# I stood in the sea



## Patrick (Jul 17, 2015)

Along a woodland trail where the sunlight 
came through dappled and silver vapours poured 
between muscular boughs, we wound our way to the shore. 


There the waters sighed upon the dunes to lap 
between toes that clenched the sand, 
as though the movement might carry us away, 
for the tide felt swollen, pregnant, that day.


The blue bulge seemed to shift the sultry air 
with the release of every wave against my feet. 
Its amorous weight the glide 
of a bloated snake between the branches left behind.


 I was pulled a little further and a little further.


The deeper waters stung my thighs at first,
breaking on me so that I knocked against the jetty,
as though I were no more than a tied boat,
left to sound my own nautical note.


And the waves kept coming up from that deep,
up from the creature that stirred beyond my reach;
somehow it would stay there, longing for the surface,
irretrievable and yet implacable in its place.


Across the lake I saw you further up the beach,
and as you looked back at me
I thought those waters could be the sea.


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## musichal (Jul 18, 2015)

Patrick said:


> Along a woodland trail where the sunlight
> came through dappled and silver vapours poured  [comma after dappled?]
> between muscular boughs, we wound our way to the shore.
> 
> ...




I really like this poem.  I do believe a little tweaking would make it even better.  I also like your rhyme scheme.  The one stand-alone verse in the center needs to be stronger in order to carry that weight, in my opinion, though I do love that structural touch.  Just ratchet that verse up a notch.  I also like the opening and closing tercets, with the body of quatrains.  All in all, I thought it a sophisticated and interesting piece which reveals skill and strong imagery.  Great job!


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## Gumby (Jul 18, 2015)

It's great to see you back here, Patrick! 

I'm thinking that the 'sea' is metaphorical and has more to do with the woman and all the depths of a relationship, as is the 'creature', (possibly longing?) the tides and waves are both literal and metaphorical, to me.

I think this could benefit from a comma here and there for clarification, Patrick.



> The blue bulge seemed to shift the sultry air
> with the release of every wave against my feet.
> Its amorous weight, the glide
> of a bloated snake, between the branches left behind.





Imagery can be very different for people, yes? This did work for me. I've often thought that the sensuous glide of a heavy wave, as it retreats from between your legs and feet, feels very 'snake like'. 

I really like this, Patrick, and I agree with musichal last line, too:



> All in all, I thought it a sophisticated and interesting piece which reveals skill and strong imagery.  Great job!


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## jenthepen (Jul 18, 2015)

Sad and beautiful poem and the imagery really worked for me. I can't find any fault with this. I was hooked from the first stanza.


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## Darkkin (Jul 18, 2015)

Overall, I love the imagery, also the variegation with the stanzas works very well in this format.  The one thing that keeps tossing me for a loop, (and it probably is just my deplorable sense of humour, not the poem), is the simile between muscular boughs.  I know precisely what you are trying to describe, but I keep seeing trees with Popeye the Sailor Man arms and then I start laughing.  That is entirely on me, not the poem.  Nice use of the slant rhymes, as well.

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom


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## Patrick (Jul 19, 2015)

Thanks for the comments. 

I'll offer some of my own thoughts about the poem in response to questions/confusion, though they're not exhaustive and shouldn't invalidate other interpretations or feelings; the very reason we write poetry is because it is ambiguous and imprecise and can only speak in flavours... just like the human heart. It either does something to you or it doesn't, and that's the only measure of the thing.

When I write, it really is the case that my heart is speaking while my head tries to catch up and make sense of it all, because it doesn't speak the same language at all, which is a good thing because those who know me well prefer my writing to the fruits of my intellect. But I understood I was saying something about the isolation of every heart, felt most keenly when with a loved one, in this poem. I don't identify the second person in the narrative because the reader tends to like that person, in his/her mind's eye, to be the one they love, and it's far more effective this way. It's also not for me or about me in an autobiographical sense any more than it is for and about everybody else.

the lake that could be the sea, and its movements, just speak to me of the distant nature of the heart.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 21, 2015)

Nice poem.

This line stands out for me : _for the tide felt swollen, pregnant, that day

_Very creative.

*7.5/10*


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## Angel101 (Jul 21, 2015)

I didn't mind this. I definitely got a sense of loneliness from it -- the sea is so vast, and in this poem it reminds of trying to understand someone but not being able to connect, drifting further and further away. The problem for me begins with the adjectives. I think the writing would be stronger with stronger verbs, more specific nouns, and less modifiers. Not to say you shouldn't have any, but some of them seem a bit odd. For example:



> The blue bulge seemed to shift the sultry air
> with the release of every wave against my feet.
> Its amorous weight the glide
> of a bloated snake between the branches left behind.



In particular, "amorous weight" is problematic. So is "bloated snake." I'm trying to picture a wave having some kind of passionate, sexual weight. I like the idea, but it would be cooler if you could make the image of the wave communicate that without using the adjective. The reason it's not communicating that already, despite the modifier, is because of what you've compared it to -- a bloated snake? I get the idea that there's this snake stuck between the branches, so his "glide" is nonexistent. The impression I get from that is that the speaker is trapped in the weight of his desire. This idea would be stronger with an image that communicates desire and passion and sexuality. You have strong images here. You can definitely do more with this. 

That basically highlights my main problem with the poem. It needs to clarify its metaphor in its images and cut back on the bulky language. Some of the syntax was awkward, such as here:



> There the waters sighed upon the dunes to lap
> between toes that clenched the sand,



You could tighten this sentence. Maybe something like "The waters sighed, lapping the dunes where our toes clenched the sand" or something else. Reading this aloud, it feels quite bulky, like I said.

Otherwise, I liked it. Nice work. Keep it up!

Bay


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## Nellie (Jul 21, 2015)

Patrick said:


> ..... the very reason we write poetry is because it is ambiguous and imprecise and can only speak in flavours... just like the human heart. It either does something to you or it doesn't, and that's the only measure of the thing.



I agree with you here. That is the very reason I write poetry, it's ambiguous and can only speak in flavors. It does or doesn't do something to your heartstrings. 




Patrick said:


> When I write, it really is the case that my heart is speaking while my head tries to catch up and make sense of it all, because it doesn't speak the same language at all, which is a good thing because those who know me well prefer my writing to the fruits of my intellect. But I understood I was saying something about the isolation of every heart, felt most keenly when with a loved one, in this poem. I don't identify the second person in the narrative because the reader tends to like that person, in his/her mind's eye, to be the one they love, and it's far more effective this way. It's also not for me or about me in an autobiographical sense any more than it is for and about everybody else.
> 
> the lake that could be the sea, and its movements, just speak to me of the distant nature of the heart.



Often times, writer's hearts are in a different place than their heads, so the language one is trying to convey on paper is totally different than what one is actually hearing in their own head. Especially if you're isolated, heart-broken and totally absorbed with the tragedy. 

Here the heart rules.


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## Pursuit (Jul 21, 2015)

The second stanza was very nice and also the boat line.


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

Thanks for the comments and perspectives different to my own. 

I can understand why some of my choices would seem strange, but they were not without reason in my own process. My stylistic choices often lean towards density, as that is the natural tone of my voice, but I do appreciate that's not everybody's cup of tea. Similarly I take risks with my metaphor, and I am never disappointed when I receive a criticism for it, in this case the contrast between "bloated snake" and "amorous weight". I take all comments into consideration. In this case, I wanted to make the reader feel/better visualise the pull of the water by likening it to the pull of desire, and loneliness has its own aching resonance that seems to pull those it affects in, almost like picking a scab or fingering a bruise. It's extremely sensual but also extremely grotesque, and so the way I tried to get that across (I am not saying I've done so successfully) was with the metaphor of the bloated snake gliding between branches. This also mirrors the bulging, swollen tide, and the branches mirror a pair of legs as the bulk of water pushes against them and then recedes/glides between them.

This is why I said my stylistic choices lean toward density.


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## Oblivious Plunge (Jul 22, 2015)

I sensed deep emotional troubles upon reading your poem, both good and bad. I interpreted parts of the poem as some sort of a metaphorical way of describing emotion. The beauty of your poem is that it can be interpreted and understood in so many different ways and that's the beauty of it in my opinion.


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## alanmt (Oct 12, 2015)

I like how the imagery pulls in different directions, here sensual, there bestial, now scenic, now symbolic.

It made me think of your uncle, for some reason.


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