# Silver Fish



## SilverMoon (Jul 11, 2010)

Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

Bathing near rocks toothed by Atlaua’s touch,
water god making merry, his win over deities; 
begins waters to chuckle and churn the silver fish.

Purple slipped clouds mate then pass,
showing nine months, birthing baby showers,
before the wedding of the gale and rain sheet.

The greed of waves swallow the shore
using up sand castles, shovels and shells.
The hurricane of the season descrying Atlaua’s feat.

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays,
causes me to wonder about the lot of the silver fish
and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightning,

When silver fish were golden in waters beneath the sun 
and we, wishing our footprints were set in the sand, 
where we made love furiously before Atlaua's glee.


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## Linton Robinson (Jul 11, 2010)

This is really nice.
I don't have much to say about poetry here, but thought I'd mention it.

Also:


> Atlaua’s


different spelling from later



> wishing our footprints


wished our footprints,   right?


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## SilverMoon (Jul 11, 2010)

lin, I did mean "wishing" i.e. "we, wishing..." I should have placed a comma to make it clearer.
Still punctuation challenged but a work in progress.

Great eagle's eye catching "Atlaua". A fix. Thank you and for enjoying the read. Laurie


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## Gumby (Jul 11, 2010)

Very beautiful images here Laurie. My favorites:



> Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
> like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
> to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.
> 
> ...



Very nice work!


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## SilverMoon (Jul 12, 2010)

lin and Cindy, thank you for reading and for your comments. Much appreciated. Laurie :wink:


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## You Wont Know Me (Jul 13, 2010)

Ah yes, I see what you mean. There is wonderful imagery in this.

I particularly enjoyed 



> like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
> to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.


and the waves being described as greedy - brilliant!

I saw some minor grammar issues in this stanza



> My window, peppered with salty and icy sprays,
> cause me to wonder about the lot of the silver fish
> and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightening,


Did you perhaps mean 'caused' and 'lightened'?

Of course, this does little to detract from what was a worthy read.

Why are the shovels yellow, by the way? What's the meaning behind the colour?


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## SilverMoon (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks, YWKM. Forgive the white space before text. Just scroll down. Some kind of problem going on.


> when our eyes were storms and kisses lightening.


Using a figure of speech. Metaphor: an implied comparison between two things.

The shovels are yellow to suggest that they are the plastic shovels used by children on the beach. Without, inluding "yellow" it could be any old shovel. I addition, I wanted to add a little colour!

Thank you so much. Am glad you enjoyed the imagery. Laurie


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## Chesters Daughter (Jul 13, 2010)

This is a departure from the norm, wonderful to see you branching out. I'm pouting, you've inverted salty and peppered, still works though. Fabulous imagery and I especially love the originality of S3. Two tiny typos, lightning and you missed the last a in the final Atlaua. You need to insert that comma in "we, wishing" in the last stanza. The mental visuals were breathtaking, Laurie, I enjoyed this piece heaps.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 13, 2010)

Thank you, Lisa this is a departure from my norm. Experimenting away. I can always count on you to point out even the smallest problems which will be promptly fixed. Glad you enjoyed. Laurie


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## un named (Jul 13, 2010)

these are my favorite lines, and you imagery is wow, just wow.

Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightning


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## SilverMoon (Jul 13, 2010)

HA! My two favorites. Getting a double WOW is the best yet! Thank you, un named.


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## huni (Jul 15, 2010)

Nice one here - glad to read it silvermoon. You make lovely images. I love the sounds (I'm a sound nut   ) of lines like this one.
The greed of waves swallow the shore

The line with the salty - icy sprays - not so smooth to me, I want to read;

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays,

one more thing  only because this is really so good. Descrying - are you so in love with it you can't live without it? Most people reading it today would read decrying and put another meaning or miss it altogether, I wonder if spying, or if you want a more archaic sound, espying - would do better here. ah ignore me if it's way off - okay  thanks for a great read.

regards huni.


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## You Wont Know Me (Jul 15, 2010)

Ah, I see! Haha yellow certainly did have a nice effect, and in my mind at least the intended effect. I wonder why I hadn't realised before that the shovels I imagined were child-like, not those more seriously used.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 15, 2010)

huni, thanks. 

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays, I had that in mind in the beginning, wrote it and then changed it to my friend's regret. Now, I think I will be putting it back in. I don't know the reason why I changed it in the first place but I must have had my reasons. Will have to go over again and make damn sure it fits in because it "is" more effective, highlighting the play on words.

Descrying - are you so in love with it you can't live without it? huni, can't live without it. When I read poetry, sometimes I have to look up a word. And I think that's a good thing unless I'm having to look up every other word! That's just pure pomposity.

I'm glad to hear that you liked the "sounds" in this poem. Writing about the ocean, this was my goal! To bring water to life. Laurie


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## SilverMoon (Jul 15, 2010)

YWKM, Guess what? Because of your feeback I gave some thought about the "yellow" shovel and decided it was rather condesencing to the reader. I speak of sand castles. It would make sense that the "shovel" would have to do with a child's plastic play thing. So, I eliminated "yellow" discovering it actually intereupted the line. So thank you for your question. You've helped improve my poem. Laurie


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## You Wont Know Me (Jul 15, 2010)

I'm quite glad my question helped your poem reach closer to your ideal then


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## SilverMoon (Jul 15, 2010)

So, were both glad and that makes for a very fine day! Again, thanks much. ;-)


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## huni (Jul 15, 2010)

Of course -   it's your poem. You are right it's just one word and we should stretch as readers and writers. My only concern (because in fact I agree entirely with your philosophy here) is that when a word seems to come close to another meaning it is assumed (not necessarily correctly) and not checked by the reader, so your intent gets misconstrued. Not a good reason to mash poems into baby food though, so now I applaud your use of descry. . You did succeed with the 'sounds brining the ocean alive' goal then, that's for sure. huni


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## SilverMoon (Jul 16, 2010)

huni, I couldn't agree with you more when a word seems to come close to another meaning it is assumed (not necessarily correctly) and not checked by the reader, so your intent gets misconstrued. 

huni, I believe your speaking of homonyms.

[FONT=georgia,times new roman,times]*WORDS THAT BOTH SOUND THE SAME AND ARE SPELLED THE SAME* are both homonyms (same sound) and homographs (same spelling). Example: lie (untruth) and lie (prone); fair (county fair), fair (reasonable).[/FONT]
[FONT=georgia,times new roman,times][/FONT] 
[FONT=georgia,times new roman,times] 


[/FONT]


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## J.E. Blackworth (Jul 16, 2010)

I was going to pick my favourite lines, or an example of your excellent use of vivid imageries and words here, but... I simply couldn't. The whole poem is filled with them. So many beautiful words that create a rhythm that makes this poem very pleasurable to read out loud, too. The imagery is great - as many others seem to have stated already.

The atmosphere is dreamy, almost nostalgic more than romantic. But nostalgic... in a romantic way. (Well didn't that just make so much sense...)


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## Chesters Daughter (Jul 16, 2010)

Finally, someone said what I have been trying to put into words for what seems like a century. I could kiss you, J.E., your description of this piece fits a good deal of Laurie's work and is what I find so attractive about it. Your words make a heap of sense and allowed me to finally find my own. Laurie, your pieces unfold in my mind like sepia hued films, quite nostalgic and a quality I find ever so pleasurable. Wow, it feel great to finally be able to put that into words. Forgive me my excitement, that's been nagging at me for months. Okay, gush over.:wink:


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## SilverMoon (Jul 16, 2010)

J.E. and Lisa, Thank you so much for your generous words. Now, I'll have to humble myself and see if I can fit my head though the door. In all seriousness, what you've had to say is a great confidence builder!
Thank you both, again. Laurie


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## wacker (Jul 17, 2010)

There is not a lot I can add to what has already been mentioned about your poem Laurie. I like the rest of the responses have really enjoyed this piece of work and the credits and remarks are really deserved. It was a truly inspirational poem.

wacker


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## SilverMoon (Jul 17, 2010)

Thank you, wacker. All this validation has been great for this poet, somtimes unsure. Laurie


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## vangoghsear (Jul 18, 2010)

I liked this one Laurie.  I wrote up a long response and lost it by my login timing out a few days back.  I finally got back to try again.  My only crit is that some of the words don't fit with the mood as I see it.  The one that bothers me most though actually paints what I believe to be a decent picture of what you are describing.  "Snaky" is the word.  The scene you've painted is pleasant, but snaky...well the motion is perfect, but...it brings snakes to mind.  But it fits so well in the alliteration and the motion it describes is fine, so I can't come up with a better suggestion.  However, if you wanted a hint of sinister in the piece, which you sometimes do, then snaky is again perfect.

Overall the language is beautiful and the piece is very sensual.


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## SilverMoon (Jul 18, 2010)

van, I hate when I loose responses so I appreciate you taking the time to recap. While I was writing, I gave "snaky" some long thought. Then decided it would work, fitting in with the image of "Brazilian hips" and the remainder of the poem, where I do bring in the sensual. But "snake" is a strong word and possibly overpowering. I hear what you're saying but like yourself I'm at a loss for a better word! And lol I can't help but bring in the sinister! Thanks so much, van, for your attention to my poem. You know I always find your feedback invaluable. Laurie


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