# January 2018 - LM - Never Bend Over - Scores



## kilroy214 (Feb 4, 2018)

*Pluralized*
*ppsage*
*totes*
*-xXx-*
19
16
17.5*Terry D*
17
15
16
*Pip*
15
17
16*rcallaci*
1416
15
*bdcharles*
16
14
15
*Godofwine*
12
15
13.5
*Roac*
10
13
11.5



Congratulations to all who entered our wonderful LM! As it is, we only had two judges this go around, so it was a fierce contest to say the least!

Enough of the niceties, let us discuss the winners!
In First place, we have *-xXx-* with _*re: writ root*_and for Second, we have a tie between *Terry D *and *Pip* with *The Glass Ballerina *and* Never Bend Over Unless...

*Good show everyone. I wish each and everyone of you the best of luck for the LM's in the future.

And now, the scores from our two dependable judges, who deserve a massive amount of applause.


[spoiler2=Pluralized's Scores] Whoa, what a fun little batch o' tales! I really enjoyed reading and scoring, and hope to see an even better festival of fun-tasticals next time! ​*

TerryD
​The Glass Ballerina
​Score: 17

Hey, cool story, and lively. Neat take on the prompt, which I liked. Great voice and flow for the most part too, and really authentic tone overall. No real issues with the narration or setting or characters, they all worked fine. This flash goes by quick without a very long arc, but does so with style.

Only picks I’ve got are the choice of first-person, which didn’t pay out, other than just an observer, which I guess is cool, but that character had nothing to do with anything aside from witnessing what was going down with Trip and Boss Jack and the gang. 

If I’m pointing to something that stuck out to me the most, I would point to the lack of context. With some of these words I would like a sentence or three that might provide me with a juicy tale of why B.J. is so anti-Dover. Might actually spice this thing up even more to know that Dover used to smoke and put cigarettes out on Jack’s chest or something, to generate tension. The ending felt like a punch line.

Style choices are hard to pick on, but I would also suggest that the ‘fat-guys in thongs’ simile threw the veins out with the bathwater, so to speak. Fat and guys should not be hyphenated together.

I didn’t like the ‘glass ballerina’ but it was used to cool effect. Dissonance, I realize.

Probably some style guide that says this is correct, but I didn’t think the comma belonged: Boss Jack pulled today’s, ​Sentinel

Same: “Might’s, not good enough, Marty.”

Sure, he’ll bend the rules so far you can almost hear ‘em crack – I really liked this. Thought it showed a high level of talent to write something like that.

fifteen foot wide face – should’ve been hyphenated in some way. Fifteen-foot-wide fence, I think would be correct-er.

Overall very cool story, gritty and hardcore, well written, cleanly edited. Nice job!
​Godofwine
​Golden Gloves
​Score: 12

So, gramps is using terminology like ‘ya’ and ‘you’ way too many times interchangeably and it was distracting. So were all the stage cues back and forth, all that weird melodramatic action leading into the story. You could have cut a hundred words of that or more.

Overall this doesn’t feel like it was written for this prompt, has entirely too much odd dialogue, that by the end of it I thought I was in the middle of a Sanford and Son episode. But not a good one. Sorry to say, but I think this one missed the mark, despite its good intentions.

Found these passages to be egregiously extant:

his voice with just the right amount of ferocity to convey his seriousness.

steps,and his grandfather grabbed him by the chin to look him in the face. 
With a weathered hand, Walter cradled Devin’s chin and lifted it high.
his grandfather held the boy’s chin and jerked it until the boy faced him


Devin’s eyes sparkled

Hope the next prompt elicits more robust storytelling; we know you have it in you. Thanks for entering!
​Rcallaci
​In the Stillness of the Endless Sea
​Score: 14

HOLY CRAP DUDE these kinds of rant/ramble theological mud-sling-festivals are why I love reading these LM entries. Takes balls to write something like this! It’s amazing to me how this piece just says what it wants to say, doesn’t give an earthly fuck about what anyone thinks, and does it with panache. I liked it. Entertaining as all hell. But it’s weird, disjointed, and not altogether correct from a grammatical perspective. 

So I have to score it accordingly. 

The funkiness of it though, the originality, and the god-damn-Jimmy-Jam-Motherfucking-Awesome creation you have put together really gives me hope that not all is lost in the LM. 

We have some nits to pick:

I’m that sizzling hot looking finger licking fiddle playing sin loving devil >> Need some hyphens sometimes, but not always. Stylistically you really own this tone.

It’s what snared Jimmy Jam to my bosom. >> ensnared?

I’m going to make this creation mythos short and simple without the religious philosophical blather Mankind likes to pontificate about. Then we’ll get to the guts of the story. >> These types of passages detract from a 650-word entry.

chaos and entropy ensues. >> ensue

It was I, not Lao Tzu, who wrote the Tao Te Ching. >>> BRILLIANT

Liked it.
​PIP
​Never Bend Over Unless Absolutely Necessary
​Score: 15

Enjoyed the way this unfolded, thought it had an inventive structure. But I wasn’t altogether sure the structure was actually coherent, the more I read it. The ending is the flashback to the interview, but the opener is a scene in the plant, after she’s gotten the job?

Lots of opportunities I saw for enhanced hilarity since this guy’s name was Dick Hiscock and all, maybe her middle name should have been Vulva or last name “McVulva” or something fun just to balance this whole thing out.

No doubt that it was written for the prompt, and had some witty moments. Overall I think I would make a couple suggestions for improvement, however:
First, the dialogue is using the single quote, which I do not believe serves the reader very well. Standard quotation marks would be much preferable, for my dollar.
Second, there are many instances of run-on sentences and places that felt like they were missing commas. This is most obvious in some of the longer sentences but I bet, had I a baker’s dozen commas in a box, I could find homes for all of them in this piece.
Lastly, there are numerous places where the punctuation is simply absent. At the end of sentences, mostly. And one weird place toward the end where the sentence seems to jump down a line randomly. Forum gremlin perhaps?

Still, fun and sassy and has its own identity, and I did enjoy it. Thank you.
​Bdcharles
​Crybaby Bridge
​Score: 16

This was extremely well written. I enjoyed its flow, its turns of phrase, and its craftsmanship. Really didn’t have anything to pick on, aside from the weird overtones. I got that Pocus bounced to his death, and Toby was the wee one, apparently? Maybe just the scene between Jeremy and Theresa at the end didn’t quite close things up for me. I went back for a second read, and still didn’t get it fully. Sad stuff, weird stuff. Overall easy reading and good writing.

Pocus had gone gleefully barking over the side and bounced off some rocks. – Funny and effective and sad, all in one go.

Jeremy sat on a rock and gestured towards the creeper-snarled span. – Nice.
​Roac
​Oblivious to the Obvious
​Score: 10

For all the contests I’ve judged, there have been three or five of these, usually in response to a prompt that is outside the realm of trope. I like this mostly because it shows that some writers, even when they don’t have a brilliant idea, don’t let that stop them and they write the damn thing anyway. Which I commend you for! It’s not going to score highly with me, well written though it was, but I think it’s a testament to the writer that it was penned, submitted, and here for our collective enjoyment. I share James’s frustration at times, but usually when the prompt is something like “Never Let a Good Man Die” or some such. Kudos for partaking, friend. Hope you will do so again with a prompt that tickles your fancy a bit more.

It dawns on me that perhaps this was entered as a serious competitive entry, and if that’s the case I hope you’ll forgive my critique of the background ideology rather than the text itself.
​-xXx-
​-re: writ root-
​Score: 19

If I had to bottle the essence of this story, this flowing oddity that has perplexed my brain for the past hour, I would sell it on a streetcorner along with the requisite syringe, then keep some back for myself to inject a bit of the deliciously weird and stylistic juice into my own filthy veins. For the love of purity, I don’t know quite how to offer what could be considered a fair critique. But the tonality of this piece, the stream-of-consciousness, avant-garde composition, it’s just plain fucking lovely.

I have not read enough sci-fi to delve into something so jargon-heavy, but the scenes are structured in a very smart way so as to provide me context. There are all of these really juicy little tidbits: “No concerns on file” for instance, and this whole notion of “Full Route” being both an aim and a mechanism for team-building. Micro-Mike is all at once a neat character, useful protagonist, and weird little bio-oddity. I felt for him at the end and realized what a Black Mirror-esque world this was.

Only nit - *smacks hand* - recovening >>> reconvening

Read this thing several times and found layers of delight each time. Thanks for entering!​* [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=ppsage's scores] A bunch of mostly ingenuous stories which largely ended up bending over to make the prompt fit in as a semi-detached punchline. Definitely not my favorite sort of entry, though I know from experience that sometimes that's all one can get out. 

[1]​*Terry D
“The Glass Ballerina"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Review: Pretty great voice and vivid scene setting. Three or four punctuation nits that aren't covered by voice allowances. I thought the opening paragraph came across a little ponderous for flash; it's the title image but it seems slightly run-on and ornate. In the final analysis, I didn't get any real purpose to the story; every time I reread it I ended up going back to see if I hadn't missed something, but I never did really figure out what the point was. There's plenty here to like, writing-wise, but it feels to me more like part of something bigger than like a stand-alone?
​
[2]​godofwine
“Golden Gloves"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Review: Good voice, good detail, pretty good imagery. ('Rivers' of tears seems overblown.) I can't think of anything that could have made this story more predictable. That's probably not good. Again, like above, to me the point doesn't really seem carry the story, although here I easily get what the point is. This is good enough writing but in a story which doesn't have much that's interesting.
​
[3]​rcallaci
“In the Stillness..."
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 16

Review: I remember another one with this brilliant setting? In that one something happened though. This story seems to me to be a waste of a totally fantastic set-up. Just ends up being explainy explainy explainy. No action. Nothing in the moment. They do end up saving the cosmos, but I was fast asleep by then.
​
[4]​PiP
“Never Bend Over Unless..."
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17

Review: What I like in this story is an incident sequence which is detailed and in the moment and which leads up to and supports a concluding point which makes sense. The title--and the prompt itself--make it a bit more predictable than is ideal, still I find that it works well. The SPaGish problems that I noted are, first, pretty egregious comma use (or, actually, omission), second, consistently misplacing the apostrophe in Operations, and third, section placements which I find somewhat too disruptive and a little unnecessary. The wordplay with Hiscock and Dick is just okay but in general the voice is just a bit too nondescript and the characters are kind of that way too. I think this is a piece that could effectively be played way over the top. But I feel that way often with LM entries.
​
[5]​bdcharles
“Crybaby Bridge"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 14

Review: To me this seems like a fairly brilliant set up for a story. Just not that much for this prompt, the strained inclusion of which kind of demeans the reader's serious attention. I thought the piece ended up a bit incoherent; tons of intriguing and portent details (except at the beginning which generalizes and tells maybe a bit overly) but the connections seemed to elude me a little more than I could interpret. At the extreme brevity of these challenges, I find it very important that the conclusion follows explicitly: I end up not really knowing why you come back changed, except to include the prompt. That's a serious let down for me.  
​
[6]​Roac
“Oblivious to the obvious"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 3
Overall: 13

Review: Much as I love this and much as it reflects my feelings about the prompt, I think I have to agree that it's not much of a story. It's sort of left me in much the same position as a judge. It's like meta-fictional without the fiction. If only you'd remembered that Leopold Bloom walked all over Dublin with a bar of soap melting in his pocket! Kept waiting for some such coincidental connections to appear about anything but didn't get any if they're there. Kudos for putting it up though. Thanks. 
​
[7]​xXx
“here"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 16

Review: Voice which for me is quite evocative of the whole cyber etc universe. Ends up being a tad confusing though, as much with the abrupt character insertions as the lingo. Had to read it twice --carefully-- to get the gist, that's not such a desirable thing. Once again we have a very elaborate story that winds up being just set-up for dropping in the prompt as a fairly useless, almost supernumerary, conclusion. ​* [/spoiler2]​


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## PiP (Feb 5, 2018)

Congratulations, 





> *-xXx-
> 
> *


 a well written piece and worthy winner! Thank you to our judges - without you guys there would be no LM.


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## bdcharles (Feb 5, 2018)

Excellent work -xXx-, great voice in that entry. Were they driving nanobots?

Thanks as always to host and juges too


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## rcallaci (Feb 5, 2018)

well done xxx- thanks to the judges and farewell to our host--You did an outstanding job you will be missed...

Plur- Lucy sends you a hug and jimmy jam gives you a high five..

P- sorry I bored you but that's the way it goes

warmest
bob


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## Roac (Feb 5, 2018)

Congrats xXx, well done.

And a big thanks to the judges. Even though I came in last, you provided some very positive feedback about my writing.


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## Terry D (Feb 5, 2018)

Congratulations, xXx. Great story. My thanks to the judges as always. Your comments are much appreciated, and spot on.


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## -xXx- (Feb 5, 2018)

many thanks, all around.
host, judges, writers, readers.
special thanks to astroannie for advisement(s).

bd,


there are experiences for which
the best efforts toward careful word selection
remain inadequate.
thank you.


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## ppsage (Feb 5, 2018)

Just in case some people haven't got the memo --and it's been some months (at least) since we last wrangled the bejesus out of the issue here inside the green dragon-- British convention for the punctuating of quoted speech, differs, I'm pretty sure, from the American. Doubtless the lines are blurring somewhat as authors chase the widest market, but I think it still stands, in the main.


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