# A Breeze In Sunlight (900 words)



## SVenus (Sep 2, 2013)

*A Breeze In Sunlight (650 words) - Updated*

I changed most of the chapter and well, here it is. I'd love to hear what you think 


A BREEZE IN SUNLIGHT


​Little Clae couldn't possibly know why sunlight meant death. Something that seemed so beautiful when described but shrouded in mystery and danger. Her large eyes gleamed with curiosity as she looked up to the starry sky, wondering aloud, “Is it as pretty as the stars, mommy?”

Her mother, named Senya, sat on a thorntree chair and looked at a dozen different stones arranged in a neatly order on the table in front. She picked one and held it at eyelevel. After a swallow and a heavy breath she licked it and then grimaced as she spat at the grass. “What did you say, Clae?” Senya asked as she threw the licked stone in a bucket.

“Is it as pretty as the stars?”

Senya picked and licked a second and then a third stone, both ended up in the bucket “What is?”

“Sunlight, mommy.”

“The prettiness isn't worth the danger, Clae.” The fourth and the fifth joined the others.

Clae's sight turned from the stars to the stones in the bucket, another one went in with a thud. She didn't know whether to ask more questions or just stare at the stars, waiting for her mother to finish her work. The City of Aelus decided for her.

A loud tremor shook the ground and upset the faint breeze. In the distance, the three triangles of the Ashdome began emerging from the walls and creeping towards the great pillar where they woud connect. As they bit into the pillar's circular top Clae heard the sound she had come to expect, a hard touch that meant completion. 

The city was shielded and the grass valley of the flowing White Vys was calm again.

“Bedtime is comming, mommy.”

“I know,” Senya said. “You can go inside if you want to.”

The dome in the distance began shimmering. “Look, mommy. It's like a star!”

“Finally,” she said. She placed a single stone in a second empty bucket. “Now what did you want to–” The mother's eyes went wide and then sank. “Clae, go inside.”

“Bedtime?” Clae said. 

The dome stoped shimmering and both of them stood side by side, hand in hand. An utter moment of silence and then the dome collapsed. The sides grinded against each other as they fell. Clae screamed and cried and yanked her hand out of her mother's to cover her ears. The walls and everything between them crumbled to dust that spread across the valley. When the desolation was done the only thing that remained standing, alone in the pile of rubble, was the towering pillar.

Clae saw her mother crying as well. Senya formed some words but the grinding was still fresh in Clae's ears. Her mother collapsed to her knees and at the same moment the pillar succumbed and fell too. It cracked to pieces as it descended and most of them fell into the river, splashing the water to all sides and almost as close as Clae and her mommy.

The buzzing and grinding were gone and Clae knelt down and shook her mommy's shoulders. Through tears she said, “Mommy, mommy, wake up, it's bedtime.”

Senya gave no response but her weeping. 

A faint bundle of yellows and reds began peering below the horizon. Clae stood up and grabbed her mother's ankle. “Wake up.” She dragged and dragged but mommy was just too heavy. Sunlight slowly creeped through the grass, like a snake ready to attack. Clae gave all of her strength but Senya was barely an inch closer to the house. 

The yellow and red snake finally reached them and it bit fiercly. Clae felt one last tear roll down her check. She looked at her mother's face, at the stars still faintly visible above, at the ruined city and at the calmness of the river valley. Her tears dried instantly and like burning parchment her skin blackened and smoked and fell apart.

The breeze in the sunlight swept the ashes.







[spoiler2=Previous version]Little  Clae didn't possibly know why sunlight could kill. Something that  seemed so beautiful when described but shrouded in mystery and danger.  Her large eyes were gleaming with curiosity as she looked up to the  starry sky, wondering aloud, “Is it as pretty as the stars, mommy?”

Her  mother, named Senya, was sitting on a thorntree chair looking at a  dozen different stones arranged in a neatly order on the table in front.  She picked one, licked it and then made a grimace and spat at the  grass. “What did you say, Clae?” Senya asked as she threw the licked  stone in a bucket.

“Is it as pretty as the stars?”

Senya picked and licked a second and then a third stone, both ended up in the bucket “What is?”

“Sunlight, mommy.”

“As pretty as it'll kill you.” The fourth and the fifth joined the others.

Clae's  sight turned from the stars to the stones in the bucket, another one  went in with an audible thud. She didn't know whether to ask more  questions or just stare at the stars, waiting for her mother to finish  her work. She decided. “Why does it do that?”

“Eh, who knows,”  Senya said. “All I know is work is a plenty and money is here. Don't  worry about it, Clae. When you're six I'll let you taste the rocks and  then you'll feel the rays, or even sooner, if your father gets back  tomorrow.” Clae heard another spit, but a moment later there was no  thud.

“But I want to do it now!”

“It's night, honey, you  can't. Just be happy with the moonlight, it's as good as the real  thing.” Senya licked another stone and her eyes went wide. “Ah...  finally.” She threw it into a separate bucket, empty before the stone  went in. “I'll leave these few others for tomorrow.” She yawned and  rubbed her eyes. “Come Clae, it's bedtime, the sun will be almost up.”

Clae  stood up from the grass and Senya took her pale hand and led her into  the stone house. It was pitch black inside, as large as her eyes were  there was no light to pick upon. 

“Wait here,” Senya said.

Clae  obeyed and stood at the entrance for a moment, putting her fingers in  front of her face to see if she could see them. She giggled when she saw  her pinky and then immediately a candle went alit behind it. 

“Come, Clae. It's time to sleep.”

It  was still dark, for it was just one candle, but its light was spread  throughout the room and Clae saw all of it. Senya put the candle on a  table and picked her daughter up. She expertly made her way to their  bed, avoiding all possible pieces of furniture upon which she could stub  a toe. After putting Clae in bed Senya said, “There you go, I'll just  go blow the candle out and I'll be right here.” 

Clae nodded and  closed her eyes, thinking of the stars. She heard an expelled breath  nearby and the room went dark. A second later her mother entered the  bed.

“Mommy, how come you can be outside when it's day, but I can't?”

“Clae, we've had this conversation a thousand times.”

“But I don't understand.”

“I  eat the powder from the rocks, it protects me, but it doesn't last long  so we got to save them. And don't ask how they work because I just  don't know how, all I know is that you're too young for it. We've got to  make do here, okay? We don't have the domes of the rich people in the  cities. But the rocks are selling well and when your father gets back  we'll move to Regisum and you can spend all day in the streets.”

“But there's still no real light during the day there, right? Because of the thing in the sky.”

“Clae, I'm really tired. I just want to sleep... ah, crap, I forgot to close the door. Just stay in bed, I'll be right back.”

“Okay.”  Clae closed her eyes and sleep took over quickly, more quickly than she  expected. She didn't dream, or at least she didn't remember the dreams  when she woke up. She rubbed her eyes and looked to her right, Senya  wasn't in bed. “Mommy, where are you?” No response.

She got up  from bed and saw faint sunlight enter the room from the open door.  “Mommy?” she said again, standing in the shadows. A single stone was  lying in the sunlight that peered through the door, there was dried  blood on it. Behind it was a knocked over bucket and under it a pile of  ash, moment by moment swept slowly by the wind.

Sunlight, she  thought. It's so pretty. Her attention turned towards the stone at the  edge of the ashes. She giggled. I'll lick the stone! I'll lick it and  stand in sunlight!

She hurried towards it and and as her body  went from shadow to light she heard a man's voice say, “Clae, Senya. I'm  back.” Then again, but just “Clae.” And this time it was a scream.

It  was too late. Clae stood on the ashes in sunlight. She felt a tear roll  down her cheek. She looked at her hand again, in front of her face. 
Like burning parchment it started to blacken and smoke and fall apart. “Daddy?” she said. 

The breeze in the sunlight swept the ashes.[/spoiler2]




And, no, they're not vampires


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## Gavrushka (Sep 2, 2013)

I don't think you've given too much away, but you have used a barbed hook to snare the reader. Unanswered questions are a good way to lead the reader further into the book.

It's an enjoyable read. - For some reason, when Senya said 'Ah crap' it broke the spell a little and with it my immersion. - It seemed out of place.

It perhaps needs a little tidying here and there, but it is a great start. 

I was thinking it's more Science Fiction, and as to what they look like, I assumed pale humanoids.


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## escorial (Sep 2, 2013)

2nd time I've read it and I'm getting no mental Images but a desire to read more to capture my curiosity....


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## SVenus (Sep 2, 2013)

Gavrushka said:


> I don't think you've given too much away, but you have used a barbed hook to snare the reader. Unanswered questions are a good way to lead the reader further into the book.
> 
> It's an enjoyable read. - For some reason, when Senya said 'Ah crap' it broke the spell a little and with it my immersion. - It seemed out of place.
> 
> ...



Thanks, that was kind of my intention 

Yeah, I also felt a bit odd when I wrote the "Ah, crap." Think I'll replace it with damn or just remove it. I'm kind of trying to come up with something akin to "Thank God," and, "God damn it", that would fit a bit with the religions in the setting but everything I come up with just sound stupid to me. 

Yeah, pale humanoids But it's a fantasy setting. I tried to be a bit subtle with stuff like "thorntree chair", "stone house", "candle", and so on. Do you think I should make it a bit more specific that there is no technology?





escorial said:


> 2nd time I've read it and I'm getting no mental  Images but a desire to read more to capture my curiosity....



I'm note sure what you mean by this


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## Gavrushka (Sep 2, 2013)

I don't think you need to be explicit as to what genre of story it is, as this a mere 900 words, which is likely less than 1% of the total. - I am sure, in the pages to come, you will reveal more to the reader and the technology level will also become apparent.


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## escorial (Sep 2, 2013)

I would like to read more


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## SVenus (Sep 2, 2013)

Well, everything else is pretty unpolished but I might post something more later


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## escorial (Sep 2, 2013)

I myself like 1st drafts..


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## Kylekaotikk (Sep 3, 2013)

_This was a really nice short read! Would love to read some more._


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## Sintalion (Sep 3, 2013)

Alright, I'm going to go after the more technical aspects of the story, since I believe most of the general story has been covered by the other reviewers.  I absolutely think you've got a wonderful idea here that contains well thought out and interesting concepts, but the writing itself needs some work. 

First, I'll answer your questions without peeking at the comments section, and then I'll look.

*What would you say is the setting ? (fantasy, sci-fi)*
Honestly I  don't think you presented enough evidence for either. Aside  from getting  smoked at the end, there really isn't anything fantastical  or sci-fy  about it. Everything before it could easily be passed off as  a belief  system or nature (even the mention about sunlight being  toxic). I didn't  really feel like there _was _a setting. You've provided the reader with some pretty slim pickings in that department.


Peeking at the comments: "thorntree chair", "stone house", "candle" I read fantasy, but to me these aren't words that scream fantasy and most likely too subtle (used in conjunction with something else, they'd be fine). I just think of a time before electricity. That being said, it is just the beginning. As long as you're marketing the book as a fantasy, readers probably aren't going to notice. If you didn't tell them, they'd probably figure out that it's supernatural or fantastical after the ash incident. I absolutely wouldn't guess sci-fi, so I don't quite understand why fantasy,sci-fi were the options?

* Do you think too much was revealed about sunlight and the stones?*
No. The level of information was just fine, but it's presentation was less than stellar. 

Peeking at the comments: Nothing to address.

* How did you imagine Senya and Clae look like?*
Drows came to mind  first, then sun-allergic albinos in a Jonestown-like setting. I really  don't have any kind  of opinion on their physical appearance besides  assuming Clae is a girl  and Senya is most likely much taller/fuller,  being an adult woman. You mentioned pale hands once, and large eyes twice. 

Peeking at the comments: Based on your response that they're pale-skinned, I'm assuming you were aiming for us to have an idea of skin color/humanness (?) and not  attractiveness, hair color, or any unique feature belonging to the two  individuals.


****
That said, I'm not going to pick hard at your story now, because you said it's unpolished. 



*Her large eyes were gleaming with curiosity as she looked up to the  starry sky, wondering aloud,*
When you can, it may not be such a bad idea to cut your sentences. Give your sentence some action with "gleamed" as opposed to "were gleaming". I'm assuming the eyes are larger than normal eyes? But as a new reader, I'm just going to see this as large like how some people just describe eyes as large or beady or tiny slits. Your second use was much nicer.

*was sitting on a thorntree chair looking at a  dozen different stones arranged in a neatly order on the table in front*
Same as above. Sat vs was sitting. 
Is the chair looking or is she? She's sitting and looking, so you really need the and.

* She picked one, licked it and then made a grimace and spat at the  grass.*
Four verbs is a lot for one sentence. I'd consider breaking it into two, and adding a little detail. Everything you've said to here is very general. 

*“As pretty as it'll kill you."*
I've read this a dozen times and said it aloud another half dozen, and it just doesn't make sense. I can see the intention, but it's not a good example. "it'll kill you" isn't really a descriptor. Plus, this kid is alive. They can't really compare prettiness to it'll kill you. 

As pretty as...
A button
A tea kettle
Moonlight
plaid tights

"Prettier than" or "So pretty" may be better terms. Either way, I think there's a much better way to phrase this.

*She decided.*
No need for this sentence. 

*When you're six I'll let you taste the rocks and  then you'll feel the rays, or even sooner, if your father gets back  tomorrow.*
This reads a little confusing. Generally when people frame things in age, they mean that there's at least a week/month/year to go. Is the birthday tomorrow? In a week? As a reader  Isee "when you're six" and I think they're four or five or maybe five and a half. But then dad's coming home tomorrow. Tomorrow is very short-term. I think you're missing a key word or two to unite these two thoughts.


*And don't ask how they work because I just  don't know how, *
This makes it read like an explanation to the reader more than to the kid. Obviously the kid asks the same stuff over and over and mom's trying to prevent that, but mostly I got the impression it was that the writer didn't feel like explaining it here.  

*“Clae, Senya. I'm  back.”*
It's bedtime. Why would he tell the one who came come into the sunlight that he's back?


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## SVenus (Sep 3, 2013)

Sintalion said:


> Alright, I'm going to go after the more technical aspects of the story, since I believe most of the general story has been covered by the other reviewers.  I absolutely think you've got a wonderful idea here that contains well thought out and interesting concepts, but the writing itself needs some work.
> 
> First, I'll answer your questions without peeking at the comments section, and then I'll look.
> 
> ...



Lots of thanks This is the type of post I was really looking for


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## dst62 (Sep 8, 2013)

well they've covered it all. I think it was a good story but didn't understand about the sun and why it made them ashes. otherwise good.


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## Gavrushka (Sep 9, 2013)

dst62 said:


> well they've covered it all. I think it was a good story but didn't understand about the sun and why it made them ashes. otherwise good.



This, I would imagine, was the writer's intent. - For me, this was the hook that would drag me further into the book. - 900 words is not enough for most readers to feel confident they want to read on, but an unanswered question will help maintain interest.


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## TheoMiller (Oct 4, 2013)

> Little Clae didn't possibly know why sunlight could kill


I think you meant "couldn't possibly".


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## SVenus (Oct 5, 2013)

I tried that one too but it sounded awkward because of the two "coulds". I don't see anything wrong with "didn't".


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## Folcro (Oct 6, 2013)

*Audible thud. *"Audible" is redundant.

*Clae heard another spit, but a moment later there was no thud. *I would strike "a moment later." Makes the sentence more fluid and the reader will still know what you mean.

*Empty before the stone went in.* Similar to the last suggestion: just say "into a seperate, empty bucket." We can deduce that the bucket is no longer empty after the stone has gone in. You're describing things overall just fine--- no need for a fine writer like you to over-describe.
*
“I  eat the powder from the rocks, it protects me, but it doesn't last  long  so we got to save them. And don't ask how they work because I just   don't know how, all I know is that you're too young for it. We've got  to  make do here, okay? We don't have the domes of the rich people in  the  cities. But the rocks are selling well and when your father gets  back  we'll move to Regisum and you can spend all day in the streets.”* Expository dialogue is fine if you can mask it well. This is just a bit too much. We don't need to know all this to understand the story. I would have it read: "I told you a thousand times that I don't know how the rocks work." It will sound like the more natural response for a mother who had, in fact, had this conversation many times. Also, the reader does not need much more information to go a bit further in the story. At least, that is my opinion.

I would strike *No response *after Clae's call.

I like the "not vampires" disclaimer. Bad case of photo-sensitivity??

At any rate, a fine piece minus a few small issues. A good hook involving a small child. Of my more macro criticisms, I would focus on making this more personal. Get into the girl's mind, her relationship with her mother. When you describe the house (pitch black), use that to talk about the girl's personal attachment to the house, or perhaps a deep restlessness toward the lack of sunlight. It could be a great opportunity to set a theme for the reader regarding the importance of true sunlight to candles.


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## TheoMiller (Oct 6, 2013)

Well, "didn't possibly" doesn't work because it doesn't make sense.


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## SVenus (Oct 15, 2013)

Thanks for advice Folcro, but I ended up reworking practically the entirety of the chapter.  
Posted it at OP.


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## SVenus (Oct 25, 2013)

Bump I want to hear some opinion before I continue with that please. The first page is updated.


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## TheLamprey (Oct 25, 2013)

I would like to read more and see it develop. I am moot as to my opinion at this time


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## connectthedots (Oct 28, 2013)

I think this is a really interesting concept and I'd like to read more. I think it's a little too soon for me to say much more than it gripped me though. I cared about the character but I think it would work stronger if you seeded other story elements into it. For example, was the roof collapse natural or malicious? If it was natural, something of that scale happening overnight is hard to buy; did anyone have an idea if it would happen and, if so, was that information known by the general populace? If they were kept in the dark, what does that say about society as a whole? If they were kept informed, how does this affect the mother's interactions with her daughter? I'm probably overthinking it based on a small part, but I've always found that when you start off with a cataclysm or disaster you want to know more about the characters and their situation than I think I got. As I said though it's really interesting and unique and there's a lot of potential.


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## SVenus (Oct 28, 2013)

Well, I think I implied it wasn't something that was supposed to happen. But I want to keep it in dark for now, it's a major plot point. I kind of have a dilemma between keeping it short like that (because I hate nothing more than a 10000 word exposition-filled opener) or making it longer by having some more character moments.


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## connectthedots (Oct 28, 2013)

I'd say find the medium. I'll agree that it's a bad idea to make it too exposition heavy, but the more you flesh out the characters early on the more tragic the roof collapse will be. Even if you just expand the events to a couple of hours before an establish a daily routine for the characters before the roof collapse.


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## Tan (Nov 2, 2013)

i think you should set up the environment up a bit more and describe what the chars look like. It was a nice short read and it was interesting. one thing I noticed, you used "Check" when you meant to say "Cheek". I thought they were vampires with the mention of sunlight being fatal...


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## SVenus (Nov 3, 2013)

You're right, it's cheek  Nah, not vampires.

As for describing the environment and characters some more, I don't think I should waste words for something that isn't gonna appear again. I don't know, I guess it just seems like a waste.


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## Tbird0000 (Nov 15, 2013)

I agree with escoriel on this one. I didnt really get any mental images as to what I was reading. With short but direct decriptive passages, I think it could work out. I think what you were getting at was a protective layer of rock over a village? I can understand the sun is deadly and I do like where this could go, but needs a little polishing. It pulled me in just enough to read more when it was mentioned the sun being deadly. The licking of the rocks didnt make sense to me just yet, but of course, you havent explained it yet. So I can wait to see what the reason it. What is the importance of the pillar? I didnt get it. Alot of unanswered questions but theres hope at the end of the day  The red and yellow snake, I actually thought it was a snake. I didnt quite understand it was sunlight enveloping the area.


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## SVenus (Nov 16, 2013)

No, it wasn't a real snake 

I can't really think of a better opener for the story and I don't wanna make the beginning exposition heavy, so I guess I'll have to stick to this. I'm trying to make a better description of the city, but again, it's look won't be important further on. Kind of a dilemma. 

The point of the pillar is to support the dome at it's center.


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