# A Piece of Chocolate Cake (My First Sonnet)



## xiaoman (Apr 12, 2015)

Shall I not bring home the chocolate cake? 
 I have been educated not to waste 
 luggage has been packed like a hippo, not fake. 
 The flight won't wait,  I 'd better make  haste.  
 I ask  the front desk  about the bus routine, 
 And the girl says it is coming fast. 
 On the board, their restaurant ad with poutine, 
 Reminds me of my unfinished breakfast. 
 But I really  don't want to put on weight. 
 Maybe I will just have the cake saved?
 My seat number is 16F which is eight plus eight,
 Sitting next to me, is a man with bear shaved.  
 So long Toronto! The vigorous city, my fave,
 What's left of me are the memories my family gave.

June, 2012

(I visited my family in Ontario. On the way going back to where I lived)


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## QDOS (Apr 13, 2015)

*Xiaoman *t[/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]he sonnet is a worthy challenge to any poets skill considering you background this is a fare attempt for I find Sonnets are not that easy.  

*QDOS*


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## am_hammy (Apr 13, 2015)

I liked this a lot. I'm not fully qualified to give adequate critique on the format of it, but I enjoyed this. I always have a pickle of a time writing sonnets. They are so rewarding though once finished. It's a beautiful form of poetry. Your style shows through as well. There are simple moments here, but you do a great job of connecting them. The detail you have of everything as you're on the plane and your inner thoughts flows nicely.

Thanks for sharing this =)


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## Firemajic (Apr 13, 2015)

Well, I love chocolate.. sigh... and I adore the way you create your poems.. Xiaoman... you put lines and words and phrases together in such a creative way..It should not work.. but for me, it does... Thank you for a fascinating read... Peace always... jul


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## Eliot Gilbert (Apr 13, 2015)

I like the idea of the poem a lot; there's just something about writing a sonnet for a piece of cake that I find really amusing. I also enjoy your style. It's very down-to-earth, and feels as if you are a friend writing to me. 

I have some critiques if you want them. The rhyme scheme follows the conventions of a Shakespearean sonnet, so for me personally, I expect certain things from it. First of all, the poem's syllabic pattern throws me off a bit. You begin your first line with a truncated line of nine syllables. This immediately breaks the convention of iambic pentameter, not to mention the syllabic pattern doesn't match it either. Readers familiar with sonnets will be immediately caught off guard. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I'm not sure it's exactly what you want. That's a sign of comic poetry, for instance, but I read your poem as sincere, and almost too serious for a convention of comic poetry to be used. I didn't detect any deliberate metrical regularity in the poem, actually, which is unfortunate because this is one of the great advantages -- not to mention hallmarks -- to a sonnet. If it is a whimsical piece, then I think adhering to a metrical structure would be of benefit. Finally, I don't really detect a volta anywhere, except for the last couplet. A volta, or "turn" is to me, the most important part of the sonnet. All else can be played with, but it's not truly a sonnet, to me, unless there is a stylistic turn in your poem. A little change of drama. Frequently, it's a resolution to the problem or the tension. The volta at the end there transitions from a whimsical piece to a serious one. It personally doesn't work for me.

What I am saying is that I think you can definitely play with the sonnet form as you are doing, but to me it seems as if you are trying to deviate from it too much, while only conforming to two conventions. I like when people play with sonnets, that said.

Overall, it's a great first piece, I think! I hope you have written some/ will write some more in the future!  Traditional poetry is very close to my heart.


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## escorial (Apr 14, 2015)

cool piece


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## Transcender (Apr 14, 2015)

It was very decent. I understand it's sometimes difficult to write a structured, technical poem like this one.


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## xiaoman (Apr 19, 2015)

Thanks to QDOS, am_hammy, firemajic, Eliot, Escorial and Transcender! Yes, the structure of sonnet seem challenging to me. I will learn more from Shakespeare when I have time. By the way, I just translated a poem written by Cen Can(Tang Dynasty). Hope this kind of practicing can bring me more poetic sense...  

http://www.writingforums.com/thread...ding-A-Friend-Back-Home?p=1852866#post1852866


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