# An Unhealthy Relationship



## Smith (Feb 24, 2015)

Press me to your lips.
You breathe me in.

Now drink me up,
to put out the fire.

I'm not sure what's worse -
you using me, or me letting you.

Either way I was burned,
and I lay here empty.

You got what you wanted,
when and how you wanted it.

Hope you wake with the worst hangover,
tortured by irresistible withdrawal.


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## Firemajic (Feb 25, 2015)

Smoldering...scathing...wounded...Smith, I like this. Who has not felt the sting of feeling that they have been used--then abandoned...The last 2 lines just don't make the cut for me...IMO, you need to work them into the poem in a different way...Nice work though. Thanks for sharing.  Peace always...Julia


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## jenthepen (Feb 25, 2015)

I love the way this equates to love and booze. The phrases work perfectly for both. I'm not sure which you had in mind when you wrote this but that just makes it better. We can all make of it what we will.

Clever stuff.

jen


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## Theglasshouse (Feb 25, 2015)

Definitely was an interesting read, and it was a different take on alcohol. I think it worked well, and it had a unique tone I can't describe. Great talent was probably needed, to write this. I have yet to see your other works, but it was a mature take rather than immature.


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## Smith (Feb 25, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> Smoldering...scathing...wounded...Smith, I like this. Who has not felt the sting of feeling that they have been used--then abandoned...The last 2 lines just don't make the cut for me...IMO, you need to work them into the poem in a different way...Nice work though. Thanks for sharing.  Peace always...Julia



Appreciate the comment Julia. I am very satisfied with this poem. The bluntness of the last two lines I feel represent the raw emotion well. However, I am glad you brought it up, because I could potentially expand on it in a brand new poem! 



jenthepen said:


> I love the way this equates to love and booze. The phrases work perfectly for both. I'm not sure which you had in mind when you wrote this but that just makes it better. We can all make of it what we will.
> 
> Clever stuff.
> 
> jen



Glad you caught onto that. Seeing that means the message got across clearly. I was also trying to metaphorically represent cigarettes, but that may have been less obvious, which is alright. That's what I always try to do with my work. Keep it simple, yet still deep and meaningful to the point where the reader can interpret it and relate to it personally, while getting across everything I wanted to. I think I can finally say I accomplished that to some extent here. 



Theglasshouse said:


> Definitely was an interesting read, and it was a different take on alcohol. I think it worked well, and it had a unique tone I can't describe. Great talent was probably needed, to write this. I have yet to see your other works, but it was a mature take rather than immature.



Pssh, I still have a lot to learn. ^_^ But thank-you. I've been told my other work is similar, so maybe you'll like it. It makes me so glad to hear my work called mature. Proof that I am growing. 

And all thanks to you guys! This site has been a blessing.


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## mkpuppet (Feb 26, 2015)

I can feel the emotion in this poem. I think it could make a great lyric.


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## Smith (Feb 27, 2015)

mkpuppet said:


> I can feel the emotion in this poem. I think it could make a great lyric.



Sweet, thanks!  I actually used to write "lyrics" when I first started out. It's kind of how I discovered my love for poetry. Would've kept at it but can't play an instrument.


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## yogodiexhoods (Mar 21, 2015)

Being in a relationship is a lot like swimming. Could be very awkward, scary, and embarrassing the first time with you flapping your arms all around the first time. After a while you get better at it and it becomes natural.


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## escorial (Mar 21, 2015)

the last two lines took away the impartiality of the piece


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## dannyboy (Mar 21, 2015)

first six lines work for me...the emotion is powerful but not sulking...then we get to the sulking (it grows through the next six lines) and the poem (for me) loses its power.


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## Smith (Mar 22, 2015)

escorial said:


> the last two lines took away the impartiality of the piece



Was intended.  Thanks for reading man.



dannyboy said:


> first six lines work for me...the emotion is powerful but not sulking...then we get to the sulking (it grows through the next six lines) and the poem (for me) loses its power.



Thanks for the honest feedback. ^_^ I just write how I feel, and of course not everybody will always be able to relate.


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## escorial (Mar 22, 2015)

your confidence is showing man..more of it dude


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## Blade (Mar 23, 2015)

I think this is a good description of a quandary one could fall into. I do have some minor suggestions that I think would allow it to flow a little better.

Drop ‘You’ in line 2, comma at the end of line 1.

Drop ‘to’ in line 4.

Drop ‘here’ in line 8

The last couplet is right on. A healthy relationship does not make you angry and vengeful, I think.



> I'm not sure what's worse -
> you using me, or me letting you.


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## Smith (Mar 23, 2015)

Blade said:


> I think this is a good description of a quandary one could fall into. I do have some minor suggestions that I think would allow it to flow a little better.
> 
> Drop ‘You’ in line 2, comma at the end of line 1.
> 
> ...



I will consider your suggestions Blade! Also happy to hear you liked the final two lines. ^_^


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