# Reset



## Annetta (Jul 20, 2010)

tagline: What if everything you had ever been told was a lie?

_This is the beginning of a novel I've been working on for a few weeks. I just wanted to see if anyone found it interesting. Thanks in advance for taking the time to check it out!_

She instinctively flinched as he reached down and took her hand, to guide her through the massive, sweating, pulsing throng of tourists. Glancing quickly at his face, she knew that he hadn’t noticed. He was clearly intent on parting this sea of humanity and finding them a table in the little Mexican cantina alongside the riverwalk. 

Usually, she controlled her reaction a little better, but sometimes it still caught her unprepared, when he would reach out and lovingly stroke her cheek or put his arm around her waist. Lately, it took every ounce of concentration to keep that gentle smile pasted across her face. It was getting worse, and she had no idea what to do.

_What is wrong with me?_ He wasn’t a bad guy – far from it. Attentive, caring, handsome, thoughtful…she reeled off his positive qualities like a litany, for the umpteenth time in the past week. She wryly noted that she had alphabetized and committed them to memory, just like her grocery lists. She tried to ignore the other list that always popped up in her head at the same time: _controlling, impatient, inscrutable … secretive._

He came to a stop at the hostess stand. “Table for two, please,” he said with a charming smile to the young woman wearing a headset and holding a tablet with a very long list of names. Elizabeth casually extricated her fingers from his as he attempted to negotiate with the young woman about the expected hour long wait.

She stepped slowly backward, and maneuvered around a small group of people who were also waiting on a table. She sat down on a low stone wall to wait. He couldn’t see her, and she knew he wouldn’t like it, but by staying this close, she could feign innocence when he finally found her. 

She tilted her head back and removed the ridiculous hat that he had purchased for her just that morning from the hotel gift shop, to protect her from the scorching San Antonio sun. She suspected that the hat had nothing to do with the sun and everything to do with the way other men looked at her. It wasn’t like he became angry when she attracted someone’s attention. It was more like it made him…nervous. _Well bring it on_, she thought, as she closed her eyes for a moment and absorbed the glorious warmth in full from head to toe.


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## paintedglasses (Jul 20, 2010)

The tagline is a little hyperbolic over what seems to be an obvious set-up for a mysterious lover with a dark secret scenario. So either this bland but adjective-happy excerpt really says little about the planned novel as a whole or it's pretty cliche.


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## garza (Jul 20, 2010)

Yeah, like, I mean, you know, _tell me more_.

This is good. You have caught your main character in sharp focus. You've not yet given any physical description, but I can see her, tell you a good deal about her already just from the few words you've already written. 

I did get one jolt at the start when 'he reached down and took her hand'. That made me wonder if she might be a child. The 'reached down and' is superfluous. If you just say 'he took her hand' then there is no confusion.  

Please. I want to know what happens next.


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## garza (Jul 20, 2010)

But 'this bland but adjective-happy excerpt' does what so many of the posts here fail to do. It creates a real person. That's enough for me to want to see what happens. I like real people. Now if the fellow she's with turns out to be a mutant zombie from Pluto I may change my opinion, but for now let the clichés roll so long as they roll out a character I can see.

I'm not so biased against adjectives as I am adverbs, but both have a place.


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## Annetta (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks, paintedglasses and garza!  I appreciate the viewpoint.  This is definitely no 'mysterious lover with a dark secret' tale, so I'm probably not defining the genre quickly enough.  Umm...I'll post a little more and see if you all think it really is taking too long to hook my reader with an accurate concept of where I'm going.  Here is the next little bit...

It felt absolutely delicious to relax anonymously on her rock and just watch the people.  San Antonio in the height of tourist season was a cacophony of noise, color and mostly happy people, a bustling river side café scene.  There were couples ambling along the path, parents dragging children, birds hunting for crumbs, riverboat guides with microphones, and a band of mariachis that started up across the river.  It was quite marvelous and she felt herself start to relax for the first time since they had arrived the night before.

“There you are,” he said, right beside her once more.  “I was worried that you had wandered off.”

“Don’t be silly, Richard,” she said, more gently than she felt.  “I was five feet away.  I’m just enjoying the scenery.  Isn’t that why we came?  To enjoy ourselves?”

“Of course,” he said, more calmly now.  “but you’re sitting right in the sun.  Don’t you want to move?  Or let’s at least put your hat on.”  He reached across to take the hat from where it rested on the rock wall beside her.

“No, Richard, I don’t want to wear the damn hat!” she exclaimed, a little more loudly than she intended.  Several people nearby turned to glance at them, and then looked away.  

His shocked face bore the evidence that she rarely, if ever, raised her voice.  He drew his hand back, and looked at her more intently.  She glanced up at him for a moment, and then exhaled slowly.  “I’m sorry.   That wasn’t called for.   I know you’re just watching out for me.”

He slowly smiled and said, “That’s right, baby.  My whole life is about taking care of you.”  He reached out and tucked a strand of her blond hair behind her ear.  

She smiled back, and then looked away.  “You know, I’m not as fragile as you think I am,” she said, softly.

“I know,” he said, “but you’ve been through a lot, baby.  Few people have been through as much as you have.  You almost died in that car wreck, then you went through all those surgeries, and to never regain any of your memory…,” his voice trailed off to a whisper.  “How can I help but worry about you?”

“But that was years ago, and I’m fine now.  You know I am.”

“You had to re-learn how to walk, talk…feed yourself.  And I had to watch it all.  It was awful.”

There it was – his trump card, the Ace of Guilt.  He always played it at the right moment, quickly bringing any such discussion to a close by managing to make her feel like his suffering was all her fault, simply because she hadn’t been aware of it.  She always found it strange that he, who was so attentive and caring in so many other ways, had never asked what it was like for her during those horrific early days.  She had awoken from a three week induced coma into some mad, psychotic dream where her mind was completely disconnected from her body.   She wasn’t sure if she would have told him anyway.  There seemed to be no point in burdening him with the nightmares that still stalked her.


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## garza (Jul 20, 2010)

You are starting to rush, to try and frontload all the backfill, to mix terminology. Your summation of her past problems reads like a police situation report. Let that bubble up slowly. 

You need a transition from the pasted on smile and cool head to the sudden outburst about the hat. 
'He reached across to take the hat from where it rested on the rock wall beside her.'
You need a short bit here about her irritation boiling over. Not much, but just enough to prepare us for 'No, Richard, I don’t want to wear the damn hat!' 

When Richard say, 'My whole life is about taking care of you,' I think we begin to see the problem in this relationship. Richard wants control, and he knows which button to push to get it. This is the best line in this section: '...his trump card, the Ace of Guilt.'

She thinks she owes him, but she needs to learn that we never owe anybody our whole life.


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## Xhale (Jul 20, 2010)

UGLY ADVERBS!!!!

Besides all the unnecessary adverbs floating around the screen, this is well done. I thought it was well written and starts off the story on a good foot. Just clear up those adverbs! Good luck!


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## garza (Jul 21, 2010)

Xhale - Quote for me the lines where you see an excessive number of adverbs. I'll go back and count again, but I don't see that as a problem.

Used sparingly, the adverb is useful.


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## garza (Jul 21, 2010)

I have cut seven adverbs from the first section along with a few commas. I changed
three words and deleted one prepositional phrase and three words. See how this reads.
----------------------------
She flinched as he took her hand to guide her through the massive, sweating, pulsing throng of tourists. Glancing at his face, she knew that he hadn’t noticed. He was intent on parting this sea of humanity and finding them a table in the little Mexican cantina alongside the riverwalk. 

Usually she controlled her reaction a little better, but sometimes it still caught her unprepared when he would reach out and stroke her cheek or put his arm around her waist. Lately it took every ounce of concentration to keep that gentle smile pasted across her face. It was getting worse, and she had no idea what to do.

What is wrong with me? He isn’t a bad guy – far from it. Attentive, caring, handsome, thoughtful…she reeled off his positive qualities like a litany, for the umpteenth time in the past week. She noted that she had alphabetised and committed them to memory, just like her grocery lists. She tried to ignore the other list that always popped up in her head at the same time: controlling, impatient, inscrutable … secretive.

He came to a stop at the hostess' stand. “Table for two, please,” he said with a charming smile to the young woman wearing a headset and holding a tablet with a very long list of names. Elizabeth extricated her fingers from his as he attempted to negotiate with the young woman about the expected hour long wait.

She stepped backward, and maneuvered around a small group of people who were also waiting for a table. She sat down on a low stone wall. He couldn’t see her, and she knew he wouldn’t like it, but by staying this close, she could feign innocence when he found her. 

She tilted her head back and removed the ridiculous hat that he had purchased for her just that morning from the hotel gift shop, to protect her from the scorching San Antonio sun. She suspected that the hat had nothing to do with the sun and everything to do with the way other men looked at her. It wasn’t like he became angry when she attracted someone’s attention. It was more like it made him…nervous. Well bring it on, she thought, as she closed her eyes for a moment and absorbed the glorious warmth in full from head to toe.

Xhale - I didn't parse the second section. See what you can come up with.

Annetta - Pardon our intrusion. You have a good piece, but Xhale was right. There were adverbs that weren't needed. See what you think.


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## Annetta (Jul 21, 2010)

*You are right...too many adverbs!*

Although I think I would keep some of them that Garza has edited out.  It's funny how once someone else points something out it becomes glaringly obvious to you.  Ah, well, I suppose we all have to start somewhere.  Thanks again!  You are all very, very helpful.


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## garza (Jul 21, 2010)

Read through my edit a few times, then go through and put back the adverbs you believe are really needed. Also take note of the other changes. 

Most of all, keep working on it. You've made a good start.


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