# Alternative Versions



## Trollbuster (May 14, 2009)

*ALTERNATIVE VERSIONS*​

*1	INTERIOR - MODERN OFFICE – DAY*

A middle-aged Jewish film director called BERCKOVITZ is talking to us. He wears an open neck shirt and bears a slight resemblance to Stephen Spielberg. (The resemblance to Spielberg must be just enough to make the point whilst avoiding any threat of litigation.)

*BERCKOVITZ:*​
My name is David Berckovitz and I’m a film director. In August 2002 I left America to pay a visit to what had once been East Berlin. Whilst I was gathering material for a documentary about the Berlin wall, a truly amazing thing happened. It occurred during a guided tour of the headquarters of the former East German secret police…the Stasi. The guide took me to the central records department where the Stasi kept files on virtually every inhabitant of the GDR. Looking through some of the documents, I came across a file on a woman called Helena Bauchmann. The name rang a bell. Before the war my parents had lived in Berlin and I remember my mother telling me that her best friend at school had been called Helena Bauchmann. And, when I checked the file, it turned out to be the same woman. Coincidence...or fate? Who knows. I then discovered that Helena had worked as a typist at the German Ufa film studios in Berlin. In 1934 Helena was given the job of typing the script for Leni Riefenstahl’s infamous documentary Triumph of the Will. But Helena made two versions. One was for the original film as shown on the screen and the other was for a completely different one. One she called “The Kosher Cut.” You see, Helena was half Jewish and she detested the Nazis and all they stood for. Later, when I visited her grave, I pondered on the amazing coincidence that had brought us together. Suddenly I realized that this was no mere coincidence. The hand of fate had reached out and touched me. This was the film I had to make. So, without further ado, here is Helena Bauchmann’s masterpiece…”

*3	DARK SCREEN *

_Screen is held for 30 seconds with musical score from the Can Can.  Fade in to…_

*4	IMAGE OF NAZI EMBLEM* 

I_n this version of the Nazi emblem the eagle has been replaced by a rather scrawny chicken. Its pathetic little wings are spread and there’s just enough meat to make a sandwich. The image is held for 5 seconds.
_
*5	INTERIOR - HITLER’S PERSONAL LAVATORY - DAY*

_This is no ordinary toilet. It’s a monumental construction the size of a football field. We see a gigantic crystal chandelier suspended from the centre of the domed roof.  At one end as the camera pans round there are two massive concrete statues. One is of a naked man. A peasant, he holds a sickle and a sheaf of freshly cut wheat. The face and body build resembles someone suffering from Down’s Syndrome. The other is of a naked mother with a baby in her arms. She too is a Down’s sufferer. The style is Nazi neo-realism. These are the symbols of the Aryan Race. In the centre the white marble toilet and matching bidet are set on a marble plinth. Four gothic columns surround the plinth. On top we see a white marble cistern. A chain hangs down. We can just about see HITLER seated on the toilet taking a crap. His valet, LINGE, stands nearby bearing a silver tray with a toilet roll on it. We close in on HITLER’S face. As he strains to pass a stool, the veins stand out on his forehead which is bathed in sweat. _

*HITLER:*​
Gott im Himmel, Linge! This shithouse was designed by my favorite architect, Albert Speer. Here, on a toilet made of the finest Italian Carrara marble…a gift from my good friend Benito Mussolini…sits the political and military genius who will conquer the world. And can he take a crap? Can he fuck! And do you know why? Because he’s constipated.

*LINGE​*
Those tablets Dr Morell gave you. Haven’t they worked, My Fuhrer?

*HITLER*​
Morell? That fat fucker? I’ll have him shot.

*6	INTERIOR – MARBLE PASSAGE - DAY	* 

_From behind, we see the corpulent DR MORELL as he waddles down the long marble passage in the new Chancellery. He’s clutching his ample backside._

*MORELL*​
I don’t know about Hitler, but I don’t think I’ll have any trouble shitting.

_We hear the sound of LOUD WET FARTS. Slow fade to…_

*7	TITLES *

_In childish lettering…_

*“TRIUMPH
OF THE
WILL
(THE KOSHER CUT!)”​*
_Screen goes dark as titles continue: _

“Documentary of the Reich Party Day 1934

Produced by Order of the Fuhrer

Created by Leni Riefenstahl

On September 5, 1934,

20 years after the outbreak of the World War...

16 years after the beginning of our suffering...

19 months after the German people voted this wanker in...

Adolf Hitler flew again to Nuremberg to harangue his faithful followers with two hours of unadulterated horseshit...”

_Dissolves to… _

*(PART I: HITLER'S ARRIVAL IN NUREMBERG)*

*8	EXTERIOR - OPEN SKY - DAY	*

_Mythic mountains of clouds as they build to a great crescendo. We hear WAGNERIAN MUSIC played out of tune. A DUCK flies past. Apart from the fact that it’s white, it bears an uncanny resemblance to Daffy Duck.
_
*DUCK*​
You think I’m weird? Wait till you see this asshole!


*9	INTERIOR - AIRPLANE COCKPIT - DAY*

_Clouds seen outside. The pilot, BAUER, is clearly drunk. He waves a bottle of BECKS BEER. Behind him the door to the passenger compartment is open. We see HITLER from behind as he drops his trousers and moons at us.
_
*10 	EXTERIOR – OPEN SKY - DAY*

_The clouds begin to disperse revealing the Junker-52. The aircraft flies erratically over the medieval city of Nuremberg which can be seen below._

*11	EXTERIOR – OLD NUREMBERG HOUSE - DAY*

_A large pair of WOMEN’S BLOOMERS flies from the ancient building. A swastika has been sewn on the seat._

*12 	EXTERIOR – COBBLED STREET - DAY	*

_From above we see hundreds of marching brown-shirted STORM TROOPERS. As the dark shadow of the aircraft passes over, they look up and blow a loud raspberry. This greeting is followed by a loud, raucous, music hall rendition of “Daisy, Daisy.”  Cut to…_

*13	EXTERIOR – AIRPORT - DAY 	* 

_A few “worshipers” have been gathered to greet HITLER'S arrival. Behind them we see armed SS men who prevent them from leaving. We pan to the aircraft pulling up onto the airfield. Two SS MEN rush to grab hold of it, but it’s going too fast for them. The plane weaves from side to side in a wide arc, causing the SPECTATORS to flee in terror.  Quick cuts to.._.

_A young HITLER YOUTH picking his nose. He tastes it.

A BLIND WOMAN, with mouth agape.

MOSES with one of the TABLETS under his arm. Cut to… _

_The aircraft door opens and NAZI DIGNITARIES descend. GOEBBELS, DIETRICH, SCHAUB and HITLER. All clearly suffering from the effects of alcohol. Once HITLER has emerged catcalls of “He’s pissed again!” “Send the cunt back to Austria!” are heard loudly over the soundtrack. HITLER responds by giving a majestic bow. He loses his balance and, giggling, topples over.  Slapstick as GOEBBELS, also three sheets to the wind, tries to help him. _

*14	INTERIOR – TOILET CUBICLE - DAY 	*

_Hitler is seen in a private moment, kneeling in a toilet cubicle and vomiting. Cut to…
_
*15	EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG STREET - DAY 	* 

_We see the motorcade. HITLER is being driven through the city in his Mercedes. PEOPLE are going about their business and totally ignoring the motorcade. Scene changes quickly to the buildings. A Communist flag hangs from a balcony. On the balcony, a group of REDS urinate on the Fuhrer as he passes below. But HITLER is clearly ready for this. He gives them the finger and opens an umbrella. This is done to the beat on the soundtrack. The music is from Richard Wagner's “Der Ring Des Nibelungen,” but played deliberately off key to give a comic effect. The camera moves to show the expressions of a few civilians and NSDAP MEMBERS on HITLER’S route. They seem enthusiastic at the sight of HITLER in the motorcade. Close up we see SS MEN WITH BAYONETS kneeling behind the SPECTATORS. They use the bayonets to encourage the people to cheer. Cut to…_

_A YOUNG GIRL and her MOTHER are giving HITLER flowers. As HITLER bends to take them, a jet of water squirts out, hitting him in the face. Close up on HITLER’S angry expression. His face is wet. Cut to…

We see the motorcade continuing. As they pass under bridge, two GESTAPO MEN escort the MOTHER and the YOUNG GIRL to a waiting car. Cut to…_

_As HITLER looks up, we catch a glimpse of a MIDDLE-AGED WHORE in a dressing gown sitting in an upstairs window. She catches sight of HITLER in the motorcade. Baring her sagging breasts, she blows him a kiss. Cut to…

Long shot of motorcade rolling through the almost empty streets of Nuremberg. Fade to…_

*16	EXTERIOR – HOTEL - DAY*

_HITLER'S automobile pulls up outside the HOTEL DEUTSCHER HOF. Glimpse of NAZI EMBLEM hastily affixed over the entrance of the hotel. So hastily, it falls off. Camera moves to the black SS GUARD lined up in front of the hotel. Cut to…
_
*17	EXTERIOR – SS GUARD - DAY*

_Close-up shots. The SS GUARD have NUDE MEN painted on the side of their HELMETS in erotic poses. The SS GUARD are clearly wearing shiny lipstick and eyeliner. Camera moves down to their  BRASS BELT BUCKLES. These show the GERMAN CHICKEN superimposed on a GLANS PENIS. Cut to…
_
_We see their jet-black jackboots all in a row as they do a BUSBY BERKLEY NUMBER. Pan back. The SS GUARD finish their routine by posing with one hand on hip. They raise a LIMP WRIST and POUT into the camera.
_
*SS GUARD*
_(In Unison)_​Hello Sailor!

*18	EXTERIOR – HOTEL - DAY*

_Hitler leaves the automobile with his DEPUTIES, giving the Nazi salute as the BUSBY BERKLEY NUMBER comes to a finale. Cut to…

PEOPLE gathered outside the hotel are shouting: 
_
*PEOPLE*
_(In unison)_​		We want Marlene Dietrich! We want Marlene Dietrich!

_The chants increase in volume. _

*19	EXTERIOR – HOTEL BALCONY - DAY*

_A semi-naked MARTIN BORMANN opens the BALCONY WINDOW. HITLER steps out, delivering Nazi salute to the crowds who fall silent. A lone shout of “Is that Marlene Dietrich?” is heard. Scene dissolves to…
_
*(PART II: NIGHT RALLY AT HITLER'S HOTEL)

20	EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG - NIGHT*

_In the darkness, banners advertising LOWENBRAU BEER flutter to the tune of a Bavarian drinking song as images of FAT, RED FACED, SWEATING GERMANS IN LEDERHOSEN waving BEER MUGS float across the screen. Dissolve to TORCHLIGHT PARADE through a narrow cobbled street. Large shadows on the wall, (reminiscent of “The Third Man”)._

*21	EXTERIOR – HOTEL BALCONY - NIGHT*

_HITLER and his DEPUTIES emerge on the balcony. They’ve clearly been celebrating. Armed with FIRE EXTINGUISHERS, they use these on the torchlight parade below. Then, giggling like schoolgirls, HITLER and his entourage go back in to loud curses from O.C. Dissolve to…_

*(PART III: DAWN)*

*22	EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG - DAY*

_Dawn arrives to a view of Nuremberg's old church in foreground. We hear the sound of the Warner Bros Cartoon theme over soundtrack.

Village in Nuremberg with ancient rooftops, etc. A HAND opens a GABLED WINDOW and empties a PISSPOT onto the cobbled street below. Numerous COMMUNIST FLAGS are flying from most of the houses in the village. These are being replaced with NAZI FLAGS as though the occupants have just realized that a different political party are holding their shindig here.  OLD NUREMBERG CHURCH TOWER. The bell chimes like that of a funeral. The scene is juxtaposed with a MONTAGE EFFECT…	 	_

*23	MONTAGE - DAY	*

_From overhead a TENT CITY OF WORKERS. Sound of trumpet blowing replaces audible sound of bell chimes. A shout, “Cut it out or I’ll ram that thing up your tight little asshole!” 

A HITLER YOUTH with a trumpet stuck up his ass. He cries.

SA MEN rising from their tents,_

_COUGHING,

FARTING,

SCRATCHING THEIR CROTCHES.

Ritualistic scene of the HOMOEROTIC CAMARADERIE that demonstrates “Nazi togetherness.”

HJ BANDLEADER in tent tries to extract trumpet from the HITLER YOUTH’S ass.  The scene fades to…
_
*24	EXTERIOR – “CITY OF TENTS” - DAY*

_HITLER arrives flanked by DR. ROBERT LEY, leader of the German Labor Front (DAF) and a very thin NSDAP OFFICER who walks as though he’s suffering from chronic piles.

HITLER inspects a contingent of DAF WORKERS. He seems fascinated by one man’s crotch. CLOSE UP in which we see that the DAF WORKER is generously endowed. HITLER and LEY make obscene remarks about the man. HITLER asks the man a question (silent) and the DAF WORKER silently replies as he begins to undo his fly buttons.  The music score over the soundtrack is from a popular ribald musical hall song.

HITLER returns to his car with the DAF WORKER. As they pass the other DAF WORKERS pout and give the limp wrist sign. Cut to…_

_We see HITLER in his car. He’s showing the DAF WORKER a large BOCKWURST. The DAF WORKER shakes his head and indicates that his is bigger. HITLER claps his hands with delight. 

Medium shot of GOEBBLES in his automobile. He’s dropped his trousers and he squats to take a shit over the side.
_
*GOEBBLES​*
Look! No constipation here, My Fuhrer!

_Sound of a loud TROMBONE. Fade to…_

*(PART IV: OPENING OF THE VI REICH PARTY CONGRESS)*

_Sounds of FANFARES and DRUMS over soundtrack before the action fades in. The instruments are clearly off key. We fade in on an illuminated shot of the NAZI CHICKEN and SWASTIKA. Dissolve to…
_
*25	EXTERIOR – LUITPOLDHALLE – NIGHT*

_Massed NSDAP PARTY STANDARDS in interior of LUITPOLDHALLE at night. SA MEN holding banners and standards, stand together in the hall.
_
*26	EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT*

_Close on RUDOLF HESS as he approaches the speaker's podium. He’s dressed as a FRENCH MAID with short frilly skirt, black stockings and suspenders. He looks very fetching as he delivers the keynote opening joke:_

*HESS​*
Comrades! Why did the chicken cross the road...?

_Various DIGNITARIES are seen. Members of the Wehrmacht: GENERAL VON BLOMBERG, GRAND ADMIRAL RAEDER, etc. They look puzzled and shrug.
_
*HESS​*Because the Gestapo ordered him to!

_Profile of a GESTAPO MAN wearing his leather coat and hat. He’s laughing so hard the tears are streaming down his face.

We see some FOREIGN STATE REPRESENTATIVES. Prominent are those from  Japan, Italy and  Spain. They laugh and applaud politely._

_Shot of WEHRMACHT GENERALS: VON BLOMBERG and RAEDER of the newly formed Reichskriegsmarine.  They too laugh and applaud politely.

Shot of HITLER seated. Someone is explaining the joke to him. He laughs and slaps his knees.

Shot of HESS  - he’s looking proud._

*HESS​*I thank you, My Fuhrer.

_Dissolve to…

HITLER congratulates HESS as JULIUS STREICHER, Gauleiter of Upper Franconia stands in the background pulling funny faces. Dissolve to…_

*27	BLURRED TITLE  SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS*

*TITLE​*“Excerpts from the Nazi Book of Jokes. Von Wagner, Gauleiter of Bavaria and Chief Stand Up Comedian of the Third Reich speaks…”

_Dissolves out of focus to…_

*28	EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT*

_VON WAGNER standing at the speaker's podium as he reads from the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES._

*VON WAGNER​*Two Bavarian peasants are talking. One of them says, “My dog has no nose.”  The other one says “But how does he smell?” The first peasant replies “Don’t be stupid, Hans. He cannot smell because he has no nose!” 		

_Polite applause is heard as the scene dissolves out of focus…_

*29	BLURRED TITLE SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS *

*TITLE​*“Rosenberg.”

*30	TITLE DISSOLVES OUT OF FOCUS TO… *

“Alfred Rosenberg, Reich Leader of the Foreign Policy Office and Commissioner for Supervision of Ideological Asslicking of the NSDAP speaks…”

_Dissolve to…_

_31	EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT_

ROSENBERG standing at the speaker's podium he reads from the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES.

*ROSENBERG*​
Herr Doctor! Herr Doctor! Have you got anything for wind? Yes, we have the tablets!

_Polite applause as we dissolve out of focus to…_

*32	 BLURRED TITLE SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS*

*TITLE*​
“Todt.”

*33	TITLE DISSOLVES OUT OF FOCUS TO… *

“Fritz Todt, Closet Homosexual and General Inspector for the Reich Autobahn system speaks…”

_Dissolve to…_

*34	EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM – NIGHT*

_TODT standing at the speaker's podium is wearing rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. He ignores the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES.
_
TODT
_I am an engineer – I do not know any jokes! _

To be continued...


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## qwertyman (Jun 23, 2009)

Read it, liked it. Some good gags but the gay-gag becomes a bit repetetive The initial idea is well presented and packaged. 

How long you can keep the lampoon balloon in the air I don't know - there has to be some progress, a new direction (or is this the end?).

I would like to have seen an edge. For instance if the Gestapo were played 'straight' , no limp-wrist and lipstick but blindly following ridiculous orders and recognising genius where there was none; with all their jack-boot menace intact. 

I am sure Frau Bauchmann would not have been content without a spike poking through the canvas.


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## The Backward OX (Jun 24, 2009)

Perhaps only a backward ox could make such an observation, but to my way of thinking if one scrinches up their eyes really tight and imagines really hard, one could almost see this as a story instead of a script. And that is what this site desperately needs more of – stories written like this.

Dream on.


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## The Wrong Writer (Jun 24, 2009)

It is a story quickly converted to script form.  

My suggestion:  learn more about script form.   Lose the bold, lose the scene numbers. Drop the "fade to" and all direction attempts.  

Drop the "talking to us"  "we see" stuff.  Not done.   the "litigation" bit would be funny in a story, but has no place in a script.   

Action lines in scripts are bare-boned,  simple present omniscient.      You're looking for something like "A caricature of Steven Spielberg"   or "A studied resemblance to Spielberg" or whatever.


> 3 DARK SCREEN
> 
> Screen is held for 30 seconds with musical score from the Can Can. Fade in to…
> 
> ...



It is much simpler than that.



> MUSIC OVER:  CanCan
> A Nazi emblem fills the screen, but with a scrawny, pathetic chicken replacing the eagle.



You have absolutely no business talking about holding for seconds.  The director directs the film, and he and others cut it.    And an artist will create the emblem as he sees fit.

These comments assume that you are going to try to submit this as a spec script somewhere, or even put it up for crits on a screenwriting forum where you will just get the same format-picking.

If this is acdtually just a story imitating script format as a device, it would still be better to cut the clutter.

Pretty cool bit.  Hoping for a Mel Brooks revival?


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## qwertyman (Jun 29, 2009)

Wrong writer, I’m no expert on screenplay but as there’s been no response from the OP I’d like a bit of clarification on your comments.



The Wrong Writer said:


> My suggestion: learn more about script form. Lose the bold, lose the scene numbers. Drop the "fade to" and all direction attempts.


 
I agree about the bold and scene numbers but I’ve read a few scripts and “ fade to” and “cut to” seem to be acceptable.




> Drop the "talking to us" "we see" stuff. Not done.


 

Again, “we see” seems ubiquitous. 



> Action lines in scripts are bare-boned, simple present omniscient. You're looking for something like "A caricature of Steven Spielberg" or "A studied resemblance to Spielberg" or whatever.
> It is much simpler than that.
> 
> You have absolutely no business talking about holding for seconds. The director directs the film, and he and others cut it.


I agree simple present omniscient and the Director makes his own decisions about cameras and editing.



> And an artist will create the emblem as he sees fit.


 
To pick up your comment '...as he sees fit' and to extend the point about 'action'. Would you agree that the writer has the right, obligation even, to make it absolutely clear to the reader what the intention and result of the action is and the effect it has on the characters? The director/artist might ignore it and change it but the writer has the right to clearly ‘write in’ his intention and isn't this the recognised practice?.


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