# Withering



## CrimsonAngel223 (Oct 21, 2015)

For withering flower 
Felt up a not so  
smile. 
No water to fill upon  
it's lake.


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## Firemajic (Oct 21, 2015)

welllllll... I admit, I don't have a clue... but I am cool with that.. poetry is many, many different things to many people... I am glad you expressed your thoughts and I was intrigued...


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Oct 21, 2015)

Well my poetry seems to be not so straight-foward, it is about a flower that has no water if it no water it can't live a full life, i mean i thought the metaphors would help make sense to the reader it is like 'the king' poem i posted earlier today


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## Firemajic (Oct 21, 2015)

asefaw123 said:


> For withering flower
> Felt up a not so  this line is so obscure..
> smile.
> No water to fill upon
> it's lake.




I understand where you are going... but you are not giving your reader enough info to make the connection, in this poem, or your other poem...


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## LadsandtheClassics (Oct 21, 2015)

Firemajic said:


> I understand where you are going... but you are not giving your reader enough info to make the connection, in this poem, or your other poem...



Absolutely not the right place to ask, but out of interest, why do you write with ellipses?


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## Blade (Oct 21, 2015)

I would agree that lines 2,3 are obscure and completely threw me on the first read. On the other hand if you take a second look the flower feels the lack of water 'not so smile'. I think it is a word rearrangement to bring out a point.

Enjoyed:flower:


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 21, 2015)

I echo the sentiments of Firemajic and Blade. It's a nice little bit, but just needs a little sprucing up. 

See you around the forums!


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## inkwellness (Oct 22, 2015)

I struggled with obscurity myself.  It was difficult for me to make the connection to the reader. I thought that just because I understood it, others would too. Since then, I've gotten better at editing my own work and seeking constructive criticism from others. This is part of the beauty of becoming the writer you are going to become. Fortunately,  other writers on this site are helpful and supportive.  You're in the right place. Keep writing


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## Darkkin (Oct 22, 2015)

Poetry is about layering: Imagery, story, emotion, metaphor.  A connection to the reader, a connection that is essential.  Right now this poem feels like it's missing pieces, both in punctuation and clarification.  

Read this poem out loud.  Ask yourself, does it make sense?  If yes, why?  If no, why and what can you, as a writer, do to make it cohesive?  

Look at the content.  You have sixteen words, five are prepositions, roughly a quarter of your poem.  Four nouns, two verbs, a pronoun, an adverb, and an adjective.  Consider the meaning of the verbs in context with their nouns and the subsequent preposition e.g. water to fill upon it's lake.  How does the water fill the lake?  Is it coming in via a stream or river, an underground spring.  Or possibly _falling_ in the form of rain.  Keep tenses and conjugations in mind with pieces like this.  Each word carries weight.

And the it's in L5, should be its, possessive, not the contraction it is.

- D. the T. of P.B.


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## inkwellness (Oct 22, 2015)

Darkkin! That is some excellent advice. I'm going to save it for my own personal development as a writer. Thanks! 
Keep being D. the T. of P.B.


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## escorial (Oct 23, 2015)

some times being obscure has it's merits to the poet..for me I have a love hate relationship with it all...but still it has some elements I like in a piece..


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