# "Naiqa's Kingdom" | Excerpt from fanatsy epic. (574 Words)



## Apex Predator (Oct 12, 2015)

“It’s almost complete” she murmured to herself.


  After twenty-five years of planning, after two hundred and twenty-six years of hate; her plan was finally ready to be unleashed. The armored fleet was set to sail by dawn, her scouts had surveyed the routes weeks before, the legions had been amassed, and their muskets were in the finest working order. It was only a matter of time before the realm of mankind would bleed and burn.


  From her palace-fortress, the queen who simply referred to herself as _Naiqa_ looked from her balcony onto the skyline of a teeming city and yond towards the surrounding desert ergs. The sun had finally fallen and she was free to gaze upon her subjects and the city which they dwelled. 


  Narhet City was unlike any other city throughout Tethyra: a surrounding iron wall, filled day and night with her most lethal legionnaires. Ever armed and ever watchful, they were not worried about people coming in; but were tasked with preventing humans from escaping.  Inside the city walls everything was made of one material - steel; whilst all was decorated with two others - gold and diamonds.  The streets were paved in gold, statues were made of it, and even the fountains were gilded with it. The bas-relief was studded with diamonds; the mosaics were crafted with diamonds of many colors, whilst windows themselves were cut from them.


  There were towering steel structures which housed a new kind of invention, one which the humans dubbed “the steam engine”. These “engines towers” transformed the raw ores of the earth into things more desirables. Working nonstop, they spewed a constant veil of black smoke above the city; giving onto it a never ending shadow.


  Then there were the flies, millions upon millions of them. 


  It was not hard to imagine why; beside the enslaved persons, every inhabitant within Narhet City was a living dead. Soulless rotting corpses who were brought back to life to eternally serve the queen called Naiqa; their stench brought a never ending cloud of flies above the city.


  “Your Great and Powerful Excellency,” spoke a terrified servant “Your bath is ready.”


  “Get out of here!” snapped Naiqa.


  The servant scampered away whilst her eyes never left the horizon; she hated being interrupted whilst see was enjoying the view. 


  “I will make them pay, I will make them suffer”, she murmured to herself “And that which they loved and cared about will be gone - Forever!”


  She left here balcony and departed to her bath room. Her tub was made of solid gold and studded with only the most exotic gems from across Tethyra. 

The rooms its self was made of granite and marble tiles whilst in the corner a group of undead servants strung away on harps and lyres. 


  “Bring them in” she commanded to a masked guard at the door. 


  From the behind the door emerged the usual sight: a group of twenty young girls all chained and sobbing together.


  “Line them up!” she snapped. The guard hauled crying group over to the golden tub, whilst Naiqa began to strip nude.


  “You_ know_ your duty!” she snapped whilst settling into the tub.


  All at once the guard grabbed the first girl- she was red-haired and probably not a day over twelve- he then pulled out a gilded kukri knife, leaned her over the rim of the tub, and with a swift motion sliced her throat open.


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## Harper J. Cole (Oct 14, 2015)

Thanks for posting. I think that a few small errors have crept in ...




> After twenty-five years of planning, after two hundred and twenty-six years of hate*,* her plan was finally ready to be unleashed.







> Ever armed and ever watchful, they were not worried about people coming in*,* but were tasked with preventing humans from escaping.







> Inside the city walls everything was made of one material - steel*,* whilst all was decorated with two others - gold and diamonds.




/\ Each of these should be commas; semicolons are for connecting closely related independent clauses, whereas there's only really one clause in these instances.




> The sun had finally fallen and she was free to gaze upon her subjects and the city





> *in* which they *dwelt*.







> These “engines towers” transformed the raw ores of the earth into things more *desirable*.







> The servant scampered away whilst her eyes never left the horizon; she hated being interrupted whilst *she* was enjoying the view.







> “Line them up!” she snapped. The guard hauled *the* crying group over to the golden tub, whilst Naiqa began to strip nude.




/\ A few typos.




> “Your Great and Powerful Excellency,” spoke a terrified servant*,* “*y*our bath is ready.”




/\ This is all one sentence by the servant, so there's a small y in your.

Those nits aside, this is a visceral intro to your villain, making use of some nice descriptions of her home. If you're going to be featuring her heavily in the story, I'd advise giving plenty of background to show how she became such a moral vacuum. Feel free to post more of it here any time! 8)


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## Apex Predator (Oct 19, 2015)

Thank you.. I'll defiantly do a longer and better job revising


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## Maxton (Nov 27, 2015)

My first reaction upon finishing this was "HOLY EXPLICITIVE!"   I'll refrain from corrections that have already been pointed out, as that would be redundant.  Mostly  my quibble would be "ever armed and ever watchful". This might just be my own feelings as I don't think it is incorrect in of it self.  I personally would have said something like, "Heavily armed and ever watchful."  

That is just my own feeling and in no way reflects  upon its correctness.  It's one of those things, like having a differing opinion on the best way to fix a head gasket. In the end all that matters is that the gasket got fixed.


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## Caragula (Nov 29, 2015)

Hi,

There's a glaring contradiction in you saying that the city is made only of steel gold and diamonds but naiqa's own quarters has rooms and floors of granite and ceramic and there are other exotic gems referenced.

I would consider also whether it should be the most lethal legionnaires and not just legionnaires that man the walls.  If it's a city those are large walls, and as such she must have a huge number of these most lethal soldiers, which then makes me wonder whether there are less lethal soldiers guarding her palace.

Other than that, it's hard to make any suggestions.  She seems obviously 'evil', as in, almost a caricature, but perhaps more story would reveal any nuance that would get a reader more interested.  Two dimensional villains rarely sustain a great story.


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## MrTiggles (Dec 13, 2015)

Really enjoyed the story, would enjoy reading further

Some things I noticed.



> She left here balcony and departed to her bath room. Her tub was made of solid gold and studded with only the most exotic gems from across Tethyra.
> 
> The rooms its self was made of granite and marble tiles whilst in the corner a group of undead servants strung away on harps and lyres.


You mention the city is completely made of steel, yet Naiqa's quarter's do not seem to fit this theme. If this is a benefit of her position, I feel like it should be made a bit more clear.

I would also like a bit more background on the villain here, but I'm sure that is to come as this is but a segment of your story.

Best of luck


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## ned (Dec 21, 2015)

hello,

enjoyed the story - wonderful imagination used here, with surprises at every turn.
on the whole, the writing is pretty good - just needs tidying up as advised above.

cheers
Ned


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 16, 2016)

Very good read. I could feel the hate that poured from your main character. Nice imagery too. My only thing would be this sentence: "Narhet City was unlike any other city throughout Tethyra"
Doubling up on the word "city" seems unnecessary. Maybe change it to: "Narhet was unlike any other city throughout Tethyra" or the other way around: "Nerhet city was unlike any other throughout Tethyra."

Other than that and the above marked incorrections I enjoyed it!


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