# Is this the day (Mature subject matter)



## nerdybynature (Aug 25, 2014)

This is a tribute I wrote a few days ago in light of what's going on in Ferguson, Missouri, to all young minorities such as myself, who this can easily become a reality for.  Critiques are welcome, but this is more of a sharing from me to you.  I am aware that racially charged topics can be found offensive, and my previous posting of this on another site incited some very nasty remarks.  It is all a matter of perspective and interpretation and I truly don't see how anything I wrote could be construed in that way, but if anyone is somehow offended I apologize and feel free to express yourself, otherwise enjoy.


When I woke this morning and left for school
then hung out with my friends and played the fool
I never thought to ask

When I got back home, ate and took a shower
then watched TV shows for about an hour
I never thought to ask

When my cell phone rang and my best friend said , what's up
we got a party to go to so get dressed up
I never thought to ask

When I told my mother bye and closed the front door
and my friends yelled turn up, as I closed the car door
I never thought to ask

When the lights flashed behind us and our smiles turned to frowns
and the police officer yelled for us to get out and lay down
I never thought to ask

As tensions ran high and we ask, what did we do
and the officer grabs his gun and aims at us to shoot
I never thought to ask

Will I make it home, can I ever go back
or is this the day I die, die for being black


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## Deleted member 56686 (Aug 25, 2014)

I'm not offended. One of these days we will get it into our thick skulls that we are the same. It is good to get your feelings out somehow.


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## aj47 (Aug 25, 2014)

I am not going to critique this, per se.  Some general comments though.  You start out with true rhyme, which sets up an expectation in the reader that you do not meet further along.  

You also have a short last stanza.  If this is symbolic, okay, but maybe you want to put a final line to end it as a separate line from your last stanza.  Since it's your work, I don't want to make suggestions.

While I'm here (swapping reader hat for mentor hat) the rules don't permit the kind of comments you allude to in your introduction.  If you're the first to spot such a post, there's a little triangle with a ! in it that you can click on to report it. Don't hesitate just because you think you might be too sensitive--the moderators' job is to determine what is and isn't over the line.  And if you wait to report the first one, it could breed others.


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## Nellie (Aug 25, 2014)

canceled message, will post my own poem regarding same subject


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## ElijahChristian (Aug 25, 2014)

I enjoyed reading this. In my opinion, it paints a clear picture of what minorities may have to endure that others may not understand. Great expression of your feelings.


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## Diatsu (Aug 25, 2014)

Great poem, I feel as though you portrayed the feelings of the people in ferguson perfectly, aswell as giving your own opinion, but showing it in a non-offensive manor; which can be difficult in a touchy subject such as this.


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## nerdybynature (Aug 25, 2014)

Nellie said:


> canceled message, will post my own poem regarding same subject




looking forward to reading it


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## nerdybynature (Aug 25, 2014)

astroannie said:


> I am not going to critique this, per se.  Some general comments though.  You start out with true rhyme, which sets up an expectation in the reader that you do not meet further along.
> 
> You also have a short last stanza.  If this is symbolic, okay, but maybe you want to put a final line to end it as a separate line from your last stanza.  Since it's your work, I don't want to make suggestions.
> 
> While I'm here (swapping reader hat for mentor hat) the rules don't permit the kind of comments you allude to in your introduction.  If you're the first to spot such a post, there's a little triangle with a ! in it that you can click on to report it. Don't hesitate just because you think you might be too sensitive--the moderators' job is to determine what is and isn't over the line.  And if you wait to report the first one, it could breed others.



I don't normally delve into poetry so I'm curious to know what were your expectations versus what I actually wrote, as I know this is your area of interest  . and yes the last stanza was purposefully short.


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## Deleted member 56686 (Aug 25, 2014)

I'm not really a poet either Nerdy but I liked the style.


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## aj47 (Aug 25, 2014)

nerdybynature said:


> ... school
> ... fool
> 
> ... shower
> ...



The first two rhyme exactly.  School and fool; shower and hour (if you say them the same way--that's a dialect issue).

What's up and dressed up don't rhyme.  The "up" rhymes but the the emphasis is on the syllable before so it sounds better if those rhyme as well. Especially if you say it like "WHAT'S up" and not "what's UP" but that's a dialect issue as well. 

It's not that what you're doing is wrong; it's that after school/fool and shower/hour the reader thinks they're all going to rhyme like that.  And it disrupts your flow if the reader notices the difference, which many will.

Try reading it out loud.  I don't mean for anyone else but you. If you can, record it and then listen to yourself.  You might get a feeling for what I'm talking about.

The reason I didn't want to critique (and still don't) is that what you say is vital and I don't want to do anything to discourage your voice.


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## nerdybynature (Aug 25, 2014)

Ok I see what you're saying Astroannie, I will keep that in mind for future poetic endeavors


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## Firemajic (Aug 26, 2014)

I enjoyed reading this,and seeing the event from your unique perspective.  Peace...Jul


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## Chesters Daughter (Aug 26, 2014)

Greetings Daryl,



astroannie said:


> The reason I didn't want to critique (and still don't) is that what you say is vital and I don't want to do anything to discourage your voice.




 I echo Ms. A's sentiment here. Therefore, I will only make mention of minor nits. She's already given you excellent advice regarding the rhyme. I believe it should be lie down as opposed to lay. There is also a tense issue in the penultimate stanza, you went from past to present, which is fine, but then ran should be run. You may want to consider altering the last stanza just a bit, but remember, this is my opinion only, so please ignore me if you see fit:

Will I make it home, can I ever go back
or is this the day I die


for being black


The elimination of the second die and allowing the last line to stand on its own provides more of a punch in my humble opinion. Again, just my opinion and easily dismissed should that be your desire. I liked this, it's topical, the repetition works really well, and you hold the reader's attention. Kudos. Hope to see more from you soon. We learn by doing around here, lol.

Off topic: what part of Brooklyn, dear? I'm Brooklyn born and raised and proud of it.

Lisa


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## nerdybynature (Aug 27, 2014)

Chester's Daughter said:


> Greetings Daryl,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you for the input, this was my first serious attempt at poetry so I really do appreciate it, and I hope to find the inspiration to write more.

I currently live in the Midwood area of Brooklyn, about 10 maybe 15 minutes away from coney island. I grew up east flatbush though, I'm Jamaican so as a fellow Brooklynite, I'm sure you could've pretty much guessed where I grew up, lol.  Now i'm curious, where in brooklyn are you originally from?


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## ahmetax (Aug 27, 2014)

Hi nerdybynature,
Sometimes, it is not very easy to say some things that must be said.
But, poets are brave.
Go on!
As astroannie said, be more careful about your rhymes.
Greetings!


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