# future drama introdution



## cassie30 (Jun 1, 2010)

Gasping Caitlin awoke! Her vocal chords are frozen so screaming was impossible.  The blinding light hit her eyes hard. 
            As Caitlin’s mind began to clear, she saw two figures standing nearby, a stubby man and a lanky female, who were dressed like lab scientist. They stared down at her naked form like she was some kind of lab rat. What she didn’t know she was a science experiment?
            As his colleague mumbled something under her breath to him. Standing completely still, he stared at Caitlin with what looked like cruel black eyes and his partner also stared down at her.
            Next thing Caitlin knew they begun to examine her. After two full hours of uncomfortable examinations, Caitlin felt violated and dirty.
            These anonymous, very uncaring scientists finally allowed to dress, providing a bright orange dress with lots of button down the front. As she slipped on the dress she felt scratchy all over. Undergarments weren’t offered. Feeling naked that undergarments weren’t offered Caitlin got up to leave. Finally they gestured to her to leave, showing her to the door that led to the outside. Caitlin heaved a sigh of relief.


----------



## Mister URL (Jun 1, 2010)

_This has a lot of SPaG and formatting problems. Is that the kind of review you are looking for?_


----------



## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

What he means is, it's full of really blatant errors that should have been caught by reading it over before posting it.
You waste your time posting flaky drafts--everybody talks about your mistakes instead of what you probably want them to talk about.

The first word lacks a comma after it.  The second sentence shifts from presence tense to past tense without touching the clutch.

My advice, clean it up, then see what people think.


----------



## garza (Jun 1, 2010)

'This isn't writing. This is just typing.' - Truman Capote

'This isn't even good typing.' - garza

Cassie, please clean up the more egregious errors and try to figure out in your own mind who these people are, where they are, what they are up to, and whether 'Gasping Caitlan' is actually a nickname the boys in her neighbourhood have given her. 

It's entirely possible that in your own mind you have a story formed, or at least half formed, that might be of interest. Clean it up, and bring it back. And lose the exclamation mark.


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 3, 2010)

okay so the introction needs some editng still


----------



## Linton Robinson (Jun 3, 2010)

ez 4 u 2 say


----------



## ChristopherOlson (Jun 3, 2010)

A whole lot of questions jumped out at me while I was reading your the introduction to your piece, cassie30. Why don't you have Caitlin ask her captors about the experiments they're conducting on her, or give us her sense of what's going on in her own voice, even if she doesn't know what's going on?

"After two full hours of uncomfortable examinations."
Without describing the "examinations," I can't picture two hours going by. That's your story right there. Two hours go by while she's conscious, having no idea how she got there or who is doing this to her.

As an introduction, I don't think I'd be keen to continue reading, unless the last line was something more provocative than "Caitlin heaved a sigh of relief."


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 5, 2010)

okay so i need to learn how to show vs tell which hard for me


----------



## Linton Robinson (Jun 5, 2010)

Don't worry about that show vs tell stuff.
Just go through and clean it up.  not just grammar, etc,  Notice things like repeating "undergarments weren't offered".   It's not a matter of applying rules and standards as just having things read smoothly.


----------



## Reese (Jun 6, 2010)

F**k the grammatical stuff. That's what an editor is for, right?

Think about your character. She felt naked and violated. Why exactly? What made her feel violated? FYI, I really don't want to hear about vaginal probes.

I want to hear about how this character handled this type of situation and what it did to her. You jump from "they started to examine her," to she was all done. Two hours of examination must have been painful, but you do not mention it.

If this is about a larger story, then add a little more to where exactly this is going.


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 6, 2010)

what do you want to hear about not that i would do a vaginal probe


----------



## Linton Robinson (Jun 6, 2010)

Everythings going anal these days.

I don't think you need to spell out any details or brand names. you might add a little more embroidery in the way of adjectives or something.  Or a view on it:  handled and plumbed like diseased meat     something like that.
I don't see a big problem there.


----------



## Reese (Jun 6, 2010)

Well, if you don't tell me an overarching theme of where this is going, then all I have is vaginal probes. lol  kidding

You start the sequence with how she felt. She was choking and terrified. It's a very first-person persepctive, but it is not carried through. Your writing kind of fights between a first-prespective and a 3rd persective. You have to either chose one or the other. Do you want it to be from her perspective, or from another persons perspective? Hone down the perspective. Whose eyes do you want this to be seen from?


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 8, 2010)

okay so no vaginal probes and i need to decided weather it's first person or 3rd person


----------



## Mister URL (Jun 8, 2010)

Reese said:


> F**k the grammatical stuff. That's what an editor is for, right?


_I have to strongly disagree with this comment. Perhaps Stephen King has his own editor and that person takes whatever crap he sends in and makes it clean as a weasel. But until you get to that point, you better impress the first person that reads your piece, and I know from early rejection experiences that they have little patience with SPaG problems. But you suit yourself, cassie30.
_


----------



## Eiji Tunsinagi (Jun 9, 2010)

Yeah... this is going to need some work.  Formatting, spelling, grammar, structure, aside -- yes, who is this Caitlin?  And these people?  And why does everyone seem to be so nonchalant?  And, while I enjoy a good summary (almost more than an actual work), this reads much too much as one.  Try to paint a picture a little more -- with as few words as possible, of course -- to give the mood, the feel, of the situation on hand.  

stephen


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 9, 2010)

well i see the gramer needs work and again i need to work on show vs tell


----------



## Reese (Jun 12, 2010)

It really depends cassie30. If you want to make it a first person perspective, you have to tell us how that person feels when they encounter the said action. You can make it a "tell" story, but then you need to keep the action very linear without "baiting" you reader into wanting more about that first-perspective. You have to keep it action oriented. You only wrote a few lines (which, at this point, COULD be purely action). However, you can't delve into what a character really feels if you want to do so.

If you want to develope it into a first-perspective, you will find that the congruence of the two characters in your story will create and begin to emerge in your own mind. Otherwise, you have to concentrate on plot, and plot alone at this point.


----------



## cassie30 (Jun 13, 2010)

okay so it work as a first person story but right now i'm not sure how to make work


----------

