# thirty minutes left to live



## JFSurvivor (Feb 22, 2015)

*[FONT=Noto Sans, Arial, sans-serif]I originally wrote this in another forum but decided to bring it over here for some critique. The other forum is a Christian writing forum and there was a prompt that said, "write about what you would do if you had 30 minutes to live". Well I kinda used a fictional character and blended them with parts of myself. Anyway what do you think? [/FONT]
*
_"How long do I have?" I asked the doctor._

He looked down and fidgeted with his Rolex watch. "Um...well about thirty minutes," he stuttered.

"What?" I said softly.

"I'm sorry..." was all the doctor said and walked away.

I looked at my watch. It was exactly 10:00. I walked out of the hospital and sat on a bench. I felt the warm sun against my flesh and realized this was the last time ever I would feel that again. I began to think about my friends and family. I so wished I could call them or compose some sort of letter expressing my gratitude but there simply wasn't enough time to do that for all of them. 

I began to think about the after-life and what that may be like. I thought about the eternal bliss I would feel walking into heaven and seeing my savior right there in front of me. It's funny really. I am going to get to meet the man who literally died for me. Suddenly my death became very real to me. In a very short amount of time I was going to meet the man who actually suffered a horrific death for me. I was going to be able to tell him everything I ever wanted to face-to-face. 

My thoughts turned back to my loved ones who would be left here on earth. I took out my cell phone and began scrolling through my contacts. Tears came to my eyes as I clicked on the "home" button.

"Hello?" My mothers voice said.

"Mom?" I said, "can you put me on speaker? I need to talk to both you and dad."

"Sure honey. What's wrong?" I could hear the concern in her voice. 

I looked at my watch. It was 10:05. "Nothing's wrong." I lied.

"Hello," I heard my dad say.

"I just wanted to call to say I love you guys and thank you for being such wonderful parents," I said choking back tears. 

"Oh well we love you too," Mom said, "Are you sure everything's ok?"

"Yeah," I said and hung up. 

I leaned back, pressing my spine against the back of the bench and thought some more. I thought about what I could have done differently in my life, however it was too late for regrets. I pushed those thoughts away and tried to think if there was anyone else I needed to call. 

I thought and thought and realized that most of the friends I made, weren't really friends. I remembered how when they would go out to eat they wouldn't really include me in the conversations. I realized that I could never really be open and honest with them about anything. 

The loneliness began to settle in and almost wished I was dead. Then a still small voice said to me, "You will never be lonely again. You are my dearly loved child and I will see you soon."


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## KJay (Feb 22, 2015)

There is something very reassuring about this piece. If I was told I had only thirty minutes to live, I would probably do exactly as this person did. I am not a Christian, but I might contemplate what happens next... I would probably make that same phone call and while the rest of time away just thinking about things


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## MillennialWriter (Feb 22, 2015)

This is something.

I work in the medical field.  Telling the patient that he has thirty minutes to live can be unrealistic and unethical.  Usually a patient like this is lying on the bed fighting for his life, not outside.But anyway this is fiction, so...

I love the way how you shorten sentences instead of making them run-on.  You also did a great job of making paragraphs shorter yet maintaining the flow of the story.  Overall this is a great piece.


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## Yumi Koizumi (Feb 22, 2015)

MillennialWriter said:


> This is something.
> 
> I work in the medical field.  Telling the patient that he has thirty minutes to live can be unrealistic and unethical.



What if it's a bomb on a timer? Or Death row? or... <_someone more imaginative insert something here_>?

In fiction, the result of any number of things (think Logan's run-ish as well) could cause a very precise, known poison to do it's thing-something refined over many years to be exact & precise (like any "civil" society would do).

Is there some pretense to the story that rules any/all of that out?



Another way this can be practical (knowing how long to live) is from The Obsolete Man


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## MamaStrong (Feb 22, 2015)

I enjoyed this, though wanted to cry with how sad it was. Especially when you started talking about the character's friends. I also wanted to smack the character for not telling their parents the truth and just hanging up.  Very well written and easy to read. Great job!


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## T. R. Slone (Feb 22, 2015)

Very good piece, I enjoyed the way this story just seemed to flow and even though it is short you can relate to how this character feels when you take the time to think about it.


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## Docbad (Feb 24, 2015)

I liked this little story a lot, very thought provoking. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it felt to me like this was less of a "could happen" type fiction and more... metaphorical? Not exactly the right word, but yeah, it sounds like the reason for which he had thirty minutes to live is far less important that what he did with those thirty minutes. And I like the last line, I hope when my time comes a little voice will help me out like that  Good job on making me think, man!


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## Burroughs (Feb 24, 2015)

I enjoyed this piece. A few people have said it is unrealistic to be told you have thirty minutes to live, this is true, however I liked you did that. Very thought provoking


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## patskywriter (Feb 24, 2015)

This is a good story. But do you feel that we'd get a better sense of the horror of time running out if he called his parents at the 28-minute mark? I can imagine if this happened to me, I'd think of everyone I'd want to say goodbye to and what I'd say, while thoughts of pleasure and regret flood my mind. I'd be completely lost in thought and would look up, horrified that 28 minutes had been "wasted." That call to the parents would seem much more poignant and emotionally desperate. What do you think about this?


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## JFSurvivor (Feb 24, 2015)

patskywriter said:


> This is a good story. But do you feel that we'd get a better sense of the horror of time running out if he called his parents at the 28-minute mark? I can imagine if this happened to me, I'd think of everyone I'd want to say goodbye to and what I'd say, while thoughts of pleasure and regret flood my mind. I'd be completely lost in thought and would look up, horrified that 28 minutes had been "wasted." That call to the parents would seem much more poignant and emotionally desperate. What do you think about this?



I think you made a very good point and I like the idea! I'm going to re-work it at some point and see if I can use your idea. Thanks!


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## Toot Sweets (Feb 25, 2015)

Cool take on an interesting prompt JFSurvivor. I agree that this story felt a little too comfortable/relaxed (considering the grim circumstance of impending death) and could use a touch of desperation, or at least a stronger sense of anxiousness. I certainly wouldn't want to see it carried too far either though, an overload of drama can spoil anything. But if you could add just a bit more urgency to the plot I think the tranquility of your conclusion would shine even brighter. 

Then again, I haven't died before so perhaps I shouldn't talk about how anxious a person should or shouldn't feel at death. Personally, when I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep. I know most people don't feel the same way though.


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## inkwellness (Feb 27, 2015)

This was very uplifting and a reminder that "everything works for good...". I enjoyed this post today. I especially liked the fact that it is thought provoking.

Thanks!


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## Mickd (Mar 1, 2015)

Well done. I really liked your use of dialogue. You have a nice writing style.


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## Ideduce (Mar 9, 2015)

I think I would have done the same, but he didn't call friends. Didn't skype. Didn't go someplace he'd like to see before he died. I see he's lonely. Keeps things from even his parent, and yet I think if someone were to actually be dying they'd tell someone. Wouldn't they? 30 minutes, well we saw maybe 15. Maybe he did something else with the rest of the 15 minutes. I'm curious. As unrealistic as it is. I think I would have written somewhere 'Goodbye I was happy no one worry.' or something. He sheltered people from his death but he'd have to know in that amount of time that they'd be told about it at some point. Hm. I think I want the doomed protagonist to do one last thing before he gives in. I want to see him fight a little. Though maybe that's the realistic part of this piece I like. Sometimes you can't fight it. Maybe him moving around so much and not showing the signs of death throw me off a little. I think you can make this a bit more heart wrenching or something. I think what I"m trying to say is it lacks something, but it has room for that something. Whatever it is that you'd like it to be. Good luck!


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## TDKoon (Mar 9, 2015)

It sounded like this character may have perhaps fought their impending death before the call but this came after the point of resignation. The understanding that they were going to die and there was nothing they could do about it. I loved that they didn't tell their parents, not that they were being dishonest. It felt to me as if the character were attempting to shield them from the pain, the suffering and the worry that comes with knowing a loved one is going to pass with absolute certainty.

With that being said there something that I would bring up to increase the sense of urgency if that's the feel you were shooting for with this piece.

Break.

It.

Up.

That was an example, see how your brain hits those words words rythmically? It creates a feel of tension or a fast moving dialogue or action. You can use this technique at any point you're looking for freneticism in a story. Such as using it here.

I looked at my watch.

_10:05
_
"Nothing's wrong." I lied.

Alternatively if you were looking for a sense of calmness and serenity in the character, you nailed it.


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## MHarding53 (Mar 9, 2015)

I found this story to be profoundly disturbing. Said another way, it was very well written and left me with a sence of disquite wondering WHY he only had 30 minutes to live. Nicely done.


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## scd250 (Mar 10, 2015)

"How long do I have?" I asked the doctor. *Good opening that immediately gets me interested in what's going on.*


He looked down and fidgeted with his Rolex watch. "Um...well about thirty minutes," he stuttered. *Oof.*


"What?" I said softly. *There should be more reaction here, I feel like. If someone told me I had 30 minutes to live I would be freaking the hell out, not saying 'what' softly.*


"I'm sorry..." was all the doctor said and walked away. *Why did the doctor just walk off? Why is he dying? This should be expounded up more. I also think the ellipses should be shortened to a period.*


I looked at my watch. It was exactly 10:00. I walked out of the hospital and sat on a bench. I felt the warm sun against my flesh and realized this was the last time ever I would feel that again. I began to think about my friends and family. I so wished I could call them or compose some sort of letter expressing my gratitude but there simply wasn't enough time to do that for all of them. *I would like this passage to have more feeling. Something about it feels a little cold and distant.*


I began to think about the after-life and what that may be like. I thought about the eternal bliss I would feel walking into heaven and seeing my savior right there in front of me. It's funny really. I am going to get to meet the man who literally died for me. Suddenly my death became very real to me. In a very short amount of time I was going to meet the man who actually suffered a horrific death for me. I was going to be able to tell him everything I ever wanted to face-to-face. *This paragraph is very repetitive and uses 'for me' a lot. It also seems a little cold and distant like the paragraph before it. I'd like it almost to be a little less detached.*


My thoughts turned back to my loved ones who would be left here on earth. I took out my cell phone and began scrolling through my contacts. Tears came to my eyes as I clicked on the "home" button. *I like this a lot. Show, don't tell. You're doing it.*


"Hello?" My mothers voice said. *Perfect.*


"Mom?" I said, "can you put me on speaker? I need to talk to both you and dad." *Remove 'I said' and the sentence will flow better.*


"Sure honey. What's wrong?" I could hear the concern in her voice. *Now you are telling. Show me the mom is concerned. Don't just tell me she is.*


I looked at my watch. It was 10:05. "Nothing's wrong." I lied. *I like this. It shows the passage of time without outright shoving it in our face that he's preoccupied with it. *


"Hello," I heard my dad say. *"my dad said" works better. *


"I just wanted to call to say I love you guys and thank you for being such wonderful parents," I said choking back tears. *This implies he actually said the phrase 'choking back tears' and needs either a comma or to be reworded.*


"Oh well we love you too," Mom said, "Are you sure everything's ok?" *Remove 'mom said'.*


"Yeah," I said and hung up. *Doesn't need dialogue tag. Most people use too many dialogue tags and you seem to fall into that camp.*


I leaned back, pressing my spine against the back of the bench and thought some more. I thought about what I could have done differently in my life, however it was too late for regrets. I pushed those thoughts away and tried to think if there was anyone else I needed to call. *You are telling again. How does the hospital smell? How does his body feel? Does he feel sick? Weak? Panicky? *


I thought and thought and realized that most of the friends I made, weren't really friends. I remembered how when they would go out to eat they wouldn't really include me in the conversations. I realized that I could never really be open and honest with them about anything. *Show me how this happened.*


The loneliness began to settle in and almost wished I was dead. Then a still small voice said to me, "You will never be lonely again. You are my dearly loved child and I will see you soon." *I sort of like this.

Summary:

This is pretty alright but could use a lot more descriptive phrasing. You do a lot of telling me what the character thinks and feels, which leaves me feeling very detached. I would feel better about this if you described the scents, smells, sounds of the hospital instead. This is a pretty good piece but could use some polishing up.*


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## MrKeen (Mar 13, 2015)

this was really interesting. I don't describe myself as a religious person but it offers a sense of hope through morbidity that is not often expressed.


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## New2writing (Mar 14, 2015)

I find this piece inspiring.

 Not only has this piece reminded me to appreciate every moment that I have, but it has also potentially changed the direction slightly of a story which is brewing in my mind. 
Thank you. 

I feel that you have simplified an otherwise complicated situation, your writing style seems to follow this trend although it remains descriptive enough to be able to imagine what is read. I think that we tend to overly-complicate a great deal more than is necessary (Take cooking as an example! What's nicer, the 100-ingrediate microwave meal or mum's home-made 4-ingredient quiche?!!)

I'd LOVE to read how each one of us writers would approach this piece!!!


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## chase1423 (Sep 15, 2015)

Hmm, wow, honestly such a deep work of art. That gets anyone who reads it think what would _we_ do with thirty minutes left to live. Honestly, myself, I have no clue what I'd do, that's something that would happen on the spot. Thinking about it would not relate to what would actually happen. I guess I'd react the same as this character if it ever occurred to me that within thirty minutes I'd be dead. I'd spend a little more time talking to my parents and maybe send a little text to past/current loved ones, but do it very nonchalantly. I probably would feel I cheated a couple of people but thirty minutes is such a short amount of time if you think about it. I'd also go to the happiest place I could think of within that radius of time to die in a setting where I'd feel happiest (well happiest that could be reached from thirty minutes from the hospital.) Glad I stumbled upon this!


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Sep 18, 2015)

A short story which packs a lot in. I love the subject matter and it really got me thinking as to what I would do in the same situation. It hit all the emotions and reflections in life; family, friends, not really friends. An excellent view point from the eyes of a Christian and a beautiful ending to a disturbing scenario if actually presented to any of us. Thanks for sharing.


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