# Dance of Dreams



## vangoghsear (Mar 3, 2008)

inner voice 
whispered words 
no timbre or tone
grasped in their flight 
without echoing drum

images tumble,
colored embers
drift through void, 
project to screen
alight the stage

reality blurs
finality looms clear

concrete crumbles
memories play
images tumble
blown away
in the 
dance of dreams


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## Lagomorph (Mar 3, 2008)

My initial reaction is this is my kind of thing! A lot of my stuff would (I think) compare to this, though whether of the same quality will be for forum members to judge. Would I be right in describing it as a "parataxis style"?

Lagomorph


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## J.R. MacLean (Mar 3, 2008)

the last stanza is the only one that really works for me.

the rest seems a bit disjointed and list-y 

It's got potential, with a little more choreography and  spring in the steps...


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## angel23 (Mar 3, 2008)

I agree with J.R. MacLean; the last stanza really flows, while the others seem stiffer. But I also like the second stanza. All in all I think it's a good poem, and with some revision, could be a really great poem.


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## Baron (Mar 3, 2008)

You seem to be afraid to venture into longer lines, Van.  I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with the other comments, the jury is out, but I do think that you could experiment a little with the format for sure.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Mar 3, 2008)

I enjoy the flow in all of this, but it seems a bit abstract.


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## Edgewise (Mar 3, 2008)

Enjoyed this piece Vangogh.  It flowed well and captured the feeling of the stage mounted artist equally well.


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## vangoghsear (Mar 3, 2008)

Lagomorph said:


> Would I be right in describing it as a "parataxis style"?
> 
> Lagomorph


Yes, I think that describes, it at least in part.  I will often contrast words and phrases next to one another (not so much in this one).  I find a beauty, and difficulty, in using a bare minimum to express large ideas.   In this case the process of thought.


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## dannyboy (Mar 4, 2008)

I prefer the use of image and so for me  while I understand what you are doing I would rather like an image or two to hang my eyes upon.


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## vangoghsear (Mar 4, 2008)

dannyboy said:


> I prefer the use of image and so for me  while I understand what you are doing I would rather like an image or two to hang my eyes upon.


Thanks for the comment DB.  I see your point especially in this one.  It is a little void of imagery.  It is more a description of something abstract yet real, there is _some _imagery especially in the second and final verses, such as referring to the mind as a screen, thoughts as falling colored embers, and the contrast of concrete vision with their memory being blown away as dust.

JRM, Thanks for the comment, I may try and rework this a bit, maybe attempt to put more imagery in as DB suggested.

Thanks Angel23.  Glad you found some parts you liked.



			
				Baron said:
			
		

> You seem to be afraid to venture into longer lines, Van.


Not afraid, I just don't do it.  I don't know, maybe it's the tradition I come out of.  I am mainly a playwright, so my tendency is to make things less descriptive and more dialog like.  Parataxis style, is the way many people speak.   I am open to change, so we'll see.   Let me know when the verdict is back.

Ilasir, nice catch on the abstract aspect.  Glad the flow worked for you.

Edge, glad you liked it.


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## Mirror (Mar 4, 2008)

Good to read something new from you, Van. 

I appreciate the cadence in this piece, and I'm one to applaud spartan structure (poems stripped to the bare essence), yet, as Baron noted, I'd like to see you post something with longer verses, as well. 

As for the images, not every poem needs imagery overkill to succeed. This one worked for me. It makes use of personification - almost anthropomorphism. I like the utilization of space (its plasticity, versatility), which aptly fits the theme. 

Enjoyed the read.


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## vangoghsear (Mar 4, 2008)

Mirror said:


> Good to read something new from you, Van.
> 
> I appreciate the cadence in this piece, and I'm one to applaud spartan structure (poems stripped to the bare essence), yet, as Baron noted, I'd like to see you post something with longer verses, as well.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mirror.  I'm glad you caught the spacial feel I was going for in the mindscape described.


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## MisterJack (Mar 4, 2008)

oh dear


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## MisterJack (Mar 4, 2008)

I agree that it's good to read something from you again.
I liked this FOR it's sparcity. I liked it for it's minimal imagery. It reflects the content very well, Van

A good read

Jack


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## vangoghsear (Mar 4, 2008)

MisterJack said:


> I agree that it's good to read something from you again.
> I liked this FOR it's sparcity. I liked it for it's minimal imagery. It reflects the content very well, Van
> 
> A good read
> ...


Thanks Jack.  You may like my latest one, Evening Beach, better.  Oops.  Looks like you just checked it out.  I'll go see if you did like it better.


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## Dzhyan (May 21, 2010)

Beautiful. A few suggestions: the use of the words 'screen' and 'stage' are, for me, to directly a reference to something tangible. In the style of this poem, maybe you should use something a bit more abstract, such as 'project to sight' and 'alight the eye' or something in this trend. Also, the re-use of the phrase "images tumble" in the last stanza is a flowbreaker to me: try a different expression, suggestion: 'thoughts will mumble' or something similar.


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## vangoghsear (May 21, 2010)

(Revised)

inner voice 
whispered words 
no timbre or tone
grasped in their flight 
without echoing drum

images tumble,
colored embers
drift through void, 
project to screen
alight the stage

reality blurs
finality looms clear

concrete crumbles
memories play
thoughts jumbled
blown away
in the 
dance of dreams

*http://www.writingforums.com/member.php?40606-Dzhyan*Dzhyan, thanks for your suggestions.  I am not sure I ever noticed that repeated phrase.  It's changed.  

The other suggestion about the "Project to screen" part, I'll think about.  Thanks again.  

Wow, you had to dig deep for this one.  It's two years old!


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

van, before my humble thoughts, post "Evening Beach", please! 

A poem from a playwrite. You caught the essence of the stage and it's the magical possibilities. Best expressed in this stanza, I think.


> images tumble,
> colored embers
> drift through void,
> project to screen
> alight the stage


 
I didn't see a hint of anthroporphisms, here, as mentioned above. I just don't see them fitting for this poem.


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## vangoghsear (May 21, 2010)

SilverMoon said:


> van, before my humble thoughts, post "Evening Beach", please!
> 
> A poem from a playwriter. You caught the essence of the stage and it's the magical possibilities. Best expressed in this stanza, I think.


 Thanks SilverMoon.  Yes, I think that line was a bit inspired by my drama background.

Evening Beach was posted here a long time back.  It's here:

[URL]http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?94925-Evening-Beach&highlight=
[/URL]


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

Thanks, van. I will be pleasingly digging into this one!


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## MaggieG (May 21, 2010)

I will be honest Hun, when I first read the title, nostalgic clips of vomit plastering my comp screen due to once moderating a teen poetry forum came reeling back to me. lol 

But then I read it and was impressed. Why ? Because frankly I can't write abstract poetry to save my own butt that's why ! The last stanza is without a doubt the best ( save the whole "dance of dreams" thingie. ( Sorry Hun  still shivering   You have just enough solid mixed with soft liquidy to make this a much enjoyable read


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## vangoghsear (May 22, 2010)

MaggieG said:


> I will be honest Hun, when I first read the title, nostalgic clips of vomit plastering my comp screen due to once moderating a teen poetry forum came reeling back to me. lol
> 
> But then I read it and was impressed. Why ? Because frankly I can't write abstract poetry to save my own butt that's why ! The last stanza is without a doubt the best ( save the whole "dance of dreams" thingie. ( Sorry Hun  still shivering   You have just enough solid mixed with soft liquidy to make this a much enjoyable read


Ha!  Oh you poor dear.  I would have probably gone nuts monitoring a teen poetry forum ("My life is so bad" "No one has ever gone through what I've gone through" "I love him/her and they don't know it...", gaak.)

Glad you were able to make it through the flashbacks and read on.


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## Gumby (May 22, 2010)

Someone has been mining the archives and digging out little nuggets, I see!   Much enjoyed this van and your edits have made it even more so.


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## Passions (Oct 1, 2010)

This is very good!  The only thing that I would say is that the first 3 segments don't flow quite as well as the 4th.  But keep it up!


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