# Strange Intimacy



## Firemajic (Apr 28, 2018)

*In my private intimate dreams
I run to you clothed only
in uninhibited desire
no longer shy I give my passion
permission to worship you
on my knees

My lips are wantonly experienced 
and my skilled hands know
their place on your body
kneeling at your feet
gazing boldly into your eyes
my lust is perfectly unrestrained
I tell no lies
shy subterfuge is not for lovers
when every demand must be satisfied

In the sharp daytime light
I slip on my shades
disguise my fire eyes
I pass you and nod in your direction
my nighttime lips curve
around a disinterested cool smile

Your eyes tell me 
you think I am one
 cold Bitch....


*


----------



## ned (Apr 30, 2018)

hello - enjoyed this wildly passionate poem, before the flames are doused.

in uninhibited - nice assonance, but a bit of a trip. 
*
my nighttime lips curve
around a disinterested cool smile

*doesn't quite nail it for me - faint recognition...

*my lust is perfectly unrestrained
**shy subterfuge is not for lovers

*hot stuff for a cold bitch................Ned


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 30, 2018)

Ned, I have a feeling I missed the mark on this... this is about a woman having fantasies about a man she sees every day... They pass each other, she gives him a cool polite smile, and his impression of her, from her polite smile, is that she is one cold Bitch... lol....


----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 30, 2018)

> I give my passion permission to worship


A nice bit of alliteration.

I didn't get it, but my fault, I skimmed the first line and didn't realise it was fantasy. then thought she saw him next day. I don't know if you can emphasise the fantasy element?


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 30, 2018)

Olly Buckle said:


> A nice bit of alliteration.
> 
> I didn't get it, but my fault, I skimmed the first line and didn't realise it was fantasy. then thought she saw him next day. I don't know if you can emphasise the fantasy element?



Yes... I could... or... I could emphasize the fact that they are strangers......


----------



## sas (Apr 30, 2018)

*I missed meaning switch. Anyway, I tweaked stanza where the pivot happens. Maybe something like this?: 

In flouresent office light
I slip on my shades to hide
from you my fire eyes
as I pass with a nod in your direction
while my nighttime lips curve around
a cool daytime smile
*


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 30, 2018)

sas said:


> *I missed meaning switch. Anyway, I tweaked stanza where the pivot happens. Maybe something like this?:
> 
> In flouresent office light
> I slip on my shades to hide
> ...




I like it... but do you think the last stanza should stay?


----------



## sas (Apr 30, 2018)

I might try a simple mono line ending. I like the message.  Fiddle around with it. I can only think of:

I’m one cold bitch, you think.


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 30, 2018)

Thank you, sas... this poem is important to me...My Mother was taught that a woman's sexual desires were something a woman should hide...as if it was something to be ashamed of... that is what inspired this poem...


----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 30, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> Thank you, sas... this poem is important to me...My Mother was taught that a woman's sexual desires were something a woman should hide...as if it was something to be ashamed of... that is what inspired this poem...



She was not alone in that, my generation was the first to question it properly I think, and there were still plenty who didn't. Sometimes it amazes me how much the socialnorms have changed in such a short time when they hardly did for yoinks.


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 30, 2018)

In many cultures still, it is taboo for a woman to express pleasure.... yet in the same cultures, women are objectified as sexual objects, and young women are mutilated... I think maybe I need a different approach to this poem...


----------



## Caleb Murdock (May 1, 2018)

AFTER having read all the posts and explanations, the poem seems clear to me.  The question is, how many times do you want your readers to have to read it in order to understand it?  In my experience, there are levels of being explicit in a poem, and I think you should boost the explicit language.  (Ironically, "explicit" can mean "clear" or "lewd" -- I am using it to mean "clear".)

You might start the poem with how cool, poised and stand-offish you are in your office suits, and then launch into your private sexual fantasy.  That will set the reader up for the "cold bitch" ending (which, honestly, makes me feel uncomfortable, as I don't think women should ever be described that way).  Or you could move the "cold bitch" language to the beginning:

*You must think I'm a cold bitch
in my tailored office suits,
poised, demure, smile fixed* (or whatever language you want)
*But* in my intimate dreams
I run to you clothed only
in uninhibited desire;
no longer shy, I give my passion
permission to worship you
on my knees

But if you do this, you'll have to come up with a new ending.

"private intimate" is redundant -- you need only one of those words.


----------

