# Weight of the Wind



## Smith (Jul 5, 2017)

She lets the ashes free,
carried away by the breeze,
filling a sail lost at sea
with a lifetime's memories.

Events are set into play.
Two unwitting lovers meet today.
For now they haven't much to say;
just take each other's breath away.

Sighs from their lungs will rise,
wind on which the pigeon flies
off into distant grey skies,
clutching a letter of goodbyes.

Fiery and frigid air clashes.
Lightning strikes and man's thunder crashes.
A soldier in the rain of whiplashes
watches as his whole life flashes.

Fireworks explode in the atmosphere.
Her ears are burdened with deafening cheers.
Couples embrace as the boat of men clears.
All but her-- crying the wrong kind of tears.

"He isn't here."


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jul 6, 2017)

Beautiful, nothing I see wrong with this piece. My favourite line in this was 'Crying the wrong kind of tears' moving...


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## Smith (Jul 7, 2017)

Thanks Crimson!


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## kaminoshiyo (Jul 7, 2017)

Wow. Din't know you wrote poetry... Or did I? My memory is crap.

I liked the story here, and it began pretty good. I thought the cadence got a little rocky towards the end. 

The line 'Lightning strikes and man's thunder crashes' seemed to be a little too long. 

The words 'rain of whiplashes' is a bit vague. 'A soldier in the rain whiplashes' is better. If you're trying to keep the rhythm, might have to find another way. 

Fiery and frigid air clashes.
Lightning strikes and man's thunder crashes.
A soldier in the rain of whiplashes
watches as his whole life flashes.

This verse was a bit confusing as I wasn't sure whether this was a storm, or a battle at sea, or both since you have lightning strikes and 'man's thunder' here. Could be mages also 
Even so, while the wording is a bit off, the visual in the last two lines of this verse was pretty good- particularly 'a solider in the rain of(?) whiplashes'. 

The last verse wraps up well, though I'm iffy on the second to last line 'Couples embrace as the boat of men clears.' The words 'boat of men' feels like filler here. 

The ending though, was good and matches your signature picture. 

Not bad.


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## Smith (Jul 7, 2017)

kaminoshiyo said:


> Wow. Din't know you wrote poetry... Or did I? My memory is crap.
> 
> I liked the story here, and it began pretty good. I thought the cadence got a little rocky towards the end.
> 
> ...



If your bad memory means I can keep surprising you, I'll keep it that way. ;P

The verse in blue is open to some interpretation, although I will say the storm is metaphor for a battle (and a continuity of the theme presented in the title). You got that right, so it seems to be working well so far. Whether or not people think it's a battle at sea or on land is fair game.

Regarding whiplashes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpCu4bEUuQM

'Boat of men' wasn't filler; it sets up the next two lines. It always amazes me (and don't take this the wrong way) when people read a poem and find filler words. As in, I don't understand how they do it, or even know for that matter. I suppose what I'm asking, is does that line not sound good or something because of those three words?

I'm not quite sure what filler words are... if I took a guess they'd be words that are *only* there to maintain the rhythm and cadence? But 'boat of men' seems awfully specific for such a basic purpose, to the point of it's almost like one would have to entirely miss the image that 'boat of men' presents - in addition to its context within the poem - in order to think the words serve no purpose other than maintaining rhythm (and again, don't take this the wrong way, I'm genuinely curious because nobody has bothered to explain this to me).

Which - and I don't need to really tell you this since you're a great writer and know where I'm coming from - can be frustrating because I write quite sincerely, and it can be a painstaking process to find the right words. I wouldn't let myself stoop to the level of throwing in some words that mean nothing just to maintain cadence, in the same way you wouldn't throw in something meaningless into a novel. But then again, I stress to you I say all this with the caveat that I don't know how _you _or others define filler words.

How would you have written the line?

Cheers kamino, thank-you for the great feedback! I really appreciate it. 

-Kyle

P.S. Since a lot can get lost or misunderstood over text, and since my goal is to discuss the critique and the poem, I just want to be clear that none of the above is meant to be read in a confrontational or arrogant tone. I'm not trying to sub-Tweet you and say you're wrong. I'm actually quite happy to be talking about this, and always willing to learn so I can be the best I can be, as well as improve the poem to be the best it can be. Look forward to your response!


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## kaminoshiyo (Jul 7, 2017)

Smith said:


> If your bad memory means I can keep surprising you, I'll keep it that way. ;P
> 
> The verse in blue is open to some interpretation, although I will say the storm is metaphor for a battle (and a continuity of the theme presented in the title). You got that right, so it seems to be working well so far. Whether or not people think it's a battle at sea or on land is fair game.
> 
> ...



Ah, I see. I got the wrong idea from reading 'boat of men'...I was thinking of it in another way as I was reading it. I also, now, see what you meant by it being a battle, but I was confused since I thought the two lovers were on the boat you were talking about. As I read it, I thought the girl was spreading the ashes of someone she lost and she met the new lover on the ship at that moment and then a battle or storm happened and so on and such. Got it now. (actually, I kind of like it like that)

I know you don't mind my criticism, Smith. It's why I can mess with you, lol.


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## ned (Jul 7, 2017)

hello - enjoyed your poem - and the strong romantic imagery.

although, a bit disjointed on first read, it eventually hangs together.

love the rhymes and the rhyme scheme - not easy, terrific work there.

and I can see you put a lot of thought into the word-choices - but to be picky.
I think you can go deeper. the odd plain word, might have more poetical alternatives.

carried away = borne away - just take = taking - lung = mouths - letter = dispatch etc
just little things really.

soldier - as before him his life flashes - and something else for burdened, perhaps.

although the last line has a nice sentiment - I would have gone for a word relating to salty sea
for her tears - to resolve things with the first verse.

good stuff
Ned

PS - love the title


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## Smith (Jul 7, 2017)

kaminoshiyo said:


> Ah, I see. I got the wrong idea from reading 'boat of men'...I was thinking of it in another way as I was reading it. I also, now, see what you meant by it being a battle, but I was confused since I thought the two lovers were on the boat you were talking about. As I read it, I thought the girl was spreading the ashes of someone she lost and she met the new lover on the ship at that moment and then a battle or storm happened and so on and such. Got it now. (actually, I kind of like it like that)
> 
> I know you don't mind my criticism, Smith. It's why I can mess with you, lol.





ned said:


> hello - enjoyed your poem - and the strong romantic imagery.
> 
> although, a bit disjointed on first read, it eventually hangs together.
> 
> ...



Since you both mentioned the disjointedness of it (something I was even getting hints of as I went over it more), I think the poem would be significantly improved if the first verse was moved to the end?

I'll also think about the better word choices Ned, thank you. I completely agree.


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