# Public Speaking... can you relate?



## Guy Faukes (Apr 5, 2012)

A tale of inconvenience in modern life;

One of the reasons I'm a writer is because it allows me to express myself without going through this nonsense of "talking". 
I don't know if anyone else has a speech impediment, be it large or small, but it can be debilitating; I have a horrible stutter and easily lose my train of thought when talking. Good social conversations are far and in between. 

It's been all well and good, but now, I'm figuring out that you need to "socialize" to increase your chances of getting employed, opportunities, etc. What that stuff's about, who knows, but I decided to climb out of my shell and join a committee. What does it feel like to be part of group thinking?

Sitting on the panel, I've been quiet, adding a point or two there, but being a relatively good looking guy, dress decently, and keep a good, clean shave. People expect me to be eloquent and socially capable. It's a bit beyond me, and trying to live up to that leads to laughable flops with today being one of them;
I decided today's my day, I'm going to nail this conversation and wow everyone. I get my points all lined up, organized, one after another, and interject. 

I start off strong, my pronunciation's good... volume's good... but then my voice starts cracking... oh crap, it's starting... keep it together, you got your points right in front of you... but then I don't wanna look rehearsed in front of everyone... my voice is wavering more... I'm bloody nervous, I can't remember my points... voice wavers more... people start getting that look of discomfort on their face when you see a train wreck in slow motion... come on, forget about being convincing... just get through your points....
Finally, I end, and try to keep a respectable posture while avoiding prolonged eye contact with anyone. 

Now, I'm sure anyone has experienced something along these lines. I bet it's common, sometimes more often than not for some people (ahem). Now, let's go around the table. Who wants to share their conversational blunders? 



PS: I should note though that I did manage to swing the vote in my opinion as my point's were pretty good... but the delivery was another story...
One of the chairs did tried to encourage me and prompted me to continue, but it makes feels like I'm that defective person everyone babies because they know you really can't fend for yourself. Now, it may be true, but it doesn't help one's masculinity or self-confidence _at all_.


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## grant-g (Apr 6, 2012)

guy_faukes said:


> Good social conversations are far and in between.
> 
> It's been all well and good, but now, I'm figuring out that you need to "socialize" to increase your chances of getting employed, opportunities, etc. What that stuff's about, who knows, but I decided to climb out of my shell and join a committee.



Same here.  For some reason in a public situation, male or female, casual chat or otherwise, once there is eye contact and it seems as though a conversation is gonna start I freeze and freak out.  Just look away, remaining silent until they leave.  If I get questioned, I hav answers but no conversation.  Im finishing my second year of community college, and it freaks me out knowing I cant land a thing until I can conversate and build real world contacts.
So I wanted to join a club at school but theres no writing club. Just by chance I got this course in journalism that makes me a freelance writer for the school paper. Im hoping to force myself into social situations.  
I was out all day today running around and Ive been coaching myself to slow down and start small just trying to hav little conversations with people, especially at school, those add up and eventually I start running into people Ive chatted with already and make some contacts.
But I don't.
I'm just going to try to keep visible , respectable, and keep tryin'


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## Guy Faukes (Apr 7, 2012)

grant-g said:


> Same here.  For some reason in a public situation, male or female, casual chat or otherwise, once there is eye contact and it seems as though a conversation is gonna start I freeze and freak out.  Just look away, remaining silent until they leave.  If I get questioned, I hav answers but no conversation.


Do you also give out monosyllabic responses when they ask you questions? 


grant-g said:


> Im finishing my second year of community college, and it freaks me out knowing I cant land a thing until I can conversate and build real world contacts.
> So I wanted to join a club at school but theres no writing club. Just by chance I got this course in journalism that makes me a freelance writer for the school paper. Im hoping to force myself into social situations.
> I was out all day today running around and Ive been coaching myself to slow down and start small just trying to hav little conversations with people, especially at school, those add up and eventually I start running into people Ive chatted with already and make some contacts.
> But I don't.
> I'm just going to try to keep visible , respectable, and keep tryin'


It's a very good approach; a lot of overcoming social anxiety wading into the deep end slowly to adjust. Just... very hard to keep yourself motivated. It's why people can go their entire lives with phobias: they never face them. 
Good luck to ya.


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## Elvenswordsman (Apr 7, 2012)

Nope. Public speaking comes easily to myself, and the words you were looking for are "few and far between".

Anyways, it's unfortunate about your stutter, but I'd say suck it up. Lots of people learn to deal with their speech impediments, and most don't become recluses. Be thankful you weren't brought up in a Catholic school in the 40s - they'd beat you until you spoke right.

Oh, and also - the reason you have problems with certain things is because you don't do them often enough to be comfortable with them.

Want to be able to carry on a conversation while looking in someones eyes? Be honest, sincere, and do it often enough that it comes easily.


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## grant-g (Apr 7, 2012)

I do give short monosyllabic answers, just yes yea-, lots of laughing helps.  i just get choked up, like a freeze in the face and throat.  

thanks though, good luck with your ventures as well!


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## Guy Faukes (Apr 9, 2012)

Elvenswordsman said:


> Nope. Public speaking comes easily to  myself, and the words you were looking for are "few and far  between".



I wasn't really looking for words, but thank you for fetching them for me. 



Elvenswordsman said:


> Anyways, it's unfortunate about your stutter, but I'd say suck it up.



Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous sometimes and it's time I grew out of it. Live is competitive and tough, and any disadvantage you have is another tool for opponents. 



Elvenswordsman said:


> Lots of people learn to deal with their  speech impediments, and most don't become recluses.



Yeah, most of the time it's just a phase that comes and goes. Mines been pretty chronic, though, since early childhood.



Elvenswordsman said:


> Be thankful you weren't brought up in a Catholic school in the 40s -  they'd beat you until you spoke right.



Every day, I find  myself being thankful for more and more things. Given the  Native-Canadian incident with assimilation schools, I think I'll include  that. 

That being said, I was raised in a first generation  immigrant family. It was no boarding school, but it was no cake walk  either. 



Elvenswordsman said:


> Oh, and also - the reason you have problems with certain things is  because you don't do them often enough to be comfortable with them.



It's true. Practice does make perfect.
Mind you, inexperience is not the only thing that will stop people from learning. 



Elvenswordsman said:


> Want to be able to carry on a conversation *while looking in someones eyes? Be honest, sincere,* and do it often enough that it comes easily.



That's almost along the lines of a Buddhist practice of living and accepting all in honesty. 
It all sounds flowery and dandy, but given how screwed up life can get, it can be really, really hard sometimes.


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## Guy Faukes (Apr 9, 2012)

grant-g said:


> I do give short monosyllabic answers, just yes yea-, lots of laughing helps.  i just get choked up, like a freeze in the face and throat.



It's that panicked response that stalls you achieving a conservation, then getting that experience and confidence that lets you excel at it. 
Now, there are techniques designed to separate strong fear responses from tasks... I shall look this up when its not early morning.


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## Silvers (Apr 23, 2012)

I run a youtube gaming channel. Speaking to myself for 10 minuets, sometimes more, at a time is a very daunting task. There are sometimes hundreds of thousands of people who view my videos (mostly through related videos my channel itself is small) At first it was awkward but after a lot of practice I got a little better. I still don't like the sound of my own voice but I am not as bad at speaking. 

This however is nothing compared to speaking in the flesh in front of a live audience while under pressure. I just wanted to relate my somewhat similar speaking challenges. 

Oh by the way "Camera shy" can be overcome through practicing solo commentary for a few hours. You gain confidence in your ability to speak and there is no "stage fright". Found that out myself.


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## shadowwalker (Apr 23, 2012)

I used to be the same way - not the stuttering, but total collapse when having to speak in front of people. Then I took a couple public speaking classes in college. I'm still not totally comfortable, but I don't get into those 'train wreck' situations any more. I would check the local schools, or see if there's a Toastmaster's close by (if they even have those any more). Too many people think that public speaking is just something you get used to - they don't understand there are actual skills involved (at least, to be effective). It's like having two left feet until you take a dance class.


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## Guy Faukes (May 25, 2012)

shadowwalker said:


> I used to be the same way - not the  stuttering, but total collapse when having to speak in front of people.  Then I took a couple public speaking classes in college. I'm still not  totally comfortable, but I don't get into those 'train wreck' situations  any more. I would check the local schools, or see if there's a  Toastmaster's close by (if they even have those any more). Too many  people think that public speaking is just something you get used to -  they don't understand there are actual skills involved (at least, to be  effective). It's like having two left feet until you take a dance class.  :wink:



Hmm, good suggestion. Some people pick it up naturally, others need direct guidance. Looks like I'm in the latter group :/



Silvers said:


> I run a youtube gaming channel. Speaking to myself for 10 minuets, sometimes more, at a time is a very daunting task. There are sometimes hundreds of thousands of people who view my videos (mostly through related videos my channel itself is small) At first it was awkward but after a lot of practice I got a little better. I still don't like the sound of my own voice but I am not as bad at speaking.
> 
> This however is nothing compared to speaking in the flesh in front of a live audience while under pressure. I just wanted to relate my somewhat similar speaking challenges.
> 
> Oh by the way "Camera shy" can be overcome through practicing solo commentary for a few hours. You gain confidence in your ability to speak and there is no "stage fright". Found that out myself.



Very useful bit, that camera shy tip. Do you think it helps with in the flesh performance (helps you organize your thoughts in a presentable way, helps with improv etc)?



shadowwalker said:


> I used to be the same way - not the  stuttering, but total collapse when having to speak in front of people.  Then I took a couple public speaking classes in college. I'm still not  totally comfortable, but I don't get into those 'train wreck' situations  any more. I would check the local schools, or see if there's a  Toastmaster's close by (if they even have those any more). Too many  people think that public speaking is just something you get used to -  they don't understand there are actual skills involved (at least, to be  effective). It's like having two left feet until you take a dance class.  :wink:



Hmm, good suggestion. Some people pick it up naturally, others need direct guidance. Looks like I'm in the latter group :/


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## Fin (May 25, 2012)

Do you have friends? I ask, because being homeschooled most of my life, I didn't really have any. Then I got enrolled in high school, and I found I had a speech problem. Mine was sort of the opposite of yours though. The only time I could speak normally was when looking someone in the eye in a formal conversation. 

Then, I decided to make a friend. We spoke daily at school, and I found that it helped my speech problem out so much that I don't even worry about it anymore. So if you don't have friends, try making one, or some. I guess it might have been a confidence issue. He made me feel good about myself, because it was obvious he spoke to me because he enjoyed it. Or at least because there were no better options in class. Which is also good in my book.

Or, another thing I noticed in a lot of people with speech issues, is that a lot of the time they just need to calm down. They talk too fast without realizing it. A lot of the times that's all there is to it. If that's you, try speaking slower. Even if it doesn't seem like you're speaking fast, try it.


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## patskywriter (May 25, 2012)

My mom told me a cute story once. There was a young white divinity student who was scheduled to give a sermon at my mom's (black) church in preparation of becoming a pastor/minister. The guy was very nervous and he proceeded to stammer and make mistakes. At one point, he simply froze. As what often happens in black churches, members of the congregation started calling out, saying encouraging things like, "Help him, Jesus!" "C'mon now!" "You got it!" The student realized that the congregation was on his side and wanted him to succeed. He regained his composure and finished his sermon without a flaw.

This story taught me that, unless it's some highly charged political situation, your audience is going to pull for you and doesn't want to see you fail. That helped a lot when, years later, I decided to take on things I never thought I could as a shy, reclusive child. I now have a radio show, give writing workshops, and have on occasion spoken at town hall meetings. When I first started out in radio, I used extensive notes until I was able to speak extemporaneously—which now comes easily (as long as I'm well prepared in advance). Whenever I do make a mistake, I just keep going. I don't say "Oops" or call attention to it any more than I do when speaking off-mic. So don't think to yourself, "OMG, I'm messing up!" That will almost guarantee that you'll lose your way. Stay focused, stay on point, and remember that the audience really wants to hear what you've got to say. You'll do fine.

I hope you don't mind if I tell one more story. I grew up in Chicago and we kids were big fans of the Chicago Bulls. We couldn't figure out why our favorite player and highest scorer Bob Love was never interviewed. It seemed that all of the other players got air time except him. Well, years after he was retired, he was interviewed after a game and it became apparent why he was always skipped over. He had a severe speech impediment and would get stuck on the beginning syllables of words for long stretches of time. I think that this was his "speaking debut" and that the reporter had been instructed to stay calm, not jump in, and to patiently allow Mr Love to express himself. (At the end of the interview, he did say that he had gotten intensive voice therapy.) Anyway, I was thrilled to *finally* see my childhood hero being interviewed—it was well worth the wait. I only wish that the reporters had been thoughtful enough to allow him to speak years earlier, although I'm sure that Mr Love wanted to avoid what he probably would have considered public humiliation.


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## Guy Faukes (May 26, 2012)

I have social anxiety which winds me up before and as I talk to people,  Fin. So yeah, if I can learn to associate talking with something  pleasant or at least remove sense of panic with the act, it would help a  lot. 
My apologies for the home schooling thing. I know a few people  who were. Beautiful people, but they had problems adjusting to the  education system and the people in it.

Thank you, Patsky. Both stories were inspiring, especially the last one. A predominant football player having speech problems as well makes it seem less effeminate to not be able to talk normally to others. I shall keep both of those in mind.



BTW- Whooo! 300th post!​


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## jane_ro (May 30, 2012)

As I was reading all these I realize you actually express yourself very well..if we base speaking..public or otherwise, in terms of expressing what you are feeling, then let me say you are actually good at what you do. Now let me also tell you that while you have a hard time verbally expressing yourself, there are also people who feel very inadequate when it comes to writing. All I want to say is, you are not alone. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of knowledge and honest to goodness sincerity of what you want to talk about and believe me, courage will follow!


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## Eluixa (Jun 1, 2012)

Yeah. I can relate.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 12, 2012)

Eluixa said:


> Yeah. I can relate.



TMI? Hardly.

I read your full post a week or two ago but didn't have time to really respond. It was very earnest and endearing, and I could really empathize with taking hours to write a post. When I first started writing on forums, especially with the Debate part of this forum, it would also take me a good hour or so to hammer out a response. Heck, I would have to toggle my browser or sign back in before I could post what I was working on.
 It really got worse with my depression; over analyzing everything, being perfectionist, or being over-weighing how much people would care about what I say. 
I hope you find your confidence and stride, Eluixa, I do enjoy finding your posts.


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## Eluixa (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank you. 
Such a funny backwards sentiment, thank you is...
More like, I am grateful. Or Gratiful. Or given grace or full of gratitude. My attitude is gratitude.


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## Nemesis (Jun 13, 2012)

I can understand phobias involving interpersonal communication. My father had one so severe he gave up his job (one he'd worked hard to get) as a manager because he couldn't handle the board meetings. He would get physically sick. I have a slightly different impairment; I freeze up when I have to do anything new involving talking to people (i.e. the first time I mailed a package at the post office) or when having to ask someone for something (i.e. asking a small favor of any kind) I hate doing it so much I will do anything to get it done myself, even if it much harder, before going to ask for help. I also hate it when someone gives me a gift of any kind or gives me unasked for assistense. I apologize and say thank you over and over and over. As if I can't say it enough. I started to panic when someone threw me a baby shower.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 14, 2012)

Eluixa said:


> Thank you.
> Such a funny backwards sentiment, thank you is...
> More like, I am grateful. Or Gratiful. Or given grace or full of gratitude. My attitude is gratitude.



I am very grateful for your generously, gracious gratitude. 



Noxicity said:


> I can understand phobias involving interpersonal communication. My father had one so severe he gave up his job (one he'd worked hard to get) as a manager because he couldn't handle the board meetings. He would get physically sick.



I don't know what it is, but the social atmosphere of a formal  meeting brings its own set of anxieties with it. I feel sorry and can  empathize with your father. It's particularly frustrating when you can't  fulfill the social aspects of work.



Noxicity said:


> I have a slightly different impairment; I freeze up when I have to do anything new involving talking to people (i.e. the first time I mailed a package at the post office) or when having to ask someone for something (i.e. asking a small favor of any kind) I hate doing it so much I will do anything to get it done myself, even if it much harder, before going to ask for help. I also hate it when someone gives me a gift of any kind or gives me unasked for assistense. I apologize and say thank you over and over and over. As if I can't say it enough. I started to panic when someone threw me a baby shower.



Coincidentally, I was talking to a councilor about this, and there are a few reasons why people aren't assertive with their needs. A few reasons are they don't feel like they are deserving or worthy, they think they are asking too much, or they will make the other person upset by their requests. 

There's a lot of things that can cause these thoughts, but one trick I find helps is, if a friend came up to you and told you about how they are having anxieties about doing something new, what would you tell them? What would you think of them? 
E.g. if you told me "Guy, you know what, I need to mail something but I've never done it before, and I'm anxious and it's my first time and I'm afraid of looking stupid in front of the cashier/doing something wrong... etc..." I would go 
"Aww, that's adorable. I wouldn't have expected that, you are in the Air Force, after all? You could probably kick my !@# a few times over." and then start to pick a part why you think these scenarios would happen and try to rescale how bad it would or wouldn't be if these scenarios did come to pass. 

Also, there are probably experiences that underlie your fears, and it is helpful to write them down (hey, look, forum!) and if you're feeling brave, talk to people about them while you practice going into scenarios (slowly) that trigger these anxieties. If you need back up, there are bound to be social anxiety groups around your area that are free or minimal in charge that will help you through these steps. Being able to practice things, especially unfamiliar routines with people you know have the same problems can be very helpful.


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## Nemesis (Jun 14, 2012)

Aww thank you for the advice =) Its a little like my fear of spiders, I know they cant hurt me, I know I can kill them, but as soon as I see one I panic. It's funny that I am perfectly comfortable talking to people when it is my job and I love acting so being in front of an audience doesn't freak me out, but god help me if I have to go talk to my property manager about getting the windows fixed -_- make sme feel like a wuss, so then I log into Diablo or the darkness and blow crap up until I feel good again


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## patskywriter (Jun 14, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> … It's funny that I am perfectly comfortable talking to people when it is my job and *I love acting* so being in front of an audience doesn't freak me out …



_You just hit the nail on the head!_ Even though I grew up painfully shy, I have a weekly radio (interview) show. And just last week I emcee'd an outdoor event in front of hundreds of strangers. 

My sister's an actor. Years ago, while watching her become someone else I realized that I could overcome my shyness by performing the role of affable host, charming emcee, etc. I approached each challenge as an actor would. Before long, I was able to stop *acting like* an affable host and started *being* one. Now it comes easily, and my guests find it hard to believe me when I tell them I'm actually shy. (I still find it difficult to deal with new challenges—like attending parties, etc—but I'm working on it.)


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## Nemesis (Jun 14, 2012)

patskywriter said:


> _You just hit the nail on the head!_ Even though I grew up painfully shy, I have a weekly radio (interview) show. And just last week I emcee'd an outdoor event in front of hundreds of strangers.
> 
> My sister's an actor. Years ago, while watching her become someone else I realized that I could overcome my shyness by performing the role of affable host, charming emcee, etc. I approached each challenge as an actor would. Before long, I was able to stop *acting like* an affable host and started *being* one. Now it comes easily, and my guests find it hard to believe me when I tell them I'm actually shy. (I still find it difficult to deal with new challenges—like attending parties, etc—but I'm working on it.)



Yeah, that's it exactly ^^ I just try to remind myself to play the part even though I'm terrified


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 16, 2012)

Noxicity said:


> Aww thank you for the advice =) Its a little like my fear of spiders, I know they cant hurt me, I know I can kill them, but as soon as I see one I panic.



My friend is a massive guy, 6'3'', 285 lbs, but put him beside a toad or a snake and he'll do _anything _to get half a football field away from it. The other day we went to an exhibit where there were some exotic frogs that looked like toy ones (brilliant orange and yellow strips with a black body). I told him about how cool they looked and I don't think he realized it, but he walked right up to it without freaking out. 
So, something that might work for you, is to go out and buy yourself get a cute, fluffy toy spider that you put on your nightstand. Give it a name, read to it, etc. Then, you start working your way up to more and more realistic looking spider toys. 



Noxicity said:


> It's funny that I am perfectly comfortable talking to people when it is my job and I love acting so being in front of an audience doesn't freak me out, but god help me if I have to go talk to my property manager about getting the windows fixed





patskywriter said:


> _You just hit the nail on the head!_  Even though I grew up painfully shy, I have a weekly radio (interview)  show. And just last week I emcee'd an outdoor event in front of hundreds  of strangers... I approached each challenge as an  actor would. Before long, I was able to stop *acting like* an affable host and started *being*  one. Now it comes easily, and my guests find it hard to believe me when  I tell them I'm actually shy...


I was terrified in elementary school about almost everything, making  friends, teachers, the school work, events, etc. One day, we had to do  plays, and out of jest, I played a stereotypical wrestler from off TV.  Everyone loved it, and it was the first time I felt comfortable being in  public. Even today, doing speeches and acting goes fairly well for me. I  think the terror still remains of general social interaction to some  degree, and it's that little wrench in my efficacy. 
I'm  intrigued in using acting as a way of overcoming the  anxiety. I've seen documentaries about people who are physically unable  to learn basic things like reading time, so they have to patch around it  and find another way of doing so. This could be similar; if you're  blocked socially in one way, you find a patch to work around it.


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## alanmt (Jun 16, 2012)

I have a friend with a stutter and it can be pretty pronounced at times but, truth be told, I don't even notice it.  I am only reminded of it when someone else mentions it.  I had a minor speech impediment which mostly resolved at a young age with speech therapy, and went through much of my growing years very shy.  I am reasonably competent at public speaking now.  

The last time I was thrown for a bit of a loop was a few months ago serving as a substitute judge and the prosecutor advised me that the state would only enter a plea agreement with the minor at issue if I would give him a good talking to.  I had nothing prepared and no good idea of substance or tone, but I winged it and it seemed to go well.  Time will tell.


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## Nemesis (Jun 16, 2012)

guy_faukes said:


> My friend is a massive guy, 6'3'', 285 lbs, but put him beside a toad or a snake and he'll do _anything _to get half a football field away from it. The other day we went to an exhibit where there were some exotic frogs that looked like toy ones (brilliant orange and yellow strips with a black body). I told him about how cool they looked and I don't think he realized it, but he walked right up to it without freaking out.
> So, something that might work for you, is to go out and buy yourself get a cute, fluffy toy spider that you put on your nightstand. Give it a name, read to it, etc. Then, you start working your way up to more and more realistic looking spider toys.



Ironically i own a tarantula. She's okay because she walks slowly and is furry, I named her Lilith


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 17, 2012)

alanmt - I find people get used to my low mutterings after awhile and they stop noticing it after awhile, but  it is difficult with strangers. Oddly enough, I also saw a speech  pathologist when I was a kid, and she only found my "r"s were slightly  off. But, I think it's a nervous habit, and doesn't go off around people  I am comfortable with.



Noxicity said:


> Ironically i own a tarantula. She's okay because she walks slowly and is furry, I named her Lilith



That's pretty awesome. But... ergh... personally, tarantula's, with their multiple beady eyes and wirebrush-like fur bug me out. I can't believe house spiders freak you out more than her.


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