# Dreaming on Hergest Ridge



## jenthepen (May 30, 2015)

As I lay up on Hergest Ridge 
and watched the valley down below,
it seemed as still as any art
that Constable or Crome might show.
But now I know as much as they,
because the senses never sleep
and though the scenery is steeped
in soporific drapery, like image
in some gallery, I yet get clues
that life goes on as all around
I hear the song of crickets chirping
in the heath and feel the touch of
tender breeze that prods the clouds
to seize their chance to dance across 
the sky above in thermals proved
by soaring hawks as they laze high
above my gaze and share my point of view.


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## musichal (May 30, 2015)

I love your poem...

"because the senses never sleep
 and though the scenery is steeped
 in soporific drapery, like image
 in some gallery, I yet get clues
 that life goes on as all around"

I loved it all, but the above was its heart, imo... tying all together so neatly and with such elegant language.  Well done!



Oops!  Forgot the one nit I have:  I didn't write it.


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## Firemajic (May 30, 2015)

jennnn... This is lovely.. dreamy.. words skillfully used to capture a mood and moment... Your imagery paints a beautiful summer landscape... Thank you for sharing.. Peace...


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## musichal (May 30, 2015)

Very subtle with the rhymes... flowing like a lazy river.  Fantastic when read loud; silky smooth.  So subtle it's easy to miss its dynamics.  Simply sublime.  Inspired.  Your Muse blessed you with this.


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## Sonata (May 31, 2015)

I just loved it - I think my favourite line being



> I hear the song of crickets chirping


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## escorial (May 31, 2015)

just had to look at it...got some pictures up and they looked fab....your poem fitted so well with them..well done


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## Nellie (May 31, 2015)

Wonderful images! I love this



> in soporific drapery, like image
> in some gallery, I yet get clues
> that life goes on as all around


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## QDOS (May 31, 2015)

Beautiful first four lines, and the rest just rolled off the tongue. Nice imagery. 

QDOS


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## jenthepen (May 31, 2015)

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive comments. 

I am lucky enough to live within five miles of Hergest Ridge and the scenery and atmosphere of this area has been wonderfully inspirational for me. I'm glad you checked it out, escorial. The Wye Valley and the border of England and mid Wales is especially beautiful and still seems to hold the magic of medieval England and the mystic history of Wales - it makes poetry easy. 

jen


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## mark_schaeffer (Feb 28, 2017)

Lots of great stuff in the first half and at the close. Bears some study. 

_to seize their chance to dance across 
the sky above in thermals proved
by soaring hawks as they laze high
above my gaze_ and share my point of view

share my point of view feels wrong, too small, so five words away from greatness

_I hear the song of crickets chirping
in the heath and feel the touch of
tender breeze                                     --- _weakest lines


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## jenthepen (Mar 1, 2017)

Thanks, Mark. I really appreciate your honest and insightful critique. You are making me dig deep and I shall now take another look at this one with new eyes.


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## ned (Mar 1, 2017)

hello - lovely pace and thoughtfulness about this poem -

but I didn't really get the sense of place through the imagery.

ok - it looks like a lanscape painting - which is a bit vague
we get the sounds, the clouds and the hawks - but what of the ridge and the view?

the opening has a mix of tenses - and needs a bit of tidying - and perhaps seperation from the main body.

As I laid upon Hergest Ridge 
and watched the valley below,
it seemed as still as any art
Constable or Crome might show.

But now...

then the rhymes seem to fizzle out - and an unnatural line-break disrupts the form, for me.

give us the visage - the colours and vista.
Ned


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## jenthepen (Mar 2, 2017)

Thanks, ned. I take the point about the extra possibilities for more sensory description. I might try a new version, taking that into account.

As far as the line breaks and lack of rhyme goes, that was deliberate. The first four lines were meant to follow convention as I set the scene. The rest of the poem was an attempt to express the way I became caught up in the moment. If you try reading the piece aloud and follow the punctuation for breaks rather than the line ends I think (hope) you'll find the poem flows quite well and does, in fact, contain rhymes where the natural breaks occur.

 It seems to work for some and not others so maybe the experiment failed. I'd be interested to know if you can see another side of this poem after reading my explanation. Although, in effect, I suppose it has already failed if it has to be explained.


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## ned (Mar 2, 2017)

hello J the P - of course, the poem has not failed because you had to explain it to _one _critic.

and explaining the form is different from having to explain the meaning - which is clear here.
 - I will read in a new light and get back to you.

Ned


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## jenthepen (Mar 3, 2017)

I wrote this poem two years ago and, because of the recent interest, I've had to revisit the ideas and emotions that triggered it. I still like it pretty much the way it finished up but I did make some changes after it was first posted here.

I felt the core idea - that everything is in a constant state of movement and change, no matter how picture-perfect it may appear - was not coming through sufficiently. I wanted the poem itself to build in pace as it went on, hence the strange line breaks and internal rhymes which I hoped would achieve a feeling of movement. The hawks at the end are sharing my understanding (point of view) of the teeming life below the seemingly static.

In an effort to achieve all this, I changed the presentation and added a final four lines to bring the poem full circle and sum up my changed thinking. This is how the poem ended up:

As I lay up on Hergest Ridge 
and watched the valley down below,
it seemed as still as any art
that Constable or Crome might show.

But now I know as much as they,
because the senses never sleep
and though the scenery is steeped
in soporific drapery, like image
in some gallery, I yet get clues
that change goes on, as all around
I hear the song of crickets chirping
in the heath and feel the touch of
tender breeze that prods the clouds
to seize their chance to dance across 
the sky above in thermals proved
by soaring hawks as they laze high
above my gaze, and share my point of view.

As I lay up on Hergest Ridge 
and watched the valley from afar,
I see that nothing- even death -
can keep things as they are.


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## mark_schaeffer (Mar 3, 2017)

Toothpaste was already out of the tube. Stay with what you had and try to tweak the meaning ever so slightly. If I read Helen Vendler correctly, it doesn't really matter what the poem says or means, it's how you get there. The new lines just let air out of the tires.

Might want to read a few Philip Larkin poems if you want to sharpen the edges. Unless of course you haven't read Philip Larkin in which case you may want to read a lot of Philip Larkin poems. Heaney too. Interesting, American Century but UK has the two best poets.

:alien: :alien: :alien:  :shock:


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## jenthepen (Mar 3, 2017)

mark_schaeffer said:


> The new lines just let air out of the tires.
> 
> :alien: :alien: :alien:  :shock:



Sadly, I think you are probably right, Mark.


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## ned (Mar 4, 2017)

Hello - the more I read the poem, the more meaning I get, and see the internal assonances.
I'm never happy with unnatural line breaks - unless they have good purpose (beyond a rhyme)

all I can suggest are tiny tweaks...

Yet, now I know as much as they 
because my senses never sleep (keep it personal)
and though the scenery is steeped
in soporific drapery, like images (plural)
in some gallery, I yet get clues (really like these lines)
that time is moving on, as all around (change is implied)
the song of crickets on the heath (no need for hearing or feeling)
and the touch of tender breeze
nudging clouds to take their chance (more relatable?)
and dance across the thermals proved (not sure what is meant by proved)
by soaring hawks that laze on high (we know it is in the sky)
and share my point of view. (above one's gaze, is not one's POV)

Now as I lay up on Hergest Ridge (bring this verse up to the present)
and watch the valley from afar,
I see that nothing- even rest - (death is too strong?)
can keep things as they are. 						

cheers......Ned


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## jenthepen (Mar 4, 2017)

ned said:


> Hello - the more I read the poem, the more meaning I get, and see the internal assonances.
> I'm never happy with unnatural line breaks - unless they have good purpose (beyond a rhyme)
> 
> all I can suggest are tiny tweaks...
> ...



  	 	 	 	   Thanks ned. 

You make some interesting points. I can answer some; the hawks lazing on high prove the thermals and the hawk sharing my point of view is about the hunting birds being aware of the tiny movements in the apparently still landscape (sharing point of view as in sharing my awareness.)

I tend to agree that some of the line breaks are unnecessarily weird - I think I was going through a stage of experimentation when I wrote this. 

Anyway, thanks for giving me your reaction and advice. It has certainly concentrated my mind around this poem!

jen


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