# Drowning (slightly adult)



## Abby (Sep 21, 2014)

*Drowning (slightly adult) *edited**

I know you like the taste of me
The hot and steaminess of me
But you don’t want the soul that lives inside.

You love investigating me
But never will invest in me
Your heart is only in it for the ride

The words you speak, they ache in me
This need is overtaking me
You love me then you leave me here to pine

With tender touch you play with me
Your passion is destroying me
It’s killing me to know you can’t be mine.

Too scared to say you’re hurting me
Afraid you might abandon me
My heart is breaking slowly with each kiss

Each morning you’re the light for me
At night you are the stars for me
It hurts that I’m the one you never miss.

Your touch is like a drug to me
Invisibly controlling me
Infatuation grows with each rebuff

This fever is consuming me   
Obsession burning bright in me         
The bones you throw will never be enough

You’re buried in the heart of me          
You’ll never be a part of me    
My empty heart is soaking in despair

Each whispered word submerges me
Desire for you immerses me
I’m drowning in this tainted love affair


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## wainscottbl (Sep 21, 2014)

> You said the words but we both know you lied



I am not sure what, but something seems off here. The metre does not quite seem to be iambic pentametre. Now that's not necessarily required, but given the rest of the poem is clearly iambic pentameter, I think this line falls short. I can't quite place where it is off. I'm really trying to figure out what the problem I feel I see is but can't do it. Maybe someone else can. They play with "invest" and "investigating" in the former two shows very great skill. It really makes the reader consider the difference between being a jealous, untrusting lover and a true lover by trusting and investing in a relationship. Well done there. 



> With tender touch you play with me
> Your passion is destroying me
> It’s killing me to know you can’t be mine.



I like the alliteration here and the skill with you express yourself through this whole stanza. 



> My heart is breaking slowly with each kiss



I like that. And this. Good job with the contrast of night in day regarding love:



> Each morning you’re the light for me
> At night you are the stars for me



It can be a cheap, overdone metaphor but a good poet can turn into a well done. You did. Same with the last two stanzas.


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## Nellie (Sep 21, 2014)

Beautifully written. I love this.


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## escorial (Sep 21, 2014)

the more you read the deeper you sink..tuff read...well done


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## shedpog329 (Sep 21, 2014)

wainscottbl said:


> I am not sure what, but something seems off here. The metre does not quite seem to be iambic pentametre. Now that's not necessarily required, but given the rest of the poem is clearly iambic pentameter, I think this line falls short. I can't quite place where it is off. I'm really trying to figure out what the problem I feel I see is but can't do it. Maybe someone else can. They play with "invest" and "investigating" in the former two shows very great skill. It really makes the reader consider the difference between being a jealous, untrusting lover and a true lover by trusting and investing in a relationship. Well done there.




I think what may be throwing you off is the stressed syllable when pronouncing the word "but" midway thru the line and then "we both know" gives the poem an interrupted pause not seen in the other lines.  Its hard to catch and took me a few times to catch it myself.  If it were following the pentameter the "but" should be unstressed.


Its not a bad poem though, its soft and its tangible at most.  I enjoyed it.


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## Firemajic (Sep 21, 2014)

Abby! I love this. I loved the flow--flawless. this is perfection. Peace...Jul


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## Aphelion (Sep 22, 2014)

Abby, this is beautiful. So deep; honest. Thanks for sharing.


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## Abby (Sep 22, 2014)

Thanks so much everyone. I've changed that problematic line and the ending thanks for the advice. This was a bit of an outpouring for me so not particularly well thought out, it's funny how the words flow so much easier when I'm sad. Thanks for reading


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## E. Zamora (Sep 22, 2014)

This would make great song lyrics. I was almost tapping my foot as I read this.  You've got a few cliche lines in here, but you make up for it with some of less expected ones. And the rhyme works really well for me; none of them come of as forced at all; not even close, which is pretty hard to pull off.

Good work.

Esteban


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## Arcopitcairn (Sep 22, 2014)

Wow. Excellent piece. I really felt it! There's real heart in there. Thanks for posting this


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## Abby (Sep 23, 2014)

Thanks Estaban and Arcopitcairn


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