# neighbours



## escorial (Apr 6, 2015)

she cut her wrist with her fathers razor
he hung himself in the room of his birth
they died the way they wanted to

although they never knew each other
they had something in common
a smiling expression in the mortuary

the newspaper reported on two deaths
who lived in the same street
one young teenager and a pensioner


----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 6, 2015)

I like the way the people remain people after their death, sharing the satisfaction of achieving it and staying human in 'Two deaths who ...' rather than 'that'

There is a slight issue here:-


> they died the way they both wanted to


 I think 'they both died the way they  wanted to' is what you mean, the way you phrase it implies they both died the same way.

The other thing was this 





> they both had something in common


 They couldn't only one of them have something in common, on the other hand it gives the line the right sort of length and it is neat the way it repeats in the same place in the next verse, perhaps you can rephrase the end of the line to make it contribute something more.


----------



## escorial (Apr 6, 2015)

thanks Olly...it was going to be called both and i wanted it in every stanza....thanks for input man..appreciated


----------



## Olly Buckle (Apr 6, 2015)

I don't see why not, this works quite well:-

'she cut her wrist with her fathers razor
they both died the way they wanted to
he hung himself in the room of his birth'

Though I think calling it 'both' goes a bit far. Putting the line in the middle of the two deaths like that emphasises 'they both' and makes it more obvious in the next two verses


----------



## escorial (Apr 6, 2015)

thanks Olly...i do like your input...i think your grasp of the english language is better than mine...thanks dude


----------



## Nellie (Apr 6, 2015)

Either way.... the point is made. Sad and morbid.


----------



## escorial (Apr 6, 2015)

sad and morbid is very apt Nellie..thanks


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 7, 2015)

I believe that life IS stranger than fiction... certainly much more intriguing. As Nellie said.. "morbid" and tragic... Thanks escorial.  Peace always... jul


----------



## JustRob (Apr 7, 2015)

I feel that there's something else to say there, but I'm not sure that I can identify it. Perhaps it's something about them both reaching the same point in their lives by very different routes as is presently implied by their age difference. Maybe this could be mentioned in a stanza prior to the revelation in the final one, but I'm no judge of these things really. It's just that niggling feeling ...


----------



## escorial (Apr 9, 2015)

Firemajic..IS....your so right

JustRob..I'm deffo heading for longer poems..cheers man


----------



## inkwellness (Apr 9, 2015)

I like the commonalities (both are suicides, both smiling, both reported in newspaper, and lived on same street). I also enjoy the differences/contrasts between the two (different ways of committing suicide, big difference in age, and never knew each other). I also noticed that each stanza gives a contrast followed by a commonality. Very cool.


----------



## escorial (Apr 9, 2015)

thanks inkwellness....you dissect with clarity dude


----------



## aj47 (Apr 9, 2015)

Olly's suggestions are good, and similar to my thoughts.  "both" is redundant as it is about two people.  

I smiled myself to think they were smiling after death...not because death is light-hearted or happy, but because they were satisfied and you captured that.  It's like they share a secret.  

Thank you for posting this.


----------



## escorial (Apr 13, 2015)

thanks astroannie..seems odd deleting the word both when it was the starting point for this piece.


----------

