# Scores: December 2022 (1 Viewer)



## Harper J. Cole (Jan 4, 2023)

It's the last contest of 2022! Who won, I wonder...?


TitleLadySerpentineKegan ThompsonVrangerS J WardAverageThe Gospel of Judas by rcallaci15.513.51315.514.38The Universe Unfolds by Louanne Learning18.516.51916.517.63*3*Untitled by Arsenex16.518.5191717.75*2*Fimbulwinter by Cyberwar16.516.75171516.31Time to Let Her Go by Lawless181515.51616.13A Shot at Time by SJ Ward1716.2517.5JudgeJudgeShrouded in Void by Axe15.516.751816.516.69Gift of Blight by NajaNoir18.519.518.51618.13*1*

Behold the winners' podium...

1st: Gift of Blight _by NajaNoir_
2nd: Untitled _by Arsenex_
3rd: The Universe Unfolds _by Louanne Learning_

We're grateful to our quartet of devoted judges; their comments follow...



Spoiler: LadySerpentine's scores



*The Gospel of Judas, Rcallici: 15.5*

SPaG: 3
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 4.5
Reaction: 4.5

This was a very interesting twist on the story of Judas.
Had to ding a couple SPaG points for several missing commas: "These turned a few heads <*comma*> especially the necromancy." "Up until that point <*comma*> he was just a rabbi..." "In essence <*comma*> Satan would become the spiritual leader..."
I also felt that a colon would have been a more effective punctuation after "I came up with the wrong plan."
T&V wavered for me, as a couple phrases stood out as rather anachronistic. Namely: "turned a few heads," "riled them up," and "They went ballistic." Otherwise, I felt you did a good job mimicking a biblical tone.
Definitely a creative and certainly heartbreaking perspective of Judas's side of the story. I was rather amused by the implications of this story. 


*The Universe Unfolds, Louanne Learning: 18.5*

SPaG: 5
T&V: 4
Eval: 5
Reaction: 4.5

Beautiful story about a woman finding peace in between life and death. SPaG was very well done: no noticeable errors, though it did feel a bit em-dash-heavy towards the end. Not enough to merit docking a point, but it was a little choppy to read.
T&V was mostly lovely, but there were a few wavering areas. Your descriptions started out detailed and evocative, making me feel as if I was the one at peace in between universes. But then the bouts of back-and-forth dialog with almost nothing to break it up detracted from the serenity created in the descriptive paragraphs. I suppose this can largely be ascribed to the word limit.
This was a lovely interpretation of the prompt, and your writing certainly does the story justice. I felt that the hummingbirds might have represented the narrator's family, and she chose to go back and be with them. But the concept felt abstract and open to interpretation, which made me appreciate it all the more.


*Untitled, Arsenex: 16.5*

SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4
Reaction: 3.5

Love a good science fiction/extraterrestrial story. The piece had a very distinct voice- first person was a great choice here. I didn't see fit to dock any SPaG points just because your narrator had an affinity for fragments and run-on sentences; to me that just added to the voice. I did dock for one tense issue though: "I checked my rifle, loaded and ready, but I <*dared*> not make a move." I also noted that your use of italics was very effective in the first half of the piece, so I strongly felt their absence here: "Through the scope I could see... they had my buck, <*my*> trophy, <*my*> prize!"
Your piece has some great synchronicity: the narrator starts as the hunter and finishes feeling like the hunted. The towering growth begins as a kingdom and ends as a prison. For me, the one thing that was missing was your narrator getting in on the action; he was essentially just a spectator in his own story! Still, this certainly qualifies as one very long night.   


*Fimbulwinter, CyberWar: 16.5*

SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 5
Eval: 4
Reaction: 3

Quite a chilling-- both literally and metaphorically-- depiction of the Ragnarok. The father/son POV was a very effective lens to tell the grim and somewhat gritty story.
SPaG was very good for the most part. I noted a missing "the" in: "Skjalli states after soaking up the heat of <*the*> fire for a while." And a rogue comma that should have been a period: "I agree, chasing away such foul thoughts<*period*>"
The characterization was very well done- Skjalli's youthful innocence and optimism being the only thing keeping his father from losing the last of his humanity... it made for a very heart-felt read. I would have liked to see more of a conclusion for these two, even though I fear their end may not be a happy one.


*Time to Let Her Go, Anonymous: 18*

SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 4
Eval: 4.5
Reaction: 5

You took a risk switching the narration right in the middle, and for me it really paid off. I spent the first scene wondering why Marius was cutting ties with Anneke, and feeling her heartbreak when he (seemingly) callously walked away. Having the detectives reveal the truth behind Marius's decision was utterly satisfying, although their dialog felt a little rushed and exposition-heavy (word count, I must assume).
I also thought that you made brilliant use of the title to confirm that this is, in fact, a bittersweet love story. I only found one SPaG issue with an improperly placed quotation mark: "There is no more 'usual', Anneke." The comma should go inside the quotation. I did find the colon after "Almost trembling, she asked:" a bit unusual. Not necessarily wrong, but a comma would probably do the trick and draw less attention. The prompt wasn't mentioned directly, but I certainly felt the implication with the weight of Marius's decision.


*A Shot at Time, SJ Ward: 17*

SPaG: 4
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4
Reaction: 4.5

Definitely an interesting premise. I mean, who hasn't daydreamed about the possibility of going back in time to change something in the past?
I was initially concerned with the apostrophe in the word _app'_. I've never seen it spelled that way. But, as this is clearly sometime in the future and that's a word which is likely to change, no harm no foul. I did note a rogue em-dash here: "I can't get the feeling out of my head that this guy is really a salesman<*--*> playing at being a doctor." And a couple missing commas: "I awake one morning, swing the bed-sheets back<*comma*> and get out of bed. Just like on any other day, I shit, shower and shave, dress<*comma*> and leave for work."
The end of the story played out very well. The casual awakening into a "normal" day followed by the long-awaited reveal of the past Christmas in question. I thought it was an excellent choice to only show the (near) incident through "narrator 2.0's" memory.


*Shrouded in Void, Axe: 15.5*

SPaG: 5
T&V: 3
Eval: 4.5
Reaction: 3

Great set-up: from your first few sentences, I immediately know to be worried for Johnny. SPaG was very well done- didn't catch any errors! 
I think for a story like this, where we are essentially trapped in a void with nothing but Johnny and his thoughts, third-person felt a little distant. First-person may have given us a more intimate insight into the piece.
I would have liked to understand more about Johnny's character- why he wanted to go out exploring alone, even knowing the huge risk. Without any real dialogue, it was difficult to get a sense of his characterization.
I did like the ending (I always like happy endings ), and thought that this certainly nailed the prompt right on the head!


*Gift of Blight, NajaNoir: 18.5*

SPaG: 3.5
T&V: 5
Eval: 5
Reaction: 5

This was stunningly imaginative, and tied in perfectly with the holiday season! Very creepy and enjoyable story, with the only real flaws coming from several impertinent commas that should probably have been periods, conjunctions, or semicolons. Just to note a couple examples: "While moving through the clouds of dust<*comma*> something crunched under his feet<*period*> Instantly he stepped back..." "Few things remained living<*semicolon*> he hated causing any harm..."
The description of the mysterious stranger was fantastic- I could picture him perfectly. And I absolutely loved his rhyme.
Brilliant ending, and kudos for the surprise twist- I was not expecting that at all when I first read the crunch! I must say, this one haunted my mind quite a bit....





Spoiler: Kegan Thompson's scores



Rcallaci, The Gospel of Judas​
SPaG:5
T&V:3.5
Evaluation:3.5
Reaction: 1.5
13.5

I always try to put any personal beliefs, whether that be religious, political, etc., when judging on the back burner (and in the forum in general) but honestly, I didn’t like the content. Even if it was all in good fun, I think parodying/satirizing Christian beliefs have been overdone, and it's not very palatable. (esp for the month of dec)
The writing was good and it had a good twist. Seems you have a lot of knowledge about Christianity/ Christian beliefs esp since you used the name Joshua instead of Jesus, which is a better translation of Yeshua. But yeah, overall, not for me.

*Louanne Learning, The Universe Unfolds*

SPaG:5
T&V:4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:3.5
16.5

I enjoyed the dialogue and the happy ending! Beliefs about destiny/fate is a common trope. It’s overdone, so now there is a lot more counter/challenge to that idea; that it’s all random, and we just assign meaning to it. I think that’s a fair assessment, but now that seems like a more common belief. It wouldn’t surprise me if that became the new trope instead of fate/destiny lol. I like how there is a question at the end, like the MC is now challenging that idea. Another thing I enjoyed is you didn't know she was dead/in an after lie until about halfway through.
​Arsenex​SPaG 4.75
T&V:4.5
Evaluation:4.5
Reaction:4.75
18.5

I enjoyed the style and atmosphere of the story/writing. The descriptions were great. This sentence made me think he may have shot the lead alien:_ moved my finger close to the trigger. It was dead center, aligned, ready for a thundering piece of lead, jacketed in steel. I marked time, nervous, anxious—it screeched again. But the screeching_ was actually the alien talking, but based on the context it made me think it was a screech of pain. I really liked the ending and how the stag was more than just a prize to the narrator it represented meaning.


*CyberWar, Fimbulwinter*
SPaG:4.75
T&V: 4
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.75

Dark… there isn’t much I can say other than that lol…I like how the prompt wasn’t directly written into the piece, the story speaks for itself about the narrator's struggle for survival and extreme loss. I also like how as the story progresses, we get more context and, by the end, see their pure desperation.

*Time to Let Her Go Anon*
SPaG: 4.5
T&V:3.5
Evaluation:3.5
Reaction:3.5
15

The first paragraph is a little ‘choppy’ but considering the situation/tone of the story in the opening, i think it works and helps convey the anxiousness of the MC/ set the tone.
The last half of the story feels discounted to the first. It seemed heavily focused on the relationship of the man and woman but then shifts to a conversation between other characters, relieving he turned himself in. I like that at the end it's relieved that he was ‘leaving her’ without directly saying why.

*SJ Ward, A Shot at Time*
SPaG:5
T&V:4
Evaluation:3.75
Reaction:3.5
16.25

It lacks clarity, but I enjoy the mystery. From what I gather, the drug the MC did more than just let him ‘relive’ something. Seems like he actually traveled back in time, perhaps more than once so he could change his fate of being a cripple. Now that he succeeded, he doesn’t remember doing it many times(?) I think being more direct in a couple of places throughout the narrative would've made it a bit easier to connect the dots.

*Axe, Shrouded in Void*
SPaG:5
T&V:3.75
Evaluation:4
Reaction:4
16.75
When I read BLM land, I thought this was going to be a political piece LOL Nope, just a cave explorer. Dying injured in a cave, in a tight spot, is something out of my nightmares. It made me think of the true story of a guy who died stuck in a cave upside down and 127 hours, a movie that was based on a true story. Though it sounds like the MC became paralyzed after the fall, I'm glad it had a happy ending, and he was found.

*NajaNoir*
SPaG:5
T&V:4.75
Evaluation:4.75
Reaction:5
19.5
Another well-written piece by najanoir! The descriptions were amazing. I was able to picture everything vividly. One place I got a little confused was this part: _The stranger appeared one night, while many were in bed and fast asleep. Hearing a commotion, Lyle opened the curtain from his tenth story window and watched the scene unfold. He was in a carriage hitched to giant beasts._
For some reason, I thought _he_ was referring to Lyle and not the stranger…so maybe change He to the stranger for clarity, but that could just be me being dumb, lol





Spoiler: Vranger's scores



*The Gospel of Judas - rcallaci*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 2.0
Reaction 3.0
*Total 13.0*

One typo and a couple of semi-colons I thought were better as periods, but this SPaG was MUCH cleaner than recent entries. Nice job. Other than by implication I didn’t really see an emphasis on the prompt, which hurt Evaluation and dragged down Reaction.

*The Universe Unfolds - Louanne Learning*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.0*

Beautiful story. It was as peaceful as your character desired, yet compelling reading.

*(no title) - Arsenex*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 19.0*

Nicely written with evocative emotion. The aliens kind of came out of the blue when I was expecting a more bucolic piece of self-reflection. LOL However, as we’re part of the sci-fi brotherhood, it didn’t surprise me THAT much. I enjoyed it.

*Fimbulwinter - CyberWar*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.0*

I think this is the longest night from among the stories. ;-) When used in a proper name, “aunt” should be capitalized, and that was my ding on SPaG. Effective writing if very dark. I’m glad it was short. LOL

*Time to Let Her Go - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 15.5*

A dash after "details" should have been a colon, otherwise I thought it pretty clean. There was one goof that brought my score down. In the first set of dialogue, you got the speakers off in the last two lines. Something there needed to be combined into one dialogue paragraph. This is one of those I think would be more effective as a longer piece, as I didn’t feel I really got to know the characters well enough to understand their actions. I’d have liked to see a bit more teeth in the prompt.

*A Shot at Time - S J Ward*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.5*

There was a “your” which should have been “you’re”. It’s a nice fantasy, to go back and change one salient moment in life. One decision that meant a lot. Well thought out.

*Shrouded in Void - axe*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.0*

Very effective in transmitting the character’s desperation. You had me pushing through to find out if the rescue was forthcoming. 

*Gift of Blight - NajaNoir*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

Wow did we get some DARK stories for this prompt, and I don’t mean that just for the word dark. LOL Here’s another that was very effective but very depressing. ;-) On SPaG, I thought the second paragraph needed some punctuation adjustment to be more clear. Once again, the writing was on target to convey its intended mood, dark as it was.

***

Nice job, everyone.





Spoiler: S J Ward's scores



Rcallaci - The Gospel of Judas



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Eval4.0

Reac4.0

TOT15.5


The first paragraph is awkward, it could do with breaking down a little to make it read with ease. The second Para ends with a colon prior to the speech and there is an errant apostrophe in that sentence... ‘My dear Juda’s’, a sentence that would be better for more punctuation. There is also an apostrophe in the wrong place with ‘gods’ angels’.

Certain commas seemed to be required too… ‘In essence Satan...’
I feel it is a story that needs far more than the 650 word limit to shine. And shine it might! Suffering only because of the overladen paragraphs and slip-ups in editing.




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Louanne Learning – The Universe Unfolds



SPAG4.5

T&V3.5

Eval4.0

Reac4.5

TOT16.5



I think the first para needs to be set in a fixed tense, rather than start in the present with ‘are mysterious’ and then seemingly into the past with ‘ambled, hooted, rustled, asked’… All dubious and hinting at the past, imo. I know they can be used that way but it feels awkward.

The conversation seems a little pretentios at the start but once it gets going it sorts itself out. With no problem reading the conversation even with a lack of assignation.

I liked the story. But I felt the tone and voice let it down. It did not seem realistic to me in the language of any of the characters. The idea of using hummingbirds I liked a lot.



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Arsenix – No Title (My Woods…)



SPAG4.5

T&V4.0

Eval4.0

Reac4.5

TOT17.0



The short, staccatto, sentences and expressions crammed into each paragraph, detracted a bit my reading of the story and total immersion into it. This is possibly a failing of the 650 word limit. Maybe, though, it needed editing harshly to allow more elegant expressions to grace the page, rather than bullet-points.

However, the tone and voice went well and I like the nods to the possessive… that they were your woods and you felt cowardly at not having protected them. Because of the bullet points you actually have a decent imagery, but at times it isn’t pretty. Still, my favourite story!


Anon – Time to let Her Go



SPAG4.5

T&V3.5

Eval4.0

Reac4.0

TOT16.0



The first paragraph seems too fragmented and doesn’t lead one into the story easily. I also found the Tone and voice within the story to be a mite unbelievable.

A slip-up, I believe, with “You can fine me.” I read as ‘fire’, Fine did not seem appropriate.

I liked the story and the sentiment in the second section that Marius is saving Anneke. A sentiment that comes through with the writing.




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axe – Shrouded in Void



SPAG4.5

T&V3.5

Eval4.5

Reac4.0

TOT16.5



What is a BLM land? I still haven’t figured that out. I’m not sure a son would actually speak like that to an answer phone in the opening para. Especially to their mother.

The final paragraphs are word-heavy, and could do with splitting into more managable chunks, but that’s my opinion.

I liked the story, however, I struggled to judge the T&V. With the exception of the first and last paragraphs, it was very plot-laden.



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NajaNoir – Gift of Blight



SPAG4.5

T&V4.0

Eval4.0

Reac3.5

TOT16.0



It’s the actual story I have difficulty with. At times I found it confusing, it didn’t sit right with me, until towards the end. I think it was because of some awkward sentence structures within the piece.

I did enjoy the fact that you considered Father Christmas as the deliverer of the Blight.

I think some divisional work might help and split the story into time-oriented sections. Plus… ‘Three years had passed since the aura…’

Good story, though awkward to read.




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CyberWar – Fimbulwinter



SPAG4.0

T&V4.0

Eval3.5

Reac3.5

TOT15.0



The first sentence needs sorting, maybe… ‘as I throw another log into the roaring fire…’ But everyone considers a roaring fire to be warming, so maybe roaring isn’t right in this story’s context.

I noted that where a conversation is interrupted by information, where the first part ended in a comma, it was not picked up again with a lower-case letter.

“I know, son,” I respond… “So am I.”

Much as I like the tone and voice of the story, I think the story should be a part of a much larger work. At which point it may have an ending. This piece seems to dangle without one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
```


Another great bunch of stories, all very different from one another.

Deciding a winner gets harder and harder.

Perhaps I’ll take a month off from judging and just enter next time.



Also, check out our January contest, now open: *A Magnificent Failure*


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## Louanne Learning (Jan 4, 2023)

Congratulations to the winners and a big thank you to the judges!

Very happy with my showing. Well done everyone!


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## Arsenex (Jan 4, 2023)

Louanne Learning said:


> Congratulations to the winners and a big thank you to the judges!
> 
> Very happy with my showing. Well done everyone!


Ditto.

Always interesting to see the different feedback. So many perspectives that never even remotely enter my mind. Thanks to everyone who contributed on both ends.


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## NajaNoir (Jan 4, 2023)

One of these days I'm going to figure out commas, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it's going to happen. I swear it to be true.

I had a lot of fun writing this story but I'll admit I'm surprised by the win. I agree with the judges about some of the awkwardness throughout. Still, I appreciate the win. Thank you!

As always a big thank you to Harper and all of the judges for your time, effort, and thoughts. 

I loved the dark mood this prompt brought out in us. Made for some fantastic reading all around.


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## Ladyserpentine (Jan 4, 2023)

That was tough to judge with so many wonderful, imaginative, (and yes, very many dark) stories! I thoroughly enjoyed each and every entry this month.

Congratulations @NajaNoir @Arsenex and @Louanne Learning - great stuff 

Thank you @Harper J. Cole for hosting!!


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## axe (Jan 4, 2023)

Thank you so much to the judges and host! This was the first time I've ever participated in something like this and it was a great experience. It was especially interesting working within the 650 word limitation. I wanted to try to tell a full story with a setup, conflict, and resolution in 650 words and learned that was very difficult to do haha. 

Also, it seems I need to clarify: BLM = Bureau of Land Management  Out west in the US there are millions of acres of public land that are managed by the BLM and I guess I shouldn't have assumed that was common knowledge. It's kind of hilarious now that I'm thinking about it and realizing what most people associate "BLM" with now.

I really enjoyed all the stories though. I especially liked the one by @Arsenex and was curious - did you come up with that while you were hunting? Because I know I've had many similar daydreams during long sits in the stand .

Thanks again everyone! Looking forward to participating again!


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## VRanger (Jan 4, 2023)

NajaNoir said:


> I loved the dark mood this prompt brought out in us. Made for some fantastic reading all around.


I got halfway through adapting The Night Before Christmas with Zombies and Vampires, but ran out of time to complete it as a Judge submission. LOL


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## VRanger (Jan 4, 2023)

axe said:


> Also, it seems I need to clarify: BLM = Bureau of Land Management  Out west in the US there are millions of acres of public land that are managed by the BLM and I guess I shouldn't have assumed that was common knowledge. It's kind of hilarious now that I'm thinking about it and realizing what most people associate "BLM" with now.


 I understood it.


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## NajaNoir (Jan 5, 2023)

VRanger said:


> I got halfway through adapting The Night Before Christmas with Zombies and Vampires, but ran out of time to complete it as a Judge submission. LOL



That sounds like a fun read. You should finish it anyways, on your own time, and post to forums.


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## Ladyserpentine (Jan 5, 2023)

VRanger said:


> I got halfway through adapting The Night Before Christmas with Zombies and Vampires, but ran out of time to complete it as a Judge submission. LOL


I second @NajaNoir. I'd read that!!


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## Arsenex (Jan 5, 2023)

axe said:


> Thank you so much to the judges and host! This was the first time I've ever participated in something like this and it was a great experience. It was especially interesting working within the 650 word limitation. I wanted to try to tell a full story with a setup, conflict, and resolution in 650 words and learned that was very difficult to do haha.
> 
> Also, it seems I need to clarify: BLM = Bureau of Land Management  Out west in the US there are millions of acres of public land that are managed by the BLM and I guess I shouldn't have assumed that was common knowledge. It's kind of hilarious now that I'm thinking about it and realizing what most people associate "BLM" with now.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I had actually just watched some survivalist show clip where the guy climbed 30 ft. up a tree and was raiding a honeypot with his hand. Bees were stinging the crap out of him while one hand clung to the tree and the other snatched honeycomb. It planted the image of a tree stand in my head which sent me down the hunting path. The aliens came along when I thought about carrying the stand up about a hundred feet in the tree. Why would anyone do that? It was an abrupt change from adventure to sci-fi, but I thought it worked. Was fun.


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## KatPC (Jan 5, 2023)

Well done @NajaNoir !!



NajaNoir said:


> I loved the dark mood this prompt brought out in us. Made for some fantastic reading all around.



You would think that a dark moody story would be right up my street, I actually wrote a 'funnier' and lighthearted story, but chickened out in the end 

Will have a read of everyone's stories tonight


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## NajaNoir (Jan 5, 2023)

KatPC said:


> Well done @NajaNoir !!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You too, should post it once you're more confident. Even if you're not, it's what we're all here for, to help each other gain confidence and become better writers.


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## KatPC (Jan 6, 2023)

NajaNoir said:


> You too, should post it once you're more confident. Even if you're not, it's what we're all here for, to help each other gain confidence and become better writers.


I don't think I will ever be confident of self, it is one of the things I will always work on. But here you go:

Longest Day

Hope you enjoy the read


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## SueC (Jan 6, 2023)

KatPC said:


> I don't think I will ever be confident of self, it is one of the things I will always work on. But here you go:
> 
> Longest Day
> 
> Hope you enjoy the read


Kat, looks like the link is broken for your story. Was looking foward to reading this! Please try again.


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## KatPC (Jan 6, 2023)

https://www.writingforums.com/threads/longest-day-december-lm-prompt-644-words.201614/#post-2437872


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## piperofyork (Jan 7, 2023)

Congratulations @NajaNoir and @Arsenex and @Louanne Learning! Well deserved!


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## KeganThompson (Monday at 8:48 PM)

Oops, a little late 

Congrats winners! @NajaNoir @Arsenex  and @Louanne Learning!!

thank you, everyone, for participating, and thank you for hosting again @Harper J. Cole


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