# Gene: Prologue ~960 words



## Vapour (Jul 29, 2012)

So I am writing a sci-fi titled Gene. The setting is basically post-apocalyptic in the year 2057. Humanity has made incredible breakthroughs in genetic engineering to uncover the secrets of their being. They basically wished to surpass the laws of the Universe and become artificial Gods. However, that all goes wrong and a crazed mutative gene goes out of control, transforming majority of the inhabitants of Earth into grotesque deformities. Humans built a safe haven underground; a large city fortress named Colossus. 

So I was wondering how best to describe this information in the prologue of the story, just to give a background of what happened in the world. Here is the current prologue, but I am thinking of re-writing it to where he is in the graduating ceremony and simply recalls the facts slowly as the ceremony proceeds and finally comes to a close.

*Prologue*
The dimmed ceiling lamp swung back and forth in monotonous tempo. It was insufficient light to illuminate the small bedroom. The damn chair wouldn’t stop creaking as I shuffled around in it, trying to figure out what to write on the blank sheets of paper in front of me. I guess it was best to start with my name. I printed it neatly in the top right corner; the scribbling of the pen echoed in my ears.

_Marcus Jaggs
_
            I paused again. I wasn’t good at this writing stuff, never was. I had thought joining the army would mean that I would get onto the field and blow the crap out of some Abominations. I thought wrong. I was stuck here in this dreaded room, with Edward snoozing beside me. I was desperate to pass the final and get my butt out of boot camp.
“Hey Eddie, wake up man.” I shook him gently, trying not to make him dream of an earthquake or something. He opened his eyes in alarm, flung himself up and smacked his head into the top bunk with a sickening thud. Rubbing his head in pain, he glared at me.
“Augh, what the hell do you want? I was having a good dream.” He snapped at me. Oh man, he was pretty mad, but my whole existence here depended on him.
“Hey uh...you know the final assignment we have to write? The one about the apocalypse...?” My voice trailed off, as if waiting for him to answer my real question.
“I’m not doing it for you; you have a brain, use it. Otherwise, you’ll just be another mindless target for the Abominations.” He slumped back into the pillow and closed his eyes.
“Come on man! You know I’m not good at this studying crap, help me out here!” I pleaded. I can’t take no for an answer, I needed this paper done. Edward didn’t move for a while, but he finally stirred.
“You owe me SO much for this.” He mumbled, and reached into his backpack at the side of the bed. He pulled out a few pieces of paper and handed them to me. It was his entire final assignment.
“Make sure you paraphrase this well. If I fail because of you, you’re not going to be able to walk straight when I’m done with you.” His voice sent chills running down my spine. I shivered at the thought of the consequences. Well, he was my best friend, I’m sure it wouldn’t be too bad, but I didn’t want to risk it. Stating the date, I wrote as quickly as possible.


_May 17, 2057_
_In the year 2053, humanity was undergoing heavy research and development in Genetic Engineering. The planet had become virtually self sustaining at this point in time, and the desire for conquest beyond our world grew more and more. The goal was to create, in essence, artificial Gods out of people. Capable of manipulating energy, humans would surpass the laws of the Universe. E-Tech, the largest Genetic Engineering facility in the world, was undergoing a breakthrough in the field. The ability to modify the genes of a person to be able to shape shift physical states was around the corner. Ted Gummber, one of the head researchers in the project, was instantly swallowed by greed. Killing most of the lab team, he stole the research data and fled to Europe, where he continued the experimentations on his own. America sent dozens of military squads to track him down, but he was nowhere to be found. Reports of disappearances were broadcasted every day, as people were seemingly abducted from their homes to be test subjects in Ted’s gruesome tests. Thorough investigations by authorities finally uncovered his lab, hidden deep within a forest in Russia. They found corpses inside, all of them being the victims stated in the disappearance reports. After that, the camera feed from the squad cut off, and nothing was ever heard from them. That’s when all hell broke loose in the world. A prototype of the gene had managed to replicate itself faster than cancer cells, spreading throughout Russia like a wildfire. It mutated everyone it came in contact with into grotesque deformities of their former selves and they became known as “Abominations”. The gene spread throughout the world, infecting country after country, and began evolving. Advanced forms of the gene kept the mental capabilities of the subject intact, creating intelligent forms of Abominations. The American president had caught onto the transformations occurring throughout the world and put the country into lockdown; militarizing the nation. A plan to create an impenetrable underground fortress city was devised and set into action. While the world fell to the destructive power of the gene, now known as the ‘Havoc Virus’, the Americans fortified themselves in their underground haven. The gene, evolving to the point where it could alter animal genetics, travelled its way to western society by mutating fish and birds. It swept across America without mercy, with no survivors to date. The underground fortress city, Colossus, is now the only place with human life left on the planet. Its goal is to eradicate the virus from the planet and establish a new humanity for us all. 
_
I sighed heavily in relief as I wrote the last word. Hopefully this was enough for the professor. If I pass this final, I will finally graduate as a full time soldier and get to kick some Abomination ass. Rubbing my exhausted wrists, I looked at Edward and thanked him mentally. Yawning, I climbed myself into my bed and closed my eyes. Dreams instantly followed.


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## Quietman (Jul 29, 2012)

I like it so far. It being separated kind of distracts me. I would start with the letter. There will be plenty of time to develop characters later. Good idea though.


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## Vapour (Jul 29, 2012)

Do you think that instead of having it in the form of a letter and just feeding it all to the reader at once, I should attempt the graduation ceremony and feed it in small bits, or would that be too distracting like you just mentioned?


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## Iggy (Jul 29, 2012)

Honestly, the whole thing read as gimmicky and forced.  I understand that you want to inform the reader about what is going on, but this feels very forced.  It's basically an attempt to hide an info dump.  

Personally, I have no problem with prologues.  I think you can still include one.  Perhaps starting with the graduation from bootcamp would be better, and just slip some information in as it comes up.  But a lot of what you're trying to say can be interwoven throughout the book so that it doesnt look like one big info dump.

Other than that the writing seems decent and the story sounds interesting.


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## Vapour (Jul 29, 2012)

This is what I was afraid of doing and I was reluctant writing it this way, so I guess it will feel forced if I forced even myself to do this. Haha.
I will definitely try re-writing it starting from graduation and perhaps just throw a few tidbits here and there while keeping the rest of the information to be uncovered throughout the book, as you suggested.
Thanks for the feedback guys.


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## Segrotlo (Jul 29, 2012)

The premise is good and original.  The paragraph that you started with did a pretty good job of conveying the idea, maybe consider using it.  
Over all it felt a little bland it needs more description.  Marcus' name didn't stick with me.

Also, it can be done but realize Marcus is cheating.  Not an appealing quality for a hero.



> If I pass this final, I will finally graduate as a full time soldier and get to kick some Abomination ass.


This did catch my attention - the use of "final" and then "finally" so close together.  But it is not just the words themselves but the meaning.  To pass the final essentially means you finally graduate, so, it is a redundant thought.

Good idea - just needs work to make it blossom.


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## Vapour (Jul 29, 2012)

Segrotlo said:


> Also, it can be done but realize Marcus is cheating.  Not an appealing quality for a hero.



I had originally intended it to be for character development, but I gave it more thought and I think leaving the finals out would be a better idea. I find it is not necessary in telling the story, to be honest. 



Segrotlo said:


> This did catch my attention - the use of "final" and then "finally" so close together.  But it is not just the words themselves but the meaning.  To pass the final essentially means you finally graduate, so, it is a redundant thought.



Yes, now that I read it more closely, it is quite silly. This is a hard one to catch if you're self editing, thank you for this!


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## bazz cargo (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi Vapour,
 Interesting. Personally I would try to work it into a conversation. Some clever clog explaining to a hick. Also if you are working on something of 3000 words plus you have a lot of space to spoon feed bits rather than chuck it all in at the start.

Genes don't get around by themselves. Maybe they could be spliced into a virus or something. A worry about sneezing could be a good way of introducing the theme.

Try not to get bogged down by nits too early in the creative process. Get what you can down while the fire is hot. You can edit it more effectively when the heat dies down.


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## Vapour (Jul 29, 2012)

It is exactly a virus. It's dubbed the "Havoc Virus". It is incredibly contagious and is transferable by contact with any body fluid (even if it simply touches your skin). Saliva, blood, urine and even tears. Any living organism can be affected and morphed by it. 

This will actually be an entire novel, so you're looking at around 90,000 words. Thank you for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it.


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## courtneyanne9 (Jul 31, 2012)

I liked the idea of the report to introduce the storyline, but maybe don't do it so directly. Something in dialog like, "I hate writing about this. It just reminds me of losing my sister and my father to the virus. Ted is a selfish SOB..." etc. Just an idea. Great premise!


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## D. Ayers Gray (Jul 31, 2012)

I like the idea of dripping the information out during a graduation ceremony. Readers don't need all the info up front. Go ahead and tease a little bit, dropping bits here and there.


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## Vlad_M (Jul 31, 2012)

I think the idea is interesting. Eventually humans may be grown out of bio material to genetic specifications. In my sci-fi novel I write about an alien race from a human's perspective.


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## OC-138 (Aug 2, 2012)

I think the premise of the story is a good one and would really like to read more into it, though i also agree it seems like you are explaining the entire history/storyline to the reader instead of letting it flow naturally. Also this is really nitpicky and just a pet peeve of mine but why does america always have to be the superhero nation? There is enough books, movies, tv shows etc where america is the great and only nation, maybe come up with your own alternate universe earth/planet with its own countries etc. Just a suggestion.

Otherwise not bad


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## Writer (Aug 7, 2012)

its a good idea, but all that information came at me fast. The there was one part in the story where you switched 





> “Come on man! You know I’m not good at this studying crap, help me out here!” I pleaded. I can’t take no for an answer, I needed this paper done. Edward didn’t move for a while, but he finally stirred.


There when you say can't instead of couldn't. you switch from past tense to present tense. 
I think the graduation idea might be a little smoother. 
But it was totally gripping and i like how well developed your idea is and how you have good names associated with everything. I liked it


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## WonderBox (Aug 7, 2012)

Good idea, but why is a soldier writing a paper on the "Abominations" to enter the field of battle? Wouldn't this warfare include more rigorous physical training? It had an interesting background, but maybe the way the virus comes to America should be unique. Birds don't generally fly over the entire Atlantic or Pacific Oceans to reach land. Fish would work, but maybe just leave out the birds. 

I really enjoyed the read!


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## chall (Aug 7, 2012)

Pretty cool idea! I agree with the other's above about not so much info in the beginning. Also just a thought.... What if you just wrote about the war in the present time during the war, then maybe after you could write another book about before the war and how it all started? Just a thought!


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## Wartec (Oct 24, 2012)

Wow. Epic ending. I like the story.
I would think that little or no character details is better.
Though it is my humble opinion. Hope you be sure to balance out the story more.
I speak in terms of expanding key points.


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## InSickHealth (Oct 26, 2012)

OC-138 said:


> Also this is really nitpicky and just a pet peeve of mine but why does america always have to be the superhero nation?



I have to add on to this by saying that placing your story 45 years years in the future (Woah... I would be 73 years old!), there is a lot of freedom to change boarders, countries, systems of governments, etc. During a viral apocalypse, maybe some new form of government or rule would form. circumstances could cause such a small surviving population to ignore the political boundaries that we currently identify with.

I really like the premise. almost like futuristic zombies on steroids


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## don'tmakemeblue (Nov 6, 2012)

I like the premise far more than the writing right now; just in that I'm the kind of reader and writer who prefers information dribbled slowly into the reader's knowledge, rather than a long paragraph of back-story. It feels too forced.
In saying that, a prologue can work for a sci-fi story, but, from my completely subjective point of view, I would like it presented in a far more creative way; the graduation idea, as long as it doesn't feed the information too much.
You say a virulent gene is released, which mutates a large proportion of the population; so maybe you could start off with the diary entries of one of the scientists who helped create it, eg;

Day 34 "Subjects respond well to stimulus. Gene (insert name here) appears to have grafted successfully."
Day 41 "Small proportion of test subjects become violent after a period of no more than (insert number) hours. Not a concern."
Day 58 "Subjects developing tumorous growths; strong violent tendencies seem to have developed in a majority."

And slowly get the reader accustomed to the dystopia you're creating.
Anyway, hope that helps


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## Save.Face. (Dec 2, 2012)

You call it Gene. If it's about a soldier killing mutated humans, perhaps you could edit the title or imply that certain tests were done on most humans for generations and only this lasting human bastion has any resilience to the gene mutation in the first place. Hence the survival. 
  Another thing is the use of abomination. Take an american soldier. Now imagine him saying, "I'm here to kill some abominations!"  You could instead use the warhammer idea of ferreting to them as a whole, the way they do with xenos. The enemy being seen as 'the abomination' would be less of a mouthful and would imply a more fervent hatred of them. Then any slang could be used by troops, the way humans in x-men comic call mutants muties.   I really like the background, and the graduation ceremony leaves an opening for a commander to spit some history and propoganda in a graduation speech, while the main character reflects on how the commander's words apply to his own past.  The premise is a good one.


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## Save.Face. (Dec 2, 2012)

Apologies for the bad grammar, I write from a kindle fire. Autocorrect is a real hassle. Reffering not ferreting. Hahah.


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