# GoNiG CRaZIe. Part II



## Kathryn Cull (Jan 13, 2011)

:: Part II ::
I awoke again, the pain in my heart pounding with fear of separation still. My room was still dim and my wall still covered in drawings. However, I was in my bed, staring up at my make shift tent over me.
There was a vague memory in my mind of climbing into bed from my collapsed sobbing state in the dark. I had no dream and no recollection of how long I had slept.
_“No Point” _I breathed hopelessly and rolled over in a careless manner. My hand flopped down from under my quilts and hit the cardboard box I used as a side table. My fingers raked blindly through an assortment of empty medication bottles, charcoal, water cups, paint brushes and random pieces of jewelry until at last they touched the cold surface of my iPod.
I picked it up, staring at the screen in a hazy fog that often possessed me when I woke up. Finally I got my bearings and realized what I was doing, and then my face hit the floor again; there was no message from her. That was probably my fault.
I shook it off and dropped my iPod back on the box. Love wasn’t sure at all. But for some reason it was there….
I rolled over to face the wall, squishing my stuffed Cheshire cat hard against my face in an attempt to block out the thoughts.
Even when I was in my happiest state, it seemed this hauntingly notorious stomach ache of anxiety still lingered. It seemed like there was no end. Except when it did end for a shining moment in time, I took a deep breath. But merely _one _breath isn’t enough to sustain anyone.
I dropped the stuffed cat and sat up, slouching against my wall staring down at my paint blackened hands. Then a black line on the inside of my wrist caught my eye again. The seven pointed star. 
A long exaggerated sigh escaped my lungs as I knocked my head on the wall behind me, none too gently. My eyes shut and I drifted into a strange world of half reality and half dream. There, behind my eyelids was the star, thin and sharp, like Celtic symbols I had embroidered on a dress when I was little. My mind was trying to decipher it, almost as if I knew somewhere in me what it meant. Anger was beginning to burn inside me. Why the hell couldn’t I remember it?
My eyes snapped open and my wrist flew to my vision again. I knew it. It all started to rush back into my brain at once, making me feel slightly bombarded and lightheaded. I had seen it before; something to do with a dream a long time ago. I shook my head, it seemed so clear in my mind, but I couldn’t fight through all the images. It was there, I knew it, I just couldn’t see it…
Then it clicked, like the world coming suddenly into vision. I saw it. A shot of excitement burst in my chest as I leapt from my bed. 
There was chiming in my head and a blind smile on my mouth as I stood; charcoal in my hand and suspended an inch over my wall. I paused. Or more like, the world paused. 
It was so clear, yet again. But I couldn’t visualize it. I dropped the charcoal and frowned as I examined my drawings again. Would I ever leave this pain? Or would the pain leave me?
My head banged on the wall as I fell against it in disbelief of myself. ‘Damn it.” The words escaped my mouth subtly so that I was almost taken aback by them.
Suddenly something seized in my chest. My eyes forcedly squeezed shut as I curled against the wall in discomfort. It was in me; like my heart pounding so loud my veins burned and my head throbbed. 
But there, so far beyond my vision was the star with seven points. I focused on it, keeping my eyes shut now. It came closer rather suddenly and I felt myself drop to the floor in a crouch. I stared at it, the sharp image burning against the back of my eye lids. But it was changing now, and I didn’t panic at attempting to capture it. It was dripping a thick red liquid, like paint. I could feel my expression trying to figure it out. But it wasn’t paint. It was blood. The star was…bleeding. 
A sharp burning sensation on my arm forced my eyes open. My jaw dropped as I stared down at my wrist. My star, it was bleeding. Panic took place in my mind and I leapt up faster than I thought physically possible to race to the bathroom. It was almost identical to the image still on my mind. I slammed the door behind and yanked the tap of cold water on. Putting my wrist under the water I flinched at the fierceness of the cold bite, but my eyes couldn’t help but to notice the lack of blood that was apparently there. I pulled on the old rusted tap and dried my wrist frantically with my shirt, to find; nothing. I fell backwards in a sudden manner, my wrist still clamped against my body. No star. No blood. It was all gone. The abnormally pale skin of the inside of my arm was painfully bare.


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## christianncg (Jan 13, 2011)

I like this a lot, personally. makes me think back when i used to cut myself.. other than that, its a wonderful follow up to the original, and shows a lot of true emotion from your heart. i dare not critique something that came from the heart ...  good job though.


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## Kathryn Cull (Jan 13, 2011)

yeahhh
Actually....
Thats how I know what I'm writing...
I've had the same problems....
But! on a lighter note! YES! Thank you. it really is from my heart, This is my exact life. I have a box as a side table, a tent over my bed, drawings on my wall and stuffed cheshire cat. Really when you read this you become in my mind.


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## christianncg (Jan 13, 2011)

your mind is definitely a unique one  And the tent thing sounds cool.


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## Kathryn Cull (Jan 13, 2011)

Yeah, Unique or tortured....I'm not sure anymore.
and the tent is cool and so is my city wall


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## christianncg (Jan 13, 2011)

It depends on how you look at it. im the type of person that doesn't see that kind of stuff, but eh.  prolly just me.


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## InsanityStrickenWriter (Jan 13, 2011)

Lol, I've been depressed plenty in the past as well, in fact I still am but I just don't think about it. Never resulted to cutting myself though, instead I used my depressing times to think of all the _funny and hilarious_ ways that I could somehow die in my own room. After a week of pretty severe depression I eventually snapped out of it and found myself a different guy really. I learnt from it that there is no point in dwelling on things and to simply laugh off the bad things of life. I'm still plagued by a constant headache though  

Anywho, this was a very thought-provoking peice and I enjoyed reading it. As for criticism, I have only a minor one:



> I had no dream when I slept and no recollection of how long I had slept.


You used slept twice in the same sentence. 'I had no dreams and no recollection of how long I had slept' might be better.


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## Kathryn Cull (Jan 14, 2011)

Yeah...Ech, depression...meds dont seem to work.
Duude. This world is harsh. So I wrote this story, completely based off my life. This is my life. completely. Our main character is me.
Anywhooo YES! You're right, I'll go back and correct that. Thanks for critiquing!


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## Kathryn Cull (Jan 14, 2011)

What don't you see?


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## christianncg (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't see the depression and the mindset of things. Just a person, to be honest.


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## Kathryn Cull (Jan 14, 2011)

Ohhh, yeahhh...Its definitely based of depression..But ur lucky if you cant see the depression haha


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## christianncg (Jan 14, 2011)

oh i saw the depression within the story. just i try not to see it within people. ya know?


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## NicoleB (Jan 16, 2011)

I just spent 6 weeks in an inpatient facility being treated for chronic depresh. I know of which you speak. The story is really evocative of how it feels when one is in the deepest of that darkness. Really good work, I didn't read your first part, but I look forward to more.


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