# August 2016 - LM - Out of Time - Scores



## kilroy214 (Sep 8, 2016)

August's Scores


gohn67
PrinzeCharming
kilroy214
total
Sleepwriter
18
14.5
17
16.5
danielstj
18
16.5
15
16.5
Godofwine
13
17.6
15
15.2
astroannie
16
12
15
14.3
Makili
18
11.2
12
13.73
bdcharles
15
12
14
13.6
Greyson
14
12.6
14
13.53
rcallaci
14
14.5
12
13.5
Ned
14
11.5
15
13.5
Shi
12
11.9
10
11.3
Mr. Mitchell
12
11.5
9
10.83
Vular
-
-
-
DQ*




HOLY MOLY!!! We've got ourselves a tie!
In 1st place, fighting for room at the top of the podium, we have* Sleepwriter* with *Speed* & *danielstj *with *Last Dance*
In 2nd, our very own Godofwine's On the Way to the Hospital
And rounding us out, in the 3rd, astroannie with Dragonfly*Disqualified for editing after the allotted time
​Congratulations, boys and girls, hope to see you all back in September! Like and Thank (or Lol) any stories you so choose at this point. Let me know if I made any mistakes!
And now on to the scores!!!

[spoiler2=gohn67's scores] LM Scores - August                Author: Mr mitchell 
 Story: Captivity
 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 The plot lacked surprise for me. Characters a bit generic. Was not sure about the father. Seems like he abused his daughter. Not sure why she has to save the father. Wasn't clear on her captor's connection with the father. Maybe the captor was the father?

*------------*

 Author: Vular`
 Story: The Strikezone
 SPaG: 
 Tone: 
 Effect: 
 Total: 

 Overall, I like it. I do think that structurally it seems heavy on the backstory in the middle. Probably would have liked to see more of the rattlesnake in the middle, since I forgot about the snake until the end. The cholera outbreak was interesting, but made me wonder what time period this was. Got confused about the comet image at the end--couldn't quite picture the snake. I see that you were trying to connect it to him gazing at the sky as a child though, but felt a bit forced somehow.

*------------*

 Author: rcallaci
 Story: The Robot Wars: Progeny
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 14

 Scope of this story is fairly epic, and I think that's what hurt this story the most. To be squeezed into 650 words doesn't do it justice. A lot of what happens is explained through dialogue, which removed a lot of the potential suspense.

*------------*

 Author: astroannie
 Story: Dragonfly
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 7
 Total: 16

 Clever story. Good use of the prompt. I liked how you made some of the technical details easy to understand (I especially liked the keyboard details), however I found Jeremy's scheme a bit confusing when it got to the Windows 10 part and that he saw Windows 7 in the boot menu. I've set up dual boot with Windows 10 and Ubuntu before using Grub as the bootloader. So I think it's maybe too technical for most readers. So I think the references to Windows 7 in the boot menu seem irrelevant. I think the mother upgraded to Windows 10 and apparently that fixed the bug in Windows 7. I also think the mother knows computers very well herself, but I think it's not clear in the story that she is. I think the clue for me is that she has Linux/Windows on the same machine, but also set up a cron shutdown the computer. 

*------------*

 Author: bdcharles
 Story: Logos
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 15

 I like the humor of the ads on the toilets. Great idea. Not sure why no one has done it yet! I was confused about the AdWorld ads on the toilet in the opening paragraph. Took a me a bit to understand what you were describing. My favorite phrase was "idiotic persistence of an earworm." I also like the use of the prompt. You took a unique route. Everything up to the ending was working well for me. The ending didn't feel right to me. Smashing the corporate hegemony seems like a bit too obvious a direction to take what was a unique premise and use of the prompt.

*------------*

 Author: godofwine
 Story: On the Way to the Hospital
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 13

 You do a good job of showing Davin and Glen as good friends through their dialogue. But felt a bit too dialogue heavy considering there's a cop on their tail. I didn't get why Glen was driving that fast. 140 mph is really dangerous. Is this in the middle of the day with a decent amount of traffic?

*------------*

 Author: Sleepwriter
 Story: Speed
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 8
 Total: 18

 Good work on the suspense, you had me reading to the next paragraph each time to find out what happened to the boy. I laughed at the end, but I was also disappointed that it ended in a punchline. I don't know I think you did such a good job building the suspense and the scenario and showing Steve's concussed state that to have it end as a joke didn't sit well with me since he injured and could have killed this kid.

*------------*

 Author: Greyson
 Story: It Helps...Eventually
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 14

 Good execution of the story and the punchline and it fits the prompt, but I felt the satire of the psychologist was maybe a bit stereotypical.

*------------*

 Author: Shi
 Story: Lucidity
 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 You do a great job describing Tae's alcoholism. I got really confused at the end. Not sure who the he was and his relationship to Tae and the he was going. I think knowing that relationship in more detail would have helped me a lot. I think the voice is relatively strong, but you have quite a bit of tense shifts.

*------------*

 Author: Makili
 Story: Regret
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 8
 Total: 18

 You have a strong narrative voice. Reads well. I do think that the word limit hindered the story a bit. Mainly I feel like you had to summarize a lot to get the whole story and that led to some generic details. But the voice really carries this story through.

*------------*

 Author: Ned
 Story: Out of Time
 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 14

 Good punchline. I like how you tied it into the prompt. Telephone box sounds like a reference to Dr. Who. With that said, I'm not a huge fan of punchline endings. There's a dry humor to this piece that I think works ok for me, humor being very subjective.


*------------*

 Author: danielstj
 Story: Last Dance
 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 8
 Total: 18

 Strong writing. Really carries the story for me. I think story-wise, I would read more about these two. I think you did a good job given the word limit. I think that's a good sign of a good LM story, is if I would want to read more. I think this story borders on being too sentimental and I think that's drawback of the word limit.​[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=PrinzeCharming's scores]Hey everyone! I guess I’m out of time! There hasn’t been enough time lately. I was pleased to read a few of your stories. As always, don’t focus too much on the scores (they’re simply calculations based off of impressions and brief analysis). Focus on the critique itself and if you feel the need to reach out to me outside the final score thread, please feel free to shoot a PM. I will be willing to work with you and I will offer more advice. Thank you. Keep writing. Good luck, and stay strong! 

​Captivity
 Mr mitchell
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 4.5
 Overall: 11.5


 The title is interesting. I am somewhat intrigued to find out more about the captivity.


 The first line is pretty dull to introduce the reader into the story. Okay, Katy opens her eyes. She realizes she’s in a basement. At this point of the story, the reader wants to be engaged with Katy. Make us feel for Katy. What made her previously close her eyes? How does Katy feel as she opens her eyes? Is she in pain? Is she opening her eyes after being unconscious? If someone were to kidnap Katy, and make her suffer for whatever reason, at least give us some emotion to this opening first sentence. Regardless how she feels, let us feel something about her opening her eyes and being in a basement. I recommend omitting the second, ‘of’ in the following sentence. In fact, the safety of her bed would imply the comfort of home. The sentence fluency, or flow of words, is unbalanced with the second ‘of’ so you should rephrase these thoughts. “Home comforts” is a little awkward as well, especially in, “and of home comforts.” Refine this around something like, “The comfort of her home.”


Okay, interesting. She’s wiggling from being tied to a chair. Wouldn’t she feel something prior to this? Wouldn’t she feel some sort of discomfort as she opened her eyes? You missed a perfect moment to foreshadow an event. Keywords - “sealed tightly with duct tape.” Come on. She seriously “just” opened her eyes and thought to herself, “Oh, I am in a basement.” You’re very disconnected to your own character. This is rather awkward that I, the reader, should know how your character feels without you disclosing it. Be your character. Be Katy. Tie yourself up. Feel discomfort. Don’t discover discomfort if it doesn’t exist. Clearly, it does. 
 When she asks, “Where am I?” make it distinct. Italicize it.


 Why does it have to be a guy? Why couldn’t it be another woman? Why not a group of men or women? What makes this a man’s job? Although you said, ‘free’ twice, the second time seems a bit redundant. We already know she’s trying to wiggle free. Why remind us? Add an ‘n’ to ‘a unnatural smile’ to be “an unnatural smile.” “She asked while she sobbed,” isn’t necessary. We already understand this.


 Wait, she what? Stared to bleed? You meant, “started,” right? I can understand the title connection. Nice job with that. I am not entirely satisfied with the story. You have a lot of room to refine and rephrase. You need to polish the ending. It was weak and left the reader questioning. It’s rather frustrating to leave us with unanswered questions. There was quite a lot of disconnect with your own characters. Try to be your characters and feel what they feel. This is the only way to write effectively. Imagine the setting you create and play in it. I want to score higher for effect, but you left an awkward unfinished taste in my mouth. Poor Katy. Thanks for sharing.


 The Strikezone
 Vulgar
 SPaG: 
 Tone/Voice: 
 Effect: 
 Overall: 


 The title is interesting. What’s a strikezone? I know the end zone in an American football game. Enlighten me. 
 The first line is getting on my nerves. Why is he sprawled on the ground? What desert? Give us a geographical location. Wow, a beetle.

 "Sup, beetle?"
“Just chillin’, Julio. Just chillin'.”


Again, what’s going on? What makes him in this condition? Why does it matter if he can’t shoo a beetle away? Dozens of miles away? Dozens? Interesting. Exaggerating, but okay. You could easily say, “Miles away.” Again, why does he need to be hospitalized? Now, finally, a snake bite. Was it that difficult? Why did we have to wait so long to figure it out? Connect and engage your readers. The last part, “-he tends to be short on .... ones,” doesn’t add anything to the story. You could refine the entire first paragraph and sell the reader your story more effectively.


 In the following paragraph, the only thing that stands out to make a comment is the last line, “an area of about an acre.” Does it matter? If the area was too much to survey, wouldn’t it then be known he couldn’t do it all in one day?
 I love the bond between the mother and son. I admire the sentimental pastimes and the trip down memory lane. I am still not sure what to take from this story other than the snake and the flashbacks as the venom travels throughout his body. There’s a lot of potential to make this story offer more to the reader. Quality over quantity. Omit the verbosity, and give the reader something more to this piece. Overall, great read. Thanks for sharing.


 The Robot Wars; Progeny
 rcallaci
 SPaG: 3.9
 Tone/Voice: 4.6
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14.5


 Your titles are always white vans advertising ice cream treats during the summer. I don’t know what to expect, other than a robotic warfare, but I am still sold.


 As I read the beginning, forgive me but you’re just as corrupted, I thought I read, “libidinous” which - next to ‘falcon’ gave off an interesting take on the Alfred Hitchcock’s movie, “The Birds.” Those little peckers! Okay, before I go into more innuendos, I always enjoy your SyFy writing style. “Aide de camp” - effective use of terminology. Kudos! Don’t get livid on me, but there should be a comma after Lividious and before, “are the ships ready...” Oh, perhaps it should have been Libidinous Falcon. Feel free to drop a comma after sir. 
 Although I am not a big fan of reading SyFy as I do watching it, your stories are always engaging to the reader. I had to read a few lines over again because there was a lot to digest. My brain often felt fried when I realized what was happening. Thanks again for this engaging piece. I love how you still incorporate some mature content. I suppose if you didn’t, I’d have to ask if you were feeling okay. 

 Dragonfly
 astroannie
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3.5
 Effect: 4.5
 Overall: 12


 The title is bold and intriguing. Not just quite literally. What about this dragonfly? I guess we’ll find out. 
 The beginning line left an awkward taste in my mouth. It’s like, “Okay, now what? Explain yourself.” If the reader wasn’t a gamer (at all), they wouldn’t be familiar with Steam. This would be a story published for the PC gaming communities. Okay, now we confirm what Dragonfly we’re talking about. Thanks for the clarification.


 I am not a parent, but it irks me when a child does something simply for compensation. I say compensation because Lord only knows the poor child was suffering while doing these chores. Look kid, I was never paid. I had a roof over my head and a homemade dinner every night. Grow some skin when something needs to be done.


 Overall, this story was bland and has potential to become something more. The dry humor might engage the reader before the first eye roll. I admire the connection to the prompt, but it almost felt like reading one of my online journal entries from when I was twelve.  On a YA level, Jeremy’s peers would either find this extremely entertaining or stay completely lost until the end. Clarification is important, especially if any non-gaming communities attempt to read this piece. Thanks for sharing. 

 It Helps... Eventually
 Greyson
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 5.6
 Overall: 12.6


 What helps (eventually)? The title doesn’t really do much for me. Try to create something more engaging. What exactly is this about? I could name a lot of things that will help eventually in the long run. Studying. Practicing. Productivity. Engagement. There are so many different themes involved behind your ambiguity. Imagine your title was on the cover of a magazine. Would anyone read, “It Helps,” alone? Regardless how effective the help becomes for the readers, would it actually sell the reader’s attention? We all want help. We could all use the help we don’t want. Let’s find out.


 The font alone is not being friendly to my eyes. I’ll point that out before I continue. I guess you prefer text that looks more condense and organized. That’s fine. I am not going to count this against your score. In the beginning, try something like this: 
 Original: 

“I feel like no one likes me,” I said, looking at the purple and blue canvas hanging above the doctor’s head
 Suggestion: 
 The purple and blue canvas hung above the doctor’s head. I paid little to no attention to (his/her) hideous mole on their upper lip. “I feel like no one likes me.” 
Don’t take the suggestion literally. Take it as an idea to engage the reader more. Invite the reader inside the room. 
 Further down you bring up the painting again:


“I said pointing to the purple and blue some might have called art. Still, he said nothing. He didn't even turn to look at the painting.”
Omit the first sentence. Don’t point. We already have the impression the attention was sent directly to the art. Don’t make fun of the art either. You might be trying to be funny, but it’s not the most creative way to do it. Keep everything after ‘art’.


I can relate to your story. I know what’s it like to sit down and talk to someone about my problems. Running out of time is always an issue. I covered too much in an hour. It was never enough. The beginning is engaging, and the ending folds the story too quickly. There’s a lot of potential to make this quick read more engaging. Omit a few of the verbose areas, ad sell the reader more about this kid. 
 Thanks for sharing. 


 Lucidity
 Shi
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 4.9
 Overall: 11.9


 I have to chuckle for a minute. I hope there’s no irony in the title. I am expecting lucidity about lucidity throughout this piece. Overall, the title is intriguing. The first sentence could be tightened and refined more. 

 Example: 
 Another pint of gin washed down her throat, relishing in its burn. She was tipping over the edge as the floor had started to tilt and the lights began to dance.


 The sentence fluency, or flow of words, is smooth here. Try to play around with the words and choose the most effective descriptions to express your feelings. The repetition of the clock’s ticks could be expressed differently as well. As more gin is consumed, there’s nothing but slurs and blurs. I admire the professionalism depicted from the bartender. I am not sure about Tae’s buddies. What was she trying to forget? Who was going on the plane? There’s a lot of ambiguity. Is that it? Did you intend to use ambiguity for a title about clarity? I am lost for words here. Awkward. I can sense the feelings at the end. They are left for the reader to question whether or not she cared. Anyway, there’s a lot of potential here to refine and effectively deliver the story to your readers. Thanks for sharing.


 Regret
 Makili
 SPaG: 3
 Tone/Voice: 3.2
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 11.2


 The title is mysterious to some degree. What are we regretting? Is it worth the regret? I am always intrigued to read your work. 
 First, give your character an identifier other than a pronoun. Who is she? I can sense her emotions, but I’d like to know her more as a person. Secondly, you can omit ‘there’ because it’s not necessary. Note, “as the serenity of the landscape would soothe her,” would work fine. You can rephrase this sentence as: 
“Despite the pain, she had to reach the summit. The serenity of the landscape soothed her throbbing mind and calmed her racing thoughts. Her brother’s imminent death took a toll on her mentally and emotionally. This was her escape.”


After mountains, omit “where she spent her lonely old age.” It doesn’t add anything significant to the family who paid her occasional visits. Drop the, ‘but’. Capitalize, “She.” You have a habit of long sentences. Reflect on the verbosity and ask yourself if it’s needed. Give yourself a bullet breakdown. 

 Ex. 
 1. But she couldn’t imagine 
 2. how her brother looked 
 3. in his last moments 
 4. as the last memory 
 5. that she had of his face 
 6. was more than thirty years old.


 Now, question every word. Why ‘but”? She simply couldn’t imagine. There’s no ‘if’s’, ‘and’s’, or ‘but’s’ about it. Well, how else would he appear to look? What last moments would those be? Why not throw clarity and say, ‘death’? There's a better way to refine this. First, she could imagine. It’s possible. Maybe she doesn’t want to imagine, but it’s possible. Start with this, “The last time she had seen her brother’s face was thirty years ago. She refused to imagine what he looked like as death slowly took over.” Refine it as you wish. Why not say, “the hazy memory,” it works better. Verbosity. Please reread your work. Too many run on sentences. I like the way the ending connected with the beginning. The overall story idea is extremely sentimental and admirable. I appreciate the relationships between each of the characters. Due to the verbosity, I couldn’t fully engage and appreciate this story. The tone was very distracting. It was almost more of a diary entry than something worth the read. Omit all the unnecessary words. Try to find the main message and deliver it effectively. Thanks for sharing. Keep 
 writing. 

 Logos
 bdcharles
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect:  5
 Overall: 12


 The title is weird. I am not sure what to expect. As I am reading the first line, I am a little weird about reading ‘toilet’ and ‘cubicle’ in the same sentence. As I am reading the story, there’s a lot of areas of concern. I like the vivid imagery, but it seems clustered rather than organized. Your stories are never usually this hard to follow. The beginning was a bit messy, but towards the end it started to clear up. I didn’t really feel anything special from this other than a typical workplace environment. Thanks for sharing. 

 Out of Time
 ned
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect:  4.5
 Overall: 11.5


 Well, the title is the prompt. Okay, not original in the sense of creativity, but it still leaves the mysterious originality of the prompt itself. I am intrigued to find out how you will utilize the prompt with an original outcome.
 Interesting introduction. I discovered an awkward typo that lead me off the flow of the first sentence: 
“... as he calibrates the couplings of a an elaborate looking power unit ...”
Omit ‘a’ and keep ‘an elaborate’.


Unless ‘red telephone box’ should be capitalized, ‘a’ should be added within, “on top of - a - red telephone box.” It’s not THE red telephone box, being the one and only, it’s A red telephone box. Do you understand? 
 Try to focus more attention on the dialogue. Drop the ‘says’ and build something around the dialogue. 
 Narration + dialogue. 

 Ex. 
 Professor Watson smiles. “Yeah, I like this judge’s advice!”
Crick nods in agreement. “Ned, you should take some notes!” 
The reader wants more than the, “He said / She said.” 
Overall, the format is clustered and difficult to follow. Try to reformat next time prior to final submission. The plot seems like a take on Doctor 
 Who. I wish I knew what was going on other than testing mice in a time machine. I mean, I finally understood more as I kept reading it over. This story could have been more engaging. Thanks for sharing.


 On the Way to the Hospital
 godofwine
 SPaG: 4.8
 Tone/Voice: 4.8
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 17.6


 Well, the title is straightforward. Now, what happens next? Why are we going to the hospital? Let’s find out. 
 Wow, that was a fast paced read! I am pleased from start to finish. You engage the reader as if we were in the backseat. I admire the relationship depicted between the two characters. There was a lot of character building throughout the piece. I am not sure what to say at this point other than a title suggestion. Try to be more engaging with the title to compliment the story, like Hospital Highway. Overall, thanks for this engaging piece. I am sure there’s a few things to polish and refine to make a smoother story dialogue. 

 Speed
 Sleepwriter
 SPaG: 4.5
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14.5


 Speed. Okay. It’s a movie title. What else? I admire the line, “a chorus of blaring horns.” That’s perfectly fitting for the scenario. I appreciate the escalating fear, angst, and hostility among the crowd. It’s a natural event that would typically happen, and should be depicted throughout the story as it unfolds. Good job. This fast paced, no pun intended, dialogue is easy on the eyes. In the end, the suspense dissipates to a pizza delivery. The last line was weak, but it was hilarious. Thanks for this engaging read. 


 Last Dance
 danielstj
 SPaG: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4.5
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 16.5


 The title is relaxing and reassuring for some reason. I guess I always look at the glass half full. I could hear Ave Maria play as I read the first line. The fact that it was, ‘their’ song shows a lot of sentimental value despite being a simple word to indicate possession. This now draws the line between ‘a’ song and ‘our’ song. The only suggestion is to give more clarity to the room. What kind of room? Don’t leave it at ‘room’ as this is ambiguous unless you want the reader to discover the significance shortly after.


 Wait, forget how they said it. What did the doctor say? Careful with what? Dude, stop using, the ambiguous ‘it’. Okay, now we get IT. Phew, I almost lost myself there. Throw a few more commas in, “You, my beautiful princess, chose ...”


Well, damn. That was touching. Mr. Sentimental. This must have been inspired by a Nicholas Spark book.


 Your writing style is always engaging. I am always ready to read your work. In fact, despite the entry’s position, it wasn’t the last one I read. I made sure to read it sooner. Despite the ambiguity in the beginning, I admire the relationship depicted between Jake and Marley. It truly was the last dance. Damn it, Daniel, the feels!  Thanks for sharing!
[/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=kilroy214's scores] *Mr Mitchel
 Captivity

* SPaG: 3
 Tone: 2
 Effect:4
 Total: 9

 There is a nice tenseness in this story, almost giving it a thriller aspect. However, it seems this piece needed a heavy polishing of a re-edit. There were several SPaG instances that riddled this piece; wrong verb tenses, inconsistent tense throughout actually, missing words, wrong grammar (lying, not laying). These problems did not help the tone of the piece, as it made for a jarring read.

 I found myself asking in a hushed whisper through most of this read, "What the hell is going on?" It seems that every paragraph opens a new Pandora's Box of questions that never seem to get resolved.

 There were instances that I don't think felt very realistic, for instance, for a girl who has just been abducted, awoken bound to a chair and suddenly face to face with a creepy creep such as described that asks her, "I've seen you around acting unladylike..."
 I highly doubt an 18 year old in that situation would retort, "I'm a bloody teenager, so what do you expect?"
 I think her response would be something more like, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAA!" 
 Unless being abducted is a common occurrence for her, I don't know.



*Vulgar
 The Strikezone*

 First off, I thought the opening line was great. It was clear, concise and sets the scene in as little words as possible.
 After that, I thought the rest of the first paragraph felt borderline 'Telling, not Showing'. It wasn't totally telling, but it felt for a second there I was getting spoon fed some exposition, which is something you should avoid at all costs.

 Also, when I read he was paralyzed from the neck down, I assumed he'd broken his neck, in say, a fall. Then to find it was a snake bite was a little jarring. I not familiar with how rattlesnake venom affects people, but if it does paralyze them, he would be paralyzed all over, not just from the neck down.

 "Stargazing was one of his favorite past times and his mother before the ..." - I think you meant m*other's,* unless his mother was one of his favorite pastimes as well, in which case, this story just got a whole lot weirder.

 The story also had a really good closing, a nice summing up of things. There just didn't seem to be much in the middle of the story. The stuff about his mother was okay, but felt more like filler than story.

 It was a good read, and your SPaG was pretty clean for the most part, which made for a smooth read, which is always appreciated.

*
 The Robot Wars
 rcallaci

*SPaG: 3 
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 I hoped to see some sci fi crop up, and I am always happy to see you trek into the realms of the ole realms of science fiction. I have to say, what was up with all the capitalized words; Era, Armada, Pyrrhic, New Dawn? I didn't quite understand as none of these were proper nouns, unless A New Dawn was a ship that was awaiting the 3000, but if it was, there reader is never told.

 I thought you stayed truthful that the story was a 'historic account' and it read mostly as one, but I don't think that was the best way to tell a fictitious story. It read very academic, like it was something that came from a history text book, which did not do much to convey any intensity or connection to the characters.

 I have to also say, this sounded very close, almost too close, to the plot of Battlestar Galactica. The ending also felt very reminiscent of Moonraker.


*AstroAnnie
 Dragonfly

*SPaG:5 
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 5
 Total: 15

 This was a very clean story, I did not notice any SPaG errors at all. It was well descripted, I felt immersed in the story for the most part, witnessing this poor guy's 1st world problem. And while I can't empathize with the poor chap(MMORPG's were never my thing) I can sympathize.

 My only nit is that it just didn't feel like a lot happened. The protagonist's conundrum is downplayed even by he, so the reader does not feel much emotion when his predicament occurs. I also felt like there was some computer tech-talk I was not picking up on either, but I'm about as computer illiterate as they come when it comes to going beneath the surface of most OS's, so I guess that's to be expected with me.


*Greyson
 It Helps...Eventually
*
 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 14

 This was funny in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way. I was happy to see that the humor was kept subtle.  SPaG was pretty clean for the most part, there were only a few nits that I had with anything of that nature, mostly where the MC is thinking to himself. There is one line that has quotations, as if he spoke, but we're told he thought this dialogue was a thought, while two sentences earlier, his thoughts were not quoted at all. There is also a line of dialogue near the beginning where the MC says the word 'something' about 3 times in the span of 10 words.

 Keeping things like this consistent go a long way in keeping the reader from getting confused. That was my main qualm about this piece was there were several times I felt confused by dialogue and had to reread a few times over to make sure I had got it right. Doing this causes a reader to never connect with the story because they can never immerse themselves fully when they have to keep stopping to make sure they've got down what they've read.

 "What was it Aristotle said, 'better to allow people to think you're an idiot than to open your mouth and remove any doubt'? - Mark Twain, actually.



*Shi
 Lucidity
*
 SPaG: 2.5
 Tone: 2.5
 Effect: 5
 Total: 10

 First and foremost, I thought this was a well structured, well rounded story that fit nicely in the word constraints. It read smoothly, for the most part, and had left a bit of mystery for the imagination of the reader at the end, which was nice.
 There were a few things that did not jive well, however, and I'm sorry, but the 'tick tock said the clock' lines were aggravating to say the least. The fact that they aren't capitalized, even though they start a sentence (which is clearly defined by the period at the end of their line) was even more annoying. First of all, 'Tick tock said the clock' sounds cliché and almost juvenile, as if we tripped into a nursery rhyme or something. If anything, them and their lines should be formatted differently, perhaps italicized or in quotations. They feel ghostly, almost ethereal to the rest of the story, and they should be reflected as such.

 There was also several instances where the tense shifts in the story, from past tense, to present, and back to past.

 Also, I don't know how much you know about booze, bars, alcohol or the metric system, but you either don't know how much a pint is or what exactly gin is.

 A pint is equal to 16oz's, and in bars, a pint is the usually how beer and ale are served on draft. Gin is a spirit made from, to make a long story short, juniper berries, and is used in such drinks as Gin-and-Tonics, and Martinis.
 Anybody who chugged 16oz's of gin in one sitting (let alone 2-3, however many the MC has) would go blind and probably die of alcohol poisoning. Her blood could probably kill mosquitoes or vampires at this point. 
 Gin is kind of one of those drinks you would sip, like a scotch, or a good whiskey, and even if someone wanted a pint serving of it, a barkeep would not serve it to them, and would probably direct them to a local liquor store where they could by a bottle by the pint, because most bars don't like it when people die inside their business. 
 It scares the other customers.

 For all this, I really liked the story, it felt like it's heart was in the right place, and with a reedit and perhaps another set of eyes to look it over, this is well on the way to being a very strong, well written piece


*Makili
 Regret*

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 There is a very strong descriptive and narrative voice to your work. It is easy to navigate your work with such a firm, narrative trail to follow. I think, though, that might be the problem with this entry. There is a lot of narrative and not much else that goes on, a case of too much story going on in the 650 word allowance. It just seems that if we saw some of this interaction between characters it would help the reader feel more involved with the story that reading about it through exposition. It almost has the quality that we are seeing everything long after the fact, like it's a story about a story, or journal entry.


*bdcharles
 Logos*

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 14

 This was very clean read. There was a sense of eeriness throughout, I don't really know how to describe it, but it felt there was a building up of tension as the story went on and on, and just as it felt it was going to come to a head, it just kind of defused. There is an uneasy intensity that I felt, and it was really disappointing that there really isn't a pay off.


*Ned
 Out of Time*

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effort: 7
 Total: 15

 This was a very interesting and refreshing take on a time travel story, and I can't tell you how happy you kept the present tense up in the story. The homage to Dr. Who with the red telephone box was a little ham fisted, I thought, but it was alright. The only real nit I have is I think there could have been a little more description about what was going on, especially with the 'first time machine' they tested. It felt like the conversation with Dr. Angus rambled on a little too long, but overall, it felt pretty solid.


*On the Way to the Hospital
 Godofwine*

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 15

 There was some great intensity to this story, these two are rushing to the hospital with some pretty good dialogue going on between the two. The reader feel like they're in the backseat, watching everything that's going on. Then, there is this moment about 3/4 of the way through the story where the two start to relax, they're almost there, and they start talking about how one helped the other get laid, and it just let all the air out. The dialogue suddenly became so corny, these two men have been on edge to get to this hospital this whole time, why do they suddenly relax now. This guy, Glen, would be hauling ass right up to the point he got to the hospital room he was going for. It's like story literally took its foot off the gas too soon.
 All tension, all the intensity that the story built up to this point is suddenly just gone.

 Why would these two guys, when trying to get to their daughter who was in labor suddenly start to reminisce about old conquests.

 It also gives the reader time to think about the situation, and how crazy it actually sounds. Giving birth doesn't happen in the span of 5 minutes. It usually takes hours, and we read they just had to drive across town. They felt the need to fly at 140 mph across town to slow down 2 miles from the hospital and get arrested, when they could have just gone 55 the whole time, showed up ten minutes later, and not been arrested at all.

 Also, I can only speak from personal experience, but most fathers don't want to see their daughter's give birth, and most daughters don't want their father's to watch.

*
 Sleepwriter
 Speed*

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 7
 Total: 17

 Dude! Oh my god, that is so fucked up! I can't stop laughing. Jesus.
 Okay, let me compose myself.

 Alright. This was a clean, well written, for the most part, shot at some _really_ dark humor, and it hit the mark. There was a paragraph, the one where he misses the skateboarder, that felt...I don't know, out of place? maybe just not well described, but it made me stop to try to iron our what I was reading, and I was still confused. Did he hit the skateboarder? I thought he missed him. If he didn't hit the skateboarder, who the hell did he hit? Did he hit a jaywalker?


*
 danielstj
 Last Dance

*SPaG:5 
 Tone: 4
 Effort: 6
 Total: 15

 This was sweet tale about accepting that everything has to come to an end and making peace with it. It was written well, and written with a strong voice, and I liked that about it. 
 The only real chink I found in the writing was the paragraph describing Jake's brain tumor. I felt that got a little too close to the realm of telling and not showing. To be honest, I think you could have got away easily without telling the reader what they are dying from. Both are pretty up there in years, there's a bevvy of things the reader can imagine that could be summing up the last days of these folk's lives, and it's nice to sometimes leave things up to the imagination to the reader, and I think this was one of those instances.  [/spoiler2]​​


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## PrinzeCharming (Sep 8, 2016)

*Congratulations Writers!
*


*Sleepwriter & danielstj **Well deserved!*


*Godofwine
astroannie*


*Honorable Mention**All the other talented participants!
Keep writing, guys!*


*Special Thanks: 
**kilroy214
**Judges
*



*

*
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**
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*​


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## rcallaci (Sep 9, 2016)

thanks once again to the judges-and kilroy as always. 

I guess I fell flat this time even though I loved this story. It goes to show you what you may think is grand the readers may think it's not so grand. A writers life.

Now I'm a capitol asshole  and I got to stop following my rules but those of proper grammar. I like to capitalize  words that I want to emphasize even though they are not nouns. Bad habit...

I love Battlestar Galactica - and maybe deep down in the back of my mused fucked head I made a similar story but  I can assure you that was not my intention. My story is a robot history of the robot wars that happened in my Juliana series I've been writing for one of the minor challenges here. There really are no new ideas and if you are extremely well read or watch a slew of movies and tv you can pick out any story that has similar ideas to another - My story, as you say, may be similar, but it's not the same,  and in everything I write I try to be as original as possible, I hope you're not inferring otherwise. 

thank you all again----


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## aj47 (Sep 9, 2016)

Thanks judges. Special thanks to double-duty kilroy.

Congrats to Sleepwriter and danielstj and godofwine.


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## PiP (Sep 9, 2016)

Congratulations! Awards are on their way


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## bdcharles (Sep 9, 2016)

Great job guys  Congrats to the winners and runners up and, as always, super thanks to the erstwhile panel of judges and organisers for their time


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## escorial (Sep 9, 2016)

well done


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## ned (Sep 9, 2016)

salutations to Sleepy and Daniel - and thank you judges


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## Sleepwriter (Sep 9, 2016)

I'm deeply humbled and honored to share this win with Daniel.   Congrats to Godofwine and Annie as well!        


A huge thank you to the judges Gohn67, Prinzecharming, and our host who pulled double duty as a judge, Kilroy!

Gohn,   I thought about finishing the story following the driver and kid, but I was in need of some humor.  Sorry it didn't sit well, but you did laugh, so it was a success in my eyes.

PC,  The title is lame, but I enjoyed the movie by the same name    Agreed, the last line was weak and at the time couldn't come up with anything better.

Kilroy,  I'm glad you liked it. I will have to look at that paragraph because he did hit the skateboarder.


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## Bard_Daniel (Sep 9, 2016)

I am very grateful to share this award with Sleepwriter. Thank you judges for putting the time and the effort into judging. Also, congratulations to the other winners!


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## Makili (Sep 10, 2016)

Congratulations to the winners, thanks to the judges!
Well done everyone
Looking forwards to being on the judging side this month. I expect it to be an experience full of revelations!


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## godofwine (Sep 12, 2016)

congrats to the winners, placers, entrants and thanks to the judges for your hard work and time


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