# The Econolodge



## Squalid Glass (Jul 15, 2011)

*EDITED VERSION LOWER IN THREAD!!!


The Econolodge*
_(After Elizabeth Bishop)_


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## Alex (Jul 16, 2011)

I like these quasi-prose poems... better to tell a story than befuddle a reader!


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## Bachelorette (Jul 16, 2011)

I'm going to read the Bishop poem and get back to you. First impression, though, is that I really, really like this. You never cease to amaze me, the way you always try new things. I need to be more like that...


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## Bachelorette (Jul 16, 2011)

My initial reaction still stands: I like this a lot. The tone really is very similar to that of Bishop's poem without seeming like an outright copy or intentional aping; you took that tone and made it uniquely your own. Just needs a tweak or two here and there, IMO. Great job.


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## jeffrey c mcmahan (Jul 16, 2011)

This poem opens with clear and vivid imagery. There's some wonderful chaos in this piece. The voice starts of strong and compels the reader onward. An enjoying read. Now, onward.


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 17, 2011)

alex and jeff - thank you very much for the kind words. Appreciated.

Bachelorette - Did you enjoy the Bishop piece?! It's one of my favorites. Your edits look sound to me. Thank you for the careful read. I will fix what you mentioned.


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## Chiefspider (Jul 17, 2011)

I really enjoyed this, imagery was strong, and the story kept me enthralled all the way through - I do have to agree with bachelorette, I don't think you should repeat the name in the first sentence, other than that I have no nits  great piece  - keep up the good work!


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## wood (Jul 17, 2011)

hey s.g., i'll have to come back to this one.  this is a big poem (i don't mean in length, but in scope) so i want to read a few more times.  but i like!  ok, be back soon


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 17, 2011)

Reading Bachelorette's excellent edit may I suggest.

Glasses momentarily fog
and
I was a part apart


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## wood (Jul 17, 2011)

i really like this, of all that i've read of yours so far, i think i like this one best



again, i really like this.  i love the element of the green door and all the subtle transformations you built around that.  this has a strong voice, great images, great movement.  one of your best i think


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## Bachelorette (Jul 17, 2011)

I did enjoy Bishop's piece, yes. She's not one of my favorite poets, but then, I haven't read a lot of her work, so I'm probably judging her too soon. She IS on my list of poets to do a more in-depth study of; however, I've been focusing on Dylan Thomas recently and I was planning on checking out either Anne Sexton or Amy Lowell next. But I'll get around to Bishop by-and-by.


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 17, 2011)

Chief - thank you so much for the kind words, friend.

Olly - clever suggestions. I have made the changes.

 wood - I love your critique and have made changes where I felt them appropriate. With the image of the boy, I was hoping to make it a little creepy and weird. I like breasts there because it saves the image that maybe this boy isn't a boy after all 

 Bachelorette - Thomas is great, of course, and Lowell is strong. Haven't read Sexton. But I would continually highly recommend Bishop. She's one of my favorites.

Here is the edit:

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*The Econolodge*
_(After Elizabeth Bishop)_


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## Bachelorette (Jul 17, 2011)

> Bachelorette - Thomas is great, of course, and Lowell is strong. Haven't  read Sexton. But I would continually highly recommend Bishop. She's one  of my favorites.



Yeah? In that case, I'll have to bump her up on the list, won't I?


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 18, 2011)

Reading through the revision I was suddenly struck by the mechanics of this, I don't have much experience of air conditioning so I may be completely wrong, but this seems like the wrong way round. The temperature change of the glass takes a moment or two, that of the air is almost instant. So when I walk in from outside on a cold day the air cools against the glass and water condenses out of the air on to the glass, in the situation you are describing I would expect the cooler air to be warmed slightly by glass that had been outside in the heat, and dry out if anything, I can't imagine the glass cooling through from the front quickly enough that there would still be warm, damp, air trapped behind it to deposit moisture. But like I say this is only theoretical conjecture, we don't have that sort of climate and air conditioning.

PS, double N, double L, tunnelled.


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## Bloggsworth (Jul 18, 2011)

I agree about the first line, the poem should start at _On a balcony _or something stronger as_ On a balcony_ does sound a bit _Once upon a time_ 'ish.

I worry about the word *diddle* in relation to children, it can have sexual connotations:

verb _informal _

1 [_with object_] cheat or swindle (someone) so as to deprive them of something:_he thought he'd been *diddled out of* his change
_ 
deliberately falsify:_he diddled his income tax returns
_ 
2 [_no object_] _chiefly North American _pass  time  aimlessly or unproductively:_I felt sorry for her, *diddling around* in her room while her friends were  having  a good time
_ 
*3 [with object] vulgar slang , chiefly North American (of a man) have  sexual intercourse with. [originally in Scots dialect use in the sense ‘jerk from side to side’, apparently corresponding to dialect didder ‘tremble’]*


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 18, 2011)

Olly - I have no idea the science of it all! Ha, it might be wrong. I don't think it matters much. Also, I looked up "tunneled" vs. "tunnelled" and I haven't found any differences. Is one more proper than the other?

Bloggs - diddle was used with the sexual connotations in mind. I tried to interject a lot of subtle sexuality in this, so I'm glad you picked up on that.


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## Firemajic (Jul 18, 2011)

Wow....This was a lot to take in...and there was a lot going on...I had to read this several times to catch all the subtle and not so subtle nuances . This had for me a surreal feeling to it that I found intriguing .Great job on the edit. My favorite part was the boy with the shaved legs chasing the dog....I mean that was sooo unexpected.     Peace...Jul


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## Firemajic (Jul 18, 2011)

OH yeah---did I say that I loved this piece? Well I do!
  Peace...Jul


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## SilverMoon (Jul 18, 2011)

Glass: So admirable and inspiring, you exploring different genres of verse (you’re giving me ideas to branch out). I’ve read your piece and then Bishop’s several times and have found that you’ve picked up on her style, detailing truth, simplicity of language along with snippets of haunting imagery with Glassizms.

I do agree that “diddle” has a sexual connotation and that “fiddle” might be a better choice of word.

How I took to this immediately! Saw an Edward Hopper painting. The stark visualization had me right there as do his paintings. 

And your ending was right in tune with the whole of the poem.
_
Clapping hands!_  Yours, Laurie*


*


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 18, 2011)

fire - always, thank you for such kind words and your time reading, my friend.

sm - always appreciate your insightful analysis. I changed "squirm" to "coil". I think that image (and alliteration) is much more powerful. On "diddle", I'm not sure why the sexual connotation would be unwanted there. I think it makes it more varied and mysterious.


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