# Submitting an article and need some feedback



## ShootingStar (Feb 16, 2011)

thanks


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## Gumby (Feb 16, 2011)

Wow, this is a very impressive journey you've made. I saw a few misspelled words, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. A few places where you used to, instead of too, a few goto's instead of go to. Things like that are easy.

 I think that maybe you should break it down and make more paragraphs, so it doesn't look like one big solid block of writing. That would make it an easier read, too.

Kudo's to you shootingstar, for the amazing journey and having the courage to tell it honestly without prettying it up.


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## Shirley S. Bracken (Feb 16, 2011)

Hi Shooting Star.  That was a very interesting read.  Apart from some run on sentences and misspelled words, it sounds heart felt and honest.  I didn't get a lot of poor me in it.  You set out to do something and you did it.  There are lots of skinny people with no goals at all.  I also think maybe some paragraphs would help.  It's very difficult to read like it is.  I was also disappointed to not know what happened to your Marine.
  I am so happy for you and glad you found your way.  Do you have a hobby?  Interest in something creative will go a long way to enrich your mind and keep it off of things you don't need to think about.  Maybe it will be writing!  Do some editing and rewriting.  You are on the right track!


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## ShootingStar (Feb 17, 2011)

Thank you for the feedback I will definitely go through and break it up more into paragraphs and fix some spelling and grammar errors. 

And just for the sake of not leaving you hanging... Although the marine did change my life he was a very shallow person and when we met I was just to heartbroken from my last relationship for it to go anywhere. It turns out that was for the best though because after writing this article I sent him an email letting him know how much he helped changed my life and thanking him. His response was that life wasn't going as well for him he's gotten involved in drugs and with his new promotion at work he can afford the habit and that was pretty much it. I would have thought he would have at least taken some pride in having such an impact on someones life but he really is shallow enough that it just didn't even sink in. I was actually kind of upset that the man that had changed my life wasn't the person I thought but sometimes people are put in your life for a reason and maybe I needed the pretty package to really let what he was saying sink in. 

Anyway thanks again I appreciate you both taking the time to read this and give me some feedback.


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## ClosetWriter (Feb 22, 2011)

One of the few things I remember from a writing class I had several years ago was the importance of the first paragraph. It needs to be short and powerful. I think you should have stopped after:

"I have struggled with my weight my entire life but after going through abusive relationships and allowing myself to be lifes victim for a long time at 22 I was 350 pounds and a size 28. I was living with my mother and drowning in my own depression, I felt trapped in my own body."

At that point a person would make up their mind, when reading, if they were hooked or not. I like how descriptive you are; I can feel as I am living it with you.


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## ShootingStar (Feb 24, 2011)

thanks I was struggling with that first paragraph... thanks again


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