# A Global Theater



## Pelwrath (Jan 1, 2018)

*A Global Theater 

*The world isn’t a stage, 
despite what was said by the sage.
The boldness of living, not acting
is life’s theater.

All have seen us
purse our lips, 
for a lovers kiss.

Enjoy a beautiful sunset
like a mime inside his box.
Pay to experience
the exhilaration of a laugh.

Why do we keep such
joyous and happy times a secret?

Death’s travesty,
isn’t in dying.

Could it be in our regret for not sharing their life?
The false words said,
about the dead,
when still on our side of the grave?

Is the purse valuable for the coins it holds
or the items they acquire?


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## TuesdayEve (Jan 1, 2018)

Introspective, ‘death’s travesty isn’t in dying’
 ‘the boldness of living’...makes you think, love it.


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## jenthepen (Jan 2, 2018)

You know I am a fan of your insightful thinking and unique way of looking at the world, Pel. With this one, it feels as though you are saying too much and not allowing the reader to find the subtle underlying messages for themselves. Try cutting back on the wordiness and leaving the ideas hanging in the air. This will make the reader pay attention and work to discover the intent behind the words. For example...

The boldness of living
is life’s theater.

a lover's kiss
a sunset
a laugh.


Death’s travesty
isn’t in dying

 but in regret.
The false words said,
about the dead,
when still on our side of the grave.

Is the value in the coin
or in the items they acquire?

This is still the poem you wrote. I've only taken words away. Read what's left - the way I've written it here - and see if it still says what you wanted it to. Does it feel easy to fill in the blanks (mentally)? For me, this is how a poem should make the reader get involved and I don't think it would be beyond most people to understand everything that you were saying in the original from this clipped back version.

How do you feel about this, does it feel as though your poem has been mutilated or empowered?


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## Firemajic (Jan 2, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> You know I am a fan of your insightful thinking and unique way of looking at the world, Pel. With this one, it feels as though you are saying too much and not allowing the reader to find the subtle underlying messages for themselves. Try cutting back on the wordiness and leaving the ideas hanging in the air. This will make the reader pay attention and work to discover the intent behind the words. For example...
> 
> The boldness of living
> is life’s theater.
> ...




*Death's travesty isn't in **dying 
but in the boldness of living
life's theater in regret

False words said about the dead
while still on our side of the grave

lost opportunities
a lover's kiss
a sunset
a laugh

value placed in the coin
and the items they acquire

then expand this message

These are your words... the order in which they were presented were rearranged.... just an example of how you can play with your lines and stanzas... 
I am NOT saying this BETTER... just DIFFERENT...
*


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## Pelwrath (Jan 2, 2018)

I'll try...again.:apologetic:

I tried to rewrite it and got zilch. I'm drained, depressed and really do feel related to a dead horse.  I HAVE to get this stanza and the alliteration done by the 10th. If I don't participate, I'll feel like I ran away.


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## jenthepen (Jan 3, 2018)

Pel, if you stop and notice what Fire and I both said, your poem is fine. We both tried to show ways that you can work with a good poem to come up with versions that showcase it in different ways. You don't need to change your original poem at all, just consider the tricks that we tried to explain to you and add them to your poetic arsenal. One day, you might have a poem that you feel doesn't work so well and then you might want to try out the skills we tried to explain. 

In essence, this is what Poetry Hill is all about, discussing and suggesting ways to work with poems that might be helpful - if not now, then maybe for future poems. There's absolutely no expectation that anyone should tailor their poem to any critique given here. In fact, gaining the confidence to defend your work when you absolutely believe in it is one of the main tenets of The Hill.

If working on your poems is making you feel depressed you should absolutely take a step back and leave it alone for a while. Writing should fire you up and make you excited. If it becomes a chore and a worry, you will do yourself no good by forcing yourself on. Think relaxed and happy - that's where good writing comes from - but overdoing it results in burn-out and that's harmful to you and your writing. Believe me, we've all experienced these feelings and the best and quickest cure is to spend some time reading and refueling the inspiration storehouse. 

jen


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2018)

The last thing a Mentor wants to hear, is that their words/ critique/feedback/comments have caused someone distress... if that is what I have done??? Then I have FAILED as a mentor. My comments were meant to inspire you, give you a different POV, show you HOW to revise, not necessarily THIS  poem,  but as jen said... FUTURE poems... I am truly sorry... I wanted this to be a positive experience, and without a doubt, jen did too...


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## jenthepen (Jan 3, 2018)

You could never fail as a mentor, Jul. Your words are always inspirational to everyone who reads them and I know Pel feels that way too. Blips in confidence affect all of us that are involved in this mad business of creative writing. That's why Poetry Hill is such a haven - we can pick each other up and be there to offer a word of support when needed. All is good and everyone is back on track now. 

Thank you for being so caring and supportive.

jen


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## Darren White (Jan 3, 2018)

Pel, 

One more thing, we all have been where you are now, and we still are, sometimes we triumph, sometimes we feel like failures. but all of us want to be good writers, good poets, and it takes a lot of work, and what it also takes? Kicking away defensiveness. It's that defense that causes you to feel bad.

Look at it this way: if one person who gives critique says something you can't do anything with, you just say thank you, and then you move on. There will always be critiques that are hard to swallow, or even written so that you don't understand it. 

But there will also be critiques that help you move forward. Focus on these. And work on improving your poem. 

From/time to time that also means putting the poem aside, let it ferment there for a while and in the meantime you do something else. You'll notice that after a while that problem poem will poke you to say: hey! I know how you can improve me.

Good luck


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## Pelwrath (Jan 3, 2018)

Fire;

  You’ve failed nobody.  You’ve shown me the begining of understanding a critique. How to fo it in small bites than view the entire poem at once. I rush, thinking that quantity will become quality.  I was wrong in that. I’ve been hopeful that people would give me what I wanted. The problem was that really wasn’t what I needed. Your methods and mannerisms in has been great. How I’ve taken suggestions, tweaked them my way and improved my poems. How you enjoyed my suggestions on your brothers poem, showed me I can offer valid suggestions.
Yes, I’ve been frustrated and that goes along with changing my perspective on improving.


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2018)

I am not frustrated with you, my fabulous, talented friend... I am frustrated with ME... The more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing... hahaaa... and I have the added problem of not being able to express my thoughts in a coherent manner... I have completely enjoyed our time together in YPS... YOU have taught me so much...and I thank you for that...


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## Pelwrath (Jan 3, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> I am not frustrated with you, my fabulous, talented friend... I am frustrated with ME... The more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing... hahaaa... and I have the added problem of not being able to express my thoughts in a coherent manner... I have completely enjoyed our time together in YPS... YOU have taught me so much...and I thank you for that...



I should hope not because the frustration I spoke of was mine. I was learning something very new and it was frustrating and it should've been or else it would've been easy and I'd have already learned it( you can add enjoyable to the list as well.). Learn all you can, that can never be taken away from you. Many people have trouble expressing their thoughts, even former teachers like me.  That's why we have lesson plans. You are a very good mentor, you know poetry and I'd gather you're a fair judge of people. Two extremely valuable traits to do what you've done with me. Maybe consider doing such in your community to help others understand poetry better. 
I'm young because I still want to learn,but just like doctors don'r always make the best patients, teachers don't always make the best students.


I've revised this poem but it to shall dwell within my slumber, before I move on.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 4, 2018)

*A Global Theater revised*

*A Global Theater*

Death’s travesty,
isn’t in dying.
Could it be in our boldness 
of living life's theater in regret?

False words said about the dead,
while still on our side of the grave?

Opportunities missed;
A lovers kiss.
A laugh.
A setting sun.
A comforting shoulder.

Why do we keep secret
these joyous things?

Why is the coin more valuable than
the items it acquires?
Can you truly sell your soul?
If so, are you then a slave?
Is love for a brother different
than that of a spouse?

Actors admit they’re people.
People deny they’re actors.
We delude ourselves
into think everybody is special.

We’re not!
We’re all human.


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## jenthepen (Jan 5, 2018)

I like this new stanza a lot...

Actors admit they’re people.
People deny they’re actors.
We delude ourselves
into think everybody is special.

Suggestion for your consideration, If you make the last line more definite - something like,  'in our belief that all are special'  does it drive the idea home more powerfully? I'm just thinking that, if you could make the reader stop at this line and ponder on the ramifications of it, it might make the last two lines redundant.

Good revision, in any event. Much more succinct and to the point. Well done.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 5, 2018)

Those are some very plausible suggestions.  I’ll play around with it this weekend and thanks.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 6, 2018)

*A Global Theater revised #4*

*A Global Theater*



Death’s travesty,
isn’t in dying.
Is it in our boldness 
of living life's theater in regret?



False words said about the dead,
while on our side of the grave.



Opportunities missed;
A lovers kiss.
A laugh.
A setting sun.
A comforting shoulder.



Why do we keep secret
these joyous things?



Why is the coin more valuable than
the items it acquires?
Can you truly sell your soul?



Actors admit they’re people.
People deny they’re actors.
We did sell our soul
and we’re happy to be slaves


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## jenthepen (Jan 7, 2018)

Wow, you nailed it with that ending, Pel! Great work!


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