# December 2017 - LM - He's Too Young for Me - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jan 1, 2018)

SueC
ppsagekilroy214totals_The Boys _by
 Pluralized
18171918Godofwine18171717.3AstroAnnie17171817.3MacDub17161617.3Roac16151615.6Ned15161615.6Birb17131515ArrowInThe
BowOfOurLord15151515_Time_ by Itachi
14121413.3




Happy New Year everyone, what a way to mark the coming of a new time then with who won our beloved LM. We had quite a month, so Lets get down to it!

In First Place, we have *The Boys * by *Pluralized*
In Second, we have a tie! *Sailor Blues * by *Godofwine* and *Chicken* by *AstroAnnie
*and in Third, *How a Christmas Tradition Began * by *MacDub*

Congrats to all and thank you to our judges! See you all for January's competition. An now the scores.

[spoiler2=SueC's Scores] *(1) Too Soon
Birb
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 17
Review: The emotion in this piece is wonderful. It's short, but by the end you are right there with the MC, feeling what must be devastation. You packed a lot into this, Birb. A brother, sickly, the many times he needed her (?), and then the near final scene, only to be put on hold once again. No matter how we prepare, we are never ready to say goodbye. I really liked giving "relief" a nod; very authentic. I did take some points for SP&G. There were some punctuation missing, but overall the impact was as you hoped, I'm sure. Good job!

(2) The Rain, The Moon and Forever and Ever
ArrowInTheBowOfThe Lord
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15
Review: I admit I didn't really understand this story. I was trying to figure out time and place and I saw two women, one with an umbrella, which she apparently didn't share with her companion walking right beside her. I understood most of the conversation but at times it was confusing over who was speaking. When they are talking about "Chris," and the first woman recalls him saying he didn't think they'd ever get to the moon, and then says "he really was there, so long ago." I know you were limited on the words, but there seems to be enough info missing that it makes it confusing. Formatting looked okay. I think this is a nice start to something interesting. Good job.

(3) The Audition
Roac
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16
Review: This was pretty good; creepy and consistent. The guys remained bad, giving no quarter, and their behavior was purposeful. I think it might have been more realistic (of course I have no experience!) if the kid had a responsibility, other than just following along to observe the killing. Things in the back room got a little confusing. The bookkeeper moves his hand under the table and next thing he is plastered against the wall. Who did that? When they first entered the room, where was the bodyguard? Was he the "burly man" sitting on the couch? I noticed when they all got out of the car, you indicated everyone had a shotgun. Did the kid have one too? Did he shoot the bookkeeper? You began well, the tension and excitement were all there, but once they got into the back room, it became a little scattered. I think if you fine-tuned that scene a little bit, you would have an interesting piece of work. Good job!

(4) Karma
ned
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15
Review: I understand what you are saying, and liked the final bit where you inserted the prompt. However, some of the ideas expressed along the way were elusive. For example, you begin with a short paragraph about the MC's attraction to an older man. Then, in describing their interactions, I saw nothing to back up that initial paragraph. You are telling us what she thought, but not showing any actions (i.e. touching his hand or looking overlong into his eyes). At least on the man's part there was no flirting, no touching, nothing to reveal an interest in his instructor. He was bumbling, uncomfortable, awkward and "fidgety." His comment about being divorced seemed so innocuous that I found her thinking it was "fishing" a little surprising. It did indicate her interest, however, but other than that you didn't show anything about how she was feeling. I think it would be more effective with a little more back and forth that was compelling in some way, flirtatious. Other than that, a little attention to being able to see your characters would be helpful. Nice job.

(5) Sailor Blues
GodofWine
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18
Review: Wow. This is making a statement, isn't it? There are so many messages in this piece, and some of them not so black and white. You did well in the few words allowed. You gave us a good description of your MC; her accomplishments and goals, and then bam! You create a situation where she is honor-bound to "tell the truth" of an incident involving a Naval good old boy and a female ensign. Her career then hits the skids. But then! You turn the tables to show that women, and not just men, are capable of indiscretions, of acting badly, of using others. There were a few inconsistencies in word usage, and I think it is better to spell out words, rather than use initials, but I know the word count was an issue. I thought it was well told and extremely timely. Good job!

(6) Chicken
AstroAnnie
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17
Review: I really liked this. Loved the visuals, especially in the beginning. I would suggest a little shyness at first for the little boy, but other than that his character seemed very genuine and compelling. It was exactly as we would hope such a situation unfolds. If you did not make him so open to begin with, it might have given you the opportunity to show more character in both the volunteer and the child. Maybe she has figure out way to win him over because he is so much younger than she thought he would be. For his part, he is meeting someone new and kids that age take great comfort in their routines, in familiarity. Instead of asking the librarian if the "lady" was going to teach him to read, maybe that's how the adult should introduce him to the volunteer. Does that make sense? Otherwise, very sweet, well written. Good job.

(7) How a Christmas Tradition Began
MacDub
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17
Review: This was very nice; well written and compelling. I felt a little disconnect, however. Trying to pinpoint, I think you may have missed an opportunity when you told your readers how John felt by describing him swallowing hard, instead of showing how keenly he felt the loss. You did well with John's memory in the beginning, so it could have been possible to put in one about his brother-in-law too. He said to Steven, "no more Christmas, no more birthdays, no more camping at the lake." Why is that? And through all the telling about the insistent invitations for Christmas, no mention of his sister losing her husband. I do understand your goal here and I believe there is the potential for some really awesome moments between uncle and his young nephew. And was the spot they wound up in, the one that was his favorite? This is such a nice little story, really liked it. Good job!

cool: Time
Anonymous (1)
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 14
Review: This was difficult because of all the SP&G, but I don't really know that the author is at fault. I have heard many comments about the system not being able to recognize spacing, etc., so I'm not sure. It was distracting enough, however, and made understanding a little more challenging. All in all, I did like this. I am such a fan of unexpected voices and I think with a little tightening, it could be a wonderful piece. There is a transition that takes place, but it is a little rough. The stage was set in the opening paragraph, so we knew the voice came from a male. Then we are in the head of the woman in the bed as she is in her failing condition, and by the end we are in the dreams of the little boy, sitting vigil, but still told in the voice of the being who entered the room at the beginning. This might be better written in third person, so it is more logical that the thoughts and dreams of the other two are available. Good job, and I hope you continue working on this.

(3) The Boys
Anonymous (2)
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18
Review: Well, this certainly was an interesting piece, possibly influenced by today's headlines. The only issue I saw was the transition in time and place. As written, it all looked like it was happening at the same moment. The opening paragraph puts us in a bar for an "emergency campaign planning session," with no conclusion, and next we know, the MC is tending bar and hearing more about headlines of him and boys. Then we are on the outskirts of town, where another mayoral candidate is shown as actually being the one who is a predator of children. I would suggest more separation in time, or at least transition, than you provided. You might consider in some way concluding the planning session and Troy going back to his job serving drinks. A couple of hours later, Barrett comes in with the latest newspaper. And then maybe finding Carl Pitkin later that night and the assault happened the next day, not the same day as the newspaper came out. It just seems very rushed. This piece is disturbing, but I think you did a good job writing it.* [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=PPSage's Scores] [1]*SueC
“Becoming Shrew"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall: (judge)

Review: Kinda brilliant take on the prompt. The set up is effective but really pedestrian. If the names of people and garments are authentic then that's over my head for most of them. One thing that draws this down is how self-referential the narrator always is. This becomes sort of condescending to the reader, implying he's not competent to remember the POV even for half a sentence. Modulation of narrative distance in so brief and close a POV is a matter of occasionally getting the narrative filter out of the way, putting the reader behind the eye instead of inside the head. In the end a very successful entry with a clear path to becoming spectacular. 

[2]Birb
“Too Soon"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall:13

Review: Getting to having Death quote the prompt amidst extreme pathos seems a good starting point for an entry this month. This is a promising story but there are just too many SPaG and voice issues. The formatting, I think, needs a thorough revision. Some of the spacing issues might be the kind induced by the posting process and overlooked in the final read-through, but in general the paragraphing here obscures the prose. Significant and dramatic quotations which might better stand alone, are buried. Another piece where the narrator is obsessively and annoyingly self-referential. One subtle metaphor is worth a half-dozen I see, I think, I feel filter tags. 

[3]ArrowBow
“The Rain etc"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15

Review: There's an old sf plum about the characters nonchalant-ing their way into the setting--Campbell maybe. Not something that easily accomplished in the tiny LM format, but this entry gets the job done fairly painlessly. The 'other woman' (these characters might benefit from better identifiers) does not make enough of a case for thinking Chris young, and the premise suffers therefrom. Then it turns out the first one really knows the secret, even though she's speculated along with the other just before. I feel like the reader-promises made here don't quite add up. Couple punctuation nits and an almost singsong dialogue/action construction. Overall a good presentation that just needs to try being more straightforward about revealing who's who and what's what.

[4]Poac
“The Audition"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15

Review: Another pretty neat idea for a prompt-as-quote entry. The incident sequence makes sense and tells the story--keeps its promises. Also it fits the form, no left overs or rushes. The text itself, however is timid to the point of drowsiness. The set-up is self-referential telling and doesn't generate much identification. I was myself hoping this over-spoken wanna-be-thug would be the one shot. Confectionery, devoid, impenetrable? Strange word choices for the kid. It's sort of like the piece is trying to escape into third-person; which might be an idea for a somewhat longer version.

[5]ned
“Karma"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

Review: A couple serious SPaG issues -- the one in the last paragraph is a real buzz killer, don't want to confuse the reader two sentences before you leash the bombshell. This is a great piece of writing that tries to give itself purpose with a three-sentence, summary, conclusion. It succeeds in being first person without being all about the narrator; it uses details to lead the reader to characterization rather that announcing what to believe. The ending needs to be spread into the text, carefully, like folding some meringue into the batter. And it needs better reviewing in the posting dialogue.

[6]godofwine
“Sailor Blues"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17

Review: I didn't think this story was going to fit, as I read the opening which seemed like it bit off a lot to chew. It also seemed really talky and telly and summary, but the pace and the level of detail and reader involvement smoothly narrowed and focused into a conclusion which fits the story perfectly. The sexy feels a bit too cliche for the rest -- or vice versa. The whole piece is just a little wishy-washy in search of its exact tone: maybe something to hone in on.

[7]MacDub
“Xmas etc"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 16

Review: Another story which fits the form with a solid incident sequence. I like how integral the setting is here. I don't feel like the protagonist's character really gels, even though there's lots of opportunity to make a few of the numerous details in the setup telling. That's a small nit. There's a serious tense mismatch right in the first paragraph. There's lots of places where passive state of being is tortuously inserted where a simple active sentence would be so much more effective. The sentimental result for this story is a little too predictable to get by without sharpening up the characters and presentation.

[8]anon
“Time"
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 12

Review: This is one of those stories which feels like the author didn't quite remember how clueless the reader will be going in. I ended up trying to figure out what was going on instead of absorbing the experience, if that makes any sense. Be interesting to see how it would work if the opening was more straightforward. For my twitchy old lights, this was almost unreadable. It suffers horribly from posting induced format errors. (Remember, the advanced editing box is available for PMs too. That's where one fixes these problems.) I'm not as adamantly opposed to comma splices as some are, but maybe some of these need to go? And some of the fragments are just mistakes, instead of variations.

[9]anon
“The Boys"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

Review: Well laid out story without nits and with a certain effort at characterizing with voice and syntax. Shows some chops. It's a little confusing because I didn't see that Troy was the barkeep until the end, and I read through Carl's section without realizing the scene break. The dialogue-quote-followed-by-drinking-action trope got repetitious without apparent purpose. The story seemed to exude an underlying resentment which wasn't thoroughly enough integrated for my taste. 

[10]astroannie
“Chicken"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

Review: Really deft use of dialogue, and a first-person POV which isn't obsessively filtered by the narrator. Nice job. The story itself is sticky sweet and a bit small and not much to my taste in terms of either purpose or interest, but it's definitely well presented. I hate to even say the word (c-o-n-f-l-i-c-t), but a touch more of it pointedly introduced would probably perk things up. 
* [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=kilroy214's scores] apologies, my scores are not as a thorough as they usually are, or how I like them to be, but holidays were hell, so I hope you all understand.

SueC
Total: JE

I think this was an incredible take on the prompt and tells a complete and compelling story. The only thing that I felt held it back was it the narrative often refers back to itself in a way that feels like the story is afraid the reader is going to forget what is going on.


Birb
Total: 15

This story was feels like a lot of thought was put into it, and the ending is very meaningful and carries an impact. There were just too many SPaG and formatting issues that got very distracting during the read.


ArrowInTheBowOfOurLord
Total: 15

Was glad to see someone mixing it up with the genre, and the beginning of this story carried promise. It was overall good, but there were a few punctuation issues and by the end it felt like it had gotten a bit too convoluted for its own good.


Roac
Total: 16

Structure and story idea was solid, I thought it was a very creative take on the prompt, however I kept waiting for the story to kind of get up and go, and it never did. There were a couple odd word choices, but other than that, writing looked pretty neat and clean.


ned
Total: 16

This was one of the better demonstrations of writing in the 1st person. I am usually not a fan, but it was executed well. The story is well tailored for the reader in that we are shown the story, not told, which can get a little hairy in 1st person narratives. A couple of SPaG issues hurt the score, along with the 'summed up' ending.


GodofWine
Total: 17

Written pretty solid. I have to say I was not expecting to see the character who's been knocked to the ground at the beginning get kicked at the end. Especially when we don't know what happened to Admiral Gropey for his actions and the results of her testimony.
Tricking somebody into raping a minor (statutory or no) seems like an extreme revenge move for getting pinged on grabbing the ass of a subordinate, especially if he's a Good Ole Boy in a Good Ole Boy Club, what could have possibly happened to him? I can't believe that's a dischargeable offense.
There were a few instances that I felt a lot of information, especially in the beginning if kind of dumped on the reader, but by the second half it finds its pace and goes along fine.


AstroAnnie
Total: 18

Dialogue is on point in this story, it makes this story. Everything is pretty sound as far as SPaG goes, and it was a enjoyable little scene to watch unfold. I think if a little more was going on int the story it would have really popped.


MacDub
Total: 16

A little predictable, but an overall solid tale. There was a weird tense shift in the beginning, and a couple instances that aren't really written in active voice, but there is decent story going on here and it had me hooked, which is what you should shoot for every time.

Time by Itachi
Total: 14

This story kind felt all over the place, and had a lot going on in it that wasn't just the story. There is a definitely some spacing/formatting issues going on as well as other SPaG issues. 


The Boys by Pluralized
Total: 19

This was a really gripping piece full of animated, well defined characters, and nothing exudes drama like rooting for a character that has been wrongfully accused of something so heinous, even if he does get ripped to pieces in the end. The only nitpick I had is that the scene breaks could have a been a little more pronounced. As they are, it was a little jarring to go from one location to another an then back. [/spoiler2]


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## aj47 (Jan 1, 2018)

Thank you judges and congrats Plu.


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## Pluralized (Jan 1, 2018)

Thank you WF, for existing, and to the LM for being the best and most fun competition ever! 

I have been here a long time and have come close a few times, but this is the first time I've ever lucked out on top. Super thrilled to win one. Thanks to all the judges and to K-Rizzle for keeping it all between the lines.


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## godofwine (Jan 2, 2018)

Congrats to *Pluralized *for his first win. I remember the feeling - the grind as you enter story after story and end up pulling a Maxwell Smart (Missed it by...this much). When you finally get the win and break the schneid, that feeling is utterly amazing. And the smile...it lasts for a couple days at least because by the time you get it it is well earned. 

Congrats to AstroAnnie & MacDub and thanks to all of the other entrants. These contests are great practice. Happy New year, folks


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## ned (Jan 2, 2018)

well done Plural - a singular success - and thank you to the judges for your hard work,


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## Jon M (Jan 2, 2018)

Congrats Plur. Far overdue.


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## Terry D (Jan 2, 2018)

Good job Plu!


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## Roac (Jan 2, 2018)

Congrats Pluralized! Well deserved!

Thanks to all the judges. Your comments are invaluable.


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## Birb (Jan 3, 2018)

Thank you judges and Nice job Pluralized!

Sorry for my Sp&G errors judges...I need to work on that...


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