# Scores: JUNE 2020 LM - A Story Based on a Song of Your Choice



## SueC (Jun 26, 2020)

Thank you everyone for your wonderful entries. 
Unfortunately, there was some confusion over 
judges, so we only had three this month. 


*The winner of the June 2020
Literary Maneuvers Comp is . . .*

(drum roll please!)

*BORN4BURNING* 
for the story 
*IT LIVES* 
based on a favorite song 
*CARNAGE

Second place tie goes to:
Cyber War for A Girl from Hamburg
*and
*BigBagofBasmatiRice for Away

Third place goes to:
 un_dead's Hang On*
​


*Scores* *Author**Title**Song**HJC**Arrow**RR**Totals*1*Tim*Extreme Ways--1513.51614.832*CyberWar*A Girl from 
Hamburg"Giuseppe Verdi-Dies Irae"161716*16.33**2*3*BigBag*Away--16.512.520*16.33**2*4*Rcallaci*Tipping Point"Eve of Destruction"149910.665*B4B*It Lives"Carnage"16.518.520*18.33**1*6*Sycamore*Vegetables--1416.5913.167*Foxee*Fall in, Fall Away"Starset - Manifest"161214148*un-dead*Hang On"Hang on Little Tomato/
Pink Martini"191610*15**3*


[spoiler2="ArrowintheBowoftheLord"]Scores
*Extreme Ways*
SPaG 4.5/5: Half-point off for misspelling of ‘leeches’ (I assume you mean the bloodsuckers, right?).

T&V 3.5/5: Smooth and decently evocative. The middle section was a bit overloaded with jargon, though, and there were a few other voice nits, like the bullet strike being described as a ‘whomp’ (do bullets ‘whomp’?), and the phrase “all impeded movement,” which seems redundant.

Evaluation 2.5/5: The first section was a good action sequence, but after that I got lost. I had trouble understanding who was who with all the Sierras and unnamed characters, I wasn’t sure what the package was, and then the ending lost me completely. If Lucas knew he wasn’t under threat from the big gun, why was he scared at first? And if he didn’t know, why does it seem like he and the gun guy are working together? It really isn’t clear who’s working for who and what they want. It seems like you were going for a twist ending, but I think the set-up needs more clarity.

Reaction 2/5: Since I didn’t really understand what was happening, I couldn’t emotionally connect. Lucas’ voice was solid, but I don’t know his motivation, other than ‘not die’ (in the opening section). Later he seems to have things totally under control (?). Sort of broke the suspense for me.

*13.5/20*

*A Girl from Hamburg*
SPaG 5/5 - No mistakes found.

T&V 5/5 - Put the reader right in the action, vivid imagery, very visceral. A good balance of both using metaphor and describing things directly.

Evaluation 4/5 - I liked the slow revelation: first we have the cellar flooding, then we realize we’re in a city being bombed, by the end we know it’s Nazi-era Berlin. You capture the confusion of a bomb raid without the story being actually confusing. A little girl’s perspective is perhaps an obvious choice but I thought it worked extremely well.

Effect 3/5 - Well, I like it. Kind of an antidote to the blind triumphalism of the common narrative surrounding the bombing of Berlin. I can’t help but notice the name of the springboard song, which combined with all the hell imagery gives it the sense of seeing judgement day from the inside. The ending left me a little unsatisfied, though, like there could have been some kind of twist or realization before her death. I see why you had to end it then, given the word count, but you left me wanting more.

*17/20*
*
Away*
SPaG - 3/5 Point off for the formatting. Make sure to have an extra line between paragraphs (it’s hard to read as a block of text). Half-point off for “she smiled defiantly,” which should be its own sentence, and the period after “feels familiar” should be a comma. Another half-point off for “she pulled up her window, the night air blew in” (should be a semicolon instead of a comma).

T&V 4/5 - I like the soft, subdued vibe, and the poetic moment at the end.

Evaluation 2.5/5 - There’s solid emotional connection, but a lot of empty spaces. Why is Apphia leaving? I get the idea that their parents are sick, but why would this prompt her to leave the house in secret, particularly if she wants to be with her brother? You have quite a few more words to fill out the story, so I didn’t feel hiding things from the reader was justified.

At the beginning, I got the impression that Apphia was older than Fen (there’s just something about their dynamic which gives that vibe, perhaps her mention of teaching him, or how he doesn’t attempt to discourage her in a ‘big brotherly’ way), which created a moment of puzzlement with the hand-squeezing thing. I also thought it was weird how she said, “That feels familiar,” as if they had never squeezed hands once since she was born (?). Also, I expected the photo introduced at the beginning to have some significance, but it just dropped out of the story and was never mentioned again.

The characters are good, though. Well-evoked in a small space, and I get a feeling for who they are.

Effect 3/5 - I did like the characters and the flow, but since I didn’t have enough context, it felt a little melodramatic. A heart-rending good-bye isn’t as heart-rending when I don’t know why it’s happening. But I loved the ending, and overall it was a sweet story.

*12.5/5*

*The Tipping Point*
SPaG 3/5: Half-point off for a missed comma, half-point off each for dialogue without starting a new paragraph

T&V 2.5/5: Consistent (jokey/derisive), but sometimes a little too tell-y/redundant. For example: “The Duke of Orange was a cancer that needed to be eradicated. His evil influence had a long arm and needed to be put to rest,” and “They were sickened by his contempt and disregard for their welfare and human decency.” These are things that the reader already knows by implication; you don’t need to over-explain.

Evaluation 2/5: It’s a complete story, told in short space, so well done with that. It was confusing at times though; I didn’t know who was speaking in the second paragraph, and I don’t know whether the Grand Duke is the same as the Orange Duke or if they are a different character.

I didn’t connect much to the characters, but I suppose this is satire, so I’ll judge it as such. I am of the opinion that satire should illuminate as well as amuse. I didn’t really laugh, but “Rumperdumpian tunnel” was a funny wordplay. On the social commentary level, I don’t really see a distinct point, other than 1) Trump is bad, 2) Trump has orange hair, and 3) Trump is bad. But _why _is Trump bad? What’s the larger societal point? The gap between the rich and the poor, perhaps? But then, why the cannibalism, why (particularly) the dehumanization?

Effect 1.5/5: The silly names reminded me of the randomly-generated boss names in Diablo II (Pukenose the Defiler, etc.), which was funny. On the whole, though, I find it rather hateful and dehumanizing. Anger and criticism are one thing, artistic cruelty is another. I wouldn’t even depict an imaginary (human) villain this way, much less a real person.

*9/20*

*It Lives*
SPaG 4.5/5 - Half-point off for “nobel prize” (even in a journal-style story I’m pretty sure “nobel” should be capitalized).

T&V 4.5/5 - Personal, honest, (justifiably) angry. I could hear the voice in my head and it only slipped once (“pretty machines” seemed off).

Evaluation 4.5/5 - Good slow build, extremely creepy, and the close ties everything up well while still remaining open-ended. The terraforming machines didn’t seem particularly important, but I see why you mentioned them, since some might wonder why the people are on Io. All the characters are evoked well, and the setting and atmosphere are great.

Effect 5/5 - Soo creepy but with the perfect protagonist to face it all head-on. Had the vibe of the actually good parts of That Hideous Strength plus Dan Seagrave’s (earlier) art. Evil scientists plus demonic planets! I’m praying Julia escaped. Publish pls.

*18.5/20*

Vegetables
SPaG 3.5/5 - Point off for formatting. Make sure to have an extra line between paragraphs (it’s hard to read as a block of text). Half-point off here: “...died years ago, she sits in…” (should have a semicolon, though I don’t think you can have two semicolons in a row, so you might have to rework the whole sentence). There was some other grammar stuff that was technically off but felt right with the voice, so it was okay.

T&V 4/5 - A voice I could hear and empathize with. “Yeller” didn’t fit with the dialect, though, and once the narrator refers to God in the third person even though she is talking directly to him.

Evaluation 4.5/5 - Very poetic. The imagery all ties together (tomatoes, blood of Christ, healthy vegetables, cut hair, cut vegetables, etc.). “Like a bird who forgot how to fly” didn’t work for me, because it doesn’t seem like something Mona would say and also doesn’t fit with the other images. Definitely a complete story, even though I know the story’s not over for the characters.

Effect 4.5/5 - “Flavorful” is the word I’d use to describe this story, which seems fitting, given the main image. Full of different lives sliding into each other, and salted with tears.

(I didn’t dock for this, because you’d have no way of knowing, but the church’s name gave me a double take because I couldn’t help but think of the metal band Diamondhead. lol)

*16.5/20*

*Fall in, Fall Away*
SPaG 3/5 - Point off for “she is my wife” and “the pointy-heads” and “couldn’t do a thing” (“she,” “the,” and “couldn’t” should be capitalized). Half-point off: “...another flash and another, he couldn't see…” (should have a semicolon). And: “This wasn't a dream, it was like his dream…” should also have a semicolon. There shouldn’t be a semicolon after “Faraday cage.”

T&V 3.5/5 - The voice was mostly smooth, but there were some odd word choices: “forceful consonants” and “frustrated chopping motion” (can’t picture that at all). The second section was the best in terms of flow; the first and last didn’t ‘pop’ as much.

Evaluation 3/5- I got the sense of a full story, but I was a bit lost at times. The third section seemed completely unnecessary; we already knew about his dream, and the statement about him being dead turns out to be false immediately. Honestly, I think what’s really missing is the ‘why’ of his wife’s attack. He’s assured that she still loves him, but she tries to kill him (?). But maybe not, as implied at the end. If so, why would she ‘almost’ kill him, and how on earth would she manage that ‘almost’ without risking actually killing him?

Effect 2.5/5 - It was a smooth read, but didn’t sustain my interest very much. I think the characters need more emotional resonance, and perhaps the science needs more background.

*12/20*

*Hang On*
SPaG 5/5 - No mistakes found.

T&V 4/5 - Smooth and lilting, very beautiful prose. Second person is a bit weird.

Evaluation 4/5 - The symbolism with the baby is very good. It is more moment than story, but I think the story is implied. Some of the emotion is described instead of evoked, which I don’t really like (i.e “Then, you look up, and I see it all: the anguish, the sorrow—but, more than that, a strength. A wild kind of hope.”). On the whole, though, it is complete and well-told.

Effect 3/5 - I think this story borrows a lot of resonance from current events, which I’m not sure I like. Like the lines, “We hang on. We don’t forget. And we love.” It’s true and sad, but I don’t know if I’m hearing the current atmosphere or the story itself. This makes it hard to judge on its own merit. I do like it, but something about it feels not enough, somehow. Like the answers come too quick, and too easy. The best way to explain my feeling is: I felt like I should have cried but I didn’t.

*16/20*
Scores[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="Harper J. Cole"]Scores
*Extreme Ways
*SPaG: 4.5
“Leeches” is spelt with a double e when you’re talking about the creatures. “Leaches” (with an ea) is only used as a verb (e.g. leaching off someone).
T&V: 3.5
Solid – the military speak looks authentic to me, though I’m not an expert. I was surprised at the reference to the “big gun” – giving a specific gun type might be better? Also, beginning the first sentence with “It” is rather unusual; we usually only use this word after we’ve already identified what we’re talking about (a bullet, in this case).
Evaluation: 3.5 Is this inspired by the Moby song of the same name? I took a look at the lyrics, but didn’t see a strong tie-in to the story. I suppose Lucas is taking an extreme way to get what he wants. The story itself is a solid one, using a clever misdirection tactic.
Reaction: 3.5I had to read through it twice before I could quite work out what had happened. A little more time spent with Lucas instead of the team hunting him may have been better, as he is the most developed character. Still, I found this a solid entry.*
TOTAL: 15
********************
A Girl from Hamburg
SPaG: 4
*
flashlights flickering to life and revealed a

Inconsistent tense: flickering (present) vs revealed (past)

seemingly for no apparent reason
Drop either “seemingly” or “apparent” (they both serve the same purpose in this sentence).
T&V: 4The chaotic scene is powerfully conveyed, a quick pace mirroring the frantic action. My only serious complaint would be that some of the speech is too formal for the desperate situation, e.g. “The cellar is flooding! We must get out!” I’d prefer to be shortened to “The cellar’s flooding! Out, out!” People will use contractions and short sentences when facing danger.
Evaluation: 4The story fits with both the lyrics and tone of Dies Irae – a good choice. You managed to complete the narrative within the word limit.
Reaction: 4I was hoping the girl would make it out, but this is the reality of war – regardless of which side wins, innocents will be caught up in the carnage. A hard-hitting story.*
TOTAL: 16
********************
Away
SPaG: 5
No problems here.
T&V: 4
*Good solid writing. I liked the last few lines especially – very evocative of her sense of freedom. One issue: “The two siblings squeezed hands.” This feels like slightly awkward exposition of their relationship. They refer to each other as brother and sister only a few lines down, so I think you could just say “They squeezed hands” here.
Evaluation: 3.5I’m not going to penalise you, but remember to note which song you’re inspired by if it isn’t obvious. I only found Paramore, Misguided Ghosts by googling the lyrics at the end. I feel you captured the spirit of the song well, but would have liked you to use more of the word limit to explore her reasons for leaving.
Reaction: 4I enjoyed the story, and would have liked to see more. Hopefully we’ll see you enter future LM competitions as well.*
TOTAL: 16.5
********************
The Tipping Point
SPaG: 3
*
the Dukes coup d’e tat

Possessive apostrophe (Duke’s) and coup d’état doesn’t have a space after the e.

that Orange Bastards head
Again, missing a possessive apostrophe.
T&V: 4Rich language and alliteration used throughout. Watch out for repeated words (such as “land and “lands” in the first sentence, as they can ruin the effect.
Evaluation: 3.5Good use of a protest song, though the final violent revolution might be more than the original artist had in mind.
Reaction: 3.5The metaphor perhaps cuts a bit too close to reality at times (there are less direct ways to get the message across), but I appreciate the sentiment. Good luck in November…*
TOTAL: 14
********************
It Lives
SPaG: 4.5
*
ought to see the our assigned psychologist

Superfluous word here.
T&V: 4.5The diary style is a good way to tell a story within a tight word limit. Some nice language here, showing the protagonist’s growing paranoia.
Evaluation: 3.5I can’t work out which song this is based off, which is a problem (I can’t find any songs titled “It Lives” or “Carnage” online). I’m not sure whether the monsters are real or imagined, but perhaps that’s the intention?
Reaction: 4A disturbing story with a well-drawn narrator – you portray spiralling insanity very well.*
TOTAL: 16.5
********************
Vegetables
SPaG: 4
*
green flecked

Should be hyphenated, I think.

I am holding him with both my arms, my chest, and my heart
“Both” suggests two things, but you list three.
T&V: 4.5You give the narrator a quite idiosyncratic voice, with some nice detailed descriptions of both objects, events and particularly people. It’s good work.
Evaluation: 2.5I don’t know which song you’re basing this off (is there a song called “vegetables”?). As a result, it’s hard to place the world these people live in or why we’re hearing about them.
Reaction: 3I was unsure of the message of the story, but enjoyed some good writing technique*.
TOTAL: 14
********************
Fall In, Fall Away
*SPaG: 4

“Estranged.” Dustin corrected

There should be a comma after Estranged.

Calhoun and his detail entered the round chamber no larger than a good-sized conference room.
I’d say “a round chamber” instead of “the round chamber”. It’s a small point, but it feels a bit awkward while reading.
T&V: 4A light tone and crisp storytelling, no problems here. I like the descriptions of Jolie’s appearance in the room.
Evaluation: 3.5The story fits with the lyrics of your chosen song, though the song itself has a heavy sound, contrasted with the main character’s relaxed reaction to being shot. I was a bit unclear on the significance of the resolution that he was signing, otherwise no complaints.
Reaction: 4.5A fun story, all in all. The idea of a former First Lady turned freedom fighter is interesting, and I liked the main character. This could easily be spun into something longer, I think.*
TOTAL: 16
********************
Hang On
*SPaG: 5
No issues here.
T&V: 4.5I like your style. Little quirks like, “I say, soft” instead “I say softly” give personality to the speaker.Evaluation: 4.5
The story fits the lyrics and style of the song extremely well. You didn’t use your full allocation of words, but that fine – you told the story you wanted to very clearly.
Reaction: 5I really enjoyed this one. The characters came through very clearly for me.*
TOTAL: 19*
Scores[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="RiverRose"]Scores

*Extreme Ways* 
Anonymous 1 
SPaG 4/5 
T&V 4/5 
Evaluation 4/5 
Reaction 4/5 
*Overall: 16/20 *
 I enjoyed this story. I really felt right there w the troops. Loved the imagery of being in the thick of the jungle with the troops. I also enjoyed the camaraderie of the man and how they watch out for one another. Thank you so much for submitting your story.  

*It Lives * 
Anonymous 2 
 SpaG 5/5 
T&V 5/5 
Evaluation 5/5 
Reaction 5/5
*Overall: 20/20*
I really love this story. The way it was written with all the blog entries or the diary entire type. I love the sci-fi imagery of space. Of being docked on a space station. The science experiments in the scientific field. For a short story, this had quite an impact. I honestly can’t say enough good things about this. Thank you so much for taking the time to enter the contest. 

*Vegetables *
Anonymous 3 
 SpaG 2 
T&V 2/5 
Evaluation 3/5 
Reaction 2/5
*Overall: 9/20* 
Thank you so much for taking the time to enter June’s literary contest. Although the story reminded me maybe, country olden days gone by, I did find a little confusing. I had trouble placing the characters and how they related to one another. I do appreciate you taking the time to write and submitting.  

*Fall in, Fall away* 
Anonymous 4 
 SpaG 3/5  
T&V 4/5  
Evaluation  3/5  
Reaction  4/5 
*Overall: 14/20*
I love the futuristic feel of this story, as I enjoyed it very much. I like how Calhoun still believed his wife loved him because she spared his life. I can just see him with a smile on his face laying in his hospital bed, even though she shot him he was still holding onto hope. Thank you so much for entering June’s literary competition.  

*Hang on* 
Anonymous 5 
 SpaG. 3/5 
T&V 2/5 
Evaluation 3/5 
Reaction 2/5 
*Overall: 10/20*
Thank you so much for submitting your story to June’s literary contest. I enjoyed the story. I could picture them sitting in the living room reminiscing about the memories of their loved ones. Braiding her hair and thinking back.  

*Away* 
BigBagofBasmatiRice 
SpaG 5/5 
T&V 5/5 
Evaluation 5/5 
Reaction 5/5 
*Overall: 20/20* 
Beyond beautiful. Heartbreaking while in powering. Thank you for the depth of the story. You gave me a life story and 339 words. Incredible. Made me cry thank you for entering the June literary contest. 

*Tipping Point* 
Anonymous 6 
 SpaG 2/5 
T&V 2/5 
Evaluation 3/5 
Reaction 2/5 
*Overall: **9/20* 
Thank you for entering June’s literary contest. I enjoyed your story very much. I really liked your reference to the orange idiot really made me laugh.  

*Girl from Hamburg * 
CyberWar 
SpaG  4 
T&V 4 
Evaluation 4 
Reaction 4  
*Total **16/20* 
Great story reminded me of Katniss from the hunger games. Love the post apocalyptic feel. Created a whole picture of the times in my mind. Thank you so much for entering Jones literary contest. 
Scores[/spoiler2]


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## BornForBurning (Jun 26, 2020)

Thanks everyone...! I'm also happy that BigBag got second place. 
Sorry for the confusion, the band is Carnage, the song is Infestation of Evil. I didn't make that clear enough in my PM to Sue, again, my apologies. Very cool that Arrow noted the Seagrave connection, the cover art is, of course, his work.  

[video=youtube;-OiitQlxIXM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OiitQlxIXM[/video]


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## Sycamore (Jun 26, 2020)

It's a real song, y'all.[video=youtube;_Mvs5lWx2uQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Mvs5lWx2uQ[/video]


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Jun 26, 2020)

@BFB 
What's crazy is I was thinking of that exact album cover, but I'd forgotten it was for that particular album! So you really captured it.

Congrats to BornForBurning, BigBagofBasmatiRice, Cyberwar, and undead_av!!


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## Tim (Jun 27, 2020)

A well deserved win BornForBurning. Good job!

Congrats to the other winners: BigBagofBasmatiRice, Cyberwar, and Undead!


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## rcallaci (Jun 27, 2020)

congrats to all who've written a flash and to the judges and to the MC who have facilitated this competition. 

one little tic- satire is not meant to amuse - it can be but that is not the criterion for satire.

meaning---    _a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule._--

warmest
bob


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