# 3/3/12 - LM - The Abyss - Scores



## Like a Fox (Apr 1, 2012)

Okay, here we have the results of the last LM challenge.
A big thanks to our judges Kyle Colorado, bazz cargo, Hawke, and Jon M. Great job, guys. 
And of course, to all who entered, thank you for entering, and good work 

Now, to the mathsy bit:
(Please let me know if I’ve made any miscalculations)

*Choices by Terry D* – 16.5 + 17 + 17 + 18 = Average of *17.125*
*The Jailer on Death Row by LaughinJim* – 16.5 + 16 + 16 + 18 = Average of *16.625*
*Mindslip by ForceFlow* – 14.5 + 15 + 16+ 16 = Average of *15.375*
*The Abyss by Gamer2k4* –15 + 16 + 17 + 17.5 = Average of *16.375*
Going *Gentle into that Good Night *by garza – 15.5 + 17 + 18 + 19 = Average of *17.375*
*Adam by Rubisco* – 16.5 + 17 + 15 + 16 = Average of *16.125*
*Untitled by Candid Petunia* – 17 + 19 + 17 + 17 = Average of *17.5*
*Time to Redecorate by Rusty Nail* – 15.5 + 17 + 17 + 16 = Average of *16.375*

And now, our winners. So please help me in congratulating:

*Candid Petunia* for her first place untitled story. 
*Garza* for Going Gentle into that Good Night which takes second place.
And *Terry D* for Choices, which wins third place this round.

Good work, everyone.
Now here are the judges’ comments:

*
Kyle Colorado’s Scores*

*Choices by TerryD*
SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
The truth in the eyes he was starring into now was ugly.. soon enough the toe tags reading, John and Jane Doe
Tone and Voice: 4 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5 

This was a solid execution of a shock ending. You play well on manipulating the reader’s interest to propel the story along. The paragraph about the location of the bodies and the implacable grinding machine of the search for truth was outstanding. However, Walker felt a bit stereotypical and one dimensional to me. There was no hint of a backstory for him, no reason for his killing spree other than the one you offered in his monologue, about wanting to hurt others because he’d been hurt enough himself.. A reason I wasn’t satisfied with as a reader. It’s hard with the limited word count, I know.. Much of the space needed to build Walker into a full character was taken by the necessary information and suspense-building that your premise required. In the end I felt the story lacked what I believe makes shock endings successful: the reader has to root for the character, usually accomplished through empathy as a result of undeserved misfortune and showing the character struggling admirably to cope. That way when the twist is revealed it becomes a one-two upheaval of not just the reader’s cognitive expectations, but the reader’s emotional investment as well. I wasn’t rooting for Walker, his character felt more like a prop for the ending, rather than a character itself. As a result, this was both a hit and a miss for me. Definitely strong writing, but not as satisfying as I was hoping for. But I did enjoy reading it. Cheers!


*The Jailer on Death Row by LaughinJim*

SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
but the one that the jailor Sam, bought with his own money.. He drifted into a reverie… (tense inconsistency)

Tone and Voice: 4.5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4.5 – Strong, unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5

This is an intriguing glimpse into the almost caricature-like professional life of Sam as a prison executioner. Good characterization with the meticulousness with which Sam operates, the mention of his memoir aspirations, and his theological foundations and mythological dreams.
Skillful writing, though for me as a reader it lacked any deeper resonance or meaning. I did appreciate the use of realism, such as the mention of the mournful wail of Black Mariah to refer to the approaching police siren.
The fantasy scenario (as I interpreted it to be) of Sam having the morbid pleasure of executing Hitler (though I could be wrong, as I have been led to believe Hitler had blue eyes, not green) is an interesting one, though it seems to be there only to fulfill vicarious desires. For that reason the emotional effect wasn’t as high as it could have been. Still, well crafted. Cheers!


*Mind Slip by Forceflow*

SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme
Emotional Effect: 3 – Effective but inconsistent emotional effect
Total: 14.5

Scene: A female telepath and spell-caster in a closed room with a young male Enforcer (who can move faster than can be seen). It’s snowing outside. She can look into someone’s mind and bring to surface their haunts and fears. The enforcer roughs her up and then offers friendship, as they are, after all, part of a team. The concept is intriguing, but the narrative voice is so innocuous and sterile that it, at least for me, detracted from the potential, leaving the weight of the story on the shoulders of the dialogue. To pull this off the dialogue has to be fascinating. The “pope in the pool” technique should also apply, which is a screenwriting term to mean that when relying on dialogue in a scene, there should be something interesting happening in the physical environment simultaneously to avoid stasis. For me the story stumbled a bit on both of these counts: the dialogue was interesting but also a bit too veiled and confusing (suspense is good, but only if it leads to solid and satisfying revelations, otherwise it hints that the author may perhaps not have a clear idea of where he or she is going with everything) and the characters talking in a closed room is quite the definition of physical stasis, the opposite of what this scene warranted. Putting these two characters outside the room, in the snowy woods, would have improved this scene in my opinion (instead of her being elbowed in the stomach into the wall of the cabin, having her back slamming into a tree would be better, etc..) I like the ideas here, they would do well with a longer piece, and your use of dialogue is strong, but again, more suited to longer writing. All this leads me to believe that you’re more experienced with short stories or possibly novels than you are with Flash Fiction. Regardless, I loved your last line. She looked away. “So I am told.” Brilliant! Thanks for entering, I enjoyed reading. Cheers!


*The Abyss by Gamer2k4*

SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme
Emotional Effect: 3.5 - Interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15

An interesting conversation between two characters ruminating on what happens after death, weighing the many viewpoints on the subject. I would have appreciated a secondary element, a simultaneous “B Story” taking place while the conversation unfolded, one that paralleled one of the several concepts contained within the discussion (such as the protagonist remembering something from the past, which is revealed in pieces as the conversation progresses, or alternatively, something happening in the present that reflects the concept of death and beyond metaphorically in some way). Henry also lacked characterization. He served more of a purpose as a disembodied voice to present the thematic argument, rather than being a fully-fleshed character as I would have preferred. And you went a little heavy on the past perfect tense in the first paragraph with all the “had”s (correct usage, though it could have been simplified). However, I like the final message. Treasure it, indeed! Thanks for the read. Cheers!


*Going Gentle into that Good Night by Garza*

SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15.5

A charming conversation about death between a man on his deathbed and his priest friend. What I appreciated in this was the characterization given to both characters, with the priests continual attempts to politely nudge John towards God, and John’s recognition of Patrick’s origins (seeing him as a person and not just a priest). The nothingness that John perceives as preceding and following his life is one that he acceptingly slides into, leaving Patrick behind to end their conversation with a respectful formality. Your conversation is interesting and full of subtle character quirks, and so it manages to avoid the necessity of a “pope in the pool” moment (where dialogue is interspersed with something else occurring simultaneously to distract the reader, the highest level of this technique is when that something serves as a metaphorical analogy for the conversation itself). It does, however, leave a lacking in the realm of narrative strength, as there is very little narration at all to begin with. It’s something I would have preferred to see a little more of, if even just a glimpse. Though overall I enjoyed this very much. Cheers!


*The Spirit of Wells by Bazz Cargo*

Judge Entry – No score

I love the paragraph describing the hedge trimmer. Everything about it is exceptional.
Perhaps it’s my notice of your quirky sense of humor, or that I myself am more gutter-minded than I realize, but I thought you were hinting at something raunchy here with the Lady desiring to have her bush neatly trimmed, and there being a crack in the back side. .. *slaps forehead* If that wasn’t your intention then I profusely apologize for putting the image in your head about your story’s analogous meaning. Hah! Good luck getting rid of it now!

I wonder what the glowing eyes belong to? I like that the brothers found similar callings. Fun story to read. Cheers!


*Adam by Rubisco*

SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
make the emptiness to go away… I also knew that I was showing fear in my eyes as well, it was a feeling I had never known before… (Should be a period)
Tone and Voice: 4 - Effective, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5

I like the unique viewpoint of Adam after eating the forbidden fruit from the tree of Knowledge. Here we have the moment he becomes self-aware, and his panic at the looming repercussions of his act. The weight of this one tiny choice is made clear, most especially with his reasoning that he had now introduced death into the world. Quite a price to pay. I would have appreciated a new slant, some new perspective or alternate events than those of the biblical story, but nonetheless the application of the theme as an internal abyss where a connection with God should be is a creative achievement in itself. I enjoyed reading. Cheers!

*
Untitled by candid petunia*

SPaG: 4 – Gramatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 5 – Perfectly fitting tone and voice.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 3 – Effective but inconsistent execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique emotional effect
Total: 17

This was light and playful, and I enjoyed the way you tied it all together at the end. I docked you a few points for theme, as the theme itself did not encompass the story of Adam, it only played a minor cameo role. However, you made high marks in everything else. Enjoyable throughout, I would have preferred if you flexed more of your creative muscles and didn’t use already established characters from other authors, and relied instead on Adam’s own take on character archetypes (a wizard instead of Harry Potter, unnamed jungle man instead of Tarzan, a masked crime fighter instead of Batman… like in my favorite comic Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin invents his own superhero identities with Stupendous Man and Spaceman Spiff), but your execution of it was so well done that I didn’t hold it against you. I enjoyed reading this and was pleased to see how you tied it all together. I’m glad Hawke poked you in the tummy to encourage you to enter. Cheers!


*Time to Redecorate by Rusty Nail*

SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing 
Tone and Voice: 4.5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 3 – Effective but inconsistent execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15.5

I like the unique reveal offered by dual perspectives. The prompted theme was only handled as a minor aside, and not an overall arching element, so I was forced to lower your score because of that. However, the plot itself was creatively maneuvered, so it elevated your style points. I would have liked some deeper resonance, and at this line I at first thought I had found it: Single-malt is really meant for sipping and savouring, not for tossing back in one gulp. It’s potent stuff. However, as I read further, I realized this was not a thematic metaphor for relationships or infidelity (or whatever), but simply a plot device to keep the man on the couch asleep. Keep an eye out for moments where you can include such meaningful devices. They can elevate your writing further. Overall I enjoyed this. Clever, sadistic stuff! Cheers!


*
Bazz Cargo’s Scores*

*Ida Sees The Moon By KyleColorado.*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 10-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 0 Judges score.

This is simply beautiful. I was engaged by the characters, the situation and the little snippet of story. I want to know more. I want the chemo to work, I want there to be a love story. I want a happy, soppy ending. Very rarely does something bullet its way into me like this.

Loved it.

* * *

*The Jailer On Death Row By LaughinJim*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 8-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 16/20

This was an ambitious piece that included Greek mythology, Potter's Field, a possible reference to the second world war and a planetary musing. In 650 words it would be tight, in less than 500 it's going to be tough. For the most part you pulled it off.

The lead voice is strong. The story was easy to follow. The scene was clear.

It did feel a little hammered together. Possibly you could have used some of the word space you had left to smooth out some of the transitions. 

I don't know if this is a minor spello, or if you are being clever with a sailor/Jailor riff.

he hears the mournful wail of the Black Mariah drawing near. What devilish dish have they cooked up for me today?
I tend towards putting thoughts or internal dialogue in italics. And Maria doesn't have an H.

It was a pleasure to read this. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

* * *
*
Choices by Terry D*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20

WOW! Never saw that coming. Clever how you mixed hints of CSI into the story. I was impressed by the way you laid out everything without giving the game away. Even without the trick it still has strength and depth. Clear scene, easy to follow, strong character.

Strip of weed covered.
he was staring into 

A cracking read.

* * *

*Mind Slip by  Forceflow.*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 7-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 15/20

The first two paragraphs are rather clunky, then everything settles down. The scene is easy to follow, the conceit intriguing, the end well executed. Strong characterization, nicely written dialogue, not too sure about the scene, the reaction of the battered woman didn't make sense and she seems to cope with the damage and pain a bit too easily.

Given more words you could make this into something special.

A good read.

* * *

*Going Gentle Into That Good Night By Garza.*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20

You set yourself a hard task. Nearly all dialogue. I found it easier to read if I put on an Irish accent. I've used the death bed scene myself, you do it better. Personal philosophy verses religious cant. An old pathway given a makeover. 

Neat touch to include some Gaelic. It may have paid to put some right at the beginning to give the reader an early hint on the brogue. 

Part of my problem is, I'm a citizen of the UK. So when I read stuff I expect “speech marks” 
'Quotation marks' and the inner dialogue in italics. I gather the rules are different for each country.
Even so I would have put the *Goodbye and blessings on you. In italics.

Despite my UK habits I found it easy to follow and once the accent was in place very engaging. 
Very neat, thought provoking but not all that emotional. Suited the sadness without drowning it with tears. 

I loved it.

* * *
*
The Abyss by Gamer 2k4*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 8-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 16/20

A snippet of a conversation with someone who is patently bonkers. Very neat, very tight. Nothing to tell me where the conversation is taking place. No idea how long you have been friends. Or how good a friend you are. Makes me wonder if you let Henry drift away from your friendship, or did you try and help him?
A nice try at dodging the religious overtones the prompt has. Strong word usage gave this an intellectual feel. The strength of this makes me interested in reading more.

I liked this a lot.

* * *
*Untitled by Candid petunia.*

5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 19/20

You got me good on this one. I was enjoying the weirdness and then, bam! I just had to go back and reread it with a different perspective, it still worked! 

I wish to thank Hawke for encouraging you, otherwise I would have missed this.

Thanks for a brilliant read.

* * *
*Adam by Rubisco.*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20

Strong and bold. A striking picture that will follow me around for days. An age old story given a nice polish. Easy to read, well presented.

There are a few clunky lines, for example
make the emptiness to go away. 
I also knew that I was showing fear in my eyes as well

A good contender, worthy of respect.

I enjoyed the read.

* * *

*Time To Redecorate by Rusty Nail*

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20

So I'm in this murderous scheme, eh? A challenging point of view well executed. I did suffer from the change of POV, it led me awry for a moment. 

She came down a few minutes later, dragging her high heels and shrugging on her coat as she slunk shame-facedly through the door

Great description, although shamefacedly comes up as a proper word.
Not sure about bollocksed, it doesn't seem to exist, but I like it.

Very nice example of the revenge/crime genre.

I loved it.
* * *


*Hawke’s Scores*

*Choices - Terry D - 17*
Nits: A few missing commas; a couple of instances of commas where there should be emdashes; a semicolon where there should be a colon. Quibbles, really.

I enjoyed this. I figured it out with the first non-answer—hoped, really—and was not disappointed. Nice. Nice work, as well. 


*Ida Sees The Moon - Kyle Colorado – Judge Entry (No score)*
I enjoyed this as well. Strange how the mind works though, eh?--as in I couldn’t stop wondering why it took Ida so long (twelve) to see the moon. Surely she hasn’t had Cancer for her entire short life, has she? Okay, okay, so I’ll try to let the questions go, mainly because I must have missed something and because it was a very good, very warm read. Thank you. 


*The Jailer on Death Row - LaughinJim - 16*
Nits: Perhaps split the Fates by semicolons instead of commas, for easier reading. A few comma, semicolon, emdash and colon quibbles. 

Now that was unique. I’m guessing this Sam character is the ultimate Jailer (souls), though if so, I’d not sure I’d call him merely a jailer. Unless we’re all in jail, that is. 


*Mind Slip - Force flow - 16*
Nits: First paragraph needs restructuring - you could remove a lot of words by editing out the repetitions; “As had been pointed out (to her?) earlier…”; not a great fan of the f-bomb in a LM just to say, but that won’t be reflected in the score. 

I have the feeling that this was part of a much larger work, reworked for this competition. No harm if it is, just that part of it was a tad confusing, such as: I think the fight was in his mind (wasn’t it?). If it was, then perhaps you could have made that clearer by having him rush over to her. Or have her face uninjured. Or have a clearer break from his mind. Just suggestions. Cool read. 

*
The Abyss - Gamer_2k4 - 17*
Nits: needs look = need look

You’ve been reading the Debate forum again, haven’t you? (Just teasing.) I would prefer more flesh on it—background, a coffee cup… something— but that’s how it goes given the word count. Even so, it was quite good. Sometimes all we have are our experiences—right or wrong, remembered correctly or not. 


*Going Gentle into that Good Night - garza - 18*
Nits: ‘If you’ll hold me that water glass with the crooked straw for me I’ll explain = If you’ll hold that water glass with the crooked straw for me, I’ll explain ; a few missing commas

This felt real and too close to home for me, yet. Really good though. This was another that would have benefited with more flesh, but was a bit skinny because of the word count. A touching work. Thank you for the read. 


*The Spirit of Wells - bazz cargo – Judge Entry (No score)*
Nits: The third paragraph needs to be reworked; an era gone by = a bygone era; not sure how the “Very short and very round” list relates to what precedes the colon; Stan shook it, in his line of work… = Stan shook it. In his line of work… ; a few sentence structure and comma quibbles.

‘Coming face to face with the audience‘ work? Kinda neat, that. I have to admit that I did get a little turned around at times and wondered if maybe using the unused hundred words would have straightened some of that out. Neat stuff. Pretty simple though. I’d really like to see you go wild with it next time. 


*Adam - rubisco - 15*
Nits: I glanced over at Eve, she was… = I glanced over at Eve. She was… ; comma usage quibbles; paragraph break quibbles; watch your sentence structure (reading your work out loud will tell you how it will read to others).

I liked your take on an old and well used idea. There was nothing new though—no ‘ah-ha’ or ‘wow’ moments to make it truly memorable and all your own. In other words it was a safe idea, which was okay but would rarely stand out. I think you’re capable of more. 


*Candid Petunia - Untitled - 17*
Nits: Candid, dear, where is the title?

I’m so glad I challenged you! Geez, this was too cute. Not sure if the abyss gazed back though, but I was grinning far too much to worry about it. Super entertaining and a lot of fun. Nice work.  


*Time To Redecorate - Rusty Nail - 17*
Very cool. I liked this… though not in a “I’m taking notes in case I need it someday”—liked. Meh, you know what I mean. Sure it’s been done before, and of course I would’ve liked a little more background and all that. Still, you did well with the word count.


*Jon M’s Scores*

*CHOICES by Terry D – 18/20*
This was a very smooth read. I liked how the back story was seamlessly included, and many of the images that Walker could see, in his mind, were very vivid. It’s a good portrait of a man coming unhinged. Walker seems to have an abnormal obsession with the truth, which makes the end feel more credible. You tell us a lot about Walker in a limited space, and it never felt forced. However, I think the man Walker was talking to needed to be shown a little more. He doesn’t do anything but exist, like a mere plot device for Walker, and I think even just a couple of images, him grinning or something, would have made this feel a little less one-sided. And the ‘plastic shower curtain’ at the end came as a surprise, because up to that point it seemed like this story took place in an interrogation room, i.e., ‘even the lights in the room demanded truth; bright, direct, and cold’. I think if the setting is different from the typical, expected setting, that should be clarified at the beginning. And it would have functioned as a hook, really, because the setting would have been unusual, and we’d want to know why.

*
IDA SEES THE MOON by KyleColorado (Judge’s entry – no score)*
I thought this was such a focused and well-done piece of flash fiction. The writing itself feels very full to me – very textured – and I think that is partly because there’s a lot of great word choices here. Strong verbs – perched, floating, clambered, etc. – that make the writing very energetic, fresh. Particularly enjoyed ‘chirp of static’.

But I think my favorite part is when the grey spots are mentioned, how at first the lack of gray seems like a bad thing (only black and white), then moving on to the gray spots on the X-ray films (?), how Robby didn’t believe in gray spots, and that’s why she liked him! Didn’t see it coming. Just a lovely piece of writing there.

Enjoyed this very much.

*
THE JAILER ON DEATH ROW by LaughinJim – 18/20*
I enjoyed all of the details in this story, and I didn’t know that Black Mariah was slang for a police van. Lots of interesting things going on here, and like I said, the details make this a great story. But there is a contradiction in the story that I felt was not properly addressed: Sam believes that ‘even the lowest of the low deserves a proper burial’, and following that, he believes that ‘no defilement is too horrible’ for the man with the small mustache, and I wanted to know why. This feels like a very important point in the story, because of the apparent contradiction in Sam’s belief, and yet it comes across as an incidental detail. Also, I found the last line puzzling, but I sense that it is important: I interpret his reverie of Pluto’s ‘eccentric orbit’ as a commentary on the way Sam views himself – something of an outsider. Hard to say, though, because the line seems kind of random and not fitting well with the rest of the story. But the details – the book and the shroud, etc – are truly what made this an enjoyable read.


*MINDSLIP by Forceflow – 16/20*
Pretty solid writing. The part of the story where he hits her I thought was done well – it’s not a labored description of everything that happens, as if in slo-mo, but more how I imagine it really goes – only conscious of a few painful moments, and then suddenly she’s on the floor. Some things I felt were typical, almost cliché, such as when she goes to leave and at the very last moment he finally speaks. That sort of thing seems to happen in movies a lot. But the biggest problem I saw with this occurred in the second paragraph. His back is to hear, but we are told she studies him, and what follows is a list of his attributes that cannot, at this moment in the story, be seen by the girl. So this information about the male character seemed to come not from the girl, but from the author, who wanted us to know how cool this guy looked. I suggest avoiding this kind of ‘laundry-list’ of character attributes in the future, mostly because it always seems out of place and info-dumpy. And, ‘Average height and average build.’ Is such a dead, empty phrase anyway – average according to what standard? But like I said it’s a smooth, enjoyable read, and some of the moments, like the fight, you handled with a deftness that I really appreciated.


*THE ABYSS by Gamer_2k4 – 17.5/20*
The ending has a nice resonance which I enjoyed. Overall it’s well written. The dialogue sounds a couple centuries old, which I assume was your intention. It reads easily and sounds authentic. The issue I have with it, however, is that it seems a little preachy. There are quite a few instances where the characters seem like mere mouthpieces for the author, personified to represent opposite sides of an argument. I suppose that is the difficulty inherent in this kind of story.

I did not get a strong impression of either of these characters, what their histories are, or even what they are doing in this scene, and I think that absence weakens the story and makes it difficult to know or care about these men.


*GOING GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT by Garza – 19/20*
I thought this story was really great. It is clean and very easy to read, and your prose style is simple (not to be confused with simplistic), which I admire. Like Gamer’s entry, you do a great job telling a story through dialogue. The story also felt rooted in the real world. I enjoyed the mention of Dublin and his ‘Gaeltacht home’, and also the inclusion of a foreign language – it helped this story feel real, that there was a history behind all of this dialogue.

The danger in this kind of story – two people ruminating on life and death, or some other big theme – is that the story can feel preachy at times. I think you mostly avoid that, and this line: 'If you'll hold me that water glass with the crooked straw for me I'll explain.’ I thought was really great because for a moment it brought this conversation back down to Earth, to mundane things, and it also made the story feel very real.

Great bit of writing.


*THE SPIRIT OF WELLS by Bazz Cargo (judge’s entry—no score)*
Such a tease – ending with a cliffhanger. Boo!

Some really funny moments in this. I enjoyed reading it. I’ve not read much of your writings here, but just from this I can tell you’re pretty skilled at sketching out characters. Reg’s description was great, very vivid and unique, and I particularly enjoyed the Saharan desert bit.


*ADAM by Rubisco – 16/20*
I liked this scenario, and it is written well, but it doesn’t add anything new. I think if you’re going to take on a tale as well known like this, you have to make it different in some way or else there’s no point. Also I think involving the serpent as a character would have improved this tale, made it more interesting. We already know Adam and Eve eat the fruit, what we don’t necessarily know are the moments leading up to that decision. How did the conversation / argument go? All of that could have been dramatized, and that conflict – the serpent urging them on, Adam hesitating – could have made this tale more interesting. Also, lines like “As we walked out of the garden, the world looked different. I felt different.” are not successful in evoking the strange, new world confronting them. I read this line and immediately asked, “How? How is it different?” Even just a brief image would have sufficed. Also, I don’t like the ending, it reads as an obvious statement of the theme, and Adam’s sudden positive attitude seems, to me, at odds with his earlier apprehension and doubt. And his turnaround happens so quickly – not a lot of time has passed since he tasted the forbidden fruit, and so it seems unlikely (and unbelievable) he would exit Eden feeling chipper about anything, even the future.

But overall this is a good piece of writing, even with the issues mentioned, and I did enjoy reading it.


*UNTITLED by Candid Petunia – 17/20*
This one made me smile. I was wondering where the story was headed at first, and then it’s all cleared up – young Adam (West?) is just playing pretend. I like your prose style – it kind of bounces along on a pleasant rhythm. I loved seeing Batman relegated to finding some girl’s toy doll. Very fun. And Captain Planet misplacing the banana peel. What a hypocrite!

Good story. I had a lot of fun reading it.


*TIME TO REDECORATE by Rusty Nail – 16/20*
So there’s some backstabbing going on in this story, the narrator with her plan and then later being set up, but that doesn’t seem to have much importance in the story, it’s more of an ancillary detail, so I wonder if the story is not as focused as it could be. Also, I didn’t get a feel for these characters as much as I would have liked because their history together, and perhaps of their past skirmishes, is not mentioned very often – only a few times (the nanny). So the story is very much in the present, and is very linear, and I got a sense of the ending early on. So I think the major thing to work on in the future is to include at least a sketch of your characters history. I think it will help make your stories feel more textured and real.

Also, I noticed a few cliché phrases. These are not huge problems, but each one tends to drain a little of the life and originality from your work. They are: “The look on your face was priceless.”; “You were caught in the act”; “Good riddance”. All of these are familiar, popular expressions, and because they are so common they are not really interesting and certainly do not represent an original use of language. So be on the lookout for these.

I thought the Scotch details were interesting – on the proper way to drink one. Interesting stuff there. And this line: “I doubt if any of it touched his tongue.” seemed to have a lot of layered and wonderful meanings.


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## candid petunia (Apr 1, 2012)

Gosh, I'm speechless! I'd never dreamt that I'd bag first place. I'm going to try do this more often. 


To the judges, thank you all for your time. I really couldn't come up with a title that suited the playful mood of the story. (psst readers, I'd appreciate suggestions for a title please :hopelessness: )


*Kyle*, I think you're right in saying I could have created my own superheroes. And I'm still scratching my head trying to understand the theme part, I guess I don't understand the mechanics of prose easily (if there's anything like that). Thanks for everything, though. 

*Bazz*, hehe I'm liking that you had to go back and read the story again. Thanks. *grin*

*Hawke*, I love you!  (and oh yeah, the title...)

*Jon*, thanks, Glad it made you smile. 


Congratulations to garza and Terry as well.


Once again, thank you all. Hawke, a big hug for you.


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## Kyle R (Apr 1, 2012)

Congrats, *Candid*! Your entry was really fun to read, and well written, too!

I'm also sorry if I battered anyone's self-esteem down with my critiques. I am hyper-critical about the smallest details (and often for no reason!) I do it to my own writing as well (if you could see how I analyze my own fiction it would look like I'm verbally abusing myself). So I hope nobody takes my feedback too personally! I truly did enjoy each entry. I got caught up with the technicalities, so allow me to make up for that here:

*Terry *- Regardless of my nitpicks, I think you're a fantastic writer with balance and flexibility in your writing, like an experienced professional fighter. Congrats on third place!

*LaughinJim *- I tore into your entry, but your writing voice and skill with words is really quite dazzling. You have this ability to elevate your writing at moments into the realm of art.

*Forceflow *- You're quite creative and despite my criticism, I see evidence that you're an impressive storyteller. I think you likely excel at longer pieces, when given room to show off your writing ability.

*Gamer *- The conversation itself was actually quite great, but I wanted to see the narrative writing of Gamer! So I docked you, a bit harshly, only because I was mopey and frowning because I didn't get to see you flex your writing muscles. Truly fascinating dialogue though! It deserves recognition.

*Garza*- You're really good at creating unique, insightful characters who impart wisdom effortlessly. I desperately want to see more of your narrative and descriptive abilities, though! Congrats on second place!

*Bazz *- You have this unique ability to pull me into a fascinating story already in progress before I even realize what has happened. How do you do it? I'm glad you liked my story, thanks for the encouraging feedback!

*rubisco *- You have a natural inclination for dramatic, powerful writing. A unique combination of subtlety and authority. Good stuff!

*candid petunia *- Your writing surprised and impressed me! I admire your effortless voice, and enjoyed the way you funnel everything into a punchline.

*rusty nail *- Your creativity and story architecture is really quite masterful. You're operating at a higher level. It's quite impressive!

*Hawke *- You caught me! That opening was the remnants of the story I originally intended to write.. a science fiction where people live indoors because the environment is toxic. Ida breaks free and braves the fatal atmosphere in order to see the moon. Somehow it evolved into a more reflective, subtle piece. I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite the dangling opening hook. Thanks for the feedback.

*Jon M* - Thanks for the encouraging comments. I like your concept of texture through syntax and freshness through verbs. Your mind is very attuned with seeing writing as an artform! I'm also pleased you appreciated the symbolism. Those things usually happen accidentally with me, but I'm quick to jump on them and wring them like a wet sponge  as soon as they appear. Cheers!

Thanks to you too, *LAF*, for organizing and moderating! Your work is well appreciated!


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## Terry D (Apr 1, 2012)

Congratulations, candid petunia and garza!  Great stories and well deserved scores for you both.

Many thanks to the judges, you folks put a lot of effort into those critiques and I think your opinions are right on the money.  I hope everyone enjoyed reading Choices as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Kyle -- Your comment that Walker was too two dimensional is spot on.  He's definitely a caricature of a conflicted, crooked cop.  Perhaps if I'd sat on the story for a few days before submitting I would have seen that.

Bazz -- I'm glad it took you by surprise.  I'm a sucker for twist endings and shifts in perspective in the stuff I read (probably too much Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, and O. Henry as a kid).  As a writer I'll give up style points for a good emotional kick to the yarbels any day; one of my many failings.

Hawke -- Again, I'm thrilled that it worked for you on a story level -- I'd rather be a bad writer than a boring one!  I struggle with getting my punctuation right on my best days.  Strunk and White are always within arm's reach, but too often I don't ask their advice.

Jon M -- Your critique shows me a major failing in the story; I obviously didn't do a good enough job of showing that the man Walker was talking to was his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.  I knew that trying to show that in just the last few words was a risk.  Sorry I didn't pull it off better.  I'm happy the rest of the tale worked for you, though.  Thanks for reading it.


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## garza (Apr 1, 2012)

Thanks, judges, for all your kind comments. This is one of several endings I've written for 'A Pinch of Salt' and I've not yet made up my mind which to use. 

Hawke, that phrase, ‘If you’ll hold me that water glass...', was a regression to childhood; an expression my grandfather often used in place of 'hold for me' or 'hand me'. I should have added 'for me' immediately after the 'hold' which would have been near to his manner of speaking without sounding awkward. He would never have put the prepositional phrase all the way to the end. I tried for a balance between his literal way of speaking and standard English. As for commas, I did find one place where a comma might be added - after the words 'at my burying'.     

Bazz Cargo, two careful reviews by Pedro the Blind failed to turn up any direct quotes without their proper marks. I follow OUP guidelines, based on Hart's Rules and explained by Fowler, in the placing of quotation marks.    That final phrase following the asterisk is there for no other purpose than to explain the meaning of the Gaelic words for those as may be without knowledge of that tongue. There is no internal dialogue. 

Overall your comments have given me hope that perhaps in this life I'll learn to write proper fiction. 

Thank you.

Edit - In going back one more time I see that I wrote the sentence two ways and neglected to correct it. I've no idea why I would've put the 'for me' so far down. 'Tis obvious I'm afflicted with Old Timer's disease. That, or the Little People have been after having their bit of a laugh at my expense.


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## LaughinJim (Apr 5, 2012)

I am overwhelmed. This was my first crack at a writing contest; what fun. I enjoyed it immensely. I am only sorry that I did not have more time to devote to the piece as I had to leave town soon after for some weeks. Had I more time I could have ironed out most of the spag boo boos and joined the thing up a little better. I think I will use Sam and his friends in a longer piece at a future date. 

I’d like to thank all of the judges for their gracious consideration and time. I am quite pleased to have received fourth place and consider it a coup. To whom shall I send my address so that I can receive a gaily colored, satiny ribbon. I think turquoise will do nicely, and an ‘Honorable Mention’ printed in gold leaf on the button in the center of the ruffled bits (oh, and if you think of it, how about laurel leaves around the outer portion of the button, as a border). But seriously, I really did appreciate the reception. 

Congrats to Candid Petunia who brandished the perfect foil for an ominous sounding theme. Also, I very much enjoyed bazz cargo’s piece of implacably black and bawdy humor.

Any resemblance to historical personages, NSDAP leaders or whoever else is purely coincidental. I chose green eyes to invoke the green eyed monster of envy.

Of all of the judges, Hawke seems to have grasped my intentions the closest. I hate explaining myself but the jail that Sam operated is in the underworld: Hades. I was hoping that the image of the Fates spinning measuring and snipping an end to the lives of men as well as the day dream of Pluto’s eccentric orbit had made this clear. 

Lastly, very special thanks to Kyle whose magnanimous praise was a surprise considering our past differences. I do appreciate it and I hope we can consider the hatchet, once and for all, buried. Thanks again and I hope you all appreciated the glimpse of life (or death, as it were) across the River Styx. Next time I will not forget to pay Charon for the ferry ride across. I must have taken a dip at some point. 

Peace.


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## Kyle R (Apr 5, 2012)

candid petunia said:
			
		

> *Kyle*, I think you're right in saying I could have created my own superheroes. And I'm still scratching my head trying to understand the theme part, I guess I don't understand the mechanics of prose easily (if there's anything like that). Thanks for everything, though.



The theme was tricky in this one, but Adam saved the day! Will he be acting out the Hunger Games trilogy sometime in the future? He can be Katniss Everdeen! 



			
				TerryD said:
			
		

> Kyle -- Your comment that Walker was too two dimensional is spot on.  He's definitely a caricature of a conflicted, crooked cop.  Perhaps if I'd sat on the story for a few days before submitting I would have seen that.



I think highly of your writing, so when I found Walker to be a bit "familiar", I didn't consider it a flaw in your writing ability (and I still don't), I simply assumed it was authorial laziness . Which is not to say that I think you're a lazy writer, but I concluded that "Hmm, he must not have given Walker a lot of thought, is all! Oh that Terry, playing safe by sinking pars instead of going after the birdies!" (if that makes any sense)



LaughinJim said:


> Lastly, very special thanks to Kyle whose magnanimous praise was a surprise considering our past differences. I do appreciate it and I hope we can consider the hatchet, once and for all, buried.



But, can't I can praise your obvious talent, while still secretly shaking my fist at you?  Just kidding. Hope all's forgiven (I blame myself for that one).

And thanks for clearing up your piece! I had a feeling I was missing something in the interpretation. I'm going to go read it now with your explanation in mind.

Cheers


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## Terry D (Apr 5, 2012)

KyleColorado said:


> I think highly of your writing, so when I found Walker to be a bit "familiar", I didn't consider it a flaw in your writing ability (and I still don't), I simply assumed it was authorial laziness . Which is not to say that I think you're a lazy writer, but I concluded that "Hmm, he must not have given Walker a lot of thought, is all! Oh that Terry, playing safe by sinking pars instead of going after the birdies!" (if that makes any sense)



That makes perfect sense, Kyle, and is probably true although I hadn't thought about it in that way.  I may have to re-asses my approach to these 650 word stories.  I usually try to create an entire story arc, with a beginning, middle, and end.  Doing that in 650 words while simultaneously establishing depth of character, a vivid setting, tension, and establishing a consistent tone, means something is going to get short shrift.  My entries may be better served if I treat them like scenes from a story and focus on fewer aspects of the story arc.

You've given me food for thought :torn:, thanks!


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## Jon M (Apr 5, 2012)

Terry D said:


> I may have to re-asses my approach to these 650 word stories.  I usually try to create an entire story arc, with a beginning, middle, and end.


This is the reason behind my difficulties with the last two challenges. I had written for both of them, taken one through a few drafts even, only to realize later that I was trying to include too much. These challenges are easiest for me when I just focus on a moment. 650 words seems like quite a lot of space, then.


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## garza (Apr 5, 2012)

KyleColorado - I've only now seen your comment about narrative and descriptive writing.

As a beginning fiction writer I've been sticking mostly with dialogue to tell stories. Dialogue is so much simpler to write than description or narration. There needs to be a greater effort on my part to develop an ability to use narration and description effectively.


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## bazz cargo (Apr 7, 2012)

Congratulations to:
 Candid Petunia for a well deserved win,
 Garza for a second that I would have been proud to write myself,
 and Terry D for a medal winning third place.


 Thank you fellow judges, for putting up with me. (Now Hawke has burst my whoopee cushion I will have to behave myself). Thanks to LaFox for not hitting me and letting me have another go. Thanks to PP Sage, for the prompt and for his sterling work in getting us going.


 To all contenders.
 I enjoyed all the entries. This round contained some of the best writing I have come across. I especially wish to say a big hello and well done to the new names. I will keep an eye out for further stuff by you.  


 The title of my entry originally read 'The Spirit Of HG Wells.' but I thought it gave too much of the game away. And yes, it does appear to contain a whiff of smut.


 @ Kyle
 As always my writing is A/put up before it has been polished properly and B/overly ambitious. I'm glad it gave you a smile.


 @ Hawke.
 Thanks for the nit spotting. I'm trying to overcome decades of poor education and I need all the help I can get.  


 @ Jon M
 Thinking about it, I don't have a long list of work for you to find. Glad you enjoyed my effort.


 @ Garza
 I have a lot to learn and your book mention has sent me to the library to hire a copy. If I understand it I will buy my own copy.


 My apologies for misunderstanding the last line. I still think it makes a great outro.  


 @ LaughinJim
 One of the hardest things is to go somewhere unexpected and take your reader with you. Congratulations you did it.


 @ ForceFlow
 There was an element of page turner in your flash. A good hook that dragged me along and a great ending.


 @Gamer
 Somehow, with so little to go on you have still given me as a reader an insight into a different world.


 @ Rubisco
 You had the guts to embrace the religious connotations of the prompt, and you delivered in style.


 @ Rusty Nail
 650 words is a small space for a crime story/soap opera and yet you did it. Very neat.


 @ Candid Petunia
 I realize you have a shy nature and a reluctance to put your writing out there. I'm just glad Hawke is a mean bully, or I would have missed your work.


 @ Terry D
 I have a weakness for bad puns, femme fatales and twist-in-the tales. One out of three aint bad.


 Roll on the next round.:very_drunk:


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