# Scores: January 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Feb 2, 2022)

Scores time! Apologies for me being ever-so-slightly two days late.   


EntryVrangerrobertTCWMatchuAVERAGENotesThe Long Road by Birb16.515.615.514*15.4*Untitled by ChicagoHeart1616.91614*15.725*Memories in the Wind by Ken111314.814.5DQ*DQ*Over word limitAfternoon Everywhere by Biograph198515.516.917.517.9*16.95*Mirae by KatPC1718.61215.8*15.85*Aeolian by piperofyork18.517.417.2516*17.2875**3rd*Helping Wings by Travalgar18.515.714.7516.6*16.3875*Audio Fae by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord1818.61817.5*18.025**1st*Of Purest Heart by NajaNoir1815.914.7517*16.4125*Where is the Snow Now? by Lawless17.517.11916*17.4**2nd*The Mountain by petergrimes12141117.5*13.625*The Wind That Didn't Blow by epimetheus1518.41317.7*16.025*

Many thanks to all of you! If you'[re a first-timer, don't be troubled if you didn't get a top score straight away. It takes time to hone one's skills in these challenges.

These are our January winners...

*1st: Audio Fae by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord*
*2nd: Where is the Snow Now? by Lawless*
*3rd: Aeolian*_* by piperofyork*_

Many thanks to our judges, *vranger,* *robertn51*, *The ChristianWitness *and* Matchu*, for their judgements. Here are the comments...



Spoiler: Vranger Scores



*“The Long Road” - Birb*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16.5*

This is certainly effective, gut-wrenching writing. The voice and the pace lift it off the page. I didn’t really buy the connection to the prompt, which dragged on the last two scores, but that’s a manifestation of the contest, not the effectiveness of the authorship.

*“untitled” - ChicagoHeart*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 16.0*

Two stories in a row of stress in the family. A few SPaG issues here in punctuation, and grandad is likely missing a ‘d”. I think this very effectively evokes the feeling in families where parents argue in screaming matches. I sure heard a few in my day. A lot of times, the prompt seems tacked on a bit, and I got that impression here, too. I might just be me, but I like to see the prompt as a more integral element of the entire piece.

*“Memories in the Wind” - Ken11*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 3.5
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.0
*Total 13.0*

A poignant story, but there were some issues. Some phrasing was awkard, and some just incorrect “ings” where the “ing” should not be … and too many semi-colons where periods would better serve. The transition at the end was too abrupt for me, and once again I wasn’t sold on the connection to the prompt.

*“Afternoon Everywhere” - biograph1985*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 3.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15.5*

I wasn’t really moved by these characters. In SPaG there was a comma that should have been a period, and a broken tense from present to past. I have no complaints about the qualify of the prose. It tells the story, I’d have just liked to see more oomph to the story.

*“Mirae” - KatPC*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

I like this, and I’d like even more to read the full story of the story in the story. ;-) A couple of long sentences could have benefited from commas to guide the reader’s eye. Once again, I just wasn’t wow’d by the connection to the prompt. The first entry to nail the prompt is likely to get a dynamite score from me, because no one has done that yet. LOL

*“Aeolian” - piperofyork*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

After just noting that I hadn’t yet been impressed by a connection to the prompt, I got it here. The story is well written and I got the motivation of the characters, yet somehow I didn’t feel well grounded in the premise. That is oftentimes the nature of these short word counts, though. But so far, this story is my highest grade by a fairly wide margin. Another good entry, piper.

*“Helping Wings” - Travalgar*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

I thought this a well written variation on a familiar fable, and the story of raising the chick could be a book all by itself. Especially in the first act, I completely bought into the world. Well written.

*“Audio Fae” - anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

With a more powerful connection to the prompt, this might well have been my high score. It’s well written and I thought showed fantastic imagination. It’s a story I’d like to read in expended form.

*“Of Purest Heart” - NajaNoir*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

A few comma issues (missing here and extra there) are the ding on SPaG. The story is delightful. Constructionwise, I’d have like to know a bit more about the importance of releasing the spirits. That lack left me without a full feeling for the accomplishment. But this is a very pretty story, and another in this month’s list which deserves a longer treatment.

*“Where is the snow now?” - anonymous*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.5*

The sprinkling of haiku and senryu made this story stand out, and the implementation was inventive. I never quite connected with Shiboryo objective in finding peace, at least in detail, so I was left guessing. Filling in that blank would have elevated my last two scores.

*“The Mountain” - anonymous*

SPAG 2.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 2.5
Reaction 3.0
*Total 12.0*

There is a lot of beauty in this writing, but the SPaG score was dragged down by slews of run-on sentences. The problem with so many illustrative phrases in one sentence is that the reader loses track of what the author believes to be important at the moment. It’s a simple correction to elevate would otherwise be evocative prose to a far superior presentation. The other issue is I simply felt no connection to the prompt. The sole “wind that whispers down the chimney” doesn’t sell it to me.
So that pulled on Evaluation, which in turn collides with Reaction. You see my feeling for this writing’s potential in my Tone score.

*“The wind that didn’t blow” - epimetheus*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 15.0*

SPaG hinged on a missing word (pitcher beer) and a punctuation goof in the very last line. If you have a period after sighed, you’re fine. ;-) I liked the picture created of the space station, but I found the dialogue a bit flat, and again only the most tenuous invocation of the prompt.





Spoiler: robertn51 Scores



"The Long Road"
Birb
Total: 15.6

Review:

Chilling voice, nearly perfectly rendered. A victim's implacable anger thrust deeply into the page. The frustrating emptiness of horror, realized, and left asking. Were it not for SP&G troubles and some word choice difficulties, some awkward constructions, extraneous foreshadowing, etc., all combining to interrupt the experience and unfolding of this piece, one might have come away brutally shaken. Awesome. Terrible. The reader was unprepared. Not for everyone.

SP&G: 2.9
T&V: 4.9
Eval: 3.3
React: 4.5

-------------------

Untitled ("The Wind Howls...")
ChicagoHeart
Total: 16.9

Review:

Struggled to discern whether this was imaginative narrative or reportage. Decided it was reportage because of a lack of narrative conflict. Expressing others' bad behavior and then protectively reacting to and enduring it plays poorly as story. The innocent wounded tug the heart strings, though. Makes one wince, remembering even the rarest times the kids in my care experienced arguments and absences.

SP&G: 3.6
T&V: 4.8
Eval: 4.5
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Memories In The Wind"
Ken11
Total: 14.8

Review:

This promised something interesting, but the choice of structure got in the way. Making most of the piece a story being spoken by a character who was not the main character was confusing. And then, when the second character takes over, the events of the first, speaking character do not reflect upon the events/resolution of the second character. Frustration appeared, because the unearned conclusion of the second character was tantalizing.

SP&G: 4.1
T&V: 4.1
Eval: 3.6
React: 3.0

-------------------

"Afternoon Everywhere"
Biograph1985
Total: 16.9

Review:

The reader was curious and then distracted ("Australia" has four syllables in American English, and three in two of the six variants spoken in Oz-stra-ya [Sydney Morning Herald]). Probably not at all what the author expected or wanted. Overall the tale felt a little forced, as if the last fine and chilling paragraph (some lives will end alone) was the goal, but the facts leading up to it weren't quite laid during the course of the text. Rather like there were two pieces merged? Might do with some attention to dialogue, especially the way normal talking tends to drop proper nouns when there's only a pair speaking, especially when familiars. And the narrator's tone wandered a bit, slipping in and out of character.

SP&G: 4.6
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.3
React: 3.5

-------------------

"Mirae"
KatPC
Total: 18.6

Review:

The tone and voice showed some of the strongest examples of characterization I've seen in non-professional writing. The author got out of the way and let the characters' internal states, speech, and actions describe subtle and powerful attributes of their being. I mean, there's true showing. And in a most organic way. Can't say enough about that part of this. Sure there were punctuation issues (commas, and dialogue quoting) and one tricky English verb slip. And a couple of word-choice questions. One thing I really appreciated was the way the story dealt with a story-within-the-story in an interesting manner that sometimes blurred the distinction between the real-world reader and the story's reader. Nearly meta-textual. Some readers might not like the end "epilogue" where the narrative frame shifted. But I sensed the story-within-the-story was of an archaic tone, one where an omniscient final summary was appropriate. Even more so that the story and the story-within-the-story were subtly tracking and had a common final beat. Just ... wonderful, sensing the fiction's fiction shimmering behind and within reality's fiction. I hope this was not accidental; feels like incipient mastery unfolding.

SP&G: 4.1
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 4.6
React: 4.9

-------------------

"Aeolian"
piperofyork
Total: 17.4

Review:

Oh my. Isn't this piece the ultimate illustration of (KJV) Proverbs 16:18? I shouted aloud on the first read. Still smile and chuckle when I remember. So why isn't this a 20? A few little technical things (E.g., a "zephyr" is a soft breeze; "appall" is a transitive verb and needs a direct object; isn't enraged Seneca still sitting when the wind invites him over? Other things.) While I'm not a big fan of grandiloquent language, I think it adds a lot to the piece and the pithy denouement. But my ardent feminist facet could not countenance the presence of the female character as mere emotional token and plot-intensifying foil. (We authors make both choices and differences; better can be done.) Her misuse sullies the otherwise near-perfection of the piece.

SP&G: 4.5
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.4
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Helping Wings"
Travalgar
Total: 15.7

Review:

An interesting setting and set-up. But some word choices and events introduced inconsistencies that kept the reader from fully engaging. The reader kept popping up from the tale's play to look back or puzzle meaning. While the course of the tale drew interest there was a feeling perhaps too much was being compacted into a short form fiction, causing it to suffer? There was one significant time the text plot-pointed very hard ("...as I helped you now, so will you return the favor...") and that spoiled curiosity. A favor? Versus personal valuing? Which was a pity because the pointing wasn't necessary for the tale's mostly conflict-free play. This story deserves more room to play out and might do with some quiet slow reading time to consider word choices. (E.g, the robotic "extended his hands" vs simply "reached", etc.) More room. More personal stakes. Together deepen the tragedy's import.

SP&G: 3.5
T&V: 4.6
Eval: 3.6
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Audio Fae"
Anon_2201_1
Total: 18.6

Review:

Fascinating interwoven imagery. Fabulous collisions of competing forces of attention and fate and purpose. And the sere setting contributed, the sensual interplay of elementals making things organic. The characters were appropriately drawn and their (shown) actions illuminated their interesting interiors without spelling things out. Reading was like watching something real play out, and that's no small feat: to watch one thing and see another, to see the invisible and the felt moving through the visible and seen. A nick for light wavering in the narrative voice, felt a tone sometimes close to main character, sometimes far. Biggest detractor was problems with word choice -- a risky (and, granted, subjective) weakness for a piece so otherwise wonderfully strong with imagery. (p.s. -- maybe "Aural" vs "Audio"? bc "Audio" is recording industry term, not a natural one.)

SP&G: 5.0
T&V: 4.6
Eval: 4.2
React: 4.8

-------------------

"Of Purest Heart"
NajaNoir
Total: 15.9

Review:

Since living adjacent three-century woods, the peripatetic reader is fond of finding small whimsies people have nestled in the older trees; things such as miniature hidden doors and small craft gifts. So the idea central to this piece had a certain appeal. The piece tells a fine and inadvertent adventure -- the kind one might hope to have interrupt one's life in order to make a larger difference in the world. Within the piece is a worthwhile story, shimmering, as all stories do, behind a scrim of words. This story's scrim needs close attention, needs to be questioned and combed for misplaced and extraneous things, things preventing or misleading the reader's visibility and access. The reader desires to play the story and make it real in their dreaming; however, the scrim is being difficult. Difficult like: why tell us that distinctive fox over there appears to be "assessing" us? Isn't its ardent and insistent attention enough? Difficult like: why have us read a non sequitur campground office pamphlet when, a few gentle beats into the dream and just when needed, our fox-guide turns into a likewise-distinctive woman having the same necessities of our adventure's quest ready on her lips? Difficult like: how can we know there's a pinhole on the bottom of an ornate and obviously important box before we pick it up to look at its bottom? And why is there a pinhole at all? Don't we feel oddly energized and special while holding it? Difficult like: why must the fox give us an all-too-human "good job" nod at the close, rather than simply resting with us since we've earned recognition as one of its own? It's a good story; its scrim of words needs attention.

SP&G: 3.8
T&V: 4.3
Eval: 3.3
React: 4.5

-------------------

"Where is the snow now?"
Anon_2201_2
Total: 17.1

Review:

The use of haiku verse in "conversation with the wind" was an interesting and daring choice. The reader was intrigued and then a bit put-off when the "conversation" really didn't support the results. That is, the student's epiphany was not caused by verse preceding it but by the elder's earlier loose question that is the title. No matter. The piece was technically nearly impeccable: one misspelling I missed thrice, a wee head-hop easily corrected, and that very intrusive and perhaps unnecessary, "What of it?" blurted thought. Technically, not so bad. My gut reaction, however, is subdued. The effort real and interesting, the resolution inescapably true, but, for me, the connection between them isn't happening.

SP&G: 4.9
T&V: 4.7
Eval: 4.0
React: 3.5

-------------------

"The Mountain"
Anon_2201_3
Total: 14.0

Review:

So. Isn't writing such fun? The things one can do with it! Just amazing. This piece might get me evicted. Because the only way I could "read" it was to read it loud aloud and Pace my place with Growl and Import and Special Shouting and Maniacal Gestures -- then It worked, then I Understood. Miz Moore, in the apartment below me, was likely on the phone to the office, going, "What in hell is that crazy old White fart above me doing now?" I'd agree and just get more Emphatic finding a Dab of Will's Henry VI's worm turned within the Piece. Oh, the broken umbilical noose (ew! Just no no no Ew!) that was my bloodied flagella. I forgot to be standing up for that part, so I made no Sense, as I was collapsed in a crooked consonant wreck. And then the Rhyming parts! And Oh! Selected scintillating slytherin' silibant sections with saintly seraphim singing and speaking sense insensibly! Spectacular sparkling! Yeah, I didn't like this one so very much. But, hey, look at that impeccably pegged Tone & Voice score! Great granite grit Respect there! Mean Mother Mary Mountain's Meteor met no match, eh?

SP&G: 3.3
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 3.7
React: 2.0

-------------------

"The Wind That Didn't Blow"
epimetheus
Total: 18.4

Review:

The refreshingly foreign setting took a little imagination to bring into focused play -- it was the "gardens hung where the sky should be" passage misled me: they are not actually "hanging" up there threw me off. Then, once realization set in and I entered the rotating frame, all was comfortable and interest roared in. People being everyday casual in something so visually and mentally be-goggling. Beguiling effect. Nicely subtle interplay between the characters, too. All too human, the not-talking about what we are talking about. All-too human, too, the sorry mantra, "Then we’ll be happy, and it’ll be just like before." She did well, both demonstrating and foreshadowing the prognosis: "...like there’s a wind in here, but nothing actually moves..." Bravo, that. However, while she was pouring, I found myself whining, "She's flattening the brew!" and worrying there's going to be a foamy mess on the table as the glass overflows. Nearly impeccable execution. Some SPaG, some ambiguous constructions, and a little something for the awkward entry, thinking others not me might have more difficulty entering the frame. Otherwise, excellent writing and storytelling. (And ++1UP for not calling it a "force". Kudos.)

SP&G: 4.4
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 4.5
React: 4.5

-------------------

January 2022 Literary Maneuvers Scores
@robertn51

-----------------------------

"The Long Road"
Birb
Total: 15.6

Review:

Chilling voice, nearly perfectly rendered. A victim's implacable anger thrust deeply into the page. The frustrating emptiness of horror, realized, and left asking. Were it not for SP&G troubles and some word choice difficulties, some awkward constructions, extraneous foreshadowing, etc., all combining to interrupt the experience and unfolding of this piece, one might have come away brutally shaken. Awesome. Terrible. The reader was unprepared. Not for everyone.

SP&G: 2.9
T&V: 4.9
Eval: 3.3
React: 4.5

-------------------

Untitled ("The Wind Howls...")
ChicagoHeart
Total: 16.9

Review:

Struggled to discern whether this was imaginative narrative or reportage. Decided it was reportage because of a lack of narrative conflict. Expressing others' bad behavior and then protectively reacting to and enduring it plays poorly as story. The innocent wounded tug the heart strings, though. Makes one wince, remembering even the rarest times the kids in my care experienced arguments and absences.

SP&G: 3.6
T&V: 4.8
Eval: 4.5
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Memories In The Wind"
Ken11
Total: 14.8

Review:

This promised something interesting, but the choice of structure got in the way. Making most of the piece a story being spoken by a character who was not the main character was confusing. And then, when the second character takes over, the events of the first, speaking character do not reflect upon the events/resolution of the second character. Frustration appeared, because the unearned conclusion of the second character was tantalizing.

SP&G: 4.1
T&V: 4.1
Eval: 3.6
React: 3.0

-------------------

"Afternoon Everywhere"
Biograph1985
Total: 16.9

Review:

The reader was curious and then distracted ("Australia" has four syllables in American English, and three in two of the six variants spoken in Oz-stra-ya [Sydney Morning Herald]). Probably not at all what the author expected or wanted. Overall the tale felt a little forced, as if the last fine and chilling paragraph (some lives will end alone) was the goal, but the facts leading up to it weren't quite laid during the course of the text. Rather like there were two pieces merged? Might do with some attention to dialogue, especially the way normal talking tends to drop proper nouns when there's only a pair speaking, especially when familiars. And the narrator's tone wandered a bit, slipping in and out of character.

SP&G: 4.6
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.3
React: 3.5

-------------------

"Mirae"
KatPC
Total: 18.6

Review:

The tone and voice showed some of the strongest examples of characterization I've seen in non-professional writing. The author got out of the way and let the characters' internal states, speech, and actions describe subtle and powerful attributes of their being. I mean, there's true showing. And in a most organic way. Can't say enough about that part of this. Sure there were punctuation issues (commas, and dialogue quoting) and one tricky English verb slip. And a couple of word-choice questions. One thing I really appreciated was the way the story dealt with a story-within-the-story in an interesting manner that sometimes blurred the distinction between the real-world reader and the story's reader. Nearly meta-textual. Some readers might not like the end "epilogue" where the narrative frame shifted. But I sensed the story-within-the-story was of an archaic tone, one where an omniscient final summary was appropriate. Even more so that the story and the story-within-the-story were subtly tracking and had a common final beat. Just ... wonderful, sensing the fiction's fiction shimmering behind and within reality's fiction. I hope this was not accidental; feels like incipient mastery unfolding.

SP&G: 4.1
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 4.6
React: 4.9

-------------------

"Aeolian"
piperofyork
Total: 17.4

Review:

Oh my. Isn't this piece the ultimate illustration of (KJV) Proverbs 16:18? I shouted aloud on the first read. Still smile and chuckle when I remember. So why isn't this a 20? A few little technical things (E.g., a "zephyr" is a soft breeze; "appall" is a transitive verb and needs a direct object; isn't enraged Seneca still sitting when the wind invites him over? Other things.) While I'm not a big fan of grandiloquent language, I think it adds a lot to the piece and the pithy denouement. But my ardent feminist facet could not countenance the presence of the female character as mere emotional token and plot-intensifying foil. (We authors make both choices and differences; better can be done.) Her misuse sullies the otherwise near-perfection of the piece.

SP&G: 4.5
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.4
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Helping Wings"
Travalgar
Total: 15.7

Review:

An interesting setting and set-up. But some word choices and events introduced inconsistencies that kept the reader from fully engaging. The reader kept popping up from the tale's play to look back or puzzle meaning. While the course of the tale drew interest there was a feeling perhaps too much was being compacted into a short form fiction, causing it to suffer? There was one significant time the text plot-pointed very hard ("...as I helped you now, so will you return the favor...") and that spoiled curiosity. A favor? Versus personal valuing? Which was a pity because the pointing wasn't necessary for the tale's mostly conflict-free play. This story deserves more room to play out and might do with some quiet slow reading time to consider word choices. (E.g, the robotic "extended his hands" vs simply "reached", etc.) More room. More personal stakes. Together deepen the tragedy's import.

SP&G: 3.5
T&V: 4.6
Eval: 3.6
React: 4.0

-------------------

"Audio Fae"
Anon_2201_1
Total: 18.6

Review:

Fascinating interwoven imagery. Fabulous collisions of competing forces of attention and fate and purpose. And the sere setting contributed, the sensual interplay of elementals making things organic. The characters were appropriately drawn and their (shown) actions illuminated their interesting interiors without spelling things out. Reading was like watching something real play out, and that's no small feat: to watch one thing and see another, to see the invisible and the felt moving through the visible and seen. A nick for light wavering in the narrative voice, felt a tone sometimes close to main character, sometimes far. Biggest detractor was problems with word choice -- a risky (and, granted, subjective) weakness for a piece so otherwise wonderfully strong with imagery. (p.s. -- maybe "Aural" vs "Audio"? bc "Audio" is recording industry term, not a natural one.)

SP&G: 5.0
T&V: 4.6
Eval: 4.2
React: 4.8

-------------------

"Of Purest Heart"
NajaNoir
Total: 15.9

Review:

Since living adjacent three-century woods, the peripatetic reader is fond of finding small whimsies people have nestled in the older trees; things such as miniature hidden doors and small craft gifts. So the idea central to this piece had a certain appeal. The piece tells a fine and inadvertent adventure -- the kind one might hope to have interrupt one's life in order to make a larger difference in the world. Within the piece is a worthwhile story, shimmering, as all stories do, behind a scrim of words. This story's scrim needs close attention, needs to be questioned and combed for misplaced and extraneous things, things preventing or misleading the reader's visibility and access. The reader desires to play the story and make it real in their dreaming; however, the scrim is being difficult. Difficult like: why tell us that distinctive fox over there appears to be "assessing" us? Isn't its ardent and insistent attention enough? Difficult like: why have us read a non sequitur campground office pamphlet when, a few gentle beats into the dream and just when needed, our fox-guide turns into a likewise-distinctive woman having the same necessities of our adventure's quest ready on her lips? Difficult like: how can we know there's a pinhole on the bottom of an ornate and obviously important box before we pick it up to look at its bottom? And why is there a pinhole at all? Don't we feel oddly energized and special while holding it? Difficult like: why must the fox give us an all-too-human "good job" nod at the close, rather than simply resting with us since we've earned recognition as one of its own? It's a good story; its scrim of words needs attention.

SP&G: 3.8
T&V: 4.3
Eval: 3.3
React: 4.5

-------------------

"Where is the snow now?"
Anon_2201_2
Total: 17.1

Review:

The use of haiku verse in "conversation with the wind" was an interesting and daring choice. The reader was intrigued and then a bit put-off when the "conversation" really didn't support the results. That is, the student's epiphany was not caused by verse preceding it but by the elder's earlier loose question that is the title. No matter. The piece was technically nearly impeccable: one misspelling I missed thrice, a wee head-hop easily corrected, and that very intrusive and perhaps unnecessary, "What of it?" blurted thought. Technically, not so bad. My gut reaction, however, is subdued. The effort real and interesting, the resolution inescapably true, but, for me, the connection between them isn't happening.

SP&G: 4.9
T&V: 4.7
Eval: 4.0
React: 3.5

-------------------

"The Mountain"
Anon_2201_3
Total: 14.0

Review:

So. Isn't writing such fun? The things one can do with it! Just amazing. This piece might get me evicted. Because the only way I could "read" it was to read it loud aloud and Pace my place with Growl and Import and Special Shouting and Maniacal Gestures -- then It worked, then I Understood. Miz Moore, in the apartment below me, was likely on the phone to the office, going, "What in hell is that crazy old White fart above me doing now?" I'd agree and just get more Emphatic finding a Dab of Will's Henry VI's worm turned within the Piece. Oh, the broken umbilical noose (ew! Just no no no Ew!) that was my bloodied flagella. I forgot to be standing up for that part, so I made no Sense, as I was collapsed in a crooked consonant wreck. And then the Rhyming parts! And Oh! Selected scintillating slytherin' silibant sections with saintly seraphim singing and speaking sense insensibly! Spectacular sparkling! Yeah, I didn't like this one so very much. But, hey, look at that impeccably pegged Tone & Voice score! Great granite grit Respect there! Mean Mother Mary Mountain's Meteor met no match, eh?

SP&G: 3.3
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 3.7
React: 2.0

-------------------

"The Wind That Didn't Blow"
epimetheus
Total: 18.4

Review:

The refreshingly foreign setting took a little imagination to bring into focused play -- it was the "gardens hung where the sky should be" passage misled me: they are not actually "hanging" up there threw me off. Then, once realization set in and I entered the rotating frame, all was comfortable and interest roared in. People being everyday casual in something so visually and mentally be-goggling. Beguiling effect. Nicely subtle interplay between the characters, too. All too human, the not-talking about what we are talking about. All-too human, too, the sorry mantra, "Then we’ll be happy, and it’ll be just like before." She did well, both demonstrating and foreshadowing the prognosis: "...like there’s a wind in here, but nothing actually moves..." Bravo, that. However, while she was pouring, I found myself whining, "She's flattening the brew!" and worrying there's going to be a foamy mess on the table as the glass overflows. Nearly impeccable execution. Some SPaG, some ambiguous constructions, and a little something for the awkward entry, thinking others not me might have more difficulty entering the frame. Otherwise, excellent writing and storytelling. (And ++1UP for not calling it a "force". Kudos.)

SP&G: 4.4
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 4.5
React: 4.5

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Spoiler: TheChristianWitness Scores



#1 The Long Road
by Birb

SPaG: 3.0
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 15.5

 The strength of this piece was undoubtedly the emotional quality. My reaction was very strong, because of the stunning and unexpected ending. There were a number of SPaG issues (the greatest weakness of this piece) that could be fixed to take it to a higher level. I didn’t sense much purpose throughout the story either, but with the limited word count, I didn’t discredit for that. I was impressed with what character development and descriptive details _were_ included.

#2 ----------
by ChicagoHeart

SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 3.25
Eval: 3.5
Reac: 4.75
Overall: 16

 The strength of your piece here was its quality of extracting empathy from the reader. The relatable details helped it become more personal. The biggest difficulty I had was with the first, second, and last paragraphs and their connection to the rest of the narrative. In a way, the wind becomes a character here, which is brilliant, but at the same time, the transitions in these areas need work. Occasionally, the tone became confusing as well. Sometimes the fights between mother and father appeared nearly abusive. Other times, it seemed petty/cute. Maybe you could clear that up. My reaction score here was very high though because you captured very deep feelings. I enjoyed that. Good work!

#3 Memories in the Wind
by Ken11

SPaG: 3.5
T&V: 4
Eval: 3.5
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 14.5

At the onset, I thought this was going to be a humorous piece. The first sentence captured my imagination in a funny way as to this shepherd. You do well keeping him interesting and fresh throughout. I was imagining his voice with some kind of a cockney accent, though . . .  The biggest flaws I noticed were coherence, SPaG, and variety. The core idea seemed solid enough, but it didn’t really jump off the page.

#4 Afternoon Everywhere
by biograph1985

SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 4.75
Eval: 4
Reac: 4
Overall: 17.50

The spelling, grammar, and punctuation here were nearly impeccable. I feel like you kept your tone throughout as well. The part I liked the most was the opening lines. You grabbed the reader’s attention with a hook then gradually revealed the setting without becoming boring. We finally discover that Robert is in a hospital. The main detraction in my reaction score is the present tense throughout. It is a pet peeve of mine that I can’t get over. It seems un-literary and cheap to me. No one (or not to generalize, nearly no one) talks or tells a story like that. I also noticed that there was little variety or exceptional creativity in either the vocabulary, structure, or mechanics of the piece (again, not much to worry about in a limited “maneuver” such as this). Otherwise, the dialogue was good; there was a rise and fall in action; and an appropriate climax.

#5 Mirae
by KatPC

SPaG: 2.5
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 3.25
Reac: 2.75
Overall: 12

 The biggest distraction from all the good things in your piece is the faulty punctuation, the fragments, and the grammar mistakes. While it may seem silly to be picky, being detailed is what distinguishes a good writer from a great writer. Intentional mistakes are part of style, sure, but that should only be explored later on with more experience. I appreciated your good dialogue. I also liked the story within a story, but the jumps confused me, and I’m afraid I didn’t understand where you were taking the story. But it was good work. A little revision would sharpen it up immensely. Keep it up!

#6 Aeolian
by piperofyork

SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4
Reac: 4
Overall: 17.25

Wow! Your style is very engaging. I could feel the conflict coursing through the characters. The use of the wind as a personified being in all of its power is very interesting. The biggest flaw was the dialogue, especially between Seneca and the wind. It was hard to distinguish who was talking at many points, and often it felt like Seneca (and the wind for that matter) kept repeating himself_ over and over again, saying the same things many different ways, when he could have just said it once, more concisely, without going into the fancy phrasing, and kept it to just one or two words or a simple phrase._ I really enjoyed it, especially the powerful ending. I could feel the wind stop blowing, see Seneca lose his balance, and hear Dyani’s screams, just before the wind started blowing again. Wonderful! If you had more words, I think you could make this a lot better with backstory and such.

#7 Helping Wings
by Travalgar

SPaG: 4.25
T&V: 4
Eval: 3
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 14.75

Wow! What creativity! I liked the potential of this story a lot. Maybe it’s because of the limited word count, but I feel like things moved too fast, and you did not spend enough time explaining. Things just . . . happened without context. The purpose and tone are strong, and there is a definite conclusion, but I felt like the progression was very haphazard. More refining would do wonders to this piece. I felt captivated throughout but slightly disappointed at the end of it all.

#8 Audio Fae
by an anonymous author

SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.25
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18

 I saw mostly good things here. It was a story where the ending actually grabbed me (as long as I understood it correctly). I gathered that she would one day die and become like that white creature. As for areas to improve, I would watch pronouns. Sometimes they would get confusing—that last sentence, for instance. It had been 128 words since you last mentioned Sam’s name. Especially for the ending sentence, it’s important for us to get antecedents instead of pronouns. Overall, though, I enjoyed it. The description of the school was really good. I could see myself there with the characters. The dynamic between Sam and Endea is very interesting, and her obsession with music and her uncanny ability to hear things makes the reader want to know more of the story. You gave enough to pique curiosity but not so much that you could not successfully conclude the story. Good work!

#9 Of Purest Heart
by NajaNoir

SPaG: 3.75
T&V: 3.75
Eval: 3.75
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 14.75

While there were some great strengths throughout here, I thought you could have done a little better with this story. The action happened a bit randomly, although you did progress fairly evenly. The purpose of the fox in the story is a bit unclear. The ending too, got me thinking. I guess he is now the keeper of the shrine? Not a bad ending. I actually love that. Unfortunately, there were a lot of problems with quotation marks in the dialogue. I’d recommend looking into the proper ways to do that. I’d be glad to give you pointers, if you need them. Oh, and one line I thought was rather hilarious. The “woman . . . _almost_ took his breath away.” Why did she not _actually_ take his breath away? Was she not actually that impressive?  I assume the _almost_ is an unfortunate word choice. But great job overall. Keep up the good work!

#10 Where is the Snow Now?
by an anonymous author

SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 4.75
Eval: 4.75
Reac: 4.75
Overall: 19

What a beautiful piece! I absolutely adored it. The imagery—the poetic quality mixed with masterful prose. That was a very enjoyable read. I would suggest being slightly more obvious with the metaphorical dialogue (maybe), granted that you be careful not to ruin the good you have going here. Wonderful tone throughout, and a great conclusion! I think you have my best score of the day. Congrats!

#11 The Mountain
by an anonymous author

SPaG: 2.5
T&V: 3
Eval: 3
Reac: 2.5
Overall: 11

 So what I saw here was a little mixed. The greatest strength of the piece was the poetic style of language—the descriptive passages. However, the prose part had some big issues. The punctuation and mechanics are not where they should be. Also, I noticed misspellings and some accidental word substitutions throughout. Again, the strength is very much in the art of the language and the vocabulary, but the technical parts of writing that allow it to be readable are what is the next important step in this piece.

#12 The Wind That Didn't Blow
by Epimetheus

SPaG: 3.75
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 3
Reac: 3
Overall: 13

 I liked your hint of mystery. It was truly great. However, you have to be careful not to jump around. A couple of times, I completely lost track of the plot. I would recommend not leaving so much up to the reader’s speculation either. What operation? We kind of need to know to stay interested. If you had more words, I’m sure you would have done better with fleshing that out. In that same vein, a stronger conclusion would have been nice. The mechanics and grammar need a little bit of work as well, but you’ve done better than most in that department. Overall, great job. Your description of the hanging garden, and the way she was looking up at it really captivated your tone well I feel. Great job!





Spoiler: Matchu Scores



The Long Road: i_n the wake of the family breakdown the protagonist drives his mother to her death._

Hi writer: typos up top…of the brake and the break variety/it’s… and so forth, you shall suffer. I enjoyed immersion and felt I was riding in the car whilee[st] the child-brattery-emotionality of the driver was less than appealing to me, plus his mother dispatched like a chicken, The End…when you did, you did have another 100+ words at your disposal, you writer, didn’t you, you murderer, to explore her agony?

You might personally suffer meanwhile at my own hands for all that breathing of the OP going on. I punish breathing. It is a 10 from me. Boosted to a 14.

Memories In The Wind (690)

AMBITIOUS AND INTERESTING BUT @690 words you are disqualified. Go to FICTION WORKSHOP, go directly to FICTION WORKSHOP.

Mirae

Hello, I am a grammar warrior class D – and present to you my D for the ‘swaying ears’ in your opener. But you do have a lovely voice, ethereal, I think. 15.8. [UPDATE]I should say more, pushed for time now with a job, PM for crit or in workshop, no problem, same for everybody.

Aeolian

The competition climbs a gear with this entertaining presentation. Requires some edit to fix the reader’s eye but the tale should zing ultimately. Another breather, but I think maybe all the stories are breathers. Well done 16

HELPING WINGS

Story has structure, and I was smiling broadly all prepared to praise you to the ‘rafters’ until I spotted the part 2 which I felt unnecessary. Some tense issues require resolution, but story-teller is in progress here, nice. 16.6

Audio Fae

Some delightful allusion, a beginning, middle, and an end, most scene captured in the mind’s eye. At this stage, a lineal progress in my reading, judging actually, top of the pack at 17.5.

Of Purest Heart

Bonus point for matching to prompt, although the resolution eluded my tiny brain’s capacity. Interesting, a strong 17.

Where is the snow now?

Again, talented, ambitious prose but I found the master and disciple scenario a little cloying toward the end, a bit haiku-heavy. Nevertheless, characterful. 16

The Mountain

Excellent. Polish up the language a little, I want the images fixed on my retina but highly imaginative. You join the 16 club, may go to .5 in ultimate assessment. Bravo = 17.5

The wind that didn't blow

Eww, gosh quality now cascades among the entries, another 17. Gripped by the impending event or procedure that never happens, thanks for that, thanks for the draft in progress, thanks for my journey into space, I was there with my beer. 17.7

Untitled

Another embittered child! A journey through the tenses of Texas. I quite liked the desolation. The lack of title fits the desolation. Keep going, I enjoyed the stream but I’m not marking highly here. More draft, please at 14 points.

Afternoon Everywhere

Maybe a 2nd or a third place for this nasty window into some poor man’s cancerous soul? Bloody vicars, a lifetime’s attendance at some gloomy chapel, I really liked this. Hitler made me laugh. I really-really enjoyed the judgemental framescape of this – the woke-horror – might draft toward masterpiece. 17.9 is actually the WINNER.



Thanks for taking part. In February, the LM is replaced by the invitation-only Grand Fiction Challenge, but keep an eye out for our March 2022 LM contest, just around the corner...!


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## epimetheus (Feb 2, 2022)

Thanks to the organisers and judges for putting up with my experiment in subtext - congrats to the winners, look forward to finally getting a chance to read them.


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## piperofyork (Feb 2, 2022)

Congratulations Arrow on a well-earned victory and Lawless on an excellent story! Huge thanks to the judges as well for all of their work! 

A few quick replies to a couple of the judges (just for clarification, not to dispute anything!)

@robertn51: you're right about the use of 'zephyr' - that was careless of me. Using 'appall' as a non-verb was an intentional choice to get creative with the language, but in hindsight it was probably a bad call. Seneca was sitting on the lip of the ledge pushing against the howling wind with all his might, so when it suddenly stopped, his momentum pitched him forward and over the edge (like a wall that you're pushing against disappearing). I hadn't intended for the wind to invite Seneca over so much as to display its callousness by stopping for a moment in order to cause his death, but I can see how someone could read it that way. I completely agree that Diyani wasn't sufficiently developed, but I didn't think of her as an emotional token or plot foil; I saw her as the voice of reason. But no question that more development there would have helped.

@TheChristianWitness: I see your point about repetition! I have to watch that, especially in stories this short: every word has to count. (But at the end of the day I blame Seneca...he was high on roanleaf! ) And I hadn't meant for the wind to engage in any literal dialogue - all the dialogue is Seneca's. But my bad for not making that clear!

Thanks again to the judges, and to Harper for hosting a great competition. I'm officially addicted to them.


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## NajaNoir (Feb 2, 2022)

Congrats to the winners and a thank you to the judges and host.

I thought it was a great selection of stories overall. @Lawless and @Travalgar  I thoroughly enjoyed both of your stories. 

Great job everyone.


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## Travalgar (Feb 2, 2022)

Great Literary Maneuver, and a great fiction competition! Thank you judges @VRanger, @robertn51, @TheChristianWitness, and @Matchu for all of your extremely valuable inputs! Looking forward to participate in the next LM.


NajaNoir said:


> I thought it was a great selection of stories overall. @Lawless and @Travalgar I thoroughly enjoyed both of your stories.


Happy that someone enjoyed my story at all!


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## VRanger (Feb 2, 2022)

Grats to Arrow, Lawless, and Piper. You're three very fine writers, and I'm never surprised to see any of you rising to the top of the scores.  Since I started judging these in August, the overall quality among all entries has seen a steady rise in quality, to the point where sometimes I have to pick on the strength of the connection to the prompt to find a difference in scores!

Of Note: @ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord now has a 4th win to move into the named list in the Winner's Hall of Fame. Grats!!!

And now ... we gear up for the World Championship ;-) in February. I'm looking for everyone to be on their game for this one!


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## Lawless (Feb 3, 2022)

This is great. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you very much, everybody.


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## KatPC (Feb 3, 2022)

Congratulations guys @*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord*
@*Lawless*
@_*piperofyork*_

I don't want to sound like a bad loser or even a good one! I never planned to win - merely looking for reviews.
Thank you for your kind words judges. I'm going to take time out to improve my poor grammar. I actually penned another story for this challenge only to flip to an 'extract' of the short story I was working on (the first draft now finished.) - flipping back and forth on pieces didn't create greater clarity, I had two different endings. Oh well. The other story was more relevant to challenge but the 12 gave me a lot to work on.

Thank you judges and thank you Harper. It may seem a thankless job but your work is very appreciated by this Kat. I think the Grand Challenge is too much of a step up for me but thank *you *for organising.


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## biograph1985 (Feb 3, 2022)

Thanks all! A fun first outing for me. And congrats to the winners, and thanks to the judges.


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## Birb (Feb 3, 2022)

Congratz you guys! Also, thanks for all the kind words and critique from the judges! I have a lot to learn still….but practice makes perfect!


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Feb 9, 2022)

I am very late on checking the scores, but, wow, what an awesome surprise!! Thank you so much to the judges, and congrats to the other winners! *Aeolian *was a very effective story especially; I like that one a lot!

(this is what happens when I hyperfixate on two new projects in a row-- all else ceases to exist for awhile.)


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## piperofyork (Feb 10, 2022)

ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord said:


> I am very late on checking the scores, but, wow, what an awesome surprise!! Thank you so much to the judges, and congrats to the other winners! *Aeolian *was a very effective story especially; I like that one a lot!


Thank you, Arrow! I feel the same about your story!


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Feb 10, 2022)

Oh, also, because why not, all the songs in the story:
People Get Ready
Baptize My Heart
There Will Be Fire

And the song that inspired it:
When the Man Comes Around


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