# depression is a battle



## cassie30 (Oct 29, 2014)

I was diagnosed with depression at eighteen. However, I believe it began a lot sooner. I can’t say exactly when though. When, I was let’s say six years old I experienced death for the first time. And I think that situation may have traumatized me without my realizing at the time. That death happened while I was visiting my grandparents in their home and I shared room with and elderly relative whom I’ll call Christopher. He was my Grandpa’s brother and he died in his sleep.

            I battle daily with my depression and there are days I don’t want to get out of bed. Even though I was diagnosed with depression at eighteen and began treatment then too, I didn’t truly acknowledge it till July 2001. In 2001 I started a new job and about seven months into it life took a downward spiral for me. I guess all the pressure of quitting one, starting a new one, a break up and who knows what else was happening in my life took its toll on me. My depression just came out full swing.

Knowing I needed help I tried to make light of the situation by making a joke in saying I needed a psychiatrist. The customer I was taking care of at the time didn’t it was funny and he complained to the manager in charge at the time. Then the next time I worked the manager called me into the office.

            “Are you okay, April?” he asked

“No, not really.  I’ve been feeling really down lately.”

“Okay. How can I help you?” 

“Well I need to talk to someone professionally; someone like a psychiatrist or therapist.”

“If I help you find someone to help you will you go?”

“Yes I will.  Thank you.”

            Next thing I knew I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist in downtown New Brunswick, NJ. Something about the area seemed familiar to me as if I been there before but years before. When I was fourteen I was almost kidnapped and I was taken to this guy’s house to wait for his friend who spoke English to come home. I never felt so scared in my life till the day I was almost kidnapped. Well on my first day of therapy I felt that scared again. There was all this paper work I had to fill out. 

I had this eerie feeling when I walked into the building and I can’t say why. But to get there since I don’t drive I had to take a cab. The cab fare was cheap since it’s in New Brunswick.  Once I got into the office with therapist I was very resistant because I confident I was psychic and psychically connected to a famous boy band. Especially my favorite band member who is only a year younger than me.

I was in love with his bad boy image and at one point I thought we were having out of body sex.  I was adamant that when I went to concert of this famous boy band the man of my dreams would notice my “Will you marry me?” poster and whisk me away.  Even though that didn’t happen I still felt psychically connected to him and his fellow members. So, connected I even wrote a poem about them. But over time I began to get more dejected I wasn’t meeting Mr. famous boy bander. 

            I continued to live this way for some time. Even though I was in therapy I wasn’t progressing much. My major turn around however, came after that fateful concert. It was then I began to realize I was living in fantasy world. Seeing the famous boy band in corner of my room like they were there was just that a dream.

            But along with fantasy I was suicidal. The two together are deadly combination because if you lose the fantasy all you have left is death. All you start to crave is death as is if there is nothing left to life but death. And I think the reason I felt that way (and still do at times) is because I had nothing left to live for. My first job was so stressful that I would come home angry and crying. I’m no expert but some say that’s a sign of depression.

            I got the help I needed at my second job. There was this time when I pulled out a steak knife and threatened to use on my left wrist. I was screaming and crying. My mom and brother were getting upset.  There was a lot of screaming and crying going on. On that day I felt like I had no reason to live.

            There are times when I feel like I’m on a roller coaster with my depression. But lately things seem to have taken a turn for the worse since I had to put down my cat of 13 years and I’ll call Sandy. It was the saddest day of my life to put Sandy down in September 2012. Even though I have new cat in my life nothing can replace her (Sandy) in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like crying for no apparent reason and sometimes I do just break down and cry. I even feel like crying right now. I am no longer suicidal but I have other worries instead.

            I may not be suicidal but recently I’ve been crying a lot as matter of fact as I am typing this I started crying a little. I cried two days in this October 2014.  I do better on most days ever since I found Jehovah God. Psalms 83:18 tells you God’s name. 

            Almost two weeks ago I turned 38 and I’ve been even more down. I started seeing a new psychiatrist recently. Over the years I’ve changed therapist and psychiatrist several times. Sometimes they’ve dropped me and sometimes I’ve dropped them.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Oct 29, 2014)

Hi Cassie

       I can't say I have gone through the turmoil you obviously have, but I have issues with depression too. I'm not the only one on the forum that can say that either. I guess what I'm trying to say is you're definitely not alone out there. :smile2:


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## Mistique (Oct 29, 2014)

Clearly my story is different than yours, but I have had several depressive episodes (with suicidal thoughts) - one fairly recent - so Mustard is right, you are definately not alone in this. That doesn't however make it easier. I am sorry you have to go through this.


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## dither (Oct 30, 2014)

Life eh?


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## escorial (Nov 1, 2014)

interesting read man..stay safe dude


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## CyberWar (Nov 4, 2014)

I think the best cure against depression is manning up, stopping to feel sorry about yourself, and starting doing things in spite of your own initial reluctance. Whenever you feel depressed, force yourself to do something useful, if only to distract yourself. Work-outs tend to help a lot, for example. Make yourself new routines, preferably ones that involve physical activity, socialize and talk about what troubles you with friends since a "shared burden is only half a burden". As these things will become habitual to you, you will see how your depression will recede. The hardest part will be to get started, when you might find making excuses to yourself why it can't be done. When that happens, strive to think the opposite way and rather think of ways how it can be done. And most importantly, once you come up with an idea, don't hesitate or postpone it, just do it - even a bad action against an enemy is better than inaction.

This is coming from somebody who's been there and done that. In my experience, depression is something only you yourself can fix, shrinks and all that being a waste of money.

In other words, treat your depression like you would treat any enemy - get to know it's weaknesses, learn your own strengths and use them to defeat it. _Put a rock o'er your sorrows, trample them and sing a song_, as a folk song from over here aptly puts it.


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## ChrisChandler00 (Nov 7, 2014)

I can understand where CyberWar is coming from with the above response, but the majority of the time, is it really that easy to just 'man up'? Is it that easy to just 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'? Everything after that, I agree with completely, but it's the getting there.

 I have struggled quite severely (not compared to others, but within my own personal experiences) in the past, struggling to shake thoughts or a crushing feeling of despair. The only thing that works for me is to talk about what is going through my head. I'm lucky in that I have someone, but a lot of others aren't so lucky. 

I think regardless of the issue or what anyone is going through, the first step is always to talk to someone. Tell someone. Being alone with your thoughts makes it so much harder to deal with, because it gives you that 'I'm alone' frame-of-mind. The idea that no one will understand can be crippling. But it's surprising just how many people do suffer. 

Is a support group an option? Perhaps talking with others who are struggling, sharing may help to lighten the load.





Foot note: I'm more than my fair share of cynical, but if you have to pay someone to listen, are they really listening?


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

I agree with Chandler on the "manning up", if that were possible, no-one would suffer with depression.
I'm not even sure that that is where i'm at, i just keep my head down, try to avoid trouble, and survive each day as it comes.


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2014)

My family suffers from a wide range of different types of depression--from manic to mild.The shrinks have told us never say the following--You have so much going for you--what do you have to be depressed about--if you look around, you can always find someone worse off than you--get over it. ...Depression does not respond to logic. It is isolating and debilitating. My 57 year old brother is bipolar and we struggle to keep him alive, he has everything to live for[not supposed to say that to him, as it only adds to his feeling that he is alone and not understood]. I am so sorry for all you are going through, It helps to have a support group, good friends and family. My brother has found comfort in going to church and our Minister is a wonderful comfort. He is on some really wonderful medication--but unfortunately he will refuse to take it from time to time.  Stay strong--you are not alone.   Peace...Jul


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

Y'know?
It riles me so much when some-one commits suicide and people say "he had everything going for him, great life, great prospects etc."
Oh dear,
i was going to go off on one about how fortunate i am,  how grateful i should be, and why the hell can't i see that?


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2014)

dither--the illness won't let you see the good in your life--that is the lie the disease tells you...when well meaning loved ones tell you the positive things--that only adds to the person's distress, [if I have all this wonderful things--why the Hell do I want to die?]. The brain is a powerful thing and can be turned against it's ownself...Peace...Jul


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

Firemajik,
it's a tough one to figure, i stopped trying a long time ago, but hey! I got food and a roof, and every night is another day done.


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

Cassie,
good luck.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Nov 7, 2014)

I think what CyberWar may be missing is that everyone has a different experience and thus everyone has a way of dealing with it. Maybe you don't have a circle of friends you can talk to, maybe it's hard for you to just go out there so to speak. For me, it's good to find friendships here, virtual as they may be.

This is not a knock on CyberWar, I sense that his intentions are well-meaning. It's just, like as Dither and Fire have said, getting out there isn't necessarily as easy at it sounds. Cassie, if you're reading this, and if you can't talk to people in person, know that you can talk to us  :smile2:


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## Firemajic (Nov 7, 2014)

CyberWar--I was not knocking you opinion either, you made some valid points.:biggrin:
mrmustard615--you are a lovely person, and kind..and witty and kind...[lol].
Cassie-mrmustard is right, you have friends here.    Peace...Jul


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

I think that if CW has " been there, and done that", he/she is to be congratulated. Seriously.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Nov 7, 2014)

dither said:


> I think that if CW has " been there, and done that", he/she is to be congratulated. Seriously.





I have no doubt he has. Like I said before, everyone has a different way of dealing with their depression.


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## dither (Nov 7, 2014)

mrmustard615 said:


> I think what CyberWar may be missing is that everyone has a different experience and thus everyone has a way of dealing with it. Maybe you don't have a circle of friends you can talk to, maybe it's hard for you to just go out there so to speak. For me, it's good to find friendships here, virtual as they may be.
> 
> This is not a knock on CyberWar, I sense that his intentions are well-meaning. It's just, like as Dither and Fire have said, getting out there isn't necessarily as easy at it sounds. Cassie, if you're reading this, and if you can't talk to people in person, know that you can talk to us  :smile2:








dither said:


> I think it's not so much a need to talk to somebody ( as in chat/discuss ) as just to be able to unload / let go, y'know?
> Maybe this ISN'T the place, and then maybe it IS.
> If one was intending to write about it well then it makes sense to discuss and research like any other.
> 
> Just dithering.


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## dither (Nov 8, 2014)

I really have had to put a wall up inside my head.
Not for the first time, i read a thread, LIKE this one, went for a lie down, thought about the views and comments expressed, and it all came pouring out of me, oh dear, head in hand.
Funny how certain subjects trigger such powerful thoughts and reactions.
I'm okay now though.


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## Gargh (Nov 8, 2014)

Hi Cassie! It's been a while since I've read anything of yours but, from what I recall, this reads much more clearly. The depression might feel like an ongoing battle, but your writing is progressing. Depression is a really difficult subject to write about without either over-dramatising it as a sufferer, or being patronising looking from the outside in. You've managed to write really cleanly, without too much emotional weighting, but with curiosity: What is this thing? Where did it come from? How does it affect me?  

Some small nits:



> When, I was let’s say six years old I experienced death for the first time.


 Try 'around' instead of 'let's say'. The latter sounds less authentic, like you're plucking an age out of the air. The former suggests you only recall the approximate age, but it is a clear memory. 



> whom I’ll call Christopher.


 You don't really need to identify him by any name, unless you're carrying on including him in the narrative.




> The customer I was taking care of at the time didn’t *think *it was funny and he complained to the manager in charge at the time.


 Missing word. There are a few slipped through. 



> Something about the area seemed familiar to me as if I *had* been there before*,* but years before.


 This one too.



> But to get there*,* since I don’t drive*,* I had to take a cab.


 Use commas to pause, and deliver the additional information.




> So, connected*,* I even wrote a poem about them. But over time I began to get more dejected*;* I wasn’t meeting Mr. famous boy bander.


 Punctuation.



> My first job was so stressful that I would come home angry and crying. I’m no expert but some say that’s a sign of depression.


 On a personal note: Some might, but I would say that's a sign of a sucky job. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of always thinking it's you and your depression. Sometimes things/people just suck.



> I may not be suicidal but recently I’ve been crying a lot as matter of fact as I am typing this I started crying a little.


 Again on a personal note: If you need to cry, cry. It can be therapeutic and it will stop. 



> Almost two weeks ago I turned 38 and I’ve been even more down. I started seeing a new psychiatrist recently. Over the years I’ve changed therapist and psychiatrist several times. Sometimes they’ve dropped me and sometimes I’ve dropped them.


 This ends quite abruptly. Given the title, and this final observance, I'd be tempted to wrap it up with some reflection about how whatever happens you keep on battling. 


Keep writing, keep on! (That includes you, dither!).


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## dither (Nov 9, 2014)

Gargh,

I just noticed the bottom line of your comment.

There are certain subjects, like depression, that seem to touch a nerve with people, and suddenly there's an open discussion going on and  every-one seems to forget the whole point of the thread.
 Writing has been submitted, for reading /to be kicked around/critiqued , with a view to, hopefully, assist and encourage a writer's technique, if technique is indeed in need of improvement, and suddenly we are all discussing the subject.I seem to vaguely remember a member of staff calling "of topic" one time, and i'm unsure how to proceed.
All these responses, and only one critique.
I DO have a serious take on suicides, ( no i'm not thinking of topping myself anytime soon ) and i would like to offer a view that to my mind is over-looked.
That time i mentioned, when it all came pouring out of my semi-conscious mind, well, that was then.
Is it,was it relevant? Did it, does it, belong here?
Maybe there should be a place for certain perspectives on whatever subject that arouses people's minds.
I don't know.

Gargh,
i thank you.


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## Gargh (Nov 9, 2014)

It's hard _not _to get involved with the subject matter when it's something as important as mental health, particularly when a person has experience of it and/or is sympathetic to it, and also when you know it's non-fiction. I think it's a credit to Cassie's writing that we can all empathise. 

I hope you know I meant the inclusion of you in that last line kindly, in support of you keeping on with your battles also, rather than an admonishment for being 'off topic'... it hadn't even occurred to me to do that!


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## Smith (Nov 9, 2014)

Sometimes I get criticized because my depression is self-diagnosed. But in almost all cases, the one person who truly knows how we feel is ourselves.

Fortunately, to be honest with myself - and in general - my depression is not as bad as yours. Of course, that goes back to the whole "somebody always has it worse" thing which somebody mentioned above. The problem with that is it is dismissive, even when said with the best of intentions. While I don't think what Cyber War said is a cure necessarily, it does have merit, for I do much the same thing. I just try to surround myself with positive influences like my friends (real life or internet).

Motivation is a big thing. Try to find a way to motivate yourself. Even if you don't feel like it, do the things you know you enjoy doing anyway. Depression tries to take that away from you. So look for a way to fight back. I cannot say that will beat it, but it won't beat you, and that's the important part. Just do what you have to do. Find what works for you and never give up. Know that you are doing a service by writing about it, both for yourself and for others.

Best of luck. If you need somebody to talk to, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. <3

-Smith


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## Firemajic (Nov 9, 2014)

Gargh said:


> It's hard _not _to get involved with the subject matter when it's something as important as mental health, particularly when a person has experience of it and/or is sympathetic to it, and also when you know it's non-fiction. I think it's a credit to Cassie's writing that we can all empathise.
> 
> I hope you know I meant the inclusion of you in that last line kindly, in support of you keeping on with your battles also, rather than an admonishment for being 'off topic'... it hadn't even occurred to me to do that!





Good point Gargh. You are right. Cassie, I thought you covered the subject matter quite well, You made it personal without being over dramatic and made it easy for the reader to connect with your struggle. I think writing about things can be a wonderful outlet. You are a writer--and you wrote! Hopefully, someone going through the same struggle will read this and see your courage...peace...Jul


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## Plasticweld (Nov 9, 2014)

Not to derail the thread.  Anytime someone posts something in the Non-fiction section and is speaking in a current voice and it sounds as though they need help, I would hope that the family members here at WF jump in to help.  Yes Gargh had what I thought was the perfect response to the post. To the others here had the perfect response if someone is sending out a message that they need help.  I have a tremendous of respect for the writers here, with that comes a level of expectations of stepping up to the plate if needed.  

We are real people who sometimes write about make believe worlds and make believe people. I would always hope that when a member reaches out there are lots of family to reach out to them.  While the rules state they we should always remain on topic and critique only the work not the theme.  I am sure a person is more important than that rule.   As a moderator I have just watched the thread and sent a PM to Cassie which is the other way to offer help. This in my opinion is one of few things that make it ok to go outside those bounds.  

Words matter, true concern matters even more...Bob


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## Deleted member 56686 (Nov 9, 2014)

It is possible that Cassie was looking for a critique similar to the one Gargh gave, but it  could be equally possible that Cassie didn't know exactly where to express her feelings and she expressed it here. Maybe it was a combination of both, only she knows for sure. Either way, I know I can't turn my back on something like this. Anyway, by now I hope Cassie knows a lot of people here are thinking of her. :smile2:


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## dither (Nov 9, 2014)

Plasticweld said:


> Not to derail the thread.  Anytime someone posts something in the Non-fiction section and is speaking in a current voice and it sounds as though they need help, I would hope that the family members here at WF jump in to help.  Yes Gargh had what I thought was the perfect response to the post. To the others here had the perfect response if someone is sending out a message that they need help.  I have a tremendous of respect for the writers here, with that comes a level of expectations of stepping up to the plate if needed.
> 
> We are real people who sometimes write about make believe worlds and make believe people. I would always hope that when a member reaches out there are lots of family to reach out to them.  While the rules state they we should always remain on topic and critique only the work not the theme.  I am sure a person is more important than that rule.   As a moderator I have just watched the thread and sent a PM to Cassie which is the other way to offer help. This in my opinion is one of few things that make it ok to go outside those bounds.
> 
> Words matter, true concern matters even more...Bob



Also, it is good to talk openly about such matters, and hopefully it will lead to a better understanding of how it really is.


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## escorial (Nov 12, 2014)

man up..bit like shooting someone in the first world war for shell shock as far as i'm concerned..depression like life is complex and each person may have a different outlook on life and how they found themselves in this position...


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## dither (Nov 12, 2014)

escorial said:


> man up..bit like shooting someone in the first world war for shell shock as far as i'm concerned..depression like life is complex and each person may have a different outlook on life and how they found themselves in this position...



ABSOLUTELY.


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## docshoog (Dec 8, 2014)

I think the expression, ' manning up '  is somewhat flippant  and disrespectful in respect of anyone suffering from depression.


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## Apex (Dec 11, 2014)

Mental illness; Interesting subject. The question is,  “Who is ill?  I believe all will agree, this world is dangerous, and flowing over with deeds that are detestable.  Are those the world stamps as sick truly sick? How often have you wished, “If I could, I’d live on the moon alone I would.” 

This is my take:
If one is not effected by events on this earth, be they on the other side of the world, or at our own door step, and live what the world calls a normal happy life…not effected by the hurt of others, these ones are truly lacking in compassion, love, and any degree of sanity. These are the true sick ones. World events in our face will turn a good persons soul upside down, and the world calls these good people crazy.  Have you taken note: “Most writers are good people…and bad things bother good people.” The bad people have even created other bad people they call experts, to tell good people who are bothered by what bad people do to them, as a sick.

Hemingway was in the Italian army during WW1. He saw friends die. He saw the horror of what men do to men. It effected him. He was 19 years old. He met a nurse and fell in love. She was older, and enjoyed being with a younger person. When she had filled her need for a fling, she left him for a man more her age. This pilled on the horror of war sent Hemingway over the edge. He deserted the Italian army, and went to Paris. A few years later he wrote about his war experiences. Not able to go back into the past, he changed his history it in his writing. His love did not leave him for an older man, she was with child, and died in his arms. He did not desert the Italian army…he went to be with his love. The story? “_A Farewell to Arms.” 
_Hemingway was a very good person, and like all good people, what he saw hurt him deeply.


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## cassie30 (Dec 11, 2014)

I was trying to get a critique on my piece so I can make it better and maybe publish it.


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## Apex (Dec 11, 2014)

cassie30 said:


> I was trying to get a critique on my piece so I can make it better and maybe publish it.



You have a good story Cassie…in my opinion it is not ready to submit for publication. You gave it all away. The mystery has been taken away from the reader.

*Real life: *A first meeting with a new person:  You learn the persons name. A handshake may give a clue about them. You might even make a mental note about the persons teeth. All in all you don’t learn much during the first meeting. After many meeting, mostly with others around, your picture of this new person begins to unfold…yet, there is something about him? Maybe it’s just a feeling left over from this other guy you used to know.

*A character in a story: *The story should unfold as it does in real life. If you tell it all in the first page, what is left to read?

*Don’t tell me everything darling. Give me mystery…hook me and lead me on.

(Don't say maybe publish it...you are a writer, publish it.)*


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