# The Wolves



## BenjaminTaggart (Dec 26, 2014)

This is a little out take of a short story I wrote this morning quickly at breakfast. It's my first upload so tell me if I'm good or not. I'm 17 years old and probably made heaps of mistakes in this so please destroy me for it  cheers everyone!


For the sand was that of the shade of blonde that streaked through her hair, and the ocean that met it was that of the eyes that unrestrainedly haunted his nights and entrapped him in a cage of sleeplessness. When every being but the stars had descended into a deep slumber, he would ride a train through past memories, and once every night, the train would creak to a stop. When he looked out the window he would see a peach sunset sparingly cast through a thick evergreen forest at the far end of a weat field, and beside it a small, glowing lake that reflected the twilight. And there, in the centre of this beautiful setting, was her. And she was dancing. A spinning twirling dance that made the long summer dress she was wearing rise and fall softly with the rhythm of her feet. Every step she took was perfect, and every waver her hips made was harmonising to the way her hair bounced on it's curls. 
Every night, he would slam the window that separated them, calling out to her in desperation. Every night he would try frantically to undo the seat belt that held him fast to his seat. Every night he sat there in the leather prison, tears cascading down his face as he realised it was impossible. And as she continued to dance blissfully into the evergreen, the train continued it's route as he finally became numb.


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## Firemajic (Dec 26, 2014)

This is an intriguing concept for a story. Your imagery is very well done, [the sand, the ocean, the evergreens, wheat field] all of this puts the reader right in the scene. I really loved the idea of riding the train through memories. Watch your spelling and don't forget to check your punctuation, Keep up the good work. You have a wonderful imagination and great story telling skills. Thank you for sharing your story with me.  Peace always...Julia


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## LeeC (Dec 26, 2014)

Well Ben, I'm not sure what you've got here. Yet another flowery rendition of love lost, forced separation, or more generally the freedom of experiencing nature lost for some inexplicable reason? 

The point is that you've taken 243 words to convey a state of mind/a situation/whatever, which otherwise might have been conveyed in a couple sentences, and given some relevance in a storyline. 

I'm sorry, but to me writing isn't about how many words one can string together, but rather about capturing the reader's attention in making your story come alive in their mind's eye. Yes, let you imagination soar, but then if you wish to share your thoughts, try to convey them in a manner that pulls the reader in to see where you're going. 

Beyond that, another aspect is presentation. Brilliance doesn't shine through when a piece has distracting SP&G issues. 

Please understand that it's not my intent to be unkind, but to try to get across the underlying effort involved in conveyance of a conception by means of the written word alone. 

I hope this helps in some small way


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## TKent (Dec 26, 2014)

Hey Ben,

Glad you are here and posting! You asked if it is good but keep in mind that there are many aspects of good. Is it a good story? Is it good writing? Is it good character development? Etc. Anyway here are my thoughts but I'm no expert.

So a minute on SPaG: Several people mentioned it but I'll echo their thoughts, at a minimum, I suggest that you use spell check to get rid of spelling errors and to check it for grammar and punctuation issues as well. Sure, everyone will have some, but you had so many that it made me stop too many times to fully take in the writing. (Think of these issues as speed bumps, assuming you have speed bumps where you are from - they can really make for a jarring ride.) If you did review it carefully and didn't catch them, then set aside time every single day to work on grammar and punctuation and spelling tutorials, studies, etc. There are tons of resources on the web. I think of it as an artists materials, you need to have good materials in order to create good art. Granted, if you have money to burn and/or a publisher who is going to provide proofing services, then you could get away without it _*maybe*_, but your best bet is to pay attention to these things. When you post here, what you want to be getting is feedback on your writing, and it will be hard to get that if people are stumbling over these other issues. 

On formatting: I suggest putting an extra space between paragraphs, even though it won't be that way in a published book. The goal is to make it easy to read and it sort of breaks it up. I even change my fonts to Times New Roman or Palatino or one of the other serif fonts, and increase the font size to make it easier to read. This is easy enough to do on the full site, not sure if you are using Mobile.

Writing style: I loved your prose. It shows tons of potential, so I sure hope you keep it up. At 17, especially. Wow! I loved sentences like the one below. I think you painted a vivid picture of the girl dancing and the overall scene with your description.



> When every being but the stars had descended into a deep slumber, he would ride a train through past memories, and once every night, the train would creak to a stop.



Some sentences were a little awkward to me. Such as this this one, I thought it was poetic but I stumbled on "wast that of the shade of blonde": _For the sand was that of the shade of blonde that streaked through her hair._

That is writing, you'll hone your style over time. Keep practicing. 

As far as overall story, don't know since this is an outtake. Writing is just a small part of the process of writing (haha), crafting good stories is also very important, developing good characters, etc. So keep writing and keep sharing and keep reading/studying other stories that work well for you and try to tear apart what they did, study the craft - there are excellent resources on the internet. 

You are probably already doing these things but just in case, these are my suggestions.

I hope you will continue to tweak this and share a larger section at some point that gives us a better idea of the story and where you are taking it!


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## Loro (Dec 26, 2014)

Hi Ben,

I liked what I read despite not knowing the context, because it certainly did transmit a lot of emotion. You really have a vivid writing style and despite the grammatical errors and some awkward sentences (which the others already mentioned) you got me interested in this beautiful girl and this haunted man. I can feel his anguish and solitude and the setting you put the girl in was clear to me! The overall style is very poetic and full, and I imagine this paragraph at the beginning of a novel or chapter to set the mood. I'd be curious to read some more of your writing and see how you write about other more mundane situations. Good read and thanks for sharing.


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## Apex (Dec 26, 2014)

Well Ben,
Your first effort is far better than mine was. Save it. Never throw it away. This piece will be your yard stick. Very six months, take it out, and read it against your newest work. The road you are on is one all writers have dreamed, and cursed on. I won't rate your first work, you're to new at it. This I will say; The effort you made was perfect.


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## SwitchBack (Dec 26, 2014)

BenjaminTaggart said:


> For the sand was that of the shade of blonde that streaked through her hair, and the ocean that met it was that of the eyes that unrestrainedly haunted his nights and entrapped him in a cage of sleeplessness. When every being but the stars had descended into a deep slumber, he would ride a train through past memories, and once every night, the train would creak to a stop. When he looked out the window he would see a peach sunset sparingly cast through a thick evergreen forest at the far end of a weat field, and beside it a small, glowing lake that reflected the twilight. And there, in the centre of this beautiful setting, was her. And she was dancing. A spinning twirling dance that made the long summer dress she was wearing rise and fall softly with the rhythm of her feet. Every step she took was perfect, and every waver her hips made was harmonising to the way her hair bounced on it's curls.
> Every night, he would slam the window that separated them, calling out to her in desperation. Every night he would try frantically to undo the seat belt that held him fast to his seat. Every night he sat there in the leather prison, tears cascading down his face as he realised it was impossible. And as she continued to dance blissfully into the evergreen, the train continued it's route as he finally became numb.




Ben everyone's got to start somewhere - I wrote my first fiction, a little thing when I look back, when I was 13. 

There's a few things. 

1) your sentences are run on. Take a breather and add a common, semi colon or period. 

_For the sand was that of the shade of blonde that streaked through her hair, and the ocean that met it was that of the eyes that unrestrainedly haunted his nights and entrapped him in a cage of sleeplessness
_
_*The sand reminded him of the blonde that streaked her hair. The ocean was just the right shade of blue to mirror the eyes that haunted his dreams. 


*When every being but the stars had descended into a deep slumber, he would ride a train through past memories, and once every night, the train would creak to a stop_. _When he looked out the window he would see a peach sunset sparingly cast through a thick evergreen forest at the far end of a weat field, and beside it a small, glowing lake that reflected the twilight. And there, in the centre of this beautiful setting, was her. _---- sorry but for a person that's been camping since a kid, I can tell you just cause you close your eyes doesn't mean everything asleep. There's a lot of nighttime activity city bound humans never can imagine. And ps. there's only past memories, not future memories. 

_*With the relentless force of a runaway train his dreams would sweep upon him, carrying him unwillingly through a maze of memories. It was here that he found her again. Standing at the edge of a golden wheat field, the shadows of a thick evergreen forest looming overhead. The setting sun's rays would catch the peach undertones of her pale dress making it flare for the briefest of heartbeats. Like a moth he was eternally drawn to her flame. 


*_I'd remove the lake, doesn't serve any purpose. 


2) you have a some contradictions - how can this image haunt his dreams if he's sleepless? 



You have good imaginary - a little flowery for my tastes as they'd say, it's a bit heavy handed and thick - however, with practice you'll get better.


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## BenjaminTaggart (Dec 26, 2014)

Wow thankyou so much everybody! To be honest I wrote this on an iphone so I guess if I wrote it on paper I would pick up on a lot more of the mistakes. But yes grammar and spelling has always been my weak point and I will definitely work on it a lot more. I'm on holidays at the moment so when I get back I will be writing a lot more and trying to improve. I'm soaking up everyone's feedback like a sponge so thankyou all so much!


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## David Gordon Burke (Jan 4, 2015)

Really good dramatic writing (prose) should be a lot of things.  The element lacking from so many writers is a poetic style.  Ok, some issues here but that can be worked on.  For the moment there is style and a voice.....money and a University education cannot necessarily give you that.  Keep writing.


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## theredbaron (Jan 5, 2015)

David Gordon Burke said:


> money and a University education cannot necessarily give you that.  Keep writing.



I got to disagree. 

Money - gives you a chance to sit back & write without worrying about who the heck is paying the bills keeping you out of the gutter

University education - 50 Shades of Grey was based off of a fanfiction from someone that you'd think was a 5th grader. Despite her claims that she went to university, I doubt she even graduated 1st year given the pathetic writing style. Particularly if she studied history. If she really "graduated" her teachers much have been the most pathetic ones going. I have a history degree, you need to _*know*_ how to _*write*_ in history programs. 

Education - even college - teaches you how to write. If you want to write like a knuckle dragger you don't need education. High school, most teachers don't care what the heck you write unless they are sticklers for it. So it teaches you nothing.


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## drumzii (Jan 5, 2015)

I really enjoyed this. Writing to a high level. Baring in mind your age and that you wrote this at breakfast, I think you are very, very talented. 
My mind kind of flowed through the story - a pleasure to read. Keep it up don't stop.


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## cc1738 (Jan 6, 2015)

I found your writing interesting. I agree with what some of the other people have mentioned.  Grammar has always been my weakness too.

I liked the way you described the memory and the desperation your character felt to stay with it.  That came across very strong.

I did find it flowery, but that's just my personal taste and not a detraction from your writing. Keep up the good work.


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## NineShadowEyes (Jan 6, 2015)

Okay, that was good. You got me.

What I didn't like:

Grammar and spelling errors. There were commas where there shouldn't have been, making me stumble as I read. It's distracting.

Some of the sentences were awkward and too long. Again, distracting.

What I liked:

The implied imagery was powerful. It would have been more so with better grammar and with some of the sentences rewritten, but I could still feel what you were trying to convey. I felt the desperation, the pain, and the loss. Some of the words seemed out of place, but overall I got the picture.

It gave me a sad. You touched me.

Rewrite it and share it again.


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## HMCBHT (Jan 12, 2015)

I agree with the majority of responses so far. It's clear that you're a naturally gifted writer, but your prose is very purple. Like numerous other posters have said, it took you eight sentences to say what could have been said in three or four. Keep practicing and try not to force it so much.


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## Red_Venus (Jan 20, 2015)

Ben (may I call you Ben?), 

You fight a lot of the same battles I fight in my writing. The color purple to be exact. However, in the 
grand scheme of writing, and art in general, purple is not a bad color.  As long as you maintain good grammar, proper perspective, and find many other ways (colors) to show and  support your character's voice, you will soon write a beautiful story. Listen to the advise offered above; even if at first much of it confuses your head until it spins as you try to situate all of it. All is offered to help you, and anything that you truly feel does not apply to the benefit of your end product, you have to disregard. That is the fine line of art: "How much do you let others opinions tamper with your finished work?" A good artist is true not only to the techniques of writing, but also to his/her own voice. Hope that all made some semblance of sense and did not offend other writers here!

xoxoxo

venus


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## tundrawolf (Jan 21, 2015)

BenjaminTaggart said:


> This is a little out take of a short story I wrote this morning quickly at breakfast. It's my first upload so tell me if I'm good or not. I'm 17 years old and probably made heaps of mistakes in this so please destroy me for it  cheers everyone!



Fantastic work my friend! You are vivid and coherent for such a young age. Keep heart (Guard your heart) and you will do well.



> For the sand was that of the shade of blonde that streaked through her hair, and the ocean that met it was that of the eyes that unrestrainedly haunted his nights and entrapped him in a cage of sleeplessness.



You may want to try something that describes where the sand is. "Sand at my childhood beach shared the same color and warmth as the gossamer strands of her long hair. The ocean that gently caressed the sand beneath my feet shared the deep dark hues of my most haunted nights, filled with memories of her, depriving me of sleep."



> When every being but the stars had descended into a deep slumber, he would ride a train through past memories, and once every night, the train would creak to a stop.



Maybe try adding a descriptive to the train. "The train would slowly lumber to a halt." This is just a suggestion, it may not even need it...



> When he looked out the window he would see a peach sunset sparingly cast through a thick evergreen forest at the far end of a weat field, and beside it a small, glowing lake that reflected the twilight.



Try "When he looked longingly from a fogged train window, his eyes met a soft peach hued sunset, it's lazy, lingering fingers of golden light filtering through a lush, thick evergreen forest. Twilight seemed to dance by the ticklish and fickle waves of a nearby lake."



> And there, in the centre of this beautiful setting, was her. And she was dancing. A spinning twirling dance that made the long summer dress she was wearing rise and fall softly with the rhythm of her feet. Every step she took was perfect, and every waver her hips made was harmonising to the way her hair bounced on it's curls.



Perhaps too much description. "A gently spinning, swirling dance caused her long summers dress to extend out around her, enveloping her body as it moved with the grace of a river. Every fluid step, every graceful, gentle move flowed forth in a loving warmth that exuded from her soul. It was as visible in her movements as the beauty in her heart was visible to any person who would gaze upon her gentle physique."



> Every night, he would slam the window that separated them, calling out to her in desperation. Every night he would try frantically to undo the seat belt that held him fast to his seat. Every night he sat there in the leather prison, tears cascading down his face as he realised it was impossible. And as she continued to dance blissfully into the evergreen, the train continued it's route as he finally became numb.



Try, "With each passing night, desperate to see her, longing to look into her eyes, his face close to hers, he angrily shut the window that separated him from her beautiful form, dancing under the moonlight. His seat belt firmly fastened, unable to be freed, tears streaked down his cheeks, the salty brine collecting in his sinuses. Numbness crept into his weary soul as his pained face watched before she finally disappeared into the night, he, carried away by the train of fate."

Just some suggestions  You are amazing and off to a great start! I really liked the general mood and helplessness you are trying to portray. If you can get in touch with your heart, and it's desperate longings, you can put them into words and scenes and make a very emotional book. Draw it out, with a theme in mind and heart, and your words will come to your fingertips


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