# Customer Service Call Transcript



## Winston (Sep 3, 2011)

_Recorded at Lahore Call Center 1232 hrs GMT.  Representative Bani "Jack" Sahiri.

Jack:_  Thank you for waiting.  This is the Athro Home Products help line.  My name is Jack.  How may I assist you?

_Unidentified Male:_  Yeah.  I got yer number off the box.  You guys make the "Slug and Snail Bait" stuff, right?

_Jack: _ Yes we do, sir.  You have a question about our product...

_UM: _ Yer stuff killed my snails.

_(short pause)  Jack:  _Sir, is there a problem?  Did the product not work..

_UM:_  The "bait" worked fine, thanks.  It attracted them, then killed them.  Now I got dozens of dead and dying snails in my garden.

_(longer pause) Jack:  _It sounds like the product worked as intended, sir.

_UM:_  Your products are designed for murder!  Do you not get it?  THEY'RE ALL DEAD! _(pause, indistinct sobbing)  _My dreams, all dead.  Little puddles of goo.  Thanks, pal.  Thanks a lot!

_Jack:_  If you can hold a moment, I think it is appropriate for me to get my supervisor...

_UM: _ It was gonna be my big break.  Professional Snail Racing.  I just know that within a year I was gonna be on the leader boards of the PSR.  I had my eye on one in the yard.  His shell was so purdy, flecks of brown n' grey.  Hec, he was one of the first to go.  _(loud crying)_  It's always the brave ones go first...  _(more sobbing)

Jack:  _I don't know what you want.  Is there something I can do?

_UM:  _Oh, and those so-called "first aid" instructions?  'Bout as useless as that bait.  I tried washing out their little eye stocks, and givin' em water.  Didn't help.

_Jack: _ Sir, those instructions are for people, not for snails.

_UM:_  Oh my Lord!  You poison people, too!  You sick sonsabeeches!  That does it!  I'm callin' my cousin Leroy.  He's had a couple years in the community college studyin' law enforcement.  I just hope yer lawyers are better than yer bait makin' folks!

_(very long pause)  Jack:_  I will file this as a complaint then...

_UM:_  Yer durn tootin!

_(very, very long pause)  Jack: _ I hesitate to ask, but is there anything else, sir?

_UM:_  Well, now that you mention it.  Last month I bought some of 'yalls Ant Steaks.  The little fellas looked hungry, and I know they normally don't eat so well...

_(click)  End Transcript 1239 hrs_


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## Fran Canning (Sep 5, 2011)

This could be read as a crank phone call or as a weird guy. You could have the 'Unidentified Male' introduce himself in his first line, which would be normal for a phone call and also help set the scene. His description of the snails as 'Little puddles of goo' felt like it went against his love for them.


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## The Backward OX (Sep 5, 2011)

I think a few random lines by UM, along the lines of, “I can’t understand you.  Whynchu speak _s-l-o-w-l-y and clearly_?” would assist with realism.


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## old man's dreams (Sep 9, 2011)

It's a very nice concept! You've structured it well, I think.

Some of the responses seem a bit rushed though. I feel like it would be better to draw out the development a little longer. Let them talk back and forth a little longer before the confusion about the products purpose becomes evident.

The closing line is a real hoot, and a great device for closing out the piece without having to resolve the misunderstanding. This type of piece I don't think you _want_ to close out with resolution, and the segue into a new confusion is a wonderful device there.


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## victormogul (Oct 6, 2011)

I enjoyed this. It painted a nice picture, kept my attention, and was very funny.


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## Phyllis (Oct 6, 2011)

Loved it!  There ARE such people in the world, which is even scarier than snail goo.  This idea could be used in all sorts of fun ways.  Might make a good challenge idea.  Name a product and have someone else do a service call about it.


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## Donthebat (Nov 29, 2012)

I was drawn in to the conversation and could almost see these two guys. Love the idea of someone misunderstanding the function of such things as 'Slug Bait.' One could have a ball down at the garden centre checking for the really ambiguous product names. Liked it.


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## o negative (Jan 12, 2013)

Could be a little bit longer to me, i mean that it sounds a bit dry. The situation and construction are good, but the characters looks stuck in their roles, just like they didn t really listen to each other. The working guy is clearly here to show how fucked up the other one is. the whole text sounds artificial to me. but some parts are funny.


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## Elizabeth Dawson (Jan 13, 2013)

I quite enjoyed it! I think if you wanted to expand on the humour, you could add the UM becoming frustrated with Jack, as suggested by The Backwards Ox. I think everyone becomes very frustrated with customer service lines at the best of times! I really liked it, good work!


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## randomwriting (Jan 25, 2013)

Snails an odd choice but original!


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## Mike63031 (Jan 29, 2013)

I liked this a lot. You know you have a winner when people say it is too short and that they want more.  Create a number of these for a collection. Please!  

Thanks for avoiding the hackneyed use of non-native English speakers as help line employees.  A stand alone "transcript" might be funny, though.  If you go that way, please consider your audience.  

R/Mike


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## Candervalle (Feb 9, 2013)

Thank you this provided me with a good chuckle. I liked the line about the cousin in community college who studies law enforcement. People always seems to have some relative who is studying criminal justice at community college and think they are a million dollar lawyer.


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## chrisl (Feb 11, 2013)

Liked it! My only suggestion, the line: " my cousin Leroy. He's had a couple years in the community college studyin' law enforcement" sounds a little cliched and trite.
Otherwise, well done!


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## RJA (Feb 12, 2013)

I work at a call center. Overall this was pretty funny and, stunningly, not that far off from some of the insane crap I've heard! (I am German/Irish, born in Illinois, and somehow the man I was speaking to kept saying I sounded like a "Chinaman" and when I corrected him 3 times he said I must be, "A Japanese then, some kinda oriental!" This kind of crap happens (In his defense, I guess, he did buy two hearing aids... So yeah...). Your story definitely tickled me. My only points of correction would be:

You did not try to gather the man's information. You would be in trouble for that, despite his insanity. You have to ask first and last name, verify. Phone number, verify. Then try to take a message. And you wouldn't tell him you need to get your supervisor, you'd say something like, "Would you like to speak with one of our supervisors, sir?" Or "Can you hold for a moment while I get my supervisor so I can talk to them about this issue?"

They're just nitpicks. Overall this was funny and not nearly as ridiculous as some people think.


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## Inchidoney (Feb 15, 2013)

I always found dealing with the general public great fun. So many opened their mouths and spoke without locking their brains into gear, giving me a wealth of stories to write about.


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## Roscone (Mar 2, 2013)

I know someone who talks like that. It was funny I'm wondering about the Ant Steak I want a few more lines.


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## soleole (Mar 11, 2013)

Haha I loved it! I kinda wanted it to be a bit longer though. Well done


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## stevetaylor67 (Apr 10, 2013)

Very funny! It's always a good thing if people are asking for more. And we are!


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## mblank (May 8, 2013)

Your story is hysterical.  The delivery of the caller is perfect.  My favorite part is:

_"UM:_  Your products are designed for murder!  Do you not get it?  THEY'RE ALL DEAD! _(pause, indistinct sobbing)_"

The scary part of this story is that I wouldn't be surprised to hear it happened.  Thanks for the story!


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## Captnq (May 12, 2013)

*Helatek*

I'm just not seeing the stupidity.

What I mean by that is, I'm just not believing the guy is this stupid., here. Try something like this.



_Recorded at Lahore Call Center 0214 hrs GMT.  Representative Bani "Jack" Sahiri._

Jack: Telatek Customer Service, Lahore office. Jack speaking! May I help you?

Bob: Yes. My name is Bob and I am very unhappy with your product. I read your package very carefully and it had no warnings at all! I need to speak to a manager!

Jack: [Calm and soothing voice] Sir, we handle a great deal of various products here. I'm not sure which one you are talking about. Could you please start with what product you have?

Bob: [Exasperated sigh] FINE. This is in reguards to your lidoderm patches. My wife has back problems and she uses two a night on her back. The problem is, they are very cold. I try warming them up under my armpits, but that doesn't seem to help. [long pause]

Jack: So, the problem is that they are too cold?

Bob: No... [longer pause] Look, I read the box very carefully before I tried this, but, well, they are about the size and shape of a pop tart. So I put them in the toaster.

Jack: What?

Bob: Toaster. I put them in the toaster. Now, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you people, but you should have put on the box how God-damn flammable they are! They were in there no more then FIVE god-damn seconds before they burst into flames! Not just smoldering, mind you... WHOOSH!! Flames shot up out of the toaster! Scorched my mini-tee vee that I keep bolted on under the cabinet where I keep my cat medication! Do you have any idea how expensive liquid B12 is? You are just lucky that the medication didn't go up! That might be okay, but I swear to GOD you are going to pay for my Tee Vee!

Jack: You... put the lidoderm patches... in the _toaster_?

Bob: Yes! We've already established that! A Hello kitty toaster! You know, one of those toasters that burns a picture of hello kitty on the toast? Those are expensive, you know. It's got melted plastic crap all over it! I won't even mention the smell! [Deep Breath and long pause]  So, I need a new Tee vee and a hello kitty toaster. It was limited edition, by the way. You're not going to find that just anywhere.

Jake: Sounds like you really like your cats.

Bob: Hate them. My wife loves them. But she's sick and her back hurts and they make her happy, unlike lidoderm patches setting Hello Kitty on fire! THOSE make her very UNHAPPY! Frankly, You need a warning on the box that says, "Warning! Keep away from open flame or you'll go up like a roman candle!" Do you know my wife smokes? What if she accidentally drops a cigarette on the patch while she's wearing one? Huh?

Jake: How would she drop a cigarette on her back?

Bob: She's dropped cigarettes down the back of her dress _before_! Why the hell do you think she's using the patches???

Jack: I... [chews on a thumb nail. his face has a look that resembles the need to go the bathroom really badly. Abruptly he flicks his thumb forward making an audible snapping sound.] think I'm going to have to transfer you over to my manager.

Bob: That's what I said at the START of this conversation, but you didn't believe me. You wasted four minutes of my life I'll never get back. Stop thinking all the customers are stupid and we don't know what were are talking about. I'm not an idiot, you know.

Jack: ...

Jack: Transferring you now. Have a nice day and thank you for calling Telatek! *click*

Jack: [Takes off headset. Stares at the computer screen. Stands up. Gets coffee mug. Walks off.]


Your turn! What horrible customers will torture poor Jack next?

 We could call this the Hell-A-Tek Series


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## Captnq (May 12, 2013)

_Recorded at Lahore Call Center 1114 hrs GMT.  Representative Bani "Jack" Sahiri._

Jack: Telatek Customer Service, Lahore office. Jack speaking! May I help you?

Unidentified Male: Why do you have a department that deals with objects lodged in your rectum?

Jack: Excuse me?

UM: I was listening to your automated message and it said to press my number at any time. I wasn't sure what number to press, so I listened to the whole thing. At the end it said, "If you have an object lodged in your rectum, press eight.

Jack: Do you have an object lodged in your rectum?

UM: No, which is why I waited and it transferred me to you.

Jack: Why are you calling?

UM: I bought a box of canned cat food and 4 cans were missing. It's supposed to have 48 cans, but it only has 44. But none of that matters anymore. Why do you have a department that fields calls about people having cans of cat food stuck up their ass?

Jack: This is Telatek. We are a subcontractor. Other companies hire us to handle their complaints. We don't just handle cat food, but a wide selection of products.

UM: So what sorts of things do people shove up their ass?

Jack: I wouldn't know. I handle general inbound. I could transfer you to that department if you wish.

UM: What do you MEAN you don't know? Don't you want to know? That sort of thing would be burning in my brain!

Jack: No. Not even a little bit.

UM: Why the hell not? People are lodging things in their ass! This sparks no curiosity in you?

Jack: Look. People who ask too many questions around here wind up getting transferred to the department where you answer calls about things being lodged in people's rectums. I'm happy with general inbound. I have no need, nor desire, to know about department eight. Now about your cat food, shall I send you a coupon for a free box of cat food?"

UM: I don't know if I want a coupon from a company that deals with... [long sigh] I need to think about this. I'll call back. *click*

Jack: I'm sorry th- ... Hello? [long sigh] Have a nice day and thank you for calling Telatek! *click*

[End Phone Log]


(Yes, Jack is required to end all calls with "Have a nice day and thank you for calling Telatek" even if nobody is listening. It's important to end all calls on a positive tone.)


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