# Lunch Conversation



## tinacrabapple (Oct 22, 2014)

“You look tired,” my friend said as she put down her beer on the table between us.  I looked up and agreed, “Oh, I’m always feeling and apparently looking tired.  She nurses all through the night.”  The fat baby girl sat on my lap slapping the table.  I kissed the top of her head and imagined the blackness under my eyes.  

“She is a beautiful baby, but babies are parasites by literally sucking the life out of you.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.”

“Well, I’m telling you, so you know about it.”  And I took a sip of my water looking toward the kitchen wondering when the waitress would arrive with our food.  I hated it when my friend reminded me that she could not have children , since she had her hysterectomy.

“Where is that waitress?  I’m going to need another beer.”

“No kidding!”  I yelled, “Excuse me, can you let the waitress know that she needs another beer?”  The woman nodded as she rushed past with a stack of plates.

“Thanks!” I yelled after her.  “You know I’d join you, but I have to feed my friend here.  Hubby’s mother was here over the weekend drinking her ass off complaining that she couldn’t even enjoy a glass of wine with me.  She drank a magnum of Fetzer.  For one person, that’s a lot of wine.  Hubby complains I am teetotaling, because I told his mother she had enough and took the bottle after she drank half of it and was staggering and slurring. ‘I’m fine’, she sloshed as she sank to the floor to do a puzzle with John.”

“In my better days, I could drink one of those things by myself.”

“She did drink it by herself.”

“Yeah, but I could keep pace, know what I mean?”

And with a sarcastic sneered, I replied, “Who are you talking too?”  I took another sip of my water and winked at my friend.  Popping the baby on to do her business, I thought about my water.   The sacrifices a mother must make for her babies!


----------



## Greimour (Oct 22, 2014)

I'm not a fan of long dialogues to be honest, so my opinion here is a bit biased. Still, your prose isn't that bad. Just needs a tiny bit of work I think.

My first issue is that I don't see any purpose to the conversation. It's just idle chit-chat between two women. One of whom is drinking and the other who is looking after her baby daughter. For lunch time, the other woman is really stacking up the units. 

My biggest issue with the piece was probably portrayal of the emotions and tones between talking.



> “Well, I’m telling you, so you know about it.”  And I took a sip of my  water looking toward the kitchen wondering when the waitress would  arrive with our food.





> “No kidding!”  I yelled, “Excuse me, can you let the waitress know that  she needs another beer?”  The woman nodded as she rushed past with a  stack of plates.





> “Yeah, but I could keep pace, know what I mean?”
> 
> And I sneered, “Who are you talking too?”



The use of AND is out of place in both quotes which used it following speaking. 

Example rewrites:

_"Well I am telling you now. So now you do know." I __realized the level of venom in my tone was unwarranted, but god I was tired. I took a sip of my water and looked toward the kitchen wondering when our food would arrive._
~~
_
"Where is that waitress? I am going to need another beer."
_
_"No kidding. They are taking their sweet time." I spotted one of the other waitresses and yelled after her, "Excuse me. Can you let our waitress know we __need more drinks?" She nodded as she rushed passed with a stack of plates._

**Past =  before the present moment. **Passed is to pass by. Perhaps 'Rushed by' would be better.**
~~~

_“Yeah, but I could keep pace, know what I mean?”

I sneered, “Who are you talking too?”  I took another sip of my  water and popped the baby on to do her business.  The sacrifices a  mother must make for her babies!_

** I don't really get the animosity in that comment. 'Who are you talking to?' ? ... What was said that required that remark?  The natural response to what was said is "Yes" ... 'know what I mean?' - 'Yeah, I witnessed it plenty.'* ***

##

Finally: Teatotaling = Teetotaler 
"He complains I have gone teetotal"
or
"He complains I am a teetotaler because[...]"


On the whole, I just see a woman being crabby due to sleep deprivation. She seems to be suffering from Postpartum Depression a little bit too. Besides expressing that feeling of a mother with a newborn baby, I didn't see what this story shared or told. 

Other than that, it seems to me you were too focused on 'how to write it' rather than simply writing it. This is what I attributed to the few problems within. A few choice changes to the wording will make a huge difference but ultimately, the biggest problem for me is only that it lacked any purpose. It didn't _*do*_ anything and nothing _happened_.

Room for improvement, but the ability is there. Hope this response helps your future efforts.

Regards and well wishes,


~Kev.


----------



## tinacrabapple (Oct 22, 2014)

Thanks for reading.  Appreciate your time!


----------



## Greimour (Oct 22, 2014)

I totally didn't notice this was in Non-Fiction. I almost never come to the non-fiction thread I thought I was in fiction. o.0

I guess that changes my opinions on some things slightly. After all, you can only say what was said. 

Because it is true it is what it is, but still, how you tell it makes the difference. The word choices are important.

For example:

True: 

I yelled at the dog for peeing in the house.

Same thing: 

As the dog peed on my carpet a rage built up inside. I had only just let it back in from outside! I try to reign in my anger and fail as I realize the back door is still open. If it was a puppy, I could understand, but that's not the case. He only did this because he got shouted at five minutes earlier for chasing our cat again. As rage finally took over, I yelled and chased him back down the stairs and out the back door.

~~~

Even though you are working with a fact, there is plenty of room to play with word choices and how to tell it. The quotes I mentioned with misuse of 'And' still apply, along with teetotal spelling. But the end comment "who are you talking to?" ... I still don't see what warranted that response. By expanding on what is written, you can make the reason and meaning clearer.


~Kev


----------



## tinacrabapple (Oct 23, 2014)

I'm going to edit this some more and that may help clear up some of the questions/concerns you have.


----------



## Greimour (Oct 23, 2014)

It reads a lot better and the animosity is definitely gone. The words are mostly the same but the meanings have completely changed. The feelings that come across make a lot more sense too.

Nicely done.


~Kev.


----------

