# Opening Paragraph Hook



## ClosetWriter (Feb 19, 2015)

I am well into writing my second book. I have spent hundreds of hours researching, but I haven't really had to because my story is my life. I feel very confident that I will be able to convey my message. I have a 'thing' about that 'opening hook.' It has to be perfect; short, but perfect. Could you guys let me know what you think about this as the open paragraph of one of my chapters? This was my approach in explaining my competitive nature, and how I intended to use it in my fight.

Thanks,

~Dave (ClosetWriter)


*Warming Up*

*A*s a former high school football coach I know how important it is to warm up before the competition begins. The reason you do that is not _just_ to warm your muscles as a way to help prevent injury. You also do it, so that you can perform at the optimal level right from the start. This prevents you from falling behind. Falling behind does not mean you can’t still win, but it does make you work that much harder to catch up. ‘Terminal’ cancer is a worthy opponent, and should be respected as such. I needed to warm up.


Thanks!


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## bazz cargo (Feb 19, 2015)

Hi Dave,
this works for me. I will have a ponder and see what else I can think up.


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## Deafmute (Feb 19, 2015)

I liked it. You start building your background and personality right away, and then you hit them with the hook. last line was great. I would look at the first sentence though. It's a bit clunky. Maybe shorten it up. Just say start with something like. "It's always important to warm up." Then go on to say you were a coach etc...


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## Riis Marshall (Feb 19, 2015)

Hello Closet

It looks like a great start. I agree our opening paragraphs must be punchy - must hook the reader.

But think about this:

See if you can tell a story in this first paragraph that encapsulates your entire book in a metaphor. Maybe a story about a big, ugly opponent that scared the s*** out of you but whom you were determined to beat - and eventually did.

Perhaps I can best illustrate this point with one I've suggested here before. Go onto Amazon and check out _All the King's Men_ by Robert Penn Warren. You don't have to buy the book, you can look at the opening paragraphs online. He very skillfully encapsulated his entire story in the first couple of paragraphs using the metaphor of a highway running through Louisiana (I should warn you the text in the vernacular of 1948 is clearly not PC by our standards today).

Go for it.

All the best with your writing.

Warmest regards
Riis


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## cassie30 (Mar 1, 2015)

As someone who tries to exercise every other day  I too know the importance of the warm up.


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## EmmaSohan (Mar 1, 2015)

1. The information about warming muscles doesn't work. I don't need it -- the point is not to fall behind (and the reasons why warming up help don't matter in this paragraph.)

2. There is a lot to be said for personalizing. Which you are doing, but you can do more. Up to you, of course.

As a high school football coach, I always had my boys warm up. I wanted them.....

3. I am not sure where you are going with this, but I punch the transition from football to cancer. New paragraph: "I didn't get a warm up for my terminal cancer."

I think your overall idea here -- football as an analogy, then cancer -- is GREAT.

I really sincerely wish you the best.

Emma


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## denmark423 (Mar 18, 2015)

You have a great opening hook. Every reader would understand a story even just reading an opening paragraph like yours.


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## InnerFlame00 (Mar 18, 2015)

I agree that it reads a little clunky, but the analogy is good. I think if you shorten it just a bit, it could work better. The last three sentences are gold, no need to tweak those at all.


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## Phil Istine (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi ClosetWriter.  I agree that a good hook is important but I don't think that one would work for me.  However, it possibly would work for someone who has had an experience with cancer or who is more sports orientated than myself.  I've little writing experience but I try to keep a hook more generic - to draw in the maximum number of readers.  Being punchy AND generic can be tricky I feel.  Although it's non-fiction, maybe a little embellishment can be used?

The sort of thing that might work for me:

Doctor Forster peered at me from behind his notes.
"I'm afraid it's not good news," he said. 
<optional>My mind was racing.  What could be wrong?</optional>
It _is _cancer", he paused - *<optional, maybe too long-winded>*that very long pause that happens when people seem to be playing word search in their heads*</optional, maybe too long-winded> *"and I'm afraid that it may be difficult to treat."
He grimaced.
*<brief *_*description of that hollow, empty feeling that hits around the time of first getting a shock, stomach somewhere around knee level, with the rest of what he says seeming to come from some place outside of the room to some place in the distance>*
_I had fought many battles in my life ... <maybe mention sports and football amongst another battle or two>
************************************

Even people who haven't sat across a table from a doctor in such a situation would probably relate to those feelings during the long pause when about to receive shock news and that out of body feeling that happens straight after. 
Obviously a hook is in the eye of a beholder.

NOTE:  I am an inexperienced writer.  However, I have read a fair bit so I have written the above from the possible perspective of a reader.  I believe that your hook would work well for many people but I'm a bit of a drama queen so maybe need something a bit more dramatic


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## tmason (Mar 21, 2015)

ClosetWriter said:


> *Warming Up*
> 
> *A*s a former high school football coach I know how important it is to warm up before the competition begins. The reason you do that is not _just_ to warm your muscles as a way to help prevent injury. You also do it, so that you can perform at the optimal level right from the start. This prevents you from falling behind. Falling behind does not mean you can’t still win, but it does make you work that much harder to catch up. ‘Terminal’ cancer is a worthy opponent, and should be respected as such. I needed to warm up.



My take, a little shorter:

As a former football coach you know how important it is to warm up before the game begins. You need to get your muscles warmed up to prevent injury and to be optimal; right from the start. This prevents you from falling behind. Falling behind does not mean you can’t still win, but it does make you work that much harder to catch up. ‘Terminal’ cancer is a worthy opponent, and should be respected as such. I needed to warm up.


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