# Scores: Literary Maneuvers MARCH 2020 RE-Tell a Fairy Tale (1 Viewer)



## SueC (Apr 1, 2020)

*CONGRATULATIONS to WINNERS
and thank you to all participants*​
[spoiler2="xXx"]Scores
bdcharles 19
the clacking bird
jenpen 18
Red Riding the Hood
hvy 16
The True Story of Prometheus
rcal 17
The Hill
anon1 19
The Pain of Destiny
epi 19
David and Goliath
undead 17
The Exhibit
b4b 18
HELLFIRE
arrow 19
army man
===
bdcharles
the clacking bird

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5
Total: 19/20

best of month: whimsy's clack-clix
title, plus reference
open, context (where, who, what)
close, ponderance AS reader connect sustain

_Delighted was <he>, so much so, that <he> forgot all about ruling and the kingdom’s various wants, and stared lovingly....

...who wanted only to delight <her> loved ones. <Her> actions destabilised that happy county, and those neighbouring nations who determined their gifts had been spurned and moved on Summerfate with a vengeance. The war rages today, claiming millions, with no end in sight.

please consider incorporating this
as a shared tale
within the greater fabric
of your WIP
author flights, fancy-full-gifted

---
jenpen
Red Riding the Hood

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 18/20

best of month: kitchen(garden)-chemistry-kick/trix entre.preneuer
title, punny as reference
open, context (who, where, what)
close, happy ditty jingle(jungle/jugular)

<Her> father turned to Red and smiled adoringly. “Ah, <she’s> a kind-hearted, generous young <lass>. <She> spends most of <her> day out in <her> little garden, growing herbs and vegetables that <she> loves to share. <She’s> a good little cook too.”

“Oh yes,” Grandma nodded, “<she> has a talent for gardening alright and I always enjoy the things <she> cooks.”

especially liked mandrake
seamless presentation of layered entendre
author business families
---
hvy
The True Story of Prometheus

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 2/5
Total: 16/20

best of month: spin-stir-serve
title, true-dat with advisory
open, context (where, what hook)
close, rhetorical/response, on-the-side

In any case, a tiny little thing called "Hope" was still in the box, shaking as it clung to a corner, too shy to leave when it had opened previously. It's what caused Herakles to wish access to Pandora’s lovely sweet box. He hoped to get Hope hopping, as it were.

Well, imagine <his> surprise when <he> stepped right onto the face of <his> long-lost brother.

author got-it-tudes
---
rcal
The Hill

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 17/20

best of month: jilly ad
title, benny's as/with reference
open, context (who, where, what-what?!)
close, re.solv(e).ed

My wish is binding...

...and that’s not in the parameters of our wish contract. But there might be a way to grant your desire if you promise...

...once drunk, run like hell.”

you devil, you!
author ne(e)-goat-s/he-ate-OR, n.sidhe.us
---
anon1
The Pain of Destiny

SPaG: 4/5 watch verb tense
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5 roflcopter
Total: 19/20

best of month: tooled-time
title, un/avoid?able
open, context (who, what, where)
close, (e/a/n).vert

...granter of knowledge. <I> will give...<You> shall know <the> pain...

...as myriad visions hit <him> like a sand storm. <He> saw blurred threads of the future, yet unwoven, with infinite possibilities in front of <him>. The sand, the prince(ss), a tracking army, lasguns and a shape with geometry so twisted it almost drained <him>...

“Lump…Lump…”

author catchtube-22, dune-it-write
---

epi
David and Goliath

SPaG: 4/5 watch verb tense, how are we preserve
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 5/5
Reaction: 5/5 roflcopter
Total: 19/20

best of month: peter-principled
title, iconic ironic
open, context (who, what, where) classic.al
close, class.sic.al(l)

“For posterity,” the scribe replied, adding under <his> breath(e), “obviously.”

...trying to preserve historical accuracy and all I get is...

“...and how are we (to) preserve cultural integrity when we can’t even...


author end-of-the-dei-take-away
---
undead
The Exhibit

SPaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5 vivid
Total: 17/20

best of month: poi(s)son-under-glass
title, succinct
open, context (where, what hook)
close, open.n.shut

...wouldn’t put it on display if it’s a person...

...a knife sliding over <her> tongue, sea-snakes writhing, voodoo murmurings...

...Haitian looked through the glass...

author sigh-lance, grrrgl-gag
---
b4b
HELLFIRE

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 4/5
Reaction: 4/5
Total: 18/20

best of month: poof
title, robust
open, context (who, what, where)
close, over.n.out

...aim was true, <his> reputation for cruelty, legendary...how clever <he> was. ...master illusionist, and one of the greatest jammers in the Koprulu sector.

...stretch, deform. Flicker...


author bounty (full), feuled, filled - filed
---
arrow
army -man-

SPaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5

Evaluation: 4/5 FAB
Reaction: 5/5
Total: 19/20

best of month: break-it-down-now
title, with reference
open, context (who, what, where)
close, home AS state mind.ed re-turn

He wondered if toys went to Heaven or Hell or if it was only dark emptiness forever.

...wasn’t clear, as is common in dreams...

“I lost something, too. Most of us do.”

publish this
author greater-than-sum-of-parts_
Scores[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="Foxee"]Scores
bdcharles, _The Clacking Bird_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 3/5
Reac: 2/5
Overall: 15/20

This had a nice start off to it especially, the tone and promise of what felt like a bedtime story. Some of your terms like 'keyslady' and 'sparkdusts' had a pleasantly made-up feel which, to me, gave it a warmth such as someone making this up and telling it to me on the spot.

And so the story was competently written and had a voice that went from warm and engaging to a little more modern and cheeky which was fun. The plot, however, felt like it fell down and couldn't get back up. In spite of the chatelaine's nice gesture every turn of the plot is negative until the emperor dies and she ends up rotting in a dungeon to this very day. An ending of that sort seems that it should belong to a cautionary tale but I'm left groping for what the caution should be; “Don't do nice things for people”? Or “Look out! Behind you!” It felt like an ending that needed another gear to fully bring it to a close.*


*jenthepen, _Red Riding Hood_
SpaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Reac: 3/5
Overall: 16/20

Fairy tale crime fiction, maybe? There's a genre with possibilities. This is definitely a fairy tale retelling, it hit the prompt straight on, don't have to squint to see it. There were single quotes at the beginning rather than double, a small error but did affect the SpaG score. Consistent voice, definite narrative arc, the plot proceeded and the characters were active. All good things. I think a few adverbs could be pulled out and replaced with stronger wording though that wasn't egregious. The ending felt like an actual ending which is a difficult thing to achieve with shorts sometimes.My problem was that the only person who was being fooled was the nicest character who is presented as being somewhat stupid for believing in their own child. The word choice there “whimpered prettily” indicates that if the woodcutter had a functioning brain cell he might have seen that Red wasn't being honest. And so the takeaway of the story seems to be a little thin, Red and her cohorts are nasty money-grubbing dope-peddlers and the one person who is in a different camp than the criminals is gleefully made a fool of and exploited. This unfortunately hits a sour note for me but as it's kind of the main plot point, I can't get away from it.

hvysmkr, _The True Story of Prometheus_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 3/5
Eval: 3/5
Reac: 2/5
Overall: 13/20

The first couple of paragraphs of this story had me hooked, it felt like we were turning in a sort of Discworld direction. Unfortunately, the story turned into a middle-school comedian laughing at his own jokes.

The imagery was well-described, the story answered the demand of the prompt if you consider mythology to be a fairy tale. I can go along with that. The whole did hang together as a coherent story with beginning, middle, and end so that was successful.

The inconsistency of the voice was jarring, though, quivering between archaic, modern banter, and snigger. What threw me out of the story repeatedly was the mocking tone, like shortening the names to Promie and Hercy. Likewise the word choices like Twinkie dropping his 'din-din' set my teeth on edge and nothing was improved with the descent into locker room humor with Pandora.

One might say that there is an audience for this work and I'm not in it. I could accept that if the tone wasn't relentlessly talking down to the reader (something that is a common mistake when making up children's stories) while the title promised something 'adult'.rcallaci, _The Hill_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 5/5
Reac: 4/5
Overall: 19/20

Nice tight story that carried on with a consistent voice and tone and delivered an ending that felt like an ending, complete with a little bit of a surprise. I found the name 'Jilly Cakes' to be annoying and that fit with Jill's own opinion so that was a nice bit of reader response.

Answered the prompt well, bummed me out a little bit that you killed off Aladdin but, y'know, if he was gonna be a jerk to a genie, I guess he had it coming!

Anonymous, _The Pain of Destiny_
SpaG: 4/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 2/5
Reac: 2/5
Overall: 13/20

As a mashup of Dune and Aladdin this works, it was kind of fun to see Aladdin with catchtubes and lasguns. I like the idea of taking a story that feels very old and moving it to a futuristic time instead.

Where this falls down for me is that it feels as though your protagonists Bindu-evaded the plot. Aladdin made what might have felt like a fateful decision in the cave if it hadn't been basically the only decision. Apparently things happened that were unpleasant and when we return to the story he and Jasmine are walking when they're threatened by an overwhelming force but they know it'll be okay, it is, they walk off together. The plot entirely missed them.

Still this might have worked if the ideas applied to either Dune or Aladdin had been your own inventions, maybe it would have worked on a fresh-and-new worldbuilding level but that didn't seem to be there either. I also had to mark down a little for excess exclamation marks and misused elipses on the basis that if a story is submitted for publication those things are usually to be taken out.

Fun thought process, though, and a pleasant story.

epimetheus, _David and Goliath_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 5/5
Reac: 2/5
Overall: 17/20

While I personally don't agree with what you've written I'm going to say this is a pretty well-written satire! SpaG was clean other than a little typo (breathe should be breath) and the tone and voice were very consistent and effective for storytelling.

I'd have to say that if I went along with your premise I'd probably find this pretty funny. As it is my reaction was closer to alienation. But still well-crafted, good job!

ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord, _Army Man_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 5/5
Reac: 5/5
Overall: 20/20

This was an interesting entry to me because the army man could do very little except tumble from one thing to the next, yet was always central to the plot line. The story was convincing and significant. Good conversational tone and storytelling through thoughts carried the story securely throughout along with a little echo of Toy Story magic, a dash of wonder.

The only thing I might mention is that the story feels labored in spots though even then that doesn't hurt the story much as the plot is about a laborious journey. Also be careful of using ellipses to trail off. While that's common in online posts, the proper usage is to indicate missing words.

Very nice job.

undead_av, _The Exhibit_
SpaG: 5/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 5/5
Reac: 5/5
Overall: 20/20

There was a lot to like in this story. Rather than retelling the plot-points of The Little Mermaid I think you captured the depth of some of the emotions, especially fear, that the fairy tale glossed over in its telling. Really love the addition of Voodoo, it feels solid and along with the reference to Haiti anchors the events in place in the modern day. Good job with the missing tongues as a more physical indication of a bargain, reinforces the Voodoo idea.

The arc this followed was fairly simple in essence but surprising all the same, didn't see the switch back coming, I think partly because of attention on the Haitian man and the bit of flashback. Initially the story was a little confusing to me with the switching around but I don't think it lacks clarity.

Though it was a down ending it was good and it carried a message to be careful what you wish for.

BornForBurning, _Hellfire_
SpaG: 3/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Reac: 4/5
Overall: 16/20

I loved seeing Red in SF and this definitely answered the prompt. There was some good tension and conflict all great story-stuff. The verbs really get a workout throughout the story which is good with the action. One thing I particularly appreciate is that you managed an ironic ending (both a down ending and an up ending at the same time) which works well here.

There were a few suspect word choices that weakened good moments:
Damp tendrils of unconsciousness cloying at her mind..
The first four words were excellent description but you really have to stretch the meaning of 'cloying' to accept it in this sentence.
A huge Imperial battlecruiser leered wide in her vision,
Again, the usage is cockeyed to the meaning of the word. A case could be made but it was a stumble for me as the reader.
I was a little confused at first that she was being chased by Wolf but that he apparently wasn't there. Took me a re-read to understand that he's stalking her so I'm putting this in with the word choices.

Little typo, 'debri' should be 'debris'.

Little bit of clashing between narrative and POV:
She glanced out the viewport. Gasped, a small smile flickering across her face.
There is a temptation to describe the character's facial twitches as part of narration. Unfortunately it's distracting because as I'm here in my POV I'm not thinking about my expression, no one does. I would suggest that when you read this, try to edit to have the reader feel the sense of relif that you're trying to convey. Also, try gasping and having a smile flicker across your face at the same time, I imagine it might look a little funny and feel weird! Additionally, the sentence fragment doesn't really work.

There was a long silence. So long, Red felt strangely nervous. Then,
Again here you have this opportunity, yes, Red feels 'strangely nervous' but I don't. Make ME feel uneasy here. And “Then,” is not only a strange fragment but it doesn't really do anything. The next event will be on the next line without pointing it out.
_
Even though I mention these points I'll say the story was entertaining, it had a good arc, and I'd love to see it polished up a bit more._
Scores[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2="SueC"]Scores
(1) bdcharles, _The Clacking Bird_ 
*SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 5/5
React: 5/5**
Overall:  18/20*
*Review:* I thought this good! In some spots a little wordy, but all in all, it was a pretty decent rendition of a fairy tale. You met the prompt. I would suggest identifying the entrance of the _Electoress_ a little more clearly, though. I was halfway through her introductory paragraph before I realized I was no longer reading about the _Elector_. Fairy tales are often rife with irrational events, and this piece seems to comply with that norm. No SPaGs to comment on, other than a missing word here and there. I do like this, your rendition, and thanks for your entry, bd! 

(2) jenthepen, _Red Riding the Hood_ 
*SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 5/5
React: 5/5**
Overall: 18/20*
*Review: *This was a cute, super modern rendition of that fabled Red Riding Hood tale. You know, sometimes I wonder what was really behind those stories when they were first written. In your version, grandma was in on the deal and Red Riding hood wasn't so thoughtful after all, more concerned about money. The wolf was still bad. I think you did a good job with this; the prompt was met. I saw no real issues with spelling, grammar or punctuation. Thanks for your entry, jenthepen.

(3) hvysmker, _The True Story of Prometheus_ 
*SPaG: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 3/5
React: 4/5**
Overall: 16/20*
*Review: *While this was an interesting tale, it didn't really qualify as a "fairy tale." It is, I think, more along the lines of Greek mythology. The initial tale of Prometheus did have an account of the god's gift to man of fire, and he suffered greatly and continuously for that deed. I did enjoy the addition of Tabasco sauce and naming the eagle "Twinkie." Nice touch of humor there. In modern times, Heracles is known by the name of Hercules, so he also was a God that existed in mythology. I think you did a fair job with this story, and incorporated quite a bit of the original saga of Prometheus, putting  your own bend on it. No SPaGs to speak of. Thank you for your entry, hvysmker.

(4) rcallaci, _The Hill_ 
*SPaG: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 3/5
React: 4/5**
Overall: 16/20*
*Review:* This was an interesting "back story" for the nursery rhyme of "Jack and Jill," which, technically, is not a fairy tale as the prompt requested, although it is one of the Grimm Brothers' work. It was a fun read, with all the twists and turns that a genie, escaped from a bottle, might be able to provide. I really enjoy this type of writing, where anything goes and no explanation needed. You did a good job moving the story along and I saw no real issues with SPaG's or other structural issues. Thanks for  your entry, rcallaci.

(5) anonymous, _The True Pain of Destiny_ 
*SPaG: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
React: 4/5**
Overall: 17/20*
*Review:*  This was an interesting take on the story of Aladdin, which was a fairy tale of Middle Eastern origin. It was not a part of the original _Arabian Nights Tales_, but added at a later date. An interesting twist to replace the genie with something other than a three-wish entity, a giver of knowledge, was clever. There were some inconsistencies in the story line, however. When Aladdin asked to get out of the cave, the knowledge giver granted his wish, even though he had already said he didn't grant wishes. All-in-all this was a pretty good read. You kept the action moving and I detected no spelling or grammar issues. Good job here and thank you for your entry.

(6) epimethius, _David & Goliath_ 
*SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 3/5
React: 4/5**
Overall:  15/20*
*Review: * This is a re-telling of a biblical story, not a fairy tale as the prompt requested. I see the humor in what you are doing and I think with a little refinement this could be a pretty good story. I always think it is entertaining when we re-write stories from history, especially biblical history, which are vague at their best. Lots of blanks to fill in there, and this is a pretty good example of how it could work, although the score will reflect that it is, indeed, biblical and not fairy tale. 
There were some issues with punctuation, in that the words in italics could be construed as being spoken rather than the servant looking over the scribe's shoulder and reading what he'd written. If they were spoken, as in the scribe telling the servant what he is writing down, the quotation marks were not correct in a couple of spots. If you intended them to be viewed as _written_ words, then I think a short intro would make it more clear. (The scribed then wrote . . .). All in all, not a bad idea, epimetheus. Thanks for your entry.  

(7) ArrowintheBowoftheLord, _Army Man_ 
*SPaG: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
React: 5/5**
Overall:18/20*
*Review: * Arrow, this has so much potential. I really liked it, and I think if more words were allowed, it could be a really awesome story. The problem I have with this as written, though, is connectivity. I would like to see the memory issue of the little soldier enhanced more, so that readers would understand why he has a memory of actually being in war when he is just a toy ("generic brand from the discount store down the road"), and why he connects so warmly with the memories of the old man who picks him up off the garage floor. I feel the prompt was met. I hope you keep working on this one. Thanks for your entry.

(8) undead_av, _The Exhibit_ 
*SPaG: 5/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
React: 5/5**
Overall: 18/20*
*Review:* This was a little bit confusing read for me, but I liked it. Sometimes, 650 words are just not sufficient to convey enough of a story to give it a full impact. The girl Naomi is holding tightly onto her umbrella, but she is still able to sign with a stranger because she cannot talk. She is afraid of being seen, afraid of the rain - but she is there at the museum to see the mermaid that has been on the news. I read it a couple of times. The addition of the voodoo was great - something unexpected, but perfectly fit and adding to the darkness of the story. Inside the museum, the creature who was referred as a "she" was thought of as a "he" by Naomi, so that was a little confusing. You met the prompt of "Little Mermaid," by Hans Christian Anderson. Thanks for  your entry, undead.

(9) BornforBurning, _Hellfire_ 
*SPaG: 4/5
Eval: 4/5
Effect: 4/5
React: 4/5**
Overall: 16/20*
*Review: *I'm guessing this is a very, very loose rendition of Little Red Riding Hood, and the only reason I initially surmised that was because of the names "Red," and "Wolf." On secondary reading, there was more evidence of the original fairy tale. It was pretty well written and the story provided visuals that were easily seen. Some of the sentences were over-long, or over-loaded with descriptive devices, but all in all a good read. Thank you for your entry.
Scores[/spoiler2]



AuthorTitleFoxeexXxSuetotalPlacebdcharlesThe Clacking Bird15191817.333333JenthepenRed Riding the Hood16181817.333333hvysmkrThe True Story of Prometheus13161615rcallaciThe Hill19171617.333333Anonymous/MishThe Pain of Destiny13191716.33333epimetheusDavid and Goliath17191517ArrowintheBowoftheLordArmy Man20171818.333332Undead_avThe Exhibit20181818.666671BornforburningHellfire16191617Anonymous/xXx (JE)3 Gee Rough -- -- --



*

**FIRST PLACE: 

Un_dead for THE EXHIBIT - Wonderful job!



SECOND PLACE:

**ArrowintheBowoftheLord for ARMY MAN - Congratulations!



THIRD PLACE THREE: 

bdcharles for THE CLACKING BIRD - Yay!

jenthepen for RED RIDING THE HOOD - Good job!

rcallaci for THE HILL - Wow! 
*​


----------



## bdcharles (Apr 1, 2020)

Excellent stuff, well done guys. Undead_av seems to be making a habit of winning these things! Thanks judges and thank you Sue!


----------



## Ibb (Apr 1, 2020)

Congratulations to all involved, and a round of applause and gratitude once again to judges and hosts! I was scribbling up a plot for this month but ended up benching it due to dissatisfaction with the execution. Good thing, too. The stories here were excellent and I would have had my tushie kicked. Congrats, everybody.


----------



## undead_av (Apr 1, 2020)

Hey Sue! Thanks so much for running this challenge. I noticed that in xxx's scores, they actually gave Arrow 19 and me 17. I think that would put Arrow at #1.


----------



## Foxee (Apr 1, 2020)

WTG, well-deserved wins for some really good writing!

For all who participated a big thank you for doing the work. This isn't an easy challenge and to get that word count with a story by the deadline is worth a huge applause. 

*Thank you, writers!*


----------



## jenthepen (Apr 1, 2020)

Congratulations to everyone and an awesome job by all the judges too. Many thanks for all the hard work and organisation that goes to make this challenge so enjoyable.


----------



## epimetheus (Apr 1, 2020)

Thanks to the judges and well done to the winners.


----------



## Mish (Apr 1, 2020)

Congrats to all the winners and a big thank you to the judges for the feedback!

Some exceptionally good stories this time around.


----------



## rcallaci (Apr 1, 2020)

a fun contest-excellant writing all around- thanks to the judges and the ringmaster...

warmest
bob


----------

