# All but Gray



## BobtailCon (May 4, 2016)

Inspired by this photo.

Still sitting here
in a room void of all but gray,
watching as the last light fades away.

They had warned when he was young,
what but a limping in his leg,
but oh, they knew what it brung.
And then, what'd a vets bill be
if only my friend came home with me?

But now it's too late.
What first a whimpering from the crate
lead to heaven's gates.

And still he looks to me
always my sentinel.
But it's difficult to see
A friend forced away
from me.

And the lights seem so bright,
lights he used to chase.
Lights so purifyingly white.
Life was a game to him,
a simple race.

But it's gone now.
The last light degrades.
And I can do nothing
but sit here
in a room void of all but gray
as the vet takes his life away.


----------



## Firemajic (May 5, 2016)

BobtailCon said:


> Inspired by this photo.
> 
> Still sitting here
> in a room void of all but gray,
> ...



Bobtail, I am a fan of your fabulous poetry, but this one is just not up to your usual high standard... OUCH! I know that is not what you want to hear, and I am sorry.. but I have enough respect for YOU, as a top notch poet.. to be completely honest, I owe you that.. This has a lot of potential... my comments are meant to inspire, and push you to do better, because I know what you are capable of , and this is NOT it... love you bunches...


----------



## BobtailCon (May 5, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Bobtail, I am a fan of your fabulous poetry, but this one is just not up to your usual high standard... OUCH! I know that is not what you want to hear, and I am sorry.. but I have enough respect for YOU, as a top notch poet.. to be completely honest, I owe you that.. This has a lot of potential... my comments are meant to inspire, and push you to do better, because I know what you are capable of , and this is NOT it... love you bunches...



Thanks! A negative response is better than no response. I admit, I tried something different this time around. I wanted to play with more figurative language, and try to not rely on hard rhymes. It probably didn't work, haha.


----------



## Firemajic (May 5, 2016)

awww sheeeeit! yeah, PART of my comments were negative ... BUT, I am still a fan of your poetry... just not THIS poem... and the concept is very good.. not every poem will appeal to everyone... right?


----------



## BobtailCon (May 5, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> awww sheeeeit! yeah, PART of my comments were negative ... BUT, I am still a fan of your poetry... just not THIS poem... and the concept is very good.. not every poem will appeal to everyone... right?



Yeah, I know, I know, haha. Thank you.


----------



## Sonata (May 6, 2016)

Bobtail - I am not experienced enough to comment on whether your poem was good or bad - I just want to say that reading it made me sad but in a way happy.  Because one year, one month, and four days ago I sat on the floor in my salon with my beloved epi girl  on my lap, while my vet came here to give her peace.  At 1am.  Sad because of having to lose her but happy that she would no more have to suffer the curse of the Monster.

So whether your poem was good or bad did not make me think "oh, he has written a not-so-good poem" - it hit me in my heart - but not in a bad way.  So I thank you for what you said in your poem because I can relate to the subject only too well.


----------



## Jay Greenstein (May 6, 2016)

My comments are primarily structural. 

In general, structured poetry should have a constant rhyming structure, so as to provide a background beat. But you wander from alternate rhyming, to rhymed couplets, to... This might clarify.

It also seems, at time, that you are forcing language to the rhyme, with Yoda-speak, and even placing thoughts for which the reader has no context to maintain the rhyme.

A really great resource is the excerpt on Amazon for Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Traveled. He has a lot to say about language, and how attention to prosody can help both the ppoet and the writer of fiction.

Sorry my news wasn't better. Hope it was of some help.

Jay Greenstein


----------



## dannyboy (May 6, 2016)

if you were being playful with this poem, then I think playfulness it what you achieved.


----------



## BobtailCon (May 15, 2016)

Sonata said:


> Bobtail - I am not experienced enough to comment on whether your poem was good or bad - I just want to say that reading it made me sad but in a way happy.  Because one year, one month, and four days ago I sat on the floor in my salon with my beloved epi girl  on my lap, while my vet came here to give her peace.  At 1am.  Sad because of having to lose her but happy that she would no more have to suffer the curse of the Monster.
> 
> So whether your poem was good or bad did not make me think "oh, he has written a not-so-good poem" - it hit me in my heart - but not in a bad way.  So I thank you for what you said in your poem because I can relate to the subject only too well.



Your loss saddens me, I'm glad that my poem was able to provoke emotion, that's all I wanted it to do.


----------



## BobtailCon (May 15, 2016)

Jay Greenstein said:


> My comments are primarily structural.
> 
> In general, structured poetry should have a constant rhyming structure, so as to provide a background beat. But you wander from alternate rhyming, to rhymed couplets, to... This might clarify.
> 
> ...



I appreciate the feedback. I tried something different, and it didn't work. Oh well, there's always a next time.

I'm adding the book to my bookmarks bar, I'll check it out later. Thank you.


----------



## BobtailCon (May 15, 2016)

dannyboy said:


> if you were being playful with this poem, then I think playfulness it what you achieved.



I was playing with rhyme structure, and how I could use a lack of structure to provoke emotion. Thanks for the feedback.


----------

