# 11/12/11 Fall-In Scores



## moderan

Here, at long last, are the results from the "Fall-In" competition.
I have to say that this was one of the most successful contests we have ever had, with many entrants and as many good stories. Most were free from grammatical and typographical errors as well as having engaging narratives and/or narrators.
That said, here are your winners:

*Like A Fox* averaged a score of *18* to take the blue ribbon
*Anna Buttons* averaged *17.625* came away with second place
*JohnMG* averaged *17.5* for the brass medal

The totals (this includes permanently or temporarily banned members):

seyelint 13, 17, 15, 15=60              avg 15

Cadence 17, 14, 11, 17=59             avg 14.75

ClosetWriter 13, 15, 14, 17=59              14.75

Monkey Doctor 13, 14, 14, 12=53          13.25

 ChicagoHeart 14, 18, 16.5, 17=65.5       16.375 

 morc44u 15, 19, 18, 17=69                   17.25

Like A Fox 19, 16, 19, 18=72                 18

Candid Petunia 14, 15, 17,19=65            16.25

bazz cargo 14, 15, 16.5,19=64.5            16.125

egpenny 14, 15, 16,18=63                    15.75

Gamer_2k4 16, 17, 15, 17=65                16.25

gardening girl 14, 13, 13, 16=56             14

 Philosophocles 11, 14, 7, 19=51             12.75

Anna Buttons 19, 16, 16.5, 19=70.5       17.625    

BabaYaga 15, 17, 17, 18=67                 16.75

InsanityStrickenWriter 16, 19, 17, 17=69 17.25

JohnMG 14, 20, 18, 18=70                    17.5

Nacian 0,7,4, 15=26                              6.5


The next pages will include the judges' analyses and/or remarks.

Congratulations to everyone and kudos for the winners!


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## moderan

AvA-*SCORES*

seyelint
13/20

An interesting interpretation of the theme, but I felt that the ending lacked a sense of closure.


Cadence
17/20

I really like the style it was written it, the rich vocabulary and suitable similes. You made me sympathise with your character which is always a good thing.


ClosetWriter
13/20

Nicely written but I just can't see the connection between the start of the story and the end. 


Monkey Doctor
13/20

The wall of text made it slightly more difficult to read for me. It made it hard for me to fully appreciate this story. Good attempt though.


ChicagoHeart
14/20

Sweet and nicely written. Would have been more exciting for me as a reader if something more happened but I think that's just me.


morc44u
15/20

Brilliant concept, I must say. I really liked it, but I do feel that William's death came as a bit too forced.


Like a Fox
19/20

Great read! Read it all the way through without trouble. I felt emotional after reading this. Fantastic work.


candidpetunia
14/20

I felt that the story was a tad too ambiguous which made it hard for me to really connect with the story. It was well-written overall.


bazz cargo
14/20

Quirky in a good way, yet it felt aimless when it came to the plot. 


egpenny
14/20

Decently written and right up my alleyway of preferred genre. However, the story felt slightly rushed and a little too random. 


Gamer_2k4
16/20

Definitely like the concept you used. A good read overall.


Gardening Girl
14/20

It was written decently but for me it just didn't make me go 'wow!'.


Philosophocles
11/20

The format made me difficult to read and I was confused by the plot. Good effort, though.


Anna Buttons
19/20

You give life to your characters through your dialog, making them almost realistic and fun to read. Also, love your creativity. Well done!


BabaYaga
15/20

I thought it was really good overall. Just thought that the ending could have been explained a bit more.


InsanityStrickenWriter
16/20

Really enjoyed reading this. Great idea and the story followed smoothly till the end.


JohnMG
14/20

The pace of the story seemed slow for me. Might have been the description or the ambiguity. Still, it was written well.


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## moderan

KarlR -I’ll start again with my thanks for your letting me judge your work. It is, as always, an honor. I’m trying something a little different this time. Some of you will get an annotated copy of your essay with commentary that is individual and specific (and doesn’t necessarily apply to every writer, so it will remain private). I would encourage everyone to PM me if you’d like further discussion of your effort.

Overall, a good collection of solid writing here. As expected, there were a few standouts. There was also a gem in the pack, written by one clearly gifted essayist.
Kudos to one and all!

Autumn’s Magic by Gardening Girl Score: 13
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 4
Well written, but uninteresting. It reads like a writer’s exercise: Description for the sake of description; 640 words of practice. Again, the writing is good, there’s just not much story for a Fiction Competition.

Existence by Gamer_2k4 Score: 17
SPAG: 5 Tone: 5 Effect: 7
A nice take. 1[SUP]st[/SUP] person singular very effective. Starts to get repetitive after a bit—loses some punch. Some nice images.

The Stone Portal by egpenny Score: 15
SPAG: 4 Tone: 4 Effect: 7

Transitioning from despair to joy in 636 words is a tall order. I don’t think you quite pulled it off. The tone was consistent throughout and you created an interesting scene.


Nutters by bazz cargo Score: 15
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 6
Skewed as always, bazz. I hafta ding you for straying too far from the prompt. Where’s the stone arch? Took me a second read to get your dialogue pacing. Very effective.

The Woods by ChicagoHeart Score: 18
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 9
I liked this idea a lot. Fun presentation, nice change from the norm. Some of the writing gets clunky. One or two niggling inconsistencies.

After the Fall by candid petunia Score: 15
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 6
Very ambitious. There’s a lot of story you want to tell in just a few words. Coupled with your attempt to break the story into two or more lines of thought, you really set the bar high for yourself. To accomplish what you set out to do requires a good deal more word economy. You need to punch up the impact of every sentence and ensure that each sentence carries your though forward. Great effort—I look forward to seeing more from you.

Your Last Autumn by Like a Fox Score: 16
SPAG:5 Tone: 5 Effect: 6
Kath, Kath, Kath. You know better than to stray so far! As always, your prose is flawless. Your expression is dead on, your characters nimble and lively. Even so, you still have to follow the prompt!

Call Me Lucy by morc44u Score: 19
SPAG: 5 Tone: 5 Effect: 9
Some very strong imagery here. Nice reflection from ‘awoke’ to ‘awoke.’ ‘burning holes in his patience…’ Brilliant! Gutsy move using ‘engaged the enraged.’

Death Anxiety by Monkey Doctor Score: 14
SPAG: 4 Tone: 3 Effect: 7
A bit disjointed. Starts with 1[SUP]st[/SUP] person singular, moves to generic ‘people,’ swings to lover’s quote, eventually back to 1[SUP]st[/SUP] person singular. A narrower point of view would be more effective. ‘Hydraulic jacking’ is very jarring in an essay in and about nature. Some minor SPAG (comma, possessive apostrophe, spell ‘breathe’ correctly).

BitterSweet and Melody by Nacian Score: 7
SPAG: 2 Tone: 3 Effect: 2
One thing I like and admire about non-native English speakers is their ability to play with the language (think Regina Spektor, for those of you who’ve heard her music). Unfortunately, that playfulness can get extremely muddy and very quickly. That appears to have happened in this piece. Sadly the story is nearly unintelligible. Back to the upside, kudos for bravery! I certainly don’t have the courage to write in a foreign language for an audience of native speakers!

Untitled by ClosetWriter Score: 15
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 6
What happened on the first line? Were you done after ‘heaven?’ Some duplication of vocabulary on nearby lines—distracting. Aside is out-of-place. It fractures the flow of your story.


FALL by johnMG Score: 20
SPAG: 5 Tone: 5 Effect: 10
Want to learn how to write? Do what this guy does. He took one idea—melancholy—and wrote a story that evokes time, loss, memory and ache. No verbal gymnastics, no tricks. Just a single, focused idea fleshed-out with the delicate touch of a master. Beautiful.

Did God find these leaves on sale? by Cadence Score: 14
SPAG: 5 Tone: 4 Effect: 5
Pretty heavy-handed. Spend more time on the story you want to tell and less on the verbal paint.

Puzzled by seyelint Score: 17
SPAG: 4 Tone: 5 Effect: 8
Interesting story. I like the point-of-view telling.

Love, Hate, Dichotomy by Philosophocles Score: 14
SPAG: 4 Tone: 4 Effect: 6
A very ambitious attempt. 650 words is not enough to achieve the story you’re trying to tell. Use the word count to whittle this down to one or two ideas, then pack the essay with details that only move the story forward.

IT”S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, DEAR by Anna Buttons Score: 16
SPAG: 4 Tone: 4 Effect: 8
I like the crazy-person perspective. The whole world is out-of-kilter and that’s the norm…fun! Daisy needs to be more consistent. She steps out of character too often. Some wonderful imagery here.

A Different Kind of Magic by Baba Yaga Score: 17
SPAG: 4 Tone: 5 Effect: 8
So, you tell your story by telling the story around your story: Very well done. Could be tightened up for better focus and clarity, but what you’ve written is, by no means, bad. Watch the overuse of quotes—maybe use italics to break things up visually. Enjoyed it!

Standing Amidst Golden Trees by InsanityStrickenWriter Score: 19
SPAG: 5+ Tone: 5 Effect: 9
Thanks, ISW, for consistently making the reader feel as though they’re standing on one foot at the edge of a cliff. We never know what to expect—only that it’ll be different. Excellent use of punctuation in difficult monologue format. Never strayed out of character.


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## moderan

Bruno Spatola 


So many great entries; you're all winners of my heart. 

*Puzzled by Seyelint*

The fact you saw the picture as a puzzle made me grin. I think it's a very creative take on the prompt, and, overall, you did a good job with it. The dialogue is sparse but gives the story an amusing jolt, which works well – I couldn't help but snigger a little when one of the pieces announced, “You're violating my space”. It's something I wouldn't be surprised to hear one of the many inanimate objects to utter in _Alice in Wonderland _or_ Through the Looking Glass._

The key idea here is these puzzle pieces are self-aware, though, which is a fairly visual concept. I think more vivid descriptions would have hit that home, because you don't have the luxury of pretty drawings or animated characters being there to make things easier. I often struggled to get a good view of scenes in my head, which is a shame because I think the basic premise is unique. 

Nits:

“*Lawrence the puzzle piece, looked in despair.” – *The comma is unnecessary here.

“*Even all the dragon was gone.” – '*Even all the dragons were gone'.

“*His shifted to get more comfortable.” – *'He' shifted.

“*This puzzle was so mean.” – *I think this line would read better if it came before the previous one:

“_You are violating my space,” another warned. _

_This puzzle was so mean. __Lawrence__ squeezed his fibres in as best he could and wondered what to do._

“*. . . at just the right moment he pished back.” – *'Pushed'.

You had another three-hundred words at your disposal here, and it shows a little bit. There were another two weeks before the deadline that, at the speed your entry was posted, suggests you might have rushed it out of excitement – or, you're just not as lazy as me. It could have done with being longer, but I liked it, regardless.

The dialogue is my favourite part; more of that would have been swell, because you've got a real knack for it. 

It's a fun read I enjoyed a bunch, despite the niggles on the way. I think the story would come across well in an animated short. It has that quality to it which made me smile: charming and surreal with a dab of humour for good measure. 

Thanks for the read.

*15/20*


*Did God Find These Leaves on **Sale**? by Cadence*

Love the poetic direction here. The first paragraph has some wonderful, almost devilish lines in it, as if written whilst eating Ferrero Rocher. It conveys the personality of the main character immediately, which is impressive.

I'm not overly fond of the purple writing, though. I love the poetry-esque vibe as I said, but I think it's too thick, descriptively. Instead of being focused on this woman and why she's in the park, it mostly concentrates on the visual aspect: clothes, colours, and other pretty things. That flamboyance often blocked the story's path, for me, in such a way that caring for the woman and her situation proved taxing. 

There isn't that strong of a hook for the same reason. She waits for him, he doesn't turn up, and that's that, so I feel you could have taken more risks with the story.

It's a shame the core wasn't more personal, then, but I still enjoyed it.

Nits:

“*. . . slicing through the shadows like a sacrificial knife.” – *Why a sacrificial knife in particular? Sounds a bit specific to me.

“*. . . only to be trampled by running child and chasing parent, man and woman, beast and prey” – *“Only to be trampled by running children and chasing parents” would be correct. I'd cut “man and woman, beast and prey” – it doesn't add anything to the image, in my opinion. 

“*I selected a dead king from the floor. . .” – *Just to clarify, are you referring to leaves as kings because they're in the shape of crowns or. . . ? It's not obvious.
*
“The tears had stained my mascara. . .” – *Can tears stain mascara? Mascara is black and tears are colourless, so I'm not sure that works.

“*Another leaf crashed lightly to my feet.” – *'Lightly _at_ my feet', methinks. “Crashed lightly” is a bit of an oxymoron, too – the word 'crashed' brings to mind a massive clash of forces, which isn't how leaves behave when falling. Maybe “sailed lightly to my feet” would have the desired effect.

“. . . *but ever evolving as I clutched it firm.” – *'Clutched it _firmly_'. I'm not keen on “evolving”, but it's a decent line.*

“I walked away from that place, a bronzed leaf tucked into my chestnut hair. . .” – *It's too late in the story to mention the colour of a character's hair, I think. It completely changed my mental picture of the MC as I read the final line, which was kinda jarring.

There was plenty of time left before the deadline to tweak/assess your entry, and I think it needed some more of that. It comes across as unfinished, which is amplified by the lack of a clear-cut theme, but there's definite promise. I liked it, that's the important thing. 

Thanks for the read.

*11/20*


*Untitled by ClosetWriter*

Some nice images in this; I was desperate for some rabbit stew afterwards. I wish I wasn't a vegetarian now, dang it. Thanks for making me question the moral values I hold dear – that's usually a sign that a story's good.

It starts off rather tamely, though: there's someone walking in a forest. He ventures into an area he's never seen before (I'm getting interested). Deeper and deeper, fear of the unknown settling in (what's he going to find?). It's a stone wall/doorway, slap bang in the middle of nowhere (that's a bit weird). Next thing I know, he's built a house. 

For me, that's not as smooth a transition as it could be. He must have been thinking something before-hand to do something so capriciously. 

I don't know why he's in the forest, either. Did he have a row with his girlfriend and go for a long walk to cool off? Does he take a short-cut through it on the way to work? An explanation for both would set the scene sooner, making the ones that follow feel less alien.

I'm not having a go, it's disorientating is all. I think if it's cleaned up a little and the story/intentions of your main character are touched upon further, it's a wonderful tale of discovery, determination and escapism, all of which I picked up on. 

Or something else entirely: Maybe the house was possessed and tricked the MC into rebuilding it, to trap the souls of curious visitors; perhaps the house was nearly destroyed by the previous owner for that reason, and transformed him into a crow before he could bring down the final wall – the very same crow which seemed to warn your character near the end. Twist!

You could have gotten a bit more out of this stone wall; that's the true main character, in my eyes. There's nothing unusual about it in your piece, it merely happens to exist. At 406 words, there was room.

Nits:
“*I had just finished splitting firewood, and carried in enough to keep us warm until morning.” – *The sudden use of “us” threw me off here. When did this other person come into the story? 

“ *I could smell the rabbit stew cooking in the black-kettle that hung over the fire in the fireplace.” – *Over-described this a bit. “That hung over the fire” is too much, I feel. The dash can be cut, too. '_I could smell the rabbit stew cooking in the black kettle that hung over the fireplace_'. 

“*We had laid claim to this property, and built our home out of the stones that we gathered near the stream at the bottom of the hill.” – *I'm stumped about “we” and “our”. *

“It seemed to be telling me that I needed to leave, and that I did not belong here.”* – What gave your character this impression? Was there a distinct veracity to its scream that seemed to give warning? A little more detail would boost the immersion.

“*I took a few photographs then turned, and walked away*.” – I thought he'd formed a spiritual bond with this place. “I took a few photographs then turned, and walked away” doesn't get that across. For me, it needs that underlying sentimentality for the reader to empathise.

“*You are wrong Mr. Crow; I did belong there.”* – This sounds too playful to me. “You're wrong, beast” or “cursed bird” could be more apt. You're onto something here, though. All things considered, this is excellent for a first entry.

Thanks for the read.

*14/20*


*Death Anxiety by Monkey Doctor*

Aptly named. 'Death anxiety' is exactly what I got from this piece, delivered in a strong and personal way.

I did have some trouble getting through it the first time. It's rather verbose, in such a way that I don't know what the crux of the story is. It doesn't read like the average tale, as in a beginning, a middle, and an end; it just feels like beginning and end, if that makes sense. 

“*The season of crystalline beauty splattered with the frozen blood of hope.” – *There are a few parts like this where I feel clarity is blurred by slightly vague – beautiful, but vague – wording. 

“*Desperate and futile as no words of hope, no affirmations of life can silence the voice of death anxiety that autumn fills every living creatures little brain and heart.” – *Is there a missing word after “heart” here? 'With', maybe? 

“Little” sticks out. Not all creatures' brains and hearts are little. Apostrophe in “creature's”. 

“*A leaf falls on a lovers head and she says “oh how beautiful the air is filled with treasured gems of palette brown, gold, red and amber. Black and blue it makes my eyes, deep purple it makes my heart. What luck that I chose to be walking here when the oak threw down its little messenger of reincarnation right before my very feet”.” – *I think this could be simpler; some of the adjectives are clogging it up. You can create the same effect in fewer words, giving you more room elsewhere. Apostrophe in “lover's head”.

“*He snorts a little snort, wondering if he had made the right choice.” – *Who's this “he”? He isn't introduced, unless I missed it.

“*. . . pulling them down into his stomach to digest his very last breath before he blinks the everlasting blink.” – *Blinking is closing the eyes and opening them again quickly, so I'm not sure “everlasting blink” works. 

“*Fall may be more accurate. Plunge, descent.” – *Loved this. Another synonym may enhance its gloom. 'Fall may be more accurate: to plunge, collapse, descend.' Great line. Has a satisfying finality to it.

“*I used to think lovers were the biggest cliché merchants with their where for’s and flowery what not’s.” – *The apostrophes aren't necessary. Also, you've said 'cliché' twice and 'clichéd' once already. My brain gets distracted when it notices repeated words or variants of them in short spaces of time. Petty, but it stuck out.

“*Lovers are the pundits of spring .**. Who is it that revels in the glory of death? Whose ego hydraulically jacks their heart through their brain? Oh what joyous serenade of death we must celebrate with every atom and quark in the universe. Revel not in your love of life for it is over. Revel now in the frozen blood of the elders. Now and only now you may face the death that lies within. Contemplate the future only in terms of inhaling. Every breath that leaves the body takes with it more than you can dare to contemplate losing. Hold it. Don’t let it out for when you do you might not let another in. Better to die with a lung full of fetid air than to die empty. Such is the charm of autumn. Through then we must travel. We cannot stay here. What chariot waits through yonder passage? A box with a lid? A carrot on a stick? What echo of the dwelling shall I find when I look within? No fires burn in this hearth, just an icy wind penetrates. Someone left the door open and now it is your turn.** . .” – *I think you crammed too much in this paragraph, it's cluttered. A couple of distinct ideas can be more effective than five or six little ones bundled together.

This is the brick that catches my attention in that word-wall: “Every breath that leaves the body takes with it more than you can dare to contemplate losing. Hold it. Don’t let it out for when you do you might not let another in. Better to die with a lung full of fetid air than to die empty.”

That one, lovely line says it all – the rest can be diluted and trimmed to free up some space. Sometimes you can unknowingly overwrite a story, tangling it up in its own elaborateness. 

I got the feelings of anxiety your character has towards death and autumn. I think they could be conveyed in a simpler way that reads at a faster pace, but they were certainly loud and honest. 

Thanks for the read.

*14/20*


*After the Fall by Candid Petunia*

Your fluent way with words had me hooked. Some stories I've read in the past with that style have gone completely overboard, slapping on layers and layers of flowery hokum till they collapsed in on themselves. Your effort is, admirably, much more understated. It _sounded_ like it was going to be a clichéd, syrupy, dull piece of writing at first glance. It wasn't. 

The story is pretty good. It's about a girl who constantly has dreams where she's falling (the movie _Sunshine_ uses these to great effect), which we've all probably experienced at some point. I feel you could have depicted the stress and exhilaration of them more, though; that should have been the kernel. I found trying to explicate the dreams a bit tough, so more info on the girl, her nightmares and their origins would fill that small void and give it a more adventurous feel. I still like it.

The future-telling photograph captured my imagination, and some of the imagery alone made it worth reading multiple times, which I did. The interpretation of “fall in” as 'falling' is a nice touch as well, if it's intentional.

Nits:

“*When she had found the picture, it was hazy, like it couldn’t decide what to be.” – *Lovely.

“*But it had felt real somehow, so alive, and the girl had felt an immediate connection towards it. She had discovered later that everyone in the town had photographs which depicted what was to be in their lives. It was part of the magic in their world.” – *Intriguing back-story. I'd cut a couple of “had”s, though. One or two is enough to inform/remind it's in past perfect tense. Too much exposure to the past can make the reader feel excluded, I think. Just a suggestion, not a correction.

“*But inevitably, the ones who do so are the ones who are going to regret later in life.”* – Regret 'it' later in life.

“*But pondering over it, when someone is falling that’s only happening for two reasons. Either they’re going to hit the bottom real hard and that’s the end of everything.” – *Hitting the bottom isn't a “reason” for someone falling, it's a result of falling, so I think that could be worded better.*

“Following the fall, I’m going to spring a beautiful pair of wings.” – *Works better without the emphasis on spring, methinks. 

It could've done with more meat on the bone: detailed dream sequences, a more pronounced theme to strengthen its hypnotic aroma, etc. There's occasional hints of odd wording, but punctuation is top-notch. 

Elegant work, I must stay – potentially first-place material, in my opinion. I hope you're planning to work it into a short story or somethin'. I'd pay good money for that. 

Nice job, CP. You're a natural. 

*17/20*


*Bittersweet and Melody by Nacian*

I like the direction you took this in. You seem to try and inject positivity into everyone and everything, which is refreshing. I felt that warmth from start to finish but, sadly, it wasn't enough to defeat the grammar gremlins that crept up throughout. 

You seem to like playing with words a lot: Rainbow = Mr. Rain and Mrs. Bow, hedgehog = a hedge and a hog, etc. I enjoyed that side of it. 

One thing I'm unsure of, though: Bitter wants to be sweet and Melody needs to dance, so what's stopping them? It's a conflict without conflict, which doesn't make for the most interesting reading.

I'm afraid I couldn't understand the story, Nacian, so I've highlighted a few technical things.

“*No!!!! Not that that hedgehog!!!”* – No need for multiple exclamation marks, one is enough.

“*. . . whilst shedding thoughts over their fates.”* – '_Sharing_'.

*“Boff!!!”* – I'm assuming this is a noise but it's not explained in any way. The reader needs to be filled in on such things. 

“*. . . churking and still disagreeing. . .”* – Is 'churking' a word?

*“. . . whilst they were still having their go at sweetened and danced.”* – 'Sweetness and dancing'. 

*“What a giftgab of a day!!”* – What's a “giftgab”? 

There were many more errors, but I get the feeling English isn't your mother tongue; it must be incredibly tough to write fiction in another language, if that's the case. I still think you could have worked on this piece more before submitting, though, just to make sure it was the best it could be.

Thanks for the read.

*4/20*


*Nutters by Bazz Cargo*

I liked this one a lot. It's sweet, funny, and a joy to read thanks to flowing, witty dialogue. Applying an element of humanism to the squirrels worked well. 

One thing I admire is the simplicity in your descriptions which conveys images effortlessly at times. I never had to backtrack once. 

Example: *“Very funny.” He jumped the last few feet and landed in a leaf explosion.*

That description doesn't need to be any longer or more explicit. You could have embellished it with colours and sounds, but you didn't, and I like that. It's satisfying to get such a distinct image from so few words. Simples.

I also burst out laughing at the mental video of this squirrel, leaping into some leaves like a kid on Vimto. Thanks for that.

The only problem I have is the length; it's a tad short, for me. I liked spending time in this little slice of squirrel life. I wanted to hear more of their musings, like what they thought about the local cat or the owners of Grand Paw; I wanted to follow Trouble on his journey to the “weird trees”. It could've done with a little extra. You had another 240 words to burn, after all.

Nits:

“*There was a lovely pair of Great tits dancing about one of them yesterday.” – *_Seriously? _You swine.

“*Hey, careful, your disturbing my piles.” – '*You're'.

*“Iz that you Spin?” – *Is this a style thing?

“*What do you want to do, tell me about the Nut Lore?” – *Why is this capitalized, Mr. Cargo? Is _The Nut Lore_ one of their ancient squirrel scrolls? If so . . . awesome. 

*“No, you've heard me so often, I spect you could tell me better than I could tell you.” – *More of a preference, but I find it looks better with an apostrophe: “I 'spect you could. . .”, “I 'spose you think that's funny?”

“*. . . there was a forest of hazel nut trees.” – *I'd bring those two together. 'Hazelnut trees'.

*“Come out side and see the sunset.” – *'Outside', methinks.

“*His voice dopplered away.” – *Is 'dopplered' a word ?

Could have been cleaner, but it's not bad at all. 

Not the usual thing I'd pick up and read, but the characters and their senses of humour kept me involved. 

“*Squirrel droppings.” – *Afitting end to a good entry. Cheers for the read. 

*16.5/20*


*The Stone Portal by Egpenny*

A well written story – one of my favourites. The wonder of the unknown is a powerful thing, and you use it effectively. The mystical party Sam glimpses through the portal especially intrigued me thanks to some vivid descriptions. I too wished to be with these strange folk, dancing and laughing and singing; it reminded me of the Narnian creatures celebrating over the return of Aslan in _Prince Caspian. _That's a complement.

I'm loving the contrast between entries: some have interpreted the autumnal theme into cold, hopeless tales; and others like yourself have gone for brief glimpses of heaven. Some went with the talking squirrels classic. On second thought, you're all mental.

I wasn't expecting such a jovial tale based on the emotionally shaky intro (life in shambles, the gun, etc.), so it was a pleasant surprise when that escapism started creeping in. Not much else happens, really – it isn't the craziest story ever, but it doesn't need to be.

Nits: 

“*He walked the trail, waiting for just the right place to come.” – *Could be clearer, I'm unsure of the meaning. 

“*Normally he liked the fall, the weather was mild, summer's heat was gone and winter's chill had yet to show its face.” – *Full stop after “fall” I think.

“*Sam stopped to study this thing.” – *That sounds informal compared to the rest of the story, which sticks out. Small issue.

“*There were no walls to breech . . . ” – '*Breach'.*

“He approached the stones and laid his hands against them, they felt warm” – *Something stronger than a comma would work better here. An em-dash, maybe, or just a period.

“*He saw a woman twirling around, laughing as her red skirts swirled around her ankles. Sam felt a yearning to be there with her, dancing and laughing, but he knew what he saw wasn't real.” –* Immersive images, nice work.*

“. . . he knew he's fail and stumble.” – '*He'd'.*

“The woman in red looked his way and smiled as though she could see him, she beckoned to him. . .” – *Full stop after “as though she could see him”.

“*Suddenly a wild boar rushed into the circle, snorting and whipping his body around, tossing his head and threatening everyone with his ivory tusks. The music clashed to a halt and everybody fled the circle, leaving the boar to stand, snorting and trembling, rage filling his tiny eyes. The woman in red came back and spoke to the animal, lifting and moving her hands in delicate motions and the boar melted away into thin air.” – *This whole paragraph's excellent. Delicious wording. *

“The dancers and musicians came back, but the laughter was gone, there was no music played, it was over.” – '*Playing'. A full stop after “played” is smoother, too.

“*. . . and her skirt swirled red around her ankles.” – *This is more or less identical to a previous description of the woman dancing. If it's intentional, I apologise. 

“*He walked through the stone portal and thought he heard a faint hint of pipes and drums, he stopped to listen . . .” – *Full stop after “drums”.

“*He looked at the ivy in his hand and his spirits lifted, he smiled and then he laughed, spinning around on the path with joy. Still smiling, he walked away down the trail.” – *Hmm, I expected something more from the ending. What about the gun in his pocket and his life that's in shambles? Has this experience changed his outlook on life? The initial conflict trails off into nothing.

Him throwing the gun into a river could tie up that loose end whilst retaining an element of hope for the future.

Well, that's that. There were a few errors but none major. 

Nice!

*16/20*


*Call Me Lucy by Morc44u*

Easily one of the best. 'Tis simply about a guy who finally loses it with his job, the weather, his neighbours – everything_._ He just had enough. I understood his anger and even empathised with him, despite his unbelievably rash (hilarious) behaviour and ultimate meltdown (freedom). 

William is the reason it works so well. He's one of those drunken curmudgeons you can't help but like, no matter how sociopathic they are. His hellish end is appropriate – he clearly didn't belong on Earth, anyway. I can easily imagine him in his own TV show as the Devil's caretaker or something. Well, I'd watch it. . . . 

You don't do anything fancy with the wording for the sake of it, either. Just simple, focused storytelling that ticks all the boxes. Grammar and punctuation are both sound as a pound.

Nits:

“*. . . upon a cold linoleum mattress covered in a thin sheet of spilled beer.” – *I'm not sure about this. Is there such a thing as a “sheet” of liquid? It sounds weird.*

“He threw his hands into the air and bellowed a torrent of profanity that shook more leaves from their branches.” – *Love this line, but I'm not certain of “bellowed a torrent”. “Let loose a torrent” or “summoned a torrent” is less odd, to me. *

“'Go to Hell, grandma!' shouted William.” – *Haha. Billy Bob Thornton or Bill Murray for the William movie?

“*Its wooden handle left jagged splinters in his palm. It was fifteen inches shorter than it should have been, causing him to toil entire afternoons hunched over with a throbbing back.” *– Why doesn't he just wear gloves or buy a longer rake? Don't tell me he was already in Hell the whole time.

“*William Hutchins awoke curled up with a rake upon a cold bed leaves” – *Cold bed 'of ' leaves.*

“. . . upon which was a Latin inscription mentioning something about the loss of hope.” *– I love how nonchalant this sounds. That would terrify me.

Polished work indeed, Morc; neat and accessible, just as I like it. The ending doesn't quite feel complete, but that's rectifiable. 

Lovably petulant main character + interesting story with a humorous thread + solid writing = darn good work.

*18/20*


*The Woods by ChicagoHeart*

Sweet little story. It remins me of my own secret place I had when I was a wee lad: a grassy haven atop the brick wall in the square outside my old house. I used to play with my buds there all the time, so thanks for letting me relive those cherished memories.

Plot-wise, I don't think you have to change much at all, but here are some nits:

“*. . . pretending to be anything from a giant to a gnome once I gained entrance. . .” – *I like this line, but the range of fantasies doesn't quite sum up a kid's imagination, for me. 'Pretending to be anything from a tyrannosaurus rex to a blood-thirsty giant' could be more likely, I don't know. It's a bit tame is all, which brings me to something I'm unsure of: How old is the main character?

It's written from his perspective but sounds adult. I stopped playing hide and seek when I was ten-years-old; I thought 'whimsical' was where the Queen lived at that age, so some of the language is oddly mature at times, which took getting used to. It might benefit from a simpler narrative.

The part where he nostalgically recalls the stone wall and its place in his life is touching. I think a _little_ more of that would be perfect – then again, how much can someone reminisce whilst being hunted by excited children? Still, it was a tentative moment that got cut short prematurely, for me, but I'm a sentimental wuss. 

The last section is the best part. Paced well, structured nicely and plain stimulating; you capture the thrill of the game faithfully. I love how what started off as a tense story descends into a harmless game – I didn't see that coming from the first few paragraphs. I expected a shoot-out or something to unfold. It's always pleasant to have your expectations thrown back at you.

One thing I did notice in the final chunk: 

“*I bolted upright. . .”*

“*. . . sensing this was the chance to bolt from their secret spots. . .”*

The second “bolt” loses some of its energy because of how close they are. Repetition can often do that, I think.

Grammatically flawless. I couldn't find any punctuational errors, either. Great job on a great entry. 

Thanks for the read.

*16.5/20*


*Your Last Autumn by Like a Fox*

Once again, I find myself cold, quiet, and deep in thought after reading your work. It's hard to say if I'm pleased it's so evocative or not, because it's also emotionally draining – at least, it was for me.

Stories such as this force me to ponder my time here. I had a strong affinity with it after the first line, so you set the mood very early on and grabbed me by the dungarees, which is always good. It's not cryptic or florid or complicated, just honest and from the heart. 

It appears the word limit hasn't affected the quality of writing, but I'd expect nothing less from you. It's clean, set at a perfect tempo, heart-breakingly thoughtful and worthy of a place in the top three without doubt. 

I said I wouldn't cry. I guess that makes me a liar as well as a pansy. 

Lovely work. Nothing more to say. 

Thank you.

*19/20*


*Existence by Gamer_2k4*

I love that this once-needed arch has been left to die and gather moss, like a crippled war veteran who's become nothing but the local kook, or a beloved ragdoll that's been shelved. “_All those moments will be lost in time . . . like tears in rain._” That side of it is strong, sweet, and poignant.

The thing is, a lot of it's made up of the stone archway saying how senseless and desolate its existence has become, which is monotonous and just encumbers it, for me. Being from the perspective of a lump of architecture often made the story feel equally as cold and static. I found it hard to concentrate on or care about at times. 

“*I am alone.”*

“*I am the last thing standing here.”*

“*I am useless.”*

“*Now my existence is pointless.”*

“*I'm a minor obstruction.”*

I understand if you were reiterating the same key elements (loneliness, pointlessness, resilience) to magnify the hopeful ending, but the energy was sucked out as a result, and I found myself losing interest after each paragraph. That robbed the ending of any pay-off it might have had, for me. 

If the archway was on its death bed, so to speak, recalling all it's seen – the landscape evolve, friends and lovers part ways, stars ignite and snuff themselves out again in the blink of an eon – before becoming “dust in the wind”, I may have felt differently. A more optimistic tone would have grabbed my interest. There's talk of the hope it has and its “fight”, but why it's bothering is lost. A clearer premise would help that significantly, I think. 

Still, I can't knock your approach; it's not like the other entries at all. In many ways it's the most creative and unique of the lot. Different is always good,and your effort certainly sticks out. I commend you for thinking outside the box. 

It doesn't break any boundaries, stylistically; there's some decent imagery in there, albeit expressed rather matter-of-factly (it's made of stone, after all). Technically speaking, the writing is faultless and professional through and through. Full marks for spelling and grammar.

With a more sentimental spine, it would easily have been my favourite entry. You obviously know how to write good fiction, and I look forward to reading something with your name attached to it that knocks me on my backside wearing a silly grin. I have a feeling it won't be long.

I'll understand if a red dot appears on my forehead within an hour of you reading this.

Thanks for the read.

*15/20*


*Autumn’s Magic by Gardening Girl*

A lovely idea here, full of positivity, purity and wonder. Your character's feelings are sweet and absolute – I never questioned her felicity at all. It's nice to follow such a happy person for a change; it's impossible not to let it rub off on you. 

There are a few things I find irksome. Mainly, I feel the descriptions aren't detailed enough. A lot of them are made up of the main character saying how beautiful and perfect and tranquil and magical this place is, yet never successfully specifying what makes it so. There's mention of a doorway, a stone bench and some leaves mixed in with the odd burst of colour, which is about all I got on this journey. I couldn't help but feel left in the dark in places. 

There are too many unresolved questions, too. The main character wakes up in this place, explores it a little and then, at the end, discovers it's disappeared. You did well to get so much into such a small format, but the word cap appears to have hampered your ideas.

Nits:

“*From this vantage point, I sit drinking in the environment*; *a feeling that has activated all of my senses which are now on high, but calm, alert.”*

“*I close my eyes for a minute, soaking in the immense beauty surrounding me, which only seems to heighten my senses.” – *These lines sound too similar to eachother. “Drinking in the environment” and “soaking in the immense beauty surrounding me” – in my eyes – mean the same thing. “A feeling that has activated all of my senses” and “which only seems to heighten my senses” aren't far off, either. Looking at it more, I don't think you need the second line. 

“*It is a quiet, unhurried, peaceful place; a haven that we all need to discover at some point in our lives. Perhaps it is a magical place that I have happened upon, that for just a few seconds is mine, or so it seems.” – *This all sounds good, but I'm not visualising it clearly. I don't expect a rich, fantastical world condensed into 650 words, just some more detailed info. Simply telling me it's "a haven that we all need to discover” isn't that stimulating. I want to feel it for myself, not be informed of its presence. A few strategic cuts might have made room to open the world up a bit. It feels cordoned off without that detailed wording there to hide the invisible walls. 

“*The neatly stacked, large, round smooth rocks used to create the archway have been positioned into place by a careful, skilled hand.”* – You described too much in one go here. Perhaps something like this would make it more succinct: “The large, smooth rocks used to create the archway were clearly placed by a skilled hand. Something so perfect couldn't have been built without the love of a most careful architect.” 

Poor example, sorry, but it describes the same features in a more balanced way. 

“*. . . held together with a mortar of thick, dark green, moss which. . .”* – I'd cut the comma after “green”. 

“*The stubby grass blades underfoot soften my step.” – *I'd lose “underfoot”. “Soften my step” makes it clear enough.

*“I stand looking around for a while, feeling puzzled but not panicked; a serene quietude enveloping my space.”* – I found this a rather unremarkable ending. Anything's better than, “And then I woke up”, but I think something of more significance would round it off with a flourish. Maybe that moment of unadulterated serenity your character felt in this utopia deems her worthy of the secret it holds, granting whatever she most desires or something. 

Still, I think the idea was cool and deserves to be carried over into a larger project and explored further. The world could truly come to life with another five-hundred words behind it, and I believe you're capable of that from what I've read.

It's a story with a distinct feeling of blissful naivete that set its apart from the usual fare. The grammar was excellent, too. 

Thanks for the read.

*13/20*


*Love, Hate, Dichotomy by Philosophocles *

The part where Karen sees the seedy-looking guy hanging around the church is cool. That was the main event, and it intrigued me a great deal. Some of your descriptions of the little girl are well-realised, too. I got a clear picture of her throughout.

The thing is, it looks like you wrote a decent story, then were forced to attack it with pruning shears to get the word-count down to 650. 

It starts off with a woman attending church with her husband – who she pretty much detests with every atom of her existence, for some reason – and daughter, clearly unhappy in life. She goes outside, throws some leaves, sees a mysterious man who calls her name (decking a pastor in the process), and finally walks off with no explanation of the altercation at all. 

To me, that's not the most cohesive story; that's a series of events with no obvious thread to them. If I have difficulty understanding the premise, then I can't empathise with the character or her conflicted emotions. Because of these things it feels disjointed and incomplete.

The building blocks of a great story are all present, don't get me wrong. They're a bit underdeveloped, that's all. At 649 words, it appears you had no more room at all to smooth over the cracks.

Nits: 

“*Karen hoped one of the birds that nested up on the crossbeams would drop shit right on his forehead.” – *I don't like “would _drop_ shit”. That sounds like there are mischievous birds in the rafters holding bags of crap, waiting for a lovely bald head to target.

“*Stacy crossed her arms over little chest . . .” – *Over 'her' little chest. 

“*Come on you two. We’re about to go the lake. Let’s go.” – *There's something missing in the dialogue; it sounds robotic to me.
“*God finally told you to move did he? Well, it’s a start.” – *I find “Well, it's a start” confusing. A start towards what?

“*Harry looked back at her and smiled. She could barely hide her disgust.” – *Why on Earth she's married to a person she holds in such contempt is beyond me. Another casualty of the word-count, I fear. It's never made clear.

“*Red, russet, orange, and yellow leaves painted the forest floor. . .” – *This is quite tame. 

“*Karen thought it looked like a picture from some nature magazine come alive.” – *A rather clichéd line, I think.

“*Karen **quickly snatched** up a handful and dropped them over her daughter’s head. Stacy’s mouth dropped open in amazement as the leaves washed over her.” – *Would just a handful of leaves “wash” over you? I think it would work better if Karen scooped up a big pile with both arms.

Also, “snatched” combines movement and speed, making “quickly” superfluous. 

*'“Who-sorry, I-” she stopped speaking.” – *I don't think you needed to state this; it's clear she's stopped talking. “She froze” or something would emphasise the sudden stop without spelling it out.

“*He had seen her and was coming up the path. **He was calling her name. – *It's clear in the next line that he's calling her name. *'Karen! Karen, it’s me!” He shouted.'*

“*. . . knocking him into a group of trees.” – *I'm unsure of “a group of trees”. How could you manage hitting more than one tree simultaneously. More detail would clear it up, I'm sure.
*
“Who the heck is this guy?” Harry said angrily. “Sharon, honey, call the police. This is completely ridiculous.” – *He doesn't sound angry to me.

*' “Sharon? Sharon!” ' – *Who's talking? Who's Sharon?

It required more work, I think. Deeper character development, stronger dialogue, and a more lucid theme. The guy waiting outside for Karen sounded like an abusive ex-boyfriend or something, which was interesting, but also never explained. It reads like short-story material in flash format at the moment, which kinda squeezes the life out of it. 

It undoubtedly has the potential to make a fantastic bit of short fiction if some or all of those questions are answered. Had the competition's word cap been, say, 1000, this would've shined brightly, I bet.

Thanks for the read. 

*7/20*


*IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, DEAR by Anna Buttons*
Interesting. I didn't expect a story like this from the prompt you were allocated. The patient/doctor one-on-one story is arousing when handled well, and handled well it was, albeit somewhat stationary. You've made quite a name for yourself in these challenges, and this piece highlights why. 

Still, it's more like a story _featuring_ the image and not based around it, which is a slight disappointment. You could have written anything you liked and just thrown in a section with a doorway in the autumn – or whatever was in the winning picture – to make it fit the theme.

I wouldn't say you played it safe or anything, but it's not as apposite as I'd expect. Other entries did similar things; however, I noticed it more in this one. You're entitled to interpret it however you wish, so I won't harp on about it. In fact, I'm secretly pleased you strayed away from the “magic portal” classic.

The only other thing I'm not loving is Daisy. She's a tad psychotic, and intentionally so. The fact she hadn't been swallowing her medication is obvious and depicted well. The ceaseless nattering became bothersome, that's all; my left eye began twitching at one point. Nevertheless, I do like her, really.

Nits:

“*. . . stretching the fingers towards the sun at inappropriate moments and running the feet around on crazy adventures.” – *Beautiful line, but “crazy adventures” sounds weak to me. 

“ *. . . everyone knows shrinks eventually go nuts.” – *Do they? Is this just Daisy rambling?
“*You wouldn’t want to meet your destiny looking like someone the Krishnas would invite in for a feed!” – *Haha, true.*

“They would gush out my eyes and turn the autumn into a salty sea.” – *It's hard to tell what's the result of Daisy's eccentricity. Can you turn a season into a sea? Maybe something like “turning autumn's leaves into a salty sea” would make more sense . . . but perhaps not making complete sense is the point.

“*Daisy, I think it’s very important you swallow your medication.” – *Love the contrast of the doctor's calm demeanor against Daisy's hyperactivity. 
It wasn't the easiest read for me. Maybe if it was longer and not as dialogue-heavy there'd be room for me to breathe – closer to _Pong_ than _Pac-man, _you know? Too much at one time overloads my cerebral cortex. I'd be tempted to dial down Daisy's personality (remove some exclamation marks) as well.

All in all, I enjoyed it. It could have had more finesse here and there, but I enjoyed it.

Another trophy for your cabinet, milady. This stood out in the crowd.

*16.5/20*


*A Different Kind of Magic by BabaYaga*

Where did you pull this out of? I'd never have guessed something of this nature would appear from looking at that autumnal slice of loveliness. Most would have done a magical doorway story, but no, someone had to go and make it all weird. I'm glad it was you, though. 

This reads like two different stories to me: a tale of a girl dealing with the loss of her friend and her killer's imminent release, and the tale of a real-life witch seeking vengeancefor that same loss. Both appeal to me very much, yet I can't help feeling they aren't totally consistent with eachother at times, as I touch upon later.

Nits:

“*. . . have since narrowed that glorious vastness of forest to little more than a large park. . .” – *“Glorious vastness” doesn't sound right when I say it aloud. “Expanse” or something might work better. 

“*. . . it looks little more than a sad ruin, a small, an insignificant chunk of something. . .” – *There's a word missing here, or one too many.

“*There was that straw doll we made of Andrea Day. The one we threw down the stairs after she stole my lunch and called you a ‘slut’? She fell off a horse and broke her arm a week later. We secretly celebrated, but wondered why her neck remained unharmed when that had so clearly been our target.” – *My favourite part – funny and believable, although it's difficult to tell if that's intentional. It reminded me of _The Craft_.*

“Speaking of sacrifices, he’ll get out this Tuesday, that man, the one who postponed my adulthood and put a permanent end to yours. He’ll be free of the bars, the walls of cement and the miles that have confined him. That have protected him. I’ll be out too, out by our castle, and I’m going to cast a spell on him for you. One of my new spells.” – *I'd cut “One of my new spells”. It's kinda corny (no offence). I might even be inclined to remove, “And I'm going to cast a spell on him for you” and “Speaking of sacrifices” as well. It turns a touching story into a weird, black-magic-revenge . . . thing.

When your character talks of the magic they dabbled with in school, it doesn't sound like she thought they _really_ made Andrea fall off a horse or boys fall in love with them – *“None of them worked”* – so I'm confused by the ending. Maybe it's because the next paragraph has no mention of magic at all and made me think it was going in a different direction. It feels like you deliberately left out a couple details for effect. Even when she says, “There's no doubt about who the evil witch is now”, I never took it literally. Not the most lucid wording, for me . . . but I _am_ an idiot. 

Anyway, that's my one and only issue. All that matters is I loved the idea; the writing is too good to dwell on a minor quibble. The majority is a thoughtful, perfectly paced piece that had me totally hooked. I don't think it's an overstatement to say you're one of the best writers on the site, and that shines through here. Grammatically and punctuationally, it was close to error-free. 

A dream to read through, BabaYaga. 

Thanks for the read. Please don't curse and/or eat me.

*17/20*


*Standing Amidst Golden Trees by InsanityStrickenWriter*
Sweet, thoughtful, and quirky, with humorous packages along the way. I'm just going to copy and paste that whenever I comment on a story of yours, because it's consistently been true. I hope you never lose that style. Serious writing can be a drag to sift through, sometimes, but there's always an entry from you or Bazz there to mix things around – comic relief, I guess. Keep it up. 

The thing I'm most impressed with is that you made me care about a lump of stone. You breathed life into what should have been dull as dishwater – I never once thought, “A heap of material with a conscience? Ridiculous”. You've just done a great job with it; its believability doesn't even come under scrutiny. I accepted it for what it was and had a bit of fun. 

Nits: 

“*. . . leaves aflutter in the breeze, **was... an old archway; which really. . .” – *Unsure of the ellipsis here, or the semi-colon. Reads less jerkily without 'em, in my opinion. The ellipsis looks like it's for comedic effect – increasing the anticipation for something completely un-amazing – but the semi-colon . . . I dunno. 

“*But they had come out of her, so there could be no debate that they were hers, really.” – *Her ignorance is nothing but endearing. I never thought I'd feel for an arch, but there we are. *

“. . . from their secret recipes for mushroom soup, (she didn’t quite get the purpose of eating). . .” – *No commas before parentheses. 

“*. . . to their miserable love-lives**, (**better off without, she thought. She’d managed to give birth to children perfectly fine without a male archway anyway). – *That last part doesn't really need to be in brackets. Would read better without them, I think.*

“They were small things; her children.” – *Hmm, I'd lose the semi-colon.

“*She imagined their archway would’ve been devastated.” – *Haha, clever. 

There's some weak wording. “Really” and “though” cropped up a lot:

“*. . . which really ought to have. . .”*

“*They didn’t though, unfortunately.”*

“*She had the children though.”*

“*. . . so there could be no debate that they were hers, really.”*

“*. . . no choice but to eavesdrop **really**...”*

“*It was difficult to pick up their voices **though**. . .”*

“*If she was hearing right **though**...”*

“*They were just being little scamps, **really**.”*
*
“Her children kept doing wrong though. . .”*

“*They didn’t seem to pay her much attention **though**.”*

I don't doubt it's intentional, to focus on the arch's ditziness, but it annoyed me. Other than that, grammar was stellar. A couple punctuational blips on the radar as well, but nothing worth docking points for. Four out of five overall. 

Fun, solid writing worthy of multiple visits.

Thanks for the read.

*17/20*


*FALL by JohnMG*

This is definitely in my top three. It reads at a steady, comfortable pace and features simple, effective language free from self-indulgent, word-guzzling tangents.

Your main character remains interesting throughout, even though you never fully get to know him. The difficulty he has adjusting to life without this girl – whatever happened to her – is pure and tangible. You left in the right amount of unanswered questions without drenching it in ambiguity. 

A hint as to what became of the girl would arguably give it a more satisfying conclusion, but allowing the reader to fill in their own ideas about a character's fate/departure is always fun. 

Nits:

“*He liked to fish there sometimes, when the weather was nice. And it was there she often wrote her stories.” – *Hmm. . . . “She'd often write her stories there” could be better, I don't know. 

“*. . . she said, and the boughs moving with the wind. Reminded her. . .” – *The full stop after “wind” is a little strong.

“*She would have disliked it. Smiled in her own playful way and then insisted he change it back.” – *Same, I think the full stop after “disliked it” is too strong. Not dead-end-on-a-water-slide strong, but strong. 

“*His gaze shifted from the window and the blue, aching sky. . .” – *I'm not sure about “aching sky”. Sounds a bit 'Eh?'. 

From what I've gleaned in this entry, you mainly use full stops to break things up. That's fine, but I thought it gave the story a clinical flavour I wasn't fond of. 

Example: “*The waters shimmered. Soon the quiet returned. He listened for the words shared in this place, but none came. The stone felt rough and dirty. He turned it over several times in his hand, wondering when he had picked it up. He glanced back at the house, so high on the hill. All the rooms he'd rearranged. The quiet. Always the returning quiet. Too big for him now.”*

Only someone as picky as me would knock off a point for that; however, the writing more than made up for it. Every cloud. . . .

Well, they're about the only things I can think of mentioning. You clearly know what you're doing and don't need any tips from me, so I'll just thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable read and move away from the monitor.

Lovely work.

*18/20*


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## moderan

**


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## moderan

moderan's scores

seyelint-Puzzled 15/20

The idea behind the story is unusual and cool;the execution is somewhat less so but still quite a readable piece. The moral lesson isn't any too subtle, but on the whole it could be a children's tale fairly easily. Just one typo, some choopy-ish sentences.
The member departed before the end of the contest, so the score doesn't count.

Cadence-Did God find these leaves on sale? 17/20

Hm. This could be read in several ways...on the surface it seems a young woman is awaiting her lover but the way things are phrased makes me think more demigod. Or Flavio at the very least.
The musing over the price of beauty occupies the center of the tale both literally and figuratively. Not much is here, a slice of life's rich pageant, but it's all packaged nicely and no egregious typos or word miscues halt the falling words.

closetwriter-untitled 17/20

The narrator literally slips into the world of his intended photographic subject, just for a moment. Though the language is a little unelegant, the powerful idea buttresses the tale, and is well-realized. Another editorial pass might have earned a point or two.

MonkeyDoctor-Death Anxiety 12/20
Something happened to the formatting of this piece. Had I been asked, I would have allowed a reposting. But I wasn't. Where the paragraph breaks should be is obvious enough, so it isn't that hard to read through.
The narrator seems to be mad at the season, and the subtext is that of mourning. That's well-conveyed. But the lack of breaks and the sole typo ("breath" instead of "breathe") runi my enjoyment and the final grade.

Nacian-Bittersweet and Melody 15/20

Quite a round for banned members, whether temporary or not. This is actually entertaining in a whimsical fashion, with that Chandleresque introduction of characters providing what plot there is. I like the word giftgab though I know not what it means. It sounds like gewgaw, which is one of my favorite words.

ChicagoHeart-The Woods 17/20

The piece starts off ominously but the narrator escapes into a secret world wrought in childhood. Whatever had been doing the chasing becomes a dangling participant, unnecessary to the real action. No real spagnits here. The story does feel incomplete though. I'd need to learn more about the identity of the pursuer and the nature of the chase to have some kind of identification with the narrator.

morc44u-Call Me Lucy 17/20

Well. William certainly deserves his date with Lu. I like the line about reconcling the plane of the floor with gravity. John Hiatt might've penned that one.
There's some cute in this, but it's a flashfic. You can only do so much.

Like A Fox-Your Last Autumn 18/20

This feels real and testimonial. It's all telling but still effective enough. The first and last lines are perfect.

gardening girl-Autumn's magic  16/20

This piece is all atmosphere. The narrator steps through a doorway. I'm not really sure what all of the musing is about. I think the narrator has gone to her happy place, and that's about it. The prose is pretty purple and confusing in spots (especially the introductory sentence).

JohnMG-Fall 18/20

This piece is again about loss...that seems to be a common thread in this round. The rearranging furniture trope is something that's pretty realistic, or so it would seem from my experiences. Pretty and effective, not overwritten.

Candid Petunia-After the Fall 19/20

I'd take the last line of the first paragraph and use it as the lead. Otherwise terrific. Got some plot here, a few not over-cliched ruminations. The trick, as Douglas Adams used to say, is to miss the ground. The plummeting part is easy.

bazz cargo-Nutters 19/20

I laughed out loud at the last line, at 3:50 am on a quiet Saturday morning. I couldn't help it. I could see this as a featurette on the Cartoon Network, maybe a piece of Robot Chicken. Small animals have delightful senses of humor. I've been acquainted with several squirrels and assorted chipmunks and currently have rabbits in my home.
The male rabbit once drank a tiny bowl of Guinness. I've seen the wild ones eat fermented berries. I suspect that is what grows on the weird trees.

egpenny-the stone portal 18/20

Sam is sad and that's a gun in his pocket, he's not happy to see you. Hoho, unless you're one of the Little People. Interestingly, I've been reading a little Arthur Machen today, and this tale is a quite modern take on his subject matter.

Gamer_2k4-Existence 17/20

A stone wall complete with ego and egotism. Delightful little conceit, and it plays out very well here. I fear that immortality shall not be attained, but it is something to be striven for.

philosophocles-Love, Hate, Dichotomy 19/20

That's a jagged slice of that life. It takes two lines to convey menace-that's good work. Everything has a surreal or ultrareal quality to it, like it's one of THOSE moments. And so it is.

Anna Buttons-It's All In Your Head, Dear 19/20

And all over your skin and in your dancing feets and.in my case in the bubbling sound of laughter that I'm trying to bottle up at 4:07 am on a somwhat-less-quite-than-it-had-been-previously Saturday morning. Great time for a meditation on the nature of madness. Crazy good.

BabaYaga-A Different Kind of Magic 18/20

That ole Black magic. And ceremonial magicks of that sort, revenge-driven, are the most dangerous, the most powerful, the most seductive. Your narrator should be looking for a Hand of Glory.

InsanityStrickenWriter-Standing Amidst Golden Trees

Is the world of faerie. Or at least that's what it seems like, though there are a couple of passages that make me think the Little People might be migratory, which would be a nice little wrinkle.


And that's it. A lot of stories...not very many typos at all, which makes me very happy. I hate to take off points for stuff like that and would prefer to dwell in the land of style-points and minor spagnits.
Good works! Everyone had something original to say about the picture of the stone doorway in the deciduous forest.

Bruno went nuts! My hat is off to the gentleman for critiquing above and beyond the call of duty. Seriously. Great crits too.

Peace, people. Discuss.


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## BabaYaga

Congratulations to LA fox, Anna Buttons and John McG! 

 And much thanks to the judges for taking the time not only to read all of the stories, but to judge, organise your thoughts and provide really useful criticisms. 

Thanks especially to Bruno for such incredible, in-depth feedback- and such flattery!!! (Although I'm not unconvinced that part of that isn't fear- rawr ) I'm glad it was an easy read and I'm SO glad I managed to avoid any shame-inducing typos this time  

I had wanted it to be a little reminiscent of _The Craft. _I think most (weird) teenage girls go through a 'witch' phase and I wanted to write about a girl turned woman who never really grew past that. I can see now where it could have been tighter and more cohesive as a story, and...I guess that's what's so great about these competitions...that and the cash prizes which I'm sure are in the mail somewhere...


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## Jon M

Thanks to the judges for the in-depth feedback. Writing up that many critiques is quite an undertaking, and I appreciate you all taking the time to consider my writing. 



			
				BrunoSpatola said:
			
		

> From what I've  gleaned in this entry, you mainly use full stops to break things up.  That's fine, but I thought it gave the story a clinical flavour I wasn't  fond of.


Funny you should mention this. I also felt that the passage you quoted had a hard-edged, clinical feel to it. It came out during subsequent revisions, and was kind of unavoidable, unfortunately. I had to cut about 400 words off the first draft, and by the time I managed to get it under 650 some parts were really spare. Normally I love long, meandering sentences, but for this one -- and all that I had in mind to say -- I had to reign it in quite a bit.


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## Gardening Girl

Thanks to all the judges for putting this together and for the time and effort made to provide such comprehensive reviews.  A special thanks to Bruno S. for such extensive feedback (I didn’t expect that) – it was interesting and useful to read and much appreciated.   I’ve only been writing for about six months and this is the first short story I’ve ever written, so I really wasn’t expecting much.  The feedback is really helpful.  Congratulations to the well-deserved winners.


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## Bruno Spatola

BabaYaga said:


> And such flattery!!! (Although I'm not unconvinced that part of that isn't fear- rawr :wink



Don't be scary-- silly! Don't be silly! I don't know what makes you think I complemented you through fear, but I _definitely didn't _. . . your majesty.




johnMG said:


> I had to cut about 400 words off the first draft, and by the time I managed to get it under 650 some parts were really spare. Normally I love long, meandering sentences, but for this one -- and all that I had in mind to say -- I had to reign it in quite a bit.



The writing was more than strong enough to break free of its shackles, John. I'm shocked you had to remove such a significant amount, actually -- it really doesn't show. Cheers for filling me in though, that clears things up. Hope to see the director's cut up in the workshop at some point. 




GardeningGirl said:


> I’ve only been writing for about six months and this is the first short story I’ve ever written. . .


 You clearly have a gift for creating characters that are pure of heart, Gardening Girl. It was a delight to read -- I should be thanking you, really . It doesn't read like a “first-ever short-story” to me; I think it has great potential. 

Looking forward to your next piece. We need more stories with a devil-may-care vibe to 'em.


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## Gardening Girl

Thank you Bruno.  I’m very grateful for your input.  I’ve been writing a little gardening column for 6/7 months plus a few other articles. But I don’t do stories.  They have never interested me and I don’t think I have what it takes to come up with a good storyline.  That’s why I prefer (and love) to write about my garden, personal experiences and places I’ve visited; I think I do that quite well.  I thought I’d try this contest as the photo really spoke to me when I first saw it (and before I knew it, I was writing).  But yes, it’s the first story I’ve ever written (and first writing contest I've entered).  Thanks again, you made my day.  range:


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## bazz cargo

A stunning set of winners, LA fox, Anna Buttons and John McG! Congratulations!

My reply to the judges:

_Quirky in a good way, yet it felt aimless when it came to the plot. _
I  have to confess the plot was obscured by missing part of the story off,  it would have taken it too far from the prompt. I will post it and put a  link up if anyone wants to see it in all its glory.

[FONT=&Verdana] _Where’s the stone arch? _
The old stone folly_._

_Took me a second read to get your dialogue pacing._[/FONT] 
This I struggle with, how to give characters an individual voice, 'specially when they are non human ones?

_*“Iz that you Spin?” – *Is this a style thing?_
Yep. I write the squirrel language, I can make it a bit fuzzy. (It's their teeth).

_*Nut Lore?” – *Why is this capitalized, Mr. Cargo? Is The Nut Lore one of their ancient squirrel scrolls?_
For further information, see the unexpurgated story!

http://www.writingforums.com/humour/126593-nutters-directors-cut.html#post1489067

_Is 'dopplered' a word ?_ 
I am unable to find it in my dictionary, but it should exist, so there!

_“*Squirrel droppings.” – *Afitting end to a good entry. Cheers for the read. _
Thank you. Although I was surprised not to be told off for ending on such an awful pun.


_I've seen the wild ones eat fermented berries. I suspect that is what grows on the weird trees._
Sadly no, only nuts, fat balls and seeds put out for the birds. A bit exotic for a squirrel's diet.

Thanks to Moderan and his singing birds for inspiration.


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## Like a Fox

Ahh, Bruno. You are a judge after my own heart. 
Thank you for all the kind words (and tears?). 

And yay for the blue ribbon. 

And congratulations to Anna and John. Super close scores this round.

AvA, Mod, and Karl. Thanks for all the hard work. I know very well what a lot of work it is. Nice for me to have a break and come away with the win.

Karl - Regarding the prompt - I've never been a particularly harsh judge on prompt use, so I suppose I didn't hold myself to anything stricter as a participant. It was in thinking about that picture and wanting to write something for this that I came to write the story, so it was a jumping off point, but probably only that. Whenever I've written a picture-prompt-inspired story I imagine the finished product with the picture above it. And I guess, after I'd written the story, I could see it representing the doorway out of this life and into another.
At the same time, I totally thought someone would call me up on the loose use of it. So good to have my expectations met. Haha.

Thanks to all.


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## bazz cargo

I have finally managed to read all the judges comments,(I find the comments on the other stories just as illuminating as those on mine). I take my hat off to you four, stunning work, thanks.

Just one question, why is Bruno's excellent work posted twice?


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## Like a Fox

Fixed


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## KarlR

Like a Fox said:


> At the same time, I totally thought someone would call me up on the loose use of it. So good to have my expectations met. Haha.


Happy to be of service!  :blackeye:


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## candid petunia

Congrats to Fox, Anna and John. 

And thanks to all the judges for your time. It must be a lot of work.
This is the first piece of prose I've really given thought to, so I appreciate all the feedback. I'll try to work on it and make it better.
*Bruno*, you're right, i shouldn't have emphasised the word 'spring' in the end. I realised it later but I couldn't edit it then.
*Moderan*, 





> I'd take the last line of the first paragraph and use it as the lead.


That was what I'd wanted to do in the first place but changed my mind later. Guess I'll have to switch back to the original and play around with the sentences.

I know I really should work on descriptions -- that's my weak point, I guess. I'm going to read more and try to learn.

Thanks again, AvA, karl, Bruno and mod.


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## ChicagoHeart

Congrats to the winners- wonderful and creative stories from so many this time.  i think i would have picked the same entries.  Thanks to the judgeses as well, i know the work is tedious and your efforts are always sincerely appreciated


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## moderan

The judging "work" is enjoyable. We get to read the stories. But thanks, on behalf of all of us


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## Bruno Spatola

I was up for three nights in a row reading and judging some of the entries, and I loved every minute of it .

Edit: I just want to apologize for some of the errors in my judging. I should have given it another check before sending it off. Sorry .


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## moderan

Whatever are you apologizing for? You went above and beyond the call of duty. I don't think anyone has any complaints other than my posting the stuff twice. LaFox took care of that. We should say thank you. I say it again. Thanks, Bruno. And thanks too, LaF


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## morc44u

Thanks judges, I really appreciate your critiques!  And thanks to all of the participants for sharing some great stories!


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## Jeko

Thanks for all the great feedback, especially Bruno's which I would like to respond to. I agree with most of it, but there are a few things I'd like to clarify.




*. . . slicing through the shadows like a sacrificial knife.” – *Why a sacrificial knife in particular? Sounds a bit specific to me.“
I felt that the sacrificial knife gave more to the striking power of the sun, to make it not a mere glow but a beam that cuts with a painful power. I tried 'sliced through the shadows like a knife', but that sounded a bit dull. It's more about the nature of the word, I guess. It _sounds _strong, and thus makes the sun strong.


*. . . only to be trampled by running child and chasing parent, man and woman, beast and prey” – *“Only to be trampled by running children and chasing parents” would be correct. I'd cut “man and woman, beast and prey” – it doesn't add anything to the image, in my opinion.
Used the art of Rhetoric here; contrasting pairs to snap up a reader. Probably could have done it better. I made them singular to continue the poetic style of the writing, speaking in concept of the event rather than it happening.

“*I selected a dead king from the floor. . .” – *Just to clarify, are you referring to leaves as kings because they're in the shape of crowns or. . . ? It's not obvious.
The leaves were described as kings before that quote; 'Up high, kings of the season before they descended onto the tatty forest floor.'

*“The tears had stained my mascara. . .” – *Can tears stain mascara? Mascara is black and tears are colourless, so I'm not sure that works.
The mascara respesents beauty, but the tears 'stain' the beauty, but not in a literal sense; tears aren't beautifyful. It's metaphorical description, which I use a bit too much.

*"Another leaf crashed lightly to my feet.” – *'Lightly _at_ my feet', methinks. “Crashed lightly” is a bit of an oxymoron, too – the word 'crashed' brings to mind a massive clash of forces, which isn't how leaves behave when falling. Maybe “sailed lightly to my feet” would have the desired effect.
I love oxymorons; they're great to add interest in an otherwise simple sentence. 'sailed' doesn't get across the power of the imagery; it becomes subtle like the girl. The image is vivid and bold, and so needs to have a stronger edge to it. The descent is not beautiful, it is of decay. Hence the use of 'crashed'.




I think in future I will use less deep stuff constantly, because it can get a bit thick and get in the way. This will really help me write my novel better; thanks, Bruno.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter

Thanks judges, glad my story was enjoyed by all of you, always a worry I'll produce something so terrible that it'd be capable of causing people to walk off cliffs. (Dover's a nice location for that, I'd imagine). Always a relief to know I haven't gotten anybody killed. And I'll work on my use of semi-colons, Bruno. I used to avoid them like the plague so what you saw was a sudden and misguided obsession with putting in as many as possible to make up for past avoidance. 
Congratz to the winners


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## bazz cargo

Hi Bruno,
Do not apologise for some brilliant and helpful work.

Moderan,
I have no complaints.

LaFox,
You is da Vixen.


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## Anna Buttons

Ah! I am a bad person - my apologies for my lack of response (to anyoine who may have noticed). 

Congrats LA Fox - your story was superb. 

Thanks judges for your time and feedback.


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