# How to best describe despair in a story (1 Viewer)



## CraniumInsanium (Oct 18, 2014)

If you've read Steven King/Richard Bachmans "The Long Walk", that is the tone I am trying to aim for. 

In my story, there are a bunch of sick people who only have to complete  their trek and they will be cured. They all have a terminal illness of  some kind, and while coming up with simple yet difficult challenges for  them to face I am unsure as how best to describe their individual  weariness, their pain and the weight of their afflictions so that the  tone is a struggle and bleak.

I'm not sure if I should just give a full synopsis to everyone so as to  provide perspective on what I'm trying to achieve lol. Thanks for  reading.


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## Plasticweld (Oct 18, 2014)

_" I laid there in my own filth, I can not remember the last time I brushed my teeth or bathed.  Each time I move to get up... to go forward, I only fall back; each attempt is met with the world spinning and bout of vomiting.   I know I have to keep moving if I am go survive yet would welcome the peace and serenity of death.     "
_





Is that bleak enough for you...Bob


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## CraniumInsanium (Oct 18, 2014)

Thats a great snapshot of despair. My issue is how many times in a story can you continually regurgitate a different variation of the same feeling. Perhaps I should have said I'm aiming for the TONE, that is not just from one individuals POV, but as a group. That is how the main character or narration desribes everyones weariness.


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## EmmaSohan (Oct 18, 2014)

A good way to describe emotions is to talk about what people want. So, "I want to die." (Then presumably they decide not to.) This can vary a lot: "I want to stop and (whatever)", I want to chop off my feet so I can't walk any more, they ask God to kill them, and so on. I guess I am doing final despair and you escalate to that?

I am guessing that one continuous emotion gets really tiring. Do you interleave the despair with hope and other emotions?


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## Jeko (Oct 18, 2014)

Don't describe it; describe what they do, and if it fills the narrative with despair, then you've been successful. Same with the world around them. 

You can't actually describe 'despair', but only the things that make it happen. So focus on them.


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## Elvenswordsman (Oct 18, 2014)

Why not watch some documentaries on living with terminal illness?

I've watched several relatives die, but I think ALS was the worst in terms of the suffering. My aunt, near the end, could only write with her eyes, and I imagine it was hard enough for the technology to see the micro-movements, nevermind through the tears in her eyes. Her brain was cognizant through the whole process.


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## CraniumInsanium (Oct 18, 2014)

He allowed the fatigue he had been fighting off since this morning to take over and pull him into sleep.  


Wendy sighed, then with a sharp intake of breath, winced and tried to suppress a cough. A moment later it subsided, and she was okay. Taking another deep breath she held it before calling out. “Hey kid!”

those are two examples of what I've produced in 4 pages so far. Alot of the story so far is descriptive of the environment and what Davey(MC) and Wendy(MC2) are experiencing on what is their first obstacle, which is climbing a giant hill which goes on for miles. Loose rocks, climbing and lots and lots of walking. Its very much going to be a mental story I think where the characters are going to be convincing themsleves to continue, and they can finish. 

Emma, yes. Plan on inerweaving hope, fear, pain, despair as they appear in the story. 
Cadence, you are right. The whole show v tell thing. Its figuring out how to describe things I personally haven't experienced. Guess some research might work here Like Elvenswordsman suggested.


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## Morkonan (Oct 18, 2014)

CraniumInsanium said:


> ...I am unsure as how best to describe their individual  weariness, their pain and the weight of their afflictions so that the  tone is a struggle and bleak....



What's the Point-of-View? What sort of Narrator?


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## CraniumInsanium (Oct 18, 2014)

third person POV. Umm narrator? omniscient if I understand what you're asking.

thisis my opening paragraghs if it gives perspective


	“I wonder had we taken any of the other six paths if we would have faced this.” The boy said. He was an adolescent, that is to say, in his late teenage years, approximately. Short sandy hair blew lightly in a breeze as he gazed upwards. A girl, close in appearance to the boys age, glanced at him, but said nothing and merely started walking.  
 	“Hey, whats your problem!” he yelled at her as she strode away. He didn't need an answer of course. She was here for the same reason he was. Several feet up the embankment, she stopped and looked at him.
 	“You coming or not?” The boy nodded and sighed, walking forwards. “Whats your name anyways? I'm Wendy.”
 	“Davey.” he replied, and glared her backside as she turned and continued her trek. He admitted is was a shapely one, even if its owner was pulling an ice queen routine on him. She was lanky and just taller than his own six feet, with long brown hair just falling past her shoulders. He was simultaneously attracted, and put off by her cold demeanor. Under different circumstances, he might have tried flirting with her. This was not the right format for that.  
 	Davey and Wendy continued climbing upwards. Ever upwards. The gradient so steep at times they had to jump from one rock outcropping to the next, finding footholds and climbing on all fours so they wouldn't fall backwards.  
 	They had to keep going. Otherwise they would die.  
 	The slope they climbed had no discernible end. It was merely an enormous hill that never ended. They kept climbing.


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## Jeko (Oct 18, 2014)

I'd also recommend a number of moody, minimalistic stories, such as Waiting For Godot and The Road.


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## garza (Oct 18, 2014)

There are many levels of despair, and many ways of showing it. Here are samples of how I have dealt with it.

The boy hugged the shell of the book to his chest, leaned his forehead against the glass, and wept.

from *'Paper Boy'*

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The Englishman stirred slightly. 'The boy. Trust. I trusted him.'

'Of course you did, Mr. Sinclair. You are the third foreign policeman who has trusted Aron, and you will be the third to die because of it.' 

'Why is he. What,' said the Englishman.

'I'll explain,' said Changsai. 'An American criminal hiding in Bangkok raped and strangled his mother. A Thai policeman shot and killed his father. Aron hates all foreigners. He hates all policemen. You are a foreigner and a policeman.'

'So. So young. A devil.' said the Englishman.

'No, not a devil,' said Changsai, 'for now just a devil's apprentice. But we shall see what the future holds. I think you should close your eyes and sleep now.' 

from *'The Man Called Changsai'*

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'He cannot speak', said Joél. 'He has not spoken for 15 years. He likely will never speak again. But you are right. He may not remember, but they do, and they do not forgive. He is dead. Let him stay dead.'

from *'The Fugitive'*

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'You see what animals the rebels can be', said the commandant.

'Are you so innocent? said the old man.

'In this war', said the commandant, 'no one is innocent'.

'Only the children', said the old man.

'Maybe the children', said the commandant. 'We'll see.' 

from *'Maybe the Children'*

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'Face it, Mike. You need to get a life.'

'I got a life.'

'Yeah? Is that why you sit on this bench every day, feed stale popcorn to the pigeons, and try to talk like the boarders?'

'I have to get out of the house. My daughter-in-law. She drives me nuts.' 

'So take up a hobby.'

'I did. This is it.'

'Pathetic.'

'C'mon Bernie. Give me a break. I took up a hobby last year. My grandson talked me into helping him make a puppet. A marionette. You know, a little wooden person with strings that a big person pulls to make the little person dance however the big person wants him to.'

'You've seen Godfather too many times.'

'Yeah. I guess. So anyways I helped the kid. He's ten. Not the brightest bulb, but he works hard in school so he makes pretty good grades. The puppet thing was for a school project, a play or something.'

'Sounds like a good family project, too.'

'It was fun making the puppet. I carved the pieces. Little feet and legs, arms, a body, and a head. My grandson sanded everything smooth and painted it, and it looked sharp. 

'A real little Pinocchio, huh?'

Yeah, whatever. We had little rings in each piece of the body, you know, like you tie the fishing line to when you carve a lure. Then the kid made a cross thing out of two pieces of trim and tied on the strings. He picked it up and the puppet stood on its legs and waved its arms. All of a sudden I see myself.'

'So your grandson reminded you of yourself when you were a boy.'

'No. My grandson reminded me of my father. The puppet reminded me of myself.'

from *'Mike and Bernie*'

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A McRae County deputy came to the house about ten o'clock one night to tell us Ralph was dead. He didn't say it that way. What he said to Papa was, 'We need you to come identify your son's body'. 

Papa didn't say anything. He put on his shoes and got in the patrol car and they drove away. Right about midnight the deputy brought Papa home.

'I done made all the 'rangements', he said.

That's all he said then or ever. I never saw him or Mama cry, though I know they did. They never saw me cry, though they knew I did.

from the short novel *Ralph*

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Now I'm an old man, and I'm finally figuring out the answer as I stand in the yard of my house and look at her roses. Even at my age I'd move away from here if I could, start over somewhere if I could. But those are the roses she planted, and I loved her so much, that I cannot leave them.  

from* 'Strawberries and Roses'*

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Nettie O’Quinn broke her hip the winter she turned 76. She insisted on feeding her chickens early every morning, even when the grass was white with frost and the back steps glazed with ice. She lay on the ground crying with the bucket of shelled corn spilled beside her. 

‘Oh please, Jesus, please don’t let it be broke’ she said, over and over, while the family waited for Doctor Petersen. He was with her less than five minutes before he telephoned McRae County Hospital for an ambulance. 

from the novel *A Pinch of Salt*

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So the old man died. The one who wept the longest and shed the fewest tears was the grandson the old man had loved. The boy kept his tears inside himself, until at last, coming to an age near to that at which his grandfather had died, he began to weep, quietly, in the night, and to call softly to the dark, 'Granfa, please don't go'. 

from the novel *A Pinch of Salt*


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## bazz cargo (Oct 18, 2014)

"You gotta be kiddin,'" she sighed banging her head on the desk.


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## aj47 (Oct 18, 2014)

I think Cadence is on to something.  Don't tell, show.  Use verbs like "struggle" to describe what they're doing.  Instead of "he climbed the next flight of stairs," say, "he struggled up another flight," or something similar.  Avoid using forms of "be" because that leads you to adjectives and then you're telling, not showing.


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## garza (Oct 18, 2014)

Astroannie - How would you rate my examples in the matter of 'show versus tell'? My object is to be as visual as possible using the simplest language possible and a bare minimum of physical description, either of the characters or their surroundings.  

The excerpts from _A Pinch of Salt _are the first lines of the book and the last lines of the book. Do they work for you?


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## squidtender (Oct 19, 2014)

As the story progressed, I would make their thoughts and inner dialogue darken. Maybe start their thoughts on the disease and the challenge, but soon they're thinking about lost love, or abuse or something from their past that they've kept pushed down. Show the despair in two forms--physical and mental. 

Good luck and keep writing!


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## hvysmker (Oct 19, 2014)

I dunno, I just *Sob!* dunno.


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## Bishop (Oct 20, 2014)

Describe it in their actions and expressions. I don't want to hear descriptions of how sad and forlorn they are, I want to see their feet bleeding between the toes, I want to watch them stumble forward with tears streaking their face. I want to listen to them heave out desperate breaths between whispered prayers. And I want to see them passing the corpses of their predecessors on the sides of the road, pushing themselves onward with each rank stench of death reminding them of what's at stake. And offering them the sweet respite of death.


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## InkwellMachine (Oct 20, 2014)

I tend to lean toward simpler expressions. Instead of poetry or descriptions of their facial expressions (which I use for communicating reactions to stimulus, not overall mood, generally--not that this is correct, it's just what I do), I like to designate the character's mood early on so that I can change it in subtle ways. It's that old "show don't tell thing" bubbling back up from somewhere down in my writerly gut.

Imagine, for example, that you characterize someone in your story as very talkative and upbeat. If you give them very little dialogue during a conversation, or say something like "for once, Daniel couldn't think of anything to say," that alone will let the reader know something is up. Combine that with a few other queues (think, how do you usually observe that someone is upset) and you're on the right track.

Also, remember, it doesn't always have to be poetry or something big and beautiful and story-encompassing. You _can _simply tell the audience something like "morale was a rare commodity, and the group had none to spare." 

Anyway, good luck. This is really a test of your voice as a writer, not your technical chops. Your story sounds interesting. Let me know if you post an excerpt any time soon.


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## EmmaSohan (Oct 20, 2014)

Bishop said:


> Describe it in their actions and expressions. I don't want to hear descriptions of how sad and forlorn they are, I want to see their feet bleeding between the toes, I want to watch them stumble forward with tears streaking their face. I want to listen to them heave out desperate breaths between whispered prayers. And I want to see them passing the corpses of their predecessors on the sides of the road, pushing themselves onward with each rank stench of death reminding them of what's at stake. And offering them the sweet respite of death.



Does this really work? I can imagine the hero doing all of this and still being determined to succeed.


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## Folcro (Oct 22, 2014)

I would get some reading done:

If you like Stephen King, I would give _The Gunslinger_ a go. While I have mixed feelings toward the book as I do toward its author, this is a book where the atmosphere of despair and loneliness (particularly scenes involving the little boy) are presented in a way I rarely see done so successfully.

I would also try Orwell. Read the first chapter of 1984, then head straight for his essays, particularly _A hanging_, with special attention to the paragraph describing the man stepping around the puddle.

Then play Fallout 3.


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## Gargh (Oct 22, 2014)

Despair is like poison. It will seep through people's bones at different rates and produce different signs and symptoms depending on their individual make up. Your characters' social, political, economic and even genetic backgrounds will determine how it affects them. They will not all break at once, and some will pick themselves up over and over again, opening a fresh wound each time. This will determine their behaviour, actions and relationships as much as their diseases will. In a nutshell, if your characters are believably individual then I don't see why you would struggle to know their behaviour, or set the tone. Perhaps some character development exercises would help you flesh them out more distinctly?


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## Tettsuo (Oct 22, 2014)

Lots of great advice here.  I'm particularly partial to describing the behavior as opposed to being concerned about describing an emotion.  Also, not everyone behaves the same when faced with the same situation.  If you write it like that, you'll have your characters all ringing in the exact same note.  That'll make them all appear flat, even when you do write it brilliantly.

Remember, some people act in very interesting ways when faced with certain death, and despair can take on many faces.  So, stay true the characters, not your desire to describe the emotion.


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## CraniumInsanium (Oct 22, 2014)

Cranium once again loaded the thread he had posted. The sheer amount of replies was staggering. Dulled with confusion, he honestly had no idea how to properly reply to each comment or if he should make a lame generic reply. Sighing, he started at the top of the thread, working his way down scimming through the posts he had already read, an.....


omfg! Lots of replies lol. Thanks everyone! Once I've completed a chapter or gotten it up to 30 pages I'll post what I have and give it a whirl so I can discover if I've properly plumbed the dark depths of my soul to conjure figurative fictional despair


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## Bishop (Oct 22, 2014)

Folcro said:


> Then play Fallout 3.



You misspelled "Fallout: New Vegas".


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## Folcro (Oct 22, 2014)

Bishop said:


> You misspelled "Fallout: New Vegas".



Vegas was the superior game, that realization took me long enough to come to terms with. But Fallout 3 better cultivated the atmosphere of despondency and hopelessness _everywhere _you went. Even the civilized zones had this sense of uneasiness to them. But if you really get into that game, really really get into it, you'll see what I mean, and learn a thing or two in the process (like Folcro is always right).


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## Bishop (Oct 22, 2014)

Folcro said:


> Vegas was the superior game, that realization took me long enough to come to terms with. But Fallout 3 better cultivated the atmosphere of despondency and hopelessness _everywhere _you went. Even the civilized zones had this sense of uneasiness to them. But if you really get into that game, really really get into it, you'll see what I mean, and learn a thing or two in the process (like Folcro is always right).



Hah! I will agree with you there, mostly because Vegas kinda had a different flare. Whereas 3 took place in Washington and showed how far the US and humanity had fallen, New Vegas was more about how even when rebuilding, we fall into our old vices.


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## Folcro (Oct 22, 2014)

Bishop said:


> Whereas 3 took place in Washington and showed how far the US and humanity had fallen, New Vegas was more about how even when rebuilding, we fall into our old vices.



There is ample despair to be found in New Vegas, but mostly in the plot and character development, both of which call upon intensive analysis to fully appreciate (one of the reasons New Vegas was the superior game, in my opinion); not only the proper game, but the expansions as well, all of which bring the plot, theme and sub plots full circle. I certainly recommend New Vegas for the reasons of finding despair, but I was looking for brief examples.

But by all means, OP, play New Vegas too. Even where civilization is bright and beautiful, you will see the darkness. Damn, but was that a good game.


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## Greimour (Oct 22, 2014)

Cadence said:


> Don't describe it; describe what they do, and if it fills the narrative with despair, then you've been successful. Same with the world around them.
> 
> You can't actually describe 'despair', but only the things that make it happen. So focus on them.



I am in partial agreement with this.

The tone will often come naturally with the actions, events and tempo. Choice wording also helps a great deal. 

Try putting together a list of words and emotions that can help you throughout. This can help prevent repetition and regurgitated narration.

Examples:

Anguish.
No Relief.
No rest.
Lack of food.
Lack of water.
Bed of stones.
Darkness.
Agony.
Sadness.
Emptiness.
Haunted.
Lethargy/Lethargic.
Dull / throbbing / pain.
Headache.
Bleak.
Hopeless.
Numb.
Exhausted.
Give up.

~~~

You can also write a bunch of sentences to help get an idea of things you wish to portray:

As he looked upon the great wall ahead his stomach sank. So close to the end and yet another impossible hurdle blocks the path. Dropping to his knees he wondered how much more must be endured before this misery would finally end.

As spasms coursed through his body and bile filled his throat, he coughed. Blood splattered the floor and leaked from his nose as tears filled his eyes. There wasn't much point continuing anymore. He couldn't stop though. His fear of dieing alone in his own excrement continued to push him on.

You could almost hear the cold, hard ball of stone drop into her stomach as the last shred of hope fled her battered heart. After grudgingly forced her way this far, the cliff that now dropped before them was too much to bear. The thought of simply stepping over the edge gripped her as each companion dropped to their knees one at a time. With their heads bowed in defeat at this next obstacle, the strength to continue evaporated into nothingness.



I have never carried a single emotion for a long time...but for despair to work in the long run, you need hope. Every time that piece of hope is taken away or dwindled, it is like a physical blow...mentally and emotionally killing off each person one by one. Their biggest enemy might not be the disease, but the ability to hang on long enough to reach the destination. Or worded another way; their biggest enemy might be themselves. Their determination to continue and reach the finish line.


~Kev.


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## garza (Oct 23, 2014)

The examples I gave from my own writing to show different levels and reasons for despair are perhaps too real-world and not dramatic enough to elicit a response. I know nothing about games or fantasy, but only about real people; how they act and what they say. Also, the fact that I only show what happens and never go inside a character's mind prevents me from telling the reader that the character is in despair.


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## Folcro (Oct 23, 2014)

garza said:


> Also, the fact that I only show what happens and never go inside a character's mind prevents me from telling the reader that the character is in despair.



I can't read minds; I see despair every day.


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## Bishop (Oct 23, 2014)

Folcro said:


> I can't read minds; I see despair every day.



You really should stop watching MTV.


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## garza (Oct 23, 2014)

My hope was to get some feedback from the samples to let me know whether any emotion comes through. In my professional career I've deliberately steered away from showing a subject's emotions, and I wanted to find out if any emotions show in my fiction.

I'll take silence as the answer to that one.


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## Bishop (Oct 23, 2014)

garza said:


> My hope was to get some feedback from the samples to let me know whether any emotion comes through. In my professional career I've deliberately steered away from showing a subject's emotions, and I wanted to find out if any emotions show in my fiction.
> 
> I'll take silence as the answer to that one.



While I didn't comment, I think that emotion comes through in your dialogue, Garza. Just reading through a couple of the examples, my mind associates different facial expressions and tonality to what people are saying based on how they're saying it. It's a minimalist, but lovely approach to it.


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## garza (Oct 23, 2014)

Thank you very much, Bishop. That's what I was hoping to hear. That comment is very much appreciated. Next time you're in Belize I'll buy you a beer.


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## Bishop (Oct 23, 2014)

garza said:


> Thank you very much, Bishop. That's what I was hoping to hear. That comment is very much appreciated. Next time you're in Belize I'll buy you a beer.



I only speak the truth, my friend! And same goes if you're ever in St. Louis!


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## Seedy M. (Oct 23, 2014)

A sob mixed with a sigh escaped his tightened throat. His shoulders sagged and he seemed to cave into himself. A tear dropped onto the table. He stared at his wrist and at the straight razor laying there...


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