# Does it have a future guys?



## areid46 (Mar 6, 2011)

Hey everyone! I've written the first chapter of my story and im beginning to wonder if its enjoyable enough that its worth my time continuing. So any feedback you can give me, positive or negative, is really appreciated.

So just to set the scene quickly, three women have won a luxury trip away to the isolated countryside. They're having a fantastic holiday until they get bored one night and decide to go explore the hotel. It's at this point that a rather unexpected discovery changes this relaxing holiday into something altogether less appealing...

Begin


After what seemed like years the spiralling stairs eventually ended and at the top stood a large black door.
A small but magnificently crafted plaque shone against the dark wood and leaning closer I could see faint writing. Inscribed in beautiful, but shallow font, was the word ‘Ballroom’.
We each halted with military like precision as we considered this unusual room.
‘A ballroom? All the way up here?’ It took me a moment to realise it was my mouth that had uttered those words.
‘The stairs are so narrow, you wouldn’t think the room would be big enough to dance in.’ piped up a voice from the back, at a guess it was Claire but with the darkness so dense up here it was impossible to know for sure.
“Well?” The voice was annoyed and without doubt this time I knew it was Mary. “What are you waiting for? I didn’t walk all the way up here to go back down. Open the stupid door already.”
And with that the decision was unanimous and the heavy door began to creek open slowly.
We entered into a vast, dimly lit room and what met our eyes was beyond even the wildest imagination amongst us. A huge carousel, the size of the entire room, stood sombrely still among the glum light. Its spiral pillars, which I believe at one point would have been beautifully coloured and polished, now stood with a thick layer of dust clinging to every inch of its surface with spider webs sprawling the entire length of the room, and dangling from the ceiling like some freakish gossamer ghost. 
At the opposite side of the room the wall only came to waist height and the rest was open to the world. The stars were clearly visible and the moon was full in its pale and lonesome glory. It was this light, and this light only, that allowed us to see the carousels outline and shapes, and that illuminated the difference between this carousel in front of ours eyes, and any other we had ever seen before. 
Where the horses ought to have proudly stood at the end of the dusty, forgotten pillars, plastic mannequins had taken their place. The mannequin closest to us was that of a small girl, just recognisable by her size and innocent, plump cheeks. The sickly light ebbing from the night sky cast a faint blush on those cheeks and gave her matt, soulless eyes an almost human glimmer. It was eerie to see life flash on and off of her eyes from the twinkling of the distant stars.
“Woow.”
“Yeah.”
“What…..” Not one amongst us could think of where to start with that question.
My first step forward echoed round the mannequin dancers and rumbled gently amongst the filthy cobwebs.
There was a silent stir.
More echoes followed as the girls crept in behind me and we fanned out, slightly, to investigate. The floor bulged slightly as you walked closer to the centre where the large thick tree-like trunk of the carousel had dug its roots. 
Peering closer I could see faint carvings in the trunk, however the dust was so thick that unless I wanted to get my hands filthy there was no way of knowing exactly what they depicted.
It was at this point that the silence ended and my heart stopped dead in my chest.


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## Jon M (Mar 7, 2011)

The way Claire and Mary were introduced felt clunky. Why draw it out with stuff like ". . . it could have been her voice, but the darkness was so thick, I just didn't know."? What's the big mystery? And it doesn't really make sense -- presumably this isn't the first time the narrator has found himself with Claire or Mary, so it's a stretch that he couldn't identify them by their voices. Most people can, unless it's some weird circumstance of twins, or whatever.

This does not read well as First Person perspective. It is too descriptive, and not internal as much as it should be. Perhaps it would be better written in Third Person Limited.


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## areid46 (Mar 7, 2011)

Very good points Fearsatan, thanks. I had originally worked on the premise that the girls came on the holiday together but i then changed while writing and was aiming on having them meet during the holiday, hence she didn't know their voices well. but i agree that its clunky. I need to go back and rewrite.
Once again i also agree with the first person perspective comment. I had, again, originally intended to make it third person but i thought perhaps by doing it first person i could create more of an atmosphere but didn't think my plan through.
Thanks a lot Fearsatan, its much appreciated and you've given me much to work on


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## Paul Byrne (Mar 9, 2011)

I agree with the first person point. At the start, you have the narrator's character leaning in to read the plaque, and noticing is says 'ballroom'. The three characters then halt with military precision? This makes no sense. Is she leaning in whilst still moving? Three women on a holiday being associated with the military causes the reader to pause and question the reality of the story at that point. I hope that makes sense! 
'We entered into a vast, dimly lit room and what met our eyes was beyond even the wildest imagination amongst us' I feel that you should lose the 'wildest imagination' part of this line - you are setting yourself a great challenge that is difficult if not impossible to achieve. The reader immediately forms an opinion of what they believe is beyond their own wildest imagination, and expects the author to describe this. When it turns out to be a carousel, there is a feeling of deflation. You talk about the carousel having roots? This didn't make sense without more clarification. 
Sorry for being negative, but the story does have potential. When you talk of a hotel, I thought of Stephen King's 'The Shining'. When you described the mannequin I felt a shiver. I hope this is going to continue in this vein?


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## Bruno Spatola (Mar 10, 2011)

It's a tad clichéd and in need of some fairly extensive editing, but I think the story definitely has legs, once you've refined it and focused the narrative. 

You seem to have the habit of describing things with a lot of embellishment, which can turn something artistic into something. . .cumbersome. It can feel overbearing at times, so I think you should start off much more simply. It's not exactly accessible right now, in my opinion. My honest advice would be to start from scratch, try tackling it from a different angle. Keep what you've written here though, because there're some neat ideas in there, just not executed carefully enough. I really hope that's helpful, because I do think you have talent.   

Good luck .


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