# Ambush (Short)



## BobtailCon (Oct 26, 2013)

So this is another one of my "2 in the morning cool story ideas". As I always say, constructive criticism please.


*Ambush*
​     Cole sits in the backseat of the HM. Listening to the purr of the engine as the Humvee makes
 its way down the Tajikistan freeway.

     The heat of the sun in the Middle East is scorching. But it beats sitting at home in the Rockies.
 Cole ponders. He decides to take note of it and scribbles chicken scratch into his tattered notepad he had gotten from his CO back on base.

     He just finishes writing when someone yells and small arms fire rings out.

     Figures appear to rise from the sand and open fire on the line of trucks. The driver cries out as
 bullets pound through the frame and fly into his legs.

     The line of bullets goes up the Humvee and towards the interior cabin.

     The driver looks up after attempting to stop the bleeding in his legs. His scream is cut short as
 bullets plow into the windshield and rip into his body.

     By that time the convoy were out of their vehicles and returning fire.

     More and more shadows rise all around them. Soldiers fell as bullets peppered them.

     Cole feels a weight in his stomach. His fears were correct. The intel they had received was wrong.
 He was caught right in the middle of it.

     An ambush.


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## ma348212 (Oct 29, 2013)

The action was a little hard to follow.


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## BobtailCon (Oct 29, 2013)

ma348212 said:


> The action was a little hard to follow.



Thank you for your response. If I may ask, what was it that made it hard to follow?


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## avid (Oct 29, 2013)

Maybe ma just means how everything just happend so fast. I reread it to make sure, and found that I missed a part of the ambush. 

But hey ambushes are supposed to be hard and fast. 

Maybe just a little more detail on the attack may help paint a better picture.


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## Mohican (Oct 30, 2013)

What are you looking for in a critique?  Technical aspects?   Flow of the story?   Spelling, grammar?   Is it interesting?  

If  a person ever sat in a HMMWV or rode in one, I doubt "Purr" would be an  apt description.   Rumble, rattle, or something of that sort would be a  more apt descriptions.   The 6.5 turbodiesels in the HMMWV don't  purr.    

There also seem to be some redundancies or extra words  that don't need to be there.    (This goes under the advice "don't treat  the reader like he is stupid") 


> The heat of the sun in the Middle East is scorching


Could be tightened to "The heat of the  Middle East is scorching".    Or "The sun in the Middle East is scorching".   



> He decides to take note of it and scribbles chicken scratch into his tattered notepad


scribbles and chicken scratch is redundant

As  I read this, I get the picture of a 'Not Murrican" person writing  this.    The protagonist/main character is from Colorado but describes  this 





> The line of bullets goes up the Humvee and towards the  interior cabin.


 .    In U.S. parlance, a HumVee or a truck  would have a Cab, or perhaps interior, but not "interior cabin".     Boats have cabins.   Log houses of small size are cabins.  Trucks have  Cabs, and if you are in the cab, you don't need to describe it as the  interior.    To make the story believable you need to put the story into  the parlance or voice of the Main Character.

More technical  problems - Convoy is a group of vehicles, or ships, or airplanes.   The  men, or The Soldiers, or The Marines get out of their vehicles in the  convoy.   





> By that time the convoy were out of their vehicles and  returning fire.





> bullets plow into the windshield and rip into his body


You might want to change this to something like "bullets penetrate the windshield and rip into his body".   



> More and more shadows rise all around them. Soldiers fell as bullets peppered them.


  Did you change from present to past tense?    

-------------------------------------------
You  have a starting point, and it could be an interesting starting point.    War stories always have interest to people.     It does need some clean  up.


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## MattHanisch (Nov 10, 2013)

I agree with Mohican, I feel the sentences are structured make things hard to follow and could flow better overall.


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## escorial (Nov 10, 2013)

the confusion and speed came through.....thinking of home and BAM!.....it explodes


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## FinishStoryStop (Nov 10, 2013)

More detail would allow the reader to develop a framework in which to put the story. Not sure where on the freeway they were (outside or inside the city limits), what the surrounding landscape was like (shadowy, barren, mountainous etc), why were they there, who they are etc


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## Tyler Danann (Dec 6, 2013)

Kinda ok stuff, a bit chaotic but the writer is trying to get things written in a 'fast tense' I think, blurring present and past tense together somehow.


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## tabasco5 (Dec 10, 2013)

Is this the actual story or is it just an outline of the events?


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 10, 2013)

Yeah, obviously 2 in the morning, post-fatigue. You need to draw the description out, I'd encourage you to do it. It's got a good-ish start, but could certainly see improvement. Also, "the Middle East sun" is still the same sun around the world. Perhaps talking more about how it "scorches the Earth" or something just to add imagery to the sun.


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## Katon (Dec 17, 2013)

Sounds a lot like a short story to me. You really need to draw things out here. My suggestion, start earlier on. Show the relationships between the narrator and his CO. Show the relationships between him and his fellow soldiers. Maybe they have a ground smart-Alec. What is it that he is writing? Maybe add how writing is the only way that he keeps his sanity in the time of war. In any case, this has an inevitable end, he and his convoy die... If they are surrounded by that much gunfire. So with a definite ending, (they all die) start off earlier than where you started off. Maybe he wakes up, does his daily routine, you can flush out his relationship with his CO there, then they head out. Maybe include that he has a family t home, somewhere in his kit he tucked away a picture of his beautiful wife, his oldest daughter and newborn son. This gives him drove that he needs to do everything that he needs to to stay alive. Just need to make the character a living person. That will add a lot to this story.


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## eswriter (Dec 26, 2013)

Is this the entire story? Or the preamble, beginning of one? I didn't have any issue following what's there, it just seems rather stunted in terms of character development. Maybe if we had a couple of quick thoughts about what he fears, etc.

Another thing: if you're writing this in present tense, you can't switch to past tense for action happening in the moment, e.g., "shadows rise... soliders fell" where it should be "soldiers fall" Several other examples of that throughout. Writing in present tense can be effective, but tricky because we're so used to past tense.

One other thing: you might want to double-check whether Taj... is in the Middle East. I think it's technically in Asia, no more in the Middle East than Pakistan or Afghanistan. In fact, I believe it used to be part of the Soviet Union back in the day, none of which was in the Middle East.


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## TheGreedyimp (Dec 31, 2013)

I liked how you ended with some suspense, but the way you did was a bit hackneyed. Saying "His fears were correct" was a bit boring, honestly.

You could also make it a bit more coherent and/or descriptive.

I'm also interested whether or not this is part of larger story you've written or planning to write.


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## thepancreas11 (Jan 2, 2014)

I hate to belabor a point, but TheGreedyimp is right. That line at the end "His fears were correct" does not belong in the story the way you've written it. You establish very little on the emotional scale here until it's too late: you've run out of story at that point. I think the point Katon is trying to make is something in agreement with this. Why do we care about your character? We don't know anything about him. You can begin with an emotion, such as a family at home, or you can sprinkle the emotion throughout, where he sees flashes of moments he had with each of his friends as they die. Give us his feeling.

Also, an ambush in a convoy has been done before. You want something unique. You want to think about some way to put him in an ambush that no one sees coming. The moment you hear that HMMWV engine roaring, you think, "Out come the rebels to shoot-up the soldiers." Why not put him in an airport years after his service is over, thinking of the time he had to roll through the streets of Baghdad, reminiscing that he would never like to be back there again, and then, all of the sudden, BOOM, right back in the action. I mean, that's been done too, but you want to find something that feels surprising in an ambush.


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## BobtailCon (Jan 8, 2014)

Thank you for your responses, even months after haha. I agree with the present/past tense jumps. But this was really me dabbling with an ambush scene, trying to capture the confusion. And yes, it is just a short story. It was just me practicing different scenes.


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## cob (Jan 13, 2014)

It's not hard to follow, in my opinion. But, the detail is lacking. This is a very dry take on (As thepancreas11 mentioned) a rather overdone topic.  I think if you want to work with this scene, the suggestion of making it a flashback isn't bad. Personally, I think flushing each of those lines out into a full paragraph, showing the scene (note: showing, not telling) to be like or unlike what Cole expected based on the intel they had, and then revealing the intel to be wrong without saying so, would be a great improvement.  If you add some personality to it, the scene can be less of a cliche and catch the reader by surprise, despite being something that has been done many times in many ways


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## khanover (Jan 27, 2014)

To me this looks like a bare bones skeleton of something more. There is a good idea and premise here, however the sentences were brief and short almost partial which I think may have made it a little bit more difficult to follow. You did preface the excerpt with it was a 2am brain storm and it was an idea. I think that if you put more time into this idea it could turn into something more substantial. You have the outline, now add the meat and potatoes so to speak.


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## HumanYoYo (Jul 30, 2014)

For such a minimalist little story, I think you should have avoided that ending of 'his fears being correct.' We had no prior knowledge of the intel he had received, so it just feels a bit weird. 
I thought your description of the shooting was very vivid and disturbing.


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## Lucydity (Aug 9, 2014)

It starts of quite good, but some of it gets me wondering.

Aren't military grade hummers reinforced with armor and bullet resistant glass? Leaving "small arms fire" little chance of penetrating, perhaps rounds getting through the weaker spots.


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## BobtailCon (Aug 13, 2014)

People are still commenting! I'm tempted to rewrite this into a proper short, after almost a year of writing progression.


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## brarca (Aug 13, 2014)

This is really choppy. I think that a better use of commas would be really nice (there is almost none), rather than the sentence fragments you currently have.


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## captflash76 (Aug 21, 2014)

The way this piece is written reminds me of a journalist on a "ride along" with a convoy of troops moving into a possible "hotspot" in Iraq or Afghanistan. It's choppy, yes and grammatical style is almost nonexistent, but that seems to me the way a journalist might try to scribble down his descriptive thoughts of this attack in the hope, if he survives, to flesh out the story once safely back in the "green zone" or base camp. You have constructed your framework, now, if you have plans for this storyline, is the time to flesh out the characters, the sights, sounds, smells, etc. Writing is about creating a visual in the mind of the reader. Use all your senses, they are the tools that involve your audience. You're on the right track and I would say full steam ahead.  rainyman76


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## Laughing Duck 137z (Aug 22, 2014)

brarca said:


> This is really choppy. I think that a better use of commas would be really nice (there is almost none), rather than the sentence fragments you currently have.



He did say he wrote it at 2 in the morning. Plus in my perspective when I write something, I immediately read over it twice and think I've got it right. When I look at it two weeks later I see all it's flaws.


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## hvysmker (Sep 20, 2014)

Oh, yes, BobtailCon. I can equate.  I sometimes rode shotgun on such convoys way back in Vietnam.  I was never in an actual ambush in that duty but was sniped at more than once. I recall one time: 
We'd just arrived at a small base up  by the DMZ, when a private jumped up the running board of my still moving five-ton truck.
"Seen action, uh, Sarge?"
I shook my head. "Nope."
When we finally  backed into a supply bunker, he called me out to show me a bullet hole in the passenger door.  If I'd been in one of the lighter deuce and a half trucks, it would have gone right through, into my side.

As you can figure, I was plenty nervous during the rest of that mission.

My first tour there was in, I think, 1964. We were instructed that if ambushed, to stop the convoy and head for the ditches. Then to form a defensive position and return fire.

Bull. When troops tried that, they were surprised to find the ditches mined and bristling with punji sticks.  The enemy would plant them earlier, then leave a man or two behind to fire when we reached that point.  Then those few would vamoose after firing a few shots  and before air support arrived.

After that, orders changed to run like hell, picking up the crews of stricken vehicles.

Charlie


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## Vendetta5885 (Sep 25, 2014)

Hey BobtailCon,

I know I may repeat a few of the same things that have been said, but will repeat them anyways just so you can get my authentic take.  I enjoyed the piece, short and sweet! But I do think a little bit more detail would do the piece really well.  You do a good job of capturing the mayhem, confusion, and shock of the situation.  I

n my opinion, due to the name of the piece you kind of know where the story is going, which is fine, but I think some more scene building and some conversation you could really build a suspenseful piece.  Its like reading a time bomb without a timer, you know what is coming but you don't know when.  

As you said, this was done quite some time ago and you have developed your skills, I think it would be fantastic to see a revamped version! Keep on writing, I will definitely keep my eyes open for your stuff.

-Colin


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## JamesR (Oct 11, 2014)

I liked it but I think that it would benefit if you devoted more time to developing the protagonist's thoughts and fears in order to build up suspense. Don't just delve into action; lead into it so that it's something that's built up. Do it through exploring the thoughts of someone involved in order to make it seem so much realer like the reader is really there.


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## Dustiey (Oct 16, 2014)

First off, the only hummer I have seen 'purr' was in a cartoon.  If the hummer is part cat, then go all out on the purring hummer.  That would actually be cute but traumatic at the end...poor thing.

If you replaced scorching with unbearable, it would fit better.  There is next to no shade in a desert and I am pretty sure someone would prefer being in a cabin in the Rockies then out in a wide open desert in a Humvee, especially in that region of the world.

"Interior Cabin" implies that the area he is in is inside the cab of the Humvee.  That must be an awfully tight spot for him.  I suggest taking out "interior" and shortening "cabin" to just "cab" even if you are going for a set number of words.

I do not think anyone will not try to stop their own bleeding regardless of how trivial it would be.  I suggest changing one of the "into" to through such as _...through the windshield..._ or if you're going for through and through gunshot wounds to make it more messy... _...rip through his body._

Using convoy to describe the soldiers is incorrect terminology.  Think of a convoy as a caravan.  You wouldn't call the merchants in a caravan as caravan.

"Soldiers fell as bullets peppered them." should be "Soldiers fall as bullets peppered them."

And thus, no more story...  You should have started earlier where he has a conversation with his CO, expressing his concerns about this mission.


Overall, I do find it enjoyable, but there are certain words and terms you could have changed to make it a smoother read and more understandable to people who are not familiar with things.


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## zgbgwfs (Jul 27, 2015)

Cole sits in the backseat of the HM(((WHAT IS A HM))). Listening to the purr of the engine as the Humvee makes
 its way down the Tajikistan freeway.

     The heat of the sun in the Middle East is scorching. But it beats sitting at home in the Rockies.
 Cole ponders.(((COLE PONDERS WHAT))) He decides to take note of it and scribbles chicken scratch into his tattered notepad he had gotten from his CO back on base.

     He just finishes writing when someone yells and small arms fire rings out(((SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD BE BIGGER MOMENT SMALL ARMS FIRE TEARS THRU THE AIR>.

     Figures appear to rise from the sand and open fire on the line of trucks. The driver cries out as
 bullets pound through the frame and fly(((WOULD USE SOMTHING DIFFERENT THAN FLY ITS SOUNDS SILLY TRY RIP into his legs.

    (((BULLETTS WORK THEIR WAY UP THE HUMVEE))) The line of bullets goes up the Humvee and towards the interior cabin.

     The driver looks up after attempting to stop the bleeding in his legs. His scream is cut short as
 bullets plow(USE STRONGER WORD LIKE Shatter into the windshield and rip into his body.

     By that time the convoy were out of their vehicles and returning fire.

     More and more shadows rise all around them. Soldiers fell as bullets peppered them.

     Cole feels a weight in his stomach. His fears were correct. The intel they had received was wrong.
 He was caught right in the middle of it.

     An ambush


Seems to need to be fleshed out and have some stronger images added


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