# Animal Brain



## MrTickle (Jul 12, 2017)

Hi guys, I haven't posted here in a while, in fact I haven't written much in a while and just wrote this little piece the other day. Let me know what kind of writing category this fits into, because unfortunately it probably won't!

Sparks fly,
metal and iron collide.

Grinding and carving
a father out of a rat.

There's a rat trap with no snap.

Hand pick the bats,
hanging in the black.

We are all going to need better pets,
we are all going to need to spread their treads,

that tend to trend
necessity over bluster.


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Hi guys, I haven't posted here in a while, in fact I haven't written much in a while and just wrote this little piece the other day. Let me know what kind of writing category this fits into, because unfortunately it probably won't!
> 
> Sparks fly,
> metal and iron collide.
> ...





" Grinding and carving
a father out of a rat"

 AWESOME lines.... but then, the poem was derailed for me... went off track and I lost that awesome vibe...
Hey Mr. T... so nice to have you posting your unique poetry again


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## sas (Jul 12, 2017)

OK, you didn't bore me.

At first, I thought this about conflict between a father & son. Sparks fly, metal and iron collide. I'm thinkin' kapow. Great description of that relationship. 

But, for that interpretation it would have needed to read: Grinding and carving a rat out of a father. (I thought you accidentally reversed...ha)

Even next line would work: There's a rat trap with no snap.

And, then, I'm lost, so lost, not new for me. Sorry.


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## Rick Keeble (Jul 12, 2017)

Hi, Tickle,

The first half really drew me in and just as I thought I was finding my way out of the maze, came the "hand pick the bats". The next line works with "bats" but I'm just lost after that!

I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful. Cheers


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## MrTickle (Jul 12, 2017)

Well thanks guys for the feedback! I'm a little rusty and haven't written much recently. I will try and keep my poems on track but I just find it so difficult to not let them go where they want to go. Cheers!


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Hi guys, I haven't posted here in a while, in fact I haven't written much in a while and just wrote this little piece the other day. Let me know what kind of writing category this fits into, because unfortunately it probably won't!
> 
> Sparks fly,
> metal and iron collide.
> ...


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## MrTickle (Jul 12, 2017)

I thought of it as someone who wished humans had animals sensibilities and behaved the ways animals do.


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> I thought of it as someone who wished humans had animals sensibilities and behaved the ways animals do.





:icon_cheesygrin: OOps..................................................................... sorry...


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## MrTickle (Jul 12, 2017)

Haha, it's an easy misinterpretation to make !


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Haha, it's an easy misinterpretation to make !




Yeah... :glee:


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## ned (Jul 13, 2017)

hello - have to agree with others (annoyingly) that this seems to lose focus.

your message just isn't coming across.

I would take it back to the forge - and all the imagery inherent there - horseshoes etc?

keep on scratchin'
Ned


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## MrTickle (Jul 13, 2017)

Ok, I've never posted a revised poem before, but here goes! I've tried to take your advice on board and tried to put more of a focus into the poem lol, so let me know if you feel if this is better or, uh, worse! Thanks.

Sparks fly,
 metal and iron collide.

 Grinding and carving
 a father out of a rat.

Keeping a rat trap with no snap.
In this harsh world, better kept alive,
they know  how to survive.

When life has one goal
it’s easier to make peace with the whole.

Their brain’s need to be foraged
like a video tape being gutted.

So we can watch and wonder
how they rely on necessity over bluster.


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## Firemajic (Jul 13, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Ok, I've never posted a revised poem before, but here goes! I've tried to take your advice on board and tried to put more of a focus into the poem lol, so let me know if you feel if this is better or, uh, worse! Thanks.
> 
> Sparks fly,
> metal and iron collide.
> ...


*** STILL not sure who "THEY" are.... you have not spoke of bluster or necessity, you have not introduced this concept, so why would you conclude your poem with a foreign thought> You just threw more chaos into my tiny brain... I just cannot connect the dots...
Stanzas are supposed to work together, leading your reader from point A to B to C.... not from A to P to H to Z....each of your stanzas act as a separate entity ...not enhancing and working with the prior stanza... and THAT causes lack of cohesion and chaos....


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## MrTickle (Jul 13, 2017)

Thanks firemajic for the very helpful feedback. I can definitely see where I don't lead on with each stanza and it looks very disjointed. I have revised again lol, and have attempted to try and make it lead on more and make sense. Here goes!

Sparks fly, 
metal and iron collide.

Grinding and carving 
a father out of a rat,
not much of a change from my last dad.

My last was also made of vermin
he stunk and kicked me till I started learning.

This time he can stink and shout
but he will be easy to clout.

Perhaps he'll teach me something
about gathering food and living
instead of kicking me to heaven.


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## Firemajic (Jul 13, 2017)

:congratulatory::applause::applause::applause: Absolutely MUCH easier to follow and understand... Most writers want their reader to understand and "get" their message, this allows the reader to empathize and connect with the writer, and you did that with your rewrite... how do you feel about your poem? Does it still express what you intended?


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## ned (Jul 13, 2017)

hello - as Fire says, really

it's good you are working at it, and heading in the right direction.

the writing still needs attention - think about the cadence of each line - swap things around
and try to get a rhythm - and experiment with assonance, to pick up the beat.

rather too much violence, for me - allude to it, but don't reveal it until the climax - for impact.

till = 'til - 

have fun...
Ned


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## sas (Jul 13, 2017)

Excellent last rewrite.  Now try to hone out a few words.  This is hard to do because we are taught to write in very complete sentences. Poems require complete thoughts with the fewest possible words. For instance:

Grinding and carving 
a father out of a rat,
not much (of a) change from my last dad.

See what else you can do.  Nice work.  sas


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## MrTickle (Jul 13, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> :congratulatory::applause::applause::applause: Absolutely MUCH easier to follow and understand... Most writers want their reader to understand and "get" their message, this allows the reader to empathize and connect with the writer, and you did that with your rewrite... how do you feel about your poem? Does it still express what you intended?


Thanks firemajic and ned! And yes I still does say what I originally intended but also kind of goes on a different direction which I also like more!


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## Firemajic (Jul 13, 2017)

MrTickle said:


> Thanks firemajic and ned! And yes I still does say what I originally intended but also kind of goes on a different direction which I also like more!




Ha! That is the beauty and value of critique and feedback, it gives the writer a different POV.... fabulous! Now that you understand how to make stanzas work and guide your reader, like stepping stones, NOW you can do as ned and sas suggested... fine tune it... this is really where you can get creative with imagery and word choice... like an artist who adds subtle shading and textures to enhance and add drama and emotion...


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## Warhol (Jul 24, 2017)

I very much enjoyed it. My favorite line was "There's a rat trap with no snap."


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jul 25, 2017)

Sublime piece.


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