# Writing Emotions Without Naming Them (1 Viewer)



## Taylor (Jul 5, 2020)

I see that many of you do this very well already.  After many years of technical writing, I am trying to improve my skills at writing emotions effectively.  I know there is an Emotion Thesaurus, but I have avoided using it so far.  Somehow that seems like cheating.   

You can’t go too wrong with using body parts:  He rolled his eyes;  her palms were sweating; he tugged at his ear; she bit her lip; he bowed his head; her stomach dropped; she raised an eyebrow; her face got hot.

And you can also augment with actions: He wiped his palms on his jeans; her body shook violently and her knees gave way; The pit in her stomach overrode any good feelings she had.

I also have discovered that flashbacks work really well: She remembered how she felt the last time she disappointed him.

I was thinking of a way to describe envy:  Susan wore a huge smile when she showed her the blue ribbon with the word “First” in gold.  Janice tried not to think about her own unkempt garden.  This was Susan’s day.  Why did she feel this way?

Until I started writing fiction, I never really thought about whether or not a writer did this well, but I guess if they did, it likely kept me reading.

Does it matter to you if the emotions are described well? 

Do you have any good examples, tips or tricks?


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## SueC (Jul 5, 2020)

Taylor said:


> I see that many of you do this very well already.  After many years of technical writing, I am trying to improve my skills at writing emotions effectively.  I know there is an Emotion Thesaurus, but I have avoided using it so far.  Somehow that seems like cheating.
> 
> You can’t go too wrong with using body parts:  He rolled his eyes;  her palms were sweating; he tugged at his ear; she bit her lip; he bowed his head; her stomach dropped; she raised an eyebrow; her face got hot.
> 
> ...



I think the examples you give are pretty good. Remember the old rule - show, don't tell - and I think that applies here. I know these are just short sample, but I always have to have a back story in order for the emotions to come across as genuine. For example, knowing that Janice worked twice as hard on her garden, it would be hard for her to be sincere in a happy reaction for Susan't first place ribbon. Or maybe you could enhance your thought process - "Why did she feel this way, when Susan was always so kind to her?" Otherwise, the only suggestion I have is for you to try and feel the emotion yourself, as you are writing. 

Not too long ago, I was writing this story about a woman who found a dead body in the apartment of a friend. At first she thought it was her friend's body on the bed and she was surprised, but just went ahead and called the authorities. I was so intent on getting the setting just right, that I forgot to give her an emotional reaction. I had a friend read the part, and he said, "Don't you think she would feel something before she picked up the phone to call the police?" I couldn't believe I had completely ignored how that would feel, to find a body like that! So when I went back, I had to put myself in her shoes and it took a while, but I think i came up with just the right reaction. Sometimes you just have to go in there, into that story and then the emotions will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Hope this helped.


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## Phil Istine (Jul 6, 2020)

Verb and noun selection can assist with this.  Always look at increasing the power of a verb by changing it to another.  That might slow you down if you do it on a first draft, but certainly begin to explore that from second draft onwards - and try to ensure the verb is appropriate for a character too.
This can be the case for other types of word too, such as nouns and adjectives, as they give an insight into a character's perceptions, which can give clues to the character's emotional state.
Take the following extract which I have quoted from https://www.thoughtco.com/model-descriptive-paragraphs-1690573 (extract under fair use exemption pertaining to copyright law).  When you have read it, think how it might have been written had the writer been suffering from coulrophobia (a fear of clowns).  Maybe try rewriting it from the perception of a coulrophobic while only changing particular words rather than mentioning a feeling of fear.  This sort of  exercise can be helpful for anyone wishing to practice:

*"A Friendly Clown"*
"On one corner of my dresser sits a smiling toy clown on a  tiny unicycle―a gift I received last Christmas from a close friend. The  clown's short yellow hair, made of yarn, covers its ears but is parted  above the eyes. The blue eyes are outlined in black with thin, dark  lashes flowing from the brows. It has cherry-red cheeks, nose, and lips,  and its broad grin disappears into the wide, white ruffle around its  neck. The clown wears a fluffy, two-tone nylon costume. The left side of  the outfit is light blue, and the right side is red. The two colors  merge in a dark line that runs down the center of the small outfit.  Surrounding its ankles and disguising its long black shoes are big pink  bows. The white spokes on the wheels of the unicycle gather in the  center and expand to the black tire so that the wheel somewhat resembles  the inner half of a grapefruit. The clown and unicycle together stand  about a foot high. As a cherished gift from my good friend Tran, this  colorful figure greets me with a smile every time I enter my room."​


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## bdcharles (Jul 6, 2020)

Yep I think it's a good example. Key to it, for me, is the use of POV. If you are in someone's POV you can have those sorts of "Why can't it be me?" internal thoughts which suggest envy quite clearly without once mentioning the word.


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## Bayview (Jul 6, 2020)

Add another voice stressing the importance of POV. The closer your POV is, the easier it is to convey emotions without naming them.


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## luckyscars (Jul 6, 2020)

Taylor said:


> I see that many of you do this very well already.  After many years of technical writing, I am trying to improve my skills at writing emotions effectively.  I know there is an Emotion Thesaurus, but I have avoided using it so far.  Somehow that seems like cheating.
> 
> You can’t go too wrong with using body parts:  He rolled his eyes;  her palms were sweating; he tugged at his ear; she bit her lip; he bowed his head; her stomach dropped; she raised an eyebrow; her face got hot.
> 
> ...



I think it's generally a good way to go and I agree with the other feedback. 

The first problem, I think, is when it becomes obvious a writer is doing this on purpose; that they are really hellbent on spelling out what the emotion is to the point they over-egg the pudding and the whole thing starts to seem like overwrite. 

Like, for example: "_Susan wore a huge smile when she showed her the blue ribbon with the word “First” in gold. Janice tried not to think about her own unkempt garden. This was Susan’s day. Why did she feel this way?_" 

It's not bad or anything, it's not overwritten (yet), but I wonder if those last two sentences are necessary? Their inclusion makes the emotion far too obvious, for me, and kind of undermines the purpose of not naming the emotion, which is surely to be subtle. 

"Susan wore a huge smile when she showed her the blue ribbon with the word “First” in gold. _Seeing it, _Janice tried not to think about her own unkempt garden." 

^The context of Janice reflecting on her own UNKEMPT garden while reflecting on Susan's (presumably very much 'kept' garden) is sufficient to convey that Janice is envious of Susan without further qualification. However, it also leaves the door open to a little bit of mystery regarding her character. It means the reader has to do a little bit of imaginative work, just a little bit of thinking, and I think that makes it more engaging to read.

The second issue is falling into cliches. I have a huge pet peeve for what I call 'skippy heart syndrome'. You know, stuff like _her heart skipped a beat when she saw him standing there _or _his heart skipped a beat when he felt the knife pressed into his back. 

_Like, come on. People's hearts obviously don't skip beats (if they do, you're  in need of the hospital) and while I understand it's describing an adrenal situation rather than something that literally happens, it seems incredibly unimaginative and obnoxious if it's used more than, say, a couple of times in a story. Sweating is another thing that seems to happen far more often in books than in reality and in some really odd contexts. Ditto with 'shivering', 'shaking', 'trembling', etc. There's also way too much rolling of eyes -- how often do most people roll their eyes? How often do people raise an eyebrow?  

Obviously the answer is 'sometimes', so they are legitimate expressions...but I think it's really important if we're going to write an emotion without naming it that we try to accurately capture the exact physical symptoms rather than just wing it. If we can't do that, or can't do it well, it's better to just name the emotion IMO. I would rather just be told "Hannah felt hungry when she saw the cake" than "seeing the cake, Hannah felt her belly spurt gastric acid into the fleshy walls of her heart" or something ludicrous.


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## Taylor (Jul 10, 2020)

SueC said:


> Not too long ago, I was writing this story about a woman who found a dead body in the apartment of a friend. At first she thought it was her friend's body on the bed and she was surprised, but just went ahead and called the authorities. I was so intent on getting the setting just right, that I forgot to give her an emotional reaction. I had a friend read the part, and he said, "Don't you think she would feel something before she picked up the phone to call the police?" I couldn't believe I had completely ignored how that would feel, to find a body like that! So when I went back, I had to put myself in her shoes and it took a while, but I think i came up with just the right reaction. Sometimes you just have to go in there, into that story and then the emotions will hit you like a ton of bricks.
> 
> Hope this helped.



Sue, that is so interesting that you would mention that about the emotion of finding a dead body.  And good for you that you picked up on it.  I find it is my greatest criticism of some murder mysteries.  That people seem to go on about life normally afterwards.  And for most people, having first hand experience of a murder is rare, so authors and readers, can't go from first hand experience, but it should be something significant.  Not just people discussing various clues in the lunch room while having a bite. 

 How did you manage to experience it in your mind?


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## Taylor (Jul 10, 2020)

SueC said:


> For example, knowing that Janice worked twice as hard on her garden, it would be hard for her to be sincere in a happy reaction for Susan't first place ribbon. Or maybe you could enhance your thought process - "Why did she feel this way, when Susan was always so kind to her?" Otherwise, the only suggestion I have is for you to try and feel the emotion yourself, as you are writing.





bdcharles said:


> Yep I think it's a good example. Key to it, for me, is the use of POV. If you are in someone's POV you can have those sorts of "Why can't it be me?" internal thoughts which suggest envy quite clearly without once mentioning the word.





luckyscars said:


> Like, for example: "_Susan wore a huge smile when she showed her the blue ribbon with the word “First” in gold. Janice tried not to think about her own unkempt garden. This was Susan’s day. Why did she feel this way?_"
> 
> It's not bad or anything, it's not overwritten (yet), but I wonder if those last two sentences are necessary? Their inclusion makes the emotion far too obvious, for me, and kind of undermines the purpose of not naming the emotion, which is surely to be subtle.
> 
> ...



Thank you all, for your great insights!

Ok, so this is interesting, because I see from your responses that the emotions of Janice are not clear.  And I agree with all of you, that there is still some uncertainty as to why she feels this way.  As you mention *Lucky* and *Sue*, there is still some mystery that could be part of the plot or the back story. *Bdcharles*, she may not have wanted to win the first prize herself.   

For example, I recently read an article on narcissists.  It said one of their traits, is that they have a hard time getting close to people in friendships because they are either trying to make others envy them or envying others themselves.  I thought it was an interesting observation and a trait that I think many people possess, not just narcissists.  

In this case, I could portray that Janice wasn't envious, because she wanted the ribbon, clearly she was not into gardening with her unkempt garden.  But she was frustrated because she couldn't just be happy for Susan, her friend.  Then, I wondered if Jealousy would have been more of what Janice was feeling.  So if you were to develop a character who was trying to fight this feeling in herself.  I guess the feeling would be the antithesis of Schadenfreude:

_"Schadenfreude - T__he experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles of others."_
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude

If this is the case then Janice would be a complex character.  Perhaps it is something she struggles with throughout the book, but eventually comes to terms with it and learns how to overcome it so she can have a real friendship with Sue.

I just love writing about complex characters and human frailty.  Do you think people like to read about it in fiction?


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## Taylor (Jul 10, 2020)

Phil Istine said:


> Verb and noun selection can assist with this.  Always look at increasing the power of a verb by changing it to another.  That might slow you down if you do it on a first draft, but certainly begin to explore that from second draft onwards - and try to ensure the verb is appropriate for a character too.
> This can be the case for other types of word too, such as nouns and adjectives, as they give an insight into a character's perceptions, which can give clues to the character's emotional state.
> Take the following extract which I have quoted from https://www.thoughtco.com/model-descriptive-paragraphs-1690573 (extract under fair use exemption pertaining to copyright law).  When you have read it, think how it might have been written had the writer been suffering from coulrophobia (a fear of clowns).  Maybe try rewriting it from the perception of a coulrophobic while only changing particular words rather than mentioning a feeling of fear.  This sort of  exercise can be helpful for anyone wishing to practice:
> 
> *"A Friendly Clown"*"On one corner of my dresser sits a smiling toy clown on a  tiny unicycle―a gift I received last Christmas from a close friend. The  clown's short yellow hair, made of yarn, covers its ears but is parted  above the eyes. The blue eyes are outlined in black with thin, dark  lashes flowing from the brows. It has cherry-red cheeks, nose, and lips,  and its broad grin disappears into the wide, white ruffle around its  neck. The clown wears a fluffy, two-tone nylon costume. The left side of  the outfit is light blue, and the right side is red. The two colors  merge in a dark line that runs down the center of the small outfit.  Surrounding its ankles and disguising its long black shoes are big pink  bows. The white spokes on the wheels of the unicycle gather in the  center and expand to the black tire so that the wheel somewhat resembles  the inner half of a grapefruit. The clown and unicycle together stand  about a foot high. As a cherished gift from my good friend Tran, this  colorful figure greets me with a smile every time I enter my room."​




Ok...I'll take a crack at this!

*"The Evil Clown"*"On one corner of my dresser sits a sneering toy clown on a unicycle―a gift I received last Christmas from a wayward friend. The clown's dingy yellow hair, made of yarn, covers its ears but is parted above the piercing eyes. The ice-blue eyes are outlined in black with thick, dark lashes jutting from the brows. It has scarlet-red cheeks, nose, and lips, and its sarcastic grin disappears into the wide, stiff ruffle around its neck. The clown wears a baggy, two-tone nylon costume. The left side of the outfit is shadowy grey, and the right side is burgundy. The two incompatible colors merge in a dark somber line that runs down the center of the bizarre outfit. Surrounding its ankles and disguising its long black pointed shoes are tattered pink bows. The wirey spokes on the wheels of the unicycle gather in the center and expand to the black tire so that the wheel somewhat resembles the inner half of a cobweb. The clown and unicycle together loom about a foot high over the bed. As a going away gift from a departed school-mate Tran, this evil-looking figure jeers at me with a sneer every time I dare enter my room."

What do you think?​


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## Taylor (Jul 10, 2020)

Bayview said:


> Add another voice stressing the importance of POV. The closer your POV is, the easier it is to convey emotions without naming them.



Bayview, I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Can you please elaborate on this?


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## Bayview (Jul 10, 2020)

Taylor said:


> Bayview, I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Can you please elaborate on this?



Do you have a good understanding of narrative distance in general? (I'll assume no, and write it out, but apologies if this is an unnecessary reminder):

The POV question we talk about most often is "person", meaning 1st, 3rd, or sometimes 2nd. (I, She, You). But I would argue that this is a red herring. The "person" of a POV is just a matter of pronouns. Of course we should be consistent, but other than that, it's just a matter of personal preference. What DOES really matter, in that it creates very different effects, is narrative distance. And narrative distance can slide from distant to deep.

Distant POV is, well, distant. It's sometimes called cinematic, in that it reports on events as they happen, but doesn't actually go inside character's heads. The narrator only describes what happens, with no explanations.

For example:

I killed him. I disemboweled him with my father's sword and left the stinking, steaming body in the alley where it fell. Then I cleaned my blade and bought dinner at the noodle shop on the corner.

You can get a bit closer, where you're inside the character's head but still have a distinct narrative voice:

I killed him. It was one of the most satisfying feelings I've ever had, sliding my father's sword through that bastard's entrails. I had absolutely no regret; in fact, after I cleaned my blade I celebrated with dinner at the corner noodle shop.

Or you can go much deeper, to the point where the narrative voice is essentially the same as the character's voice:

I killed him. Slid the Family Steel in just below the navel and jerked up. Nave to fucking chops, and then shiny silvery loops spilling out all over the filthy alley floor. Sayonara, asshole. Time for a noodle dinner.

(Kinda gory examples. Sorry - not sure where that came from!)

Anyway, the point is, you probably wouldn't name emotions in cinematic/distant POV because you're not inside the character's head at all, you're just describing what you see, like a camera would. When we watch a movie we don't see "Character X is angry" written out. And you'd be less likely to name emotions in deep POV because your character isn't thinking those emotions, most of the time, just feeling them. But in that middle distance POV, I think naming emotions may make sense.

I don't think any of these distances is better than the others - well, I don't much care for cinematic, but there are certainly some authors who do it well. But if you're worried about naming emotions and trying to avoid doing that, I'd suggest sliding out of the mid-range distance for your POV.

Does that make sense?


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## Taylor (Jul 10, 2020)

Bayview said:


> Do you have a good understanding of narrative distance in general? (I'll assume no, and write it out, but apologies if this is an unnecessary reminder):
> 
> The POV question we talk about most often is "person", meaning 1st, 3rd, or sometimes 2nd. (I, She, You). But I would argue that this is a red herring. The "person" of a POV is just a matter of pronouns. Of course we should be consistent, but other than that, it's just a matter of personal preference. What DOES really matter, in that it creates very different effects, is narrative distance. And narrative distance can slide from distant to deep.
> 
> ...



Yes Bayview...makes total sense!

That is a very helpful description.  So far I have been writing the words that come naturally to me.  I am less concerned about my literary prowess, than I am about telling an interesting story that keeps the pages turning.  So if it seems natural to state the emotion, as it does in your second example, i.e. _"one of the most satisfying feelings", _then I will just say it. 

Thanks for taking the time to explain.  :smug:


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## thethreetearedeye (Jul 20, 2020)

When I describe emotion without naming the emotion I tend to rely on physical aspects of the feeling (though sometimes I find a way to break away from that). 
"Her cheeks flushed red."
"The words were like a blow to the gut."
"He could feel his insides drop into his boots."
"A fire burned in the pit of their being, threatening to spill over."

It can also help to use it in how the characters convey tone. Instead of said, a writer could use words like "snapped", "groaned", "wheezed", "sputtered". You get the idea.


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## Taylor (Jul 25, 2020)

thethreetearedeye said:


> When I describe emotion without naming the emotion I tend to rely on physical aspects of the feeling (though sometimes I find a way to break away from that).
> "Her cheeks flushed red."
> "The words were like a blow to the gut."
> "He could feel his insides drop into his boots."
> ...



I have been trying to do this more and also taking the advice of the previous posts.  I finally broke down and bought the Emotion Thesaurus. However, I find that in an 80,000 word story, my characters often feel the same common emotions, like fear, anxiety, embarrassment etc.  Now, I'm worried that in my effort to be more creative and not repetitive, the words will sound forced.  

My stories are not literary in nature.  They are more about the theme, plot and actions.

Do readers notice if the words used to describe emotions are repetitive?  Is there room for some repetition?


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## bdcharles (Jul 25, 2020)

Taylor said:


> I have been trying to do this more and also taking the advice of the previous posts.  I finally broke down and bought the Emotion Thesaurus. However, I find that in an 80,000 word story, my characters often feel the same common emotions, like fear, anxiety, embarrassment etc.  Now, I'm worried that in my effort to be more creative and not repetitive, the words will sound forced.
> 
> My stories are not literary in nature.  They are more about the theme, plot and actions.
> 
> Do readers notice if the words used to describe emotions are repetitive?  Is there room for some repetition?



Use props. How would they interact with the props / external scenery items when feeling a particular emotion? Change the scene items and they will interact with stuff in different ways, thus removing the risk of repetition.

I know I notice if a writer uses the same word over and over. I just finished the Swords and Fire trilogy by Melissa Caruso and while I enjoyed it, she doesn't half love the word "quirked". Lips, eyebrows, no body part is too good to quirk. That being said repetition is absolutely a valid device, eg: the phrase "location, location, location." It has a meaning, a voice, so just see what the appropriate point to use repetition is, and go for it.


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## Turnbull (Jul 25, 2020)

Sometimes there's the whole not pointing out the emotional at all.  Letting the reader have the emotion without showing the character's is my favorite technique.

James had been waiting in the rain for at least an hour.  Five hours had passed since he'd sent her that last text, telling her that if she chose him, all she had to do was walk out that door at three in the afternoon.  James already had the rest of their evening planned out.  After making use of their dinner reservations, they would just drive away and be done with this city for the rest of their lives; one last toast before the future and freedom from the shackles of their hometown.  He knew that Amber was tired of being a cashier at a grocery store.  He too was tired of everything, and his new job in Sacramento was the perfect solution.

He glanced once more at the bouquet in the passenger seat.  Stargazer lilies were Amber's favorite.  The air conditioning was on, so they would probably be fine, but he'd forgotten that with them spending the evening out, they couldn't possibly stay fresh.  It was the same reason he'd come across the street from Amber's apartment so early.  It was nearly three o'clock now, and soon he'd have his answer.  James checked his shoulders for dandruff for the fifth time.  When he glanced up, there she was!  Out stepped Amber in her fresh summer dress, red sandals clacking across her front stoop like laughter.  Amber moved forward, closer, like a spotlight of color in a world of nothing.  

But it was not a world of nothing.  Somewhere in the shadows of James' periphery emerged a man, some shady-looking fellow in a polo and jeans.  Nothing indicated that Amber had even seen James.  She went instead to the stranger, and her hand went inside his.  James did nothing for several seconds.  Then he opened his driver door.  In the days to come he would think of many creative things to have done with that bouquet of lilies, but at the time all he did was toss them in the back seat and hit the gas.


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## Taylor (Jul 25, 2020)

bdcharles said:


> Use props. How would they interact with the props / external scenery items when feeling a particular emotion? Change the scene items and they will interact with stuff in different ways, thus removing the risk of repetition.
> 
> I know I notice if a writer uses the same word over and over. I just finished the Swords and Fire trilogy by Melissa Caruso and while I enjoyed it, she doesn't half love the word "quirked". Lips, eyebrows, no body part is too good to quirk. That being said repetition is absolutely a valid device, eg: the phrase "location, location, location." It has a meaning, a voice, so just see what the appropriate point to use repetition is, and go for it.



Oh ok.  I didn't think of that.  Do you mean like "anxiety" for example:

At work:  She looked at the clock and was reminded of her 9:00 meeting that was only in a few minutes.  She looked back to her unfinished report.   He had asked her to present the report at the meeting.

At home:  The answering machine showed 7 messages.  She glanced at the pile of bills laying on the table.  She could smell the garbage that had not been taken out for a while.  She had been too busy to deal with her personal life. 

At a date:  She could feel her cheeks flush.  The lights were low.  _That's good.  _The waitress showed up again to take the order.  It was a welcome distraction.

If not, can you please explain how you mean to use props to help explain emotions?


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## thethreetearedeye (Jul 25, 2020)

Taylor said:


> I have been trying to do this more and also taking the advice of the previous posts.  I finally broke down and bought the Emotion Thesaurus. However, I find that in an 80,000 word story, my characters often feel the same common emotions, like fear, anxiety, embarrassment etc.  Now, I'm worried that in my effort to be more creative and not repetitive, the words will sound forced.
> 
> My stories are not literary in nature.  They are more about the theme, plot and actions.
> 
> Do readers notice if the words used to describe emotions are repetitive?  Is there room for some repetition?




I do notice repetition sometimes when I read, but as long as it paints the picture I don't ever really mind it too much. I'm not an expert by any means and I'm sure more accomplished writes could give better advice, but I would maybe try using actions to accentuate how they feel. Like for anger, "their fist turned into an white knuckled ball", for fear "she gripped her chest, stifling her ragged intake of breath", etc etc etch. There is nothing wrong I would say in sprinkling in just flat out explinations of emotion, and while "said" is common I wouldn't say its a horrific writing sin. "She said angrily." "He said spitefully." Just mix it all together (though, this is just how I find it to work for me to avoid a lot of repetition and to paint the picture as accurately as possible).


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## bdcharles (Jul 25, 2020)

Taylor said:


> Oh ok.  I didn't think of that.  Do you mean like "anxiety" for example:
> 
> At work:  She looked at the clock and was reminded of her 9:00 meeting that was only in a few minutes.  She looked back to her unfinished report.   He had asked her to present the report at the meeting.
> 
> ...



 I mean exactly that  The emotion is clear without once mentioning some internal abstract noun or go-to phrase.


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## Taylor (Jul 25, 2020)

thethreetearedeye said:


> I do notice repetition sometimes when I read, but as long as it paints the picture I don't ever really mind it too much. I'm not an expert by any means and I'm sure more accomplished writes could give better advice, but I would maybe try using actions to accentuate how they feel. Like for anger, "their fist turned into an white knuckled ball", for fear "she gripped her chest, stifling her ragged intake of breath", etc etc etch. There is nothing wrong I would say in sprinkling in just flat out explinations of emotion, and while "said" is common I wouldn't say its a horrific writing sin. "She said angrily." "He said spitefully." Just mix it all together (though, this is just how I find it to work for me to avoid a lot of repetition and to paint the picture as accurately as possible).



That's good advice to use actions.  I think I need to do that more.  Even if they are cliche, I still think they work to serve the purpose.  "She bit her lip."; "He tugged on his shirt"; "He looked away." 

     I'm glad that you don't mind the repetition.  I think I'd rather risk being too repetitious than sounding like I'm overcompensating.  That, I think would bother the reader more.


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## Taylor (Jul 25, 2020)

Turnbull said:


> Sometimes there's the whole not pointing out the emotional at all.  Letting the reader have the emotion without showing the character's is my favorite technique.
> 
> James had been waiting in the rain for at least an hour.  Five hours had passed since he'd sent her that last text, telling her that if she chose him, all she had to do was walk out that door at three in the afternoon.  James already had the rest of their evening planned out.  After making use of their dinner reservations, they would just drive away and be done with this city for the rest of their lives; one last toast before the future and freedom from the shackles of their hometown.  He knew that Amber was tired of being a cashier at a grocery store.  He too was tired of everything, and his new job in Sacramento was the perfect solution.
> 
> ...



Brilliant! 

 Use of props and actions as *bdcharles* suggested as well.    It's like show instead of tell, and the emotions just jump off the page. 

 Thank you for the excellent example!!


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## JBF (Jul 25, 2020)

Turnbull has the right of it.  

If a reader can't draw out the required emotions from what is provided the author is usually deficit in establishing either setting or character.  One properly invested in the proceedings won't need the intangibles spelled out front and center; most, having acclimated to picking up the cues themselves, will have a negative reaction to a writer's out-and-out stating of said emotions.  

I'm running an ongoing experiment where the protagonist is a closed, highly-reserved type who gives away very little.  He'll observe the facts and details of any given scene with any emotion either inferred to the reader or demonstrated by secondary characters.  

Thus far the readers seem to have no trouble picking up the things left unsaid.


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## Taylor (Jul 26, 2020)

JBF said:


> Turnbull has the right of it.
> 
> If a reader can't draw out the required emotions from what is provided the author is usually deficit in establishing either setting or character.  One properly invested in the proceedings won't need the intangibles spelled out front and center; most, having acclimated to picking up the cues themselves, will have a negative reaction to a writer's out-and-out stating of said emotions.
> 
> ...



That's an interesting exercise.  How are you running your experiment?


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## JBF (Jul 26, 2020)

Taylor said:


> That's an interesting exercise.  How are you running your experiment?



Very slowly, with a great deal of procrastination and a fairly small pool of readers who are maladjusted enough to consider me a friend.  

...it's probably not a very good experiment.


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## Taylor (Jul 26, 2020)

JBF said:


> Very slowly, with a great deal of procrastination and a fairly small pool of readers who are maladjusted enough to consider me a friend.
> 
> ...it's probably not a very good experiment.



Haha...I'm sure it's just fine! I use my friends for test marketing all the time.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

JBF said:


> Turnbull has the right of it.
> 
> If a reader can't draw out the required emotions from what is provided the author is usually deficit in establishing either setting or character.  One properly invested in the proceedings won't need the intangibles spelled out front and center; most, having acclimated to picking up the cues themselves, will have a negative reaction to a writer's out-and-out stating of said emotions.
> 
> ...



Do you use the character themselves as a voice for the narrative style and voice? It's what I do, or at least strive for. How the character describes something shows how he thinks or feels about it. If he's greedy or envious or happy, a scene would look completely different to him and so he'd describe it differently. It's kind of like the Clown exercise Phil Istine posted early, only woven into the prose rather than stated explicitly.


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## JBF (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> How the character describes something shows how he thinks or feels about it. If he's greedy or envious or happy, a scene would look completely different to him and so he'd describe it differently.



Something like that. 

The character is the filter, usually with a third/limited POV.  Incidentally, I've run a couple of small exercises in the first person...completely different animal.  

I'm not sure what to make of that information.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

JBF said:


> Something like that.
> 
> I haven't seen the Clown Exercise.  Where does one find such an animal?



Two posts down from the OP


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## JBF (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> Two posts down from the OP



Found it.  Am idiot.  Disregard.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Just taking one example, how does Tommy view pedestrians and shoppers? Have I said he feels superior? Have I said he despises materialism? 



> On Tommy’s side of the street, relative quiet, the occasional local ambling by, no enquiry in their eyes; absentmindedness informed by oft trodden pathways. However, on the other side, bedlam, with patrons flitting between one shop and the next, smiles broadened after each purchase, bags fattened after each visit.


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## Foxee (Jan 27, 2021)

An interesting piece of writing theory that is still a little new to me in practice and seems like it will take a lot of practice:

*Aim to create emotion in the reader instead of concentrating on describing it in the character.*

(Not exact wording but that's the gist)

So if Jane's witnessing a horrific event and she's next, don't waste words on how she felt. Make the scene horrifying to the reader and if they're already sympathetic/rooting for/identifying with Jane they won't need to be told how horrified she is.

Still working on this one but I think it's a worth pursuit.


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## indianroads (Jan 27, 2021)

Check out the Emotional Thesaurus.


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

indianroads said:


> Check out the Emotional Thesaurus.



Yes, I finally broke down and bought it.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Taylor said:


> Yes, I finally broke down and bought it.



Charlatan!


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> Charlatan!



I haven't used it yet!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Taylor said:


> I haven't used it yet!



The first emotion you should look up is 'insecurity'! One of the choices is bound to be 'buy this book'. LOL


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> The first emotion you should look up is 'insecurity'! One of the choices is bound to be 'buy this book'. LOL



Ouch!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Taylor said:


> Ouch!



I'd buy it if I had the loose change. It's just a bit of gentle banter, man.


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> I'd buy it if I had the loose change. It's just a bit of gentle banter, man.



Ok...no worries. I'm not all that good with banter.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Taylor said:


> Ok...no worries. I'm not all that good with banter.



It was just the idea that made me chuckle.


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMightyAz said:


> It was just the idea that made me chuckle.



Posting on forums...not a perfect method of communication...lol!!


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 27, 2021)

Taylor said:


> Posting on forums...not a perfect method of communication...lol!!



It's one of my bug bears. I've talked many times on it on many forums. There's isn't that too and fro, natural breaks and interjections. None of the usual pauses for clarity or opportunities to offer alternative ways of describing what was just said to show you are listening. No nods, no shrugs, no body language. It's just post > reply > post > reply. There's no room to explore in a 3 dimensional ways. What could be a wonderful dialectic is reduced to a simple debate. But I digress! Sorry if you took it the wrong way. I'd assumed you knew me by now and would take it in the good spirit it was intended. It's on me, not you.


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## EternalGreen (Jan 27, 2021)

luckyscars said:


> I think it's generally a good way to go and I agree with the other feedback.
> 
> Like, come on. People's hearts obviously don't skip beats (if they do, you're  in need of the hospital) and while I understand it's describing an adrenal situation rather than something that literally happens, it seems incredibly unimaginative and obnoxious if it's used more than, say, a couple of times in a story.



I agree it's overdone. Once, I explained that a character's heart "wasn't beating whatsoever," and had someone miss the point that_ she was dead_ due to the extreme prevalence of the heart-beat tropes (and also my poorly explained premise, but that's neither here nor there).

Another thing people do too often (imo) is make their characters turn pale in fear (called "blanching," apparently).

And to the OP, there's basically no such thing as "cheating" in writing unless you're plagiarizing.


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## Taylor (Jan 27, 2021)

EternalGreen said:


> And to the OP, there's basically no such thing as "cheating" in writing unless you're plagiarizing.



Well put!  Why reinvent the wheel?  There are other ways to distinguish one’s self as a writer.


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## JBF (Jan 28, 2021)

If I could solicit the opinion of the jury....

This is an extract of a fairly recent project that serves to introduce the protagonist of a much different, much later work.  I tried to write up an explanation as to what I meant in some earlier posts here (without much luck, as it happened) and figured showing might work better than telling in this instance.  

***

_The iodine stung as it touched. Short a twitching of the eyelid the  boy showed no sign of the pinch. The cut was not long, maybe an inch,  angling down from the forehead towards the left eye. For now it still  showed a fresh and angry red, but before summer’s end the parted skin  would knit, the scar fade, and register only as a brief interruption in  the brow. The last souvenir.
_
_“You’re awfully quiet today.” The woman’s voice carried an edge of  forced cheer flagrantly at odds with the washroom door hanging crooked  on broken hinges and the kitchen trash brimming with shards of crockery.
_
_“John.”
_
_The boy moved his dark eyes by way of response.
_
_“You have to talk to him sometime,” she went on, selecting a bandage.  She dressed the center pad with a dollop of translucent ointment.  Carefully – a painter making the final touch – she placed it over the  wound, smoothing the edges with her thumbs and standing aside to study  the result. Her smile faded around the edges.
_
_“John,” she said. “He didn’t mean anything. You know that.”

***

_What I was trying to get across, I think, was how a fairly small scene could get across a particular vibe with very little of that coming via the protagonist.  Whether it functions as intended is still open for debate.


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## Taylor (Jan 28, 2021)

JBF said:


> If I could solicit the opinion of the jury....
> 
> This is an extract of a fairly recent project that serves to introduce the protagonist of a much different, much later work.  I tried to write up an explanation as to what I meant in some earlier posts here (without much luck, as it happened) and figured showing might work better than telling in this instance.
> 
> ...



Yes it really works very well.  This statement brings the story to life:

_“You have to talk to him sometime,” 

_As reader, you start to assume someone has hurt him or been involved in his wound in some way, so it's a pivotal statement.  Then with this statement:

_“He didn’t mean anything. You know that.”
_
You start to think it is likely a father or brother, because of the "you know that", in otherwords, "you know he loves you."   Did I get that right?

Also, in this statement the simple addition of the word dark, shows his mood, it's a good example of how one word can have a big impact to show emotion.  He clearly is in a bad way. A strong use of the word.

_The boy moved his dark eyes by way of response.


_I really like the way you have crafted this.  It's a perfect example of writing emotions without naming them.  It has inspired me to write today.


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## Taylor (Jan 28, 2021)

JBF said:


> _For now it still  showed a fresh and angry red, but before summer’s end the parted skin  would knit, the scar fade, and register only as a brief interruption in  the brow. _



I forgot to mention how much I liked this sentence.  Again the use of one word, "angry", but applying it to the colour of the wound, instead of to the protagonist is clever, and even stronger than if it were used in the tradition sense.  Too good!


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## Foxee (Jan 28, 2021)

JBF said:


> What I was trying to get across, I think, was how a fairly small scene could get across a particular vibe with very little of that coming via the protagonist.  Whether it functions as intended is still open for debate.


No debate here, that was very successful. John was easy to be in sympathy with and imagine his feelings. Really well done.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 28, 2021)

Taylor said:


> I forgot to mention how much I liked this sentence.  Again the use of one word, "angry", but applying it to the colour of the wound, instead of to the protagonist is clever, and even stronger than if it were used in the tradition sense.  Too good!



Yeah, sound as a pound isn't it. I loved it too.


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## JBF (Jan 28, 2021)

Thanks, all.  



> You start to think it is likely a father or brother, because of the "you  know that", in other words, "you know he loves you."   Did I get that  right?



Correct.  To add some background that's otherwise present in the story but absent here, this is a couple of weeks after he's cleared high school.  The conflict is between John and his stepfather.  They've never gotten along for myriad reasons, and they're had worse incidents before, but this instance entails him getting booted out of the house.  The rest of the story (3400 words or thereabout) is John setting himself up on his own.  This is somewhat at odds with his mother, who's more than a little off and can't (or won't) see anything besides a normal, happy family.  

Most of the interactions between him and his mother are like this, honestly.  Two different people having two different conversations in the same place.  His stepfather (The Jerry) mostly ignores him unless he feels it's time to discipline John into something beside an underachieving lump.  

It's a messy deal all around.


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## Taylor (Jan 28, 2021)

JBF said:


> Thanks, all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I would love to read more.  I hope you post more of it.


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## JBF (Jan 28, 2021)

I really need to get it in gear with regard to posting crits.  

Once I've got a couple of those down it'll probably show up in the Workshop.


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## Taylor (Jan 28, 2021)

JBF said:


> I really need to get it in gear with regard to posting crits.
> 
> Once I've got a couple of those down it'll probably show up in the Workshop.




Wonderful...I'll look for it!


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## Bloggsworth (Jan 30, 2021)

Here's an idea. Imagine you are compiling a quiz in which the contestants have to guess the emotion from clues given, this would sharpen up the thinking metaphor-wise as to be too overt would make them easy to guess...


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## MistWolf (Jan 30, 2021)

Bloggsworth said:


> Here's an idea. Imagine you are compiling a quiz in which the contestants have to guess the emotion from clues given, this would sharpen up the thinking metaphor-wise as to be too overt would make them easy to guess...



"What is 'Crying in Your Beer? ', Alex."


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## Llyralen (Jan 31, 2021)

Bayview said:


> Do you have a good understanding of narrative distance in general? (I'll assume no, and write it out, but apologies if this is an unnecessary reminder):
> 
> The POV question we talk about most often is "person", meaning 1st, 3rd, or sometimes 2nd. (I, She, You). But I would argue that this is a red herring. The "person" of a POV is just a matter of pronouns. Of course we should be consistent, but other than that, it's just a matter of personal preference. What DOES really matter, in that it creates very different effects, is narrative distance. And narrative distance can slide from distant to deep.
> 
> ...



I learned So MUCH from your post here.   I really needed everything you just explained and how you explained it.  I'm really glad I read this thread.  Thank you!


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## Taylor (Jan 31, 2021)

Llyralen said:


> I learned So MUCH from your post here.   I really needed everything you just explained and how you explained it.  I'm really glad I read this thread.  Thank you!



Yeah I remember when Bayview wrote this. It was incredibly educational for me as well. If you get a chance go to all of her recent posts, you can do that if you leftclick on the username and a link will appear.  All of her advice was invaluable to me when I first started writing my novel.   Thanks Bayview!


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