# May 2015 - LM - You Don't See Me - Scores



## bazz cargo

*May 2015 - LM - You Don't See Me Scores
*
​ 

*Entry**Shinyford**Thepancreas11**Folcro**Amsawtell**Average* Meteli​1211                         111412Sleepwriter1512131012.5 LOLeah​12141312.512.875 Bevo​149969.5 KnightPlutonian​1619171516.75 astroannie​1511171815.25                         rcallaci1314141614.75 tdelozier​181610813                         kilroy2141617151716.25                         Euripides1214151313.5                         Godofwine131491312.25                         Midnightpoet1715101414                         Pluralized1614131815.25                         T.S. Bowman1515151615.25                         inkwellness1514121614.25                         Joshybo1515151815.75                         Bazz Cargo1410151513.5                         Ephemeral_One1314131213                         Ibb1512201014.25                         W.Goepner171113912.5                         musichaln/an/an/an/an/a

Congratulations to *KnightPlutonian* for taking first with *I See You  *

In second we have *kilroy214* with *Lodger*

And third:*Joshybo's* *Buried Deep*


And now for the best part. Judge comments.

[spoiler2=Shinyford's Scores]                          



 Shinyford Scores




Neighbours
Meteli

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

The SPaG is almost perfect here, bar the odd missed word (“stop spying [on] my neighbours”) and misuse of punctuation (semi-colon instead of a colon or period). But very minor problems.

Voice was good too, if a little bland maybe? Generally, though, I could hear an actual voice here rather than just words, so I think that worked.

I don’t think I quite got the story, which is why the Effect score is down. It meandered a little too much, from family at war to old man to existential angst. Nothing wrong with that, but it left me not quite knowing what you wanted to say. I’m old fashioned enough to like a narrative journey, rather than a wander. But I look forward to more from you.
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Sheila
Sleepwriter

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 7
*Total: 15*

SPaG is very good here, although I will say a couple of things. (1) There are a couple of times you use commas where you shouldn’t: “…and jammed the key at the lock, it wouldn’t go in” for example. That could be a colon or a period, but never a comma or semi-colon. (At least, in my head – it’s a personal bugbear, so feel free to ignore this bit. J ) (2) The short sentences don’t work for me. Again, it’s a personal thing, but it makes the flow a bit stilted for me.

Voice is good, but again a little bland – I think you could show your protagonist’s teeth a little more with a little idiolect work. Not too much, but just to give a bit of personality.

The Effect of the story isn’t bad. There’s always a lot of violent LM submissions for some reason, and the final line twist here makes a nice change rather than everything playing out entirely predictably. Personally, though, a bigger reveal/subversion of expectation at the end would have left me more satisfied.

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The Named and the Damned
LOLeah

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

SPaG almost faultless. Voice – again, a little nondescript sadly. I came away knowing little about who the protagonist was or what his/her motivations were, over and above the stated goal.

And that’s as much about the story itself as the voice. Again, a violent little vignette without any actual journey. By which I mean, the first line pointed arrow-straight to the last, and the words in between did little more than take us there. For me, a story takes the reader on a journey, with the protagonist as medium; this just told me where the protagonist was going, and let me watch as he/she predictably got there. Really sorry to be so down, because you obviously can write – but I’d really like more narrative meat over the bones of the words.

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I See You
KnightPlutonian

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

And despite what I’ve said above about journey, this I really liked. Go figure. There isn’t really a journey, but the (homeless?) protagonist’s insights into what’s going on around him are great.

SPaG works well – by which I mean spelling and punctuation. Grammar is off the mark from the text books – but that’s perfect, because it’s in the protagonist’s idiolect. Grammar gets better, for me, the more the rules are strayed from, especially with speech (which, being a narrated inner monologue, this obviously is). Well, so long as it remains internally consistent and compelling of course.

I would say two things. (1) You could go further with the idiolect, I think. Without diving into accent parody, which is usually awfully naff, a bit more grammatic deviance could give more personality, IMHO. (2) If the sub-stories joined up a little more, fed into each other a bit, I think I’d have the journey I keep banging on about.

But really nice. Bring more.
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Light
Bevo

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 8
*Total: 14*

Great story. Great reveal at the end – and to find the entire thing was metaphor actually worked really well. (If I’d written it, it’d have got way too strained by paragraph two!)

SPaG wasn’t brilliant, largely due to over-use of commas. You’ve got a shedload of sentences bashed together into one because they’re separated by commas rather than periods. Personally, I find this extremely distracting, and it makes the reading stilted. Voice, also, occasionally felt a little forced.

But as I say, the ending was really good. Poignant, which I think helped. Well done.

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The Disappearance of Michael Reeves
AstroAnnie

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

Loving the literal interpretation of the prompt! J

Basically, this is all good. SPaG is great, Voice is good, with nice little asides giving extra character and personality.

But – and I know I keep repeating myself in this round of scoring – I think I’m missing a journey though. Guy lies on a table, gets transparent, gets opaque again. Thinks about buying a car, but that’s less a journey and more a non-sequitur. I want to see him evolve emotionally as a consequence of this weird stuff – and I don’t see that.
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Godfrey’s Dilemma
rcallaci

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

Techically, this is fine: good SPaG, a fair voice and even a journey for Godfrey.

However, I’m not quite sure of its thrust. I’m not sure if it’s satire, or comes from someone who genuinely thinks that population growth justifies sexism. If the latter, then that’s valid (although I would humbly disagree with you extremely loudly and on a variety of counts); and it’s similarly valid if the former. But despite both being valid, the fact that I don’t know which you mean makes it difficult to parse as either.

But the thing I like least, in this story about, and hanging off, overt sexism, is the fact that the most sexist of received wisdoms it contains is a throwaway line: “Men being… more mathematically minded.” That sort of proof by assertion always leaves me cold, and never more so than here.

Sorry for getting on a soap box – but I think my job here is to tell you how your story made me feel, as much as technically how good it was.

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The Buck
tdelozier

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 9
*Total: 18*

Brilliant. Loved it. A guy with a gun and an attitude makes himself invisible to the point he’s accidentally shot by the people he’s so disrespectful of. Hubris the Hunter.

SPaG, voice, effect all neatly giving one great, simple journey. Nicely done.

__________________________________________________ __

Lodger
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Total: 16*

This was good. SPaG needs a little work – the odd spelling mistake (“one” for “on”) and punctuation problem (commas used where periods should be, especially around speech) but generally okay.

Voice was good too – believably Alice. And the overall effect was a good one, with Alice moving from confusion/fear of to complicity with her lodger in easy, well-choreographed steps. Nicely done.
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Harbringer
Euripedes

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

Generally fine SPaG (albeit with one caveat – see below) and a good, if a bit bland, voice.

The effect was good too, although this was a vignette rather than a story to my mind (and again, I think it’s the absence of the journey that I keep banging on about, that makes that difference).

The title left me a little confused. It’s either a pun on, or a misspelling of, harbinger. If it’s the former, then I’m not sure what the other half of the pun is (if you see what I mean) which leaves me feeling I’ve missed something important. But I don’t think I have, so I’ll assume it’s just a typo.

Generally, a good little ghost story, but I’d have preferred more of a reveal or journey.
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Green River
godofwine

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 4
*Total: 13*

Gah! Again, an entry that’s technically fine – good SPaG, and a defined, albeit bland (sorry) voice – but just with no journey at all. We start with a man threatening to drown a captive, and by the end he’s drowned him. Quod Erat bleedin’ Demonstrandum. Along the way a deputy got killed, but really that added nothing other than word count. Certainly it didn’t change either of the main character’s outlook or attitude.

Sorry, but despite the fact you can clearly write and write well, this one left me wanting a shed load more. (Also – and feel free to ignore this, especially if I’m wrong – I seem to remember a lot of your stories are quite urban-violent. Nothing wrong with that, but I’d love to see what you can do outside that genre.)
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Ghost
T S Bowman

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

A nice little ghost story, with nothing to complain about on the SPaG and voice front.

An entire life, however, feels like a huge thing to push in to 522 words, and as such I came away thinking this story wasn’t done justice. But what this story did have, missing from so many others this time round, was a sense of closure and completion. Nicely done.
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Warmth
Pluralized

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

Good SPaG, good voice – although I think you could have had a whole lot of fun making the, um, interloper’s grammar and speech style darker and more idiosyncratic.

The story worked right up to the end. At that point, however, I was left not knowing quite what was happening, nor if the story had actually ended or you’d just run out of space. Why was Allen gouging his own face? Was the interloper a tapeworm or an alien (and if so, where was Sigourney Weaver)? And what on earth was the Doctor feeding it?

So, a little unsatisfying at the end, I’m afraid to say. Always leave your audience wanting more: Pluralized, my friend, you did. J
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Death’s Game
midnightpoet

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

I liked this. No problem with SPaG, and a great voice for the protagonist – really gave him character.

And actually exciting at the end – wasn’t sure till the last sentence whether the protagonist would win or lose. Still not sure whether the police will believe him. Which is cool. Nicely done.
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Neither Here Nor There 
InkWellness

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

SPaG is good – which seems to be a pattern for this round of the LM. Very little to fault.

And the story is good too. I am taken on a journey with the protagonist, which is what I’m looking for. And his decision to let go at the end is sad, an admission of defeat rather than completion – which is an unusual, and therefore welcome, way to go out.

So. Voice, then.

InkWellness, I’m not picking on you; it’s just taken me this long to work out what my problem has been with so many entries this time. And I think it’s this: writers often have a tendency to use a whispy, generic, poetic style when writing stories first-person. This includes me. Oh boy, does it include me.

The trouble is, this dialect is (1) very samey, and (2) not true to the characters who are meant to be speaking those words. (I once had a sentence I loved in a story: “It is my birthday – or would be, were I still a man.” And it was critiqued, with one outcome being that that sentence wasn’t true to the character. So I changed it: “It’s my birthday – least, it would be if I was still a man.” Far closer to his true speech pattern. I still hate that change – love the first version – but they were right.)

So, it’s the same here. For all that this is a great story, you’ve used that generic, whispy dialect, and I think that diminishes it a little. Find the character’s true voice, and use that. Leave the whispy poetics to whispy poets (or at least, your own whispy poems). I need to learn this too.
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Buried Deep
Joshybo

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 15*

Generally good SPaG, albeit with a bit of comma abuse in places. Voice is not bad, with the urgency of the mother, and frustration of the father, coming through well.

The effect of the piece is generally good – except, I didn’t believe the calling of the police. A mental health worker, possibly, but why would you call the police? I mean, arguably he’s so pissed off by now that he just wants rid of her – which, if so, isn’t very nice behaviour, and doesn’t fit with the character established for him before that. But even if that were the case, why would they go along with it?

Apart from that, I thought this was good; but that broke the fourth wall for me a bit, I’m afraid.
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The Pootle Effect
Bazz Cargo

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

Nothing wrong with this technically, except I didn’t get it. I am sure this is a failing on my part, but I’m not sure who or what Pootle was, or how he, she or it affected Barbara. I’m aware she was holding a cheap wooden substitute, but I’m not sure what it’s a substitute for. I also don’t know who the sci-fi author is, or how they share a Nobel prize.

As I say, failings on my part. I’m all for making readers work, genuinely. But unless you mean Nick Butterworth’s Q Pootle 5 – and I’m pretty sure you don’t – this reference seems to have Google stumped too. (At least, when I’m asking the questions, anyway.) I have an inkling that it’s to do with reality being imaginary, but… nah, lost it again.
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At the End of the World
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 13*

Voice is okay, if generic. And the effect of the story is good, with a decent, albeit small, reveal at the end.

There are a small number of SPaG problems, one of which really grated with me: your use of capitals following speech. So, ‘”I beg your pardon,” The Demon gasped’ should be ‘”I beg your pardon,” the Demon gasped’. No capital – it’s part of the same sentence. There’s also the much-shared problem of commas being used where periods should be. ‘The demon pretended to pick his teeth, “Only if you don't know how to cook it right”’ should be ‘The demon pretended to pick his teeth. “Only if you don't know how to cook it right.”’ It looks like a very small point, but it doesn’t half break the flow when you’re reading. Well, when I’m reading, anyway.

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Shooba Dooba, Bad Language, Other Stuff
Ibb

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

Weird. I liked it. Great voice – very characterful. I can’t help feeling you’re taking the piss out of the challenge, ending the way you did – but contrariwise, I can’t help liking your turns of phrase throughout; “buoyed on the exaltation of idealism and dipshitery”; “the robber need only use his literary experience to fathom the rest.: Great use of language and voice.

The effect wasn’t great, not least because the story is patently only half done. I want me an ending – and to be fair, getting an ending inside 650 words is part of the challenge. But overall… great, great voice.
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Chaos
W Goepner

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 9
*Total: 17*

You know, this actually really works. A couple of SPaG issues, but not many. A voice that makes the narrative read like an infomercial, which is stylistically rather good IMHO. And an ending which begs a question, but doesn’t answer it.

I like this sort of narrative gag, leading the reader to a logical conclusion which then, as the writer, you live. And here, the idea that if we work through the logic of chaos theory and theology together, then the denial of a creator leaves chaos as the only



   [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Thepancres11's Scores]                          


 The Pancreas11 Scores



*Bevo
Light
Overall: 9
*


First and foremost, avoid passive voice. Eliminate every “to be” conjugation you possibly can. They are the agents of chaos and ambiguity, and they drag your story down into the murky pits. Meetings were had? Decisions were made? By whom? And for what reason, at that?

In fact, juice up your story with details. The more figurative and poetic you get, the less story you create. A fine balance makes for a good story, but always err on the side of concrete evidence. What’s this city, and what do the soldiers look like, and where the heck are we? If you find your whole story is one great metaphor, maybe it’s time to retool it to be grounded.

You gave it a valiant effort; I think you just missed the mark a little. I know what you want to say, but you spend a lot of time on this one big twist and less time on the story itself.


*astroannie
The Disappearance of Michael Reeves
Overall: 11
*


That’s a cool idea. I don’t know that I’ve seen a lot of stories from the test subject’s perspective before.

For me, there just wasn’t a lot to it. Neither of them really reacted in a way that I would have expected, and if this is something that they’ve come to expect, I guess I just wonder why write the story about today? It has to have some more meat to it for me to dig into.

I would like to see more stakes, in the end.  

*rcallaci
Godfrey’s Dilemma
Overall: 14
*

I found this very clever and interesting with plenty of thematic material to dwell on. I think my favorite part is that you side with no one in the dilemma, even lean towards Lucifer, if anything. I like when the clichés go boil their bottoms.

I felt the dialogue, however, and even some of the thought passages were stilted and a little bland. Lillith had some character, but Adam didn’t come across as anything really, to me. He can be stupid or robotic or both without being empty that way. It just didn’t sit well with me.

The plot also bogged down with that Equality of the Sexes part. I think you can be more subtle and still achieve that moral success you’re looking for.

Still, the work of a talented writer, if a little underdone.

*tdelozier
The Buck
Overall: 16
*
Full. Simple. Lovely.

Further proof that a story can be told in just a few paragraphs as well as it can be in ten pages. You could have easily overdone things here. In fact, some of the verbiage gets a little too figurative for me. I would opt to take out your thesaurus words. Read it as you would say it, and you’ll know what I mean.

If you were going to spend a little more time on anything, I’d give your character a little more point of view. He seems a little flat, just a little, though, in a way that could use a little beefiness. Why does he hate these guys? Why does he love to hunt? Just some things to consider.

You had a few plot holes too. The dear gets to ten feet away from this hunter? I think he would have killed that thing a long time ago. He saw dear over the next hill and then says, “You never know what’s over the next hill?” Just a few things to work out.

*Anonymous
Lodger
Overall: 17
*


Oh, I liked that. Creepy with a touch of humor in a way that makes for a great campfire story. And simple too. One premise, one movement, and a nice, tidy conclusion to wrap it all up.

It would have been a bit higher but for the fact that it dragged a little in the middle, especially when she was on the phone with Doris. I think you could have spent a little more time on the tension she felt looking into the darkness and a little less time on the prattling part.

Other than that, a few spelling and grammar things that made for some awkward sentences; nothing you couldn’t cure with a good out-loud read.

*GHOST
T.S. Bowman
Overall: 15
*


I had no idea where that was going, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing. I do think you had some mixed tones at the beginning that could use a little clarification; it’s like you’re stuck between horror and happiness. That being said, when you can bring something new and surprising to the table, you make it much more fun to read that the same old droll.

I took off mostly for voice and grammar. I thought a lot of that narration suffered from being overdone, forcing words where they don’t belong, trying to use some vocab to spice things up rather than plot or character work, but those places were few enough and far between. I would also keep it all in that “have seen” tense, too, because at the end, we find she’s already dead.

Good job, T.S. I enjoyed this one.

*Warmth
Pluralized
Overall: 14
*


Oh, well, I’ve never thought of anything like that before. Not surprised that in your infinite creativity you’ve come up with something I’ve never seen before. I really like the imagery, even if it is gross. You make a good show of finding out of the way metaphors and quirky comparisons. I thrive on that kind of stuff.

I wasn’t sold on the creature’s voice. It seemed to waver too much for me to get into the character. In fact, the dialogue as a whole really let the rest of the piece down because it doesn’t add anything. It’s not stilted or anything, it just doesn’t really say much or add much, just kind of dictates some plot.

I think subbing out some of the side-tracked monster-narration for a little more clarification on the events would have helped you too. Otherwise, quite a fun story to read on my lunch break.

*The Pootle Effect
bazz cargo
Overall: 10
*


Not a whole lot here. It’s really one expanded thought, and even in that, it doesn’t have some of the substance it needs to be a full thought, for me. Motivations, for example. Consequences. How the Sci-fi author gets involved in the first place. I just made a whole bunch of assumptions that weren’t quite there.

For what it’s worth, however, your writing style, as frantic as it is, is quite entertaining. I read that in the blink of an eye hoping that you had a bit more to show for it. This might be one of those cases where short got too short for me.


*Shooba Dooba
Ibb
Overall: 12
*


The abridged version of this would have scored much higher for me. I love the story. I love the tone. I love the message. Just ditch all that filler and focus on the plot. Spend less time with words and more time with story. I felt like I had to translate a lot of this to get to the good parts.

But there were definitely good parts that I thoroughly enjoyed. I like the internal dialogue/external observer mix that seems to blur the lines between the story and reality. A very clever thought.

*Chaos
W. Goepner
Overall: 11
*


From a philosophical paper standpoint, I liked it. A bit rambly at times, but easy enough to follow.

From a fiction standpoint, I’m wondering where the story is, where the characters are. I just don’t know what to comment on, really.

*Neighbours
Meteli
Overall: 11
*


This felt incomplete to me. It looks like you ran out of room, a common plague in these parts. Not my favorite thing to try to fit something like this modern Rear Window into such a tight space. It’d be like the Hulk trying to wear Bruce Banner’s pants.

I like the observational detail, and I think that kind of stuff lifts a dreg story or common occurrence into the realm of storyhood. Too many people forget the little things, but you do a good job of keeping them very relevant.

Don’t worry. This competition gets easier the more you get into it, I promise.

*Sheila
Sleepwriter
Overall: 12
*


It had a wonderful buildup; I even liked the idea of switching back and forth between points of view, although I’d make it clearer that we’re inside a character’s head. The first time was a bit jarring. Suspense to me is about the senses, not just sight, and the _feelings_ that one gets when they’re in danger really do way more than what on sees.

I commend you on the simple choice of wording, at least in the first half. Up until about the third paragraph, it read as though it were spoken, and that does a great deal to get a person reading more. It has to feel natural, not forced. You started to pick up with the over-usage of adjectives and “triumphant” verbs like illuminated, which I’m not a fan of, but the start at least shows the chops you need.

The ending let you down. It confused me. I think you just ran out of space, and it’s almost as though you’re not quite sure what to focus on or what to end with. Be very decisive in the end, even if you’re leaving it open.

*The Named and the Damned
LOLeah
Overall: 14
*


I would rewrite this story as simply as possible. Every time you have a pilfered or an intoned, replace it with the simplest verb you possibly can. All this extra vocabulary really just muddles what could be a great story. You have great imagery; spend more time working with that than sounding literary.

Also, I don’t want to know about a regular night in this assassin’s life. I want to know what’s changing. I want to see the most important moment, the crux of destinies. When you have 650 words or less, you have to make them really count. You don’t have the luxury or introductions or epilogues, only time to make a single statement. Go after it.

I would give this thumbs up for an intro, but not so much for a standalone.

*I See You
Knight Plutonian
Overall: 19
*


Gorgeous. I waited with bated breath to the very last line hoping for something to tie them all together, and you did not disappoint. One of my favorite stories I’ve ever read here. I love human interest pieces, especially from a narrative point of view, and I’m a sucker for a moral, especially one that doesn’t get beat over the head.

The thing that makes this perfect is that it goes at the same frenetic pace I would expect from a street corner in the city. I can see them all pass. I almost knew it was a homeless man before you said anything, it was that realistic.

My one complaint is a couple of wonky sentences with double negatives and a few times that the subject of the paragraph got lost, but I wouldn’t take more than a point for any of those things with this story.

*Harbinger
Euripedes
Overall: 14
*


There’s nothing wrong with this story. I like it. It’s got an interesting premise, a little extra information to set up the story and give the reader something to dwell on. It even has a decent amount of heart to it.

I guess it just doesn’t feel like much, in the end. My feeling is that a story should never be about the mundane, even if that mundane is sitting with a little dying boy at a car accident. It should be at the moment some change takes place. That creates conflict and shows character way more than a ho-hum scene about everyday death. It needs more flavor.

Like I said, though. The writing is good, it just needs some juice.

*Green River
Godofwine
Overall: 14
*


This felt really forced. You put a lot of big words into little spaces, but mostly, it felt like the officer didn’t really belong there in the first place, like an appendix on the story. I like the dialogue for the most part, I think you just need to focus on making it sound more natural, more common and less literary.

The story itself doesn’t take off for me either because I don’t really get what’s going on. The guy beat his sister, so he kills the dude and the deputy? Is he a mobster? Who exactly is he? Why is he so sadistic? Are we rooting for him?

I would focus more on the exchange, lose some of the description, and you’ll have a decent story here.

*Death’s Game
midnightpoet
Overall: 15
*


The opening scene started slow, which surprised me. The cop is dead, then you go into a lot of exposition and some memory-jogging, and all the adrenaline of that first sentence kind of putters out. I think you have to ride that wave, get the scene started, then reconstruct things as best as possible. Always start with action.

I thought the suspense at the end worked well, though. Maybe a little more sensory data needed, but I like the way things built and built and built up to a climax, then a resolution. Hard to do that with so few words.

*Neither Here Nor There
inkwellness
Overall: 14
*


Hmm, I just think this could have benefitted from a little more structure. While it definitely delivers on the sentimental aspects, the plot gets a little lost in the kind of wandering that this guy goes through. You might be trying to cover a little too much ground.

Also, I don’t know if I like the line, “The pull is much stronger,” because while it’s original sense refers to the afterlife, the other uses make it sound like he’s pulled toward the living.

Play with this idea a little more. Maybe narrow it into one scene, but it’s got potential. I like when there’s a reason why you’re writing about a particular moment in time.

*Buried Deep
joshybo
Overall: 15
*


The dialogue shines, the writing in between…not so much. I would listen to a radio broadcast of this kind of dialogue. It doesn’t even need visuals for the most part to keep me interested, and I certainly feel the characters and their points of view. I wish you had focused a little more energy on the connection.

Every word is descriptive and thick. It’s a running theme in this competition. Not a lot of simplicity. Not a lot of letting the narrative do the heavy lifting. I suffer from the same problem, but it’s obvious why one should try to limit this kind of stuff when you read it a lot: I’m so caught on the words, I don’t see the story.

It’s a cool idea though, and with some editing, I could definitely see something like this drawing some attention from the publishing crowd.[/QUOTE]





*At the End of the World
Ephemeral_One
Overall: 14
*


I like the idea, I just think it lacks a little execution. Reminds me of a book called _Good Omens_, actually, a book about the apocalypse as told through the capers of an angel and a demon in cahoots. Regardless, it’s a clever take on a hashed out story and one that merits a bit more depth. Good idea.

It felt very forced, though, stuffed full of imagery and vocabulary that frankly did it no justice. Part of the beauty of this scene you’ve created is the stripped down nature of the plot and the setting, but you’ve forgotten to strip down the prose as well. It’s like playing a ragtime jaunt over a sad silent movie. Slow it down. Take some of this out. Let the dialogue shine, let the duality shine, and leave it at that.

You could really make something fun out of this, though. I’d like to see you retool it a bit.



   [/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Folcro's Scores]                         





 Folcro's Scores  



*Bad Jesus*
musichal

*Discounted*

Well-structured opening sentence. Maybe a word or two long (and by that I literally mean one word--- I often disagree with "and") but you say a lot without running on. How did the protagonist know the pistol was an automatic?

*Though I understood his words, their meaning eluded me:* I would take this out. You seem to have put it in because you're afraid the reader might get hung up on the ramble, asking themselves if they're supposed to understand what the lunatic is talking about, and making sure that the reader feels how you want them to. This lack of confidence is normal among writers but I assure you, in this case, unwarranted, especially as you use the line to transition into the protagonist's recollection of having worked in a psych ward.

*he was likely a psychiatric patient off his medication:* This conclusion was made long before the line appears.

*I once remarked to another nurse, “Why can't we ever meet a nice, loving, biblical Jesus?”:* We're getting a little deep into flashback now. A guy just ran in with an automatic pistol, remember?

*Even as these thoughts ran through my mind, I was aware of my rapidly increasing heartbeat:* Nice try, but the flashback still got too deep. Actually, this ham-handed justification tells me that your instincts were on point: you knew that second paragraph was too long; trust your instincts.

*the command center in my brain:* I know it's hard to describe panic without going into clichés. I would have much preferred a cliché over this analogy.

*Too weak even to respond to adrenaline, I was stuck. Not at all a good feeling with the most primitive part of the brain yelling “Run!”:* This all just seemed to repeat the sentence before it.

*while striking fear and horror into my heart and soul:* That's not good.

*such a sad waste:* Well, it entertained me, so at least she died for that.

Interesting ending, but it felt too reliant on the prompt: as a story on its own, I would like to know how she was going to respond, and if not, why not? It felt more like the story stopped than ended.

Unlike the Main character, I have never worked a psych ward. I have seen a few crazy people in real life and a lot in comedies. This guy seems closer to the latter. He's more obnoxious than he is threatening, which granted it's easy to say not being in danger myself, but I didn't find his character frightening or even that intriguing. Obviously he's not the focus of the story, but a story this short feels bogged down to me when any of its feature characters feels more like a plot device than a person.

*Neighbours*
Meteli

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 11*

Good opener: I've heard the concept before of course, but you leave me intrigued without giving me enough information to find it predictable.

*I asked if my friend beside me in my bed:* Who? This must be more than just a friend, right?

*One or the other boy got caught:* I know what you're saying here, but it sounded awkward.

*Their father apparently thought she was not loud enough:* Unnecessary inference.

*The parents too soon turned against each other:* Should they have waited to turn against each other?

*I missed one word here and there, but I did catch keywords to piece up the rest:* So which was it? Did you miss one word here and there, or did you catch one word here and there?

The story was held back primarily by its awkward syntax: difficult to understand with some odd, even out-of-place details thrown in. You seemed to have some trouble deciding where the focus was, as the narrative went the family upstairs even though we're downstairs, then onto the main character, then to a claustrophobic dream she had... it made the story difficult to enjoy.

*Sheila*
Sleepwriter

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Total: 13*

*The ride down the elevator was a lonely one: *I've seen this style of wording before, and it vexes me more every time I do. Why the "a"? why the "one"? More than my personal dislike, this wording breaks the practical, down to Earth tone you were articulating well.

*When the doors opened...: *New paragraph.

*A chill ran down her spine:* I'm going to have to start handing out heated blankets for all these characters I meet who have chills running down their spines.

*I took a deep breath**, to calm my nerves**:* Did the breath warrant an explanation?

*The beating of her heart, thundered in her ears:* First of all, no comma, but that really is the least of my concerns for this sentence. The entire paragraph shifts to her perspective even though he remains the narrator. How can he conjure her perspective? How can he read her mind? It felt very clumsy and difficult to read.

*Now why would I kill them? There's no emotion in dead eyes: *If this was a last minute attempt to garner sympathy for this guy, it didn't work. I would have actually found the story far more effective without it.

I predicted he was her boyfriend the whole time and this was building up to a twist marriage proposal. Thank you for seeing me wrong.

I actually liked the ending, and feel this interesting idea would be better served with more development. There is potential for far more suspense and intrigue trying to figure out who this guy is (at first thinking he's benign), and what he's going to do.

And seriously, that last line completely ruined the effect for me. I know, it's funny what some people will get hung up on, but I urge you that the last word of the story should have been "murder."

*The Name and The Damned*
LOLeah

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

I believe it was you who wrote what felt like a period piece last month. Even though I am unfamiliar, even unable to identify the period, you present it without throwing it into my face, weaving its details as circumstances demand. You're getting better at that, and your passion for history illuminates the storytelling, drawing me in instead of talking me down.

*Traffic lessened:* Thinned? Dispersed?

*The light increased:* Grew brighter?

*"Rest assured...he is guilty":* What kind of organization is this? If he needs to be assured as to the guilt of the target, then this organization goes after the guilty, and it would already be assumed that the target is guilty. If this particular assassin only goes after targets that the organization can prove are guilty, what use would they have for him, or he for this profession?

You explain it a little, but I'm not satisfied. This guy just seems soft to be in this line of work. The thought of a picaresque in which a morally-ambiguous assassin works for a corrupt assassins guild in a corrupt world can be intriguing (even though Assassin's Creed sort of ran off with that one), but this guy, I half-expected him to give his target a band-aid.

By the way, I'm almost tempted to be curious about the priest's crime but, well...

*Light*
Bevo

Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 9*

*Fade to black:* Clichés are acceptable when unavoidable.

*This power **was** supreme in all it **does**: *Pick your tense.

Key term here: narrative distance. The story reads like a synopsis. I keep asking myself "He's flying me over this grand story, telling me a lot; why isn't he showing me?" When I got to the end, I could see that you were leading up to an analogy. This didn't make it better.

Instead of segwaying from this analogy to the sick child (and there are plenty of great ways to do this), you cut to it, flat out explaining to me what everything means.

It's hard to decipher what I want to criticize more: the lack of feeling in the story of this commander I've seen too many times before, or the way you tried to make it all fit in the end. But to me, both of these aspects fell way short.

Cancer is a sensitive topic; if you're going to use it to try to make your audience cry, give the subject matter the attention it deserves. Make it feel like more than a dramatic instrument.

*I See You*
KnightPlutonian

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

Good title--- I like the sudden contrast.

*In truth **he** burned her:* Really, guy? This was such a good setup until now. It sounded fantastic, and the mention of her burning her arm on the stove was awesome in its suspicious presentation. Do you really think I don't know what "At least that's what she tells everyone" means? I was _scared_ of not knowing what really happened to her. Do what you will, this for me killed what was shaping up to be a great intro.

A lot of mixed feelings for me here.

At first I wanted to praise the flow of your prose and the addictive way of your voice. Then I wanted to criticize the ham-fisted sob stories, then I wanted to criticize the lack of focus. I wanted to tell you these descriptions deserve a bigger story than this. I still want to tell you some of these things, but you banished much of it with the final sentence:

*A coin falls into the cup* and it all fell into place (A big thank you for not spelling out for us that he was a beggar, by the way). The application of the prompt was as beautiful as your description of this little world.

What, then, do I still want to tell you?

This little world deserves a bigger story.
*
The Disappearance of Michael Reeves*
astroannie

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Total: 17*

*Mr. Reeves--- Michael: *Many writers would feel obliged to back this up with "I had told him to call me Michael several times before he started to catch on." Sometimes it's the things we don't explain that make our words effective.

*I saw a paper cave where my **body** tented the paper towel: *We all knew the word you really wanted here. (Note that I made this joke before I got to the end).

*I was totally invisible:* I would strike this.

*I could still feel it when I pinched myself, but I saw nothing:* You know, I really like this touch. I actually took a few seconds to reflect on my perception of being invisible: It's easy to think that your physical properties would somehow change--- you would be lighter or smoother or softer, but you ground us by showing that he still has weight, that his molecules are intact, that being invisible is the only thing different about his body.

It just hit me. Oh my God, you're brilliant.

Throughout this story, I'm asking myself two things: "What is Compound Q anyway?" and "I know this seemingly mundane scene is going to pay off."

Then I got to that last sentence.

I had to think about it, because I knew there had to be something about that line. Let's see... Ferraris are for guys with small dicks, right? But what does that have to do with... he was naked on the table... pitching a tent... Compound Q... she's a genius.

You knew where you wanted to go and were probably excited to get there, but you didn't rush as so many others do--- even providing new insight into being invisible which I really enjoyed.

You took a risk picking such an obvious topic for this prompt and it paid off big.
*
Godfrey's Dilemma*
rcallaci

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
*Total: 16*

I'm not sure if I'm only noticing this now, or if there is a difference in your storytelling this time around (I don't think so), but I detect a welcomingness (if you will) to your writing. You can articulate serious ideas without taking yourself too seriously, easing the reader into your story without making them feel like they have to pass through a large black gate to enter your world. I suspect that when the blackness does come, most of us will not have known what hit us.

*Men and women are equal partners no matter what our supposed creator and benefactor says: *An interesting line, profound actually. I think it would have been more interesting without "supposed." By just saying "no matter what our creator says", it puts focus on the aspect of this line that interests me: maybe the creator doesn't have the right to dictate his own creations.

*He felt that Man being physically stronger and more mathematically minded would be better suited to play the dominant role between the sexes: *Sounds to me like they'd make better slaves.

*His wife, Dr. Luciferose Satanna Deville: *There's something subtle about how unsubtle this is.

There's also something about your approach: you chose to be over-the-top at the exact time it works, and I actually end up finding humorous the kind of jokes I never would otherwise. Your enjoyment of what you do combined with the good sense to apply it properly shows in every word. Crazy as your stories can get, the prose is among the most solid I've seen. You enjoy what you do and are comfortable and confident in your ability to do it. I may not be your target audience, but you have my respect.

*The Buck*
tdelozier

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 10*

Try to limit your adjectives... and your adverbs.

*I've climbed hills that looked the same as the next and found a picturesque view of a creek at the bottom: *A few reasons this sentence does not work: you start with something that happens regularly (I've climbed hills...) ending with something that happened once (found a picturesque view); doesn't match up. The other reason: the point isn't strong, and could have been more effective with a simpler approach, maybe an explanation of how the sight of a hill gives him hope, providing a theme of being excited by what he does not know as opposed to fearing the unknown.

*I breach the next hill and crouch **down**to wait**: *As opposed to crouching up? And you're not crouching to wait, you're crouching to hide.

*You don't see me, I think to myself: *Nice prompt plug.

This guy took himself way too seriously, so extra points for killing him off, or at least seriously injuring him.

The main problem here, it just wasn't that engaging. This guy was a lot more excited by what he was doing than I was. I didn't pick up a strong theme, which I thought you might have been going for with the "over-the-hill" reference. It just didn't do it for me.

*Lodger*
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 15*

I think there's an intimidation among many writers when considering an elderly protagonist (at least that's what I'm telling myself the reason is for lack of such attempts); I'm glad you took it on--- it's refreshing.

And it helps that I happened to be listening to soft jazz while reviewing this one.

*She was sad that night:* Nahh, you're doing just fine by showing. No need to tell.

I liked this one.

Alice's near automatic realization and acceptance of the matter is reflective of her initial desperation, perhaps hinting at a psychosis hidden from the narrative. You express her situation well. I felt for this woman and felt her happiness when she found it, however she truly did find it.

A typo held you back a peg--- don't let it happen again.

*Harbinger*
Euripides

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

*I could do nothing for him. The only thing I could do...:* The second sentence both contradicts and obsoletes the first.

*Dying turned out to be very anti-climactic:* you're doing a fine job describing--- leave the conclusions to your reader.

Tough one.

You have a good idea here, that's the good news. But it's really all you have. But it is a good idea. "Forgotten in death as in life" was an awesome sentiment, and the tone and articulation of this man's experience is almost perfect. But there's a lot of concept given for so short a story. This idea deserves more attention, and more development than this contest allows.

*Green River*
Godofwine

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 9*

*...the man tied to **a wheelchair that echoed across the park**:* Must be a loud wheelchair.

*"Burning, drowning, and being eaten alive":* I know this is subjective, but _drowning_? What about being buried alive, crucifixion, disembowelment, skinned? I guess drowning can be pretty scary though. And apparently all Wallace has is a river so he has to make it fit. Makes sense.

*"Since all I have is a river...":* "How conveniently anticlimactic," Randal murmured in reply.

Well, that was unpleasant. Maybe Wallace ought to talk to somebody?

*Death's Game*
Midnightpoet

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 10*

*It felt like it was still 105 in the shade:* Does 105 feel different in the shade than out in the open? And was it 105 or was it not? If not, this guy's a bit of a queen.

...and stomped around on him a while: I like the apathetic tone--- provides some humor while getting under the skin, makes one think about the kind of world you're presenting.

*...even the whores and drug dealers had gone to ground:* I thought this part of town was empty anyway?

*A big .357 magnum: *Does the .357 magnum come in medium and small as well?

Junior didn't take the guy's gun when he knocked him out? What is he, stupid? Well, yes, you made that clear long in advance. I'm just not sure if conflict with a stupid villain, whether you set it up right or not, makes for an enjoyable read outside of comedy.

*Warmth*
Pluralized

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

Well, you tried to make me feel sorry for a tapeworm. I can't deny you credit for that undertaking. You failed. But you tried.

*Ghost*
T.S. Bowman

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

Solid prose--- the voice is quick to garner sympathy.

But the story could have garnered more emotion.

There are details that should be there, such as to make the situation less generic (you can be relatable without being generic). It seems that either these 522 words belong at the end of a longer story, or there should have been a few more words.

Again, the story was carried further by the voice. Make this man more alive (so to speak) and he'll draw tears aplenty.

*Neither Here Nor There*
inkwellness

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

*I died...:* I would have started here.

And it doesn't matter to the story how he died, so why the painstaking detail? All you had to say was "smart car" and most of us will get it.

*"Molly, don't talk to your mother like that"..."You're still my little birdie": *Should these two lines be in the same paragraph?

*I may be an old fogey but I know what smoking a bowl means: *Well it is... sort of obvious. In fact I think the generation to first start using the expression are all old fogeys by now.

*Poor decision-making practices: *Strike "practices".

*Trying to make like an adult:* Yeah, smoking bowls is for adults only!

Did you skip over something? Did he suddenly see her years later? I'm not sure I really get it. I see your attempt at emotion, but there was no aim that I could see. I would have liked more meaning to what he saw, more purpose: as for emotion, a more genuine connection between he and his daughter. You give her one sentence where she sheds some tears at her father's picture then she's off to smoke a bowl. More focus. Maybe he could tell her to do or not to do something while he watches her, and she will make that decision, as though she can hear him, the truth being that he just raised her right and can go now.

*Buried Deep*
Joshybo

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

Not much to get hung up on here; the piece read smoothly. Perhaps a few sentences with too many words---

*He slipped into the hole **his wife was standing in**.*

*Her voice shook against the tears **running down her cheeks* (Though I'm not sure I entirely understand the meaning of the sentence anyway... both are happening at the same time, but where is the opposition? Why is anything "against"?)

*"It's been two years, April! **Matthew's been dead for two years!*(This is a much softer criticism as I could see somebody saying it like this, I'm just not sure if my own characters would)

*"Stop it, April! Just stop it!":* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWtO0cfgewY

I rarely find myself (more specifically my stomach) in agreement with the word "upon".

I liked that idea of his having to dig the hole back in yet again. My only big criticism is that (and this is a common criticism of mine among good writers) this should have been more developed--- it just doesn't feel complete, doesn't feel fulfilling, in its current state. But the potential is clear.

*The Pootle Effect*
Bazz Cargo

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

Very smooth read: solid prose, interesting subject matter.

I'm not sure about the reference to magic. Was this concerning science fiction? That's not usually a matter of magic.

Either way, this felt too short (of course the true depth of wit is probably eluding me). Maybe stories about acceptance are just not to my pleasure at this particular time in my life.

*At the End of the World*
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

Another story calling on creation enters the pit. Interesting.

There were some moments here that really worked, like when the two stopped bickering and shared a silent moment in lament. It was genuine and emotional. But the bickering, which covered most of the piece, was so prissy, flowery, wordy and so expository that I was barely able to stay engaged.

I would try to use the word "upon" only when it blends seamlessly with the prose. Neither of the two uses here did.

*Shooba Dooba*
Ibb

*20*

I don't know where to begin.

From the first sentence I was hooked. And the sentence became a paragraph.

Your voice was passive without being pretentious. You set a solid tone. You bracket an opening paragraph of long sentences with short sentences. The longer are smooth and informative, the shorter focused and gripping.

The language was masterful, the structure brilliant. I feel the painstaking effort behind every sentence, the meticulous placement of every word, the obsessive proofreading, and how it all fell into place. This is the result not only of enviable talent, but of exemplary hard work.

It was funny, it was sad; it was subtle, it was silly; and I was more deeply entranced by your prose with every word.

The details constantly imply that the bird had prior knowledge of these people, that he was following them, and followed up on them (especially the burglar). He cared enough, as cynical and condescending his outlook on humans, to find out why they did what they did. And even though he followed up to learn more than what he told here, he makes it clear that this is all he chose to tell. Perhaps out of respect for their privacy, or in the futility of trying to fix humanity? So much character is revealed in this bird and so much speculation can be drawn just in what he does and does not say and how he chooses to say it.

You weren't trying to yank the tears out of my eyes, you just wanted to tell a good story about flawed people through the perspective of a curious, intelligent and pompous bird. You succeeded.
*
Chaos*
W.Goepner

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

Some interesting philosophies lie here, and you articulate them smoothly more or less (the first paragraph seemed a little out of place to me). There wasn't really a narrative as much as a lecture, which can work, there just wasn't enough here to really engage me. Usually it helps to weave ideas like this in with a plot or at least a character (which you can argue there is, but really it's just a narrator).

Again, some interesting ideas to apply to a story--- I would like to have seen that story.[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Amsawtell's Scores.]                          Scores Amsawtell


*Neighbours*
Meteli

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *14/20

I have no idea what this story has to do with the neighbors, being ill, or the weird friend. I don’t know who’s real or what’s going on. The narrator is obviously untrustworthy by the end and in a story this short it just leads to more questions and makes the story feel incomplete _unless_ we know from the beginning that we’re in for an untrustworthy narrator.

That said, this story is very cleanly written and could have been interesting if the narration had been more clear.

*Sheila*
Sleepwriter

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *2/5
*Effect*: 3/10

*Overall: *10/20

The shifting POV does not work for me. If it’s intended to be first person then how does the narrator know what Sheila is thinking and/or feeling? This story would work much better if the POV was tighter. This would be strong and creepy if the narration had stuck with the stalker.

*The Named and The Damned*
LOLeah

*SPaG: *3.5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *12.5/20

Typically in the title any “the” not starting the title is not capitalized.

“I counted as I rushed passed them . . .”
Passed should be _past_.

Otherwise, I think this was an interesting story with a character I’d like to know more about. 

*I See You*
Knightplutonium

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 7/10

*Overall: *15/20

I think this would be harder-hitting and more poignant had there been fewer fragments. All of the sentence fragments make it feel like it’s disjointed. How does this narrator know all of this about these people? I like how all of these little vignettes tie in to one another.

“In truth her _he_ burned her . . .”
This should be “In truth _he_ burned her . . .”

*Light*
Bevo

*SPaG: *1/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect*: 2/10

*Overall: *6/20

The emotional impact was lessened by the clumsy shift and poor, unoriginal metaphor. I can’t tell who’s talking or when someone is talking throughout this piece.

“ . . . we lost many due to the organized efficiency of which their leaders posses.”
This could be more efficiently stated. Also, _posses_ should be _possess_. Example: “ . . . we lost many due to the organized efficiency their leaders possess.”

“The murky gloom of the Over the battlefield suddenly changed, detail was now found where there was blurs, shadows faded, color’s became vibrant.”
What? Just what?

“Soldiers, when this battle started you watched your teammates die, you lost to our enemy but we overcame that, we are strong, invincible and able to take on what comes our way. Go into battle with this twilight with the weapons we provide you, know this, what comes before us lives, what lives can die. With a loud cheer the soldiers before me turned marching off to battle the light.”
The first sentence is a run-on and should be re-punctuated. The second sentence doesn’t make much sense if read out of context and is also a run-on sentence. The last sentence should be in their own paragraph as the action doesn’t belong to the speaker.

“. . . victory was ours, are armies . . .”
_Are_ should be “our.”

“ . . . it looks like the cancer is loosing . . .”
Losing.

“ . . . I held my mothers hand . . .”
There should be an apostrophe in “mothers.” (She possess the hand that’s being held hence the need for the apostrophe).

*The Disappearance of Michael Reeves*
AstroAnnie

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 8/10

*Overall: *18/20

This story actually made me laugh. You’ve done a great job on the pacing and characterization in this odd situation. I can (figuratively) see this guy’s excitement.


*Godfrey’s Dilemma*
rcallaci

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 8/10

*Overall: *16/20

Of all of the entries this round this was my favorite.

". . . who and what they where and of the previous humanities failings."
Where should be "were" and the end of this sentence is oddly worded. Humanities should include an apostrophe at the end to indicate possessiveness.

All of your SPaG mistakes were spent in this one sentence so great job.

*THE BUCK*
tdelozier

*SPaG: *2/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect*: 3/10

*Overall: *8/20

I'll start off by admitting that I'm not a hunter myself. However, I'm from Missouri and deer-hunting is just behind football in our collective passions and I have heard enough hunting stories to say that this is unrealistic. Yes, hunting accidents do happen but usually they're self-inflicted. I was under the impression that this character wasn't taking standard safety precautions like wearing an orange vest (at least in Missouri it's state law that an orange vest and cap must be worn. The orange must be unbroken in color). In that case it isn't surprising that he was shot.

"Walking with stealth I peer . . ."
There should be a comma after stealth.

"Less than 10 feet . . ."
This differs from style guide to style guide but anything below 20 is typically written out in a narrative.

I'd also like to point out that hunting rifles aren't sighted for anything that close (I do enjoy firing ranges).

" . . . I put him in my sites . . ."
Sites should be sights.


*Lodger*
Anonymous

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 8/10

*Overall: *17/20

This was creepy and funny at the same time. There seems to be a formatting problem, as I’m typing this on my phone I understand formatting issues so I’m not counting down. Alice seems to be the kind of old lady I think I might become.

“My basement lightbulb must be out, it won’t come one . . .”
One should be on.

*Harbringer*
Euripides

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *13/20

This reminded me of that TV show, “Dead Like Me,” which isn’t too bad because I liked the show but I don’t think that’s what you intended. 

“ . . . we’re the Reapers backlog . . .”
I’m beginning to feel as though I’ve been repeating myself this round but Reapers needs an apostrophe to indicate possessiveness.

*Green River*
Godofwine

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *13/20

The writing was fairly clean and the voice consistent. I’m wondering how he moved quickly enough that the _trained_ deputy didn’t have time to squeeze the trigger of a gun already aimed at Wallace.

“ . . . his mouth agape but made no sound.”
There’s a problem with tense here. It should be making no sound to fit with the rest of the sentence.

*GHOST*
T.S. Bowman

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 7/10

*Overall: *16/20

This was well done, very sweet and poignant.

*Warmth *
Pluralized

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 8/10

*Overall: *18/20

Pluralized, you are a master of the gross and creepy. The only thing I can really pick at is the asterisked action but I understand where it’s coming from so I’m not counting against it—I just think that you’re a better writer than that.

*Death’s Game*
midnightpoet

*SPaG: *3/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 7/10

*Overall: *14/20

This was interesting.

“ . . . would be in the part of town after midnight.”
The should be either this or that.

“A p. i. like me . . .”
P. I. should be capitalized.

I’d like to know why Junior’s gun was named but narrator’s gun was not. I would assume that the narrator is more familiar with his weapon than the person he’s pursuing.

*NEITHER HERE NOR THERE*
Inkwellness

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 6/10

*Overall: *16/20

This was very cleanly written and the voice feels realistic--or as realistic as a ghostly father for a narrator can be.

*Buried Deep*
Joshybo

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 8/10

*Overall: *18/20

I am not truly comfortable with judging this entry as this hits really close to home for me.

*The Pootle Effect.*
Bazz Cargo

*SPaG: *5/5
*Tone: *5/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *15/20

The only thing I can tell you this time Bazz is that the phrase "shoestring on a diet budget" came across a little oddly to my ear. I get what it means but I had to read it over a couple times.

*At the End of the World*
Ephemeral_One

*SPaG: *2/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 6/10

*Overall: *12/20

I generally find it difficult to identify with angels and demons as it is but when they're written with a deliberate distance it's even harder to identify and form an emotional bond.

" . . . draped in a ivory suit."
A should be "an."

"The Angel sighed to himself placing a hand upon his cheek."
There's punctuation missing here.

" . . . Demon seemed to melt into it's own shadow."
It's should not have an apostrophe.

" . . . the main star would swallow it whole."
What other star does the earth orbit?

*Shooba Dooba*
Ibb

*SPaG: *4/5
*Tone: *4/5
*Effect*: 2/10

*Overall: *10/20

You write cleanly and with a clear voice but I think that perhaps your writing is too experimental for me. I felt cheated by the ending.

" . . . after wetting your appetite . . ."
Wetting should be whetting--as in sharpening.

*Chaos*
W. Goepner

*SPaG: *1/5
*Tone: *3/5
*Effect*: 5/10

*Overall: *9/20

Goepner, your writing is becoming clearer and cleaner and I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. 

“The fireball needed components of Bat guano and Sulfer.”
Sulfer is spelled “sulpher.” Also Bat and Sulfer shouldn’t be capitalized.

“Every thing would have to stop, literally.“
Every thing is one word.

“Our creation is a example of such chaos, even within religion.”
Before a word starting with a vowel “a” changes to “an.”

“The simple cells, which is the make up of our bodies . . .”
Like everything in this case make up is meant to be one word.

I think this would work better if it had been a little more focused.



   [/spoiler2]

Any mistakes are probably mine, this is my first go at being Folcro's factotum.

The Flash thread is now open if anyone wants to spend a few 'likes.'


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## Bevo

Thank you for posting the scores, all of them were great and it was a treat for me to submit my story. This was the first time I have written publicly, you guys made it easy and opened some new door.

I came in fourth but I feel as if I won!
Congratulations to all the other winners!


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## bazz cargo

Hi Bevo,
pleased to meet you.

Everyone who took part did a bang up job. The LM is the best way to get past the blindness of ego and learn how others perceive your work. 

Handshakes all round.


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## Ephemeral_One

Thank you for the words and congrats to our winners. 

And Pancreas, mine was pretty much a tribute to Terry Pratchett, which is why I didn't bother to name the demon and Angel.


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## escorial

well done


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## midnightpoet

Thanks to the judges, and congrats to the winners.  I was going for hard-boiled pulp fiction, maybe if Wallace was played by Samuel L. Jackson...

Some of this was over the top, I'll admit.  I adapted it from a much longer piece from my journal records, and one of these days I'll get off my posterior and work it into a short story.  I think whacking it down took a lot out of it, but you've given me some things to think about.


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## LOLeah

Congratulations KnightPlutonian! Great story, well deserved.

Thank you to all the judges...I really appreciate how much time this all takes. For my 2nd try I only wanted to beat my 1st try score...which didn't happen. lol Ah well, try, try again.


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## Pluralized

Nice job, everyone - congrats to KnightP, Kilroy, and Joshy. You guys are excellent. 

Bazzo - can you add 'May 2015 - LM -' to the thread title on this one? That way the score thread can be easily found when people are looking at these scores in a few years.


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## rcallaci

Congrats to the winners-KnightP, Kilroy and josh- interesting and creative work- Much appreciation to the judges -thank you for your time and dedication.

I love these LM's they get my creative juices to kick in gear. I'm really not a sexist idiot I'm just funning around 


warmest
bob


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## T.S.Bowman

While I have to admit that I am somewhat disappointed that I didn't score a little better, I am encouraged by the reactions from the judges.  I didn't do a whole lot of rewriting on that story so I am pretty pleased with how I finished. A lot more pleased than disappointed at least. 

As always, thanks to the judges for their time ansd effort in scoring this challenge. I have judged the Colors of Fiction, normally with a lot fewer entries (which is something that should change because it's a GREAT way to stretch out the writing muscles) and I know how time consuming it can be.

@Shinyford - I understand what you meant about trying to fit an entire life into so few words. What I was trying to do was touch on certain "milestones." I know that not using all the words available worked against me. 

@panc - I think this is the first time in my writing life I have been told that something I wrote was "overdone" as far as wording. LOL. Normally I get kicked in the pants for being too minimalistic. The mixed tones at the beginning were a result of the ghost not really knowing what had happened to him. I tried to relate that and it seems that things got a bit muddled. Live, write and learn, I guess. 

@Folcro - Bringing him more to life was something that I just couldn't quite figure out. I wanted him to not know how he had gotten to where he was and the only way I could think of to make him more "alive" would have been to bring in memories that he wouldn't have had. I put myself into the odd position of trying to write from the perspective of a ghost. Having never been one, it was tough. LOL

@Amsawtell - Thanks for enjoying the story.

Congratulations to the winners.


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## KnightPlutonian

Yay! I got my first badge! I can train Pokémon up to level 20 now!

Thanks to the judges and the other guys/gals that competed, you did awesome!


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## TKent

Congrats to the winners!!


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## Bevo

I forgot to thank the judges for the critique, great advice!

Thank you!


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## bazz cargo

A big thank you to Shiny, Pancy, Folcy and Ammy, I think you make an excellent bench...

Congratulations to Knighty, Kilroy and Josh.

Pootle is a UK slang word, it means slow. Sunday drivers pootle along. 

In thinking up my LM entry I hit a big problem, the subject is very nerdish and would require a massive amount of words that would be an excellent cure for insomnia. Writing a whole new and imaginary set of laws of physics is something I will save for a wet Wednesday after I retire, or possibly die.

My question still stands, what is the difference between science and magic?


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## joshybo

Thank you very much to the judges for your time and critiques, and congratulations to KnightPlutonian and kilroy214!  I'm thrilled with third place this time.  The quality of the competition was outstanding and you two definitely deserve your wins.  I can't wait to get started on next month's entry now, haha.


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## W.Goepner

Shinyford, Thepancres, Folcro, Amsawtell, Thank you to the four of you for your time and effort.

I do not remember my word count, so I do not know for sure where I could have made more of a story out of this, rather than a seminar type lecture. I am sure if I added a class of students to the mix it might have been better.

I find myself struggling to find a story which fit categories as these challenges require of us. Quite often I end up doing just as I did here, creating a lecture in the subject and no story to entice the reader. Though a story can ensue from the lecture, where here I do not have the word count to create it. 

In general the characters were the readers, the story was in the lecture to you, the reader. So my question to you; what did this spark in your mind?


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## aj47

bazz cargo said:


> My question still stands, what is the difference between science and magic?



Whether you understand how it's done.


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## Sleepwriter

congrats to KnightPlutonian, Kilroy214 and Joshybo!!



@  Judges   Thank you for your time and feedback.    This was my first attempt at changing POV while writing a story.    Folcro,  as I read over it again. I agree, I should have ended it with murder.


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## inkwellness

Congratulations on your first badge KnightPlutonian. Kudos! And congrats to Kilroy and Joshybo. Your stories were amazing. I can tell you writers take your craft seriously. You set a high bar for the rest of us to aspire towards.

Judges, once again, thank you for generously donating your time to this endeavor. I did not win but I came away satisfied and was given ample feedback and suggestions from the judges on how I may improve.


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## Ariel

Congratulations to all of the entrants.  Thank you Bazzie for hosting, and thank you to the rest of the judges for donating your time.


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## W.Goepner

bazz cargo said:


> My question still stands, what is the difference between science and magic?





astroannie said:


> Whether you understand how it's done.



astroannie, touched the answer. Forgive me I will try to not get too involved here.

Magic is the manipulation of ones environment through powers unknown. Science is the explanation of those powers. 

To further explain; We as logical people, look at magic and say it is an illusion. A person who knows magic will say otherwise, but most magic which we see today, is illusion. Real magic is very similar to science, because science can measure it. Science with its tools and instruments can detect and measure the energy which is found around and in true magic. Because of this the science community has declared magic as nonexistent. With the exception that science cannot explain where the power comes from and what creates the power. The unknown factor to magic is how one obtains the ability to do energy manipulation.

The only difference in magic and science is, the source of the power. For instance; Levitation, the ability to lift and hold an object aloft without the use of visible mechanical aid, like wires etc. Where with true magic one would achieve it through energy manipulation. If science were able to contrive a means of delivering this energy manipulation, then science could claim a full understanding of magic. Right now science is very close to doing just that.

Lecture over. Any questions?


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## Pluralized

> The unknown factor to magic is how one obtains the ability to do energy manipulation.


Eh?



> Where with true magic one would achieve it through energy manipulation.


By virtue of definition, isn't 'True Magic' a fallacy until such time as empirical standards or verifiable results can be documented? I would, therefore, submit that 'Magic' is a sufficient term in the interim.


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## joshybo

Pluralized said:


> By virtue of definition, isn't 'True Magic' a fallacy until such time as empirical standards or verifiable results can be documented? I would, therefore, submit that 'Magic' is a sufficient term in the interim.



Not if we're talking about Magic: The Gathering, the trading card game.  That's a real thing already.  And there's no use disagreeing with me.  I've got one colorless and two blue mana untapped and a counterspell in hand.  Take that, logic.

Well, I've embarrassed myself sufficiently now.  Carry on.


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## J Anfinson

Congrats, KnightP. 

Thanks to the judges, and great job putting together the scores, bazz.


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## musichal

Adding my congratulations to KnightP - great story.


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## aj47

Congrats to the winners and thanks to the judges.  I'll write more later.


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## W.Goepner

Pluralized said:


> Eh?
> 
> 
> By virtue of definition, isn't 'True Magic' a fallacy until such time as empirical standards or verifiable results can be documented? I would, therefore, submit that 'Magic' is a sufficient term in the interim.



Magic as we call it today is mere illusion, slight of hand, trickery of the eye.

True Magic, as I stated, is the manipulation of energy to a means which anything might be possible. Though by today's standard there is no True Magic or people who can use it, at least not known by the non magic persons and the science community. 

By all means you may call it anything you wish, I simply used the term to clarify the differences I wished to detail. Magic is magic, it depends only on how one wishes to convey their meaning.


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## W.Goepner

Pluralized said:


> W.Goepner said:
> 
> 
> 
> _The unknown factor to magic is how one obtains the ability to do energy manipulation._
> 
> 
> 
> Eh?
Click to expand...


What is it you or I, or anyone needs to be able to manipulate energy. Like in "Star Wars" they use Mitaclorins(or some variant of the word) to share the force/power of the universe. What is the meadian needed to do so now here today?


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## Pluralized

W.Goepner said:


> What is the meadian needed to do so now here today?



Ah, okay. Clears it right up.


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## J Anfinson

Boy meets girl. They get a motel room and the scene fades to black. Nine months later there is now a boy, a girl, and an infant...

Magic.


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## Foxee

bazz cargo said:


> My question still stands, what is the difference between science and magic?


Knowledge.

Edit: And unicorn toots.


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## W.Goepner

Foxee said:


> Knowledge.
> 
> Edit: And unicorn toots.



wee need a cymbal crash smiley here.


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## Pluralized




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## musichal

The difference between science and magic is the spiritual realm which science, despite some claims to the contrary, can neither qualify nor quantify.  Some scientists deny its existence but many accept it.  Perhaps the spirit-world's most salient feature is Mystery.


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## W.Goepner

musichal said:


> The difference between science and magic is the spiritual realm which science, despite some claims to the contrary, can neither qualify nor quantify.  Some scientists deny its existence but many accept it.  Perhaps the spirit-world's most salient feature is Mystery.



This is a definition of magic I had not come up with. It is a matter of spirit, interesting.


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## midnightpoet

tvtropes.org has some good articles on magic as used in fiction, if anyone is interested.


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## Meteli

Congrats to the winners and thank you for judges.
My stories tend to have supernatural elements though not magic itself as of yet. If you can offer magic as an explanation, sometimes it serves as the shortest possible explanation: How does it work? Magic! OK. But it is best to have some kind of underlying logic and also laws and constraints for magic. Makes it more interesting.


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## Phil Istine

bazz cargo said:


> My question still stands, what is the difference between science and magic?



I read a Dennis Wheatley novel very many years ago and one of the lines stuck with me.
"Today's magic is tomorrow's science."
I imagine that it's about timing


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