# August 2017 - LM - Because I'm Insane - Scores



## kilroy214 (Aug 28, 2017)

Smith
ppsage
bdcharles
Pluralized
total
SueC
16
13
18
16
15.75
plawrence
17
15
12
12
14.7
rcallaci
14
14
14.5
15
14.3
midnightpoet
13
13
14.5
17
14.3
Phil Istine
15
14
13.5
14
14.1
Mickd
11
16
12
17
14
wkiraly
14
15
12.5
14
13.8
Ephemeral One
15
12
14.5
11
13.1





Here we are again, peeps, that special time of the month that we like to announce the winner of the LM!
This month, in 1st Place, a newcomer to the site; *SueC *with _Because I'm Insane_
 In 2nd, *plawrence *and _The Axe Murderer_
 And in 3rd, we have a tie! * rcallaci *and* midnightpoet*with_Jumping Jack's Howling Hounds _and _George _tied for 3rd place!

I would like to thank the Judges first and foremost with their promptness with their scores and critiques, thank you very much!
 If I have made any mistakes in my math, please let me know. If you would like to 'like' and entry, now would be a great time to show an author some support!
 Congratulations everybody, see you in September!
 And now, the scores.



 [spoiler2=Smith's Scores] 
[*]*Phil Istine**
“Peeling Banana Man”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 15/20*

I have a friend who says the world is flat. The rest of us poke fun at him. Good news is he takes it well and hasn’t thrown a discus at anybody.

Was pretty clever, fitting in the Moon being “banana” shaped. Horiz is definitely bananas.

Good choice picking a subject that’s easily accessible for readers, and then showing how Horiz is different from the typical flat-earther because of his childhood resentment, and because of his plans to use explosives to lower the sea level.

However, I felt like the story itself was missing some explosives. Some sort of impact. Yeah, okay, Horiz accidentally killed a guy, and by luck that foiled his other plans. It shows that he’s crazy, which is great, but all-said-and-done it just feels like this happened, then that happened, the end. The bombing plans are too vague to be immediate or create a sense that something is at stake; there are no stakes because his plans were already foiled anyway.

Fixing that - in my opinion - would just require tweaking some of the dialogue and also the ending.

For example: through lapse of judgment Horiz is given a discus so he can try to explain his theories. We know that last time somebody called him crazy, he killed them with a discus. And so as a parallel, if Horiz has the discus when he takes a peek at the doctor’s “batshit crazy” note, the cliff-hanger might be more effective.


[*]*wkiraly**
“Proof of Sanity”
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14/20*

“... but I had no idea they could so easily fooled.” Missing ‘be’.

“So my lawyer proposed that I plead guilty by reason of insanity and this Corwin just ate it up so now I’m…” Definitely use at least one comma after ‘up’.

“‘... that was my prosecutor’s name.’ I say.” Should be a comma after ‘name’ instead of a period.

“‘No, no,’ I…”

Should be:

“‘No, no.’ I… (changed the last comma to a period)

Won’t go through and fix all of these for you. Just wanted to provide examples of some recurring errors.

Lovely twist that really made this piece shine by setting it up for a terrifying ending. Thank-you for entering!


[*]*Ephemeral One**
“Indecision”
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7.5/10
Overall: 15/20*

“I think it Tears for Fears said it once.” Reads awkwardly for me. Either get rid of the first ‘it’, or get rid of ‘I think it’.

“... sultry blonde woman. Her plump lips…” Would flow much better if the period was a comma. There are a few other instances of this throughout.

“She mutters pathetically.” ‘She’ should not be capitalized because of how it’s related with the prior dialogue. At first I thought maybe you were going for a ‘He’ sort of thing, as in reference to God, and I was going to let it slide. But it happened a couple different times after that.

Definitely a tricky subject, but you tackle it bravely in this piece. Bravo! However, I had to read it a second time to fully make sense of it. Perhaps a stronger indication of the narrator’s description / sex would help in that regard.


[*]*SueC**
“Because I’m Insane”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15/20*

Not much to complain about. Clean writing with solid voice.

The refugee bit didn’t work for me. But what did work for me was the ending. Even though I couldn’t relate to the particulars of the dialogue, I know nostalgia and regret, and also the feeling where others think you’re crazy just because you think differently.

Thanks for sharing; well done on expressing the emotion I mentioned above!


[*]*plawrence**
“The Axe Murderer”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17/20*

The suspense was so well executed, and had me completely sucked into the piece from beginning to end!

Unfortunately, I didn’t know what to make of the ending. Did she dream it? Is she actually “insane” or just a violent drunk? Maybe that was intentional, or maybe I’m letting myself get too thrown off by the part where she wakes up when the husband comes home.


[*]*rcallaci**
“Jumping Jack’s Howling Hounds”
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 14/20*

As always rcallaci, your voice is on point.

I believe you could’ve spent a lot less time on the dogs and more on the narrator (witch-lady) and her conflict with the devil; the love triangle. Because as it stands, while the story was a fun ride, it seemed to meander in an unsatisfying way.

A humorous ending. I appreciate the read!


[*]*Mickd**
“Cuckoo Birds”
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 11/20*

The formatting cost you a couple points. Not sure if you were concerned about how “stringy” and sparse things look if you don’t have long, bulky paragraphs; if my assumption here is correct, next time around just make the font bigger.

“Names Soren.” Should be “Name’s Soren.”

“He promptly poured an oyster into a shot glass filled it with vodka, added cocktail sauce, lemon, and tossed it back.”

There should be a comma after ‘glass.’ That being said, I feel like a little restructuring could help too. For example: “Soren promptly poured an oyster into a shot glass; he filled it with vodka, added cocktail sauce and lemon, then tossed it back.”

After she comes out of the restroom, the ensuing dialogue is a little hard to follow because there’s no indicators of who says what. This could be fixed by adding a “she said” or “he said” after even just one of the initiating lines in this conversation. It isn’t really clear who’s speaking until he asks Runa for her name, and a lot transpires until that point.

So much potential with this piece. It really picked up in the second half, and I thoroughly enjoyed Runa’s mini-monologue. In fact, I thought their words and actions showed how relative sanity can be. Wonderful job on that, because that isn’t something easy to show in my opinion.


[*]*midnightpoet**
“George”
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 13/20*

There seems to be a sort of formatting error throughout. Some words aren’t spaced apart when they should be. Which is a shame, because that’s so easy to fix, especially if you preview your post before submitting. Not only that, but the piece would actually have been disqualified if this has been fixed, because it would’ve put you over the word limit.

A wild piece. At the end it comes full-circle; well done. The lack of showing how Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds found George - and didn’t mention anything, or even express so much as surprise about the fact they found a living, malformed baby in the neighbor’s trash of all places - hurt the piece’s ability to suspend my disbelief.
 [/spoiler2]


 [spoiler2=ppsage's Scores]I'm delighted that quite a few entrants decided to post their stories in the public section. This competition is, in my opinion, a major draw to our site, and I feel it's a little unfortunate that so many entries are kept private. I personally haven't ever felt that the loss of first rights was going to be that big a deal for a 650 word story that's almost certainly going to require huge revision to find a publisher for which that would be a concern. ----------- I found this to be a fairly evenly matched set of entries, none of which really stood out as exceptional, but which were on the whole relatively well presented. The thing I noticed about responses to this particular prompt was that the stories tried to present preposterous situations and that apparently often led to a bit of unflattering preposterousness in the writing. 

 [1]*Phil Istine
“Peeling Banana Moon"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 7
 Overall:14*

 Review. Overall this is a clever take on the prompt and might be the most original idea in this month's entries. I like that part a lot. This is one of a couple stories in this batch which went for the mostly dialogue approach. This would be a hard way for me to approach an extra-short story because the sort of information dialogue presents well is immediacy and characterization, and otherwise it can quickly become a data-dump in quotations. I feel that happening some, for me at least, in this story, which takes a pretty big set-up for the punchline. So the characters have a lot to convey and they don't really get off the ground as personalities. I sort of think the banana moon plus the dynamite mountain are too much for this short and the second one springs up just to make an end, with insufficient grounding. Some nice images.



 [2]*wkiraly
“Proof of Sanity"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 7
 Overall:15*

 Review: This story hangs together very well. It makes sense, the ending follows perfectly. I didn't find it predictable, but I also wasn't disappointed by something so off-the-wall that it was pointless. The use of dialogue rounds the story part of the entry out well but fails to personalize the characters as much as perhaps it could. I like how the story divides into narrative and dialogue and think this boosts the flow in an engaging way. The narrative part is a bit too explainy for me and the attempts to characterize the MC simply by including some profanity don't come off very well. The piece seems completely devoid of imagery.



 [3]*Ephemeral_One
“Indecision"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 2
 Effect: 6
 Overall:12*

 Review:  It's always hard for me to judge work whose basic imagery revolves around highly cliched and sexually charged descriptions of women's bodies and apparel. Maybe if there were there some irony or other nuanced context for them but, although I understand that they are here as the fantasies of a madman, the writing really does nothing but glorify the image. The piece strikes me as more an excuse to regurgitate something already discredited, and the ending only an attempt at justification, than as something trying to be insightful and compelling. Which, with some additional effort, it probably could be. My best suggestion would be to try not being so subtle; to start exploring the madness overtly much sooner. To abandon the surprise reveal and set it up so there is a larger context from the start. 



 [4]*SueC
“Because I'm Insane ..."
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 5
 Overall:13*

 Review: I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand, it's good descriptive writing, but almost nothing happens and the point I think it's trying to make seems really muddled. I find myself agreeing with the ladies that this moralistic busy-body is, after a manner of speaking, insane. And if the point of the story is that this sort of judgmental interference ought not be countenanced than I missed it. But I feel like the narrative is trying, much too ambiguously but sincerely, to say that the MC here is the only one who knows what everybody ought to think and how they ought to behave. A more explicitly expressed position would probably make this a much more fulfilling read.



 [5]*plawrence
“The Axe Murderer"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall:15*

 Review: This story takes the insanity excuse right to the limit. Unfortunately, instead of justifying itself at that extreme, it simply cops out with the tired old dream excuse. I actually like dream stories but they have to be up front and psychological. That would probably be too much to do in a LM challenge. The tone is slightly marred by a frenetic, non-stop over the top effort, which some modulating interludes would enhance, but the writing's generally very clean and appropriate. Except for the completely deflating conclusion, this would have been a very high scorer in my book.



 [6]*rcallaci
“Jumping Jack's howling Hounds"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 6
 Overall:14*

 Review: This is what I call voice. Our narrator is definitive and stays in character very well. Of the things which can be well done in such a tiny format, this is in my mind the the number one. Some slight attention to apostrophe usage would have brought the grammar score into line. At 650 words, endings are always a pain, and the one here is a real groaner, but in this story that's at least not completely unexpected or disappointing. The Jimmy John Joe Jacob Jehominy bit amused some at first but got confusing and irritating pretty fast. I think the story might be more impactful if the incident sequence followed more necessarily, but on the other hand, the narrator is definitely scatter-brained, so a sequence of a certain randomness has some basis. 


 [7]*Mickd
“Cuckoo Birds"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall:16*

 Review: The idea of people acting out in an asylum seems like a really good fit for this prompt, but I'm not sure if that's what this ending implied or not. I feel like probably he's just making a metaphor. Other than that (probably slight) ambiguity, this story does a very decent job of getting from a to b. The characters' interaction and growth is, if anything, a little too blatant. I have decided however, after a few months of judging, that it's almost impossible to be too blatant at this length. Like all dialogue-heavy super short stories, the actual conversations are a little stilted and overly data-rich, which inevitably detracts from the personalities of the characters. I found the use of accompanying actions as dialogue tags distracting and think they'd be better as separate sentences or fragments. I don't care how life-changing it might be, I won't ever be drinking oyster shots.



 [8]*midnightpoet
“George"
 Spelling/Grammar: 2
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 7
 Overall:13*

 Review: This rather attractive entry is completely wrecked by careless posting. I don't quite remember how the joined-word flaw is engendered, but it definitely shows that the posting was not previewed. Had it been, there would be ample time for correction or even to seek assistance on the technical problems of copy/pasting. Entries always need to be previewed. The story is very weak on dramatization, it's almost entirely what people in the know call 'telling,' but in the end it's a good example of just how engagingly telling can sometimes be used. There are also a couple tense issues and some awkward wordings that might be caught with a bit more editing.

[/spoiler2]


 [spoiler2=bdcharles's Scores] *"Peeling Banana Moon"
 Phil Istine

* SPag 5/5
 T/V 3.5/5
 Effect 5/10
 total:13.5/20

 Review:
 I can't see any spag errors or anything which wobbled me out of this well-depicted, well-presented writeup, and all in all, I enjoyed the premise, nodding as it does to Sir Terry. I haven't read every discworld novel but isn't there a hospital full of people who think the world is round? But I guess, for me, other than the mention of explosives, not a huge amount happened, is the big issue. Crazy people turning out to be insane is quite tautological and allows for no narrative arc or personal development. Mental illness in its myriad forms is one of the themes closest to my heart; I suppose I am interested in the subject. Why not have them on to some sort of truth? Or, gosh, maybe even play it for laughs a la Fry and Laurie's "Psychiatrists". There is so much you can do with this - just little kinks in the concept like that really make it. But that said, this was still a wonderfully quirky read.

 ---

*"Proof of Sanity"
 wkiraly*

 SPag 4/5
 T/V 3.5/5
 Effect 5/10
 total:12.5/20

 This is a nicely flowing read. At no point was I whipped out of the story which is always a bonus, and your voice is consistent and convincing, though I guess it is a fairly well-trodden path. In terms of SPaG some of the dialogue tagging is missing commas or other approproate punctuation, but apart from that no issues. I suppose to me one problem was that there is no big event that fits the form. Guy kills his girlfriend (or whoever); guy goes to the happy farm; thinks he'll get an easy ride; turns out he possibly doesn't - fairly regular crime stuff.

 Flash is tricky because the temptation is to write it like a regular novel, but everything is not just shortened but highly compressed, like turning up the contrast on your TV. It lends itself to quite unusual stories, because you can condense that into a few powerful words, invoke a compelling picture very rapidly and go from there. With a theme of "insanity" there is so much scope to just let rip and go right off piste. You could pretty much write about anything, in any sort of voice, the most unreliable of narrators, and blame it on the insanity. Literally. That is the joy of this prompt. But all that said, your writing is absolutely fine. And I always applaud a different font choice (I myself am "serifed" too :smile: ) because it suggests care is taken over the presentation.

 ---

*"Indecision"
 Ephemeral_One*

 SPag 3/5
 T/V 4/5
 Effect 7.5/10
 total: 14.5/20

 There were several moments in this that really stood out; "She repeats the line that tears at me like Hell's own furies.", "My hands grasp at my ears trying to earn even the smallest reprieve.", "The soft click of her heels circle the heap I've become on the floor.", "You were exhausted and your passion had gone.", "I know each sensuous step is a divine gift I'm not meant for.", "Instead, I am rewarded with the faintest fairy kiss of her fingers along my cheek." These sorts of lines are a definite strength that you should continue to play to.

 However I admit I had to struggle through this twice. The first time I thought: what is this? until I reached the end, and the I is lying there, alone, and I realised it was some sort of cross-dressing-induced freakout (I had thought BDSM at first). With that in mind, and after a second read, it kind of started to work. There are quite a few grammar errors, and devices like the blindfold need more sure handling (it's off, it's on, it's off again and what even is it? The veil covering the narrator's eyes?) Some of the visuals tended towards the hammy - "What started as tremors now rock her like body borne earthquakes."; "The words cause my knees to buckle and sobs tear through my body.". It is almost there, but a way shy of controlled. The voice was, well, it is in keeping with the prompt, and the character, and not without its lol-moments. Intentional? Don't fully know. But it all sort of mostly worked.

 ---

*"Because I'm Insane"
 SueC*

 SPag 4.5/5
 T/V 4.5/5
 Effect 9/10
 Total: 18/20

 This story has very a nice buildup to it, and I really liked your voice - very well-developed and controlled, evocative and personal. The opening pace starts quite pleasant but there is a definite sense of moving towards something of note. How have you achieved this so quickly? Something about the opening line, and the windows on the fifth floor. From a fifth floor you can see things; from a fifth floor you can fall. The tone is bittersweet, longing for life outside the home yet possessing a curious sense of disconnect from it; as if the residents are imprisoned by their eternal "now" and daren't look outside it. It seems that the window is a kind of device for the narrator's mindset; accepting of (her?) situation yet still affected by, and conscious of, external goings on. She sees things out of it yet doesn't dwell overmuch on them which makes me like her as a person; someone real and whose company I mught enjoy. 

 I found this sentence "When the moments on a private patio at the back of a large, four bedroom colonial, was their only refuge." could have been tacked onto the one before it, to keep the nice lyrical flow.

 "wend their billowing ways toward the back entrance of the building." nice :smile: Great, subtle yet effective imagery in "billowing".

 I suppose the problem for this for me was that it ended where it did. I wanted to see what happened when your narrator dares to think truthfully about things gone by, where others are comfortably locked in their present. I like the tone and the think it could be the start of something larger; some sort of life affirming tale for elderly folks. As it was it ended very suddenly and somewhat anticlimactically, costing you 1 effect and .5 T/V, but that was only because the story was as engaging as it was (and of course the word limit doesn't help :smile: ). Good work. Docked you half a SPaG for caftan (should be kaftan).

---
*
"The Axe Murderer"
 plawrence*

 SPag 4.5/5
 T/V 2.5/5
 Effect 5/10
 Total: 12/20

 Generally spelling/grammar is pretty much bang-on throughout. The content is, I dunno, kind of unbelievable. Turns out it is just a dream, which is very much an easy narrative device to use. I did find alot of the expressions here were very cliched too: she wheeled and headed for Alyssa’s room, her eyes the shape of saucers.

 Watch also for your similes and metaphors, eg: " the trembling rippling through her body like waves hitting the beach." Context matters, and in this situation, waves hitting the beach is a bit out of place, being a fear-free and summery image in the midst of an frenzied axe assault. This "ripping the mattress open like a can." is much better.

 The same applies to tone and voice. For example, "Shirley’s countenance terrified her." may be in fact what happened, but it is not really the right language. The word "countenance" is not the sort of word that would flash through one's mind at this moment. Try and portray things in the way they are experienced.

 The POV switches alot here, which means we cannot easily identify with any one character. One minute we are the mother, having internal thoughts and rage, the next we are Alyssa, being terrified and cowering. If you stick to one POV in these short pieces, it really can make that character come alive. It forces you also to think about exactly how you write, as you have to present other people's moods via stuff like body language and carefully-depicted external objects, rather than simply writing as things occur to you.

 One .5 SpaG from this: "a little peace and quiet wont fix" (apostrophe in "won't"; though it is a typo rather than not knowing, I see)

---

*"Jumping Jack’s howling Hounds"
 rcallaci*

 SPag 4.5/5
 T/V 4/5
 Effect 6/10
 Total: 14.5/20

 I'm a fan of the 5-jizzler and his down-dog bayou narrator's voice. I love the voodoo, the hoodoo and the juju that surrounds it. It is very very infectious.

 Would such a raconteur use words like "pseudo-grandparents"? There must be a better way.

 I know I'm always calling you out on your bayou fauna, and I am conscious that you probably know more about that than I ever will, but I simply cannot picture sheep farming in those southern wetlands. Dogs, yes. Hellhounds, hell yes, but that geography - and remember, in writing, particularly shorts, everything is hyperstylised and there's not much room for ambiguity and grey areas - doesn't match up, to me. Sheep = cool upland weather; bayou + 5J = hot + humid. This and the above cost you a T/V.

 "I think I failed to mention that me and Jimmy and were once hitched. " - Ohh, the narrator is female! Need this info sooner :smile: Paragraph 5 needs to be paragraph 1. That way you establish all that needs establishing, and avoid this sudden time slip midway through. And she's a sheep farmer too. She is ... quite the polymath.

 "pure swamp truth" - I love this expression! I love using landscapes as an embodiment of something, and there's always an eerie feel about fens and wetlands; marsh-gas spirits, or something. Something where man is an interloper. Swamp troof better'n dry-land troof, mm-hmm.

 I suppose in the end I am not entirely sure what happened here, nor what it had to do with the prompt. Something about dogs and then Whatsherface McBoohag kicks him in the bags. I mean, I'm sure he deserved it, being a no good, lyin' down, gator diddlin' sorta ferret muncher, but come on. :smile: More, more, more. That cost you a chunk of your effect. All that being said, are there more of 5J's exploits out in the world? If you haven't made a longer piece concerning him and his boggy boatland happenings, you should. He is a great character and so are his associates :smile:

---

*"Cuckoo Birds"
 Mickd*

 SPag 3/5
 T/V 3/5
 Effect 6/10
 Total: 12/20

 First, I love the names of your characters; Soren and Runa. On that basis alone I could invest a great deal. 

 Alot of the story I found a bit confusing. What have Cuckoo Birds to do with anything? What about the prompt? It seems to bear tangential relevance to the story. And what exactly happens? Guy meets a girl, they have oysters, and he follows her into the ladies? 

 SPaG had a few wobbles, particularly round dialogue tagging; eg:
 Flashing him a shy smile,_[ she said, ]_ “Ok but first I must use the lady’s room.”

Watch for shopworn phrases: "I know this great little place just around the corner" - cliches like this tend to undermine unique voice and character.

 I did feel that there was much here that was underdeveloped. I quite like the characters - particularly her - but felt this story deserved a more compelling situation or event. There is a lot of talking-head dialogue which risks overshadowing any story. The prompt is about madness which is one of my favourite subjects (I know how that sounds!) as it gives people carte blanche to explore a lot of interesting subjects and methods. Maybe you could extend this further and examine what happens next for these 2. 

---
*
"George"
 midnightpoet*

 SPag 4.5/5
 T/V 4/5
 Effect 6/10
 Total: 14.5/20

 I see you have gone for quite a fable-like, story-round-the-fire voice in this, which I quite like; some people may say it is too much telling and no show and they may be right but for me it works, particularly for this creepster setting. It is preparing the reader for some notable event at the end. And by and large you deliver the weirdness, though perhaps not quite weird enough; it is somewhat predictable, albeit satsifying, where this story is going.

 Watch out for tense slippage: "A fire has started" - in the present, but everywhere else is in the past. Also you refer to the baby as it, him, it, and then him again. 

 Ellipsis at the end? Really? We get it. We don't need the _dun-dun-duuunns_. :smile:  [/spoiler2]


 [spoiler2=Pluralized's Scores] What an honor yet again to be able to take part in this awesome competition, and to be able to offer comments and judge these stories. Great work all - really enjoyed this round. Without further ado, here are my scores:
*Phil Istine*
*"Peeling Banana Moon"*
*Score: 14
*
 Well, this was well written enough. Thought it was clean, clever. Not sure it had enough impact - I think it lost me at that bit about the mountains. This could have really packed a great ending punchline rather than the flat-earth guy just being deemed crazy by a psychiatrist - not much ending to savor since we knew that going in.
 Only mistake I spotted was "The psychiatrist looked down his notes..." which could be correct I guess but rather seems to need the word 'at' to function as intended.
 Great line: "But I wouldn't read any of that filth." - Loved it. Good tone and voice, good job with the mechanics, rather soft on impact. Overall good, enjoyed.

*Wkiraly*
*"Proof of Sanity"*
*Score: 14*

 This is well done, good solid flow and idea here. Definitely could use some fleshing out around the MC, but with first-person present tense I guess it's tough to do exposition of any meaningful variety. Left me wondering who 'the bitch' really was and how exactly her money would be sitting waiting for dude to finish out his easy hospital stay - would have enjoyed going down that rabbit trail vs. Corwin, et al.
 Pretty nice writing, clean overall and enjoyed. Couple minor nits is all I found aside from stylistic disagreements (opening couple lines produce some discordant rhythm in my mind):
 "I just know were" - 'we're'
 "Ugbubbah" should have a period. :smile:
 "Bruggudadda" should have a comma.
 Nice job.

*Ephemeral One*
*"Indecision"*
*Score: 11*

 Some mechanical nits detracted from overall flow:
 "I think it Tears"
 Her's - hers
 "Supple chest"
 A-cups
 "Pert buttocks"
 "Ample hips"

 Aside from nits I think it’s got a bit too much tense-shifting and odd meter in the prose. It’s badly in need of a de-tangling for general flow. That doesn’t help the primary issue with the story: characters that I am unable to understand or relate to in the slightest because of the odd dialogue and incongruous emotional interchanges. This tormented main character and the goddess-overblown caricature of a woman (Jessica), they’re just disposable at the end of the day because there is nothing in the story to make me even begin to care about their situation.

 If there’s one major success in this piece, it is the consistency of the author’s almost-seen enjoyment of this female antagonist’s beauty and voluptuous malignance. I am just so close to grasping some kind of metaphorical breakthrough here at the ending but it lacked impact.

 It’s a shame, because I can sense a simmering undercurrent of passion in the writing. Just poorly executed, in my view. Sorry this didn’t work better for me.

*SueC*
*"Because I'm Insane . . ."*
*Score: 16*

 The Whole premise here appears to be these lovely ‘moments’ observed with the caftan gals, which I found to be nice and well written. The vocabulary and prose get off to a decent start. The story had me, lost me, had me, and almost lost me again. It’s maybe a bit too long-winded at the outset describing the place, but still I thoroughly enjoyed it. Suggestions, if I were to be so bold, would be to give one of the caftan gals a name and maybe one specifically spicy story, something we can glom onto. I’m not actually sure what my reaction is meant to be with the revelation at the ending where these longings and desires our main character has are somehow deemed too ‘crazy’ for the caftan gals yet they are tame but just about any measure. The sex bit maybe, though I still feel like any group of women by themselves can discuss sex openly, right? I’m not one, so who knows. Ending fell flat for me, is what I’m trying to say. But I liked this piece a lot and felt like it had color, tone, voice, and beauty. Well done.

 Nits I saw:
“owned homes of their own” vs. “owned a home of their own”
moments ‘were’ their only refuge vs. “was”

*plawrence*
*“The Axe Murderer”*
*Score: 15*

 The thing that jumps right out at me in this style of writing is an overt tendency to lean on emotional descriptions rather than allowing the attitudes and actions of the character to imply same. For instance, “Furious, she …” or when the story says “Close to exploding, she…” These are unnecessary and unhelpful if you’re wanting the writing to stand on its own two feet. I’m distracted by these emotional giveaways. Think, for instance, of what would happen if we were to omit this line: “as if Alyssa was afraid of what was on the other side.” = better because we trim some word count and thus gain capacity, and clear out some of this cluttery stuff that we can allow the reader to ascertain through well, reading.

 The mattress was ripped open like a can… I didn’t get that visual.

 And so, like that, mother has axe-chopped daughter for playing music too loud. But then it’s all a dream? I suppose it’s a quick way to end the thing so you can keep word count down, and I didn’t hate it, but it felt a bit cheap toward the end. Still want to commend you on a mostly clean, mostly well written story that flowed nicely and held itself together. Nice work.

*Rcallaci *
*“Jumping Jack’s Howling Hounds”*
*Score: 15*

 Man, you never disappoint with that imagination and these wacky characters. Loved this one. I wish it were such that the writing was cleaner, as I cannot help but deduct points for prose here. The voice is on point though, and super unique. Thanks for the crazy, rollicking tale here.

*Mickd*
*Cuckoo Birds*
*Score: 17*

 Fantastic dialogue, though at times I wanted for just one or two speech tags. I think it was extremely well done overall though, especially in light of not having any; I hardly wondered who was talking and when. Story moved fast, and the conclusion seems decent enough and intentional. Didn’t knock my socks off but I felt that warm sense of completion that marks a good ending. I think this is well written and enjoyable.

 Minor nits along the way, mostly in and around the attributions. For example, “Flashing him a shy smile,” which is used to lead into dialogue – not exactly correct. Same goes for “He stared at her blankly,”.

Well done.

*Midnightpoet*
*“George”*
*Score: 17*

 Man, the formatting really glitched on this one, which I have done my best to overlook assuming it’s a conversion issue created by pasting in from a word processor and not actually created by the author – so I’m torn on whether it’s fair to ding you for the words sticking together throughout. I can imagine it’s no fun trying to re-separate all those words in the text box before submitting the story, but can’t help feeling you should have. Trying to not let that impact my reading too much.

 The story itself is such fun! This George oaf, weak of mind but stout of body (and stomach!). What a very imaginative and delicious tale of brutal cannibalism by necessity. It’s like, hey George, there’s probably food in the neighbor’s freezer, or maybe he wouldn’t resort to cannibalism QUITE so fast, but hey – makes for great flash fiction.

 Loved the return of the claw – that little detail is worth its weight in gold.

 I loved it – and only winced a little bit when you brought back Bobbi Jo at the end. Great job. Docking for formatting and some clunkiness in the narrative voice, but man the impact factor for this flash is up there with the best. I wish those mechanical issues didn’t exist – it would be a clear winner. [/spoiler2]


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## midnightpoet (Aug 28, 2017)

Thanks, guys. Congrats to the winners, several good stories on a close match. The formatting issues weren't in the original text.  After I sent it real life intervened and I didn't get back in time to fix it.  I've had transfer problems before - anyway, the issues raised are good ones, and I hope to revise it and send it out.  George is actually the protagonist here, and he didn't know he was going wrong - and except for the Reynolds, no one else in the story was likable.  The ending was poetic justice, but it also frames the story.


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## Pluralized (Aug 28, 2017)

Great job SueC, and congrats to the runners-up. As always, hats' off to Kilroy for flawless execution and cheers to you other judges - really one of my favorite parts of this is to review the other judges' scoring and see how/if our thoughts aligned. Always insightful to see where I can improve as an impartial judge for these beautiful creative works. 

Thanks for the opportunity to be a part of this. 

Now, there are gorillas to threesome, so please go vote now in the LM September Prompt Poll.


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## Mickd (Aug 29, 2017)

Congratulations to the winners. Never fails to amaze me just how creative, talented, and diverse the WF community is, and it was fun to compete among the best of them. Thanks to the judges for their hard work and devotion making this competition possible. I’ll take the comments I received and build on them as I continuously strive to become a better writer. 

Thanks again,

Mickd


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## bdcharles (Aug 29, 2017)

Wow the scores are really tight. Thanks to host, judges, and all the entrants for the reads


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## Phil Istine (Aug 29, 2017)

Thank you to the other entrants, the judges and the host for making this challenge possible.  Well done SueC.

I enjoyed taking part but I struggled a little with this one.  I tried adapting mine from a much longer story that I'm writing but I didn't pare it down as well as I hoped. I see ways that I might have done it better; it lost impact en route.

Just to clear up some queries:  Smith.  Horiz didn't actually kill the unnamed character with the discus, but there's no way of knowing that from this piece.  The discus was a treasured gift from his parents - mainly because it was the only one they ever gave him.

ppsage:  I thought about posting this in the public section, but it is a (not very good) attempt at condensing a small portion of a much longer story that I'm writing.  I totally accept that it didn't work so well in extra-short format.

bdcharles.  Shame on me - I've never read any of Terry Pratchett's Discworld stories.  I will have to do so now  .  I would prefer to write my own story about the 'Flatties' before doing so though, as I wouldn't want to inadvertently copy any of his ideas.  You say there is a lot I can do with this.  Hopefully, those things will shine through when I've eventually completed the much longer version.

Pluralized. It's pretty funny that you homed in on : "looking down [at] his notes".  It's funny because, when writing and editing, I did ponder whether to include "at" - though you would have no way of knowing this.  I omitted the "at" because I wanted to portray the psychiatrist as follows:  At first he was interested in his client, but then rapidly lost interest (I tried to show this by revealing a couple of the psychiatrist's thoughts).  By omitting "at", I wanted to give the impression that he was already looking at the top end of his notes when Horiz was speaking (broken eye contact/not so interested) - so he only had to look down them rather than down_ at_ them.  It might have been better had I chosen a clearer way to show this, but it can become tricky in a tight word count.

I really appreciate the judges' attention to detail.  Hopefully, my eventual longer story on this concept will be better for your scrutiny.


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## rcallaci (Aug 29, 2017)

Thanks to all, the judges, host and of course the writers who participated in this event. Congrats to SueC for highest score- a well told story. All of the stories were quite good give yourselves a pat on the head 

Smith--This was a narrative from a mad and certifiably insane Voodoo Witch woman. She was telling her story because of the hounds- all the other stuff was just a little backstory explaining who and where the hounds came from. She was a pissed off spurned voodoo woman Of course the devils triangle is a story unto itself. 

ppsage--- jimmy jimmy jimmy jam jones  was a jumping jack fool who plays dice with the devil that's what old jumping jack jimmy jam jones is and was. Annoying of course--that's jimmys way to get under your skin and grate your nerves I'm just the writer, the  voodoo witch is the one who made me over alliterate

pluralized--- I do need to work on my prose, clean up those clunky sentence structures, and some poor wording. The flow was off. I love my wacky characters they really are alive in my mind. I can hear and see them as I write. I'm glad you got a kick out of this as I view you as an imaginative and wacky storyteller--kindred spirits....

bdcharles--- I love jimmy jam and will be writing many stories involving him the devil, the hounds and the  voodoo witch. I'm quite heartened that you like these characters almost as much as I do. 

Now as to the sheep- there are sheep in the Louisiana bayous. They're called Louisiana Scrub--a native sheep to the gulf coast. There are a few bayous farms that raise the sheep as well as cattle. Now as to climate, sheep can roam anywhere, sheep farming in Australia is a huge industry and that place is damn hot I should have called them scrubs but I was afraid no one would know what the hell I was talking about. 

MY heartfelt thanks to all


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## bdcharles (Aug 29, 2017)

rcallaci said:


> Now as to the sheep- there are sheep in the Louisiana bayous. They're called Louisiana Scrub--a native sheep to the gulf coast. There are a few bayous farms that raise the sheep as well as cattle. Now as to climate, sheep can roam anywhere, sheep farming in Australia is a huge industry and that place is damn hot I should have called them scrubs but I was afraid no one would know what the hell I was talking about.



Well, I'll be dadgum.


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## Smith (Aug 29, 2017)

Appreciate you hosting the challenge kilroy, as always.

Apologies to SueC; I didn't add up my points correctly, and awarded you a 15 instead of the 16 I'd intended. In any case, congratulations to you on first, and of course a shout-out to all of the other contestants who did a great job. A close competition indeed. I'd look forward to reading pieces from all of you again.

Also, I agree with Plur's sentiments. I learn just as much from judging this challenge and comparing my critique to that of the other judges, as I do from entering the fray myself.

Cheers,

-Kyle

EDIT: Went through and double-checked. I added up all of my other scores correctly.


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## SueC (Aug 29, 2017)

Thank you, Kyle. I feel very honored, and thank you so much for providing the correct tally. Everyone did such a terrific job, and I know it was close! This place is awesome! Sue


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## plawrence (Sep 1, 2017)

This is my third one of these. Silly me, I just discovered you could read the judge's comments. Now I have to go back and read the previous months'. Never too late to learn, I guess.

UPDATE: I sure wish I had read the critiques sooner. I've now gone back through all of them and learned a great deal. And it wasn't just three. It was five.


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