# 07-01-06 | Extreme Makeover: Poem Edition



## Achilles (Jun 29, 2006)

_*Opens:* July 1
* Closes:* July 15

* Judging Period:* July 16-22 (scores posted on the 23nd)_

Here’s the newest addition to the LM competitions – *Extreme Makeover: Poem Edition*. I apologize in advance for the title. This is a free verse poetry editing challenge open to all Writing Forum members. The object is to take the poem that is provided and edit it to peak poetic mellifluousness. *You may change punctuation, formatting, and wording – to a degree*. Here are the specific rules for this challenge:
You may remove, add, or replace no more than forty words, not including the title. Swapping the placement of two words counts as two changes. Additional changes to the wording will result in deducted points.
You may remove, add, or replace as much punctuation as you wish.
You may format the poem in any way you desire (i.e. line breaks, rich text formatting, spacing).
You may change any words in the title, but there must be one original word. That word may be any of the original words except for “the,” and it may be in any position in the new title. The title may not be more than eight words.
Only one submission per person.
The poems will be judged in the following categories: 5 points for originality, 5 points for grammar/spelling, 5 points for manipulation of words, and 5 points for the judges to exercise boundless dictatorship over the participants (i.e. deductions for no title, breaching of the established rules, and points for most improvement; plus some room for opinion – poetry is quite subjective). Bonus points may be given for exceptional abilities in varying areas.

*The judges so far:
*
_Myself
Pawn
J.R. MacLean
Oasis Writer
huni_
_Syren
Amour
_ 
If you'd like to judge this competition (and we need more judges), just send a PM my way and I'll stick you on the list. Just make sure to let me know before the judging period starts.

Without further adieu, I’d like to present the poem from which you’ll be working. Think of it as a brick of clay needing to be molded and maybe it won’t seem so dull. It’s original name is “Midnight Thoughts While Attending the Carnival,” written by yours truly for this competition.

The winner gets all rights to the poem as their own.

Put on your hardhats and let the construction begin!


*Midnight Thoughts While Attending the Carnival
*
Here we go again
on the roller-coaster for the 100th time.
The House of Terror wasn’t scary
the monsters weren’t as hairy
as before.
It’s like home now.
I don’t know why but I like it.
I saw myself in the house of mirrors,
less rotund than this morning at the weight guessers’. I’m changing.
Like the mime. He was great.
I knew his life portrayed ghostly
after only a second of his presence.
I wish him well in another life.
I believe I’ll meet him again
on different terms. He the observer,
I maybe the clown who parades wisdom uniquely.
I’ll leave now because my funnel cake is cooling
and I’m directed to the exits.
It was a meaningful night.

[ot]Please put all text that is not in the body of your submission in off-topic tags. [/ot][noparse][ot]text here[/ot][/noparse]


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## ButteredKazoo (Jul 1, 2006)

*Midnight Thoughts While Attending the Carnival*

Here we go again
the roller-coaster's 100th spin
it seems to be getting slower

the House of Terror wasn't scary
the monsters aren't that hairy
I'm unfrightened by their glower

     It's like home now
     I don’t know why but I like it

I see myself in the house of mirrors,
less rotund then at the weight guessers
the mirrors seem so friendly

I like the mime; he's great
I know his life portrayed
ghostly, after only a second of his presence

I wish him well in another life
I believe I'll meet him again
on different terms, as he observes
as I the clown parading with wisdom

I'll leave the carnival now
my funnel cake is cooling
I'm directed toward the exits
it was a meaningful night


[Holy Jesus, that was tough.]


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## mandax (Jul 1, 2006)

[ot]Wow ... that was hard.[/ot]

*Significant Thoughts During the Carnival’s Finale*

Here we go again
On the roller-coaster for the last time.
The House of Terror wasn’t frightening, 
The marvels weren’t as enlightening,
As before.
It’s like home now.
I don’t know why,
But I like it.
I saw myself in the house of mirrors,
I’m less rotund than this morning. 
I’m changing.
Like the mime.
I knew about his life
After only a second of his act.
I’ll meet him again
On different terms.
He’s the observer.
I may be the clown who parades wisdom.
I’ll leave now because my funnel cake is cooling,
And I’m being directed to the exits.


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## ebmadman (Jul 1, 2006)

*Aged Carnival*

Again, here we go.

For the 100th time, the roller-coaster,
the House of Terror, wherein hairy monsters reside.

Again, but unlike before.

It’s familiar now, like home.
The house of mirrors, generous in their visage,
present an ever changing me on display.

Not unlike the mime, whom I enjoyed
and felt akin to in the brief moments of sharing his presence.

He the watcher, and I the clown, now parading wisdom unique and new.

I decide it's time to leave, based on preserving my funnel cake?

As I’m directed to the exits, my innocent eyes no longer have sight,

but insightful meaning was gained on this night.


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## eggo (Jul 7, 2006)

*Midnight thoughts while attending a Funeral*

Here I go again
on the wagon for the 100th time.
The Night of Terror wasn’t scary
the pink elephants weren’t as hairy
as before.
It’s familiar now.
I don’t know why but I like it.
I saw my distorted face in the house of mirrors,
hands shaking less than this morning searching the dressers. I’m cringing.
Like the bloody dead mime. 
I knew all his life betrayed me
after only a second of his presence.
I wish him well in another life.
I believe I’ll meet him again
on different terms. He the observer, who hangs a judgmental presence 
I maybe the drunk who parades wisdom uniquely.
I’ll leave now because I've proven I can quit
and I’m directed to the bar.
I can stop anytime I want.
Here I go again.


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## ms. vodka (Jul 8, 2006)

[ot]jesus, that's fucking ghastly.[/ot]


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## eggo (Jul 8, 2006)

[ot] Ghastly in a good way? lol [/ot]


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## ms. vodka (Jul 8, 2006)

[ot]oh goodness, eggo!  i didn't mean your revision!  i was talking about the original!  sorry you took that the wrong way...[/ot]

vodka


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## eggo (Jul 8, 2006)

[ot] Lmao! no offence taken, believe me[/ot]


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## gigi (Jul 9, 2006)

for the record, eggo, i really like your rendition.  i like them all so far!  i feel such a failure...  le sob...


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## gigi (Jul 9, 2006)

*Midnight Thoughts While Attending The Carnival

*  “Again!” on the rollercoaster 
for the 100th time.
The House of Terror monsters 
  weren’t as hairy as before.
It’s like life now.

 I don’t know why, but 
  I didn't like what I saw 
in The House of Mirrors,
where I’m less rotund 
than this morning on the midway.
  I’ve changed.

Take the mime - he was great,
but I saw his ghost
  after only a second of his presence.

I wish him well in another life.
I believe I’ll meet him again
on different terms, where
  I may be the clown who parades 
  as I’m directed to the exits;
  my funnel cake cooling…

  Ours was a meaningful life.

 [ot]This is going to be a very difficult LM to judge.  It's very hard to count changes (even while tracking them in Word) just as the editor.[/ot]


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## iamlikethiswithoutcoffee (Jul 11, 2006)

[ot]Wow, these are going to be a pain in the butt to judge.[/ot]

Carnival Contemplations

Here I am again,
riding the rollercoaster,
for the one hundredth time.

The monsters that dwell in the house of terror,
aren't as scary, aren't as hairy,
as when first we met.

It feels like home,
and I like it.
My slimmer self lives in the house of mirrors,
my more ample self near the weight guessers.

The Mime, I wish well,
as he portrays his life in ghostly silence.
Perhaps we will meet again,
perhaps on different terms;
I, as the clown, exhibiting my unique wisdom.

But I am leaving now,
heading for the exit.

It was a meaningful night,
but my funnel cake is cold.


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## mandax (Jul 11, 2006)

[ot]It's true that it's hard to count changes.  I think a few people have gone over already, at least that's what it seems like at first glance.[/ot]


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## iamlikethiswithoutcoffee (Jul 11, 2006)

[ot]I'll probably be one of them.[/ot]


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## ebmadman (Jul 11, 2006)

*OFF TOPIC:*


> I know I am. *sigh* But this is going to be a great contest.


[/quote]


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## Ruben (Jul 11, 2006)

> [ot]Please put all text that is not in the body of your submission in off-topic tags. [/ot][noparse][ot]text here[/ot][/noparse]




```
ebmadman - BUSTED HOMEBODY

Minus 5
```


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## Achilles (Jul 11, 2006)

[ot]Mandax: There are roughly two changes allotted per line. I don't think anyone has gone over yet, but I haven't counted.

To everyone who expressed sympathy concerning my pain-in-the-ass judging job: Thank you, I'm a masochist in the name of poetry.[/ot]


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## cacafire (Jul 18, 2006)

[ot] Original Poem:

*Midnight Thoughts While Attending the Carnival
*
Here we go again
on the roller-coaster for the 100th time.
The House of Terror wasn’t scary
the monsters weren’t as hairy
as before.
It’s like home now.
I don’t know why but I like it.
I saw myself in the house of mirrors,
less rotund than this morning at the weight guessers’. I’m changing.
Like the mime. He was great.
I knew his life portrayed ghostly
after only a second of his presence.
I wish him well in another life.
I believe I’ll meet him again
on different terms. He the observer,
I maybe the clown who parades wisdom uniquely.
I’ll leave now because my funnel cake is cooling
and I’m directed to the exits.
It was a meaningful night.

[/ot]

*Midnight thoughts while attending the whorehouse*

This roller coaster rattles
while my puke
prattles
for the 100th time.
The house of terror was so scary,
the monsters just as hairy,
bug eyed freaks from hell.

It's like home now.
I don't know why I like it.
running round the house of mirrors,
less rotund from ten years of running.

Like the mime. He was great.
I wish him well,
to go to hell, har har har ho hum!

I make me the clown who parades wisdom uniquely
and leave now 'cause my funnel cake is cooling
and I'm directed to the exit.
Thanks for the fucking night.

[ot] :-\" [/ot]


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## gigi (Jul 18, 2006)

I know cacafire is late, but I hope their poem can be accepted into the judging.  There are so few entries, and I would hate to see the judges bored for lack of work  .  What a fun submission...

Lans


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## Achilles (Jul 18, 2006)

I'm so overworked as it is... what with sleeping-in, parties, and days spent lounging at the pool. :?

I don't have a problem accepting it -- indeed we're in need of submissions. I'll talk to the other judges, but I don't forsee any problems.


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