# Road Novel Opening (721 words and STRONG LANGUAGE)



## OurJud (Aug 26, 2013)

As mentioned elsewhere I've been struggling for a reason behind my protagonists' road trip. I started writing the story without mentioning the reason, but felt it had to be explained sooner or later.

I'm not sure where I'll slot this in, but I'm just looking for general critique. I need to know if it's intriguing enough to put right at the start, or whether it would be better placed a chapter or two into the novel. Would also like to know if the tone of the telephone conversation comes across as intended; the sarcasm and familiarity that only comes with long-term friendship, etc.

Thanks in advance. 

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Funny how a break up and forced redundancy can change a man’s life so quickly. Eight months ago I was living in a nice modern apartment overlooking a canal in the North West of England. The place was owned by my then girlfriend whom I’d met when installing some flooring at the offices where she worked, and I’d moved in less than eight weeks later. Soon after that my firm went bust and I was out of a job. She accepted the situation initially, was almost sympathetic to my plight, but then very quickly grew bored of keeping me and officially threw me out some four months later.

    It came as no surprise if I’m honest. I wasn’t exactly desperate to find work again. For as long as I can remember the idea of working a nine to five had filled me with dread. The hopelessness of it, the routine and boredom... they were all things that scared the hell out of me. And then all of a sudden I found myself in a position to enjoy the freedom I’d always craved. It was difficult to resist.

    But Yvonne didn’t see it that way. She wanted me out.

    She gave me time to find a bedsit, God bless her – a grotty little place above a hairdressers in the centre of town – and it was there, one Saturday night while I lay on the couch listening to the drunks outside and the mice scuttling about in the attic, that I hit upon the idea of exploring my freedom on a far bigger scope than I could ever have imagined.

    It was a scary thought, my plan, but the instant excitement and butterflies it gave me far outweighed any fear that might prevent me taking the plunge. I’d had almost six months of living in squalor and my soul couldn’t take any more. It was crying out for some kind of release and I had to do something before it died completely.

    I was up with the sparrows the next morning. I dressed and set off down the road to the payphone opposite the newsagents. I picked up the receiver and dialled Leo’s number.

    “Leooo!” I said brightly, after listening to the ring tone for almost a full minute. “You still on the dole?”

    “What? Who the fuck’s this?” He was clearly half asleep.

    “It’s Mark, your advisor at the jobcentre. Listen, we’ve found you a job. You’ll be working at the old folk’s home, wiping arses for ten hours a day. Interested?”

    Silence.

    “Leo it’s me, you cock.”

    “What? Who?”

    “Neil. Your best mate? Your _only_ mate. The guy you’ve known since you were nine?”

    I listened to him groan and cough for a few seconds, then, “Oh, Neil. Yeah, hang on.” I could hear more shuffling, something rustling. Then the unmistakeable sound of a clipper lighter being struck. “It’s been a long time,“ he said after a long exhale and another bout of coughing.

    “What? You were round at my flat getting pissed only five days ago.”

    “Was I? Yeah, well, that’s what I mean, it’s been a long time.”

    “Never mind that. You need—“

    “Why are you calling me at twenty to bastard eight in the morning? Can you answer me that? This is an obscene time to be calling anyone!”

    “Because I have a proposition for you.”

    “I don’t like propositions.”

    “Well you’re gonna like this one. You see everything you own? All your possessions, such as they are? That TV, the laptop... the Saxo that’s been sat at the side of your flat for months because you can’t afford to run it?”

    “What about them?”

    “You’re selling them all.”

    “_Am I?_ Oh, well just give me a minute to get my shit together and I’ll make a start.”

    “Come on, Leo, be fair. I’m doing the same... except I’m not selling my car, we’re gonna need that, see. But apart from the car, I’m putting every penny I have into this.”

    “Neil, I’m tired, I want to go back to sleep, and I don’t have the foggiest idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”

    “Leo, We’re going to see the world!” I shouted excitedly.

    “The _world?_”

    “Well, we’ll start with England and see how things go. Listen, get yourself over here and I’ll tell you all about it.”


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## Sintalion (Aug 26, 2013)

"Funny how a break up and forced redundancy can change a man’s life so  quickly. Eight months ago I was living in a nice modern apartment  overlooking a canal in the North West of England. The place was owned by  my then girlfriend whom I’d met when installing some flooring at the  offices where she worked, and I’d moved in less than eight weeks later.  Soon after that my firm went bust and I was out of a job. She accepted  the situation initially, was almost sympathetic to my plight, but then  very quickly grew bored of keeping me and officially threw me out some  four months later."

I am having trouble understanding this timeline. For me the sense that I got wasn't that a breakup changed his life- it was already going quickly! The relationship was fast! 
Meets girl -- Day 1
Moves in: 8 weeks later/Two months (if four weeks per month)
Thrown out: 4 months later (does the 4 months start ticking the day he moves in, or after X time, when he loses his job?)
So if I had to guess, he's dated her for 6-8 months. It's fast, and that's the reason why I don't believe that the breakup made his life change so quickly. The relationship changed his life fast. 

Forced redundancy is also an interesting term. I'm not sure that this first paragraph proved that point (you mostly just said she got bored). 

"But Yvonne didn’t see it that way. She wanted me out."
This and the previous paragraph makes it sound like the reason she was kicked out was because he wasn't job-hunting, when you stated in the first paragraph she grew bored of keeping him. Those are two very different ideas. 

"She gave me time to find a bedsit, God bless her – a grotty little place  above a hairdressers in the centre of town – and it was there, one  Saturday night while I lay on the couch listening to the drunks outside  and the mice scuttling about in the attic, that I hit upon the idea of  exploring my freedom on a far bigger scope than I could ever have  imagined."

I have to say, that  for second or third chapter placement this would not sound right. It's so explanatory that I'd worry it would pull the reader out of the story's action. Part of my reasoning for this is because it's not actually a scene. He's just narrating about the past. The first scene comes at the phone call. At that point I feel like we've switched narrators. We lost that jaded guy with a story, and got someone excited to see the world. I can't find the transition point, nor can I relate the top section from the bottom one. I'd consider cutting everything in front of sleeping/waking up, and spreading it evenly throughout. I don't think the straight up narration on it's own is enough of a beginning. Putting it into context would be nicer, for me anyway. 

As for the conversation, I thought it was alright. It seemed friendly. I wouldn't go so far as to say it only comes with long term friendship, but you inserted pieces of knowledge that address the long-term for you. 

The piece as a whole is very top heavy. I'd expect it to be more even (between dialogue/description) in a more polished piece. I didn't get much sense of scene. 

Good luck though!


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## BobtailCon (Aug 26, 2013)

I like it, I don't see any problems with the relationship. You spelled dialed wrong, but that is the only word I noticed. 

As for the telephone conversation, I'd do something more like this:

"It’s Mark, your advisor at the jobcentre. Listen, we’ve found you a job.  You’ll be working at the old folk’s home, wiping arses for ten hours a  day. Interested?" I joke.

Only because I at first thought that he was trying to trick his friend, this makes a foundation of their friendship and shows how they talk to eachother.

I enjoyed the piece, love to see more.


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## OurJud (Aug 26, 2013)

Sintalion, you've given me a lot to mull over there. It's so easy when you're on the inside of a story, to forget that you might not be being as clear as you need to be. I need to see if I can simplify that timline (especially if others stress the same view) and look at making the transition between background and scene a bit smoother.



BobtailCon said:


> As for the telephone conversation, I'd do something more like this:
> 
> "It’s Mark, your advisor at the jobcentre. Listen, we’ve found you a job.  You’ll be working at the old folk’s home, wiping arses for ten hours a  day. Interested?" I joke.
> 
> Only because I at first thought that he was trying to trick his friend, this makes a foundation of their friendship and shows how they talk to eachother.



You thought right, Bob. He _was_ tricking his friend. The fact that you got this without the dialogue tag you added to the line in your edit, proves that it doesn't need the tag, doesn't it? Unless I'm not understanding you correctly.

Thanks for the feedback, both


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## kc1082 (Aug 26, 2013)

I like this story so far,there's a lot of potential. I agree with most of what was said in the other comments.This wouldn't sound right if it were placed anywhere else.It would cause too much confusion.The dialogue was good, i could see where you were going without the explanation of it.He seems a bit impulsive (i.e. moving in with a girl he barely knew) so the road trip idea goes well with his personality . I think road tripping across England is a bit of a stretch (compared to doing it in America) even if they haven't really seen much of the country.Your character doesn't seem to have found himself from his description of his life.I think for this story to work this trip has to help him figure that out.



> Forced redundancy is also an interesting term. I'm not sure that this   first paragraph proved that point (you mostly just said she got bored).



Redundancy is a British term for being laid  off or losing your job.


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## OurJud (Aug 26, 2013)

Thanks, kc. I did consider setting this in America, but as a Brit there were just too many hurdles for me to navigate. I think if this was a simple A to B story, then I'd agree. As someone has already said, Lands End to John O'Groats can be done in a couple of days, but if you were to spend that time leisurely moving from place to place, it could take months to see the whole of the UK.

Maybe I need a better reason for the trip. Maybe my characters are forced into it and have no choice but to keep moving.

God above, why am I discouraged so easily??


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## BobtailCon (Aug 26, 2013)

OurJud said:


> You thought right, Bob. He _was_ tricking his friend. The fact that you got this without the dialogue tag you added to the line in your edit, proves that it doesn't need the tag, doesn't it? Unless I'm not understanding you correctly.
> 
> Thanks for the feedback, both



Apologies, I meant that I thought he was tricking Leo into doing something for him, not like a friendly teasing kind of joke, but more like he was tricking Leo into getting this job.


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## OurJud (Aug 26, 2013)

BobtailCon said:


> Apologies, I meant that I thought he was tricking Leo into doing something for him, not like a friendly teasing kind of joke, but more like he was tricking Leo into getting this job.



Ooh, I see. No, this was just what we in England call a 'wind-up'. He was scaring his work-shy friend by making him think the jobcentre had found him a job. Choosing not to work is far more of an option in this country than it is in America.

Maybe you're right, though. It probably doesn't work too well.


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## kc1082 (Aug 27, 2013)

> Thanks, kc. I did consider setting this in America, but as a Brit there  were just too many hurdles for me to navigate. I think if this was a  simple A to B story, then I'd agree. As someone has already said, Lands  End to John O'Groats can be done in a couple of days, but if you were to  spend that time leisurely moving from place to place, it could take  months to see the whole of the UK.
> 
> Maybe I need a better reason for the trip. Maybe my characters are forced into it and have no choice but to keep moving.
> 
> God above, why am I discouraged so easily??




I wasn't suggesting America as setting,it obviously wouldn't be easy to use if you haven't traveled around it.I don't think your characters have to be necessarily forced into for the story to work.The thing about road trips is there's always the chance of something unexpected happening.Your characters could come across circumstances that challenge them.Also they will be meeting other people which could help as far as them going to different places.If you or anyone you know has interesting travel stories that could help.I don't think you should feel discouraged,the littlest things can bring about an idea.


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## Lewdog (Aug 27, 2013)

Break ups can lead to all kinds of things.  So often it forces people to make severe moments of introspection that can lead to major life changes.  So the reason behind the trip isn't absurd.  So far some of the problems I've found are run on sentences.  I have this same problem myself.  Often times when I have a thought that I think my character wants to explore, I feel as if the whole thing needs to fit into one consistent sentence.  The only time I've recently found for a good run-on sentence is when a character is having problems with their own thought process and are extremely indecisive.


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## OurJud (Aug 27, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> So far some of the problems I've found are run on sentences.  I have this same problem myself.  Often times when I have a thought that I think my character wants to explore, I feel as if the whole thing needs to fit into one consistent sentence.  The only time I've recently found for a good run-on sentence is when a character is having problems with their own thought process and are extremely indecisive.



I don't really know what you mean by 'run on sentences'. Can you give an example, please.


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## Lewdog (Aug 27, 2013)

OurJud said:


> I don't really know what you mean by 'run on sentences'. Can you give an example, please.





> She gave me time to find a bedsit, God bless her – a grotty little place above a hairdressers in the centre of town – and it was there, one Saturday night while I lay on the couch listening to the drunks outside and the mice scuttling about in the attic, that I hit upon the idea of exploring my freedom on a far bigger scope than I could ever have imagined.



There are a few instances of these types of sentences where even though I am reading it, I feel as if I can't stop to catch my breath.


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## Jon M (Aug 27, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> There are a few instances of these types of sentences where even though I am reading it, I feel as if I can't stop to catch my breath.


The sentence you quoted isn't a run on. It's actually a beautiful, well-crafted sentence with great rhythm.


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## Lewdog (Aug 27, 2013)

Jon M said:


> The sentence you quoted isn't a run on. It's actually a beautiful, well-crafted sentence with great rhythm.



To each their own, but in my opinion it is a mouthful that has points lost in translation.  There is no reason for the thought to ramble on so long, as the MC is not in a situation to try to pile a bunch of info into a quick thought.  Instead there should be hard stops, as it is a point of reflection.


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## OurJud (Aug 27, 2013)

Well, thank you for those kind words, Jon 

Lewdog, I kind of know what you mean about it being a mouthful, but when a sentence like that wants to flow I just let it. I didn't write it like that, it wrote itself... if that makes any sense at all.


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## Lewdog (Aug 27, 2013)

OurJud said:


> Well, thank you for those kind words, Jon
> 
> Lewdog, I kind of know what you mean about it being a mouthful, but when a sentence like that wants to flow I just let it. I didn't write it like that, it wrote itself... if that makes any sense at all.



No I totally understand, as I said earlier, I have the same problem.  When I get a thought of something to put in a story, I often get lost in it and continue to write it.  I have run-ons all the time, and I LOVE to use ellipsis...but I've been told by many people it only works in certain contexts and isn't a tool to be used all the time, or over used.  

I'm not trying to know what you've done, but like I said in response to JonM, your sentence is meant to be a moment of reflection.  Your main character isn't in a state of anxiety, or confused, so the way the sentence just doesn't work for me.  That's one man's opinion.


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## OurJud (Aug 28, 2013)

Of course, and I'm grateful for it, as I am any I receive.


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## J Anfinson (Aug 28, 2013)

I think you're good at writing dialogue, and the story is believable. As mentioned in another thread, your character's inner thoughts and feelings is probably what you're missing. Another thing that wouldn't hurt is to expand on a few details.



OurJud said:


> She gave me time to find a bedsit, God bless her – a grotty little place above a hairdressers in the centre of town – and it was there, one Saturday night while I lay on the couch listening to the drunks outside and the mice scuttling about in the attic, that I hit upon the idea of exploring my freedom on a far bigger scope than I could ever have imagined.



This is one of the few paragraphs that you did really well balancing detail in the narrative. I think if you took the time to show his world a little more instead of telling it, along with inner monologue, you'd be a darn good writer. This is all stuff I struggle with as well, so I know the feeling.

Good luck with this.

J.


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## OurJud (Aug 28, 2013)

Thank you, J. You made me smile 

I'm currently doing exactly as you suggest with the story. I've rewritten the whole 'how did they get to this point in time' thing again, as my main character looking back while he sits in the diner waiting for his friend who's nipped out for a quick smoke. And I have to say it sounds much better, far more natural and in keeping with the tone. I'm also going to elaborate and give finer details of the diner they're in.

Including this whole 'internal world' is coming to me easier than I thought it would, and is _exactly_ what my story-telling technique was missing.


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## BryanJ62 (Aug 28, 2013)

I want to know more about the breakup and how it affected him. Is he miserable, is he glad it's over? Just a paragraph or two could cover this. Give the reader a tease on how he feels. Is he running away from his emotions? Of course, I might be over reacting. You may have plans of clearing this up later in the story. I thought the writing was solid.


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## ejrosetta (Aug 28, 2013)

I think readers always relate more to characters who are journeying towards something, rather than running away. It makes them feel like they're on the journey with them. I love how this extract starts, it's very easily relate-able... I mean hell, I've been there before! Lost your job and girlfriend all at once... what a perfect reason to embark upon an adventure! I loved this to read and your use of strong language (something i'm not a massive fan of) is well timed and not crude. Thank you for postnig! I'll make sure I follow your work.


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## BryanJ62 (Aug 28, 2013)

Strong language does not bother me as long as it's true. If it's forced the reader will see it.


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## OurJud (Aug 28, 2013)

Positive feedback like this is invaluable. Thank you so much.

Bryan, duly noted about showing more regards how he feels about the break up. I think he's probably relieved deep down... always wanted the chance to see more of his country, if not the world. But I agree, I need to hint at this in the narrative.

ejrosetta, I _hope_ my two characters are journeying towards something, if only the cliched 'finding themselves', but the initial motivation is running away to a large extent... escaping the squalor of unemployment. I'm glad the strong language comes across as natural too. I do have to watch myself in that area. I don't insert it where it isn't needed, but I do tend to look for sentences where its use would be appropriate.


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## Lewdog (Aug 28, 2013)

...and this is why I don't open my big trap on things like this, unless it is a friend in a private setting.    Good luck with your story!


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## OurJud (Aug 28, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> ...and this is why I don't open my big trap on things like this [...]



_What_ is why you don't open your big trap?


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## Lewdog (Aug 28, 2013)

OurJud said:


> _What_ is why you don't open your big trap?



I won't elaborate any farther because there is no benefit in doing so, to either you or I.


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## J Anfinson (Aug 28, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> ...my big trap



To answer OurJud's question a bit more technically, I'll bet this is one of our slang expressions that hasn't crossed the big pond. My best explanation is that _trap_ refers to the jaw/teeth/mouth, which snap shut like a bear trap. He feels as if he shouldn't have said anything. I say Lewdog's initial point was valid, since all writing does come down to taste.


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## OurJud (Aug 29, 2013)

J Anfinson said:


> To answer OurJud's question a bit more technically, I'll bet this is one of our slang expressions that hasn't crossed the big pond. My best explanation is that _trap_ refers to the jaw/teeth/mouth, which snap shut like a bear trap. He feels as if he shouldn't have said anything. I say Lewdog's initial point was valid, since all writing does come down to taste.



 No, J, I know what 'trap' is. I'm from the UK remember? What I was asking with that question wasn't what 'trap' meant, but what Lewdog meant when he said he was reluctant to open it.



Lewdog said:


> I won't elaborate any farther because there is no benefit in doing so, to either you or I.


Hey, I'm a big boy now. I can take criticism if this is what you're worried about. I was just saying that positive feedback is very nice, not that it's all I want or expect.

You've already given some constructive criticism, but if you have more then it would be just as valuable as positive feedback.

Unless I've totally misread the situation.


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## Lewdog (Aug 29, 2013)

OurJud said:


> No, J, I know what 'trap' is. I'm from the UK remember? What I was asking with that question wasn't what 'trap' meant, but what Lewdog meant when he said he was reluctant to open it.
> 
> 
> Hey, I'm a big boy now. I can take criticism if this is what you're worried about. I was just saying that positive feedback is very nice, not that it's all I want or expect.
> ...



It's not that, as much as it is some people take such a totally opposite approach to my opinion.  There is a far cry from a run-on sentence and beautiful constructed statement.  I think I broke down pretty well why I felt the way I did.  Long sentences, especially in the context you are using it, set a tone, and help give insight to the mood of the character.  If the sentence is long and rambles with a lot of information, it tells me a lot more than just what the sentence says.  The problem is, your sentence contradicts the mood of the character.  The sentence is in a sense is an introspection.  It's not something that is hurried or confusing.  If you want to use the sentence better and leave it as a long drawn out thought, I think you would be best served using ellipses.  They give pause, more than a dash.  I still feel you would be better off breaking it down into separate sentences with hard stops.  They help to push the information into the mind of the reader instead of the reader being forced to quickly absorb everything that is quickly being thrown at them.


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## OurJud (Aug 29, 2013)

Well, even if no one else did, Lewdog, I knew exactly what you meant the very first time you explained yourself. I'm not going to change anything in the extract I posted, but that doesn't mean I'm ignoring any advice and tips offered. It simply means that what I've posted here, is what it is. It's a tiny section from a very rough first draft and will go through many changes.

As it happens, I've already scrapped the entire telephone conversation and rewritten the whole 'How did we arrive here' section, so the sentence in question has changed drastically. That sentence now reads: _And then, one Saturday night as I lay listening to the drunks making their way home, it happened_.

But even that probably won't stay as it is.


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## escorial (Aug 29, 2013)

Got a feel for the story but I kept thinking about my experience of living rough and how that might effect your MC...as soon as the money runs it stops becoming a journey of self discovery and one of finding things to survive that stop you enjoying anything..rural Britian is baron for drifters and the cities your left with, Birmingham, London offer nothing but danger and violence..if they head further up north I don't know much but for me the story is heading towards survival as opposed to self discovery.I'll be interested to see where your heading but two without any money is going to be a hard story to convey as theres a good chance they may burn out so quickly..good start though.


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## OurJud (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks, escorial.

I don't really have much of an idea where they're heading, where they'll end up or what will happen to them on the way, but I have no (conscious) plans to turn this into a tale of living rough. They have a fair amount of cash to get them going, as they've both sold their every possession, but my main character has worked hard most of his adult life and has a fairly healthy bank balance he can always fall back on should the need arise. They've certainly got enough money at their disposal to keep them going till I've finished with them, put it that way.


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## Mr mitchell (Aug 30, 2013)

A road trip novel does seem interesting and I want to know where you are going with this story. I love the opening here; starting with the break-up, as you bring the reader into the story. Let me say that you just set the scene really well. I am hooked because of it and you make me want to know what is going to happen to the characters. I love the used of the first person, makes it more personally to the writer and sometimes to the reader, in my view. 

There are a few long sentences in this piece and it fits well with the story. 

Thank you for sharing.


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## OurJud (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks, Mr M. This start has gone through some major rewrites since I posted this, and is much better for it, even if I do say so myself.

Thanks very much for reading


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