# Our Love



## inkwellness (Apr 17, 2015)

You took our love,
a budding bloom,
that never had a chance.

You took up roots,
and there had doomed,
the loveliest of plants.

You took two vines,
which had entwined,
now robbed of their romance

You took saplings,
for which I'd pined.
An unfair circumstance


----------



## Firemajic (Apr 17, 2015)

Aahhhh .. The agony of unrequited love, doomed before it could bloom... This poem is as soft and lovely as a melancholy sigh..  Thank you inkwellness...  Peace always.. jul


----------



## jenthepen (Apr 17, 2015)

This poem has been carefully constructed with an interesting rhyme scheme and perfect syllable count. The message is clear and consistent and the imagery (of plants and growth) is sustained throughout.

Only one line struck me as a little clunky; the last line of the first stanza - '_that not yet had a chance.' _Maybe, simply changing 'not yet' to 'never' would flow better, without disrupting the structure in any way? Just a suggestion and this poem is neat and well written already, so I only mention it for you to consider.

jen


----------



## Blade (Apr 17, 2015)

:jaded:Very well done, an excellent expression of jaded and frustration. I would agree with jenthepen's suggestion simply on the basis that 'never' sounds smoother than 'not yet' which is clearly more choppy.:cold:


----------



## Nellie (Apr 17, 2015)

Yes, love is "an unfair circumstance" and you expressed it well in this poem. Nice piece.


----------



## Carousel (Apr 18, 2015)

A thoughtful piece, well constructed. Maybe you could find a place for the word ‘branch’ in there somewhere, its within the context and fits with the rhyme; Just a thought.

Regards Cari


----------



## inkwellness (Apr 18, 2015)

Thank you all for such thoughtful comments and critiques. I changed "not yet" to "never" and it works well with the piece. Cari, I really like your suggestion with the word "branch". I'm going to work on adding more stanzas. One will have " branch" as a ryhme. It's a great idea. Thanks.


----------



## escorial (Apr 18, 2015)

i like the mix of nature and love combining in a nice short piece


----------

