# The Crime of a Dying Man



## MrTickle (Oct 8, 2016)

*This is a little prose poem I wrote, thank you for reading *


When the lake swirls with a thousand ghosts
it appears as mundane as a dry mist
to Marty the dying man in his fedora hat.

When the headlights climb the drive
the window in the lounge is suddenly an endless 
fence in his son’s periphery.

If the house were a doll 
it's strings are now derailed 
his son walking forever, disabled.

He'll cut through traffic
to get to that lake.
but don't be afraid,

a thousand ghosts play until prayed,
for a ticket to jump on the wind and
be carried wherever their loved one walks.

Don't be afraid.
The worst crime a dying man can commit
is to wait on the lake’s shore.


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## jenthepen (Oct 8, 2016)

You have some interesting phrasing in this one, Mr Tickle. It is quite atmospheric, with the swirling lake and ghosts. It seems to be about a man about to commit suicide by drowning because he has lost everything, including his son's inheritance. The last two lines are the most powerful, in my opinion. 

I'm not sure how 'dry mist' works. The impossibility of it made me pause and interrupted my appreciation of your poem - maybe consider a different adjective?

An interesting and enjoyable read.

jen


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## Darkkin (Oct 8, 2016)

Hi Tickle,

Contrary to the label, this doesn't come across as a prose poem.  A prose poem encapsulates choice bites of prose in a less structured, more conversational tone.  With this piece you missed the mark. The form is basic tercet, but content-wise you are all over the map.  You need to anchor the narrative.  You establish the lake, but not much else.  Take the time to introduce Marty, just a few details, allow the reader to get to know him.  All the reader has is a name, nothing to invest in.

S2, again you are very, very vague.  Whose son?  Marty's?  If so, clarify.  There isn't an inference carried over from the first stanza, all the reader has is a name.  You need to address the context of the narrative so the reader can understand and follow along.  With prose poems, this is generally an easy thing to do.  With this piece, not so much...  

Stanzas 3 -5:  Read these stanzas aloud.  Do they make sense?  To me as a reader, I have to say no.  S3  How is a house a doll?  Where is the congruence with the simile?  Also, whose house is it?  These are details you need to clarify.  You might also want to address the rhyme on the ends of L2 and 3.  Why a random rhymed line pair in the middle of a nonrhymed poem?

S4:  Who is the he?  Marty, the son, a neighbor?  Establish ground work.  You have pieces of a puzzle, but you haven't filled in the middle yet...

S5:  This is the stanza I had the most trouble with, particularly pertaining to the use of the verb prayed.  Who did the praying?  You don't establish the source of the verb and it distorts the line, and goes headlong into a comma splice into a preposition into another verb preposition run.  The entire stanza is a run on sentence.  Take a step back, ask yourself:  What do I want to say?  What is the line supposed to do?  e.g.

Over the water, thousands of spirits cavort,
waiting for a prayer, their ticket to the wind,
to follow wherever their loved one walks.

You have a good idea for the stanza, but you lose your thread.  Tether you lines, your subjects, the action, and the place.  Allow the reader to see what you mean.

S6:  I like the use of : Don't be afraid.  But you still haven't filled in the basic questions about Marty, like why is he dying.  How is his son involved?  What crime did _this_ particular dying man commit?  Across the breadth of the poem he hasn't done anything.  How is standing on a shore a crime?

Overall, you established a decent atmosphere, but you went a little too far left, obscuring the meaning of your poem, that of a man contemplating suicide.  It took me a line by line reread to figure that out.  Some abstraction in poetry is a boon, but it needs to be handled gently otherwise you sink into the obscure, bordering gibberish.  Never a comfortable place to be whether you are a reader or a writer.

Keep your focus and bring Marty to life.  Walk around in his shoes, consider showing the lake, the scene through his eyes.  Connect the reader to him, make him more than just a puppet.  Put us in his frame of mind, allow the reader to empathize.  Rework the angle with the son (S3 -5) and connect point A to B.  Allow Marty, as a father, to feel the weight of that child's eyes upon his back, drawing him back from theedge. Clarify the crime of life through the eyes of the ghosts.

Personify, clarify.  Ground you setting, your pronouns, and know your narrator.  It is a very intriguing concept for a piece with a lot of potential.  But you need to put in the time and go beyond just the edges of the piece.  You need to write all the way to its heart.

- D. the T.


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## MrTickle (Oct 8, 2016)

Ok thanks Darkinm I really appreciate the detailed and thorough analysis. It was very helpful and I wrote this piece in a bit of a hurry and posted it without much editing which I don't often do, but you're right about the focus on my poem being too all over the place. I will use your feedback and will improve it!

thanks again!


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## Firemajic (Oct 17, 2016)

MrTickle said:


> *This is a little prose poem I wrote, thank you for reading *
> 
> 
> When the lake swirls with a thousand ghosts
> ...


Really? hummmm ... you need to have a powerful ending....



I love this.... moody, melancholy...some good lines..


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## MrTickle (Oct 18, 2016)

Thanks firemajic! This is definitely a poem I need to work on more


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 19, 2016)

I think if you combed, trimmed and edited this it could be better. I feel you need to slow down the poem and really bring out its essence. From there you can make the poem shine.  I'm not an expert with poetry but this does not strike me as a prose-poem. I also think that Darkkin has mentioned some great points.

Thanks for sharing!


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## escorial (Oct 21, 2016)

one of those pieces I end up saying as i read on....has that illusion and reality quality..crackin stuff


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