# The Dream



## Theglasshouse (Jun 11, 2016)

I passsed by the boats a long time ago long before I found the telescopes.
Coin machines, operating,  in the dark, as my time was running out,amock timer luck running out. Timer placed outside on the docks.
On the clocks beside the river bed, outside of the dark.

Mysterious made as if by a demonic force, outisde the dark fabric of the grim darkness.
Of dreams as if a wet tongue that was to me like a place that I could only be in that dream to be in. The very wall that encapsulates like the walls of memories, where there was no place.

That dream that was the wall I had to overcome, paradoxically also just as well as if dreams made from water and myst, with no where to go, go out and then escape, walls with no way to escape, what I saw was fixed, in places no one had gone to other than me, and the others, I saw these worlds that I had just now gone past by fleeting. Where words had no such place or existence. Where fun and imagination began.

The telescopes trying being bent out of the frame of sight, 
then strecthing out the visions, trying to see the future,  and through the eyes, and where it lies. Looking where  this dream I had could be found.


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## escorial (Jun 11, 2016)

rolls along just fine..descriptive and melodramatic..cool


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## Firemajic (Jun 11, 2016)

Theglasshouse said:


> I pass by boats* a* long** time ago long** before I found the telescopes,** Cut, to read like this
> I pass by boats, long before I found the telescopes.
> coin machines, operating, as my time was running out,mluck running out, timer placed on the docks,
> on the clocks beside the river bed, outside of the dark.Rework this line to be coherent..
> ...


*** I don't understand what you are trying to express here...


Glass, this drifts from poetry to prose... Try to nail down the message so your reader can understand what you are trying to express. Dreams can be chaotic and have little to do with reality, they morph and blend, move and change, I get that.. I do love the surreal vibe, and the tension of fear is clearly expressed...


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 11, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> *** I don't understand what you are trying to express here...
> 
> 
> Glass, this drifts from poetry to prose... Try to nail down the message so your reader can understand what you are trying to express. Dreams can be chaotic and have little to do with reality, they morph and blend, move and change, I get that.. I do love the surreal vibe, and the tension of fear is clearly expressed...


Thanks escorial. Even encouragment can be a good thing.

Hello firemajic. Yes my poem reads hard on the ears of a native speaker.

i will do cutting since i have trouble expressing my ideas. Thanks for your feedback. I guess my revision will be posted in a day or two or as fast as i can make up my mind.

Going to add this idea. But if ideas are good I think  I can try my hand at prose. The problem it is poorly recieved, which is suppose to be the reason we post things on the forum for feedback. I respect feedback and know you have high standards. However i will try for both. I have my own definition of poetry, so i guess i will try what i consider and what i know. There could have been good prose poets and i think there might have been. However i will try to find a balance for ideas. Prose is easier and more obvious, and i kind of want to express it as a poem, with the ideas present without eliminating every main idea.

i will google to find advice but now i kind of remember why i am not a big poet let alone a good one. I think i need to take it at a very slow pace but be realistic.

Thank you.


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## Firemajic (Jun 11, 2016)

Theglasshouse said:


> Thanks escorial. Even encouragment can be a good thing.
> 
> Dreams is a concept. While I have to respect your opinion I am going to disagree since poetry is expression amd thusly if this is true dreams can be anything since poetry is a form of expression. That was locke i believe that wrote about the kinds of logic. But is more trying to reason your post with enough reason and logic.
> 
> ...




Yes, poetry is an expression, so is prose, fiction, romance.... writing is an expression. There are STILL certain criteria one must follow for a work to be poetry. There are certain criteria one must follow to write romance or horror.


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 11, 2016)

I agree, it is difficult for me, because of many limitations. But i will try my best to follow the conventions given my own abilities right at this moment. Thank you.


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## ned (Jun 11, 2016)

have to agree with previous comments - this is prose pretending to be poetry -
poetry has a rhythm - this is just thoughtless paragraphs  savvy?

and chock full of abstractions that are basically meaningless -
Mysterious made as if by a demonic force, outisde the dark fabric of the grim darkness. - what does that mean?

poetry is not aout spelling out weirdness - it's aout untold truths made real

if you want to want to walk on the darkside - then, you have to work harder thsn this!

Ned


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 11, 2016)

ned said:


> have to agree with previous comments - this is prose pretending to be poetry -
> poetry has a rhythm - this is just thoughtless paragraphs  savvy?
> 
> and chock full of abstractions that are basically meaningless -
> ...


Just because you said i didnt try. Am i that hepless and your definition above scorn? Am i that retarded for you to scorn? As eternal as wisdom. If you cant be nice dont post. What an insult and parody. There are people like me everywhere. What makes my case special? I think people like me suffer and all we can do is shudder and show our good sides.

Sorry ned but your commons are very out of place and you think highly of yourself. Sorry i had to say the truth because, you were being yourself and maybe i am too.

Stop pretending you care. Critique smartly and be diplomatic smartly at least i left room of doubt to firemajic as i thanked her and now i had to say what i feel about you. Once again sorry. I will at leasIt help people more unfortunate than me. If given the chance. I guess i shall not post the new version. Because of the snobbery, which i considered spoiled. The truth is you want to scare me and others away like me. It is a masochistic behavior that deserves no reserving of admiration. You know my case file, what is your problem. Id like to see you say that in a roomfull of adults. You are thoughtless. I have done everything in my powers. But i dont have everything in the world namely my own thinking or smarts is not intact. I will hope you ignore me.

Look up the definition of a diplomatic critique. People have named me because of my mental conditions nick names. Sorry everyone, i may not have many friends but i have my family and hope i have sympathy.

if in doubt of your feelings ignore me.


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## Darkkin (Jun 11, 2016)

Theglasshouse said:


> The Dream
> I passsed by the boats a long time ago long before I found the telescopes.
> Coin machines, operating,  in the dark, as my time was running out,amock  timer luck running out. Timer placed outside on the docks.
> On the clocks beside the river bed, outside of the dark.
> ...



 Some basics to consider for poetry Glass:

1.  If you have trouble with clarity in your expressions, read the piece aloud.  Ask yourself, does this sound like a poem or prose?  In essence, what is the function of the piece.  What do you want it to do?  Keep your focus, don't wander.

2.  Consider what does your piece look like?  What you have currently looks like paragraphs.  Poetry is as much about the visual as it is about the verbal.

3.  If you aren't sure about where to pause with your lines, utilize your punctuation and the natural pauses when you read aloud.

4.  If you have issues keeping the focus of your piece on track, set a word limit.  Say 300 - 400 words.  This will help make you more aware of redundancies.

These steps have helped me as a writer lay down solid foundations.


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## ned (Jun 12, 2016)

my! - what a load load of stuff and nonsense over a bit of criticism of some words you happened to write down -

you seemed to have got mixed up between criticism of your work, and criticism of yourself - two totally different concepts.
how can I criticise you personally, when I know nothing aout you? - my focus is only on this poem that you have posted.
and I stand by that criticism - it's just my humble opinion about your words, nothing to get in in hizzy fit about.

I strive to give advice that might improve a writer's work - and if that means telling a writer they need to work harder on certain aspects
of their work then, so be it. - my criticism is not random criticism for the sake of it - but considered and justified, in my opinion.
now, you can take it or leave it as you choose, but taking it all personally not only misses the point, but just confuses the issue
and kills the debate - as I see it, you would be better off to stop stamping your feet and personally attacking the critics of your work
and instead, take heed of the advice offered. - at the end of the day, that's all it is - simple advice on your poetry.

enough said
Ned


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## Firemajic (Jun 12, 2016)

Theglasshouse said:


> I agree, it is difficult for me, because of many limitations. But i will try my best to follow the conventions given my own abilities right at this moment. Thank you.





Well, I think you have the ability to write some fabulous poetry.
1: you have a unique way of seeing things.
2:  you have a unique way of expressing yourself
3: your ability to create and express mood is really good
4: Imagery is where you shine... I have read and edited some of your work, and your use of imagery is excellent..

when writing poetry, LESS is MORE... Pick each word with care, always focusing on your message...


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 12, 2016)

ned said:


> my! - what a load load of stuff and nonsense over a bit of criticism of some words you happened to write down -
> 
> you seemed to have got mixed up between criticism of your work, and criticism of yourself - two totally different concepts.
> how can I criticise you personally, when I know nothing aout you? - my focus is only on this poem that you have posted.
> ...



I don't want anyone to be sad. Here is my post so be in a good mood. 

I am sorry since I was caught in a bad mood (I have a disorder I won't disclose unless you pm me and want to know). I try to win people with kindness, that is my way, and sometimes instead people become mean to me and I continue this routine. I felt the criticism was kind of unfair despite your intentions because it did not seem constructive and didn't tell me how to improve the piece but felt more like something had gone wrong between the relationship between peer and critiquer. By the sound of it such as word choices such as weirding and abstractions. I am sorry though for the one thing that I could not do. My emotion shifts every once in awhile. Since I am insecure of myself, and got in this mental state by having been a victim, of the laws inside of my country. It was a painful thought to me. I am not saying you made me think that again but that I feel that people become victims and become people with problems, but the comments were kind of not what I would have wanted because I needed something that would tell me more on the specifics. I take well usually to criticism if you search my posts. Also posts can be subverted if we try hard as this is place to write on poetry and fiction. I am trying to consolidate my relationships with people I interact with, who would not do so? I am not here to disagree but learn and receive criticism that sounds to me as if the person is disapproving misspelling words on purpose. About the abstractions, to me in a post that had mistakes in giving feedback I was confused. But it is a valid criticism seeing it in other people's posts. But to hand out something that was negative and not positive in the slightest was a mix of something I consider brutal but not a little negative that mentions what I most needed to fix. That is all there is to my own personality.

I am sorry as I was confused. I don't know much about the conventions. This seems sincere, and to the point just needs reasons behind them. I felt the misspellings was the only thing unfair. (your original feedback)



Firemajic said:


> Well, I think you have the ability to write some fabulous poetry.
> 1: you have a unique way of seeing things.
> 2:  you have a unique way of expressing yourself
> 3: your ability to create and express mood is really good
> ...





> _e Dream_
> _I passsed by the boats a long time ago long before I found the telescopes._
> _Coin machines, operating, in the dark, as my time was running out,amock timer luck running out. Timer placed outside on the docks._
> _On the clocks beside the river bed, outside of the dark._
> ...





> _I passed the boats long ago__(,)_
> _before I found the telescopes. __Forgive me for splicing your piece, but these lines work. You draw the reader in and establish the scene. However, my question is what is the function of the telescopes. You have a chance to expand on the idea. Consider doing so._


To dark kin. It was kind of you to help me despite what I was feeling. The setting I was planning has to do with the coin machines and toy ships you would steer in some amusement parks and christmas parks. (in a weather such as Florida for instance). I have been there, and sometimes in the forests inside parks they have them. The wishing well, and telescopes that aimed for the future was something I wanted to write about. That was my intention. Establishing the setting that you can actually picture is important. I feel I failed in this area.



> _Timer placed outside on the docks, __Why is the timer placed outside on the docks? Does it mark the tide?_
> _on the __(r)__ocks beside the river bed, __Was the use of clocks intentional or were you aiming for a similar word, such as rocks. In the prior line you indicate a timer, so a clock logically doesn't make much sense. A rock on the other hand can easily be found along just about any shore._
> _outside of the dark. __I like the thought of outside of the dark, but consider the basic principles of darkness, it is all consuming unless there is a light source. A clock beneath a street light perhaps?_


I kind of meant space is the darkness but I see how that is outside of the theme.


> _Coin machines operating in the dark, __I like your image here, but__ w__hat sort of coin machines? Video games, soda machines, slot machines, washing machines at a laundry mat? Clarify. What do you see? Once you establish that, how does it connect to your time running out? Is it a coin fed clock, an analogy? What do you want the line to do?_
> _as my time was running out._


Thank you that seems helpful concerning the scene and writing it. I have been trying clustering which is sort of like brainstorming but for images. I could possibly brainstorm more as I admit I was not so lucky with the images. It takes time. It is freewriting. Maybe I could have done some research since research helps a lot of the time.



> _Mysteries__ made, __beyond__ grim darkness. __Mysteries, not mysterious, noun not an adjective. Also you used the preposition outside in the prior line. Beyond is a simile that maintains the inherent meaning of the line without being repetitive._
> _The wall that encapsulates, _
> _walls of memories, _
> _where there was no __place__. __Did you mean place or peace with this line? Because no matter where a consciousness is, they are some place. Basic logic still applies, even with the surreal__._



Thanks I was trying to mean originally a place that had no escape since you have no walls to climb and all that is required is to wake up or have time.



> _ysteries__ made, __beyond__ grim darkness. __Mysteries, not mysterious, noun not an adjective. Also you used the preposition outside in the prior line. Beyond is a simile that maintains the inherent meaning of the line without being repetitive._
> _The wall that encapsulates, _
> _walls of memories, _
> _where there was no __place__. __Did you mean place or peace with this line? Because no matter where a consciousness is, they are some place. Basic logic still applies, even with the surreal__._
> ...



That last line I wanted to be the theme or metaphor.

Stanza three can probably be fixed I know dropping the prose. Images remain important in my definition of poetry. I once submitted to a poetry contest. Not to long ago. I have the two pieces here which are longish and were written when I didn't have problems like I do now. I hope no one feels sad reading this. I think we need to find the right emotion to help ourselves get along with one another.



> Some basics to consider for poetry Glass:
> 
> 1. If you have trouble with clarity in your expressions, read the piece aloud. Ask yourself, does this sound like a poem or prose? In essence, what is the function of the piece. What do you want it to do? Keep your focus, don't wander.
> 
> ...



Alright. Thanks a lot for the long and detailed feedback. I also sense from your feedback that I need to imitate some of the authors here. My style is kind of way out there. I kind of have to agree. Despite my own shortcomings and limitations with understanding poetry. Sorry Ned especially. I think I only did not understand the misspelled words. But your criticism made sense. Even if it took me a lot of effort.


> Well, I think you have the ability to write some fabulous poetry.
> 1: you have a unique way of seeing things.
> 2: you have a unique way of expressing yourself
> 3: your ability to create and express mood is really good
> ...


Also firemajic like I was sensing you try to help me, it is me misunderstanding sometimes. I am definitely scared of you but in a good way. My written spanish is kind of bad. Looks as if I am in need of addressing the issues at hand, thanks everyone for the help. (I changed my opinion since I know little about poems and see the good intents. on behalf of those who already posted here). (once again I feel sorry)


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