# 23/5/11 - The Caretaker - SCORES



## TheFuhrer02 (Jun 16, 2011)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Late May Challenge - SCORES​
First off, I would like to say that we had 19 brilliant entries for this round and I would like to congratulate and thank the contestants. Of course, thank you as well for the judges (KarlR, Bruno Spatola and Anna Buttons) for their effort in judging the entries.

Well then, let's go on to the results!

In *Third Place*, with an average score of 17.13 points, is Bilston Blue with his entry, Taking Vic to Lord's.
In *Second Place*, with an average score of 17.38 points, is alanmt with his entry, Garden of Eden.
And now for the *First Place* winner, with an average score of 18.88 points...

... the winner of the LM Late May Challenge is none other than Like a Fox with her entry, No More Baked Potatoes!

Congratulations once again to all the winners and contestants, and of course to LaFox for the well-deserved win! :thumbl:

And that concludes this round of the LM challenge. Until next time!

Here is the scores table:





To see all the entries, click here.

Here are the judge's comments:

[spoiler2="KarlR's Comments"]It has been my honor to have evaluated your work. The care and thought you put into your stories was evident.  
If I could reduce my critique to a single word, it would be ‘clarity.’ Some of the essays were intentionally vague, but begged for more clarification. Others were delightfully ambitious, but became muddied for trying to do too much with the allotted word count. There were a couple of standouts whose work is a fine example of how to handle a limited-length essay.
Bravo, and thanks to all participants!

Eyes of the North by AvA Total: 15
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 6
I get what you’re shooting for, but it’s a bit heavy-handed. Maybe backing off from the literary and practicing the telling without the ‘flowers.’

Mr. Pearce by Heavy Thorn Total: 16
SpaG: 5
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 7
The idea is food. Just needs to be tightened up. Clarity is a good thing.

The Lost Caring for the Lost by fearsatan Total: 18
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 8
Very strong start. Kind of falls off after the ass-kicking first paragraph, though. Sort of finishes with a whimper. The bulk of the story is as it has been told before. Give us a fascinating new angle. And use the juice you used to draw us in!

The Stewart by guy_faukes Total: 15
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 3
Effect 7
Perhaps a less grand and regal approach to the story would have been more effective. Dirt and grit are your thematic units. Staying closer to that theme stylistically will strengthen this story.

The Janitor by Custard Total: 12
SpaG 2 Overused semi-colon needs to break many sentences into 2 separate thoughts.
Tone/Voice 3
Effect 7
I really like the idea of using the lowly janitor juxtaposed against the group’s lofty goals. It could be tightened up to create a fascinating exchange.

Garden of Eden by alanmt Total: 15
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 6
Competently written. Just not my favorite genre.

Square Up by MJ Preston Total: 15
SpaG 4
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 7
Having your iron say, “Let’s go! I’m Ready!” clashes with the overall tone of the piece. I really enjoyed the theme of soldier giving back to soldier.

Ill-treated and needy garages by InsanityStrickenWriter Total: 19
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 9
Odd idea, very well executed. Kept me reading, for sure!

The School Caretaker by spider8 Total: 20
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 10
Your characterization was delightful. The criminal record bit was introduced a bit late. The story stands quite well without it.

A Promise to the Ocean by elite Total: 14
SpaG 4
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 6
This one reads like a Hallmark special. Could have done much, much more with the theme.
The Caretaker by DickC Total: 17
SpaG 3
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 9
This was one of my favorites. ‘Digger!’ YGBSM! What a great way to kick off your story. I’d recommend you learn the rules for quotation punctuation. That hurt your score here. I’m very much looking forward to hearing more from you.

Vigil by Misa Buckley Total: 19
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 9
‘checking, checking, checking.’ Well done!
Voice was perfect for the subject. Just a few minor areas that could be touched on and improved.

Taking Vic to Lord’s by Bilston Blue Total: 17
SpaG 4
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 8
This one gets the award for best title. Sounds like music. A very ambitious outing. Unfortunately it created complexity where the story was crying for clarity. Gold star for trying to stuff this much story into 650 words!

The Caretaker: Charlie and Lucy by Prinkes
SpaG 3 Irritating typos. Take the time you’re given before you post. You took a pretty big hit here.
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 8
True to tone—just overdone. “Drew me a bath” sounded just a little grown up for your MC.

The Caretakers by Nick Total: 16
SpaG 4
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 8
Used a lot of your setup on awkward and distracting stuff. Use the word count to pare down to essentials. I wanted to like this more than I did. Needs strengthening.

Horace the Caretaker by Flapjack Total: 19
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 9
Very ambitious—perhaps too ambitious. Lost me at the end.

The Caretaker by Jinxi Total: 16
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 7
I like the use of asterisks to indicate the passage of time. The first two paragraphs could be substantially reduced to shore up the story in the final segment.

Luna by bazz cargo Total: 14
SpaG 3 Run-on sentences, ‘vents and stuff.’
Tone/Voice 4
Effect 7
A good idea. Needs a lot more refining.

No More Baked Potatoes by Like a Fox Total: 20
SpaG 5
Tone/Voice 5
Effect 10
I want to write like you can.[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2="Bruno Spatola's Comments"]*Prinkes*
*The Caretaker*

Interesting, I really didn't expect a story like this. I enjoyed the child-like way it was told; it sounded like a hit and run advert at first, but overall, itwas eerie and reasonably effective. 

I sort of enjoyed the story, too, which surprised me. I've read a bunch of stories from the perspective of a child and I think you did it more convincingly than most of them, so I commend the effort. Other than that, I'm not so sure.

Beneath the pure, innocent narration, the story isn't that creative in my opinion. I think the _way _it's written is what's intriguing here, but I would've liked more about what was going on with the adults and the drugs. I doubt it was your intention to get caught up in that side of the story, I just wanted to explore it a little deeper. 

I think the way you chose to narrate it restricted how far you could go. I mean, it's written like a child, so there's not much room for you to do anything adventurous, and it showed, to a point. There are some interesting things going on, they just need refining.

Your grammar's good. There are a few incomplete words: “ok” instead of “okay” or “OK”; _“_her” instead of “their” on one occasion, and most of the story is in one big block of text which, made it unappealing. Other than those gripes, it was pretty sound.

In short: it needs work.

*14/20*

*Nick*
*The Caretakers*

Loved the idea here, it was a cool take on the prompt. I think “the caretakers” would feel right at home in an Orwellian dystopia.

So while I enjoyed it, I was confused at times. Your descriptions – whilst very good overall – didn't work for me in some parts. 

“ *. . . her lips drowned in **red plastic.**” – *This left me slightly puzzled, is she actually a robot or did she just seem like one, hence the odd description? I like the line, I'm just too stupid to understand what _red plastic_ refers to here. 

“*I really didn’t want to be in an old, busted car I found in the field just off Casey’s Point.” – *That comes off as inelegant to me. “Just off Casey's Point” is a bit too specific. I don't care where the field he found the car in is, it's irrelevant to the reader. A small issue, really, but I wanted to be thorough. 

“*Quicker than a rat trying to bite the handkerchief from your pocket” – * I had to read that a few times, is this something rats do often? Again, 'tis most probably down to me, but I don't understand that line. Sorry, I'm thick.

Other than that, it's all good; although, you describe Miss Rethbourne's smile too often for my liking. I ended up imagining her as a mannequin with lippy on the whole time, but maybe that's a good thing.

More importantly, I felt for your main guy. He seemed like a child thrust into the real world way too soon, and I sympathised immediately. I'd love to have known more about him had the word count been higher, but you did a fine job with the cap that was given. 

As for that woman . . . I wanted to punch her in the face every time she opened her gob, so I admire your ability to create a completely unsympathetic witch in so few words. 

It could do with being longer, I think, to give everything more clarity. You couldn't help that of course, I'm just saying I'll like reading this again if you decide to do something more with it. The little mock advert at the end was a nice touch.

Your punctuation was almost spotless: some commas should have been full stops and I noticed an “it's” that should have been “its”. The rest was tip-top. 

Thanks for the read. I guess you're not just an excellent poet. 

*17/20*

*Flapjack*
*Horace the Caretaker*

This one starts off well. Some lovely lines and images in there, so it certainly isn't lacking in artistry; however, as well as having a few niggles, I think it tapers off towards the end.

The dialogue in general was a bit off, in my opinion. I never really got the impression that people were behind the words, it felt scripted and oddly clinical.

Example:* "Do you truly not trust me. I trust you Horace. If you can't rely on me to be faithful now, what of our future?” *

It might just be me, but that doesn't sound like realistic speech – a problem I faced throughout. It think it comes down to personal preference here, so I won't dwell on the matter any longer. 

“*That voice had seemed unreal, tangled as they were in their blankets.” – *Loved that. 

As I said, it started off well. I really felt like I was getting to know the caretaker. Your descriptions are sweet, real, and drew me in, so forming the reader/character bond wasn't difficult. That's all fine, but as a whole, the piece feels incomplete.

I didn't understand quite a few things. I think you sacrifice clarity for beauty at times, which flustered me. Here's what I mean:

“*The wounds he had bled** in the following months still itched, so many years later, with unhealing scabs. **Did other adventures simply celebrate their bond?”** – *I like the line, but don't understand it. What wounds? What do you mean by “other adventures”, something sexual? I didn't write this, so it's hard to be sure about what exactly is implied. 

"*Rather, the voice seemed like an old friend. **It connected him to something lost long ago. Perhaps more than one something**, he had often considered.*” – Again, the line's pretty much okay, but I don't get it. Connected him to _what_ long ago? I have no idea what he's thinking. Maybe he himself doesn't know, but you don't clarify that.

“*The bells had given him such a wonderful gift that night.”** – *What gift? The sounds they made?

“*He could have kissed the local children for their mischievous natures. He could not, thankfully, **for their crime had never been discovered.”** – * What crime? Did they break in and ring the bells? I'm just not sure. You don't have to spell it out, but at least make it coherent. 

Nits: 

“*Oddly, he didn't dash up the steps to warn the authorities. **No, it was odd at all**.” – *Did you mean wasn't, or. . . ?

“*The sound seemed to judge him. **Each swing a new accusation filled his ears.**” – *Did you mean “With each swing a new accusation filled his ears”? It looks wrong like that.

Your use of punctuation is a bit of an issue for me; some sentences read almost like bullet-points and don't flow into each other eloquently, which muddled the pacing – something that, I think, can ruin a story. I wouldn't say that's true in this entry, but a full stop isn't the only choice and can often be too strong a pause in the wrong place. That caused most of this to read unnaturally, for me, and I think changes need to be made. 

Still, I did like it. It has a few issues, but they can be rectified easily. Grammatically, it was excellent. 

Final verdict: a good story that needs more of just about everything. Good luck.

*15/20* 

*Misa Buckley*
*Vigil*

I'll be honest: at first, this story annoyed me. I didn't understand why nothing was happening, and how a dull robot going through her routine was going to make for a good story . . . but then it clicked. 

Towards the end, what started off as a seemingly mindless machine became a mechanical mother, watching over her children; tucking them in, almost; making sure they had all they needed for the journey ahead. I had a smile on my face when it'd finished, because it was sort of moving – flawed_, _but moving.

Once I got all that and read it a second time, it was much better, as a lot of stories often are. It's not exactly original; there are sections similar to this in many sci-fi books and films_, _but that didn't stop me from enjoying it. 

Still, it's quite dull in the first few sections. When the alarm sounds, I think you could've taken that opportunity to inject some real urgency into it, just to show how vulnerable the humans are and how vital this robot is to them. Its importance is evident towards the end as I said, but you could have made that hit home sooner. That would have made the rest seem like less of a chore. 

There's not much more to say. It could do with a bit of expansion; you had another 100 words to take advantage of, but it was a nice, generally well-executed idea. I can see it making a lovely little animated short film.

Punctuation-wise, I think you should have omitted a bunch of commas, replaced them with full stops and vice-versa. It stopped and started quite often which threatened to break the flow, and it partially succeeded. A semicolon would've been much better suited in places.

Maybe you wrote in this way to give it a more mechanical, non-human flavour – I don't know, but I _do_ know that it took me a long time to read through; punctuation is there to make reading easier.

So it's good, but needs tweaking to be great. Good luck.

*16/20* 

*Bilston Blue*
*Taking Vic to Lord's*

Good stuff, I enjoyed this.

The way the caretaker is recollecting moments lost in time is enjoyable, I could almost feel that same nostalgia. It's written well and was easy to visualise all the way through. I never had much trouble with anything on that front, so I can't knock your style: it's neat; well-paced; very natural and gets the job done. I tend not to like first-person stories in general, but yours held my attention. 

The main character is intriguing – endearing, even, but there's an air of darkness about him that makes you stop just short of actually liking him. That's how he strikes me, anyway, which is cool. The calm, quiet ones are usually the scariest and I think that rings true here. 

There's one section that had me re-reading and scrutinizing, though: the part where your guy recalls catching two kids getting lucky. 

“ *. . . **and he never told a word to anyone **about what I did to her** whilst he watched, sobbing like an eight-year-old who’d pissed his pants.**” – *I like that you left exactly what happened to the reader's imagination (if that was your intention); however, I immediately assumed he'd done something sexual to the girl and I'm not sure that's right. 

As it neared the end, I still wasn't confident about what had transpired that day, so I personally think you should clarify it more for cretins like myself. 

It doesn't feel like you were restricted by the word limit, which always impresses me. It's not easy to write a 650 word story and tie up all the loose ends without leaving any visible scars, but you did so reasonably well. I would've liked more about his home-life and how it was affected by the incident (if it even was), but that's because of my own curiosity, not because its absence is detrimental to the story. 

Punctuation and grammar-wise, it's sound. I feel you often say “and” where a comma would make it flow a lot better. Most of the time, it didn't damage the story whatsoever; sometimes, just a little, but that's because I'm persnickety. 

A couple colons seemed unnecessary. The word “taffed” threw me off, too, but I decided it was slang for “stole” and moved on. No spelling mistakes to report.

Overall: great. I hope my comments are well-founded.

*17/20*

*Jinxi*
*The Caretaker*

I wasn't feeling this one. 

The relationship between the killer and the woman (therapist?) is the most interesting part, but it wasn't developed strongly enough for me to care. I knew his name, I knew his family had died, but I didn't know _him; _why he killed those people; if he was innocent, etc. Some actual dialogue between the two would've really made it a lot more interesting.

She says *“He impacted my life so greatly that I cannot resist sharing my story”.* To be honest, I didn't find one thing in the whole story that suggests he had this significant role in her life. What happened? Did they share secrets with each other? When did this mother-son relationship actually come into fruition? I really feel like it's missing the important parts. 

Because of that, it's almost pointless. I'm just being told all of this happened without seeing it unfold for myself. If I'm not going on the journey with the main character, the chances of me being moved or stimulated are much lower, I feel. 

With first-person stories, I find myself spending far too much time in the main character's head, which isn't always that interesting. I think that's true here, to some extent. 

I see what you were going for, don't get me wrong; I know I sound like a Negative Nancy. The idea here is very good, but it needs more time and work, that's all. In _Silence of the Lambs _I ended up caring for Dr. Lecter, even with the knowledge of his crimes and I can see myself caring for Jasper as the MC did, but not as it stands now. 

The actual writing was quite plain, but there were no real grammatical errors. I couldn't find any typos either, so there wasn't much re-reading to endure, which is good.

I look forward to seeing how you develop this. 

*12/20*

*Bazz Cargo*
*Luna*

I like the idea: Caretaker up on the roof, stargazing; boy goes up there to kill himself; caretaker persuades him not to. That's the gist if I've gotten it right and it's good, but I don't think the execution was quite up to it.

The caretaker comes off as preachy, which annoyed me. I didn't like him, frankly, and that formed a barrier between me and the plot. It wasn't too bad, but he definitely needs something – I don't know what, exactly, but he needs it.

The ending arrives very suddenly, which is awkward; I've done that before and it can be hard to spot for yourself. It seems the boy is sure of his decision: *“You have no idea what it's like”*, then before I know it, he's saying *“Thank you”* and going home. I don't think that's very realistic; the word limit seems to have really hindered the story. I can't say if that's the case, but it feels unfinished.

“*He swung around and stared into the shadows cast by vents **and stuff.**” – *I personally don't like to see things like that; it feels out of place in a story, especially one like this. I understand if you wanted to write in a more informal way, but I don't like it. 

The dialogue was all clumped together, so I had to fix that before I could judge comfortably. 

Your punctuation needs some work. I feel you use commas in the wrong places often, and some parts of the story didn't read smoothly because of that. I had to keep editing in my head as I went along which was a bit of a pain. 

A full stop here and there would make it all read much better. I noticed a misplaced apostrophe, too, but it's an easy mistake to make.

Good luck.

*13.5/20*

*InsanityStrickenWriter*
*Ill-treated and Needy Garages*

Interesting interpretation. I enjoyed the little exchange between the two characters; it was fun and had me smiling with its almost _Alice in Wonderland_-style eccentricity. 

Still, I think the whole piece needed more time in the oven.

Your main character, Michael, doesn't have much of a presence in the story. He feels like a name, not a person, which didn't convince me he was worth reading about. All of the charisma came through in the Organiser/Caretaker; that's fine, don't get me wrong, but it left it all a bit muddled and unbalanced.

Some lines that didn't work for me:

“*He could swear he could see light seeping out from the sides of a hazy silhouette.”*

You say “could” twice here, in close proximity of each other. *“A hazy silhouette”* is also pretty vague, I think. I know what you were saying, that's not the problem, it would just be clearer if you mentioned what it appeared to be a silhouette _of, _but that's me.

“*The majority of him was busy being terrified**,** but there was also a passing thought of confusion.” – *That isn't a very clear description. I can see what you were aiming for, but it doesn't gel with me at all.

There are some amusing lines, but they feel forced. If the word limit was higher, I'm sure you would've spread them out more gracefully, but that's why it's called a writing challenge I guess.

The actual idea is funny. I love that there's this entity taking care of neglected sheds, she'd fit snugly in a _Discworld_ novel. 

The dialogue wasn't double-spaced which made the story read at an odd pace, so I had to amend that before reading on. Easily fixed, but annoying nonetheless. 

I think you really need to work on your comma usage. You use far too many in my opinion, often in the wrong places. It might not seem like something major, but affected the story for me quite a lot. If it doesn't flow as naturally as it should, I don't enjoy it as much; your first two paragraphs are a good example of this. 

Some of the ellipses seem out of place also. They can be used to great affect, but I think a few were unnecessary here. 

Your spelling was perfect, no glitches in the matrix there. 

Good luck.

*15/20*

*MJ Preston*
*Squared Up*

Very good. Steady, methodical writing. 

I like how carefully your character is ironing the uniform. You can tell how much it means to him that everything is perfect and in order, almost out of respect, which I admired; however, I think the _reason_ he's ironing is what's interesting here, yet most of the story is focused on describing each and every step of the actual ironing. I don't mean to sound rude, but it's not exactly the most alluring read.

Also, to be honest, I don't feel there's much of a style coming through. It's very neat and controlled, but there isn't any flair, so it comes across as quite plain. The way you tell it can make all the difference, but I wasn't that compelled to finish. 

The ending was a bit dull. I expected one final line – something that touched me, closing the story nicely, but it never really came. It's your story, you ended it how you wanted to, but that feeling of satisfaction wasn't there, for me. 

Some nits that stick out:

“*The landscape of his face is shiny and new, in the corner on his right cheekbone there is a mark that could be a pimple.” – *I don't like “landscape”, it looks and sounds odd, to me. I have the same problem with “could be”. 

“*The irons grumbles once more.” – *Iron_. _

“*. . . as he again set across the crease and pulling the material taut.” – *Did you mean “pulled”?

“*He ignores it and running it back and forth pressing hard.” – *Runs_?_

“*He turns the shirt of and repeats the process.” – *Over_?_

“*Present….. Arms!” – *No need for five full stops, unless it's an army thing I haven't quite grasped. 

“*Sergeant Andrews,” A voice in the doorway says.” – *Lower-case '_a' _here. 

The punctuation's good. I feel you could have used a few more commas to smooth things out, but it's good. 

I liked this one, it just needs some re-working I think.

*16/20*

*DickC*
*The Caretaker*

I had trouble with this piece. 

At one point – quite late in the story – you describe a “mysterious killer”. I think it would be better if you mention this person a lot sooner than you do, because it's actually the most curious part. Instead, it's revealed pretty close to the end which weakens its impact. It's like “Wait a minute, who's this guy?”, then it was finished.

I like that people are dropping like flies and this guy Digger is scraping them off the streets, wondering why he hasn't met his end yet, but again, it's only in the second-to-last paragraph that this becomes apparent, and it doesn't really pay off. 

The idea is good, I really am impressed with that, but it needs more of everything to be a memorable read. 

Tripped up on these:

“*Digger watched two Robins” – *“Robins” shouldn't be capitalised here. 

*"Hey Buddy.", barked the driver. – “*Buddy” shouldn't be capitalised here, either. Also, you follow it with a full stop when it should be a comma; you do this quite a lot. There's no need for the comma after the final speech-mark, “Hey buddy,” barked the driver.

It's always a comma when followed by a dialogue tag (_he said_, _she said_, etc.). When dialogue is followed by an action, or simply doesn't need a tag, you use a full stop, “Hey buddy.” The cop's voice was thick and scratchy. 

Bad example, but you get the idea. 

*"Hey, I'm talking to you.", the cop shouted. – *Same problem. I won't labour the point. 

*"What's so damn interesting in there?," – *Here, you put a comma after the question mark; there's no need, the question mark acts as a comma: “What's so damn interesting in there?” he asked. 

“*The Future.”, he said. – *Why have you capitalised “future”?

“*Row eight, Lot twelve was next.”*

A distinct lack of punctuation throughout made it very difficult to read. I found myself stopping, starting and re-reading sections constantly to understand what exactly was going on. That just makes it feel messy. 

It's amazing what a few well-placed commas can do to a story and I think you should start using them more often. 

So a really cool idea, but the story needs an overhaul.

*13/20*

*Elite*
*A Promise to the Ocean*

I tried really hard to get into this one, but it was difficult. I couldn't make sense of what was going on; where your main character was; _who_ he was. You describe a harmonica more than you do him and visualising everything wasn't all that easy because of things like that.

This relationship he has with the young girl is sweet, but doesn't feel real at times. I think you could do with making your dialogue and descriptions clearer; you had another 200 words to explore their affiliation more deeply here and I don't think you exploited that to its fullest. 

As it stands now, it's much too short for me to form any real bond with these characters, and that feeling of disconnect didn't help sell it to me. I just think it needed more time, because that little exchange between him and the child is actually quite evocative. If the rest of the story is equally as good next time, I can see myself enjoying it more.

At the beginning, you mention a storm and ignore it after that. I personally would have made it rain towards the end, suggesting the weather represented the pain your MC was feeling; as if the sky was shedding the very same tears – but hey, that's just me. I'd have utilised that element.

There are positives, I'm not being overly critical just for the sake of it. There are some nice turns of phrase; a potentially beautiful relationship if it's expanded and refined (as I touched upon before), and your grammar was very good.

A few nits:

“*The waves crashed with concrete.” – *I think that's a little vague. I'm not sure what you mean. 

*"Why are you crying?" She asked. – *You've capitalised “she” here.

“*She was wearing so many clothes of all kinds of colors.” – *That comes off as lazy. “So many clothes of all kinds of colours” doesn't help me imagine the scene at all, use some artistry; force an image into my head with your words, don't just suggest it. 

*"Will you come and visit again?" She asked.” – *she. 

*"It's okay. It's… it's okay," I comforted her . . .” – *Should be a full stop after the second “okay” here.

“*If it's like this, then...” – *This line's strange, it sort of trails off into nothing. If _what's_ like this? I'm not sure what you're referring to. Maybe I've overlooked something, but clarity is paramount in my opinion.

In a nutshell, you definitely show skill, but this piece needs work. Good luck.

*14/20*

*Spider8*
*The School Caretaker*

There's so much dialogue here that it didn't feel like a story; it felt like I was reading through a script, or some kind of test to see if you could write without any form of description. That's fine if it works . . . but I don't think it does in this particular piece. 

Nothing arrives to balance the pacing out, it's just line after line of generally unremarkable speech. It's cool if you're trying out something new, that's always good and keeps things fresh, but I think this really needed that narrative thread running through it. 

Mr. Figgis is another issue I have. He's not that likeable – he's actually sort of annoying. He natters incessantly and comes across as overly self-conscious, which was probably intentional, but it became an arduous read because of that. Not every character is perfect of course. Maybe I expected too much from a 650 word story, but I wanted more from him – something different to make it less ordinary. 

I couldn't get a sense of place, either; they could be in Disneyland for all I know. I imagined them in a totally barren hallway the whole time. 

Punctuation and grammar were top-notch. I noticed the odd anomaly, but nothing worth mentioning. Very clean.

So although I don't think it works that well, there's a refreshing style of writing turning the gears here. Something I'll always appreciate.

*13/20*

*Heavy Thorn*
*MR. PEARCE*

This was the toughest entry to read through and judge.

I wasn't sure who was speaking a lot of the time, which was really jarring. I think there were just too many characters for a story of this size, and it took a long time to read properly because of that. I had to go right back to the start more than once, which destroyed any interest I had to begin with. 

There's Mr. Pearce and his wife, Mr. Garrow, Colton, Mr and Mrs. Clay, a sheriff and a butler. Although some are hardly mentioned, it still makes this piece convoluted.

Here's an example:

“*Mr. Pearce looked up, now at the Sheriff, now at Mr. Garrow, now at the concerned and tattered gentlemen surrounding him. Mr. Garrow's heart sunk in his chest when he saw the face of the butler.” – *I had to read this about six times. Your overall writing just isn't that clear, in my opinion; it shouldn't be difficult to read something so trivial. 

I'm still not even sure who's who, is Mr. Pearce the butler? It's hard to tell. I mean no offence, but it's as if you tried to compress everything into 650 words even though it didn't fit, and that shows – to me, at least.

At first it's interesting. I'm wondering what's happened to his nephew, I'm intrigued, but then I'm reading about how he used to put stamps on letters for Mr. Pearce; how Mrs. Clay didn't approve; the last thing his wife said before leaving for Rome or wherever she went, and all this other stuff that didn't give me time to breathe or care.

So, by the time I got to the end (still confused at this point), it had no effect on me. I think you should have focused on one aspect of the story and committed to it, something that would've made it feel streamlined rather than cumbersome.

One thing I noticed:

“*Tears rimmed his **crooked eyes. **” – *What do you mean by “crooked eyes”? Are they facing different directions? It's not that clear.

The writing was good, although maybe a bit too formal; I didn't pick up on a particularly strong or distinct style. Both grammar and punctuation were great, nothing to moan about there. 

This just didn't float my boat. As a larger piece, I think it could have been the winning entry.

Good luck. 

*14/20*

*AvA*
*Eyes of the North*

There's only one real issue I have with this story: it's from the perspective of an animal.

Naturally, a dog or wolf wouldn't have the same points of reference as a human, so that immediately – for me at least – robbed it of realism, especially on the descriptive side of things. I'm not saying it's wrong, that's simply how _you_ decided to write it, but it doesn't work for me.

For example: *“**I saw a bright, miniature sun afire inside the enclosure of blackened stones.” – *A line like that, as well as a few more I tripped over, is simply too complicated for me to believe an animal was responsible for it. If this was from the owner's point of view, it'd be absolutely fine with me and, arguably, make a lot more sense overall. It feels a little silly the other way round, that's all, but perhaps I'm taking it too seriously.

It feels like a darker interpretation of _Homeward Bound _at times. That's not a slight against you, I'm just saying you gave an animal a more human way of thinking and the theme was one of abandonment, which reminds me of it. 

Anyway, once I looked past all of that and read the story for what it _was_ rather than what it _wasn't_, I enjoyed it. The ending's sad with an inkling of optimism which was, actually, pretty satisfying. When it was over, I genuinely hoped that he went on his merry way and reunited with his master, so that man/animal bond was definitely present. 

Your grammar and punctuation were both extremely close to flawless. I picked up on a single mistake: *“**All he did was **sat** there and **smiled** at me.” – *You shifted tenses. 

It was smooth as silk to read despite that tiny hiccup. Excellent job.

So a competently written piece with an intriguing style. It's moving at times, but didn't _quite_ get there for me. With some tweaking, I see it being a lovely little read.

*16/20*

*Alanmt*
*Garden of Eden*

The writing here was excellent. I didn't have to re-read a singe line because it was so very smooth and the pacing was just right. 

The actual story was great too, it had my undivided attention from start to finish. I like the relationship between Adam and the woman – when she's looking after him, at least. The way she goes from mother to lover is very strange. It didn't ruin it, but it didn't quite hit the spot for me either.

I found myself not caring much for Adam, even when he's tied to a rock having been left to die, weeping. I don't think he has that strong of a presence, but it's enough to make reading on worthwhile. 

The part where you're describing Eden's lush garden is my favourite; it made me want to visit there, which was a nice feeling. It's a well-realised slice of paradise. 

I feel you could have described the woman's transformation towards the end a bit more clearly, though. You describe colours but not texture or size, if you know what I mean, so I had some trouble getting a vivid image of what was going on at that moment. 

I pictured the dragon as Charizard from _Pok__é__mon _because of this, which took a while to rid my head of. I'd have mentioned scales and bone deformation, something more distinct to make it palpable, but that's really not a big deal and comes down to preference in the end, rather than an error on your part. 

The whole sacrifice thing isn't new or unique, but you wrote it in such a way that turned a classic tale into a fresh and involving one.

As I said, the writing is stellar. Grammar and punctuation were both as good as can be, in my opinion. 

Nothing more to say except thanks for the delicious read.

*18/20*

*Custard*
*The Janitor* 

A difficult one to judge.

You talk about this “change the world” meeting, but don't elaborate. I don't know what they talk about at these meetings; who'll be attending them; if other kids think badly of this group for wanting to change things, etc. Without any of that, it's really difficult to care. I don't even know who John actually is, a teacher? A student? Why does he care so much about what a janitor thinks?

To be frank, I had no idea what was going on most of the time. I need to know _some_ of the specifics to at least understand the basic plot. I think you need to work on making things more clear if you want to catch the reader's attention.

“*Perhaps he thought that they were going to bring further ruin to this country.” – *What do you mean here? How can a school meeting bring ruin to an entire country?

It's vague lines like this that make the story very confusing. I'm not being rude, but it's like trying to watch an episode of _24_ when you've missed the first 30 minutes. 

John goes to a meeting where nothing about “saving the world” is mentioned, even though that seems like an important element, and this janitor has a problem with him that's never explained. There's actually no storyline . . . nothing happens.

I won't badger you about it any longer, it just needs a lot more depth. 

Some issues I ran into: 

“*Many people had encouraged them and **Johns** parents were very happy.” – *Apostrophe after the 'n' in “Johns”. 

“*As he walked down the corridor John noticed the Janitor, he always looked at them weirdly.” – *Couple issues here: there's no capital 'j' in “janitor” and I'd replace the comma you put after it with a semicolon. That comma makes it read strangely. Here's how I'd personally write your sentence: 

As John walked down the corridor, he noticed the janitor; he always looked at them weirdly. 

“*When he walked in to their clubroom . . .” – *Should be “into”. 

“*Where is your head **toady**?” – *Should be “today”. Toady's the guy from _Neighbours_.

“*You can go outside if you have something else to think **about ” **Paul said, his face **slightly serious.**” – *There should be a comma after “about”_. _Also, I don't like “slightly serious”, it sounds odd.

“*Hi, I noticed that you were staring **at our room do you** wish to know something about us?” **John said trying to** start a conversation.” – *Full stop after “room” and a comma after “said”, methinks. 

“*No, I don’t” the janitor said his face expressionless but gave just a flash of anger that John noticed.” – *“No, I don't,” the janitor said. His face was expressionless, but gave just a flash of anger that John noticed. 

“*John faltered under the **janitors** gaze.” – *Should be “janitor's”.

“*The janitor **the** picked up his broom and moved away.” – *Then.

“*Perhaps you **have** noticed but you have done nothing.” – *Did you mean “haven't”? I think a comma after “noticed” would help this line, too. 

“*B**ut he could **se** the faults already emerging.” – *See. 

Punctuation and grammar are just about okay. I think some fundamental aspects of writing weren't implemented in this piece thoroughly or effectively – apostrophes, comma usage, dialogue tags, etc. That didn't render it unreadable or anything, but I'd say it's something you need to work on.

Good luck.

*7/20*

*Fearsatan*
*The Lost Caring for the Lost*

I liked this a lot, it's an extremely polished and well-paced bit of writing. Very professional indeed. Not perfect, though, there are a few leaks that could've been plugged. 
Your nameless protagonist's head was a comfy place to be. He's a calm, intelligent guy – a father figure, almost, and a very likeable one. John was more difficult to care about, to be honest. I never found myself acknowledging him more than was necessary. 

Despite the many, many positives, it's pretty depressing; the most depressing entry here, I think. I won't deduct a bunch of points for it, that'd be silly, I'm just saying it's quite a draining experience – something which, ultimately, isn't that fulfilling. I actually didn't like this piece at all on my first read-through for the same reason. 

When I read it a second time the following day, that initial reaction was somewhat suppressed and I was able to read it in a more objective way, if you see what I mean. It still lingered, but wasn't as potent. 

Another issue I have is its relevance to the prompt. I don't get which part of your story involves or relates to “The Caretaker”. It gave me the impression that this was a piece you'd already written before-hand and just threw it in the competition. I'm not saying that's the case . . . but that's how it strikes me. There's a complement in there somewhere . 

I was a little confused at times, mostly about their “situation”. I thought it was post-apocalyptic at first, then I wasn't sure, then back and forth, so it left me pondering and satisfyingly eager for more. Ambiguity can be a bit of a double-edged sword, but I think you found a nice middle-ground.

Grammatically and punctuationally, it was flawless. Nada to complain about – well, except this: *“It was of him and his daughter**. At a family barbeque.**” – *Two issues: you've spelled barbecue wrong and I think the full stop between “daughter” and “at” is unnecessary.

So, highs and lows. Effective writing; a strong style; great imagery; generally appealing characters, etc., but the solemn theme and – from what I've gleaned – lack of a connection with the prompt affected its overall impact on me. 

*17/20*


*Guy_Faukes*
*The Stewart*

I like the idea behind this, it's interesting. I had some trouble with all the references 
your characters make, though.

The caretaker talks of “The monsters”. That in itself is dark and full of intrigue, but isn't really touched upon. I'd rather hear more about the people who've been taken; how they ended up hiding out of fear in this sanctuary; the “atrocities” and “sacrifices”, etc. Just saying that they've occurred isn't very significant to me, because I don't know the extent of the situation. 

What the caretaker actually does is also a mystery to me. How does he protect the people? Did he build the sanctuary? In what way is it fortified? I felt like I was left in the dark too often. I don't expect everything to be answered in 650 words, just enough to keep me hooked, but I was confused half the time. 

Marcus comes across as quite stilted, he isn't the most tangible character. I feel indifferent about him, because I'm not too sure why he's so eager to return to the surface with the others. He hints that things have changed up there, but I can't possibly know what he means by that. It's cool if you wanted to leave it open to interpretation, but it's _too_ open, I think. There's a fine line between ambiguous and confusing. 

There are some nice descriptions, especially when you liken the caretaker's face to clay and his eyes to coal. I had a clear image of him in my head throughout the story because of that one line. I couldn't visualise Marcus as easily, though, he was a bit of a blank canvas. Whether that's good or bad . . . I can't decide, so I'll just say it's a little bit of both. Good because it makes me feel like I'm the main character, and bad because that can make it feel bland. 

So yeah, the writing's good. You capitalised the odd word like “gate”; you end a lot of dialogue with a full stop when it should be a comma (“I know,” said Marcus.) and I picked up on “reveling” instead of “revelling”. I feel it was _slightly_ adverb-heavy, too, but those are all relatively minor errors that didn't niggle.

I still like the idea. It's not unique or particularly creative, but I like it. 

Good luck with this one.

*14/20* 

*Like a Fox*
*No More Baked Potatoes*

Sad. It was a while before I could shake off the silence this left me in. Took me by surprise. 

It almost sounds too true to be fiction – which is a good thing, I guess. I never found myself questioning its realism, I just read it. It made me very aware of myself and my mortality, for some reason.

It's a very honest piece, I think. It's not often I read something where a character's thoughts sound completely genuine and unscripted, but this felt both. 

It didn't end on a sombre note, though, but one of . . . I don't know, duty, or determination, so it wasn't depressing to the point of overkill. 

I didn't like one thing: *“I go to the fridge to get Mum some chilled water and a huge gust of something, sadness I guess,” – *It's not bad or even wrong, but a “gust of sadness” doesn't work there, for me. 

So yeah, nothing more to say about the story, on to the writing! 

I noticed a single error: *“. . . **to ask what the sufficient cooking time **is, (Note: It’s always much longer than I think),** and she'll . . .” – *You put a comma before and after the brackets. 

Overall, it's excellent. There are some nice turns of phrase; the pacing was smooth and steady; punctuation and grammar – other than that one error I noticed – were both spick and span, as I'd expect, and, despite its highly emotive theme, it didn't leave too bitter a taste in my mouth once I'd read the final word.

Simple, effective writing. Good stuff.

*17/20*[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2="Anna Buttons' Comments"]Note to entrants - 
Thanks to everyone who entered, it’s always fun to read everyone’s interpretation of the prompt and this is such an interesting and diverse batch. One quick note, I would personally appreciate it if the proofreading standards went up a notch. I understand no one is perfect but if entrants could be sure to read over their work carefully before submitting I’m sure it would make a big difference (and probably push their score up too). Thanks.

The Caretaker: Charlie and Lucy
By Prinkes
16.5 / 20
I think you fit a lot of character and story into such a short word limit. I especially liked Charlie’s character flaws. Two minor points - you forgot the ‘e’ in ‘first grade’ and I don’t think a small girl would say drew me a bath, I think she would say ran me a bath. Maybe that’s a cultural or a background choice though.

The girl’s naivety has to be very believable for this story to work, the language and details have to be perfect to pull it. I think you really nailed it sometimes, however there are parts where this could be improved. 

My two favourite lines are She works all night, so she’s sleepy during the day, like an owl and Usually candy, but sometimes dolls and sticker-books. These bits make her real. 

The Caretakers
By Nick
16/20
I loved your premise, your slogan and the billboard. I loved the content in your opening paragraph, but I think the wording there could use streamlining. You use the word ‘satisfied’ twice in paragraph five, which comes across as unnecessarily repetitive. Overall I thought it was a great idea. 

Horace the Caretaker
By Flapjack
15/20
I adored your opening two lines. I also loved what of our future? and His words had left his memory with time. In the last paragraph you wrote was where I think you meant wasn’t. I found the wording in the paragraph that began with The creaking lantern to be a little awkward and I didn’t really understand the ending, I feel like I am missing something even though I read it twice. Overall, I enjoyed the epicness (yes I know that’s not a real word) of your writing style but I think your work would shine more if you choose your moments more selectively. 

Taking Vic to Lord's
by Scott Derry
16.5/20
I love the sociopathic streak your character shows in focusing on details and objects and missing the obvious. The tone had me thinking the main character was female until the end which was a bit confusing so I reread it from the start. I didn’t understand the line If he’d been born five years later he’d have missed the whole show. 
My favourite lines are –
it’s normal for someone who has worked at the same institution for forty years to recall both good and bad times
though her name escapes me, when I discovered them at it on the high jump landing mat which was in for the winter
about what I did to her whilst he watched
it’s watered daily, gently
but she couldn’t have known it would lead to me doing the thing I did to that poor girl on a cold December morning. Just about ruined my Christmas it did, and still does. Hers too, I should think.

Vigil
By Misa Buckley
17/20
Imaginative use of the prompt. Loved the first line. If it were up to me I would delete the last line altogether. I like the way you lead your reader to the AI realisation, you doll your information out perfectly which shows great timing. I loved breathing unhindered and caught in dreams she cannot fathom. I also like the way this piece hints at bigger questions and invites (not forces) the reader to ponder. 

The Caretaker
By Jinxi
14/20
I think this is a very creative use of the prompt. You used the word understand and client/s twice in the first paragraph, which seems unnecessarily repetitive. I would change the first word of the fourth paragraph from Conversation to Our interaction. I didn’t understand why being reminded of a happy time would make your character tenser. I liked the line I have visited him twice a week for 38 years but I would add the word now to the end. I didn’t understand The only way I would allow him to trust me is if I pushed myself into his personal safety net.

You are great with visual descriptions; I liked He was a slim man, barely old enough to drink a beer. Scars occupied the space where a smile used to be. Also He responded with nothing, not even a tilt of his slight head.

Luna
By Bazz Cargo
19/20
This is awesome. I print the stories and highlight the bits I especially like (archaic of me, I know), and there is no way I am copy and pasting all the highlighted bits here as it would be about half your story. I loved your premise, the appearance of tea at a suicide attempt is always going to make me happy, and the ending was superb. My only suggestion would be to change but that is not always why I am here to the more dialoguey, but that’s not always why I’m here. Other than that minute bit of nothing, it is glorious and might I suggest (if I may be so bold) that you add Nick Hornby’s A Long Way Down to your list of books to read if you haven’t already. 

Ill-treated and needy garages
By InsanityStricken Writer
15/20
This is a pretty cool story, I liked the quirky use of the prompt. I found it a bit hard to believe the guy went from petrified to casual conversation so quickly and easily, maybe a transition line or two could be added in between. Something puts him at ease? Maybe he talks himself down in his head? My favourite lines were-
His dad had chased a burglar away once with nothing more than his fists, and he wasn’t exactly a vision of peak physical fitness.
“Go away,” said an airy, female voice.
The mixture of fear and curiosity had seeped out of his feet and glued him to the spot.

Squared Up
By MJ Preston
17/20
You have a beautiful writing style. I would have scored this higher if it were more polished. Your use of personification with the iron is marvellous. I think you meant The iron grumbles, not The irons grumbles and turns the shirt over, not turns the shirt of. I think the following sentence needs revising – 
The moisture from the starch dampens the cloth as he again set across the crease and pulling the material taut.
I loved the following sentence, though I would cut it off here and delete the rest – 
He presses the beast onto the cloth and it sizzles with satisfaction as the steam rises and rolls around his bare wrist leaving it hot and damp.
I also loved – 
The iron is now sitting back on the board, turned off and winding down, spitting and hissing a little less with each outburst. He folds the shirt neatly using a ruler to square it up. He knows the measurement by heart, could probably do it by eye, but uses the ruler to ensure accuracy.

The Caretaker
By DickC
15/20
I liked the premise, the surprise and your timing. I think the language needs to be simplified, for example Tossing the filterless cigarette butt he stabbed another into his mouth and lit it with a thumb stroked match seems like you’re trying to convey too much at once, as does He re-crossed the street and carried the corpse into his cemetery passing through the crooked shadow of the giant crucified Jesus atop the lone cinder block hut. I also think you could add a few more personal details about your characters. 

The loved the first and last lines. I loved the intrigue of the line None of them did, anymore. You create some really amazing visuals, such as the fog of Turkish tobacco and popping broken asphalt under its tires.

A Promise to the Ocean
By Elite
14/20
I loved –
the sound of our memories? 
Your tears might freeze. 
The ocean which saw me grow up.
I pushed her back a little, so that our eyes could meet. Though I would delete the word that. 
I would revise gathered atop of me and I would change many that lost their parents to many who lost their parents. 
I thought ‘uncle’ was a woman at first – though I seem to assume all characters are female today unless specifically specified otherwise so the fault here could be mine. 

The School Caretaker 
By Spider8
17.5/20
Loved your opening. Love the fact that the entire piece is dialogue, such a punchy way to utilise the word limit. I loved the young gentleman smoking outside in the playground? as well as the subsequent rant with the pure little hands and thumb sucking while craving Marlborough Lights. This is very polished, it’s a great use of the prompt and you fit a lot of personality in. 

Mr. Pearce
By Heavy Thorn
17.5/20
I think this piece has great style and humanity. I loved the introduction. I got the characters a bit muddled and I think you could make it easier to detect where your dialogue ends, for an example see the first line. I loved efficiently striking and the darkest room and the concerned and tattered gentlemen surrounding him. 

Eyes of the North
By AvA
18/20
Great use of ambiguity. Great use of the prompt. I liked slamming a wall of wood into his mother’s face but I had to read it twice, at first I thought he hit her. I like the scent of frightened animals (the sentence that is, I don’t actually like the scent of frightened animals). I also loved the entire fourth paragraph. Great entry, thanks for the read. 

Garden of Eden
By alanmt
18.5/20
One of my favourite entries. I really loved your intro, the objectivity of focusing on the timing of the offerings was perfect. I loved eyes like winter moons, and was happy to see it repeated. Your imagery of the garden is splendid, you draw pictures in the readers mind. I especially liked mosaic walkways, with flitting songbirds and shining fish in serene ponds. The rest of that paragraph is also great. The narrative is a perfect circle, which works so well with this genre. If you decide to flesh this out into a longer piece, which I think it definitely has the potential to be, I suggest adding more nuances about the main character, what else does he do to pass his days? What are his flaws? His dreams? 

The Janitor
By Custard
13/20
John’s personality comes through well in the first half. I liked written letters to important personalities. As a reader I wanted to know how John felt about being sent out of the meeting.

I think this piece needs polish. The word many is repeated in the intro and I think you meant The janitor then picked up his broom, as opposed to The janitor the picked up his broom. I thought maybe he would be nice but maybe he would react angrily was a superfluous statement. 

The Lost Caring for the Lost
By fearsatan
16.5/20
Great opening paragraph. Oddly your choice of centre aligning the text threw me a little. I liked the familiarity in the marriage dynamic, even in periods of hardship and tragedy. I thought firmly in love was an interesting choice to describe a father/daughter relationship. I couldn’t decide if I found it very sweet or a little creepy. 
I liked the lines – 
with a sudden glimmer of hope and fear in his eyes. 
I did not speak and did not cry.
I sat at the edge of the light, drawing odd shapes in the ground with a rusty wire, and waited for the moment he would give in to frustration and speak his thoughts.

The Stewart 
By guy-faukes
14/20
I liked your first and last sentences very much. I thought the second sentence was a bit long and overdone. I loved the idea of a face made of hardened clay – that is such a great visual. Your imagery is brilliant, however it gets a bit lost sometimes; I think you need to work on sentence structure and wording. I liked the insane whims of a mob that mutilated, I think it is enough on its own so I would delete the rest of the sentence. 

No More Baked Potatoes 
By Like a Fox
20/20
So someone should definitely publish this and give you lots of money and force school children to read it. Yes. Incontinent wives and incompetent husbands – perfection. I loved it all – highlights include – 
At about the same time she’ll stop being someone I can call about baked potatoes to ask what the sufficient cooking time is, (Note: It’s always much longer than I think), and she'll become the thing I cry about whenever I make baked potatoes. I might even stop liking them.
..a huge gust of something, sadness I guess, travels up my nose and my eyes fill with tears.
Teensy weensy finicky suggestions – you explained the reason (excuse) thing the first time, the second time I would change it to – And my ‘reason’ for thinking “Die already”. I would change I feel like I’m only twenty-five and I shouldn’t have to deal to I’m only twenty-five and I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal - I just think it flows a little better. Also, the next part of that sentence – to deal with something like this – I think there is a missed opportunity here. To deal with something so... so what? Epic? Painful? Hideous? Also I would change to get Mum some chilled water, to to get her some chilled water. Can’t explain why. 
Soooooo.... I’m going to go enter this into some competition with a bucket of prize money and claim I wrote it myself and win and buy myself something peeerty now. Thanks for the ‘inspiration’.[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2="TheFuhrer02's Comments"]*Charlie and Lucy* by Prinkes

6/10 (Plot) + 3/5 (SPaG) + 2.5/5 (Impact) = *11.5/20*

I have to admit: I had to read this one twice before I got it. And when I got the picture right (I think), nothing struck. The way your wrote the story though, the way it was told by a child, and yet it somehow delivered some dark aura that I can't explain, now that's something I haven't seen much. As for the plot itself, perhaps there was too much going on? Needs tweaking. Perhaps removing the 650 word count and turning this one into a short or a novella could clarify things better.

*The Caretakers* by Nick

7.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *16/20*

Such a simple yet profound piece you have here. This invoked a lot of thought in me about our elders and how they are treated. It somehow thrusted me to that issue, so I have to commend you for that.

*Horace the Caretaker* by Flapjack

6/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *12/20*

So the start was some sort of reflective scene where the MC sees this limestone thing with the bronze additions and whatnot. This, together with the name Horace, made me think the place was like Valhalla, and I was like, "Cool, a fantasy sort of story." Then came the blanket and that small bed talk. Then the bells. After a second read, I still didn't get it. Care to enlighten me?

*Taking Vic to Lord's* by Bilston Blue

8.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 4.5/5 (Impact) = *18/20*

I found the start a bit confusing at first. I saw the principal, or at least he's a school administrator, and he had his last day reminiscing about the many things that occurred during his tenure. The first reminiscing was fine, then I got to the Bobby Gribbin incident. I never fully got the hint until the end, and I have to admit, the way the story ended for me hit me like a freight train. It would be injustice if I didn't say that I truly enjoyed reading this piece.

*Vigil* by Misa Buckley

7/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *15.5/20*

A great story you have here. You have this computer of some sort and she was the one telling the story. Not that it hasn't been done before, but I like this. Straightforward and simple. A fun read.

*The Caretaker* by Jinxi

6.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3/5 (Impact) = *14.5/20*

You have a great premise here, but somehow, it felt lacking for me. The intro had been a great start, but it failed to deliver the finishing blow. Come to think of it, I don't know what the finishing blow would be, but to end it like you did was rather incomplete for me. Perhaps stretching this one into a short story with 2,500 words should do the trick?

*Luna* by bazz cargo

7.5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 4.5/5 (Impact) = *16/20*

The story was a great read, until I got to the ending. The whole thing I was seeing this man who prevented this kid from committing suicide (did I get this right?) or whatever detrimental thing he was about to do. I got that. Then I got to the ending with the gril. Now I think: Was the caretaker trying to prevent the man earlier from meeting the woman? Looks like it, yes? If it were, it is indeed a good touch, but the girl just came out of nowhere. Call me ignorant, but I never saw anything that indicated the boy meeting someone else on the roof, except maybe on the caretaker's seemingly ominous line in _The boy was hesitant in his movements, but he came over and picked up his cup. “Why are you here?”_ Nevertheless, and whichever of the two premises is correct, I found this story a good read.

*Ill-treated and Needy Garages* by InsanityStrickenWriter

8.5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 4/5 (Impact) = *16.5/20*

I found myself laughing once I reached the end of reading this story, not because there was anything humorous about the piece, but I found myself confused. Confused in a good way, mind you. It was as if I saw what the child protagonist was seeing. The sliding windows, the weird Organizer and Caretaker... It all seemed rather surreal. A sort of MindScrew, if you will. And though the main essence of the plot was something that escaped me, I actually believe that the plot was intended to be just that. A very fun read.

*Squared Up* by MJ Preston

6.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *13.5/20*

Apart from the nearly-impeccable grammar, and the fluid and very neat flow of the voice and the writing of the story, I don't see anything else. A lot was put into the process of ironing the uniform, I think, that there was no more room as to explain why he was doing so. We could've seen a bit more of his big day and how he was feeling. Perhaps those feelings can be seen by how he ironed his clothing, that he wants the day to be as perfect as possible, but still, the story felt lacking.

*The Caretaker* by DickC

6/10 (Plot) + 3/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *11/20*

Sorry, but after three passings (more than I would've liked) I still don't get the story. I first thought the MC was an undertaker at the cemetery, then you introduce Mrs. Nichols and hinted that the MC was the one who may have killed the now "former" Mrs. Nichols. Then came the mysterious killer. Who was the killer? Would the MC turn out to be a mere undertaker after all? Too much is going on, I think.

*A Promise to the Ocean* by elite

7.5/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *15/20*

The reason why the MC had to leave was a tad too vague for me, but it's fine. The key was the promise. It may sound or look ludicrous, but it has some sort of symbolism to it. This is a good read.

*The School Caretaker* by spider8

7/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *15.5/20*

A light piece that made me chuckle at various parts. The humor of the story never escaped me. Mr. Figgis is one eager man, I have to admit.

*Mr. Pearce* by Heavy Thorn

5.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *12.5/20*

Ambiguity... That's a word that'd describe this piece. I simply don't get it. A lot is going on, and I feel like you tried to put in a 5,000-10,000 word story into a very, very small 650-word compartment. It simply didn't work for me.

*Eyes of the North* by AvA

8.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *17/20*

Archaic as always, AvA. The scens have a great picture in them, and the plot was good, though it felt a bit too "narrate-y" at the beginning. The death of both parents was the turning point, in my opinion, and though it came out of nowhere, it did not appear rushed, because you tried to set the tone of progression early on. The flow was good, and the grammar was efficient. A solid piece of fiction right here.

*Garden of Eden* by alanmt

9/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 4/5 (Impact) = *18/20*

Now this is what you call competitive and fast-paced. The first segment caught me immediately. Though the child-sacrifice thing wasn't exactly a discovery in fiction, the way Adam was brought to another world provided for a new storyline, one that got me anticipating. The brilliant landscape you painted in the second segment, followed by the growing up of Adam and that subtle scene was so befitting. A great entry, this one.

*The Janitor* by Custard

5.5/10 (Plot) + 3/5 (SPaG) + 2/5 (Impact) = *10.5/20*

I was wondering where the "change the world" theme would enter. It didn't exactly go through, did it? The SPaG needs a bit more work, too. Never got the actual reason why they needed to be janitors. They could be more appropriate as teachers, don't you agree?

*The Lost Caring for the Lost* by fearsatan

7/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = *15.5/20*

The opening paragraph was the hook. Death can be a cool, and cruel, call. The story is a bit saddening, and I'm sensing they're all refugees of some sort in hiding? I mean, they're not just a single family, yes? Somehow, they formed this well-knit bond with each other, and the way this was broken down by their difficulties is truly depressing. The ending was spot-on, too. That sentence "the tears would not hide" was a great touch. Don't know how this relates to the contest prompt, though.

*The Stewart* by guy_faukes

7.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3/5 (Impact) = *15.5/20*

First I have to say that this remind me too much of the recent movie Thor. The resemblance, which I'm sure is unintended, was, to a point, significant. Nevertheless, I liked this story. A sort of fantasy that I truly enjoyed. Balked a bit at the Caretaker's almost blatant disregard of his superior's orders.

*No More Baked Potatoes* by Like a Fox

9/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 4.5/5 (Impact) = *18.5/20*

Wow, huh? This is, for me, very heartfelt and very sincere. It wouldn't do this piece justice if I didn't say that this entry, in a way, moved me. Truly taking the term "caretaker" to its most human interpretation. I loved many parts of it, including the "die already" explanation, the "twenty-five" clause, and the reminder of the MC to her mother to say something better than curse words at the end of a coughing fit. Vulnerable, this entry was, and it was almost as if this entry wasn't fiction at all. It was as if someone was writing these things from experience. Thank you for sharing this. A very inspiring story.[/spoiler2]


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## MJ Preston (Jun 16, 2011)

Congratulations to the winners, and to those who entered as well. 

I am not a judge, but if I were it would be a difficult task sifting through the great talent here.

Hats off to the judges and* WF* for posting another excellent LM Challenge.


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## caelum (Jun 16, 2011)

Haha, I love that layout.  Congrats winners and entrants.


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## Custard (Jun 16, 2011)

Firstly thanks to all of the judges! There were many entries this time. 

I should have re-read it (I can't wait for the vacations to start, it’s been so busy)or at least asked my dad to check it once. Thanks again to all the judges!*


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## elite (Jun 16, 2011)

Thanks to all the Judges who spent so much time reading this and making very useful comments on our writing. Looking forward to the next LM!


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## alanmt (Jun 16, 2011)

Cool!  Thanks!  I appreciate all the judges who had so many good entries to review.  And congrats to Like a Fox and Bilston Blue!


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## Like a Fox (Jun 16, 2011)

But seriously - This has made my day. Thanks heaps to the judges. Pretty glad I entered this one and didn't have to do all that work.
I almost didn't enter, as you can see by my late entry time. 

Congratulations to all the other writers, there were some really great stories in here. 
Hope to see you all (well.... nearly all of you) for the next round. I think I'll go back to my post and do some real work now that my writerly ego is satiated.


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## Like a Fox (Jun 16, 2011)

Oh, and young Fuhrer, you did a really great job collating all this. Much more inspired than my usual layout. Haha.
*claps*


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## edropus (Jun 16, 2011)

That's got to be a speed record for fastest judging period ever.  Props to this round's judges.


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## Flapjack (Jun 16, 2011)

Ok...so my main problem is I am expecting the judges to read my mind. I don't see what is wrong with that...LOL!

Forgive my rather ambiguous entry. To add some clarity, the MC murdered the woman, whom he caught cheating. The "gift" was that some kids came to the tower and pulled the bells, as a prank. Because people heard the bells going off, he had an alibi. The screaming, creaking lantern, etc. was once guilt, but now the MC feels like it is his connection to a lost love.

Also, your 2 nits Bruno were exactly right. Odd, because I usually edit better than that. Thanks for catching.

Excellent comments. I will definitely keep them in mind for the next contest. Moreover, I will try to keep the same quality throughout. Sometimes I apply my vision in the beginning of my writing, and then get on the fast track to the end, thereby lowering my quality level. Will work on that. 

Thanks again. You guys (and gals ) rock!


edit: I love the hidden/showable comments. Definitely would recommend keeping that idea.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 17, 2011)

Congrats Fox! Were you bored with moderating and wanted to show everyone how it's done? hehe

Thanks to the judges, props on sorting through the many entries.


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## Like a Fox (Jun 17, 2011)

Ah, the prompt appealed to me a lot. Writing that was somewhat cathartic. 

I wrote it sitting on the old recliner chair in the tiny house out in the country that my boyfriend, his mum, and his 4 out of 5 other siblings live in. They were watching a fishing show which didn't interest me, so I thought I might give it a crack. 

Sometimes writing just happens. I hadn't written a thing in over 4 months. Maybe I only have a good 650 words in me every 4 months. Bleh. Haha.


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## Flapjack (Jun 17, 2011)

Oops! Forgot to mention - Contrats to Fox, alanmt, and Bilston Blue. Great submissions!


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## Heavy Thorn (Jun 17, 2011)

Congratulations, guys!  Well-deserved wins.  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




And thanks to the judges, both for the hard work and the detailed feedback.  It stung a bit at first, but then I sat down and rewrote my entry from scratch and while I'm hesitant to think that it's amazing, I think it's at least a little more clear than it was before, and I have you guys to thank for that.  So thanks, and good job on the judging!


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## Bruno Spatola (Jun 17, 2011)

Congratulations on the win LaFox . It was a really great story, I'm glad it did well. Good work from everyone who entered as well, some lovely stories in there.

Looking back at my comments, I was clearly far too harsh on all of them. I was trying to be super helpful, but I think I lost sight of the fact that it's also just a bit of fun, as well as a competition. I'm sorry if anyone was/is disheartened by what I had to say . . . that's the last thing I'd want.


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## spider8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Congrats LAF. Epecially as there were so many good'uns here. Quality more important than quantity and here we had both. Well done!  It took a good'un to beat Alanmt.

Bruno, my lad. I don't really understand how one can think one's applying for a job in Disneyland when the Ad says 'Part-time school caretaker required'. Also, without dumbing down too much for the reader, I'd expect the reader not to imagine a job interview is taking place in a barren hallway, LOL!


Seriously, I've judged and I have to be sympathetic to other judges' toils and honesty. So thankyou. 

I still can't believe how many entries there were. It's a great New Rule. Without it, a judge might become zombified after reading 4 or 5.


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## spider8 (Jun 17, 2011)

...feel pretty chuffed to get fourth. Missed out on the highlight pen though.


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## Jinxi (Jun 17, 2011)

Congrats LAF, alan and Bilston on your well deserved wins!

Thank you so much for the great feedback. Reading through my entry again, I completely agree with your comments. Perhaps I will expand on it when I am feeling creative again. I have a bad habit of thinking that the reader follows the same mental patterns as I do, and as a result I sometimes don't explain things in enough detail.

P.S. Love the new layout Fuhrer!


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## Bruno Spatola (Jun 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you couldn't see where I was coming from, spider.


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## elite (Jun 17, 2011)

Bruno Spatola said:


> Congratulations on the win LaFox . It was a really great story, I'm glad it did well. Good work from everyone who entered as well, some lovely stories in there.
> 
> Looking back at my comments, I was clearly far too harsh on all of them. I was trying to be super helpful, but I think I lost sight of the fact that it's also just a bit of fun, as well as a competition. I'm sorry if anyone was/is disheartened by what I had to say . . . that's the last thing I'd want.



On the contrary, I found your comment on my story to be most helpful! It was harsh and down to the point, and it hurt a little, but how you ripped apart my story to tell me it's flaws and even give me suggestions on how to fix them, it showed how much dedication you put on this. Seriously, thank you, best critique I've had, ever. Now I'm all the more eager to participate in another LM


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## Bruno Spatola (Jun 17, 2011)

That was really kind of you, elite. Thank you for easing my worries a bit.

I'm sorry if it seemed like I ripped apart your story -- I can see why that'd hurt. You had a really great entry there, so perhaps I could have highlighted more of the things I _did_ like, just to be fair. .


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## elite (Jun 17, 2011)

Bruno Spatola said:


> That was really kind of you, elite. Thank you for easing my worries a bit.
> 
> I'm sorry if it seemed like I ripped apart your story -- I can see why that'd hurt. You had a really great entry there, so perhaps I could have highlighted more of the things I _did_ like, just to be fair. .



It's fine, really. I could just go downstairs and show it to my grandma to get praise, critique is what I'm here for!

And I'll make you take back those words for the next one


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## Rustgold (Jun 17, 2011)

I do have a query, and that relates to the 'caretaker' theme.
I'm not criticising anybody's actual writing, I want to question whether some met the theme requirement.  I'm primary referring to Squared Up, A Promise to the Ocean & Garden of Eden, but also to a large extent MR. PEARCE.  To me I couldn't see the theme in the actual short stories.

I do wish to query the scoring, specifically in relation to whether the 'caretaker' theme was in the short stories.

_Note : This isn't a criticism of the actual short stories, just theme inclusiveness._


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## Like a Fox (Jun 17, 2011)

The judging guidelines have always been pretty wishy washy and since I became the moderator of this area of the forum my main point was to be helpful and friendly. We're not here to scare people off from entering again, and it is, in the end, all in good fun. We take it seriously, but there's no money involved here. It costs nothing to enter, nothing to lose and nothing to win. So if interpretations of the theme are somewhat ambiguous, I've never been inclined to make a big stink out of it, nor encouraged other judges to do so.
That said I've taken points off on occasion for a writer who seemed to have dumped an unrelated story into the competition, or the relevance of the prompt seemed tacked on.
I didn't notice that with any of these entries, as the prompt was kind of broad and gave us heaps of different types of entries. And that's definitely better than 19 samey-stories.

If you look in the 'How to judge an LM' thread, there is an example of how to allocate score and I believe "Use of prompt" came in under 'Overall effect'. But as I say, those guidelines were always just that.

Any further discussion of this matter might be best suited to the LM Coffee Shop.


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## Nick (Jun 17, 2011)

Congratulations, Like a Fox! Does that mean you get to take the role of 'Caretaker' now?

Thank you to the judges for looking over each piece, and coming back with a speedy reply despite the work-load. Thank you especially, Bruno, for the detailed analysis. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I think I'll definitely make the LM contest a regular thing for me!


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## Heavy Thorn (Jun 17, 2011)

Rustgold said:


> but also to a large extent MR. PEARCE.  To me I couldn't see the theme in the actual short stories.



In response, I give you Mr Pearce himself-->


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## Bilston Blue (Jun 17, 2011)

Congratulations to Alanmt and Like a Fox, and a big thank you to the judges for their time, effort, and feedback, talking of which:



> There's one section that had me re-reading and scrutinizing, though: the part where your guy recalls catching two kids getting lucky.
> 
> “ *. . . **and he never told a word to anyone **about what I did to her** whilst he watched, sobbing like an eight-year-old who’d pissed his pants.**” – *I like that you left exactly what happened to the reader's imagination (if that was your intention); however, I immediately assumed he'd done something sexual to the girl and I'm not sure that's right.



What is it you're not sure is right? That you assumed the incident was of a sexual nature, or the fact the incident was a sexual nature? I suppose the incident could be whatever you want it to be, but imagine something truly horrible and you're near the mark. Your comment about the air of darkness surrounding the character, I think it comes from my youth and reading many Stephen King novels, where even the good guys, everyone in fact, has a dark side about them. I think in many ways it is true, we all have our secrets, some worse than others naturally, and I believe every one of us is capable of doing things we couldn't imagine being capable of. Thanks for the feedback.



> I didn’t understand the line If he’d been born five years later he’d have missed the whole show.



Happy to explain... If the caretaker's brother had been born five years later, he would have been too young to fight in the war. I think, and maybe others will be happy to come back on this one with thoughts of their own, but I think sometimes, when writing, you know the history of a character, even the stuff that doesn't go into the story, and perhaps this is more likely when given such a limited word count, as opposed to something novel or novella length. 


Scott.


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## Bruno Spatola (Jun 17, 2011)

Bilston Blue said:


> What is it you're not sure is right? That you assumed the incident was of a sexual nature, or the fact the incident was a sexual nature? I suppose the incident could be whatever you want it to be, but imagine something truly horrible and you're near the mark.



Yeah, I wasn't sure if what he did to the girl was sexual, violent, or just humiliating. I think it's best left unanswered anyway, to be honest. It's much more sinister that way and warrants multiple reads .  



Bilston Blue said:


> Your comment about the air of darkness surrounding the character, I think it comes from my youth and reading many Stephen King novels, where even the good guys, everyone in fact, has a dark side about them. I think in many ways it is true, we all have our secrets, some worse than others naturally, and I believe every one of us is capable of doing things we couldn't imagine being capable of.



It's an interesting subject. I agree, I think that dark side is in us all, in one way or another. I guess some suppress it better than others, hehe. Thanks for the great read .


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## spider8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Bruno Spatola said:


> I'm sorry you couldn't see where I was coming from, spider.



I believe I _can_ see where you're coming from; a shady cloud of thought.

But maybe it's best to drop it, if you can't reply to my points.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Jun 17, 2011)

Well-deserved win for LAF, I like a good comical story, (dunno if anyone's noticed). I mean, I say it was comical, but of course it was somewhat sad as well. The character's situation definately didn't lead me to laugh harder as a result of their misery... no, definately not... I threw a penny to a homeless guy once... I'M NOT EVIL DAMMIT. *awkwardly coughs*. But no, in all seriousness I found that side of it quite sad 

As for my garage thing, glad its wackiness was enjoyed somewhat. It was originally planned on a much grander scale, with an old man looking after some massive floating castle, but I decided a garage would be more interesting for some reason. To Bruno- yeah I quite like my commas, I'll try to ease up *looks over this post* I'll ease up later...

Congrats to all of the winners, thanks to the judges, and I like fuhrer's layout. Quite snazzy. Then again, I HATE CHANGE. Why can't we communicate via mail-carrying pidgeons like in the good ol' days?


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## Bruno Spatola (Jun 17, 2011)

Ah, there were only about four or five commas that stuck out to me, really. I don't think you need to ease up that much, if it all. I still gave you four outta five for punctuation . You've got a real knack for the surreal; thanks for the read, it made me laugh.


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## spider8 (Jun 18, 2011)

btw (off topic) if you get a post of Nick's up, look at the centre of the screen. Now, out of the corner of your eye, Nick's avatar looks like a woman in stockings and suspenders, sitting down with her hands on her lap. Wierd!

Is it just me?


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## bazz cargo (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi all,
Thank you Judges.( Especially Anna Buttons, you say the nicest things). 

Congratulations to LaFox, and Bilston, I appreciated your work even if I found it a bit too bleak for my taste.

Thanks ISW for making me smile, but my personal fave was 'A Promise To  The ocean' by Elite, I could not help myself using my imagination to  fill in the back story and what came next.

Everyone who posted won in a way, writing something that just had too be read.

I was impressed by the score card format. Clever.

I have posted an explanation about  my entry here,
http://www.writingforums.com/writin...-writing-fails-engage-reader.html#post1442520
Just to show how little I understand about writing.

The standards are getting so high I wonder if I can keep up, roll on the next one so I can find out.

My public apologies to LaFox for tweaking your tail, the sex scene idea was unbelievably crass of me, sorry.


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## elite (Jun 19, 2011)

bazz cargo said:


> Thanks ISW for making me smile, but my personal fave was 'A Promise To  The ocean' by Elite, I could not help myself using my imagination to  fill in the back story and what came next.





I know I still have a way to go, but , just


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