# December 2012 - LM - The Warning - Scores



## Fin (Dec 26, 2012)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Warning


Lots of death was inspired by this prompt! A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, *Leyline, Jon M,* and *Potty* for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Thanks also goes out to *lasm* for the suggested prompt.


*Scores*​
*Fin**Leyline**Jon M**Potty**Average**Vendetta5885*1116121413.25*Popsprocket*1418131615.25*Arcopitcairn*181918.51818.37*Lasm*1920201618.75*Xalor*1317141314.25*Foxee*1518.5161415.87*Lothianwriter*1115111212.25*Bad Craziness*1518151916.75*FleshEater*1618.517.52018*Kevin*1717.5191116.12*Cadence*161816.51516.37*Anonick*1116.514.51113.25*Leyline*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/A*Anna Buttons*1620181717.75*Don V. Standeford*1619171516.75*Ravensty*162019.51417.37*Jon M*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/A*Garza*1919191718.5



In third place, we have *Arcopitcairn* with his entry *You Don’t Get to Have Nice Things When Bear Suit is Around.*
In second, we have *Garza* with his entry *Panther Burn.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Lasm* with her entry *Bonnie and Clyde*


Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for a good read.

[spoiler2=Fin's scores]

*Vendetta5885
"The Cold Wind"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 11*

You could do with formatting the story. It’s easier on the eyes for the judges. A courtesy thing.

There are a few grammatical mistakes throughout this.
e.g. ruck sack is one word. spelled ‘calmy’ instead of ‘calmly’
There are punctuations problems, as well as some tense issues.

I feel the word count could have been used to focus on things other than what was. The protagonist’s story was shallow. I didn’t care for him all that much. I think the story would’ve gone better if you put more focus on him rather than the outside world and mundane things. It’s a difficult task with this word count.


*Popsprocket
"A Blur of Fists and Wrath"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 14*

Tell me, was the ‘Michael Jackson’ thing intentional? Fun fun fun!

Who was Jackson to Amy? A lover? Wasn’t too clear to me. This story was very fun for what it was. I enjoyed it. I had some things that made me pause, as a judge, though.

The roar was a bit over the top for me. It made me feel like I was watching a medieval movie. People don’t really roar while attacking these days.

The bruises. ‘...until purple bruising bloomed beneath his fingers.’ I’m not an expert, I’ll admit, but it really doesn’t feel like bruises would show up that fast. With Jackson choking him, I felt as if his entire face would’ve turned purple due to the lack of oxygen, but no bruises.

Grammatically, missing a comma in there; fifth paragraph.

Tone taken off for words I felt could’ve been replaced to make it better. The roaring, snarling, and fake-sounding dialogue also contributed to points off.

I did enjoy the story very much, though. No real emotion came from me from this, but the craziness of it was amusing.


*Arcopitcairn
"You Don’t Get to Have Nice Things When Bear Suit is Around"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18*

Great job here. Maybe more description than was needed was used in the beginning, but your excellent dialogue handling made up for it.

Everyone’s personality was given so well through the dialogue. Hands down, it’s the part that impressed me the most. The Bear Suit’s personality is what made this story for me. Very fun indeed.


*lasm
"Bonnie and Clyde"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19*

Loved it. Though I must say, if I wasn’t already used to the way you handle the dialogue, I would have had a difficult time adapting. But as I’ve seen you do it before, it wasn’t a problem. But it’s still a thought for people who’ve never seen it.

I noticed no errors. Loved the balance between inner-thought and action. The inner-thought was brilliant and gave me something to think about. First paragraph caught my attention for that reason alone.

Great writing. You handled every character great, even minor the minor ones.

I feel any advice from me for you to change something would be stupid. Just keep doing what you do, Lasm.


*Xalor
"Eight Hours to Rest in Peace"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 13*
Several grammatical mistakes. From missing commas to the wrong word being used.

Love the concept of this, a virus spreading. Reminds me of a game I used to play. The name is also similar to the Black Death, a very big disease way back when.

There wasn’t really anything to hold onto, however. Nothing memorable. I did enjoy it in the moment, though.


*Foxee
"Death of a White Rabbit"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15*

Grammatically, all I saw were a few instances of a comma instead of a period inside of the quotation marks. First time you did it is here: _“Maintenance,” I find the record_

I couldn’t connect with this, which is bad considering I am the protagonist. I just couldn’t feel it. It made me feel more uncomfortable than anything. But that’s the risk of running a story in second person. If it was in anything else, I feel this story would’ve been much better received by me.


*LothianWriter
“The Worst Friday Ever:
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 11*

This story intimidated me before I even began reading. The block of text, with no paragraphs was just scary. Formatting would certainly make this a better read. It’s a courtesy thing. As it stands, all you might gain from this is a grumpy judge.

Spelling and grammar problems throughout this. Seems like a first draft more than anything. Could use more work. The story was an interesting read, though.


*Bad Craziness
"Easy Like Sunday Morning"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15*

Definitely a unique way of doing the first-person narrative. At times, it could work. And here it seems to be one of those times, the tone was great. However, I felt that _because_ of the way it was done, the story never really seemed to get anywhere. I needed a little more of the bigger picture.

For what it was, though, it was a fun story, despite the lack of closure at the end. It left me dangling, free to give my own ending to this. Good stuff.


*FleshEater
"WARNING: VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16*

Great tone. Spacing issues in there, plus italics that I don’t think should’ve been there, took off SPaG points.

The last line and the actual telling of the video gives the impression that it is him in the video, while the build-up is the opposite. It could probably interpreted either way, but I’m going with the latter. The film being that realistic is a bit silly, though.

I did halfway enjoy this though. Your writing was great and I enjoyed the actual story. The other half, it kept bringing in things to my mind that I’ve seen before and wish _I_ could unsee. I didn’t take off for that, because clearly that’s not your fault. It did add to the effect though.


*Kevin
"A Sweet Reminder"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 17*

You went over the ‘no editing after ten minutes’ rule. Watch it in the future. Didn’t take anything off for it this time.

You did great with the dialogue. Minor complaints, though. Sometimes it’s not as consistent as it should be. e.g. “You was here, weren’t you” I feel would’ve been better if the “weren’t” was changed to “wasn’t.” Feels better with the tone already established.

Great story, though. I was entertained all the way through.


*Cadence
"Chewing It Over"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16*

Are they all cats? Very confusing as to what these things were. First thing that came to mind was that they’re humans due to you mentioning cannibalism and that they’re eating people. But then you said her mom’s a cat and my confusion level jumped up several notches. Cannibalism doesn’t mean you eat people, it means you eat your own species. So if they’re cats that eat people, they wouldn’t be cannibals. But you said the mother ate the grandfather, which _is_ cannibalism if he is also a cat. Agh, I need to hush.

Put it this way - if the mention of humans were removed, or if the mention of cats were removed, it would be much clearer as to what they are. Unless they’re different creatures altogether, in which case I would think it best to actually describe them. UNLESS! They refer to their fellow cat-ians as people! BAM, DONE. That’s what it is! Don’t deny it! Otherwise I’ll be here all day figuring it out!

Disgusting story, really. A fun story in the sense that it was more mystery than anything else for me, figuring out what was going on. Saw the ending coming from a mile away, though. The line “Consume not what makes you, but what hates you” would be the cause of that. Her mother felt like the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella, really. Could do with changing that, unless you didn’t want the ending to be a twist.


*Anonick
"A Romantic Story"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 11*

Couple grammatical mistakes in there regarding the periods in the dialogue.

The story itself was something I couldn’t connect with. The characters felt like they had almost nothing to them, to the point where I forgot who was who halfway through. The dialogue also felt unreal. Almost formal. Work on the dialogue and I think this story could be a lot better.


*Leyline
"Apology"
Judge’s Entry*

Wow. Gave me chills, mostly because it reminded me of the school shooting recently. Great job having that effect on me in such a short amount of time, in that word count.

Hope to see your intended entry somewhere around the forums.


*Anna Buttons
"Inevitable"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16*

Loved the ending. Didn’t see it coming. No complaints. Point off of grammar for a missing H in the first paragraph.

The only thing feel I can suggest is that you make the narration more engaging. But there’s not much you can do about that in this case, with the word count limit and all.


*Don V Standeford
"Forty Canoes"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16*

Bored me a bit in the beginning, with all this snake talk. As it went on it got better, I enjoyed myself. You do a better job with the imagery than with anything else. I feel you could’ve made the characters more memorable, but some things have to be cut with the word limit.

Thanks for entering.


*Ravensty
"Find Shelter"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16*

Used a wrong word in the first paragraph, that’s the cause for the point off in SPaG. You put ‘wine’, not ‘whine’.

It was an interesting story No real complaints. I enjoyed myself all the way through. I’m a sucker for letters, so that thing at the end got me good.


*Jon M
"All We Ever Do is Fall in Love"
Judge’s Entry *

Could do with a stronger opening line; something to grab my attention. Even with your current, you still brought me into it not too far in, and that’s just props to your writing ability. Other than that, I enjoyed it - reading it as an excerpt and nothing more, of course. I’d like to see the whole thing in the future some time.

You already know I love your writing.


*Garza
"Panther Burn"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 19*

As always, your dialogue ability and your skill in telling stories with it alone is some of the best I’ve seen. Glad to see you enter the competition. Big fan of your stories from my first day on these forums.

Didn’t even have to mention any amount of years throughout this and I would have had no trouble guessing their age. You handled that nicely.

You said ‘sore’ once instead of ‘store’, but as it’s a part of the dialogue I’m not going to take anything away. You have a stray comma in there, though, and that’s the only thing taking away from SPaG, unfortunately. Other than that, it was flawless for all I could see.

Again, thanks for entering. Love your work and your exceptional writing ability.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Leyline's scores]
First of all, a big congratulations to all who entered. The LM competition has always been my favorite aspect of WF, and participating in it (both as competitor and judge) has been a boon to my writing. For the competitors it teaches brevity and the necessity for painful cuts, compression and polishing. For the judges it allows a more formal sort of critique with demarcated areas of focus. Good on everyone who participates!

All critique made in a constructive spirit of help, and allow me to say that, as usual, I'm impressed by the overall quality of the stories.

Best,
-G.

Here we go!

*Vendetta5885
"The Cold Wind"
Score: 16*

A powerful tale, and I appreciate the muscular style that still has time for moments of poetry. Some great imagery here, as well.

Deducted a point from SPaG for several tense shifts, a few inappropriate bits of punctuation after quote tags, and the rather confusing paragraphing. I know it's often difficult to get 'your' paragraphing to come through once cut and pasted into the forum, but it makes a world of difference when reading your work.

Deducted two points from tone because I can't decide what war this actually is. The references to mustard gas and masks and trenches makes me assume World War I, but the dialogue could have come straight from a Vietnam War novel. I was actually jarred out of the story by the above mentioned WW I references.

Deducted one point from effect, because the prompt wasn't really very central to the story. Otherwise, an extremely effecting piece and a fine ending, the doubling back to his thoughts about his family was properly tragic.


*popsrocket
"A Blur Of Fists And Wrath"
Score: 18*

Solid writing and a good use of the prompt. Nicely drawn MC/POV character. Good description and dialogue.

A missing 'the' in the first paragraph, and a period in quote tags that should have been a comma in the fifth. It took a second read for me to catch those, so I'm not deducting.

No points deducted for tone. I think you hit the mark you wanted in how this story should feel. Good work.

Two points deducted from effect, though, because I mostly felt worried for Amy at the end. It's personal and subjective of course, but I don't see how trading a neglectful father for a violent guy who beats that father to a pulp on the street is a trade up of any sort. I seriously felt she was just moving from one abusive relationship to another, and I really don't think that was the effect you were going for.


*Arcopitcairn
”You Don’t Get to Have Nice Things When Bear Suit is Around"
Score: 19*

A terrifically odd story -- and quite funny. Enjoyed your violent yet poetic descriptions and the unexpected fact that the crazed beserker was so intelligent and well spoken. I giggled a manly giggle.

Full marks for grammar and tone, one point deducted from effect because I read it twice and still can't say for sure what the heck it's about, and the prompt seemed little more than an after-thought. I did enjoy it enormously, though, so great job.


*lasm
"Bonnie and Clyde"
Score: 20*

Tautly written, and bracing. Superb evocation of a tense few moments, and built from the prompt from the ground up. No grammar nits, since I understand your style well enough to know the lack of quote tags was intentional, and it worked nicely in this case.

Superb tone, excellent effect. I felt deeply for both the girl and the bank employee, and hoped until the last moment that tragedy could be averted. Powerful and coldly beautiful piece of flash. Much market potential.

Full marks.


*xalor
"Eight Hours To Rest In Peace"
Score: 17*

Quite a few SPaGnits: You used 'ample' in the first paragraph when I think you meant 'apt.' A missing 'that', and a 'were' instead of 'where' in the second. A missing 'of' in the fourth. In the last, a missing 'the', a missing 's' on one example of 'die', an a missing 'have.' Deducting two points.

Interesting, quiet, slightly melancholy tone, well done and pervasive throughout.

That brings me to the odd decision to deduct a point from effect. While I admired the consistency of tone throughout, I must say that it left me cold. A story about the world being ravaged by a horrible disease should leave me feeling something, and this didn't.

Excellent, well integrated use of the prompt, by the way.


*Foxee
"Death Of A White Rabbit"
Score: 18.5*

Full marks for SPaG. I read it twice and saw not a single blip on that front. Awesome job. Also full marks for tone. Consistent, stylish and enjoyable to read throughout.

I am deduction a point and a half from effect, though, because even after two readings I'm not entirely sure who the heck these people are or what they're doing. I'm guessing some sort of neural controlled clones being used as invasion/infiltration cannon fodder? But then who was the System? On my second read I pondered if they were humans actually linked to actual rabbits, but descriptions argued against that. This struck me as an intriguing opening to a much longer story, over all. I also feel a little dense for just not getting it.

But ambiguity doesn't bug me, so I enjoyed the heck out of it. I just don't think that much ambiguity was what you were going for.


*lothianwriter
"The Worst Friday Ever"
Score: 15*

Sorry, lothian, but I'm deducting 3 points from SPaG because of many, many punctuation problems, spacing mishaps, the odd wrong word tense, and the complete lack of paragraphing, which made your story extremely hard to read. Your spelling was very good, though. I'm kind of thinking maybe you had some format transfer related issues or perhaps accidentally posted a first draft? I've done that before.

The story itself is a little predictable, but pretty good. A four out of five for tone. You built some nice tension in the central story, and set up the POV character as a sympathetic 'ordinary joe' type.

Deducting a point from effect because the latter half read a bit like a synopsis.

Wish that I could give a higher score, but it was the SPaG that mostly brought it down.


*Bad Craziness
"Easy Like Sunday Morning"
Score: 18*

Well written throughout, and I found no SPaG nits. Full marks, good work.

Full marks for tone as well. I'm not afraid to admit I've woken up like this before. I was more the type to wake up alone and soaked in a ditch or some bushes, though. On one terrifying occasion, actually up a tree. You capture the pain and distress superbly. I felt slightly hung over.

Two points from effect, though. One for the fact that, in my opinion, the prompt felt pretty much an afterthought. And two, one of the most important things to me in the LM -- this didn't feel like a completed story. Personal and subjective, of course, but how else can we judge? I got no sense of closure.


*FleshEater
"Warning: Viewer Discretion Is Advised"
Score: 18.5*

Found only two SPaG nits, a shifted comma and an odd use of italics in the line, 'said it aloud in the empty room,' which I'm pretty sure is just a shifted italics tag from the movie title. I'm going to let it slide, since I don't feel such a minor error deserves a half point off, and I'm going to start bleeding from my ears if I start deducting tenth points or whatever. Super duper judge latitudinal powers activated!

Tone was vaguely sleazy and Videodrome-esque throughout. Full marks.

But one and a half points deducted from effect for two reasons. The finale seemed abrupt and synopsized after your otherwise excellent buildup, and I just found it very hard to believe, in this day and age of spoilers and exposes, protests over even minor controversial material, etc. that he wouldn't have known exactly what he was getting himself into. That muted the horror of your ending quite a bit for me.


*Kevin
"A Sweet Reminder"
Score: 17.5*

SPaG: Missing quote tags at the ends of paragraphs ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen. A missing question mark in paragraph five. Horrible mis-spelling throughout. (I kid! ) A few other iffy bits where words in dialect are spelled slightly different, but I figure that may have been intended to display a different inflection. Deducting a point, but offering a bit of advice: when you write in dialect, make yourself a cheat sheet on how you're going to spell the words. It makes the dialogue read smoother because otherwise the reader will probably accept the first spelling, then be jarred by a different one. That's what I've generally done.

Tone and Effect: This one was tough for me to judge. In many ways, it doesn't feel like a complete story, and it just sort of peters out. But it's almost really a slice of life vignette and is going for a realism where, heck, that's what generally happens in conversations, especially when two people know and like each other. Loved both characters and they were beautifully drawn in a short space. I was almost cheering when Vinnie kicked the crap out of the dealer and the neighbors egged him on, and Jim's friendly decency in insisting on buying him a cup of coffee left me with a smile. So, even though lack of closure is usually a huge deal to me, I'm only going to deduct a point and a half.

Really enjoyed this one.


*Cadence
"Chewing It Over"
Score: 18*

Full points for SPaG, I found not a single nit to pick. Excellent work.

Full points for tone, as well: sustained mood of gruesome humor from first to last. Superb.

Eight out of ten on effect, for two reasons: you gave your ending away instantly with the 'kill what you hate' line, and that's a big deal in a story this short, and a really big deal in a horror story this short. The second reason is I had no clue what these people were. Their mother's a cat, but they're humanoid and considered cannibals for eating other humans? Some sort of shape-shifting were-cats? Confusing. And I'm being a little harder on you since the story was otherwise so excellent. So, let me stress again: great work!


*Anonick
"A Romantic Story"
Score: 16.5*

SPaG: Lots of periods in quote tags where commas should be, a missing 'him' in the second to last paragraph. Deducting a half point.

Tone: It's in passive voice throughout. Passive can indeed work, but it ended up giving the entire conversation a strangely lifeless tone when used so pervasively, as if both characters were kind of bored with the conversation. I don't think you intended that, as it's a conversation about romance and love. Deducting two points.

Effect: Despite the lifeless tone, I was good with effect until the very end, when it turns out that she'd already broken it off with the guy and the other character basically doesn't care. I think you may have meant this as an ironic twist, but it just didn't work for me. Deducting a point.

All that said, you have a smooth and easily readable style, and I see the potential for a good story here. Just watch the passive voice in the future (or when re-writing this) and, perhaps, aim for a bit more fire between the characters.


*Leyline
“Apology”
Judge’s Entry*

N/A


*Anna Buttons
"Inevitable"
Score: 20*

Ah, Miss Buttons, one day you'll write a story that I don't completely love, and you'll owe me flowers. Or a least a button with cartoon flowers on it. OK, I'll settle for a cuppa.

Found one nit, a missing 'h' on 'his' in the first paragraph, but otherwise clean and neat. As I said, I'm not going to start deducting tenth-points, and to be honest, I only noticed it because I came back and read it a third time for sheer enjoyment.

Gorgeous simile laden writing, poetically doomed feeling from the very start, with a subtle ironic little sting in the last line.

I saw this in black and white, probably directed by King Vidor and shot by Rudolph Mate, all luminous close-ups, perfect lighting and acting with eye contact, from the days when they didn't have to throw cameras around the room to depict passion.

I hated them both, but loved their story.

Full marks.


*Don V. Standeford
"Forty Canoes"
Score: 19*

SPaG: Full marks from me.

Tone: Consistent and well done.

Solid writing, good description, believable dialogue and one of the best uses of the prompt in the competition. But, and I'm really starting to feel a little dense here, I couldn't quite unravel what it was all about! Is this an alternate past where the Western Hemisphere natives were given a warning from the future? Or a world where their shamanic magic actually worked and they were prepared? A post apocalyptic future where the 'descendants of Columbus' are now the natives and are attempting to resist the cycle of history repeating? Am I reading too much into some possibly ironic names, a use of the phrase 'Old World' and a vague description of what sounds like Spanish soldiers of the 15th Century? Possibly. So I'm only going to deduct a point. Excellent work.


*ravensty
"Find Shelter"
Score: 20*

SPaG: 'Wine' should be 'whine' in first paragraph. A single use of single quotes when double was used otherwise.

But you know what? Full marks all around. I started reading this, became caught up in the character -- so well drawn in almost pure dialogue -- and it just proceeded down a trail so irresistible and strange that I followed like a fool. Then the ending (or, more properly, coda) surprised tears from me. The only story in the competition to do that. Thank you for entering this, ravensty. I love it, and have some market suggestions for you after these scores are posted, if you want them.


*Jon M
"All We Ever Do Is Fall In Love"
Judge’s Entry*

Glad I don't have to judge this one, as it being an excerpt would force me to hem and haw about closure and stuff rather than just enjoy the poetic and brutal energy of the writing and say well done. Hope to see the full piece soon!


*Garza
"Panther Burn"
Score: 19*

Saw a single odd comma use, but the writer has probably forgotten more about grammar than I've ever learned, so giving him the benefit of the doubt.

In many ways a beautifully sustained piece of character work, excellent use of dialect and an ear for the rough poetry of rural folk. I know -- I'm one of 'em.

I am going to deduct a point from effect, however. This doesn't come off as a conversation, but a lecture, and the emotional tone is oddly flat for such a charged an dangerous subject.

Otherwise, a fantastic piece!


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Jon M's scores]

*Vendetta5885
“The Cold Wind”
Score: 12*

I always think it is risky to kill a character in a piece of flash. The challenge is immense. To be successful, I think -- success being defined as whether the reader cares, is invested in the character to die--you have to cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time. You have to flesh out the characters, give them a history--back story--so the reader cares. Aside from the narrator trying to 'place himself by the fire' with his wife and kid, which I thought was a potent, evocative detail--my favorite moment in the story by far--I did not really care that the character died at the end. I felt like I had only just met him, did not have enough time to get to know him (or Rory). So the overall story felt flat, the emotional pay-off is not there.

Such is the challenge of killing a character in 650 words.

Did not find the structure of the story all that interesting. In a nutshell, here's what happens: guy's hanging out in a trench, talking because they can't sleep. An incoming grenade. Guy fumbles for his mask (questionable, since they are in a battlefield; one expects an intelligent soldier will keep this piece of gear handy), guy dies. I suggest, for future stories, experimenting with the way you approach structure. Consider a less linear approach. For example, if we had known by the first line that the narrator dies at the end of the story, I think it would have helped avoid the flat, anti-climactic ending. The emphasis, the sense of building toward something is removed (which is useful here, as that something is not terribly interesting). Consider what is truly important in this story: is it the incoming grenade, the fact that the narrator dies, or is it Rory and the character's relationship, or the narrator's quiet wish to return to his wife and child? Most interesting to me, and I suspect others, too, is the last two ideas--coincidentally, these are also mostly character-driven ideas, not plot-driven. It's the difference between character and things happening to the character. One of these is infinitely more interesting than the other.

Technical stuff:

You had a lot of tense slips, occasions where you wrote in present when it should have been past. For example, "Happiness will be in short supply ..." is incorrect; it should be "Happiness would be ..." Additionally, this particular line ("in short supply") is a cliche.

Another example, "... a seemingly useless gesture as my fingers are so cold ..." should be "... were so cold ..."

Another example: "The sound of distant artillery shells exploding occasionally breaks the cold silence." where 'breaks' should be 'broke'.

Many other examples. I will leave them to you to find them all.

Dialogue errors. For example, 'He laughed, "Maybe ..."' Here, the comma should be a full-stop. One cannot laugh and speak a line of dialogue, which is what's being suggested. Should read, 'He laughed. "Maybe ..."'
And here, '“Yeah, I know. We all will or at least that’s what everyone tells each other.” Rory said.' Should be, "...tells each other," Rory said.'

I liked it when you included similes, although sometimes the similes felt a little too elaborate ("like a bayonet through the enemy’s flesh"). Better to end the comparison after 'bayonet'; also, be aware of word connotations -- bayonet brings to mind the civil war, and I am not sure that image is appropriate here, in the context of a modern war.


*popsprocket
“A Blur of Fists and Wrath”
Score: 13*

Like the story above, the structure of this leaves a lot to be desired. As I was reading, I had an image of Jackson on the sidewalk, wrestling and beating up a cardboard cut-out of the real Michael. As a character, Michael is really quite one-sided. The cliche here is that Michael would be some sort of drunken louse, but even that is not described here--only vaguely, in his "disheveled appearance".

The other thing is that roughly one quarter of the total word count is devoted to this fist-fight. It is the writing equivalent of a car chase in some tepid summertime Hollywood production. I feel like the story's focus is misplaced. May be useful as an exercise to appraise this and ask yourself what is truly important / interesting. To me, the fight is not interesting. Worthy of a sentence at best. Important is fleshing out Michael's character, including some of his back story and the history of his relationship with Amy (even if it is bad history, it's still history). In general, there is a lot of details that needed to be provided which were not--Amy's age (I get the vague impression she is a child, six or seven), a sense of place and time (initially I though the story was taking place backstage in a school theater, or something), and, like I said, Michael.

Curious, also, how Jackson is described as having a ready solution for everything, making him seem crafty, intelligent, then seeing his 'solution' to this Amy / Michael problem as a fist-fight. More could have been done with this idea. In fact, it could have served as the larger framework--the theme--of the story had it been focused and addressed properly. But as-is it just seems like a curious detail, there one minute, gone the next.

Nits:

*Jackson snarled, rage thundering*
Overstatement, maybe. Snarled? Really?

*crushing Michael’s windpipe.*
More overstatement. I thought this meant Michael was fast approaching death, since, you know, he couldn't breathe adequately anymore. Unless his windpipe actually gets crushed, this is misleading.

*“You had better think carefully next time you blow through her life like a storm, because*
Dialogue here doesn't ring true, unless the guy is a poet and habitually speaks in similes. Otherwise it's just kind of funny. Like he's all piss and vinegar one moment and then drops this simile and if I were Michael I'd totally start laughing.


*Acropitcairn
“You Don't Get To Have Nice Things When Bear Suit is Around”
Score: 18.5*

Good story that begins great and kind of peters out toward the end (when Weather Girl and Co. arrive). Bear Suit is a great character. His comment at the end, that he will destroy things until people love the right things, makes me think he is an idealist who thinks of art museums as catacombs -- places tucked away where the dead and irrelevant are stored. That, perhaps, he prefers the opposite kind of world where art is everywhere.

The first half of this story is really quite excellent -- the narrative summary is engaging, it is very successful at creating a feeling of time and place, that the world of the story is "full" occupied by so many other people, not just the main characters. The only flaws I noticed were the occasional word-error -- either absent, or superfluous. For example, in the first line,

*The first time anyone saw Bear Suit was on the day he riled up the police so much that they sent a SWAT team into the art museum.*
'that' could be cut; and would read better as "...they sent a SWAT team into the art museum after him."
And in the following sentence (#2) there's kind of a repetitive rhythm due to the constant adjective + noun constructions. Recommend cutting some of the lesser descriptors out.

So where the first half of this story had a sweeping, general quality where so much time and distance is covered, the second half narrows in on this specific encounter with Weather Girl and Bear Suit, and the dialogue there is not as interesting. I think condensing their conversation, paraphrasing, and maintaining the summary-like quality (not a bad thing here at all) would have made for a better story overall.

Maybe it would have been cool to see some of Bear Suit's new-groupies in the crowd of onlookers, holding up signs that read DEATH TO FINERY, etc. This is what I mean about the second half getting too lost in a mundane, specific scene. So much more distance (meaning imagery, and fun 'story-moments') could have been included if the same style had been kept all the way through.

But some very sharp and enjoyable writing here (fuzzy exclamation mark), and I am glad to have read it.


*lasm
“Bonnie and Clyde”
Score: 20*

Just wonderful writing overall, and the first paragraph is fantastic. I can imagine this guy lying on the floor with his hands laced behind his head pondering these VERY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS--the difference between a warning and a threat. So effective at ushering the reader into a specific scene while also speaking generally, universally--almost philosophically--about life.

I think it is a challenge to kill off a character in the space of 650 words. It's rarely enough real estate to introduce a character and provide enough history so the reader cares about--is emotionally invested in--the character's fate. But here I think you are successful. The narrator's mistake was telling Bonnie about his daughter--a seemingly normal thing to do to try and disarm somebody--because suddenly the man is seen in the context of fatherhood, and Bonnie's father was a piece of crap. So it totally makes sense that she blows him away at the end--in a sense, she's gunning down her father.

Just a really great story here. Not much more one could ask for in a piece of flash. It's all here--voice, place, history, characterization, attention to detail. Like also how the story comes ful l-circle; makes for a satisfying read, kind of an easy and useful way to make a story feel "complete".

Love that we even get a sense of Clyde's character just from that one sentence. I can picture him standing in his bedroom before his mirror, baseball cap turned around sideways like a douche, hip hop thumping on some cheapo sound system, practicing his 'gun-pose' -- gangsta style, fo real.

Nits:

*pointing the goddamn thing straight at me,*
'goddamn' doesn't seem like it fits the narrator's voice.

*and you better believe I was down and praying.*
'you better believe' is slightly cliche. Could give it a pass since it's First Person and people think in cliches, but you might consider swapping it for something more unique, 'character-inspired'.

Evocative stuff. Obvious it is when I start making up my own descriptions.


*Xalor
“Eight Hours to Rest in Peace”
Score: 14*

Story begun fine, but toward the end of the first paragraph the tense mysteriously changed from past to present. Saw lots of errors overall; almost one per line. Everything from the wrong word to missed commas to tense slips. So my enjoyment of the story was constantly interrupted. I've included a sample below:

*an ample name*
an apt name

*PSAs aired heeding people*
pleading for; to heed is to listen, follow, pay close attention to

*to avoid physical contact with each other as the virus transfers on contact and that there is no determined incubation time for the virus*
clunky, too expository; consider condensing to "...to avoid physical contact as the virus was thought to transfer on contact and had no determined incubation time."

*My wife and I were the most careful of people.*
overwritten; "My wife and I were careful people."

*which in a world depended on online networking was actually quite easy.*
missing commas; "...which, in a world (that) depended[ing] on online networking, was actually ..."

*scared to bring children into the world in a time were a untreatable pandemic rages unchecked*
grammar issues; " ...in a time when an untreatable pandemic raged ..." or, alternatively: "...in a time when untreatable pandemics raged ..."

*untreatable ... without a cure*
redundant

Otherwise, there is some good stuff here. Liked how the trees donned their golden coats. Liked, also, the subdued, unemotional quality in the line where he says with his wife until she died the next morning. Got a bit heavy-handed toward the end where you explain how the virus is a blessing. Felt very obvious, like you were saying, "Here's the moral of the story." Would have preferred you let some of those ideas go unstated. Worth noting that that is not the same as going 'uncommunicated'. We're smart; we get it. Suggest ending the story with visuals instead. Let the reader piece together the moral of the story.

Also enjoyed the wide net this story casts. I think it is successful in conveying not just the world of the main characters, but the greater world beyond. Always a good thing to see in flash -- this sense of more, that the story and the world does not necessarily end at 650 words.

I do think the first paragraph kind of misses what is important. Obviously necessary to introduce the virus, but sometimes the description felt excessive, expository. And perhaps instead of describing the nature of the virus, it would be better to present images of how the community has been coping. The PSAs scratch the surface of this concept, but more is needed to drive the point home. For example, how does a neighborhood look like during this time? Is the National Guard called in? Are people walking around with those white respirators strapped to their faces, like in China? If one were to show up at the supermarket, what kind of a scene would one find there? I think these answers are potentially more evocative than what's in the story presently.


*Foxee
“Death of a White Rabbit”
Score: 16*

Found this story to be very difficult to judge. On one hand, there seem to be numerous errors (the majority related to dialogue / attributions), on the other hand, since there is a First Person narrator, it may just be voice. But here's an example of what would normally be an error:

*“Two minutes late,” Marc is tense, Bruce might be napping.*
There should be a full-stop after "Two minutes late" since what follows is a beat of action / narrative, and not a proper dialogue tag. Currently, it is hard to know who speaks this line; I go with Marc, but the choice is totally arbitrary--his name appears first.

*“Trust me, Babe, there's always time for this,” Bruce is lazy and Marc is quiet.*
Here is another instance. 'Bruce is lazy and Marc is quiet' is not a dialogue tag--it is a beat--so there should be a full-stop after the line of dialogue.

*Shaving finished, Mark grumbles you into the shower. *
Mark = Marc

The POV is interesting. Nearest I can tell, "I" and "you" refer to the same character -- "I" is the nervous system, the brain, and "you" is the rest of the body, the hands, etc. If this is true then I love this. The effect is a very strange and palpable sense of disassociation. I didn't really figure it out until the end. Had to go back and re-read several times to confirm this suspicion about the narrative. This person seems to be a synthetic character of some sort -- "M-class organic unit" and "Miss Science" -- seems to reinforce this idea. So, I really like this just because the mix of POV is something I've personally never seen before.

The narrative itself, however, seems a little flat. Consider what happens here: getting dressed for some sort of meeting, stopping in the hall (I assume) for a quick drink ("liquid energy"), arriving in a board room-like place, and then some sort of an event, the ship or the structure is compromised and, presumably, people die.

Since the story is rendered as a series of scenes and there is no narrative summary, no condensing of time, I do not get the impression of a past or a future -- only this moment, which does not feel very long. So that is unsatisfying. Hard to care about the fate of these characters when there is little to no history, since it is really their history which is going to elicit an emotional response.


*LothianWriter
“The Worst Friday Ever”
Score: 11*

Reads pretty careless, like a first draft with little to no revision. Would be kind of ridiculous to go through and point out all of the grammatical errors, since there are so many. For example, missing a parenthetical comma after the second 'biggest'; missing a full-stop after '2012'. Another example, 'Police' when it should be 'police'; 'Warning us' when it should be 'warning', lowercase.

*They had to make it a Friday, after a long hard week at work what do you have to look forward to?*
Tense slip. do = did

*long hard week at work
and the weekend was almost upon us
in good spirits
Finishing time rolled around*
cliches, i.e., common, empty phrases (not an exhaustive list)

*pulled up at the junction to the main road*
Exceedingly vague. To bring the reader into the story, specifics are needed (such as the names of roads)

The story here should be broken up into paragraphs so the reader has an easier time. I see no point, stylistically, why there should be a block of text. Overall, the narrative just seems to be painted with the broadest of brushes. Imagery, where it occurs, is neither vivid or unique. For example, 'people' and 'drivers' are never more than just people and drivers -- almost like they don't even have a face. Kind of on the fence about how to react. If you need help with grammar (like spotting the tense slips and dropped commas / full-stops), then I'd be happy to go over this in more depth. But if this was just a first draft with not even a cursory re-read, then you need to ... art harder.


*Bad Craziness
“Easy Like Sunday Morning”
Score: 15*

First Person is one of those viewpoints where the writer can choose to include every thought -- really putting us inside the character's head -- or choose, instead, to focus on the larger narrative and omit some of the more mundane thoughts we all have. Looks like you did the former, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. And while there are a lot of fun specifics here, some humorous moments, the overall story feels kind of pointless, like it lacks a theme, a raison d'etre. If you had more space, like (judging from the current pace) another 2,000 words, I think the narrative could have evolved into something with a purpose, but here--with only 650 words--you don't have the luxury of repeating yourself four times at the beginning, for example, and saying the exact same thing. Despite it being funny.

The narrative gets interesting when the narrator discovers the girl in bed beside him. This is really when the story seems to go somewhere--we leave the bed and we travel to the night before, we ease drop on a conversation about Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The story needed more of that. A lot more.

And how is it he doesn't notice the window is in the wrong wall, but he's aware enough to say that it's roughly four degrees outside? One would think that even if he only notices the snow or cold temps manifested as a window-shaped square of intense light, he would have noticed the odd location of such a square.

There are good moments here--I've mentioned a couple. But too often they have to compete for space with dead-weight, and that's what brings the piece down.

*like my stomach is trying to give itself an enema using a garden hose and a bottle of cheap Spanish olive oil.*
Fun simile, but perhaps too elaborate. Usually the comparisons are made so the reader has an easier time understanding--putting the unfamiliar next to the familiar--but I really have no clue how a bottle of Spanish olive oil, a cheap one nonetheless, factors in.

*Looking at the carcass of that kebab makes me feel queasy. Thinking about how I’m feeling queasy is making me feel even more queasy, *
Needs concision. 'feel' can be cut from both sentences.


*FleshEater
“Warning: Viewer Discretion is Advised”
Score: 17.5*

Very competent writing. You do a good job setting the scene and fleshing out David's character. Feel like the overall story is kind of a commentary on our (American) violence-obsessed culture. That for some people real is barely real enough. They need more.

I do feel, however, that the story's focus is slightly misplaced. David doesn't put the DVD in the player, doesn't watch the film, until the last paragraph. Arguably that is the most interesting part of the story. I was curious to know how the footage was going to affect him. I got a little taste of that, but it seems like the story ends just as my interest peaks.

Instead, the bulk of the story is a build-up. This has the unfortunate effect of placing emphasis on the final act -- his reaction to the film. With every paragraph that delays this final action, the action seems more and more important. Personally, I did not think the ending deserved so much emphasis, so it feels kind of anti-climactic.
It is a familiar story-structure: place the surprise or the most interesting part at the end. I'd suggest playing around with structure, though. Might be better if the final paragraph occurred in the middle of the story, if the paragraphs of build-up were condensed into one or two, and allowing yourself room to explore the effects of his actions, the fall-out.

I think quoting the English warning verbatim was unnecessary. Could have just paraphrased it and saved on the word-count. We've all seen these warnings before. I get that the important difference was the inclusion of 'experience', but even that could have been addressed while still paraphrasing the warning. I feel it is just a more graceful solution overall.

nits

*The glowing black television*
to glow is to give off light, so a black screen glowing makes no sense

*This, he hoped, would be the sliver of celluloid that would bring him to his knees, and destroy him. *
"...that brought him to his knees and destroyed him."


*Kevin
“A Sweet Reminder”
Score: 19*

Such a fun read. I want to hang out with Vinny. Buy him a beer. Listen to his stories. That's how good this dialogue is. I read it out loud and cracked myself up several times, that's how good this is.

So effective at creating the impression of a character. Of course, Vinny is more penciled in than Jim, but I still get an impression of this other guy. Proper grammar and all.

I was wondering how this story would end, how it could, satisfyingly, end, and I think you found a great note to end on. Perfectly mundane, but also informative -- it must be morning sometime. Eggs and coffee.

This reminds me of Glengarry Glen Ross in some ways, how Vinny seems to be pursuing lines of thought the same time he's talking out loud. Repetition of phrases, broken thoughts -- it all sounds very real. Not real like true conversation is real, with all of the boring stop-starts and cliches. This takes the very best from real life, put in a story. Never tedious to read. In fact, exciting. The dialogue sings.

You should sub this if you haven't already. I'm reasonably sure a place like Fiction 365 or another Flash 'zine would grab it.

Nits:

*I told him not to call him. After the last time, I told him that I didn’t care…I told him that I didn’t give a*
'that' can be removed from both lines.

Some places where you have an extra space before a comma or a quotation mark -- you just need to go through line-by-line and give it a final polish.

*an', 'em, cryin', etc.*
The way you have the apostrophied words now is fine, grammatically correct, but I'd suggest dropping all of the apostrophes -- an, em, cryin. Looks better, not as annoying in large groups.


*Cadence
“Chewing it Over”
Score: 16.5*

Pretty good story, cleanly written. When she realized she had to consume what she hated, I kind of knew where this was headed. The end is a little too ambiguous -- you might have included Danny's name there, i.e., "...she went back inside--for Danny." Otherwise, some readers might think she goes inside and kills herself, how she catches her reflection in the blade suggesting her self-hatred. Though perhaps you wanted to keep it ambiguous. Personally, I don't see what is gained by that, since the rest of the story doesn't have the same elliptical style.
First paragraph has three mentions of blood, so it felt like you were belaboring the point. Consider substituting a better verb for "...ran down his chin", like dribbled.

But the opening lines of dialogue were amusing. Chuckled when he was telling her how rotten a cannibal she was. Then it got a bit serious and my interest wavered. Content's not really my thing, but didn't subtract any points for that.

Nits:

*Furious, he leapt up and shot into Lil, pinning her to the wall and extending knife-blades from his fingertips.*

This would read better as two sentences: "Furious, he leapt up and shot into Lil, pinning her to the wall. Knife-blades crept from his fingertips." The full-stop places more emphasis on the final clause, which is appropriate here, adds drama.

*Her mother nodded, leapt down from the fence and curled up at her feet.*
'up' can be cut. Consider being more specific: "...curled (pressed) around her ankle."

But, as I said, this was a very clean, smooth read. You have three characters here and they're all reasonably penciled-in, which is no small feat in such a short piece. Enjoyed the bit of history about their grandfather dying of Typhoid -- made the piece feel more real, credible, like these were not just characters but people with back story. More of that and your stories will skyrocket in terms of quality.


*anonick
“A Romantic Story”
Score: 14.5*

Story seems like it is indecisive, doesn't know yet what it wants to be. Initially, Rohini calls up her friend and wants her opinion on a delicate matter. Her parents are trying to get her to break up with Varun, only she seems resistant: "If I decide to stay with Varun they say they will cut off contact with me." This suggests that she has not yet made up her mind. And yet, by the story's end, during the same phone call, she informs her friend that she's already made the decision.

People can sometimes do irrational things at critical moments. So it's not entirely unbelievable that Rohini would break up with her boy and then call her best friend, asking her opinion on what to do. Only, it does not seem like that was what you were trying for here. I do not get the impression Rohini is that irrational kind of person, which is necessary if any of the above was going to work.

Dialogue seemed a little too expository, too 'on the nose'. For example:

*“What’re you doing up at this time? When you come back home for the holidays you’re supposed to sleep properly.”*
'at this time' can be cut. 'home' can be cut from the second line.
"When you come back home..." reads too explanatory. It's obvious this is for the reader's benefit; better revised this way: "You know, when you come back for the holidays you're supposed to catch up on sleep."

*I loved Rohini - exactly in what way I am still unsure.*
Tense slip -- "...in what way I was still unsure" or "...in what way I still didn't know."

*If I decide to stay with Varun they say they will cut off contact with me. I cannot live without their support.*
Another instance where the dialogue is too wooden. Could be trimmed thus: "If I stay with Varun (they say) they'll cut off contact (stop calling, etc.). But I need them."

*But she wasn’t being convinced.*
wordy; "But she wasn't convinced."

*Her parents took it as a challenge and broke her.*
wordy; "Her parents considered it a challenge and broke her."

Enjoyed where you referenced the world -- Kerala, etc. This lent credibility to the writing. Just need to work out the story's structure better, cut excessive words, and make your dialogue more natural-sounding, less explanatory.


*Leyline
“Apology”
Judge’s Entry*

Interesting story, very oblique. One wonders if the man is somehow responsible for the monster, or is the monster himself. Hard to say at the moment because there is not much of the character present, like his back story. Also interesting is that he says he built a time machine, not that he had built the machine to get to the future and now is trapped because it won't work anymore. So it's like he's always been in their future and tried to build the machine to get back to them.

The more I think about this the more it seems clear he is the monster. What happens when he can't get the machine to work? He becomes enraged, destroys it, regrets his actions later, enough to cry. Kind of like an abusive person. So abusive father, maybe?

We're all (the living) in the future of someone who's died. So, in a sense, we're all kind of time-travelers. After reading it a few times, though, 'school' jumps out at me. Seems obvious now. Kind of makes the story a little too mundane, though, a little too close.


*Anna Buttons
“Inevitable”
Score: 18*

Interesting twist at the end. So they are both playing games -- Dominic's the rather obvious game of blackmail, using the tape to get what he wants; Belle's more intriguing attempt to assuage her guilt. Knows he had the tape, knows he would threaten to use it, tries to object anyway so that her actions can seem justified, that she was 'helpless'.

Wonder if the story succeeds, though. Seems like what we have here is an unreliable omniscient narrator. Little or no indication of this ulterior motive, her scheming nature, until the very end, again, apparently for the reader's benefit.

*She feels her resolve waiver before she even knocks*
Kind of takes on an additional meaning. Does her resolve waver because she knows her actions are wrong, or because she's not sure about this game she's devised, whether or not it will backfire and cause her lose Dominic. Also, waiver = waver.

It's a very subtle nitpick with the story, but essentially that is why I think it doesn't quite resonate. Can't fault the writing, though. Really solid story. Some nits:

*Kisses her like a soldier kisses is sweetheart when he returns from war. *
"...like a soldier kisses his sweetheart after the war."

Liked how she only gave him perishable gifts. Unique detail, gives terrific insight to the character.


*Don V Standeford
“Forty Canoes”
Score: 17*

Good story, good clean writing, but overall felt kind of flat. It's fun that the warriors who fight the incoming ships have the same name as those ships -- a unique twist on the history -- but at the same time it seems like the story relies on that quirk for its power, as that switch-a-roo is the entire purpose of the story. And so I can't help wondering what's the point.

The story is firmly in the present moment, which is good and bad. Good because it's a vivid scene, easy to visualize; bad because there's not much sense of history, which I think is essential to a good piece of flash like this, where the POV is Third Person, oscillating between limited and omniscient. I don't get a strong sense of any of these characters as a result, so it is hard to be totally involved. Some back story is offered here, like when she remembers the beach as a kid, the fields, but it's not enough in my opinion. For example, had they been preparing for this moment for some time? Had they been gathering resources, weapons? Did they believe a prophecy fortold this event? All of this stuff could have presumably happened before this moment, and all of it (and similar details) are sadly absent. The story doesn't feel as textured as it could be as a result.

Some of the detail included here seems to have little impact on the larger story, and so I wonder why it was included. Most of this occurs in paragraph two. Additionally, the snakes and hornets are mentioned more than once, again, seemingly without purpose. In fact, the snakes are mentioned at least six times! Surely they must be important then. But, really, they're not--least as far as I can tell.

What is important in this story? What is necessary for this story to be good? We care about the warning, the ships, the incoming battle. We also care about the characters. Additionally, we should (and I do) care about the events leading up to this warning, the preparations made, the stories told. We also care about the future and the projected aftermath of this battle.

I don't care about snakes at all, except maybe once, as a detail that enriches the scene. But not six times.
Suggest, for future stories, looking at ways to condense time, so that the story feels like it is more than just an episode, that it covers more than a point in time. Suggest, also, limiting dialogue to two or three exchanges (unless the dialogue is truly superb / revealing). Otherwise, paraphrase.


*Ravensty
“Find Shelter”
Score: 19.5*

Fantastic story. I want to say the letter at the end kind of let the piece down, since it's a common way of providing context -- explaining what happened -- but I found Haddie's reasons for the letter wonderfully original. Last five words of the letter really cuts to the bone. Just great.

Thought you handled the viewpoint pretty well. Initially I thought the presentation was clumsy: "I walk...", "I shut...", "I can hear...", but strangely it fits here. Like, I can imagine her mentally checking these actions off in her head. She's not the brightest. And the story just gets better from there. You handled her voice pretty well. Colloquial language kind of scares me, as a writer. So unbelievably hard to do well, so easy to get wrong.

Really enjoyed the simile for the fridge, how it looked like a skeleton. I used to have one of those older models with the white wire racks and I was reminded of them instantly. Cause they do--they kind of look like bones.
Story is structured and flows exceptionally well. Love who she rambles on about 'Please please -- please what', then goes into the kitchen and sees Petey. The repetition of "She gone kill you." It all just feels right, perfectly placed within the narrative.

Excellent.


*Jon M
“All We Ever Do is Fall in Love”
Judge’s Entry*

N/A


*Garza
“Panther Burn”
Score: 19*
Great story as told through dialogue. Liked that Roy thought he knew the people because he was born ‘right there’ and went to school ‘right over there’. Very superficial of him; as a detail I thought it revealed a lot about his character.

Nits:

*when he was little, doing ,chores*
no comma after ‘doing’

*‘Farmed it, I guess.’*
The paragraph following this seemed to get a little too expository. This was one of the first times I was aware that the dialogue was intended to be a vehicle for the story, rather than just dialogue. Like getting a glimpse behind the curtain, so to speak.

*The best you could do was clerk in a feed sore in Yazoo City.*
store

But overall great, natural-sounding dialogue. It did get a little hard to distinguish between speakers, especially toward the end when their dialogue was roughly the same length. But very effective at telling a story through spoken word only. I’d just personally like to see you branch out more and tell stories in other ways. Obviously dialogue is something you excel at. Now, perhaps, it’s time to move on to other methods.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Potty’s scores]

*Vendetta5885
"The Cold Wind"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14*

Love the ending and I felt the prompt was well used. There were a few issues with your desciptive bits though. For instance: _“The wind cut through my jacket like a bayonet through the enemy’s flesh, the wind steals my warmth like the bayonet stealing a life, slowly and painfully.” _It sounds like you've written a similar description twice here. I would have maybe shortened this and combined the two to make: _“The wind cuts through my jacket, stealing my warmth like the enemy's bayonet steals a life, slowly and painfully.” _

As far as onomatopoeias go, I think I loose 'plop' for something else, 'whumpf' or something. Plop is a sound associated with my namesake.

Your formatting, I'm sorry to say, was quite poor and made it difficult to read. When you have a large block of text like that it's easy to let your eyes slip off the page and you have to end up reading with a finger marking your place.

Good effort, thanks for the read!


*popsprocket
"A Blur of Fists and Wrath"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 16*

Nice clean writing, very clear and easy to follow. The plot itself I felt was a little lacking however. I find it hard to understand the leap from annoyance at a useless father to trying to kill him and the daughter being thank full for it. I don't exactly see eye to eye with my dad, but if someone went for him I would be on that person like a flesh eating bacteria, lover or otherwise. With this in mind, however, it would have been a nice twist if after the attack and the door being slammed in his face, the father whispered a reason why he was useless. He is dying perhaps and his absences are for treatments that he doesn't wish to admit to his daughter. This way the tables are turned and the person who think they are being righteous are actually the baddies... well anyway, my point being I was underwhelmed by the ending.

BUT it was still, technically, a well written story. Good job!


*Acropitcairn
"You Don’t Get to Have Nice Things When Bear Suit is Around"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18*

*Blink* Well I'm not really sure what to make of that. The imagery was powerful, crisp and really really weird! An interesting message at the end. Well written. Strange concept. I liked it but I really have no idea why.

I think the Bear Suit needed a jesters hat.


*lasm
"Bonnie and Clyde"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16*

The lack of speech marks really distracted me from the story. Everyone has a style I agree, but I spent more of the story trying to adapt to this method and wondering why you did it than actually taking in the plot. However with that in mind it was an interesting look at the fine line between a threat and a warning and I agree... some times there is no distinction. I remember once asking my mother if she was threatening me, to which she replied “I'm making promises.”

I liked Bonnies character and you managed to build up quite a strong one is such a limited space. So well done!


*Xalor
"Eight Hours to Rest in Peace"
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 13*

This was a nice story which gave a positive outlook on the inevitable. However there were a number of grammar issues, an example among others: “A barrage of PSAs aired heeding people to avoid physical contact” The correct word here would be “Advising people” as it would be the public who do the heeding. And then: “which in a world depended on online networking” Dependant is the word you're looking for here. But otherwise I enjoyed the story, I like the concept that everyone could potentially have the virus and not know it until they are given a chance to sort out their affairs, then poof!

Good job!


*Foxee
"Death of a White Rabbit"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 14*

Second person narrative. Risky. I usually don't like this point of view as I often get a bit annoyed at someone assuming I would be doing the things that I'm reading.

_You are refusing the offer to go back to the pretty girls house._
“I am? Doesn't sound like me.”
_Instead you introduce her to your best friend who is a known womaniser._
“No, I definitely wouldn't be doing that.”
_You break into the Gangnam dance_
*puts book down*

So yea, you get my point. But I have to admit, pitch forks accepted, that this story confused the hell out of me. I wasn't sure who I was supposed to be or what we are all doing. What was the bridge thing about? Are we on a space ship or something? This is a case that I often find with good writers, which is it was too intelligent for me. Sorry Foxee, but I just couldn't connect with this one.

Don't stab me.


*lothianwriter
"The worst Friday ever"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 12*

Your formatting, I'm sorry to say, was quite poor and made it difficult to read. When you have a large block of text like that it's easy to let your eyes slip off the page and you have to end up reading with a finger marking your place. Also, for some strange reason, your story was pasted twice. I'm assuming that wasn't intentional.

It was an interesting concept which had my interested, but I was left disappointed by the story as nothing really came of it. I would have liked to have seen the effect the flare would have had when it hit or some other factor that would give an element of risk to the story. But that being said, what was there is well written so good job!


*Bad Craziness
"Easy Like Sunday Morning"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 19*

Loved it! The way you describe the hang over is exactly perfect! The half eaten chicken kebab, which tasted so lovely the previous night, just makes you feel sick now. Every movement makes you want to hurl and all you can do is carry on breathing and hop you live through it. This is the best description of the morning after I have ever read. I can't really associate with waking up next to a strange girl in a strange room. I settled down with my other half who I met on the internet before I had the chance to get into these situations. But if the accuracy of the hangover description is anything to go by, I have just lived it through your writing.

I have to wonder... is this fiction or a biography? 


*FleshEater
"Warning: Viewer Discretion is Advised."
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20*

Creepy! I often avoid gory films as I don't like cheering on the bad guys they was I do when I watch them. But to have a film turn you into the bad guy is an interesting twist. It was unclear if the film actually transported you into the events... like an out of body experience in an alternate reality where you end up murdering all those you hold dear. Or if the film was just so well made that you felt like you were in the film but still sat on your sofa. I also wondered if the film showed his actual family being murdered by him and if so, how did the film makers manage to get images of his family. In the end I was able to suspend belief an allow myself to just enjoy the story which is a mark of a well written story. The more I think about it the deeper it gets and the more possibilities present themselves, I wonder now if it was a mental break down on his part and he is actually murdering his family in an attempt to feel emotion but in his mind he is just watching it happen as though it's a film. This really can let each individual experience it a different way just like the DVD.

I originally scored this an 6/10 for effect because at first I thought it was just a story about a guy watching a DVD... but it ended up haunting me for a few hours after reading and has stuck out the most, I know I will be thinking about it for a few weeks so I've changed it to 10/10. My favourite yet. Very well done.


*Kevin
"A sweet Reminder"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 11*

Sorry, Kevin. I usually quite like your unique way of story telling. But the language stopped me enjoying this one. I didn't really connect with the plot either. I'm not saying it's bad, it just really wasn't for me.

Still love you though!


*Cadence
"Chewing it Over"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15*

‘Come on Lil,’ he said with a bloody mouthful. ‘Yours’ll go off.’ This line made me chuckle. The story engaged me and had me wondering what the characters were, vampires, werewolves or something else. The disappointing thing is I finished the story still wondering. The fact the mothers was a domestic cat didn't shed much light on the subject either. But that aside it was still well written and easy to read.

There were a couple of times where you used a word that felt a little out of place. “Stole into the garden” for instance, I would have been tempted to dumb it down a little for such a trivial activity.

But not a bad effort, well done 


*anonick
"A Romantic Story"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 11*

I'm really sorry but you picked the wrong judge to pitch a romance too. However I put my dislike of the genre aside and focused on the story itself. There was only a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes that I spotted but I'm sorry to say that I found it really hard to follow who was who, I don't think there was enough space for me to connect to the characters and work out who was who, and they both sounded the same too. Also I was getting really confused if the main character was a boy or girl and if he/she was a friend of lover or what. Either way, I think the title is inaccurate as this isn't that romantic since the girl/boy ends up breaking up with the person she/he loves in the end anyway.

Romance stories are boring so add some excitement! An element of risk would have lifted this story off the page.

I'm sorry but I just couldn't connect with this one.

Thanks for the read all the same.


*Leyline
"apology"
Judge’s Entry*

A tribute to the recent killings? I think we all feel this way. Nicely done.


*Anna Buttons
"Inevitable"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17*

This is pretty much how I got my other half. Blackmail and trickery. I jest of course but this story is similar to something that happened to a work friend of mine. He was fooling around with a girl at work who ended up blackmailing him into seeing her again and again. She was all “If you stop I will tell your wife” etc. He managed to break it off in the end but still, it's not a nice position to be in.

The story was well written and I connected with the characters nicely. I could recognise the subservient woman who made a feeble attempt at doing the right thing but gave up at the first hurdle and I think I've actually met the controlling unfeeling bloke. I liked how you sprung the suspense on us, at first I thought to myself “Oh no, a romance!” but when I realised that she was with another man I started to get into it. When I realised the man was able to control the woman into having sex with him I started taking notes.

I liked it, good job!


*Don V Standeford
"Forty Canoes"
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 15*

Very Apocolyptoesque. This was an enjoyable read, but in the first three paragraphs it feels like you're obsessing over the snakes a little bit, I would be inclined to mention them once and leave it at that. But otherwise I was enjoying the read. Am I right in thinking that the ships were the crusades coming to turn a land of foreign devils to Christians?

One thing I will say id go careful when choosing descriptive words. If I didn't know any better I would have thought your snakes had been insulted (because they were seething) and your women could fly.

Thanks for the read.


*ravensty
"Find Shelter"
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14*

An interesting read, using the accent for the narration was risky but I think you pulled it off. It was a nice quick glimpse at someone suffering from an episode but I wasn't sure who it was he had locked in the closet, at first I thought it was a dog.

But a clear read once I had gotten used to the accent.

Thanks for the read!


*Jon M
"All We Ever Do is Fall in Love
Judge’s Entry*

A gory story indeed! But I have to ask, what's the deal with the cameras? Is this some sort of reality TV show or something? Bit confused by that. But it was a good read, clear and definitely conjured up lots of dark images.

Thanks!


*Garza
"Panther Burn"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17*

Hated it... joking! This is yet another good story from the person who thinks he can't write fiction. I quite often find myself getting annoyed with people who think they can have everything handed to them on a plate without having to put the work in. I see you too have a similar frustration and have managed to convey that into the story. It actually got me thinking about the relationship I have with my dad and sister. My sister is the favourite because she puts so much work into their relationship, where as I just sit back and let it happen. I used to be jealous about it until I saw how hard she tries and decided I couldn't really be bothered and good for her etc. But Roy obviously can't accept or see that his brother has earned everything he has gotten, and when a person is this stubborn it often leads to strained relations which you have managed to convey very well.

I liked the characters, even though Toby never spoke I could connect with his character, and that is only done because of the good writing involved.

Well done 
[/spoiler2]


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## Fin (Dec 26, 2012)

Had technical difficulties with this one. Feel free to let me know if there are any mistakes.


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## Jon M (Dec 26, 2012)

Presentation looks sharp there, good sir.


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## Leyline (Dec 26, 2012)

Fin said:


> Had technical difficulties with this one. Feel free to let me know if there are any mistakes.



Looks like a great job to me, Fin. That must have been a load of work. Hats off!

Thanks to all the competitors and my fellow judges, the kind words about my own little non-story, and congrats to lasm, garza and Arcopitcairn! I'm sad my other two favorites didn't place, but glad they both came close. 

Now we're all Waiting For The Sun!


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## Deleted member 49710 (Dec 26, 2012)

Yay! Thanks very much, judges!  That was a lot of judging!

Lots of really good entries in this one--I really enjoyed the other two in the top three and a bunch of the others. When I saw the judges' entries I was selfishly glad I was not competing against them.


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## Jon M (Dec 26, 2012)

Congrats lasm, Arcopitcairn, and Mr. Why-I-oughta-quit-this-fiction-business-cause-I'm-no-good. :razz:


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## Foxee (Dec 26, 2012)

Thank you, judges! I apologize for trial-ballooning this idea, I knew it would  be a rough one for flash fiction but badly wanted to test out the tense and ideas in a place where I knew I'd be guaranteed a response. Your responses help more than you know so thanks! I'd explain some of it but instead I think I'll wait until I have some novel excerpts to post in the Workshop. That should bring a greater degree of explanation and an easier pace. JonM was closest to understanding the premise that I was working with although still not quite on. While I like keeping things somewhat enigmatic, ambiguity that obscures the story isn't what I'm aiming for.

Oh, and the reference in the title to 'white rabbit' was of the 'I'm late, I'm late' variety from Alice in Wonderland. No actual rabbits were harmed in the writing of this story.

So thank you for putting up with being used as guinea pigs, you're good sports!

And from what I've gotten to read so far, lots of great entries for this one, too. *applause all around* Congrats to the winners!


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## Jon M (Dec 26, 2012)

Foxee said:


> Thank you, judges! I apologize for trial-ballooning this idea, I knew it would  be a rough one for flash fiction but badly wanted to test out the tense and ideas in a place where I knew I'd be guaranteed a response. Your responses help more than you know so thanks! I'd explain some of it but instead I think I'll wait until I have some novel excerpts to post in the Workshop. That should bring a greater degree of explanation and an easier pace. JonM was closest to understanding the premise that I was working with although still not quite on. While I like keeping things somewhat enigmatic, ambiguity that obscures the story isn't what I'm aiming for.
> 
> Oh, and the reference in the title to 'white rabbit' was of the 'I'm late, I'm late' variety from Alice in Wonderland. No actual rabbits were harmed in the writing of this story.


Figured it was a Wonderland reference. Cool POV, though -- I may have to try one like that sometime.


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## FleshEater (Dec 26, 2012)

Thank you judges, and a big congratulations to the winners...all were definitely deserved!

I thank the judges for overlooking the one italic mistake I missed in the preview, yes, it wasn't my doing but the forums.

Potty, to acknowledge your comments (most feel as you did, I think); my story was about me. I was looking for my limit about a year ago and found it in a certain film I watched. However, I have met people that have yet to meet their limits, hence David. The movie he watches is him sitting on his sofa, watching himself murder his family, his friends, and do absolutely the most vile of things to them, thus showing him his limit. Expressing how he feels afterwards is hard. After I watched this film I snapped the disc in half and wanted to do something to make the visions go away forever...expressing that type of depression, hopelessness, etc. is really hard for an amateur writer like myself. I could have capitalized on his feelings, but honestly had no idea how.

Thank you all again, and congrats as well.


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## Kevin (Dec 26, 2012)

Congrats winners. Thank you judges. What a great learning experience. Love it. Reading everyone's scores on all the pieces and how they were arrived at is great too. 
It's like a guide: _What to_ _look for in Your Writing_. Somehow it feels more intense than a critique. Thank you, again.

p.s.-  I'd give Garza an extra point for using a double contraction in one word. (que cajones)


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## popsprocket (Dec 26, 2012)

Huge effort from the judges, with this number of entries.

I'd defend some of my story choices, but I'm quite admittedly bad at short fiction and will just have to take a different approach next time. Looking forward to it!


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## garza (Dec 27, 2012)

Wow. This I never expected. Thank you judges. I'm going to post the first draft of 'Panther Burn' in Fiction after a bit of tweaking to take your comments into account. I'd appreciate some comment on the full story.


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## Jeko (Dec 27, 2012)

Congratulations to Lasm. Yours was a fantastic read; from the moment I saw it, I knew it would be a winner.

Only just realised myself how confusing the cat-mother was. It was one of those random ideas that didn't mean much at the time, but grew on me as I thought about more and more weird explanations for it. But still, very confusing, and probably misplaced. 

Thanks to all the judges for their great critiques.


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## Arcopitcairn (Dec 27, 2012)

Thanks judges! Considering all the great entries and talented authors, third place is pretty sweet


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## lothianwriter (Dec 27, 2012)

Congratulations to Lasm, Garza and Arcopitcairn.
Bottom of the pile for my first attempt. I think I got a bit over excited when I decided to put in an entry and should have went over my story again, made sure my formatting was correct.  I must do better 

I found they were all good reads and it gives you insights into other writing styles.


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## Leyline (Dec 27, 2012)

lothianwriter said:


> Congratulations to Lasm, Garza and Arcopitcairn.
> Bottom of the pile for my first attempt. I think I got a bit over excited when I decided to put in an entry and should have went over my story again, made sure my formatting was correct.  I must do better
> 
> I found they were all good reads and it gives you insights into other writing styles.



This attitude is the finest tool in a writer's box, and will serve you well always. 

Best,
-G.


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## Don V Standeford (Dec 28, 2012)

I wanted to thank all the judges for taking time to critique my fiction piece "Forty Canoes." and you were absolutely right on about the mistakes. It's nice to have a contest like this.


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## Bad Craziness (Dec 28, 2012)

I'd also like to thank the judges. Wonderful to read your critiques, which must have required an enormous effort at a busy time of the year. First time I've entered one of these comps on the forums and it won't be the last. They provide an excellent space to try out new things and focus on specific choices within the theme. Congrats also to the three winners, particularly Lasm. It was a stand-out winner I believe. Talented lady.


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## Anna Buttons (Jan 1, 2013)

Thanks so much to the judges for their mammoth effort - and a special thanks to Leyline for being supremely lovely.


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## Leyline (Jan 2, 2013)

Anna Buttons said:


> Thanks so much to the judges for their mammoth effort - and a special thanks to Leyline for being supremely lovely.



Thank you for writing such a lovely story. It was a pleasure to read and judge.


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## candid petunia (Jan 2, 2013)

The format is pretty neat, Fin! 

Congratulations to the winners.
And I appreciate the time and efforts of the judges for every competition.  Once upon a time, there used to be judges for the poetry challenges as well *shudder*. I wonder how they did it.


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