# The Caging



## SilverMoon (Jun 1, 2010)

Night, the swath
behind the moon,
anthracite and yellow belly
wedded by finger pointing.
Baby stars bat an eye lid
while I say “No!”
“I’ll not nurture this family with my pen”

It’s the carving knife I use
to slice pages I wrote you, sky, 
when you were easily romanced
before he dismembered me.
The night I felt holy
then judged and jailed.

I could not smile the other day
when a child pointed to the sun.

My lips, handcuffed.


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## Eiji Tunsinagi (Jun 1, 2010)

This one - rather brutal -- very moody.  I like it.  

stephen


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## SilverMoon (Jun 1, 2010)

Thank you, Stephen. Because it's a compact poem I used "sharp imaging" which does give it that bite. Glad you appreciated the mood of it all. Laurie


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## Foxryder (Jun 1, 2010)

The imagery here is a dark but well-penned one. It also seems short to me although I don't expect you to change you mind on this. Maybe it's just my urge for more.

Thanks,

Foxryder.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Foxyder, funny you mention length. This is probably the shortest poem I've ever written. Usually they go on for sometime. Glad you appreciated it. Laurie


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## ash somers (Jun 2, 2010)

this gave me goose bumps when i read it earlier today
and then i gave a shudder - it must have hit a nerve  

i do think though, there's something required in stanza two
to straighten out the he, me, you bizzo, it's a bit overkill ...

or was that your intention ? 

i think it would pack the punch it so deserves with a tidy up 
is just what struck me as i was reading it for the fourth time 



> It’s the carving knife I use
> to slice pages I wrote you
> when you were easily romanced
> before he dismembered me
> ...


but please, take me with a grain of salt, SilverMoon 

and i think the last line is fantastic, love the imagery


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi, Ash. I made some changes in stanza two and I do think it reads for the better. Thank You. I'm glad you enjoyed the "haunt". Was my full attention to get nerves crawling. Thank you for your attention! Laurie


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## Seven (Jun 2, 2010)

Very beautiful imagery. It sets an amazing atmosphere, but it's hard for me to describe...

Perhaps... Vengeful with a bit of a helpless undertone?


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Thank you, Seven. I wasn't looking so much for vengeful. In all truth, the woman allowed herself to let this man cause her to sink so deeply. He does come across as "villanous" and this is all coming from her persepective. I'm just now taking a second look at "vengefull". Do you mean her refusal to write "pretty" e.g. the sky after the break up? I wrote this more as her incapability to write about beauty since the ugly struck her. But there's no denying she's angry.

I'm glad you enjoyed the atmosphere of it all and the imagery. Laurie


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## Gumby (Jun 2, 2010)

Yes, this one has a very moody and edgy feel to it Laurie. You got those feelings across very well.


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## MaggieG (Jun 2, 2010)

SilverMoon said:


> Night is the curtain behind the moon *(trying to conjure that image in my head )*
> anthracite and yellow belly *( I am almost inclined to think that "hard-coal" might be better than anthracite. Anthracite seems almost too big of a word for this piece ) *
> wedded by finger pointing
> baby stars bat an eye lid
> ...



I have been reading this off, and on this morning. The word "wedded" is bugging me . lol The image connected to that word is very specific, and not seeing it more played out distracts. 

My apologies if this is a bit rambling, but hopefully you get what I am seeing


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Maggie, thanks for the time you took to break this down. But I can't let "wedded' go above all else. Ha! I almost wrote "Black anthracite" and then realized it would have been redundant. I wanted this word to contrast "yellow belly". I've been studying Sylvia Plath and some others of her genre and have been noticing the mix of words; complex and then the simple close by. I find it appealing so henceforth anthracite along with yellow belly. Mind you, I'm experimenting, here. I'm pleased you liked the last line. I usually end my work with a punch of some sort.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks, Cindy. Definetely an edgy piece and am glad you like it for what it is.


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## Nellie (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Laurie,

I like this piece. It's short and to the point, full of imagery. The woman in this poem let's it all out by saying, 





> “No!”
> “I’ll not nurture this family with my pen”



I like the use of "wedded".  It gives me the feeling she's hell-bent on doing so.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi, Nellie. Thank you for enjoying the use of imagery and word "wedded" which was used as a point of "connection", directed lyrically. Nothing concrete about it, so I appreciate your wry humour!


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## SilverMoon (Jun 4, 2010)

Thank you. Absorbed.


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## J.R. MacLean (Jun 5, 2010)

This is an arresting work with haunting, intruiging qualities. I have a few minor suggestions:



SilverMoon said:


> Night is the swath behind the moon
> anthracite and yellow belly
> wedded by finger*s* pointing*;*
> baby stars bat an eye lid*s*
> ...


 
Excellent work Laurie, very 'stretchy'. I like it a lot.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 5, 2010)

Thanks so much, J.R. I usually go for the "haunt" though am now experimenting with the haunting in a more etherial way. It's difficult to pin my work. Sometimes, I'm painfully direct. Well, we'll see what comes up next and I will be taking your suggestions into strong consideration. Thank you, again. Laurie


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## Chesters Daughter (Jun 9, 2010)

I love this, Laurie, it's positively dripping with darkness. I like the use of wedded, I think it works very well. I love that last line, both original and brilliant, it makes for some image, that's for sure. If I remember correctly, originally it read a little different, upper and lower included, I believe. What was it exactly? I'd like to compare.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 9, 2010)

Lisa, here you go. Just pulled it out from Word. Interesting how changing just a little can make a big difference! And this is also very interesting. People feel strongly about the last line (in the revision!) Some are a big Yay nor Nay. I say Stay! 



> The Caging
> 
> Night is the curtain behind the moon
> anthracite and yellow belly
> ...


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## vangoghsear (Jun 9, 2010)

Moody, moody, moody.  I fall in the camp of those who like the last line.  

I wonder if the word "is" here takes away from the poetic feel and tries to make it too concrete:



> Night* is *the swath behind the moon
> anthracite and yellow belly



Perhaps this instead?

Night, the swath behind the moon
anthracite and yellow belly

I like this.  Very nice work Laurie.


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## SilverMoon (Jun 9, 2010)

What seems to be a minor change makes for a great outcome! Thanks, van. You were dead on! :salut:


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