# Aug 2018 Liuterary Maneuvers - "Woman From The Void / Last Day On Earth" - scores



## bdcharles (Sep 8, 2018)

Ah, the scores, the scores. Where would we be without knowing just how we stack up in our writing? We'd be stumbling through endless night, that's where. So with that foremost in mind, and given that in my view this was a pretty solid brace of entries, here are August's ones. 


*Ned *says:

Exodus
velo


SPaG 5/5
Tone and voice 4/5
Effect 5/10
Total 14


An enjoyable story. That starts with science-fiction and ends in the spiritual. Well written for the most part, with solid, natural dialogue and a clear direction in the narrative. The prompts were incorporated well enough.


The opening paragraph is a bit jumbled. It is important to get this right, to draw the reader in.
You set the scene, which is fine - but we have quiet, which for some reason makes it hard to think - and also a cacophony, which is felt?


Personally, I'm not a fan of magic tricks to resolve a story - but I understand we are dealing with fantasy here. The scream at the end is a bit melodramatic.


Some missing commas here and there - 'It's so quiet now, it's hard to think.' - but generally the SPaG was good.

Thank you for an entertaining entry and an original take on the prompts.




Eclipse
Dormouse


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 2/5
Effect 3/10


Total 10


Science fiction, fabulous. We have spaceships and aliens - but it doesn't really hang together.
Needing more clearer narration to drive it forward.


We have the present in the past tense - and then the past in the present tense - rather unintuitive.


The descriptions seem incomplete, causing confusion - 'the on board (onboard) computer scanned the ship' - what ship?
Then we jump straight into a conversation - where are we? - set it up with a brief description.
The regent sat in his cabin planning strategy for a meeting with his commanders. Saves all that detail being explained in the drawn out dialogue.


The story is dialogue driven, but too often, came across as unnatural - 'they are dead. they're all dead' - who?
“My son will be on Mars by now he left last night.” - give it realism and drama - “My son left the ship last night. He'll be on Mars by now!”


The idea for the story is good, War of the Worlds from the Martian POV, and a nice twist on the prompt. Thank you for your entry.




6th August 2318 AD/350 AA
Jonthom


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 4/5
Overall effect 4/10
Total 13


The prompts lend themselves well to science-fiction. And here we have a dystopia, well wrought with good dialogue and narration, all contained within the 'interview room'. (interrogation room would put it better)


A couple of things seemed odd - she gave her name as simply 'Kate', strangely, the inspector seemed happy with that. An opportunity wasted to underline her misplacement, with no records, ID etc...
The inspector used a gauntlet on her - a bit medieval for 2318, where quantum devices abound, it could be more creative.


Unfortunately, the story doesn't really go anywhere - and fizzles out into the unknown without resolution or twist.


Thank you for an engaging entry, with good imagination on the details regarding the culture of a possible future.




The Sounds of Silence
SueC


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 4/5
Effect 4/10
Total 13


A well written conversational story. Cod-philosophy on the craft of self-subsistence - giving a portent of the coming apocalypse. With nice, natural dialogue that intrigued me as to where it was going.


I would suggest, briefly describing the students rather than needlessly naming them, for a bit of colour.


Unfortunately, we have a rather idealised ending, through revelation rather than plot - where the professor is the only one aware of the impending catastrophe (yes, it's a window thing) and the students remain calm enough to stay and sing a song. Too hollywood?


The character of the professor underpinned this story, and I enjoyed his company. Thank you for your entry.




The Hunt
M.Cull


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 4/5
Overall Effect 4/10
Total 13


Good writing, and terrific characterisation - but I had trouble keeping up with the plot.


I couldn't grasp the connection between the datamind and the motives of the MC.
Why did the MC bring the stolen datamind? Who grabbed him? Why was he taken to the moon?


I enjoyed the character of the siren - put across with colourful description. And the writing was punchy, with room for humour. Thank you for your entry.




The Records
DeClarke


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 4/5
Overall Effect 5/10
Total 14


A narration driven story, that took care to set the scene, and what followed.


But there was only one real event, and so the writing was rather ponderous and over-stretched at times.
"if she could make it there without trouble it would bring an undue amount of peace upon her" - is one example of not trusting the reader to grasp the point.


And the big event itself - the falling, the touching - is not expressed clearly enough. Backtracking and repetition confusing the moment. I feel this piece could have done with another scene leading up to the fall - in a cafe with her friend etc, all quite normal. And have the main event as sudden and unexpected - and more succinct.


The idea of knowing a person's secrets by touch is not a new one (Unbreakable?), so a further twist was required, I feel.


"....the most dreadful and abhorrent acts known to man." you are telling it here, despite the following lines showing it.


I really like the writing style, verbose yet thoughtful, but it needs to be channeled into driving the plot. Thank you for your entry.




The Last Day on Earth
NotMe


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 3/5
Overall Effect 3/10
Total 11


Good imagination here, we have romance in the face of annihilation.
And a charming innocence comes through, of relationships, grades etc and family. Of course, written from a teenage girl's POV - but there were no surprising insights here. (except boobs grew in?)


While the world is crumbling, the MC is reading books and playing scrabble with the parents. All rather restrained and ordinary.
'Every word seemed to spell death' is a nice touch.


For me, the ending is a bit flat and indefinite - 'believe' or 'believe in'?


I reckon this story could work without the apocalypse, but you incorporated it well. Thank you for your entry.




To Grandma
godofwine


Spag 5/5
Tone and Voice 5/5
Overall Effect 3/10
Total 13


A well written story, with some abstract ideas put across without missing a beat.


The descriptions of Bertha and her situation were detailed and seemed spot-on. But lacked any real insight for me. We all know the symptoms of old age, and that in dreams you are likely to be lucid and free. There was nothing too personal or surprising here. Other than the mirror at the start of each dream, which came across as a bit idealized.


I liked the ending, poignant, yet understated. Bertha being a grandmother, I thought it strange that she did not 'pass over' with her partner or lover. A reference to her relationship with him, in her memories or dreams, would have added interest and rounded her character, perhaps.


Your care in the writing of Bertha's dilemna came across as heartfelt and moving. Thank you for your entry




*I* then say:



"Exodus"
velo
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 17/20
I really liked this atmospheric futureshock piece. The contrast between the protagonist's mounting panic and the lady's perpetual calm really escalate the drama. Just a couple of very minor things to aid with readability: Long, nondescript brown tresses cascade over a white and green dress." - the assonance in "ess" consires to take me out of the story. Not a huge amount, but a bit. Also, think about whether you need each filter word. Eg: "I notice that the silence is filled with layers of sound:"  - you could remove the "I notice that", lose nothing, and gain perspective and in-head POV. But good. Probably the only improvements you could make are those special touches that make a thing unique.

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"Eclipse"
Dormouse
SPAG: 3.5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 15.5/20

Pretty good premise, the War of the Worlds scenario from an accessible invaders' perspective, and with the mounting tension of extinction looming, before crashing in with certainty. I also thought the way you applied the LDOE promot to Mars was clever. 

However You do have a slight tendency towards sentence splicing and fragments, eg:

The on board computer scanned the ship looking for life signs. Exactly as it had been doing every night for the last week.[<- why is this a separate sentence?] However this night it could detect none. As the program specified it waited a standard Earth hour and ran the scan again, [comma splice/run on] still no life signs showing.

I undertsand you are looking to have voice and personality, but at that point the perspective is very Omni 3rd, so why? Similarly this:

The Regent says turning on Lieutenant Dodar [... should have a comma or conjunction here ...] trying to not show his panic.

I liked this little bit: "It is not like we are little green men or anything."

mother ship, pre arranged  - these should be one words or joined with a hyphen

also watch your dialogue tagging: 
“Are the scrubbers not working? What is being done? When you are not here spreading doom and gloom you are working on a cure.Yes?” [missing dialogue tag, "yelled X", "Y said"] grabbing the Doctor's jacket and screaming in his face. There is also alot of dialogue at the beginninbg od th main biut which can render it a bit talking headsy, though in this instance the general plot overrode that.

But I liked it. It had the desired impact.

Incidentally this piece, by my MS Word count, was 605 words. You had 25 more spaces to play with!

===

"Untitled / 6th August 2318 AD/350 AA"
Jonthom
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 18/20

A good locked-room sci-fi entry, with a bloody gladiatorial fate in store for those who unwittingly cross the timeline. No big technical writing issues that I could see, so I feel like I am in pretty competent hands here. 

One thing - there is the occasional spot where you could trim word count:
The Inspector opened the door to the interview room. The room [<- replace with "it" maybe?] was tiny, just enough space for a table and two chairs. One was empty; the other was occupied by a woman who looked like she would rather be anywhere else.

With this:
She was in her late twenties, shoulder length blonde hair. Her clothes were strange, archaic, like the attire he had seen in records of the earliest days of the Institute.

Also, describing things with "was" and "were" can make things seem a bit static. You can have Kate interact with the things you describe to show her mood as well as the scenery. Eg:

... a woman who looked like she would rather be anywhere else, late twenties, fiddling nervously with her shoulder length blonde hair. Her clothes were strange, archaic, like the attire he had seen in records of the earliest days of the Institute.

Yep. Not too much more I can fault with this. It is quite dialogue heavy, but being a closed room story, it would be. Maybe use some more probs to convey mood next time, just as an exercise. As with the others, the only improvement really would be to try and get some weird and wonderful voice in there. Then let me know how you do it 

===

"The Sounds of Silence"
SueC
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 3.5/5
Effect: 6.5/10
Total: 15/20
A neat, philosophical entry. I like the foil provided by Rodney Hall, pushing for progress and making the general counterargument. However the end left me a little pfft. I wanted there to be more visible, or even implicit, destruction in the skies beyond. Perhaps show, or hint at, some coming threat. You could use the opener for this; "It was the day the skies boiled, but there was only quiet in the classroom when the professor entered.", and then just refer back to the calamity at key moments. Really make us hurt at the fact that this classroom and everything in it will not survive. Top marks for the S&G inclusion though. Don't know if you have heard the version of that song by a band called Disturbed. I sometimes think that S&G should be left by and large untouched but even for people for whom this type of band is not their thing, the cover is worth a listen. Heard it on BBC Radio 2 (aka "Radio Quite Nice") of all places.

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"The Hunt"
M. Cull
SPAG: 4.5/5
Tone and Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 17/20

I like the Siren. She's a much underexamined mythological type and also she's just too cool here. And structurewise this is a pretty tight flash piece. But the end let me a little flat. I was all set to have the siren subject Rylan to some weird Black Mirror style torment, but I was left feeling a little unsure what happened. I wasn't freaked out enough. Does she throw him up to the moon or maroon him there or something?

You do like an adverb. Adverbs are not the enemy but they can be a bit of a fallback, a shortcut to even better writing imo. But generally this was not a bad piece. You had a really good setup. I think you depict Flynn enough, imply enough about him, without going over who he is too much. He's there, a shadowy figure who I suppose is living on borrowed time now.

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"The Records"
DeClarke
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 6.5/10
Total: 16/20

This is a great, weird tale. You definitely have a unique voice. I would advise you to try and really identify it, and pin it down. You mostly manage that but there are parts where you don't quite get it down; eg:

"which had been dangling in the most frantic way."

The voice is there, but it must work with the right word choices for you. Dangling is kind of the opposite to frantic so pick what you want to write, and let your voice have its way. Don't rely too much on random, disconnected things, or overwriting. Keep focus and you will have a story and a style that really pops.

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"The Last Day On Earth"
NotMe
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Total: 19/20

Some great phrases here that really depict the story: "After my mother swallowed a crying jag with three mimosas", well, actually I could go on quite alot about this here. What I mean is you have the knack of making few words do loads of work very stylishly. The spectre of onrushing doom is offset by the workaday, almost cutesy, images of pancakes, summer love, homework and so on. What could be bad about that? An asteroid smashing it all away, that's what. This really had a great emotional impact on me. Oh, and I love the way you don't spell out the disaster. I just invented that asteroid. But your words made me invent it.

This - "Every word played seemed to spell Death" is awesome. Using props to underpin mood, and done so lyrically. Brilliant. Nice touch with the date by the way. Hopefully things turn out the way you want.  I would just suggest to maybe skim out a couple more words; eg:

preferring us to meet our ends huddled [remove "together" maybe?]in our family room

I would also have liked to see you do something more with the title. 


===

"To Grandma"
godofwine
SPAG: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 17/20

I love a story that details the end - of life, of time. You capture all that really well here. The power of the dreams that come for longer until one day, she's full in the dream, she's gone. 

I would say just be sure not to overwrite; you have a lot of names here - Shirley, Walter, Sarah, someone else, and you repeat their relationship ID's: brother Walter, sister Sarah. If the writing's solid, you won't need to do that.





Or, to put it another way:



NedbdcharlesTotal"Exodus" - velo141715.5"Eclipse" - Dormouse1015.512.75"6th August 2318 AD/350 AA" - Jonthom131815.5"The Sounds of Silence" - SueC131514"The Hunt" - M.Cull131715"The Records" - DeClarke141615"The Last Day on Earth" - NotMe111915"To Grandma" - godofwine131715


We have a tie! I'm not going to diddle about with tie breakers - you're both winners! I am of course talking about:

*velo *&& *Jonthom***​
In third place, and stopping them from sliding too far, we have:

umm ... we have about 4 people:


*M.Cull, DeClarke, NotMe, godofwine*
:icon_cheesygrin:​

Now _that_'s what I call a close game. Barely a whisker to separate any of the full eight - what a finish!


Another one done, so let me thank you all so much for your entries and time, and thanks to the other judges (we did lose one along the way though; it happens), and hopefully see you on the other comp thread  Bye for now.


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## velo (Sep 8, 2018)

Thanks guys, my first podium placing.    Congrats to all, photo finish for the whole peloton!


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## SueC (Sep 8, 2018)

Congrats to all the winners! Super, duper job.


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## H.Brown (Sep 11, 2018)

Congrats to both Jonotham and Velo for winning. Also congrats and well done to all who entered and took part.


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