# February 2015 - LM - Picture Prompt - Scores



## Bishop (Mar 6, 2015)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS
*Picture Prompt


Many thanks to the judges--your job is arduous and we all know it, and without you, there'd be just us throwing stories at each other. Anarchy! Also to all those who participated: Fantastic stories all around and no doubt you need new fingernails after how long I made you wait for scores. Must just have like... little chewed nubs left. So, without further bad jokes to try and brush under the rug my tardiness...


*Bishop**Folcro**Pluralized**Guy Faukes**Average**Shinyford*1715181716.75*Joshybo*1714171716.25*Astroannie*1515141615*J Anfinson*1910141414.25*Kilroy214*1414131514*TJ1985*15131214.513.625*Emepheral one*13101114.512.125*Dubhthaigh*1210101311.25*Bazz Cargo*121261511.25*Ibb*131081110.5
​*And there we have it!*

Congratulations to *SHINYFORD*! His tale, *SIX CUBITS*, has taken the gold medal.
And our runners up, of course, not far behind:
*JOSHYBO*, with his tale *INNOCENCE LOST* taking the silver,
And *ASTROANNIE* making the bronze with *ENCOUNTER*.

Well. That's my first LM result. Next time, Bishop, get your BUTT in here on time, all right?

*SCORES:*

[spoiler2=Bishop's Scores]Dubhthaigh

The Passage of Time


SPAG: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12


I'm completely lost on character motivation, partly becuse I feel like we get so little character at all to deal with. You spent so much of the word count with clever descriptions that all I got were confusing flashes of strange character interaction. The voice was also off, shifting oddly and giving such vivid descriptors but with little actual substance to back up any need for it. Dialogue wasn't paragraphed in, which was disorienting as a reader. And while the descriptors were good, we needed more story, less amtmosphere.




J Anfinson


No Hands


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19


I'm honestly finding it difficult to criticize this piece. What I felt was beginning as a tale that had been done before, a vingette of sadness turned into something a little more deep. And it surprised me how much I felt it. The ending is what brought it home, and while I will say it does still feel a little like I've read this before, him finding some child-like delight despite the tragedy is something really endearing about a character otherwise interchangable with many fatherly figures. His change, in less than 600 words, was profound. Bravo.




Anonymous


Six Cubits


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17


I definitely laughed, which I think you were trying to accomplish. Funny though the line was, I had more trouble believing "Leg of My Trouser" would actually be spoken of from a commoner to a lord, which is odd because it pulled me out of the story more than I had expected. A nit, I know, but I'm looking for something to pick. Funny, a little ironic, and while sparsly written with a lot of dialogue, it works well. Good job.




Kilroy214


The Lady From Langley


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 14


This story just fell somewhat flat to me. I feel like it was anticlimactic, especially given the rich area of the elder former Nazi. His part in it was beautifully built, and then it just came to nothing but a short hit. Wham, bam, done. I didn't like how the first two paragraphs were out of time, it didn't seem to serve the story any special way, and it just jarred me a bit.




Joshybo


Innocence Lost


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17


Heavy stuff! Brave of you to put into the LM, for sure. Good characterization, if they aren't 100% unique. You fleshed them out in a believable way, and weaved a good tale. I like the ending image, but, think it would be more powerful ending on the last line of dialogue in the story. Move that to the end. Other than that, aside from the impact of the events itself, I wasn't moved all that much--but the realism and heaviness do have their own value. Well done.




TJ1985


Evening On Bailey Street


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 15


TJ, not a bad piece. Competent writing, some solid characterization. Thin on imagery, but forgivable given the word count. The issue is, and it's a very ineffible thing, but it just didn't push me over the edge. It was heartwarming, and I find it hard to take off too many points for my lack of moved-ness, but I feel like you're capable of more, as well. A solid piece, but still a bit lacking.




Anonymous


Big Events


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 13


I'm really not sure what the connection is here. For some reason, I think of it being like... kidnapping a girl to make her be a cheerleader from the football connection. I don't really know what to think, the beginning didn't seem to connect to the end much, other than luring the girl in, to a purpose I'm not clear on. I had some emotional regard for the girl, but it was muddled by not knowing much of anything of her fate, with my only real hint being football.




Emepheral One


Betwixt


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 13


I was a little bored with this piece. All right, maybe it was just some cliche nature to it. The office drone, undervalued, unloved, bored with life... it's been done a hundred times. The story is written in an almost summation format, pulling my attention away from any action as, until the very end, it seemed to be a straight vingette of the average woman. I didn't know enough about the main character to see why she would suddenly do what she did, and in the end, she never said a word, had a face, or did anything to indicate her personality--so I didn't have much emotional impact.




Astroannie


Encounter


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 15


Expertly written in so many aspects, but I didn't see much of a story. The title suggests it well, a quick encounter. Maybe there was more too what she was trying to say about their intentions, and I merely missed it in my twin reads, but it fell somewhat flat in that respect. So, while a great image, a great encounter, with great writing, I felt like I needed a bit more tension, conflict, or resolution to really get pulled into the tale. Still, loved the prose.




Bazz Cargo


Ritual


SPAG: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 12


I must admit, it felt more like a short free verse poem than it did a fiction tale. It could be that this level of microfiction is just something that fully elludes me, and if that's the case, forgive me for the low score, but I was simply too confused to really get a grasp on what the tale was trying to say. Prose was short, tight, and ultimately far too brief to get much out of. And I again would say that it might be my own ignorance making this score low, but I felt what I felt.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Folcro's Scores]The Passage of Time
Dubhthaigh


Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Total: 10


I'm very much enjoying the choices you make in your descriptions; the execution could at times use a little truncation---


The little blonde girl looked, at first glance, like a bed sheet caught in a gale: Is it important that she is blond? Is it important that she only looked this way at first glance? What's wrong with "The little girl looked like a flying bed sheet"? Be careful with your opening sentences.


She pelted along the cobblestone path wearing just a man’s white work shirt: Strike "just"; your description of the shirt coming down to her knees is enough to show me that she isn't wearing much else.


but her heart fell to her bare feet: Some will call this a clever way of infusing description with action, but I find it forced. What's more, you've described her enough as it is. The picture was painted in the second sentence. Trust me: we already know she's not wearing any shoes (This is testament to your writing). Furthermore, heart falling to feet is a cliché--- I would just cut the whole line.


“Theo?” she whispered to the emptiness as she rested one small hand on the graffiti which adorned the cold wall of the brewery: Did this have to be one sentence? Always see the word "as" as a red flag.


I’ll bring you away from here, from all this, just be at the Arch when darkness falls, the echo of his promise rang hollow in her mind: Make the italicized text its own paragraph. As for your description of what I'm reading, once again, we're more than capable of putting it together.


Sobbing, Bridget turned and walked slowly: Is there another way to walk? Perhaps you were looking for a word like ambled, lingered?


his voice was the same soothing flow of notes it had been last night as he sat at the corner of the bar while her father had served the patrons, and himself: This could not be broken into more sentences, but did you need all that detail?


Bridget took a step backwards, more out of shock than fear for her own safety: Some things do not need to be spelled out.


“My name is Theo, this is our daughter Fiona. You and I have been married ten years”: What?


Bridget sighed with contentment as he lay writhing silently on the ground and slipped out of her dress: What was he doing in her dress?


“I know someone who’ll pay a good price for you”: What?


There was good description here, but everything was rushed at the end. I had no idea what was going on after the break. It seemed like a simple revenge story, but now she's going to sell the little girl? Why? Shock value? There was nothing in Bridget's character to suggest that she would do this, but a big part of the problem with this story is that there is not much to suggest of Bridget's character at all. A bad thing happened, then she did a bad thing to the person who did the bad thing to her. That's it. There was no emotion to it, just a vapid rundown of two events with some decent description to hold it together.


In the plus column I can see, in those hints of articulate description, you are capable of much better.




No Hands
J Anfinson


Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 2
Total: 10


The burn of the whiskey felt good going down, but couldn’t dull the ache in his heart: Save this for later, or find a way to show instead of tell. Nothing slices and dices atmosphere like exposition.


He turned the corner and slowed to a halt: Technically, "halt" has the same denotation as "stop", it's just a different language. But there's a reason we use both in our language. When I hear "halt" I think of stopping without slowing: a sudden, well, halt. It sounded to me like you avoided use of the word "stop" to make the sentence stand out. It did, but not for the reason I think you intended.


Between the two buildings was a short skywalk: I have an odd problem with this word: the length of the skywalk is dependent on the distance between the buildings, which you already described as forming an alleyway. You might have emphasized the distance between the buildings, but either way I think the sentence is fine without the word "short".


The glass reflected the evening sun, casting a blinding light back at his eyes: The evening sun against the glass blinded him.


His son couldn’t be there. He was dead: There would have been much more effect without this explanation. Even if the audience can't figure it out by this point, which I think most can, they will in the very next paragraph.


It didn’t stop the memory from playing before his eyes: Again, this feels explainy. I see your fear of the audience not getting whether the kid is really there or not... but do you really see that as a bad thing? Still, the fact that he sees this boy yet is interacting only with his whiskey bottle should be evidence enough.


still seeing Billy as if he were alive: Dude.


Three months ago he had looked out from the glass above, while the surgeon had tried to remove the tumor: Yes! See, this is where you can start to let on, if the reader hasn't figured it out (but fine if they did) that the boy is no longer alive. At no point up until now does it matter how sure the reader is.


hanging upside down, his arms stretched to the earth and his hair hanging over his eyes: Over his eyes? As in above (though it would technically be beneath)? Might have sufficed to say "his arms and hair stretched to the earth."


When the tears had slowed: I don't like this... for one, tears aren't a nose bleed; they don't just stop. They hurt, stick to the eyelids, blur the vision. This was passive, breaking immersion.


...laid his palm on the painted steel. Despite the weather it didn’t feel cold at all. He wondered if Billy was keeping it warm: No, it's probably the paint. Takes a thick layer to stick to steel.


Billy waved, then turned and began to fade: Well did he fade completely? Because I have an image now of a half-faded ghost boy.


You did a lot right here: the technical aspects were crisp, and the syntax flowed well. My problems lie more with the vision and storytelling. A story like this, to make it truly emotional, yearns for subtlety; Show and barely any tell. Trying to read this, trying to feel empathy, I felt you right behind me prodding my ass to make sure I didn't misinterpret anything. It actually became insulting. No matter how many writers a story has, it only needs one reader. So back off.


There was an entry last month, I believe it ended up belonging to Guy Faukes, who brilliantly conveys the same emotions you are trying for here. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it. If you have, I would recommend another read.




Six Cubits
Anonymous


Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 15


The architect, audibly, drew breath: So... he gasped?


“We do not,” the Caliph said. “It does not please us. Our cup runneth under. Captain Chuffed has left the building. In short…” – and he fixed the architect with a Very Hard Stare – “…we don’t like it.”: The end of this line might have been a little funnier were it not redundant.


“That’s what I…” the architect began, but the Caliph kicked him: Not to sound like the Caliph, but I would do away with this line: it seems to serve only to remind me that what I'm reading is funny.


“There aren’t any leopard-skin sofas, oh Light at the End of the Tunnel,”: That was actually fucking funny. Note the difference.


“About six cubits, oh Leg of my Trouser,”: Again, very funny.


You do something early on here that I liked, and then you stopped about halfway through: You kept the wordiness to the Caliph. Later on, it spilled into the narrative.


The wordiness served to make the Caliph look pompous, while the word choice and sentence structure of the architect was simple and submissive, that of the Caliph's wife forceful. It gets a little mixed up with sentences like The architect wilted, envisaging the possibility that he may be the first across the charmingly tinctured, delightfully velvety, ultimately fatal bridge. Like the story entire, this sentence has wittiness to salvage, but more than one unnecessary word.


There is a lot to like here, and I did. It's not utterly brilliant yet, but it can be.




The Lady from Langley
Philip James


Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 4
Total: 14


The door to the café swung open and bitter wind cut his face: One can but admire effective efficiency--- this is an excellent way to begin a story.


Looking out through the window, he saw his target appear — Gustaf Harrman, in the flesh, exiting the building across the street: Close call here: I would have gotten rid of the word "appear".


He stood and dropped a few pesos on the table then: Not as close a call here: strike "then".


Like most of that weekend, it wandered back to her: Oh, I smell a flashback!


She pulled a folder from under her arm and handed it to him: Nitpick time: This guy is a trained assassin. That folder she is holding is the reason he is there. Would this folder not have been the first thing he noticed when approaching her? Maybe she was just that pretty.


I actually though I was really going to hate that flashback. I really did not.


A .380 auto, huh? They are small, I suppose. But can they penetrate bone like the 9mm? Well, I'm really not a gun expert, but I am wondering why he waited until now to screw the silencer on. Assassination is like photography: you need to be ready for that perfect moment. The basic things, like the f-stop and aperture should be more or less in place while you wait for that perfect pitch. Well... I'm not an assassin either... or a photographer. I guess I just like to postulate on things I don't understand to make myself look smarter. Just make sure you do your research the more detail you feel you need to go into.


Why did he need to get the old man's attention before shooting him? He seemed to really want it. That sounds like a personal thing, unless this guy enjoys the fear before the kill.


Robbery gone bad, he thought, happens every day: You forgot to add "just in case you wanted to throw a dart at the plotline, audience." This explanation, and it was an explanation, was not needed.


Suppressed though they were, the reports echoed like thunder in the narrow alley: Again, I'm no expert but... really? Does a silent weapon produce the noise to make its echo sound like thunder? Why use a silencer at all then? Maybe he should buy one instead of making them?


"Just following orders...": He should have said that with a German accent.


The story was very routine, the only thing that seemed to make it unique from this guy's run-of-the-mill jobs was this little crush he had on the woman, but even that seemed like nothing more than a run-of-the-mill crush. It wasn't enough to give this story effect. If the events are routine for the main character, chances are they are going to feel the same to us.


That aside, you're an excellent writer. Not sure why I don't see more of you.




Innocence Lost
joshybo


Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 14


labored breaths: I'm not as big an opponent of clichés as most critics, but don't put them in your opening paragraphs. Best blend them in when the story is in full flow.


she felt the baby moving somewhere deep beneath her heavy coat and thick sweaters: And her flesh too, right? Probably. This sounds like a way of describing the event from Greg's perspective, not hers.


he instructed, feigning confidence: How about just "He feigned confidence"? I can already see that he's instructing her. Hell, I can see that he's feigning confidence, so why say anything?


Her breathing quickened and she struggled to maintain her position against the beating of her heart: Eh?


the words gagged across his lips: What?


"Baby" sounds more natural to me than "babe." Instead of his calling her both, bow bout just sticking with "baby"? I like it though, it's sort of symbolic.


...the breath might leave her lungs completely, never to return: You could have said as much with fewer words. Ex: the breath might leave her lungs forever.


She braced herself against the wall at her back, planting her hands against the pavement before managing one final, brutal push: And the baby went straight into the pavement.


Erin breathed a massive sigh: You were using pronouns the entire paragraph. Why the sudden switch?


still aching from the effort: Well... yeah.


retrieving a pocket small knife: Even if what you meant to say was "small pocket knife", which I'm sure you did, one of those words is made obsolete by the other.


“What do I do?” Greg begged of Erin: Two things would have made this line (much) more effective. One: it's own paragraph. Two: no dialogue tag.


“I...I don't know,” she answered through her weary throat. “Is...is it a boy or...”: This is a great line. Not knowing what else to do, Erin acted as people do in every movie or show or book about childbirth she's ever seen.


“You said you didn't want to know,” Greg interrupted: Oh, is that what Greg did?


Our parents would kill us. The past six months have been hard enough: Just in case you were wondering, audience, why an unmarried couple might not want to keep a baby (though I am wondering why she didn't just flush it out beforehand?)


she listened to the sound of her child's voice punctuating each pause in her words: Another excellent line.


A few feet from the entrance, though, they realized they couldn't hear anything above the dull roar of the busy weekend traffic: Gem number three.


Now, it shouldn't surprise me that these two characters are not the brightest pair of headlights on the street, but why hadn't she had an abortion? I didn't see anything that might have hinted it (note that I said hinted, not explained). Why doesn't Greg just take the baby to a church and say he found it? Why not make an anonymous call and say he found a baby while taking a walk? And if they're so cruel as to leave it for dead, why not just kill it there? Well, that was a little extreme, but there are still a few loose ends here that I'm not quite ready to chalk up to stupid, panicking teenagers. They've had months to plan this. And did her parents really not realize she was pregnant? And don't point back to that "six months being difficult" line, if that's what you were using it for. Not nearly good enough.


And watch your dialogue tags.


Good writing. The story... not quite as effective as I believe you can get.




Evening on Bailey Street
TJ1985


Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 3
Total: 12


Sixteen hours she'd stood there in the cold air: Strike "there".


The cart permit was ten pounds per day, so again she was working at loss: I can count 


You spent the next couple of sentences talking about her financial problems, even going so far as to name the Landlord we'll never see. If you ended by explaining that her job ran her at a loss and jump straight to Tramp Row, that would have been smooth and easy to understand.


I'm confused: obviously this story takes place in England as per the currency, and you write dialect well... so why is it only with her? The narrative sounds American, even though it is through her perspective, but her voice sounds English. Struck me as a bit odd.


Maureen smiled as ideas ran through her head: ...such as?


I liked this for the voice. The story wasn't very active. It was more like a scene than a story. It lacked plot, which you can get away with, but it also lacked character development, replaced by explanations you didn't need.


I want to know what this guy's motives are: will he rape her? Will he kill her afterwards? Is he just a nice guy?


Does she suspect anything? Is she suppressing suspicion out of desperation? Is she going to rape him? Answering these questions will set you on the path toward a story.




Big Events
Anonymous


Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 10


They exited out of the cafe onto the street: They exited the cafe.


He had never been a wit, nor particularly clever: Those two different things sound very similar.


She laughed, startling him: Skittish, isn't he?


He replaced the phone inside his pocket: Why do you have to say this so eloquently?


She told him of her family: It seems the only reason you are telling this instead of showing it is that you needed the space--- usually a sign that a certain story might not work in this particular format.


held and reflected in the snow: Pick one.


Smog sputtered from its exhaust while it idled contemplatively besides the curb: Is this a philosophical van?


Two men of indeterminate age and handsome appearance stepped out: You can see that they're handsome, but can't begin to guess their age? Why is that even worth mentioning anyway?


The door slid shut as he followed behind the two men: This sounds like he's chasing them on foot. You need to make it more apparent that he's in on this, albeit reluctant.


like an uncle offering a nephew solace: Is he the boy's uncle? Seems like a random analogy if not.


What really got in your way here was the flowery writing. It wasn't called for here (granted, it is very rarely called for). 


Not much happened. A bad kid helps kidnap a girl, then what? Were you trying to capture the transition of an innocent kid going bad? What is motivating him to go bad? It isn't malice, and it's clear he's not a sociopath, so is he desperate? No indication of that. Is he pressured? Well, apparently his accomplice is like an uncle to him so I'm not seeing that. 


Truly, I think something like this will work on a much larger scale. As it is, it does not.




Betwixt
Ephemeral_One


Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 10


Entwined like lovers after a violent tryst, Michelle couldn't tell where one ended and the other began: What exactly was entwined? Michelle? It seems like a dangling modifier. And where one what ended?


The last sentence of the first paragraph was overkill. Nobody's feeling sorry for your character yet. We need to see a bit more before all this poetic description looks like anything more than pretentiousness.


I was going to say the same about the second paragraph, but that seems to be the foundation of this story. You start each paragraph with a sentence about what is actually happening, then you go into description of what the character we don't know yet thinks about it. It seems to me you are relying on a reader who is exactly like this woman. That's fine, to an extent, but you need to breathe some life of your own inside her too, instead of jotting every clever 40-something-year-old lonely woman line you can think of.


What held my interest, something you may want to consider, is: is the world around her really as she perceives it? Is her boss really married for nothing more than polishing his knob? Is he really incompetent? Or is Michelle just so pathetic that she creates these realities out of hatred for the world? That might make a very interesting character.


In a word: give us more action, things going on, and be more subtle with Michelle's outlook on it. Instead of one sentence of action and a paragraph rant, give us a paragraph of action and a sentence, a whisper, of what's going on inside her head. At least in the beginning (assuming you plan on doing something more with this).




Encounter
Astroannie


Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 15


Excellent, excellent opening paragraph. You give me variety, instead of a fountain of long sentences and a host of SAT vocabulary. You weave it in, mixing long sentences with short, throwing in a question, sentences of differing structure, all assembled with coherence and flow. Immediately, I feel life in your voice. Very well done there.


These pennies I used as seeds to grow my income: I liked the attributing paragraph without this line. The analogy was forced. Clever, I suppose, but that's undoubtedly why you wedged it in. Anybody who knows the first thing about good writing can already see you know what you're doing. Don't push.


You might have given more effect--- connecting this character to his environment--- by mentioning that, were this a lady of the night, he would have probably recognized her.


“Why do you ask?” She sounded surprised, as if I’d caught her in some indiscretion: It's also rare to find a writer who knows their way around dialogue tags. Again, great work.


This was some absolutely fantastic writing. Balanced, subtle (for the most part) and very beautiful. I wanted badly to read more, about your world and characters.


I think you could have done with more atmosphere: description of the world around him and perhaps, in small doses, what he thought of it. Is it a bleak world; is this a bleak story? What is the society like? Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself, but witnessing talent like this ignites all sorts of possibilities.


In short, I wanted to see more. Not much story here, but there didn't necessarily have to be if I had more character and atmosphere. Nonetheless, I wouldn't mind seeing more of you around here.




Ritual
Bazz Cargo


Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 12


Crime: teasing me with the notion of a boy's ten year-old body being beaten without showing me a ten year-old's body being hammered.


Sentence: a stroll through Damnation Alley.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Pluralized's Scores]1.Dubhthaigh
“The Passage of Time”
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 6
Overall: 10


This story confounded me and didn’t do a whole lot to satisfy my story-itch. It was like too much energy was expended on details we didn’t need, and that didn’t add much to the narrative. There were times I really thought it was going somewhere, since the voice was mature and somewhat sophisticated at times, but the sloppy editing poked holes in that balloon before it could take flight. Too many SPaG mistakes for a competition entry: mainly comma usage, dialogue punctuation, and sentences ending without periods.


I also found it confusing following the little blonde girl, whom I presumed to be less than ten years of age, whom we’re thinking is Bridget, not Fiona, but then she somehow knows the burn of whiskey and the red-headed girl at the end made it even more confusing as to who’s who. Found it jumbled and disjointed, I guess.


The switchblade stab was a nice twist though, and I liked the creepy tone and atmosphere of the piece overall. Just not enough meat on the bone for this reader. Hard to enjoy characterization when you keep wondering who’s who.




2.J. Anfinson
“No Hands”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14


I enjoyed this. A melancholy tune, unfortunately played on only two or three registers. The darkness in his heart is apparent, but the story drives directly to the cliff and dumps everything into the abyss, without any sparkling of hope at all. I think it’s fine to do that, obviously, but maybe paint the walls along the way a bit more vibrantly and use all your words.


Couple of pluperfect glitches early on, and a boring cadence to the narrative that didn’t have enough spice to bring my palate out of its slumber. I sort of wish this had shifted POV into the little boy watching Daddy do the unthinkable at the end, ending in the little boy’s self-blaming and confusion. That, my friend, would have garnered a much higher score. 




3.Anon
“Six Cubits”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18


Wonderful tone, especially when the architect is addressing the Caliph. “Oh Light at the End of the Tunnel,” indeed. That was hilarious, and I liked this story a lot. Found it to be jarring when describing the little fella’s height in feet and inches, but maybe that’s necessary with modern narration. Would’ve thought it a nice way to tie up the weirdly abrupt ending with the notion of a measurement in cubits.


So I get the point, I think, that they’ve been wasting all this energy on upholstering and painting and the bridge’s appearance, but not focusing on the stuff that matters. So well done on that score, and I think there’s something in the notion of ‘Six Cubits’ that relates to biblical lore or something I’m too ignorant or dense to get. If so, forgive me. Still enjoyed this immensely and thought the back-and-forth between the characters was fantastic.




4.Kilroy214
“The Lady from Langley”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13


Good job with the actual assassination, that was handled well. The dialogue was good and natural, though I got a tiny bit confused about who was talking just because of the long stretches without identifying who was speaking. The problem, I think, with this story as a whole, is the lack of context and flow. A little bit of narrative capital spent on exposition would have gone a lot farther down the path of understanding, and the end of the second paragraph muddled things in my head. Like some kind of POV bust, ‘it wandered back to her.’ – I thought we were in Massey, a man’s, POV.


“Harrman” is a weird one. I’ve used “Harriman” in stories, and there was a Harriman Road near where I grew up. Not anything you can do about that now, but name choices can also affect the atmosphere.


As to flow, I was reading and backing up and re-reading some sentences to make sure I understood. I have a very vocal inner reading monologue that voices words as I go, and things like “Rumor around the sandbox” and “Suppressed though they were,” just throw my mind’s tongue into a knot and it affects the speed at which I absorb info. When I’m focused on the writing, I forget about the story. That’s why a fast-flowing narrative can more effectively suspend disbelief, and I argue that story doesn’t always trump writing. They have to be symbiotic.


Overall, good subject matter, decent execution, less than complete and comprehensible plot arc.




5.Joshybo
“Innocence Lost”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17


Disturbing stuff, well told. I really applaud the use of the prompt here, and your narrative rolls along nicely. It’s dark, sad, and the characters communicate on a wavelength that doesn’t quite jibe with abandoning the baby, but I mostly believed it.


The birthing itself, and her long sigh at the end, that was all a tiny bit contrived. Make her scream through clenched teeth and writhe a bit, and I’m there with her. As is, it’s kind of blandish.


Flow interrupters here and there: the ‘pocket small knife’ seemed incorrect, and the use of ‘hesitated intimidated’ was a bungler. Also, ‘Greg begged’ screwed up the narrative a bit too. But being picky is what you pay me for.


Good writing, sad story, very effective and mostly clean editing. Liked it.




6.TJ1985
“Evening on Bailey Street”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13


Well, it’s definitely unique and mostly clean, and the story goes places which I liked. Something happens. That’s important – almost too easy, though, like we don’t get any conflict and this fortuitous thing just happens. So the arc is short, though I have to acknowledge how successful I thought it was in conveying the gratitude and easing her out of this life of selling crap food on the street.


The voice seemed contrived and the choice of food was a screwy deal, selling all those varied, weird things like donuts and kebabs and tacos. Can you imagine the different dishes, fryers, and ingredients to pull that off? The choice of pounds/pence made me skeptical when I read about donuts and them going for coffee at the end, though it’s whimsical enough that it probably is just me being overly cynical. Nice work overall, imaginative and the writing’s pretty darn good. Lots of hyphen faults, and a few places I wondered at comma usage, but not enough to get down in the weeds over.




7.Anon
“Big Events”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 3
Overall: 8


Sometimes the word count can get the best of a promising tale, and I think this might have been a good example of where you have to do more with what you’re given. For instance, much of the prose felt bland, descriptions weak. “The sound of their shoes” or “The light of the sun” are fine, I suppose, but nothing special. Want to pack a punch in 650 words? Vary your words a bit more. I say this as someone who’s never won the thing, but I think between the pedestrian vocabulary at work here and using up so many words on the SeaFalcons thing (which was clever enough), there was a bit of a wasted opportunity to give us a better, more memorable story. As is, I’m kind of ‘meh’ about it from front to back. Sorry.




8.Ephemeral_One 
“Betwixt”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11


The ending was effectively dark and sad, the lead-up to that was all over the place. I think this existential angst she’s experiencing is worthy of focus, but my attention perhaps was forced too strongly onto Martin in a search for contextual atmosphere. A few spag glitches (It’s vs. its, tabacco vs tobacco, sagging vs shagging?), otherwise pretty good. I like the word choices, enjoyed the tone.


Not sure I could recall the key points of this story twenty minutes after reading it, though you almost had me locked into it when she crashed into the wall and ruined her jacket. Wouldn’t suspect a ‘lorry’ would be a viable commuting option – part of my problem with this story is the faux-English voice that I’ve noticed a few people trying to adopt with this prompt. Weird.




9.Astroannie
“Encounter”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14


Felt like the end was some kind of dangling clever thing that I didn’t get, so that affected my enjoyment. Not using a hundred words in something like this seems criminal, because there were so many things that needed fleshing out. The more ground you can cover in flash, the better overall ‘story’ satisfaction we get at the end. Not a ton of ground covered here, despite a nice premise with mostly clean writing. I wondered at things I shouldn’t have, which is a red flag for not being fully immersed in the story and focused on the logic. Like smelling “Stale Beer” (nice one) and knowing it was a man and woman walking together – makes for the blind person telling this tale to have some seriously perceptive powers, but presumably the street would be full of smells and noises that would make that sort of sensory perception tough. But whatever – that’s what makes the story, so well done. It’s consistent in tone, which helps, though there just isn’t any one thing that struck me as ‘special’ as I read it. So, it’s okay overall, fits the prompt, but doesn’t take me deep enough into that world.
. 




10. Bazz Cargo
“Ritual”
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 1
Overall: 6


Not sure why someone would enter a flash competition and write just a few words – it doesn’t feel serious, so I don’t feel compelled to judge it seriously. At least it has an error (peddle vs pedal) so I have something to tell you…[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Guy Faukes' Scores]Dubhthaigh
“The Passage of Time”
SPaG 3.5/5 
Tone 3.5/5 
Effect: 6
Overall: 13


First, though it doesn’t affect score directly, the formatting is a bit jarring. Spacing out the lines would make the piece seem less “blocky”. 


There were some nits, G&S errors/awkward phrasing:
“She pelted…” – she was pelted (otherwise she’s the one hitting or throwing something)
Bellow - below
“Sir[,]” said Bridget…
“his voice was the same soothing flow of notes it had been last night as he sat at the corner of the bar while her father had served the patrons, and himself" – that’s a mouthful and the “himself” at the end is a bit confusing. Was the father serving himself, or the man in the corner? This could probably be divided up into separate sentences. 


“… hand flew out like a dog on a chain…” – nice visual 


Theo’s voice is a little strange. At first, he sounds childish and unorganized, but then immediately becomes villainous. 


I think this could use a bit more subtlety. For instance, you try to demonstrate Bridget’s innocence to the reader by describing her eyes shining like moons, which seems somewhat cartoonish. Also, a lot happens rapidly here but I feel nothing is really embellished. 


Overall, there were good bits of imagery here and there and I liked Bridget’s little twist at the end.




J Anfinson
“No Hands”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 3/5 
Effect: 6
Overall: 14


I don’t know about this piece. There were quite a few nits: 
“drawing him [in] as it did every night,” –unless it’s literally drawing him
“Evening sun” – but it’s night time
“Three months ago he had looked out from the glass above,” – wee bit awkward. Perhaps “he looked over from the glass above”?
“hair hanging over his eyes” – but he’s upside down at this point. He must have some beastly facial hair or side burns at that age. 
“But if Billy was right, then it was okay to let go” – I understand that this is to set up the double meaning, but it’s strange that a grown man doesn’t know how to suspend himself upside down on monkey bars yet.


Overall, this was an interesting entry. It had some good and not-so-good moments, yet the core premise, tone and structure were oddly familiar.




Anonymous 
“Six Cubits”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 4/5 
Effect: 8
Overall: 17


I loved this entry: light, humorous, playful with a hint of slapstick while just gracing upon darker subjects. It’s like a Monty Python skit.


“One can’t have enough puce,” – Yes, yes one can


I was trying to figure out where you were going with the British yet also Muslim themes as if it were some sort of bizarre, alternate universe where Islam had converted the governing royalty or if it were some critique on modern relations with British Muslims. It makes for an interesting backdrop, nonetheless. With a great use of the prompt, bits of sarcasm and political humor, it’s very well done. 




kilroy214
“The Lady from Langley”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 3.5/5 
Effect: 6.5
Overall: 15


One thing really irked me about this piece but wasn’t reflected in your score. 
“… his mind began to wander...” – what sort of hit man starts daydreaming about he got the contract? Sure, it’s an old man and he’s not going anywhere, but what if he did?
“Agent Massey, how did the target escape?”
“Well, sir, the woman that hired me was a hell of a dame and I got distracted, see. Couldn’t stop thinking about those thighs all week, hubba hubba.”
I jest, I jest, of course. 


There were interesting themes like killing off Nazi retirees in Argentina (and having a killer line whilst doing so), insightful bits of how a homemade silencer is constructed, and smooth dialogue. I also like lingering effect of the ending. There were a few tropes (just following orders, staging it as a robbery, alluring dame, etc) that did not aid your score, but overall, it was a tidy spy/covert op piece.




joshybo
“Innocence Lost”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 4/5 
Effect: 8
Overall: 17


Very dark, much like other works I’ve seen by you. 


The prose is solid and you captured the nuance of panicked dialogue very well.


“intimidated by the new life squirming on the ground in front of him,” – geez, he didn’t even bother to pick it up as it came out? 


I think there could some characterizing hints for her character as there were for his. Giving birth is, of course, a very messy and traumatic event, so I feel that her physical condition and both of their states of mind could have been a bit more jarred. 


It’s not a complete original premise, but it was a well crafted nice snapshot of the horrors of bearing children out of wedlock. The ending was gripping; it left me wondering if they contacted anyone or left the infant to die from exposure.




TJ1985
“Evening on Bailey Street”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 3/5 
Effect: 6.5
Overall: 14.5


She’s selling donuts, kebabs and tacos all in one stand? Well, no wonder she can’t sell enough; she probably has an enormous inventory (for the stand) just sitting around getting old. 


The way he said “Well, you’ve got other skills” along with the name of the street had me expecting a completely different exchange between the two, if you know what I mean.


“One seventy five and seventy five p: I’m a fan of…” 
I actually stopped and wondered if you put an emoticon right there. 


I think it could be strengthened by embellishing how difficult and vulnerable she is working on the street like that. We aren’t really immersed in her hardship, so when things turn around for her, there’s no real emotional swing. It goes from a semi-negative tone to a really positive one. Still, it’s a neat, happy story. Well done.




Anonymous
“Big Events”
SPaG 4/5 
Tone 3/5 
Effect: 4
Overall: 11


Apparently this picture seems to evoke at least thoughts about human smuggling, as this is the second entry with this theme. 


The prose and formatting gets a pretty choppy at points:
“They walked on.” – that’s what we call a placeholder sentence that just pushes the plot along. There are quite a few of them. 
“You have many friends?” – strange way to continue a conversation


It initially had a sort of “50 Shades of Grey” feeling to it, with her being an open, innocent person who places a strange amount of trust in him for some strange reason. Then it devolves into an abduction piece with an extraneous, and almost tedious, point-by-point conversation about football at the end. 


This piece feels rough and preliminary. A few more revisions might have drawn out the plot better.




Ephemeral_One
“Betwixt”
SPaG 4/5 
Tone 3.5/5 
Effect: 7
Overall: 14.5


It had a nice flourish at the beginning and I liked the grainy, "warts and all" straightforwardness of the piece. 


There were some some minor nits: 
Tabacco – tobacco
“army of mornings” – awkward word choice, as it denotes a lot of similar mornings, but they only come one at a time
Deli – Delhi?


Overall, it was a nice cross-section of the modern woes of living on a dead end job and having little to call your own. The ending was a nice twist. Still, I felt like slapping her for taking out her circumstances on herself in such a manner.


Write on. 




astroannie
“Encounter”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 4/5 
Effect: 7
Overall: 16


This was a delicate piece packed with the nuances of successful begging in what I presume is Victorian England or America? 


I suspect your craft is a touch sharper than mine, so I can’t give much more than superficial suggestions when it comes to word choice or phrasing. 


I think a piece like this needs to pack in a few more subtleties to create the necessary atmosphere to really reach the reader (more flourishing of the society and streets, more insights into his “occupation”, more characterization of the trio, especially of the grumbly husband). It’s like a bowl of flavourful broth, where it a lot of body to constitute a filling meal. 


But overall, it was an enjoyable short. Write on.




bazz cargo
“Ritual”
SPaG 5/5 
Tone 3/5 
Effect: 7
Overall: 15


Last but not least, coming in right in the nick of time with a very short entry is the one and only Mr. bazz cargo. 


I really liked the prose. A lot is concisely said to great effect, although I’m not sure about the middle paragraph. It is expositional compared to the rest of the piece and breaks tone. The very last sentence sort of just sticks out and I wonder if it could use a bit more flourish to firmly implant the idea that he’s suddenly and fearfully wondering if ghosts were on this midnight run. 


Still, I enjoyed this flash piece. Well done, sir.[/spoiler2]


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## J Anfinson (Mar 6, 2015)

Congrats to Shinyford!

I should have kept editing mine. The judges make some great points. Thank you.

And Folcro-- I'll be sure to read that story. I can't remember offhand if I did.


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## joshybo (Mar 6, 2015)

Congratulations Shinyford!  A well deserved win here!

And my sincere thanks to the judges!  The critiques are the main reason I even enter these contests. Solid suggestions all around and I seriously appreciate the time and effort you all put into your feedback.


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## aj47 (Mar 6, 2015)

Way to go Shiny!  Congrats!   

Thank you, judges.  Bish, you too. 

Seriously, I almost had more of an ending ... but I had a time problem.  I was overwhelmed with obligations and weaseled this in sideways.  I tried to put something in a few times, but couldn't make it "work" so I chopped it.  That was probably unwise (there's a saying a mediocre <foo> is better than none).  Still, I appreciate your kind words of encouragement as well as your pointing out my flaws.  I may not be back every month, but I intend to do this again.


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## TJ1985 (Mar 6, 2015)

Congratulations to everyone, excellent efforts by all. And I'd like to thank the judging crew as well, excellent work.


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## Pluralized (Mar 6, 2015)

Shinyford -- Congratulations on the win. Great story, enjoyed it. You've got a way with witty banter -- don't ever change.

Joshy and Astro - nicely done, carry on and sally forth and tally ho.

Thanks Bishop for taking porks and forks and torch-sporks like a champ. Like my ol' gramps used to say, "If'n ye caint git here on time...git here when ye can." Nice job on your first LM score thread -- a lot of work and never enough glory. Thanks for doing that. Salud, mazel tov, and gesundheit. 

Onward to March's theme, "Bundersnugging Pork-Forkery!" ....wait, er -- something about fairy tales. We have GOT to get more funky prompts.


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## kilroy214 (Mar 7, 2015)

Congratulations to my fellow writers, especially to Shiny, Joshy, and of course, AstroAnnie.

I would like to especially thank the judges as well. I think these have been some of the most helpful critiques I've recieved in a competition. My hats off to you.

Good luck to everyone in the LM's to come.


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## shinyford (Mar 7, 2015)

Gosh, thanks all! It was a fun prompt, with some great entries, so all the more chuffing to win.

I realised just after submitting that I'd written the wrong story - it should have been about a dastardly Caliph building a Bridge of Sighs, and a Health and Safety official insisting he make it safer, with the 'max height' sign the final compromise. But I'm glad it worked for people as it stood.

Folcro, your observation about the wordiness creeping into the narrative is a good one, and I intend to learn from it. Many thanks to you, and to all the judges for their comments. 

And congrats too to Joshybo and Annie, and all the entrants. 

And on to the next one!


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## bazz cargo (Mar 7, 2015)

Congrats to the winning trio, close points there, well done to the competitors, thanks and apologies to the judges, my entry was subject to lack of time so it was a darn sight shorter than intended.

Great stories, great judging and a porkfork fest, what more could I want?


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## Ephemeral_One (Mar 8, 2015)

Congrats to everyone and thanks to the judges!

All I can say about that piece is that it was heavy handedly inspired by me recently re-reading the Catcher in the Rye for the first time in years.


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## Dubhthaigh (Mar 13, 2015)

Thanks Judges!


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