# Scores: April 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Apr 30, 2022)

It's scores time! This was a close one...


TitlePrairieHostageNon ServiamVrangerAverageSniper by TerraLiga17.51418.516⅔​*1*Sticky Hands by SueC1813.518.516⅔​*1*The Debt by SJ Ward1915.51516½​*3*The Sunshine Prayer by Megan Pearson14161715⅔​Cargo 200 by CyberWar121315.513½​The Train to Poland by piperofyork1214.51714½​Untitled by Biograph198581616.513½​The President's Nightmare by Lawless12171514⅔​

So, we have a tie!

1st: Sniper _by TerraLiga_
1st: Sticky Hands _by SueC_
3rd: The Debt_ by SJ Ward_

Congratulations to our winners, and many thanks to our trio of judges. Here are their comments...



Spoiler: PrairieHostage scores



Author/Title: TerraLiga/Sniper

Review - First Person, present tense is an excellent choice for a soldier in a trench. I love he's a farmer. Purity of making things live and not in this life for capitalism. I also adore the closing, pink & white orchid trees streaming like confetti in the wake of an escaping army jeep. That conjures a vivid image! Such a soft and pretty image after the grey dark of ruined building and craters. High scores for tone and voice and sensory detail. Only thing I might have preferred to see is his struggle to get out of that damn trench especially because he couldn't run at first.

SPaG 4
The piece is correctly punctuated with the exception of an uneccessary comma and a couple uneccessary words (2nd para I keep before _*of*_ me and last para I left _*to*_ behind). A weasel phrase in *there is* screaming & shouting from my squad. Bottom of para 8, could lose *is managing to*.

T&V 5
Tone and voice are very much a strength in this piece. The personality and mood of the soldier from a simple life is felt. He doesn't want to kill.

Evaluation 3.5
All of the elements--SPaG, tone & voice work together in concert in this harmonious piece. The story starts in the right place and the conclusion follows. The prompt we all know - he was drafted. The narrative arc could be strengthened. Perhaps the soldier struggled a bit harder to find the courage to leave the trench & crawl for circulation before he could run. GUTS! Similarly chracter development could show fear to courage, love to hate, or even survivor guilt. This would only require tiny subtext in internal dialogue. The story's internal consistency and structure is already there.

Reaction 5
This story touched me because I have a soft spot for those who work the land. They make things live whereas war makes things die. My opinion of this piece is it's got good sensory detail and present tense made me feel I was there with him. I was drawn in and felt concern for this poor guy. Well done.

Overall 17.5

***

Author/Title: SueC/Sticky Hands

Review - Third Person, present tense works for this story because it describes things from more than one point of view. Father brings small daughter to the train station and he remains to fight. Excellent use of subtext in the scene where Sofi giggles at dad's bobbing backpack and hand hearts him goodbye. Lots of sensory detail and the tone is aptly emotional. The sock a lump atop her brown shoe is super cute. Bloom like a dark evil weed in her heart - very good. Only thing I might have preferred to see is the stereotype phrase _*fading light of day*_ replaced with something original.

SPaG: 5
The piece is correctly punctuated. All sentence structure is fine.

T&V: 5
Tone and voice are strong in this piece. The personality and mood of the father is deeply felt. He doesn't want to part with his beloved.

Evaluation: 4
All of the elements--SPaG, tone & voice work together in concert in this harmonious piece. The story starts in the right place and the conclusion follows. The prompt we all know - Russian invasion. The narrative arc and chracter development showed sacrificial stoicism for the sake of a small child. Having just lost his wife, he stepped up to the challenge. Beautiful subtext in para where Sofi giggles.The story's internal consistency and structure works. Only place I noticed is _*words tumbling out of his mouth*_ is incongruous with the little bit he's actually able to say to Sofi.

Reaction 4
This story was touching, its parental angst beautifully drawn. My opinion of this piece is it's got good sensory detail and use of subtext. I was drawn in and felt concern for this father. I would have given full marks but I felt the top and bottom paras about the omniscient observer telling the truth were uneccessary.

Overall 18

***

Author/Title: SJ Ward/The Debt

Review - a delightfully original story about the conversation between an elderly affluential couple living in Poland. It's refreshing to read something from the perspective of Polish folks who lived through WWII and consequent Russian invasion & occupation. The couple's conversation artfully ends with a truth about Poldek's past. I love how you preface with *played her trump card*. Lots of sweet similes about Poldek's skin, age, books & house. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

SPaG: 4
The piece is correctly punctuated. All sentence structure is fine. 2nd para *yesterday he’d been sat in his library* bumped me out of the story. Could lose the word *been*? I know you were intentionally vague at the end of para 2 with *and pondered something important*, but I think *pondered his mission* creates better internal consistency. 3rd para Zofia had watched the news while Poldek *hid* in his books? Seems a better flow to next sentence about withdrawing from a heartless world.

T&V: 5
Tone and voice are strong in this piece. The personality and mood of Poldek is felt, mostly through dialogue. He wants to remain comfortable, but is convinced to repay a debt. Zofia and Poldek have distinct voices. Only addition that may be interesting is a clue on what makes Poldek so fearful. He's lost a tremendous amount (likely his whole Jewish family) and mass executions by Russians was atrocious. (Katyn Forest massacre). It could be subtle, nothing on-the-nose.

Evaluation: 5
All of the elements--SPaG, tone & voice work together in concert in this harmonious piece. The story starts in the right place and the conclusion follows. The prompt we all know - displaced millions. The narrative arc and chracter development show movement from comfort to sacrifice. Having gone through WWII and Russian occupation, it takes guts to step outside of his comfort zone, especially at his age. Nice subtext for the love in this couple - is there anything sweeter? The story's internal consistency and structure works. I wonder if most readers remember Schindler's first name was Oskar? Full marks for originality and writing.

Reaction 5
This story is precious and I think you should submit to magazines. My reaction is very strong since I love Polish people and the elderly. I was drawn in and felt concern for Poldek. I am particularly enamored with a 90-something year old character who still grows and responds to what life brings him. Please let us know when you publish this beauty!

Overall 19

***

Author/Title: Megan Pearson/The Sunshine Prayer

Review - a story told from a girl's pov about leaving Ukraine on the train. Her mother brings their cursing elderly neighbor who teaches the girl a song. Very nice footnote at the end that reveals the song was also sung by Russian children. A unique angle to the Ukraine story, millions of Russians have suffered under Putin's, and before that, Stalin's dictatorships.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar, and formatting are all fine.

T&V: 3
It would have been fun to read Mrs. Ivashcenko cursing in dialogue vs narration. The personality and mood of the piece is serviceable, but not as emotional as other entries. Children are often sheltered from the horror of war, as little Bronya was. Still, there are some missed opportunities from a child's perspective. Bronya might have wanted to retrieve Papa's picture or missed Momma when she _tended to them all_.

Evaluation: 3
The story illustrates the plight of a family torn apart in the Russian invasion. I couldn't feel a child's voice or the emotion of the piece, so I felt a bit detached. There are a few missed opportunities that could be maximized for emotion.

Para 7 felt slightly out of place. They're being bombed yet soldiers come to their house after Papa'a already left weeks ago. I wasn't sure if they came to say he died? Anna simply says _*they're expecting a long engagement*_ so I didn't know.

The story starts in the right place but could have been strengthened vis a vis Anna helping Bronya understand what's happening in a creative way. Maybe she invents imaginary things (Life is Beautiful film). This was a missed opportunity to show Anna'a character development. She's a maternity ward nurse protecting her child and then chooses to remain to provide care to the wounded. Hard to show through a child's eyes, but Bronya could have cried come with me - the babies don't need you, followed by a moment when Anna scans the subway of wounded.

Reaction: 3
Suffering is in Russia's DNA from a series of dictators, purges, kleptocracy and murders. Incredibly high rates of alcoholism for decades. The story touched me when reading that footnote, reminding us Russia also suffers. My opinion of this piece is it can be elevated from fair to great with a stronger child's voice, stronger illustration of parental sacrifice, Ivashcenko swearing in dialogue and Bronya's reaction to Mama staying behind.

Overall: 14

***

Author/Title: CyberWar/Cargo 200

Review - this story features several low ranking Russian soldiers who rape and terrorize women in a Ukrainian village. They see trucks marked 200 roll by and ponder whether they'll return to their homeland dead or, at all. _*Leaving Ukraine*_ may prove problematic for these Russian soldiers. Told from third person limited to a view to Fyodor's mind, the story's strength is in subtext.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar, and formatting is fine.

T&V 3
Tone and Voice is dismal, but it's also one note. Nary a nuance to be found in these sorry specimens. The only relief is Fyodor's reflection about abuse in their army, their lives of petty crime, time in juvie, and the poverty they live in. The rest of the characters form a unified ugly banter. While the actions of rape and killing children are in fact inhuman, the story paints every male character as inhuman.

Evaluation: 2
Prompt of Russian invasion is evident and the conclusion follows in that one of the soldier's questions whether even their bodies will make it back to Russia. Narrative arc is sound. If I evaluate the story's internal consistency and structure, I'd say it's a story of hopelessness for these souls who had no hope to begin with, were sent to invade innocent people in another country, then behaved like criminals without honor, and fully expected to die dishonorably. Character arc seems absent. Even these sorry sods deserve a few layers to their character.

Reaction 2
The story doesn't make me feel because not one man's inner dialogue, actions, or dialogue illuminates how he feels about what's going on around him. Without that complexity, the story reads like war porn. Fyodor's realistic appraisal of things at the end doesn't tell me how he feels about the horror around him.

Overall: 12

***

Author/Title: Anon/The Train to Poland

Review - A family hiding in a cellar as told first person, present tense from a child who has ADHD. He's run out of medication and it's very challenging to keep him calm and under control while they're being bombed. Interesting complication for a family during invasion. Nice subtlety at the end where the dog is let go for fear Nykolai will chase after it again.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar are all fine. So is formatting. No typos or incorrect constructions. No stylistic wobbles or tense changes.

T&V: 3
Tone and Voice are of course innocent and simple as viewed from a child's perspective. The personality and mood of it is sweet but sad. The piece reads slightly flat to me because the myriad of observances this child has are cute (poles, staring contest) but didn't reach me at an adult level.

Evaluation: 2
I couldn't grasp the narrative or character arc. I'm not sure the story starts in the right place. First para it seems the child is on a train and then he remembers a bunch of things that happened in past and then in the conclusion he's in a cellar hiding and being bombed. I think there are some issues with the story's internal consistency and structure. We can tell a story through a child's eyes, but story telling structure need not be sacrificed.

Reaction: 2
I feel bad but I didn't connect to this as a reader.

Overall: 12

***

Author/Title: biograph1985/untitled

Review - a story about a woman who hides in a bunker underneath her basement. She hears noises above and investigates. Nice ending which strongly hints her time is over and she will therefore not be "leaving Ukraine"

SPaG: 2
Spelling is fine. Punctuation: missing comma in first para after 1962 and uneccessary ones in 2nd para after _food is running low_ and _fight_.
No typos.
Grammar is awkward in several places where sentence construction could be changed to active vs passive for greater effect. Dishes and crockery rattle no worse than if Alina lived near train tracks.
Several uneccessary words.
2nd para _at this point_ is redundant. So is _there will be time_
3rd para doesn't need the word _possibly_ or weasel word _had_ or _at this point_
4th para _has_ a child instead of _does hav_e a child
10th para the tension is overwhelming (remove _almost_) but better prose can describe the subtext of tension.
All of the fifth last para needs revision.
For some twenty minutes (remove _some_)

Tense changes from present to past and then present again.

T&V: 2
Tone and Voice has missed opportunities. _She can’t quite pick up on what they’re saying, but she hears a shot, more muffled sounds, then silence. _Personality and mood would be more strongly conveyed with punctuation. She strains to hear what they're saying. A shot. Muffled sounds. Silence.
The suspense would pop with better word choices. Freeze or paralyzes instead of _doesn't move_. _But she finds that she has one foot on the bottom step of the ladder with her body ready to ascend_. Try *she's surprised one foot is already on the bottom rung of the ladder, her body poised. Ready to ascend*.
_She couldn’t know just how numb her mind is at this moment_ is awkward & needs revision to convey her state._ At this moment_ .. _at this point_ are weasel phrases, unnecessary and take away the story's momentum.
If someone is up *there*, not _here .._ Alina's pov
There's more but you get the gist.

Evaluation: 2
This piece suffers from missed opportunities to build suspense or illustrate narrative and character arcs. Climbing that ladder, Alina would have considered her husband or her grumbling belly. Not sure uncertainty is a fate worse than death? Humans have a primal instinct to survive, even in war time. Alina needs to be written as starving or waiting down there for too long. Uneccessary words and phrases also derail the suspense. This piece will be made much stronger by editing and maximizing opportunities with punctuation, word choice, and elimination of words or phrases.

Reaction: 2
I was frustrated reading this. It read as though it was written in one go, without a second glance. Revision is writing. None of us blast out a perfect story on first go.

Overall: 8

***

Author/Title: Anon/The President's Nightmare

Review: Putin is bonked on the head by a sculpture and has a nightmare while knocked out. He sees his mother clutching her dead baby, 10 years before his own birth. Once awake, he wonders how he let things get so far (stealing from his own countrymen, imprisoning and murdering oponents & invading Ukraine) and he reflects his only desire was to prevent Nazis from ever harming his homeland again. He agrees to flee with his lover.

SPaG: 5
Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and formatting are all fine.

T&V: 3
It's impossible for me to buy the premise that Putin's only drive was to protect his homeland from Nazis. The eveyone-got-a-mama trope did not convince me of pure intentions that somehow went awry. He always wanted to resurrect the old Soviet empire and discredit the west, irregardless of Nazis in WWII. It's always been naked power and greed for this murderous kleptocrat. He's a product of Stalin who killed *millions* more Russian and Ukrainian folks than Nazis ever did. Stalin sacrificed 11 million Russian soldiers. Tone and voice, personality and mood fall flat because there doesn't seem enuf substance in the story. It comes off as two selfish people positioning for their own safety, while millions suffer a stilted global economy and displacement, not to mention needless death.

Evaluation: 2
The narrative and character arc didn't fit the theme of this month Leaving Ukraine. This story is about Putin and his latest squeeze Leaving Russia. The choice to write a story from Putin's perspective is interesting, but it's execution didn't resonate with me as compelling. This take would be seen as extremely insulting so careful where you share it.

Reaction 2
This is the 2nd entry told from Russian perspective and although I really love that choice, I'm sad to say I don't react positively. I was waiting for the gymnast to poison him with her tea. Poison would be a fitting death since he's poisoned so many.

Overall: 12





Spoiler: Non Serviam scores



Sniper -- TerraLiga

Early in the piece there's ambiguity about whether the only character is Ukrainian or Russian, and it resolves to Russian, which I thought was unexpected. A competently-written piece, it has an interesting sequence: begins in the middle, tells us what happened earlier and then resolves to a small Russian defeat.

SPaG 4
T&V 4
Evaluation 3
Reaction 3

OVERALL 14

Sticky Hands -- SueC

I think this is the first time I've ever read a story written in first person omniscient, and I was surprised how well it worked. I felt the piece didn't stay perfectly in present tense ("There lay a broken doll" --> "There lies a broken doll"; "They'd been walking for hours" --> "They've been walking for hours") and I was distracted by some odd dialogue formatting.

SPaG 2
T&V 3
Evaluation 5
Reaction 3.5

OVERALL 13.5

The Debt -- SJ Ward

I was distracted from the story by an unexpected use of commas in first sentence, and by phrases like "he'd been sat". But it's a solidly crafted piece, and I appreciated its structure. It builds up to its ending, which is hard to do when you only have 650 words. If it had another editing pass I'd have scored it well into my top three.

SPaG 3
T&V 4
Evaluation 4
Reaction 4.5

OVERALL 15.5

The Sunshine Prayer -- Megan Pearson

I am, at heart, a thoroughly evil man, so I marked you down on SPaG for one (1) failure to capitalize "Momma". Despite this I still enjoyed this. Good, economical use of language is the key to these 650-word challenges, and you've got it down pat: for example, with "Dust fell; we coughed," in context that's four words that paint a picture.

SPaG 3.5
T&V 4
Evaluation 4
Reaction 4.5

OVERALL 16

Cargo 200 -- CyberWar

Yup, that's definitely mature content. Good spelling and grammar, good tone, but raw, brutal, dark, and about as subtle as an eight inch howitzer. Went too far for me.

SPaG 4
T&V 4
Evaluation 3
Reaction 2

OVERALL 13

The Train to Poland -- Anon

Clearly well-researched and carefully designed, but for me this piece suffers a little from a distracting use of italics and an unexpected font change. There's really too much text emphasis, including one place where you use all-caps, italics and an exclamation mark all at the same time. I did enjoy the unreliable narrator, which is hard to do well in 650 words and you managed it.

SPaG 3
T&V 3
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4

OVERALL 14.5

Untitled -- Biograph1985

Wants to be in present tense, but partly isn't (e.g. in the third paragraph). Why the double question marks? But nicely crafted and with the right amount of dark for me.

SPaG 3
T&V 4
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5

OVERALL 16

The President's Nightmare -- Anon

Unexpected, but appropriate, choice to write from Putin's POV. Uses the irony of the historical context well. You wisely tell your story in dialogue, which is an excellent way to pack a lot of plot and characterization into a small word count. And I can see that you've taken the time to do that one, crucial extra editing pass. This is my pick for best submission.

SPaG 4
T&V 4
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5

OVERALL 17





Spoiler: Vranger scores



*Sniper - TerraLiga*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5

*Total 18.5*

Well written and immersive.

*Sticky Hands - SueC*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

Certainly a common and sad scene these last several weeks, for those lucky enough to live to get to that place.

*The Debt - S J Ward*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15*

Too many SPaG issues early on held this back a bit. You just needed to edit it more carefully, SJ. Several punctuation errors and one loose verb tense. The story certainly promotes a caring and helpful sentiment.

*The SunShine Prayer - Megan Pearson*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0

*Total 17*

All these pieces are moving and powerful. Here there were some capitalization issues on Momma and Papa and a couple of punctuation glitches IIRC.

*Cargo - CyberWar*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5

*Total 15.5*

A couple of punctuation and capitalization errors. This story certainly went to the other side … the very ugly side as was intended, and I’m sure we can feel with certainty, accurate.

*The Train to Poland - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0

*Total 17.0*

Each story more heartbreaking than the last … and these are only character, not the people living the tragedies. There is a bit of disconnect where it appears the mother found the puppy, but then the puppy is missing.

*no title - biograph1985*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0

*Total 16.5*

A comma splice is the ding on SPaG. The story is tense, but intentionally chopped off at the end. Probably for the best. I’m not sure about Alina’s decision to come out of her bunker, though.

*The President’s Nightmare - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.5

*Total 15*

An odd flight of fancy, though interesting. A few punctuation issues held back SPaG. For the other scores, this take on the subject just didn’t move me as some others did.


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## piperofyork (Apr 30, 2022)

Very well done to the winners, and thank you as always to Harper for hosting, and to the judges for all of their work!


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## TerraLiga (May 1, 2022)

Blimey! That was tight and I'm so grateful for the readers and judges. I enjoyed reading the contributions to this one.

Thank you!


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## SueC (May 1, 2022)

So honored - good job everyone. And a big thank you to the judges and of course, Harper, always a star!


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## Foxee (May 1, 2022)

WTG, LM people! To haul through a challenge like this during another major holiday is no mean feat. Great job all and congrats to the winners!


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