# Colrin and Silfren Addendum [Mild Language]



## BobtailCon (Nov 30, 2015)

I had posted this in the workshop, but almost two weeks later I've received no replies. I would like feedback on if you would want to see these characters in a novel. Part 1 Here.*

This story is my idea for a couple of characters. Colrin, the hedonistic playwright who thirsts for good drink and companionship, and Silfrin, a strong willed Aileid who searches for purpose in his scarred life. I've considered turning this into a novel, though I still need to figure out the plot. Tell me what you think. Feedback and criticism welcome, of course.*

The two continued down the road. Colrin stumbled in the ankle high mud Silfrin pushed behind him. Colrin slurred;

"Y'know Silf, you're always following me. You're like my little..." He studied the thick, stalk green skin of his companion, as wiry and muscled as a Saladeen Swordsman, "...Protector."

He started again, "Why is that?"

"You know why." Silfren said, his rumbling voice as strained as usual.

"Yes, but you're strong, you could make a better life as a dock worker-"

"I don't want to be a dock worker." Aileid were common laborers in the Middle Civilizations. Their photosynthesis caused them to have a high sugar production, resulting in a very efficient energy boost while the sun shined. The downside was that the Aileid became slow and sluggish at night.

They followed the street lanterns along the winding streetways. Bursting though the door to their inn, they made their way to their rooms.

The bed was hardly a bed, the legs were milk crates, the length of the bed were planks that lay atop the boxes. This high level of Astorian comfort was topped with a mattress filled with filling that poked and scratched one's skin, presumably hay.

Colrin pissed into the chamber pot across the dingy quarters, and then carefully lay atop his cot. He looked over at Silfren, who pulled a chair of similar design towards the low faced window. The Plantman settled deep in his chair, and stilled with a loud pop.

Colrin stirred, voice rough from not speaking since the road, he coughed throatily and commented. "I can never get used to that sound."

Silfren glanced back and made a sound of recognition.

Because of their plant ancestry, Aileid had no use to lay on the floor, their natural sleeping state was to stand, or sit. The locking joint in their spine prevented them from slouching in their sleep. A nice feature to avoid the sudden vertigo of waking with your head in your hands, as many Astorian Literary Students are familiar with.


**** 

*​The night was relatively quiet, the only sound was the jangling of guardsman's keys and the scuttling and screeching of territorial tabbies. At one turn of the night, Colrin woke in a jolt of pain as a scrap of hay jabbed him in the eye. After cursing quietly, he heard voices outside. He recognized the inquisitive murmuring as town militia. Luckily, they passed the inn without a glance.

When the afternoon sun glazed the room in a dusty filter, Silfrin and Colrin packed. 

"Well, so much for an early start." Colrin muttered as he picked straw from his shirt.

"I slept well." Silfren mentioned.

Colrin glared at him, and said with a mocking tone. "Well good for you."

After a brief pause, he said. "Perhaps I could add our little bar brawl to my next script."

Silfren smirked at the mention of "we." He said, "Will you also include the scene of you pissing yourself in front of that hairy ape?"

Colrin scoffed. "Well, I wouldn't be a playwright without a little extemporizing."

Silfren rolled his eyes.

They finished packing their things and went downstairs for breakfast. The inn wasn't busy, all of the regulars were out searching for a cannibal plant and his handsome companion. Silfren made sure to draw his hood lower.

Their breakfast was piss-poor. Their eggs were the color of woodchips (and the texture too). Their milk came with scrupial floaters that skimmed along the surface. Colrin muttered, "If I get sick, I'll kill the wench who served me this."

Silfren glanced amusingly at him. "You really do like your food."

"Aye, I do." Colrin noticed the inn door open, two men wearing grass green tabards with swords on their hips entered. "Time to go."

Silfren noticed. They stood up, put their hands on their travel packs, and made for the back door. A call echoed for them, "Ho, there!"

They hurried on anyway. They pushed out of the back door, the stables in the back alley smelled like... a stable, with a generous donation of horse droppings.

They moved for their horses when the militiamen burst through the door, "Hey!"

"Hail there, friends." Colrin bent down and sweeped his shins with his feather cap, a true noble.

"Why did you two run from us?" One of the militiamen demanded. His trimmed beard bristled as he stared accusingly at his suspects.

"W-Well, I'm afraid we didn't hear you, m'lord."

"There's no way." The guardsman started. "You," He stabbed a finger at Colrin, "jumped like a squirrel when I called out to you."

Colrin blushed. The guards took notice of his companion. "Who're you?"

"He's no one, m'lord, just my....squire." Colrin thought aloud. "He's mighty ugly, so I make him drape himself." He strategically stepped closer and whispered. "For the good of all of us."

The guardsman had a look that was deep contemplation between berating the fool, and striking him. He turned his attention. "Pull down the hood."

Silfren tightened his grip on something inside of his jerkin. Colrin saw the motion. "M'lord, my apologies. I am no knight, 'tis true. I'm but a humble playwright."

The guardsman was surprised by the sudden honesty. "Y'are?"

"Yes, I am." Colrin's eyes renewed with a sense of inspiration. "I could write a play about you!" The two guards stared at the idiot.

"Yes, I could, there's only one problem." Colrin pulled out a long pen, a beautifully sleek design with an ebony handle.

"What's the problem?" The guard asked.

"Well, I have no ink." Colrin swiftly twisted his pen and yanked, revealing a long, thin, single edged blade. He placed the blade on the militiaman's throat. "Will blood do?" A hint of cold steel ingrained in his voice.

The guard's stunned companion reached for his sword, but Silfren's hand crossbow changed his mind.

"Now," Colrin began. "We're going to leave, you two will walk back in that inn and finish our breakfast for us. We don't like to waste." He smiled.

The guardsman gasped, a defiant glare built in his eyes. "You think you'll get away with this?"

"Yes, I do." Colrin said. "And if we hear those alarm bells sound while we're escaping, I just might return and pay someone a visit, maybe your little girl." 

The guardsman turned pale, tears flushed his face. He groaned in horror, "No!"

"Then get on in there. Get!" Colrin pushed the guards toward the door. They hurried in and looked back with fearful glances. Silfren holstered his crossbow. 


**** 

*​Miles away from the town, winded trying to catch their breath, Silfren asked. "How did you know that guardsman had a daughter?"

Colrin looked at his friend and smiled, a cunning glean of criminal contemptuousness. "Lucky guess."


*
The main thing I would like feedback on is whether or not these characters would make for a good novel, I have my doubts, but maybe it would work.*


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## Harper J. Cole (Nov 30, 2015)

*BobtailCon*,

Yes, I think that this idea could work. The idea of Silfren, a character with plant-like qualities, is quite an unusual one for the fantasy genre, I think. Little touches, such as the unusual way in which he sleeps, or how he is more powerful in the sunlight, round out the character nicely.

Colrin strikes me initially as a lovable rogue type, though he seems rather darker towards the end, when he threatens the guard's daughter. There's a balance to be struck, as you have to give his character an edge on the one hand, while making sure that your readers will root for him on the other.

There were a few points in this piece where perhaps you could have reworded things slightly to good effect, e.g. ...



> The bed was hardly a bed, the legs were milk crates, the length of the bed were planks that lay atop the boxes. This high level of Astorian comfort was topped with a mattress filled with filling that poked and scratched one's skin, presumably hay.



It's generally best to avoid too much repetition, as it can jar slightly with your readers. This paragraph has 'bed' three times in quick succession, then 'filled' and 'filling' pretty much back to back.

Still, I think the concept is well worth your effort, if you want to grow it.

HC


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## BobtailCon (Nov 30, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> *BobtailCon*,
> 
> Yes, I think that this idea could work. The idea of Silfren, a character with plant-like qualities, is quite an unusual one for the fantasy genre, I think. Little touches, such as the unusual way in which he sleeps, or how he is more powerful in the sunlight, round out the character nicely.
> 
> ...



Thank you for the response! I try to avoid fantasy tropes (which is ironic, seeing as I started the story in a tavern) as much as I can. 

Colrin as a character will take a dark turn. He is so obsessed with success, fame, money and power, that when he doesn't get it, he self-depresses himself. As the story progresses, he will look more and more to drinking, and gradually change from the lovable rogue that he currently is. It's a tricky thing to do, as I don't want the reader to get tired of the character, so I have to be careful.

I agree about the about the bed description, it probably would have been better to summarize the look of the bed, rather than go into repetitive detail.


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## Caragula (Dec 1, 2015)

Hi,

I like the plant based character, it adds interest and I like how you've set these two up as buddies, they're an odd couple and it grabs the reader's attention.

I think however that your storytelling dawdles unnecessarily.  This bit put me off:

_"The night was relatively quiet, the only sound was  the jangling of guardsman's keys and the scuttling and screeching of  territorial tabbies. At one turn of the night, Colrin woke in a jolt of  pain as a scrap of hay jabbed him in the eye. After cursing quietly, he  heard voices outside. He recognized the inquisitive murmuring as town  militia. Luckily, they passed the inn without a glance."

_What you're saying is_ 'nothing happened'. 

_Some other examples where I'd get the knife out:_

""Well good for you,"

After a brief pause, he said. "Pperhaps I could add our little bar brawl to my next script."

"Their eggs were the color of woodchips (and the texture too)." _could change to_ "Their eggs were the texture and color of woodchips."

"The bed was hardly a bed, the legs were milk crates, the length of the bed were planks that lay atop the boxes." _could change to_ "The bed was hardly a bed, just planks lying across milk crates."

The guardsman turned pale, tears flushed his face. He groaned in horror, "No!"

_It's the accumulation of these mildly wordy sentences that start to drag your scenes down.  The changes I've suggested I believe don't alter the sense of what you're trying to describe at all, but the greater economy improves readability and flow.

There are also a few other bits where I think what you're trying to say is a bit off:_

" His trimmed beard bristled as he stared accusingly at his suspects."
_While I'm not sure you need this sentence, as it's obvious the militiaman is questioning them (so as a reader I can fill in the gaps myself), this reads as though his beard _of its own accord_ is bristling, as though it's capable of such a thing. I'm not sure the act of staring can make a beard bristle._

""We're going to leave, you two will walk back in that inn"..._I thought the one guard had his throat cut two lines before?_

_I hope that helps.  Of course the most important thing is to get a draft of the story down and worry about the bigger stuff like plot and bringing the characters to life, but don't underestimate how much a reader is capable of filling in, consider carefully the words you commit to a scene, and what you choose to describe._


_


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## BobtailCon (Dec 1, 2015)

Caragula said:


> Hi, Thank you for responding!
> 
> I like the plant based character, it adds interest and I like how you've set these two up as buddies, they're an odd couple and it grabs the reader's attention.
> 
> ...


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## Caragula (Dec 2, 2015)

Hi there.

You shouldn't need me to tell you whether those characters can carry a novel  You'll either feel it or you won't.  With the novel I wrote I felt like I simply had to tell their story, they demanded it of me almost.  Buddy stories are always good when the buddies are mixed up and messed up a bit, so it's a good platform.  Ultimately of course the story they are in is also going to decide whether the novel is good.  It's symbiotic.  Again, only you can answer that.  As long as your characters are capable of greatness, of being out of the ordinary, of demonstrating will in adversity, of making a big sacrifice if it's asked, you should be fine.  

In terms of your comments I'd like to respond particularly to the comment about narrative dribble and describing environments because I feel very passionately about it, i.e. I could not disagree more!! All books are about characters, above anything else.  'Jumping into the characters' is exactly what you should be doing.  It's advice I've read from everywhere I've read advice.  It's why the opening to this piece made me read the rest of it and why it tailed off, for me.  You got straight into their relationship, through dialogue.  You're building them in my mind, I'm picturing them, deciding what kind of people I think they are, then they go to sleep and you describe nothing happening.  I've been crucified for this kind of thing by experienced editors, and once I'd swallowed the pill and thought, 'ok, fine, I'll do it your way', I ended up seeing it from their point of view.  I'm struck by the phrases you use 'dribble' and 'pleasant'.  Pleasant is dull.  Dribble suggests waste, neither of which keep readers gripped to the page, do they?

The latter point, about environment before character I know otherwise as the 'dark and stormy night' cliche, where writers decide to set the scene before introducing anyone, describing wind, stars, clouds, fields, even a corpse strewn battlefield.  You can set the scene through and/or with the characters.  Do both at the same time.  I know books aren't films but imagine a film where the camera, in the street, is closing in on two figures sat inside a cafe, arguing.  It stops, pans up and down the street, looks up at the sky _then_ goes back to the two characters arguing and flips to inside the cafe.  Then it does that every scene, a quick spin about before giving you the story.  It would be horrendous.

It's easily done with your piece: "They staggered along under the street lanterns, along the winding streetways.  Colrin stumbled in the ankle high..."
In a line you've established it's night, it's a filthy muddy street and they're drunk.  It's efficient and brings both characters and scene together.

I may well be making my point sharply here, its tone is not intended to be attacking or aggressive, more firm and passionate.  As an experiment with anyone that reads your fiction more than I or others here do, try offering two versions of a scene, just to see which they prefer.  No harm in getting some cold hard data on what does and doesn't work for readers in the way a piece is written.  It'll prove me right or wrong, but that's fine, the point is that to develop as a writer you will need to try approaches out, experiment.  You may well have a very good reason, as you've intimated in your comments about my feedback, for doing the things you do.  If readers don't respond to it, and I'm only one reader so take all this with a pinch, then you'll have some food for thought.


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## BobtailCon (Dec 2, 2015)

Caragula said:


> In terms of your comments I'd like to respond particularly to the comment about narrative dribble and describing environments because I feel very passionately about it, i.e. I could not disagree more!! All books are about characters, above anything else.  'Jumping into the characters' is exactly what you should be doing.  It's advice I've read from everywhere I've read advice.  It's why the opening to this piece made me read the rest of it and why it tailed off, for me.  You got straight into their relationship, through dialogue.  You're building them in my mind, I'm picturing them, deciding what kind of people I think they are, then they go to sleep and you describe nothing happening.  I've been crucified for this kind of thing by experienced editors, and once I'd swallowed the pill and thought, 'ok, fine, I'll do it your way', I ended up seeing it from their point of view.  I'm struck by the phrases you use 'dribble' and 'pleasant'.  Pleasant is dull.  Dribble suggests waste, neither of which keep readers gripped to the page, do they?
> 
> I may well be making my point sharply here, its tone is not intended to be attacking or aggressive, more firm and passionate.  As an experiment with anyone that reads your fiction more than I or others here do, try offering two versions of a scene, just to see which they prefer.  No harm in getting some cold hard data on what does and doesn't work for readers in the way a piece is written.  It'll prove me right or wrong, but that's fine, the point is that to develop as a writer you will need to try approaches out, experiment.  You may well have a very good reason, as you've intimated in your comments about my feedback, for doing the things you do.  If readers don't respond to it, and I'm only one reader so take all this with a pinch, then you'll have some food for thought.



I hope I hadn't come off as close minded. I'm always open to other's views and opinions. 

I'm glad you went into more detail, it helped me understand what you meant. Environment and characters should be a sort of symbiotic relationship, where they play into each other in a smooth transition. It's also important to be short and concise when necessary. And don't worry, you didn't come off as aggressive, though I'm used to that treatment as a writer haha. Thanks for the advice.


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## Josh Colon (Dec 3, 2015)

Bob,
The story caught me and I read the whole thing.
Personally, I can't see a 'plant man' as a working biology, but I'll go along with HarperCole and accept it.
What I saw as suggestions I won't disagree with.

In my opinion, there is a story there.  I don't know where they came from, or where they are going, but I found it interesting.
Josh.


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## BobtailCon (Dec 3, 2015)

Josh Colon said:


> Personally, I can't see a 'plant man' as a working biology, but I'll go along with HarperCole and accept it.



I try and justify it with examples of other works of fantasy fiction. With dragons, ice men, zombies, ghouls, phantoms, ghosts and other things, I'll try and slip past with Plantmen haha.


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## CRAlexander (Dec 4, 2015)

Keep the plant man, that's something interesting you don't see too often in fantasy.  It's hard for me to tell you if these characters can hold interest for a novel.  The simple explanation is because I'm the reader.  It's _your_ job to hold _my_ interest with your characters.  

To be a little bit more helpful, I liked Silfren as I said earlier.  Colrin is another story...honestly he didn't work with me.  He starts off drunk, so my natural assumption is that this is his 'natural' state.  He enjoys his drink.  That's fine, as long as you can establish that's his bad quality.  Later he pulls a knife on the local militia.  Alright...I'll be honest and tell you I skimmed, parts didn't hold my attention (I did go back and read it all, don't worry).  Maybe I missed the explanation, but it seemed weird to me how that escalated to knife at throat so quickly.  The militia man's reaction seemed over the top as well.  How is Colrin to know the man has a daughter?  How is he to find her?  How is he to do anything he threats?  It seems like you've made it too easy for your character to escape to me.

I think your descriptions, while they do put a picture in my head, would grab my attention more if filtered through your characters.  I understand what the bed looks like, planks on milk crates.  How does Colrin feel about this?  Probably not good, I would guess.  Maybe he sighs heavily as he sinks into it?  To me, that would be more interesting than a description of the setting followed by the character's actions.  Try to do as much as you can with as few words as possible.  That way each sentence has more power, impact, and forces a reader to pay attention.

There seemed to be a lot of 'mentioned' 'scoffed' 'rolled his eyes,' etc. when in most cases you could probably skip the dialogue tag as it's taking away from the story.  Rather than giving me an idea of how these things are said, which I am assuming is the intent, it's pulling me out of the story and reminding me this is a story, and I'm reading someone's writing.  I've read plenty of places to stick to 'said,' but I personally don't mind a little variety.  Every line is a bit much though.

I would try to find a way to incorporate the first lines into your first dialogue  The dialogue worked well for me, it pulled me in and got me into the characters (almost) right off.  If you can work the muck and nighttime into that, it'd be a lot smoother.  Your currently opening line doesn't make me ask much of anything.  They continued down the road?  Okay...so what?  I'm not trying to be rude, just exaggerating the point, the story becomes far more interesting once you bring the characters into it and we see them interact.  

The characters were fairly well defined, and seem to be either close friends, or friends for a long time.  The way Silfren will joke about sleeping well comes off as second nature to him.  He knows the reaction Colrin will have and it doesn't matter, because he'll get over it.  It adds a nice layer of depth.

It's good.  I can't really tell you if it can be more, because that's a question for you.  I like what I've read though.  I want to know why Silfren and Colrin are running from the militiamen.  How did two seemingly different men came to be such good friends?  Where do they go from here, having taken such a drastic escalation, and what drove Colrin to sure measures?  It had to be enough to empty a tavern of midday drunks, so it had to be good.  You've left plenty of interesting questions, which, in my mind, is a sign of a good beginning.  Keep writing!


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## BobtailCon (Dec 5, 2015)

CRAlexander said:


> Keep the plant man, that's something interesting you don't see too often in fantasy. When I talk to my writer friends about stories they're working on (Fantasy Fiction), one thing I always ask them is, "what makes your story unique?" Not as an insulting question, but to make them think about what sells their story.  It's hard for me to tell you if these characters can hold interest for a novel.  The simple explanation is because I'm the reader.  It's _your_ job to hold _my_ interest with your characters. I completely agree, it's the job of the author to sell their book, and to sell their story. If I can't bring that, why ask?
> 
> To be a little bit more helpful, I liked Silfren as I said earlier.  Colrin is another story...honestly he didn't work with me.  He starts off drunk, so my natural assumption is that this is his 'natural' state.  He enjoys his drink.  That's fine, as long as you can establish that's his bad quality.  Later he pulls a knife on the local militia.  Alright...I'll be honest and tell you I skimmed, parts didn't hold my attention (I did go back and read it all, don't worry).  Maybe I missed the explanation, but it seemed weird to me how that escalated to knife at throat so quickly.  The militia man's reaction seemed over the top as well.  How is Colrin to know the man has a daughter?  How is he to find her?  How is he to do anything he threats?  It seems like you've made it too easy for your character to escape to me. These are things that will become clear with his character later on. As I (think?) I said earlier, Colrin is very cowardly, and averts violence. When encountered with hostility, he goes into a "fight or flight" mode, in the first instance, he fled, with the militiamen, he panicked and played the part of a braver and better man (he is a playwright, after all). Colrin does like drinking, and it will become more prevalent the more depressed and deflated he becomes. As for the militiaman, he reacted so hotly because Silfren bit a chunk out of a man's shoulder.
> 
> ...


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