# Wind   *language*



## MrTickle (Sep 15, 2017)

Hey guys, I haven't posted here for a while, this is a piece of flash fiction I knocked out recently. Thank you for the read 

You can be a lazy fucker and get away with it, trust me. I saw a guy, a lazy guy, who always mowed the grass verge by the underpass, but he never collected the grass cuttings. Why do they do that? It’s like cutting your hair and then telling the barber you actually want to take your hair home in a plastic bag just so you can plop it back on top. So anyway, this guy leaves his trimmings and I fucking say (out of my car window as I’m driving), “Look, its still all there!” I would put a tasty c-word in there in there but I’m moving so fast I don’t want to slow down. So anyway, I see one day as I’m driving back after slaving in the sweat glass cup of my office block all day - losing money on all our burger joints because some patsy at ground level decided to spit in a Cluckin’ Luckies beef burger – a fucking car cutting me up, so I sped up and tried to overtake him in the underpass, next thing I saw was that I couldn’t fucking see at all because all this grass was blowing on my windscreen so my arms and hands go loop the loop with the wheel until gravity stops me. 

Next thing I’m being chopped out of a car while big shot over there with his fucking garden fork was getting interviewed by all the local journalists. And the three men in the car that overtook me were being handcuffed and put into the back of a cop car. 

All you need is the wind in this life.


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## Chinspinner (Sep 15, 2017)

Hi, 

Sorry if my first point is pedantic but...

"It’s like cutting your hair and then telling the barber you actually want to take your hair home in a plastic bag just so you can plop it back on top." No it isn't. That is false equivalence. It immediately bugged me. It is only alike if he took the grass cuttings home and spread them on his lawn, otherwise there is no similarity here. 

"I would put a tasty c-word in there in there but I’m moving so fast I don’t want to slow down" - What? are expletives on the clock these days? What? 

Ok, I'll stop being pedantic. First off, I found your MC slightly irritating. He struck me as someone who thinks he knows a hell of a lot more than he actually does, and has the audacity to be unaware of it. That is fine if I am supposed to dislike him, but I think I am supposed to like him. Frankly, he reminded me of that small guy in school who talks big to compensate i.e. annoying. 

I can't really get passed that, sorry, I really disliked the MC.


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## Jay Greenstein (Sep 16, 2017)

> I couldn’t fucking see at all


I'm afraid you're going to have to explain the difference between that, "and I couldn’t see," Seems to me that if you add in words that are juse in the line without contributing to the meaning thay accomplish nothing but to make the story read more slowly, and thus reduce the impact.

Remember, only you can hear the emotion in the voice in your head as you read it. So take all the meaningless words out and the only thing that happens is that the eye doesn't trip on the clutter.


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## H.Brown (Sep 19, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Hey guys, I haven't posted here for a while, this is a piece of flash fiction I knocked out recently. Thank you for the read
> 
> You can be a lazy fucker and get away with it, trust me. I saw a guy, a lazy guy, who always mowed the grass verge by the underpass, but he never collected the grass cuttings. Why do they do that? It’s like cutting your hair and then telling the barber you actually want to take your hair home in a plastic bag just so you can plop it back on top. So anyway, this guy leaves his trimmings and I fucking say (out of my car window as I’m driving), “Look, its still all there!” I would put a tasty c-word in there in there but I’m moving so fast I don’t want to slow down. So anyway, I see one day as I’m driving back after slaving in the sweat glass cup of my office block all day - losing money on all our burger joints because some patsy at ground level decided to spit in a Cluckin’ Luckies beef burger – a fucking car cutting me up, so I sped up and tried to overtake him in the underpass, next thing I saw was that I couldn’t fucking see at all because all this grass was blowing on my windscreen so my arms and hands go loop the loop with the wheel until gravity stops me.
> 
> ...



Hello MrTickle when I was reading this at first it read like you were having a rant, you label it as a piece of flash fiction, however to the best of my knowledge flash fiction does has a word count of 1,000 to 3,000 words. While this is a nicely written paragraph it is too short at 276 words. You give a nice snap shot of action and I would be interested in seeing this small section grow into a full-length flash fiction piece. Keep writing.


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## Jack of all trades (Sep 19, 2017)

This doesn't really draw me in. Some guy gets so mad at how the landscape guy is doing his job he crashes his car? So much of the focus is on the driver that he seems to be the main character. The big problem is -- I don't relate to or like the main character. Now if the main character was a bystander, then maybe I would be drawn in more.


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## MrTickle (Sep 20, 2017)

Thank you for the feedback guys. I understand there are problems with this piece and your feedback has shed light on that! 

It it was just a bit of a muck around piece anyway, cheers.


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## MrTickle (Sep 20, 2017)

At the end of the day this was just a simple story of a guy (the driver) getting mad with people not doing their jobs right. For instance, the gardener who leaves grass cutting on top. But the irony is that his grass cuttings stopped a crime in progress. I apologise I did not make that clear at all at the end, even though for some reason I thought I did lol. 

Also, the MC isn't likeable, why does he have to be in a story that is ironic?


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## Jack of all trades (Sep 20, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> At the end of the day this was just a simple story of a guy (the driver) getting mad with people not doing their jobs right. For instance, the gardener who leaves grass cutting on top. But the irony is that his grass cuttings stopped a crime in progress. I apologise I did not make that clear at all at the end, even though for some reason I thought I did lol.
> 
> Also, the MC isn't likeable, why does he have to be in a story that is ironic?



The chances of a reader reading the whole thing increases when the MC is likeable. It's that simple. If you don't care about it being read, then why bother to write it.

I got that the driver thought the other guy was doing the wrong thing by leaving the clippings. There is another school of thought, which is the clippings belong on the ground to compost and feed the grass/weeds. 

The MC probably distracted everyone from the crime aspect.


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## Jay Greenstein (Sep 21, 2017)

> Hello MrTickle when I was reading this at first it read like you were  having a rant, you label it as a piece of flash fiction, however to the  best of my knowledge flash fiction does has a word count of 1,000 to  3,000 words.


Flash fiction is mostly under 1000 words.


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## MrTickle (Sep 21, 2017)

I've read many novels with unlikeable characters, let alone short stories. And considering this is flash fiction it doesn't take much reading to finish the piece so if the reader does not like the character, it hasn't exactly wasted their time. 

The point of the story is that he isn't likeable and that he is bitter. But in further drafts I will add that he donates to charity and that he grabs the tomato soup from the top shelf for his old mother.

I never said about caring whether it is read or not. I will re write this story, it was only a first draft, but thank you for the feedback it has certainly helped in developing this piece!


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## Jack of all trades (Sep 21, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> I've read many novels with unlikeable characters, let alone short stories. And considering this is flash fiction it doesn't take much reading to finish the piece so if the reader does not like the character, it hasn't exactly wasted their time.
> 
> The point of the story is that he isn't likeable and that he is bitter. But in further drafts I will add that he donates to charity and that he grabs the tomato soup from the top shelf for his old mother.
> 
> I never said about caring whether it is read or not. I will re write this story, it was only a first draft, but thank you for the feedback it has certainly helped in developing this piece!



You're missing the point.

Readers don't owe you anything, including their time.

A disliked main character may prevent a reader from finishing a piece, even one as short as this. It might be keeping you from getting more SPaG related reviews, too.

What you do from here is up to you.


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## Kreegen (Sep 23, 2017)

Honestly I'm gonna say it's not bad. If you were to add some dry humor, then the main character can be a pompous person and still be likeable. 
Think someone Neil Gaiman would write about. It doesn't take much to make a character go from arrogant jerk, to loveable sarcastic guy. 

As far as the style, my main suggestion would be don't end things so abruptly. But again, flash fiction, so I get it. 

As far as the cursing, I know others were saying take it out, but to me it adds realism. People cuss constantly, so, if that's who the character is, then keep it. 

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## RBD (Feb 27, 2018)

This is really good!


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## RBD (Feb 27, 2018)

I'd ease back on the "fucking" in this one. I loses its effect after a while.


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