# Sunset Tower (1627 Words) (Explicit word warning)



## JellyTrigger (Jan 9, 2018)

Dear fellow writers, 

I know it has been a long time since I have posted here. I recently had affairs come up that sapped away most of my free time and was not able to write much. I hope to change that for this new 2018 year hopefully. Please enjoy my short story below, as I still believe it needs heavy critiquing. 

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

[h=2]Sunset Tower[/h]
*Warning: Most occurrences in life don't have satisfactory  conclusions as people, places, and our world as we know it bends and  turns into timelines without a fulfilling ending. Continue with this  warning in mind. *
 The month of September had just begun, and our summer vacation came  near to its inevitable end. Soon autumn leaves would fall again,  proceeding its yearly routine. Instead of sulking about it, I wanted to  enjoy the last of my vacation while I still could. Besides, I still had  something I needed to do.


 I decided to go play tennis with my best friend Juliet. Sports wasn't  necessarily one of her strong suits, but I enjoyed her company. We  planned to meet up at the track a few blocks away from my house. When we  arrived, I reminded her of the rules and showed her how to play before  we got started. Every time she swiped the ball with her racket, it  skyrocketed into the air and out of the court. I made sure to bring  about twenty tennis balls beforehand, expecting the worst, but in about  five minutes each one had shot over the sun and out of the court.  Unfortunately, it wasn't long for our game of tennis to quickly become a  game of fetch.  I chased after each ball not wanting to trouble her  with such a menial task, but I could see the subtle frustration in her  face begin to form.
 She continued apologizing each time a ball would fly out of the  court, which I found rather adorable the first few times. Then, it  quickly became annoying as her apologies and my fetching seemed almost  routine. Like the daily grind in a regular and boring nine to five job. 


 As we continued to play, she started to practice with her racket  between breaks. I gazed at her while she practiced our fourth break,  trying not to stare. She was wearing white shorts, a black t-shirt, and  Vans. The apparel wasn't anything dazzling, but the way her curvy body  fit into them was captivating. 
 Half way through our next break I decided to drink some water while I  glanced once more. She was practicing as usual when she suddenly  whipped around and locked eyes with me. Surprised, I quickly averted my  eyes in the opposite direction. The quick movement caused the water in  my throat to go down the wrong way and suddenly I entered an  uncontrollable coughing fit. 
 In a flash, Juliet was already by my side as I turned back around  toward her. By then, my coughing began to cease. "Are you okay Sin?" She  asked with a worried expression on her face. "Yeah, I'm fine, I just  had some trouble swallowing." I replied.  As her gaze drifted around my  face, we locked eyes for a moment once more. Her silvery blue eyes were  both alluring and mysterious, like the depths of a great sea. Drawing me  deeper and deeper into her personal ocean of emotions. 


 Juliet turned her head away from me, braking our eye contact as she  stood up, appearing uncomfortable. "Why are you staring at me like  that?" She quietly seemed to ask almost completely under her breath.  "W-What?" I stuttered back in what seemed to be a reply. She gave a  quick light hearted sigh and said, "Never mind." while she started to  walk away. "Maybe we should call it quits for today?" I suggested as I  started to stand up. "I was starting to think you would never ask." She  said while continuing to walk further away. 


 It didn't take long for us to gather our things and start making the  trip back home. She didn't say much while we walked, I wondered if I had  made her feel uncomfortable. The hot afternoon sun was beating down on  us heavily. It began to make carrying the equipment more of a chore. I  noticed Juliet had broken into a vigorous sweat but appeared to act like  it didn't bother her. "Is everything alright?" I asked, curious to hear  what her response would be. "Yup." She replied with what seemed to be  the quickest response ever. I knew I had only dragged her along when  sports weren't Juliet's thing, but I decided to treat her to some ice  cream as a secret sign of apology at the corner store. 
 She ordered a red, white, and blue Popsicle that looked like a jumbo  pencil or perhaps a large crayon. I ordered some chocolate scoops of ice  cream in a cone, only the manliest of flavors. Usually the corner store  was crowded and noisy, but most of the people in town were away  enjoying the last bit of summer vacation they had left. In the parking  lot, trash ranging from plastic bags to empty wrappers fluttered with  the wind, like tumble weeds. As we were about to continue our journey  home once more, I spotted the local water tower only a few blocks away  in the distance. "Hey, remember when we used to sneak up on the tower  when we were kids?" I asked while I posed a sly grin. "Yeah, we used to  go there all of the time when my mom wasn't home to scold me," she  replied just before releasing a giggling laugh, "she thought you were a  juvenile delinquent." I looked up in the air and said slowly, "Your mom  thought any guy you hung out with was a 'delinquent' who listened to  heavy metal and drove motorcycles."  We then turned to look at each  other, immediately busting out laughing. "So," I said still chuckling,  "want to go up on the tower with me?" Her face overtook a puzzled  expression and then stutteringly replied, "S-Sure, but let's hurry  before the sun sets."


 We arrived just in time, the sun was just beginning to set. Juliet  had a bit of a worried expression on her face before we climbed, but it  seemed to have relaxed when we finally emerged on top. "I always thought  the view was good from up here." I said in a cheerful voice. She smiled  back and said, "Yeah I guess." She looked at me with yet another  worried look in her eyes and quickly turned to her feet. "What's wrong? I  asked with a stern and direct tone. "I'm kind of afraid of falling..."  She muttered almost under her breath. Upon hearing this, an almost  animal instinct came over me. I wanted to make her feel protected and  safe, to remove all her worry.
 "Really, well how about I make you feel just a bit better up here?" I  said while I wrapped my arm around her waist gently. She clutched her  hands onto mine immediately afterwards. Her face turned bright, almost  matching the color of the sunlight. It was only later that I realized  she was probably embarrassed. I wasn't really the brightest kid on the  block.


 The wind whistled around us like we were on top a tall mountain or  skyscraper. Car horns and police sirens could be heard quietly in the  distance. "Being up so high," Juliet began in a cripplingly sad voice,  "makes the world seem so far away." I thought about whether she meant it  in a positive or negative way, but to this day I'm still not so sure.  The sun began to cast my silhouette across her face when I realized why  she'd been acting weird earlier. The signs were obvious after all the  events that happened recently, but I still blocked them out. "Your mom  can't control you anymore Juliet, we'll still see each other." I  responded confidently. "Well, Sin, there is something I have to tell  you." She said in an unfamiliar tone, like a relative had just past or  her dog turned up missing. Her body pulled away from my arm and she  placed her hand on the railing, flinching her hand away before putting  it back. "Ouch, it's fucking freezing!" She exclaimed, my eyes widened  with surprise by her sudden outpour. She didn't regularly swear,  especially around me. "Are you okay?" I questioned, unsure I wanted to  know the answer. "I'm moving away tomorrow, you're right my mom can't  control me, I'm moving far away from her." My mind went blank and I  paused silently for a moment. I broke the silence with what seemed like  the only natural reply for me, "Oh awesome, make sure to send me a  postcard sometime." She turned and looked at me, like she was taking in  one last look of my appearance to keep with her. Suddenly, a vibration  stole the moment while her phone shook in her pocket. "It's probably  mom, I need to go," She was already starting down the ladder when her  eyes peeked at me, "Catch you later alligator." I took a step backed  shocked, there was so much more I wanted to say, to tell her, to share  with her, but before I knew it she was gone. I finally found the words  to shout, "Juliet!" down the ladder but she had already vanished into  the now twilight scenery. 


 I missed her leave the next day, oversleeping while I tossed in  turned throughout the night. Right after I woke, I ran over to her house  in my PJ's and fuzzy giraffe slippers, her mother standing out in her  front lawn looking out at something. I still don't know what she was  looking at, perhaps a cloud or bird, but I was certain Juliet was gone  when a tear fell down her mother's already dry eyes. It's been three  years now and I still haven't seen her since. I still see her face in my  dreams sometimes, with that familiar look of confusion and uncertainty.  Still giving me another stare into my naïve boyish eyes...


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## H.Brown (Jan 9, 2018)

Hi, I enjoyed reading your short story and while as you warned the ending is nit as I would have hoped, it lends to the sense of realuty you have established and maintained through out your short story. There are some formating issues, i.e. Spaces between paragraphs, but overall it reads at a nice pace and the action keeps the reader going.

It could also do with a language warning in tge thread title as you do use swear words, just a friendly suggestion.


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## Jay Greenstein (Jan 9, 2018)

Tighten, tighten, tighten. You're far too verbose, and using ten words to say what eight will present with more impact.





> *Warning: Most occurrences in life don't have satisfactory  conclusions  as people, places, and our world as we know it bends and  turns into  timelines without a fulfilling ending. Continue with this  warning in  mind. *


Begin your story with story, not cryptic notes from the author. It's a given that you are about to entertain the reader, and they want to focus on the story, not advice that no one will take seriously. I say it this strongly because this opening paragraph is a guaranteed rejection in any publisher's office. Why? Because as a fiction writer your goal is to make the reader feel  as if they are living the story, not having someone explain it.





> The month of September had just begun, and our summer vacation came  near to its inevitable end


Do you really have to tell the reader that September is a month? And does the reader care that some vacation activities preceded the opening? No. In fact, the entire first paragraph is unnecessary. It's too general. You say the character has something to do. What does that tell us that sets the scene, develops character, or moves the plot? Nothing. It's someone we can't see or hear, and know nothing about, talking in a voice devoid of all emotion.

My point is that story happens. It's not talked about in overview. Reports give a synopsis, but stories must be lived. Having the narrator talking with first person adverbs doesn't change the fact that as a reader I am not on the scene with the protagonist. Instead, someone who lives at a different time and place is recalling events and explaining their purpose and significance. That can work in person because _how_ you tell the story provides the emotional content. But only you can visualize the scene in your mind, and only you can hear the emotion in the voice of that narrator. And that means you cannot simply provide a transcription of yourself telling the story. Instead, you need to look into the tricks of the trade that help us place the reader into the persona of the one living the scene—the craft of fiction writing. In other words, you need to entertain the reader instead of just informing them. So some time spent with a few books on fiction writing structure and technique would be a huge help, and make the act of writing more fun. Although they never tell us during our school days, we're taught only nonfiction writing skills, to prepare us for employment. Think of how many essays and reports you had to write as against how many stories and you'll see that.

But that aside, look at how tightening the writing can help:





> Soon autumn leaves would fall again, proceeding its yearly routine


You already set the scene in September. Do you need to tell the reader that leaves fall then? Perhaps you might want to, to set the scene in the Northern hemisphere, but do you need the words "begin to?" And since the reader knows they fall every year, do you need "again?"

And in line with that, why explain that it happens every year?





> Instead of sulking about it, I wanted to  enjoy the last of my vacation while I still could.


What do the words, "about it" add that's necessary? And how necessary are the last four words? aren't they implied by what went before?

In short: Tighten, tighten, tighten. Make every word count. The fewer words to say something, the faster the line reads, and, the more impact it has.

Not the kind of news you were hoping to hear, I know. But I thought you would want to know. But no matter what, hang in there, _and keep on writing!_


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## JellyTrigger (Jan 10, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> Hi, I enjoyed reading your short story and while as you warned the ending is nit as I would have hoped, it lends to the sense of realuty you have established and maintained through out your short story. There are some formating issues, i.e. Spaces between paragraphs, but overall it reads at a nice pace and the action keeps the reader going.


​


H.Brown said:


> It could also do with a language warning in tge thread title as you do use swear words, just a friendly suggestion. ​​




Dear H.Brown,

I really appreciated your enjoyment out of this short story! The formatting was expected as transitioning from a Microsoft Word document to text on here removed and even added spaces where there shouldn't be some. However, I will admit a few errors due to formatting were probably my own doing. Oh, thank you for letting me know about the additional warning that should have been added! I forgot to add one myself since it's not consistent throughout the entire story. If I can figure out how to change it I'll surely do that!

Anyway, thanks again for your honest feedback!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer​


Jay Greenstein said:


> Tighten, tighten, tighten. You're far too verbose, and using ten words to say what eight will present with more impact.Begin your story with story, not cryptic notes from the author. It's a given that you are about to entertain the reader, and they want to focus on the story, not advice that no one will take seriously. I say it this strongly because this opening paragraph is a guaranteed rejection in any publisher's office. Why? Because as a fiction writer your goal is to make the reader feel  as if they are living the story, not having someone explain it.Do you really have to tell the reader that September is a month? And does the reader care that some vacation activities preceded the opening? No. In fact, the entire first paragraph is unnecessary. It's too general. You say the character has something to do. What does that tell us that sets the scene, develops character, or moves the plot? Nothing. It's someone we can't see or hear, and know nothing about, talking in a voice devoid of all emotion.
> 
> My point is that story happens. It's not talked about in overview. Reports give a synopsis, but stories must be lived. Having the narrator talking with first person adverbs doesn't change the fact that as a reader I am not on the scene with the protagonist. Instead, someone who lives at a different time and place is recalling events and explaining their purpose and significance. That can work in person because _how_ you tell the story provides the emotional content. But only you can visualize the scene in your mind, and only you can hear the emotion in the voice of that narrator. And that means you cannot simply provide a transcription of yourself telling the story. Instead, you need to look into the tricks of the trade that help us place the reader into the persona of the one living the scene—the craft of fiction writing. In other words, you need to entertain the reader instead of just informing them. So some time spent with a few books on fiction writing structure and technique would be a huge help, and make the act of writing more fun. Although they never tell us during our school days, we're taught only nonfiction writing skills, to prepare us for employment. Think of how many essays and reports you had to write as against how many stories and you'll see that.
> 
> ...



Dear Jay Greenstein,

I have to start out by saying that all of your feedback is extremely valuable to me. That being said, I have to disagree with the first topic you brought up concerning the warning. I'm not worried about publishing this story or having it rejected solely due to the opening. The purpose of this was to let readers know that this is just a snippet of a person's life. It's not intended to be a story with a fulfilling conclusion or even a huge plot twist. Often times the experiences that shape who we are remain subtle and seem to hold no significance. Also, I added the warning in the beginning of the story to not interrupt the latter parts. I'm not sure what you mean by, "Begin your story with story, not cryptic notes from the author.​", as quotes and sometimes a paragraph are included by many famous writers in novels before the start of a story. In conclusion to this topic, my goal was to have it explained. I want the reader to quickly understand this isn't a typical story in which all their questions will be answered.

The main paragraph may not be flashy, but it's purpose was to create foundation for the story. The emphasis on the summer vacation was important, as the protagonist hints that "something" needs to be done in that time frame. I like to leave this something entirely up to the reader. Hints of what it could be are thrown around the story with nothing conclusive. It's not supposed to be explained, only placed in the back of the reader's mind. Like I stated, this is a snippet of an event in life. Coming into it expecting a full fleshed story would leave the reader disappointed. 

I do agree I tend to be wordy when writing. I read many books such as Stephen King, but I am not one who learns by reading from others unfortunately. I learn by writing short stories like this one so I can work on these kinds of problems. In the past, a lot of my works were bland without much detail. It turned a lot of readers off so I tried to become more descriptive by adding more words. As a result, I often tend to use more words than I need to in order to explain something. However I don't think fluffing it up is a bad thing, but it should have more balance unlike my own story. I tend to do it too much, although I believe keeping it as short as possible minimizes expression. 

I understand what you mean by "story happens", but my objective was to give a brief (because it was very brief) explanation before the detail starts. If the reader is turned of completely and won't read more than my first four to five sentences (where just my explanation is), they never wanted to read it to begin with.

I totally agree with you with, "you cannot simply provide a transcription of yourself telling the story​", but this was only done in the very beginning to give a foundation. After another paragraph, conversations between characters and mannerisms are expressed by both of the characters. 

When you stated, "You already set the scene in September. Do you need to tell the reader that leaves fall then? Perhaps you might want to, to set the scene in the Northern hemisphere, but do you need the words "begin to?" And since the reader knows they fall every year, do you need "again?​" It was used to tell age. That the main character or narrator has seen many autumns and "leaves would fall again". Also, did you mean the word "would" in the sentence? You annotated "begin to" but I didn't include that in the sentence quoted above. 

"What do the words, "about it" add that's necessary? And how necessary are the last four words? aren't they implied by what went before?" It was chosen to give the narrator more of a personality, as if he's speaking to the reader. Putting everything down too short takes away the personality to me as mentioned before.

I appreciate the kind words, but I received worse feedback when I first started to write. My work was quickly stepped on many times over and it took me a while to understand that I'm writing for myself, not for other people. Yes I want readers to enjoy and want to read my stories, but receiving non-flattering feedback should not discourage me from writing. Even though we share a difference in opinion I do need to work on much more when writing and again appreciated your opinion. Formatting and structure is important, but what did you think of the story? Was it enjoyable to read? Did it seem like a typical romance novel? Were you surprised by the ending? I would have loved to get a more detailed review about the content inside my story from you. 

Alas, I think I've rambled enough now. I hope I get the pleasure of having you review some of my works again in the future  .

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer​​


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## H.Brown (Jan 10, 2018)

JellyTrigger said:


> Dear H.Brown,
> 
> I really appreciated your enjoyment out of this short story! The formatting was expected as transitioning from a Microsoft Word document to text on here removed and even added spaces where there shouldn't be some. However, I will admit a few errors due to formatting were probably my own doing. Oh, thank you for letting me know about the additional warning that should have been added! I forgot to add one myself since it's not consistent throughout the entire story. If I can figure out how to change it I'll surely do that!
> 
> ...



There you go.


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## Jay Greenstein (Jan 10, 2018)

> I'm not worried about publishing this story or having it rejected solely due to the opening.


You miss the point. The reason a publisher would reject it that quickly is that _their_ customer wold stop reading at that same point. Your readers have been seeing, and buying, professionally written and prepared writing for their entire lives. And they expect to see that quality in everything they read. No reader will say, "I don't like this, but it's free so I'll keep reading." Sol Stein put it well when he said,                   “Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.” So if you don't know how to handle viewpoint, you are not going to get it right, as that reader views it.





> [FONT=&quot]The purpose of this was to let readers know that this is just a snippet of a person's life.


That's your intent for it. But release your words to the world and you, your intent, and everything but what the words suggest to the reader becomes irrelevant. Your reader is probably someone with a different background, with differing cultural assumptions. Even their gender viewpoint may differ. So you cannot depend on your reader viewing the words in the way you do.

When you read the opening you know who's talking and why. The reader doesn't. You know where we are in time and space. Your reader doesn't. You have a mental image of the situation and the one speaking. The reader has nothing but what the words, alone, suggest to _them_.

I know these are hard words to accept. You have a huge emotional investment in the story, so for all practical purposes I called a favorite child ugly. But it's not a matter of good or bad writing. And you've certainly demonstrated the desire and perseverance needed. But for good or bad, your writing technique is presently limited to the fact-based and author-centric skills we all learn in school. And those skills are designed to _inform_ a reader. You were assigned endless reports and essays in your school days, but few stories. And the stories were evaluated by someone who had probably sold not a word of fiction. After all, if teachers knew the best ways to write fiction wouldn't teachers comprise the bulk of successful authors?





> [/FONT][FONT=&quot] If the reader is turned of completely and won't read more than my first  four to five sentences (where just my explanation is), they never  wanted to read it to begin with.


They're turned off because the presentation skills being used are nonfiction skills that only inform. Your reader wants to be entertained on every page. And that, like the skills of any profession are learned. And certainly you can learn them as easily a I could.

A storyteller, because they are alone on stage, must set the scene, as you're trying do do here. But that's because they have no visuals but their own performance. And as part of that scene setting, they sell themselves through _how_ they tell the story. But how many films begin with a shot of a narrator, who gives a lecture? Plan Nine From Outer Space did, and is possibly the worst film ever made, so do you really want to emulate that approach?

When writing fiction for the page, you have actors who are willing and eager to live the story in real time. And those characters act with emotion because you can tell the reader how they act and speak:

Jack scowled at Frank before saying...
Cindy leaned her forehead against Sam's, and sighed, making little purring noises as she did.
"You're a bastard, Kenny...a stinking bastard."

But where's the emotion in, "I decided to go play tennis with my best friend Juliet."? Spoken aloud, the reader would hear the interest, or boredom, or enthusiasm, etc. in your voice. But on the page you cannot tell the reader how _you_ speak a given line, and that takes all trace of emotion from the words. Added to that you're telling this in synopsis, so there can be no immediacy, and it's like reading a report. The reader knows what happens, but the only sense the protagonist uses is sight and sound. He never stops think that we know of, never evaluates, or hesitates. 

Take a small point:





> I gazed at her while she practiced our fourth break,  trying not to  stare. She was wearing white shorts, a black t-shirt, and  Vans.


Have you ever, in your entire life, "gazed" at someone? Don't you look, or watch, or study, or... My point is that you're trying to be literary. Better to have him be human. But of more importance, this is a report on her dress. Knowing what she's wearing gives me knowledge, but no picture. And given that he's been with her for some time, playing, is this when he finally noticed how she dressed? No, it's when you, the author, decided to insert it.  But it has no emotional impact on him within the scene. But it's his emotional reaction to her that makes it real. You _tell_ us that he likes her. But his response to her would calibrate the reader's view of her. In this excerpt from, _Kiss of Death_, look at the difference between a factual report of what happens and and this meeting between a high school boy and a girl. Like yours it's in first person:

[/FONT]                    Unlike most students, who rush for the exit the second the bell rings, the music program kids tended to hang out in the music complex until they literally threw us out. To us the music rooms were a second home, where we came to practice, socialize, or just kill time. I was standing at the blackboard trying to come up with a word that rhymed with flatulence—writing a poem about the Tuba player—when a voice behind me said, “Excuse, please. I am looking for bandmaster?” She said “looking” as though it was spelled luke-ing.

I turned, with “Vat you vant?” on my tongue, assuming it was one of the girls from the band, and willing to play their game. But when I turned I discovered the single most arresting face in the universe only a few inches from mine.

I’m not sure I can convey the effect she had on me in meaningful terms since I felt her appearance as well as saw it—felt it as a hard punch to the chest.
For hair this angel had wings of glossy black, falling in what a writer would label a silken cascade that demanded my hand reach out to stroke it.
I didn’t though, because that magnificent hair served to guide my eye to a face that defined the term, exotic. Pale, almost luminous skin, touched gently at the cheeks with rose, and so smooth as to appear to be virtually without pores, covered cheekbones that drew accent marks across perfect cheeks.

But that was no more than a frame, and I found myself drowning in a pair of eyes that can best be described as coming straight from an illustration out of The Arabian Nights. Huge and softly brown, with pupils of liquid darkness, those eyes literally impaled me and rendered me unable to speak, or to move, or even to breathe. She had such a profound effect on me that the chalk slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. That brought me back to life.

“I— What?”

  “You tell me where is bandmaster?”    [FONT=&quot]

Notice that we are not with the narrator. Instead, we're in the room—as-the-protagonist—and noting events in real time through his senses and reactions. No one has to tell the reader how he feels, or what his motives will be in what follows. Notice also, that we're in real-time. He notices her and reacts by looking more closely. He notices her hair, next, and reacts to it. That leads to her face and his response to that. And each motivation and response ticks the scene clock, which will give the reader a feeling that time is passing. Isn't that more fun that reading a synopsis of the events happening to someone we know nothing about?
[/FONT]


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## SueC (Jan 11, 2018)

Jay, what a terrific response.


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## JellyTrigger (Feb 27, 2018)

Dear Jay Greenstein,

I apologize for the very late response to your post, I had some urgent matters spring up that I had to attend as well as a loss in the family. 

From what I gathered in your post to make sure I understand you correctly, is that I should make my writing style more appealing for readers. The way I can do that is by shortening my sentences from over detail and giving my characters and their narrative more personality. I believe the point you were trying to make is that even if I have an interesting concept or story, if it's not executed correctly it will not be interesting to the reader and I agree with your point. I believe initially I misunderstood what you were trying to point out. Of course small, but major points like word usage is also a problem. 

I apologize for the confusion and hope you will review my work and help me work on my many faults in the future. I have many ideas for stories in my head, but it means nothing if I can't transfer them onto paper in a functioning way. 

Thanks again for your review.

Sincerely,

Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer​


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## MrTickle (Feb 27, 2018)

JellyTrigger said:


> Dear Jay Greenstein,
> 
> I apologize for the very late response to your post, I had some urgent matters spring up that I had to attend as well as a loss in the family.
> 
> ...



Hey jellytrigger, I just wanted to stick my head in and say I enjoyed your story. I found it written with passion and lots of nice details that added to the scene setting like the crisp packets blowing away when they went to get ice creams. I liked the fact that your story ended on a sombre note, it gives it a more realistic quality. 

I get that you're just starting out and any early 'mistakes' are simply you growing as a writer and learning. Don't feel worried that you will write a story with the same 'mistakes' in again because its those 'mistakes' that help you improve. I think you have solid writing talent and as time goes by and as you keep writing you will find your unique voice because I can see from this piece that you already have your unique voice in there somewhere.

I think the best thing to do is not try and overload yourself by trying to apply everything Jay said straightaway, most of those things will come to you naturally as you keep writing.


Looking forward to reading more!


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## Jay Greenstein (Feb 27, 2018)

> s that I should make my writing style more appealing for readers.


Exactly. And the good news is that's the learned part of the profession, and as easy to learn (or as hard, I suppose) as were the report writing skills we learned in school. The idea is to make the reader feel, and care, because they feel as if they know not only what's happening, but how that impacts them, through their avatar, the protagonist. In a way, it's the opposite of explaining, and it's what we call "showing," but in reality, it's giving the reader the protagonist's viewpoint.

We leave school believing that viewpoint is point of view—the personal pronouns we use, "I" as against "he." But it's not. Think of yourself. From the moment you wake until sleep claims you, you live a linked chain of cause and effect. You open your eyes, and your eyes see the bedroom you've been seeing every day. Nothing has changed so you notice but don't react to it. So if we're reading in your viewpoint we note only that you're awake and getting up. In general, in a story, we're not concerned with the mundane, and repetitive things in the character's life, and only mention waking if, for example, the next line would be something like:

.....As Jack sat on the edge of the bed, yawning himself awake, a tickle
in the back of his mind said that something was wrong—out of place. 
But what?
.....Then, it came to him. In the corner where he always tossed his shoes 
was a...

Did you, for even a moment wonder what it was? If you did, the piece was doing its job. How was that different from how most hopeful writers present their work?

First, notice the flow. He sits up, and because he knows what the place looks like, and because the size and kind of furniture doesn't matter to him, or to the events in the scene, I mention only the fact that something from his subconscious is making him uncomfortable. But by doing so as I did I, incidentally, told the reader that he was waking, and in a bedroom. I gave him a name, and let them know what was going on. And where, who, and what are the three things a reader needs to know quickly, so as to be oriented, and have context.They don't have to be presented on one lump, as was done in this, but the reader needs context before, not after a given line (cause before effect, so to speak).

So he wakes and is motivated to wonder what's wrong, and so, as a reaction, investigates, just as you and I would. He sees many things, but we need the reader to know what's happening at the speed he's doing it in life, to keep the story from going into slow motion, so his reaction, and the motivation to next act is to wonder what it is.

So we've implied that his reaction to wondering is to scan the bedroom, or blink in thought. No need to tell the reader, because it's what you or I would do, so we let the reader fill in that part as a consequence of wondering, which makes it _their _story, too. And having set it up with the mention that he thinks there is a problem problem, we know what the reader's reaction will be.

So the result of wondering is that he notices whatever has happened in the corner. How long did that take? What did he see? Who cares? The question of what was wrong was raised, and so must be addressed. A catalogue of what there was to see would serve only to slow the narrative and remove the impact of: "What's wrong...oh, that's...oh my god..." Fewer words without losing your unique voice or understanding=more impact.

Notice that we're in real-rime, and in the moment that the protagonist calls now, with each motivation/reaction causing the scene-clock to tick forward. That gives the reader the feeling that time is passing in the story, as we watch—or better yet, experience. And placing it in his viewpoint, making him our avatar, is how we do that. Remember, no two people look at events, or objects in the same way. And how we view the situation determines how _we_ react to it. So by making the reader view the scene as the protagonist, our reactions are calibrated to the character's in a way the details of what _can_ be seen and what happens can never do. In other words, fiction as against a history book.

It's a trick, of course. It's not a matter of good or bad writing, but of framing. And once you see it, the value of doing that to the reader is obvious, It will give them a stake in what's going on, and curiosity matching the protagonist (also fear, excitement, lust, etc.). But given that our schooldays never prepared us for anything but explaining, and gave us the impression that writing is writing, and that we need know no more about presentation, is it something you would have realized for yourself, simply by writing? I can't answer for you, but until it was pointed out to me, I never got it. So all the writing I did was making me better and better at writing my stories as a report, rather then placing the reader into the boot-prints of the protagonist, peering at their reality and reacting to it.

Here's an article on that trick, a condensation taken from my favorite book on writing technique (which has lots more). Chew on it a bit, till it makes sense. Then try rewriting the opening in that style. It won't be easy. But instead of forcing the action to the plot, adjust what the protagonist is perceiving, and his background/personality/needs to make him _want_ to do what the plot needs. That's going to be a bitch, because your present writing habits will scream that you're doing it wrong, but in the end, it will be a lot more fun to read. And once you make the technique automatic, more fun to write.

For an expansion of what I was saying about viewpoint, you might also want to read my article on viewpoint, _What in the Hell is POV?_ Site rules say any links to our own writing must be at the bottom, so I can't link to it here..

Hope this clarifies.


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## JellyTrigger (Mar 7, 2018)

Dear MrTickle,

Thanks for the response, sometimes even writing a review is difficult (trust me I know lol) so I appreciate your time and dedication. I understand that writing does take time, but I honestly wish it was easier to grasp since I'm already so busy. I don't get the time to write as much as I want to. However, when I finally do find the time, I get frustrated because I'm not able to adequately put my plot into words I'm 100% satisfied with. This story is probably the closest I've gotten to putting my true thoughts down on paper so it was difficult to accept my still very "green" writing skills. 

I don't ever see myself quitting, but I thank you for your encouragement!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

Dear Jay Greenstein,

I honestly wish we wrote more stories in school now that you mentioned it since I hated writing reports anyway! However, I understand that one must write stories often to pick up their own voice, writing style, and professional techniques. This can't be obtained through other types of writing like reports. I just need to muddle through it even if I get stuck sometimes. Also, I need to make my writing unique with uncommon detailing. 

Interesting enough was the "where, who, and what" critique, I didn't realize that I should focus on those details early on when writing. Orientation is important, but it seems explaining these things early on is more vital as noted. 

I'll rewrite it again and post it once I've had time to digest the articles and regained some of my confidence on this piece. I appreciate your continued review and support with my work. Right now I'll try to reflect my writing based on some of the issues you notice, implement points from the article, and lastly your own viewpoint article before I write another short story again. For now I'll try to focus on paragraph stories to get the hang of this.

Again I really appreciate your help.

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer
​


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## JWriter (Apr 14, 2018)

I enjoyed reading the story although I do agree that the disclaimer at the beginning of the story was kind of off-putting, and made it hard to enter the real "beef" of the story.


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## Sync (Apr 14, 2018)

Hello

I read your story, then read a few of the critiques. It is great to see such helpful advice offered freely. So here is some of mine.

All in all, the story is fine. Not publishable yet, but I imagine it's still in a draft yet. There are a few things that I will mention, that you can use or lose.

I don't believe the warning adds anything that I, as a reader, don't already know about life. Yes, it can be tough. Instead, show me why it's tough for them, I want to experience it at that same moment, so the impact is the same.

This is why the warning worked against you, for me.

Did they not speak until the first break? Even when they first met?

I think you are beginning to understand writing prose, but still(as you mentioned) are learning the finer art. You need to work on linking your objects and actions to moments where they mean most. Though this is a story, it's flow isn't as smooth as it could be. You go back and forth when it should move forward. Even backstory moves the story forward. 

I'll give you an example of what I mean:



> The month of September had just begun, and our summer vacation came   near to its inevitable end. Soon autumn leaves would fall again,   proceeding its yearly routine. Instead of sulking about it, I wanted to   enjoy the last of my vacation while I still could. Besides, I still had   something I needed to do.



month of September (autumn)
summer vacation (summer)
leaves falling (autumn)
last of summer vacation (summer)

this is the time line of actions in your first para after that warning. 

I like the data, but your flow is chaotic. Sentence reconstruction easily fixes this. You keep the data needed, but move the story forward always. 

When they first meet, you use a lot of words to show something that could be shown with imagery in less. 

an example:



> Sports wasn't  necessarily one of her strong suits, but I enjoyed her  company. We  planned to meet up at the track a few blocks away from my  house. When we  arrived, I reminded her of the rules...



........ one of her strong suits, but I enjoyed the company. We planned, and met up at the track a few blocks from my house. I reminded her of the rules. 

this is just an example to show my meaning. Keep in mind your use of pronouns. They don't need to be eradicated, but with a talking head narrative, they can add up. '''   I enjoyed the company  -  her can be implied. 

We planned, and met up  - shows two actions at once, and puts them both at the same place and time quickly. 

a few block from my house  -  away is understood. 

when we arrived - taken care of by 'met up'  that way you don't repeat that action.

So little things can break the flow. It doesn't mean the story is bad, it just means it could have been smoother.

Don't get too caught up in opinions, instead of blindly following them, read, understand, learn, apply them to how you wish to express things, how your voice works.

Best writing to you

Thanks for the read

Sync


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## Jay Greenstein (Apr 15, 2018)

> I just need to muddle through it even if I get stuck sometimes.


That would be like reinventing the wheel. No need to try to figure out everything that's been learned over the years by yourself. What you're missing is that in school we learn nonfiction writing skills—and focus on writing reports—because the entire purpose of public education is to provide industry and commerce with a pool of workers who have a standardized and predictable set of general skills _thry_ find useful. In other words, the traditional three R's. What kind of writing will the vast majority of employers want from us? Nonfiction: reports, papers, letters, and essays. And you're pretty much ready for that. But because the _kind_ of work you'll be doing—your trade or profession—is uncertain, we're not given more than a taste of professional knowledge because specialties are learned post-graduation from high school. And fiction is as much a profession, with specialized knowledge and tricks of the trade as any other. So though we never realize it, we leave high school exactly as well qualified to write a novel, perform a hysterectomy, or pilot a commercial airliner. The difference is that we know we're not either pilots or surgeons. 

It might be nice were we able to learn the tricks of fiction through our reading. But did we learn screenwriting by watching films? Do we lean how to use and care for a chefs knife by eating in a restaurant? 

By reading we learn a lot, but because we see only the finished, and polished product we don't learn the process of creating and shaping that product.

My point? When "muddling" we make mistakes  we don't see as mistakes because we lack knowledge. In the words of Mark Twain, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”      And that's fixable. A really good intro to fiction writing techniques is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, available for download from any online bookseller, or in hard copy from Deb's site. It's a warm, easy read, like having a conversation with Deb. Read it slowly, with plenty of time for thinking about each point, and practicing it enough to make its use automatic.  Then, after using the tricks for six months read it again and you'll get just as much in addition, as you did the first time.

Then, a year later, when you have a handle on it, and want more, pick up Dwight Swain's, Techniques on the Selling Writer.


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