# Imminent momentum



## Pursuit (Jul 21, 2015)

*Imminent momentum*


Distant past always holding heat.
         Burning edges, seem to leap.
         Glowing timber--consumed.

Dreadful tears absorb the air.
         Unstable pillars, crumbling chair.
         Murky waves, finally--doomed!

 Emissions, of chasing locust.
         Plaguing earth, whom to notice?
         Insidious soul, apparently-- loomed.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 21, 2015)

Cool.

Nice colors.

Wait, I said something like that to you on your first poem. Well, guess I like the font choices.


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## Pursuit (Jul 22, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Cool.
> 
> Nice colors.
> 
> Wait, I said something like that to you on your first poem. Well, guess I like the font choices.


 LOL you liked the font colors more than the poem itself haha


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

Pursuit said:


> LOL you liked the font colors more than the poem itself haha



In this case. Yes.

But I do like something about the post. And ya know what. It makes it stand out in the sea of black and white (well, this forum is tinted green, but you know what I mean)

Forgot the rating.

6.5/10


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## Pursuit (Jul 22, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> In this case. Yes.
> 
> But I do like something about the post. And ya know what. It makes it stand out in the sea of black and white (well, this forum is tinted green, but you know what I mean)
> 
> ...



Thanks for your feedback ^^


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

Pursuit said:


> Thanks for your feedback ^^



Thanks for thanking me for giving you feedback.

I think technically we are off topic here, but it is hard to tell ^^

Well, not really, the content of this back and forth is weak, but it is about the post.

Right on.


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## Pursuit (Jul 22, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> Thanks for thanking me for giving you feedback.
> 
> I think technically we are off topic here, but it is hard to tell ^^
> 
> ...


 Its numbers just like your signature lol


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## Firemajic (Jul 22, 2015)

Pursuit... I loved the imagery and the feeling of impending doom... sooo, well done! Thanks for a cool read... Peace... Julia


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## Schroeder (Jul 22, 2015)

What a wonderful piece. I hate to copy from firemajic, but I feel that the atmosphere is deserving of two comments. 
Also, I very much like your style. If that's a good way of saying what I'm trying to...


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## musichal (Jul 22, 2015)

Pursuit said:


> *Imminent momentum*
> 
> 
> Distant past always holding heat.
> ...



Forgive me for changing your font colors for my copy, but my old eyes get blurry and the colors don't help that any.  I liked the first stanza.  The second - derived no meaning there.  The third was fine, except for "whom to notice?"  Seemed forced to rhyme.  'Who is to notice?' might be better.

So I think it could use a little more work to live up to its potential.  My two cents.


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## Darkkin (Jul 22, 2015)

_Cue the clueless metaphor girl_:

The first stanza, I like.  Second stanza is where I get lost, it is more legible in musichal's quote.  While coloured fonts might be fun, they can make things difficult to read for some people.  If you are going to use a coloured font try to stay consistent.  

That being said, how are tears able to absorb the air?  Logically, this doesn't quite work because tears evaporate when they come in contact with the air.  Look at the verb tense.  Next line, crumbling chair, the pillars I get, but the segue to chair is a little abrupt, trying for the rhyme scheme, instead of letting it flow.  There are a plethora of words that could carry the weight of the scheme, something as simple as e.g. Unstable pillars, sentinels to no where.

Third stanza, better, more cohesive, but locust should be plural, locusts.  Watch you tenses.  Line two, whom to notice.  This is lumpy, again, it seems like you're trying to force the flow.  Close, but not quite there.  Keep it simple, e.g.  Who will notice?  Third line, Insidious soul, big ominous, I like it.  Apparently, remove the adverb, because there is nothing apparent about that insidious soul; it came completely out of nowhere.

Overall, this piece has potential, but you need to go through it line by line, look at the logic behind some of the metaphors, do they make sense?  Your rhyme scheme is solid, but consider your word choices.  Read this piece aloud, is it logical, how does it feel as it rolls off your tongue?  Focus more on content and a little less on the font and colour.

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom.


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

You've got the tone. Imminent momentum is an excellent concept. It reminds me of the way sickness is so often a launching pad; you're not well yet, but you can feel something stirring. 




> Distant past always holding heat.
> Burning edges, seem to leap.
> Glowing timber--consumed.





> Dreadful tears absorb the air.
> Unstable pillars, crumbling chair.
> Murky waves, finally--doomed!
> 
> ...




I don't care for coloured font, and I'd rather you did away with it. "Burning edges seem to leap," do away with the comma after burning edges. The same for the commas after Insidious soul, and emissions. I understand that you want to impose pauses or staccato into the rhythm, but you shouldn't use flawed grammar to do that; it comes across as lazy/slapdash. There are many other ways you could achieve the same effect, and they would all have the benefit of not destroying meaning for your reader in the way that the current grammatical choices do.

What you have here is a collection of images fitting a theme, but there is no connection between them. That's a shame because the imagery is sufficiently interesting, and as I said above your theme and tone is great.


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## Nellie (Jul 22, 2015)

I agree with others, please do away with the colored font. It distracts from the poem itself. There is something in your distant path, in your soul, just below the surface, that is wiggling inside you, wanting to be heard. So tell us more about it.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

Nellie said:


> I agree with others, please do away with the colored font. It distracts from the poem itself.



This is how people think. 

Look at the same thing over and over and... *sigh* over again. 

When you see something different, don't look at it from a different point of view, but express that you think creativity should be limited for the sake of sticiking to formula.

 I take things at both face value and for what lies beyond the surface. At face value, the mix of 3 colored fonts is something that maybe has never been done on this forum before (I say maybe because I have no way to know for sure, but it's possibly the first). There is incredible value in being original and thinking original even if the result is not that great. Because next time, you have a frame of mind that is more flexable than "poems should not be colors, okay, automatic black and white mode or... I will change everything to one color. That's safe! People don't mind that! Let's not try something new... no no. That is not what a creative art like poetry is for!"


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## musichal (Jul 22, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> This is how people think.
> 
> Look at the same thing over and over and... *sigh* over again.
> 
> ...




Give some of us as bit of a break, and the benefit of the doubt.  Older eyes don't always track colors well.  Also, I have seen color used several times in this forum, and have even done so myself once (Pyramid Shadow).


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

Mesafalcon said:


> This is how people think.
> 
> Look at the same thing over and over and... *sigh* over again.
> 
> ...



Perhaps I should have explained why I don't like coloured font, but I didn't view it as the most important criticism of the poem. The biggest problem is that the colour doesn't add to the colour the imagery already evokes; it only has the potential to detract from it. The first stanza is a good example. Fire isn't red, but the red font actually competes with the image of seared edges and glowing timber. 

Ultimately, the quality of the writing creates the colour in a poem, not gimmicks. Which is not to aim any great criticism at Pursuit but to reasonably explain why coloured font is counterproductive. Being flexible is about examining your own choices and the choices of others and being objective as to what works and what doesn't. If you think the colours add to the content of the poem, then you should be able to explain why.


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## Firemajic (Jul 22, 2015)

I don't think the poet needs  to explain anything... JMO...


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

Patrick said:


> PerhapsI should have explained why I don't like coloured font, but I didn't view it asthe most important criticism of the poem. The biggest problem is that thecolour doesn't add to the colour the imagery already evokes; it only has thepotential to detract from it. The first stanza is a good example. Fire isn'tred, but the red font actually competes with the image of seared edges andglowing timber.
> 
> Ultimately, the quality of the writing creates the colour in a poem, notgimmicks. Which is not to aim any great criticism at Pursuit but to reasonablyexplain why coloured font is counterproductive. Being flexible is aboutexamining your own choices and the choices of others and being objective as towhat works and what doesn't. If you think the colours add to the content of thepoem, then you should be able to explain why.



Okay, first of all, yes, everyone knows fire is not actually red... but it is symbolically accepted as red or orange (it's actually closer to a yellow-white,right?). So if you can agree with that, heat for red, blue for waves, and green for earth was the point I gather? I don't need much more than that to enjoy it,plus the fact it is not something you see every day.

I was not sure if you were asking me to explain why I like the colors and think they work or the OP should? If meant for me, I simply like things that break the monotony of life - or to stay on topic for this forum specifically, the monotony of seeing the same colored text all the time. 

Sure, Nellie's advice might be best for the greater good of becoming a better"poet": drop the colors. But, it's best to try and look at things from all different angles, isn't it? I will take the angle that I like the colors (and I do).


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> I don't think the poet needs  to explain anything... JMO...



Nobody has an obligation to explain. My point was and is that you should be able to. It's my job as a writer to have good reasons behind my choices. If I don't, I am just a bad writer. I am not accusing anybody of being a bad writer, but if what I've just said is true of anyone, then the solution is to simply think through his/her choices in future. This is the basis for editing your work.


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## Firemajic (Jul 22, 2015)

Deleted by Firemajic.


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

I don't want to get into a debate over that; this conversation is moving into a wider discussion of literary criticism and is no longer about Pursuit's poem. I don't think that's very fair. I explained why I don't like coloured font in response to Mesafalcon. My thoughts are Pursuit's to consider and act upon or ignore.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

Patrick said:


> I don't want to get into a debate over that; this conversation is moving into a wider discussion of literary criticism and is no longer about Pursuit's poem.



Isn't that what forums are for? To debate things.

This is on topic due to the fact that the nature of the conversation directly concerns the OP.

If we never debate, we learn less about ourselves and how others percieve things and end up with kind of "yes" or "no" type comments.

*I bet Pursuit loves it. Look at all te attention he is getting!


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## Firemajic (Jul 22, 2015)

Patrick is right. This is NOT a debate . This thread is about Pursuit's poem, which I enjoyed reading.. thank you Pursuit .. for posting your work... Peace.. Julia


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## Sam (Jul 23, 2015)

Let's get this back on topic, folks.


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## McJibbles (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi. Don't care about the colors but thought your rhythm was very cool and original as well as your rhyme scheme. I'm usually spot on for interpretation, but I don't think I understood your message (if there was one, if you just want to be abstract and vague sometimes, that's totally cool). 

Basically asking: Double Rainbow, what does it mean?


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## rcallaci (Jul 23, 2015)

Fire-Water/Air- Earth- I like that you merged air with water-ah this calls out to the pagan in me. The four elements - An apocalyptic treat- the rhythm and rhyme is quite sweet- enjoyed - loved the colors -red blue and green- what is the color of air? Sky-blue-water-blue -excellent poetry... 

my warmest
bob

ps I like the colored font. it does not detract it enhances.


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## Pursuit (Jul 23, 2015)

McJibbles said:


> Hi. Don't care about the colors but thought your rhythm was very cool and original as well as your rhyme scheme. I'm usually spot on for interpretation, but I don't think I understood your message (if there was one, if you just want to be abstract and vague sometimes, that's totally cool).
> 
> Basically asking: Double Rainbow, what does it mean?


 The message was suppose to be encountering a situation which causes trouble. I intended to write it in a way thats abstract yet paints a picture.


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## Apex Predator (Jul 26, 2015)

Dreadful tears absorb the air.
Unstable pillars, crumbling chair.
Murky waves, finally--doomed!

I think that's one of the best written poetry stanzas I've read in a long while. :smile:

Furthermore, I notice how each of the final lines within each stanza all rhymed with one another whilst having a similar beat... Well done! I've always felt that the greatest poems are ones in which genuine time and effort were spent to wrought them.


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