# Writing as a career and family disapproval ...



## ika (Jun 23, 2012)

So basically, I just graduated college and luckily found a job to transition over to. It's not the best starting position (though the pay is decent), as it requires lots of time on your feet, is not your typical 9-5 (I get off anywhere from 5-11 probably), and may require travel and several transfers in the future ... but it's something.   

Here's the problem: I grew up in a conservative family where higher education was always expected, not given as an option. They were not happy when they found out I got this job and thought I was settling. In a way, I was - it wasn't ideal for me, but it's all I could find (there's a more dramatic back story here, but I'll spare you guys of it ...) Most of my family members work stable white collar jobs. I, on the other hand, want to be a writer. Which is essentially equated to waitress/aspiring actor/singer, or anything else "not decent or respectable" according to society (or should I say, according to them). I graduated with a business degree but don't really aspire to put all of my energy and focus on advancing that career, because of course the majority of my free time is centered around finishing the book I'm currently writing.

Long story short, they think my current job sucks and I'm settling, that writing as a full time career is stupid and a long shot, and I should be rapidfire applying to other companies for a better more "decent" job than working on my book, which they openly mocked when I mentioned it (huge mistake, I should have never). 

I know it's probably easy to say, "Screw your parents, do what you want." But their opinion matters of me. I was close to them for most of my life, and not uncommonly, I want them to be proud and happy for me. They're not supportive though, not in the least bit, and they were very vocal with their disapproval. I've been sending out resumes to search for more stable jobs (to eliminate the possibility of travel) but it's rough out there. Nothing's guaranteed. I wouldn't mind working this job for experience and applying elsewhere when I have time, but not so frantically like they keep urging me to. 

On the other hand, I know there are very few people who "make it" as a writer in terms of a full time career. It's a big dream to have, and even bigger to accomplish. Life's rough these days. Which is why I have a job to lean back on, but the whole thing goes full circle now and I'm left here feeling bummed and stuck in a rut.

I guess my question to you all is what do you think of writing (novels, fiction, essays, etc.) as a career, and have you ever gone through familial disapproval because of your choice?

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## dale (Jun 23, 2012)

they're concerned for your well-being. (you already know that, i believe) my advice would be not to take
their concern personally. you just follow your path and hopefully your path will lead to success, so they can
stop worrying. i understand both sides of this coin now. when i was young, i wanted to be a musician. my
parents weren't real thrilled with the idea. in my case, they were right. but in your case, YOU could be right;
and that's what matters.


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## ika (Jun 23, 2012)

Aw, thanks dale. 

I do know that ... they've always been concerned. I've been a strange one in the family to say the least. I just don't want to feel like I'm making a mistake. You can't pour your time and energy into everything (in this case, looking for a new career and writing a QUALITY piece of work), so it's making that decision. There are no right answers.

In their eyes if I follow my own path it's going to lead me straight into a ditch. In my eyes, I really don't know because it's a huge risk. Nobody really knows if they truly have the chops and luck to turn their thoughts into something great.


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## garza (Jun 23, 2012)

If you are talking about fiction, there are a relative few who make it as a full time career. However, there are plenty of opportunities for non-fiction writers of all sorts.

My first newspaper story was published about a month after I turned 14. I'm 72 now. I've lived quite well and I've never needed a job. Think about a career as a non-fiction writer while you continue to polish your fiction. I've been trying to learn to write fiction for the past few years, and while my non-fiction years of experience haven't taught me the fine points of fiction, they have provided me with a solid foundation in the use of the language for other work apart from newspaper and magazine articles.


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## Penwillz (Jun 23, 2012)

I can see both sides. I don't know if they really think of it as stupid. It sounds like they only want you to be succesful, but I'm sure you know that. 

To answer your question, I find writing fiction to be more of a dream to keep me optimistic during daily life. Feeling a joy to express your art and having it read by anyone, and everyone you can reach out to. My family doesn't really oppose to my writing because they know I'm not just banking everything on it. Which is most likely what scares your parents, it xould be that they don't want you to be crushed if you can't accomplish this very hard career. I wouldn't take it too hard. 

My advice is to maybe just keep it a hobby/dream until you have time to pursue more, meanwhile going for a job that you wouldn't mind working and making a primary career first.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 24, 2012)

One of the hardest things is walking down a path a mentor or family do not want you to. You want their support and affirmation, especially when wandering where success is not promised. 
In the end, it's your call. It seems like you were subconsciously applying the brakes on your education so you could pursue writing.  I believe we need to listen carefully to our instincts and emotions well, and try to determine if they are worth opposing or pursuing. Chill, meditate, reflect.
As long as you've kept your options open (at least got decent grades/experience during university), then I don't see a problem with going off to do a bit of writing either as you work or when you get enough time at the company to have reputable experience (nest egging it). If writing works out for you, then kudos. If not, you could pursue and entry level job again and try to work your way up. I don't think you'd be emotionally invested business it if you tried to suppress your desire to write now.


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## wyf (Jun 24, 2012)

Your parents are right. 

You already said the translating job isn't ideal, it's all you could get. 99% of writers do not earn a living from writing. Get a good job, write on the side like everyone else does. if you make it, give up the job, poke your folks in the eye.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 24, 2012)

^ most parents are to some degree.

I think part of what ika's suffering from is the _right_ to make one's own decisions, mistakes or not. Parents try their best to guide you to the best of their abilities, but forget that you are an individual with your own mind. 

Also, you kept your options open. And, as, a wise older person told me, now's the time to make mistakes, explore and experiment. After you get the spouse, house and kids, it's pretty hard to.


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## ika (Jun 24, 2012)

@garza - I am trying to make it as a fiction writer, ack. I have to wonder - with the zillions of books out there, I'm just curious to know how many authors are actually seeing enough profit to make a stable living out of writing? They have to keep churning things out. Stephen King is the only author that really pops into my mind (maybe I should read more ... I'm a writer who barely reads. That is a problem.), but he's basically a machine. Even the books that get turned into movies (maybe not Harry Potter or Hunger Games caliber, but you know ... The Davinci Code or The Devil Wears Prada, for instance.) Is it enough to keep going? I actually dabbled in journalism near the tail end of college with no experience ... at a smaller publication nonetheless, but my work was somewhat well received and I became editor in chief before I graduated. That ended on a lukewarm note, however. Maybe I could go halfway and try to work in a writing-related business ...

That's a very inventive alternative, though! Thanks for that, maybe I could try applying to some jobs that meet halfway. 

@  Penwillz - I think when I outright said I wanted to be a writer, it really did scare the crap out of them. Because I was making it sound like I was going to drop everything and lock myself up in a room and just write all day and night. I definitely see their point ... maybe things don't have to be so extreme. It's definitely not hurting to apply around for something more stable, let's just hope I get some bites.

@ Guy - It's really funny you said that ... I actually struggled a lot through college because I couldn't find my calling and ultimately became a terrible student because I lost all motivation to do anything. It was quite ironic, because I was a very good student in high school. But somehow through everything I did (or did not, I should say) do, I continually circled back around to writing. Even if it was just blogging or writing in a diary. I never once had a passion for business ... I majored in it because it was practical. I once had a mental breakdown and almost switched to Sociology, but decided not to (familial influence definitely was a factor there ...) I got inspired to write my book a few weeks before I graduated. Even when I was younger, I loved writing. I didn't write all the time, but when I did it felt so natural to me. It's definitely a hobby. As a career path, it's less stable. 

You're right, the decision is up to me. The main problem I have with this job is now is it's going to be potentially distracting because I may have to uproot my life and move multiple times. That takes away precious time to focus on what I want, of course. It's a lot to think about. 

@ wyf - haha, that's one way to do it for sure. I would actually consider myself a real novice at writing, because although I've been doing it all my life, it's been a little sporadic. Therefore, working on my novel every day has been a bit of a challenge because I want it to come out right (and not cheesy, god my biggest fear is of the cheese.) The point is I use a lot of my energy thinking about what I'm going to write, then write it and it comes out nicely, and boom, half my day is gone. I don't know how I'm going to this with a full time job if it takes me so long to bang out 500 words of good stuff. The only way I'm doing this right now is because I don't officially start work until mid July. It's like my last chance to have all this luxurious free time. 

Maybe that goes away with more practice? Because we can't all have magical fingers and produce gold 24/7. 

I feel like I'm being way too much of an open book with the interwebz, but ... what the heck. Thanks for the responses guys! Your insight has been a great help.


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## Bloggsworth (Jun 24, 2012)

It's your life - Stand or fall by your own decisions.


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## ika (Jun 24, 2012)

@ Guy - Yes, that is definitely another factor. 

During our conversation (fight) today, my dad kept repeatedly saying, "I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to learn the hard way." It would have sounded pretty foolish of me to say, "but I want to learn the hard way." so I resisted, but part of me did. It's just all so cliched post-collegiate lost and confusing right now. For a lot of my life my parents were pretty micro-managing, and it felt a little exhausting for this to still be happening. Especially now that I am an adult.

But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years. 

Also Guy, this extends to other aspects of my life too. Do you believe in dropping everything to take risks and try things (because I definitely want to), or do you believe that you should always have something to lean back on?


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 24, 2012)

ika said:


> @ Guy - Yes, that is definitely another factor.
> 
> During our conversation (fight) today, my dad kept repeatedly saying, "I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to learn the hard way." It would have sounded pretty foolish of me to say, "but I want to learn the hard way." so I resisted, but part of me did. It's just all so cliched post-collegiate lost and confusing right now. For a lot of my life my parents were pretty micro-managing, and it felt a little exhausting for this to still be happening. Especially now that I am an adult.



I wouldn't say that. Going from school to work is a big transition, and even if they are good, changes are hard. 
Here's a little story; my parents are immigrants to Canada. They lived in a rural setting where life was hard, and everything, regardless on how tiny, had to be toiled for. They came over and made a small life for themselves, raised me and my siblings. They always told us what we should be doing, how it should be done, but never why, without any room for negotiation. I know it's because they don't want us to experience the hardships of common life, but it's still pretty suffocating. Part of you wants to go out and explore and experience for yourself and yet you are constantly on that dog leash being reeled back.  

The emotions within a family make it hard. The parent is trying to maintain a sense of authority and legitimacy  while the child is trying to establish confidence in their own direction  and decisions, but sometimes, being direct with questions and laying it all out (emotions and all) can help break down the barrier between parent and child. To chip at the divide (and if you haven't) maybe ask your father about those hardships after dinner, ask him about his childhood, growing up, all of it.



ika said:


> But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years.



Same as in my culture. I call it the "exchange"; that they care for you when your weak and learning so you can establish yourself so that you can take care of them when they aren't able to. It must be difficult to not live up to what they expected from you. But your life... no life is a simple script that can be followed. There's always going to be that odd element that shakes it all up, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Legends are not made by those who played it safe; humbling life lessons are not always learned by the direction of others. 

Being a writer, you might have to accept them, as in, you might have to  accept the prospect that they will not acknowledge what you are trying  to do. Some parents cannot get past the idea that their children growing  up and making their own decisions, especially when they are so contrary to what  they intend.



ika said:


> Also Guy, this extends to other aspects of my life too. Do you believe in dropping everything to take risks and try things (because I definitely want to), or do you believe that you should always have something to lean back on?



Hard question. In short, there are people who can live life according to a set of goals, with redundancies, back ups, and hit their targets consistently, then, there are those who are bound to live by the skin of their teeth, and then everyone else in between. The intimidating and exciting part of life is not knowing where exactly you stand on this. Could you play it safe and succeed? Could going all in play off as well? Or the best path a mixture of doing what you hate to do what you love? 
When you decide to strike out and make your own decisions, you also have to accept the fears, the consequences, the uncertainty as well as the potential pay offs and self-affirmation that come with it, which is hard when many of the small and important decisions have been made for you thus far. 

Anyways, it's pretty late here, and I have to get to bed.  I'm going through much of this myself, hope you actually can relate to this and I'm not just rambling on. 
G'night, and g'luck!


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 24, 2012)

> But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years.


Kilbran in 'The Prophet' has a nice take on this, he compares parents to an archer firing a bow, children to the arrow being fired. He puts everything he can into pulling back the string and taking aim, but once he has loosed the arrow it is beyond his control.


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## ika (Jun 24, 2012)

It's currently 4:30 where I am right now and I have loads of things to say, but I'm going to respond to this tomorrow because I'm about to pass out.

Thanks again though, and good night


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## shadowwalker (Jun 24, 2012)

I think dreams are great - tempered with realism. Perhaps that's what has your parents concerned, rather than the writing per se. Everyone, no matter what their dreams, needs to be able to support themselves. So explain that you realize you need something stable because earning a living as a fiction author is iffy at best, and that this job is the one you have now - to support yourself while looking for something better. It might sound like dismissing the writing career, but it's just putting things in a perspective that more realistic and that will (hopefully) get your parents off your back. Equally hopefully - for your sake - I hope you do accept that this job is only the first one, and that you will combine the dream of being a writer with the realities of life (and publishing).


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## KathyReynolds (Jun 24, 2012)

As a mnother my idea of raising successful children is that they should grow up to be happy and satisfied with their lives. Part of success is doing what your heart tells you to do. The flip side is being able to support yourself while doing it. I support my grown children in following their dreams but I also encorage their success by not giving financial support because to do so would limit their need to stand tall on their own.

You are young and have lots of time to find what works best for you. If what pleases you most is to work at a minimal job that pays your own bills and gives you the time to create then go for it. If you decide it is a mistake you have lots of time to change course. It's never too late to do something new.

Case in point. My husband spent 4 years studying his chosen field. Once out of school he got a job in that field and hated every moment of it.  Friends annd family said "But you must. It's what you were trained for. We spent all our time and money getting you here." I said "go for it." he did. We are not rich but we are happy. We raised 3 of our 4 daughters and the 4th one will be on her own soon. That my dear is success. Work because you must but write because you have to.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 24, 2012)

Dreams tempered with realism are no longer the dreams. Everyone either supports themselves or dies, and very few people die of starvation or hypothermia outside the third world. The reality is that unsuccessful dreamers will probably die a little younger and will have fewer material possessions, whether their quality of life is better or worse will depend on whether the important thing was to follow the dream or to be successful by means of the dream, if you are willing to write advertising copy and instruction manuals to live, while writing what you want the rest of the time, it will probably work, if it is important to you to sell in huge numbers, be recognised in the street, get a Nobel prize for literature and two Bookers the chances are very long.

 I can understand your parent's anxiety, people make wrong choices, will you cope with the lack of security, if you fall in love and have a family will your family cope with it? There must be many such questions running through their mind. It is a long time now that they have been trying to anticipate your difficulties and solve them for you, partly it is habit, partly it is, probably, that they care very much about you. Treasure that, try not to view them as an impediment, you will miss them terribly when they are no longer there, try and make the most of them.


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## JosephB (Jun 24, 2012)

You know that very few people simply dive into full-time writing. That means you’re going to need a job, regardless. The job you choose doesn’t have much to do with whether or not you pursue writing. Does this current job give you all kinds of extra time to write? If not -- what difference does it make? If you can get a job that pays more -- why not do it? 

And what difference does it make to your family if you write when you’re not working? It's your time, isn't it? I’m betting most people (including your family) will think your writing is just a hobby anyway – until you’re published and getting something from it. 

I'm sure there are plenty of examples of successful authors who had relatively demanding jobs (most are these days) and it didn't stop them from pursuing their "dream." So what's the dilemma?

PS -- I’ve looked for a job while working -- and really hard too. In my experience, the old adage that finding a job is a full time job is baloney – it's aimed at people who are lying around watching TV instead of looking. Making your calls, sending out your resume, doing your networking etc. only takes so much time if you do it on a daily basis. You’ll have time to write, if that’s what you really want to do.


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## bo_7md (Jun 24, 2012)

I think the point here is you can do both easily. There are many ways you can be happy and secure, some of which are:

1-Get a good job and write on the side.
2-Get a job in the writing world and write novels on the side. You don't have to be a writer but this can open doors for you later on.
3-Get a stable job & Freelance as a writer, editor, blogger until you can make a name for yourself or at least get a steady number of jobs editing, writing, blogging...etc.--if you're determined you can even save some cash from your previous job to help you open your own business.

Following your dreams is nice, but having a plan and knowing how to do it is better.


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## wyf (Jun 25, 2012)

ika said:


> I don't know how I'm going to this with a full time job if it takes me so long to bang out 500 words of good stuff.



Thew same way everyone else does. We get up early, go to bed late, go out less, do what it takes. 



ika said:


> Because we can't all have magical fingers and produce gold 24/7.



Silly boy. None of us do. If we did, we'd be counting the money earned by writing, not hanging round here hoping for some of the magic to happen.


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## Loulou (Jun 25, 2012)

I'd like to just repeat what many have said, that very very few writers get by on money they make from it.  Even those with published novels.  I have a good friend whose novel was published by biggie Random House, but it still didn't make him enough to give up his day job of teaching here and there.  So write because you love to do it.  Write regardless of what others think.  Write because you can't not.  If you're letting anything or anyone influence whether you write or not, then you don't feel passionately enough about it in my humble opinion.  If it really bothers you, what your family say, then don't tell them.  Work your day job, and write in private.  Put your effort into proving them wrong by writing some great stuff.  Do what makes you happy.  If you were my kid, that alone would make me happy.  Good luck.


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## JosephB (Jun 25, 2012)

Well, I don’t think my kids are going to get any of these crazy writing notions. We might need support in our old age, so I do my best to stomp out any spark of creativity I see.


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## ika (Jun 25, 2012)

wyf said:


> Thew same way everyone else does. We get up early, go to bed late, go out less, do what it takes.
> 
> 
> 
> Silly boy. None of us do. If we did, we'd be counting the money earned by writing, not hanging round here hoping for some of the magic to happen.



Silly _girl_, wyf  But alas, what I'm saying is it really doesn't come easy for me as I thought. I think it just takes loads of practice and trial and error. There are no other options though, so do what you gotta do, I guess.


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## ika (Jun 25, 2012)

Guy Faukes said:


> I wouldn't say that. Going from school to work is a big transition, and even if they are good, changes are hard.
> Here's a little story; my parents are immigrants to Canada. They lived in a rural setting where life was hard, and everything, regardless on how tiny, had to be toiled for. They came over and made a small life for themselves, raised me and my siblings. They always told us what we should be doing, how it should be done, but never why, without any room for negotiation. I know it's because they don't want us to experience the hardships of common life, but it's still pretty suffocating. Part of you wants to go out and explore and experience for yourself and yet you are constantly on that dog leash being reeled back.



Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like you and I are a lot alike! You summed it up quite perfectly actually ... I would say in later life especially, quite a bit of the dog leashing became my own doing out of guilt.



> Same as in my culture. I call it the "exchange"; that they care for you when your weak and learning so you can establish yourself so that you can take care of them when they aren't able to. It must be difficult to not live up to what they expected from you. But your life... no life is a simple script that can be followed. There's always going to be that odd element that shakes it all up, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Legends are not made by those who played it safe; humbling life lessons are not always learned by the direction of others.
> 
> Being a writer, you might have to accept them, as in, you might have to  accept the prospect that they will not acknowledge what you are trying  to do. Some parents cannot get past the idea that their children growing  up and making their own decisions, especially when they are so contrary to what  they intend.



Yes. It was my original dream to become a full time writer one day ... it's all that I really know how to do and something I immensely enjoy (like everyone else in this board, probably.) They just think it's not plausible and leads to such a solitary lifestyle, and perhaps in some ways it would ... but I still want that seed of hope, even if the chances are slim. We can't see eye to eye with this, but perhaps in this case, the best thing for me to do would be to just stay at this job, devote some time to look for a new one, and continue writing. As opposed to giving it all up and making writing my full time job, which was what my original dilemma was. I had no motivation to look for a new job because this was what I really wanted. But in retrospect, that decision may be a little extreme. I am young and have time to experiment, but I still have to support my (newly financially independent) self somehow. 



> Hard question. In short, there are people who can live life according to a set of goals, with redundancies, back ups, and hit their targets consistently, then, there are those who are bound to live by the skin of their teeth, and then everyone else in between. The intimidating and exciting part of life is not knowing where exactly you stand on this. Could you play it safe and succeed? Could going all in play off as well? Or the best path a mixture of doing what you hate to do what you love?
> When you decide to strike out and make your own decisions, you also have to accept the fears, the consequences, the uncertainty as well as the potential pay offs and self-affirmation that come with it, which is hard when many of the small and important decisions have been made for you thus far.



Anyways, it's pretty late here, and I have to get to bed.  I'm going through much of this myself, hope you actually can relate to this and I'm not just rambling on. 
G'night, and g'luck![/QUOTE]

I suppose a good old pro/con list could come in handy here maybe? Anyway, thank you so much for your response, I read every bit of it!


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## ika (Jun 25, 2012)

KathyReynolds said:


> As a mnother my idea of raising successful children is that they should grow up to be happy and satisfied with their lives. Part of success is doing what your heart tells you to do. The flip side is being able to support yourself while doing it. I support my grown children in following their dreams but I also encorage their success by not giving financial support because to do so would limit their need to stand tall on their own.
> 
> You are young and have lots of time to find what works best for you. If what pleases you most is to work at a minimal job that pays your own bills and gives you the time to create then go for it. If you decide it is a mistake you have lots of time to change course. It's never too late to do something new.
> 
> Case in point. My husband spent 4 years studying his chosen field. Once out of school he got a job in that field and hated every moment of it.  Friends annd family said "But you must. It's what you were trained for. We spent all our time and money getting you here." I said "go for it." he did. We are not rich but we are happy. We raised 3 of our 4 daughters and the 4th one will be on her own soon. That my dear is success. Work because you must but write because you have to.



Thank you for the wise advice, Kathy. Strangely enough your family sounds similar to mine (4 girls, I'm the baby!) I know my parents are just concerned with my financial stability, so doing something like running off to California (which is another dream), finding any job, and writing books by the beach all day is an idea that would terrify them. 

Though it would be kind of thrilling for me, ha  Maybe I could save up a bit o' cash before I move first ... who knows ...

@JosephB - My original dilemma was I am set to work a job I am not crazy about, and while my parents were encouraging me to find something better, I secretly had no real desire to because I wanted to just focus everything on writing a book. I could stay at my current job, but deep down I really wanted to just do something else that would give me even more time to work on things. Realizing I also desire to make solid income though, it was conflicting because I was pondering on whether being a "starving artist" would weigh out in the end.  

I was also just asking a question of how plausible it would be to become a full time writer (and depend financially on such) and what to do if your family doesn't support that. It's kind of my ambition to do that one day, but wanted to hear some feedback if it was something really worth dropping everything to pursue.

At this point I am leaning toward trying to find something better (like a few have you mentioned, why not shoot for a job in the writing industry, clever!) instead of jumping ship and full time writing. I think I just have to discipline myself when it comes to pumping out work and manage my time better. I'm sure we'd all like to sit around all day contemplating and perfecting our next masterpiece, but unfortunately that's usually not how it works. 

And @bo_7md - Option #2 is actually sounding pretty good to me right now! While I'm still in my situation, I think it could be worth a shot. What have I got to lose.


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## garza (Jun 25, 2012)

If you want to sit around all day contemplating anything at all, do not go the non-fiction route. That may work if you land a staff job with a syndicate or a Big Slick, but it worn't work if you want to stay independent. And after all, one good reason for being a writer is to avoid getting a job. That means no sitting around. You have to hustle, and you have to take risks, but it's worth it.


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## Writ (Jun 25, 2012)

ika said:


> I guess my question to you all is what do you think of writing (novels, fiction, essays, etc.) as a career, and have you ever gone through familial disapproval because of your choice?



Eh... my mother suggested to me once that I write novels and try to sell them on the street instead of getting a regular job. I thought she was nuts. 

I've always wanted more conservative parenting in certain ways. In some aspects of life I'm more conservative then my parents. 

I like the replies I read from Olly and Bloggsworth. Although, I like what the patriarch of the Brazilian Gracie family, and founder of Brazilian Jujitsu, told all of his sons: "You can do whatever you want in life but first you must learn to fight."

He required them all to learn Brazilian Jujitsu. And similarly, there is nothing wrong with you building a foundation in a career that's not your first choice or love. But either way you want to do it you are young and have Father Time on your side.


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## wyf (Jun 26, 2012)

ika said:


> Silly _girl_, wyf  But alas, what I'm saying is it really doesn't come easy for me as I thought. I think it just takes loads of practice and trial and error. There are no other options though, so do what you gotta do, I guess.



Do what you gotta do is right. Ignore my advice. I was reminded when I read Olly's post (wise as ever, Olly) that none of it really matters. Youth is the time to make mistakes, and we all made plenty in ours.

When I was in Uni some of my best friends lived in a squat. It was pretty squalids, but they had great paries, and great stuff happened there. 2 of them were in a band, there were two artists on the next floor and various arty people came and went.

None of them ever got famous, but nobody starved, nobody died, everybody had fun. And when I was writing full-time for a magazine in london (nowhere near as grand as it sounds) I was sleeping on friends' floors, in squats, in cars or just not sleeping at all (speed and coke flowed like water) for 2 years. 

I lived. I had the best time.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 27, 2012)

ika said:


> Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like you and I are a lot alike! You summed it up quite perfectly actually ... I would say in later life especially, quite a bit of the dog leashing became my own doing out of guilt.



Ahh, guilt. Do you know where that guilt comes from? In my culture it's fairly common to use guilt and shame to raise kids. It keeps the kids in line, but when they have to grow up and develop their identity and learn how to make their own decisions, can be crippling. 



ika said:


> Yes. It was my original dream to become a full time writer one day ... it's all that I really know how to do and something I immensely enjoy (like everyone else in this board, probably.) They just think it's not plausible and leads to such a solitary lifestyle, and perhaps in some ways it would ... but I still want that seed of hope, even if the chances are slim. We can't see eye to eye with this, but perhaps in this case, the best thing for me to do would be to just stay at this job, devote some time to look for a new one, and continue writing. As opposed to giving it all up and making writing my full time job, which was what my original dilemma was. I had no motivation to look for a new job because this was what I really wanted. But in retrospect, that decision may be a little extreme. I am young and have time to experiment, but I still have to support my (newly financially independent) self somehow.



Hmm... we are fairly similar. I had a dream to become a writer... then it was a chef... then media personality... etc etc. 

Anyways, yet another story, but it took me a bit to realize why I had those aspirations. It took a few years of wandering and a few mistakes, but I realized I felt boxed in, emotionally. I didn't have a lot of social skill, emotionally I felt underdeveloped and overwhelmed, and it felt like my responsibilities were piling up all around me to the point of being impossible. I realized that I had so much guilt and shame, that it became my only drive, that single way of thinking. I finally gave myself a break last year and stopped to take care of myself: emotionally, physically, mentally. Personally, I think when you keep trying to push yourself to achieve a certain thing in life, with only negative motivators, you don't learn to properly take care of yourself and when you're boxed in, escapist dreams become a sort of way to keep yourself going. 
Right now, I'm learning to grant myself compassion (as I would a friend or family member) and self care as I weave through life. It's painfully bad at parts, but there's so much good I didn't see.



ika said:


> I suppose a good old pro/con list could come in handy here maybe? Anyway, thank you so much for your response, I read every bit of it!



Laying it all out can definitely helps, like a map. Like you said, though, you're young and learning. Have faith in yourself, you are a worthy compass; if you're walking down the wrong path, you'll definitely know it. 

I'm glad I could help. If you want to read more ramblings, I'm more than willing to supply, hehe.


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