# Shape Shifter



## Firemajic (Dec 23, 2016)

_*My stained glass shattered
I gathered the sharp shards
fingers cut to bare bone bleeding
sorting each piece with precision 

Such wasted beauty
brilliant jewels stained with blood
I can't discard them 
they still enchant me

From them I made a kaleidoscope
sharp shards of broken beauty
stained gems and jewels
held to the light they beguile

Kaleidoscope twisting turning
redefining shattered shards
shape shifting chaotic colors
manipulating madness

 Fragmented manifestations morphing
again and again creating new designs
 glittering broken butterflies
impossible exotic blossoms

Weeping I watch each illusion disappear...

*_


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## Darkkin (Dec 23, 2016)

The imagery, the message with this are as stunning and cutting as those glass shards.  Quite lovely.  Only minor nit...The alliterations in S5, L1 and 3 is a touch much, consider finding a synonym for one of the Ms and one of the Bs to check the balance of the lines.  The triple hits knock the reader out of the piece, leaving them scrambling to regain their place.

e.g. 

Fragmented manifestations morphing
glittering broken butterflies

- D. the T.


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## Firemajic (Dec 23, 2016)

Thank you, DarKKin, for your kind words and wise critique... I made the changes you suggested... I agree, it reads much better...


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## Bard_Daniel (Dec 23, 2016)

_*"glittering broken butterflies"
*_
Some intense imagery going on here! This was great, Firemajic. I especially liked your final line as well.


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## ned (Dec 24, 2016)

hello -

loved this - plenty of delicious descriptions going on here.

would only say, '...I make a kaleidoscope' to put it in the moment
to separate from what was broken - to now beautiful, perhaps.

cheers and have a merry Christmas...
Ned


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## sas (Dec 24, 2016)

For myself too much alliteration. It read like a poetic exercise to see how many could be used. Less would be more for me.
For instance, say "sharp shards" quickly. And since shards are sharp I felt use of sharp was strictly for alliteration. Then I wondered if you meant you only picked up the sharp ones. Hmmm. I'm still unsure. 

The gerund weakens the last line, consider:

"I weep as each illusion disappears." (watching is a given)

Hope helpful. Sas


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## Ariel (Dec 24, 2016)

I love the imagery in this. There seems to be something emotionally beautiful hidden in this and I want to see that shine through.



Firemajic said:


> My stained glass shattered
> I gathered the sharp shards
> fingers cut to bare bone bleeding
> sorting each piece with precision


_There's an abrupt tense shift in the middle of the line and I think punctuation will only help this poem. If I were to rewrite this into present tense it would read like so:_

The stained glass shatters.
I gather the sharp shards,
fingers cut to bare bone, bleeding,
sort each piece with precision.





> Such wasted beauty
> brilliant jewels stained with blood
> I can't discard them
> they still enchant me


_This is the emotional center of the poem and something here fills me with wonder and sadness and hope._

Such wasted beauty,
brilliant jewels stained with blood.
I can't discard them--
they still enchant me. 




> From them I made a kaleidoscope
> sharp shards of broken beauty
> stained gems and jewels
> held to the light they beguile


_This stanza doesn't seem as concise and beautiful as the preceding ones. I love the idea of making a kaleidoscope of what has hurt you and is stained with your blood. I would drop either gems or jewels because it is redundant. I rewrote the stanza below so that it makes more sense grammatically._

From sharp shards of broken beauty,
I make a kaleidoscope.
When held to the light
stained gems beguile. 




> Kaleidoscope twisting turning
> redefining shattered shards
> shape shifting chaotic colors
> manipulating madness
> ...


_While beautiful these stanzas either need heavily reworked or cut entirely.  I don't see that they do anything to help this poem. _



> Weeping I watch each illusion disappear...


Twist and turn the kaleidoscope,
redefine shattered shards
and chaotic colors,
manipulating madness.

Fragmented manifestations morph
again and again.  Create new designs--
glittering, broken butterflies,
impossible, exotic blossoms.

Each illusion disappears.

_I dropped "weeping" because it is telling and not showing._

This is a gorgeous poem, even in the raw. There's something fragile and emotional to it that isn't outright stated. I like that it is all hinted at.


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*My stained glass shattered
> I gathered the  shards
> fingers cut to bare bone bleeding
> sorting each piece with precision
> ...




Ned and sas... I made the changes you both suggested... ned, I replaced "made" with "make"
Sas, I cut some of the alliteration, I tend to go all out... it just feels so good at the time... hahaa.. if a little is good, then a lot would be fabulous... lol.... and I edited the last line... Thank you both, your insight is deeply appreciated..


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

amsawtell said:


> I love the imagery in this. There seems to be something emotionally beautiful hidden in this and I want to see that shine through.
> 
> 
> _There's an abrupt tense shift in the middle of the line and I think punctuation will only help this poem. If I were to rewrite this into present tense it would read like so:_
> ...





I am going to study your sublime critique.... you have given me great insight... I NEED to keep "weeping"... I don't know any other way to show the pain as each illusion I create, disappears...


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## Ariel (Dec 24, 2016)

It's fine to do so but I feel that the contrast between the beautiful images described and the simple statement to end shows a hard letting go.


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

I see what you mean... you want me to be subtle... not club my reader over the head with my emotions.....hummmm.... I will continue to study your critique... then do a rewrite and post it here... thank you so much for your help... I can't fix it, if I don't know what is broken...


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## Ariel (Dec 24, 2016)

Not broken. Poems are like gems. They come in smelly geodes and need to be broken open and shaped before we put them in gold and wear them around.


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

amsawtell said:


> I love the imagery in this. There seems to be something emotionally beautiful hidden in this and I want to see that shine through.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I would like to keep these stanzas... what I am struggling to express is the act of taking something precious, that has been broken, and trying to salvage some of the beauty, and make sense of the destruction, turning it and manipulating the emotion into something I can deal with... I find it hard to explain my emotions... 

But, "redefine" my perception into something new, but realizing I am replacing one illusion with another...something like that...


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## Darkkin (Dec 24, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*
> Kaleidoscope twisting turning
> redefining shattered shards
> shape shifting chaotic colors
> ...




Fire, 

I would counter, as a reader, those stanzas illuminate the tumbling emotions, reinforcing the imagery of the first two stanzas bring the piece full circle.  Consider how a kaleidoscope functions, turning, turning...An endless circle.  This is your poem, keep others' observations in mind, but don't completely disregard your own instincts...Those are your truest guide as a writer.  What one sees inside the kaleidoscope matters.

- D. the T.


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## Ariel (Dec 24, 2016)

Darkkin is right on that. If those stanzas are where the emotion should lie then keep them and rework them.


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Fire,
> 
> I would counter, as a reader, those stanzas illuminate the tumbling emotions, reinforcing the imagery of the first two stanzas bring the piece full circle.  Consider how a kaleidoscope functions, turning, turning...An endless circle.  This is your poem, keep others' observations in mind, but don't completely disregard your own instincts...Those are your truest guide as a writer.  What one sees inside the kaleidoscope matters.
> 
> - D. the T.




I KNOW what I am TRYING to say... but my reader needs to know also... My emotions are chaotic at best.. fragmented ... so it is a good thing to have esteemed, trusted opinions, feedback and critique... this will allow me to see my poem through another's eyes, hopefully eyes that are not clouded with MY chaos... hahaaa.... anyway, I am struggling to even express THIS thought...  Thank you DarKKin...


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## Darkkin (Dec 24, 2016)

If need be, consider consolidating the two stanzas into one.  However you decide to do it, the peek in that kaleidoscope matters.

e.g.

Kaleidoscope turning, redefining
shattered shards in new designs,
impossible broken butterflies,
glittering exotic blossoms-

- D. the T.


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## sas (Dec 24, 2016)

For what it's worth, I like the "hard letting go"  ending Amsawtell suggests. It nails the ending, instead of tacking it on.


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## Firemajic (Dec 24, 2016)

*Shape Shifter [ revised and edited... hopefully, improved  ]*

_My stained glass shatters
I gather jagged shards
sorting each piece with precision 
fingers cut to bare bone bleeding

Such wasted beauty
brilliant jewels stained with blood
I cannot discard them
they enchant me

From them I make a kaleidoscope
stained gems and salvaged jewels
shards of shattered beauty
held to the light they beguile me

Looking through the kaleidoscope's eye
Frantically twisting turning
redefining broken pieces
shape shifting chaotic colors

I see manic manifestations 
brilliant exquisite butterflies
bewitching blossoms
elusive exotic designs

Each illusion disappears
_


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## Phil Istine (Dec 24, 2016)

Yes, that last version feels much more digestible.
I sense that the piece as a whole is showing precision really well, so I wonder if the first stanza needs it actually mentioned.

_My stained glass shatters -
gathering jagged shards
I sort each piece - 
fingers cut to bare bone bleeding

_The problem with how I've done it is that hyphens (or another pause indicator) might be needed for clarity and I know you have an aversion to punctuation.I do like this piece.

Ah well!  Back to the last-minute present wrapping


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## sas (Dec 24, 2016)

Consider condensing:

Such wasted beauty
brilliant bloodied jewels

or: brilliant bloody jewels
(my preference is bloodied)


Maybe this?:

"fingers cut to bone bleeding"

(bare is implied if to bone, plus there is something rawer without the use of "bare".

Hope helpful. Have company, so just jumping in when possible.


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## Absolem (Dec 26, 2016)

It reminds me of a mad, drunk women drinking the last of her wine before crushing the glass and mingling her emotions through the blood and tiny glass fragments. Strong poem. Cheers


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## kaminoshiyo (Dec 26, 2016)

I like the momentum this builds up as it goes along and the ending is so tragic. Why you do this all the time, it's Christmas ;( 

But really, it started off tame and it actually felt like a storm of color and emotion in the end. It's a good poem. Liked.


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2016)

Thanks to all who read and "liked" Shape Shifter"... Your comments are appreciated, and your critiques helped...


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