# Life sucks then you fly



## playerslayer666 (Jul 10, 2016)

My heart breaks. My soul aches. I see the world as nothing but fake.

Troll ass fools hiding behind a screen name. They don't have any concept of shame.

The world is at the war, yet life's still a game. All we care about is our internet fame.

I don't know what to do. sometimes I feel scared, yet I can't remember a time when I truly cared.

I don't know how to thrive, I only stay alive. My family has struggled since nineteen eighty five.

Some people think life sucks. Some have all the luck.

as for me? Well I stopped giving a..... Damn


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## escorial (Jul 10, 2016)

this is more prose..or non-fiction in style..the end was a bit blunt..i think the last line would sound better at the start  and let the piece unfold to a more open feel....


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## Darkkin (Jul 10, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> My heart breaks. My soul aches.
> I see the world as nothing but fake.
> 
> Troll ass fools hiding behind a screen name.
> ...




Take time to do a basic proofread and format.  Do not plop prose on the poetry boards.  Above, is a thirty second edit of your original piece.  Basic rhymed couplets, not hard to put together.  Take five minutes and put in the time.  We are not copy editors.

As to content.  It reads as a rather lackluster rant.  No power, emotion...Merely resignation.  A shrug, if you will.  You rail about trolls behind screen names.  Hopefully this is not aimed at members of this forum.  Put the piece into context.  Show more, tell less and consider your medium. Does the rhyme support your message or make it a singsong mockery?   

As I have told others before, shoving prose into a vertical matrix does not make a poem.  Having a rhyme scheme, again, does not automatically make it a poem.  These are merely elements of poetry.  And poetry is about the Gestalt, the whole, not the sum of its parts.

You need to engage the reader's empathy, which is something this really piece struggles to do.  It has me asking, what makes this poem any different than the millions of other pitying laments posted to the internet?  What makes this piece worthy of receiving the reader's empathy more than another?  There is no heart or fire, why should the reader care, when it is clear the writer doesn't.  Why even take the time to read it?  You need to give the reader a reason to invest their time.  

Personally, pieces of this sort tend to irritate me.  People are what they make of themselves.  We are here to give you a hand up, but we are not going to move your hand so you can blow your nose.  You have two hands, a good brain.  Cognitive function.  You know how to read, to write.  Not everyone has that.  It makes me want to scream:  _Do something with it!  Forget the pity party and stand on your own two feet.  Stand up for yourself._

Yeah, life is tough, but life is also what you make of it.  Circumstances are what we come from, they are not our defining characteristics.  Might be idiotic, but I give a damn about writing, poetry in particular.  Gives me something to focus on, a purpose.  Even if you don't give a damn, respect the forums and your own abilities, find your fire.

- D. the T.


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## jenthepen (Jul 10, 2016)

This doesn't read like prose to me. It has a rap feel about it and the rhythm is strong. I can imagine a beat playing behind it as it is read aloud.

The quick change of word in the last line made me laugh.

Good poem - I enjoyed it. Thanks for posting.

jen


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## playerslayer666 (Jul 10, 2016)

jenthepen said:


> This doesn't read like prose to me. It has a rap feel about it
> jen



Todays rap is such garbage..... Thank you for your comment.

Darkkin. I don't even know how to begin responding to your post. Just reading it only reminds me of what little I know about writing in general. Thank you for your words of wisdom, even though it might take me a few times of reading it to truly understand what you mean.....


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## jenthepen (Jul 10, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> Todays rap is such garbage..... Thank you for your comment.



Is it? Forgive me, I certainly didn't mean to suggest that your poem was garbage. Your work has merit, as I said. Remember, the finer points of writing can be learned - passion and imagination can't. Don't ever give up.

jen


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## PrinzeCharming (Jul 10, 2016)

*Hey, *

This is just confirmation that I read it. I am going to work with you in your private group on this. See you there!


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## Darkkin (Jul 10, 2016)

Slayer,


You have a natural rhythm with the piece, a good feel for line breaks, also known as enjambment.  By utilizing the natural breaks indicated by your punctuation, you set up a basic structure and rhyme scheme.  The brief edit I did involved nothing more than the enter button.  The way you have the original set up is more akin to prose than poetry.  And one major aspect of poetry is its visual construct.  

When you have three rhymed lines running one into the other forming a one line stanza, you diminish the visual impact of the piece.  A stanza of poetry doesn't need to be only a single line.  By framing the rhyme scheme you have, you not only highlight the element, but you also clarify your medium to the reader.

Poetry is about the emotion, you can be as raw and fierce as you want.  And therein lies the crux of the issue with your piece.  You have a plethora of generalized statements, observations that have been made countless times before.  You need to go beyond generic, make your voice heard.  Fly in the face of the shameless trolls, be genuine with your voice.  Don't give a damn about the naysayers.  It comes down to context and there is potential for amazing juxtaposition if you prove context.

Your piece can go either way.  You can rally a battle cry, a voice ringing clear and true...Words that fly off the screen and into the hearts and minds of readers or continue with the shrug and the tone of: 'Why bother...'

And in all honesty...We want your words to soar, not fall.


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## ned (Jul 10, 2016)

hello -  My heart breaks. My soul aches. - what on Earth could have gone wrong?
oh....just some people you don't like on the internet, and easily avoidable...

The world is at the war - this is more like it, so, what have you got to say?
nothing - back to the precious internet, the only thing the narrator seems to care about.

sometimes I feel scared - of what? this might be more interesting to explore

 I can't remember a time when I truly cared.
Well I stopped giving a..... Damn                         

could say this is repetative, but can you see how these lines are not consistant?

comes across as a rather unfocused and unambitious diatribe...
which strangely, seems to cut against the simplistic advice of your own signature
and what happened to the flying in the title?

good job on the rhyming and rhythm...which gives this poem a much needed lift

and you do give a damn.....or else you would not have written and posted this poem
whatever it takes to get inspired....keep at it.

Ned


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## playerslayer666 (Jul 11, 2016)

I woke up and spent like 20 or 30 minutes on this poem. I don't even know why I bothered posting when I knew it was short and dumb. I think I only did this to prove to myself I could. I've never written a poem before.

yea it's slightly personal. While it seems random and unfocused it's mostly about things that piss me off.

i'm half tempted to delete it because I wrote it when I wasn't feeling well. I swear I have two separate thought processes going on in my head at all times. Does that sound crazy? I don't know if it's depression or if I've lost most of my mind.


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## Carly Berg (Jul 11, 2016)

I agree with Jen. It does sound like rap and I found myself snapping my fingers to it. I didn't know you'd think that was bad. Sorry!


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## Harper J. Cole (Jul 11, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> I woke up and spent like 20 or 30 minutes on this poem. I don't even know why I bothered posting when I knew it was short and dumb. I think I only did this to prove to myself I could. I've never written a poem before.
> 
> yea it's slightly personal. While it seems random and unfocused it's mostly about things that piss me off.



Don't feel bad about posting it. It does show how you're feeling, which is one of the things a poem should do. Keep at it, and you'll find you get better and better. This was better than my first try.



> i'm half tempted to delete it because I wrote it when I wasn't feeling well. I swear I have two separate thought processes going on in my head at all times. Does that sound crazy? I don't know if it's depression or if I've lost most of my mind.



I can't really say from this distance ... there are always professionals you can speak to if you're unsure. I've found that helpful in the past.

Love the avatar, by the way!

*HC*


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## PiP (Jul 11, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> I woke up and spent like 20 or 30 minutes on this poem. I don't even know why I bothered posting when I knew it was short and dumb. I think I only did this to prove to myself I could. I've never written a poem before.
> 
> yea it's slightly personal. While it seems random and unfocused it's mostly about things that piss me off.
> 
> i'm half tempted to delete it because I wrote it when I wasn't feeling well. I swear I have two separate thought processes going on in my head at all times. Does that sound crazy? I don't know if it's depression or if I've lost most of my mind.





Carly Berg said:


> I agree with Jen. It does sound like rap and I found myself snapping my fingers to it. I didn't know you'd think that was bad. Sorry!



Your poem is neither short nor dumb and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong, in my opinion. Yes, it needs a little work But it has a lot of potential and you could, with a little work, really make it rock.

You wrote the poem from your heart and what you were feeling at the time. These are some of the greatest poems because they are written with raw emotion, so please don't delete it. Some poems may be technically brilliant but they have no soul. I'd go with soul and passion every time. Now I suggest you have some talent and you get over to the YPS poetry group organised by Firemajic and enter the Pip Challenge (poets in progress).

I would also like to see you work on this poem with Jenthepen or firemajic, or even both. Make it zing and something you can be proud of


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## Phil Istine (Jul 11, 2016)

Please don't delete it as, for better or worse, people have put in the effort to critique your work.
My own perception goes along with the 'rap' comments.  I like the twist in the last line where you avoided the rhyme to swerve around the swear word - it reminded me of an old song by The Doors (showing my age here).
I'm wondering if you encountered a formatting problem with this poem.  Sometimes, when pasting from a word processor, extra line breaks are added on here.  You need to click on the 'go advanced' button to obtain a more accurate guide to the final layout, then do any editing before submission.  Could that be why the appearance was prose-like?
I think that shorter lines to show up the rhyme more would have been beneficial.  This poem can certainly be retrieved and moulded into something that looks more poetic - without needing to change your meaning.


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## Phil Istine (Jul 11, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> i'm half tempted to delete it because I wrote it when I wasn't feeling well. I swear I have two separate thought processes going on in my head at all times. Does that sound crazy? I don't know if it's depression or if I've lost most of my mind.



I am not a medicine man but it sounds like you _may_ be describing cognitive dissonance.  If it's troublesome maybe seek assistance?


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## Firemajic (Jul 11, 2016)

playerslayer666 said:


> I woke up and spent like 20 or 30 minutes on this poem. I don't even know why I bothered posting when I knew it was short and dumb. I think I only did this to prove to myself I could. I've never written a poem before.
> 
> yea it's slightly personal. While it seems random and unfocused it's mostly about things that piss me off.
> 
> i'm half tempted to delete it because I wrote it when I wasn't feeling well. I swear I have two separate thought processes going on in my head at all times. Does that sound crazy? I don't know if it's depression or if I've lost most of my mind.





Playerslayer.... here's the thing.... SOMETHING moved you, inspired you to write your VERY FIRST POEM!!!! That is a fabulous thing! Wow, I am impressed and proud of you... NO ONE has EVER nailed EVERY poetic device with their FIRST POEM, EVERYONE has room to improve. EVERYONE. That is what WF is all about, finding your voice, your passion, improving that voice/ skill in a friendly, supportive forum. Now, do you need to tweak and polish this? yes, you do... Do I need to polish and tweak MY poetry? YES I DO!... Your poem has potential, and I would love to help you, if you want, and my Mentoring door is always open to the poet who seeks to improve their Art... Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, it is a pleasure to have you here....


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## SilverMoon (Jul 11, 2016)

> Originally Posted by* PiP*
> 
> *You wrote *the poem from your heart and*what you were feeling "at **the time"**.* These are *some of the greatest **poems *because they *are written with raw emotion*,.



A bit envious here! I've been writing poetry for years and have not yet been able to accomplish what you have done in your very first poem.

At the time when I'm feeling depressed or angry I'm mostly overtaken so my feelings get stored in the attic of my mind. Eventually, I'm able to draw on them, in retrospect, with the company of order and imagery. 

So my task is to get comfortable writing when uncomfortable. In this regard, you have inspired me!

What do I do in the meantime? I jot down "descriptive words" that come to mind, some of which will find themselves in a poem. Some sound silly, then not: e.g.  

mustard, persnickety, bruise, altruistic, somber, glass, clocks, innuendo, burgundy, puce, tricky, global - on and on...(then unfamiliar words I have to look up). I find this to be a very useful tool. Hope you don't mind if I re-work your first line using this method and some of my listed words



> *PS*   My heart breaks. My soul aches. I see the world as nothing but fake





> *SM * My heart is a glass fragment. My soul, a bruise.  This world I see is a magician's sick trick



Though the topic of a poem may be dour you can "play" with words. Give color to your emotions. So bring out your Crayon Box! Would love to read a re-write. If not, will be looking forward to reading your next poem. Laurie


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## jenthepen (Jul 11, 2016)

playerslayer, if you wrote this in 30 minutes and it's your first poem I  must ammend my previous comment - it shows more than merit, it shows  real promise. You have rhythm down and that's something that many people  find quite difficult. I'd say that means you have a natural ear for  poetry. Your rhyming is good and consistent and you can hold the flow of  a poem (meaning that your story and meaning doesn't waver or become  vague.)

All these things form the basis of good poetry and you  seem to have a natural instinct for them. The content of your work will  become more serious and meaningful as you practise and gain confidence.  Please don't stop writing poetry and _do not _delete this one. We  have had poets delete their work before, when they felt hurt or  embarrassed by critiques. These same poets are now writing seriously  good poetry and so will you. Critiques are given with the intention of  helping the poet to improve but, in the end, the work belongs to you and  it is for you to decide how much advice you take on board and how much  you ignore. It's the sort of decision all writers make every time they  submit a piece of work for critique. By the time you are half as old as  me, you will have developed a skin that's thick enough to take any  amount of criticism and advice without flinching.  

Anyway,  your poem is not nearly as random and unfocused as you think - if it was  we wouldn't have understood it but we did. Move on, write another poem and give some thought to Firemajic's offer to work with you. She is a wonderfully intuitive poet and has a gift for inspiring others. You have shown that you have something worth nurturing - don't waste it.

jen


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## playerslayer666 (Jul 14, 2016)

This poem isn't even good. Why are people liking it? It really needed more work. I literally woke up and for 30 minutes pretended to know how to rhyme stuff together. I feel like I didn't even try. I wanna delete it but everyone is being so helpful with their responses I can't justify removing it.


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## Firemajic (Jul 14, 2016)

Well, Then put some effort into it and fix it....


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