# 3 Witches



## rickyknight1 (Jan 24, 2017)

3 witches laugh, as they brew
over their steaming pot
they commit evil; they steal, kill,
and destroy.

3 witches use dark magic...
they meddle in our private affairs
an uninvited ear inside our homes.

3 witches have been around many centuries
they've grown more lustful and greed
is a proud veil around their crooked necks.

3 witches parade around in dark thinking
while growing more powerful in that cave
just north of town;
where they terrorize the villagers.

So, I plan to face 3 witches
with justice as my breast plate,
a sort of savior if you will.
I put on a disguise, and deliver delicacies!

3 witches share the same weaknesses
for my rare treats,
they get sedated from a tainted feast.

3 witches finally wake up, all tied to a single tree
they scream, and shout, as they hiss at me
in a most foul language
but who will hear them?

And so, I pour gasoline on 3 witches
I set them all on fire..

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## Darkkin (Jan 24, 2017)

A couple of things.  Like with your bones piece, you have bones, no real meat, just a lot of generalizations, nothing unique.  And my major nit.  Use the word not the number.  It takes about two seconds to press four more buttons to produce.  Three.  Invest in your content, tone, and basics.  Develop your ideas beyond a general concept, make the reader actually care.

Right now, your piece is soundly in the region of underwhelming.  The concept sounded good, but content isn't up to par, and it can be an issue if the reader leaves feeling like they wasted their time.  A lot like food service, writers rely on repeat business.  Keep the quality of your product in mind.

You need work on showing instead of telling and that is where the majority of your issues rest.  You are simply telling, not working with the narrative.  Talking at the reader.  I don't know about you, but I really don't like it when people do that.  I like using my own senses, not having you tell me what something was.  Don't talk at the reader, include them.

Sit down with this piece hash it out beyond three witches.  Mythology is rife with three witches.  What makes yours more interesting than the ones from _Hocus Pocus_ or the ones from _MacBeth_?  And what about the ones from pagan religions such as Wicca, the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone?  Don't be a passive writer.  You don't put in the effort neither will the reader.

Also, turn off the Tapatalk tag...Good poetry doesn't happen over night, it takes a little effort.  Make it count.


----------



## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

It was so much of a "tell", I did not even bother to comment when I first read it. Thought I should, at least, say that. sas


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 24, 2017)

Thank you guys, I APPRECIATE the love.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## sas (Jan 24, 2017)

rickyknight1.... 

I must assume you disagree with the comments. How? 

I am often in disagreement with comments/suggestions made on mine. I don't just dismiss what is said, but clarify why I believe no change should be made. Can you do that? If not, consider why not.

sas


----------



## Absolem (Jan 24, 2017)

I didn't get anything out of it.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 24, 2017)

Hello, ricky... The feedback you have received brings into focus the issues with the content of your poem, there isn't any... What you lack is a destination ... You are talking about Witches, in general, and nothing unique to your own experiences, or nothing different... kinda generic and vague.. Now, if you name a Witch or entity, like... well, my favorite is the Succubus... She comes in a dream and seduces the man... then you would provide your reader with a destination and maybe even a reason to hang the witches and set them on fire... I know all of this sounds so negative, but it is not... I challenge you to rewrite this and give your creativity a real workout... thrill and tease your reader, do something, make your reader shivvvvver... yes?


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 25, 2017)

I don't rember who or why, but someone pissed me off. Im a christian so obviously I didnt punch them in the face like I should. So instead I wrote a poem about it, and yes I burn them alive (God forgive me) Naturally there's still a lot of steam from that moment lurking around. It's nothing against any of you guys or your comments. Im. just not. in a very good mood.....

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

Now the real challenege is to keep me from really burning those who piss me off. So please guys, let me be generic and continue burning all the imaginary witches that I want to, because it makes me happy and calm ok?

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

On another note, I always take every single critique into consideration. I just think it can be done in a nicer way, without being a total jerk.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2017)

rickyknight1 said:


> On another note, I always take every single critique into consideration. I just think it can be done in a nicer way, without being a total jerk.
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk




Well ... No one was being a jerk, Ricky... That is YOUR perception. What was going on here was serious writers, who gave, unselfishly, of their time, expertise and attention in the hope that they could show you a better way to express yourself and to make your voice powerful and coherent. Critiques are tools to help you improve, it is your choice to use or discard them. If you are writing a poem because you are angry and you want to vent, and you do not want constructive feedback, maybe the best place for your poem is in your person file. You can keep your attitude, and continue to think that we are jerks, or.... you can receive the critiques in the manner they were given, and work on your skills and improve your poetry. I hope you decide to get serious about your work, listen and think about the feedback given.


----------



## Darkkin (Jan 25, 2017)

rickyknight1 said:


> On another note, I always take every single critique into consideration. I just think it can be done in a nicer way, without being a total jerk.



What exactly were you expecting when you posted a rough draft like this?  Adulation for promises of violence against individuals who made you mad?  Sorry, but I can't do that.  Basic empathy.  Even fictional constructs deserve the benefit of proof before having punishment leveled against them.  You can write what you like, but it doesn't mean the reader needs to accept it blindly and ignore inherent faults with the writing.  Moreover, patterns that have proven recurrent.

If you want sunshine and rainbows critique with a piece like this, next time include a disclaimer e.g. Please suspend all critical thought processes until comments and praise have been rendered.  Save the reader the time.  It was said nicely before, it has been framed in polite constructs, but it was ignored...That being said.  Nice segues into concise.  It is a known issue.  Take it into consideration.

- D. the T.


----------



## sas (Jan 25, 2017)

Praise the Lord and pass the Gasoline?  Hmmm


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 25, 2017)

I wrote it to get a feedback, im not sensitive to comments about this or that. However I will not change my style solely based on those who think they know it all. If you don't like my style ya aint got to read ma stuff. Even Jesus had to put a few Pharisses in thier place, read the bible.  

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 25, 2017)

The point of a critique is to help someone develop into whatever style they find more comfortable, it is not an oppurtunity to tear them down, and force them to be more like you, or what is accepted by others. My style is mines, and if I like the fluff and the generic approach, then so be it.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## Absolem (Jan 25, 2017)

There's always something that can be improved. There's gems to be found in a critique. Even a seemingly harsh one.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2017)

Actually, the point of a critique is to do exactly what you stated, no one wants you to be like anyone other than your unique self, and I want to hear YOUR voice, read YOUR creativity, you don't have a style if all you write are generic statements, there isn't anything unique in that, right? I was simply suggesting that you be original ... poetry is about expressing yourself in a creative way...  
Critiques are meant to challenge you, to get you thinking outside of the tired clichés, to help you see what your reader sees... I hope this helps...


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 25, 2017)

Im not agaisnt the critiques, otherwise I wouldn't be here seeking advice. Every artist is born with his own unique style, and im not changing that, because when I tried to--I ended up lost, and uncertain of who I was. I know I need improvements here and there, and Im grateful for the sincerity of those who are really trying to make me into a better writer!

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 25, 2017)

rickyknight1 said:


> Im not agaisnt the critiques, otherwise I wouldn't be here seeking advice. Every artist is born with his own unique style, and im not changing that, because when I tried to--I ended up lost, and uncertain of who I was. I know I need improvements here and there, and Im grateful for the sincerity of those who are really trying to make me into a better writer!
> 
> Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk




Write about that... write poetry about YOUR struggles to find your voice, write about feeling lost and confused, Hell, that would at least be unique and honest and your reader could connect to those emotions much easier than connecting to evil witches who steal and lie...


----------



## aj47 (Jan 25, 2017)

rickyknight1 said:


> 3 witches laugh, as they brew
> over their steaming pot
> they commit evil; they steal, kill,
> and destroy.
> ...



I think you missed an opportunity to show the witches being evil.  It's one thing to talk about something being evil/bad/nasty but it's more real to us as readers to see the evil. 3 witches feasting on fetal tissue or 3 witches roasting puppies in my neighbor's barbecue pit or ... I'd be handing you the matches. Overall, I think the biggest issue is you're telling us and not showing us.  Compared to that, the rest are nits.

I totally want to believe you have a reason to start the fire, but I don't feel it.  I like the concept of taking personal responsibility to fight evil. If you work on this, it could be a worthy piece.


----------



## Darkkin (Jan 25, 2017)

rickyknight1 said:


> My style is mines, and if I like the fluff and the generic approach, then so be it.




The issue with the piece is a lack of identity.  You want to write in totally generic terms that is your prerogative.  But let me illustrate a point.  Working at a bookstore, this is something I encounter frequently.   Look up the term linguistic coincidence or co-occurrence.  Then try something.  Run a Google search using the term three witches with three written out and then again using 3 witches.  The results may surprise you.

Search results for three witches: 5,750,000
Search results for 3 witches: 73,600,000

The difference made by a simple detail:  67,850,000 fewer items in the search criteria.

You go from 1 of 73,600,000 to 1 of  5,750,000 which translates roughly to the top 8% of search criteria.

Basic statistics on a general topic.  This is why clarifying one's identity, one's voice as a writer is critical.  And it really doesn't take much effort.  A name, a cadence pattern, recurrent phrases, perspectives...These are all things unique to the individual.  Like fingerprints.  Leave them on your work.

Joseph Campbell's _Hero With a Thousand Faces_ does an excellent job of illustrating the parallels (themes and character archetypes) found throughout stories across the world.  Generic templates, filled in as they are needed.  Readers don't want a template, that is what workbooks and writing exercises are for.


----------



## rickyknight1 (Jan 27, 2017)

astroannie said:


> I think you missed an opportunity to show the witches being evil.  It's one thing to talk about something being evil/bad/nasty but it's more real to us as readers to see the evil. 3 witches feasting on fetal tissue or 3 witches roasting puppies in my neighbor's barbecue pit or ... I'd be handing you the matches. Overall, I think the biggest issue is you're telling us and not showing us.  Compared to that, the rest are nits.
> 
> I totally want to believe you have a reason to start the fire, but I don't feel it.  I like the concept of taking personal responsibility to fight evil. If you work on this, it could be a worthy piece.


The breast plate is symbolic, not literal. Kind of like Bruce Wayne turning into batman. And yes--I was facing the witches, with my bag of tricks; so I longer need to choose between one or the other, because I am quite capable of doing both. And unfortunately, no. I cannot show you rather than tell, God did not grant me this ability, so therefore, I can scarecely say that I have managed to do so.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


----------

