# Just how 'fine' or 'strong' can one girl be?



## Mistique (May 6, 2014)

Today is just... well, it's today... its hard to find a word for it.


Sometimes life knocks you down and somehow you make it out just fine. That happened when my husband said he wanted a divorce. I was so heart broken, but I managed. People said I was doing well, because I was dealing with it and not falling apart.

Sometimes life knocks you down again and somehow your still standing. That happened when I lost my job only a few months later. It stressed me out, but it wasn't half as bad as loosing my marrage, so I was okay. Sort off. People said I was strong, because on top of the divorce (which was still ongoing and getting more harsh every day) I was now dealing with this and I was still seeing the bright side of life.

Sometimes life knocks you down a third time. I guess for no other reason than the fact that it can. That happened when I lost my health. I got MS. About six months after the divorce had started. The divorce was still ongoing and I had no job anymore, but somehow I could still answer the question 'how are you?" with 'Im okay' and actually be okay. People said I inspired them, because I was coping with so much and I didn't cry my eyes out and still managed to get out of bed in the morning and not be hateful at my ex, at life or at God.

Sometimes life even has the nerve to knock you down a forth time. I have no idea why, maybe just for some cruel experiment to see how much you can take. That happened when the ruling from the judge on the allimony case came in. He decided to grant my ex husband a ridiculously high alimony which now effectively means I can pay my bills, but that is all. I have no income left as I give most of it to my exhusband. To that very same guy who wrecked my life to begin with, but who I am now providing for comfortably. People say I'm strong and that I can cope with this. That they envy my optimistic, hopeful, spirit as its what gets me through this.

People say I am strong. Over and over and over again.

They have no clue!


Maybe, just maybe...

if someone is surviving far more than they should... if watching them leaves you standing there with that feeling of wonder at how they do it... maybe they are not surviving at all... maybe they are drowning without you seeing it.

Maybe, just maybe....

If they don't cry, that doesn't mean that there aren't tears... maybe you just don't see them.

Maybe, just maybe...

If they tell you how strong you are all your bloody life then maybe they are also telling you not to be weak and maybe being strong is all you know how to be. Maybe there are people out there who will say 'Im fine' no matter how 'not fine' they might be.

And maybe, just maybe...

I might feel that for just this one moment there is no silver lining. That I have taken all I am willing to take. That Im not okay. That I am not smiling just so others wont feel so bad about me being sad. That I want to scream at God 'You took my marriage, my job, my health and my income, don't you think its enough by now? Or do you have anything else of mine that you want? My life maybe? I still have that, so do you want it?' That I am not strong any more and that for just this once it would be nice if someone would come to me in my darkness and for just this once would pull me in his arms and say 'don't worry, sweety, I will handle this one'. Just so that I could rest for just a little bit, because I am so bloody tired of it all. I'm so fed up with fighting. I'm so fed up with getting up the next day and starting over yet again. And most of all... *I am so fucking tired of being strong!

*If this has you worried about me, don't.

Tomorrow I will be the strong one again.

The one who smiles.

The one who says 'I'm fine'.

The one who will keep saying she is fine until the day she dies.

Even if I sometimes consider ways to make that day come sooner.

But don't worry. I would never do a thing like that. I am entirely too 'fine' for that!


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## escorial (May 6, 2014)

the ones closest to you will hurt you the most..life's tough and when your at your lowest ebb you think you can't get any worse...i said to a nurse once..i keep thinking im at rock bottom and things seem to just get worse..hr replied..maybe you've already been there...stay safe kidda


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## dale (May 6, 2014)

you pay your ex-husband alimony? are men like....born without shame or something over there?


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## Mistique (May 6, 2014)

escorial said:


> the ones closest to you will hurt you the most..life's tough and when your at your lowest ebb you think you can't get any worse...i said to a nurse once..i keep thinking im at rock bottom and things seem to just get worse..hr replied..maybe you've already been there...stay safe kidda



Definately true. My first boyfriend was a violent man and yet he didn't hurt me half as much as this 'loving guy' did. Thanks.


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## Mistique (May 6, 2014)

dale said:


> you pay your ex-husband alimony? are men like....born without shame or something over there?



Yes, I do. We don't even have kids. This is partner alimony. He's a healthy man who prefers to study rather than work (he has a degree for lift truck driving and over ten years experience, but he don't feel like doing that) and because of that I have to pay him. Its not all men around here, just some. Just this one. He's just greedy and has a strong desire for revenge. I wasn't the good little wife that he wanted me to be (he was very controling) and so now he wants to wreck my world and its working.


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## Mistique (May 6, 2014)

You know what the worst part of it is? The truly stupid part?

I shouldn't be ranting about this online. I should be telling this to my boyfriend. The guy who actually does love me. The guy who would actually be able to take me into his arms and say 'Dont worry, sweety, I will handle this one'. He probably would do that if he knew I needed him to, but for some stupid mindblowing reasong I can't grasp I can't do that. For some reason when he looks at me with those beautiful worried eyes and asks me if am sure that I am fine then I can't bring myself to tell him that I am not. In that moment all I want to do is say 'fine' and smile in a way that will make him believe me, just so that those eyes will stop looking at me like that. Weird, huh!


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## dale (May 6, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Yes, I do. We don't even have kids. This is partner alimony. He's a healthy man who prefers to study rather than work (he has a degree for lift truck driving and over ten years experience, but he don't feel like doing that) and because of that I have to pay him. Its not all men around here, just some. Just this one. He's just greedy and has a strong desire for revenge. I wasn't the good little wife that he wanted to be (he was very controling) and so now he wants to wreck my world and its working.



i'm not sure if any other states in the US still have alimony laws. i know indiana doesn't. that's insane. how can an adult be forced to
pay the another unrelated adult's expenses and living. there may have been reason for it back before women had careers. but it's insane
now for either sex, but ESPECIALLY for a man. i'd move across the border, flip him the bird, and tell him to get paid, if i were you.


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## Mistique (May 6, 2014)

dale said:


> i'm not sure if any other states in the US still have alimony laws. i know indiana doesn't. that's insane. how can an adult be forced to
> pay the another unrelated adult's expenses and living. there may have been reason for it back before women had careers. but it's insane
> now for either sex, but ESPECIALLY for a man. i'd move across the border, flip him the bird, and tell him to get paid, if i were you.



Yes, those days when woman didn't have careers is what this law is based on. It was to protect the woman. It never got changed however. It was never meant for someone like him, but he uses it just the same. The law states that when you marry someone you take on the responsiblity to take care of them and that one stands even after divorce. You have to pay one year for every year you were married, but if you were married for longer than five years (and for me it was nine) then you have to pay for twelve years. You get less time for murder in my country. Far less. Not that I am considering murder. Im not the type. I can't even kill the bloody spiders that crawl into my home and creap me out 

I can't move as I'm dependent on the health system here and the care from my family.

I am just going to pay my bills, pay my ex husband and then remind myself as often as I can that happyness does not depend on money and hopefully that will be enough to eventually get over this.


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## Gyarachu (May 7, 2014)

Mistique, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. Prayers for you.


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## Mistique (May 7, 2014)

Gyarachu said:


> Mistique, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. Prayers for you.



Thank you


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## Gargh (May 7, 2014)

It's so easy to love the wrong people... so glad for you you've got a supportive partner this time round. You're right when you say you should be talking to him, but there's no harm in filtering it through a few people first. It can be damaging to continually be 'fine' though. It will distance you from people who might welcome a bit of interdependency and can also give them tacit permission to always transfer their troubles onto you too, because you are 'strong' and can take it. If you ask for help when you need it that should lessen. I don't mean to sound quite so preachy, I just don't think people are designed to deal with things alone (I am my own worst enemy in this too!), and suffer more when we try to.


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## Kevin (May 7, 2014)

I've come up with a solution: Cooking. Now I know it might seem a little simplistic, or conservative/traditional; (i.e. women in the kitchen, barefoot etc.)  but I think that upon further reflection you might find it a new, dynamic solution. It solves at least two problems. One, the question of _what's for dinner?, _and two: _how do I dispose of this deadbeat ex of mine? 
_


> I wasn't the good little wife that he wanted


 Now you finally can be

First thing is you need to buy a large (really big) cooking pot... you know, like a stew-pot with a lid (think big, like 50 gallon...) and second, a large meat cleaver or possibly a chainsaw. It might seem a little drastic, those items a little expensive, but I think if you look at it over the long term, the money saved in alimony, legal fees, etc., plus, you could always re-use  them. There must be other 'candidates' you could think of? A mother-in-law, sibling you never got along with; a former co-worker?


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## Mistique (May 7, 2014)

Gargh said:


> It's so easy to love the wrong people... so glad for you you've got a supportive partner this time round. You're right when you say you should be talking to him, but there's no harm in filtering it through a few people first. It can be damaging to continually be 'fine' though. It will distance you from people who might welcome a bit of interdependency and can also give them tacit permission to always transfer their troubles onto you too, because you are 'strong' and can take it. If you ask for help when you need it that should lessen. I don't mean to sound quite so preachy, I just don't think people are designed to deal with things alone (I am my own worst enemy in this too!), and suffer more when we try to.



I know your right. I am the first to say that people should share with those close to then and I am also the last to do it. People do transfer their problems onto me and most of the time I don't mind. I know how damaging it can be to be 'fine' all the time. I've burned out before. In a way its a side effect of my old job. As a child protection social worker I knew that most close to me couldn't handle listening to the kind of things that happened at work. That were on my mind. The human mind simply isn't meant to deal with the kind of abuse that leads to child death cases. So I choose not to tell them, be 'fine' and have sleepless nights insteads. Its a hard habit to break.


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## dale (May 7, 2014)

less than 12 years for murder. jesus. what a great country. no wonder americans act so stupid. they know they
can get away with it. over there, a person could kill a whole bunch of idiots in a lifetime and still have a fair amount of free time.
here? you're pretty much 1 and done, as far as murder goes.


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## escorial (May 7, 2014)

were all wired different Mistique...if you implode than i hope you  come out of it safe and well but a different person.


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## dither (May 7, 2014)

I'm lost for words,

oh Misti,

wishing you well, and much happiness.


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## Mistique (May 7, 2014)

dale said:


> less than 12 years for murder. jesus. what a great country. no wonder americans act so stupid. they know they
> can get away with it. over there, a person could kill a whole bunch of idiots in a lifetime and still have a fair amount of free time.
> here? you're pretty much 1 and done, as far as murder goes.



I looked it up. I was off by two years. On average punishment for manslaughter here is 10 years and murder 14. That is an average however, but there are cases in which they only get four or five years (depending on the circiumstances). The dad in one of my cases only got a year and a half for attempt of manslaughter against his one year old child. The child did actually die, but he wasn't convicted of murder, because the death of his child could not directly be related to his actions. He had actually abused his child to the point that he was in a coma, but whilst he was in a coma he got a virus that killed him so his cause of death was not directly related to the actions of the dad. Yeah, punishments in my country are to low at times. Rape only gets you between one to four years (40% actually only get a year). Armed robbery less than a year. Sexual abuse of a child about 530 days.


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## Mistique (May 7, 2014)

escorial said:


> were all wired different Mistique...if you implode than i hope you  come out of it safe and well but a different person.



I don't implode anymore these days. I did that when I was younger. These days I rant for a while and then refocus on the stuff that makes me happy and try to just let go.

- - - Updated - - -



dither said:


> I'm lost for words,
> 
> oh Misti,
> 
> wishing you well, and much happiness.



Thank you, that's kind of you to say.


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## Mistique (May 7, 2014)

Kevin said:


> I've come up with a solution: Cooking. Now I know it might seem a little simplistic, or conservative/traditional; (i.e. women in the kitchen, barefoot etc.)  but I think that upon further reflection you might find it a new, dynamic solution. It solves at least two problems. One, the question of _what's for dinner?, _and two: _how do I dispose of this deadbeat ex of mine?
> _ Now you finally can be
> 
> First thing is you need to buy a large (really big) cooking pot... you know, like a stew-pot with a lid (think big, like 50 gallon...) and second, a large meat cleaver or possibly a chainsaw. It might seem a little drastic, those items a little those expensive, but I think if you look at it over the long term, the money saved in alimony, legal fees, etc., plus, you could always re-use  them. There must be other 'candidates' you could think of? A mother-in-law, sibling you never got along with; a former co-worker?



That made me laugh  but my cooking skills are dreadfull.

My ex husband didn't mean a traditional sort of 'good little wife'. He was the one who cooked and cleaned. He prefered for me to work as I made more money than he did. No, he meant do as he say when he said it and preferably without anybody else noticing. So he would tell me what to eat (he would get moody if he went off for a weekend and found out I hadn't eaten the stuff he had bought for me to eat). when to sleep (he would get moody if I stayed up late) and break up with some of my friends if he didn't like them. Hell, he even made romance about control. He would want to open all doors for me and help me out of the car and if I got it in my head to do those things myself he would get very moody. His friends thought I was a spoiled little princes as to them it seemed like I refused to get out without him opening the door and they never realised he wouldn't allow me to do that. People thought he was the perfect husband; he cooked, he cleaned, he opened doors for me and if I complained about how moody he could get they wouldn't believe me.

In the early years none of this was a problem as I let him open doors and do the things he liked to do, but in the later years I stopped being 'good'. I opened my own doors, got driving lessons so I could actually drive a car myself, decide myself when to eat or sleep and who to be friends with. Worst of all I started to write and take it seriously. He hated my writing. He would then get angry a lot and frustrated and sometimes he would say 'you don't need me anymore' and I would try to get him to understand that that wasn't a bad thing. That I didn't 'need' him, but I loved him just the same. He never got that. He thought that without 'needing' him I would leave. And then ofcourse he left. Go figure, huh.


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## Pandora (May 8, 2014)

This is too much for one person to bear. Too too much. I'm sorry Mistique. 

Being the one taking all this your conscience is clean. You are not the one to ever be the abuser, the taker, you can add a great sense of pride to your strength, resolve and insight. As much as we all take we receive, that is the human condition, to survive. Their is a balance, that is, bearing all builds us. That has to be enough on our journey. The finished product will amaze. 

Your words remind me how we do not share. We are doing fine when inside we are not "I'm not doing fine" echoes in our minds that are drowning, while the niceties come out of our mouths, out in our deeds. There is someone who knows though. A friend inside of us all there to listen. Someone we can trust. Someone who already owns the Big Picture, the puzzle pieces placed just right. As hard as life gets, trust in that.

Your new love, bless his heart, lean on it full weight, it was a gift given to see you through today.


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## Gumby (May 8, 2014)

My heart breaks for you, Mystique. I understand completely what you mean, as I tend to do the same thing and say I'm fine when I'm not. What your ex is doing to you is simply wrong and I can't respect a man who would put that kind of a burden on you. He needs to grow a pair and stand on his own two feet.


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## bazz cargo (May 8, 2014)

My deepest sympathy. 

What about becoming a politician and getting the law changed? I bet you are not the only one stunned by the insanity of it all.


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## Mistique (May 8, 2014)

Pandora said:


> This is too much for one person to bear. Too too much. I'm sorry Mistique.
> 
> Being the one taking all this your conscience is clean. You are not the one to ever be the abuser, the taker, you can add a great sense of pride to your strength, resolve and insight. As much as we all take we receive, that is the human condition, to survive. Their is a balance, that is, bearing all builds us. That has to be enough on our journey. The finished product will amaze.
> 
> ...



You talk just like my boyfriend does. How the right thing happen at the right time. The way that he came into my life and I into his. Our relationship started before I got sick and I'm happy about that. He fell in love with the healthy me and the accepted the MS when it came into our lives. Those are the things im going to try and focus on. The good - the live - and not the bad.


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## Mistique (May 8, 2014)

Gumby said:


> My heart breaks for you, Mystique. I understand completely what you mean, as I tend to do the same thing and say I'm fine when I'm not. What your ex is doing to you is simply wrong and I can't respect a man who would put that kind of a burden on you. He needs to grow a pair and stand on his own two feet.



Yeah what he does is legal, but I doubt its the sort of thing that will make a person proud. His own sister send me an email - without my ex husband knowing it as she didn't want to get into a fight with him - saying that she felt the judges ruling was inhumain. I appreciated it.


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## Mistique (May 8, 2014)

bazz cargo said:


> My deepest sympathy.
> 
> What about becoming a politician and getting the law changed? I bet you are not the only one stunned by the insanity of it all.



My dear friend, thank you.

Politics would cost too much energy. I will wait. Live my life focusing on the good and wait. In two years times his school will be done and he has a job waiting for him (his curent internship) in which he will make more money than he does now. I will then take him back to court and ask for a new ruling on the alimony. It will definately be less, but hopefully it will stop.

My mum has decided to help me out in the mean time. She lives with me and pays half the rent. She's told me that she wants to change that arrangement so she will pay more than me. She's an angel


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## Riptide (May 11, 2014)

Ouch, I feel it here. That empathy is killer. I created this poem for someone who was going to commit suicide, at least it seemed like it: Keep at it!
Never let go!  
 Stand tall and face the foe!  
 Unscathed your bow,  
 and let the arrows loose.  
 You'll make it out alive  
 with your enemy no where in sight.  
 Survive this and by God,  
 the night'll shine brighter than the sun


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## Ariel (May 11, 2014)

Misti,

I don't read these "how's your week" threads very often but yours called to me this morning.  I know everything will work out for you in the end and that you will find peace and happiness.

You're in my thoughts.


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## aj47 (May 11, 2014)

Some people are comforted to know others suffer similarly and can at least comprehend.  Others are offended if you express that you might have an inkling of a clue of what it's like.  I don't know you.  I don't know what to say.  

I'm choosing to say nothing publicly because at least it lets you know I read what you wrote.  And I really do not know what to say.


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## Bard_Daniel (May 11, 2014)

I'm REALLY REALLY sorry about your situation. It is, also, not your fault, not fair, and makes, even a person like me, upset. It is not fucking fair.

Just remember, KARMA EXISTS! People reap what they sow. Wait for it, just wait, and, if you care to listen to me, try to be happy. It was for the best, right?

My sympathies, again,

-Daniel


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## Mistique (May 11, 2014)

Riptide said:


> Ouch, I feel it here. That empathy is killer. I created this poem for someone who was going to commit suicide, at least it seemed like it: Keep at it!
> Never let go!
> Stand tall and face the foe!
> Unscathed your bow,
> ...



That is a lovely poem. Thank you. I enjoyed reading it.


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## Mistique (May 11, 2014)

amsawtell said:


> Misti,
> 
> I don't read these "how's your week" threads very often but yours called to me this morning.  I know everything will work out for you in the end and that you will find peace and happiness.
> 
> You're in my thoughts.



Thank you. That is really nice of you to say.


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## Mistique (May 11, 2014)

astroannie said:


> Some people are comforted to know others suffer similarly and can at least comprehend.  Others are offended if you express that you might have an inkling of a clue of what it's like.  I don't know you.  I don't know what to say.
> 
> I'm choosing to say nothing publicly because at least it lets you know I read what you wrote.  And I really do not know what to say.



Im the kind of person who doesn't get offened easily. I would have taken either response as support. Thank you for having felt a desire to offer kind words.


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## Mistique (May 11, 2014)

danielstj said:


> I'm REALLY REALLY sorry about your situation. It is, also, not your fault, not fair, and makes, even a person like me, upset. It is not fucking fair.
> 
> Just remember, KARMA EXISTS! People reap what they sow. Wait for it, just wait, and, if you care to listen to me, try to be happy. It was for the best, right?
> 
> ...



My boyfriend talks of karma all the time. I hope that one day my ex husband will understand what he did. Regardless im trying not to be hateful and just live my life and be happy


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## Mistique (May 11, 2014)

My boyfriend read this first post of mine. I figured it was the easiest way to tell him. He said 'you may think that we dont have a clue, but I know. I see it in your eyes. I'm just waiting for you to be ready tell me." That made me smile  I do love him so.


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## Abby (May 12, 2014)

I feel so bad for you, it's not fair that you've had to endure so much...it's always the bad people who seem to come out on top and the good ones suffer for it. I hope things start looking up for you soon, and I hope your ex gets infected by a flesh eating parasite or contracts leprosy, or something equally horrible...


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## Mistique (May 13, 2014)

Abby said:


> I feel so bad for you, it's not fair that you've had to endure so much...it's always the bad people who seem to come out on top and the good ones suffer for it. I hope things start looking up for you soon, and I hope your ex gets infected by a flesh eating parasite or contracts leprosy, or something equally horrible...



That made me smile, thanks  i prefer for him to win the lotery, get married or get a great job. All good things to wish on someone, but also things that will end the alimony.


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## Guy Faukes (May 16, 2014)

It sounds like you can't really confide in the people you talk to. Hell, after that third blow, I'd look the rubbernecker who told me "you're so strong!" right in the eyes, laugh maniacally and say "well, I'm not. My life is a goddamn mess. What else am I supposed to do besides get through another freakin' day?" 

I'm so sorry to hear that it's MS. During my medical science undergrad and we heard rumors of a possible treatment or another, but were far from being confirmed. What type of MS, if you don't mind me asking?

I second dale's sentiment. He sounded like a dependent who wasn't content with gender role reversal. Hell, I'd throw it in his emasculate face about how much of a b!@#$ he was for how many years of marriage and how much of a b!@#$ he is being now making his ex pay for his crap and petty vengeance.


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## Blade (May 16, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> I second dale's sentiment. He sounded like a dependent who wasn't content with gender role reversal. Hell, I'd throw it in his emasculate face about how much of a b!@#$ he was for how many years of marriage and how much of a b!@#$ he is being now making his ex pay for his crap and petty vengeance.



The fact though is that if he ever tries to initiate a relationship with another woman his resume is less than stellar. It would be a little uncomfortable when it came to financial chat. :stung:


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## Mistique (May 16, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> It sounds like you can't really confide in the people you talk to. Hell, after that third blow, I'd look the rubbernecker who told me "you're so strong!" right in the eyes, laugh maniacally and say "well, I'm not. My life is a goddamn mess. What else am I supposed to do besides get through another freakin' day?"
> 
> I'm so sorry to hear that it's MS. During my medical science undergrad and we heard rumors of a possible treatment or another, but were far from being confirmed. What type of MS, if you don't mind me asking?
> 
> I second dale's sentiment. He sounded like a dependent who wasn't content with gender role reversal. Hell, I'd throw it in his emasculate face about how much of a b!@#$ he was for how many years of marriage and how much of a b!@#$ he is being now making his ex pay for his crap and petty vengeance.



I don't think its about not being able to confide in them. They would love for me to do that. I just don't. Its part of who I am. Growing up I learned to be the strong one; for my brothers (younger) and for my mum. In the circumstances I felt they needed me to be that way - they probably did - and now its become a hard habit to break. Part of my mind thinks that if I fall apart, the word falls apart, and so I think that I cant afford it.

I have RRMS (so remitting relapsing multiple sclerosis). As far as MS goes its not that bad. I've had one flare up, but I do have quite a bit of damage in my brain. The testresults thought from the last MRI showed that there had not been any new damage in the past year, so that is very good. Based on my symptoms (and I have quite a few) the neurologist does think that there is damage in the grey matter of my brain, and that is not so good. He feels that I need to start taking medication (injections) soon to reduce the odds of further damage. I'm thinking of Copaxone, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Well, yes, obviously I'm not exactly smiling about my ex husbands behavior, but I am trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm trying to approach it the mindfulness way, but not very effective at it yet.


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## Mistique (May 16, 2014)

Blade said:


> The fact though is that if he ever tries to initiate a relationship with another woman his resume is less than stellar. It would be a little uncomfortable when it came to financial chat. :stung:



Yes, you are right. He's been on every dating site he can come up with for the past two years and without much succes. Not just financial. He's not physically attractive. He is very dependant on his mum and sister. He's rather rude at times (he doesnt usually mean it, but when he meets someone new they don't know that). He treats a partner as a buddy rather than a woman. I accepted all that, because its in my nature to accept people for who they are and see the good in them even when they have hidden it deep down. I know what he went through and why he acts the way that he does. I had faith in who he could be. Most woman don't try that hard and they are probably right. If a guy acts like a jerk, he is probably a jerk and there is no point in waisting your love on him.


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## dale (May 16, 2014)

Mistique said:


> Yes, you are right. He's been on every dating site he can come up with for the past two years and without much succes. Not just financial. He's not physically attractive. He is very dependant on his mum and sister. He's rather rude at times (he doesnt usually mean it, but when he meets someone new they don't know that). He treats a partner as a buddy rather than a woman.


sounds kind of like a closet-homosexual.


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## Mistique (May 16, 2014)

dale said:


> sounds kind of like a closet-homosexual.



You would think so, but I'm not sure about that one. He is a victim of sexual abuse and the kind who doesnt think he needs therapy for it. I've seen the way that his eyes would sparkle when I teased him or get a little seductive, but if I then told him that he clearly liked it he would deny it and start accusing me of being too 'slutish'.  I was seducing my own husband, I doubt that makes me a slut  Sexual active woman scare him. He prefers to be 'the buddy'. Which is fine, but then you shouldnt get married. I don't think he is gay. I think he's just messed up.


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## Guy Faukes (May 16, 2014)

Blade said:


> The fact though is that if he ever tries to initiate a relationship with another woman his resume is less than stellar. It would be a little uncomfortable when it came to financial chat. :stung:



There are unperceived benefits to ending a relationship amicably. Heck, I use my ex's as references all the time to people I date. "Yes, I am a very patient, very giving lover, just ask these three women I formerly dated... here are their contacts." jk jk

You got a good point. Nothing dries up a woman's interest faster than a poor man's financial prospects 



Mistique said:


> Growing up I learned to be the strong one; for my brothers (younger) and for my mum. In the circumstances I felt they needed me to be that way - they probably did - and now its become a hard habit to break. Part of my mind thinks that if I fall apart, the word falls apart, and so I think that I cant afford it.



That's a pretty good insight about yourself to acknowledge, I must say. There's a treatment called cognitive-behavioural therapy where they confront and question extreme thoughts. What would actually happen if you stopped being strong in front of someone? Would your world actually fall apart if you gave yourself a moment of respite? 

I was crossing my fingers for it to be one of the more benign forms. Gray matter damage is the computing part of your brain; I'm sorry to hear about the damage. Did he say where it was, like specific lobes or junctions? Copaxone is pretty interesting substance since it's an amino acid mixture rather than an active compound. I hope you wellness with the treatment you choose.



Mistique said:


> You would think so, but I'm not sure about that one. He is a victim of sexual abuse and the kind who doesnt think he needs therapy for it. I've seen the way that his eyes would sparkle when I teased him or get a little seductive, but if I then told him that he clearly liked it he would deny it and start accusing me of being too 'slutish'.



Sexual abuse to males is an under-represented problem in society, particularly young males. Still.., it's sad to see a full grown male not confront his difficulties with sexual urges due to the abuse and instead defers shame to his wife.


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## Neptun (May 17, 2014)

I feel your pain. A divorce, a sack letter and bout of illness are 3 fatal blows. It is good to know you are feeling fine. Am in pain too, i just got kicked out of school and i feel lost.


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## Mistique (May 17, 2014)

Guy Faukes said:


> That's a pretty good insight about yourself to acknowledge, I must say. There's a treatment called cognitive-behavioural therapy where they confront and question extreme thoughts. What would actually happen if you stopped being strong in front of someone? Would your world actually fall apart if you gave yourself a moment of respite?



 I know about cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm a psychologist and social worker. What would happen if I stopped being strong? When I was a kid my worst fear would have been that my mum would have died. She was suicidal - attempted twice before I was six years old - and I made it my job to keep her happy so she would want to live. Looking back that is far too high a responsibility to put on anyone let alone a kid, but at the time I believed it. Her telling me that I was her reason for living certainly didn't help. Would my world fall apart? My rational mind tells me that it won't, but my fear is that I would get lost in the emotion and loose my mind. I know this doesn't make much sense, but then again fears usually don't.



Guy Faukes said:


> I was crossing my fingers for it to be one of the more benign forms. Gray matter damage is the computing part of your brain; I'm sorry to hear about the damage. Did he say where it was, like specific lobes or junctions? Copaxone is pretty interesting substance since it's an amino acid mixture rather than an active compound. I hope you wellness with the treatment you choose.



The test that is used to assess damage to grey matter is only available for scientific research, so the neurologist  can only asume there is damage based on my symptoms. The grey matter is the computing part of the brain and that is where my problems are: serious memory problems, concentration problems, using wrong words and faitigue. 




Guy Faukes said:


> Sexual abuse to males is an under-represented problem in society, particularly young males. Still.., it's sad to see a full grown male not confront his difficulties with sexual urges due to the abuse and instead defers shame to his wife.



Yes, it is. I tried to persuade him for years to get help. I've was a victim myself, so its not like I didn't understand, but I got help and he didn't. Im a survivor and he's choosing to stay a victim.


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## Mistique (May 17, 2014)

Neptun said:


> I feel your pain. A divorce, a sack letter and bout of illness are 3 fatal blows. It is good to know you are feeling fine. Am in pain too, i just got kicked out of school and i feel lost.



No they are not fatal. They are just really bad blows. I've been told that you need to be careful with the kind of things you tell yourself. If you call it fatal, you might start to believe it. Or in your case... If you call it 'The saddest point'' then you might start to believe that you cant cope, but if you call it 'a sad point' instead then maybe your already one step closer to coping with it. Does that make sense? For me there is no such thing as a fatal blow, unless you're planning on using a sledgehammer on my brain


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## aj47 (May 17, 2014)

Challenges are often opportunities in disguise.  I hope you can unmask them and move ahead with your life.


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## Mistique (May 17, 2014)

astroannie said:


> Challenges are often opportunities in disguise.  I hope you can unmask them and move ahead with your life.



I intend to try. Thank you


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## Mistique (May 18, 2014)

Just when I think everything is settled, they change again. I've tried to understand my ex's way of thinking and I just cant. We're been in court for about two years. He has won without a doubt judging from the amount of alimony he was awarded. Finaly things have settled down. Not in a very nice way, but still the struggle is over.

Or it was over....

My ex has send me an email saying he wants to change things. He wants to give up his right to the alimony and his right to half my pension on the condition that I take on the full debt we had (37.000 of which 18.500 was already mine). It feels injust as I will be spending the next twenty years paying for a debt I didn't spend a cent on, but without a doubt it would make my life a hell of a lot easier right now (financially). It also means i have to spend the next weeks, maybe months, negociating this new deal with my ex so it will be ready to submit to a judge.

I don't get it...

For a guy who wants nothing to do with me at all - as he keeps telling me - he sure seems to find ways to push himself back into my life over and over again. He did it at Christmas - sending me a overly friendly christmas card - and again at my birthday, 24th of April, and now this. He's got no reason to do this. He has me pinned against the wall - like he wanted from the start - and now he wants to help me? However beggers cant be choosers, so I will do the negociations, have my lawer check out the result and if she gives the green light I will do it. This is stressing me out majorly though. I can handle my ex being mean, but when he gets 'nice' it scares me to bits. I keep waiting for all hell to break out.


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## TaraLin (May 29, 2014)

Wow :/ That's horrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sucks when bad stuff happens, but you keep pushing on because, honestly, what choice do you have? You are an inspiration to deal with this and still come out with a positive attitude.


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## dvspec (Jun 9, 2014)

Your strength becomes you.  Your grace does as well.  I know what you mean when you talk of being strong for everyone else.  My family had some major health issues that included mental health.  I became the alpha.  Even the freaking dogs looked to me for guidance.  My brother was useless and most of the time people didn't even know my parents had two kids.  They never saw him.   



> What else am I supposed to do besides get through another freakin' day?"



That is so true.  Surviving to the next day is the only option. 

Several people have mentioned Karma.  I would point out cycles.  Everything cycles.  You are at a low point now, which means you have one hell of a high point coming up.  Keep your face and eyes turned up, because that is where you are heading. 

I lost a career I loved, suffered betrayal from people I trusted, dealt with the family health issues, spent two years unemployed or under employed, lost one parent and then the other.  I dealt with most of it on my own.  I don't have and have seldom had the support of a partner in this mess I call my life, but last year, I started channeling what I call "the New Age Hippy Chick."  I began meditating and started focusing on less.  The worry went away.  I knew things would be okay.  I had enough.  I am no where near well off, but I have enough.  I knew there was a purpose.  I _knew it_.  

The first day I decided to meditate at dawn, the Universe rewarded me.  I sat on the front porch of my apartment house.  A storm was blowing in from the west, the sun rising in the east.  It started to rain and lighting to the south.  A rainbow formed in the middle of the rain and lighting and then the church bells started to the north.  I found out what the word AWSOME really meant that day.  It was absolutely amazing.     

I wish you luck and peace.


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## Mistique (Jun 9, 2014)

TaraLin said:


> Wow :/ That's horrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sucks when bad stuff happens, but you keep pushing on because, honestly, what choice do you have? You are an inspiration to deal with this and still come out with a positive attitude.



Thank you. Its very kind of you to say that. It made me smile


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## Mistique (Jun 9, 2014)

dvspec said:


> Your strength becomes you.  Your grace does as well.  I know what you mean when you talk of being strong for everyone else.  My family had some major health issues that included mental health.  I became the alpha.  Even the freaking dogs looked to me for guidance.  My brother was useless and most of the time people didn't even know my parents had two kids.  They never saw him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I love what you wrote here. It's beautiful  You sound like an optimistic person as well who manages to appreciate the beauty in life. It's certainly a quality that helps you get through another day a lot easier. Surviving the next day is not the only option, but for me - and from what I gather you too - its the only option worth considering.


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