# The Truth About Hospitals



## Hairball (Mar 19, 2016)

Hospitals are truly miraculous places, where lives are saved every day. I get that. 

The problems come AFTER your life has been saved. Believe me, I believed all that hype about how modern civilization has done away with torture devices such as the wheel and the Iron Maiden. I truly believed.

I was actually HAPPY about how far we've come. It's a great time to be alive!

Right.

Shortly after I was moved to the step-down unit after ICU, here comes a butt doctor. Now why in the hell is a butt doctor coming in with a nurse after I had brain surgery? He wants to make sure I can poop.

Oh, I can poop, all right. I made a CNA's life a nightmare with the help of a bedpan just a few hours before, and I was pretty damned proud of it.

What does pooping have to do with my brain? My brain told me to poop. I pooped. How hard is this, anyway?

After that debacle, I went to figuring out all the positions of my hospital bed. I pressed the button for the upper part to rise, and found out pretty damn fast what an ejector seat in a fighter jet feels like. It rose, all right. Nuff said.

So then I experimented with the other controls. I think I got folded up more than an IRS letter. Hospital beds are evil. Except for the spikes, the hospital bed is our modern-day Iron Maiden. They are designed to kill you and if you don't have those reinforced windows in your room, you're likely to end up on the top floor of the parking deck in a hospital gown.

Of course, when that happens to me, there'll be some asshat reporter there and all of a sudden I'll be the queen of the 6:00 news. That would really suck on a resume.

Then there's something called 'hospital food.' This isn't food. This is a weird assortment of things that look maybe familiar to me, but when I ate it, oh God. I'm sure that 'beef patty' was roadkill. I know I saw that possum in a neighbor's yard last month. Vegetables ... now there's a play on words. It should be 'vegetable mush.' 

And all that Jello and chicken and beef broth. I've lost almost 15 pounds. How the hell can I regain my healthy weight eating this? This stuff is for that tummy flu that hits us now and then. Give me a big fat steak and a sweet potato! That'll do it!

Then there are needles. Poke, poke, poke. My blood is fine! I had brain surgery, for God's sake. I'm on blood thinners already, so stop robbing me of more blood! I need my blood! Leave it alone!

Geez! So then I'm moved to a regular room. I am forgetful, but I'm not a babbling imbecile! Give me back my laptop and my books! How am I supposed to regain memory and whatever the hell else was I lost if you take away stimulus and leave me with only the TV?

I throw things at TVs. Now I'm really miserable. So I call my husband and yell, "Get me the **** outta here!"

And I'm able to get up and use the bathroom by myself, but here comes a CNA with a bedpan. It's on my chart. Don't these people know how to read?

"In case you forget," she said.

REALLY?

Luckily we had a conversation with my doctors and they agreed to let me come home. It's a good thing. I would have wound up hurting somebody, or somebodies, and I've heard prison hospitals aren't always the best.

And I still want to know, what does my butt have to do with my brain?

Last time I checked, I didn't have my head up my ass. My ass was where it was supposed to be, and so was my head.

I never got that.


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## Harper J. Cole (Mar 19, 2016)

I never even knew there was such a thing as a butt doctor. I've led a sheltered life! :shock:


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## Hairball (Mar 19, 2016)

HarperCole said:


> I never even knew there was such a thing as a butt doctor. I've led a sheltered life! :shock:



They're called proctologists and they're sick people who like looking at butts. If I had a job looking in butts all day, I'd have to live on an island. Just saying.

BTW, this is open to critique.


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## Harper J. Cole (Mar 19, 2016)

SPaG looks flawless as ever to me, and you tell the story clearly and with personality. It's good writing. :thumbl:


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## Hairball (Mar 19, 2016)

Thank you! 

I fixed my poem, too.

Go look!


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## loulou59loujodry (Mar 24, 2016)

I LOVED this.  Great writing and a great wit!


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## midnightpoet (Mar 24, 2016)

I didn't see any problems with the writing, and I can relate and so can my wife.  The last time she was in the hospital she was served carrots apparently soaked in sugar they were so sweet.  Since my wife is diabetic, you would have thought the hospital would notice that.  In 1975, she walked around for several weeks with a busted appendix because the doctor she went to must have thought she had a tummy ache.  She should have sued his a$$, but didn't.  Sorry for the mini-rant.


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## playerslayer666 (Mar 29, 2016)

I grew up being in and out of hospitals while having brain surgery. I am immune to hospital food and well educated on how to operate a bed, and somehow as a small child I had a vague understanding of patient rights and sometimes gave the poor nurses a hard time.

This post made me laugh. Thank you for writing this.


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## Hairball (Mar 31, 2016)

midnightpoet said:


> I didn't see any problems with the writing, and I can relate and so can my wife.  The last time she was in the hospital she was served carrots apparently soaked in sugar they were so sweet.  Since my wife is diabetic, you would have thought the hospital would notice that.  In 1975, she walked around for several weeks with a busted appendix because the doctor she went to must have thought she had a tummy ache.  She should have sued his a$$, but didn't.  Sorry for the mini-rant.



Good Heavens! A dang tummy ache? She could have died from peritonitis! And sugar-soaked carrots? Holy crap! Well, you have every dang right to rant all you want, and you may. Geez! WTF is wrong with some doctors?

Mercy!!!



playerslayer666 said:


> I grew up being in and out of hospitals while having brain surgery. I am immune to hospital food and well educated on how to operate a bed, and somehow as a small child I had a vague understanding of patient rights and sometimes gave the poor nurses a hard time.
> 
> This post made me laugh. Thank you for writing this.



I'm sorry you went through that. God bless you, honey, and I'm so glad you're here with us. Life is so precious, and not only am I thankful for you, but I'm also thankful for others who made it through. You keep on, and I will too, ok?


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