# A murdering mum



## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

I need some advice. I am writing a novel about witches. I won't go into all the details of the story, but I will explain the parts that are relevant to my question. The main character is a very naive young girl. She has been hidden by her father on the Isle of Skye (Scotland). She was born a red witch, but she doesn't know it. The red witches are passionate, ambicious, but also cruel and cold at times. They are quite deceptive. A red witch can only become a full witch if she sacrifices her first born child to their God. They will get their full powers that way and will be accepted within their community. Failing to do to this will turn a red witch into a social outcast. My main character, Lily, was the first born child of a witch and this is why her dad is hiding her as he doesn't want his daughter to die. Her mother is the daughter of the red witch leader and so her embaracement over having failed the ritual is even higher. She has looked for her daughter all her life.

The chapters written from Lily's perspective (the naive girl) are generaly speaking received with enthousiasm by my target readers. I can make them feel connected to her. However the chapters written from Aleyah's perspective (the mother) are not. They find her cold and distant and say they don't like reading about a woman who wants to kill her own child. They simply don't feel connected to her. 

So this is where I need advice...

What can I do to make readers connect to a character who does things that are not accepted by society (and therefor the readers) like killing a child?


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## escorial (Feb 2, 2014)

make her rich and incotrol of many peoples ability to earn money


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## Charlaux (Feb 2, 2014)

It's hard to say without actually reading an excerpt of the mother's PoV to help understand the attitude towards killing her daughter. However from what you've said about the plot, your MC's mother has a genuine motive besides just being a meany, so the potential for if not sympathy, then understanding is there. It can be done, is just a challenge, all the more impressive if you can pull it off 

You mentioned that you need readers to at least suspend reflex disapproval of killing the child. A big part of that will be dunking them so far in the novel and the rules of the society you have invented - in your world, this is the norm. Are you writing this story in first or third person?


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

escorial said:


> make her rich and incotrol of many peoples ability to earn money



And why would that make readers connect to her?


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## J Anfinson (Feb 2, 2014)

One thing you could do is make it a no win situation. Like say, not only is the mother an outcast but the council of witches (or whatever) will slay one random child per week until she complies. Just a thought.


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## escorial (Feb 2, 2014)

I love the Columbo series and I never figured out why until years after..the story line always seemed to be about the successful, rich people that felt they were to clever to be caught...when I read about murder I always think of columbo Mistique!


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## Outiboros (Feb 2, 2014)

How does a witch who fails to kill her first-born child even become the leader of all witches? That's the exact opposite of being a social outcast.

Make her desperate and unwilling to do it. Perhaps her own mother is after her, and the only way to stave her off is to attain her full powers and usurp the throne of the red witches. It's either her or her daughter, and she hates that she's selfish enough to choose herself and that she doesn't have the courage to choose death - but she knows that if her mother kills her, her mother will attain her full power and do an assortment of evil deeds with it.


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## ppsage (Feb 2, 2014)

The way to make any character sympathetic is to have them react to their predicament with understandable human emotion. If they are trapped, they are angry, or despairing, or ... pick an emotional reaction and make it fit. If a character has to behave abhorrently, it's easier to keep them sympathetic if they do it from weakness. This doesn't mean they have NO strengths. Just in this case, the weakness turns the strengths awry. Cases must be shown, where the strengths have produced positive results, to warrant sympathy.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Charlaux said:


> It's hard to say without actually reading an excerpt of the mother's PoV to help understand the attitude towards killing her daughter. However from what you've said about the plot, your MC's mother has a genuine motive besides just being a meany, so the potential for if not sympathy, then understanding is there. It can be done, is just a challenge, all the more impressive if you can pull it off
> 
> You mentioned that you need readers to at least suspend reflex disapproval of killing the child. A big part of that will be dunking them so far in the novel and the rules of the society you have invented - in your world, this is the norm. Are you writing this story in first or third person?



Alright. One exerpt on the mum's PoV coming up 

Aleyah was born as the daughter of the tribe leader. Her mother is a very ambicious witch and so is she. Aleyah is expected to do better growing up than others her age as she is to take over leadership of the tribe. As a teenager she doesn't mind that as she loves being the best. She is very skilled so she is up to the task. She also loves the approval she gets from her mum because of it. All that makes her arrogant as a teenager. She thinks she can do anything and nobody can beat her. So she decides that she doesn't just want to do the ritual, but she wants to be the youngest red witch to do it ever. She goes out into the world to seduce a guy and get pregnant. This is where the first crack in her plan shows. Red witches tend to kill their mates, but because she is so young she develops feelings for him and leaves him rather than kills him. She lets the other witches think he is dead therefor increasing her glory. She gives birth to her first born daughter. That is where the second crack shows. She acts like she doesn't care, but because of her young age she develops feelings for her daughter as well. On the night of the ritual the guy shows up and again she fails to kill him again. He runs of with the child and she becomes a social outcast. She only manages to regain some of her status by becoming cold and cruel. She blaims her downfall on her daughter and more than anything wants to find her and finish the ritual.

Did that help?

I am writing this story in third person.

The book starts with a prologue of the failed ritual (from the mums perspective) and the first chapter is 19 years later when the baby has grown up (from the girls perspective) and stays in the 'normal' world for quite some time as we follow this young girl on the run after her dad has been killed by a stranger's attack (actually a red witch who has found them after she got her picture in the paper after winning a writing contest, but she doesn't know it as she doesn't know witches are real).

My test readers love my young girl, but hate the mother (and my writing in the process).


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## Jeko (Feb 2, 2014)

> What can I do to make readers connect to a character who does things that are not accepted by society (and therefor the readers) like killing a child?



Manipulate the reasoning behind the character's actions to be available for sympathy and/or understanding. A character can do anything as long as they have a motivation that makes sense; the baddies are usually given motivations that we frown upon, while the good guys have motivation we relate to and may wish to have ourselves. Having the character have a good motivation for an otherwise bad action is a good way of making them an even better character to aspire to.

The main thing to avoid is making the character appear weak and overcome by the evil she has to commit, unless that's the tragedy you're going for.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

J Anfinson said:


> One thing you could do is make it a no win situation. Like say, not only is the mother an outcast but the council of witches (or whatever) will slay one random child per week until she complies. Just a thought.



It is a thought and not a bad one, so thank you, but I don't want to change the plotline that much.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

escorial said:


> I love the Columbo series and I never figured out why until years after..the story line always seemed to be about the successful, rich people that felt they were to clever to be caught...when I read about murder I always think of columbo Mistique!



God, I love Columbo too. For me it was the character Columbo that did it and his sense of humor.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Outiboros said:


> How does a witch who fails to kill her first-born child even become the leader of all witches? That's the exact opposite of being a social outcast.
> 
> Make her desperate and unwilling to do it. Perhaps her own mother is after her, and the only way to stave her off is to attain her full powers and usurp the throne of the red witches. It's either her or her daughter, and she hates that she's selfish enough to choose herself and that she doesn't have the courage to choose death - but she knows that if her mother kills her, her mother will attain her full power and do an assortment of evil deeds with it.



She is not the tribe leader; her mum is. She can only take her rightful place if she finds her daughter and completes the ritual. 

The thing is, she can't be unwilling. Doing evil deads is considered a good thing among red witches. She wants the power.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

ppsage said:


> The way to make any character sympathetic is to have them react to their predicament with understandable human emotion. If they are trapped, they are angry, or despairing, or ... pick an emotional reaction and make it fit. If a character has to behave abhorrently, it's easier to keep them sympathetic if they do it from weakness. This doesn't mean they have NO strengths. Just in this case, the weakness turns the strengths awry. Cases must be shown, where the strengths have produced positive results, to warrant sympathy.




Yes, that is what I am trying to do. I more or less manage to come up with the understandable emotions, but struggle at showing them. The character isn't one to think about that sort of thing, so I can't have her think about it. She won't show those kind of emotions either as she would consider that weak. It has to show between the lines, but so far I am failing at doing that.


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## Jeko (Feb 2, 2014)

> It is a thought and not a bad one, so thank you, but I don't want to change the plotline that much.



An indestructible plot-line can often stifle a work's development. In the same way that our words are not precious, neither are our plot-lines.

If it comes down to it, don't be afraid to seriously change your story. It can enable it to reach its potential.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Cadence said:


> Manipulate the reasoning behind the character's actions to be available for sympathy and/or understanding. A character can do anything as long as they have a motivation that makes sense; the baddies are usually given motivations that we frown upon, while the good guys have motivation we relate to and may wish to have ourselves. Having the character have a good motivation for an otherwise bad action is a good way of making them an even better character to aspire to.
> 
> The main thing to avoid is making the character appear weak and overcome by the evil she has to commit, unless that's the tragedy you're going for.



Agreed! No weak witch here. She full well wants to do the evil. Her motivation is ambition and a desire to be respected.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Cadence said:


> An indestructible plot-line can often stifle a work's development. In the same way that our words are not precious, neither are our plot-lines.
> 
> If it comes down to it, don't be afraid to seriously change your story. It can enable it to reach its potential.



I agree with that. I would change the plotline if I felt it needed, but only if the change improves it and I am not convinced of that.


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## Jeko (Feb 2, 2014)

> Agreed! No weak witch here. She full well wants to do the evil. Her motivation is ambition and a desire to be respected.



Then maybe you shouldn't write from her POV. It may be the jarring change between good and evil that puts your readers off. I'd like relate to her as an antagonist much more than I would as a POV character.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Cadence said:


> Then maybe you shouldn't write from her POV. It may be the jarring change between good and evil that puts your readers off. I'd like relate to her as an antagonist much more than I would as a POV character.



Yes, I've wondered about using her POV or not. She is the main antagonist of the story, but I also would like to write some of the chapters (most chapters will be from the perspective of my main character) from her perspective to give the story more depth and her a more round character. She isn't just evil; she has reasons for being like that.

Does a character being an antagonist exclude her being a POV character?


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## J Anfinson (Feb 2, 2014)

Mistique said:


> I agree with that. I would change the plotline if I felt it needed, but only if the change improves it and I am not convinced of that.



My own novel is seeing a radical transformation right now, and it's because the father I've gotten into it, the more the characters are starting to show me what really happened. It's frustrating because I'll have to change a great deal to fit their demands, but they've convinced me that they are right. So it may be that you might benefit from continuing the story until one of the characters reveals what you're missing.


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## Outiboros (Feb 2, 2014)

Mistique said:


> She is not the tribe leader; her mum is. She can only take her rightful place if she finds her daughter and completes the ritual.
> 
> The thing is, she can't be unwilling. Doing evil deads is considered a good thing among red witches. She wants the power.


Evidently, not all red witches conform to that stereotype. The main character doesn't. Why can't her mother be unwilling?

If you want her mother to be relatable, you'll have to change her character. Good people doing bad things is infinitely more interesting than bad people doing bad things.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

J Anfinson said:


> My own novel is seeing a radical transformation right now, and it's because the father I've gotten into it, the more the characters are starting to show me what really happened. It's frustrating because I'll have to change a great deal to fit their demands, but they've convinced me that they are right. So it may be that you might benefit from continuing the story until one of the characters reveals what you're missing.



It's funny you say that, because I've found my characters to be quite demanding at times as well. Refusing to say or do certain things. I think one of my problems is that I can't connect as well with this mum as I can with other characters.


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## Mistique (Feb 2, 2014)

Outiboros said:


> Evidently, not all red witches conform to that stereotype. The main character doesn't. Why can't her mother be unwilling?
> 
> If you want her mother to be relatable, you'll have to change her character. Good people doing bad things is infinitely more interesting than bad people doing bad things.



No, the red withes do conform. My main character has been taken out of that world and doesn't know the witches ways. She doesn't know that she is a red witch.

Yes, I agree with the need for a character change. I'm not sure how yet. She's not meant to be good or bad. She is meant to do bad things, that aren't considered bad in her world. Its also infinitely more scary if someone likable does something evil.


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## Morkonan (Feb 2, 2014)

Mistique said:


> ....What can I do to make readers connect to a character who does things that are not accepted by society (and therefor the readers) like killing a child?



Elric of Melnibone, Gerrald Terrant... Scarlett O'Hara.

Elric of Melnibone, of "The Elric Saga" by the wonderful Moorcock, is the ultimate troubled hero. Cruel to an extent that even makes the gods cringe and with undeniable power that could have been used for good, Elric eventually turns it to the destruction of his entire race, just because he was ticked off and that's the way he rolls... 

In our introduction to Gerrald Terrant's past in C.S. Friedman's "Coldfire" series, we're gifted with a wonderful family scene. Gerrald is in the basement of his castle, murdering his family. Wife and kids... nothing but blood and eyeballs left. And, he certainly does it for all the right reasons. Well, *the* Right Reason - Power.

Ah, beautiful Scarlett, from Mitchell's "Gone With the Wind." She has everything and everyone in the palm of her hand. Ravishing beauty coupled with the most shallow puddle of altruism this side of the Mason-Dixon line. But, by the time Scarlett gets introduced to "Real Life", it's just too late. It took the most destructive war in United State's history to wake poor Scarlett up.... and nobody gave a ______. 

You need an anti-hero.

You need to sit down in your prospective anti-hero's shoes and look through their eyes. What is it that your anti-hero seeks through the commission of these dastardly acts? Power? OK, "power" for what? If it's "power" to affect selfish ends, like making sure that her hair never turns gray, then it's going to be hard for your Readers to "connect" (Empathize) with this character. Well, at least I hope it will be... But, what if it's power in order to counter the dastardly doings of a majorly evil power? What if by sacrificing her child, she can gain the power to save an entire city full of children? What if that child's sacrifice would grant immortality to all of mankind? What if the death of that child will cause Starbucks to have "Two for One" Saturdays and all pieces of double-chocolate pie would be half-off? 

First, make the mother troubled. Give her some "hard times" in her past. Give her enough personal anguish so that the Reader can expect that her rope is just not going to be wound too tight where certain things are concerned. Let her have grown up in a time of extreme hardships, where children weren't named until they were three years old, since nobody expected them to live that long, anyway. Let her have been kept prisoner by some evil nasty guy, tortured for years and then released as a broken shell of the woman she once was. Let her have killed her own husband in rage after finding him abusing their daughter/son/neighbor/another woman/whatever... In short - Build up the image of a very troubled woman who has somehow had the inner strength to make it this far through a life that any Reader would consider... unenviable.

Now, give her some very strict moral/ethical principles. You can not build a house on sand and you can not build an anti-hero who has no values at all. Even the most chaotic of anti-heroes has at least one principle that they will not violate. Sure, it may be "Always serve yourself", but at least it's consistent and the Reader can expect the anti-hero to act accordingly. This moral/ethical/personal value might change due to events that transpire in the story, but it will be strongly present when it's first introduced.

Next, build upon both the character's terrible history, which you've related, and their seemingly immutable beliefs in order to give the Reader a firm foundation for understanding the character's motives and relating to them, at least in the methods that the character is using. If I felt strongly enough about getting two Cafe Mocha's for the price of one at Starbucks, I might just knife that daughter in the dark, myself. (Don't tempt me with double chocolate pie...)

Your "Mother" character will not be a complete "Anti-Hero." But, if it's your desire to convince the Reader to empathize with her as she commits horrendous acts, then you'll probably need to use some of the tools used to build up a good Anti-Hero.


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## Charlaux (Feb 3, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Alright. One exerpt on the mum's PoV coming up
> 
> Aleyah was born as the daughter of the tribe leader. Her mother is a very ambicious witch and so is she. Aleyah is expected to do better growing up than others her age as she is to take over leadership of the tribe. As a teenager she doesn't mind that as she loves being the best. She is very skilled so she is up to the task. She also loves the approval she gets from her mum because of it. All that makes her arrogant as a teenager. She thinks she can do anything and nobody can beat her. So she decides that she doesn't just want to do the ritual, but she wants to be the youngest red witch to do it ever. She goes out into the world to seduce a guy and get pregnant. This is where the first crack in her plan shows. Red witches tend to kill their mates, but because she is so young she develops feelings for him and leaves him rather than kills him. She lets the other witches think he is dead therefor increasing her glory. She gives birth to her first born daughter. That is where the second crack shows. She acts like she doesn't care, but because of her young age she develops feelings for her daughter as well. On the night of the ritual the guy shows up and again she fails to kill him again. He runs of with the child and she becomes a social outcast. She only manages to regain some of her status by becoming cold and cruel. She blaims her downfall on her daughter and more than anything wants to find her and finish the ritual.
> 
> ...



She sounds like a well thought out character then, but as writers we all find different characters more reflexive. I don't think you should scrap the idea of including her POV - as you said it will add diversity, and help to flesh out the cultural context of your story. It might be more difficult but it definitely isn't impossible. Have you tried a lot of character exercises? Like writing a monologue from her perspective? I think there is a thread around these forums where we listed the traits we couldn't forgive in a character, when deciding if they are likeable - might be worth digging up, and getting your beta readers to pinpoint exactly what it is they can't find to connect with. Have you read Gone Girl? I thought that was a good example of using two conflicting POV's in a way that there's balance - at least there was for me, it was written so well I was decidedly neutral, but definitely not indifferent


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## MrsC (Feb 4, 2014)

Does it really matter if your readers don't connect all that well with the mother? If they dislike her and are struggling to understand her, that to me, suggests you have created a character that has provoked a reaction which in itself is a connection in a sense.

I have read lots of books where I have struggled with the actions of an antagonist but as long as their actions fit the overall plot of the story and are relevant to the main character then I can still enjoy the book. 

I agree with others though that giving the reader more insight about why the mother makes the choices she does would give an opportunity to understanding and even empathy but the action you are dealing with is always going to cause an emotive reaction.


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## Mistique (Feb 4, 2014)

Morkonan said:


> Elric of Melnibone, Gerrald Terrant... Scarlett O'Hara.
> 
> Elric of Melnibone, of "The Elric Saga" by the wonderful Moorcock, is the ultimate troubled hero. Cruel to an extent that even makes the gods cringe and with undeniable power that could have been used for good, Elric eventually turns it to the destruction of his entire race, just because he was ticked off and that's the way he rolls...
> 
> ...



Thank you very much for taking the time to write this. I'm going to have to read it a few times, since its a lot of information, but I can already tell that this is going to help. I( think I am going to use this and Charlaux's advice to make some chances in Aleyah's character.


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## Mistique (Feb 4, 2014)

Charlaux said:


> She sounds like a well thought out character then, but as writers we all find different characters more reflexive. I don't think you should scrap the idea of including her POV - as you said it will add diversity, and help to flesh out the cultural context of your story. It might be more difficult but it definitely isn't impossible. Have you tried a lot of character exercises? Like writing a monologue from her perspective? I think there is a thread around these forums where we listed the traits we couldn't forgive in a character, when deciding if they are likeable - might be worth digging up, and getting your beta readers to pinpoint exactly what it is they can't find to connect with. Have you read Gone Girl? I thought that was a good example of using two conflicting POV's in a way that there's balance - at least there was for me, it was written so well I was decidedly neutral, but definitely not indifferent



Thank you for your comments. Those character exercises is a great idea and I will definately look up up that thread. I need to connect to Aleyah more so her voice becomes more clear in my mind. No, I haven't read Gone Girl, but I am going to now


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## Mistique (Feb 4, 2014)

MrsC said:


> Does it really matter if your readers don't connect all that well with the mother? If they dislike her and are struggling to understand her, that to me, suggests you have created a character that has provoked a reaction which in itself is a connection in a sense.
> 
> I have read lots of books where I have struggled with the actions of an antagonist but as long as their actions fit the overall plot of the story and are relevant to the main character then I can still enjoy the book.
> 
> I agree with others though that giving the reader more insight about why the mother makes the choices she does would give an opportunity to understanding and even empathy but the action you are dealing with is always going to cause an emotive reaction.



You do have a point there. Readers don't have to like the mum and you are right I am stiring emotions so that is good in a way. But it's not good if they throw my book away because of it.


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## Mistique (Feb 4, 2014)

Alright. I have translated the prologue (my original story is in Dutch as I am Dutch) for you to have a look at. Forgive me if my spelling or grammar are off, but its not my first language. You can comment on spelling errors if you wish, but that is not the aim of this thread. I would greatly appreciate it if you could comment on Aleyah's character and how 'human' she is or isn't. I didn't think she was that cold, but just let me know what you think. Any other comments would be appreciated as well. Oh for your information: this part of the story is in Namibia (otherwise the strange trees and it being a desert and stuff like that might seem odd ) The red witches live in Duwisib castle (an excisting German build castle in Namibia). Oh and this prologue isn't finished yet. I still need to add the end of it where the child's father safes her, Aleyah fails to kill him and he takes the child away.

Here it goes:



Moments before midnight Aleyah left the castle with her baby in a wrap against her chest and a burning torch in her right hand. A soft breeze played with her fire-red dress. The dry grass tickled her ankles. She looked up. There was a full moon and the sky was littered with stars. One by one they looked down on her – the witches from before – and stood witness. She walked past several trees, but in the dark she could not distinguish a camel thorn from a sweet thorn or a Shepard’s tree. Not that she cared about that. She had not come for trees. Every now and then a branch scrapped her arm or leg and, although that would have annoyed her in any other moment, it felt oddly pleasant. The sharpness of the pain was real and that made her feel real. Crickets chirped, bushes rustled and she heard the distant scream of a gecko. Nature waited.

A branch cracked.

She increased her pace.

Walking across the dessert she remembered every witch that had gone before her. Every story that had been told by the fire. Every moment in which as a child she had crawled, with the other children, in the burning sun across the sacrificial area to clear it of plants and rocks. Like an invisible force her memories dragged her to this moment and forced her to a stop. It was like her life – all nineteen years – had only served to get her here. It was all she had ever wanted. She had spent endless nights with her mother – going over every detail of the ritual – until there was a connection between them that could not be severed. She had never had any doubts. Until now. Now she felt that warm glow against her breasts. That little heart that pounded against her own as if it tried to get in. With every move she made it moaned softly. Less than a week ago it had been nothing to her but a growth in her belly. A reason for the pains in her back, her swollen legs and that intense fatigue. Nobody – with all their stories – had prepared her for that little heart.

She had almost missed the sacrificial area.

There was a pentagram drawn in the sand and in the middle stood a stone altar. The torch made the black marble sparkle. On each point of the pentagram waited an unlit torch. A simple table next to the altar carried the objects that she knew so well. The silver chalice, a thick candle, the wooden box, the silver gong and of course the athame. The holy knife usually rested in the safe – on which only her mother knew the combination – and it had been added to the scene in the last moment.

Aleyah walked in a circle around the altar and lighted the torches.

“I clean this area with the power of fire,”

She walked a second circle.

“With this circle I embraced the sacred spot,”

She walked a third and last circle.

“Witches from before, woman of fire, I evoke thee.”

Again and again her mum had made her repeat the words. Even after she had become flawless. Repeat it, her mum said, keep repeating it. Eventually Aleyah had screamed out that she was fed up and that only a club could beat it out of her mind. To no avail. Keep repeating it. Nu she understood why. That routine was her only weapon against that little heart that dominated her every thought.

Carefully Aleyah attached the torch to the table. She hit the gong and exhaled slowly whilst the sound – like a scream from deep within her body – poured into the world. She opened the wrap and fluently placed the child, on her back, on the table. It started to cry. Why did it have to do that? Couldn’t it be silent fort his one short moment? Was that too much to ask? Aleyah swallowed hard. She opened the wooded box a little too fast and made the herbs, that had been inside, spill all over the floor. With trembling hands she picked them up and placed them in the four corners on the table. She used the candle to light them. The smoke impregnated the air with passionflower and chamomile and like an invisible alley brought peace to her and the child. Aleyah placed the silver chalice inside an open space in the table intended to collect the blood. She needed every drop. She stepped back.

“Be welcome, Deva, I evoke thee. As you will it, so shall it be.”

Dark clouds gathered in the distance. The wind increased. From deep within the flame of each torch a black mist formed which tormenting slow, against the wind, floated to the middle of the table. There it stayed. For a moment nothing happened. Aleyah had heard about this moment so many times before, but now she realized that those were only words and could not compare. The mist twisted and slowly took shape until there was a silhouette of a man before her. It was him and she knew it. She gasped and fell to her knees.

“You are only nineteen.”

His voice was nothing like thunder, as many had claimed. It was deceptively gentle. For a moment it made her forget everything, even that little heart. She lowered her head even further towards the ground.

“Yes, my lord,” she said softly. “yet I give her to you.”


The man leaned forward and his breath touched the child.

“She will do.”

Aleyah stood up, walked to the table and grabbed the athame. The cold steel seemed to take on the shape of her hand. She felt the eyes of the child, but didn’t look. Instead her eyes followed the shape of the table.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Then start!”

“I, Aleyah, will serve you, Deva, for as long as I live. I offer you my blood…”

She put the knife against the tip of her right index finger and pressed. A bloody pearl appeared. She leaned across the altar, like it was a crib, and stretched her hand towards the child. The little girl stared and this time managed to catch her eyes. Aleyah’s lips spoke, but her eyes stayed with her daughter.

“… and that of my child…”

Aleyah marked her daughter with Deva’s symbol. देव

“I am, and will always be, yours. Even after my death. I am one with you.”

“As I will it, so shall it be.”

A red butterfly detached itself from a mole on Aleyah’s shoulder. Gracefully it flew through the air and landed on Deva’s palm. Slowly he closed his hand. Deva disappeared into a dark cloud that hovered above the table. Despite it all Aleyah could not detach herself from her daughter’s gaze. Two perfect copies of her own eyes. She hadn’t  noticed that before. She saw and heard nothing. Not even the man that approached her from the distance and who’s eyes – only months before – had fascinated her almost as much as her daughter’s now did.


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## Charlaux (Feb 5, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Moments before midnight Aleyah left the castle with her baby in a wrap against her chest and a burning torch in her right hand. A soft breeze played with her fire-red dress. The dry grass tickled her ankles. She looked up. There was a full moon and the sky was littered with stars. One by one they looked down on her – the witches from before – and stood witness.



^ I think here would be a good opportunity to add something to hint at perhaps the expectancy or whatever else Aleyah might feel from her ancestors, as my sneaky plot insight has told me that they are the main reason for killing the child. Some clue as to your MC’s attitude to them – reverence, fear, peace, admiration? 




> She walked past several trees, but in the dark she could not distinguish a camel thorn from a sweet thorn or a Shepard’s tree. Not that she cared about that. She had not come for trees. Every now and then a branch scrapped her arm or leg and, although that would have annoyed her in any other moment, it felt oddly pleasant. The sharpness of the pain was real and that made her feel real. Crickets chirped, bushes rustled and she heard the distant scream of a gecko. Nature waited.
> 
> A branch cracked.
> 
> ...



^ Opportunity to add in her thoughts on this being the final step – i.e. does she want to get it out of the way, is it the hardest step for her so far?



> She had almost missed the sacrificial area. (< wonderfully telling)
> There was a pentagram drawn in the sand and in the middle stood a stone altar. The torch made the black marble sparkle. On each point of the pentagram waited an unlit torch. A simple table next to the altar carried the objects that she knew so well. The silver chalice, a thick candle, the wooden box, the silver gong and of course the athame. The holy knife usually rested in the safe – on which only her mother knew the combination – and it had been added to the scene in the last moment. ['left for her'?]
> 
> Aleyah walked in a circle around the altar and lighted the torches.
> ...



^ here, instead of saying that the child is dominating her thoughts, you could have her notice the child again, show us how she sees the child mid-ritual with those memories of her mother in her mind if that makes sense. Does it harden her resolve, or make her resentful?


Had your beta readers objected to the mother by this point? While reading, I didn’t find her a dislikable character at all, though perhaps I'd have to wait for her to prepare to do the deed (it's not clear that she means to kill the baby) and for the upcoming fight with the father to see her get her claws out. She's carrying the baby in a blanket, not at arms reach, with other people expecting it of her - at this point there's clearly more to her situation than pure evil. You could add the occasional bit of insight into her motivation and the expectation on her from others (and herself) to develop that impression, but I think this is a very good start to the story.


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## Mistique (Feb 5, 2014)

Charlaux, thank you very much for that. It was very helpful. I'll definately have a look at those suggestions as I think they can increase the emotional tension of the scene. Yes, my readers objected strongly to the mother at this point. They strongly resented her and the story. They found her heartless. One stated that, being a mum herself, she didn't want to read about this sort of thing. Another didn't like the concept of witches at all. A third wanted my witches to be 'nicer', but they aren't meant to be the nice ones in the story. I think that looking back I picked the wrong readers. It's meant for young adults and they were the other writers (and teacher) of my writingclass. Especially the teacher came down on me hard. But it's quite an elite writing school that isn't particular keen on fantasie writers. I'm glad she doesn't come across as pure evil, because she isn't meant to be. Thanks.


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## bazz cargo (Feb 10, 2014)

Hi Mistique,
you have picked a tough job, making a bad person likeable enough to relate too. I have cheated in the past by making the baddy look normal or even a goodie until the reveal. 

I had to have a think about this, and my thoughts lead me to the relationship. A mother's love has been used as a motivator for all sorts of evil actions. Pride, arrogance and prejudice are all  useful tools. How many mothers stand by their children despite the awful truth that their kids have done some terrible things. Think Kray twins. Why can't this psychological force work both ways?

It is possible that you will come across the resolution to your problem later in the book and come back to re-edit the beginning to fit. Don't get hung up or you won't complete, just keep going round in circles. 

Good luck.
Bazz


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## T.S.Bowman (Feb 10, 2014)

Cadence said:


> An indestructible plot-line can often stifle a work's development. In the same way that our words are not precious, neither are our plot-lines.
> 
> If it comes down to it, don't be afraid to seriously change your story. It can enable it to reach its potential.



I am not one for planning out my writing. I go more by the way it feels.

I know what I like to read and I try to write accordingly.

There have been several unplanned plot shifts in the novel I am working on. You can't (or maybe just shouldn't) insist the story do something it keeps trying to tell you it doesn't want to do.


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## Jeko (Feb 11, 2014)

> You can't (or maybe just shouldn't) insist the story do something it keeps trying to tell you it doesn't want to do.



Definitely; the more you focus on what the story wants, and what the characters want, the more fluid your story can become, and the easier it should be to shape. Becoming attached to certain elements of it, however, creates an obstacle to manipulation - though the creation of 'darlings' that we have to kill may be inevitable.


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## T.S.Bowman (Feb 11, 2014)

Yeah. What Cadence said. LOL.

He/she (sorry, I don't know which it is) put it a whole lot more eloquently than I could. But that's what I meant.


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