# July 2013 - LM - Verschlimmbesserung - Scores



## Fin (Jul 18, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Verschlimmbesserung
Language Warning


The scores are in on time! A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, FleshEater, Pluralized, J Anfinson and Staff Deployment for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. As always, those who’ve posted anonymously will be announced in the score chart below.


*Scores*​
*FleshEater**Pluralized**J Anfinson**Staff Deployment**Average**Staff Deployment*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge*Bazz Cargo “Versomethingorother”*1414141614.5*WechtleinUns*1613181816.25*Pluralized*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge*Shinyford “You Say You Want a Revolution”*1717151716.5*Dreamworx95*1917161717.25*J Anfinson*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge*Gargh “Leben Verboten”*1820171918.5*Dictarium*1415151615*Jamie “Point, Click, Refresh”*1918201818.75

In third place, we have *Dreamworx95* with her entry *Breakdown.*
In second, we have *Gargh* with the entry *Leben Verboten.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Jamie* with the entry *Point, Click, Refresh.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=FleshEater’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
“It’s not about the Apartment”
Judge Entry*


I think I might have liked this better without the narration. The conversation flowed very well, but the narration felt forced, almost as if constricted by the word count. I’m also not sure why there was the gravitation to revisit the old man at the end. The character Brad didn’t seem that drawn to him. 


*Anonymous
“Versomethingorother”
Score: 14/20*

I don’t understand the first person narrative in the very beginning. Who’s saying, I never realized science could be so silent? After this there is never a first person narrative again, it’s all third. 

This story is given entirely through dialogue, and I found it lacking in setting and emotion. I’m not sure what’s going on, what they’re doing, or why I should even care, because the characters don’t seem to care what’s happening. This coincides well with the prompt, but I would have liked to have been in the story, rather than trying to figure it out every step of the way. Unless you’re intentions were to confuse the reader as the characters were, and if that’s the case, this is a great success. 


*WetchleinUns
“Software Rot”
Score: 16/20*

The very first simile in the very first paragraph feels out of place. The first two paragraphs repeat each other, and very well could have been condensed. There were some missed commas, a missed word (with, in the first sentence of the sixth paragraph), and a lot of repetitive wording. 

I like how you blended the character’s speech in the narration. Though the second person seemed a little out of place, and more of a convenience in explaining what was happening than anything else.

Overall, this was kind of a funny little story. I don’t know anything at all about what your main character was talking about, and at times found myself asking, “What?” But for the most part, it was easily understood and read. What I found interesting, and I’m not sure if it was intentional, is that you almost created the computer system to be your main character, and the character him or herself was a tool to expose the characteristics of the computer system. 


*Pluralized
“Verschlimmbesserung”
Judge Entry*

From what I’ve been reading from you, I’d be afraid to join in a family dinner!

This was Psycho on steroids, adapted with gore and blood for the modern day. I was cringing reading over the end. Teeth and dentistry have to be one of the most sensitive subjects to venture, and you did it with absolute hideous effect. Well done.My only nit; cut down some of the adjectives and keep the words simple. 


*Anonymous
“You Say You Want a Revolution”
Score: 17/20*

The beginning of this is a little rough. It should be gently tuning a string, Ringo would have hit the snare drum, and Ringo hit the snare again. 

After the conversation with The Beatles, this story picks up and really comes together (yeah, that wasn’t intentional). I really like the nonchalant exchange between Lennon and the man from Ungulonic. You also did a great job of nailing Lennon’s calm, cool, collected attitude. I could only imagine him coming face to face with a humanoid from another planet. 

Clever use of the prompt, that’s for sure. I’m a HUGE Beatles fan, so this had me as soon as I read the first sentence. Nothing really happened, but it was a great sci-fi way to show a fictional take on how a group like The Beatles can break ground, and be so different from anything going on in their decade. I think this theme would also work for Pink Floyd. 

Also, I was really wondering if Lennon’s murder was going to come up, and I’m kind of glad you didn’t mention it. That might have destroyed this little story, adding to much what if to the plot. 


*Dreamworx95
“Breakdown”
Score: 19/20*

This was very well written. The only thing that stood out to me was the use of the question mark and exclamation point simultaneously (“?!”). This seems like a modern use of punctuation that I don’t feel has its place in fiction. Other than that, it was solid.

I loved hearing the story about the old beat up Lebaron. Everyone has that car that they can’t part with and keep fixing, hoping one day it will finally be a good car again. It never happens though, and the day always comes when it dies on you. You used the Lebaron as an excellent piece of imagery for the marriage. The constant troubles, the grief, and in the end, the breakdown were all very well laid out. 

Also, the end, the character asking why it had to breakdown on her, was absolutely awesome. I really, really liked this story.


*J Anfinson
“One Time in Mexico”
Judge*

Wow! I can’t say anything bad about this. I was hooked when the character came through the narration, but then I was really hooked when I knew he’d be staying in a rundown motel. After that, it was pure comedic bliss. I loved this! Too bad you’re judging!Leben 


*Anonymous
“Leben Verboten”
Score: 18/20*

The first thing I noticed with this is that almost every paragraph starts with “I.” However, aside from that, it’s solidly written. 

This painted some excellent imagery. The background to the story was woven so well that I never found myself wondering what was going on. The character was also developed extremely well; not mad, not depressed, just there, like everything else. 

This was another great use of the prompt. If I could complain about anything, it’d be that I would love to see this story fully developed into something larger, more in-depth. 


*Dictarium
“One Hundred and One Days In”
Score: 14/20*

There were a few words missing—two _the_ in the first paragraph. A lot of the wording throughout this felt clunky and I stumbled through some parts. 

Overall, this story did nothing for me. At one point, you tell the reader that the silent man, Harry, deserves to be depressed and miserable. Well, why? That’s more interesting than what actually happened in the story, which wasn’t much. The minute he was looking for the knife I knew what was coming. The end played out differently than most scenarios, but it felt tacked on to fit the prompt. 


*Anonymous
“Point, Click, Refresh”
Score: 19/20*

I noticed a lot of I’s in this, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. The grammar, punctuation, etc. are solid. 

This is very well written.Reading through this, I couldn’t help but familiarize myself with what the main character was feeling. It’s like someone was writing down my exact feelings when submitting to the LM challenge. I had a smile on my face the whole time, and I thoroughly enjoyed this read. There isn’t much else to say other than, “Damn, that was real.”
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

Once again, I appreciate being able to judge this thing. This round, we didn’t have very many entries, which surprises me. I guess big German words scare people off!

Good luck to everyone, though when you read this it will already be score time. So, congratulations to the winner!


*Staff Deployment
“It’s Not About the Apartment”
Judge Entry*

Enjoyed the story, Staffy. I like your style, and the rapid-fire dialogue actually worked pretty well for me. I thought you did a nice job with the word count, and kept it moving nicely. The essence of the prompt shone through this story exceptionally well.

Current tennant >>>> tenant

There aren’t a ton of nits to talk about, other than maybe just punctuating the fragments as standalone sentences. I kept stopping to wonder about it, but I wouldn’t say it pulled me out of the story, necessarily.

Overall a great story, fun, whimsical dialogue, and easy characters to understand and relate to.

Thanks for submitting this.


*Anonymous
“Versomethingorother”
Score: 14*

I didn’t quite know what to think when I read the opening “headline” and the word-play on “collider.” It’s obviously tilted toward the humorous in tone, but after reading the whole thing, I didn’t feel like the reference to the LHC was fitting, particularly with the reference to Houston. Instantly, the true nerd-factor fails, because of the conflicting science at work.

The dialogue is good, but there’s maybe too much of it and not enough story. I came to the end of it feeling a bit like I wanted more context. Still, not bad, and cleanly written. The only SPaG thing I saw was at the end, where Jayell shouts “Whey!” Maybe you did that on purpose, I don’t know, but it stuck out at me.

Overall, a sparsely-decorated scene with a bit too much dialogue and a rather bland voice at work here. Still, it read smooth and I thank you for entering.


*WechtleinUns
“Software Rot”
Score: 13*

I liked this, and you write well, but the first paragraph set the tone in a very odd way. I had to keep my eyes from glazing over after I read the strange similes. First, the fat man with the monocle? Inventive and unique, but instead of serving the purpose as a simile, it just bothered me. Then we have the Van Gogh paintings, used in your simile as structural building materials as well as gemstones? It’s a weird group of images for me, and didn’t work so well. I wanted Van Gogh to be capitalized, as well. Also, “perfect in its pristine beauty” is going to cost you a point.

The use of “All functions that checked for errors were wrapped” might have been admissible, if it weren’t for following it up with “mmorpg.” The jargon is just too heavy, and it throws the whole story into magnum-nerd mode. I know that’s what you were going for, but unfortunately the story ends up being nothing more than a programmer’s screwup.

was single red dot >>>>> was a single red dot

However, having said all this negative stuff, there are things to like. Your use of the prompt is solid, and I was able to read along at a very decent pace. I just wanted there to be some kind of story behind this other than this guy sitting there, presumably talking with a lisp, realizing he’d screwed something up. It’s almost like, who cares. Put something in there that makes the stakes higher. As it stands, he just can’t play his video game, and I’m having a hard time relating or sympathizing. Thanks for entering though, and sorry this didn’t work better for me.


*Pluralized
“Verschlimmbesserung”
Judge’s Entry*

- - -​

*Anonymous
“You Say You Want a Revolution”
Score: 17*

Who doesn’t love the Beatles? Well, me. Just kidding, they’re obviously one of the greatest things to happen to music ever, and this story captures what I think would be a pretty authentic mood in their midst.

But then you went all Geronimy Graffx on me. I liked the humor in this piece, it was exceptionally clean, but I feel like there’s a joke there I’m failing to get. I can’t dislike this though, it’s just too much fun. Thanks for entering.


*Dreamworx95
“Breakdown”
Score: 17*

I really liked this. The tone is clean and consistent, the writing is nearly flawless. I like how there’s very little self-pity, even with the ending line. Your story feels very authentic and for some reason, I get a fairly full character out of just this short piece. Nothing really to pick on, just perhaps wanted more of a resolution.

Thanks for entering.


*J Anfinson
“One Time in Mexico”
Judge Entry*

Oh no. Not the donkey show. I read the end of this with a smile, and really enjoyed the confusion factor, calling up and not being understood, and to top it off, getting something like hookers and donkeys when you’re just asking for the remote control. Ha!

The hookers in Mexico, would they wear leather?
Also – would they just have a donkey on hand, ready for a phone call? Is the donkey guy on salary?

Fun!


*Anonymous
“Leben Verboten”
Score: 20*

The highlight of the LM, this round. This is an absolutely brilliant story, thought-provoking, spot-on tone and voice, and flawless writing. This story ends with satisfaction, runs through the spag-checker nicely, and just felt really authentic. I enjoyed this immensely. The only thing that kept it from a perfect score is… nope, I went back through it and I’m satisfied that this deserves full marks.

I thought the line, “I am the sun for a rich man’s folly” is just absolute distilled brilliance. Nice job here.


*Dictarium
“One Hundred and One Days In”
Score: 15*

I started this thing, and really enjoyed the first paragraph. However, it started going downhill from there. Food deprivation isn’t that big of a deal, especially after just four days. Water deprivation, yes. Food deprivation, particularly after several days, will actually sometimes sharpen people’s minds.

The baitfish they’d caught last week – why had that thing not been putrid and rotten? Assuming it was alive, swimming in a holding tank, they’d have eaten it.

So, this dude is getting ready to bait the hook and needs a knife for some reason… he freaks out and thinks the other guy is going to kill him, presumably due to his addled brain? He then kicked the guy’s butt and booted him off into the water? That’s a hell of a reaction. The statement “What-the-actual-hell-man” from a guy who is floating in the sea, bleeding profusely enough to dye the waters? Doesn’t seem remotely believable, and not absurd enough to cancel out my skepticism.

horribly unkept head of hair >>>>> unkempt
affixing it to the lines the hooks that had been burgled. >>>> is this just weird grammar? I wanted a word between lines and the…
shipmates wounds >>>> shipmate’s

Thanks for entering – sorry this one didn’t work better for me. I do like sea-going stories, and I enjoyed the mood you set… until you accelerated for the ditch.


*Anonymous
“Point, Click, Refresh”
 Score: 18*

You know, this is really funny. I tend to think of these kinds of self-aware entries as somehow disqualified, though this is significantly well-written and a lot of fun to read. I can totally relate, as I’m sure many of us can.

The cigarette line really ties it together, and I’ll say, I’m going against my usual cynicism regarding self-aware LM entries and will probably score this fairly high. It’s really good. Just caustic enough that one of my buddies could’ve written it, but not gratuitous. I liked the coffee shop “dickheads.” Thanks for entering.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=J Anfinson’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
“It’s Not About the Apartment”
Judge Entry*

I really liked this, even though in reality I have trouble believing a landlord would actually ask a potential renter to do that. Or at least I’ve never heard of it. Yet, you suspended my disbelief through good characterization, which is what I feel good fiction is all about.

There are a few spots in the narrative that pulled me out of the story, such as: 





> Knock knock. Door opens.


 
Might be better if you left out the knock knock, and just said the door opens. Same idea with the RING RING, later.



> He pours the water, dips the bags, serves me a saucer.


 
Needs an “and”, I think: “He pours the water, dips the bags, and serves me a saucer.”



> I don't drink. Too hot, must wait to cool down.


 
This seems written more like a quick thought instead of narration. Maybe something more like: “It’s scalding hot, so I’ll let it cool before I drink it.”

And really that’s all I can nitpick about it. The SPAG is good, other than what I pointed out, and the voice and tone had me hooked, so that I really got into it, and wanted to know what would happen.

And the Effect? I felt genuinely sorry for the old man. I think we’ve all known someone like him in our lives, and it reminded me of someone I once knew. This is a wonderful story whether it has flaws or not, and I wish I could give it a score.



*Anonymous
“Versomethingorother!”
SPaG: 4
Tone and Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Creative Idea: +2
Overall: 14*

I had a tough time with this one. The main problem I had was this:



> *Clive sighed*. “Yeah. We can see it.”
> 
> Jules stood up and stretched. “It is always in the periphery, never center stage.”
> 
> ...


 
Pretty much every sentence starts with narrative, and is “Clive/Jules/Jayell does blah.” There’s not much variation in structure, and it makes the story bland.

This is what I mean by variation:
(And bear in mind, this is just a suggestion)



> Clive put his mug down. “Yeah. Well it does put a flaw in Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity.” He looked up from the screen, to where Jules was pacing the floor.
> 
> “And not forgetting the end of the world,” Jules replied.
> 
> “Nope,” Jayelle said. She pushed her spectacles back up the bridge of her nose. “I think we have the end of the universe here.”


 
The spelling is good, but the grammar is repetitive and I couldn’t really feel the emotion with this one. However, I do think this was an interesting idea for this prompt. Definitely not something I expected, and for that I’m giving it an extra couple points.


*WechtleinUns
“Software Rot”
SPaG: 4
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18 *

Van Gogh should be capitalized, but that’s all I could find wrong with it. I know next to nothing about programming, but you explained everything in a simple way. I liked this one, it made me laugh. I do my own car maintenance, and I couldn’t begin to describe how many times I’ve gone to fix something, and end up breaking something else that ends up being a bigger problem than what I fixed, so I know exactly how this guy feels. Great job.



*Pluralized
“Verschlimmbesserung”
Judge Entry*



> dark-gray-brown stumps


 should be “dark gray-brown stumps”, I think.

All in all, I found the imagery powerful. I don’t have anything to complain about with this one, except that one phrase. The grammar is good, the tone is good, and it made me shiver thinking about yanking teeth. I liked this one a lot, even if it made me uncomfortable. Another one I wish I could score.


*Anonymous
“You Say You Want a Revolution”
SPaG: 4
Voice and Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

This was certainly an odd take on the Beatles. The grammar is okay, but the blatant miss-spelling and modification of words didn’t work for me, and detracted from the story. (Beautifullest, Eyethankyew)

The story itself is interesting, though, and Graffx is a unique name that I haven’t heard. I thought this story was pretty good, but I would have liked to see a little more action, like what kind of powers Graffx might have, or something else unique about him. He just seems too human. It was a good read though, and I’m glad it was submitted.


*Dreamworx95
“Breakdown”
SPaG: 5
Voice and Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16 *

The spelling and grammar was great, but spending the majority of the story in a flashback felt odd. I would have rather seen the car end up on the lawn at the end. Then again, some people might like it the way it is.

I liked the part about him forgetting that she’s broke down. That added a sense of emotional realism that caught me by surprise. Good work.


*J Anfinson
“One Time in Mexico”
Judge Entry*

- - -​

*Anonymous
“Leben Verboten”
SPaG: 5
Voice and Tone: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

I had a hard time getting into this one at first, but it got a whole lot better for me as I read on. I think I was just lost at the beginning, trying to figure out what was going on, so maybe it needs a little more narration at the beginning to set the scene for what time period this is taking place. It could be just me, but I felt like the story started earlier than it needed to, and would have done better if it would have started with Karl walking through the orchard. The spelling and grammar was excellent. It looks like whoever wrote this spent a lot of time editing.



> The process of food is so refined that no one starves but still, no one lives; no one, not for such a long time.


 
Loved that phrase.

Some of the imagery is powerful, and it’s sad to think that this future is, in fact, possible. I ended up liking this story in the end, and found it to be an interesting use of the prompt.


*Dictarium
“One Hundred and One Days In”
SPag:4
Voice and Tone:4
Effect:7
Overall: 15 *

This was an interesting use of the prompt, but it has some minor problems.



> “Hey, Harry. Get some sleep, will ya? For me.” Harry looked up at Sam confusedly, apparently shocked that someone else was on the boat, stared blankly at him for a bit, his food-deprived brain taking an extra moment to process what had been said, slowly nodded, and laid down on the floor of the boat. Sam threw their blanket – a windbreaker they’d found on the boat – over the man’s and went over to the other end of the boat to tend to his carving.


 
I thought the use of the word “boat” 4 times in one paragraph was a little much.



> affixing it to the lines the hooks that had been burgled


 
This is either an error or I’m not getting it. I would have just said “affixing them to the lines they’d burgled.”

The ending left more to be desired, I thought. Sam just kinda went “Oh, my bad. Sorry about that.” Maybe I’m just morbid, but I was hoping someone would get eaten by a shark, or something. Overall, not a bad entry, and I still liked it.


*Anonymous
“Point, Click, Refresh”
SPag: 5
Voice and Tone: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20 *

I laughed my ass off reading this one. This pretty much sums up how I feel after submitting my own. This was a nice example of the LM at its finest. I can’t find a single thing wrong with this one. It really blew me away. Great work!

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Staff Deployment’s scores]

*Staff Deployment
“It’s Not About the Apartment”
Judge Entry*

- - -​

*Anonymous
"Versomethingorother!"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

Only minor nitpicks in grammar and punctuation. One or two inconsistent paragraph breaks, the capitalisation of "of" in a proper title, and a question mark missed (which may in fact be intentional). Little else, admirably, especially considering the complicated sentence structures and the integration of dialogue.

I liked the consistently stilted tone and the way that you relied on implication rather than exposition; it made for a story where I felt as out-of-comfort as the characters themselves, which (whether intentionally or not) added a lot of unwritten depth. Of course it meant that much of it was confusing, and sometimes non-sequitor (When did they introduce the multiple-universe thing? What happened to "god"?) which admittedly is a delicate balance. A few more revisions would have been helpful to clear up some of the pedantic details.

I liked the story a lot but felt that it could have used more development — the characters don't feel very scientific and a lot of the drama starts to become, as I mentioned, non-sequitor. The ending seems anti-climactic, as if I'm missing some deeper meaning you were going for. Either Clive or Jules became "Eric" . . . were there two sets of scientists in parallel universes, and one set died? Was there some sort of Groundhog Day situation going on? It's all very confusing. Nonetheless, this kind of confusion did indeed add to the story more than it detracted. As a cherry on top, your story had the delightful dry humour of someone very familiar with dry humour.

One final note: Who is the narrator? (S)he emerges briefly at the beginning yet never shows up again . . .


*WechtleinUns
"Software Rot"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

Besides some ambiguously awkward commas, couldn't find any grammatical errors in this piece, though I can't speak for the splashes of German (which were a nice touch).

The language of this piece, especially the contrast between utmost reverence and confidence and the inevitable desperation and doubt, was excellent. On the other hand, the metaphors were a bit too inconsistent at times for my tastes. I did like the way you mutated "virgin bride" throughout, however.

Although it felt very clunky at times, and hilariously overwrought at others, I think you brilliantly captured the feeling of that one annoying little imperfection in code. The mix of technical prowess and lyricism was nice. Selon moi, your story represents the epitome of verschlimmbesserung: that extra blasted little red light.


*Pluralized
"Verschlimmbesserung"
Judge Entry*

You've written a _profoundly_ uncomfortable story, and I mean that in a good way; it's vivid and powerful. I cringed. Really made me glad I'm not that guy.

The way you lingered on every paragraph for such a long time really drove home the uneasy feeling this piece gave. That last paragraph just keeps stretching on, for one hundred and seventy-two words, each word more and more agonizing and disquieting than the last. Again, I mean this all in a good way. Your story is expertly crafted and shudderingly deliberate.

Couple typos near the beginning, just a tense issue and misplaced comma here or there, if I remember correctly. I'm not going to get into the nitpicks on that because they're all easy-to-spot mistakes. You'll catch all of them on a quick run-through, I'm sure.


*Anonymous
"You Say You Want a Revolution!"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

Nothing wrong with grammar, and I enjoyed the way you exaggerated all of the Beatles' weird mannerisms. Or maybe they aren't exaggerations. This may not be the most informative review on account of my lack of knowledge of music. I think this story would have a greater impact on someone more familiar with the Beatles' discography.

Having grown up with Calvin & Hobbes and the Far Side (primarily kids' comics that occasionally delve into complex themes and adult ideas) I've gotten pretty good at figuring out jokes without needing much context behind them, so even without any prior knowledge of what you're talking about I understand that Revolution #9 is one of the most unexplainably weird Beatles' songs in existence — weird enough that it's though an alien visited Lennon and messed around with the song in the recording studio. Weird enough that you created a new adjective just to describe the weirdness. And that's hilarious.

There's not much depth to this story, but it's enjoyable and fun, and it feels like a reverent parody rather than a vicious jab. A fine line to walk and one you walked very well.


*Dreamworx95
"Breakdown"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 9
Overall: 17*

No issues with spelling and grammar that I noticed.

The story was functionally well-written, though occasionally inconsistent at times, mixing omnipotence and a limited view. Sometimes too your wording was . . . well, wordy. Sentences like "Dad promised to help me buy a better car when he saved enough money, but now that he was paying for weekly marriage counseling, the investment had been slow going" feel as though they could be sheared down to be more concise. Otherwise, the style was varied and interesting and kept my interest throughout.

After the first read-through I was confused — it didn't feel like a suitable ending — but I believe I figured it out. The Lebaron was an allegory for the state of the parents' marriage. They got it fairly soon after getting married, and passed it onto their daughter. And that explains her dismay at the end; it's not about the car breaking down, but her parents finally splitting up after hanging on all these years. And I really like that angle, having the entire history of their marriage projected onto their old car.

Of course, I may be entirely wrong. Regardless, I like my interpretation, and it made the story quite poignant for me.


*J Anfinson
"One Time in Mexico"
Judge Entry*

Feels like he's telling this story to his best mates in the bar, so the conversational tone fits very well. I like the little touches like "liable to take home something bleach won't take off" and "reminded me of a cheap motel".

Though the story felt a bit abrupt at the end (like you suddenly remembered the word limit ) I think the pacing was excellent — slow beginning with long paragraphs, and then shorter paragraphs when the confusion and hectic arm-flailing started to build up. Carried me along brilliantly.

I think I would have liked to find out what exactly he said (and how stumbling through a request for a remote somehow garnered him hookers and a donkey), though maybe it was a good decision to keep it a mystery. Like the mystery of why a hotel would have the means to send their clients SNM prostitutes no questions asked!

Interesting story, good format, and just plausible enough to seem like it's something legitimately told to you by a drunk man in a bar trying to get a laugh. Well, perhaps with his grammar all fixed up.


*Anonymous
"Leben Verboten"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 10
Overall: 19*

There were some minor grammatical errors (such as the comma in "Karl," right near the end) but I've overlooked them because it took me a few read-throughs to catch any of them and not a single one impacted the story.

Style and tone was excellent throughout. I could really feel how tired and worn down Karl was, as well as the joy he felt eating the peach. It was strong contrast done well. The description was a little overwrought near the beginning ("trees that gave so easily of their shade and fruit, of their blossom") and "God Speed the Plough" was more amusing to me than it was poignant, but otherwise the tone felt expertly pulled together and maintained.

Stories that focus on the way a dystopia affects a single person rather than the abstract concept of 'society' are few and far between (or maybe they're common and I just don't know where to look). Anyway I thought it was poignant and realistic, and the character of Karl was incredibly well-developed. Even though he may not necessarily be a strong person, and perhaps not the brightest bulb (that peach tree, if it even grows, will be very suspicious), he was absolutely a strong character and one of the more memorable ones from this challenge. And that says a lot.

By the way, Leben Verboten ("Forbidden to Live") is by far the best title for this piece you could have.


*Dictarium
"One Hundred and One Days In"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

I'm really glad you got this story in, Dictarium. For a minute there it looked like you weren't gonna make it. Seems like you spent a lot of the time making sure your grammar was perfect: I didn't find any mistakes.

Tone was good, but at times didn't reflect the perspective character. The long sentences suggest coherent thought and a logical progression of ideas, which are good traits for a writer, but perhaps not indicative of a man who has spent 101 days on a lifeboat slowly losing his mind. The vocabulary is exemplary too, but again I doubt Mr. Suttin would use such an impressive lexicon considering his situation.

It was, however, an excellent interpretation of the prompt. Sam bungled things up terribly and I can't imagine how awkward the rest of that boat ride will be. Not to mention the incentive Harry now has to _actually_ stab Sam in the face. Horrible and hilarious at the same time — excellent schadenfreude.


*Anonymous
"Point, Click, Refresh"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

Any minor grammar errors (starting a sentence with "and"; the use of "ain't"; etc) were clearly intentional and stemmed from an innate understanding of the rules of grammar, rather than any legitimate mistake. _Ergo_ top marks cheerio chap chap, top o' the morn'!

Your voice as a writer came across beautifully. Though I don't know who you are, this story gives me a clear understanding of what kind of writer you are (or, even more subversively, what kind of writer the narrator is). At the same time you've put into words exactly how it feels to write a story, and how it feels to submit it to a competition.

The swearing was a bit gratuitous, but I otherwise thought the strategic repetition of key phrases and the way you played around with certain words in different contexts really added to the story. Lines like "It’s perfect and it’s not mine. Somehow these words could never belong to me" worked surprisingly well for what would otherwise be seen as redundant phrasing, because the use of such, especially spread out over the piece, felt consistent and deliberate.

Overall, I doubt there's anyone here who hasn't gone through a similar little internal drama at one point. (I also thought that using an onomatopoeia style for keyboard commands was brilliant. Cut! Paste! Undo! Bash! Ka-Blam!)



[/spoiler2]


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## Gargh (Jul 18, 2013)

Oof! So...close... Congratulations Jamie on a wonderfully ironic and very well written entry  and Dreamworx95 for your beautiful Breakdown  

Great entries from everyone really, this was a tough prompt.


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## shinyford (Jul 18, 2013)

Thanks, judges, for the comments - greatly appreciated. 

FleshEater, the line was indeed meant to be "George looked down at his guitar, gently tuning a string" - the additional words were from an earlier, longer version (I always write to the length of the story and then cut back to the required word count) which I only noticed days after submitting. Despite self-proofing the thing multiple time. Wood for the trees and all that - but rest assured, I have been happily kicking myself for leaving the bloody things in.

J Anfinson, the not-quite-words (Beautifullest, eyethankyew) were a take on the way the Beatles, when talking together (at least, as filmed) played with words and word style a lot, often quite theatrically. But I agree these examples didn't work brilliantly well, and felt clumsy. Good feedback, for which thanks.

For me, Jamie's was a flyaway winner; just glorious! With Dreamworx95's a close second. Yes, I realise I have just utterly contradicted myself there. Pluralized, I loved yours too in a macabre kind of way - but weirdly have only just noticed it was there and read it. I think I want to read it again. When I'm less terrified and no longer holding onto my teeth for dear life, obviously.

Cheers

Nic


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## Staff Deployment (Jul 18, 2013)

Congrats, Jamie! Did I really get it right when I guessed it was you who wrote it? _Yes I did!_ Someone gimme a prize.

Congrats to Gargh and Dreamworx95 too. Excellent and well-deserved placement.

Hmm, looks like Fleshy, J, and Plural caught all these grammar errors I'd missed. Well, those errors didn't bother me so I deem them A-OK. It also looks like I marked everything a bit easier, but I genuinely enjoyed all the stories. Quality turn-out by all involved, especially Fin, implementing all the revamped procedures for the first time.

Fleshy: You're right, even with the simple idea and wordcount-easy style it still felt cramped, which came across in the brief spouts of narration mostly. However, most of the terseness was deliberate. Brad's observations (like the ring tan and the cross on the mantel) were influenced by the BBC Sherlock's deduction skills, which are all very ragged and fast. I say influenced by because it steered further away from that as I took it through a second and third draft, obviously.

Plural: Ha ha, not much to say to a glowing review.  Glad you liked it. Tennant perhaps was a result of my sister blasting the third season of Doctor Who on the TV while I wrote.

Jake: I totally had an explanation for why the landlord enlisted Brad's help in particular, but it was dragging the wordcount down and didn't seem important to the larger story. Thank god for suspension of disbelief, eh? As for the nits, I left out the "and" in that one to emphasize the idea that it's a string of actions that has been carrying on before and after the dialogue — a concurrent thing that's happening. There's no "and" because of the implication that further actions follow (obscured by dialogue). But that's probably a bit much to expect someone to pick up on — a simple "and" would probably have been better, yes.


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## Dictarium (Jul 18, 2013)

Lesson learned: don't do LM challenges in 30 minutes. Very valid criticism all around.


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## J Anfinson (Jul 18, 2013)

Dictarium said:


> Lesson learned: don't do LM challenges in 30 minutes. Very valid criticism all around.



Don't feel bad. I wrote mine in like two hours, and it shows. I'm really quite amazed that so many people liked it. Maybe I've been overthinking in the past?

To all entrants: Your welcome. I tried not to look like Simon Cowell. (I'm pretty harsh on myself) Hope I succeeded.


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## Jamie (Jul 18, 2013)

Wow.

I was not expecting that at all. Thank you so much to the judges for your kind words and for 'getting' the piece. I think it would have fallen flat on its ass had you not. Every single entry this round was tightly written, in my opinion, and it felt like any one of them could have won. Well done to everyone who entered.

Funny thing is, my entry is actually a true story in many ways. I HAD written something else, and I WAS about to submit it for this round until I saw Gargh's submission 'Leven Verboten', which I thought was excellent. So I decided what I had wasn't good enough and that it needed to be taken apart and put back together again. Suddenly, what I was doing fitted the prompt, so I wrote about it and exaggerated the process. ;D

The cigarette thing is also true. I gave up 4 months ago, so I often think "I used to have a cigarette for this" whenever I'm stressed. Haha!

Seriously though, thank you. I'm very pleased to have won a little medal thingy.


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## WechtleinUns (Jul 18, 2013)

Congratulations, Jaime! You've written a great story. In fact, all of you did. Very good quality, all around. I'm glad I did as well as I did. (^.^)


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## bazz cargo (Jul 18, 2013)

Congratulations Dreamy, Gargh! and Jamie! And everyone else!

This was one tough round and I am glad I never had to judge. How fleshy, Plural, J, and Staffie managed to come to a conclusion was beyond me.

And yes, my story was pants... I really struggled with this prompt. 

Roll on the next.


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## FleshEater (Jul 18, 2013)

I want to thank all the entrants this round. Everyone entered high quality, well written stories, and that makes judging easy and enjoyable. In fact, most were so enjoyable that I almost let all the grammar and such go, but wasn't sure what the other judges were doing . 

Congratulations Jamie! See, dark comedy CAN win! 

Congratulations to Gargh and Dreamworx, too. Great stories!

Does anyone else feel that this was one of the better LM's? Maybe the lack of entrants lowered the stress factor all around? I don't know...I had fun though!


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## Pluralized (Jul 18, 2013)

Congratulations, Jamie!

Everyone else, great work. This was a fun LM to be a part of, and I'll echo Fleshy's sentiments above—the quality of stories and lower stress factor made it a treat. 

Thanks to you fellow judges for critiquing my story. It took about fourteen minutes to write, though I wish I'd labored over it a bit more for the Spag-factor. When you don't get a score, it relieves the pressures of grammatical accuracy. Still, I don't like putting nittables out there.

Looking forward to the next one!


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## J Anfinson (Jul 18, 2013)

FleshEater: Glad I could make you laugh. 

Pluralized: Oh yes! The donkey show! Glad you liked it, and I'm quite pleased that all of you guys know what a donkey show is. I'd rather not have to explain it.

Staff: Yes, I imagined a guy sitting in a bar too. I'm glad you could come up with that same image. I started hearing a voice in my head, and I pretty much just dictated what he was saying. I was quite surprised as well when the hookers and donkey showed up. Looking back, it's not a well thought out story, but since there was no pressure it was easy to listen to the voice in my head without second guessing what he said. Maybe I should see a shrink.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Jul 18, 2013)

Jamie, you definitely entered a story that is worth first place, and when I read it I knew it would be the winner. I really enjoyed the piece - it was fun and relatable and well written. Good job!

Gargh, your story was also very beautifully written. Well done. 

Thanks to the judges for a speedy update on this challenge! I also appreciate the title of third place.

FleshEater, thanks for the generous score on my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it that much.

Pluralized, I'm happy you thought the character was real and authentic, but sorry that I couldn't offer much of a resolution. I'm glad you liked it anyways. 

J Anfinson, the flashback was meant to give a sense of the passing of time and the deterioration of the car and the marriage. I did struggle a bit with the tenses and felt there wasn't enough build up to the end, which is why it probably came off a little odd. In any case, I'm glad you thought it was decent. Thanks.

Staff Deployment, I'm humbled by your honest feedback, haha. I agree it was a little wordy, now that you bring that particular sentence to light. And I did struggle with the views. Even though this was a short and fairly simple piece, it was technically difficult to write, especially when sorting out the tenses. Your interpretation about the car being an allegory for the marriage was correct, 

And finally thanks to the Writing Forums for this opportunity to create something I would never think of otherwise. This challenge was fun and taught me a lot, and now I'm ready for the next one!


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## Staff Deployment (Jul 18, 2013)

FleshEater said:


> Does anyone else feel that this was one of the better LM's? Maybe the lack of entrants lowered the stress factor all around? I don't know...I had fun though!



I'm in total agreement here.



Pluralized said:


> It took about fourteen minutes to write



_Wow_ that's fast.


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## Jamie (Jul 19, 2013)

Gargh said:


> Oof! So...close... Congratulations Jamie on a wonderfully ironic and very well written entry





shinyford said:


> For me, Jamie's was a flyaway winner; just glorious!





WechtleinUns said:


> Congratulations, Jaime! You've written a great story.





FleshEater said:


> Congratulations Jamie! See, dark comedy CAN win!





Pluralized said:


> Congratulations, Jamie!





Dreamworx95 said:


> Jamie, you definitely entered a story that is worth first place, and when I read it I knew it would be the winner. I really enjoyed the piece - it was fun and relatable and well written. Good job!



Thanks!



Staff Deployment said:


> Congrats, Jamie! Did I really get it right when I guessed it was you who wrote it? _Yes I did!_ Someone gimme a prize.



Haha, a lucky guess. No idea how you got that.


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