# Message from H.M. The Queen – Notice of Revocation of US Independence.



## The Backward OX (Apr 25, 2011)

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore to not be able to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left-hand side of the road. At the same time, you will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that it all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies) 

Edit . . . I think that should read “like a bunch of pansies”


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. _Although, since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your __borders, your error is understandable._ You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first, to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!





PS: Let’s hope all the good people at WritingForums.com have a sense of humour
(NOT humor)! ​


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## Dudester (Apr 25, 2011)

I have a better idea. The Queen can have the former colonies back. The rest of the US will be run from Austin Texas.


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## Eluixa (Apr 26, 2011)

What's wrong with mugs at tea time?


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## Dudester (Apr 26, 2011)

Eluixa said:


> What's wrong with mugs at tea time?



mugs of hot chocolate and snickerdoodles. Don't forget the snickerdoodles.




			
				OX said:
			
		

> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.



Does this mean we'll have bad dental hygiene too ? And struggle with "The Rain in Spain falls mainly on the Plain ?"


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## Bilston Blue (Apr 26, 2011)

A little harsh I thought, Ox. You could allow them to use conversion tables for the metric measurements. Otherwise, splendid stuff. 

Oh, and don't forget scones and clotted cream at tea-time, and none of that squirty stuff in a can, proper clotted cream from Devon.


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## Custard (Apr 26, 2011)

That was really good it made me laugh a lot  , but I kept wondering what the queen would do to the sub continenet.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Apr 26, 2011)

And I here I thought at the beginning this was for real. X\'D


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## Olly Buckle (Apr 26, 2011)

"Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections."

Should read.

"Her Majestey's Prime Minister ...."

Otherwise it all seems perfectly reasonable to me.


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## The Backward OX (Apr 26, 2011)

TheFuhrer02 said:


> And I here I thought at the beginning this war for real. X\'D


You should have been here when _The Holocaust Never Happened_ was posted.


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## garza (Apr 26, 2011)

Well played, sir, well played.


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## JosephB (Apr 26, 2011)

I have a sense of humor. Let me know when it's required.


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## KangTheMad (Apr 26, 2011)

This seems strikingly similar to the John Cleese letter to the Americas.


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## JosephB (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, it was circulated as a letter from John Cleese -- but he didn't write it either. And it's kind of an insult to him, really. I'm sure he could have done  better than make a list of lame clichés.


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## ppsage (Apr 26, 2011)

Thaughnk Goud! Have you any noution how hard it is to be a boumb-throuwing anarchizt, in a natzion without rouyality?


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