# An Interview with a Monster Formed of Blood



## CrimsonAngel223 (Dec 7, 2016)

‘An interview with a monster formed of blood.’ the t.v blares
‘Places everyone!’
  The monster approached with jaws appearing
  Eyes reaching out
Black Licorice microphone comes in
‘How do you feel about being a monster formed of blood?’ they say
‘GRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRR!’
It circled around them
  Dying, dying, and their life was doomed
from the start


----------



## Firemajic (Dec 7, 2016)

GRRRRRAAAAARRRR..... NOPE....


----------



## CrimsonAngel223 (Dec 7, 2016)

Lol whats wrong with that?


----------



## Darkkin (Dec 7, 2016)

Sorry to say, this reads more like a soundbite from a B list screenplay than a poem.  Ask yourself what you want the piece to do, what conclusions is the reader supposed to draw.  When measured with the criteria usually associated with poetry it comes off as odd, lacking elements such as imagery, emotion, and depth.  The age old showing verses telling.  Maybe it is my flawed understanding, but I fail to comprehend its function as a poem.  You tell the reader there is a monster, the end.  Apparently, I missed the point.


----------



## Ptolemy (Dec 7, 2016)

Yea man, like I get it, but I don't get it. It needs a lot of maintenance and TLC


----------



## Kevin (Dec 7, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Sorry to say, this reads more like a soundbite from a B list screenplay than a poem.  Ask yourself what you want the piece to do, what conclusions is the reader supposed to draw.  When measured with the criteria usually associated with poetry it comes off as odd, lacking elements such as imagery, emotion, and depth.  The age old showing verses telling.  Maybe it is my flawed understanding, but I fail to comprehend its function as a poem.  You tell the reader there is a monster, the end.  Apparently, I missed the point.


explain the last 2 lines? There's either something there ... or there's not.


----------



## Darkkin (Dec 7, 2016)

Kevin said:


> explain the last 2 lines? There's either something there ... or there's not.



Lack of comprehension on my part, but not sure I understand what you mean either?  I guess that as a reader viewing a poem, I expected a poem, not prose.  Format is akin to a screenplay, (wherein rests part of my confusion), an interesting idea, but the piece feels like a concept, not a fleshed out poem.  Was it meant to be humourous, I don't know.  The reader is told what is.  There is no emotive context.  The telling aspect left me feeling indifferent.   Usually I get a clear read on a piece, this one...Not so much.  Flawed understanding on my part.  Metaphors are way over my head.


----------



## Ariel (Dec 7, 2016)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> ‘An interview with a monster formed of blood.’ the t.v blares
> ‘Places everyone!’
> The monster approached with jaws appearing
> Eyes reaching out
> ...



I think you're trying to make a comparison between an imaginary monster and media frenzy over gory and sensationalist stories. I think.

You can write a poem that takes place as dialogue. Make sure your tenses agree and use some stronger verbs.  I have some specific comments for each line.  Your line breaks are also all over the place.

L1: Why did you use "formed of" instead of "made of"?  Or why not just skip right to it and say "blood-monster"?  Also T. V. is usually capitalized. Whether it has the punctuation or not is usually determined by the writer.
L2:I get what your trying to convey here but what does it add to the narrative and the poem?
L3: Approached and appearing don't match in tense.  They're also rather weak and vague verbs. Why not The monster slinks, jaws flashing" or something similar?
L4: Eyes can't reach. Is that meant to be a description of the eyes?  Do they perhaps bulge?
L5: I like the description of the microphone as black licorice but it seems a little too playful and not quite in-line with the message I think you're wanting to send.
L6: Why not use a local news anchor's name?  Give it something specific.
L7: No.  Just no.  We're already stretching to believe in this monster and it growls at the microphone?
L8: Why not just say "It circles them"?
L9: Dying already implies that life is doomed. That's what dying _is_. This line is the only one that gives this any meaning and it's cliché.
L10: This just feels tacked on to make this reach ten lines.


----------



## Kevin (Dec 7, 2016)

I read and ask myself what it is alluding to?  I'm not seeing it. The first is fairly clear imagery; the last I don't know. Who , what, how?  Thank you for sharing.


----------



## Firemajic (Dec 8, 2016)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Lol whats wrong with that?





Sounds like "GRRRAAARRRR" GRRROWL, SCREEEEECH, BUMP.. ect  are used a lot in stories for young children...


----------



## sas (Dec 8, 2016)

I've read that the young today (at my age, it encompasses many) have a difficult time writing in anything more than short bites. They seem to text everything. I found this to be an example.


----------



## Kevin (Dec 8, 2016)

Now now, there's  an attempt here.


----------



## sas (Dec 8, 2016)

Kevin,  Not really.


----------



## Darkkin (Dec 8, 2016)

Hi Crimson,

One thing that can be said for your work, you don't lack for ideas.  Spelling and cohesion are also markedly improved from prior pieces.  However, there are still issues.  One being a preference for quantity edging out quality, so it seems like wasted breath to tell you to slow down and take control of your ideas.  Make them count.  

Amsawtel did a thorough walk through with your piece, so please take critique under consideration. PM one of the *Mentors *for help with the basics, post questions in the SPaG forum. Invest in your basic mechanics because writing like any other form of expression is a discipline.  You can have the greatest ideas in the world, but they won't mean a thing if the readers don't understand it.

Maybe consider trying a classic form of poetry.  It helps with mechanics.  Forms like triolet and diamante are small, (between 10 and 12 lines), but demand the writer's attention.  They are also a good exercise for poets of all skill levels.  By setting a few boundaries, you become more conscious of your writing.  Ask yourself what you want to achieve as a writer.  Are you posting for critique or praise?  And as readers, how are we supposed to interpret your poem.  Is it meant to be humourous, playful, shocking...?  What are your implied connotations with the piece?  What does the poem look like from your perspective as the writer?

Your idea has merit, but it is up to you to hone the edges.


----------



## CrimsonAngel223 (Dec 8, 2016)

I have a second draft of this poem, its better than this one though I was afraid it wouldn't be as good as this poem.


----------

