# June 2015 LM - The Burden of Guilt - Scores



## Guy Faukes (Jun 27, 2015)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*​
*The Burden of Guilt*

A big thank you goes out to all those brave enough to participate and an even bigger thank you to our fine panel of judges,   ​Folcro, Pluralized, Bevo, and amsawtell for taking the time out of their busy schedules to review the entries.
*
Table of Scores*​

*Folcro**Pluralized**amsawtell**Bevo**Average**musichal*1415151615*Tom*1310111311.75*HarperCole*1618151014.75*hhourani*1311161112.75*rcallaci*1117171715.5*ArrowInTheBowofTheLord*912121211.25*kilroy214*1114151814.5*midnightpoet*1116121613.75*Riptide*1115151814.75*Lizz Aquarian*111411911.25*Meteli*89141311*tdelozier*915121312.25*Sleepwriter*1213171915.25*joshybo*1516141715.5*J Anfinson*139151312.5*Dubhthaigh*121313.51613.6*Inkwellness*1012141212


In third place we have *Musichal *with his entry, *Killer Verdict**.*
In second place we have *Sleepwriter *with his entry, *Broken*.
And we have a tie for the winner of June 2015's LM between *rcallaci *with his entry, *12 O'Clock Midnight*, and *joshybo *with his entry, *What Was Left Unsaid*! Congratulations to both of you!

And without further ado, comments from the judges:

[spoiler2=Folcro's scores]
Killer Verdict
Musichal
Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 5
*Total: 14*

Unfolded. A good word. Adjectives always hit me with a negative knee-jerk, but this was informative.

You weave your fancy words in well for the most part (eschewed was pushing it... as was malignant poltergeist).

*Sadly cheerful tone:* Was it sad that it was cheerful? Or was it cheerfully sad?

*Looking upon faces of former friends who greeted me with nothing:* Great line; big words forgone and not missed. You even managed to make the word "upon" sound natural (still would have preferred a god ol' fashined "at" though).

*Max's bulldog teeth: *Does Max have fangs? Unfortunate name for a man with the smile of a dog.

*Wanting to literally torture the stranger:* "Hm, I can't say 'torture', that wouldn't get the point across. I know, I'll stamp 'literally' on it, then they'll know I mean business!" ...You were right about the first part.

*Certificate of death:* This is where your passive language is exploited. If you are from a country or place where a different term is used, I apologize, but I have never heard "certificate of death", only "death certificate". It strikes me as your flowery style prying perfectly fine terms apart to make room for your "of"s.

*I asked in exhagerated pleasentry:* I know what "exhagerated pleasentry" looks like and you showed it to me. So why are you explaining to me what I just read?

*I gazed upon her portrait:* That time I caught it.

You write well, but this was way too flowery. When I think of a highly intelligent, grammar-loving man wrongly accused of killing his wife, I think of Andy Dufresne. Even he only got upitty with the words at appropriate times but was otherwise subdued, with a focus on clarity through description and sentence structure rather than diction. Shave off some of those two-dollar words--- you're close to making this guy sympathetic.

Red Cross
Tom
Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 5
*Total: 13*

*The Inky red cross stamped neatly on each brown bag was a nice touch:* a lot of adjectives here; it seems you were reaching too high for description: a common error. The word "inky", which I associate with runny contradicts with "neatly" for me. This is just me, but the more adjectives you throw into your sentences, the more room you leave for conflict with your reader.

As is also common, the issues I had with the opening paragraph did not continue; your description of her returning to the flat was excellent. The paragraph that followed, you start to slip back to flowers: words like "simply" and "clashing" seemed out of place.

*I wretched a clear thick liquid from my bowels: *You mean from your stomach?

*The inside of my dry desert throat:* "Dry" was enough.

*Bright red pajamas clung to his child-like body:* So is this guy like a child or is he in fact a child? If you were merely trying to indicate to me that this character is a child and could think of no better way to articulate it, you don't have to--- you already did ("pajamas"--- sometimes we don't have to spell it out).

Regarding the prose: You had some shining moments here. It's often difficult to avoid being flowery or obvious--- I know that as well as anybody. But trust me, it's better to let your ideas go over the heads of some than to beat them the heads of everybody.

Regarding the story: It's hard to sympathize with this jackass. I could feel this woman's presence some of the time, and I'm yearning for some back story, but if you want me to sympathize with a suicidal mother, you'd better write the best god damn reason for her attempt and hope for the best. You gave me nothing, and the reader is left to draw their own conclusion. What will others conclude? I don't know. What do I conclude? Give the bitch an enema.


Primary Function
HarperCole
Grammar: 5
Prose: 5
Story: 6
*Total: 16*

Very good establishing sentences. You set a tone and I can feel it. You did this with very little detail, but the right detail, the right words.

*"I've heard several tales of women falling for their robot carers":* "By the way, you're a robot. This man is a robot, everybody!"

The last three paragraphs were too explainy, and could have been reverse-engineered into the story to build up to that decision and the reason he made it rather than an info dump in the falling action where we should be taking it all in.

But I loved it. It was imaginative and interesting. This robot was so innocent in his manner of processing his observations. I felt him, felt for him, curious about this world and the philosophical conundrums that always emerge when sentient androids are around (Fallout 4!!!)

I hope you expand this story and publish it. You can bring some good stuff to this much-explored concept.



The Rabbit Killer
hhourani
Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 5
*Total: 13*

*Jim McGreary liked to have the last word and she got what she had coming to her: *This line would have been a lot more effective if it simply read "She got what she had coming to her."

*He knew that his smile would haunt the mayor’s dream and he would have it no other way: *Again, effect can come with simplicity. I would strike the underlined. It didn't need to be there.

*A bloody steak would have been nice, but Jim knew this was a battle he would not win: *What battle?

Fickle guy, isn't he?

It's an interesting premise, and I like the way you tie up the food and honor metaphor, but I think you could have wrapped it up without sticking a sideplot flashback in a 600 word story. _My father told my not to feel guilty for the rabbit, as there was no sorrow in being fed. My commander told me not to feel guilty for the enemy, as there was no shame in honor. I had food and honor. My wife denied me both._

And I think the rabbit prelude is a bit too Of-Mice-and-Men-ish.

*“Men are evil,” he said, “and the only thing that I’m guilty of is killing a rabbit”:* "The only thing I'm guilty of is killing a rabbit."

We must have had the same ninth grade curriculum. I read Of Mice and Men and The Last Boast in the same year; this story reminds me of both.


12 O'clock Midnight
rcallaci
Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 4
*Total: 11*

You hop from talking about "them" to talking to them in the second paragraph. Perhaps it should be italicized, per chance in quotes when the speaker is addressing his tormenters?

*The execution is off, you’ve been remanded to a psychiatric hospital. No meds will be given; you’ll live with your own demons:* That's a powerful warden. Doesn't a judge usually render such a decision for the defendant, or the defendant's lawyer? Or am I being... obtuse? (Hm, my second Shawshank Redemption reference this round).

Refreshing to see you no longer dwelling at the front of the Bible, I see you made your way toward the back.


I can't be too enthused by the plot, I've seen it my fair share of times before, even with the Bible/Schizophrenic backdrop.


Untitled
ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
Grammar: 5
Prose: 2
Story: 2
*Total: 9*

This was a difficult read.

I had no idea what was going on in the first half: three characters are thrust on me and at least one of them isn't real... I think. Who's Armina? It almost seemed like you changed your mind as to what the man character's name was. It was very confusing.

All I really pulled from the story is that there was a war, war is bad, and something about God. It was hard to gather anything else.

And who was the perspective character here? Katya or Jet?


Franklin Finally Flips
kilroy214
Grammar: 5
Prose: 2
Story: 4
*Total: 11*

Did you really want a cute title for this?

*Like clockwork:* I'm not a cliche nazi, but try to avoid them in the opening paragraph of a 600-word story.

*With his plastic spoon at the ready, he dug in:* If the plastic spoon is at the ready while he digs in, what is he digging in with?

*It took only seconds for the chocolate annihilation to stop, and he relished every moment of it: *Sounds like he rushed through it.

*He scraped the sides for any scraps like a mason scraping excess mortar from a stand of bricks: *An analogy in such detail is only required if the reader might have trouble seeing what you are describing, or if what you are describing might change from person to person. Trust me, we all know what scraping the side of a Snack Pack looks like, and it always looks the same.

But I see you do love your similes... five of them... two in one sentence.

*He giggled at his own double entendre:* Who's really grinning, the main character or the writer? Please remove this sentence.

*Pain he could not begin to fathom was possible: *Pain he could not begin to fathom.

Very flowery. One more simile and I was going to be in worse shape than Davis. 

The reader can see when they're being spoken down to--- when you explain something to them because you think they might have missed it. If your wit goes over their heads, let it. Beating everybody with how clever you find yourself will get you nowhere.

Thank you for proofreading.


The Kid
midnightpoet
Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 3
*Total: 11*

Good opening sentence.

*I was a hardened soldier doing my duty:* Effect is often found in the things you choose not to say; letting the reader come to the conclusion. If you let the reader think "He's doing his duty He's defending himself"--- let them make the justifications--- they are coming to you, defending you, and your character becomes the representation of their philosophy. This is an extreme description of a very tiny thing that happens in a reader's mind, but such things add up, and you will find them far more sympathetic for your characters when you want them to be.

*Our Captain had assured us:* I don't think "captain" needs to be capitalized, but so long as you are consistent with it, I won't dock you.

*He had led the attack as dawn broke over distant mountains:* Whatever dawn breaks over is already implied to be distant. I can see how you would still like an adjective there, and I wouldn't begrudge you. Eastern mountains?

*...I shot at everyone and at nothing. The only insurgents I saw weren’t much older than the boy...:* You had the poise to gauge their ages but not to aim at them?

*War is an equal opportunity monster, I thought:* In a time where this subject matter has been exhausted almost to death, it is better to show, not tell.

*Later, after we secured the place and took care of our dead and wounded, a roadside bomb hit our vehicle: *Somebody's not having a good day. How about instead of glossing over a bunch of bad things that happened, you focus on one and detail its horror. As I said before, more show, less tell.

*Yes, he shot him:* How killing children can bring a father and son together.

*My face was a bloody mess:* The battle was days ago, the bleeding hadn't stopped yet? Those doctors must be real dicks.

Aside from the literary aspects-- and I'm no gun toting 'mercan patriot, so don't think I say this out of zeal--- it might be best to leave soldiers' fighting in Afghanastan out of fiction for the next ten years (bare minimum). If you yourself have experience fighting in Afghanistan (which I doubt), God bless you, but I think your accounts should remain in the non-fiction section (so long as they are accurate, of course). 

Thank you for proofreading.


Why Can't I Remember?
Riptide
Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 3
*Total: 11*

*The drone of traffic drew me from my thoughts. The irritation of bumper to bumper stop-and-go took the forefront of my mind: *Why did you say the same thing twice?

*pure adrenaline: *As opposed to diluted adrenaline?

*Trying to ease my nerves, it didn't work:* _Trying to ease my nerves didn't work_. But really, is this sentence critical?

I'd really like to know what happened. This seems to be a case of service to the prompt rather than the story, and I would very much have liked more story. What happened? A guy reached out to help her, she blacked out, and the guy was dead. Instead of getting into this mystery, this chick just says "Oh, I didn't do it but I obviously did" a hundred times over. 

Oh well, at least you proofread. 


Grab the Hose
LizzAquarian
Grammar: 4
Prose: 4
Story: 3
*Total: 11*

The opening two lines were great; they set the tone, preparing me for tragedy.

*Despite his knack for being a straight asshole, there's no law against that:* I would have changed this to _There's no law against his knack for being an asshole_, or something more direct.

*We may even go a week without a climax to a dramatic predicament of his doing: *You're keeping the floweriness at bay for the most part (this story doesn't need cutsiness in the prose)--- sentences like this are when that unwanted dandelion pops out.

*You write well:* you know how to set a tone and articulate a thought. My gripe with this piece is that nothing really happens in the middle: the main character jaws on for a bit--- which was partly character development, and I understand that--- and the narrative seemed to remember to actually tell a story only in the last few sentences. 

I like the concept of suppression. I think your narrative needs to be a little cleaner--- more direct. Some proofreading never hurt either.


Guilt and Gullible
Meteli
Grammar: 3
Prose: 2
Story: 3
*Total: 8*

*As an exchange student the city was new for me:* As the first sentence in a story, you do not want dangling modifiers.

*I started to feel she would have liked to empty my bank account as well:* No, ya think?

This was painful to read. You go through great details to describe what most people will find obvious. Entire paragraphs could have been crunched into "she could be a fraud," which was implied before you even began to explain it. And some of that detail you repeat.

The main character is a fool, and definitely should not be out on her own. I don't care what she's angry about, the money or the lies, she should be just as cross with herself.


Broken
Sleepwriter
Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 3
*Total: 12*

*Blood-curdling screams: *Avoid cliches in your opening sentences.

*Cold sweat: *Avoid cliches in your second sentences.

*...Much like how my life has gone:* Nothing cheapens symbolism like an explanation.

The two paragraphs, starting with *steam from the hot water*, were brilliant. I would be quick to eliminate the one part at the end: *...not because of what I tried to do, but because I can't finish the job*. Again, explaining is losing.

The story wasn't very good--- cheap twist, seen it a million times. Your strength lies in your ability to create atmosphere through detail. You have the potential to make a scene remarkably personal. What holds you back from that is your compulsion to explain. Even this story, while not to my own taste or style, could have worked without the hand-holding. 


Corroded
tdelozier
Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 2
*Total: 9*

*We saw great progress in the first month of the clinical trial:* The underlined is fine; the rest is talking to nobody but the audience, which if you know me by now, you know I can't stand.

Tense-switching (asked, continues). Proof-reading will resolve such petty concerns.

*Tell me about this burden of guilt:* Ham-handed.

It's difficult to spin an interesting tale purely on expository dialogue (albeit in the dramatically convenient setting of a therapist's office). Some stories need to be shown instead of seen, some scenes of pure tell belong to larger stories. This story, on its own, is uninteresting. What do I want with the commentary of a character I do not know? And the difficulty in truly getting to know someone through expository dialogue is the very reason for the difficulty in successful drama through this media. There's nothing wrong with giving it a shot anyway, in fact I applaud it; it just didn't work today.


What was Left Unsaid
joshybo
Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 6
*Total: 15*

The prose is simple, but clean.

*Pretending to watch television... feigning interest in the show:* Pick one (the first one).

*She scooted closer toward me: *she scooted closer.

*"Nothing, Sam," I lied:* We all already know he's lying.

*My response seemed to satisfy her expectation:* My response seemed to satisfy her.

That little paragraph about explaining why some men aren't comfortable disclosing their sexuality---? Not needed. At all.

There are a lot of psychological dynamics this story could have taken advantage of. With only 600 words, it's nearly impossible not to make this look like a BB Mountain clone. I know you see this story for the depth it could have, and it does make one think--- it made me think. But you could have lead us through a lot more. You could have shown us Heaven and Hell. As it is, this stands as a 600-word template (a good 600-word template).


Control
J Anfinson
Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 4
*Total: 13*

I had to read the second sentence twice; maybe it's graveyard-shift exhaustion. Either way, I would have worded it: It was only ten feet up the concrete wall to the shoebox-sized pane of cracked glass. Just rearranged a few things to make it neater.

What kind of basement is this with cracks and rocks jutting out? It sounds like this house is sliding off the foundation. She ought to warn the owner.

I'm glad you put thought into where to tell the protagonist's name--- you made the right choice I think.

*He was a big guy, she'd already realized:* Of course she already realized. Did you really think the reader would question you had you simple said “He was a big guy?”

*There was no way she could fight him:* Avoid making conclusions for the reader, it's condescending. We know you wouldn't have referred to him as "a big guy" for nothing.

It's a shame--- the prose was crisp for the most part, and you had something there with that protagonist, something about her reactions to the situation intrigued me. But your serial-killer villain was a bore (serial-killers should never be boring, cardinal sin!) and then the story just stopped. 
Great potential for a character study, though.



The Burden of Guilt
Dubhthaigh
Grammar: 4
Prose: 4
Story: 4
*Total: 12*

Interesting title. What inspired it, I ever wonder?

And the only one to feature a confessional. That actually does perplex me. Second gay story, though.

*A chill down her bent spine: *At least this one was a bent spine.

Explanation can often water down prose otherwise solid:

*Fr. Mulcair enquired with a concerned tone*

*Her scrambled and disturbed mind*

*His voice betrayed his attempt at humor*

*It was still laced with concern*

I'm tentatively thinking you should spell out "Father" (I predict the protestants will read "Fr." and think "friar").

*"That bad, huh?": *I kinda like this priest.

*He enquired:* But these dialogue tags are driving me up a wall. And I think that's your second use of the word "enquired." Doesn't anybody "ask" anymore?

*Compelled to report to the authorities:* Hm... you sure? If journalists can hold secrets for the sake of encouraging everyone to talk to them for the greater good, I think the Church can hold to the same standard... and I'm pretty sure they do.

Oh, I would have loved it if after the entire confession the priest said "Ew, you're a lesbian?"

The prose is good, the story is meh. The character was meh (seemed to lean on tragedy and secrets, but the only thing interesting about Maeve is her name).


The Long Walk Home
Inkwellness
Grammar: 3
Prose: 3
Story: 4
*Total - 10*


*Feigning fatherly care: *Forcing maybe, but feigning? Are you sure? Feigning to be his father is maybe what you meant; I don't think this came out as you wanted.

Why don't you cut the dialogue tags? Instead of *Billy replied, looking down as he walked*, _Billy looked down as he walked_. Instead of *Ollie inquired, rubbing the boy's head*, let _Ollie rubbed the boy's head_ be your dialogue tag. I know what a reply looks like and you've shown it to me. You are not bound by dialogue tags for people to understand you. They are not required, they are not needed.

"The teacher puts a checkmark by your name...": A kid wouldn't think to explain this, or would otherwise not care to. Conveniently, Ollie and every person reading this already knows what a checkmark means.

PROOFREAD: Ollie and Billy shared a sentence at the end of that paragraph.

*"Ollie, did you ever get detention?":* This line and Ollie's reaction would have had such a greater impact if you hadn't set it up with Ollie's flashback. Show us Ollie's reactions, and let our imaginations paint his past. If you try to tell the story of his experience in one paragraph, even if you're Hampton Sides, your result will be generic.

I don't care what Billy's dead father's name is. Oh, I see he's going to be a character later. Then wait to give his name until he becomes relevant to Ollie directly, as he is the one carrying this story. But I see how it's hard not to talk about the boy's father. But it's doable. Things can be implied.

*"I know you were with my husband when he died":* "But the audience doesn't so I'm just going to pound that sentence in there."

*"I made a promise":* This wording makes it sound like Ollie made the promise to Will, which doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe make it less dramatic, like "I said I would do it"?

*The Afghan family crotched together:* Sounds painful. You know what isn't painful? Proofreading.

The prose was serviceable, the story was generic for me. It brought nothing new to the returning soldier genre. Perhaps there were depths you saw, even included, but inadvertently chiseled away to make the story fit the contest. You stripped it down to within an inch of its life; it's still breathing, but barely. 

[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores] 
Musichal
“Killer Verdict”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
*Overall: 15*

This is smartly written and a fun piece overall. Couple of oblique spots, with the Morals Clause and the idea that having a Buick instead of a Mercedes somehow constitutes a ‘nightmare’ although it didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the piece as a whole.

I think my biggest issue with this story is the lack of ground covered; basically we’ve got a bunch of backstory and not a lot of movement. Loads of potential conflict, loads of great dramatic elements, but no goal impediment used to manipulate me as a reader and some of those ten-dollar words should maybe have been eschewed in favor of a quick paragraph where something could ‘happen’ and take me on a journey rather than just hanging there with this depressed dude.

Good marks though overall – great prose. I only dock for voice due to a couple funky lines that I couldn’t believe – flotsam and jetsam of scribed paper being among the most egregious.


Tom
“Red Cross”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Overall: 10*

I liked the dark, miserable narrator in this piece but have trouble with beyond the grave tales. I’ve written my share, so can’t really talk, but this one really ended with a focus on the final moments and didn’t deliver that poignant thought that maybe could’ve given us a tiny bit of characterization for the son. As it stands, we got absolutely nothing. And that’s too bad.

Writing is not too bad, but I think could benefit from a slow and careful edit. Lots of gerunds, lots of melodramatic sentences going on. The door being unaffected from her efforts, for instance. There’s no reason to describe the obvious and, when you do, it can sometimes make the prose take a step backwards.

waiver my attention – Should this maybe be waver?
out dated - outdated

The red cross was smudged, transforming into a pitchfork piercing a soft brown piece of earth. – didn’t get this image.

I had swallowed all of them at once, letting them scratch the inside of my dry desert throat as they struggled to reach my empty stomach. – That’s a bit overwrought.

Overall pretty decent story and deep, depressing subject matter.


HarperCole
“Primary Function”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
*Overall: 18*

A great story. I really liked this a lot, thought it had lots of fun details that made for greater depth than your typical robot tale. There are some who’ll inevitably say this is rote, somehow unoriginal, but I think it’s pretty awesome to tell the story from the POV of a killer robot. The hand-paddle shock was a neat detail and the situation with him stepping in to take the man’s life so she didn’t have to was a mature piece of storytelling. Hats’ off. If I wanted this to be a perfect ten for effect, I would have shortened the beginning of the plot arc and extended the back half so we could understand better what his demolition will look like and who’s carrying that out (presumably other robot justice figures; wonder if they’d have some weird robot-robot moment – lots of potential there too).

Only real grammar thing I saw was ‘immanent’ which was misspelled.

In reality I can no more feel hate than love. – I really like what you did there. Superb use of the prompt – nice one.


hhourani
“The Rabbit Killer”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Overall: 11*

Right out of the gate, the first sentence has Jim both imagining and wondering. Some cliché stuff too, like ‘let him have it’ that didn’t work for me. Can’t pull teeth with bare hands, either. The language felt wonky overall and grammatically oversimplified. But a neat parable style, despite the perplexing ending. Good use of the prompt and a good effort.


rcallaci
“12 O’clock Midnight”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
*Overall: 17*

Fine piece of wordsmithery. This Death Row thing is catching!

The story is dark and nasty, and I liked it. Probably need to be careful just how much I ask for with your stuff, and that’s a compliment. 

I was diagnosed with this condition in my late teens but I experienced visions and hallucinations since I was three years old. – I have experienced

prophets’ of old – Capitalize this maybe and lose the apostrophe: Prophets of Old

The children were the most hideous. – Dude! Then you went to choppin’ heads. This was a gnarly piece.

Certainly a fine use of the prompt, and pretty good flow. Read through it quick and easy and that’s a great way to experience a story. Didn’t think you took any chances besides the low-hanging fruit of head-choppin’ and that’s too bad, because you could have taken this dark atmosphere and woven something real tricky-like. Still, a good piece of writing and I can tell you edited with care. That ending… Loved it.


Arrowinthebowofthelard
“Armina”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Overall: 12*

Good dialogue, if a tiny bit twee. I found the use of caps and hyphens a bit much though, and the story reeks of melodrama. The line ‘War belongs in hell’ just drove me right off the cliff and I’m sorry to say it failed to maintain my interest even a little bit. I know that’s harsh, but I think with only 421 words, there has been a missed opportunity to flesh out what’s going on here and give us some broader context into this ‘infernal war’ that’s raging. 

Also didn’t feel like this was written to the prompt, so didn’t feel much thematic connection. Guess I didn’t’ really believe it.

To end on a constructive note, I really like your characters and their faith in the unseen, and the writing itself is cleanly edited and presented fairly well. Hope you’ll keep entering – that’s what it’s all about.


kilroy214
“Franklin Finally Flips”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
*Overall: 14*

Clever story. It’s got a really funny premise to it, and more or less well written. But way too much stage direction. There are a ton of actions that feel like wasted words or maybe just too much emphasis on inconsequential actions. Like ‘spoon at the ready’ and stuff like that. Sometimes it’s useful to zoom way in on the actions, slow the pacing way down, particularly when someone is vomiting like a brown fountain and convulsing to death in the break room.

*Like clockwork, the Snack Pack was sitting on the third shelf like it had the last several days.* – Cliché – like clockwork. It jangles like a wind chime made of beer cans.

*Someone was probably pissed about their dessert disappearing for the last week, but he figured if it was important, they would pack their lunch better.* – Hard bit of telling here that stuck out like a distended pudding-belly.

*He scraped the sides for any scraps like a mason scraping excess mortar from a stand of bricks.* – Funky simile, but probably kills in the bricky sector.

*He'd noticed her looking at his well-formed figure and thought she was cute enough to throw a bone. He giggled at his own double entendre.* – I don’t think of men as having a ‘figure’ but I guess that’s me. Also, you should trust the reader’s cleverness and not have the character chuckle at their own jokes. Would’ve been a lot funnier without the last line, imo.

*A new problem clicked in his mind as he felt his face swell up as the bile clung to his tongue and lips.* – Another instance of wasted words – ‘A new problem clicked in his mind’ – there’s little reason for that to be there. Think about it.

*Things weren't looking good. *– No shit! 

Overall clever story, decent writing, nothing that knocked my socks off. Also, I feel like I’ve read this before and maybe it wasn’t written for this prompt in particular. I guess that sort of thing is allowed, but I hovered over the donut button for a minute…


midnightpoet
“The Kid”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Overall: 16*

Good story, well written. I can’t really comment much as to the effect, though I’ll say the impact is pretty good. I’m thankful that I never had to take part in such things and that there are guys and gals brave enough to go do it (when necessary, a slippery slope of debate).

The roadside bomb wouldn’t hit the vehicle - would be the other way ‘round. Also, loosing was used when it should’ve been losing.

After the battle a strange quiet came over me and I could still see the boy’s face, oval and innocent; I could imagine him playing in the street with the other kids, happy and content. – I was going to pick on the rhythmic glitch and the heavy adjective use but I found this to be a pleasant sentence and I’ll just point out that instead. 

It’s a powerful piece and fits the prompt perfectly. I thought it could benefit from some careful editing, just mainly for flow and effect. There’s not enough patience in the setting detail. Could be due to authorial difficulty, if this is a true story (which I hope it’s not) or based on personal experience. Either way, it’s hard-hitting and tells a poignant story of a ruined young casualty to the War Machine and the soldier who’d never forget him. Nice work.


Riptide
“Why Can’t I Remember?”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Overall: 15*

This is a slow start, and a bit of a slow build. And then, a slow ending. But this inner monologue could be expanded to the full word count and the plot stretched a bit more, make this person travel a bit further in time and space. Would definitely get more points on the impact scale. I do like your style, though, and I think the voice is consistent and nice. Could see that narrator taking the wheel and leading us someplace. But we didn’t go far enough today and that’s too bad. Clean writing though – I didn’t spot any low-hanging fruit. Maybe a comma glitch here or there but nothing to dock you for.


Lady Lizard
“Grab the Hose”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Overall: 14*

Something in this narrator that’s believable, despite the halting cadence and tone of the story. It’s like the guy’s King of her world, but also the angel of death. She’d probably do anything just to keep his temper from flaring; some existence. Good job conveying that emotion.

I did feel like the story was lacking something; maybe it could have benefitted from an interlude where he gets to tell his side through dialogue (if briefly). That would afford us as readers the opportunity to evaluate this picture of domestic bliss for what it really is, rather than just living in the fevered narrator’s head. Good job though, I really liked it.

Loads of glitches in the grammar and words stuck together. Not a bad read though overall and the voice is pretty dang good. Nice work.


Meteli
“Guilt and Gullible”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Overall: 9*

I really liked the premise and the story does work to the prompt. But it was chock full of odd lines and the ending popped my balloon in a very weird way. Sorry this didn’t work better for me – I really did like some of the overarching thematic concepts employed here, especially the juxtaposition between the seemingly wealthy narrator and the poor woman whose perceptions were inevitably skewed due to her condition (and likewise the narrator’s). 


Sleepwriter
“Broken”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Overall: 13*

Stories that begin with someone waking up have been so utterly squashed by the popular voices in the ‘how-to’ world of writing that I’ve begun to forget about what they’re like. So it didn’t even stick out as a problem for me, though I’m sure someone will mention it. The first paragraph is loaded down with clichés, which could bring the wrath from some judges – but the piece redeems itself nicely with the pill/gravestone simile shortly afterward.

But then you killed a kid, which is the other no-no. But it’s definitely a guilt-harvest, so well done. This story is dark and disturbing and I think it couldn’t make up its mind just to what degree. And that ambiguous quality deflates the balloon a wee bit.

Pretty clean writing, but cautious. No dialogue. There is a ‘had’ where is should be ‘has’ when he’s looking in the mirror. I think the story could be improved by cooling it with the mirror and waking up and shower and stuff, and giving us a small flashback into a happy time where the girl and wife and smiling and then you rip our hearts out.


tdelozier
“Corroded”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Overall: 15*

Couple of tense slips, nothing terrible, and some great dialogue. I liked the premise – the corroded leads are something for us to focus on and I really thought the reversal was handled with skill. The plot arc is short, and there are a bunch more words you could’ve used here but that’s okay sometimes.

“He couldn’t walk!” he abruptly yelled. “After all the excitement, all the hype, he couldn’t walk. I mean, he knew what he was getting into. It was all in the informed consent he signed.” After a long pause he added, “but damn it, he couldn’t walk,” once again resigned to his sullen, albeit, unstable position. – I had no idea how to follow the he’s in this paragraph. Every now and then, helps to identify who you’re ‘he’-ing.


joshybo
“What Was Left Unsaid”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Overall: 16*

You get a zero.

Just kidding! Of course, you get high marks for a story well crafted and full of great emotion and contemporary subject matter. What a great use of the prompt!

Few glitches – the first line of dialogue – ‘She caught me staring at her, “Are you…. – I don’t think that first piece of exposition should be used as an attribution and it seems a full stop would be appropriate here. Also, kisseed – should be kissed.

Nice work – maybe a tiny bit cautious for what I suspect you to be capable of, and the voice could use some spice. But I’m a complainer and looking for stuff so there you go. With a little bit more flashy vocab and a touch of linger in the flashback (maybe a kiss?), and no misspelled words, you’d have a perfect score or damn near.


J Anfinson
“Control” 
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Overall: 9*

Well, that was a rough way to go. 

I don’t know if ‘lichen’ is a wise choice for the basement wall. Just me probably. I would also have him do something more forceful than just ‘put’ the muzzle of his pistol under her chin. If he jammed it there painfully, it does a magical thing where we infer a certain brand of anger that’s not otherwise easy to portray. Use those opportunities.

Dialogue was not believable, for me, and was a bit painful.

In all, there might be too much energy expended on things like her ‘purchase’ trying to climb the wall, his ‘groaning’ stairs, and too little time spent figuring out how to convey to the reader that she’s in immediate danger. With the fever and her climbing up to a window she won’t fit through anyway, there was never a moment where I felt like I wanted to pull for the protagonist and I never felt any sense of story construction. When he came downstairs it fell off the cliff and I found the ending totally ruined by the last line of her inner monologue. I did, however, like the overall premise but wished it had gone down the hatch smoother. Didn’t feel written for the prompt, to be honest.


Dubthaigh
“The Burden of Guilt” 
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Overall: 13*

Great idea for a story, and pretty well written. Authoritative voice, if a bit stiff at times. Being driven to murder by someone of the same gender spurning your advances? Been there. Well, not really, but I think it’s a great idea for a story and it kept me reading through the last half.

Pacing is kind of weird with this, only because I didn’t get a sense of resolution at the end and we didn’t close up the opening scene very well. It was as if the author had run out of words.

Few glitches in the grammar mostly related to dialogue punctuation and a missing period. Overall pretty clean. Enjoyed it, just wished for more loft and symmetry.


inkwellness
“The Long Walk Home” 
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Overall: 12*

Some great action in this story and it was engaging. Nice mix of dialogue and narrative.

Hard to read a story about the Afghanistan conflict and frame it like we’re reading a war story from 1943, where a hero and his dad are ‘surrounded by the enemy.’ I know it is conceivable, but there’s a lot about that war that makes such scenes unbelievable. I did try to abandon that particular filter and let the story speak for itself.

The pacing and tone are in need of massaging for flow and music. There’s like a fact sheet unfolding here, one reported fact after another but then splayed into a fiction-like voice. It didn’t totally work for me. Telling the tale of this guy’s heroic actions is exciting, and I get what happened, but the way it went down felt glossed-over and way too convenient. One minute there’s a ‘homemade grenade’ and he’s on it, then everyone’s gone and he’s somehow looking at his blood and hasn’t died. Might spend a few words describing the grenade (if it were homemade, what might it look like?) and give a bit more tooth to the action of the explosion.

Lots of instances where a comma was needed in lieu of a full stop in dialogue. I’d review every one of them and see where you tried to tie an attribution to the actual dialogue but had a full stop in use. Think of the full stop (period) as a padlock. Once that bit of dialogue has been locked, you cannot tie a speech tag to it any longer. If it’s a comma, question mark, exclamation mark, then you’re golden.

Some good realism here, though, and I do want you to know I enjoyed the story and saw some real shiny stuff under the surface. It was just covered in glitchy cadence and a dry tone that really needed to be manipulated for much greater effect given the subject matter. 

[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=amsawtell's scores]
“Killer Verdict” 
musichal
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
*Overall: 15/20*

This was well put together with a good eye for the technical. The tone was familiar with a new point of view which kept it honest. I had trouble taking the story seriously as the phrase “son this is your life upon the rocks” made me laugh and I never quite was able to set that aside. Perhaps if that realization had come later in the story and hadn’t been so close to the talk about the whiskey glass I wouldn’t have had a problem and would have found it a good way of weaving the story together. 

I also despised the ending of the story. I neither understood or liked the story ending with “my innocence.” There could have been several different ways to end this in a way that wasn’t quite so heavy-handed or hand-holding. 


“Red Cross”
Tom
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 4/10
*Overall: 11/20*

There’s punctuation missing and a capitalization issue in the “knock, knock.”

I’m not fond of the cheap emotional pull of a mother overdosing in front of her young child—I’ve read it several times before which deadens the uniqueness of this story. Further, unless she’s writing this from beyond the grave then this story shouldn’t be written from her point of view. 


“Primary Function”
HarperCole
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
*Overall: 15/20*

I liked the cadence of the robot’s speech as I like the mix of old cadence and futuristic technology. There were a few things that caused me to stumble while reading. I’m a little dismayed by the self-introspection displayed by the narrator as he’s very adamant that he cannot feel. This created a paradox that didn’t quite work for me. He obviously cares for Jessica and it wasn’t just his programming as evidenced by the last paragraph—concern for her emotional and mental well-being is not something an unfeeling automaton would express.

“My stupid knees going on strike again.”
Knees should be knee’s as it’s an informal contraction of “knee is.”

“ . . . women falling for their robot carers.”
I think I would prefer seeing caretakers over carers. Read that out loud and listen to how it sounds, it sounds awkward to my ear.


“The Rabbit Killer”
Hhourani
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
*Overall: 16/20*

This character at least brought forth disgust for me. I really didn’t feel sorry for the guy. 
“He knew that his smile would haunt the mayor’s dream . . .”
The mayor only has one dream? 

“After nights of pulling his teeth with his bare hands . . .”
I’ve had a tooth pulled and I can’t imagine being capable of pulling multiple teeth with my bare hands. This seems very unrealistic to me.


“12 O'clock Midnight”
Rcallaci
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
*Overall: 17/20*

I like that this narrator is not reliable. We really can’t tell if he did what he claims he did or if he’s so lost in his visions that he just thinks he did it. The religious overtones were heavy but suitable for the story.


“Untitled”
ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
*Overall: 12/20*

I’ll say this now: I’m not the right audience for your stories—I have very little sympathy or patience for evangelical stories. 

“Don’t be. Amen, I say. War belongs in hell.”
This should be “Don’t be. Amen,” I say, “War belongs in hell.”

Despite my reservations about evangelical stories you tell them well. I particularly agree with the sentiment that war belongs in hell. 


“Franklin Finally Flips “
kilroy214
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
*Overall: 15/20*

I thought this was amusing. I don’t really care for the point-of-view shift at the end; it’s abrupt and startling. Perhaps Franklin could eulogize—as cliché as that may be?

“Jesus Christ, he thought, the pudding, a Redbull and his morning protein shake — what more did his stomach want out?” 
Redbull should be two words. I’m a fan of the oxford comma as well so I would say you need a comma before the and but that’s really a stylistic choice.

“ . . . an ochre of bile spilled out like tar . . .”
What is an ochre? I know it’s a color but you’re using it here like it’s a unit of measurement.


“The Kid”
midnightpoet
SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
*Overall: 12/20*

I liked this exploration of war guilt. My favorite line was “War is an equal opportunity monster” which seems to be a theme in this round of LMs.

There were quite a few grammatical/spelling errors in this story that really detracted from the flow.

“ . . . yet I was afraid I was not only loosing my edge, but my sanity . . .”
Loosing should be losing.

“It was a star-spangled day . . .”
I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I like the sound of it but I have no idea what it means—and I’m an American.

“I was home, but feared”
I had to check on this to be sure but a comma should only be used before but when the following is an independent clause—meaning it could be its own sentence. That is not the case in this sentence so the comma needs to be dropped.

“ . . . where death awaited . . .”
It should be wait instead of awaited. Await means to look forward to the probable occurrence of an event whereas wait means to stay in one place and anticipate or expect something. Death would have been looking forward to the probable occurrence of anything in a dark hole.


“Why Can't I Remember?”
Riptide
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
*Overall: 15/20*

“ . . . it could've been everyone of them.”
I think any one of them would work better though, within context, every one works just as well. If you decide to stay with everyone it should be two words as everyone is a pronoun that can be replaced by everybody—referring to all the people of a group. Every one, written as two words references each object of a group individually. 

“Buried in a foot deep grave . . .”
This should be re-worded. It sounds awkward as it is.


“Grab the Hose (mild language)”
LizzAquarian
SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/5
*Overall: 11/20*

There is a consistent spacing issue that I think would have been fairly easy to deal with. I think the voice in this is great and very realistic. However, the difficulty in reading this due to the spacing issue lessened the impact this could have otherwise had.


“Guilt and Gullible”
Meteli
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10
*Overall: 14/20*

I can identify with the character’s frustration and anger towards this panhandler but I also didn’t feel anything while reading this. It exists as an emotional void to me. I also think that it relies too heavily on the “drunken, lying, ‘homeless’ person” stereotype.


“Broken”
Sleepwriter
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
*Overall: 17/20*

I like the reveal that it wasn’t the missing wife that had died. I also liked how authentic the grief sounded to me. I think this was well crafted and I’m glad it wasn’t preachy about driving while intoxicated. Well done.


“Corroded”
Tdelozier
SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
*Overall: 12/20*

You don’t actually have to mention the prompt—it comes off as heavy-handed and a little strange when that’s done. 

“ . . . Ms Pratt interjects.”
There should be a period at the end of “Ms.”


“What Was Left Unsaid”
joshybo
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
*Overall: 14/20*

Are you Nicholas Sparks in disguise? I’m a little disappointed because you’re usually so clean and precise with your writing.

“Looking across the sofa at my wife, that was . . .”
The comma doesn’t need to be there.

“He ran his fingers down my arm, kisseed my hand.”
Kissed.


“Control”
J Anfinson
SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
*Overall: 15/20*

Would she be able to recognize a Glock? I think this may be relying too heavily on stereotypes about prostitutes and serial killers. I don’t see anything really new in this story.


“The Burden of Guilt”
Dubthaigh
SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
*Overall: 13.5/20*

Well, that escalated quickly. I think the ending seemed particularly rushed in comparison to the beginning and the tone was inconsistent with the rushed ending.

"Married life scared her"
This is the only grammatical mistake I've spotted. There needs to be a period here.


“The Long Walk Home”
inkwellness
SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
*Overall: 14/20*

I’m seeing a lot of war stories this time around. I think that you handled this subject matter well and with a subtlety it deserves.

“He discharged from the U.S. Army 8 months ago . . .” AND “ . . . rubbing the eight-year-old boy on the head.” 
The rules for spelling out numbers depends on style but at least keep it consistent. I typically spell out any number smaller than twenty. 
“ . . . the Afghan family crotched together in another corner.”
I’m imagining an Afghan family sitting in a giant crotch (which is really weird). I think you meancrouched.

[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Bevo’s scores:]
Author: Musichal
Story: Killer Verdict
Spelling/Grammar - 4
Tone/Voice - 4
Effect: - 8
*Overall: - 16*

Review
Great story, I enjoyed it.
The tone was brought across and I understood instantly what he was going through.
I was confused by the name Evan Williams, is that the wife or main subject?
Words were well used and grammar was done well although I did not understand myself-‘ I had never seen that before.
Great job!


Author: Tom
Story: Red Cross
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Overall: 13*

Review
Sad story, you got the message across but I feel another proof read would of helped. Some of the grammar was easy to see. Avoiding run on sentences would help. The tense of “transforming” should have been “Transformed”.
When she swallowed you did not mention what, I knew it was pills but this was a great place to make it more visual.
The last line of “Grey Pajamas” confused me a bit.
Overall great story, your on the right track but a good slow proof read would of really helped.


Author: HarperCole
Story: Primary Function
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Overall: 10*

Review
Interesting story, it was a bit hard to get into until the robot comment which was confusing. The word “Carers” I think is a spelling mistake or a new one on me. 
Identifying who said what would also help a bit, when the robot speaks its not clear if its actually him.
The “Three time paragraph” is a bit confusing; I think the order, if changed, would have made a bigger impact.
Great story and a fun read. Proof reading it another time would help your score.


Author: Hhourani
Story: The Rabbit Killer
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Overall: 11*

Review
Another great story but not as visual as I would like. I don’t know if cutting and pasting it moved your paragraphs around but they were off.
Some of your sentences had to many commas where it was the same thought without pause. Each pause took away the impact and flow. 
When the father died in battle, it feels like it was the battle with the rabbit. A small change mentioning war or location would make it visual.
Great job!


Author: rcallaci
Story: 12 O’clock Midnight
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
*Overall: 17*

Review
Cool read, I enjoyed that including the subtle reference to madness tied in with a gas chamber.
The second paragraph could of used a reference to a demon. It was clear they were dead but it would increase the visual and increase the torment he felt.
Everything else was really good, great job!


Author: ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
Story: Not included
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Overall: 12*

Review
Missed title and word count, maybe a cut and paste issue? 
Good snap shot of a longer story, it makes me want to know more about what is going on. 
Katya could use a bit more of a description, the just woke up confused and sad did not ring true. A few words maybe about age or physical description would help.
Arimina confused me a bit, after reading again it appears she sleeps through this exchange.
The line “Don’t be. Amen, I say. War belongs in hell.” Needs a bit of something to make it flow better?
Good story and I think the topic is there but needs a bit more to pop.
Great job!


Author: LizzAquarian
Story: Grab the hose
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Overall: 9*

Review
I think the biggest issue here is in the formatting, looks like your transfer did not go well. It’s hard to judge if this is all relating to that or mistakes from the original.
I found a few spelling mistakes and words without spaces format maybe?
The story read a bit random jumping around; the flow was not there.
Overall a good effort that scores worse because of the format.


Author: Dubhthaigh
Story: The Burden of Guilt
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

Review
Great story with a great twist at the end, I think you had all the sins in that one!
This was a great visual read that flowed nicely but did not have a spell binding impact.
Well done!


Author: kilroy214
Story: Franklin Finally Flips
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18

Review
This hit home as someone was stealing food from our work fridge, I may just post this and put it on the fridge!
The story was fun and it really got into the victims feelings from the fitness/health to treat cravings then death.
Great job and imagination!


Author: midnightpoet
Story: The Kid
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

Review
This story reminded me of some articles I had read coming out of various war zones. You made this your own by personalizing it with a first person perspective.


Author: Riptide
Story: Why Can’t I remember?
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18

Review
Guilt and regret came across loud and clear.
The scene was in a car and is very visual; you used almost all the senses.
Your story came across very well and drew me in deep.
Great job, I learned a lot with this piece.


Author: Meteli
Story: Guilt and Gullible
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 13

Review
Interesting story which most of us can relate to in one way or another. I have a doozy that happened to me!
I found some grammar issues in the use of paragraphs and thoughts. This could be solved with editing, not difficult.
The word “I” was also standing out, looking at the story without reading makes it stand out more. Find some options to mix up the word a bit.
Great story, well done!


Author: Sleepwriter
Story: Broken
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19

Review
Hard to read due to topic, this is a powerful piece we can all relate to. I have seen first hand the effects of drunk driving but not from this perspective.
This is a good example of the story jumping off the page. I felt the guilt; sadness and remorse tied into the visual setting you provided us.
Great job on the story, I really hope this is fiction. 


Author: tdelozier
Story: Corroded
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Overall: 13*
Review
This was hard to catch up to the scene with; I knew the plot but could not visualize the victim or patient. This would be hard to do with such a short story but is worth mentioning.
Adding content around the patient would add more feeling to this story. It’s a bit too flat without this.
Overall a great story that little tweaks would increase the score easily.
Well done!


Author: joshybo
Story: What Was Left Unsaid
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
*Overall: 17*

Review
Great story and I really like the conversation method, great lesson thanks!
This is a great take on our subject title.
Flow, visual imagery and story came together really well transferring from the wife to hospital bed smoothly. The regret is felt as is the grief tinged by a lifetime of guilt. Women are smart, she knows or at the very least suspects yet understands and accepts.
Great job!


Author: J Anfinson
Story: Control
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Overall: 13*

Review
Very good story, a few small changes would increase the visual impact by adding description to the characters. You did include basics but changing it a bit would help. You say “Big Guy” but “towering or giant” has more impact. You say “$350 call girl” can you expand? How about, my customers love my slim hips, big boobs and blonde hair; they say I am a steal at $350 a trick. I know that does not fit but you get an image of what she looks like. As she tries to escape you can see her torn mini dress, broken nails, running make up and messed hair without it being said.
Great story!


Author: Inkwellness
Story: The Long Walk Home
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Overall: 12*

Review
PTSD is a very real and greatly underrated problem not seen in normal society, this piece helps to make it public.
As powerful as the story is the impact is not here, I could see the wife and son but not the killed father. They may have been in the first battle together or could have been kids growing up together. Why is the question, if it’s a random guy then its a bit much to feel the guilt, best long term friend then absolutely.
The battle also did not pop; it needed more description to provide that impact. Maybe, we were stuck in the hut; the smell of cordite was thick in the air only broken up by shock waves of the bombs dropping and bullets whipping past our heads. Visual you can mention spent brass all over the floor, family details could include father-mother-son in robes cowering under the broken bed.
Great story, even better with a few small changes!
[/spoiler2]


Please report any errors as soon as you spot them.


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## midnightpoet (Jun 27, 2015)

Thanks to all the judges.

My intent was to show the soldiers returning from war, celebrated with pomp and circumstance (star-spangled day; flags flying, bands playing - it was intended as sarcasm)) contrasted with the soldiers themselves, broken in body and spirit and loaded with guilt and horrible burdens.  I didn't intend to show the bonding between the father and son (we both killed) as anything positive - in that I may have failed.  I didn't serve, I was half-deaf and flat footed.  

I actually got the inspiration listening to an old video of Liam Clancy singing "And the band played Waltzing Matilda," another story of soldiers returning home to celebration wounded and bloody.  Which reminds me, I didn't mean "bloody mess" literally, I was thinking of the British "bloody" for some reason.  

Folcro, I may not always agree with you but I do respect your opinion; in this case you were mostly right. Getting it all in 650 words is something I just have to keep working on.


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## joshybo (Jun 27, 2015)

Thank you to all the judges for taking the time to give such a thorough review, as usual.  And thanks even more for not destroying me for such a blatant misspelling.  I still don't know how that happened, Lol.  I appreciate your kindness.  All of your suggestions are appreciated and accurate, and I will take them into consideration for future submissions.

Congratulations to my co-winner, bob!  Excellent work, sir, and I'm glad to share this victory with you!

Congratulations also to Musichal and Sleepwriter!  Both of your pieces were very well done.  Competing against writers such as yourselves is what makes this competition so enjoyable.


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## Dubhthaigh (Jun 27, 2015)

In from the pub and log on to see if the scores are up, my buzz has turned to a mild hummm :tongue:

Sound judges, a lot to think on  yer work is appreciated.

Congratulations to our winners. Well deserved.


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## Harper J. Cole (Jun 27, 2015)

Can I check my mark from Folcro? It says 13 in the table but 16 in the comments.


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## musichal (Jun 27, 2015)

Well, congrats Josh and bob!  I really enjoyed your stories.  The Judges provided useful and insightful feedback;  definitely a positive experience. Kind of you to say, Josh.


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## midnightpoet (Jun 27, 2015)

I just noticed Puralized gave me a 16, chart shows 12.  Not complaining, you might want to recheck.  I think Puralized and amsawtells scores were switched in the chart.


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## joshybo (Jun 27, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> Can I check my mark from Folcro? It says 13 in the table but 16 in the comments.


Good eye.  It looks like Tom's score may have been mistaken for yours in the table, I suppose.


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## Sleepwriter (Jun 27, 2015)

Congrats to Joshybo and Rcallaci!!     

Thank you to all the judges for the feedback.

Folcro,  I'm still working on letting those evil cliche's go.  I'll get there one day soon.    My compulsion to explain.... I understand and know what you mean, will work on the elimination.

Pluralized,  I'm not sure that the "had" needs to be a "has".   When writing a story about guilt, how is having a child die a no-no.  I would have no greater guilt if my child died because of something stupid I did.   I did think about and even wrote one version with the happier scene in it, but I just didn't want to keep it in.

Bevo,  Pure fiction.  No people were harmed during the creation of this story.


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## Pluralized (Jun 27, 2015)

Congrats winners - good show to everyone else. 

Sleepwriter - it is your prerogative to kill whomever you wish.  I calls 'em like I sees 'em, is all.


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 27, 2015)

Hey, my apologies, it looks like a bit of a mix up with some of the scores. Electrical black outs, being on the road, and being abnormally busy has interfered with the process. I will get this cleared up as soon as possible.

UPDATE: It looks like some of amsawtell's and Pluralized's scores were switched somewhere down the list. They are corrected. My apologies HarperCole for downgrading your score from Folcro. It has been updated as well as your averages. The scores appear to be overall unaffected by these errors.


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## TKent (Jun 27, 2015)

Congrats to all of the winners and participants. And a huge thanks to our judges. The amount of time that is put into the judging is so cool


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## rcallaci (Jun 27, 2015)

I thank the judges and all the writers in the LM. I'm pleasantly surprised by the results- great stories everyone...


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## J Anfinson (Jun 28, 2015)

Ouch. I'll have to go lick these wounds after this. Congrats to the winners and thanks to the judges. Great comments.


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## LizzAquarian (Jun 28, 2015)

Thanks for the fun! Congrats to everyone. I am looking forward to more contests! The feedback is very valuable to me


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## Harper J. Cole (Jun 28, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners and thanks to the judges! I struggled a bit with fitting things into the word limit, which led to most of the problems you mentioned in one way or another. All part of the learning curve ...


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## Guy Faukes (Jun 28, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> Congratulations to the winners and thanks to the judges! I struggled a bit with fitting things into the word limit, which led to most of the problems you mentioned in one way or another. All part of the learning curve ...



It's a very steep learning curve to hash out a plot with so few words, but you did very well this round. I'd give yourself a pat on the back.


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## inkwellness (Jun 29, 2015)

Congratulations to all the winners. Well done! And a big thanks to the judges for your hard work. It's some really good competition


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## Bevo (Jun 29, 2015)

That was great fun and I was happy to see I was not out to lunch with my marks, comments and scores.

Giddy up lets go again!


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## Meteli (Jun 30, 2015)

Congrtas to all winners. 

My entry was a coloured, simplified tale of my own experiences as an exchange student in Scotland, with a different ending: I saw that this scamming was a lifestyle choice for a mother and daughter, mom got the money for alcohol from women, and daughter got money for whatever she was using it for from men. I first gave money to the mother, saw what she had used it on, then saw mom and daugher together walking around in the city, and then saw the daughter telling some sob story for a young man, and the same scene other times as well. The mother also asked me for money second time too, and when I said I had nothing to give, money is too tight to mention, she tried to guilt trip me for "using it all on yourself". I could have said something about her using it on alcohol, but did not, I might have lost the verbal spat even though I knew what she was doing. She was so good with her words and especially the acting, and english is not my first language of choice to battle with words.

Both were well dressed, they did not look homeless, that is why I called the woman a "lady".

I do not think the issue why the mother chose me was that I was looking wealthy, I had and still do have a childish looking face with glasses for bookish flavour and long untretated hair for "flowerchild" vibes. If you need to scam someone to get money, the people that look wealthy are not a good choise, they probably do use their money on themselves so that they do not have anything for you.


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