# We the People Are On the Couch [political]



## JP-Clyde (Jan 25, 2016)

Something I wrote when I was angry and annoyed, lol:

I am told that because I am poor and disabled that I have to prove my worth to the government. An all or nothing system that determines how much I am worth. Scrambling on my knees. Looking up, waiting to see a profit from trickle down economics. 

I am starting to get the impression that doesn't work. Ssssh, don't tell the one percent that I know their secret. They may further punish me for being poor and criticizing their politics. What happened to the pursuit of happiness? I thought that belonged to All, not the few who have the power and money.

And We the People?

We make jokes about our past presidencies, our government, the people in charge, the media, and we change absolutely nothing about it. And the people like, writing something like this. Who speak in poignant prose, with no humor. [be still your beating heart, I may add some, in order to be able to say what I have to] Are criticized by our own community.

I am told I am being offensive.

I am being told I am too negative, not optimistic enough.

I am a complainer.

I am just angry with the world and all its people.

You're right, I hate you all, see what I did there. [now you can laugh and not be so nearly offended by my words]

I see and hear all the people around me, who disagree with our system. Instead of pursuing change, we have become complacent. Instead of trying to change it, We the People heavily criticize politics like a referee heavily criticizes a game he can easily make calls and change. 

Correcting the wrong things. Yet, the things we should correct I am told, that is the way it is. That's the way it is and there is nothing we can do about it.

Whatever happened to We the People?

Whatever happened to the Pursuit of Happiness?


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 27, 2016)

Remember what I said about rules not applying all the time? This definitely looks like a list to me,

An all or nothing system that determines how much I am worth. Scrambling on my knees. Looking up, waiting to see a profit from trickle down economics. 

In which case the 'rules' say there should be commas all the way through,

An all or nothing system that determines how much I am worth, scrambling on my knees, looking up, waiting to see a profit from trickle down economics.

On the other hand the stops give an emphasis that shows the anger, so maybe consider

An all or nothing system that determines how much I am worth. Scrambling on my knees. Looking up. Waiting to see a profit from trickle down economics. 

I think "I am starting to get the impression that doesn't work." belongs with this previous section, then you start talking about those that run it rather than the system itself. The structure gives the reader important clues about the relationship of the parts.

Consider your use of the word 'that'. Quite often it is a 'non-word', a bit like the 'Do you know what I mean?' that people often stud their speech with to give them time to think. Look, compare'

I am told that because I am poor and disabled that I have to prove my worth to the government. An all or nothing system that determines how much I am worth. 
to
I am told because I am poor and disabled I have to prove my worth to the government. An all or nothing system determines how much I am worth. 

On the other hand in, "I am starting to get the impression that doesn't work." it is necessary to tell you what does not work. "I am starting to get the impression doesn't work." doesn't work. 



"Correcting the wrong things. Yet, the things we should correct I am told, that is the way it is. That's the way it is and there is nothing we can do about it."

It doesn't work, the impression I get is that it is garbled, you simply tried to get the idea down too quickly and it should read,

We are correcting the wrong things, yet when I mention the things we should correct I am told, "That is the way it is. That's the way it is and there is nothing we can do about it."

I found things like this jumped out when I read aloud. I actually read things aloud and looked at the places that made me hesitate, then, after a while I found I could usually 'read aloud' in my head most of the time, I still find it a useful exercise at times though.

I have confined myself to critting the writing, this is not a discussion forum, but I wonder where you are from? The 'We the people' rhetoric is American, I am English, a very different, blatantly hierarchical, system; God save the King, oops sorry, 'Queen' . Comment enough


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## patskywriter (Jan 27, 2016)

There is probably an audience for every writer, and that, for me, is why everyone who has an opinion about something shouldn’t shy away from expressing him- or herself. Even if this piece doesn’t resonate with me, it might resonate with someone else.


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## Plasticweld (Jan 27, 2016)

I think you did a fine job of getting the tone right, it is difficult to express anxiety with the written word and I think you managed to do that.  It is almost impossible for me to add much to what Olly has already stated.  I do agree that the lack of commas does show a form of urgency that may be lost if you took a pause between each statement.


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## JP-Clyde (Jan 27, 2016)

Olly, actually I am originally from London, well Liverpool. Yet, when I was young about 17 I was moved off to America with my dear old mom. it's always been difficult with me being the outsider because I could easily see how the infrastructure here is broken. 

I need help. But am often denied it here in the states. Due to my age. Or due to a number of reasons. We built a system that doesn't help people. It just furthers buries them. When I was a kid I remember growing up in Liverpool. Maybe I am bias, but I remember getting the help I needed more effictively. Or maybe because I was a kid it seemed easier. I absolutely do not know. But I am dying. Not physically. Mentally though I am suffocating with worry and anxiety.

Because I have to consistently prove to every program there is something wrong with me. I need the assistance, yet no one sees it. They see my age or my youth in general and figure this is something i can cope with.

As to the writing itself; I wanted to create a sense of urgency. This piece is definitely like a prep rally speech. Something I read out loud to some people. Thus the bracket monologues.

Thank you Plastic and Patsky for the replies.


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## patskywriter (Jan 27, 2016)

If you really want to create a sense of urgency and get people to rally around certain issues, I’d suggest studying speech-making. The first thing I was taught, when working with engineers to create white papers for conferences, was to identify the audience. Without knowing who you’re addressing, you could inadvertently deliver a message that’s either incomprehensible or hard to relate to. Not everyone can look at issues from different vantage points, but if you have that skill (or can develop it), you’ll be able to rally the troops, so to speak, and Get Things Done.


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## JP-Clyde (Jan 27, 2016)

I'm a writer. My role models have always been people who changed the world with their writing. I don't do the rally because I just don't have that persuading personality.


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## patskywriter (Jan 27, 2016)

JP-Clyde said:


> I'm a writer. My role models have always been people who changed the world with their writing. I don't do the rally because I just don't have that persuading personality.



I didn’t mean that literally. An excellent writer can rally people around a cause with the power of the pen (or laptop).


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## JP-Clyde (Jan 27, 2016)

It's why I coined the term:

"Behind every keyboard is a killer" i.e. it's my modern version of the pen is mightier than the sword.


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 27, 2016)

Right on, when controlling governments get out of hand the people they stick in prison first are the comedians and the writers, they know who can hurt them and raise feeling against them. Can you write comedy, political satire? It is very effective.


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## JP-Clyde (Jan 27, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> Right on, when controlling governments get out of hand the people they stick in prison first are the comedians and the writers, they know who can hurt them and raise feeling against them. Can you write comedy, political satire? It is very effective.



Didn't I just do that, by saying they can accept my opinions better now that I have a made a joke? lol


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## patskywriter (Jan 27, 2016)

JP-Clyde said:


> Didn't I just do that, by saying they can accept my opinions better now that I have a made a joke? lol



Making one joke is a far cry from writing political satire, or even comedy. Olly Buckle is right, but what he’s proposing takes work.


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## Olly Buckle (Jan 28, 2016)

Most things that make a change take work, guess that's why most people opt for having fun given the chance. So, present it as fun and you can change attitudes. Present things seriously and on the whole the people who agree with you carry on agreeing, those who don't will also carry on as they were.


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