# An experiment, a short child's story called "The Turtle"



## Deadally (Jul 22, 2010)

Yeah, so as the thread title says, this is intended for children, but I thought it was a neat little idea anyway...a good exercise in writing SOMETHING when you don't have grand plans.  How do you guys feel about it?

The Turtle

	A turtle lives under my bed.  He's quite the old animal, and he tells me stories of his childhood.  I found out he was one hundred years old, and he had seen everything during that time.  He remembered digging in the sand, which was fun except when the beach got too hot.  The turtle used to like the sun, of course, but he would get thirsty if he stayed out too long.  Then he would have to crawl all the way off the beach to find some fresh water.  Turtles move pretty slowly.

	That turtle remembered learning how to swim, also.  It was not very easy at first, going into the ocean.  It's such a big and cold place that he wondered if he would ever be able to swim.  He liked the sand of the beach a lot more.  He needed to swim, though, because turtles are supposed to swim.  It was scary, for the waves seemed to bite and roar like lions.  They wanted to eat him right up, the turtle thought.  But the water was cool, and the turtle soon learned how to swim very well.  Whenever he got too hot he only needed to take a swim.

	The turtle told me he was too old to go swimming anymore.  He asked me nicely if he was allowed to stay and live under my bed.  There were crickets that he liked to eat.  I was happy to let this friend into my life.  I even gave him a dish of fresh water every day so he wouldn't have to crawl and search for a drink.  

-----

	Yesterday, my turtle told me he would like to swim again.  I decided to take him to the ocean today to let him get a swim.  He was as excited as an old turtle can get, but I saw that he was a little nervous.  I asked him “What's wrong?” 

	He replied, “My old body is weak from age, and the waves might break my bones!”

	I told him everything would be just fine and helped him into the water.  I made sure the waves did not hit him, and he smiled.  After a little bit he told me, “It sure is nice to see the sun again.  I've been under that bed so long I forgot how bright it gets.  It's warm, too.”

	The turtle flapped his arms and started swimming.  I watched him go away into the ocean, hoping he would find a new friend.  I walked on the beach by myself, and when the sun began to set I went home.


Biting criticism?


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## garza (Jul 22, 2010)

You need to do some basic research on turtles and tortoises. 

The turtle lives in or very near the water and is not well suited to life in a dry climate or on a hard surface. Turtles have flippers instead of feet. They can walk well enough in sand but tend to slip and slide on a smooth floor. Of course if you sweep under your bed no more often than I do then a turtle might just find it comfortable.

Tortoises cannot breathe under water, nor can they swim very well. They have feet adapted for life on the land. They can store water better than a turtle.

If you goooogle for 'turtle and tortoise' you will find a wealth of information


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## Arvind (Jul 22, 2010)

Herpetological inaccuracies aside, I enjoyed this piece. It was simply worded (which is appropriate considering your audience) and sort of touching. There's probably some astonishing allegory stashed away amid those lines that I'm too tired to figure out at the moment.

I'm a proud owner of a Red-eared terrapin meself.


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## Deadally (Jul 22, 2010)

Garza, why would I care about the facts about turtles in this case?  For children, it's more approachable if you anthropomorphize the animals at least a little.  Otherwise you might as well read them a Nature article.  In addition, the kind of turtle I had in mind was the sea turtle, not the land turtle.  

Arvind, in my experience turtles tend to get pretty smelly.  They're awesome in general, though!


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## Chelsey Hartman (Jul 22, 2010)

Garza, as far as I know, turtles also don't speak to children.  As the subject said, this is a children's story.  It's called suspension of disbelief.  You should try it.


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## garza (Jul 22, 2010)

Suspension of disbelief is fine, but I've never seen it proven that having accurate information ruins a story. The child will understand that turtles don't really talk, except in the child's imagination, but it would seem to me that a story about a talking turtle might be just the place to introduce a bit of information about turtles. It dosen't have to be a science article, but it should not point the child in the wrong direction so that he 'learns' something he has to unlearn later. 

As far as the story goes, it has its own problems, but that's for others who have experience with juvenile fiction to comment on. I'm working on a gardening book for children in collaboration with a lady who has published many children's books. I supply the pictures and the draft text. She puts it into language for children in both English and Spanish. 

I wrote something similar a few years ago called 'There's a 'possum in my Drawers'. It was the true story of a half-grown 'possum who moved into my loft in Cayo and made a nest in the bottom drawer of my desk. He eventually outgrew that and took up residence in the corner behind the microwave in the kitchen. 

He was never a pet. I don't believe in making pets of wild animals. We got along fine. He would slip out at night to hunt mice and, presumably, female 'possums. All male 'possums are bachelors, you know, never settling down with a single mate as do some animals and a few people.


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## Eluixa (Jul 25, 2010)

Deadally, I am going to have to agree with garza on the research. As a mother buying a book for my child, I'd probably not buy it on account of it being misleading. I am a homeschooler and love stories about animals, but done by someone that knows something about them. For instance, like the story Stellaluna.
I do like the premise of the story though, and wonder if you could set the scene in a beach house? Maybe somewhere an old sea turtle could actually get to, like under the porch? Or maybe under the bed in a beach hut on some tropical island? Illustrations in children's books are pretty critical, especially if the story is for someone under about 8. And so you could say alot with pictures that you would not have to put it text.
I can be really literal though and I've heard children's stories are some of the hardest to write.


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## Living on a Prayer (Jul 25, 2010)

I really liked it. I agree and I don't agree with Garza. It makes sense to make it more accurate, but the concept of it just being a kid's story is true too. A little work and this could be very good.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 25, 2010)

anthropomorphism is one thing, mis-information is another. Attention to what you tell child readers is arguably more important than with adults, they have less experience to base their own judgement on.
Why is the story not for tall children?:wink:


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## vanityvellum (Jul 26, 2010)

I think you have a really solid premise. For me the narrative was a little sporadic, although I am one of those weird people who likes their children's books to have a point. (a lot of authors I work with tell me that their book "doesn't have a point. It is just supposed to be funny." This is something to which I am inherently opposed. However, I think you have a great message about perseverance hidden in there. The question I was asking myself as I read was "how did the turtle end up under the bed in the first place? and who is this kid that lets it live there?" it would be so interesting to see a sentence or two that give the background. this will allow kids to imagine that their own turtle (or otherwise underbed dwelling animal) could come tell them stories. also, at the ending i would suggest adding more conflict/emotion. why does the turtle feel the need to get back to the ocean? is that where his family is? why don't they just go for a swim and then go home together? isn't the kid sad that his pet/friend is leaving him forever? for a child, he seems to be taking things rather in stride. allow the ending of the story to show growth. but you have an adorable story started there. in my opinion, which does not seem to be at all humble in this case.


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## garza (Jul 26, 2010)

There are statements in two posts here that, frankly, I find disturbing. One is by Deadally who says, 'why would I care about the facts about turtles in this case?' meaning, I presume, that since the story is for children the facts don't matter. 

The facts do matter. They matter very much. I could never write with such total disregard for the reader. I don't care if the reader is five years old or 50. If I have no respect for the reader then I should not call myself a writer. 

Then Living on a Prayer says, 'It makes sense to make it more accurate, but the concept of it just being a kid's story is true too.' Again this shows a lack of respect for the reader. Since it's just a kid's story, just put down any old thing. I'll never buy that.

'Suspension of disbelief' was mentioned. Children find talking animals in stories amusing. Even a very young child understands that animals don't talk and that a talking turtle or duck or bear is a bit of make-believe. 

Information about the world that's not so obvious needs to be correct.   

I haven't mentioned this before but there is a jarring contradiction in the story itself that needs attention. At the beginning of the story the turtle is old and tired.
'The turtle told me he was too old to go swimming anymore.'
 At the end of the story he goes swimming merrily away, not a bit old and tired. 
'The turtle flapped his arms and started swimming.'
I'm not a fiction writer but I can do a better job of plotting than that.

And by the way, turtles don't have arms. They have flippers. Tortoises have arms.


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## The Backward OX (Jul 26, 2010)

Olly Buckle said:


> Why is the story not for tall children?:wink:


 
Beat me to it, you did. My age is definitely beginning to show.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 26, 2010)

garza said:


> There are statements in two posts here that, frankly, I find disturbing. One is by Deadally who says, 'why would I care about the facts about turtles in this case?' meaning, I presume, that since the story is for children the facts don't matter.
> 
> The facts do matter. They matter very much. I could never write with such total disregard for the reader. I don't care if the reader is five years old or 50. If I have no respect for the reader then I should not call myself a writer.
> 
> Then Living on a Prayer says, 'It makes sense to make it more accurate, but the concept of it just being a kid's story is true too.' Again this shows a lack of respect for the reader. Since it's just a kid's story, just put down any old thing. I'll never buy that.



Yes, that is what I meant, respect for the reader, children are also people and also deserve respect.


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## Deadally (Jul 27, 2010)

I appreciate the critiques, all.  No doubt!

Garza,  Olly, I'm not actively disrespecting the reader or simply putting down anything on paper.  It's not a trash dump for my cruddy ideas.  My intention was to come up with a story that I would be willing to read to my children, not necessarily to have them read it themselves (hence going against the tall children idea).  I intend to be a father at some juncture, probably in the relatively near future, and I wondered what I could do with a sort of impromptu story.  I would give my own children the benefit of the doubt to understand that turtles don't live under the bed, or at least to question me as such.  The intention, overall, is to be somewhat cartoony and messy, as opposed to sterile.  I wouldn't mind reading Charlotte's Web or something like that to my kids, and that is outlandish and nowhere near factual.  Other illustrated stories meant for children also don't make a lick of sense.  That's why I suggest that facts don't matter in this kind of story.  The child doesn't care if sea turtles doesn't have arms (and the narrator calls them arms because of his own naivety).  In addition, the plotting contradiction you mentioned, Garza, was intentional.  He feels old and tired but is perfectly able to get out in the ocean once he actually gets there.

I appreciate the intellectual discourse presented here!  I simply disagree with some of the ideas.  I would like to hear further arguments against or for what I have suggested, if you guys have more to say.

Vanity, that is a good idea.  That might, in fact, quell some of the red flags for other readers...if I, for instance, said that a man put the turtle under the bed before the narrator moved into the house or something and that the turtle was scared to leave.  Hm!

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, everyone!


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## garza (Jul 27, 2010)

You are on the right road, but now stop, read, and consider why 'Charlotte's Web' does not violate the concept of giving children wrong ideas.

You confuse correctness with sterility. Why should that be so? If you say the turtle waved his flipper instead of saying he waved his arm, does that make the line sterile? I think not. 

As in all other writing, so it is with children's literature. Read before you write.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 27, 2010)

When my little girl was a little girl (She is eighteen now) I used to say "Hop into bed quick and I will tell you an interesting fact". The idea was that instead of rewarding her for learning to make knowledge the reward. In the end she would say "Tell me an interesting fact, nothing boring and nothing I have heard before". It could get quite challenging.
 They don't have to be your own facts, Rudyard Kipling's Puck of Pook's hill and Rewards and Fairies are still a good intro to history a century after they were written.
 On the other hand if you want fantasy she still has her copy of "Ace Dragon Limited" not a sensible fact in it, even when he explains the last word of his name means he can do some thing , but not everything, then you find that what he can do is spin gold into straw. If it is off the wall kids like it totally off the wall, little girls who go down rabbit holes or through mirrors, spiders that write messages in their webs, kids that mix marvellous medicines, foxes that dig whole subway systems under farms. I would say factual or fantasy are fine, don't try too hard for a message, you find they work their way in there anyway and don't simplify the ideas, only the vocabulary, kids are quite capable of grasping a concept, they don't always have the words. Well, that's my take anyway.


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