# Dreams of Poets



## jack2 (Aug 6, 2013)

*
ORIGINAL POEM

I*n these United States alone,
  two million poets go unknown.
  But in their dreams they all proclaim
  that only their style leads to fame;
  Grand words some use, conveniently—
  most vague can be such poetry.

  I write not for posterity,
  for fame, nor for prosperity;
  but when my brain has turned to dust,
  my skull a bucket filled with rust,
  someone may find my rhymes one day,
  and smile, even if they simply say:
  “Tu-whoo!  Tu-whit, tu-whoo!”
  and “Where the bee sucks,” too.

1st REVISION

  (For those who don’t know meters and feet:
  This poem is, generally, written in iambic tetrameter).

  [FONT=&Verdana]In these United States alone,
two million poets go unknown.
But in their dreams they all proclaim
that only their style leads to fame;
Grand words some use, conveniently—
most vague can be such poetry.

I write not for posterity,
for fame, nor prosperity; 
but when my brain has turned to dust,
my skull a bucket filled with rust,
someone may find my rhymes one day[/FONT]
  and smile at what I had to say.
  [FONT=&Verdana]Lord Byron I shall never be,
but I wrote pleasing poetry.[/FONT]


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## escorial (Aug 6, 2013)

Im with you most of the way..last two lines lost me?


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## jack2 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Escorial, 
from Shakespeare I borrowed those two lines to point at my own simple writing style. Poems should not be a showcase for "big" words.  Those old bards refrained from words that would have you reach for the dictionary.
_"  You will hear the owl's call in "A Merry Note" by Williams *Shakespeare*, taken from his play "Loves Labour's Lost."_ Hope this makes sense?  Thanks,  Jack


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## escorial (Aug 6, 2013)

shaky has baffled me for years man....maybe your another edward de vere....still can't put the last two lines in but I like what went before it.


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## bajmahal (Aug 6, 2013)

Your theme should have a thread of its own in the discussions threads.  Like songbirds and whales, some of us humans just have this compulsion to use all our words.  Don't you just love the crazy uselessness of it all.  Jack, this is lovely.  I especially like the last lines - very Vonnegutian - "Poo-tee-weet!"


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## jack2 (Aug 6, 2013)

escorial said:


> shaky has baffled me for years man....maybe your another edward de vere....still can't put the last two lines in but I like what went before it.



Escorial, thanks again.  I'm so totally into Old Will, quoting him has become a natural thing with me, lol. 
Well, I can always substitute some other finishing lines.  Thanks; glad you approve of the rest,    Jack


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## jack2 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Bajmahal, and thanks a bunch; earlier I saw a poem on another site.  That write was peppered with words that  had me search my dictionary.  Even though my opinion might make me unpopular with others, I don't care to rhyme a dictionary.  In their search for uncommon words some writers carry the word substitution a bit too far.  That's what my write is about.  Thanks for liking my poetry rant.  Kurt Vonnegut--one of the best.  Slaughterhouse Five . . . .  Best to you, :|


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 6, 2013)

I like this a lot. The Shakespeare is a solid touch. Two things: I think you should only keep the first "for" in the beginning of stanza 1. Also, this: "Grand words some use, conveniently— / most vague can be such poetry." is awkward. It's the one place where the rhyme feels forced.

Other than that, great job.


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## jack2 (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you, Squalid Glass;
it's very nice to meet you.  Thanks for the advice; now that you mentioned that particular flawed line, I agree, and I will think about how to revise it. I appreciate your valuable comment, sir.  Best to you, :smile:  Jack


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## ToBeInspired (Aug 9, 2013)

I understand that the last two lines are simply used as a means of reference, but I'm afraid the sounds disrupt the flow for me. In the first reading I lost the flow once I arrived at the last two lines. Upon looking at the poem as two paragraphs it became more clear, but I had lost the momentum already. I like the poem. It portrays a clear message, showcasing your style quite well. Good job.


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## jack2 (Aug 9, 2013)

ToBe, thanks very much; I firmly believe that too much perfection can kill a metered/rhymed poem.  It's always good to get everyone's input, and I totally appreciate yours. Glad that, overall, it strikes you as a decent poem. Thanks.  Jack


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## scott777ab777 (Aug 10, 2013)

Very nice.  I got the 2nd to last sentence but you lost me on the last sentence.   I have a question, were you trying to reference this poem in yours?

"Where the Bee Sucks, There Suck I"
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Where the bee sucks, there suck I:
In a cowslip’s bell I lie;
There I couch when owls do cry.
On the bat’s back I do fly
After summer merrily.   
Merrily, merrily shall I live now
Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.

If not I don't get it.


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## Greimour (Aug 10, 2013)

My thoughts shown within the quote by use of bolds.



jack2 said:


> In these United States alone,
> two million poets go unknown.
> But in their dreams they all proclaim
> that only their style leads to fame;
> ...



Personally, I like it up to the last three lines. I know the ending is quoting W.Shakespeare, and from your reply to escatorial, I sort of see what you meant to imply by doing so... but I think you could have handled it better.

but when my brain has turned to dust,
  my skull a bucket filled with rust,
  someone may find my rhymes one day,

I really like that bit, it grabbed my interest and I was eagerly awaiting where it was leading...

but when my brain has turned to dust,
  my skull a bucket filled with rust,
  someone may find my rhymes one day,
*search my name on; the internet say?
I won't be found and why should I be?
I never sought fame with my poetry.
*

That's how I would have ended it... 

I liked the piece and it's in my favourite style too :encouragement: 
(every line should rhyme was a childhood belief, though the belief changed it's still a favourite format)

I look forward to seeing more stuff by you. :encouragement:



~Kev


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## jack2 (Aug 10, 2013)

Kev,
thanks very much for your critique. I like your suggested  alternate lines, and now I'm convinced that my little write can stand a  revision.  No poem in work is perfect (except in a dilettante's eyes)  and that is why your input is valuable. A revision will be forthcoming.   Now, to rhyme or not to rhyme?  Usually I reserve rhyming for sonnets,  but I enjoy the occasional rhymed ditty, if it serves to make a  statement.  Thanks, and your suggestion is very much appreciated.   Jack


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## StevieG (Aug 10, 2013)

I must say I do agree with Kev here,
 I found the last three lines out of my comfort zone. but the addition he added made more sense for how the world will b when we are gone from this world. 

~Steven


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## jack2 (Aug 10, 2013)

Steven, 
I'm not sure why my last 3 lines should be out of your comfort zone.  Being heavily into Shakespeare,  those quoted words still make sense to me, but I can see where I must take a simpler approach.  I agree with Greymour's suggested alternate wording, but I may have to take a different direction yet, mostly because of the poem's iambic tetrameter form.  I need to stay with the 8 syllable count.  So, I'll post my revision at the top of this thread.  Thanks very much.    Jack


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## jack2 (Aug 10, 2013)

That's right, Scott.  That's Ariel's song (Tempest) and the other quote (see below) is from Love's Labour's Lost, Act 5 Scene 2.  Thanks very much.  Glad you commented.  Jack

When all aloud the wind doth blow,
And coughing drowns the parson's saw,
And birds sit brooding in the snow,
And Marian's nose looks red and raw,
When roasted crabs hiss in the bowl,
The nightly sings the staring owl :
*'Tu-who ;
Tu-whit, To-who ' -* A merry note,
While greasy Joan doth keel the pot.


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