# Sky Gazing



## Squalid Glass (Feb 15, 2012)

Hello friends,

Long time since I've posted. Been terribly busy with things, and I haven't written much. I penned this over the last few days. It still feels a little rough so I figured I'd ask for some help in refining it. All crits are much appreciated.

Thanks!

-Glass

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## Bachelorette (Feb 15, 2012)

This, I think, is a pretty good start, but the overall feeling I get from this poem is vagueness. There really aren't enough specific images for me to latch onto here, and while the vagueness does compliment the idea of watching the clouds roll by, I'm afraid it doesn't exactly make for very compelling reading. Bottom line is, I don't really know what you're trying to say here. I may be dense (haha, may) but if you could tell me what you were trying to achieve with this I think I could offer better criticism/help/whatever. As things stand, there just isn't enough substance here to offer much in the way of help. That said, I'm really happy to see you posting again. Hopefully I'll be seeing more from you soon. Thanks for sharing.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 15, 2012)

Thanks for the kind words! I was really just trying to explore the way things change and how with distance we tend to forget the little things. I thought comparing the dead relationship with moving clouds seemed to be a nice way to correspond the little and the big. I suppose it's a bit personal right now, which is something I want to work on. I want it to work both on the personal and general levels. 

Haha, the mickey mouse line. I literally spent an hour trying to figure out what cloud shape would work for the line, and I just threw that one in there. Any better ideas?

Thanks again!


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## kennyc (Feb 16, 2012)

I love the idea behind this and where it's going, but do agree it in some ways is a bit less than focused.   The way it starts make me feel it's being addressed to a lover/loved one/relationship described in terms of the sky, but then it takes a more generic turn about memory (which is what it apparently is about) and that is where it seems to get mushy to me. I think mostly it is that last stanza that is the culprit. Maybe replace that with another stanza about the loved one?


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## Bachelorette (Feb 16, 2012)

Squalid Glass said:


> Thanks for the kind words! I was really just trying to explore the way things change and how with distance we tend to forget the little things. I thought comparing the dead relationship with moving clouds seemed to be a nice way to correspond the little and the big. I suppose it's a bit personal right now, which is something I want to work on. I want it to work both on the personal and general levels.
> 
> Haha, the mickey mouse line. I literally spent an hour trying to figure out what cloud shape would work for the line, and I just threw that one in there. Any better ideas?
> 
> Thanks again!



Ah, I see. That actually sounds like a really good theme for a poem. But I think you need to include a bit more about the dead relationship. Maybe you could write about the details the narrator does remember, but then show him grasping for a seemingly unimportant detail he's forgotten, which could then be tied in with the moving clouds.

It's funny, what you said about it working on personal and general levels. I remember reading an article about Leonard Cohen and the writer mentioned his song "Suzanne" in connection with the fact that the reason his songs connect with so many people are the little personal details he adds, like, for example, in "Suzanne" she "feeds you tea and oranges/that come all the way from China" and "she is wearing rags and feathers/from Salvation Army counters." Things like that.

As for Mickey Mouse - haha, sorry, but he's got to go. I think the narrator ought to see something in the clouds that connects to the second stanza about the dead relationship. Like maybe the curve of a certain cloud reminds him of a curve from her body, or whatever. Sorry, that's probably a dumb example, but it's 5:00 AM, I can't sleep, and I'm not very alert at the moment.

Anyhow, I hope you post revisions. I'd like to see whatever changes you might make.


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## Gumby (Feb 20, 2012)

You have a way of capturing a moment that I always enjoy.


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## Willow (Feb 21, 2012)

I love the comparison between remembering and gazing at the sky, as clouds peacefully float by - the inherent distance related to this describes exactly how I feel when I try to remember an important or significant moment. The way the end of the poem reflects how memories fade and are replaced by newer ones is particularly poignant, and a nice conclusion to your theme.

I have a question about the 'coconut colored bodies'. To me this evokes images of the beach, with beautiful tanned bodies, as coconut brings to mind a more brown than cream shade.

But other than that (and the Mickey Mouse thing  ), an absolutely beautiful poem. Thank you.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 21, 2012)

Willow - I was thinking of the inside, white part of a coconut. Not sure how to distinguish between the two within the poem.

Here is my edited version. Thanks again for the comments. Any further help would be great.


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*Sky Gazing*


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## SilverMoon (Feb 21, 2012)

Glass, I've just scanned through. On my way out but will get back to you on this. An incredible piece!

_"You were a cloud that day"  _Priceless. Wish it had been mine!

Laurie


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## Bachelorette (Feb 21, 2012)

Ah, Glass! This is much improved! There is a great deal more consistency here, and I like how many of the lines can now be interpreted in different ways - adding additional layers of meaning. This, I think, is much closer to the poem you intended to write, and it's simply lovely. Thanks so much for posting the revision - I needed something like this today.


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## Bloggsworth (Feb 21, 2012)

Boom boom the butcher's back. SQ, in my usual fashion I have taken a knife to it in order that you may rebuild it in your own likeness!

I have taken exception to some weak words - You would *like* to do this, you would *like* to do that, such a weak word *like*, it shows no resolve, no intention to act upon the thought. I've adjusted the syntax of the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza. The 3rd line of the 3rd stanza is very weak, ask a positive question and resolve it, women always remember these things, own up! The next 4 lines are wishy-washy, I have tightened them and hope that I maintained the sense of them. Now the last stanza - Only the last line appears to connect to the first three stanzas, the first 3 lines of this verse seem to be treading water; are you trying to say that though you look for her in your conscious mind, all you see are dots before the eyes and that each dot seen takes you another step further away from the memory of her, if so, I've done easier crossword puzzles; if not then it's not clear how it relates to the body of the poem - Apart from that, I like it a lot, it just needs a lttle housekeeping... In my opinion of course, you are at liberty to ignore all I say.


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## SilverMoon (Feb 21, 2012)

Glass, all so seemingly effortless. You describing the problematical.The swaying, shifting of stance in a relationship. Your metaphor. Yes. Indeed like clouds.



Your last three words reached me on such a visceral level though you employed just the right amount of literary constraint.
_
another step away_. This ending was the taking of my breath.

I will also say that my day has been enriched. Laurie


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 21, 2012)

Thanks for the honest critique, bloggs. I always appreciate what you have to offer.

With the clouds, I was actually trying to simply relate the passing of clouds to the passing of time. As in, the shape of clouds moves so quickly that what they embody at one time seems to vanish within a moment, the same as memories seem to vanish with time. I think I was using the image of the woman more as a vehicle than a subject.

With the likes, I was actually hoping to create a weak narrator. It's not a subject I feel too confident about, I suppose.

What are your thoughts on the revised version? Anything else to think about and possibly change is always a good thing!


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## toddm (Feb 21, 2012)

Glass, I enjoyed your revision which was a clear improvement on an already strong piece - "your trembling shoulders" is a great phrase - it's always a delight to read your work

I wasn't much on "Mickey Mouse", but I'm not particularly keen on "a faraway place...then something new takes its place" in the revision either - it just seems a bit general and bland - detail and specificity would make the verses pop there - not that I have any great ideas, but maybe use a couple of specific and unusual people or things there to give the piece unique character, for example:


I'm sure those examples make you laugh : ) they weren't meant to be altogether serious alternatives, just examples of the unusual specific detail that those lines seem to need - they are better than Mickey Mouse, in any event 

---todd


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## SilverMoon (Feb 22, 2012)

*I think I was using the image of the woman more as a vehicle than a subject.


*Glass, I would suggest downplaying the woman in order to make her more of a metaphor. As it stands, she reads like a full flesh and blood woman to me. Maybe make more reference to preceipitation which would hint clouds - your passing of time.

I read the oppostite of your intent. Clouds representing the movement then passing of a relationship. Your intent..Quite a challenge!

A few examples just to consider, maybe working with.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 22, 2012)

In light of all the comments, I will continue to tinker with this to find the precise words I need. I appreciate all the feedback!

SM - certainly I had intent, but I think the fact that readers took away what they did is great, even if it if different than how I view it. Maybe my comment was a bit extreme - I suppose I view the woman as vehicle but also sort of a subject B where subject A would be the general concept of movement and forgetfullness over time. Thanks for the careful analysis.


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## shedpog329 (Feb 24, 2012)

*Then The Distance....I Would Like To Remember....*

These Parts Seemed To Be Significant To Me, There Is A Moment Of Pause Between These Moments, But There Is Always That Resounding Distance Between You And The Former, The Character And The Text Itself (Correct Me If I'm Wrong) But There Is Something Amidts The Clouds That Isn't Embodied Within The Story....It Leaves Me Waning More Details....But I Understand The Difference Between Knowing And Wanting At The Same Time

*When Pale Smiles....In Your Eyes....Takes Its Place....A New Shape


*Again...The Second Characters Eyes, I See What You See....But What Does She....I Am Desired To Know


Well Written....Write Another Perspective....For My Sake


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## Firemajic (Feb 24, 2012)

Is it wrong of me--to not want to analyse this soft ethereal poem? I just want to enjoy...Sorry for not having a useful critique---but I love this one! Peace...Jul


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