# She & I



## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 12, 2013)

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## Kevin (Nov 12, 2013)

Seems a long poem. So many ideas.
I'll comment on some small stuff, little parts that grabbed me:



> with my tenderly wielded pen.


 Your tender pen. You try to write her better, sooth her...


> Her veins, visible beneath the canvas of her skin, whisper to me


 Ooh...I like this...maybe _in_ the canvas of her. Beneath, though...gives it a visual of depth; you can see in.


> I follow the trails of her veins in my dreams,


 this one too...it's a part of it. You follow her veins that are the trails beneath the canvas of her skin. Her body is a painting, and a chart (in the sense of a map).


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 12, 2013)

Hey Kevin, thanks for reading. It is a long poem - probably the longest I've ever written. And thank you for the comments on those bits that you liked. I was trying to tie the "tenderly wielded pen" idea back to the "tenacity of Thor's grip" in the second line, so it would look like a reflection. And I actually like your suggestion about making it "in the canvas of her skin." That has a more visual impact for me than "beneath the canvas of her skin." 


> this one too...it's a part of it. You follow her veins that are the trails beneath the canvas of her skin. Her body is a painting, and a chart (in the sense of a map). :smile:


Yes, exactly! That was just the image I was trying to portray - her body is a painting or chart of a map of a land riddled with hardships and trials. 

Thank you for your comments!


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## tinacrabapple (Nov 15, 2013)

This is such a tender poem.  I am sorry for your pain.  Wonderful expressions of love.  I can only assume this is a description of your mother or a mother figure.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi Tina, thank you for reading. You're right, this is a description of my mother.  Thank you for the comments and the kind words!


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## dannyboy (Nov 17, 2013)

Lovely work. Gardens grow at or in the cracks? I like 'at' (like reeds at the river's edge) but my mind wants it to be in (plants grow in the cracks).


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## shedpog329 (Nov 17, 2013)

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## shedpog329 (Nov 17, 2013)

The heart laid bare in the begining . It was a single substance of defete that took a sort of electrical charge in your eyes... it grew.  And then the hands read like an ode to that heart... it followed the electricity of your words... If I'm following your map correctly then your seconds from patience and virture..a poem about healing but its earth is exactly how the sky reflects it to be.. I could go on like this


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## Gumby (Nov 17, 2013)

Wonderful work, Dreamy. Some very deep thoughts you've given a voice to, and I can feel the love and protectiveness you have towards her, how she lifted you up and now, you lift her up. Excellent.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 18, 2013)

Thank you, dannyboy. I also thought about using "in the cracks" instead of "at the cracks" but the image didn't appeal to me as much. Reminded me of weeds growing "IN" unwanted places, rather than a lush garden growing "AT" the edge of a lake (or something). 

Shedpog, haha, keep going, I like where you are going with it. Thank you for the poetic insights. 

Gumby, these were definitely some deep thoughts I had to reach deep inside to pull out onto paper (or screen). Thank you for the compliments.


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 21, 2013)

An audio recording of me reading this poem: http://planetmoderan.net/mp3/mother.mp3

I changed the title to "Mother"


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## tinacrabapple (Nov 21, 2013)

It's even better read!  Well done!


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## Deleted member 33527 (Nov 22, 2013)

Thank you Tina.


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