# Why?! (Language Warning)



## CodenameX (Sep 7, 2013)

Subtitle: Situations I get in to so you don't have to.

I've decided to try something. I have a backlog of weird things that have happened to me over the years. Every so often I think I'll update this with a story or two. Not exactly a journal, but not exactly an autobiography. Just a collection of things I wish didn't happen.
So, let's give it a shot!

Warning: strong language ahead.

The Gym

First things first, here’s some relatively important background information. I was at my local gym. This gym has one of those hybrid locker room/bathrooms/shower areas. It's also the same room with the only scale for men. I know, great setting, right? When has anything weird ever happened in a bathroom/shower of a gym?

It usually gets crowded after 5:00-5:30 pm when people end their workday. So, I aimed to go around 11:00 am and avoid the rush. Oddly enough, I still run into a lot of people at this gym. Which, begs the question, what the hell do people around here do? Clearly, going to work is not high on their to-do lists. Anyway, I've started to see some patterns at this gym. It’s mostly familiar faces and which exercises/machines are popular. One machine that I use is popular in the 50+ age range. The exercise bike! At one point, I was pretty sure being a member of AARP was a qualification to use it. Basically, I have never sat near anyone remotely close to my generation. The day this… tragedy occurred was no different. In fact, I think an even older crowd went on these bikes. Which must be a great sign considering the setting of this story is the bathroom.

I was done with my workout and decided to use the scale to see how much my weight might fluctuate before and after a workout. I should have just left. I really should have. It would have been so much better if I had just left. Why? Because I walked into the bathroom and the first thing I saw was one of the single oldest human being alive. And there he was. Being old. [EMPHASIS] *And completely fucking pantless.* [/EMPHASIS] He had his old saggy ass cheeks all over the bench and draped over the edge like a wrinkled flesh tablecloth. It was terrible. I immediately looked away as the only facial expression I could muster was one of shock and horror at the same time. It was like I watched one of the later Saw movies where they completely got rid of any and all plot and tried to make it as gory as possible. It doesn’t matter that you saw something like that for only a fraction of a second. The damage was done. Neurons fired and synapses strengthened. Your brain specifically rewired itself just to remember the event as detailed as possible. I saw his stupidly old, so white they haven't seen daylight in 50 years, saggy ass cheeks just hanging out together for the whole world to see. Irreversible damage to my brain and this gym’s bathroom reputation had been done.

And he just sat there. Getting his saggy, sweaty, old everywhere. I get it, he’s old. When he was born mass producing steel was still a pretty big deal. He earned the right not to care what other people’s eyes are subjected to. Even if it’s him. But, on a serious note, I hope they replace that bench because he was all over it. Right after a workout too. And he wasn't moving any time soon.


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## sir_vile_minds (Sep 7, 2013)

Thanks for imprinting that image into my mind. My day is now ruined


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## CodenameX (Sep 27, 2013)

Hopefully your day wasn't too bad. Mine was after that happened.

My last few weeks have been incredibly busy, but it's time for another story!

Warning: some strong language. 
And this story is pretty long. I typed it out all in one go to get out. So, I apologize if the grammar is horrible. Please forgive me.


_What's In The Box?!
_
This is one from about two years ago during college. A group of friends and I all decided to grab dinner a little early in the cafeteria. It was almost completely empty. I went to a small college that had around 2,000 undergrads. The cafeteria usually had that depressing feeling to it when you walked in. The walls were half mint green and half dark green. Thick white pillars helped support the roof that was two thirds glass window panes in order to let in “natural light”. There were very strange pictures hanged on the walls that students made or painted. Most couldn’t be explained, but no one questioned them after too long anyway. As hard as they tried to make it seem brighter and friendlier, unless you went there with friends, the cafeteria was just a normal depressing place to eat alone or get work done.

Turns out, after hearing this story, this cafeteria can be a depressing and frustrating place to eat even _with_ friends.

So here there we were, in a bright cafeteria ready to eat food that emptied bowels and dished out more digestive problems than most laxatives. But, we were ready. We grabbed a long rectangular table right next to the entrance and sat down. Sadly, a couple was also in the cafeteria with the purpose of eating, except, they made one mistake. They brought it a sizeable cardboard box. And I wanted to know what was in that box.
A chance to find out came much faster than I had hoped. The second I let the table know that a mystery box existed, she stood up and brought the box right by us. I’m not sure if she meant to bring it outside or to someone who just walked into the cafeteria, but she would have been better off going anywhere else. I immediately shouted, “what’s in the box!?” and she heard. She took a few more steps and turned to look at me. If she was in a cartoon, light would have been shinning from behind her face as flowers and fluffy animals filled the screen. She had one of the happiest and bubbliest personalities I had ever seen. And she conveyed it all through a facial expression and way of walking.

Now, two issues presented themselves. This happy go lucky woman turned to see me making the best impression of a half prisoner half Stonehenge statue at the same time one of my friends (let’s call him Joe) came running into the cafeteria shouting “_you’re_ in the box!”.
She must have thought I was talking to Joe and instantly looked nervous and scared that she interrupted a possible ex-con’s conversation. Without knowing that she thought she interrupted my conversation with Joe, I continued to stare at her until she answered. She never did. She put her head down and quickly b-lined it out of there.

That was the first time I witnessed someone’s happiness die.

All the light, flowers, and animals were placed by grey clouds and pouring rain. Before you blame me for this, I originally thought she was going to ignore me. I had a happy and curious face on. But it quickly changed when she kept walking after I asked my question. Either way, hold off on the blame as the story does continue.

 The bigger issue at hand wasn’t her sadness and how we caused it. No, it was that I still had no idea Joe entered the cafeteria. When she walked by a second time to take her seat, I asked again. She must have thought I was mocking her. She never even turned this time. Now, I went from thinking I was ignored, to knowing I was ignored. And this was frustrating because I just wanted to know what was in the box. It couldn’t be that difficult to tell someone with genuine curiosity.

Now, you would think someone in her situation would stop walking by my table. But no, she kept coming back. Everyone I sat with was filled into my version of the story and how she ignored me. No one knew Joe created a huge misunderstanding by yelling when he entered the cafeteria. We all thought she never intended to tell us what was in the box. So, naturally, we wanted to know even more. Every time she walked by we took turns shouting, “what’s in the box?!” at her.  Soon, multiple people asked at the same time. A few kids at the end of the table got creative with it and turned it into a _Roxanne_ parody song. They sang it at her as she walked by and continued to finish the chorus long after she had left. Which, unfortunately enough, turns out she sat just a few tables away and could have easily heard us.

At this point, more people filled into this cafeteria. I saw another good friend (let’s call him Barry) walk in as she left her table. So I put a plan into action. I asked Barry to walk up to the girl and ask her what was in the box. Why? Because, I said she was a friend and it’s only something she could tell him. And it was totally worth knowing.

It was a plan so perfect it could only fail.

Barry walked up to her as she passed our table and asked her in the most polite way possible, “excuse me miss, but what is in the box”? The look of pure disgust and frustration that crossed her face as she exhaled and walked straight past him was intense. It left him extremely confused. The bigger crime was that we still had no idea what was in this stupid box.  Most people would image that would be the final nail in the coffin. We were doomed to never know anything more about this mystery box. I thought it ended there as well. I went to go grab some cake or ice cream (the only perks of a small college cafeteria) and found out the real last page of this saga after.

The girl we badgered over this mystery box left the cafeteria. One of the two kids singing the _Roxanne_ parody (He shall be Kenny) saw her treatment to Barry and thought she knew Barry. Kenny chased her down just to ask, very politely, what was in the box. Kenny came back into the cafeteria with his mouth wide open from shock. Apparently, she told him to never bother her ever again and to leave her alone. Which, is a pretty intense request given that we all lived in a small college campus environment.

But, that’s how it sometimes goes in life. She and the mystery box disappeared forever.


Is what I would like to say if it didn’t turn out my friend Joe was an RA. He went to one of the socials being thrown by other RA’s and, because God loves a good joke, it was the cafeteria girl’s social. She remembered him. _
Oh_, she remembered him. Joe told me the face she gave him was a sharp glare that let him know not to ask anything. At all. Ever.


Also, they were cupcakes inside the box.

They were meant for the social that Joe went to.


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## CodenameX (Oct 17, 2013)

Here's a recent series of events

Job Hunting

This might come as a surprise to most of you. But, as a recent college graduate, I have had trouble in the job market. I've been attempting to find myself an opportunity in a research lab (as literally anything as long as the lab is biology focused). My mornings are spent looking up jobs and sending out resumes. My afternoons consist of even more resume spamming along with attempts to contact people on LinkedIn. After talking to past professors, they reassure me I am qualified and could work in these labs. Is my luck really this bad? I just can't catch a break.

Until last Friday before the long weekend. I decided to submit a few more resumes for the hell of it. I found one position called Food Scientist I. Immediately, I looked at the requirements for employment. Note, I did not read the job description. That is an important detail. Anyway, I submitted my application through Klein (a staffing firm - the name is made up) to Bio Supporters (another staffing firm that is owned by a different staffing firm - and yes I made this name up as well. In fact all names shall be made up from here on out). Already, a few layers of crazy have been added. I applied to a position I know nothing about through multiple staffing firms by sending one email. About 15 minutes later I received a phone call from a blocked number. I decided to answer the call after a small debate. Good choice, because it was a staffing agent from Bio Supporters. I scrambled to my computer as she asked me questions about myself. The issue wasn't my lack of knowledge about myself or my skills, it was that I had no idea how to answers these questions tailored towards a job description I never read. I never found that job description in time, but I guess it didn't matter. I passed. Very quickly, an interview was set up for Tuesday (right after the long weekend). I was asked how far away I was from a certain town, we'll call it New Brunswick. Turns out, I'm a fairly short 35 minute drive away. I was then told, "Great. we'll you can drop by White Falls Tuesday at 10:00 am. I'll send you an email with the information."  Notice how New Brunswick and White Falls sound nor look anything alike. The real life counterpart names were just as closely related. And with that the call ended. I was very confused. So, where was I going, who was I interviewing with, and what am I even applying for? Hell, I haven't had luck with my job hunt so far, so of course I'm taking this opportunity.

I received the email and was instructed to bring a lot of personal information. Well, that's a little odd. Outside of the location of the building, no other information was included. Great. I still have no idea what's going on.

I sent an email on Saturday asking for more information. No reply. Later, I realized it was probably due to the long weekend that I had no contact through Tuesday. Why not look at that job posting? At least I can get a feel for the job. Fat chance that was going to work out. It was the single most vague job description I have ever read. It gave me zero help. I ended up talking to a friend that Saturday and he seemed interested in my story. He even took it upon himself to look up the job posting. Instead, he was met with even more confusion as he couldn't even find the posting. I sprung into action and looked up all 3 staffing firms websites and searched my way through their job postings. Red Flag. There was no job positing for anywhere in New Brunswick or White Falls. Nothing about this felt right. I had no information on anything. The original job posting never even contained a company name. Where the hell was I going and what the hell was I going there for?!

But, either way, by the end of the day on Tuesday I was going to have another interview opportunity or I was waking up in bathtub full of ice. Life after college can get rough.

After days of confusion, the fateful day came. I was as under prepared as you could image. I mean, I looked up my fair share of Food Scientist related information, but I wasn't sure how to apply it. I had no idea how to swing my experiences to explain why I was fit for a food scientist position.
I drove to the staffing firm and had to take a detour down streets I’ve never seen before. Because nothing calms your nerves quite like getting lost. Anyway, I showed up to the staffing firm and found out I couldn't park in the parking lot. They had a gate I couldn't get past since I didn’t work there. Since God loves a good joke, the space before the gate was large enough for one car and a car had pulled up behind me. I asked them if I could get out and we both backed out onto a busy street, stopping traffic in the process. Luckily, nothing bad happen. In the process of thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, now where do I park? Don't tell me I can't even get into the building before they can steal my kidney" I found a public parking lot. Which was full. But, that never stopped any parking lot manager from making a few extra bucks. He told me to pay and to park on the grass. Which, wouldn't have been as confusing as it sounds if not for the fact the entire place was concrete. Turn out, he meant, park on the patch of grass on the sidewalk. This old man used incoherent snorts and sighs with crazy hand motions to signal where to turn. After deciding he finally approved of my parking spot, he left. And I locked my doors twice.

I finally get into the damn building and there's no lobby. Time to find a directory! Thank God they had one. I saw the staffing firm and had finally confirmed that I was interviewing with the staffing firm and not someone else. Anyway, I only needed to go to the second floor, but it still felt like a journey all of it's own at this point. The second floor had two named companies. One was called CRC and had a nice giant sign by a door. The other 5 doors looked unmarked. Phenomenal.

I eventually found this tiny door plaque on a corner room that had the staffing firm printed on it. I knocked and nothing happened. The door was locked. Good thing there was a buzzer to the right of the door because that did the trick. I was finally inside the staffing firm office and ready for my interview. Or, so I thought. First, I needed to take a biology and chemistry test. It was a multiple choice test (15 bio and about 20 chem) and I had no idea I was suppose to take this. If I was informed about this I would have at least studied basic chemistry I hadn't looked at in three years. I guess I passed because I went on to have a 2 hour interview of answering questions and filling out various paperwork. At the end of the interview it was hinted I was going to interview for a position where I synthesized DNA sequences. Awesome! Wait, what the hell happened to that food scientist position? Why did I spend my morning learning nutrition? What company is out there scratching their heads because they haven't had anyone apply for their food scientist spots?

It all didn't matter. I might have a new interview with an actual company that does things! I left the interview waiting to hear back about a potential interview at (I knew the companies name at this point! The only issue was the company was huge and had tons of related branches. And I only had the general company name and nothing about where it was or who it was really with), let's call it Jallverd. I would hear back in a week or two about when I might interview. I went home happily with all of my organs and a potential job. It was great.

I got home and took a nap. I woke up because I missed a phone call. But, I had a voicemail. My interview was set for tomorrow at 1:00. Wait, what? I won't really question that I got it, but thanks for checking if that worked. But, I'm unemployed so anything works. Not like they need to know that. Now I need to prep for this interview. And, wait for it, I have a job description! I know the company and what I will be doing! Sweet success! So I did my background work. I checked out the interviewer on LinkedIn and Google Scholar. It was great. I spent time preparing questions and going over answers. It was my time to shine. Except, I was told it could be difficult to get inside. Wait, so the easy building to get in to was the one that involved me backing up traffic and meeting a crazy old ass lunatic while going on a scavenger hunt to find the door plaque that barely had your name on it? Awesome.

It was pretty simple to find the building and get inside. Except the building housed many companies. I walked to the front desk and asked for the man and company I had an interview with, but I was met with a blank stare instead of an answer. This is really becoming fun. No really, this is a joyous experience to go through. I'm in a freakin' skyscraper (all right, not exactly. It only had 8 floors?) and had no clue what floor to be on and I had 10 minutes to get there. But in due time, I found it. The floor that is. I had to get into a room (with a letter so it was a subsection of a room listed) that was nowhere to be found. I guess they like to label things to confuse people. I had to enter a room with the number before the one I was supposed to be in. That way I could go through the door to find the room I needed to be in. It's like walking down a hallway and seeing even doors on one side and odd doors on the other. Then you need to enter room 17 before you could enter room 18. That way you could find room 18E.

Despite their best efforts, I made it on time. And I felt like a champion. I had the interview. Except they didn't ask interview questions. They described everything and asked was I comfortable or did I have experience. I did my best to turn it into a two way conversation and felt somewhat pleased. I meet two other people and had conversations with them as well. Everyone was extraordinarily nice and helpful. I left thinking it could have gone better, but I made it there in one piece and still wasn't a food scientist. Now, I await a phone call back to see what the next step is. I was told I would definitely hear back, so fingers crossed on the weirdest job hunt experience thus far.


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## Divus (Oct 17, 2013)

So I read the article, or rather I skip most of it.    Then finally I get to the end of the long epistle - even longer than some I write.     But even by the end of the oh so long epistle, you still haven't got a job


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## Robert_S (Oct 19, 2013)

purged


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## Divus (Oct 19, 2013)

I've been fighting getting old all my life.  Every day I woke up, I was a day older.   Ger plunk.

- - - Updated - - -


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## escorial (Oct 19, 2013)

Why?...getting old is not a certainty....


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## CodenameX (Oct 23, 2013)

Robert_S said:


> Ok, I get the first one. Being old is a terrible thing. It should be criminalized and the old should be put away so they aren't seen ever again. Got it.
> 
> God (though I don't believe in such nonsense) forbid you get old. Oh, wait. You will.



Ah, good, glad people are finally coming around to my more extreme view. I knew I could reel a few of you in. 

Anyway, on a more serious note: I wanted to share stories that matched my thoughts on the events as closely as possible. I never believed anyone would read these. But, maybe, just maybe, someone who was crazy enough might come along eventually. Hopefully, they would be entertained. The first one wasn't meant to pick on the old. I just genuinely don't enjoy seeing buck ass naked people sliding their sweat bits and pieces all over a public bench. There are lockers closer to the showers for a reason. 


And just remember, not everyone gets old. It's only the careful and the lucky that do.


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## Divus (Oct 24, 2013)

CodeX,   quote:   "It's only the careful and the lucky that do" (get old) ................ you forgot "the healthy"


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