# March 2017 - LM - Choose a Song - Scores



## kilroy214 (Apr 1, 2017)

*The Fantastical**danielstj**bdcharles**Pluralized*totalCandervalle141515.51615.125_Angel of the Morning
_by Tealynn101215.51713.6rcallaci1015161313.5Jane C.914171413.5Ibb11919.51112.6astroannie914131312.25_Desperado_
by Terry D89171412Godofwine----DQ*
Disqualified: Editing after the grace period​

Many good stories from many great songs. But alas, there can only be one winner, and this month, the podium is held by none other than the likes of...
*Candervalle* in 1st place with *The Confession of Sam Hall*
In 2nd place, *Tealynn *and *Angel of the Morning*
and in 3rd, we have a tie,* rcallaci *and *In the Land of Orange*, and *Jane C* with* Dear Kate
*Congratulations everyone! Hope to see you all back for next month's creamy pouchiness! You may now 'like', 'lol' or 'thank' any entry you may want. Let me know if I have made any mistakes.

And now the scores!

[spoiler2=The Fantastical's Scores]  *Anonymous 
“Desperado" 
* Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 3/10
 Overall : 8

*Review :*

 I think that you have translated the feel of the lyrics really well into story form. Taking all the right hints and putting them into the story. The story itself was also captivating, you feel trapped into doing nothing even as the child it mesmerized by the man and the gun until it is too late and his father is dead. 

 But where it failed was when you wrote the accents. They were distracting and all my concentration when into reading so that I had to re-read portions, once to get what was said, the other to get the story. I know that it is tempting to try when you are writing a piece set in a setting like the old west but even  Louis L'Amour great western writer that he is rarely did an accent and if he did do one… it was was a very light version of it. 

*astroannie  
“Melanie" *
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 3/10
 Overall : 9

*Review :*

 Weird Al! *yay* You certainly got the spirit of the song in your story. It was also interesting seeing it from the POV of the Melanie. However the story and the character of Melanie just felt very basic. The character was just a reaction to the events of Alfred. Same for the story. It was just a chronicling of her reaction without having any substance of it’s own. This was a fun read but it just felt more like a little snack bar than a really nice dessert. 

*Godofwine 
“I Drive Your Truck" *
 Spelling/Grammar: /5
 Tone/Voice: /5
 Effect: /10
 Overall : 

*Review :*

 Well that was depressing… one has to once again wonder about why world leaders start wars… ah yes… stupidity, the reason for all senseless and pointless acts of violence in the world. Good story; although I am not sure if you have really captured the heart of the song. The song seemed far more condemning of that fact that there was a senseless death, whereas in your story I feel that there is far more… Condemning a greater fate, rather than facing the real culprit, the war itself. 

*Candervalle 
“The Confession of Sam Hall" *
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5 
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall : 14

*Review : *

 A very good interpretation of the song. Loved the hinted at relationship between the Sheriff and Sam, also liked the commentary about the kind of people that would gawk and cheer at anothers death, however bad he may have been, there is no need to lower yourself to something that is no better than the one you have judged to be wrong. 

 The only moment that I had trouble with was this line -


“Sam’s face turned to a scowl as he addressed the mob at a roar.”					 


It was a oddly clumsy sentence in an otherwise wonderfully period piece. 

*JaneC 
“Dear Kate" *
 Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall : 9 

*Review : *

 I think that if I didn’t already know some of the backstory to the characters and their story I might have been a little lost reading this. You are just sort of thrown into this character’s life without much context. Having said that, it was well matched with the song.

*Ibb 
“Lose Yourself"* 
 Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect: 5/10
 Overall : 11

*Review :*

 I am going to assume that this is based off of Eminem’s song “Lose Yourself.” Although correct me if I am wrong, I am not that uptodate with music. 

 I liked it, I was a little confused in places as what was happening wasn’t so clear, mostly the beginning lines. I was unsure how he had fallen or why his leg had come off, or who most people were. However once I have read it over I really did enjoy the idea. 

 I think that you could have maybe worked in some more points of interest from the song. Although you made up for it with the break in the fourth wall at the end. 

*rcallaci 
“In the Land of Orange" *
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall : 10

*Review : *

 Not sure I liked it, but I get that it is a political satire for all intents and purpose. There wasn’t anything that jumped out at me to comment on, so… not really anything to say. 

*
“Angel of the Morning" *
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 3/10
 Overall : 10

*Review : *

 I love that song! Although I only know the version by The Pretenders. I a, not sure you really sure you entirely caught the spirit of the song, you got the possibly drunken mistakes or at least mistaken moment of judgement. But not sure about the whole, gonna die bit. Sort of doesn’t seem to suit the feel of the song which is rather more heartbroken, than anything else. 

 The story over all was good, there was a moment where it went a little loopy in the details - 

“He opened his mouth to say… something, but the room was empty.

 As he tried to figure out what had just happened, her face swam up through the murky depths of his pickled grey matter, and he felt himself beginning to rise. Thoughts fled and he stumbled back to the bar.”

This is explained at the end, so it now makes sense but at the time of reading the, there room was empty, her face swam into focus, bit was a little confusing. For a moment the context was lost and was only returned in the next scene.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=danielstj's scores]  *Anonymous
“Desperado"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice:  2/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall: 9/20

* Overall, I felt like you had room to make this a good piece but it was fairly generic and not as powerful as it could have been. There were some formatting errors and the dialogue was fairly uninspiring. This piece could have been a lot better in my opinion.

*godofwine
“I Drive Your Truck"
 Spelling/Grammar: /5
 Tone/Voice /5:
 Effect: /10
 Overall: /20*

 This story had some heart to it. You managed to paint a portrait of sorrow through your careful descriptions and you could almost feel the heartache seeping through the lines of the story. I really enjoyed it and felt that it had a lot to offer. The characters were believable and the emotions, in my opinion, were raw. These are good things. It was a pleasure to read.

*astroannie
“Melanie"
 Spelling/Grammar:  5/5
 Tone/Voice:  3/5
 Effect:  6/10
 Overall: 14/20*

 This was a fairly straightforward story and it had me kept on the edge of my seat until the ending—which I did not entirely understand. It felt like there was a lot of build-up and that, by the end; it was so anticlimactic that I was left with a certain lack of satisfaction. Nonetheless, you presented your story well.

*Candervalle
“The Confession of Sam Hall"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall:  15/20*

 This was an interesting story. Your dialogue was particularly sharp and the characters of Sam Hall, and the sheriff, were vivid. I am impressed how much you were able to describe with so little words. Your conception of Sam Hall was vivid and worth telling. A good story overall.

*JaneC
“Dear Kate"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice:  4/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall 14/20:*

 This was an interesting take at a story. It was intriguing to have the letter written to the principal character. You also managed to effectively portray several characters in a small space—so props for that. The twist at the end was a nice little touch as well. Good effort!

*Ibb
“Lose Yourself"
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice:  2/5
 Effect: 4/10
 Overall: 9/20*

 I feel that I did not fully understand the purpose of the piece. I think it was supposed to be humorous but it was a little too lackadaisical and strange for me to give it a higher rating than I have.  I was a little at a loss how to go about rating this piece but have done the best I could with it. It seems that you have a sense of structure but, in my opinion, the execution was off. Just my two cents!

*rcallaci
“In the Land of Orange"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 4/5
 Effect:  7/10
 Overall: 15/20*

 This was an interesting story. You drew me in with your first paragraph and kept my attention throughout. It was highly original and I liked the spin that you put on it. It was a fairly thorough and captivating story as a whole. Good job!

*Anonymous
“Angel of the Morning"
 Spelling/Grammar:  3/5
 Tone/Voice: 3/5
 Effect: 6/10
 Overall: 12/20*

 There were some formatting issues with this piece. As for the work itself, I was intrigued by the situation and felt that the ending was one of the best things about your piece. It was a fairly good piece, with some minor issues—in my opinion. Thanks for submitting!
 [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=bdcharles's scores]  *"Desperado"
 anonymous
* Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
 Effect:8.5/10
 Overall: 17/20

 Great voice on this piece - really authentic, but also also poetic. One of my favourite novels is "The Gunslinger" by Stephen King, and while that is more otherworld than this, it sets, to me, a gold standard for the weird-western genre that you definitely circle. Considering how easy it is to fall into a generic cowboy voice, the repeated motif - "Pa is gonna die" - raised it well above that level. There was something there that got me, hooked me in. I felt pain, and pain is good.

 Can I fault it? It's hard. The grammar abuse was spot on; nailed it. The only thing I wasn't sure about was whether your narrator-I would say: "The shooter’s voice was low and slick, like the green scum that builds up on the inside of a rain barrel." The sentence is too perfect gramatically for a start, too educated for the guy. Plus the simile doesn't quote work for me in that I cannot visualise, based on that comparator, what the voice sounds like. Can a voice sound like that sort of green scum? I just don't get it. Is a rain barrel a common touchstone in these parts? Why not a voice like a hog that got mean with the heat, or a voice like the preacher that came to town that time, the one that said, all reasonable and real cool, 'bout how we was all gonna buy it if we didn't take up an' follow him into Old Man Pitskey's barn. Something like that. You have a lot of canon for that sort of voice; draw from it.



*"Melanie"
 astroannie*
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 2.5/5
 Effect:6.5/10
 Overall: 13/20

 Your writing is entirely palatable; replete with prose which "Just Works" with a minimum of effort, getting us straight to the moment of interest. You switch effortlessly to dialogue to free indirect speech to straight narration, rolling us right through.

 The story pretty much parallels the events in the song though perhaps not the sentiment. It was cool. If you had wanted to really push the boat out you could have done something from the point of view of Alfred himself. Ever hear that song "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan? That's another one from the point of view of a stalker; the intensity, that murderous drive borne out of I don't even know what, twisted passion that cannot find a release - it's messed up. "Secret Smile" by Semisonic - point of view of a child sex offender, sung to a young victim. Then again, maybe that's cliche. The story ended a little abruptly for me. What was resolved? What was at stake? Dodgy text message; police trace it; figure out it's a cron job somewhere (one linux bod to another :wink: ) and sort it out. I dunno; I wanted more crazy pain. Then again, this is weird Al we're talking about...

 I liked this line: "I got a weird text today,” Melanie told her. “It looks like it's from Alfred.” Name-checking the man himself - like it, very clever.

 Gramatically good. You seem to have a habit of getting your dialogue punctuation about-face. Minor, but warrants a small mention.

“It says to call him,_[<- FULL STOP HERE, NO SPACE THERE ->]_ ” Melanie tapped the Callback button.

“Detective Schwartz here._[<- comma]_” came a strong tenor from the phone.

“Melanie Davis. I'm with my therapist, Lois Nixon. Can I put you on speaker?” She didn't wait but tapped the icon.

“Go ahead, Ms. Davis,” came the voice from phone._ [repeated dialogue tag from 2 lines back_]


*"I Drive Your Truck"
 Godofwine*
 Spelling/Grammar: /5
 Tone/Voice: /5
 Effect: /10
 Overall: /20

 Beautiful song. That poor guy, losing his brother (at first I thought it was his army buddy). Anyway, I've listened to that song, I'm in that mindset. You need to carry it along now. Let's see:

 First, again, nice voice. I can hear Mama. She's pretty well-depicted. It helps that I lived in Texas for some years so this really captures that (okay this is Georgia but Ok). Oh, and the radio DJ - the perfect words for that. You almost invoke the crackle and whine of a modulated frequency attenuating out over sparse miles of southland. Great stuff. Can't really fault the actual writing either. Grammar spot on.

 What, narratively, do you want to capture or achieve with this story? The memory of the brother, lost in war? As a dedication. I understand. I understand that this may be personal to you so, in writing generally, let every line do the events of the story the justice the story (or your motivation for writing) requires. Yes, you may be required to bleed but that's the only way to do it.

 This line: "He listened as his mother got out of bed and walked down the hallway toward the kitchen." Logistically of course it makes sense but it is just events. Read on for a sec.

 With this:
 "The embrace was powerful, but short. At a shade under five feet, Gracie Kelley was small, but she was tough, and didn’t like showing that she wasn’t.". You are telling, not showing. Take this toughness and put it into her walk down the hall, so you imbue that fact of moving about of people with some feeling or narrative relevance; eg:

 "He listened as his mother got out of bed and walked down the hallway toward the kitchen, pausing at the little table where, Tanner knew, his brother's army photo stood".

 Does that make sense? It's a subtle craft to make something as workaday as walking down a hallway an emotional or atmospheric touchpoint but once you get your head around it, it's not just easy but quite enjoyable to do. It's like another level of power to your writing, where you get to control (or even create) emotions by placing certain objects in key locations. Those objects might seem normal and fit the moment but they're carefully selected for a purpose.

 With this: “Why, God. Why.” I'm sorry to say this was a cringey moment. Be different. Be better. Have him seize the little plastic Jesus figurine on the dash, snap it from its dumb gluey base and throw it into the field as he's turning doughnuts and tearing up the crop. Again, you can represent the destruction of his faith (or at least a serious testing of it) very simply that way, with that chintzy little object.

 For myself, I think what I enjoyed most in this was your use of sound. The radio as I mentioned, the roaring of Betsy's engine - ah, the sound of metal driving metal under the hot hood. There really is nothing like it. Those things just really made this story shine.


*"The Confession of Sam Hall"
 Candervalle*
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 3.5/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 15.5/20

 Not a bad read by any stretch, and which pretty much mirrors Cash's song. I enjoy a good tale of a bad, bad man, like Desperado above, real hard-bit dude stuff. I love the humour in here too, with the bit about the confession being bunged up behind a good steak dinner, and the winking at the young woman. This voice reeks of wrought iron holy-rollerism, shots at salvation never taken. No SpaG issues that I could see apart from a place where a comma could optionally go. 

 In terms of style, "The sheriff shifted his weight to his back foot, not completely trusting in the strength of the irons." - a bit tell-y. What is the body language of somebody not trusting the irons? Is it important that he doesn't trust them? We get that Sam is a badass already. We don't need it reiterated.

 One thing to watch for is a tendency to write excessive "things doing things" sentences. I mean: "His face reacted to each charge in kind", "His sunburned face grew ever so slightly redder", "Sam pulled back and glared at the sheriff. The steely blue of his eyes shot out from harsh brows." - where you have two shorter sentences you could combine it into one more : "Sam pulled back and shot out a steel-blue glare at the sheriff from harsh brows." for instance. Saves you 3 words, keeps the stronger choices, and avoids repeating the glare/shot steely blue eyes action, both of which mean "look"; in effect you are saying "Sam looked at the sheriff. His eyes made looking motions."

 Watch also for sentences where things are busy was'ing; eg "He was not a small man nor was he a weak man.". What is happening here? Sam is, repetitively, being. He is existing. If you want to depict his size and strength, show it doing something. Use imagery rather than just saying "he was big": "Neither a small nor weak man, the chains groaned against his straining, trunklike arms." Again - saves three words, lets you paint that little bit more.


*"Dear Kate"
 JaneC*
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
 Effect: 7.5/10
 Overall: 17/20

 Interesting format, using a letter as your template. The twist, at the end, where the letter was from the reader herself, is pretty quirky. There is a very well-drawn out sense of rising tension that builds throughout; hints of goosebumps. Reminds me of Terminator for some reason :smile:

 I wasn't sure what the significance of the shifters were. Aside from the you-got-this message, this seems to be a fable of warning that could take place anywhere, and the shifters seem incidental to proceedings, and even if they aren't, they don't seem all that different to regular humans. Are they? Is that Kate's word for just bad people? Not sure. Who is Derrek? Is he like the John Connor from the future? I think it would have just got those 2 extra effect points if the sci-fi, daughter-of-the-stars-that-fill-the-sky (lovely phrase by the way) aspect of this had been amped up, to sit alongside the down-home man-done-beat-me Americana.


*"Lose Yourself"
 Ibb*
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 9.5/10
 Overall: 19.5/20

 Despite your apparent best efforts, I thoroughly enjoyed this. Brilliant start. And "shockwave of fury" - nice! I have no idea what's going on in a good way. It's wacky, strange, fast. Exactly how are you expected to act when losing yourself? I really don't know.

 "it’s only ever a matter of time before someone of this ilk starts to lose himself - not just in the moment, but all moments" - yes of course! Wait, what? Yes! Of course! Crazy voice. Totally nuts. Love the guys in the apple store, I really just love everything about this. Your phrasing is on point and flawless. You capture perfectly the simplest thing - phone swipes, shocked parents, mallrats - in about two words and then bam, you move on. Awesome job. I wish I cold write with this much snap. And the end - yeah, just fuck it. Throw the comp. I had a great laugh with this.

 I think just one gripe is: make sure your prose doesn't leak overwrites. Eg: "but this time the mothers were ready for him" <- you can scratch the "for him". Nothing lost, pace gained.

 PS. I read this whole thing and commented before I realised there is no song link or title. Was it Eminem's "Lose Yourself"? I like to think so.


*"In the Land of Orange"
 rcallaci*
 Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 16/20

 Yay! It's Jump-Jap-Jibby-Jab-Jo and his bayou-dwelling weirdo compadres! Folks, we gots zombies, we gots crawdads (again), we got us a' whoa lotta drainin' of the swamplands. It's as if Mister Terrence Pratchett rizzed up 'neath a harvest moon and set to lurchabouts', sayin ree-volushan from under him ole black hat.

 "Deep in bayou country in the heart of the marshlands" - in, in, in. Why not "Deep in the heart of the bayou marshlands"

 alligators’<- what's that?!

 "Hell and Earth are at a dire crossroad." -> great expression mm-hmm

 Things needed to be set straight,[<- why the comma splice? If you ommitted the repeat "needed to be" it could work] the Monster Orange needed to be squeezed dry.

 Love the song. Haven't listened to Steppenwolf for time. In the context of Trump, it's pretty grim.


*"Angel of the Morning"
 Anonymous*
 Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
 Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
 Effect: 7.5/10
 Overall: 15.5/20

 This was great and funny. These lines:
 "Jerry wobbled as he attempted to make sense of the conversation he wasn’t certain he was actually having."
 "Jerry looked at his left hand long enough to bring the cheap gold band into focus."
 "Happy Hour had turned plural."
 "It had been hours of great 70’s porn and he’d been the star!" Oh my gosh, that's got to be the winner.
 But they are all genius.

 Again, a couple of dialogue punctuation drops but not really a big issue.

 I did think the endy bit came round a bit quick with a too-sudden change of pace. What started, and largely continued, as quite a comedy piece is now a morality tale, which I think you needed to build up to a little smoother. There were a few grammar trip-ups too - dialogue punctuation and so forth.  [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Pouch Cream's Scores]  Thanks for having me as judge, people - hope whoever wins does benevolent things with their new powers. Sorry for any perceived harshness but that's just what comes out of my fingers sometimes. Hugs!

 Desperado
 Anon
 Spag: 5
 Voice: 4
 Effect: 5
 Score: 14

 This has some good old-timey tone to it, and I thought some flavor too. Pretty even-tempered piece with its own unique sort of scenery which I thought worked to establish some level of characterization for your narrator…

Not sure about the narrative voice, to be honest. It’s like you make a decision with this kind of dialect, and you have to make it blend in. This never blended in for me, and the apostrophes and weird constructions just made it seem like it tried way too hard. Came off like Goofy (Disney) was narrating. The tense is all over. Recommend reading some McCarthy or Faulkner and really let it soak in how the subtleties have to be subtle and that’s what crafts the authenticity.

 Probably Hisker/Husker, the ‘shinny’ boots, and those kinds of small errors compounded the issue and I thought there were a lot of words going to describe chairs and name the saloon and talk about rock candy and thus we didn’t move as far down the path as I’d hoped. Short arc, even for flash. That said, it’s got personality and tone and I think potential as a scene in a larger piece (couldn’t read much more in that tense-shifting voice though). Might also have to do with being told in the opening line what is going to happen at the end.

 I see’d Capt’n Husker give that man two, ten-dollar gold pieces to shoot ‘im. – Hisker? Husker? Also the comma after two felt wrong.

 unless'n – too much

 I got a good look at his Colt. It’s black as Death’s asshole – all over black ‘cept for a silver lightnin’ bolt sunk inta the butt.  – Cool gun – but for some reason the use of a black asshole just didn’t do it any favors. In this tone, with the obvious old-time flavor, probably could have used the inside of Death’s cloak or maybe some such black thing. Maybe even black as Alice Cooper’s asshole.

 kinda unfolded up outta that chair – I really liked this, got the image well of a tall man standing up.


 Melanie
 Astroannie
 Spag: 5
 Voice: 3
 Effect: 5
 Score: 13

 The story wasn’t hard to read, flowed well. Mostly dialogue, so I guess probably compact enough – so much ado about this text message, for me I thought probably worth spending a few sentences to fatten up the stakes. I kept feeling like there was some aspect of this story that I should get because maybe pop culture references? Maybe something related to Weird Al that would help explain why this text message (aside from being from beyond the grave from a dead stalker) should matter.

 I did find an interesting epiphany while reading this piece, and that is how our society both places immense value on a few words flashing across a device, yet allow those in power to act as if words don’t matter at all. Interesting dichotomy and overtones of more sociological patterns we cannot possibly explore in 650 words. But I digress.

 The ending fell way flat for me and I just didn’t really get a story here, but did get a quick, rather tidy conversation. Just found it hard to care what happened next, if I’m honest.

 Technically pretty sound, though with all the dialogue that becomes the focal point and every slip of punctuation sticks out like a sore Alfred. There are commas where full stops ought be, extra spaces here and there, possessive apostrophe issues, but I don’t think any of that would detract from the story if it had a bit more meat on its bones.

 I Drive Your Truck
 GodofWine
 Spag: 
 Voice: 
 Effect: 
 Score: 

 Man, I just want to say, there’s no good way to know as anonymous internet-folk if we’re actually treading across a story here based on the death of a friend of yours or someone you knew, so please take my preemptive apologies for any critique on the story – nothing here is intended to devalue or otherwise disrespect the loss of life.

 I have perhaps a bit of a jaded eye on this one: I used to work in Cabbagetown and know the area well. I spent time around the Atlanta metro for nearly a decade. So it felt a little bit like being hit over the head with the references to Krog St, Cabbagetown, the radio station, and then the Braves cap.

 I’ll just mention this quickly and move on: you edited the story one minute after grace period ended – bad boy!

 The premise here shines, in that it follows the sentiment of your chosen song extremely well. Truthfully, it probably follows too closely that singular sentiment, but it’s a powerful one and again I say, it probably is something I am unqualified to speak to. So I’ll just say it’s effective in that regard.

 From a technical perspective it could be tightened up a lot. Felt like there were moments of promise, but overall felt like a bag of elbows rolling down a hill. Bear with me and I will attempt to point out what didn’t seem to work:

 He listened as his mother got out of bed – This is an odd bit of filtering and an example of where you could tighten up. The POV doesn’t require us to be aware that ‘he listened’ – just march the mother out and save yourself the words.

 I ordered one of those cakes from Krog Street Market in the bakery. – “in the bakery” is another elbow sticking out. No need. In fact, probably no need to name the store either if we’re talking importance of details.

 and tear tracks streaked the old woman’s face – tear tracks streaked – lots of conflicting tonality bunched up – it makes my inner reading-machine flinch. Say ‘tear tracks streaked’ and see how it sounds out loud.

 He opened his arms to hug her and the tiny woman buried her face in the big man’s barrel chest, his thick beard covering her hair. – I think this sentence is chock-full of imagery. Too much, in fact. I think we lose the important thing – the hug – and are asked to focus on things that don’t matter. Like his giant beard covering her entire head.

 At a shade under five feet, Gracie Kelley was small, but she was tough, and didn’t like showing that she wasn’t. – Textbook example of a detail better implied through imagery. Same goes for this: Tanner left without saying a word; both he and his mother unwilling to show their vulnerabilities to each other.

 He hopped in Betsy, put the key into the ignition and turned. With a loud roar, Betsy started as she always did; the dog tags on the rearview jingled, and the radio cut on as the truck rumbled and came to life. – Take a look at this passage. Lots of valuable, delicious words used up on starting the truck. It’s understandable, as we want Betsy to become her own character, but might be a more concise way to get to the same place (and do a more convincing job connecting us to the truck).

 looked at the folded Army shirt in the backseat – Like the multiple references to Atlanta, this felt like being smacked in the belly with a wet fish. Like the dog tags wouldn’t get us there – we needed this shirt to make sure we know this guy’s brother died in the military. Blame the song, I s’pose.

 He rolled down the windows, stared at the high grasses beyond the grill of the 2000 F-150 that ran for nearly a mile behind the community center, and floored the gas pedal. Betsy roared, knocking dry grasses flat like a lion in pursuit of a zebra. Wild birds took to the air as she blazed a trail through the field. – The F-150 ran for nearly a mile? Or the high grasses did?

 The tires and rocks both screamed in protest – Didn’t really get the sound of rocks screaming in protest. Maybe a bit over the top here.

 With a muscled forearm, he wiped the tears away and pushed Betsy harder, the roar now deafening, the grasses bowing to her will and she spun out one final time. He jammed on the breaks and Betsy came to a jarring halt. – I found the relevance of his muscled forearm to be questionable, though maybe again trying to nail this image into our brains of an ex-military dude? Also the grasses bowing to her will might be in the same elbow-bag as the screaming rocks from before. Breaks >> Brakes

“Why, God. Why.” – Clichéd and melodramatic, but probably effective enough.

 I think the potential within the storytelling here deserves more careful construction of the prose, and more thought needs to be given to what exactly we are trying to convey. Basically a guy hugs his mom, hauls ass in a truck, and is sad. For that to be the basis of the plot motion, you did a good job overall. Forgive me for the harshness in my critique here – I just think there is magic hiding somewhere that one just needs patience to discover. Can’t argue that you’ve incorporated the elements of the song nicely.

 The Confession of Sam Hall
 Candervalle  
 Spag: 5
 Voice: 4
 Effect: 7
 Score: 16

 Smooth, easy read. Not bad – wished you had utilized the full word count to help flesh out why the Sheriff and our Sam are not able to work out some kind of redemption (aside from the fact Sam’s an evil SOB) – is Sheriff his brother, or dad? Might have missed an important piece there but still not getting the significance.

 Felt excerpt-ish like this could be a scene from a much larger piece vs. having a plot all its own. The ending felt too predictable and I just can’t help wondering if there’s more to this I’m supposed to understand but either I’m too dense or the message is too oblique. While you probably couldn’t ask for a better gallows scene, there could probably be some trade-off between narrative present dialogue and a wee bit of backstory to help feed the plot beast. As-is, I think you get off too easy.

 Almost error-free, though a few sentences could have used tightening – voice was good, but more interesting word choices could really spice this one up. Nice work incorporating elements of that awesome song – great effort overall.

 the preacher who took his queue and walked up – I think cue vs. queue

“Am I not able to hold my liquor?” – I thought clunky-ish. “Can I hold my liquor?” – but then again you had word count to spare with this one.

 Dear Kate
 JaneC
 Spag: 4
 Voice: 5
 Effect: 5
 Score: 14

 I really love this song. In fact, I just added it to my ‘Fonky Shit I Like’ playlist, so thanks.

 Great story – some probably will complain about the 2[SUP]nd[/SUP]-person letter format as it’s been done a lot and makes for a convenient packaging method for flash fiction. But I think not a bad effort in that vein.

 My biggest issue here is the narrative promise that is never fulfilled. A ‘shifter’ is obviously non-human, but beyond that we have no clue. So all this convincing she’s doing to hammer home the point that ‘she’s human’ is energy expended, in my view, for little return on investment. Especially given the heavy child abuse/molestation thing happening – there is fertile ground for building characterization and then using that leverage to make something big and poignant happen.

 So I think this could be great if there were some revelatory element at the end or some tension to be built and therefore momentum in the narrative. Just didn’t wow me like I thought maybe it was going to in the end.  

 Technically pretty good. Just a few rambling bits of text that seemed to need trimming and tense issues:

 I know everyone around you keeps treating you differently, looking at you like you’re weak; but you’re not. Remember that. Remember what you’ve been through. They don’t know. No one knows. – I see valuable words being spent like hundred-dollar-bills at a strip club.

 You knew right away it wasn’t what you hoped. – had hoped

 He was a combination of all the worst men you ever met. – had ever met

 Lose Yourself
 Ibb
 Spag: 5
 Voice: 4
 Effect: 2
 Score: 11

 This is a cheeky, entertaining piece, though obviously truncated and ridiculous. Reminds me of the first piece I entered in the “Bubbles” competition some years back, wherein my grandfather goes all flashback and we have to go to blows. Didn’t score well, as I recall.

 The kid saying “Yo” and how you wove in elements of the song (not just in the moment, but all moments) did work, though very short-lived and not nearly redeeming enough in the face of where we ended up.

 Also I should ask – why did you post this in the public thread and the private thread without linking as others did? If you need explanation on how to do that in future, please PM.

 He looked down at himself to discover his entire left leg disappeared. – had disappeared

 The man was one of those unfortunate sorts who mistook self-sufficiency to mean denial of assistance in all circumstances, and therefore had developed a personality reluctant to the influence of others. – What the hell is our narrator doing talking like this? Doesn’t fit the flippant storyline.

 With only 33 words remaining, the concerned youth wasted no time in stitching the limbs back onto his limbless friend. – This is witty. I like.

 Overall I feel the quality of the writing and underlying skill of the writer could be put to better use and there’s a disappointment in seeing it end like this. Especially with hours to spare until deadline. Next time, get that Kung-Fu Popcorn scene written in please.

 In the Land of Orange
 rcallaci
 Spag: 3
 Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Score: 13

 Link didn’t work for me to watch the video, but I know the song – fitting to today’s times for sure.

 So, let me try to put some sort of coherent thoughts on this piece. Er.. I  - well, it’s like… hmm. The allegorical parody of it all. It’s timely, funny, just comes with a Pickleprick-load of crazy and felt like I was strapped to a minecart hurtling down into a hole in the earth. Uncomfortable, especially when trying to reconcile what Shannon/Bannon had in store for DumpleFrump/Trump and who the Lady Satanna was supposed to be in this wild little tale. Melania? Still, wacky and way out there for me – just a few sammiches short of a full picnic. Potential is there for some on-point political satire but I just struggled with the pacing and the alliteration. The flow of the prose could be tuned up and I think the overall objective tightened up to see about hitting the target more closely.

 I have to commend you on having the balls to write and submit something like this – it’s definitely refreshingly fun. I think my issue with the story probably resembles any sane person’s attempt at trying to understand the cluster-fuckery we are witnessing in the government at present – so maybe you actually have displayed a level of genius unseen in these parts for some time, and congratulations are in order!

 Most of the spagnits were spacing issues, punctuation, spaces between the quotation mark and adjoining word, etcetera:

 it will be easier to gut him while his muscles are stretched to its limits. – stretched to their limits

 the Lady Santana, the Devil Incarnate, has been kidnapped by this gloating buffoon. Mephistopheles unwittingly led Satanna – Santana vs. Satanna

 Land of Orange turn red with his blood” – punctuation at end missing

 said,” You’ve done well. – spacing fault

 unzomify the zombies – un-zombify or unzombify

 my leave. ” – spacing fault

 He said” Why are you leaving me! Comma missing and quotation mark spacing fault

“So true, so true” said Yeshiva. – comma missing

 Angel of the Morning
 Anon
 Spag: 5
 Voice: 5
 Effect: 7
 Score: 17

 Hey, kind of a cool take on a drunken night out. Pretty well written story, has some flavor and variety, and moves along at a nice pace. Good job with this one. Is the song supposed to be obvious to me? Just call me Angel, of the... goddammit! I think my mom used to rock that one in the 80s when she was vacuuming on Saturday mornings. Gah! Just brush my teeth before you leave me, bay-beh! Sorry - now I got it.

 I would only say, if I’m understanding the piece correctly, that this angel really lost her wings to get a piece of nasty old Jerry? And he had to die at the mercy of whatever deity is steering these angels, but was allowed to get ‘hours of 70’s porn’ in the can before this revelation? Awesome – that’s how I want to die.

 Seriously – perhaps a bit too convenient that he’s sloshed but can somehow perform these sex acts, sloshed enough to cheat on his wife, but still coherent enough to remember what’s happened. Not a problem, necessarily, just noticeably convenient. And what was Jerry going on about at the beginning while taking a leak – none of the guys are gonna believe what, exactly? Trying to work out whether he’s seeing this Jessica Rabbit angel lady for the first time in the restroom or earlier, out in the bar. I wonder how many people under a certain age will get the Jessica Rabbit reference – just thinking out loud.

 Good job – unique piece if a bit odd at the end. Makes me wonder if he’d lived and had to face his wife, perhaps with a piece of feather sticking out of his shirt or the smell of angel on him.

 Technically very well written and nothing really jumped out at me as a nit beyond maybe one or two comma choices and hyphenation stuff (bourbon-infused). Even-tempered voice, decent mix of dialogue and exposition, good pacing. Probably biggest squawk for me is wanting to know more about his wife and why he’s at the bar in the first place chasin’ feathers.

 the question infiltrated his drunken musings. He jerked away from the reeking urinal and tried to focus on the shadowy figure standing next to the hand dryers. – Many descriptors. Noticeable, is all.

 Happy Hour had turned plural. – Yes! I love it when that happens.  [/spoiler2]...errr, I mean Pluralized's


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## Pluralized (Apr 1, 2017)

Congratulations, Candervalle! Great job on your story. And even better job on that magnificent avatar of yours.

Congrats also to the runners-up here and to all who entered.

Thanks to K-Rizzle and the other judges. It's been an honor.


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## rcallaci (Apr 1, 2017)

thank you all--enjoyed and learned a few tidbits from the judges--thanks for taking the time to read my little swamp of a story--- as always thanks to kilroy for his his hosting duties and to our winner Cantervalle--my song link was bad-- but the song 'monster' is right on the money for our current times.


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## JaneC (Apr 1, 2017)

Congrats, Candervalle! and thank you to all the judges and Kilroy for hosting! I love doing these every month!


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## Bard_Daniel (Apr 1, 2017)

The entries always make judging these contests worthwhile. I had a good time reading and scoring. 

Congrats to the winners and thank you to all who entered! : D


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## aj47 (Apr 1, 2017)

Thank you judges, your comments were spot on as always.

Congrats to the winners.  And I'm smiling because I have better numbers than Terry D.


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## Candervalle (Apr 2, 2017)

Pluralized said:


> Congratulations, Candervalle! Great job on your story. And even better job on that magnificent avatar of yours.
> 
> Congrats also to the runners-up here and to all who entered.
> 
> Thanks to K-Rizzle and the other judges. It's been an honor.




Thank you Pluralized. Mr. Welles is my spirit animal. Truth be told, I came to appreciate him from an old animated show  (The Critic).

Thank you to all the other judges, fellow writers, and organizers of this month's LM! This is a great competition and I always enjoy seeing how much variety and imagination that can come from a simple prompt. You all inspire me to fool around with words, and hopefully someday I can return the favor.


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## The Fantastical (Apr 2, 2017)

Congratulations to Candervalle and to the other winners!


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## bdcharles (Apr 2, 2017)

Nice job Candervalle! Was a pleasure to read and judge all these entries.


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## Terry D (Apr 2, 2017)

Thanks to everyone who participated this month. Special congrats go out to the winners, and of course the judges. Cool stories.


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