# The Red Crystal (working title. Fantasy/Young Adult)



## josh.townley (Apr 14, 2011)

Hi Folks!
This is a very brief look at a small section of my first ever novel. It's still quite rough and needs a bit of fleshing out yet, but I'm just looking to get some initial feedback.
Thanks for reading!

EDIT 1- I've added some more detail, so hopefully it has a better atmosphere to it now. Changed her name from Galinda to Ralinda, which I think I like better. Still yet to decide on a last name for her, though.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue

Ralinda [Something] pulled the heavy tome from the shelf and blew the dust from its yellowed pages. She slowly descended the ladder she had used to reach the top shelf, her old bones creaking with each step. Holding the book in both hands, she shuffled along the walkway, flanked on both sides by tall bookshelves almost vacant of books. What had once been a grand library filled with scholars, students and booklovers, was now deserted, a thick layer of dust covering every surface in the building, including Ralinda herself. Scraps of paper and old, broken books littered the black and white tiled aisles, but Ralinda paid them no mind as she passed. Overhead, the skylights that once filled the library with crisp, white light, were so crusted with dirt and overgrown mosses on the outside that barely a trickle of sunlight was allowed in, giving the inside of the library an ambiance of perpetual twilight. Few people visited the library these days, since most of the popular and valuable books had been moved to the big new library in Ergona when it was built a few decades ago and, naturally, the people had followed them. Most days Ralinda walked the aisles alone, doing her best to maintain the remaining books, and absorbing as much of their knowledge as she was able to. 

With a heave, she thumped the large volume onto the table. She shuffled through the papers on the table, eventually locating her wand. It was white like her hair, and had grown gnarled and bent with age, much like her own fingers. A tiny flick of her wrist, and the candles on the table sputtered to life. Long shadows danced across the cracked tiles and up the faded wood panelled walls. The cover of the book was dark, cracked leather with simple embossing around its borders, and in the centre the black outline of a crow in flight. She tapped lightly with her wand on the clasp that held shut the pages of the book, and it immediately sprung open. The pages flipped of their own accord, coming to rest on a blank page in the middle of the book. Ralinda sighed deeply. She dreaded what was to come, but there was no other choice. She had been feeling a disturbance in the air, and lately it had grown to the point that she could no longer ignore it. She had to know what was coming, and only the power of the book could show her. She drew the symbol of the crow on the blank page with her wand, and instantly felt the drowsiness wash over her. 

A few seconds later the world around her was disappearing, like the reflection in a pond disturbed by a falling stone. The bookcases and walls melted away, and suddenly she was standing in a field of flowers. The sky was a deep orange, touched with sepia that faded to white in her periphery. The flowers beneath her feet had a similar wash of colour, and leaned gently from side to side in a silent dance conducted by a wind Ralinda could not feel. The air was thick and heavy, like being underwater, and the muted silence added to the sensation. She suddenly realised that she was no longer alone, as figures materialised around her. Slow moving, featureless figures. Each of them held a wand above their head, pointed to the sky, but their blank faces were angled toward the ground, they wandered aimlessly as if in a trance. As she watched the figures, she gradually became aware that the once bright light had begun to dim, and a red glow had appeared in the distance in front of her. The fear began to grow inside her as she watched a dark shape pulling itself from the ground. The shape writhed and collapsed in on itself, like some sort of deformed animal stuck in tar, but it continued to struggle, growing ever larger. 

Slowly the figure took the shape of a man, with two glowing red eyes. Its body was black liquid, bubbling and oozing over itself, down its arms, falling in long strings from its fingers. The people around her continued to wander aimlessly, bumping into one another, oblivious to the dark figure. She opened her mouth to cry out, to warn them, but her words could not escape her throat. She could only watch on in horror as the wands of the people began to crumble in their hands. As the people lowered their arms and stared at their hands, they too began to crumble. Fingers fell to the ground and shattered to pieces. Whole arms broke off as they tried to reach out for help. Ralinda pressed her bony hand to her mouth as the figures turned to her and with silent screams, began to disintegrate. Eventually nothing remained but piles of dust that were soon taken by the growing wind. The world began to shake, and Ralinda had trouble focusing her gaze on any one thing. The dark figure had continued to grow in size, and now occupied almost her entire field of vision. Its gaze, she knew, had fallen to her and she felt the burning stare of those red eyes. She felt the weight of hopelessness pressing down on her, draining her will. Just when she was about to collapse and surrender to the darkness, she became aware of three figures standing in front of her. Three small figures, their wands raised, standing defiantly in the path of the growing shadow. They had their backs to her and she could make out little more than their silhouettes against the shadow. The shadow howled at them, and the force of its anger brought Ralinda to her knees, but the three figures remained steadfast. The last thing Ralinda saw before her world was engulfed in darkness was the shadow descending on the three brave figures.

Ralinda awoke with a gasp, and gripped the edge of the table to steady herself. Her brow was drenched in sweat, and her breathing haggard. The candles around her had burned down to waxy stumps, and their flames were now beginning to dwindle. She hurriedly closed the book and sealed the clasp with her wand, then shoved it with all her remaining strength. The book slid off the the edge of the table, taking a stack of papers with it, and fell heavily to the floor. Then she buried her face in her hands, and wept.


----------



## Ajay (Apr 14, 2011)

Its really good but you could be a bit more descriptive about your surroundings. I read through the whole thing and I couldn't really get a feel for my surroundings. You could use a few more objectives like:



> _There were millions upon millions of books in the vast alcoves of the library. Books of every shape, size, color and subject. There wasn’t a book in the world that probably wasn’t in the library. It was like a reader’s dream come true. Although Amanda had come there with a purpose in mind, she couldn’t help but admire the expanse of the complex and the sheer amount of knowledge it must contain within it. The building itself was a gigantic white marble structure that seemed to stretch on endlessly. It was over five stories high and was easily the largest building Amanda had ever seen. Not that she had seen much in the first place, but it seemed to dominate the horizon._



Something like that, although not exactly (using that in my current book =P)

But apart from that it was a captivating read and I can't wait for more

Cheers =)


----------



## josh.townley (Apr 14, 2011)

Thanks Ajay. I think because I have all the surroundings and characters so clear in my head, I sometimes forget that I haven't put all of it on paper yet. I'll have to take another look through my chapters and try to flesh it out a bit.
Cheers!


----------



## Razzazzika (Apr 18, 2011)

Yeah... that's about the same advice I can give. You have the 'action' description down, just not the 'environment' description.

All i got from it was 'library with shelves tall enough that you need a ladder' -> field of flowers


----------



## Bruce Wayne (Jul 5, 2011)

I have to agree with the two other posts. I couldn't quite get a feel for the environment, but other than that I felt it was an intriguing peice.


----------



## Lavender (Jul 5, 2011)

This was interesting...the lack of paragraphs bugged me because it made the story harder to read but the content was good. One of my favourite lines was this -

_eventually locating her wand. It was white like her hair, and had grown gnarled and bent with age, much like her own fingers.

_And I agree with the other posters, more descrption of the surroundings would make it much better


----------



## ProcrastinationStation (Jul 5, 2011)

I enjoyed it though the use of Galinda made me think it was based in the land of Oz, most likely due to the Wicked books, If that is your intention then it's fine, otherwise I would maybe consider a name change. 
This kinda cast a shadow over the rest of the story and naturally, my mind assumed that the dark shape was the Wizard (I know this wouldn't match up with names) 
However, my bias' on that mark are not really your fault, but I really would consider a name change because of the popularity of the books and the musical. 

Other than that it was enjoyable and it made me want to know more. As the others said a bit of description of the surroundings would help improve the piece. Also, why would they move the books from one library to a new one without pulling down the old one? are books a rare commodity in this world? If they are mentioning that would help clarify why they took her books, but left the library open with the few that were left.


----------



## theorphan (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry but I kind of agree with procrastination station.  I was really distracted by that name too.  But other than that what I took form the story when not distracted was quite good.  I would suggest rereading your story twice with a highlighter.    Its what I have done in the past when writing short stories and what I plan to do when I finish my novel.


----------



## josh.townley (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.
ProcrastinationStation, I haven't actually read any of the Wizard of Oz or Wicked books, so that's purely coincidence (I don't think I've seen the original movie all the way through, either). I actually know someone called Galinda, although the character isn't based on her in the slightest. I just liked the name. I will consider changing her name, though, if it's likely to cause confusion.


----------



## jim rose (Sep 20, 2011)

Chapter 2 - The First Reading
Description is generally great but the style not sophisticated at this point. 
The last clause of this:{She opened her mouth to cry out, to warn them, but her words could not escape her throat} read poorly for me. 
The plot is great. 
The characterization is good.
The setting is great.
The paragraph is too long for me to enjoy much as a reader.

Thanks


----------



## thejackle123 (Sep 23, 2011)

I think it is a good introduction to the plot and would like to read more when its finnished. I do, however, agree with some of the first comments that the descriptions of the envrionment could be fleshed out more, espestially the field of flowers.


----------



## Sunny (Oct 6, 2011)

I read this once before and couldn't really add anything new to what had already been said. I obviously liked it enough that I came back to re-read it, and thought I should write that much at least. I like your descriptions, it's very easy to see and feel what is going on. I can tell that you have put a lot of hard work into this; it shows! It kind of reminded me of a movie I loved as a kid "The never ending story". Not the actual plot, but falling into the story when opening the book. 

Great job, I definitely want to read more!


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 6, 2011)

Thanks so much, Sunny. It has been a lot of hard work so far, and it's daunting to think that I'm not even half way to the finished product yet. But it is very encouraging to hear that I'm not the only that enjoys it. Thanks again.


----------



## Sunny (Oct 6, 2011)

Well be encouraged Josh, it's really good and you're obviously a good writer! As for adding in the surrounding descriptions later, that will be easy peasy! Sometimes it's better to plow through and get your story down, and then go back and do your re-writing and editing! How long have you been working on it? I feel like I'm yelling at you with all of my exclamation marks! lol.


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 6, 2011)

I've been working on it for about 8 months, although there were a few weeks near the beginning where I was working on some drawing and design work that ate into my writing time. I think I'm about half-way through story at just over 35,000 words now. I'm currently editing the first half, rewriting a couple of chapters, and working out the details in my plan for the second half. I've been a lot stricter lately with making sure I do something each day; writing for an hour before work, editing my draft over lunch, and usually more writing in the evening. Sometimes I wish for just a couple of free days to lock myself away and do nothing but write, but even the weekends are so busy these days.
I think if I ever make it to the next book I will try to start with a much clearer plan, and write the first draft all in one go, as you say.


----------



## Sunny (Oct 6, 2011)

I wish I had some strict rules for myself. I’ve been waiting for this week of vacation time for so long, just so I could get a good chunk of writing done. Of course I’ve caught a cold from my sister’s kids and feel miserable at the moment. I don’t feel like doing much of anything, let alone being creative. It’s the way it goes sometimes, I guess. C'est la vie*.*

It’s funny; it only took me 2 months to write my first book. It did, however, take me 5 months to re-write and edit it. My next book has been very different. I’ve gotten into the habit of editing as I go from my first novel, and it’s slowing me down tremendously. I’ve only got 3 pages done in the past two weeks. It’s deplorable! I keep rewording everything, trying to make it sound better. *hangs my head in shame* lol


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 6, 2011)

Well, Hemingway was said to only write 500 words per day, so if the quality is good, I'd still call it making progress.


----------



## Sunny (Oct 6, 2011)

You're right. Anything is better than nothing.


----------



## slayerofangels (Oct 7, 2011)

I'll agree about getting the draft written all in one go. The hardest  part of any story is that pesky bit between the beginning and the end,  and once you have that down the rest is just polish and elbow grease. On  the subject of a last name (or a first name if that ever troubles you)  you could always try a random name generator ala seventhsanctum or  similar just to get ideas. Paragraphs - Length isn't really an issue,  but don't be afraid to break them up now and then if it feels right.


----------



## FrederickS (Oct 8, 2011)

josh.townley said:


> Hi Folks!
> This is a very brief look at a small section of my first ever novel. It's still quite rough and needs a bit of fleshing out yet, but I'm just looking to get some initial feedback.
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> ...



Interesting start. I think this has strong potential, depending on plot and character development. Stay with it.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 8, 2011)

I felt it was vivid enough to feel I was with the character.  I also found it unnerving when her world dissapeared and the figures started to emerge through the blackness.  One problem I had with it was reading the last paragraph.  Where you say she woke up.  Do you intend her to have dreamt the preceding paragraphs?  This would be a dissapointment for me.   I would feel like I have wasted my time reading about the characters dream.   

But i thik it was written well, and you created the scene nicely.


----------



## Seehawkrun (Oct 11, 2011)

I like what you have here. I'd have to echo the sentiments of a few others and say that the paragraphs are way too long. Break it up into more easily digestible chunks, so that it reads easier. I like the detail, so you must have done a good job editing. Other thoughts: sounds pretty dark for a young adult book! Deformed animals, screams and horrifying crumbling limbs. Dang.


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 11, 2011)

Robdemanc said:


> I felt it was vivid enough to feel I was with the character.  I also found it unnerving when her world dissapeared and the figures started to emerge through the blackness.  One problem I had with it was reading the last paragraph.  Where you say she woke up.  Do you intend her to have dreamt the preceding paragraphs?  This would be a dissapointment for me.   I would feel like I have wasted my time reading about the characters dream.
> 
> But i thik it was written well, and you created the scene nicely.


Thanks Robdemanc. I hope it doesn't disappoint you to learn that is was more of a vision than a dream. She uses the book to glimpse some of the unknowns in the present and the future, although it's often very abstract and symbolic. The reader probably won't understand all the significance of the vision on first reading, but hopefully they will think back to it and understand how it relates to the story as it unfolds. I was hoping merely to hint at the impending danger to their world by an unknown power. Thanks for reading.



> I like what you have here. I'd have to echo the sentiments of a few others and say that the paragraphs are way too long. Break it up into more easily digestible chunks, so that it reads easier. I like the detail, so you must have done a good job editing. Other thoughts: sounds pretty dark for a young adult book! Deformed animals, screams and horrifying crumbling limbs. Dang.


Thanks Seehawkrun. Paragraphs are something that I'm not in the habit of thinking about while I write, and I know it's something I need to focus more on in the future. I hope it isn't too dark for young adults. It's a bit hard to know where to draw the line. After this, the story is a bit lighter for a while, but the second half of the book is also quite dark. I don't think it's overly violent, though, so hopefully I'm not going to scar anyone for life.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 12, 2011)

josh.townley said:


> Thanks Robdemanc. I hope it doesn't disappoint you to learn that is was more of a vision than a dream. She uses the book to glimpse some of the unknowns in the present and the future, although it's often very abstract and symbolic. The reader probably won't understand all the significance of the vision on first reading, but hopefully they will think back to it and understand how it relates to the story as it unfolds. I was hoping merely to hint at the impending danger to their world by an unknown power. Thanks for reading.
> .



Ah a vision.  Not dissapointing at all.  So the book helps her to foresee, I like it.    Maybe make that more obvious and remove the "awoke.." bit


----------



## Higurro (Oct 12, 2011)

Hi, I really like this; it's imaginative and has a good pace to it. The only thing I'd flag up really is something that I think has been mentioned before, which is the descriptive element. It's not so much the library but the setting of the vision that I have trouble imagining. I know you've got the picture in your head, but the effect I was getting from the actual writing was slightly unclear. I was expecting the vision to feel more frightening than it did, given the action, but the imagery robs it of that final menace somewhat. Still, it's something that can be easily fixed, and I enjoyed this section very much.


----------



## Robdemanc (Oct 12, 2011)

Somebody says it was too dark for a young adult book.   I don't think it is.  I read a book for 10 year olds recently and it was very dark, with horrible descriptions of deaths etc.   Also I think the description of the vision was fine, I have a vivid imaginiation and appreciate lack of description.   My only issue was that I thought it was a dream, so please make it clearer that its a vision rather than a dream....
I suppose you will edit again.
BTW - I am writing a character who has a vision too. But nothing like yours, in mine its more of an halucination and has nothing to do with spells and magic.  But it made me interested to hear it is a vision and not a dream in your passage.


----------



## josh.townley (Oct 12, 2011)

Higurro said:


> Hi, I really like this; it's imaginative and has a good pace to it. The only thing I'd flag up really is something that I think has been mentioned before, which is the descriptive element. It's not so much the library but the setting of the vision that I have trouble imagining. I know you've got the picture in your head, but the effect I was getting from the actual writing was slightly unclear. I was expecting the vision to feel more frightening than it did, given the action, but the imagery robs it of that final menace somewhat. Still, it's something that can be easily fixed, and I enjoyed this section very much.


Thanks, Higurro. I'm gradually getting better at putting descriptions in. I know I'm going to have to go through the whole thing once I'm done and look at that side of it really critically. Feedback like this is really helping me with the parts I'm writing at the moment, though, so I really appreciate it.


----------



## Reavyn (Oct 12, 2011)

Well, I didn't get to read the first version before all the detail. I really like the descriptions you've chosen. Honestly, I've done the same thing you did where I knew what the surroundings looked like so I always forgot to write it down thinking that the readers would see it how I did. I also have to agree that the name change was a good idea. I found this to be a really good read!


----------



## outoftheblue (Nov 9, 2011)

I really enjoyed this scene. I always like when libraries are used, for some reason they add such a mystique and great atmosphere to a book. I think you have great instincts about changing the name of the character, because I do like the name Ralinda more so than Galinda. I did pick up one sentence though, for your consideration, of course:

'With a heave, she thumped the large volume onto the table. She shuffled through the papers on the table, eventually locating her wand.'

Just a couple of things: rather than 'onto the table', I'd just leave it as 'on the table'. It still makes sense and it flows better.

Second part of the sentence, you've mentioned 'table' again. Now, I don't know whether the papers and the book are separate things, so therefore you're alluding to that papers on the table. But I'd suggest maybe cutting the second 'table', and leave it as 'She shuffled through the papers and eventually located her wand'. 

So, all in all, it would read like this:

'With a heave, she thumped the large volume on the table. She shuffled through the papers and eventually located her wand.'

Of course, totally up to you. Just thought I'd make the suggestion. Very minor thing though, overall I enjoyed it


----------



## Jeko (Nov 10, 2011)

Wow. I've finally found someone who writes like me. I mean, your style and mine are pretty close. 

The progression is good; I like the imagery, and the mystery of your concepts. I always like magic to be one of two things; either explain it fully, or don't explain it at all. I use the former in my writing, and I almost make it scientific. The way you presented it -



> A tiny flick of her wrist, and the candles on the table sputtered to life.



Nothing, which is great, because I suffer from overwriting. Thank you for not trying to elaborate on it; I feel that the first mention of magic should be basic and abrupt

Your narrative has a similar sense that I get from my own writing, so I could only advise about it onan experimental basis - I'm still trying to get my writing to flow more, which is one quality I really think this extract could benefit from. This changes are slow and steady, but the pace can vary. 


Also, you really need a good hook. I wasn't grabbed by the beginning - it was half-way through that my mind really began to fall in love with this. Your first sentence: 'Ralinda pulled the heavy tome from the shelf and blew the dust from its yellowed pages.' Descriptive, informative, and a bit vivid, but there isn't anything there to excite the imagination. You don't have to be snappy about it, but I would begin by describing something else, before Ralinda. not much; the reader always wants to see characters. Bu before she takes the book, maybe you could describe something else. You mentioned a sense of 'perpetual twilight'; I love that phrase. Slap it on the beginning, or something else. You just really need to have something audacious, or mysterious, or so calm that it begs the reader to discover a juxtaposition!


Despite these little niggles, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and would love to read more. I find that good antasy is a rare stone, and that great fantasy is beyond human value alone. The Red Crystal is certainly a rare stone; make it priceless.


----------



## josh.townley (Nov 10, 2011)

outoftheblue said:


> I really enjoyed this scene. I always like when libraries are used, for some reason they add such a mystique and great atmosphere to a book. I think you have great instincts about changing the name of the character, because I do like the name Ralinda more so than Galinda. I did pick up one sentence though, for your consideration, of course:
> 
> 'With a heave, she thumped the large volume onto the table. She shuffled through the papers on the table, eventually locating her wand.'
> 
> ...


Thanks, outoftheblue. I agree that the sentence flows better the way you put it. I'll make that change now.

And Cadence, I thought the same thing about your writing 
I feel the same way about adding an element of science to the magic. I've studied chemistry at uni for the last eight years, so I'm programmed to think that way. The magic system is explained a bit later on, and it's very scientific the way spells are learned and used. Conservation of energy and all that. I've also put a lot of thought into the physics and biology of my world, so although some of the creatures and phenomenon are unusual, there's always a evolutionary or physical explanation behind it (although I don't always write about it because that would probably bore people).

I have thought about having a grabbier opening, since it does start out a bit generic. I didn't want to do it with an action scene since I don't think that works terribly well in Fantasy. Maybe, like you say, I just need a really well constructed, descriptive sentence to kick things off.

Oh, and if you'd like to read more, I have some of Chapter 1 posted in the Writer's Workshop under the name 'The Scroll of Life', I believe. It is a little bit outdated now, but I'm still quite happy with it.


----------



## seyelint (Nov 10, 2011)

****I have commented on the original post, so if there were edits on the posts later, these will not pertain to them.*****


There are a few things I liked about this piece, and a few things I believe weaken this opening. The description could be tighter, stronger words, less of them. 

One thing, before I forget to mention.

I believe using 'awoke/wakes/woke' remember this lessens the magic. Initially I believed she had transported, via magic, to that meadow, but when she came back to the library, you used 'awoke' and so I was lead it had been a dream. This takes away the magic, the need of a wand or tome. Or so it seemed. I could be the only one who mentioned this, so feel free to ignore.

In ways you describe what you describe well. You rely a bit on a few common words, if you look for them you'll see. This is the time, when editing, to over-power/change a few of those common words with other words meaning the same, or stronger words. If you use, for example 'dusty' too many times -  ie the dusty rose, the dusty windows, the dusty fork, the dusty room - after a while the dusty isn't as dusty, its sometimes not even seen by the reader. I have the same problem with 'would' and have a world full of nano pages probably overfilled with 'would'. Again, if you disagree, please feel free to ignore. I am one pair of eyes which see from my society's upbringing and experience, and I'm part crazy too. 

As others have mentioned, broaden your vision around the mc, show it from from her perspective, how it effects her. There was one line  . . .



> With a heave, she thumped the large volume onto the table. She shuffled  through the papers on the table, eventually locating her wand. It was  white like her hair, and had grown gnarled and bent with age, much like  her own fingers. A tiny flick of her wrist, and the candles on the table  sputtered to life.



I'd keep it a tome (it was mentioned only once by that name, and tome seems older than volume, seems more ancient, wise.

but

She shuffled through some papers to find her wand. It, like her hair, was snow white, and they had gnarled together over the years. With a flick the candles sputter (to life)  

I don't think  you need 'to life' because you then turn a show to a tell in a way. I am not against tell, but if show can do it better, I'm for it. There are times when you need to tell something, a writer should then just go out and say it, but other times showing brings the reader to the mc for a moment longer. Empathy is important.

****

Now, all of the above, are my thoughts. There is nothing in the world saying it is the only way, or I am right. I'm just another comment. 

I enjoyed the read, you mentioned it is in rough copy, well done for writing as is. 

S


----------



## QDOS (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi Josh
  First time I’ve taken a look at you work.  I enjoyed the opening it gives a vivid insight to an impending catastrophic event and leaves the reader wanting to know more. Like who are the three brave figures. 

  :read:
  [FONT=&Verdana]There’s been some useful comments already made about differentiating between dream or magical incantation. 
[/FONT]Your last paragraph may I suggest:   

  Ralinda awoke from the trance with a gasp, and gripped the edge of the table to steady herself.

  QDOS


----------



## seyelint (Nov 11, 2011)

I think it is the 'awoke' that takes the magic away. If she found her self 'back' in the room, then I can have  a sense of the journey, that she actually travelled. And if she didn't I think she should, because it makes her magic and wand more powerful. That she even travels back or to another place is fine because magic is used. 

Now if she gave some indication that she was meditating first, then awaking is great, but I believe the magical way is a stronger image.


----------



## jvars2 (Nov 20, 2011)

I agree with seyelint and the others above; "awakened" isn't (to me) a strong enough image of the deep magic that I had thought had been invoked here. 

Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "Suddenly, she felt the chair beneath her. The table steadied itself under her hands and she felt the library wrap around her once again." 

I don't know, but I feel like the way that she left the room should mirror the way she came back. 

For the other parts, I agree that shorter paragraphs would be easier on the reader, but I really enjoyed reading your story. 
I am very curious to know who the three figures are and how they were able to handle this creature. Good job!


----------



## Cody (Nov 25, 2011)

I reread this 3 times. I do not like the place holder that you use for the last name of your main,because I found it distracting while trying to experience your opening. I like the fantasy setting. I love magic and must and libraries and all that jazz.

When I was reading about the library it seemed like it should be a condemned building since it had dirt all over the windows and books scattered all over the floor. That's dangerous,because someone could trip.

My experience with libraries is that they don't generally move all the of the relevant books to a new building, because that would get expensive. Instead they weed out of date or books that are not checked out often by throwing them away or tossing them in a cardboard box with $1.00 written on the front. Libraries must work differently in your world. I can't wait to read more and find out why.


----------

