# May 2014 - LM - The Conversation - Scores



## Fin (Jun 2, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Conversation


We’re missing a judge for this month. Let’s hope all is well. I found a replacement, though. Didn’t have to look too far. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, *Gavrushka*, *Folcro*, and *danielstj* for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**Gavrushka**danielstj**Fin**Average**Bishop*1716.5201817.87*Arcopitcairn*1716201817.75*dvspec*1716171716.75*Pluralized*1416181816.5*stormageddon*1318201516.5*garza*1417171716.25*spartan928*1317161715.75*kilroy214*1714.5141715.62*”An Emotional Roller Coaster” by thepancreas11*1414191315*Pandora*916.519.51414.75*InstituteMan*915.5191514.62*PiP*1315.5151314.12*Dictarium*1514121514*EmmaSohan*1115.5151413.87*Kepharel*1216.5141313.87*Ephemeral_One*121314.51313.12*Greimour*1314.5131213.12*Pidgeon84*714201113*W Goepner*10131810.512.87*godofwine*1015.75131212.68*apple*1116.5101312.62*T.S. Bowman*1314121112.5*Erik Fantasia*612.5999.12*theglasshouse*N/AN/AN/ANADQ

In first place, we have *Bishop* with his entry *The Conversation.*
Just missing first, we have *Arcopitcairn* in second with his entry *Red Brick Dream.*
And in third, we have *dvspec* with her entry *Unsupervised.*




Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

Masqeurade
Greimour

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13/20*

Good prose, though your grammar could use some work--- the first period could (should) have been a semi-colon or a colon. Missing a comma in a few places.

*Despite everything it seemed quite appropriate. What better place to meet a self-proclaimed terrorist:* Only one of these sentences was necessary.

*Looking around the bar, Dorian struggled to find the man he was there to meet:* If you choose to keep the sentence of "Self-proclaimed terrorist," the underlined here can go.

*Dorian Holt: *I don't understand why the reference to Dorian Grey, but I really like this name.

*"The directions you had sent over": *This line puts a little too much emphasis on the exposition, makes the dialogue less natural. "Your directions" would have wrapped it up nicer.

*"As I said in our email correspondence...":* Same problem here. The idea is to avoid lines that scream "Did you get that, audience?"

*Unsure how to reply...:* I didn't find this necessary.

*Nodding in understanding: *"Nodding" is fine on its own.

*A half-crazed madman: *This sentence needs work.

So the story hit a brick wall, as is often the case when a word count limit is involved. It made me feel a tad ripped-off. Your potential in prose is staggering, burdened only by technical flaws and a flowery tone that could easily be stripped from your true form. An experienced writer experimenting with something new is what I saw here. I would like to see more of you.


Kill it & Grill it
Spartan928

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 4
*Total: 13/20*

I feel there should have been something in between "Keep the ridge in your sight" and "Can I ask you something Jeb?"

Not much to complain about here as far as prose or dialogue. A few more descriptions among the talking heads would have been nice. But the dialogue itself was smooth and believable, saving you from what irked me the most.

...It was painfully obvious.

Maybe it's because I'm familiar with Richard Connell's work, the "twist" fell very flat. But again, the smoothness of your writing has saved you.


Unsupervised
dvspec

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17/20*

The opening two lines are genius.

The closing two lines are genius.

My only complaints about the inbetween are that I occassionally lost track of who was speaking, but I'll go ahead and blame myself for that.

Very rarely is the "talking heads" a servicable approach to me, but without even telling me what the circumstances are, you give me everything I need to figure out what is going on in the conversation without breaking the natural flow of it. And all of this is in the imagination of a slack-jawed retail employee. This is the mark of a remarkable writer.


Yes, sir. No, sir. I don't know, sir.
Dictarium

Grammar:5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15/20*

Good establishment at the onset, though I think you overdid it with the "Fix that lamp" line--- it seemed out of place; even the otherwise lucid and believable tone of the dialogue was hindered by this "just-in-case-you-didn't-figure-out-this-was-an-interrogation-yet" wedge.

I have a feeling there are nuances to this seemingly straight-forward piece that I'm not picking up on--- I can see the darkness in between the bright parcels of information.

One thing that irked me was the tone: as it is well-written, there is only such an extent to which I can penalize you, not to mention my suspicion that there is more to this story than there seems. But it resounds to me like a script written for a black and white noire, which I rarely find believable, albeit stylistic... Or perhaps I'm confusing this for the tone and words of a terrible liar.

I'm not sure how to feel about the phantom interrogator. Not taking points away, as it is a style I've never seen (aside from a telephone call) and am therefore intrigued by, even if I don't fully understand it.

The information fed throughout the story kept me interested, hungry for payoff. In the end, I didn't see enough connections to draw a conclusion. But I'm willing to blame myself for that.

Once again, you leave me curious.


Lorenthair's Return
W. Goepner

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 10/20*

The conversation read as though I had walked into it midway, which may have been your intention. But as such, I found it difficult to get into and follow it. The game of pronouns you play doesn't help. You need not take so long to establish a mystery, as you do so just fine in the opening three or four lines: the mystery of what the heck these guys are talking about--- a mystery that does not seem to evolve until at least halfway through. Everything until that clarity means nothing to me and is easily forgotten (unless you expect readers in general to read your work twice--- don't think that that).

Even at the end, pronouns that mean nothing to me are replaced with names that mean nothing to me, coupled with abstract exposition that asked more questions than it answered. This might have looked better attached to something grander, but I was left wondering what I had just read.

Overall, it's average. The creativity shows and the potential for you and this work is there. But again, I don't think there is enough for a self-contained work.


Arf Arf Arf Barked Barkey
apple

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 11/20*

Although the misspellings are clearly done on purpose (...right?) your prose suffered from missing quotations (...*or when someone says 'hmmm'.*)

The basis of the story is that the girl's a moron and doesn't have a very good relationship with her friend. I feel you could have cut a lot out about her teacher in favor of a little more development for Molly. A few descriptions, facial expressions.

These strike me as two who have known each other for some time. It occurs to me that Molly should almost be used to this by now, that she should be at a point where she hasn't quite given up on the friendship, but her enthusiasm is waning.

For example:

*"Really? Did he see that new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, uh, what's the name? The one with a lot of cussing in it. It was nasty, but he was cute."*

might have been better as...

"Really," Molly kicked a rock out of her path. "Did he see the new DiCaprio movie?"

Perhaps make it look like Molly is the one being uncaring _at first_. But then we learn why.


The Chat
kilroy214

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
*Total: 17/20*

Efficient writing in the opening line, though I might have left out the detail of from where he got the book exactly, as it bogs the sentence and bares no relevance to the story.

*"Mike's meat shack! You stab it, we slab it!"* Tack this onto the first line, so I know right away James is saying it.

*"...Mr. Napier was fine with us all being partners on the science project."* A nitpick here, very borderline for me and I won't deduct points for it, but watch your expository dialogue--- the characters should be speaking to each other, never the audience. It might sound more natural here for Sarah to have said "Mr. Napier was fine with us all working together." This way, it can still be deduced that she is referring to something school-related (mainly by the "Mr. Napier"). Any more specifics we need we get a few lines later.

*"Cool." He said, turning a page:* Try: "'Cool,' he turned a page."

*She sighed audibly over the line: *Well, of course it was audible. And I already know they're on the phone. How about: "Her sigh came through the line with static, barely audible."

I would like to add that I knew right away why Sarah was sighing. You have a talent for making characters feel alive--- I could sense that very early on.

*"Maybe," he finally said:* Had there been a pause? Maybe mention his studying the picture before this line is "finally" uttered.

*"Yeah, like what would you see if you were inside a perfectly spherical mirror.":* I think my inner stoner just had an orgasm.

*"Umm... excuse me?" she said, taken aback: *Part of what I love so much about this piece is the bond these two seem to have. They are not close, not yet, but seem to enjoy stealing glances at one another across the distance between them. It seems to me, though, that she knows him just a little better than this. It seems to me that, if Sarah had misinterpreted James's request, it would have been taken for humorous, to which I feel Sarah, given her personality, would have replied with silence (and narrowed eyes, if it could have been seen).

This is a simple story about a simple conversation between two ordinary people and you made me love it. With so little to work with, you built an entire relationship in my imagination. The little things said so much, and I felt the tension pulling these two young people closer. You are a remarkable storyteller. And I cannot wait to stumble upon your works a second time.

...Don't make me take away points for careless typos again. That is all.


The Conversation
Patrick Bishop

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
*Total: 17/20*

The writing is smooth and eloquent without being overly flowery; it makes me forget how irked I usually am by present-tense narration.

*"I was just walking home from the jewler's see?" *Without a comma or even a period between "jewler's" and "see?", it makes me hear Esther as a mobster.

*"Sure, baby, I see. How'd it happen then?"* *I ask her. She gestures to that curvy body of hers, shows me the bruise under her breast: *"I ask her" can be done without. What follows (she gestures...) should be in the same paragraph as the following line.

Think of paragraphs as your spotlight. For the most part, one person at a time.

*Gotta look good for a lady, you know, Jack?:* It's Folcro.

*"My fiancee, Johnny,":* This makes it sound like Johnny is the fiancee. Confused me a bit at first.

*"What kinda state's a man's groin in after a heal-breakin' hit?": *Similar to my state of mind after all those apostrophes.

To close, let me begin with your style:

It reeks. Pure 1950's. I feel like Frank Sinatra was singing the dialogue to me. You absolutely nailed the style. It had me a little confused, given the well-established period of this work, that a woman would so easily confess to what she plans to do with her fiancee and her underwear, but all that made sense real quick.

Which brings me to...

Many micro-fics lean heavily on a twist ending that either hits or misses. You did not lean. You were doing just fine. Your story was stylistic and clear.

And then dat ending.

Awesome. So many implications came of it. At first we are filled with the creeps. But then we realize that this is just how this man does his job. He breathes life back into the victim to reconstruct the event. And then we see that this is a man who probably suffers horrid dreams every night of his life to bring justice to the wronged and closure to the families. And what started out as creepy becomes beautiful. A rock solid work... minus a few comma issues.


Hank, He's Just a Kid
Pluralized

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14/20*

*They think I'm stupid because I'm three: *I would strike this line and let his mother say "Hank, he's only three years old."

*"You expect too damn much, I think,": *One of these has got to go. (Probably the "I think," considering this spineless buffoon lost a child before).

*Trills... booms... tweets...:* Doesn't anybody _say _anymore?

*I'm catching every other word, filling in the gaps. Shitting?:* Just to make sure we're on the same page, this child has mastered the conjugation of "to lay", uses words like "incessantly" and "ravenous abandon" and narrates like a cynical cop who lost an eye in Vietnam yet hasn't stumbled on "shit"?

*The next morning...:* A sudden transition. Did he ever get to sleep?

*I'm sitting up already...: *New Paragraph.

*He lights a lantern...:* New Paragraph.

*Me holding onto his shirt...: *With this kid's grammar, I'm surprised he didn't say "_my_ holding..."

*"Boy, I hope you've brought your balls today.":* That was kind of funny. I think it should have started a new paragraph, along with "we stop in a flat-bottom section..."--- It would smoothen the sequence and isolate father's line, making it more effective.

*...but its lungs are filled with blood:* I'm all but done questioning the unbelievable precocity of this kid, but how does he know this?

Take this as you will: I'm not sure you're equipped to write from the perspective of a three year-old. It was the only real misstep you made. The prose was solid, even if the pacing was a little off; the atmosphere was there and to be honest, I enjoyed Hank. I was almost hoping he'd off this Danny-Devito-in-a-crib. I didn't buy the kid, and didn't much care what ended up happening to him.

It rises above average for the atmosphere, the prose (even if it is out of place) and the touch of humor to Hank.

I presume this was something of a black comedy. Social commentary of some sort?


Kathmandu 216
Pidgeon84

Grammar: 2
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 7/20*

*She tried to direct her hatred toward her many times in vain just to make things easier: *What?

*Having seen every inch of planet Earth, Janet had friends all over the world, including the leader of the Tibetan Revolution: *What about the Libyan Revolution? The Somalia Revolution? The Egyptian Revolution? The insurgencies across Africa and the cartel overlords of Mexico? Are we going to learn what it was about the Tibetan Revolution that drew Janet in?

*"Do you remember the first time we met?":* I guess not.

*"My best days are getting on that plane with you...": *Did she mean "going," or "leaving"?

*She said with a vulnerable voice: *How can a voice be vulnerable?

*It would be like punishing the world's cutest dog: *I suppose we can't have that, but what if the dog peed on the couch?

*They had seen the news. It was bad:* Wouldn't it have been a better idea to start with this, instead of smacking it on the end?

This needed to be longer. The nature of their conversation hit too many notes in such a short period of time. The whole Tibetan affair was phoned-in, something that would fit better climaxing at the end of a story instead of encompassing its own story. Had you started with and focused more on the tension of the threat, struck the laughing and the reminiscing, just made this about two silent lovers watching the news in an airport of silent people, their bodies still but their minds ablaze, I would have taken them and their relationship seriously.


Red Brick Dream
Arcopitcairn

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17/20*

I could see the first paragraph, at least the first sentence, written on the boards of Oxford to exemplify how to catch an audience. Your description is sharp and shocking. The only thing I would have changed, simply for melodic purpose, is remove the "the" in "the red skies."

*...Very aware of his heartbeat: *A might cliche. The second paragraph entire contrasted to the first in an uncomfortable way, like jumping from Vonnegut to another adolescent house party flick.

*"Which? Screw or line up for the dose?" *Personally, I'm tired of lines that exist only to prompt the other character to say "both". I think both lines can be skipped. The suggestion to actually face death should come from her, not be prompted by he.

But I still can't help but admire the efficiency of your writing. You say much with few words--- a skill often ignored.

Description of the park: Gorgeous.

*Mouth full of adrenaline:* Eh?

Normally, when a story leaves me with questions, I find myself annoyed and feeling ripped-off. That is not the case here. Of course, this, as entries so often do in this particular contest, will work better attached to something larger. But in a strange way, it finds itself working as it is. Perhaps a spark to the imagination--- a moving work of art to get the mind moving. I can't put my finger on why it works, but it does.


The Apprentice Philosopher
Kepharel

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12/20*

*Coal fire spitting and flickering it's cheer throughout the four corners...:* Almost sounds like it's setting the room on fire. And speaking of fire, watch your apostrophes--- they're also dangerous.

There are a lot of people stuffing that warm cozy opening paragraph there. Are "the missus" and "Nanna" the same person?

The fact that the main character is male cleared things up a bit. It might be fitting to include that earlier (unless "the missus" is a term used exclusively by men, I'm not admittedly familiar with English dialect).

*Upturned, solemn, expensive little face: *I would strike "expressive."

*"...why do some people get horrible diseases?":* How does she know it's a horrible disease if she just learned Nana wasn't born disabled?

*"I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even think...": *Well shouldn't you, like, _know_?

It's a cute little tale, though I'm not right certain what to take from it. The girl is believable, charming, inquisitive, grandpa seems nice enough. It was an average experience for me.


Untitled
Erik Fantasia

Grammar: 3
Voice: 1
Effect: 2
*Total: 6/20*

Is "bliss" an adjective?

*My emotions playing tag:* Is this your way of saying your emotions were switching quickly? What emotions? I see only bliss.

*Her voice was like silk, or a light coating of snow upon deeply green grass: *What does silk sound like? And would the grass have to be green? Would snow falling on purple grass sound less sweet?

*My tongue was stung by the bee of cowardice:* I really hope this guy dies in the end.

*Maybe I wouldn't have made a flood with the tears of regret:* These really aren't working. They seem like parodies of themselves.

*And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be on top of this tower of cowardice:* It's a tower now?

One thing about flashbacks--- if you must write a flashback--- I need to know what's going on now in order for me to understand its relevance. And those last two lines... I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. You can't just say "Oh yeah, that girl you know nothing about? She's dead now" and expect it to have an impact. The language was all flowers with no real style. You leave me nothing I can hang my hat on, and this one turns out to be a dud. Come back stronger in the next round.


Untitled
T.S. Bowman

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13/20*

I'm curious why you opted for present-tense here. Even though I don't personally prefer it, I can understand why certain scenarios are perceived to demand it. Nothing here shouts "present-tense" to me, and I'm sure it's harder to write (it certainly is to me). No penalties or anything. I'm just curious.

*She knows they'll have to leave once the job is done:* I was just about to question why she'd think to sit tight after a bank heist when I came to this. Good save.

*For a fleeting moment, she wonders whether he'll come with her to where she plans on going?:* Strange as it may sound, I really like this line. It's eloquent enough, but there's a dark uncertainty about it. Helps keep me interested.

So are they leaving before the heist or after? Both? Why?

Cute twist at the end there, but it seems a little tacked-on. Usually, you can reread a story and see all the hints that make the twist make sense. Rereading this, I see none of it, just a "nope, he is actually controlling her." Oh. Well... alright then. Maybe, looking really hard, going over the questions he asks her, to keep her in line, I suppose. I guess it makes sense. I still don't feel it did much for the story.

The work, when all is said and done, rises above average. The grammar is just less than perfect, the prose does its job and the overall effect was alright.


The Death of Crime
Theglasshouse

[Score Removed]

Who are these two?

This was strange, surreal, such as I've come to expect of you. My biggest gripe with it is that it is an info-dump disguised in expository dialogue. It seems to me as though you had a unique idea lying around and forced it into a conversational piece to fit the prompt.

The language, even the tone of the dialogue was flowery and difficult to understand. The questions seemed forced, making the work seem less like a natural conversation between two people and, again, more like two people working together to lecture the audience.

The ideas are interesting, but it just doesn't make for self-contained flash fiction (brilliant ideas worthy of their own worlds rarely do, which is why people like you and I make for better novelists, I think).


Labor Day 1966... Love the Greatest Anticipation
Pandora

Grammar: 2
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Total: 9/20*

You have a strange way of wording things:

*A warm Labor Day evening finds the neighborhood quiet...*

*Her room, still a surprise when she opened the door...*

While not technically wrong, as I can understand what you are getting at, it is still strange, and can take a few tries to comprehend.

*"Yes, mom I really want it red and green," she had said...: *I like these mini flashback quotes--- acquired a taste for them from the great Frank Herbert. I would suggest you find a way to distinguish them from current dialogue (single quotes or italics). And watch your commas. Sometimes missing.

It doesn't seem to me as though you proofread this at all, and that is what really holds you back here. The sentences are awkward, commas scattered almost randomly. Little girls are easy to win sympathy for. You killed your edge with rushed prose and clumsy punctuation.


The Conversation (Part One and Part Two)
EmmaSohan

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 3
*Total: 11/20*

*...any more:* Anymore.

*He keeps reading, something for work:* A colon, semi-colon, period, or no comma--- literally anything other than a comma would have worked better than a comma here.

*Do I really want him to move out?:* Bitch, you move out.

*I would need to get a job:* Uh... see above.

*Just... boring:* Yeah, having a job and supporting a family isn't always easy... not that you would know a heap about that.

*Someone to say, Amy, how do you feel? *You do realize how and why I'm caring less and less about how this woman feels? And you should have used quotes.

Your writing saves you a slightly above average score here, as I feel absolutely nothing for this woman. If there are other reasons this Amy feels compelled to leave her husband (or throw him out), you should have showed me them instead. What I see here is a list of reasons he should leave her (a good twist might have been to go into his head to reveal similar feelings).

Again, your prose is smooth, you know how to set a mood. But goodness, I feel sorry for Alan.

Well... it looks like you ended up doing that. Perhaps you made them two entries for effect, but it does more to confuse and disorient judges. Not a huge deal, let's just keep it together in the future.

Of your follow up, the only line that stuck out to me was:

*1% is a really big deal:* Because apparently that's what this guy tells himself every night to stay married to this woman.

Everything else was very general: this guy assuring me that "I know numbers. Not gonna give any real examples, but trust me I really really know numbers. And percentages too!"

You don't get into this guy much, and I still don't think the story hits any strong notes.


Firefly
stormageddon

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

Try to avoid "very" when describing things.

*Tonight, she would die:* Gripping. It would have been more so if the first paragraph were a little less flowery.

*...danced the dance of life...: *This was the only thing about its respective sentence I really don't like.

This piece seemed more like a painting than a story. Nothing wrong with that, it was interesting and visual, but it would have been far more effective if you hadn't leaned so heavily on the floweriness of your work to make it more unique. I also would like to have seen a little more to it.


The Conversation
Garza

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

*'You've lived 30 years since you were ten': *This struck me as a contrived setup to MC's "Look at me, I'm a loveable smartass!' response.

*Think of it this way.: *Should have ended in a dash or colon.

*To allow someone to choose for us is a mistake: *But aren't you choosing to accept their choice?

...Ohhkay, I see what you did there.

Here's my problem: you spend the entire story talking about Perspectivism and then tack a punch line to the end. The only thing that made it fit slightly better into the story, where the insurance agent starts telling him what to do (go back to school), tickling his credibility. But even that came in very late. But in times like these, where I feel the end should have these underplayed connections to the story, I always go back and have another look.

UPDATE: On my second look, I found that during the conversation, the agent ascertained the man's age, marital status, occupation and job security, as well as instilling the fear of old age. Then, he tries to make the man feel as though he is in control ('to allow someone to choose for us is a mistake') while taking control (how old will you be in ten years if you _don't_ go back to school?) It was actually a very good model for salesmanship, and I threw some points back on for it. Still, in the spirit of good salesmanship, the reveal could have been a bit more subtle--- this looked more slapstick than real, and I was in a "real" mindset up until then. Also, the philosophical buildup could (should) have been more compelling on its own.


Uncomfortable. Unhelpful.
InstituteMan

Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 9*

Ew.

I'm not sure if this was intended to be a serious piece or funny, or serious with a little funny... but it definitely wasn't funny. Some lines might have rang better if this were a kid's conversation with an older sibling or _maybe_ with his father. Not the mama.

I respect your treading new grounds, but this piece needed one of two things: a full narrative, or pictures. For what it was, my imagination can fill in some of the blanks, but I wanted more. I wanted to feel the relationship to accept this as a unique work of art. This read more like a synopsis. Certainly a potent synopsis, but I'd prefer a story.


The Philosophy of Angels
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

*Warning: If you are intensely religious, please understand that I mean no offense: *Take care when giving disclaimers--- you don't want to make things worse. Here, your use of "intensely" is snide, though I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. To be honest, that was the only thing about this work that I found in the least bit antagonistic toward my beliefs. Fiction is fiction; a disclaimer is real.

*Marble stone allowed the speaker's footsteps to echo:* Perhaps Heaven works differently, but marble floors are not what allow the echo effect--- walls do that.

*"...never forget that those mockeries of the divine should not be tolerated":* Who would have known the one who would thrust Satan into Hell would be so thin-skinned?

*Gabriel bowed to Michael politely. She spoke: *Makes sense: I suppose neither Joseph nor Mary nor the shepherds were in the position to check... maybe she's just a manly-looking angel. Just do me a favor and get rid of "politely". People don't usually bow rudely.

*A figure draped in black:* Ironic for one who goes by the name which means "light bringer." Would one trying to manipulate angels don clothes that say "I'm evil"? But if you're just doing what everybody else does, I suppose I can't judge too harshly.

There's not a great deal for me to sink my teeth into here: three info dumps is about it. The language is nice at times, though if you were trying to make them grammatically impressive there were things you might have done:

*...more than me:* More than I.

*the greater a beacon we cast into the darkness: *Are you casting a beacon into the darkness or are you the beacon casting light into the darkness?

A few odd comma placements aside from that.


An Emotional Roller Coaster
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

*Afraid she would find him boring:* This is the worry of a man about a woman he'd just met/started dating. Maybe it could have been expressed differently--- she's been bored _lately_, for example.

*...he ate the Wasabi accidentally:* So this woman who seems to have been with him a while ("what happened to the man I met" is something someone who has known you for a while might say) has misunderstood his personality this whole time on a single chunk of Wasabi?

*"I want a boyfriend, not a baby":* Am I supposed to be rooting for this relationship?

*"Seriously, it's like I don't even know you," she snarled:* Is she really saying this to him on a roller coaster?

Okay, so there really is a lot you do right here: I really wanted the roller coaster to malfunction and fillet this strumpert, even if it took Bruce with her.

But similar to Joffrey Baratheon, her viciousness was hard to buy--- first off, the chronology of their relationship is difficult to grasp. Exposition and language tell me they've been dating for a little while, yet they act like they just met. However, looking back, most of what confused me about the relationship came from her end, and she is quite dense. But yelling at him mid-ride? I don't know. In a comedy it might have worked, but this didn't read like one--- in fact, I took Bruce's situation very seriously. There was a lot of potential for more emotional impact here.

It seems to me that this would have worked better with a little more emphasis on Bruce's decision to make her happy, the hardship of dealing with that decision, then having her break up with him as they are leaving the park that night.


A Right Royal Fuss
Pip

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

*“I really can’t understand what all the fuss is about”: *I assume Barb said this? It should be a new paragraph.

Just realized it was Chris who said it. What made me think otherwise was that Chris's rolling eyes read more like a response than part of a statement.

*Laden down with their shopping bags, buggies, and a gaggle of children I made a mental comparison of the difference in lifestyle: *Bit of a dangling modifier here: it makes it sound like it is Chris who is laden down with their shopping bags and babies. Also, I'm not familiar with British dialect, but I believe "Laden down" is redundant.

It was a pleasant conversation. My gripe with it comes from the fact that I myself had a lot to say about the "Royal Wedding" and "Royal Birth" (not very nice things, but we'll not go there). I was expecting something funnier, more dark humor about their marriage and their family: comments with the right combination of wit, taste and border-walking. The sort of remarks one would hear from Morrissey (who himself had a thing or two to say about the couple).


I Thought of Everything... Almost
Godofwine

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Total: 10*

*Tears flowed like water from an open spigot: *Are you trying to make me see a young girl cry over a real-life issue or Tom's reaction to letting Jerry escape?

*There were two lines--- two lines!:* I heard you.

*"It is my pleasure to inform you that...":* A representative of Brown is more likely to use words like "we" and "our."

I suppose you leave it to interpretation whether Nadine left the test in the bathroom by accident or if she did it as a way of telling them. So which is it? Is she careless or a bitch?

Take another look at these four sentences. Read them out loud:

*She stood, ran her fingers through her long dark hair and walked over to the sink and picked up the letter she had just opened with the Brown University heading.*

*She read the words she had longed to read since she was in eighth grade one more time and crumpled to the floor [as] a heap of tears flowed like water from an open spigot.*

*Her head rang from a cacophony of seemingly audible thoughts like a train going through a tunnel when a knock at the bathroom door startled her from her daydream.*

*She pocketed the letter, exited the bathroom and sat at the dining room table where her mother had set a plate for her and her father then called upstairs.*

It's not about more words or bigger words. It's about the right words.

*...to return and lead the prayer: *At breakfast? Must be a very religious family. Why this detail? Are you trying to make a point?

So what's the dilemma here? Have the kid and go to college. If you can afford a Brown education, I'm sure a little brown in the diapers won't run you out of house and home. If it will, put it up. Maybe her parents will give her grief because apparently they're religious or something, I don't know. But If there's any real dilemma here, it was still a choice she made to have sex (unless she was raped, but I have a feeling you would have ran the globe to make sure that was clear) and needs to own up to it one way or the other.

I would have found far more effect in reading about a girl with the world on her shoulders but was willing to put it all aside for that moment she realized that there is life inside her--- you wouldn't even have to tell us what decision she would make, just the _realization_ that it isn't all about her. Certainly, she would be daunted by the implications, but her thoughts could shift through the story from the perfectly natural personal worry into the empathy a mother has toward her child.

Otherwise, she's just average. And so is her story.



[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Gavrushka’s scores]

_*Greimour*_*
“Masqeurade"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14.5*_

I was drawn into the story, by a more than reasonable opening paragraph, eager to know how the meeting would pan out._

_The conversation, however, felt too clean, too clinical. Yes, I can see it was all an act, with no real terrorist, but there was nothing distinctive in the dialogue, as if it had been edited as proficiently as the narration. – I think the same story told with stronger distinctive dialogue could have improved both tone/voice AND effect scores._

_First time I’ve seen you enter, and it’s not a bad first attempt, if that’s the case._

__ 
_
[*]*Spartan928*_*
“Kill It and Grill It"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8.5
Overall:17*_

Oh who’s the man? Damn... What I loved about this was the slow realisation of what was happening... You get an inkling a little way before Bud, but it’s still fresh in your mind as it hits him..._

_A head start... Perfect!_

_And superb use of dialogue._

_I had thought you should have a comma before a name, Spartan928. – Not 100% confident, so I didn’t knock you for it._

__ 
_
[*]*dvspec*_*
“Unsupervised"
Spelling/Grammar:4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16*_

LOL! You mad fool! – I don’t really know what to say. – I had the voices of the ‘Two Ronnies’ in my head as I read this, and it added to the laughs._

_I can’t fault it for a light piece that made me feel good.  Didn’t quite give me belly-laughs, but there was a smile carried long after I reached the final line. _

___
[*]*Dictarium*_*
“Yes, sir. No, sir. I don’t know, sir."
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:14*_

Well this was a surprise. – I guess this was an experiment, trying out a new style. –I’ve not read a conversation where the questions were unheard, but fathomed from the answers. Kudos for imagination._

_The problem was, it made for a difficult read for me. I know the story of the night before was contained within the words, but it just didn’t have enough strength. _

_Nice try, and great that you’re prepared to go out on a limb and experiment.
__
[*]*W.Goepner*_*
“Lorenthair’s Return"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6
Overall:13*_

I mentioned in the run-up to this that I would not score those that broke the rules regarding editing grace period (10 minutes) – but I’ve scored you all the same – Don’t be surprised if other judges don’t._

_It was very hard to follow who was speaking, especially as there was never a reference point of a name other than in the title. – I did lose track, and restarted, but lost track again, so was forced to plough on through it. – I felt like I was reading something cut from the middle of a bigger piece. Was I? – It may have made more sense with a line or two of narration up to the speech._

_In dialogue, I usually let any oopses go, as they could be ‘meant’ to be there. ‘There not there’ did throw me a bit, I must say._

_I think you need to learn a little more empathy for your reader, as I found it difficult to gauge your talent from the excerpt I read. – I am sure it is there, just not well represented by this piece._

___
[*]*Apple*_*
“ARF ARF ARF BARKED BARKY"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8.5
Overall:16.5*_

I started reading and was thinking... Strange style, but realised AHA the opening speech marks were missing. – Made more sense when I realised, as I’d moved you into negative territory for SPaG by the end of the paragraph! _

_I grew into the story. At first I was a little dubious, but the unfolding conversation really did pull me deeper into the story.  I soooo wanted the main character to fall down a plot hole and be lost without trace._

_Great and light-hearted. Well done. _
___
[*]*kilroy214*_*
“The Chat"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Overall:14.5*_

An interesting attempt, but there wasn’t really the feel of a complete story about it. _

_It’s a little difficult marking SPaG when so much of the entry is within quotes (which means I have to be lenient) but you did miss a comma in your very first line. – As it stands, it suggests that when the phone rang he picked up a book from the library. I’d put a comma after library, and even consider a parenthetic clause._

_There seemed some overstated narration too... – She sighed audibly over the line... I think  I’d realised it would be over the line – IF it had been to herself then yes, have her cover the mouthpiece and sigh._

_And there was a meed instead of need in there too._

_I enjoyed it the excerpt, but it didn’t leave me feeling like I’d read a complete story._

___
[*]*Pluralized*_*
“Hank, He’s Just a Kid."
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16*_

I enjoyed this. – It wasn’t a simple conversation, but a story revolving around it. – Great to see._

_It did feel unusual reading the perspective of a three year old, but using the language of an educated adult. – I think it worked, and I think it was intended, but it may have some people struggle. – I found humour in the fact he wasn’t sure what shitting was, but he knew hyperventilating and incessantly!_

_I could see you were running out of words, but hadn’t grasped how you’d complete the arc, but I need not have feared. – You did it perfectly, leaving me more than satisfied. __J_

___
[*]*Pidgeon84*_*
“Kathmandu 216"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14*_

This could have been a powerful story, but there were one or two judders that distracted me. – Rewritten, it could have been right up there._

_I did laugh at your interpretation of ‘mild language’, but then again I’m an old fart. _

_You ‘tell’ too much rather than use your skill as a storyteller to show me what’s going on. – Adverbs explaining speech, ‘said with a vulnerable voice’. – I know it is word limited, but you could have robbed from the verbosity of the actual speech. _

_"My best days are getting on that plane with you." _

_Powerful line. – Note you did not have to tell me how this line was delivered, because the dialogue had already done that for me. – If the whole story had been lines of this quality, you’d have received a perfect score from me.

__
[*]*Arcopitcairn*_*
“Red brick Dream"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:16*_

Well, this was quite an unexpected story.  I enjoyed it..._

_There’s an anger about your writing and, when harnessed it makes for some superb reading, but sometimes it seems just a half step too far. – I think that half step, as in last month’s entry, holds me from declaring you one of the very best._

_I love the concept in the story, and I think it holds the potential for a very entertaining longer piece. – Perhaps you’re already considering that?_

_In the main, you grasp the right words and meld them into some fantastic sentences with superb imagery, but when the standard drops to just ‘good’ it can be jarring._

___
[*]*Bishop*_*
“The Conversation"
Spelling/Grammar:4 
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*_

You did good, Bishop, real good! _

_I had to WHAT??? And read back when I realised she was dead – It really made the piece, and had me applauding. – The idea worked well, was paced perfectly and neatly tied at the end._

_I think you missed an ‘a’ between state’s and man’s._

_Great entry. Bravo!
_
__
_
[*]*Kepharel*_*
“The Apprentice Philosopher"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*_

Yes, yes such a late edit does disqualify you but, once again, you’re not the only one to disregard the rules BUT at least you confessed and repented... Do some lines, and we’ll call it quits. _

_You’ve the characters written absolutely spot on! Both speech and reflection is done very well indeed. – The scene grew from the page as a result, and made for an entertaining read._

_Careful about the juxtaposition of certain related words... – ‘windows hold at bay’ made me chuckle, as it seemed a Yodaism! _

___
[*]*Erik Fantasia*_*
“No Title"
Spelling/Grammar: 2.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: 12.5*_

I see what you were trying to do, with this, but you didn’t quite pull it off, I fear. Perhaps if you’d used a few more of your allocated words to develop this a little more slowly and it would have been more effective._

_The grammar and spelling did jar quite a lot, and it gave the appearance of a spontaneous piece, never edited. _

___
[*]*T.S.Bowman*_*
“No Title"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5 
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 7
Overall:14*_

I am glad you entered, and you did develop the two characters quite well in this exchange._

_I really wish you’d italicised the ‘you’ in the second line... I was all irrationally angry you hadn’t (but it did not affect your score)_

_There were too many eye references across the opening lines and a touch of wordiness there too._

_What the two protagonists said was great, but how they said it less so. There was no distinctive personality to the speech of either of them,  no slang, no favourite words. – The effect AND tone marks would have risen if you’d made the dialogue more distinctive from that perspective._

_Still, you write well, with just some technical improvement to move it right up there. _

___
[*]*Pandora*_*
“Labor Day 1966... Love the Greatest Aspiration"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 8
Overall:16.5*_

What a great start there was to this. ‘Tomorrow is the first day of school.’ was such a simple line, but felt like a bomb exploding... Nicely juxtaposed._

_It carried on strongly, but stumbled (read that as it went from very strong to good) about 2/3rds of the way down, feeling a less fluid read. _

_‘Intitals’ was supposed to be initials, I assume._

_Still, an enjoyable read._

___
[*]*EmmaSohan*_*
“The Conversation"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15.5*_

Not a bad story at all, and little to fault._

_But it didn’t really stand out. The unspoken conversation was a little generic, nothing to really challenge the reader this was something other than another failing marriage. – The toast /eggs I’d guessed was coming (or something similar.)_

_You can write very well, that much is apparent, but you need to move away from safe and challenge your ability. _

___
[*]*Stormageddon*_*
“Firefly"
Spelling/Grammar:4.5 
Tone/Voice: 4.5
Effect: 9
Overall:18*_

As good as this month’s entries have been, this one stood head and shoulders above all the ones I’ve read so far. – I’m just damned angry you didn’t use more of the 650 word allocation, as this came to an end all too soon._

_The imagery sprang from the page and assembled, in three dimensions, before me. I flapped my arms a bit when I had to look up a word; such was the rhythm of the story that I did not wish to pause._

_And what a crushingly clever final paragraph; it gave me goose bumps! You’ve talent aplenty, and a very bright future, I am sure._

___ 
[*]*garza*_*
“The Conversation"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8.5
Overall:17*_

Well, that’s what I call a sting in the tail!_

_It’s great for a reader to question as they read through, wondering where the story is heading. – Every time I felt secure, you took a corner, and left me scrambling to catch back up, reassembling my thoughts. – It’s engaging, infinitely readable and a lot of fun._

_And I’d defy anyone not to have a quick chuckle as they read the final line!_

_I may not be judging next month, but I’ll make a point of visiting the thread to read your entry. __J_

___
[*]*Insitituteman*_*
“Uncomfortable. Unhelpful"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15.5*_

Quite a clever attempt. The formatting did help show the barrier between them. – I’d thought it was going to be a struggle to follow, but it was fine._

_Although it was quite a clever piece, there was nothing exceptional to give me scope to score it more highly... – I guess there is only so much you can do with this oft-visited ‘conversation’, and you made about the best of it you could._

_There was an edit oops in the boy’s conversation, towards the end, where you robbed a ‘the’ from the wrong place, and stacked them later._

___ 
[*]*Emma Sohan – second entry. Not viewed / marked.*_*
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall:*_


__
[*]*Ephemeral_One*_*
“The Philosophy of Angels"
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5
Tone/Voice: 3.5
Effect: 5
Overall:13*_

I smiled at the warning for the ‘intensely religious’... I’ve never heard it termed that way before. I would hope everyone would judge your prose on its merit, and not on their personal beliefs._

_That said, this was hard work. Perhaps I missed out, but this came across a little poorly for me. I could not help but think of three ageing thespians on a stage feeling all pompous and self-indulgent. _

_Every judge has to look at a piece as how it works for them, and it is never going to be possible to please everyone. – I felt this was inaccessible and an uncomfortable read. – But worry not, for I’m not judging next month! 

__
[*]*Anonymous*_*
“An Emotional Roller Coaster"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall:14*_

This started off with a fair bit of potential, and I wasn’t sure where it was leading..._

_The truth was, the dialogue disappointed me. – It felt a little weak and clichéd. – Well, perhaps the characters were. – The schizoid change in the woman made me chuckle, but I don’t think that was the intent._

_I think I see a very good writer here, just concealed behind a couple of bland characters._

__
_
[*]*PiP*_*
“A Right Royal Fuss"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7.5
Overall:15.5*_

This was a peculiar and yet enjoyable story that drew so much on real world events, I wondered once or twice if this was a recollection. Still, it works as fiction, and that’s all I need to know._

_I was confused why you missed off the comma before ending a lot of the speech, but I have seen so many variants in this month’s competition that I decided it would be foolhardy to even attempt to bring it into the marking regime._

_It fulfilled the primary need of many stories, and that was to entertain the reader but, like a one or two others, it felt a little like I drifted into the middle of something, and left without a sense of ‘completion’. _

_But one thing I can say, and that is you write very well. _

___
[*]*godofwine*_*
“I Thought of Everything... Almost by godofwine "
Spelling/Grammar: 3.75
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall:15.75*


_So who did write it then if it was almost by you?  ... Commas are important. _

_And you’ve took a step forwards, so congratulations. – I can sense the effort in this, and it has paid dividends. There are mistakes, but they are less common this time and, ironically, revolve around commas._

_You need a comma after tunnel, or you’re still described the train! (and you can put a comma before ‘like to make it parenthetic if you prefer.)_

_Perhaps the second paragraph could have lost the final comma?_

_The ‘She stood’ sentence has a conjunction too many, and could be made more readable if you lost the stood. – Let the reader assume she did that, and then you could change the first ‘and’ for a ‘,’_

_Are you sure the grades should be A’s and B’s rather than As and Bs... This is just an observation._

_Regardless, this is strong story, far better told, by you._


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=danielstj’s scores]

*Greimour
 “Masquerade"
 4/5
 3/5
 6/10
 13/20*


 Overall, I felt like the story lacked a general purpose. I did not "get it" at the end of the short piece, and therefore I felt it was a bit short in tone/voice as well as effect. Overall, it was OKAY, but I do not feel as if it could be rewarded a higher score. It was NOT bad, however, there was still that reach, that gap, that I felt separated from.  
*spartna928
 “Kill It & Grill It"
 5/5
 3/5
 8/10
 16/20*


 This was altogether a good piece. The only complaints that I went through were that it was, all in all, perhaps too simple. I understand, or at least I think I understand, that you were aiming for characterization where you, albeit, explained your characters (and you did so in a very short time-frame) but I feel as if that weakened the piece-- overall. Altogether though, good. 

*dvspec
 “Unsupervised"
 4/5
 5/5
 8/10
 17/20*


 This was, altogether, a hilarious and worthwhile piece. The only thing I would nag on is the ending, which I felt let off the piece too soon and made it seem a bit too simple in retrospect. In essence, I was looking for more with the ending, and when you did not deliver an overall climax (hah!) I felt a bit let down. Overall, though, very funny and readable! 



*Dictarium
 “Yes, sir. No, sir. I don't know, sir. "
 4/5
 2/5
 5/10
 12/20*


 This piece felt rushed, and I do not quite understand what you were aiming for. I do not quite understand what you were aiming for, and I dug into it quite deeply. I did, however, like your attempt at a stream of consciousness type of Joycean type of feel, but I did not feel like you pulled it off. 



*W.Goepener
 “Lorenthair's Return"
 5/5
 4/5  
 9/10
 18/20*


 This was a very strong piece, and I enjoyed your effects quite thoroughly. The language was Lovecraftian and elegant as well, as he was, and it reminded me of him, especially some of his shorter novels. All in all, however, you made your piece your own and I felt a true spark of originality guide this piece along its way. The only part I felt it lacked was, in the beginning, it was a little difficult to get into. That was all. Great job. 



*apple
 “Arf Arf Arf Barked Barky"
 3/5  
 2/5  
 5/10
 10/20*


 I did not quite undertstand this piece. I deducted heavily for spelling and grammar because you spel inspired as "espired". You either meant inspired or aspired, but it detracts. The rest seemed like a fluff piece, and I did not truly GET what you were trying to aim at. The ending was also an anticlimax, and thus I rated it as so.  


*kilroy24
 “The Chat"
 5/5
 3 /5
 6 /10  
 14/20*


 This was okay, but I did not feel a connection between myself and any of the characters in this, possibly because of the word limit imposed by the competition. Your spelling and grammar, however, was flawless. Additionally, it felt a little bit rushed and a bit fluffy for my tastes, as well as lacking a climax, but I think I get what you were trying to aim at. Props for entering the competition!  


*Pluralized
 “Hank, He's Just A Kid"
  4/5
  5/5
  9/10
  18/20*


  This was a really well-structured and thought out piece. You put the effort in here, and it shows. I truly enjoyed it, and felt like the climax came at just the right time. The only, slight, retractions, were that your formatting was a bit off, so I had to deduct a single point for spelling and grammar. Otherwise, it would have been near flawless.



*Pidgeon84
"Kathmandu"
 5 /5
 5 /5
 10/10
 20/20*


 This was amazingly good. I cannot think of any flaws, and think that it was so well structured and arranged that I needed, and felt, like it deserved the perfect score. Flawless in my opinion. Good!  


*Aporcitcairn
 “Red Brick Dream"
 5 /5
 5/5
 10/10
 20/20*


 A perfect score for this. Powerful, gripping, exhilarating. The story opened tensely and interestingly, and kept going all the way to the end, where the full climax, with the end-line, hit home. A truly remarkable piece. Excellent job! 



*Bishop
 “The Conversation"
 5/5
 5/5
 10/10
 20/20


 This was supremely well-done, I commend you on this piece. I think that it accomplished exactly what you were aiming for, and what was unseemly good, at the same time. It was dark, it was deep, and it was meaningful. Full marks!



[*]Kepharel
“The Apprentice Philosopher"
5/5
 3/5
 6/10
 14/20

I understand what you were trying to do with this piece, but I do not think that you achieved it all the way. Nevertheless, it was a good effort and I felt you put the proper effort in, which explains the score. Overall though, I felt it could have been better.



[*]Erik Fantasia
“Untitled"
3/5
 2/5
 4/10
 9/20

I felt this piece was rushed and that it was far too short for my liking. Overall, I could not connect to the characters and the situation that was occurring due to the brevity. Otherwise, I liked your style but I felt the piece was a bit slim compared to the other entries in the competition.  Besides all that, it was an interesting read.



[*]T.S Bowman
“Untitled"
5/5
 2/5
 5/10
 12/20

This piece, although I felt you put the effort in, I felt was not as strong as it could have been. I concentrated very closely when I worked on this entry but, overall, felt it to be a bit lacking-- that's why I gave the score that I did. Your spelling and grammar, howevver, were flawless.

 


[*]Pandora
“Labor Day 1966... Love the Greatest Anticipation"
5/5
 4.5/5
 19.5/20

This was a strong piece, and I enjoyed it, especially since I've never been in the shoes of the protagonist. The only point I took off, ever-so-slightly, was for your style. This was, because, in the middle, I found it a little bit fast to read, when I would rather have taken it slowly. Overall, good show and good effort. 



[*]EmmaSohan
“The Conversation"
5/5
 3/5
 7/10
 15/20

This was, overall, quite a decent piece, but I did not feel a complete connection with the main character, which would have been necessary for me to feel the full effects of the pull at the climax of the story, which, nonetheless, came at a perfect time. Good effort!  


[*]stormageddon
“Firefly"
5/5
 5/5
 10/10
 20/20

In my opinion, despite the short length, this was perfect. It was an exhilarating and beautiful read that reminds me of prose-poetry more than anything else. Truly enjoyed this read and cannot praise it high enough. Beautiful imagery, language, and effect. 



[*]garza
“The Conversation"
5/5
 4/5
 8/10
 17/20


 Garza, this was a good piece, and I think the ending really hit me where it intended to, slightly humorous and slightly sad at the same time. Very good tone, but I could not give you full marks because I felt that it ran a bit short. Now, NONETHELESS, I feel this piece is really strong and, although I did not give it perfect marks, it is still very good. Good job!



[*]InstituteMan
“Umcofortable, Unhelpful"
5/5
 5/5
 9/10
 19/20

This was an extremely strong piece and I really enjoyed your style. You only had a slight deduction for the ending, because I felt it could have been a tiny bit stronger, but overall, an excellent piece and an excellent job. 



[*]Ephermal_One
“The Philosophy of Angels"
5/5
 4/5
 5.5/10
 14.5/20

I found I could not connect to this piece. Although I was interested and intrigued by your title and the style that you accomplished, I felt that there was not enough depth to make it truly worthwhile and to, in essence, fill the reader up in terms of content. 


[*]Anonymous
“An Emotional Roller Coaster Anonymous"
5/5
 4/5
 10/10
 19/20

Nice piece. The only point that I deducted was for tone and voice, which I felt was a little bit missing in terms of description. I understand that this was partially because of the word length imposed by the challenge, but I think this is fair as it was simply not as powerful as some of the other pieces in the competition. Overall, great!

 


[*]Pip
“A Right Royal Fuss"
 5/5
 4/5
 6/10
 15/20

This piece I did not altogether understand. The style was very decent, mind you, but the effects, overall, I felt were as bit miniscule and not comparable to other pieces that I viewed in the competition. Altogether, a worthwhile piece--nonetheless.



[*]godofwine
“I Thought of Everything... Almost"
5/5
 3/5
 6/10
 13/20

I found this piece to be interesting  to read, and worth it, but I felt it was lacking in terms of true emotional feel. I could not connect to the protagonist in the piece, and I felt this lowered the overall value of everything else thar you put into it. Nonetheless, it was worth the read.


*
*
**[/spoiler2]**
[spoiler2=Fin’s scores]

Greimour
“Masqeurade"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 12

There was a missing comma or two throughout this. There was also a single spelling error that I noticed - the title.

The tone was pretty boring, but it seemed to be the one you wanted, so that’s fine. There are places throughout this where some sentences were redundant, in the sense that it feels you’re just writing them because you feel as if the reader’s dumb. Making the obvious become painfully so. 

The story itself didn’t do it for me. I didn’t care about anyone or anything, and just wasn’t interested. In truth, I had to reference the story to even remember the other guy’s name. Some things throughout this seemed entirely pointless for you to add, because I felt it had nothing to do with anything - the exchange of glances between the waitress and the other guy is what I’m referencing the most. If it doesn’t add to the story, it really doesn’t need to be there.

“Next time you be the reporter; you were a terrible terrorist”

I felt like they were both terrible at their roles, and that’s the reason the story fell flat for me.


spartan928
“Kill It & Grill It"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

You had a lot more words you could’ve used, and I feel that it would’ve been nice for them to be used somewhere in the beginning. But you had me from the beginning - not counting the first four lines. Though they were setting the place up, they still felt out of place.

Beyond that, I enjoyed it. The mystery kept me genuinely interested. You did well with keeping the creature unknown, and then the silver bullet reveal. I figured out the ending before it happened, but given the short delay between it and the end, I feel like I was figuring it out at the same time as Bud, and that’s what saved it - though it wasn’t actually the case.


dvspec
“Unsupervised"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

I lost the place of who was talking at a point throughout that. Somewhere between “Oh, he’s a specialist” and “He could set up near a fountain and do tricks in the water”. Obviously I’ve got who was speaking now after going back and keeping track more closely, but at every other point throughout the story it wasn’t necessary to do that. I could just read through and their personalities and knowledge would tell me who was who. It just seemed to mesh together at a certain point before going back to the original greatness.

The story was good. The strangeness of it kept me interested more than anything else. You did well in keeping the personalities unique, save for the part I mentioned already.


Dictarium
“Yes, sir. No, sir. I don’t know, sir."
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

Were the unheard questions planned from the beginning? Or did you cut them out to be under the word limit? Either way, I liked that it happened - there’s rarely something I see around here that I haven’t before.

The concept was nice, but there might’ve just not been enough words left for you to write this out better. It was a mystery that left me disappointed. You gave me everything and I still missed it. There needs to be a balance between the obvious and the not, and you tipped the scale too far in the former. The imbalances should - in my eyes - be explained later on down the line, bringing everything even again, unless it’s something that needs to be found in yourself - and that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Which led me to the conclusion that there just weren’t enough words.


W. Goepner
“Lorenthair’s Return"
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10.5

Inconsistencies in the grammar. Usually dialogue is left as is, but your inconsistencies made it lose points. An example being the capitalization of He in the middle of a sentence, followed by it being lowercased in the same sentence, though it’s referencing the same person.

This’ll, unfortunately, be a story I either forget entirely or one that I beg to. I didn’t care about anyone in the story and you really gave me no reason to. I didn’t care about Lorenthair’s return or why he was even there in the first place - or who he even was. The mystery of it all just didn’t seem like something worthy of being a mystery. I hope this was part of a larger story and not just one of it’s own. I had to read it twice to get what was going on.

In short, the world wasn’t fleshed out enough.


apple
“ARF ARF ARF BARKED BARKY"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

Missing the opening quotation mark. I assume that’s a copy and paste error, rather than an error in the actual writing part of it. That’s the only reason the grammar point was taken off. Everything else is fine.

There’s nothing here that’ll make me remember it down the road. It’s a very simple story, and an amusing flash piece for an in moment type of thing. Not much depth to it, and if that’s what you were going for, then that’s all right.

I wish there was more about one of the girls themselves. There’s a subtlety to this and it definitely has the potential to be something more - given more development. But as it stands, it just doesn’t have it.


kilroy214
“The Chat"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

There’s a comma missing in the first sentence and a typo - meed instead of need. A spacing typo in there as well. 

It’s a very simple story and it takes the prompt very literally. The beauty of this story is your ability to create realism. The relationship felt so real, with very little being overstated. There were a few things though - most notably “She sighed audibly over the line” - everything after ‘She sighed’ could have been removed, really.

The best part of their relationship is easily the unsaid. You’ve got a great balance of subtlety and the obvious here, and that’s what makes this story good.

I like how you set the time of the piece as well. The cordless phone, and then reinstating it later on with her needing to get off the phone because of the father needing to get online. Such a small thing but it’s great.


Pluralized
“Hank, He’s Just a Kid"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18

This was probably a story best told in third person. It would have worked so much better, I feel. With the not understanding some words, yet using - in his head - words way bigger. The same could have been said in third person, and it would’ve eliminated the problem there. I am one of those that prefers first person, so don’t think this is from one that despises it.

Whether intended or not - the most interesting part of this story for me is the relationship between the parents. The mother’s emotional state feels so broken - so detached from reality. “Don’t think I can ever forgive you if we lose another one.” At first, I was thinking, how could you forgive him for losing the first? And then later on in the sentence it answers it for me - by saying “if we lose another one.” There’s so much detachment implied there by referring to the child as just “another one.” Despite the love for the child so clearly shown by the possessiveness of “my boy.” It implies that he’s hers and only hers - and that she knows she’s in a messed up place with possibly no way out.

That was the way I saw it, and the only thing that made me realize that it most likely wasn’t intentionally and I’m entirely wrong was the line “Remember how you insisted with Grimpy, and he’s gone. Dead.” If you would have left out the absolute ‘Dead’, it would have worked out better, for me. But now I’ve gone and realized the amount of times she talks back to the man, and that I’m entirely wrong.

And since I realized that it wasn’t intentional, I’ve moved on to the thought that I may be witnessing the beginning of another Hank. Clearly Hank is the way he is because of the start with the raccoon, and maybe the story is really all about him, and the way he became to be.

So many different ways a single story can be interpreted, and that’s my favorite part about it. The potential of so much more here if there were just a few words switched around. But I’m not supposed to be here talking about what could’ve been, I should be talking about what is, and the vision you had.

Very well written if the story was based on the birth of another Hank and a repeating cycle. Mostly now I’m just interested in your follow up response to the story, to see what your vision for it was.

In any case, clearly I enjoyed it. Thought provoking.


Pidgeon84
“Kathmandu 216"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3 
Effect: 5
Overall: 11

Well, the grammar was pretty awful. It was pretty consistently wrong so I’m guessing you genuinely just don’t know. 

“. . .I hate this," Samantha said angrily.
Comma, not a period.

There are a few capitalization mistakes in there too.

A lot attempted to go into this story. Focusing on Janet for now, rather than the relationship. It would’ve been more simple to just say she was being deployed. The way it’s currently worded leaves way too many questions. What makes Tibetan Revolution so special out of the rest of the world? How did she come to be friends with the leader of something so huge?

Too much was left open on that, and it wasn’t even the focus of the story. Which is why I say it would’ve been better to just put her in a setting where she was being deployed.

The relationship itself was pretty unoriginal. No real problem with that, except it was an in your face type of unoriginal. I feel like you wrote this while you were having a Dear John, The NoteBook marathon.

I liked the last line. Though I’m not sure why you wrote it twice, just phrased differently earlier on in the story.


Arcopitcairn
“Red Brick Dream"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18

Subtlety. I stress it the most when reviewing stories because overstating things seems like a problem most people have - a problem that this story doesn’t suffer from. It’s beautifully poetic, in a sense. The descriptions are your strong point in this story and it sets up the world perfectly.

There was so much weight in such a small conversation and you handled it well - a decision so big handled with so little words. Very well done.


Bishop
“The Conversation"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 18

A twist that I didn’t expect. So very rare in an LM entry.

An excellent story. Wouldn’t surprise me if you won. The greatest strengths are in you bringing the characters to life. That wasn’t intended. . . you know, the dead girl, ‘talking’. . . not intended at all. You know what I mean.

The accent came so clearly to me, their personalities so interesting. The detective being the most interesting of all. The things this job has done to him - just beautiful and not even remotely out of the realm of possibilities. You did great with this. 


Kepharel 
“The Apprentice Philosopher"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13
In the first sentence, it’s should be its.


This isn’t a story I’ll remember remember in the future. There wasn’t much to take from it. It was a nice little flash piece and I don’t regret reading it, but it’s not something I’d go through again.

It was amusing - I’ll give it that. No one felt fake. The curious little girl being my favorite.


Erik Fantasia
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Overall: 9

I came here to write my review before realizing I needed to read it again because I remembered nothing about it. Nothing stuck with me and I didn’t care about anyone.

I didn’t know anything about anybody. I didn’t remotely care that this girl was dead. I didn’t even really know who this girl was. 

Too little was known in the story for it to be truly called a story.


T.S. Bowman
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 5
Overall: 11

The story was very weak. You could’ve taken both of the characters, switched them, turned them into puppets played by the same person - whatever - and it would have made no difference to me. They didn’t have much life in them. They aren’t two that I’ll remember, even if for some reason I come back in a year and read the same story.

I wasn’t happy when I never found out how they’d avoid getting caught. Unless having a wheel man is the way they don’t get caught. If that’s the case then I’m just going to ignore that one.

I guess the whole point to the story is that the man is actually controlling the woman and not the other way around. I wish there was something leading up to that rather than just stating it.




Pandora
Labor Day 1966 . . . Love the Greatest Anticipation"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

There were a few spacing errors.

The character felt believable enough. You’ve got the age thing down nicely. Not too mature, not too ignorant. 

It was a nice read. There’s a beauty in the child’s anticipation for her big day. Everyone has some type of similar experience, and that’s what makes it amusing. But it’s also what makes it fairly average. Nothing surprised me - and that’s fine. It was a fun flash piece.


EmmaSohan
“Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14

I wish there was more about the husband. I really don’t like the protagonist of this. It seems all she does is complain and think of the hypothetical. She’s completely useless, yet the perspective makes it seem like the husband is the terrible one, and I didn’t like that.  Maybe some twist would’ve made me like this more. Like her death. Or maybe her death wouldn’t have worked, but with how little I like her, it would have made me happy. So you would have had that going for you.

If you were going for a protagonist that audiences would hate, you have that down really nice.

I liked your style most out of everything. Clearly, you can write. The story just didn’t do it for me. Too much time was spent going no where in the beginning. It would’ve been nicer to see what she and others tried to get him to be more responsive, anything to make this woman not so unlikable. Instead, she talks about all these things she’s tried - without mentioning what she actually did - while also showing us all these pretend conversations she’s having with him in her head.

The males point of view finally comes around and that was a disappointment. It contradicts what the wife said. It becomes clear that he actually does put the effort into his work life, and that further shows how delusional, entitled, ungrateful, dislikable person the wife is. If that was the intention, to make this woman so unlikable, then you did great.


stormageddon
“Firefly"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 15

You do well with descriptions. Have to give you that.

It felt more like a poem than anything else. It was nice to read, but I didn’t care about the person in it. Not a single thing in the story made me care about this person. Not the way she went - nothing. If there’s a fault here, it’s that. Everything else was poetic, but that’s not enough for me to care. Any hints to why she was doing what she was doing were too subtle. Leaving the imagination open to so much isn’t good to me. A blank page does the same.


garza
“The Conversation"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

I haven’t judged in over a year and I still remember the countless amount of times I’ve praised your ability to bring characters to life. It hasn’t changed. Still brilliant. I get the whole setting from dialogue alone.

The only thing that brought this story down for me was the ending. Not even the concept itself - but the in your face of it all. The balance between subtlety and the obvious is what I look for the most in something, and the last line alone tips the scale a little too far in the obvious direction. I know you needed a way to end this story, given the word limit, but it needed to be more subtle for me. 

Everything else leading up to the ending was great. but the in your face just made it seem like the last line to a joke, and I didn’t like it. I just wasn’t getting the vibe from the rest of the story.


InstituteMan
“Uncomfortable. Unhelpful."
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

A double the in there towards the end.

A very strange conversation.

15 seems a little old for the talk - but all families do it differently, I guess. 

It just seems a lot weirder than it needed to be. It took me out of the realism of it. I actually did receive the talk from my mother, and every sexual-education class I’ve ever had was led by a female, with the first class being in school when I was ten, and never was anyone even remotely as uncomfortable as this. I’m sure it’s like this somewhere out there but throughout my many, many experiences with it, it just didn’t seem real enough. But I understand that it’s probably just me - and I’m sure I’ll be your toughest critic on this part of it.

That being said, I took off no points for any of that. The weirdness is clearly intentional, regardless of how believable it is to me.

The very last line was unnecessary and took me out of the story a bit. The fact that it did no good was already implied.

You did a great job with their personalities. They both seemed like real people. The development of who they are and their relationship together is fantastically done.

The formatting was nice change of pace.


Ephemeral_One
“The Philosophy of Angels"
Spelling/Grammar: 4 
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

Lots of information really pulled me out of this story from the beginning. It felt more like a school lesson rather than a story, and that’s not what I was wanting. I didn’t feel attached to anyone or anything in this because of it. It’ll end up being something I forget, unfortunately. Even more unfortunate - I want to forget it.


Anonymous
“An Emotional Roller Coaster"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

I’m scoring this on June 1st - I genuinely don’t remember at all who wrote this. So it’s basically anonymous, even though I posted it. . .

The combination of the roller coaster and this situation just doesn’t go well with me.

The female seemed contradictory in the beginning and just cruel.

“We have to get out more,” she had said. “We have to start living!”

Basically the convincing line for him to get on the roller coaster, and it would appear like she’s wanting to start picking up and approving their relationship - only to break up with him. Breaking up with him in a place he didn’t even want to be. That’s just messed up. 

Really didn’t like the girl. I think I would have been happy to see her die.

Had a little trouble with the timeline setting. I was lost between them just meeting and them being together for a while. Figured it out in the end, but you had me lost for a little while.

In the end, like I said in the beginning, this combination just doesn’t go well together for me. 

At least it’s memorable. You got me to hate the girl, that’s for sure.


PiP
“A Right Royal Fuss"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13

There were a few commas left off the end before the speech tag. In some places you had it, and the inconsistency is what made me notice it.

I don’t like judging an entry on what it isn’t rather than what it is. But this just feels like it could’ve been more. The potential here is clear, but as it stands it’s just bland. It took the prompt very literally and didn’t do much else. It could’ve been a conversation I overheard in a restaurant - which is fine, but I forget all of those conversations. 

What you have though, is two very believable characters. You’ve got that down nicely, bringing them to life and with their own personalities that I can actually tell apart. But other than that, there’s nothing else in the conversation that really makes me care about anything, and this’ll unfortunately be one of those that I forget.


godofwine
“I Thought of Everything...Almost"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12

Starting with the title. I’m sure it was a spacing error, but it threw me off. A bad first impression.

You missed the S on tear. There’s another comma mistake in there as well. mother had set a plate for her and her father then called upstairs. 

The thing that plagues this story the overstatement of some things, and the way you word others. It killed the tone. It took me out of the reading experience, and that’s not good. Probably the worst offender is tears flowed like water from an open spigot. That left me with more of a what did he just say? - he being you - than anything else.

An example or overstating some things is she said aloud. Aloud didn’t need to be there, it was already obvious. It’s the little things that’ll really take down a story.

Some of the sentences were just too long filled with way too much to feel fluid. Again, the open spigot sentence probably being the biggest offender. Cut it down - say more with less. Subtlety is the biggest thing that I think you need to work on.

The story was alright, but I just couldn’t get into it because of the tone issues.

You picking Brown University out of everything else was just bad luck on your part - the acceptance letter is a lot more formal than that and doesn’t start out that way. Though I didn’t take points off for that, because who really cares.



theglasshouse
“The Death of Crime"

[Score Removed]

The biggest problem with the story is that it doesn’t seem real. Not the events - but the characters. They’re bland. You could have switched their places and it would’ve made no difference to me. It didn’t seem like a fully thought out story either. As if it was just done on a whim.

The biggest thing you’d need to work on here is making everyone seem more real.


[/spoiler2]*


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## Gavrushka (Jun 2, 2014)

A big congratulations to all who entered, and well done to Bishop! 

What a wide range of talents there was on show this month, reflected in a very wide range of scores!


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## Arcopitcairn (Jun 2, 2014)

Hey! I placed Thanks a lot judges!


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## kilroy214 (Jun 2, 2014)

Congrats to the top three! Wooot!

Thank you to the judges, who put in what I can only imagine was an unprecedented amount of their own time into so many pieces of work. Hats off to you!


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## InstituteMan (Jun 2, 2014)

Congratulations all around! Bishop and Arcopitcairn both freaked me our, and dvspec had me laughing gout loud -- not in the Internet version of 'I found your writing mildly amusing, but in the sense that I was laughing in an audible fashion.

Thanks to the judges! This was another strong round of entries.


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## T.S.Bowman (Jun 2, 2014)

Wow.

That was even worse than I thought. LOL

But, hey, I wasn't last, at least. *shrug*


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## dvspec (Jun 2, 2014)

:icon_cheesygrin: Happy Dance!  So begins my meteoric rise to fame!  

Thanks to the judges.  I hope I brought more than one person a laugh, because that was the intended goal.  

FYI:  Part of that conversation actually happened.  The fun part was when the person I was talking with got sucked down the rabbit hole with me.


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## Gavrushka (Jun 2, 2014)

Just a note:

I am not prepared to enter into PM correspondence with entrants who feel elements of their score were wrong. (I received such a query)

It's a fun competition, and the judges use their private time (many hours) for the good of this writing community.

If you didn't win, the best course of action is to improve rather than cajole judges!


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## garza (Jun 2, 2014)

But...but...but...how do I improve on perfection? Oh, heck. I'll give it a try. 

Well played, Bishop.


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## Bishop (Jun 2, 2014)

Wow, I can't believe I won! I had no idea a little noir tale would have such appeal... O.O

Thank you Judges, and I hope everyone enjoyed Johnny's little narration. He was a fun character!


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## Kepharel (Jun 2, 2014)

Congrats Bishop. A good entry and well deserved.


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## apple (Jun 2, 2014)

Congratulations to *Bishop* and Arcopitcairn and dvspec.  I enjoyed your stories immensely.  Very nice work.


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## Dictarium (Jun 2, 2014)

If anybody wants to read an infinitely better example of the style I was going for, read "& Answers" by Joyce Carol Oates. 

Folcro: The lamp bit was definitely forced. Thing is, I wrote that at the beginning when I didn't know how obvious I was going to end up making it, and then later on when I added the "get your hands off me" bit, I forgot to take out the lamp as it just seemed so integral to the beginning of the story at that point (however superfluous).

Gavrushka: It was definitely experimental. I just had read the style in the story I mentioned above and really wanted to try it. I also just experimented with it to some extent when I wrote my dramatic scene for my Senior Creative Writing Portfolio for AP English, so I know it'll definitely take some getting used to. But it's nice to know that I didn't do _too _awfully with it my first time out. Thanks for the critique, you're entirely right; it was too rushed and, to Fin's point, I didn't have enough words.

danielstj: While I wasn't going as much for the Joycean, sporadic stream of consciousness bit, you're still right in that my execution was off. Way off. But that's what happens when you experiment. You go off track a big at first.

Fin: As above, you're right. There weren't enough words. I actually did write it with just the speaker's side; I only thought the questions in my head. I felt if I wrote the questions and then the answers and then deleted the questions I would unwittingly lose valuable context.


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## stormageddon (Jun 2, 2014)

Wow, tied with Pluralized! Coulda come last and that would still make me proud~ and given that the people on this forum constantly terrify me with their boundless talent, I wouldn't mind coming last at all.

Well done to everyone, and judges, thank you~


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## EmmaSohan (Jun 3, 2014)

I tried to portray someone as pathetically unhappy, and judges saw her as a bitch. That's really..........interesting. And extraordinarily useful feedback. I join in on thanking the judges for their time and effort; I'm surprised by and grateful for how much thought they gave to reading and then expressing their reaction.


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## spartan928 (Jun 3, 2014)

Congrats winners, great stories. Very well deserved. Also, thanks judges for your time and attention. I've judged a few times and understand the amount of time it takes to write up all those critiques. So again, thanks to all who participated and volunteered their time to give excellent feedback.


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## garza (Jun 3, 2014)

Forgot to mention - thanks to judges for all comments. As in the past, all comments are collected in a folder along with a copy of the story as it was posted. This allows me to, at leisure and repeatedly, reflect on the story as other saw it and make what adjustments may be called for in future stories.


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## W.Goepner (Jun 3, 2014)

Wow! Damn, I came in nineteenth. Woo hoo! Not bad for my first try. 

Congrats to, *Bishop*, for being the best example. *Arcopitcairn*, nice second. *dvspec, *good third.

To answer the question of three of the judges. Yes this  would be from a bigger piece. It was an attempt at a conversation, of a  Deity and one of the last of his creations, to poses a piece of his  soul. It was a eyeopener for me, I was stumped as to what I should do  when I brought the two together. Maybe I should not have used the  challenge as a sounding board. One other thing, it was raw, I only read  it through twice. Not that it matters, I should not insult the judges in  that manner, they deserve better. Thanks for the crits and the chance.

Bill


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## Emz (Jun 3, 2014)

Woop! Woop! Let's go bishop.... And everyone els!!

(i don't even know what this is for)


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## PiP (Jun 3, 2014)

Emz said:


> Woop! Woop! Let's go bishop.... And everyone els!!
> 
> (i don't even know what this is for)



LOL, why not enter the next challenge? It's great fun!


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## T.S.Bowman (Jun 3, 2014)

W.Goepner said:


> One other thing, it was raw, I only read  it through twice. Not that it matters, I should not insult the judges in  that manner, they deserve better. Thanks for the crits and the chance.
> 
> Bill



I did the "pantser" thing in a big way with my entry.

I wrote my entry in a little over 30 minutes. I read over it once, added a line or two that it turns out I shouldn't have, had two other people take a look at it, then posted it.

I didn't have any thoughts about it possibly being insulting to the judges. Nor did I think I might be wasting their time. 

What I really wanted to know was how well I actually write. I wanted to find out if writing without any sort of plan would leave my story with any glaring mistakes. I found out that it did leave me with a couple of problems that I saw only after they were pointed out. However, those that were pointed out were not the ones I was really expecting. 

My position in the standings means next to nothing to me. It doesn't matter where I ranked. What matters is the feedback I got and what I do with it. 

If, at some point, I decide to enter another LM...I _will_ have a better result.

I, like everyone else, thank the judges for their time and effort in giving good feedback on a large number of stories. It must have been one hell of a job this time around.


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## W.Goepner (Jun 3, 2014)

> _*Gavrushka
> W.Goepner  *_*“Lorenthair’s Return"
> Spelling/Grammar: 3.5  Tone/Voice: 3.5  Effect: 6  Overall:13*_
> 
> ...



 I Almost wish you hadn't, It would have made me learn to pay attention to the clock. Thank you for judging it anyway.

As this being my first, and not trying to figure out description for a conversation. When I saw my word count I could not figure out how to change it. So I deserve the score due to its lacking.

Again if I had paid attention to the details and not been in too big a hurry to enter, I would have fixed it with "They are not there, or They're not there". Again, a deserving score.

Empathy for my reader, I do apologize for burning your eyes like that and straining your brain. In a manner it was an exercise in futility, I went on examples of how the other contestants before me set up their entries. I did not think on how to set up my own.




> *Folcro
> *W. Goepner  Lorenthair's Return
> Grammar: 3  Voice: 3  Effect: 4  *Total: 10/20*
> 
> ...



Yes You did, I dropped you into a place some short distance from the end of the story. As I stated to Gavrushka, I had not put enough thought to properly set the mood. I had thought up the piece for the challenge, with the idea of, what would these two be like if and when. In the unfairness to the judges I threw the thing together and read it once or twice then tossed it out there for you (the judges) to wade through and try to make sense of it. I am lucky that I made 19 out of the 24, Just on the timing rule I should have D.Q. Thank you for your fair and just critique.



> *Fin
> **W. Goepner  “Lorenthair’s Return"
> Spelling/Grammar: 3.5  Tone/Voice: 3  Effect: 4  Overall: 10.5*
> 
> ...



As curator, you should have D.Q. me. As a substitute judge, Thank you for taking the time to judge it.

The 'He' you are referring to, I forgot the rule, to 'mark' the reference within the conversation, when speaking of a outside character. My score reflects better than this piece deserves.

When and if I can get myself to address the greater story from which this piece will a part of, I hope you will find it of better taste.

As I said when I discovered the word count, with what I had written, I was at a loss as to how I could flesh it up. In retrospect, I should not have entered this competition.



> *danielstj
> **W.Goepener  “Lorenthair's Return"
> 5/5,  4/5,  9/10,  18/20*
> 
> This was a very strong piece, and I enjoyed your effects quite  thoroughly. The language was Lovecraftian and elegant as well, as he  was, and it reminded me of him, especially some of his shorter novels.  All in all, however, you made your piece your own and I felt a true  spark of originality guide this piece along its way. The only part I  felt it lacked was, in the beginning, it was a little difficult to get  into. That was all. Great job.



I am flattered. Though I think you should look again. There are spelling and grammar errors worthy of at least 1-2 points. As I am not sure of tone or voice, I can only say OH! Effect I am glad you can see it, as I am not sure if effect is meant as the conversation, or the over all read and how it makes one feel.

I might have, stumbled into a style you like and enjoy, truthfully, totally by accident. I thank you for the compliment. This is what I want as a feel for this part, though I have not studied Lovecraft's work, I have heard of him, and once had the same reference on one of my school projects. 

A hard to get beginning, is what would make the whole effect fail. We say we are the hardest critiques of our own works. I agree. I also see where I cannot be a judge because I cannot see the errors in my own works let alone another person's. 

I do not doubt you found this piece better, than "I" give it credit for, but I say this, You are too kind.

Thank you, one and all of the judges. If I score better on the next challenge then I know I am not such a dope after all.


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## W.Goepner (Jun 3, 2014)

garza said:


> Forgot to mention - thanks to judges for all comments. As in the past, all comments are collected in a folder along with a copy of the story as it was posted. This allows me to, at leisure and repeatedly, reflect on the story as other saw it and make what adjustments may be called for in future stories.



Hm Good idea, mind if I borrow that?


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## Emz (Jun 3, 2014)

> LOL, why not enter the next challenge? It's great fun!


'Cause i don't know how or what it is


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## W.Goepner (Jun 3, 2014)

Emz said:


> 'Cause i don't know how or what it is



Well you found this page. Just go to the top and click on the green writing of, "Literary Maneuvers - Fiction Competitions". In that section you will see a list of past competitions and the new one for June. Also there are the rules section and the rest of the how-tos. Look them over and join the fun. (as He snickers behind his hand.)


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## Emz (Jun 3, 2014)

Haha, ok, i realy have no chance though, but, its worth a try... Maybe


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## Pandora (Jun 3, 2014)

Congratulations Bishop, Acropitcarin and dvspec, wonderful pieces. Thank you judges for your insight and time, my goodness. Thank you everyone who shared their work. My first experience was fun and I learned a lot! :cheers:


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## thepancreas11 (Jun 3, 2014)

Wow, what a great competition. Congrats to Mr. Bishop, our friendly neighborhood chess piece, and to the other winners. A think all of us find ourselves in debt to Fin who stepped in and did one of the most difficult jobs on the forum...appeasing the hungry mob of competitors. Well done there, Fin. What a great job you did filling in.


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