# City Creatures



## escorial (Feb 24, 2018)

Walking away the dog turned but there was no call to return just the sound of the pocket radio on the pavement and the traffic.As dusk fell the shops closed and people made their way home as others arrived for a nights entertainment. A beetle walked over a face and then disappeared into the hair.When it turned dark the rain started and the street emptied while a rat gnawed on a ear and another on a lip. The dog returned at daybreak and disturbed a few pigeons pecking at food on the pavement untouched from the day before.The dog laid on the blanket and cardboard and a while later it started to bark and lick a face. Eventually a passer by raised the alarm and the police and ambulance arrived to take a body away and remove the dog. Later on a  street cleaner turned up an muttered to itself..why don't these homeless people take their crap with them.


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## dither (Feb 26, 2018)

This deserves recognition beyond WF. It has always amazed me how you managed to say so much with so few words.  It's powerful stuff Escorial.

Maybe you should consider submitting this to a local newspaper.

I wonder if, without changing any of it, AT ALL, that it could be re-written in verse form. Kind of like poetry but not. It DOES read like poetry imo.

The real tragedy is that it could be a scene from any High Street or shopping center. Indeed it happened just a stone's throw from the parliament buildings in London.


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 5, 2018)

Later on a street cleaner turned up an muttered to itself..why don't these homeless people take their crap with them. 

Later on a street cleaner turned up an muttered to himself, 'Why don't these homeless people take their crap with them.' 

It =  he , quotes round the thought. 

As dusk fell, as others arrived, When it turned dark, while a rat, a while later it started to bark.

I would consider taking out some of the words that progress it, like 'as, when, while'.


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## escorial (Mar 5, 2018)

itself was used to make the piece devoid of as much humanity as i could....an my grammar is odd...cheers olly some fine points to condiser


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## Olly Buckle (Mar 5, 2018)

escorial said:


> itself was used to make the piece devoid of as much humanity as i could....



Ahh, missed that, now I see. I guess it is my blind spot, I go, 'No, everyone is people, even the most detestable are not'it'. ' Just reactively.


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## H.Brown (Mar 6, 2018)

Esc once again you produce a vivid scene, one that we see everyday. Hard-hitting and gritty, I liked it.


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## escorial (Mar 6, 2018)

Gritty is so apt..cool


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## Cannonfury (Mar 28, 2018)

Nice, I liked the story. As someone said already, short but very good!


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## escorial (Mar 31, 2018)

thanks....i do like the short,short stuff


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## Sync (Apr 16, 2018)

I like the scene, but felt the first line could have been the last, that the street cleaner could have found the body, that the pigeon could have just been pecking, and then the dog charging to scare them off, would introduce him, show, his behaviour towards all. 

The lack of punctuation would have pulled me away from reading this, had it not been a piece for critique. I don't let punctuation control my writing, but as soon as that robotic clicking of words in each sentence started, it was impossible to stop that flow. 

I did like the piece, but I wanted it sharper. 

I'm still new to this site in ways, despite the posts, I am having to adjust my critiquing style trying to fit in. So I apologise for my awkwardness while handling your words.

Thank you for the read

Sync


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## escorial (Apr 16, 2018)

I try to simplify the structure of my work with as little or without grammar... it's secondary to the words which I try to use to have a narrative that can only have a few chrachters who are often overlapped by another.. it's basically first draft stuff with little improvement an I think you have picked up on that..thanks for reply...it was interesting to read..cheers sync


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## Sync (Apr 16, 2018)

Thank you. It is good to know your thoughts on punctuation. I agree, it can infringe, and sometimes takes over. I used to refuse to use capital letters in my comments. Not sure why, but maybe it's because grammar often kicks my goat.


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## Roac (Apr 17, 2018)

This is a fantastic little story. I like how so much can be said in so few words. Lots left to the imagination. Great job!


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## escorial (Apr 17, 2018)

a reply which encompasses all I like to think about my stuff..thank you roac


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## RoseC (May 1, 2018)

I like this! Love how it is written to be as impersonal as possible.


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## escorial (May 2, 2018)

Thanks RC that's what I was aiming for..nearly all my stuff is based on one emotion an I try to write in a mono way...


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