# April 2014 - LM - A Children's Story - Scores



## Fin

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
A Children’s Story


 A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Pluralized, Gavrushka, thepancreas11 and spartan928 for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Pluralized**Gavrushka**thepancreas11**spartan928**Average**garza*1817121816.25*Pluralized*N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*Stormageddon*1715.5151615.87*Cosmictide*1414151213.75*Candervalle*1715161616*dvspec*1616.5131615.37*"Sixteen" by thepancreas11 *N/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*Astroannie*1615191616.5*Trygve*1715.5151515.62*Shinyford*1918.5201718.62*Arcopitcairn*1916181617.25*InstituteMan*1714181516*Pennywise*1514.5111213.12* J Anfinson*1616171816.75*Godofwine*1714131615* ChristinaH*1315.5121413.62*Dave Watson*1817.5181918.12*danielstj*1914.5161415.87

In first place, congratulations to *shinyford* with his entry *The Nuffin Puffin.*
In second, we have *Dave Watson* with his entry *The Wee Man.*
In third place we have *Arcopitcairn* with his entry *Fingler J. McKreebus Jr. and the Bad Man.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

It was a real pleasure to have the opportunity to read and review all these wonderful entries. 


*Garza
“A Cautionary Tale for Children”
Score: 18*

Found this to be an amazing, competently-written, and thought-provoking piece. Tone and Voice are accurate enough for a children’s tale, but maybe in some cases a smidgen too erudite.

At the outset I was hoping for some kind of parable, but in the end I suppose it’s a tale of oligarchic subterfuge. Either way I enjoyed it and thought it was a fantastic piece. Nice work generating such structure with so few words. 

I especially enjoyed this bit:

*'Jack London is dead.'*

*'Not really. Not so long as people read his books. He's one of my favourite writers. I want to be a writer.'*

The only things that I didn’t like were the distance from the character (narrator) whose persona was very sterile (intentionally, of course) and face-less. A brief mention of whether it’s a grotesque old headmaster or a female principal or whatever, that would’ve tightened the focus a bit which seemed warranted. Also the lack of attributions throughout is both a masterful use of dialogue and a bit of a hinderance at the same time. Chalk it up to my own shortcomings, I suppose, so there’s not too many points to dock there. 

Happy to have had the chance to read and comment on this story. Thanks for entering.


*Plurps*
*Judge’s Entry*
*N/A*
Jedge’s Antry


*Stormageddon*
*“The Chicken Struck Back”*
*Score: 17*

This was a really well-written and engaging story. Loved the characterization of Darmody the Chicken and his underdog rationale. 

Something I notice in reading through some of these entries, is that the subject matter is child-centric, but the prose is not. In this particular story, I’d dare say the voice is far too verbose and vocab-heavy. The prompt can be interpreted any way you please, but writing a story about chickens that is meant to be a child’s tale might benefit from a simplified style. Just my opinion. You’ve done well when we start picking on these kinds of things.

Overall, I really enjoyed the ending, felt like it was a fully understandable read. Didn’t quite think the term ‘maelstrom’ would get the image across, but it was unexpected to have fire coming out of the little guy and that twist alone is worthy. Nice job.

tug of war >>> tug-of-war (I’m pretty sure…) Pretty clean writing here.


*Cosmictide*
*“The Foxes”*
*Score: 14*

I must commend you for a couple of things right off the bat: This piece shows a ton of effort and consideration in word choices and imagery. Several points, like the ghost simile beneath the spiraling city, took me places. Very poetic. 

Problems exist throughout this piece, however. There’s a lot of purple prose going on. Lots of places where the imagery or the action gets lost in the jumbled of adjectives and awkward phrasing. Way too many commas, too. Seems like this piece would really benefit from being read out loud to see how it flows. Also, remove all the commas and see if you can put them back based on how it sounds. I bet you’d strip out more than half of them and be left with a much clearer story.

One last thing – in some of the long, rambling sentences, it is very hard to pick up on what the subject of the sentence is, and therefore hard as heck to understand. For example: *The child - for no other would give into their curiosity - held its breath as, like always when the last of the cars reteated into their respective houses, the rivers were punctuated with red creatures. *Starting to dissect this sentence, I’m wondering what I’m being told. The child held its breath, then we have the cars, houses, rivers, red creatures… too many nouns fighting for attention. Confusing. 
Also ‘reteated’ might be a surgery on a cow. 

I hate to bring you negative comments, but I had a real hard time with this one. Maybe clearing up the prose, naming some of the characters instead of just using pronouns like “they.” Seems like you’re trying to write in a very detached, non-humanistic way, so as to bring attention to the foxes, sort of like that pig movie, “Babe.” It might just work, but I think the writing itself calls attention to itself too much as it stands. 

Glad you entered – keep trying and I promise there’s no better way to improve your writing of flash. Thanks!


*Candervalle*
*“The People’s Baron”*
*Score: 17*

Tintin meets Dune. A strange mix, the baron and ol’ Haddock. I like the dynamic, and I like the sort of dark, mysterious tone this piece has. I got confused a little bit over the intro, as I thought Haddock was already in the room and then you say in the following paragraph that the baron was doing pushups when Haddock came in…

I keep wanting to capitalize “Baron” for some reason. That, coupled with the stiff prose, made it hard to believe this used the prompt at all, until that final line. Seems like it was tacked on, but it happens.

There are many tasty turns of phrase in this piece, like “What is dancing upon your mind.”

Thanks for entering – I enjoyed this story.


*dvspec*
*Untitled*
*Score: 16*

Nice work here – and competently written. Enjoyed the sense of security you impart with the kid’s POV. Somehow at the beginning, though, it’s like we’re zooming in on the scene with ‘he was in his recliner’ but then we discover the narrator’s there, too. I think I wanted to read it “We were there in his recliner, …” but I’m probably just picking for stuff.

I don't know where Mom or my older brother,Will, was that night. Space between comma and Will, and I think ‘were’ would be the correct usage after describing a plurality of subjects. 

There are important things left out of this, I think, which are summarized too much for me. Like the end of the movie, and origin of the term SEAL. Therefore, the ending falls sort of flat, but I still found it somewhat endearing to the narrator. Nice job.


*Anonymous*
*“Sixteen”
Judge Entry*


Superb tone and voice, in this piece. I think you’ve nailed the proper age ‘feel’ here, at least for me, although the whole thing seemed pretty melodramatic to me.

Not a whole lot of plot movement, other than this sort of ‘oh crap what’re we gonna do’ moment, then this young guy’s forlorn shower scene – I wanted a bit more in terms of who these people were, what a baby would change for them – not just that they were ‘too young’ but that it would take away hopes and dreams to be saddled with a baby after a quick and lusty romp in the sack.

*“Your parents don’t even need to know,” she said too. “No one ever has to know.”  - *Not sure I get the ‘too’ here.

*He wonders what his father would have said to him*. – Just a minor thing, but sometimes contractions are your friend – ‘would’ve’ flows off the tongue better, in my opinion.

Nice work here – I thought you did a great job with dialogue and overall atmospheric theme. Nice job with the prompt, too – I like it.


*Astroannie*
*“A Letter to Eleanor”*
*Score: 16*

Effective piece here. I like the letter from the future, because there’s always a quick suspension of disbelief by its very nature. Something fun and morbid about the whole thing, which I liked. 

Only things I didn’t like were the opening to the third paragraph, which is kind of verbose and cluttery, and the use of ‘keening howl’ which might be a bit over the top for me. She ‘makes a keening howl.’ Maybe if the howl was heard, and it was just implied that the poor rabbit made the noise. But that’s minor. 

I didn’t count the words, but I’m sure there are many more that could have been used here. Still, I enjoyed the premise and it’s a unique take on the prompt. Nice job. 


*Trygve*
*“Sirens”*
*Score: 17*

Wow – this was a depraved and excellent read. Dude really got his ass handed to him, didn’t’ he!

I like what you’ve done here, mostly because it’s so damn well-written. Nice job and really solid use of the English Language. Great descriptions. Really strong.

Didn’t get much prompt-flavor in this one. Children’s Story. Seems a stretch to claim this was written to the prompt.

Not much I didn’t like, overall.

*a beacon luring the innocent to her lair. – *Yep. Got that from the implication that this story is about Sirens. This passage is a tell, and a grotesque one at that.

*So he knew how they lured men. – *The story demonstrated all this superior intellect and a storyteller’s acumen, then served up a few things that flop me in the face like a wet fish. Like being at Sea-World and the dolphin jumps up and slaps you in the face with his dolphin-bits.

*He would have to snatch it and then reverse direction to burst through the patio door* – Mmmm hmmm, he sure would. But you don’t have to tell me all that. 

Great work here – I really enjoyed. I wish instead of busting up his leg in the fall, he’d have been fellated or somehow whisked away by the Sirens. Could have finished this out beautifully and blissfully, I think, and left us with a bit of enigmatic wonderment.


* Shinyford*
*“The Nuffin Puffin”*
*Score: 19*

You have a gift for the verbiage. “Nuffin Puffin,” indeed. There’s something so poetic at work here, and truly a children’s story. One of the only stories this go-round to embrace children’s prose, which was really refreshing and made me smile. 

Really solid work, inspired and creative. I loved this. You didn’t even use all the words, and did such good work with the characters. Dialogue is strong. The back and forth is solid. No real questions otherwise in this piece. Great work. 

Only nit I could find:

*“Corn hakes, please,” replied the Nuffin Puffin. – *I reckon you meant “Corn cakes?”

Great job, and thank you for being a part of this. Your story made me happy.


* Arcopitcairn*
*“Fingler J. McKreebus, Jr. and the Bad Man*
*Score: 19*

What a wonderful, twisted little tale. Unique, sort of disturbing, but a brilliantly-told story. I like the little details, like God’s throne of skulls and the fat kid’s bounce through the woods. What you’ve managed to do here is both tell a children’s story and make it depraved enough that I’d never think a child would read it. So it’s like a children’s story just designed for us adults to salivate over. 

Loved your names. Very inventive, and the story has a nice balance of POV, dialogue, and description. Clean, strong writing. Maybe one or two too many adjectives but with what you’re trying to do in such a short word count, I think it all works together nicely. To poison the bad man, then all those crappy-ass classmates, makes for a delicious finish. Not sure a kid who’s eight will necessarily have a love-thing going for teacher, but what the hell – it adds to the funk. 

Very well done, and just my flavor. 


* InstituteMan*
*“Pizza Pis”*
*Score: 17*

Clever, nerdy, but fun. I was right with you, all the way through. Nice use of the prompt, great explanation of the math behind the whole thing, and for a puzzler, a fun story. Not sure it’s for everyone. The dialogue and the use of a round pizza as a device for explaining the concept of pi, really show your skill. Great job. 

Only thing I might’ve wanted was a little more conflict, like maybe she’s got somebody racing her to figure the thing out or something. It was pretty easy, just figure out the math, but no real opportunity for tension exists as it stands. But hey – sometimes you just gotta write a math story and this is about as clean and refreshing as one can be, so I think it succeeds. 


* Pennywise*
*“Pompi”*
*Score: 15*

A lot of emotional content wrapped up in a short space. Well done. A bit rough around the edges but mostly good dialogue and some decent characterization for the word count. Pompi’s coming! It’s kind of sad, but uplifting at the same time. I really like how listening to Colleen is “Like a children’s story.” 

Thanks for entering. 


 * J Anfinson*
*“Guardians”*
*Score: 16*

Hmmm. A complete and fast-moving story. It’s pretty well done, but some of the dialogue didn’t seem to keep with the rest of the voice. 

*Ted felt the boy’s arms squeeze around his chest tighter for a moment, and the boy mumbled something in his sleep.* Some tightening needed throughout the piece, and this is a good example of a sentence wanting narrative concision. Naming the subject twice is a waste of words, see. 

*The monster laughed, a terrifying, booming giggle. *There’s just a sense of discordance in this story, like this passage. Not that monster stories need to be believable, but sometimes a bungled description of something can detract. 

I like how this story maintains a fluidity, and you’ve had a playful time with the bears. Where they came from is a bit on the magical side, so I’m left wondering why the single bear didn’t just whip out an AK or something, if you’re going down this road of easy resolution. 

The monster goes away in sort of a ***poof** *and he’s gone. Makes for far less tension, which I think this story could use a bit more of. Like maybe we get too much information right out of the gate and it would’ve been more fun to not know things. Like the bear credo, the fact that Ted’s a bear, etc. 

Pank is a hell of a lot more diplomatic, so it’ll be interesting to see his take on this one. Good to see you entering, at any rate – your stories are always fun to read and even more fun to overanalyze. 


* Godofwine*
*“The Carcass”*
*Score: 17*

Good dialogue and pacing, with some very well-done descriptions. I didn’t quite get the beast at the end’s appearance, but it was suitably freaky. I thought you had a nice balance going, but the last two paragraphs came on a bit quick and strong.

The story was pretty cool, sort of like “Stand by Me” for horror-junkies. I like it. Some explanation for the docked points: Unnecessary description of stuff that doesn’t move the story forward, and a few awkwardly-constructed sentences. Also you poked me in the eye with ‘children’s story’ when it went without saying. 

An example of what I consider to be an awkward construction:

*“Come on, you yucks,” he barked at the three twelve year-old boys meandering up the steep East Cleveland street Burnette. “I ain’t got all day.” *I’m not a big fan of telling people how to write their stories, as you’re the one driving the boat. However, I think when you try to put that bit about the steep street in between this dialogue, it jams up the pacing and reads weird. Would’ve enjoyed something like: 

*The three twelve year-old boys meandered up East Cleveland’s Burnette Street. “Come on, you yucks,” Gordon barked. “I ain’t got all day.”*

Then you launch into the bit about the Newport from here, and I think have a more soundly-built intro to the story. 

I think a tiny bit more subtle foreshadowing could have helped, as well. Overall a good story and pretty well written. Thanks for entering.


* ChristinaH*
*Untitled*
*Score: 13*

It’s like you’re hiding in my house, listening to my daughter’s conversations! I’m probably a little burnt-out on Frozen right now, but I’m trying not to let that color my perception of this story.  

So, it’s pretty much all dialogue, which keeps the story from establishing any sense of plot or character or ‘story.’ The doorbell rings and then this rapid back-and-forth thing, and we’re done. Not a bad ending line, as it wrings a wee bit of empathy out, but not nearly enough. 

Not a bad first effort for the LM though – hope you’ll enter again.


* Dave Watson*
*“The Wee Man”*
*Score: 18*

Ha! This was a really fun read, and a wonderful take on the prompt. Loved it. You’re fighting the obvious thought we’re all having as we read this, like _‘tell the little bastard we’re ready Sammy Salami, to hell with these monster tales!’ _but there’s a gleeful time just enjoying the buildup and fantastic payoff at the end. A bit more twist and you’d have had another point.

If I’m looking for stuff to pick on you for, it’s tough because this is a clean piece. I think the stuttering is overwrought, I suppose, and this thing:

*a chill scuttling prickling the skin of my back*

That’s all I got. Nice work!


* danielstj*
*“Fly, Fly Bluebird”*
*Score: 19*

Wow, I really liked this. This story has managed to include some rather high-level characterization and other robust technique for such a short word count. I think it’s really good. The simile about the sunset-eyes came across weird at first, but on my second read it kind of worked for me. 

One or two places that I stumbled, like ‘prettiness’ of the horizon, but nothing egregious. 

Fairly literary, well modulated, and worthy of high marks. Excellent job here. Hope you’ll enter again.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Gavrushka’s scores]

_*Garza*_*
“A Cautionary Tale for Children"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:17*_

I felt so damned frustrated for the poor mite, and so bloody angry at teacher and headmaster. – It’s exceptionally well written, clear and entirely related in dialogue. _

_Some readers may have hoped for a more fulfilling conclusion and, although it is complete, I wish you could have used the spare eleven words you had to visit death and destruction upon the vile antagonists! _

_Well done, it was a delight to read._

__ 
_
[*]*Pluralized*_*
“Friccasseed Fourth-Grader"
Spelling/Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -
Overall:*_

There’s something sinister about that Pluralized chap. Wherever the darkness upon your soul sprouts from, I suggest you nurture it!_

_I love the rambling unusual voiced narration that wanders through the story and, although the manner is easy, the words grip like a vice and hold you there until the inevitable *wack* in the tail of the tale. _

_Expertly done once again.

__
[*]*stormageddon*_*
“The Chicken Struck Back"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15.5*_

Yay! At last a children’s story, and a damned decent one at that. – I did enjoy the moralistic slant, and humorous conclusion. – Although intended for a younger audience, such stories have a broad appeal._

_In the main, it is well written, but at times there were an unnecessary word or two that effected the readability. – _



> in misery and in isolation.


 
I’d have preferred the second ‘in’ removed.

‘It was not until... that’ can often be replaced with a single word. – Just something to bear in mind.

I really did enjoy this, and I know plenty of kids would too.


__ 
_
[*]*cosmictide*_*
“The Foxes"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14*_

An interesting story, filled with imagery. – You’ve a good style and, refined, I think it could make for some very enjoyable storytelling_

_The grammar was a little below par, and the feeling perhaps a little too grey at times. – I appreciate that there was a sombreness to the writing, but it did make it a little less than easy to read and some heavy sentences felt difficult to juggle._

_I wish you’d given the sexless child a gender so you didn’t need to refer to them as ‘they’ all the time. – I could see no reason not to._

_I look forward to your next entry._

___
[*]*Candervalle*_*
“The People’s Baron"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15*_

Well, this was a joy to read. Just calling the guy Haddock set it off on the right foot. – You’re a good storyteller._

_One thing that baked my head was paragraphs full of opposing speech... – New speaker, new paragraph would have made it far easier. – It may have aided readability if you’d given ‘the baron’ a secondary title in Haddock’s eyes, like ‘his master’ as the title was repetitive on an occasion or two._

_A baron rarely became sick *in those days *– The ‘in those days’ made me feel all irrationally angry, as it didn’t seem to fit._

_Oh and there was a ‘you’ instead of a ‘your’ in the last paragraph._



___
[*]*dvspec*_*
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*_

A delightful and engaging story told from the perspective of the small child. – It has the air of something that really happened about it, but it in no way detracted from my enjoyment._

_I think is has a great flow and balance about it, but I felt the conclusion could have been a little tighter. I appreciate the intent of the conclusion, but it did fizzle a bit in contrast to the sparkle of the rest._

___
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“Sixteen"
Judge Entry*_

Powerful. It captures the mood, the emotions ever so well, and it does feel like it’s a sixteen-year-old’s thought processes. – Perhaps a slightly wiser than average one._

_What a great conclusion... Yes, the wisdom is strong in this young man._

_There was a grammar oops with ‘as his own arms’ rather than ‘at’. _

_The other slight issue was the unwelcome cadence the repeated ‘He’ pronoun brought. – It may have been intentional, but it did affect my enjoyment, and reduced the impact of the piece.

__
[*]*astronannie*_*
“A Letter to Eleanor"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall:15*_

The variety of entries in this competition never cease to amaze me, and this is a good example. – It’s a creative angle I doubt very many could have considered._

_Although I did enjoy this, I didn’t feel fulfilled. – It felt like it was a paragraph or two short. Where I thought words had been reserved to build towards a crescendo, I did feel it spluttered a bit._

___
[*]*Trygve*_*
“Sirens"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall: 15.5*_

It was interesting to read the story from the sociopath’s perspective, along with his justifications and the hint of why he’d ended up where he was. – The prompt use felt a little contrived to me, but I let it slide._

_It felt well paced, and you did not know how it would conclude until you reached the end... I have to say the penultimate sentence was a bit of a monster, but the ambiguity of the final one was clever enough to make up for it. _

_I’d thought that collarbone is all one word - and the same with clamshell – at least in the UK I believe it is._



___
[*]*Shinyford*_*
“The Nuffin Puffin"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall:18.5*_
I daresay it would be difficult for anyone not to smile after reading this. – The repetitive cadence of the nuffins leads you through a delightful story._

_What more can I say; I think it’s bloody marvellous!

__
[*]*Arcopitcairn*_*
“Fingler J. McKreebus Jr. and the Bad Man"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16*_

A good story, well told, well paced and with an unexpected ending. – Superb imagery from a skilled writer._

_The two characters felt well fleshed out, (One more so than the other *snickers*) and the dialogue was a delight. –I look forward to reading more from you._

_The God references felt a little unusual, almost personal._

___
[*]*InstituteMan*_*
“Pizza Pis"
Spelling/Grammar:3.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14*_

A pleasant enough story, with a smile to greet you at the end. – The title, on reflection, was clever too. – I’d thought that phrase was a regional thing in the UK, but now stand corrected._

_I think you’ve overused ‘Sue’ rather than swapping for a pronoun on occasion. – It was a little bit of a judder when the word came up repeatedly._

_There were a couple of occasions too that I felt sentences could have been joined, and avoided repeated references..._



> She pulled out her father’s pizza pans of different sizes. She laid the pans on the counter and started cutting stacks of pepperoni slices into 1 cm squares.


 
_She pulled out her father’s pizza pans of different sizes, laid them on the counter and cut stacks of pepperoni slices into 1 cm squares._

_Still, I think this was a good, imaginative and enjoyable attempt.

__
[*]*Pennywise*_*
“Pompi"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 8
Overall:14.5*


_Quite a poignant story and well told. I’m glad to you entered._

_In places, the grammar was a little lax. If you wish me to give a detailed report on that, just ask._

_The lucid line, Colleen spoke to Monty, was powerful and unexpected and was the making of the piece._

_ Now, how I wish I were over there in India now, watching the IPL. – Best limited overs cricket in the world!

_ 
_
[*]*J Anfinson*_*
“Guardians"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16*_
I did enjoy this. – As a child, it’d have scared the pants off me... Give me a gangly wardrobe monster over an army of bears any day. _



> “You shall not pass,” Ted replied.


 
_Bloody Hell, it’s a Balrog. Where’s Gandalf when you need him? _

_It felt like one line would have been better with a ‘he had’, but I think it was okay. – I didn’t consider it a mistake, but it felt strange to me:_

*By the time done so, he could see eyes looking out from the cracked closet door.*


_I liked the concluding line, reinforcing the solitary bear’s earlier assertion.
__
[*]*godofwine*_*
“The Carcass"
Spelling/Grammar:3 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14*_

I assume you had permission to edit your entry outside of the grace period, so I’ll score it._

_It’s not a bad story, and I think you made more than reasonable use of dialogue, so well done on that!_

_In the first line, I couldn’t get it out of my head that it was the smoke dangling from his lip rather than the cigarette... Made me smile._

_Now there are a couple of occasions here where the words don’t fit together, and I hope you see what I mean when I point them out..._

_1: Percy shot a long glance.  Glances tend to be brief affairs, and any longer I feel should come under the jurisdiction of ‘staring’_

_2:_ _overhanging canopy above.  – I think I knew the overhead canopy was above them, so I’d have dropped the final word._

_At the end, when the pace should have been electrifying, you used some long sentences, and it slowed my read down as I assembled what you were saying. My preference, but I feel such action should be in punchy short bursts._

_Still, as ever with you, it was a more than reasonable story._

_ 
__
[*]*ChristinaH*_*
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15.5*_

Another one edited outside the ten minute grace period, but again I will let it slide._

_This is a delightful light and moralistic tale told from the perspective of a child, and told very well._

_When there is no reasonable chance of ambiguity, you don’t need to rename a noun. – At the end of the opening paragraph ‘So I open it,’ would have worked better._

_I’d have noticed your use of an adverb in speech (she smiled evilly) but I am not sure if it is such an issue in children’s stories. (Some may argue the opposite!)_

_I did enjoy the message contained in the last line. Quite a thought provoking story, which I enjoyed immensely._

___ 
[*]*D.A. Watson*_*
“The Wee Man"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9
Overall:17.5*_

For the love of God, I had to pull my feet up from beneath the table to read this... Damned toes have retreated as far as my ankles._

_I think you’ve caught the dread contagion that afflicts Pluralized, or perhaps it’s the other way round, for such tales can only be the result of a troubled childhood punctuated by an armada of psychotic episodes._

_The story works. It builds, and hits you with shocks where you least expect them, leaving you on tenterhooks awaiting the next broadside. _



> _a chill scuttling prickling the skin of my back_




_Was there something missing here, or did you edit and leave an orphaned word?_

_A great story by an author who I feel is destined to write many such great stories.
_ 
_
[*]*danielstj*_*
“Fly, Fly Bluebird"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14.5*_

A third one edited outside the grace period! – Have the rules changed, and I’d not picked up on it?_

_It was an interesting style from a first time entrant and, refined, could work very well._

_Your language did form quite a comprehensive picture, and for that you must be applauded._

_I’m not quite sure how bark rumbles... Certainly formed an unusual image for me._

_Twice you hyphenated mid-word (tiptoed and newfound). I don’t know if that is because Canadian-English is different. (Google picks up newfound as an oops, and I did not mark you down on either of these.)_

_The ‘It was his mother...’ sentence in the third paragraph had three parenthetic clauses in it, and brought an unwelcome cadence to it._

_Still, this is not a bad first attempt. You’re a storyteller, for sure!


_


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=thepancreas11’s scores]

*garza
A Cautionary Tale for Children
Overall: 12
*


I admire your ambition here. To write a story without any description, based solely on dialogue takes a certain kind of mind. The fact that I could follow it as well as I could is testament to your skill as a writer. There is also a remarkable amount of character development with our only active sense being sound. I say cheers to your dialogue.

However, this really didn’t play out for me the way I think you wanted it to. The first “chapter” really didn’t do much for me. You spent a lot of it setting up the scene and not really establishing the relationship between the characters, so much so, that I had no idea how they were tied to one another until the last exchange of the chapter. I think it missed the mark with me.

Good job, but it’s just not my cup of tea, I think.


*Pluralized
Fricasseed
Overall: N/A
*

My skin crawls when I read some of this stuff. I’m not sure what that barbeque pit is for, but I’m seriously hoping it’s not for poor little Tommy.

Plur, you’ve got a skill when it comes to setting up thrillers that really dig into the reader. Who hasn’t had that scary house down the street? Who hasn’t been accosted by some strange old guy?

I can see where you struggle with the word limit though. You’ve tried to put in a snippet from each of the players, trying to do a mini-Rashomon kind of thing here, and it almost works. Unfortunately, they’re all a bit too shallow to really grab me. I’m not really getting into the motivations of the characters or the emotions that follow their motivations. Tommy’s mom’s dialogue isn’t quite where it could be, for instance. The part about the pit isn’t quite explained. It feels like a hundred more words, and you’d have done something really special.


*stormageddon
The Chicken Struck Back
Overall: 15
*


As you already know, I’m a huge fan of anthropomorphism. There’s just some special power you have as an author when you’re speaking through personified animals. This is more in the vein I was expecting from the theme, and I really did enjoy it. Could use a bit of sprucing up, but it has all the needed elements: character development, theme, resolution.

What’s it’s missing is a bit of transition. Each chunk kind of happens independent of the others. “And then he did” just isn’t enough of a segue, really. You lack consistent flow. It feels unpolished. Plus, the cockerel taught him to breathe fire? Strange ending for me. I’m not sure I would have ended it quite that way myself.

Good story though.


*cosmictide
The Foxes
Overall: 15
*


For a first-time entry, you’re really getting the hang of this. It’s not easy to fit a resolution into 650 words, but you’ve done well there. I feel resolved, a sense of closure reading this, even though I have no idea what just happened.

I think you’re trying to produce an air of mystery, but really, there’s so little in the level of detail that it’s an air of “huh?”. I’m not sure you got exactly what you were looking for with me. while the prose is well written and certainly descriptive (yet not over-complicated), there isn’t enough cause to this effect. What does it all mean? Why is it all happening? What do these creatures look like that the people have locked themselves inside. Also, the beginning metaphor about the sky made everything run together for me. You might want to look that over.

Good start. Plenty of upside here.


*Candervalle
The People’s Baron
Overall: 16
*


Take that, Robin Hood! The rich barren steals from himself!

I try to make a habit of rewarding creativity when I find it in the forums, judging most of all. I thought this was one of the best ideas for a story out there. You might want to talk to A_Jones about making backwards fairy tales because between the two of you and your prowess, you’ve almost got me inspired to do the same. What a dashing, poignant story you’ve written here.

I docked you points because there were some editing mistakes that occasionally tripped me up. Going forward, just make sure you read it through a little more carefully so as to do yourself justice.

Also, Haddock wasn’t much of a presence, which I think you were going for, but left me kid of meh about him as the narrator. He started off so strong, but then, you kind of left him hanging. His motivations are really just not explored deeply enough for me.


*astroannie
A Letter to Eleanor
Overall: 19
*


Bold choice. Have to commend everyone here really for being so aggressive with the style modification. Astro, I particularly found yours appealing. Who knew you could make a horror story out of a letter? It’s got plot, it’s got theme, it’s got character development. It’s even got a twist. How you managed to put all that into one measly letter kind of baffles me.

To me, it’s marketable elsewhere, perhaps even publishable? To do that though, I’d be careful about this Stacy business. You seem to lose track when you wander in to her realm. The whole thing about the color purple just doesn’t really move the story along for me. You might want to consider talking about some secretive ritual or something that young Stacy put her through. That’ll be more constructive to the story, I think.

Wow, though. Really, it’s great.


*dvspec
Untitled
Overall: 13
*


That’s a very relatable story you’ve got there, dv. The sentimentality really permeates through from start to finish, almost like you’ve got some experience with nurturing parents yourself (be you do!). I can remember some nights wondering what I would think looking back on my life, seeing the strength in the eyes of my elders.

It doesn’t really have a lot of continuity though. You mention him being killed, kind of a big deal, and you don’t ever really explore it. Why talk about it at all if you’re going to leave it hanging? That really ruined the story for me. I got to the end expecting some explanation, but there was none. It felt like you were just going for a shock and awe kind of things which felt completely out of place.

You could definitely fix this very easily. In fact, I’d love to see you take this to the Workshop!


*Trygve
Sirens
Overall: 15
*


If I had gotten a better picture of reality straight out of the gate, and if the ending had been a little more literal and not so much resembling a jerky camera if a jerky camera could write, would have given this an awesome score. Original idea, sooooo creepy (the real theme of this month’s competition), and definitely insightful into the mind of the wicked and sick. The meat, the real big middle chunk, does you the justice that I wish was reflected in either beginning or end. The way his mind thinks, the way he lingers there with her, it’s just….yeash…definitely got my motor running (in the opposite direction).

It took a little to get to that point though, and in 650 words, it took too long, in my opinion. You spent a little too much time with the setup, with telling and not showing. Also, the end was a little—_wonky_—for lack of a better word. There’s so much action happening, but it doesn’t quite all fit. Out of nowhere comes a tropical plant and a volcanic rock and why exactly is he in a three point stance?

So close to being something awesome. Good in any case.


*shinyford
Nuffin Puffin
Overall: 20
*


Surprisingly, you are one of the only authors on here that made a strong attempt at writing an actual children’s story.

And it worked. Boy did I love this. I know it must be insanely difficult to write in such simple prose but to simultaneously convey a deeper, more complex meaning, a moral, if you will. As short and as simple as this was, it was certainly enjoyable, perhaps my favorite read of the bunch. I never had trouble getting through the words, not would a six year old, I think. As difficult a task as was set before you, equal was the strength of the writer in this case.

My only criticisms (there are two): repetition and “said”. Watch how you say the word “said” (things like “smiled”) which 1) don’t actually demonstrate a way of speaking or 2) aren’t the word “said” (for the most part it is always better to use said). And that middle part, about the third day, or the second day, well, it was starting to get a little dreary with the same thing over and over again. Maybe only two days are necessary?

Spectacular shiny. Man was that a breath of fresh air.


*Arcopitcairn
Fingler J. McKreebus Jr. and the Bad Man
Overall: 18
*


Nonsensical, whimsical, enjoyable to read…all until the poison part. Then, things get a little icky. Love the character names, the dialogue the way you’ve voice Sick Snide, the interjections from God who didn’t really figure in until the poisoning. Even the descriptions, though lengthy, go lightly by, each a pleasure to behold, each brining something other than appearance to the table, really. It’s the simple things about this piece that make it so wonderful; that it is straightforward without being narrow-minded.

The end really took a nosedive for me. All that wonderful prose kind of petered out once you’d deliver your punchline of sorts. It almost felt like the weight of writing was off your shoulders, and you wanted to get it done with quickly, or perhaps that you were wondering where you might save words as I often do in this particular competition. Liked that he poisoned everyone, but the tone changed and the writing changed, and it all just didn’t add up to the first part for me.

Really liked this story. Wish it had finished up the way it started.


*InstituteMan
Pizza Pis
Overall: 18
*


It wasn’t the strongest written piece in terms of prose that I saw in the competition, but this was one of the most near and dear to my heart, IM. My mom is a math teacher, as is my brother, and they would both love to be able to tell this story to their classes.

The reason I took off points was that the rhythm seemed to be off, obstructed by clunky sentences where Sue or pizza was repeated several times. It didn’t quite have the zing to it that children’s books have, what with all the longer, more complex sentences, and it wasn’t quite a mature sound, with the repetition and the kind of stiff dialogue. It felt stuck between the two for me. Also, I kind of wish the ending was her telling off the teacher.

It was definitely one of my favorites though. Clever, simple, and a little tongue-in-cheek (although I’m not exactly sure I ever use that phrase right).


*Pennywise
Pompi
Overall: 11
*


I sorry to say that something about this piece just didn’t click with me. I believe in the importance of raising issues through literature, don’t get me wrong, and I try my best to make a point of exploring worlds where acceptance finds more of a place than rejection. The ending definitely resonates with me as I’ve seen several family members have to go through the tumultuous coming out process to their parents.

What went wrong? The dialogue, really. It didn’t feel natural to me. There were bits that were definitely forced. If you read it over and over again, you get the sense that the line was more designed for literature than for speech, a pet peeve of mine. When people speak, there should be a consistent meter to it. I think it did a disservice in that it confused me.

Another pet peeve of mine is chock-filling the story with all sorts of odds and ends. At that point, it becomes hard to figure out what I’m supposed to be keeping an eye on. Honestly, that whole, “I want to be with my lover” thing fell by the wayside for me when I read it the first time because I thought this was going to be some racially tense story.

Focus more. Let the dialogue flow. It’s going to get better the more you practice, I think.


*J. Anifson
Guardians
Overall: 17
*


Corny, silly, childish. Everything I was hoping to find. See, I’m a sucker for this kind of story, this simple, straightforward tale of childhood heroism. Now, there are definitely moments that I face-palmed, but isn’t that the point of cute (triumphant) children’s stories? You wrote to an audience, and you did it extremely well. It’s not easy trying to do what you did.

I docked you points because there were some flat parts that struck me as awkward, out of place. “And then the monster fled” really let you down. The whole confrontation in general didn’t hit the mark I set for it. Why not get a little more in depth there? See if you can’t thin it out elsewhere to spare some words for the action part?

I really liked this story. I’m quite impressed with the idea generation.


*Godofwine
The Carcass
Overall: 13
*


I got a really good sense of the characters here, a feat in such a short piece. Each of them had their own very unique personality. I could see this kind of thing happening. It’s like the movie “Stand By Me”. The end builds a climax, and although it’s not the most fulfilling conclusion, it’s definitely a conclusion.

What really took me out of your element were all the forced sentences, all the descriptions that just detracted from your narrative. Why do we need to know about the kind of tree or the kind of cigarette or the street or the fact that it’s in Cleveland (which you repeated)? Extraneous details definitely mucked it up. Sentences about the overhang above them (a redundant phrase) and the leafy branch really just didn’t feel meaty to me.

I’d like to see more of your stuff in the Workshop though. I think with a little critical analysis, you’d be a darn good writer here.


*ChristinaH
Untitled
Overall: 12
*


Well, if nothing else, a strong start to your career here on the Forum. You’ve attempted to do something very difficult in tackling a child’s POV story. It’s difficult to nail down a voice that doesn’t sound too complicated, and I’ll be honest, you nailed it here. I could see my little niece saying all of this stuff to me.

It’s a little skeletal, though. Not much to it. I wish there was more emotion, less “borrowed” characters, and a stronger theme to it. You tried to make a moral out of it, but I felt as though the story doesn’t really accentuate that moral.

Also, be very careful of repetition and wandering. You don’t want to use the word door that many times in the first paragraph, for instance. Try posting some more stuff in the Workshop, and some of the more experienced writers can help you get this style honed. It’s very difficult to do.


*Dave Watson
The Wee Man
Overall: 18
*


This story would have been perfect if not for the ending. It felt like a punchline, and I just didn’t get it. I’m not sure what this Wee Man is. I love the concept, love the prose, have nothing to say about the characterization, the plot, the ideas, but it just seemed a little muddled at the end for me. He’s reading books about reality? And at the end of each book, the monster from the book attacks him? And the Wee Man is his son, but it’s also Damian?

A couple of sentences to explain each of those two plot points, and I would have called it perfect.


*danielstj
Fly, Fly Bluebird
Overall: 16
*


Cute. A little sappy, but maybe exactly what I needed today. Everyone likes a happy story, right? It’s well written, for the most part. You have these weird interjections (“daresay I”) and a couple of sentences that just didn’t make much sense to me, but for the most part, like I said, it was easy and peaceful to read.

I also took off for the weird way that the narration kind of switches back and forth between the mother and you. If you’re going to tell a story in the first person from a third person point of view, you should really establish that as soon as you can. I also took off for the unexplained moral here. He could see something in her eye. It was love, but there had to have been something else. Why does she love him most of all? Maybe one sentence would clear that up.

Great first offering here, Dan. I look forward to see you do more competitions going forward.



[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=spartan928’s scores]

*garza
"A cautionary Tale for Children
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

SPAG is impeccable, nothing there for me to comment on. For straight dialogue this is exceptional in my opinion. It's difficult enough to maintain a clear direction of who is saying what with tags and descriptions, which is absent in this piece. In this case, I felt there was clarity in the distinct voices. Not just because it's back and forth, but I feel the style in the characters is strong. Also, the conflict is well thought out and implemented. I like the premise of a misunderstood, gifted child. It's kind of a classic plot with many ways to approach it and I like your angle. To me, I felt myself meandering out of the story a bit toward the end. I wanted to see and feel more of the child but he personally exited the story when I was just wanting to hear more of what he had to say. Overall, really enjoyed this piece.


 *Pluralized
Fricasseed Fourth-Grader
*Judge Entry

  Creepy stuff. Is this dude having Tommy barbecue for supper? That's where I felt it was headed, whoa! Nice execution overall. Pacing is decent with good balance between dialogue and description. First paragraph mixes two different similes which feels redundant. Otherwise, I like the introduction of Pete and his role in the rest of the story. My only gripe might be why the heck Tommy would spend a relaxing video game filled week pent up with this old, creepy dude known for cannibalizing small children? However, fun story and the creep-out factor grabbed me sufficiently to sear my mind a bit afterwards. Thanks for sharing, enjoyed it!


*stormageddon
The Chicken Struck Back
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16
*

*I like the concept here. Oppressed chick gets his come-uppance. No specific SPaG issues to point out, well done there. Wasn't sure what exactly defined a "lofty" or a "lowly" chicken so that gave me pause briefly as I guessed it was arrangement in the coop and went on. I do like the fable quality of it. The progression for a flash piece like this works well for me and kept me intrigued and reading straight through. *

"This day was a day like any other, or so it seemed by the light of dawn. Lost in forlorn thoughts, Darmody scratched the grassy ground, eyes flickering about the field as he watched for approaching foes, and yearned for approaching friends. So passed most of his days, in misery and in isolation."


*You are fairly succinct throughout but this to me feels rather loose. Stated like his eyes are literally "flickering about" and I'm not even sure what flickering means and why it's important to mention. 

Also, you first state it is "This day" pulling me into the present moment and end "So passed his days.." so the tense you're establishing is inconsistent.*


"There's that fighting spirit," said the old cockerel, eyes agleam with the amusement of the elderly. "You ought to stand firm all the time."


  Now we're cooking, the antagonist becomes the wise sage. I like the shift, classic. Not sure what "amusement of the elderly" implies though. Feels awkward stated in such a way, almost a nod to some vague stereotype of the elderly which could be better stated or dropped.


_"No more."

_

  We come to the denouement and I like the mystery you generate. What's the chick going to do? What was the trick? But you lose me. He literally blows fire from his beak? That comes out of nowhere and left me wondering how and why a chicken might have such mystical pyrotechnic ability. Not that I couldn't suspend my belief, but it's too abrupt. You don't establish any sense of the supernatural beforehand so it's a tall order to just throw it out as your defining moment for the character. Overall, fun read with style and character of the fable sort. Enjoyed it, keep it up!



 *cosmiticide
The Foxes
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 12
*

*SPaG needs some work. Misspellings sprinkled here and there ("*purchace", "i" should be "in", "reteaded" should be "retreated"). Otherwise, punctuation seems OK, nothing that distracted me. 
  I want to compliment your expressiveness. You do a nice job describing things and using emphatic words that make a point. It's a tough thing to carry a story forward with that and I think you stretch the description a bit far. 

The thing I was begging to get out of your story was character. The sentences are formulated on too much description and ambiguous actions that left me wanting something specific. I asked myself several times; "what is this even about"? Now, that may be your intention. To create some literary ambiguity and artistic imagery. Trouble is, it doesn't feel like a story. It feels like splashing around paint without a clear painting forming on the canvas. 

I would love to see this much more tightly focused. Give us one fox, one person. I wanted to feel some characters interact in ways that are specific and illustrate the conflict that you use a lot of adjectives to try and convey. 


  There are many pronouns in here that I was having a hard time following; "it", "they", "their". Again, it's kind of fuzzy to me what is going on, who is doing it and more importantly why? I don't want to guess what is going on in a short like this. I want to get pulled into the drama of specific characters right away and keep moving and I feel this piece would benefit from honing in on a much more specific plot and characters. Ambiguity begets confusion and I really wanted to get sucked into this idea of man and wild interacting, but it felt so nebulous I couldn't focus my attention on anything long enough to construct a mental image of a story going on. But again, nice phrasing and word construction, a strong suit for this. Thanks for sharing!


*Candervalle
The People's Baron
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

*I don't like dialogue nested into chapters the way this is formatted but I didn't dock you for it. Just doesn't quite have the same impact as breaking out, and to me is a bit confusing as it reads through. Good balance of dialogue and description throughout. Stylistically, it rings true to the style you are reaching for. 

Also, the plot is interesting and a nice read overall, entertaining. The story is sort of a vignette from a larger idea. In itself, not a bad thing, but perhaps lacks true conflict or suspense throughout because the conflict that intrigued me (the evening shenanigans) was external to what was going on between the two characters, which was simply recounting what interested me the most. So essentially, you have a story within a story which left me wanting a bit in terms of conflict and drama.  Well written and again, your flair for the genre is evident.*


*dvspec
Untitled
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

*Sweet, nostalgic little story here. You drop out of the story with the dads death and jump back in which kind of drops an emotional bomb and I'm thinking - whoa, wait why'd dad die? Not a major thing, just an emotional tease I think. It's a cute story and you write it well. Good flow of dialogue, nice structure. 

Not a fan of the "said mischievously" or "asked suspiciously" adverbs but that's my taste and may not matter at all to other readers. Also, the ending is externalized and vague that says to me - some stuff happened because of what happened in this story. That's cheating a bit in my opinion. Tighter and more effective when I'm staying in the story. What kind of trouble did the dad actually get in? What's "a long time"? Show us what happens, don't just imply it. Nice work overall, thanks for sharing it, I enjoyed this piece.*


*astroannie
A Letter to Eleanor
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

*No SPaG issues that I saw. By its nature the story is concise which works well here. It's compact and creepy. Not sure what a keening howl is but I assumed it was like a strangulation or some such torture. You have a nice style. Minimal sentences with impact, very emphatic tone overall and I like it. Early on the character writes "I got this letter when I was eleven". Now, this creates all kinds of time continuum questions that make my head spin, but in the immediate moment, I imagined if she got the exact letter at eleven and ignored it, then what's the impact this letter is supposed to have by sending it back? Again, that threw me off, but going backwards and forwards in time in literature does that to me regardless. However, the imagery with the rabbit is effective so kudos for the horror aspect, it works.*


*Trygve
Sirens
Spelling/Grammar:4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15

*

*SPaG-wise no significant issues. I like the creativity and sinister nature of the story. Take on the prompt is not as strong as others, but it's there in the second paragraph. I did feel a bit confused in that section and had to re-read  a bit to grasp where you were trying to make the connection the character had with his misogyny within children's stories. 

Style-wise good balance of sentence length and rhythm. It flowed well overall and after the second paragraph I read straight through.** I'm not a big fan of so much anonymity in a main character such as this. I feel distant because the story primarily recounts a series of actions, third person of one person. Seeing how this is entirely from his POV, consider first person. Unlock his thoughts and emotions to draw us into the world of his psychosis. 

Lastly, sharpen this up by culling out incidence of "had" throughout; cut or contract. "He had found…." to "He found…". "He had already hunted…" to "He'd hunted…"*

*
Best bit is the creative twist at the end; his psychotic preoccupation with the siren-like allure of women ends with the sirens of the police. Nice work!*


*shinyford
The Nuffin Puffin
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

*

*Here we start out with a very fine, humorous and clever premise. I enjoyed the concept here and the child's constant refusal as defining his name. Your choice of conflict rings so true and would appeal to readers of any age. Only issue I have is the Nuffin incidents carry on a bit longish. But overall, it's effective. A clever and funny story about a little boy's stubbornness warmed by sweet dreams.  As a children's story it's compact and well conceived. Thanks, well done.*


*InstituteMan
Pizza Pis
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

*

*No SPaG issues to note. Clean and clearly written throughout. Clever use of the prompt overall. As a rather ancient concept, the story involves suspension of understanding the origin of pi and other basic mathematics. That said, the story pace starts out pretty well. 

You give the main character a distinctive voice and personality early on that is believable. I like how her curiosity progresses and her detective nature lends itself to creative exploration of math. So all is well and good up to the near end where she "did some arithmetic, and pretty soon figured out…etc." Here, I feel like the vital Eureka moment you are building to is skipped right over. What arithmetic? How did she stumble onto the formula? That is glossed over pretty quick in my mind here and I'm left wanting a bit more. Overall, nice, clear writing and a creative use of the prompt.*


*Pennywise
Pompi
Spelling/Grammar:2
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 12

*

*I enjoy the cultural flair you blend into this story. It's an education in itself so that adds a lot to the style and effect of the story. Punctuation is deficient throughout; missing commas, missing question marks, periods, incorrect dialogue tags. Missing initial capitalization at beginning of one sentence. It's an interesting story, but it meanders around. Couldn't quite grasp where this was leading and to what purpose. 

It took me several reads to grasp what is going on. Even then, I was left confused about the nature of the relationships between the characters. I gathered it was some type of revelation of Monty's hidden homosexuality, which is a dramatic tale to delve into. But I think the subject is much larger than a piece of flash can handle so the impact suffers a lot under the limitations set in the word count. Keep it up, I think the framework here is potentially a good, broader story. It simply needs more room to breathe and some work on the basic grammar.*


*J Anfinson
Guardians
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18

*

*The story is very focused with excellent balance of dialogue and description. We get just enough characterization of the bear Ted and the monster to form mental images perfectly and the army of bears form a neat backbone to Ted's heroic effort. As a children's story I think it possesses all the right elements; succinct plot, two or three main characters and building conflict throughout to a resolution and a bit of a lesson at the end. The army of bears moving into the boys room and home is a clever and fun mental image.*

*
"Mmm. I just love the smell of innocence." Awesome line. *


*One crit I have is the boy seems absent from the story physically and psychologically. It's tough to do much in this kind of short, but I wasn't sure if the boy was sleeping or what. That is glossed over and left me wondering if Carter was dreaming this whole thing, or if not, then I would like his reaction. Or, just some indication he managed to sleep through the whole affair. *

"The monster laughed, a terrifying, booming giggle."


  Laughing and giggling are different to my mind. A booming giggle doesn't quite fit, especially for a monster. Minor crit though, had a hard time noting anything significant as it was very well written. Kudos! Nice job.


 *Anonymous
Sixteen
Judge Entry

*

*Tight writing throughout. Sentence balance has a nice rhythm to it which came across to me as very polished and well thought out. Take on the prompt is particularly creative and the inherent conflict in it is enough to keep me reading start to finish. 

All the dialogue itself I loved. The only distraction for me was all of it was spoken out loud which rings a teeny bit false as he's alone, but not overly so. That's a minor crit, with the exception of speaking "to" the shower head. I'd say you can only speak "at" an inanimate object. Also, "auburn hair" I see a lot but still don't know what it is…ha ha.*


"He shook his head. He kept seeing pictures of himself as an infant, some dressed in blue and others in pink. He’d never really thought about what his children would look like."


  This threw me a bit. You shift to past tense but my sense is this is happening in the present like the rest of the story. By his "seeing pictures" you mean him recalling in his mind presently in the shower. If it is a recollection of the immediate past, maybe clarify that a bit. Otherwise, small issues.

A very nice piece, very strong writing and enjoyed reading it very much. A nice and welcome choice to zero in on one characters' lonely, conflicted experience and the way you did it was superb in my opinion.


*Arcopitcairn
Fingler J. McKreebus Jr. and the Bad Man
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

*I'm giving you credit for the impact at the end. Fat boy murders his whole classroom including his teacher and the foul Mr. Snide. Wow, don't mess with McKreebus! SPag is fine, no issues I noticed to point out. Stylistically, I'm a bit confused why God is even in the story. God doesn't seem to do anything relevant except look down from heaven at the whole affair, approvingly I gather of murder, which seems wholly counter to what we'd expect. As such, feels tacked on and confused me a bit. *
*
First paragraph is weighed down heavily with description; ambling, weather report, clothing description, etc. Would like to see you trim some fat, so to speak. In fact, description throughout is weighed heavily in favor of action and dialogue. Would like to see that more evenly balanced. Some areas begging for description like Snides death are dropped quickly.  *

*
Chesterton Snide is a sinister element that is very intriguing. Love the dialogue exchange you have here. The motive for killing the guy seems clear and amusing to me. Love your invention of names, clearly you have a flair for fantasy and invention and the story shows it. Again, suggest creating more balance with description, action and dialogue so it creates a rhythm in a more focused and tight manner. Nice work, loved your characters.*


*ChristinaH
Untitled
Spelling/Grammar:4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14

*

*A couple SPaG issues; "I would feel bad" seems to be dialogue in context of story but no dialogue quotations. Also, "She smiles and me…" should be "at".

*

*"Usually we have to fight over…"*
*
Here it is implied the characters have fought previously but I understand this to be the first time they have met.*

*
It's a cute story, you do fine with the verbal exchange between the characters. A kind of fan fiction I'd say as it parallels the main character in the movie Frozen. In this regard, it just feels too random for a Disney character to drop by a child's house. You just plop her into the story. Also, the character is named Elsa which I feel you miss the opportunity to personalize a bit by instead just referring to her as "the Ice Queen from the movie Frozen".*


*Stylistically, the sentences are too uniform and the story feels very choppy with many short sentences. Would have a better rhythm to vary sentence length throughout.  Also, the initial conflict between them gets smoothed out so quickly that I feel there is a missed opportunity to play that out a bit for more drama. 

I don't want to be too hard on it because I assume it is geared toward small children and the simplicity of it is a plus. But, I think keeping more conflict and drama in the story would hold attention to any age group more effectively so would like to see more in a story such as this. Thanks for sharing this piece.*


*danielstj
Fly, Fly Bluebird
Spelling/Grammar:4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14

*

*Main issue for me SPaG-wise is comma use throughout feels overused. Sentences are split into too many fragments so it reads a bit broken. I do enjoy the descriptive quality of your writing. You take great care to humanize a simple and well known occurrence in nature so a child can relate to it and you do a nice job. As it pertains to children however, I'd say the flow of ideas and any conflict to draw a small reader in is lacking. The story weighs long and heavy on description which has difficulty carrying the story. Also, as a stylistic comment, some sentences could be sharpened up a bit by cutting or making less passive;*
*
"so to speak"…cut. *


* "His mother had always brought him, when all the other birds were sleeping, more food." perhaps…"When all the other birds were sleeping his mother brought him more food."*


*Sentences here and there are rather long and feel a bit ambiguous;

*

  "It was his mother, he knew, and there was a special bond between them, to be sure, but he did not think, for the longest time, that there was anything different from the bond that his siblings had with her and his own attachment."


  This feels like it's saying too many things in one breath to me and is passive. Sharpen a bit more and cut out superfluous words (ie "to be sure').


  Use of "daresay I" feels out of place, breaking 4th wall kind of thing, whereas the rest of the piece is firmly third person. Also, use of "as you and I", and "we will skip this for now" I feel is irrelevant to your story so should be cut. Cute with a bit of emotion packed into the end which works nicely. Thanks for sharing this!


*The Carcass
Godofwine
Spelling/Grammar:4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

*SPaG is not bad overall, just some small errors here and there. A couple instances where you wobble past and present tense, but nothing that jars too much. For example;*

"Gordon froze, his mouth agape, color drained from his face, the toughness all but removed, the Newport falling end-over-end trailing orange down to the ground forgotten."


  "from the inside carcass" should read "from inside the carcass"


  That's all minor stuff. Overall, I like the concept. It's tightly focused on a group of kids with a rugged, mouthy Gordon at the lead.


  "Still, this ain’t a children’s story, so stay close.” To me, the line feels a bit forced as tie-in to the prompt.


  "glanced at his Casio". Not sure a "casio" is familiar enough as a synonym for watch. 


  I like the building fear and focus on Franklin. You set him up as a pivotal character well and provide just enough character to form an image of him. The others are sidelined but that's good in my opinion in a piece of flash like this. You stick to focusing on Gordon and Franklin so it stays tight. As a piece of horror it's well written. 

The monster as character is missing a motive or explanation. Very mysterious, and to my mind left me wondering what they are all about. Again, tough to nail everything down in flash, but it's something that leaves me wanting; kids go look for dead deer, stumble onto monster, monster kills one of them and they run away. Again, just left me wanting something deeper or sinister in terms of the monster point of view. Often, flash pieces feel like a scene from a larger work and this story feels that way as well. Your writing is well done, just grasping for a lesson or plot that stands on its own within the piece and not just a scene extracted from a broader idea.  Good work, thanks for sharing it!


*Dave Watson
The Wee Man
Spelling/Grammar:5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9*
*Overall: 19

*

*Very well written. Exceptionally clever characters; a milquetoast daddy and snarling, profane evil wee man. Loved the juxtaposition of the usual roles. There is a lot of style and grace in the writing that is clearly unique. The piece feels crafted from someone skilled in the genre. Evil children are always creepy and you convey it well. I'm frightened myself of this little bundle of evil by the end of the story. 

The action of the story being played out in real life as the daddy reads comes across well. It's a bit heavy on the story reading and light on the actual tentacle wrapping and slithering in the bedroom, so my only suggestion would be to balance that a bit. Again, overall it's tight, very creative use of the prompt, stylish and horrifying. Good job.*



[/spoiler2]


----------



## dvspec

*Thanks*

I want to thank the judges for their time and effort.  Though, I got beat by more than half the field, <boo hiss> my virtual hat is off to those who won.

I agree with all of the critiques and my only defense is that the scene is from a book I am writing, so alluding to Dad dying was foreshadowing for the book story and should have been left out of this short.  I will be working on the ending since that was unanimously bad.  

This was my first competition and I will be better the next time around.


----------



## Arcopitcairn

Hey, I placed! Thanks


----------



## stormageddon

Congratulations shinyford! The nuffin puffin was my favourite entry, so I'm chuffed to see you won 

And thank you judges! You are awesome, wonderful people and help to make this site an awesome, wonderful place which spawns awesome, wonderful writers <3 and you're not bad looking, either.


----------



## J Anfinson

Congrats to the winners and thank you to Fin and the judges for the hard work.

Gav: Woohoo! I was wondering if anyone would catch the LOTR reference. 

I totally pantsed the hell out of this one, and the lack of editing shows. But this one wasn't about winning for me, it was just good fun.

Great stories, everyone!


----------



## aj47

Yes, another round of thanks to the judges.  This was my first time, but now that I see how it works, I'll probably be back.

Congrats to the high-scorers.


----------



## Gavrushka

Congratulations to shinyford, and all entrants. What a great month it was to be a judge!

I'm looking forward to next month immensely... Please make sure you all enter again, as there is a fantastic array of talent on display.


----------



## garza

Thank you, judges, for all your kind comments. Old timers will tell you how fond I am of dialogue-driven stories, or, in this case, dialogue only, stories. After reading, a writer's best preparation is listening. At least that's my opinion based on almost 60 years as a reporter. Listening was critical, of course, while I was an active journalist. Since I've started trying to write fiction, my natural inclination is to rely primarily on dialogue. As I've mentioned before, writing description bores me, and and my narrative segments sound like a police situation report smoothed out for the six o'clock news.

Again, thank you, judges, for your comments.


----------



## Dave Watson

Well that wee slice of lunacy did a lot better than I thought it would! Thanks so much to all the judges, entrants and of course a worthy winner in shinyford. My personal favourite was J Anfison's Guardians, with the bad ass squad of teddybears. 

And to the judges wondering about that line "a chill scuttling prickling the skin of my back", I tried to get a bit funky and use the word 'scuttling' as a noun!


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## godofwine

I had a ton of fun writing this story, sadly I didn't place, but still I had an amazing time writing. Congrats to all entries, especially those who placed/won. Props to the judges, too. Once we leave school, most of us don't have someone to critique anything we write We pretty much wander around like a blind lost dog in the park, unable to tell exactly where all of our errors are. I will be the first to admit that I need guidance, so if anyone has the time by all means hit me up. I fly by the seat of my pants when I write, and though I have never crashed, I don't necessarily consider myself a great pilot. 

@Pluralized

*Godofwine*
*“The Carcass”*
*Score: 17*

Good dialogue and pacing, with some very well-done descriptions. I  didn’t quite get the beast at the end’s appearance, but it was suitably  freaky. I thought you had a nice balance going, but the last two  paragraphs came on a bit quick and strong.

I was wondering about that later on after submission. I did not know how to flip over to the beast as it tried to hide behind the tree hoping the disturbance would pass. Large predators often do that when they overtake large prey that they cannot drag up a tree and eat in peace. Two basic paths of least resistance before attack I have seen in the animal kingdom, (1) hide hoping the threat will pass (2) threatening growl. I did the second, but could/should have cut away, maybe a double asterisk scene break for a one sentence "The beast heard the noisy disturbance and crouched behind a tree and hoped it would pass" Will do next time. Working on dialogue. Thanks. 

The story was pretty cool, sort of like “Stand by Me” for  horror-junkies. I like it. Some explanation for the docked points:  Unnecessary description of stuff that doesn’t move the story forward,  and a few awkwardly-constructed sentences. Also you poked me in the eye  with ‘children’s story’ when it went without saying. 

Stand by Me was a quick thought of inspiration for me in this one without the "Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood." Plus, when I was 8 my cousin took my brother and I up that same street into the woods at the top of that street. 

An example of what I consider to be an awkward construction:

*“Come on, you yucks,” he barked at the three twelve year-old boys  meandering up the steep East Cleveland street Burnette. “I ain’t got all  day.” *I’m not a big fan of telling people how to write their  stories, as you’re the one driving the boat. However, I think when you  try to put that bit about the steep street in between this dialogue, it  jams up the pacing and reads weird. Would’ve enjoyed something like: 

*The three twelve year-old boys meandered up East Cleveland’s Burnette  Street. “Come on, you yucks,” Gordon barked. “I ain’t got all day.”

*The street is a huge hill, so it was part of my description of the landscape. I want the reader to see what I see. I know that it often doesn't work for short stories such as this, but one comment that I hear often is that the reader can see what I write vividly.

Then you launch into the bit about the Newport from here, and I think have a more soundly-built intro to the story. 

Cigs were thrice mentioned. Beginning, middle where he lit another, and end where it fell from his mouth. Was that an issue. TO me the cig at his age showed bad boy, rebel, rogue, Alpha male without me having to say as much

I think a tiny bit more subtle foreshadowing could have helped, as well.  Overall a good story and pretty well written. Thanks for entering.

IDK what you mean here. I stated early that whatever killed the buck should have been long gone (lol, it wasn't), didn't show where the animal hid behind the tree, but went with the change in atmosphere instead. Even in nature the birds and other animals shut up and watch the show of something about to go down. Not criticizing, but trying to learn where I missed here. I aim to win one of these soon so I need to find out where i went wrong. Thanks for the props


----------



## thepancreas11

Congrats to the Nuffin Puffin! Shinyford, that made my day, really. Also, to Arcopitcairn and Dave Watson, well-done everyone. It was a very difficult and apparently polarizing prompt. Incredibly varied in entries and approaches. Loved to see it. I'm so glad I got to judge a very talented competition.

It's hard to beat anthropomorphism in my heart when it comes to children's stories. You must have known, shinyford.


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## Pluralized

Congratulations, shinyford! Your story was such a nice tribute to this prompt. Well done, sir.

Arco and Dave - nice work as well. Enjoyed reading your stories too. So glad to be a part of this thing again, everybody did such a great job with their stories this cycle. Good work, everyone!


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## godofwine

@*Gavrushka* 

_*godofwine*_*
“The Carcass"
Spelling/Grammar:3 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14*_

I assume you had permission to edit your entry outside of the grace period, so I’ll score it._

_It’s not a bad story, and I think you made more than reasonable use of dialogue, so well done on that!_

_In the first line, I couldn’t get it out of my head that it was the  smoke dangling from his lip rather than the cigarette... Made me smile._

_Now there are a couple of occasions here where the words don’t fit  together, and I hope you see what I mean when I point them out..._

_1: Percy shot a long glance.  Glances tend to be brief affairs, and  any longer I feel should come under the jurisdiction of ‘staring’_

_2:_ _overhanging canopy above.  – I think I knew the overhead canopy was above them, so I’d have dropped the final word._

_At the end, when the pace should have been electrifying, you used  some long sentences, and it slowed my read down as I assembled what you  were saying. My preference, but I feel such action should be in punchy  short bursts._

_Still, as ever with you, it was a more than reasonable story._
Thank you, Gavrushka. My question here is how to improve my SpAG? I see what you mean by glance, won't do that again. I know I had one point near the end "the inside..." instead of "inside the" as far as grammar, but where were other areas where spelling/grammar was weak? I still mix tenses, can't seem to totally correct that or notice when i am doing it. smh.

As far as Tone/Voice & Effect, how would I improve in this area of the piece? I know you spoke of short punchy sentences and I can see that for the moment when Gordon happened upon the beast, should I have used semi colons instead of commas? As I mentioned above, I opted to keep the piece with the boys until the end. It may have had greater effect had I changed POV to the beast for one/two sentences

**​The beast heard the commotion and aligned with the tree. Maybe they would pass by and not notice...

**​
Franklin paused...

Would the above have worked? I have a werewolf short story that I wrote which I borrowed the beast from. 

As for effect, I got no idea. I thought that even though I didn't mention the beast until the end, the change in atmosphere by one of the main characters was enough of a tell. No excuses, thanks for reading, thanks for critiquing, thanks for the appraisal of the usage of dialogue.


----------



## godofwine

@thepancreas11

*Godofwine
The Carcass
Overall: 13
*
I got a really good sense of the characters here, a feat in such a short  piece. Each of them had their own very unique personality. I could see  this kind of thing happening. It’s like the movie “Stand By Me”. The end  builds a climax, and although it’s not the most fulfilling conclusion,  it’s definitely a conclusion.

What really took me out of your element were all the forced sentences,  all the descriptions that just detracted from your narrative. Why do we  need to know about the kind of tree or the kind of cigarette or the  street or the fact that it’s in Cleveland (which you repeated)?  Extraneous details definitely mucked it up. Sentences about the overhang  above them (a redundant phrase) and the leafy branch really just didn’t  feel meaty to me.

I’d like to see more of your stuff in the Workshop though. I think with a  little critical analysis, you’d be a darn good writer here.

The conclusion to me was succinct, but in it I tried to convey the progression and didn't quite get it in. The growl before the attack is supposed to be a warning and if heeded the predator would let the intruder go, but the boy frozen in fear does not heed the warning of "GET OUT!" and gets got. I could have used another sentence or two to fill that in, but I had trouble cutting from the above once I got to the end because I felt the above told so much of the story.

I NEED critical analysis, and any you or anyone could give would be greatly appreciated. Fiction, or realistic fiction is my area and I want to be able to tackle this in the best way when I complete my novel. I am willing to learn from a mentor of sorts and any help will be appreciated. 

What is it meant by forced sentences? As for the type of tree, the kind of cigarette, and the leafy branch just add to the picture, I am being descriptive and painting a picture for the audience. Maple trees, large maples such as this are prevalent in Ohio. Is it a necessity? No, but I feel it helps the reader see the scene better if I use descriptive words as I did rather than simply using tree, or branch, or eliminating it altogether. I should have cut somewhere to quickly add the beasts POV for a sentence or two, but I couldn't figure where. When I finished I was at 639, which is no space to add anything but fluffy details to liven the picture. I see that i did doubly mention East Cleveland, and in such a short story it is only necessary to mention the location once and "overhanging above" is redundant and won't make that mistake again. 

Again, thank you so very much for this critique. I look for ways to improve at this and hope a 20 is in my future. The workshop? How would I submit works to the workshop? and can this be done before a contest is completed? Thank you for the praise. It feels great that I am improving in this supremely complex art.


----------



## ChristinaH

I want to thank everyone. First, it was fun to write and fun to compete. Second, I learned things, probably because I had to write in a genre (short story) that I don't like.

And the comments were a big bonus. I really appreciated them. Did I say thanks to everyone already? (I will be back next month, but I decided on a pen name so it won't be under this name, really sorry. But I love this contest.)


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## Gavrushka

godofwine said:


> Thank you, Gavrushka. My question here is how to improve my SpAG? I see what you mean by glance, won't do that again. I know I had one point near the end "the inside..." instead of "inside the" as far as grammar, but where were other areas where spelling/grammar was weak? I still mix tenses, can't seem to totally correct that or notice when i am doing it. smh.
> 
> As far as Tone/Voice & Effect, how would I improve in this area of the piece? I know you spoke of short punchy sentences and I can see that for the moment when Gordon happened upon the beast, should I have used semi colons instead of commas? As I mentioned above, I opted to keep the piece with the boys until the end. It may have had greater effect had I changed POV to the beast for one/two sentences
> 
> **​The beast heard the commotion and aligned with the tree. Maybe they would pass by and not notice...
> 
> **​
> Franklin paused...
> 
> Would the above have worked? I have a werewolf short story that I wrote which I borrowed the beast from.
> 
> As for effect, I got no idea. I thought that even though I didn't mention the beast until the end, the change in atmosphere by one of the main characters was enough of a tell. No excuses, thanks for reading, thanks for critiquing, thanks for the appraisal of the usage of dialogue.



The first thing you need to understand is that your SpAG is no different to that of anyone else, but spotting oopses seems to be your issue. - When you combine that with some of the other logic oopses, I'd suggest the problem is more one of your 'eye' when editing.

Slow down, and read it back sentence by sentence. - Do it aloud, pausing for each comma. You _feel_ the words far better this way, and will pick out far more mistakes.

When the pace is high, don't use conjunctions. Use a full stop. Such constructs naturally accelerate the pace of the prose. - There was nothing wrong with the pov, and I'd prefer it stayed where it was as the urgency is within the boys, not the beast.

In a way, your stories frustrate me as they're always such near misses from 'really good'... - It's like there are always one or two elements that are short of what you need to make it a 16.5 - 17.5 score. IF you take a few minutes on EVERY sentence when editing, you'll see it... Don't get word-blinded from looking too hard for too long. - Finish your story with a week to spare. - Spend an hour focussed on one paragraph before moving on to the next, the following night. - I reckon, within a couple of months, that special 'writer's eye' will become second nature to you, and edits will be a breeze.


----------



## InstituteMan

Thanks to the judges and all of the entrants. This was a more varied set of entries than I expected from the prompt, which shows just how clever and imaginative everyone around here is, as well as how damned difficult judging these competitions has to be.


----------



## Candervalle

Thank you judges for taking the time to review our stories and congratulations to this month's winners!


----------



## shinyford

Gosh, I'm gobsmacked! Thank you all so much! I would add that the pacing works better with the pictures - but of course, they're only in my head at the moment so a little inaccessible.

Pluralized: actually, it _was_ supposed to be corn hakes, hake being a fish and corn hakes being a pun on corn flakes. But I guess less obscure aquatic fauna would work better generally for children, so that's a good call.

Thanks again to everyone: judges, writers, readers. And Fin for organising so well as ever. This was a great round, and I like to believe that George is smiling at us all.


----------



## PiP

Congratulations, Shinyford!


----------



## Trygve

Thanks to the judges for putting in the time and effort needed to make this work. 

I learned two important lessons from this that have nothing to do with scores or judging: 

1. If I ask my muse for a quick 650 words, and that's it, she'll give me more than three times that as fast as I can move my fingers on the key board.

2. If I don't do a "save as" on Google Drive before cutting from 2300 words to 650, the stuff I've cut is gone, and the aforementioned muse won't give it back in the same spirit. Gone are all of my sociopath's twisted rationalizations and the insinuation that he killed his mother. Gone is how he funded and conducted his hunt for "sirens" on the mainland. Gone is the twisted piece of poetry that compared his suffering over dreams of the girl's breasts to the horrors of war. I was on the path to having a fully-realized character, but now the energy has gone out of it. But at least I've learned, and I did manage to keep a small piece of a Springsteen lyric in the story.  

There is a third lesson, about not having to write, revise, and submit all in one sitting, but I doubt that I'll apply it, because it would make the whole thing seem more like work and less like a game.


----------



## escorial

well done


----------



## godofwine

Did not mean to seem argumentative, which wasn't the point of my comments to the critiques. I guess I wanted to explain why I did what I did, ask clairification, or even say, okay - I got it. I really do appreciate the feedback. On another board there was back and forth from the writers and readers alike which allowed room to explain the various questions on both sides in the thread that the scores were posted, and I am seeing that that is not done here. 

I am searching for the why something won't work because it seemed to work in my head fine. I feel that I have to answer these questions because the help won't be there when I write my novels. I don't mean to take away from the comments that I am unappreciative or "always have a comeback" but I am trying to learn and by the fluctuating scores there is soemthing that I am not quite getting. The problem is not knowing what in the world that is.


----------



## Pluralized

In the interest of keeping this thing fun, and making it attractive for future members to judge, I'd suggest taking any micro-analysis of the judging to PM.


----------



## godofwine

Duly noted Pluralized. On another forum where we submitted stories, people added comments and critiques to the thread where the stories were scored as sometimes comments can help more than one writer. Anyone at any time may drop a nugget of knowledge that was unseen by the writer. We just had a back and forth that I guess y'all don't do on this site. My apologies. I am not writing this out of malice or even a criticism of their criticism, but acknowleging or clearing up or confusion on either side.


----------



## garza

godofwine: 

1. Do not attempt to clear up confusion. Such efforts often result in others making direct statements. In this age of political correctness, a single unambiguous statement can have the same effect as the first bottle thrown in a crowded Saigon barroom on a Saturday night. It may not hit the intended target, but the resulting pandemonium can sweep all in its path into the arms of the MPs and the medics.

 2. Try to stay out of the path of tiny 'nuggets of knowledge'. Such a nugget can be compared to a small calibre round fired at high velocity. A .22 does not have the mass of the .45, but with enough powder behind it and in the hands of a skilled practitioner it can reach further, penetrate deeper, stun harder, and kill quicker.


----------



## godofwine

Gavrushka said:


> The first thing you need to understand is that your SpAG is no different to that of anyone else, but spotting oopses seems to be your issue. - When you combine that with some of the other logic oopses, I'd suggest the problem is more one of your 'eye' when editing.
> 
> Slow down, and read it back sentence by sentence. - Do it aloud, pausing for each comma. You _feel_ the words far better this way, and will pick out far more mistakes.
> 
> When the pace is high, don't use conjunctions. Use a full stop. Such constructs naturally accelerate the pace of the prose. - There was nothing wrong with the pov, and I'd prefer it stayed where it was as the urgency is within the boys, not the beast.
> 
> *In a way, your stories frustrate me as they're always such near misses from 'really good'... - It's like there are always one or two elements that are short of what you need to make it a 16.5 - 17.5 score.* IF you take a few minutes on EVERY sentence when editing, you'll see it... Don't get word-blinded from looking too hard for too long. - Finish your story with a week to spare. - Spend an hour focussed on one paragraph before moving on to the next, the following night. - I reckon, within a couple of months, that special 'writer's eye' will become second nature to you, and edits will be a breeze.



I wish that I knew what those areas were. They sound right in my head, and I re-read the hell out of the story but still I don't get what I am not getting. It is frustrating when I thought that I put together a really fine piece only for it to be average. After submission I saw the transposed word (the inside carcass instead of inside the carcass) but that was the only visible error I saw. I honestly don't know what I am looking for.


----------



## Gavrushka

I know exactly what you mean, godofwine... I spent five years where you're stood now. What changed it all for me? Critiquing the prose of others. - What I couldn't see in my own words, I saw readily in that of my peers. - Editing their work had a massive positive impact on my own. - We read what we expect in our words, but have no idea what to expect in the words of others so are forced to focus...

Judging in this competition has had the biggest impact... One month's judging will be move you forwards far more than a year of entering it. 

IF Fin is willing, I would be happy to stand aside for this month to let you try.


----------



## godofwine

Gavrushka said:


> I know exactly what you mean, godofwine... I spent five years where you're stood now. What changed it all for me? Critiquing the prose of others. - What I couldn't see in my own words, I saw readily in that of my peers. - Editing their work had a massive positive impact on my own. - We read what we expect in our words, but have no idea what to expect in the words of others so are forced to focus...
> 
> Judging in this competition has had the biggest impact... One month's judging will be move you forwards far more than a year of entering it.
> 
> IF Fin is willing, I would be happy to stand aside for this month to let you try.



Okay, thanks. I will do it in June. I already have mine done for May. How does it help when you look back at your own words? Are you given "sight beyond sight" like Lion-O? (not even been snarky, but my mind went to Thundercats and, well, you got sight beyond sight). 

I have amazing ideas. I mean, from the simplest prose I can come up with a concept that is off the charts. Some of them I can expound upon, and 2 of my 4 "novels in progress" were short stories first, and I have 3 more that could be either novels or longer stories. Some I can't, as the one I completed for next month I would need to evoke the spirit of Tom Clancy in order to build that into a novel. I enter the contests to gauge myself on my skill, but keep getting average scores which lead me to believe that I'm not ready yet. IDK.


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## Gavrushka

LOL... yes, it's superpowers! 

What I found is, when reading my own prose, I read what I expected to be there, so transposed incorrectly placed words in my head back to where I thought they should be. - By reading the words of others, looking for errors, I discovered I could read my own words in the same way... It was the first time I saw the lumps, warts, bumps and tumours festering in the midst of my words, as they'd been hidden prior.

Not much more I can add really.


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## J Anfinson

I think the main thing is that for effective editing, you have to learn how to push aside the knowledge that you wrote it and look at a piece as if it were written by somebody else. That's what I try to do.


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## Folcro

J Anfinson said:


> I think the main thing is that for effective editing, you have to learn how to push aside the knowledge that you wrote it and look at a piece as if it were written by somebody else. That's what I try to do.



Easier said than done, of course. More effective just to hand the work to someone else and see if their insight enlightens you. But of course, there are those less-experienced and easily-influenced writers who find themselves in the unfortunate position of handing their work over to a moron. Still, as the great Ozzy Osbourne said, "without each other's help there is no hope for us."


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## J Anfinson

Folcro said:


> More effective just to hand the work to someone else and see if their insight enlightens you.



Absolutely, if you have someone you can trust for that.


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## Folcro

J Anfinson said:


> Absolutely, if you have someone you can trust for that.



If you don't, you're in some trouble.


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## FleshEater

Godofwine; what I've learned in writing entries for this competition is to write the story, edit it, and then sit on it until the day before it's due. The day before the story is due for submission, read through your story again and see if anything jumps out at you.

Hope that helps.


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## spartan928

Folcro said:


> If you don't, you're in some trouble.



The one thing the world will never be in shortage of is people with opinions. Writing is a creative endeavor meant to be shared, and by doing so, you end up with as many opinions of your writing as the number of people who read your work. But they're just opinions and I believe ultimately it's up to the writer to know, perhaps with a lot of experience, the point where those opinions matter. I can't rationalize taking a defensive posture when I ask someone to offer their opinion or critique. The readers perspective is totally legitimate to them and my explaining or defending is pointless. You just take the truth (as they see it) for what it is; their opinion. You're the CEO of your art, so decide if it matters or not then move on.


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## Folcro

What I meant by my comment is that _if you don't have someone you can trust_, you're in trouble. A writer needs to be exposed to these opinions of which you speak so that they can form their own beliefs. It's just as important to disagree with a critique as it is to accept one.


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## garza

spartan928 - I agree (flag: opinion) with what you say except for the use of the word 'art'. I had it drilled into me as a kid that writing is a craft. (flag: opinion) My grandfather told me repeatedly, 'You are an apprentice craftsman. Never allow anyone to call you an 'artist'. (flag: inherited belief)


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## J Anfinson

Folcro said:


> What I meant by my comment is that _if you don't have someone you can trust_, you're in trouble. A writer needs to be exposed to these opinions of which you speak so that they can form their own beliefs. It's just as important to disagree with a critique as it is to accept one.



And that's what I like about the forum. Unlike family, the critique I get here is unbiased and honest, and I've come to find other writers have a much better understanding of what makes a good story than people who only read.


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## spartan928

garza said:


> spartan928 - I agree (flag: opinion) with what you say except for the use of the word 'art'. I had it drilled into me as a kid that writing is a craft. (flag: opinion) My grandfather told me repeatedly, 'You are an apprentice craftsman. Never allow anyone to call you an 'artist'. (flag: inherited belief)



That works for you quite well garza, have to say. I choose to see it as an art because the simple act of writing a sentence has infinite possibility, within or without the architecture of craft. Excellent writing in any genre is an elusive and rare thing. With so many words to choose from and so many craftsmen plying their trade, why so? To me, it just means creating something that someone else never has, and it always happens within the first dozen or so words. So I believe writing is art principally, and craft is one of the means to elevate that art to whatever end the writer aspires. Just my opinion .


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## dvspec

What I am reading in God of Wine's post is a request for specific problems within his story.  Telling someone over and over that they are doing something wrong does no good if you never tell them how to do it right.  He isn't seeing the problems.  If he didn't know he needed a comma somewhere the first 8 times he read it he isn't going to figure it out on his own.  

Be specific.  You need a comma here, because. . . is much better than, you need to work on your commas.

I did a line edit so he could see what I saw and PMed it to him.  

God of Wine, If my edit is an example of what you wanted, post it here, so others can see how you want your critiques.  Also, that allows others to see if they want me to take a look at their piece or think I am to rough for them.  For the record, what I did for you is exactly what I want done for me.


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## Trygve

It seems to me that the thing to do if you want a detailed edit/critique is to post it to the prose workshop. LM judges give their critiques as a favor to the writers and to support their scores. We'll have to substantially increase the judges' compensation if we want a detailed critique for each entry.


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## garza

The Prose Workshop is for the elite who are real fiction writers, of which I am not one. My efforts at writing fiction only began when I joined here. While that may well be the place for godofwine, it would certainly be out of my league. So entering the LM competition is my only way of being sure of getting some useful feedback.


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## bazz cargo

> The Prose Workshop is for the elite who are real fiction writers, of  which I am not one. My efforts at writing fiction only began when I  joined here. While that may well be the place for godofwine, it would  certainly be out of my league. So entering the LM competition is my only  way of being sure of getting some useful feedback.


To expand on Garza's points. The prose and poetry workshops are private spaces where posters can work out of the public eye and so retain first publishing rights. This does attract the more serious writers and be warned, the crit work can be quite ruthless. I will willingly answer any questions on this subject, either here or by PM.

On a personal note, (which strictly speaking I should not share) I have read some of Garza's work and find it of a very high quality.  He has taught me a thing or two by example. 

BC


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## Trygve

I don't know; I have submitted one thing to the Prose Workshop, and I certainly wouldn't consider myself an elite. And the way I figure it, anyone who actually writes fiction -- as opposed to those who just think about writing fiction -- is a real fiction writer. 

As another option, perhaps we ought to form a group called "LM Fiction Circle" or something along those lines. I'd be happy to join and give my own review to anyone who wants one.  When I first looked at Writing Forums, I was really kind of searching for an online writer's circle, where we all pass our stuff to the right, and everybody makes comments or suggestions until their own writing lands back in their lap. Since the LM competition is monthly, we could have just one monthly "meeting" for everyone to post their comments / corrections on the work submitted.  It seems to me that the group function on this site is generally underutilized.  Maybe it's an option.


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## aj47

Okay, my take.  The workshops are for different kinds of people with similar needs/desires.  They're a good place to get serious critique from people who know what they're talking about.  They have the benefit of being private so first rights are retained...I lost a sale because I'd posted something in a non-private place and thus couldn't grant first rights.  That's beside the point.  

Trygve, PM a few folks whom you'd like to circle with and just make a circle.  You can hold it in the workshop area and let other non-circulars respond as well.  I think that's more effective than adding Yet Another Option where one can post one's work.


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## Pennywise

Thanks for the judging..appreciate the critique!!! Though i could shoot the ones who didn't get my story :ChainGunSmiley: ....but I will let go this time ...:tickled_pink:


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## Gavrushka

It may be worthwhile to consider why a couple of the judges didn't get it. When judging, a reader has to pour over words far more closely than usual, so consider the impact on a casual reader who is more likely to miss the meaning.

If you really think it is the judges who are at fault, then all is well and good, but please consider the alternative.

I hope you plan to enter again this month.


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## Pennywise

Gavrushka said:


> It may be worthwhile to consider why a couple of the judges didn't get it. When judging, a reader has to pour over words far more closely than usual, so consider the impact on a casual reader who is more likely to miss the meaning.
> 
> If you really think it is the judges who are at fault, then all is well and good, but please consider the alternative.
> 
> I hope you plan to enter again this month.



I don't think the judges are at fault>>thats why i'm them off ...lol


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## garza

astroannie - First rights for fiction are of no value to me. I might send a story to one of the little literary magazines. I hear that the McRae County, Mississippi, Literary Quarterly is often desperate to fill the next issue. They pay for a story with two copies of the magazine but the author must pay for shipping. That's about the limit of my ambition for fiction. Publishable non-fiction, of course, I don't put on the Internet anywhere. 

The only reason I would post a story in the Workshop would be to get more comprehensive reviews. What I fear is that the standards there are so high that I'll be laughed at and Capoted. (This isn't writing. This is just typing.)

There's a piece I'm rather fond of that I'd like to have reviewed. It's a bit too adult in its theme to be posted in the open Fiction board, and if I could be certain of straightforward critiques I would put it in the Workshop.


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## aj47

I don't do a lot of prose critique--mostly because I don't write a lot of prose.  But when I do...  I don't think people are mean but you have to remember that the better one is at writing, the better one is likely to be at seeing issues in others' writing.  It's not that the critiques are nasty; it's that they see things that the casual reader simply doesn't.  

I think an Author's Note might help if you have specific concerns about your work that you want addressed and not others.

And, garza, I'm not a serious writer either, but US$5 can fund a nice little treat.  So that's where I'm coming from on that.  I don't think all, or most, of my work will be published, but if something is, here or there, I'm down with that.  Also, if a person posts stuff online, there is no motive for readers to purchase self-published collections of it (found this out the hard way).

Not that posting will get you a critique, either.  I have something up in the poets' workshop that I have a target market for but want it workshopped to make sure it's as good as I can make it before submitting.  I've had zero nibbles.


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## garza

I'm familiar with your poetry from my days as Newsletter Editor. That you should have a poem posted without receiving comment surprises me. You are quite the talented poet.


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## Deleted member 49710

garza said:


> The only reason I would post a story in the Workshop would be to get more comprehensive reviews. What I fear is that the standards there are so high that I'll be laughed at and Capoted. (This isn't writing. This is just typing.)
> 
> There's a piece I'm rather fond of that I'd like to have reviewed. It's a bit too adult in its theme to be posted in the open Fiction board, and if I could be certain of straightforward critiques I would put it in the Workshop.


There are no set standards for posting in Workshop at all. Writers of all levels post there. Since you're a journalist, I suspect you have dealt with some harsh editors in your life, and probably nobody in Workshop would compare to that. 

What is a "straightforward" critique, exactly?


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## dvspec

> There's a piece I'm rather fond of that I'd like to have reviewed. It's a bit too adult in its theme to be posted in the open Fiction board, and if I could be certain of straightforward critiques I would put it in the Workshop.



Garza, check out some of my crits and if you are willing PM your work to me.  I'll take a look at it.  Your being a journalist and my being a former cop would give us similar styles of writing.


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## Bard_Daniel

Thanks for the scores guys! 

Glad to have been a part of it all!


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