# Checkpoint of Eden



## Pietro (Jul 26, 2014)

Beyond the realm 
of nosy cameras 
and asphalt, 
I drove back to where 
I keep my breath. 

After fire and the wheel, 
the industrial revolution, 
the clockwork was set for me 
to hit the brakes, 

and kneel my sedan, 
needing absolution 
for sins that weigh 
two tons of steel, 

at the checkpoint of Eden. 

I smiled as the herd raised 
their tails to grant pass, 
flaunting at my car a dozen 
fur-covered butt-holes. 



Pietro Kheir 
27 07 14


----------



## xlwoo (Jul 27, 2014)

interesting


----------



## Gumby (Jul 27, 2014)

I enjoyed the picture this painted for me. The feeling of escaping back to nature, away from cameras and asphalt...hitting the brakes, as you said. I've often seen deer raising their tail, then taking off, though I've never considered they were flaunting fur-covered but-holes at me. Now I'm always going to think of this when I see that.


----------



## Nellie (Jul 27, 2014)

It's is nice to get back to nature and this poem reminds us. I like the reminder and the title. Thanks.


----------



## E. Zamora (Jul 27, 2014)

I was really getting into this. Believe me, I'm no shrinking violet when it comes to language, but the punchline ending took me out of the mood you so carefully constructed. But maybe that's just me. 



> I drove back to where
> I keep my breath.



Great lines. Simple but very effective.

Good work.

Esteban


----------



## Apple Ice (Jul 27, 2014)

I liked it. I have to say the last line through me and because of my immaturity, I found it funny. Butt-hole is just not a word I expect to see in a poem. Everything else I enjoyed, though


----------



## Pietro (Jul 27, 2014)

I see the last line is fulfilling its purpose 
Glad you guys enjoy the poem.


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 28, 2014)

Pietro--Pietro-- Pietro....Here goes. Nice imagery, beautiful lines--as Esteban pointed out.
Have you ever heard it said-- "Someone dropped a turd in the punchbowl" ?
well I think that is what you did here-- with your last line-[and you did start this--] clever of you, if you were going 
for that . I could not stop laughing...I enjoyed this ,for the most part. Thanks,..Peace...Jul


----------



## Pietro (Jul 29, 2014)

I thought about replacing "butt-holes" with "behinds" and striking out "at my car".



> Beyond the realm
> of nosy cameras
> and asphalt,
> I drove back to where
> ...


----------



## Gumby (Jul 29, 2014)

I like it, Pietro. A gentler ending that doesn't snap you out of the moment, but still gets the point across.


----------



## Pidgeon84 (Jul 29, 2014)

Very nice, I can really see the fur covered butt holes in my mind's eye.


----------



## E. Zamora (Jul 29, 2014)

Pietro said:


> I thought about replacing "butt-holes" with "behinds."



Don't water it down. Either stick with buttholes or change the ending altogether. This is a matter of artistic integrity.


----------



## Gumby (Jul 29, 2014)

I would agree with that. If the first ending is the way you feel it, then don't change it for anyone. There will always be those who disagree with what you write and those who don't. It's your piece and only you know your gut feelings.


----------



## Firemajic (Jul 30, 2014)

Nothing wrong with putting a turd in a punchbowl--it simply means that you put something 
unexpected in a place where one would not expect it---and you did that very well! I agree with
Gumby and Esteban...Stay true to your self and your poem....Peace...Jul:courage:


----------

