# Artifacts



## Firemajic (Mar 15, 2017)

*I bent my mind to the *_*knowledge
that there could be a better tomorrow
felt the flutter of hummingbird hope
tickle my fragile spine

Wisdom's iridescent bubble burst
the percussion propelled me forward
through the door of Never Again
into the realm of normal trepidation

I look back fight the urge to return
 to my secret inner sanctum with closed door
 dim light and horrific mind memorabilia
I have spent a lifetime entombed with you

Maybe some future archeologist
will scrabble in the dirt
dig up your mummified remains
expose an extinct monster
*_


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## Darkkin (Mar 15, 2017)

This piece is inspired, Fire.  Truly excellent writing.  My nits are near nil.   One thing to maybe consider.  I know the hummingbird hope is a touch of alliteration and works wonderfully within the line, however, there are strong parallels to other pieces you've done, especially given the mummified monster.  Consider to the similarities and congunecies between the beating wings of a hummingbird and those of a scarab beetle.  Both are also possessed of dark iridescent radiance when the light hits them, as well.  What the scarab possessess, however, that the humminbird lacks is its incredible strength and its shell.  Drawing on the piece as a whole and what I have read of your work, the scarab is a truer allegory.

I know it is merely an adjective, but scarabs are truly amazing creatures.  They survive in some of the harshest environments on earth and still continue to shine when they find the light...

All the best,

- D. the T.


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## escorial (Mar 15, 2017)

Enjoyed it immensely...


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## sas (Mar 15, 2017)

I think it needs some fine tuning. Lots of images, some seem "off"...like "Wisdom...bursts". Hmmm. I prefer not to do a re-write, but found this easier due to time constraint. Sorry. Maybe something below makes sense. You should still nit-pik it more, as topic deserves the closest scrutiny: 

*(I bent) My mind yearned for (the) knowledge   (starting with "I" changed)
(that) there could be a (better) tomorrow . . . better;
felt (the) a hummingbird flutter of (hummingbird) hope
(tickle) caress my fragile spine (is tickle right word here)

Wisdom (‘s iridescent bubble) burst,   (burst seems wrong, means gone?)
(the)(percussion) propelled me (forward)
through the door of Never Again
into (the realm of) (normal) too familiar trepidation*


*(I do not understand 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] stanza. I think you are leaving, but… “Wisdom… burst” implies otherwise;/try to re-word; also 3 “the” words…too many?)*


*I look back fight the urge to return
behind (my secret) inner sanctum’s door (with closed door) 
with dim light and horrific remains (mind memorabilia)  
(I have spent) from a lifetime entombed with you

(Maybe) (Some) ( future) An archeologist will wait
(will) to scrabble in (your) our dirt   ("our" makes it about you, too; shared & personal)
dig up your (mummified) remains
expose an extinct monster

Without the parenthesis; perhaps lines arranged this way?:

**My mind yearned for knowledge  
there could be a tomorrow . . . better;
felt a hummingbird flutter of hope
caress my fragile spine

Wisdom burst, propelled me
through the door of Never Again
into too familiar trepidation*

*I look back fight the urge to return
behind an inner sanctum’s door   
with dim light and horrific remains
from a lifetime entombed*—*with you

An archaeologist will wait
to scrabble in our dirt
dig up your remains*     *expose
an extinct monster


*


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## Nellie (Mar 15, 2017)

sas said:


> I think it needs some fine tuning. Lots of images, some seem "off"...like "Wisdom...bursts". Hmmm. I prefer not to do a re-write, but found this easier due to time constraint. Sorry. Maybe something below makes sense. You should still nit-pik it more, as topic deserves the closest scrutiny:
> 
> *
> Without the parenthesis; perhaps lines arranged this way?:
> ...




I like this. :encouragement:


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## Firemajic (Mar 15, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> *I bent my mind to the *_*knowledge
> In the above line, I am trying to express how hard it was for me to accept that everything I knew to be true, was a lie... I worked for years, trying to bend my mind to this new knowledge and make it fit...
> that there could be a better tomorrow
> felt the flutter of hummingbird hope
> ...




DarKKin, thank you so much for your comments... I love the idea of using the scarab Beetle and am trying to rewrite that into this poem...

Escorial, thank you, I am glad you enjoyed.. 

sas... You know and understand the significance of the closed door...and my struggles to open that door...the mental door and the real door...I do like what you did with this poem, but I am not sure that your rewrite has the true expression of my emotions...and how huge a task it is to open that door... then walk through it.. I always love seeing my poetry through your sharp eyes... Thank you, you are appreciated...
I hope I was able to explain my thought process, and what these words mean to me, I have struggled with this poem... now, I realize there are no words to adequately express the experiences I have survived... 

Nellie, thank you for reading...


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## sas (Mar 15, 2017)

I would urge you to look closely at 2nd stanza through knowledge of reader. It just says "wisdom...burst". What "insight" propelled you? Never mentioned.


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## Nellie (Mar 15, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> I hope I was able to explain my thought process, and what these words mean to me, I have struggled with this poem... now, I realize there are no words to adequately express the experiences I have survived...



What one person experiences, is not the same for someone else. Given something so traumatic, there are NO words to explicitly express the experience, IMO.


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## Raevenlord (Mar 15, 2017)

Thank you so much for choosing to share this, Fire.

I am at a loss for words at how much of your soul was poured into this. I almost feel uncomfortable that you would give me such an opportunity, for I feel I have no right to it.


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## mark_schaeffer (Mar 15, 2017)

_Very promising._

I bent my mind to the knowledge
that there could be a tomorrow

felt the flutter of hummingbird hope
fan my brittle resolve

 iridescent bubble burst    :alien: :alien:

normal trepidation -  lots of better choices available

queer light and horrific [mind] memorabilia_

entombed _makes sense but feels too heavy / musty / dusty - pick one

and expose the monster you are.


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## MrTickle (Mar 16, 2017)

Wow, Firemajic! this is really deep. There's really clever word play in here and it is certainly one I will have to read a few times to fully understand it - which is what I like as a reader. The last stanza really made me think the most and is quite haunting in a way.

Also, I loved the last two lines, it left a strong image in my head. Thank you for sharing!


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## ned (Mar 16, 2017)

hello - enjoyed this mix of memory, regret, loss and archaeology - there's a lot going on!

for me, all the nails hit home and I wouldn't change a thing.
except one word (there's always one!)

dirt for - plot, garden, crypt etc

thanks for sharing your emotional roller-coaster - once more...
Ned


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## Firemajic (Mar 16, 2017)

Nellie said:


> What one person experiences, is not the same for someone else. Given something so traumatic, there are NO words to explicitly express the experience, IMO.




I believe that... thank you for your insight, Nellie 




Raevenlord said:


> Thank you so much for choosing to share this, Fire.
> 
> I am at a loss for words at how much of your soul was poured into this. I almost feel uncomfortable that you would give me such an opportunity, for I feel I have no right to it.




I can appreciate your feelings, Raevenlord.... and I understand.... I share my personal struggles in the hope that someone going through the same abuse, will maybe read this, and feel less alone... and to shine a light and expose the secret of abuse... By using my poetry, I am trying to break the silence of incest and abuse, it is STILL taboo to speak of these things, and the silence only gives power to the perpetrator...and allows them to keep their terrible secret... thank you for reading, and thank you for your compassion and understanding... 





mark_schaeffer said:


> _Very promising._
> 
> I bent my mind to the knowledge
> that there could be a tomorrow
> ...




Thank you, I appreciate your critique, and will think about everything you suggested...





MrTickle said:


> Wow, Firemajic! this is really deep. There's really clever word play in here and it is certainly one I will have to read a few times to fully understand it - which is what I like as a reader. The last stanza really made me think the most and is quite haunting in a way.
> 
> Also, I loved the last two lines, it left a strong image in my head. Thank you for sharing!




Hey, Mr T... I enjoyed reading your thoughts... "Haunting".... yeah, that is a good word... I like that.. 





ned said:


> hello - enjoyed this mix of memory, regret, loss and archaeology - there's a lot going on!
> 
> for me, all the nails hit home and I wouldn't change a thing.
> except one word (there's always one!)
> ...





Ned... I NEED the word "DIRT"... I was a dirty secret... I had a dirty secret... HE was a dirty secret... and the stain he left on me... made me feel so F%$#^^$ dirty....
Thank you sooo much... maybe  "filthy" ... would work better... I always look forward to your sharp eye...



I will think about every comment, critique and suggestion... do not think your insight and time was wasted... it was not... I will continue to work on this poem...Thanks again... I appreciate your help so much...


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## ned (Mar 16, 2017)

hello Fire - yes,  I missed the connotations of dirt - but would phrase it as 'the dirt' - for a more natural feel.

small point - in a pointed poem...
Ned


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## Firemajic (Mar 16, 2017)

ned said:


> hello Fire - yes,  I missed the connotations of dirt - but would phrase it as 'the dirt' - for a more natural feel.
> 
> small point - in a pointed poem...
> Ned





OH!.... GOTCHA! I agree.... the dirt... the dirt... encompasses ALL of it... I will edit... thank you...


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## SilverMoon (Mar 16, 2017)

Friend, I've found the more I write directly about my being sexually abused I lend myself the bravery to expose my *monster,* loosening that chain to the slavery of - my mind's *horrific memorabilia, *those *mummified remains. 

I have spent a lifetime entombed with you. *I still have the dreams. The awake fears. Still, I try not to hate the little girls in this world who I see walking safely with their fathers, hand in hand.

Please, no!*  DIRT*. Not only is it your own word but it's married to the word "entombed", buried.

These bolded words of yours are chilling, even to me. This is nothing less than a strong testament to a brilliantly written and powerful poem.

Yet, I know there are no words, no words good enough to impart the unthinkable. We just make best use of what's in Merriam-Webster.
Just coming to mind. I'll be making up my own words. New words - neologisms. Words that sound like.....the unthinkable


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## Firemajic (Mar 16, 2017)

Thank you, SilverMoon.... this means a lot, coming from you...I appreciate your comments...


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## jenthepen (Mar 17, 2017)

Your poems always punch hard and this is no exception. I love the feeling of escape and freedom that comes through with this one - the strength and power that has been rediscovered. Just great, especially in series with your earlier work. Don't mess with it too much.


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## Firemajic (Mar 18, 2017)

Thank you, jen... I have struggled with this poem for a long time, and I think I probably will never be completely satisfied with it... I appreciate your kind words of encouragement, they mean a lot to me...


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