# September 2016 - LM - Wrong House - Scores



## kilroy214 (Oct 5, 2016)

*Terry D.*
*Squidtender*
*Makili*
*Prinzecharming*
*Total*
Candervalle
15
16.5
19
12.8
15.8
BabaYaga
18
14
16.5
14
15.6
_Oops 
_by Midnightpoet
13
17.5
14
17.5
15.5
Riptide
14
15.5
17
12.5
14.7
Godofwine
14.5
12.75
12.5
18.6
14.5
Ned
15
16
13
13.9
14.4
_Black Eye_
by thepancreas11
13
15
13.5
11
13.1
Makili
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JE
_Old Man Carson's House
_by kilroy214
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HE




The time has come again, my peoples!
In first place, we have *Candervalle *with *Homeward Bound*
Second was taken by *BabaYaga* 's entry, *The Collector*
And rounding us out, in Third, Mr. Anonymous himself...*Midnightpoet* with *Oops*

Congratulations everybody, we hope to see you around for Octobre! If there are any mistakes, please let me know. You may now Like, Lol or Thank any entry you may want. And without further a-dew...The Scores...


[spoiler2=Terry D's Scores]  *Baba Yaga
**The Collector*


 SPaG  --  5 of 5    Nothing to say here except ‘good job’.


Tone & Voice – 4 of 5   Nothing technically wrong with the tone and voice of this piece, but I think it would benefit from being less distant. I felt I was watching what was happening rather than being there. Still, however, it’s very, very good.


 Effect – 9 of 10   You nearly got all10 points for this one. My only hang-up is with the last line. I understand the punch you are trying for, but, for me it just misses. Otherwise the story is very effective.


 Total – 18 of 20   This is an outstanding story. The flow is excellent, you nail the setting, and you do a great job of mixing narration and dialogue. There are plenty of nice narrative touches. The paragraph about all of her ‘things’is outstanding. I also like the tiny bit of foreshadowing with thecomment on the homeowner’s “…sharp and tiny yellow-brownteeth.” Thanks for submitting this.




*Anonymous*
*Black Eye*


 SPaG – 4 of 5   Nothing too egregious, but there did to be a mix of commas missing, and commas where they weren’t needed (not every ‘and’ needs to be proceeded by a comma).


 Tone & Voice – 4 of 5   I thought the voice was nicely consistent from the POV of the young girl. It was easy to see the story unfold from her perspective.


 Effect – 5 of 10   I didn’t see a tie-in to the prompt, and that’s major issue for me. The story had a nice pace, and the language was fitting for the tone. The dialogue struck my ear as a little stilted, and the final line didn’t work for me. If there had been something earlier on for her “strong, confident woman” remark to reflect back upon, it would have been more satisfying.


 Total – 13 of 20   You used the past-perfect tense very well in this story. That’s something I like to see done well. My score was affected mostly by the lack of tie-into the prompt. Otherwise this is a nice little story.




*Candervalle*
*Homeward Bound*


 SpaG – 5 of 5   I might have used commas in a couple of places you did not, but that's a stylistic choice, not a SpaG issue. Good job.


 Tone & Voice –  4 of 5  Consistent and smooth, but nothing memorable about the style and tone.


 Effect – 6 of 10   The last third of the story feels rushed, as if you realized there was more story left than room within the competition limit. It is more choppy and disjointed than the story's opening and diluted the final effect.There were also some word and phrase choices which I found jarring –“counted his odometer” and “As he pulled up his jaw slacked as he took in the scene” were two of them.


 Total – 15 of 20   Overall a well written story that simply needs more room to expand and bloom. Thanks for the read.




*godofwine*
*Drug Raid*


 SpaG – 3.5 of 5   Some basic omissions (and over-use) of commas, one place where a period was used in a quote preceding a dialogue attribution (at the beginning of the 6[SUP]th[/SUP] paragraph), and the list of charges against the mother do not need to be capitalized.


 Tone & Voice – 4 of 5   This story has a solid police procedural feel to it, and it was easy to distinguish between the characters by their dialogue. 


 Effect – 7 of 10   Blame the prompt, but the ending was never in doubt, so the effect was dulled by that. It also suffered from the shooting scene at the end. I find it hard to believe that an old woman shot twice at close range would be quite so conversational as she was being man-handled by police.


 Total – 14.5 of 20  I like the heavy use of dialogue to carry a flash fiction piece. I was looking for something with more of a twist on the prompt. Giving the reader something they don't expect is a good way to pump up the score in an LM competition. Looking forward to reading your next.




*Anonymous*
*Oops*


 SpaG – 4 of 5  Some comma issues and an apostrophe where an open-quote mark should be at 'Something else bothering you. Love?”


Tone & Voice – 3 of 5   I didn't know how to feel about the man other than to disrespect him as a cheater. I didn't get a sense of how you, as the author, felt about him. The story was flat and emotionless.


 Effect – 6 of 10  The take on the prompt was good, but it needed to deliver more punch. 


 Total – 13 of 20   There was no sense of realism to this story in spite of its nice twist on the prompt. The use of a couple of cliche's also hurt. 'Humping for all they were worth' and 'he felt steam coming out of his ears' are tired and thin;you could do better with a little thought. Thanks for entering.




*Riptide*
*Two Large Oaks*


 SpaG –  5 of 5   Solid punctuation with some non-standard usages – the semi-colon and ellipsis in the first sentence come to mind. Good work.


 Tone & Voice – 3 of 5   There area number of dicey word choices in this piece that caused me to come up out of the story to try and figure out why they were used. In the first paragraph, '...he walked passed' should be 'past', later on 'The weather balanced on a downpour or...' didn't work for me, I would have preferred 'between' to 'on'. The last line of that same paragraph also seems to be trying way too hard to be 'writerly'. I don't understand what 'skidded a dangling leaf back' or 'a ladenpath' mean.


 Effect – 6 of 10   The odd word choices really hampered the effect of this story for me. It also suffers from a rather bland interpretation of the prompt. From the moment the story opens the end is never in doubt.


 Total 14 of 20   Overall a pretty well told tale which suffers from a case of writer-itis, that's a common –but curable – disease in which the writer tries too hard to be clever with word-choice, or construction and, instead, gets in the way of the story.




*Makili*
*When House is Wrong*


 SpaG – 4 of 5   Some comma issues. Some awkward phrasing (I know English is not your first language –and you do a very nice job with it for the most part – but, it still has an effect on the score).


 Tone & Voice – 3 of 5   I think you were trying for a light hearted tone in this one and you achieved it in spots, but the overall tone was inconsistent.


 Effect – 7 of 10   You got a couple of points from me for your take on the prompt. A nice twist. Good job with that! When considered as a whole, however, the story was just too inconsistent and the language issue kept pulling me out of the tale.


 Total 14 of 20   I really hated downgrading this story for the language issues – especially since you do have a generally excellent command of English – but I have to apply the same standards to all entries. As I mentioned above, your interpretation of the prompt was very creative and that made this tale an enjoyable read. Thanks for letting us read it.




*The Sound of Sirens*
*ned*


 SpaG – 3 of 5  Two repeating issues: First, each speaker's dialogue should be its own paragraph, and second, there were a number of times when a period was used in dialogue preceding a dialogue attribution. One example was; “I'll pass on the kebab.” I told them...  The period should be a comma.


 Tone & Voice – 5 of 5  Written very smoothly, with a consistent, under-stated voice. 


 Effect – 7 of 10   I like how this story is set-up and how it progresses. It reads longer than the word count, which is good, that means it pulled me in. Early on, however, it felt like you were trying awfully hard to be clever. 'The specter of a hangover...' and 'squeezed my eyes open' didn't work for me.


 Total – 15 of 20   Very well written,with good dialogue and pacing. Barring the few grammatical hic-cups, and great little story. Thanks.




*Anonymous*
*Old Man Carson's House*


 SpaG – 3 of  5   Each speaker's dialogue needs to be it's own paragraph, not just it's own line. Also, there are a couple of missing words; 'It leered at *him *in return,' and 'like *a* deep,dark forbidden monolith...' 


 Tone & Voice  – 5 of 5   Very nice. Reads butter-smooth and has a steady, clear voice.


 Effect – 10 of 10   A solid take on the prompt, very well executed. The ending has real emotional punch.


 Total – 18 of 20   One of the best entries I've read in a while. It works. It will stay with me. Thanks for submitting it.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Squidtender's Scores]  Baba Yaga 
 The Collector 


 Spelling/Grammar: 4 
 Tone/Voice: 4 
 Effect: 6 


 Review: This piece has some good elements in place, but suffers from the restriction of the short word count. The pacing for this should be much slower and would need thousands of words to accomplish this. The tense was an interesting choice, yet again, the word count hampered the attempt. Also, the Tales from the Crypt-esque ending was a bit corny. It might have worked in a longer version, but here it felt tacked on at best. The author should seriously consider going back and rewriting this to around 5k words. It really might become a fun ride.  



 Anonymous 
“Black Eye" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 3 
 Tone/Voice: 4 
 Effect: 8  
 Overall: 15 

 Review: The first thing that jumped out at me was the piece needing another edit. There was very little flow from sentence to sentence, paragraph to paragraph. I felt the need to go back and reread parts to understand where the author was going. But, this is easily fixed with dropping of a few words, clarifying a few sentences and an overall deep-down edit. Beyond that, there was some heart to this story. The author had a good grasp of who the MC was and brought out a subtle depth in such a small time. I could feel the practiced mask of the character starting to slip off as she met each person and played off the black eye with a flippant attitude. Yet, the harder she held, the faster it crumbled. This was done really well and is no small feat, even for a veteran writer. I was disappointed in the ending. The character deserved something more fitting--something deeper and low-key. This would have been a home run, if not for the edit and the ending.  



 Candervalle 
“Homeward Bound" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.25 
 Tone/Voice: 4.25 
 Effect: 8 
 Overall: 16.5 

 Review: This was a well written, effective piece. I was surprised at how much "story" the author fit into such a small space. With such a limited word count, taking a small subject and expanding it, works so much more than taking a big subject and shrinking it down to fit the guidelines. It's the little details, such as the matchbook and the talk show on the radio (another Art Bell fan?), that drew me into story. I've read the story twice and I'm not sure if I like the ending. It didn't fall flat, nor did it pop...it just was. The story had an underlying creepiness to it and I would have liked to see an ending that was just as subtle and creepy as the rest of the story. What we were given was a little more hammer blow and a little less strangulation. It wasn't bad, but it could have been better. Overall, it was a good one.  



 godofwine 
“Drug Raid" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 3 
 Tone/Voice: 3.25 
 Effect: 6.5 
 Overall: 12.75 

 Review: One of my pet-peeves is repetition of words. Examples:  



 Sergeant Fletcher fumbled with the sleeves on his raid gear, pulled back the sleeve and looked at his watch. “Ten minutes to five. Almost go time.” 


Sleeve twice.  


 Willis continued, “Slick fucker. He’s never been arrested before today. He sells meth, marijuana, and that new shit, Flakka. Must have got that shit from Florida, the shits real popular down there.” 



Shit three times.  



 There should be a tighter, crisper feel to this story. I think it needed a few more edits. And while there was a nice sense of humor to the story, I think the overall tone was cliched. Not that I've ever been a cop or part of a swat team, but the dialogue came across very fake, like bad actors in a movie. The ending was evident from the beginning and felt unrealistic. While there was a few positives to this piece--such as the humor and an understanding of story structure--they were few and far between.  





 Anonymous 
“Oops" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 
 Tone/Voice: 4.25 
 Effect: 8.75 
 Overall: 17.5 



 Ha! This one had me laughing. It was nice to see something that didn't take itself too seriously and just had fun with the prompt. It was a well written piece, with an original voice that I enjoyed. I felt that it could have been a bit tighter and the scenario itself was reaching a bit, but overall I enjoyed reading this one. Then again, I am a sucker for dark humor and uncle Henry jumping into an empty pool tickled my funny bone. Good work! 



 Riptide 
“Two Large Oaks" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5 
 Tone/Voice: 3.5 
 Effect: 8.5 
 Overall: 15.5 



 Overall, this piece worked for me, but there were a number of factors holding it back. The first was over-description. While it wasn't terribly abusive, there were a number of times that it should have been dialed back. Less is more, as the saying goes. Example: 



 With a grim smile and a solid stride, he broke the branches in his way, his feet smacking compact dirt. He unscrewed the cap of his canteen and took a swig. Vodka heated his blood while the wind picked up. It took the edge off his anxiety. Perched at the hill top at the end of the trail, the house rose like a Phoenix from the stormy weather. The heat built through his veins, arousing him to a new level. 



 That's a lot going on in one paragraph. Grim smile, solid stride, compact dirt, heated blood, rising Phoenix, stormy weather, heated veins, arousing levels...it becomes tiring for the reader to be beaten by the Mad-Libs monster.  

 The second issue is show, don't tell. Example: 



 Thoughts fell apart in his frontal lobe, and seeped lower, into his primitive Limbic section. The heat grew to an unbearable urge. 



 While I know that there is a limited amount of room for showing over telling, I don't think it would have taken much to show him changing from citizen to hitman. Yeah, he flipped a switch, but saying it isn't as effective and showing it.  



 Again, I felt this story worked overall, but it's the details that need to be addressed. If brevity is the soul of wit, it's at least a major organ of good prose.  



 Makili 
“When house is wrong" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 4 
 Tone/Voice: 4 
 Effect: 8.25 
 Overall: 16.25 



 This was good. SPaG, Tone, everything was done well. I would call this a safe piece. It was well written, the ending made me smile and I found it entertaining. I wasn't wowed, but I wasn't meant to be. It was meant to be fun and cute and it succeeded.  



 ned 
“The Sound of Sirens" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.25 
 Tone/Voice: 4.5 
 Effect: 7.5 
 Overall: 16 



 Huh...I don't know how to feel about this one. It was well written, the story was tight and concise, but that ending. It really killed it for me. I thought I was going to get a funny ending, something about Derrick, or the MC was sent to the wrong house on purpose and he was going to wake up next to someone unexpected. I think the right ending could have pushed this into the winners circle.  



 Anonymous 
“Old Man Carson's House" 
 Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 
 Tone/Voice: 4.5 
 Effect: 9 
 Overall: 18 



 I'm still shocked at how much the author got across in so few words. This was a really, well done piece of work. I could feel the heat of summer, the smell of hot asphalt, hear the cards in the wheels. Clear, concise, yet, detailed enough to bring us into this little snippet of time happening in this world. I think this brought something new to the "crazy old man house and the neighborhood kids" genre. It felt like Jack Ketchum doing a Stephen King impression and how can that not be fun? Bravo to the writer of the best story in the September LM!  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Makili's Scores]  This was my first time to judge this type of contest, and it was quite a challenging, but rewarding experience. I would just like to say that I gave my scores and feedback as a reader, rather than a writer. Also, it is possible that I have missed a point of some of the stories because I am not a native English speaker and come from a different cultural background, but maybe my different perspective and lack of understanding will help your stories become more universal.  
 I hope that all of you would find my feedback useful and that it will help you improve your writing skills.


 Author: BabaYaga
 Story: The collector
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3,5
 Effect: 8
 Overall:16.5

 Review:
 I really liked the idea behind the story. And how you combined the contemporary topics of reality TV craze, psychological issues (hoarding) and the fairy-tale/horror character (modern day Baba Yaga).
 I felt a nice build up to the end of the story, the events definitely drew me in, and I was looking forwards to the end. I also liked the dark humour with which the story ends. Now I can't stop imagining what happened to the crew.
 The one thing I had problem with was the present tense. Its use was original, but for me, it wasn't appropriate for the tone, and it killed the mood and atmosphere. I felt like reading a script for a single take movie scene, rather than a story.

 I particularly liked those two sentences:
 "The dull grey roots of her unwashed hair transitioning suddenly to vivid orange at its wiry ends." (really showed the eccentricity of the character)
 "But then, and too late, she hears the guttural, back-of-the-throat snorting that precedes an opaque, sticky glob of phlegm hitting the breast of her pink cardigan." (vivid description, achieved the irony through the use of contrast).


 Anonymous
 Story: Black Eye
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3,5
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 13.5

 Review
 I liked the narration of the story - it made me follow Barbara around like I was drifting by her side. However, I was left wondering  what the story was about.
 My understanding is that it is about a girl who has been abused by her stepfather. If so, then why would she be so cheery all the time (and not the kind of cheery that hides internal grief and struggle)?
 I found this particularly confusing:
“Did you know? Because _I_ know. And I won’t forget.”
I felt like she wasn't bothered by the abuse as much as by the fact it left her with the black eye. 
 So overall - I think the main idea should be more clear.


 Author Candervalle
 Story: Homeward Bound
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 9
 Overall: 19

 Review
 I liked the narration and the language that really set the mood and the atmosphere. The darkness was looming, with every sentence the tension was rising and I was expecting something really bad to happen. The gap in the consciousness gave a real psychological horror feel. It reminded me of the movie "In the mouth of madness".


 Author Godofwine
 Drug raid
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3,5
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 12,5

 Review
 Nice build up – I could feel the nervousness of a new man on the job, the peer pressure, how the more experienced colleagues are like "let's get this over with and hit the pub". And how it all led to a disaster.
 The ending/interpretation of the title was a bit expected.
 I was a bit bothered with the repetition of words – sleeve, shit, and then there was: he said, and then he said, and the other one said... The conversation could really lose all those saids (which would help the word count as well).
 There were a few spelling mistakes, like the position of quotation marks.


 Author Anon
 Story Oooops
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 5
 Overall:14

 Review
 Mid-life crisis with a bit of a twist. A bit of a déjà vu in terms of originality.
 Nicely written, nevertheless.


 Author Riptide
 Two Large Oaks
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 7
 Overall:17

 Review
 I liked the vivid descriptions, and the shifts of perspective that made the story very dynamic.
 The final twist was a bit expected.
 I thought that the metaphor of a house rising like a Phoenix was a bit over the top (Conchita Wurst came to mind immediately :wink: ).


 Author Ned
 Sound of Sirens
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 5
 Overall:13

 Review
 From the opening (waking from a dream with a hangover), I kind of knew what to expect, so my expectations deflated and I continued reading not expecting any surprises.
 I was also a bit confused about what really happened here. Clarisse: did he mix the names? Did he go to one house and ended up at another?  Has he just avoided being burned alive in the wrong house?
 Maybe all that confusion was deliberate to demonstrate some point. If not (be honest), then clarify things!


 Author Anonimous
 Old Man Carson’s House
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 9
 Overall: 19

 Review
 Great use of language for creating vivid descriptions, mood and the atmosphere. There was a nice build up and a great twist. I loved the shift of perspective (making a point that things are not always what they seem). This story was a great allegory on the long-term consequences of war.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Prinzecharming's Scores]  *Good evening, 

* Sorry for the delay! I try to keep my promises, promptly, but life pops up with the unexpected. A few of these stories were difficult to follow. Required more time, and if anything - I didn't want to give up on something simply because it wasn't clear. Thanks for this opportunity. As always, I am here to help as much as I can. 


 Anthony 


 Hey everyone! I am intrigued about this month’s prompt! This was a bit difficult on my end to critique. I wanted to try my best to provide the most honest feedback I’ve ever provided. 

 Have you ever been at the wrong house? Perhaps, the wrong house at the wrong time? As always, don’t worry too much about the scores. If you need some time to discuss anything I said within my critique, let me know outside the score board. I am here to mentor you with your writing. I try my best to offer as much as I can to rediscover your inner potential. Keep writing, continue participating, and the reward will be closer than you’ve anticipated. Good luck!

 BabaYaga

 The Collector

 SPaG: 4

 Tone/Voice: 3.5

 Effect: 6.5

 Overall: 14

 First and foremost, welcome back to the LM challenge! By entering “one of these things,” I am going to try my best to help you with your writing endeavors. Typically, I will critique the title first. Your title is intriguing. What kind of collector? I am ready to find out more.

 Okay, I am slightly confused with what you meant in the first sentence. I understand no room in the van. “Drive” is throwing me off the most.








 Originally Posted by *BabaYaga* 

 
There’s no room in the drive for the van, so the crew park in the street..



What did you mean, “in the drive” in this context? Did you mean, ‘driveway’? Did this already happen? Did they just park or were they parked? Watch your verb tenses. I believe you wanted, ‘parks’.







 Originally Posted by *BabaYaga* 

 
The voice sounds rough and wet, like thick bleach poured down a corroded drain.



This is intriguing! I like the word choice used here.







 Originally Posted by *BabaYaga* 

 
An unremarkable woman, somewhere between sixty and a hundred.



Years old or pounds (weight)?

 The hoarding scene is typical. There’s really nothing but things on things. The overall imagery is engaging for the reader. I felt as if I was there. The humor at the end was a bit dry. Thanks for sharing.

 Black Eye

 Anonymous

 SPaG: 3

 Tone/Voice: 3

 Effect: 5

 Overall: 11

 The title is straightforward and instantly opens the door to post-conflict. Now, who dealt it, who received it, and why was assault necessary? Let’s find out. As I begin reading your story, I’d like to show you an effective way to attract the reader.

 This is the original:







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
Barbara had her very first black eye, and she made no attempts to hide it.




 Barbara, wearing her first black eye, made no attempt to hide the different shades of purple and red.

 Now, add a location after ‘red’. There’s so much more potential to build from what you previously offered to the reader. Engage the reader. This will boost your effect score.







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
At school, Mrs. Wallpole asked her what had happened. She’d frowned and fussed and tried to get a better look at it.



Okay, see. We get the location. Why not build into the first sentence?

 Let’s take the example, and add to it.

 Barbara, wearing her first black eye at school, made no attempt to hide the different shades of purple and red among her classmates. Mrs. Wallpole was concerned about Barbara’s face. She fussed and tried to get a better look at it.

 See what I did? “At school” should have already been implied. Who is Mrs. Wallpole? The teacher? Verify this in your story. We don’t know. Again, who is Old Caramel? You need to refine and provide clarity. Try using commas when you want to describe someone’s role in the story. Example:







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
When Mr. Grady the postman asked her if everything was okay ...



Try something like:

 When Mr. Grady, the postman, asked her if everything was okay ...







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
When Mr. Grady the postman asked her if everything was okay in a hushed voice as she got to the walk in her front yard, Barbara had kissed him on the cheek and told him that she had no idea what he was talking about.



Now, this is a bit long.

 Breakdown Bullets:

 1. When Mr. Grady

 2. the postman

 3. asked her if everything was okay

 4. in a hushed voice

 5. as she got to

 6. the walk in her front yard

 7. Barbara had kissed him on the cheek

 8. and told him that she had no idea

 9. what he was talking about.

 Do you really need all that?

 Try:

 Ex.

 Mr. Grady, the postman, asked her if everything was okay. Barbara had kissed him on the cheek and told him that she had no idea what he was talking about.

 That simple. We don’t need to know about the hushed voice. That should be implied. What what? The sidewalk?







 Originally Posted by *Anonymous* 

 
She sat for a moment on the stoop that led away from the house and took in the smell of roses and wildflowers that the old woman next door grew.



The imagery could be more effective with the right word choice and placement. You’re building this relationship between the two characters. We want to be engaged. Your readers, at this point, want to explore that backyard. Try to refine this sentence.

 Ex. 

 She sat for a moment on the stoop to appreciate the scent lingering from the elderly woman’s roses and wildflowers from next door.

 Ex.

 She sat on the stoop to appreciate the floral scent lingering from her elderly neighbor’s garden loaded with roses and wildflowers.

 As I am reading toward the end, I feel as if the story is bland. It lacks engagement for the reader. The sentence fluency, or word flow, is slightly difficult due to the word choices. Try to refine your sentences and make them more solid by removing unnecessary verbosity. I wish I could more involved in this story, but I am not feeling it. I see the potential, and the personality at the end. When you focus on the reader, and how to gain their attention throughout the piece, you’ll have a better story. There’s a lot of room for clarity to guide the reader more effectively from start to finish. Thanks for sharing. 

 Homeward Bound

 Candervalle

 SPaG: 4.3

 Tone/Voice: 3.5

 Effect: 5

 Overall: 12.8

 The title brings back to one of my favorite talking animal movies filmed in the early 90’s. I doubt this story is going to be anything close to that, but I am a little intrigued. Okay, so there’s a lot of potential for a better story. I am a little confused. I was engaged yet I was a bit lost during bits of information that required more clarity. At the end, I am extremely confused. I thought I was following, but I had a hard time realizing what I just read. First, we’re on the highway. He’s tired. Then, he wakes up to an officer who tells him where to go. What was the motive to burning the home? What about the intent to burning his family alive? There’s so many unanswered questions. I am not sure if I should care about this flaming family or toast some marshmallows? Anyway, try to make the reader more involved with the story other than watching someone pull over the side of the road and later watching his house burn while his family is inside. Thanks for sharing. 

 Drug Raid

 godofwine

 SPaG: 4.8

 Tone/Voice: 4.8

 Effect: 9

 Overall: 18.6

 Well, it’s a drug raid. Anything significantly different about this one to any other drug raid? Are there clowns involved? Teenagers? Illegal immigrant teenage clowns? The title is what it is. A drug raid. I hope this is engaging. 

 I will admit that the dialogue was the most interesting and engaging dialogue among the entire competition. Kudos. I felt as if I was actually there. I saw what you saw with great details and key information. That’s what made this piece effective and entertaining. Thanks! 

 Oops

 Anonymous

 SPaG: 4.5

 Tone/Voice: 4.5

 Effect: 8.5

 Overall: 17.5

 The title is bland. Oops. Well, now what? Interesting way to describe the love for Nancy. Rabbits are cute. I can relate to the ten years younger. My girlfriend is 9 years younger than I am. The fact that there’s a mistress involved makes this story more intriguing. I believe you increased my engagement by a few notches. Thank you. Now, “business trip” gives us the white lie he used. I usually write it as Jones’. A little awkward about making noises with moving somewhere new. Word choice. Well, how much were they worth? The phone call to the ending was brilliant. Hands down, this is probably the best story I read in this competition. Thank you for a good laugh. Keep writing! 




 Two Large Oaks

 Riptide

 SPaG: 4

 Tone/Voice: 3.5

 Effect: 5

 Overall: 12.5

 What about the two large oaks? The title is just a visual of two large oaks. I guess I am somewhat intrigued. 

 What house? Who’s house? Jame’s house? What’s exactly going on other than dialogue? What woman? There are some interesting ideas but this story requires a lot of clarity. In the beginning, there’s just a lot of repetition. It’s a natural repetition to the point where the reader can understand the reasoning behind it. However, the generalized reason behind everything being repeated is unclear. What’s so important about this location? Why was the car in bad shape? Was the job being a hit man? There’s a lot of uncertainty to make the ending extremely awkward - leaving the reader in a state of, “What did I miss?” I read it over and again - it’s now bothering me that I have barely any relevant information about what’s going on. I wish I was more engaged, but the dialogue was taking value away from the story. Thanks for sharing. 


 When house is wrong

 Makili

 SPaG: (N/A)

 Tone/Voice: (N/A)

 Effect: (N/A)

 Overall: (Judge’s Entry)

 Your titles are always interesting. However, not effectively in a good way. You could easily write your title as, “Wrong House,” to provide clarity to the reader. I could read your title as something being wrong with the house itself, not being the prompt - wrong house. Anyway, thanks for judging. Let’s see what you wrote this time. 

 First, drop “I am exposed to.” Read it over again. Watch your tenses. Lock-ed. You used past tense. Be consistent. 

“Locked inside the living room, my body, mind and soul hurt from extreme discomfort.” 

Why is everyone hurting? I am slightly more confused about the machine. Are you saying that you’re going to install it as the anniversary gift? Like, “Surprise! It’s active and ready!” Please, for the love of her nether parts, don’t say nether parts. Instantly, I think of Minecraft. When you say, “maximum pleasure,” I immediately think of a condom commercial which essentially makes, “tonight was the night I was putting it all in motion” funnier. I am not sure if the use of ‘da’ works as effective as you want it. I am thinking this guy is a tool. The home system is entertaining. I’ll give you that. The ending was a bit weak and saturated with humor. I’ll say weak in the sense of sounding too casual. I would have expected more emotion in this piece. I don’t think they were truly suffering. It could have been the word choice used. Anyway, interesting! The title could have been something more like, “Technical Difficulties.” Thanks. 

 The Sound of Sirens

 Ned

 SPaG: 4

 Tone/Voice: 3.9

 Effect: 6

 Overall: 13.9

 The title is intriguing. What kind of sirens? Public service sirens? Emergency or law enforcement? I am looking forward to this story. 

 The first sentence provides the reader some idea of what’s going on. The sirens could be coming from an alarm clock.  The hangover has this intriguing idea behind the narrator’s possible emotions. ‘Post-party’ confirms that the hangover wasn’t from a solo ride down memory lane and excessive emotional reflection. Wreckage from the deep sea? Interesting. What is The Rose and Crown? Clarification would be nice. I am trying hard to imagine what a response would be like to be a rude question. I guess it’s a matter of interpretation. You might have misinterpreted the reaction as rude. I don’t see it rude as the driver needs to know the destination regardless if he actually knows the destination. You know? When you say “number 31” - I am asking, house number? The ending seems a bit weak. I am slightly confused. Is it the wrong house or not? He met up with the right girl. So, I am not understanding the dry humor at the end other than writing an effective one or seven to be legible. I wanted to be more engaged, but I was slightly lost by the end. Give us more clarification to guide the reader through the elements of your story. Thanks for sharing. 

 Old Man Carson’s House

 Anonymous

 SPaG: 3

 Tone/Voice: 3

 Effect: 5

 Overall: 11

 The title isn’t that exciting. Old, referring to age, Man, referring to gender, reshapes the first impression of the story. Okay, an old man named Carson. His house. Now what? What makes his house any special? Imagine titles are the front door of entertainment. I don’t care what you actually do for entertainment, however you should reconsider the front entrance before your audience (readers) walk into it.

 The first sentence has verbosity:

“Tommy Macon let his Schwinn coast to a stop on the street in front of Old Man Carson's house.”

Drop the fillers. Tighten the sentence.

 Ex.

 Tommy Macon coasted his Schwinn to a stop in front of Old Man Carson's house.

 Beautiful. Character introduced. Action. Object Affected by Action. Clarification that action (coasting) concluded. Location.

 Now, I want more about this house. Moving on:

“The house drooped, almost seemed to frown, disapproving of the youth who sat before it.”

First, give the house more personality for the readers. We want to see what you see. Engage us. The drooping house isn’t exciting until you take a closer look at the craft of writing. Why would the house disapprove the youth? Is that even possible? Could you really have an opinion from an inanimate object? Why would they sit in front of it? Why would anyone waste their time on a sad drooping house? This has little value to adding anything to the story other than the bland appearance, awkward disapproval, and the society involved with the house.

 Now,

“Flies buzzed noisily in the hot stink that summer seemed to bake out of the asphalt in July.”

Please read this over again. Flies. Yes, they buzz. Yes, they buzz nosily. Hot stink. Okay. Summer. I am still not understanding any relevance to the story. This sentence is not necessary. After carrying to the next sentence, we’re now questioning the bet and the people involved.

 In this sentence, “He looked over his shoulder as Scott Dupree and the rest rolled up, baseball cards drumming on the rear spokes of their bikes. They came to a stop behind him.”

We’re now finally introduced to another character. Who is Scott? What significance does he play for this scene?


 Okay, we need some clarification here.

 "Yeah, my ma will be makin' dinner here in a few hours, I'd like to get home in time for it."


 Here. Here as in ... Carson’s house? See. You say ‘here’ but then you say ‘get home in time for it’ which confuses the reader. Omit ‘here and ‘for it’.

“... who shot them all a steeled glare.” Drop ‘all’. 

What is going on? What is Tommy’s position? 

“It leered at [him] in return” should include ‘him’ in there. 


 I like the imagery of the house, but I think it’s too wordy. 

 Ok, we get the challenge and position involved here. Kids will be kids. The sentence, “The front door looked as if it were a million miles away,” is now redundant from the previous line, “It gave the illusion of distance.” 

The ending is slightly confusing until the reader understands it’s more of a POV rather than the reality. I think I enjoyed the ending more than the unnecessary build up. You lead the reader through Tommy’s last minutes of life in the most dragged and exaggerated way possible. I wish I was more engaged but the verbosity was distracting. If you polish this piece, you have a lot of potential to craft a stronger and more enjoyable read. Thanks.  [/spoiler2]


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## kilroy214 (Oct 5, 2016)

Let me be the first to thank the judge's this time around. I usually do not comment after a competition, but I really feel like this was one of the best stories I have written in a while, and I was so glad to share it with you all, and was even more delighted that you (for the most part) enjoyed it. Thank you again for your time and effort in this monthly endeavor, I just wanted to let you know, and I think I speak for everyone, just how greatly appreciated your service is to the LM.


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## midnightpoet (Oct 5, 2016)

Congrats to the winners, and appreciate the judges' hard work and comments - and Kilroy, putting it all together.  I was going for dark humor, glad some liked it. Got the idea from a joke, I'll admit I could have done a better job.


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## Candervalle (Oct 5, 2016)

Thank you judges and kilroy for working diligently on September's LM. I really appreciate the critiques provided by the judges, and I enjoyed the entries put forth.


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## thepancreas11 (Oct 5, 2016)

This is so hard! How do you put all of your ideas into 650 words. I guess that's why they call it a challenge, pank. Shake that rust off.

Thanks judges! Thanks tireless kilroy! Thank other contestants!


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## Makili (Oct 6, 2016)

Congratulations to the winners. 
For me, this was a very interesting and revealing experience. Comparing feedbacks to those of other judges provided much insight. I recomend everyone to try judging at least once...


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## PrinzeCharming (Oct 6, 2016)

*Congratulations*

*Candervalle,BabaYaga 
and Midnightpoet!

**Honorable Mention*
*All Other Participants 

**Special Thanks*
*Volunteer Staff
 Behind the Scenes


**
*​


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## joshybo (Oct 7, 2016)

Congratulations to the winners and even though I haven't participated in a few months, I would like to thank all of you who take time out of your lives each month to make these contests happen.  That includes the organizers, the judges, and even the participants.  These writing contests helped me to realize a lot of shortcomings in my own work, personally, and the knowledge one can stand to gain from being involved in any capacity is invaluable.

As an aside to all of this, I would like to add that if you're active on social media or in a local writing workshop or just a small group of like-minded friends, please spread the word about this site and these competitions to anybody who may be interested.  I can't stress enough what a valuable resource this site has been for me and I'm sure there are a lot of us out there already looking for a place to learn and grow as writers.

Good show, everybody!


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## ned (Oct 8, 2016)

congrats to the winners - and thank you to the judges

Ned


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## BabaYaga (Oct 10, 2016)

Yay! Second is so much better than I could have hoped for, and a big confidence boost after a long time out of the 'game'. 

Thank you so much to all of the judges who took the time to read through and provide really good, constructive feedback. It is greatly appreciated.


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