# 9/13/10 - LM - Discovering a Portal to... SCORES



## Like a Fox (Oct 15, 2010)

Goodness!

I am so sorry to all of you for the massive delay. One judge has a lot of real life things going on, so we’ve had to complete this round with three judges, and then I too have had a lot standing in my way. THEN would you believe it, just as I get my act together, I leave all my judging/calculating etc. on my work computer. So I had to do it all over again. Drag!!

Fortunately these stories were all excellent, and it was a joy to do so. I hate to have held up the process for so long. Cursed real life and it’s getting in the wayness.

Anyway, enough about me. I’ll announce the winners, include the scoring maths, and then you can all read the comments from each judge.
Congratulations to everyone for entering , this was a great prompt (thanks to Kat).
And thanks of course to the judges, Kat again, and Leyline.*

So the winner for this round is **Edropus! Well done, an excellent story.
In Second Place we have a tie between **garza and **ppsage.
And a tie in third also, for **K3ng and **Sonofjoe**.

Well done all five of you. Great entries.

*Scoring

Nintendo by K3ng -                                                                                        18 + 13 + 17 = 48/3 = Average 16
One Minute Gambit by TheFuhrer02 -        17 + 14 + 16 = 47/3 = Average 15.66
Untitled by Edropus -                               20 + 16 + 20 = 56/3 = Average 18.66
Untitled by Olly Buckle -                           16 + 16 + 15 = 46/3 = Average 15.66
The Moving Things are Clouds by Caelum -  16 + 15 + 16 = 46/3 = Average 15.66
The Journey by Sonofjoe -                                                                15 + 15 + 18 = 48/3 = Average 16
Speedy and Pyg by garza -                       19 + 13 + 19 = 51/3 = Average 17
Heaven’s Gate by ppsage -                                                                15 + 16 + 20 = 51/3 = Average 17
*

Like a Fox’s Scores*

*Nintendo 
By K3ng*
Ha! Cute story. I love Nintendo, like any nerd my age, and Super Mario is where it all started. This had me wanting to see a full scale adventure happening in the real-life-version of Mario land. I thought you did pretty well with the time frame. The descriptions of the books in the library felt a little weak. _Pages so yellow they were almost orange - Title on the cover almost completely faded -rather deep -all but disappeared._ I call these non-committals. I do them a lot, by nature. But I think when there’s a whole bunch of them like that, they weaken the writing, unless it’s in a character voice or imperative to the style, which I didn’t feel here. Your characters all sounded a bit the same, but otherwise I thought this was cute, good visuals, and now you’ve got me gunning for the real life Nintendo story. Good fun.
*Score 18/20*

*One Minute Gambit (561)
by TheFuhrer02*
I like the reveal in this story, giving us his fear first, and then waiting a little to show us he’s playing chess. I felt this story lacked visuals, I wanted to know what his Dad’s face looked like, maybe just a comment on the black and white chequered board. Otherwise I could only really hear this story, not see it. I also think this would be much smoother in present tense. Half the story you seem to be fighting just to keep it in past. With that kind of immediacy I think it definitely serves to have it in present. Otherwise you have things like _– A lot were at stake here, and if I make a misjudged move, it might be the end of it all. _Which is shifting a bit. Great job though, a quick easy read.
*Score 17/20

Catflap
by Leyline*
Oh I like this. The ambiguity is perfect, for me. I love the moment where he says he shot Tonya. You’ve given the reader enough grounding before that to get to that point, and the narrative is easy to stick to after that, which is a feat considering we’re listening to the ramblings of a maybe dead guy who isn’t doing anything thinking about a cat that may or may not exist. 
*Judge Entry – No Score.

Untitled
by Edropus*
Oh, wow. What an excellent opener, and it just continued to be excellent all the way through. Beautiful prose. A very clear narrative. You deliver two shocking things in a very short piece, both with  dignity. Nothing feels trite. I loved it. I think you should come up with a great title for this one.
*Score 20/20

Untitled
By Olly Buckle*
Haha, Olly. This is like a moderator’s fantasy. The parallel land of forum trolls, where they can all howl into the wind and ignore each other suitably. I like the set up here. I was a bit lost visually when the doppelganger computer showed up. Wasn’t sure if there was another desk entirely, or another computer or what. And I had to suspend my disbelief a bit that this character would just accept that. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing about serious fatigue at the start could have helped that. Anyway, I enjoyed it. The motivation made me laugh especially. Nice one.
*Score 16/20

The Moving Things are Clouds
By Caelum*
Haha. Well firstly, I don’t think you needed that last line. It remained stronger without it I thought, parable-ish... yeah, quite an ish. But it felt like a kid’s story, just one without too deep of a meaning. Maybe ‘Curiosity makes you King’, haha something like that. I enjoyed it, though I felt there was a little distance between us and the story. No real sense of immediacy, it read like a summary of what happened while it was happening. Especially in the opening. _I call up images of the day’s events and random fantasies. _This does nothing for the reader. Specifics are far superior here and maybe will give us some emotional investment in the character. Maybe his life sucks and that’s why he has to escape to this magical world where he is king. If he lived in an orphanage for example, that would give this story a real point. I like the promise here.
*Score 16/20

The Journey
By Sonofjoe*
I liked this. I did figure out that we were listening to the out-of-body version of the dying man when he said he felt obliged to stay. I’d love to think it was my perceptive prowess, but I’m certainly not known for that, so I feel this would be a bit stronger if it wasn’t as obvious. I like the idea, simple and effective. I wonder if the execution could be improved though. Maybe with a hint at a little more story, ambiguous of course, it’d have to be at this length. But as it is I’m not sure I feel any loss with this guy’s death. Maybe the woman is his mother, or his long lost sister he’s just reunited with. Something a bit tragic, other than the obvious loss of life, to make us really feel it. Twist the knife. 
*Score 15/20

Doorway
By Kat*
This was ambiguous enough that I got a different thing out of it on re-read. I decided I liked the idea that it was her wedding day. The thin silk dress, the veil. Perhaps that’s cliché – Veil=wedding. But with that in mind I really loved the ending. Even if that weren’t the intention you built a rich world here, I could smell it and feel the dampness. 
A little bit of word repetition. Room, gloom, room. And Clung was said twice in quick succession. Otherwise, I like what you did with the 650, nice job. 
*Judge Entry – No Score

Speedy ad Pyg
By garza*
Oh I really liked this. I’m not particularly familiar with Pygmalion (But I love that you explained it for me so I didn’t have to google it!). I thought you developed two distinct character voices here. I wouldn’t always champion that kinda ending – the skip forward however many years, but you made it relevant with the door. It’s a bit unbelievable that they’d just so happen to be having that conversation then, like they hadn’t had it before. But I was happy to suspend any disbelief because it fit with the style. Nicely done.
*Score 19/20

Heaven Gate
By ppsage*
You know I get so nervous when you enter. I just don’t know if I’m ever going to understand your stories. You don’t play it down for the reader like me, and while I’m glad you don’t (why should your art have to suffer fools?) it does make my job hard.  Truly, I don’t get it. Too many characters. No physical grounding. The dialogue is unrealistic and jilted. And I believe that’s all part of your style, but my neurons simply cannot digest it.
What I can take from it is I do get more each time I re-read (Though I tend only to read these stories once for the judging), your play on words is a joy and I do sometimes find the humour.  One day I’ll figure it out. 
*Score 15/20*


*Kat’s Scores*

*K3ng- Nintendo
*Overuse of exclamation points. Cute little story, had trouble suspending disbelief that the portal would of course be in the school. Had a little laugh at the end. What kid didn’t have a fantasy about jumping into a video game? *
13/20

TheFuhrer02- One Minute Gambit
*The ending was a let down, the lead up falling a bit flat. A chess game as a matter of life or death…didn’t work for me. I knew in the beginning that it was a chess game but felt like you were trying to make it seem as if something more. Could have actually put in something more, a rider, bet on the game…some reason why it might have been so life or death feeling. *
14/20

Leyline- Catflap
*Too bad this isn’t for judging. I really enjoyed it. Great voice, dark theme, evil cat—what more could you want in a story?* 
No Score

Edropus- untitled
*The repetition in the first paragraph about the poop didn’t add to the piece, distracted me. Several run-on sentences that could have kept their tone and been separated, mostly the last paragraph. Did enjoy the use of theme and the doors. Made me wonder if I would choose to open the door and follow if my loved one died or would I fear death? *
16/20

Olly- Untitled
*iPod, no space. Missing space between first two and last two paragraphs. The piece made me laugh. Wish that I could move some pests in real life to another dimension. *
16/20

Caelum-The Moving Things Are Clouds
*I laughed at the landing. Should have stopped at “I am the king”, the last paragraph adds nothing to the piece. *
15/20

Sonofjoe- The Journey
*Taught=taunt? in first paragraph. I was confused at the ending. Was he watching his own death or did he switch places with the dead man? Great imagery about the crash and crowd without being gory. *
15/20

Garza- Speedy and Pyg
*Extra period first paragraph, Speech=speech, missing a quotation… few little errors like that. Seems like if you would have taken one more look over before posting you could have caught them. I liked the characters and their voices. Interesting take on the theme.* 
13/20

Ppsage- Heaven Gate
*I always finish your stories feeling like I missed the joke. I know that I am not catching the whole of it. Certainly entices me to read it over and over again. Has a very sensual tone, erotic without being base. *
16/20 


Leyline’s Scores*

*Title:** Nintendo*
Author: K3ng
Funny stuff! I enjoyed the real Nintendo details, but this was let down a bit by a weak ending. It just sorta stopped. Nicely written and a terrific idea, though. 
*17/20**

Title: One Minute Gambit*
Author: TheFurhrer02
A strange one, also let down by the ending. Enjoyed some of the odd metaphors and the tricky nature of the narrative. I guessed it was a chess game halfway through though.
*16/20**

Title: UNTITLED*
Author: edropus
Absolutely beautiful. Wonderfully written, quite moving and strangely disturbing. Superb use of prompt. Deserves a title.
*20/20**

Title:UNTITLED*
Author: Olly Buckle
A really good idea that sort of goes nowhere. The ending sort of sinks it, basically just stating the theme outright. Still, I really enjoyed the vibe of a 'moderator tell-all' and the idea that outlet octopi might create parallel worlds...
*15/20**

Title: The Moving Things Are Clouds*
Author: caelum
Well written and charming, but (yet again) it really only leads to a summation rather than an ending. Some nice turns of phrase and images.
*16/20**

Title: The Journey*
Author: Sonofjoe
A well described moment of horror made strangely beautiful. Excellent ending. A nice twist. 
*18/20**

Title: Speedy & Pyg
Author: garza*
Ha! Excellent retelling of Pygmalion and superb use of theme. Enjoyed the dialect greatly, though I'm not sure where dialect stops and grammar-errors might begin?
*19/20**

Title: Heaven's Gate
Author: ppsage*
Pure 'sage. Wordplay, the theme almost immaterial, and I think the ghost of Avram Davidson winked at me.
*20/20*


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## Bruno Spatola (Oct 16, 2010)

Nice one Edropus. It was a great little story, my personal favourite.


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## caelum (Oct 16, 2010)

Congrats, Edropus .  That theme was loads of fun.


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## garza (Oct 16, 2010)

Excellent Edropus - a good read and well deserving of the win.


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## Sonofjoe (Oct 17, 2010)

Congrats edropus and thanks to the other participants for some enjoyable reading. Recognition also goes to the judges too; your comments on my submission have been very helpful. This was my first contribution to LM and will certainly not be the last.


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 17, 2010)

Thank you to the judges for all your effort, I thoroughly enjoyed this and look forward to the next challenge. Congratulations to the winner of course, but to everyone else as well, some excellent stories there.


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