# Josie Nash (Short Story) (424 Words) (So Far)



## CrimsonAngel223 (Jul 14, 2017)

Josie cut herself, she contacted members of her family for help, she couldn’t control herself. She had cuts and bruises all over her Caucasian arms. Tearing up she dialed quickly with her shaky fingers that she used to call.

“Hello mama, papa, I cut myself again.”

“You couldn’t stop yourself?” said the mom.

“You do have to go see a shrink about that. We’ll get home right away honey-bun.”

“Please do.” she said tearing up. “ There’s something else you should… know.”

“Shoot.” said the father.

“I may have an addiction to self-harming, thought I should tell you pop, not sure how I know but I do.” 

“WHAT!?”

The father hung up.

***

Josie discussed more about her self-harming issues to her parents at the oak round table in her house in Mississippi, it was the the morning. The sun had risen over their windows as rays of light streaked through their Terrence. Josie Darling Nash told them about going to an audition as she discovered her natural ability to sing opera.

“So what do you think?”

“I won’t allow it dear-” said the father.

“Why not papa?” said the mother to the husband.

“Your a country-girl, country-girls don’t sing no damn opera.”

“Well I watched some videos on you-tube about them, and then I just naturally got the hang of it, then boom! I could sing.”

“Go to your room.” said the father.

She slapped her father in the face in disgust.

“How dare you say that I can’t sing, y’all think I can’t do something different other than flaunting my cowboy hat around and belting like Kieth Urban?” she said. “And he’s Australian, AUSTRALIAN! What do you say to that pop?”

“Go to your room.” he replied in a higher tone of voice.

“I think you should let her, it’s her life.” said the mom.

“I’ll cut myself in there.” said Josie.

“Go ahead.” went the dad.

***

One early morning she snuck out from her bedroom and decided to go and do the audition to the number one talent show in America called the X Factor. There were many people lining up to perform for the judges as it was her turn through all of the hours that she spent in the freezing cold. It was her time to shine from all of the practice that she did before all of this cutting and hardship over her problems. She introduced herself to her mentors and sang.

Hopefully her singing at this program would make her feel good about the harming.


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## H.Brown (Jul 14, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Josie cut herself, she contacted members of her family for help, she couldn’t control herself. She had cuts and bruises all over her Caucasian arms. Tearing up she dialed quickly with her shaky fingers that she used to call. you don't need anything after shaky fingers, we already know she is calling someone.
> 
> “Hello mama, papa, I cut myself again.”
> 
> ...



Hi crimson so I have some questions. While reading this I began to add my critique however shortly after the begining I started to ask myself, have you ever self-harmed or studied up on people that have? As it is a very personal thing that not many talk about generally. However in your writing you seem to gloss over this aspect of self harm addiction, most feel ashamed of what they do. You have a very fast progression, what has spurred Josie to admit this to none other than her parents? Are they close? How long has this been going on? How long have her parents known? 

The conversation between the parents and Josie seems stilted and not like a realistic conversation of this magnitude. Josie seems very glib in her first line of speach, you don't need to say the cut if they already know about her self harming as they would know what she is refering to from past expirience, which is what you imply here.

Ask yourself would the parents be angry or let this emotion show or would they be concearned? Her mum and dad seem very angry with her.

You then jump to them sitting around a table, what happened with Josie's open cuts? What happened when tney got home? There is nothing that indears the reader to the protagonist or the other characters which is essential when telling a story. Just having her selfharm does not automatically make us wantbto know what happens to her.

Another thing is you begin with the admission of selfharm addiction then all of a sudden we are witnessing a different arguement, then suddenly things become violent. The narrative jumps around far too fast not letting the reader take in what is happening before something else comes up. I think that you have all these different ideas that all wanted to come out at once. This is not necessarily a bad thing however it is how all first drafts start. My advice is slow it all down, spend time getting your reader immersed in the action that is happening.

Again we come back to the protagonist using self harm in a very bold way by threatening her parents with it which to make makes her less atractive to the reader as she now comes across as manipulative, which is great in a villian character but it does not endear people to others. Ask yourself would you want to know her?

Then we jump again to the audition which I think should be the start of the another chapter.

Take more time, explain each scene more and make the reader want to know your characters and the world they live in. Then before long you will find that this extract will grow into something much bigger. Keep writing it though as I believe that it could be a good story.



P.s. Sorry for the essay of a critique.


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## SueC (Jul 22, 2017)

CrimsonAngel, interesting piece. One thing I have always found helpful, especially when there is a lot of dialogue, is to read it out loud. When doing that you can pick up on all the nuances that seem awkward and do not really add to the information you are trying to share. Your first sentence should give you some pointers. Also, I noticed that your punctuation is a little off - again that first sentence.

Josie cut herself. She contacted members of her family for help because she couldn[/FONT]’t control herself.

Was it necessary to include the word "Caucasian" in the second sentence? I think it's important for readers to feel akin with such a sensitive subject, and the ethnicity shouldn't really matter.

Good luck with this piece.


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## Avid Daydreamer (Sep 5, 2017)

Grim story my friend...

Dialogue needs to be smoothened out a bit if it's going to take up the bulk of the story.

Like Sue said, reading it out loud is helpful if not necessary.


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## Jack of all trades (Sep 5, 2017)

A few technical points, first.

When using "mama", "papa", and, "pop" as names, they should be capitalized. And there should be a comma separating the rest of the sentence from the name.



> Josie cut herself, she contacted members of her family for help, she couldn’t control herself. (The comnas should be semicolons or periods.) She had cuts and bruises all over her Caucasian arms. Tearing up she dialed quickly with her shaky fingers that she used to call.("that she used to call" is unnecessary)
> 
> “Hello(comma) mama(Mama), papa(Papa), I cut myself again.”
> 
> “You couldn’t stop yourself?” said the(should be "her") mom. (actually, I favor "her mom asked")



I have a question. How is she able to talk with both parents at the same time? It's not clear.

Does cutting leave bruises? Accidental cuts usually don't. I can't see intentional cuts being different. 

I could figure out who said what, but it would be better if you provided that information as part of the story.

The ending makes it sound like she has been singing opera for a while. And that's when she started cutting herself. Is that true? If it is, how did her parents react?

I like this idea. It just needs a bit more work. Maybe fix it up and post the new version in the prose workshop.

Good luck with this!


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## VonBradstein (Oct 15, 2017)

Hi...

I am not sure how old you are or how long you have been doing this for, but it needs some real work... 

I have put in some edits/general comments below because I would like to give you some detailed feedback and the piece is relatively short. Up to you if you would like to read them, but its there if you do.

Something I did not address during the piece, but I will now, is that the actual message of this work is not good. I know its supposed to be about empowerment and overcoming obstacles and whatever but its actually pretty demoralizing. Not so much because of the parents or anything but because it comes across as you actually defending self-harming somehow...or at the very least dismissing it as a real problem.

 You literally end the piece *Hopefully her singing at this program would make her feel good about the harming. *l have a real problem with that as an ending. One does not - should not - ever 'feel good' about self-harm. If you said 'forget about the harming' that would be good, but this comes across as an endorsement of it and I do not care for that. I also feel you probably do not intend for this impression, which is why I wanted to take the time to explain it.

 I am all for difficult topics being addressed in writing (especially if they are personal) however I would sooner you worry about the happy ending and constructing a kind-of narrative and be far more interested to hear about your personal experience with this issue - if you have any, that is.

If you don't, probably best do the research or leave it alone.

Good luck. Genuinely. 




CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Josie cut herself, she contacted members of her family for help, she couldn’t control herself She had cuts and bruises all over her Caucasian arms. Tearing up she dialed quickly with her shaky fingers that she used to call.
> 
> Why Caucasian? Is her race relevant somehow? If not, cut it. Separate the first sentence into at least two separate ones. Comma after 'tearing up' Also, can you dial quickly with shaky fingers?
> 
> ...


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## meghanwithanH (Jul 26, 2018)

SueC said:


> CrimsonAngel, interesting piece. One thing I have always found helpful, especially when there is a lot of dialogue, is to read it out loud. When doing that you can pick up on all the nuances that seem awkward and do not really add to the information you are trying to share. Your first sentence should give you some pointers. Also, I noticed that your punctuation is a little off - again that first sentence.
> 
> Josie cut herself. She contacted members of her family for help because she couldn[/FONT]’t control herself.
> 
> ...




I agree. The word “Caucasian” really stuck out to me. I’m not sure an adjective is even necessary here but I would have gone with something like white, milky, pasty, etc. Despite some other grammatical issues,  I think this story has potential!


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## oxenvex (Jul 27, 2018)

Hi,

I felt as if the tale was written by someone for whom English is a second language. I feel this way, and as others have pointed out, the writing lacks flow, almost like it is just being introduced to English for the first time.

I find the "Caucasian" and "oak table" to feel as if they are just thrown in there to do a generic piece of scene setting. I'd also really leave Caucasian out as it distracts from the writing and is not needed.


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## Lynked (Jul 30, 2018)

Just to start, I'd advise watching out for your punctuation. Keep in mind that it's a comma in quotations, not a period, when followed with a "he said/she said". Also as a couple of people have pointed out, you have some words in there that don't really need to be there, such as "Caucasian" and "that she'd used to call". The dialogue seems a little stiff, but others have already pointed that out as well. If you have someone with you, you could try role playing the dialogue to really get a feel for how it might sound. That's what I do when I catch myself in a rut with dialogue.

Also, this seems to be really quick paced. I would try slowing it down a little bit more, ruminating on the harsher aspects of the story, drawing it out to add some emotion in there. 

Finally, I would avoid saying "the father" and use "her father" instead. I don't know why, but using the word 'the' there is just off putting. All in all, a fair story, but I think it needs a little bit of polishing. But you can do it ^_^


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## NotMe (Aug 14, 2018)

It all seems a little on the nose.

So we know a little about this girl's family life and her affliction, for lack of a better word. But who is she? Why is she doing this to herself? Why the decision to start singing opera?

These are the kinds of questions you should ask yourself, then put the answers on the page for your readers. I think we need a little more. 

Thanks for posting!


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