# The first line.



## Alcatraz (May 21, 2010)

OK, here's a (relative) newbie question.

The first line; the opening sentence; the hook, call it what you will, why can it sometimes be so difficult to make it sound...'right'?

To give you an example, my novel starts at the funeral of my protagonists friend who has recently been murdered.

The image is of my protagonist standing at the gates of the cemetry, which stands atop a hill, and watching the cars which made up the funeral procession leaving, and then leading into the narrative. Now I have my opening line, but gods, I feel as though I'm struggling to make an interesting link from the opening lines into the story proper.

Incidently, I write in the first person as the character, so everything is seen through his eyes.

As an example...

_I stood at the top of the hill and watched the cars snake their way slowly down the winding road  away from the cemetry. If I hurried back to my own car, I could probably make it back to my hotel within half an hour, and finish the half bottle of cognac hidden in my kitbag._

From there, I'm a wee bit lost. Too many ideas running through my noggin' .

Ideas to help please. Merci.


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## Pawn (May 21, 2010)

For me, the meter and tone of the second sentence jar with the first. The prosaic, unemotional way in which you initially introduce this figure suggests a lack of feeling; the word "cemetery" concludes the phrase with resounding despondency. This is echoed in the reference to brandy in the second line – suggestive of wanting to blot something out. The use of the word "hurried" seems at odds though with the contemplative impression of the first line. It's a workmanlike, everyday verb from which I initially inferred some unknown reason why he must be "back to... [his] hotel room within half an hour..." More likely you're simply trying to suggest the character would sooner be sloshed. The pacing of the second line, thick with commas, also contrasts with the fluid, tapering nature of the first. Finally, it's strangely possessive: "_my_ car... _my_ hotel... _my_ kitbag..." Good luck with it.

Here's one from Huxley...



> "Attention," a voice began to call, and it was as though an oboe had suddenly become articulate.


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## Alcatraz (May 21, 2010)

_I stood at the top of the hill and watched the cars snake their way slowly down the winding road away from the cemetry. The idea of hurrying back to my hotel room and demolishing the remnants of a bottle of cognag, discreetly tucked away at the bottom of my kitbag, was more appealing with each passing second._

Better?

PS. This relates to the story concept I outlined in post http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?112549-Worries-about-writing-a-cliche .


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## Linton Robinson (May 21, 2010)

No.
Good rule of thumb, don't complicate when you can simplify.

I stood watching the cars winding down out of the cemetery.  All over.  Meanwhile, there was that half bottle of brandy in my bag at the hotel.


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## Eluixa (May 21, 2010)

I figure I'll go back and wrestle with the first paragraph when the entire novel is written and edited best I can do it.


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## Eluixa (May 21, 2010)

Although, to tell the truth, often when I pick up a book at Barnes and nobles or such, I open indiscriminatly to some page in the middle and see if I like the writing style. Sometimes I do read the first page, but its a toss up.


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## JosephB (May 21, 2010)

Too bad you're not writing a comic book:

Cemetery? So many cars! Hotel...now. Must...have...brandy.


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## alanmt (May 21, 2010)

Alcatraz said:


> I stood at the top of the hill and watched the cars snake their way slowly down the winding road away from the cemetery. If I hurried, I could probably make it back to the hotel within half an hour and finish the half bottle of cognac stashed in my kitbag.



_1.  It's certainly tempting.  If all I felt were grief, I wouldn't hesitate. __But this funeral is different.  My friend Eric was murdered.  And I can't get rid of this troubled feeling, this tingling at the back of my neck, that tells me I need to find out why._

_2.  Of course, I really wish I would have had the Hennessey's at the ceremony, so that I could crack it over the head of that rotten bitch giving me the evil eye over Joanna's coffin.  Who the hell does she think she is?_

_3.  I brought the cognac to Helena as a peace offering.  I hadn't seen Drew for two years.  Now I would have to drink the cognac myself in memory of the friend I would never get a chance to apologise to._


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## HarryG (May 22, 2010)

I don’t see anything wrong with the OP’s opening.  He’s kept it simple, but introduced conflict at the same time.  Why should someone watch a funeral from a distance and feel the need for a strong drink afterwards?

  Perfect.


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## MrSteve (May 23, 2010)

I would suggest that, if the opening line is something you feel is holding you up then forget about it. Skip it for the time being and continue with the rest of the piece. Like Eluixa says, you can always go back to it at the end. I have a question though. What is the actual start of the story? From here, the top of the hill, where does your character need to be?

I ask because it appears, from your OP, that you're having some problems with the transition between the two. I assume when you say "I feel as though I'm struggling to make an interesting link from the  opening lines into the story proper" you actually have an idea of what your main narrative is going to be and, obviously, have this opening line. Would it be appropriate for your story if you were to have a page of introduction all about the funeral and what your character does after it and then cut from there to a different location, allowing time to move on between the two?


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## HarryG (May 24, 2010)

I think it’s true that the opening lines hook the reader, and as such are most important, but it’s also true that you can overdo the hook if you’re not able to carry on the suspense for the next few pages of the first chapter.

  You can’t start with a profound statement and then immediately revert to a bumbling-along mode more indicative of your true writing ability.  Unless your name is Meyer.  I couldn’t resist that.

  It’s possible to disguise your writing, perhaps by stealing from others, but you won’t be able to keep it up for long; and your writing will become stilted because it’s not your natural style.

  Whether your natural style is good enough is very hard to ascertain, it’s all very well saying the literary agents and publishers will tell you, but they often get it wrong, and what about critique from other writers?

  Even this short thread could provide some answers, all the replies are different because we are all different.  Every literary critique should come with a health warning, just like my cigarette packet which informs me in large letters that smoking kills.


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## Northern Phil (May 30, 2010)

Alcatraz said:


> _I stood at the top of the hill and watched the cars snake their way slowly down the winding road away from the cemetry. The idea of hurrying back to my hotel room and demolishing the remnants of a bottle of cognag, discreetly tucked away at the bottom of my kitbag, was more appealing with each passing second._
> 
> Better?
> 
> PS. This relates to the story concept I outlined in post http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?112549-Worries-about-writing-a-cliche .


 
Personally I wouldn't worry to much about the opening paragraph. It'll more then likely be changed quite a bit as you write more of the story. 

In many stories you don't need a hook, you just need to write a good opening chapter.

What I would do at this point is focus answering the following questions - why is this person at a funeral - why are they at the top of the hill (alone I presume) - why are they at a hotel room - why do they want to demolish a bottle of cognag - why is it discreetly placed in their kitbag - and why do they want to rush back to their hotel room to drink it rather then go to the wake.

Once you answer those then you should have a good opening chapter.


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## Linton Robinson (May 30, 2010)

I've only ever heard about five writing tips worth the trouble to repeat, but one of them is this:   switch first and second.
Whether applied to lines, paragraphs or even chapters, it can be a really powerful tool.  
So many stories lead in, and seeing how they could just jump to the heart of things, then fill in later is instructive.
Naturally, this isn't concrete advice.  And of course it usually requires a little nipping and tucking to work.  But it's amazing how often it works just like that...swap the first two and see what you have.

In this case,  
_ If I hurried backto my own car, I could probably make it back to my hotel within half anhour, and finish the half bottle of cognac hidden in my kitbag.  But first I had to stand __at the top of the hill and watch the cars snake their wayslowly down the winding road away from the cemetery._


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## Sam (May 30, 2010)

First chapter should grip you. So should the second. And the third. In fact, I'm a strong advocate of there being no licence to bore your reader -- not on page 1 or page 501. 

The first sentence is the most important one in the novel. It's the one all writers, regardless of whether they're amateur or professional, should strive to get as close to perfect as possible. If line one bores a reader, chances are your novel sits on the shelf. 

I guess it's a little different for me. I write thrillers and they lend themselves to fast-paced, action-packed, plot-driven stories. They also lend themselves to cliffhangers. Another masterful tool when used correctly. 

Don't overcomplicate the first line. I got a lot of feedback on my latest novel about the first line being too cluttered. You don't want the reader having to read two lines of prose only to forget the beginning of the sentence. Exercise brevity. Short, declarative sentences that impact the reader. Give them a reason to read on. Take a look at one of John Grisham's openers: 

_The decision to bomb the offices of the radical Jew lawyer was reached with relative ease. _

In one sentence he's told you a plethora of information and has left you wanting to read on.


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## Alcatraz (Jun 1, 2010)

Thank you to all who have replied. Your advice has been fantastic.

I've decided to push the funeral back a chapter, and deal with the lead up, ie the immediate aftermath of the murder of my protagonists best friend.

So, I've came up with the following as an opening line/paragrapgh.

_Upturned tables and chairs. Spilled coffee and tea mixing with blood on the blue tiled floor. The screams of innocents hit by the random spray of an automatic assault rifle. A buzzing sound in my ear, and the feeling of my own blood running down my arm, over my fingers, onto the SIG sidearm which I gripped for dear life. Then, slowly, I slid down the side of the café wall._

_This is how I remember the day my best friend was murdered. _


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## garza (Jun 1, 2010)

Lin - What about simplifying further? 
_If I hurried to my car, I probably could make it to my  hotel within half an hour and finish the half bottle of cognac in  my kitbag.  But first I had to wait __at the top of the hill and  watch the cars snake down the winding road away from the  cemetery._


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## thewordsmith (Jun 1, 2010)

Go back to lin's first comment. Don't complicate when you can simplify. 
_



If I hurried to my car, I probably could make it to my hotel within half an hour and finish the half bottle of cognac in my kitbag. But first I had to wait at the top of the hill and watch the cars snake down the winding road away from the cemetery.

Click to expand...

_ 
That only makes it worse! Think about what the focus of the opening really is. Is it the aftermath of a funeral - ergo, the death of someone the mc knew and/or cared about? Then don't muddy the issue with the cognac and the hotel room. 

Think about the cars leaving a cemetary. They are not generally of the "slowly snaking their way down the winding road from the cemetary" kind of concept. Check it out. You are standing at the top of the hill watching the cars leave the cemetary.

Stop right there! That's all you need. It gives the reader a question. Cemetary? What cemetary? Why cemetary? What's going on? Who died? (Okay, well, that's more than one question.) This is something I learned the hard way but, you don't need some big-asterisk hook or anything to open. Sometimes ... Sometimes, fewer words is better. Any more than that and the reader gets bogged down in minutiae and boredom. Remember, you've got a whole book to fill in the rest of the blanks.


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## Alcatraz (Jun 1, 2010)

Thank you to both Garza and Thewordsmith for your help, and believe me, I need all the help I can get. A decent imagination, and a head full of 'useless' info regarding the British Police and Intelligence communities only goes so far if the writing doesn't 'grab'.

As I said in my last post, I've decided to move the funeral back a chapter, and as this is a crime/thriller novel, I thought it might be better to deal with the aftermath of the shooting which killed my protagonists best friend as an opeing instead.

_Upturned tables and chairs. Spilled coffee and tea mixing with blood on the blue tiled floor. The screams of innocents hit by the random spray of an automatic assault rifle. A buzzing sound in my ear, and the feeling of my own blood running down my arm, over my fingers, onto the SIG sidearm which I gripped for dear life. Then, slowly, I slid down the side of the café wall._

_This is how I remember the day my best friend was murdered. _

Does this 'grab' more than the put back opening I originally posted?


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## thewordsmith (Jun 1, 2010)

_



Upturned tables and chairs. Spilled coffee and tea mixing with blood on the blue tiled floor.

Click to expand...

_

*"Spilled coffee and tea mixed with blood on the blue tile floor."*

Now _that_ has a lot of snap. I'd consider a little pruning. Put the image of the upturned tables and chairs after the spilled coffee, however. This second sentence is your opener. It is full of grit and gristle and strong imagery.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

Again, I'd suggest the switcheroo.  Despite all the action, the real impact is "the day my friend got murdered"

I'd call this the "Ross Thomas lead".



> The day they murdered my best friend was memorable in several ways.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

> Then don't muddy the issue with the cognac and the hotel room.



Nonsense.  You have no idea.  Perhaps it was the funeral of a hated boss or the speaker's victim, etc.  The drinking might BE the main issue for all you know.  You're dragging in supposition from outside the paragraph.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

Personally, I'd start something like this off with something like,  "Well, so much for Morrie.  I watched the cars winding out of the cemetery and couldn't think of a single thing he'd ever done for me.  Except that bottle of cognac.  Which was in my bag at the hotel, and suddenly all I could think about."


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## Northern Phil (Jun 1, 2010)

As I said before don't focus to heavily on the first sentence at this point, write it and then if it needs more snazz then you can add that in when you edit the first version.

You could have a brilliant first sentence, but if the rest of it doesn't maintain that standard then it won't mean all that much.  

If you've written anymore then I would be interested in reading it to see what it's like.


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## thewordsmith (Jun 1, 2010)

> "*Nonsense. You have no idea. Perhaps it was the funeral of a hated boss or the speaker's victim, etc. The drinking might BE the main issue for all you know. You're dragging in supposition from outside the paragraph*. "


 
Lin,
Don't go looking for arguments where they don't exist. If you read - and understood - my post, you would have understood what I was saying and would not suggest that I: 1) have no idea; or 2) am dragging in supposition from outside the paragraph.
I made no suppositions of any sort regarding the paragaraph and, in fact, focused on asking questions of the OP and encouraging the OP to ask questions of himself about his writing as far as what the focus of it was. 

"*Think about what the focus of the opening really is. Is it the aftermath of a funeral - ergo, the death of someone the mc knew and/or cared about? Then don't muddy the issue with the cognac and the hotel room*." 

If the scene was, indeed, about the death of the character - and not about the mc's feelings about that death, what the mc does afterwards is totally and completely irrelevant *at this point*. And that, my dear friend, is not supposition. Since the scene in the orginal opening paragraph led with the funeral of the friend, the implication, and, therefore, the reader's impression, would most likely be that _this scene_ was, in fact, about the person who had been buried and NOT about heading back to the hotel room to tip a bottle in celebration of his or her demise. That, as I did point out, is something that could, and should, be saved for later. Of course, were it about the drinking, then he should have led with that and brought up the subject of the funeral in context at some later point.

In other words ... Don't go looking for arguments where none exists.


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## thewordsmith (Jun 1, 2010)

Northern Phil said:


> You could have a brilliant first sentence, but if the rest of it doesn't maintain that standard then it won't mean all that much.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

> If you read - and understood - my post, you would have understood what I was saying



Please don't get cute. Obviously I read and understood your post.  I just didn't take it seriously.



> Don't go looking for arguments where none exists.


Like you are?


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## thewordsmith (Jun 1, 2010)

Not trying to be 'cute'. If you understood the post then you would not have accused me of pulling in suppositions from outside the paragraph, therefore, you obviously did not understand what I was saying. And, if you wish to argue over this, perhaps you should take it off this forum. This is not the place for this discussion.


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## Linton Robinson (Jun 1, 2010)

No, I understood the post just fine.  I generally do, if there is something that can be understood.  And by cute, I meant implying that if somebody disagrees with you, they just must not understand.

I read it, I understood it.  I just didn't take it seriously.
If you don't want to argue, it's really easy.  Stop arguing.


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