# The Tiny Door



## MamaStrong (Mar 4, 2015)

I was playing around on Pinterest and came across a writing prompt. It was a photo of a tiny door. So, I decided to play with it. It could very well turn into a full blown novel. 


Writing Prompt Exercise.

*
The Tiny Door*

Written by: Sarah Dale


As Amy walked into her newly purchased town home located just outside the Atlanta city limits, she turned her head curiously. Having been in the home a number of times now, unpacking the small U haul truck parked outside, she finally stopped and gazed around the light yellow entry way. The voices stopped suddenly as if they knew the owner had heard them.


Amy moved further into the house towards the sounds she previously heard and found herself in the over sized chef's kitchen that had caused her to purchase the home to begin with. Walking over to the food pantry, she slid open the barn like door and peeked inside. It was currently bare with the exception of a few canned goods left by the previous owners. Seeing a flitting image as she was turning to leave, she decided to walk  further into the room and noticed a tiny white door. At first she thought it was a cute door over a mouse hole, like you would see in the movies but then she noticed the button beside it. A doorbell?


"How precious" she whispered as she begun to reach her index finger towards the illuminated button. Before she could push it she heard the chilling, gentle voice say,


"Don't touch that unless you are ready".


----------



## PatriciaLoupee (Mar 4, 2015)

Well, try to make a short story first: a reader in me you already have. :biggrin:

I can't talk much about grammar, since I'm not a native English speaker, but story structure seems flawless to me.


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 4, 2015)

Yeah, Grammar isn't my strong suit. If that's the only thing anyone can correct then I'm OK.  I've never written a short story. Will need to look into it. Will post though once I get it done for sure. Thanks for the feedback!


----------



## inkwellness (Mar 5, 2015)

This was a pleasant thing to have along with my morning coffee. The idea is brilliant and I can see that you can take this in a multitude of directions. I'm curious to see what will happen next. This is definitely something worth building on. I have a suggestion to help improve grammar. The original line was:


> "How precious" she whispered as she begun to reach her index finger towards the illuminated button.


The change is: "How precious", she whispered as she reached her index finger toward the illuminated button.


----------



## SirJohnnyBoy (Mar 5, 2015)

(I'm not the best when it comes to critiquing one's work, but I suppose I should try my hand at. I apologize for any bluntness, I mean none of it)

I have a suggestion that reminds me of my writing once... Cut the words, Decided, Finally, Begun. The words can't flow written that way. I couldn't for the life of me explain why, but that's what I've heard, and that forced me to focus on how I wrote. It did a whole bunch of good.

Also, adding detail to the tiny door, showing us what it looks like would evoke a sense of mystery. I didn't understand when you meant, "Like you would see in the movies". 


Other than that, I really wanna know what's in that tiny door!


----------



## Toot Sweets (Mar 5, 2015)

It's hard to make suggestions when there is so little written, but from what I read above, I'd say this story has great potential because it creates a strong hook for the reader to become interested. Keep working on it Sarah, I think you could have a very cool story here.


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 5, 2015)

Thank you everyone. Every writing prompt I've done gives you an intense 5 minute limit. It's meant to test your limits and creativity and enhance the excitement of a piece. That's the reason it's so short. I appreciate the tips and cannot wait to see what else I can do with it.


----------



## BurntMason84 (Mar 5, 2015)

Not really any constructive info to give, as I'm about in the same boat as you with grammar (not my strongest point either).  Just thought it was awesome and wanted to hear more!  Who does the voice belong too, what does she need to be ready for, why did the previous tenants leave canned goods behind in such a poor economy (no, just kidding with that)?  In all seriousness, I truly cannot wait to read more if you do post it.  It totally caught my attention!


----------



## Joyce (Mar 5, 2015)

Hooked on the little door, it sends the imagination soaring. I was an English Major but my grammar is awful. I have a friend who likes to "fix" my grammar and that helps. Maybe the canned goods were left for who ever/ what ever is behind the little door. Hope you continue posting.


----------



## Mckk (Mar 6, 2015)

I've added my comments in blue within your text. All in all I feel there's much you can expand on and while the story structure seems logical enough, your sentences could be improved - in terms of content, what you describe, the length of sentences, etc. Pacing is off - I feel you dwell on things that are unimportant but gloss over the really interesting parts. I realise this is just a 5min exercise from a writing prompt so this is likely not your best, polished writing - but since you posted for critique, I treat it as if it _is_ your polished work. Again, as with writing, feel free to disagree - mine is just one of many opinions.


As Amy walked into her newly purchased town home located just outside the Atlanta city limits, she turned her head curiously.

I'm not sure what you mean by "curiously" - how do you turn your head curiously? I feel this is a bad adverb because right now, it honestly sounds more like she's turning her head in an odd, strange way, as opposed to turning her head _out of curiosity_. Never mind that "curiously" can of course mean both - what matters is how the reader right away perceives it. It's also one of those occasions when you can actually delve further into her body language, be a lot more expressive with your writing than you have. I'm not one of those people who say never use an adverb - they certainly have their place - but in this instance, the adverb is extremely weak. I'd rather expand and ditch the adverb.

Having been in the home a number of times now, unpacking the small U haul truck parked outside, she finally stopped and gazed around the light yellow entry way. The voices stopped suddenly as if they knew the owner had heard them.

I don't understand how "having been in the home" and "in the midst of unpacking" are related to her "finally stop[ping]" to look at her surroundings. And just what is she doing then? If she's unpacking, how can she be "gazing", which implies a prolonged stare? You cannot do both simultaneously, or at least not do so without awkwardness. Most would stop unpacking and then stare, not stare whilst unpacking. But the continuous form of the verb "unpack" implies the action is simultaneous. I'm still not sure why this is related to her having been inside the house. Why is that in the same sentence?

"The voices stopped suddenly" is jarring - because the fact that there _are_ voices at all is a rather sudden revelation to the reader. There's no foreshadowing or hint - it's just suddenly there. I feel though if the rest of it is polished up, the sudden mention of the voices stopping _could_ work well. As it stands currently, it's a bit odd.

Amy moved further into the house

But she was unpacking the truck that's been parked _outside_. When did she end up inside the house instead?

towards the sounds she previously heard and found herself in the over sized chef's kitchen that had caused her to purchase the home to begin with. Walking over to the food pantry, she slid open the barn like door and peeked inside.

You need a hyphen: barn-like, and oversized is one word.

It was currently bare with the exception of a few canned goods left by the previous owners. Seeing a flitting image as she was turning to leave,

"Seeing a flitting image as she was turning to leave" is extremely weak. The flitting image is a curious thing - don't lump that in with "as she was turning to leave" and "she decided". Give your writing some space, little pauses for the reader to dwell on. What exactly did she see? This is your chance to really make what matters come alive. I don't care about the oversized kitchen or the U haul truck. I care about what she saw. Shorten your sentences here for more impact.

she decided to walk further into the room and noticed a tiny white door. At first she thought it was a cute door over a mouse hole,

I think you'd benefit from just two or three words describing the door in a little more detail. This door is interesting - it's the very point of the passage. Dwell on it. Don't rush through it. Also, when you say "tiny door" - how tiny? You see, my first image was not one as small as a mouse hole. I really like the idea of a door over a mouse hole - it's quaint, it's cute, and I can see it well. But a little bit of preamble would serve to ease the reader in and give a more vivid image.

like you would see in the movies but then she noticed the button beside it. A doorbell?

My opinion would be to replace "movies" with "fairytales" or perhaps be even more specific if you're able - can you think of any famous children's tales that would evoke a vivid image of a mouse door? Simply because "movies" is extremely broad - again, being more specific would serve you well. Whereas "fairytales" would imply something more that "movies" does not. Movies can be grand or epic or full of action and drama - it doesn't necessarily make me think of cute pretty little things. But "fairytales" does, because it is very specific - it is about children and dreams and princess and talking animals, and as such, also home sweet home signs and little mouse holes complete with sweet little mice families in aprons sniffing at cheese. Word choice here is important - you can evoke much more by using the right word without ever needing to describe it in full.

"How precious" she whispered as she begun to reach her index finger towards the illuminated button. Before she could push it she heard the chilling, gentle voice say,

"Don't touch that unless you are ready".

Punctuation here is poor - first of all, everything inside the speech marks needs to be finished off with some punctuation, and punctuation resides _inside_ the speech marks (someone earlier in the thread suggested you put a comma _outside_ the speech marks - don't listen to that poster lol. It's wrong. Commas are only outside when it's a quote and that's the British way of punctuating in any case, not American, and either way does not apply here in fiction).

So, it should look like this:

"How precious," she whispered.
"Don't touch that unless you are ready."

Edited to add: You say "the" chilling, gentle voice. But this voice hasn't been mentioned before. "Voices" were mentioned just once previously but that's many voices, not _one particular_ voice, which "the" would imply that it is. As such, this is actually a grammatical error and should be replaced with "a". As in: "a chilling, gentle voice".


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 6, 2015)

Thank you for your response Mckk. I of course now feel like the entire piece is crap, but I will take your notes and if I should continue with the story will be sure to consider them completely when I do. Thank you again. I've learned a lot and greatly appreciate the time you took to comment on this.


----------



## Toot Sweets (Mar 6, 2015)

MamaStrong said:


> I of course now feel like the entire piece is crap



Don't feel this way, your piece isn't crap. Everyone has room to improve on their spelling/grammar and general writing skills, even published authors. While you may have some mistakes present in your posted work, the idea you set forth here is invaluable and can be improved upon from a good idea to a great short story or maybe even a novel.

Out of all of the important virtues and skills possessed by successful writers, perhaps the most important are creativity, belief in one's ideas and persistence to see those ideas through to the light of day. With a bit of practice and patience everything else will come in time. Don't give up on yourself or your ideas.


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 6, 2015)

Thank you. When I said that it was intended with a LOL behind it, but wasn't sure how professional LOL sounded. . I do greatly appreciate the feedback. I have 2 novels that I need to edit and another novel to write (the idea is poking me in the head), before I can branch out on this one. Patience like you said will be the key word here.


----------



## Merchen (Mar 6, 2015)

Oh my gosh. I want to read more already! I love how it ends. It ended with me gasping along with Amy. Please forgive me for not saying too much constructive thought other than I enjoyed it. Though It seemed for me, even though it was tiny, it took a bit to get to the end. Seemed like there was a bit of a redundancy in the beginning, but I am sure would be worked out with more time writing it.  I loved it though! It makes my fairy tale loving heart happy!


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 6, 2015)

Merchen said:


> Oh my gosh. I want to read more already! I love how it ends. It ended with me gasping along with Amy. Please forgive me for not saying too much constructive thought other than I enjoyed it. Though It seemed for me, even though it was tiny, it took a bit to get to the end. Seemed like there was a bit of a redundancy in the beginning, but I am sure would be worked out with more time writing it.  I loved it though! It makes my fairy tale loving heart happy!



Thank you. I actually felt the same way after rereading it a few times. That it took forever to get to the point. I've never written fairy tale type of Fiction. Most of my stuff is real life, this probably happened to someone I've never met mixed with parts of my history, type of writing. I'm excited to branch out on something new and to see where it can lead. Of course, make it exciting without it being too much, _Indian in the Cupboard _ or, _The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe._


----------



## Merchen (Mar 6, 2015)

There is nothing wrong at all with adding a little magic realism. I am a huge fan of Charles De Lint's "The Little Country", while it isn't like that book, it had that same, magic in unlikely places. Which is something I love reading!


----------



## Ideduce (Mar 9, 2015)

I sat back reading this wondering what the point was until that last sentence. I went back and had to reread everything wondering if there was something I missed prior to it. I'm use to seeing something grab my attention in the first sentence not the last. I think this questions how I view things. I wonder how long you'll make this. I also feel a little disconnected with the character. Why is she there, can she afford it, is the place owned by someone else and paying her rent? What's her background, her story, how she got there, why she's there. She's hungry and exploration. You've made me curious, but again I can't get over that I got reeled into the whole premise based on the last sentience. Part of me thinks it's a cheap trick but at the same time it's also brilliant.
I could see this being a great prompt but I'm not sure I can see it as a story being told. I guess I need more to go on. I'm also a little curious on the era this takes place.


----------



## MamaStrong (Mar 9, 2015)

Ideduce said:


> I sat back reading this wondering what the point was until that last sentence. I went back and had to reread everything wondering if there was something I missed prior to it. I'm use to seeing something grab my attention in the first sentence not the last. I think this questions how I view things. I wonder how long you'll make this. I also feel a little disconnected with the character. Why is she there, can she afford it, is the place owned by someone else and paying her rent? What's her background, her story, how she got there, why she's there. She's hungry and exploration. You've made me curious, but again I can't get over that I got reeled into the whole premise based on the last sentience. Part of me thinks it's a cheap trick but at the same time it's also brilliant.
> I could see this being a great prompt but I'm not sure I can see it as a story being told. I guess I need more to go on. I'm also a little curious on the era this takes place.



Great points! I plan to start working on this story within the next month. This was just something I found on pinterest and decided to go with it. Most writing prompts I've done have a 5 minute limit. I have one posted on my blog as well...my first post actually I believe. So this is what I got with 5 minutes. I am so glad I shared it as the responses and questions have really set my mind and imagination going. Thank you for your feedback! 

Here's the link to the pinterest prompt....it's a photo. 
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/560909328566573421/


----------



## scd250 (Mar 10, 2015)

As Amy walked into her newly purchased town home located just outside the Atlanta city limits, she turned her head curiously. Having been in the home a number of times now, unpacking the small U haul truck parked outside, she finally stopped and gazed around the light yellow entry way. The voices stopped suddenly as if they knew the owner had heard them. *I don't like the second sentence at all. It feels cumbersome and could be be broken down into several sentences. It strikes me as a run-on sentence even though it isn't one. Entryway should be one word.*


Amy moved further into the house towards the sounds she previously heard and found herself in the over sized chef's kitchen that had caused her to purchase the home to begin with. Walking over to the food pantry, she slid open the barn like door and peeked inside. It was currently bare with the exception of a few canned goods left by the previous owners. Seeing a flitting image as she was turning to leave, she decided to walk further into the room and noticed a tiny white door. At first she thought it was a cute door over a mouse hole, like you would see in the movies but then she noticed the button beside it. A doorbell? *Oversized is one word. That sentence is also very very long. Second sentence has passive voice--it sound sound better if she walked over to the food pantry, slid open the barnlike door, and peeked inside. Same thing with 'seeing a flitting image'. *


"How precious" she whispered as she begun to reach her index finger towards the illuminated button. Before she could push it she heard the chilling, gentle voice say,
*Oooh.*

"Don't touch that unless you are ready".
*I'm mad it stopped.

Summary: this is actually pretty great. I'm interested in the premise and you have a great idea. Is it a mouse in there? A monster? I don't know and I want to!

Your phrasing and pacing needs work. You use a lot of passive voice and words should be rearranged to be active voice if possible. Your sentences are also really long.

You do have a good grasp on imagery though and I have a clear idea of what kind of house she's in and why. I like the idea!
*


----------



## MHarding53 (Mar 10, 2015)

I have read this for the first time and then sped through the comments. The only things that caught my attention were these.
"... she turned her head curiously." My first flash was, is she turning her head in a way most people do not, or has she turned her head with curiosity?

"The voices stopped..."
What voices?

I love the whole idea of this little door and after seeing the picture I am over flowing with curiosity. For a five minute exercise that has tremendous potential. I would hope you are going to expand on this and give us all another tidbit or two.


----------

