# Electric Affection (short)



## Toot Sweets (Feb 13, 2015)

*Electric Affection* 

As Rick contemplated his latest bad day on the ride home, it began to dawn on him that it was perhaps time for a career move. He knew who was waiting for him at home, he knew that seeing her would make him happy, but he wondered to himself if experiencing such euphoria at the conclusion of the workday was something that was healthy for him, or maybe somewhat damaging. 

As the balding tires of his old Pontiac hit the I-95 freeway, his emotions ran away with his cognitive attention. He’d driven that route so many times before that his car could practically drive it without him. The deep snow mounded upon the berms made lovely miniature mountains out of the usually dirty, trash-filled roadsides. 

As he continued homebound, deep in reverie, his train of thought began its natural progression. A digression away from the cold, hard, miserable day on the docks, away from the anger of his boss, away from the constant onloading and offloading of commodities that he could scarcely afford to purchase himself.  

A permanent digression to Bridgette. A door that opened to heaven. A secret place that only two soles knew existed. Rick’s hands were cold on the wheel; his heartbeat resided about his ears. As his faithful auto rounded that final bend, his mind knew not where to stop. 

Car in the lot and up the stairs, Rick thought to himself that no one could be luckier the world over. A lovelier time and place could not be found, created or even dreamed by the most vivid and powerful of dreamers.

Not so long after a beautiful presentation of traditional Valentine’s Day beneficence did the doorbell sound. As a delicious meal of Asian-American cuisine was consumed in relative silence, Rick’s modest apartment began to fill with an electric affection, a warmth rarely experienced by those on earth. 

Soon after dinner, steam filled the master bathroom as the hot, heavy water fell upon the shower’s bleach-white basin. Rick adored his time in the shower, thirty minutes or more not being uncommon. But not tonight, for she was pressing hard, calling from her domain only feet away. 

Upon entering that cool, dry, dark bedroom Rick could feel her as she radiated her passion like the glorious sun itself, leaving not one bit of his skin unscorched by her brilliant love. Bridgette was the light of his life, her glass smooth skin as refreshing and soft as a fountain’s waterspout on a hot summer day. The perfection of her roundness was such that a precision instrument of measure could have taken flawless calibration from her curves. 

Her athletic body strong, but fragile just the same, with such delicate sensitivity that she exuded similar character. A personality so resplendent that she trumped all the greats, colored so persuasively as to impress the average person with no more than a glance. Her slow, determined motions more sensual and fluid than that of mother earth, Rick was now completely removed and in a world of his own.  

With a full box of chocolates and a small bouquet of flowers upon the nightstand, he turned out his Lava lamp and curled up under the covers, taking great pleasure in the temporary warmth and bliss in his world of frigid desolation. END  


Author’s Note: Due to the fact that this is my first posted work on the forum, I’m going to make a note that this style of writing does not accurately represent my normal writing style, as will be observed with the posting of subsequent works. This short story is quite a deviation from my norm simply because I found myself struggling to convey the proper imagery in the first and second drafts. I have to admit that I’m still not completely satisfied with it, but it’s getting better. I know I’ve broken a few grammatical rules here and there; any assistance in rewording this piece would be greatly appreciated. I’d also like to note that inspiration for this story came from dear old Saint Nick finally fulfilling one of my childhood Christmas gift wishes this year! ~ Toot Sweets


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## xanaphia (Feb 14, 2015)

What I liked: Lots of detail, nice images. Great turn of phrases.

What needs work: Your sentences meander, and they often feel without purpose. The whole thing feels really ethereal. Also, the choice of language doesn't seem to match up with your subject matter.


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## Toot Sweets (Feb 15, 2015)

Thanks for your feedback Xanaphia, I appreciate that you took a few minutes to read/review my piece. I knew going into this one that I wanted to have a very removed narrator to contrast the quite simple, boring life of the MC. After reading it through I began to realize that I've got some run-on sentences present, but didn't know how to change that without ruining the tone of the story.


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## Mickd (Feb 16, 2015)

I thought your story was fairly well written and had some nice metaphors to describe the characters thoughts and feelings. What I wasn't sure about was where your story was going. Was his horrible job supposed to juxtapose his relationship with this beautiful woman? If so is the there a conflict within himself: Quit the job he hates and lose the woman he loves. Or sacrifice his dignity and self worth for the sake of maintaining his relationship. I think there can be a really great story here by conveying to the reader why this relationship is so important to him. What is the message to the reader?


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## Toot Sweets (Feb 18, 2015)

Thanks for your review Mickd, You raise some interesting points. The whole idea of incorporating a "hated job" sequence into the beginning of this short story was to provide the MC with a major negative aspect to his life to contrast the relative happiness he can create for himself. Don't get me wrong, a Lava lamp is awesome (I've been hypnotized by this thing since Christmas). But I don't care what it is, an inanimate object can only make you so happy for so long. Perhaps I went overboard with my lady-like descriptions because I didn't intend any woman to be involved with this story, it's all in Rick's imagination. His life is just so miserable that something as fun and as "groovy" (if you'll pardon the expression) as a Lava lamp sends his mind into complete fantasyland.

Again I greatly appreciate your input because now that I have some feedback on how this story was interpreted by an unbiased reader, I can re-write the story to more accurately convey the intended message.


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## JFSurvivor (Feb 21, 2015)

Nice story. I think it needs a little more to it. Your characters fall a little flat and I think you could add to the plot a little more. Anywho's good job on your first post!


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## Turtle Pen (Feb 21, 2015)

Hello  
I honestly really liked this. You had great imagery, which I'm always a sucker for and pulled me in right away. Also, the way you used metaphors throughout your work was an eyecatching quality as well. Overall, this was good! So great job. One thing I would try to work on is find a universal tone you want to orbit around, it'll help with any diction decisions for describing purposes, also if you beefing up your plot a bit may help draw readers in faster. Great job none the less! 
- Turtle


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## Toot Sweets (Feb 22, 2015)

JFSurvivor, thank you for your feedback on my narrative. I am currently in the process of re-working this piece, in part by including stronger character development, as per critique suggestion. I noticed that in your post you pluralized the word "character," leading me to believe that you may not have understood this piece to be a mono-character story, the Lava lamp being Rick's "Valentine." Of course when I drafted the plot I already had this idea in mind, making myself quite partial to the story's conclusion twist. I've now come to understand that some readers believe a female character to be involved, when this wasn't my intention. After scrutinizing various sentences it has become obvious to me that my ambiguous descriptors and single-sentence conclusion allowed too much room for inference by the reader.

Turtle Pen, thank you for your critique as well. Especially when I'm working with a physical form of inspiration, it is hopefully understandable that the resulting story will be laden with strong imagery. As to the tone, you are certainly right, sticking with a single tone is easier and opens up more avenues for a particular theme of word choice. I find employing a single tone to be difficult with this type of story though, because the character's emotions run the gamut and there are no dialogue sequences to clarify emotions or set tones naturally. This plot has proven itself a challenge for my amateur literary skills. :!:encil::-|


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