# Methadone Home



## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Sallow skin 
and nicotine fingers.
Mattress underbelly slit
entrails bared.
Bottled urine.

Sharon reeks of tobacco
and musty hamper.
She supplies the laced
smokes.

Last meal 
from soup kitchen 
and alley leftovers.

Abused and stiffed 
by Johns. Too weak
to collect.

Open sores feed
rat dreams.
Sewer nightmares.
Black sleep.


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## SvirVolgate (May 29, 2010)

'Abused and stiffed 
by Johns. Too weak
to collect.'

the whole thing is sad, but this part especially


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

What do you think about "Sewer nightmares"?  I was thinking that maybe I should drop that.


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## Edgewise (May 29, 2010)

I dig.  "Sewer nightmares" works fine.


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Edgewise - Thanks.  Wasn't sure.


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## Gumby (May 29, 2010)

Very dark and sad piece Nathan. But it works very well, the minimalist approach makes for a strong impact. Good poem!


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Gumby - Thanks.  Usually tend to write minimalist.  But I always struggle with not quite showing enough, making it difficult for the reader to understand what's going on.


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## Chesters Daughter (May 29, 2010)

The title immediately drew me in as I've been working on something a somewhat akin to this theme. The minimalist forms works well and there's more than enough for the reader to get the picture. Agree you should keep "Sewer nightmares", it compliments the preceding lines nicely. My only nit is your choice of breaks in S3, but that just may be me, and I would get rid of way in alleyway. May I suggest:

Last meal
from soup kitchen
and alley leftovers.

You captured the less than optimal existence very well. Kudos.

Best,
Lisa


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Lisa - Thanks.  Changed.  I like how that S looks, now.  But it's such a clean looking S, it makes me want to change all the others as well.


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## Chesters Daughter (May 29, 2010)

There's really no need to change the rest, Nathan, it's fine as it is. The only other I might consider is dropping and nicotine down to the next line. Forgive me, love, I'm a bit anal when it comes to breaks, so don't let me worry you. Since S3 still relates the same thing, I think it's a matter of it being "visually" clean (lined up pleasingly). It's impossible to makes all stanzas look "pretty", the words themselves are far more important than how attractive the eyes find them, so don't knock yourself out. I hope this makes some sense, I have a hell of a time saying what I mean.

Best,
Lisa


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Made change but one thing. How bout that? I'd rather end with 'skin' than 'and'.   I understand making things visually clean.


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## Chesters Daughter (May 29, 2010)

That's exactly what I meant:

Sallow skin
and nicotine fingers.

Told you I'm lousy at relating what I mean. I never end on and, of, or from, as a rule, but when it comes down to it, it's all a matter of the poet's personal preference. Sorry for being such a nag, dear, and I still really like this piece.


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## NathanBrazil (May 29, 2010)

Lisa- It's cool.  Looks cleaner now.


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## SilverMoon (May 30, 2010)

Nathan, you did a remarkable job of getting across the down and out, nitty gritty conditions and experience in such an environment. And all this using an economy of words. I read your poem over again and then once more to absorb your imagery. Brilliant, I will say. Laurie


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## NathanBrazil (May 30, 2010)

Laurie - Thanks.  Somebody has suggested more upfront.  Maybe two or three S to show the lead up to the home.  Do you think that would work here?


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## SilverMoon (May 30, 2010)

No. Nathan. Because your title, *Methadone Home,* states your talking about a home. I see no need to build up to your beginning lines. As I see it, it would almost be redundent and in fact take away from your opening lines which "hits" you right then and there, in the best possible way. 





> Sallow skin
> and nicotine fingers.


 
Please, don't touch a word. I love it as is! Laurie


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## MaggieG (May 30, 2010)

I don't know if it is just my personal preference or something else, but I am inclined to think that minimalist doesn't work well with this. I want to know the person, their story as opposed to the general story of a junkie.

Hopefully that makes sense Hun


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## NathanBrazil (May 30, 2010)

MaggieG- Makes sense.  I'll have to give that some thought.


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## rainhands (May 30, 2010)

I'm in agreement with Maggie. I found this really bland and didn't find myself caring all that much at the end about Sharon, and that's because I'm being given nothing new in this portrayal. I don't find it sad, because there's nothing of her story presented, nothing I can connect with on a personal level. I'd like to see something more human, something that takes me by surprise. Sorry to be negative. It's of course up to you to take or leave criticisms. Best,

-R


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## SilverMoon (May 30, 2010)

If Nathan's intention we're to write a "portrait piece", I'm in full agreement with you both. As I read it, it's an "atmospheric" work and in this respect I think it works very well.

Now, Nathan, you have different view points. Would be interested in what direction you where heading? If a portrait, I'd say it needs fleshing out. Again, if atmospheric, I woulnd't touch it. I can't read your mind but if your were aiming for portraiture you could have allot of fun re-working it. You have great stuff there! Laurie


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## SilverMoon (May 30, 2010)

*OK*. Nathan I just re-read and realized you named your protagonist - Sharon. (Pardon me for missing that). I would suggest either leaving out any name and stick to atmospheric _or _keep her name in and definently "show" us who she is. You have enough down as it is. Go to town! If you intend to do a re-write you have one interested audience here and among many, I'm sure. Again, sorry for the oversight. Laurie


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## NathanBrazil (May 30, 2010)

RainHands - I appreciate the feedback.  For me it's all about learning how to write.  I don't get too emotionally involved in my pieces.

SilverMoon - LOL.  It's a guy.  And Sharon is just someone who supplies him with smokes.  I know that's not clear.  Not sure which direction, I want to go.  Maybe I can complete one ver, atmospheric.  And then try another ver, that's more of a portrait piece.


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## SilverMoon (May 30, 2010)

That'll stretch the right side of your brain! I think a very good idea. An excersize of sorts.


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## JosephB (May 31, 2010)

I think it's well written. But it seems too detached and impartial to me -- although that might be your intention. Almost like it's dark and bleak just for the sake of it. I'm not really feeling any emotional connection to it from you. It's sad, of course, but it seems like there should be something deeper going on.


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## NathanBrazil (May 31, 2010)

Joe- I've been giving this quite a bit of thought. I think what I've done is kind of like doing a Normal Rockwell of a junkie in his last days. It has some appeal but it is missing the soul. If someone is really dying from hunger and their body is wasting away, what are they thinking. Have they given up? Do they lie to themselves and their mind isn't functioning well enough to tell the difference? I'd have to imagine they are in agony. They have reached a level despair that most of us would have a difficult time understanding.


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## rainhands (May 31, 2010)

> RainHands - I appreciate the feedback. For me it's all about learning how to write. I don't get too emotionally involved in my pieces.



Sorry, maybe I wasn't quite clear in my reply. I think this is an absolutely brilliant approach to writing, keeping a certain impartiality and objectivity can only help you to improve, and I'm not suggesting at all that you sacrifice this. I simply mean that the piece is quite two dimensional in subject matter. It portrays a very stereotypical view, illicits no real response because it provides nothing new, nothing to make the reader really think or challenge their preconceptions.

-R


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## JosephB (May 31, 2010)

NathanBrazil said:


> Joe- I've been giving this quite a bit of thought. I think what I've done is kind of like doing a Normal Rockwell of a junkie in his last days. It has some appeal but it is missing the soul.



Yeah, Nathan, I think that about sums it up. Sometimes I read what other folks have had to say, sometimes I don't. This time I didn't, but now I see there are others who felt like I did about this, more or less. I don't necessarily think something like this has to come from experience -- maybe it just needs to feel like it does. But don't feel like it wasn't worth the effort. That's the only way to learn.


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## Chesters Daughter (May 31, 2010)

Call me crazy, but the fact that it is missing the soul is what makes it work for me. Surely the subject of this piece has had his soul trod upon to the point of nonexistence. Its stark black and white approach mirrors the bare bones of his life, and in that respect, this piece works. I still like this piece as is, Nathan, but should you decide to expand, I will be part of your audience. Perhaps it would be easier to just leave this be and begin anew with depth in mind, hon, whatever you decide, I'm in. Good luck, love.

Best,
Lisa


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## NathanBrazil (May 31, 2010)

lol - Ya'll are confusing me.  I'll will try a new piece- more portrait style and leave this one be.

RainHands - I hear that it is too cliched for you.  I can accept that but give me the para that works the best for you.  And no fair saying they're all equally bad.


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## NathanBrazil (May 31, 2010)

iDrew - Thanks for the feedback.  I'm going to take another stab at it but from a different angle.


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## Pete_C (Jun 1, 2010)

Something has gone wrong here, and the result is that for me, this is too flawed to work. It wavers between sensationalism and cliché, and ends up just being a bit too much like a parent's horror tale to forbid their ten year old to ever consider drugs.

The whole "skag poem" thing has been done to death, and to be honest 99 per cent of them are shit. The few that work usually work because they're very honest, very true and touch on the reality of the situation rather than being a postcard "wish you were here?" from a non-empathetic point of view. Indeed, the only actual reference to drugs comes in the title, and to be frank if Methadone was being used, then the likelihood is that it's being gained from a programme of some sort. The "street" value of methadone is low because it's not typical. If someone gets it legitimately, they usually take it because they need to. If someone on the street offers it, few buy because they get the real thing; methadone isn't a bundle of laughs when compared to other opiates, which is why rehabs use it.

Bottled urine? Why would she have bottle urine? I can only assume that you're trying to indicate that she has pissed in a bottle? Now, I'm no woman, but as a man with a penis, I'd find it difficult to urinate into a bottle when sober, let alone when ragged off my tits. I doubt a lady would have any better experience. Maybe she gets the bottled urine delivered, by the Piss Man? A pint a day, please!

_"Sharon reeks of tobacco
and musty hamper.
She supplies the laced
smokes."_

Nope, don't get it. She supplies the laced smokes? What laced smokes? If you are implying she sells a bit of puff, then she'd have a few bob, and she'd be with it. I just don't see a dealer in this poem, so what does that actually mean?

The bit about John's made me think too. She doesn't sound like much of a trick-turner, does she. Okay, a few bums might want a freebie, but most Johns are wiulling to pay, and might prefer someone with a pulse.

It's too contrived, too artificially doomy, too off-target for me.


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## NathanBrazil (Jun 1, 2010)

Pete_C - It's a guy, which gives John's a different angle. I know that's not clear.  But what you're saying is what I feared.  It feels contrived because I wouldn't know how it is without doing the research.  Your critique is harsh but feels accurate.


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## C Curtis (Jun 1, 2010)

I agree with Laurie, the economy of language makes this piece and I enjoyed its minimalism.
Especially liked the aural quality of the last stanza.
Very dark, very good.

C


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## NathanBrazil (Jun 1, 2010)

Pete_C - The ones that you said worked for you, I'd like to read them. Can you point me in the right direction? It makes me want to make the next Poetry Challenge- "A Skag Poem".   And if we did, I'd very much like to see your take on it.


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