# Thoughts on mayonnaise



## Tiamat (Nov 30, 2011)

I made tuna salad a little while ago, and we didn't have any good mayonnaise to use.  After shuffling things around inside the fridge, the only thing I could find was the fat free stuff.  First of all, it tastes like what I imagine cancer would taste like.  Second of all, it probably does cause cancer.  Third of all, how the eff is it possible to make mayonnaise fat free?

Mayonnaise = eggs + oil.

That's it.  That's all there is to mayonnaise.  I could see maybe using egg whites in lieu of the whole egg, since the yolks are where all the fat is.  But oil?  Oil _is _fat.  

I conclude, therefore, that this crap that tasted like cancer is not actually mayonnaise.  It's a white, creamy substance that someone deceivingly called mayonnaise so that stupid, lazy people would buy it and believe they'll lose weight without having to work for it.

By the way, I read the ingredients--it was a list of things I couldn't pronounce, which only furthers my theory that it is not actually mayonnaise and probably causes cancer.

That is all.


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## moderan (Dec 1, 2011)

They make it with egg white and emulsified corn syrup. It's essentially sugar-free (not to mention  nutrition-free) marshmallow fluff. I've had to make the stuff when I worked briefly in a veggie restaurant. Corn syrup is incredibly versatile, as is tofu. Sometimes it even tastes good. Unlike tofu. It's the same stuff as fat-free creamy anything dressing. The emulsifiers are the yard-long chemical names.
Technically speaking, mayonnaise is egg _yolk_ plus oil. Salt helps flavor it.


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## Rob (Dec 1, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> I made tuna salad a little while ago, and we didn't have any good mayonnaise to use.  After shuffling things around inside the fridge ...


Couldn't you just go out and buy some? Didn't you check, before you made the tuna salad, that you had some mayonnaise? Don't make life any harder than it needs to be.

Think mayonnaise! Everybody!!


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## Bloggsworth (Dec 1, 2011)

Most people have _salad-cream_, which is emulsion paint with vinegar...

I don't get the point of an egg-white omlette, it must taste like a badly cooked meringue without the sugar. Before the drug companies invented statins; bombarding doctors and health authorities with "_You'll die tomorrow if you don't take these_" messages written on the sides of the jumbo-jets taking them to essential conferences, inconveniently placed beside golf-courses in the Bahamas or Sun City; nobody batted an eyelid if your cholesterol was around 10....


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## Leyline (Dec 1, 2011)

Hellman's is the only true widely commercially available mayonnaise, and it's inferior to fresh home-made.The less said about the abomination known as 'Miracle Whip', the better.


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## JosephB (Dec 1, 2011)

It's a miracle that people actually eat that stuff. Yuck. Horrible.

Southern cooks know the best mayonnaise and closest to homemade is Dukes, mainly because it has no sugar -- but it's only available in the Southeast. My mama wouldn't allow any other brand in the house, and I won't either. My sister lives in Toronto and has been known to smuggle a few jars back over the border.


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## Rustgold (Dec 1, 2011)

How long do you think deshelled egg-mass naturally lasts?
How long does mayo last?

You can't have long life products without a cost involved.


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## Bloggsworth (Dec 1, 2011)

If you make it fresh it doesn't need a long shel life...


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## JosephB (Dec 1, 2011)

You could probably say that about a lot of things. It's really all about convenience -- and obviously, there's a trade-off.


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## Rob (Dec 1, 2011)

Leyline said:


> Hellman's is the only true widely commercially available mayonnaise, and it's inferior to fresh home-made.


Good point.


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## Writ-with-Hand (Dec 1, 2011)

I've learned more about mayonnaise in this one thread then the sum of what I knew about it during my whole life. :-|

Never heard of Dukes. Didn't know people were so particular about their mayonnaise either.


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## moderan (Dec 1, 2011)

> Leyline said:
> 
> 
> > Hellman's is the only true widely commercially  available mayonnaise, and it's inferior to fresh home-made.
> ...


Agreed. Hellman's has some body to it, unlike Kraft. They do market that product under other names to foodservice and through some store brands, though. It's pretty easy to spot which ones if you use them. I'll let you guess *cough* Best Foods *cough*.


Writ-with-Hand said:


> I've learned more about mayonnaise in this one thread then the sum of what I knew about it during my whole life. :-|
> 
> Never heard of Dukes. Didn't know people were so particular about their mayonnaise either.



Things don't taste right or feel right on the tongue if you don't use at least Hellman's. I grew up a couple miles or so from their original plant so I grew up on the stuff, though fresh is much better and ridiculously easy to make.
I don't care for Duke's, which tastes slightly vinegary. I do like Miracle Whip for some things, though. The peculiar tartness of the product has its uses.


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## j.w.olson (Dec 1, 2011)

Mix some curry in and it'll taste better. Tuna + Mayo + curry = deliciousness that you can scoop up with crackers. I don't know if it'll cover up the scandalous fat free stuff's tainted flavor, but it might even, with enough curry


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## Terry D (Dec 1, 2011)

It's gotta be Miracle Whip -- I don't trust any food that doesn't come out of a nice clean laboratory:congratulatory:


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## themooresho (Dec 1, 2011)

Terry D said:


> It's gotta be Miracle Whip -- I don't trust any food that doesn't come out of a nice clean laboratory:congratulatory:



You sound like my wife.  For me, I'm reluctant to eat anything that was never part of the food chain, although I am somewhat of a hypocrite considering the fact that I still indulge in a Mountain Dew every opportunity I find.


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## Foxee (Dec 1, 2011)

> Corn syrup is incredibly versatile, as is tofu. Sometimes it even tastes good. Unlike tofu.


LOL! Mod's going to get hate-mail from all those tofu addicts out there.

Okay, tofu addict.

Wait...there's not even ONE?


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## JosephB (Dec 1, 2011)

I marinate slabs of tofu and grill it. I like to stir-fry with it too. It absorbs flavors well, it has a good taste and texture if it's cooked right. I do get a little tired of the tofu bashers. Food is like music -- everyone has his own tastes and preferences. If I don't like a certain food, I try to resist the urge to say it doesn't taste good -- period. Maybe it just doesn't taste good to me.


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## ppsage (Dec 1, 2011)

Unopened and correctly preserved in canning jars, real mayo ought to have a decent shelf life; at least several months. Not sure how much the preserving process affects it though. Tofu definitely has a place in my food chain although I generally let professionals prepare it. Champagne, who cooks at Tim's Thai booth, does a tofu pho great for icy mornings and I prefer tofu to meat in yellow curry. Gotta saute it seperate and properly.


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## garza (Dec 1, 2011)

Real mayonnaise needs a shelf life of about 30 minutes. Make it immediately before use. The stuff that come out of a jar cannot claim to be real mayonnaise. 

For a Caribbean tang in that tuna sandwich, mix the egg yolk with fresh (not tinned) coconut oil along with vinegar in which you have simmered a chipped up habanero pepper and slivers of ginger.


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## moderan (Dec 1, 2011)

Foxee said:


> LOL! Mod's going to get hate-mail from all those tofu addicts out there.
> 
> Okay, tofu addict.
> 
> Wait...there's not even ONE?


Apparently there is. ^waves at Joe
Tofu is a near-food product. Almost makes it into the food chain. Almost.
I can't stand curry, either.
*shrugs*
Tonight we had nice grilled burgers with fresh mayo and chopped olives on onion rolls. No curry or tofu were harmed. However, a sweet potato was sacrificed to the cause.
And for the hatemail? That's moderanathatemailformedotcomedy.


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## Tiamat (Dec 1, 2011)

Hellman's is the only store bought kind of mayo I like.  Kraft, eh.  Miracle Whip, ew ew EW!  But that's just me.  Actually, the best mayo I've ever had (from a store) was in Norway.  The mayo that make over there is beyond yummy.  Mmmm... Mayo and bread.  That's what I miss the most about Norway.  (Not really.  But almost.)  

As for tofu, it pretty much tastes like whatever you cook it with.  I'm not a big fan, but I don't hate it.


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## Olly Buckle (Dec 1, 2011)

This thread brought back memories. When I was a kid on holiday in France my job just before dinner was to carefully drip in the oil as Madame beat the eggs to make the mayonnaise.
My first wife was from Japan and in those days you could hardly find tofu here, we used to grind up soya beans and boil them, then press them for the 'milk'. When it is curdled the solid part makes tofu. I wonder what happens to the rest of it when they make the commercial stuff (if they actually use soya). The liquid we used to very gently boil down and lift off the skin on top every so often to make little vegetable 'parcels' with, the left over 'bran' stuff made the most delicious veggie burgers with a really good texture, not like soggy bean burgers.

Tiamat10 is right, all you people eating that imitation stuff out of cans and jars are going to die horribly of cancer, not only that, if you never tasted the real food you never really lived. That stuff may save you time and effort, but what are you going to use that time and effort for that is better than making great food together and eating it?


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## JosephB (Dec 2, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> As for tofu, it pretty much tastes like whatever you cook it with.



It's pretty much a protein blank slate, much like chicken. I've also found people tend to like it better if you call it "bean curd."


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## Bruno Spatola (Dec 2, 2011)

I have tofu in my egg-fried rice. My mum fries it in soy sauce or something -- I'm not sure, but it's delicious. As for mayonnaise, we always make it fresh at chez Bruno :untroubled:. We have a jar of Hellman's, though, because I don't like homemade mayo with chips/fries. Tastes weird to me, but I've never had it cold. Will try that next time.

One thing I'm starting to love is tartar sauce with chips and peas. Ooh, and horseradish or mustard seeds in my mashed potatoes. Mmmm.

I used to have ketchup with every meal, but I didn't have any for years at one point. When I had some with chips again for the first time, it was utterly disgusting. I will _never_ like mint/cranberry/apple sauce.

Coleslaw is growing on me, fast, but it needs to have just the right amount of acidity to it and not too much carrot or I find it inedible. With the right balance, corn on the cob and homemade beans, 'tis heavenly.


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## moderan (Dec 2, 2011)

Bruno Spatola said:


> Coleslaw is growing on me, fast, but it needs to have just the right amount of acidity to it and not too much carrot or I find it inedible. With the right balance, corn on the cob and homemade beans, 'tis heavenly.



You might want to have a doctor look at that. I understand it's caused by warm mayo.


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## Olly Buckle (Dec 2, 2011)

> I used to have ketchup with every meal, but I didn't have any for years at one point. When I had some with chips again for the first time, it was utterly disgusting. I will never like mint/cranberry/apple sauce.


You don't mention Berridge's Brown Sauce, perfect for breakfast rolls and polishing silver.
Nelson Garvey Extract - YouTube


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## Kyle R (Dec 2, 2011)

It's funny, yesterday I had the same problem. I found a can of tuna and thought to myself, simply, "I want to eat that." And so I pried open the can and, to my surprise, found no available mayonnaise in the fridge. Where had all the mayo gone? On some condiment exodus, no doubt. So, after much scrounging around, I gathered together the best substitutes I could find:

1 nearly empty bottle of Thousand Island salad dressing
1 half bottle of sweet relish
1 full bottle of vegetable oil

I frowned, then mixed in equal portions with the dry tuna, until it resembled porridge. I also had no bread. God, I need to go grocery shopping!

I ate the muck with a spoon and a look of dismay on my face, while somewhere sad, sad music played.

I would have loved some Mayo then. Even the imitation kind that you hate so much, Tia. Even that. : D


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## Kevin (Dec 2, 2011)

How 'bout this one?
Drain and flop one can of tuna in a bowl. Add three cloves of fresh garlic(minced) and a little extra virgin olive oil. Mix and eat. The fish and the garlic will cancel each other. Mmm- boy! Just don't be in the same room, or building with anyone for the next twenty-four hours, or they may call "hazmat" on you.


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## Tiamat (Dec 2, 2011)

KyleColorado said:


> It's funny, yesterday I had the same problem. I found a can of tuna and thought to myself, simply, "I want to eat that." And so I pried open the can and, to my surprise, found no available mayonnaise in the fridge. Where had all the mayo gone? On some condiment exodus, no doubt. So, after much scrounging around, I gathered together the best substitutes I could find:
> 
> 1 nearly empty bottle of Thousand Island salad dressing
> 1 half bottle of sweet relish
> ...


Ew.  And I thought I had a crappy dinner when I had to shovel the stuff I made into my mouth.  Ew ew ew!  Haha.



			
				Kevin said:
			
		

> How 'bout this one?
> Drain and flop one can of tuna in a bowl. Add three cloves of fresh  garlic(minced) and a little extra virgin olive oil. Mix and eat. The  fish and the garlic will cancel each other. Mmm- boy! Just don't be in  the same room, or building with anyone for the next twenty-four hours,  or they may call "hazmat" on you.


Someone once suggested to me that you dice an onion and throw it in the frying pan with the tuna, and then cook it until most of the water cooks off.  I tried that once.  It wasn't bad, but the apartment stank for at least a day.


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## moderan (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> Ew.  And I thought I had a crappy dinner when I had to shovel the stuff I made into my mouth.  Ew ew ew!  Haha.
> 
> 
> Someone once suggested to me that you dice an onion and throw it in the frying pan with the tuna, and then cook it until most of the water cooks off.  I tried that once.  It wasn't bad, but the apartment stank for at least a day.



Throw the tuna into a sieve, and run cold water over it. That'll kill the smelly bits. Pat down with a paper towel, and it'll be suitable for pan-frying (add 1/4 cup breadcrumbs and 1 egg;stir vigorously in salad bowl before spooning into hot oil;congratulations, you have a tuna cake. You can smear tartar sauce on it and call it food). Oy. If you have no bread or crumbs, oatmeal, cornmeal, or rice will do. I don't think I'd actually eat a tunafish johnnycake unless it was a matter of survival, but I drank a bottle of A1 once for the nutritional content.


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## Tiamat (Dec 3, 2011)

moderan said:


> I drank a bottle of A1 once for the nutritional content.


I used to drink Worcestershire sauce when I was little.  Loved the stuff.  That and mouthfuls of Allspice.  Given the abuse I used to put my digestive system through, I could probably digest a drill bit.


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## moderan (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> I used to drink Worcestershire sauce when I was little.  Loved the stuff.  That and mouthfuls of Allspice.  Given the abuse I used to put my digestive system through, I could probably digest a drill bit.


Woostershyer sauce is a1 minus the molasses and tomato powder. Great stuff. Drill bits are superior with some panko breading and a little parmesan reggiano
*rolls eyes*
Sorry. It's _worsterchestershiresteer sauce_. My bad. I forgot about the tamarind and turmeric.


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## Sunny (Dec 3, 2011)

KyleColorado said:


> It's funny, yesterday I had the same problem. I found a can of tuna and thought to myself, simply, "I want to eat that." And so I pried open the can and, to my surprise, found no available mayonnaise in the fridge. Where had all the mayo gone? On some condiment exodus, no doubt. So, after much scrounging around, I gathered together the best substitutes I could find:
> 
> 1 nearly empty bottle of Thousand Island salad dressing
> 1 half bottle of sweet relish
> ...




Do you know what's absolutley ridiculous about this story? I did the same thing last week... but instead of sweet relish... I had to add in sliced dill pickles and chili peppers!! Always chili peppers... But I often eat it w/o the bread. You could have used crackers? Crackers are good with tuna/chicken salad. 

Go grocery shopping!! ;0)


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## Tiamat (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunny said:


> Go grocery shopping!! ;0)


Perhaps I should've specified--I was eating tuna salad and didn't just go buy mayo because it was the day before pay day and I had maybe $1.13 to my name.  I can't remember eating tuna in my adult life on days that I had the money to buy something better to eat.  Don't get me wrong, I do like me some tuna, but even hard boiled eggs would've been preferable if I'd had eggs at the time.


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## Sunny (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> Perhaps I should've specified--I was eating tuna salad and didn't just go buy mayo because it was the day before pay day and I had maybe $1.13 to my name. I can't remember eating tuna in my adult life on days that I had the money to buy something better to eat. Don't get me wrong, I do like me some tuna, but even hard boiled eggs would've been preferable if I'd had eggs at the time.



Oh I hope you weren't offended when I said "go grocery shopping". I was just teasing that guy, KyleColorado! ha ha.

I like Tuna okay myself, but I do like canned Salmon better. I try not to add mayo to anything anyway... and if I do, it's only a little. I don't mind just adding lemon juice, pepper, and eating it like that. 

How much is a jar of mayo in the US anyway? Everything is cheaper for you guys. It's $2.97 for one of those squeezable jars of it in Canada ... I guess you would have been SOL for it here, even if you had of driven to the store... Lol...


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## Tiamat (Dec 3, 2011)

Not offended.  I was just explaining that when strange tuna concoctions are eaten, it usually means there's not much an alternative.  I just assume that that applies to others, as well as to myself.  

As for price, you could probably get cheap (read: disgusting) mayo here for a dollar or two, but if I'd done so, I'd probably still have been in a similar situation as eating the fat free stuff.


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## The Backward OX (Dec 4, 2011)

Olly Buckle said:


> This thread brought back memories. When I was a kid....


You can say that again. When I was a kid, my mum made mayonnaise (Hey, how’s that for some off-the-cuff alliteration?) with nothing more than vinegar, mustard and condensed milk. Residents of NGHFTE, eat your heart out.

Ingredients:

1 410g tin condensed milk
½ - 1 tspn mustard powder
1-2 tblspns vinegar.

Combine and stir.

Vary quantities according to taste.


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## Kyle R (Dec 4, 2011)

Tiamat10 said:


> Not offended.  I was just explaining that when strange tuna concoctions are eaten, it usually means there's not much an alternative.  I just assume that that applies to others, as well as to myself.



I like tuna! Mixed with chopped celery, a dash of pepper and salt, minced green onions, sweet relish, and MAYONNAISE to the right consistency and it borders on delicious. Even more so with canned salmon like Sunny mentioned.

I like it best between two slices of warm bread, with a juicy tomato slice, a thick sliver of soft avocado and fresh green lettuce. And a glass of cold milk to wash it down! Yum yum.


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## Bluesman (Dec 4, 2011)

I'm a Hellmans man to hell with the rest. Love it with my tuna salad, sometimes if i'm feeling really naughty i'll Hienz salad cream instead which is nice once in a while. As for fat free !! rubbish it's poo.


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