# Easter Morning



## tinacrabapple (Apr 16, 2017)

Raking in the dismal garden,
I noticed all the dead leaves
wet from winter's ravage.

It was a brown kind of sorrow,
until I saw the green of the daffodils
peeking through.

It reminded me of old 
paper memories from springs past
awakening love and then
quietly blown away with the autumn wind.

Lost in this thought,
Pausing against the rake 
I raised my eyes 
to the streams of light
breaking through.


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## Bard_Daniel (Apr 16, 2017)

Great line here: "paper memories from springs past
awakening love and then
quietly blowing away with the autumn wind."

Cool stuff! : D


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## chesterfield (Apr 17, 2017)

This poem has some really beautiful descriptions. My only suggestion would be in regards to the last stanza. It feels like it ends abruptly to me. I think, personally, what I would do is take out the ending. It reads solidly with just the first three stanzas and feels complete that way. However, if you want to keep it, I would try to rework it so it flows a bit better. Just my two cents!


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## ned (Apr 17, 2017)

hello - a lovely poem, but a bit plodding.

the language is a bit matter of fact and sometimes the word-choices are repetitive.

I was in the garden yesterday,
looking at all the dead leaves - is too literal and not intriguing enough, for an opening.
something like- whilst in the garden, I found autumn's leaves (of course, they're dead)

stems ain't quite the right word.

I like the idea behind the last verse - but the repeats of wind and thought make it clunky.
So, look for poetic alternatives - lost in $$$$, my thoughts were ££££ through....etc

good stuff and worth working on...
Ned


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## Kevin (Apr 17, 2017)

ned said:


> stems ain't quite the right word.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ned (Apr 17, 2017)

Yes - well done Kevin - you win today's Captain Obvious badge.

but better to let the author think it through - don't you think?


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## Kevin (Apr 17, 2017)

Oh bother, neddy. Delete, I shall.


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## Firemajic (Apr 17, 2017)

Well, I liked the matter of fact, dry tone... I thought it felt. disconnected from reality, and quite often, when one is in emotional distress, a person will disconnect from the emotion, and focus on mundane things... I noticed the strangest things at my mothers funereal .... it gave me something to focus on besides the horrible loss and shock... anyway, fabulous work, elegant and simple.... thank you for sharing...


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## tinacrabapple (Apr 17, 2017)

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.  Not sure about the whole Kevin/Ned comments (get the disagreement), but otherwise I agree with many suggestions and I'll try to rework the piece.  

Fire- I have a tendency to be distracted/"foggy" and this is what you probably read in the poem as disconnected from reality.  

Ok everyone, thank you all for stopping by.  I'll try to blow some warm spring air into the piece.


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## sas (Apr 18, 2017)

Consider "with the dead leaves" instead of "looking at". It gives a different tone, making you part of the dead leaves, instead of set apart. 
Hmmmm. 

I was in the garden yesterday
with the dead leaves


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## kaminoshiyo (Apr 18, 2017)

Some poems I read, but this felt like I experienced it- like I was there. It's very earthy, and at the same time has an airy...as someone said...disconnected feel to it. Leaves me longing for something...


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## tinacrabapple (Apr 18, 2017)

Some great advice.  I made a few changes, but I'll continue to work in the poem.  Some ideas are still difficult to work-in yet.  Thanks for taking the time to remark.


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## tinacrabapple (Apr 18, 2017)

The problem with the first stanza is that the leaves didn't hibernate, the daffodils did.  The leaves are dead and they will not "awaken" from winter, as do the flowers.


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## ned (Apr 20, 2017)

hello - have read the latest draft -

'I noticed' is a bit dry - covered in, splashed with etc to add a bit of imagery.
as a poet, look for these visual clues, rather than spell it out.

'light' is a bit vague - braking = breaking

cheers..........Ned


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## tinacrabapple (Apr 20, 2017)

Cheers!  You may need one.


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