# My Lovers Touch



## Pelwrath (Mar 3, 2018)

*My Lovers Touch
*
We meet every day, 
to witness dawns light.
When our hands caress 
Over coffee we share.

My woman in her long black dress
Knows my minds depths.
I feel goosebumps 
As our parting nears.

“Fear not lover,
We’ll meet again on the morrow.”
Your voice whispers, so sweet.

You're a guardian angel
My conscious is unbound.

They say you fear lights flight.
But I know it’s the darkness of my soul.


----------



## jenthepen (Mar 4, 2018)

Pelwrath said:


> *My Lovers Touch
> *
> We meet every day,
> to witness dawns light.
> ...



I'm never quite sure if your poems can be taken at face value or if there there is a hidden meaning behind the words. This one feels pretty straightforward but let me know if it's not. I like the way you are really working with your feelings and emotions now and there is some good phrasing here - especially the final two lines.

I picked up a few grammatical nits:
dawn's needs an apostrophe otherwise it's a plural.
mind's - same thing here. And check the title - that should have an apostrophe too.
Her voice whispers rather than your because you started out with 'my woman' and you have to keep things consistent throughout the poem.
_You're_ a guardian angel same here, should be 'she's' for consistency.
conscious is this the word you want or do you mean 'conscience'? If you mean consciousness, maybe you could drop the 'my' and 'is' and simply have 'consciousness unbound.' That way, the rhythm would be unchanged and the word would be more correct in this context.

You have some lovely ideas here, Pel. Let's work with this to make it even more emotionally meaningful.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 4, 2018)

Jenn;
   Thanks for you suggestions and comments about this poem and my poetry in general, very kind of you.   Is there something else-yes.  OMG, how did  I miss those spelling and grammar mistakes? Most likely it was a case of I knew what I wanted and didn’t catch it.  Shopping now but tonight I’ll make those corrections and maybe a few other tweaks. Looking forwad to working on this with you and any others who would like to.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 4, 2018)

Revisions but only for SP&G


*My Lovers Touch
*
We meet every day, 
to witness dawn’s light.
When our hands caress 
Over coffee we share.

My woman in her long black dress
Knows my mind’s depths.
I feel goosebumps 
As our parting nears.

“Fear not lover,
We’ll meet again on the morrow.”
Her voice whispers, so sweet.

She’s a guardian angel
My conscience is unbound.

They say you fear lights flight.
But I know it’s the darkness of my soul.


----------



## TuesdayEve (Mar 5, 2018)

Dear Pel,
It sounds like two poems....that is a new skill I’m
learning to develop.... mostly because others
have pointed it out to me when I do it...
and they’re right, but of course, it took awhile 
to grasp it.

S1&S2 tells a story and are pretty good on their own.
But you switched gears in S3-4-5, and headed in a
 new direction. I think the advice here is narrow the
focus....
Often, my mind needs a distraction, thats one reason
why I go to games and prompts. The break could be 
as short 5 mins or sometimes longer....sometimes I 
obsess and still take a week or more to finish. 

As the words spill out its up to you to arrange them.
So when S3-4-5 came forth...keep them, 
save everything, the words come out for a reason, 
but if they don’t fit perfectly now in a poem, 
just keep going.

The other thing I’m learning regarding the ‘craft’ is,
it takes longer which equals patience, to get it right.

S3-4-5 can be either reworded to fit S1&2 or used 
somewhere else or not....but remember...
Don’t waste words....save everything(somewhere) and 
you are the composer and arranger of this song.

Well Pel, I hope some of that made sense to you.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 5, 2018)

Tuesday;
   You’ve provided me with a possibility I didn’t know I might be doing. I’ll definitely reread my poem from that perspective.  What you’ve provided does make sense.  Thanks very much for your suggestions and time reading my poem.


----------



## poski11 (Mar 5, 2018)

Pel,

I really enjoy the last stanza because it is so strong. I agree with Tuesday in that this stanza
could be the 1st stanza of a completely different poem.

Poski11


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 7, 2018)

Poski;
      Thanks for your time reading my poem and your suggestion.  I’ll be looking at doing a 1st revision in a day or two.


----------



## Darren White (Mar 9, 2018)

Hi Pel,

lovely poem, dare I give some suggestions?

First of all capitalization of every line. You started off well, with the second line starting with undercast, but after that you go back to it. I think it can sometimes be misinterpreted that way.

In the first stanza, you could tighten it up a little, for example:
_"Every dawn's light we meet,
our hands caress over coffee shared"

_And then, in the second stanza:
_"She, in her long black dress,
knows my depths
I shiver
as our parting nears"
_
I know, not everyone agrees with me, and I surely can appreciate a poem that uses more words than the bare necessity. It's just that your poem is quite tight for the rest, and many of us try to set the tone for a poem, using too many words


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 9, 2018)

Darren;

    Thanks very much for your reading time and suggestions.  Others don’t have to agree with you. Your suggestions are from you and sounds like pretty good ones.  I’ll be looking at them this weekend. Writing a full line and my capitalization is a facet of my story writing, I do it without knowing so thanks for pointing it out.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 14, 2018)

*My Lovers Touch**-**1st revision*


She’s a guardian angel
who freed my conscience.
What sewers thread
bound you to my life?


We start every day, 
by witnessing dawn’s light.
Hands caress 
over coffee shared.


We stroll along the canal
Greeting friends and ghosts alike.
We discuss our life and the future.
Why never our future life?


She, in her flowing black dress
knows my depths.
I shiver,
our parting nears.


“Fear not lover,
We’ll meet again on the morrow.”
Her voice whispers, so sweet.


They say you fear lights flight.
But I know it’s the darkness of my soul.


----------



## jenthepen (Mar 15, 2018)

I like the way you have expanded this poem and given the reader a few more facts to enable them to get the feeling behind the story. By tightening up the phrasing and taking out the unnecessary upper case letters at the start of each line as Darren suggested, I think your poem reads with much more rhythm and has gained impact.

I'm not sure about the word *sewer's* in the first stanza. Although I imagine you mean someone who sews, it could easily be mistaken as a sewer (as in piped effluent!) Because of this ambiguity, it feels out of place in a poem which is essentially about the adoration of a loved one. I see what you are aiming for but I think another word - maybe *unexpected* or something similar would be less jarring and get the same message across.

The added stanza has some nice imagery but you have lost the tightness of the rest of the poem. I suggest you try to get rid of a few words or replace some phrasing to shorten the lines in the way you have with the other verses.

Otherwise I think you have a pretty good revision here and have improved the flow of the poem no end. And oops, don't forget the apostrophe in *light's* in the penultimate line. 


She’s a guardian angel
who freed my conscience.
What sewers thread
bound you to my life?


We start every day, 
by witnessing dawn’s light.
Hands caress 
over coffee shared.


We stroll along the canal
Greeting friends and ghosts alike.
We discuss our life and the future.
Why never our future life?


She, in her flowing black dress
knows my depths.
I shiver,
our parting nears.


“Fear not lover,
We’ll meet again on the morrow.”
Her voice whispers, so sweet.


They say you fear lights flight.
But I know it’s the darkness of my soul.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 15, 2018)

Jenn;
     Thanks so much for your suggestions and unique POV.  I’ll look at your suggestions.


----------



## Pelwrath (Mar 17, 2018)

*My Lovers Touch-**2nd **revision*


She’s a guardian angel
who freed my conscience.
What cursed thread
bound you to my life?

We meet at the bistro, 
to witnessing dawn’s light.
My mind feels our hands caress 
over coffee shared.

We stroll along the canal
greeting friends and ghosts alike.
My hands at my side
our shadow’s arms entwine.

Your smile’s a baited trap
your laugh a prison.
We discuss our life and the future.
Why never our future life?

Did you care of the choice you had?
I sought another, to sooth my pain.
You latched on to one for gain.
Our nest’s to expand, I find life is very sad.

She, in her flowing black dress
knows my depths.
I shiver,
our parting nears.

“Fear not lover,
We’ll meet again on the morrow.”
Her voices dark whispers,
so sweet.

They say you fear light’s flight.
But I know it’s the darkness of my soul.


----------

