# Kiss Of A Queen **Mature Content**



## Gold Bearer (Apr 23, 2017)

New version with eleven verses instead of five (more than twice the trite) and the verse I didn't write isn't in it.


Walk with me in the darkness
The sun was always too bright
Walk with me in the shadows
Never again feel a cold winter's night

Let the cold night warm your body
Feel eternity's beautiful embrace
Let it still your beating heart
Everybody wears a mask for a face

Taste the blood of the ages
Don't let time take its toll
Feel the beauty of the lifeless
The key for unlocking your soul

Come a little closer towards me
So we can hold each other tight
Don't be afraid that I'll hurt you
I'll take your senses to a whole new height

We are not what you believe us to be
Forget everything you've heard being said
We are the children of eternity
The true origin of everything you've ever read

Let me drink from you in the moon glow
See how it strengthens your might
You'll learn to embrace the darkness
There's more than one kind of light

Forget what your god has promised you
By the touch of my voice you shall be lead
This is what it means to be chosen
Come with me and walk with the dead

Let go of your misguided morals
A naive view of what's wrong and what's right
Play by a new set of rules
Rules that will allow your spirit to take flight

Enjoy a kiss from the queen of forever
Be the cause not the victim of strife
You'll come to love my soft embrace
And the pure sweet caress of unlife

Take my hand for all time
Take your last deep breath
Kiss good bye to your old life
Let me show you the power of death

I'll be with you in the darkness
But always be ready to fight
And when the mortals attack us
Kill everything in sight


Joke verse with adult content below, highlight to read.

Come with me in the darkness
I'll show you how to do this right
Not to rough to start with though
My pussy is still rather tight


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## Darkkin (Apr 23, 2017)

This is not a limerick, not even close. A limerick is a totally different format.  A proper definition can be found here.  And as to not writing the middle verse.  Either cite your source or remove it as that is plagarism, plain and simple. 

 What you have is a single rhyme quatrain.  Limericks are imbued with humour, often bawdy humour, this is trite at best, no humour to speak of.  Do a little more reseach about the medium before labelling a poem something that it is not.  And also consider that a limerick is a known and very popular form of poetry, so your thread title also renders itself inert.  It is either poetry or it is not.

If you want the forum to take your work seriously, you need to put in a little effort into the basics.  The this is a limerick because I say it is, is not logic or reasoning that will fly on the boards.  Decide what your purpose for the piece is and let it stand simply as a poem.  And if you are working the piece as a piece of found poetry.  Cite your source.  Google is useful in determining the original source of a piece.  Don't pigeon hole a piece into a category it has no resemblence to.  This not only does a disservice to the piece, but the reader's perception as well.

Also, if there is adult content.  A warning needs to be included in the thread title.  Basic information, and it saves readers the trouble of having to highlight text...


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## Nellie (Apr 23, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:
			
		

> I didn't write the middle verse, I stumbled across it in a picture and wrote around it. I wasn't going to post this because it's so basic but for people who aren't really into poetry (like me) I think quite a nice limerick.



Perhaps you should have listened to your inner voice, because this ISN'T a Limerick. Like Darkkin said, not even close!


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 23, 2017)

I said the middle verse is from a picture, if they were bothered about credit they wouldn't have included it with the picture.

I didn't mean to offend you with my "trite", Jesus!

Edit:
I think I've just stumbled into the overly pretentious area of the forum, my mistake. I'll know better next time.


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## Ptolemy (Apr 23, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> I said the middle verse is from a picture, if they were bothered about credit they wouldn't have included it with the picture.
> 
> I didn't mean to offend you with my "trite", Jesus!



It's just a simple mislabel, nothing wrong with that. But Darkkin is right, it is technically a quatrain, not a limerick since limericks have five lines with the third and fourth lines being shorter than the other three along with their sole focus is being humorous. Still seems more of a dark visual tone than humor. I still thought it was pretty intuitive.


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## Darkkin (Apr 23, 2017)

Double post.  Ignore.


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## Darkkin (Apr 23, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> I said the middle verse is from a picture, if they were bothered about credit they wouldn't have included it with the picture.
> 
> I didn't mean to offend you with my "trite", Jesus!
> 
> ...




Found in a picture or not, it is not your work...Google the verse. It comes back author unknown.  All that needs to be said is author unknown. But it needs to be properly cited as such. And it also needs to be italicised as an actual quote...Either that or go out on a limb and write your own version of the idea.

Also, trite is an adjective not a noun, the definition meaning lacking in freshness per _dictionary.com.  _The piece works as a quatrain poem, but there really isn't anything that makes it stand out from the crowd of countless other poems about love and brooding...As per content, you can post what you please, but forum rules still apply for adult content labelling and source citing.  It is a writing forum, so these things do matter.

And if pointing out the obvious makes one pretentious, then I am guilty as charged, but it doesn't make the observation any less accurate.

Double post...Sorry.


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## Firemajic (Apr 23, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> Walk with me in the darkness
> The sun was always too bright
> Walk with me in the shadows
> See how it strengthens your might
> ...




Hello, Gold Bearer.... I think you could remove the middle stanza, the one you said that you did not write, JMO, but it does not really add anything to your poem... that would solve the issue of using someone's original work...
I also like that you noted that this is a very" basic poem", and this is a fabulous example of a basic rhyme, one that I first learned to use, it is a lot of fun to play with and expand on. 

You nailed the mood, but I encourage you to strengthen your imagery... your poem is perfect for some dark, dramatic imagery. This poem has the basic bones, now show me your creativity and take this to the sublime.


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## Firemajic (Apr 23, 2017)

I also understand that you said this was "more of a Limerick" ... I did not think that you were calling it a legit limerick... I enjoyed reading your work...


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 23, 2017)

Darkkin said:


> Found in a picture or not, it is not your work...Google the verse. It comes back author unknown.


I did that. Why do you assume I didn't?



Darkkin said:


> All that needs to be said is author unknown. But it needs to be properly cited as such. And it also needs to be italicised as an actual quote...Either that or go out on a limb and write your own version of the idea.


It is properly cited as such, I clearly said that I didn't write the middle verse. How do you believe that you know that I didn't write it if it wasn't made clear?



Darkkin said:


> Also, trite is an adjective not a noun, the definition meaning lacking in freshness per dictionary.com. The piece works as a quatrain poem, but there really isn't anything that makes it stand out from the crowd of countless other poems about love and brooding...As per content, you can post what you please, but forum rules still apply for adult content labelling and source citing. It is a writing forum, so these things do matter.


You have to drag your mouse over the adult content jokey verse to highlight it if you want to read it, and I clearly gave a warning.



Darkkin said:


> And if pointing out the obvious makes one pretentious, then I am guilty as charged, but it doesn't make the observation any less accurate.


 No, saying one instead of me and calling a poem trite because the author has the absolute nerve to make it consistently rhyme rather than going for the modern art 'look at at me, I made something deliberately bad so that I would appear deep, play along if you want to appear deep too' approach is what makes you pretentious. Criticising somebody for not doing things that they clearly have done and them claiming that it's obvious just makes you a giant douche.


Thank you Firemajic for showing me that this sub-forum isn't only comprised of nasty people.


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## Darkkin (Apr 23, 2017)

Calling names on the forum is a no go.   If you have an issue with a post report it to a mod, as I have done with yours.  You don't like a critique ignore it or report it, don't attack members in open threads.  Keep it civil.  The poem was trite.  It had nothing to do with you personally.  Fourth wall.  Observation are about the piece not the writer.  You are the one who is making personal attacks on forum members.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 23, 2017)

No I certainly won't be crying to moderator if if have a problem with someone, definitely not my style. I'll deal with it myself. Don't take that tone with me and then turn round and complain when you get it back. Don't dish it out if you can't take it yourself. It's very simple.


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## Thaumiel (Apr 23, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> It is properly cited as such, I clearly said that I didn't write the middle verse. How do you believe that you know that I didn't write it if it wasn't made clear?




Dude, a citation is akin to a reference on a scientific paper: name of author, title of piece, etc. 

Saying you didn't write it isn't a citation. 

Also, Darkkin may have been blunt in her assessment of your piece, but chill. There's no reason to start slinging names and slagging off the entire poetry sub-forum because of one crit you didn't like.


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## Ariel (Apr 23, 2017)

*This will return to topic and all name-calling and finger-pointing will stop or this thread will be closed. *


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 23, 2017)

There, I replaced the original version with the newer one that doesn't include the verse I didn't write.


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## sas (Apr 24, 2017)

I did not see original post. Ordinarily, I don't workshop poems that rhyme, as I no longer write that form. But, I've a couple of suggestions:

"no life" seems stilted and wrong. Why not "lifeless"? 
"Feel the beauty of the lifeless" (it would match structure of "Taste the blood of the ages")

Now you force me to confess that I love to drink a good moonshine. I've been treated to the best. So your use of "moonshine" took me off track. Maybe it's just a term here in The States. Would moonglow work? Smiles.

Look to "of" phrases being overused. I counted 12. It is common to novice poetry writers who think there is poetry in its use.

I was pleased to see you did not load it with gerunds, those "ing" ending words, that make many erroneously believe they've written poetry by their repetition. A big thumbs up from me! 

Keep writing, I thought this a good effort. Sas


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

Thank you, I'll definitely alter it later with those suggestions. I didn't keep using 'of' because I think it sounds poetic, I did it to try to keep the lines short and the structure consistent, and it just seemed to fit better.

I just wrote this for a bit of fun. It's the first poem I've ever written and I'd very surprised if it's not the last. I know this isn't in any way a 'classy' poem, it's just the most basic form of poetry using verses that I think sound kind of cool.


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## Firemajic (Apr 24, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> Thank you, I'll definitely alter it later with those suggestions. I didn't keep using 'of' because I think it sounds poetic, I did it to try to keep the lines short and the structure consistent, and it just seemed to fit better.
> 
> I just wrote this for a bit of fun. It's the first poem I've ever written and I'd very surprised if it's not the last. I know this isn't in any way a 'classy' poem, it's just the most basic form of poetry using verses that I think sound kind of cool.





For a first poem, it was quite good... I think maybe you have some preconceived idea of what a poem should be... check out the poetry discussion thread, it covers all styles/forms of poetry... I love non rhyming poetry.. and I like creating my own rhythm and rhymes ... poetry is about creativity, being unique, poetry is mood, emotion and imagery, it challenges you to search for the perfect word to describe something.. a poet paints with words... creates music with rhythm and rhyme... hahaa, as you can tell, poetry is my passion...

Here in the fabulous poetry thread, we take our work seriously and we take your work seriously... Critiques are our poetic life's blood, and anyone who truly loves poetry is going to critique your work as honestly as they can, sometimes it feels brutal, while a pat on the back may feel good,  if not earned... will only damage and stunt your growth as a writer... 
 I have had some wonderful mentors who kicked my ass, hurt my feeling and made me cry... and I am soooo F%$#^$$ glad they did.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

Thanks. To me (someone who never reads any poetry) a poem should rhyme or it's just a bunch of words. Sorry I'm being a bit of a dick about it though, it's because by back's up from earlier posts.

Like I said, I'd be surprised if I ever write another poem, unless it's to incorporate it into a story. I might actually put this poem into The Circle story I'm writing and all the characters will love it and think it's the best poem ever. So there! :tongue:


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## Firemajic (Apr 24, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> Thanks. To me (someone who never reads any poetry) a poem should rhyme or it's just a bunch of words. Sorry I'm being a bit of a dick about it though, it's because by back's up from earlier posts.
> 
> Like I said, I'd be surprised if I ever write another poem, unless it's to incorporate it into a story. I might actually put this poem into The Circle story I'm writing and all the characters will love it and think it's the best poem ever. So there! :tongue:





One of my best mentors said Poets need to grow thick skin... and I think writers in general need to grow thick skin and stop taking critiques as a personal attack... and believe me, the critiques you received were NOT personal attacks... mooooove on, and get over it... if you want a feel good moment, read some critiques I have received, they were brutal, but I knew they were honest and fair.


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## Nellie (Apr 24, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> One of my best mentors said Poets need to grow thick skin... and I think writers in general need to grow thick skin and stop taking critiques as a personal attack... and believe me, the critiques you received were NOT personal attacks... mooooove on, and get over it... if you want a feel good moment, read some critiques I have received, they were brutal, but I knew they were honest and fair.



:thumbr: Gotta have *THICK* skin here!!



			
				Gold Bearer said:
			
		

> To me (someone who never reads any poetry) a poem should rhyme or it's just a bunch of words.




There are many types of poems nowadays, those that rhyme and those that do NOT rhyme and some nonsensical poems, or just a _bunch of words_. Some very famous writers who wrote Nonsense verse were Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear.


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

I have no problem with criticism as long as it's done respectfully. It  wasn't. Maybe you're all so used to it that it you that you don't even  notice but it doesn't make it okay. This is just plain rude for no good reason:





Darkkin said:


> This is not a limerick, not even close. A limerick is a totally different format.  A proper definition can be found here.  And as to not writing the middle verse.  Either cite your source or remove it as that is plagarism, plain and simple.
> 
> What you have is a single rhyme quatrain.  Limericks are imbued with humour, often bawdy humour, this is trite at best, no humour to speak of.  Do a little more reseach about the medium before labelling a poem something that it is not.  And also consider that a limerick is a known and very popular form of poetry, so your thread title also renders itself inert.  It is either poetry or it is not.
> 
> If you want the forum to take your work seriously, you need to put in a little effort into the basics.  The this is a limerick because I say it is, is not logic or reasoning that will fly on the boards...


All I said was "more of a limerick than an actual poem".

This piece is the most basic form of poetry, by design. You may find it tacky from your perspective if you're more into what seems pretentious from my perspective but please just take it for what it is.


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## jenthepen (Apr 24, 2017)

Sooo, moving on...



 Hi, GB and welcome to the poetry forum.



 I really like the feel of this poem. Vampire's seduce don't they, and I think you have brought out that aspect beautifully. Your narrator is very persuasive and I especially like the way he makes his arguments so gently.


 For me, poetry is all about feeling and how well that is transmitted to the reader's mind, so your poem worked pretty well for me.


 There is another important ingredient in any good poem, though, and that is the flow – the smooth, unobtrusive way that the words carry the message.  


 I'm not fussed whether a poem rhymes or not, or if it follows established patterns, but flow matters for an important reason. Poetry works by communicating the feelings of the poet to another mind as seamlessly as possible and the most successful way to do this is to appeal to the 'emotional or artistic' side of the brain of the reader.  


 Any 'lumpiness' or abrupt changes in flow can kick in the reasoning side of the brain and inhibit the emotional side and then all kinds of objections and inferences start to be explored when, what a poem requires, is to connect directly with another mind on the same level, so that the reader can then recognise affinity in feeling and emotion.


 So how to achieve good flow? I suppose, if it was easy we would all be doing it all the time  but it is something to be aware of and to keep working on. It's not a simple thing like counting syllables or making sure all lines are the same length. The only way I've found to achieve it (sometimes) is to read every poem aloud and keep trying out new phrasing and different word-order when things sound 'wrong'.




 To explain what I'm trying to say, let me use two of your own stanzas…


 This one has a smooth, strong flow and allows me to take in the meaning with no disruption of my concentration.


_Let me drink from you in the moonshine
See how it strengthens your might
You'll learn to embrace the darkness
There's more than one kind of light_


 Whereas, this one sounds kind of lumpy. I've suggested words You might consider removing and added (in brackets) words that you might choose. Read both versions aloud and see if you agree one sounds smoother than the other.


_Let go of your misguided morals
A naive (your) view of what's wrong and what's right
Play by a whole new set of (Vampire) rules
Rules that will  allow  (let) your spirit to take flight_


 Anyway, sorry to ramble on and I hope my suggestions help a little.  


 jen


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## Chesters Daughter (Apr 24, 2017)

Was this warning somehow missed?



Ariel said:


> *This will return to topic and all name-calling and finger-pointing will stop or this thread will be closed. *



because post number 22 is back to finger pointing, and simply regurgitating what's already been expressed in multiple prior posts. Please move on because the next post that does not address the work itself will see this thread locked.

Gold Bearer, I am not singling you out but am addressing the community as a whole regarding your following post:



Gold Bearer said:


> No I certainly won't be crying to moderator if if have a problem with someone, definitely not my style. I'll deal with it myself. Don't take that tone with me and then turn round and complain when you get it back. Don't dish it out if you can't take it yourself. It's very simple.



Contacting a mod is not crying, and handling things yourself can land you in the penalty box if rules are broken in the process of doing so. If you feel a member has acted inappropriately, report the post and we will take action if it is warranted. Disliking the tone or content of an honest critique that is solely directed at the work and not personal in any facet does give the recipient the right to retaliate with personal attacks.

A few refreshers for everyone:

*Name calling and personal attacks are always inappropriate and will not be tolerated.

All work posted in creative threads must be your own. If for some reason you wish to share a snippet of someone else's work to somehow complement your own original work, author known or unknown, credit must always be given to the originator. No exceptions. No credit equals plagiarism and/or copyright infringement, both of which are serious offenses.

When a member of staff posts a directive, it is not to be ignored.



Thanks to everyone for their valued attention.
*


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

Chester's Daughter said:


> Was this warning somehow missed?
> 
> 
> 
> because post number 22 is back to finger pointing, and simply  regurgitating what's already been expressed in multiple prior  posts.


I felt it was important to point out that I have  absolutely no problem with critiques because it seems I might have given  that impression to some and I wouldn't want to discourage people from  doing that with my writing because that's why I'm here.

Anyway, in the spirit of moving on...





jenthepen said:


> Hi, GB and welcome to the poetry forum.


Than you. 



jenthepen said:


> I really like the feel of this poem. Vampire's seduce don't they, and I think you have brought out that aspect beautifully. Your narrator is very persuasive and I especially like the way he makes his arguments so gently.


She, she's a vampire queen.



jenthepen said:


> For me, poetry is all about feeling and how well that is transmitted to the reader's mind, so your poem worked pretty well for me.


Thank you again.



jenthepen said:


> There is another important ingredient in any good poem, though, and that is the flow – the smooth, unobtrusive way that the words carry the message.
> 
> 
> I'm not fussed whether a poem rhymes or not, or if it follows established patterns, but flow matters for an important reason. Poetry works by communicating the feelings of the poet to another mind as seamlessly as possible and the most successful way to do this is to appeal to the 'emotional or artistic' side of the brain of the reader.
> ...


I did. I swapped round lines and verses quite a bit until I settled with it. There's a lot of possible combinations though and I probably didn't find the best one. I'm going to make some of the changes that have been suggested and see if swapping a few things round after that helps it.



jenthepen said:


> To explain what I'm trying to say, let me use two of your own stanzas…
> 
> 
> This one has a smooth, strong flow and allows me to take in the meaning with no disruption of my concentration.
> ...


Maybe just dropping the 'whole' would help.




jenthepen said:


> Anyway, sorry to ramble on and I hope my suggestions help a little.


No, don't be sorry. That did help a lot.


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## jenthepen (Apr 24, 2017)

Gold Bearer said:


> She, she's a vampire queen



OOps! Of course, sorry. :redface2:


And yes, maybe just dropping 'whole' _would_ work. Good plan. Keep at it.


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## sas (Apr 24, 2017)

GB.....  As a writer, I'm sure you know that just reading what someone says, as critique, often comes across as terse. I am often misunderstood because of it. I tend to speak very directly & clipped. I was in business and cut to the chase to get things done for over 30 years. I think you have a strong backbone and will come to know each of our styles, and probably come to appreciate all of them, for what each can offer. I expect you will be surprised at those you come to want their opinion. 

Poetry can teach all writers how to write better. Each word, each line, is of utmost importance; selected with care. Prose writers often bury their stories & ruin them. Look to poetry to teach discipline. Use it as a refining tool.  Hope helpful.  Best. sas


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## Gold Bearer (Apr 24, 2017)

I revised it using the some of the suggestions, big thanks to sas and jenthepen.



sas said:


> "no life" seems stilted and wrong. Why not "lifeless"?
> "Feel the beauty of the lifeless" (it would match structure of "Taste the blood of the ages")


Yes! That sounds really good, and there was already a line ending with life.



sas said:


> Now you force me to confess that I love to drink a good moonshine. I've been treated to the best. So your use of "moonshine" took me off track. Maybe it's just a term here in The States. Would moonglow work? Smiles.


Yes.



sas said:


> Look to "of" phrases being overused. I counted 12. It is common to novice poetry writers who think there is poetry in its use.


I used it three times in one verse so I got rid of one. 'We are not what you believe is to be' instead of 'We are not what you believe of us'. Sounds better anyway.



jenthepen said:


> OOps! Of course, sorry.


It was originally called seduced by darkness so that it could be a male of female vampire, even though it was always a vampire queen in my head. I changed it after the main revision because there's one line where she actually refers to herself as a queen. I could change it to make the gender undefined but I really like the sound of the queen of forever.



jenthepen said:


> And yes, maybe just dropping 'whole' would work. Good plan. Keep at it.


Yea, definitely sounds better, and there's already a 'whole', 'I'll take your senses to a whole new height'.



sas said:


> GB..... As a writer, I'm sure you know that just reading what someone says, as critique, often comes across as terse.


I don't think of myself as a writer yet, unless you meant you're speaking as a writer. I'm trying to be. What I've posted on the site are the only things I've ever written apart from previous failed attempts to write my story. I've still got the hand written versions of my earlier attempts and they make me cringe. I may not be a good writer but the improvement between my earlier attempts and my current one gives me hope, they were that bad.


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## sas (Apr 25, 2017)

GB.....  I think you're going to like it here. And, we're going to like you here. Thumbs up, pal.  sas


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