# One day at a time



## playerslayer666 (Sep 3, 2016)

I can't take it anymore. I mostly don't write because well I guess I'm not much of a writer, and all week long I've been listening to mom and Dave fight over money problems. I feel like an asshole even mentioning it but it's the core reason why I can't focus.

speaking of focus I can't seem to focus clearly when it comes to my writing. Today I waited in line for shoes with my brother after staying up through most of the night before, we didn't get a pair and I've spent all day watching my sisters dog. She left for the whole night which she's never done before, but wow she picked a terrible time to do this. I'm too tired to watch her dog. I'm too tired to even write this....

We were suppose to meet our old friend Jimmy at the store. He didn't even show up though. Maybe he spent too much on his daughters birthday last week. That was a fun party and I tried to write about it. The post was suppose to be a short story on the evolution of my young friends from my old neighborhood and the people they've now become in today's present, but instead the post was such a random mess that talked about retro gaming, Playing zombies together, hanging out at other friends houses purely to avoid going home...... It was terrible. I deleted it. I had to. It didn't even make sense to me and I wrote it!!!

It's hard to write anything with so many distractions. Dysfunctional family, video games, my brother constantly wanting to just leave even when he has no plan on where to go, I'm pretty sure I have a neurological issue when it comes to distracting my own self with my own thought process. And then there are some days I wake up pissed off for almost no reason. No it's not just living in this house and it's not just a side effect of being mentally disabled. I got issues that bother me. Things I don't like talking about. Things I discuss in another forum under a different name..... I think I'm done with this post


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## escorial (Sep 3, 2016)

i say never delete anything because what you consider terrible today might not be so in the future and it can be a used as a point of reference as to just how far you consider your writing has progressed....family issues are upsetting but stay safe and let your writing be an outlet for your frustrations...


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## CraniumInsanium (Sep 4, 2016)

Hey there playerslayer666, just from the gist of your post I'm guessing you're in your teens? 

The one thing I've noticed about writing is you have to be a Loner. That is most often we don't have lives, aren't quite anti-social, or just merely prefer our presence to others and the generic regurgitated bs we hear on a day to day basis. Or maybe that's just myself. 

Often times when life intrudes on my agenda and things get skewed it's best to just suck it up in a manner of speaking and just put your energy into a story. Me, I'm in my 30's am an inconsistent writer, and have to be to work in 3 hours. I got woken up 2.5 hours ago and said screw it. Had some blackheart to medicate haha, and made some coffee. Hopefully I can reboot some of my stories or get them rolling again. 

I'm mentioning this for perspective. That if you are somehow able to disconnect or block out regular life at odd times that you can try and put it to good use.


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## dither (Sep 4, 2016)

CraniumInsanium said:


> The one thing I've noticed about writing is you have to be a Loner. That is most often we don't have lives, aren't quite anti-social, or just merely prefer our presence to others and the generic regurgitated bs we hear on a day to day basis. Or maybe that's just myself.



I think maybe you're right there CraniumInsanium. I've tried all my life to be a loner but i'm not, trouble is life doesn't see it that way so i am and shall ever be alone.


666,
good luck.


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## Plasticweld (Sep 4, 2016)

Player, it is time to turn off the computer and go out and do something, anything besides sitting around.  You have nothing to write about because your doing nothing...that is not healthy.


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## dither (Sep 4, 2016)

Plasticweld said:


> Player, it is time to turn off the computer and go out and do something, anything besides sitting around.  You have nothing to write about because your doing nothing...that is not healthy.










Says he who sits indoors all day pouring scorn o the world.:crushed:


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 4, 2016)

I woke up at around six this morning to go get my sisters dog and kitten ( she lives next to us ). It didn't even take an hour and Dave was sick of Penny ( the dog ). I couldn't even go back to bed and had to bring them back. It's Sunday so it's flea market day for us ( me and my brother ). Most people go to church. I go to a flea market. It's just sad that our motivation to do other things that take us away from the house is because we are sick of mom and Dave ( Dave mostly ),

thats probably it on interesting things to write about for today. Right now it's quiet..... They aren't home.


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 6, 2016)

Went to another flea market yesterday. We didn't have much money but it's still fun to go. Sometimes you'll get lucky and find someone selling something you really want. We once bought a huge power strip for five dollars  

Not sure what else to say. Today was a complete bust. It was rainy today so I didn't even want to walk my dog anywhere. The cold weather is coming around though. Maybe I should take her on more walks while I still can.

I haven't been in much of a writing mood. Going to see my therapist soon so I've been visiting my other forum more often.


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## Ultraroel (Sep 7, 2016)

Dude, I don't know you. But I taste in your post that you care too much what happens around you.
Being nice is a good thing, but saying "no" to people and things you are "supposed"  to do, is a sign of self-love and self-respect.
There is no need to do everything that people ask you, nor is it necessary to make other peoples problem yours. 
It sounds heartless to say, but you cannot fix your moms and boyfriends troubles. 

I've lived with a stepmom that kept us under control, the best advice I can give you is to leave that as soon as you possibly can.
You may feel obliged to stick to your brother and sister, or feel you aren't "qualified" to leave.. I don't know how old you are, but once you are 18, you can work yourself and leave that place where you can not live normal.
You have no obligation to your brother and sister to go through the same shit as them and be unhappy.
Lot of people will hate me for saying this, but its better to be unhappy due to your own choices, than be unhappy cause your home-situation sucks.

Also.. complaining about it won't help at all. it will only make you feel less powerful.

So, get your shit together and get out of the role of victim. Only you control your life and your actions and only you are responsible for your own state of mind. 
Once you realize that you have choices and you can actively make those for the better, I can guarantee you that the issues you face will become less heavy. 
The choices you might have to make, might be hard.. But its better than to passively wait for life to get better.
I've been in an abusive home situation that makes yours look cute, and I realized that no-one else than yourself can and will make the decision to be happy.
It might be hard, it might be sad and incredibly tough on you.. but doing nothing, other than complaining on a website and "being away from home" as much as you can will not help.

As a frame of reference. When I was 17 I decided to ban my parents from my life for the time being, to leave home and get a job next to my education to provide for myself and get rid of the dependant situation I was in.
It was hard, I've cried my ass off, I've worked 40 hours a week and studied at the same time, I've scraped every cent I could to eat, but I was free..


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 8, 2016)

Wrote a letter for my therapist to listen to. Seen as I'm not good at verbally expressing myself I had to do it that way. I haven't even gotten into the core reason why I'm in counciling in the first place, but at least in this letter I discussed something that has been bothering me.....

The letter:......... Back when I was only 4 years old I was severely brain damaged and needed surgery. Why did it take until I was 4 for the doctors to acknowledge I had a medical issue? Could something have been done sooner? Am I even justified in being angry that I had to suffer extra damage because a doctor wanted to believe my mother was abusive rather than diagnose my condition? ( she wasn't. In fact it's only because of her that they finally fixed me ).

So then I get fixed. And for once I start developing solid memories rather than broken visions of the past. I remember playing video games with another kid. I even remember one game. River city ransom. I gave him my stuffed dog Snuffy. We were about to leave the hospital and we saw him in the hallway being wheeled to wherever it was he was going. He was holding my stuffed animal and my parents asked if they could have it back. Snuffy became my favorite stuffed animal and was the last one that I refused to get rid of until my uncles dog killed him. I didn't realize as I was leaving that I was the first child in the U.S.A to have a medos valve VP adjustable shunt. A small piece of medical history that just doesn't seem to matter. Perhaps the reason why I can't find much information on the early use of adjustable shunts on children is because they don't want to validate any possible malpractice claims against the doctor that failed to diagnose me in the beginning. Sure they wouldn't mention my name, but the dates I'm finding are all wrong. Most of the information on shunts talks about its use on elderly patients. 

all I want is to know if what my mom said was true. Am I the first child to have a medos valve VP shunt? If so that would have been nice to know that back when I was known as the stupid weird kid in school. Maybe people would have been more understanding. Maybe I would have had more friends. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered to them at all, but it matters to me. All the people out there who now have the same shunt I have were fixed by neurosurgeons who were educated by my doctor, or from medical books that mention him and his experiences with patients. Who's knowledge and experience stems from his practice. And I was part of that. I wasn't just another patient either. No wonder why my dad " had to sign so many waivers ".

End of letter..... My therapist suggested I write a letter and even showed me how to do that. I'm such a damn fool for not thinking of that myself. I'd like to just say I'm stupid. That would be a convenient excuse, but I have aspergers and sometimes I literally just don't see the obvious solutions. I'm not a damn idiot. Contrary to being given a poor education for the first 10 years of my schooling and coming from a dysfunctional family that wasn't very supportive the entire time I was in school. You gotta make do with what you got. Sometimes you just gotta make do with absolutely nothing.


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## Ultraroel (Sep 12, 2016)

Just a question:
Would it matter? Would it matter if they would mention you to be the first person with this "disease"?
How would it make you feel? Why is this specifically important to you?

Also: In every post you mention your mom and your stepfather, but here its about something else completely..?

I'm sorry if you experience this as rude or insensitive: Feeling sorryfor yourself doesn't help anything. Being recognized as the first like this, does nothing for you. It will not make you happier..
Instead, work on things as: Self-love and appreciation. Work on your confidence and learn yourself that you are the one who makes your life, nothing and no-one else, despite the diagnosis others have labeled you with.
Referring to the post above yours.. Read it. And read it again.. this is the best advice I can give anyone who feels unhappy cause of exterior factors.. 

Don't sit there and feel bad for yourself.. do something about it. Even if it means you need to tell yourself 100x a day: 

"I'm allowed to be here, I love myself and I deserve to be happy" 

Instead of finding confirmation that you should be unhappy, actively seek for confirmation that you can and should be happy..

Also.. WTF? 
 "I gave him my stuffed dog Snuffy. We were about to leave the hospital and we saw him in the hallway being wheeled to wherever it was he was going. He was holding my stuffed animal and my parents asked if they could have it back." 
 
what the actual fuck.. you show a great act of selflessness and kindness and they actually break the kids heart by taking it back?


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 20, 2016)

To answer the previous post..... For once I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and it matters to me. And not as validation that my life sucks. Far from it. its to prove my existence does in fact have a small amount of worth.

no it doesn't really matter to the rest of the world. In fact all that crap I said about doctor Black learning something from my surgery is likely BS. The idea that I made any sort of contribution to medical science by being a Guinea pig is stupid..... But I can at least say my body is a tiny piece of medical history, and that's cool.

also I do believe that the final decision to keep my stuffed animal was mine. I think my parents just wanted to be sure that I was willing to give him up. Which I wasn't.


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 20, 2016)

My birthday passed recently. At my age it's nothing special to celebrate. Parties and presents and all that is little kid stuff. The last time I had an official party was when I was 18. After that it was simple. Skip the candles and the song and just eat the damn cake. LMAO!

This year my brother got me Metroid Prime Federation Force. It's a really fun game but wow it disconnects way too much. That's half the reason I'm even writing this right now. I'm sick of the game removing me from the rest of the squad. I might as well play solo mode, but that's boring. Not having anyone to play the game with gets old fast. I've had this disconnecting issue with Final Fantasy Explorers a few months back, and again with Mario Kart 7 years ago when it was semi new.

I've seen a post of a video with a guy talking about how addictions can be a distraction to writing. That is so true...... And speaking of which I'm going back to Metroid. I gotta get better at writing. So far I'm just using this thread as a journal or something. Is that even allowed? This should probably have all stayed in my blog that I don't use...... That thought makes it tempting to delete everything in this thread, but that would be rude to those who've responded. I've even read a topic that addressed the ability to edit posts / unlike a post after a certain time. Now I'm just thinking too much. And I'm running out of power too.


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 28, 2016)

Not sure how to approach this so I'm just gonna come out with it...... I reported someone two days ago for something that happened to me when I was a small child and was wondering if it was even appropriate for me to discuss that. Yeah it's kinda personal, but I mostly wrote this for my fellow survivors on a different forum. Some people have a difficult time reporting certain things. I'm hoping my post about reporting an abuser will inspire other silent victims to break that silence.

after almost a full year of seeing a councilor and being part of a survivor forum i've gotten to the point in my " healing journey " that I no longer care what others think about me. Any decent person would judge me for who I am and not for something that someone else did to me. I'm not ashamed of my past. I'm angry. I'm angry and I want revenge, and I won't get that revenge being a silent victim.


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Yesterday was an unusual day.... I volunteer at a food pantry every Monday. I like helping unload the truck so the cold stuff gets put away more quickly. I spent three and a half hours there which is more than a normal delivery day.

the night before I already planned this out..... Walk home from the pantry. Don't call for a ride. Don't get a ride from someone else. Just walk home like i usually do when the weather is good, but I didn't go home.....

I met a lady with a small old dog. I surprised myself by being unusually social despite what was going through my mind. The sad part is I wouldn't recognize the lady at all if I saw her in a store, but I would recognize the dog. This says two things about me. I'm truly anti social, but I love animals.

I then crossed the street and entered the station. Was greeted by a male and female officer that were at the desk. I told them I was here to check on the status of someone that I reported. They kinda looked at each other and then to me and asked what I meant by that. I wasn't quick enough to answer I guess because then he asked who and why. I told him his name and said I've reported him already.

He then asked how long ago was the incident and also asked what happened. He was too quick with the questions. All I could say was this was something that happened to me when I was a small child. Right as I said that he started to turn around and said to the lady officer he needed to get a detective. He then told me that same thing. That they were gonna see if a detective was available. He left through the back door leading into the station. The lady took my information. Name, address, Name of the person I was reporting. After that it didn't take any more than fifteen seconds before the detective came out and greeted me. He took me into the station and into a room for us to talk.

He opened the conversation with " what brings you here? ". I told him the same exact thing. To check on the status of someone I reported. He said he wasn't sure what I meant by check the status, so for a second I felt kinda stupid. He then asked " reported for what? ". There was no avoiding this answer. I came out with it blunty and coldly. My intent for revenge obvious in my tone..... " for molesting me when I was a small brain injured child ".

from there the conversation was back and forth. I would have a difficult time recalling all of it. At this point my mind was on auto pilot. I remember him asking me how old I was. I was 5. I had brain surgery probably a year ago or maybe that same year. I can't remember. There was a lot I couldn't remember. He told me that there was no statue of limitations on rape but the vague details snd the time frame would make it impossible to convict him on my word alone. This frustrated me and was the reason why I didn't even bother talking last time. He then asked what my mom did about this. I told him I didn't tell her until I was 15. Told him I saw him again one day last year. Had a nervous break down. Reported him ( or thought I did but I didn't say enough for them to bother.... ) and now here I am checking to see if they knew anything or if I could help somehow. He told me I didn't have to worry about doing anything to help. Just sit for a while so he can do some research. This was a good detective who truly wanted to help me. He even asked me if I was okay as he left. I lied and said yes. I usually have to lie when people ask me if I'm alright.....

he came back after almost a half hour of being gone!!! That took a while. At least I had games to play on my phone. I was surprised when he told me there was no report. He asked me what I told the officer that day. All I could say was I don't remember and my mom did most of the talking. He said I was the victim and I had to talk. In hindsight being dragged down to the station after I just got done flipping out about the past wasn't helpful. And I feel kinda stupid for wasting everyone's time that day. Not to mention there wasn't much they could do anyway so I didn't care to talk once I was actually there.

He also told me some things about Johns family I don't care to disclose here..... So then I have to tell him that John convinced me to play a perverted " game ". That I slept in his room. How my mom met Johns mother. I also told him I questioned if I was gay for a while when I got older. That was probably the reason why I didn't tell for so long. And continued to not report it for even longer because they were friends of ours. We've lived together at three different points in my life.

Again I'd lik to say this was a good detective who wanted to help me. I told him I see a councilor and go to a survivor forum, and live with my brother who is my advocate and is very helpful. He asked if my family knew I was here. I told him no. He said that was probably for the best and that he's glad I came in and talked to him. The bad cops always stand out like a turd in a flower garden, but your never going to hear about how cops help people every day. Making this report gave me a sense of peace and I'm happy to have met that detective. He made the whole process painless. He was much slower with his questioning unlike the guy at the front desk.


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## escorial (Sep 28, 2016)

write it and let it out..better out than in dude.....


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## playerslayer666 (Sep 28, 2016)

Thank you for reading it..... Though I'm still not sure if putting it here was the right spot for it.


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## escorial (Sep 29, 2016)

often the feeling of not finding the right place for most things in life seems to be a recurring theme for so many...weird thing is people often come round to the idea that it's no use trying to fit in but stand alone seems to be the best option..as Isben said..."The stromngest man in the world is he who stands alone."...and so another day begins


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## playerslayer666 (Oct 5, 2016)

Today I'm gonna lock myself in the gap in between dimensions ( my private group in this forum ) and finally write out that letter. I've had to think hard on what I've been wanting to say. It's a lot harder than I thought to do this. I wanna be thankful for what he did for me, but in case my post above didn't make it obvious I'm not exactly thankful for much of anything. So..... I'm gonna have to either lie or just the subject of me for as long as I can.

there hasn't been much else to talk about. My sisters dog was pooping blood the other day. Took her to the vet to find out she's fine and it will pass. She didn't seem unhealthy either. Still running around. Still playful. Still jumps on mom and Dave begging for treats. So we paid the vet to do what exactly?

my brother got a new job. A decent paying job too. Hopefully they will give him a small raise by next year because my brother is a smart man and its bullshit that an accounting degree in today's world is worth about as much as a McDonalds coupon.

I've stayed in bed all day until damn near two in the afternoon. Why? Two reasons..... Not sleeping well at night, and listening to whining and complaining during the day. This makes it even harder to come here. Instead I find myself going to the survivor forums and talking to people there. I've only got 63 posts here, but two of the forums I got to both have over 300 posts. As well as a third forum which has..... Much less. Perhaps still less then my post count here.


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## playerslayer666 (Oct 11, 2016)

Today was a good day. Saw my family doctor today ( not the same doctor I'm writing the letter for ). I wrote down a list of my health concerns on my iPhone. Smartest thing I could have done. My physical went well and I got all my concerns diagnosed. He wants me to see a neurologist about my shunt because I complained about feeling some odd pains around the surgery spot on the back of my head. I hope it's nothing, but then again if it's nothing it doesn't answer why it's even happening. I shouldn't feel anything.


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## playerslayer666 (Oct 14, 2016)

Yelling. Screaming, arguing, complaining, whining..... Just yesterday my brother said it would be nice to stay for added security, but now that he has a job that keeps him away from this house from 8 AM to 6 PM he's not here to see what a terrible environment this is. I can't stay focused. I can't write anything of worth. I wish I could live on my own but I wouldn't make it in this world that takes advantage of the poor and the disabled. I feel like I was born to fail, which sucks really hard because the world seems to have so much opportunity for other people with disabilities. I even see hardened thugs on YouTube smoking weed with their clearly mentally handicapped friend. Back in my day I had to fight with such people to protect myself knowing that I'm mister glass and if they hit me in the head too hard I could literally die. Did I care? Of course not. Was I suicidal? Hardly, but my life and safety were secondary to my peace of mind and sanity. I can't even get these people in this house to help me with my thank you letter to my doctor. That's gotta be the most important thing I've ever written and they know I'm writing it. They haven't asked about it once. I have questions for mom but I'm not asking her while she's all pissed off about stupid BS. I need it prof read by my brother because I value his opinion but he's too busy with work now. Thank god I got 6 different forums to consult for opinions. Without that?....... Screw it. I wouldn't even try. Not with these people as my "support"......


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## escorial (Oct 14, 2016)

are you just writing a story or is it non-fiction....


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## Sleepwriter (Oct 14, 2016)

Have you tried using earbuds to block out the drama, or is the drama always directed at you, so you have to listen to it?


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## playerslayer666 (Nov 2, 2016)

Deleted


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