# Comforting



## Kevin (Aug 17, 2017)

They have better mousetraps now
where you pull a lever
to set and dispose-of;
where every 'thing' 
is inside the little 
black plastic tunnel
and igloo - 
you don't 
want to see
anything if 
you can help it.


----------



## escorial (Aug 17, 2017)

as always unique....


----------



## Pete_C (Aug 17, 2017)

This has promise, but it needs something, a bit of poetic licence to give it something extra for the reader. It's a little too factual and needs some 'humanity' if you know what I mean. 

Maybe somthing like: "...where you pull a lever, executioner style, ..."

A few additions could elevate it significantly.


----------



## jenthepen (Aug 17, 2017)

For me, this comes across as a metaphor for the way we have all become so squeamish and unwilling to face the grim reality of life (and death). Like Pete, I think you could spice up the imagery a bit but the message (as I perceived it) worked well.


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 17, 2017)

Kevin said:


> They have better mousetraps now
> where you pull a lever
> to set and dispose-of;
> where every 'thing'
> ...




We want the nasty stuff dealt with... but we don't want to get our hands dirty..... if we do not see it, then it did not happen... we are a nation of pretenders...


----------



## urbandekay (Aug 17, 2017)

Kevin said:


> They have better mousetraps now
> where you pull a lever
> to set and dispose-of;
> where every 'thing'
> ...



I see where you go but might I humbly suggest you might alter it a little, to include some metaphor or make it more descriptive but perhaps that plain speech in indicative of the state it describes? That might make more of an impact and I would like to see the word order changed just a little. So, "To set and to dispose" and perhaps something like, "Is kept so very neatly, inside the little black tunnel."


----------



## Kevin (Aug 18, 2017)

Thank you for the read, guys. 'Stark', I think, how I might describe it. It will never be epic (...was contemplating adding Gilly the guillotine...nah)I wonder how someone might 'do' a small thing, representing a small thing in poetry. Enough... 
Pete, if I can find a few more words. I agree, a few days later having lost the immediate inspiration, the 'now' of it up there,  I'm struggling (as I always seem to) to get there again. But, totally valid ( what you're saying). I'm not one for the choir. Critique much appreciated.  Thank you. 

Jen-that was my thinking in writing it. I did just buy a new mousetrap and was thinking how satisfyingly 'easy' it was, making all the distasteful touching of things go away. Genius... Like supermarket meat. And how that caries over to the whole issue of mortality, death, dead, and killing...

Fire- same, right? Icky stuff. So, now I'm a killer. I got three mice in three days. At least an inkling of message got over. Presentation? Well... 

urban-  thank you. No humbly needed here. You may blast away, freely. Word order... yes. Many posibilities. Probably better ones right there. Style- I was hoping that the jump-- to the consequence, sequence or the next line of reasoning-not being reasonable, but the how or the why was what could be evoked in regards to this little picture and then the bigger picture. And with very few words,  'minimal'... Oh well, another attempt. Thank you.


----------



## Olly Buckle (Aug 18, 2017)

As Jen says the message is good, clear and simple. You could take it Pete's way and add, but 'stark', 'a small thing representing a small thing' is good too, you could even take that a bit further and lose the bolded words

They have better mousetraps *now*
*where* you pull a lever
to set and dispose *of*;
*where* every 'thing'
is inside the *little*
black plastic tunnel
and igloo -
you don't
*want to* see
anything* if
you can help it*. 

I might be tempted to work the 'don't see' into line four, but that is only me. 

Nice point worth making


----------



## Sebald (Aug 18, 2017)

I enjoyed this, Kevin. 

You've really nailed this moment of domestic hypocrisy; a reluctance to get one's hands dirty, and the wider implications of that.

I'd consider lengthening it, and adding more layers. This could be a seriously good poem.

Working up the word 'igloo' might be the way to go. It's such an odd image, in these circumstances. It shows up the ridiculousness of the euphemisms we use.

I'm not sure how you'd use the word 'igloo'. Try it as the title, maybe, and see how things fall in around it?


----------



## Darkkin (Aug 18, 2017)

Kevin said:


> They have better mousetraps now
> where you pull a lever
> to set and dispose-of;
> where every 'thing'
> ...



Spock would appreciate the linear edges of this piece.  And this is one of those pieces that can be even more cutting with less.  Olly's suggestions are spot on and the neat thing about pieces that are almost clinical in nature, they can go deep, digging into our emotions even when it doesn't seem like they should.  That is what good allegories do.  Also, with the title maybe consider removing the conjugation of the gerund.  Comfort.

Cunning piece.

- D. the T.


----------



## jenthepen (Aug 18, 2017)

I like many of the suggestions made by Olly and Darkkin but I'd hate to see the last lines changed in any way. I think the way you have it...
_*you don't 
want to see
anything if 
you can help it. 						*_

...is the heart and message of your poem. The grim, mocking tone is perfect for a critical comment on modern sensibilities.


----------



## SilverMoon (Aug 18, 2017)

Hi, Keven. I read that you've received some great advice. Amongst all, I think if you employed poetic license and comparisons (metaphors) your poem will pop!

When I read your first line I thought "What a grabber!"  And it certainly is.  But was a tad disappointed you didn't go for the "glue of the gruesome" I quote FireMagic which I believe what she was going for..



> Originally Posted by *FireMagic*
> 
> We want the nasty stuff dealt with... but we don't want to get our hands dirty..... if we do not see it, then it did not happen... we are a nation of pretenders... :wink:



So, I've given you poem, which has TREMDOUS potential for being even greater, a little re-write for your consideration. It's "your baby" So these are simply _suggestions _if you decide to go for a honing.

Now,  coming from the "olden days" where mousetraps where made of metal and wood I had to do a search for what the n_ew and improved _look like to get a handle on your terminology.



> They have better mousetraps now (Again, sacrosanct!)
> where you *tug *a* plastic *lever  ("tug" maybe a stronger visual? Thinking "elastic" will bring home your word "plastic" further down)
> to set and dispose-of; (Here, is where you can make use of "scene') _example:
> 
> ...



 Kevin, good going and keep going! Silver:moon:


----------



## Nellie (Aug 18, 2017)

Like silvermoon says, good going and keep going. However, I do agree with Jen and hope you keep the last lines. And as Firemajic said, "We are a nation of pretenders."  I wrote a poem about "pretenders" once.


----------



## Kevin (Aug 19, 2017)

Darkkin said:


> Spock would appreciate the linear edges of this piece.  And this is one of those pieces that can be even more cutting with less.  Olly's suggestions are spot on and the neat thing about pieces that are almost clinical in nature, they can go deep, digging into our emotions even when it doesn't seem like they should.  That is what good allegories do.  Also, with the title maybe consider removing the conjugation of the gerund.  Comfort.
> 
> Cunning piece.
> 
> - D. the T.


Oh gawd... I'm a Spock. Hey, watch out, or I'll spock you ( with my Vulcan Kung-fu grip). 

I was thinking ( for Olly, too..) that the lines could be, but might become 'too', cut. But, yes, I can easily see it. All of those cuts work. I think I'm in a speaking ( how it is naturally spoken) mode, lately. Interesting that some say to expand; some, to go the other way. For whatever reason cutting is easier for me right now, having lost that original, inspirational feeling. ( sorry...so fleeting). 

Sebald ( phone keeps wanting to put a v instead of b), Silvermoon -  It really was a better mousetrap, which is a (what is that word) , a catch-phrase(?) a metaphor, has become a metaphor, but this being the actual thing ( only took them how long?), I'm reluctant to alter the reality, artistically embellish, when it is literally a plastic tunnel with a rounded chamber, the mouse's back feet and tail barely visible after, ehr...'snap'. No more bulging eyes...( no need to detail). Thank you for reading ( and your time  ). My observations are almost that of the salesman's. Geez. Thank you, again.

edit: and thank you Nellie. I couldn't see page two as I was writing my reply and I have to constantly refer back to rely property (re-remind, as it were) myself, make sure I didn't forget or skip or not read it right...  It has been pointed out that my reply to the second group was tardy, and I apologize for that, having read them yesterday but not feeling I could reply properly until I had the time to focus so I could at least attempt to not do a poor job of it. I'm probably missing something right now. I hope at least, that ifs by of these crits are not used on this one they might at least be so in the future, that having happened in the past ( that a suggestion did inspire on another..). I still feel like I'm missing something here in my reply, and now I've got to run out ( got a call from work..) .


----------



## Sebald (Aug 19, 2017)

Have you drunk a lot of coffee today, Kevin?


----------



## SilverMoon (Aug 19, 2017)

> Originally Posted by *Kevin*
> 
> It really was a better mousetrap, which is a (what is that word) , a catch-phrase(?)


 LOL! You are too clever. Kevin!



> is literally a plastic tunnel with a rounded chamber, the mouse's back feet and tail barely visible after, ehr...'snap'. No more bulging eyes


 It's sooo nice to know there are now "kinder" traps (and thanks for the detailed explanation) I remember the days, hearing those long painful screams, undoing the crude trap, picking up the poor mouse's bloody little tail to bring out to the trash. This is why I went into such "old fashioned"! detail.



> I'm reluctant to alter the reality, artistically embellish,


Like I said, this poem is "your baby" so good! Stick to your guns! :soap: 

And have a good day at work.  Silver:moon:


----------

