# The Countess and the Volvic



## John Sapphire (Dec 26, 2006)

Short scene, outlined and drafted in ninety minutes in Starbucks. 

~JS


[I removed the document because it had a macro attached that apparently contains a virus.  I'm sure it was non-intentional, but please resolve this before uploading another document.  —Ilan Bouchard]


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## mammamaia (Dec 27, 2006)

i wouldn't advise sharing something that was tossed off in a hurry... if you want a valid critique, it's best to go over your work and fix what needs fixing, before posting it... 

plus, most of us [me, included] won't go elsewhere to read material, so you should paste it into the post, instead of just linking a file, if you want the max number of comments...

love and hugs, maia


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## John Sapphire (Dec 27, 2006)

mammamaia said:
			
		

> i wouldn't advise sharing something that was tossed off in a hurry... if you want a valid critique, it's best to go over your work and fix what needs fixing, before posting it...



The timeframe in which I work has nothing to do at all with its quality. Read it before you pass judgement. I did go over it within that timeframe, and once more right before posting it, and I see nothing wrong with it. That's why I posted it in a writing forum in the first place.



			
				mammamaia said:
			
		

> plus, most of us [me, included] won't go elsewhere to read material, so you should paste it into the post, instead of just linking a file, if you want the max number of comments...



I attached it to the post to keep the formatting. If you don't wish to devote several seconds to download my scene, I don't want your critique.

~JS


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## huni (Dec 27, 2006)

I am (and I'm sure others are as well) quite willing to click and read. Unfortunately when it is in .doc form it cannot be opened by my Mac. I have missed some poetry by others for that reason. Never mind - I tried. huni : )


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## John Sapphire (Dec 28, 2006)

How odd. I'm on my MacBook Pro right now. Ah well, here it is, minus the lovely formatting.

The Countess and the Volvic
By John Sapphire

SCENE – The drawing room of a flat on Half Moon St., London. MYCROFT HOLMES IV sits at a table, writing whimsically.

Hol.    I cannot see why the Times insisted on my letter before Tuesday. The editor that phoned was somewhat quixotic and entirely detestable. Though I would prefer to think my ennui was inasmuch as my having to write this letter, I am forced to attribute it to my lull in business. 

Enter the young COUNTESS OF BASILDON, carrying a small purse and wearing a delightful hat.

Bas.    My dear Mr Holmes, I have come to you in an hour of great need.
Hol.    Really? I am honoured, countess, but my rates are quite steep.
Bas.    Money is not a difficulty. In five minutes time I can have my Swiss bank wire a hundred thousand pounds into your personal account.
Hol.    Impressive figure.
Bas.    Thank you. All my figures are impressive. I have found that if things aren’t impressive, they are depressive, and therefore detestable. 
Hol.    What exactly is your difficulty? I am happy to be of service in any way I can.
Bas.    Well, like any self-respecting countess, I consume a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water a day. My staff are taking their holiday this weekend, so I am essentially a perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular, young Englishwoman for two days. That is, as perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular, young, and English one can be without a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Sainsbury’s has no Volvic Natural Mineral Water whatsoever, in units of a litre and a half or otherwise, so I have come to you for assistance.
Hol.    An interesting predicament, your countessness, but I believe I can restore peace in your land by aiding you in this epic quest!
Bas.    Oh, thank you, thank you! There is no greater force on the planet than Volvic!
Hol.    Before I can begin suspecting innocent civilians, I must examine the Sainsbury’s in question. 
    (gesturing appropriately)
    Onward!
Bas.    (breaking into song)
…Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe; forward into battle see his banners go!

Cross MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON to Tottenham Court Road Station.

Hol.    Countess, we have encountered an obstacle! The Northern Line is closed, and so is our path to Warren Street Station!
Bas.    The Northern Line is closed? Good. I detest the buskers there. They insist upon playing Gregorian chants. No one likes Gregorian chants.
Hol.     But how shall we overcome the obstacle?

A moment of thinking.

Bas.    I have it! We shall take the Victoria Line. The buskers should be to Act III of La Forza del Destino in five minutes time. I certainly hope they have replaced the flautist I saw last Thursday. She was simply dreadful.  

MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON cross to Warren Street Station. 

Bas.    Horror! The escalator has stopped escalating! How ever shall we get up?
Hol.    It isn’t that far, Countess.
Bas.    (incredulously)
Not that far?!? The distance is monstrous! There is no possible way I can climb it! I am a countess. I never take exercise. Exercise is for people who can’t resist pouring sugar into their tea and smearing praline spreads on their scones at tea. 
Hol.    Still, countess, we are almost there! Sainsbury’s is just around the corner from the station! If you can climb the six and a half flights of stairs, we will one step closer to Volvic! 
Bas.    If we were to be six and a half flights of stairs worth of steps closer to Volvic, then perhaps. But not now. As of now, we need some sort of ally. Someone that will help us in our hour of need! I know whom! Jasper Darlington Higgins III!

THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON opens her purse and taking her SMALL CALICO, places him onto the escalator. He runs the length of it and at the top presses a button labelled ‘Emergency Re-Start Button. Warning: Small Calicos Only.’

    Excellent work!

Cross THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON and MYCROFT HOLMES IV to Sainsbury’s Market.

Hol.    How very mysterious. Sainsbury’s is suspiciously out of Volvic. And in its place is ‘Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink’
Bas.    Dr Decadence? He sounds very corrupt!
Hol.    Indeed it does, countess. Indeed it does…what’s this?
    (pulls a note off one of the bottles)
    ‘Dear workers, I, Dr Decadence have achieved my dream of destroying the good and politically correct Volvic and replacing it with the evil and socially unaccepted “Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink!” Now, no Sainsbury’s in all of London carries the good and politically correct Volvic anymore. I HAVE TRIUMPHEND! Yours Truly, Dr Decadence’
Bas.    ‘I have triumphed’? He’s a bit redundant. Though he is very talented in switching moods quickly. Going straight from ‘I HAVE TRIUMPHED!’ to ‘Yours Truly, Dr Decadence,’ is quite an accomplishment.
Hol.    His talent isn’t the point. The point is that we haven’t any Volvic in all of London!
Bas.    Horror!
Hol.    But he didn’t say anything about Basildon. Does it still have Volvic?
Bas.    You know, I haven’t checked. I am so used to my servants doing my shopping I came straight to London to shop at Sainsbury’s (which I know) the moment I ran out. 
Hol.    Wait…What’s that sound?
Bas.     It sounds like a very large delivery truck!
Hol.    What could it be carrying?

Enter LARGE DELIVERY TRUCK, being driven by the SMALL CALICO.

Bas.    It’s Volvic!
Hol.    Being driven by Jasper Darlington Higgins III!
Bas.    We’re saved!
Hol.    Countess, if you would, once you purchase your Volvic, wire those hundred thousand pounds you spoke of into my personal account?

Curtain drop.

The End.


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## John Sapphire (Jan 3, 2007)

Bump. Is there a reason my thread is being ignored?


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## A Simple Man (Jan 3, 2007)

Answer: You are tiresome.


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## branbran (Jan 3, 2007)

It looks okay for a 90 minute draft.  What do you plan to do with this?  Or is was it just an exercise?  I think the humor works with the subjects.  I could see this as something The Monty Python would put on, except they would have to carry the story over to another and layer the whole thing....Which is very fun to watch.


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## John Sapphire (Jan 6, 2007)

Thanks Branbran, it was an exercise. I very much enjoy Monty Python; Flying Circus is probably my favourite.

SM: Thank you for the bump.

~JS


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## A Simple Man (Jan 6, 2007)

np


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## A Simple Man (Jan 6, 2007)

enjoyed the piece


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## A Simple Man (Jan 6, 2007)

ur still tiresome


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## John Sapphire (Jan 12, 2007)

I guess that's the best I could have expected, given the circumstances. Thank you anyway.


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## seawings (Jan 13, 2007)

John Sapphire said:
			
		

> Hol. I cannot see why the Times insisted on my letter before Tuesday. The editor that phoned was somewhat quixotic and entirely detestable. Though I would prefer to think my ennui was inasmuch as my having to write this letter, I am forced to attribute it to my lull in business.


As an opening...it doesn't draw you into the story. Then, the story seems a bit sophomoric or “tongue in cheek”…perhaps that is the intent.


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## John Sapphire (Jan 14, 2007)

I considered various other openings that related more to the actual plot, but they were all rather stupid.


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