# Winter Morn



## ArianSpirit (Jan 9, 2018)

*Last revision #4* Figured I should post what I put in workshop here as well. Thanks for everyone's input. This one will be set aside for now.



Crystal rain falls
coating the sleepy
backwoods in glass.

Ice-laden limbs glisten;
reflecting an amber haze
on this bone chilled morn.

Roots exhale;
sprigs chime a pristine cantata—

Sun rise.



*Revsion 3* Added this to the Workshop as well and appreciate all the feedback so far in both places. Reviewing and will look into another revision as I've had some good ones! Thank you to all that have taken the time to read and give your thoughts.

Crystal rain falls
coating the sleepy
backwoods in glass.

I gaze in awe, as ice
laden limbs glisten; 
reflecting an amber haze
on this bone chilled morn.

Roots exhale;
sprigs as champagne glasses
 clink in unison celebrating
the rising sun.





*Revision 2* Again, any input appreciated as I take what I am given and then find other words as I revise.

Silver slivers fall
covering the sleepy
backwoods in glass.

Ice laden limbs glisten,
reflecting an amber haze.

Morning exhales;
her breath chimes like champagne glasses.

*Revision 1*
Crystal rain falls
covering the sleepy
backwoods in glass.

I gaze in awe, as ice
laden limbs glisten,
reflecting an amber haze
on a bone chilled morn.

Mother Nature exhales;
Her breath chimes like champagne glasses
celebrating the rising sun.


*Original*
Crystal rain fell
coating the sleeping
world in glass.

I stand in awe, as ice
laden limbs glisten,
reflecting an amberish haze
on this bone chilling morn.

If I listen carefully
when the wind blows,
I hear champagne glasses
clink in celebration
of the rising sun.


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 9, 2018)

I have thick skin and this is an oldie, so any thoughts are helpful


----------



## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 9, 2018)

There's nothing wrong with it but I think maybe replace 'on this bone chilling morn' to 'on a bone chilling morn'


----------



## ned (Jan 10, 2018)

hello - a lovely poem, with charming imagery and ideas.

some different word choices might lift the poem further.

fell - clunky drop into past tense - falls, or had fallen, perhaps. (has assonance with awe)
sleeping - if you're going to be direct, dreaming.
amberish - amber - less fussy.
bone chilling - bone-chilled 

I stand in awe - not great in poetry - show the reader.

If I listen carefully - keep to the imagery, the only sound etc

dawn in the final verse would chime nicely - but I'm an incurable rhymster!
maybe if the poem were entitled winter dawn, it might serve the message better.

laden limbs glisten - lovely thought well put.

just my tuppence worth.........Ned


----------



## sas (Jan 10, 2018)

Ned had great suggestions.

My personal opinion is that those writing poetry lean too heavily on "ing" words to create a poetic musical sound. In a short poem, you've used five. 

The first stanza stopped me flat, to consider that crystal is not glass. Not good enough line for a metaphor. So consider a simile, "like glass". 

I might have used "I stop in awe", as it means you were struck still by the beauty, instead of "I stand in awe". 

Try to stay away from cliches: "bone chilling"  We all easily let them slip in. 

Overall, the poem should go somewhere, other than a picture. When I read a poem, I need something more. For instance, play with a different last line:

If I listen carefully
when the wind blows,
I hear champagne glasses
clink in celebration
without me.

Let the reader wonder why you are not celebrating. The poem now has more weight.

Hope helpful. sas

.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2018)

ArianSpirit said:


> Crystal rain fell
> Silver rain fell*** I switched "silver" with "crystal" because "Crystal" would work so well in the last line.
> coating* the* sleeping** "covering" has a softer sound, say them both out loud....coating... covering..
> world in glass.
> ...




Hello, Arian, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread! It is a pleasure to meet you... I loved your poem because you describe one of my favorite things... You used some wonderful words in your poem, making your imagery a visual delight.. laden limbs! lovely... and celebrating the rising sun is wonderful, because it takes the sun to bring out the splendor of the ice... The suggestion I gave are only meant to inspire you to see all the intriguing possibilities... you use of alliteration did not go unnoticed....  thank you for a lovely read....


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 10, 2018)

Thank you all for your input! I love it and can see where I can take this a little further to make it have a bigger impact.


----------



## dannyboy (Jan 13, 2018)

really like the changes you've made, enjoyed the poem and its images.


----------



## Namyh (Jan 16, 2018)

Arian Spirit - The changes were nice but the visuals of the original stand out for me....and that's just my opinion. Namyh


----------



## TL Murphy (Jan 17, 2018)

Some great images in this poem.  Two things in particular stand out as contrived.  “I stand in awe”...   “Awe” is one of those words that pretends to say more than it does, and by saying it, the poet robs the reader of the awe experience.  Now, the reader is standing outside the poem reading about the speaker having an awe experience instead of being inside the poem and feeling that experience in themself.  So it kills the epiphany.

”Mother Nature” is an overused term for Earth.  It’s like saying ‘God’ or ‘soul’.  Mother Nature is a mist, a catch-all phrase for a bunch of nebulous thoughts.  The image would be stronger to say the trees exhale or the air exhales or cut ‘morn’ from the previous line and say the morning exhales.


----------



## RHPeat (Jan 17, 2018)

TL Murphy said:


> “Awe” is one of those words that pretends to say more than it does, and by saying it, the poet robs the reader of the awe experience.  Now, the reader is standing outside the poem reading about the speaker having an awe experience instead of being inside the poem and feeling that experience in themself.  So it kills the epiphany.



Tim
This is beautifully stated. And so true when a poem is robbed of its epiphany.


----------



## miraj (Jan 17, 2018)

Lovely poem, Arian.

it is filled with lovely images, really savored it.


----------



## Robbie (Jan 17, 2018)

Well said Tim.


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 17, 2018)

TL, I so appreciate your thoughts. Yeah I am having trouble with the Mother Nature or Earth Exhales. I do see your point in that stanza and will revisit again. 

I'm having trouble with which version (in which my revision was probably in the wrong order) However I feel your stance on the word "Awe" would be appropriate for either version. "Stand" or "Gaze"

I live in the south and though we just got 7 inches of snow today and counting.. LOL

What would be a better word choice for something I just walked outside on an early winter morning that I would rarely see? reverence? wonderment? astonishment? 

Something that stops you dead in your tracks when you are really in a hurry. Maybe I am answering this with my questions but I still would like a little more feedback on this.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and help


----------



## TL Murphy (Jan 17, 2018)

Don't _tell_ the reader what you feel at all. _Show_ the reader what you feel.  Put the reader in the scene.  If you explain the feelings it becomes an intellectual exercise and the reader has no choice but to go into an analytical frame of mind.  Then you've lost him/her.  Keep the reader in an intuitive state of mind.  Let the images speak for themselves.  Let the reader find the feelings in the images.  Don't tell the reader what the images mean or how they are suppose to feel. Link the images to create context. Epiphany happens when the reader has to make leaps.  The leaps are where the meaning is.  You can't explain that.


I gaze in awe, as ice (explains)
laden limbs glisten,
reflecting an amber haze
on a bone chilled morn.

Mother Nature (Morning) exhales; (keep it concrete, avoid abstraction)
her breath chimes like champagne glasses
celebrating the rising sun. (explains)


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 18, 2018)

Thanks TL! Appreciate your perspective


----------



## tinacrabapple (Jan 21, 2018)

Honestly,. Kind of like the original the best, but you made some fine edits.  Seems the poem got lost, though.  If this upset you, I am sorry, because I can see all the work you did.


----------



## ArianSpirit (Jan 21, 2018)

Thanks for your feedback tinacrabapple. I'm not offended at all. In fact I appreciate your comment. I am still contemplating all the input and revisions. You are correct something has gotten lost in this poem.


----------



## Firmino (Jan 22, 2018)

Hi ArianSpirit, it looks like you've already received some excellent feedback on this one. I like the latest version of it; there's a haiku-like feel to it in tone, especially the concluding line.

I had a glance back at the earlier versions because the use of silver in the opening confused me slightly. When I picture silver I see it differently to rain and I wonder if the aural appeal of 'silver slivers' - which, admittedly, sounds nice - is diminished by the slightly incongruent image? I think that ending the opening stanza with glass is much stronger and realistic as an image, so it might be worthwhile to consider an alternative to those silver slivers.

I would suggest hyphenating the compound 'Ice-laden', but that line is delightful with the i assonance running through it. Definitely a keeper.

Although I like the final stanza, I think that the personification of nature is an approach which can divide opinion. I don't think there's anything wrong with it when it's fairly subtle, like how you handled it, but a part of me wonders if the stanza would be better without the personification, something like 'Morning chimes like champagne glasses'? If you wished to include a line break within that sentence, the only place it could fall, for me, would be after 'chimes'. 

Best wishes in any future revisions you make.


----------



## RC James (Jan 22, 2018)

Of the revisions, I prefer Rev. 1 - prefer "crystal rain"  definitely over "silver slivers"

"like champagne glasses"  - this seems, seems to me I'm saying, redundant

much prefer just - 

"Mother Nature exhales;
Her breath chimes 
celebrating the rising sun."

especially like -

"I gaze in awe, as ice
laden limbs glisten,
reflecting an amber haze
on a bone chilled morn."


I grew up in New England snow country
so all of this hits home - thanks for the memories - RC


----------



## Deleted member 60185 (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm onboard with Revision 3. Very nice.


----------

