# 21/7/2011 - LM - Historical Fiction SCORES



## Hawke (Aug 15, 2011)

A huge thank you to our dear Like a Fox, the judges, and everyone who entered!

Right. Let's get to it...


Flapjack - 17, 12, 16, 18 = 63 - Average = 15.75
Dreamworx - 18, 13, 16, 16 = 63 Average = 15.75
Crazed Scribe -16, 11, 15.5, 16 = 58.5 - Average = 14.625
Baba Yaga - 19, 14, 19.5, 16 = 68.5 - Average = 17.125
bazz cargo - 17, 15, 18, 18 = 68 - Average = 17
DuKane - 18, 16, 17, 16 = 67 - Average = 16.75
Bilston Blue - 18, 17, 19, 20 = 74 - Average = 18.5
ChicagoHeart - 17, 12, 17, 20 = 66 - Average = 16.5
spider8 - N/A - Judge
alanmt - 17, 14, 18, 20 = 69 - Average = 17.25
Tom - 16, 11, 18, 19 = 64 - Average = 16
InsanityStrickenWriter - 16, 13, 16.5, 19 = 64.5 - Average = 16.125
Anna Buttons - 19, 19, 19, 19 = 76 - Average = 19
Rustgold - 17, 14, 18.5, 19 = 68.5 - Average = 17.125
morc44u - N/A
Monkey Doctor - N/A



And the winners are:


*First Place - Anna Buttons!*

*Second Place - Bilston Blue!*

*Third Place - Alanmt!*

Congratulations to all the winners and all of the entrants. Thank you so much for the enjoyable reads!

Note: Any formatting problem in the following scores are completely my fault. Or my computer's fault. Or the internet's fault. They are _not_ the judges fault. 

Also Note: If there are any errors or omissions, please PM me asap. Thank you.

***

*Eluixa's Scores*
  I enjoy your efforts immensely! So many entries and you are writing so well that I found this very hard to judge, and found myself relying on impression, impact and eloquence. Thank you for having me.


  Peaceful Priorities by Flapjack 
  16/20
My understanding of this was very tongue in cheek, so ah, hoping that is how it was meant. Really liked the bit about the toast. That was my favorite part, even though I’d taken a jaunt over to Wikipedia and was envisioning the true catastrophe, whilst reading about the benefits of a super toaster. Which while I cringe at the history here, if you knew me, you’d know that toast is one of my favorite things ever. Cleanly written, and lightly humorous, but an approach that feels like déjà vu. I think you could step out a bit farther on your limb, you are quite capable.

  Dreaming On the Danube River by Dreamworks95 
  16/20
This story set me on a long course of research, and I learned a lot I did not know before, one link leading to another and the conclusion being, that while your prose flows as always, you are too much a sweet child to convincingly get into the head of a psychopath, even a young one. I wonder if this would have worked better for me in third person for that reason. It may be that I am too biased in his case and cannot make the leap you’re your ambitious artist to future mass murderer. He sounds like a petulant child here and I understand where you were going with this, I believe. It is just not convincing me of the person you are writing about.
You’re innocent perspective is a profound part of your writing. Your talent and time may take you to a place where I would believe, but I would never want you to understand him like that either.
  The connection with Rienzi I enjoyed very much. 

  The Curse of Tutankhamen by Crazed Scribe 
  15.5/20
Though I’d heard of the curse, I really knew nothing about it, and it was amusing to take a peek into it after reading your piece. I do wonder if I am missing something here, some social relevance, but I did learn, and that is always good.
In the beginning, you use don’t disclose the sex of the student, but it is no secret as you do shortly, so I would use –bow his head, instead of bow their head--. Also reread a time or two more for things like ‘precautions’ and a back and forth sentence regarding the hall being empty. 
A good play between master and priest and I could easily visualize the scene. And I can’t help but think that the priest was up to something. Keep it up!

  At the Gates of Hell by Baba Yaga 
  19.5/20
The circular theme of your story resonates with me, and feels very complete. I would love to be able to pull that off. That, well chosen words, an easy style and a character I can really empathize with, made it so much more heart wrenching.
  I saw this as possible in many places, but it first brought to mind Israel and Palestine. 
I was in fact a little confused about the jeeps that were theirs, but the militia that were not? And the paragraph that dealt with the tanks and shells, but is placed before the jeeps arrived had me briefly wondering if it was the same incident. I think it was, but no matter. A very succinct portrayal of the lunacy of war. 

  The Next Step by bazz cargo 
  18/20
Very enjoyable in an -- oops, those poor saps are doomed-- kind of way. British comedy felt like, and lightens my way, for much of history told, is intense. 
Invigorating to be out on the field, watching this spectacular disaster to be, and allowed to find humour in it. A day to remember, can’t believe the queen did not come to see those brave men thrust to their spectacular end for the sake of scientific ambition. My only particulars are in the last lines. It stands out oddly and can’t decide if it draws the mood a little too low, or if it is in fact quite fitting. 

  If Only by DuKane
  17/20
I am curious how you came to write about Tanday? This is a story I knew I had to understand better, and again, was lead to learn so much more about both WWI and WWII. So thank you! I’ve watched movies, and mostly I can’t, and avoid the subject, finding it too painful. 
Your take is encouraging. You’ve shown the strong and valiant heart of a man that is the exact opposite of Hitler and even though he shoots him, he regrets the need and his haste which had him shoot before properly evaluating the situation. But he did see, and spared Hitler in our history. Had he killed him, it would have been excused, certainly under the circumstances, but Tanday could not because of who he was. Ah the irony, a soul like his the hand that allowed such a foul man to live, recognizing him as another casualty, knowing nothing about him. And so many more were called to show their belief in right over wrong. I really like that you showed if only, and yet showed why it could not be also. I wondered why there was an exclamation after ‘never heard of him’.
  And what is a Bosch? I found the artist, so is that the reference’s origin? 

  They were Red and White (and Ninety-Six) by Bilston Blue 
  19/20
Bilston, this is a tribute to be proud of. I went missing when I was six for several hours. I knew where I was the whole time and was safe, but I remember when my mother first laid eyes on me again and you’ve captured that perfectly. The relief, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Written to evoke, and while I see that you are talented, it also feels like it came rather naturally this time. It is written simply, and yet every time I read it, I am hushed.
I’d not known about this tragedy. I think somewhere, I’d heard something went very wrong and deadly at a game, but until I’d researched it, I hadn’t realized the horror of it. This history challenge has been great for learning. 

  The Truth About Thunder Thighs by ChicagoHeart 
  17/20
And off we go way, way back to the land before time. Yes, but I have watched that many times, and Jurassic park, read and reread several children’s books, and so duly appreciate your little quip here! I like the reincarnation angle; a soul with a mission! No nits just a good time rant. 
I also am of the notion that we still know less than nothing about those times, fun as it is to make believe. Of course Brontosaurus was intelligent and able. Take elephants and whales. In their element, they are divine. Ever wonder if a different ratio of oxygen might have been a key to the giants of the past? 

   A Lock of Blonde Hair by spider8 
  Judge Entry
Genuinely heartwarming. I’m glad you contributed and I look forward to reading more of your work. The speech patterns had the effect of bringing me as close as Tony was, watching Gunter, feeling his joy and gratitude at the end. The story itself is a touch cliché but you pulled it off with class. I can’t figure out how to type Gunter with the proper U.

  Beneath the Angry Eyes of an Ugly God by alanmt 
  18/20
This felt familiar to me and I’m not sure if it is because I am becoming accustomed to your style, or because this is history and somehow I’ve come upon it before and forgotten. It felt like a chapter of a great long story, and so it is. Having been inspired to look into it, I see your motivation in writing this piece. 
Your ability with words, form, etc indeed gets better by the story. It feels more like a telling though and while it works exactly as intended for the purposes herein, and is done really well [I have such faith in your novel], it felt less like ‘you’. I think that is mostly because it is an old story retold, but remember that you are the essence. 

  The Man in the Mirror by Tom 
  18/20
Ack! I fight this all the way to the end. I am aghast, refusing to believe a sane man could do this, no matter from what hell he came. Or could he? No. Maybe. I try and mostly fail to believe he could operate through this torment, that he does not end it, that he did not years ago. 
He has killed his namesake? Did he come in from the future because the original Adolf was not up to the job? And he can imagine himself a hero, because he was able to become a monster? Can you be other than you live? A mind mess this is. And mess is not the word I’d have chosen if given leave. Bravo? And yikes! Setting me to ponder the place he came from, and yet I can’t go there, making his justification his alone. 
No, actually this cannot be abided. Who could be sent back to do this, who could volunteer? It is rather a sacrifice invented for an egomaniac by a people that demand that someone take the responsibility of morality for them, someone else to suffer and pave their way, like Christ, but in this case, the Antichrist. Such is this world built that an impossible burden be deemed necessary to save us from ourselves. 
Fear, frustration and psychosis in one form or another, had the effect of knocking sense into us, but why must we be pushed so far before we react?
  I hope my reaction is acceptable as comments. It just flew from my fingertips.

  Battle of Waterloo by InsanityStrickenWriter 
  16.5/20
Found this funny in places but confusing. I felt I was missing the point, as I just do not know enough about this area in history and felt I needed to know to make this piece work for me. I tried to research, came across the reference to the mud and on a tangent, learned about the Napoleonic code, which of course I’d heard about, but now have a better grasp on. Try not to be too astonished at my ignorance. The writing was neat and quick, though very contemptuous of Napoleon; again, just wished I understood your take better. The switch from battle to board game would be a good way to learn more, given a much larger word allowance, as I believe you stated elsewhere. And sometimes I have to adjust my thinking to make things work, like Spongebob. Maybe that is the case here. 

  Hebony by Anna Buttons 
  19/20
Reading your writing is like bathing in honeyed milk. Each time through is dreamier than the last. Blissfully poetic. I don’t know who Hebony may have been, and at the end, refused to look further into it, preferring the mystery of Cleopatra’s beloved. Your references to her many lives, and her knowledge of them is intriguing. One day I might take a trip into Egyptian lore and learn more. 
The only line that gave me pause was the one about Hebony lighting up rooms. Felt like a word was missing somehow/somewhere, or maybe just a comma. I did not understand how her not dying would cause her children shame, but I’m thinking that is more my ignorance of the situation than anything else. 

  Forest Dossier Delivery by Rustgold [B.D.Branch] 
  18.5/20
Not so long ago, I began watching movies on this war. My interest followed a series in fiction and I have to say your story rings painfully true to what I’ve come to learn of this very long and brutal conflict. You have my respect for showing the true tragedy of innocents and innocence lost and broken. 
The first ¾’s explained the situation, but with only 650 words, should probably have been shorter, because the end, where I was at the edge of my seat, was a little too short and confusing. Who was there with them? I guess he dispatched that person too?
------“My boss has convicted her, don’t interfere,” I said; but it didn’t matter, for only quickly decaying ripples were remaining.------
  So she threw herself into the river while he was speaking? Or was helped? 
  Also you said –They were major bones breaking. Did you mean, There were, or they as in, Those were major…? 
One of my favorite takes this time around. I do hope you write happier endings sometimes. I was as sad for the loss of this man by his actions, as for his actions. I appreciate his seeing those under his bosses thumb as criminals and desperados and that he included himself amongst the caught. It is this type of character that I most desperately want to prevail over himself.

*

*spider8's Scores*

_Don’t be disheartened if you see I’ve given you a low mark. My marks are influenced by comparative placements also._

*Peaceful Priorities by FlapJack*

This felt awkward to read, starting with the opening sentence and wondering what ‘hazard pay’ was. Then I wondered why you had the unnecessary - ‘I asked the young man.’
 Then ‘*The *Lieutenant *Early’* had me puzzling. Maybe you want me to work things out during the course of the read. Unfortunately, I still can’t.

Has the Manhattan Project been changed into making a toaster? Great idea! Or do the soldiers just not know? 

I’m not sure if your link is the Manhattan Project or a huge change in the second world war (Both?). If the former, I’m not sure that having two people talk about it is the way to go. If the latter, the story seems to be about changing facts. Fine, but there doesn’t seem to be a story apart from this.Perhaps, as a reader, I’m just meant to be viewing a scene which would also be okay if there was more to it. I couldn’t help spotting erroneous punctuation which prevented you engaging me. Overall, just not clear enough for me. The ideas are perhaps too big for 650 words. 

I liked the general liveliness of the dialogue that nearly pulled me from my awkwardness.

12/20  

*Dreaming on the Danube River by Dreamworx95*

A good story and good recovery after a slow, passive opening paragraph that could have done without ‘was’. Also in that opening, if you had put ‘I sat atop a grassy hill,sketching the…‘, and then followed with the description of the scene I think it would have been stronger. I do remember that Hitler used to paint in his youth.I don’t know why you had him sketching instead (with a pen?), shading the greenery has me thinking of water colours or painting (brush).

“Yesterday’s show was incredible, wasn’t it?” Starting a new paragraph with this had me thinking this was August’s line.

I think the punchline and revelation is the name Adolf.Before this, I was thinking ‘Monet? Dali?’ etc. So something about it had me already thinking that there was a punchline and it would be the name. But it was still a good’un.

I’d never heard of _Rienzi._The first time you use it, you correctly italicise it - which made me think itwas a title, not a person. But because the next two times you don’t use italics,I looked back and thought it was just an inflection from the character. Now I’ve googled it and yes, you must italicise it all three times.

‘…sat up on his elbows.’ If he was lying on his stomach,yes. But perhaps the word limit omitted a couple of words. So, I’d have preferred the omission of ‘…on his elbows.’

I liked it, which was the important thing. Not sure about the cloud and the ‘Exactly like I said.’ at the end. It had me hunting back and failing to find the link.

13/20

*The Curse of Tutankhamen by Crazed Scribe*

It’s difficult to get into a story with ‘off’ instead of‘of’ in sentence 1. ‘their’ instead of ‘his’ in sentence 2 (only with hindsight– because of ‘their’ I imagined a lecture room and wondered at the missing ‘s’ in ‘student*s*). ‘*Sack* and *pillage*…’ Now I’m wondering if you should have one or the other –see what happens to me with the first two mistakes? I’m now looking for them instead of being focussed on the story. In the last para you have ‘there’ instead of ‘their’. A few more mistakes as well (in fact, many more). Anyway,enough of them!

A nice little scene and idea let down by a general lack of clarity.

11/20

*At the Gates of Hell by Baba Yaga*

A clumsy mistake with ‘barley’ early in. I enjoyed this despite certain problems. For instance, soldiers leading militiamen- aren’t militiamen soldiers?

‘…identified the vehicles as their own…were indeed theirs’ I don’t know who ‘their/s’ refers to as there are three factions; the prisoners,or refugees(?), Nevet’s people and the militiamen. On a second look, probably the militiamen’s. 

Also, I’m not sure about the history link.

I loved the ending with Nevet closing her eyes but unable to close her ears. The bullets tearing through the night had me thinking tearing through flesh. Overall very nicely written, which I appreciated.

14/20

*The Next Step by Bazz Cargo*

Ah, Brunel!

Great idea. I linked them to Rocket early on then you nicely took me out of my comfort zone with the space locomotive. Good funny dialogue from you again but needs better punctuation. i.e. ‘Blood and sand George!’should be ‘Blood and sand, George!’ and ‘Hells teeth Brunel what was that thing?’ should be ‘Hell’s teeth, Brunel! What was that thing?’ In fact, missing commas were the only problem. I think the nature of the quaint dialogue renders me forgiving over things like ‘Pon…’

‘…wealth we can, only do it for next to nowt.’ Made me smile.

You got me to read this with a jaunt in my stride, if you know what I mean.

15/20

*If Only by DuKane*

Your word count’s a good bit off, it was well under 648 words(632? Yes, I’m that sad, I counted them manually because of Monkey Doctor!)

There was a sprinkling of small errors such as:
‘Tanday was also mention in despatches…’
‘He was a well built under his…’

I’m not sure if using ‘Harold’ and ‘Harris’ for the two men is wise. I loved the few hairs ‘defiantly attached’ and the differences between the men.

I’ve read so much about the Great War that I immediately felt in a comfort-zone, or perhaps your well composed piece put me there.Though there were instances where I thought an extra word or two would help me, and I blamed the word-limit for you.

Great story, great ending, that totally caught me out.

16/20

*Red and White by Bilston Blue*

The only problem, a minor one that I had with this story,was Uncle Ron seeming to appear from nowhere, too coincidentally, just after Bobby. That felt contrived. Though it _is_ possible.

 The story opened my eyes a little, with the police thinking the crowd were just infighting so they left the crowd to it. The link to the photo helped put me in a comfort-zone immediately. BB, if you weren’t at the ground yourself, this story is pretty awesome. I myself do remember seeing the crushed barriers on the news. If you were there, then you have my sympathies and appreciation.

The last few lines could have been a touch clearer, less potentially ambiguous. ‘He didn’t make it’. Now of course you mean he died. But it could mean he didn’t make it to the match or, ridiculously, didn’t deliver the papers. 

Overall - Well done! I’m giving you an extra point for the link.

17/20

*The Truth about Thunder Thighs by ChicagoHeart *

Great opening line that grabbed me.

Very original piece. A nice little exercise in ‘What if..’Nicely written but the second half doesn’t _quite _live up to the first half’s promise. It felt a bit flat for me due to lack of a story really, but I still found it interesting and mentally smiled a couple of times. That inner smile never quite caused my facial muscles to react though.

Perhaps I was taking it too seriously. The best thing about it was your ideas came across clearly.

12/20

*Beneath the Angry Eyes of an Ugly God by Alanmt*

645 words btw.

Most of this is well written but I got tripped up by a couple of things such as ‘All that Chrysanthos could see…men behind him.’ And too many men watching Chrysanthos stab that man. What were they all doing meantime? The biggest trip-up for me was the history-link: I just don’t see one(although I’m sure there is). I was just about to expect another Hitler link and then didn’t know who you were talking about. (Perhaps Alexander the Great?)

It’s not your fault that this challenge has inspired several personality-reveals as the punchlines. Overall, an enjoyable read though due to the smooth prose.

14/20 

*The Man in the Mirror by Tom*

Another Hitler one? Surely not.

It’s certainly not your fault there’s been 2 already. But each one weakens the other.

There were one or two problematic sentences like the third one in, that I had to read two or three times to work out where the comma should be put (to help me understand). And another problem later, ‘I shuffle into the closet.’?

The first section ended well with the punchy ‘You have people to kill.’

Some great lines like ‘…horrific fiction…twisted reality…’though I’m not sure if it suits - this slows down what was earlier speeding up.

Certain aspects felt vague to me. Almost like _you_ knew what you were doing and not understanding _my_ ignorance. I think I could just be mentally failing to join up the dots.

11/20

*Battle** of Waterloo by InsanityStrickenWriter*

I didn’t really understand the game which was a big let-down. I’ve read the end again and again. So much that I had to go back and read your story again from the start because I’d forgotten it. As with your Superhero story, there’s a nice silliness to some of this. But this one isn’t as funny for me, especially under a closer, dissecting scrutiny. In fact I found it annoying – that is always a danger with humour.

99% of this is very well written (saving you from a lower mark), though spoiled by one or two careless mistakes like ‘eying’ second sentence in. I spotted at least one punctuation error after this. 

This tale just didn’t work for me I’m afraid.

13/20

*Hebony by Anna Buttons*

It seems unfair that you won the last one (or last but one?)and have now conjured this marvel up. The authority you display with the ending lifted me with appreciation and admiration. It lifted me up, and made me feelgood. It made me feel gr88888t! Great idea, brilliantly executed. I think the poetry at the end raised it from good to great. I would love to give perfect marks but I can’t because of one or two things I perceive as mistakes.e.g. I think ‘…heirs own…’ should be ‘…heir’s own…’ and  didn’t like the _US_ spelling of ‘maneuvres’ – nothing wrong with that, though.. As a reader, these can be partially forgiven because of the overall quality. I think this is the best thing I’ve read on this forum.

One or two vague moments that strangely suited the whole, if you know what I mean.

Despite being yet another name-reveal, you pulled it off,made it work.

I’m so glad our old friend Adolf didn’t show up at the end to spoil it! I’ve just about had enough of Adolf.

Well done. Sometimes mathematics is waylaid by genius. 

19/20

*Forest** Dossier Delivery by Rustgold*

Without your other posts I wouldn’t have seen the historical link. But I’ll have to mark you down nevertheless because as it stands on its own there isn’t a link.

Anyway: A captivating little story. You take care not to shove the details down my throat and I liked the resulting elusive quality. 

One or two mistakes like ‘In the forest, I was expected to have slit her throat.’ and some unclear thoughts because of punctuation.

A bit of ambiguity at the end with ‘Still I couldn’t help but hope.’ Hope for what? (should have a comma after ‘Still…’)

I didn’t like the use of ‘&’ instead of ‘and’.

But a good moody piece.

14/20


*The Barnyard Aeronauts by morc44u*

This is the only tale where I haven’t spotted a mistake while reading. Well done. 

It seemed almost perfect as a small piece: a dash of humour, a slow revelation (as I realised the envelope was a balloon), great links. You maxed out on all the guidelines. 

And I learned something.

Well written without seeming to try – effortlessly written.I hope to see more of your good stuff.

N/A

*Untitled by Monkey Doctor*

I made this 672 words, so be careful not to trust your word counter too much (it can often be out of kilter with reality). Some people sacrifice words to keep to the limit so it’s important to try, out of respect for the others. Having bumblebee instead of bumble bee would have saved you a few. As a result of your carelessness, I have spent several hours manually counting words in the other stories, with bits of paper, each paragraph counted and numbered. But, I’m sorry if your computer led you astray. No hard feelings.

Anyway, onwards and upwards…(or rather, in this case,onwards and downwards).

 Apart from the idea itself, this didn’t do much for me. I was getting distracted early on because you didn’t give me a sense of place until too late (also, I would have appreciated a ‘he said, she said’ to help me out). Once I arrived though, I was able to focus.

I feel there were too many vague comments by the characters.With me not knowing much about religion, I couldn’t work it out.

Some of the punctuation could be polished. i.e. ‘it’s too late,Eve.’ And ‘Oh, come on.’

Good effort and idea though. But I just feel that you, with a bit more effort, could have done better.

N/A

**
Hawke's Scores*

*Flapjack - Peaceful Priorities - 17*
Nits: comma needed before all sir. 
I liked this. Not out of my mind in love with it, though. I liked how the young soldier spoke of toast and such, and his commanding officer fluffed it off as no big. I'm sure many would have done exactly the same. Sad, innit. 

*Dreamworx95 - Dreaming On the Danube River - 18*
I loved that at first I didn't know who 'I' was. I really enjoyed your story, too. It was chilling, just as I suspect you were aiming for. Really good work here, Dream.

*Crazed Scribe - The Curse of Tutankhamen - 16*
Nits: off = of?; their head = his head; must be precautions = take precautions; ...was barren, now that they... = suggest two different sentences; you don't need a comma after every name, only if there is a pause, which there wasn't.
I'm a huge Egyptology freak so I easily got into this. Funny how the priests changed things to suit themselves. Nice twist of the obvious. (Just to say, there's evidence that Tut simply fell out of his chariot.)  Was the scepter not reserved for gods and pharaohs only?  Good work here. 

*BabaYaga - At the Gates of Hell - 19*
That touched me. I like your voice and I like how it flowed. I would have liked to have read more, too. Good work.

*bazz cargo - The Next Step - 17*
Nits: Pon = threw me for a minute. Maybe 'Pon; comma before Jack; ...turned up, [.] “Isambard [,] old bunion [,] how goes the circus?”;  many missing commas; button?” Asked = asked; ...cheered, having... = semicolon; a top = atop; “Hells = Hell's
I'm sorry, but I didn't get what this was based on. I also kept getting thrown out of the work by the nits. The idea was sound though. It just needed to be cleaned up. 

*DuKane - If Only - 18*
Nits: Missing a few commas; exchange comma for period before dialogue tag.
A nice, clean bit of writing, other than what I mentioned above. At the end, I found myself thinking If only as I’m sure many other readers did. Good work, this. It had little description and yet I still felt like I could ‘see’ the people there… perhaps to do with the many Remembrance Day services I’ve witnessed on TV and in person. Good job. 

*Bilston Blue - They were Red and White (and Ninety-Six) - 18*
Nits: I’d capitalize all ‘dad’ or none of ‘dad’; …Dad continued, ‘it’s just a…” = ’It
I vaguely remember hearing something about this, or a similar instance. How horrific. Happens at rock concerts, too. I can’t imagine…  Good work with this and nicely handled, Bilston. 
*
ChicagoHeart - The Truth About Thunder Thighs - 17*
Nits: It’s best to double-space between paragraphs for reading ease. 
For whatever reason, this didn’t  reminded of Jurassic Park, but instead We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story. (Mostly because it talks, I suppose.) I thought this was as cute as a button, but just not enough of an actual plot and more of a blog entry/rant, if you know what I mean. Still cute, though. Also, you could have taken more advantage of the word count. Just saying. 

*spider8 - A Lock of Blonde Hair - N/A - Judge*
Nits: prised = pried; watch dialogue tags - “…not know,” he said.
He finally found out that his father loved him. It took a lifetime, yes, but at least he found out. Really nice work here, spider. Moving. Super job. 

*alanmt - Beneath The Angry Eyes of an Ugly God - 17 *
This was a nice background of the unknown past of Alexander The Great’s friend. Still, I would’ve liked to have felt even more for this boy, though I’m not sure how that could have been accomplished. A good tale. Nice and clean, too. 

*Tom - The Man in the Mirror - 16*
I’m surprised by the amount of Hitler works there are in this competition. It’s nothing against your work; I’m just saying. First person reflecting on the future isn’t sitting all that well with me. Sticking to the murderer / hero would have sat much better. I liked it though and it was a clean read. Just a little too lean a story where you really could have let the dog off the chain. You’ve got the talent, dude. 
*
InsanityStrickenWriter - Battle of Waterloo - 16 *
Nits: It’s best to double-space between paragraphs for reading ease; ...and even,” he paused to laugh and placed a hand on Wellington’s shoulder, “A tyrant!” = a tyrant!” (there was a pause, not a finished sentence).
A ‘short’ game. Funny and creative, though not new. I’m not the first to say that it’s too bad more battles weren’t won or lost this way… but what if the wrong guys won? As for the soldiers. Maybe we could swap them out for politicians. Just a happy thought. Good work. 

*Anna Buttons - Hebony - 19*
Nice, nice, nice work. I enjoyed. 

*Rustgold - Forest Dossier Delivery - 17*
Nits: An awful lot of semicolons in this, although I realize that they’re used as a way to cut the word count. Still, a lot can get distracting. There are also a few extra commas.
I think I kept getting hooped up with the use of the word ‘men’ when I think these were more like creatures. Unless I’m completely wrong. In any case, I sort of understood it, but unfortunately not enough. And I didn’t feel for the main character, sadly, so I didn’t care that he did what he did, even though he was sort of remorseful (and even though he sort of reminded me of the Huntsman in Little Red Riding Hood). 

*morc44u - The Barnyard Aeronauts - N/A - no link*
This was pretty darn good even if sticking fairly closely with what actually happened. I liked it and it worked for me. I hope you continue to enter the LMs. 

*Monkey Doctor - Out In The Cold - N/A - over max *
Nits: don’t forget punctuation at the end of your sentences; some missing commas; some missing capitals.
I really liked this. It was fun and had a nice twist to it. In fact, I’m still smiling. I hope you continue to enter the LMs.  

*
*
moderan's Scores*


Thanks to all who participated. Good stories. Sorry if I come off harsh sometimes, but I'm a tough crowd. You'll likely have a chance to return in kind:smile:

*Flapjack-Peaceful Priorities*

18 points

The "voice" in general is very good, the tone is even and works well with the character. Minor spelling errors and a bit of grammatical idiosyncracy are on display (Manhatten?). A tale well-told, though, and exhibiting the esprit de corps of the Armed Forces in an altworld format. Interesting and near-perfect. PKD won a Hugo and a Nebula for an extended version of this idea, 49 years ago.

*Dreamworx95-Dreaming on the Danube River*

16 points

The first paragraph is grammatically uneven. My impression is that the sun is gleaming only in the spot from which the narrator "overlooks the panorama". The dialogue is a little stilted and the whole is more of a vignette than a story. Moves ok after that first paragraph, but those runons ruin the piece.

*Crazed Scribe-The Curse of Tutankhamen*

16 points

Good story if a trifle cliched. I don't believe that the cat o'nine tails was available in classical Egypt. The opening is rife with spelling errors- "off" for "of", "student keeping their head low". Not the highest caliber of editing. A little awkward as far as phrasing. Still readable though.
*
BabaYaga-At the Gates of Hell*

16 points

I'm sorry, but "barely audible" and "blaring" are contradictory. "Barley audible" has nary a grain of truth to it. No dialogue, cliched subject matter-nothing really happens to drive the point home. Better luck next time.
*
bazz cargo-The Next Step*

18 points

Good opening. Maybe a little poesy-ish but effective. A few minor spagnits keep this tale from perfection...apostrophes missing in spots and an absent comma.

*DuKane-If Only*

16 points

Multiple spagnits mar this otherwise unremarkable tale. I particularly like how someone is a well-built underneath a camel hair overcoat...could have gone through the editor's routine once more. On the plus side, the descriptions are excellent and the author has a good ear for dialogue.

*
Bilston Blue-They were Red and White (and Ninety-Six)*

20 points

No spelling or grammatical errors, involving storyline. Well-characterized in economical fashion. Competently edited. A perfect score.
*
alanmt-Beneath the Angry Eyes of an Ugly God*

20 points

Deep into the author's Allen's metier. I bet he was really upset when the idea of historical fiction was introduced. Great title. No spagnits whatsoever...a second perfect score. I actually read this one three times to be sure I got it.*

Rustgold-Forest Dossier Delivery*

19 points

Good but not quite great. I'm not sure what nature of beast/man the narrator is (or the boss-my take is that such needed to be spelled out), and that didn't help my comprehension. Otherwise enjoyable-I do love tales told by the putative monster.

*
morc44u-The Barnyard Aeronauts*

N/A

I could give this 20 but the missing comma knocks off a point. (“Your invention has potential to bring glory to France” replied King Louis with a scowl.) Great idea though, really liked it and the execution. Would have read better in the francais but that isn't an option here:smile:

*
Monkey Doctor-Out in the Cold*

N/A

Lots of missing punctuation. All dialogue, which is cool. Decent story with a climax, a little bit cliche but whatever. World's shortest joke-"Fleas. Adam, had 'em." Different way to deal with the myth.
*
ChicagoHeart-The Truth About Thunder Thighs*

20 points

Hilarious. The brachiosaurus as bandersnatch. No spagnits, and I laughed out loud at the premise.
*
Tom-the Man in the Mirror*

19 points

Trying to outfox Norman Spinrad in a flash fiction. Tall order and almost pulled off. Minor spagnits keep this from achieving a perfect score. I recommend The Iron Dream for the author's perusal. Excellent premise.
*
InsanityStrickenWriter-the Battle of Waterloo*

19 points

Funny story. Napoleon's garlic had me chortling. Minor spelling errors stole a point. The central conceit is well-developed and the dialogue realistic given the premise.
*
Anna Buttons-Hebony*

19 points

There's nothing really wrong with this piece...I just was not as captivated by it as by some of the others. No spagnits but I couldn't give it a perfect score.


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## moderan (Aug 15, 2011)

The two N/As were both 19s...the math says that didn't change the outcome. Were those garbled in the pm copy/paste? They're on my copy...
Anyway everyone did well. It was a pleasure to read them all.


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## Hawke (Aug 15, 2011)

I removed the scores from the two in question as they were ineligible.


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## Anna Buttons (Aug 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my work (I have been a judge a couple of times - i know how time consuming it is). 

Eluixa - Thanks for the rave, it made my day. 

Spider8 - I'm not sure what you meant by 'Sometimes mathematics is waylaid by genius'. Thanks for pointing out my mistake with maneuvers and thanks for your comments; I really wasn't sure about this piece as it is very different to my usual style and it's awesome to know that it didn't just come across as some naff sappy love story. 

I didn't have a chance to read all the entries but i just had a quick squiz at Bilston Blue's and Alanmt's. 

Bilston Blue - I loved 'we cried our eyes sore' and 'He didn’t finish. I wasn’t, and that was enough.' Also 'It was too dark to see him, so mum switched the light on, and it seemed too bright for such an occasion.' Very emotive piece. 

Alanmt - I loved 'the  dark shapes of the men behind him, who turned right when he turned  right, turned left when he turned left, and moved gradually closer.' and 'the clouds had lowered, draping the city in gloom, and the rain had come' and 'Beneath him, the wounded one gasped and died.' You have a captivating voice. 

Thanks again. X.


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## Rustgold (Aug 15, 2011)

I had no idea which entries would win, because the entries I like most looked like they could have used a few more words.

Quote Spider8's entry : "‘Pretty?’
‘Instantly.’
‘I’m glad. Even though he not like me I’m glad it was…_pretty _quick. Ha! I not too old to learn. Ha!’"

Question : Was it your intention to have the German maybe mis-learning a word?


Re Flapjack's entry : Of all the entries, I think this has the biggest 'what if' factor.  You could have 100 possible outcomes, from Africa remaining under colloquial rule, to what if WW2 started 4 years later?  You could spend a few hours on this.


InsanityStrikenWriter's entry : I liked it and its strange (loopy fun) way.  Other than it possibly needing a few more words, there was one thing I would have done.
Quote : "let us begin our battle for Europe, eh?”

For me, I would have liked to have seen it several paragraphs lower, after the bit about the cushions.


Will write later, thanks to all judges for the time & comments.


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## BabaYaga (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks to all the judges for the comments, it's always much appreciated- and a well-deserved congrats to the winners! Looking forward to the next one 

_Edit: I see that my time setting might have been seen as confusing, it was set during the 1982 Shatila massacre (not sure if that's what you were also thinking Eluxia) if anyone was wondering. So not ancient history, but I understood it could be set anytime in the past. Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read and comment. _


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## Flapjack (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks to all the Judges. I was certainly tongue-in-cheek with my entry so I hope you all at least had a laugh. One of you mentioned private Early.  His full name was Brighton Early. I figured it fit with his character. I was kind of hoping someone would notice that . 

Anyway, thanks again and congrats to Anna, Bilston and Alanmt.


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## candid petunia (Aug 15, 2011)

Congrats to the winners--Anna, Bilston and Alan!


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## Bilston Blue (Aug 15, 2011)

Wow, I came second.:-D  Thanks to the judges for taking the time to read all of these, and to score them. I haven't had time to read the others yet, with the exception of ISW's take on Waterloo; been too busy preparing for a big work-based exam. I'll get around to reading those others after Wednesday.

With reference to the feedback:

*Eluixa*, those are some pretty powerful positive comments there. Thank you so much. I'm glad the story seemed to have such an impact. I was really unsure about this subject because in this country, even though we're twenty-two years after the event, it's still such a raw and emotive subject.

*Spider*, thanks for your comments. I wasn't at the ground, but it had a huge impact on me personally as I was going to matches around the time. I can't remember if I cried, but if it happened today I think I would cry for days, being so into not just the sport, but the culture, the way the sport is almost like a second skin to many parts of our society. I love everything about it, and the people who died were people like me. 

*Hawke*, thanks for your comments. On the capitalisation of Dad, either all or none. I hear what you're saying, but I was taught/advised to use a capital when using the word in speech, when dad is being addressed. So essentially it is a noun; and other than that not to capitalise. Just for the record like. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.

*Flapjack*, you gave me a 20/20. Top banana. I'm humbled you thought it deserved a high mark. 

Congratulations also to Anna and Alan, and everyone for getting involved.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Aug 15, 2011)

Congrats to Anna for her 2nd consecutive win! And to all the winners for such well-deserved victories! :thumbl:

Thanks to the judges, too, for taking their time!


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## alanmt (Aug 15, 2011)

Thank you, judges!

Eluixa - must be my style or one of my earlier shorts about Alexander and Hephaestion, since I am kind of "filling in the blanks" with this back story, or maybe there is some other work you've read set in Delos, which is a really cool place. I understand what you mean about telling, I think. I liked this when i wrote it, but it now feels to me like I was trying to squeeze too much story into the 650 words.

Spider8: this was a backstory tale about how Alexander the Great came to meet his best friend/love of his life Hephaestion. I should have included a historical reference for the judges. And the fight scene was a bit of a victim of the word count; not an excuse, I know!  Group of men move to attack him; he jumps the one in front and stabs him, they both go down, and the others grab him, pull him up and restrain him. Hmmm. That isn't that many more words . . . .

hawke: thanks! I think I could added more personality, more of the boy himself if I had not tried to squeeze so much action and scene in. Ah well. 

moderan: haha! Was I the one who proposed historical fiction? Might be - I'd have to go back and look. Glad you liked it and re-read it twice!

I really liked that the topic was broad enough so that the entries were all so varied. Good work all around.


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## Monkey Doctor (Aug 15, 2011)

Wow. Not even scored.


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## moderan (Aug 15, 2011)

Hawke said:


> I removed the scores from the two in question as they were ineligible.


Oh ah...I didn't know that. Wordcount? Forgive my inattention. I am only an egg.
I think you proselytized heavily in favor of the subject-you may have been the originator, alanmt. Sorry my parentheses got lost in my review of your piece. I hate typos!


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## Eluixa (Aug 15, 2011)

Flapjack, I caught Brighton Early, and laughed, just didn't mention it.

Monkey Doctor, I really enjoyed your piece! It had so much to offer and was darn good for an hour and a half work. Just felt my hands were tied as far as following the prescribed rules. To me, the comments are the prize, not the score as much, and it's where I put most of my energy, reading, researching and judging. I did not realize it was allowed to comment, or I would have.
Morc44u, I really enjoyed yours as well. What a silly little thing is a link, and yet...
 I hope both of you and Monkey try again.

Congrats to Anna Buttons, Bilston Blue and alanmt! 
And for all of you: If I'm going to read short stories like five to seven times each, at least they were well written and worthy of such perusal. Right on!


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## Deleted member 33527 (Aug 16, 2011)

15.75? Aw man! That'll teach me to write the story in two hours and submit when I have two weeks to let it sit. #-oI shall not make the same mistake again.
*
Eluixa,* I get that it was unbelievable for you. I'm not as sweet as I seem though. :devilish: At first I felt like you were judging the story based on your perception of me rather than your reaction to the story, but I went back and reread and realized you were right. Of course, there's no way I can try to relate to a mass murderer. Quite frankly, I would never want to understand that either. But he wasn't always that person, I don't think. I tried to go to a time and place where I could understand him, and I found that I could sort of relate to the part of him that was a dreamer and an aspiring artist. That's where I tried to work from. 

*spider8*, sound advice as always. Hitler was a painter, but he used to sketch, too. I didn't realize that was a confusing thing as I was writing it. Yes, he was using a pen or a pencil. When I said he was shading the greenery, I just meant he was darkening it. 

"Yesterday's show was incredible, wasn't it?" -- that was August's line. 

I did mean "sat up on his elbows" but in a different way. "Leaning back on his elbows" would have probably worked better. 

"Exactly like I said" was referring to his outburst about "becoming a great leader and leading the people to power and freedom"

Gah, I really should have let this sit. I do feel like I did better than my last LM, which is good. That means I'll probably do even better next time. 

Thanks for the feedback. 

*Hawke, *thank you very much! Glad I hit you with the "chills" I'm happy you enjoyed it.

*Moderan*, I appreciate your honesty. Sorry the dialogue was stiff, I didn't mean for it to be. You never say which run ons you are talking about. Are you talking about the entire opening? 

Thank you for reading.

***

Congratulations to Anna Buttons, Bilston and Alan! Well deserved wins. I feel more motivated now because of you guys.


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## Eluixa (Aug 16, 2011)

If I was judging you, it was from a standpoint that you seem down to earth and sound. And none of us are as sweet as we come off. Especially the older we get. I like that you tried something so bold. Kudos for being experimental, though I totally second your sitting on it. It surprises me when anyone sets their piece before me with lots of time to spare. There was a lot to think about in your piece.


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## moderan (Aug 16, 2011)

Dreamworx95 said:


> *Moderan*, I appreciate your honesty. Sorry the dialogue was stiff, I didn't mean for it to be. You never say which run ons you are talking about. Are you talking about the entire opening?
> 
> Thank you for reading.



Yeah, the entire opening was full of runons. I was really thrown off by that.
The story showed that it was more or less first draft, last minute as you describe. You, or anyone submitting material to these contests, should understand that I'm holding things to a reasonably professional standard, as if I'm an editor of a magazine and you're trying to pry a check from my fingers. I'm way nicer than a lot of editors I've run across...because I'm _not_ paying you.
And there's definitely no need to apologize to me...I am simply trying to help. The nature of this beast is that the critiques aren't as in-depth as in, say, the Workshop.


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## DuKane (Aug 16, 2011)

Congrats to Anna, Bilston and Alanmt, well done to all the other entrants.

I can only apologize to all of the the judges for the errors, must do better! Sounds like my school reports.

*Eluixa: *I bumped into Tanday's story whilst researching my current book, which is actually set in WW2. His story, though extraordinary, sadden me when I read an interview he gave to a journalist after the London and Coventry bombings. He was racked with guilt and to quote; 'sorry to god he let him go'. 
I'm glad to have highlighted Tanday's story and I'm happy that you found you wanted to learn more,[just google his name]. I just decided to relieve him of his guilt.
Bosch: was a derogatory first world war term for the Germans used by all of the Allies. I did wonder if anyone the judges would question the spelling as there appear to be many different ways the term can be spelt, depending on whose interpretation you believe the term was originally devised by. Glad you enjoyed it and many thanks for your time and feedback.

*Spider8:* Glad you liked the story. I was going to berate you for the claim that you actually counted the words, obviously I did not believe it for one moment then a strange thing happened. I copied my original post into Neo-Office, 653 words, 648 without the title and word count. Further copied that into Word on the laptop, exactly the same results. Called you a few names, then later copied the same post into Text Wrangler, 636 words, 632 without the title and word count. I am at a loss to explain why, but am happy to highlight to all other members what a truly diligent judge you really are. Thank you for your time and trouble.

*Hawke:* Thank you for your time and trouble with the feedback, Im glad it provoked a positive response. It has caused a lot of discussion here, would WW2 have taken place, would it have been as bad, or would it have been worse. Who knows, but I'm more than pleased it had the same effect on you.

*Moderan:* Totally agree with your comments, I really must improve my editing. Your two positive comments have movitated me to continue, glad you thought that of the piece. Again apologies for the editing and thank you for your time and trouble.


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## moderan (Aug 16, 2011)

Definitely would encourage you to continue, DuKane. Flash fiction is a terrific way to develop your style and approach, and the economy you learn is good in any writing field.


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## bazz cargo (Aug 16, 2011)

Congratulations to Ana, Bils and Alan.
Thank you judges for your time and care.
I enjoyed the other entries so much I am unable to pick a favourite, damn.



> My only particulars are in the last lines. It stands out oddly and  can’t decide if it draws the mood a little too low, or if it is in fact  quite fitting.


Sorry Eluixa, it was me being daft. My narrator was a _Victorian_ called _Jack_ who could not wait to return to the _foggy streets of London. _(Dum dum dum dumm).

Thanks for enjoying my effort Spidy. I like the idea of slipping in the occasional bit of social commentary.

Hi Hawke,  my internal logic this entry was based on is as follows. Why do we call  spaceships ships? Why not spacetrain? Who is the most famous train  related person I know of? And why would he want to build one? I had to cut out about two thousand words of sarcasm and satire to make it fit.

Moderan you say the nicest things.

My spag is improving thanks to your kind efforts. All I need to do now is write stuff that kicks bottom.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Aug 17, 2011)

I did rather poorly... perhaps I shouldn't have been messing around for so long with cushions and mud. 

Eluxia


> contemptuous of Napoleon; again, just wished I understood your take better


Essentially I was just taking the micky out of stereotypes. Napoleon the stereotypical Frenchman, and Wellington the stereotypical Englishman. Every now and then I referred to a histroical truth, such as English newspapers making Napoleon out to be short, (he was actually quite tall for the time period), or the muddy ground, but all in all it was just a bit of silliness.

Spider-


> I didn’t really understand the game which was a big let-down.


Apologies, I took a bit too long to get to it, and by the time I did, I already had all the other silliness in there and didn't have much room for it. It was basically, as is said in the piece, a board with a winding path on it, littered with squares telling you to pick up cards and such. At the end of the path was a victory square. You win by either removing all of the opponents army or by reaching the victory square. Should've explained it, but thought the winding path would give enough of an idea.

Thanks to the judges and congratz to the winners


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## moderan (Aug 17, 2011)

bazz cargo said:


> Moderan you say the nicest things.
> 
> My spag is improving thanks to your kind efforts. All I need to do now is write stuff that kicks bottom.



I do? Where? Don't tell anyone, you'll spoil my rep *rolls eyes*
We all need to learn to write stuff that kicks bottom


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## Rustgold (Aug 18, 2011)

**Problems with the Flying entry*


> I enjoyed it, but it confused me. It took me at least three re-reads before I got to a position where I felt I understood it to an acceptable level.


Fixed or better this time.




> Your story seemed a bit convoluted to me. I feel like there is this great inside joke and I’m left out.


A couple of minor things this time due to word limit, but not like above.




> I got really lost reading this entry. It was in first person but most of the time felt like it was in a distant third. I suppose because all the first person bits were sort of just like stage direction.


Fixed this time.


I especially wanted the 1st person fault fixed with this challenge, so I basically met my requirements.




**Eluixa*


> The first ¾’s explained the situation, but with only 650 words, should probably have been shorter


Problem was that I was marginal on the theme as it was.  It would have been better though.




> So she threw herself into the river while he was speaking? Or was helped?


I had intended to make it clear that this was unknown, but word count.


**spider8*


> But I’ll have to mark you down nevertheless because as it stands on its own there isn’t a link.


No secret that I was concerned about the weakness in theme compliance.  Partly pleased I didn't get top 3 because of it.




> some unclear thoughts because of punctuation


Concern about theme compliance may have partly (not completely) affected this.


**Hawke*


> An awful lot of semicolons in this


Yeah I actually took some out afterwards with a edit.




> I think I kept getting hooped up with the use of the word ‘men’ when I think these were more like creatures.


A failure to explain Haunted Hills on my part.  I was thinking about smugglers & how they used to scary people away from their operations.




> And I didn’t feel for the main character, sadly, so I didn’t care that he did what he did,


I wasn't entirely sure whether I wanted readers to feel for the main character.  I was aiming for readers to feel sorry for the victims, although word count & theme compliance may have dinted that.


**moderan*


> I do love tales told by the putative monster.


My original idea was a first person on the young girl in a different setting, but realised it didn't quite fit.  An extra 100 words will do the story a world of good.


**spider8*


> Anyway: A captivating little story. You take care not to shove the details down my throat and I liked the resulting elusive quality.


Thanks.  Something I'm getting better on.

**Eluixa*


> It is this type of character that I most desperately want to prevail over himself.


I can only see this character prevailing in death, maybe dying to save somebody.  Could be a future challenge piece 




> One of my favorite takes this time around. I do hope you write happier endings sometimes


If I do what I'm looking at doing with the next challenge, you'll at least get that.


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## spider8 (Aug 20, 2011)

Hawke said:


> View attachment 2198
> 
> 
> I look forward to reading more of your work.


Don't hold your breath.


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## Hawke (Aug 20, 2011)

Pardon me?


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## spider8 (Aug 21, 2011)

Hawke said:


> Pardon me?



I lol'd for real at this. 

Thanks for the compliments. A belated well done to Anna B and th others (Hawke - your comment made me scroll back).

It's perhaps a brit expression. I rarely post any real work on here so I made that comment with a smile that was lost in cyberspace .

...not sure why I made such a useless comment in the first place.


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## Hawke (Aug 21, 2011)

Ah! Oh, don't worry about it. I scrolled up to see what I'd said, too; I thought I'd lost my marbles and grumbled at you or something. 

S'all good.


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## Crazed Scribe (Aug 25, 2011)

Congrats winners, well done! thanks judges for you time and effort, fair comments!


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## spider8 (Sep 3, 2011)

Rustgold said:


> Quote Spider8's entry : "‘Pretty?’
> ‘Instantly.’
> ‘I’m glad. Even though he not like me I’m glad it was…_pretty _quick. Ha! I not too old to learn. Ha!’"
> 
> ...


Apologies for the late response.
I only wanted to show that he had pride in himself and self-awareness that his mind was disintegrating.


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