# Make love with the Universe



## Schrody (May 19, 2016)

Dance the Night
Under the naked Moon

Dance the Night
Even when the song is over

Dance the Night
On the fertile, wet beaches

Dance the Night
Until we become one

Dance the Night
We are made of stars

Dance the Night
Universe is dying

Dance the Night

Reincarnation

Cycle of Life

Continues


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## Firemajic (May 19, 2016)

Schrody said:


> Dance the Night
> Under the naked Moon *** Fabulous opening lines, "Naked Moon"... I love that!
> 
> Dance the Night
> ...




Schrody, what a fabulous pleasure to read your poetry! This has such a dreamy, gentle vibe... I love It! However, the first 2 lines are sublime, so of course .. the rest must increase the intensity and at least be as powerful [ JMO].. not crazy over the " Cycle of life" line... Beautiful message, skillfully written and a pleasure to read...


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## Schrody (May 19, 2016)

Thanks Fire, I know it needs work, I personally wasn't satisfied with it, but I was impatient


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## Firemajic (May 19, 2016)

Hahaaa, I like to think of it as being inspired! Tighten this up Schrody, This is fabulous, but I want sublime....


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## TJ1985 (May 19, 2016)

Schrody, I love the simplicity of it, the way you made it work without being a huge and complex piece. The duality of it also seriously appeals to me, that it can mean two totally distinct things without blatantly leaning one way or the other. For crits, my help is minimal. 



> Dance the Night
> Until we become one



That might work better if you could work "unite" or unity" into it in place of "become one", to take advantage of the rhythm with night. Plus, to my eyes the whole piece reads strongly for unity, for joining together. 

Universe is dying? IMO, you're working at a higher level than a hack like me because I could never come up with a line like that. Pure perfection.


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## Schrody (May 19, 2016)

Thanks TJ, I don't tend to fix my poems as they're a pure moment of inspiration, but with a little correction, it might be even more rhythmical


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## Sonata (May 19, 2016)

I think it is beautiful, Schrody - but are beaches fertile?


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## Schrody (May 19, 2016)

Is Moon naked?


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## escorial (May 20, 2016)

two very strong parts...

Dance the Night
We are made of starts

Dance the Night
Universe is dying


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## Bard_Daniel (May 22, 2016)

Hey Schrody!

I liked it. My nitpick is the last line. It doesn't work for me but, hey, I'm no expert on poetry.

Good work!


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## ned (May 26, 2016)

hello - plenty of good advice already given -

have to concur, that after a promising start, the poem does seem to peter out into cliches.
and the rhythm needs work on-

Dance the Night
Under a naked Moon - makes it more of the moment

Dance the Night
though the song is over - poetry, not prose

Dance the Night
upon the fertile beaches - wet or not

Dance the Night
Until we are one

really enjoyed the aspects of this poem that transported me back to the beach parties of Koh Phangam.

those were the days!
Ned


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## Victor Anderson (May 28, 2016)

Ah, this is beautiful! I'm new here, and have never had the pleasure of reading your works... I hope to see more of it. 
Though, I've gotta say... I'm not a fan of the final few lines. They threw off the flow, breaking apart the lovely tone you had set.


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## Schrody (May 29, 2016)

Thanks Victor, and welcome! I usually don't write poetry; I'm more a prose person


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