# I need to rant about the state of my life where no one I know will see it.



## hannahbellss (Dec 11, 2011)

I've struggled with depression for what seems like forever, but is really just a little over a year. I'm not seeing anyone about it for a number of reasons, but I know I probably should be.
It started in September of last year.  I was just really lonely. I felt wrong for being sad and I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I couldn't see how anyone would ever possibly understand that I was sad for no reason. People noticed how down I was, and, just like I had guessed, they didn't understand. They got mad at me for not wanting to go out, not putting effort into anything.
That's when I started cutting. I'm not sure exactly what made me start and I don't know what I thought would happen. All I knew was that I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it. I never thought I was a real cutter. 
Once a boy saw my cuts when I took my shirt off and he actually understood and he held me and he told me I wasn't alone. He was the first person to see them. He pulled me out of my denial and helped me actually see what I was doing. I'm eternally grateful to him for that. 
Another boy saw them and started screaming at me. He threatened to cut himself the next time I cut myself. He called me selfish and disgusting and made me feel so horribly weak. 
My state worsened. People started to find out, people I never wanted to find out. People that were supposed to be my friends outright abandoned me and I felt so isolated. 
Then, in January, my entire life fell apart. My friend killed herself, a family friend died of a cancer that no one informed me she had, people at school started to hate me, the only friend I had left was wasting away from an eating disorder, I had horrible issues with my father, my childhood dog died, my grades were dropping, I was withdrawing from everything. I didn't want to live. 
I healed a bit after go through that. I stopped cutting for a little while. I relapsed a few times and had bad days, but for the most part I was a little better from March to August. I had a happy summer, and the year started well.
Starting this November I started going downhill again. My cutting got out of control. I kept cutting veins by accident and bleeding and bleeding and being half terrified and half hopeful that I would die. About a week ago I stopped cutting because of how bad it had gotten. I'm so numb now. I can't even cry anymore. Every emotion I have buries itself inside of me and adds to this heavy, hopeless feeling. I think about killing myself constantly. I've planned my own suicide out a thousand times in my head. The thought won't leave. I have this constant, terrifying urge to destroy myself in any way possible. 
I have so many friends and people that care about me, but I can't talk to anyone. I'm surrounded by people but I'm so lonely. My life is so perfect now, but I'm more miserable that I can even explain. Sometimes I think I'm happy. I really do. I smile the entire day and I come home and I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone who loves their life. But then the thoughts come back. Then the heavy feeling makes me want to close off the rest of the world.  I can't escape myself. I really can't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.


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## Kevin (Dec 11, 2011)

Don't give up. You're not the only one. Call for help. There are those who can help you. That's what they do. Search online. Call a hotline. Please! There is hope. So what if they find out? Who cares what your peers or your friends think? Screw them. You didn't cause this. It just happens. You can't fix it by yourself. Get help. Talk! Do it for you, your future family...


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## Eluixa (Dec 11, 2011)

Time to change course. Nothing matters but your holding on. School, work, whichever, it can wait. Ask for help. Insist. Do like Kevin said and find someone who will take you seriously if your family won't. 
This sounds so simple, but truly, getting into the sun helps. Hiking, biking. And so the heck what if that is what needs doing for six months. Another suggestion is to pour yourself into something. Something you care deeply about or enjoy tremendously. Write, play with clay, or anything that puts you in the now and you lose hours doing. Something is not working, obviously. We feel silly and self important and selfish in making a radical change, but each of those things is true and necessary. We are all silly, true, but we must be important to us, and selfish enough to do what needs doing to stay around. There is no reason not to make changes, whatever changes make it better. Much love. And the boy that said disgusting was simply very afraid.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Dec 11, 2011)

Get help.

Seriously. Preferably professional help. You need someone to help you through this. Doing it alone is only going to make it harder. Do everything you can to make healing easier for yourself. 

One thing I suggest you do is involve yourself in something that will benefit someone other than yourself. Volunteer for something. Donate to charity. Help out at a soup kitchen or animal shelter, or here's an idea - get a pet that you can take care of. If you have something or someone that benefits from having you around, maybe that will lessen the heavy feeling/thoughts of suicide. 

I wish you all the best. Don't give up.


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## JosephB (Dec 11, 2011)

In addition to seeking professional help, I strongly recommend a book about dealing with depression called _Feeling Good_ by Dr. David Burns, a professor of psychiatry at the Stanford University.  It’s about recognizing and dealing with negative thinking patterns or cognitive distortions. It’s easy to read and widely recommended by health professionals – it’s not some lame self-help book. Best of luck.


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## hannahbellss (Dec 11, 2011)

The problem with me getting professional help is the fact that a.) I'm under aged and my parents are very dismissive of the issue (mostly because they don't know the extent of it, but still) and b.) if I told the honest truth to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist I would most likely be hospitalized and that doesn't sound especially appealing to me.


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## hannahbellss (Dec 11, 2011)

I have to say, though, my support system right now is very good. I have many friends that love me and no shortage of people I could talk to if I chose to and I know how blessed I am to have that. But I can't help but close myself off from it. I feel to guilty to talk to anyone and I feel like I don't deserve to have people that care about me and because of it I isolate myself.


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## BabaYaga (Dec 12, 2011)

Hannah, the first thing you need to try to do, and it's hard, but you  have to know that you are going to be okay. I know that 'okay' probably  seems a million miles away from where you are now, but just try to say  it to yourself until you kind of start to believe it. You are going to  be okay. And you do deserve to have people who love you in your life,  because everyone does. 

It can be very hard to speak to the  people we love about the way we are feeling. In your parent's case, it  probably hard for them to accept that you are depressed, because as my  dad once put it, 'what do you have to be depressed about?' For them to  see you hurting makes them feel like they are not good parents, it's not  an attack on you, it's their defense. 

Dreamworx95  has a point, your parents might raise their eyebrows at you wanting to  go to a psychologist, but you could probably get away with asking them  to and read to the blind or help out an animal shelter, something that  will help you feel better about your self-worth while you are helping  others. It's hard to isolate yourself when you know there are people out  there who are depending on you to help them- and it's good to know that  they _can _depend on you, because you are strong enough and capable enough to let them. 

Physically,  try getting some 5HTP and/or Gabba- or (not as good) some St. John's  Wort and Valerian root. Mild, daily exercise also increases serotonin in  your brain. Stay as busy as you can and do as many things every day as  you can that make you feel good, as Eluxia said. 

These are the techniques I use  for dealing with the depression I have had and the self-destruction it  brings with it. I hope they help you too. 

No matter how bad things get, just remember to wait till tomorrow. If you keep waiting till tomorrow, the tomorrow *will* come when you feel better. 

Sending good vibes your way.


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## Jon M (Dec 12, 2011)

The worst thing you could do is hold it in. It just makes suffering worse. So if you can find someone to talk to, even if it's just someone online, like here, that will help. I don't know how you get past the feelings that you 'don't deserve' other people's company, but try. That is a toxic way of thinking, and it's probably far from the truth, and all it does is ensure that you remain alone. 

Best regards.


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## KangTheMad (Dec 12, 2011)

Wyhat I have to say is personal, so I sent you a PM. Listen to the others here. They are older (and hopefully  ) wiser than I. Stay strong in your time of need.


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## Zedten (Dec 15, 2011)

Dear Hannah,

Keep strong, take each day a day at a time, don't  feel guilty for what you're going through, you're not alone, I can  totally relate to writing on here because no-one you know will see. 
To quote the Desiderata "you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here." 

It  sounds like you have gone through a terrible time and depression will  make it doubly difficult to deal with the losses around you. 
That  sadness will pass, and you will be able to remember good memories of  them to treasure in time. Life will get better, what you feed  grows.....do something for you that makes you happy each day.

You must be a strong person because you have made the positive move to write about your feelings on here. 

I  can relate to self harming. I couldn't talk about it at the time and  one boyfriend gave me a similar response. I was so ashamed. But when I  couldn't cry anymore it was the only release. To anyone else reading  this, don't try it, it is like an addiction, and hard to stop. It wasn't  for attention, I tried to hide it, but I didn't realise how easily I  scarred. I can talk about it now, though not with my immediate family. Sometimes it is easier talking to someone who doesn't know you, who can understand and not pass judgement.
I  don't do it now, it was just my way of coping with going through a  difficult time, and yes it may return to me in the future, but because I  have been through it and dealt with it I am stronger. 

Exercise and something you feel passionate about all help. If there's nothing you can think of that you like, then try something new. 
Talking  does help, here in the UK there's something called 'Childline' a free  phone line for under 18's to talk about anything. Do you have anything  like that where you are? 

Do do stuff like volunteer and help out or have something like a pet to care for, that all helps too. 

Don't ever think  of ending your life, there is so much you can achieve, so much wonder,  love and happiness your future holds that you don't know of yet. You are worth so much more.

Take care, keep looking at the blue sky, it's still there, even behind the clouds. 

xox


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## hannahbellss (Jan 21, 2012)

I'm sorry I took so long to reply to this. 
Thank you so much, seriously. Every one of these comments means a lot to me.


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## hannahbellss (Aug 28, 2012)

I feel bad digging this up after so long but I just wanted to let everyone that was supportive of me know that I started seeing a psychologist this summer and I'm trying very hard to get the most out of it and I haven't done anything self destructive in months.


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## Zedten (Aug 28, 2012)

That's so good to hear  and so glad you let us know xx


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## Eluixa (Aug 31, 2012)

Good to see you hangin' in there. Makes me grin, cause you are a tough cookie.


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