# Current opening of 'Deadlock Carter' (rather graphic)



## Jeko (Nov 26, 2012)

So I've been working on how to open my YA novel for quite a while now. This is probably what I'm going to go for. 

Any feedback welcome!

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I woke up one morning to find my cat had committed suicide on the front porch. Very messy. And worst of all, I’d have to clean it up. 

Sigh!

Why didn’t I deal with it there and then? It might have been the blood. However she'd killed herself, she'd killed herself good. She had lots of big cuts on her arms and legs and chest and a massive gash across her neck. The wooden boards were soaked blood-red and some of her mangy fur was coming off in clumps and sticking to the red stuff. Gross! Not that I thought she was any worse than before, being dead and all, but I didn’t want to go near anything like that. It left little to the imagination. She’d annihilated herself.

How did I know she’d committed suicide? There was an empty bottle of pills beside her, lying in the blood. She’d tried to overdose herself and it hadn’t worked. But why? Our vet spent every living moment stressing about the millions of things we mustn’t let anywhere near our cat. Why did she have to _mutilate _herself just to bite the dust? It didn’t make any sense.

So instead of getting a dustpan and brush, or a mop, or whatever you use to clean up cat corpses, I got mum. And she screamed like hell was poking her up her ass. Then it was Charley’s turn, and she spent the next five hours hyperventilating in the kitchen while Jordan tried to calm her down. She was about as desensitised as Tinky Winky. About as coherent too. She needed Jordan to set this straight. 

Mum got dad to help clean it up, thankfully. Turned out he was more upset about the porch. 

Me? I was cool. We had one less member of the family to feed. And the look on Charley’s face! It had been _priceless.
_


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## cheezyb10 (Nov 26, 2012)

Ummm...... So...... Eh........ That was, kind of..... Yeah..... Good writing but the story- just is odd. Not bad, but odd.


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## Jeko (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks cheexyb10. I'm trying to set the reader off-balance at the start. Don't worry - the story isn't about the dead cat. But it does have a lot to do with the dead cat, at least initially.


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## Deleted member 49710 (Nov 27, 2012)

This is cleanly written and certainly makes me somewhat curious about what's going on, but I don't know if it's in the way you want. Might help to remind yourself that the reader doesn't have whatever context you've got -- that is, if this is a world with intelligent, suicidal cats, or the cat's coming back to life, or there's something else that justifies the MC's callous attitude, I don't know that. So my first impression of your narrator, looking at the bloody  mangled mess of his cat as a cleaning chore, is that he's a sociopath.  That he thinks the cat has committed suicide tells me he's maybe not  that smart. Thought #2 is maybe he's a split personality and his other half killed the cat. Is this your goal? Or am I missing something? 

Whatever the reasoning, I think it's important that the MC be at least somewhat sympathetic right off the bat. Right now he kind of seems like that creepy kid everyone thinks will grow up to be a serial killer.

I'd suggest cutting, "Sigh!" - maybe he could sigh words instead? _"Well, crap, Mrs. Mouser, now I have to clean you up," I sighed _or something.


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## Foxee (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree with lasm. When you set a line or word off by itself like that you're really calling attention to it so the way you've written "sigh" apart from everything else comes across as overdone. I'd just cut it.

Arms and legs? If this is a reference to the 'cat' being a humanoid you might need a touch more specific description to reassure me that you aren't just calling a normal cat's front legs by a wrong name. The idea of a cat taking pills seems to be another clue but I think you might still need to enrich this with something a bit more obvious. I can see the damage but not the cat, if that makes sense, and it sounds like if that cat is indeed a humanoid it would be a fascinating image, even if it is dead.

annnd I agree with lasm's summing up of the character. Is the narrator as sociopathic as he(?) appears?


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## empresstheresa (Nov 27, 2012)

> I'm trying to set the reader off-balance at the start.




Will the reader like that?  Doesn't the reader want to understand something right from the beginning?

Consider this opening line from a truly great novel:  :adoration: 



> I’m Theresa, the only child of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan,  and I hope it’s not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten.


 

Right away we know the narrator's name, something about her, and that the story may begin when she's ten.  We've only read one sentence so far !  



> Don't worry - the story isn't about the dead cat.



Yet you begin by writing 314 words about the cat's suicide,  a subject that won't interest a lot of people I'd think.


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## Jeko (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for all the feedback!



> So my first impression of your narrator, looking at the bloody mangled mess of his cat as a cleaning chore, is that he's a sociopath. That he thinks the cat has committed suicide tells me he's maybe not that smart. Thought #2 is maybe he's a split personality and his other half killed the cat. Is this your goal? Or am I missing something?



I'm thrilled to see so many interpretations of the character so quickly - exactly what I wanted. Now, I just need to make them beneficial for the story. You're right, lasm - I don't want people thinking my character is a sociopath. Maybe a hint of it, but nothing to ostrong, especailly from the off.

I'm rewriting this a little already, trying to make the character less involved in the death of the cat so that the reader can feel their reaction without being simply told it.

And though it makes me laugh (for some unknown reason), I'll definitely cut out the 'sigh!'.



> If this is a reference to the 'cat' being a humanoid you might need a touch more specific description to reassure me that you aren't just calling a normal cat's front legs by a wrong name.



Thanks for pointing that out, Foxee - being someone who hates cats, I haven't been very attentive to the way they actually are. I'll have to do some research, especially if I'm getting simple things as limbs wrong. The cat is supposed to be just a cat.



> Doesn't the reader want to understand something right from the beginning?



Of course not - where's the fun in that?



> Right away we know the narrator's name, something about her, and that the story may begin when she's ten. We've only read one sentence so far !



Doesn't bear any relevance, to be honest. Could you offer more critique on what I wrote?



> Yet you begin by writing 314 words about the cat's suicide, a subject that won't interest a lot of people I'd think.



You may have missed that I said: 'But it does have a lot to do with the dead cat, at least initially.' The dead cat is a critical plot point. Does it interest people? Yes. Everyone I've said the opening line to has laughed their head off.


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## Zico Cozier (Nov 27, 2012)

I was very hesitant about this after reading the first line. But then I was drawn in by it before the end. and you managed to really pique my interest in your character with just 2 paragraphs so bravo. It's definitely interesting


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## Jeko (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks, Zico Cozier. With the irregular nature of the story (zombies fighting demons) I really need to get a good amount of interest from the reader from the off. I'll keep working on this to make it better. Right now, I'm trying to make some of the thigns less obvious, less blatantly exposed. You know, be a little more delicate.


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## isaiah (Nov 27, 2012)

So where is the rest of the story? It definitely held my interests and I'm eager to know what happens to the character after this, and learn more about him. What genre would you consider this generally?


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## popsprocket (Nov 27, 2012)

A bit of an interesting piece. I'm not sure if I should find it amusing, but I did.

For me, the character doesn't come across as a sociopath - at least, not _quite _a sociopath. I like how ambiguous this all is but I would hope that it gets to the point within the first chapter, otherwise you're just killing poor little kitty cats for fun!

In addition to cutting 'Sigh!' I would also cut 'Gross!' from the text. It sets a strong precedent for the voice you're using, but it doesn't do anything for me.


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## isaiah (Nov 27, 2012)

popsprocket said:


> In addition to cutting 'Sigh!' I would also cut 'Gross!' from the text. It sets a strong precedent for the voice you're using, but it doesn't do anything for me.



I liked the "Sigh!" part. However, "gross" could be omitted and wouldn't hurt. That's my thoughts.


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## The Rust on the Razor (Nov 28, 2012)

This grabbed me immediately! It posed a lot of intriguing questions that I wanted answered and which would keep me reading on to find the answers.  Why was he so seemingly detached from the death of the cat? Why did he think it was a suicide? How could it have been a suicide? Why was his reaction so different to his parents? 

I would agree that I thought the main character was a tad sociopathic such is his detachment- but that was a reason to be interested for me (no particular interest in sociopaths here but a great character trait to explore if that was the intention!)

I don't think you need to show very much at all about a character in the first line or so, but you do have to know enought to WANT to know more about them, so have to create interest- and you've certainly done that. 

Great!


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## The Rust on the Razor (Nov 28, 2012)

Another point- when you say " she was as desensitised as Tinky Winky" I was t sure which "she" you meant, Jordan or charley - is Jordan a girl? Can be either make or female name. Reading on I think you meant Charley but it was a mental process I had to do which interrupted the flow. 

Plus reference to Tinky Winky- liked the comparison here to illustrate Charleys rection. However I'm not sure everyone would understand this, would another more universally known character help to ensure more readers get the joke? Because it IS funny, and worth making sure its accessible.


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## Jeko (Nov 28, 2012)

Thanks again for all the feedback!

I'm currently completely reworking this to get a different tone and attitude in. The main thing that's changed is, instead of at first stating what happened overall (I found the cat dead), I'm going into that moment and having Nathan discover the cat's dead. Keeping the concept, but changing how it reads. I might post the new version once it's done.

until then, any feedback on this is still really helpful. I really need to know what ideas work and what needs mroe development/a short trip to the trash can.




> What genre would you consider this generally?



I'm pitching it at the YA fantasy/horror market at the moment, though that might change depending on how it all coems together in the end. Great to see it captured your interest



> I'm not sure if I should find it amusing, but I did.



Yes! I thought I could never write a 'sick sense of humour'. Thanks, popsrocket



> For me, the character doesn't come across as a sociopath - at least, not _quite _a sociopath. I like how ambiguous this all is but I would hope that it gets to the point within the first chapter, otherwise you're just killing poor little kitty cats for fun!



I think the hard thing will be to try to tone down the sociopathic overtones that come through wihile not getting rid of the number of interpretations for the character. I hate one-dimensional people, but I can sometimes accidently make them if I try to be too simplistic.



> In addition to cutting 'Sigh!' I would also cut 'Gross!' from the text. It sets a strong precedent for the voice you're using, but it doesn't do anything for me.



I agree. In the re-write, Nathan's going to be a bit less detached. But still detached to some extent. My, this subtlety thing is hard!



> Why was his reaction so different to his parents?



This is one of the key things I want to flesh out - I want Nathan to feel unlike the rest of his family, so that taking him away from them seems more natural than jarring. Thanks for your support, TRotR.



> Jordan or charley - is Jordan a girl? Can be either make or female name. Reading on I think you meant Charley but it was a mental process I had to do which interrupted the flow.



Glad someone picked up on this - I chose the two names on purpose because they're both sexually ambigious. Supposed to add to the subtle confusion of Nathan's world, or at least his perspective on it. Things aren't ever straightforward in the story - even the names.



> Plus reference to Tinky Winky- liked the comparison here to illustrate Charleys rection. However I'm not sure everyone would understand this, would another more universally known character help to ensure more readers get the joke?



I felt that the simple sound of Tinky Winky made it sound desensitised. Though zombie teletubbies would make a good show. Could take up the slot Merlin's hogging.

I'll be sure to include the reference in the re-write. I'll try to embed it in the narrative, make the comment less alone.


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## moeslow (Dec 6, 2012)

I get a very Chuck Palahniuk vibe from this. 
_
How did I know she’d committed suicide? There was an empty bottle of  pills beside her, lying in the blood. She’d tried to overdose herself  and it hadn’t worked. But why? Our vet spent every living moment  stressing about the millions of things we mustn’t let anywhere near our  cat. Why did she have to mutilate herself just to bite the dust? It didn’t make any sense._

This is the only part I have some issues with. If you are going for a Palahniuk style novel, then instead of asking the questions, have you character concatenate a tale. His version of the events. This guy isn't right in head, from what I've gotten out of it so far, so don't dangle him near the edge. Push him off. He comes out, sees the body, and gives you are detailed, almost crime scene parody style detail, events. And maybe end the chapter by a short blunt statement where it makes the reader question what is really the story.


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## Jeko (Dec 6, 2012)

Thanks, moeslow. I've never heard of Palahniuk, so I'll have to look into him.

(google search pending)

I'm taking a new angle with this scene, presenting it as a dream at first that will help make sense of some of the references to the cat that come soon after. It'll hopefully both show the issues in the character's head and describe the scene, without giving it direct implications to the plot in the reader's mind yet.

I'll be sure to post it soon.

Short blunt statements are usually my forte, though I'm looking to end the chapter by connection it to a scene I've already written. Would you agree that the overall effect of the section would be better than trying to shift focus with a strong line? Or should I focus on having that line emphasise the holistic effect of the chapter, giving it oomph in a moment to have that oopmh carry through? 

Also, concatenate is my new favourite word! And pushing my character off the edge sounds like the perfect mantra to focus on. There are moments in the story that should really tip eveything upside-down for him.


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## moeslow (Dec 6, 2012)

Palahniuk is most famous for writing Fight Club. The movie was made with Brad Pitt, and if you haven't seen it, I'm sure you've heard the iconic "The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!"

He writes about morbid situation in the most hilarious methods. One of the most unique styles we have right now. Do check him out because it will help you see how far you can push without losing the reader.

As for ending the chapter. I always feel that those chapters which end in manner that deviates from the expectations leave the best effect. Since it is the opening chapter, you want to let the reader know that "Hey, I'm not done yet, this wasn't my best punch, I got more in the bag!" The first chapters are usually the ones writers spend the most time and some punch themselves out and the story goes down hill. I just feel that in a story like this, where it is so much about the oddities of the narrator and not so much about plot, which these style books usually are about, a few great moments build upon a fun style of prose.


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## Jeko (Dec 6, 2012)

Hmm... I need to get out more. I actually hadn't heard the iconic line. Fight Club never caught my attention. I'll have to check it out now.

I absoutely agree wtih your sentiments on the ending of the first chapter - you don't just want to sell the continuation of the story to your reader, but to the agent too. The end of each chapter should always make you want to read the next chapter. The first chapter, even more so.

At the moment, my first chapter shows the reader what life for Nathan is like in the present day - after all the events of the story. It doesn't reveal much more than his inability to dream happy dreams, and that there's a good reason for it. It ends by Nathan starting to explain when this all began, and then we go into the second chapter.

The idea I'm going for is to present the reader with a lot of interesting, grabbing, unanswered questions at first and then end by sort of saying 'well, here come the answers... some of them, at least...' Using the interest of the reader as a springboard into the real story, how Nathan Carter became Deadlock Carter through his battles with demons.

You're right as well about the first chapter being seen as the most important - prior to giving the story a proper kick up the backside, I spent around 2 months working out how to start it well. Time well spent, because what I have now is a lot better than what I had before.

I think I should make it clear that a lot of the stylistic features of the extract I posted have been lessened over the process of rewriting the opening. I'm trying to make the character more accessible to the reader, so not to turn anyone off with a bad tone or irregular style. The aim for this is to create a YA story that stands beside the likes of Artemis Fowl, Percy Jackson and Skulduggery Pleasant. No stupid love triangles - a focus on the ideas, the adventures and the excitement building in the reader throughout. I want it to read as a fun story with elements of horror and darker atmosphere making it stand out from the crowd.


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## moeslow (Dec 6, 2012)

Cadence said:


> Hmm... I need to get out more. I actually hadn't heard the iconic line. Fight Club never caught my attention. I'll have to check it out now.
> 
> I absoutely agree wtih your sentiments on the ending of the first chapter - you don't just want to sell the continuation of the story to your reader, but to the agent too. The end of each chapter should always make you want to read the next chapter. The first chapter, even more so.
> 
> ...



You have a good model. Just write it now. Write it as fast as you can and throw everything onto the page. Every idea that pops in while you are writing. Then in the rewrites, cut, cut, cut.


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## Jeko (Dec 6, 2012)

Thanks, moeslow. I'm writing whenever I can after school. I've reached about 3,000 words so far, in the week I've been at it, though I have mock exams to focus more on, so that pace probably won't survive.

I hope to have it all done before I start on my A2 courses. Then I can spend that year editting it to death.


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## Blondie (Dec 11, 2012)

I don't know I should be offering advice or critique's since I just started writing myself but, for me at least and my hyper ADHD I was focused solely on the cat and _how_ it committed suicide. I know it explains it in the paragraphs you've presented but in my mind I'm trying to bend it around the fact that a cat with no sort of  opposable thumb (at least so far not mentioned) somehow managed to open up a pill bottle over dose on it then go on to cutting itself to ribbons. 


But then again I'm not like everyone and from what you've said this is a small part of the story so by all means please post more of it interested in seeing how it develops.


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## Jeko (Dec 12, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback, Blondie.

Whether the dead cat will actually make it into the novel is something I'm debating in my mind. At any rate, the fact the situation was surreal for you is a good sign.


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## empresstheresa (Dec 22, 2012)

> The end of each chapter should always make you want to read the next chapter. The first chapter, even more so.


The first chapter should make you want to read to the end of the book.
Make the first ten pages do it if you can.

Quickly raise questions that the reader wants answered.  But remember, the reader must already be interested in the main character to want the answers.

Where did I learn this?  Nowhere.  I just did it.


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## Jeko (Dec 23, 2012)

I think it's the job of each chapter to support the next. The first chapter of Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, for instance, didn't make me want to read the whole book. But it made me want to read the next chapter, and that chapter made me want to read the one after that, etc.

A great first chapter could support the reader's interest for the entire book, but I don't think it has to. Everything in the story should keep the reader's interest.


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## empresstheresa (Dec 24, 2012)

> A great first chapter could support the reader's interest for the entire book, but I don't think it has to. Everything in the story should keep the reader's interest.




Sure, but the question is how do you do that?

I'm thinking of the old Hardy Boy books I read as a kid.  You probably never heard of them in England.
So in chapter 4, the boys would go somewhere to do something and they'd get in trouble.  The chapter ended leaving you wondering how they'd survive this one.  Chapter 5 would explain how they'd get out of the mess, then the chapter would have them go somewhere else and get in trouble again.  This is episodic, and not the way real life works.

Better to write a book in which the main character is introduced on page one with hints of what's to come.  Questions already exist in the reader's mind.  These questions will be answered as the book progresses, some early on, some in the middle of the story and some not until the end.  Meanwhile, during the story,  new questions are raised, new situations are brought up which may not be resolved until five or ten chapters later. 

This is how real life works.


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## Jeko (Dec 24, 2012)

It's one way of doing it. Though books are often made to deviate from real life.

Also, in real life, the more questions you answer, the more you get. This is respesented in the way one chapter makes you want to read the next.

I might post this as a discussion elsewhere. It's an interesting topic.


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## erusson (Dec 27, 2012)

Great opening line. Snappy and gets you wanting to read more straight away.
 I agree that you should cut "Sigh!" though. I don't like that at all. It's the sort of thing you'd see someone put on Facebook, not in a novel. Also, you can tell the MC is annoyed by the situation so we don't really need to be told he's sighing anyway.
 You've got a couple of adjectives that could be cut: 'mangy' isn't really needed, nor is 'massive' before that. 'Blood-red' is a bit of a tautology: what other shade of red would blood be?



Cadence said:


> Why didn’t I deal with it there and then? It might have been the blood. However she'd killed herself, she'd killed herself good.


 Good line! I really like the style of the whole piece. It made me laugh in quite a few places.



> Gross! Not that I thought she was any worse than before, being dead and all, but I didn’t want to go near anything like that. It left little to the imagination.


 I think you can cut this completely, to be honest. I don't really like it, and I feel the paragraph works just as well without it.



> How did I know she’d committed suicide? There was an empty bottle of pills beside her, lying in the blood.


 I thought this was hilarious!

This is great. I'd definitely want to read more. x


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## The Rust on the Razor (Jan 15, 2013)

Cadence- I've just reread this thread. You have a fine talent for words, and I gather from your posts that you're still at school? So, what, 17? 18? I think I will hang up my pen and go home now... you NEED TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING. If I had been writing with such a clear voice and head when I was 18, and enjoyed doing it, I would have hoped that someone would have given me the same advice. <_snaps pencil and shakes head> _


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## Jeko (Jan 15, 2013)

Erusson: Thanks for your comments. Though I've re-written this a hundred times over, with different scenes and events and tones and moods... it really helps to get feedback on the ones that have hit the trash can. I can see them in a less pressured mind, so the advice I get I can impliment better. Sometimes it almost feels like i'm working on someone else's story, because mine's so different now (it really is...)

I will definitely look into my unecessary adjectives. I like to plonk lots in when I draft, but some of them hang around a little too long.

The Rust on the Razor: Don't feel disheartened! I'm 16, and have been writing for around four years. I've been through many WIPs and a lot of inner turmoil because of them (I know I shouldn't worry so much about my work, but I do). The main reason I got to where I am now is because of good teaching, opening myself up to he best inspiration, and this forum. The advice I got here turned my life around. I used to write rubbish sci-fi and was one of those hyped-up teen writers who think their story is the next Battlestar Galactica. Now I'm more focused. I just hope I can stay focused enough to finish my novel and make it a great story.

The thing I envy the most is the ability to finish a novel. I never have.


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## erusson (Jan 15, 2013)

Cadence said:


> I will definitely look into my unecessary adjectives. I like to plonk lots in when I draft, but some of them hang around a little too long.



Same - I've nearly finished a first draft (first novel I've ever come close to completing!) and it's chock-a-block with modifiers. It's just easier to have them in at first so that during the editing process you remember what you were trying to achieve when you wrote it. But I don't hold with the idea that you shouldn't have any adjectives/adverbs at all, so I say we can get away with a few. xx


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## The Rust on the Razor (Jan 15, 2013)

Yup me too- I like to think that as I'm new to this, and I have so many ideas (a lifetimes' worth that have never been used other than to dream on) that the stuff I start but don't continue with for whatever reason will get revisited. I'm starting the 100's of stories that I've imagined, one by one, and will go back to most (a few?) of them at some point!


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## empresstheresa (Jan 25, 2013)

> The thing I envy the most is the ability to finish a novel. I never have.



Why, thank you, Cadence! :alien:  

Actually, I finished the story in my head years before writing down a single word on paper ( later switching to using a computer ).  Changed very little during the writing.

Something to consider.


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## Woodroam (Jan 29, 2013)

Very creepy. I think you have a good start but you need to read more Edgar Alan Poe. You need to draw it out more, take your time. Push it further if you can. Write about the cat's eyes.


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## summergenevieve (Jun 9, 2013)

It's kind of morbidly twisted but it's very interesting. The syndetic listing at the start sets a pace that may become monotonous if used often. Maybe if the same scenario was applied to a person and then developed further, it could be a great story. Hope this helps.


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## Justin Rocket (Jul 1, 2013)

I loved it.  He's a little off-putting (in his callous disregard for convention), but that makes him interesting and, so, a character I want to learn more about.   

A critic I enjoy says that the first sentence should make a reader want to read the next sentence, the first paragraph should make the reader want to read the next paragraph, the first page should make the reader want to read the next page, the first ten pages should make the reader want to read the next ten pages, etc.  So, if your first paragraph is good, it can provide an opportunity to give your reader more information.  Your first paragraph is amazing.  I'm kinda disappointed that you've rewritten it.  But, I look forward to seeing what the rewrite looks like.

By the way, I loved the sheer, over the top brutality of the "SIGH".  If a story can get  me to laugh in the first two or three lines, it's got my attention for a couple of pages.


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## avestHom (Oct 16, 2016)

This is amusing. Yet, I didn't get the age of the main character. If she's a child, it's way beyond her to know overdose, or stressing. 
A little bit of work is needed, in my view.


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