# Pain



## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 16, 2017)

I told my high school counsellor I deserved pain.
It was too much, going all in my brain
I said I was too much of a whimp.
All I ever do was act like a chimp

I was madly yelling, I hope I walked with a limp.
That was the person I was as a little shrimp


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## sas (Jan 16, 2017)

Always consider starting poem with a line that grabs:

I deserve pain
or, so I told my high school counselor

Note second line uses assonance  instead of rhyme: or/counselor; so/told; my/high

End line rhyming should be done only in the hands of those with expertise. I'd sure like you to free yourself from it. 

I mean no offense. I just think you want to express troubling aspects about your life & rhyming doesn't enable you to do it...well.

My best.  sas


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## Darkkin (Jan 16, 2017)

As a reader, I'm really at a loss as what you expect as a response to this piece.  Was it meant to be a joke?  The rhyme scheme portrays it as such.  There are times when it is prudent to consider your subject before attempting to rhyme it...:uncomfortableness:   Are we supposed to take this seriously?  If so, why, when the reader feels like they are on an out of control teeter-totter.  This is a good example of what not to do when you rhyme.  Please, either use it properly or leave it off.


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## aj47 (Jan 16, 2017)

They are right.  Rhyme, when done poorly, has more of a comedic effect.

Instead of looking for rhyming words, look for words that express your intent.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 17, 2017)

It was a sonnet done poorly.


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## aj47 (Jan 17, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> It was a sonnet done poorly.



You must have been having computer issues.  Sonnets are fourteen lines and only six posted.

Please see this thread for pasting directly from Word.  If your issue was something else, go to Tech Central and open a thread about it.


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## PiP (Jan 17, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> It was a sonnet done poorly.



Hi Crimson. Agree. I admire you for at at least attempting the form.

Check out

[h=1]http://shakespeare.about.com/od/thesonnets/a/what_is_a_sonnet.htm[/h][FONT=&quot]
http://poetry.about.com/od/sonnets/


[/FONT]


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## sas (Jan 17, 2017)

Crimson....I came to realize that I write for myself. Once I digested that, I was free....free to write without expected poetry form. Free to explore. Who created the sonnet? Hell, I don't know, but what a lucky person to not be shackled by the current convention then. There would be nothing new under the sun. Yes, we build on others, yet should have caution when doing so. I suspect many, especially those who have MFA degrees, will disagree. Learn from the masters first...then be creative, will be their advice. I've always enjoyed back roads to learning. Be creative first.


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## Firemajic (Jan 17, 2017)

rcallaci said that you need to know the rules before you break them, and I completely agree.. once one knows the rules, then you can sculpt, bend and twist the rules to effectively express yourself in a creative SKILLED way... forge your own poetic path but with knowledge and expertise, otherwise it does not work. JMO..


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## sas (Jan 17, 2017)

Crimson....google a young 28 year old poet, Ocean Vuong, born in Vietnam, raised here. I don't think his poetry can be labeled. My highest compliment...when it's good. Of course, how does one make it good? Not with sing-song rhymes (unless very gifted), or following patterns set by others. Start with the most important ingredient...the *need* to say something. Then say it well. Say it with a melody. And, *that* would be a poem.


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## escorial (Jan 18, 2017)

I get the feeling one of those just got to write it down...made me smile


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## Absolem (Jan 23, 2017)

Im sorry but this is one of the worst poems I've ever read. Its like you didn't even try.


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## Kevin (Jan 23, 2017)

Keep 'em coming. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will that Pulitzer for poetry or appointment to Poet Laureate be earned in one or two tries. 

Now then, this one... I'm trying to understand what you're trying to communicate. I feel you're trying to say something or things, but it/they) are not quite clear or defined enough for me. With the last... Were you saying you used to be a shrimp (a smallish person) and therefor meeker or a whimp? Perhaps because you were not as developed (being a little squid, as we used to say, which could translate to shrimp, sort of, shrimp being more of just a size issue). Okay, but a chimp is not a whimp(a distinctly different meaning, more or less, an undeveloped, or not yet developed, sub- human as youngsters, or others for that matter, might consider themselves), so where is this idea, the 'chimp'-ness expounded upon again as was the other ?  If by shrimp, being smaller as a person (you were a shrimp)and therefore not yet grown, which could translate to immature , not as mature...
(there may be something there)
Anyway, I get having all sorts of  over-layered or excessive thoughts(which is it? You define it for us, please) but I felt I needed some more. Again, what are you saying? What ideas are you trying to 'speak' at us (to us)?


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