# Singin' Blues (Haiku)



## Nellie (Jul 7, 2015)

grey skies, smokey air
a high attitude singin'
Rocky Mountain blues.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 7, 2015)

Cool.

Wish I was in Denver too.

Crime has dropped over the past few years... so have traffic accidents...


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## aj47 (Jul 8, 2015)

Nellie said:


> grey skies, smokey air
> a high attitude singin'
> Rocky Mountain blues.



I am unsure what the second line should be. Altitudes typically don't sing.  Did you mean "at high altitude..."?


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## inkwellness (Jul 8, 2015)

You put the mountain scene in my head. Nicely done. As for the second line, I can see what Astroannie is getting at: clarity.


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## Nellie (Jul 8, 2015)

astroannie said:


> I am unsure what the second line should be. Altitudes typically don't sing.  Did you mean "at high altitude..."?



No, I did not mean "at high altitude". The 2nd line IS what *I* meant it to be. I'm talking about a "Rocky Mountain High", the _attitude_ one gets usually, (unless they get altitude sickness) when visiting the Rocky Mountains. We're singing the "blues" right now because of all the smoke that's blowing down from the Canadian forest fires.


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## Nellie (Jul 8, 2015)

inkwellness said:


> You put the mountain scene in my head. Nicely done. As for the second line, I can see what Astroannie is getting at: clarity.



Thanks for you compliment. As for clarity of the 2nd line, it isn't about the 'high altitude' but our great "attitude". It has been brought down--- feeling a bit blue because of the smokey air that's blowing down our way from the forest fires in Canada. Does that clear it up for you?


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## Angel101 (Jul 8, 2015)

I like the image this creates, the idea of being on a mountain surrounded by smoke while singing the blues. I think it's a good idea for a haiku. I agree about that middle line, though. It is unclear. Of course, it's clear to you. Unfortunately, our original intentions with a line or idea don't always speak to the reader. They don't always work. That's why we must revise. For me, it's just too abstract a concept to resonate. I cannot really imagine what a "high attitude" is. Perhaps it's the adjective. I can picture someone have an uplifting attitude, but high is not something someone would generally say about attitude. 

One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten about writing poetry is this: don't try to be too clever. It seems like it would be clever to take "high altitude" and alter it to "high attitude" to convey something else. It seems like it might be a clever play on words. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate and has caused your readers to stumble instead of climbing through this idea with you. That often happens when we try to be too clever. It obscures instead of clarifies. I have to remind myself of this all the time when I'm writing, and it has helped my work immensely. 

You're free to ignore that, but it's just something to think about. Hope that helps! Nice job either way.

Bay


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## aj47 (Jul 8, 2015)

Oh, I see, I misread it.  My apologies.


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## inkwellness (Jul 8, 2015)

My apologies as well. Thanks for taking it well.


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## Nellie (Jul 8, 2015)

Angel101 said:


> I like the image this creates, the idea of being on a mountain surrounded by smoke while singing the blues. I think it's a good idea for a haiku. I agree about that middle line, though. It is unclear. Of course, it's clear to you. Unfortunately, our original intentions with a line or idea don't always speak to the reader. They don't always work. That's why we must revise. For me, it's just too abstract a concept to resonate. I cannot really imagine what a "high attitude" is. Perhaps it's the adjective. I can picture someone have an uplifting attitude, but high is not something someone would generally say about attitude. One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten about writing poetry is this: don't try to be too clever. It seems like it would be clever to take "high altitude" and alter it to "high attitude" to convey something else. It seems like it might be a clever play on words. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate and has caused your readers to stumble instead of climbing through this idea with you. That often happens when we try to be too clever. It obscures instead of clarifies. I have to remind myself of this all the time when I'm writing, and it has helped my work immensely. You're free to ignore that, but it's just something to think about. Hope that helps! Nice job either way.Bay




My original answer disappeared, so I'll just ignore. Thanks, anyway.


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## Firemajic (Jul 8, 2015)

Fabulous!!!! You set the scene, and mood... your message was and is beautiful...You never disappoint... Thanks for  bewitching read... Peace...


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## Nellie (Jul 8, 2015)

Since my first try wasn't successful, I'll go at it again, because this really bugs me.....



Angel101 said:


> . For me, it's just too abstract a concept to resonate. I cannot really imagine what a "high attitude" is. Perhaps it's the adjective. I can picture someone have an uplifting attitude, but high is not something someone would generally say about attitude.



Since I am much older than you, maybe you've never heard of the singer/songwriter John Denver? He wrote the song "Rocky Mountain High" back in the 70's when I was a young teenager. The lyrics speak of how being in the Rocky Mountains gives one the feeling of serenity and solitude, wonderment. That is the "attitude" I am speaking of.

Here is the chorus of the song:



> And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high, I've seen it raining fire in the sky.
> You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply.
> Rocky Mountain high, Colorado. Rocky Mountain high.​






Angel101 said:


> One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten about writing poetry is this: don't try to be too clever. It seems like it would be clever to take "high altitude" and alter it to "high attitude" to convey something else. It seems like it might be a clever play on words. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate and has caused your readers to stumble instead of climbing through this idea with you. That often happens when we try to be too clever. It obscures instead of clarifies. I have to remind myself of this all the time when I'm writing, and it has helped my work immensely.



I'm not trying to be clever. I am trying to convey the idea that being in the Rockies gives one a sense of well being, usually, unless they get altitude sickness. All the forest fires mess with our fresh air and obscure our sense of wholesomeness.


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## Angel101 (Jul 8, 2015)

I'm sorry that you feel bothered. I'm not giving the advice in a bad way, and I don't think I said anything rude. I understand that you have reasons for what you write. We all do. That doesn't mean it works. 

The feeling of serenity in the song is described better than you've described it here. There's a huge difference between "Rocky Mountain high" and "high attitude." One conveys a "high" feeling, or a feeling of serenity as you've described it, and the other... Well, that's the problem I was getting at. I have no idea. Just because you're referencing the song doesn't mean that it works, and to me, that is trying to be clever. Maybe it's not the adjective that's not working. Maybe it's the word "attitude." Perhaps you could use the word "high" but pair it with a word that conveys the feeling that you're talking about. It seems like you chose the word attitude for the syllable count.

Again, I'm sorry if I've offended you. That wasn't the intention. I always try to leave honest reviews. If that's not what you want, I don't have to comment on your poems. I don't want to upset anyone.

Edit: And bear in mind, this is just my opinion. You are more than welcome to ignore it, as I said earlier. I'm not going to change my opinion, but you don't have to listen to it. That's fine. It's your poem.


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## Nellie (Jul 8, 2015)

But you did say I was trying to be "clever". And that isn't what I was trying to do. I wasn't referring to John Denver's song in my poem. I just used that as an example because in your 1st post, you didn't know what a "high attitude" meant. I was only "spelling it out" for you. So, IMO, that isn't being clever. 

And even if I were trying to be clever, that is part of writing prose and poetry.


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## Angel101 (Jul 8, 2015)

You shouldn't have to spell it out. That's what I was saying. That's what I meant by being "too clever." It's obscure, and to me, it doesn't work. That was my initial impression anyway. My impression now is that you picked the word attitude for the syllable count, not to be clever, but something else would make more sense. For example, a "high feeling" would make more sense, but it doesn't meet the syllable requirements for a haiku. Point being, I stand by what I said: I think that line needs work.

 Anyway, I'm not here to argue, but I'm not apologizing for my critique. It's a valid reaction. You can accept it or not. It doesn't matter to me either way. I gave you my honest opinion. That's all I can do. If you want to have a conversation, feel free to PM, but I'd rather not clutter your thread with this.


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Jul 8, 2015)

For pete's sake, it's a three line poem. 

The first and third lines clarify the second. Who's being too clever? It's not like this is the only poem that uses an 'obscure' term. Many of the 'Great Poets,' or the famous ones, have pieces that are like puzzle boxes when you read them. I still don't understand them to this day. 

Yeah, when I read a long confusing piece like that, I might feel a little like I'm being manipulated. But...*Drumroll* that's poetry! All of it is as least slightly obscure, emotional, full of imagery and feeling. You can't fault a writer for it, because without it, why would anyone write poetry? It would just be words. 

But this was clear and simple to me. A mellow high and low that I could easily relate to. And I enjoyed it.

Thank you for sharing.


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## Nellie (Jul 9, 2015)

Crowley K. Jarvis said:


> For pete's sake, it's a three line poem.
> 
> The first and third lines clarify the second. Who's being too clever? It's not like this is the only poem that uses an 'obscure' term. Many of the 'Great Poets,' or the famous ones, have pieces that are like puzzle boxes when you read them. I still don't understand them to this day.
> 
> ...



Thanks Crowley. I agree, many famous poems are obscure and full of imagery and emotions. Like you said, poetry needs to be somewhat obscure, otherwise, why would I want to write it.  Everything in life need not be spelled out, even in poetry, for pete's sake.


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## Darkkin (Jul 9, 2015)

I'm a literal, literal translator and it made perfect sense to me.  Denver haiku, not a form of poetry I can do.  Neatly done.


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## xiaoman (Jul 9, 2015)

I like it very much! I am always impressed by your haikus. another cool one. Thanks!


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## Nellie (Jul 9, 2015)

xiaoman, For some folks, haikus are very difficult to write, so thanks for your compliment. I have a good friend who directed me here to WF and she writes great poetry, but cannot write haikus.


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