# Confessions of a Neurodivergent



## Darkkin (May 16, 2021)

Anyone with a neurodivergent diagnosis, (ASD, ADHD, ADD, Bipolar, Depression, Dyslexia, Schizoaffective, OCD, TS...etc.), has reached a point when they meltdown because of an overload of sensory input, anxiety, emotions or a combination of the aforementioned.  I find that it is easier to process the fallout if I sit down and articulate the morass that nearly chokes you in that moment.

One of my biggest was the day we moved to the old house.  It was a busy day.  I did all right until about 7:00pm when all I wanted was a bowl of cereal and the stupid spoons were nowhere to be found.  It was a ridiculous thing, but it was one thing to many.  Full blown meltdown.  I went in my room, shut the door and turned REM's The Great Beyond up as loud as it would go and proceeded to rage sort my library until 4:00am when I reached complete physical shutdown.

Second time we moved, to the current house, I got thought the first day, but the next morning I wanted a bowl of cereal...Again, fate mocked me.  I found the spoons this time, but no bowls.  The tote with all of the dishes was still in the garage.  Trigger meltdown.  Rage sorted the kitchen and purged all of our old tupperware, which at that point I didn't even know why we bothered to move. (My best friend, bless her, heard me slamming around and came to check on me.  I looked up, told her I was not mad at her, just mad about something really stupid, which was the truth.  A truth that made me even angrier because it was idiotic to be mad about a bowl of cereal. And she just left me to my task.)

When I get tipped over the edge, I need space and motion, whether it is a sorting chore, my yoga ball, or a swing at the park...I keep moving until I force a physical shutdown.  Reach that level of tired and your brain literally cannot keep yammering.  Sleep is its only recourse.

There are other episodes before I had an ASD diagnosis that now make a lot of sense.  Times after family gatherings when I would end up with a severe migraine that reduced me to tears.  These were a result of my senses trying to regulate after an overload.  My migraines, (which I've suffered from since I was really little) are one thing that has improved significantly since I got an accurate diagnosis.  I now have tools that help me identify overload before it happens and take steps to prevent a meltdown.

Why am I talking about this here?  Well, my ASD is a hardwired shortcut to my creative matrices.  The emotions that I cannot effectively articulate verbally often trigger a glass rabbit idea that I can express constructively through my writing.  And with ND brain, having a constructive outlet...is a very good thing.


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## bdcharles (May 17, 2021)

Great writeup. I have to be honest: I'm not sure whether I was meant to chuckle at the repeatedly-thwarted cereal goal or expressions like "rage sort my library" (a contender for 'finest phrase I've seen this month') but that is what I did. Either way I am glad your brain works as it does because we wouldn't have those wonderful creations otherwise.


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## Darkkin (May 17, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> Great writeup. I have to be honest: I'm not sure whether I was meant to chuckle at the repeatedly-thwarted cereal goal or expressions like "rage sort my library" (a contender for 'finest phrase I've seen this month') but that is what I did. Either way I am glad your brain works as it does because we wouldn't have those wonderful creations otherwise.




The deal breaker cereal didn't seem funny in the moment, it is just the one more thing wrong.  However, once you work through the overload, it is something that you can laugh about.  It is something you almost need to laugh about in order to process it.  Because how many people move twice and cannot find the cereal tools both times?  Kindergarteners can do cereal, but here I am, a grown up, who can't.  It is a situation that is by turns ridiculous and relatable and it helps others to understand what overload can look like.  Me, nearly hysterical about a cereal bowl...

Many people are actually surprised when they find out I have a spectrum diagnosis.  One, I'm female and two, I communicate extremely well when I chose to do so.  I am highly proficient masker.  I have also had an ND label since age 3 when I was diagnosised with ADHD.  People knew about that and figured my slips were all part and parcel with that.  No one ever really noticed I liked my own company (and that of my dogs), repeatedly rode my bike over the same route for hours on end, my fascination with swings, or swimming an insane number of laps because I loved the rhythm.  These were all things I did on my own time, away from other people.

I was in undergrad when one of my professors noticed a couple of little things I did.  My chronic use of headphones, the fact that I preferred curling up in a quiet corner on the floor, and an incessant wiggling of my feet when I used a chair.  My professor approached me and asked if I had been screened for NDs.  I told her about my ADHD, but that was the only issue they found.  Given the time that had passed since then she suggested getting another assessment.   Now, very curious, I did.

At the time, I was diagnosised with what was known as Aspergers, a 'high' functioning form of autism. (More on the  labels later.) Many of my symptoms mimic my ADHD, but others like my small obsessions with music and motion, did not.  The hyperfocus, the niche interests, the encyclopedic info dumping, and social awkwardness did...it was a near perfect chameleon comorbidity.  ASD/ADHD.  Great more letters.  Where do we go from here?  Like Hermione, I went to the library.


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## -xXx- (May 17, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> Great writeup. I have to be honest: I'm not sure whether I was meant to chuckle at the repeatedly-thwarted cereal goal or expressions like *"rage sort my library" (a contender for 'finest phrase I've seen this month')* but that is what I did. Either way* I am glad your brain works as it does* because we wouldn't have those wonderful creations otherwise.


_-ditto-
-be gentle with yourself-_


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## Darkkin (May 17, 2021)

Unmasked Beneath the Mask...

Over the course of the past year masks have become a bone of contention for many.  I've been fine wearing one for a variety of reasons, (mostly due to a surfeit of risk factors I have.)  Anywho...burying the bone, and getting back on track, one major reason I really appreciate my mask is because I don't have to wear my 'normal' mask for hours on end.  Given the fact that my 'normal' mask has been honed on the frontlines of retail it has acquired elements of Vulcan stoicism or blank kitty stare...e.g. (I will not laugh at the 'funny' replies to a question such as, 'Anything we can help you find?'  Customer: 'My sanity?'  Not funny, dude.  Not in the least, so blank look...and awkward silence stretches.  That silence doesn't bother me one bit, but hopefully it serves as a reminder that a simple no thanks suffices.  Being 'clever' is never clever.)

Ask just about any ND and they will tell you that maintaining a 'normal' affect can be extremely hard.  The fact that our differences and unconscious stims are wrong is hammered into our heads at a young age.  To avoid reprimands and continuous badgering, we mask, suppressing what for us is a way to regulate our nervous systems.  Girls tend to get really good at masking at a very early age, which is one of the leading reasons for missed/late diagonsises among the female ASD population.   Current statistics are 1 female to every 4 males diagnosises.  That number itself has double since 1985 when it was a 1:8 ratio.

My face can 'talk' without offending anyone because no one can see if I'm making a weird expression behind the fabric.  Having smaller features and slightly larger glasses, people really don't see much beyond the patterns on my mask.  I am very good at maintaining Vulcan eyebrows, so people are totally unaware if I crinkle my nose, grimace, or quietly smile at something I overhear.  It is a small thing, a bit like having the house to yourself because everyone else is gone for the weekend.  A moment of ND 'normal'.


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## Darkkin (May 18, 2021)

Things I find, don't need, and now own...Sadly. the first book is out of print.


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## Foxee (May 18, 2021)

I really like that cover. Have never read the book.


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## Darkkin (May 18, 2021)

Foxee said:


> I really like that cover. Have never read the book.



Part of the beauty of this book, there are no words, just the black and white illustrations.  Partner it with different pieces of music and you can tell dozens of different stories.

Like Journey and Quest the story is up to the reader.  This one is really cool because it has the 3D glasses that really immerse you in the book's world.  Like Wanderer and Bad Island this is one of those books that is not just for kids.

I'm thinking I read too much...


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## Foxee (May 18, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> I'm thinking I read too much...


I have no idea what these words mean!


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## Darkkin (May 19, 2021)

I found an impossible thing:






All my violets are blooming!


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## -xXx- (May 20, 2021)

impossible
is one of my
*favorite* things!


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## Darkkin (May 20, 2021)

High Functioning is Not What You Think


High Functioning ASD with a comorbidity of ADHD is the current label ascribed to me under the current guidelines established by the DSM V, under the DSM IV it was High Functioning Aspergers and ADHD.  What the majority of folks don't know is that a label of High Functioning ASD is nothing more than an autistic individual with an IQ of 70 or above with no intellectual impairment.  It is a blanket term that fails to accurately address a spectrum of issues. e.g. Sensory processing issues, hypersensitivities, executive function issues, social and environmental interaction issues etc...

To boil it down our brains are wired very differently than NT brains, we process information in regions of the brain deemed atypical for things like language, sound, visual, and sensory input.  We don't filter out extraneous stimuli as well as NTs can.  This is why we get overwhelmed and are able to make lightspeed connections to seemingly random subjects.  Put two NDs together and watch them, listen to how they communicate with each other.  It is very different that how NTs communicate.  The NDs seem to bounce around like water drops on a hot griddle, but they understand each other perfectly.  With NTs we seem like aliens from another planet because of how we interpret our input.

From a personal standpoint, I make odd connections to the plethora of weird facts I know.  It is how I give context to my surroundings whether it is through obscure movie quotes, history facts, literary references, character archetypes, working psychology terms, a collection of prime number patterns, the fact that I know when the time is Pi or 3:14, and measure books in linear feet, and a mental map of books built on what I have seen, read, own, and shelved.  Sort of like a living card catalogue, outside of a bookstore construct it is a really weird ability, but it is an asset at work because I tend to be faster and more accurate than the computers.  An average of 3:1.  If I don't know something, I can usually track it down if I have at least two specific pieces of information about the book in question.  If I ever give you the term vaguely specific, your query does not have enough information to winnow through the flood created by linguistic coincidence.

Reading through all this burble, the fact that I'm spectrum is not readily apparent  because I have very, very good language skills and have always been oddly articulate.  I live up to my high functioning label right?  Not exactly.  The areas where I struggle are not easily seen.   When the measure of a successful day is the fact that I swept the floors, got the dishes done, and brought the garbage can up is a reality.  Yes, I work full time and I am lucky to be in a place where my ND brain is an advantage, not a burden, but I do get tired.  Even as comfortable as I am at work, and as much as I love the medium I work with, I still mask to some extent.  Many time people are genuinely surprised when I tell someone I'm spectrum, (usually after an indepth conversation on neurodivergency with folks looking for information on the subject because the term autistic/ ADHD/ADD or dyslexia has been introduced to the family dynamic.)  This is one of my niche subject interests, so when I get started, I go.  People unfamiliar with ND brains can treat such a diagnosis as a death knoll or a permanent disability.  It isn't.

Yes, there are challenges.  Everyday things like going to the DMV, remembering to renew my car tabs, going to the grocery store, and socialising are difficult.  I don't like it when people come visit (don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends, I just don't want them in my space...) because it disturbs my routines and creates chaos.  There are unknown factors in my very careful cultivated spaces.  Some things I know I could never do and really have no desire to deal with are things like home ownership and its entailed complications, I don't have to worry about.  I have a finite number of bills, which I make sure I get paid ahead of time.  I know how much I make, how much I have to pay, and when I get paid.  I work very carefully within my means.  And while I'm independent, I have never actually lived completely alone.  Due to certain cardiac complications, I'm not allowed to live alone, but even if I could, it would be a major struggle for me.  I can say for a fact that I know it would be too much to do.

I keep my world small to keep things simple.  Yes, I have pets, but they are part of the routine , good company, and a total joy.  Rue Dog actual knows when I have an issue with my cardiac function and is certified as a service animal, and Potato, is well, Potato.  I tend to be a bit of a neat freak, something my best friend (who knew about my ASD diagnosis before my mom did) puts up with because I don't have issues with doing things like basic house cleaning and dishes.  And for some weird reason, I like to shovel snow.  Something about the extreme stillness and lack of people out and about when I do it.  Stray paper clutter that accumulates in so many homes, drives me bats.  Mail gets sorted as soon as it comes in.  Shoes, bags, and outerwear get put away as soon as you come in the door.  Crap does not get left out on the table or counter.  You cook, you run water in the sink and do the dishes as you go.  You do not leave a mess in the common areas.  As a result of my rather inflexible environmental standards our group of friends tends to think our house is weirdly neat.  No blankets left on the couch, no unmade beds, drifts of dog fur on the floor, and fresh vacuum tracks in the basement.

Routine keeps me grounded, it keeps me on time, and it keeps the chaos to a minimum.  There are times when it can be a struggle to get chores done because physically my systems say:  Enough.  My brain says:  Enough.  And yet I know I need to get these things done or the anxiety and guilt will build.  I've had to work to train my brain to understand that once the chores are done, I get to enjoy the shimmer of a clean house and the peace of mind of knowing that the chores are done for another day.  And sometimes it can be a real battle to do the simple thing, the right thing because you just want to sit down and read.  To be able to stop thinking for a little while and get lost in a niche dive.  But the chores don't go away, it looms like a great black spectre growing larger and more terrible than ever before.  You feel like you live in one of the homes featured on Hoarders because there is a little drift of dog hair on the floor or a cereal bowl in the sink.  It is not a rational process, and you know you are being ridiculous, but still this is what your brain is telling you.  If you stop, you will fail.  And if I end up with chaos in my home space, I know I will melt down because my routines had been up ended.

If I need to do a project like painting, which we did a couple of years ago, I plan.  I set time aside and I face the project head on, get it done, and remove the source of the chaos.  You consciously work to avoid situations that can and will lead to a meltdown. 

In all actuality, I have a much steadier and safer environment and support system than many on the spectrum.  In this respect I am very, very lucky.  I have people who understand when I do meltdown and don't take offense when I simply cannot people another moment.  They also take time to listen when I explain why I am upset.  And that is another odd thing, I don't get mad at a person, I get upset about the action or situation, not the individual.

It is very rare that I take a person into active dislike, in which case I take care to avoid the individual at all cost and cease to communicate or interact with them because the effort is simply intolerable.

If I chatter at you with a surfeit of seemingly random facts, bits of history, or Star Trek jokes it just means I'm okay being around you.  If I mention Potato Cat or Rue Dog you know I'm comfortable with you.

This is high functioning autism...


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## Darkkin (May 23, 2021)

I did the dishes because I wanted butterscotch pudding.  I categorically refused to make anything in a disorganized kitchen, so I cleaned up the smattering of dishes, destroyed the kitchen and returned it to order because I wanted one weirdly specific food. 

This is something I try to do about once a week and it usually involves things like meatballs, mashed potatoes, spaghetti, or tacos.  Leftovers get used up and I don't have to worry about what to have for dinner.  

Food sameness is one of the most common markers of ASD.


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## Taylor (May 23, 2021)

What is NT?


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## Darkkin (May 23, 2021)

Neurotypical.  Basically it means the brain processes sensory input like it should.  Neurotypicals have the ability to correctly read and interpret social cues and respond in a regulated manner to their environment.  Neurotypicals are able to function at a frequency that is in tune with societal norms.

Neurodivergents or NDs struggle to interpret the contradictory sensory information we take in.  With NDs our central nervous systems are usually in overdrive, akin to flooring the gas in the car, while you are stuck in second gear.  (Apparently I've heard the Friends theme song one too many times.)

Have you ever seen Singin' in the Rain?  These scene where the sound is out of sync with the picture?  NDs are out of sync, always...either ahead or behind, never in step.


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## Taylor (May 23, 2021)

I relate to many of the things you speak of, but as far as I know, I am NT.  But I'm wondering though, rather than people being purely one or the other, is there a spectrum with NT on one end of the scale and ND on the other end?

I apologize if this sounds rude or naive.   I have a very analytical mind which means I question everything. It gets me into trouble all the time.

But I'm very interested to learn more about this.


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## Darkkin (May 23, 2021)

That's where it smacks into a wall.  It is not a linear, straight line scale.  It is a spectrum, like a colour wheel, with each individual shaded with their own unique combinations.

Me. I'm hyperarticulate, but I struggle to communicate with my peers because the context in which I couch my explanations is greektastically rarefied.  e.g. Vulcan humour and muppet speak.  I also have a tendency to be rigid to the point of shattering on certain processes.

Because it is a spectrum there will be occasional overlap for NTs, but it is not the  chronic system overload that an ND brain experiences every moment of every day.

No one is a little bit autistic or ADHD, you either are an ND or an NT.  Spectrum diagnoses are about 1: 58, but studies as recent as 2020 are suggesting that the rate is as high as 1:41, with a ratio of 1 female: 4 males.  Even now, those numbers are being challenged because of the model developed to diagnose ASD is designed to pick up autistic traits in children, more specifically boys.  ASD in the female population presents very differently and because girls learn at a very young age to mask and mimic socially acceptable norms, we can hide very well in plain sight.

Anybody looking at or interacting with me for less than an hour would never know that I'm on the spectrum.  I tend to stay quiet around those I don't know, unless directly addressed.  People just assume I'm either stuck up or extremely shy.  Neither is correct.  I just generally prefer to avoid people because they require a huge investment of energy.

It is a physicological difference in how the brain is wired and processes information.  There is a reason these are listed as neurological disorders as opposed to personality disorders.  Executive function and social interactions are among the areas most impacted.  It isn't just poor study habits, impulsive decisions, and an inability to sit still.  It is listening to the same five songs on repeat for months on end, it is hyperfocus on weirdly specific interests, and a chronic need for sensory input, (e.g. the tactile feel of a favourite book, the obsessive use of a swing, a yoga ball that serves as a desk chair, bouncing toes on the floor to crack them, an odd tolerance for very hot water, etc...)

Some decent sources for background reading, The Disordered Mind by Kandel, Neurotribes by Silberman, Divergent Mind by Nerenberg, and The Power of Different by Saltz.


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## Taylor (May 23, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> Some decent sources for background reading, The Disordered Mind by Kandel, Neurotribes by Silberman, Divergent Mind by Nerenberg, and The Power of Different by Saltz.


Thanks, I will check those out!


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## Darkkin (May 23, 2021)

Taylor said:


> Thanks, I will check those out!




Abnormal psychology, which includes neurodivergence is one of my hyperfocuses...I tend to info dump on the subject, not an endearimg character trait.  Made for a handy second minor in undergrad work.


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## Taylor (May 23, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> Abnormal psychology, which includes neurodivergence is one of my hyperfocuses...I tend to info dump on the subject, not an endearimg character trait.  Made for a handy second minor in undergrad work.


Like I say, I relate to so much of what you say, for example, "It is listening to the same five songs on repeat for months on end."  I will follow up on the reading.


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## bdcharles (May 24, 2021)

Darkkin said:


>



This is brilliant


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## Darkkin (May 24, 2021)

bdcharles said:


> This is brilliant



I never understood other people's fascination with Friends, but I do geek out on Harry Potter.  This cropped up in one of my media feeds a while back and I concur that it is, indeed, brilliant.  It is one of my favourites to dig out when stuff gets to be a little much.  The Axis of Awesome Four Chord Song, John Williams is the Man, and Bad Lip Sync Seagulls are a few others.


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## Darkkin (May 24, 2021)

I left my book at home...on purpose.  Less than ten pages to go, and I left it.  Why?  Because it is a favourite comfort read and I knew I had errands to run after work, so I wanted something to look forward to after dealing with the shopping and traffic.

It took about two minutes to finish once I picked it up again, but it was worth the wait.  That, and knowing the shopping is done lend a small sense of achievement to my day.


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## Taylor (May 24, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> I left my book at home...on purpose.  Less than ten pages to go, and I left it.  Why?  Because it is a favourite comfort read and I knew I had errands to run after work, so I wanted something to look forward to after dealing with the shopping and traffic.
> 
> It took about two minutes to finish once I picked it up again, but it was worth the wait.  That, and knowing the shopping is done lend a small sense of achievement to my day.


I can totally relate!  A comfort read is a better reward than anything else.  Better than caviar...chocolate cake...cabernet sauvignon...


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## Darkkin (May 24, 2021)

Niche interests in context...


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## Darkkin (May 26, 2021)

Have you ever watched those organizing videos on YouTube that people find so satisfying?  I'm guessing most of us have at some point.

My first thought when I see a lot of them is A) I cannot afford to pay for that many organizers, bins, bulk items etc. (Those coupon shows, those give me nightmares at the sheer amount of choas and work they are willingly bringing into their homes.)

B) Unless you have a family of 3+ or entertain a lot, having that much food in house seems a bit ridiculous.

C) There is no way they have pets and no cleaning services, especially with even a small, floofy dog.  I live with a medium floofy dog...I have seen the power.

D) When after working 40+ hrs a week do they have the time and the energy to first remember to do these things, set up to do these things, do these things, then film themselves doing these things.

E) Arrange my books by colour and I will not be responsible for the mayhem I commit against the offender.  My library is sorted by subject for Nonfiction (by size for aesthetic reasons tallest to smallest), Fiction (genres together, authors within the genres together, formats together mass market, trade paper, hardcover).  The big bookcase upstairs, assembled completely by memory.  That is where the favourites live.

A win in my week is a planned grocery run, so I can cook once and have leftovers for the next few days.  (We're doing porcupine meatballs and mashed potatoes tonight.)  Making sure the floors get swept, the fuzzies brushed outside, the plants watered, laundry started, and the dishes done.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you struggle with executive dysfunction, it can seem like an insurmountable task.

Brain says sit down and read.  It's my day off.  I'm an adult, I'm allowed right?  Nope.  Brain also says:  If you don't do this now your world will fall apart.  Needless to say, all my stuff with the exception of dinner is done,  before 9:00.  Get it over and done, some days that is the best I can do.


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## Darkkin (May 26, 2021)

If my work space doesn't look like this...disaster will find me.  Making meatballs and mashed potatoes for dinner.

I cheat and take blatant advantage of tools that we have, such as the electric skillet and the Instant Pot.  These tools with their timers and easily adjustable controls they make multitasking much more doable.

As anyone with executive dysfunction can attest to, multitasking can be one of the hardest things for us to do. 

It helps that we have a really nice space at this house.  The kitchen at the old house was awful.  No counter space and an awkward lay out.  Here we don't have a huge amount of counter space, but this kitchen is big enough to utilize our table and the microwave cart.

With our current setup I usually cook at least once a week.  At the old house, it was a lot if I cooked every couple of months.  How your space flows matters.

I don't usually go back for seconds, but when I do it is for something I really like.


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## Theglasshouse (May 26, 2021)

I have been told I have executive dysfunction by a speech pathologist. What does that really mean?


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## Darkkin (May 27, 2021)

Theglasshouse said:


> I have been told I have executive dysfunction by a speech pathologist. What does that really mean?




The definition of executive dysfunction as per wikipedia:

In psychology and neuroscience, *executive dysfunction*, or *executive function deficit*, is a disruption to the efficacy of the executive functions, which is a group of cognitive processes that regulate, control, and manage other cognitive processes.[1] Executive dysfunction can refer to both neurocognitive deficits and behavioural symptoms. It is implicated in numerous psychopathologies and mental disorders, as well as short-term and long-term changes in non-clinical executive control


Basically it is a struggle to do things is a smooth, efficient manner.  e.g. In the middle of an essay test, you get a random idea and you start writing about that instead of the importance of an emperor's building projects to the stability of Rome.  In the kitchen, you think you read the entire recipe, but miss a third of the ingredients, and two steps required to achieve the desired results. e.g.  Browning the meatball before adding the ingredients for the sauce.  Remembering to bring along a book that you just finished because your friend wants to borrow it.  Questioning whether or not you took your heart medication less than minute after you took it, or thinking that you had taken your dosage, but that memory was from the day before and you forgot to do it that morning.

With the speech aspect, (the dysfunction (deficits) can affect a huge range of processes, not just speech), it might mean having a clear idea of what you want to say in your head, but when voiced aloud the idea is disjointed, like the skipped steps of the recipe.  You talk faster than you process what was said.  Sometimes with me, what I say makes perfect sense because I have the context that I am basing my observations on clear in my head and everybody else is completely at sea.  This is why all too often, I find my own jokes hugely entertaining and no one else gets the humour, and even when I explain they still don't get it.  A bit like your brain runs on an AM frequency, you speak on an XM frequency, and the rest of the world hears at an FM frequency.

There are a lot of missed cues, forgotten tasks, impulsive decisions because there is just so much going on in one's head that it nearly impossible to keep everything straight.  It is why I can end up with a meltdown if my routine gets up ended, why I need to keep things just so at home, and I don't cook unless I actively plan to do so at least three days ahead of time.  These are built in fail safes to reduce fallout from the dysfunction.


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## Theglasshouse (May 27, 2021)

Thanks for the explanation. She said this ten years back and said my speech was unaffected. She advocated I use word q speech q. Since then I have learned a few tricks on writing with no non-squinters. Which imo made me seem incoherent. I have about 3 text speech programs. I try to educate myself on my ESL issues so I can write something worth publishing and that is how I have overcome some of my difficulties so far (non-squinters being a major one). I even purchased a book on creative observation recently (good for creative writing). This I did so all to help me produce a draft I think that will only have some spag or grammar mistakes. I didn't know I had dyslexia or dysgraphia at the time (ten years ago). If I sleep well I notice I make fewer mistakes. It's somewhat difficult to sleep without taking vitamins such as magnesium. It's a recent habit I do for multiple reasons.

This was over ten years ago before she told me I had that she told me to write a paragraph of a story as a sample to know if I had any brain injuries (I doubted whether I had it since I am not a doctor and once had a severe headache). I had not thought of any conflict in my head, which made it difficult to begin the story. Also, I never edited the piece. I wrote this on a piece of paper and not on a computer.  This is when I got my Asperger's diagnosis. IMO I am not sure if it extends to writing but in organizing time, I am terrible. I need to my essential routines early or my day will become even more difficult.  I need to take a shower early or it becomes more difficult.  However, by being obstinate I think I will do better than the time she told me to write a story inside of her office on a piece of paper.

The American doctor and psychiatrist said I had Asperger's syndrome, but I wasn't treated for the schizoaffective disorder which was a colossal disaster because sometimes I would hear auditory hallucinations. Then I am sort of glad my parents left the country with me because he was a poor doctor. The best doctor I have had sadly isn't helping many patients. Now with the pandemic people who are over 60 and that are doctors can't work in hospitals near where I live.

Thank you anyway for explaining to me what executive dysfunction is.

I only aspire to be a short story writer unless I somehow get an English degree. Since my parents are retired, I assume that won't happen for a good while. They have far too many medical bills. My education is not an enormous priority for them because of all their retirement plans which I respect.

Oh my writing has been called disjointed but I assume it is because of the heavy presence of non-squinters. As mentioned I know how to fix these but it took me many years with no help from anyone.


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## Darkkin (May 27, 2021)

Echolalia.  The repetition of sounds and/or phrases that one hears.  This is one of the more curious aspects of ASD.  I know I do it if I'm around people I trust.  I will literally speak Muppet and my friends don't blink, they just let me ramble in Muppet and answer back in Muppet.

Much like the picture book Dude by Aaron Reynolds, there are a thousand and one tones one can impart even when you are too tired to find the concise words.  I usually can but I take advantage of the fact, I have people who let me speak Muppet.

Movie quotes, particularly Disney, Star Trek, and old musicals, are favourites when I need to quantify an abstract concept in approachable terms.  Or when I need to use a pair of scissors I have a line for that too...

Odd words like lollop, places like Hisarlik Turkey, and Babylon bounce around in my head until I find something to do with them.  Random pieces of trivia that form into shoals of information dumps.  These start with my echolalia.

I also use it with my dogs occasionally, too.  Rue being a husky mix, is highly vocal, and as weird as it is I will get him howling and then see how much I can get him to variegate his tone.  Zwi, our nonverbal greyhound, will actually join in with noise of his own.  So far I'm the only person who has been able to get him to roo...

As a kid, I developed my own dialect of elvish (I still have the language keys) and trained my Shiba to respond to it for obedience and agility.  Nobody could figure out how to get her to do what I could because they did not speak her language.  (This particular situation should have been a red flag indicator of my ASD.  But the world saw the mask, just a kid talking to her dog.  Nobody actually listened to what I was saying or doing.) A language that developed out of odd combinations of sounds I heard and threaded together.

The fact that I have not been mailed to Oz at this point in my life is nothing short of amazing.  Echolalia is one of the odder traits of ASD, but from a sensory aspect it lends context and a bit of fun to an overwhelming reality.

One of the more entertaining aspects of echolalia...getting random people to start singing Mahna-Mahnam just by quietly repeating its refrain.


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## Theglasshouse (May 27, 2021)

As someone on the autism spectrum, my experience is when dealing with people is sometimes I avoid eye contact. That's considered pretty normal for people with Asperger's. I am also aware of sensory overload. I'm not sure about the intense headache I sensed resulted from that years ago (I am guessing it was that). It was too strong to be a headache. I speculate it happened when I worked at a school. There were too many people at the school and there were some people I just could not get along with. I didn't last there for a long time. I suspect when around too many people it triggers. I told the boss of the school I had to leave. I left because of a headache that lasted longer than normal, or maybe hours (if not mistaken). Then weeks later I got the one that did not seem normal. This extremely painful headache motivated the visit to a speech pathologist many years later.

Because I am not in an environment with many people, I suspect I haven't had that happen again. A doctor told me before you have a sensory overload, to withdraw from all activities that involve people. I wonder if social anxiety is a precursor to autism as a disease. When I was twelve years old, I had it.

Also, I was the last to talk of my family when growing up (3 years old or less but I am not sure, and it is probably wrong) and I actually learned to read faster than my brother who always studied a lot.

I suspect they should make programs for people such as me because social isolation is not healthy.

When at a different speech pathologist I was told popular questions such as reading context cues in conversations. I was told to say hello, but less obvious than that to ask them what was their hobby? What do you like to do during vacations? I also have notoriously poor facial recognition. I need to be with people for a long time or longer than normal to remember their faces. If I get burglarized odds are I would forget the thief's face.


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## Darkkin (May 28, 2021)

Social anxiety is not a precursor (good word by the way) to autism.  It is a direct product of a uniquely wired mind trying interpret FM signals at an AM frequency.

Being a weird kid and looking back on it, before masking skills are fully developed we respond honestly, but oddly to social interaction.  Info dumping, tone dysregulation, niche interest fixations, eye contact avoidance, talking too fasts, fidgeting etc...None of which is comfortable or understandable to an NT brain. 

They don't have context for ND responses, so what's the easy thing to do, avoid and ostracize the individual with the ND traits.

Oddly enough for those dealing with ND brains being in one's own company or with a small group of peers who are comfortable around someone with ND traits is a lot easier to deal with.  

Group projects at school, those were one of the circles of hell.  No one was actively mean, but it was easy enough to sense they were not comfortable around you.  That awkwardness while inert can be hugely draining.

Social anxiety is a direct result of masking. (The hiding and suppression of ND behaviours such as stims, fidgeting, reactions to sensory overload, etc..)

As far as social isolation goes, it varies person to person.  My own introversion rate is ridiculously high.  I can go without seeing or speaking to another person for a week and be prefectly content.  A majority of my friends, however, are very extroverted and take me along to things because they can.  I get adopted by peopley people because for some reason they like my snark and dorky humour.

e.g.  I got toted along to a stock car race and brought my Harry Potter book along.  Not the normal, ubiquitous paperback...but the big honkin' chonk that is Order of the Phoenix.  I can people, but I do it on my terms.


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## Theglasshouse (May 28, 2021)

That happens to me. I need to be with people I have known for a long time to not avoid eye contact. Consequently, I don't avoid eye contact with these people I have known for a long time. I feel more comfortable interacting with them socially because of this. During speech therapy I was told we must look directly at people's faces to avoid making them feel awkward. It is a good way of meeting the person without making them feel uncomfortable.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (May 29, 2021)

Really interesting thread! I'm getting tested for ADHD in about a month, 'cause it seems to explain ... a lot in my life.


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## Darkkin (May 30, 2021)

Just a pile of books, right?  Wrong.  This is what hyperfixation looks like in context.  This portion representing less than 3% of the whole in the Regency fiction that I own and have read.  A fascination since grade school (I had access to a lot of Georgette Heyer, and others of a similar ilk, growing up,) my library has had time to accrue. 

 Right now everyone is going on and on about Bridgerton by Julia Quinn, and I'm over here with the first edition paperbacks, having read them a decade and more before their meteoric rise on Netflix.  You call yourself a Regency fan because you read Pride and Prejuidice, and The Duke and I...hmm...I read it across the genres, I write it.  These are my people.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (May 31, 2021)

I know that people with ADHD hyperfixate, too. I'm not sure if what I experience counts as hyperfixation, but there's certain things like dinosaurs and metal music which I obsess over, research, and love with intense passion, and have for many years. Is that hyperfixation? 

I also have certain things which will take up almost all my brainspace for weeks at a time -- for example, I went through a few weeks where all my headspace that wasn't devoted to Jesus and school was consumed with the Guardsmen from Warhammer 40k. Every time I opened my mouth, all I wanted to talk about was Guardsmen. I'd sit down to draw or write, and everything had to be about Guardsmen (i. e. I tried to make a polymer clay relief for class, and it turned into a Guardsmen medallion). That's an extreme example, but similar things happen often (it can be short- or long-term). I just think of them as "current aesthetic interests" but they seem to be more consuming than other people's interests.  Sometimes it's even something as specific as one particular song ("Punish the Evil" by Pantokrator was one for a bit), or one individual character. 

I had the awesome experience of somebody asking me about something I really really love -- metal music -- and being actually interested! I got to talk for at least an hour about history, sub-genres, sound, the aesthetic draw, and the person was genuinely fascinated.


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## Darkkin (May 31, 2021)

Hyperfixation and focus are two of the biggest areas of overlap with ADHD and ASD.  Kind of like while I find dinosaurs fascinating, I love the weirdness of the megafauna that evolved after the KT Meteor impact.


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## Darkkin (Jun 1, 2021)

I switched over my playlist, for the first time in nearly four weeks.

It is the same five songs on random repeat at least twelve hours a day.  Reality is probably closer to sixteen or higher.  When I'm not at work, I always have music going.  Some people use noise cancelling headphones, I can't stand the weight of them, too big, so I do a sort of hypnofilter with songs that I know every nuance of.  I know the structures, the rise and fall and something in my brain meshes with the music.  Counting, counting, counting, fingering the keys of an unseen instrument.  Guess what, this is what is known as a stim.  This is the single biggest giveaway of my spectrum issues.  My hands dance like no one is watching if I don't have access to my yoga ball.  Always, especially if I'm writing there is motion and a level of rightness that is often hard to find.  Almost as if my brain and body have reconciled themselves to each other and balance has been achieved.

It is the only time my world makes perfect sense.  The music lays the patterns down, I let my voluntary muscle do what it needs to do to maintain balance on my ball (my feet do not touch the floor sized ball), and allow my fingers to talk.  Whether it is riding the currents of a quasar on the back of a cosmic turtle or trying to save the fading magic of the world to prevent a twist in reality, or just yammering about nothing in particular.  Some paint, others draw, run, cook, knit, or play video games...I let my fingers talk. 

A music change for me, is something that usually indicates a shift in mood and through processes as my writing is hardwired into what I'm listening to.  Softer edges, steady forward momentum.  Composer James Newton Howard with two of his lesser known scores.  One, Lady in the Water and the never to be spoken of Avatar the Last Airbender (live action).  Dreadful film, amazing music.  The animated series is one of my all time favourite shows.  I have watched it since the series premiere and it remains, (in my opinion), one of the greatest examples of classically told hero's journey done in recent memory.  (The Mysterious Cities of Gold circa 1984 - 1986 was of a similar ilk, but is charmingly cheesy.)

Welcome to the randomness that is an ASD brain when it stims.  To anyone else, there is no connectivity between this thought and the next, but the frame work that lives in the context of my head and supports all of this rambling allows it to make sense.  A hundred thousand points of chaos, music, storylines, things that are as familiar to me as my own scars, and above all else, the motion when I am centered against gravity and for a finite moment, winning.  Just like those end point pendulum trajectory moments, at the height of the arc on a swing, when you let go and know you won't fall.

Having the courage to let go...and ride the arc to its next high.  A simple action, but the reaction it elicits is huge.  The motion and the music together do what so many pharmaceutical companies seek to achieve.  Peace and a sense of rightness that cannot be feigned.  I work with my wiring, I listen, and let it move.  Like mediation, it harms no one and centers me in a good space, but because it is a compulsive, atypical action it is called a stim, and according to the DMS V needs to be eradicated because it is not 'normal'.

There is a reason my brain responds as it does to my particular combination of stimuli.  (Because of cardiac issues, I have a monitoring chip that tracks my function viva wifi and the data has shown that my function, which is significantly compromised, improves by an average of 17% with just the use of my music and my ball.  Rue Dog and Potato Cat trail a little bit, with a 12% uptick in function.  The data aspect in relation to everyday life really is interesting, even if it is a pain in the ass.)


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## Darkkin (Jun 2, 2021)

Found this curious origami puzzle today.  While no one else could get it to collapse back into is cube starting point, I had the thing figured out in a couple of minutes.  

I can easily solve puzzles like this but don't ask me to explain how I do it.


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## -xXx- (Jun 3, 2021)

i *want*
*rep
points!!!!*
-settles-
-for-
-soup,-
-which is,-
-by definition-
-yum-


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## Darkkin (Jun 3, 2021)

Puzzled?  Try asking Potato Cat...


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## -xXx- (Jun 3, 2021)

love the paper pattern build-in-visual-info.
some really cool wire ones out there, too.
jussayin'


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## Darkkin (Jun 4, 2021)

As a writer, I can do prose, I can do nonfiction and technical writing, but by far and away, one of my favourite mediums is poetry.  

More specifically I love the classic forms (san iambic) that specialize in end rhyme patterns.  Villanella, treza rima, trecet, etc.

Why the fascination with what is becoming archaic?  Well, it is because of the literary geometry.  The ability to make fractals and tessellations with words.  Word patterns that can transpose into dozens of different forms, much like this.



The pattern seeking wiring of my brain revels in being able to construct and created these puzzle poems.


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## Darkkin (Jun 4, 2021)

It's 85° outside.  I'm wearing a hoodie and hiding under my squish (really poofy, heavy tied fleece blanket).  I don't maintain heat well.  I'm totally comfortable when it is 90°outside amd everyone else is melting.

In air conditioning, I have to wear layers, sweater, leggings, etc., including my hand warmers, otherwise I freeze.  The one friend that is always cold...that's me.


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## Darkkin (Jun 6, 2021)

I can food!  I made chocolate cake from scratch and paired it with a homemade cream cheese frosting.  Impulse activity and it did not end in disaster, although my best friend did make a market run for me because I needed buttermilk and fresh cream cheese.


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## Darkkin (Jun 8, 2021)

I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home.  We needed Rue Dog food, milk, and another loaf of bread.  (No food sensitivities or no nos at our house. Gluten, dairy, etc... ) .  Anyway, wandering through the produce section I happened across this guy.





It's a jade plant.  I had never seen one outside of a book and couldn't pass it by.  It is now taking up residence on my plant tray in the kitchen. (Care needs are similar to those of my violets so it should do well.)

I seem to excel with pets and plants.  People, not so much.


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## Darkkin (Jun 9, 2021)

A little down time before work.  So of course, I read.  Anywho, I told Rue Dog not to sit on my book.  Technically speaking, he didn't.  He pushed my book back and sat on the dust jacket.  Really, Rue?


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## Darkkin (Jun 10, 2021)

Big Mad:  Potato Cat is an amazing cat for the most part, but he does have his moments of being an epic asshole.  It is rare for him to push things off a surface, unless it is a couple of lego figures on the bookcases downstairs.

That changed this morning.  Potato decided that pushing my radiometer (pictured above) off the side table in the livingroom would be a smart way to get my attention, so I would feed him sooner.

Nope.  He got exiled to Zwi's empty crate and stayed there while I fed the dogs and cleaned up the broken glass.  Potato did not get his demand.  Breakfast. I didn't have to say anything.  He knew he had crossed a line because at our house, you have to screw up on an epic level in order to lose your kibble.  And with all of my boys, their weakest point is their food dish.


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## Darkkin (Jun 11, 2021)

It is currently 94° outside, full sunshine.  I'm in my basement under a blanket wearing handwarmers...leaching heat from Rue and Potato Cat.  Our AC is set to 73°, but because heat rises our basement is always about 10° colder than upstairs, even with the vents closed.  But it is dim and...so quiet.

Since I was down here, I finished up the couple of miscellaneous loads of laundry, dog sweaters, utility towels, kitchen towels, dish rags, etc...which means that all the laundry is done, folded, and put away.  My kitchen towel drawer has been reoraganized, and I've cooked three times this week.  Measure life in little things and those things add up to a lot, small though they might be.


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## Darkkin (Jun 14, 2021)

When you are comfortable on the floor, the perspective can be eye opening.  Some candids of Potato Cat as I followed him down the rabbit hole.  Or in this case his little tunnel upstairs, his big five prong one is downstairs.


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## Darkkin (Jun 14, 2021)

ADHD and ASD Organisation Apps...

I come across these quite a bit as I ping around on social media.  Out of curiosity, I looked a few of them up...And stopped dead in my tracks at the micro-managing aspects of some of them.

e.g.

One app had broken laundry down into fifteen separate tasks!

My brain was suddenly screaming:  No way.  No freaking way I am doing all that!  I don't have time!  I cannot do it that way.  Not ever!

This is how an ND brain processes information.  You take a simple task and overcomplicate, what is one simple, soothing methodic chore and make it look like an impossible monster.  Fifteen steps when it should have been one task.  No way.

This is why I do not like planners or task apps.  I have my own routines that I do to keep my space neat and liveable.  If I have to take time out to schedule my routines because it is more effective I will have wasted my focus and will not do the chores I scheduled because I already expended my energy.

I time errands around work.  I'm in the car and out and about, so I just do it then.  More down time that I don't have interrupt to do an errand.  Also, by timing my life chores around my work schedule, it means that I am up, I'm moving and will get everything brought in and tidied away.  (Groceries etc...).  My mask is on for the day.

Just like if I decide to cook, I will pick up specific things at the store and clean out the refrigerator because I need to do dishes anyway.

I know all NDs are different, but that particular app example just hit a raw spot and really made it seem like the app designer assumed that all NDs are not able to do the steps of a simple task without an idiot proof list.  I had a big problem with the tone of the narrator.

I may be an ND and yes, I have challenges but I am not stupid.  I do have the functional capacity to do laundry without a task list.

I can respect the fact that things like this help a lot of people both ND and NT, but if I have to first plot out a list of tasks before I can even start an ordinary task I will walk away, plain and simple.  This is why I don't outline my writing projects, I focus my energy where it will be most effective.  Tell me I need to break laundry down into fifteen tasks before I do it.  I say phoney to that.


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## Darkkin (Jun 14, 2021)

Rue excels at many things.  Fetch is not among them.  But, hey we try.  And yes, my boys are one of my niche interests.


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## Darkkin (Jun 15, 2021)

Currently sitting on the floor under my writing table messing around on my phone.  Why, well one reason is my cords don't reach very far and that is where my power strip is.  The other, I fit comfortably.  Put my ball in front and even Rue has trouble finding me.  Potato Cat not so much.  He usually just climbs into my lap.  I think it harkens back to the whole blanket fort thing.  The books within easy reach of this spot include my Harry Potter hardcovers...Very definitely not normal.


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## Darkkin (Jun 16, 2021)

My youngest nephew's first birthday party is coming up in a few weeks.  My brother and sister-in-law, blessedly, gave me ample notification.  They live almost four hours west of me in the middle of the neighbouring state.

I'm also currently looking after a friend's kitties while she and her family are on vacation.

What does one have to do with the other, well to start, both are ripples in the waves of my routine.  Knowing how far it is to my brother's and that my car is a bit older, my best friend is lending me her vehicle for the trip.  It's a larger, newer SUV, much bigger and high tech than my trusty Malibu.  Am I worried I'm going to break something?  YES!  But all told, it is logical to use the newer, more comfortable vehicle.

So, what is something I can do to reduce my rather bird witted fear?  Practice driving the SUV with my best friend along when I go to feed the cats.  Two birds, one stone.  Ten days of practice before the big drive.

For most people, driving a different vehicle is not a big deal.  For someone with ASD it is a very big deal.  Personally, I've only ever driven five vehicles in the entirety of my life.  One being the VW Beetle I bought and learned to drive in and the old Celica, my mom taught me to drive stick on.  Small cars, not big SUVs.

I do better with small because my spacial reasoning skills are decidedly lacking.  I'll park and walk a mile to avoid having to maneuver in order to park.

Tonight was the first run and I did all right.  And for me to even try something like this is a huge step out of my comfort zone.

This is what an ND win looks like.  Trying and not making your fears into truth.  And this is also what ND support looks like.  A friend willing to take time and effort to work with me on a situation, I might otherwise bow out on because it is so far outside my comfort zone.

That simple gesture, to me, it means the world.  Because with practice, I can get used to different things.  And there are not a lot of people who are willing to take time out to work out the steps and practice.


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## Darkkin (Jun 17, 2021)

Z, one of the two kitties I'm looking after, has decided I'm all right.  He climbed into my lap this evening and his purr would have given a Harley a run for its money.  Rufus, who I know is shy, has yet to make contact, (the sniff test), but I have caught glimpses of him.

I've gotten a schedule down that works around my own work schedule.  I stopped in on my way into work this morning and surprisingly, timed thing well.  I got the cats fed and made it in on time.  For me that is a big time win.  

Becky also let me practice with the SUV on my own tonight.  Major trust right there.  I was a little leery of driving it by myself, but I made it there and back again...a tale of no wrong turns (another nearly impossible thing for me.).

I stayed a little longer than absolutely necessary because even if they don't come out, cats like a little interaction even if it is only a one sided conversation.  

In this instance, Z was happy for a snuggle session, something I haven't really had since CatCat passed.  She was a huge snuggler.  Potato Cat likes to sit on or by you, but he is not a snuggler.  He gets on you, lays down, and goes to sleep.  He'll purr a little bit, but gets irritated if you pet him.  He's a very independent soul.

Overall it was an okay day.


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## Darkkin (Jun 23, 2021)

I'm under my table again with both Rue and Potato Cat.  My best friend, bless her, is yammering on about people I have never met and have absolutely no interest in and my brain is silently screaming: Please shut up and let me be.  She needs to talk, and for the most part I can respond to a reasonable degree to the conversation.  Most of the time it is not an issue, but...I am autistic/ADHD.  I am approaching overload and I will meltdown if I cannot get away.

Tonight I am at my limit, hence my hiding under my table. Both my TV and music are on high volume.  Huge indicator I am done. I cannot deal with anybody right now.  I'm done.  Hackles are up and I have nothing left to offer anyone right now.

 I'm an adult sitting under a table.  This should be another big red flag.  Step away.  Leave me be because right now I cannot articulate what I need because I'm afraid if I open my mouth to say something it will be rude.  e.g.  The thought that is howling in my head right now.  STFU.

Because I don't want to hurt my best friend's feelings, I reduce my visibility and raise the ambient noise in my room until it becomes overwhelmingly clear that I cannot deal with active involvement right now.


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## Darkkin (Jun 24, 2021)

Potato Cat does a great job in illustrating what sensory overload looks like.  Zen kitty to  LMTFA kitty, all because of too much input.  In this case due to Dude.


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## Darkkin (Jun 27, 2021)

Recently I was put in charge of our bookshop's social media.  IG, Facebook, Tiktok etc...That being said, I needed to learn how to do a few more things with these apps and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was no where near as hard as I thought it would be.  (Having a new phone has also been a big boon for it as well.)

Anywho, the one app I had never used before was Tiktok.  Easy to use and it actually is kinda fun.  It is also a bit of a black hole.  What I found interesting is the number of NDs on Tiktok, that and the number of people who use the same patterns of music and/or information sound bite over and over.  Like this is new and exciting...nope off label remake.  Sorry, but repeating what a hundred other tiktokers are saying is not really unique.

Yes, I'm being judgy, but I know from personal experience that ND brains are among some of the most creative people one can/will encounter.  And on Tiktok, I've seen cookie cutter video after cookie cutter video, diagnostic criteria verbatim from the DSM V.  One thing I did learn is that ADD has been incorporated into the umbrella of ADHD, and (there were a few presenters that were highly original or just plain entertaining.)

As an ND individual, (an early diagnosed female ND, which is apparently a rarity), I don't like talking especially to strangers and I hate being on camera.  What do I do instead, I write.  It is a safer, much more flexible medium that has far less chance of bringing cringeworthy memories to the plate five years down the line.  Writing can be edited.  Videos on the internet are not as easy to control.  And I think that is what this boils down to for me, is control.  Control of my environment, of the information that is presented, how it is presented, and how it will be perceived.

I'm a raging neat freak.  I check and recheck to make sure there is no clutter in things I post.  Some of these other folks they're like I have ADHD so mess is just part of who I am, don't mind it.  My neatness, as aberrant as it is, is one of the ways I cope with my brain.  The patterns and ordered systems trigger a dopamine release because I know I don't have to face a disaster in my home space on a daily basis.  I know mentally such a situation would destroy me.  I watch an episode of Hoarders and guilt clean the entire house because of an anxiety spike.

I somehow managed to take what for many NDs is one of life's biggest challenges (organisation) and make it into the reward fix my brain needed.  Even among NDs my brain is a freaking unicorn.


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## Darkkin (Jun 29, 2021)

Found a new James Blunt song I'm looping.  He is one of the artists I love to do this with.  Airborne Toxic Event is another I do this with.  We are talking 24 hours a day san work, I loop one song for weeks on end. 

My listening numbers on my top 25 are insane.  But this is how I learned to regulate and focus on things like driving, chores, and homework...four chord, four count.  That simple pattern grounds me when the world is screaming choas around me.

And after wading through the yammering on TikTok about ADHD and ASD, I realise, while I do face challenges, I have more shit together than a lot of other folks.  I'm in a niche job where my unicorn brain is a boon, not a bane.  I have the ability to get my damn dishes done, laundry switched over and put away, and my boys taken care of.

Even more rare, I am not medicated for either of my NDs.  I have a gene mutation that makes me highly resistant to most medications and a metabolism that breaks them down and clears them from my systems before build up can occur.  They discovered this when I was very young.  (Dosage of a stimulant that would have stroked out a 250lb man in a 25lb kindergartner, nope, not normal.)

Yes, I have my labels, but I have one crucial advantage, I have as always loved my brain and all of its inherent weirdness.  I have never fought against it.

My world is small and neat, but impossibly vivid.  The fact that I do not fall in the 66% of those on the spectrum who deal with depression and/or anxiety.  There are some sleep issues I deal with but that is directly related to my impaired cardiac function.


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 30, 2021)

Being an aspie I am not a socially outgoing person. I assume you don't feel anxious when in the company of people. Before in middle school when they said I needed to go to a psychologist, they said that I isolated myself from other students when it was lunch break more often that not (not socializing). It might be a symptom of Asperger, not talked about a lot. Also, people like me tend to have very few close friends. My closest friend didn't know what schizophrenia was. I told him on the phone. I was then told by my doctor and family it is not wise to disclose that diagnosis. I was thinking he would not stop being my friend. Then the pandemic hit. It turns out my friend was Chinese, but born where I am from. The pandemic means I have most likely lost a friend. I remembered his phone number eight years later or more after high school (left to go to the United States to a different school). I would always dial the phone number of his house to chat. Also, I remember a teacher once saying. You are in your own little world. You have Aspergers. I didn't know it at the time. But I never went to the doctor for Aspergers until I developed my mental illness, which is my other diagnosis mentioned here. She knew and said nothing. Another ten years would pass. I got the highest standardized test score in my class in biology, (top 5% bracket in the state; with a few more points or 5 on the SOL I could have gone to a special program) so then I am thinking back, the label seems to fit. It seems to be a personality difference,


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## Darkkin (Jul 1, 2021)

I've always had insanely high standardized test scores. e.g.  99% in language based areas 90% in math, 98% in science and history, but appalling study habits.  I read, I retain.  I put it away I know exactly where it is.  Human card catalog.  Homework...meh...

The school systems thought it was solely because of my ADHD.  But being a female, an autistic female, I wonder, how obvious my ADHD had to be for my mom to have me tested at such a young age.  We are talking preschool folks...I was the only one in my entire class medicated at that age.

Looking back with the advantage of 20/20 hindsight and knowing what I do now, I know some of the signs of my ADHD were actually clear indicators of autism in females.  My obsessions with things like swings, merry-go-rounds, tire swings (spinning), bouncing toys (Apparently, I bounced my way through two bouncy horses before the age of three according to my mum.) the hyperlexia, and huge imagination were (are) all hallmark traits of autism.

The meltdowns were attributed to my ADHD and stubbornness because I was a kid.  I've had meltdowns since then and it was because of sensory overload, two of my worst accompanied by crippling migraines were directly correlated with family gatherings or big book releases at the bookshop.

The fact that they leaped to ADHD but never considered autism because of my gender just shows how far our understanding of NDs has come in the last two decades, but there is still a very long way to go.

Something that I have finally learned how to do comfortably.  Saying: I'm autistic, rather than things like I'm on the spectrum, or I'm spectrum or ASD.

Yes, I do have ADHD in conjunction to my autism, but the majority of my issues are rooted in my autism and need for routine.

And looking back on the history, of...How the hell did we miss that...I'm absolutely certain my dad was autistic and never diagnosed.  He did have other issues including ADHD and a traumatic brain injury, (I was five when it happened), but there are behaviors that I recognize and have.  Routine, food sameness, special interests, social awkwardness...and others I do not have, such as a disregard for consequences or the feeling of others.  I was terrified of consequences because it meant I did something wrong even when it was accidental.

My brother is an absolute classic presentation of ADHD with a mild learning disability.  He is much more socially adept than I ever was, didn't fight to instill order over his own chaos and wasn't fussy about foods or schedule upsets.  He is easy going and extroverted.  He is very much a people person.


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## Darkkin (Jul 2, 2021)

We have had one of these at our reference desk for the last two weeks.  I play with the dumb thing incessantly without even really thinking about it, actually mildly impressed the dumb little suction cup can hold my weight, (about 100lbs).  The sound effects it makes are just plain fun.  If you ever need to annoy  anyone someone with minimal effort, this is what you should use.

 Like my balance ball at home it gives my resistance, tension, and lift...so as stupid as it seems, I bought a set.  They affix to both the window by my bed and my writing table.  Pair that with my ball and awesomeness!  This is what sensory seeking looks like.  This is a stim.  It allows me to move and decompress and is very definitely something most people would consider very weird.

Super easy clean up and storage, as well as a great thing to have on hand when friends with kids visit.


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## Darkkin (Jul 6, 2021)

There are days that I'm very glad I have the option of wearing my physical mask.  No one can see the silent agony on your face as you fake your way through your day.  My face is out of practice on social masking, and still says things it shouldn't...Granted some of the reaction might have been induced by low blood sugar, but the five minute task ended up taking half an hour because of interruptions.


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 6, 2021)

One of the doctors tried this on me. He gave me a plastic ring, and even some relaxation exercises and recommended I listen to music. This was supposed to relieve anxiety. When my anxiety got bad it was because the doctor did not know what I was taking. When my mother didn't write down the prescription. I felt different days later and that is how my anxiety became strong enough to need medicine. But before for Asperger since medicine can have side effects, they recommended something similar to what you have in the picture. You could also put it inside the pocket and touch that if feeling a bit anxious according to some doctors.


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## Darkkin (Jul 8, 2021)




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## Darkkin (Jul 9, 2021)

After a full day at work I absolutely had to make a grocery run tonight (we're out of everything), needed to put air in one of my tires, had to pick up presents for the party tomorrow, do laundry (because the dress I want to wear is in the hamper), had to make dinner and get the dishes done...AND...

All these things are done.  Amazingly.  Without the comorbidity of my autism, I would not have been able to do all this.  Because while Ibhave executive dysfunction, my autistic need for balance and routine overrode the possibility of ADHD paralysis.  Do it or I was facing a major meltdown.  So I did it. 

While at the store, I put my headphones in, turned my music up, and jammed out to one of my loop songs.  Is it a little weird, yes, but it helps me regulate and people tend to leave me be when I let my hands talk.


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## Darkkin (Jul 11, 2021)

Well yesterday was my youngest nephew's first birthday party.  This was more people than I had seen in any one place in almost two years, (we were outside and everyone with the exception of myself (as per the advise of the entire cardiology department, whole freakin' unicorn story with myocarditis) and the kids under 12 were vaccinated.  And I did okay.

 I got to see everyone, didn't talk to a lot of people, but did contribute to conversations with my weird history facts and statistics.  I people watched and refereed when some of the smaller kids got a little overwhelmed by my brother's new 9 week old GSD.  Really sweet temperment, super smart...but she is a puppy, so she wants to play, too!

Sat down with the kids and the puppy, showed them the little things most people can do.  If she jumps up, push her off, say off.  The puppy complied.  The kids picked up on this.  If she goes after your toes, stop running, tell her no and hand her one of 'her' toys.  Again, puppy complies nicely.  Once the kids had these little tools, they relaxed around the puppy and continued with their day.

Even though she is just a baby, the puppy is still a pretty good size from the perspective of kindergartners, especially to kids who haven't grown up around puppies or larger breed dogs.  It is a little thing but I know it made the kids feel better and it helped them understand.

Anywho, I digress.  Getting back to the whole social interaction and people watching thing.  I started to wonder a bit as I watched, listened, and looked back on what I know about my family.

Watching both my mom and grandma, I asked a question I never thought of before.  Is it possible that the traits, in this case, the ADHD tendencies come from my mom's side from grandma?  And reframing the context of what I knew about my mom growing up, what I know about myself, what I know about ND diagnosises, and how far we have come in the last 30 years.

 I am nearly certain that both my mom and grandma have undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type formerly known as ADD).  The way the talk and act, (mom has the doom piles and object permanence issues). The traits and behaviors that are diagnostic criteria for the divergence are things that were totally normal within my family.  We saw it through ND context so it just made sense.

The oldest of the great grandkids (now 13) was just diagnosed with ADHD.  And there is a weird tic that my oldest first cousin, my brother, and myself all do unconsciously when we are really happy or excited.  It is a familial stim reaction.

Among the younger kids, the things we did as kids are all there as well.  I would not be surprised to see if we get more ADHD diagnosises in that generation as the kids start school.  Given our family traits and history, (my ADHD was the first formal diagnosis in the family, my brother's the second, (I suspect an undiagnosed inattentive version in my oldest cousin)) we are in a much better position to understand and help because we had been there and this is part of who we are.  It helps that my family acknowledges these diagnosises and accepts that they are a fact of how we as NDs are wired.

Before I left for home I did l let my grandma know about my ASD diagnosis.  I have had a formal diagnosis for more than a decade and this is the first time I have told anyone in my family outside of my sister in law (who is an absolute sweetheart.  She is easy to talk to and a true listener.)  But a huge part of the reason I let her know was because of their two kids and my brother's ADHD.  Things are easier if you start with more pieces of the puzzle.  We have this in the family history, so yes, it is possible if not probable.

One of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is a fascination with patterns.  Some of those patterns are the behaviors of the people around you.  So far I am the only ASD diagnosis in my family (dad is suspected undiagnosed and deceased), but I have watched the patterns of my family and all the signs are there.  It comes from both my mom and dad, (I have a surviving aunt and my grandma's young sister still alive on my dad's side, so not a lot of information there).

I have an older sister who is an neurotypical A-type personality, who has no patience for the quirks of our extended family.

We are also a 'safe' foods family as a whole...(No one has ever gotten angry or upset with anyone for picking something like onions out of something or not trying a new food because they were unsure about it.  I found out my grandma hates onion and tomato chunks as much as I do, but we both love the taste.)


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## Darkkin (Jul 12, 2021)

Things that are completely 'normal' at our house.  Howling with the dog while I stand on the kitchen step stool, so I can put away the food processor.  This is the randomness, the often innate silliness that a lot of NDs possess, but no one ever sees because we are so good at masking.  Dude loves to howl, so we have fun with it.  I get chores done, he gets some enrichment time, and we are far enough away from the neighbours that no one is going to care about our noise.  Part and parcel of the utilisation skills that can accompany an ND brain.


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## Sinister (Jul 23, 2021)

So...
I have Asperger's Syndrome, or Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I suffer from Hyperfocus.  I'll end up wikiwalking and studying irrelevant topics and doing in-depth research over subjects that are not helpful or important.  I've ended up the master of a wide-range of useless information that I do not know how to apply and will never be of any great help to me or others.  This is a compulsion, and I've found once I've started, I can't stop.

It's difficult for me to talk about this.  If you talk about something enough it becomes real, or more real.  But I have to face it.  I can't make eye-contact with others.  I can't understand what someone says to me, if I do not expect them to say it.  I'll have to ask them to repeat it multiple times and it gets disheartening and I end up feeling like an idiot.  I can't read people's sarcasm.  I can't tell when someone is making fun of me, telling a harmless joke or being dead serious.  I can't remember or correctly catalogue faces, leaving me unable to recognize someone that I've spent years with, if they're not in the environment that I expect to see them in.

If you've ever played Mass Effect, my dialogue feels like the dialogue in that game.  My prompt, when I pick it from a list of things to say, ends up saying or being interpreted quite differently than I intend it to.  I have a whole host of instances when I've said something hurtful, when what I intended to say was meant to be helpful.

I have mild obsessive compulsive disorder.  I have an hourglass on my desk that I have to turn every time I see it.  The rules are that if the hourglass has completed, I have to turn it, and turn it to the right.  I make constant bets with myself, telling myself that if I win the bet, it makes a future positive outcome more likely.  I also feel that if I predict a negative outcome before it has happened, that that will somehow goad life into abandoning its imminent catastrophes because they are trite and predictable.  Kind of like calling it out on it's unoriginality.

What infuriates me the most, I think, is when someone extolls the positive aspects of Asperger's Syndrome.  The hyperfocus, for example, or the hours of endless research and mastery over marginalia, the critical thinking and etc...  What's hurtful, is I can't blame them for thinking that it would be a good thing, a desirable trait.  They've never felt the mortal dread I go through just to pay for gas at a convenience store counter, family get-togethers or job interviews or just a simple conversation.

My only saving grace is that, so far, I've been able to hide.  I've become practically agoraphobic.  I almost never leave my Ranch.  It's just me.  Alone on this hill, with nothing to do but caring for my animals, gardening, researching, writing...  And I've only gotten worse as time has gone on.

The few people who have met me, get the impression that I'm looking down on them, or that I'm intellectually vain, or that I somehow feel that I'm better than them.  That's just too much irony for me.  I've never met someone less functional, or as debilitated or incapable as myself.

There is very little about the way I am that recommends itself.

"There he goes... Some kind of high powered mutant* never even considered for mass production.* Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -Hunter S. Thompson

-Sin


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## Lawless (Jul 23, 2021)

Sinister said:


> They've never felt the mortal dread I go through just to pay for gas at a convenience store counter, family get-togethers or job interviews or just a simple conversation.



Yeah, they don't understand it, do they? They can't imagine such a dread, so they begin to convince you logically that there is nothing to fear in those situations, and they fail to realize you don't choose to feel anxious, you just can't help it.

The therapists and councelors who tell you it's just who you are and it will remain with you for the rest of your life and you'll just have to live with it, aren't exactly helpful either, are they?

I was mildly autistic when I was a child (or maybe mildly now and more than mildly back then). And I know, every expert out there says autism/Asperger is incurable, but I'm a living proof that autistic treats can become less severe over time. The bad news is I've no idea what I did to make it happen, so I can't really give an advice.

But if I were to hazard a shot in the dark (and I apologize if I'm going to suggest something you already know), you might want to try observing how various foodstuffs and nutritional supplements affect you. Totally disregard what other people, even those wearing a white coat, insist to be healthy or unhealthy. Experiment with whatever's not prohibited by law, and try to notice what makes you feel better or worse.


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## Sinister (Jul 23, 2021)

I was on the Feingold diet, back when I was told it was ADHD.  It did help, or seemed to back then.  It eventually got progressively less helpful.  As it stands now, I don't know what happens next.  Something has to give.  I'm still going to therapy, more or less just to have a proactive stance on the problem.  This way I can still say I'm doing something, or trying.

Honestly, the one thing in recent memory that helped at all, was working out.  Unfortunately, Covid put a cold stop to that and I'm so out of the habit of working out or going to the gym, it's been a total relapse.  Couldn't even tell you why it helped in the first place.  But it's one of those things, that once you've gotten out the habit, it's an uphill struggle to get back into the habit.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2021)

Fitting in by unconsciously mimicking the social actions of others is a term called masking.  The traits do not go away because it is how an ND brain processes information.  Autistic traits do not diminish with time, it is the autistic who learns how to mask more effectively.  Masking is also one of the most detrimental adaptations autistics have because it is a major contributing factor to increased depression, anxiety, and autistic burnout.

There is also a difference between hyperfocus (ADHD specfic trait lasting weeks to months) and an autistic special interest (a hobby or subject that becomes an all consuming be all, end all passion one's world revolves around that lasts a lifetime).  E.g. Mass Effect, Harry Potter, abnormal psychology, etc...

To cure autism one has to essentially regrow one's brain...and more than 90% of autistic when asked, do not want to be 'cured' of their autism, myself included. 

Is it an easy thing to live with no.  But stop for a minute and consider, how many of the skills that we take for granted, e.g. pattern recognition, memory, creativity, etc...are directly linked to one's autism?

Admial Kirk once queried of Captain Spock in the Wrath of Khan:

'Spock, these cadets of yours, how good are they?  How will they respond under real pressure?'

Spock's response is still one of the most succinct I have ever heard.

'As with all living things, each according to his gifts.'

I've spent my entire life listening to people tell me that my brain is broken and it needs to be fixed.  That some diet or medication is going to cure how I think.  I got tired of listening to the bullshit of how I am less, how I am fucking wrong because of my brain.

I am autistic, but I am also articulate, a skill which for many autistics can be a struggle.  It is a privilege I have so I started reading.  I found a special interest because I got sick and tired of a world telling me I'm insufficient as a human being.  I am not less because I do not meet the criteria for normal.  I am tired of my damn mask and I am out of patience with people who treat autism like a disease that needs to be cured.  That is eugenics folks...and a slippery slope that is better suited for the Inferno subforum.

No one becomes less autistic over time and no one is a little ADHD sometimes.  You cannot rip a neurodivergence out of your brain, and as unpalatable as it is to some, acceptance is the first step.


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## Lawless (Jul 23, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> Fitting in by unconsciously mimicking the social actions of others is a term called masking.  The traits do not go away because it is how an ND brain processes information.  Autistic traits do not diminish with time, it is the autistic who learns how to mask more effectively.



No. Of course I have learned to cope. My life is one big "pretending to be normal". But that's not everything. I can recall situations 20 or 30 years ago where I acted in a wrong way because I just felt compelled to act that way. Sometimes I even knew what was expected of me, I just couldn't make myself do it. If I were in such a situation today, I would not feel that compulsion, I would be able to choose to act differently. It's not coping, it's not pretending. I really don't have that particular compulsion hardwired in my brain anymore.


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2021)

Again, it is an adaptation to one's environment to meet societal approval, which is something we all do to a certain degree.  We learn what is appropriate and what is not, that is civilization at its most basic level.

Where neurodivergents differ is in how we translate social cues, tonal infliction, micro expressions, and the emotions in those around us.  Much of the time, we miss this information or do not interpret it correctly while leads to the miscommunication.

One of my default buffers to combat this is the utilization of specifically in conversations.  I verbally move focus from a macro generalization to a micro detail I can actually work with.  It saves me a huge amount of time and reduces the roundaboutation.


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2021)

Terminology is another thing that needs to be addressed.  Terms like the subset of characteristics that were first identified by Hans Asperger and high functioning and low functioning can be wildly inaccurate and are outdated.  While there is a contingent of the autistic community that prefers to keep the breakout of Asperger's (that is another greased slope) it is still part and parcel of the Autism Spectrum Disorder.  As per the DSM-V (2013)

Terms like high functioning and low functioning are frowned upon across the board.  To wit, high functioning autism is any autistic with an IQ of 80 or higher without profound cognitive delays.  Low functioning would be defined by cognitive delays, high support needs, and the inability to live on one's own.

Within the autistic community itself, terms like high support needs and low support needs are much more accurate and accepted.  And as ASD is a spectrum, the needs of any autistic will vary day to day.

The most recent studies have on ND numbers have shown that 1 in every 41 people is on the spectrum and 1 in every 7 people is dealing with ADHD.   The diagnosis of ADD was disbanded in 1987 and integrated into the three subtypes of ADHD (hyperactive, inattentive, and complex (combined).

Many, many of these cases are later in life diagnosises.


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## Darren White (Jul 23, 2021)

I am an Asperger, with Tourette's Syndrome and a very mild OCD as comorbidity.
And indeed, I never look anyone into the eye. I did learn some techniques to deal with it since there is a lot of misunderstanding (and sometimes aggression) towards that. 

Since ASD is indeed a spectrum, every individual is somewhere else on that line.

I for example don't like surprises, in any setting. Online or real life. I need things to be predictable. I am also hyperfocused on detail, which can be positive, but I don't see the issue in its entirety.
And, to top it off, I have great difficulty putting my thoughts into words. Which is worsened by the fact that English is not my native tongue. Rather my third language or something.


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## Sinister (Jul 23, 2021)

I have to agree that I've learned how to cope in certain situations.  The hardest thing to deal with is the altering of my environment, any change in routine or inconsistent behaviors.  A change in my space has to be made willingly, by me.  My mother used to routinely move my furniture in my room while I was away.  People used to volunteer me for tasks or jobs without my consent.  And too often I've seen people do things like loudly declare to the room that they have to leave only to sit down and stay an extra hour.  These things would've confused and made me angry as a child.  Today, they just leave me nonplussed and disappointed.

Also, I do get the impression that I'm faking a lot of my reactions and emotions, because I know that their absence is immediately noticed.  It's not that different from a quiz, actually.  The more you take it, the better at taking it you get.  I don't understand the material that well, but I have the patterns memorized.

Also has anyone ever been in the presence of someone who has used the word "Autistic" as some sort of derogatory put-down?  I can't say it makes me angry, but I don't forget it.  It's just such a strange use of the word.  The semantic drift, the lexical gap between the denotata and designata...somewhere in all that, the same word that is used to describe me, professionally, is used to ridicule and humiliate, casually.  I, technically, could be the target of both usages.  There's some dark humor in that.

-Sin


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## Darren White (Jul 23, 2021)

Sinister said:


> And too often I've seen people do things like loudly declare to the room that they have to leave only to sit down and stay an extra hour. These things would've confused and made me angry as a child. Today, they just leave me nonplussed and disappointed.


This 
It made me laugh now, but I find it annoying. If I say I have to leave, I go immediately.


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2021)

Darren White said:


> This
> It made me laugh now, but I find it annoying. If I say I have to leave, I go immediately.


  This is why I always drive myself, (privilege yes, I know), so I can bail when I need to.  Sensory overload (too many people) will put me into meltdown, nor because of anything anybody did, but because of too much input.

The migraines that result are among the worst moments of my existence, which includes my cardiac infractions and that pain is insane.  I would much rather deal with a major cardiac trauma than one of my meltdowns because with my cardiac episodes I'm still in cognitive control where as with my migraine episodes I am in too much pain to even speak.  That lose of control over my brain terrifies me.

I can hide my cardiac episodes, severe meltdowns, I can't and I hate being vulnerable for any reason.  I get my control taken away because my bridge goes to status red.  Enterprise after her first encounter with Reliant under Khan's command.

ND win for the week.  I got my new bank card activated, all of my accounts updated, and my mobile bank app set up.  All of these things are easy, but the tediousness of it is enough to make one want to set their hair on fire...but it's done.  I don't have to deal with it again (for a while).


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## Sinister (Jul 23, 2021)

Darkkin said:


> This is why I always drive myself, (privilege yes, I know), so I can bail when I need to.  Sensory overload (too many people) will put me into meltdown, nor because of anything anybody did, but because of too much input.
> 
> The migraines that result are among the worst moments of my existence, which includes my cardiac infractions and that pain is insane.  I would much rather deal with a major cardiac trauma than one of my meltdowns because with my cardiac episodes I'm still in cognitive control where as with my migraine episodes I am in too much pain to even speak.  That lose of control over my brain terrifies me.
> 
> I can hide my cardiac episodes, severe meltdowns, I can't and I hate being vulnerable for any reason.  I get my control taken away because my bridge goes to status red.  Enterprise after her first encounter with Reliant under Khan's command.


That has to suck.  I can't stand crowds for very long either.  Going to Dragoncon in Atlanta one year, really really got under my skin.  There was one room I was stuck in for about an hour and there couldn't have been more than a foot or two from the nearest person in any direction.  Constant chatter and it was hot and hard to breathe.

But I've never had migraines as a result.  That sounds like utter hell.  The experience of being in a crowd is miserable enough, I couldn't imagine the misery of a migraine on top of it all.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2021)

Knowing one's sensory triggers is a huge help in going into a situation with a plan to negate the worst of the overload.  If I need to interact in a crowded situation I will have a plan of action in place weeks in advance.  This lets me reconcile the fact that there is going to be a change in my routine.

 I do not do anything spur of the moment unless it is a conscious decision on my part to get lost on purpose for the day.  Even then I have to take the dog and one of the tasks he is trained for is to keep people away from me.  His primary task is cardiac alert.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Oct 30, 2021)

Thought I might revive this thread because I know I mentioned earlier about seeking diagnosis for ADHD -- turns out I have both ADHD and autism.


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## Taylor (Oct 31, 2021)

ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord said:


> Thought I might revive this thread because I know I mentioned earlier about seeking diagnosis for ADHD -- turns out I have both ADHD and autism.


Are you relieved to have a diagnosis?


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Oct 31, 2021)

Yes! It explains a lot of things in my life. It has generated a lot of changes, some of which are very hard, but overall it is good. And it just makes so much sense!


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## Sinister (Oct 31, 2021)

The Doubtful Gift...  There's a disproportionate number of us here.  That's to be expected, I guess...

I'm glad that you've found your answers.  I remember when I found mine.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Nov 7, 2021)

There are days I hate being one of the Twice Gifted.  Yes, we can do absolutely amazing things that leave people wondering how we do the thing, but the flipside of that is the obscene level of internalised perfectionism that accompanies the thing.  If even one small detail is off scorched earth policy is engaged.  The internalised ableism we can weaponise against ourselves can be horrendous.  We can become our own cons, convincing ourselves that we are less than and more dreadful than anything on this earth for little more than a typo.

Neurodivergents enounter negative enforcement at a rate 70 times higher than our neurotypical peers.  Numberwise that looks like 20,000 negative or berating comments from authority figures and peers by the time we reach 5th grade.  20,000 negative comments by age 10.

This is the factor that is a driving cause for internalised ableism, NDs gaslighting themselves into believing they have absolutely nothing of worth to offer.  Hard truth, we can be and often are our own worst critics.  I know this as an absolute truth because no one on the planet is harder on me than me...and I hate it.  I acknowledge the fact, but Sith brain will not flex on this point.  It will devalue everything before it surrenders that absolute belief.  Its absolute:  Nothing you do will ever be good enough.  Why are you even trying?  You know how this will end.


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## Darkkin (Jan 20, 2022)

Seriously irritated with a thread that jumped to using autism to define a 'flawed' character.  Good grief, talk about neurotypical assumptions.  One of the posts talked about 'triggering' an autistic, so a reader could get to 'know' the character.   Such treatment is supposed to build character?   It was bullshit about the neurotype and I called bullshit on the assumption. 

 That comment nearly put me in meltdown.  To be so casual about episodes that for a majority of autistics, are major trauma.  This is the chasm between having heard of autism and living with it.


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## Sinister (Jan 20, 2022)

I read that thread all the way through.  As a fellow person on the spectrum I have...surprisingly little to say.  First of all, thank you, Darkkin, for posting genuine information and getting it out there.

Second of all, dividing my time between people who don't understand vs those that don't want to understand is too finnicky for me.  That and I have an unusual ability that I do not know whether it's related to ASD.  I don't get offended easily, if at all.  A lot of the time, perspective/ignorance is what causes someone to utter something to offend someone else.  That's not something I get mad at someone over, though.  Then again, I'm not good with anger.  Don't get it.  I just get frustrated

BUT, when releasing a book/work/story that is improperly researched or talking about something you do not understand, the world will judge you.

Finally, I just experienced four consecutive meltdowns over the last two months, one of which was witnessed.  I have an Autistic MC and you may believe that he will have to endure them too.  My only advantage over non-spectrum writers is I know intimately what that feels like.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Jan 20, 2022)

Usually, I'm pretty sanguine.  People as a whole do not leave a very good impression.  I do a case by case basis on those I interact with.  Most people, I wish them well, but I have no opinion on them good or bad because they have a right to exist.  It is rare for me to seek out repeated (non-family) contact;  if I do, it says a hell of a lot.

What drove this particular point home was an NT making a double assumption and using that double assumption as an informed opinion.  It wasn't meant to be malicious, but it was uninformed.  And that is almost more dangerous.  I happen to have a very informed opinion on the subject and what was said was just so blatantly wrong that it would have been wrong not to speak up.

Yes, we as autistics, have flaws that can be off putting, but we also have a hell of a lot going for us.  We actually take effort to get to know, which  I think, helps forge stronger relationships.  We also see the world very differently.  It is one of the traits that leads us to be labelled old souls.  The individuals who relate to the cat, the dog, the younger kids, it is because of our perspectives.

People ask where I get my ideas.  It is a direct result of my autistic brain.  It is one of the major benefits of the neurotype.  Those with autism have a tendency to be gifted in creative areas.  e.g.  writing, art, music, cooking

We seek ways to escape a world that shuns the atypical and because of that we excel in arenas beyond the social constructs.  Yet we are measured only by how society views us.  We are the sum of our gaffes and deficits, not who we are.


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## Sinister (Jan 20, 2022)

Darkkin said:


> *People as a whole do not leave a very good impression.*


I love this quote.  I do not know why I find it hilarious and relatable.  It sums my opinion up pretty well.  It's so direct but understated and gently critical.  I could write my entire reply on how much I like it.

But I mean it rings true.  To us, all our flaws, all our struggle and advantages are all-important, but to NTs who have their own problems and struggles, seeing the shape ours take over their own perspective when it would be just a detail to them and not affect their lives...  If they actually manage to do all this, they deserve the embarrassment of appreciation.  Hasn't really happened to me yet.  Assumptions are just the lazy person's short cut.  It works well for very smart people.  Hardly ever works for the average person.  And can be ignorant, crass and dangerous when used by the below-average.

I look at it that people on the spectrum are a distinctively odd min-maxed character class that wasn't even considered for actual gameplay.  I tend to think we lend "People" some needed quirkiness, as they are awfully neurologically complacent and homogenous so far as I can tell.  As for flaws...  Let Jesus, Superman and Mary Sue talk about flaws.  If all they have on us is the word "flawed" that's the most unobservant, least helpful and most un-substantive comment I ever heard.  Our flaws aren't worse than anyone else's, just harder to hide.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Jan 20, 2022)

Autistics have a way of articulating the uncomfortable observation no one else wants to say, but everyone really needs to hear.  That honesty is a double edged blade.

e.g.

An objective critique becomes an assualt on an author's sovereign muse.  And the reader doesn't understand why author X is going to pieces over an impartial observation on item Y.  Item Y does not define author X.  Item Y is simply item Y.  Author X is author X, not item Y.


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## Darkkin (Jan 28, 2022)

All my jeans are dark wash denim.  All are skinny jeans (most brands don't want to stay up otherwise) with the exception of one pair of straight leg jeans I forgot I had.  Guess which pair I pulled out and put on without checking...face palm.  They fit well, but they feel weird.  Gah!  Anybody else freak out about clothes not being just right?


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## Sinister (Jan 29, 2022)

I'm a goth.  I don't match clothes.  Everything is black.  I just simplify that part of my life.  It works surprisingly well for me.  The only thing that actively confounds me and that I'm obsessed over are jackets and hats.  I like a heavy leather jacket, because I prefer the weight of it.  And my hats are all eccentric, which people have learned to deal with.  

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Feb 10, 2022)

I tortured Rue Dog today.  I abraided his nails, stole his floof, and removed his bling.  Poor dude...never mind that he did the Rue Dance when he was done. (Running as hard and fast as he can just for the sheer joy of it...).  Dude reminds me that when we do the little things we feel a million times better.


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## Darkkin (Feb 14, 2022)

Anyone else ever just remain quiet during a conversation because you know as soon as you open your mouth you will break your mask?  People will know you are not normal because of what you bring to the conversation.

There are two predictable outcomes:

1: Conversation stops dead for a few moments, people look at you as if you're stupid, then continue on as if you never said anything.

2: Conversation stops dead for a few seconds people look at you as if you've grown a second head, and someone asks why the heck do you know this information and you proceed to information them about how and why you know this information, and then proceed to apologize profusely for having original thoughts.

It sometimes sucks knowing that you are really smart, but also being conscious enough to know that people can really resent the fact that you are smart.  This is on top of being smart enough to know that while you are smart, you are very socially awkward, so you hide in plain sight behind your silence.

This then compounds into more issues such as being labelled snobby, stuck up, shy, antisocial...etc. when it isn't even close to the truth.  It is just your social mask because you are continuously penalized for being yourself.

It is in moments like this I give profound thanks for my introversion and the fact that I am at total peace in my own company.  Not everyone in a similar situation has this capacity.


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## Sinister (Feb 14, 2022)

I've never had anyone force me to apologize for knowing something...  But then again, I don't/didn't get out much.

I remember in the short time I worked at one minimum-wage job, I worked with a bunch of 18 somethings and I was a 20 something.  The ridicule was light and I quickly established myself as something of a _lusus naturae _that was "cool" to know.  People would attempt to drag me into intellectual conversations and ask me obscure questions, half the time I didn't know the answers and told them I didn't.

I had one person basically abduct me just to see what I would be like when stoned.  We became fast friends.

All the attention made me miserable in a way, but it was a unique experience.  Was even hit on and once assaulted by a very interested and attractive female.  I can't even begin to explain how horrifying and uncomfortable that was.  She was nice enough, but I'm not big on relationships or intimacy and would've made a poor partner.  I do remember being grateful for the somewhat...misguided compliment?  Always nice to know that, based on first impressions at least, someone would be willing settle for or chase after you.

In short, I didn't have much of a mask.  And when finally at University it all kind of broke me.  Had a mental break, locked myself in my apartment and ended up here, stuck in this old crumbling house on a hill with crippling student debt and no degree.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Feb 14, 2022)

My social inner circle is family. Times were different in my home country. People had large families because of the bustling economy. As politicians corrupted the prosperity of the country, it became a much more troubling time to live in. Today I have over 30 cousins on my mother's side. I have 8 uncles and 2 aunts.

For conversations I have terrible practice and can't detect if I am socially awkward, but I was in school. I would withdraw from class. It wasn't until my mother convinced me that it would be a good idea to be at school. Our mental health system is deplorable today. I happen to know the only psychiatrist with both board certification in United States in psychiatry and with substance abuse. My diagonsis would come close to 30 years of age. It was then that I couldn't manage my depression. So on the plus side I have a large family who will be my friends for the rest of my life. But I can't talk to people in the public without getting awkward looks. Lack of eye contact, anxiety from mental disease plague me.

However, I suppose I became a loner, but with family.  Maybe if I join the organizations in the country I can socialize but I would need to consult my family during a time that is considered a pandemic.

However, the lack of qualified doctors continues today. It reflect's the politicians heart and different schools of thought of mental illness ( a generation lost because of ignorance and lack of intellectuals and money). Which apparently there are many ignorant people on mental illnesses in my view or personality differences. The astronomical costs of medical school don't help either. I must have been to 5 or more psychiatrists and I have lost count. You'd have to be a total genius just to be certified in the United States. Then why would you go to my country when the salary is much lower for the average job? My doctor works as consultant for a more than one university, and works in a military hospital. He visits one or two days a week.

It's sad, but no one knows what life's hidden meaning is if you are a politician. They should be all knowing, a god-like metaphor.

Ask about depression to the average child and you will get a confused concept or definition.


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## Darkkin (Feb 16, 2022)

I cleared nearly 23 linear feet of reading material from my master bookcase upstairs.  Nothing stays on this particular bookcase unless it has been reread at least three times.  The triple deep parking were all books needing to go downstairs into the genre stacks.  Most of it science, history, mythology, psychology, and romance.  It doesn't take long when you have a system and I have a system.


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## Darkkin (Feb 16, 2022)

A perfect example of the 'why not, it's on the way' mindset.  Potato Cat on the bookcase after it has been completely disassembled, dusted, vacuumed beneath, walls wiped down, reassembled and so I could deep clean the rest of my room while I was in the mood. 

 Floor boards to ceiling, absolutely everything is clean, washed, dusted, and vacuumed.  Took me less than two hours, including the bookcase.  I did the same thing downstairs.  I haven't stopped, just let the drive run...


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## Darkkin (Feb 22, 2022)

Today was a case of get it done to be done.  Went to work, done a little early (rotten weather), braved Target for dog food and allergy medication, found both, shoveled the driveway, and shutdown by 5:00.  I got it done, but I am done.  Physically and mentally.  I know my cardiac function is struggling and that in turn weakens the shields I use to blend in.

Potato Cat knows.  He doesn't ask for much, he just plops across me and lends me his heat.


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## Darkkin (Feb 25, 2022)

Day off today.  Cleaned out the refrigerator, shovelled the drive way, and did a major freakout because I was overthinking a task.  My best friend made a Gryffindor scarf for her niece's birthday.  She asked me to wash and block it.  She made me a Ravenclaw one for me for my birthday, so I had done the process once when I washed and blocked mine.  My best friend doesn't ask for much, so this is something that was a completely reasonable request.  Totally doable right?  Wrong.

 She left a note on the scarf with the request instead of asking verbally.  I freaked out, worried about hurting her feelings if I didn't get the task done, but I was also freaking out about what would happen if I screwed this up.  One this is for a little girl's birthday.  Two, this is hand made and I know the immense amount of work that has gone into this scarf.  My best friend has a gift when it comes to the things she knits.  Her work is amazing and as an individual with a severe arts and crafts impairment, I truly understand and appreciate the time and effort it takes to hone such a skill.  I could not screw this up and I also didn't want to say no to a very reasonable request.  Between the guilt and the panic, I was not in a good place.  So I had to decide which would win?  Guilt or panic.  As usual, guilt won.

I managed to stifle my brain long enough to recall the process and just worked through it.  Nobody died.  Nothing was harmed.  I did it right and it is currently drying in the laundry room.

She called a little while ago and said she was picking up supper.  And she realised that her note probably sent my brain reeling.  I was honest about the fact I freaked for a bit, but got it done and mentioned the fact that sometimes asking verbally is a better approach because I can ask for clarification if I need it.

And I got a cheeseburger and ice cream, too.


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## Theglasshouse (Feb 25, 2022)

Sorry I posted in the wrong thread and meant to post on what you are doing?


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## Darkkin (Mar 9, 2022)

Juggernaut dopamine hit, simply because of a new song.  And it is moments like these that I give thanks to the seething morass and neuroses that comprise the beautiful disaster of my brain.  This is my core stim and the direct link to my creative process.  Never having experimented with drugs or alchohol (atypical reactions to medications, not a bear I'm going to poke), I cannot make an accruate assessment of what an artificial high is like, but this is feeling like you can fly.  That instant on a swing when you dare to let go and the adreline rushes everything is augmented and you cannot fail.  Fingers catch hold, grip tight, and the chain rubs a line between pleasure and pain, but the calluses hold true, and you fling yourself through, falling and flying through arc after arc.  Catch and hold and catch and hold, completely lost in the moment, the feeling, and your own mind.  You don't give a damn about anything.  The mask is left behind and the fevered endurance of just being authentic, autistic self comes roaring out.  This is the dance like no one is watching moment.  These are the highs so many people seek though artificial means and I can hack my system to override a burnout.

To a neurotypical this looks like madness, but the motion, the music, and the pattern, the combination that is where the joy, the fix, rests.  They've done an fMRI on my brain when I've connected with a specific piece of music and the imagery literally looks like my brain is on fire.  So atypical, and so simple, and so powerful.  This is the brain that is bright and arrogant, impatient, impractical, and profoundly flawed.  And I am profoundly lucky to have it in my head.


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## Theglasshouse (Mar 9, 2022)

The dopamine high describes me doing my activities I am obsessed about so I can most definitely relate to your post. I feel like I am that sort of person. If it's not dopamine it's a pleasure sending chemical of the brain. I think there are either 4 or 5 in total. Adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins are most of them.


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## Darkkin (Mar 14, 2022)

Due to shower handle issues we were without running water for nearly 24 hours.  I am a neat freak.  I stress cleaned my entire house from the laundry room to the living room.  We now have water and a wickedly clean house.  And I got to go sock skating on my uber clean floor, (nearly landed on my ass, bit still had fun.)

24 hours without water was hell.  I don't understand how the folks on hoarders can deal without it for years on end.


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## Darkkin (Mar 14, 2022)

The You Bag line was open at the grocery store today, hamburger was cheaper than chicken, and they had Potato Cat's brand of cat food.


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## Darkkin (Mar 16, 2022)

We updated the livingroom on a shoe string budget (under $100), with new slipcovers for the couch and one of the chairs.  The furniture is super comfy and very solid, but it was showing wear, so this was a good alternative to spending a couple thousand we don't have, or continuing on as before.

Home space matters as it is the place we spend the most time.  I deep cleaned this past weekend and my covers came today and the results are awesome.  I was a little worried that the deep teal would be too much on the couch, but the it pops with the yellow we have on the walls.  The bluer tone of the teal also helps even out the warring green factions we had going on between the chair, the couch, and the houseplants.  Now with the plants as the only true greens in the room, things are in balance.

It is said that autistics don't like change.  That can be true when we are not part of the process, but when we are front and center in the decision making, it can be a ton of fun.  Personally, I love puttering to see what works and what doesn't.  This update works.


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## Theglasshouse (Mar 16, 2022)

Yes it seems true for me. On the micro level I analyze (too much) to do something if someone tells me out of the blue for example that I need to take a haircut at the barber shop. I become so engrossed in my activities that by the time they ask for the haircut I am actually thinking of saying no and delaying it for another day. This is just a small change. I tell them if I am going on a trip they have to tell me 2 days in advance. It's a bit different with me. I understand that situation as change which I have experienced it before, but in a different way.


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## Darkkin (Mar 20, 2022)

Interoception (awareness of one's internal functions), is something autistics can struggle with.  It will vary person to person, but it can look like a seemingly impossiblely high pain tolerance, endless energy, ignoring cues like hunger or thirst, or sensory discomfort.

I tend to be one, who keeps going miles beyond what a neurotypical peer would be able to handel because I know how to hide pain, fatigue, discomfort...anything that might be perceived as a faultable need.  You don't show weakness or they (authority figures) will weaponise it against you.  So you mask the discomfort, the physical pain and develop an odd endurance for the intolerable.

 I've worked an 8 hour shift through a full blown cardiac infarction, with no one knowing the screaming pain I was in.  My brain was convinced (at the time) that if I said something I would get in trouble for needing to leave. (Totally not the case, it was in fact internalised gaslighting.  e.g. Don't work the entire shift, you won't have a job or get your hours cut.)  When you're raised with the mindset that anything short of overt injury or illness requiring hospitalisation as grounds for calling off you already have an over developed work ethic.

My work ethic and cardiac function were at war today.  This past week has been hey go mad between work, changes at home, the shower handle, etc...I stayed busy, kept moving, and kept shoving down those internal signals that my systems were at their limits.

This morning I noticed my inner monologue was silent, completely silent.  This never happens unless my systems are at critical levels.  I was facing an eight hour shift on my feet, and massively active (e.g. an average of 12,000 to 15,000 steps).  Other than an accelerated heartrate and the stillness in my head there was nothing seemingly wrong.  What was I going to say, 'I can't come in because something feels weird?'  Because that's what this was weirdly vague, an abnormal stillness.

I didn't want to be up, moving relentless forward.  But my usual mask was not as effective as usual.  One of my coworkers noticed something off and asked if I was okay.  I was honest.  I told her probably not.  I couldn't explain it, but something was weird.  She mentioned that I could go if I needed to.

It was Sunday, not overly busy, and we had plenty of people on.  After getting my shelving done and watching a group of coworkers stand around and talk for 10 minutes while I shelved 16 linear feet of books, I realised I needed to do the smart thing and use time I had in the bank.  (I made it through 3 hours.) Five other people doing absolutely nothing, while I'm burning physical resources I don't have.  I was peeved.  I was done at that point.  Notified those who needed to know and left.

All my cardiac functions were in the red.  (I have port access and medication at home to control it.)  Rue Dog was apparently fussing since I left.  My best friend had the dogs this morning since I had to work, so Rue didn't see me before I went to work.  He all but tackled me when I got home.  He knew.

Almost as soon as I was off my feet both my heartrate and blood pressure dropped significantly.  Still high, but no longer at crisis levels.  Still tired and pinned down by Rue and Potato, but I don't have the impeding sense of disaster I had earlier in the day.  If my function doesn't improve over the course of the night, I will have to go in.

Even with compromised cardiac function, I still have a nearly impossible time calling off and going home when I need to because I'm expected to work, to do my job.  Others can stand around and talk and do next to nothing, but if I stop for even a drink of water I'm not working hard enough.  It is an absolutely illogical perspective, but when you have an ND, you encounter so much criticism that you learn to set yourself unrealistic expectations.  Stop even for a second and you will fail simply because of who and how you are.


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## Darkkin (Mar 21, 2022)

Potato Cat reminded me again, that the little things are often the best things.  He has been playing obsessively with a bit of white ribbon used to bundle a new set of wash clothes.


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## Darkkin (Mar 24, 2022)

When Potato met Anne.  If ever there was a character who was on the spectrum, it is Anne Shirley.  Reading her as a child, it was like looking in a mirror of like traits and mistakes.  One of my favourite series and a long overdue reread.


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## Darkkin (Mar 25, 2022)

We are now onto Anne of Avonlea and reading back through these books my brain is recognizing linguistic patterns.  Wanna know where I learned some of my really weird vocabulary words...


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## Sinister (Mar 26, 2022)

Went back to my psychologist who did my initial evaluation.  He is convinced I am in the lower edge of the Bell curve for IQ based on a quick survey he did last fall that lasted scarcely an hour.  Honestly, I have no problem with this.  I'm not too proud to take advantage of low expectations.

Anyway, the entire appointment turned out to be a waste of time, which was thrilling since I didn't want to go in the first place.  My GP insisted I "touch base" with him.  I figured they both must know some pressing issue or step that I didn't.  So when I met with my doctor, he stared at me blankly and said:  "Why did you want to see me?"

"I did not!  That is a baseless lie!  I'm AGORAPHOBIC!  I do not want to leave me house at ANY GIVEN TIME!  TO SEE ANYONE!"

He gave me a bunch of resources on programs to take remedial mathematics and algebra.  I graph logarithmic spirals in my bedroom and hang them on my walls based on different formulae and functions.  I have a Fibonacci, a Golden and a Silver.  I do not need to take Algebra II and even if I did...this would not fix the simple fact that I, as I may have mentioned above, HAVE AGORAPHOBIA.

I'm the odd one out here.  We must not forget that.  I have a low IQ average.  I'm the ND.  I'm on the spectrum.  The problem is mine.  Now here, solve for X to find self-actualization and also, why did you come to me, a psychologist?

I'm done.  I am sick of this bullshit.  I do not get angry, but consider me at the end of my tether.  I am officially frustrated.  I'm going to take my happy pills, finish my CBT until I'm satisfied and just to hell with all of it.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Mar 26, 2022)

Having read through what you just posted, I am going to flat out say that you are a hell of a lot smarter than a standardized test can determine.  The easy stuff is hard and the hard stuff is a breeze.  That is what comes across.

 (





Sinister said:


> I graph logarithmic spirals in my bedroom and hang them on my walls based on different formulae and functions. I have a Fibonacci, a Golden and a Silver.


)

You can do it, but cannot explain how you do it.  Your writing is also articulate and well presented. (Grammer, spelling, readability, etc. 
Lightyears ahead of the general population.) I work with the general public everyday.  I've seen the low end of average.  The low end of average does not know what a logarithmic spiral is, let alone know how to spell it, and use it in a sentence.  Take into consideration, your circumstances and neurotype when given a standardized test.

One, you are in an alien environment.  Two, people and forced interactions are adding to stimuli and stress.  Three, you are being measured and they (doctors) are making judgements about you.

So what is a more accurate measure of your abilities?  Your post through a workable medium in a comfortable environment or a standardized yardstick in an alien environment that is contributing to sensory overload?  I would say your post is a much better measure of your capabilities than a test administered under stressful conditions.

The low end of average walks up and asks what the word banned means. (We have a banned books display at work, and that happened on Wednesday.) The low end of average will also treat someone like they are less just because of the job they hold. (There are patterns in the attitudes and books requested that are indicators of bell curve placement.)   And as an ND, I tend to be pretty accurate with my pattern observations.

Just because a seemingly simple thing is hard, does not diminish your abilities.  It is actually a really common trait among NDs.

Standardized tests are not an accurate measure of a person's abilities and intelligence.  They are a water glass measuring the ocean and determining that there are no fish on the planet.

I cannot sound out words or count syllables, but I have always been able to read and write.  I can do it, but I cannot explain how I can, I just can.  I also suck at algebra, but I'm good with geometry and physics.


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## Sinister (Mar 26, 2022)

Darkkin said:


> Having read through what you just posted, I am going to flat out say that you are a hell of a lot smarter than a standardized test can determine.  The easy stuff is hard and the hard stuff is a breeze.
> 
> ()
> 
> ...


Thanks, Darkkin.  I needed to hear that, I think.  I'm not, at least consciously, intellectually...idk...vain?  But he's brought it up multiple times and put it on my report that any professional that I go to see will read.  It's taken a toll, I guess.  I'm not on a quest to seek validation by being a super genius.  Everyone sets so much stock and store by these tests.  I remember thinking when I first took my SAT, that the test would determine my future, my value.  What a bizarre idea that a person's worth can be condensed to number or measured at all.  I just want to grow my weird little plants, write and read books and be left alone.  But I have to be functional again.

But he hasn't been any assistance at all.  This whole circus has been a push and shove affair that hasn't really furthered the plot for me.  I just want out.  I want out of this house.  I want out of my cursed headspace.  My lack of confidence in my self, my presentability in society...every time I've jumped through these hoops it all seems to get worse, not better.

The medication has helped some.  The therapy has been...idk, diverting and harmless so far.  But I can't keep relying on these people to fix me.  It's not fair to them.  It's not realistic.  Something has got to give.  I've needed some sort of breakthrough or epiphany, maybe this is what it looks like...a complete loss of patience.  lol

Anyway, I really do appreciate the support.  In a single post you've done more for me than a paid professional to restore even a little confidence.  Sometimes it just takes talking to someone who knows roughly what you're going through.  Thanks.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Mar 26, 2022)

I fully support what Darkkin said. As an education major, I did learn the term online distance learning.  I know what agoraphobia is. I however don't know if online distance education is for you or why you need it. However, look it up in case you ever want to do an online course such as creative writing. I am also one who always done poorly in math in general but got decent grades in geometry and physics, as darkkin did. The doctor doesn't know most likely that IQ is a way of telling how you will succeed at school. But as darkkin said it is bull. I have a brother who scored 90 something on the IQ test before entering middle school. However, he was the first in his class in political administration in Baruch College. He got into an ivy league and studied diplomacy. He was also a valet victorian in his school here in my country with an American Education accredited program. So IQ tests mean nothing.  It is all study habits and motivation that drive many students to succeed and others fail and have poor grades. My brother is a case of having high motivation.  Nothing to write home about as they say but the education system or the public sector is in one of the last places ranked in the world. However, the high school my brother went to is the number one ranked in the country. It's not for gifted or precocious children. Private education is unranked.


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## Sinister (Mar 26, 2022)

Theglasshouse said:


> I fully support what Darkkin said. As an education major, I did learn the term online distance learning.  I know what agoraphobia is. I however don't know if online distance education is for you or why you need it. However, look it up in case you ever want to do an online course such as creative writing. I am also one who always done poorly in math in general but got decent grades in geometry and physics, as darkkin did. The doctor doesn't know most likely that IQ is a way of telling how you will succeed at school. But as darkkin said it is bull. I have a brother who scored 90 something on the IQ test before entering middle school. However, he was the first in his class in political administration in Baruch College. He got into an ivy league and studied diplomacy. He was also a valet victorian in his school here in my country with an American Education accredited program. So IQ tests mean nothing.  It is all study habits and motivation that drive many students to succeed and others fail and have poor grades. My brother is a case of having high motivation.  Nothing to write home about as they say but the education system or the public sector is in one of the last places ranked in the world. However, the high school my brother went to is the number one ranked in the country. It's not for gifted or precocious children. Private education is unranked.



Well, I mean it's not a sense of believing I'm unintelligent so much as it is a sense of being unable to function.  I have a hard time focusing outside of my environ.  Inside my house, my thoughts are clear.  I can solve complex problems and come to solutions easy and with very little effort.  Outside, it's like I'm trying to think in a fog.  I can't hear people clearly.  I can't answer questions clearly.  I'm uncomfortable and cannot perform towards any goal.  My brain is locked in a thousand different processes and it can't run them to any level of efficiency.  I stutter and mumble like a braindead and stunned creep.

The dichotomy is incredible and I'm at a loss.  It's like being on a gameshow, trying to answer questions while being waterboarded.  That sounds extreme and it is, but it approximates the result pretty well.

Anyway, I don't blame people for thinking what they do about me.  I give good evidence for it, I'm sure.  Just have to find an angle to grapple with it.  But typing it all out here, makes me realize specifically what I need.  I'll bring it to my next counseling session and work at it...bit by bit.  It is what it is and we all have challenges.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Mar 26, 2022)

My oldest brother was extremely studious. He had 128 on his IQ test. He was a straight A student, mostly. He got a b+ on psychics in his last semester which prevented him from getting a 4.0 GPA. But I consider my brother with the 90 IQ was more successful than him. My IQ is average. I feel regret since I didn't learn important topics such as math. I was a c+ student. Sure if you have good grades it gives you more opportunities to go where you want and study what you want (with my aspie personality I obsess nowadays about writing).  That said I wished I had some positive aspects of some of my other brother's personalities. My little brother is socially outgoing mostly and never plays videogames or never has too many hobbies or he never spends more time than usual having fun. The other is always responsible and behaves as the oldest brother.  Personality has a lot to do with it I think too, but I am no psychologist. If someone else likes to socialize, it is better and less of a time-waster (but I am an aspie). But anyway as indicated IQ tests try to predict your performance at school, but they fail at measuring motivation and personality (IMO this later point is true. We have to master and learn the material which is more important than a grade in the course (or why did we agree to take the course in the first place?). Some of us have a distinct learning style. I learn by taking notes nowadays. I was diagnosed with autism I think when I was 26. It's a rough estimate. In school, I never took notes successfully on the most difficult classes. My notes on math were non-existent. To this day I still don't know how to take math notes. I suspect also I didn't study enough. In college, I was told that you need to study 3 hours for each subject. During my college days, I did put more effort and studied more hours when on my last semesters and was not a bad student.

Some points to consider for their importance:
master the content and not attain a high grade.
Dedicate as much time to each subject if studying. The recommended amount is a good estimate.
Important subjects should be mastered only if we plan to study again since it might be considered lying the groundwork for future courses we take. (However, this applies to me since I think competency and mastery are important to me. So I believe in this, but not IQ as being that measure of success)
Also, it is worth noting admissions are based on competency tests and not IQ tests.


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## Darkkin (Mar 26, 2022)

My IQ is on the far side of the bell curve and it can be a problem for me.  Within ten seconds I usually know what someone needs or alternatively, I cannot figure out what they are trying to convey after a few moments of conversation because they are being so profoundly vague there is no defining their concept. 

 In both cases, my internal monologue is howling: 'Please stop yammering, I know or have you even thought about what you're asking?'  Interactions like this can be almost physically painful.  There are the folks who treat you like you have the mental acuity of wet cement, overstate the obvious, and keep repeating themselves and those who don't have a thought in their head.

The repeaters I revert to rapid fire extreme geek speak at hyper-speed, talking so fast and complexly that they have no idea what I just said.  No masking, just a mind staring them straight in the face.  After that folks realize, just because I work retail (albeit books) does not mean I'm stupid.

The vague concept souls, those you play twenty questions with and sometimes you can triangulate something, but other times these folks have absolutely no clue about what they want, need, or even like.  They have no active opinion; it is mind boggling and can be extremely trying because it is such an alien concept.  When  your brain is so far ahead of everyone else it is at a point of lapping others it is a weird place to be.

At the same time, I know there is a metric ton of stuff I have functional stupidity with.  Spacial reasoning tasks like parallel parking, anything arts and crafts related, algebra, chemistry, etc.

I cannot live on my own (reasons stemming from medical to monetary).  Things like paperwork, bureaucracy, automated phone systems, etc put me into total meltdown mode.  The DMV is one of the circles of hell as far as I'm concerned.  My car stuff is current but only because I can do everything online.  I cannot underthink something.  I only know how to overthink and I can miss the obvious.


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## Darkkin (Mar 27, 2022)

I cleaned out and organized my dresser and closet tonight.  One full basket for donation, one bag of trash including wornout shoes.  There were a few things I had forgotten I had, but overall I've been pretty good about wearing what I have.  Stuff that made the donation pile hadn't been worn in more than a year and/or only once.  It is a chore most people hate, but it puts my world in balance and refreshes my mental inventory.  New from the back of the closet fashion is always fun.


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## Darkkin (Mar 28, 2022)

I tend to reread certain books at the same time each year.  I have another picture from last year, two weeks earlier, same book, same cat, different room.


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## Sinister (Mar 28, 2022)

"Nora Roberts?  You just outed yourself, Darkkin.  It's not even one of the cool J.D. Robb books."  -Someone who has never read Nora Roberts.

I hope you're happy, I had to interrupt my Randy Wayne White and Dean Koontz reading to book-shame you.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Mar 28, 2022)

Nora Roberts is one of my favourite authors, her prose style is lush, much akin to Lucy Maude Montgomery.  I love books set in pretty places because it makes for more comfortable reading.  I've always lived in safe, pretty places (definitely acknowledging privilege on that point), so authors who use similar settings are easier to sink into.  If something is off or bothersome it can yank me out of a book.

Uncomfortable nonfiction or privation in fantasy novels are something entirely separate and expected in those instances, but I can't sink into cozy genre if it isn't somewhat comfortable.  If I don't like the setting of a book, I don't want to be there.  Same thing with characters I don't like.


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## Sinister (Mar 28, 2022)

I admit, that a great setting can really make a book and it's a special author that can sink you into a setting.  Sadly, most of my books that I read are written by authors that can't or don't do that.  That said, it's worth pointing out that there has NEVER been a female member of my immediate family that did not read Nora Roberts.  I can name five off the top of my head that do.  I'm beginning to get curious of what's actually in them.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Apr 2, 2022)

'We wants it; we needs it.'  - Gollum

I like a glass of milk with my stack of sandwich cookies, ergo Potato Cat thinks he needs my glass of milk. Nope.  Sorry Potato Cat.  Unlike me, my kitty has food sensitivities.  No carbs, no dairy.  He cannot digest it.


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## Darkkin (Apr 3, 2022)

NaPoem 2022

April Is:

Autism Awareness
National Poetry

and still those
who speak
for these things
of these things

do not understand
nor comprehend
that of which
they speak

do not light it up blue
to find the missing piece
that lost bit of metaphor
where literal is literal truth

so versed in savantism
and functional stupidity
hyperbole becomes ironic


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 3, 2022)

It seems obvious to state, but we can't ignore people with autism. Being misdiagnosed is a big deal. It affects people without accommodations. I was one of those. A teacher who wasn't a psychologist I assume once said I had aspergers. I didn't know what Aspergers was at the time to even react. That was when I hadn't graduated high school. However, I was diagnosed as mentioned close to 26 years old at a hospital and not school.

 My mother would take lots of folic acid since it was recommended by her doctor when she was pregnant with me.  Research suggests it causes autism in some pregnant mothers newborn children when this vitamin is taken excessively. It is suppose to help prevent birth defects in children and in my country aspergers is rarely talked about.

Anyways, awareness for autism month. I agree with the rationale. I didn't know April was autism awareness month.

I feel bad when autistic peers can't cope well in the world. What can one do? Emotions can mishandled and there can be miscommunication because of loss of social cues.


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## Darkkin (Apr 3, 2022)

Being an introvert (INFJ), it is a topic I find intetesting, but taking a closer look at the archetype of alone time, the pain of small talk, the need to understand human nature, a need for routine and order, inherent creativity and need for an outlet for it, the many of the hallmarks of autism come screaming out.

Percentage-wise we're talking about 1 - 2% of the population.  Percentage of autism occurence  within the general population is estimated at 2.4%, but under and misdiagnosis among women and minority populations could realistically that number as high as 4%.

Not saying there is a provable link since the Myers-Briggs personality tests are not scientifically based, but those with INFJs tend to display the hallmark traits of autism.  And many INFJs, (females in particular), will tell you they have been call quirky, weird, shy, particular, hoity-toity, stuck up, snobby, neurotic, an old soul, high strung, and/or highly sensitive.  The terms indigo and/or star child have also been used.

And just to see if this observation has been made before, Google is saying their is a decided correlation, (not causation) between INFJ and INTJs tend to be the most common personality types on the spectrum.  A major common trait among them is we tend to be high IQ, lower support needs.  (Asperger's specifically in the literature, (ranging from 2012 - 2020), but the term was removed from the DSM-V in 2012.)

You can be INFJ or INTJ and not be autistic, but your chances of being one of these and not neurodivergent are going to be slim.  Brain biology plays a big role in our personality and divergences have a huge genetic component.

Studies using the MBTI have shown that upto 41% of INFPs, INFJ of 14%, ENFPs of 13.1% have diagnosed ADHD and almost 60% of ADHDers have at least one comorbidity.  40 - 60% of autistic have an ADHD comorbidity.  If you have an IN(??) chances are you have a divergency of some kind.  And while not a diagnostic tool, the MBTI it is a decent indicator that further testing might be a good idea.

And out of all of this, the ADHD INFJ number of 14% is mind boggling.  1 - 2% of the entire population is INFJ and 14% of INFJs in studies have diagnosed ADHD.


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## Darkkin (Apr 4, 2022)

New book on the autistic community by the autistic community.  We are not broken.  We do not need a cure.  We do not want a cure.  We just want to be human and exist as we are.


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## Sinister (Apr 4, 2022)

Darkkin said:


> New book on the autistic community by the autistic community.  We are not broken.  We do not need a cure.  We do not want a cure.  We just want to be human and exist as we are.


I agree with this only with one reservation.

By repeating that like a mantra to people who never accused us of being broken or needing a cure, it sounds like someone harboring a secret insecurity.  So, what if we *are *on the isle of misfit toys?  I'm not saying we are, but only by confronting that possibility are we able to exclude the idea that we are in denial.  If we are truly broken or disadvantaged, then sobeit.  Who in this life has no fault, flaw or short-coming?  Humans are only equal in the ways that we are all life's cripple by some magnitude.  It is by how we leverage ourselves against a challenge that we prove ourselves a victor.  Not by denying the negative aspect of what we are.  A person with only one leg does not go around telling the world that they are as God intended.  But that same person can, having absorbed their flaw, train, apply themselves and put to shame the greater majority of two-legged people.

I am autistic.  If I am broken, then I will remake myself better.  If I need a cure, then I'll make it myself.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Apr 10, 2022)

This is what Potato Cat does with his bags.  Never in, only on.  My cat is not normal.

Potato aside, I wasn't planning on going out today, but Best Friend reminded me, I promised to go to the co-op with her. It's downtown, so she drove.

We browsed through some of the little shops and I found two little semi-percious stones, a bear and a rabbit, to add to my collection of cluttery critters. (Those I've collected and played with since I was really little.)

Since it was a pretty decent day we walked to the co-op. Three steps in the door I found a very sad German Ivy. It was on clearance for a $1.50. I couldn't leave the poor thing there, so we did a circuit of the store while I had this plant balanced on my open palm.

(That particular trait is one of my stims, if I am holding something be it a box, book, or plant, I find its center of gravity and proceed to balance it on my hand. I do it without thinking and people tend to focus on the balanced object rather than me. Far less risk of eye contact.)

Anywho, I also got the bumper sticker, I had been wanting as well as my plant and we headed home. My new ivy has been repotted, an ancient geranium laid to rest, and my critters dusted and sorted.

I'm currently flipping between Extreme Couponing and Hoarders and feeling heathenishly virtuous about the state of my home and habits. 

 I know I am compulsively tidy and rooted in my routines, but my home is safe, it's clean, and my boys have space to play.  I can do everyday tasks and I don't worry if a friend drops by.  It is a space you want to linger, bright, warm, and hygge.

I have motivational anxiety and in spite of the freak outs it has caused, it does have a very important purpose.


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## Darkkin (Apr 12, 2022)

I had a long shift at work today, but I still had a piece I needed to do for NaPoem (30 poems in 30 days). I've been listening to Hand In My Pocket by Alanis Morrisette (1995), and I wanted to do a Cento that incorporated the lyrics when I went on break (30 minutes).

Usually stuff like this takes me about 15 minutes, 20 if I'm struggling. Between spotty internet, techy snags, and my own brain, I was ready to just bang my head on the table or throw my tablet. I didn't, but lord, was I tempted. No technology tolerance. Thirty minutes and nothing I could even work with. Cue flat affect.

I was stormy inside, but no one could tell. My break comes around again (15 minutes), and I just deleted the whole damn thing. This is something I never do, but in this case, it was clean slate or meltdown. (And I still had another 2.5 hours of work to go.) I deleted with glee, took a look at my parts and restarted. While I didn't finish, I got a reasonable start and finished it when I got home.

I nearly had a meltdown because my piece wasn't working. All that frustration totally self- inflicted. I knew what was happening and I was too fixated to put the puzzle down.


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 12, 2022)

I have always felt I wanted to stand out somewhere in a way that I would get noticed by people. It happens maybe to all people with autism sometime in their life. When I wasn't interested in writing it use to be biology of the earth sciences nature. I would also play card games. One way to get noticed is by playing the same deck year after year. At first I thought because when I was in high school that my online friends were into building original decks. As time went on I was disliked simply for playing not very competitive decks because they were original ( not based on what was winning in tournaments and writing was a minor hobby). On the forum if you did not play what other people were playing they thought I was a weak player. But the card game I used to play wasn't balanced.

Anyways, I hope I have time to read more works here. I am taking my kindle tablet. There is no guarantee the pc will go. I can't take the Mac since it an air mac. It's expensive and scraps easily.

To whether to reply to stories or poems I will be limited by a kindle tablet.

Right now in a few minutes they have to take our blood to certify we do not have covid.

I have nothing better to do than read. I will try. Last time I took a flight it was around 20 hours or close to it combined.

My mother will arrive any moment now so that me and my parents take that test.


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## RosesPoetryOfficial (Apr 12, 2022)

I'm also an INFJ and deal with the "being too sensitive". I have wondered if I was neurodivergent due to sensory overload and other similar issues because a lot of people in my family are. Though I believe those symptoms are related to anxiety, depression, and possible ptsd. I find it really interesting to study the personalities as they're eerily accurate. Even though I'm not neurodivergent I have struggled with mental health issues for the last years of my life and it's so exhausting to deal with the lack of understanding and accommodations. The mental health world is a joke and they fail so many people daily. It takes a ridiculous time to get called back and taken care of. I wish that people were also educated in school about mental health issues and neurodivergence as a lot of the triggers and struggles are similar in one way or another. Additionally, schools should have quiet places and areas that work as a safe place to calm down. Whenever I was panicked I had to tough it out in the bathroom. There definitely needs to be a mindset shift around people with a variety of personality/mental disorders. That's one nice thing I have noticed on the internet. As time goes on more people are trying to fix the stigmas around these particular topics and provide more support. Also potato cat is very cute.


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## Darkkin (Apr 13, 2022)

Dealt with some massive frustration this afternoon.  It wasn't anything meant to be rude, but within the autisitc community, the neurodivergent community and marginalised groups as a whole, the phrase:  We are all a little ______ can be seen as demeaning.  I won't lie and say it didn't bother me.  It bothered me a lot.  It is a ridiculously common comment, but just like the term, irregardless, which you know is wrong.  Consider what you think when you hear it, how does that person sound.  That feeling right there.  Remember it because the situations are identical.  Cue more concise phrasing:  Understand or empathise.  Never minimize the struggles of others to show understanding.

Even though I was bothered by the comment, there was no point in being waspish about it when the context within the autisitc community was not understood.  I pulled out Echo, Lore, and Lollop and let my Lollop rage against the Wendigo.  It was a good mad write.  Two juggernaut level works and a straight to the point social commentary.


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## Darkkin (Apr 13, 2022)

Here's Rue Dog and Doyouthinkhesaurus silently judging you.


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## Darkkin (Apr 15, 2022)

What does functional stupidity look like?  Genius level IQ, I should be able to handle a grocery run after work.  Stopped, found everything I needed.

Chicken thighs were on sale for 3.99, so I picked up two packages.  One for stir-fry tomorrow night and the other to freeze.

Get home, put everything away and ask BF if she had stuck the both packages of chicken in the freezer.  Nobody put the chicken anywhere because I forgot it at the store.

BF calls, yup, they have my chicken.  Drive back all 1.4 miles, run in grab my chicken and tell the gal who checked me out and found the chicken thank you again.


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## Darkkin (Apr 16, 2022)

'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.'  - Vishnu

If he wanted to Potato Cat could rage through everything on my kitchen table like Godzilla, but he doesn't. He truly is a gentle soul.  And he found Waldo.


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## Darkkin (Apr 16, 2022)

I have several marble run sets so I don't need any more, but then I saw the magnetic one.  This is the definition of covet.

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC Magnetic Marble Run - 50-Piece STEM Building Set for Kids & Adults with Magnetic Track & Trick Pieces, & Marbles for Building A Marble Maze Anywhere Magnets Stick https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09DTS6MTK/?tag=writingforu0c-20


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## Darkkin (Apr 19, 2022)

I needed to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work. I needed fruit snacks, crackers (which were on uber sale, yeah!), juice, and a couple other things.

I found everything I needed and got in line. (I categorically refuse to use those yammering self checkouts and there was no You Bag line open.)

The bagger who crushed my carton of eggs last time by putting canned goods and a five pound bag of dog food, which actually did not need a bag, on top of eggs and bread was there...

My order goes down the belt. The checker asked if I needed the milk or juice bagged. I said no. Checker passed on the information to the bagger, who said, 'I heard. I have ears. God.'

Needless to say, I thought that reaction was just plain rude because this checker was just covering his bases.

Bagger then proceeds to try and bag both my milk and juice in plastic. I never use plastic. I politely pointed out that I didn't want either item bagged, and I preferred paper. The rest of the order came down the belt and bagger guy starts putting each individual item in a separate plastic bag.

Nope.

I flat out looked him in the face (which tells you just how irked I was because I never make eye contact) and told him that his bagging method was completely illogical, geometrical speaking.

I popped open a paper bag, pulled my purchases out of the half dozen plastic bags (e.g. I had three boxes of crackers and he was putting one box per bag), and rebagged them neatly into a single paper bag in less than a minute.

My reply to the awkward silence: 'Geometrically speaking, keep like with like and stack. Not everyone has the finger span to carry a dozen bags to and from their car.'

The checker gave me a smile and a thumbs up. I felt so bad for him because he had to deal with that bagger.

I know I bordered on rude, but he was rude to the checker and did not listen to a thing anyone said, instead just plowed carelessly ahead.

Usually I won't stir the pot, but when there had been a previous incident, rude behavior toward a fellow employee, and continued carelessness. I needed to say something because that is not okay.


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 20, 2022)

I avoid eye contact too when possible. It makes me feel anxiety. This happens except with family. I don't have a lot of social interaction. In the airport when I took the line to get the airport ticket I felt a lot more than other times. When at my home I don't leave the house except to see people I know such as people who work for us, family, and friends. I am used to seeing their faces. Now that I am at my brother's house there are a lot of unfamiliar faces and I walk out a lot. We walk long distances. When I use to be a school teacher I think I experienced sensory overload. I had to deal with anxiety there too. But there you are surrounded by people everywhere you go. This experience is the same with me. When my brother invites friends he is social outgoing, I encounter that. The strange thing with sensory overload or what I felt is that I felt so much pain and did not know if I was going to live. It was the only time it happened. I was so afraid of feeling such a pain so intense and was depressed that I wanted to harm myself (I was afraid it would happen again and didn't know if would live because the pain was too much. It happened during a nap after I had immense headaches). That was when the doctor speculated that I had autism. Along with my suspicions of some kind of schizophrenia since I experienced a psychosis at a school. They evaluated me. All I knew is when I got therapy for the attempt to hurt myself is that I had a type of schizophrenia. This wouldn't be discovered until I came to my home country when my current doctor helped me. As a result of this if I ever study again I would be careful what job I picked. I wish I could study a career that needs math, but because of all the world crises. The taxes have increased for both lower middle class and upper but the rich aren't taxed. They say that online distance is good for people with emotional disabilities and others. Before I embark on that I need to seek counseling. I think I need help with basic skills. I heard occupational therapy helps people with all sorts of issues. I know a doctor who does that. Anyways, I suppose this is a good post to discuss if anyone has any ideas on how to overcome my challenges and to get a job.


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## Sinister (Apr 21, 2022)

New therapist:  "What seems to be the problem?"

My inner mind: "$#%)!  It's like I didn't use a memory save card."

Me:  "Hi.  It's nice to meet you too."

-Sin


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## Sinister (Apr 26, 2022)

Love the new therapist.  It was definitely an improvement.  She does her best to relate, despite that being a hell of a job.  For a fraction of a second I felt a flicker of self-confidence and felt good about myself.  It's kind of a revelation when you feel that and realize you haven't felt that way for a few years.  I have tons of a homework, but that's cool.

The weird part?  I'm grappling with something I did not expect.  Do I really want to feel better?  I thought I did.  But this is unexpected and I hate unexpected things, lol.  I guess, for the first time in a long time I felt how awful goodness is and pined my loss.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Apr 26, 2022)

Tuesdays, tidiness, and Rue Dog.  All good things...


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 26, 2022)

Wish I had a therapist. Good luck with making progress. The specialty or psychotherapist in my case is difficult to find with a medical internist. I could when I return ask my current doctor.
Anything you want to share? We can probably learn a few things.


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## Darkkin (Apr 26, 2022)

@Sinister 

Glad to hear you clicked with your therapist.


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## Sinister (Apr 26, 2022)

Theglasshouse said:


> Wish I had a therapist. Good luck with making progress. The specialty or psychotherapist in my case is difficult to find with a medical internist. I could when I return ask my current doctor.
> Anything you want to share? We can probably learn a few things.


My problems all spiral around communication and self-confidence/self-worth.  Which is ironic, because a lot of people in my life always felt that I was secretly convinced I was somehow better than them.  Hilarious.

Right now, I'm focusing on accumulating accomplishments and balancing that with doing things that I find relaxing.  So, I write down when I have accomplished something that I specifically feel is an accomplishment.  It has to meet my standard.  For every two things per day that I accomplish, I earn one thing that I love to do.  That way I increase the incidents of both.

As for communication, we haven't tackled that one yet, other than the sessions themselves.  I'm beginning to suspect therapy is only as good as a therapist.  I'll check back later as the therapy progresses.

But, back when I taught Literature and MLA format I had a student who hated English and Literature.  Name was Noah.  Good kid.  Homeschooled, like we all were.  I remember he sought my help with the pre-approved term paper because he couldn't meet the word limit.  I worked one on one with him, while his mother supervised.  By the end of the year, he wanted to go into Literature and make it his major in college.  That was my grand contribution to society.  Changing one child's opinion on Literature.  Despite, how minor it might seem, my therapist drug that memory up and to this very minute it makes me smile.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 26, 2022)

That's very good. Mine used to center on depression. The only therapy session I took first started with depression. Prairie hostage posted something similar once on this forum that I spotted in her post which is a better translation which she did so and I believe it is the same thing( this is the second time I post this but altered somewhat). In Spanish if I translated it: think, feel, behave.
If we think a sad thought such as the passing of a person for example we think this is terrible. Feeling sad we get depressed. I suspect this is where we fit in some coping mechanisms and activities and try to overcome the thought. Then at the last stage we grieve the dead person (behave). Some patients going through this know the implications. She did want me to go take a job teaching people to speak English at that time. But I was so inexperienced that I couldn't and my disease. Doing a job you like is good therapy. Like you she gave me work to do but I don't remember what it was. At the time I was so stressed and depressed I could not study or read. With dyslexia this made things worse.


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## Darkkin (Apr 27, 2022)

I know I already popped this book on here, but this book is not just another book of suggestions and systems to corral and contain one's junk...

If you struggle with task initiation, organization, chores, and/or care tasks...this book is a truly human approach. (Think antithesis of Marie Kondo.)

As a neat freak myself this book made me feel positively virtuous. Written by a counselor, who is ADHD and deals with depression, it tackles chores and organization from a very real place.

The book is also designed for ND readers, kinda of like a choose your own adventure chore template.


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## Theglasshouse (Apr 28, 2022)

I bought a self-help book on dyslexia. Here are some tips for organization. It might help someone else. I admit I am not too organized. I bought this book since I was interested in what strategies the author who is an expert had available to share for literary skills.
1. Outline the task before you start. 2. Break the task down into smaller pieces. 3. Set dates for working on smaller tasks (mini goals). 4. Make a priority list. 5. Make your own schedule of how to use your time.
INSTRUCTIONS: Part 2. Now create your own graphic organizer for your leisure or work activities. The steps might include the following: 1. Decide what you want to organize.
2. Note all the associated activities. For example, if you’re creating a graphic organizer for your leisure activities, write all the activities you’ll be doing in the week. 3. Decide how you want to display them. Will you arrange them in a chart, circles, day- by- day planner, or activity themes, such as sports, social, and relaxation?
4. Place each activity into the organizer. You can write, draw,or even make an icon of the activity. 5. You can use color to give order to the importance of the activities. 6. Then you can take a photo of the organizer and keep it on your phone for reference.
From the: The dyslexia adult workbook.

As someone who is obsessed with writing short stories I know how valuable this could be.


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## Darkkin (Apr 29, 2022)

This book, it is the creative process in a nutshell.  When it is done, it is done.


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## Darkkin (Apr 30, 2022)

Lioness of Spoons

And the Donkey brayed
a claim as bold as brass
stupidity and ignorance
an auriole of pyrite

Oh, how he adored
that trumpery crown

And the Tiger roared
a counter, sharp as glass
truth in every cutting word
a foundation of stone

Oh, he stood so firm
on the bedrock facts

And day and night
to and fro the volleys
flew with no peace

So the Donkey clad
in all his pyrite glory
went with the Tiger
who deemed to descend
from his bedrock perch

And they sought her out
the wily old tribal queen
the last remaining friend
of the Elephant, Memory.

At the edge of the Baobab
woodland they found her
on a plinth of worn stone
still warm from the sun

With one eye misted silver
the other still molten gold
she turned her attention
from the stories of the stars

And listened as the Donkey brayed...
yet for the Tiger, she silenced him
for a period of three tidal turns

Vindicated, the Donkey continued
to voice the glory of a pyrite crown
oblivious to all else beyond him

And the Tiger, his roar stilled,
sought the wise golden eye
of the venerable tribal queen
and he found his answer

as her sole working eye
found the pyrite crown
of that stupid, braying ass

Her gaze said everything
wisdom without a sound
for she knew of the worth
woven into her own crown

a crown of tarnished spoons


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## Theglasshouse (May 1, 2022)

I like the story in the poem of the donkey and the queen ( seeing pyrite as the opposition or conflict in the poem). I know you are very passionate concerning writing poems. I think I remember pyrite once being called Fool's Gold ( don't remember where). I do know the expression. Also connects with all that glitters isn't gold which means the best things in life are worth more than gold. It is the antithesis of many concepts in life about money being inferior. Shakespeare's poems and plays made him famous. Anyways, I am trying to decipher the message of the poem. They say poems should have a message. Is that true in every case? I am guessing tarnished spoons probably means in the end the value was not placed on the gold. If you will they became rusted or tarnished in ruin over time. Thanks for sharing.


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## Darkkin (May 1, 2022)

Pyrite is also known as Fool's Gold.  But the donkey does not care.  His crown is gold and shiny.  He quite liteerally doesn't care that he is seen and acknowledged as an ignorant fool.  He does nothing to better his understanding or open his mind.  The tiger, sentenced to silence, is made to reflect on arguing with fools.  It is a pointless endeavour, despite the tiger being factulally correct.  The lioness, even with one eye blinded, sees the idocy of the donkey and the tiger throwing effort after foolishness.  With one look she points out that which is obvious.  As for the spoons, they are precious commoditiy of one's time and effort.

A token often under apppreciated and taken for granted.  Google spoon theory.


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## Theglasshouse (May 6, 2022)

I am tired. However, some poets here are very prolific. I will try to make a post tomorrow. I need to go to bed soon.


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## Darkkin (May 10, 2022)

Judgy cat, new author, new playlist.


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## Darkkin (May 12, 2022)

This is what humour looks like and why 'It is a difficult concept.'


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## Sinister (May 15, 2022)

I completed an LM story entry, which believe it or not, was a request from my therapist.  I have an appointment with her tomorrow.  It felt like pulling teeth.  This was the second story I wrote for the Candlelight prompt.  I wrote the first and thought it was too dark and depressing.  It was inspired by the story of Blanche Monnier and I honestly just wasn't feeling it.

I'm not feeling all that well, to be honest.  I'm not quite sure why.  There's something about this state of being that is impossible to explain to a therapist...or to yourself...or in general.  It's not a logical feeling which makes it impossible for me to grapple with.  Very unsatisfying.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (May 23, 2022)

Long boy.  Light read.  Autistic MC.


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## Theglasshouse (May 23, 2022)

A repeated idea I have read about in some places, such as websites, is that autistic individuals can be very talented in the area that is of their chief interest. So I don't know if this is common in literature with autistic main characters.

In the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime, the autistic boy I believe has both a flaw and talent depending on how one sees it. In the end, like in many stories, he (the mc) receives a reward for all his efforts (not to spoil it). I haven't been able to read it yet (it is still on my reading wish list). I am always reading about how to improve writing in general as of very recent times. So that has made it difficult. I depend on my parents. But I hope to do some more reading of such books. It interests me to depict an autistic character and my reading opportunities aren't many.

I recently have seen my pet dog, who used to be given scraps of food, turn into a good mother of puppies. She gave birth less than a week ago.

I have in the past been able to devour books quickly back when Harry Potter became famous. I wondered if I lost that ability.

I am reminding my mother of my disabilities (dyslexia). I hope the appointment for that will be very soon.

Speaking from my experience others I think would describe me as socially awakward. Besides all the explanations from students and peers in schools. Reading from the brief blurb the book of the curious dog in the nighttime I think this is true. It's also true of many people with autism I think. Many people with autism don't feel like they fit it society. I used to be obsessed with science. I also would supposedly withdraw from the company of other students since according to the teachers I wanted to be alone. But then I didn't get along with the most popular kids. I felt alienated by how they treated me. 

Anyways, they have made advances in the behavioral sciences, and disabilities. Not that autism is a disability, but that it is just a different personality.


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## Darkkin (May 24, 2022)

It's Tuesday...and Beaker.


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## Darkkin (May 28, 2022)




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## Sinister (May 29, 2022)

Lost another therapist.  Maternity leave; knew it was going to happen, obviously.  Honestly, I'm just hoping she and the baby are okay and doing well.  She's a kind and interesting soul and I'm sure will make a fine parent.  I wish her nothing but the best.  I am not at all thrilled about talking to someone else, but I think it's a healthy thing for me to deal/cope with.  

I think my agoraphobia has put me at odds with my mother.  She seems to think I'm abandoning her.  Injurious.  I love her beyond words and would give anything to spend more time with her.  Deep down, I hope she knows and realizes, but who can be sure.  I'll have opportunities to make it up to her.  Just not now.  I'm in full relapse.  The atmosphere out there is poison, I can feel it.  Plus, I have a million things to do here.  ...just...y'know...millions of things to do.

God, I hate summer.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (May 29, 2022)

I think at least the therapy will help you once you find a person willing to take the job. If it applies to you have you thought about occupational therapy when you get a new therapist? Maybe a good therapist could help with this type of therapy. Do you want to work from home? I think you could study at home. Then get a job that helps you gradually transition outside home if that is what your family desires. Whatever your situation occupational therapy is another option a lot of people don't know about. But sounds as if you had a psychotherapist or a therapist who gives psychotherapy. The more options the merrier.


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## Sinister (May 29, 2022)

I have a job and other sources of income, despite a rather sizeable debt that steals most of it.  I do work from home.  I would be fine with my lifestyle, honestly.  My family is not and it has been repeatedly mentioned how "unhealthy" living alone in a house and never going out is.  Plus, frankly, I think they're a little irked with me.  They deliver food to me and I pay them for the groceries, but with gas prices the way they are now.  Anyway, I have to leave the house more and establish myself in some sort of social system.  And I'm certain they wish I had a more interactive occupation, one that gets me in the habit of being around people.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (May 29, 2022)

The benefits of occupational therapy is that it helps you cope with emotional problems especially if you have an emotional disability or any that needs like-minded people who think like you to support you in what you do at the job. Maybe that exists for agoraphobia and so on. I have been insisting on this for me, but to convince my parents requires patience. Some psychological trait that makes me give up sometimes. But I can be tenacious and determined. My parents will listen however they always have an agenda which costs too much money ( building a house). That aggravates me. So to my understanding occupational therapy can help you transition to more social job which might increase your payment for your services. They even to my interpretation help schizoaffective patients transition to the university.


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## Sinister (Jun 1, 2022)

My mother wants me to go to Kentucky Kingdom with her THIS saturday.  If you don't know, it's a theme park now owned by Dolly Parton.  It's a lovely place and I have fun when I go on these things.  But I just...  I can't.  I cannot.  I HATE it.

If she had said a week from now?  Then yes.  If she had given me more than three days notice, then yes.  But, because of the agoraphobia, I have to plan to leave the house.  I have to mentally prepare.  I have to psych myself up to go.  But I already turned her down on a kayaking trip, she's going to think I'm avoiding her or don't love her...  God, how have I become so dependent on a house that I hate?  I feel like someone who has grown attached to their abuser, like some parasitic twin, slowly absorbing into the walls and I have to chip myself out of the brick and gypsum to leave it.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Jun 1, 2022)

Something to consider, maybe let your mom know you do better with outings when you have sufficient notice to get comfortable with the idea.


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## Darkkin (Jun 1, 2022)




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## Sinister (Jun 2, 2022)

Oh...she knows.  But sometimes you tell someone something and they nod their heads and next week it's:  "Hey, want to go to a concert tomorrow in Nashville with me and a few friends?"  And you tell them again and they're like:  "Oh, I know, but this is Nashville and it's a music concert, not a theme park or kayaking."  As if I have to confirm that any and all outings are the same.

Also, I have curio for you all:


Any thoughts on that?

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 2, 2022)

The rain falling during a downpour taking place bothered me recently. Some days ago there was a noisy storm. Of course it only bothered me. Because I know no one cares about downpours when inside my grandmothers house. It made it almost impossible to read even. This comment is also coming from someone with attention deficit disorder (supposedly have this). But as mentioned autism wasn't detected by a psychiatrist until very late (the symptoms of a kind of schizophrenia was being detected, but I had no diagnosis that was final until I saw my current doctor who helped me know what it was). They were thinking it was bipolar disorder or something else. The video provides a nifty explanation and gave me a hearty laugh. The car sounds are somewhat exaggerated, but I definitely understand the examples of this real life situation.

Even my mother's tv bothers me, the sound of a dog barking that breaks my concentration. But rain takes the prize as something that is seamlessly not noisy to family is bothersome to me but not to other people.


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## Darkkin (Jun 2, 2022)

This my tunnel dwelling owl cat...


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## Darkkin (Jun 12, 2022)

Today is a world away from last week.  Last week I had a system wide shutdown.  I was not okay in any way, shape, or form.  Today, I was okay enough to want to take Rue Dog for walk.  And it has been a while since I wanted to do that.  It was a lovely jaunt.


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 12, 2022)

Today a former student with autism who had studied to be a journalist gave a speech on TV. In my own country he has appeared on tv. He has decried the lack of inclusion in my country. They are lots of people with autism of various levels who have not been to the university. They were bullied when young just like me. I was somewhat moved by his speech although I tend to be emotionally numb. The special education teacher who works at the state department appeared on the tv program and it was televised today. She is the head of the education department in my country. The legislative branch or a congresswoman with a son with autism appeared on tv. She talked at length and gave a phone number for people with autism and other special needs for them to call. I wrote it down. I hope they speed the process. It's been since 2013 since I came back. I knew they had no way to integrate people into the classroom. In the university they supposedly make fun of you and discriminate. But there is an ongoing program she manages that is responsible for people with autism to transition to the university. So as of this typing I wrote it down. It's a promising plan yet to be implemented by the president, and in schools work has been done but not at the university level. I hope learning styles are taken in mind when I do make a phone call to what I believe is the state department of education. Because speech therapists are important. I hope to report something productive out of this. For the next week or before or the next. It's a promising change.


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## Sinister (Jun 19, 2022)

I'm having auditory hallucinations.  I have to be.  I can hear them as I'm typing this.  WTH...  I've *never* had hallucinations before.  It sounds like a radio just out of earshot.  Like I can feel the rhythm of the broadcast and I can hear generic electronic chatter, but no actual words or real music.  Like the noise of the AC, the push notifications from WF and the sounds of the dogs moving around in the living room, but behind it is this...like a running TV with commercials on?

This is it, isn't it?  I'm finally losing it.  I knew it would happen eventually.  Wasn't wound all that tight to begin with.  I don't suppose it could be the dosage on my meds?  My doctor just upped them.

I can't with this right now.  I'm just gonna go back to sleep.  While I'm gone, someone please tell me this is a common side-effect of some meds.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 19, 2022)

I am not a doctor. I recommend you tell a professional what is happening. Bring your family to the appointment or anyone who has interacted with you (your closest family, friends, acquaintances, people who have treated you). Seek counseling and bring them in to the psychiatric appointment. Since I speak in two languages. The voices would speak only in English. I recommend you have someone to talk to on the phone and explain what is going on. If there are no people next to you when at home I would imagine it would be easier to know if these are voices. It's trickier when people talk to you. Since you can't tell if they were talking to you. For example when people talked on the phone I confused the activity of picking up the phone with auditory hallucinations since I had enemies at the time. I was depressed during the time I had voices. If you withdraw medication that could also be a cause sadly and unfortunately. Speak with a doctor urgently. They will certainly ask your family for interviews.


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## Sinister (Jun 19, 2022)

Yeah...I...cannot do that.  If word got around, in my family, that I was hearing voices or even just whatever the hell this is/was...  There are people in my immediate family who would argue that I need to be removed from my home.  Hell, maybe even placed at "Western State".  I refuse to be a compulsory admission...and moreover, I cannot lose my house.

But, you're right, my GP needs to know.  Besides, this can't be anything more than like an advanced or peculiar tinnitus...  I haven't heard any distinct voices, especially none that have any discernable message.  So even though I live alone, it isn't easier, per se, because it doesn't sound like someone talking.  It sounds like I left a TV on a low volume in a distant room, or that someone has a radio outside the house turned up really loud.  And so far as I can tell I only had one incidence of it that lasted about thirty minutes.  If it happens, y'know...more frequently, then, yeah that's cause for concern, clearly.

The whole thing just scared me because, well, it has never happened to me before, y'know?  It's a pretty shocking experience, to anyone.  I'll tell my therapist and my GP.  If it happens again at all in spite of their advice or methods, then I'll tell my family.  I'd do anything to keep my house, even as much as I may hate it.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 19, 2022)

Look up the sideffects of your medication which can be numerous as you were contemplating in your post which can name the symptom. My medication that I take may have side effects. Many of which are on the internet which is a click away from discovering. Many medicines lower white blood cell counts, can cause constipation that is severe. It my case the most serious side effect named that affected me was dementia which I overcame with vitamin B complexes I presume (no doctor told me that would work). Can cause serious secondary effects. Hearing voices requires a different sort of treatment. I imagine they would probably try to find a medicine that covers the anxiety and whatever the problem is if it really is voices. You might be lucky. My medicine for anxiety treats multiple diseases. Whatever you do if you go to the psychiatrist is to not take lithium under any circumstances. Sometimes there is lithium in your medicine and the doctor doesn't say a thing about it to not worry you. I don't take it because I knew how poisonous it was and told the psychiatrist upfront. Take it easy and don't worry yet.

I could find myself before I was treated hearing voices confusing a noise with a voice. The various noises were sounding in the background. Not like you. If I heard a voice for instance anywhere from the phone, radio, it felt like a muffled voice that made me feel that the voice transformed into a human-like voice that you don't know your subconscious is thinking about always. I don't know how to explain it. Imagine it quiet, and then the television starts talking. The voice then is your brain transforming what is happening on the tv into a voice that torments you with worry because it is usually hurtful voices from your past maybe in childhood or years before that something bad happened.

But the brain is talking to itself if you had a schizophrenia-like type of disease. Think if you hear voices to reason that these voices could be from your subconscious. In my case they are always about the same subject. They are always about the same troublesome people I met a long time ago and what they said.

Imagine a voice that becomes muffled the further away you are from the source of the noise. I would say for example the neighbor's house could be a case. You cannot logically hear clearly what the neighbor says. I say logically because the reasoning becomes that it's not possible. When I had my problems, I thought the neighbors, the people on the phone were talking about me without the stereo on or speaker mode on (it was inaudible. My mind tricked me. I was suspecting my brother was talking with one of my old time enemies on the phone years ago.) My oldest brother was able to detect the anomaly that it wasn't possible and they sent me to check my meds. When I figured it was the mind talking to itself I told the doctor.

Stress, heredity, and depression are the causes usually, but withdrawal of medicine as mentioned can make that more possible. I have had in in extended family 5 people with a kind of schizophrenia including my great-grandmother on my mother's side.

Look up the side effects. I don't know if this is a hallucination. Could be worth researching since I never experienced anything like that it seems. I am giving you an idea on how mine took place in my mind. I usually interacted with people which caused this symptom of hallucination which I don't know if that is what you are experiencing.

Nagging old worries, insecurities, hurtful things people have said to you can become in a schizoaffective person the subject of the hallucination. It also worsens under stress according to someone I know who use to come to this forum and had a type of schizophrenia. That was Tkent I believe and he had a similar disease to me which was a diagnosis of it but not schizoaffective disorder. Mostly it happened when around people.

Today there are therapies that treat stress and depression if that is what is causing the disease. We don't know yet. it could be a side effect. Do your research and don't say anything that it is a voice. Explain the symptons exactly as was happening to a doctor if the side effects can't explain what is happening.  Don't ever say voice. What they can do is teach you the symptoms of your disease if they suspect a different diagnosis.I hope by just saying what happened that your doctor knows what happened. I hope I am not worrying you. Relax and do what you need to do to feel better since saying you heard a voice or have a  diagnosis is a serious change. Let the doctor determine that for you is what I am saying. However, you will have a sense of what the voice is (but I confess this is how it happened to me), if it ever happens. Again relax, and enjoy your day today, and try not to worry or think too much about of what could be a problem.


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## Darkkin (Jun 24, 2022)

He was less than a pound when I got him...


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## Darkkin (Jun 25, 2022)

Nerd haul...no special interests here.  Not at all.


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## Theglasshouse (Jun 25, 2022)

They did a march here yesterday for autism. They are getting representation because of the person I mentioned who is a newspaper reporter and who is also autistic.


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## Darkkin (Jun 27, 2022)

Day off.  And this is how it went.


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 2, 2022)

Being a perfectionist can sometimes exhaust someone like me who is schizoaffective. I listen to a lot of music to feel better. I can't exercise at this house since we have no such equipment. I know autism somewhat makes me obsessive and compulsive about my interests.


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## Darkkin (Jul 4, 2022)

A book of all good things.  Found it by sheer chance at work and I'm already 3/4 done.


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## Darkkin (Jul 8, 2022)

Allegory of the Old Man

He stands on the corner
a cardboard message
waiting to be deciphered

Consider him, how he looks
unkempt and wearied by life,
grubby but keen eyed, a dog
grizzled at the muzzle
keeping him company...

What does the Old Man say?


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 8, 2022)

I've seen a lot of beggars in my life usually because of health problems walking the streets.


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## Darkkin (Jul 20, 2022)




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## Darkkin (Jul 20, 2022)

I just infodumped on a subject I'm appalling bad at.  How is that even possible?


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 21, 2022)

I can do that all the time. Topics of a specific interest are what I talk about. I recently also did turn some exposition in my story into some magical realism prose. Too bad I don't like writing fantasy. A good twist could come at the end. It does give me the idea for a story. Fantasy is way easier for me to plot than science fiction. I like magical realism because it gives a voice to the theme of the story. I might write a fantasy story on the same theme. I used a lot of metaphors to think how to create the prose.


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 21, 2022)

Here's a sample of what I wrote. You are a poet. Can you tell me if this makes sense please from a grammatical perspective and poetic? Everyone in the forums thinks you're a good grammarian too. Here is the sample (this is a magical realism work with other genres). By the way, is to the title too of the nose? Should I name it the Paradox of the Human Heart:
​Story I am still working on. It needs to be more descriptive.

This is in the workshop, in case anyone wishes to read it. This is the new title. I've been trying to use some "poetic-like" prose, but I don't know if it works. This is the first time I am seeking feedback for such an experiment. It helps to add some voice to the piece (short story).


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## Darkkin (Jul 24, 2022)

We finally got power back on at about 8:00am after a storm knocked it out at 3:00pm yesterday.    This whole weekend has been an epic bucket of yuck so we now have cats and poetry.





@Theglasshouse 

I'll see if I can take a run through your piece later this week.

- D.


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## Theglasshouse (Jul 24, 2022)

I'll be honest. I had to eliminate some of the poetry. A member said I had to stick to the topic sentences. I did try try something that was a poetic paragraph and my great inspiration turned into magical reaslism IMO. She quoted it in reply. At least I got the topic sentence right on her second reply.

I am constantly learning. I might revise the prose to make it more pleasant to read. I learn a lot of what I apply from feedback and members. Today, for instance, I have been reading Writing for story by John Franklin, and its inspirational. He says writers should rely on action verbs. I don't do that as often as I would have liked. For example (this is taken from John Franklin's book):
The teenager kicked the dog.
The woman glowered at her accuser.
The judge slammed his gavel.
The limb fell on the girl.
The car fell into the abutment.

I see how now I can improve the work with this advice. I am currently trying to rewrite it. I think I will make an alternate draft with more  action verbs to create the image.

I know your standards are high for your favorite pastime and work. I think I need to keep trying to make the topic sentence have an action verb. The first paragraph I had to make into a compare and contrast paragraph. I thought I was on to something. But then they told me the topic sentence needed to reflect better the paragraph I was developing, which ruined it.

The paragraphs had to have a structure with the topic sentence and the conclusion of the sentence. When I feel ready, I will post again. Thanks for your generous gesture. I have to work on it some more to make the images more vivid and to make them come alive to the reader.

Currently, reading franklin's book is inspirational. It says to keep the conflict simple. He won a Pulitzer price. I think his advice is good.

I know what I wrote disappoints so I will try to make it better on my very next try.


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## Sinister (Aug 9, 2022)

I've set a record.  ^^  I haven't left my house in over two weeks.  And I mean left the house.  I'm having a major relapse.  You know the most dangerous thing about an agoraphobic relapse?  You feel so safe.  It's literally the most wonderful thing ever.  I'm thawing tinned and frozen food to make suppers.  I keep the house pristine.  All my house plants are in bloom and beautiful.  My garden is overgrown to dead.  I wander about talking to myself, writing, drinking, listening to the mice in the walls and reminiscing with old ghosts.  I dress in button up shirts and pants, well-groomed in case I get visitors.  

I'm underwater.

I want my therapist back.

The thing is, I'm really alright.  The above is just whining and complaining.  Everything is fine.  But I'm a naturally squeaky wheel.  Typing nonsense like the above makes me feel just a bit better.  TL;DR.  

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Aug 9, 2022)

I hope you get another therapist. Relapse isn't good. I know it's the opposite of progress and getting better. At least let people know around you on how you are feeling. It might ease the burden of some expectations. Do try to socialize if you think it is in your best interest. BTW, your therapist must have some degree to treat agoraphobia. I know psychotherapist helps people with schizoaffective disorder, and I will dangerously assume agoraphobia (you need to research it). Also, please note occupational therapy is a good alternative if you can be convinced. Get your psychiatrist to recommend you one that is very qualified. Or you can make friends with social workers. That is what I would try.


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## Theglasshouse (Aug 24, 2022)

I think I experience this phenomenon since I did not feel happy or elated and felt neutral about the baby that is my nephew. When the baby was born I did not feel as happy as the rest of the people around me. I know I would if in a position to do something protect my nephew. It's a phenomenon in autism/aspergers. Has anyone else experienced it?

Can people with Aspergers feel "happy"?


> Yes, but…
> There is a common co-morbid condition with Autism Spectrum Disorders (including Aspergers) known as alexithymia,[1] simply described as a form of emotional color-blindness. Personally, I have an easier time identifying a greater range of negative emotions than ‘happy’ ones.
> 
> 
> ...



When I said I felt no sense of happiness that I had a nephew it raised concern in my mother. She was cataloguing it as part of schizoaffective disorder or worse. I told her I was a logical thinker now. That I did not have auditory hallucinations or these were very isolated to one or two a week and extremely brief.


The same happened with the puppies. I could not feel happy when we had them.


However, if any of these would be harmed, I would serve as a protector.

So, has anyone experienced this? Care to share examples?


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## Sinister (Aug 24, 2022)

Theglasshouse said:


> I think I experience this phenomenon since I did not feel happy or elated and felt neutral about the baby that is my nephew. When the baby was born I did not feel as happy as the rest of the people around me. I know I would if in a position to do something protect my nephew. It's a phenomenon in autism/aspergers. Has anyone else experienced it?
> 
> Can people with Aspergers feel "happy"?
> 
> ...



Most definitely.  As a matter of fact, I would call this a key symptom.  Funerals, weddings, no emotion...  It has been so long since I've actually genuinely laughed, I can't even tell you.  Some of the only prevalent emotions I know are fear, embarrassment and panic.  I don't get angry.  People seem to think I'm self-possessed and very composed.  Not true.  It just hits me infrequently, at odd moments.

Do I feel happy?  I feel contented.  I can feel excited and or elated.  Happy?  Not in a long time.  Which is fine, I'd rather be contented.

I do feel angry and furious if I see anyone hurt animals or children though.  I would call that a genuine emotion.

But, no, you're definitely not alone.  For the longest time I thought I was a sociopath.

-Sin


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## Darkkin (Aug 29, 2022)

Rant ahead...

The congruence of language is profoundly alien to the majority of people because it is a 'glass rabbit' idea.

(A glass rabbit idea being defined as an atypical association of disparate thoughts, items, or topics that when combined become a surprisingly effective or comprehensive idea or theme.  Because reasonably speaking who is going to combined Triangle Congruence Theorems with the effectiveness of noun, verb pairings?)

Any time, every time I write or talk, this is what happens.  Ideas too fast and too deep that those listening aren't even aware of the flood that just rolled over them.  That damned bell curve, so far ahead it has become a circling round.  Ahead and closing on the opening edge only to meet and pass the majority at the crest of the rise, a chasm as deep as the doubled height of the crest.

It isn't arrogance or Dunning-Kruger looming large, it is why silence is safer.  Unicorn at the river of Occam's Razor.  Complex concepts, grasped with stunning ease, words pulled from the ether and woven into improbable, impossible ideas that are as vivid as reality itself.  But reality itself is still perfectly clear.  Logic and imagination at work in equal parts.  This is the dichotomy of my unicorn and Occam's Razor, there is no middle ground and in order to keep pace one needs a unicorn of their own because even the zebras get lost along the way.

e.g.

More was needed…and pray at least…
one or more of the Tigers would heed
the fading of the brightness of night
and seek out the wily Macaque Tribe
while Donkeys reveled in pyrite crowns

They needed one who could not speak,
the one who could not hear, only feel,
who spoke the language of dreams,
deaf and dumb and illiterate and so…

impossibly brilliant and fearsome

a girl of glass, the white selkie child,
Serendipity Cassandra, the Bright…
known to one and all as Toxic White


It is almost as if I speak in tongues of kenning.

kenning, *concise compound or figurative phrase replacing a common noun*, especially in Old Germanic, Old Norse, and Old English poetry. A kenning is commonly a simple stock compound such as “whale-path” or “swan road” for “sea,” “God's beacon” for “sun,” or “ring-giver” for “king.”

(www.britannica.com)


I cross reference spellings, sources, definitions, historical usages, literary references, etc...just to make sure I'm as clear as I can be on things if others decide to run searches of their own.  Allegories are the context I use to translate the world around me.  It is a living matrix that doesn't make any sense, so dense amd interconnected it sometimes feels like it is all I am.  And no one understands it.

Dial it back, dial it down.  All day, every day.  No one sees, no one hears simply because they do not understand things like tessellations and Occam's Razor being the most concise way to describe an idea.  The concepts especially in conjunction are too complex, but still I continue along the infinitely twining duality of the helix...

While the screaming reality is that 54% of Americans read at a 6th grade comprehension level.  This is the society I deal with daily.  And it is not just my autism that is the cause of this sense of isolation or irritation when one does encounter people, it is my comprehension level itself.  I don't know how to lower my bar, or dampen my consciousness to the point I do not ever consciously recall being at.


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## Sinister (Aug 29, 2022)

I know.  It's super frustrating.  Better just to not say anything at all.  Least that's the eventual conclusion I came to a long time ago.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Aug 29, 2022)

I use silence to avoid conflict a lot. I think I don't correct people a lot.  It might be different with me. Probably since I am also isolated for similar reasons. Besides the personality, anxiety, and nervousness, if people mistreat me my schizoaffective disorder worsens. That's why I try to avoid conflict. As for schizoaffective disorder, I try to survive by not meeting people that are ignorant which is the whole population minus a few.


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## Sinister (Aug 29, 2022)

I'm the same way.  A rude interaction or someone mocking me can set me back into a serious relapse.  Whereas, if I say nothing and there is no interaction...  _*DING DING*_

The Lord of all Hosts, B.F. Skinner and his friend Pavlov, both bless me...not with positive reinforcement, necessarily, but with negative reinforcement.  Each time I dodge an interaction like that, I feel like celebrating, no matter how awkward the exchange was.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Oct 17, 2022)

Thought I'd share this video on ADHD, or ADD. My first diagnosis was ADHD during the 80's. ADD is what I probably have now. He seems to be an expert on the topic.


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## Darkkin (Oct 30, 2022)

I was on an autism forum and someone posted a thread on how the term NT or neurotypical is demeaning and derogatory toward non-autistic people and should be considered a curse word or slur.

I called self entitled bullshit.  Pulled origins, definitions, historical context, usage frequency and broad-spectrum acceptance of the Gemini terms of ND/NT within the ND and psychological communities.

Assigning the definition of bigoted to a benign term like NT assigns blame of a behaviour to the word, not the individual using the term in a bastardized way.  Bigoted treatment of a basic archetypal sociological and psychological term.

Ignorance led censorship.  Their soapbox crumbled when I pointed out the accountability rests with the behaviour of the individual.  It is not the word that is at fault.

This is what stupidity looks like.  Don't like a word because you view it as 'bad'.  Don't use it.  Treat it like a food allergy.  Avoid it, but it doesn't give you the right to pitch a 'Karen' fit and tell an entire ND community they cannot use the word because it is bigoted.

'Karen' is much more akin to a modern slur, but no one blinks at its use.  Most of the Karens I know are really nice people, not the internet horrors.


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## Sinister (Dec 14, 2022)

*DING DING*

Relapse time.  How are you all?  I'm agoraphobic again.  I refuse to believe in my own brand of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It's this 2022 thing.  Some eerie combination of events along with Winter 2022 has triggered me.  I've avoided Therapy and my Therapist.  I haven't refilled my drugs.  I don't even want to unlock my door.  Christmas is mocking me...right down to the festive commercials from the glow of my TV.

I don't like it.  No sir.

_sigh_

What happens to a ND agoraphobe when depressed?  The same thing that happens to everyone else...

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 14, 2022)

You need a therapist maybe to discover alternative therapies that could work for you. I know gardening is one choice of therapy. I don't think you'd enjoy gardening. However, there are many therapies you can choose from.  As for socializing with others, that's what a good therapist will help you with. Leaving the house is a dream I realize. The therapist needs to discover for you what you are motivated in doing.


Eventually, the call for deinstitutionalization of people with mental challenges led to the 1963 Community Mental Health Act. This act meant that occupational therapists and their assistants began working in community mental health. Today, occupational therapy within community mental health settings provides services such as:

You have plenty to do:

Community mental health centers
Assertiveness community treatment (ACT) teams
Psychosocial clubhouses
Homeless and women’s shelters
Correctional facilities
Senior centers
Consumer-operated programs
After-school programs
Homes
Worksites









						Occupational Therapists and Mental Health Interventions - Moving With Hope
					


Occupational therapy interventions can improve the health outcomes of those with mental health challenges. Here are some examples of OT within mental health.





					www.movingwithhope.org
				




Read books from the library.

Don't give up. Relapse can be serious. I have been there. If you are thinking of harming yourself call a hotline. Or it's better that you go to a doctor that cares about your personal problems.

I have been to more than 5 psychiatrists. Maybe it's a question of finding the one that cares. Or also it might be about finding the right medication. It took me many years to find the right medication for depression. Also, this is normal when you find an incompetent doctor or one that doesn't care. Consider switching doctors if yours isn't doing a good enough job. Only you can determine that.

Make friends to create a good support network. They can always do favors for you and run errands for you. If you want to borrow books from the library, this could be such an example.

Also, if your friends aren't good make better friends.

I also this seems like advice that has been repeated to me a lot more often than any other. Exercise. If bored it seems like a good way to spend time. If hate to exercise discover why. It could be that you are bored when you exercise. Do it for the mental health benefits.

It takes a while to recover from depression which I don't know if that is what you are feeling.

Get a social worker to find out the services around your area.

Take your medicine or they will increase the medicine. You need to take it. You don't want to land in a mental hospital. Because there are side effects from withdrawing your medicine or not taking it. It could lead to other mental diseases.  For example, if you suspend your medicine you can acquire a mental disease similar to what I have.

I hope this helps. I know from your situation and some of your posts that you described that this is a very undesirable situation.


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## Darkkin (Dec 14, 2022)

Something else to consider especially if it is people one seeks to avoid.  Is it possible to volunteer for a local animal rescue?  (Barring things like allergies...)

I know our local rescues are always in need of volunteers to help walk dogs, or play with cats and various small mammals (lots of rabbits and guinea pigs, a great alternative for people allergicto cats and/or dogs).

Pets of any sort provide company and an acute purpose.  Mine keep me grounded, measurably reduce my blood pressure and heart rate, and keep me active.


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## Sinister (Dec 15, 2022)

You guys are truly wonderful.  Mostly cause you've, if not been where I've been, visited similar mental landscapes and can sympathize where few other people can relate.  Why do I feel like I just have to wait this out?  Why can't I just open the damned door of my house, grab my keys and go get my medicine refilled?  I haven't even slept in the last three days save for about forty minutes to an hour yesterday.  And I cannot sleep, because when I do...I won't get up for another two days.

Argh... So annoying...frustrating.  ><;  But I don't want you all worrying about me.  I'll be okay; I'm fine.  I'm not miserable...just stuck.  It happens.  As for my medication...  I don't...know.  I might call someone for help with that.  But this stuff comes and goes in waves for me.  A month from now I'll be fine.

And yeah, Theglasshouse, I've been hearing rats/mice in the walls(hearing one above my head now, need to set out traps just in case), noticing cracks in the ceiling, staring out of windows, smelling funny stuff coming from the HVAC vents...talking to myself.  You know...all the comfortable cliches.  Honestly, it's not the schizoaffective symptoms that hurt...it's how humdrum they've all become.  They used to be weirdly amusing and interesting.  At the very least they made good inspirations for blogs and stories.  Now they're like old chewing gum that has lost it's flavor.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 15, 2022)

Deleted.


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## Sinister (Dec 15, 2022)

I have trouble with seeing people or feeling people in my house.  A lot of times it's my sister?  I remember waking up and seeing her standing in my doorway.  I stared at her for nearly a minute, knowing she couldn't possibly be there.  As soon as I said her name I watched her fade like a film dissolve.  Sometimes I hear someone in another room or the sound of an old CRT tv.  Sometimes I hear something on the television or radio and I feel like it's talking to me directly, or someone wrote the script so that I would end up hearing it at that exact moment.  I have bad bouts of solipsism.  I have a hour glass that I have to turn every time I look at it or something bad will happen.  I make bets with an inner pressence in my head and keep a mental tally of how many of the bets I've won vs lost, because that will ultimately decide...idk..."something".

I also have a real bad problem remembering whether something was in a dream or real, after waking up.  It takes a while and I get confused on where I am.

Trust me.  Being locked away in this old house, hasn't been kind to me.  You don't see me type or talk about these things, because...well, I don't really like being thought of like that...

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 15, 2022)

I can give you the name of my doctor by pm if interested. You can talk about which doctor he can recommend in your area. He is a licensed psychiatrist in the united states. He is one of the few ones licensed here in the country by the body of accreditation in the United States. You can find him on Facebook. You can negotiate with him by visiting his Facebook page. The pm will be a private conversation. He's very good, but he can only recommend doctors since he can't see you in person. Which is a must of the psychiatric profession. I'm guessing you would be asking for a consultation concerning finding a good doctor. He has very good credentials. He was second in his class at Cornell. He could have gone to Standford as well on a scholarship. He's basically retiring in my country. But he teaches other doctors. Since our mental health system is pretty bad in the public sector, they need training from American Doctors. In the private sector, for my condition, a mental patient needs to see an American doctor (our doctors are not good enough for my condition). He scored well enough on his academic records to go and be accepted into Harvard. I have a cousin with schizophrenia (a type I am assuming of schizophrenia) and the doctor recommended him one in New York. That's easier I imagine, since he would take classes over there.


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 16, 2022)

Sinister said:


> I have trouble with seeing people or feeling people in my house.  A lot of times it's my sister?  I remember waking up and seeing her standing in my doorway.  I stared at her for nearly a minute, knowing she couldn't possibly be there.  As soon as I said her name I watched her fade like a film dissolve.  Sometimes I hear someone in another room or the sound of an old CRT tv.  Sometimes I hear something on the television or radio and I feel like it's talking to me directly, or someone wrote the script so that I would end up hearing it at that exact moment.  I have bad bouts of solipsism.  I have a hour glass that I have to turn every time I look at it or something bad will happen.  I make bets with an inner presence in my head and keep a mental tally of how many of the bets I've won vs lost, because that will ultimately decide...idk..."something".
> 
> I also have a real bad problem remembering whether something was in a dream or real, after waking up.  It takes a while, and I get confused about where I am. They aren't that common but I still receive them.
> 
> ...


I think that seems like a visual hallucination (the part about the script at the right exact moment addressing you). As for auditory hallucinations, that may be possible. I am not a doctor. So I would talk to a doctor. The side effects of the medication they must consider (because these are toxic to me, for instance, and it taxes the liver and causes constipation, for instance). Whatever causes it, I don't know. Schizophrenia isn't the only disease there is. Your posts seem pretty logical to me. Your grammar is faultless. Your thoughts are well coordinated. I tried to reveal my connections with the doctor in order to help you.

 Schizophrenics also have problems distinguishing between reality. They won't believe other people (types of schizophrenia) if what they heard or saw truly happened. They will contest or challenge the sane person's account of what really happened. They need other people to tell them what is real and what is not real. In other words, you have to have someone beside you (Think like what Kevin Nash does in the Beautiful Mind-the movie and how he handled it when in a classroom). But maybe there is another way. A doctor always interviews other people in your family to eliminate the doubt it is a hallucination.

I don't want to commit a mistake by telling you what it is. Always speak to someone who is a medical professional. Some plants, if consumed, can produce visual hallucinations. I don't know if that happens. Medicines for schizophrenia are highly toxic. If left untreated, it could lead you to harm people or yourself.

The only one who could know if it is an auditory hallucination is someone who lives with you during the time the hallucination takes place and causes you to worry. Then you confess what you experienced to someone else who was there during the time the hallucination took place.

Put yourself in a capable doctor's hands and receive advice if you want your future to look bright.  Find the best one for your diagnosis and treatment.

To this day, I still get a sense that my mind perceives auditory hallucinations. I can reason when they are fake. I can tell between reality and illusion. The most common hallucination for most people is auditory. Reasoning is an important skill, which is why it is a disease of perception. If you can reason, you can live with some of the auditory hallucinations but not psychosis. Psychosis is when your mind hears things and could possibly see things at the same time. I experienced it as a unusual event. I thought someone was reading my mind. That was my first psychosis.  That was a bit different. There might be a different psychoses. Hearing voices uninterrupted also happened to me. I also would see pictures of dead bodies in my head, which spooked me and I have a well-known phobia I would picture in my head. That is why they were considering lithium with me and electroshock convulsive therapy once. What the therapy does is stop the psychosis and unpleasant thoughts.

The dream part happens to me and having nightmares. I forget where I am. I tried talking to the doctor about this when I was sick because of a mental disease. He never told me why it happened. I noticed the nightmares happened because of depression. When the depression went away my nightmares went away.

@Sinister Sometimes medicines treat multiple conditions such as schizophrenia and the doctor gives it to you without your knowledge. This means fewer medicines to take (I have a medicine that treats OCD, schizophrenia, and panic attacks for instance). It could also be the sort of treatment you need since one for agoraphobia, schizophrenia, and what every other conditions you may have. However, we won't know if you have a type of schizophrenia without a formal diagnosis.

They can also scan your brain to see if you have full-blown schizophrenia. They did that to me once. The results came out to be negative in the brain scan.


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## Sinister (Dec 16, 2022)

I have mild delusions, compulsions, intrusive thoughts and hallucinations.  I'm like you, I can almost always distinguish between what is real and what isn't, in a normal condition.  I do receive medication for these problems, I promise.  They aren't usually pathological or debilitating to my daily routine or way of life.  I usually stay on top of taking my meds, I just haven't been...because I'm isolated and depression is a paralytic.  So that when my meds lapsed, I just kind of sank into a depression after missing my last therapy session and didn't get them refilled.  I did call someone and got all my meds back yesterday, with the exception of my propranolol...which I'm going to go get today.

Also, thank you for that bit about grammar.  That really kind of cheered me up.  And yes, I realize that disordered thinking and schizophrenics have notoriously poor grammar and sentence structure.  But the compliment still was not lost on me. ^^

I'm going to be okay, really.  I just, for some reason that is lost to me, really hate this holiday season.  lol

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 16, 2022)

Good to hear. I know everything improves when you aren't feeling depressed. Many symptoms become milder and or disappear altogether in my experience (such as psychosis and dreaming nightmares and even reasoning improves. There are also fewer auditory hallucinations).


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## Kelc9009 (Dec 16, 2022)

Darkkin said:


> Anyone with a neurodivergent diagnosis, (ASD, ADHD, ADD, Bipolar, Depression, Dyslexia, Schizoaffective, OCD, TS...etc.), has reached a point when they meltdown because of an overload of sensory input, anxiety, emotions or a combination of the aforementioned.  I find that it is easier to process the fallout if I sit down and articulate the morass that nearly chokes you in that moment.
> 
> One of my biggest was the day we moved to the old house.  It was a busy day.  I did all right until about 7:00pm when all I wanted was a bowl of cereal and the stupid spoons were nowhere to be found.  It was a ridiculous thing, but it was one thing to many.  Full blown meltdown.  I went in my room, shut the door and turned REM's The Great Beyond up as loud as it would go and proceeded to rage sort my library until 4:00am when I reached complete physical shutdown.
> 
> ...


Hello, I’m new here and just checking things out. This caught my attention, as I do have a neurodivergent brain myself.  As a kid I was very hindered from reading and writing as I thought I wasn’t good enough at it, I was always in programs throughout school that were supposed to help me but they just couldn’t. I have a few tricks that help but when it comes down to it, it was always a pain point for me.

Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly eager to overcome these barriers so that I could seek out new knowledge and find a way to share my thoughts with the world. It turns out, my brain is perfectly capable of learning; I just needed to find my own rhythm. Sometimes I have to pair what I’m reading with an audiobook or podcast, sometimes I must take notes or draw pictures to absorb new information.

Having a neurodivergent brain is a beautiful thing because it creates a desire to get to know yourself. Sometimes others don’t want to put in the work to get to know you so figuring out ways to express yourself is essential to your survival. You must find what works very specifically for you so you can soothe your own soul.


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 16, 2022)

That's interesting. You have some good strategies to complement your learning style.


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## Kelc9009 (Dec 16, 2022)

Theglasshouse said:


> That's interesting. You have some good strategies to complement your learning style.


Thanks, it’s still a work-in-progress, but knowing what works for me has been pivotal in terms of satisfying my intellectual and spiritual needs.


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## Sinister (Dec 16, 2022)

Welcome, Kelc9009.  I have to agree, NDs have a sense of self and a heightened need to adapt and overcome that I think people tend not to notice or appreciate.  That's definitely a saving grace.  I'm glad you've hit on a system.  I certainly don't know where I would be without mine.

-Sin


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## Sinister (Dec 18, 2022)

Theglasshouse said:


> Good to hear. I know everything improves when you aren't feeling depressed. Many symptoms become milder and or disappear altogether in my experience (such as psychosis and dreaming nightmares and even reasoning improves. There are also fewer auditory hallucinations).


Hey, I just want to credit you for something.  I'm really doing well.  The other day I almost smiled.  lol  But seriously, when I got myself together and refilled my meds...  Most of that was spurred on by this thread, you and @Darkkin and your collective posts.  I don't have (m)any to talk this sort of thing over with and you both kind of made me realize I needed to get back on track.  That was a pretty great holiday gift and I feel much better.

Thank you.

-Sin


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## Theglasshouse (Dec 18, 2022)

It's a pleasure since I wanted to help you to prevent anything from happening that could make your health worse than before. I feel sympathy toward those who are working to improve their health, and I have tried to help other people before. I have people such as my uncle who were under similar circumstances. My grandmother sometimes would forget to give my uncle the medicine because of her old age which has affected her ability to remember when to give him the medicine. The bad effects of those of forgetting to take it or his not wanting to take it made his mental health worsen. So yes, I know if I were sick at the hospital people would worry for me. So you have a family and I did not want anything bad to happen since there are people who try to take care of you since they worry for you. So I understand.


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