# Disconnected



## lmc71775 (Jul 25, 2011)

Chapter One  

_I hate her to be honest.

All she does is trash talk me. There isn’t a second that goes by that she doesn’t notice my mistakes. Dwelling on it constantly, she chants ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘you’re so stupid.’ Even when she’s not around, I still hear her. I can’t get her out of my mind.  She needs to go. 

 I don’t even know why I care about Amelia Norris. She’s just a low-life loser, but one of the smartest seniors in school, if that even really matters.  The only friend I have is Beth Jennings.  But not even Beth knows that Amelia’s constantly tormenting me._

_Lately, Amelia’s been saying things behind my back—making rumors that I’ve slept with a few guys already, all just to catch the attention of one guy—Matt Barns.  She wants to destroy me any way she knows how.  She’s trying in vain to get noticed.  Too hard if you ask me.  Matt’s the captain of the Coyotes Hockey Team and extremely attractive, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He’s tall and lean and built and beautiful to look at. Everyone at Harper Valley High has a crush on him. Everyone except me. Amelia can’t seem to get him out of her mind though.  Why does she bother me so much?_

I put the pen down and stretch out my back as I sit here at my desk, wondering why I spend so much time thinking about Amelia.  At this point, I might as well be invisible.  My days have become a blur, not remembering much of my past.

It’s the weekend and a cool day in March as leftover snow starts to melt.  Already the day seems lost in the abyss of my worries.  Will she bother me again today?  Bully me like she always does?  I can’t help but obsess over her.

As I sit here, writing in my journal about Amelia, I try to figure out ways to end the problem, continuing to jot down some notes.

_She can’t stand it when I eat too much. She thinks I’ll gain weight. She hates my long black wavy hair. She thinks it’s too thick and that I should straighten it every day. She laughs about my acne problem and yells at me for picking them sometimes. She even called me a “pathetic loser” once. That really hurt, and sunk in. Am I really a loser? Maybe she’s right.  Whatever the case, I am starting to lose it with her. I can’t stand it. I want to hurt her back and make her suffer. I want her dead._

After staring at the last few words in my journal, I close the book and head downstairs. I can’t believe I wrote that. After thinking about it for so long, I finally put the words down on paper. For some odd reason, I start to feel better, even though it was a dreadful thing to say about a person. But it’s true, or it had become true in my mind.  I’ve been wanting Amelia out of my life for as long as I can remember.   I can’t think of any other way.

I step inside the bathroom to wash up before dinner. My mind races as to the possible ways I can off her. Push her off a cliff? No, that wouldn’t work. We live in Chicago and there aren’t any cliffs around here. Maybe a bridge? God, I am condemned for even thinking this.

Before I’m done, I take one hard look in the mirror and hear her again. The chanting has gotten worse. All the mean things she has said to me in the past have now piled upon me. I want to retaliate. I have tried to ignore her— and told her to leave me alone, but she just digs in even deeper.

I head to the kitchen and take a seat at the table as my grandfather hands me a plate of spaghetti.  I remind myself of what Amelia said last, “don’t eat too much or you’re gonna get fat and then no one, not even me will want you.” So instead of gorging into the sinful taste of Italian, I pick at it and play with it, twirling it around my fork over and over again, until my grandfather snaps at me. 

“Amelia, don’t play with your food!” Grandpa George says firmly.

The very name burns within me like a lit cigarette.  It almost hurts physically to the point I want to throw up.  “Don’t call me that!” I bark out and can’t believe it either.  It was Amelia’s mean reaction, not mine.  “Milly, it’s just Milly,” I say in a softer tone.

“You can have all the nicknames in the world, I still want you to eat your food, Amelia.  
And yes, that’s what I’m going to continue calling you, since that’s what your mom and pop gave you,” Grandpa George barks back.  Even though he’s seventy-five and shriveled up like a grey raison, he still remains strict and a feisty person.  You wouldn’t even think it looking at him with a question mark spine as his bony hands cling to his cane. 

“But they’re dead and gone.”  Just listening to Amelia talk was sickening enough.  I could feel her words bubble up inside my brain as if she was underwater gasping for air.  I hate everything about her, voice included.  And I hate the way she treats my Grandpa George too.  But she can’t seem to help it.  And I can’t seem to stop her either.  Amelia always has the first word—and the last.

“It’s such a shame you speak to me that way, Amelia.  Your mom and pop’s probably rollin’ in their graves right about now.  How can you be so disrespectful?”

My heart drops like a descending elevator when I see the look on my grandfather’s saddened face.  He looks at the ground as if he’s lost something—me.  And it’s my fault too.  I can’t control her anymore.

“Look, I’m sorry I said that.  I know you’re tryin’ Grandpa.  But if you’re gonna try your hardest, just stick with calling me Milly.”

“Well, you’re gonna hafta earn your respect first, young lady.  That’s how it works in this house.”

“Okay Grandpa, so may I be excused?”  I say politely.

“You know, I don’t get you youngsters these days, one day you’re all snippity snappity and the next you’re as sweet as cherry pie.”

“So can I?”

“Okay, I suppose, but bring your plate with ya.  Don’t want you starving to death, okay?”

“Got it.”

I get up and excuse myself from the table, taking my plate along with.  Once I get upstairs and run back into the bathroom, I flush it down the toilet.  “See?”  I look in the mirror, staring straight into Amelia’s blackened eyes.  “God forbid I’d eat that, you’d kill me, wouldn’t you?”

I continue to stare her down as if Amelia would jump out from the opposite side of the mirror and choke me.  

Yet nothing.  

Nothing until her lips move. 

“I dare you Milly Norris, I dare you to try it.”


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## Nick (Jul 25, 2011)

You've achieved something good here: I didn't suspect that she was Amelia at all. When the Grandfather told us, I wanted to go back to read any hints. A surprise like that is satisfying enough, and the fairly simplistic writing - like being in Milly's head - meant that we were left to assume a lot rather than have it fed to us in large descriptions.

I'm wondering why you chose it to be in Children's story. Is there a message here you want to convey to young people? Are you trying to introduce large ideas like multiple personalities to the young adult audience?

The dialogue of the grandfather was a bit of a stereotype, but it was't a distraction for me and it was nice that you made a clear distinction between the dialect of Milly and her Grandpfather.

I liked this, and I don't think you should do any more with it (if you were thinking of doing that). You could expand it a little, but keep it within the boundaries of what you've given - it's best short and sweet.

Good job, lmc.


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## lmc71775 (Jul 25, 2011)

Thanks Nick.  This YA novel I have here ends at 35K words.  I was looking to embelish it yes.  Perhaps add in another sub-plot to chunk up my story.  It may just be okay as is, for it is a completed novel.  My agent is pitching my other YA novel and I am hoping and praying she will want to represent this one too.  I'm kind of afraid about the concept story idea, which brings me to your questions.  It's quite dark and edgy for a YA audience.  This MC definitely deals with a mental illness, yes Mult.Pers. Disorder.  But the story unfolds far deeper then that and touches upon some really difficult subjects.  I wasn't writing it thinking to convey a message.  I was just hoping for understanding and awareness to mental disorders in the YA age bracket.  Nowadays there is so much of it out there, yet so many people just don't understand fully how it is to have such a disease.  Manic-depressive here, so this MC is very close to my heart.

The other novel my agent has, has some elements of mental illness (the MC's mother for instance) But that's a sub-plot.  And I had a sex scene in which I was told by my agent to remove.  So I am thinking she might have a problem with this touchy subject.  I was just preparing myself to make it the best for her before she sees it.  Thanks for the thoughtful crit.


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## Nick (Jul 25, 2011)

It's a difficult subject, but writers have been pushing the boundaries of exposure to young people in literature - I remember a younger cousin of mine telling me about a book series aimed at young adults that's immensely popular in the UK and regularly includes sexual scenes and discussions. Something as important as the truth of mental illnesses is definitely worth introducing to the age-group, but it means you'll have to do a lot of research. I'm sure you know, but you can't assume what it will be like to have MPD.

This could be a good discussion to start in the 'Writing Discussion' forum.


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## lmc71775 (Jul 25, 2011)

Good idea, thanks for stopping by again.


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## Giantlobsterrobot (Oct 20, 2011)

I know that it's the beginning of the story, so some questions may be answered down the road.  Does Amelia's grandpa know she suffers from MPD?  I didn't catch that until Nick had mentioned it.  I just thought she didn't like herself.  I really didn't see that it was taken to the point where she _actually_ believed that Amelia was completely different.  I spotted two punctuation errors, but I scanned your piece a few more times to find them and failed.  Maybe I was hallucinating missing commas or something.  It wouldn't hurt to run through and see if you spot them.  I am personally not a fan of books with such a serious situation.  You presented it well.  At first, it seemed like the typical YA situation where a girl is being mean to another girl, and she can't take it anymore.  It briefly lost me for that moment, and the scene with her grandpa made her a little less appealing.  The dead parent thing seemed a bit usual too. 
HOWEVER, once you threw in that twist of your main character being Amelia Norris, it made me fear that there will be a suicide attempt or other eradication of the self she hates.  It also made the first issue I had, not an issue.  You caught my interest to the point where if more was on the page, I'd read it.  I don't know how much longer, since it seems to be getting too dark for my tastes, but it's an interesting situation.  
The _VERY_ first thing I thought about your protagonist by the end of the second paragraph was that she was a jock being tormented by a nerd-type.  I was expecting a switcheroo thing happening.
I hope to have helped in some way.


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## River (Nov 16, 2011)

Good hook.


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## Bloggsworth (Nov 16, 2011)

Dump the _"...to be honest" _A) It implies that honesty is not your normal position, and B) it qualifies your hate and weakens the opening.


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## Italy (Dec 15, 2011)

I loved the piece. Very interesting and realistic, it addresses the issues many teens have with themselves. It's sad, yes, but I find myself strangely drawn to such depressing things. I can't wait for chapter two.


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## IgorS (Dec 28, 2011)

Good piece for teens.


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## Cesar (Jan 25, 2012)

I would love to read the whole story. I constantly look for these types of stories, it's how I ended up reading several fiction YA novels about Self-Injury, eating disorders, etc. 

Good work.


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## stellar (Mar 5, 2012)

It's a cool piece. Very twilight zone meets sweet valley high.


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## iykewifey (Mar 20, 2012)

Nice piece!

looking forward to chapter 2.


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## Neverland (Jul 16, 2012)

hi, im new to the site and this was the first piece i read. It grabbed me from the very start, i think young people dont know enough about mental problems, and i feel reading is a very personal experience as every person percieves stories in a different way. You should persevere with this as it could really help some people become more aware and... less judgemental about the stigma attached to mental illnesses. Really catchy start!


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## Primrose (Jul 21, 2012)

The voice and pacing of this was really nice. I'm not sure how I feel just yet about opening with the journal entries, but it's very clever. I can't wait to see where this goes.


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