# Somebody Help Me Sort This Out Please



## Loveabull (Apr 18, 2015)

I remember him well. Soft-spoken, wise-cracking, bi-curious and brainy. He lived with us for a time. Best man at the wedding, wonderful with my kids when they were growing up. Mmmm we're talking twenty years back. Best buddy to my husband since childhood, then he moved across the nation to find himself. He stayed in touch. He discovered texting and stayed waaaay in touch.

I'm sure he has a bunch of books in there. I remember when we were watching "Goodfellas" on video. He came in the room and asked why were watching such crap...his Dad was found in the Meadowlands, in his car, one bullet to the head. Why would anyone want to watch the "business men at work". But he seemed to have coped with whatever tragic past he had.


A bunch of books in him, now maybe he'll have the time to write them. A letter from the other day...still wisecracking and seemingly lucid. He describes an ugly attack, maiming injuries. If it were drugs, prostitution...but what could have pushed him to attempted manslaughter...the wrong meds? Too many meds? He doesn't recall what he's charged with. Just unbelievable...you know when something is so bad you can't really process it as real?


He seems lucid in his writing yet you get the impression he's skipped to the other side of sanity. Middle-aged and slight of build they have him in the psych wing. Safer for him than general pop...they'd eat him alive. Trying to comfort hubby and process a very sad situation. His Mom is gone and he's estranged from siblings. But there was a joking reference if our basement is still available.

Dear Gawd...I love you and hope the best for you but please...really...don't even suggest...then again he might be away for a long time. None of this is computing, I have a dog who needs knee surgery, hubby with Parkinson's, kid on the autism spectrum, multi jobs to keep things a float, RX's of my own and I drink like a fish...no I can't suck in your drama son...I'm sorry...please don't ask me.


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## escorial (Apr 19, 2015)

every para....has enough going on to just keep going,


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## dither (Apr 19, 2015)

Powerful stuff LB, good luck.


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## Loveabull (Apr 19, 2015)

Just one of those things you have to offer up. We all write our own lives. May he find the help he needs...far away. 
And it's okay to remember who he was. The silly things...there was one night long ago, he was well into his cups and cat-calling every attractive hombre,  finally closed the car windows to keep him out of trouble...yeah you had to be there...we were all young and silly with the rest of our lives ahead of us.
 But blessed we knew him then, now somehow have to stop dwelling.


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## Loveabull (Apr 23, 2015)

Hubby asked me to look into the situation so he can write. Not something I was pleased to do but he was a good friend. The inmate search online had no results...I tried a random name to try for a response Van Houten. Anyone who has read "Helter Skelter" knows who SHE is. gahhh So I was bounced to a few different numbers. Finally a sheriff's dept. that could track him down. Not at the original facility and although the original letter said "attempted manslaughter"...this officer said the charges were murder and mayhem. The distinction is that manslaughter can be accidental more or less. Mayhem is that you were intentionally trying to fuck somebody up. Murder means you had intent to kill.
Makes it that much more ghoulish. I wrote the contact info for hubby, now I have to go wash out my brain a few times.


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## Loveabull (Apr 24, 2015)

Okay absolutely last post on this sad situation. While I was trying to Google any information his online resumes came up. He worked in banking and finance...knowledge and work history many of us would envy. But as he related in his letter...for a convicted felon, the doors have shut on you regardless. Whenever he might get out he will be broke, homeless, jobless and old by any job market standards...I shed a few tears last night after talking to the sheriff's department...murder and mayhem and you've pitched the rest of your life.
Sad irony, I remember the first night I met him...hubby and him had been out at a local Chinese joint. Thee signature drink? "The Miserable Bastard", both into their cups but it was just guys being young and dumb n' feeling no pain. It's just beyond wrapping one's head around. They transferred him, I'll give the address to my husband and that's it. I have got to stop dwelling. Guess it's one more lost link to the past. Aging really sucks kids lemme tell ya...


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## Loveabull (Apr 25, 2015)

Okay last post of thee last post. Okay light bulb moment...he was probably transferred because if it's attempted that's one sad situation, if the victim buys the farm...well you're going down the line. He asked my husband to write back. Owing to Parkinson's hubby can't write so good, owing to age can't see so good, and wasn't a gifted writer from the gitgo. Yeah I think I have to write back. I could read between the lines that he can't believe he got himself in this position.

Just explaining hubby can't write so well anymore, relating that both of us are just beyond saddened by the situation, remembering the good times, wishing him the best somehow...if he isn't on suicide watch they're probably going to lose him along the way. Something like " Son I shed several tears for you hearing what you're charged with now. Shit I haven't seen L for ten years now and she still makes me cry. Really son, what the heck were you thinking? Please tell me it was bath salts..."

Least I can do for hubby...maybe myself, maybe him


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## Loveabull (Apr 26, 2015)

I mailed it...catharsis. Now I can let it go for now. The difference in how you feel about people. Unspeakable crime but...for him. If it was my brother in law he could stay there and rot. I dunno, pray none of you are ever in the same dilemma.


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## Loveabull (Apr 28, 2015)

In CA he's probably looking at 25 years to life. He's 55 now...something positive that's been realized. I could say with all honesty the world would be a better place without my husband's brother for any number of reasons. But you know facing this situation I realize it's not worth it, it is just not fucking worth it. Great so he would be dead, I would be in prison. My dogs, my daughter, my hubby, even my grown son. No, no matter how justified not worth it. The grown boy is seeing his estranged sister's next week. The brother in law was their influence NOTWORTHITNOTWORTHIT...shit it's hard sometimes.


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## Loveabull (May 12, 2015)

And ah the wonders of the internet. There are any number of websites for the judicial system world. I found a forum that deals with questions for any inmate and legal situation you can imagine...and some you can't. I read a book by chance awhile ago called "Visiting Life" by Bridget Kinsella. It kind of went over my head in that I had family and hubby's friend's who "went away" for weeks, maybe a few months. But not...well not a serious situation...certainly not a long-term sentence.

In "Visiting Life" the author meets up with an inmate writer about publishing his work. She uncovers a whole sub culture of family, friends, spouses and children who navigate the system regularly. A whole different world..."Well Mickey might be on parole in two years so we can get married now and then we'll be together forever and...".

Well hey you can answer my questions and I can try to help you with yours...sanity is so subjective ya know?


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## Loveabull (May 19, 2015)

Now another follow up letter. I haven't prepared myself to read it just yet. Hubby gave me a brief synopsis. He deeply misses his dog. His dogs were his family. His friend took the one he's writing about. Dreaming about other dogs he's had. My husband said the saddest part is just the longing for affection, someone to hold him. In the past you wouldn't have exactly described him as warm and sensitive...Highly intelligent and analytical yes...that's how he could do well in the world of finance. But imagining such a cool demeanor now groveling for a hug...

So incredibly intelligent...you might think such an individual might um think out their actions a bit before doing something totally crazy spur of the moment right? I dunno, even before reading I know he's a suicide risk...but then again, he's middle aged and at best looking at release in perhaps 25 years...more likely life, I don't think CA has the death penalty but I'm not sure...so really who could blame him. Odd how we can talk about criminals one way in the abstract. But when it's someone you know it's a completely different picture. I don't know quite what I'm trying to say.

Then I can also see from the perspective of a victim's possible survivors. My best buds son was shot in a random robbery several years ago. Nothing personal, he just went to work the wrong day. His family was big and tight knit. It took his family years to come to terms with his death. The perps were caught and every new trial ripped open the wound again. So I can certainly see both terrible sides. More so than I want to actually.


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## Sonata (May 20, 2015)

Is this fiction or is it real life?


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## Loveabull (May 20, 2015)

This is real life...I wish it was fiction. When we got the first note it took me a few days to even process it. And really, even then I kept thinking this has to be some kind of a mistake, some dark joke, some misunderstanding...Until I called the sheriff's department and explained I was trying to double check the address and information. The officer found the name right away and said "Yeah he was charged with murder and mayhem". I didn't quite understand what I was hearing. But then it registered, when the first letter was written it was attempted murder. When the victim dies it becomes murder and you're transferred to another facility. I wish it was fiction, I really do.


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## Loveabull (May 27, 2015)

I don't know, I guess I'm using this thread to sort things out and as a form of catharsis. Certainly not a subject for casual conversation with anyone. Something difficult is making the split in your own head. One side of you is reading websites discovering a world you didn't know was out there. If the most contact you've ever personally had with law enforcement is paying a few parking tickets, prison guidelines sound like listings from another planet.

I was thinking books, I'm always passing used books to everyone. But naïve little me, everyone has seen "Midnight Express"...they so did not have to hang that cat in the movie...but the point is that of course you can't send used books. With a razor and some creativity you can hide any number of things in a hardcover. So any books have to be sent directly through Amazon or the publisher. You really can't send anything directly except letters and I understand they are opened and screened too.

There's a whole bunch of companies, must be as many of them as there are bail bondsmen, who specialize in pre-approved prison goodie boxes...who knew? I had a daughter who went away for awhile passing funny money and a niece for drugs. But neither of them lived with me at the time so this is an education I could have done without. At least the websites spell everything out to the letter of exactly how the machine works.

But what you can't talk to anyone about and not even the family support sites touch on is the horror side of the situation. That's what causes the split-you want to help this person who is sad and depressed and looking at a very long bid. But you can't stop and contemplate what they did to get into the situation...even slightly...you just can't do it...but as a reasonably sane human you can't expect yourself to be able to wrap your head around an act of insanity. It can't be done.

My daughter's crime was being young, lazy and stupid n' trying to make a quick buck. My niece battled the heroin for many years, thankfully with family support and a lot of strength she won the fight. But violent crime is something else. Imagine for a second...if for whatever reason you just received news that your brother, father, son, someone close for many years was charged with murder. And not just something accidental but a deliberate act that would maim and eventually kill another human being.

I'm writing him tonight, trying to stay upbeat, I'll write about our dogs...hey if he puts up a picture of Callie I bet half the inmates will tell him that's a FINE looking dawg...I can still find humor in some very dark places...but really these are the things I think about.


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (May 27, 2015)

If I may offer my own perspective. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. 

However sad it might sound, despite being 19 myself, I understand completely. Some find it hard to wrap their heads around it, but I know exactly how a person could carry out certain actions. I battled such thoughts myself at one time.

What did you say the time gap was? Twenty years? Long enough.  In twenty years I won't be me. I will be completely different, for better or worse. Of course it will pain those who remember the old me.I won't make any judgmental comments though. I don't know the guy at all, of course.If it helps though, most people like that simply have developed some kind of mental illness.

How much any mental problems might have contributed to it, isn't also my call.  I do know however, the brain is more fickle then we imagine. Especially if things get off balance.  Your whole thought process changes, and you're basically not the same person. Given what else you said, I think it's a strong possibility. On the other hand, simple aggressive acts of violence out of anger, are not acceptable, and in such circumstances, the bottom line is that your actions have consequences. 

My point being---

Dealing with mental issues and depression is for doctors, dealing with crimes is for judges. Yes it's very sad, but what can we do? Do what little you can, but then don't worry about it.

Your first post said you can't suck in his drama. It might sound cold... but don't. Sure you have to be involved to some extent, but if it's not your problem, it's not your problem. 

However, this is YOU, not ME. 

I'm only sharing how I would deal with the situation, and I understand how much this situation must affect you.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 

Sorry if that didn't help at all. :I


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## Loveabull (May 28, 2015)

Yeah I understand what you're saying. I guess partly it's exacerbated by typical mid-life crisis. You ruminate on life realizing it's basically downhill from here. Last Thanksgiving rather than cook we went to the place where we had our wedding reception. After we ate we went into the ballroom where the reception had been held. Rather than " Wow wasn't that a time" is was so deeply depressing seeing ghosts.


So many of the people who danced there in 1988 have left us. The maid of honor passed on from cancer a few years later, now the best man will be away for perhaps the rest of his life. Don't get old kids...it sucks. Well I mean there must be just as many people who figure out growing old gracefully...but it really sucks. But yeah I can't dwell on him. Too much on my plate as it is.


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## Sonata (May 28, 2015)

Loveabull said:


> ...[snip]...Don't get old kids...it sucks. Well I mean there must be just as many people who figure out growing old gracefully...but it really sucks.



But all of life can suck at times, not just growing old.  And TBH I would far rather be as old as I am, with life sucking as it frequently does, than the alternative.  And I think that life sucked far more when I was young and had not had the life experience I now have had.

What happened to your maid of honour was not your fault.  Just as what has and is happening to the best man is not your fault. 

Continually beating yourself over about it will possibly cause you far more harm than it will him.

You did not make his bed.  He made his bed now let him lay in it.


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## Loveabull (May 28, 2015)

Thank you  darlin' I needed that...sometimes as human life forms we feel like we have to fix the world, and we can't, and that's okay.


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## Plasticweld (May 29, 2015)

Loveabull said:


> Thank you  darlin' I needed that...sometimes as human life forms we feel like we have to fix the world, and we can't, and that's okay.



To keep things in perspective is always the key to being able to navigate life and survive, I offer a couple of points that are real for me. Things you do and say do make a difference, it is often the small things that people remember and it starts out with just simply caring. 
To be able express your concern to share your feeling with someone is the difference for them between feeling as though they have been abandon and feeling like you they have a connection with the world, that for some is the difference between having some hope and a real feeling of despair.  I say that even a small letter to show you care, have not forgotten can be the difference between someone making it through the day or week.  If he does 25 years he has to do it one day at a time, you do have the ability to make one day or one week pass by and let him not feel all alone.  That makes a difference that makes it worth while. 


My main foreman in my logging business did 12 years, he was sentenced to 25 he has shared with me and we have become friends. He often shared how abandon he felt in prison because people just pretended he did not exist anymore.  All the feelings you have expressed and the anxiety you shared with us is natural. 

 For you to share some of your writing, what you and your husband did today, what you saw and what you felt about the simple things in life such as going grocery shopping or what you happen to over hear are all things that will connect him to the outside world and still feel human.  You don't have to have answers or even be able to understand what his daily life and future hold.  You only need to know that the best medicine is not forgetting  him and taking the time to send him a note.  Those few minutes that effort can and will change someone's life. 

That power helps both of you through tough times...Bob


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## Loveabull (May 29, 2015)

Yeah I mailed out a note talking about dogs. Sent a picture of our Callie. Also that I'll send reading material if he wants. Asked him to write back a time when he can call and my husband can talk to him. Think it will help both of them a lot to have that connection. 
Thank you for the words of wisdom.


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