# Try Again



## writersblock (Jun 5, 2012)

Hey guys, 

I am posting my first attempt at poetry. I am not a technical writer, I just love putting words together and sometimes I feel that the result is very simplistic and cliché. Please give me your honest opinion. I do take criticism as a way to improve. 

Thank you

When it seems like everything is gone
And the pain of the moment cannot be borne
When you feel like your efforts are down the drain
And everything that you believe in has failed
It’s not time to sit and shed a tear
It’s time to rise and beat your fear
It’s not time to fade in gloom
It’s time to beat the impending doom
It’s not time to sulk and hide in your room
It’s time to marshal your strengths, and soon!
It’s not time to drive yourself insane
It’s time to let courage, confidence and sobriety reign
It’s time to rise
Rise up and try again!


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## Bloggsworth (Jun 6, 2012)

First things first, welcome to the forum; second, your self analysis is spot on, which is a very good start if you want to be a poet. Poetry is all about using ordinary words in extraordinary ways, and as few of them as you can get away with. With this poem you are competing head-on with _Rudyard Kipling's_ "*If*" - this is not a good idea! It may of course be that you have never read *If*, if not, please do, it will show you that your ideas were good, but that the execution is not yet up to the mark. Get yourself an anthology, something like _The Norton Anthology of Poetry_, this will give you an idea of the depth and variety available to the poet, it will demonstrate to you how good you will become if you work at it....... for about 10,000 hours (apparently, it takes that long to become really good at anything; piano, violin, writing, hang-gliding). You will find that, at the start, you are your own most incompetent critic, which is normal - everybody's own babies are beautiful! You will have to learn to be objective about your own poems, see them as an examiner would; realise that the line you love so much, are really pleased with, actually belongs in a different poem altogether; that a stanza that once looked so relevant should, like a bad book, be remaindered. Keep a notebook, and every time you think of any words that somehow run together, write them down; every time you think of a couple of words that prompt an idea, write them down, they may well turn out to be some of your best titles. Above all, have fun...


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## writersblock (Jun 6, 2012)

Thank you so much Bloggsworth. I will definitely immerse myself into reading more works of others and the idea of a notebook sounds great. I appreciate you taking the time to do this.


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## Bloggsworth (Jun 6, 2012)

It's why we're here... I'm sure you'll do the same for me when I need a kick up the poetic backside.


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## Kevin (Jun 6, 2012)

Eh, lets see...9,980 hours of words on the wall...you take one down, pass it around...(almost there)


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## writersblock (Jun 7, 2012)

I am confused Kevin


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## CrazyInk (Jun 12, 2012)

It's a good start. I like the peom. Reading poetry from different authors help me out a lot with my writing and I do my best to be the best writer I can be. It's not hard to have passion and intrest, but writing is more like harvesting a skill. Your thoughts and your experiences are already there and plus you imagination but putting it in words can be tricky.


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## Karamu Obi (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't know, this could just  be me, but this poem doesn't seem to have very good rhythm, like what the rappers call "flow", like, the amount of syllables in each line don't compliment each other. 

Dr. Suess:

It's often been said
There's so much to be read,
That you never can cram
All those words in your head... (this isn't the whole poem)

See how the no. of syllables in each line are the same? (The first line has five syllables, but it feels like six when you read it because of the long 'e' sound.)

Your poem didn't have that sort or rhythm. 

I'm not saying all your poems have to have the same amount of syllables, but if you want your rhyming poems to sound good, it's something to pay attention to.

And then there's your rhymes.

Before I go further, I should say that I learnt all this from Lupe and DMX and Masta Ace. Well, I learnt a bit from The Good Doctor, and maybe a little from other poets, too, but listening to (non-vulgar, non-sexist, non-retarded) rappers is a good way to get a feel for 'flow'. 

So, yeah, your rhymes. 

They didn't rhyme. 

I'm assuming you wanted all your line endings to rhyme here. I could be wrong. 

This is definitely something to pay attention to. And if you don't want all your lines to rhyme, then try to make it symmetrical. Perfect Symmetry, bro, the concept applies to poems to.

Once again, this could just be me. I hold no responsibility if you follow these tips to the letter and end up de-evolving into some kind of... of... horrible writer.

So, here's an example of how you could have made every line rhyme and get that 'flow'

When it seems like it's all gone, 
When the pain just can't be bourne, (what word is that, like, Bourne identity?)
Efforts flowing down the drain,
You don't want to try again,
Do not sit, don't shed a tear,
You must rise, defeat your fears!
Do not fade into the room, 
Beat that all-impending doom!
Don't sulk and hide in your room,
Marshall all your strength, and soon!
Do not drive yourself insane,
Let rationality reign...
Rise...
Rise, and try again!

See what I just did there, I just skipped the second phase of your writing hobby. You are one lucky kid.

I kid, I kid, but, really, you should at least take this into consideration.

And remember:







I'll have an eye out for your next poem!

-K.O.


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## writersblock (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks for your input Mr. Obi. I appreciate you taking the time to give such an in-depth critique. I will definitely put to good use your tips on rhyming and rhythm. Oh and borne is the past participle of the word bear. Definitely not Jason Bourne. But good one!


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## Misty Mirrors (Jul 3, 2012)

I liked your poem.
The "it's" have a pattern. A good thing follows a bad one, etc. 
I write without rhythm and rhyme. I think it spoils the meaning and cleverness.


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## Paglia (Jul 29, 2012)

I've found that couplet rhyming makes for a poem that reads too fast, is bit too enthusiastic, and generally ends up campy, so ... perhaps try quatrains? 
The spatter of exclamation marks is nice, though.


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