# Haunted House



## kasbar21 (Oct 18, 2015)

A short story that I have been toying with. Getting in to the spooky spirit of the season.

Haunted House​   "We shouldn'thave come in here." Jade hisses.
"Don't be such a wimp," Connor says. “You don’t really believe the rumours do you?It’s just an old house." I say nothing. We walk together in a tight group.The front door slams shut behind us. We all jump. The door slams hard, as iftrying to reprimand us for entering. I turn back, and try to open the door. It’s stuck shut. I turn to face the others, now I speak, as Connor leads the way forward.
"My grandma told me never to come here. Every Halloween she says 'the walls between the living and the dead are lowered,' I should have listened to her." Connor rolls his eyes.
"Your grandma's nuttier than a squirrel’s lunch, Lizzie." The floorboards creak with every move we make as if in protest of us being there. It’s as if the whole house is groaning and waking up. Everywhere I look there’s a thick coating of dust. 
   "They say that no one has been in here for years." Jade whispers. My boots are leaving prints in the dust on the floor.
"That’s just something they say to keep kids like us out of here." Connor replies. We keep walking along the hallway, looking around and trying to be as silent as possible. I’m at the back of the line of the three of us, and I feel as though I am being followed. I turn around expecting to see a person standing in the hallway. There is no one there. The door on the right of the hallway opens slowly, inviting us inside.
"Should we go in?" I ask.
"Well we need to find a way out. The front doors stuck."says Connor as he steps in to the room. Jade and I look ateach other, there’s nowhere else to go. We reluctantly walk inside. We look around the room.
"Lizzie. Do you think the rumours are true?" Jade asks me, without turning around.
"I hope they're not true. If this place really is haunted then we shouldn't be here." I hiss. There is an armchair with its back facing the door. I can see something at the top of the chair where a head should be. I freeze. My eyes widen at the thought of who, or what could be in that chair.Connor is getting closer to the chair. I hope he has seen what might be a person in the chair, and doesn't end up terrifying an innocent old lady. 
   I stand frozen tothe spot, my mind racing. Should I try and call out to Connor? Should we all tiptoe around the chair and try not to be seen? Should we announce ourselves so that if there is a person sitting there, they will know we’re here? Before I can decide, the door to the room slams behind us. We all physically jump. Jade and I let out involuntary screams. My heart is pounding and my breathing is heavy.
   We look at each other and then at Connor. He is laughing at us so hard that he's hardly making a sound. 
"How did I end up with you two wimps as friends?" He manages to say between laughs.
"It’s not funny Connor. We shouldn't behere." Jade shouts, her face getting red. Connor shakes his head and walks round to the front of the chair. Jade and I follow at a short distance.
   "It’s not really haunted. That was probably just the wind. There'sno one else here." As Connor says this, the lights go out. We are sent tumbling in to the darkness. 
"We need to get out of here." I whisper. 
The lights flicker. Jade and Connor are gone. The lights flicker again. I look for my friends. I hear footsteps behind me. Running. Getting louder, closer. It sounds as though someone is running straight at me.I can’t see anything but I leap to the side and land on the floor with a thud. The lights come back on, and I’m alone. 
   "Jade? Connor? If this is a joke it’s not funny." I call. There’s no reply. I need to get out of here. I pull the sleeves of my witch costume down over my hands, and wrap my arms around myself. It seems colder in here now. I hear a floorboard creak behind me. I turn. There's no one there. I need to get out of here now. I run to the door and try to open it. The handle is stuck. I try to open the window. It won’t budge. I look around the room searching for something, anything. I see a small statue on the fireplace. I pick it up. I hear a voice so quiet, its like a whisper on the breeze. 
"Stay. Stay here forever."
   I throw the statue with all of my strength at the window. The glass splinters and shines in the moonlight like flakes of glitter. I feel the cool night air on my face. I feel a hand on my shoulder and again hear the voice on the breeze.
"Stay."
Just for a second I feel calm. I think about staying for a moment longer now I know there’s a way out. Then I hear a scream. Immediately I run towards the now broken window and jump through the opening. Landing on the lawn I barely manage to stay upright. I scramble away from the house to the edge of the lawn, and finally stop, falling to my knees on the grass, panting, looking back at the house.
   The window I came through is no longer broken. I know I broke that window. I know I came through it. My hands are shaking like leafs in the wind. I need to find my friends, but I can't go back in to the house. I get up and start walking towards the house.The shutters on the windows begin banging fiercely. It sounds like the house is applauding me for getting back up.
   I stop and look at the house. Maybe the rumours are true. Maybe this place really is haunted. I have to find Connor and Jade. Maybe they had been scared when the lights went out, and they had run away. I tell myself this over and over again, but I don't believe it. I get as close as I dare to the window that I came through. I stand on my tiptoes but I can't see Connor or Jade.
   I walk around the right side of the house. A thick thorn bush blocks the path. Just for a second, I think I see a thorny branch twitch. I’m not willing to risk being caught by the house. I back away, keeping my eyes fixed on the rose bush until I’m out of reach. As I pass the window I came through. I see the lights flicker again. 
   I walk around theother side of the house and almost collide with Connor.
"Go, Go." He shouts. He drags me away from the house. He finally stops at the edge of the front lawn on the pavement. He bends over and holds his knees trying to catch his breath.
"Where’s Jade?" I ask. Connor shakes his head.
"I tried. It got her. A voice said 'Stay' and I tried to pull her away, but she wouldn't come. It was like she wanted to stay," He gasped. “I looked back and something took her. It was a bright light.”
   "We have to go and get her." I plead. Connor grabs my arm.
"No. It’s too late."
"We can't just leave her in there." I shout. Connor is looking at the house with his mouth hanging open. His eyes are wide, he looks terrified. I turn to see what he is looking at. In the upstairs window I can see Jade. She’s not in her Halloween costume anymore. She is wearing a white dress and her skin is pale, almost glowing. She is looking straight at us. She is mouthing something to us. At first I can’t hear what she is saying. Then a voice inside my head says,
"Come back. Come back and stay forever." I know the voice is inside my head, but it sounds like Jade’s voice. Connor and I turn to look ateach other. He doesn't have to say it. I know he heard it to. We start to walk away from the house.
   Every Halloween we visit the house. We never go in, and we never talk about what happened, but we leave flowers on the ground. Sometimes we see Jades ghost standing at the window. She hasn’t aged at all. She calls out to us and opens the door, but we don't reply. Then she sends a flock of bats out from the house to chase us away.


----------



## ra1902 (Oct 21, 2015)

A spooky little story.


----------



## kasbar21 (Oct 22, 2015)

Thanks. It's not the best thing I've ever written, but I am trying to get better at putting what I write out there. It's a little scary!


----------



## Abishai100 (Oct 28, 2015)

Yeah, I'm sorry they abandoned Jade and she remained a ghost in that creepy and haunted house.  The house seemed holistic and alive, so that was good writing.  However, some of the action seemed hurried, so you might consider condensing and spacing out the fast-paced action.  If however, you were going for the thrill-ride approach, then there's nothing too wrong with the Polaroid spook-fest feeling this story creates.  Have you considered writing a similar story in a cemetery setting?


----------



## kasbar21 (Oct 29, 2015)

Thank you. I was trying to make the house seem alive, I'm glad that came across. I submitted this for an assignment towards my Creative writing diploma and my tutor said the same about the action seeming hurried in places. I think it could definitely use some more work to get it to be the best it could be. Thanks for your feedback. I like the idea of writing something set in a cemetery. (Especially this time of year.) I am attempting a zombie story this NaNoWriMo due to an overdose on zombie fiction. Maybe the cemetery could feature there? Thanks again


----------



## Josh Colon (Oct 30, 2015)

I found it to be an interesting read.
And, I agree that parts of it seemed hurried.

But, this line : "My grandma told me never to come here. Every Halloween she says 'the walls between the living and the dead are lowered,' I should have listened to her." 

I wasn't sure if it was Lizzie or Jade who uttered it.

(One of my pet peeves . . I'm reading dialogue and it gets confusing who was saying what.)
Josh.


----------



## kasbar21 (Oct 31, 2015)

Hi Josh
Thanks for your comments. Even if it is a pet peeve, it is good to know! I thought because I had made the response to that line directed at Lizzie it would be obvious that she had said it. But that is clearly not the case, and it needs amending. Thank you. I am so thrilled that people are reading and commenting. It can only help make me a better writer surely! Thank you


----------



## DarkSunshine (Feb 8, 2016)

Hey Kasbar! A nice read! Just a few grammatical errors. I highlighted it for you in red. 

"We shouldn't(be sure to include a space here!)have come in here," Jade hissed.
"Don't be such a wimp," Connor says, “You don’t really believe the rumors do you?(space)It’s just an old house." 
I say nothing. We walk together in a tight group.The front door slams shut behind us. We all jump. The door slams hard, as if(space)trying to reprimand us for entering. I turn back, and try to open the door, but it’s stuck shut. I turn to face the others, now I speak(This part kind of confused me. Speak what?) as Connor leads the way forward.

Just few grammatical errors, but overall, it is a spooky story! I loved how you actually thought of the reader's mood and you guided us smoothly throughout the story. Well done! :encouragement:


----------



## kasbar21 (Feb 14, 2016)

Hi DarkSunshine. Thank you so much for your feedback. Something went wrong when I uploaded my story and it deleted all the spaces! I thought I had rectified them all but I must have missed a few. I am thinking of taking a grammar course soon. (I often get confused with my possessive and non-possessive grammar to.) Thanks again. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.


----------



## OccultAngel16 (May 7, 2016)

This is a well-written children's book, but the only problems that I see is grammar issues and issues with paragraphs (the entire story was hard to read with it all being in one paragraph).


----------



## kasbar21 (May 15, 2016)

Hi OccultAngel16 I have definitely learnt my lesson and will be much more careful when I upload something here in the future. Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad you liked the story. This is a piece I wrote during a writing course and its my least favourite thing that I have ever written. It's nice to hear positive things being said (or read positive things being typed) about it.


----------

