# All in the Mind



## jenthepen (Jul 11, 2015)

Barriers tall, unscalable wall,
Lost sunshine through the cracks.

  I’ve looked around and tried to see
  Who holds the key to set me free
  And then I found that it was me.


----------



## PiP (Jul 11, 2015)

I loved this poem, Jen. Clean and straight to the point with a clear message for the reader.

The only part I stumbled on was
_I’ve looked around and tried to see

_I wonder if
_I looked around and tried to see
_​would read better?


----------



## musichal (Jul 11, 2015)

Sometimes we are our own prisoner.


----------



## escorial (Jul 11, 2015)

fast read...melodic and clean..nice


----------



## Darkkin (Jul 11, 2015)

PiP said:


> I loved this poem, Jen. Clean and straight to the point with a clear message for the reader.
> 
> The only part I stumbled on was
> _I’ve looked around and tried to see
> ...



What about leaving off the I entirely?  e.g. Looked around and tried to see.  Hold off with the pronoun just that little bit longer to make the reader wonder just a _little_ bit more.  Overall, I liked it.  A simple truth, we are our own worst enemy on occasion.  It happens to everyone.


----------



## Nellie (Jul 11, 2015)

My kind of poem, short and to the point. It's "all in the mind", even our POV.  K.I.S.


----------



## Cato (Jul 11, 2015)

Love this poem - but in stanza 1, you just completely mix up your rhyming scheme and meter, in line one you have a nice internal rhyme, line two, nothing. As for the meter I just have no idea. As for stanza 2, you have a nice tetrameter, and simple AAA rhyming scheme.  Nice ideas, but i really dont think these two verses belong together, you could have stanza 2 just completely on its own.


----------



## writingworld (Jul 11, 2015)

Very nice. I like the message of that we hold ourselves back. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy/critic.


----------



## jenthepen (Jul 12, 2015)

PiP said:


> I loved this poem, Jen. Clean and straight to the point with a clear message for the reader.
> 
> The only part I stumbled on was
> _I’ve looked around and tried to see
> ...



  Thanks PiP and I like your suggestion. Changing to ‘I’ would improve the flow. Thanks for that.



musichal said:


> Sometimes we are our own prisoner.



  It seems that way, Hal. More often than not we hold ourselves back through fear or lack of confidence. It cost me many years of progress.



escorial said:


> fast read...melodic and clean..nice



  Thanks, Escorial. Your signature, together with some recent conversations prompted this little burst of thought. 




Darkkin said:


> What about leaving off the I entirely?  e.g. Looked around and tried to see.  Hold off with the pronoun just that little bit longer to make the reader wonder just a _little_ bit more.  Overall, I liked it.  A simple truth, we are our own worst enemy on occasion.  It happens to everyone.



  Thanks Darkkin. I love the reason for your suggested change. You have a wonderful talent for getting inside the story and really feeling it. Only the change of rhythm that your suggestion would create makes me hesitate but I will give it a lot of thought. Thanks!




Nellie said:


> My kind of poem, short and to the point. It's "all in the mind", even our POV.  K.I.S.



  Thanks Nellie. Yep, short and simple – just like me – oh, except I’m kinda tall. lol.




Cato said:


> Love this poem - but in stanza 1, you just completely mix up your rhyming scheme and meter, in line one you have a nice internal rhyme, line two, nothing. As for the meter I just have no idea. As for stanza 2, you have a nice tetrameter, and simple AAA rhyming scheme.  Nice ideas, but i really dont think these two verses belong together, you could have stanza 2 just completely on its own.



  Thanks for the critique, Cato and I have no argument with your appraisal of the structure of this poem. You have summed up my style pretty accurately! You have a lot of knowledge of the technical aspects of poetry and I admire that.

  If you check out my poems, you will find that I change meter and rhyming scheme in many of them. This is not altogether based on ignorance but is often because I follow the demands of my ear and emotions to produce a piece of art that satisfies the feeling that I’m trying to convey.

  I can best describe it by telling you about my second passion – gardening. When I work on an area in my garden, my husband (an engineer) tries to ‘correct’ my rambling planting scheme and rock constructions because, to him, creation is about angles and measurements and needs to follow set rules.

  Who knows which way is best?





writingworld said:


> Very nice. I like the message of that we hold ourselves back. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy/critic.



  Thanks writingworld, I appreciate the kind words and the understanding.

jen


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2015)

:tickled_pink: jen... I adore poems that have messages like this one.. the reader comes away with something to ponder... but, it is the way that YOU express this that makes it soooo fabulous.. your style, your voice.. and I love that.. the YOU in this poem makes your message not only powerful, but poetically beautiful as well...Thank you.. you nailed this message to the poetic cross of unfortunate truth... Peace my friend..


----------



## Mesafalcon (Jul 12, 2015)

Liked the opening line, and the poem was short and sweet (I can't get into the looong ones).

7/10


----------



## CoercedAntiHero (Jul 13, 2015)

musichal said:


> Sometimes we are our own prisoner.



Truth.


----------



## rcallaci (Jul 13, 2015)

jen

I took the key and hid it. That's what devils do.:spidey: 

enjoyed - wisdom poetry done well...

warmest
bob


----------



## jenthepen (Jul 13, 2015)

I knew you'd got into my head, Bob, but hiding keys is bad - very BAD!


----------

