# Lavishness



## SilverMoon (May 19, 2011)

Outside this May window,
morning dew; tiniest pill drop
and its cock-crow sisters, 
make a midget’s rain
on leaf below and leaf below.

Behind her woods
the sun is an orange
then a lively lemon, giant,
lazy to rise.

Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
diaphanous death.

She crushes the cigarette
into a coffee saucer.
It spits in the last
bean brown,
the last wake-up 
ground.

Now, she'll not leave this porch
till the sun is a spotlight,
spotless in the sky
over the forest,
its bark desert dry.

She has this luxury every morning,
then chomps through the daylight hours
like some fat caterpillar.

The owl jeer hoots
whilst she lay on her bed, 
wondering what 
she brought to this day.


----------



## Chesters Daughter (May 19, 2011)

You've changed it since my first read, Law. I can see your image vividly, you lucky girl, how I envy you that porch. Loved "tiny pill drop", "midget's rain", "It spits in the last bean brown,
the last wake-up ground.", and this is to die for: "I chomp through the daylight hours like some fat caterpillar." Of course you had to go and flip everything around in the last stanza, but if you didn't, it would be you, Mistress Gloom. A few things, in the first stanza, I think you need some type of punctuation after morning, a comma or a colon, but something. It's a bit awkward as is. In S2 I'm going to go technical on you, the sun is usually orange before it's yellow, so unless you are using lemon as a descriptive noun, meaning it's bad (like a car) because it's slow in rising, lemon and orange should be transposed. There's a typo in diaphanous and in the final stanza if its a singular owl, jeers should be used, or else owls needs an s to use jeer. A bit different for you, beauty in beauty, that's a nice switch, but then there's that last stanza, always the monkey wrench. lol.


----------



## SilverMoon (May 19, 2011)

Thanks, Lisa, for your catches and that you liked the imagery.



> In S2 I'm going to go technical on you, the sun is usually orange before it's yellow


 
Not technical. Apparent. A dyslexic state of mind. And, afterall, I do believe "lively lemon" actually reads better.



> I think you need some type of punctuation after morning


 
morning dew, tiniest pill drop


I believe the comma should follow "dew" as "morning" is the descriptive word standing as is.


Thanks for catching the typo. How could I have butchered such a beautiful word!





> and in the final stanza if its a singular owl, jeers should be used, or else owls needs an s to use jeer.


 
The owl jeer hoots

I used creative license, here, using "jeer" as an adjective. 




> then there's that last stanza, always the monkey wrench. lol.


 
Always, always the monkey wrench. I can't seem to let even nature be. But then you know it's more than about that.

Thank you, again, for your input. Your Mistress of Gloom who went pretty for awhile.


----------



## Chesters Daughter (May 19, 2011)

Ugh, blasted Nico, now he's decided I can't use the computer and he's been pulling my hair and biting my ear all day. I'm an idiot, I meant punctuation after window, morning is fine. Between the ringing of the stupid phone and the blasted bird, I keep having to pause and then lose my train of thought, I typed the wrong word, sorry. Okay, I've wrapped my head around owl jeer hoot. Your license is not revoked, lol. And today, you're Mistress of Bloom who moonlights as a handyman or handylady or handyperson to account for that monkey wrench. I'll shut up now.


----------



## SilverMoon (May 19, 2011)

Put a muzzle on that Nico! You'll have no hair and we need your finely tuned ear for poetry's sake.



> I meant punctuation after window,


 
Done. Had to throw in a semi-colon.



> Your license is not revoked


 
Thank God! I've literally been there before. You're reminding me!

Ha! Mistress of Bloom. I fear I've lost my rep with this one! But a girl's gotta come up for air once in awhile. Be prepared for the next one. Gloom shall never take the back seat!


----------



## Gumby (May 20, 2011)

What a beautiful view you must have, Laurie.  I enjoyed spending it with you through your eyes. And you didn't disappoint at the end, as Lisa said, the monkey wrench.


----------



## SilverMoon (May 20, 2011)

Thank you, Cindy. At first I wrote this in First Person Singular then realized it wasn't angsty enough for Confessional Poetry so I changed it to Second Personal Singular - more of a human interest piece. I _was_ inspired while having coffee on my porch looking out to the trees, at 5am! And I do love the woods.


I had imagined a lady of leizure sensitive enough to appreciate nature but the question is what did she do with her day? I imagined nothing of importance. Hence, she reflects on the end of her day. 



> The owl jeer hoots
> whilst she lay on her bed,
> wondering what
> she brought to the day.


 
A mild monkey wrench compared to my usual.


----------



## Nellie (May 20, 2011)

Laurie,

You're quote- "You never write about flowers unless there are weeds," sort of conjures the 1st stanza of the poem, although there are no flowers to speak of, you do see beyond the obvious- the morning dew on leaf after leaf, like midget rain. Great imagery!


----------



## SilverMoon (May 20, 2011)

Cindy, thanks for commenting on the imagery. Something I'm very comfortable with.


----------



## A Saucerful of Secrets (May 21, 2011)

This has a Robert Frost feel to it and I loved it, great imagery in the stanzas:

'Behind her woods
the sun is an orange
then a lively lemon, giant,
lazy to rise.'

and particularly enjoyed how you followed on with:

'Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
*diaphanous death.'  (*great alliteration)

the last stanza just finishes it perfectly.

Thanks for sharing it Laurie.

Patricia


----------



## SilverMoon (May 21, 2011)

Thanks, Patricia. A Robert Frost feel? What a great compliment. Glad you dug the imagery! Laurie


----------



## Angel101 (May 21, 2011)

I also loved the imagery here! You've created a beautiful picture in my mind with this. I especially liked this part:



> Behind her woods
> the sun is an orange
> then a lively lemon, giant,
> lazy to rise.


 
I think the only issue I'm having is this:



> Nothing is fruitless this day
> except for smoke out
> from her mouth, coiling;
> diaphanous death.


 
It's just a little touch of ugly in the beauty--and I am ALL for that. But I think the issue is that right now it feels out of place. For me, if you're going to have this here, then I feel like you should expand and create a greater contrast. This may just be me, though.

Really beautiful work. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## SilverMoon (May 21, 2011)

Thank you so much, Angel, and for quoting your favorite images.

Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
diaphanous death. 

I wanted to take a quick turn, here. We discover, suddenly (for effect) that all is beautiful around her then she sullies it. Something is going on with this woman. I liked the contrast. But I am now thinking about your suggestion. There could be greater contrast which for me _would_ require more length. Something to think about. Thank you. Laurie


----------



## WhitakerRStanton (May 22, 2011)

~


----------



## SilverMoon (May 22, 2011)

Thanks, Whitaker. This is one of my more "compact" poems. I wasn't overly thrilled with it but given the feedback I guess it has its place amongst the good.


----------

