# Story Intro - am I doing this right ?



## Blue (Jun 16, 2017)

*guilt and innocence*

(I've been writing and rewriting this part of my novel so much I can't even tell if this is good or not. Soo, I need your help haha. This is the first time we meet this character, he is a bit of an ass, so apologies for that lol. But the story is set in an alternate universe where 'paranormals' are people who are born with extra abilities but are discriminated and hated in society. Let me know what you think, please, _please_ be as brutally honest as you can be, I really appreciate it. Thank you x )

**

“It wasn’t me,” said Teddy McGealach. This was false.
 “Then tell me why I just picked you up from the fucking police station then,” snarled his father. “If it wasn’t you.”
 “’Cause I didn’t do anything,” said Teddy. This was also false.
 “When _don’t_ you do anything,” said his father, slamming the fridge shut and pulling out tomatoes. He threw them with unneeded force onto the counter.
Teddy rested his head where his arms where folded on the kitchen table. “I didn’t this time.”
His father started cutting the tomatoes. Angrily, roughly, like he was imagining Teddy was that tomato. “Sneaking out the house to get drunk and egg houses sounds an awful lot like something you’d do.”
This was true. “Really? Thanks, Dad,” Teddy huffed.
 “I’ve had enough of you,” snapped his father. “Go check on your sister, and leave me be.”
This was a common conversation between Teddy and his father. In the cramped apartment overlooking Liverpool city, where everything looked stale and unused, it was hard to say much other than _I’ve had enough of you_.
Teddy huffed again, mainly for effect this time, and hoisted himself up. In the third bedroom down the hall his little sister was sleeping. Teddy slipped inside, to find she was really lying on the floor, making teddy bears dance across her carpet.
 “Daisy, shouldn’t you be in bed by now?” said Teddy, trying his hardest to seem stern. Really, he just wanted to go to sleep.
Daisy turned to look at him. She grinned in a way that made Teddy want to fall asleep on the spot.
 “Nope!” she exclaimed.
Teddy had had enough today. “Get to bed, alright?”
He turned and left.
He walked to his room, and kept walking to the window where he climbed out onto the street. It was incredibly lucky they lived on the ground floor; it certainly made it easier for Teddy to escape for a bit. Pulling out his phone, he clicked into his friends groupchat and texted
_Anyone in town?_
But somewhere in the back of his head he hoped that no one was. He didn’t want to see those people, not really; he always seemed to feel worse after seeing them. No, he only sent that text in case someone saw him in town and question why he hadn’t asked anyone to hang out.
His phone buzzed. A notification across the screen said _Patrick is typing_. Patrick: _Jesus man, didn’t u just get back from the Bizzies?_
Teddy: _Ya
fucking bullshit_
Patrick: _Hhaha shit one man
             I’m at cinema now_
Teddy: _w who??_
Patrick: _Family_
Teddy: _Gayyy_
Gaz: _Ted ur a fool
How tf you get caught like?_
Teddy: _Fuck off_
Gaz: _lol
I’m busy too_
Harry: _Same
Gfs over_
Teddy: _Yano what
Fuck you guys _
Patrick: _lol_​Teddy locked his phone and shoved it in his pocket, ignoring the stream of texts from his father that were becoming more and more threatening.
The night was cold and unfriendly; Teddy didn’t feel welcome in the harsh black curtain that suffocated and choked. Rain-slicked roads beneath his feet, a cloudless black sky over his head, a breeze that was far too chilly for July on the back of his neck. In his head sometimes it felt like they were all against him. Sometimes it felt like rain poured out of spite, the wind blew out of hate and the sun fell out of grief. Like the whole world was standing in his way, determined to watch him fail.
This night felt familiar. Already done. Like he was re-experiencing it for the thousandth time again.
In a way, he had. These kinds of nights usually played out like this:
A bad idea around one, his friends would encourage and goad until the day was old enough for the idea to become real. When the sun went down he would do something stupid, something reckless, something dangerous. And then if he was caught it was a trip to the police station, a phone call to his father, a car ride home filled with bristly silence or shouting matches. They’d arrive home, the night would be old by this point, Teddy would most likely be drunk or high, his father would be pissed. And then they wouldn’t speak again for days.
It had almost become a routine.
Teddy wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
In his pocket he could feel his phone vibrate as someone tried to call him. It was probably his Dad. He ignored it.
From his pocket he pulled a packet of cigarettes, grasping one with shaking fingers and placing it between chapped lips, lighting up and breathing deep.
Sometimes he found it funny how, to cheer himself up, he had to kill himself slowly. Other times, he found it pathetic how the only thing able to cheer him up was killing him.
His phone buzzed again. Teddy ignored it again.
The street he walked down was bathed in orange glow, quiet enough to make him uneasy, empty enough to make him relax. A corner shop was nestled beside an abandoned apartment and an empty Barbers shop. Lined up in the window of the corner shop were newspapers, tablets, and magazines, all with the same headline. A headline that made Teddy _furious_:
_Paranormal Rights: Why you should vote NO_
He stopped outside the corner store to glower at them. “Fuck’s sake.”
Grotesque pictures accompanied most headlines; with _things_ so strange there weren’t many words to describe them, only _inhuman_ and _unnatural_. All sharp claws and glowing eyes, toothy grins and stretched skin, swishing tails and shiny scales. Things so terrible even Teddy got shivers.
And it made him angry.  
Angry enough his hands shook even more, his chest felt tight enough he could scream and his stomach churned with something that wasn’t nausea. But it was a different sort of anger than that of the journalists who wrote the articles, or the people who shouted abuse at the subjects of the articles, or the government who refused to change. His anger came from despair, rather than privilege.
Despair that one day there would be articles just like that, only written about him. Despair that that could _easily_ happen.
His phone buzzed again.
Teddy sighed and pulled in from his pocket. “Yeah?”
 “Edward! Get your fucking arse back home, _right _now! Y’hear me? Jesus Christ. Come home,” his father yelled from the other end of the line. He threw in a few more of his more choicier swears, and hung up.
Teddy turned and walked home.
_This has gone on long enough,_ he thought as he walked.


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## Guy Faukes (Jul 5, 2017)

You got basic structure, grammar and order down, which is a good step. If this is part of a novel, I would not fuss over it much more. It's there, it just needs more punch and your better off working on hammering the rest out before getting too focused on the opener.  The opening is a bit slow as the dialogue is redundant (the two sort of repeat what has been said before). I'd have the father say, "When do you do anything?", since it makes the MC seem to not take responsibility.  Try to spice it up by putting the discrimination of abnormals more in forefront, like have the incident the MC is picked up for be paranormal related instead of just egging.


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## Jack of all trades (Jul 6, 2017)

I didn't get very far along because it wasn't working for me. Why the remarks of stuff being true or false? Was that the narrator telling the reader? At first I thought it was the dad's special talent, but then the son did it too, and that confused me. That's when I stopped. Sorry. If it's thoughts, it needs to be written better, somehow. If it's the reader being told, I think you should take that out and make it conveyed differently.

Just my opinion. Good luck with this! I think the premise is a good one! Those who are able to do something that others can't often have to deal with jealousy, so your discrimination plot is realistic. Good luck again!


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## Jay Greenstein (Jul 6, 2017)

Bear in mind, you did ask, so...





> “It wasn’t me,” said Teddy McGealach. This was false.


First line, first problem. Here, you the author, are talking to the reader. But how can you? You're not on the scene or in the story. So each time you speak to the reader, you kill any momentum the story had developed, and remind that that this is only a story. Compounding that, the voice of the narrator, because it can't be heard, is a monotone in the reader's mind. That reader can neither hear the narrator's voice or know your intent for the emotion to be placed in the words as read. All they have are punctuation, what the words suggest to them based on their background, and whatever is inherent to a given word.

If the person asking the question did so in a previous chapter, you made a mistake in not telling the reader the situation, first, to orient them. That's why it's so often suggested that a posting be page one chapter one, because only there is the reader expected to have no knowledge in order to read.If we don't know, we begin the scene not knowing who's speaking or shy.





> “Then tell me why I just picked you up from the fucking police station then,”


Use only the opening or closing "then." At present thjey're like bookends. 

Minor point: It may be that the father said exactly what's there. But...the word "fucking" adds nothing to the meaning of the sentence. Without it the question is unchanged. So all it accomplishes is to possibly distance those who object to such constructs—be the word "damn" or "stupid," or "freaking," or pretty much anything that might be tucked on there, instead. And since you're trying to make the reader want to continue reading...





> “’Cause I didn’t do anything,” said Teddy. This was also false.


Forgetting that you're intruding as a character in the story, and the question of why they don't both turn to you and ask who you are and why you're in their living room, your characters are talking _at_ each other. They don't stop to think. They don't rephrase or hesitate. They don't possess body language. They don't use any sense but sight and hearing. They don't _react._ They lob dialog back and forth, and you, who are mentally watching the film version, report on what there is to see and hear, then add in your own view of the events. How can that entertain? It only informs. But your reader is with you to be entertained.

Yes, I know, this is like I'm bashing you over the head with a 2x4, when you were hoping for a few comments, some hints, and an all over, "But it sounds like a great story." I truly wish there was a more gentle way. But I've not found none.

It's not a matter of how well you're writing. It's that you need more background on the unique requirements  our medium mandates—something not even touched on during our school years. No one, for example, pointed out  that only the author can read and hear emotion in the narrator's voice. Had they done that, you would have used the office of narrator only for things that didn't require it to display emotion, and would focus more on making the reader know how the _protagonist_ views the situation, to cause the reader to react in the same way. But in our school years no one even mentioned why we must have a protagonist and how that person's reaction to events drives the story.

So it's not an unsolvable problem. Nor is it one of talent or even the story. It's that if we want to write like pros we need to know what the pro knows, to the extent we want our reader to view our words as entertaining as the professional writers they usually read. And that's acquired knowledge, information that some time spent in the fiction writing department of the local library system can help with. A bit of fiction-writer's craft won't guarantee you fame and glory, but it can't hurt. And doesn't it make sense to spend some time, and a bit of coin on acquiring your writer's education, if you want to be one? Viewed that way, it may be something you'd hoped not to have to do, but as part of "becoming" a writer, it's no big deal.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.


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## SueC (Jul 22, 2017)

Hi Blue, You said this is "part of your novel," but also indicated this is when we first meet Teddy, so I'm thinking this is the beginning?

One of the main things we try to do as writers is evoke emotions in our readers when it comes to our characters. I sense you want your readers to feel some compassion for Teddy who sounds like he is on the cusp of something bad. The problem I am having with this piece is that there is no history from which to judge Teddy's behavior or actions. Where are these criminal instincts coming from? Where is his mother? Why is his father chopping veggies when his sister is in bed for the night? This whole thing left me confused and its seems like Teddy just popped out of nowhere. I know you have this in your head. Sometimes it is a challenge to figure out how much of a character's "back story" should be included in the actual novel, but I think I would put just something that would make your readers not only understand and sympathize with your main character, but also understand the environment in which he lives. Good luck!


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## Noelle (Jul 27, 2017)

It's good that you're starting w/ action.
Maybe you don't need the 'this was true/ false. It would be better if the reader didn't know - it raises a question, and if it's interesting enough the reader might keep reading to find out what's going on, to have their question answered. You can answer the question on the same page, but make sure you're raising other questions to compel the reader on.
picking you up from the police station makes the reader question, also, not only 'did he do it or not' but now 'what did he do?' that landed him in jail. It's not that bad if his dad is picking him up, but egging a house is a bit of a let down

I don't intend any disrespect but I stopped after the text talk, which slowed me down bec. I'm not a sixteen year-old kid. I stopped reading bec. I want to get on w/ my own writing. It wasn't a reflection on yours.
I wish you all the best.


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## Chrispt316 (Aug 23, 2017)

I think txt talk in the context is ok....


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## Avid Daydreamer (Sep 5, 2017)

I liked the imagery a lot. That's probably your strongest trait in my opinion.

The dialogue on the other hand was a bit scratchy. Even as a text conversation I found it a bit tough to read and understand. Because of the formatting that's also the focal point of the story in this case so I would work on that before touching the rest.


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## Euripides (Oct 6, 2017)

To add to the comment above from Jay about the 'This is false' and dialogue lobbing....
Something instead like 
"Teddy shifted uncomfortably, he knew this was false" 
And then the second time he lies, "Teddy looks away"

or somesuch (probably poor examples, but you get the gist)

Also, there's not any hint of why Teddy might be irritated/angry with the whole "Paranormal Vote NO" thing. Right now all I get from the character is a listless disaffected teenager, who aren't really known for caring about shit, even if it might affect them. And not so asshole-ish, again just typical teenager attitude.


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## Jay Greenstein (Oct 6, 2017)

Something to keep on mind, every time you're inclined to "explain things to the reader," is Mark Twain's comment: “Don't say the old _lady screamed__. __Bring her on and let her scream__.”_  Since you aren't in the story, and can't intrude without stopping the action, let them act in a way that makes the reader _know_ what you were going to _tell_ them, by observation.


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## MPhillip (Oct 7, 2017)

There are some technical problems that made reading the sample difficult for me and reduced my enjoyment.  

Paragraphs don't seem to exist except at the end each one.  Not sure if it is the way it's done in Ireland, but consider a space between paragraphs; otherwise the narrative gives the impression of one long paragraph.

Although not used as excessively as I use them, adverbs might be overly abundant.

A few commas (my bane) have appear to have snuck away from the keyboard and planted themselves where they are not needed.  This is one example:  “He walked to his room, and kept walking…”  If a break between the two phrases is needed consider replacing the comma with a period.

Those, and other snags, are minor and a good edit by another eye would probably be worthwhile.

The good news is that, despite the snippet being not in a style or genre I would normally read, the newspaper headline and Teddy’s reaction to it ties it all together and make me want to read more.


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## stebbinsd (Oct 14, 2017)

I've never had a book published in my life, so feel free to tell me to fuck off because I don't know what I'm talking about. But hey, I need at least 10 posts before I can start asking people for tips and advice on my own projects.

Consider remove the lines "This was false" and "this was also false." Storytelling is an exercise in show, don't tell. If Teddy is a juvenile delinquent and pathological liar, that should become apparent through the course of the story. You shouldn't have to spell out for us that he actually did those crimes. Re-write the rest of the story, if you haven't already, to make it clearer that he's a juvenile delinquent.

In fact, that would actually make for an interesting twist about halfway through the tale! From your intro alone, if you take out the parts where Teddy's statements are false, then it just seems that his dad is abusive and Teddy is only misunderstood! It would be an interesting twist for the reader if it was revealed that Teddy really was a troublemaker, and his dad's cynicism about him was justified the whole time!


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## stebbinsd (Oct 18, 2017)

Come to think of it, I can actually think of a small little plot hole in this intro you might want to think about patching up.

Teddy's father was chopping tomatoes. You mention that he was imagining the tomato was his son. However, he then ordered his son to bed because it was late.

So ... did he just leave his cooking project on the counter overnight, where the flies could get to it?

Just a minor thought I had. Feel free to ignore it.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 18, 2017)

Hello Blue,

This is decent. The issues I have with it are basically what I would have with any amateur work. There is stuff needing cut down to create a more sharp, powerful piece.

Here's a stab to show you what I mean.

_*“It wasn’t me,” said Teddy McGealach. This was false.
“Then tell me why I just picked you up from the fucking police station then?"
“’Cause I didn’t do anything,” Teddy answered. This was also false.
“When don’t you do anything." His father slammed the fridge shut, holding tomatoes which he flung into the counter.
“I didn’t this time.”
His father started cutting the tomatoes. Angrily, roughly, like he was imagining Teddy was that tomato. “Sneaking out the house to get drunk? Egging houses? That sounds like you."
This was true. "Go check on your sister, and leave me be.”
This was a common conversation between them. In that cramped apartment overlooking Liverpool, it was hard to say much other than 'I’ve had enough of you.' Teddy huffed again, mainly for effect this time, and hoisted himself up. In the third bedroom down the hall she was sleeping. Only she wasn't. Instead she was really lying on the floor, making teddy bears dance.
“Daisy,” said Teddy, trying his hardest to seem stern. 
Daisy turned to look at him. 
"Shouldn’t you be in bed by now?"
She grinned. “Nope!” 
Teddy had had enough. “Get to bed, alright?” He turned and walked to his room, then to the window where he climbed out onto the street. They lived on the ground floor. A good thing. Easier to escape. 

*_
Your dialogue as it is isn't bad but I want it to be tighter, faster and a little less 'wordy'. The narrative similarly is pretty good. I can see you doing a decent YA novel. It sounds like this story is at least semi-autobiographical which is great. I would suggest reading this back to yourself constantly asking what each sentence means and if it makes sense to the story. For example, "S*he grinned in a way that made Teddy want to fall asleep on the spot*" makes zero sense. I cannot imagine a grin that could make anybody want to fall asleep on the spot, especially somebody who just got done in a fight with his dad. The only kind of 'grin' I could imagine making anybody want to do anything bed-related would not be one coming from a little sister...if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it's a decent piece. Keep at it. And yes, you are 'doing it right'


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## Renaissance Man (Oct 23, 2017)

It's hard for me to get passed the language. Cursing at a reader (especially in the first paragraph) is a fast way to get many people to put down the book. As for anything else? Just saying "this was false" or "that was false" is more androidic. To pull a reader in you need to have emotion. Try using Teddy's own thoughts or tell-tale behaviour to tell the reader that he's lying.

Hope this helps.

Renaissance Man


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## VonBradstein (Oct 23, 2017)

Renaissance Man said:


> It's hard for me to get passed the language. Cursing at a reader (especially in the first paragraph) is a fast way to get many people to put down the book. As for anything else? Just saying "this was false" or "that was false" is more androidic. To pull a reader in you need to have emotion. Try using Teddy's own thoughts or tell-tale behaviour to tell the reader that he's lying.
> 
> Hope this helps.
> 
> Renaissance Man



Sorry, I think that’s a bogus claim. Many modern authors use profanity as it lends realism. Most readers are not prudish about it. What has most people putting down books is bad writing.

The thing about profanity and slang generally is it tends to up the stakes a little. If the writing is good the profanity blends naturally. If the writing is poor it not only makes it uglier but irks the reader by appearing to try to hard to be controversial. That’s my take on it anyway. 

I put this piece in the not there but has potential category.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sas (Oct 23, 2017)

I will only address one line. The opening fuck one.
As someone who grew up in a "fuck you" Detroit neighborhood, that line would be said this way:

“Then tell me why the fuck I just picked you up from the police station then,” 

or: 

"Then tell me what the fuck I just picked you up from the police station for" 

The is something about having "the" with "fuck" that reams it home. Trust me. 

sas


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## Ralph Rotten (Nov 22, 2017)

You need  brush strokes to illustrate your characters.  Chopping a tomato does not speak to the character or the scene--is dad fat, skinny, sloppy, loud, bellicose, super-square?  

The same for the kid, you have dialog but no brush strokes to illustrate him.  You need little tidbits that tell us about him.  Does he have one of those a55hole haircuts where his hair sticks up in the front?  Does he dress in a way that shows he is a narcissist, does he do little annoying things when he talks?

Dialog is the most valuable real estate of all; use it to do more than talk.  Add little brush strokes here 'n there that tell you about the character or the scene.  Chopping tomatoes tells us nothing.

Also, you can illustrate characters both directly and indirectly.  
Directly: describing the character, their mannerisms, their thoughts.  
Indirectly: illustrating the character through the eyes of another character.  How other characters view and react to your hero helps to better paint them both.

Just my 2.5 cents.


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## Jagunco (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm sort of wondering how he could slam the fridge shut and pull out tomatoes.

For the "This was false" bit I would probably have just said

“It wasn’t me,” lied Teddy McGealach.

Not to bad other than that...


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## JojosBooks (Dec 11, 2017)

Disclaimer: I have yet to complete my first novel. That being said, as a reader I do have a few suggestions. I agree that the "true," "not true" stuff needs to be reworked. It's jarring and interrupts the flow of the story.

More importantly, you need to give a better reason to continue reading. Forgive me if I missed something, but all I've learned about the story is that there's a guy named Teddy who likes to cause trouble. I acknowledge that you mentioned "paranormals" and their rights, but I just don't think that's enough to engage. There needs to be some secondary element, something character-based, that hooks people. I'm assuming Teddy is a paranormal, so you might add some dialogue or an inner monologue that subtly hints toward his gift. Something, anything to distinguish your characters from just average, kind of boring people. Even the side characters could be a lot more interesting.

Imagery is indeed your talent. I love your descriptions and metaphors. However, some of the dialogue needs work. I found myself re-reading lines of dialogue several times and still feeling like the meaning was lost on me. Maybe I'm just daft, but this line confused me: "She grinned in a way that made Teddy want to fall asleep on the spot."    I know he's tired, but how did her facial expression advance his fatigue?

I hope that wasn't too harsh. I genuinely like your premise, and your descriptions are evocative. Best of luck to you!


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