# Please critique my synopsis.



## Stephanie1980 (Jan 27, 2013)

*Please note: *I am a Newbie to this forum. I am presuming that this area: Fantasy, Sci-Fi and Horror is the appropriate section to post my synopsis for constructive criticism? If not do let me know. 

Okay….. please be kind…. but brutally honest, as I want to edit and improve my current synopsis for my novel. 

This is a Trilogy I am writing, and this is from Book I. 

Genre: Supernatural Horror / Dark Fantasy

By: Stephanie Lise Lamoureux

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► *Synopsis  *
► *Title: Transgression – Book I*

   Married at nineteen, Poppy and Nate Molony have sustained a marriage for twelve years. The result two fraternal six-year-old twins named Archer and Alice. Poppy a part-time clerk at Bellmen’s Book Store, seeks solace in the literary world of Vampirism, masking the unhappiness in her life. She is a fan of the Vampire genre and writes a popular online blog called: _Who wants to live forever? --- Vampires Do!_ This is her means to escape from reality. Nate, a construction foreman is a hard working family man, with simple pleasures, dinner on the table by five, an endless supply of beer in the fridge and sports on television. The Molony’s live in the suburban town of Chesterfield, a township build on the logging industry. Nate build their family home along the cannel, backing the forest, it’s the only self-made wraparound veranda home in Chesterfield; a reputation that precedes him. Nate is a creature of routine, Poppy isn’t.  She constantly fights her melancholy as she tries to be a good mother to her children. Her best friend and co-worker Henrietta tries to encourage Poppy to get counseling to no avail. 

   Just when life seemed to provide Poppy with no solution to her problems a renowned self-made monk named Hubert Silverman was invited to do a book signing at Bellman’s Book Store, he just released his self-help book entitled _Quantum Leaping_. Henrietta introduces herself to Mr. Silverman and convinces him to help Poppy by using his self-hypnotists technique that he claims allows a person to travel deep within their sub consciousness and mentally travel to a parallel Universe. Within that alternate reality you can meet your other self and learn from them, increasing what is missing in your life. Poppy is not impressed with this strange therapy and thinks it’s a fraud, but indulges her friend and starts hypnotists sessions with Mr. Silverman. 

   Upon the fourth session, Poppy goes into a state of deep hypnotists and Mr. Silverman directs her to a parallel Universe to meet a happier more fulfilled Poppy-self , but what Mr. Silverman doesn't know is Poppy’s most fulfilled happy self resides in an alternate reality where Poppy is a Vampire and Supernatural beings are real. The therapy is supposed to help the person learn and bring back with them their Doppelganger’s positive energy into the person’s current life, but what Poppy brings back with her is more than the knowledge of a Vampire self, or anything good for that matter, she brings back something dark and evil.

   Exhausted and disillusioned Poppy resumes her normal life, ignoring Henrietta’s concerns that she is changing. Poppy begins feeling strange and seeing frightening things. As the changes “transformation” begins to intensify, Poppy is trapped between the reality she brought back with her and her present world. Hiding from her family propels events that are more destructive than Poppy could ever have imagined. 

   When Poppy’s horrifying secret is revealed the Molony’s are face with a new supernatural reality in their un-supernatural world, which will change their family forever. The town of Chesterfield will be put to the test, as the towns people will be challenged with everything they thought they knew to be real, including their faith.

   Has Poppy violated the most natural law of their world’s reality? There are those who would stop such a violation at all cost. So begins her transgression. Poppy should have never brought back the dark element of her parallel Universe.   

✿✿✿✿✿✿​
Ideas and changes welcome, I want to improve this as best I can!

CHEERS ~ Steph ☆


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## Pluralized (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi Steph - I'll give you my humble opinion, and point out a few glitches that I noticed. I think you have what could be a really interesting premise, though I'm unsure what is driving you directly to the idea of a "trilogy." Is there a logical Book II and III to this? Or does the idea of a trilogy just carry romantic notions since so many popular stories have been presented in this way? 

Paragraph one was tough to read, and I was backing up and going over sentences again and again. Perhaps it would be smart to attack the key points of the main character's struggle in the first paragraph, thereby hooking people in right away. There is a lot riding on this synopsis, right? It needs to start out smooth and strong. For instance, Nate and his only self-made wraparound home probably don't belong in that first paragraph, IMO. The first two sentences paint a picture of a family that honestly is going to require a lot of work from this point on to make me care about them. The marriage, is it just a struggle? They've sustained it. Not happily married, and they have bland names for their children. A couple of nicely-placed adjectives could make the twins people I want to care about, or at least have interest in. 

I think you could condense this whole thing by 30% or more and still get the synopsis told. There are several things that don't add anything other than words to the synopsis, and to be honest, if you pick up a book to read the back cover, you don't really care about, like the monk's name Hubert, and his book's title, and where he is introduced to the story (book signing), and etc. Just my observation.

Also - are you married to the name "Molony?" The reason I ask, is you'll constantly have the irritation of pronouncement to deal with. Is it pronounced "Maloney?" Or like "Colony?" It may be unfair for me to mention that, since it is your story and you can name whatever and whomever you want. Don't mind me.

You've got some grammatical errors and spelling problems, but I really like your presentation overall and wish you luck with the story. Keep/discard my input as you wish. 



Stephanie1980 said:


> ► *Synopsis  *
> ► *Title: Transgression – Book I*
> 
> Married at nineteen, Poppy and Nate Molony have sustained a marriage for twelve years. The result two fraternal six-year-old twins named Archer and Alice. Poppy, a part-time clerk at Bellmen’s Book Store, seeks solace in the literary world of Vampirism, masking the unhappiness in her life. She is a fan of the Vampire genre and writes a popular online blog called: _Who wants to live forever? --- Vampires Do!_ This is her means to escape from reality. didn't you just say the same thing above, where she's masking the unhappiness in her life? Nate, a construction foreman, is a hard working family man, with simple pleasures, dinner on the table by five, an endless supply of beer in the fridge and sports on television. The Molony’s (the apostrophe is possessive, not pluralizing. Maybe call them "The Molony family" or The Molonys) live in the suburban town of Chesterfield, a township build on the logging industry. Nate built their family home along the cannel (canal or channel?), backing the forest, it’s the only self-made wraparound veranda home in Chesterfield; a reputation that precedes him. Nate is a creature of routine, Poppy isn’t.  She constantly fights her melancholy as she tries to be a good mother to her children. Her best friend and co-worker Henrietta tries to encourage Poppy to get counseling to no avail.
> ...


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## dolphinlee (Jan 27, 2013)

I have been told and I have read that the start of a synopsis should be what is called a hook or an elevator pitch. 

e.g. "Same Kind of Different as Me" - A modern-day slave, an international art dealer and the unlikely woman who brought them together. 

Whether you put the hook at the start of your proposal of at the start of your synopsis it has to grab the agent/publisher instantly or else they won't bother going any further. 

I agree with Pluralized that as it stands this synopsis is a little long. 

If you do a search you will find more information about writing a synopsis.

(In case you are not sure - the search button is at the top right of the screen under the dark green bar. Type synopsis into the keyword box and change the box to the right of this to Search titles only. This will lead you to some useful threads. )


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## Woodroam (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi Steph,
I just entered a novel contest that required a 300 word "pitch".  This makes sense as editors, publishers, and agents don't have time to read a long synopsis. Can you cut your synopsis down to no more than 300 words? You can! Give it a try.


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## Stephanie1980 (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank you to everyone for your quick replies; I am going to work on it! Much appreciated.


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## dolphinlee (Jan 27, 2013)

One thing I should warn you about is that different agents/publishers ask for different length of synopsis. 

I spent a week getting my hook, synopsis and  author write up to one page. I nearly cried when I read that the next agent on my list allowed two pages.


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## qwertyman (Jan 28, 2013)

Hi Steph, sounds like a good yarn, but I think those who have spoken, have spoken wisely. There is a lot of repetition and qualifying. I have taken the first 311 words and reduced them to 150 words. I'm not saying it represents that which you consider most important, those decisions will be yours but, as a reader it's sufficient for me to grasp the plot.




Stephanie1980 said:


> ×▬▬▬▬▬▬××▬▬▬▬▬▬××▬▬▬▬▬▬×
> 
> ► *Synopsis  *
> ► *Title: Transgression – Book I*
> ...



*Poppy* and *Nate Molony,* born and bred in the suburban logging-town of Chesterfield, were married at nineteen before they had time to realise they were unsuited. Poppy, a part-time clerk at Bellmen’s Book Store, seeks solace in the literary world of Vampirism, masking the unhappiness and writing a popular online vampire blog. Nate, a construction foreman is a hard working family man, with simple pleasures, dinner on the table by five, beer in the fridge and sports on television.   Poppy constantly fights her melancholy as she tries to be a good mother to her children. Her best friend and co-worker *Henrietta *tries to encourage Poppy to get counseling to no avail.

A renowned self-made monk named *Hubert Silverman* (_is invited) _to do a book signing at Bellman’s Book Store, he _(has)_ just released his self-help book entitled _Quantum Leaping_. Silverman convinces  Poppy she can benefit by using his self-hypnotists technique….150 words

###

I have highlighted the main characters *names* the first time they are mentioned and, in the last paragraph, changed a couple of past tense verbs to present  tense (in brackets). This should leave you 50/60 words to bait the hook. 

For what it's worth I think synopsis writing is the hardest part of writing a book.


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## VickiW (Jan 28, 2013)

> _Nate build their  family home along the cannel, backing the forest, it’s the only  self-made wraparound veranda home in Chesterfield; a reputation that precedes him._



This is a very confusing sentence. apart from some obvious errors in spelling and punctuation, I don't understand what "reputation' refers to. And what is a self-made wraparound veranda? I would either scrap this sentence, or rework it. It should probably be broken into two sentences if you want to keep it in.
What I do when I have a problem like this is ask myself, which I often do, "What am I trying to say?" and state it as simply and clearly as possible.


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 10, 2013)

:albino: Hello Everyone, 

Thank you again to all those who posted comments to help me with my synopsis. I tried to take in all of your advice. I re-wrote it. I tried to condense the paragraphs as much as I can, in my eyes, all of my major plot points are written. I know that I could make it shorter, that is still something I am going to work on. For now, I think it is better. As for grammar, if you see any errors please correct them, as I need help with that. I do try to improve my grammar skills, by reading grammar web sites (online) and I have my trusted friend: _The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E.B. White _by my side. I am not the best writer, but I have focus and passion to improve.

I also changed my character’s last name, as I took the advice of a commenter, as it may been hard to pronounce for some, I want my character to have an Irish background so I was choosing an Irish surname, so I chose a different one which I think is easy to pronounce: _O’Reilly_. 

As for the location of my story, I have a fascination with Salem, Massachusetts, and wanted to parallel that type of town, so I came up with a fictional town name _Chesterfield_, but set it in Essex Country in the United States of America.

Please feel free to re-read my synopsis below, I welcome your comments, and wish to part-take more in the community here, so send me links to your stories I would like to read them. 

Have a most excellent day Dear Forum Writers.

--- Steph :watermelon:


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 10, 2013)

*Please critic my synopsis - Revised Synopsis - Draft 2- Transgression Book I*

*Revised Synopsis – Draft 2*​*
TRANSGRESSION – BOOK 1 

By 

Stephanie Lise Lamoureux*​

Married at nineteen, Poppy and Nate O’Reilly have sustained a marriage for twelve years; the result two fraternal six-year-old twins. The O’Reilly’s live in the suburban township of Chesterfield, a quaint hamlet in Essex Country. 

Nate is a burned-out construction foreman whose time with his family is minimal; when he is not drinking he is sleeping. His wife, Poppy, a part-time clerk at Bellmen’s Book Store, seeks solace in the literary world of Vampirism, masking the unhappiness in her life. She writes a popular Blog called: _Who wants to live forever? --- Vampires Do!_ This is her means to escape from reality. 

Poppy ask her dearest friend Henrietta to help her leave her husband --- to no avail does Henrietta aid her, as separation is not an option for a good Catholic family of the Immaculate Conception Church. Poppy constantly fights her melancholy as she tries to be a good mother to her children, and wife to her brewed of a husband.   

A renowned self-made monk named Hubert Silverman is invited to do a book signing at Bellman’s Book Store; he has just released his self-help book entitled: _Quantum Leaping_. Silverman convinces Poppy she can benefit by using his self-hypnotists technique. Silverman claims that Quantum Leaping through hypnotists allows a person to travel to a parallel Universe. Within that alternate reality a person can meet their Doppelganger. Conversing and interacting with them, bringing back into your present reality, their best qualities.  

Upon the fourth session, Poppy is exhausted and disillusioned, resuming her normal life, Poppy begins feeling strange and seeing frightening things. As the changes _“transformation”_ begins to intensify, Poppy is trapped between the reality she brought back with her and her present world. Hiding from her family propels events that are more destructive than Poppy could ever have imagined.

The town of Chesterfield is now faced with a new supernatural reality in their un-supernatural world, which will change their lives and faith forever. Has Poppy violated her world’s natural law? There are those who would stop such defilement at all cost. So begins her transgression. Poppy’s dark secret comes to light, shattering the truth that she is now happy, happier than she’s ever been in her life.


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 10, 2013)

A little cover art for inspiration. 
by Stephanie Lise Lamoureux


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## Deleted member 49710 (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi Stephanie, a couple things occurred to me: I think this might be more attention-grabbing if it were immediately clear who the MC is and what conflict is driving her. Like you could start with something like, "Unhappy in her marriage to an alcoholic construction worker, Poppy O'Reilly has been seeking solace in reading about vampires when she meets Hubert Silverman" etc. Her getting married young, her conversation with Henrietta, things like this don't seem like what I need to know immediately in order to understand the story. Better to spend more time explaining this Doppelganger thing, which is the part that sounds interesting, and why she becomes exhausted and disillusioned. Which, by the way, conflicts with your final sentence that she's now happy.

The sentence "So begins her transgression" in the final paragraph doesn't make sense, it seems like her transgression began back in the fourth paragraph.

And a note on the setting: I've never heard of "Essex Country," don't have any idea where that is. From your post above I gather you might mean somewhere in Massachusetts. Something like "a suburb of [large city]" or "[western/northern/whatever] Massachusetts" would be much clearer. I'm not sure what the importance of the setting is to your plot, but from what I see here, I'd just mention the location in passing and then concentrate on people and events.


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 10, 2013)

Much appreciated your thoughts and comment. I’m here to learn from others. I’m going to edit the synopsis again, as I am narrowing down the main points. Sometimes as a writer I write based on what I know and forget that others don’t know the same concept, like “Essex Country”. Which yes is not as important, to describe in the synopsis, because I made the point of saying it was a suburban town. Reading back I should not have said my main character was happy (at the end), because that is a contradiction, in my mind it meant something else, but again, I have to write for an audience not myself. Wow, lots of great thoughts, thank you lasm, for your informative comment.    

---- Happy Writing :watermelon:


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## Angelicpersona (Feb 11, 2013)

Hi Steph! Reading over your last synopsis it seems to me that you might need to change some of the punctuation to make it a bit more readable. I'm not entirely sure if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, but I used to edit fanfiction for years and punctuation errors kind of make my fingers twitch lol. If it's not right, someone please let me know!
Anyways, for instance:
"sustained a marriage for twelve years with the result being two fraternal six-year-old twins." or
"sustained a marriage for twelve years. The result - two fraternal six-year-old twins."
Also "Book Store. He has just released his self-help book: _Quantum Leaping._"
"Conversing and interacting with them, bringing back into your present reality their best qualities."
"disillusioned. Resuming her normal life"

There's also a few spelling errors I spotted reading through. Honestly, I don't think the last sentence about her being happy is all that out of place. To me, it means she's happy being with whatever secrets she brought back with her but when they're found out it harms her even more. Though it could probably be worded a bit differently to make more sense but I'm too tired right now to figure out how, lol


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 15, 2013)

Angelicpersona said:


> Hi Steph! Reading over your last synopsis it seems to me that you might need to change some of the punctuation to make it a bit more readable. I'm not entirely sure if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, but I used to edit fanfiction for years and punctuation errors kind of make my fingers twitch lol. If it's not right, someone please let me know!
> Anyways, for instance:
> "sustained a marriage for twelve years with the result being two fraternal six-year-old twins." or
> "sustained a marriage for twelve years. The result - two fraternal six-year-old twins."
> ...



I very much appreciate you taking the time to help me with my punctuation. Grammar and spelling, I am average at it, and I do try to improve as best I can. Ideally if this works, an editor would be my best friend. I am going to work on Draft 3 and strive to make it better. Thank you very much for your examples.


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 16, 2013)

Some more Cover Art for my Novel [This is only for example]


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## Stephanie1980 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hello Everyone, 

First I wish to express a *big thank *you to those individuals who took the time to reply to my thread, your advice has helped me a lot. Below is my third draft to my synopsis, and I feel it is as condensed as it can be. I don’t wish to make it shorter, unless I have too, when I submit it to an agent or publisher. If anyone sees grammar, spelling or punctuation errors, please point them out to me. I do welcome advice on if my paragraphs make sense and the story reads clearly. I’ve learnt that too much detail is not necessary, and making your points clear very important. Again, I appreciate your thoughts, please let me know what you all think, and stay tuned to my sample chapters for my Trilogy novel: Transgression.  

************************************

*Revised Synopsis – Draft 3*

Unhappy in her marriage to an alcoholic construction worker, Poppy O’Reilly has cut herself off from everything except working at Bellman’s Book Store, and raising her two fraternal six-year-old twins.  

Her only means to escape from reality is to write her popular Blog called: _Who wants to live forever? --- Vampires Do!_ She seeks solace in the literary world of Vampirism.  

But her failed attempts to leave her husband and the pressure from her Church to quit writing, has left Poppy exhausted and disillusioned. 

She meets Hubert Silverman, a therapist specializing in metaphysics. Upon the release of his new book: _Parallel Tunneling_, Silverman convinces Poppy that she can meet her Doppelganger within a parallel universe, using hypnosis.  

After completing her session, Poppy begins seeing strange and frightening things: pulsing veins, beating hearts, and the smell of blood. Premonitions of transforming into something, she’s sure, cannot be true. 

Poppy remembers when she met her Doppelganger, how she gave her a gift. A gift, Poppy was sure, was only the fragments of a dream. 

Her town of Chesterfield is now faced with a new supernatural reality in their un-supernatural world. Hiding from her family propels events that are more destructive than Poppy could ever have imagined. Has Poppy violated her world’s most natural law? There is a secret society that would stop such defilement, at all cost. 

The supernatural dangers of Poppy’s new world will test everything she thought she knew about herself and her faith.


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## moderan (Mar 16, 2013)

Stephanie1980 said:


> *Revised Synopsis – Draft 3*
> 
> Unhappy in her marriage to an alcoholic construction worker, Poppy O’Reilly has cut herself off from everything except working at Bellman’s Book Store, and raising her two fraternal six-year-old twins.
> 
> ...



That's still really choppy and offers way too much extraneous information.

Try something like this:


> Unhappy  in her marriage, Poppy O’Reilly has  cut herself off from everything except working and raising her children.
> Her only means of escape from reality is in blogging about vampirism. She seeks solace in that literary world.
> But  her failed attempts to leave her husband and the pressure from her  Church to quit writing have left Poppy exhausted and disillusioned.
> She meets Hubert Silverman, a therapist specializing in metaphysics. Silverman convinces Poppy that she can meet her Doppelganger within a parallel universe, using hypnosis.
> ...


Imo you still need some filler here. The hook is the "new supernatural reality". I took out the bit about natural law-that needs explaining, and the bit about defilement needs explaining. Not at length, just something to hang it on. Otherwise just say that Poppy has run afoul of a dangerous secret society and leave it at that.
I'd have to say that this is a mundane attempt at a neckbiter novel. But that's your business. This is just an attempt to help you improve the pitch.


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