# Scores: April 2020 LM - Alien Visit



## velo (May 2, 2020)

*April 2020 LM Scores for "Alien Visit" *​
[spoiler2="BornForBurning"]
*TALL JONAH*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 2/5*
*Evaluation: 2/5*
*Reaction: 2/5*
*Total: 11/20*


In this piece, an unspecified 'world-wide pandemic' forms the thematic backdrop. No idea where the author might have gotten that idea. Altogether, a fairly bland piece. It's easy to see what works: the alien boy has a somewhat interesting voice. The real challenge is figuring out what precisely went wrong here. Despite my sarcastic opening line, the premise really isn't the trouble. The problem is execution, especially execution of voice. I feel nothing, because the prose has no personality. In fact, personality was so lacking that I wrote up an entire paragraph explaining how you should try writing in first-person, then went back and realized the story was in first person. This is bad. Really bad.


Here's a concrete example: when the main character says 'brilliant', I have absolutely no idea what he means. Is he being sarcastic? Genuine? I don't know, because his character is so utterly bland. He has no emotional thrust.


Another note: the elements of the story aren't necessarily dissonant, but neither do they form a cohesive whole. There is no reason why this story needed to occur during a pandemic. There is no reason the main character needed to be writing a story when the visit occurred. In general, this story lacked voice, and it lacked thrust. In that sense, it wasn't really a story at all. More a jumbled mess of random elements.




*EVERY WORD OF THIS IS TRUE*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 3.5/5*
*Evaluation: 3/5*
*Reaction: 3/5*
*Total: 14.5/20*


This was a pretty okay piece. Sorry, I felt a need to take a half-point off because it didn't really fit with the prompt. Still, good job. Gave me good feels, maybe because I also used to live in a neighborhood with a green canopy, before I moved away and they cut all the elms down. Sometimes the imagery became so wordy my eyes started to glaze over. Try to avoid that. I wish the plot had started a bit earlier, considering this is flash. Scene-setting without obvious motion or plot isn't that interesting to me, even really good scene-setting.




*EXPEDITION TO EARTH*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 4/5*
*Evaluation: 4/5*
*Reaction: 4/5*
*Total: 17/20*


Hey, I actually enjoyed this, nice. Great motion, I was pulled in from the first sentence. Good setup in your opening paragraph. I knew what was going to happen, but I was engaged regardless. The main character was interesting. I enjoyed seeing things from his perspective, watching the disaster unfold through unfamiliar eyes. There was one world-building catch: that the Teddy Bear was a 'tribal totem.' I thought the Aliens believed that humanity was an advanced civilization? Small screw-up, didn't notice on my first read.




*CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 3/5*
*Evaluation: 3.5/5*
*Reaction: 3/5*
*Total: 14.5/20*


The word that comes to mind is 'awkward.' He's a horrible racist, and his wife isn't, but she doesn't care? Eh? So I couldn't by that. I also didn't get why he was scared. Felt a bit like 'anything is bad enough to hit the villains with.' His moral transformation felt very forced. It felt like what you were trying to do was 'horrible racist realises Mexicans are human.' Okay, but he just jumped into helping them, no questions asked. Felt very disjointed. As stated previously, felt even more disjointed when his wife was the kindest thing ever and didn't seem to care about his racism.


Positives? That initial dialog and action was great. Really pulled me into the scene. Am not a fan of characters speaking extensively in foreign languages, though. As someone who doesn't speak Spanish, it takes me out of the emotional moment.




*JUMPING JACK JIMMY JAM JONES' TRIP TO THE MOON*
*Spelling and Grammar: 4/5*
*Tone and Voice: 3.5/5*
*Evaluation: 3/5*
*Reaction: 2.5/5*
*Total: 13/20*


This creeped me out. Satanic women devouring tiny men is never a good motif to have running around unexamined. Lots of grammatical rules broken in this, but it was kinda part of the style so I won't dock you many points. Felt like some insane, sex-addled nightmare. Definitely more on the poetry side of flash fiction than the story side. The squeeky weeny tinny winny stuff was a bit overdone at the beginning. Good job at building a solid sense of place while also moving the story along. Important skill in flash fiction. Not sure how I feel about it not being clear at the beginning that 'She' and the Devil are the same person. Actually, I dislike it. Would have been more interesting if you'd brought that whole idea to a sharp point right at the beginning, as opposed to keeping it obscure.


Honestly, I'd rate this higher, but it felt succubi-influenced. Satan begone! Maybe find a way to write in this kind of style that doesn't lean so heavily on humongous sentences. That way, you can communicate your insane, schizophrenic thoughts more clearly, anonymous author.




*DON'T PULL WHEN IT SAYS PUSH*
*Spelling and Grammar: 4.5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 2/5*
*Evaluation: 3/5*
*Reaction: 4/5*
*Total: 13.5/20*


I am no expert in grammar, but I think there were some run-on sentences here, or at least a few places where a comma would have been appropriate. The largest failing of this piece is the prose itself. It's awkward and clunky, and not in a good way. I re-read a lot of stuff just because the way you construct sentences is wordy and confusing. However, a strong positive is that it did all pull together and become a real story by the end. That was nice, a good note to end on. The emotional whole finally revealed itself. I wish that the narration would have reflected the ending themes more strongly. An intellectual or 'literary' type voice is not a bad thing, and actually works for this piece. But the reality is the sentence-by-sentence prose just isn't that great. Don't get me wrong. I think this has potential, and I think you have potential. You just need more man hours, so to speak.


Also, the opening line was absolutely atrocious.




*INEVITABILITY*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 2.5/5*
*Evaluation: 2/5*
*Reaction: 3/5*
*Total: 12.5/20*


Very mediocre, but the opening was strong. I was intrigued by the themes, and the voice was engaging. Unfortunately, the dialog between the two microbes was boring, predictable, and had very little real conflict. Slightly cynical person narrates things we already know to impressionable child. The dialog in and of itself was okay. But even the most brilliant dialog fails if it doesn't have a good story to tell. The dialog was what kept this from being a complete dumpster fire, but it doesn't really keep it afloat. Maybe 'leaky tugboat leaning on its side' kind of afloat. A good question to ask: if I know exactly how a story is going to resolve and exactly what emotional beats the buildup is going to follow, why am I reading at all?




*THE PAINTING*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 3/5*
*Evaluation: 2.5/5*
*Reaction: 3.5/5*
*Total: 14/20*


Awkward opening. Could be very very good with editing, especially to make the sentences just flow better. Well I have to say, I didn't think all the elements came together very well. There's a lot to like here, but there's also a lot of editing that needs to happen. Things felt rushed, almost like we were zipping from one thing to another. We need more description of what made her come back. We need more understanding of her encounter with the man on the green hills. As it is, this is skeletal. Bare bones. With some work and love, this could be really interesting. I see great imagery, but none of it comes together to form a cohesive whole. And man, when the painting came to life, honestly, I checked out. That was too much, too fast. A horror story like this needs to take its time. Really savor that tension.




*HERE BE MONSTERS*
*Spelling and Grammar: 5/5*
*Tone and Voice: 3/5*
*Evaluation: 3/5*
*Reaction: 2.5/5*
*Total: 13.5/20*


Sort of interesting premise, but it didn't really build to anything particularly engaging. The only thing that really grabbed me was the idea, and the visuals. Those were good, I could really see everything that happened. The problem is that everything else was dull. The characters, the plot, the resolution...honestly, that 'twist' added absolutely nothing. The best you earn with that type of ending is a cynical smirk. Hey, clearly you've got a pretty good grasp of the basic sentence-by-sentence skills. You know how to construct a prose-fiction paragraph. Now you need to figure out how to tell a whole story. Here's a tip: make me care about something. I don't care if the reptiles die. I don't care of the Space Marines die. I don't care if the planet gets nuked. Thus, the whole story has no tension. Figure out to make me care and build that tension.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord"]
*Tall Jonah*
SPaG 5/5 - Didn’t find any mistakes.


T&V 3/5 - I couldn’t really figure out if the voice was meant to be sarcastic or simply childlike. “My English teacher, however, came up with the brilliant idea …” Is this a brilliant idea or a ‘brilliant’ idea?


Evaluation 2.5/5 - At the moment when Jonah first comes into the room, I thought at first he was invisible, because there was no immediate physical description, and because the narrator was less surprised than I would expect. I find the idea that Jonah would find himself ‘gross’ hard to believe. An alien race would have different standards of what is beautiful and ugly in a body. Like, a spider wouldn’t find its eight legs disgusting; it would be disgusted by the idea of having two legs. On the positive, I do think the very end is good.


Reaction 3/5 - I don’t really like the opening, just personally. It crosses over from being relatable to just annoying. I like that traveling to other planets is a bonding thing for the aliens—fun to imagine such a world. And, like I said, I do really like the very last line. The narrator believes he’s dreaming, but I, as a reader, know he’s not. 


13.5/20


*Every Word of This is True*
SPaG 4.5/5 - A half-point off for this sentence: “Even the stumps were chewed out of the ground and spat across the yards in a billion shredded bits by big wheels rimmed with dragon-teeth… and by time.” It’s not clear what noun “...and by time” is meant to refer to. Otherwise, a smooth read.


T&V 3.5/5 - It has a conversational but textured feel, and the descriptions are vivid, if somewhat rambling. Some of the longer sentences lack control.


Evaluation 4/5 - You tell a good slice-of-life story, fleshing out both the narrator and the younger boy in a short space. It is immediately relatable—the loss of the elms, broken and repatched sidewalks, first encounters with books. The ending, though delicate, is enough of a twist to provide closure. However, the moment when they turn the corner is confusing. It seems like you’re saying that the vision of the street with the elms the way the younger boy sees it, but isn’t that how the street looked in the past? I didn’t understand this part, and it made me stumble over what should have been a satisfying close.


Reaction 3.5/5 - Appropriately, this all feels very real. I enjoy the conversation between the narrator and the boy—I’ve been that kid, and I’ve been that adult. Made me smile. That said, this didn’t have that extra spice to really affect me strongly—maybe it’s just because it’s not my preferred genre.


15.5/20


*Expedition to Earth*
SPaG 5/5 No mistakes found.


T&V 4.5/5 - You maintained the academic tone throughout, with the exception of a few colloquial phrases which made it less believable (“brief rundown). This kind of tone probably wouldn’t work for a longer story, but for 648 words I find it very enjoyable.


Evaluation 3.5/5 - I read the story before reading the title, which offered, I think, its proper experience. I did not realize at first that this civilization was earth being examined by aliens. This made it much better because it provided real motion to the story—the slow realization that there was something familiar about this place. The upshot: change the title, so every reader can read it that way. I really fumbled over the inscription on the photo. Since the rest of the story is in English (of course), relating the indiscernibility of an English phrase immediately breaks suspension of disbelief.


Reaction 3.5/5 - I had fun, despite the sadness. I love mock-scientific style. I especially like the alien’s assumption that the teddy bear is a religious totem—sounds like the condescensions we often impose on our own past (I’m always the one arguing that the Lion Man could have been just a toy…)!


16.5/20


*Close Encounters*
SPaG 5/5 - No mistakes I could find.


T&V 4/5 - Smooth style and believable dialogue; I could hear the character’s voices.


Evaluation 4/5 - I appreciate your ability to fit setting, characters, plot, and theme into 650 words, without one element dominating too much. The tension carries the story well. I find Henry’s initial thought that César is attacking him hard to believe—if a man falls to his knees in front of you, it’s pretty clear he’s not a threat, no matter what prejudices you have.


Reaction 3/5 - Henry’s change moved me some, but something about it felt a little too neat.


16/20


*Dont pull when it says push*
SPaG 3.5/5 - Some mistakes: first sentence is a ramble, improper use of colon in the first paragraph, and a missed apostrophe in the title.


T&V 2/5 - The voice is distant and wandering, and takes a while to get to the point, which I find frustrating. Maybe it was intentional, but it didn’t work for me.


Evaluation 2/5 - I found the idea creative but the execution clunky. There was character and motion, but the first half was pretty slow. It really only picked up when he started tugging the door.


Reaction 2.5/5 - Humorous, which was a plus. I found the comment “It’s a door” funny. At the same time, the gravity of the voice crossed over from detached humor into actual sadness for me. The big issue is the slow beginning—I found myself wanting to skip to the end and find out what all this hemming and hawing was about.


10/20


*Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones trip to the Moon*
SPaG 2.5/5 - I get the feeling that the incorrect SPaG is meant to be a style, so I’m not going to go through it line by line. But since I’m not sure, I’m giving half points. If it’s meant to be a style it should be abundantly clear.


T&V 2/5 - The tone feels ‘ironically’ whimsical instead of honestly whimsical, so as a reader I feel mocked. Maybe I am supposed to feel that way?


Evaluation 1.5/5 - It is paced pretty oddly, and I struggle to understand the motivation of the main character. Ideas and world are thrown in very quickly and haphazardly, making it hard to follow.


Reaction 1/5 - I’ve got to be honest. This was really gross. I felt like throwing up after reading it. The first half is just like, ‘that happened,’ but the second half is….well, I don’t have any better word than evil. Look, I'm generally a gentle person, but I also believe in calling a spade a spade. And this was demonic. Like that mocking/dismissive hatred of humanity, that perverse cutesifying and eroticizing of horrific things, and simply my instinctual reaction (I've only ever felt physical nausea based on a piece of media once before, and that was Watain's Reaping Death). Please please don't take this as a compliment. There is real good and real evil in the world. Watch who you're siding with.


...take that as you will….


7/20


*Inevitable*
SPaG 4/5 - Improper use of semicolon here: “No matter how immense the odds are against it; if the exercise was repeated often enough, it would come to pass.” And a missed question mark: “What if I don’t want to evolve.”


T&V 2/5 - The dialogue was unfortunately bland—there wasn’t much distinguishing between the two voices.


Evaluation 2/5 - I found the prokaryote’s character charming enough in his innocence. However, the story was rather plodding. One cell asks questions, the other answers, more questions, repeat. The prokaryote went through rapid changes in desire/motivation without much of an indication why, sometimes even mid-sentence (“Sounds like fun. What if I don’t want to evolve.”). On the plus side, the tie-in to the beginning in the last few lines worked decently well.


Reaction 2/5 - The lack of scientific grounding in a story supposedly based on science was grating—both animal and plant cells are eukaryotic (a prokaryotic cell is a one-cell organism), and the explanation of probability was shaky at best. Unfortunately, I found it hard to connect emotionally to the story or feel the impact when it was revealed how many times humans had destroyed the earth.


10/20


*The Painting*
SPaG 5/5 - No mistakes found.


T&V 5/5 - Conversational, but evocative. You handled the jump to the past well; it felt natural and I didn’t stumble over the tense. Good, specific imagery, both for the everyday details and the surreal moments.


Evaluation 4/5 - This is a dense story, with a lot going on, and it’s impressive that you could fit it into this small space. The characters feel real, and the horror elements are a good surprise without being too abrupt. Although I think you achieved the juxtaposition of father-images, I feel the final moment with her true Father is too fast. I understand running against a word limit—I would have cut “...calling attention to the technical skill and the vivid colors” and “...and I’ve already pushed my chair back and stood up” and used the free words for the ending. If you decide to continue working on it apart from the challenge, just make it longer.


Reaction 4/5 - The creepy moment with the painting really made it for me. It was so well-executed. I love seeing the physical and spiritual realms side by side, interacting, lapsing into each other. Kinda Charles Williams-esque. The moment when the rain begins to pour at the end reminds me of the Rez Band song “Everytime it Rains.”


18/20


*Here Be Monsters*
SPaG 2.5/5 - I don’t know if the fragments (“Underlining the crew's mission …” and “Ominously adding …”) are intentional or not, but they don’t feel ‘right,’ which is very important when breaking grammar rules. “Asked Ryder…” and “Answered the crewman…” shouldn’t be capitalized. The use of apostrophes instead of quotation marks is grating. A few other dialogue mistakes, like here: “'Number One' Pickwick turned to Ryder, 'take a shuttle…” (There should be a period or comma after “One.”) And I think this may be a typo: “‘'Then a few years of a nuclear winter should put paid to them!'”


T&V 3/5 - The voice is relatively smooth, but it doesn’t really ‘pop’ for me.


Evaluation 3.5/5 - I did not figure out that they were visiting earth until the very end, so good job creating a surprise ending. The story was complete but lacked emotional resonance—why do we care about these particular characters, and their encounter with dinosaurs?


Reaction 3/5 - The last line resonated in a way that the rest of the story did not. I like dinosaurs, but I unfortunately didn’t find Pickwick and Ryder very interesting. The surprise was good, though.


12/20



[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="H. Brown"]
*Tall Jonah.(648w)*
*Spag 4/5*
*T&V 3/5*
*Eval 3/5*
*reac 3/5*
*Overall 14/20*
Review: I only found one spag issue when reading through and that was that you needed a line break between two sets of different dialogue. You have a clear narrative voice that runs through out the whole story which I liked making the reader believe that the action happening is real, you give the reader no reason to distrust the narrative voice until the end of the story with your last line. "I hope I can finish this before I wake up." At no point in your story do you make the reader feel like the narrative voice is asleep until this, I found it confusing and unneeded. I would have liked your character of Jonah to have had a little more of a unique voice as to me he sounded just like the narrative voice, maybe have him stumble over more words to make him seem more alien and given him his own personality a little bit more. The overall tone of your story was good and had consistent pacing making the story easy to read. I enjoyed your take on the alien visiting for a social call but I would have liked to have seen more conversation with the alien than we got, maybe cut some of the scene setting in the beginning to allow for more interaction with Jonah. Overall I did enjoy your story. 


*Every Word of This is True.(648w)*
*SPAG 2/5*
*T&V 4/5*
*Eval 3/5*
*Reac 4/5*
*Overall 13/20*
Review: There were a few Spag issues that I came across when reading your story, the first is the long sentence you use: "Trees with wide, giant's arms holding hands with their counterparts rooted in the terraces on the other side of the street creating a verdant canopy over brick pavement; but the trees are all gone now." This sentence is very long and could be broken up, while keeping the imagery. Where you have the semicolon maybe change that in to a full stop, this would make the last bit of this sentence into more of a statement. "There used to be elm trees on the terrace between the sidewalk and curb." In this sentence you missed out 'the' which I noticed happened elsewhere in the story as well. Your narrative voice is clear and strong and you use good dialogue through out which I liked but your pacing suffers from unneeded words which interrupt the pace of the story telling. I really liked your take on the theme instead of writing about extraterrestrials you used the idea of a once familiar place becoming alien to the beholder which I found refreshing, I think with a little bit more work on tightening up the prose so that that the pace and spag issues are resolved this would make for a great story.


*Expedition to Earth(648words)*
*SPAG 5/5*
*T&V 5/5*
*Eval 5/5*
*Reac 4/5*
*Overall 19/20*
Review: Wow. I found no spag issues when reading your story and you perfectly captured the tone and voice of a scientific report, which was maintained through out the whole story. Your use of language was in keeping with a science report while also giving the reader a clear image of what they found on this planet. You set the scene without breaking the overall tone very well. I also felt captivated by your story from start to finish which was great. I have only docked 1 mark on my reaction because I felt that the story became a little tedious towards the end but that could be just my own preference. I was also left wondering at the end is this scientific review given from an alien culture studying what is left of earth or is it earthlings giving the review of an alien planet, I liked this ambiguity and it makes me want to know more.


*Close Encounters (649w)*
*SPAG 4/5*
*T&V 5/5*
*Eval 4/5*
*Reac 5/5*
*Overall 18/20*
Review: I really liked how you blended both english dialogue and spanish together to make your characters different from each other, you use dialogue very well to tell your story. "Strips of bloody flannel were wrapped tightly..." I don't think you need the word were in this sentence, it adds nothing to it but takes away from the pace that you have already set up. I also think that "He yelled, trying to keep the fear from his voice..." took away from the over pace maybe switch in it around would keep the pace for example: trying to keep the fear from his voice, he yelled... You also have some missing words from your story such as here, "Her eyes briefly opened wide when saw Henry..." I think it should have been opened wide when she saw Henry. I liked how you took the alien theme and wrote in terms of racial differences between the two sets of characters and I liked the realization that Henry comes to at the end of your story. The tone and voices you use in your story are consistent through out with very little spag issues making for an enjoyable read.


*Don't pull when it says push (650w)*
*SPAG 3/5*
*T&V 3/5*
*Eval 3/5*
*Reac 3/5*
*Overall 12/20*
Review: There are a couple of spag issues that need addressing such as spelling mistakes like your craft missing the 'r' and the word were instead of we. I also think that some of your sentences could be tightened up a little to help with the overall pace for the reader such as, "So, when the dust that your craft had kicked up had settled..." This could have some things removed for example, So when the dust that your craft had kicked up settled... the comma is not needed or the extra had this makes the sentence smaller which makes the pace faster. I would also have a look at your sentence length as some of your sentences are very long, this makes it harder for the reader to read and detracts from the tone, voice and pace of your story, maybe try splitting some of them up a little. In the beginning you establish a voice but I think it gets lost through out the story as you read. Overall I liked your story but I found it hard to read and submerse myself into what was happening, however I think with a little more work and tightening of the prose it would be great.


*Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones trip to the Moon (650w)*
*SPAG 4/5*
*T&V 5/5*
*Eval 5/5*
*Reac 4/5*
*Overall 18/20*
Review: Your first paragraph is a little long maybe separate the dialogue from the narrative. I also found your use of names to be a little confusing one minute he is Jimmy the next he is jumping jack this had me having to reread to make sure I hadn't missed another character being introduced. You set up three distinct voices within your story Jumping Jack's voice, the alien's voice and the devil's voice, I also liked how you switched from Jumping jack's perspective to that of the devil's perspective. Overall a great story I would just look at some of your sayings like, "when out from the blue..." I thought this should have been when out of the blue... but I could be wrong. And also "...pissed him of to no end." I don't think you need the to in this sentence it just makes it a little bulky interrupting the pace you establish.


*Inevitable (648w)*
*SPAG 5/5*
*T&V 5/5*
*Eval 5/5*
*Reac 5/5*
*Overall 20/20*
Review: So I found no SPAG issues jumping out at me when I read this, I also loved the humorous tone that peaks through this in your dialogue it had me chuckling along. You establish and maintain two clear character voices in your dialogue the first seeming to be older than the second. I found your take on the them to be interesting as the two types of molecules discuss themselves and the process of evolution. You weave together different elements that can be seen as being alien to keep the theme running through your story. You also set the scene and keep a sense of movement going even thought the two characters are stationary themselves and I liked your last line "We've arrived." I felt like this sets the story up tocontinue on. A very enjoyable read.


*The painting (648w)*
*SPAG 5/5*
*T&V 5/5*
*Eval 5/5*
*Reac 4/5*
*Overall 19/20*
Review: I like how you set the scene and descriptive tone of your writing it clearly paints the pictures that you want us to see and adds to the overall tones that come through in the story. At the beginning it seems to be just about a girl coming home, then I thought it took a confusing twist as though you didn't want the reader to be able to fully believe the narrative voice. Then I felt that it takes a slightly horror tone with the descriptions of the painting melting and maggots etc, and then we have it turn to an alien. I do not know if all of these were intentional shifts in the narrative but I did like them, however I would have liked the alien theme to have been explored a little more either in Slyvie being alienated from her mother and childhood home or in the form of extraterrestrial life form you could have taken this story in either direction to make the LM theme clearer. However I found no Spag issues that tripped me up and I did like the story you have written.


*Here Be Monsters (559w)*
*SPAG 5/5*
*T&V 4/5*
*Eval 4/5*
*Reac 2/5*
*Overall 15/20*
Review: Can I first say that technically your writing is sound there are no spag issues that I found as I was reading and your use of description made the imagery very clear so that it felt as if I was there seeing what I was reading which is great. You have clear voices for your characters and you keep the sci-fi tone throughout the writing. However for me this was spoilt by the un-originality of the story, it read like an episode of star trek rather than your own piece of writing, even down to the character names; Ryder and 'number one' are exactly what Picard calls his lieutenant and captain Pickwick is really close to Picard.

[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="bdcharles"]
*"Tall Jonah"*
*Anon1*


*SPaG: 4.5/5*
*T&V: 2/5*
*Eval: 2/5*
*React: 2/5*
*Total: 10.5/20*




Review:
In general the execuion of this is reasonably sound. No SPaG issues etc. However, for me nothing is too challenging here, and I was not very engaged unfortunately. Ask yourself: what is the conflict? How does the story address it? As it is here, everything is fine throughout - absolutely fine, which tends to undermine readability in a story. In this moment in time there is more than enough inspiration knocking about. Think about what the worst that could happen is, and consider throwing that at the MC. And who is the MC? Their voice is adequate but see if you can give them some fizz, otherise they could be anyone. Sometimes even the leanest premise can be saved by a killer voice.




---




*"Every Word of This is True"*
*Anon2*


*SPaG: 4.5/5*
*T&V: 4.5/5*
*Eval: 3/5*
*React: 3/5*
*Total: 15/20*




Review:
Decent start. You do descend quickly into the pluperfect, when you could depict that stuff in the moment and keep us there, and these drops into the past can make a story drag. That said, I did like the imagery of the saw men and paint men, and the setting and style certainly kept me in and reading. Sets up the voice very well as a childlike one, though it wasn't as super-developed as I have seen elsewhere. Good evocation of the scenery (frankenstein sidewalk, ent-like elms, herringbone brick) - nice and poetic. Let's be honest - the prompt was completely shoehorned in, and nothing would have changed had it been left out. Still, I liked the read in spite of that. Not sure why seniors and senior community centre was in quotes. Kicked a .5 SPaG off for that because it didn't seem necessary. The only other issue was that not much happened by the end. What was resolved? There's scope for something very bittersweet here that I feel this fell a little shy of. All in all though, not bad at all.




---




*"Expedition to Earth"*
*Anon3*


*SPaG: 4.5/5*
*T&V: 3.5/5*
*Eval: 3/5*
*React: 2/5*
*Total: 13/20*




Review:
Interesting style, reasonably well executed, written as a report from some investigating alien species. Not the most original content though; with an alien called Dr. Queeg, if you're not riffing on Red Dwarf or the Caine Mutiny you're skirting derivative territory. The super-harmonous, uber-advanced alien race, and the idea of nuclear annihilation by a warlike species called, you guessed it, "humans" are ... kinda well-trodden paths. I did like the style, but contentwise, right up to the ending, was just a little too cliche-rich for me. There is always scope in these sort of stories. The aliens could be anything, so let your imagination really reach out and see what it grabs. See if you can experiment with furthet styles, as this was definitely a good call and clearly a strength.








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*"Close Encounters"*
*Anon4*


*SPaG: 3/5*
*T&V: 2.5/5*
*Eval: 2/5*
*React: 3/5*
*Total: 10.5/20*




Review:
Clever take on the prompt (illegal aliens). Writing isn't too bad. For me, there's a bit of a lack of voice though. It's ... just writing. What is the main takeaway here? From the readers' POV this is a fairly standard encounter on the border. Think about this environment. What could be different or new about it? There does't seem to be much suggestion of arc. Also, there were a few grammar wibbles. Your dialogue is pretty good though, punchy and immediate.








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*"Dont pull when it says push"*
*Anon5*
*SPaG: 4/5*
*T&V: 5/5*
*Eval: 3/5*
*React: 4/5*
*Total: 16/20*




Review:
Great voice. Great start. I am really pulled in. There are a few minor SPaG wobbles and a bit of overuse of filler text (so, some, etc) but there's a solid plot here already with the arrival of aliens. For me, the ending falls a little flat. I wanted there to be a deeper interpersonal element to the ending, like interspecies love (that sounded less weird in my head). Just some impactful ending. But I do like the voice. It really gives music to the piece.




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*"Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones trip to the Moon"*
*Anon6*


*SPaG: 3.5/5*
*T&V: 4.5/5*
*Eval: 3.5/5*
*React: 3.5/5*
*Total: 15/20*




Review:
Ah, it's been too long since I last read of Mr. Jimmy Jam, the Cajun space hobo's Cajun space hobo. I assumed he'd got stuck in hell. The voice, as always, is best imagined in a kind of comic-book style, like Les Claypool reading Tintin or something, and I love it. Storywise it did seem to lose direction though. I thought the little space guy was back on Titan with 5J though, but then he's back in the swamp, and the ending is wrapped up rather too neatly. But good stuff busting with personality, as always.












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*"Inevitable"*
*Anon7*


*SPaG: 4.5/5*
*T&V: 4.5/5*
*Eval: 3/5*
*React: 3/5*
*Total: 15/20*




Review:
A cute story with a clever take on the prompt. I thought the opening gambit about probability could have been built into the story a bit more, as the arc was a little underdeveloped. SPaG was fine if not the most challenging. Good voice though. I felt the two personalities of the microbes were very strong. I suppose, with the 650-word limit, there's not a huge amount you can do thematically but you give theme a good go nonetheness, so well done.












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*"The Painting"*
*Anon8*


*SPaG: 4/5*
*T&V: 4/5*
*Eval: 4/5*
*React: 4/5*
*Total: 16/20*




Review:
The writing is pretty high quality - couple of blips here and there but nothing major. The grammar really supports the voice. There were a couple of slightly cliched expressions but there were more that were uniquely thought out, so not a huge deal. There's definite creepy tension here. It's a pretty disturbing tale. I think I know what it's ~really~ about but I'm not sure, and that is not made clear, which I'm not fully sure why that was withheld. But it's a good piece - original - voicey. Well done.












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*"Here Be Monsters"*
*Anon9*


*SPaG: 2/5*
*T&V: 2.5/5*
*Eval: 3/5*
*React: 3/5*
*Total: 10.5/20*




Review:
A fairly smooth read. But there are grammar issues with dialogue-tags throughout, which cost this one a few points, and the writing quality does need a measure of work to give it some more voice and personality. It was not easy to engage with the characters as they were not very developed. But I loved that final line! Gave it a great twist.

[/spoiler2]

Thank you to everyone that participated.  Our 4 anonymous judges were BornForBurning, ArrowIntheBowOfTheLord, H. Brown, and bdcharles.  Thank you especially for giving your time and effort in evaluating our stories.  With no further delay, here are the scores-






MemberStoryBornForBurningArrowInTheBowOfTheLordH. BrownbdcharlestotalsSueCTall Jonah1113.51410.512.25TerryDEvery Word of this is True14.515.5131514.5*CyberWar**Expidition to Earth**17**16.5**19**13**16.375**velo**Close Encounters**14.5**16**18**10.5**14.75*epimetheusDon't Pull When it Says Push13.510121612.875rcallaciJumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones trip to the Moon137181513.25TimInevitable12.510201514.375*undead_av**The Painting**14**18**19**16**16.75*nedHere Be Monsters13.5121510.512.75


For the second month in a row (has that happened before?) taking the top spot on the podium is

*undead_av with The Painting*​
Followed closely by 
*CyberWar with Expedition to Earth*​
and coming in a distant third, yours truly, 
*velo with Close Encounters*​

Thanks to everyone that participated and congratulations to undead_av and cyberwar for continued excellence in the LM competition!  

...though if undead keeps this up me have to start applying handicaps to consistent winners...


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## BornForBurning (May 2, 2020)

Congrats to the winners, but especially CyberWar. You've grown a lot as a writer since I first read your stuff, you should be proud.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (May 2, 2020)

Congratulations av, CyberWar, & velo! And thank you velo for running the contest.


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## undead_av (May 2, 2020)

Wow, CyberWar and I were head to head! Congratulations to velo and CyberWar! Thanks to all the judges for your hard work!


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## epimetheus (May 2, 2020)

Well done everyone. Thanks to judges especially - and sorry for subjecting them to my experiments with longer sentences, more work needed.


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## H.Brown (May 2, 2020)

Well done to all who took part was great to read all of your entries even if I didn't know who had written each one. Congrats to the winners.


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## SueC (May 2, 2020)

Good job all - keep up the good work!


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## Tim (May 3, 2020)

Yep. Great job! I loved reading all the stories.

Congratulations Undead_av, CyberWar, and doubly to velo for being a great host as well.


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## ned (May 3, 2020)

congrats to Undead, Cyber and Velo - well done Velo for a brilliant challenge 

and thank you to the judges for your time and advice...

"I couldn't care if the planet got nuked!" - precious........:tennis:


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## rcallaci (May 3, 2020)

Arrow in the bow the world

I’m sorry that I’ve offended your christen sensibilities with my whimsical cartoonish piece as that was not my intention; although ten years back your reaction would have made me laugh in delight, not so today. I too use to have a negative visceral reaction to many of the bible passages as well. I’ve been a pagan apologist for most of my adult life and offer no apologies for my beliefs on the nature of humanity. I’m a Buddhist Taoist who adheres to the tenets of Gaia. 

I assure you I know the difference between good and evil; having studied the philosophical ramifications of them for well over forty years, with a advanced degree in comparative religions to back up those claims, I know the fine line that lies between them. The devil to me is not an evil being but more of a cosmic nature deity, a multi--verse Mother Nature. I have a series on these blogs called the totem series. The fiddler is one of the main characters in a series of poems and shorts. Check it out to see that I’m not a demon in human clothing.

I’ve been following you since you came here as a young teen. You’re an exceptional poet and promising writer and I appreciate your honest critique and reaction to my piece. I fully respect your views and do hope in time that you will respect mine. 

my warmest
bob


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## rcallaci (May 3, 2020)

I congratulate the winner and all who have entered. Excellent pieces all around. I thank the judges for there fine critiques  and to Velo for sponsoring the event.

Jumping jack is one of my favorites- I've written a few flash pieces on Wf as well as a few shorts not released here.  My SPAG issues are intentional.  I know the rules and like to break them. An enjoyable exercise.

warmest
bob


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## Terry D (May 3, 2020)

I'd like to add my thanks to all involved this month, and congratulations to the winners. Evert Word of this is True was written as an exercise in preparation for a much longer work and, as such, it has many holes, which, like caves, beg exploring.


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## BornForBurning (May 4, 2020)

> The devil to me is not an evil being but more of a cosmic nature deity, a multi--verse Mother Nature


I have to wonder (and this is me speaking from a purely philosophical perspective, not a literary one), if that's true, why use the word 'devil' at all?


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## rcallaci (May 4, 2020)

---_I have to wonder (and this is me speaking from a purely philosophical perspective, not a literary one), if that's true, why use the word 'devil' at al_l?----

In a quick nutshell...

The christian paradigm equates the d(evil)  with sin, lust, carnal desires, dark passions, etc, etc, which equates to evil. The earth religions embraces many of these attributes as natural desires. What's mostly called evil in christian society, which urges that many desires and thoughts should be repressed, is  considered to be natural desires and actions in many pagan community s.  The devil is a christian bogyman while the devil - pan- the green man, Gaia, is a nature god or goddess. Evil, good, are mirrors of each other and whats good to some is evil to others. 

I use the term (devil) to address these philosophical differences


ps. of course there is pure evil but that is  man-made- -nature is not evil-the devil in pagan mythology does not address that type of evil.

btw loved your review of my piece- spot on. it made me smile


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