# For Shim



## Space Cadet (Jul 6, 2017)

as moment casts
‘neath our saccharin-skin shell, 
we stumble,
side banks a-spin.

the rabbit in the moon,  
clear and drunk again,  
broadside-full 
in a South Korea June.

breath’s worth for word, 
will soon pour purpose:

when stoneflies dive, 
the brook trout surface  
the baritone river 
in rain.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jul 6, 2017)

I don't exactly know what this is about, but it seems intriguing though. Will have to re-read this again in the future.


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## sas (Jul 6, 2017)

Cadet,

Am I to assume you cut sentences out of magazines and pasted poem together?


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## andrewclunn (Jul 6, 2017)

This piece seems grasping for some meaning.  It only works as experiential for me, in that each moment and line is supposed to come on like a wave, washing away the former.  But for that rhythm to take over it needs to be longer.  For context and meaning the title needs changing or some visual aid is required.  Perhaps if these are moments then some sense of transfer or movement from each to the next, or a more pointed detailed view reflective of a curious but scattered mind in a whirlwind of stimuli.  It's as if you're remembering moments, but there's no shape or form to them, and no narrative to tie them together.  Embrace the flow and expand upon it, or give us form to tie these visions together (be it visual or contextual) please.


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## Space Cadet (Jul 7, 2017)

andrewclunn said:


> This piece seems grasping for some meaning.  It only works as experiential for me, in that each moment and line is supposed to come on like a wave, washing away the former.  But for that rhythm to take over it needs to be longer.  For context and meaning the title needs changing or some visual aid is required.  Perhaps if these are moments then some sense of transfer or movement from each to the next, or a more pointed detailed view reflective of a curious but scattered mind in a whirlwind of stimuli.  It's as if you're remembering moments, but there's no shape or form to them, and no narrative to tie them together.  Embrace the flow and expand upon it, or give us form to tie these visions together (be it visual or contextual) please.




Thank you for the comment, read and suggestion.  I agree that the title needs changed, and this needs to be longer.  I'm having a bit of trouble with adding to it, to be honest.  

Ever expanding as follows:



as moment casts
over a saccharin-skin shell, 


we stumble,
side streams a-spin,




‘neath the rabbit in the moon,  
clear and drunk again,  


sideways, full 
in a South Korea June.




breath’s words 
will soon pour purpose:


the stoneflies dive, 
the brook trout surface  
the baritone river 
in rain. 




with a final sigh,
dressed in morning’s lapel,
a firing squad takes aim.


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## Space Cadet (Jul 7, 2017)

sas said:


> Cadet,
> 
> Am I to assume you cut sentences out of magazines and pasted poem together?




Sas.  If you'd like to, I suppose.  I'm attempting to expand this.  I have a friend that lives in South Korea and I wanted to create a poem with the image of the rabbit in the moon --(He told that story to me when we were younger...And if you look at a full moon, you'll see a rabbit.)  

Also, I'd like to express that all breath and words are of purpose just as a stonefly (at the end of a fishing fly rod or real), the trout, and the river.  I know it seems vague and confusing, and I appreciate your comment because it does identify that it may appear as just words strung together, but I'd like to accentuate aforementioned images of nature more.  Now, since it's still in progress, it needs to be a bit less confusing.  Any thoughts?


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## sas (Jul 7, 2017)

Cadet,

I couldn't begin to make cogent suggestions, because, well, the poem isn't cogent. My ADHD granddaughter is quite creative and has a million wonderful things to say, all at once. Your poem reminds me of her. I try not to stifle her. What a pity if she turned into a lock-step thinker. But, to share this creativity, and have others  also enjoy the journey, a path must be carved in the dense images. Otherwise, you walk it alone.


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## sas (Jul 7, 2017)

BTW:  When I read your title, I assumed poem was about gender. Right from the beginning the reader is left wandering around without ever reaching the implied destination. Hmmmm.


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## Space Cadet (Jul 14, 2017)

sas said:


> Cadet,
> 
> I couldn't begin to make cogent suggestions, because, well, the poem isn't cogent. My ADHD granddaughter is quite creative and has a million wonderful things to say, all at once. Your poem reminds me of her. I try not to stifle her. What a pity if she turned into a lock-step thinker. But, to share this creativity, and have others  also enjoy the journey, a path must be carved in the dense images. Otherwise, you walk it alone.



Still needs work, I agree.  The folklore is interesting to me, the rabbit in the moon, etc.  The rest is just a bit of Tao that I tried to convey, and it is often unclear.  That's where it needs work.  The images are flimsy too, with gaps in the story.


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## sas (Jul 14, 2017)

Well, I do like to eat Tao.  Have to use a fork, though, never could get the hang of those sticks.


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## Nellie (Jul 14, 2017)

Space Cadet said:


> Still needs work, I agree.



So do I. But it is a difficult task, considering what you are trying to do here.



			
				Space Cadet said:
			
		

> The folklore is interesting to me, the rabbit in the moon, etc.  The rest is just a bit of Tao that I tried to convey, and it is often unclear.



Very interesting to me, also. Tao is a yin/yang thing, often times it isn't clear. 

My son spent a year in Seoul, S. Korea teaching 1st graders English. He said he loved S.Korea and felt for the children there.  It's very difficult to convey one culture's way of life thru words. One needs to be there and live it. My son has tried to convey his experience through words and pictures, but I'll never get it because I haven't been there.


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## old.bull.lee (Jul 15, 2017)

So yes, this needs work as has been pointed out. And yes, what you're trying to pull off here is difficult. But this poem has potential. In my opinion you have some really good turns of phrases here. I'm curious to see what you come up with in regards to this poem moving forward.


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## Phil Istine (Jul 16, 2017)

You use some lovely turns of phrase and I can make pictures in my head, but I want to make a movie and the scenes don't join up for me.
I'm sure you will be able to do this (if you wish) with a little editing.


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## Space Cadet (Jul 27, 2017)

Nellie said:


> So do I. But it is a difficult task, considering what you are trying to do here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you, Nellie for reading and commenting.  I suppose the culture isn't what I'm trying to convey, but the rabbit in the moon is a means to reference a story in hopes to help move the poem forward.  They only way _I_ can convey S. Korea is knowing I have friends that live there that are S. Korean and how close they are to N. Korea.  So, conveying the current danger and what must be a feeling of a frightened existence is where I want to go.  But, per above, it's not there yet.  

I love the culture and the food and my friend.    Thank you again for reading.  W


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## Space Cadet (Jul 27, 2017)

Phil Istine said:


> You use some lovely turns of phrase and I can make pictures in my head, but I want to make a movie and the scenes don't join up for me.
> I'm sure you will be able to do this (if you wish) with a little editing.




Thank you, Phil, for your kind words and encouragement.  I've had to step away from it for awhile but hope to move forward with it.  

Best,

Wesley


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## Space Cadet (Jul 27, 2017)

old.bull.lee said:


> So yes, this needs work as has been pointed out. And yes, what you're trying to pull off here is difficult. But this poem has potential. In my opinion you have some really good turns of phrases here. I'm curious to see what you come up with in regards to this poem moving forward.





Thank you, old.bull.lee.  (Dig your photo/avatar, BTW).  I appreciate your words and taking the time to read.  I'm trying to solidify a direction, but had to step away from the words for awhile to find an ending.  Thank you again for reading and leaving a comment.  -- Wesley


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## Space Cadet (Sep 16, 2017)

EDITED Sep 12 2017

I send my memories to you,
in our saccharin-skin armor,
negotiating peace with our toy soldiers,
playing dead from wooden hand grenades:


the Joseon princes 
that stumbled the Changdeok Palace gardens a-spin 
to offer our own bodies 
on grass-stained knees  


‘neath The Moon Rabbit, 
cleared by crowds drunk with virtue, 
screaming for Śakra 
in final sighs of autumn’s jade dawn




when the stoneflies dive, 
where brook trout surface
in baritone river rains, 
where fox prey,
and jackals await
dressed in morning’s ballistics
as firing squads take aim.


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