# A Very Tentative Beginning (Fantasy, 706 words)



## Alehkra (Oct 24, 2013)

I have a story idea that I've been kicking around for some time now. While I have some preliminary sketches for the setting and certain characters in the works, as of yet I've done very little actual writing with it. I finally decided to try and write an opening, so I can try and get a general feel for it. I managed to crunch out a pretty short work, but I myself am feeling quite leery about it. I can't decide whether it simply needs some work, or whether I should scrap the piece altogether and try it from a different angle. I've decided to put the matter before the fine folks on this forum. In short, I need some advice and constructive criticism on a short, very rough draft. Many thanks in advance. 

Nameless (tentative working title for the project as a whole)
By Alehkra

    The savage men of the far North have a peculiar belief. As with so many of their traditions, this tale begins in bloody conflict. The nature of the battle matters very little. It might be a titanic struggle to decide the fate of nations, or it could just as easily be the result of a simple cattle raid gone wrong. So long as men meet in a brutal contest of strength and will, the story holds. The myths of the Northmen are as indiscriminate as they.


    Imagine, for example, a small, insignificant skirmish on the forested outskirts of a farming village far from more urbane civilization. Amidst these silent, brooding evergreens bloody blades dance past hasty defences, and with a steely snicker cut deep into flesh. Stout shields of oak and pine splinter under merciless flurries of axe strikes. Large bearded men clad in the skins of wolves and bears spit curses into the faces of stoic enemies encased in mail and plate. As their brutal struggle rages, their freely flowing blood seeps into the torn earth to feed the greedy roots of those great evergreens. 


    Just as the why and where of the battle matters not, so too is the outcome of the battle incidental to the tale our Northern friends might tell. Perhaps, with feral war cries on their bloodied lips, the fur-clad men triumph over their steel-shod foes. Or it might be those disciplined men in armor who stand alone on the scarred battlefield before kneeling in prayer to the Gods of War. Who's to say who will win in any such struggle? It may even be that none will emerge victorious. It might be that the only testament to their lives is the corpse-strewn undergrowth of the forgotten forest on the edge of that unimportant village.


    Either way, all the tales agree that they will come. For a battle of hundreds and thousands they will come in droves, whole clans of the diminutive figures picking through the dead. For a skirmish such as this, however, there is no need for such numbers. One would certainly suffice. The vibrant flowers strewn through her long black hair and her dress of leaves and vines would be in poignant contrast to the ragged corpses and slick smears of blood. She would glide with an unearthly grace through trees, kneeling occasionally to whisper gently to the torn body of a particularly valorous warrior.


    At some point she may even pause with her heart still as she hovers above a particular fighter. She would notice how much he stands out from the others with his foreign robe and curiously curved sword with only one edge. Her heart would catch in her chest, and tears might fill her gentle blue eyes as she kneels next to the prone form. With a strange tenderness she might brush the bloody blond hair away from his pale face. Despite herself, a sob could escape her lips as she beholds the deep blue, almost purple eyes staring lifelessly.


    It is possible that she would lean close to dead man who seems far too young to be slain so savagely. As with the others she would whisper softly in his unhearing ears, though these words she has said to no other. As her tears fall to run unheeded down his listless cheeks, she might lay one last lingering kiss upon his cold lips. Her duty thus completed, she would of course stand to her feet, and without a backwards glance glide forever away from the gloomy forest, the only evidence of her passing the whisper lingering on the breeze; _Not yet, my love. It is too early for you to rest just yet, for the Mother needs you still. _


    Such is the story that one of our friends from the icy islands might tell. Such tales are common amongst those people. Tales of graceful girlish creatures of the forest who glide noiselessly amongst the dead, whispering soft words of encouragement to the cowards and marking the heroes for greatness in the next life. In such a warlike culture, these creatures, these choosers of the slain, must surely be a great comfort. Still, as all men know, savages will believe almost any such nonsense...​


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## The Tourist (Oct 24, 2013)

Wow.  Keep writing.  I've heard the whispers...


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## WechtleinUns (Oct 25, 2013)

It's an interesting premise. However, I can see why you might be having trouble with it. Is the main conflict of the story the narrator's nonbelief in the nonsense? If it is, then you might want to think about adding some additional sources of conflict. Clearly, if the man is dying in these hills, and one of these creatures appears to him, then he'll have his answer. Unfortunately, at that point he would be dead, and the story would be over.

Of course, that could form the plot of a short story. But a novel might be more difficult. Nobody would be preoccupied with a problem long enough for any sort of realistic conclusion. Because the appearance would have to be at the end of the novel, you'd need a lot more to fill the beginning and middle.

I'm thinking that, maybe this narrator is some sort of learned man, who has been dispatched to these lands to try to figure out just what these creatures are. Along the way, he may find that these beings are not what they seem. Alternatively, he could be involved in some sort of conflict in these lands, and does see one of these creatures when he's near death. But for some particular reason, he doesn't die. Something goes wrong, and now he has to figure out the mystery/problem/whatever.

Either way, this is definitely an mystery type plot.


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## TheLamprey (Oct 25, 2013)

I have no words but this, please, teach me to write in such awe inspiring of combat. I spend most of my time developing a world, and then finally, when I'm finally ready to sit down and write a bloody, gritty, war filled book (That of my imagination), I have no creative assets left, and I am sickened by that which I have born life unto. This is a beautiful piece and I beg you to continue to write such works


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## Alehkra (Oct 26, 2013)

WechtleinUns said:


> It's an interesting premise. However, I can see why you might be having trouble with it. Is the main conflict of the story the narrator's nonbelief in the nonsense? If it is, then you might want to think about adding some additional sources of conflict. Clearly, if the man is dying in these hills, and one of these creatures appears to him, then he'll have his answer. Unfortunately, at that point he would be dead, and the story would be over.
> 
> Of course, that could form the plot of a short story. But a novel might be more difficult. Nobody would be preoccupied with a problem long enough for any sort of realistic conclusion. Because the appearance would have to be at the end of the novel, you'd need a lot more to fill the beginning and middle.
> 
> ...



To be perfectly honest? The narrator has very little (read: nothing) to do with the story as a whole. The project as a whole will be narrated in the 3rd person limited style by varying characters. The main character is the dying man, who is quite distinct from the narrator at this point. This is simply something of a rough prologue, and I thought a disinterested, scholarly observer might be an interesting way to go about the opening.


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## monseratthefool (Oct 30, 2013)

Alehkra said:


> I have a story idea that I've been kicking around for some time now. While I have some preliminary sketches for the setting and certain characters in the works, as of yet I've done very little actual writing with it. I finally decided to try and write an opening, so I can try and get a general feel for it. I managed to crunch out a pretty short work, but I myself am feeling quite leery about it. I can't decide whether it simply needs some work, or whether I should scrap the piece altogether and try it from a different angle. I've decided to put the matter before the fine folks on this forum. In short, I need some advice and constructive criticism on a short, very rough draft. Many thanks in advance.
> 
> Nameless (tentative working title for the project as a whole)
> By Alehkra
> ...



Fabulously done.  This stands alone well as a short story, and I'm unsure as to what would come next, but I think its a formidable start.  You are very skilled, and I hope you keep telling this story!


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## Higurro (Oct 31, 2013)

Poetic writing has a time a place that is sometimes not suitable. Here, however, I think it's perfect as it recalls the epic poems and sense of firesideliness that tales of battles and beardy men with swords need. The fact that it's well written only helps its case. My only question was that I wondered who was narrating it to start with. Whose voice is it? I guess we'll find out, and of course it only makes sense if they are themselves disillusioned with the "glory" of the battle, so I can see why your dying character would think this. What happens next is anyone's guess. Does he recover? Does he die? Does he come back to life? 

My gut feeling is that the next step is to slow down a bit. I always think that starting writing is like getting into a bath. Regardless of how hot or cold it is, it always feels too much of one or the other as we adjust, but then once you're in you can get down to the serious business of doing nothing. Now we've done the clambering and the toe-testing we have to bathe.


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## Alehkra (Nov 1, 2013)

Thank you all very much for the feedback, you're all being too kind. It's really not good for my ego, you know.  It's always nice that my writing could be enjoyed by even a few people.

@Higurro: Very well put with the bathtub metaphor, by the by.


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## Caragula (Nov 5, 2013)

It's a nice piece of writing, it draws you along and doesn't jar anywhere, which is great.  I think the opening: "It might be a titanic struggle to decide the fate of nations" would read better as "It might decide the fate of nations"


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 11, 2013)

'Might' and 'could be' don't sit well in an introduction to me, I look for something definite to catch the imagination and stop those first sentences rambling on.

Look, nothing added, but I think less is more:-
"A titanic struggle to decide the fate of nations, a simple cattle raid gone wrong, so long as men meet in a brutal contest of strength and will, the story holds.


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## Audrey_Archard (Nov 11, 2013)

Alehkra, I really like your _voice. _

"Just as the why  and where of the battle matters not, so too is the outcome of the battle  incidental to the tale our Northern friends might tell. Perhaps, with  feral war cries on their bloodied lips, the fur-clad men triumph over  their steel-shod foes. Or it might be those disciplined men in armor who  stand alone on the scarred battlefield before kneeling in prayer to the  Gods of War. Who's to say who will win in any such struggle? It may  even be that none will emerge victorious. It might be that the only  testament to their lives is the corpse-strewn undergrowth of the  forgotten forest on the edge of that unimportant village.


    Either way, all the tales agree that they will  come. For a battle of hundreds and thousands they will come in droves,  whole clans of the diminutive figures picking through the dead. For a  skirmish such as this, however, there is no need for such numbers. One  would certainly suffice. The vibrant flowers strewn through her long  black hair and her dress of leaves and vines would be in poignant  contrast to the ragged corpses and slick smears of blood. She would  glide with an unearthly grace through trees, kneeling occasionally to  whisper gently to the torn body of a particularly valorous warrior."

I don't have much of a critique other than _keep it going!  _


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## Hopscotch (Nov 13, 2013)

I like it allot. Though actually the path of what is actually going on is difficult to follow though i picked it up near the end. If this didnt take a long time to write- you write very poetically, if it didnt - you think very poetically - and thats scary!!!. Though possibly when your writing you could think ok this sounds brilliant (which it does) and i truly mean that id say i didnt like it if i didnt. But think of me the reader i was thinking in the first three paragraphs this sounds beautiful but i got no feckin idea whats going on. Who do i side with am i indifferent? Why are they my bretheren? Its early days though. Apart from that nice one. Defo could set it to some folk music!


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## Alehkra (Nov 14, 2013)

Olly Buckle said:


> 'Might' and 'could be' don't sit well in an introduction to me, I look for something definite to catch the imagination and stop those first sentences rambling on.
> 
> Look, nothing added, but I think less is more:-
> "A titanic struggle to decide the fate of nations, a simple cattle raid gone wrong, so long as men meet in a brutal contest of strength and will, the story holds.



Would you mind elaborating on this a little? I have a tendency towards overwrought prose, and that's something I've been trying to work on. You seem to be saying that for that particular passage I made it a little too complex, and that it might benefit from a bit of trimming. Would you say that this holds true for the work as a whole?


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## Olly Buckle (Nov 14, 2013)

> You seem to be saying that for that particular passage I made it a little too complex, and that it might benefit from a bit of trimming. Would you say that this holds true for the work as a whole?



That was not quite it. It was not complexity but the nature of the words, I know the overall impression is deliberately indefinite, but I felt it was an error to make the first paragraph so, I would expect it to be offputting rather than drawing readers in. I may be completely wrong of course.

I didn't feel there was any particularly purple prose, I noticed the odd thing "The myths of the Northmen are as indiscriminate as they _are_." Not using the 'are' is a good dramatic verbal trick, I am not so sure it works as well in writing. Speech passes quickly and is gone, the written word remains to be read back again, it is a bit like the relationship between poetry and song lyrics in that respect. Doing these things makes a piece of writing more than a factual account and you are obviously getting many things right.


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## Tbird0000 (Nov 15, 2013)

Very nice writing. Love the way the words flow. And very good with not using words repetitively. Thats always a challenge. Me likey.


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## Alehkra (Nov 16, 2013)

Tbird0000 said:


> Very nice writing. Love the way the words flow. And very good with not using words repetitively. Thats always a challenge. Me likey.



Why thank you. 

@Olly Buckle: Thanks a lot for the feedback, I'll make sure to keep it in mind the future. Much appreciated


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## CraniumInsanium (Nov 17, 2013)

Alehkra, this piece was done very well for a "rough draft". Personally this feels like the prologue in the beginning of a book, as you mentioned this from a scholars perspective. My only advice is that I got caught up once in _this _paragraph



> Either way, all  the tales agree that they will come. For a battle of hundreds and  thousands they will come in droves, whole clans of the diminutive  figures picking through the dead. For a skirmish such as this, however,  there is no need for such numbers. One would certainly suffice. The  vibrant flowers strewn through her long black hair and her dress of  leaves and vines would be in poignant contrast to the ragged corpses and  slick smears of blood. She would glide with an unearthly grace through  trees, kneeling occasionally to whisper gently to the torn body of a  particularly valorous warrior.



The transition from _diminuuitive figures_ to the _black haired woman_ caught me off guard and I had to go back and reread it. I couldn't tell if more warriors, or people were doing the picking. It might benefit if you specified who the people searching the corpses were and then changing the narration briefly.

"On this day, there are none of the usual cries of grievance from clan, just a single solitary figure walking alone through the fog clovering the bodies on the snow. Her black hair and leaves....." as an example of how I would have tried to fix that. 

My only other advice might be to read some of the Norse myths. It _alsmost_ sounds like you're talking about Valkyries, and drawing from sources that already similarly parallel your story might get the creative juices flowing. Hope that helps!


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## Elvenswordsman (Dec 8, 2013)

Just a quick note: Periods. You use them a lot.


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## glenn84 (Dec 9, 2013)

I enjoyed this piece. The writing is very fluid and I never stopped to go over any sentences. This stands alone perfectly as a short story or a prologue for a novel in my mind. Keep writing! :nevreness:


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## stew1426 (Dec 10, 2013)

You've definitely great, epic-style voice. I think the premise is strong and promising and you have the skills to flesh it out into a great story. The only thing I feel the story needs is a stronger sense of who's narrating it. I think some others have mentioned this as well. I like the idea of the skeptic, foreign scholar who ventures into the North and has his notions shattered as he delves further into the supernatural aspects of its culture. Even if the narrator is more of an omniscient voice, I would still like to feel that voice is strong and consistent. The narrator, even if it's a disembodied voice, still seems to have his/her own lens and perspective, and, therefore, is much a character in its own right.

Also, I'm being kind of nitpicky, but the "Imagine, for example" takes me out of the story. Make me imagine it, don't instruct me to.

Really solid. Enjoy it a lot.


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## Alehkra (Dec 15, 2013)

Elvenswordsman said:


> Just a quick note: Periods. You use them a lot.



Do most people not?


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## Your New Rival (Dec 15, 2013)

A really nice piece, very poetic and descriptive. It might be a good idea to elaborate the difference in their fighting styles a bit more. Where the soldiers would be in formation, strategical and precise- the Norse would be wild. Perhaps you could even mention a "Beserker" that is cleaving through foes.
Good work and I hope to see more!


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## Katon (Dec 16, 2013)

Very great voice. I really enjoy this work for the complexity of language and syntax that you use. However, you have several comma splices, (though I tend to make the same mistake) just something to watch out for. As far as this being a work of any length: it seems more like a novel than a short story idea. The reason why I say that is I see a greater more encompassing struggle here. Who is the mother? Why does the Mother need this man? Who are these beings that these stories speak of? Are there other beings like them? Who are each of the tribes, nations, territories, or whoever that is fighting? Why do they fight? All of these, and much more are major details that are pertinent to the development of your story that could be bled out out in a pretty good sized novel. 
I also have to agree on the use of such uncertain words such as "might" or, "could be," I'll admit that there are times that this is appropriate. In this case, you built this whole story, this whole setting only to completely invalidate it at the end by saying, "Such is the story that one of our friends from the icy islands *might* tell..." You built your story to this point, and it feels like you threw it away in such an uncertain statement. As if the narrator just delegated what was just said to being just another fanciful.


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## glenn84 (Dec 18, 2013)

You know what, now that I've read it a couple times, I have to agree with Katon. This would make a perfect prologue to a novel. There isn't really much structure for it to standalone as a short story. You could, however, with a bit of work, turn it into a full blown short story if you'd like. You've laid out all the pieces, now you just have to put them in their places.


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## MyloAyjack (Dec 20, 2013)

Your way of weaving description is captivating. You have a gift for fiction, I think. You also have the inkling of a great premise. I'd like to see this grow into a broader work. It certainly was inspiring! You've planted a host of seeds in my little brain!


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## Ninjabobdude (Dec 30, 2013)

Wow. That was an incredible piece. It gave me chills. You have serious talent.


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## thepancreas11 (Jan 2, 2014)

It paints a pretty picture of these "angels of mercy", but if your point is the dying man, it's a bit lost here.  I appreciate the ambiguity of the beginning, actually, because that reminds me a lot of the epic poems and old stories I've read, and it puts me in a "fire-side story" kind of mode.  You do well to put that air to it.  I think as you go on, you might lose a bit of the ambiguity, like editing the line

Despite herself, a sob could escape her lips as she beholds the deep blue, almost purple eyes staring lifelessly

​you should lose the "could".  This will make the reader identify this man as important, otherwise, even though he is clearly described and thus defined, the story feels like it's about her rather than him.

I enjoy the idea of other people telling his story from first person points of view; it feeds to the "fire-side story" aspect I think readers want out of a tale like this.  You've got a fantastic idea moving forward.  I would love to read on.


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