# Cast-iron Cough



## Space Cadet

When the poet can't shake his cough,


steps


into the cast-iron bath,


with an ear pressed to the sun


drenching


from beneath her door—




breeze brittle with sand speaks.


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## ned

hello WTC, welcome to the poetical parallel universe...

Yes, a thought-provoking piece with some interesting word choices
yet too sparse and mysterious to have much meaning for me.

for example- ear pressed to the sun might be obvious to you, but this reader needs clearer clues
to make any sense of it all.

and why the gender change?

given the title, the last line might scan better as - breath brittle....

the layout and vocabulary are thoughtful, but more consideration for the reader
would help get the message across.

cheers......Ned


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## sas

Wesley,

As Ned said, it is a difficult read to grasp. But excellent images. The last line seemed an ill fit, even though I don't know exactly what I'm fitting together. And, since you execute images so well, I do not believe the gender change is a misstep. Perhaps that is the message of this poem?


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## Firemajic

Wesley T Cutlip said:


> When the poet can't shake his cough,
> 
> 
> steps
> 
> 
> into the cast-iron bath,
> 
> 
> with an ear pressed to the sun
> 
> 
> drenching
> 
> 
> from beneath her door—
> 
> 
> 
> 
> breeze brittle with sand speaks.





Hello, Wesley, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread 
Although intriguing, your poem left me with more questions than answers... like... is the Poet's cough a metaphor for not being able to express himself.... a cough is irritating, and one can't really speak if one is coughing.... what is being "drenched"... the cough, the ear... hummm.... like sas said, it is hard to fit the pieces together if you have no clue of the picture... anyway, this is certainly intriguing with mysterious, delicate imagery...


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## Space Cadet

Thank you for the welcome, ned.  Thank you for the feedback.  I like the breath brittle instead of breeze brittle. I suppose it's meant to be mysterious and the gender change as sas said is in fact a "misstep".  Maybe the title should be "Writer's Block"  I appreciate your critique.  Let me know if you have questions, comments. Thank you again.  W.



When the poet can't shake his cough,


steps


into the cast-iron bath,


an ear presses with sun


drenching


beneath the door—


and here, 

breath brittle with sand speaks.


----------



## Sebald

Intriguing, Wesley. I think this might be about Shelley. The cough is consumption, the 'she' is his wife, Mary, and the 'drenching' is his death at sea.
Wasn't his funeral held on a beach?
I really liked it.


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## sas

Yes, with meaning this elusive the title mustn't be.


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## sas

Sebald said:


> Intriguing, Wesley. I think this might be about Shelley. The cough is consumption, the 'she' is his wife Mary, and the 'drenched' is his death at sea.
> Wasn't his funeral held on a beach?
> I really liked it.




Wow, the stuff you know, Sebald! I wish you would inject deeper meaning into my poems. Mine are just what they are. Smiles. Sas


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## Space Cadet

Thanks, sas, for reading.  You're right, the gender change is/was a misstep.  It is an image of writing that is difficult to grasp.  I still wrestle with how esoteric and vague the meaning/message may appear to others, but I enjoy the lines as well as the brevity of it.  Forgetting poems can be a good thing.... I appreciate the critique.  Thank you again.  W.

Hi Firemajic.  Thanks for reading and your words.  I'd say you're going down the right road with the meaning of expression being hindered.  The brevity makes it hard to piece together.    Listening with the sun from the other side of the door etc is up to interpretation/meaning, if any.  Who's listening?  If it can be questioned, frustration sets in for the reader -- not exactly my intention.  But frustration finding inspiration or words, or a clean, clear image for the reader plays a part in here.  

Thank you for your comments and see updated one below.  I know it doesn't fill in the pieces much, lol.  Still needs work.  Thank you again for reading and commenting.  W.  You rock if you have suggestions.  


When the poet can't shake his cough,


steps


into the cast-iron bath,


an ear presses with sun


drenching  


from beneath the door—


and here, 


breath brittle with sand speaks.

Nice take on this.  No sure if it was on a beach...Thank you for the comments.  Your take is as good as mine, or more important.  Thank you again.  -- Wesley


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## Firemajic

30 words... each word MUST drive your poem forward, enhance the message, imagery sets the mood... so when you are working with 30 words, each one must reallllly work...


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## Space Cadet

You're right!  Awesome.  Thanks for sharing this fact.  After reading more about Shelley, finding more info on him has given me some inspiration to to add and shape this into something more.  You're the inspiration!! Thank you.  W

"The bodies were buried in the sand where they were found, near Viareggio, to satisfy Italian quarantine regulations.
It seems Shelley’s heart refused to burn, and Trelawney fished it from the ashes and gave it to Hunt. Later, and after a rather unseemly struggle, he surrendered it to Mary, who kept it wrapped in silk in her writing case, until the end of her days."
http://www.historyinanhour.com/2013/07/08/the-death-of-percy-bysshe-shelley/


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## Sebald

Oh, I'm pleased I was of use. It's the English climate / mood I recognised in your poem. Windswept beaches, damp houses, rattling coughs. Some us still look consumptive!


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## -xXx-

thank you for leaving the original intact
and incorporating change through the thread.
looking forward to reading more from you,


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## Space Cadet

Thank you, I will try this!  W


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## Darren White

Wesley T Cutlip said:


> Thank you, I will try this!  W


Hey Wes 
Not going to add to the discussion, just so happy to see you here.
Over and out.


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## sas

Wesley,

Just for consideration, and fiddling around (smiles), maybe this?

[FONT=&quot]
When (the) a poet can't shake (his) a cough,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
steps
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
into (the) a cast-iron bath,
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
an ear presses (with sun)
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
with sun drenching 
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]from beneath the door—
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
and here[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]breath, [FONT=&quot]brittle


with sand, speaks.


Note: 

For myself, if I can, I eliminate the article "the". 

And, I took the gender reference out (his), to encompass more reader identity. Male/female doesn't matter. 

I constructed two lines to have same beginning word: "with"

Breaking up the last line, and creating pauses with commas, strengthens the most important word "speaks".  (at least, to me)

Hope helpful.  Best. sas [/FONT]


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## Space Cadet

sas said:


> Wesley,
> 
> Just for consideration, and fiddling around (smiles), maybe this?
> 
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> When (the) a poet can't shake (his) a cough,[/FONT]
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> steps
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> into (the) a cast-iron bath,
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> an ear presses (with sun)
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> with sun drenching
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&Verdana]from beneath the door—
> [/FONT][FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> and here[/FONT] [FONT=&Verdana]breath, [FONT=&Verdana]brittle
> 
> 
> with sand, speaks.
> 
> 
> Note:
> 
> For myself, if I can, I eliminate the article "the".
> 
> And, I took the gender reference out (his), to encompass more reader identity. Male/female doesn't matter.
> 
> I constructed two lines to have same beginning word: "with"
> 
> Breaking up the last line, and creating pauses with commas, strengthens the most important word "speaks".  (at least, to me)
> 
> Hope helpful.  Best. sas [/FONT]




I like the the omissions of "the".  I also like the idea of breaking up the final line for emphasis on breath and speaks.  But I feel the last line as is rolls nicer and looks nice on the page.  I know that sounds silly, but where it sits at the very bottom ties in with the very first line:  "When a poet can't shake his cough, breath brittle with sand speaks."  I love your suggestions.  Keep them coming.  Always.  I do agree speaks may be the most important word, but I suppose what is heard could be the most important.  




When a poet can't shake his cough,


steps


into a cast-iron bath,


an ear presses with sun


drenching  


from beneath the door—


and here, 


breath brittle with sand speaks.


----------



## sas

Wesley,  Always keep your poem in your voice. It is what I do, too. We all sift suggestions to see if we're still there. Smiles & Best. sas


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## Space Cadet

sas said:


> Wesley,  Always keep your poem in your voice. It is what I do, too. We all sift suggestions to see if we're still there. Smiles & Best. sas



Best to you to sas.  Thank you for all your help and suggestions.  Truly grateful.  -- -Best, Wesley


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## RHPeat

Wesley 

Some interesting images that don't connect too well, concerning what you intend as feelings. First off content and form are one thing as Creeley indicates. So by spacing things so distantly you break up all possible connections within the poem. Form works against content here. Parts of it might need spacing but not the whole poem line by line. That double spacing is a very long caesura, and it works against tying things together  within the poem. The form on the page is messing with content for the most part which makes literacy of the lines difficult for all readers. 

But you say the ear is pressed to the door in your commentary about the poem but in the writing of the poem it isn't at all. The thing connected to the door is drenching. I don't think the participle works in this case. We are not given enough information in the poem.  More to the point: (He's drenched from beneath her door) instead. You need an "and" to compound the intent in the lines, or another form of conjunction that ties "drenching and pressed together in a stronger way if you intend to bring the ear to the door. 

But just note what happens when closing up some of that space, and what it dose for the poem's intent. Pacing the poem into couplets can make quite a difference here. And it causes the thoughts as feelings through the stanzas images to become far more overwhelming to the reader. Tercets will do the same thing, This is why William Carlos Williams used them in his triversen form. They can really empower the message through short blocks of information. He also used grouping of syllable in the same lines, like in his "red wheelbarrow".  

*Cast Iron Cough*

The poet 
can't shake his cough,

steps
into a cast-iron bath,

with an ear pressed 
to the sun

he's drenched
from beneath her door— * by adding "He" to the intent in the lines you form the relationship concerning man and woman. And this is sad for it says he is swept away. The word "sea" might be used in the poem or some other body of water. To make this stronger. It also places the poet as him and she his love. That's what one word can do for a complete poem. Make it or break it. Here I have to say don't be so conservative. Knowing how much to give is very important. Too much or too little and the poem is lost.  

(breath) brittle 
sand speaks.
— this was talked about, possible change. Intent of the poem is about cough. Ned has something there. It makes the closure stronger on the poem by tying it to the opening in the title of cough. The word drench is the actual shift in the poem as climax. I suggest cutting the ing because of that reason alone. It makes the turn far more compelling as a statement. Suggested rewrite without commentary:

*Cast Iron Cough*

The poet 
can't shake his cough,

steps
into a cast-iron bath,

with an ear pressed 
to the sun

he's drenched
from beneath her door— 

breath brittle 
sand speaks.



a poet friend
RH Peat


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## Space Cadet

RHPeat said:


> Wesley
> 
> Some interesting images that don't connect too well, concerning what you intend as feelings. First off content and form are one thing as Creeley indicates. So by spacing things so distantly you break up all possible connections within the poem. Form works against content here. Parts of it might need spacing but not the whole poem line by line. That double spacing is a very long caesura, and it works against tying things together  within the poem. The form on the page is messing with content for the most part which makes literacy of the lines difficult for all readers.
> 
> But you say the ear is pressed to the door in your commentary about the poem but in the writing of the poem it isn't at all. The thing connected to the door is drenching. I don't think the participle works in this case. We are not given enough information in the poem.  More to the point: (He's drenched from beneath her door) instead. You need an "and" to compound the intent in the lines, or another form of conjunction that ties "drenching and pressed together in a stronger way if you intend to bring the ear to the door.
> 
> But just note what happens when closing up some of that space, and what it dose for the poem's intent. Pacing the poem into couplets can make quite a difference here. And it causes the thoughts as feelings through the stanzas images to become far more overwhelming to the reader. Tercets will do the same thing, This is why William Carlos Williams used them in his triversen form. They can really empower the message through short blocks of information. He also used grouping of syllable in the same lines, like in his "red wheelbarrow".
> 
> *Cast Iron Cough*
> 
> The poet
> can't shake his cough,
> 
> steps
> into a cast-iron bath,
> 
> with an ear pressed
> to the sun
> 
> he's drenched
> from beneath her door— * by adding "He" to the intent in the lines you form the relationship concerning man and woman. And this is sad for it says he is swept away. The word "sea" might be used in the poem or some other body of water. To make this stronger. It also places the poet as him and she his love. That's what one word can do for a complete poem. Make it or break it. Here I have to say don't be so conservative. Knowing how much to give is very important. Too much or too little and the poem is lost.
> 
> (breath) brittle
> sand speaks.
> — this was talked about, possible change. Intent of the poem is about cough. Ned has something there. It makes the closure stronger on the poem by tying it to the opening in the title of cough. The word drench is the actual shift in the poem as climax. I suggest cutting the ing because of that reason alone. It makes the turn far more compelling as a statement. Suggested rewrite without commentary:
> 
> *Cast Iron Cough*
> 
> The poet
> can't shake his cough,
> 
> steps
> into a cast-iron bath,
> 
> with an ear pressed
> to the sun
> 
> he's drenched
> from beneath her door—
> 
> breath brittle
> sand speaks.
> 
> 
> 
> a poet friend
> RH Peat





*Cast Iron Cough*

The poet 
can't shake his cough,

steps
into a cast-iron bath,

with his ear pressed 
to the sun

drenched,
from beneath her door— 

breath brittle 
sand speaks.



Thank you so much for your write on this.  I appreciate your critique and hope you don't mind if adopt your rewrite.  I struggle with my original last line:  'breath brittle with sand speaks'.  I suppose I should kill that line, but I just the enjoy the sound it makes.  haha.  Thank you again RH Peat for everything.  You made me look at this completely different...again.  I've always known it was never complete and just let it die, but what isn't complete at times?  I suppose it should keep growing, make it clearer on the page.   Warm Regards,  Wesley C.


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## Sebald

It's a lovely thing, this poem. 

You built so much space into it, conceptually. People have been able to really enter it, and express themselves within that space. Like a blank page? More pleasurable; closer to running onto an empty beach. Air. Light.

Great advice from everyone, especially RH Peat.

Tiny thing I just noticed. I'm now reading 'steps into a cast-iron bath with his ear'.

Might just be me. I am obsessed with the idea that a reader might drop dead halfway through a line.


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## Space Cadet

Sebald said:


> It's a lovely thing, this poem.
> 
> You built so much space into it, conceptually. People have been able to really enter it, and express themselves within that space. Like a blank page? More pleasurable; closer to running onto an empty beach. Air. Light.
> 
> Great advice from everyone, especially RH Peat.
> 
> Tiny thing I just noticed. I'm now reading 'steps into a cast-iron bath with his ear'.
> 
> Might just be me. I am obsessed with the idea that a reader might drop dead halfway through a line.



It's interesting how providing one sentence can really irk or inspire others.  Everyone has has such great ideas.  

What is being said in the poem isn't really important, or the reader isn't suppose to know what/who 'speaks'.  I see the poem with a positive outlook -- I don't think it comes across that way. 

RH Peat had GREAT advice.  I'm going to use it with his permission (per below).  You're right about the the 'steps into a cast-iron bath with his ear' -- sounds wonky.  Thank you for reading again and your advice.  


*Cast Iron Cough

*The poet 
can't shake his cough,

steps
into a cast-iron bath,

with an ear pressed 
to the sun

he's drenched
from beneath her door—

breath 
brittle with sand speaks.


----------



## RHPeat

WESLEY

That's what work-shopping is all about. to show us what we don't see b_ecause we're too close to the poem. An outsider doesn't have that connection so they have to be overwhelmed by wh_at a poem presents. It can fall on it's face and we wouldn't know but put a couple of your contemporary poets on the case and they'll offer some real solutions. The important thing is listen to them all and pick what you want for your poem. I certainly have no use for thoughts on your poem My critique was something given to you. do with it as you wish. We are all here to help one another. Thats what forum workshops are about. The more critical the better. Personally I want to hear it all when I get a critique the good, bad, and the ugly. Then I might have something to work with. I only post works in progress. If it is finished why bother work shopping it? That's a waste of everyone's time. So consider what outside eyes offer as a true gift form one poet to another. That's gratis. 

a poet friend
RH Peat

Wesley

Now you know what a rewrite can do. Sebald is pushing you for intent. 

steps
into a cast-iron bath,

with an ear pressed 
to the sun

I was reading this as a metaphor; that the world was the poet's cast-iron bath, and his ear of the world is pressed  to sun, A good description for a romantic poem. But content/form is one thing as Creeley says. Only you know what your deeper intent is in the line. If needs clarification then you might need and adjective. But watch out for adjective they will also destroy the crispness of an image. So if you use one make sure it supports the complete poem and not just the line. That's good advice when using one. But never underestimate the compact short sentence in a short poem as noun verb noun. It can bring a real clarification to a poem at times. This is the fun part of workshops, it can never stop. so keep a close connection with the core of your poem so you don't lose it. Sometimes tweaking a metaphor like one above can resolve your intent a bit more. Good luck on the adventure. 


a poet friend
RH Peat

Wes

concerning this:

"Thank you so much for your write on this.  I appreciate your critique  and hope you don't mind if adopt your rewrite.  I struggle with my  original last line:  'breath brittle with sand speaks'.  I suppose I  should kill that line, but I just the enjoy the sound it makes.  haha.   Thank you again RH Peat for everything.  You made me look at this  completely different...again.  I've always known it was never complete  and just let it die, but what isn't complete at times?  I suppose it  should keep growing, make it clearer on the page.   Warm Regards,   Wesley C."

When you offer suggestions to another poet concerning their poems always offer your personal reasons for suggesting the changes. This is just being polite. But it also establishes you as the poet internally, in your own right to do so. It makes little difference if the poet finds your suggestions helpful or not. It builds on your internal knowledge about the craft and the language that concerns the sills of writing poetry. So expand your knowledge of the craft and your skills concerning poetry when offering critiques. Your knowledge is yours alone and no one can take it from you, but at the same time never stagnate. Keep growing as a writer, I'm still working at it, there's always something more to learn. At 75 I'm still finding new concepts to play with as a writer and work shopping and offering critiques keep my skills in my conscious mind when I'm writing my own poems.

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## Space Cadet

RHPeat said:


> WESLEY
> 
> The more critical the better. Personally I want to hear it all when I get a critique the good, bad, and the ugly. Then I might have something to work with. I only post works in progress. If it is finished why bother work shopping it? That's a waste of everyone's time. So consider what outside eyes offer as a true gift form one poet to another. That's gratis.
> 
> a poet friend
> RH Peat



Thank you again, RH.  To reference posting works in progress, I prefer to do the same.  One can pick at a poem all their life, especially if they aren't workshopping it.  So, I'm very grateful to get back into critiquing and critiquing work.  I look back at James L. White, for example, and see his 2nd Edited Versions.  What was once a poem entitled, "The Absence of Waltzing", is now crafted with a new title, "Sunday Snow".  I believe this poem was edited many years later.  It's easy to get carried away and "get too close" to words, and it's just as easy to continue to go back and edit, edit, edit.  It's refreshing to get the "good, bad, and the ugly".  



RHPeat said:


> Now you know what a rewrite can do. Sebald is pushing you for intent.
> 
> steps
> into a cast-iron bath,
> 
> with an ear pressed
> to the sun
> 
> I was reading this as a metaphor; that the world was the poet's cast-iron bath, and his ear of the world is pressed  to sun, A good description for a romantic poem. But content/form is one thing as Creeley says. Only you know what your deeper intent is in the line. If needs clarification then you might need and adjective. But watch out for adjective they will also destroy the crispness of an image. So if you use one make sure it supports the complete poem and not just the line. That's good advice when using one. But never underestimate the compact short sentence in a short poem as noun verb noun. It can bring a real clarification to a poem at times. This is the fun part of workshops, it can never stop. so keep a close connection with the core of your poem so you don't lose it. Sometimes tweaking a metaphor like one above can resolve your intent a bit more. Good luck on the adventure.
> 
> a poet friend
> RH Peat



I love Robert Creeley's work (and Black Mountain).  Yes, intent.  Perhaps now it's lurking in there below. I've gotten too close to tell, though.  I believe the intent or principle is that the young poet's breath is his language or words, or poem.    

"Chasing the Bird" by R. Creeley -- "Every night it is a little bit/more difficult, a little/harder. My mind/to me a mangle is."  


RH -- Your advise is priceless, and I'm so grateful.  You've made dissecting this poem and others so much fun for me again.  I'm glad I have the option to learn from a pro.    Best, Wesley C.


(TITLE)

A young poet 
can't shake his cough


or step
from a cast-iron bath,


with an ear pressed 
to the door,


drenched
in sun through keyhole—


her breath, 
brittle with sand speaks.


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