# Year in Review



## gokedik (Sep 4, 2014)

I’ll be turning 41 next month. October 15, stone cold Libra. I review my life when a birthday is this close, not consciously but as a habit. I have a friend, and once mentor, that I’ve known for 20 years and one dear,  once therapist, friend I’ve had for ten that is still #1 in my book. Two new friends that I’ve discovered where I’m sleeping at night  (currently) that I highly value for their ability to laugh. And more importantly, their ability to encourage me to. One I consider my spiritual mentor, and Spanish teacher, whom survived getting shot in the head numerous times, dealing cocaine in Tijuana, and never has uttered a negative word, but only in jest, that I or anyone has heard. He’s my elder and we laugh like hyena’s at our attempt to understand each others language and our inside jokes that NOBODY follows.

    Not too happy with where I reside (at the moment)but am overjoyed with my welcoming into the WritingForums.com website. I knew writing made me happy 
and thought that it might be transferable or, at least, create thought in other readers. I understand by your replies that I have, indeed, succeeded. Not that I’m there now, or am, at all, sated. I have learned from you, too. Different ways to look at things, that’s why I think we’re drawn to share. And for me, personally, the exposure, in general. I have something to say, as I’m sure we all do,  and may it reach it’s intended target.

    I have a beef with my three sisters. One that leads and the others follow, at least when it concerns me. My beef is that, since my Mother died in ‘04 I have not received ONE phone call to query as to my well being. The leading sister just has this self-righteousness about her (proof we are related) that I know is a defense mechanism (further proof) but when I tell her, via email, that I forgot what we were fighting about but remembered that we loved each other. It was sadly, one sided. Granted, I haven’t been the best brother in the past but she says she’s 'over' that. So what then? I just want a “Hey, you alright?” once in a blue moon and after all these years .I feel separated from the family, by proximity (600 miles) and emotionally abandoned. Our family only exists of us kids, now that Mom is gone and THEIR dad is gone. That could quite possibly be the issue. But we WERE TIGHT as kids. Except one of the twins. She always was distant with me and now I don’t even know her. And finding out about weddings via Facebook will make ANYONE feel separate. I forgot about that. But I told them through the leader that I, literally, pray for each of their marriages, knowing the odds are against them. And will continue to. They can cut me off but I can still be ‘part of’ in my own way.

    Carl Jung maintained that life begins at 40. I get what he was talking about, because, by 40, you must have been around the block, at least, once. So, no more getting fooled unless you play the fool. I know what I want in my life and what I don’t (there was a lot of that). You must have come across a user or two, of people, that is. So no more of that unless you allow it and then there’s no crying when, what happen, happens. You had to have had your heart broken by now. That’s the sad, but true reality of living. And if not...duck! To have your heart broken is just proof that you have one, to break, but to love also...AH...TO LOVE ALSO!

     Knowing I’m not going to die of old age, as sick as it sounds, has become a sense of comfort. The ride that this, flesh and blood being that I currently reside, has been rough and tumble, all the way. But now I’ve hit a backstop, a dead end, that does not surround me but is more like a wall. And I make friends anywhere I go, as anti-social as I may be. Anti-social is my philosophy but in action I am an emotionally needy person who wants you to hug them and take them out to lunch. Wow, this has gotten honest. 

    I have a hug meter inside of me and it is rarely set back but when it is, I’m in heaven, usually it’s a nurse friend, I have many, coming to visit me. One I met in the hospital but, she suggested, coming out to see me! That day I felt wanted, which I think everyone needs, to some degree. And the day she came...she was resetting my hug meter before I knew she was here. She was beautiful outside of those, burlap sack looking, scrubs. She knows enough about me not to be afraid. And now I hear that her fiancee is absent, she said ‘well, I guess I’m single again.’. I told her that I wanted to see her happy, having once thought she was gone, and wanted to help, as if I could. But I’ve decided to text her just saying things like ‘You’re a fantastic mother.’ And nothing else. Just ego boosting that she doesn’t have to occupy too much of her time with. Even though she told me that she loves anything I write. I don’t want her spending her valuable time reading, MY work, although she does. I think she needs more than that. I want to give it to her but am not alluded, she will remain that friend that a hundred mile fence is up around that grants the occasional touch, but just that. And I am one hundred percent, happy, elated, to the moon, O. K. with that. Really, just looking into her eyes I can get closer than her fiancee ever will be. She loves her shoes and they love her right back .She doesn’t die her hair blonde or anything, representing her Latina roots. And she is my age. She has adult child and other little one’s, including one adopted. She MUST  be a fantastic Mother. I asked what she did for fun and she said she doesn’t do anything for FUN. She is always at work or school, or maintaining a household full of children of various ages, I don’t even know how many. And she almost got away.

So, bring it on 41, but bring some cake.
.


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## Plasticweld (Sep 4, 2014)

*‘04 I have not received ONE phone call to query as to my well being. The leading sister just has this self-righteousness about her (proof we are related) that I know is a defense mechanism (further proof) but when I tell her, via email, that I forgot what we were fighting about but remembered that we loved each other. It was sadly, one sided. Granted, I haven’t been the best brother in the past but she says she’s 'over' that. So what then? I just want a “Hey, you alright?” once in a blue moon *

Doing the right thing is not always rewarded.  I will offer there is far less damage done when you do the right thing and it is ignored verses doing nothing and living with the idea you "could" have done something.


Good men lead, others follow. 


I wish I were your age again... happy birthday in a month I will never remember to tell you then...Bob


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## Pluralized (Sep 4, 2014)

Glad you're here, gok. It's a beautiful life if we know where to look, and it sounds like you'll be just fine. One thing I've learned about family -- they're probably sitting there saying, "I've not received ONE phone call from gokedik, yadayadayada!" So, it's like an impasse, and life can get away from you if you're not careful. I'd do anything to have more time with some of my lost friends and relatives, and if I were wiser, I'd have picked up the phone myself and been the bigger person. Even if it goes against principal.  Get that hug-meter going, with your sisters. You'll be glad you did. I'm going to do that myself, I think -- right now. 

Good luck man - keep us posted and keep writing stuff. You're an intriguing persona.


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## Pandora (Sep 4, 2014)

I will I just wrote it down . . . ha! I love birthdays and other people's birthday's what a celebration to celebrate life! 

I had something happen to me a couple months into age 40, it changed me and yes feels like life started over. I wouldn't want to be any younger than my 58 but I wish I had grandchildren :-$ that would be like being young all over.

Sisters, family, the dynamics. I have the twins, my eldest has passed on. When we are together I have always been the outsider, alone with just one at a time is better. One twin was the youngest by ten minutes when I came along, might have wished I hadn't.  I thought until recently I was Mama's favorite, never got the wooden spoon, little trouble even in the teens, provided, moved her here with me, died with her. Now a new revelation as of late is teaching me something. My opinion of my sisters hurt her. I probably hurt her more than my sisters ever could because she expected more from me. She expected the wisdom to have family loyalty. I hope you can supply and trigger that by example. Faith and Prim are closer to me now than when we were young so perhaps it is never too late. Try the one on one if possible, the dynamics might be more favorable. I wish I had a brother.

The hug meter, love that, get them when you can right? I love love and want everyone to be in love but I won't start. I could see something changing your life in a lovely latino lady who has a caregiver heart.  Whatever comes, a friend you certainly have. 

Thanks for sharing this year in review, gokedik. By the way, Libra is my most compatible sign. I am on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius my hubby Virgo and Libra. I have a book that tells by date and it mentions we were made for each other. We knew that from the moment we met, it was in the stars.

Love love reading your life, thanks for sharing. I'll bring the cake, what's your favorite?


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## gokedik (Sep 4, 2014)

*Pandora, my friend*



Pandora said:


> I will I just wrote it down . . . ha! I love birthdays and other people's birthday's what a celebration to celebrate life!
> 
> I had something happen to me a couple months into age 40, it changed me and yes feels like life started over. I wouldn't want to be any younger than my 58 but I wish I had grandchildren :-$ that would be like being young all over.
> 
> ...


Oh, Pandora, rarely, and I mean rarely, do I allow myself to be as vulnerable to ANYONE as I have, you. But luckily one of my two friends here I have allowed to and I feel a bit of responsibility for her, now. I don't understand that. But it feels nice to have someone to watch out for. I kinda' like that. Not that I am almighty protector, because I'm not. I think I'm psychologically protecting my interest. She holds the missing piece that nobody can put their finger on.

Your help with my sisters is greatly appreciated. With my Birthday coming up they can pass an olive branch or send a stern message. At least, that's how it will feel, if I hear and see nothing. I don't expect anything. I won't call because that will seem self serving. Trying to get their attention.

And hugs are Oh, so important, and mean a lot to me. An embrace can change my mood. Calm me down. Make me feel alive again. If for one brief moment. 

And being a Libra, I respond greatly to my environment, I think that's why chaos inspires me. We fill the energy void needed to balance things out. That's why they're great friends. You're down, we'll pull you up. You are to high, we'll bring your feet back to Earth. And I lied I don't want cake. I want to hold someone I care about. Or them, me, whatever. I want an embrace. My friend can't really considering she's in a wheelchair like me. Oh, well, that just makes the next one more special. If I have one thing in life it is patience. I've been single longer than most people's education. And I'm not kidding it is really a source of shame for me, but the way I see it, I haven't hurt anyone or put them in danger. Will NOT do that. I can ride solo into the sunset and have already made peace with that. So friends and hugs are HUGE for me. Thank you is getting old but not the feeling of gratitude...MK.


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## Pandora (Sep 5, 2014)

Yes the Libra's I have known have done just that. Our friend from our early 20's passed in May. We are afraid at his own hands, no one is talking. He was a bartender, in the early days, we all know how great they can be. His personality filled the room in a honest way, no show. He was a Libra, a man I trusted which back then wasn't like me. Kind of fella you just knew was true.


You are touching many hearts, MK.


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## gokedik (Sep 5, 2014)

Plasticweld said:


> *‘04 I have not received ONE phone call to query as to my well being. The leading sister just has this self-righteousness about her (proof we are related) that I know is a defense mechanism (further proof) but when I tell her, via email, that I forgot what we were fighting about but remembered that we loved each other. It was sadly, one sided. Granted, I haven’t been the best brother in the past but she says she’s 'over' that. So what then? I just want a “Hey, you alright?” once in a blue moon *
> 
> Doing the right thing is not always rewarded.  I will offer there is far less damage done when you do the right thing and it is ignored verses doing nothing and living with the idea you "could" have done something.
> 
> ...


I figured there would be those that would like to be my age again. And I also knew that some if not all would have an opinion about how to deal with my sisters. I appreciate your view and encouragement and the Birthday wish, I might not even remember next month.. Thanks for your time.


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## gokedik (Sep 5, 2014)

Pluralized said:


> Glad you're here, gok. It's a beautiful life if we know where to look, and it sounds like you'll be just fine. One thing I've learned about family -- they're probably sitting there saying, "I've not received ONE phone call from gokedik, yadayadayada!" So, it's like an impasse, and life can get away from you if you're not careful. I'd do anything to have more time with some of my lost friends and relatives, and if I were wiser, I'd have picked up the phone myself and been the bigger person. Even if it goes against principal.  Get that hug-meter going, with your sisters. You'll be glad you did. I'm going to do that myself, I think -- right now.
> 
> Good luck man - keep us posted and keep writing stuff. You're an intriguing persona.


Yeah, the bigger man...I'm a giant, Pluralized. One more leap and I'm gonna burn my hand on the sun. My part now is to be strong as I always have been...alone. They're 600 miles away, no hugs will be given even if they thought I was the creative, dynamic, beautiful person, that I actually am. They'll learn, this fight almost began a couple years ago but I started it on Facebook. I realized how disrespectful that was for both of us and extinguished the argument quickly by submitting. Same beef just a couple year later and still not phone call #1. I'm not being stubborn or self-righteous, just have a strong sense of resolve. And as much as you think I'm an "intriguing persona". I hope you realize that I am an even more intriguing person. Be not confused, this is not a persona you are reading about. This is REAL in every sense. Thank you for your time and critique.


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## Seedy M. (Sep 5, 2014)

You are a child. You have, very recently, found a path to explore. You have talent. You have learned to feel, which far too many never do.
I have watched your retrospection to this point. I find you an intelligent and empathic person.
I feel it is time to stop the retrospective phase. You are ready. It's time to make your mark.
I know where you're coming from. I have a brother who has not so much as answered a Happy Birthday email in almost three years. I think it has to do with his daughter, who is a religious person almost to a fanatic degree.
Whatever. I don't judge such things and you shouldn't, either. I honestly wish all of them a bright future, but it will not include me - by their choice. They have opted out of my life. It is somewhat sad.
Gok, you have an amazing talent. Use it. Now is the moment to decide where you are going. The angst and whatever are in the past. You have something to contribute. That is true of very few people.
Get at it! The brass ring doesn't pass often. You have it within your grasp. Grab it!
I am going to write now. I will probably not be here much for a couple of weeks. I want to return to see you've posted work that everyone says is exceptional. It is most certainly in you. Let it out!
I consider you a friend. Don't let me down.


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## gokedik (Sep 5, 2014)

*Brass Ring*



Seedy M. said:


> You are a child. You have, very recently, found a path to explore. You have talent. You have learned to feel, which far too many never do.
> I have watched your retrospection to this point. I find you an intelligent and empathic person.
> I feel it is time to stop the retrospective phase. You are ready. It's time to make your mark.
> I know where you're coming from. I have a brother who has not so much as answered a Happy Birthday email in almost three years. I think it has to do with his daughter, who is a religious person almost to a fanatic degree.
> ...


 At first, I read this on my phone and then was, like, Woah, this is heavy. I have gotten props from another member of WF. I shared with her something that happened to me that should happen to NO man OR woman. It changes every day of my life to this day. Even in my fiction I have not been able to tell the story but I think it's fodder for my best work, yet. Also I am part of a seedling of an activist group. My friend, whom is blind but extremely adept, is the founder. We met in a hospital and he hired me to write without every hearing any of my work. We formed a mission statement and are gathering information for causes we wish to represent. This will be my work, he has a degree in marketing and has someone working on a website, right, now. I am at his beckon call, and he is at mine. We work well together, over distance and time. That is my work. But I digress, I don't get comments from many people but the one's I get have been mind-blowingly inspirational, as yours was when I read it. I have nobody to tell me what you and she have, it makes me kind of emotional. Really, you hit me in the gut. You sure know how to knock a guy over. Like I told her the other day, Thank you is getting old, but not the feeling of gratitude. Thank you, friend.

- - - Updated - - -



Seedy M. said:


> You are a child. You have, very recently, found a path to explore. You have talent. You have learned to feel, which far too many never do.
> I have watched your retrospection to this point. I find you an intelligent and empathic person.
> I feel it is time to stop the retrospective phase. You are ready. It's time to make your mark.
> I know where you're coming from. I have a brother who has not so much as answered a Happy Birthday email in almost three years. I think it has to do with his daughter, who is a religious person almost to a fanatic degree.
> ...


 At first, I read this on my phone and then was, like, Woah, this is heavy. I have gotten props from another member of WF. I shared with her something that happened to me that should happen to NO man OR woman. It changes every day of my life to this day. Even in my fiction I have not been able to tell the story but I think it's fodder for my best work, yet. Also I am part of a seedling of an activist group. My friend, whom is blind but extremely adept, is the founder. We met in a hospital and he hired me to write without every hearing any of my work. We formed a mission statement and are gathering information for causes we wish to represent. This will be my work, he has a degree in marketing and has someone working on a website, right, now. I am at his beckon call, and he is at mine. We work well together, over distance and time. That is my work. But I digress, I don't get comments from many people but the one's I get have been mind-blowingly inspirational, as yours was when I read it. I have nobody to tell me what you and she have, it makes me kind of emotional. Really, you hit me in the gut. You sure know how to knock a guy over. Like I told her the other day, Thank you is getting old, but not the feeling of gratitude. Thank you, friend.


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