# I Would Alter Nothing



## SolitaryMagpie (Jan 8, 2017)

It is as though I myself
  Had whittled his bones,
  With my own, bare hands,
  Moulded and shaped every sinew.
  His pale, freckled flesh
  I might have spun, cut
  Little latticed canyons;
  Stretched, kneaded and drawn
  Every fold, crease and line.
  Into each follicle,
  Sewn a silver, or copper curl. 
  His fingers, palms, 
  Stuffed with warm fibre.
  Each ivory tooth
  I could have carved,
  Polished and placed precisely;
Collected crystalline sand
  To blow the glass needed
  For his eyes. 
His pupils, I might have pierced 
With a poker, and painted in acrylic
Those translucent irises.

Were I to craft myself a lover
I could have created none better.


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## Ell337 (Jan 8, 2017)

That is awesome! I'm just going to let that one sit with me for a bit. If there is editing, I don't want to do it right now.


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## SolitaryMagpie (Jan 8, 2017)

Thanks so much Ell337!  I'm pleased you like it!


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## Ell337 (Jan 8, 2017)

I'd suggest losing the contraction in the first line. You don't use contractions anywhere else and it stands out. The line also scans better with _It is _rather than _It's._ 

But still delightful on a second and third reading, and expresses a sentiment I also hold about the one I love.


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## jenthepen (Jan 8, 2017)

Wow, I agree with Ell337. What a fabulous way to pay homage to an adored  one - if it was written for a real flesh-and-blood lover, I hope it was  appreciated. 

I note you have followed the traditional route  of beginning each line with a capital letter. There is nothing wrong  with doing that, of course, but more and more it seems to be the norm to  disregard this convention. It's a matter of choice and I only mention  it as a matter of interest.

It's great to see you on the poetry forum, Kerry. You've given yourself something to live up to with this one!


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## Absolem (Jan 8, 2017)

Great poem. Original idea, great execution. Wonderful read.


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## SolitaryMagpie (Jan 8, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> I'd suggest losing the contraction in the first  line. You don't use contractions anywhere else and it stands out. The  line also scans better with _It is _rather than _It's._
> 
> But still delightful on a second and third reading, and expresses a sentiment I also hold about the one I love.



You're right. I'll amend it, thank you. 

I'm honestly so pleased you like it. If _'it's' _is the worst bit you can find in the entire thing, then I'm thrilled. Also, up until now I've never had someone relate to my poetry, so you've made my night. 



jenthepen said:


> Wow, I agree with Ell337. What a fabulous way to  pay homage to an adored  one - if it was written for a real  flesh-and-blood lover, I hope it was  appreciated.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Wow, thanks Jenthepen! I really wasn't expecting this much praise! I'm kind of speechless here. Haha, thank you. Sadly, it was written 'post-break up', but who knows, one day maybe he'll see it?

  Yeah, I'm an oldie. I go back and forth with the capitalisation, but in the end it boils down to a form of poetry OCD more than anything. :mrgreen:

  Thank you so very much! I'm over the moon that it's been so well-received!



Absolem said:


> Great poem. Original idea, great execution. Wonderful read.



Thanks so much!


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## Ell337 (Jan 8, 2017)

It's a pleasure.


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## Darkkin (Jan 8, 2017)

SolitaryMagpie said:


> It is as though I (myself)
> had whittled his bones(.)
> with my (own,) bare hands,
> moulded (and shaped) every sinew.
> ...



You have a very good piece here, but it does need a little tightening up.  Take a look at the words and punctuation that appear in (Blue parentheses)_.  _These are points where adjustments can be made.  In essence, small redundancies that can be removed without altering the flow or meaning of your piece.  Overall, a heartfelt, emotive poem.  Well done.

- D. the T.


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## SolitaryMagpie (Jan 8, 2017)

Hi Darkkin

  Thanks for sparing the time to do such an in-depth critique of my poem. You certainly know your stuff! 

   The cut thing is intentional. Same as the poker. Difficult to explain, but it's a personal thing from the relationship. Both my partner and I shared quite a morbid fascination with human brutality, hence these small references.  I'm actually glad they stood out, to be honest!

   The 'little latticed canyons' line is meant to refer to the surface of someone's skin. If you take a close look at someone's hands, say, you'll notice a very slight diamond-pane pattern. I do see that the poem would flow better without it, but I have too much of a fondness to scrap it. 

I do think the 'none' over 'no' edit will work really well. 

   Again, thank you so much for your advice, as well as the kind words. It's much appreciated and I'll certainly continue to play around with it in places.


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## sas (Jan 9, 2017)

I certainly enjoyed the read and the images, although I did halt and wonder about the piercing of eyes with a poker. It is so unexpected I'd look for a way to explain it. I thought it a pivotal line and it turned out not to be. Nice work. Sas


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## Ell337 (Jan 9, 2017)

SolitaryMagpie said:


> Hi Darkkin
> 
> Thanks for sparing the time to do such an in-depth critique of my poem. You certainly know your stuff!
> 
> ...



There is this personal quality to poetry that makes it more than just the product of good form. It flows from the emotional core of our being, sharing a moment, our moment. It is cry of the heart out into the universe to be heard. We all notice when form, choice, structure, flow, cadence is bad, but there are times when the small imperfections are a reflection of the poet's heart and should be left alone.


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## sas (Jan 9, 2017)

Ell....I guess you meant "left alone" by the poet, as we workshop. We've no idea what is in the poet's heart. They would have to tell us if they are in afib. Smiles.


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## Ell337 (Jan 9, 2017)

sas said:


> Ell....I guess you meant "left alone" by the poet, as we workshop. We've no idea what is in the poet's heart. They would have to tell us if they are in afib. Smiles.




I think what I meant is that a poem can be dissected down the last syllable and 'improved' in some way, but making it perfect can sometimes take away that essence of uniqueness, the voice of the poet in a sense. If I had to choose between a 'perfect' poem in terms of form, etc. and one which is a little imperfect but which 'speaks' to me ... well I prefer the one that speaks over the perfect one. 

I know that the point of critique is to offer suggestions that, in your opinion, would improve the work, but sometimes, even if I can find things to nitpick, I simply don't want to. In those instances I can't be sure that I'm not imposing my voice onto someone else's work. And that is not the right way to do things. It isn't my poem, it's their's. It's saying what they want to say in their unique way. And sometimes, the small imperfections, are part of that voice, and it's not right for me to try to correct them. Doing so would be attempting to destroy the soul of the poem. For me, this poem is one of those times. I could be wrong. I am occasionally. Maybe it can be better, but I still have to wonder if being better, it would still say the same things in quite the same way.


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## sas (Jan 9, 2017)

Ell....If this were not a workshop group, I wouldn't disagree. But, after all, no one forces a poet to make any change. But, to withhold opinion makes no sense; defeats the purpose. I do not want to spend time second guessing each suggestion I make. I want every one, from anyone, without hesitation. These groups are not for the timid receiver, and definitely not for the timid giver. There are many places to post on the internet for those with that persuasion. I call them "applause groups."  This group is exceptional because it leaves not even a comma un-scrutinized. Where else can a writer get a dedicated reader to edit and perhaps educate for absolutely nothing? And, I will say, look at the in-depth work-shopping that some do out of pure generosity. They don't just give a couple of suggestions. I bow in awe and gratitude, and learn.


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## Ell337 (Jan 9, 2017)

sas said:


> Ell....If this were not a workshop group, I wouldn't disagree. But, after all, no one forces a poet to make any change. But, to withhold opinion makes no sense; defeats the purpose. I do not want to spend time second guessing each suggestion I make. I want every one, from anyone, without hesitation. These groups are not for the timid receiver, and definitely not for the timid giver. There are many places to post on the internet for those with that persuasion. I call them "applause groups."  This group is exceptional because it leaves not even a comma un-scrutinized. Where else can a writer get a dedicated reader to edit and perhaps educate for absolutely nothing? And, I will say, look at the in-depth work-shopping that some do out of pure generosity. They don't just give a couple of suggestions. I bow in awe and gratitude, and learn.



I think you are misunderstanding me. I give serious critique and am far from timid. Sometimes that critique is that _'this isn't perfect, but I wouldn't try to change it'_. And there are many places on the web one can get in-depth critique. This isn't the only place. I can suggest quite a few superb FB groups if anyone wants a wider range of opinions, as it is often useful to get as much input as you can.


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## sas (Jan 9, 2017)

Ell so glad we're in agreement. Yes, I'm aware of other groups. I've participated in many, over the years. I like this one. And, I hope more join in work-shopping because dominate voices can skew another, less confident, poet's own voice, as you intimated. And, that would make for goose step poets. Damn boring. For that reason, I am trying to restrain from demonstrating through re-write. It is difficult. But, confess that I learn better from it when it's my poem, or another's.  Show is just easier than tell to understand.  Too bad. Glad you're in this group.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 12, 2017)

I really liked your imagery with this one. Stark, solid and revealing.

Thanks for sharing!


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