# Sabrina's Vine



## stellar (Dec 15, 2014)

_Hi , just writing a quick prompt. Feel free to offer up any suggestions, or ideas. _

    Sabrina thought about having another twizzler from the bag. She wouldn't feelgood after, but she felt there was something missing from her frame of mind. The act was automatic, and she dove into another stick. 

    "Well,Sabrina. One more doozy." She ignored the swaying urges. It wasn't the time to listen and well Sabrina agreed that this momentary lapse of judgement wouldn't change much i the long run as she tasted that familiar dusty flavor. 

    "Ah well." She knew some things about today would be like the next,only moderately less like it was. Everything in life changed slowly.That's why it was all different. But she also believed in a world behind our eyes. 

    "Okay."She said. Her words were meant for herself. There was nobody now.Well some people were walking away. They would pass in less than a minute. Then the street would be all hers. 

    "I can't help you change everything big, or all at once. I don't even have the confidence at all that I can change things." She was always planning her escape. From this oppressive world. 

    "Sabrina."I said. she couldn't hear me. She never listened to me either. We shared sodas sometimes. She was down the way. I worked on scrubbing a stain out of the wall at my work.

    "Sabrina,you know what I'll say." She didn't nod. More like nodded off."Okay then." I thought. Sabrina was lucky I had the night shift. 

    There's so much I wanted to tell Sabrina. I felt her pain. Nobody listened to her fears. They were too great and too fearsome. Not even I could defeat the demon she saw in her eyes. But for now she slept soundly,safe for the moment. Her greatest enemies were at bay. 

    When she was fired up, we used to argue. We always argued. It was our thing. I don't know why I didn't act more forceful against her. Maybe steal her stash until she cleaned up. She'd find a new one. Again.Again. And again.

    It made her feel fine. She damaged a few trash cans here or there. A park bench smeared with leftover food, some car window broken. She did little things that pissed people off. I still let her go on and have another. 

    Did she know? "I know." She yelled. 

    I'd lay off for now. Maybe it didn't mater then. She might have conquered the dragons long ago and now there was nothing else to do. Call me selfish. I only cared about her demons. She was nice, but she messed things up too much. And it was usually my mop, my broom, my hammer that had to make things right. 

    Sometimes I toyed with the ideas she gave me. "Are the dragons gone?"I asked once. 

"You're such an ass!" She told me off good that time.

    Okay,no patronizing then. To be honest, I knew half of the things coming out of her mind were bullshit. I'd lived it just as long as her to know there was more than enough bullshit around. Every day we all used our restrooms making more of it. And we didn't want to make more. There was no telling how much more someone who wanted to, could make. Who was I to tell her she was wrong? Sometimes I believed her. One time I saw it too. Her dragon. 

    It was several hours later. She woke up, feeling a little better. It was nice to know she felt a tad better. But things were still more or less the same. This time it wasn't worse. But she played dice with these nights. What else could she do? I kept sweeping.


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## tlchap (Feb 8, 2015)

This story seems like it has a good core to start with. But, there isn't enough imagery for me. I don't mean to nit-pick, but i'm a visual reader. This doesn't seem to build the environment or situation around the conversation. I like the small mention of seeing the dragons. It leaves you wondering " What are the dragons?" in a good way. Up until that point I didn't know what was going on or who was who. Nice concept though. Just needs a little bit more detail of description to draw the picture. It is just a personal opinion from my reading and writing style. Keep up the creative flows though. I like the direction its going. :encouragement:


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## Toot Sweets (Feb 9, 2015)

I admire your rather unique approach Stellar. You might consider adding a language tag to your thread, just FYI. I agree that more vivid imagery would certainly help this one along, but it did occur to me that perhaps your ambiguity was by design. In many cases that intrigue can hold a reader's interest, but there is also something to be said for eliminating plot confusion, especially if the story is progressing in such a manner that it could be misconstrued for something completely different or incorrect, resulting in a mislead/confused reader. I love the candy reference by the way! Would I be incorrect to assume that the Twizzler line is a double entendre alluding to some form of substance abuse?


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## Lone Wanderer (Feb 9, 2015)

I personally don't write with a lot of description of the environment especially when there's a lot of dialogue, it breaks it up. I can't judge the ambiguity at this point mostly because of if its a first chapter, few first chapters build a concrete foundation on the exact situation of what happening in the world.


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## musichal (Apr 18, 2015)

I have no idea exactly what your story was about, but enjoyed reading it and trying to puzzle it out.  However, I'm not certain that I really want to know.  This is one of those times when I feel ambiguity is an asset;  it left me wondering and pondering.  Had you provided more context, I doubt I'd still be thinking about your story.  Good job.  Polish it a bit but leave the ambiguity is my take.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (May 6, 2015)

agreed with what musichal said; polish it


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## Carousel (May 16, 2015)

Sorry, I have to agree with the comments above. To me it reads like 600 odd words searching for a plot, or a page lifted from the middle of a novel. It’s not a question if the writing is good or bad, it’s just that the piece has little to interest the reader.

Advice? Think of a plot, a story to tell, with a beginning, middle and an end.


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## Bevo (May 17, 2015)

For me it felt like I started reading in the middle of a book, I was not sure what was going on as a story but as a story it was good. The end left me looking both ways, I wanted to continue and also see what I missed.

Great job!


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## Abita (May 17, 2015)

Thank you for the interesting piece! I second what others have said about clarifying the plot and subject matter. I'd also change up your sentence structure here and there; a lot of the sentences were very short, which can be effective in small doses, but would have more impact if they interspersed with some longer sentences as well. 

Also, I'd recommend a final proofread before you post. Even those minor grammar/spelling flaws can be distracting. 

Good luck!


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