# 2035 A.D (602 Words)



## Bard_Daniel (Oct 25, 2015)

I originally wrote this for the "Recycled Parts" LM but did not complete it in time. It is one of my first attempts at sci-fi. Please critique!


==
_*
2035 A.D.*_​ 

    Cliff tightened the bolts with his old greased-up wrench. Next came the screwdriver, which he used to put in the screws-- the final touch. When he was finished he looked over what he had accomplished with only his mind, some recycled parts and his two rough callused hands. Cliff had been tinkering with the machine for weeks, but had yet to test it out. He was a perfectionist, through and through, and wanted to make sure things were perfect before he booted it up.

    It was a robot about three feet tall. The machine had cans as arms, an old mocked-up CPU for its core and a television screen operating as its head. His creation would roll around on tracks that he had found from a discarded tank. He took in a deep breath as he fumbled for the switch, turning it to the ON position.

    The machine beeped and moved slightly forward. Its head scanned, ever-so-slightly, to the left and then to the right. When it saw Cliff it stopped.  

    "Hello!" it beamed, the voice coming out as squeaky and friendly. "My name is Bebop. Who are you?'

    He smiled. It was reminiscent of the same expression that he had bestowed on his friends after they had complimented him, or when his children had begged him for one more bedtime story. "I'm Cliff."

    Bebop moved forward until it was about half a foot away from him. It extended one of its arms and looked up at Cliff. "Pleased to meet you!"  

    Cliff shook the little machine's arm gently.

    Bebop let down his arm and moved backwards until it was able to survey the nearby objects. The only light was from candles, which were placed in tiny little cages that hung from the ceiling. They gave enough light for Cliff to do his work and he guessed that Bebop, as it swiveled its head, was assessing. His speakers made sounds that reminded Cliff of R2-D2 from Star Wars.

    "We are in a garage," Bebop said, rotating his head backwards to stare at Cliff. "... and it looks like we have been here for quite some time. This is where you live, is it not?"

    "Yes," Cliff said. "It is. This is where I made you."

    Bebop backed up until it was in front of Cliff again. A light from its chest turned on, pointing at Cliff's head. "You are tall, skinny, slightly malnourished. You haven't shaved in a month, and, judging by my calculations..." it stopped, making several beeping noises. ":... you probably haven't showered in at least that long."

    Cliff smiled again, nodding. "Correct, Bebop."

    "Your smile... it's strange. You give the outward appearance of being happy but I can detect, judging from my memory of facial structures, that you are sad. I don't understand. Am I wrong?"

    Cliff turned away, the smile vanishing from his face. He wiped at his eyes.

    "You are tired," Bebop said, more softly, moving beside him. "But my real question still remains... where are we?"

    Cliff looked down at his creation. "Do you want to see?"

    Bebop beeped and boomed. "My curiosity is piqued. Yes!"

    Cliff went to the shutters of the garage. His hand hovered on the chains that could open them. "Are you sure?"

    "Absolutely."

    The shutters opened. Bebop rolled on its tracks outside, scanning far and wide. There were buildings but they were in various stages of dilapidation. Bebop rotated its eyes, taking in everything. There was no sign of anything even remotely alive.

    "What is this place?" Bebop asked.

    "New York City," Cliff softly replied. "Or what's left of it."


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## Pluralized (Oct 25, 2015)

Hi Daniel! Fun little story, and nicely written. Wanted more interaction and buildup with the mad scientist before we get swept away watching Bebop do his thing, so would suggest expanding there. Also there needs to be a bit more climactic action than just the revelation of the ruined city. Need some pain, some friction here. 

make _sure _things were perfect 

curiosity is _piqued_


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## Harper J. Cole (Oct 30, 2015)

A sad little story, well written. Like *Pluralized*, I would have liked to have seen more, but the LM word limit obviously comes into play there.



> He was a *perfectionist*, through and through, and wanted to make sure things were *perfect* before he booted it up.



It improves the flow of your writing if you can avoid using the same word, or variations of it, twice in quick succession. I'd recommend replacing 'perfect' with a synonym.

HC


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## escorial (Oct 30, 2015)

fun read...


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## chrisatola (Oct 31, 2015)

Hey danielstj,

I enjoyed the story. I don't know if I can add much that hasn't already been covered by the other folks.  I think the biggest improvement would be the pain/ friction pluralized mentioned.  You introduce us with his emotional response, but then we see a destroyed city and that's it...See if you can give us more of the personal tragedy that shapes the reaction. It seems much deeper than the ruins of NY.

It was very engaging, though, and the curiosity kept me reading.


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## CRAlexander (Nov 5, 2015)

As said above, I would try to avoid repetition.  In this example;

_He was a *perfectionist*, through and through, and wanted to make sure things were *perfect*__ before he booted it up._

There is a repetition of perfect.  Rather than go with a synonym I would pick whichever you feel is stronger and go with that, cutting the other.  He was a perfectionist.  Okay, I know he's going to make things perfect then, you don't need to tell me (and vice versa).  Not only will the writing be tighter and stronger, but it'll free up valuable real estate in your word count.  Just my opinion.

It's a fun story, I like the curious little robot.  My only confusion regarding bebop was size.  When you said the tracks came from a discarded tank I was thinking something huge, but then later on he seemed to be small.

One part made me reread to try and understand, as I thought I read it wrong.  

_Bebop let down his arm and moved backwards until it was able to survey  the nearby objects._

Then later;

_Bebop backed up until it was in front of Cliff again._

I went back to double check if I missed some movement somewhere, but I don't think I did.  There was some head movement, but in any case I was confused by who was where in the room, specifically direction of travel.  It seems like he backs away from Cliff, then backs up back to him.

You have a good handle on non verbal cues, I feel like I can understand how Cliff is feeling by his actions and body language.  Great!

With the NYC reveal I know why it's a big deal, but I'm not from NYC.  I'm not even American.  It's a huge event whatever has happened, no question, but I'm not personally invested in it to the degree the character is.  I feel like you're going for an emotional ending, but I'm just not there.  I'm waiting for the next thing to happen, but it's over.  I'm not sure what your word count cap was on this, or if that played a factor, but I'd like to see more about why this means so much to Cliff.  

Overall it's a solid foray into sci-fi.  Write on!  I enjoyed it, and would read more.


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## Josh Colon (Nov 6, 2015)

Interesting.
I have a co-worker who wants 'us' to build her a robot.  I think she wants
something like your 'Bebop', highly intelligent and capable of higher thought.
(And, of course, I haven't the necessary skill sets to achieve her goal.)

Like CRAlexendar, the use of 'tracks that he had found from a discarded tank' just didn't work.
Most tanks are HUGE and a couple of the treads would probably weigh more than the entire robot.
Perhaps if you had used 'discarded toy tank' instead?  I think a toy tank would be more the right 
size, and it would give more parts for reuse.

(Just my opinion.)  Josh.


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## Mariana (Nov 9, 2015)

A nice story overall and I especially loved the surprise ending. However it might add a bit too it if in the first few paragraphs you could give a few little hints as to the dark background of the story. I mean, obviously you did put in those hints when Bebop noted Cliff’s sadness and the fact that he’s malnourished and hadn’t bathed in a while but for some reason I think it might add more if you threw in some small hint right from the very  beginning. It could be as subtle as a description of the room that would somehow have a sad/spooky/etc’ feel to it.


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## ned (Nov 10, 2015)

Enjoyed the read - love futuristic stuff, anything can happen!

the writing is pretty good - but needs tightening, to help the flow.
the opening is crucial, and needs to be clear and uncluttered.

Cliff tightened the bolts with his old greased-up wrench. Next came the  screwdriver, which he used to put in the screws-- the final touch. When  he was finished he looked over what he had accomplished with only his  mind, some recycled parts and his two rough callused hands

Cliff tightened the bolts with his old greased-up wrench - the final touch, and looked over what he had accomplished with (only) recycled parts and his (own) two hands.

His speakers made sounds that reminded Cliff of R2-D2 from Star Wars. - and the way it talks reminds me of that gold butler robot from Star Wars.
 - (and a one time jump from its to his?).

thanks for sharing
Ned


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## Minu (Nov 12, 2015)

It was an interesting read, however, I find the robot has no oomph and maybe it is just me, but that lack makes the rest a dull read. I mean here is the guy, Cliff, who has put obviously put in quite a few hours for his creation and the robot coming alive is rather anticlimactic. It has all the excitement of turning on the TV after unpacking it and finding yes, the TV works. 

I'd have expected something more along the lines of Victor Frankenstein. Pride, excitement, etc. 

Other than that it is a funny little story.


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## Nym P. Seudo (Nov 12, 2015)

Tank treads are HUGE! Maybe a different tread would suffice.

Also, you use the robot as a framework to explain the man: his physical traits, his emotional state, etc, etc. It's a unique way of providing us with info a standard omniscient narrator would give us anyways, but I think it limits what the robot can be, aside from a mouthpiece. Most importantly, the robot is too capable and composed. Its incredibly intelligent and observant. We don't develop empathy or investment towards it. We need more 'newborn-fawn-mastering-the-art-of-standing-up' (if you get what I mean.)


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## Minu (Nov 12, 2015)

Nym P. Seudo said:


> Tank treads are HUGE! Maybe a different tread would suffice.
> 
> Also, you use the robot as a framework to explain the man: his physical traits, his emotional state, etc, etc. It's a unique way of providing us with info a standard omniscient narrator would give us anyways, but I think it limits what the robot can be, aside from a mouthpiece. Most importantly, the robot is too capable and composed. Its incredibly intelligent and observant. We don't develop empathy or investment towards it. We need more 'newborn-fawn-mastering-the-art-of-standing-up' (if you get what I mean.)



Tank treads are huge but there are different versions. A tankette - a car sized "tank" - would be too large. Even a snowmobile's track sounds rather large for what appears to be a small machine. 

I agree with the baby fawn discovering the world aspect, it doesn't exist here and maybe that was what lacking when I read it - aside from the inventor's dull reaction. I mean even the movie _I, Robot _which had super high-tech robots had a sort of "fawn" personality to the main robotic character [when he was questioning life, etc.].


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## alanmt (Nov 12, 2015)

Well done, Daniel.

The writing is solid, which means I was free to focus on the story; my immersion in your world wasn't interrupted by issues of style or correct use of language, though as others have noted, the reference to tank tracks confused me momentarily as to the robot's size.

I think you've told an engaging, complete tale within the admittedly severe constraints of the LM guidelines, and my only real issue was the complexity of the robot's independent thought processes and ability to interact, which either required very complex programming or are the result of using a very special cpu, while your opening makes Cliff seem more a mechanic than a computer design engineer. What I would like to see is for you to take this outside the LM constraints and add another 2000 words, because I see the beating heart of a good longer short story here.


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## Rumpleteazer (Nov 13, 2015)

I like the story overall and particularly the post apocalyptic ending. However, the robot jumps very quickly from the on button being pressed to being a fully functioning artificially intelligent almost sentient appearing machine. This takes away from how believable the story as whole is. I realise that this would be difficult to address within such a short story.


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## Maxton (Nov 26, 2015)

I thought it was well composed, certainly a lot better then some of the stories I have read on FFN.  I personally want to know more about Cliff. Why is he sad? Sure I can see him being upset about the death of NYC, but after a bit of time, he will be numb to that pain. So why is he currently sad? Is it like I Am Legend, were he is the last one in NYC?
I also was confused about the robots size, as useable treads are never small, unless they come from a toy. 

Also was a bit confused, as was pointed out earlier, by the  disconnect between were he is moving. As was stated by CRalexander.
"_Bebop let down his arm and moved backwards until it was able to survey  the nearby objects.

_ Then later;

_Bebop backed up until it was in front of Cliff again."

_That bit threw me off.  Other then what I feel are minor issues, as voiced by many here, I thought it good.  I would love to see this massively expanded and would likely enjoy reading it from start to finish one night while I suffer from insomnia.


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## MrTiggles (Dec 13, 2015)

Really enjoyed this Piece, a few things to look at.
In your first paragraph you use perfectionist and perfect very close to each other. May be better to find an alternate word choice.

I like the idea of Beebop, but he almost seems to human and might be better more robotish.


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## Peasley (Jan 4, 2016)

It's a very solid start to a dystopian, apocalyptic type story, I wish I could know why Cliff was so happy to finally have Bebop. Did he remind him of lost friends? Lost loved ones? Or even, is he the last human being on Earth? Keep on writing this one.


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## bdcharles (Jan 4, 2016)

Hi. I liked it but for me the main event - the realisation that NYC has been destroyed - comes quite late. This is all a new thing for me where I would always put the big event at the end, to say "look! A twist! A cliffhanger!" but now suspect that the interesting thing happens _in _the brave new world, not leading up to it (yet to write anything to that format of course!)

The good news however is that you could trim some of the earlier text to bring that forward, because I did think there is a little bit of overwriting; eg:. for the first 3 paras, remove all the filler, all the "was"s and the "slightly"s and other stuff, details about the tools apart from the fact of them, and just bob us into his new experience:

===============================
Cliff tightened the bolts with his old greased-up wrench, laid it aside and looked over what his  mind and his two rough callused hands had accomplished; a robot, about three feet tall, soup-cans as arms, old overclocked CPU for its core. A television screen perched on its neck. He took in a deep breath as he fumbled for the  switch, turning it to the ON position.

    The machine beeped and moved slightly forward on its recycled toy tank-tracks. The TV-head swivelled left and right, and when it saw Cliff,  it stopped.
===============================

Then, let's get on to the first main event: NYC is gone. Okay. Bring that in as the setting 'cos its a good one. But what's the actual event? What's amazing? Will Bebop help Cliff track down that elusive other human? Will he be Cliff's only company? I saw a great film, "Ex Machina" the other day, that deals with the growing sentience of AI and what it all means, so there's a trove of work out there. You foreshadow it with Bebop's comment on Cliff's sadness so - develop it. We have event one - we need event two.

Another thing is that the science is not totally correct. Someone mentioned tank tracks being too big for this project. Another is that TVs are output devices so why does Bebop have one on his head where a camera would be better. Or both. I undersand that that is how Bebop looks, that's the vision, but just I dunno, whack a webcam on there: "The TV-head, topped by the winking lens of a cannibalised closed-circuit camera, scanned..."

Also what does "mocked up" mean? To me that is a model of something. Would a model of a CPU work? Why not just use a CPU? You can "overclock" it if you want to retain the sound of the word

Anyway, hope this helps.


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## lvcabbie (Jan 4, 2016)

I hope you accept this criticism for what it is meant to be - help.

Cliff tightened the bolts with his , then laid the old greased-up wrench aside. Next came the  screwdriver, which he used to put in the screws-- the final touch. When  he was finished he looked over what he had accomplished with only his  mind, some recycled parts and his two rough callused hands. Cliff had  been tinkeringed with the machine for weeks, but had yet to test it out.  He was a perfectionist, through and through, and wanted to make sure  things were perfect before he booted it up.

It was a The robot was about three feet tall. The machine had cans as arms,  an old mocked-up CPU for its core and a television screen operating as  its head. His creation would rolled around on tracks that he had found  from a discarded tank. He took in a deep breath as he fumbled for the  switch, turning it to the ON position.

The goal is to make it crisper - remove all the unnecessary prose. Does that seem better to you?


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## Winston (Jan 18, 2016)

I'll just join the bandwagon, i.e. "the robot is too smart for a newborn".  To me, easily fixable with an additional paragraph or two of Cliff training Bebop.  Basic cognitive stuff.
Then, at the end of your segment, Bebop could ask where are the other people.  This could draw the reader in as Cliff explains death to the child-like robot.
Overall, good premise and a solid start.


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