# Pillow Talk



## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2015)

_*The far side of my bed
is a desolate waste land
I hold your pillow 
against the emptiness in
my chest aches with loss
as I reach for another fix
this dear God what happened
to my life without you
is unbearable pain 
in my chest aches with 
grief is cold and lonely
on the far side of my bed
I clutch your pillow weeping
dear God fix this
*_


----------



## aj47 (Dec 31, 2015)

I believe you have a tense problem and you either need punctuation or to rearrange your line breaks.   This reads very muddled, though I _think_ that I see what you're trying for.


----------



## escorial (Dec 31, 2015)

sometimes your poetry has a crushing feel...heavy stuff...and i like it


----------



## Gumby (Dec 31, 2015)

I like what you're going for here, Juls. Lines that overlap into the next line, nice! I wonder if there is a way to make it more obvious?  But once you catch on, it is smoother. Maybe play with making the overlap words a different color.


----------



## midnightpoet (Dec 31, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> _*The far side of my bed
> is a desolate waste land;
> I hold your pillow
> against the emptiness;
> ...


I'm not trying to re-write this for you, just some suggestions.  The feeling of desolate anguish come through.  Good job.


----------



## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> _*The far side of my bed
> is a desolate waste land
> I hold your pillow
> against the emptiness in
> ...



The words in red represent words that link two separate thoughts.. I was trying to use the same word in two separate ways... something like that... 

astroannie.. I was trying to express the chaotic nature of someone high and craaazy with pain.. the inner turmoil that this situation brings.. anyway.. hahaa, yeah it need some work.. thank you..

Escorial, thank you for your fabulous comment..

Gumby, right.. thank you for understanding what I was going for...I enjoy experminting with words and the way they can be used...

Midnight.. I see what you mean, and certainly that is a good example of how punctuation can change the meaning of a line.. fabulous! Thank you..


----------



## RHPeat (Dec 31, 2015)

Firemagic

You could also try some mid-line white spaces where one intent breaks on/or before the next line. To actually create that pause that reads both ways. I don't know if this helps any. but it's this kind of thought that I'm speaking about below. something a bit different to mess with along with other things. 

_The far side of .... my bed
is a desolate waste .... land
I hold your pillow 
against the emptiness .... in
my chest .... aches with loss
as I reach for another .... fix_
_this dear God .... what happened
to my life without you
is unbearable .... pain _

It's just an example. Do you like the beat poets? An acquaintance of mine in the 60's, Bob Kaufman liked to make the reader backtrack a line or two at times. And I think that Kenneth Patchen like to do something very similar to what you're doing here, but his poems were actually paintings. So the formatting might have come about due to spacial needs on the canvas surface. I like what you are experimenting with, I think its a real adventure for the placement of words to create a movable sound by shifting the voice when it is read aloud as well. It is very exciting in that sense of the compounded line. I think it would be interesting to hear you read it for the effect. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


----------



## Gumby (Dec 31, 2015)

I agree, it could be very dramatic, a powerful spoken piece.


----------



## RHPeat (Dec 31, 2015)

Grumpy

It could even be done in two voices on stage like a duet in harmony. Picking up where the other left off in the poem's presentation. I have some poems like this that were actually written for two voices, maybe even overlapping a bit/ dove-tailing as actors would say about dialog. I did a couple of them for a city art convention one time, back in 1999, I think it was in 99. It was a stage presentation as poetry. Not as a play at all. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2016)

RHPeat... I never thought about using spaces to separate or accentuate... I am completely intrigued ... I will certainly experiment with this.. I want my poetry to constantly evolve and morph into new styles... Thank you so much, this is exciting and has inspired my fire..


----------



## Ariel (Jan 1, 2016)

You may also think about using those words as your line breaks.  It'll destroy any steady rhythm you have which will accentuate the feeling of chaos and (in some lines) heaviness.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*The far side of my bed
> is a desolate      waste land
> I hold your pillow
> against the emptiness in
> ...




I rearranged the lines, using some of TL's spaces as examples of where a line break could work.. any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.. Thank you for reading.. and thank you TL Murphy for giving me a new direction to explore...


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2016)

amsaw, sorry.. I missed your post while I was working on this... I thought exactly what you suggested and edited the poem to reflect that.. I am still not sure if it expresses my emotions.. but I think it reads less muddled...


----------



## Ariel (Jan 1, 2016)

Oh, hey, it's only a suggestion!


----------



## chrisatola (Jan 1, 2016)

Firemajic,

i don't think i have anything to add of any benefit. i think this is a very powerful poem, and i like the emphasis in red. i caught on to the line endings/beginnings about halfway through, and i think drawing attention in some way will benefit the reader (though i did end up figuring it out).  

lots of emotion here, thanks for the read!


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 1, 2016)

Thank you Chrisatola.. This is still a WIP..so I am glad you caught on .. hahaa there is a method to my madness... thanks for reading and commenting...


----------



## kaminoshiyo (Jan 15, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> _*The far side of my bed
> is a desolate waste land
> I hold your pillow
> against the emptiness in
> ...



You know, I clicked on this poem thinking you had something kinky going on and when I read the first two lines it carved my heart out...

The wording, the emphasis of emotion, and the _demonstration_ of emotion by what, at first, I thought to be a jumble, really worked well. Impressive.


----------



## Firemajic (Jan 16, 2016)

Kaminoshiyo... Than you so much for understanding what I was trying to express.. Sometimes, what I want to say, sounds good in my mind, but always loses power when I try to write .. hahha.. anyway, thank you for your fabulous comment, I appreciate..


----------

