little preachy which brought the tone down a bit for me.


*Author: *ASWright
*Title:  *No Refunds

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *13/20

This is quite sad.

*Review:*

There are a few places where the grammar and pacing get out of control but otherwise this is a fairly solid story.  Your dialogue formatting is a problem.  You haven’t dropped capitalization elsewhere in the story so why do it when someone speaks?  You’re also inconsistent with this formatting and capitalize some things in dialogue but not others.  There’s a lack of punctuation in some places in dialogue but not in others.  Pick a format and keep it constant.

*“ . . . the dense girl, well pretty and dense . . .”*

This reads awkwardly.  I would tweak the punctuation to make it read differently.  Maybe try “ . . . the dense girl, well . . . pretty and dense . . .” or something similar.

*“ . . . rather have food poisoning, then give up . . .”*

Lose the comma, and it’s than, not then.  Also, what are manager notes?

There are quite a few other examples of this sort of problem where commas are in the wrong place. 

I’m also confused as to why the man(?) in a relationship being shot means they can’t have children—or why that means his wife miscarried.  If this is lesbian couples then indicate that the speaker is female—I, as a reader, have no reason to assume this is a lesbian couple and won’t automatically associate with that reasoning without you, as a writer, telling me to do so.


*Author: *Anonymous Entry
*Title:  *The Paper Children Escape the Great Broken Heart
*Judge Entry*

This was interesting and different but not confusing.

*Review:*

I’m not really sure what the point of this story is or what’s going on.  I feel like there’s a bigger story lurking here and I’m just not given enough information.

The first use of the word “magick/magic” is spelled “magick” but this is the only instance of it being spelled thus.  I would drop the “k” to keep the word spelled consistently.

*“He recoils in pain and whimper . . .”*

“He recoils in pain and whimpers . . .”


*Author: *Anonymous Entry
*Title:  *Run

*SPaG:  *3/5
*Tone:  *4/5
*Effect:  *6/10
*Overall:  *13/20

This was creepy and strange in a good way.

*Review:*

There are quite a few problems here grammatically and there are some logistical problems within the story as well.

*“ . . . ran past and watched its little rasping breaths . . .”*

I thought Annie was blind.  If she’s blind how can she watch this?

*“’Look,’ he says, ‘Look!”*
The second look doesn’t need to be capitalized.

*“ . . . little paper dollies, at first glance . . .”*

Move this to the beginning of the sentence.

*“Snip snip snip . . .”*

There needs to be some sort of different formatting or punctuation here.

*“ . . . corner towards home and the moonlight catches them . . . “*

Isn’t it a bit late to be getting out of school if the moon is up and lighting the street
[/spoiler2]_


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## Mistique (Nov 4, 2014)

Congratulations InkwellMachine, I really loved your story.

Thank you so much to the judges. I have never been in a competition before and when I see your scores and comments I realize just how much work it must have been for you to do this. Thank you so much for that. It was well worth the wait.


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## Pluralized (Nov 4, 2014)

Great job, Inkwell Professor Machine! Great work Emma, and Ari too. Your stories were superb.

I'm happy to have placed fifth among such great competition. Should have done a more straightforward job storytelling I guess, but I was having fun exploring a new style. Thanks to all you judge-types. And thanks Fin for doing all the legwork on this thing!


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## Bishop (Nov 4, 2014)

Nice work, Inkwell! Had a feeling this one would play into your stronger suits  Congrats to all who made the top three and great work from everyone who entered!


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## Terry D (Nov 4, 2014)

As always, my heartfelt thanks to the judges. Your comments on my story were amazingly consistent--you all caught my screw-ups lol.

Guy Faukes -- The woman in this story is my 'Gray Lady' first introduced as the proprietor of a pawn shop in the 'For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn' LM a couple of years ago. I come back to her shop from time to time. She's intended to be a bit mysterious and unnatural.

Shinyford -- Thanks for the good words. I'm a product of my early reading choices where the bad guy always got what was coming to him (usually in a particularly gristly manner). A lot like _Creepshow_.

Kilroy214 -- I saw the missing 's' from "pairs" after the ten minute grace period. I'm not sure if using the singular here is a regional thing, or just a peculiarity of my own, but it seems natural for me to say, and write, "ten pair of shoes". That is something for me to work on. The ellipsis was also a mistake--I rely on them too heavily at times. My hope was that the line: *"But she did look like Audriana, or, at least what Audriana had looked like before the salt and formaldehyde."*would be the tip-off as to his nature, but I need to make it a bit more clear. Maybe I'll rewrite this one and expand a bit.

amsawtell -- I promise to always add that 's' to pairs in the future, and to better watch how my use of ellipsis affects... my pacing.

I learned several valuable lessons from this month's entry. That was well worth the price of admission, and then some.

Congratulations to InkwellMachine, EmmaSohan, and Ari for their well deserved positions on the podium. And thanks again to the judges for your time and work.


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## Ephemeral_One (Nov 4, 2014)

Thank you, judges. This time I challenged myself to leave out dialogue and keep it as minimalist as possible. In doing so, I was curious to see how much my reader filled in. I'll leave it to the judges to think about what it says about yourself that you interpreted this work as you did. Pulling back the curtain a bit, my piece was actually about a school shooting. Not one in particular but on the complete mental break I believe one would have to undergo to commit such an act.

The opening paragraph is the first shots fired. The child in question doesn't see the others as people anymore. They're just, as the prompt says 'paper children' who have lost their value in the child's eyes. As some spin and run away, those who become victims simply 'crumple over'. (Cause, despite what hollywood will tell you, getting shot isn't glamourous.) The child just continues to fire and finds that in doing so, nothing is quite what he'd hoped they be.

The second paragraph is actually a somber picture. One student holds another who has long since stopped breathing. Because the child can't understand their pain, he asks a cruel question.

The disconnect grows worse as the child encounters someone it knew. Trying to register that fact that it is a person and not just another 'piece of paper', the child grows frustrated and takes out their anger on someone they knew.

In the final bit, the child steps outside the school to come face to face with the consequences of their actions, as we all must do. Though, when one cannot recognize the severity of one's decisions, is it possible to understand the punishment? So, the 'colored lights' of the police are there and the sad tale comes to an end. Overall, a rather somber piece I was expecting far worse scores on so I have to thank the judges for their kindness and indulgences.


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## Gargh (Nov 4, 2014)

Congrats all ye winners!


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## godofwine (Nov 4, 2014)

Congratulations to Inkwell, Emma & Ari for your hard work and wonderful stories. 

Gargh, I kind of understand what is meant by show, don't tell, limited space and all. There is a fine line with writing. Too much show and you get slight confusion or misunderstanding, and too much tell and you underestimate the intelligence of your audience. It is a fine line that I need to learn if I am to finish my novels. The fact that one of the boys stood up to her surprised her and the reaction was slow. People like her are bullies, and bullies never expect people to stand up against them, and typically when it happens they are unprepared and a bit of fear seeps into them.

shinyford, I don't know what you are looking for or what I am missing that would move you. Maybe not enough shown emotion. I don't know. 

killroy, great detailed explaination. I am learning how to write and desperately need this to tell me where I am going wrong. You give me what I need to improve. Duly noted on teh exclamation points or the lack of. Will fix it for next time. The, *"…but how could he protect his brother from her?” *goes along with Gargh's "show, not tell," right? Show how he is a little brother because looking at it now the line seems forced and underestimating the intelligence of my audience. 

The prompt was a tad forced, but I wanted to show that she cared nothing for the kids. I know a lot of bad foster parents who have kids for the money and wanted to portray her as someone equally heartless, the piece of paper that made them her responsibility she resented. Exclamation points instead of or in conjuntion with ,she screamed? 

Rats, lol. Think Joe Pesci, not Cagney. "Nothing but rats. Whole family rats. Grow up to be rats," - Joe Pesci from Goodfellas. The shoulders wracked with tears was attempting to show the full body cry when the shoulders shake. As I said, I know a lot of bad foster parents, so I put the boys into one of those homes - verbally and physically abusive. I like the one person rising from the ashes, defender of the people, but I will try to not make it so stiff next time. 

amsawtell - Yes, Mrs. Blair does exist. This is a similar incident that occurred with my father. I view my father as a bad mix of Hitler and Ike Turner, and the slightest things set him off. For the ball he would yell at us to keep our toys in our room. Foster homes and orphanages are regulated, they are often regulated by people who don't truly care, or are too overworked to care and since there are so many kids and so few homes there wouldn't be anywhere to put the kids if they were to be pulled from the homes so they let a lot of stuff go. She, like my father, didn't want kids, didn't want to be bothered with kids, and reminded the kids in so many words and directly that they were not wanted. That their very existance bothered her. 

I try to write about real people, and they may not seem to be believable, they are often pieces of a life I have lived, or those around me have lived. The stories I heard growing up, or physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, sexual abuse/molestation and more would lead many to believe they are untrue when we all simply wish they were untrue. In this world people I knew s well as myself longed for a Batman or superhero to stand up for them and protect them and no one did. No one saw, and when they did they simply turned away and pretended to see nothing. I write about people who go through these things and become someone different as if the break brought forth a stronger person that they ordinarily would not have been.


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## Terry D (Nov 4, 2014)

The pedant in me wouldn't let me rest until I discovered the truth about: *"**I saw the missing 's' from "pairs" after the ten minute grace period. I'm not sure if using the singular here is a regional thing, or just a peculiarity of my own, but it seems natural for me to say, and write, 'ten pair of shoes'."* So I looked it up and found that both are acceptable, though, 'pairs' is preferred. The important thing in this case is that my usage caused a reading 'speed-bump' for 75% of my readers--not a good thing. Thanks again.


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## Kyle R (Nov 4, 2014)

Way to go, *Inkwell*, *Emma*, and *Ari*! Podium places well-deserved! 

Great job to everyone else who entered as well! Excellent entries all around. And applause goes to you, too, Fin, for all your hard work.


Hey, *Faukes*!

Sorry about the self-disqualification. You can give me a score of 20 out of 20 if you _really_ want to. 

I'm glad you thought some of the writing was great. I also like how you describe Jenks as having a messianic counter-agenda. It's a very cool way of explaining what I, essentially, simply considered a way to put the two characters into conflict. ("Let's see.. I have this detective who wants to find find the children... So I'll write a character who wants the children not to be found! Instant conflict.") 

I agree that "Compromised," is a mouthful to say in a dying breath. Great eye on that one.

Thanks for the helpful and encouraging feedback! :encouragement:


Hey, *Shinyford*!

Cool to think of this as a "horror sci-fi." That's a fun genre to think of. Not one I'm too experienced with, but I like the idea of being put in it. Sorry the story felt unfinished for you. Though, to play the devil's advocate, wouldn't you say that, by wanting to know more about the characters, I did my job well?  I get what you're saying, though. 

Sometimes it's hard to give a strong sense of resolution or closure in such short a piece. I'll see what I can do about that with my next entry. Thanks for the keen judging! :encouragement:


Hello, *Kilroy*!

I'm glad the sci-fi-ness of the story was a pleasant surprise for you. I try to write in a different genre with each LM that I enter. I'm not sure if I do that for the challenge, or because I haven't yet found my favorite genre to write in. Maybe a mixture of both.

I agree that the info about the Grones was dumped out a bit heavily. And yes, it's a tricky balance to build a large world and then competently give only a small bite of it, while leaving the reader satisfied. I'm glad you pointed that out. It's a puzzle I'll have fun pondering.

I might make the Gronies appear again in the future. We'll see! Thanks for reading and for the helpful feedback. :encouragement:


Hi, *Amsaw*!

Sorry to hear the POV didn't work for you. I think you hit the nail on the head—neither character was meant to be right or wrong. Both were meant to have their own biased perspective, each viewpoint pitted into conflict with the other. Lina was certainly a bit of an unreliable narrator, I agree (though I also believe that all narrators are unreliable to some degree. It's just a matter of how much the writer wants to emphasize it ). I like your suggestion of using an impartial perspective. It's definitely an approach worth thinking about, one that might have worked much better.

I'm glad you found the setting and society intriguing. I appreciate the laser-eyed nits, as well. Cheers, and thanks for reading! :encouragement:


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## spartan928 (Nov 4, 2014)

Thanks for taking the time to comment judges. Appreciate your excellent insight and critique. To all, thanks for sharing. So many excellent stories and the winners were very well deserved as always. Kyle, I'd give your story a 20. A superb vignette of something larger I'd love to read. The origami bit was great, nice touch.


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## Ari (Nov 5, 2014)

For those of you who didn't expect to see me until February, surprise! Internet cafes are nice 

Thank you all four judges. Thank you *Kyle R*, *godofwine*, *Gargh*, *Bishop* and* Pluralized*. For a while before this I was plagued by the vague feeling that I wanted to write a ghost story, and that prompt gave me the perfect excuse.

*Guy Fawkes.*
It's an electrical torch.
Re flow: flow and rhythm are very important to me. I do mess with conjunctions a lot, but it's always to get the kind of rhythm that I want. Sometimes it sounds good to people other than me and sometimes it doesn't. Thanks for pointing out the parts that do not flow right for you  

Heh, "murdered" is kinda over dramatic. Thanks for that.

I confess I never read horror so I don't know the clichés or tropes. 
"Melting ice" because blood is liquid? Because I liked the sound of it? I'm not really sure, to be honest.

Thanks for the critique 

*Shinyford:*
Thank you. I tried to cover the "what happens next" with my ghost saying, "Loose, and you stay with me forever." Or whatever she says (I have probably misquoted myself). But I agree, if more words were allowed I would've continued.

*kilroy:
*I'm very glad you liked it.
Yes, I agree that should all be on the same line. It looks much better. I must have paragraphed it for some reason, and I don't think it was for dramatic tension, but it may have been. It looks weird to me now ^_^"

Torch/touch - oh no! Why is there always one that slips through the net??

*amsawtell:*
Thank you 
I agree with both S&G points, definitely. I glad you liked it!


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## midnightpoet (Nov 5, 2014)

Congrats to the winners, there were some great stories here.  I appreciate the judges and their comments.  I'll admit, the ending wasn't great, and frankly I really didn't know how best to end the story.  It's based on a real situation, the mother did drugs and had a series of men in and out the door.  The kids (four of them) are all in foster care and the mother is in denial that she did anything wrong.  I tried to make these characters too adult, and although there are numerous examples in novels and movies of "grown up" kids I realize it was a bad idea in so short a story. I always learn something in these contests, hopefully I'll do better next time.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Nov 5, 2014)

Took me some time to read the entries but, Congratulations to all the winners, and to the rest of the participants as well. Some good stories here!  And quite a handful of rather dark ones as well. :shock:


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## thepancreas11 (Nov 5, 2014)

Aw yeah! Getting feedback on my writing. That's what I'm talking about! And good advice even. Crap dang it, I love this competition and all you judges and entrants that help me learn to write good. I should give y'all a big, electronical hug. Just imagine my warm, pancreatic arms around your shoulders. Specially you inkwell.


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## Kyle R (Nov 5, 2014)

spartan928 said:


> Kyle, I'd give your story a 20. A superb vignette of something larger I'd love to read. The origami bit was great, nice touch.



Thanks, Spart! I might revisit these characters/this story world in the near future. :encouragement:


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## InkwellMachine (Nov 6, 2014)

Ohhh~ How lovely. What an encouragement, and a boost to my "you can write well enough for people to enjoy it" complex. You guys make this whole _trying to write _ordeal much easier. 

Presently I'm slogging through a novel. I'm really enjoying it, but it'll be a long time coming. I'll keep entering these as often as I can. It's good just to feel like some of my writing has consequence in the mean time. Even if I don't win, the feedback makes my words less lonely, which is perhaps more important than anything.

To the other entrants: many of you made me nervous, which is a good thing. Keep writing.

To the judges:

*Guy Faukes
*I'd challenge that if it weren't a matter of opinion. I think most writers have a complex about whether other writers are better than they are, which is healthy--it keeps you on top of your craft. I enjoy a healthy dose of envy most every time I visit this forum, and certainly almost every time I read the work of published authors.

I agree with that. It's a good quote, and I have to wonder how you came across it. In terms of my balls, I may as well have none (figuratively speaking, of course--I'm sure women are capable of muscling their words into something prideful and horrendous). I'm so unmoved by what I feel like I'm _supposed _to be writing these days that my first entry was deemed to graphic for the fora and removed. Not necessarily a good thing, as demonstrated, but better than puffing out my chest and typing with my dong.

Yes. I do have a, unfortunate tendency toward dramatics. Unfortunate because I'm not a fan of them, and would rather type what I mean to type instead of saturating it in poetry. But I'm glad the second half seemed more lively to you. I think that just sort of happens over the course of any given piece for me (and for many others)--it becomes more naturally as you sink down into it.

One thing I must point out: the narrator is not an animate object. It is not an enchanted or bespelled paper doll. It is an abandoned story. I meant for the _paper children _to be the "children" of the author. For an unfinished creation to be ignored by its creator is as good as death, and that's what I was trying to capture. Perhaps I was too vague.

I really appreciate the encouragement. I'll keep writing, and I'll share my work with you when I can.

*Shinyford
*Ah, good. I'm glad the tone didn't seem too over-the-top to you. I really didn't want to just spit what was going on in the reader's face, but then on the flip-side I was worried that it might all be too cryptic.

You understood, though. And that's lovely, considering how abstract this really was.

*Kilroy214
*Regardless of all the flaws I feel I can point out, this sort of praise is always nice. After all, good writing and bad writing are ultimately just a matter of opinion.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

*Amsawtell
*Abstractions like internal emotion and non-characters are always difficult to peg without simply explaining to the reader the nature of the situation. I hate when writing with a message begins to sound like a sermon. I'll try to avoid that in the future.

Still, it made you think, and that's a good thing.



As always, my biggest thanks goes out to *Fin*, the magician behind the curtain who conjures all this up for us. Thank you.


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## godofwine (Nov 10, 2014)

thepancreas11 said:


> Aw yeah! Getting feedback on my writing. That's what I'm talking about! And good advice even. Crap dang it, I love this competition and all you judges and entrants that help me learn to write good. I should give y'all a big, electronical hug. Just imagine my warm, pancreatic arms around your shoulders. Specially you inkwell.



I cosign this. Getting feedback on the positives and negatives is something that doesn't happen for many of us outside of school. We are willing to working the bad habits out if someone is keen enough to identify them. A big electricuting hug from me, too. haha



TheFuhrer02 said:


> Took me some time to read the entries but, Congratulations to all the winners, and to the rest of the participants as well. Some good stories here!  And quite a handful of rather dark ones as well. :shock:



I love the dark. Writing about the uprising of the downtrodden is special to me, being a member of the downtrodden.


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## bazz cargo (Nov 10, 2014)

Wow!
I'm glad I didn't have time to join in, the embarresment of falling off the coupon would have followed me for years.

Strong entries folks.

Congratulations to all the players.


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## Guy Faukes (Nov 12, 2014)

Congrats to Ink, Emma and Ari for taking the win and a big thank you goes out to Fin for organizing this. It was a pleasure to judge, with all of the entries showing merits on their own right. If anyone wants clarification on my portion of judging on their entries, feel free to PM me. I hope I didn't come across as too critical for anyone; I'd rather state something rather than give a tepid statement that I enjoyed/disliked a piece. I'm hoping to grow as a judge as much as the entrants are trying to grow as writers. 

*TerryD* - I see. I referred to the last few months LMs to see where everyone was at/how they progressed, but not back far enough to catch something a few years ago. Did you post it anonymously through Fin? I wouldn't have been able to get a prior sense of your work. 

*godofwine* - ahh, I see. I did martial arts a bit and verbally sparred here and there, so the idea of an uncontested bully is one I recognize, but abhor. You gotta resist, anyway you can to get the message across that I won't lie down for you. It may be why I had a bit more difficulty with your entry than I would've expected. 

*EphemeralOne* - yep, definitely a bit too deep for my literary sense. I knew it was probably alluding to something, but school shooting did not come close to registering

*thepancreas11 - *I can just imagine a tiny pancreas extending a tiny set of slimy arms towards me  

*InkwellMachine*- I fully recognize that you are able to out write me by a mile . When faced with superiority, one must appreciate it and hope that it's a stage they will reach someday. 

You mentioned that one of your entries disappeared and I wondered what had happened. It would've been interesting to see what a "rawer" short from you would be like. 

Ohh... that notion fits the story better. I'm not seasoned enough to look far past the literal interpretations of things, plus, my mind is primed with artificial intelligence, cyberization and Descartes. The notion of inanimate turned animate is too appealing. 

Keep on writing, you definitely have the voice for it.


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## InkwellMachine (Nov 13, 2014)

thepancreas11 said:


> Aw yeah! Getting feedback on my writing. That's what I'm talking about! And good advice even. Crap dang it, I love this competition and all you judges and entrants that help me learn to write good. I should give y'all a big, electronical hug. Just imagine my warm, pancreatic arms around your shoulders. Specially you inkwell.


I missed this, somehow. 

Come, nestle into the warmth of my dripping, ink-stained bosom. There's room enough for you, my child.


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## Ariel (Nov 14, 2014)

Ink, that's possibly one of the creepiest things I can imagine.  Thanks.  I might have to use that idea.


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## Guy Faukes (Nov 14, 2014)

InkwellMachine said:


> Come, nestle into the warmth of my dripping, ink-stained bosom. There's room enough for you, my child.



I don't want to know what else is there D:


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## InkwellMachine (Nov 18, 2014)

Are you sure?... 

Aren't you cold?...


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## Guy Faukes (Nov 18, 2014)

:shock:


Eh... it's below freezing with three feet of freshly laid snow here. Come here, Inky!


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## InkwellMachine (Nov 20, 2014)

Ah, good. I hope you don't find tentacles and sharp objects objectionable.


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