# 5-21-07 | Scores



## valeca (Jun 12, 2007)

*From Chris Miller

**Amber Leaf: Mouldy World – 17*
“…we have found that we evolved from organisms that are similar to mushrooms and cheese. It is suggested that the planets in our solar system contain wheat like interiors.”
This made me laugh!
So life is circular or cyclical or, as Jiieden says, “no beginning.” So we could have originated in some stoner’s fast food rubbish. The prose is a little clotted or clunky or for this Douglas Adams type of humor piece. This type of thing needs to swing really streamlined and efficient to punch best. 

*Mike: The Shadow’s Test – 17*
Well written. Kind of avoids trying to explain much. So we are created by beings very, very much like ourselves. A little heavy on the upbeat foreshadowing at the end maybe. More likely they’ll just blow themselves and the rest of the life forms that share their planet up.

*TSAEB XIII: Humans – the new Battery Cell – 17*
Hmmm, and again we are the creation of beings very much like ourselves, if not slightly less. Ones living in a universe (solar power, fusion, etc) very much like ours, but that create the illusion of such a universe for us. I was both intrigued and confused.

*avea: Dances – 18.5*
I liked this. A lovely little poetic explanation. The “Earth, Water, Wind, Fire” elements struck me as slightly cliché maybe. I loved the ending: “…and they danced a slow dance of their own, sometimes facing, sometimes back to back.”
Beautiful.

*Loulou: Pinky – 20*
Great story. Gorgeous mix of the mundane and funny, and the ethereal and poetic. Sad beautiful ending. Clever and original approach to the theme.

*defenestrator: I Think, Therefore... 17.5*
Humor here clashes with philosophy, resulting in something that seems afraid to take itself seriously. Which is both intriguing and unfortunate, because it’s as good an explanation as I can think of.

*mandax: Mother Nature – 17*
Uh… what about flowers?  Flowers are pretty colorful.

That was dark. Did procreation not occur before man? Were there not male and female animals? It’s an interesting metaphor for the state of the world, but I would have to vehemently disagree. Nature is doing her darndest to get rid of us, or at least cull us back. 

*sixlivesdown: Masters of the World – 15.5*
Ever heard of Round Up? Lawn mowers? A funny explanation that doesn’t really attempt to be credible. Not exactly an epiphany. Next you’ll say the grasses invented golf. Tries a little hard at the end to my ear. Also lacks narrative, reads more like an answer to a test question. 

*Heatherlouise: Where We Came From – 14*
brining = bringing
At the beginning of time the only the world was without life. 
oceans was coated = oceans were coated
Too many other typos and grammatical errors to list. Too bad, because it has potential as a kind of poetic mythologizing of evolution. It also has the potential to be pretty funny. The MC kills me with her earnestness. Lucky it wasn’t cats that found us. They’d’ve tossed as about until they got bored and then bit our heads off. 

*Charlie Elanor: Keepers of the Light – 18*
Wonderfully poetic and mythological. Explanatory more than anecdotal. I cringed ever so slightly at “their white skin” and suggest you go with some other word if you ever submit or expand on this. Some mildly cliché vernacular (e.g. “the corners of her soul”), but beautiful nonetheless.

*Annoying Alliteration: Letter of Resignation – 17*
ass holes = assholes (funny)
Something a bit too familiar about this “mythology.” You’ve gone the usual way, creating “gods” that are even more insecure and petty, as in even less, than we are. Some cute details and naming. Consistent voice.

*Jiieden: Myth-maker – 20*
Beautiful and thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed. A serious, open minded, questioning that reaches well out beyond our ability to understand toward where the answer can only lie. But couched in a wonderful little dialogue between archetypical father/teacher and child. Loved the ending (maybe there’s no answer either). Perfect.

*MiloDaePesdan: Dark Children – 17.5*
Humans born of a conflict between demons and dragons. Not unlike the O.T. mythology of humans (i.e. the human condition) being born of a conflict between God and Satan. I had a little trouble determining that the MC was in fact a demon and not a dragon, what with her fire and scales and wings and all. Some nice description. I found the ending poignant. 

*sipsake: This I have heard – 18.5*
The Earth as a romantic gift from a deity to his wife.
Very nicely done. A beautiful little mythological fable story and as good an explanation as any I’ve ever heard. I like how it avoids both religious and scientific dogma.

*seawings: X meets Y – 15.5*
Considering this as a poem instead of a story since there’s no plot or character development. Reads like the explanation of insemination and conception they gave us in grade four in gym class w/ clear allusion to M/F chromosomes. Again missing all the fun stuff. Again confusing as to motivation.

*starStuff: What The Hell Happend on Earth? 15.5*
I’d have titled this, “What Happens on Earth Stays on Earth”

civ’s = civs
Its interesting = It’s…
Dialogue quote problems.
Other typos.

I liked the haikus. 


*eggo: Leftovers for Dinner – 17.5*
Earthlings created and abandoned as a failed experiment.

Sacrilegious enough for my tastes. I like how you captured the stereotypic theologies in the voices of each. I liked Buddha’s, “Whatever.” Made him sound like a teenager. Third time’s a charm, eh God? It’s funny how even in mainstream mythology/theology (e.g. the O.T. or Koran) we like to create gods that’re archetypically and pathetically human.
_________________________________________


*From Proudest Monkey

*(Please excuse the missing reviews.  There was some miscommunication about them, and I (valeca) take full responsibility.)  Here are the scores.

15 Amber Leaf

19 Mike

15.5 Tsaeb XIII

11 avea

15 Loulou

14 defenestrator

14 mandax

16.5 sixlivesdown

12 heatherlouise

14 Charlie_Eleanor

13.5 AnnoyingAlliteration

11 Jiieden

13 MiloDaePesdan

14 sipsake

12 seawings

13 starStuff

18 Eggo

____________________________________

*From Hawke*

My scores and comments are just this reader’s opinion—_one_ opinion. Please don’t take it as anything other than that. Also, I’m going to dispense with pointing out nits. You wrote it, so you know what and where they are. 

A big thank you to everyone who entered, and to Jaime for running this and coming up with the super prompt. Kudos to everyone!

All of that said, let’s get to it.

*Mouldy World*
Amber Leaf
15/20
This work is one I’m sure most parents of teens would be able to relate too. Good job. Thank you for the read.

*The Shadow’s Test*
Mike
16/20
Very interesting work here. Quite imaginative. Good job. Thank you for the read. 

*Humans - the new Battery Cell*
Tsaeb XIII
14/20
Nice work. About the only thing that threw me though was the last sentence. That didn’t ring true (mud and hair?). Neat read though. Wish I could have connected more with Bob. Thank you for the read.

*Dances*
Avea
16/20
I can see some “old one” telling this one to a group sitting around a campfire, which is kind of what I was looking for. Very nice. One drawback though. You covered the creation of earth and stars very well, but kind of chintzed on humanity. Good job though. Thank you for the read. 

*Pinky*
Loulou
17/20
Humor, tragedy, and you connected me (the reader) to the character. Because of the very sad ending, I feel odd saying that I loved it. Well done. Thank you for the read.

*I Think, Therefore...*
defenestrator
13/20
One question: If humans came into existence via a thought, why do women have to go through childbirth? :wink:
Interesting. A tad preachy though, hmm? Also, I would have liked to have seen more use of the word count. It felt rushed and kind of… well, quickly put together. Thank you for the read.

*Mother Nature *
mandax
16/20
A tad preachy there, mandax. Quite interesting though. The nature enthusiast in me agrees with a lot of this, just to say. Good job. Thank you for the read. 

*Masters of the World 
*sixlivesdown
17/20
Ashes to ashes… and you made me giggle. (By the way, you’re wrong. Women rule the earth.) Good job. Thank you for the read. 

*Where We Came From* 
heatherlouise
14/20
You missed an awful lot of commas, Heather. Also, do be careful about things like “the only the world” and “until all of the oceans was coated” and “for the floated you know” etc. Spell check won’t pick those up. Only you (and maybe a grammar check) can. Quite imaginative. Thank you for the read. 

*Keepers of the Light* 
Charlie Eleanor
19/20
Ah, a harbinger story! Lovely! About the only thing I suggest is to leave out the word “white” in “white skin” so you don’t lose or inadvertently ire nonwhite readers. Super job. Thank you for the read. 

*Letter of Resignation*
AnnoyingAlliteration 
15/20
This was imaginative and cute too. A turn-about, I think. Good job. Thank you for the read.

*Myth-maker* 
Jiieden
17/20
I know kids like that. lol Good stuff here. Good read. Thank you.

*Dark Children* 
MiloDaePesdan
16/20
Consider expanding this, will you? It reads and feels like the prologue (is it?) or excerpt, and a darn good one too. If not, you really should give this a run, Milo. As for this competition, the score will not reflect my thoughts on the future of this piece. Good work. Thank you for the read.

*This I have heard*
sipsake
18/20
A super read, sipsake. Good work. Thank you. 

*X meets Y*
Seawings
14/20
Well written, interesting and definitely held me there—no doubt about any of that. Unfortunately, it was more of a biological fact put to story than a myth to me. A very good and well done story, mind you. Thank you for the read.

*What The Hell Happend on Earth?*
starStuff
14/20
Quit imaginative. A few nits to clean up. Interesting work. By the by, you misspelled the title “Happend” = Happened. Thank you for the read. 

*Leftovers for Dinner*
eggo
18/20
Leave it to you to make me laugh out loud. Well done. Thank you for the read.

____________

EDIT:  All the scores are now up!

Great job, everyone.  

Suggestions for the next LM challenge are now being accepted.  PM me if you have a theme you'd like to submit.


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## sixlivesdown (Jun 12, 2007)

Thanks to everyone, 'specially the judges. You all rock


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## heatherlouise (Jun 12, 2007)

thanks everyone, and soooo osrry about the typos.  i thought i had checked it like a hundred times and gotten everything.  obv not.  thanks for reading and marking   congrats to the winner n all.
Heather


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## Swift84 (Jun 12, 2007)

Thanks a lot for scoring my piece. I would never call you a spineless bunch.


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## Chris Miller (Jun 12, 2007)

Geez, valeca just pointed out I missed the whole 1st page.  Probably because I read in reverse order this time.  I've sent my updated scores in and hope they'll replace my others (which haven't changed, only been added to).  If not, I'll just post them in this thread later for anyone who cares.

My apologies for the screw up.


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## Swift84 (Jun 12, 2007)

Oh. Ooops.

I apologize for assuming that everyone refused to score my piece. I haven't the best reputation in Literary Maneuvers.


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## valeca (Jun 12, 2007)

S'no problem, Chris.  I've edited the scores to reflect the changes.  I can now declare a winner based on the judges' scores for each piece.  Stay tuned!


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## valeca (Jun 12, 2007)

*Amber Leaf - *17, 15, 15 - Average score = 15.6

*Mike* - 17, 19, 16 - Average = 17.3

*Tsaeb XIII *- 17, 15.5, 14 - Average = 15.5

*Avea *- 18.5, 11, 16 - Average = 15.2

* Loulou* - 20, 15, 17 - Average = 17.3

* Defenestrator *- 17.5, 14, 13 - Average = 14.8

* Mandax *- 17, 14, 16 - Average = 15.7

* Sixlivesdown *- 15.5, 16.5, 17 - Average = 16.3

* Heatherlouise *- 14, 12, 14 - Average = 13.3

* Charlie_Eleanor *- 18, 14, 19 - Average = 17

* AnnoyingAlliteration *- 17, 13.5, 15 - Average = 15.2

* Jiieden *- 20, 11, 17 - Average = 16

* MiloDaePesdan *- 17.5, 13, 16 - Average = 15.5

* Sipsake *- 18.5, 14, 18 - Average = 16.8

* Seawings *- 15.5, 12, 14 - Average = 13.8

* StarStuff *- 15.5, 13, 14 - Average = 14.2

* Eggo *- 17.5, 18, 18 - Average = 17.8

*The winners:*


*1st* - Eggo, _Leftovers for Dinner
_*Tie for 2nd *- Mike, _The Shadow's Test, _LouLou, _Pinky_
*3rd* - Charlie_Eleanor, _Keepers of the Light


_Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen!

EDIT:  Ever get the feeling something is destined to be one giant clusterf...well, you get the idea.  The winners list has been updated to reflect proper math.


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## heatherlouise (Jun 12, 2007)

congrats Mike, Eggo and LouLou, well done.  
Heather


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## Jiieden (Jun 12, 2007)

Well done guys.  A few admin hiccups this time apparently, but it still worked!  And thanks to Chris!  My first 20 ever!  Hooray!


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## seawings (Jun 12, 2007)

valeca said:
			
		

> *seawings: X meets Y – 15.5*
> Considering this as a poem instead of a story since there’s no plot or character development. Reads like the explanation of insemination and conception they gave us in grade four in gym class w/ clear allusion to M/F chromosomes. Again missing all the fun stuff. Again confusing as to motivation.


 Thanks for the review and your work on judging these entries...all great! I agree I missed the "fun stuff", although my "ATTEMPT" was to put a personal "one on one" connetion...but failed.. Never daunted...I'll keep trying. It's always a pleasure to join these great contributors....thanks.


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## eggo (Jun 12, 2007)

I first of all would like to thank Val for stepping up to the plate. I would also like to to give Silver credit for coming up with an awesome prompt. 

It really is difficult to come up with prompts that excite people and get so many quality entries and you tend to do it on a regular basis.

Thanks to the judges, not just because they thought my story was good, but because there were so many other good stories.

Sometimes people will say that as a sort of a pat on the back thing, but I have been participating in these things for a couple of years and the quality of the stories blew me away. I don't envy the judges with their difficult task.

Thanks again!


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## Mike (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks Silverwriter, Valeca & the judges for all your efforts. Good creativity everyone - I'm most impressed. We didn't have any stories that were too alike. It's interesting to see what people came up with. Can't wait for the next prompt!


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## Loulou (Jun 13, 2007)

Congrats Eggo, you deserved it.
And Mike, I couldn't be 'tied to' a better person, hehehe....
Wow, this made my day though! A 20 from Chris! And two other great scores! I am speechless! And I'm also abusing exclaimation marks! And I can't stop!
This is such an incentive to me to keep writing, to keep reading stuff on here, to keep striving.
Congrats to Charlie too, and all other entrants, the quality of them all is what made me try so hard.
Thanks to the judges, I couldn't do your job, wouldn't know where to start.
Yipee!!!


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## silverwriter (Jun 15, 2007)

Congrats to the winners!

Thank you to valeca for taking things over for me like she did. I appreciate it. The good news is I didn't get shipped back to the States!

I love myths and I hope everyone enjoyed the prompt as much as I did.


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## Charlie_Eleanor (Jun 16, 2007)

Thanks judges!  I am so surprised I placed!


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## Paige Turner (Jun 16, 2007)

Woo Hoo Charlie! 
\\/ \\/ \\/ 
see me proud? 
(love, mom)


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