# The Meeting



## jenthepen (Apr 21, 2020)

With TS Eliot in the hot April sun.​ The open-mouthed red tulips​ nodding to the rhythm of words​ that dance on the syrup of birdsong.​ ​ A fly appears on the open page,​ prodding at words to extract their taste,​ he finds his place in the warmth of white​ of the sun-bright edge of the book.​ ​ As I read on, he grooms his wings​ and I wait for him to fly.​ Then, almost imperceptible,​ but not quite undetectable,​ he dips his head to sleep.​ ​ I try to return to Eliot’s words​ but the breeze, the flowers and song​ entice me into a slip and a slide​ in the scented air to doze​ together, we three.​ ​


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## ned (Apr 21, 2020)

hello J the P - long time no spiel,

and it's great you are still writing your peculiar poetry,
that always seems to touch on a beautiful warm place.

this one goes straight to the heart of it...

suggestions-

on the syrup = in the syrup
appears - jumps out - perchance imagery - dances, flexes etc?
don't genderise the fly, I think...

dips his head - a stretch too far? - I think they just stand still to sleep - maybe express that?

love the last verse - yet....

in the scented air to doze. - methinks 'in the dozy air to ....... - something sleep induced.

enjoyed...............ned


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## jenthepen (Apr 22, 2020)

Ha, I'll treasure that one,Ned - peculiar poetry. I might use it in my CV. 

Thanks for taking the time to read and also for the suggestions. I'll consider them as I work on this one. I'm not completely satisfied with it so we'll see where I can go with it.


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## ned (Apr 22, 2020)

ha! - sorry Jen, 'peculiar poetry' yes, 
meant in the best possible taste
all the same, a nice phrase I've wasted on a crit!


while I'm here -the title is a bit boring - it doesn't really draw the reader in...

go for a foreign phrase that means the same thing - always sounds profound

cheers................ned


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## jenthepen (Apr 23, 2020)

Thanks, Ned. I guess you're thinking of rendezvous but that is an agreed meeting with a set time and place which doesn't quite fit here. Not only that, the modern mangled version of the word is rendevu (which I hasten to add, I only just discovered) turns out to be an app for sex workers! :shock:

I agree, the title is pretty lame - leave it with me.


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## ned (Apr 23, 2020)

actually, I was thinking liaison, which might cover it....


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## Firemajic (May 11, 2020)

jenthepen said:


> With TS Elliot in the hot April sun.​ The open-mouthed red tulips​ nodding to the rhythm of words​ that dance on the syrup of birdsong.​ ​ A fly appears on the open page,​ prodding at words to extract their taste,​ he finds his place in the warmth of white​ of the sun-bright edge of the book.​ ​ As I read on, he grooms his wings​ and I wait for him to fly.​ Then, almost imperceptible,​ but not quite undetectable,​ he dips his head to sleep.​ ​ I try to return to Elliot’s words​ but the breeze, the flowers and song​ entice me into a slip and a slide​ in the scented air to doze​ together, we three.​ ​



Deliciously languorous, lazy and dreamy, the perfect setting made surreal with your elegant imagery... "open mouthed red tulips" Fabulous imagery... I will always see my tulips this way....
lulled to dream by Elliot's poetry.... I think he would be pleased, and the fly? Well for a while he was more than a mere fly... perhaps....

enchanting... delightful... 

Thank you...


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## jenthepen (May 12, 2020)

That afternoon was a little oasis of calm in the middle of this scary pandemic lockdown and it felt so good to take in all the normalty of the garden. Thank you for the read and your wonderful comments. You always manage to get right into the heart of my poems and I'm pleased that the sleepiness of the feeling came through - it still makes my eyes droop when I read it! lol


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## Pelwrath (May 13, 2020)

With TS Elliot in the hot April sun.
The open-mouthed red tulips

nodding to the rhythm of words
that dance on the syrup of birdsongs.


A fly appearsalights on the open page,

prodding at words to extract their taste,

he finds his placemeal in the warmth of white

of the sun-bright edge of the book.


As I read on, he grooms his wings maybe flip this line: He grooms his wings as I read on.
andas I wait for him to fly.
Then, almost imperceptible,
but not quite undetectable,
he dips his head to sleep.


I try to return to Elliot’s words
but the breeze, the flowers and song
entice me into a slip and a slide
in the scented air to doze

together, we three. I like this stanza, heck I like the whole poem!



Greetings Jenn. A very nice poem, and I enjoyed how you made a fly the star. The light airy nature and relaxing flow was very enjoyable. Just a few suggestions.


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## jenthepen (May 14, 2020)

Thanks, Pel. I like the suggestion to flip the order of words in the in the 9th line - that works really well. Also, leaving the final line to stand alone emphasises the feeling of togethernes which I was trying to capture with the title. Your other points are interesting too and I'll consider them as I work on this one. Thanks for the read and the input.


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## Pulse (May 14, 2020)

I like the drift in this poem and particularly the way sensory input is of uncertain origin: for example the taste, or maybe consistency, of birdsong.  There is a suggestion that an existing poem does not communicate the sensations the atmosphere around the reader conveys, so to present experiential truth she has little choice but to move from Eliot to her own creation.  

I think Eliot only has one 'l'.


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## jenthepen (May 14, 2020)

Many thanks for your insightful critique. It is true that the surroundings had a pull that Eliot seemed to lack. Just goes to prove that daydreaming can be productive sometimes. 

Thanks for the heads up about the spelling too.


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## ST Kennedy (Jun 17, 2020)

Great use of language I especially like the phrase "the dance on the syrup of birdsong" There is something powerful and divine about a simple bird song, there doesn't seem to be much to it but it repeats and stick in your head, the way syrup is sweet and sticky.


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## jenthepen (Jun 17, 2020)

ST Kennedy said:


> Great use of language I especially like the phrase "the dance on the syrup of birdsong" There is something powerful and divine about a simple bird song, there doesn't seem to be much to it but it repeats and stick in your head, the way syrup is sweet and sticky.



Thanks so much for your careful reading of the poem and for the insightful interpretation of the 'syrup' imagery. It means a lot to be understood so well. 

Jen


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## ST Kennedy (Jun 17, 2020)

No problem!


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## BitterLemon (Jul 3, 2020)

Your imagery is beautiful! The bit about tulips stood out as a splash of bright color in the poem, and you’ve created a unique warmth with your words.


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## RobMcC (Jul 4, 2020)

I think the use of "imperceptible" and "undetectable" don't fit in with the rhythm of the poem with them both being five syllables; however, I really enjoyed the use of personification throughout the poem.


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## jenthepen (Jul 5, 2020)

jenthepen said:


> With TS Eliot in the hot April sun.​ The open-mouthed red tulips​ nodding to the rhythm of words​ that dance on the syrup of birdsong.​ ​ A fly appears on the open page,​ prodding at words to extract their taste,​ he finds his place in the warmth of white​ of the sun-bright edge of the book.​ ​ As I read on, he grooms his wings​ and I wait for him to fly.​ Then, almost imperceptible,​ but not quite undetectable,​ he dips his head to sleep.​ ​ I try to return to Eliot’s words​ but the breeze, the flowers and song​ entice me into a slip and a slide​ in the scented air to doze​ together, we three.​ ​





BitterLemon said:


> Your imagery is beautiful! The bit about tulips stood out as a splash of bright color in the poem, and you’ve created a unique warmth with your words.



Thank you for that lovely comment Bitter Lemon. Welcome to writingforums.com. 



RobMcC said:


> I think the use of "imperceptible" and "undetectable" don't fit in with the rhythm of the poem with them both being five syllables; however, I really enjoyed the use of personification throughout the poem.



I appreciate you taking the time to leave a critique Rob and thanks for the positive comment. Thanks for the observation about the change of tempo too. I can understand that it jarred a little, once the rhythm had been established in the first two stanzas and then continued into the first two lines of the third but the change was deliberate (and a bit of a personal quirk that I use from time to time). The mood of the poem changed in line three of the third stanza and the change in rhythm, right through to the end, felt right for expressing that. That explains why I did it but I'm sorry it didn't work for you. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts though. I'll think on it as I work on this poem. And welcome to the poetry thread. 

Jen


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