# Twisted Summer (YA)(Language)



## lmc71775 (Oct 1, 2012)

Chapter One

Chase has something to tell me.  

What it is, I don’t know.  I’m more interested in seeing Heather again.  I want her to like me.  And I want it to happen soon.  Before summer starts.  Or better yet, before graduation—which is tomorrow of all days.  Watching Heather in the halls now only makes things worse for me that I haven’t said anything yet.  I yearn to touch her silken blonde hair.  Just seeing it hit the afternoon sun reminds me of the vacations my family and I would take by the lake.  Time is running out on me.  I need to tell her how I feel.

She’s standing by her locker, with Aaron—big burly, asshole Aaron.  Today she’s wearing her hair up in the ponytail, and her bangs pinned off to the side with that swirly thing she does.  Her small frame casts a slender shadow against the walls as her blue eyes are like two small jewels.  It’s hard not to stare, but I’ve managed to do it our whole senior year without her detecting it.

I walk as slow as possible.  My heart races ahead of me as I go.  The closer I get, the faster it beats.  And in that moment, when we cross paths, it stops.  But only in that moment.  That moment is about to happen in 3, 2, 1…

All the blood rushes to the top of my head, a big red face full of blood.  So much so, that my eyes begin to water.  It’s like holding your breath under water for as long as you can until that moment your head finally pops up to take that first gasp of air.

“Luke!”  a voice says behind me, causing me to inhale that extra breath, ruining the moment.

I stop dead cold.  A shock to the system flashes through my veins.  I turn around to see who it is—Chase.  He speeds up his pace, trotting his gangly body like an unhealthy horse and smiling that wide white grin he always does.  

Ever since he got his braces off, he’s been showing his teeth every chance he gets.  And right now he’s happy-- clearly, catching me gawking over Heather.

“Dude, what up!”  he yells out.  I glance over to Heather for a split second to see if she’s watching me.  She isn’t of course.  She’s too busy talking to Aaron—big, dopey football jock Aaron.  

“I see your day is starting out pretty good,” Chase says as he catches up to me.  “Can your face get any redder?”

“Shut up, man,” I tell him, smacking him in the head.  I try to walk faster, passing Heather up to speed to class.  Chase is by my side mumbling something about his dad and what happened last night.  I glance behind me again, back at Heather before the bell rings.  This is the last time I’ll see her before the end of school.

“Dude, man, are you even listening?”  Chase asks.

“What?”  We sit down in the back, near the windows.  It’s warm and stuffy.  Why they don’t open the windows is beyond me.  It doesn’t help that I’m coming down from the biggest excitement of the day.  Now I’m suffering the after effects of sweaty palms and a fluttery heart and still images in my mind of Heather.  Then again, it was all worth it.

“Did you just hear what I said?”  he says again.

“Yeah, you and your dad were arguing last night, and, is this what you had to tell me?”

“Yeah, I did it…finally.”

“Did what finally?”

“I took his gun,” he says under his breath.  “That fucker was looking all over for it and couldn’t find it.  Cause I hid it from him.”

“Chase!”  I say in shock.  “Are you crazy?”

“No, it’s cool.  I’m not gonna use it or anything.  Well maybe in the woods.  You know, just for fun.”

“Where is it now?”

“In the shed behind the garage, why?”  Chase fidgets in his seat like something bit him in the ass.  I’m assuming he’s all wired from the rush of taking his father’s gun.

“I don’t know, just wondering. What did he do when he found out it was gone?”

“He beat the shit out of me, what do you think?”

Chase has been talking about taking his father’s gun for as long as I can remember.  I just figured it was all talk.  Never thought he’d go through with it.  

Chase stands up real quick to show me his war wounds around his rib cage.  It’s all black and blue and scraped up and looks like some infected virus.

“God, man.  What the hell did he do to you?”

“Oh, the usual.  You know, dragged me down the stairs.  Kicked me around a bit.  Then gave up.”  Chase smiles another wide grin.  “I’m just glad he never hits me in the face.  
He says my mouth cost him too much to fuck up.”

The final bell rings and class begins, but I’m not ready to start.  Today was the day I was going to talk to Heather.  Try to get some leeway as to how to get close to her.  It wasn’t the right time.  Besides, my thoughts are being eaten apart by this Chase problem now.  Usually I’m used to him telling me crap about his father.  Most of the time, we joke about getting revenge—like all the things we could do to end the problem.  But Jesus Christ, now that he actually stole it from him, this is a real problem.  I’m not sure I trust Chase with this.  

**
It’s 12:30 and all the classes have just let out.  Today was a half a day—our last day of school.  It’s hard to believe we’ll be graduating tomorrow.

As I sit in my car and wait for Chase, I think of all the dangerous things that could happen having his father’s gun.  For all you know, someone could get killed or seriously injured.  And it seems the longer I wait, the more anxious I get about trying to clear this up with him.  Why he takes so long is a mystery to me.  I also toss around the idea of telling Chase I’ve decided to go to ISU in the fall.  I can never find the right time for that either.
Keeping an eye on the west side of the school, I hope to see Heather one last time before I leave.  As I fumble with my phone, I check to see how long I’ve been waiting—17 minutes.  The crowds are less and less now as the students all filter into the neighborhood.  My hope of seeing Heather starts to diminish.  I look down at my phone again—12:52.  _Come on Chase, what the hell._
Just as I flip through the radio stations, from the corner of my eye golden blonde flashes.  My heart starts to speed up to the beats of the music.  I get warmer than usual.  I play a game in my head:  If I wait 3 seconds, it will be Heather.  I look up after counting and just see a small group of guys milling around by the school doors.  But my heart continues to flutter because it’s not just any group of guys.  It’s Aaron and his friends.  So I play the game again, hoping Heather will eventually appear.
I bow my head down and start counting, 1, 2, 3 and look up.  Instantly I feel the shock inside my chest as if a doctor was pumping me back to life.  Heather comes peering out from behind Ted—Aaron’s best friend.  He was blocking my view from before.  
I watch her lips move as she talks to Aaron.  Some giggling and “yeah” something, something and “yeah” again.  She took her hair down.  It’s gotten curlier from the humid air.  The curls around her face flap in the wind like little cork screws.  And as the wind blows, the breeze tightens her clothes, molding to her shapely body.  
Aaron’s hovering over her, laughing in her ear as they walk.  Once they get to the corner, they part ways.
A million different ice breakers pop in my head, “Hey, I see that you’re walking, need a ride?”  Then, “Hey, aren’t you in my Homeroom?”  And then lastly and the most lame one of all, “Hey, aren’t you Heather Larson?”  Like I wouldn’t know that.  The whole school knows that.  Why I thought of it, I don’t know.  But for some reason that’s always one of the them that sticks in my head.
I watch her walk down the block, that beautiful hair flapping in the wind.  The further she gets, the more my heart starts to slow down.  Naturally the feeling is starting to fade.  I’m losing the chance to talk to her right before my very own eyes.
I check my phone again—1:17.  I decide to text Chase. _ Where are you?  _Right away I get a reply:  _Hold up, be right there.  _Shortly after that I see him walk out of the side entrance.  He darts through the football field to the parking lot, heading straight to my car.  Once he opens the door and slides in, he double checks his bookbag.
“Got everything?”  I ask, starting up the engine.
“Yeah, just making sure.  Hada clean out my locker before I left.”
“So was that why it took you so damn long?”
“Well that and I needed to see Mr. Rayfield.”
“I thought you were done with all that.”
“He wanted to see me one last time.  Told me if I needed some counseling over the summer, to give him a call.”
_Good_, I want to say but hold back.  Having the school counselor’s number is a good thing.  I just don’t want to promote the idea that he needs it.
I put the car into reverse and pull out of the parking lot and onto the street.  My mind starts giving me these flashing images of the shed again.  I envision his dad finding the gun, holding it straight out into the air and waiting for Chase to come home.  I want to tell Chase to put the gun back in his dad’s glass case, where he always keeps it.  Back where it’s supposed to be.  But I don’t want to make a big deal out of it either.  I don’t want to set him off.  I keep waiting for him to bring it up, but he never does.
“So you coming out tonight?  After work later?” Chase asks me.
“Not sure.  I don’t know how long my shift’s going to be. I switched with that Anna chick, member?”  I turn down a few streets and then to the corner of Chase’s block.
“Oh, that’s right Anna.  Dude man, why don’t you hook up with her instead?  She’s hot.  Got big boobs and she’s easy too,” he says with his Crest-white mouth.  “Or so they say.”
“Man, you don’t even know her.”  I turn into the driveway and stop the car.
“Ooh, what’s this, you defending this slut now?”  he laughs.
“No, I’m just sayin’ you shouldn’t say things about people you don’t know.”
“Sure sounds to me like you’re defending her.  Come on Luke, tell me you bagged her in back of the theater.  Behind the popcorn stand?  In the guy’s bathroom?  Admit the truth, Luke…you banged her, didn’t you?”
“Quit it man.  She’s not like that, I told you.  She’s actually pretty nice.  I mean, once you get to know her.”
“Ya see, that’s what I’m talking about.  Get to know her more.  Screw that Heather whore.”
“Will you get out of the car already?”  I start to get a pissed off, ready to push him to the curb.  It unnerves me to the bone Chase says that.  I hold my anger in but could beat the shit out of him if I wanted to.  I’m sick of having to prove to Chase and the guys that Heather’s not a whore.  To them, every girl is.  
“Fine, man.  I call it like I see it.”
“You done?”
“Whatever…” Chase pauses, hanging on the door.  “Just come out with us later, okay?”
“Fine, just don’t do anything stupid, “ I yell back as he finally gets out of the car.
Chase nods his head and walks up the driveway, turning back with his arms open and yells out, “The fucker ain’t home yet, time to party!”  He then points his right index finger straight up into the sky, shooting it off like a gun.  A dreadful reminder that he has his dad’s gun.
I pull out of the driveway and head back to the main street, stopping at the stop sign.  I linger there for a few seconds thinking I can either turn left and go down a few blocks to Heather’s house or turn right and just go straight home.  And just as my mind wanders to touching that silky hair blowing in the breeze, a car from behind me honks, making me automatically turning right.  I guess that’s better in a way.  Wouldn’t want to get caught staring outside her window and tagged as the creepy stalker guy before I can even get a chance.
I head home, driving my mind crazy of all the things swimming in my head.  But what bothers me most right now is that I have to babysit Chase until I can find a way to get that gun back to where it belongs.  Already I’m thinking of how to convince him to put it back.  Maybe tonight after work, when all the guys hang out.  See what they think.  If I can’t persuade him, maybe Derek and Hunter will.


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## thecostumedanceparty (Oct 7, 2012)

I like it a lot.  You may just want to work on the flow, but other than that it has a pretty good plot so far.  You change ideas real fast and I'm nt sure whether the main plot is about Heather or Chase, but I'll assume we'll figure out as you write more.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 21, 2012)

Hi Imc,
2,200 words. A remarkable amount of them dedicated to Heather and how Luke feels about her. Yet we never get to know her. We get to know Chase. 

You could do with a few more breaks in the second half. From sitting in the car onwards it is just a wall of words. 

There are some great lines here: 



> I walk as slow as possible.  My heart races ahead of me as I go.





> I head home, driving my mind crazy of all the things swimming in my head.



 This is a bit too much for me to spend time spotting nits, but...



> Just as I flip through the radio stations, from the corner of my eye golden blonde flashes


As I flip through the radio stations, a flash of golden blonde catches at the corner of my eye.

Nice stuff. I would read on.
Bazz


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## empresstheresa (Oct 27, 2012)

I agree with bazz.  We need to learn more about Heather.

Luke seems torn between two interests: Chase and his gun, and Heather.
Chase is easy enough to understand.  Frequently beaten up by his father, he hates his father.
What makes Heather tick?  Is she a nice girl, or a slut as Chase says?  Some flashbacks about Heather would be helpful. 

You might want to read An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser.  It was made into a movie.
Montgomery Clift gets involved with Shelley Winters who is not a particularly interesting girl.  Then he meets Elizabeth Taylor who is a very interesting girl indeed.  Winters goes on a rowboat exursion on the lake with Clift, and Winters accidently falls out of the boat and drowns.  Clift is arrested, convicted of murder and goes to the electric chair. 


Will Luke ruin his life by getting mixed up with Chase, or will he do the smart thing, abandon Chase and live happily ever after with Heather? :tears_of_joy:


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## Ever2222 (Jan 29, 2013)

It's seems like it could be a page-turner-- I liked it. However, most of your sentences are sentence fragments, so work on merging them together, without making the sentence run on for too long.


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## nicolam2711 (Feb 8, 2013)

I enjoyed this. Would definitely read on to find out what happens with Chase and the gun. Although we don't yet see much about Heather I imagine next there would be some interaction with the main character and Heather to help us learn more and show why he likes her.


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## levi (Mar 9, 2013)

I'm really liking this. The words follow each other like water - aka, your flow is great. And the entire atmosphere is casual and believable and _teenager _- I can see all of this playing out as I read. First person present tense is rare enough, and lots of people can't do it well, but you're a natural. And writing about teens, too? That's a hard one to pull off, even if you're a teen yourself, and you nailed it. This wasn't hard for me to read at _all. _I definitely want to see more. Keep it up!


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## summergenevieve (Jun 9, 2013)

This is definatly the sort of book I'd read. You get hooked on the main character's infatuation with Heather but then the Sub Plot about Chase really sets the foundations for a great storyline. I'd love to here more!


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## Glyph (Jul 1, 2013)

I really like this too. I feel like I should agree that we don't hear much about Heather, but I suppose writing mostly about Luke's obsession tells us more about him. Reading this part, I feel like the story is leaning towards the plot being about Chase, not Heather (or Chase killing Heather with his dad's gun), but I kind of like that. It's weird and not "literary", but I really do enjoy how you've managed to write so much about Heather, but we still don't know her, I thought it was clever. I want to know more! 

P.S. I like your structure too. For me, fragmented sentences sound more natural and realistic in a characters quotes, but that's just me. 
Good luck! I really like it!


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## Stephanie1980 (Aug 8, 2013)

Hello,

I would use _first person narrative _in the past tense instead of the present. 

For example you wrote:

I walk as slow as possible.
I walked as slow as possible. 

My heart races ahead of me as I go.
My heart raced ahead of me as I went. 
 
I find stories read better in past tense. Otherwise, the --- in the moment feel --- sounds awkward at times. Just food for thought. Overall, beautifully written you have style, kudos. I enjoyed the dialogue in this piece. 

Cheers,
Steph :icon_cherry:


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## D.Hawkins (Aug 20, 2013)

Enjoyed this little tid-bit!


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## Jeko (Aug 20, 2013)

Can't believe I've missed this for almost a year.

You have an effective tone, only marred at points by particular choices in the prose. The '3,2,1' doesn't work for me, partly because it's numbers and partly because it feel like an interruption to the flow.

The dialogue was very well done. As for the narrative, I felt like it would benefit from fragments in certain places - but that's only because I love using them in the present tense (the Grammar Nazis would have my head). But if they don't feel like they fit in with your style, don't use them. The choice of present tense is perfect for this and I think you have a good hold of it.

There were times where you used 'you' which drew away from the focus of the piece. _'For all you know, someone could get killed or seriously injured' _is an example of this.

I thought some of the cursing was well chosen, while at other times it felt unnatural*. 

Overall it is a good piece. Some tidying up would help the flow a lot, especially in the early stages of the story.

Thanks for the read. 

*The film Kick-Ass is a good display of a lot of natural sounding f-words, and is currently my benchmark and reference point for how I include swearing in my work. It includes over a hundred of the blighters, and there aren't many that feel 'off'. The film's sequel, on the other hand, is a perfect example of how to include the f-word as badly as possible, and is only worth a watch to see how to masterfully fail at having your characters curse.


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## LostInIllusions (Aug 23, 2013)

Other than the sentence fragments, it was wonderful.


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## ejrosetta (Aug 28, 2013)

Hi, I enjoyed this. I love reading about infatiation and unrequited love, and it's a great topic to start with in YA fiction. I think you need to round out your Chase character more though, give the reader a reason to actually care that he gets the love of Heather. Your flow is a little Jagged, but maybe that's because Chase himself is jagged also. Thanks for posting. I look forward to following your work.


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## theatregeeksu (Oct 31, 2013)

I enjoyed this as well. Great grasp of a love story, although many of your references to time got a bit awkward and confusing. Just take a second look at those. Great start!


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