# 26/10/12 - LM - Out At Sea - Scores



## Potty (Oct 26, 2012)

Another huge turnout! I would like to apologise for the delay in getting these scores out. I just came back from a weeks holiday and have been rushed off my feet with real life things since I landed! So I am very sorry if the scores seem a little rushed, they should be accurate however. Note to namesake; One of the judges missed your story as you forgot to place a link to it in the main competition thread. So your score will be marked out of the three judges. I would normally chase the score up, but due to the delay in getting these out I have had to work around it. For this I am very sorry! I think next time I go away I will hand over to someone else so that there is plenty of time to get everything spot on.

Thanks to all the judges and all the entrants! You have all done sterling work. Now, for the bit you all actually care about!

(Correct me if I've got these wrong)

*Acropitcairn: *12+16+14.5+17 = 14.88
*FleshEater:* 13+12+13.5+18 = 14.13
*MacDub:* 11+13+15.25+18 = 14.31
*helium:* 13+12+10+19 = 13.5
*lasm:* 18+18+18+17 = 17.75
*Wessik:* 12+9+14+17 = 13
*alanmt:* 20+16+17.5+19 = 18.13
*HkayG:* 13+14+14+18 = 14.75
*morc44u:* 11+17+17+17 = 15.5
*thecostumedanceparty: *14+17+14.5+18 = 15.88
*MisterTribute:* 0+9+13+18 = 10
*KarKingJack:* 11+5+9.5+16 = 10.38
*LaughinJim: *14+16+15+18 = 15.75
*Candence:* 15+17+16+19 = 16.75
*Bazz Cargo:* 15+18+18+18 = 17.25
*Jack Knife: *17+19+16.5+18 = 17.63
*Garza: *17+19+17.5+18 = 17.88
*Jon M:* 17+20+15.5+13 = 16.38
*Dave Watson:* 15+16+17+16 = 16
*InsanityStrickenWriter: *18+20+15+20 = 18.25
*Foxee:* 14+19+18.5+17 = 17.13
*Namesake:* 12+6+10 = 9.33

And the winners are:

*First Place:* InsanityStrickenWriter
*Second Place:* alanmt
*Third Place:* Garza

And now for the comments!

*Fin's Scores.*

*
Arcopitcairn 
Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuff Out at Sea*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10
*Overall:* 12

Interesting to see that you stuck with these characters. Again - interesting names. As I said last time, it's really difficult for me to get into a story like this one. It just doesn't suit me in the slightest possible way. Even the names make me feel weird.

I do like how you made this a sequel to the previous prompt, though. That's interesting, and I wonder if I'll be seeing these characters again in the future.


---​

*FleshEater
"The Dead of the Sea"*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10
*Overall:* 13

I didn't really feel this. I can see what you wanted me to feel, but it didn't quite hit me. Part of the time it felt as if you were speaking to _me_, rather than a story happening. You explained to me what happened, and never gave me exactly what I wanted. Which was to live through it. It felt as I walked in late during a movie and missed the best part. A flash of the characters actually going through the turmoil would have helped a lot. A little more on their actual struggle to escape would have been wonderful. Instead I just see the aftermath, with no real evidence that they even have real emotion about it.

Grammatically it was sound. No errors at all that I could see. There wasn't any risk taking with it either though, which is the cause of that missing point. The tone would have been better if it wasn't for - what I felt - the overuse of adjectives. I feel you could tone down a little on them.

---​
*MacDub
Out at Sea*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10
*Overall:* 11

After reading, I simply felt lost. 

I was wondering how you'd add in the prompt to a story opening in the desert. You caught my interest with the sea actually being a temple. I feel like you never delivered me what I wanted, though. I understand that the word count is a limited one, but that can't be an excuse for giving almost half a story. Especially when you still had two hundred words to work with. The whole beginning of the story seemed to set up the meeting of the grandfather and the temple. Yet in the end we barely got a glimpse of either. The short time skip could've come a little later in the story. Two hundred words later would have filled in so much and I feel could have improved this story tremendously.

The lack of question marks in the dialogue at the beginning was kept you from scoring higher on the grammar. As for the tone, you would have scored higher if it didn't seem so formal. The dialogue simply didn't feel real.

---​
*helium
Out at Sea*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 13

I felt you could have did a little more with this. I wasn't really exactly sure what happened at the end. But I did like the way you showed the protagonist's obvious discomfort. 

Did something happen with Turner? That part was unclear to me. At first it seemed like he was just not with the protagonist at that moment. But when you said _once more_, I felt like it was implied that he was missing or something.

I wasn't really sure what a whopping was. Did you mean whooping? I don't know. The place they were flying to was Fiji, not Figi, unless you're talking about a made up place. If so, then the mistake is mine, not yours. I wasn't a real fan of the "ding ding ding" stuff being spelled out, much less in quotation marks as if they're dialogue. I feel as if the structure of some of the dialogue was a little awkwardly done. These are reasons for missing points on the SPaG and tone.

---​
*lasm
If you find this please send it to Jeanine Doughty in Mahtowa, WI*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect:* 9/10
*Overall:* 18

Hah, you really impressed me with this one. Praise to your opening for pulling me in.

Already you had me with the fact that the story is told from a written letter to someone, which is one of my favorite things to read in the first place. Not often do I give praise to a title, but I really liked yours. It wasn't just a title, it felt like one with the story. I have no real suggestions to help improve this story. This is one of those that makes it a big pleasure to be a judge. 

I guess I could give a ridiculous critique of this that is pretty much irrelevant, and that is that if he really only had one piece of paper, it would have been a little difficult to get all of that on one piece of paper. Then again, he could just write really small. Like I said, a ridiculous thing to critique! Loved the story. Don't see anything wrong with it.

Wonderful tone. A couple grammatical mistakes but it's clear that they're a part of your writing style. 

---​
*Wessik
Out to Sea*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10
*Overall:* 12


After reading halfway through the story, I felt certain that you must have missed the _Sex Tape_ prompt and were upset about it. Kidding, halfway.

The way you described some of their actions was a little awkward. Not in the action - - what was going on - - itself, but the words you used to do it and that it was overly explained at all. For example, in your first line, I feel like you saying the old man smirked, is enough. To me that tells me all I need to know. The extra _with incredulity_ didn't feel needed. It was like it took me out of the story a little. Not much at all, but still some.

The story itself and the wrap in with the prompt seemed forced and a last minute type thing, rather than the story being built around the prompt.

The dialogue, extra explaining, and the way it was structured/placed was a little weird for my taste, and that took away from the tone. SPaG was for the most part flawless. A few misplaced words took away from it. Such as the first usage of the word 'as' in the sentence ending "boy-short underwear as well as well." 

Good story. More prompt orientation would've been nice.

---​
*alanmt
Reunion Point*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 5/5
*Effect:* 10/10
*Overall:* 20

Six months of judging and you are the first twenty I've given out. Well deserved. It would not surprise me in the slightest if you win this one. I'm not even halfway done judging and I can say this. I absolutely loved it.

I knew the lady was creepy from the beginning, that much was obvious. But _that_ I did not expect at all. All of your characters had so much. . . _character_, and the story itself was fantastic. It gave me chills. The way you handled the dialogue was great. The foreshadowing of everything was lovely.

I have nothing but praise for this. Seems people usually enter this to get better at writing, so I almost feel bad for having nothing to critique. Well. . . I suppose that some words weren't exactly needed throughout the story. An example being 'slowly' in 'as he slowly rose to the surface'. I mean, I already had the imagery of him rising slow, considering he was in water. But that's all I can come up with for 'problems' with the story. Truthfully, I loved it.

Definitely one of those stories that makes judging fun.

---​
*HKayG 
Out At Sea*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10
*Overall:* 13

I wondered if someone would do a story on sea creatures. And here's the first one!

For future reference, spaced out dialogue is an easier read, as usually it's the start of a new paragraph. It's a courtesy.

Onto the story. You _almost_ had the dialogue 'right'. Some of it felt unrealistic, and others were ordered oddly. Note: when I say unrealistic, I don't mean by _what_ was said, clearly, as we're talking underwater creatures here. I mean by _how_ it was said. Some of it you have right, while others you have the concept right but that's it. 

Example of ordered oddly: "They know how to manipulate people. Thalia, look at me". I personally think that it should be split in half with something in between. Anything, really. I see this done often in the challenges, but never have I in published works. That's simply because it's awkward to read and is forced.

There was never a point in the story that gave me a spike of any type of emotion. Reading the story through, the only emotion was content. I feel that in some of the places where you used imagery would’ve been more wisely spent on feeling. Never did you give the reader reason why the inner fight against Tomlin would be a difficult one, not to mention the physical one. Their time spent together was "more than she'd hoped for" and you said that he consoled her. That tells me what you wrote happened in some way, but I don't care. To get the effect you want, you have to treat it as though it's real life. Instead of telling me the things Tomlin did, introduce him to me. Let me care for him. Otherwise their battle is meaningless. To myself, the reader, Thalia, someone you got close to making me care for, was fighting against a random person with a name. Change that in your future writing and you have it down. In my opinion.

Sound grammar. Nothing out of the box. That's not a bad thing though.

---​
*morc44u
The Bottle of Beer*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10
*Overall:* 11

The whole first paragraph can be deleted.

I really don't like to use this, but the story basically screamed cliché. There never seemed to be a point to it until the end, and even then the point was mundane. The girl wasn't happy with her life. You just showed me that, and that was it. No glimpse that the person is even willing to change that. It really just seems like a girl stuck in a lifelong pity party. If anything, it seems you tried to make the husband come off as a negative character, but in reality, to me, he came off as the good one. His personality seemed nice. The woman on the other hand, as I said, seems stuck in a pity party for life. That's no fun. 

If this is what you were going for, then it's fine. But maybe try to put a point to the story next time.

---​
*thecostumedanceparty
Where's the trunks? *
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 14

You switched up the tenses in there after a while. It went from being past tense to present tense. 

Fun story. Though I was unsure how anyone could have their shorts fall off and not notice, but whatever. The over explanation of how 'hot' the girls were felt unnecessary. It was a pleasant read through, though. Nothing over the top, nothing overly horrible.

I saw no grammatical errors. Nothing out of the box though, so the last point is withheld. That's not a bad thing though. Tone is taken away due to the tense change-up.

---​
*MisterTribute
Unrequited*
*Not Scored*

I usually let the 'no editing after 10 minutes' rule slide if it's like, a minute or two after. But you went almost 48 hours over that rule. Of course I'll still give you a review, which I feel is the most important part anyway. 

Great idea with the sequel. Funny that your last entry ended with the girl actually staring over a sea.

I'm not completely sure, as I haven't gone back and checked, but I believe last time I said it felt unrealistic? The same thing applies with this one. Except not with the dialogue, but with the actual story. Not the whole spirit aspect, but what's actually happening. Previously she lost her virginity to a guy. It seemed that she felt loved by him. But now, these little words from a guy she barely spoke to after several years made her feel as if he's the only guy to ever love her? These kids are Napoleon Dynamite level weird/creepy. If that's what you're going for then you've got it down.

The concept was great. It started off perfectly fine. But once you got into the actual speaking, things just got way weird.

---​
*KarKingJack 
Out at Sea: Journal of a Clairvoyant Door-Salesman*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10
*Overall:* 11

I really couldn't get into this. I hope it's just me. But your writing style coupled with the odd way everything was worded felt weird. The POV was a little odd, as well. 

---​

*LaughinJim
The Secret of Ice Island*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 14

The biggest problem for me had to have been the tense used. It's a difficult one to make work in the first place, and the way you began sentences made it a hard one to accept with this story. Words like "he, the, when, a," etc. were used almost overwhelmingly to begin a sentence. Rather than flowing together nicely as it could have, it felt more choppy due to every sentence seeming to be about something different.

What I also saw was some wasted space. In stories this short, certain adjectives aren't needed _unless_ they have relevance. I feel there needs to be a reason to using them, rather than using it just to set up minor details in a scene. An example being the color of something is basically irrelevant and will most likely won't even remembered halfway through the story, unless that color adds relevance to character or an event. Same with a character's appearance. A lot of the time the reader will make up the appearance of a person despite you describing what he's wearing anyway. Therefore unless you have actually reasoning for choosing what you chose, it'll most likely be forgotten.

A small and possibly a minor example of that would be in the first paragraph. What was the point in showing that he was bare-chested? To show that he put them on later in the same paragraph? The majority of the sentences in the first paragraph could've been taken out altogether and no effect would've been taken away. 

I couldn't get into this all that much. The meaning of the events and the ending simply didn't have a desired meaning to me.

I saw no grammatical errors throughout my read. As mentioned, I felt there was little creativity in the way the sentences were structured, and that's the reason for the missing point there. I wasn't really feeling the tense used, and that's the reason for the missing points on tone.

---​
*Cadence
Dartman's Principle*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 15

A good straight forward story. I enjoyed reading this. The dialogue was well done. If anything, it might've needed a bit more. But for what it is, it felt like it'd do well as a prologue to something more. 

I saw no grammatical errors. 

---​
*Bazz Cargo
The Wreck Of The Dreary Mare*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10
*Overall:* 15

There was a missing comma or two throughout this. An example being "shift stuff not people". A comma after stuff. Second one being in the fourth paragraph, first sentence after the word "normal". 

I like the opening line. Simple, but true and unheard enough to catch my attention. My favorite part of the story was hands down the second to last paragraph. Not sure if it was intentional, but the visuals I got from it were hilarious.

I feel you could've done a little bit more with this. It was an enjoyable straight forward read though, definitely.

---​
*JackKnife
In Memoriam*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10
*Overall:* 17

A second-person story. Interesting. As we got near the end, I must say that I felt like I was an animal. Not me personally in real life. . . ah, you know what I mean. The character _I_ in the story. In fact, I feel almost certain like I am a dog in this story. 

It surprised me when you mentioned the iPhone, because before then I felt like this was a story from the past. Far in the past. Especially after the use of the word [i[colored[/i]. Surprised me that this was actually much in today's time. Don't hear words like that much anymore.

Took a risk doing this is second person but it worked out well. Good job.

---​
*garza
The Cast and Tangle School of Fishing*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10
*Overall:* 17

This is the third story on the prompt that has continued a story, at least with the same characters. Interesting that this prompt has been inspiring that.

The difference with this one though, is that I actually remembered your characters by more than just their name. It was like I was meeting up with old friends, because I remembered their personalities so well. I don't even remember the prompt you used them in, but I do remember them as individual characters. That's strong dialogue there.

This story made me laugh. I'm not sure if it was supposed to. All right, all _right_, I get the hint! 5 for grammar! Handled the dialogue nicely. 

I've read many reviews on this website of stories you've written. An extremely common thing I see said is "You need to show more narration! Not getting enough visuals!" I haven't really ever gotten why that was said, because for me I get the visuals from the way they're speaking. You always have them speaking in a way that does show what they're doing, and _does_ give visuals. I think it's so unique for a person to do that that it's not always completely obvious. But you do it well and I don't have any complaints about it.

---​
*Jon M
Shooting Stars*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 8/10
*Overall:* 17

Saw no grammatical mistakes. I was glad that you didn't stick with really long sentences like the one in the first paragraph. Your writing style is always a unique one and I'm never sure what you'll be experimenting with, so I was a little scared when I thought I saw it heading into the 'every sentence being an extremely long one' direction.

It felt like a stream of conscious at times and that's not a bad thing. It was interesting to see. I'm especially fond of the third paragraph.

Thanks for entering. Good stuff.

---​
*Dave Watson
Coming Home*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 15

The ending got a lot crazier than I expected. Interesting turn.

Didn't see any grammatical mistakes. Though there didn't seem to be any risk taking, so that's the cause for the missing point. That's not really a problem though. 

I enjoy how a lot of the stories seemed to be told through photographs. You did a well enough job of explaining the photographs that you pulled it off. Well done.

---​
*InsanityStrickenWriter 
An Old Man's Shack*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 5/5
*Tone/Voice:* 4/5
*Effect:* 9/10
*Overall:* 18

I really liked that. The old man was such a crazy character. I wondered what he even was. It was hilarious in an ironic sort of way.

The line breaks made it a little difficult to read. That has nothing to do with the story itself though. I don't have anything bad to say about the actual story. It was so different and I loved it.

---​
*namesake
Out of the Blue*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 3/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10
*Overall:* 12

The biggest thing you need to work on, I'd say, is the dialogue. Also, near the beginning, the word 'sometimes' felt highly overused. 

Regarding the dialogue, it felt unreal. I couldn't feel the intended emotions as I felt I should have, and the character's responses to each other simply didn't feel real. People just don't talk to each other like that. Keep in mind that I don't mean _what_ is being said rather than how it is.

The story didn't feel like it went particularly anywhere. I feel you could've taken this further.

---​
*Foxee
Nooseworthy Vacation*
*Spelling/Grammar:* 4/5
*Tone/Voice:* 3/5
*Effect:* 7/10
*Overall:* 14

That was a fun story. The ending wasn't exactly unexpected. You foreshadowed it well, though, and that made up for it. You also handled his embarrassment well, and that just made it more funny.

Saw no grammatical errors. There wasn't anything out of the box though, which is the reason for the missing point.



*KarlR's Scores!*

Thanks to all 22 of you for entering (sorry, Blogsworth, but your entry didn't really look like an entry!). Some good, thoughtful stuff here. I'll try to forward specific crits by individual. As always, I'm more than happy to discuss your work one-on-one. Well done to all!
KarlR


Arcopitcairn
SPaG: 4 One or two commas missing.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, creative, a little gag-worthy. You w3ere shooting for that, right?
Effect: 7 Where to begin?! You had me at the first line. Perhaps you could use this story as a jumping off point with your therapist. "...penetrated the soft, wet clouds, with the hard, pink alicorn...." Yeah, there's some issues there. You get pretty adjectivey in the the middle section. I'm guessing it's intentional, but it becomes a little over-the-top after a few paragraphs. Part I was strong--says what you want to say. Part II comes up short. I was disappointed. Maybe a bit of rework can make the final line have the impact you're looking for. (Mostly the reader needs to care more about Fufflemuff before they can rue his? her? loss.) Fun piece!
TOTAL: 16

FleshEater
SPaG: 3 Is the sea an it or a her? Planes get 'shot down,' boats are 'sunk.' (Yeah, it's a nit, but it bogged down the flow of my read.) '...forgotten lapses of time;....' I'd use a full colon or a period. Breaks off the second thought for a stronger effect.
Tone/Voice: 3 '...radiance gleamed for what seemed miles.' It probably was miles. It's okay to say that. Some awkward phrasing (right where my nightmare kept bringing me back to.' '...reminisced of the calm, haunting air...' '...portrayed fear...'
Effect: 6 You create a mood and reinforce it competently throughout. Dread is a difficult thing to write: It requires a much lighter touch tha most are willing to give it. Overall this piece would benefit from two or three good edits.
TOTAL: 12


MacDub
SPaG: 3 Dings for 'did he said' and 'about the place' (reqires a question mark, not a comma). 'A temple.... right.' Three periods denote a continuation of the thought. Four means full stop (requiring a capital letter at 'right').
Tone/Voice: 4 You're shooting for an air of mystery, clearly. This was done competently. It is difficult to achieve effectively.
Effect: 6 Some really nice imagery with your characters. I could clearly see what you were were painting. The format is bit tight to accomplish what you wanted: In a 650-word story, every word must be used to set up the mystery at the end. I think you fell short here.
TOTAL: 13

Helium
SPaG: 3 I think you're a non-native English speaker. At least, that's how your prose reads ("...lapping up the endles taste of syrup in my mouth.").
Tone/Voice: 4 You have some great flashes. Spilling the drink with the attempted cleanup operation paints a vivid picture.
Effect: 5 You lost me. Did the airplane crash? Was your MC the sole survivor? Is this the spirit of the MC on the beach? Why do we still care about Turner?
Because I fly airplanes for a living, I take exception to what you did with the turbulence leading to (an assumed) crash. Frankly, that would never happen. At least not the way you've described it. But that's just a nit. You were trying to convey fear and confusion and you did that successfully.
TOTAL: 12

lasm
SPaG: 4 Some run-on sentences, some caps after full stops.... It was hard for me to figure out what was the character making the error and what was the writer making the error.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, strong and effective.
Effect: 9 Nice approach. Message in a bottle presumably delivered. Sign off was perfect--'I ate your granola bar.' Like!
TOTAL: 18

Namesake
SPaG: 2 Spelling appears to be flawless. Gramatically incomprehensible.
Tone/Voice: 2 I was unable to follow the story. Therefore I could not discern whether the tone and voice were consistent and fitting.
Effect: 2 Writing (communicating) is a difficult thing. Doing so as a non-native speaker requires more than a little courage. Hang in there and keep practicing!
TOTAL: 6

Wessik
SPaG: 3 Looks like another non-native English speaker. Idiomatic discrepancies and odd word choices throughout--not incorrect; just out-of-the-ordinary.
Tone/Voice: 2 Flowery language feels pasted-on. Not a natural flow.
Effect: 4 The story feels like it wants to be grander than it really is. Rather than spending a paragraph describing your characters metaphorically, use the word count to tell the reader more about how they met, why they are together, and what's up with knifing her mother in the back?!
TOTAL: 9


alanmt
SPaG: 5 One nit.
Tone/Voice: 4 Kenny's overdone. Accents are easy to overuse. Tell us that he's a rough kid from the other side of the tracks and we'll automatically supply the accent when we read.
Effect: 7 I wavered between 7 & 8 on this one. You write consistently throughout and your characters remain true (with the one exception for the old lady speaking in Kenny's voice). I guess it was just too heavy-handed to go with the 8. 
TOTAL: 16

HKayG
SPaG: 3 Hypenated words, some commas, broken thoughts, one stray apostrophe.
Tone/Voice: 4 The voice was a bit strident and glorious, but it was consistent throughout.
Effect: 7 A few distractions stopped my reading in its tracks. Ending was very abrupt and dissatisfying.
TOTAL: 14

Morc44u 
SPag: 5
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent and effective.
Effect: 7 The story felt kind of tired--overdone. The 'World's Most Interesting Man' bit set me up for a big disappointment at the end. I really wanted you to do more with that.
TOTAL: 17

Thecostumedanceparty
SPaG: 4 Hyphenated word, verb/tense agreement.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, effective, clear voice.
Effect: 8 I got a very clear vision of this kid telling his friends this story at a pizza joint.
TOTAL: 17

LaughinJim
SPaG: 4 Missing commas, misplaced semicolons.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, clear voice.
Effect: 7 Using nautical lingo excludes non-sailors from knowing what's going on. You set the story up well for the shift to the waking scene. Then what? He's awake and we're faced with ambiguity. That can be interesting and frustrating. This time it was only the latter.
TOTAL: 16

KarKingJack
SPaG: 2 Spelling’s fine. Grammatically, I have no idea what’s going on.
Tone/Voice: 2 Tone and voice are consistent. And completely confusing.
Effect: 1 I read this 4 times, each one trying to tie all these images, names, ideas and references together. If, after 4 tries, this reader (at the very least) doesn’t understand, you have not communicated.
TOTAL:5

MisterTribute
SPaG: 3 This appears to be written by yet another non-native English speaker. Kudos for the attempt!
Tone/Voice: 2 Flat and uninteresting.
Effect:4 Awkward phrasing and grammatical difficulties prevent the reader from engaging in this tale.
TOTAL: 9

Cadence
SPaG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7 Writing’s good and solid. It’s the story that’s odd. Not sure where we are in the world or in time. I suppose I could find a map with Altere and Naga on it, but with 22 essays to evaluate, that’ll never happen. Brits with a ship, acting like pirates, though not pirates, though some of them maybe are…. Huck Finn came out in 1884 in Great Britain and 1855 in the US. Is that when we are? And what the hell is Dartman’s principle?
TOTAL: 17

Bazz Cargo
SPaG: 4 Some comma stuff.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, effective.
Effect: 9 Turning into quite the writer, aren’t we, Mr. Cargo? Very clean, linear, easy to follow. Only a nit, but shouldn’t we have him in a spacesuit before he uses the laser? I realize that you did, but the reader doesn’t find this out till the last paragraph. Well done!
TOTAL: 18

Jack Knife
SPaG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, effective.
Effect: 9 I’m dinging you one point for straying from the prompt. Excellent essay—it just looks like the prompt was attached as an afterthought with only a bit of string.
TOTAL: 19

Garza
SPaG: 4 ‘Anh-anh, teach.’ I understand what you’re doing here. It just became a full stop in my head while I tried to figure it out. If spelling a sound becomes problematic, for the reader’s sake, maybe you should find a workaround. ‘No fish [is] gonna bite that.’ This clarifies and smooths the flow. (Even if that is exactly what Mike would say, he otherwise uses verbs properly throughout.)
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10 Hands down my favorite. I know that your grandfather would slap you in the head for this, but it wouldn’t hurt to add some clarifying pre- and post-quotation text, just to make for an easier read. Even with only two speakers, the reader is forced to keep a pretty close eye on things to keep track.
Not sure about fiction, but you’ve got a helluva knack for humor! Well done!
TOTAL 19

Jon M
SPaG: 5 One nit. ‘…cabaret, old chum!’ I’d dump that exclamation point and make it a period. That brings up the punch on the one that follows.
Tone/Voice: 5 We’re right there in Babydoll’s head.
Effect: 10 No desire to spend any more time in Babydoll’s head that I absolutely have to. Well done.
TOTAL: 20

Dave Watson
SPaG: 4 Here’s a great book to find: One Word, Two Words, Hyphenated.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, effective.
Effect: 7 Good story until the climax. Whenever you find yourself using the word somehow, you have traveled into Mary Sue territory. I lose interest in Mary Sue territory.
TOTAL: 16

Insanity Stricken Writer
SPaG: 5 I’d do some things different stylistically, but this certainly works.
Tone/Voice: 5 Can’t explain why, but I was right up to my eyeballs in swamp water with your soggy old guy.
Effect: 10 Does exactly what you want it to do.
TOTAL: 20

Foxee
SPaG: 4 Couple of commas—just nits.
Tone/Voice: 5 Consistent, effective.
Effect: 10 Good story, told in character. Some gems in the one-liner department. Good!
TOTAL 19 



*Terry D's Scores!*

Prince Dreamshine and Flufflemuff Out at Sea
Arcopitcairn
Total – 14.5 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. In the second paragraph, the ‘The’ following the quotation should not be capitalized as it is a dialog tag. Similarly, the full stop in the next paragraph after “fluids” should be a comma.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice in this piece was consistent and appropriate to the tone of the story.
Effect – 7 of 10 – You did a fine job of narrating the tale, but I didn’t feel much empathy for Dreamshine. It reads like a small section of a larger work and comes off incomplete.
General Comments – This tale drips of allegory although I’m not sure what it is suppose to represent. I may just be too dense to understand. It is very well written, with a couple of very nice bits; the paragraph introducing Hargoth is particularly neat.


The Dead of the Sea
FleshEater
Total – 13.5 of 20
SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. One, or two, possibly questionable comma usages, but noting clearly in error.
Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 – Effective, yet inconsistent use of vocabulary and phrasing. There are a numbers of words choices used which I found distracting and a bit odd: ‘…on the USS Indianapolis when it was shot down by the Imperial Navy in 1945.’ Naval ships are sunk, not “shot down”. ‘The remaining nine hundred struggled against the currents of the maelstrom,’ A maelstrom is a whirlpool, but that’s not what you describe. There are a number of other instances where word choice is questionable.
Effect – 6.5 of 10 – The tie in to the prompt is very good with this story and it has the makings of an effective ghost story, but it is self-consciously melodramatic.
General Comments – This story has real potential. I just feel you tried too hard to use descriptive language to set the mood, and some of those word choices create a distraction.


Out at Sea
MacDub
Total – 15.25 of 20
SPaG – 3.75 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. Actually only one error that I found; “What did he said about the place?” “said” should be ‘say’.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The tone was as even as a well applied coat of paint, and the voice was consistent. However, if it was a coat of paint it would have been beige. The tone was flat and never grabbed my interest.
Effect – 7.5 of 10 – The setting was very well drawn and the characters actions were shown with skill. Little movements and gestures were written in very smoothly. I’m confused about what actually happened at the end. Perhaps I’m supposed to be left wondering, but it didn’t give me the payoff I expect in short fiction.
General Comments – This is a very skillfully written story with well presented characters and a realistic setting. The dialogue is solid and the tale moves at a nice pace. It simply lacks an emotive, satisfying, ending. Thanks for entering.



Out at Sea
Helium
Total – 10 of 20
SPaG – 2 of 5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. There is a tense shift from present to past back to present within the first three sentences. Ding. Ding. Ding. Buzz are sound effects and should not be within the quotation marks unless one of the characters is saying those words. In the fourth paragraph both characters are quoted—each character’s words should be its own paragraph.
Tone and Voice – 2.5 of 5 – Inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. I had a difficult time following the narrator, and was frequently confused as to who was doing, or saying, what. The action was erratic.
Effect – 5.5 of 10 – There is a very good idea here and an interesting use of the prompt, but the story needs to be told with more clarity. In several places it seems that key nouns are missing; Taking a handful (of what?) from the sink; Legs parted for another (another what?) , the plane takes a blow… The odd phrasing and questionable word choices used made it very hard to get into this story.
General Comments – I don’t think there is anything wrong with this tale that couldn’t be fixed by just spending more time working on it. It has the feel of a story that was written very quickly and only lightly edited. There is potential here.



Out of the Blue
namesake
Total 10 of 20
SPaG – 2 of 5 – Consistent grammatical errors. I know English is not your first language, and I admire the resolve it takes to create a story in another language – it’s not something I could do nearly as well as you have – but, the grammar in this story made it very difficult to understand.
Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 – Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. There ere some nice moments in this tale, but the dialogue was a bit hard to follow. I frequently didn’t know who was speaking because of the lack of dialogue tags, or other forms of attribution.
Effect – 5 of 10 – I never really knew what was happening, or to whom.
General Comments – It is clear that much thought went into this story and that you have a message you are trying to convey with it. Keep trying. Thanks for submitting.




If you find this please send it to Jeanine Doughty, Mahtowa, WI
lasm
Total – 18 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. This is a hard one to score for SPaG. In one way in nearly gets a ‘5’ because it is a near perfect representation of a letter written by a dying man who wouldn’t care a whit about perfect grammar and sentence fragments. But, if the narrator was going to be careful enough to properly use a colon and parentheses, he probably would have not missed a few of those commas.
Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. It reads great. It sounds like the intimate, final correspondence that it is suppose to be.
Effect – 9.5 of 10 – I was caught up in this piece from the very beginning, and it pulled me along almost without a hitch to a very moving ending. Good job. There was just a bit too much backstory and not enough emotion.
General Comments – A wonderful story well told. My favorite lines were: “…the wind grabbing my voice out of my mouth.” And “I ate your granola bar. Thank you.” 



Out to Sea
Wessik
Total – 14 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct, minor errors. There are a few missing, or misplaced commas; Itself in turn was bolted to the yacht. “In turn” is parenthetical here and should be set off by commas. "You're so bad. I can't be like you." She teased. There should be a comma rather than a period after “you”.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice in this piece was smooth as glass, and very consistent. It held an air of sophistication fitting to the tale. It also, however, kept the reader at arm’s length.
Effect – 6.5 of 10 – This piece was more vignette than story. A quick snapshot of two people with both being exactly the same at the end as they were in the beginning. The eroticism of the moment is captured well, and the characters are well draw (the man is a bit stereotypical), but nothing really happens.
General Comments – This is a very well written piece, and I think you could go somewhere with these characters. I found some of the word choices to be a bit like pot-holes in an otherwise smooth road; “underwear as white as well,” and “…and a cool and slow, insistent breeze…” are a couple of them. There were very good lines too; “They were not so far from shore that seagulls didn’t fly,” it’s a bit passive, but it works for me.



Reunion Point
alanmt
Total – 17.5 of 20
SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. Very well constructed. My only suggestion might be to use an ellipsis in place of the comma in; But he never came back, alive.
Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The realism of the dialogue added much to this story; it helped greatly in getting inside the character’s heads.
Effect – 9 of 10 – Nice twist to the tale. It was set up very well, and the story moved at a nice pace. There were just a couple of places where the writing took me out of the story and had me thinking, “Why did he do that?” One was the line; He looked down to see a ghostly hand sticking out from his chest, and then collapsed. There’s nothing technically wrong with that line, it just felt clunky. The same with the line which starts with; He saw a spirit pass above him… Not wrong, just not as smooth as the rest of the story.
General Comments – I really like this story. It reminds me of something I could expect to see as an old Night Gallery episode. All of my complaints above are just very minor nits. Good job.



Out At Sea
HKayG
Total – 14 of 20
SPaG – 2.5 of 5 – Consistent grammatical errors. There were a number of missing commas in dialogue. For instance; “Thalia(,)” he took his child’s chin delicately in his fingers(,) “we have reached…” This occurs several times. Also, the second use of the word ‘Nymphs’, in the fourth paragraph isn’t capitalized.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice was consistent, and you managed to hold the ‘high fantasy’ type of tone very well all the way through. It’s easy to slip and get too conversational.
Effect – 7.5 of 10 – This was a fun read and I was pulled along very well, but the end just seemed to wrap up too quickly. I had the impression that the word limit jumped up and bit you on this one. You did a good job of building tension, but the pay-off wasn’t equal to the build-up. A case of ‘plotus interuptus’.
General Comments – A very nice story. It would do well in a longer form where you would have time to give the details the attention they deserve. Is it based on an actual myth, or did you create it from whole cloth?



The Bottle of Beer
morc44u
Total – 17 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. Punctuation seems impeccable, and I very much like the rhythm and flow of the sentences, but there were two mistakes that really broke the flow. In the fourth sentence of the second paragraph; He carried himself with himself the bravado… and then, later during their conversation; “With whom do I have the honor of drinking this tequila with?” 
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The pace and flow was wonderful. There were also some very nice images drawn, but to fit the fantasy being created I would have liked to see you use phrasing more like a trashy romance. A bit more ‘purple prose’ would have really set this story off.
Effect – 9.5 of 10 – I really liked how you pulled off the reveal at the end. Ninety percent of the story is the fantasy and then you hit us with the twist in just 80 words. That’s a great use of the space allotted. Good job!
General Comments – This was a great use of the prompt, and it was very well executed. The two word gaffs mentioned under the SPaG score were the only things keeping this from scoring much higher.


Where’s the trunks?
costumedanceparty
Total – 14.5 of 20
SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. Solid as an oak door. Shows a good attention to detail.
Tone and Voice – 3.5 of 5 – Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. Late in the story the tense shifts between past and present a couple of times. 
Effect – 7 of 10 – The end was a bit of a let-down. There wasn’t much of an emotional punch there. 
General Comments – This was a fun read, and it was very well crafted. With just a bit more focus on the emotional side of the incident it could be a great story.



Unrequited
MisterTribute
Total – 13 of 20
SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. The punctuation and sentence structure was solid (perhaps a few too many sentence fragments for such a short piece), but there was some odd grammar in places. Things like: …my friends watching something in their phones – should be ‘on their phones’, and Distances away, Mrs. McNeil is crying. ‘Distances’ doesn’t work here, perhaps ‘some distance away’.
Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 – Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. There are so many short sentences in this story that it reads very choppy, like riding a bicycle along railroad tracks. Short sentences can add power to a story; too many of them ruin the flow. Jason is an interesting character, I would like to get to know him better.
Effect – 7 of 10 – The story does a good job of showing Jason’s sense of loss, and the ending being almost entirely dialogue, is effective. The story would have been much more effective if it had a better flow.
General Comments – I liked this story. One line, in particular, stood out for me: Perhaps he was eaten by his conscience. Very nice!



Out at Sea: Journal of a Clairvoyant Door-Salesman
KarKingJack
Total – 9.5 of 20
SPaG – 1.5 of 5 – Unreadable writing. Erratic use of capitalization, wildly placed commas, and odd phrasing. 
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. I scored this a ‘4’ because I think you were trying to do something specific with this piece, but I don’t know what it was.
Effect – 4 of 10 – I’m not sure what sort of effect you were looking for with this piece. It reads almost like a stream-of-consciousness thing, but not quite. As a reader I reached the end with a sense of confusion.
General Comments – I apologize if I completely missed the boat on this story, but I read it several times and just couldn’t find the boarding ramp.



The Secret of Ice Island
LaughinJim
Total 15 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. Pretty solid, with just a couple of missed commas, IMO.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice was steady throughout the story, and the nautical terminology was used well. There were a couple of word choices which caused speed-bumps for me. One was this: It took a mortal blow to the lower back to disable him and the coup de grace was a thrust in the neck. A mortal blow doesn’t disable, it kills, and coup-de-grace, as a foreign phrase, should be italicized.
Effect – 7.5 of 10 – I liked the fantasy aspect of this story and the well thought out mythos of Ice Island and the quest. I had a lot of fun reading that. I was disappointed in the waking-up-from-a-dream ending. That’s just a bit too cookie-cutter. With some work to smooth out the writing, and a more effective end, this could be a really nice story.


Dartman’s Principal
Cadence
Total 16 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. Punctuation looks good in this one, well crafted. I only caught two items: Ship names, like Embassy, should be italicized; and when you write “Any of the offices’ll pay good coin for this.” I think you meant “officers’ll”.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. You did a good job of capturing, and sticking with, the voice of the young protagonist. His subtle infatuation with Alle is well handled.
Effect – 8.5 of 10 – I like the way this story wrapped up. It was a low-key ending, but offered much promise for the characters, as well as for the reader who would want to read more about them. The writing is nicely restrained, staying true to the laid-back mood of the piece.
General Comments – This is a well rounded and satisfying story. It would benefit from some further polishing to tighten up some rough phrasing; He caught flashes of the sunlight on the bare skin beneath her leggings, lighting it up as if it was made of milk and honey. Once close, he could smell the whiff of lavender around her and make out the flecks of the flower she’d scattered about her hair. Referring to the bare skin as ‘it’ dilutes the semi-erotic tone you are trying to set, and, you can’t scatter a single flower—perhaps flower petals… Any way, minor nits. Good job.



The Wreck of the Dreary Mare
Bazz Cargo
Total – 18 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. A couple of missing commas, and a technicality—Lunar features are not usually introduced using articles; Mare Nubrium not the Mare Nubrium.
Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style or technique. You nailed the matter-of-fact tone of an astronaut, and kept the voice flat and emotionless even through the crash. Very good job.
Effect – 9.5 of 10 – Great use of the prompt in this one. I was absorbed with the story starting with the title. The pace was fantastic; an entire story in just 358 words. I found the ending just a bit abrupt, however. It could have benefited from more resolution. I relly like this one.



In Memoriam
JackKnife
Total 16.5 of 20
SPaG – 4.5 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. This is a well crafted story. You vary sentence length and use ellipses and ‘em’ dashes well.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. I like what you did here in trying to hold back the true nature of the departed. That was an interesting technique. There is a bit of tense confusion in the second paragraph, however. The first paragraph is a memory, something which takes place in the past, so saying, Things weren’t always like this – is confusing.
Effect – 8 of 10 – Maybe it’s because I’m a ‘dog-guy’, but this story worked for me. I guessed where it was going at – You always loved it here, didn’t you, girl. I found the paragraph about the destruction of the iPhone just a bit clunky and implausible.
General Comments – This is an effective, well written story that reads like a real memory. I enjoyed it very much. 


The Cast and Tangle School of Fishing
garza
Total – 17.5 of 20
SPaG – 4.5 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. I really like the way the sentences in the narrative portion of this story are put together, and, as always, your dialogue is natural and easy on the ear. The only problem is the use of the registered trademark symbol—fiction pieces don’t need it here’s a link discussing it:

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/use-...es-in-fiction/

Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. This story flows along like warm honey. The pace is perfectly suited to the action in the narrative.
Effect – 8 of 10 – The characters in this story are very well drawn, with easily discernable, unique personalities. The action took me back to my youth standing in my side yard practicing with my rod and reel. The last line was a very nice finish. Overall, however, the piece was more of a vignette, than a story.
General Comments – I very much enjoy the Mike and Bernie tales. Your prose is so easy to read that in becomes a bit difficult to critique, as I find myself drawn into the narrative and struggle to focus on the nuts and bolts. That’s a nice problem to have.


Shooting Stars
JonM
Total 15.5 of 20
SPaG – 3 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. A couple of missing commas; one was in the line; …no get your hands off me right now(,) Ken you… Also, ‘life’ in; …as much as slurring Life is a cabaret… shouldn’t be capitalized.
Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. The hyper-kinetic voice of the narrator is handled well all the way through, and creates a strong sense of who that narrator is. Well done.
Effect – 7.5 of 10 – The piece had the quality of a photograph, a snap-shot of a person showing great detail. I never engaged with the character, however, and the frenetic pace of the narration—while perfectly fitting the piece—was, for me, uncomfortable to read.
General Comments – You are a very skilled writer, and I think you did pretty much what you wanted to with this story. That is a valuable ability. This is one of the most well-written stories in this batch.



Coming Home
Dave Watson
Total – 17 of 20
SPaG – 4 of 5 – Grammatically flawless writing. The prose is put together solidly with my only questions being the very first comma—after, Frank—I don’t believe it’s necessary.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice is even and consistent, and the prose flows smoothly from front to back. The narrator blends seamlessly into the story, letting the story unfold without interruption. The reader is kept at arm’s length from the action and that distance weakens the story for me.
Effect – 9 of 10 – I like the ending very much. It is handled with realism and skill. It would have been easy to go over board with the maelstrom, but you didn’t. If I had been closer to the protagonist the effect would have been complete.
General Comments – Excellent story. There is a lot of back-story here and you handled it very, very well while not getting bogged down in it. That’s not easy to do in flash fiction.



An Old Man’s Shack
InsanityStrickenWriter
Total – 15 of 20
SPaG – 3.5 of 5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors. The comma after ‘home’ in the first sentence should be a semicolon.
Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice of the old man’s POV was consistent, and we had a good look inside his head. I kept thinking of Shrek.
Effect – 7.5 of 10 – There were a couple of things that pulled me out of the story. One was the line; The old man quickly hid behind a fat toad sitting on a nearby lily pad. I’ve seen some big toads, but never one large enough to hide behind. The ending also seemed odd; the idea of the old man pushing his shack through a swamp toward the sea just doesn’t compute for me.
General Comments – This story almost reads like a fable, but without the moral hook attached. It is a nice, quirky, little tale.



Nooseworthy Vacation
Foxee
Total 18.5 of 20
SPaG – 5 of 5 – Competent use of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. I really like the way this one is put together. The structure of the writing keeps time with the tone of the story like a good bass rhythm.
Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The narration does a great job of getting inside Thomas’ head, and his voice is quite distinct. 
Effect – 9 of 10 – This is a warm, compelling story. Watching the narrator get sucked into his dive as a way to impress a girl was fun, and the ending is very natural to the story as well as realistic and funny.
General Comments – In this one we get a fully told tale and a sub-plot (the cute blonde)! That’s not easy to do in just 650 words. This is another story which was difficult to score because I got so wrapped up in the story. It took a few readings. 



*Mr Mitchell’s Scores!*


Title: Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuff Out at Sea
Author: Arcopitcairan 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 9
This is was an interesting read and it was fast paced. I like it.

Title: The Dead Of The Sea
Author: Flesheater
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 9
I enjoyed this as it was dark, twisted tale. The pace was good. Very powerful.

Title: Out At Sea
Author: MacDub
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
This is strong writing and I like it. It has a great pace and you’re a good wordsmith.

Title: Out At Sea
Author: Helium 
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
I like the characters, they seemed real and when you wrote in first person, I think it works well.

: Title: If you find this please send it to Jeanine Doughty in Mahtowa, WI

Author: Lasm
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 9
I loved this story. It went rather quickly, but that’s a good thing as it did flow. Good job.

Title: Out To Sea
Author: Wessik
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique
Effect: 8 
I enjoyed it and was well written, but it needed something more. Maybe darkness. I don’t know. It was good through.

Title: Reunion Point
Author: Alanmt 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice:5/5- Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique
Effect: 10
This is my favourite piece of work from you, it was fast pace, real and a human story.

Title: Out At Sea
Author: HkayG
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
This was a good read and something human about it too. I loved this story very much so.

Title: The Bottle Of Beer 
Author:Morc44u
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone and Voice 2/5 - Generic, uninteresting tone.
Effect 10
I sort of like the piece, but the voice annoyed me. However, it was well written.

Title: Where The Trunks 
Author:TheCostumedanceparty 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
I like the story and it was interesting. I like the pace and it had a good flow.

Title: Unrequited
Author: MisterTribute 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
That was scary and well written. The ideas were good and I enjoyed it. Good job.

Title: Out At Sea: Journal Of A Clairvoyant Door-salesmen
Author: KarKingJack 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 8
This was a fun read and well written, a great pace and flows well.

Title: The Secret Of Ice Island 
Author: Laughing Jim
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
This was well-written and fast pace, it was good.
Title: Dartman’s Principle 

Author: Cadence
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
This was a good read an was fast pace. It was well written and I like it.

Title: The Wreck Of The Dreary Mare.
Author: Bazz Cargo 
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 9
I enjoyed this, Bazz, and it was interesting. The story was funny, like all your work. So good job.

Title: In Memoriam
Author: JackKnife 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 9
I enjoyed reading this and I like it. 

Title: The Cast and Tangle School of Fishing
Author: Gazza 
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 10
I like this piece, it works well, the has a fast pace. The characters are real

Title: Shooting Stars
Author: Jon M
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 2/5 - Generic, uninteresting tone.
Effect: 7
I didn’t really like this story: it was slow, boring and nothing happened.

Title: Coming home
Author: Dave Watson
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 8
I feel this was good, and it felt real as well. For me, that’s important. 

Title: An Old Man’s Shack
Author: InsaintyStrickenWriter 
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect: 10
This is a very good piece of work – the pace, the pace was fast and that can only be a good thing.

Title: Nooseworthy Vacation

Author: Foxee
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
Tone/Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect: 9
I like it as it has fast pace, and something was always happening.


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## Foxee (Oct 26, 2012)

Congrats to Insanity, Alan, and Garza. I read these entries after subbing mine and I have to say you guys richly deserved the win!

And thank you, judges, for lending your time and thought to this. You are much appreciated!

Lastly, thank you to Potty and I'm sorry if I burned holes through you with my eyeballs or poked you too much with the pitchfork. I am not known for my patience.  You are awesome, though.


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## JackKnife (Oct 26, 2012)

@Fin Hurrah! I managed to sort of please you this time, haha. Thanks for your comments. I have to admit I wrote this after playing a game where one of the prominent characters has a slight Mexican accent, so I wrote this entire short in his voice and some of the words would make more sense spoken by his voice actor. Granted, that can't be portrayed very well in text.

@KarlR Whoops. Guess I should've attached the prompt to the story with a bit more than a string. I kind of rushed this one, so if I had been prudent enough to give myself more time to look over it, maybe I could've reached that elusive 20 from you. Thanks for the 'tique.

@Terry D Thanks for the comments. I blame myself for not rereading the short enough before submitting it again, because I just didn't leave myself enough time. Lesson learned. Glad you enjoyed the tone and glad I wrote it about a dog instead of a bunny or a gecko if you're a dog guy. 

@Mr Mitchell Thanks for reading.

Overall, phew - I did a lot better than I thought I would. .2 out of third place! New high score! Congrats to the winners.


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## Jon M (Oct 27, 2012)

> Title: Shooting Stars
> Author: Jon M
> Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
> Tone/Voice: 2/5 - Generic, uninteresting tone.
> ...



:encouragement:


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## alanmt (Oct 27, 2012)

Thank you judges!  I am pleasantly surprised to be in the top 3; I thought the field was full of amazing stories. It turned out to be a great prompt and was the catalyst for some very fine work.

fin:  Haha, thank you! I actually blushed reading your critique.  I am glad you liked it so much.  I hadn't done a LM entry in months and months (other than my late entry last month), so I entered with a fair amount of trepidation.

KarlR: Thanks for the considered crit, and for bringing me back to earth after fin's 20.    I agree, it is a bit heavy-handed,a nd worth an edit with that in mind. I find that I struggle with subtlety and a lighter touch especially in flash fiction. 

TerryD: I actually was a bit worried about the punctuaiton before 'alive' and I think that you are right, ellipses would have been a better choice, if a more obvious foreshadowing. And now that you mention it, those two sentences near the end are a bit off, not write as smooth and expressive as they should be. I loved night gallery, so I am thrilled by the comparison.  I will never forget the episode called "The Caterpillar."

mrmitchell:  Glad you liked it, buddy. Now that I think about it, it does seem written in a similar style to your writing style and pacing.


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## garza (Oct 27, 2012)

Thank you, judges, for your comments. They will be filed away and used to guide future efforts.

Fin - Thank you very much for remembering the characters and especially for recognising them as distinct personalities. My stories are always heavy with dialogue because that's what I'm most comfortable writing. It comes from loving to listen to people talk, picking up their accents and such. I try to show through their own words what the characters are thinking and doing. And yes, it was supposed to make you laugh.

KarlR - Bless you for explaining the SPaG problems you saw. That helps. The 'Anh, anh, teach' was an effort at reproducing a sound meaning 'no' along with a fifties bit of slang - 'teach' for teacher. Maybe 'No, teacher' would have been better, but would have been out of character. I'll give it some thought. As for 'No fish gonna bite that', it's an echo of what I've heard so much in New York, the dropping of a sound that might slow the speaker without adding any meaning for the listener. Bernie would never do that, but Mike probably would. Again, it's something to think about for the future. As for speech tags or narrative clues, I try to avoid them as much as possible. Maybe a few more would be good. 

Terry D - The narrative part of the story is in my magazine essay style, so I've had plenty of practice. The use of the marca registrada is old habit. In the kind of writing that's made my living the mark is required and I used it here without thinking. The casting lesson was built on two bits of my own youth - fishing and baseball. I fished a lot and played shortstop on a neighbourhood team. That throw to first is the shortstop's reason for living, and being able to drop a fake minnow in next to swamp grass is the key to going home with a bucket full of specks and reds. I've not fished North Bayou since I was 15 years old. Maybe one day I'll go back for one last cast.

Mr Mitchell - Thank you for your comments. The characters are modeled on old guys I've known. I was sitting on a bench in Corozal Town's Central Park one day last week and suddenly realised I've become one of those old guys.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Oct 27, 2012)

Thanks to all the judges for your efforts - that was a prodigious quantity of reading and commenting. Glad my story was received so graciously. 

Fin, yes, in retrospect, maybe he could have had some reservation numbers or maps he'd printed out in a plastic sleeve or something. Would have made more sense and given him more paper.

TerryD, it's funny, I went through and systematically removed semi-colons because I figured Mike wouldn't be the type to use them - must not have replaced them all effectively enough.

Congrats to alanmt, garza, and InsanityStrickenWriter! very fun stories, all of you.


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## Jeko (Oct 27, 2012)

Thanks to the judges for their comments. I felt I played it safe this time... might try something weirder next month.

A few responses to judges' comments:

KarlR: 



> It’s the story that’s odd. Not sure where we are in the world or in time.



I took inspiration from Neil Gaiman's Stardust - a world based on ours, but with much altered, including geography.



> And what the hell is Dartman’s principle?



Greed.


Terry D:




> Ship names, like Embassy, should be italicized



I never knew. This was the first time I'd written anything involving vast waters - I'll have to remember these little things.



> and when you write “Any of the offices’ll pay good coin for this.” I think you meant “officers’ll”.



....I didn't. I was referring to offices of trade and the like. Did look ambiguous, though.



> His subtle infatuation with Alle is well handled.



I thought I'd completely mucked it up!


Once again, thanks for all the comments.


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## Jeko (Oct 27, 2012)

> it was slow, boring and nothing happened.



I thought that was about mine.


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## garza (Oct 27, 2012)

No, that was originally meant for mine but the Little People intervened.


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## MacDub (Oct 28, 2012)

My favorites were Iasm and Garza. The letter in the bottle made me want to hand write that in a tainted water bottle and chuck it into the bay for fun. Really that was a moving piece of writing.  

Garza had me laughing with the fishing story. The level of humor there can be taken at the surface, and deeper by someone who has fished with the inept. Really hilarious with patience that made it much more. I think over here, we call that type of reel a Bait Caster, Tricky things that I've not tried to learn. I'll stay away from the boats and walk the creeks with a flip-bail spinner targeting trout and the occasional unexpected steelhead.
All in all, it was an honor to write and read with you all.
I can't wait for next prompt to get underway.


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## Jeko (Oct 28, 2012)

...by the way, who is Candence?


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## Potty (Oct 28, 2012)

It's my pet name for you, the more I like a person the more I mis-spell their names.


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## JackKnife (Oct 28, 2012)

Does missing a space in someone's username count as misspelling? <3


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## Jeko (Oct 28, 2012)

> It's my pet name for you, the more I like a person the more I mis-spell their names.



I see... 

Keeps reminding me of the name Candace, though. Which makes me feel more like a girl. And I'm trying to get _away _from my feminie side. 

You know, because it's got a knife and wants to stab me for not liking the idea of women priests.

_Anyway, _it's cool. It's the best pet name I've had so far by miles.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 28, 2012)

Congratulations to: ISW, AlanMT and Garza. (Round of applause).  :applouse:
 Thank you to the judges and Potty.

My personal favourite. (By a whisker).  Coming Home by Dave Watson.   

There was so much good writing ( MisterTribute and Foxee and everyone) it made this  a tough round. I needed a drink after this.



> Fin
> I like the opening line. Simple, but true and unheard enough to catch my attention. My favorite part of the story was hands down the second to last paragraph. Not sure if it was intentional, but the visuals I got from it were hilarious.
> 
> I feel you could've done a little bit more with this. It was an enjoyable straight forward read though, definitely.


 @Fin.
 Thank you for your input. The opening line is something I always put a lot of thought into. The spin cycle sentence was my attempt at describing the action in such a way that even reading the sentence gave the reader a feel of what was happening. The added, dark humour was a delightful and unexpected bonus. Black humour is often used to deal with life's crisis, so I kept it.  

 Regards
 Bazz





> Karl
> Turning into quite the writer, aren’t we, Mr. Cargo? Very clean, linear, easy to follow. Only a nit, but shouldn’t we have him in a spacesuit before he uses the laser? I realize that you did, but the reader doesn’t find this out till the last paragraph. Well done!


@Karl.
 Thank you for your input. I try. One day I may write the wow! Factor.  The problem with writing hardcore sci fi is the balance point between what the reader needs to know and what they would already know. A. C. Clarke fans would know anyone travelling in  space would require a suit to be worn at all times. The Star Trek generation wouldn't have a clue. I don't know how to marry the two together. Yet.

Regards  
 Bazz



> Terry D
> Tone and Voice – 5 of 5 – Perfectly fitting, or unique style or technique. You nailed the matter-of-fact tone of an astronaut, and kept the voice flat and emotionless even through the crash. Very good job.
> Effect – 9.5 of 10 – Great use of the prompt in this one. I was absorbed with the story starting with the title. The pace was fantastic; an entire story in just 358 words. I found the ending just a bit abrupt, however. It could have benefited from more resolution. I relly like this one.


 @Terry D.  
 Thanks for your input. After reading my way through the rest of the entries I was worried my effort would come across as rather bland. No real emotion.  I'm glad you mentioned the title. I used it as a working title/joke and then couldn't think of a better one. I did try a rather more expanded ending but it took me way over the permitted count.

 Regards
 Bazz



> Mr Mitchell
> I enjoyed this, Bazz, and it was interesting. The story was funny, like all your work. So good job.


@ Mr Mitchell.
 Thank you for your input. It is an interesting exercise; making a short work tick so many boxes. And it was nice to go back to my roots and do some sci fi.  

 Regards
 Bazz



> That is the thing about traveling in a Luna Hopper, they are designed to shift stuff not people.


 
 I was under the illusion that commas made logical breaks. So if I put one between shift, stuff. You get:  

_That is the thing about traveling in a Luna Hopper stuff not people.  _

 I'm only learning.

 The other thing to note: The unfortunate traveler has no name, gender or age. Talk about no frills writing.   

 Next!


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## FleshEater (Oct 28, 2012)

Congratulation to the winners! Awesome writing!

Thank you to the judges!

I won't comment on each, but I do know that in just the past week I've become a far better writer. I received a lot of help in the Writer's Workshop and would like at some point to rewrite my story without the word limit and without all thenissues haha!


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## helium (Oct 28, 2012)

Thank you judges for taking the time and congrats to everyone, the stories were a splash to read.


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## Dave Watson (Oct 29, 2012)

Thanks again to the judges for their time and efforts, and nice work by those on the podium. Really enjoying these wee monthly opportunities to try out new things. "Coming Home" was my first attempt at a weepy, but just couldn't resist throwing in some craziness at the end!


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Oct 30, 2012)

Hurray! Been meaning to enter a story for ages, but kept missing the deadlines  I think the last time I entered something was almost a year ago. With any luck this ought to motivate me to get back into writing more often.

As always, thanks to the judges for their time and effort (I remember my own experience of judging once, nightmare), and congratz to my fellow winners alan and garza  

And just a quick note to Terry- It was a _very_ fat toad, I assure you.


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