# Sunshine



## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

Deleted.


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## ned (Nov 23, 2015)

I know the story means a lot to you - but it wasn't very interestingly put
no insight, revelation or humour - nor even a rhyme to hang your hat on.

try writing something outside your imediate experience - an evil cat? (but aren't they all?)

if you know it needs a lot of work - then work on it, preferably before posting.
as is - keep it in the scrapbook.


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

Okay. 

Thank you. Sorry for bothering y'all. I'll keep stuff like this to myself. Sorry....just thoughts.


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## Firemajic (Nov 23, 2015)

Hairball.. I would have loved to have read your poem...if it needed some polish, well I would love to have helped you..you have a poet's heart, we just need to make your words leap off the page and into your reader's heart.. keep writing, every journey starts with that first step.. well, and a little confidence...


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> Hairball.. I would have loved to have read your poem...if it needed some polish, well I would love to have helped you..you have a poet's heart, we just need to make your words leap off the page and into your reader's heart.. keep writing, every journey starts with that first step.. well, and a little confidence...



It's in your PM box.

It doesn't belong here. Ned made that very clear.


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## Firemajic (Nov 23, 2015)

hahaa.. Hairball, I seriously doubt that Ned wanted to offend.. I do realize that you are a new poet, and for me.. that is very exciting and I want to help you.. I had some fabulous mentors when I first joined WF.. LMAO.. I STILL cringe when I read my early poetry.. BUT.. I let the mentors do their job, and I listened to their wisdom.. Ned has some good points... and you have passion about the things you write about, I can see that..lets work together... Thank you for trusting me with your poem.


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

In this writing forum, I would never, ever say anything like Ned said to me.

People's stuff matter to them...they really do. 

Critque and helping is one thing, as you've done, but this?

I know the story means a lot to you - but it wasn't very interestingly put
no insight, revelation or humour - nor even a rhyme to hang your hat on.

try writing something outside your imediate experience - an evil cat? (but aren't they all?)

if you know it needs a lot of work - then work on it, preferably before posting.
as is - keep it in the scrapbook.

That is awful and definitely NOT helpful. I don't know about you, but I would NEVER even DREAM about saying that to anyone, ever.

Would anyone else say anything like that? Plus.....he's a member. Sure, he can have his opinions but really? I have opinions too. I'm a lot kinder and I think maybe I'm better off on my own. That bothers me.

I know I will be more careful about how I treat others, for sure.


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## Firemajic (Nov 23, 2015)

Hairball... sigh... maybe sometimes we get a critique that stings... but.. stay focused on your objective...becoming a skilled poet.. I would love to help you...


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

ned said:


> I know the story means a lot to you - but it wasn't very interestingly put
> no insight, revelation or humour - nor even a rhyme to hang your hat on.
> 
> try writing something outside your imediate experience - an evil cat? (but aren't they all?)
> ...



Thanks for your helpful comments on how I can fix ths and thank you so very much in helping me get it right. I appreciate how you patienty explained how I can improve on this and how you critiqued it so well and helped me. 

Purrs...Hairball


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> Hairball... sigh... maybe sometimes we get a critique that stings... but.. stay focused on your objective...becoming a skilled poet.. I would love to help you...



A wrongful critique that's mean and doesn't help is one thing.....a helpful critique is quite another.

We both know that.


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## Darkkin (Nov 23, 2015)

I did a read through of the piece when you had it posted.  There were some good bones for a foundation, but you need to take a critical look at what you have.  Tell the story of your cat but make it tangible.  Most folks can relate to a pet anecdote in some form.  (I know I can, having two dogs and a cat.)  Consider doing a narrative poem with it.  

Take the time and flesh out the bones and bring the reader into scene.  What you had read almost like a stream of consciousness, a tricky thing to do in poetry because it has a tendency to be a bit ambiguous without context.  Paint the picture and allow the reader to connect with the subject on an emotional level because with poetry, it is far more about the emotion than standard prose.

You have a good concept, rework your foundations and add to them.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## Hairball (Nov 23, 2015)

Precious kitten...10 years old


Still at 4.5 pounds, you never grew
The vet said no, there was no chance


But you made it, little one
Despite your neck and throat cut open


We're so blessed, my little one
You rule the house...my feisty one!


You were ill and hurt so much
So many tears fell upon your fur


Perhaps they were healing tears
And in the vet's such loving care


Somehow you made it, little Saav
That's why I named you Saavy Miracle


Now you're my Sunshine....my little Sunshine
With the stars in your black fur


"You are my Sunshine, my tiny Sunshine...you make me happy when skies are grey...
You'll never know, Saavy, how much I love you..."


And thank you Saavy, my little fighter
"For not taking my Sunshine away."




That's for my little Saavy. Probably stinks, but I'm sitting here at the computer desk and she's here next to me and all that junk popped into my mind about her.


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## Hairball (Nov 24, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> I did a read through of the piece when you had it posted.  There were some good bones for a foundation, but you need to take a critical look at what you have.  Tell the story of your cat but make it tangible.  Most folks can relate to a pet anecdote in some form.  (I know I can, having two dogs and a cat.)  Consider doing a narrative poem with it.
> 
> Take the time and flesh out the bones and bring the reader into scene.  What you had read almost like a stream of consciousness, a tricky thing to do in poetry because it has a tendency to be a bit ambiguous without context.  Paint the picture and allow the reader to connect with the subject on an emotional level because with poetry, it is far more about the emotion than standard prose.
> 
> ...



How do I do that? I'm not a poet, I was just talking about her,


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## PiP (Nov 24, 2015)

Hairball said:


> In this writing forum, I would never, ever say anything like Ned said to me..


Hairball, may I suggest you don't offer the option of keeping a poem for your scrap book.  Posting your work to the poetry boards means you are looking for serious critique... I'm not going to debate this so I hope you know me well enough not to take offence to this observation? Moving on... please?

I agree with Darkkin and also feel it would work well as narrative verse. I'd never tried this form of poetry myself until I entered this months Pip Challenge. It's great fun! Why not check out our attempts. 

Consult Mr. Google for the definition of 'Narrative verse/poetry'



> *Narrative poetry is a form of poetry that tells a story, often making use of the voices of a narrator and characters as well; the entire story is usually written in metred verse.*



But if you want to excel as a poet and do Saavy Miracle's poem justice, writing poetry is a passion and so much more than just arranging words in stanzas. I KNOW you can write poetry I've read the poem you wrote about your Goddaughter. You re-worked it, improved and you created something special. You have the talent...

Check out this site Famous poems about cats.

Are you going to rise to the challenge?

ETA Hair, if I've offended you it was not my  intention. And while I am not the most skilled poet myself, I do take my poetry very seriously.


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## Darkkin (Nov 24, 2015)

T. S. Eliot's _Practical Cats_ is also an excellent read.  Also take a look at _The Duel_ by Eugene Fields an amusing, simple narrative about the gingham dog and the calico cat. 

First and foremost, is ask yourself what you want and expect of this poem?  Take a critical look at this.  Read it out loud.  What do you hear that works and what doesn't.  And more importantly, _why _does it or does not work? 

For me as a reader, having the lyrics of a children's song in the piece doesn't really jive.  This is _your_ poem, so make it your own.  Draw the reader a picture of how your cat is your sunshine.  Play with the contrast between the appearance of your cat and the title of your piece.  Give this a bit of depth, something the reader can tangibly invest in.  Maybe try telling it from your cat's perspective.

Poetry is about more than stringing thoughts into stanzas.  Content counts for so much more in poetry because of the words need to work twice as hard.  Consider poetry kind of like the essential oils of writing, super-concentrated.  Big, deep impact.  That is what poetry should do.  Draw you in, swallow you whole, and release you on the far side, leaving you wondering.  Right now, as I said before, you are working with more of a concept than a completed poem.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## KellInkston (Nov 24, 2015)

Oh! I wasn't expecting it'd be put back up so soon.

Well, you know my thoughts on the piece, I'm glad you're receiving some more critique. It is through the fire that ore becomes gold! Write on!


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## Hairball (Nov 24, 2015)

Saavy is an unusual cat. We've gone through two bathroom faucets because she has to drink from the tap. 

When she was mauled, her neck was torn up, and she holds her head to the side a little...it looks like she's saying, "Just Saav."

She doesn't meow; she makes a noise like, "Aaaaaaappp!"

She has to sleep on our pillows and she snores like a Banshee.

How do I get all that into a poem? Yikes!!


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## Darkkin (Nov 24, 2015)

As a writer that is up to you to decide.


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## Firemajic (Nov 24, 2015)

Hairball;1935170
Precious kitten...10 years old  [COLOR=#FF0000 said:
			
		

> *** Restructure this poem into maybe 4 line stanzas/ verses... the verses help move your thoughts/story from point A to point B.. let them do the heavy lifting and move this poem along..[/COLOR]
> 
> 
> Still at 4.5 pounds, you never grew
> ...


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## Firemajic (Nov 24, 2015)

Hairball said:


> Saavy is an unusual cat. We've gone through two bathroom faucets because she has to drink from the tap.
> 
> When she was mauled, her neck was torn up, and she holds her head to the side a little...it looks like she's saying, "Just Saav."
> 
> ...





This is what I want to read! She snores like a Banshee??? Fabulous! write down all of her unique quirks, what makes her special?? Show me.. let ME see...


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