# Rough Draft



## Angel101 (Aug 6, 2011)

(Removed by author...)


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 8, 2011)

"I’ll blow them to the roof and lick them stiff."

Forgive me if I'm brash, but you certainly have a way with the double entendre in regards to...ehem...well things that must not be mentioned in a kid-friendly zone. Hah, and perhaps that's just my own sick mind, but two recent poems now you have brought up this imagery. I think it's elegant, personally.

Now, onto the poem as a whole. Solid, as always. Your figurative, abstract language is always a strength of yours. 

Once again, I find myself questioning your line breaks. There are places where it feels very misplaced. For instance:

"I hear unwrinkling, gurgles of letters drying
together and streaming like a flipbook."

 One could perhaps argue that the enjambment before "together" leads to a feeling of disconnect, but I'm not buying it here. I think the image is much more powerful if "together" is not enjambed and it instead reads:

"I hear unwrinkling, gurgles of letters drying together 
and streaming like a flipbook."

Just my two cents.


 Also, and I feel I see this a lot in the forum lately, your commas could use work. I realize that we as poets feel the rules have no bearing on us, but I stand by the opinion that proper grammar can add so much to the power of a poem. Likewise - when the rules are broken consciously and for a purpose, the effect can be just as strong. Here, I fear, the lack of commas to separate independent clauses is not intentional. I would suggest studying the subject a bit.


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## Jinxi (Aug 8, 2011)

This is a fabulously emotional poem Angel.



> I could make a line of paper footprints over a continent
> with how much I think about us and where I’d like to step.



These are my favourite lines, but that is the hopeless romantic in me  The imagery in this is so simple, yet so effective.



> I’ll think about you unfolded and exposed.
> How you’ll feel when we’re bound up pages in one room
> and we’re making sound, and we’re making words and stencils
> from our skin.



This is a beautiful way to broach "the subject".   The idea of 'making words and stencils from our skin' is like nothing I have read before. You have an art for creating an idea that works perfectly and creates beautiful images in the eyes of the reader.

I do agree with Squalid that you definitely need to place some commas to break lines and trains of thought.

Very well done though!


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## Angel101 (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks, both of you.

The commas are missing on purpose for the sake of rhythm in this piece, as I mean it to be read in a specific way. I don't question the use of proper grammar in poetry. Like you said, it can be effective; however, I don't feel like it would work here with the way that I need this to be read. Also, this piece is meant to be "rough" in a sense. There's the idea of trying to connect things that are meant to be separate. A lot to explain. But like I said, it was definitely on purpose.  

SG: That image was definitely supposed to be "ehem," so it's okay if your mind is there. Haha.


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## SilverMoon (Aug 8, 2011)

Angel, I think the following speaks to your style of writing:



> For now the paper is wet with all the syllables we spit.
> Too wet to lay down. Too wet to be connected.



Somehow, despite your elegant imagery you manage to be raw which I like.

So many favs but this is such a great visual and seems to cover much of the territory of the whole.



> I want to cover the room in footprints and walk with you
> on the walls and the ceiling.



Such marvelous imagery, as always! Laurie


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