# Excerpt from story i've been writing for 4 years. (WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE) 967 Words



## tjc5172 (Dec 19, 2015)

Hi everyone. I'm really excited as this is the first time I have ever shown anyone my writing. It's gotten me through some rough patches in my life and has always been a part of me. This is an excerpt/chapter from a story I've been writing since I graduated college and have always added to. Please tell me what you think! I know I shouldn't apologize for my writing but I'm sorry if it offends. It's a coming of age story believe it or not. I'll shut up now. 
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


                  I hate talking to old people. Not because they remind me of death and broken dreams like most people my age, but because they seriously believe that everything that creeps out of their ancient lips is a fucking public service. Oh my God thank you random old lady at the mall that decides to come into my shitty, post grad, retail job on a daily basis. I never knew the value of saving my money so I don’t end up soliciting people to resurface their fucking kitchens at the tender age of 78. Want to know what kind of advice I’m going to give 20 year olds when im old as shit? Run. Run as fast as possible out of your current life. If it wasn’t for my little brother and sister and I had the balls to solely think about myself I’d be in Cali in some doctor’s office lying about an insomnia problem so I could get a medical marijuana card. I’d smoke weed all day and honestly would probably try to work a just as easy job over there. See, for me, it’s not about work. Call me Peter Pan if you want, but we are only guaranteed about 86 years in the United States. I’m 22 now. So im working with roughly 58 years here. I personally don’t see the big deal about wasting my few good years by slaving away 8 hours a day sitting at a desk, paranoid as shit if this job I worked my ass off for is going to provide me with everything I need until I turn 65 and retire. 65 is old as dirt to me. That gives you 21 years before you kick the bucket. And it’s not exactly like the first 21 years of your life either. The first 21 years are filled with youthful energy, wonderment, angst and pussy. These other 21 years will be filled with prostate exams, back pain, erectile dysfunction (if you don’t have it already) and all around general dissatisfaction. Sure you don’t have to work, but what are you honestly going to do? You’re probably ugly, you’re probably out of shape, and you probably have old ass ideas and beliefs which younger, cooler people than you are going to phase out when they get older anyway. What is the fucking point? I have friends my age that are sitting in offices right now that they will probably be in until they turn 65. Sure the desk may change, or the floor might go up a couple levels on the elevator, but that’s it. And guess what, _they’re happy_. Sounds like a fucking death sentence to me. My job sucks, but at least I know I can quit it any day and still not freak out about the uncertainty of my life. I’d just get another one. Work is supposed to be a means for money. Money is supposed to be a means for living life. Living life is supposed to be the grand goal. If you’re making a lot of money but you have no time to live life and enjoy it, you’re a fucking hoarder. And we all know hoarders are only good for entertainment. 
                 It’s 4 pm. My 9:30-4 shift is over. At least technically. It was probably over the moment I walked in. I work at Barnes and Noble and they take me back during my holiday breaks. The first thing I do at the start of every morning shift is chill in the handicapped bathroom stall and read the magazines that customers leave on the hand rail. Don’t judge me. They seem clean. This early in the morning I have to have reading material to coax out the gold standard casein protein shit that has been slowly providing my muscles with a constant supply of amino acids throughout the night. The price we pay for beauty. Well at least some of us. I usually average about 45 minutes and then I wander around the store until assigned a task. During my wanderings, I read the back covers of the paperback bestsellers and then the inside, flap covers of the hardcover bestsetllers. Management knows better than to assign me anything important to do because it simply will not get done. For some reason they take me back every summer. 
Since it’s 4:00, I impatiently scan the parking lot through the windows of the cafe inside the store. I was asked not to visit the café during my shifts by manager Rick the Dick because apparently  I “distract” the high school girls that work behind the counter. Not like creeper Jeb harassment but because im the man and their young, hormonal minds can’t handle having a stallion like me trotting about the area. Apparently I directly influence productivity at Barnes and Noble cafés. Whatever. I smile at the cute asian girl Annie in between anxiously looking out the window for my ride. She blushes and then quickly turns away and proceeds with whatever task she was doing before. She turns 18 in 2 weeks. Im just watering the seed. Don’t judge me. A honk outside breaks my jedi mind tricks on Annie and I see Mike’s Mauve Avenger pull up right to the front. Im out this bitch. With a bright smile and wink I swagger out the café into the sunlight and plop down into the car.  
“Whats good ninja?”
“Aint shit man. I need to smoke”
“Open the glove compartment”
“My guy”
Mike pulls out of the mall parking lot and we hit Eisenhower parkway. I turn the radio up. 
_I just hope that you miss me a little when I’m gone…_
I pull a lighter out my pocket, recline the seat, light the blunt and stare at the passing sky through the sunroof…


----------



## Riptide (Dec 19, 2015)

So I really liked this. Like, I really did. His voice, everything. Loved it. But there was something that I couldn't pin down that annoyed me, but I think I got it now. You're too wordy. I think that's the proble,



tjc5172 said:


> Hi everyone. I'm really excited as this is the first time I have ever shown anyone my writing. It's gotten me through some rough patches in my life and has always been a part of me. This is an excerpt/chapter from a story I've been writing since I graduated college and have always added to. Please tell me what you think! I know I shouldn't apologize for my writing but I'm sorry if it offends. It's a coming of age story believe it or not. I'll shut up now.
> ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> 
> ...



Like I said, I love this guy. I would like to know his name, though. He seems to be a looker, maybe in school, 22. So, yeah, other than what I pointed out, it's a great story. And those things I pointed out are my opinion on how to rephrase the sentences. It's just sometimes you're a little wordy with the expression of thing. Anyway, good  job!


----------



## tjc5172 (Dec 20, 2015)

Thank you so much for all your feedback. I totally see the wordiness and I'm not known for my brevity even in person. I will take your suggestions. I really appreciate you taking the time to read. About his name, this is an excerpt from something that I'm writing that bounces around in years (2007-2013) so the character's name actually gets introduced in an earlier short story. Do you think it is still worth putting his name in?


----------



## patskywriter (Dec 20, 2015)

Well done. Good voice and excellent sense of character. Even though I find the character unlikable, I think younger readers who can relate to a self-centered, devil-may-care protagonist would really enjoy this.

And somehow I don't find this too wordy (even though I usually prefer the short-and-sweet style). This isn't about what I happen to like. In this case, we have a guy who seems to spend time thinking only of himself. Life hasn't “tempered” him yet, so I think the rambling, incessant wordiness is just right. (I would break up the paragraphs, though.)


----------



## tjc5172 (Dec 20, 2015)

Thank you for your feedback patsky. I'm happy you can see the character hasn't been "tempered" yet. It's funny because that is precisely what happens to him eventually. I will break it up so it has a better flow while reading rather than a stream of rambling thoughts. I'm very much influenced by "Catcher in the Rye" and Holden Caulfield's voice has always resonated with me.


----------



## Khalid M (Dec 25, 2015)

I really enjoyed this, very funny and some ideas hit home. I can understand the bitterness of the narrator. Dialogues seem to be equally entertaining. I wonder where his story will go from now.


----------



## Bard_Daniel (Dec 27, 2015)

I agree with Riptide, it seems a little wordy. He has offered you some suggestions to cut down on that. 

I also don't especially like the main character but it would be interesting, nonetheless, to find out what happens next. So, he shoots and he scores! : D

Keep on writin'!


----------



## tjc5172 (Dec 27, 2015)

Thank you Khalid that definitely motivates me to keep on going. Each "chapter" is a different stage and moment in the characters life and development as a person so I'm glad this gets you wondering!


----------



## tjc5172 (Dec 27, 2015)

Thank you so much for reading and your feedback! Stay tuned! He gets a little bit more likeable I promise :icon_cheesygrin:


----------



## RBD (Feb 27, 2018)

I'd work on breaking up the paragraphs this is very hard to read.


----------



## QuirkyasCrow (Feb 27, 2018)

I get the feeling your intent here was just to see if you were able to capture the essence of the character and what you were trying to portray on paper. Especially because like you, I have yet to actually show strangers my long time loves. Though, I have shared shorts with others, much like this excerpt here. 

Riptide made some good suggestions for tweaking it, though I also did not find it too wordy. I thought it captured the personality of the character just fine, and really the wordiness seemed to contribute to the voice of the character. He is not refined, and has no real care for anyone's voice but his own...It is his thoughts we are being allowed to be tapped into. 

I don't think the name needs to be added in this section. It is an excerpt and a work still in progress. It is also basically a soliloquy, even if silent. We often don't think in terms of ourselves by names when in our heads. Our friends and family often don't greet us by proper name either, so I think, actually adding it to this portion would kill the flow of the story. 

You've got the talent to paint the picture. Go for it.


----------



## Albo Ari (May 7, 2018)

“Whats good ninja?”
“Aint shit man. I need to smoke”
“Open the glove compartment”
“My guy”
Mike pulls out of the mall parking lot and we hit Eisenhower parkway. I turn the radio up. 
_I just hope that you miss me a little when I’m gone…
I pull a lighter out my pocket, recline the seat, light the blunt and stare at the passing sky through the sunroof…

_This is the youth , my first post goes to you brother man . I think all of us have our little pleasures for day to day stress, but to think putting a blunt into a piece of writing was doable, shit you just opened doors. Love the read by the way, the ranting voice made me subconsciously think I was mad.


----------



## silvafilho (May 8, 2018)

Please break those paragraphs. This is just 960 words, but boy does it look menacing? I'll try to read later.


----------



## meghanwithanH (Jul 25, 2018)

tjc5172 said:


> Hi everyone. I'm really excited as this is the first time I have ever shown anyone my writing. It's gotten me through some rough patches in my life and has always been a part of me. This is an excerpt/chapter from a story I've been writing since I graduated college and have always added to. Please tell me what you think! I know I shouldn't apologize for my writing but I'm sorry if it offends. It's a coming of age story believe it or not. I'll shut up now.
> ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> 
> ...



Is this fiction? It reads like a memoir. Either way, I love it. I love the voice and the tone. Do you have more?


----------



## Lynked (Jul 29, 2018)

Well, I enjoyed this, I really did. But it was terribly hard to read it. Try breaking up the paragraphs a little bit more, for ease of reading purposes. Also, watch your punctuation and capitalization. I saw a few commas in there that didn't need to be there, a few uncapitalized "I's" and a couple of other mistakes. I understand the bitter feel of the narration, the sense of losing years of your life as it progresses on, and I think it is a wonderful theme, but I would try to tie in the paragraphs a little better. Unless I missed something, which is entirely possible, seeing as it was very hard to read.

All in all, good job on the writing, just break it up a little bit and watch out for syntax and other technical errors.


----------



## NeoKukulza (Jul 31, 2018)

You know, I've had a couple of thoughts like this myself.  You must work in hospitality,  don't you?  Doesn't matter if it's food service, customer service, or hotel service, any field that utilizes the philosophy of "The customer is always right" expects you to act like a complete robot at all times, polite and courteous and efficient in the face of the unrelenting horde that are consumers.

I've come to realize that for many people "the customer is always right" has become synonymous with "the employee is always wrong".  Doesn't matter what the situation is, doesn't matter that you've been in the field for eight years and know *EXACT* what a medium-rare steak is supposed to look like (it's a warm RED center, for those wondering), the customer ALWAYS knows best, and that mindeset has completely dehumanized the hospitality industry.  We're not people anymore, we're NPCs designed to take all manner of verbal abuse.


----------

