# Betrayal



## LostInIllusions (Aug 23, 2013)

“I love you.” he breathed, his breath tickling her ear. He kissed a trail of kisses from the side of her neck, making his way up to her lips. “I love you so much.”


	“I love you too.” She whispered back. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of him pressed up against her. She needed nothing else but to be close to him. He was her everything. Their relationship was the realest and truest thing she had ever known. This is the first time she had ever felt this way, the first time she actually believed love was possible.


He lay there silently, watching a small smile play on her lips as she closed her eyes. He searched her whole face, looking for one flaw. Nothing. She was perfect. Never had she done anything to him to make him think otherwise. 


He looked away, the guilt eating him alive. If only she knew. He didn’t deserve a girl like her. He was bad, while she on the other hand, was good. She’d rather die than betray the people she loves. He hated himself. He hated how he could do this to her. He needed to tell her. But not yet. He just wanted one last day to be with her, for her to love him… Then he’d tell her.




						***


She stared him directly in the eyes, searching them for even the slightest hint of a lie. None. He was speaking the total truth. He had betrayed her. She backed away from him, as her heart shattered into pieces and reality crashed down around her. She could literally feel the pain in her chest. She looked around her, hoping this was just an illusion. This couldn’t be real. _Please_, she begged over and over again inside her head, _please let this be a dream_.


He caught her arm and pulled her into him, hugging her. She shook with sadness, she wanted so badly to just hug him back, but she knew that she couldn’t feel this way anymore. She didn’t want to feel the pain. She knew that being in his arms would give her the fantasy of being with him again, as if nothing happened. She couldn’t allow herself to believe such a lie. 


	She shoved him away yelling at him not to touch her. Memories flooded through her head, them kissing, hugging, holding hands, making love, etc… She shook her head. She couldn’t believe how he could do this to her. The boy who cried when she cried. The boy who could never hurt her. Tears streamed down her face. 


Her whole body shook, muscles twitching. She couldn’t stop shaking her head, couldn’t stop crying. She stood there stunned, looking anywhere but at his eyes, as he explained himself to her. She searched her head for every excuse, but there wasn’t one. He had cheated on her and that was that. 


He asked for one last kiss, one last hug. It turned into several more…. She allowed herself these last moments with him before she broke down sobbing. This is the only thing she had ever wanted, and it’s being taken away from her. She blamed herself. She thought of every little thing she could have done differently to make him love her more. Although he called her perfect, she knew she wasn’t, because who would cheat on a perfect girl? 


	So this girl, from then on she told herself lies. She told herself that she was meant to be alone in this world. Even though she forgave the boy who stole her heart, never would she allow herself to believe in something so much anymore. She expected the worst. She told herself that if you expect the worst, then only good can happen. But if you expect good things, you will only get let down.


	Now that nice girl now only exists in the eyes of other people. But what they don’t see is that her heart has darkened and is damaged beyond repair. Out of pain a new girl was born, one who took her place.


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## BobtailCon (Aug 23, 2013)

This isn't bad. My suggestion would be to take out the "etc...". Takes away from the feeling of the story.


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## Oddball (Aug 23, 2013)

This is very well done! The story is extremely well versed & has a very nice & snappy transition, which is ideal in this sense.


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## BobtailCon (Aug 23, 2013)

Forgot to add; I was thinking the betrayal was him working for assassins or some secret creed, and his target was her. Maybe I should take a break from the Fantasy Section


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## LostInIllusions (Aug 23, 2013)

Hahahaha oh gosh xD Yeah maybe you should take a break from that ;P


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## enchantedsecret24 (Aug 23, 2013)

I agree that taking out the etc...would make it flow much better. Besides that I love this little story! Honestly I was expecting him to tell her that he was, I don't know, a vampire or something. I guess with all of the YA vampire stuff these days I just assume that every story I read will have vampires in it. haha This is a great story, you should expand on it, I think it could really be something beautiful! Wait, no, it is beautiful already. I mean it could be something even MORE beautiful...


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## Jeko (Aug 23, 2013)

This reads with a good tone and a raw sense of romance. It begins well; there's a sense of hyperbole to the relationship, a nice microcosm, and the characters are clearly laid out.

I think this:

_Their relationship was the realest and truest thing she had ever known.
_
is unnecessary and draws out the effect of the 'he was her everything' (a nice little sentence, full of punch).

The story changes tense at one point:

_This is the first time she had ever felt this way, the first time she actually believed love was possible.

_It should probably be 'This was' or 'It was'. 'Had ever felt this way' are only words for emphasis and don't add anything, so they can probably go.

The third paragraph appears to change perspective, and it loses the sense of the girl evolving in the reader's head. Beyond that the story never recovers its directness.

Overall I felt the whole piece grew into a diluted commentary of the events that were taking place. Rather than being inside the scene, the narration sits outside it. I enjoyed the lack of names - it gave the story a sense of possibility - but I couldn't connect with the characters. Apart from the first few lines, I felt no-where near the characters.

I would work on getting the reader inside the scene - inside a character, unless you're using omniscient - and keeping them there. The story will be realised in a far stronger way.

Hope this helps,
Cadence


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## distorter (Aug 26, 2013)

I'll echo what "Cadence" alludes to- third person omniscient is too distant a narration for a piece like this. In my opinion, you ought to employ a third person limited narration, or even first person. 

Outside of that, you know how to write. You're good at it. There are a few tiny errors I'd correct: 

The first one would be the shift in tense, as "Cadence" points out... others have to do with simple sentence errors like _"So this girl, from then on she told herself lies."_ -it's awkward. You don't need _"So this girl"_

This is another: _"Memories flooded through her head, them kissing, hugging, holding hands, making love, etc…"_ Use a hyphen after the word _"head"_ because you're defining the memories. Also, the use of the word _"etc."_ spoils the intimacy of the sentence. 

Anyway, there are a few lines like these, but nothing that can't be realized with a second look. 

Nice work!


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## Sintalion (Aug 26, 2013)

"She could literally feel the pain in her chest."
For me, this was the weakest link. Obviously you do feel literal pain in your chest, but the way it's written takes away so much of the beauty of the piece. After that I didn't feel much connection to the characters. They were there, but as Cadence said, at  a distance. 

The use of all the he/she really emphasizes that this is about the characters, but in the second half there were so many She's that the magic of the narrative disappeared. You pick up steam again at the end. It's a nice piece, but overall it felt as though the characters were missing.


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## LostInIllusions (Aug 27, 2013)

Thanks, everyone.


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## Qetris (Sep 10, 2013)

This story has interesting characters and a compelling storyline.  I felt quite a bit of empathy for the girl, and I'm curious to learn a little more about the characters' situations.  For me, what lessened the impact of the story is some of the narration.  For example, I'd cut "her heart shattered into pieces", as I feel like this phrase is somewhat overused.  You don't need the "sadness" in "she shook with sadness", as we already understand she is sad from previous description.  Other than that, an impressive story with a lot to offer


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## Badhorses Mare (Jan 3, 2014)

You captured the pain very well  especially here:
"He asked for one last kiss, one last hug. It turned into several more….  She allowed herself these last moments with him before she broke down  sobbing. This is the only thing she had ever wanted, and it’s being  taken away from her. She blamed herself. She thought of every little  thing she could have done differently to make him love her more.  Although he called her perfect, she knew she wasn’t, because who would  cheat on a perfect girl?"
It may be simple but most things in life truly are.
 He asked for one last kiss, one last hug. It turned into several more….  She allowed herself these last moments with him before she broke down  sobbing. This is the only thing she had ever wanted, and it’s being  taken away from her. She blamed herself. She thought of every little  thing she could have done differently to make him love her more.  Although he called her perfect, she knew she wasn’t, because who would  cheat on a perfect girl?

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry,  Thats like the second time it's happened to me today!


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## hemingway102 (Jan 21, 2014)

Fine. A little short and undefined plot. I guess that's probably the way you meant it to be. You edged on te theme of insecurity because of the betrayal and it would be nice if you followed up on that.


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## ToBeInspired (Jan 22, 2014)

I liked it. When I can visualize myself in a role I tend to be more willing to continue with a story. To me romanticism is another form of art, it takes creativity and thought. A shade of beauty, it has the ability to flow with the right words. When it ends, however, it can be distressing. From pain comes strength if we only allow ourselves to heal first. To love and lost or to never loved at all? At least one of them offers another opportunity.

Keep up the writing.


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## Crossfire (Jan 30, 2014)

Very well done.  Great emotion and you're fabulous at the physical intimacy in the first part.  

I guess my only suggestion (not that you need it) might be to expand on that last paragraph.  As strange as it sounds, I think your real story is there.  I'd love to see you delve into it and show us how a tender heart dies.  Maybe I'm twisted, but I want to watch as this sweet woman is replaced by the jaded doppleganger with the broken dreams and empty eyes. 

In other words, "Encore, ma cherie!"


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## MrsC (Feb 4, 2014)

I enjoyed this little read and having been there myself could relate to the female character. The emotion conveyed was spot on. 


However, for me I would've enjoyed some dialogue from the characters to learn a little more about them. Or some further character development. That said it would make an excellent prologue for a story exploring how that incident changed her!


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## dmontague (Feb 9, 2014)

LostInIllusions said:


> “I love you.” he breathed, his breath tickling her ear. He kissed a trail of kisses from the side of her neck, making his way up to her lips. “I love you so much.”


I like the absolute phrase of "his breath tickling her ear," but you could probably change the dialogue to something with more subtext. Usually you don't want characters to just say what's on their mind without a filter. People lie, embellish, mislead, equivocate, and understate all of the time. Feel free to spice things up a little and avoid situations where your characters are talking like characters instead of people.




LostInIllusions said:


> "I love you too.” She whispered back.


Probably could be "I love you, too," she whispered back.


LostInIllusions said:


> She closed her eyes, enjoying the feel


Maybe change "feel" to sensation?


LostInIllusions said:


> of him pressed up against her.


This could be a little more specific. Which part of him? How? etc.


LostInIllusions said:


> She needed nothing else but to be close to him. He was her everything. Their relationship was the realest and truest thing she had ever known. This is the first time she had ever felt this way, the first time she actually believed love was possible.


Yeah, this feels sort of like an infodump, where you tell the reader what's going on rather than showing them. You want to dramatize your exposition. Have them share a cute quirk or a few beats of dialogue or something so readers can figure out for themselves that they really love each other. Don't be afraid to let your characters speak for themselves.


LostInIllusions said:


> He lay there silently, watching a small smile play on her lips as she closed her eyes. He searched her whole face, looking for one flaw. Nothing. She was perfect. Never had she done anything to him to make him think otherwise.


Feel free to add a little more description. You could maybe slow down the pacing a little bit and give your readers some time to take everything in by describing their appearances, the setting, etc.


LostInIllusions said:


> He looked away, the guilt eating him alive.


It could be more effective if instead of saying "the guilt eating him alive" you showed him sweating or averting his gaze or something that guilty people do.


LostInIllusions said:


> If only she knew. He didn’t deserve a girl like her. He was bad, while she on the other hand, was good.


You can probably just cut the whole "He was bad, while she, on the other hand, was good" thing. We can figure that out.


LostInIllusions said:


> She’d rather die than betray the people she loves. He hated himself. He hated how he could do this to her. He needed to tell her.


Internal conflict, good.


LostInIllusions said:


> But not yet. He just wanted one last day to be with her, for her to love him… Then he’d tell her.
> Excellent, now we have characters with something to lose.
> 
> 
> ...


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## MsPilgrims (Feb 14, 2014)

Hi, I loved your story: short, essential, with a good pace. It leads you to the end in a moment and then you would want more. 
The first paragraph is what stands out the most. As some other user wrote, I think you could add a little more to the third paragraph and that would be even more compelling.

Keep up the good work!


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## Mice of Men (Feb 19, 2014)

I literally just woke up, and so I decided to go on the forums to read a little. For Gods sake this story woke me up! It was incredibly beautiful, and poetic. I loved how you described every moment of it as if I was actually there. Well done, keep up the great work love!


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## dagrar (Feb 20, 2014)

Nicely written, you convaded the way of it's all my fault for his cheating not his selfishness. Self loathing can be a dangerous thing.


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## Reject (Feb 28, 2014)

So many directions that you could take us with this, I look forward to finding out where you decide to go with this well written introduction.


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## bezidentita (Feb 28, 2014)

Whoa, that last couple of sentences says it all! This reads like the prologue for a novel, and now we're about to meet Miss-New-And-Improved Bad Girl. In leather. sorry, got carried away there. Well done. The transition across emotions is nice. Also, how you carried the suspense along, but not too long, when you revealed his type of betrayal (and it wasn't obvious, believe me, he couldn't done a thousand different things). Nice. Still thinking about those last two sentences and how they cast the perfect evil cloud over everything. This could go anywhere.


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