# gorgeous



## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

Sapphire skies, emerald isles.
Girlish whims, girlish wiles.
You caught my eye, and made me smile.
Come with me, stay awhile.
Your gorgeous eyes, your gorgeous smile.

Amythest rivers, diamond skies.
Seductive bonds, wicked lies.
Lustful songs, loving sighs.
Come with me, let's break the ties.
Your gorgeous smile, your gorgeous eyes.


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## Ell337 (Jan 1, 2017)

Love it. The only line that doesn't work for me is the second last with 'let's break the ties', which doesn't really make sense.


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> Love it. The only line that doesn't work for me is the second last with 'let's break the ties', which doesn't really make sense.


Thanks brother. The break the ties bit is supposed to mean like a wooing.
Like come on baby, let's break the ties. Ties being like things like the world wants to keep me and the girl apart. The ties. I dont know. Kinda abstract but that's the mindset.


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## Ell337 (Jan 1, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Thanks brother. The break the ties bit is supposed to mean like a wooing.
> Like come on baby, let's break the ties. Ties being like things like the world wants to keep me and the girl apart. The ties. I dont know. Kinda abstract but that's the mindset.



yeah sorry still doesn't make sense. at least to me. feels like you forced the rhyme at the expense of meaning.


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> yeah sorry still doesn't make sense. at least to me. feels like you forced the rhyme at the expense of meaning.


In a way I did just that lol.


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## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Sapphire skies, emerald isles.
> Girlish whims, girlish wiles.
> You caught my eye, and made me smile.
> Come with me, stay awhile.
> ...





I think if you started each stanza with:
Your gorgeous smile, your gorgeous eyes
sapphire skies emerald isles ... ect 

This would tie every thing together and not have the end line in each stanza twisting in the wind... JMO...


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> I think if you started each stanza with:
> Your gorgeous smile, your gorgeous eyes
> sapphire skies emerald isles ... ect
> 
> This would tie every thing together and not have the end line in each stanza twisting in the wind... JMO...


That's supposed to be part of the charm of it though lol.


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## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2017)

Absolem said:


> That's supposed to be part of the charm of it though lol.




Of course I respect your right to express yourself as you please... but as a reader and fellow poet, it is just my humble opinion that the last line in each stanza kinda just dangles there... 
I do love the mood and the imagery... and I enjoyed reading your poem...


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Of course I respect your right to express yourself as you please... but as a reader and fellow poet, it is just my humble opinion that the last line in each stanza kinda just dangles there...
> I do love the mood and the imagery... and I enjoyed reading your poem...


Well thank you. I do understand what you mean though. I thought the same thing when I was writing it but couldn't think of a different way.


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## The Fantastical (Jan 1, 2017)

I liked it!  But I agree with everyone's comments about the "Come with me, let's break the ties" line. It just doesn't go with the rest of the poem.


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

The Fantastical said:


> I liked it!  But I agree with everyone's comments about the "Come with me, let's break the ties" line. It just doesn't go with the rest of the poem.



Thank you... What about,

'Come with me, let's end the whys'

?


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## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Sapphire skies, emerald isles.
> Girlish whims, girlish wiles.
> You caught my eye, and made me smile.
> Come with me, stay awhile.
> ...




"Come with me, lets end the whys"... No.  [ jmo... of course..]


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