# An encounter.



## H.Brown (Jan 30, 2018)

I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in whatever story you were reading this time. Your stormy blue eyes followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next. Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the heat.

Fanning myself I slip by unnoticed, just scant inches from your muscular back. Bitting my lip I refrain from touching, following each defined muscle with my fingers. Then I'm passed and heading for the romance section, breathing heavily as I try to regain a tiny portion of sense, but you fill my mind.

Closing my eyes I see your lips, pink and full, descend towards my own as my chest rises and falls rapidly, until I'm panting with your imagined kiss. Grabbing a tome at random I return to the tables and to you. Sitting at the next table across I sneak glances to my left. Watching long fingers turn a page, while I hear the gentle scrap of paper against paper. 

My book forgotten, held by numb fingers as suddenly your gaze snaps up and lands on mine. I know my cheeks are flaming red but I don't care as I'm trapped in your gaze, again. You smile at me. Just a tiny quirk of lips as you catch me staring. It's a familiar dance, that we've been doing for weeks and my heart is pounding in my chest as your gaze slips from my face.

To my low cut peach top, that shows more than enough of my ample bosom. I catch my lower lip in my teeth as your gaze lingers a little too long before returning to my eyes. I know the question that lurks in my own, but do you share it? I think as I rise breaking eye contact. 

My hips sway, sheathed in skin tight blue jeans, I feel your eyes caress them as I walk away, into the shadowed recess of the library. Are you following? I don't know but I dare not glance back.


----------



## EmmaSohan (Feb 3, 2018)

What are you trying to accomplish here? Which is to say, I felt bounced around. It was nice images and sentences, but my only involvement was to watch.

(The first paragraph created a lovely image. The second paragraph seemed to be trying to set the MC as shy. The third paragraph started out erotic. The fourth paragraph could be showing us what happens when this male looks at the MC and discovers the MC staring -- but it doesn't, because I then learn they do this all the time. Which essentially forces me to recalibrate the whole story, though I did not stop to do that. I had no idea why she could not look back, which is to say, that was just a movement to me.)


----------



## Olly Buckle (Feb 9, 2018)

Commas.
Commas in lists are easy.
Commas that join are similar, put them before the connecting words and, or, but, while, yet to make a single sentence out of two.

Commas that bracket things off more often give problems. I find the simple rule that if you can take out the piece in commas and the rest still makes sense, that's it. So,
I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were
I walked into the library I did every Thursday, and there you were.
Not really working.
I walked into the library, at the same time I did every Thursday, and there you were
I walked into the library,  and there you were.
Works. Of course you still need the joining comma before the 'and'.

Did you realise the first paragraph is in past tense and all the rest is in present?


----------



## escorial (Feb 9, 2018)

mills an boon stuff


----------



## Olly Buckle (Feb 10, 2018)

escorial said:


> mills an boon stuff


That may or may not be your bag, escorial, but I reckon it takes some sort of skill to write a romance that will achieve volume sales, so I'd take this as high praise if I were you Hannah.


----------



## H.Brown (Feb 10, 2018)

Hi thank you all for reading and commenting.

Emma- I will look into the jumping around and see about setting up each small scene within this whole scene to help with keeping attention and atmosphere.

Esc- this is going to be my next major wip,  I have an idea rolling around my noggin but Mills an Boon, I don't know, we will have to see.

Olly-  I know those pesky commas, I need to take more care with them. Of course I take mills an boon as it as high praise. You are correct this needs more work so that it shows more skill.


----------



## Ralph Rotten (Feb 10, 2018)

I wasn't crazy about the way you broke it up into so many sentences.  That should have been mebbe 2 paragraphs, more likely one.  They just seemed underdeveloped.


----------



## H.Brown (Feb 10, 2018)

I agree Ralph, I'm going to work on it. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. 



Ralph Rotten said:


> I wasn't crazy about the way you broke it up into so many sentences.  That should have been mebbe 2 paragraphs, more likely one.  They just seemed underdeveloped.


----------



## escorial (Mar 15, 2018)

Olly Buckle said:


> That may or may not be your bag, escorial, but I reckon it takes some sort of skill to write a romance that will achieve volume sales, so I'd take this as high praise if I were you Hannah.



Not my bag but I think there is a market place for escapist romance.... I've read 3 Mills an boon books that my mother use to leave around the house..then they were thought of as a female read and I was surprised to read in an article that alot of the authors were male writers..so for me Mills an boon is not my bag but not bad writing either..


----------



## Neetu (Mar 16, 2018)

Oh you brought back a memory for me, Escorial. I used to live in circumstances during my teen years that left me for a period of time with access to only a cheap little book rental place in India. The only books the guy had were Mills and Boon and Barbara Cartland and a few other similar romance novels. I think I must have read the whole collection he had there! Fun to read, at that age, but I remember thinking, is this all there is to romance? Hmmmm...


----------



## escorial (Mar 16, 2018)

Me dad said why is he reading them books an playing with action men dolls....


----------



## Blackstone (Apr 1, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in whatever story you were reading this time. Your stormy blue eyes followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next. Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the heat.
> 
> Fanning myself I slip by unnoticed, just scant inches from your muscular back. Bitting my lip I refrain from touching, following each defined muscle with my fingers. Then I'm passed and heading for the romance section, breathing heavily as I try to regain a tiny portion of sense, but you fill my mind.
> 
> ...



Ah, romance!

I feel conflicted on the language. Some of it I really like. For some reason I am drawn to this "_Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face_" and I think the reason for that is because despite being rather simple it presents a clear image of this gentleman (can I assume it is a gentleman? Muscular backs?) and also, in a subtle way, shows how he is - from the perspective of the protagonist at least - part of a different reality. "My hips sway, sheathed in skin tight blue jeans" is another brutally simple but conceivable image. So is "Watching long fingers turn a page, while I hear the gentle scrap of paper against paper."

On the other hand there are issues with cliche. I know romance has its tropes but I felt a certain typecasting that I would, just as personal preference, prefer to see less of. I detest "I know my cheeks are flaming red but I don't care as I'm trapped in your gaze, again" for the simple reason that I think you are a better writer than to use a phrase like 'flaming red'. Why _flaming _red? Is that not just about the most obvious type of redness there is? If you're going to qualify the color beyond simply 'red' (nothing wrong with that by the way) then pick something that adds a dimension beyond what is simply there in the word 'Red': _Candy Apple Red; __Red as a summer sky; Red like a baboon's arse. 

_Similarly I cannot get along with "trapped in your gaze, again" mainly because it's every eighties love ballad ever but also because I don't believe this person is really trapped by those eyes. If they are, they escape pretty easily six sentences later. What I would prefer is for that moment, that _trapped _feeling to be explained for what it really is, which I think would be less to do with being trapped at all and more about some unspoken understanding, some secret language. You can go to town on that, if you wanted.

Generally though, pretty good. Definitely reads like the opening of something yet to be fully unpacked but not bad.


----------



## Sync (Apr 14, 2018)

hello

It has all the parts needed for romance. Your use of commas stalled me a few times as I sorted out which images belonged where. There were a few typo things, but that's expected on drafts. I'll give your first para a critique. All my thoughts are opinions based on my experience - it doesn't mean they are law no matter how I phrase them. As always, you are the writer.





> I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and  there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in  whatever story you were reading this time.



I walked into the library at the same time I did every Thursday. You were sitting third table from the back. 

Do you see the two images? One is the imagery of you doing your daily thing, the other separate images is of the new object of interest. You want to clearly define the boundary between the two actions, because each one is important alone. Remember every word you write builds on the images and knowledge of a reader has towards your character. Even that they go to the library regular, builds something. I know you might believe that those pauses build something better, but I do not believe they do, or at least, work against it.



> Your stormy blue eyes  followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next.  Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat  rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the  heat.



Keep the focus on what you want to show to your readers. Is it the sweat of everyone else, but not his, or is it how his fine brown hair caught in the breeze of an electric fan? My suggestion is to keep those eyes of your mc, directly and only on him ie:

Your stormy blue eyes  quickly followed each line in a book, your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan. You were untouched by that day's heat.

Focus on your mc's observation. Gather that data into one moment and sharpen its gaze. There are times when you should break images into separate statements - those short commands, but other times when their collection forms a stronger image, so the reader gathers it all at once.

**

Again, these are only my opinions of writing. Not rules. 

A nice piece that can go further with a bit more work

Sync


----------



## hubriscomplex (Feb 18, 2019)

Hm, I think it's nice for a short lil story. I don't think I could read a whole story written like this though, it's very wordy


----------



## tinacrabapple (Oct 3, 2019)

Seems to me they have been eyeing each other for some time implying some kind of familarity, so the notion of the title An Encounter didn't work for me.  But its a cute piece.


----------

