# Smelt out.



## Olly Buckle (Oct 31, 2016)

I have searched a long time; 
walked across hot stones in bright sunlight, 
peered through windows rimed with frost, 
found myself in strange cities
and in wild countryside, lost,
but not lost. 
I sought knowing I would find
something as familiar as
the squared paving stones, apples, honey. 
Something I would know without doubt. 
Your unique scent.
Stone and sweet, 
hard and hot,
cold and sour,


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 1, 2016)

I mis-spelled smelled, thought about it, and left it as a happy accident.


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## aj47 (Nov 1, 2016)

I would break the lines differently -- I'll show you and add other comments, too.



Olly Buckle said:


> I have searched a long time;
> I would leave out *a long time*
> walked across hot stones
> in bright sunlight,
> ...



I like this.  Scent is very powerful.

I, of course am a little strange--my husband washes our bedding with his laundry so when he changes the sheets they smell like him (we use unscented laundry products).


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## aj47 (Nov 1, 2016)

Olly Buckle said:


> I mis-spelled smelled, thought about it, and left it as a happy accident.



"Fish"? I'm not sure "happy" is the word I'd use in this case.


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 1, 2016)

Fish? No I was thinking of smelting metal, extracting the essence from an ore, a smell is a sort of essence.
Some of your line breaks alter the emphasis some, I can see where you are coming from, and it does have a validity, but actually I meant it that way I think and I'll leave that as it is. I'll keepthe definite article on the stones, as well, they are the ones I walked across earlier, but some of your punctuation might get adopted, I am not great on punctuation, it is such an indefinite art. Thank you for reading it so carefully. Maybe that is why you didn't get the point of the ending, maybe:-
Your unique scent.
Stone and sweet, hard and hot.
Cold and sour. 

I'll play with that some, thanks again.


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## Ariel (Nov 1, 2016)

There is something sexy about these lines. I'm okay with the diphthong that Annie pointed out mostly because I like the ideas.  I went for metal/forge work and not fish, personally and I'm kind of fond of that idea.  I would change the last punctuation from a comma to a period.



Olly Buckle said:


> I sought knowing I would find
> something as familiar as
> the squared paving stones, apples, honey.
> Something I would know without doubt.
> ...




I do agree with Annie about dropping "a long time" and there isn't enough about the paving stones to really let us know that "the" indicates the same paving stones.  Dropping "the" at that point makes the line read more smoothly


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## aj47 (Nov 1, 2016)

Oh, I like the *idea* of sour, but when I read it aloud it sort of ... seems off.  If *tart* didn't have a connotation, it would be a good fit to my ear.  

It's sort of like, bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-thud.  It could be my Texas accent, though, so if everyone else likes it, I'll demur.


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## Ariel (Nov 1, 2016)

It might also be that the other two groupings are alliterative and the last is not.


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 1, 2016)

astroannie said:


> It's sort of like, bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-thud..



Well- yes, almost, more bang-bang, bang-bang, thud-thud



> There is something sexy about these lines.



Glad I got that across


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## ned (Nov 2, 2016)

hello - like the message in your poem, put across in an interesting way

also like the twist of the mis-spelt title.

Something I would know without doubt. 
Your unique scent. - 'unique' seems redundant here (given the preceding line)
perhaps, an opportunity for a different adjective.

cheers
Ned


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Nov 2, 2016)

Seductive, sweet and overall I find the poem to be pretty good other than the adjective but it was ok.


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 23, 2016)

Ned, Crimson, sorry I missed your comments so long, they are appreciated, you have a good point, Ned.


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