# Dear Walmart Shoppers



## Hairball

As you know, I'm a customer service manager at Walmart. While 95% of you shoppers are absolutely delightful and brighten my day just by walking in the door, the other 5% of you need some ... refining. This letter is for that 5%.

Dear Walmart Shoppers,

While I am glad to see you and greet you with a smile, do not think I will put up with certain lousy behaviors and habits. Those belong at home.

1. Please put the phone down when you're conducting business at the service desk or the register. First of all, it's rude. Second, I'd rather not hear you cussing out your boyfriend and dropping the f-bomb, and third, when I ask you a question, yelling "I'm on the @#$%&!! phone, b****!!" at me is not the point.

2. The bag carousel is not a playground for your children. It's dangerous and annoying. Please do us all a favor and duct-tape your unruly monsters to the bottom of your buggy.

3. Please understand the self-checkouts are exactly that. _*Self*_-checkouts. No, my cashiers are not going to do it for you. They have seven other registers to watch and to be very honest, if you really want to know, no, you aren't that important.

4. If an item rings up at a higher price than you claim, calling me names and blaming me for the discrepancy is not going to make someone come any faster to do your price check for you. Just saying.

5. The speedy checkouts do not have signs on them that say, "Twenty Items or More." The signs say, "Twenty Items or_* Less*_!" During last year's store remodel, this prompted me to suggest having an automatic trapdoor in front of these that open up and swallow you on item #21.

6. We ask to see your ID if you look under 40 for alcohol and tobacco purchases. That is a North Carolina state law and is not our way of annoying you. We will especially ask you for ID when for the boys, you have no facial hair, your voices haven't dropped yet, and for the girls, you're not even in a trainer bra yet. Please be aware of this.

7. We sincerely appreciate our shoppers bringing their own reusable grocery bags, and we are very skilled at packing these exactly the way you desire. However, flinging your bags at us and yelling, "Pack 'em! And do it right!!" is highly likely to result in a couple of broken eggs and a hole through your bread. Also, we don't do bugs. Seeing ants and roaches scurrying out of your reusable bags will not prompt us to touch them; therefore, you get the plastic bags and don't bother arguing about it.

8. And for the _*last*_ time, dearest shoppers, Walmart does _*not*_ refund items bought at Target, Kmart, Belk's, or any other store. I can't stress this enough.

9. We do not ad-match used items sold on Ebay. That IPhone 6 you've chosen is brand new; the one on Ebay is used and the screen is completely shattered, and you're absolutely _*not*_ getting a brand-new IPhone 6 for $75.00. 

10. Any product that comes into direct contact with bodily fluids is definitely not returnable. Please refrain from returning used pregnancy tests because they were wrong.

11. You might think returning items you claim are unopened will result in us taking your word for it. That's not our policy; we open all boxes and stuffing your husband's old drill into a new box and trying to get a refund on the new drill only makes you look rather ridiculous.

12. If you've put a bigger engine into your truck and the battery you bought two years ago won't fit now, no, we can't exchange it even with a receipt. Please don't even try.

13. Calling us and ordering a MoneyGram over the phone with a credit or debit card number is an exercise in futility. How do we know it's your card? We know this is a scam. Think about it.

14. Speaking of credit and debit cards, when your card is declined, no, it's not our financial system at fault. There are several reasons why this happens, and it's up to you to resolve the issue. We will not call your bank or credit card company, and we are unable to "turn a key" into the register to force the system accept it.

15. Please don't bring your spider monkeys, bearded dragons, and snakes into the store. These are definitely _*not*_ service animals and we're not convinced, much less impressed.

16. Although Walmart doesn't have a dress policy for its customers, during the summer, please leave a little something to the imagination. It cuts down on the nausea. Oh...and coming into the store in your pajamas isn't very attractive either.

17. Our door greeters check receipts for a reason. Yelling "Racism!", "Discrimination!", or "I'm being attacked!" seriously doesn't work out real well for you. There are things called cameras all over the store, including the entrances.

18. We understand that some of you have health issues, and we're sorry you do. No one likes health issues, and we seriously care about you. However, showing us your colostomy bag and all its contents isn't necessary. Believe me, we'll take your word for it.

19. Teens joyriding on the MartCarts is also unnecessary. They are not toys and not to be used for playing bumper cars. They are there for folks with physical disabilities and we don't think you're cute and we will take them away from you.

20. Last but definitely not least, when we're on registers and closing it, cleaning it, and collecting the returns with the "Lane Closed" sign out and the light off, don't come flying up and start putting your stuff on the belt saying, "You're opening, right?" and get mad at us when we say, "No, I'm sorry, I'm not open." Seriously...what part of the "Lane Closed" sign and the light off did you not get? 

We hope this letter will help you work better with us, and thank you for shopping at Walmart.

Sincerely,
Hairball
Customer Service Manager


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## PiP

If you made any SPaGs this piece was so hilarious I failed to notice as it  held my attention right to the end. Excellent work, Hairball.


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## Red Sonja

This is quite entertaining as far as I'm concerned, but are you sure those Walmart shoppers are gonna read it...? O_0


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## Sonata

Red Sonja said:


> This is quite entertaining as far as I'm concerned, but are you sure those Walmart shoppers are gonna read it...? O_0



Having never been to a Walmart I would not know, but I read it and laughed my head off in the process! :lol:


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## Hairball

Thanks, folks!

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction...and Walmart is _*strange*_.


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## Harper J. Cole

A flawlessly written glimpse into the alien planet known as Walmart; nice work. :thumbl:


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## Hairball

HarperCole said:


> A flawlessly written glimpse into the alien planet known as Walmart; nice work. :thumbl:



Oh my! Thank you!


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## DATo

"Never get a job where you have to deal with the public." Best advice I have ever been given.


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## Hairball

DATo said:


> "Never get a job where you have to deal with the public." Best advice I have ever been given.



What's really fun is to see how many people can't deal with the public, and the next thing you know...a former Walmart associate is asking for a recommendation.  

YOW!!


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## Courtjester

Very entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Not having been to the US, I have never shopped at Walmart, but we have a subsidiary thereof here. I don't patronise it, but a friend of mine gets her shopping from there online and she has plenty of 'fun and games' in the process. Cj


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## paryno

Excellent work! I loved it so much and found myself laughing. Good job!


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## MrTiggles

LOL! Was a shift lead at Walgreens for years, just about everything on your list is totally 100% true in the retail business..........
(Although I'll admit, I rock my PJ's in Walmart all the time......)


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## Hairball

MrTiggles said:


> LOL! Was a shift lead at Walgreens for years, just about everything on your list is totally 100% true in the retail business..........
> (Although I'll admit, I rock my PJ's in Walmart all the time......)



Nooooooooo!! Well maybe. How cute are you in your PJs?


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## tjc5172

Sorry! I was once a douchey drunk college kid who rode around in the walmart carts once or three times before :sad: I've learned the error of my ways


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## Winston

As a former (recovering) Retail Manager, all I can say is... Yup.

Oh, and I LOVE getting carded.  It's so infrequent now, and flattering.


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## Hairball

tjc5172 said:


> Sorry! I was once a douchey drunk college kid who rode around in the walmart carts once or three times before :sad: I've learned the error of my ways



LOL! I'm sure you have. No worries.



Winston said:


> As a former (recovering) Retail Manager, all I can say is... Yup.
> 
> Oh, and I LOVE getting carded.  It's so infrequent now, and flattering.



Oh yeah, right. Lucky you, LOL! The last time I got carded was at a hotel and they wanted my AARP card. Not flattering LOL!!!


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## laijunchen

Oh my goodness! That was hilarious! At first I didn't think I'd read the whole thing, but it was too funny to not finish. I've been to Walmart a few times and I didn't realize people were that, well, for lack of better words, rude and stupid. I can't imagine having to work there. I can't imagine going into Walmart multiple times a week is terribly fun. Ah well, we do what we must. 
Too bad it isn't likely that that 5% of customers is going to read this. 
Sincerely.


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## Winston

laijunchen said:


> ...Too bad it isn't likely that that 5% of customers is going to read this.
> Sincerely.



They never do.


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## Issachar

As a former hardware store employee I can say with confidence that there is much truth to be found here. Well done!


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## JP-Clyde

I wrote something similar when I use to work at Carl's Jr. Customers use to get mad at me and practically fling their credit card at me, when I tried to repeat their order back to them. It shouldn't be my fault if your food comes out wrong if you're not willing to listen to the very order you gave me to make sure it's right, you know the first time.

All though to your last comment;

Walmart seriously needs more lanes open. I seen Safeways faster than Walmart, mate. Safeways always on the intercom "threes a crowd" and boom some representatives come over and start opening lanes as fast as they can to get these people moving.

Yall have so many lanes, so little open though.


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## Jack of all trades

I loved this piece. It certainly brightened my day.


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## Hairball

laijunchen said:


> Oh my goodness! That was hilarious! At first I didn't think I'd read the whole thing, but it was too funny to not finish. I've been to Walmart a few times and I didn't realize people were that, well, for lack of better words, rude and stupid. I can't imagine having to work there. I can't imagine going into Walmart multiple times a week is terribly fun. Ah well, we do what we must.
> Too bad it isn't likely that that 5% of customers is going to read this.
> Sincerely.



I doubt that 5% have reading comprehension skills above that of the second grade, much less a sense of humor. Thank you!



Issachar said:


> As a former hardware store employee I can say with confidence that there is much truth to be found here. Well done!



Oy! Thank you!



JP-Clyde said:


> I wrote something similar when I use to work at Carl's Jr. Customers use to get mad at me and practically fling their credit card at me, when I tried to repeat their order back to them. It shouldn't be my fault if your food comes out wrong if you're not willing to listen to the very order you gave me to make sure it's right, you know the first time.
> 
> All though to your last comment;
> 
> Walmart seriously needs more lanes open. I seen Safeways faster than Walmart, mate. Safeways always on the intercom "threes a crowd" and boom some representatives come over and start opening lanes as fast as they can to get these people moving.
> 
> Yall have so many lanes, so little open though.



Sad but true.



Jack of all trades said:


> I loved this piece. It certainly brightened my day.



Thanks!

I love writing stuff like this. Thank you all!


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## xtrmnitemare

This gave me a good laugh, I should have my sister read this as she works at wally world (walmart).


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## Hairball

xtrmnitemare said:


> This gave me a good laugh, I should have my sister read this as she works at wally world (walmart).



Share it all you wish! Thank you!!


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## Pidgeon84

As a Kroger employee, I could not relate more. If I may I would like add that when we announce the store is now closed it doesn't mean "feel free to add another hundred dollars to your order." It means we are about to pull the tills and if you don't come up now, you will be leaving with nothing.


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## T.S.Bowman

Nicely written, Hairball. Good clean fun.

I have done a whole lot of retail jobs and every bit of this rings true.

Fortunately, I no longer have to deal with the public.


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## Hairball

I always say this..."Twenty-five years in the Army NEVER prepared me for Walmart!"

Sad but true.


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## DarkSunshine

Nice one Hairball!
Second, I'd rather not hear you cussing out your boyfriend and dropping the f-bomb, and third, when I ask you a question, yelling, "I'm on the @#$%&!! phone, b****!!" at me is not the point.
Just a comma there and I think that's good to go! I loved how you stressed some words that had to be stressed! 
Was funny and giggled here and there, especially the part about refunding items from Target, K-Mart, etc. :rofl:


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## Glhadiator

A very nice read that is sadly humorous. I frequent Walmart so I don't doubt any of it's authenticity. However it reminds me of a billboard I saw when driving through Alabama once. 

The billboard read: _If you experience vision problems and cannot see we are here to help. Call 123-555-1234 or visit us at   WWW blah blah
_
I'm pretty sure that the 5% you are referring to will never read it. But the 95% that _can_ read it will enjoy it. Including myself. A life long friend of mine works at Walmart and will certainly enjoy it. Unless you object, I would like to forward it to him.

Thanks for making me laugh.

EDIT: The above link doesn't actually link at all. I guess I could change it but it made me laugh when I tried to go to it.


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## MzSnowleopard

I'm a loyal Walmart shopper - I like the 1 stop shopping! 

Reading this reminded me of my last visit- in the frozen pizza aisle, I met up with a woman who had her dog in the kid seat of her cart. How she got away with this is beyond me. 

Thanks for the laughs.

Now, if they'd sell my brand of beer- I could stop visiting HyVee


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## W.Goepner

I worked for Kmart for the better part of a year. I started in Lay-a-way. So customer service is familiar to me. I also frequent Walmart, my favorite one stop place to shop. There are times I will admit I have quite simply forgot to read the sign, 20 items or less, too busy trying to check out and go home. (I have wondered if that counted whit the five for deals) I have walked up to the express line and glanced at my cart and did not realize it was 30 and not 20. Some days My brain forgets to get out of bed with me. For the most part the checker simply smiles and does their job and I thank them profusely.

I also have been the next in line behind those A** holes! at the service counter, I wait for the poor rep to call me up then I smile at them and say, "Take a deep breath, relax, and I am not in a hurry." I ask them if they would like a little time to calm them selves, then do what I need to. Then before I leave I try to encourage them to smile and give them my thanks. If my brain is with me at the time and my wits have not escaped me I say something to make them chuckle. 

Life is hard enough, no need in letting that stupid 5% get to us.


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## MzSnowleopard

Bravo to you WG. The way people treat the crew is one of the reasons I refuse to work in fast food any more- especially the ones in training. Cut these people some slack, they may be working at McDonalds, Burger King etc BUT they're still human. And they're not stupid. Just because you ( in general) have had a craptastic day does not give you the right to unleash on someone else, especially these folks just trying to do their job.

If you get your order in less than 5 minutes, that's a good thing. If you don't want it screwed up- go inside to order. The odds of an order being screwed up are increased with the drive-thru because of a bad com system.


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## W.Goepner

Another thing from my time at Kmart. I always did my best to calm my coworkers after they had to deal with a irate customer. My first thing is to find some logic as to why they should not let the dumb s** get to them. I would say something like. "Look at it this way, treat them with respect, let them rant and rave and leave. They are one in thousands which will come through here, try to think of the other 999 who will be nice and thank you for your help." They would look at me still angry but a little relieved. Then I'd say, "Come on you're stuck for a few hours and their fifteen minutes with you is over, they'r stuck like that for the rest of their day." Which usually gets them to smile. It is true; when you think of a miserable person being miserable for their day or even their life, it tends to make you feel sorry for them, in turn you feel better. After all, you only have to be with them a short time they have to be with themselves forever. 

If that does not work I try this. "Focus your anger at me and say, are you ready for it? Come on I will say it with you. It's alright I don't mind. Oh come on you can say it, really I do not mind at all." Of course they by this time are looking at me like, 'you're crazy.' as I continue, "Look it is only three words and they are very easy to say.  1... 2... 3... "Biiiiiiiiill's an Asshole!" (For those who do not know or remember, My name is Bill)


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## midnightpoet

Go a big laugh out of that, thanks.

My first job was at Safeway, 1960.  I made 75 cents an hour. It was a small town, still stuck in the 1950's.  My manager knew my family, went to the same church - so I didn't have to work on Sundays. I was a bag-boy most of the time, the customers all knew my family, and often I'd take some little old ladies groceries home for her (manager approved).  I always refused tips, even for that. I never had any problems with anybody. 

I'll admit now it's gotten to the point I really don't want to go in Wallyworld if I don't have to, although people here (San Angelo) seem nicer in general than the big metro areas like Dallas or Houston.  It's getting worse though.  Crime is up, so are auto accidents.


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## Cat

Hello friends!

I have known Hairball of many years after her return of the Army. She is very much of many who serve our needs, very kind and smiling to make us feel well. 

It does not prove well for people to treat of those badly. I was here to attend of my great aunt and in college and of the weekends I worked in a gift and flowers shop. Some times people are so very terrible rude when one tries the best to serve them. There was more than of one day which I came home to cry for being treated so badly. I did my tasks well but my English is not perfect and there are of words and phases I do not understand. I am an American citizen but mean people told me to go home. 

One of the days I became very angry. I went of Hairball's house before home for I was so very angry. I put out of my heart to her. I am of a very good family of Romania and I shall inherit many businesses which I am learning now. Hairball knows of this. She told to me, "Remember who you are, Catina. Now dry your tears and go kick some ass and stand up for yourself. Your Papa doesn't need to be handing over his and your grandfather's businesses to a sniviling little girl. I mean it, remember who you are."

With her words of my thoughts, I did very much better but those who are mean stay to be mean. I am very careful of treating people best and nicely of a different attitude for of some, they are just mean and terrible.

There are many who are very nice and this makes one to help them all of more, yes?

Your friend,
~Cat


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## Hairball

I was just looking over some posts and saw this.

I think I can add to this:

21. Please don't sneeze into your hand, hand me money, then get mad at me when I immediately use the hand sanitizer. I'm trying not to die. It's a survival thing.

22. When you need a shopping assistant, and I get the lucky job, please don't yell at me while I'm finishing up with the rest of my customers. It's rude, embarrassing, and it doesn't endear me to you one dang bit.

23. If you smell like a brewery, can barely stand up, and can't speak coherently, no, I'm not letting you purchase wine. Forget it.

24. I love romance, but I really have to say this: I'm very sure your new boyfriend is a world-class soccer coach in Nigeria, and I'm really happy for you, but no, I'm not letting you send $5,000 to him to pay off the "authorities" so he can get out of the country. Try Western Union. They're actually dumber than we are.

25. I understand making your toddler comfy in the cart, but when you let him sit on a dog bed and his diaper leaks, you're paying for that dog bed. Nuff said.

26. Trying to convince me your hubby/boyfriend/significant other will call with his credit card info after you've rung up a load of stuff is, seriously, nuts. Really.

27. Asking for a handful of the big bags because your kitchen trash can is too big for the smaller bags is a little bit nuts. We sell trash bags that will fit your can on aisle 16. Have a nice day.

28. What part of "only one coupon per purchase" don't you understand?

29. And please don't hold up the speedy checkouts with 63 separate purchases to add points to your credit card. Really.

30. Please realize the Valentine's Day candy only goes on sale at midnight AFTER Valentine's Day. That means 12:00 AM, February 15. It doesn't mean noon, and we're not reducing the prices for you, no matter how much you assassinate our ancestry.

31. No, the return policy isn't on the receipt, and returning a vacuum cleaner after a year and two months is useless. The sign over the service desk plainly says, "90 days." Plus, to be honest, if you killed a vacuum cleaner, I wouldn't want to come to your house for dinner. Sounds like you've got some issues going on there.

32. We really appreciate the mattress pads and bedding you returned, infested with bedbugs. Nice touch, there.

33. By the way, when you return ammunition because it's not the right caliber and size, we honestly question your ability to own guns. Seriously.

34. Returning an HP laptop because your 3-year-old has trouble using it really makes us wonder why some people are parents. Try a Leapfrog!

35. Returning used sexy underwear because your boyfriend ditched you really has nothing to do with the underwear. Seriously.


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## SilverMoon

So well written and just what I needed this morning (still in my PJ's, not headed to WM!) The blues are backing away....thank you.


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