# May 2017 - LM - Everything Must Go - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jun 2, 2017)

*ppsage**Pluralizaed**kilroy214*totalPhil Istine17161716.6_Everything Must Go by
Ephemeral One_14141514.3Plawrence15101212.3_Street and Strella...by
bdcharles_1681212_-they duh- by
-xXx-_1281210.6


Welcome back LM fans, we had a pretty exclusive comp this month. I'll cut right to the chase!

In 1st place, we have *Phil Istine *with his story *C**losing Down Sale.*
In 2nd, *Ephemeral One *with *E**verything Must Go*
and in 3rd,* Plawrence *with *Momentos

*Congratulations guys, you win the month! Anyone may now 'like' and entry if they so choose, let me know if I've made in mathematical errors. And now we go to the scores!

[spoiler2=ppsage's scores]  Last month my scores for effect started too high on the scale and I didn't leave myself enough scope. So they're lower and more spaced out this time. 

 [1]*plawrence
“Momentos"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 7
 Overall: 15*

 Review: The exposition here is presented in a pallid monotone. This might work well but the dialogue continues with exactly the same tone. Nothing distinguishes the voice of the narrator from the characters' voices. Contrast would be better. This is a piece of unallayed sentimentality, and I think sentiment also needs some contrast to avoid becoming maudlin, which is how I would characterize this piece. ------- The piece hangs together well, it contains a coherent incident sequence which follows through to the point. This is often a problem in these tiny stories, so I think this just needs some characterization and contrast to become quite successful. 


 [2]*anon
“Street and Strella..."
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 16*

 Review: Quite a few unusual and confusing vocabulary choices. (he parenthesises, inured birds, lancing stares, wooly blossoms). These are clever usages whose quirkyness strikes me mostly as misadventure. I usually don't make much out of including the prompt beyond some plausible brief connection but here it's made integral in the form of a motto. It took me too long to figure out a way that the motto made any sense. Third rereading before I got to understand it as 'Everyone must die.' I blame Mike's parenthesisization about other things for this confusion. It could have been made explicit up front. (In general people aren't explicit enough at 650 words. Not much room for obfuscation.) ---------- The idea in this story is strong and deserves to come out more clearly.


 [3]*anon
“Everything Must Go"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 4
 Effect: 6
 Overall: 14*

 Review: Introducing suicide in the last paragraph almost never turns out well. ---- A lot of time periods are indicated by a lot of tense changes which maybe aren't technically incorrect but are still distracting. A few careless grammar errors. (sit formerly?) ------- There is a wealth of detail in the piece and some of it makes for vivid imagery. It didn't quite turn into a telling picture for me, but is very close. Mostly I think the story needs to start more quickly and incorporate the abrupt ending better.


 [4]*anon
“they duh"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 3
 Effect: 5
 Overall: 12*

 Review: I have the feeling this is meant to be polemical but it's too brief and ambiguous to really figure out what it means for its sub-text. The semi-colon should be a colon. The first sentence may be the most intricately spaced out statement I've ever read. -------- The dialogue here is pretty effective although maybe a little under-characterized. I never did get what the spot-lighted fabric imagery was supposed to be about.


 [5]*Phil Istine
“Closing Down Sale"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4
 Tone/Voice: 5
 Effect: 8
 Overall: 17*

 Review : I do not understand the use of quotation marks here or the choice to end the opening with a colon. I applaud the decision to try using dialect in the dialog but I'm afraid I can't hear it. A bit of description characterizing the ethnicity of the speaker might help here. ---------- The incident sequence works very well in this oft-told tale, and the fore-shadowed return of the Jin is spot on. There are plenty of well placed details but quite a few of them are a bit flabby and generic.
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Pluralized's Scores] Alright people, thanks very much for the opportunity to judge and critique and generally bitch about your stories. I assure you it was all done out of love. *

 Momentos*
*plawrence*
*Score: 10*

 Good job with the prompt. I thought you had some poignant moments and it was fairly well done in terms of tone. Probably could have used some more editing though – I see it was published well before the deadline and it shows. The title is misspelled, the opening few sentences are a punctuation rat’s nest, and I found there to be one too many similarly constructed sentiments throughout.

 The old lady’s grandma (Tony’s great-gran) is meant to be seen in a photograph and he can tell she has blue eyes, so is that a color photo? What's the timeline here - would suggest thinking about how old gran is, and therefore great-gran would have been having snaps taken way way back in the day. 

 So much dialogue, so much nostalgic rumination, so little in the way of setting, exposition, setup, payoff. At the end of the day I don’t really know what the story was, though I know we went through a pile of old stuff in the attic with gran and Tony.

 Sorry this didn’t resonate better with me, but I do hope you’ll enter again.

*Street and Strella Constantly Rest in San Francisco*
*Anon*
*Score: 8*

 Well, I should start by saying this is at least tethered to the prompt.

 However, wonky constructions and odd word choices abound. The ending, while impactful, if you’ll pardon the pun, does little to really close up the work as a whole and just felt like a convenient exit.

 I have found a few specimens that were of particular note and/or I would like clarification:

*EverVital’s*
*EterVital* – which is it?

*“Everything must go!” he parenthesises.* – He… what now?

*noting in my jotter* - this actually might have flown, were there not already a dumpster fire burning elsewhere (everywhere, really)

*She’d even bestowed me a smile* – to ‘bestow’ something, hmm, just not really sure a smile gets ‘bestowed’ in quite this way. It just didn’t seem to work for me.

*I bite into a proffered plum.* – this, and another alliteration that I saw along the way…human horrors, perhaps, just stuck out. I think after reading ‘sewagey cackle’ my ear was purple.

*tubercolic splutter.* – again something that sounds weird, probably is wrong, but could maybe have lived a glorious life had there not been so many other things working against opportunity for stuff like this.

 As a general rule, I think the main thing this story lacks is flow. The words feel like a bag of elbows rolling down a hill. 

*“Isn’t that right, Gazette?”* – I have to confess, this made zero sense to me. Was he referring to the newspaper from earlier in the story, or should that have been “Strella?”

Thanks for entering and please take my opinions here as critical of the text, and not at all of the capabilities of the writer. Hope you'll enter again.

*Everything Must Go*
*Anon*
*Score: 14*

 Pretty good, if a bit sad, but definitely fits the prompt well. I thought chugged along nicely until the end, then ran out of steam and once again we have the old gun-in-the-mouth trick to end the story. Something about that exit strategy, which I can also admit to having done many times, feels sort of convenient and lazy. But I liked most of the flow and tone of this piece. Enjoyed it overall.

 I did not quite get the phantom thing, looking at a version of himself in an alternate reality maybe?

 Personally, I think the story would be much stronger without the ending paragraph.

 Couple of nuggets:

*A few empty boxes of long ago stolen snack cakes sit formerly out of sight.* – Hmm, what are we looking at here? Totally perplexed by the image or lack thereof…

*My lip quivered for a moment. Ronald Tremire kept saying that.* – Saying what? “Someday?” If so, it wasn’t quite clear to me. Also who is Ronald and how does he fit into the story?

*It wouldn't do much to fill the hole but the sentiment had moved me to tears. They watered again.* – tears watered again? Weird verb choice I guess.

*Since I could never afford it, my ancient phone sat next to an ugly computer.* – Another subject identification issue. Since you could not afford which, exactly?

*Though no sound was made, the phone rang out loudly.* – Hmmph

 Not bad, could definitely use some housekeeping and a bit of revamping around the periphery, but I thought a decent enough entry. Thanks for playing.

*They Duh*
*Anon*
*Score: 8*

 Well, it’s short, but punchy and has some decent premise working. Not enough to make me feel like I’ve digested a story, but the dirt has been moved around and at least one portion of the slab poured. Now, please get to building the house.

 Here are a couple of sentences that I felt were heavy on verbiage but light on meaning that would serve to propel the story:

*Sonya pulled a peak in the denim covering her thigh, creasing the fabric in a line that led her tight focus to the nondescript door through which potentially very descriptive expressions would soon emerge.* – The significance of the fabric, mentioned a couple times, would work nicely as some kind of device, some way to throw me as the reader into her past, serve up some kind of pithy anecdote or perhaps use it to frame an opinion she holds. I think also, using ‘nondescript’ for the door is certainly less valuable given the word count than actually burning a few words for the sake of scene setting. But I see how you chose to write it so you could juxtapose. It just doesn’t work all that well.

*"It took me a long while to accept the depth of hate required to saturate every life experience I treasured with triggers designed to debilitate so thoroughly: structural destructions.* – Wondering aloud here, do we ever get insight into how this deconstruction works to illustrate her supposed hate? I left this story feeling like some enigmatic seeds were planted but the narrative fell far short of delivering on its potential. I mean, we’re allowed to use all 650 words, so unless the story is so concise and delicious that it makes sense to use 250 instead, I would recommend at least a few more.

*Closing Down Sale*
*Phil Istine*
*Score: 16*

 I can tell you worked on this story, gave it some polish, and put forward a good solid effort in telling a coherent tell. I think it succeeds, mostly, and it was a pleasure to read (and re-read).

 I liked how he doesn’t give a second thought to sparking up a bowl in the old guy’s shop (and I really like how he casually reaches into his ‘pouch’ as if that’s slung over one shoulder), then a real smoke-genie comes out and cuts the old man’s head off. I mean, that’s some pretty damn punchy, effective story-stuff right there, if maybe a wee bit over the top. I’m partial to that kind of thing, of course, and not everyone is. I like it when STUFF HAPPENS.

 The shopkeeper’s dialogue was excellent; thought you nailed the accent and took a risk with doing that.

 All in all, despite a tiny bit of wackiness hanging out the sides, this is a fun and fairly solid piece of work which I think is the best in show this month. Good work.  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=kilroy214's Scores] Plawrence
 Momentos

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 4
 Total: 12

 I like the use of the prompt and that the old lady keeps reminding herself that she has to get rid of stuff, but continually can't stand to part with any. I have say, I felt like there wasn't a complete story here. We have this building conflict of the woman having to part with all her memories and it grows and grows, but it's never resolved. Without resolution, this woman will be going through the same dilemma every five minutes, and that is felt by the reader.
 There were a few other nit that popped out at me, one being in the second line of the story. While one can admire use of the hyphens, a hyphen and comma are never used together, you use one or the other, never both.

 The fact that she was looking at old photographs that were in color seemed a little far fetched. I imagined many of these photos were from the 40's and 50's, and while color photography was available back then, it was expensive and only used by professionals. It did not become commercially available until the 60's and even then it was usually only used for vacation photographs and special occasions.

 The paragraph that stars, "She launched into a story..." felt odd. I wondered why we just weren't told the story of the milking and churning through dialogue from Betty. As it stands it is very much a 'Telling not Showing' paragraph, and does not add much to the story. If she had told Tony a story about Corlien that somehow mirrored the situation that Betty found herself in now, and drew some kind of strength from that to realize that she could stand to part with some of her shit to downsize into the condo, then the story within the story would have some bearing on her character arc and the ending would have been much stronger.


 Street and Strella Constantly Rest in San Francisco
 bdcharles

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 5
 Total: 12

 This was a very odd tale that made very little sense, not because of the subject matter, but because it is just a convoluted read. Odd word choices and clunky structuring had me rereading several lines over again and again to make sure I had got them right. I feel like the ending would have been a little more punchy if it hadn't felt so taxing to make it to the end of the story.
That being said, you did paint a very visceral, almost neo-noir (I felt anyway) setting, and it felt very alive, and I have to give you credit for that.


 Everything Must Go
 Ephemeral One

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 6
 Total: 15

 I like the direction you went with the prompt here, and the overall tone, I felt, was great. You did a great job that painted an overall bleakness of this man's life, bringing to life someone at the end of their rope. However, I was kind of dumbstruck when I got to the end. I thought a story so somber, there was going to be a twist of some kind, like maybe he plays the last scratcher he has left under the counter and it happens to be a jackpot winner. Or maybe just a two dollar winner, but still, he smiles, stuffs it in his coat pocket and leaves the story. It ended on such a downer it just kind of sucked the wind out it's sails.
 That's not to say that it's bad, I am, after all, one opinion, and to each their own and all that...but for me the story just went a step too far.

 There were a few parts that had me asking questions, one of which was the '...a phantom appeared before it..." line. It appeared before what? Him or the soda machine? And to compare it to a 'younger ghost' of himself didn't sound right, maybe an younger vision or version. Ghost just didn't seem right.

 'Since I could never afford it...'- Not sure what 'it' refers too, the phone or the computer, and maybe it doesn't matter, but it still caused me to pause.

 '...a pair of corpses awaited me...'- I didn't know what this meant. I'm guessing that the caller in the previous lines was his mother? And she died because the father, her husband died? Maybe? I'm not sure, but this confused me.

 This story has a lot going for it. I think with a little more work it would make for a solid, powerful piece.


 -they duh-
 -xXx-

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 4
 Total: 12

 Well, I wish I could say more about this story. It had, I felt, a lot going for it, but in truth, it is not a story. For a story to be a story there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You could argue that this story has a middle, but I think even that would be a stretch. It's like a blurb you would find on the inside cover of a novel.

 The premise is captivating, and the pace flows well, short as it may be. You had my attention, and then we ran out of road.

 With so much room left in the word count I don't understand why you would not utilize it to show characterization, plot or character development, or the resolving of a conflict. The conflict is there, as well as the characters, who have motivations, feelings, and a reason to be there. We get a very brief glimpse and that is all.


 Closing Down Sale
 Phil Istine

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 7
 Total: 17

 You paint a pretty vivid picture in not a whole lot of room, and who doesn't like a decapitation-loving sword-wielding smoke-monster? AmIright? I found the odd use of the quotation marks a bit jarring (going from " to ' and all) and while I know why they are like that, I would like to thing that none are actually needed in this piece at all. The characters were strong and vivid enough that I knew who was talking and narrating without trouble at all.

 I also found the store keeper's accent a little over the top, but it was not so bad that it gave me trouble reading. Maybe if he had more to say, but as it is, it worked fine.

 On top of good description and characters, this story just chugs right along as well, I felt like it only took a bout a minute to read. So I reread it. Not because I was confused or anything, but because I wanted to, which is a pretty rare reason for me to reread an LM entry.  Good stuff.  [/spoiler2]


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## Ephemeral_One (Jun 2, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the great feedback and scores that are probably higher than I deserved.


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## Phil Istine (Jun 2, 2017)

Thank you for the comments and the work you put into this.  A couple of the judges mentioned my unusual use of quotation marks.  I'm glad about this because I hesitated to employ them in this manner.  Although technically correct to use them without closing them off after each paragraph (I think!), because it was a piece of writing within the story, it never quite allowed the reader to drift into or become part of the events.  I took the risk because it was a short piece; in a longer piece, I would have avoided their use.  Also, by using them, it meant that I had to use single quotes as speech marks within the story.
I lost the flavour a little by having to drop 130 words from the original.

Even though we were a bit light on entries this month, I was a little surprised to receive the highest score.  Hopefully, there will be a few more entries for June's challenge.


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## bdcharles (Jun 3, 2017)

Nice work folks


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## -xXx- (Jun 3, 2017)

rock.n.roll - both kinds!
the quality of feedback should be consistently
 packing this challenge.
jussayin'
thanks all around: organiser(s), judges, participants 
and subtle influences which may be difficult to discern.


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## J Anfinson (Jun 4, 2017)

Nice work, guys. I actually had an idea for this prompt but I've been kept busy so I didn't sit down to write it. I'd love to get back into competing here if I can find the time. Maybe next month.


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## Terry D (Jun 4, 2017)

Congratulations to everyone! The LM is a terrific challenge, and the winners deserve many kudos. This, by the way, is a kudo:


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