# A Simple Trip To Florida (possible language) Part 1 of too many



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 19, 2014)

*A Simple Trip To Florida (possible language) Part 1 -3*

The day seemed to start so well, especially considering what time it had begun. I am up at 6 AM for my 8:15 flight to Florida from The Westchester County Airport (HPN)-conveniently located less than 6 miles away. By 6:20 I'm feeling great, having for the first time in several years met the sandman by 10 PM the previous evening. It wasn't until 10 hours later that I realized 2 SNAFU's had already occurred.


MY alarm had never gone off! My clock is one of those high tech error free gizmos that updates itself minute by minute via atomic particles circling one of the moons of Venus if I recall correctly. The fact that it was reading 8 minutes behind my cable box was of no concern. There were probably just Sun Storms that day- I'd make the simple adjustment. This gadget has at least 15-20 buttons of some type which makes for somewhere north of 60 million combinations but i swear i had it right. 


The second screwup was the back-up wake up call coming from www.wakerupper.com. The only thing with this was my phone has 'Smart Actions' which were set (by me) so that my phone would not ring between the hours of 11PM-7AM. Well the 'Smart Actions' worked fine and yes i know that i just passed over a weak joke. Anyway who cares, i woke up on my own. Upon reflection, It may have been key in me making it through this sanity testing day that i wasn't already aggravated by having slept through the alarms that weren't there.



I arrived at the airport fat, dumb and happy 40 mins before take-off, plenty of time for this tiny place. From the entrance door to the gate I'm guessing is well under 100 feet as the crow flies and maybe 130 feet as the drunk stumbles.


The first thing i did of course was to check the Security line. There were a few people going through the process but no one waiting at all. After buying a newspaper and a banana cake I make my way to the line where there are currently 6-7 people ahead of me. Naturally the line comes to a dead stop now that I'm there. I'm trying to be patient but after 4-5 minutes or so-I'm craning my neck to see what is going on. I know there must be an imbecile involved and I plan on doing some serious muttering when i find him! 


There are 2 people, foreign looking, standing in front of the podium looking lost and the Security Lady is staring into space. WTF is going on??!! Either you have your ID and boarding pass or you don't!


By now they are announcing my flight is pre boarding. Still no sweat-plenty of time.


After what felt like substantially less than an eternity, the line begins moving.

pt 2

I finally reach the front and at that very moment to the millisecond, my right hand brushes something heavy and in an instant I realize i have my favorite $95 pocket knife clipped to these pants. I show it to the security guy who has now joined his female counterpart. I no longer care about muttering at imbeciles, i have my very own problems-and i am the biggest imbecile in sight anyway. Had I not discovered the knife at that last possible second however, just missed it for 3 more seconds, I imagine the problems would have been far bigger/sooner.

"Sir we can take that from you or you can go bring it back to your car".

As I am trying to sort this out quickly, ignoring his car advice and come up with a viable solution, I hear "Jet Blue flight 817, all seats all rows". Evidently it's a small plane.

"I took a cab-I dont have a car" "Well sir you can put it in that bag and check it through to West Palm back at the ticket counter"

I was so hoping to hear-"The Newspaper lady sells padded envelopes and $1.00 stamps-Just run over there and mail it back to yourself". But nooooooo-makes way too much sense for someone to provide a needed service and make a few bucks from grateful people! 

So now I am in a COMPLETE PANIC. Panicking is one of my stronger suits. I'm under the gun, feeling the heat, and sweating bullets. My mouth is drier than the dessert sand at high noon and I'm shaking but i have to get this bag checked! and quickly! Previously at the urging of the PA system, I had put my keys, wallet, 2 wads of money, and everything else from my pockets into my 1/16th inch thin canvas bag with a broken zipper. These things cannot go into the cargo hold in that bag - No F'n way!! 

There is no place in the area to repack this bag conveniently. Forget about with a speck of dignity. I'm sitting on the floor, dumping everything out so i can retrieve my keys, $$ wads, ID, camera etc and get them back on my person. The chances of this bag making it through the detoured trip intact are near nil. As i finish up, I spot the Taxi booth and a friendly face.

There's a guy working there who knows me for decades. I rush up with the knife and $10 bill in hand. He refuses the $10 and advises that if he isn't there when i return, the knife will be in "that drawer", clearly a junk drawer full of things no one would have any respect for. I'm somewhat relieved but keep in mind i have some sort of OCD that wants me to keep all "good things" new. This knife which I have had for at least 2 years has never cut one blessed thing. Not paper, not packing tape-nothing-A virgin. Still i saw this as the best option at the moment. 

Time to worry about something else and now I'm rushing back to the security line shoving everything i had in my pockets recklessly back in the bag for an effortless quick cruise through the process.

I make it to the belt without incident, now thinking of my knife- soon to be abused or to disappear all together! I place my stuff there, get it moving and now I'm being motioned into the strip search machine. I step in- the thing does a 360 around me, measures and critiques my stuff, sends out mass Email gifs and in 3 seconds it's over. Im directed to two yellow foot prints where i am told to stand. A burly guy steps over invading my space and says :

"Sir there seems to be some sort of patch about 4x4 inches in the center of your back. Would you happen to know what that would be sir?"

"No but i do know there is no patch there of any sorta sort".

"Sir I'm going to have to touch that area of your back, is that all right with you?"

"Just keep your hands off my ass"

"No problem sir, Im going to touch your back now-Is that OK sir?" 

"Yes"

At this point I notice that my bag has not made its way out of the X Ray tunnel.

The burly guy starts his examination of me, taking his hand and only using the very tips of his fingers to barely touch me solely in that 4x4 area!!!

This guy is acting like I'm Mariah Carey and he is desperately trying to avoid an embarrassing and costly national incident/lawsuit. WTH?

"Ok sir you're done". 

But I'm not. My bag is in the middle of the tunnel and 2 guys are still looking at the monitor- pointing and talking about my bag.....

Time is running out and I'm tired of these guys whispering about my bag. I yell out


"It's a flashlight!!" "Oh a flashlight?!-It's a big one!" "Yes it's a big one!"


So now what does he do? He runs it through until it is out of the tunnel, grabs it, walks it back and puts it at the start of the belt for ANOTHER trip through X Ray! 


Now from the extremely hard to believe department, It gets to the mid point of the X Ray tunnel again, to the identical location and he STOPS IT AGAIN!! SAME GUY! OMGWTF?! This flashlight has got him baffled for the second time! JUST take it out and look at it you dumb %#$@! Not hearing a thing about my flight anymore either. Has it left? 


After pondering for waaaaaay too long, Mr Genius runs it through to the end again, picks it up and hands my bag to a good size female bruiser who takes it behind something and out of my view! Thanks a bunch. Just what is needed now-settle my nerves.


Reminder- All my important stuff including but not limited to: 2 wads of cash, credit cards, meds and keys to both my places are in this small bag and it's totally out of my sight in the hands of a stranger. 


I can see The Bruiser's upper arms and torso but not my bag!. It appears as though she has a perp on the table and is pummeling him with lefts and rights-left right!-Arms going up and down, in and out. What is she doing and why the f* ck is she not doing it in front of me? From time to time she glances at me. Waiting for an opening? I don't know but i know I am worried. A minute or two more of this torture and my bag apparently finally passes the critical pummel test. It is handed back to me.


Now i have to know if everything is still in there? But do i have time?


"This is the final boarding call for Jet Blue flight 617-All passengers....................etc"


I do a three second search of the bag and confirm that at least my keys and ONE wad of cash are still in there-the small wad.. Gotta move on...


By now I'm totally dehydrated. All the moisture in my body has flowed out my armpits and evaporated because of the heat I'm giving off. I'm hot and dry mouthed -like an empty frying pan left on the burner for the better part of a day. WATER WATER! I know the final final boarding call is over but I just cant go on without water.


Now having had PLENTY of experience with this $3 water machine, before i left home, i pre selected three perfect brand new crisp one dollar bills for specific use in this machine. They are in my shaking hand


Im standing there feeding them into the slot 400 MPH and they are coming out at 500 MPH, hitting the deck, floating in the air etc. I'm flailing at them looking like a wild man who had just stepped on a bee hive. All along trying to figure out the Instructional Diagram showing exactly how they go in. It goes without saying I'm panicking like I'm in front of The Grand Jury again! (Ok that's the first exaggeration-I've never been in front of a Grand Jury) Being so out of sorts, i don't remember what the cure was for this regurgitating dollar slot but sometime well after i should have received the water (if only i had remained calm), I got it and I'm tripping towards the Gate- no other passengers in sight.


The gate is still manned and I slip in. Now to find the gate within the gate but the velvet rope leads me me to one proclaiming 'Ft Lauderdale'. Long story short-Yes it did read that and yes it was on 'My Jetway'. The plane was going to West Palm Beach-my destination and not Ft Lauderdale. I don't think i can really call this a break but at least it was resolved pretty quickly and with only a minimal amount of panicking,


I reach the plane door- only one lady in front of me who asks the Stewardess for a water. "I'm sorry we don't actually have them yet. They are in the back-Later blah blah blah". I pat my back for the one good decision i had made a few minutes earlier.


As i make my way to my seat, the sounds of a Tuberculosis slash Allergy Clinic surround me.....


----------



## Plasticweld (Jun 19, 2014)

First you have to finish the story.

I do like the way you write, just as you think as the thoughts cross your mind. In my opinion there are not enough pieces written this way. I am sure the writers here can make all sorts of comments over your sentences, I of coarse see none as I focus on what is being told rather than the forma, I also lack the skills......So finish the story


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 19, 2014)

It's soooooooooooooo long-I don think anyone would bother to read it all at once.I'll put up part 2 and then see if there is any interest.

I added pt2


----------



## Bolus_of_Doom (Jun 24, 2014)

There's potential here, but the problem with non-fiction anecdotes is that the events described have probably happened to almost everyone. Alarm clock malfunctions, clogged airport security, oops, scissors in my carry on, etc. To keep the reader's interest, you have to play up the imagery and/or come up with novel metaphors that apply to these little inconveniences. Or better yet, use the non-fiction part of the anecdote as a skeleton for an outrageously-embellished fiction piece.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 24, 2014)

Part 3 tacked on to post one


----------



## T.S.Bowman (Jun 25, 2014)

I have never had reason to deal with airport security as I have never flown the friendly skies.

Stories like this one make me realize that my "If I can't drive there I don't need to go there" philosophy is sound. I don't have the patience to suffer fools easily.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 2, 2014)

Bolus_of_Doom said:


> There's potential here, but the problem with non-fiction anecdotes is that the events described have probably happened to almost everyone. Alarm clock malfunctions, clogged airport security, oops, scissors in my carry on, etc. To keep the reader's interest, you have to play up the imagery and/or come up with novel metaphors that apply to these little inconveniences. Or better yet, use the non-fiction part of the anecdote as a skeleton for an outrageously-embellished fiction piece.



If you still have that opinion after you read the whole thing, let me know.


----------



## Pandora (Jul 3, 2014)

Funny Mudgeon, laughs out loud here. I beg to differ about the situation that has happened to everyone, that is, for me, what makes it hilarious. I read these out of sync so I'm going back in for another round. Air travel so stressful, not the actual up in the air, loving that, it is the airport for sure. Oh, for us not a flashlight :wink:  you should of seen the crowd around my husband's suitcase, really? worth a few chuckles that trip . . . ha!

Really enjoyed looking forward to more funnies from you.


----------



## Misty Mirrors (Jul 4, 2014)

Hello Mudgeon Ramblings.
The imagery is fantastic.
The metaphors and similies good.
You brought in a little of your feelings also. That was good also. A lot of writers don't do that.
It is a little long.
I burst out laughing reading your story. I was sitting in a cafe. The lady operating the coffee machine gave me a strange look. Apart from that everything was positive.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 8, 2014)

This story has allegedly received 300 views in the last 3 days while the 'Conclusion' has received ZERO!!! Those numbers do not make sense on ANY level imo. During that time it has been halfway down the first page (or more)  making it even more unlikely to get 'views'. Yes i know views doesn't mean anyone actually read it also,  but we are comparing apples to apples so that is irrelevant.

it also has probably the best title to have people NOT want to read/open it

Can anyone explain these seemingly aberrational statistically near impossible numbers?
 Ok then someone just humor me. just reply    That does seem odd.  <------- Copy and paste

Love talking to myself-story is deleted until i find out what's going on


----------



## DannyMullen (Jul 10, 2014)

Mudgeon Ramblings said:


> This story has allegedly received 300 views in the last 3 days while the 'Conclusion' has received ZERO!!! Those numbers do not make sense on ANY level imo. During that time it has been halfway down the first page (or more)  making it even more unlikely to get 'views'. Yes i know views doesn't mean anyone actually read it also,  but we are comparing apples to apples so that is irrelevant.
> 
> it also has probably the best title to have people NOT want to read/open it
> 
> ...


I'm confused...why do page views matter so much?


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 10, 2014)

They dont per se -what matters is there is something very wrong-This story has had 130 views in the last 24 hours since i DELETED it!!!-Ive had 592 views on this thread compared to ONE on the other (Conclusion of the SAME STORY!!) in the last 4 days You think that is normal? -statistically possible??!! No it isnt! Makes no sense. 

I think hackers are entering the site through this page or similar. i dont know what it is but it is almost definitely some kinda problem and it's  worrying me. I dont understand why no one else sees how illogical this is.


----------



## Plasticweld (Jul 10, 2014)

There is a good chance that it was picked up by a search engine or a link to it was posted somewhere because someone l liked it and pasted the link of the story some place, people clicked on it bring them right to your post and it would show up as views.

 I had a internet company in the past and each evening I could check our web traffic and see who visited each page, how long they were on the page and where they came from. if you came in from a search engine I could tell you what you typed in to get to our page.  I am sure someone here has the know how to see where the traffic is coming from this is old technology


The other option is your really great writer and the world has just discovered  you.... I would hold out for this


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 10, 2014)

i doubt it but just in case there is a link-ill put it back up-i contacted a mod about it and let's just say they didnt 'get it' like everyone else except you- IT ABSOLUTELY cant be the latter though as more than ONE of the last 592 might have looked at the Conclusion if they liked it. I would also THINK someone linked or at least TWO of them would have read the Conclusion also even by accident. They ARE NOT reading anyone else's stuff either judging from the numbers-Very weird to me in ANY scenario i can come up with. 



 I think it's hackers. Once on my blog i got this influx of visitors from Russia and that's what they turned out to be but i guess they can hack with or without the story up so ill put  it back.

PS-Yes even on my Flickr Pics i can see if they came in from a search engine and what search terms they used. Some of the other "traffic info" i get there i dont fully understand though.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 23, 2014)

The craziness with the numbers stopped as suddenly as it began. Wish i knew.


----------



## Pandora (Jul 24, 2014)

Mudgeon Ramblings said:


> The craziness with the numbers stopped as suddenly as it began. Wish i knew.


I thought back to a previous forum I was on, not writing but a creative area. A thread I made went up by like 10,000 views, really a lot.  I was sure I was in twilight zone or the view fairy had passed through. Actually I thought it a weird glitch probably the view button got stuck :wink:  had no idea there was a way to link a search engine but much mystifies me.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jul 24, 2014)

I at first thought  some large site had placed a link to the story on its site somewhere but if so, i'd have to admit that only 7 out of 929 'viewers' (since i started tracking the #s) thought enough of it to open the Conclusion.


----------

