# Someday



## Nellie (Jun 20, 2015)

Ever been to a place where
no one seemed to care?
With  dark skin or skin so fair
you are welcome to share.

Now it seems that anywhere
you go, you need to beware,
racial wounds still fill the air
despite those evening prayers.

This abyss is everywhere
it is said we shall prepare,
one must speak up, do I dare?
For this is a national affair.

This is my land, so nowhere
but America, can one "bear
arms" to protect, not to scare,
so really, is it all fair?

Someday, somewhere, who knows where
humanity will not despair,
with candor, this racial snare
shall become a social affair.


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## Thaumiel (Jun 20, 2015)

Nice piece. I wasn't sure about the last stanza. I like the effect you've gone for with 'Someday, somewhere, who knows where' but I'd be tempted to remove the 'somewhere' or restructure the stanza to a different form from the others. That's just down to personal preference though.


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## Sonata (Jun 20, 2015)

'Someday, somewhere, who knows where' - as James said you could remove the 'somewhere' - alternatively you could leave out 'who knows where' as 'somewhere' would mean the same, ie nobody knows where.  

I like it very much though.


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## Nellie (Jun 20, 2015)

Thanks, James for reading my poem and making a suggestion. I did have a tough time with the last stanza, so I think omitting "somewhere" would sound better.


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## Nellie (Jun 20, 2015)

Sonata said:


> 'Someday, somewhere, who knows where' - as James said you could remove the 'somewhere' - alternatively you could leave out 'who knows where' as 'somewhere' would mean the same, ie nobody knows where.
> 
> I like it very much though.



Thanks for reading and commenting on my poem. 

I like your suggestion on the first line of the last stanza. 

"Someday, nobody knows where". It keeps the 7 syllables.


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## musichal (Jun 20, 2015)

Nellie said:


> This is my land, so nowhere
> but America, can one "bear
> arms" to protect, not to scare,
> so really, is it all fair?
> ...



I like your poem and its message, but I do think the final two stanzas could use a bit of work.  Not a lot.

I think you might reword the 'my land ' stanza to put bear and arms on the same line (eg, arms we bear) though in doing so it may be a good idea to move it to the third line rather than the second, with 'scare' in the second.  More importantly, however:

Other than what has already been suggested for the final stanza, I think "shall become a social affair" just misses the mark as race already is such.  The better idea would be that it become a moot affair, though I would not use that word unless I really couldn't think of a better way to express the concept.  Whatever else you might consider changing, this means the most, in my opinion.

Okay, my name is musichal and I'm a nitpicker (hi, musichal; shut up, musichal)  Great job!


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## Firemajic (Jun 21, 2015)

I love this message Nellie... I can't see there ever being that kind of harmony though. Human nature, for some dark reason..  seems inclined toward conflict...You always send a strong message in your elegant poetry... Lovely work, and a poet's pleasure to read... Peace always...jul


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## Nellie (Jun 21, 2015)

musichal said:


> I think you might reword the 'my land ' stanza to put bear and arms on the same line (eg, arms we bear) though in doing so it may be a good idea to move it to the third line rather than the second, with 'scare' in the second.  More importantly, however:
> 
> Other than what has already been suggested for the final stanza, I think "shall become a social affair" just misses the mark as race already is such.  The better idea would be that it become a moot affair, though I would not use that word unless I really couldn't think of a better way to express the concept.  Whatever else you might consider changing, this means the most, in my opinion.
> 
> Okay, my name is musichal and I'm a nitpicker (hi, musichal; shut up, musichal)  Great job!



Okay, Mr. Nitpicker (you did change your name, didn't you?  ). Thanks for your comments, I do think I could re-word the "my land" and "bear arms" into the same line. But I don't like how "arms we bear" sounds. It doesn't go with the rest of the poem, IMO.

And other than what has already been suggested for the last stanza, I think I will leave it as it is. The word "moot" (I know you said you wouldn't use that word, so what would _you_ use?) suggests a debate, and that is what I want to avoid. I want a "social affair"--- a society where, as that little song goes; "red and yellow, black and white, jesus loves the children of the world."


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## Nellie (Jun 21, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> I love this message Nellie... I can't see there ever being that kind of harmony though. Human nature, for some dark reason..  seems inclined toward conflict...You always send a strong message in your elegant poetry... Lovely work, and a poet's pleasure to read... Peace always...jul



Probably not, but can we dream about it, like Dr. Martin Luther King did? Thanks for commenting.


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## musichal (Jun 21, 2015)

Nellie said:


> Okay, Mr. Nitpicker (you did change your name, didn't you?  ). Thanks for your comments, I do think I could re-word the "my land" and "bear arms" into the same line. But I don't like how "arms we bear" sounds. It doesn't go with the rest of the poem, IMO.
> 
> And other than what has already been suggested for the last stanza, I think I will leave it as it is. The word "moot" *(I know you said you wouldn't use that word, so what would you use?)* suggests a debate, and that is what I want to avoid. I want a "social affair"--- a society where, as that little song goes; "red and yellow, black and white, jesus loves the children of the world."



Since you asked, I might consider:

Someday, somewhere, who knows where
 humanity will not despair,
 with candor, this racial snare
 shall disappear into thin air.


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