# Missing Penis! (Mature Content)



## Ian8777 (Jul 20, 2016)

My Penis had vanished!

Gone.

I looked in all the usual places:

Behind the couch, under the couch,

down the couch.

Nothing.

After three days

I went to the police station

to fill out a missing penis report.

The desk sergeant asked if I had a photograph

of my penis.

'No,' I said feeling embarrassed for not having one.

He said it was common and

arranged for a police artist to do a sketch.

The police sketch artist's room was in the cellar.

She was young and shapely with auburn hair

and a band of freckles

across her cheeks and nose.

'So tell me about your penis,' she said,

while sharpening her pencil.

A week later I was eating breakfast alone

at home

when I saw the sketch of my penis

on the back of a milk carton.

It looked magnificent:

Long and thick with veins like gym ropes.

As I finished my last spoonful of cereal

my doorbell rang, and when I opened up

I was greeted by every woman in the world;

All insistent on helping me find

my penis.

We linked hands and walked around the earth,

scouring every possible place

like police looking for clues to a murder.

We did not find my penis. And I returned home

to a life of loneliness and want.

Several weeks later the police came to my house.

They showed me a photograph of

what appeared to be my penis.

'It's been stripped down for parts and what was left was set on fire,'

The policewoman said.

She looked me up and down.

'Is this your penis?' she asked.

'I think so.'

Her look said she wanted more.

'Yes it is,' I said. 'That is my penis.'

She smiled and unclipped her handcuffs.

'In which case you are under arrest.'

'Under arrest! On what charge.'

She clipped the handcuffs on to my wrists

and walked me to the front door.

'You are under arrest for wasting police time

by lying to a police artist.'


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## Firemajic (Jul 20, 2016)

extremely unique and highly amusing....


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## Phil Istine (Jul 20, 2016)

Well, that was ... different.


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## Firemajic (Jul 20, 2016)

Okkk, well, I was not going to state the obvious, but I just can't resist.. . SOOoo, the message that I get from this poem is: 1: You think your penis is larger than it really is. 2: You lie about the size of your penis......................


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## Nellie (Jul 20, 2016)

A rather dubious, nonsensical poem. This line tells all for me:



> 'You are under arrest for wasting police time'



A total waste of my time.


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## Ian8777 (Jul 20, 2016)

Nellie said:


> A rather dubious, nonsensical poem. This line tells all for me:
> 
> 
> 
> A total waste of my time.




I am enjoying writing nonsense poetry at the moment... 


It makes more sense to me that trying to write about things that have been written too many times by too many people...


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## PiP (Jul 20, 2016)

Ian, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem it made me laugh out loud! Are you familiar with the works of Pam Ayres?

One nit 



> 'Under arrest! On what charge.'


 Should there be a question mark after charge?


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## kaminoshiyo (Jul 20, 2016)

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that your "penis" was a metaphor for your car- which would make the ending make sense. 

Either way, this was cool. I can't call it poetry, but it was definitely funny. As a short story, this would rock.


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## Ian8777 (Jul 21, 2016)

Thanks all...
This was a result of my morning two or three pages of automatic writing. I have cleaned it up a little, but its basically what just fell out of me one morning... Not sure myself what it is or where it belongs!


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## Ian8777 (Jul 21, 2016)

PiP said:


> Ian, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem it made me laugh out loud! Are you familiar with the works of Pam Ayres?
> 
> One nit
> 
> Should there be a question mark after charge?



Hi Pip....

I am familiar with Pam Ayres. She is a household name in the UK. Not read much of her work though... will take a look!


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## Ian8777 (Jul 21, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> If I didn't know any better, I'd say that your "penis" was a metaphor for your car- which would make the ending make sense.
> 
> Either way, this was cool. I can't call it poetry, but it was definitely funny. As a short story, this would rock.



I think you have just given me a theme! I like the car metaphor a lot! Its often said that men with big cars are compensating for something! I will explore this! thanks..


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