# Take cover (short)



## Fei (Jul 31, 2013)

REVISED VERSION

In exchange for his previous salary and quarter of their savings, he and his wife were now the proud owners of two tote bags, a pair of slippers, a tank top, two vials containing scented water and a pair of sunglasses. Louis Vuitton, Valentino, Chanel, Prada, Gucci- code names for daylight robbery.

He was going to strangle Rita.

She knew how hard things were at work- he damn well made sure he told her everyday. Even _she_ couldn't be that oblivious to the sinking economy. She'd even had the gall to call him at work and bring him up to speed on her latest shopping expedition. Yes, _thank_ _God_ she'd been able to get the last pair of sunglasses. It had only cost the equivalent of $300!

He didn't blame the woman. The rest of her family members, in his opinion, needed special licenses to be as ugly as they were. Next to them she was a supermodel. After taking off his  jacket and picking up his toolbox from the boot of his truck, he stomped into the house with righteous fury.

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Dave! This is my sister Bernice, she lives in the city," Rita faltered as her husband's face grew darker,"I t-t-thought-"

"Oh, you had a thought did you? In that case, I can let you off the hook since its unfamiliar territory... isn't Bernice the crazy one who skipped town?" Davide said.

"Davide, please. Bernice is my eldest sister," Rita said. "You look positively livid, did something happen at work?"

"At work?" Davide repeated trying to restrain himself from killing his wife on the spot.
Bernice regarded the tall dark haired man her sister had married from head to toe. She had neither attended their wedding nor asked for pictures to be sent to her. She needed no reminders of her old life.

"I was looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I hadn't had it yet," Bernice said,"Maybe some other time then?"

Davide back tracked. If Bernice was the oldest of the Tokes it meant she controlled the purse strings. Considering the fact that they were _the_ Tokes sisters, it was quite a large purse. He tried a smile but the expression on her flat face remained cool and detached.

"Has Rita always had such expensive tastes? I understand that she's an heiress but I thought she would've waited until she came into her inheritance before-"

Bernice stifled a yawn with the back of her right hand and blinked her eyes. Rita couldn't tell if her husband's eyes were glittering from the subtle rebuff or the size of the rocks on the rings on her sister's fingers. The kitchen already felt ten sizes smaller.

"Oh, go on," she said, "I always yawn when I'm interested."

Davide shifted from one foot to the other wracking his brain on how to salvage the increasingly deteriorating situation. His already jumbled thoughts became even more scattered as he found himself the object of Bernice's piercing black eyes. Then everything fell into place.

"Rita," Bernice said to her younger sister with her eyes still on Davide, "What did you do with the money you received in April from the Tokes estate?"

"Oh, that," Rita said, her face lighting up, "So one evening I was just flipping through channels on the tv- you know Dave _finally_ got the cable fixed up even though we've had it for ages and he kept saying we couldn't afford to pay for-,"

"Rita!" Bernice snapped.

"I gave it to charity."

"Rita, honey, what charity? Did you talk to anyone about this?" Bernice asked, getting to her feet to stand in front of her sister.

"Of course, I'm not stupid you know," Rita said rolling her eyes, "Okay, so I didn't give it directly to charity. I gave it to this business man and hesaid that he would double whatever I gave him after two months then give it to-"

"Just shut up!" Davide said kicking his tool box away with his boot clad foot. The box fell on its side spilling its contents onto the white kitchen tiles. Rita fell silent and watched her husband pick up the pot of soup she'd just warmed. With a flick his wrists, he sent the pot careening across the small kitchen where it landed upside down. He yanked out the blender, socket and all, then proceeded to toss it over his shoulder. He picked up the porcelain tea set they'd gotten as a wedding present and stared at it.

"Dave no-" Bernice slapped her palm over her sister's mouth to muffle her protest.

The delicate cups and saucers offered no resistance and were soon reduced to pieces. When Davide turned to face his wife, Bernice stepped in front of her.

"Get out of my way," he bit out.

Shaking her head, Bernice eyed the distance to the door. As though he'd read her mind, Davide strolled to the door and locked it. When he turned back, she had a knife in her hand.

"Come now Davide, we're reasonable people here, don't you think you're over reacting?"

"Says the woman holding the knife," he said taking a chair and straddling it, "The woman's got to learn and there's no one better to teach her than her husband."

"Dave please, just tell me what's going on," Rita begged from behind her sister.

Davide sighed and got up from the chair. With a casual air he began to unbuckle the belt around his waist. Bernice watched with growing horror reliving her worst nightmare. In the place of Davide, she now saw Bry her first husband who had abused her. Week in and week out she'd had bruises on display all over her body until she'd decided enough was enough.

Bernice embraced the madness once again.

Raising the knife high above her head, she ran full throttle at Davide and sank the blade into his stomach, knocking him to the ground. She couldn't stop now, she had to keep going. Bry had to die. She'd always known she'd be the one to kill him. He had to die or he would hurt her sister.
Why didn't Rita understand she was doing it for her? Why wouldn't she stop screaming and help her instead? Why was she trying to pull her away from Bry? Didn't she know that Bry was a bad man?

Or maybe Rita liked it.

She'd always been the odd one, liking weird things, having imaginary friends. Yes, that was it, Bernice thought. Rita was abnormal, just like Bry. They were both sick and twisted people. She withdrew the knife from dead body and got to her feet. Rita sat on the floor rocking back and forth as she spoke  into her phone. Bernice walked over to her holding out her hand.

"Rita, you've been a very naughty girl..."

_C'est finir?_


OLD VERSION


Any thoughts, suggestions, comments appreciated.

Davide couldn't understand how one person could be so daft in just _one_  lifetime. It made him believe in reincarnation. He had told wife several times that when she received an email, _any _email that said she'd  won a huge amount of money it was a scam. But no, Rita  never listened and now she'd spent his last pay check on 'delivery fees'  in order to claim her 'winnings.' 

He didn't blame the woman, she had lost the ability to think when  she'd realized that she was by far the prettiest of all her family  members who in his opinion, needed special licenses to be as ugly as  they were. After pulling on his heavy jacket and picking up his toolbox  from the boot of his truck, he stomped into the house with righteous  fury. 

"The heck are you?" 

"Dave! Don't be rude, this is my sister...Bernice, she lives in the  city," Rita faltered as her husband's face grew darker,"I t-t-thought-" 

"Oh, you had a thought did you? In that case, I can let you off the  hook since its unfamiliar territory... isn't Bernice the one I heard was  too gay to function so skipped town?" Davide said. 

"Davide! Bernice is my eldest sister and I respect her choices," Rita said wringing her hands. 

Bernice regarded the tall dark haired man her poor sister had had  the misfortune to marry from head to toe, ignoring the speculative look  he was gave her. 

"I was looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I hadn't had it yet," Bernice said,"Maybe some other time then?" 

Davide back tracked. If Bernice was the oldest of the Trilbanes it  meant she controlled the purse strings. Considering the fact that they  were _the_ Trilbane sisters, it was quite a large purse. He tried a smile  but the expression on her flat face remained cool and detached. 

"You know how it is with work and everything, the stress just gets  to you sometimes. My boss has been on my case all week and the man is  just impossible-" 

Bernice stifled a yawn with the back of her right hand and blinked  her eyes sleepily. Rita couldn't tell if her husband's eyes were  glittering from the deliberate insult or from the size of the rocks on  the rings on her sister's fingers. All of a sudden, the kitchen felt ten  sizes smaller. 

"Oh, go on," she said, "I always yawn when I'm interested." 

Davide shifted from one foot to the other as he wracked his brain on  how to salvage the increasingly deteriorating situation. His already  jumbled thoughts became even more scattered as he found himself the  object of Bernice's sharp grey eyes. 

"Rita, I think Clara was right, he does have that far away look. The  farther he is, the better he looks," Bernice said to her younger  sister. 

"I beg your pardon?!" 

"You do not deserve it!" Bernice retorted, rising to her feet as Davide moved towards her, clenching his fists. 

Glancing between her husband and her eldest sister, Rita's unease  grew. They stood on opposite sides of the square-shaped side table  sizing each other up. Sparks seemed to ignite the air as they tried  to stare each other down- smoky grey against ocean blue. The kitchen was  silent as a grave- the calm before the storm.


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## Kelson (Jul 31, 2013)

Hello Fei,

Decent overall I'd say. I did want to keep reading but I am sensing a couple of issues here. There are some grammatical problems such as, "ignoring the speculative look he was gave her," unless that was an editing oversight. 

Also the whole thing is just a little over the top... "righteous fury" really, over what? Her using his paycheck on the scam? If that is the case I would add a little more clarity as it gets lost between the opening and his entry. Wringing hands? Think about it: how many times have you seen someone _actually_ wringing their hands? Davide clenching his fists--also over-the-top. I would take the time to _build up_ to the confrontation which is usually a great vehicle for _building character & tension together_. 

This is still good though, "her family members who in his opinion, needed special licenses to be as ugly as they were" is positively brilliant! 

If you would like to weigh my feedback against my talent then please by all means web search Kelson's Challenge or Kelson Hargis. All my stuff is free though you have to join my site (also free) for the good stuff... 

Keep writing. I look forward to it...

Kelson


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## Fei (Aug 1, 2013)

Thanks Kelson. Yes, you're right... I'll re-dramatize it  yup, that was an oversight


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## Lucifer (Aug 6, 2013)

not my cup o' tea but I indeed read through this story, first off there are grammatical errors and questionable sentence structure ... "...He had told wife several times that..."  to prevent this walk away from work, return with editors hat on, re-read and edit. or better yet have someone else proofread it for you. I know it's difficult for me to get someone to but it helps a lot. second the emotions where over reactionary and why insult Rita's sister if he KNEW she was loaded? why treat Rita horridly in front of Bernice if he wanted to be in the good graces of the "Trilbane" clan? just saying.. otherwise the banter back and forth was good and the character structure was there as well. the story flowed well and ended on a high dramatic note which I liked. keep it up.


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## Fei (Sep 24, 2013)

thanks... I've revised this and I'll post the current version on top


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## midnightpoet (Sep 24, 2013)

One thing to add to what the other have said, version one on viewpoint.  I assume it was omniscient,  but the back-and forth viewpoint changes were jarring to me, and seemed forced.  Just a thought, good luck.


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## Fei (Sep 24, 2013)

midnightpoet said:


> One thing to add to what the other have said, version one on viewpoint.  I assume it was omniscient,  but the back-and forth viewpoint changes were jarring to me, and seemed forced.  Just a thought, good luck.



No one else has seen the first one yet so its just your opinion now. Both versions, I would say, are different. Please give an example of what you mean of 'back and forth viewpoint changes' thanks.


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## midnightpoet (Sep 26, 2013)

Fei said:


> No one else has seen the first one yet so its just your opinion now. Both versions, I would say, are different. Please give an example of what you mean of 'back and forth viewpoint changes' thanks.


This is just on the revised version.  
1st paragraph: omnicient?
2nd paragraph:his?
3rd paragraph:hers?
4th paragraph:his?
5th paragraph:who is speaking?>

Again, just my opinion; it's your story, though.  Go with your choice.  Good luck.


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## Gypsy (Oct 7, 2013)

I really enjoy the stream of conscious, I am not able to differentiate between the emotions as well with the dialogue. I would suggest that you wrote out the characters a paragraph each, then use that to recreate the motion with their attitudes. As for the grammar or structure you are far more advanced that myself.


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## john123 (Oct 13, 2013)

good improvement from the previous version. the streamlined point of view makes comprehension allot easier. the dialogue between the characters is also well done. making understanding of the situation easier.

- - - Updated - - -

good improvement from the previous version. the streamlined point of view makes comprehension allot easier. the dialogue between the characters is also well done. making understanding of the situation easier.


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## ma348212 (Oct 29, 2013)

I would advise against speech tags that exceed the typical "said," "explained," "yelled," etc. That may seem bland, but there is a good reason for the simplicity: It keeps our attention on the dialogue. For example:

_"Rita, honey, what charity? Did you talk to anyone about this?" Bernice asked, getting to her feet to stand in front of her sister.
_
After all that explanation, I've already forgotten what Bernice asked; all I see is her standing up. It's better to keep speech and action separate, in my opinion. That way, we focus more on each; and they come together naturally.


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