# Departing



## Firemajic (Dec 30, 2014)

*You went willingly into the dark
I screamed your name
begging you to come back to me
and I was shattered
you shimmered in the purple gloom
iridescent-- vague
your image receding
in stunning slow motion
and I was afraid

You went into the dark
and I wept your name
so far away you were
--so far away
you waved your hand and 
you were gone so far away
I was afraid

I plunged into the dark
chasing my need for you
and I heard you scream 
 no-- no go back
but I ran to you
and I shimmered-- iridescent
no longer afraid I went
into the dark




*


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## Gargh (Dec 30, 2014)

Deeply moving.

I have read it through a few times and each time found the rhythm and rhyme more natural, which confirms me in my opinion that you could probably still work on where you've placed the line breaks a little to convey the most through your words. 

Your style and voice has been developing new strength lately... it feels like a little extra awareness of the reader, pushing a tilt towards art for its own sake as much as catharsis. If that makes sense?


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## rcallaci (Dec 30, 2014)

A well constructed rip roaring piece of poetry.- First off the imagery and story setting was off the charts-

 I felt I was in a storm -thunder flaring rain beating and the winds a blazing. Two lovers holding on to each other saying their farewells as the first lover goes on a spirit quest into the dark to fight evil head on. The other lover screams for him not to go her fear holding her back but her love is strong and she leaps into the miasma of evil to join her lover in their quest. this is what good writing does it fuels the imagination.

The pace, cadence and flow of the piece was skillfully done . Such soft rhyme that you could hardly know that its there but it gave the piece its poetic power. 

The first line of each stanza  sets the tone of the whole poem-You went willingly into the dark- 
                                                                                  -You went into the dark- (how could you leave me now all alone and afraid_
                                                                                  -I plunged into the dark- (love overcomes her fear and with a leap of faith she joins the spirit quest

There's so much more to digest in this poem -to say that I love it is an understatement.... 

my warmest
bob


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## escorial (Dec 30, 2014)

i was singing it as i read it....fab


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## jenthepen (Dec 30, 2014)

This poem seems to work on many levels and leave the interpretation open for the reader.

For me, it brought to mind those anxious night-time dreams of losing someone we love very much. The distress of the departing lover in the last stanza only adds to the terror. The cold horror of the nightmare runs through this whole poem and I felt a real sense of relief when the darkness is finally overcome at the end.

You certainly created a strong atmosphere with this one, Julia.  :hororr:


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## Firemajic (Dec 30, 2014)

Gargh--I agree that I need to work on the flow of this. I am pleased that you think my poetry is growing stronger, that is what I will always desire, so thank you so much for your comments.

rcallaci--Sweeeeett! I love seeing my work through your eyes. This is a poem about suicide...He commits suicide. she sees it and then she commits suicide... But I love your spin better! Thank you for your comments--a very special pleasure...

escorial--So pleased you found the internal heart beat of this poem--Thank you for reading.

jen--oh you are close--so close to where I was going--this could work as you said--a dream[love it, even more powerful], Thank you for reading and commenting.  Peace always...Julia


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## TKent (Dec 30, 2014)

Firemajic, this is hauntingly dark and beautiful. It made me think of someone following her lover into addiction or something equally dark.

I loved the rhythm of this! I want you to be proud of me that I'm learning to REALLY enjoy free verse! 

Great job!

*Departing*

*You went willingly into the dark
I screamed your name
begging you to come back to me
and I was shattered
you shimmered in the purple gloom
iridescent vague
your image receding
in stunning slow motion
and I was afraid

You went into the dark
and I wept your name
so far away you were
so far away
you waved your hand and 
you were gone so far away
I was afraid

I plunged into the dark
chasing my need for you
and I heard you scream no no
go back
but I ran to you
and I shimmered iridescent
no longer afraid I went
into the dark

*_
ETA - removed bold!!_​


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## Firemajic (Dec 30, 2014)

TKent--haaaha, I know the struggle with "free verse"--I suffer from it myself..I am proud of you,and I thank you for reading and commenting.  Peace always...Julia


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## TKent (Dec 30, 2014)

Firemajic - okay, so just read your comments. My first thought was suicide, and then I thought that I might have been interpreting it too literally, so I thought of the something that is almost like watching a lover commit suicide, and so thought it would be very similar to watching someone you love self-destruct with drugs and following them into that lifestyle. This was really powerful!

This line was just soooo good. I felt it.

*I plunged into the dark
chasing my need for you*



> rcallaci--Sweeeeett! I love seeing my work through your eyes. This is a poem about suicide...He commits suicide. she sees it and then she commits suicide... But I love your spin better! Thank you for your comments--a very special pleasure...


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## Firemajic (Dec 30, 2014)

TKent-- I knew where I was going--but was not sure the reader would find me there...I appreciate your comments, always a pleasure!  Thank you for reading my poetry.  Peace always...Julia


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## SolaInk (Dec 30, 2014)

I found the natural rhythym of this piece quite compelling. I did find the rhythym of the first verse less confident and less natural-sounding than the final two verses, but still <3 it! The writing brought to mind a stormy sea under a brassy sky on a ship about to sink, two friends?/lovers?/family members? adrift, one taking the plunge, and the other still 'on the rocks' so to speak. Despite it's brevity, I felt an immediate emotional connection between the two unnamed characters. I felt the need for these two to be together. I felt the anxiety of the narrator. The ending was a satisfying release of this anxiety. Very good job.


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## joshybo (Dec 30, 2014)

A free-verse offering from Firemajic?  You _know_ I'm going to read this!  

Solid rhythm, beautiful imagery.  I'm deeply intrigued by this and can read it a few different ways (a mark of good poetry, in my book).  I'm happy to see you dipping your toes in the free-verse waters and you've done an excellent job here.

If I had any critique, it'd just be to take a look at your line breaks (which I believe someone has already mentioned) and to consider the use of enjambment here.  I kind of found myself missing the punctuation to guide the rhythm, but you know me, I like punctuation in my poetry.  I can definitely see the artistic motive for foregoing it, however, so it's just a suggestion.

I wouldn't make any big changes which might adversely affect the almost mystical quality this piece has.  It's engrossing and familiarly vague.  Thank you for sharing.

To clarify, my "LOL" on this one was unintentional.  I got hasty with my clicking, haha.


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2014)

SolaInk--I love what that you saw lovers sailing on a stormy sea. I am glad the emotional pull of the Two people came across. Thank you for your thoughtful comments and thank you for reading my poem..Peace always...Julia

joshybo--I am trying [lol] . Not so easy to give myself permission to give up control. I am so happy that you enjoyed this. Thank you for your insightful comments and thank you for reading my poem.  Peace always...Julia


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## Victor Anderson (Dec 31, 2014)

Good god, where have I been? I honestly regret not paying much attention to your content, and I am so sorry for that! This was, to keep my outburst calm, inspiring. Thank you.


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## Pidgeon84 (Dec 31, 2014)

Very thick atmosphere here. Like it a lot.


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## Nellie (Dec 31, 2014)

joshybo said:


> to consider the use of enjambment here.  I kind of found myself missing the punctuation to guide the rhythm,



Didn't she use enjambment in this wonderfully dark poem? Enjambment doesn't use punctuation and is often used to express several ideas at once. 

I love this.


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2014)

Victor Anderson--No problem, thank you for your comments.
Pidgeon--You got that right! Thanks for reading my poem.
Nellie--I am so glad you enjoyed this poem. Thanks my friend for your comment. Peace always...Julia


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## lala_elianna (Dec 31, 2014)

*you shimmered in the purple gloom
iridescent vague
*
Loved reading this, especially the lines above. Makes me want to paint and capture the drama of this couple via some trusty acrylics.


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## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2015)

lala_elianna--I am glad you enjoyed the imagery. Thank you for your comments,and thank you for reading my poem.  Peace always...Julia


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## aj47 (Jan 3, 2015)

Much of what I would say has been said.  There are a few tweaks I could suggest, but they are minor compared to the majesty of this piece.


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## joshybo (Jan 3, 2015)

Nellie said:


> Didn't she use enjambment in this wonderfully dark poem? Enjambment doesn't use punctuation and is often used to express several ideas at once.
> 
> I love this.



You're correct, Nellie.  She did use enjambment.  I suppose the way I said that may have confused my point.  What I meant was she may want to consider why she is using it as sometimes punctuation helps the flow of poetry.  I'm certain that she has her reasons as she is an excellent poet, it was just a thought I had while reading.  And I agree with you about loving this poem.  It's excellent!


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2015)

astroannie--feel free to nit pick away--I never want to stop learning and improving...

joshybo---sometimes I think a poem reads better without punctuation. In this case, I wanted a breathless--anxious feeling. I appreciate your comments. :smile: Peace always...Julia


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## aj47 (Jan 3, 2015)

lol, one of my nits would be punctuation.  Not necessarily throughout, but in some places where there isn't a line break.

And, no, I'm not suggesting one word/line.  lol

I'm about to do weekly grocery shopping but I'll be back to demonstrate what I mean.  I'll be gentle because, honestly, this is really great in concept.


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2015)

astroannie--Thank you!


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## aj47 (Jan 3, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> *You went willingly into the dark
> I screamed your name
> begging you to come back to me
> and I was shattered
> ...



Several ellipses and a new line break.  I think those would be what it takes.


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## Firemajic (Jan 4, 2015)

astroannie--I made the changes you so kindly suggested--and that made all the difference! I love it. Thank you so much, I appreciate your keen eye. Thank you for polishing my poem. Peace always...Julia


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