# Scores: December Literary Maneuvers, "Write an Epistolary Story" (1 Viewer)



## bdcharles (Dec 29, 2019)

Dear Literary Maneuvers,

I am sorry to say that this, my last thread as host of this Writing Contest, is your lot. It has been an honour and thanks entirely to yourselves, it's gone far better than I dared dream. Constantly good turnout, judges biting and fighting (well, almost, ish, and some bribes were involved but they were so, so small) to get on the panel, and always quality writing. I've thoroughly enjoyed two years of it and now I look forward to seeing it fly in new hands.

But you have no time for weeping, no! Dial in those tears - yes, dial them in! In any case it's not about me but rather a time for celebration, in which we have what must be our closest one yet. With not even three points spanning the pack, it's a photo finish. Let's take a look at why:

[spoiler2=velo]
*Luckyscars, Dear Santar Clars
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 2.5
Reac: 4
Overall: 16.5*


SpAG- no real way to judge this one, sneaky boy. :wink:


T&V: Well done. I think there is a certain genius in the horrid spelling. Clearly this is an older child that lives in an abusive home and the bad spelling may be a symptom of the stress and pain the child endure every day which often causes such developmental delays along with things like bed-wetting.


Eval- overall this was a good story but I saw the end coming a long way off. There wasn't much surprising here and it felt like a different version of similar stories I've read in the LM before, right down to the hearing of the abuser coming in the room as the ending.


Reac: Nicely done. I struggled with the cliche-ness of the overall story and situation but the epistolary format worked well in juxtaposing what is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a child's life (Christmas) with the horror of Max's shitty parents. The tone/voice was done well and you did a great job of not interjecting to much adult awareness into the story. The letters read authentically.








*Shockhawk, Invisible Plea
SPaG: 4
T&V: 4
Eval: 3
Reac: 4
Overall: 15*


SpAG: "immune boosting" needs a hyphen. "...reaching out to you because you are a renown Geneticist." No caps on 'geneticist', it's not a proper noun, same with 'authorities'- "If the Authorities let you read" No other issues noted.


T&V: Overall appropriate and on point. More in eval...


Eval- I appreciate the old-school formality and propriety of the address headers to the (presumably) hand-written letters but they wasted a lot of story space. I felt like this needed a little more substance, though it was well done and mostly complete as it is. This did limit the amount of voice I could hear to differentiate the characters. The last letter somehow didn't satisfy me. It was too easy of an ending and I wanted to know more about the interaction between Garrison and Emerson.
Reac: I did enjoy this and smirked when Emerson was kidnapped but the overall story felt a touch thin. But, it was engaging and I wanted to know more that that was a definite positive.








*A. Non., The Schrödinger Incident - Captain's Logs
SPaG: 4
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18*


SpAG: "Today my second in command, Irons recalled a brief" 'Irons' needs a comma after it. "Jenkins said;" comma not a semicolon. A colon is sometimes used when the intro is an independent clause but this isn't that. "Today Irons, Sounders and Langley reported" needs an Oxford.


T&V: consistent and appropriate for the story.


Eval: Nicely done. There is no real detail given as to why or even what is actually happening and it's not necessary. This is very Twilight Zone and it works well. The only nit I can pick is that the change from the entry on the 24th to the one on the 25th feels like there isn't any transition. I would expect a little more panic or something from the Capt in the early stages of realising he/she is transforming.


Reac: I enjoyed this, though the nit I mentioned in eval did have a bit of impact on my overall reaction. Other than this was a great entry.






*A. Nonny Nonny, -*ghel--
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 2.5
Reac: 2.5
Overall: 15*


No spag issues, tone and voice consistent.


Eval+Reac: This was, without question, beautiful. The imagery was gorgeous, but it was also opaque as to what the intent and/or purpose was. To give this higher marks I needed to know more about what was being described- was this a fever dream? Is this surrealism? Did the herder find a patch of magic mushrooms and have a lovely afternoon? There isn't enough context here. The lovely phrasing saved it a bit, but when I read through three times and still have no idea what happened it's not a complete story, in my view. Lovely visions, little substance.






*Tim, Discombobulation
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 2
Reac: 1
Overall: 13*


No spag issues


Eval: this doesn't work well. There's a lot of cognitive disconnect in the story impacting suspension of disbelief. Why would anyone write that email and confess? If because of some sort of derangement or other mental need it isn't made clear. He clearly described hiding evidence so it doesn't make sense. Also there is no mention to the damage to the car...which would be noticeable hitting any size person hard enough to kill them and roll on top of them...especially with enough force to lift the front wheels off the ground and the physics of that are a little dubious as well.


"She was a big girl" felt gratuitous because you mention her size several times in multiple ways. I feel that Mat clearly has issues but it wasn't explored enough. This just needs more.


Reac: Incomplete with a disjointed set of circumstances that never coalesces into a functional piece.




*epimetheus, Collapsing Reference Frame
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 4
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 17.5*


No spag issues, T&V was good in both sections


Eval: When I first started reading I was annoyed at the Courier font, it's hard to read. But then I saw the change of typeface in the other section and realised it did add something to the individual voices. This is a retelling of the classic trope - 2 people in the same situation that perceive it entirely differently and have vastly different reactions - and I think it mostly works. However, the unnamed male's reaction is severe and I had to re-read to see the subtle hints dropped here and there about his mental state. Still, it was a bit of a surprise and perhaps could have been foreshadowed a little more.


Reac: "Let's just casually drop relativistic tensor fields into a story." -epimetheus
Nicely done. A modern tragedy told effectively. Leading up to the male character's final decision was a tough sell in this space and you mostly pulled it off, but maybe not 100%. I actually don't have a suggestion as to how it could have been done better so that's not very helpful.








*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord, December in the Singing Ringing Land
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 2.5
Reac: 2.5
Overall: 15*


I sometimes want to take points off for having to type out your long username but I haven't...yet. :razz:


No spag issues, T&V consistent and appropriate.


Eval+Reac: This was technically well done through most of it but at multiple points I felt you were foreshadowing multiple somethings but there was no payoff or revelation. I liked the unidirectional correspondence in this but in the end I felt no closure, no conclusion. There was a lot in here, a lot of really good ideas and thoughts, but they never coalesced into an ending or any sort of final message.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="-xXx-"]
lucky
Deer Santar Clars

*best of month: detail integration, sequence as development
spag as n/a.
this reader waited for "the non-typical".
perhaps "mum says we will go see you."
suggests "At His Pleasure" for title consideration.
timely subject, imho.

"She toled me I have to do bettar for daddy or I wont be good enut for presants.<snip> I promiss I am good."

"Daddy was not mad that time but becass I was small like Jess."

spag 5/5 n/a
t&v 4/5
eval 4/5
react 4/5
total 17/20

---
shock
Invisible Plea

best of month: any-resemblance-to-actual disclaimer
excellent title w/ warning point
renowned

"I do not fucking feel invisible… I AM INVISIBLE.<snip>
I do not need psychiatric help, I need _your_ help."

"I don’t remember exactly how it happened but before I knew it I was holding a knife and covered in blood. Please forgive me for what I have done."

consider Nick for blithen/emerson communique signature.
contain vs capture?
k.
did some basic checking on narrative detail.
feeling strongly that this story stands on its own merit,
and is significantly relevant,
name(s)/location(s) resulted in down scoring.
consider "fictional" clarifiers.

ps did eric get any interesting invitations to interview &/or intern?
jussayin'
:wink:


spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 4/5
react 5/5
total 18/20

---
suec
Cancelled

best of month: one word story AS title
relevant
elegant
BUT
*looks around*
*scores anyway*

spag 5/5
t&v 3/5
eval 3/5
react 5/5
total 16/20

---
anon
The Schrödinger Incident – Captain’s Logs


"Sometimes they don’t talk at all, but produce these 'sounds'. Like insects, rubbing skin."

“He walks inside the quarry of the merged,” were the last words spoken to me by Jenkins today before he gauged out his eyes with a thermal screwdriver. I will never forget this moment."

i will never forget this moment.

k.
log format which terminates metamorphically thru consonance.
slacker. :wink:
how 'bout diminishing Kaptain's lock,
Kapn's
<use salvaged word count here to setup consonance>
final C-as-K used for simulation:
K shhh k shhhhhhh k shhhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
best of month: sound of sheetssssssslesssssnessssss

spag 4/5
t&v 4/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
total 18/20

---
anon
---

Tim
Discombobulation

"
I strolled back to my car, without a worry in the world. A world that was now a better place.

I hope things are clearer for you now."

yes.
yes, they are.
best of month: brenda says hi, protection order to follow
...she and her car....
bob hooligan?
wanted to give humor point.
just couldn't.

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 3/5
total 17/20

---
epimetheus
Collapsing Reference Frame

best of month: interpretation error executable
warning point
solid open part 1 & 2
solid close part 1 & 2
full range vivid writer

"Was able to explain that she needed to lose the idea of privileged reference frames. I mean really lose it, not just say OK,

The tablets arrived today. I calculated the dose."

there has to be a student publication that would embrace this.
nami on campus (usa)

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
total 19/20
---
arrow
December in the Singing Ringing Land

best of month: echo and build interlace
solid title
spectacular close
excellent balance of elements
imho, best piece this reader has seen from you.
publish?
:wink:

"A Mars rhythm, and we’re playing an Earth melody on top of it. Discordant. Kind of beautiful, in its own way.

It’s sheer, all-devouring delight—a child’s planet. Not kind, but at least good.

I feel there’s two of me—an Earth-me, a stranger, a funny little shell—and a Mars-me, stretching out newborn fingers into the cotton-candy pink air. Cold into the cold night.

It’s a child’s planet, or at least we’re children to it—but you know how children can be so consumed by their play, how something as small as a rag doll can steal their very soul? I’m afraid …"

spag 4/5
t&v 5/5
eval 5/5
react 5/5
total 19/20*
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=SueC]
*1) Deer Santar Clars (prompt - Write an Epistolary Story)
Luckyscars
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction:5/5
Overall: 18/20
Review: Hey Lucky. I read this a couple of times. I think the grammar skills for a seven year old is a little off, but I am beginning to think that home life and parental education/involvement may have affected the progress of your little guy, Max. I did do some research - it's been a while since I've checked on the standard writing skills of a child of that age J and found this on www.understood.org:

Younger Grade-Schoolers (Ages 5–7 years)



Know the sounds letters make and spell words based on how they sound 
Spell some common words that aren’t spelled the way they sound (often called sight words) 


So, based on the above, it would seem that Max should be able to write a little more comprehensive letter to Santa than you have described for his age. It may have been more effective, from a reader's point of view, if you had lessened his focus on only spelling words by the way they sound. (i.e. " I wood also like pleas may have more HOT WEELS pleas the cars.") As written, it was difficult to really determine what he was asking for, but the gist of the letter became more clear as I read.

It's difficult to determine a spelling/grammar score because there are so many unknowns as to why Max seems so illiterate. He could be learning disabled, autistic, etc., but there is nothing in the letters that made me believe that was the case. The prompt was definitely in evidence - the sad story was told.

You have always had a gift for these quiet little emotions, Lucky, finding some way of sharing something without coming right out and saying it. Poor little Max is abused, physically, sexually and emotionally. He wets his bed and his parents are brutal in their responses to this, especially Dad. Perhaps his poor grammar and spelling are the result of being hit in the head once too often. This is really a little heart-breaker and I wish I had Max with me and I would give him a big hug! Thanks for your submission. J

(2) Invisible Plea (prompt - Write an Epistolary Story)
Shockhawk
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Overall: 17/20
Review: Hi Shockhawk. This looks like your first try at the LM comp, and I'm glad to see you here. I really liked your story and found it to be very creative. You did a lot in the amount of words allowed. I didn't see any issues with spelling or grammar.

The pace of the story was good up until the end, when the letters were no longer between just two individuals; there was the addition of a colleague of Dr. Emerson's and then another final letter (or email) from Eric Garrison to Dr. Emerson's family. This made for a little confusion.

After the first couple of exchanges, I can understand how, at the conclusion of your story, you were faced with a dilemma. I think you might have included a threat in the last letter to Dr. Emerson, and then the final note to his family would have shown your readers that Eric did, in fact, follow through on his threat. (example: "I really, really need your help. Please call me at 617-555-0000. If you don't help me, I may have to do something drastic to show you I mean business.") Maybe eliminate the missive sent to Dr. Emerson's Colleague all together. Just a thought.

Otherwise, like I said, it was very creative and a good start for your first comp. Prompt was in evidence. Thanks for your submission.

(3) The Schrödinger Incident – Captain’s Log (prompt - Write an Epistolary Story)
Anonymous1
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 17 /20
Review: Well, this was kind of a creepy read. Unfortunately, the word length really was not enough to do this type of story justice, but you did a pretty good job with what you had. The prompt was in evidence.

I didn't see any real issues with spelling or grammar. It's a little difficult to gauge, especially toward the end. I think you did a good job describing where everyone was and who the players were. However, other than securing the personnel that was already at the station, there doesn't seem to have been a lot of activity among the crew that had just arrived. I know you had to focus on the captives movements, their deterioration, but I think some additional information about other things that were going on would have made for a fuller sense of the place and what was to come. Days went by - did they eat, did they mingle, did they discuss how odd everything was among themselves?

I know this is more or less a ships log, but I think you could have fleshed it out a little more. Good job, though, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for your submission.

(4) - ghel* - (prompt: Write an Epistolary Story)
Annoymous2
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Overall: 15/20
Review: I see that this is a missive, so you have met the prompt. I do not see spelling or grammar issues. Other than that, I was somewhat lost. I have read this several times, thinking if I just concentrate hard enough I will be able to see the visions that are described here, but, unfortunately and apologetically, I can't seem to get the gist of an actual story through this writing. It is a letter written by a minion to someone powerful. At times I thought it was relaying the birth of Christ, because of the use of the term "herder," and some reference to a night sky, stars, a child, etc. Also, " The lone witness of interest was located on the third day after arrival" might reference the Epiphany.

Other than that, I struggled to see what I was reading; the actual vision. I don't know what the bowl, mirror or curtains of wool or sand are all about. But having said that, the descriptions were lovely! I do think with just a tad more information, or relevance to . . . something, it might have fared better under my scrutiny anyway. Thank you for your submission.

(5) Discombobulation (prompt: Write an Epistolary Story)
Tim
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 18/20
Review: Tim, good job here, as always. Who hasn't experienced that co-worker that simply enrages us, that we want to do terrible things to, sometimes for no good reason. But good reason there is, here. And I loved the idea of the tease in the beginning. Someone writing to say, "I know what you did." And, of course, the confession to something entirely different.

I saw no real spelling or grammar issues; no incomplete sentences. The only spot I saw was the use of ellipses, which are supposed to be used in place of words. I didn't think this sentence qualified ("Yep . . . you guessed it: she’d taken my car-park, again, for no other reason but to spite me.") I think a comma would have sufficed. The prompt was clearly evident.

Good job, Tim, and a good read. Thanks for your submission.

(6) Collapsing Reference Frame (prompt: Write an Epistolary Story)
epimethus
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 18/20
Review: Hi epimetheus. This looks like a diary entry; you've met the epistolary requirement. Not too many spelling/grammar issues; looks good.

So we have an intelligent young man, who meets a girl who is also super intelligent. The info on him being her tutor comes later in the story - a role the girl apparently respected, but did not acknowledge or maybe understand that the young man was falling for her. Despite the fact that I didn't understand the subject matter they were studying, I think this is really an excellent profile of a "type" of kid - amazingly smart, but prone to depression and sadness; blaming himself for losing this girl, even though he took no steps at all on his behalf.

I really think young people with the level of intelligence that you describe here, often have this line of thought. While others may explore options on how to make things better, how to achieve a goal that's been set even in the face of rejection, this lad seems to have none of those resources.

This little story may, for some, answer the question - how could they commit suicide when they had everything going for them? Nice job here, epimetheus and thanks for your submission.




(7) December in the Singing Ringing Land (prompt: Write an Epistolary Story)
ArrowintheBowoftheLord
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Overall: 18/20
Review: I like this, Arrow. I think we all have ideas on what it would be like to be in a completely alien environment. We, as a human, are exposed frequently to media and just the possibilities of seeing what other planets are really like, so kudos to you for putting this story together.

Some guy, Mark, with no explanation as to why he's on Mars or how long he'll be there, believes he is just sharing the mere experience of being a human being on Mars with Em in letters. No spacesuits, no gizmos, no tech or distractions other than the complete joy of experiencing something so new and rare - just like a child. But there is this underlying - something. I read your story a couple of times and to be honest, it gave me a chill. I think that was your intent - it was very subtle but very effective. Your Mark seems to want to believe it's all innocent and cotton candy-ish, but I believe he also has a chill about the place, especially the night. Right?

So good job, Arrow, and thanks for your submission. *
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="Ralph Rotten"]
"Title": Invisible Plea
Author Shockhawk

Review: I thought this was a fun little piece that paid homage to the classic movie starring Claude Rains. It started out innocently enough, and grew into inevitable catastrophe. Twas the best of the submissions this month, in my opinion.

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 17/20
__________________________________________________ __________

Deer Santar Clars​Author Lucky Scars

Review: I liked this piece, the voice was authentic for an eager 7 year old, but it was only at the end that we learn about the bear that is...squeezing..the boy? The ending seemed a little bit hurried.

SPaG: 5/5 (the spelling errors were intentional)
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 15/20
__________________________________________________ ____

*The Schrödinger Incident
Author BD Charles

Review: This story was well structured for being such a short piece. The entries had a solid voice, but the formatting of the actual text left it feeling a little flat (I would have used bold print for each of the headers/timestamps). As for story, it was intriguing, but the reader could very quickly see where it was going.

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 17/20
__________________________________________________ _
Ghel
Author BD Charles

Review: Although I liked the vintage style of speech employed in this story, and appreciate the effort it took to write such a tale (reminiscent of Homer's Odyssey), the story was a lot of work to read. The ending was not as rewarding as it could have been, and I felt like the herder was just crazy.

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 3/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 14/20
__________________________________________________ _________
Discombobulation

Author Tim

Review: This story started out with some promise. It was pithy, sounded like maybe the writer was going to be some kind of crazy who obsessed over something in the sugar, but then the sugar was forgotten and we were killing people over a parking spot. What about the sugar? The overall plot was not cohesive.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 3/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 13/20
__________________________________________________ __
Collapsing Reference Frame
Author Epimuthus

Review: This story started out as if it was either going to be a love story or a stalker story. I kept waiting for it to go one way or the other, but in the end it sort of fizzled. Then it closed with the character lamenting how his thesis had been rejected. So I am not sure what it was really about.

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 3/5
Evaluation: 3/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 13/20

___________________________________________________________
December in the Singing Ringing Land
Author Bow in the hand

Review: I love a good sci-fi story, and this one started out well. We had people on Mars, experiencing the new planet, wonderment, awe, etc. But the story never really jelled. There was mention of Mark's partner getting weird, but then it never really touched on that again. In the end, it just fizzled. Well structured story, but not much apex.

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 4/5
Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 3/5
Total: 16/20*
[/spoiler2]

In machine-readable, robot-friendly format:


Author, Titlevelo-xXx-SueCRalph Rotten*Totes*Luckyscars, Deer Santar Clars16.517181516.625Shockhawk, Invisible Plea1518171716.75SueC, Entry withdrawn-----Anon (Mish), The Schrödinger Incident - Captain's Logs1818171717.5Anon (-xXx-), -*ghel--15-151414.667Tim, Discombobulation1317181315.25epimetheus, Collapsing Reference Frame17.519181316.875ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord, December in the Singing Ringing Land1519181617
 

Ergo, hence, and it follows that in a well-timed late season flourish fully in keeping with the advent of a new decade (silence, those "but '21 is the new decade"-ers!) your final winner of 2019 is - _da, dada-daaaa!_:

*Mish
*_with_*
"The Schrödinger Incident - Captain's Logs*"​

Second it is:

*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
*_with _*
"December in the Singing Ringing Land"*​

And in third:
*epimetheus
*_with_*
"Collapsing Reference Frame"*​


So there it is. Congratulations Mish (is this your first win? Get Mish a medal, someone!) and the runners up. Thank you all again, judges, competitors, readers, and I look forward to tussling with you all for the judges' good remarks in LM's to come but for now I must remain -- your obt. svt. -- 

_

{{Here there is a smudge - perhaps a thumbprint - and a dragging, downward scrawl as though the writer fainted or was seized from their desk}}_


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## epimetheus (Dec 29, 2019)

Thanks bdcharles for making this possible, past and present, it's a great resource. And thanks to the judges, hopefully making a better writer out of me. I'll admit i've only read one other entry, but congrats anyway Mish and Arrow, i'll read them when i get a chance.


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## Shockhawk (Dec 29, 2019)

Congrats Mish!!


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## SueC (Dec 29, 2019)

Good job to all who entered! Good reads all around. I noticed the letter "J" in a couple critiques of mine - for some reason the smiley face )) was transferred as "J." I didn't want anyone of our submitters to think I had forgotten their names! Good job all.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Dec 29, 2019)

Congratulations, Mish! A well-deserved win!

velo! I'm so sorry about my username! I was 14, alright? :nonchalance:


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## Ralph Rotten (Dec 29, 2019)

Congrats to all the participants.
Packing a whole story into a 600 word tale is a serious challenge.
Bravo to you all.


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## Tim (Dec 29, 2019)

Well done. Congratulations Mish!


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## Mish (Dec 30, 2019)

Wow, thank you so much everyone! I've never written in the epistolary format before, so I didn't expect to win. In the end, this was an experiment that paid off. The moral of this story I guess; never be afraid to try something new. Thank you to all of the judges for your wonderful feedback and to everyone who entered. Congrats to all of the winners, this was a challenging prompt, but we ended up with some good results. I thought this prompt was perfect for showing a gradual mental decline of the main protagonist, I hope some of it has come through in what I have written.

Thank you to bdcharles for your time hosting these competitions, I'm going to miss your always thought provoking feedback. I hope you will stick around so I can read more of your great stories.


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## PiP (Dec 30, 2019)

Congratulations, Mish! A well-deserved win.


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