# A Simple Trip Conclusion



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 25, 2014)

So i see me seat- I motion to the guy on the aisle that I'm coming in for the window. He jumps up and i slide in. Meanwhile all around there is a sneeze/cough cacophony saturating the air-literally. Within 3 rows of me, there are at least 3 sneezers and 2 serial coughers. Next to elevators and Kindergarten classes, an airplane is the best place to be if you want to get sick. I'm trying not to breathe and inexplicably it is getting more difficult as time goes on and i soon abandon this strategy in favor of imminent hospitalization.


Right away i give my bag a thorough search and eventually find the other wad of cash and everything else i was worrying about. Whew-feel a little bit better now.


My row mate is real well scrubbed, perfect black hair 23-26 years old, fitted shirt and designer Jeans. He is very quiet but his right arm is already encroaching well into my territory. It is TOTALLY bugging me. I debate giving him the full lecture on where his seat ended and mine began but decide on just doing the big flinch the next time he touched me. He'll get the message. Post  Big Flinch He is sitting there with his arms tucked in, elbows touching the inside of his seat arms and his hands at face level with kind of a praying thing happening.


Now just across the way, the guy with the aisle seat is having a coughing fit. He is rocking back and forth in his chair like he is at the funniest comedy show in the history of comedy shows. His feet are even coming off the ground but he is coughing, not laughing and  his coughs are sometimes ending with a Seal impersonation. No evidence indicating he is covering his mouth in any way. I have to stop looking at him but my peripherals are still picking him up. He settles down and now only occasionally exceeds 125 decibels while you can be sure  breaking all the previous indoor records for long distance saliva and germ projection. He's a multiple gold medal winner-Im positive of this. I am also very sure in one to five days, I'm going to be as sick as him


"Achooooooooorrggggllh!" 


"Achooooooooorrggggllh!"


The guy next to me, Mr Perfect Hair, has 2 violent sneezes of the wettest kind possible directly into his bare hands.


His hands are sopping and he is now slithering them back in forth, i assume in an effort to friction burn away the more than adequate mucous overflow he is experiencing at the present moment. He is essentially helpless. I debate it momentarily, after all he IS a flagrant Trespasser, but soon  reach into my back pocket and come out with a single select-a-size Viva towel sheet saving his dumb ass. I'm doing this as much for me as I am for him. I have one more sheet, that he could certainly use but he ain't getting it. Next thing you know, I'll be in his predicament. Folks, especially guys-You must be prepared for this. This was actually on the low end as far as mortification goes for this guy. It can be much much worse.


 Be prepared. I keep a few paper towel sheets in my right back pocket and an ironed flat folded handkerchief in my left pocket for back up only. I am not one to blow my nose or sneeze in a hankie and then stuff it back in my pants essentially carrying around a foul petri dish. Un unh It aint me babe. If i do have to use my back-up every other year or so, it goes straight to the men's room where it is washed and dried as much as possible. Towels for my right pocket are replaced while i am there. 


He thanks me looking way more grateful than his words. His voice is unaccented and smooth but still it is calling out to me "I am a shallow nitwit!" I avert my eyes as he does the clean-up. I don't know where the towel went and as long as it's on his side, I don't wanna know. Wherever it is, it's full. 


Jet Blue has TV's with real time shows in every seat-It's the main reason to look to them first when booking a flight exceeding 90 minutes.


I try to tune in CNBC to silently watch how the stock market is doing. Ok to shorten things a bit-None of the channels from 15-25 are coming in for me. This stretch of channels contains, CNBC, MSNBC, Animal Planet, Nat Geo, TLC, DSC, The History Channel and a couple more I'm forgetting but at any rate-the only decent channels on the damn thing! I'M hoping it's temporary. Everyone else around is watching Oprah type crap or one of the Judge Loony shows. Me I'm staring at 


'SEARCHING FOR SIGNAL'





The engines start and I'm hoping for a reset of the TV system to make me right. Fumes fill the cabin and my eyes start watering. I stare and water for next 10 minutes until I finally decide to take action


"Oh Stewardess"


I press the 'call button' and a stewardess arrives very quickly. She is in her late 40's or thereabouts, her better days in the past but still holding on fairly well. She is fit, trim with reasonable short hair befitting a woman her age. On looks, it's all relative but she'd be a real good catch for a codger like me. So it goes something like this-In fact it goes exactly like this other than a word or two I may have wrong in the dialog.


"My TV is not receiving channels 15-25. Those are the only ones that I watch" I demonstrate by changing channels a few times, each time getting the same screen you saw previously.


"OK sir let's see what we can do-Go ahead and press menu, OK press the right arrow, now scroll over 3 times, yes that's it -now press enter. OK scroll back over, OK go up 2 -Now enter." I'm following these instructions she is giving me but thinking all along -"This ain't gonna work, are you kidding me?"


So of course Nothing! Same screen. We go through this process another time or 2, never ever threatening at honing in on a channel.


"OK sir give me a moment." She turns towards the back of the plane and in doing so performs a little pirouette. From now on she is doing her best Vanna White Impression including spins, outstretched arms, and so on. She is only coming up short in the smile area. Out of my sight for 15 seconds, she returns announcing.


"All the other TV's seem to be fine-If you don't mind changing your seat I'm sure you'll have no more problems" 


"OK let me ask you this, are there any empty rows in the back"? I'm seat belted in, my neck is as flexible as a Bronze Eagle's and I can't see behind me at all.


"I'm sure you will find something you will be happy with sir."


"OK-good but are there any open rows-rows that are empty?


"I'm sure you'll find a seat sir"


"Ok this is what I'm trying to find out-Are there 2 empty seats back there side by side? I don't want to go and sit next to someone who is enjoying his space and ruin his day if i don't have to. Ill just keep ruining days up here".


"There are 23 open seats on this plane sir"


I honestly try to reword it one more time and receive the same type of answer.


"So you are never going to answer my simple question!!?" 
This is the first time I'm pissed during this whole exchange and now I AM showing attitude. 


"No" she says in her usual knowing and condescending style. I can't believe what I am hearing. 


She actually says "No". She has had this look of controlled rage since the start, a slight smirk and her eyes are blaring out "I'm really trying to keep this together but I hate you and I'm close to losing it!" Why?? I've been nice til now. I'm just trying to watch TV. The TVs you guys advertise make the Jet Blue experience so top notch! 


She is still talking but i am no longer listening at all! She is dead to me!!! I am facing the seat back and not listening. I'm steaming and muttering and mumbling but making sure the words 'useless' and 'dumb ass' come out loud and clear.


"So this is what I have to do? *This is what I have to do?"* I'm not screaming but I'm sure I have increased the viewers of this little saga by at least 50%. I unbuckle my seat belt, manage somehow to do a 180 in that tiny space, my ass bumping the seat in front of me, now to my back, my shoulders hunched down-ducking my head beneath the carry-on infrastructure-my neck is cramping but i immediately spot 5-6 empty rows back there. WTF lady? WHY WHY WHY? Why did we have to go through that!!??


So i motion to MR Perfect Hair that I'm leaving and proceed in an orderly manner to an open row in the back. 


I immediately turn the channel to CNBC-same dead screen-Animal Planet-same screen, so on down the line. I try the TV next to me-same thing-same F'n thing. Im now positive that every TV on this plane has non working channels 15-25 but I go through the charade of trying a few more rows with the expected results.


I look towards Miss Prissy Pants way up front. Our eyes meet- I give her the very best glare i have, simultaneously throwing up my left arm in the universal 'WTF you stupid know-nothing Witch!' gesture. 


She whispers something to her fellow attendant which I'm pretty sure went something like this. "I am not going within 15 rows of that man again-you are going to have to cover the back of the plane." The rest of the flight she comes nowhere near me.


So I'm perched alone in a nice row and settle in. It is pretty open now in the butt-end of the plane. No one seems to be aware of the luxury we are enjoying back here-at least for the present moment. Sooner or later the second flight attendant walks by and I motion him over.


"You know it just isn't right that i book and usually pay more to Jet Blue for these TVs and none of the good channels are working. Shouldn't i be entitled to a partial refund? How do i go about getting that started?"


"You'll have to call the company sir. We don't have anything to do with that"


"Any particular department I should call?"


"No-just start with  the regular number but i have to tell you the maximum refund is $15 for a broken TV.  They have  to be completely broken and it must be recorded  in our flight notes and these TV's are working so.........."


"So even if one channel comes in, that is all good as far as Jet Blue is concerned"


"There's more than one channel working sir."


"So there is no sense in me making that phone call at all is there?"


"Probably not"


" Oh by the way- That was a real nice touch with the fumes in the cabin  earlier."


I haven't mentioned much of the fumes situation. This story was never going to end if I got into everything negative occurring on this flight. Fumes remained in the Cabin 30-45 minutes after the engines were started- verified by others i spoke to. I was not hallucinating. We sat on the Tarmac all that time for no apparent reason either.


"Fuses sir?' "No fumes-F-U-M-E-S".


"You mean when the engines first started? That is perfectly normal. When the engines are first started, all the air is sucked through the engine and into the air conditioning system"


Could I have heard that  correctly? Isn't that a design flaw?


" l  have never experienced anything close to that before".


"Sir, I've been a commercial pilot for 8 years and it is perfectly normal". 


Some great pilot I'm thinking-Here he is delivering urgent supplies of Blue Potato Chips up and down the aisle.


"8 years?-I've been sitting in these cabins for 55 years and I've never been through  anything like it- Sure i have smelled fumes for 2-3 minutes but my eyes were still tearing until 5 minutes ago." 


"Sir, the air is scrubbed and we have special filters that take care of the air in the Cabin."


"You better check those filters!!"


He is gone! Back to what he does best- Rushing Animal Crackers.


I'm sitting there in a little bit of a foul mood but really taking things well considering...  A guy is leaning over playing coochie coo from the aisle with his baby. He is 6ft 4 and his ass is about 7 inches from the face of this old fellow who suddenly finds himself in a real bad spot. The old guy is leaning away and trying to levitate at the same time. This has nothing to do with me but it's still aggravating the crap out of me- a few other things going on too so i pick-up and move to the last row.


 A few minutes later-the pilot/waiter guy comes along-hands me a card and says "We tried a reset on the TV's and they are still the same so follow the instructions on this card to receive your $15 refund."


I probably should be angry seeing as just 10 minutes ago he denied being able to do anything to help and he certainly gave every indication he didn't WANT to help either. I just say thank you-I'm drained.


I swear this to be an accurate account of the events that occurred 30 April 2013 on the ground and in the skies above, aboard Jet Blue Flight 617 during a Simple Trip to Florida.


THIS COMPLETES MY TESTIMONY




Pictures etc can be seen @http://oddballcodger.tumblr.com/


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## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 28, 2014)

This story did well on another site but it bombs here-GO figure.


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## dither (Jun 28, 2014)

Mudgeon Ramblings said:


> This story did well on another site but it bombs here-GO figure.



Well i liked it.


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## DannyMullen (Jul 2, 2014)

Pretty good. I've always been a fan of the David Foster Wallace style non-fiction.


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## Pandora (Jul 2, 2014)

Yeah sometimes it takes awhile for people to read and reply. I have found that with the different forums too, maybe some here have read this and replied there, who knows. I like your style of writing, maybe a little tongue in cheek? I certainly felt your frustration and saw what you did, good job with putting your reader with you.

The only thing worse than being with sick people on the plane is to be the one really sick, that is a flight from hell. Flight DL2475 from Milwaukee to Atlanta, April 8, 2013 Sweet Jesus, I couldn't stop crying, my ears busting from pain, coughing, sneezing, so sorry for those near by. I always remember that now when I fly.


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## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 2, 2014)

Thank you both!!

It was fairly easy to write as It was ALL true* other than i slightly embellished 6 words of dialog in part of a sentence that i was thinking but never actually uttered. (EDIT- I changed the 6 words to a thought so now it's 100% true but slightly less funny-lol) Everything else I UTTERED and it all happened! lol Im 66 and i dont suffer fools any longer-not that i ever did to any degree. 

I shouldn't really say it was easy-Writing the first version was easy but then to make it funnier- i micro managed a lot of sentences til i thought it was just right-sometimes just changing one word can turn a smile into an lol and i spent a lot of time on the nuances which for me are pretty much bricks in the face.

The only minor struggle I had was the ending til i came up with the idea to wrap up as if i had just spoken or written it for a Congressional FAA Hearing or something. I was happy to think of it and I believe it worked fairly well.

There is a part one of this story on here (WF). Probably not as good but maybe a few laughs. If anyone reads my stuff and doesn't lol at least once then i view it pretty much a failure. Thanks again.

PS- i hear you on the flight sickness thing. Jim Cramer had to fly out for an interview for his first job w a sinus infection-he came out of the plane w a broken eardrum. The worst stomach pain i ever had was on a flight to Amsterdam and it came out of nowhere. Somehow related to the cabin pressure on the stomach thing too i assume.

BTW-I did not get sick after this flight through some sort of fluke in the natural order of things. On a trip to Taiwan once i sat next to a guy who coughed literally a few times within every 2 minute period for 14 HOURS. AND he was happy as a clam smiling the whole time. He wife never offered a cough drop, a sip of water-nothing!. I was sick 3 days after we landed.

*not to include obvious sarcasm or exaggeration for effect such as indoor record for saliva projection et al


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## Pandora (Jul 3, 2014)

I really liked part 1-3, I could relate to the anguish of almost missing a flight. I loved the part where you needed water and how you describe the machine, you and dollar bills, super funny. This one was harder for me cause it was people related. I just take people as they come now in life, not one to speak up or find fault unless they are causing injustice to another. 

Speaking of cabin air pressure not sure what this was but you fly a lot Mudgeon maybe you have seen or experienced. On a flight from Atl to Tampa my hair went wild, like full out electric, standing on end. I have longish blonde hair and it was getting the passenger next to me, I flew alone to visit my girlfriend. There was nothing I could do just stopped as magically as it started. It was rather embarrassing because no one else was effected and never before or since for me, very weird. It was worth some laughs then and still.  I had some alcohol in my but . . . 

these were excellent reads thanks for the laughs and memories!


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## qwertyportne (Jul 4, 2014)

I enjoyed it too. The balanced mix of dialogue and narration gave it good presence. (But I'm glad I wasn't present. My last flight on an airplane was my last flight on an airplane!)


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## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 4, 2014)

Im sorry i didnt answer this- I overlooked it but really i dont have any idea on what happened  with the hair Pandora.

I Never saw that but I'll be on the lookout for it. 

I know strange things happen in that cabin. I swear two times i packed a nearing  ripe banana in my carry-on and upon landing it was overripe, mushy and finished.


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## Pandora (Jul 5, 2014)

That's weird about the banana, well I guess I'll just keep on wondering what happened to my hair. I tie a small scarf to my carryon now if it ever happens again, that has double purpose for identifying my bag but it's purple, not many with a purple carryon . . . ha!


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