# Scores: September 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Oct 2, 2022)

17 entries! That's our most for many moons. Without delay, let's see the scores...


TitleRiptideS J WardKeganThompsonVrangerAverageEvie McMurphy by Louanne Learning1715½18¼1716¹⁵⁄₁₆*2*Beautifully Strange by Laima_Bean99131514¼15½14⁷⁄₁₆The Long Ones by Tettsuo16½17½1716½16⅞*3*Choice by Vera161417¾1716³⁄₁₆The Strangler Fig Tree by SueC181516½1816⅞*3*Autumn Leaves by KatPC131316½1614⅝P’Teh’s Lullaby by Piperofyork1714½17½1816¾Nemz by Goo Child101314½16½13½The Lost Gift of Insight by Lawless15½15½18½1816⅞*3*Aurora Fatalis by Kellinkston1513½16¾1515¹⁄₁₆Silent Moments by Taylor16½1514¾18½16³⁄₁₆When Waters Washes against the Desert Sand by rcallaci14½14½171715¾Shattered Kingdom by Ladyserpentine19½1819¼1818¹¹⁄₁₆*1*Happy Caravan by Matchu1215141413¾Topiary by Vranger1815½16¼JUDGEJUDGEGrowing Pleasures by YggNate12½14½1616½14⅞Cratr by Tosonenotany12½14½171715¼

So, a runaway winner, then very close for the other placings, with four entries with one sixteenth of a point of each other. Here's the rostrum...

1st: Shattered Kingdom _by Ladyserpentine_
2nd: Evie McMurphy _by Louanne Learning_
=3rd: The Long Ones _by Tettsuo_
=3rd: The Strangler Fig Tree _by SueC_
=3rd: The Lost Gift of Insight _by Lawless_

Many thanks to our fabulous quartet of judges, who had an extra workload this time around. Here are their comments in full...



Spoiler: Riptide's scores



*Evie McMurphy

By Louanne Learning*

SPaG – 3.5

Not bad, SPAG wise. I think I saw a few missing commas before a “but” or “and” two.

And I thought some of the sentences read out of order, like the beginning, saying they never hung out, but then saying they used to in the next line. Also, forgetting the past perfect ‘had’ somewhere in that second sentence.

T&V – 4

You had some creative lines: ‘rain to my shine’, ‘hammed it up’, saying ‘I finally caught up’ at the end there. Thought that was cute.

Liked the dialogue at the end, especially.

Though I thought it was cute, nothing really jumped at me as this piece having a big voice. I think it's because some of the dialogue read stilted

Evaluation – 4.5

This line right here: _Evie was an enigma. I had to figure her out._

I feel it came too late. Probably works best placed earlier right after the improve class scene, since it becomes the goal of the story.

You do add in the prompt very well.

Reaction – 5

I thought this was adorable! Really nice ending, where the two girls come together in the end. It made me smile.

*17*



Liama_Bean99

Beautifully Strange

SPaG – 3

Lot of semi-colons and not all of them really fit either: _I slowly realized that to feel whole; I would need to change myself completely._

Unnecessary semi here. And Some odd word choices: _mentally calculating that_

Calculating is not the right word. Something like: figuring? Assuming?

Personally, enjoyed your use of punctuation to make the sentences work for you.

T&V -- 4

I found the structure of your story fun and flowing, and it had loads of voice in it, just from sentence construction alone. It sounded like the character was talking straight to me.

Though the shift from dark and depressing to finding love is sudden and I don’t think the weight on it was there.

Evaluation – 2

Now this… I think this was too much for 650 words. We get this girl’s whole life told to us, but we aren’t actually a part of it. It’s summarized and the emotional impact of her attempting suicide, but then finding love and learning to love herself falls flat. I just needed more to work with for this story to feel like a story.

Reaction – 4

Really cute at the end, I just would like to have understood her better to see why/how that love changed her for the better. It has a cool message though and loved the vibe like I was being talked to, just wanted more, which is hard with the 650 limit.

*13



The Long Ones

Tettsuo*

SPaG – 3.5

Couple of missing commas here and there, especially before names:

“Don’t be stupid *comma *Jake, *period, pretty sure this is a comma splice.* Look at that metal bar strapped to its face.”

“What was that *comma* Ali?”

Also, this is pretty awkward and long: She smiled softly, one large tooth being presented when she spoke into what looked like a floating harmonica attached to her collar with an illuminated cord.

T&V – 4

I liked the voice. The story flowed well, though I would’ve liked to see more of what the character is feeling in the beginning about this. I think you might meander a bit and repeat. Like the ‘there was something about the female long one who stood before a tangle of microphones’ we already know she’s on stage, being interviewed. No need to repeat it.

Evaluation – 4

I’m for this story. Love a good sci-fi and it looks like the start of something great… but, the story seems to switch gears when the MC locks eyes with the alien. It jarred me to read first person and “I” because we had such a distance up until then.

Reaction – 5

Love the sci-fi element and can see it being a longer thing.

*16.5



Choice

Vera*

SPaG – 5

Honestly, I don’t think I saw anything wrong with the SPaG. Reads clean to me. Though, this did read odd to me: the black fabric of his chiton like pitch over the expanse of his chest.—What is it doing to his chest?

T&V – 4

I like the sound of your sentences. Onyx ceiling, ridged trunk, a curious round fruit, fierce as a firestone. It paints a nice picture, though not a clear one… imo. I was a little lost on the tone of the piece, especially with a beginning like this: _It was cold, but not icy. It was dark, but her eyes saw everything. It was haunted, but the moaning of the guilty didn't bother her._

Though your voice was pretty.

Evaluation – 3

was confused about what was going on most of the time, and I didn’t know how to feel. There’s a somber/dark attitude here, but some touches of romance?

What does our MC want? I’m not sure. Also, unsure on the setting. It sounds like a cave, but then not. There’s a marble floor, but there’s stalagmites too?

Reaction – 4

I like your language. It’s pretty and the story reads clean and smooth.

*16



The Strangler Fig Tree

SueC*

SPaG – 5

Honestly, I think what you intended got through. A lot of oddly constructed sentences, but they work, and I managed to slip into the tale. Though it does read passively, but, again, I think it works here.

T&V – 4

The sentences string together in an artsy fashion, like the tree branches, I imagine. That distance does give me some pause at times and makes some of the sentences unusual, like: _No Internet or phones were required or even missed._

I found that line distracted more than enhanced the piece, especially since I thought he was a child in a time without the internet anyway, since at the end he was an old man.

Evaluation – 4

When the boy slips, you rose the tension so well, I thought something would come from it. But he just falls. It was a good scene, don’t get me wrong, I just wanted more bang for my buck.

Reaction – 5

Loved it. The ending was so cute, and I loved how it circled us back to the ‘lookit me’. Really sweet sounding sentences too

*18



Autumn Leaves

KatPC*

SPaG – 2

Couple of missing commas abound, and a bit of comma splices:

‘It wasn’t really home *comma *Mr Gary, *period *I don’t think I ever had a home. Mama and I moved to many places, always wondering *wandering*, never settled.’

‘You seem to be very found*/fond of* the park?’

Just needed a run in with some grammar bots to clean it up.

T&V – 4

I thought the dialogue truly set the scene here. It is the scene, honestly. It’s going for a soft tone, and I found the personification of the tree with words like: ‘comb’, ‘wipe’, and ‘caress’ really added to the description of the tree.

Evaluation – 3

The SPaG does sometimes make it hard to follow. There’s some dialogue where I’d like it to be associated with the character’s action. When a character is moving and talking at the same time, just put the dialogue and action together in the same paragraph.

Reaction – 4

Like I said, cute story and enjoyed learning more about these characters by them personifying a tree. And I also like sweets as well, so, already well done there.

*13



P’Teh’s Lullaby

Piperofyork*

SPaG – 5

Unsure what goal bait means, though I did google it… still unsure.

Bit of an overuse of ‘look’:

century to *look* upon him,

*Looking* up, he saw the heavens* looking* down upon him…

But other than those, it reads really clean.

T&V – 4

I like the tone of it: conquered and washed away, obsolescence, dispersing are words that set a nice voice to it. One that mimics what I think the MC’s voice is.

I’m on the fence with the listing, of the previous attempts. Four might’ve been one too many.

Evaluation – 4

That ending falls flat for me.

_P’Teh gasped as the contact shot home._

-what contact? This is where I think you wasted too many words on his previous attempts, and not on the ending. It took me out of the story, for sure, not knowing who came down or that something even came down in the first place.

Reaction – 4

Nicely written, good story. Not too much of my cup of tea, though… but I can appreciate a good story.

*17



Nemz

Goo Child*

SPaG – 2

This needs some work, honestly. For one, dialogue needs to have different paragraphs when a new person talks. It makes it really hard to know what is going on in the third paragraph.

Missing commas and apostrophes: “Its/*it’s* ectoplasm *comma*” explained the apparition…

And: She could call to ask *comma* of course *comma *but

T&V – 3

You have some really flavorful words here with the whole storm analogy, especially, I just felt a bit lost with some of the sentences. You might’ve been trying to squeeze too much in here? Troubling marriage, troubling kids, and mourning a death while trying to figure out herself all in 650 words.

Evaluation – 2

I don’t know how the story plays into the prompt. What’s supposed to be strangely beautiful here? I do think the story is delivered in a confusing manner, since in the beginning you tell us what’s about to happen, then explain the set up after, backtracking.

Reaction – 3

I like ghosts, and I think that’s what you’re going with here. The language shines, and I can see this becoming a cute little story after you put some work to it.

*10



The Lost Gift of Insight

Lawless*

SPaG – 3.5

Don’t like ‘suddenly’ to introduce something new: I suddenly remember. I’d cut ‘suddenly’. It’s like a peeve of mine.

After he has locked up behind us, he asks me to give him 10 yuan.

A couple other oddly written ‘has’ sentences

A lot of filtering, but I think that’s intended: I see, I look, I watched

And some passive.

T&V – 4

There’s some weird formatting that adds to the tone. I don’t how I feel about the past, present, past again set up, but in the end, I decided it read like I was reliving the memory with the character, which I’m down for.

Evaluation – 4

Still on the fence on the present tense, but it’s a positive fence. It’s the ‘has’ that get me and the ‘suddenly’. It hits the prompt, for sure.

Reaction – 4

I’ve definitely longed to go back to several places I’ve been to and see sights I probably can never see again.

*15.5





Aurora Fatails

Kellinkston*

SPaG – 3

You do have some missing commas and periods, especially around dialogue:

_“Ain’t no such thing, sir,” the one on the right says, *period* “Beautiful is beautiful. Strangeness is creepy: the shit that crawls around-”

the man at his side, *period* “A…

“Well* comma* no bother about it, ki-”_

So, watch out for your commas.

T&V – 3.5

So, I love the sentences and the language you use… except for the dialogue tags. The ‘huffs’ out, ‘scoffs’, ‘snips’ are a little overboard in my opinion and distract more than help the piece.

You also have some really long sentences, like the first sentence. I’d put a period somewhere there.

Evaluation – 4

Definitely a colorful piece and fits the prompt well. Your words are a little funky: snips, reels, ect, ect. Your dialogue carries the piece and I like the banter between the two characters. We might get too in the weeds with their life, which is fine for longer pieces, but with a shorty like this, I’d focus more on the plot.

Reaction – 4.5

Love me some sci-fi, but, like I mentioned above, would’ve loved less on the characters and more on the world and situation.

*15



Silent Moments

Taylor*

SPaG – 4

Some mistakes around dialogue:

_Get a move on!” A/*a* matronly, grey-haired teacher hollered at us._

I thought the construction of some sentences a little funky: _This time, I noticed the elegance of a long, defined finger much darker in skin tone than mine._

And

_locked in a more compelling feeling than my earlier anticipation of donning new school clothes to deploy fresh school supplies._

Unsure what is happening here or what some of it means. What’s a defined finger? And why notice the finger during an introduction?

T&V – 3.5

Definitely does not read like a third grader. An elegance? The willowy girl? A matronly? If this was in third person I could let it slide, but in first person… seems way too sophisticated for a third grader and that took me out of the story.

Evaluation – 5

Fits the prompt, imo. A beautifully strange friendship. Right on. I thought the language was fun to follow, though the third grader POV was odd. Quick and cute, with barely any hitches out side of the beginning.

Reaction – 4

Cute story. But too flowery for me.

*16.5



When Waters Washes against the Desert Sand

Rcallci*

SPaG – 2

There’s a bit of SPaG issues:

_THEIR BLINDING, THERE HEADING RIGHT FOR US.” They’re blinding. They’re heading right…_

Comma splice and wrong form of their/there/they’re

Some more missing commas scattered throughout, as well.

T&V – 4

It took me a moment to realize what their personification suits were, but I thought giving sentience to planets was a rad idea, and the description of Earth’s demise was beautiful.

Though, I do think you broke character with the “totally” here: _But in the end when you totally abandoned her…_

Seems like an odd thing for Omniscient being to say.

Evaluation – 3.5

Would’ve loved to know which sentient planet we were in the beginning, but I’m okay with what we got. Definitely fits the prompt, though you do need to watch the punctuation which docked the most points for me.

Reaction – 5

Love it. Personifying the planets and giving them body suits is a nifty idea and I like Earth’s revenge.

*14.5



Shattered Kingdom

Ladyserpentine*

SPaG – 5

Really, pretty great. Maybe a bit passive at times, though?

_As the crystal shattered into a thousand pieces, Agatha was enveloped in whorls of mist and darkness._

As the crystal shattered into a thousand pieces, whorls of mist and darkness enveloped Agatha

Anyway, didn’t see too much wrong with it, and the passive bit is stretching. Might rely heavily on seeing verbs at the end there? ‘could see that she was…’ only seen in storybooks’ ‘cautiously examined’. One could’ve been: only read about/pictured in storybooks.

T&V – 5

The descriptions popped of the beauty of the castle simply from it being clean. And how it contrasts with the crooked grin at the end, though going a bit heavier on the difference would’ve been fun too. Making something else a bit more unsymmetrical for that world would’ve drilled that point in more.

Evaluation – 4.5

You used up a lot of words to describe colors and most of the time, absolutely loved it, but it left the ‘I’m sorry, I’m suddenly not feeling well’ to be left alone. I would’ve liked just a little bit more there.

Reaction – 5

I thought this was a full story. Nicely written, described, and just a fun read in general. Good work!

*19.5



Happy Caravan

Matchu*

SPaG – 3.5

Your ellipses got sort of carried away. Sometimes it’s three, other times it’s two or four. Some missing commas and quotations after dialogue.

T&V – 3.5

Your sentences flow in such an odd way. Your use of ellipses and wording set a certain tone for the story, a tone I’m not entirely sure of… some odd language that made me pretty confused, though I like how the story sounds when I read it.

Evaluation – 2

To say I was a bit lost is an understatement… How is this story related to being beautifully strange? Some of the language just lost me: the stroller and the survivor – what? While others were cool, like the ‘two misshapen and diabetic feet’.

Reaction – 3

I feel I’m missing something here, but I’m not invested enough to sparse out the story.

*12



Topiary

Anon*

SPaG – 4.5

I think I spotted one missing comma, and I personally dislike interabangs, but it reads clean.

Though possibly some of the sentences could be rearranged: _Twelve-foot boxwood hedges hid the building’s lower floors, thick and impenetrable._

Into: Twelve-foot boxwood hedges, thick and impenetrable, hid the building’s lower floors.

T&V – 5

Interesting take, having the POV character being an older self and retelling it, and keeping the present-day personality in the story. I thought that was fun, the snide: which all the kids called, kids do that; that self-awareness really brought out the story.

Evaluation – 4

I thought in the beginning the witch was being pushed too much to the reader… just a little bit. I would’ve liked those words being spent elsewhere.

Reaction – 4.5

Nicely done. Smooth sailing and I loved the pov.

*18



Growing Pleasures

YggNate*

SPaG – 2.5

Lot of dialogue punctuation issues and comma mishaps:

_‘Tell me if I am moving too fast,*’period He* he stepped forward to her closed eyes and raised face, peering in fierce contemplation and now beneath his, *period*_

T&V – 3.5

I think there’s a lot left unexplained for the reader to gather on their own. Words like ‘fly standing’ made it hard to grasp that he was practically… time traveling? Slowing down would’ve been sweet to understand everything, from the ball of wool and the whole schematic of the story.

Evaluation – 3.5

Like above, I would’ve liked more detail. I felt a little confused on how the whole travel worked and what exactly they found, and what were the stakes.

Reaction – 3

This will be super cool once expanded, grown, and described properly. The shortness didn’t do it justice.

*12.5



Cratr

Tosonenotany*

SPaG – 3.5

You combined some dialogue in the same paragraph, though different speakers need different paragraphs, and missed some commas before names. The chick always yells, which was pretty discerning.

T&V – 3

Lot of dialogue here that propels the story along. Good dialogue, but the narration didn’t pop for me. No striking descriptions, or funny quips. Simple, but not vivid or thrilling.

Evaluation – 3

Too much time passed, and I was never grounded with what was going on. Transitional phrases were lacking between scenes, and it seems you wrote stuff as if I should already be aware of it, like Sarah, or that the voicemail at the end was Sean (?).

Reaction – 3

This story has a lot of potential. That end scene, like they were about to get duped, and they barely escaped seemed so interested, I just wanted to see more of that.

*12.5*





Spoiler: S J Ward's scores



Louanne Learning – Evie McMurphy



SPAG 4.0

T&V 4.0

Eval 3.5

Reac 4.0



Total15.5



To my mind there are rather too many M dashes in the first half of the piece. Maybe, with some restructuring of sentences, some of them could have been removed which would have tidied up the presentation.

‘An urge of protectiveness towards her filled me’ felt a little awkward, to me, and took a few reads to understand.

I certainly would have liked more description of the two characters, there didn’t seem to be any. I realise that the word limitations might have prevented this from happening, but it detracted from a thoroughly enjoyable story. It certainly met the theme head on.



---------------------------------------------


Laima_Bean 99 – Beautifully Strangely



SPAG 3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac4.0



Total15.0



I was aware of quite some awkwardness in sentence and paragraph structuring, I certainly thought that the whole piece could have been spread out a bit more which would have alleviated the compressed feeling of the writing.

It reads more as a non-fictional piece, which is no bad thing. Though it made it harder to decide if the Tone and Voice were good or bad. I chose good in the end.

The story, whether true or false, left me totally undecided. I’m sorry I felt that way. Thus, evaluation took a dip, but my reaction to it was on a high because it seemed so heart-felt. The story came through.



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Vera – Choice



SPAG4.5

T&V3.5

Eval3.0

Reac3.0



Total14.0



I was a little confused as to what was going on. Nothing obvious seemed to spring to my attention but I needed some less-subtle hints to get the full gist of the story.

The whole story appeared to be a part of something much bigger, rather than a short story in its own right. I know… word restraints conspire!

However, I couldn’t find much wrong with the spelling and grammar and, there were some fantastic descriptions throughout. In particular I liked the ‘sailors reading the clouds’ and the ‘ospreys skimming the water’. I just wish I had more to go on!



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Sue C – The Strangler Fig Tree



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac4.0



Total15.0



There just seems to be far too many commas, perhaps some of these could have been replaced with the dreaded M-dashes. But there, I have to admit, I don’t really see the fascination with them. Stories can read fine without them.

On saying that, the piece deserved some better breaks, maybe through sentence re-structuring.

A particular portion springs to mind… ‘, amazing branches criss-crossing, weaving a path all the way to heaven, he thought, and listen to voices…’ That bit, the flow felt... untidy.

Though, the reminiscence and look-back in the last two paragraphs worked exceedingly well to make it a better story.



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Nemz – Goo Child



SPAG3.0

T&V3.5

Eval3.5

Reac3.0



Total13.0



I think the paragraph starting with a number would be better served as a written word. Certainly the paragraphs need some dis-assembly to remove two characters speaking in the same unit.

I always think that quotes like… ‘Ya, it’s fine, no, we broke up…’ deserve quotation marks; these were missing.

Stressed words, like ‘mother’ and ‘mum’, perhaps could have been italicised to make it easier on the eye and the read.

Some fantastic imagery is pushed to the fore and intertwined, but the overall emphasis seemed to be on the abstract and, for me, it became confusing.



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Lawless – The Lost Gift of Insight



SPAG4.0

T&V3.5

Eval3.5

Reac4.5



Total15.5



First off, I don’t believe anyone would answer ‘Europe’ when asked where they came from… Germany, Britain, France… but never Europe!

I felt the piece got a little mixed up with past and present tense, to my reading, and it would have had a more profound effect if it were solely written in the present tense, not as a partial recollection.

The last paragraph struck me as rather clever… The cold… A kicking back to reality from the thoughts.

A good story worthwhile of a little TLC.



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Kellinkston – Aurora Fatalis



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.0

Reac3.0



Total13.5



Too many ‘Rights’ and ‘Lefts’ detracted to a piece with only two characters which are named.

In paragraph 2, the mercenary says ‘That’s what they said’ and it is obviously him saying it by the fore-words. This is then re-iterated with a superfluous ‘says’.

I wonder at the violent interaction between the two mercenaries, the recipient being the senior officer, denoted by the use of ‘sir’.

‘Van’, I feel, was introduced too late in the story and there is too much broken chatter between the two men that detracted from the read slightly. Though I did find the overall tone quite acceptable.

I certainly still want to know what was floating in the sky. Another unanswered question!



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Rcallaci – When Water Washes Against the Desert Sand



SPAG3.5

T&V3.5

Eval3.5

Reac4.0



Total14.5



The whole premise of this story seems to be the ‘gods’ getting their own back on man for the destruction of the planet. Great start!

The speech seemed a little confused and I am still wondering who says… ‘What are you babbling about…’?

Regent Commander, could do with a comma after his name to separate him from the statement that is made.

In all, I liked the story but I felt it was a little confusing with regards the speech parts.



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Anon – Topiary



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac4.5



Total15.5



This story needed less commas, and maybe a few dreaded M-dashes. ‘...hid the buildings lower floors—thick and impenetrable.’ as an example.

It seemed to perform a strange feat of being multi-national. Due to words like ‘intersection’ and ‘ballpark’ I wondered why the car was an ‘Austin’ and not a Cadillac or a Buick.

‘I struggled to catch up to the intersection.’ maybe should have read ‘I struggled to catch up with it to the intersection.’

Great story with a nice twist though.



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YggNate – Growing Pleasures



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac3.5



Total14.5



Some of the commas could well have been replaced by the use of M-dashes, it would have helped the legibility somewhat. As an example… ‘When she had first learned to do it—the secret flying—and it was…’

‘pop science’ I felt, needed hyphenating.

This story is really ‘beautifully strange’ but it took a few reads to get the best of it, certainly in the last lines with wondering why he was early? Maybe some restructuring would help, mixed with more concrete imagery.



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Tettsuo – The Long Ones



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

Eval4.0

Reac4.5



Total 17.5



This story is written well. I like the ending and its whole, is easy on the eye with no absurd words. It flows well as a short story.

I’m a little concerned by ‘cutting up cow’. Maybe I’m unfamiliar with the term, but it makes more sense if I make the singular ‘cow’ into ‘cows’. A great story.



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KatPC – Autumn Leaves



SPAG3.0

T&V4.0

Eval3.0

Reac3.0



Total13.0



I was struck by the choice of words, especially ‘wonder’ and ‘wondering’, feeling that they should have been ‘wander’ and ‘wandering’, so I read them as such.

‘accepts you for what you are that silence isn’t awkward, but a friend we both share’ seems a strange sentence, more than slightly awkward, from my reading of it.

Commas always seem to be the biggest problem, even in my own writing. Here we have a few superfluous ones and some that are missing… ‘If you pay attention, and listen carefully, ...’

In speeches addressing Mr Gary there should be a comma before his title.

However… there is some fantastic imagery, the description of colours and I particularly liked the idea of ‘street-lights waking’.



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Piper of York – P’Teh’s Lullaby



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac3.5



Total14.5



The first reaction I got was… ‘I never had such gifts, sighed P’Teh’. I felt it would be better served as in speech format with speech-marks… “I never had such gifts.” sighed P’Teh.

The use of colons and semi-colons seemed excessive, though correctly placed, they could have been eliminated in such a way they would not have detracted from the overall look of the story.

‘I...I am sorry to…’ is better served without the used M-dash. It’s a stammer and not an interruption.

But the descriptive element is great and I really loved… ‘cocooning him in their downy embroidery gently dealt with’. The tone and voice is great for such a piece.



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Taylor – Silent Moments



SPAG4.0

T&V 4.0

Eval3.5

Reac3.5



Total15.0



The immediate struggle was with forming a circle made of only three; triangle sprang to mind!

I also felt that lunch buckets or bags should have been hyphenated, as should have been giggle session. And name-tags.

As to the story… Where was Aminah whilst the other two were in the classroom? I felt that her religion, and results of it, could have been given more word-space. I certainly thought that it was a question that the others may have asked.

The T&V worked well throughout the story, I just felt there should be more. I Know! Word restraint.

This one only just met the remit, but the description of her fingers allowed it.



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Lady Serpentine – Shattered Kingdom



SPAG5.0

T&V4.0

Eval4.5

Reac4.5



Total18.0



I couldn’t really fault this story.

If I were to try, I would say that… there might have been more dialogue and that the, seemingly, petulant princess needed to ‘buck up her ideas’. I just wanted to slap her!

Nevertheless… A great story and my winner!



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Matchu – Happy Caravan



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac4.0



Total15.0



Some of the speech-marks were missing… ‘My pink elephant? Ernest said’… and others.

Weirdly, this was my favourite piece, even though the text is a little mixed up at times; as are the two characters.

The ‘sausages’ and ‘play with my shoes’ had me smiling and was reminiscent of Robert Rankin’s works. So although it wasn’t perfect… Thank you.

Mental as a box load of frogs. Weirdly strange, I suppose it qualifies!



-------------------------------------


Tonsonenotany – Cratr



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac3.0



Total14.5



Perhaps an alternate format to the paragraph that begins… ‘We flipped through the bios…’ It actually read quite awkwardly, though correctly. Might need some re-configuration to ease comprehension.

I spent some time being confused by the piece but I realise that was probably down to the 650 word limitation. Also, there was a lack of reasonable resolution to the story… I felt it needed to be explained further why the two ended up in the ‘Crater bar’ so early.



-------------------------------------


I’m definitely writing a story for October… spurred on by reading the 17 great stories for September Although being a critic is quite educational and draws ones attention to ones own deficiencies… And... I’d even go so far to say as… I’d recommend it! It is time consuming when one is meant to be holidaying (vacationing). NOT IN A CARAVAN WITH AN ELEPHANT! Without!

Please volunteer your services to the task of adjudicating. Then you can get your own back on me.





Spoiler: Kegan Thompson's scores



1.Louanne Learning, Evie Mcmurphy

SPaG: 5
T&V: 4.75
Evaluation:4.5
Reaction: 4
18.25
I had a feeling the narrator’s gender was ambiguous for a reason. Something told me it was a girl, and I was right lol I liked that it was mainly dialogue, it gave a lot of story despite the short word count. I enjoyed the character dynamics and how Evie called out the MC at the very beginning, calling her a ‘people pleaser.’ (in her special way)

2.Laima_bean99, Beautifully Strange
SPaG: 4.75
T&V:3.5
Evaluation:3
Reaction:3
14.25
Not typically my type of story/voice but I liked the literal/metaphorical element. She could be a literal alien like the story suggests, but also means she was an “incomplete girl” because the MC wasn’t a feminine woman and didn’t fit into the ‘ideal standard’ of either a man or woman.

3.Tettsuo, The Long Ones
SPaG:5
T&V:4.5
Evaluation:4
Reaction:3.5
17
I really like the last sentence. That was all I remembered from that day, five years ago. It makes you wonder what happened during the time she was ‘abducted.’ Gotta say, my favorite character was Uncle Jake, his dialogue was quite entertaining.

4.KatPC, autumn leaves
SPaG:4.5
T&V: 4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.5
The story was very cute and lighthearted. My favorite part is when Kat was talking about the wind, and the personification of it ‘touching’ her face and ‘comforting’ her. Some sentences could be reworded for better flow and clarity, but overall, I’m seeing a lot of improvement!
Side note: She took a deep sigh- threw me off a bit. When you sigh you exhale, when you take a deep (breath) you inhale. So, the sentence should read more like, ‘she let out a deep sigh’


4.Vera, Choice
SPaG:4.75
T&V: 4
Evaluation:5
Reaction:4
17.75
The beginning sentences were a little repetitive using the word ‘it’ but other than that small thing, the writing and the descriptions were really nice 
She pressed her lips together, studying the lines of his face—heavy brow, aquiline nose, downturned mouth. The gods were supposed to be beautiful; he was not. Not strictly. She liked that about him. And His lips brushed hers, like ospreys skimming the water. These were the descriptions I enjoyed the most.
However, I wish there was more context to the story.

5.SueC, The Strangler Fig Tree
SPaG:5
T&V:3.75
Evaluation:4
Reaction: 3.75
16.5
There was some great imagery but I feel like there needed to be more sentence variation. A lot of the sentences were long and had a lot of descriptions to process. If there were more’ full stops’ it’d be easier to ingest all the information
Paragraph I liked the most:
The sun, on the edge of the horizon and a blessing in the moment, its rays filtering through branch after branch until finally reaching him as his eyes, in turn, sought only one spot in the landscape. From that vantage point, it was hard, but yes! He was sure he could see the very branch, the one where he had put his mark, forever to be part of that tree; he knew he could find it again when he returned.

6.Piperofyork, P’Teh’s Lullaby
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Evaluation:4.5
Reaction:4
17.5
It was a nice bitter-sweet story. Not as humorous as your other stories but there was still wit in there. Some sentences I thought were a bit ‘overdone’ but overall, it was well written.
Lost in rising resonance, P’Teh’s spirit harmonized with her; his soundless song unraveled his innermost being in tenderest whisps and ribbons that wove themselves anew about him, cocooning him in their downy embroidery, murmuring the significance of his insignificance, drowning him in oceans of affection.
This sentence could’ve been cut back some, the overall image was a bit lost in the excessive amount of description. It took a few reads to fully grasp what was being portrayed, however, once it ‘cemented’ its quite a lovely description, just lost me a bit at first.

7.Nemz, Goo Child
SPaG:4.5
T&V:3.5
Evaluation:3.5
Reaction:3
14.5
A really strong opening, though the ending lost me because it wasn’t explained how her life was a lie or who the goo child was exactly, I liked the mystery element but I think there needed to be just a little bit more context so the beginning didn’t feel as disconnected from the ending. Lacked clarity /some sentences could’ve been simplified. The description of her relationship with her children was really good, expressing the lost connection between mother and child.

8.Lawless, The Lost Gift of Insight
SPaG:5
T&V:4.5
Evaluation:4.5
Reaction:4.5
18.5
Written well, interesting story. I really liked it. The specific places mentioned and how it was set up made me feel like I was reading from a journal (like it’s based on a personal experience) the prompt ‘beautifully strange’ wasn’t mentioned directly…but i take it that the mural was beautifully strange and/or the feeling the MC felt after was beautifully strange.



9.Kellinkston, Aurora fatalis
SPaG:4.75
T&V:4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.75
I enjoyed the conversation they had. It was interesting, and i love how much it leaves open to the imagination at the end. What were they looking at? From the start I think their names should’ve been given. Instead of “one on the left’ and ‘one on the right.’ We learn one is Ged but it takes a while for us to learn Van's name. It would’ve helped with clarity if both characters’ names were stated. I didn’t see a need, narration-wise, to have ‘one of the right’ and ‘one on the left’ (and continuously referring to them that way)

10.Taylor Silent Moments.
SPaG:5
T&V:3
Evaluation:3
Reaction:3.75
14.75
It is a good and charming story about friendship. The words used and how things were described made the narrator sound much older, but based on the context and assuming ‘3rd year’ is pertaining to elementary (instead of the third year of middle school/high school) im guessing they are like 8/9? so it created ‘psychic distance’ despite being in the first person. I’d recommend simplifying the narration or try to write it in the 3rd person.
We became friends in a silent moment. - this was a great line. It wasn’t directly stated but I assume that the Somalian girl was ‘beautifully strange’ because she is different?


Rcallaci, When Water Washes against the Desert Sand
SPaG:5
T&V:4.5
Evaluation:4
Reaction:3.5
16.5
It was a lovely, well-written story. I did get a little lost, however. I know Gaia, Earth, died and the planets and everything in the solar system was where a ‘personification suit’ but who was the beautiful woman in green? A personification of humanity? Sounds like humanity left earth and found a new place to inhabit and Solaris wanted to destroy that place but left humanity to face the sorrows of Gaia as punishment. I think my conclusion is correct but I’m left feeling unsure.
​Ladyserpentine Shattered Kingdom​SPaG:5
T&V:4.75
Evaluation:4.75
Reaction: 4.75
19.25
Well written, I highly enjoy the story and fantasy elements. I also loved the “beautifully dull part” and the ending was great; that the beautiful gem was shattered and it unleashed a captive world.
My fav description: Hues of turquoise and indigo collided like the untamed oceans Agatha had seen in paintings. They twisted into rugged, irregular shapes that reminded her of the snow-capped mountains she could only view from afar.

Matcha, Happy Caravan
SPaG:5
T&V:3
Evaluation:3
Reaction:3
14
I am confused on what’s going on but something tells me there’s something more to these stuffed animals…and there not just stuffed animals. lol I love the quirkiness of your style in general, matchu, but sometimes it doesn’t have enough clarity and i miss some dots lol.

Topiary, by Anon
SPaG:4.75
T&V:3.5
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.25
I liked the ‘whimsical’ /magic realism element to it. I kept thinking of Edward scissor hands esp when the Topiary was being described. I was able to imagine the story quite easily. The story felt a bit disjointed in some places. The “wtf’ comment felt out of place but i enjoyed the story, I liked that it keeps me wondering 

YggNate, Growing pleasures
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:3
16
I didn’t know British people spelled ‘aeroplane’ like that…glad I verified before docking some SPaG points LOL. I like the idea I’m just not sure what’s going on, guess they can ‘fly’ into the future/see their future? (or they’re just playing) A few sentences threw me off. Screwing up his eyes he looked through his forehead into a glass earth and the ending line.

Tonsonenotany, Cratr​SPaG:5
T&V:4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.5
The story was funny and interesting.
“Great! Toby I know you are unemployed and Sam you are a claims adjuster. I’d love to know what those are! Why don’t I show you the uh, casino first?” I found this really funny especially since I work in insurance.
I tell my kids we must find our only option beautiful, even if the people are strange. But they need medicine and…” was a good ending, it exposed the alien’s hidden intentions. I can’t help but wonder Why Toby left, he seemed to have left shortly after Sam. Guess he didn’t want to be the only one who was guilty of something (since they were both married)





Spoiler: Vranger's scores



*Evie McMurphy - Louanne Learning*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 17.0*

Really well done. As someone who’s always walked to the beat of his own drum, I identified with the character. The only thing I’d have liked to see (and I understand 650 isn’t a lot of room to do it) is somehow a stronger commitment toward that ideal from the narrator. And maybe it’s there but it didn’t quite sell me.

*Beautifully Strange. - Laima_Bean99*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 3.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15.5*

Other than the first sentence where I thought the semi-colon was the wrong choice, and another later on, this was technically well written. My score was held back by it being all exposition, which just never drew me in. I understand the character’s issue, but told as a short bio it didn’t move my emotions.

*The Long Ones - Tettsuo*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16.5*

A couple of punctuation issues (such as comma splices) and a couple of awkward word combinations dragged on SPAG. I liked the story, and it’s a story I’d like to see the finish of.  It cut off a bit too abruptly for me, even though it hinted at three different classic sci-fi first contact stories.

*Choice - Vera*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

Well written and the most original of the entries I’ve read so far. I enjoyed it, but I’d have loved to see just a bit more context for the scene.

*The Strangler Fig Tree - SueC*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

Beautiful story, which I always expect from this very strong writer.  There were a few comma issues and a couple of sentences I thought could have been more clear, but otherwise a very nice piece of writing with a nostalgic feel.

*Autumn Leaves - KatPC*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
Total 16.0

Some comma issues here. In places missing, and in a couple of places a comma splice. I thought there was one typo (‘wonder’ instead of ‘wander’?) Still, nicely written with smoothly flowing dialogue.

*P’Teh’s Lullaby - piperofyork*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

Beautifully written but with, I thought, a couple of impertinent semi-colons. ;-) I like the story and the concepts fabricated into it, but I thought it was just a bit slow. I sort of lost momentum reading just when I should have had the most interest. I think probably at “P’Teh gasped as the contact shot home.” I think “contact shot home” lost me.

*Goo Child - Nemz*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 16.5*

Okay, I REALLY liked this. It would have been in contention for my highest score but there are some technical issues you need to work out:

writing numerals instead of spelling out the number (2 children)
needing dashes in multiple word modifiers (‘seven year old’ needs them, for example)
the third paragraph may need to be as many as three or four paragraphs
I liked the ship and sea allusion. VERY well done there.

*The Lost Gift of Insight - Lawless*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

Dings on SPAG - a comma splice and a capital after an ellipse. I liked it. I’ve had a few tourist experiences myself where I got to see things other tourists did not, and thank goodness I only got caught once!

*Aurora Fatalis - KillInkston*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 15.0*

This was a rather unique entry and I appreciated that. SPAG problems were one extra word, one missing word, and a misspelled possessive. The drag on the last two scores was the interrupted dialogue lines. They’re not a bad thing individually, but there were enough here they kept interrupting the flow of my read, not just the other characters. It’s something I have to watch when I write, too. It’s often better to let the character finish the sentence and save the interruptions for when it really makes an impact.

*Silent Moments - Taylor*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

Very nice slice of life story and a tone of acceptance. I’d have liked confirmation of why Aminah was in a different class. ESL maybe?

*When Water Washes Against the Desert Sand - rcallaci*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

Nice story. A couple of comma issues, and I thought the second section would have worked better being broken up into dialogue paragraphs. I enjoyed the imagery of the gods and the story overall.

*Shattered Kingdom - Ladyserpentine*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

Well written and in places amusing. I liked the choice of Agatha and Norman for the princess and prince.  The only drawback for me was the story seemed to wait too long to get to the most interesting part. I’d have liked to see more of the Enchanted Realm. 

*Happy Caravan - Matchu*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.0
*Total 14.0*

An incomplete word (My, I think), a couple of wrong words from typos, and a double period instead of a period and a space. A typically bizarre Matchu story , and I’ve grown a greater appreciation for those, but this one was too disjointed for me. As a reader, I could never catch hold of where it was going, or why.

*Growing Pleasures - YggNate*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 16.5*

A couple of comma splices for SPAG. I liked where I thought this story was going, but it never really defined itself to me, and that seemed to happen in a lot of stories this month. Maybe people were too ambitious for the limit.  Possibly if we had 3000 words people could have defined their settings and focus better.

*Cratr - tonsonenotany*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

A couple of missing commas. I liked the tone of the story but I never felt quite grounded in what was happening. The ‘casino’ just started to get interesting, but the characters fled and I didn’t quite get why they felt uneasy, except it wasn’t really what they considered a casino.



Interested in taking part in Literary Maneuvers? Check out our October challenge: *Veil Between Realms*


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## Louanne Learning (Oct 2, 2022)

Wow, the judges sure had their work cut out for them this time. A big thank you for their time and thoughtful comments!

Outstanding collection of stories! Many thanks to all who participated and to @Harper J. Cole

And congratulations to @Ladyserpentine!


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## SueC (Oct 2, 2022)

Amazing group of stories! So much talent, so many great reads. Congrats to everyone who entered, and we'll done to judges ... God job and thanks so much for your time and efforts.


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## VRanger (Oct 2, 2022)

Easily the most stories I've had to judge in a month, and I cheated and didn't have to judge one! LOL I congratulate not only the members who placed, but everyone who wrote a story for the prompt. The differences in my scores were purely technical. I enjoyed them all.


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## Lawless (Oct 2, 2022)

This is amazing. I'm quite speechless, so I'll be brief. Thanks, judges. Congrats, Lady Serpentine and Louanne!


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## Foxee (Oct 2, 2022)

Wow! That's an impressive field. Congrats to everyone who got an entry written and posted! And an extra "Woohoo!" to the winners!

And, of course, kisses to the judges. They work for love, appreciation, (and sometimes a heady feeling of power) so everyone give it up!


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## piperofyork (Oct 2, 2022)

Thank you to Harper and all the judges for all of their work (and quite a lot of it!!). Congratulations to the winners!!


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## Taylor (Oct 2, 2022)

It was fun to participate in this one, with so many great stories!

Congratulations to the winners ... well deserved!!!

And good work to everyone who submitted an entry.  Practically enough to publish a _Beautifully Strange Anthology!_

Harper and Judges THANK YOU!!!!!


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## Ladyserpentine (Oct 2, 2022)

Thank you to the judges for taking the time to read and provide such thorough evaluations of all the stories this month!
And congrats to the other winners, as well as everyone who entered. I really enjoyed reading everyone's stories!


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## rcallaci (Oct 2, 2022)

My thanks to Harper the host of this event you do  incredibly good job  and to the judges for their outstanding evaluations. I'm a comma idiot and S.P.A.G.  is my greatest enemy--  Wonderful stories all around, excellent quality. Congrats to the badge winner, Ladyserpentine for her marvelous piece, 'The Shattered Kingdom"  and the others who placed. 

warmest
bob


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## KatPC (Oct 2, 2022)

Thank you for all the judges this month ... you guys did a brilliant job! Thank you to @Harper J. Cole for another stellar job this month!

Thank you judges for your comments on my piece. I never intended this to win or place with this story and I entered because I have been struggling with the tone and voice so this was just a 'mess around' - all of your comments have been gratefully received. I learnt a lot from them and also a lot from the wonderful stories here. A quiet shout out to @SueC I found your piece wonderfully written .... brilliant. It is one I learnt the most from. You captured time in the story that you were able to tell a little more without over stretching a sentence or making it dull and boring - it made me reflect on my own writing. I read your story a few times and picked up on so many things so a really big thank you for your entry!


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## YggNate (Oct 3, 2022)

Well done to winners and thank you to judges! Always a pleasure to take part in these exercises


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## Tettsuo (Oct 3, 2022)

It's always fun to submit and see what others think of your writing. I love seeing the wide range of writing styles and especially the ideas that spawn from these monthly contests. It's incredible how different we all are.

So, congrats to the winner and thanks to the judges from taking the time to review.


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## Vera (Oct 4, 2022)

So wonderful to get an outside perspective on a flash piece! Thank you so much, judges, for your thoughts and congratulations to the talented winners and entrants!


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## Matchu (Oct 5, 2022)

I did not win

Thank you so much judges, congratulations to the brilliant winners

Human condition weighs heavy a while & am moping & boohoo & got no keyboard presently, hating my job
Love loves xx


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## VRanger (Oct 5, 2022)

Matchu said:


> I did not win
> 
> Thank you so much judges, congratulations to the brilliant winners
> 
> ...


I didn't win either, and my revenge is in the planning. It will be S-L-O-W and dastardly. Either that or I'll swallow hard and move on. ;-)


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## tonsonenotany (Oct 12, 2022)

VRanger said:


> I didn't win either, and my revenge is in the planning. It will be S-L-O-W and dastardly. Either that or I'll swallow hard and move on. ;-)


Revenge is a dish best swallowed cold.


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