# July 2016 - LM - The Gambler - Scores



## kilroy214 (Aug 1, 2016)

July 2016 Scores
*THE GAMBLER SCORES!!!*
​
*bdcharle's Scores*
*PrinzeCharming's Scores*
*Smith's Scores*
*amsawtell's Scores*
*total*
rcallaci
17.5
17.8
15.75
15.5
16.6
danielstj
13
19.8
18
15
16.45
PiP
12.5
17.6
16
18
16.02
rubisco
18.5
12.9
15
16
15.6
AtleanWordsmith
14
14.3
17
16
15.375
Rookish
15.5
13.5
17.5
15
15.375
WanderingMan
13
17.8
16.5
14
15.325
king
13
14.7
16
16
14.92
godofwine
16
14
15
14
14.75
KnightPlutonian
15.5
12
15.5
16
14.75
gohn67
15
14
14
16
14.75
Potty
9
11
19
17
14
Terry D. "Pick Em'"
13
12
17
14
14
Sleepwriter
12
15.5
14
14.5
14
Greyson
12
11
16
15
13.5
Mr. Mitchell
11.5
13
12
16
13.125
Makili
12.5
11.6
15
11.5
12.65
kilroy214
HE



We had a rollercoaster of scores this go round with a lot of ties. Can't wait to see you all next month. You may now 'like' any of the entries that tickled your fancy. Let me know if I screwed up any of the scores. Cheers!

In 1st Place we have *rcallaci *with* Secrets of the Bayou*
2nd belongs to d*anielstj * with *Aces*
And in 3rd, *PiP *with *A Leopard Never Changes its Spots
Congratulations guys! Now for the scores!!!
*
[spoiler2=bdcharles' Scores] *AtleanWordsmith
 "Roulette"

* Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Total: 14/20

 Review:
 I like your writing style; it's voicey, cool and fresh. I suppose the  premise and setting is not the most original - moles in a drug gang, but  that's okay. Pulling your score down a little more are the ellipses ...  there are lots of them ... they suggest indecision, or maybe a space  where there could be a stronger word:

 He thinks we're part of his protection detail... but we're not. <-  these ellipsis could easily be a comma, but they're not. Not sure what  the ellipses add.

 The part where the guys run is a little confusing; it's all internal  dialogue which suggests (pretty well) some sort of fraught escape or  chase, but I wasn't 100% clear on that. It works, but the repetition of  "shit" doesn't seem to add that much, and you could perhaps put  something else in there to make it sound a bit faster-paced at that  point.

 I loved the ending - it was strangely bittersweet and perfectly poised  for a twist. The guy thinking the job's gone well, but he's shot. Nice  work on that!

*
 Potty
 "Scratch"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 3/10
 Total: 9/20

 Review:
 Gosh, this is very short, isn't it? Almost microfiction but not quite.  Okay, what's happening? One lotto-junkie hypocritically presuming  superiority over another, yes; the hubris of the inveterate gambler. The  voice is that sort of rough-round-the-edges one that seems quite  natural to adopt but that lends itself to run-on sentences and  comma-splicing, which managed to surface even in these 188 brief words.  The sentence style is quite catchy and rhythmic and there are some very  snappy-yet-unobtrusive turns of phrase - set to work on a thick wad of  card; as I watch him bin his fortune - with the end having the right  length and content, relatively speaking, to throw us a late-game  curveball, but it's just that not a huge effort seems to have been made.  I see by the plethora of medals, including published writer, you can  write, but perhaps chose not to showcase yourself here, which is of  course fair enough. Do more next time! :smile:


*King 
 "Untitled"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Total: 13.5/20

 Review:
 Well, first, kudos for making your first post a comp entry. Let's see  what we have. Some great phrases - "She’s just staring at me with those  leaking Bambi eyes.", "Red splashed the table – everything she does has a  tremble to it", 

 I thought the set up in this line "In between us is a table. It’s long –  long enough that I couldn’t immediately grab her if she were to run."  was very good. At that point we have no idea of a sense of threat, but -  _bam _- then we do. Why would she run? Is she in danger?  Perhaps. It ramps up the tone nicely. It's also got a tantalising hint  of mystery to it. I find myself pretty keen to know what the fifth item  is, and then again when we learn what the significance of it is, so that  sort of construction of narrative is definitely a strength. Maybe ditch  the second long though: "It's long enough that I ..."

 Some overwriting: "She's got", "same goes", "and it's emphasized by",  "it makes her", etc. These phrases can always be removed as they tend to  sound like waffle, masking otherwise good descriptions.

 Again, the voice is not wildly different from the previous two entries,  and as such has a couple of run on sentences. I know that in a close POV  it is perfectly permissible but ... to me it smacks a little of  unoriginality, leaving aside questions of stylistic correctness.

 "she raised the glass to her lips" - it's fine body language but not the  most original; just watch for those well-worn phrases and see if you  can't reinvent them.

 The flow: after the first *** we seem to go back in time rather abruplty  and I got a bit confused, though it does serve to introduce the  gambler's coin well, as a sort of Dice-Man decisionmaking device for  sociopaths. It's a good reveal, because we've already been set up to  wonder about this fifth item and it carries some sense of threat for  that reason.

 Some repetition: "each" in para 3 in one sentence; "pale skin / dark"  twice in the first para, plus darkening making it a third. Ditto  "crying". Why not:

 There’s a woman sitting across from me, pale skin and eyes dark enough  that I’m calling them black. Same goes for her hair, emphasized by bold  eyebrows. She's prettier when her mascara's running, darkening her  features even more.

 Or something 


*Rookish
 "The Gambol Of Gern"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Total: 15.5/20

 Review:
 The title I found very intriguing, the homophone "gambolling" opening up  a whole new area for stories. The notion of a slave race is as ever a  trustworthy trope. Even as a word it sounds great. Your writing is  concise and tight, detailed without waffling, but without sacrificing  grammar or style. And you handle the changes in scene/POV well, making  them easy to follow and entirely believable. The dialogue between both  parties works for me.

 I did wonder exactly what the "gambol" referred to. I thought perhaps  that was another name for the race or for S5/Nilia who Gern betted on,  but it wasn't expanded. I thought when Gern made reference to S5 you  might slip the name in there.

 Lines like this: "Nilia made a quick study of the man before her." can  potentially be dispensed with if you were looking to free up word count.  We are already Nilia, in her POV, so anything presented to us is  typically going to be as a result of her making some sort of study of  it. Same with "He was wounded, badly so." - the following sentences let  us know this is the case with the mashed leg and the pulped eye. But  then again, I don't know - on second reading it seems to fit with the  voice. Just an option.




*godofwine
 "All In"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7.5/10
 Total: 16/20

 Review:
 Heh this was great. The tension was masterfully controlled throughout,  the sense of make-or-break palpable. The writing was very seamless.  There was only one SPAG point where I remembered I was reading a story  and that was this:

 "Aaron didn’t react, but sat as if he didn’t hear with the look of a man with the world on his shoulders."

 The sentence construction caused my proverbial brow to furrow in brief  incomprehension. Given that we are in limited 3rd, not privy to Aaron's  thoughts other than those he tells us, perhaps think about something  like:

 "Aaron didn’t react, but sat as if he didn’t hear; seemingly a man with the world on his shoulders."

 In general even without much description, and relying mostly on  dialogue, the story conjures up alot. A testament to the power of "said"  and understated speech tags. I can just about forgive you the comma  splice "I hope you know what you’re doing, that’s a lot of money to  lose" as it occurs in dialogue, and I did not dock you a SPAG for it,  though thought it warrants a mention. Do it again and I will deduct :wink:

 I suppose the only thing that really got me was that I was unsure what  happened in the end. The Cavaliers won, so they got their money, right?  Or does that happen in the next game? Not being a betting man myself,  some of the terms are a little lost on me and as such the end was a  smidge unclear, losing you an effect point.


*Anonymous
 "No Quarter"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6.5/10
 Total: 12.5/20

 Review:
 Yessss! A different take on the title! Okay, let's see what gives.

 It's a passable guy war story, for me, something I might have enjoyed as  a child. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, by the way. I'll consider  that in my review.

 My second thoughts are that there is a touch of overwriting,  overdescribing movements that should be slicker: "made her approach",  "eye-scalding flash scorched", "turned his head", "cacophony of hues his  eyes were trying to digest." Again, this is quite typical of the genre,  particularly for younger readers, so not a massive biggie, but still it  was noted.

 My third thought is I am not sure what vehicle they are in. The presence  of wings suggests aircraft; portholes and the mention of "ship" suggest  a boat. Harrier Starfighter is planes again. Then they dock with the  enemy ship. Are they in space? But in space no-one can hear your Kenny  Rogers collection, no matter how hard you blast it :smile:

 Originality maybe needs a little work: Calling one's battleaxe "Lucille"  seems to be a generally popular choice (I am a Walking Dead fan and  have made the pilgrimage, I enjoy the music of BB King, and so on and so  on). Large grizzled mercenaries, soldiers of fortune - do we need this  info? It doesn't seem relevant after this point. Trust me, the  characters come across manful enough already. They seem to be engaged in  some sort of piracy act anyway.

 "Lucille's ready to sing, boys!" 
-> should be on the previous line if, as the interaction with  Shaughnessy and Lucille suggests, it is S. saying it. Perhaps minimise  the repetition of Lucille here.

 "Pussies!" Someone in the back declared.
-> should be a lover case "s" on "someone". The P-word suggests a not-for-kids read.

 "Brown-brown. Little taste of home, it'll put some hair on your sack,”  he thrust the bottle forward, “come on boy, let me see your war face."
-> watch the case and punctuation on the speech tags.

 It wasn't bad. Quite exciting, in an Andy McNab sort of way. 


*KnightPlutonian
 "The Table at the Edge Of The World"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Total: 15.5/20

 Review:
 This was great. It's very tense and quite messed-up, like some of those  Stephen King short stories where people do the nuttiest things -  Quitters, Inc comes to mind. A couple of bits of clunky repetition: "A  trickle of sweat slid past my eye, joining with several others on its  way to my chin. I didn’t move to dry it, and it slid to my chin " (rep:  slid/chin/general movement)

 I set the glass down repeated as confidently as I could.
 ^Not sure why the word "repeated" is here. 

 The croupier's pitilessly robotic voice was great. I thought - still think - he is some sort of automaton.

 Some of the expressions are a little cliched: heart pounding staccato  drumbeat; filling the silent room with noise (did it really? Was the  room really silent? I can buy into it if it is a POV-tinged impression  but it's not presented that way). Note that the heartbeat image is  repeated quite closely here "My heart was climbing in pace, with a beat  ending not a second before the next followed." Does your chest know that  Neil Peart resides inside it? :wink:  Maybe pick an external object to hang the tension on - a jarring bell, a  too-shrill laugh from the next table, etc., etc. I realise you use the  drum motif throughout to build tension and it does work, and I can  definitely sense his panic that suddenly clicks over into cool, but the  one above seems a little overbaked. Maybe mix in some other images, and  just bookend it with the drum tie-in.

 Great ending by the way. I can't believe he's so far gone as to gamble away his entire family. What a loon. Good job! 



*Mr mitchell
 "The Gambler And His Demons"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 2.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 11.5/20

 Review:
 So this is some wild prose. We're in a game of Russian Roulette with a  traumatised vet, staring down the barrel of nothingness. The standout  bits for me were: "Your time to plunge into risking your life for  nothing, Joel.", "the face of an old army friend smiling at him", "He  knew of it when he gambled his war zones, where bombs, and hand grenades  shrilled around him" (and what a great verb "shrilled" is here!) - I  really liked these lines. The problem is that the grammar needs a good  hosing and alot of the word choices were quite hard to wrap my head  around: "their mousse was a clattered mess" - I was pretty lost here.  Likewise "a hum of generic fear emblazoned on his face" - I just cannot  imagine that, although I actually quite like it. What is the hum of  generic fear? I can see you're stretching yourself out for quality and  intensity and that's great, but you have to get the right word. Some of  the story seemed quite random - playing russian roulette with some 80s  pop kids - why? :smile:

 sig sauer - this is a proper noun and as such would need capital S's.

“Why are we here, Jack?” He asked <- "he" should start with a lower case h

 Jack seems to rename himself to Joel at some stage.

 "and the veritable scenes of that never washed, dried, but never left" -> couldn't really follow this bit

 The drench of it sat on him as the first male called him, unfriendly  glare [<- not sure what these 2 words are referring to here. They  might benefit from being moved elsewhere], and he said,


*danielstj
 "Aces"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 13/20

 Review:
 Pretty tense stuff, ending on a great cliffhanger. Good bits for me were  : " His face betrays nothing" - very solid, visual - so much so that  you could probsably depict him with just this, rather than "There is not  even the hint of any expression along the contours of his features".  Also: "The next card comes out red. We are even. " - I think this sort  of short, intense writing is your forte. You capture the all or nothing  of high stakes gambling pretty well. You remind me why I avoid it,  actually :smile: SPAG was generally good; just watch for repetitions, unnecessary words, etc., etc.

 I guess the voice is ... not an unfamiliar one. Also, with this line "The  dealer shoots each of us a glance that makes me feel vaguely  uncomfortable. She almost does not exist in this moment of intense  concentration and judgment." I felt it was a little contradictory - is  he uncomfortable or indifferent? Hard to be both. Also alot of the  sentences start with I, particularly in Para 3. Readers like a little  variation.

 A couple of places where you could shave off a few words:
 The game was clear and I had practiced it thousands of times: Texas Hold  Em'. I know I am a gambler but I consider myself a careful one.
-> maybe
 I had practiced Texas Hold 'Em thousands of times; I am a gambler, yes, but a careful one.

 Repetitions:
 it was clear they we all were very serious. The game was clear -> repeated "clear"

 Overwriting:
 In my head the die has been cast and there is nothing but fate left.
-> could be:
 The die has been cast and there is nothing but fate left.
-> because we are already in his head as per this first person  close-distance POV. Just give us the impression, the thought; not a  report of it




*Greyson
 "I Fought the Law"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 12/20

 Review:
 This was generally highly readable, and I whizzed through in one shot.  Good opener. Other standout lines include "I sucked in my breath and my  pride and got into line." One thing with short stories is that every  word counts, so the game of chance waiting with Remi was set up as a  thing to look forward to, but we never got there. If you mention it, use  it. Doesn't matter how - you could have Remi as a cop or informant  luring this guy back to catch him or something.

 There were one or two comma splices that seem to come as default with  certain tough-guy down-on-his-luck gambler-type voices. I don't mind so  much but it is a little cliched and tends towards infodump and  backstory, like all that about the TSA, to help shade in the character. I  suppose for this nothing massively stood out for me, though it was  perfectly serviceable. I was looking for something unusual to happen at  the end, or perhaps an original interpretation of the title. With your  numbers, try experimenting with writing them as words; thirty as opposed  to 30.

 I think the comp rules like you to put a language warning if there's  some anglo-saxon in there. Doesn't bother me though - just an FYI if  you're ever looking to enter other comps in magazines etc.




*Makili
 "The gambler's redemption"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 12.5/20

 Review:
 Neat and observant little anecdote, this. I thought there was going to  be a punchline: "A priest walks into a bar...". Some odd capitalisations  and naming of characters but still eminently readable throughout -  helped along by very smooth dialogue. Perhaps not the most original take  on the prompt but then again the prompt is quite specific, and doesn't  leave a huge amount of room to innovate. Some comments:

 "...But that, my boy, is simply not an option ", said the priest <- should be no space after "option"

 Think also about ellipses. There are lots of them. Why are they there?  If there's a pause, or indecision, maybe flesh it out with some body  language. Then again, the word count's against you but something to  think about.




*Anonymous
 "Pick 'em"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 13/20

 Review:
 Interesting and foreshadowy first line that perhaps reveals the route  this tale will take. I thought it was clever they way you include the  sort of serial-complainer, internet-troll type who seems to get off on  being miserable; nice tackle of the subject. No major SPaG issues though  the style was in general quite safe.

 Reading through though, it doesn't massively go anywhere other than a  sort of emotive uptick about Mark's swapping gambling for family life.  Likeable though the characters are, I'm not sure who they are or where  they are or why the story is called "Pick 'em". Why's the new guy there  if he's such a downer? I found myself wanting Mark to not so much  explain the downfalls of fuck-the-wordld philosophy to New Guy as just  let him be hoist by his own petard in some amusing way but of course, in  that regard, by getting me to feel that way, you characterised them  both very well.

 On top of that there are probably a few spots where you could dispense of a word to free up space elsewhere:

“What do you think?” Kevin asked around a gooey brown bite.
-> lose "brown". We've already established chocolate. Gooey continues it; our minds see brown.

 I struggled to follow this sentence:
 "everyone knew that because an hour ago he’d shared about losing his mortgage money on a Thursday Night Football bet."
-> Everyone knew what? Do we need this info?

 If some space was freed up  you could also replace the ellipsis with some other descriptor:
 "The color. The sound… the winning, but I know it’s not good for me.”




*Wandering Man
 "The Gamble"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
 Effect: 6.5/10
 Total: 13/20

 Review:
 Slightly creepy entry - in a good way of course! Some neat phrases, eg   Calm breaths, don’t leave any “tells.”, "The unknowns in my little game  of chance." and "She’s already been drinking? That’s good. That’s really  good." which was pretty yikey.

 I don't know what it says about me (or, indeed, you) but I misread the opening lines as:
 "There she is. That’s the one I want to hurt."
-> which again amped up the creepsterism. But when I looked again it  was gone! Just a thought to show the options available for making  sentences more impactful.

 Overwriting: could you shave off a word or two here:
 "I watch Blondie get out of her red Toyota Cressida and go into the convenience store."
< - why not lose "get" and "go" and replace with something more  evocative used singly; climb, slink, anything that portrays Blondie some  interesting way:
 "I watch Blondie dance out of her red Toyota Cressida and into the convenience store."

 Unnecessary repetition of "right" in "Just the right age, the right look, and the right attitude. " Why not:
 The right age, looks, attitude. # saves you 6 words with no loss of  meaning and perhaps a little gaining of voice. Maybe m-dashes instead of  commans but hopefully you get my drift.

 With this:
 It’s time to go in and make first contact with my mark
-> again you could remove "go in and", lose nothing, and gain some  immediacy, otherwise the writing risks sounding languid and sleepy.


 The word "just" is like sand - gets everywhere.You have 8 of them.

 There she is, picking up a six pack and heading for the cashier. “Hi,  nice evening we’re having.” I say as I follow her to the cashier. 
-> New line after first "cashier" for dialogue. Second "cto the ashier" can go as it's repeating words and scenery.

 "She acknowledges my statement," - show us this. Have her nod, smile, anything. Think body language dictionary.

 "Her little Cressida is pulling onto the street as crank my engine." -> Missing I; "I crank my engine"

 The ending was a little underwhelming tbh. I wanted something else to  happen. I understand it's based on a true story but what else could  occur? Bear in mind there are no limits.


*Sleepwriter
 "Life's A Gamble"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 2.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Total: 12/20

 Review:
 There is quite a sudden twist in this story, and I like Joe's eventual  go-to-hell attitude towards Death, plus his matey banter with  J-Chrizzler and the other minor deities. 

 Buuut ... stylistically it faltered. Right out of the gate and you're into a  comma splice. They *can* add effect when deployed right but more often  they are straight errors so watch for them. There's another two  sentences later and, nope, I tried to appeal but the man said it's gonna  cost ya some grammar coupons. :smile:  There are more. Shame as "Three tons of American steel barreled down  the highway" is pretty cool - although "barrelled" is perhaps a little  overused. Double L for UK spelling, single for US; no issues there.

 "Bobby Sue" - isn't this like a trope name? Or is that Mary Sue?

 I am thinking Henry is a dog here. Interested to see if I am right. (spoiler: we never do. Assume human.)

 When Joe "winces" (and does he have to do that?) as he opens his eyes I  thought this was a dream, but it's not. The transition between the  accident and him coming to was perhaps not 100% smooth. I'd suggest  making it clear he blacks out first. 

 I think the biggest problem is that this never rose fully clear of  cliche or generic sentence structure. He did this. He did that. He went  in. There were people there. 


*rcallaci
 "Secrets of the Bayou"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
 Effect: 9/10
 Total: 17.5/20

 Review: 
 Right away, you have me. Disclosure: for about an hour after I read this  I was walking round the house muttering "Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones"  in a sort of toothless gutterswamp burble: "Jum' Jap' Jibby Jab Joe".  The name alone made me smile. The voice was great, right down to the  fact that you start the first 2 sentences with the guy's name which  tells us we're in for one hell of an ill-educated homespun treat. I feel  like I'm floatin 'pon the bayous with Jimmy and, quite possibly, the  devil hisself. 

 One point: do boar frequent the bayous? Gators, yep, crawdads, uh-huh  (whatever a crawdad is) but boar? I ain't nevah seen no bo' dat close'n  to da water, mm-hmm. You see whatchoo did? I'm from Surrey, for goodness  sake, & have drunk wine with lords. If they could see me now. Here,  have five points for voice.

 I did think the paragraph beginning "First off" was a bit overcooked. 4  sentences in quick succession beginning with "It was/did/sounded  like/etc"? See if you can smoosh that into something that keeps up the  evocative tone. Cost you oh-point-five of a voice.

 There were just a couple of grammar wobbles too, though some can be accounted for by the narrator's tone.

 I love the way the point of the story is to show how 5J got his name.  Though I was a bit confused how the narrator-I referred to him ("hence  his name, Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones" - I would delete) before  actually naming him. 

 All in all great take on the prompt and with a concise purpose to it. :smile:


*gohn67
 "Mr. Coffee"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Total: 15/20

 Review:
 This was quite a cute story. You capture Li's ambition well as well as  Hu's more cautious nature, and the conflict this throws up between them.  Your grammar is good without being dull, bolstered with solid word  choices. More importantly I felt like I liked the characters and  sympathised with their endeavours.

 When they talk about the hare and the tortoise it is not alawys clear  who is talking. Some of the things I would expect Li to say but it was  Hu. Make sure your dialogue tags and setup work.

 It was also a little uncertain what the aim of the story was. Why do  they call each other Mr. Coffee? What has that to do with anything? What  does making business cards have to do with chemistry? I liked it all,  but was just a bit lost from time to time. 

 It doesn't bother me that you edited this twelve hours after posting it...


*rubisco
 "Overwhelming Odds Against"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 9/10
 Total: 18.5/20

 Review: This was hilarious. I just love the little bits: "Shut up,  fungus."; "my stomach and brain mutually had a revelation that they were  long-lost soulmates, always had been, were fools for being blind to it  before", "I held that note as long as I could. It lasted almost the  whole five minute float to the ground.". I love the fact that the gamble  is a simple chance on a kiss and, oh, just the whole silliness of the  piece is great. Excellent verb choices - coaxed, scuttled, gasped out.  "Shut up" was repeated and there were a couple of grammary wobbles but I  suspect they are typos rather than syntactic ignorance. This made me  smile, and it's quarter to midnight and I'm working.


*PiP
 "A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots"*

 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Total: 12.5/20

 Review:
 This was perfectly readable. No big issues or stumbles and some of the  expressions are nicely rich; I can perfectly visualise "as if hypnotised  by the continuous stream of red tail lights."

 Couple of bits of sentencey weirdness for me: "His smile tight lipped,  and beads of perspiration glistened on his forehead." -  missing a "was"  here, or is "tight lipped" a verb? Should it be hyphenated?

 The hotel lived up to Jodie’s teenage recollection of ‘shabby chic’ - do  we need to know it's her teenage recollection? We're already in her POV  - no need to re-anchor us there.

 Slight overwriting here: "she glanced at Tim whose expression was set in  the grim resignation of one who was about to face a firing squad."
-> why not just say "Tim's expression was set..." -> we are  already Jodie so any perceptions we get given will be implicitly as a  result of her glancing at stuff. 

 Same with this:
 Jodie had not seen her father for over three years since working as a  waitress at the hotel to earn money before starting university. 
-> do we need to know why she was earning money? University or  studentious penury don't feature as story elements. This extra info  tends to ause things to drag. 

 I suppose the issue for me here was that the "initiating event" was  revealed quite late and could have been made more of. Why not build up  the father as some sort of terrifying problem person? He owns a hotel,  right? So why not pepper the hotel driveway with moody mobsters or  overturned bins. That way you don't have to tell us thst "Jodie was  dreading introducing Tim to her father" because we as readers are  dreading meeting him. The buildup to that was a tense car ride, but  things only started to come unravelled at the reception desk, and as  such, it didn't massively grab me unfortunately.  [/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=PrinzeCharming's Scores] Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay. I would have finished these sooner. There’s a lot going on with my life. Let’s just say - it was quite the gamble to toss everything around at once, and succeed in doing so. A little background about the judge (myself). I live near two casinos. I am intrigued about this prompt and I hope I can feel the ambiance, and feel right at home. Who will win this challenge? Place your bets! Don’t focus too much about the scores. My blood and sweat are more involved with the critiques. The numbers are not a precise evaluation of how I feel about your pieces. If you would like to talk outside the score thread, send me a PM. I’ll be happy to mentor you. Good luck!


*AtleanWordsmith*
“_*Roulette”*_
SPaG: 4.7
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 5.6
 Overall: 14.3

 The title points out to a specific game at the casino. That’s always a nice direct route for the reader to understand something from this story before it unfolds. Instantly, the reader can have an idea of the location and the game being played. I am a little intrigued.


 The introductory dialogue is interesting. I’ll give you that. 







 Originally Posted by *AtleanWordsmith* 

 
There was really no optimal time for this..



Drop the ‘really’ as it’s not ‘really’ necessary. 






 Originally Posted by *AtleanWordsmith* 

 
Basically, we grabbed Connolly's sorry ass and hauled him down into the subway station..



Where else would the subway station be located? ‘Down’ seems a bit redundant. ‘Basically’ doesn’t help any. Just haul his ass. Just do it. 
 I feel as if the dialogue takes more out of the quality of your story. Although the profanity depicts the personalities, I am not too fond with the excessive use. I like how the story goes straight to the point, but that also makes the story bland. There’s potential to refine this story to make it more engaging and rewarding. Give us an adventure we want to remember for good merit. 
 Thanks for sharing.


*Potty*
*Scratch.*
 SPaG: 4.9
 Tone/Voice: 2.5
 Effect: 3.6
 Overall: 11


 The prompt gives the illusion of a game of chance. Your title provides the impression of a coin, a scratch ticket, and a desire to win. We’ll see what happens. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
He can't see me watching as he scratches, I made sure of that.



Okay, a little awkward. What is he scratching? Is this a game of scratch and sniff?  Reminder: the audience might be unaware of a themed prompt. Give this more life. Don’t be too ambiguous. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
He didn't even see me pass as I entered the shop, too busy matching symbols.



Again, give the reader an idea of what kind of shop. Convenience store? Corner store? Package store? Had I not been familiar with the connection between the prompt and the title, “matching symbols” would be foreign at this point. All we know, without any regard to the prompt, a man is scratching and matching symbols. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
Couldn't help but judge him as he fumbled a penny out of his pocket and set to work on the thick wad of card



Thick wad of card(s)? Again, what cards? Don’t assume everyone plays the lottery. You can’t buy scratch tickets everywhere you go. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
His clothes are almost worn out, his face unwashed and his hands calloused and well worked.



I suppose this gives an idea of his character. It’s awfully bland, but I am sure he’s a nice guy and means well. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
I watch him through the shop window between a gap in the hand written adverts as he demolishes one card after another.



Again, what kind of shop? Give us the environment. ‘Demolishes’ is a strong word for a scratch ticket. He’s not seeking to destroy. He’s seeking to win. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
Three, six, nine, twelve quid gone and still no return.



At this point, if the reader isn’t aware of this man’s intentions for scratching random cards (of chance), they’ll be confused about the expected return. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
Two hours wages scratched away without a thought when it looks like he can barely scratch a living.



Did you mean, “Two hours worth of wages” or even .. “two hours worth of hourly work” - something alike? Be clear. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
He turns over a fresh card and I wonder if this time he'll find some joy, if not this time then surely the next.



This sentence doesn’t add anything ... new. It adds something. It adds your commitment and hope to see success. It adds something from the bystander’s POV. You give a shit about his luck. Why else would you be staring at a man scratching tickets? Unless you’re bored, the reader should already understand that you’re watching and patiently waiting. This whole time you’ve been watching the same process. Scratch. Sign of disappointment. Turn. Scratch. Sign of disappointment. Turn. Again, give this more life. You either take it out or address it effectively. Engage the reader. We want the same for the man as well. If not, make us want the same for the man. 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
The last card reveals no winning numbers, no pot of gold or four leaf clover... His numbers will never weigh more than the numbers shown.



I like the connection of numbers and symbols. However, it’s bland. Okay, now what? 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
_But_, I slyly think as I watch him bin his fortune, _perhaps mine will._



Okay, yeah? Perhaps. What are you going to do about it? 






 Originally Posted by *Potty* 

 
"Can I get a number three please?"



Again, now what? He’s going to try his luck. I wish I was more engaged. I honestly wish the man won something. Hell, I wish I knew what shop we were in! Where’s the ambiance? If it was a convenience store, at least describe the sound of running refrigerators. Turn a fan on. Give the door a few bells. Blow some wind against them. No sign of new customer, but the simple presence of nature inviting herself in. Give us the sound of an old television playing the news. What’s the era? Turn on a radio. Give this shop more life. There was more life in the Little Shop of Horrors. Wow, I don’t know. You couldn’t even describe the hand written adverts. What is he selling other than scratch tickets? Thanks for this intriguing piece. Lots of potential, but not enough to chew. 
 Thanks for sharing. 



*Untitled *
*King*
 SPaG: 4.7
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14.7


 First, welcome to Writing Forums. I’m Anthony, the New Writers’ Mentor. Oh, right. I already introduced myself in your visitor message area. Anyway,  I am intrigued. You joined and this is your first post. Well, let’s move further. Untitled. Okay. That’s good to know. Should I bother to read something untitled? Imagine your story is published. Would you read something untitled? Would you take the gamble? Well, I suppose I am intrigued to find out what’s behind the untitled piece. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
There’s a woman sitting across from me. She’s got pale skin and eyes dark enough that I’m calling them black. Same goes for her hair, and it’s emphasized by her bold eyebrows. I love that: the pale skin and dark features look. It makes her look even prettier when she’s crying – like right now, as if she should be the one crying – with her mascara running, darkening her features more.



Okay, what about the woman? Why not just call them black? Why not just say she has dark eyes and dark hair? Everything seems to be bold about her. Intriguing. You added emotion and an artistic approach to her feelings. Unique. I’ll give you that. You introduced a character and brought her distinct facial features under the spotlight. Now, give the reader more. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
In between us is a table. It’s long – long enough that I couldn’t immediately grab her if she were to run.



Does the table length matter? Why would she run? What’s chasing her? What’s hurting her? 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
On top of the table are just five items. They’re the only things that matter in this house. There’s a bottle of red wine in the center, half empty. In front of each of us is a wine glass, each filled to the top. The only difference is this is my fifth drink and she hasn’t taken a sip. She’s just staring at me with those leaking Bambi eyes.



Drop the ‘just’. Be blunt. Five items sit on top of the table. Okay, now we’re in a house. I am glad there’s some ambiance to this story. Okay, did she drink the wine already?  Okay, thanks for the confirmation. What are leaking Bambi eyes? I suppose I could use that line on women. “Hey baby, can I wipe your leaking Bambi eyes? Want a hug?” Oh deer, no. No. No. I can’t do that. Please, for the love of Bambi, could you describe that differently? It’s distracting, especially if someone isn’t familiar with Bambi. Let alone the connection to a crying deer. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
“Drink,” I say in the same manner as I’ve done multiple times. Red splashed the table – everything she does has a tremble to it – as she raised the glass to her lips. It’s funny: the effect the fourth item on the table has. Before, she’d just shake her head when I told her to drink. Now, me just placing my hand on the gun changes everything. I don’t even know how to use this thing. It’s her husband’s.



How many times have you said this already? I don’t find that amusing. Wait, what gun? This escalated rather quickly. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
She’s pouring herself a second glass now. I’ve always been able to hold my drinks better, I’m glad she’ll be joining my head in the fog soon. As she drinks, she’s staring at me, glancing at the fifth item every few seconds. Trying to communicate, I’d imagine. I told her not to speak and she’s good at following directions.



I’ll give you credit for the relaxing vibes. The gun ruined it though. I am not sure what to expect at this point. Has she stopped staring at you to stare at you again? Has she returned staring at you? The last time I checked, she has been staring at you. Present perfect continuous. An action that has imitated in the past, and is still going on. This dialogue seems to drag despite the colorful imagery of sadness, red wine, and a random house with nothing else to its name. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
I said the five items are the only things that matter here – that’s a lie. Her husband’s a cop, or well, he _was_ a cop. He’s in the corner in the room next to us, dead I think.



Great, you introduce more about the husband who is now dead. What happened? Why aren’t we receiving any more information behind this murder? Is it a homicide? At this point, the reader can now understand why she’s sobbing. Perhaps, it’s you. You killed the husband with his own gun. I am so confused. I am engaged in the wrong ways. I want you to tell the story. I don’t want to guess. This isn’t a game of Clue. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
“Is that him?” I asked, dragging her towards the window, hand over her mouth. She nodded.



Well, now what? She confirmed her husband is the man on the floor. Wow. Suspenseful. 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
“Make a sound and I’ll kill him.”



It’s now confirmed he isn’t dead. Okay, that adds a nice touch of hope. Why would you do that? What did the cop do to you? What do you want from them? 






 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
I ran downstairs, grabbing the fire iron next to the fire place on the way. I fumbled for my coin when the front door opened and I hit him before I had the chance to do anything else. Then I hit him again. And again. And again. . .



Okay, was it necessary to hit him that many times? I think it would add more if you italicized the, “And again’s”. Other than that, you can omit them. It adds nothing but a bland way to say, “Well, guys, this character sucks. They kill to kill.” 







 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
Oh yeah! The coin! The fifth and most important item on the table. Hell, the oldest and most important coin in the world, as far as I’m concerned. I’m sure there are more historically significant coins out there, but this one I’ve had since I was eight. Dad gave it to me and it’s made all – or almost all – of my big decisions since then. Everyone who knows me has seen me use that coin. And because of that it’s the most important coin in the world, because I’m the thing that matters most. I hear that changes whenever you have children. I doubt I’ll have them now. I planned on it with the woman in front of me – before I knew she had a husband.



What are these items again? I totally lost track. What’s the significance behind the coin? So, this is an affair. An unintentional affair on your behalf. She didn’t tell you she had a husband. Great. The typical secret life behind the wife of a cop story. Let me guess. You’re going to flip a coin and it will tell you how to dispose the body. 







 Originally Posted by *King* 

 
So now we’re sitting here, waiting for me to flip the coin. Heads. Her phone is under my name, if I kill her, take it and leave I can get away with it. If I’m fast enough I’ll get away. It’s only one of her phones, and I’m the only person listed as a contact. No trace of me would remain. Tails. I just run. Try to disappear.



I am so confused at this point. The husband died of blunt trauma to the head. Why not just forgive her? What are you running away from other than the cops? Where are you even located? Are you out in the country? I feel as if you’re in the middle of no where to make a clean escape. 



King said:


> Red and blue lights begin flooding the room, and now I’m the one trembling and staring. Someone must’ve seen me hit him.
> Or perhaps, public safety personnel have more security. I would know. I am familiar with the PD life. Even as low as a dispatcher not showing up to work, they send a cop over to make sure they’re okay. Anyway, this ending is starting to disappoint.
> 
> 
> ...


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## Sleepwriter (Aug 1, 2016)

Congrats to the winners!  Thank you to the judges and our host!   

I'm glad I was able to give you a chuckle, that makes me smile. 

On to the next one.


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## Rookish (Aug 1, 2016)

>.< interesting month, salutations to the entrants and the judges themselves, as well as the other powers that be.


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## rcallaci (Aug 1, 2016)

Thank you All. Old Jumping Jack Jimmy Jam Jones and the devil thanks you for liking the tale. My thanks to the judge, Astro and of course kilroy. And yes 'was' was a accent thing. Also there are boar in the bayous. Those alligators love a little pig-meat. 

One hell of a batch of good stories. 


warmest
bob


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## Wandering Man (Aug 1, 2016)

Thank you to the judges for your hard work, and great feedback. These really help me learn how my writing impacts the reader as well as ways to improve how I write.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 2, 2016)

Congrats to the winners, and many thanks to the judges.  I'll always think of the LM as one of the greatest benefits WF has to offer.


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## PiP (Aug 2, 2016)

Congrats, bob!  Thank you to the judges without whom there would not be an LM. Awesome job


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## Terry D (Aug 2, 2016)

Congratulations to the winners. All three were very well crafted stories and very deserving of their places at the top of the list. My thanks also, to the judges for their time and effort. 

bdcharles -- I appreciate the specific suggestions and will keep them in mind. Thank you.

Prinzcharming -- Again the effort is appreciated.

Smith -- Thank heaven someone picked up on the story's theme. I haven't completely lost my mojo. I actually thought I was being too transparent with the lines:

_“Have you ever wondered if it’s the shit that makes you feel most alive that’s going end up killing you?”_

_“But you can be dead in a lot of ways. Some worse than others. Some start long before we end up in a box.”_

And -- _It was the same pull he felt as he pulled into the driveway of the house where Kate and the kids were waiting up for him.

__The other place where he felt most alive._

All being within 650 words of each other. But, I guess not. My bad. Thanks.

Amsawtell -- My LM entries in the past have often gone for the juggular, with a sinister twist at the end trying to create an emotional 'gut-punch', and that has worked out well. Lately I've been going for a softer 'punch' and more subtlety. It ain't been workin'. As I mentioned above (sort of) Mark knows that gambling could kill him (in many ways), but so can the family he loves (in different ways). With that being the theme, I thought I needed those last two paragraphs. Maybe I just needed a different story? Thanks, in any case. Judging is no picnic.

Again, congrats to rcallaci, danielstj, and PiP. Next time maybe I'll bring back the blood and guts.


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## godofwine (Aug 2, 2016)

Congrats to the winner, placers, entrants and thanks to the judges. I've been working on improving my dialogue, and this was an opportunity to do just that. I'm still confused about commas, but, meh, everything is a work in progress. It's fun, and I had fun writing it. 

The Cavs won the title and people in Cleveland are still on cloud 9 singing with the Temptations (old people joke - though I'm only 39).


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## midnightpoet (Aug 2, 2016)

Congrats, Bob and the other winners - that was a killer of an opening hook.  Opening with an eccentric, interesting character will get me every time.  Got me hungry for some crawfish gumbo (with Zydeco players in the background.):grin:


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## gohn67 (Aug 2, 2016)

Congratulations to rcallaci, danielstj, and PiP for receiving the top scores. Haven't read your stories yet, but will do so now.

And much thanks to the judges for their time reading and scoring all the entries this month. It's much appreciated, because the judges are so integral to LM.

I think this was the first LM I've entered since the first incarnation of the LM was first created many many years ago. So this was fun, interesting, and a good learning experience for me having to write to a prompt and word limit.


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## escorial (Aug 2, 2016)

well done


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## PrinzeCharming (Aug 2, 2016)

*Congratulations
rcallaci*, *dannielstj *and *PiP*! 

*Honorable Mentions
*
to the remaining entrants!

*Special Thanks*
 to all the staff involved for another 
successful competition. 


​


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## Bard_Daniel (Aug 2, 2016)

Thanks for all the scores and comments judges! And congratulations Pip and rcallaci!


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## Potty (Aug 3, 2016)

Thanks for the scores, guys! Shame mine didn't quite hit the mark with everyone:



> I see by the plethora of medals, including published writer, you can write, but perhaps chose not to showcase yourself here



I say, Old Bean! :shock::grin:

Congrats to the winners!


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