# My Apology



## sore (Mar 13, 2013)

The smoke dances away from
your lips
as you set down your book
to collect floating stars that
are only visible in the sunlight.

         Every turn of a page dropped
a wilted flower
on my lap and I
sat there listening to each
one of them weep over its
shrivelled leaves: parch and limp
        you sat there with me
mourning the loss of your
hopes and dreams;
       many of us believe they
are the only
things that keep you sane
in this insane world,
but you had neglected them
like you had neglected
me and this is my apology:
I killed myself from the inside
out; I have been smashed
and put back together so
many times nothing works
right. Nothing is where it
should be: heavy thumping
in my shoulder where my heart
now beats.
         (I tried to drown my
sorrows but they learned
how to swim)


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## coolcold40 (Mar 13, 2013)

Interesting, this made me think of a break up and even though the person was saying sorry it has the feel of not being their fault.  I like how you brought the flowers out in the beginning as if they too had feelings in their own way for the person.  It also has the feeling of death, of a person being shot in the first part.  Over all I liked it.


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## sore (Mar 13, 2013)

thank you very much


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## hiatus (Mar 13, 2013)

I like stuff that makes me visualize. I'm not the best poet but I get the mood; that's what poetry about right? Very nice. Wish i was good enough to find something to constructive to say


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## Vitaly Ana (Mar 15, 2013)

This is a great basis for a poem. I would advise stepping away from it for a while and then coming back to tighten it up a little (if you choose to).

I think in some places this almost reads as a note to someone instead of a poem but, like I said, great foundation for a piece! Thanks for posting!!


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## sore (Mar 16, 2013)

thank you


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## Sunny (Mar 16, 2013)

Wow! This one is really good. LOVE IT! Keep posting.. I'm gonna come back to keep reading them!


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## bajmahal (Mar 16, 2013)

This is beautifully written.  I love the sense of co-dependency - how 
"..._you_ sat there with me
 mourning the loss of _your_
hopes and dreams;" 
coupled with an apology in which the one being apologized to is also being blamed at the same time.


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## sore (Mar 16, 2013)

wow thanks so much!


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## Rolaska (Mar 16, 2013)

You know I find it very very difficult to find poetry that I actually like. That's why critiquing for this site is so tedious for me because it's hard to look at something objectively that you are subjectively disinterested in. That being said, this was just... utterly amazing. I loved it so much. It drew me in. The last part is so relatable. It made me tear up. This was just fantastic. Very very very good. I guess I just found the entire poem itself very relatable... Maybe not the content itself, but the way you feel things. I just understood where the narrator was coming from emotionally. It was very easy to feel. Good good good good good job. I loved it.


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## Segrotlo (Mar 16, 2013)

Still reading.




> (I tried to drown my
> sorrows but they learned
> how to swim)


Good line.


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## sore (Mar 16, 2013)

Rolaska said:


> You know I find it very very difficult to find poetry that I actually like. That's why critiquing for this site is so tedious for me because it's hard to look at something objectively that you are subjectively disinterested in. That being said, this was just... utterly amazing. I loved it so much. It drew me in. The last part is so relatable. It made me tear up. This was just fantastic. Very very very good. I guess I just found the entire poem itself very relatable... Maybe not the content itself, but the way you feel things. I just understood where the narrator was coming from emotionally. It was very easy to feel. Good good good good good job. I loved it.



wowow thank you so so much. I'm so happy you liked it that much, it means a lot!


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## MeeQ (Mar 16, 2013)

The smoke dances away from
your lips
as you set down your book
to collect floating stars that
are only visible in the sunlight.
(This whole introduction could be a set piece all by itself. My favorite part of the entire poem... which is uneasy for me, because sappy is not really my... thing)


Every turn of a page dropped
a wilted flower
on my lap and I
sat there listening to each
one of them weep over its
shrivelled (misspelling of shriveled) leaves: parch and limp


you sat there with me
mourning the loss of your
hopes and dreams;
many of us believe they
are the only
things that keep you sane
in this insane world,
(I enjoyed this part, even though I disagree, insanity keeps you sane, not whinging about it. still, I sympathise, and that's a sign of good writing)

but you had neglected them
like you had neglected me
and this is my apology:
(I moved the me around, I feel it makes the flow better, I'm usually wrong so feel free to ignore this if you so choose... and you own peril! I'm kidding, but seriously... peril.

I killed myself from the inside
out; I have been smashed
and put back together so
many times nothing works
right. Nothing is where it
should be: heavy thumping
in my shoulder where my heart
now beats.
I tried to drown my
sorrows but they learned
how to swim
(Got rid of the 'thought' it's unnecessary)

All in all, a whimsical poem of lost love and forgiveness; even if failure could be paramount. I enjoyed much of your word slinging ability and shall go out of my way to read more of your work. As some others have wisly stated, give it the air of a day and re-read and edit yourself, you'll delve into your unknown thoughts and perhaps even find what you never knew was missing.


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## sore (Mar 16, 2013)

Yes I do plan on editing this. thank you for your comments and suggestions


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