# Israelite



## Ethan (Sep 22, 2014)

Words like vomit fill my mouth
and I spew them out
My gorge rises and bile spews forth
spattering the Canaanite, marking his shame
Bloody eyed my vision unfocussed
I declare the promise against the bewildered Philistine

My  hatred is disgorged amongst the heathen
and my spleen vented against the goy
forgive them Father they know not what they do
as Absalom, I am snared in the limbs of destiny
whose arrows pierce my breast
and I am undone

My Fathers word is law
and the law is just
and I must dwell for now in the given land
A servant of no man
yet Master of none.
So shall it ever be


‘Til he come


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## wainscottbl (Sep 22, 2014)

> Words like vomit fill my mouth
> and I spew them out



I like the first line but I think "spit" sounds better than "spew" which seems phonetically awkward do me. Besides "spit" alludes to the Bible verse:



> So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.


 Rev. 3:16 KJV

Now the English translation of the Vulgate, the Douay translates the word as vomit, but I prefer the King James in this case. It's better in your poem. Besides vomit won't fit. Actually I think it's also a matter of metre. "Spew" is stressed while "spit" is an iamb. Since I is stressed it follows them out. I know its a less powerful word directly speaking, but on a deeper level it adds an allusion to the King James verse, which is of course the standard for English literature. Some versions may say "spew" or "vomit", like the Douay, but I say use "spit" for the sake of metre and depth of allusion. 

Otherwise I rather like the poem. I think the poem is more allegorical about something in your life than something in the Bible--you simply use the Biblical images to express that. You do it in a skilled way. Your skill at the allusions is powerful. I will say it reminds of a Donne poem in a negative way. Maybe it is just me but I find it hard to read the poem phonetically. Donne is like that, but the beauty of his expression excuses that. The metre is problematic in some places so you have to ask yourself do you want to sacrifice the beauty of what you have so well expressed to perfect metre?


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## Hemian (Sep 23, 2014)

I agree with wainscottbl in many ways. As the thoughts you wrote form more of a theme than a biblical series of events it seems more a grouping of allusions to tell a different story entirely. As far as the reading goes, it does not read smoothly. The emphasis of each line do not agree with each other, mainly because of the inconsistency of line length. Which is okay depending on what you are going for. If it is purely a personal poem where readability does not matter, then it is great. To make it more readable, would be to make the poem more powerful and meaningful for the reader. Try reading it aloud several times and then revise it to make it read more smoothly. Great concepts though!


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## Firemajic (Sep 23, 2014)

This does have an intentional  biblical feel, But I read a more currant meaning to this, maybe obscure for a reason...Very dramatic, well done.   Peace...Jul


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## Ethan (Sep 26, 2014)

Thanks for the input guys, It was written from an embittered Israeli's perspective, and how he percieves Israel's position in the world. Hope that explains a bit, I did want a biblical feel to it hence the slightly archaic words choice and overall tone.


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## E. Zamora (Sep 27, 2014)

It seemed anti-Zionist to me when I first read it, in that the narrator seems to be blinded by his rage; like most zealots. 

I noticed that you used something from the New Testament: "forgive them Father they know not what they do." I didn't know if that was an inconstancy, or intentionally ironic in some way. Interesting work.


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## gokedik (Sep 27, 2014)

Ethan said:


> Words like vomit fill my mouth
> and I spew them out
> My gorge rises and bile spews forth
> spattering the Canaanite, marking his shame
> ...


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## Ethan (Sep 27, 2014)

E. Zamora said:


> It seemed anti-Zionist to me when I first read it, in that the narrator seems to be blinded by his rage; like most zealots.
> 
> I noticed that you used something from the New Testament: "forgive them Father they know not what they do." I didn't know if that was an inconstancy, or intentionally ironic in some way. Interesting work.



The point of veiw is naturally embittered and as intended is biased by blinkered anger, and yes the quote from the New Testament was intentional and meant as an ironic statement, (The narrator uses the word goy yet quotes christ), this obviously was not strongly presented so I'll have a look at that again. Thanks for the input.


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## Ethan (Sep 27, 2014)

[/QUOTE ]This is a deep war with even deeper hatred. That doesn't mean it can't be extinguished with one word, L-O-V-E. And don't say Yeah, Yeah. Turn to your brother and send some. I see promoting an age old war as kind of stupid. Sorry, I searched my vocabulary for a more suitable word but found none...MK[/QUOTE]

I don't think you've grasped the intent of this piece correctly perhaps if you read the additional comments you might see it from the correct perspective.
and don't be too upset about the vocabulary thing, it might improve as you grow older!


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## escorial (Sep 28, 2014)

had the feel of a sermon..the use of My and I made it feel like a personal POV


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## wainscottbl (Sep 29, 2014)

Ethan said:


> The point of veiw is naturally embittered and as intended is biased by blinkered anger, and yes the quote from the New Testament was intentional and meant as an ironic statement, (The narrator uses the word goy yet quotes christ), this obviously was not strongly presented so I'll have a look at that again. Thanks for the input.



So the poem is Jewish, not Christian. Well I would say if you are going to say "goy" then follow the rule of warning the reader in the title of your post. Some Christians are really offended by that word, or even non-Christians. I am Christian but here I am not offended. When I read it I thought it was Christian and playing on the Jewish term. If I were to use a pejorative term for Jews for example I would warn because it's a pretty serious thing. The use here seems to be relatively mild but it can be offensive. Again I am not offended but I can get pretty hot over the Zionist issue so just something to remember for the future.


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## Ethan (Sep 29, 2014)

wainscottbl said:


> So the poem is Jewish, not Christian. Well I would say if you are going to say "goy" then follow the rule of warning the reader in the title of your post. Some Christians are really offended by that word, or even non-Christians. I am Christian but here I am not offended. When I read it I thought it was Christian and playing on the Jewish term. If I were to use a pejorative term for Jews for example I would warn because it's a pretty serious thing. The use here seems to be relatively mild but it can be offensive. Again I am not offended but I can get pretty hot over the Zionist issue so just something to remember for the future.



 The word 'Goy' means nation or nations, it can also mean Gentile or non-jewish (as was intended), if there is any offence talken by the use of this word it is imagined as none was either intended nor implied. As with the word bastard, it can be used both literally and disparagingly but the usage is determined by words preceding or following. Goy to Jews,and the Israelite  in question,means simply Non-Jew.


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## wainscottbl (Sep 29, 2014)

Ethan said:


> The word 'Goy' means nation or nations, it can also mean Gentile or non-jewish (as was intended), if there is any offense talken by the use of this word it is imagined as none was either intended nor implied. As with the word bastard, it can be used both literally and disparagingly but the usage is determined by words preceding or following. Goy to Jews,and the Israelite  in question,means simply Non-Jew.



Alright, that's fine. And if the mods are fine with is, so be it. 

Yours in Christ, 

The Goy Boy ffended:


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## gokedik (Sep 29, 2014)

wainscottbl said:


> So the poem is Jewish, not Christian. Well I would say if you are going to say "goy" then follow the rule of warning the reader in the title of your post. Some Christians are really offended by that word, or even non-Christians. I am Christian but here I am not offended. When I read it I thought it was Christian and playing on the Jewish term. If I were to use a pejorative term for Jews for example I would warn because it's a pretty serious thing. The use here seems to be relatively mild but it can be offensive. Again I am not offended but I can get pretty hot over the Zionist issue so just something to remember for the future.


Buddhism rocks and only has one enemy, the Chinese government.


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## wainscottbl (Sep 29, 2014)

gokedik said:


> Buddhism rocks and only has one enemy, the Chinese government.



Well not everywhere. I'm afraid it has its fanatics just like every religion. 

http://stream.aljazeera.com/story/201403101247-0023539


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## gokedik (Sep 29, 2014)

wainscottbl said:


> Well not everywhere. I'm afraid it has its fanatics just like every religion.
> 
> http://stream.aljazeera.com/story/201403101247-0023539


They are violently defending their culture. My bad. Oh, also, you might want to check your tone when speaking to equals. Don't get it twisted, no matter age, on this website we ARE all equal.


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## Chesters Daughter (Sep 29, 2014)

*Creative threads are meant to generate feedback for the work presented. Any further posts that do not address the OP's poem will result in them being pulled. If it's discussion you desire, start a thread in the Lounge. I will also remind you that both debates and comments directed at posters personally are not allowed in any thread. Please keep it civil and on-topic henceforth. Thank you.*


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