# A waiting  mother



## haribol (Oct 19, 2017)

She is  sewing with thread in the hand
Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
A losing war
She hopes he will come, will come soon
And feels she is not doing, her sewing job fast enough,
Her hand is getting colder in that cold winter,
But the warmth of the belief that he will return
Is indeed warming her heart


----------



## aj47 (Oct 19, 2017)

haribol said:


> She is  sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> A losing war
> She hopes he will come, will come soon
> ...



Hello, nice meeting you. I like the idea of the warm heart in the chill of winter, but there are some issue here.

The whole is very wordy yet doesn't tell us much.  What is she sewing?  A shirt? Or is she embroidering a monogram?  And her son is in a battle ... how does she know?  A battle is pretty specific, modern battles are quick, over almost before they start, the farther back in history you go, the longer they take because of technology differences.  Also, I like the idea of a losing war.  I think all wars are losers.  But traditionally, we speak of nations winning or losing wars, or wars being lost or won.  Also, I think you meant *return*, not *come*.  

I think you're struggling with the language here and you may wish to revisit it and try saying it another way.  You repeat the use of *cold* and *warm* and you might want figure a way to express what you want to say about belief warming her while the winter makes her cold.

As I said, this is a good idea and if you work on it, it could be amazing.


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 19, 2017)

Not a fan as it is. The concept is fine, I enjoy personal takes on war, however I think what the previous poster said about it being wordy is true. I would narrow it down to the abstractions and general unnecessary words. 

Consider the first line: "she is sewing with thread in the hand". Is there any way to sew that does not involve thread? Is there any way to sew not involving hands? No of course not. So why not just say "she is sewing"? This is your first line. It needs to be sharp.

"Her hand is getting colder in that cold winter". A decent line, but isn't winter usually cold? Is it necessary to say "cold winter"? Why not just "winter"?

Does having "indeed" in the last line add anything? No. So cut it, it's filler. Anything unneeded in a poem especially one this short needs removed. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ned (Oct 20, 2017)

hello - good poem, leaning on the introspective.

try to get the cadence right-

sewing with thread in the hand
Something for her son in a battle field - etc

Her hand is getting colder in that cold winter,
But the warmth of the belief that he will return
Is indeed warming her heart

but, I would say the opposite is true,
that the thought of her son not returning, is cooling her warm heart.

just a thought........Ned


----------



## Pete_C (Oct 20, 2017)

This read, to me, as a very uncertain message. It was awkward, unbalanced and not very convincing. If I had to guess why, it would be because there is a lack of clarity over what the message is. While it might be aimed at delivering a general malaise, it actually reads as if the subject doesn't know how it (they) feels, and that makes it less significant to me as a reader.

If you want significance coupled with brevity, then every single word has to have impact, and those that don't must be removed.


----------



## PiP (Oct 20, 2017)

haribol said:


> She is  sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> A losing war
> She hopes he will come, will come soon
> ...



Hi haribol, I love the sentiment and desperation you have portrayed through your words of a mother impatiently waiting for her son to return from war. I have the feeling that the faster she sews the quicker he will return. 

Von has already made some good suggestions





> I would narrow it down to the abstractions and general unnecessary words.
> 
> Consider the first line: "she is sewing with thread in the hand". Is there any way to sew that does not involve thread? Is there any way to sew not involving hands? No of course not. So why not just say "she is sewing"? This is your first line. It needs to be sharp.
> 
> ...


----------



## jenthepen (Oct 21, 2017)

haribol said:


> She is  sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> A losing war
> She hopes he will come, will come soon
> ...



I agree with PiP. I think the heart of this poem is all about the need to sew faster to bring the son home. The cold is hampering her efforts but her belief that he will come home is keeping her working.

This is a unique and interesting way to show how mothers work to a different beat when they think of their children. They find ways to keep their children safe, even when any real control is taken from them.

You have received some good advice about ways to tighten up your poem and make it more _poetic_. I'd encourage you to work with that advice but take care to preserve the poignant message at the heart of your work. It is this heart that makes a poem worthwhile (and sometimes great). 

jen


----------



## dannyboy (Oct 22, 2017)

I’d  concentrate on the acts of sewing - what she sews, the colour of the thread, where she sews, etc. Visualise her, sitting (on what) in a room (what room) what is around her, photographs (the son in battle dress?)

While painting the image, build the tension - the need for her to sew faster, the hurry, the prick of a needle, blood?


Only reveal the reason at the end.

Just a thought. Thank you for posting.


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 22, 2017)

I’m just really tired of poems about women that come from an angle of weakness and subservience. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## dannyboy (Oct 22, 2017)

But if she represents the goddess drawing her son back from death into life - nothing weak about that.


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 22, 2017)

dannyboy said:


> But if she represents the goddess drawing her son back from death into life - nothing weak about that.



Was that in the poem? I didn’t notice it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## dannyboy (Oct 23, 2017)

I don’t think it was but sewing reminds me of the loom, the loom of Clotho, so we end up at the Goddess, add that to the idea of  another trying to “stitch” her son back in one piece - this could be very powerful - just a thought is all.

And I hope I haven’t dragged this away from the poet, its just that its given me an idea and isn’t that what we try to do - not just share our thoughts, but inspire other thoughts in those who read?


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 23, 2017)

For sure, I just wanted to make sure if that was in the OP I retracted my statement.

As it stands this fails the bechtel year too much for me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jenthepen (Oct 23, 2017)

haribol said:


> She is  sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> A losing war
> She hopes he will come, will come soon
> ...



    I was wondering, haribol, is your first language French? I ask because, although I saw the connections of *the thread in her hand* to her son, who is out of her hands, looking at it in French it becomes even more apparent. fil (thread) and fils (son). Also, the rhythm, pace and word sounds are much more fluid and poetic in French. In the final line, a more literal translation of _en effet_ _*in effect* _ would work better than *indeed* I think.

   Elle est en train de coudre avec du fil dans la main
Quelque chose pour son fils qui se bat dans un champ de bataille
Une guerre perdue
Elle espère qu'il viendra, viendra bientôt
Et sent qu'elle ne fait pas, son travail de couture assez rapidement,
Sa main devient plus froide dans cet hiver froid,
Mais la chaleur de la croyance qu'il va revenir
Est en effet réchauffer son coeur


----------



## aj47 (Oct 23, 2017)

I don't see any weakness in the protagonist.  For all we know, her son volunteered for service and she's supporting him in his choice, while disagreeing with it.  I think without details, we need to bring as open of a mind as we can.  Until we get a revision.


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 23, 2017)

astroannie said:


> I don't see any weakness in the protagonist.  For all we know, her son volunteered for service and she's supporting him in his choice, while disagreeing with it.  I think without details, we need to bring as open of a mind as we can.  Until we get a revision.



I think that’s fair, however the reason I assume a kind of weakness or at least frailty in her is because I have seen this character before many times and such characters are rarely strong. It is almost always a woman and she is always lamenting her husband or father or child, almost always a male, going off and doing things whether it’s a war or adventure or discovery or rescue or whatever. It’s not so much the character who is weak as it is the formation of the character.

You know the ones I mean. It’s all over Hollywood. “Your place isn’t saving the world, John, it’s here with the kids and me!” It’s everywhere. Thankfully less so now, but pretty much every war, adventure, sentimental biopic or drama had it as a subplot. The nineties were the peak. I’m not saying it’s not a realistic situation. I’m just saying, it’s boring and typecast. I want women who are strong and independent, if not initially then at least some point in the piece.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SilverMoon (Oct 23, 2017)

> Originally Posted by *VonBradstein
> *I’m just really tired of poems about women that come from an angle of weakness and subservience.....I want women who are strong and independent



Before I get to the OP (_which should be the matter at hand) _few argue that it was Betsy Ross who sewed the first American flag. So much for weakness and subservience.



> Originally Posted by *haribol
> *
> She is sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> ...



Hi, haribol. I hope you are still reading by this point! So much feedback can be overwhelming. I would simply like to say that your poem summons up image of a mother's strength in the waiting, hoping and creating.  She's sewing or knitting, maybe a sweater, for her son doing something constructive.

In intent, this is a very strong poem. Many great suggestions have been made for you to digest. Take this one slow. If you choose to go for a re-write that would be great. Nevertheless, I do hope to read more of your moving poems. Yours, Laurie


----------



## VonBradstein (Oct 24, 2017)

SilverMoon said:


> Before I get to the OP (_which should be the matter at hand) _few argue that it was Betsy Ross who sewed the first American flag. So much for weakness and subservience.



I’m sorry, I am confused. Where did Betsy Ross come in to this poem?

I’m not saying it couldn’t be strong. I’m just saying it isn’t right now. Too watered down. Too reliant on cliche. Of course that is just an opinion. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Firemajic (Oct 26, 2017)

haribol said:


> She is  sewing with thread in the hand
> Something for her son who is fighting in a battle field
> A losing war
> She hopes he will come, will come soon
> ...




Let me start with the title.... "A waiting Mother".... this "tells too much, almost no need to read the poem...
"Waiting" would work... the title should be part of the whole.... not explain what is going on...
I understand the sentiment behind this poem and many people did things to occupy their time, channel the fear and distract from the endless waiting....Her cold hands, caused by fear... maybe... one time, I was grieving, and did not even notice that winter was gone.. I stayed cold for a long, long time... maybe her fear froze her hands... not loving the end line... it is weak and cliché .... thanks for the read...
OOo, yeah, some nice imagery, and the mood of this poem is fabulous....


----------



## Andrew78 (Nov 1, 2017)

The images it conveys are very effective and touching, maybe it sounds a little bit too much prose-like in respect to the idea of poetry I have in my mind, but that is just a matter of personal taste, anyway it was good reading it, brought me back some memories of some stories I read.


----------

