# Fallen



## NathanBrazil (Aug 5, 2017)

I am become
a meteor
of bone and flesh.

A child’s dream
of whispered wings.

Hand of god
that touches feet
a spin of eternal bliss.

A knife as sweet
as the wind’s kiss.

A somber path
of borrowed time.

Til I am become
a memory
of dust.

--------- Latest edit is here.


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## haribol (Aug 5, 2017)

A poem that makes us ponder deeply over beauty and reality


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 5, 2017)

Thanks.  I had shelved this poem - felt like it needed a polish - but decided to give it a chance.   I worry about the third para.  For some reason it's not working for me.


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## jenthepen (Aug 5, 2017)

Good to see you here, Nathan. We don't get to read enough of your poetry.

It feels like there is a dark undercurrent in this poem - fallen angel? I may have misinterpreted your message but, if not, maybe the reason the third stanza isn't working for you is because of the last of the three lines. You have the perfect contrast with the hand of god touching feet but the phrase 'eternal bliss' seems weighted too heavily on the good. Maybe something like _tainted bliss_ or _dark-edged bliss_ would capture the mood better?

There is something intriguing about your phrasing and, as haribol said, it makes the reader ponder. For that reason alone, it is a powerful poem and I enjoyed reading it and being forced to think. 

jen


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 5, 2017)

Thanks Jen.  Not an angel no, but you are very close.   I'm trying to describe a tragic event and the Hand of God is really just a crosswind that causes the body to spin.  I don't think Hand of God works for me there, but I do agree that  _tainted bliss or dark-edged bliss _is a better fit for the rest of the poem.


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## Firemajic (Aug 5, 2017)

NathanBrazil said:


> I am become** JMO, but the use of "am" sounds strange...
> a meteor
> of bone and flesh.
> 
> ...


** cut "of dust"...  



I do like this poem, although you are dangerously close to giving your reader a vague message, you saved yourself with the last line... beautiful phrases here, for sure... make sure they are not empty of meaning... sooo, watchIT...


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 5, 2017)

Thanks Firemajic.  I think you've hit on the crux of the problem - too vague a message.  I think that I was hearing this famous quote - "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."  And then just a mirror image for the final para.  Maybe remove the 'become' from top and bottom?


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## Firemajic (Aug 5, 2017)

NathanBrazil said:


> I am become
> a meteor
> of**  bone and flesh.** Cut "of"
> I am a meteor, flesh and bone
> ...




That does make a definite statement... just keep editing and make sure your imagery strengthens your message, or else it becomes clutter...


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## ned (Aug 7, 2017)

hello - I quite like the quirky language - I am become...

the poem loses its way in stanzas 2, 3 and 4 -
the imagery doesn't seem to relate to anything else in the poem - fragmenting it.
perhaps, leave them out?

keep scratchin'
Ned


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 7, 2017)

I'm still cogitating majic's advice.  I'm hoping that some of these changes will make the message clearer.


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## sas (Aug 7, 2017)

Good suggestions from all.  I might add that I, like Ned, thought "I am become" a unique fit for tone of this poem. I'd keep it. Few others should try it. Smiles.


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 7, 2017)

Hey sas.  I kind of like it also - but I also like 'bone and flesh' better than 'flesh and bone'.


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## sas (Aug 7, 2017)

yes, reversing flesh & bone superb change.


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 7, 2017)

How about for the second para something like:

Tattered parachute flutters
uselessly behind me.
A child’s dream
of whispered wings.


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## Firemajic (Aug 7, 2017)

NathanBrazil said:


> I am become
> a meteor
> of bone and flesh.
> 
> ...





NathanBrazil said:


> How about for the second para something like:
> 
> Tattered parachute flutters
> uselessly behind me.
> ...




Interesting... hummmm.... are YOU pleased with it?


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 7, 2017)

I'm not sure.  I need a bit more time and I wanted something that clears up any of the mysteries.  I think the third para will need to be reworked as well, once I get the wording right on the second.


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## NathanBrazil (Aug 7, 2017)

Well - wish I had more time, but this is what I've got so far.

I am become
a meteor
of bone and flesh.

Tattered parachute flutters
uselessly behind me,
a child’s dream
of whispered wings.

A wind as sweet
as the knife’s kiss,
touches feet
a spin of tainted bliss. -- ahhhh missed the rhyme there.  Hopefully doesn't spoil things.

A somber path
of borrowed time,
til I am become
a memory.


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