# February 2014 - LM - Ten Minutes - Scores



## Fin

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Ten Minutes


Thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, lasm, Folcro, Leyline and Pluralized for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**Pluralized**lasm**Leyline**Average**Ghosts of the Maze*141716.51515.62*Potty*511121310.25*Rockoo315*1713131414.25*”A Tale from the Rosewood” by Terry D*121916.51716.12*”I’m Not Human” by Staff Deployment*161713.51615.62*Stephpend*111615.51815.12*InkwellMachine*1319171816.75*thepancreas11*141818.51917.37*M. Cull*1315161715.25*Midnightpoet*121515.51815.12*”Ten Minutes” by bazz cargo*1113141613.5*Dictarium*141717.51616.12*Pidgeon84*1013131613*”The Question” by Gavrushka*131414.51814.87*J Anfinson*1515172016.75*TheWriteStuff*1215171715.25*godofwine*1217151815.5*”Ten Minutes” by pigletinportugal*151616.51615.87*ppsage*91817.52016.12

In first place, congratulations to *thepancreas11* with his entry *The Last Human.*
And in second/third place, we have a tie between *J Anfinson* and *InkwellMachine* with their entries *Something Natural* and *Devil’s Maw*




Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

*Ten Minutes Late
Ghosts of the Maze

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14*

"Week old" should have a hyphen, if I read that part right, which if I did, it took me several attempts. Such oversights are so easy to ignore by the writer, yet can be so hard not to by the reader.

When I first glanced at this entry, my initial reaction was "oh great... talking heads." But I could see very early on that you have a talent for dialogue. You pace it well, and it comes off sounding alarmingly human. The balance between description and dialogue blends the scene well with the words they are saying. It also works to establish a very strong and appropriate atmosphere--- for which I have a weakness both as a reader and a writer.

*Lonnie took a swig and exhaled:* No "and." It cuts the voice and mars the atmosphere: making flowery what is otherwise an appropriately gruff and awkward tone. Just a comma would have been better.

*Michigan week: *What I Gather online, not everybody seems to want to capitalize "week," so I won't fault you for it. I still think it should be.

We do have some heavier problems...

You leave it to me to work out what the relationships between these people are--- I liked that. But you left me little to work with, and I read this story several times in _completely _different ways.

First, I thought Lonnie was a woman, and that "rubbing scruff off _his_ face" meant Phillip's. Okay, fine--- they're lovers. But wait... Lonnie's a man. Well, Phillip seems to be divorced from "Connie" so I guess that makes sense. She's dropping off their little boy Jessie to spend time with Phillip. But wait... Jessie's in college... and far from the area. Wait, Connie's Married to Lonnie? Whoa...

And it only makes things worse when, especially toward the end, it becomes a game of talking heads, and I easily lose track of who is talking. I'm just grateful you didn't decide to name Phillip "Ronnie."

There was a moment I thought I had it down. I thought this was a man lamenting on the fruits of his hard labor with his wife to a beautiful home they intended to share, and the symbolism between that and the son they worked so hard to raise. I'm going to be honest with you--- I was prepared, at that moment, to give you a very high score.

But then I read on. Read again. The end result is not by any means terrible, but not amounting to the potential you clearly have.


*Ten Minutes
Potty
Grammar: 5
Voice: 0
Effect: 0
Total: 5*

I have not seen an entry in all my judging with such consistently immaculate grammar. Very well done.


*Untitled (How about The Ten Minute Man?)
Rockoo315*
 Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

*"Wonderfully smelling": *Cute, but the sentence would have sounded so much better without this. His pairing "smog" with beautiful scenery sets his attitude just fine. Reminds me of Orwell's opening to 1984--- "A bright, cold day." Also, desaturating the sarcasm will make the last sentence of this paragraph more effective. Otherwise, this opening paragraph was brilliantly written.

*The golf club was put down on the ground with a great big sigh being unleashed from my lungs: *I hated this sentence as much as I loved your opening paragraph. That's a lot of hate.

I was with your description of Sheryl up until the reference to "How I met Your Mother."

Your revelation of the prompt in your story: priceless. That whole paragraph, in fact--- not always my preferred choice of literature, but very well presented.

You used "quick" twice in the same sentence--- do that again and I'll make Sheryl's judgment look like a thermometer reading.

*"Well, the PCP the disgruntled employee put in the cheese...":* Even for a comedy, this exposition is phoned-in.

The closing paragraph as well--- very phoned-in. However, you put yourself in a convenient position: you don't need a brilliant closing. Instead of using several hundred words afforded you to lean against a hit-or-miss punch line (like the jokes on How I Met Your Mother), you intelligently construct a story that is fun to read throughout. For this, you will be rewarded.

A few last-second thoughts on how you might make your writing more efficient:

*Ditching school to smoke pot:* Ditching school for pot.

*...a big sigh being released from my lungs: *...a big sigh from my lungs.

*It was a simple reaction, but was indicative...: *It was a simple reaction, but indicative...


*A Tale from the Rosewood
Anonymous Entry
Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 12*

Are you a poet? The title alone gave it away. And so does the writing... not that I mean that as a bad thing... infidel.

*She had to take a look at his chart to remember his name: *Way too many words here. "She looked at his chart" would not have been a word under what you needed.

*...the color of weak tea: *What exactly are you describing here--- the _pale blue_ irises of the vein-streaked _whites_? Because it seems to me you already described the color of both.

*Leprechaunian impishness:* Why the repetitive redundancy?

*"Yes, mam.":* Ma'am (short for "madam").

*Fragile, talon-like hand: *"Talon-like" because of arthritis, or because she's grappling aggressively? Because talons aren't usually associated with fragility.

*Bamboo backscratcher: *This, however, is a very good description. I remember my grandmother kept a host of these around. The association clicked immediately.

Honestly, I'm not sure if the parameters of this contest can truly accommodate the transition of a tired Nurse Ratchet to Florence Nightingale. From silent insults to hand on the cheek and angelic kiss on the head? Even if I did buy it, the emotions just aren't there.

I'm also not sure if I get the ending: are these people incoherent because of their age? Is this supposed to be sad, or funny?

You overwrite a bit but your voice begins to show. Just cut the wordiness out and remember that the key to cleverness is not trying to be.


*I'm not Human
Anonymous 
Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16*

*Jennifer Donalds opened up a dirty novel and masturbated herself to sleep: *Well... can't nobody accuse you of not knowing how to set the tone.

*The fight lasted forty minutes:* 99% of writers will do this and I'll flag them for copping out, word-limit or not. But you really pulled it off. It fits the tone you so effectively set in so short a time--- five sentences--- so far, a most impressive start.

*Jenny absent-mindedly flicked the remote...: *We're now returning to the present after a brief backtrack, but it took me a little longer--- this is why backtracks are dangerous. During the "argument", it would have been better to make a more consistent use of the word "had". You started with it--- I caught it clinging by an apostrophe to "she"--- but should have continued with it, regardless of the brevity of that moment.

*She fed and clothed and bathed and fucked him: *As we all saw this coming, you delivered it perfectly.

Alright, so--- the first half: loved it. The second half: not so much. Everything you did so well at the onset seemed to slide away to the chaos of the second. Interesting, to be sure, and clearly executed to your intentions. Not my cup of tea. And a might wordy here and there.

Now the very _very_ ending, however--- you know what I mean--- brought me right back to the brilliance of the start.


*The Call
Stephpend

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 11*

The first paragraph had many words to say so little:

"Dad..." It pained her to continue, but without this favor, her children would be homeless.

Did you need much more than that?

*She and her father had a strained relationship:* Why say this? You're already showing it in the sentences that follow. Did you think I wouldn't be able to understand these sentences without an explanation?

*But it wasn't the same as a relationship with a nurturer: *Another unneeded sentence, but I can see why you feel you needed it--- you're trying to balance what he did right against what he did not. Here's a little secret: getting rid of the word "always" in the previous sentence will accomplish that.

*She could ask her mother for help but she knew she did not have anything to spare: *Holy pervasive pronouns, Batman! This sentence should be shortened--- "and her mother had nothing to spare."--- and made its own paragraph.

*She was over that cold, but didn't want her father to know she was crying: *Come on, really?

*There were no school pictures that year: *This is good. I'm starting to relate here. And Mariam's "cringing" was a nice touch.

*She took a deep breath. This was her opening: *Should be a new paragraph.

*I was thinking;: *Misuse of semicolon.

One major problem with the story was Mariam's father: he was very contrived. Mariam worries about school pictures and right away, he mentions them. She's worried about asking and he gives her a high-horse speech about how hard he knows it was to ask... after making her wait before he answered. It made him seem more like a plot device than a man. After everything, that was my biggest concern with this piece. The focus was on Mariam's fear, which was wasted because we all knew he wasn't going to tell her no. The focus should have been on him and her. There wasn't enough "him," and to be honest, the only thing Mariam seemed to care about--- in this scene--- was the money, not their relationship.

It had potential--- poignant setups always do. But the focus and direction were off.  


*Devil's Maw
InkwellMachine
Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13*

InkwellMachine--- son of Papa, Writer of Many Things...

I'm not sure I was entirely with this one. You seem to have left your Dwemer-constructs for a "Sleepy Hollow" set. While the result was interesting, I think I would have preferred your classic wonder and skillful dialogue.

*I guess this fellow was caught doing things with his horse: *You should have stopped the sentence there.

*But the tribunal didn't see things that way: *Well... I could see Vivec maybe not _condoning _the act, but Almalexia and Sotha Sil are very unlikely to care.

*gene pool:* What time period is this, again?

*Listening to some little girl scream and cry as her mother was taken from her: *Tee-hee

God should be capitalized, as you use it as a name instead of a title or generic noun.

A last minute note on words I feel you could have done without...

*Some people were convinced...*

*Personally, I didn't feed into that.*

*...and not all of them worth believing. *(But what makes a story _worth_ believing? This strikes me as the kind of man who would say "Believ_able_" instead of "worth believing.")


*The Last Human
thepancreas11
Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 14*

I read this story thinking it should have been a pancreatic transplant for some strange reason...

I have to say, the driving force at the story's opening was rather beautiful--- to be motivated by a motherly love so strong as to exist before her actual motherhood. Makes me think of Elton John's "Blessed."

*The same disease that put me here makes it hard for my blood to clot:* This exposition broke the mood a bit--- as exposition so often does.

*It's not like he developed eczema overnight. Those are tears he's wiping away: *If I can't persuade you to strike both these sentences, _please_ get rid of the second.

*She and mom start talking about the weather, like I'm not lying here...: *Where to begin... why is her mother talking about the weather? To get her mind off of things? Even if I did buy that, isn't this what the girl wants? You made it clear that she was getting tired of the attention and premature mourning.

*I wonder if gladiators staring down their enemies.: *...felt this way? Soiled themselves? Danced the can-can?

I had some trouble deciding what to make of this... the attitude seemed to bounce around as I suppose they can when one is facing death. Still, she seemed so believably resolved at the onset and then changed her mind when I was rooting for her that it seemed less believable when the shift occurred... Sort of felt like watching Manning at the super bowl. Perhaps you should have ended with the fighting for her future children--- that this could be the revelation she came to after watching the ups and downs of her own mother?

If there was ever a time I came close to forgiving the literary blasphemy that is present tense narration, it's here. Something about it strikes me as (almost) appropriate to capture the experience of a young woman facing  death, her fate all but out of her hands.


*The End
M. Cull
Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13*

I don't have very much to say about this--- which many would see as a good thing, and in your case it is in part. Your writing is disciplined, solid, and bares potential for powerful effect.

Unfortunately, you chose a popular subject matter, even for this contest--- somebody important dying in a hospital.

The theme seemed especially slapped on at the end, but if I faulted everyone for that, my scores would be a lot lower than they already are.

Also, present tense always kills it for me, though I don't think my preferred form would have changed my overall opinion much... just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

*I smile despite myself, despite my agony: *This would have been more effective had you simply said "I smile." The rest goes without saying.

All in all, there really wasn't a lot you did wrong. It was just okay for me.


*Ten Minutes
Midnightpoet

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 12*

Turned off at first, I actually like how casually you blend the vampires into your opening description like it's just another aspect of a normal day. Though it could be interpreted that "vampire" is just a gang. An interesting effect.

*Protruded from the bony jaw: *Well I suppose it would be bony... it's a skull.

*He didn't know if he had the courage...: *Same person?

*Deadly embrace:* Unless there is something deadly about the embrace itself, cut this. We already know that the situation is deadly. Emphasizing only dulls it, makes it sound like a dateline special.

I'm also wondering how this holds to the prompt--- oh yeah... "Ten minutes to kill time." Found it.

My biggest problem with this piece isn't actually Liam O'Flatery's ever-borrowed ending, radioed in like an artillery strike, but the name of your protagonist. Shamu's a whale. I would have had an easier time picturing "The Beast" with such a name.

Solid prose and grammar, as usual, if I recall correctly.


*Ten Minutes
Anonymous
Grammar: 5
Voice:4
Effect: 2
Total: 11*

Interesting--- not demanding full use of the allowed word count yet not resorting to a ten word knock-knock joke. Somebody knew exactly what they wanted to say.

However, I think this would have had more of an _a_ffect had you described the _e_ffect, which you had plenty of room to do. For example--- his frustration trying to enjoy his favorite models, trying to salvage his favorite pictures, eventually deciding to take the salvageable parts from different pictures and make a whole new woman. What you have seems more to be the pitch of a story rather than a story.

But as is the case with most especially short works, your grammar held up, and you were able to establish a somewhat recognizable voice to boot.


*I Honestly Can't Think of a Title that Doesn't Sound Overly Pretentious
Dictarium
Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 4
Total: 14*

Then you could have tried "Ten Minutes." Everyone else is doing it.

I must also say that I do have a soft spot for those who feel they don't have to use _every_ word allowed--- it gives me a sense that they know what they want to say, and have probably said it well.

And the voice was very distinct.

But your sentences are often far longer than they need to be.

I caught my mind once close a sentence for you, thinking it was done--- it was a good sentence, and you had said enough. But it was not done, Dictarium. It kept going... and going. Make it stop.

*The car was going, going... Gone:* This line fit so well into the voice and style of the narrative that I forgot for a moment that it was a cliche--- which is the ultimate way to apply a cliche; and the cause by which I realized you deserved a full score for "voice." Well done there.

Another problem I had is...

what the hell is going on? Is he preparing to burglarize a family of five who live in the middle of the Yukon? And why is he going through with this if he clearly doesn't want to? Who is this guy? What is this guy? Is my own stupidity to blame? It often is. I just had a little trouble clinging to this one.


*Oslo
Pidgeon84

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 10*

While I was a little jarred by the expository dialogue with which you begin, the first identifiable sin here is the close proximity of the words "expansive" and "expanse." If done on purpose, then perhaps it resonated better in your mind than I guarantee you it will in the mind of your average reader.

*Around the boys laid a beautiful land open space...*

*Certainly set the mood... *Best let your readers be the judge of that.

Again, "beautiful" twice in close proximity, reemphasizing the second with "gorgeous" is not helping you. Perhaps the land was "capacious and green," the building "majestic in its condescending height."

*They reveled in their as it warmed their faces.*

*...by the smell of campfire: *"Fire" would have been more effective here.

*Erik said defending him: *Is that what Erik was doing? I would have never guessed.

*4 years junior to the other two:* For this story, as it stands, this detail is unnecessary. That there is a difference in age is all we need, and already addressed in Erik's saying "only 15." (Numbers under 100 should also be spelled out, especially in dialogue).

I have to say, I was a bit relieved to discover that your "religious" disclaimer was unwarranted. There was no religious subject matter to speak of: debates on doctrine, opinions. Just a church--- whose religious affiliation (though I would probably assume Catholic) or why the kids hate it is never mentioned--- burning. I'd say Inkwell's story was more religious than this.

As far as effect is concerned, your problem is ironically similar: I have no idea why these guys hate this church. I find it difficult to identify with their passion, what horrors of hate they'd experienced that Thomas had not.


*The Question
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13*

*...tranquility a moment ago:* Tranquil.

*A thrashing animal:* I'm having trouble with this metaphor. A heartbeat, powerful or not, is constant and orderly. Compare it to the ferocity of an animal is one thing, but to go so far as to liken it to "testing" the cage doesn't work for me at all.

*"You are too young, and the price too high": *"Too young" speaks for itself, but if you wanted to say "the price is so high for one so young," that would sound better coming from an omniscient being.

As this seems to be a somewhat light-hearted piece on souls consumed by tantacled maws at the behest of Hell, I won't nitpick on the non sequitur that is the existence of this thing and those who seek it out. (If you had tried for seriousness here, which I at first thought you were, the results would have been far less pleasing. But you did a good job making me think it was building up to be serious).

A fun little story, and I like the way you described her, I believed that she was ethereal.  Only a few typos and bouts of overwriting served to dampen the enjoyment.


*Something Natural
J Anfinson
Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 15*

*...any day of the week: *The well-written sentence that preceded this cliche would have sounded so much better without, well, this cliche.

*I don't think she needed to know: *I don't think you needed that sentence.

That about covers my grievances as far as specifics go.

I admire your style--- you're not compelled to jam as many words and description into a sentence as you can. This shows confidence in yourself, and your reader will pick up on it, just as easily as they pick up on insecurity. It also establishes a relatable voice for your character. I was with him the whole way--- it felt more like a guy at a bar telling me this than someone trying to win a writing contest.

While the subject matter has obviously  been done to death, you handle it well, and not just through the voice of your character. I liked how he handles things.



*Trading Disruptions
TheWriteStuff
Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 12*

*Peterson & Meir Capital:* The less unneeded information in a 500 word story about the stock market, the better.

*Promising to call them back in a ten minutes:* Is he Italian? (I know, I'm sorry--- I couldn't help myself)

A lot sure can happen in ten minutes...

Plot aside, you're a very good writer. Your sentences drag on here and there, but as is the case with overacting, it is often a sign of potential. In your case, I would say the sign is accurate. But I don't think flowery writing has a strong place on Wall Street. But again, you know how to make a sentence flow.


*No Justice
Godofwine
Grammar:4
Voice:3
Effect:5
Total:12*


*...As if it made a difference to the prisoner: *We're with you when you label the concept "a wonder." This part isn't needed. Breaks the flow.

Paragraph two--- very well written. Gruff and gritty words like "butt" and "gray stone walls" are aptly employed--- but they would have looked better in shorter sentences, which also serve to establish grittiness, and avoiding longer, medical words like "hyperventilating."

*The nickname given to the electric chair: *Don't let your fear of the reader's ignorance turn your story into a dictionary. You're doing fine. Things like this will hold you back.

*Refusing to apologize for the spanking she'd unjustly doled out:* We know what she's doing, we saw what she just did. This line only dampens the effect of what I thought was a powerful, even morbidly comedic moment.

*People who looked like him--- people with brown skin:* We got it already, don't hammer it in.

*Bawling maniacally:* I would choose a more solemn description of a woman about to lose her husband.

This was well-written, though at times too wordy, especially as this is from the perspective of a man whose education is presumably sub-optimal. Sometimes the sentences are far too long.

As history rolls along, we forget the various manners in which justice is twisted--- race, religion, money--- but the theme of justice's abomination is one that will not soon die. I think shying from the emphasis on the injustice would have made the reader seek it more, bolstering the effect.


*Ten Minutes
Anonymous
Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 15*

*I emphasized her hesitation on the word "er" with a note of sarcasm: *Yeah... I figured.

*The venomous tone of my voice spoken through gritted teeth surprised me as I never swore: *If all this sentence read was "I never swore," it would have said just as much.

*Cradling the phone like a comforter: *Cradling is fine without the simile.

*Vulnerable child: *"Child" is also fine on its own.

*Allowed the tears to flow unchecked:* Redundancy.

I have to say, I don't think I've seen a writer put "he never regained consciousness" to good news (except of course by a villain, which, hm...). A lot of thought, perhaps real-life experience, goes into such a thing, and I was impressed by it.

The story could have benefited by a little less focus on Madam's hollering at the operator (just a little less) and a little more (again, just a little) on why she wants to see her father so badly. Perhaps describe how she had rehearsed all she wanted to say, letting the words fly over and over before her, blotching every other thought.

But again, to find good news in such tragic news, very intriguing, not to mention the psychological implications.

*Ten Minutes on the Weyline with Shiela
Ppsage
Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 9

*

Sorry, I didn't get it.

Usually, when I see a random French-derived or otherwise exotic word in a story, I'll try to sound it out, trusting that the writer felt it was the best word for the moment, even if I end up disagreeing later. Here, I did that the first time... and the second. When I realized this was to be the trend and I had more or less "gotten the point", I found myself skipping over the rest of them. It was tiring.

Such bombast words as "exclaimed" when all you needed was "said" broke the somewhat interesting if packed content. I understand there was probably a comedic tone intended, which also did not work for me.

Some of the wording is impressive, but the way it falls in place, it looks like a sculptor who is very good at noses putting a whole bunch of noses on the statue of David. The noses look good, but there are too many of them. It doesn't even look like a face anymore, and really isn't as funny as odd.

Any one of these scenes could have been fleshed out to have made a much better story.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

*Ghosts of the Maze
 “Ten Minutes Late”*
*Score: 17*

The first entry! Brave soul. I have to say, I learned a lot from reading this story. I had to read over the first few paragraphs a few times to lock everything in, but once I established the who’s who, you didn’t waver and my trust in your narrative paid off. It’s a really solid picture of how people can screw up their relationships and lives and realize too late that they’ve let the most beautiful moments in their lives go by. I think lots of people can relate to Lonnie.

Could almost see Lonnie stroking back his mullet, not making eye contact. Not sure why. Really solid characters you’ve done here, and the dialogue does a strong job of painting this bleak situation, and you did a great job setting the scene without a ton of blatant exposition. It’s a solid piece. Might’ve wished for just a little bit more pinch there at the end, like maybe some sort of dramatic revelation, but I likes my soup thick.

There weren’t many nits. Nice job with the editing. In the first sentence, “when’d” jarred me, but I don’t really know whether it’s legitimate or not. In the third sentence, week old needs to be hyphenated, ‘week-old’ or so I believe. I’m also of the opinion you might want more speech tags, just to keep things clear. However, like I said before it wasn’t too hard once I figured out who the four characters were. Phillip is spelled with two Ls except for one time, which I noticed. While we’re at it, all four characters’ names were double consonant in the middle, which made it a little bit tougher to figure out who was whom. Hooom!

Nice job, and solid waft of the prompt. You didn’t whack me in the face with it, and that gets you some bonus time in the gravy tank.


*Potty 
“Ten Minutes”*
*Score: 11*

Not sure if we should expect one of these each cycle but – it’s growing on me! Like a bumpy rash of some kind, but growing on me just the same. I have to hand it to you, it’s a pretty damn clever use of the prompt. Still, I think a fugu story needs to have more fugu and more wordses.


*rockoo315*
*Score: 13*

Two words: Blow Up Doll.

Just kidding! That’s a terrible idea. So, we start with this dude whacking golf balls out into the city from a twelve-story building. He’s obviously reckless and just don’t give a – wait a minute, he’s calling the drug dealer “stud,” and comes off somewhat naïve with the “He seems nice enough” and “production” issues in the boudoir. The last thing that guy needs is porn or bar talk or especially romance novels. Actually that last one might just do the trick. Ha!

I have to give you a point for the most innovative and ballsy use of the prompt. I thought the interaction with the drug dealer was unbelievable, and the whole situation with “Senor Spacklepants” somewhat far-fetched.

Now, onto some writing stuff:

There are a few instances of where sentence structure feels weak. For instance, “…great big sigh being unleashed from my lungs” just doesn’t get to the point quickly enough and sounds weak. He sighed heavily, threw down the golf club, and hung his head. In more direct language, I think you get more direct action. Just my opinion; some will invariably disagree.

Neil Patrik… >>>> Patrick

jewellery  >>>> jewelry

Punctuation – “How I Met Your Mother”. – Keep the period within the quotation marks. That’s pretty standard everywhere except inches.

I thought “underperforming production” in the bedroom betrayed what you were going for just a bit. Maybe “underwhelming performance” or something a bit more palatable. 

PCP in the cheese makes a return. Excellent, if a bit inexplicable. That’s one heck of a polite drug dealer.

I enjoyed the jovial voice and the playful narrative. Nothing better than working on your sex-stamina by calling your dealer and absorbing that undivided attention he apparently saves for you. Forgive the nit-picks and stuff, and thanks for entering!


*Anonymous 
“A Tale from the Rosewood”*
*Score: 19*

A grandfather after m’own heart. Lecherous old sucker! Couldn’t believe it when she whacked him in the crotch! Just plain entertaining.

Seriously – this story was exceptionally well-written and funny. “A leprechaunian impishness?” That’s a pretty thoughtful word choice. This story is constructed with care and skill. Nicely done. I couldn’t really find much to ding you for, aside from “mam” instead of “ma’am” which, who knows, could be a colloquial spelling or something I’m ignorant of. Also, toward the end where the wedding picture was next to the bamboo back-scratcher weapon thing, I thought the word “there” could’ve been cut. That’s it! Great job on this one. The ending “WHAP!” got you an extra point.


*Anonymous 
“I’m Not Human”*
*Score: 17*

Wowsers. There’s some excellent movement to this thing. You did a really good job with the edginess and her bad-ass attitude. Wasn’t sure about how she took the blood-covered superhuman guy home and ‘fed and clothed and bathed and fucked him.’ Although, she’s probably pretty slutty, the order of services might warrant another gander.

The story really accelerates after that, and the second half moves real quick to a sort of befuddling conclusion. Is there some kind of pop-culture reference here about his being misunderstood? Feel like I’m circling around an understanding, but unfortunately, the ending deflated the balloon instead of popping it like I wanted. 

I think this story has as much or more pacing and flow and ease of reading as just about anything could. 

It’s pretty clean, overall, other than a few questionable word choices and phrasings “herculean superhuman” and “evaporated bodies” being the most egregious. Nice consistent voice, which made for a pleasant read. Thank you for writing such an entertaining story!


*stephpend 
“The Call” *
*Score: 16*

You write well, and this was a pretty clean and entertaining story. I bet most of us can remember such a time in our lives when we borrowed cash from someone close to us in desperation. I know I’ve been there.

There’s a pervasive preciousness about the story that I both respect and find annoying. It’s honest, and clean, but for some reason, I want the narrative to try harder. Stand out more. Take some chances! After all, you can’t expand your empire without slaughtering a few thousand mongols. Or something more historically accurate and compelling. Point is, you can do whatever you want in this competition and many of the high-scoring stories have done just that (and, hey – winning the thing is only a part of it – it’s great practice and a wonderful way to elicit feedback, which we all love and enjoy. I just sense an undercurrent of reservation in this piece that needs to be peeled back. Get in her head and be somewhat petty with it, piss on dad’s leg, as it were).

Technically, excellent work and an obvious understanding of the mechanics of the language. I liked how smooth it read, and the ending has a satisfying resolution. A few sentences could be tightened (slightly) but it’s pretty good writing, in my opinion.

Thanks! I’m happy to see a new member enter this competition, and I hope you see my commentary here as less a complaining session about not having a story written to my taste, and more a challenge to bring the flavor next month and kick us in the nuts with your imagination. (and/or non-nuts, sorry all)


*InkwellMachine
“Devil’s Maw”*
*Score: 19*

Professor – I have to tell you, you just never disappoint. I’m so thrilled with this well idea, and you’ve even sprinkled in some horse-lovin’ which was horribly excellent. The part about the condemned people falling for so long that they starved to death – that’s one of the most brilliant concepts I’ve read in any story. Genius.

The religious bits, the devil, and his teeth crunching them, I could’ve done without all that, but it’s not my story. Felt like M. Night Shyamalan for most of it, maybe The Village or something. Your writing flowed so well, so clean and crisp and smart, and the last line just almost made it perfect for me. Still, that said – it’s really good, really creepy, and I enjoyed the story immensely. Thank you!


*thepancreas11
“The Last Human”*
*Score: 18*

Clean writing, and nice hospital-bed story. I really like the sort of upbeat tone of the dying youth, which makes for a tasty juxtaposition. Stylish ending, and just poignant enough without dripping all over my shoes. Dig it. Glad you entered and I appreciate the chance to read your stuff.

Couldn’t find too many nits to pick, which is discomforting for me. It’s a safety-blanky for me. Needs m’nits.

Oh, here’s a minor one – *“It makes me wonder what’s worse, dying, or watching someone you love die.” *I think a colon would be properly used after worse. Wow, that’s pretty minor, you’re right.

*“I wonder if gladiators staring down their enemies.”* – Something’s amiss here with the gerund. Say it in Arnold’s voice – it’s fun like that.

Nice work overall.


*M. Cull 
“The End”*
*Score: 15*

The first-person, present tense hospital theme continues with this story,  and this was pretty sad. I like to read a sad ending as much as the next troglodyte, but it was more like ‘ugh.’ Not enough of a poignant back-look at their relationship, and I think a lot of that’s due to having so much clutter in the narrative.

Sounds harsh to say “clutter,” but I think it’s important to point out. The paragraph beginning with “She’s never insisted on that,…” is a good example. There are sentences like “In fact, she’s always open to let me see things my own way as long as I felt like it” which I feel could be tightened up substantially or even deleted. Consider the meaning your reader extracts from that sentence, and it’s rather unclear. 

Moving to another sentence in that paragraph, “It’s never been easy to admit that, of course, but she doesn’t insist on that either” – I think this is another sentence that serves to clutter up the prose, and the words could be put to better use giving us a stronger reason to care about their relationship and who they are as characters. That’s where the story really exists, if you’re using her imminent death as the source of tension and drama. Hope this makes sense – kind of revelatory for me too, and I don’t profess to be much better at avoiding the rambles.

“I see.” I say,…. Punctuation is important within your dialogue so it doesn’t jar. “I see,” I say, … In fact, the speech tag might be dropped from this altogether.
“I see.” My throat seizes.

Just suggestions.

“She got sick all the sudden” – all of a sudden? How long is that, exactly? Kind of feels clichéd, like steeling himself.

Overall, not bad, but I think you’re at a slight disadvantage having put your story up right behind another one with similar narrative mode and setting, but without many of the funky rambles. Hard to read this kind of criticism – I hate to write it, but it’s the kind of stuff I would be remiss not to point out.


*Midnightpoet 
“Ten Minutes”*
*Score: 15*

Hey, this is pretty gritty. Clean writing, and for the most part, fluid enough to keep me reading through without stumbling. Enjoyed it.

Thought Shamu was pretty incompetent, getting the hammer on his pistol caught at such a late moment when Beast Daddy was bringing the knife action. Their struggle, particularly with Shamu’s knife wounds, comes off a little unbelievable. Even Jack Reacher couldn’t pulled that one off without a bit more effort.

The name Shamu was an interesting choice. I guess if my drug-dealer pops named me Shamu, I’d probably have to kill him. Couldn’t make too much sense out of the vampires and solids at the beginning. And how old is “the most dangerous man on the street?” who only does one drug deal a day, and doesn’t carry a gun? But I’m just picking on the story, really it wasn’t half-bad. POV wanders a little bit with the sweat pouring down his back, might suggest getting the camera back on Shamu before telling that bit.

I liked the way he swayed as he walked like “he was on the deck of a ship.” Great simile. Some really pleasant word choices. Thanks for entering.


*Anonymous 
“Ten Minutes”*
*Score: 13*

Not sure how best to attack this piece, as it’s used so little of the word count, it’s sort of like you just gave up halfway through. The ending doesn’t really feel like an ending so much as a middle. Wanted to know what the boss’s reaction would be and I think there’s a real opportunity for drama and tension surrounding that element.

Who has pornographic magazines at their desk? I mean more than one!?

There’s some stuff to like – great voice. Very much liked the way you’ve bled some cynicism into this (“cretin,” etc.), and I enjoyed the jovial nature of the prank, too. Wish this had been longer – I’d have liked to see where you went with it. Hope you’ll enter again.

Thanks for entering.


*Dictarium 
“I Honestly Can’t Think of a Title that Doesn’t Sound Overly Pretentious” *
*Score: 17*

Here’s a title for you: “Rain Man Just Can’t Bring Himself Not To Maybe Do It”

I kid, of course. I think there’s something really smart about this piece, and your style is quite unlike anything else. For what it’s worth, you have some consistency in that regard, and though I know you’ve been kicked in the groin for it in past competitions, I can see it tightening up and making for more of a quirky, off-path tone. Which I like a lot. Can’t really place my emotions about his neurotic nature, but I think what you’re going for works pretty well here. I really like how he keeps squeezing the gun. That’s smart.

Didn’t get the “obscured eyebrows” bit. Stumbled over “deluminated.” I don’t think that’s actually a word, is it?

According to most of the monks I associate with, one can never be “overly conscious” of the breath. That, and your spelling of “duffle” where I wanted “duffel” (I think either is actually correct, but the latter is the only way I’ve ever seen it written in Field & Stream, my go-to reference for duffel bag research), were the only issues I really had with the writing. I’ll probably ruminate on the repetition a bit more, as it seemed mildly overwrought, but you set out to write it that way and I’m prepared to give you due credit for that. Nice job. Voice is all you, man.

Thanks for entering.


*Pidgeon84
“Oslo”*
*Score: 13*

A rather exciting use of ten minutes, I’d guess, burning down a church. The resentment and rebellion is done well, and I thought it came across fairly authentic with the names Erik and Kristian. Nice job there. Some of the mannerisms and dialogue didn’t feel Norse, but who knows what the translation would really look like. But it really didn’t affect my enjoyment of the story.

A few punctuation issues surrounding the dialogue. You’ve got a few places where the speech ends in a full stop with a period, then a speech tag assigned to it. A comma would be correct in these situations. You know, like “We have ten minutes to watch before somebody shows up,” whispered Kristian, even though no one was around for miles. – The word ‘whispered’ isn’t capitalized, and you can see how the dialogue works better. Other places where this happened need a look.

I enjoyed the setting and the tone, however, and felt like the story so badly wanted to get out. The ending just needed something. Couldn’t figure out what. Maybe there needs to be some kind of consequence floated out there to raise the stakes, maybe one of the three kids is planning to rat the other two out, or some other element of drama. As it stands, it’s just three kids burning down a church. Just to be assholes, I guess. A single sentence, placed strategically somewhere in the narrative, could have elevated one of these three characters and put some focus on their intentions. The omniscient POV and heavily-detached narrative doesn’t come through with quite enough spice. It was a pleasant read though, and I am glad you entered. Hope you’ll do so again, as I like your imagination and think the ideas can make for some great reading.


*Anonymous
 “The Question”*
*Score: 14*

Whoa – this was gnarly. I liked the violent end you brought the guy, though I wished she’d gone somewhere other than hell. Maybe Toledo or something, I guess.

Cool details, and some fun word choices. A bit purple in places  -- ‘…flames, consuming all they reflected…’ – that sort of thing. I wanted something other than “Foolish mortal” like maybe “Foolish boy” or something that would pull her in closer to the reader. “Foolish mortal” makes it sound kind of mechanical and stereotypical to my ear.

I like this story because it has that feel of being written quick, and the ending just came out of your mind and you wrote it and that’s that. I have enjoyed doing that at times too, but I think you could’ve benefitted from a little bit of extra time spent editing and thinking about the overall picture of what we’re seeing here. The choice thing makes for intrigue, but then it’s not realized and he’s just swallowed up. Missed opportunity for some really interesting stuff, in my opinion. Could’ve had him realize some of the power, do some power-hungry stuff, ruin his life many different ways, and still get eaten. As it stands, the string is too short for me.

Not so bad, on the technical side. Fairly consistent voice, if maybe a little too bland. Wanted you to take more chances. Missed punctuation here and there, not too bad overall. Thanks for entering.


*J Anfinson 
“Something Natural”*
*Score: 15*

Channeling “The Sixth Sense” here. I really liked what you did with the visuals of the dead guy hanging there; very effective description there. Didn’t find some of the dialogue natural or believable. “Yes Ma’am. Jim Stephens. I understand you have a problem?” It’s hard to imagine a ghost-eradicator guy bringing the plumber game to the table. There’s no reason he can’t open right up with “Show me where.” Make him a little more enigmatic and maybe a little less small-town drug store guy. Could really turn up the fun factor with your theme, I guess is what I’m saying. Make it slightly more intriguing. When he gets ready to go down the hall the old lady says, “It’s the door at the end. If you hurry, you might get there just in time to see what I’m talking about.” That’s a long sentence and it deflates and betrays the tension, for my addled brain anyway. Wanted something more abrupt, urgent. Realistic. Like she’d probably be rather impatient, having called a specialist. He heads down the hall with “Thank you. Have a seat if you’d like. I shouldn’t be in there long.” It reads like he’s going to inspect her furnace. Maybe I’m getting too bananas here, but I feel the potential.

Some technical stuff to bring up: First, why are you capitalizing “ma’am?” I don’t know if that’s necessarily wrong, but I wouldn’t capitalize “sir,” so I’m calling you out on it.

There’s a sentence right toward the end that starts “Your welcome.” Take a hard look at that one, and I’ll just move on.

The old man looks at him, then the blood flows from his “eye sockets” which then “looks like tears.” I get the visual that his eyes are gone, and blood gushes out like a garden hose or something. The flowing, the dripping, the eyes looking at him, then sockets, it’s all too incongruous.

I like the premise, but didn’t feel like the action was believable. You’re letting the situation off the hook too easily.  But it’s a cool take on the prompt.

Thanks for entering.


*TheWriteStuff
 “Trading Disruptions”*
*Score: 15*

Cool idea for a story – the stress and pace of the stock traders is a very inventive take on this prompt. Well done. You’ve only used 458 words, but you have actually managed to get a decent story built with those words. There are some issues with the writing, like spelling Peterson/Petersen two different ways, not capitalizing the start of dialogue, and a sentence in there somewhere that said “call back in a ten minutes…” which reminds me of my brother, Luigi, with the moustache.

For a story geared toward people who know something about the stock market, this is really good, and has some good insider information that makes sense. For the rest of us, it’s just a bit jargon-heavy. I liked how you framed it though and the ending actually was fairly revelatory and satisfying. You left out a couple hundred words though, which might’ve helped you build the characters a little stronger. It reads kind of like a report or something, to me.

I’d be interested to hear whether you have actual knowledge of the financial industry, or just wrote this and did some research or what. Pretty good, either way!

Thanks for entering.


*ppsage 
“Ten Minutes on the Weyline with Sheila: Tangl3, a Synoptic Tale”*
*Score: 18*

The Trader gets even better, and still leaves me with stuff to ponder on. So glad to read this, and the scripture reference which, had you written in as a foreword, somehow could’ve come through as your voice as well (NKJV, http://biblia.com/bible/nkjv/Lk1.1-4 ). Damn, what’s that saying!

So I think the most redeeming quality of these ongoing works, to me, is how you can send Joe and whatever form Sheila wants to take off into the different worlds and scenes. This time to the desert, where the tone takes to the French, and Mlle Sheila takes on de Scudery. A wee bit of reading up on de Scudery tells me she was an amazing person, lived to be ninety-three, had an amazingly well-rounded education (despite not being royalty nor particularly wealthy), and never married. What a perfectly obscure choice! I commend you on this delicious and brilliant decision. Looking at the few portraits available online, she looks like a tough lady who probably brooked little bullshit. I’m off to a fantasy world, one where you’re surrounded by portraits of obscure historical figures, and your revenge for their dirty, judgmental looks is to write them into Joe’s slime-fest.  

Trying to figure out what a bymytheum is proved futile. I like the source of the supraluminal energy being obscure though.

Some awesome lines in this thing, particularly describing the rocks in the desert. I can’t say I caught every ball you threw out there, probably more than half got away, but it’s a lot of fun reading these entries. For the most part, I am really impressed with your word geometry. Nothing wasted, and little fluff. Lots of density, though dialed slightly back from Fat Joke, where I first encountered this Joe series of yours. “Celebrate myself a successful cruise…” I don’t know why, but that piece of dialogue stuck in my head and I’ve thought about the construction of that sentence more than I probably care to admit.

Found only one little, insignificant nit: it’s vs its. That’s all I have. The Weyline thing will take some more thinking, and I’m kind of hoping you’ll establish at least some kind of legend or key for us regarding some of these concepts. Maybe I should know what a Weyline is, or at least be a better pretender…guessing it’s some kind of quick-transport thing taking them to various locales in a hurry and in the most outlandish way possible?

Good show, made smoke come out of my ears and other orifices like usual. Always happy to read your entries, and thanks for taking part.


*godofwine 
“No Justice”*
*Score: 17*

Cool period story about racism and the struggle of a black man in the south. Really thought your “Ol’ Sparky” story was pretty good, well-rounded, and you have built quite an arc. Nice work. I think of all the stories I’ve read here, yours has the most prominent opening and ending, which both serve to make the story feel like it had that arc going on.

I question whether he’d have done much farming in those days in Texas, particularly given the Dust Bowl. The electric chair and references to “Ol’ Sparky” are accurate for the period, which shows research on your part. Nice job.

There are a number of grammatical issues that stuck out, like “stared out through the steel bars remembered his trial” which doesn’t parse, and a place where you should’ve used “whom.” Pretty sure nobody worries about that, but “as if it were her who they had scheduled to die the following day…” In fact, maybe the word who/whom could be deleted altogether in this instance.

Couple of other places that seemed weird, like “To remember him as he was and she nodded,” – seems like something’s missing there. Also when “a guard appeared beyond the cell in front of where he sat…” it comes off like he’s sitting behind a cell and not in the cell. Y’dig?

Overall – nice work and a story I enjoyed reading. Could’ve been the highlight of this thing if you’d brought us into the dying man’s head and delivered some emotional stakes to feel and experience. Still, good ending and a strong contender.

Thanks for entering.


*Anonymous 
 “Ten Minutes”*
*Score: 16*

Good story! Pretty gut-wrenching at the end there. Nice work.

Wish I’d known a tiny bit more about the issues making it so dire to get there and apologize, and accordingly, a bit more about her as a character. Part of that’s probably because she’s “Sis” and “Madam” throughout, and we like to put names to people so we can start building the stick-figure and adding parts on as you give them to us. A story like this, I guess the predicament and tragedy of missing dad’s death becomes the focal point, but perhaps you could elicit a wee bit more sympathy from the reader if you put a face on this poor lady.

Don’t know why, but I had to focus really hard on a couple of the middle paragraphs. Particularly the long one with “brick-by-brick of pride.” I kept trying to skim, and went back to make sure I understood everything and read the whole thing. Maybe it’s because yours was the last of nineteen entries, or maybe that paragraph is longish and doesn’t move the narrative along quickly enough. It’ll be interesting to see what others think. Anyhow, not bad at all, and the effective thing is how tough it’s got to be to miss your dad’s passing like that, particularly with unfinished baggage in the relationship. Makes one ruminate.

So, technically, not too bad. Missed a period on the end of a sentence, and the three “fuckings” in one short period of time was too much for even my barroom-fatigued ears. Other than that, I couldn’t find much. Maybe there’s also a comma missing from a section of dialogue, but I’m unable to find it now.

Good work, and thanks for entering. Enjoyed your story.
[/spoiler2]


----------



## Fin

[spoiler2=lasm’s scores]

* Ten Minutes Late,  by Ghosts of the Maze *


SPaG: 4.5 
For the most part your grammar is fine, just a couple nits to pick: 
_He saw _ *he’d seen* _ him walking up the street a few minutes ago_  -- this would be an instance when the pluperfect would work better 
_he heard him mutter ‘Fucking Connie’ _ 
use double quotes, as in the rest 

Tone & Voice: 4 
This is mostly dialogue, and you do well with differentiating the two voices: Lonnie’s selfishness conveyed by his frequent usage of  _I,_  Phillip’s more self-effacing attitude conveyed by the lack of  _I._  It’s hard when you’re treating a fairly quiet scene, but I think Phillip could use a little more energy. 

I’ve having trouble deciding whether this story is omniscient or whether you’ve got a POV problem, but I think it’s the latter. An omniscient narrator can tell us what’s going on in both Lonnie’s and Phillip’s heads, but my understanding is that the voice should remain consistent regardless of whose thoughts are rendered. I would say that you switch voice when you’re describing Lonnie’s thoughts about the house, and therefore you’ve got a little head hop here. 

Effect: 8 
I liked this low-key, passive aggressive scene, with the ex-husband and the new husband both trying to be polite. You did a good job showing Lonnie’s unreliability without stating it. I wished Phillip had a little more personality, though. Seems a little smug right now. And I guess I wish there were more conflict, more energy.  

I was a little surprised that Connie and Phillip would have beer in the house if they knew Lonnie was coming over, seeing as he’s going to “meetings”.  

Total: 16.5 


 *Ten Minutes*  by Potty     

SpAG: 5 
The grammar’s fine; I’d normally have a period after “Dr” and no comma after “So” but I think these are optional.     

Tone & Voice: 3 
The language is very plain, almost generic.  

Effect: 4 
I admire micro-stories when they’re successful, but it’s very rare (in my opinion) that they are. I guess the question is, what are the most important elements of a story? What does it  _have_  to have? And I’m sure there’s a number of ways to answer that, but you’re stuck with me, so... I say a story has to have at least one of the following: an event, a conflict or question, or a character. If those are half-assed, you can still make me somewhat happy with very interesting, evocative language (see, I’m easy to please; some people would demand all of those things together). How do you convey a character, an event, a conflict, an emotion, even a joke, in only twenty or so words? Well, that’s the challenge.  

But this, sorry to say, falls short for me. It’s between one event and another. There’s no conflict or question, no insight into a character. No emotion, no real humor. I think you need to imagine the scene and characters more fully, and really work with the few words you’ve got to get something interesting across here. 

Total: 12 


 *[untitled]*  by rockoo315 

SpAG: 3 
Several small mistakes: 
_- tomorrow, would be my _ *anniversary to* _ a woman _ *I'm not sure I loved* _. And the fact I referred to Sheryl as a “woman” in my thoughts _ *doesn't * _support the case of love. _ 
a)  _the anniversary of my marriage to_ , not  _anniversary to_ 
b) not sure why you chose present tense here when everything else is in past. I considered the possibility that the narrator might not have questioned his love at the time but does at the time of telling--which is what the present tense here implies--but the rest of the story seems to indicate that these should be in past tense-- _I wasn’t sure I loved, didn’t support_ . 
_- the worst part was laying on top of her_ 
should be lying:  _to lay_  must have an object (e.g.  _I lay my cards out_ ). If it’s the subject who’s horizontal and there’s no object, use  _to lie. _ 
_- judgement_ 
judgment 
_- his run in with a _ *tampered * _cheese product    _ 
tampered-with, though “tainted” or “spiked” might be better terms 
_- The show must go on!!!” _ 
One exclamation point is enough. 
_- How are you doing,” I asked. _ /  _how can I help you kind sir,” _ 
need question marks 

Tone & Voice: 4 
While you do get across something of the narrator’s pathetic character through his words, there are some rather awkward sentences in here. For example: 
_- The golf club _ *was put down * _on the ground with a great big sigh _ *being unleashed * _from my lungs. _ 
why the passive voice? This would be stronger as an active constructon: “I dropped the golf club and unleashed a great big sigh”. Also, when you say “on the ground”--do you mean the ground 54 floors below? Or on the roof? 
_- Sheryl was an attractive woman and often _ *made me overlook * _the constant nagging and criticisms _ *from her* _._ 
I think you mean, the narrator overlooks the nagging because of Sheryl’s attractive appearance. So  _her appearance_  (not her) makes him overlook  _her_  constant nagging etc. (rather than the “nagging and criticisms from her”). 

Effect: 6 
I liked the beginning scene of this: a guy hitting golfballs off the roof of a tall building, sort of a yuppie nihilist character, seemed fun. But I wasn’t much absorbed by his actual “dilemma,” which is not really complex at all: his wife is hot but he doesn’t like her; also he’s lame in bed. Regarding the “Crazy/hot” scale: while I can guess what that is, I don’t watch that show. I think it’s best to avoid these kinds of pop references because a) your reader may not share your knowledge, so it’s distracting, and b) it just strikes me as lazy, like you’re not thinking for yourself. 

My biggest gripe, though, is that your story doesn’t have an ending. You introduce the conflict and then don’t resolve it. I actually thought maybe you’d gotten cut off, but no. “I was upset about my marriage, then I got stoned” is just not quite enough story for me. 

Total: 13 


 *A Tale from the Rosewood* , Anonymous Entry 

SPaG: 4.5 
Some punctuation troubles: 
_A flash of realization came to her; His wife should be here. _ 
should be colon or period, not semi-colon.          
_His eyes widened and a chill hand came up to grasp her wrist,_ _“Just ten minutes!” _ 
period, not comma         
_Grace’s voice was a shrill snarl, “That’s what you always say_ 
period or colon after snarl 

Tone & Voice: 4 
I’m torn about the overly flowery prose style in the early paragraphs. For that to work, and be funny rather than dreary, the reader needs to know that she is reading a joke. So I think you need to work in some little signpost early on, an obvious wink to the reader. 

The way you refer to characters could be more consistent. In the first paragraph you said “Eleanor” and then “the nurse” and there was no real indication that these two terms mean the same person. The old man is “Mr. Culverton” and then just “Culverton” and his wife is first “Mrs. Culverton” and then “Grace”. The name of Grace’s ward also changes from Daisy to Gardenia.     

Effect: 8 
This is an odd one, feels more like a joke than a story. Which raises the question, what’s the difference between a story and joke? Outside the scope of this critique, I guess, but something to think about, maybe. Without going off and reading a ton of philosophy or literary criticism on jokes (though I kind of want to) the main reason for this joke effect is the repetition of “ten minutes” with everything building toward the punchline. So as a joke, it works quite well. You do a good job ratcheting up the tension with the increased urgency of the old man’s voice and the nurse’s conviction that he’s about to die.  

But the punchline should be the end of the joke, I think. Anything after is anticlimactic; so I’d cut the “whap” line. 

Overall, pretty good.         

Total: 16.5                      



 *I'm Not Human, * Anonymous Entry 

SPaG: 5 
Didn’t see any problems. 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
The voice suits the story for the most part, very flat and plain; though you break from this occasionally to bad effect, with lines like “Ward drowned them in their own blood”, a worn-out figure of speech that left me briefly confused as to whether you meant this literally and how he might have done that if so. A few over-explanatory lines: “Her tone wasn’t friendly.” “She fell.” “The city was destroyed completely.” 

Effect: 4 
The masturbation line is pretty gratuitous--no plot importance, not very interesting character-wise. Does it get attention? Sure. But then you immediately squander that attention by jumping back to Jenny’s fight with her boyfriend and her playing with the remote (though her muting the wall was the best part of this). Why didn’t you have her masturbate with the remote? That would’ve been perfect: funny and strange, connected to the breakup, her boredom and loneliness, her desire to control something. But as is, you just leave the line suspended, and as a result it seems like a pointless, juvenile attempt to shock us with something that is, after all, normal behavior. 

My overall impression of this piece is that it lacks logical progression. Why did Jenny fight with Hugh? Why did she take Ward home? Why did she write about him and what did she write? Why would anyone care that she’s got some muscly guy in her apartment? Why did the cops come? Why did Ward destroy the city? I really have no idea. There’s so little causality here; things just happen. Is it supposed to be a joke, a pastiche of something? If so, I don’t get it. 

The one reference to the theme feels tacked on.  

Sorry. I admit I’m probably the least ideal reader for this that you could imagine. 

Total: 13.5 

 


 *The Call, * by stephpend 

SPaG: 4.5 
Just a couple small issues, mostly punctuation: 
_- She was always able to _ *make due;* _ selling items here and there_ 
_make do, _ not  _make due_ ; semi-colon should be a colon or comma 
_She forced a laugh_ *,* _ “Oh they’re good. _ 
That’s a separate sentence, not a dialogue tag, so you should have a period, not a comma. 
_I need to ask you something._ 
Missing final quotation mark 

Tone & Voice: 3.5 
I didn’t find the voice very distinctive or compelling. One style suggestion I’d make, which might help: look at how many sentences begin with  _she._  Try to vary this more, especially when it’s 2-3 sentences in a row; that starts to feel repetitive. It also distances us from Mariam’s POV, since we’re always seeing her from outside, as does the brief and summary way you discuss her childhood relations with her father, although the indirect discourse in sentence fragments shows an attempt at a deeper POV. I’d suggest trying to relate that information through her thoughts somehow--maybe she could think about childhood phone conversations with her father, how she never felt like she knew him, things like that. 

Effect: 7.5 
This was a decent story about a realistic and difficult situation. As I noted above, I think it would work better in a deeper POV--less of the narrator describing Mariam’s actions, more of her impressions and thoughts. The biggest problem I had was the summarized background information, particularly the line about how “She and her father had a strained relationship”--because everything you tell us about their relationship makes him sound like a perfectly decent guy. Throughout the conversation, too, there’s no sign of actual strain between them. He’s pleasant, interested in his grandkids; no hint of distance. So her doubt that he would give her the money, her emotional agony, all that seemed rather overblown, and the intended suspense was not there. 

But a good effort, good use of the prompt, and I think with some revision you could make this into a nice character piece. 

Total: 15.5 


* Devil's Maw,  by InkwellMachine *

SpAG: 5 
Only one little error: the dreaded lay/lie confusion.  _To lay_  must have an object (I lay me down, I lay my cards out). If it’s the subject who’s getting horizontal, use  _to lie. _ So “I remember lying awake”, not “laying”. 

Tone & Voice: 5 
Good character voice, combining a certain folksy Western-style grit with a more medieval setting. Sorta  _Deadwood_ -esque in a way. 

Effect: 7 
I enjoyed the style and the narration of this piece, and the premise is interesting, but when I look for the actual  _story_ , it seems to be mostly packed into the last four paragraphs. What you’re doing here, as I see it, is describing a situation and to some extent a history of that situation, as well as the narrator’s past experience of it. But up until the end, there’s no actual action or story being told. It would also be nice to know a little about this narrator. The voice is good and gives an idea of the personality and mental state, but there’s no concrete information about this person’s status, role in village life, not even gender (I thought it was a man until I saw the line “I was with the men”, but I’m still not sure).  

So to sum up--I enjoyed this, but I think it’s half a story. Might turn into something pretty cool, though, if you expanded on those last four paragraphs. 

Total: 17 


 *The Last Human* , by thepancreas11 

SPaG: 5 
Almost perfect, just one little tic:  _I wonder if gladiators _ *staring* _ down their enemies._  -- should be stare 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
Really good voice, nice mixture of pathos and humor that fits this protagonist and his situation well. Just a couple moment when I felt like the connection between one thought and the next didn’t quite work:  
_this might be the last human I ever see. I wonder if gladiators staring down their enemies._ 
this connects well to the idea of not wanting to be a trooper, and the nurse is the last sight like a gladiator’s enemy is his last sight--but doesn’t that cast the nurse as an enemy? 
_It must be killing her, standing there so helpless. // Now I get it. “Crazy weather, right?” _ 
Don’t see what’s changed or why he’s had this realization 

Effect: 9 
I really liked this one, thought it was well written and interesting, especially for a piece that could have gone way overboard with the pathos. It’s difficult to write emotional scenes like this, so easy to go too far. There were a couple moments when I felt like it was a little rote, like the “Tell my mom I--” line, the part about whether it’s worse to die or to watch someone die, etc. But overall you kept it fairly restrained. I also thought the gladiator metaphor was excellent and that you wove it in just the right amount--present and effective but not overbearing. 

One suggestion I’d make is that it would help to have a little idea of the kid’s physical situation, maybe some sensory detail--is he lying on a gurney, in a wheelchair? is he in pain, is he comfortable or drugged or--? If he’s lying back maybe include that in how he’s seeing people. ... Also it occurs to me that I’m calling this kid a “he” but there’s no name or gender given. Might help to include that somehow. 

Total: 18.5 


* The End,  by M. Cull *


SPaG: 4.5 
Small punctuation problems around dialogue: 
_"After that..." the doctor hesitates_  -- The part about the doctor is a separate sentence, not a dialogue tag, and should thus be capitalized. 
_"I see." I say_  -- comma, not period, after “see” 
And a missing word?  _She got sick all the sudden._  “all of a sudden” 
Titles of films, like those of books, should be italicized. 
Missing spaces after ellipses. ( _There has to be...but even_ ,  _Lean on Me…never anything_ ) 

Tone & Voice: 4 
No outright style problems but I didn’t get a strong sense of the character from his voice.  

Effect: 7.5 
As I was just saying in another review, it’s difficult to write these very emotional scenes, and easy to go too far. Maybe it’s preference but I find understatement more effective. All the physical expressions of emotions start to seem exaggerated, especially with fairly typical ones like fist-clenching, lump in the throat, etc. You’re using these, I suspect, in an effort to “show” rather than “tell”, which is understandable, but all together they give me a sense of watching an actor on a stage. Maybe metaphor or simile would offer some new, fresh way to discuss these emotions. 

This piece worked best when the narrator was reminiscing about his time with his wife. I wished you’d gone into a bit more detail with that, like how she looked when they first met, or something she did on the camping trip. Such memories would individualize these characters more, give us a stronger sense of what the narrator is losing. 

Still, a fairly effective and solid piece. 

Total: 16 


[*] *Ten minutes, * by midnightpoet 

SPaG: 4.5 
Not many straight-up errors but couple rather ambiguous lines: 
_He was a big man, although not as tall_ 
Felt confused what that “as” means, if it should be there. Not as tall as who? As Shamu? As he is wide? 
_Then he saw him. _ 
Since this is immediately preceded by a line about the Beast, seems at first like the Beast is the referent of “he”. Best to repeat the proper name in order to avoid confusion. 

Tone & Voice: 4 
While the tone is fairly consistent, it seemed to me a strange choice for this story--a rather formal, descriptive narrative voice paired with the perspective of Shamu, whose few words (mama and papa) do not indicate much education. This disparity is acceptable in a 3rd person narrator, of course, but for me it creates a sense of narrative distance from the character, diminishing emotional involvement and impact. 

Sometimes I’m not sure how your sentences connect to each other. For example: 
_he hated the man with all his passion. The crowd began to clear. _ [why this sentence here?]  _He remembered the last time someone crossed the Beast. _ 
_he walked like he was on the deck of a ship. Shamu smelled the trash [...] A hard wind rose [...]  Shamu clicked back the hammer_ 
It’s not clear what the relationship between these ideas is, and sometimes it detracts from the tension. Makes sense to talk about the smell and the wind when Shamu’s waiting, but when the Beast shows up, he’s going to be very tightly focused on the Beast, right? So this is not the moment to describe the alley. 

One additional note: avoid repeating the same descriptors (hard belly). About that belly--is Shamu supposed to be very fat? That’s what the name indicates to me, so I found it surprising when his belly was hard. I’d think it would be squishy. Although I suppose I haven’t tested that many bellies. 

Effect: 6.5 
Overall I thought the writing here was pretty good--some nice descriptors, like “Boats in the nearby river sounded throaty whistles”, though perhaps too many of them in that first paragraph. At the same time I didn’t feel like I had a strong sense of Shamu’s character, partly because of that detached POV. Might have helped, also, to give more background information--how was mama killed, for example, how did Shamu find out, how did he react. The problem is, if Shamu inspires no more sympathy in me than the Beast does, I won’t care much who lives or dies here, and the fight scene has no great urgency or interest.  

So a good effort, but I’d suggest trying this in a more character-centric way. 

Total: 15.5 

[*] *Ten Minutes, * Anonymous Entry 

SPaG: 4.5 
Mostly okay, but: 
_over regulation_ 
overregulation or over-regulation 
_a few days leave_ 
missing apostrophe: days’ 
_got placed plain view_ 
missing word:  _in _ plain view 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
So I think this is supposed to be two speakers, Mr. R. Sole (har har, I got it even though I’m American!) and the non-worker he dislikes, right? You do an okay job differentiating the two, I think. I do feel like the first voice is a little stilted; maybe using contractions where possible would make it sound more natural. I tend to prefer that in 1st person. 

Effect: 5 
A bit short, in general, and on plot specifically. What it does offer is two perspectives on the same thing, that being the antagonistic relationship between two office workers, one of whom takes himself too seriously and the other who delights in undermining that seriousness (I’m reminded of Jim and Dwight on the American version of  _The Office_ ). So R says,  _That jerk steals my mug_ , and then person B says,  _Haha, I totally stole that jerk’s mug_ , and that’s it. I just feel like you could have done more with this. It’s somewhat humorous but needs to go further to succeed, and needs a little more story to carry us along. 

Total: 14 

[*] *I Honestly Can't [...]*  by Dictarium 

SPaG: 5 
No problems noted. Never saw the word “deluminate” before, but okay. 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
For the most part I thought this was a good voice, suited the tension of the moment well, seemed to suit the character. One stylistic thing that I noticed, however, especially in the first paragraph is how many, many little function words there are--tons of one-syllable words in a row that have this stuttery effect, and many of them (in bold) you could cut without loss of meaning: 
_His body shook from _ *the * _nerves and _ *the * _cold as he recited the mantra _ *to himself to attempt * _to keep calm. _ 
You might try reading things out loud, too. I’m probably being kind of picky here, but I feel like there’s this constant the-the-the that just sounds off. You’re well below 650 so I guess it wasn’t a concern, but word economy really makes a difference in the reading experience. Especially when things are supposed to feel suspenseful, it helps if the pace is fast. 

Effect: 8 
Good use of the prompt and a good voice generally make me happy. I do feel like you could have done a bit more with this, told us a little more about this character and what he’s doing there. Right now, I get that he’s breaking and entering, but to what purpose, with what personal motivation, what is at risk--I don’t know. What are the stakes? Why does this matter? Your reader will care more if you give her a reason to care. 

That said, I enjoyed the piece overall and thought it had a nice tension. 

Total:17.5 

[*] *Oslo* , by Pidgeon84 

SPaG: 3 
-- Several problems around dialogue tags: 
_“It’s ready.” _ *S* _aid Erik.   doing _ *it.” Eric stated     * _shows u_ *p.” W* _hispered Kristian_ 
-- Unintentional? at least awkward fragment: 
_The smell of gasoline thick in the air_ *, * _and their clothes._ 
-- In the following sentence, you can use  _As_  or  _but_ , not both: 
_As truly a gorgeous building it was, _ *but * _the boys despised it_ 
--  _Around the boys _ *laid* _ a beautiful _ *land [??] open* _ space_ 
lie/lay confusion ( _to lie_  with simple past form  _lay_ --no object;  _to lay_  with simple past form  _laid--_ must have object), + missing word or punctuation? 
--  _frost on the _ *tress* * -- * trees? 
-- *you’re* _ corpse paint_  -- should be your 
--  _The grass [...] _ *lit ablaze*  -- “ablaze” is an adjective and should modify a noun, not a verb 
--  _They reveled in _ *their* _as it warmed their faces_ -- missing word? 
-- Spell out numbers under 10 

Tone & Voice: 3 
-- Dialogue tags-- use these just enough so the reader can tell who’s speaking, and when you describe the character’s speech, ask yourself whether the actual dialogue is adequate to convey that idea. For example: 
_take it easy on him.” Erik said_ * defending him* _._  no need to say “defending him” because Erik’s words have already shown this. 
-- Actually that same idea goes for adverbs. I’m not anti-adverb like some people, but I think it’s true that often, if an adverb can be avoided by choosing a more descriptive verb, the writing will be stronger for it. So for example: He  *looked out suspiciously * on the expanse -- he peered out at the expanse? he eyed the expanse?  
-- try not to repeat the same word or phrase too often if you can avoid it 
-- Overall I’d say this piece would benefit from a more varied and interesting vocabulary 

Effect: 7 
I liked the idea and the general story here, despite the errors. I would have liked more information about the boys’ background, their individual motivations and personalities. Thomas is the most clearly differentiated but, aside from being younger, it’s hard to say why he reacts so differently from his friends. Some work to do in terms of style but an interesting start. 

[*] *The Question, * Anonymous Entry 

SPaG: 4.5 
Mostly clean, a couple small errors: 
_tranquillity_ -- only one L 
_the price too hig_ *h”* _ Her voice_  --missing period 
Fragments--I’m not going to get down on you for using fragments, since I use them often myself. In this, however, I wondered whether fragments really suited the more formal narrative voice. 

Tone & Voice: 3.5 
I felt that some of your descriptions got overblown, to the point of purpleness. These descriptions of her eyes, in particular: 
_- Eyes watched from beyond the translucent barrier. Glowing embers floating in pools of amber. _ 
_- He felt a moment of intense loss when she closed her eyes, for their radiance was now contained behind eyelids which lay host to silken lashes so fine that he was sure if he blew on them they’d float away, like seeds from a dandelion._ 
While I’m all for letting some poetry into your prose, it’s important to consider what it adds to the text as a whole. First, is the description clear? In this case I still have little idea of what this hell-goddess-creature’s eyes look like, despite several lines of description. Second, is the wording justified by events, or does it create a mood? Here, I’d say no--a feeling of “intense loss” is not justified by eyes closing, even if they’re pretty, and as a result, it seems silly. But is the phrase or image beautiful/original/compelling? This is subjective, but again, I say no--particularly that ember/amber line. So poetry, yes--but make it serve the story, and make it good. Otherwise it’s purple. 

Effect: 6.5 
So at the end, it seems like the whole thing is maybe supposed to be funny. I read most of this as if it were serious, which led to my comments on purple prose above--I’ve left them on the off chance that this is not intended as comedy. If it  _is_  intended as comedy, then my advice changes: you need to somehow make it clear to the reader that you’re  _trying_  to be ridiculous, and you need to push the comedy a lot harder. Make it so absurd I couldn’t possibly think you’re serious. Give the goddess a silly name or something.  

It’s hard to judge this, not knowing what it’s supposed to be; I like it better as comedy than as a serious fantasy piece. But as comedy, I’m not sure it can work unless your reader is laughing with you from the start--and I wasn’t. Sorry. 

Total: 14.5 

[*] *Something Natural, * by J. Anfinson 

SPaG: 4 
Pretty good but some small punctuation errors: 
_“Well_ *...* _yes.”_  -- missing space after ellipsis 
_I don’t care what they thin_ *k,* _ they’re not the one that has to see dead people_ 
1. Comma splice 2. The plural “they” and the singular “the one” are bugging me here. Not sure if that’s technically  _wrong_  but... it would be so easy to say “they’re not seeing dead people” or something like that. 
_“What sort of strange thing.”_  -- question mark 
_“Where is the bedroom_ * at* _?”_  --I have learned to accept that people end sentences with prepositions, but this “at” is wholly unnecessary, so why? why?!  
_I’m at the door. This is it, the defining moment. Might as well get it over with. _ *I open it.* 
Referent of final “it” is back two sentences ago, with two other “it”s intervening, so the sentence jars a little 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
Good narrative voice, suited to what seems to be a plain-spoken everyday Joe type character. It’s not blowing me away but it’s fine. 

Effect: 8.5 
Thought this was quite a decent entry, a spare and low-key but interesting ghost story. I guess the irony is that most people think that ghost-hunters who claim to see ghosts are lying, whereas this one does see ghosts and lies that he hasn’t. It leaves me with some questions, though--so he doesn’t actually do anything about the ghost? Maybe unless it’s dangerous or something? And I didn’t quite understand why he didn’t tell the widow that the ghost was there. I can guess that maybe he wanted to save her the trouble of moving or exorcising a non-threatening ghost, but I’d like more information in the narrative. 

Total: 17 

[*] *Trading Disruptions, * by TheWriteStuff 

SPaG: 4.5 
quite clean! but: 
_a look of _ *wide eyed* _ trepidation_ 
wide-eyed -- compound modifiers should generally be hyphenated unless one of the elements is an adverb 
and at one point you wrote Peter _sen_  instead of Peter _son_ . That is a serious difference. For a second I thought he was Norwegian and I liked him. Then he was a Swede again. Confusing. 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
Fairly well chosen and fitting, this sort of analytical voice full of numbers... however, who’s Peterson talking to? Might help to give some idea. Also, I have never heard of an “egg in the face” moment. I assume it’s sort of like a foot-in-mouth moment? 

Effect: 8 
This was quite well written, very few problems. Like I said, the voice suits the character and situation well--but I do kind of wonder if all those numbers and company names, realistic though they are, get in the way a bit. That stuff makes me glaze over in real life, so in fiction, I need some framework to make it meaningful for me. Similarly, I don’t feel a lot of connection with Peterson. I think you could say a bit more about what this disaster means for him personally--maybe he imagines going home to his family, what the consequences for them will be. So it’s good, but it needs a little more soul for me. 

Total: 17 

[*] *Ten Minutes on the Weyline with Sheila: Tangl3, a synoptic tale, * by ppsage 

SPaG: 4.5 
Only a couple small errors in the English; errors in the French are noted (how could I resist?) but will not affect your score. 
_fulsome _ *décolleté* -- _décolleté_  is an adjective, the noun is  _décolletage_ 
*les intellectuel errant--* _un intellectuel errant_ ; or if for some reason you want plural,  _les intellectuels errants;_  though in an Enlightenment context, one would probably say  _philosophe _ rather than  _intellectuel._  While I’m being pedantic, the Mlle. contraction would be used in front of the name but by itself, the word should be spelled out and not capitalized. (Using that MA, I am...) 
*it's * _magnificence diminishes_ --its (possessive); it’s = contraction of it is 
_droppi_ *n's* *--* now here is a punctuation conundrum for which I do not have an easy solution. So you’re abbreviating  _dropping_  to  _droppin’_  and then making that plural... it  _looks_  awful, I must say, but is it wrong? I honestly don’t know. I searched a bit and found no definitive answer. I  _do_  know, however, that in the rest of his dialogue Trader Joe consistently pronounces the final consonant of -ing. So really, he should just say “droppings” and spare us this headache. 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
Unmistakable, really, so how can I complain, but I will. There were moments when I was not sure if Joe’s thoughts were being included as indirect discourse. In particular, ”tits” seems generally below the narrator’s typical register, so I thought this might be Joe’s line, but didn’t feel sure. 

Effect: 8.5 
Enjoyed the humor and style of this overall, though I’m slightly acquainted with Trader Joe already, so got more of the references than someone else might on first encounter. Makes it sort of difficult to judge effect, in a sense, because the effect on me is, I’m almost certain, greater than on someone with no context. And should not a story stand on its own, be comprehensible or at least appreciable on some level, even if not entirely? Something to consider and I’m knocking your score down just a tad for that reason.  

Not sure if we judges should feel flattered or mocked as part of your inspiration; I will assume a bit of both, but both only lightly. Very fun.  

Total: 17.5 



*No Justice, * by Godofwine 

SPaG: 3.5 
One big thing: In this piece you’ve got a narrative moment in past tense as Albert waits in his cell, and another in the further past, as Albert reflects on his trial, his childhood, and Minny’s visit. When you’re shifting to a prior moment, it’s best to use the past perfect (a.k.a. the pluperfect) to mark the difference in time frame. So “the portly, white-haired prosecutor  *had*  barked” and “Minny  *had*  come by the day before”. After you’ve established this you can switch back to simple past, but the pluperfect helps a lot in avoiding confusion. 
Small things (only a few): 
_he peered in the direction of, but _ *not looking at* _ the half-eaten plate_  -- parallelism issue: “of, but didn’t look at”. Though really I’d suggest something like “He peered [gazed?] towards the plate half-full of meatloaf [etc.] without seeing it”. Just more efficient to say “towards” than “in the direction of” and then you don’t have to worry about those pesky prepositions. (also, “half-eaten plate” implies that the plate is half-eaten rather than its contents, which is why I switched that to “half-full of”) 
--  _as hardened hands tugged at the knees of worn-out trousers_  -- sounds weird, makes me think whose hands? whose trousers? 
--  _Was it different for real criminals_ *, * _he thought_ *?*  -- Was it different for real criminals *? * he thought *. * (though note that you could leave out this thought tag altogether.) 
--  _through the steel bars remembered his trial._  -- missing word? 

Tone & Voice: 4 
Overall I find the phrasing oddly formal in a way that detracts from the intimacy that I think you want to convey; I want to feel closer to Albert, and I think the piece might be more powerful if the grammar and vocab were more personal, closer to the words he would use. 

Another big thing: run-on sentences. You’ve got several that I think could be profitably broken up. In general, when you change the main subject of the sentence, probably you should start a new one. For example, in the following sentence you start with Albert as the main subject, then switch to Minny, then back to Albert: 
_He’d held her face in his weathered hands and urged her to be strong, _ *//* _ but she continued to cry as if it were her who they had scheduled to die the following day _ *// * _so he’d asked her not to come, not to see him that way. _ 
Better to break into three sentences (I’ve inserted slashes to show where). There’s a couple of these that you can find. 

Some awkward lines, like: 
_-- his stomach felt _ *as hollow as his chances* _ of leaving this prison_  -- never heard of “hollow” chances, seems like a mixed metaphor 
--  _she continued to cry _ *as if it were her who* _ they had scheduled to die_  -- maybe “as if she were the one scheduled to die”?  
-- You start with the fact that he’s not hungry, then in the second paragraph you mention the hyperventilation. I think the hyperventilation would be way more urgent and should be mentioned first. 

Effect: 7.5 
I thought this was a pretty good scene, an interesting character piece, and I enjoyed it. Wish you’d spent a little more time on the details, that last meal (why’d he choose meatloaf? what does it taste like, look like?). And I get this feeling that maybe you’re trying for a more formal style and not quite succeeding with it, in part, I think, because a piece like this--an intimate portrait of a character about to die--might work better in a simpler voice, with shorter sentences and the vocab dialed down closer to how Albert would speak. These are his memories and emotions, so let’s explore his mind on his terms. Otherwise I don’t get much feeling in this. But still, it’s a good effort. 

Total: 15 


 *Ten Minutes, * Anonymous Entry         

SPaG: 3.5 
Not bad, but you’re having trouble with punctuation, especially around dialogue tags. It helps to think of the words spoken as the object of the phrase “I said” (or its equivalents). If the line isn’t the object, then the adjoining sentence is separate. So in this first example below, she’s not softening the words, she is herself softening, so that’s a separate sentence. In the third, she is sobbing the word, so it’s a dialogue tag and you use a comma. 
_-- I immediately softened “I’m so sorry --_  period after “softened” 
--  _you don’t know the meaning… you…” my words faltered_  -- “My” begins a new sentence and should be capitalized. 
_-- “Joe” I sobbed. _ -- comma inside the quotes after Joe: “Joe,” I sobbed. 
some other missing periods here and there, plus you need to leave a space between an ellipsis and the following word. 

Tone & Voice: 4.5 
I thought the voice and style of this were really good. I liked how the character seems like a royal bitch when talking to the cab company, and then we discover it’s her argumentative nature that’s led to a falling out with her dying father. That worked very well for me. I was a little less taken with the moment when she gets off the phone. She just deflates so quickly. And then this run-on sentence needs breaking up: 
_Cradling the phone like a comforter and a vital link to the outside world I slowly slid down the wall to the floor, until in the fetal position like a vulnerable child, I finally allowed the tears to flow unchecked as if cleansing my soul of guilt. _ 
It’s long, plus there’s four different similes in that sentence. Just seems like a bit much. I’d chop it up and cut the bit about the phone and the “cleansing my soul” line, since we see later that she still feels guilty. 
(also, maybe it’s a language difference but to me a “comforter” is a kind of blanket, like a duvet) 
One final note on the use of “swearing”--believe me, I’m not anti-swearing, far from it. However, I am anti-repetition of the same word too often in close proximity; even if it’s realistic, it wears on the ear. So once per outburst is probably enough. 

Effect: 8.5 
Like I said, I enjoyed the character here, particularly because I disliked her intensely right off the bat. Even if she’s got good reason to be angry, that is just not the way to treat people. So I was very pleased to discover that she was supposed to be an irrationally angry and mildly terrible person who was getting her comeuppance. I always enjoy a good comeuppance. The points off are for that melty moment above, and how nice she is to Joe--it just felt like too much, too drastic of a mood change. I wanted her to stay evil, to ream out Joe for not picking her up or something. But good work. 

Total: 16.5




[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*Ghosts Of The Maze
Ten Minutes Late
SCORE: 15*

Hmm. Some nice, low key prose here. I liked that a wealth of incidental detail was expressed in such a short space, building up an image of both the location and the characters who weren't even there. The characters overall were well set up. That's my main problem, though, this felt all set up and no closure. It just sort of stops. It grabbed my interest and did nothing with it.


*Potty
Ten Minutes
SCORE: 13*

While I found your last try in this fashion rather amusing, I'm afraid I can't say the same for this go around. 'Here Today, Gone Tomorrow' worked because it was unexpected. This just really doesn't for me, as it feels like you're pushing the joke past its natural life. Oh,  and just as a side note, someone suffering from tetrodotoxin poisoning who had ten minutes of life left wouldn't be asking a doctor anything. They'd be completely paralyzed.


*rockoo315
Untitled
SCORE: 14*

I enjoyed the humor here, and this entry was  -- with the exception of a clumsy line here and there* -- pretty well written. But it doesn't really congeal as a story for me. It's just a couple of scenes that come out of nowhere and go nowhere. I'm not even quite sure what the narrator's central dilemma was other than he wasn't much of a lover. How this applied to his marital problems, or why he was asking the advice of some guy named Big Mike, wasn't really explored at all.

*For example: "The golf club was put down on the ground with a great big sigh being unleashed from my lungs," and "Well, the PCP the disgruntled employee put in the cheese had me in a high for a long time." 


*Anonymous
A Tale From The Rosewood
SCORE: 17*

A really terrific set up to a not-all-that-great twist. It _was_ humorous, it just didn't quite work for me, and was disappointing after such a great lead up. Terrific voice and character work, and a fine sense of atmosphere for the rather depressing location, though.


*5. Anonymous
I'm Not Human
SCORE: 16*

I get the feeling that you wanted this to be somewhat shocking and blunt. That effect is undermined by the summary nature of much of the writing, which simply declares what happened. It's a pretty damned good idea, and I liked the ending, but feel this really should be expanded into a full short story, as the flash format does it no favor.


*Stephend
The Call
SCORE: 18*

I found this slight, but very deeply effecting. It also takes courage to write about such a simple, human scene when the temptation for pyrotechnics and plot twists lurks. So bravo for that. You built your characters well and I found them very believable. 


*InkwellMachine
Devil's Maw
SCORE: 18*

Very nicely done, balancing humor and horror with an interesting commentary on religious fear mongering and the crimes it can lead to. I did feel this was sort of crying out to be longer, however. 


*thepancreas11
The Last Human
SCORE: 19*

I loved this one. Extremely well done character dynamics in such a short space. Sentimental without being sappy, emotional without denying a sense of the triumphant. Terrific voice for the sixteen year old narrator. I'm deducting one point from effect simply because I felt the dialogue for the nurse was a bit of a let down in comparison. Excellent work.


*M.Cull
The End
SCORE: 17*

For most of it's length, this was a powerful and effective story, but the ending, IMO, marred it, making the entire story feel like a setup for what should come next. Those last ten minutes should be the heart and soul of the story, but won't be found here. Once again, I thought this was well written and even moving -- but felt the focus was entirely misplaced.


*midnightpoet
Ten Minutes
SCORE: 18*

Some really good imagery here, and a nice hard-boiled tone. My only real problem is with the final twist. Many flash writers think a twist is utterly necessary, when it really isn't. This one was a bit jar in its sentiment -- perhaps a bit of foreshadowing would have made it feel better integrated. Overall, though, this is quite good -- the best entry of yours I've read yet. Good work.


*Anonymous
Ten Minutes
SCORE: 16*

Not sure I get it, to be honest, other than as a vignette on the weird things people get up to because they're bored at an office. There's the spark of an interesting, slightly surrealistic world here, but it isn't developed. The writing was good enough that I enjoyed the read, but I can't say if did much for me.


*Dictarium
I Honestly Can't Think Of A Title That Doesn't Sound Overly Pretentious
SCORE: 16*

I think this is multiple times I've mentioned repetition in regards to your entries. It seems to be a favorite device of yours. While repetition is by all means a valid narrative device, when I encounter it in such a short story, I mainly think: 'Please get on with it.' It makes the entry feel like a sort of literary inventory, with purpose and motivation basically ignored. The writing itself was fine, and the tone quite good. If this had been followed by some repercussions and events for the narrator, these 500+ words would have worked well. On their own, however, I'm sort of left cold.


*Pidgeon84
Oslo
SCORE: 16*

A few minor SPaG nits: commas where periods should be in dialogue and vice versa. Nothing major, mostly clean. Interesting story, but I was rather un-sympathetic towards the main characters since they're just a bunch of arsonists. Their 'holy connection' means zippo to me -- they're vandals and criminals. And I get the feeling I was supposed to be on their side. Otherwise, not a bad piece of flash.


*Anonymous
The Question
SCORE: 18*

I enjoyed the obscured mythology of this one, and the literary style justified by the fairy tale like content. The double twist at the end is interesting, but I think the second part undermines the first which was neat and complete. Still, quite well done.


*J. Anfinson
Something Natural
SCORE: 20*

Now this is a twist that really works, emerging as it does from character and motivation. Nice clean writing, simple but effective style, good character work in the space allotted and humor interleaving the grim aspects. Great job!


*TheWriteStuff
Trading Disruptions
SCORE: 17*

Good writing and an interesting take on the prompt. It reads a little summarized, but I did quite enjoy the amount of technical description you managed within the contest rules.  That's my only real problem, actually -- you sacrificed any real development of the MC to said technical details. That's a fair and valid choice, but I do wish you'd used your remaining third of the word count to flesh him out a little.


*ppsage
Ten Minutes on the Weyline with Sheila: Tangl3, a synoptic tale.
SCORE: 20*

Delightful! I'm currently loving your vast yet tiny universe, especially having it fleshed out in pieces of flash such as this: a perfect example of medium fitting the message. These stories are bigger on the inside. This almost reminds me of late era Heinlein (his solipsistic stage) given a modern SFnal overhaul with devices he didn't have available: VR and a more detailed idea of many-worlds hypothesis first and foremost. Also loving the hints that these future explorers cross the universe by creating and collapsing their own. Grand stuff, man. Best in show.


*godofwine
No Justice
SCORE: 18*

A very ambitious entry, and quite well done. I have two main problems with it. The first is that I feel you should have explained when this takes place much earlier, as that is very important for a reader to visualize your world. I was imagining a contemporary prison until you mentioned that the story took place in the mid 30's. My second problem is that -- and I usually hate this criticism -- nothing really happens: it's all memory and regret, with the MC in exactly the same place he was at the end. If that was the point, I'm not sure I see it! Still, this is fine work. 


*Anonymous
Ten Minutes
SCORE: 16*

Deeply felt and well presented, I think the focus here is a bit off. The central driving force in the story is the guilt the MC feels, not the failure of a taxi to arrive. If you had fashioned the argument about the taxi into a metaphor for that guilt, my score would have been much higher. You may actually have meant it that way, but I'm afraid I don't see it.
[/spoiler2]


----------



## Dictarium

*Folcro*

I s'pose I could've made his exact motive clearer but I thought I effectively conveyed it through the glaring hints I gave: lockpicks, ski mask, gun, etc. Apparently not. It happens. My implications in my writing seem to be hit-or-miss.

The inability of my readers to personally connect with my writing is definitely something I'm working on with each competition, and I do tend to polarize people in that respect as well. Such is also true with my syntax (which I'm also tightening up month-after-month). You pointed it out and I noticed it post-entry: they get long in the middle and they always do. Dunno why. Complacency, likely, and a lack of want to delete things and information I think're necessary to the narrative I'm building but probably aren't. I'll figure it out eventually but in the meantime thank you for reminding me.

*Pluralized

*"Obscured Eyebrows" Ski mask. "Deluminated" It's not but I liked it in there and I don't know that there's an antonym for illuminated with which I wouldn't have had to first refer to the lights of the house which would've taken up more words. I figured the meaning was pretty well-conveyed through it but if you say you stumbled then you did. I don't take issue with the "creation" of words with pretty clear-cut meanings but maybe that's just me. "Repetition" Meant to make the syntax clock-like in its tick-tock tone with the "in two seconds; out two seconds" etc. but it didn't work because my sentences got long in the middle like they always do. It did have a point to it though. And it ended the same as it began (though chiasmically) again to have a very clock-like feel to it being all coordinated and planned out and all the gears meshing in with one another in a very purposeful, meaningful way. "He" is very clock-like in this respect as well. Or not. That's up to the reader and you seem to have not picked up like most people don't with most of the symbolic and metaphoric crap I try to put into my stuff. I don't mean to say you're dense or anything. I'm just not all that good at putting that stuff in.
*
Leyline*

"Reptition" Noted. I probably could've gone for the clock-like approach in a bit more sophisticated manner rather than "let's just repeat stuff". I did take into account the fact that nothing actually happens in the story but I thought the subtext made up for that. Once again: apparently not. I also implied that perhaps he doesn't actually make it out as he'd hoped to as I don't finish the initial "in and out. in and out. oh my god. in and out." but I didn't expect anyone to pick up on that because it wasn't very well-conveyed to be honest and was way too subtle. I understand what you're saying and I don't really think I use repetition all that often when I write without a prompt, I've just had a clock-like feel lent to several of my LM entries while writing them. I'll work on it I s'pose if it's really that distracting for the reader.

*lasm*

As others have noted I don't connect the link between the reader and the protagonist very well. I'm working on that and thank you for pointing it out in the way that you did. It was nice. "Deluminated" It's not a word, makes sense you haven't seen it. "the, the, to himself to attempt" The only one I'd argue is that "attempt" needs to be there as he is not actually calm, as demonstrated by his many obsessive self-mutterings. Otherwise thank you for that and I'll look out for it when scanning my next entry.

Overall, thanks to all the judges for their time, critique, direction, and thoughts. And congrats to thepancreas11 for the win!


----------



## Leyline

Where is 'sage's scores?


----------



## thepancreas11

So that sentence is supposed to be, "I wonder if gladiators felt this way staring down their deaths."

Oops...


----------



## Fin

Leyline said:


> Where is 'sage's scores?



They're there now.


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## midnightpoet

Thanks, everyone.  I appreciate all the comments.  This originally had over 1000 words, and I'm afraid I cut the wrong things.  When I re-write, I think I'll expand it and probably cut the "papa" business.  This was basically a gang initiation, and i failed to bring that across.

As an aside, the opening line came to me out of a dream and I couldn't resist using it.  The "vampires" were a gang, and had skull tattoos with fangs on the back of their hands.  That description can use work.


----------



## Leyline

Fin said:


> They're there now.





Great work as usual, Fin.


----------



## Gavrushka

Congratulations to thepancreas!!! May I smugly point out I spotted this talented young man well before the judges announced their scores. - It was a truly awesome piece of prose; one of the best I've ever read on here.

Thanks to all the judges for their huge effort, and helpful critiques.


----------



## thepancreas11

Thanks, Gav! I'm really enjoying this site. I've noticed the quality of my writing has increased exponentially since I started critiquing other pieces. Never realized how useful something like this could be.


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## Terry D

Congratulations to the winners. It was a very tough competition this time around and your scores were well deserved. Kudos! 

One of these days I'm going to pull off a humor piece that actually works. This was my third attempt at a story using humor and all three have fallen short... oh, well, I'm not dead yet.

Folcro-- There are at least 32 types of impishness, by adding 'leprechaunian' I was only trying to be specific (as well as attempting to invent a word). Thanks for your thoughtful critique.

 Pluralized-- I'm happy you liked the piece. It was fun to write.

Lasm-- Thanks for the details in your critique. I obviously didn't spend enough time proofing it. Also, Grace Culverton was housed in the Daisy wing of the Rosewood, while her husband was in the more intensive-care style Gardenia wing, but if that wasn't clear it is all on me. Thanks.

Leyline-- Well... it seemed funny at the time... Thanks for the good words. 

My quest is not over. Next time I'm writing about clowns. Clowns and naked chickens--that has to be funny, right? Right?


----------



## J Anfinson

Congrats, thepancreas11! 

I'm shocked but thrilled to have placed. The biggest mistake in my piece that stuck out to me after the grace period none of the judges even noticed. In the first draft the old woman came to the door leaning on a cane. I needed to cut a few details to make the word count, so I got rid of the cane. Only I missed the part where she sat down in the chair. She still has it in the final draft, and its like it came from nowhere.


----------



## godofwine

First of all congrats to all of the writers, especially those who placed. There are some real talented folks writing here. As well as the judges.

@Folcro

*Voice:3
The nickname given to the electric chair: *Don't let your fear of the reader's ignorance turn your story into a dictionary. You're doing fine. Things like this will hold you back.

*Refusing to apologize for the spanking she'd unjustly doled out:* We know what she's doing, we saw what she just did. This line only dampens the effect of what I thought was a powerful, even morbidly comedic moment.

*People who looked like him--- people with brown skin:* We got it already, don't hammer it in.

*Bawling maniacally:* I would choose a more solemn description of a woman about to lose her husband.
This was well-written, though at times too wordy, especially as this is from the perspective of a man whose education is presumably sub-optimal. Sometimes the sentences are far too long

I reiterated, or rather explained the nickname for the electric chair for reasons of just not throwing "Old Sparky" in there. I know, many people understand, but I did a lot of research on this and found that the name for that particular chair was indeed Old Sparky. Seasoned readers would get it without the explaination, but we write for the casual reader as well and I thought it was a necessary explanation. I also wanted to ensure that the name of the prison was accurate. Also, the name of the prisoner was the exact same as a prisoner executedby that prison in 1935. I love using real locations for my stories, even the very short ones. For me it gives the writing an air of authenticity and realism. 

The grandmother's spanking was an unjust punishment for something that he didn't do. I felt it necessary that the grandmother, much as the State of Texas, would feel no remorse for her actions. I know I showed what she'd done, but the implication of remorselessness wasn't enough IMO. The indignant response was warranted, because she, as the State of Texas, would not care that she'd made a mistake and I felt compelled to show it as well as the need to hammer in the people with brown skin comment. 

Bawling maniacally may have been a poor choice, I admit. Hystarically may have been a better way, I pictured a woman in that situation and the first word came to mind first and I went with it. I didn't want to downplay her feelings, even though hystarically would have been more appropriate. She was losing her husband and the tears would not stop. As far as the sentence length, I knew I would get flagged for that and you judges didn't let me down. As always, trying to be descriptive, while at the same time being confined to a 650 word box is troublesome. I ended up being restricted and only more words would have solved it. I haven't leaned the balance of being able to remove words without taking away from the intended effect of the composition. This was a much better review with great objective constructive cricism and lacking the subjective. Thanks. Wondering how to improve my "Voice" score.

@*Pluralized’s *

grammatical issues that stuck out, like “stared out through the steel bars remembered his trial” which doesn’t parse, and a place where you should’ve used “whom.” Pretty sure nobody worries about that, but “as if it were her who they had scheduled to die the following day…” In fact, maybe the word who/whom could be deleted altogether in this instance.

Couple of other places that seemed weird, like “To remember him as he was and she nodded,” – seems like something’s missing there. Also when “a guard appeared beyond the cell in front of where he sat…” it comes off like he’s sitting behind a cell and not in the cell. Y’dig?

Overall – nice work and a story I enjoyed reading. Could’ve been the highlight of this thing if you’d brought us into the dying man’s head and delivered some emotional stakes to feel and experience.

I forgot an "and" in that sentence. I didn't see it until after I'd submitted it. "Who" and "Whom" are tricky, and sometimes I try to use whom and it feels weird so often times I leave it out. I wanted him to say that he wanted his wife to remember him as he was. I likely could have left off the part with her nodding. The part with the guard appearing in front of his cell, I wanted to avoid repeating cell twice in one sentence and probably could have said that better. 

How do I get into his head better? I had the hyperventilation, the  flashback to the trial, and then him pulling himself together for the sake of his wife only to crumble as soon as she leaves the room. The direction of the whipping (or as I knew growing up, whoopin') was effective IMO. How could I have done that better? I am honestly asking. I need a clinic if I am to improve on this. I get a lot of props on my writing, but there is also the noted criticism. Folcro is the harshest, but I assume I am doing something better because I got the highest score ever from him. People enjoy my writing and that is amazing, but I want to be great. It's in there, I mean, from those who have seen my talents I have gotten very favorable reviews, but there is something separating me from that and I need to identify it and fix it. 

I gotta get to work, the other comments later.


----------



## ppsage

Thanks to everybody for everything. As Always. Especially to lasm for giving away her trade secrets without charging me. *ITS.* _(Imagine this repeated 1000 times.)_ sheesh. Would like to point out this is my first time putting a judge into single digits and my widest score spread EVER. Wohoo. Congratulations to us all, each and every one. In appreciatyion, pp.


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## Pluralized

Congrats to the Pank - nice job dude. 

I'm shocked by the low scores, Folc - I mean, my teachers didn't like me, and I usually could at least eke out a C, which would be a 14 or 15 by most people's scale. For Inkwell to get a 13, that's a solid 65%. D. For real? That's D-level writing? And a 9 for ppsage? That's a 45%, or a solid F. Even if you gave a zero for effect, you're knocking him on either tone or voice. Seems like an aberration that diminishes the whole thing a little bit.

Sorry man - nothing personal, but those scores are gnar-ly. People might get the impression that 'mentors' are counterproductive!


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## PiP

Congratulations Pancreas! 

Thanks to all the judges. 

@Folcro, I like your suggestion: _The story could have benefited by a little less focus on Madam's hollering at the operator (just a little less) and a little more (again, just a little) on why she wants to see her father so badly. Perhaps describe how she had rehearsed all she wanted to say, letting the words fly over and over before her, blotching every other thought._

@Pluralized, I noted your point on overuse of the "F" word. I may have overcooked the goose in trying to achieve contrast and her feeling of frustration.
_Don’t know why, but I had to focus really hard on a couple of the middle paragraphs. Particularly the long one with “brick-by-brick of pride.” I kept trying to skim, and went back to make sure I understood everything and read the whole thing. Maybe it’s because yours was the last of nineteen entries, or maybe that paragraph is longish and doesn’t move the narrative along quickly enough. _You are right. I need to rewrite this.
@Lasm, punctuation is not one of my strengths and it's something I need to focus on   I value the corrections, thanks.
Swearing, yep, I agree; it was a little OTT. I don't swear myself, but I have heard my neighbour (when I lived in the UK) use the F word several times in one sentence. Now I'm blushing  Thankyou for the detailed crit. 

@leyline, I take on board your point: _The central driving force in the story is the guilt the MC feels, not the failure of a taxi to arrive. If you had fashioned the argument about the taxi into a metaphor for that guilt, my score would have been much higher. _ I like this idea, thanks for the suggestion.


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## Pidgeon84

Brutal man lmao had space to do more with the story should've done it.


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## Deleted member 49710

Pluralized said:


> I'm shocked by the low scores, Folc - I mean, my teachers didn't like me, and I usually could at least eke out a C, which would be a 14 or 15 by most people's scale. For Inkwell to get a 13, that's a solid 65%. D. For real? That's D-level writing? And a 9 for ppsage? That's a 45%, or a solid F. Even if you gave a zero for effect, you're knocking him on either tone or voice. Seems like an aberration that diminishes the whole thing a little bit.
> 
> Sorry man - nothing personal, but those scores are gnar-ly. People might get the impression that 'mentors' are counterproductive!


Just wanted to agree with this. Judging is very subjective, of course, especially things like "effect", and I don't want to get in a big detailed back and forth (maybe we should have a separate thread dedicated to fighting over how to judge, since it comes up so often) but I do think maybe it's necessary to think less about "what I like" and "what I would do" and more about what is being attempted, does it work, if not why not, etc. And maybe to think about tone, as well.

In any case, congratulations to Thepancreas11, InkwellMachine and J Anfinson, and really to everyone who entered, especially some of the newer names. Not always easy the first time you show your work to a bunch of strangers.


----------



## godofwine

lasm said:


> Just wanted to agree with this. Judging is very subjective, of course, especially things like "effect", and I don't want to get in a big detailed back and forth (maybe we should have a separate thread dedicated to fighting over how to judge, since it comes up so often) but I do think maybe it's necessary to think less about "what I like" and "what I would do" and more about what is being attempted, does it work, if not why not, etc. And maybe to think about tone, as well.
> 
> In any case, congratulations to Thepancreas11, InkwellMachine and J Anfinson, and really to everyone who entered, especially some of the newer names. Not always easy the first time you show your work to a bunch of strangers.



As a writer, if it appears to be bashing and not constructive it is counterproductive. We need to know where to improve, where we are weak and strive for that perfect score. If you have a teacher that says, "I DON'T GIVE OUT A'S or B'S AT ALL" then you know that no matter your ability/skill/prowess you are going to get a C or lower. It is disheartening to say the least. ppsage had a situation similar to one that I had for the November contest. Back then I had the #1 average score from three judges and an extremely low score (9 or more points less than the highest judge's score) dropped me to 2nd place; ppsage had an 18.5 three judge avg fell to 16.12 and dropped him from placement. I received a 12 this time, the highest I'd ever gotten from him, and how many times have you been happy with a 60%, an F? One guy got a 5. A 5! What do you have to do to score a five? _I be dare seeun diffrent starrs in da skah n cain't figger were da son be at?_ I am about to read the 5 and see if I can see where the author went wrong.


----------



## Lewdog

If people don't want the scores to be weighted so heavily on a person's opinion, then don't be mad at the judge, change the weighting of the system.  SPaG is only 25% of the score while Voice and Effect make up the other 75%.  Switch things around making SpaG 50% and the other two categories 25% each?  Or just combine voice and effect into one category and come up with another category that is less opinion related.  Then again if you do all that, then there really is no reason to have judges, you could just some king of computer program to score each piece.  That's just my opinion.


----------



## godofwine

Lewdog said:


> If people don't want the scores to be weighted so heavily on a person's opinion, then don't be mad at the judge, change the weighting of the system.  SPaG is only 25% of the score while Voice and Effect make up the other 75%.  Switch things around making SpaG 50% and the other two categories 25% each?  Or just combine voice and effect into one category and come up with another category that is less opinion related.  Then again if you do all that, then there really is no reason to have judges, you could just some king of computer program to score each piece.  That's just my opinion.



My question is, how can I improve my voice and effect? I am curious because I seriously want to improve in that area. These are free contests, so I am not bitching too much. As long as each judge gives me something tangible that I can improve upon then I'm good whether I win or not, though I do want to win. This past contest I went back and reread every critique I had from previous contests in attempt to improve my score. I'm writing a novel, so I want to patch all of the relatively large holes in my boat. I realize that no matter what there will be tiny leaks here and there, but my ship won't sink if the large holes are plugged.


----------



## Lewdog

godofwine said:


> My question is, how can I improve my voice and effect? I am curious because I seriously want to improve in that area. These are free contests, so I am not bitching too much. As long as each judge gives me something tangible that I can improve upon then I'm good whether I win or not, though I do want to win. This past contest I went back and reread every critique I had from previous contests in attempt to improve my score. I'm writing a novel, so I want to patch all of the relatively large holes in my boat. I realize that no matter what there will be tiny leaks here and there, but my ship won't sink if the large holes are plugged.



Well the problem with what you just mentioned is, writing a 650 word short story and a novel aren't going to be quite the same.  In these short stories you have little time and space to make as big of an impact as possible.  To do so, many people believe you should write small pieces like the ones for this contest, in present tense.  It gets the reader into the story faster and keeps a higher tempo.  For novels, you might have some instances that are in present tense, but for the most part it is going to be in past tense.  If you write a whole novel in present tense, the tempo will wear the reader out.  Don't get me wrong, it can be done but it takes a lot of talent.

So in the LM contest you want to have a lot of impact, and present a 'voice' that the reader wants to hear.  So your effect will be your pacing and drawing the reader in with the right details and not using 'filler' words.  The best way I tried to gain a better voice in my pieces, is to read it out loud and not just in my head.  Try to reach a consistent, realistic voice that fits the genre of the story you are trying to write.  Let the voice describe the personality of the characters without even having to use direct descriptions.  Does that make sense?


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## Deleted member 49710

godofwine said:


> My question is, how can I improve my voice and effect? [...] This past contest I went back and reread every critique I had from previous contests in attempt to improve my score.


Might be useful to read others' works and critiques, as well. More importantly, I'd suggest seeking out authors who have strong voices. Sit down with their texts and analyze them, try to figure out in what specific ways they're distinct from each other, why a certain voice might fit a certain situation, etc. Always good to read, anyway.


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## bazz cargo

> My question is, how can I improve my voice and effect? I am curious because I seriously want to improve in that area. These are free contests, so I am not bitching too much. As long as each judge gives me something tangible that I can improve upon then I'm good whether I win or not, though I do want to win. This past contest I went back and reread every critique I had from previous contests in attempt to improve my score. I'm writing a novel, so I want to patch all of the relatively large holes in my boat. I realize that no matter what there will be tiny leaks here and there, but my ship won't sink if the large holes are plugged.



Now your little question here is fantastically well written, it has a casual air and denotes a full and rounded character. I suspect writing, like acting, seems unreal when you try too hard.


*Congratulations Panky, Inky and Jake. Sterling work.*

Once again the judges have eviscerated my offering and in doing so have shown me my errors and conceits. Thank you. I learn by falling flat on my face, it ain't pretty but it works for me.



> Pluralzied
> Anonymous
> “Ten Minutes”
> Score: 13
> 
> Not sure how best to attack this piece, as it’s used so little of the word count, it’s sort of like you just gave up halfway through. The ending doesn’t really feel like an ending so much as a middle. Wanted to know what the boss’s reaction would be and I think there’s a real opportunity for drama and tension surrounding that element.
> 
> Who has pornographic magazines at their desk? I mean more than one!?
> 
> There’s some stuff to like – great voice. Very much liked the way you’ve bled some cynicism into this (“cretin,” etc.), and I enjoyed the jovial nature of the prank, too. Wish this had been longer – I’d have liked to see where you went with it. Hope you’ll enter again.
> 
> Thanks for entering.


 

 I had plans for expanding on this but it would have gone waaaayyyy outside the word count, so I cut it off at the neatest place I could find. This could end up in the workshop with a proper start , middle and end.


 I was hoping to have a more rounded and believable character/ voice, and was there a smile forced onto your lips at one point?


 Thank you for judging.






> Lasm.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ten Minutes, Anonymous Entry
> 
> SPaG:     4.5
> Mostly okay, but:
> over regulation
> overregulation or     over-regulation
> a few days leave
> missing apostrophe: days’
> got placed plain view
> missing word: in plain view
> 
> Tone     & Voice: 4.5
> So I think this is supposed to be two speakers,     Mr. R. Sole (har har, I got it even though I’m American!) and the     non-worker he dislikes, right? You do an okay job differentiating     the two, I think. I do feel like the first voice is a little     stilted; maybe using contractions where possible would make it sound     more natural. I tend to prefer that in 1st person.
> 
> Effect: 5
> A bit short, in general, and on plot specifically. What it does     offer is two perspectives on the same thing, that being the     antagonistic relationship between two office workers, one of whom     takes himself too seriously and the other who delights in     undermining that seriousness (I’m reminded of Jim and Dwight on     the American version of The Office ). So R says, That jerk steals my     mug , and then person B says, Haha, I totally stole that jerk’s     mug , and that’s it. I just feel like you could have done more     with this. It’s somewhat humorous but needs to go further to     succeed, and needs a little more story to carry us along.
> 
> Total:     14


 Damn, you're right. I never watched The Office 'cos it's too much like real work. You are totally sharp, even worked out which entry was mine. And of course you got my word/name play, nationality has nothing to do with intelligence.  


 Thank you for judging.






> Leyline.
> Anonymous
> Ten Minutes
> SCORE: 16
> 
> Not sure I get it, to be honest, other than as a vignette on the weird things people get up to because they're bored at an office. There's the spark of an interesting, slightly surrealistic world here, but it isn't developed. The writing was good enough that I enjoyed the read, but I can't say if did much for me.



 (Must remember, I can't please everyone all the time).


 I am determined to get you to smile.  


 Thank you for judging.




> And thanks to Folcro.
> *Ten Minutes
> Anonymous
> Grammar: 5
> Voice:4
> Effect: 2
> Total: 11*
> 
> Interesting--- not demanding full use of the allowed word count yet not  resorting to a ten word knock-knock joke. Somebody knew exactly what  they wanted to say.
> 
> However, I think this would have had more of an _a_ffect had you described the _e_ffect,  which you had plenty of room to do. For example--- his frustration  trying to enjoy his favorite models, trying to salvage his favorite  pictures, eventually deciding to take the salvageable parts from  different pictures and make a whole new woman. What you have seems more  to be the pitch of a story rather than a story.
> 
> But as is the case with most especially short works, your grammar held  up, and you were able to establish a somewhat recognizable voice to  boot.



 The one thing guaranteed to happen is  a new twist that I would never have thought of. Thanks.

 And as always I enjoyed reading my opponents word-smithery.


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## J Anfinson

godofwine said:


> My question is, how can I improve my voice and effect?



This may be just my opinion, but the biggest issue I had with yours is that you distanced the narrative voice. It could have been so much better if you'd pulled me in close so that it's almost like I'm in the room with him. One way to do that is through giving his thoughts directly. Another thing you can do is increase the use of the five senses. I only found two in your story, sight and hearing. Your story is also mostly backstory, which can sometimes work, but most of the time I think if there's that much to revisit then you're probably starting the story at the wrong point. Anyway, you know the drill--grain of salt and all that. If you like, I could send you my own critique if you think it would help. Just say the word.


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## Folcro

I have to say I'm disappointed that the others didn't think as highly of Rockoo's story as I did--- it was my favourite and I was certain it would win.

At any rate, congratulations pancreas. You have a very effective style and edge worthy of this win.


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## ppsage

I sort of don't think people will get very far using my piece as an example 'cause I go out of my way to cheese off at least one judge every time. And win at least one. If everybody likes it, or here, 4/4, I feel like probably it was a lukeydukey effort. What matters in determining the winner isn't the absolute score a judge gives but where it stands among the scores she gives and how wide the scale is. A judge using more of the scale _will_ have a larger effect on the out come, potentially. As far as what part of the point scale somebody chooses to use, I think I like having one or two real hard asses. Guess we don't want to burst any tenderfeet bubbles though. The only real criticism I would make is that judges should always make a serious effort to phrase the crit on the text and not the person. Not *YOU* did this or that, but *THE TEXT *shows this or that. I know it's kind of formal and sounds a bit funny, but it's indicative of something real important everywhere here at Wriformia, and the LM is a good spot to set the standard.


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## Lewdog

ppsage said:


> I sort of don't think people will get very far using my piece as an example 'cause I go out of my way to cheese off at least one judge every time. And win at least one. If everybody likes it, or here, 4/4, I feel like probably it was a lukeydukey effort. What matters in determining the winner isn't the absolute score a judge gives but where it stands among the scores she gives and how wide the scale is. A judge using more of the scale _will_ have a larger effect on the out come, potentially. As far as what part of the point scale somebody chooses to use, I think I like having one or two real hard asses. Guess we don't want to burst any tenderfeet bubbles though. The only real criticism I would make is that judges should always make a serious effort to phrase the crit on the text and not the person. Not *YOU* did this or that, but *THE TEXT *shows this or that. I know it's kind of formal and sounds a bit funny, but it's indicative of something real important everywhere here at Wriformia, and the LM is a good spot to set the standard.



I think the last point you made is very important.  People should be separated from their pieces so that it doesn't come off as a personal attack.  It's also important because the stories should be judged on their own, and not by each writer's history.


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## J Anfinson

Folcro:



> *...any day of the week: The well-written sentence that preceded this cliche would have sounded so much better without, well, this cliche.
> 
> I don't think she needed to know: I don't think you needed that sentence. *



Nice catches.



> I admire your style--- you're not compelled to jam as many words and description into a sentence as you can. This shows confidence in yourself, and your reader will pick up on it, just as easily as they pick up on insecurity.



Thanks. I don't know if you've read Stephen King's On Writing, but there was one part where he wrote a paragraph about a rabbit in a cage, then asks the reader if they remember what color that rabbit was. He said that 90% of readers probably thought it was white. The thing is, he never said what color the rabbit was. That's just what you wanted the rabbit to look like. I thought he made a great point with that.

Plur:



> Didn’t find some of the dialogue natural or believable. “Yes Ma’am. Jim Stephens. I understand you have a problem?” It’s hard to imagine a ghost-eradicator guy bringing the plumber game to the table.



Lol. I suppose you may have a point. I'm not entirely thrilled with all the dialogue in this either. At some points I struggled to hear what they were saying. The opening was the hardest.



> It reads like he’s going to inspect her furnace.



When I first joined the forum, that would have been insulting. Now I read things like this and giggle. I do see what you're saying, though. You make some great points throughout your entire critique. I don't know why I capitalized "ma'am". Brain fart, I suppose.

Lasm: 

As always, your proficiency with grammar and language shows. That's some great nitpicking. 



> so he doesn’t actually do anything about the ghost? Maybe unless it’s dangerous or something? And I didn’t quite understand why he didn’t tell the widow that the ghost was there.



I'll take that as my failure. What I was trying to convey was that the ghost felt so guilty about the girl that he was re-hanging himself every ten minutes. The MC believes that since the ghost is punishing himself he won't want to leave until he's done with that. And he didn't tell her because he knew it would only upset her to know what kind of torment her husband was putting himself through. Jim's attitude is that sometimes ignorance is bliss. I really wish the word count could be higher. I could have characterized Jim better with a couple hundred more words, I think. 

Leyline:

I think that's the first 20 I've ever gotten from you. I feel all warm and fuzzy now.


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## Pluralized

Some good discussion going on. I'd like to make sure Fin gets his due thanks as well -- Thanks, Fin! Yours can be a thankless job, I'm sure, listening to all the pitchforkers and pork-torchers. Really appreciate the hard work you put in.


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## M. Cull

I had a lot of fun reading people's responses to my story. I have to say, I'm going to listen to my wife's criticism more often. Her response was eerily similar to a lot of the responses you gave, sometimes down to the word. All in all, this was a _great_ experience, and I'll definitely be participating again. Thanks very much to all the judges for the obvious time and care they took in giving their scores. You guys rock.


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## godofwine

J Anfinson said:


> This may be just my opinion, but the biggest issue I had with yours is that you distanced the narrative voice. It could have been so much better if you'd pulled me in close so that it's almost like I'm in the room with him. One way to do that is through giving his thoughts directly. Another thing you can do is increase the use of the five senses. I only found two in your story, sight and hearing. Your story is also mostly backstory, which can sometimes work, but most of the time I think if there's that much to revisit then you're probably starting the story at the wrong point. Anyway, you know the drill--grain of salt and all that. *If you like, I could send you my own critique if you think it would help. Just say the word*.



Dude, I'm yours! Wait, that sounded a lot different in my head (lol, actually watching Arrow, and Felicity Smoak does a lot of these kind of misspoken statements as a part of her character. I think they are funny so you just got one)

I'm here to learn. I'm not a sensitive bitch, either as long as you don't just go HAM on the negative without throwing out any medi-paks. A lot of people enjoy my writings which is great, but I am not so arrogant or ignorant as to act as if my work is flawless and I don't need help. Even examples using like and as - make sure I got it before moving on. I don't mind being treated as a kid at times because, in many ways I am and I am not afraid to admit it. I just had to look up pluperfect, and yes, I know I have a hard time with tense issues as many amateur writers do. 

I have potential, but I don't want to waste it. 4 I ideas I have for novels currently in production are classics in my head, but I need to be able to get them down on paper effectively. To get there I am willing to take all of the help I can get. I wish I lived on the same block as a writer or a retired English teacher like on Finding Forrester


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## thepancreas11

godwofwine, I'd love for you to read and critique my story. How can you get better if you don't get criticism, right? Sometimes I feel harsh giving it, but it's always for the best. My entries got way better from the first competition to the second one and mostly because Cadence gave me the what for. Cadence was right, of course, and I made some serious adjustments. I'm glad Folcro "low-balled" us. I think he was rating them on a publishable scale, probably. I have no problems with that.

I promise that as a judge for future competitions, I'll be as honest and as nitty-gritty as is possible (plus, I recommend being a judge, godofwine).


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## godofwine

Panc, I don't know what to look for. That's the thing. I know a little about grammar, and also when things look a little off, but if I knew what I was doing I would be able to do it myself and thus far I can't. I've got the imagination, a very wild and vivid one, but there is a bit of separation between that and my pages that so far I cannot grasp, though I think I am or am at least getting close. Comments like, "I want to be there, and feel what you are saying but I just can't" or that "Your voice isn't close enoough to the character" I have a considerable distance to go. 

I never had an issue with harsh judging. I welcome it because as you said that is how you get better. I am reminded of Grown Ups 2 when Kevin James' kid saying the alphabet all wrong and his mother saying, "What's great. Awesome." This is what many people have been doing with us much of our lives in school, college or whatever, and not enough people have said, "You're okay, but you need work." The problem when the critic says that NOBODY is good enough to warrant an A or a B and offers only criticism with no constructive criticism for the writer to build upon and improve. It is the equivalent to simply saying, "Wrong!" and having your paper tossed back in your face. The second incorrect way of judging IMO is, "You should have had the MC do this and focus on how "blank" bothered him.  Personally, I would have ended this story exactly where I started it--- in the dumpster of the alley (where you should then pan out). The difference: in the end, Carwell is crying. The guilt has won."

I use this saying often, fire as many shots at my writing as you like, but throw a few medi-paks along the way, otherwise you are just bashing and not helping to improve. 

I will read your entry, though and score it. Stay tuned.


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## stephpend

My first experience with the LM contest and it wasn't half-bad!  I think I'll try this again next month.  My thanks to all the judges for their time and expertise, and to Fin for compiling the scores and everything else he does here.  


Folcro: Ouch!  Just kidding.  Once upon a time I would have sat in a corner, rocking and crying, over a critique like this.  I’m older now and recognize the need for an honest and ultimately helpful critique.  Thank you for helping me get better at this writing stuff 

Pluralized: If the next prompt is Unexpectedly Nude, there will be a lot of nuts and/or ovaries to kick.  I will work on adding flavor.  I suspected I needed to tighten things up, and that was confirmed by you and the other judges.  You suggested getting in her head more and I’m glad you did.  I really like studying and writing about human moments.  I’m not a flash/bang kind of person and this is reflected in my writing.  This is just a jumping off point and can only get better.  Thank you so much for the critique!  

lasm:  Thank you!  I didn’t know I had the same problem with “she” statements as I do with “I” statements.  This is something I will work on.  The lack of background information is something most of the judges pointed out.  I have epic stories in my head and struggle to get it all down, sometimes.  Something else to work on.  Thanks for your critique 

Leyline: Thank you for the comments!  I really appreciate them


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## Folcro

I find it baffling how some are so closed to the presentation of ideas other than their own. Perhaps it should be suggested that the "effect" score, which is by its very definition subjective, be changed to a lower degree, dominated by grammar and syntax. When I feel a story does not have as much effect as it could, I feel I should explain why, because with out that explanation, you know you would ask for it. And so I give it up front. If I don't like what I see, I explain why. 

There are many here who seem so focused on winning the contest, as vehemently as they may deny this. I focus on presenting new ideas that the writer may or may not agree with. If one idea gets through to the writer (or an onlooker, as all stories and judgements are public) then I have done my job.

And your quite welcome, stephpend. Even the best writers can go 650 words or even 6,000 without producing anything groundbreaking (see Tommyknockers). It means nothing. Only practice.


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## Terry D

stephpend said:


> My first experience with the LM contest and it wasn't half-bad!  I think I'll try this again next month.  My thanks to all the judges for their time and expertise, and to Fin for compiling the scores and everything else he does here.



For all the newer writers entering, or contemplating entering the LM; remember, the judging of the LM is by no means a 'panel of experts' with any profound knowledge of writing. Some of our gracious judges have more experience than do others, but their opinion are simply that; opinion. As a former judge I know that everyone approaches this with the best of intentions, and their opinion has value, but no more so than any other reader. If a suggestion is made about your entry, consider it, try it, but for heaven-sake don't think of it as an absolute truth.  



Folcro said:


> I find it baffling how some are so closed to the presentation of ideas other than their own. Perhaps it should be suggested that the "effect" score, which is by its very definition subjective, be changed to a lower degree, dominated by grammar and syntax.



In my opinion, this would be the worst possible change. I value the Effect score above all others. SPaG is a learned skill which can be easily improved by study and practice, and Voice is a characteristic of writing which develops over time (like wrinkles and gray hair). The soul of fiction is the Effect it has on a reader. To lessen the weight of that criteria would be to neuter the competition. You achieve an effect by telling a story, and story is _everything_. In my opinion.


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## Folcro

Terry D said:


> In my opinion, this would be the worst possible change. I value the Effect score above all others. SPaG is a learned skill which can be easily improved by study and practice, and Voice is a characteristic of writing which develops over time (like wrinkles and gray hair). The soul of fiction is the Effect it has on a reader. To lessen the weight of that criteria would be to neuter the competition. You achieve an effect by telling a story, and story is _everything_.



Oh, I agree completely. It just seems that it would be the only solution for some who feel the subjective nature of the competition can be dangerous.


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## godofwine

Folcro said:


> I find it baffling how some are so closed to the presentation of ideas other than their own. Perhaps it should be suggested that the "effect" score, which is by its very definition subjective, be changed to a lower degree, dominated by grammar and syntax. When I feel a story does not have as much effect as it could, I feel I should explain why, because with out that explanation, you know you would ask for it. And so I give it up front. If I don't like what I see, I explain why.
> 
> There are many here who seem so focused on winning the contest, as vehemently as they may deny this. I focus on presenting new ideas that the writer may or may not agree with. If one idea gets through to the writer (or an onlooker, as all stories and judgements are public) then I have done my job.
> 
> And your quite welcome, stephpend. Even the best writers can go 650 words or even 6,000 without producing anything groundbreaking (see Tommyknockers). It means nothing. Only practice.



It is not that we don't appreciate your ideas, we do. But we know what we want our stories to say that I should have made the MC cry to show the conflicting emotion rather than showing the physical emotion by means of kicking a can or punching a wall. We understand that you are a different kind of writer, and that is great, but what we are here for is to improve what WE do well, not to write more like the way that you would have written it. I don't care how long your explanation of what my errors are or even if you must send me an email highlighting points that could say what I am saying better without transforming my voice into yours. 

Are we trying to win? You damn skippy (yeah, I know, some other decade called and asked for their word back) I want to win, but I also want to improve and try to tackle both with every entry. With the way you score makes it impossible be as your scores are 6-11 points behind the leading judge, and that is a helluva lot of yaw. I can learn how to write better, but I am never going to write like you - ever. You have your style, your voice, and I have mine. If folks weren't here to win the entries would simply be critiqued and not scored. I hate to envoke the memory of former Jets Coach Herm Edwards, "Hello! You play to win the game! You don't play it just to play it."

I believe that I speak for those that you have judged the harshest if not all of us, show me how to improve my voice, what am I lacking specifically? How can I enhance my effect? I know it isn't written the way that you would have, but how could I increase the power and depth of my effect? Show examples, hell - PM them or post them here. I don't care about being put on blast. I'm a big boy. If I improve to the point where my novel is a NYT Best Seller then it will have been worth it and that is the dream. I joined this site to improve as a writer. 

Am I using improper synonyms? In this month's entry I used "bawling maniacally" when crying hystarically probably would have been a more suitable. I got that from you *Bawling maniacally:* I would choose a more solemn description of a woman about to lose her husband. Even though the two are similar words, maniacaly is a much harsher term and when describing a woman crying as she visits her husband the day before he is to be put to death hysterically fits better. For me especially and many folks here, the slam/teach method is a much more effective technique and teaching is the point of emphasis. Show me words or ways that what I wrote took away from my entry, which maniacally instead of hysterically certainly did. It isn't that we are closed to the presentation of ideas that aren't our own, but this is our stories, not yours. 

I believe that you must judge teaching us to enhance what we already do well versus making it your story. I believe that judging is less about presenting new ideas  as it is about pointing out the hazily described necessary details, plot holes (as seen in any Michael Bay movie), pointing out things that didn't make sense, but also putting yourself in the position of the MC. I use the December contest as an example. I tried to write it as seen through the 3rd person view of a cop entering his house that was burglarized with the perp potentially still in the house. Having watched many a police drama I wanted it very procedural and structured, but you did not seem to enjoy it at all, nor get the point of any of the procedures I used and I thought I was as detailed as 650 words would allow. I need to get closer, once I find out what the hell that means and how to do it, but I am trying. But I also want to win, and that is very hard to do with your scores which are an the "F" range. In this contest alone there were 19 entries and you scored a total of 238 points ranging from one 17 score and one 5 for an average of 12.53 or 63%. The average grade of the 19 entries here was an "F" or a D- in some states with no A's, 2 B's, and the 17 C's D's and F's. That is pretty bad, bro.


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## Folcro

But this isn't a school. I don't know why you and several others keep running back to that example. Giving something a 10/20 is like giving a movie 2 stars, making it "mediocre." And since my score is actually better than that, you could make the argument that I am in fact lenient.  And by your own admission (5-17) I went higher than I did low.

I'm not trying to make you use my voice. If that were the case, I would have to assume that I am the only person who critiques your work, which would make me a fool. I understand that I am one in many people just presenting my idea. I'm not always a teacher explaining what I think is right, but a writer explaining my personal way of doing things. I don't flood my critiques with "in my opinion" or "this is just my personal style, you don't have to take it" because I believe the writer to be mature and smart enough to know that to be true.  I am not the dominating force in any writer's life, nor do I want to be. It is for that reason that I blur the line between my personal style and what I believe to be actual good technical writing.  

And no, you do not speak for everybody. My methods, like an individual's writing, does not work for everybody. If not for you, ignore it. Many who I critique are very grateful and express liberation at the different angle of the work with which I provide them, and wouldn't want me to change the way I do things.  

That is why I will not.


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## Terry D

Telling a judge how to judge is like telling a writer how to write; it just ain't gonna work. Judges look for different things just like editors look for different things in submissions. Having a more critical judge might be good practice for the real world of submitting your work.


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## ppsage

There’s a big difference, I think, between critiquing in the workshop, which IS for educational purpose, and judging, which, we see, is not. The workshop posting author expects and values not only what the commenter thinks is GOOD about the writing, but also what the commentator LIKES about the writing. Certainly I want to get SPaG and syntax and structure _ideas_ but I’m also interested in _emotional_ reaction. The format in the workshop allows these two judgments to be distinguished in expression and valuation. The critiquing commenter is always careful to say when she’s _going by her gut._ The *JUDGE* on the other hand, in her role as arbiter of a contest, has only one meaningful mode of valuation: awarding scores. There is a sort of agreement between the contestants and the judges that the latter will make an honest attempt to distinguish between what she can see is GOOD and what she merely LIKES, and to base her evaluations on the former. It’s understood that AN HONEST ATTEMPT has no ultimate definition. That’s why they call it judging. On the other hand, if the judge often finds herself writing _I always hate it when…_ she had maybe better consider changing that to _I think it’s considered better writing if…_


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## Folcro

ppsage said:


> On the other hand, if the judge often finds herself writing _I always hate it when…_ she had maybe better consider changing that to _I think it’s considered better writing if…_



Still, that is just saying the same thing in perhaps a more political way. A good choice? Perhaps. But no different as far as functionality is concerned.

It seems to me that not only is the contest based on what a judge likes, but even more so than the workshop, and is written by the fact that _effect_ (pure, unadulterated opinion) takes up twice as much power as the SPaG. 

Would it be better if the score were more dynamic or otherwise changed? I don't know. I, for one, merely follow the guidelines as they are.


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## Deleted member 49710

Folcro said:
			
		

> that is just saying the same thing in perhaps a more political way.



No, there is in fact a big difference between asking yourself what you like and what is good writing. For example, according to two of your crits, you don't enjoy present tense narration. That's your preference. But that doesn't mean that present tense narration is actually _bad_. 

Saying things in "a more political way" is, at any rate, an excellent skill to learn.


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## Folcro

lasm said:


> Saying things in "a more political way" is, at any rate, an excellent skill to learn.



I didn't mean to imply that it was not, only that sage's suggestion seemed to be one of functionality instead of wording. To say "I hate" is still not saying something is bad, but another way of saying "I don't think it's good writing," which is what I was trying to articulate to sage.

And yes, I personally dislike and discourage present tense narration. I don't believe I ever took points off for it though. If I did, well, it just doesn't have the same _effect_ for me as the more traditional form, which I am asked to honestly articulate.


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## ppsage

> Still, that is just saying the same thing in perhaps a more political way. A good choice? Perhaps. But *no different as far as functionality is concerned*.


One might consider whether this belief mightn't be a disqualification to judging. Perhaps for lack of imagination? Do no qualifications exist? At a minimum, agreeing to try to be what gets called, *impartial*? _I hate pieces which I find sentimental_, which would have included a goodly portion of the last challenge. I would have had to read some of those many times, to get over my aversion. I’m certain that I would have done that, and found some of them good. After judging a while I came to know which I’d have troubles with and how to deal with that fairly.

I do not dis-value in the slightest, _being more politic_, when it comes to the interpretation of agreements. Seems to me a necessary thing?


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## stephpend

To be honest, I didn't thank Folcro for his comments.  I thought some of it was unnecessarily harsh and he didn't seem to like any of the work.  I thanked him because it proved to me that I can handle harsh criticism.  I stopped writing for a long time because I'm a pretty damn sensitive chick and thought that criticism would crush me.  It didn't.  Not a tear was shed and there was none of that familiar sick feeling in my stomach.  How 'bout that?  Next stop: submitting work for publishing.  Had the other judges been as harsh, I probably would be curled up in the fetal position for a week.  I get that in the real world not everyone is going to like what I write and there will be a lot of harsh criticism.  That's fine as long as there is a compliment thrown in there, too.  If I am constantly slammed, I'm likely to go back to writing in my head where no one can find it.  Joining this forum is a baby step in a direction I want to take.  I'm assuming this is a place for help, as well as a place to find support and encouragement.  I think it was the lack of encouragement from Folcro's critique that bothered me most, but it didn't bother me enough to keep me from trying again in March.

The scores are used for ranking, am I right?  If that's the case then I am tied for 13th place with Midnightpoet.  If Folcro bumped up his scores evenly, I'd still be tied for 13th place.  Maybe I am not as chafed by the score itself because this is my first time, or maybe I don't care because everyone scored low across the board.  Whatever.  The point is, the person who won would have won anyway, as well they should.


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## Folcro

For the record, and I do hope this does not offend anybody: I do not see it as my job to encourage anybody, nor, of course, as my job to discourage. I am not interested in playing any balancing games. I am interested in telling the writer what I feel, so that they have an accurate representation of what one element of the public believes. All writers, even the best, can go 650 words or a hundred times as many without producing something good. If a judge doesn't like it, it is neither the writer nor the judge who should be blamed. The writer may come to the conclusion that the judge is either right, or simply not the audience for their work. As far as winning the contest is concerned, or in what place you "rank", so long as the judge is fair and consistent, there is no harm done.


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## Kyle R

Folcro's judging has been consistent from what I've seen. He may be harsh, but he's equally harsh to all contestants, so everything is fair.

It's a lot of work to be a judge and he puts in the time and effort. If you disagree with his judging, that's okay. There are multiple judges in each LM to give a broad range of responses. 

Personally, I disagree with anyone who doesn't give me a 20 out of 20 every time.  (Just kidding! I'm okay with a 19 out of 20 here and there... ) But I keep my disagreements to myself and thank the judges for their time and consideration.

I disagree with all the professional markets that send me form rejections too, but maybe there's a lesson somewhere in there.


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## Folcro

KyleColorado said:


> Personally, I disagree with anyone who doesn't give me a 20 out of 20 every time.  (Just kidding! I'm okay with a 19 out of 20 here and there... )



There is actually truth to that for many contestants. And it is understandable. I enter every setting expecting for people to love what I've produced. It happens more often now than it used to, but still not always, and is highly disappointing when it does not. I understand the sensitivity of being a writer, but me, this is how I learned: with tough love. And I love the writer I became. I want that for others. If it doesn't work for you? Ignore me. If it does, enjoy it. I truly believe I can help you.

And yes, the form rejections feel dismissive but it is a matter of practicality. If I had to go through as much stuff as some of these big houses did, I might not have a choice myself. It stinks, but it is what it is.


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## Gavrushka

Part of the reason I entered this month was because Folcro was judging. - I use the competition to try out different things (this time it was floral sentences - the story was something to hang them on).

I'd wanted to ask one specific question of him, but the conversation seems to have drifted away from the competition entrants (which I thought was the focus).

Anyway, I'll ask it now:

I'd used tranquillity rather than tranquil, as it was meant to illustrate a personification of the heart, and carried it onwards with the rightly maligned 'caged beast'.  - Was I mistaken with this? - I was told by someone who read prior to posting that it should been tranquil, but they conceded when I explained my intent.

I'm judging this month, but I'll be sure to enter again in future when I see a board of judges who were rejected by the Spanish Inquisition for being too harsh.


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## Folcro

Hey Gavrushka--- I might have been more tentative toward that particular decision than I let on. I'm not sure if it affected your score. I see now what you mean, but I still don't think it works. Let me give you an example: "The music, cadence a moment ago..." "The music hall, cadence a moment ago..." The second one _might_ have gotten past me, as you are describing an atmosphere or a state of being, and not a specific thing. Had you said "his emotions, cadence a moment ago..." again, _might _have gotten past me. But I think it would have worked better were you describing "the state of my heart," which still would not have worked in that sentence as you would be describing a state of being in one part, and then the literal thing in the other. Even though a heart _can_ be both, I don't think it translated right the way you worded it.

An interesting piece, as yours always are--- if I haven't made mention of that already.


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## Gavrushka

Ah thank you.  

The score is of no consequence, but the lessons learned are an education I'd never forego.


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## InkwellMachine

Oh wow. I'm pretty surprised to have placed at all, if I'm honest. The piece was poorly-constructed rubbish at best. Its only saving grace was in the narrator's voice, and even that I sort of despised.

Thank you for your generosity in terms of scoring.

*Folcro: 
-*While I can see where a lot of people are coming from in regards to your low scoring, I really like to think that saving 18-20's for the real masterpieces out there is sort of justified. We're used to scoring based on comparisons within our community, and you're just giving us a broader standard. So I can appreciate that, and I think, in the grand scheme of things, 13 is probably more than my piece deserves.
-I only really disagree with one of your suggestions.I think it would have been far to vague to say that "a man was caught doing things with his horse." There's a plethora of despicable things someone could think to do with an animal, and although the reader could probably intuit the meaning of the sentence, I prefer to write it in a way that requires less consideration on the reader's behalf. It would have slowed the mental flow of the narrative, and for this particular piece--which is narrated in a somewhat conversational manner--I feel that would have been a mistake. Other than that the critique stood up pretty well in my opinion. Particularly the Morrowind reference. I hadn't even thought of that.
-I didn't quite get the "son of Papa" title, but you're right. This piece was a bit odd for me. I'll admit, I was reading Gaiman's brilliant _The Ocean at "The End of The Lane," _and the lovely, folksy tone that is present in some parts of the novel may have influenced my choice of setting. That and I just took almost no time to plane the piece. I wrote it at two in the morning.
*
Gave a plural form to:
*-Thank you, thank you. That's a mighty generous score considering how I personally would have scored the piece. The horse-lovin' was pretty key to the plot progression, so I'm glad you enjoyed that bit.
-I agree with you on all the religious stuff. It's too underplayed to seem significant, so it just looks like a silly plot device. And that's kind of what it was. As for the starving to death while falling, I remember smiling all stupid at that idea. It's so terrible, and so lovely.
*
Lasm:
*-Ah, of course. I just recently hammered the difference between _lay_ and _lie_ into my head. I'm surprised I missed this. How infuriating.
-I was personally worried a lot about the narrator's voice. It seemed a bit too underplayed to feel genuine, but I guess a lot of the nuances come in the articulation, not the words themselves. And filling the prose with all sorts of conjunctions and apostrophe-filled jargon would have felt like a sin, since there's no dialogue in the piece.
-I agree with you entirely. It was mostly descriptive until I have those last four paragraphs. The story could possibly have been excellent if I did all the explication in memory as opposed to mingling it in with the action as I did.
*
Leyline:
*-Thanks, thanks. I hadn't really thought of the commentary aspect of the piece, but that's part of the beauty of literature--it's so very up to the reader to interpret things like purpose and tertiary imagery.
*
Fin:
*-Thank you for all the hard work you do organizing these contests. They really mean a lot to me. They keep me thinking about the quality of my writing and force questions upon me that I may not have otherwise asked. Keep up the good work.


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## Folcro

Hey Inkwell,

My suggestion for the horse was because I personally knew exactly what you meant before the sentence ended, and found further explanation to ruin the humor of it. That was my personal feeling anyway. And the papa reference was just my being haughty, as I usually think very highly of your productions. What I thought of your piece this month in no way reflects how I see you as a writer. But I believe you knew that already.

If I wrote a story in the same conditions as you did this, it would have turned out a lot worse. It may not have turned out at all.


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## Lewdog

My unexpectedly nude story is going to involve a judge that wakes up nude and covered in tar and feathers.  Do you think that will follow the prompt?

:coffeescreen:


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## Folcro

Lewdog said:


> My unexpectedly nude story is going to involve a judge that wakes up nude and covered in tar and feathers.  Do you think that will follow the prompt?
> 
> :coffeescreen:



Thank God I'm not going to be judging this month then. :victorious:


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## Bruno Spatola

InkwellMachine said:


> I'm pretty surprised to have placed at all, if I'm honest. The piece was poorly-constructed rubbish at best.



Good sir, why, may I ask, would you submit a piece you deemed unworthy of daylight? Is this a trait one should more readily harbor as a writer? To propel our self-professed refuse into the faces of others, or am I to think you decided your work was, "poorly-constructed rubbished" after the event?

I dunno why I'm talking like that.


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## Folcro

Bruno Spatola said:


> Good sir, why, may I ask, would you submit a piece you deemed unworthy of daylight? Is this a trait one should more readily harbor as a writer? To propel our self-professed refuse into the faces of others, or am I to think you decided your work was, "poorly-constructed rubbished" after the event?



The purpose of the contest is to see what people think about your work. Maybe Inkwell wanted to know _how_ his work did not add up. A contestant should have to worry about his writing no more than a judge should have to worry about his judging. Each judge has his standards, each contestant has his. Some people just want to be involved. Nothing wrong with that at all.


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## Lewdog

Bruno Spatola said:


> Good sir, why, may I ask, would you submit a piece you deemed unworthy of daylight? Is this a trait one should more readily harbor as a writer? To propel our self-professed refuse into the faces of others, or am I to think you decided your work was, "poorly-constructed rubbished" after the event?
> 
> I dunno why I'm talking like that.



See it's a method that maybe you are not aware of.  If you submit a bunch of poorly written pieces, then people start to lower their standards of expectation on your pieces.  So then one month you decide you want to win, you write an average or better piece, and all the judges are like, "Wow!  That is so much better than usual.  That's a great story!"  Voila!  High scores and ribbon poked through your lapel.


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## Bruno Spatola

Yeah, I was joking. 

Cool stories everyone, by the way. I was going to enter this one, but I didn't finish in time. Some of you enter so many of these competitions it's kind of ridiculous. I've managed to get stories done for only two of them in over three years. The output is astonishing to me.


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## Folcro

Bruno Spatola said:


> Cool stories everyone, by the way. I was going to enter this one, but I didn't finish in time. Some of you enter so many of these competitions it's kind of ridiculous. I've managed to get stories done for only two of them in over three years. The output is astonishing to me.



Probably just means you put a lot of thought into your work, just watch out for apprehension. Too much thought can be blinding. I really hope you make it this time.


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## Jon M

Only about fourteen more posts until the Bubbles thread is eclipsed. It's been fun following along. Keep up the shenanigans, you crazy kids. 

P.S. You was robbed, Mr. Sage.


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## spartan928

Jon M said:


> P.S. You was robbed, Mr. Sage.



Yeah, I was surprised there too. But hey, I didn't judge right? Hats off to you all, and kudos for the wnners. Great submissions this month for sure. Really enjoyed the writing.


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## ppsage

I would like to reiterate here, before I get on with my diplomacy, that I really am more pleased to be tied for fifth with a 20 and a 9, than I would be winning with straight 17's or whatever. If any don't believe this, they might not know me well, and might be projecting a bit. I am pretty able to delude myself into thinking my ideas are more important than reality, and I have it in my head that 20/9 is way harder to achieve than a winning average. Try it, bet you can't do it. It's the niche I made, and I'm going to lie in it. (Hope I got the conjugation right, nothing worse than an improperly conjugated mixed metaphor cliche.) It takes knowing the judges, though not specifically necessarily, and I couldn't do it without them. Certainly couldn't do it if everybody's lowest score was 14 or so.


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## InkwellMachine

Everything deserves a chance.

And I dare say there's more to learn from writing a bad piece than writing a good one.


EDIT:for some reason my phone won't let me quote you, BrunoSpatola. But this was in response to your question.


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## stephpend

Folcro said:


> For the record, and I do hope this does not offend anybody: I do not see it as my job to encourage anybody, nor, of course, as my job to discourage.



Fair enough.  



Folcro said:


> I am not interested in playing any balancing games. I am interested in telling the writer what I feel, so that they have an accurate representation of what one element of the public believes.  All writers, even the best, can go 650 words or a hundred times as many without producing something good. If a judge doesn't like it, it is neither the writer nor the judge who should be blamed. The writer may come to the conclusion that the judge is either right, or simply not the audience for their work.



I certainly didn't mean to sound like I don't appreciate the time you took.  It just bothered me that there was no bone thrown my way.  Why shouldn't it?  Was it really that bad?  I agree with some of your comments, sure.  It's not the best I've done, nor is it the worst.  It simply took me by surprise that you were...well, there is no other word for it: mean.  I'm all for constructive criticism.  Parts of your critique seemed antagonistic, not constructive in the least.  But, take my reaction for whatever it's worth.  It's a normal, human reaction.  

That said, I stand by my earlier comment.  It was hard to read the criticism, but I was able to take it in stride.  Again, thank you for that.  It's good practice for me.




Folcro said:


> As far as winning the contest is concerned, or in what place you "rank", so long as the judge is fair and consistent, there is no harm done.



I agree.  If a judge scores consistently on all the entries, it doesn't change the end result.



Overall, I gained a lot from this experience.  I won't shy away from the competition if the same panel of judges are used.


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## Folcro

stephpend said:


> That said, I stand by my earlier comment.  It was hard to read the criticism, but I was able to take it in stride.  Again, thank you for that.  It's good practice for me.



Then you have everything you need to become the greatest writer who ever lived.


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## Dictarium

Just a few notes on the current conversation:

1. Folcro is right. It does not matter whether he sees 10 or 15 as the norm. We're all used to seeing 75% as the norm on grading scales because in school if you only know half the material you don't know it very well. He could change his scale to a 1 to 5 and as long as he's consistent, while it'd bring everyone's grade down, it would not affect the winners.

2. On the topic of criticism and how politically correct one must be, "i hate when x" or "i can't stand y" is generally poor criticism. It's not the idea of being politically correct or being polite -- though I'll get to that -- but rather that when you make it all about you and your opinion and use words which represent a radical opinion, the writer is more likely to assume you're marginalized in your beliefs and that your criticism is less valid, not because of who you are as a person, but because your opinion now appears a niche one they don't have to "pander" to.

3. Niceness does, however, go a long way. If you can find a more polite way to say a given thing it is likely going to result in people being more receptive to your criticism. Sugar-coating is not what I'm talking about; avoiding "i hate x" statements _is_. You can say that it is not your job to be nice or encouraging and you are correct, but it is also not your job to not curse at people and shove them in public. We tend to avoid these things cause they're generally indecent and make others upset, something all people should generally avoid.

TL;DR: Disputing his numbers, as long as he's consistent, is futile because it literally doesn't matter. Percentages are irrelevant. However, critiques appealing more to ethos than to pathos are generally ineffective and if you, as a judge, don't care about being ineffective and don't care about giving quality, effective feedback, then I'm confused why you're judging.


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## ppsage

lasm said:
			
		

> *3*
> 
> Ten Minutes on the Weyline with Sheila: Tangl3, a synoptic tale, by ppsage
> 
> SPaG: 4.5
> Only a couple small errors in the English; errors in the French are noted (how could I resist?) but will not affect your score.
> fulsome décolleté -- décolleté is an adjective, the noun is décolletage
> les intellectuel errant-- un intellectuel errant ; or if for some reason you want plural, les intellectuels errants; though in an Enlightenment context, one would probably say philosophe rather than intellectuel. While I’m being pedantic, the Mlle. contraction would be used in front of the name but by itself, the word should be spelled out and not capitalized. (Using that MA, I am...)


 
Not that I could do it on purpose, but there is a little bit of a joke in the French being incorrect, there for those few in the know. Anyway, when I write it, I assume there will be errors. Would be a great joke, if I got judging demerits for it too. (Maybe I did.) Also grateful to hear what’s correct. Doubt it will stick.



> it's magnificence diminishes --its (possessive); it’s = contraction of it is


*ITS ITS ITS ITS ITS *(memo; never use this contraction. Also, spank the grammar checker.)



> droppi n's -- now here is a punctuation conundrum for which I do not have an easy solution. So you’re abbreviating dropping to droppin’ and then making that plural... it looks awful, I must say, but is it wrong? I honestly don’t know. I searched a bit and found no definitive answer. I do know, however, that in the rest of his dialogue Trader Joe consistently pronounces the final consonant of -ing. So really, he should just say “droppings” and spare us this headache.


 
Debated this a while… not so much the spelling, that’s going to be a joke anyway. (There’s some danger around Wriformia maybe, in promotion of the overly tidy.) In the end the vocals—_demigod droppin’s—_proved irresistible. I might try to say that Joe has established this much breadth of voice, even on this tiny stage. And he’s in the west, under that cowboy sky?



> Tone & Voice: 4.5
> Unmistakable, really, so how can I complain, but I will. There were moments when I was not sure if Joe’s thoughts were being included as indirect discourse. In particular, ”tits” seems generally below the narrator’s typical register, so I thought this might be Joe’s line, but didn’t feel sure.


 
I could tone this up with _boobs?_ I see what you’re saying about conflating the two voices. Is it that bad? I think Joe’s thoughts are always formally segregated by punctuation and tags, which I count on to eliminate undue confusion. (Trying always to sow due confusion; a fine line, I know.) I see the narrative register as wider here than Joe’s, with his bounds inside its. (I like calling these registers! I advocate consciously modulating them.) 



> Effect: 8.5
> Enjoyed the humor and style of this overall, though I’m slightly acquainted with Trader Joe already, so got more of the references than someone else might on first encounter. Makes it sort of difficult to judge effect, in a sense, because the effect on me is, I’m almost certain, greater than on someone with no context. And should not a story stand on its own, be comprehensible or at least appreciable on some level, even if not entirely? Something to consider and I’m knocking your score down just a tad for that reason.


 
Big problem writing these, I guess. I do make effort for them to stand alone as much as I can, as someone who’s way the most familiar with them. Far as I know there’s no rule, either preventing continuing characters or prohibiting down-grading for them. Although at minus-one-point-five per pop, I will eventually reach disqualification territory.



> Not sure if we judges should feel flattered or mocked as part of your inspiration; I will assume a bit of both, but both only lightly. Very fun.


 
Not positive I’m getting the reference here but I guess it must be that Mlle. Sheila is bored? Somebody’s got to try to make some fun, in a world where a mere ten minutes can bring such a load of sorrowful sentimentality and loss. That’s where I was pointing that, actually, but bored judges is a nice bonus.

I much appreciate the comments. These are presented pretty specifically as explanations of the scoring, which is doubly informative, but my responses aren’t intended to be addressing that aspect in any way. Except maybe as fodder for meaningless, jocular excess. In appreciatyion, pp.


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## Lewdog

Is this the point where we give you scores on how you scored yourself?  :read:


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## ppsage

Lewdog said:


> Is this the point where we give you scores on how you scored yourself?  :read:


Just trying to follow precident
follow precident.
(the different fonts distinguish between judge (this is lasm) commentary and my response)
Thought that would be clearer. I'll do the grunt coding though.


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## Lewdog

ppsage said:


> Just trying to follow precident
> follow precident.
> (the different fonts distinguish between judge (this is lasm) commentary and my response)
> Thought that would be clearer. I'll do the grunt coding though.



I'm just giving you a little rub in jest.  I think anyone that has entered the LM on a regular basis has gotten a score that they, and other thought it was not deserving.  I remember one where I got 17 and up from three judges and an 8 or lower from the 4th judge because I didn't get the words to a song correct.  That 4th judge's score took me from placing, to being towards the bottom.  It happens.  :-D


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## ppsage

Lewdog said:


> I'm just giving you a little rub in jest.  I think anyone that has entered the LM on a regular basis has gotten a score that they, and other thought it was not deserving.  I remember one where I got 17 and up from three judges and an 8 or lower from the 4th judge because I didn't get the words to a song correct.  That 4th judge's score took me from placing, to being towards the bottom.  It happens.  :-D


I know!!!! I can't believe how much she knocked off just because I used these characters before!? I really don't think there's a rule for that. Some of her other points are good though, and I thought I'd try to see if she'd open up a little more and tell what she really thinks. I might get this right, someday, if I keep trying.

(That fourth judge wasn't me, was it? I would probably have looked up the words to check on you.)


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## Deleted member 49710

Hey ppsage, glad if anything I wrote was useful. I figured it would be lame to count off for French errors. Some might think that any inclusion of French is an error, since there is a widely held belief that French is a pretentious language for elitists, but as soon as a homeless French drunk flashes you in the park, you learn better.

For boobs, probably I was thinking breasts (that being a commonly accepted and polite term), but there are many synonyms I'm sure would be more fun. 

Thought that usage of the word "pluralized" and "Weylines" (rather than waylines) and the French were references to us judges. Wasn't sure how Folcro worked in but thought it might have gone over my head. If so, feel free to explain for us ignorami.

Any other mysteries I may elucidate, let me know.



> I know!!!! I can't believe how much she knocked off just because I used these characters before!? I really don't think there's a rule for that.



No rule. Pure evil heartless dictatorship.


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## Lewdog

ppsage said:


> I know!!!! I can't believe how much she knocked off just because I used these characters before!? I really don't think there's a rule for that. Some of her other points are good though, and I thought I'd try to see if she'd open up a little more and tell what she really thinks. I might get this right, someday, if I keep trying.
> 
> (That fourth judge wasn't me, was it? I would probably have looked up the words to check on you.)



I was a little off on my scores earlier.  I had a 15,16,19, and finally a 9 (You know who you are!  ).  Lasm won with a score of 18.  So even if I would have gotten a 20 instead of a 9 I couldn't have won.  It's no biggie, sometimes judges just see some things different.  It just means when I decide to judge now I'll have to Google all the music references!


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## ppsage

> Thought that usage of the word "pluralized" and "Weylines" (rather than waylines) and the French were references to us judges.


Doh! Weylines were inspired by ley lines, which I originally looked up because of Leyline, but long before this contest or composition. I've used the salon setting before, but long ago and maybe at another forum. I don't remember off my head where pluralized was in it, but maybe I did that one on purpose a little bit.


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## rockoo315

I'd like to thank the judges for their honest opinions and critiques.  I still have a lot of work to do with my writing, but it seems like the humour aspect of my stories is something I should stick with.  Honestly, I'm surprised I got the highest score from Folcro especially considering it's almost double from the last critique in December.


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## Lewdog

rockoo315 said:


> I'd like to thank the judges for their honest opinions and critiques.  I still have a lot of work to do with my writing, but it seems like the humour aspect of my stories is something I should stick with.  Honestly, I'm surprised I got the highest score from Folcro especially considering it's almost double from the last critique in December.



Sorry man, you just used up all your Folcro points for the whole year.


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## Folcro

rockoo315 said:


> Honestly, I'm surprised I got the highest score from Folcro especially considering it's almost double from the last critique in December.



Many make the tragic mistake of pigeon-holing themselves into one review they got from one small story they wrote. 650 words is not going to represent a writer in his entirety. I don't judge writers, only stories. And I give the better scores to the better ones. It's just that simple.


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## godofwine

lewdog said:


> sorry man, you just used up all your folcro points for the whole year.



roflmao


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## ppsage

Plur said:
			
		

> The Trader gets even better, and still leaves me with stuff to ponder on. So glad to read this, and the scripture reference which, had you written in as a foreword, somehow could’ve come through as your voice as well (NKJV, http://biblia.com/bible/nkjv/Lk1.1-4 ). Damn, what’s that saying!


My New Testament professor doesn’t allow King James into class. Too many mistakes, totally unreliable version. Try this. The bible is changing a lot and, if you ask me, it’s important to keep up.



> So I think the most redeeming quality of these ongoing works, to me, is how you can send Joe and whatever form Sheila wants to take off into the different worlds and scenes. This time to the desert, where the tone takes to the French, and Mlle Sheila takes on de Scudery. A wee bit of reading up on de Scudery tells me she was an amazing person, lived to be ninety-three, had an amazingly well-rounded education (despite not being royalty nor particularly wealthy), and never married. What a perfectly obscure choice! I commend you on this delicious and brilliant decision. Looking at the few portraits available online, she looks like a tough lady who probably brooked little bullshit. I’m off to a fantasy world, one where you’re surrounded by portraits of obscure historical figures, and your revenge for their dirty, judgmental looks is to write them into Joe’s slime-fest.


What really tickled me about this is that _blue stockings_ were originally a sign of the most radical elements of society. I find the role of the solons in the evolution of liberal society is one of history’s finest jokes. Not sure I’m just taking revenge on them. 



> Trying to figure out what a bymytheum is proved futile. I like the source of the supraluminal energy being obscure though.


Bymytheum is evolved dilitheum. 



> Some awesome lines in this thing, particularly describing the rocks in the desert. I can’t say I caught every ball you threw out there, probably more than half got away, but it’s a lot of fun reading these entries. For the most part, I am really impressed with your word geometry. Nothing wasted, and little fluff. Lots of density, though dialed slightly back from Fat Joke, where I first encountered this Joe series of yours. “Celebrate myself a successful cruise…” I don’t know why, but that piece of dialogue stuck in my head and I’ve thought about the construction of that sentence more than I probably care to admit.


Reminds me to go back there myself and listen. Could be the biggest factor in the geometry, is the LM and itsitsitsitsitsits brevity. Although the internet is a big factor probably, in compressing composition overall.



> Found only one little, insignificant nit: it’s vs its.


Wonder if I can find a phrase, where _its _and_ it’s_ are interchangeable?



> That’s all I have. The Weyline thing will take some more thinking, and I’m kind of hoping you’ll establish at least some kind of legend or key for us regarding some of these concepts. Maybe I should know what a Weyline is, or at least be a better pretender…guessing it’s some kind of quick-transport thing taking them to various locales in a hurry and in the most outlandish way possible?


Weylines are not ley lines but the principle sort of holds for starters and ought to be enough to get by on for a bit.



> Good show, made smoke come out of my ears and other orifices like usual. Always happy to read your entries, and thanks for taking part.


Probably can’t ever get enough of commentary as rambling paean, although it just encourages me.


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## escorial

well done


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## Pluralized

> Wonder if I can find a phrase, where its and it’s are interchangeable?



The court demanded its fine; *it's* fine.

I got nothin'.


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## Jamie

Been laughing for a good 10 minutes now at the scores for Potty's entry. I was nearly in tears when reading some of the judges comments.

Sorry Potty, absolutely no offence intended, it just tickled me that two lines could be given a score in double figures. Crazy days. Crazy, crazy days.


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## Pluralized

But it was just so damn witty! Plus, the guy's name is Potty, for the love of fugu.


----------

