# A different kind of book description/blurb?



## LeeC (May 7, 2018)

The rewriting pretty well done and editing in progress, as I’m illustrating my book I keep playing with the description/blurb. I’m finding it difficult to come up with something that garners attention while being true to the book.

The book being described is an eventful literary work intended as a vehicle to hopefully promote better understanding of the natural world that sustains us. That is, it’s character driven as opposed to plot driven, and intended for the thoughtful reader with more said than written as a portal for discovery.

I’m taking a different tack here, and wondering about reactions. I’m open to any and all suggestions.

Thank you.


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*About this book*​
Have you felt the pull of distant mountains, or imagined a peaceful, sparkling stream beckoning, but try as you might had difficulties getting there, and if you got there found other than expected? If you’ve been thrown by life’s chaotic twists and turns, you may well get caught up in this intriguing fictive journey off the beaten path.  With the protagonist experiencing estrangement from the culture he is trying to get along in, and questioning a different culture that accepts him, there is ample depth and emotional turbulence for the thoughtful reader. The writing style together with exceptional illustrations add another dimension to the reading experience. Dare to part your consciousness veil, and view life and its illusions from outside the human bubble.

If you’re curious about the title, Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming. It was named after a subchief of the Toyahini Shoshone (aka Tukudeka or Mountain Shoshone). Given regional dialects, and context sensitive meanings, the word togwotee has been translated to mean “lance thrower,” “exactly there,” and “from here you can go anywhere.” It’s the third interpretation, relative to life’s choices, that’s intended in the title.


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## Bayview (May 7, 2018)

It doesn't draw me in, personally. I want a blurb to give me some idea of what the story's _about_, and I'm not getting that from this. It feels like you're focusing on theme, and I want a blurb that focuses on character/plot. And the conversational style is a gamble - it's not traditional, obviously, so maybe this blurb would stand out in a good way, but I feel like it might stand out in a less-than-good way.

Just to double-check - you're planning to self-publish, and this would be the back cover blurb?


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## Jack of all trades (May 7, 2018)

I like the part about defining the title word, but advise leaving out the meanings that don't apply. I'd start with that, then tell about the characters or their story.


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## LeeC (May 8, 2018)

Keeping my previous qualifications in mind, here’s a bare bones version that is more direct in playing up the conflict in the story. Is this headed in an attention garnering direction?
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]*About this book*​
During the volatile times of the 1900s, the protagonist experiences estrangement from the culture he is trying to get along in, and questions a very different culture that accepts him. His adventurous missteps off the beaten paths of life’s chaotic twists and turns amplify the emotional turbulence, and sensitively question our discordance with the natural world that sustains us. Dare to part your consciousness veil, and view life and its illusions from outside the human bubble.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​@Bayview


Bayview said:


> Just to double-check - you're planning to self-publish, and this would be the back cover blurb?


Yes, for several reasons. One being that the few "green" publishers that showed an interest wanted to make it more of a "vegan" story. Bless their empathetic hearts, but as a naturalist I see larger and more complex issues. I am having it professionally edited, by someone that understands what I'm trying to do. 

I suppose you could call it a "back cover" blurb, but at my level of subsistence anything beyond ebook versions will have to wait for enough interest to justify printing costs. Additionally, with the level of illustrations (samples in Visual Arts) printing is even more costly. Another aspect of the extent of illustrations is that the ebook file size will be beyond what places like Amazon and Smashwords will accept. I not only like to draw, but see the illustrations as considerably increasing interest in the book. Since I started posting sample illustrations on social media, I've lost count of the number of inquiries about when the book will be published.


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## Bayview (May 8, 2018)

LeeC said:


> Keeping my previous qualifications in mind, here’s a bare bones version that is more direct in playing up the conflict in the story. Is this headed in an attention garnering direction?
> [FONT=&Verdana]
> [/FONT]
> *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*[FONT=&Verdana]
> ...



​[FONT=&Verdana]It feels really removed from the story - like, "the protagonist" instead of the character's name, etc.

Maybe you're doing this on purpose? But what's your goal?
[/FONT]


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## Jack of all trades (May 8, 2018)

Think of this as a commercial. This is the big hook! Make the (potential) reader wonder what's inside the book. Maybe hire someone to write it. Writing such a blurb is a special skill.


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## LeeC (May 8, 2018)

[FONT=&quot]You think more character specific? Is this getting any closer to what might garner attention.

[/FONT]
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*[/FONT]​[FONT=&quot]
​​*About this book*[/FONT]​[FONT=&quot]

Beginning in the 1940s, Calan’s early experiences propel him through life’s chaotic twists and turns as he interacts with a range of characters and situations that test his mettle. Characters ranging from an abusive drunk father to a lifelong Shoshone friend, and situations ranging from excesses of greed and ignorance to soul renewing wilderness, all shape Calan’s questioning character for better or worse. At what point does rationalization reveal a purpose of existence, or does the thought become ever more complex the more one learns? Dare to part your consciousness veil, and view life and its illusions from outside the human bubble.

---------------------------------



Bayview said:


> [/CENTER] . . . But what's your goal?


The blurb is used in branding.



Jack of all trades said:


> Think of this as a commercial. This is the big hook! Make the (potential) reader wonder what's inside the book. Maybe hire someone to write it. Writing such a blurb is a special skill.


Yes, I've written blurbs for others that worked well. Still do occasionally for a publisher acquaintance. But this book is so different I'm having a difficult time. Maybe I'm too close to it, but the book subtly prods the reader to think about the world we're leaving our children.


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## Bayview (May 8, 2018)

LeeC said:


> [FONT=&Verdana]You think more character specific? Is this getting any closer to what might garner attention.
> 
> [/FONT]
> *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
> ...



It sounds like a book-shaped-lecture, rather than a novel. So that's what I meant when I asked what your goal was - are you deliberately trying to market this as a work in which the message is the most important thing and the story is secondary? If so, I think you're on the right track, but if you're trying to market it as a traditional novel, I think you should try for a more traditional blurb. So... what's your goal?


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## LeeC (May 9, 2018)

Bayview said:


> It sounds like a book-shaped-lecture, rather than a novel. So that's what I meant when I asked what your goal was - are you deliberately trying to market this as a work in which the message is the most important thing and the story is secondary? If so, I think you're on the right track, but if you're trying to market it as a traditional novel, I think you should try for a more traditional blurb. So... what's your goal?



A very good point Bayview that may have gotten me on a better track. The book is certainly not a “lecture.” Knowing early on such would be accepted only by the choir, I tried hard to balance the conflicting behaviors so the reader might reach their own interpretations. Hopefully with the story being uppermost, and gray area relegated to in-between the lines, it might linger on the periphery of their minds to have some impact on their perceptions over time.

Anyway, your take prodded me to study the blurbs of a dozen or so eco-fiction books I’ve read recently, and come up with the following. I like it a lot more than what I’d come up with previously, and am wondering if anyone else sees it as more attention garnering. I understand that this type of story isn’t interesting to some regardless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*About this book*​
In 1940s Wyoming a seven year old Calan experiences the torment of an abusive parent, and fears the anger and rebellion it fosters in him. Even an intervention to change his circumstances results in a variation on the theme. Yet it also introduces him to an ancient culture that believes in the connectedness of all life, and accepts the discordance of the natural world as necessary for the continuum of life.

Torn between cultures, Calan’s life becomes a rollercoaster of emotional turbulence in the years following. Will he be able to reconcile the differences enough to be at peace with life, or will he become increasingly embittered and further the cruelty he abhorred as a child? Dare to part your consciousness veil, and view life and its illusions from outside the human bubble.

If you’re curious about the title, Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming. It’s a Shoshone word meaning (among several other regional dialects and context sensitive interpretations) “from here you can go anywhere.”


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## Bayview (May 9, 2018)

I think you're on the right track, but I think if you're going to use that last paragraph, it would be more effective as an opening, without the chatty "if you're curious" bit. I also think you could use some more details elsewhere. Something like:
Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a Shoshone word, and one of the meanings of it is "from here you can go anywhere". But seven-year-old Calan, growing up near the Togwotee Pass in in northwest Wyoming, feels like he can't go _anywhere_ from where he is. Trapped by an abusive parent and by his own anger, he seems destined to repeat the same patterns forever. But when [something more concrete about the intervention] introduces him to [something more concrete about what he encounters].​
Or something else that ties the title in to the story, and then gives us more details about the story.

I'd leave out all the "breaking the fourth wall" bits... the "dare to part your conscious veil" and "if you're curious".

Now, this is making it into a much more traditional book blurb. Possibly that's not what you're going for.


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## qwertyman (May 9, 2018)

Bayview beat me to it. I was about to suggest…

_Togwotee is a Shoshone word meaning “from here you can go anywhere.” But first you have to find Togwotee. For seven-year-old Calan the path is raw and cruel…_

However, for a 'different kind of book', commercial impact may not be what you wish to achieve.


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## LeeC (May 9, 2018)

Thank you again Bayview, your suggestions seem spot on to me. At this point with the following I’m going to let it gel for awhile, and get back to illustrating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About Togwotee Passage

​Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming.  It’s a Shoshone word with one interpretation being “from here you can go anywhere,” but to seven-year-old Calan it seems a cruel joke.  Growing up in the region in the 1940s under the thumb of an abusive parent, his anger and resentment threaten to predispose him to repeat the behavioral patterns. Even an intervention by a no-nonsense aunt to improve his circumstances exposes him to a variation on the theme. Yet the intervention also introduces him to a lifelong Shoshone friend with different cultural views, and to the calming aura of vast wilderness.

Torn between cultural perspectives as well as behavioral tendencies in the following years as he moves eastward, Calan’s life is a rollercoaster of missteps and emotional turbulence. Will he be able to reconcile the discordances enough to find a measure of peace in his life, or will he become increasingly embittered and repeat what he loathed in his innocence?


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## Ralph Rotten (May 14, 2018)

LeeC said:


> A very good point Bayview that may have gotten me on a better track. The book is certainly not a “lecture.” Knowing early on such would be accepted only by the choir, I tried hard to balance the conflicting behaviors so the reader might reach their own interpretations. Hopefully with the story being uppermost, and gray area relegated to in-between the lines, it might linger on the periphery of their minds to have some impact on their perceptions over time.
> 
> Anyway, your take prodded me to study the blurbs of a dozen or so eco-fiction books I’ve read recently, and come up with the following. I like it a lot more than what I’d come up with previously, and am wondering if anyone else sees it as more attention garnering. I understand that this type of story isn’t interesting to some regardless.
> 
> ...







It's definitely improving. You just need to make it sound more like a blurb and less like a review or query. Also, the real meat of your blurb thus far is his_ 'rollercoaster of emotional turbulence'_ which makes it sound like a chick flick.  Does he do anything interesting during these turbulent years?  

The blurb is getting better but it needs a hook still.


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## LeeC (May 14, 2018)

Hummmm, actually Ralph he does so many potentially interesting (and telling re humankind) things that focusing on one would be short selling the adventure. Also, I'm still aiming for the thoughtful reader (intrigued by what is not said), rather than the surface reader. 

“The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.” ~ Edwin Schlossberg

Anyway, the latest version follows, and I still have a slew of illustrating to do during which it may be tweaked more. Thank you all.


*About Togwotee Passage*​

Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming.  It’s a Shoshone word with one interpretation being “from here you can go anywhere,” but to seven-year-old Calan it seems a cruel joke.  Growing up in the region in the 1940s under the thumb of an abusive parent, his anger and resentment threaten to predispose him to repeat the mean-spirited behavior. Even an intervention by a no-nonsense aunt to improve his circumstances exposes him to a variation on the theme. Yet the intervention also introduces him to a lifelong Shoshone friend with different cultural views, to the engrossing aura of vast wilderness, and to many other creatures we share this world with.

As Calan matures and moves eastwards in the following years, he is torn between cultural perspectives as well as conflicting behaviors in the many other lives he encounters. All of which make for an adventurous journey fraught with missteps and emotional turbulence. Will he be able to reconcile the discordances he encounters enough to find a measure of peace in his life, or will he become increasingly embittered and repeat what he loathed in his innocence?


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## Jack of all trades (Jun 3, 2018)

LeeC said:


> Hummmm, actually Ralph he does so many potentially interesting (and telling re humankind) things that focusing on one would be short selling the adventure. Also, I'm still aiming for the thoughtful reader (intrigued by what is not said), rather than the surface reader.
> 
> “The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.” ~ Edwin Schlossberg
> 
> ...



For what it's worth, I like this one!


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## LeeC (Jun 3, 2018)

Thank you JOAT. As I said, intermittently as I'm illustrating, tweaks come to mind in the story and in this blurb. The latest version of the blurb is:

*About Togwotee Passage*

​Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming. It’s a Shoshone word with one interpretation being “from here you can go anywhere,” but to seven-year-old Calan it seems a cruel joke. Growing up in the region in the 1940s under the thumb of an abusive parent, his anger and resentment threaten to predispose him to repeat the mean-spirited behavior. Even the intervention of a no-nonsense aunt to improve his circumstances exposes him to a variation on the theme. Yet the intervention also introduces him to a lifelong Shoshone friend with different cultural values, to the engrossing aura of vast wilderness, and to many other creatures we share this world with.

As Calan matures and moves eastward in the following years, he is torn between cultural perspectives as well as conflicting behaviors in the many other lives he encounters. In this adventurous journey fraught with missteps and emotional turbulence, will he find a measure of peace and individual purpose in life, or seal his fate with the venom of hate?


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## Bayview (Jun 3, 2018)

LeeC said:


> Thank you JOAT. As I said, intermittently as I'm illustrating, tweaks come to mind in the story and in this blurb. The latest version of the blurb is:
> 
> *About Togwotee Passage*
> 
> ...



I agree that you're getting there. I feel like "threaten to predispose him" is maybe a bit wordy or even redundant - a predisposition is already only a sort of threat, not a defined destiny. Maybe you could go with "threaten to trap him in a life..." or something?


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## LeeC (Jun 3, 2018)

Thank you Bayview, great catch I feel more comfortable with. This is how I applied your thought:


*About Togwotee Passage*​
Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming.  It’s a Shoshone word with one interpretation being “from here you can go anywhere,” but to seven-year-old Calan it seems a cruel joke.  Growing up in the region in the 1940s under the thumb of an abusive parent, his anger and resentment threaten to devour the light in his soul. Even the intervention of a no-nonsense aunt to improve his circumstances exposes him to a variation of the same. Yet the intervention also introduces him to a lifelong Shoshone friend whose cultural understands the connectedness of all life, to the engrossing aura of vast wilderness, and to many other creatures we share this world with.

As Calan matures and moves eastward in the following years, he is torn between cultural perspectives as well as conflicting behaviors in the many other lives he encounters. In this adventurous journey fraught with missteps and emotional turbulence, will he find a measure of peace and individual purpose in life, or seal his fate with the venom of hate?


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## Ralph Rotten (Jun 4, 2018)

Definitely getting better.  I could see this on the back of a book...a chick book, but a published book, nonetheless.
You have a spot or two that need more definition and less adjectives, like this line: cultural perspectives as well as conflicting behaviors


And the rhyme at the very end kinda tilts it oddly:  or seal his fate with the venom of hate?


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## Ralph Rotten (Jun 4, 2018)

Try reading it aloud in a big announcer voice.  That's the best way to test a blurb or jacket text.


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## Ralph Rotten (Jun 4, 2018)

BTW: Doesn't it seem like writing the jacket text is harder than writing the whole damned book?


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## LeeC (Jun 4, 2018)

Some good points Ralph, thank you. I tweaked it to make the language simpler and more succinct. My email circle now mostly thinks that it not only makes clear it’s an eco-lit/nature book,  but leaves the thoughtful reader wondering what the author is trying to bring out, and how well that’s accomplished. Of course, any broad brush agreement of opinion isn’t possible given the range of human perception. ;-) The rhyme at the end stays though, as a catchy little bit to help keep the blurb at least on the periphery of the reader’s mind.

Oh, and my wife and daughter agree (seldom the case) that the book and blurb are hardly “chick-lit.” My academic daughter went on to say that beyond books like _Bridget Jones's Diary_ and _The Ones Who Matter Most_, the chick-lit label is often misused by “real” (her fingered quotes) men who disdain emotions above the belt. Sharp tongue that lady, but I thought insightful.  

And yes Ralph, coming up with a meaningful and effective  blurb is exponentially harder, especially for the author.

I’m pleased with how this  blurb has improved, and appreciative of all the help I’ve received. I’m not around much anymore (more into my artwork), but if you’d like my thoughts on a bit of writing PM me.


*About Togwotee Passage*​
Togwotee (pronounced toe'-ga-tee) is a mountain pass in the Absaroka Mountains of northwest Wyoming.  It’s a Shoshone word with one interpretation being “from here you can go anywhere,” but to seven-year-old Calan it seems a cruel joke.  Growing up in the region in the 1940s under the thumb of an abusive parent, his anger and resentment threaten to poison his soul. Even the intervention of a no-nonsense aunt to improve his circumstances exposes him to a variation of the same. Yet the intervention also introduces him to a lifelong Shoshone friend whose culture understands the connectedness of all life, to the engrossing aura of vast wilderness, and to many other creatures we share this world with.

As Calan matures and moves eastward in the following years, he encounters cultural differences and conflicting behaviors which affect his outlook. In the maze of life's twisting paths, will he find a measure of peace and individual purpose, or seal his fate with the venom of hate?


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