# I had the urge to write today. Just a little something. HOnesty please!



## CandyRot (Aug 4, 2010)

I often wonder what it would be like to have a dream. A goal. Something to hold on to. Something to think about incessantly. A career. Something other than making sandwiches all day.

I live in an attic efficiency apartment. It gets damp and humid during rainy days, and too hot and humid during sunny ones. My room is bare besides the necessities. A bed, dresser, lamp, and a pile of dirty laundry. I can still remember my mother yelling at me to clean my room. I’d always say “it’s just clothes, mom”. I miss those days. Where you didn’t have responsibilities and your only worry was whose house you’re going to hang out at. I still talk to my mom. Through text mostly, although I’ll call her when I miss the sound of her voice. 

I read romance novels to keep life bearable. Pirates, aristocrats, and Vikings fill my imagination everyday. The library has become a second home. I’ve come to the point where I know every employees name and their favorite genre. For instance, if I feel like romance, which is almost every time, I’ll go to Chrissy. If I feel like historical fiction I’ll go to Evan. They’re all very sweet and share a common passion for books. I almost dare to say they are my friends.

I moved up to northern Michigan to start fresh. I had lived in the metro area of Detroit and needed a change. Freedom from fast paced life and fast paced boys.


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## garza (Aug 4, 2010)

You have the gift.

You have that rare gift that few have - the ability to talk of everyday life in the real world in language that invites me into your personal space as a friend. If you push some dirty laundry off a chair, invite me to sit and chat for a while and offer a cup of coffee, I'll feel comfortable, right at home. 

Please do not try to 'improve' your writing. You have the ability to tell a story in the right way. There will be some natural polishing as you write more, but you should not make any significant change in your style. 

There are two minor points. At the end you say, 'I moved up to northern Michigan to start fresh. I lived in the metro area of Detroit and needed a change. Freedom from fast paced life and fast paced boys,' and for a second I was confused. If you insert 'had' at the beginning of the second sentence so - 'I had lived...' - then all confusion is gone. Also 'everyday' and 'every day' have different meanings.


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## CandyRot (Aug 4, 2010)

Ahh thank you, that does make more sense. And thank you also for your positive comments. It allows me to have more confidence in what I do..and with confidence we achieve great things. 

I am forever indebted to you,

Sam


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## Ilasir Maroa (Aug 4, 2010)

I wish I lived in Michigan...  Alas, I only get to go once or twice a year to visit the relatives. 

I felt like there was a lot going on in too few words.  Everything was connected, but perhaps the transitions were not the best they could be.

As a small cosmetic change, what about placing "A career." next to "A goal."  It interrupts the flow of the paragraph in the current position, at least for me.  And the repetition of structure: "...a dream. A goal.  A career."--article noun, article noun, article noun, could create a nice rhythm in that section.  It also places all the "Something..."s together, which reads nicely.


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## CandyRot (Aug 4, 2010)

Sounds good..I'll try that. Thank you!


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## garza (Aug 4, 2010)

Ilasir Maroa - With all due respect, as Ox would say, I do not agree with your suggestions for changing the opening. That's exactly what drew me in. It's natural. It's the way a person talks, And yes, I know that's no excuse for using it in fiction, but the way it is presently constructed makes me believe I'm listening to a real person talking. 

Very few people can sit down and write a simple statement like that. As soon as they start, most people want to 'write like a writer' and their natural ability to tell a story or describe how they feel gets buried under the lumber of forced composition. The worst offenders, of course, are the wannabe writers who deliberately discard any natural ability they have. 

CandyRot (Where in the name of all that's sacred...) has a natural ability. There's a bit of roughness around the edges that will smooth away with time, but any deliberate attempt at a fix will only make it worse. Best thing is to accept it as it is, a delightful short piece that lets us see inside someone's private world.


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## CandyRot (Aug 4, 2010)

Thank you garza.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Aug 4, 2010)

And it's also exactly what would make me drop a book I just picked up off the shelf.  Being able to create a voice that gives the feel of "a real person" is one of the most valuable tools in fiction, but it must be paired with an ability to make that voice interesting.  I have had any number of deep conversations more or less "formatted" than this one, but they are nothing I would put down in a story word for word.

It is not my desire to clog up a critique thread with an issue that is far too large for one little snippet.  Feel free to bring it up in *Writing Discussions*, and I'll discuss it with you for as long as you like.


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## The Backward OX (Aug 4, 2010)

Don't change the opening. As garza says, it's natural, it's the way people speak. And that other suggestion puts three sentences in a row starting with 'Something', which, apart from looking unprofessional, could make the speaker sound as if they're trying too hard to be convincing.

'everyday' means 'commonplace'. You need every day.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Aug 4, 2010)

Even first person present memoirs aren't written the way people speak.  Even dialogue is not written the way people speak.  Even oral storytellers don't speak the way people speak.


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## Foxee (Aug 4, 2010)

Really, folks, it's up to us to suggest but only the writer can make the call on whether they take the advice. No need for a skirmish.


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## The Backward OX (Aug 4, 2010)

> [ot]
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## CandyRot (Aug 5, 2010)

Ahh, chaos every where I go. It follows me I think.


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## Sam (Aug 5, 2010)

garza said:


> Ilasir Maroa - With all due respect, as Ox would say, I do not agree with your suggestions for changing the opening. That's exactly what drew me in. It's natural. It's the way a person talks, And yes, I know that's no excuse for using it in fiction, but the way it is presently constructed makes me believe I'm listening to a real person talking.
> 
> Very few people can sit down and write a simple statement like that. As soon as they start, most people want to 'write like a writer' and their natural ability to tell a story or describe how they feel gets buried under the lumber of forced composition. The worst offenders, of course, are the wannabe writers who deliberately discard any natural ability they have.
> 
> CandyRot (Where in the name of all that's sacred...) has a natural ability. There's a bit of roughness around the edges that will smooth away with time, but any deliberate attempt at a fix will only make it worse. Best thing is to accept it as it is, a delightful short piece that lets us see inside someone's private world.



[ot]With all due respect to you, Garza, but you like to talk authoritatively about fiction when you've never written anything in that style. It comes across pretentious, if I'm being quite honest. A writer spends years honing his/her voice until s/he can hold the attention of their audience with it. If someone were to step behind a lectern to start speaking, without any lessons in elocution, it would be like listening to a train wreck. However, put a person who has the silver tongue behind that lectern and s/he can hold your attention from start to finish. 

All Ilasir is saying is that, in fiction, a writer can't write like an everyday person from the street would talk. That's all right for true stories and biographies/autobiographies, but when it comes to fiction, what separates the great from the mediocre is the ability to grab a reader's attention and not let go. Dan Brown may not be a great role model in your eyes, but his stories are riveting. The kind you cannot put down. 

Please don't downplay the importance of creating a voice.[/ot]


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## The Backward OX (Aug 5, 2010)

> [ot]
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## garza (Aug 5, 2010)

Writing Discussion sounds like the best place for this. I'll start a thread called 'Finding a Voice'.


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## CandyRot (Aug 5, 2010)

It endears some and not others. But, isn't that the case with all books?


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## vangoghsear (Aug 5, 2010)

Welcome CandyRot.

I like the honesty of the work and the fact that it makes clear concise sense and raises some interesting thoughts.  

Contrary to what some are saying, you can make some improvements without ruining your writing.  First of all, each paragraph begins with the word "I."  It does not read as intentional.  That means it reads as a mistake.  Just reforming a sentence can fix that without really hurting your writing voice.  For instance:



> I read romance novels to keep life bearable.



Could be rewritten as:

To keep life bearable, I read romance novels. 



> although I’ll call her when I miss the sound of her voice.



Loved that line.


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## caimomile (Aug 7, 2010)

Have you ever watched Makoto Shinkai's She and Her Cat?  It's a short anime (less than 5 minutes run time) that expresses something very meaningful through mundane events and witty narration.  I'd suggest you look that up in youtube as your piece is quite similar in nature.  Even if you're not into anime/cartoons/whatever, make an exception and take the time to watch that one as it's a great example of the genre that you're tackling.  I myself have learned a lot from it, both in terms of philosophy and writing (as I'm also exploring the same genre).


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