# Fourteen lines



## Olly Buckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Mountains may crumble and rivers run dry
Continents crash and heave rocks to the sky
Making clouds form which then fall down as rain
Then there are mountains and rivers again
The darkness will come, and night time will fall
Then dawn will follow enlightening all.
The cycles will turn and planets will spin
I am the one that won’t come round again.
Life is different from everything else
Life will change form, and modify itself 
But life means death and passing away,
Feeling and breathing, the ones who won’t stay
Live in the moment grasp at its passing
Pose the questions that really need asking.


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## Riptide (Feb 23, 2014)

form which then fall down as rain-the third line read funny to me, maybe because you're missing a comma or it's supposed to be from?

SOmetimes I think you omit a comma just because but you add them for other parts so I don't really know.

I like the message of the poem, but the ending caught me off guard. Am I supposed to know that question?

I am the one that won’t come round again.- so does that mean human life? So you as a person wont come back because you die? Maybe turning more universal to claim all humans

- - - Updated - - -

form which then fall down as rain-the third line read funny to me, maybe because you're missing a comma or it's supposed to be from?

SOmetimes I think you omit a comma just because but you add them for other parts so I don't really know.

I like the message of the poem, but the ending caught me off guard. Am I supposed to know that question?

I am the one that won’t come round again.- so does that mean human life? So you as a person wont come back because you die? Maybe turning more universal to claim all humans


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Ten syllable lines like that always seem to have a pause in the middle of them, it is a matter of deciding which are significant enough to warrant a comma. I could hear it either side of the 'which', depending how I read it. line seven brings self into it, then eight to twelve are different, because they are about life, and thirteen fourteen the twist at the end with the 'moral' in it. That was how I intended anyway. I was a bit dissatisfied with the rhyming scheme, something a bit more complex with a couplet on the end would have been nice, but it sort of came out that way , "shrug".

It is not just that I won't come back, life evolves, dinasours will never come back as mountains do, we will always be different, looking now I think maybe 'and' rather than but to start line eleven might help.

Thank you for reading, and your comments, the views of others are always enlightening.


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## dannyboy (Feb 23, 2014)

Olly Buckle said:


> Mountains may crumble and rivers run dry
> Continents crash and heave rocks to the sky
> Making clouds form which then fall down as rain
> Then there are mountains and rivers again
> ...




Lovely work Olly, just pushing because I think this deserves it.


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 23, 2014)

I think starting the poem with a six line sentence is a bit much. I got lost at the beginning because of the lack of punctuation. 

I really like the progressive nature of the piece and the thoughts it evokes. But there has to be a better title than "Fourteen Lines".


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 24, 2014)

Too rushed, I should have sat on it for a bit and thought, serves me right, I have been known to be quite sarcastic about the lack of punctuation in poetry. You are quite right, Squalid, it is a lousy title, same reason, I didn't have one until the forum demanded it. I thought of putting 'A Sonnet' but I didn't want the bother of checking if it was iambic, I am still not good at that, lazy, lazy, lazy. I will have a think and see how I can improve it; thank you for reading and the comments guys.


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 24, 2014)

I think it is improving;

Mountains may crumble and rivers run dry;
Continents crash and heave rocks to the sky.
They force up clouds that then fall down as rain,
Lo, there are mountains and rivers again.
The evening will come, night’s darkness fall
A new dawn follows where light strikes the ball.
The cycles will turn and planets will spin
I am the one that won’t come round again.
Life is different from everything else
Life will change form, and modify itself. 
The old becomes new, and passes away,
Our time is short, even humans won’t stay.
Live here and now, catch each moment’s passing,
So many questions need time for asking


Still not fully satisfied, especially with that last line, maybe 'live here and now each moment is precious' for the preceding line and go somewhere else? Still thinking.

Fixed that third line amongst other things, Riptide, I like the up and down in it now. I didn't want to repeat #there at the beginning of the next line, lo is a bit 'olde worlde', suppose I could have used 'look', but heck, why not indulge a little sometimes  I'll see how it goes in a day or two, I still have no idea of a title


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## Squalid Glass (Feb 25, 2014)

I like the edit. Though some of the punctuation is technically off, the piece certainly reads smoother now. I think what's missing in the last line is one syllable. That'll put the rhythm back in line.

The added punctuation really helps stress your caesuras. Rhythmically, it's very pleasant.


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 25, 2014)

> I think what's missing in the last line is one syllable. That'll put the rhythm back in line.


Thanks,that is 'so many' being three syllables in six letters, I think, I don't like that last line anyway, it doesn't exactly say what I want to.

Some things take time, and questions want asking.   Still a bit 'maybe', but nearer.


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## dannyboy (Feb 25, 2014)

what about for answering instead for asking?

The rest is much stronger.


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## Olly Buckle (Feb 25, 2014)

You might have helped me crack it there dannyboy.

Seeking solutions, answering and asking.

Love alliteration. That is two I owe you now, it was reading your poetry got me to join the forum in the first place


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## dannyboy (Feb 25, 2014)

I'll send you the bill....


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## Gumby (Feb 26, 2014)

I like the edit, Olly, you've polished it nicely and got some great advice.


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