# Croatian story



## Schrody (May 4, 2014)

I decided to do a LM Challenge, and started writing a story. Limit was 650 words, and I had so much fun just writing it, I wrote more than a thousand words. So, I'm giving you, members of the WF, my short, and hopefully, funny story. Critique it if you want, but that's not its sole purpose.

They came to spread peace and knowledge. We showed them who's in charge. No matter how incredible it may seem, it's completely true. It was a warm, spring day. Sun was caressing  vineyards across the little region called Zagorje, in a little country at the end of the world. Farmers were up even before dawn, good old Geppe, who had an internal clock, always stared singing at the same time, day after day. He was a local attraction, many farmers and their wives used to come from other villages just so they could hear his voice. He spent most of his time pecking corn, chasing hens and playing mind tricks with the dog. He was a rooster, of course. He liked to play among the tractors, until one day, he pay a price with his head. It was a pity to throw such a beautiful head, so farmers kept it, and gave it to the children instead of a football ball. Yeah, his head would jump higher than any professional ball. Good old Geppe. It was a waste of meat too, so they the cut him, and found a clock inside of his stomach. It seems he swallowed it when he was a young boy, and since he couldn't get rid of it any other way, clock stayed in his belly, growing with him. At least old farmer Franjo now knows what kept him awake at night, that non-stopping ticking was driving him mad.

Anyway, this isn't a story about Geppe, it's about them. Masters of the Universe, Lords of Cosmos, Stargazers, Terror of the Galaxy, or as they liked to be called; Bobby Bob. Bobby Bobs weren't terrifying at all, they just spread the rumors so no one would attack them.They were friendly too. Bobby Bobs were actually considered cowards since they lost their planet in a bet. Ashamed as they were,they decided to pick on someone smaller and weaker. They chose Earth. Little did they know, how dangerous fellows of Zagorje were. They hoped trip would be worthwhile, even though they had a hybrid drive, it was taking a whole five minutes to reach the Earth, and that was a lot for Bobby Bobs, since they didn't have a sense of time. Do you know those old black and white movies about monsters from outer space who came only to sow death and terror? It wasn't anything like that. 
Farmer Franjo was in his cellar, tasting last year's wine, the best in whole Zagorje, with his friends. They we're on strike, and when a man from Zagorje is on strike he blocks himself inside, and refuses to drink water. If you ever meet a man from Zagorje, you have to taste his wine. Trust me, you're in for a treat. They were all jolly from wine, singing their national anthems, and making toast every minute or two. They heard a loud noise out there, in the air. When they came out they were in a shock; fresh air was burning their nostrils, and making their throats sore. Nevertheless, it was something usual so they just dismissed that feeling and walked straight to the giant flying saucer. 
Doors opened, a heavy fog arose, and what looked like an extraterrestrial came out of it.

- We came BUAHA BU BURRRRGH!!!!! That's much better .- alien said when he cleared his throat. Damn fog. As I was saying, we came to share with you all our knowledge. 

Farmers were looking in disbelief. 

-Yes… of course… please, come in. Make yourselves at home.- Franjo gestured with his arm, inviting them into his home. 

They sat on a terrace, beneath old pine. 

- I'm sorry if we look shocked, truth is, we're shocked. Ar are you sure you're in the right country? Shouldn't you go to America (when we say America we mean the US), to meet the president?
- We heard you are the best winemakers in the galaxy, if that is not the case, we shall go somewhere else. I hear Belina is nice in this time of the year.- aliens started to laugh, but stopped when they saw humans don't understand their jokes. Fools. 
- You're in luck - Franjo was moving an alien tentacle wrapped around his leg - we truly have the best wine. 

He gave a look to his friend, he understood it, and went for the wine in the cellar. 

- Are you hungry? I can cook the dog…
- We consume only alcohol, we wouldn't survive any proteins in our fragile body.
- Oh. I see.
- Do you humans usually eat dogs?
- No… but what else to offer to foreigners?- he gave a nervous, almost on a nervous breakdown, smile to the alien he was talking to. Others were just looking at him and his friends. It gave him uncomfortably light feeling.
-Here you go. - his friend was back putting a bottle of wine on the table. Liquid was dark red, and it was steaming. 
- Holy crap.- said the other friend. You're gonna give them our best wine?
- Now, now - Franjo was calming him - they are our guests, and we should treat them like that.
- We, of course, will exchange with you our wine recipes. - alien said.
- Of course.- Franjo replied. 

He poured a glass of still steaming wine and gave it to the aliens. Leader took a sip, and it was good - for a moment. Soon he felt weakness and dizziness, whole world was spinning around, color of his skin changed into green, red, and then finally, grey. He fell on the ground, sensing darkness around him which was closing his eyes. The rest of the aliens who drank, ended the same.

- But… -he whispered, too weak to speak- how did you know?- his tentacle pointing at the farmer was shaking, until it fell down, onto his poisoned body. 
- How did you know, Franjo? - his friends were in wonder. 
- This isn't my first encounter with this scum. Also, they have a big disclaimer on their front bumper.

THE END​


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## Plasticweld (May 4, 2014)

All I want to know is what did the bumper sticker say?  If I am offered both dog and wine in Croatia I shall politely decline.


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## Schrody (May 4, 2014)

Plasticweld said:


> All I want to know is what did the bumper sticker say?  If I am offered both dog and wine in Croatia I shall politely decline.



You should because wine from Zagorje is the worst wine in the world! That said, we have a pretty good ones too, just none comes from Zagorje.

We even have a joke:

An American is on the trip through the Europe and he's writing a letter to his darling: "Yesterday I drank with Russians, I nearly died!". Few days later he wrote: "Yesterday I drank with people from Zagorje, I wish I died!"

Seriously, wine from that region is so sour, acidic, vinegary, just choose the adjective. Never ever drink wine from that region! Thankfully, only farmers are making that wine, it's not for sale.


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## bazz cargo (Jun 19, 2014)

Hi Schrody,
so what did the bumper sticker say?

For an ESL you write extraordinarily well, just a few nits, nothing to stop me reading. I apologise for the gender change, but this reads like a tall story told to a small child by a favourite uncle, I can almost see the twinkle in his eye. 

I'm glad you shared this, made my day.
Thank you
Bazz


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## Schrody (Jun 23, 2014)

bazz cargo said:


> Hi Schrody,
> so what did the bumper sticker say?
> 
> For an ESL you write extraordinarily well, just a few nits, nothing to stop me reading. I apologise for the gender change, but this reads like a tall story told to a small child by a favourite uncle, I can almost see the twinkle in his eye.
> ...



It said: "Aliens are humans too" hehe. I don't know, I love cliffhangers. 

Thank you, it means a lot to me.


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## WechtleinUns (Jun 23, 2014)

What an unbelievably cute story! There's a real sense of surrealism to it in parts. Further, I like how the men of Zagorje didn't give a flying frackas that aliens had just landed in their yard. It was really nice.


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## Blade (Jun 23, 2014)

> They came to spread peace and knowledge. We showed them who's in charge.



Pretty catchy opening line, if you ask me. Get disrespect for meddling foreigners right out front, and fast.:grin:


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## Schrody (Jun 23, 2014)

WechtleinUns said:


> What an unbelievably cute story! There's a real sense of surrealism to it in parts. Further, I like how the men of Zagorje didn't give a flying frackas that aliens had just landed in their yard. It was really nice.



Thanks!  Yeah, well, men from Zagorje are afraid of only one thing; their mother in law. There's nothing more scary than an old bat, I mean, wife's mother 



Blade said:


> Pretty catchy opening line, if you ask me. Get disrespect for meddling foreigners right out front, and fast.:grin:



Thanks. Zagorje people are known to be petty, jealous souls; if their cow dies, they won't be satisfied if at least 2 cows of a neighbour dies too, and don't like foreigners. Friendly people :mrgreen:


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## TKent (Sep 7, 2014)

OMG - this was so funny - loved it   So many great lines - just a few of my favs below.

- They came to spread peace and knowledge. We showed them who's in charge.
- until one day, he pay a price with his head. It was a pity to throw such a beautiful head, so farmers kept it, and gave it to the children instead of a football
- Masters of the Universe, Lords of Cosmos, Stargazers, Terror of the Galaxy, or as they liked to be called; Bobby Bob. 
- We came BUAHA BU BURRRRGH!!!!! That's much better .- alien said when he cleared his throat. Damn fog. As I was saying, we came to share with you all our knowledge. 
- I'm sorry if we look shocked, truth is, we're shocked. Are you sure you're in the right country? Shouldn't you go to America (when we say America we mean the US), to meet the president?
- Are you hungry? I can cook the dog…
- This isn't my first encounter with this scum. Also, they have a big disclaimer on their front bumper.


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## Schrody (Sep 7, 2014)

Thanks TK, just a moment of inspiration in my goofy head


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