# IF (language)



## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

If I put the gun in my mouth
cordite bitter and steel sweet;
when I pull the trigger, the concussion will sound like,
FUCK YOU!!

If I slip the noose around my neck
rope prickly rough against my throat;
when I kick the stool over
it will slam to the floor and sound like,
FUCK YOU!

Combat culture dictates that a problem
ceases to be a problem once neutralized…

Look into the mirror,
calm gray-green eyes stare back;
shatter it with a punch:
FUCK YOU!!


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## Firemajic (Oct 6, 2015)

I like this... powerful emotion.. the first verse... siccck... now the not sooo nice... 3rd verse, last 3 lines.. really killed the fuck you mood... sooo... maybe .. fix it.. JMO...


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## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

Okay. I edited it. Better? Yes? No? Don't know if I like it as much....


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## Firemajic (Oct 6, 2015)

welllll .... sorrrry.. no.  I understand what you are saying.. first verse.. last 3 lines.. those lines.. they jusssst sound different than the rest of this fabulous poem..They do not ADD anything IMO... this is your poem.. if it expresses what you want.. then job done...


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## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

I think it's different, now. I added a different verse, shifted things around a little... I appreciate the help. I just wrote this, literally, 20 minutes ago.


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## Firemajic (Oct 6, 2015)

sigh...


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## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

Okay... Try again? I guess I'm not getting it.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 6, 2015)

A very powerful, well written and hard hitting poem. The message is clear,  upsetting and thought provoking.  It could be tweaked here and there, but there is no escaping the message and imagery it provides.  Thanks.


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## kbsmith (Oct 6, 2015)

IF language  maybe if you changed the walls to iron and the Dads to babies.


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## TipGrundlefunk (Oct 6, 2015)

There is a brutal honesty to this that makes for uncomfortable reading. I read this and sections make me wince, which is a testament to the power of the piece.

Poetry is about learning to frame feelings and emotions and shaping their delivery for the reader, this particular poem is like running into a wall - which has a power all its own but is difficult for some readers to absorb, let alone respond to.

Craig Raine is an extraordinary poet who doesn't pull his punches but is a master at focusing the internal power of his poetry, creating a concrete-hard tension in his works. I guess what I'm saying is my main crit of this piece is that it is unfocused, this is not so much laser precision as scatter gun. In some of your other work you have shown an economy with words that gives focus, I think this poem would benefit from a strong edit. Cut the sections you don't like, see what's left and re-work it.

There is a good poem in here, I just don't think this version is it.

Tip


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## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

I'll work on it... Thanks, everyone.


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## Amnesiac (Oct 6, 2015)

Okay... I'm open to edits. Not sure where it's missing...


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## Firemajic (Oct 6, 2015)

Amnesiac .... reallllly??? I wish you would put your poem back. seriously... how are you going to grow as a writer if you quit..



besides.. it is NOT stupid... it is really good.. but I want fabulous...


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## kbsmith (Oct 6, 2015)

I dig it, man. Obviously angry piece. Angst. Noir. If I do it will be your fault! But I will live to spite you! Type feeling to it. Bold. Accurate. Gothic?

It definitely romanticises the idea of Death, which seems a forbidden fruit.


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## TipGrundlefunk (Oct 6, 2015)

Amnesiac said:


> Okay... I'm open to edits. Not sure where it's missing...



Strip it back to the essential lines - remove all repetition. Make each poetic point once, draw those together at the end and close it with the most powerful line.

That's what I'd recommend.

Tip


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## Firemajic (Oct 6, 2015)

Amnesiac said:


> If I put the gun in my mouth
> cordite bitter and steel sweet;
> when I pull the trigger, the concussion will sound like, This verse is puuurfect IMO] needs nothing else.. powerful
> FUCK YOU!!
> ...


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## Amnesiac (Oct 7, 2015)

Well, I'll look at it later, when it's not as fresh. One thing I know, as an editor, is that "creating mind" and "editing mind" are two very different animals, and it's better to get it down and walk away for a while, and then come back as an editor and start working anew. I _did_ run it past my wife last night, and she thinks it's fine. She's the one who's walked this whole thing with me. She said, "Leave it alone; it is what it is. Move on to the next piece." 

The poem itself is about PTSD. Twenty-two (American) veterans commit suicide every single day. Being a combat vet myself, I certainly understand it, have had those feelings, and have teetered on the brink of self-destruction. And yes, in combat, when there's a "problem," killing it neutralizes the problem, but what happens, once back in "ordinary" society again, is that the veteran is faced with guilt over having survived, trying to assimilate into banal, everyday life, and employers pay lip-service to hiring veterans, but when they find out that we're not _normal_ than they either let us go, or else the conditions become unbearable. Then, if the veteran has a family to support, has a hard time finding a job, has a spouse railing at them for being so changed since coming back from the war... Pretty soon, the veteran begins to see themselves as the _problem. 
_
The rage, self-loathing, turning all of it around on oneself... That's what this is about. This is why the last bit is essential to the piece.

There's so much more I could write about this topic, but I've probably already said too much.


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## Deleted member 56014 (Oct 9, 2015)

very good writing, has a lot of emotion and that is the way it should be!


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## escorial (Oct 9, 2015)

the second piece of yours were the topic/content leaves one uneasy that i've read it....your words seem to darken and devalue the use of the words chosen and leave me with a poem about a topic and not a poem...it intrigues me to the point of distraction i want to get past...i look forward to future pieces


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