# When You Cry



## Ariel (Dec 14, 2012)

_I'm actually really nervous posting anything as it's been so long since I've been critiqued.  I think there's another stanza in this somewhere but it's still percolating--I'm partial to bite-sized poetry anyway.


_
You're beautiful when you cry
erases the paint and polish,
leaves you naked and raw.
Stripped down trembling
soul.  Bare as trees in snow.


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## Angel101 (Dec 14, 2012)

My main concern with this is the syntax, especially because it's such a short piece. It sticks out, particularly moving from the first line to the second. I would suggest connecting those lines better. As a whole I like the image, but I almost feel that you kept repeating yourself. You could have simply said, "You're beautiful when you cry,/ bare as trees in snow." That image creates a true sense of what you've tried to elaborate without you explaining it to your readers. Let us do a little work. I'm not necessarily saying you should make the poem even shorter, but perhaps add another demension to the image. Hope that helps. Sorry for the short critique!

Bay


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## Ariel (Dec 14, 2012)

I see what you're saying about the repetition.  Hopefully it'll move onwards soon.  Thanks.

Oh, and your video was hilarious.


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## Abbey08 (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi. I'm partial to bite-sized poetry as well. I really like Bay's suggestion, which is 2/3's of the way to an American Sentence. Yes, I'm partial to them. I'd like to suggest that you look into American Sentences as something to "try on" and maybe use when you rewrite this.

Lorraine


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## Don V Standeford (Dec 17, 2012)

amsawtell said:


> _I'm actually really nervous posting anything as it's been so long since I've been critiqued.  I think there's another stanza in this somewhere but it's still percolating--I'm partial to bite-sized poetry anyway.
> 
> 
> _
> ...



I actually liked the piece as it is except for use of line and maybe the first word should be "You are." Maybe something like:

You are beautiful
when you cry, it erases
the paint and polish,
leaves you naked and raw,
stripped, trembling soul;
bare as trees in snow.

or maybe,

You're beautiful when you cry;
it erases the paint and polish,

leaves you naked and raw
stripped down trembling soul

Bare as trees in snow.


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## Ariel (Dec 19, 2012)

Don, I like the second treatment you gave her there but I thought I would try my hand at an American sentence and having never heard of them before I googled the form.

Please correct me if I misunderstand, but it is one sentence written across the page and contains only seventeen syllables?

Here is my quick attempt:

Mascara runs and he says, "beautiful when you cry--bare as trees in snow."


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## Abbey08 (Dec 19, 2012)

amsawtell said:


> Don, I like the second treatment you gave her there but I thought I would try my hand at an American sentence and having never heard of them before I googled the form.
> 
> Please correct me if I misunderstand, but it is one sentence written across the page and contains only seventeen syllables?
> 
> ...



Hi. Yes, you understand the gist of the American Sentence. Now to your sentence: You have a word missing in my opinion; I would definitely put 'you're' back in. You want to remember the economy of the American Sentence; articles are sometimes optionally left out. In this case, leaving out 'and' gives you the opportunity to insert 'you're.' That creates the sentence: Mascara runs; he says "You're beautiful when you cry--bare as trees in snow."

Keep reading American Sentence examples; I have a link that is an assortment of well-done and not-so-well-done sentences. I'll see if I can find it; it's embedded in a thread on another forum. Good first try.

Lorraine


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 20, 2012)

I kind of like the original. The only problem I had was "erases" at the beginning of the second line. If I had to change it, it would be something like what is below. As Lorraine correctly reminds me though -_ this is your poem_. Overall I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for being brave and sharing!

You're beautiful when you cry.
Your tears soften painted polish,
leaving you naked and raw.

Stripped down trembling
soul. Bare as trees in snow.


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## ktee (Jan 10, 2013)

To those in the know, is there a link you can provide to properly explain an American Sentence? I too had never heard the term before and my google search wasn't helpful.


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## Kevin (Jan 10, 2013)

ktee said:


> To those in the know, is there a link you can provide to properly explain an American Sentence? I too had never heard the term before and my google search wasn't helpful.


  here's one: American Sentences | Paul E Nelson


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## Kevin (Jan 10, 2013)

Splabman said:


> Kevin,
> 
> Can you link to a better resource on American Sentences? If this is not the best, can you specify why it isn't?
> 
> ...


 Sorry. It may be the best. I like it, a lot. My post sounded negative and I shall redact. I'm going back there (link) to read some more...


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## Ariel (Jan 10, 2013)

I didn't take it as negative.  I like both versions of this poem personally but think it can be worked even more somehow.

Thanks for all of the feedback.


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## ktee (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for the American Sentence link. Very interesting approach to poetry. 

@ amsawtell, if you end up reworking your poem into American Sentence I'd love to read it. It's a lovely poem as is, and I'd be curious to see what the change would be like with a strict structure.


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## Segrotlo (Jan 10, 2013)

Bare as trees in snow.

It almost seems awkward to say but you make it work.  A fine summary too.  I am sure you can add another stanza.


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## Ariel (Jan 11, 2013)

amsawtell said:


> Here is my quick attempt:
> 
> Mascara runs and he says, "beautiful when you cry--bare as trees in snow."



This is the poem rewritten as an American Sentence.  It has been reworked since then but I want to keep that one to myself for a while.


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## Abbey08 (Jan 11, 2013)

amsawtell said:


> This is the poem rewritten as an American Sentence.  It has been reworked since then but I want to keep that one to myself for a while.



Share it! Share it now! 

Lorraine

Just playing with you Ams; couldn't resist  Looking forward to it when you're ready.


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## Ariel (Jan 11, 2013)

Actually, other than the changes you suggested I don't see much wiggle room in the poem as an American Sentence.  I'm looking at trying other micro-forms for it.  Maybe a tanka or haiku.


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