# If Happy Doesn't Get Lucky



## Vitaly Ana (Oct 11, 2013)

Beware of the sincere
desire for what has past.

Be wary of wishes,
Beware they may last.

Beware before
you need the bygone, more

than you need today.


----------



## Sailwa (Oct 13, 2013)

Stay in the present moment! I think more imagery would have built up your message more substantially.


----------



## D. E. Forester (Oct 14, 2013)

This just feels unclear and disjointed to me, and not in a good way.

Length and imagery might help; there's very little to make this relevant.

Also, I immediately came up with an alternate version upon finishing reading yours; it's not meant as a negative criticism, but simply to show how my mind connected the "holes".

_Be wary of the desire for what has come and passed.
Be wary of your wishes, for who knows how long they'll last?

The near and far flung future is a very fragile thing,
Be cautious in the here and now; none can say what it might bring._

_Be wary of the words "come what will what may"
For you may need the bygone more than you did today._


----------



## The Tourist (Oct 14, 2013)

_Beware the poem.
You wanted beer, you got foam._

I have to admit, I didn't think it hung together, either.  I think I know where you were headed.  Perhaps a re-write?


----------



## Willow (Oct 15, 2013)

I love what you're saying, Vitaly Ana , it's so very true! 

I like how you juxtapose elements, the structure, and I like the last line's punch. Living in the past, and getting caught up in our desires and wishes is a very real danger - this one's very close to home for me  

I do, however, understand everyone's concern regarding the poem's legibility, the first stanza's lines flow into each other (enjambment), the next stanza has a pause in between its two lines and the third is disjointed, effective if used well, but here it maybe confuses? 
Although I don't know if I agree that the poem needs more imagery - sometimes that just serves to clutter - and this is more a simple and straightforward warning to me.


----------



## Willow (Oct 15, 2013)

I just wanted to mention, quickly, that I liked D. E. Forester 's version of this poem as well - it works  but in a totally different way.


----------



## Pandora (Oct 15, 2013)

Hey I love the message and find with years passing I do lose myself in the past, 
emotions there finely aged like old friends.
Great advice though in those few lines, there is strength in that. I will heed and check myself 
to try to live the day even just one day, here in the now. 
Another great poem Vitaly Ana. Oh and the title is eye catching and very creative.


----------



## Theglasshouse (Oct 15, 2013)

Pandora said:


> Hey I love the message and find with years passing I do lose myself in the past,
> emotions there finely aged like old friends.
> Great advice though in those few lines, there is strength in that. I will heed and check myself
> to try to live the day even just one day, here in the now.
> Another great poem Vitaly Ana. Oh and the title is eye catching and very creative.



I wish I would have been astute enough to understand it this way, but I couldn't relate to the line/s in the first two stanzas, until I read Pandora's critique. Otherwise a great poem, and some very good technique from Vitaly.


----------



## escorial (Oct 15, 2013)

the lyrical feel to this is what carries it..I get the notion read it quick take it in..kinda contradictory words that work well.


----------



## Vitaly Ana (Oct 16, 2013)

The main thing I was trying to do here was play with the "be" and "by" sounds and then ending on a final word which was lacking that sound. Having said that - it sort of turns the piece into something too short; unrelatable.

I like DE Forester's edit. Thanks all for your suggestions and comments.

](*,)


----------



## Gumby (Oct 16, 2013)

Love the message here, V.


----------

