# The Bed (possibly R rated)



## VonBradstein (Oct 30, 2017)

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## dannyboy (Oct 31, 2017)

really good work Von, not real crits so instead I'll work through the lines but these are just reactions/thoughts for you to consider rather than real issues - if that makes sense.


[QUOTE
[/FONT][/SIZE]*The Bed*


A tourniquet of satin speaks what her tongue had said - perhaps might have said or never said (she wants to say but cannot bound by the satin/role she must play?)
That she would have worn the short sleeves, 
But she wore the long instead. - no crits these two lines I love - simple, yet packed with so much - deeply revealing (to play on the lines themselves)
Petals of a bouquet tend rapped knuckles as they shed,
Bruises build beneath her dress,  
From the treatment of the bedso these three lines - they work, however, whose knuckles his (okay) hers - but the bruises belong beneath the dress (hidden away) - tend (the bouquet tends the bruises, the knuckles?


A fourposter on claws lends a softness to her head,  - I like the image of the bed its the softness to the head (I think its the Hollywood image -Doris Day sort of image of the star on the bed, hair perfectly set) but strictly speaking it is the bed or the mattress/pillow that lends the softness?
As he swathes her limbs in linen, 
As he whispers how they wed.  - what does this really try and say - shotgun wedding? Forced in someway? Not sure - of all the lines this does the least for me.
Her dull croak wishes blindly his hunger overfed,  - overfed or sated?
Then the battered maid will wash away, 
The clues that stain the bed  - great 2 lines.


The congregation's Spanish but the inquisition's dead,   - made me laugh out loud, clever line
The chastened bridesmaid tiptoes home,
His warning in her head
All present there had wondered what turns lilac dresses red, 
The bride and maid of honor know,
It waits inside the bed - great series of lines to this lovely end line.


Spread as butter between bedposts, bracing for what lies ahead - don;t really like the spread as butter - something cliche about it - or is that just my dirt mind and Last tango?
She unravels like her nightgown must 
To the lumps between her legs - lumps - is there a better word? Probably not but lumps references cancer for me - did you want that?
[FONT=&]She trembles when she hears him say 'forever until death'[/FONT] - great line.
As his pillows smother out the sound
her children hear instead. [/QUOTE] and these two final lines nail it for me.

Well done, a provoking poem as it should be.


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## ned (Oct 31, 2017)

hello - this is a terrific poem - with strong imagery, imaginative turns of phrase, nice assonance and rhyme. 

it took a few reads, but I think I get the final message - (no spoilers!)

for me, those long middle lines seemed a tad too wordy - but maybe we have out of sync syncopation?
a little jigging-
bouquet petals tend rapped knuckles as they shed 
she wishes blindly his hunger overfed
all present had wondered what turns a lilac dress red

'forever 'til death' - sounds more like a vow, maybe.

love this line-
she unravels like her nightgown must - a metaphoric analogy?

cheers...........Ned


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## Kevin (Oct 31, 2017)

Brutal scene. 
Perhaps i missed something or am missing some cultural thing but I wasn't sure why a bridesmaid would remain atfter the wedding. I assumed it was she wearing lilac ( brides wear white?) The brute is described by his actions. Violent, sociopath, threatening, perhaps murderous... Got it.  
"Lumps" at the end, stood out, as not in the flow with the rest. Don't know how I would describe that...lumps sounded off. 
I wondered about her children if this was a wedding (assuming they had not yet been created) Was this a wedding? I thought it was, the vows reference, bridesmade, congregation... This  was somewhere old, backward, where womens' suffering had not yet been replaced by suffrage.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

ned said:


> hello - this is a terrific poem - with strong imagery, imaginative turns of phrase, nice assonance and rhyme.
> 
> it took a few reads, but I think I get the final message - (no spoilers!)
> 
> ...



Thanks Ned, means a lot as always. 

The poem is wordy, I was trying to keep a certain rhythm throughout. I worked on refining it a lot but it was one of those situations where depending on how it was being said affected the wordiness. In the end I went for what fit best in my own spoken voice but it’s something I always struggle with in poetry.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

dannyboy said:


> really good work Von, not real crits so instead I'll work through the lines but these are just reactions/thoughts for you to consider rather than real issues - if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> [QUOTE
> ...


 and these two final lines nail it for me.

Well done, a provoking poem as it should be.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Danny. Great feedback as always.

I wasn’t sold on lumps either, but I was thinking mattresses...

Spread as butter...originally it was “spread eagled” but that seemed cliche as hell and lacked any alliteration  a problem I always have when writing any vaguely sexualized content is almost every metaphor in the world seems to have been done to death. Plus I could get something out of butter. Something very subservient about an ingredient fully dependent on other things to be palatable.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

Kevin said:


> Brutal scene.
> Perhaps i missed something or am missing some cultural thing but I wasn't sure why a bridesmaid would remain atfter the wedding. I assumed it was she wearing lilac ( brides wear white?) The brute is described by his actions. Violent, sociopath, threatening, perhaps murderous... Got it.
> "Lumps" at the end, stood out, as not in the flow with the rest. Don't know how I would describe that...lumps sounded off.
> I wondered about her children if this was a wedding (assuming they had not yet been created) Was this a wedding? I thought it was, the vows reference, bridesmade, congregation... This  was somewhere old, backward, where womens' suffering had not yet been replaced by suffrage.



Thank you.

Yeah the lumps thing is definitely s problem. As mentioned I was thinking of mattresses having lumps. May need to rethink. Definitely had not occurred about cancer. Yikes!

I recognize some confusion may exist as to the bridal motif. To be clear this is based on a real life situation involving a bridesmaid in a troubled relationship whose dress appeared bloodied. The bridesmaid goes home after the wedding to her “bed”, which she is in sexual servitude to. I took some liberties with blurring the lines between a bridesmaid and a bride which may have made of confusing, but I also felt there not to be much real difference between the traditional notion of marriage and elective submission.


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## ned (Oct 31, 2017)

just a thought VB - if the final line is changed to a single child - then the physical condition of the bride/bridesmaid
might be able to be put more naturally.


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

ned said:


> just a thought VB - if the final line is changed to a single child - then the physical condition of the bride/bridesmaid
> might be able to be put more naturally.



Yeah I definitely agree with that. My only concern was fitting a singular into the meter. “Her child hears instead” seemed too short.


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## dannyboy (Oct 31, 2017)

Her daughter hears instead?


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## VonBradstein (Oct 31, 2017)

I like that! Introduces the theme of female subjugation being continued through generations. Not something it had occurred to me to address before. Thanks Danny.


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## Robbie (Nov 1, 2017)

Female subjugation? Tell me more please.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 1, 2017)

Robbie said:


> Female subjugation? Tell me more please.



In a nutshell, the vicious cycle that quite often little girls who grow up witnessing sexual abuse toward (usually) their mother end up experiencing it themselves later on. That things we witness as children can become normalized to us despite us not wanting them to be. Also the larger sociological phenomenon which has persisted in various forms with little improvement for generation after generation despite how enlightened we believe we are.


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## Robbie (Nov 1, 2017)

But we are not enlightened. We never shall be.


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## VonBradstein (Nov 1, 2017)

Robbie said:


> But we are not enlightened. We never shall be.



Amen.


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## Firemajic (Nov 1, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> ***I have been told this poem is a little disturbing due to its references. Nothing overly explicit, in my opinion, but you never know. I briefly considered posting in the Red Light Room due to the theme, but I did not intentionally make this in any way erotic and don't really like to think of it as such - however if it should be moved there I am totally fine with that.***
> 
> ***Brutally honest feedback always appreciated, and I would be happy as always to return the favor (just link the piece)***
> 
> ...




OOOoo this is a dark poem, and your reader SHOULD be disturbed... sickened... horrified... I am in awe of the way you handled the subject matter, innuendo was used with expertise...
 creative imagery set the mood...


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## Nellie (Nov 1, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> OOOoo this is a dark poem, and your reader SHOULD be disturbed... sickened... horrified... I am in awe of the way you handled the subject matter, innuendo was used with expertise...
> creative imagery set the mood...



I am sickened. Set the mood for what?


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## Firemajic (Nov 1, 2017)

Set the mood of horror, abuse, terror.... "what did you think I meant?


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## VonBradstein (Nov 1, 2017)

Nellie said:


> I am sickened. Set the mood for what?



Despite being a white, cis-gender male I write quite often about women rights/LGBT issues - especially violence committed toward these groups. 

I feel that writing about them as a white, cis-gendered male helps to move these issues forward as not simple matters of what are often chided as 'identity politics' as well as give me a focus point to consider and learn about what it means to, say, be a woman suffering emotional and physical abuse. For me the best writing is when one is able to escape their comfort zone and imagine themselves in a completely different life. 

This poem is really an effort at that. I try to be respectful with such things. It's not supposed to be sickening, though I hope that if it was that it was the 'good kind'...


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## SilverMoon (Nov 2, 2017)

Von, so many brilliant components to this poem which I look forward to placing my focus. But first I must share that this is the first poem I’ve read here where a male so compassionately plants himself in the waste of a woman exposed, demeaned and imprisoned to a bed meant for tenderness. A true story, you say? More honor paid your way, speaking up for a woman not all that far away from you, I imagine.

Addendum:Just read this. Guy after my own heart!





> Despite being a white, cis-gender male I write quite often about women rights/LGBT issues - especially violence committed toward these groups.



To your poem. I rolled along with it, keeping my sight solely on the Bride’s Maid, until I read your summation.


> In a nutshell, the vicious cycle that quite often little girls who grow up witnessing sexual abuse toward (usually) their mother end up experiencing it themselves later on. That things we witness as children can become normalized to us despite us not wanting them to be.



Off the horse, I was thrown! I did not come across any reference that abuse was witnessed by children.

Though brilliant in their own right, after reading these last two lines



> As his pillows smother out the sound
> her children hear instead.



I had thought “children” was a metaphor for innocent, virginal parts of self “hearing the smother” on a subliminal level. 

What you have here is a jeweled palace but one that needs to undergo re-construction for more cohesion. Simply my suggestion and would gladly put on my hard hat to assist but for now I am at a loss as where to find a blueprint as it’s late, here.

What I can do is notate points:

A tourniquet of satin speaks what her tongue had said
A striking paradox. What follows is unclear to me.

That she would have worn the short sleeves, 
But she wore the long instead.
Does this infer she’s modest or embarrassed?

Petals of a bouquet tend rapped knuckles as they shed,
Bruises build beneath her dress, 
From the treatment of the bed
I never touch the blaze of language!

A fourposter on claws lends a softness to her head, 
What first came to mind was a “clawfoot bathtub”. There’s some kind of irony at the end?
*As he swathes her limbs in linen,
You stray from“satin” in V1, L1 
*As he whispers how they wed. 

*I very much like this repetition.


Her dull croak wishes blindly his hunger overfed, 
This is a WOW! with so much potential. I go for haunts and think of a helpless frog caught somewhere in the night. Why not go for an internal rhyme employing “throat”. e.g. A dull croak from her throat getting to an even more captive place.

battered maid will wash away, 
Then the clues that stain the bed 
fittingly evokes more servility and shame


The congregation's Spanish but the inquisition's dead,Very clever. I’d replace “Spanish”
The chastened bridesmaid tiptoes home
 Good word. I hear chaste, chase.  Figure of Speech for this to look up 

His warning in her head
All present there had wondered what turns lilac dresses red, This should be mine, damnit!
The bride and maid of honor know,
It waits inside the bed Would this be a threesome? "It" needs some kind of hint.

Spread as like butter between bedposts, bracing for what lies ahead
She unravels like her nightgown must Very vivid and alarmingly intense. A real fav.
To the lumps between her legs lady lumps, slang for breasts. This would be a remarkable feat!
She trembles when she hears him say 'forever until death'

As his pillows smother*s* out the sound
her children hear instead. I do love this! Wound never suggest a change. Just a means for clarity to get here.


Thank you, Von. You've got a grand gift and...heart. Silver


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## VonBradstein (Nov 2, 2017)

Thank you, Moon!

I guess after such thoughtful feedback it would be remiss not to try to answer your questions and points, though they are very good! Here, I'll try...

"A striking paradox. What follows is unclear to me." - It is a paradox, and perhaps a little clumsy. What I meant to say is that the application of a tourniquet (home made) had stopped her brief inclination to speak out. "What her tongue had said" referring to words that are no longer able to be said. It should probably be rephrased as it sounds like she did say something in the past. 

"Does this infer she’s modest or embarrassed?" - Yes.

"What first came to mind was a “clawfoot bathtub”. There’s some kind of irony at the end?"  - I got the idea for this in part from seeing an old medieval style bed in a mansion, which tended to be quite ornate and - yes - this one had it a pair of gilded claws 

"You stray from“satin” in V1, L1" - Yeah, good point. I was thinking linen in the more generic sense, as in bed linens. Maybe it should be satin but I try to avoid repeating words (difficult in this rhyme scheme)

"Why not go for an internal rhyme employing “throat”. e.g. A dull croak from her throat getting to an even more captive place." Very interesting idea. Not sure if it would over-burden the meter?

"Very clever. I’d replace “Spanish”" - Aww, but I was so proud of that! Even though it doesn't really make sense, I guess, maybe? I just wanted to wordplay on the "Spanish Inquisition" motif. Don't ask me why. 
"Would this be a threesome? "It" needs some kind of hint." - Oh my. No, nothing so exotic - though I like your thinking. I was literally just thinking about the secrets kept between friends. As mentioned it's based on something of a true story and in that case the bride and MOH did know about the abuse issue...and kept silent.

"lady lumps, slang for breasts. This would be a remarkable feat!" - Maybe I really ought to revise this since it seems to confuse or put everybody off. The idea was to play on the idea of a penis bulge. The reason for the plural was because I was thinking about how bad mattresses have 'lumps'. Maybe it should be singular "lump between her legs' or maybe it needs scrapped. Thoughts?


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## SilverMoon (Nov 2, 2017)

> She unravels like her nightgown must
> To the lumps between her legs



OK. An idea in keeping with near rhymes. And keeping to fear of being ravaged.



> She unravels like her nightgown *must*
> to the goose* bumps* *ris*_ing_ up her *thighs.*




Second thought re: your "Spanish Inquisition" wordplay...

I could wordplay all day and would not want you to loose this.  Thinking that you might make some kind of prior point/mention to "Spanish" without using the word. Something nuanced so the wit just doesn't come out from the blue. Then, fly with it!

I was kidding about the three-some (I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea!) Sorry....


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## Nellie (Nov 2, 2017)

VonBradstein said:


> Despite being a white, cis-gender male I write quite often about women rights/LGBT issues - especially violence committed toward these groups.
> 
> I feel that writing about them as a white, cis-gendered male helps to move these issues forward as not simple matters of what are often chided as 'identity politics' as well as give me a focus point to consider and learn about what it means to, say, be a woman suffering emotional and physical abuse. For me the best writing is when one is able to escape their comfort zone and imagine themselves in a completely different life.
> 
> This poem is really an effort at that. I try to be respectful with such things. It's not supposed to be sickening, though I hope that if it was that it was the 'good kind'...




Thanks for your explanantion. I was a bit confused because of cis-gender, I'm not sure what that means. I'm not sickened by the poem, just the idea of abuse. The physical pain subsides eventually, but the emotional pain remains. It is sort of like like losing a child, one loses a part of themselves that they will NEVER regain after abuse. 

And "BELIEVE ME", I have been outside my comfort zone many times. My neurologist once asked me if I had ever suffered abuse. Hmmmm......


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## SilverMoon (Nov 2, 2017)

_Double Post_


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## SilverMoon (Nov 2, 2017)

Reiterating  Post 22 - SilverMoon - with additional comments




> "lady lumps, slang for breasts. This would be a remarkable feat!" -
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Here's an idea for keeping in with your "near rhymes". I think fear registering on her body before the ravaging might be effective especially if sexually evoking.


> She unravels like her nightgown *must*
> to the goose* bumps* *ris*_ing_ up her *thighs**.*



_Second thought_ re: your "Spanish Inquisition" wordplay.


> The congregation's Spanish but the inquisition's dead,


.. too good to loose but can be modified to get a fit that's less narrow. Thinking that you might make some kind of prior point/mention to "Spanish" without using the word. Something nuanced so the wit just doesn't come out from the blue. 

or better and easier, yet - find a a similar sounding word  for replacement e.g. (In this instance, capping works for me because it fleshes out pun).


> The Congregation's Vanished Spanish but so the Inquisition's Dead



Hope this helps out a bit, Von.


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## TuesdayEve (Nov 13, 2017)

Confirmed, disturbing... but I felt it happens in life more than we imagine so while it was uncomfortable, it was a dose of reality and a reminder of others in the world may experience.


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