# A Love Note



## inkwellness (Dec 16, 2015)

You are, 
the sweetest part of me.
The wind carries your name,
as my lips set it free.

You are,
a spark to light my soul.
The dark is not the same,
your flame ignites the whole.

You are,
the truest, far above.
As tinder to the flame,
I'm burning for your love.


--Comments and feedback would be helpful. 
(especially on the last line of the third stanza)


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## ned (Dec 16, 2015)

don't like going first - too much pressure..........(smiley face moment)

simple and sweet for what it is - but liked the passion in the ending, comes across well.

the third stanza? - I would drop it altogether
which allows the second stanza to run naturally into the last - just a thought

cheers
Ned


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## Firemajic (Dec 16, 2015)

inkwellness said:


> YOU are,
> the sweetest part of me.
> The wind carries your name,
> as my lips set it free.
> ...



I agree that this line needs reworked... anyway.. this kind of poetry is.. not my thing.. I really hate "romantic" stuff.. but this is so gentle and sweet ... so, I did enjoy reading it [and I did not have the urge to vomit..lol] Inkwellness, I think you could write a poem about the phone book and make it work! Thanks for a cool read..


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## inkwellness (Dec 16, 2015)

Ned, I think you're right about dropping it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 

Firemajic, you are so kind. Thanks. And I'm glad you didn't vomit. uker:uker:uker:


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## TL Murphy (Dec 16, 2015)

The capitol YOU each time throws me off balance a bit.  The fact that the word repeats at the head of each stanza is a profound statement in itself.  YOU don't need to over do it.

Twinkling doesn't fit the rest of the poem.  It's the weakest word in there and I think you already know that by your request. You could simply drop that word and the poem would work better.  Or come up with a fitting word that more describes the subject and ties her to a star.  "Your wink" comes to mind. But I think just cutting "twinkling" works better.


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## aj47 (Dec 17, 2015)

To rework the last line, you need to reassemble the rhyme.  Find synonyms for sky or change the word order so it ends on a different word.


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## xdlwilliamz (Dec 17, 2015)

nice one


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## Bard_Daniel (Dec 17, 2015)

Hey inkwellness!

I really liked this, I could almost feel the purity of this. For me, it was good. As Firemajic mentioned, maybe you could fix up the third stanza a bit or, as mentioned, drop it altogether to make it tighter and more concise.

Nonetheless, a good work!


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## escorial (Dec 18, 2015)

the word I stopped, slowed me down..had an almost full stop new beginning feel....a delicate piece that needed to keep going until the end I felt....cool piece


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## inkwellness (Dec 18, 2015)

escorial said:


> the word I stopped, slowed me down..had an almost full stop new beginning feel....a delicate piece that needed to keep going until the end I felt....cool piece


Yes, I see what you mean. Good point!

Cheers


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## audrey (Dec 19, 2015)

Well I am brand new here so take my comment for what it is worth---and use it if it helpful to you--

You might thinks about wrapping the last stanza in to the first stanza--right now the last line in the stanza does feel a bit awkward --and I know you are trying to maintain syllable count in the lines. otherwise I would change the last line to--I burn for your love.--but that destroys the meter--but if you were to rewrite the last stanza altogether--and wrap it into the first, it would make a nice frame--

In the first stanza, you let the loved one out into the world--it would be nice if in the last stanza, you took the loved one back in somehow


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## inkwellness (Dec 19, 2015)

Audrey- marvelous feedback! Thank you


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## Darkkin (Dec 20, 2015)

It bubbles and bounces, something I love in poetry.  However, and it is probably just my skewed perception, but this feels almost too light and insubstantial.  Emotions carry weight, with a lot of power and follow through, striking deep notes in the human psyche.  Your rhythm and rhyme are spot on, but this is a little generic.  

You're taking on a subject that has been covered countless times before, and while this is a very good showing, there isn't anything that makes it utterly unique.  Ask yourself, how can I make my voice heard loud and clear in this piece?

Also, take a look at S2.  You have light used in both L2 and L4.  Little bit redundant.  Consider in L4, you have flame, a rhyme with light and also corollary to flame is ignite.  Read the line as written and then consider substituting ignite.  Hear the difference?

Overall, this is a sweet, quick read.  The removal of stanza three from the original was a very wise move, allowing the rest of the piece to flow marvelously.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## inkwellness (Dec 20, 2015)

Darkkin,

I have to admit, ignite does sound good in that spot. Thank you for your feedback.  As always it is enlightening. :icon_cheesygrin:

Let me ask you this: Do you think "ignite" will be an effective substitute for "light" when in the context of adding light to something?


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## Darkkin (Dec 20, 2015)

In this context, yes.  Light, by its basic definition means to illuminate, to brighten, whereas ignite, means to tender a flame into being.  The raw power of fire is inherent in ignite, where light is much more ambiguous and nonlinear.


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## inkwellness (Dec 21, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> In this context, yes.  Light, by its basic definition means to illuminate, to brighten, whereas ignite, means to tender a flame into being.  The raw power of fire is inherent in ignite, where light is much more ambiguous and nonlinear.


Ok. Made changes. Thanks.


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