# Cosmos



## Pelwrath (Jul 3, 2018)

I've rewritten this poem over the past few days.  Hope this is an improvement. Here is the original: https://www.writingforums.com/threads/174597-Cosmos-A-Combine-poem

*COSMOS*

Streaking meteors seen on a still and clear night
Stars wink at the moon's reflected stolen light
Dark Elysian Field, portents backdrop
Symphonic delights for our senses.
What makes mankind blind, deaf and dumb?
They revel in the noxious immersion of their mortality.
Do even we understand the dancing on the ethereal stage?
The desire to conquer death denies destiny.
Is our wisdom such that we know their destiny?
Cries from billowing clouds, produce odes of beauty.
Poems are dreams personified


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## jenthepen (Jul 4, 2018)

I'm pleased that you came back to this poem, Pel. I'm on a small tablet keyboard and finding it quite annoying so I'll come back and leave a proper message when I get back to my laptop later. Thanks for sharing this update on your very first poem that you posted here.


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## Pelwrath (Jul 4, 2018)

Thanks, I wanted to, and felt the need to. I spent 4 days recently staining the front of the house in this sweltering heat.

I still like the two styles used together in the original. A poems purpose is to reach the reader. That version didn't. I'am now able to view it through different eyes. More experienced, critical, and protective. Can I remodel this poem and still keep it;s purpose and intent? You've all helped me along this path and in a way I'm coming full circle.


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## jenthepen (Jul 4, 2018)

We're having a protracted heatwave in the UK too and that's really unusual here. Like most people, I enjoyed it at first but now, into week 3, I'm struggling to cope with it and trying to keep up with watering the garden and keeping the plants alive is becoming a real pain. Bring back the good old English rain!

I'm pleased that you have revisited this poem and impressed by the way you have used a completely different approach yet manage to keep the message and the feeling underlying the words. I think you will connect with more people with this version but remember that Olly enjoyed the original and I'm sure many others would, once they understood the way it was constructed. That is often the trouble that creative writers face - anything experimental or unusual often goes unappreciated. Anyway, by having these two versions, you have managed to showcase your ability to write from a range of approaches and that has to be a good thing.

I've made a few comments where I think you might consider making small changes but, as ever, only you can decide what's right for your creation.
*

COSMOS*

Streaking meteors seen on a still and clear night
Stars wink at the moon's reflected stolen light (You have created a good strong atmosphere right at the start of your poem. Great!)
Dark Elysian Field, portents backdrop (should that be portent's?)
Symphonic delights for our senses.
What makes mankind blind, deaf and dumb?
They revel in the noxious immersion of their mortality. (How about changing this from a question to a positive statement and maybe inverting the two lines?)
Do even we understand the dancing on the ethereal stage?
The desire to conquer death denies destiny.
Is our wisdom such that we know their destiny? (Destiny is used twice in close proximity. Could the same thing be said in a different way?)
Cries from billowing clouds, produce odes of beauty.
Poems are dreams personified 						

Your poem evokes questions in my mind and makes me think about the way we stumble through life, concentrating on unimportant details whilst the majesty of existence passes us by unnoticed. That is quite a powerful message to convey in 11 lines. Well done!


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## Pelwrath (Jul 4, 2018)

I'll look at doing that jen. I go back to work tomorrow so it'll be on my weekend docket.  Stay cool and hydrated in the heat and thanks for your comments and suggestions.


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## Pelwrath (Jul 6, 2018)

*COSMOS  original*

Streaking meteors seen on a still and clear night
Stars wink at the moon's reflected stolen light
Dark Elysian Field, portents backdrop
Symphonic delights for our senses.
What makes mankind blind, deaf and dumb?
They revel in the noxious immersion of their mortality.
Do even we understand the dancing on the ethereal stage?
The desire to conquer death denies destiny.
Is our wisdom such that we know their destiny?
Cries from billowing clouds, produce odes of beauty.
Poems are dreams personified












*COSMOS revision*



Streaking meteors seen on a still and clear night.
Stars wink at the moon, reflecting stolen light.
Portents backdrop; Dark Elysian Fields, 
Symphonic delights for our senses revealed.
Mankind revels in the noxious immersion of their mortality.
Is that why they are blind, deaf and dumb?
Do we see, hear and speak, when dancing on the ethereal stage?
The desire to conquer death, denies fate.
Is our wisdom such that we know their destiny?
Cries from billowing clouds, produce odes of beauty.
Poems are dreams personified.


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## jenthepen (Jul 8, 2018)

I like what you've done with the first four lines, Pel. If you read these lines out loud you'll see that you have set up a strong rhythm and rhyme (abab). It's a little jarring to then get to the fifth line which is much longer and doesn't follow the same rhythm. If you want to word your poem this way, you could put a line break after the fourth line and then make the change of rhythm - that would feel smoother to the reader I think.

On the subject of the fifth line, don't _revel_ and _immerse_ mean much the same thing in this context? I think you could convey the meaning and message of this line and the next by wording it more succinctly and making it a positive statement instead of an indecisive question. Something like this...

_Reveling in their own mortality
mankind becomes blind, deaf and dumb._

If you like the idea of the statement versus the question, you could reword the later lines in a similar way but it is up to you of course. 

I like what you are saying in this poem and think it's worth the effort you are putting in. :thumbr:


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## Pelwrath (Jul 8, 2018)

Thanks so much for your time and suggestions. Stanza's how simple ans why didn't I think of that? Oh well, I'll work on it a little tonight.


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## shedpog329 (Jul 15, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> *COSMOS*
> 
> *(Just an example of an edit)*
> 
> ...




Hey Pel, this poem has a lot of potential.  If it were mine, I think I would lighten the language a bit in certain areas, just a little here and there/
Also, some of the grammar is a little off, I'll point out what I mean below.


*Streaking meteors* *(Reverse these words remove the ing from Streaking)* *seen* (Remove seen) *on (change to across)* a still and clear night 
*(It will read like Meteors streak across a still and clear night)  This will make the the opening line a bit more **accessible
*
Stars wink at the moon's *reflected stolen* (Remove either reflected or stolen, don't need both) *light (I would remove the rhyme, maybe a more gentle word)
**(So its either going to read "Stars wink at the moons reflected gentleness, or Stars wink at the moons stolen gentleness")
*
Dark Elysian Field, *portents(Remove portent, too wordy, too many definitions for the word without a clear connotation of which one you mean to express)* backdrop * (I'd also reverse the lines between the commas so that Dark Elysian Fields come after it)
**(I'd structure it something like "The backdrop, a dark Elysian Field")*

*Whispers* symphonic delights *to *our senses. I'd add a verb before "Symphonic" to drape under the above line, maybe something like "Whispers" 

What makes mankind blind, deaf and dumb?                             *Good!*
They revel in the noxious immersion of their mortality.

Do *they even *understand the dancing on the ethereal stage? (Change we to "they" to keep up with the rest of the poem)

The desire to conquer death denies *their *destiny.  (I would add "their" just to maintain the clarity of whose "destiny we're talking about)

*Is our wisdom such that we know their destiny?  (Omit this line all together, its a little too winded. Not sure if its necessary in the poem)*

Cries from billowing clouds, produce odes of beauty.
Poems are dreams personified
*
Perfect ending

*


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## Pelwrath (Jul 15, 2018)

Shepdog;

  Thanks for your suggestions and the time to read my poem.  The very first original was a combination of two styles (click the link in the first post)  Symmetrical Alliteration and Free Style. I was going for a point counter point style.  I do like your comments and I'll look at them, maybe two versions.


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## shedpog329 (Jul 15, 2018)

Ahh I see, just clicked on your link to the original.  I hadn't heard of Symmetrical Alliteration until now but from the looks of it, it appears the alliteration occurs at the first and last word of a line, rather then progressing continually one after the next.  

So for example with your first line, it would sound like

"Meteors streak smearing midnight"

Or you can do..

"Meteors streak on a clear and still midnight"

I think either is acceptable. Two of the examples I saw resembled the first way while one resembled the second.  I'm not really too sure if the alliteration must take place inside of the beginning and ending words.  Based on the third example I do see it now in the last line as well as L4.


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## Pelwrath (Jul 16, 2018)

In SA the alliteration occur in pairs. Starting with the outside words(first and last) then working to the center. Each pair starting with the same letter. In many cases I have a middle word that isn’t paired.


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## shedpog329 (Jul 16, 2018)

Hrmm, I'm gonna say your most likely the expert in this case.  Maybe you could highlight where you've exampled SA so that I can better understand where your applying the technique?


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## Pelwrath (Jul 16, 2018)

This is from Wikipedia:

There is one specialised form of alliteration called [/FONT]_Symmetrical Alliteration_[/FONT]. That is, alliteration containing [/FONT]parallelism[FONT=&Verdana],[SUP][9][/SUP][FONT=&Verdana] or chiasmus[FONT=&Verdana]. In this case, the phrase must have a pair of outside end words both starting with the same sound, and pairs of outside words also starting with matching sounds as one moves progressively closer to the centre. For example, "rust brown blazers rule" or "fluoro colour co-ordination forever". Symmetrical alliteration is similar to palindromes[FONT=&Verdana] in its use of symmetry.


For the most part, this style or perhaps my use of it wasn’t well recieved, though I very much enjoy it. However, as a poet my responsibility is to reach the reader and this style and my combining it with free style and the comments it has received indicated to me that the large majority of readers had issues with it.  Hence I wasn’t doing my job.[/FONT]


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## shedpog329 (Jul 16, 2018)

Ya, this is what I read also.  I don't necessarily think that this device is technically a form of poetry but rather a technique used within a poem. So you could use this technique once in the poem and the rest can be completely free from and it's still okay.  For the most part, you did that so good job
I do think the language needs to be a little lighter in certain areas but as far as this technique is concerned I think you just about nailed it in the last line


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