# September 2017 - LM - Gorilla Threesome - Scores



## kilroy214 (Sep 30, 2017)

ppsageCrankilroy214totalRubisco2018.51417.5Undutchable1816.51616.8SueC1518.51516.1Kyle R1517.51515.83AtleanWordsmith1417.51515.5ppsage---JE


Well, here we are again with a whole new mess of scores for the month of September to announce the winner of the Gorilla Threesome challenge!
In First place, we have *Rubisco* with *Monkey See Monkey Do*
In Second, *Undutchable* with *A Rainbow Reckoning*,
and in Third, *SueC* with *Only in Chicago*
Congratulations everybody! Now get to work on October's challenge!!!
Oh yeah, and scores...


[spoiler2=ppsage's scores]A well written batch of entries. I was pretty harsh on a couple whose reason for being was just to say the prompt, with no real story otherwise. I consider this a well known pitfall and am always a bit surprised when good writers fall into it. In the same vein, the usual lack of well established flash elements always seems an unexpected oversight. In my mind, flash differs from a really short story by the inclusion of language elements which are sort of poetical. Runs of words, contrasting fragments, images used symbolically. Repetition. There's nothing wrong with trying to get a 'straight' super short story but most of the 'professional' flash I see uses this sort of thing to widen what can be told. For me there is a definite difference between super short and flash and I'm puzzled why more entries don't lean more to the latter side.


[1]*AtleanWordsmith
“Boarding Party"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 14


Review: The naming gimmick fits the prompt so no worries there, but near's I can see, that's all it does. The word choices for techs which drive this as sf are sort of un-evocative for me. The things which stop them are 'compressors?' How? I get that it's imagined tech but it shouldn't leave me perplexed. Calculus-wielding is another. ..... The piece promises combat tension but never pays out and then ends on a typo joke. This isn't very satisfying. Mostly I think the story tackles an episode that's too big for the format. That happens to a lot of sf at 650 words. Not enough room for the sf requisite explanations and for action. ........ This is very cleanly written and the language, which strikes me a bit off sometimes probably won't effect everyone that way. It's got a worthy story in there, it just needs more room and not to have the ending hitched to a prompt which is worthless for it.




[2]SueC
“Only in Chicago"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 15


Review: Got a little thrown off right at first because when I lived in the city I always thought it seemed fresher and cleaner in the rain. Country too really. Maybe I'm just a rain guy. ........ "Seated now, I am comfortable. Others get on with me and after me and all find a place to park themselves for the ride." I thought this read awkwardly in terms of time actually changing back but staying in present tense. ......... This is a gloriously descriptive piece, and perfectly written. The character is nice and round and she (I guess) sets a great tone, but the piece ends without that purpose which story really needs to snap and crackle. It gives off a ominous vibe but runs out of space to pay off that promise.




[3]Undutchable121
“A Rainbow Reckoning"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18


Review: Very nice example of a piece which overtly embraces a ridiculous prompt but then makes it into an actual story with a problem to solve. And fits it into the tiny format provided. ......... I found the syntax and word choice slightly clunky, like maybe a bit of reading aloud and polish was omitted. Overall a very fine effort on a difficult challenge.




[4]rubisco
“Monkey See Monkey Do"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20


Review: My thought on this prompt was like this idea; humans acting like gorillas. This piece really owns and cleverly finds a situation where the action works out in the allotted space. .......... The language here, which is, let us say, not very sophisticated, fits to a tee. ......... I've been judging a lot lately and this entry really stands out as an example of what can be done in the challenge format. 




[5]Kyle R
“Gone Were the People"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15


Review: I found this a slow-moving piece with overly ornate details which led into an relatively ambiguous and open ending. Leaving the monster undefined doesn't help either. I feel like this story, to work better, needs a strong philosophical element, which, of course, there's just no room to fit in on a challenge entry. ......... The writing is very sharp, but with just a little too much density for the purpose. I feel like this piece is in the hands of a competent word-smith and have no doubt that, given considerably more space, the fairly standard sf trope it embodies would spring to life yet again.




[6]ppsage
“Purdy's Accident"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall: na


Review: My personal feeling about my own entry is that it rambles around way too much and ends up sort of 'prologuey.' Typical of my effort. I'm mostly just pleased to get something done in time. Also that it at least incorporates the prompt rather than merely explains it.


*[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Cran's scores]LM Sep 2017 - Gorilla Threesome

General comments: 

I am impressed with the standard of writing, at least in terms of basic editing needs – SpaG appears to be consistently high quality among this group. This allowed me to look deeper, to focus more on the crafting of the story itself, and here I see a common issue: wasted punchlines.

Short stories, especially flash fiction needs two things to work effectively: an opening hook, and a closing revelation or punchline. Anything written after a punchline is counter-productive; it weakens, even kills, the effect. The add-ons in these stories could easily have been worked in before the punchline. Easily and quickly. 

For those who want to write humor or twists in the tale, identifying the punchline and repositioning any ancilliary pars, explanations, or information to before the punchline is imperative. 
[*]*AtleanWordsmith
“Boarding Party”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.9
Tone/Voice: 4.6
Effect: 8
Overall: 17.5*

Review
A familiar scenario: a marine rescue mission in space, led, apparently by a novice in infiltration manoeuvres from a commandeered and probably converted transport craft tagged by a marine who couldn’t spell. Effectively imagined, it could have been better arranged to maximise the humour in the piece.


… Monty slammed into what he'd previously assumed was a wall. The two engineers entered gracefully, followed by the other three marines. Leave it to nerds to be better at space[O1] .

Monty knew his friend was wearing a shit-eating grin under his helmet..[O2] 

"I can't be rescued by a ship called the _Gorilla Threesome_! It's undignified[O3] !"



[O1]Am I to understand that this mission is led by an untrained space marine? Not good.
[O2]Probably one dot too many.
[O3]This is the punchline. Anything after a punchline is worse than wasted. It would have been better to lose the last two pars, and to put the third last – the explanation – before the punchline.

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[*]*SueC
“Only in Chicago” 
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18.5*

Review
I imagine here a writer inspired by the slower, wordy greats of generations past – the impression I get is of channelling someone like Hemingway (?). It’s a moody piece, but with muted emotions; a running internal commentary. For all that, it worked; it achieved its purpose without stumbles and without fanfare. Alone. In Chicago. In the rain. 


I’m on the El going south from Rogers Park toward downtown[O1] . 

Now [O2] I’ve turned my whole body toward the window …


[O1]Some trivia and clarity: ‘El’ is a generic term for any elevated rail transit system; the El in Chicago is officially called the ‘L’ now, or the “L” prior to 1947. The single quotes with the L – ie, ‘L’ - are trademarked.
[O2]As this whole piece is written in the now, Now is superfluous.

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[*]*Undutchable
“A Rainbow Reckoning”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.2
Effect: 7.8
Overall: 16.5*


Review
Another style from an earlier generation of storytelling, with lots of telling, explaining the why we are here to witness … something. Everything leads to a surprise, a twist in the tale, a familiar joke. And that would have been okay, except the punchline is weakened, dragged out and milked with extraneous information better left out or reworked to precede the punch. 

Punctuation could use more thought, or perhaps less thought and more use of the simpler forms. 


Bertrand Upworthy was uncomfortable: [O1] he had been on his sweaty belly the whole morning, 
One final look back, and a shock:[O2] was she running after him? 

Last night, his first in the misty highlands, was great;[O3] the natives of the jungle village had been most helpful, especially after he had settled the beer tab - peanuts - in the dingy watering hole. 

Oh goodness, he hadn’t even settled down when the plants on the opposite side moved, and oh boy, it was true,[O4] out of the rainforest not one but two beautiful female Rainbow Gorillas emerged. 


“Your [O5] left your camera toy. Come here and get it, and give me a missed-me-dearly smooch while you are at it[O6] !”



[O1]Not necessary. A simple period and new sentence would be better.
[O2]Again, not necessary and not best choice of punctuation.
[O3]See previous comments.
[O4]OK, here would have been better served by a colon, or best by an exclamation mark and new sentence.
[O5]You
[O6]Here is the punchline; weakened to the point of wasted because it was not the final par.

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[*]*Rubisco
“Monkey See Monkey Do”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.8
Tone/Voice: 4.7
Effect: 9
Overall: 18.5*

Review
A smiler throughout, with men as apes, confirming (I am sure) some (if not most) women’s view of them in the usual gathering places for the consumption of fermented products and salty nuts and the ogling of potential mates, which almost always includes some foolish attention-seeking behaviour.

The punchline was properly placed, if not howlingly funny. All up, well imagined and crafted; just missing that elusive spark to elevate it to greatness.


He turned around and flexed his well defined [O1] calves. 

Troy roared and spat at Sam. “Com’on[O2] !”



[O1]well-defined
[O2]c’mon

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[*]*Kyle R
“Gone Were the People”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.9
Tone/Voice: 4.6
Effect: 8
Overall: 17.5*

Review

An odd little sci-fi killer-plant story, generally downbeat, but missing purpose, reason … sense. Competently written, but lacking direction. 

As best as I can make of it, the orange young gorilla – a rarity in my world – is meant to be some sort of sacrificial bait and weapon to genetically alter (or destroy) a sprawling mutated carnivorous plant, and that Maureen (whatever her profession) and Arn (the muscle) are simply the expendable delivery mechanism. 

There seemed to be a need for emphasis in the telling; weight added to certain words. Why? I’m also hard-pressed to see the third gorilla in either Maureen or the black parasitic forest.


She squinted through the shatterproof glass at the young gorilla as it sat, orange [O1] and awkward in its habitat, a plastic stick clenched in its almost-human hand.

But it didn't make one lick of a difference[O2] .


[O1]Young, at least very young gorillas can be any color you like … as long as it’s black. Variations in color in lowland gorillas first kick in at puberty (~ six yrs), and some will develop brown or occasionally orange (redhead) head patches. Rare adults might turn fully pale brown, or grow surplus long fur which can be light brown. In other words, an orange youngster is far more likely to be an orang-utan. 
[O2]the indefinite article is redundant: one lick of difference.

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[*]*ppsage
“Purdy's Accidental Oath, or, Don't Let the Help Provoke You”

(Judge entry)
*
Review

Another smiler, and fun to read, but carrying a few SPaG misses, and – yes – a misplaced punchline. A retired teacher plans to set up shop for aspiring witches – a fun premise with great potential for a larger story. I want to read that larger story!


…to use in a quasi summer[O1] -enrichment-tutorial-daycare-tourist-participatory-library enterprise.

The materials for this, and for her residence, wait [O2] in a truck 

Clouding further the issue.[O3] 


Harry follows and the Meryls behind[O4] .



"and three video games at the Stop 'N Go.... [O5] Won't sell."

"Brilliant young misses, seeking to practice the dark arts, will flock to me," she blurts[O6] .




[O1]Missed one dash here: quasi-summer-etc.
[O2]Parenthetical clauses are better identified with em-dashes or parentheses.
[O3]Breaking the common phrase like this makes for an awkward word order. Further clouding the issue, or clouding the issue further.
[O4]In some parts of the English-speaking world, the mention of the Meryls behind would cause snickers and frowns, essentially distracting the reader from the story. Simplest: Harry follows, and the Meryls. Clearest: Harry follows, and the Meryls trail after him.
[O5]One dot too many, at least.
[O6]It’s always better to end on the punchline – ie, here - with the explanatory par inserted before rather than added after.
​[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=kilroy214's scores]Boarding Party
AtleanWordsmith

SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 15

I thought this was a pretty entertaining piece of infiltration in space. I liked their method of entry, it really throws a rope around the 'science' part of science fiction, but it seemed a little too simplistic. 

To be honest, there were a few jarring lines that made me think that this story was maybe twice as long as the word count allotted and just a bit too much pertinent info was cut out in the the trimming.
Like when they find the imprisoned commander. They see him through a door, they exchange words, and the next thing we know one of them is tossing him over his shoulder and hauling ass. We never see them unlock his cell, enter the cell, or anything of the like. It is assumed that they opened the cell door, obvious even, but it felt like too much of a jump cut to me.

The line, "We met some light resistance, and they tried to sneak up on us later..." - is another example. I don't know what the last part of this sentence even means, which means I'm either too dense or it was written right (probably the former, if experience show anything), but I honestly feel like it may be a third thing, that perhaps a word was cut from the sentence in an attempt to save space, but in losing the word the sentence didn't carry the same meaning or idea it had before.

I thought the use of the prompt was clever and funny, and honestly I am surprised there was only one entry that used the G-E-U form of the word.


Only In Chicago
SueC

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 5
Total: 15

I generally am not a fan of work written in first person or in the present tense, but I thought it worked for your piece. I think 'inner monologue' is more than likely the best form to convey a story like this. It felt longer than 650 words, which is striking because a lot of flash fiction stories of this length go by in a...well, a flash. This laid back approach allowed me to kind of kick back and ease into the story, which as I stated before is a hard thing to do when reading flash fiction because they are over so quickly.

The one hang up I have is I thought somehow the storyteller's trepidation about the El was going to somehow play back in near the end of the story. I felt like there was the beginning of a build up when I got to that part, the hook, so to speak, and it did not pay off in the end.

That did not detract from the end, really, it was just that I was slightly frustrated about how it ended, because I didn't guess right, and I like being right (sulk)

The writing was very clean, SPaG was on point, but there was one part that caught my eye, and I think it might be more of a syntax problem.

'The platform is slick the with the wet; gray and drippy. I am too,...' I was curious when I read this, does it mean the story teller was also 'slick' or 'gray and drippy'?


A Rainbow Reckoning
Undutchable

SPaG:3
Tone: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 16

This was pretty straightforward story; beginning, middle, end, through line, etc. One has to appreciate good structure in a story. Punctuation felt a little sketchy, especially near the beginning. Too many colons going on in this piece. Best to have just clipped those lines and used periods for the most part. Also a use of 'Your' when it should have read 'You'.

This took the prompt in quite and literal, and thankfully tasteful, direction, that had a satisfactory payoff. Not a bad yard, and more deserving of a higher score if not for the loose punctuation.


Monkey See Monkey Do
Rubisco

SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14

An interesting take on the prompt, although where Threesome fit in there, I must have missed. The idea that these men are reduced to their basic primal (if not primate) instincts in the vicinity of a '10' is not a new concept, but nothing about this story felt old or reused, which was refreshing.

I felt that the men, though reduced to 'gorillas' by the end of the story, could have been a bit more articulate. I understand they are drunk, and slovenly, and that it is the point of the story that they act more animal than man, but I felt it came across as too heavy handed, like the point is being clobbered over the readers head with a club (unless that is an underlying theme that you are subliminally imparting upon the reader, which, if that's the case, you sir, are a genius)
But I digress. Just thought it could have been a little more subtle, personally.


Gone Were the People
Kyle R

SPaG: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 15

Much like every piece of yours I have read in the LM's and the rest of the site for that matter, this was a very clean, well written story. I had no problem imagining what was going on, but I have to say, not a lot of what was going on made much sense to me. There are just too many unanswered questions, loose threads, at the end of this story that these is not much in the way of satisfaction for the reader when the end is reached.

I'm left to wonder; what has happened to all the people, as the title implies? Are they on an altered Earth? What has happened that this world has become so feral? Why is the gorilla orange? What the hell ate Arn? What will the gorilla's blood cure, and why is Maureen so cavalier about it?

I was reminded of my days of watching Lost while reading this.


Purdy's Accidental Oath
ppsage

Judge's Entry

This was a fun piece, and one that got me thinking that it sounded like the opening chapter of a book. On a personal note, the present tense did not really work for me, I think the way some lines were worded with the use of tense confused me on the first read through (ie, when I read the 'When Harry's mom had twins... line the first time, I thought somebody was speaking this).

Still, it was a great interpretation of the prompt, and I thought an interesting premise that I hope will be expanded upon. I liked it.

[/spoiler2]


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## Kyle R (Oct 1, 2017)

Congrats to *Rubisco*, *Undutchable*, and *SueC*! Jobs well done. 

Fun and odd stories all around.

*Pp*: I agree that the piece was a bit dense and vague at the same time—partially a result of me attempting to leave a lot unsaid, and partially a result of me not fully knowing what it is I wanted to say (other than the old "science will destroy us in the end" theme).  I appreciate the criticism and the kind words. Cheers!

*Cran*: Things were a bit loose and wandering, I agree. This was my off-the-hip attempt at _biopunk_—mixed with a healthy dose of "I'm not really sure how to use the prompt here". The threesome was simply Maureen, Arn, and the young gorilla (and the gorilla was orange for no real reason other than author whimsy). Thanks for the nits and the straightforward commentary. Cheers!

*Kilroy*: I laughed at the _Lost_ reference. And I agree with you: there were a lot of unanswered questions here. Too many, likely, for such a short piece. A good lesson that I've now internalized: don't confuse the reader. Appreciate the kindness, the honest criticism, and yet another smoothly-run LM. Cheers!


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## Undutchable121 (Oct 1, 2017)

Hey everyone, what a great way to start the Sunday morning! Congrats to the other writers, and many thanks to the judges for their time to score and review our entries. It was a fun prompt, my first one. True it was a bit difficult to get it under the word limit, but still fun to write and edit nonetheless. Personally, I loved Rubisco's entry!

I can clearly see the criticism noted in the reviews. I think it's better to keep it simple sometimes, instead of adding more and making things unnecessarily complicated and steering it off the grammatical rails. I'll keep a watchful eye on it!

One final question to Cran: I'm not sure if I understand the final comment about the punchline and the par. Do you have any specific advice on how to structure a punchline the most effective way?


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## AtleanWordsmith (Oct 1, 2017)

Yeah, I should've probably scrapped the boarding party idea around the third revision and gone for something else.  It was difficult to cram it into the word count.  The good news is, I feel I've got a solid concept, even if it's already been done to the point where Cran can sigh wearily over it (please don't ban me).

Seriously, though, thanks for the time and the advice, definitely things to consider in the future.  You guys are the real MVPs.  Congrats to the winners, too!  Keep it up, guys.


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## SueC (Oct 1, 2017)

This place is so awesome! Thank you to all the judges for your very detailed and helpful notes. For what it's worth, I grew up in Chicago and I have always felt rainy days were the worst kind of days there. And yes, my character, was "wet and drippy" just like the platform. 
This was a big challenge for me. 

I'm so grateful that each of you took the time to review the works that were presented. Everyone did a super job - I read them all - and a BIG congratulations to Rubiso! Yay!


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## Cran (Oct 1, 2017)

Undutchable121 said:


> One final question to Cran: I'm not sure if I understand the final comment about the punchline and the par. Do you have any specific advice on how to structure a punchline the most effective way?


Quite simply, make sure the punchline is the last sentence of the piece. In yours, from memory, you followed the punchline with how the guy felt. That part was superfluous - the reader should be able to understand that without being told - but if you feel it necessary to include this extra information or explanation, then make sure you work it in before the punchline. He forgot his camera, and she turned up in the middle of nowhere to tell him so: that's your joke, and that's your punchline. 

Punchlines can only be followed by more punchlines, more laughs, otherwise the jokes or stories fall flat. Make sure your best laugh is the last one, unless you are a Norman Wisdom or Erma Bombeck and can tug heartstrings as a topper.



AtleanWordsmith said:


> The good news is, I feel I've got a solid concept, even if it's already been done to the point where Cran can sigh wearily over it (please don't ban me).


I don't sigh wearily over familiar stories, especially if the characters have wit and use it. And I don't ban people for hiccups in writing; my living sometimes depends on finding and fixing such hiccups. Boo!


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## Candervalle (Oct 2, 2017)

Congratulations to Rubisco, Undutchable, and SueC for their entries.


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## rubisco (Oct 9, 2017)

Wow, thanks everybody for a good competition, there were several great entries, I can't believe I won! I certainly was going for an over-the-top portrayal of men as apes. It took all of my self-control to not incorporate some sort of poo-throwing scene, but hey, I wanted to keep it realistic


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