# It's not finished yet but I need your opinion



## rasha (May 12, 2010)

Ashton Clarck is the captain of the 560Alpha,A military Spaceship. He's a tall, muscled, black-haired man with blue eyes and a scorpion-shaped tattoo on his left arm.​ Peter Wolfe, his right hand, who is a fifty something,  big and muscled man with brown eyes and black hair which is turning gray. He is in trouble. He accidently broke the main engine and that got them stuck in the middle of sector 3750 south, which was isolated and destroyed in year 2368A.D.( that's 12 years ago).​ Nick Cartwright, a young troop,  who is the only one knew that Pete is the one who broke the engine because he saw the whole thing. And after the investigation that was led by Captain Ashton himself, everyone suspected Nick because he was always so nervous.​ "you can't let Peterson take the blame" said Nick one night "he'll get fired!"​ "what choice do I have? If I was caught they'll throw me out" said Peter.​ The moment he said that, a blonde young-looking girl walked in on them.​ "and why would they do that?" said the girl.​ "Excuse my rudeness, Miss Ashley, but that's none of your business" said Peter, his voice shaking.​ "um..sorry, I guess" said Ashley. Then Peter left murmuring something unintelligible under his breath.​ "Hi, I'm Nick" said Nick holding out his hand for a handshake.​ "I'm Ashley" said Ashley shaking his hand.​ "I'll just ..go.." said Nick, sounding nervous.​ They both went each to their dorm.​ Meanwhile, Captain Ashton and the crew were trying to fix the communication problem and not doing such a great job. A new janitor killed the system when he dropped a bucket full of water on the control panel  while trying to wipe the screens. So now, they really are screwed, and angry.​ "WHERE THE HELL IS PETER?"yelled Ashton" SOMEBODYGO TELL HIM TO GET HIS ASS UP HERE RIGHT AWAY"​


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## The Backward OX (May 13, 2010)

You'll do better at obtaining opinions if you finish it first.


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## moderan (May 13, 2010)

What do you need an opinion about, rasha? Welcome to WF, by the way. OX, be nice...this is a new member.


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## darknite_johanne (May 13, 2010)

Post questions with your work so we can answer it with specific critiques. BTW welcome to WF! ^_^


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## The Backward OX (May 13, 2010)

moderan said:


> OX, be nice...this is a new member.


That WAS my nice.


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## WriterJohnB (May 13, 2010)

That's the trouble with a backward Ox. He's not putting his best, er, foot forward.

Welcome to WF, Rasha. You've got beginner mistakes in your post, but that's certainly okay for a beginner. We all started there. I'm up against the wall on time, but I'll come back later to critique and explain.

JohnB


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## ObsessWriter (May 18, 2010)

Sorry, this story doesn't work for me at all. There are grammatical and punctuation errors to begin with, which is annoying.



> "you can't let Peterson take the blame" said Nick one night "he'll get fired!"


*"You can't let Peterson take the blame(comma here)," said Nick one night(period here)."He'll get fired!"
*
The opening sentence seems like you are telling this to a five year old. 



> Ashton Clarck is the captain of the 560Alpha,A military Spaceship.


 Instead you can say something like this:

*Ashton Clarck, captain of the military spaceship 560-Alpha, stands on the deck..........*

Your descriptions also need a lot of work.



> He's a tall, muscled, black-haired man with blue eyes and a scorpion-shaped tattoo on his left arm.


Seems like you are in a rush to tell everything about him in one go. And you don't need to tell everything about him if it is of no use to the story. We can describe him this way:

*He is tall and his muscles toned. His black hair provides a contrast to his blue eyes.  He wears a tight military-green T-shirt revealing a scorpion-shaped tattoo on his left arm. 
*
But, as I said, you don't have to tell us everything about his physical appearance. 

I think you get the idea what to do in your edit.


Keep writing!


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## Reese (May 28, 2010)

Is there a main character in this story? If not, the plot twists must be spectacularly diabolical, a la the show "24." Since I cannot connect to a particular person, the story itself must keep me reading, just as the show "24" keeps a person watching. Though it must be remembered that the connection with Jack Bauer did also keep people watching-- something of a seesaw.

Technically, the grammar isn't that great, as noted above.

You've established the few characters "kind-of-ok" in the little you have written: a saucy, assertive woman on a ship, the burly crusty ship captain, the scared crewmember...but yeah, you need to write a little more to really flesh out the story. Good luck!


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## Linton Robinson (May 28, 2010)

This isn't a story.  You start out talking about a story, then suddenly have dialog.   There's not enough here for anybody to say anything meaningful.
Whether or not there's "a main character", for instance.  Who knows?
But don't feel like you have to squeeze it down to a "protagonist" to make it work.  Plenty of stories use mutliple characters of the same weight.   
What you need to do is either present enough plot line to give an idea what you're doing  or finish enough actual story, written the way you will write your story, to show people what you're doing.


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## Northern Phil (Jun 2, 2010)

> Ashton Clarck is the captain of the 560Alpha,A military Spaceship. He's a tall, muscled, black-haired man with blue eyes and a scorpion-shaped tattoo on his left arm.


 
Far too much detail. Immediatly I question why does he have a scorpion shaped tattoo. Also, left arm is too generic, is the tattoo on this upper arm, lower arm, bicep or tricep. I wouldn't mention the ship name at this point, I would describe the room that they are in or what they are doing.



> Peter Wolfe, his right hand, who is a fifty something, big and muscled man with brown eyes and black hair which is turning gray. He is in trouble. He accidently broke the main engine and that got them stuck in the middle of sector 3750 south, which was isolated and destroyed in year 2368A.D.( that's 12 years ago).


 
His age, you say that he is "fifty something". This is a bad mistake to make and you should enter his correct age, i.e. he is fifty seven. Don't refer to him as his "right hand" as that is to generic, talk about what his position is on the ship and what relationship he and the captain have. The date needs to be changed, don't say "...year 2368A.D.( that's 12 years ago)," because that is extremly poor. If you want people to know that it was twelve years ago then say that and leave out the date. 

You refer to the fact that he broke the main engine, this is another generic statement. You will have to get very technical and detailed here as it is a spaceship, read some Iain M Banks and you'll see the levels of detail that you need to go into. You will also have to go into extreme detail about the star system that they are stranded in. As a reader, if you mention it then I want to know about it, also if it has been isolated and destroyed then why are they in it?

You will also have to focus on one character as you can't begin a story describing one character and then suddenly swoop into another sentence where you're talking about another character. 

If these events take place onboard a military ship then you will have to learn how the military codes and regulations, if you refer to your characters by rank then you will have to say there surname, i.e. Captain Clark and not as Captain Ashton.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 2, 2010)

> You will also have to focus on one character as you can't begin a storydescribing one character and then suddenly swoop into another sentencewhere you're talking about another character.



Sure you can.  Grab a successful novel off your bookshelf and have a look.  Happens all the time.

You realize the first part of this (before some poorly defined limitation) isn't a story but some sort of precis, right?
But still, it's odd that he gives "too much detail", but you demand more.  Or think he has to explain the scorpion right away. (Actually, in my experience, you see a guy with a scorpion tattoo and you already know a LOT about him)


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## Northern Phil (Jun 2, 2010)

You can do that if you have two characters who are interacting with each other, but at this point the captain isn't involved in the conversation that follows the descriptions so it's pointless to mention him at this stage. 



lin said:


> But still, it's odd that he gives "too much detail", but you demand more. Or think he has to explain the scorpion right away. (Actually, in my experience, you see a guy with a scorpion tattoo and you already know a LOT about him)



I never said to explain the scorpion right away, what I said was if you mention something then I want to know why that's been mentioned. What they should do is remove the scorpion reference at this point and enter it later on in the story when there is a natural point in which to explain it. I live in the UK so if someone has a scorpion tattoo or another kind of uncommon tattoo then there is normally a reasoning and perhaps an amusing story why they have it. I'm sure there is a reason behind why this person has a scorpion tattoo and as a reader I would like to know that.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 2, 2010)

Actually, what you said was,  "Far too much detail. Immediatly I question why does he have a scorpionshaped tattoo. Also, left arm is too generic, is the tattoo on thisupper arm, lower arm, bicep or tricep. I wouldn't mention the ship nameat this point, I would describe the room that they are in or what theyare doing."

Too much detail, but give much more.  I didn't understand that.



> I never said to explain the scorpion right away, what I said was if youmention something then I want to know why that's been mentioned.



Bad advice.  Common bad advice, but still.   Actually a tattoo is going to get mentioned.  It says plenty just be being there, as I mentioned.  It might be something that has a significance that will emerge. Or it might not.
Good books are full of little stuff that isn't forced to "further the story line"  or be explained or even translated.
Seriously.  Check it out.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 2, 2010)

But, again, take a look at that mess.   The line describing the captain is not a part of the story, it's like an outline or summation or something.  Then later there's dialog.  It's nothing that can really be critiqued as such.


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## Northern Phil (Jun 3, 2010)

> Too much detail, but give much more. I didn't understand that.


 
I think you've misunderstood what I was referring to. They've described the characters in far to much detail and haven't focused any of their attention on describing the environment that they are in. 



> Bad advice. Common bad advice, but still. Actually a tattoo is going to get mentioned. It says plenty just be being there, as I mentioned. It might be something that has a significance that will emerge. Or it might not.


 
No it isn't. The writer has already mentioned that this is a military ship, therefore you would assume that there is a standard uniform that the crew have to wear. Depending on where the tattoo is on the arm then it would probably be covered by the sleeves. 



> The line describing the captain is not a part of the story,


 
Then you have to question why has it been mentioned if it isn't part of the story.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 3, 2010)

I have.  Twice.    It's not a story...it's a mashup of synop and dialog.  It's a "would this be a good story if I wrote it" thing.  I don't understand why that's not obvious.

The idea that a tattoo would be assumed to be part of a uniform (and therefore needs to be explained more than all the rest of the uniform) is pretty bizarre frankly.  REALLY bizarre for anybody  whose been around the military.  Sailors, for example, have actually been known to sport a tat or two.


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## garza (Jun 3, 2010)

Sailors with tattoos? Shirley you jest. 

But tattoos have been required in some military services. You can define such tattoos as part of the uniform or as a means of ensuring loyalty. If a tattooed member of an insurgent force decides to change sides, leaves his own lines, and is captured by government troops, he would have to be a very fast talker to escape summary execution. Even rapid-fire Spanish or Khmer might not be fast enough. Thus the tattooed rebel tends to remain faithful. 

Am I dreaming, or are some posts from yesterday missing?

Edit - Also, perhaps an unintended side effect, the tattoos help to separate the bodies after a firefight. Very often the uniforms of insurgent forces are captured government issue. 

'This one is ours, those two are theirs...' That helps if you are keeping a body count.


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## InSickHealth (Jun 6, 2010)

I think that descriptions can be very stale if they are simply stated. An example of this would be...



> Jim was tall with serious brown eyes and jet-black hair



All you are doing is explaining the physical attributes of a person. It really doesn't have a chance to say anything else about the character at all. But a way that I have found to give a description of a _person_ rather than just the physical appearance would be to describe how he looks through the eyes of another character.



> Jill was intimidated by Jim. His well combed, raven-black hair reminded her of a villain from her favorite movie. She couldn't even imagine a smile piercing through his stone face.



I feel like using this trick can be much more descriptive, and gives the reader a chance to visualize the character through his look and his demeanor.


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## MrDeadman (Jun 6, 2010)

I do agree with the first reply. It is hard to offer much on an unfinished piece. At this point the story could go in several directions and that's really for you to decide, but if you want advice on the writing we'll collectively help you as a whole. being a draft you might already be aware of this, but I highly recommend to reread the story and look for missing much needed words. Read it calmly with a clear mind and you'll find them. Second, if you intended the initial dialog to be awkward, like the awkward conversation that people often have when introducing themselves to another, then you did good.


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## Reese (Jun 12, 2010)

It's a plot-oriented start. It's all show and no tell. Which is fine, though it is heavily "tell." It just depends on whether the author intended it to be this way, of which we have no confirmation.

Stop fighting amongst yourselves.


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