# The Thief



## Bruce Wayne (Sep 15, 2011)

*Dlt*

..


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## Firemajic (Sep 15, 2011)

I am hooked...this is rich in details and subtle nuances.I really loved that the thief thought of himself as an artist...very clever of you to end where you did--you have to know--that I NEED to know--what the letter said...Will there be more ? Peace...Jul


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## egpenny (Sep 15, 2011)

I liked this, I want to read more.  I especially liked the simile "dressed as sharp as a thistle"  that made me smile.  I can picture him in my mind.  Please write more, like firemajic I need to know what was in the note.


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## tunnel (Sep 16, 2011)

Enjoyed, but I hope you want more of a crit than that.

The first sentence is a little clumsy in structure. The opening scene has great potential and I think you should spend a little time here. The character clothes description is a little 'dumped' as well I thought, which is a common problem.

Second para, slight logical discrepancy, if his footsteps are silent there are no footsteps (normally describe a sound).

Fourth para 'Of course... After all' doubling up on the sentiment here, too much.

Second last sentence, three 'game's.

Last para, slightly confused how D. D. made the discovery. I think you need to say she open the jewellery box. Why would he put a note saying 'To Whom it May Concern' when he knows who he is robbing?

Well worth working on this piece I think.


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## Bruce Wayne (Sep 16, 2011)

Thanks egpenny and Firemajic for your kind comments, I will definitely think about putting the next chapter on here in time. 
tunnel I'm glad you enjoyed it too, and your comments are much appreciated, I will certainly keep them in mind. Just wanted to say that the reason the note is adressed 'To Whom it May Concern' is because it is for whichever police inspector arrives on the scene, not for D.D Black.


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## do_come_in (Sep 19, 2011)

I see where you're going with this, and at some times it seems ill-formed, the general premise is there. It was a lovely piece of writing, especially as a beginning, but as you said, you've only just come back to it. Keep working on it, polish it and it could be amazing!


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## jim rose (Sep 20, 2011)

This: {fedora hat} is redundant. This: {steady way } reads poorly for me. The plot, tone, and general description are great, but the flow seems poor to me; it may be because sentence construction with commas like this: {His victim was, at that very moment, on stage at the O2 arena entertaining tens of thousands of screaming fans}. It may be a case of one reader not appreciating a certain type of style. 
Thanks


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## Colden (Sep 21, 2011)

Wonderful, descriptive and captivating!


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## Bruce Wayne (Sep 22, 2011)

Again thankyou do_come_in and jim rose for taking time to read and comment, I really appreciate your opinions.
Colden thank you for your kind comment


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## Giantlobsterrobot (Oct 21, 2011)

Hi.
The piece held my interest, and I was hesitant to stroll through the Crime Novel thread because I'm not the biggest fan of such.  I noticed a few places where you could insert commas.

"And of course" in the first paragraph needs commas before "and" and after "course"

paragraph 2:  "but for The Thief" needs a comma after "Thief"

In paragraph 3:  "She was not expecting him," doesn't need the comma.  It could use a semi-colon though.

Parapgraph 4:  "after all" needs a comma after it.

Paragraph 5:  after "hustled casinos" you need a comma.

Paragraph 7:  "No as far as he was concerned" needs a comma after "No" and "concerned"

I may have missed some grammar as well.  It held my attention.  That's saying a lot because the amount of detail you gave would normally have me wanting something to actually happen in that span.  I'm a huge fan of dialogue, but the way you wrote your details held me.  I would read more of this.


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## Bruce Wayne (Oct 21, 2011)

Thankyou Giantlobsterrobot, glad it held your interest and your suggestions are very helpful.


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## ChicagoHeart (Oct 26, 2011)

Great job of depicting the arrogance and narcissm of the personality. Once gets the feeling that he is eventually headed for a fall- perhaps becoming to smug or confident in his "talent?"
 I had only a few minor grammer suggestions, all of which have already been noted. I  would enjoy reading what happens next!


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## Bruce Wayne (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you ChicagoHeart, I'm glad his arrogance came off. I won't give too much away, but you are not far wrong in your feeling that his supreme confidence will eventually get him in to trouble.


I do hope to add another chapter of this story soon, but I am not sure whether it will be the next chapter or one from furthur on in the story.


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## aj47 (Oct 28, 2011)

I like the idea but the execution needs some cleanup, IMO.  If you can find someone to read it aloud to you, you might spot some things that need tweaking.  I think many specifics have been pointed out so I'll wait till the next round rather than revisit them.


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## Robdemanc (Oct 28, 2011)

I do like the cheekiness of this character.  However, if this is a first chapter then it is too much too soon.  I personally would have prefered to see him robbing the apartment, instead of being told that was what he was about to do.    He left the note, great.  But why reveal its contents straight away.  Perhaps wait for a few chapters.

He sounds like a great character.  But I would find different ways of putting him across.   

Also if the victime is at the O2, then I would presume the time is about 8 or 9 PM.  That would not be late enough in London for the streets to be quiet.

My honest opinion is that you seem to have crammed several chapters worth of info in a short section.  Expand it, showing more of the character and what he does instead of telling who he is and what he does.   I always find it better when a writer leaves the reader guessing.   

If you show him breaking into the apartment, instead of telling us he is a professional thief, then the reader will need to read on to find out what is actually happening and who this character is.   So show him breaking in the apartment; the reader will wonder if he is locked out of his own apartment, or perhaps he is indeed a thief.  But don't tell them, let them work it out for themselves.

But its sounds intriguing.  I wonder if he ends up getting together with DD at some point?


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## egpenny (Oct 29, 2011)

This is more of a letter than a note.  As the first note this should be succinct, stating he is the best thief going and all the investigating they want to do won't find a trace of him.  The part where he compares himself to an artist, signing his work is good, but needs to be shorter and tighter.  You could use some of what you take out now later, to let the bragging and ego build with each note, if there are other notes.  I'll be looking for more.


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## Deyo (Oct 30, 2011)

I really like this idea, a little cliche' but what's awesome about it is as long as you have good tricks to back up the arrogance your character shows, it can be amazingly enthralling. Take your time developing the methods the thief uses to get his job done.  As well as the clever cop who still manages to nip at the thief's feet with little clues. I will read more if you write more, because this has the potential to an awesome story.


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## Bruce Wayne (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for giving it a read anyway astroannie, i do appreciate it

@Robdemanc you are correct he does have a run in with DD eventually, and to be honest I started this story with the intention of it being maybe a quick ten page piece, although it has extended far beyond that, so that could be the reason why the first chapter seems a little rushed.

egpenny I thank you for returning to look at the note/letter. I wasn't sure there was any difference between a note and a letter but I will look to use your helpful suggestions

Deyo I am grateful for your comment and I hope that it will eventually become an awesome story.


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## River (Nov 16, 2011)

I would say give him a name.


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