# Mythic evolution



## dannyboy (Nov 16, 2017)

thanks everyone for great feedback. I have significantly altered the point of the poem having decided in the end the original intent did not work at all. 


edit 1
Mythic evolution:

The bull-god lifted his head,
parted lips and bellowed; 
immortality discarded
for a moment of release.

Pasiphae felt resolute
when god and goddess met;
her womb a cave 
capturing the earth. 

Minos watched from afar;
no mortal can argue
when a god takes form
to engender renewal.

In the writhing figures
Bull dancers shimmer;
stare deeper still, see sword
and thread undoing.

The beast to Crete
allowed seas to flow;
Poseidon’s desire 
heard in the minotaur’s roar.

The white bull stumbles;
plans set in stone
suddenly transform
in the labyrinths’ heart.



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The bull-god lifted his head,
parted lips and bellowed; 
immortality discarded
for a moment of release.

Pasiphae felt the tenacity
when god and goddess met;
the womb a cave 
capturing the earth. 

Minos watched from afar;
no mortal can argue
when the god takes a form
to engender renewal.

In the writhing forms
Bull dancers shimmer;
stare deeper still, see sword
and thread undoing.

The beast to Crete
so seas would flow;
Athen’s grip broken
By the minotaur’s roar.

Even the eternal dies;
when plans set in stone
suddenly transform
the world changes again.


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## TL Murphy (Nov 16, 2017)

Cut the article in front of earth, writhes, thread, and seas.  Maybe put the last line in a monostitch.


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## ned (Nov 16, 2017)

hello - you have mythology for the ideas, and your undoubted vocabulary to express them.
and, of course, being mythology, it all sounds dramatic and profound - but that's not enough for me.

in short, the poem lacks poetic zing, at the very least for cadence and rhythm.

you have the story and the concepts - I would say work harder at the craft of the poet.

just one example - toward the end you have roar and transform
so, end it with 'the world changes once more' - just little things that make all the difference.

don't rush out your draughts without bothering to cast a poetical eye - quality over quantity, I'd say.

cheers........Ned


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## TL Murphy (Nov 16, 2017)

It's better to show than tell. A little telling is ok but if there is more telling than showing, the poem doesn't work. In general, concete language shows, abstract language tells.



dannyboy said:


> The bull-god lifted his head,
> parted lips and bellowed; (show)
> immortality discarded
> for a moment of release. (tell)
> ...


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## dannyboy (Nov 16, 2017)

hi TL

all show can create a William Carlos Williams type poem - poems I like but not what this is trying to do 

all tell is terrible in any writing.

Its how the two are combined that interests me.

I've remove two of the article the earth stays (I want no confusion here, not earth but The Earth) the writhing because it only refers the forms of the bull and Pasiphae.

I am not happy with the line even the eternal dies and (despite what some might think) have written that line about 20 different ways but cannot find the image I want - they all end up telling. Maybe I just can't say what I want - maybe I am not sure what it is I am trying to say????

on the monostitch - I have used that a few times in this series - perhaps another time might be a good thing?

ned
I have my poetic tools, you may not think they are there - for me they are - and most of the poems in this series are not "hot off the press" . This one is not that old (maybe a month or two) but Born without horns (for example) I first wrote about three years ago - it was the start of the minotaur poems and I am still reworking it.

as for roar and more - if you hadn't noticed, I really do loathe end rhyming schemes ab ab etc - and worse a rhyme just to rhyme. Usually i go for internal rhymes or repeated sounds. This though what about a series of images and not much else - perhaps it was its shallowness (I confess I really do not know how I feel about this poem) this is a poem trying to be NOT all the things my poems often are to telling, verbose, prosy, narrative etc (and even then TL caught another two articles I can cut).

Thank you both for your responses. I can feel my confusion over what I am trying to do with these poems building - break through, the end or defeat - only time will tell.


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## ned (Nov 16, 2017)

yes Danny, clearly you are not a rhymer, and I do not implore you to be so.

my point is to look for assonance to help the flow - and make for better word choices. 
after the pathos of the previous, 'again' doesn't cut it.

I'm fine with old stories, expressed in a new way - but maybe, there is too much to say here
for the form and, as said, comes across as abstractions.

perhaps, you should focus on one incident, and expand on that more meaningfully.

just a thought.......Ned


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## dannyboy (Nov 16, 2017)

thanks ned.


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## dannyboy (Nov 16, 2017)

Hi ned

on use of the  word again at the very end of the poem.

the point is to connect the again ( endless) with the end of eternity (1st line) - the paradox of things re-birthing endlessly out of things ending.

That first line that isn't working, if I can get it to work - again should then tie the whole thing up - mythic evolution as endless "agains" that see themselves as 'onlys".

Perhaps here a Rhyme would work -  but the rhyme should be again with that first line (as a link)? I'll have a think about it.

Danny


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## TL Murphy (Nov 16, 2017)

Change is constant. In fact, change is the only thing you can count on.  So "again" is redundant.  "The world changes" is at once a statement of the moment and a comment on eternity.  If you want to use the word "again" put it in the first line.


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## dannyboy (Nov 17, 2017)

This is the very thing I am playing with and what I am trying to tie that first and last line to - some people believe some things never change - especially when it comes to beliefs - to some, their God is an eternal constant, it/he/she/they do not change (are outside your everything is constantly changing) - and this belief has been held throughout history - every time the "God" changes  — "the eternal" changes into the new unchanging constant - again.


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## Kevin (Nov 17, 2017)

First two lines feel like two different forms. The lack of "his" in the second
i wondered if the second stansa should read 'had felt'. 
Pasephae felt the tenacity- I do not believe one can feel someone else's tenacity ( or something else's). 
when the god takes a form to engender renewal - sounds like this needs a re-wording -engender sounds awkward (here)
last stanza lost me. Last line is very non-specific. Change how?in what way?


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## Robbie (Nov 17, 2017)

Exactly Kevin. Have been wondering about that ‘tenacity’ line since I first read poem. Haven’t known how to comment but I don’t understand how one can feel tenacity in another.


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## dannyboy (Nov 17, 2017)

yes I was going for she felt the tenacity caught in the human body the god and goddess were having fun with - its all too confusing I think.


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## Pelwrath (Nov 17, 2017)

The bull-god lifted his head,
parted lips and bellowed; *lips parted as he bellowed*
immortality discarded
for a moment of release. *for a moments release*

Pasiphae felt the tenacity
when god and goddess met;
the womb a cave 
capturing the earth. 

Minos watched from afar;
no mortal can argue
when the*(any?)* god takes a form
to engender renewal.


In the writhing forms
Bull dancers shimmer;
stare deeper still, see sword
and thread undoing.

The beastto Crete
so seas would flow;
Athen’s grip broken
By the minotaur’s roar.

Even the eternal dies;
when plans set in stone *When stone set plans*
suddenly transform
the world changes again.

I like this take on the classic Greek myth. Nicely done and thanks for sharing.


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