# Losing my mind



## kbsmith (Oct 11, 2015)

Hi, everyone. I've been drinking tonight (as per usual)  .  But, I was wondering how many of you really just hate your life? I feel like everyone else is living life more fully and with more passion than I am. I feel like I'm wasting time treading water when other people are surfing waves. I have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with my amount of influence on the world and my own social reach. I don't know how to escape this feeling. Any thoughts on this? Any advice?


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## Crowley K. Jarvis (Oct 11, 2015)

Even the most successful people have their own problems. 

Actors, Olympic medalists rich folks... being successful often means a faster-moving life, more stress, and more possessions to worry about losing. 

If I had to walk in their shoes, I probably couldn't do it. It's demanding and hectic. 

Personally, I'm not the best artist or writer. I'm not rich or famous, or any definition of 'successful.' But I'm happy. I think about how stressed out people are, losing their hair at 30 and being sick from the thought of losing what they have... I don't want that life. Even the most successful people still reach very few of the populace. How many best-seller books are printed? How many people have actually read them? Or looked at a famous drawing?It might be a lot of people, but not all of them. 

You seem like you're passionate to me. I would say... don't get discouraged because it's a slower pace. Yeah, we're not skydiving or base jumping, but we have less to worry about. Those people fall apart from their worries. Worries that WE don't have. 

The only thing we worry about is if we'll ever live like they do. I'm sure someone would tell you that it's not so great. We have to make our fulfillment. It's harder when we measure ourselves alongside others. It doesn't take alot of effort, either. Just being proactive. It's both a mindset and an action plan. But there's balance. You don't enjoy the complicated things without the simple things, or enjoy a calm evening without exciting ones. 

I don't have to worry about the other sports team.

No worries about bills. No injuries, no commitments, no expectations. 

We take peace of mind for granted, until we're so busy that we can't hear ourselves think.


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## dither (Oct 11, 2015)

kbsmith,
i don't suppose that knowing you're not the only one is much consolation but you're not.
Outside of work i don't know anybody.
I work all week and at the weekend i drink to pass the time.

Good luck...


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## JustRob (Oct 11, 2015)

I had a cousin who lived with his mother. When his mother died he carried on living in her house. He worked as a bus driver. He couldn't have had much of a life because when he died the local council had him cremated, nobody turned up to mourn his passing and he left all of his estate to charity. I only found out that he'd ever existed as a result of research into my family tree ten years later. I'd never known before. None of my family had. Sad story.

I once felt that I was an outsider to society when I was young. Eventually I thought "to hell with it", gave up caring what people thought of me and generally made a fool of myself. Many people regard me as part of their society now, but I still see myself as that outsider playing the fool, maybe a much wiser fool, but a fool nevertheless. I'm happy with that though and glad that I did it all those years ago. Otherwise I might have ended up like my cousin. I'm still leaving all my money to charity though, although my angel has first claim on it. She really deserves it for coping with this old fool for so many years.


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## Plasticweld (Oct 11, 2015)

As the guy who is surfing I can only wonder why you are treading water in the shallow end when there is so much excitement to be had.  Yes once you leave the safety of the shallow water you can drown, yes when you try to get up on your board you are going to fail and fall off more than you will stay on when learning; more than likely you fail a hundred percent of the time in your first attempts. Your going to be banged up, held under by big waves, conked in the head by your board, maybe even get to see a shark that is looking for a snack. 

The plus side is that when you do achieve some measure of success, even if it is for a view brief moments it is worth the risk. The failures and the pain all seem to pale in comparison to being able to do something and succeed, it is even more rewarding to achieve some level of competence and you can look back and clearly remember a time when you couldn't even get up. 


All I can offer is that the sunrise sitting on a board looks better to me than the one when your sitting on the beach. 


Writing is no different,  Some of you here have remarkable skills and are trying for perfection, the biggest wave "published" or just well crafted writing. I see natural athletes in the field of writing that I will never be able to compete with.  I headed into the deep end knowing I am going to get discouraged and fall down, never get to that level. 


KB for what it is worth, I wish I could write like you, or Crow or Dither and JustRob, all of you guys are surfing the big waves of writing skills while I am still falling down and learning, still trying to figure out where the hell to put a coma or one of these things ; Still  trying to learn to write well crafted sentences and avoid the simple stupid stuff that all you guys seem to do with  no effort. 


All I can say KB is fail with me and try,  no one has made fun of me here for trying. I seriously doubt anyone in the real world will give you an grief for trying.  Stick out your hand in friendship to someone you don't know. Hop on a skate board or anything else that can get you bruised up, you'll heal.  Find something that just needs to be done and jump in to help.   I know you can because when I needed help you jumped in and it made a difference with me...Bob


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## Phil Istine (Oct 11, 2015)

kbsmith said:


> Hi, everyone. I've been drinking tonight (as per usual)  .  But, I was wondering how many of you really just hate your life? I feel like everyone else is living life more fully and with more passion than I am. I feel like I'm wasting time treading water when other people are surfing waves. I have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with my amount of influence on the world and my own social reach. I don't know how to escape this feeling. Any thoughts on this? Any advice?



One of the more memorable things that was said to me about this conundrum: "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 11, 2015)

Don't worry KB! You've got some good stuff on here already. Personally, I'm a fan.

But I hear you. Sometimes it seems like I'm still using the training wheels while other people are heading up mountains. But this is all perspective and, sometimes, it is inaccurate. I think we all need to realize that everyone struggles, especially in the field of writing. It is an extremely difficult field to find success, whatever your measure of it is. 

Don't worry, I say. You will find what you're looking for if you're willing to work hard enough at it. The thing that separates the greats from everyone else is how much effort, time and determination they put in. They're not magical creatures. We are all human-- nothing more and nothing less.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Oct 11, 2015)

KB, I know what you're feeling pretty well.  I don't have many friends locally, so it's always a twenty or thirty-minute drive and an assessment of money and schedules if I want to hang out with someone.  Lately, my friends have been less and less available, have forgotten I exist, or have started/been wishing that I'd stop existing and go bother someone else, so I've had to make do with my own company.  As for my impact on the world, I figure I do enough damage just existing, why make things worse for everyone?  Haha.

It's not always easy to get out and do stuff, but you don't have to go too far to find adventure.  I generally just take a short walk down the road, and I find that I feel better and worry less when I'm wandering.  Sometimes I'll go and wander around the next city over and just look around, duck into a few shops or take a few photos.  If I can't get out, I find that reading can help.

Dunno what else to tell you, man.  Everything works out in the end, and existence and memory are temporary things.  We all fade away at some point, the point is to make do with what we've got and focus on those that matter to us here and now.  Live how you want to live, or how you can afford to live.  Make friends, do things.  I realize it isn't that easy all the time, but.. that's life.

-shrug-

I hope this is more helpful than it sounds.


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## Cran (Oct 12, 2015)

Hi kb. You're covering a lot of ground here, so can we take this in smaller steps?


kbsmith said:


> Hi, everyone. I've been drinking tonight (as per usual)  .  But, I was wondering how many of you really just hate your life?


More than either of us can possibly know. How many do something positive about it is another question; as is how many just decide it's easier or better to just give up. But none of that is relevant to your situation, really. At least, not yet. 

Now, let's understand this. 

Do you hate your life when you drink? Do you hate your life because you drink? Do you drink because you hate your life? Which came first? 

This is important. The way beyond where you are to where you would like to be depends a lot on why you are where you are.




> I feel like everyone else is living life more fully and with more passion than I am. I feel like I'm wasting time treading water when other people are surfing waves.


These are consequences of where you are. They are dark shadows, heavy, draining your energy and your will to live. They might even be calling to you, telling you not to bother, or mocking you when you try. But they are just shadows, cast by whatever caused you to be where you are. 

If you can identify the real cause, see it as it really is, not as it has made itself by feeding on your life, if you can really see it, you can bring light to diminish, even dispel, those shadows.



> I have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with my amount of influence on the world and my own social reach.


This is both a painful blow and a signpost to the way out of where you are. These, your influence and your reach, are things you can change. 

And you have already begun to change them. Just look at the responses you got - *you* did that! Your influence, your reach, your first step. Will you take another?



> I don't know how to escape this feeling. Any thoughts on this? Any advice?


Can we start with those first questions? Can you see what is causing the shadows?


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## JustRob (Oct 12, 2015)

"Life is the penalty for living and the reward for enduring it."

I put quotes round that because no doubt somebody will say that one day and I like to stay ahead of the game. Until then it will have to remain anonymous.

As you may well imagine, the men in white coats did actually come and take me away once. Neither psychiatric drugs nor self-administered ones out of a bottle can change a life for the better though. The change has to come from inside in its own time. Even if you can't change the life that you hate, and most of us have parts of our lives like that, you can change your mind about how you see it. There's always another way of looking at things and you can score a lot of LOLs on WF by seeing them from another angle, which is a start, I suppose. 

While we're on that subject, could some of you tick a few boxes in my favour as my reputation points have almost reached 900 and my angel gets _really_ annoyed when I keep checking them as they near another century. I need the sympathy because I've been struck down by this virus and have spent a lousy day in bed with nothing to do but beta read a story by Bishop, which proves just how desperate I've got. Actually it isn't at all bad. Shame he hasn't finished it yet -- but that's life all over, a story written day by day. Whew, got out of that corner by the skin of my teeth. Sorry, it must be this fever. What was the topic again?


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## Pluralized (Oct 12, 2015)

Hey, hope things are on the upswing today. Feel you. It's hard being human, especially when you're not swept up in the mind-numbing pablum of sports or contests or social wasting of some kind and actually aware of the futility of it all. 

The notion that we are all destined to be self-absorbed and self-destructive to some extent, or at the very least disillusioned has been written about by many navelgazing scholars and philosophers over the years. My favorite solution to this came from HHDLIV, who wrote that if you're ever to truly embrace fulfillment, ever to see the beauty in life, you must put yourself aside and care for others. Doing things for other people and sacrifice help you to sense true gratitude and fulfillment, though it is supremely difficult.


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## kbsmith (Oct 12, 2015)

Gratefully encouraged


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## kbsmith (Oct 12, 2015)

I'm that guy who works real hard on a monday


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## walker (Oct 12, 2015)

kbsmith, I wish you the best at getting through whatever you're going through.

My thoughts are that there is no solution in a bottle of alcohol, whether you are drinking with friends or not, and since you mentioned drinking a couple of times, that might be something you want to look at a little more closely. I'm not saying that drinking is a problem for you (how would I know?), just that if you do have other things to work on, you need to clear the decks first. I would not expect someone who was otherwise down, but drank in a minimal way  (say one glass of wine twice a month with friends) to mention drinking as having an effect on their life. Do I speak from experience? Yes.

Best, Bob


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## Kevin (Oct 12, 2015)

> What can I offer earth?
> What do I owe my fellow man?


 Tell me a story...


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## Cran (Oct 12, 2015)

kbsmith said:


> Alcohol gives me some semblance of control, by giving me means to  relinquish it. Contradictory? The thought rings that: "Sure, maybe I'm  messing things up for myself, but at least then they are mine to mess!"


OK, that's the first question answered; you drink because you hate your life. Good.

And yes, it is your life to mess up if you so choose. But do you choose? If so, then why are not feeling successful, or happy?



> Cran, you asked about shadows.


Not quite. I identified shadows; I asked about causes, but one points to the other.


> I feel that large shadows of the past  hang over me. Proof of failed expectations, shoes I could never fill sit  dusty in a corner. Perhaps it was I putting such high expectations on  myself, preparing myself to fail: the boy shoots at the furthest target,  never knowing if he hits it, while others shoot close range to develop  their sights. Maybe I'm feeling regret over where and how I've spent my  time. Maybe I'm struggling to carve a new face out of the shit heap I  see in the mirror.


There's a sense of uncertainty here: perhaps, maybe, maybe.

Were you putting unrealistically high expectations on yourself? 

Are you feeling regret over where and how you spent your life?

Are you struggling to remake yourself?




> I feel as though I am groping the darkness looking for a shape or path to define my actions: some precedent or clue that I can assuredly follow into success and happiness...


Groping is good. 

Do you have some idea in mind of what shape success and happiness look like, feel like?

Do the two go together? Can you only feel happy if you achieve what you can claim as a success?




> Yes, I am trying at the same time to be better toward myself, but where does that get me besides ultimately the same places: feelings of disappointment and failure. A loneliness accompanied by a disheartened sigh over the insignificance of one's fragile mortality.


What are you hoping to find?




> Pretentious and sappy musings aside, I am more and more believing that each of us as a conscious entity has no effect on our future. I do not feel things are predetermined, I would not go so far as to assume some higher power has already decided the future, but I do not believe particular outcomes of life can be avoided.
> 
> In other words, we are a natural extension of the world that birthed us, and, in the end, will act according to its best interest. I am having a hard time grasping the value of a consumer driven, urban culture in this modern world. Basically, I'm losing grips on the social construct of humanity. Thus, I believe I am losing my mind...
> 
> I can't help but feel like a side effect, a knock off, a warped reflection of what modern society can do to a person.


Well, of course. You're trying to understand a paradox, and it's frustrating you.

Why do you think a consumer-driven urban culture has a value?

How can a consumer-driven urban culture even exist if humanity has no conscious effect on its future?




> What can I offer earth?
> What do I owe my fellow man?
> Is there any such thing as ownership of anything?


Questions are good. And, as questions go, these are very good.

The first is not the easiest, but the most likely to gain a solid answer, once you figure out what, if anything, is worth your time and effort.

The other two delve into broader philosophies and are therefore likely to produce little beyond endless discussions, disagreements and debates.


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## escorial (Oct 14, 2015)

i think when you ask or feel these things one is really finding it hard to accept ones own limitations on many things


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## Sam (Oct 14, 2015)

I don't want to associate with anyone who isn't at least a little bit insane, and everyone I've ever known is at least a little bit insane. 

We all need to lose our mind once in a while. It reminds us that we're human; that we're sentient beings and not mindless drones. 

You look at other people and you think they're living their life with more passion than you, that they're somehow living a fuller life than you are, but if you could hear their thoughts, if you could feel their fears, you might think differently on that. There isn't a single person I have ever met who didn't regret something about their life. There are people who are tethered to responsibilities and priorities, like children or family, and their dreams are fading into a black hole. There are people working 50-hour weeks in hellish jobs because they have mortgages to pay and endless bills to tend to. Those people you think are living the dream: it may look like it from afar, but get out a microscope and it'll paint a different picture. 

I don't have much social reach or influence on the world. I don't care to; it's not my scene. I can understand why someone would desire it, but what I've found, intuitively speaking, about desiring something is that if you actually achieve it, it's usually never quite what you envisioned it would be. Life is like that. One day, you're a bright and bushy-tailed tyro, keen to get stuck into anything and everything; the next, you're jettisoning water from a punctured dinghy, trying to stay afloat in a sea of sharks while desperately scrambling to get the wound cauterised before they surround you. 

Life can beat you down if you let it. It's up to you whether you let it. 

We all have ideal versions of ourselves. We all have this idea of where we want to be, and we tell ourselves that if we could get our actual self to that idealised self, we would finally be content and happy. So we try to get Self A to Self B, by process of desiring wealth and fame and influence and whatever else comes with the territory. But the goalposts never stop moving. Our idealised self changes as we change, and the more we try to get to that elusive goal, the more _ill_usive it becomes.

I was once told that true contentment in life doesn't come from trying to get our actual self to our idealised self; it comes from taking our idealised self and bringing it back to our actual self. It was a profound message for me. I hope you'll try to figure out the meaning of it. I think it could help you. 

Well, at least I hope it does.


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## aj47 (Oct 14, 2015)

I think when we feel like there are no options...no choices...that we need to reevaluate because we all have some freedom of choice. It may not be as much as we like, but some choices lead to better options for the next choice.  Try to find those and exploit the heck out of them.


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## ismith (Oct 30, 2015)

Being a recovered depressed person I have come to realize that happiness is a fleeting thing, much like a wild horse.  You have to first know what it is, then you have to hunt it, and finally you have to jump on its back and hold on. What would bring you happiness?


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## Mistique (Oct 31, 2015)

Phil Istine said:


> One of the more memorable things that was said to me about this conundrum: "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."



yes, that is exactely what I think when I feel bad about my life (which I rather regulary do). It really is true. I never felt very attractive as a going girl and I paticulary felt selfconcious about my tummy. I looked up to my georgeous cousin who looked absolutely perfect in my eyes. One day I noticed het acting in a way - she tried to pull her sweater further down over her tummy - that made me realize she felt just as insecure about the way she looked as I did. Try to see your unhappyness about your life as a sign that you want more from life. That is a good thing. Then try to find ways to actually get what it is you want from life.


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## PhunkyMunky (Oct 31, 2015)

I have my days when I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the Pacific with naught but water in sight. They used to be more frequent and last a lot longer than they do now. 

The truth is, most AREN'T living their life with more passion. Who can these days? If one watches the news, it's all usually terrible. Then there's bills to pay with not enough money to pay bills AND live. For the longest time it was nothing but work for me. I'd not see my family for weeks it seemed, just in passing. Kiss the wife and kids on my way out the door and home in bed before everyone woke up. THEY were the ones out enjoying my paycheck LOL. I just got to earn it. It's just how stuff goes sometimes. 

Passion is something within you. You're just in a slump and it's amplified when you drink.


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## Reichelina (Mar 12, 2016)

kbsmith said:


> Hi, everyone. I've been drinking tonight (as per usual)  .  But, I was wondering how many of you really just hate your life? I feel like everyone else is living life more fully and with more passion than I am. I feel like I'm wasting time treading water when other people are surfing waves. I have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with my amount of influence on the world and my own social reach. I don't know how to escape this feeling. Any thoughts on this? Any advice?



I can feel you.
A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point.
Every. Single. Burden. Visited. Me. That. Night.

I almost wanted to die.

Actually, no. I didnt want to die, but I want the pain to end. 
I got scared because I didn't think it can be as awful as that. 

But then, I told my closest friends what I was going through, regardless of whether or not they'll understand me (most don't, but it's not surprising, i can be pretty weird and mysterious) but, the burden lessened thank God, I just needed someone to listen, to be there. Not someone to give me solutions. Not to say anything but just listen.

But I'm still with my problems, right. I just felt BETTER after sharing.

Writing helped. I just poured my emotions down there. 
It's like telling the world of your secrets without really telling anyone. Hahaha. Walking helped too. And prayers.

I just remembered how I survived EVERY trial I was faced with. Surely I can overcome this one, eh? I know it's easier said than done, but when things get pretty ugly in this life, I just hold onto the promise of the afterlife. Everything in this world is TEMPORARY. 

I have so many mistakes but I can't change the past. 
Overthinking and worrying only rob me of the future.

I get depressed every now and then, get pretty lonely, yeah, but i try to survive. I have to. 

Kbsmith, you're not alone. You don't have to face your problems alone. 
I can't solve your problems but i can empathize. Hang in there. 
Hugs! Xoxo.m


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## escorial (Mar 12, 2016)

the thing is everyone who feels this way has to some how find their path..a lonely path that never ends and some don't make it to the end...but those that do find their way will one day look back and realise that their past will always fight their future to the bitter end....somewhere in that place you found the inner resources to get beyond and live again


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## Reichelina (Mar 12, 2016)

Yeah. If you don't have problems, if you've never felt disappointment, loneliness, dissatisfaction, hate, envy, (fill this up....) I guess you're not human.  

Oh my! I'm human! I thought I was a butterfly! Lol. 

Group hug everyone!!!!'
⛄️⛄️⛄️⛄️⛄️⛄️


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## escorial (Mar 12, 2016)

animals feel all those emotions that humans do....they just have to deal with survival more than we do...


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## kbsmith (Mar 14, 2016)

Hi, My name is Keith - I'm an alcoholic.

Months later, I'm still alive. It's less painful; I still tread water in an expanse of unachieved ambitions. I swim toward a distant shore of promises. But I am not alone. I see now that the ocean is full of people that - like ants that fight the drowning - they climb atop each other to breathe the surface air. 
If everyone matters, then no one does.

My time as a drunken, degenerate sociopath in the black lights of strip clubs, in the alleyways behind rock concert venues burning pipes with lighters, in hotel rooms with razor blades and cash money - my time spent on the musical articulation of rage inside half-listening crowds of people that shout back with mindless, automatic cheer - in both mosh pits and dance raves; My time of deafening volume has earned me the quiet nights beneath a woman who's softly fingered hands caress my chest. Her soft and gentle voice is to me more valuable than all the noise of shattered glass and static that represents my life before. 
And here I feel I've learned, that maybe, if she can love me, then so can I.

Melodrama be damned. I'm happier now, at least more than I was then.

(everyone claps, in unison: "thanks for sharing.")


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## Reichelina (Mar 14, 2016)

kbsmith said:


> Hi, My name is Keith - I'm an alcoholic.
> 
> Months later, I'm still alive. It's less painful; I still tread water in an expanse of unachieved ambitions. I swim toward a distant shore of promises. But I am not alone. I see now that the ocean is full of people that - like ants that fight the drowning - they climb atop each other to breathe the surface air.
> If everyone matters, then no one does.
> ...



I'm glad to hear that you're happier now. 
No one js better than you and you are not less than anyone. 

We get sad when we compare ourselves to others when we see how far they've gone and how they got their thing together and we don't. But we only see their finished product. We don't get to see the behind the scenes. We don't get to hear the constant jam of thoughts in their heads saying they are not good enough and they're nothing but a failure. 

You're not alone. And yes, you are worth loving. 

Hugs! 

P.S. 
You write beautifully. I felt your emotions and saw a fragment of your life through your words. Have a nice day.


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