# Honey’s Heart



## Pelwrath (Sep 20, 2018)

​*Honey’s Heart

Petal of heart’s red
caressed by the sun’s fingers.
Opens cloistered grip
on unprocessed honey dust.

Sweet nectar collected in a crop
regurgitated ambrosia  
brim fills ready cells to be sealed.
Wondering, will I be stolen?

Honeyguides valid path to treasured aerie
So you can get the comb
from their pantry,
not the cereal.

Crush or spin, then you filter.
A must for mead.
Can lasts for centuries.
It’s even a medi-honey.


1st revision

**Honey’s Heart
*
Petal of heart’s red
caressed by the sun’s fingers.
Opens cloistered grip
on unprocessed honey dust.

Sweet nectar collected in a crop
regurgitated ambrosia                  
brim filled cells ready to be sealed.
Soon the larder is full.

Golden treasure for hot buttered bread
a lover’s nickname when in bed.
The name of Pooh’s pot
and a very smart badger.

Crush or spin, then filter.
A must for mead.
Can last for centuries.
Sold by or with its own comb.


----------



## jenthepen (Sep 20, 2018)

*Honey’s Heart

Petal of heart’s red
caressed by the sun’s fingers.
Opens cloistered grip
on unprocessed honey dust.

Sweet nectar collected in a crop
regurgitated ambrosia 
brim fills ready cells to be sealed.
Wondering, will I be stolen?  This line takes us out of the atmosphere that you have built and from this point the poem veers into ‘telling’ - it is interesting and informative but just not very poetic. Can you keep the message of these latter lines whilst regaining the immediacy and feeling of the opening stanzas? I’m sure you can. 

Honeyguides valid path to treasured aerie
So you can get the comb
from their pantry,
not the cereal.

Crush or spin, then you filter.
A must for mead.
Can lasts for centuries.
It’s even a medi-honey.*


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 20, 2018)

Jen;
  Thanks so much for your comments. I’ll do my best, yet to me showing is telling, just different. Isn’t a poem just a story in an unusual form? I’m a storyteller, right?

I know what you mean and I’m sure I can do it. I read this to my three children, two are Autism Spectrum.  The oldest isn’t. The two youngest  liked the “tell” the oldest the opening part.
Maybe I need two versions a simple tell and a more complicated show. Maybe you’ve seen their impact on some of my other poems.


----------



## jenthepen (Sep 21, 2018)

That's interesting, Pel. I understand that people on the autism spectrum tend to view the world through a more logic-based lens and your experience of your childrens' reactions seems to bear this out.

For me, poetry is more than telling a story in an unusual from but I respect your right to write in your own way of course. I can certainly tailor my advice to accommodate your unique style. The whole purpose of Poetry Hill is to work together to bring each poet closer to where they want to be with their expression.

You don't need to make changes in order to please me or anyone else. You should write your poems as you want them to be and the way that makes you feel you have expressed what you want to say as closely as possible. In other words, if you are happy I am happy.


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 21, 2018)

Jenn, don’t you dare tailor your comments about my poetry. I just wanted you to know what drives some of my poetry.  I want and need the untailored comments and suggestions to grow and improve as a poet. I appreciate your offer but please continue to point out things like a shift to tell. I didn’t know I had done that.
My reason for mentioning that was the concern about my poetry quality, form, and flow.  Tell vs. Show has been a rather consistent comment about my poetry, like I don’t want or seem to correct/improve on.


----------



## jenthepen (Sep 22, 2018)

No worries, Pel. Maybe you can lessen the frustration of having similar problems pointed out in critiques by trying the method I use with my own work. I let the poem flow and try to write directly 'from the heart' but then I put the poem aside and work on another piece. The next day (or even later if I can force myself not to go back to it  ) I look at it again as though I'm reading another poet's work and with the eye of a critic. It's sometimes amazing how problems or possible improvements stand out when you look with a fresh eye. Also, knowing that 'telling' is something to look out for, you know what you are searching for.

Anyway, I'll do as you ask and critique as I always do and I'll look forward to your next poem.


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 22, 2018)

I try and do the same, sometimes I can others I can't. I just feel the need to get it out.  Not that the poem is finished but the fact I rush to do this sometimes is a concern. Why some poems and not others? I know doing that is a good thing. Is it a lack of discipline, experience or concern?

As fate would have it, I'm working on this one now.


----------



## jenthepen (Sep 22, 2018)

lol We all know _that_ feeling! Who doesn't want to show off a new baby? I guess it is lack of discipline but we all struggle with it.


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 22, 2018)

Revision is up.


----------



## jenthepen (Sep 22, 2018)

The new version has much more power! Only the final two lines seem slightly bland. If you could come up with a killer last line to make the poem linger in the reader's mind I think you will have cracked this one. :applouse:


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 22, 2018)

Okay, but taking a break from having the time for several hours of uninterrupted writing.  Thanks so much for the comments, direction and faith.


----------



## calbab (Sep 23, 2018)

"a lover’s nickname when in bed."

This line is very interesting to me, because it adds something detached from the rest. In my opinion, its poetic and after reading it I get the sense of how honey is processed.


----------



## Darren White (Sep 23, 2018)

Pel,
I am autistic myself (Asperger's Syndrome, but I prefer the simple descriptor 'autistic')

I think that, unless you write specifically for a certain audience, you should not pay attention to how your poem will be received or read. You should write for you alone, and work in that very 'selfish' way to improve your poetry. Not because how others wish to read it, but how YOU like it. And therefore you only use the improvements suggested by others that you think you can use. And you discard the rest.


----------



## Pelwrath (Sep 24, 2018)

Darren;

  What wonderful advice but this poem and maybe some of my others might have been trying to do/ appeal to different audiences, so i'm writing poems within poems and though that can be done, it's not done how I was doing it. A single poem can have only one direction and still appeal to multiple groups of readers. 
I've never set out to write a poem for all my children, I just asked them to tell me what they liked about the poem.  That's why I changed it. If the whole poem isn't understood by some of my children, then where did I go wrong as it's creator?


----------



## Darren White (Sep 24, 2018)

Pel,

I think that many of us misunderstand the concept of 'understanding' the poem.

It is difficult to explain, but if you take a closer look at one of my poems, you will see that they are usually written in easy to understand language, but that the deeper meaning of the poem is hidden. That is what I mean. 

It's not about writing so that people understand what you are on about. But about making sure your poem ticks the right boxes: grammar, spelling, and an airtight technical construction. How people INTERPRET is not in your hands, and shouldn't be. 

Be happy if people read it different from what you intended. That happens to me all the time and is a good thing. As soon as it is out there, it isn't yours anymore, but the readers. And you can never make everyone happy for 100% and that shouldn't be your aim either.


----------

