# November 2013 - LM - The Space In Between - Scores



## Fin (Nov 21, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Space In Between


Let’s all hope our missing judge is okay as we send our gratitude to KyleColorado for filling in. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Folcro, KyleColorado, J Anfinson and Spartan928 for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**KyleColorado**J Anfinson**Spartan928**Average**Ghosts of the Maze*1218.25151815.81*Sokko*1416.5151515.12*Smith*1117191716*Euripides*1417.5161615.87*Midnightpoet*1016.5171715.12*Staff Deployment*1617.75201617.43*Cadence - The Bins*1217.5141314.1*Dictarium*1318.25131715.31*Pennywise*616.5141212.1*Pidgeon84*817181614.75*godofwine*1018.75191816.43

In third place, we have *Smith* with his entry *200 Meters.*
In second, we have *Godofwine* with his entry *The Getaway.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *Staff Deployment* with his entry *The Day I Became a Ghost.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

*Ghosts of the Maze
"The Space Between the Stones"
Grammar: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
12/20*

Grammar suffered from a few missing words, periods that should have been colons or dashes, and a few unnecessary commas.

Tone suffered by these same issues, as well as overuse of the word "bothered," and wording like "imperceptibly slowly."

I like how each paragraph is a different point in the history of their relationship (with spaces in between). Different, and momentarily difficult to keep up with, but I like it a lot.

However, you never established how old these people were, throwing me for a loop the first time around. I read "middle-aged child" as a ten year old. I had no idea what was going on, which was not aided by having to get used to the style. I liked the line "afraid of watching it die" and the other subtleties connoting his lover's death. Extra point for that.

Reminiscing on one who is now dead is a tired concept, and especially risky when given so little time to make it fresh. I admire the attempt, and see the potential. But as is, it doesn't hit the mark for me.


*Sokko
"Spacing out"
Grammar:5
Tone:4
Effect:5
14/20*

The grammar seemed perfect to me. If I missed anything, it was benign enough.

Ironically. the tone could have scored perfectly if this piece had fewer words. You properly employ short sentences to build tension, but there were a few unnecessary words and even sentences ("hands... withdrew themselves, for instance) without which this piece could have flowed much better. Some passive sentences jarred me as well.

In all, this seemed like an excerpt rather than an independent flash. In principle, I have no problem with this, but the operate word is _seemed_. The scene with red vision and violent laughing and a gun meant nothing to me, but by all means could have had I the proper background. Also, I didn't fully understand John's anger.

I was looking for a deeper application of the prompt. I saw it pop up in your prose here and there, but failed to see it in the story. My failure? Possible. And I don't see how I have the authority to hold it against you in either case. I'm still curious to know if it is there.


*Smith
"200 Meters"
Grammar: 5
Tone:3
Effect: 3
11/20*

I was never one for oversimplifying war; war is not always heartless and rarely mindless. I understand this is the character's opinion, but his opinion is the focus of the story, and I find it ineffective.

*Groaning muscles:* I hope you meant the throat muscles.

*Distracting him from his questioning:* Sounded more like complaining--- I didn't see any question marks.

The expository thought was jarring every time it appeared.

The bulk of the effectiveness this piece has to offer is in the final two paragraphs. I'm not sure why this is bugging him all of a sudden (I assume "he forgot what it felt like" means he had been doing it for so long he went, as you say, "numb"), but the human mind is a strange thing. However, the line "so he had come to an impasse": I took a point off for that; it's insulting. You already showed me he was at an impasse. Did you think I wasn't smart enough to see without your pointing it out to me?


*Euripides
"Overlooked"
Grammar: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 6
14/20*

You are good with visuals, but you tend to overdo it. That Anita "looked up from the map" suggests on its own that she "stopped tracing." "While she sat and thought" was unneeded because the story suggests that there is something other than tracing on her mind. Words are precious--- here and everywhere--- don't waste them.

The exposition was saturated, particularly the paragraph discussing the red tape. Some of it was important to make us understand Anita's hard work, but I think it could have been done more effectively, especially as there is an expository paragraph shortly after--- a much more needed one.

I like the concept of the flower, but I think the story would have been more effective had you described, in violent detail, the destruction of the flower. In fact, I think the story's focus should have been Anita's looking at the flower, thinking about all the red tape, the politics and sexism she had to go through--- how could she let a flower get in her way? I would have found that to be far more effective.


*Midnightpoet
"Allah's Gift"
Grammar: 5
Tone: 2
Effect:3
10/20*

Egan's meeting Alia at the university already suggests that she was enrolled there. Confirmation in a small story like this is only a waste of words.

*"Are you nuts?":* Is Alia Americanized, or is this also an Arabic expression? Or was it a mistake? I'll give you the benefit of my ignorance on this, but watch yourself.

Also, and I do appreciate that this can be difficult to avoid in stories like these: half of what Alia says is pure exposition--- as though she was talking to the audience, and not a man whose child she bares. It makes the dialogue unnatural and detaches the reader from the characters.

Again, my ignorance prevents me from penalizing you here... but it doesn't seem to me that this is a portrayal of a normal Arabic family. Though even if it is an extreme case, which I can believe, what I cannot believe is that an extreme Islamist will so easily be swayed by the words of two women, one of whom he disowned, and an infidel. It was lazy, and I'm not with it. Solid grammar kept you in the double-digits score-wise.

As a side note, try to refrain from titling your stories with a word or words considered by many to be sacred.


*Staff Deployment
"The day I became a ghost"
Grammar: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 8
16/20*

Good opening sentence: A long, surreal concept followed by "I called my ex to apologize", and the apology itself: a proper application of the style this competition demands.

There are few problems with the writing and all of them easily fixable:

*Phone line:* Just say "line."

The sentence involving the word "simultaneously" would have flowed better had it not involved the word "simultaneously." Other such superfluous words exist. You'll find them. But do it more quickly next time.

Why did he stay on the line with this strange woman to begin with?

This is an especially creative and refreshingly humorous work. It presents to me a different kind of world. And I want to be there. Well done.


*Anonymous
"The Bins"
Grammar: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 4 
12/20*

I acknowledge that you properly disclaimed the "mature" (though I prefer to call it "childish") language of this story, and I understand that different people speak with different dialects and varying degrees of intellect, which is why I did not penalize you for the dialogue; but the pervasive swearing of the narrative shattered the mood for me. It didn't work when Salinger did it. It doesn't work here.

On the other hand, I found it vexing that a person who holds "fuck" as his favored verb, adjective, gerund and noun uses the phrase "homosexual rape," instead of the obvious alternatives that to name which would make this review far too long.

*Pressed his face right up against his eyeballs:* Eh?

*Going around Mallick's mug:* Word that better.

Well, the dialect did hold up alright, and it's always good to read a different kind of tone in the narrative than the standard. Grammar is difficult to judge in such a case, so I left it mostly to punctuation, which also held its own more or less. 

As for effect: an interesting little setup, befitting to a larger work perhaps, but shock value rarely does it for me, and there was little more I took from this scene (as it stands on its own) than that.


*Dictarium
"Windowals"
Grammar: 3
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
13/20*

I like what you're doing in the opening paragraph: zooming from a sunrise, to a city, to a building, to people. Each level of this zoom should be, at the very least, its own sentence:

"The sun came up from behind the distant mountains to greet the quaint valley below. Its light slowly rolled over the Shinelight City building."

Also, watch those adjectives. I underlined the ones you definitely don't need. and "rolled slowly" is preferable.

You should take to calling it "Shinelight" most of the time, instead of "Shinelight City," even though the latter is the formal.

There were a few other typos that should have been detected... You could have really boosted your score.

You establish dystopia well--- I could tell, even before the reveal, that there was something not right about this alright place. In fact, I found the description of the city far more effective than the reveal: the strive to overcome despair through the bitterness of obligation; obedience through desperation with that rising hint of distrust.

The fact that this is an info dump is not what spoiled the experience for me--- though I ardently believe that you should pursue this idea on a grander scale (short story at the very least)--- it was that reveal. Sometimes reveals are cool, like in the Matrix. But the Matrix started boring and became interesting. This was the opposite. You don't need that reveal, or any for that matter.


*Pennywise
"What Lies Behind?"
Grammar: 2
Tone: 2
Effect: 2
6/20*

I noticed many examples of run-on sentences and misplaced or missing punctuation. I appreciate that English may not be your first language, but in fairness to the competition, I must hold my expectations constant. The dialogue also fell flat.

Now, in flash, it can be very tempting, and sometimes effective, to build your story around a punchline. But it can also be dangerous: if the punchline falls flat, there will probably be little to nothing else to take away from the story. I found this punchline ineffective. Were this something that had actually happened, and I had read about it in a local paper or magazine, it might get a light chuckle out of me. But I expect more of a creative mind.


*Pidgeon84
"Junkie Logic"
Grammar: 3
Tone: 2
Effect: 3
8/20*

I will say that opting out of writing their accents was a mercy, and I thank you for it.

On the flip side, I found the dialogue very basic. The two sound like the same person. Clearly, Maggie is, while an addict, more than a drone. Her independent mind should have resonated in the few lines of dialogue she had, instead of the exposition.

To be honest, I'm not sure what the point of this piece was. Was it to talk about the similarities between the Gospel and Marxism? A social commentary on the rich and the poor? The horrors of drug use? How male dominance prevails even in the lowest tiers of society? All of these issues arise, but none of them defined. One of these can barely be justified in so short a time span, let alone the lot.

You have to take advantage of what little room this contest gives you and make your statement.


*Godofwine
"The Getaway"
Grammar: 4
Tone: 2
Effect: 4
10/20*

The second sentence made the first one superfluous, don't you think?

I'd probably be a bank robber as well if the police were this incompetent. A 2-hour lockdown? A cop just turns away from a bankrobber? Why did he turn his head slightly to the left? He didn't have a reason to. And his corruption is all the more reason not to turn his back on a fellow scoundrel.

I liked the line "too much to get help, but too little to cover the mountain of debt..." although the cancer-child was laughably contrived.

I failed to see the cleverness behind the robbery. The explanation was literally "prosthetics and detail to the nth degree." And the outcome didn't give me that punch for which some of the elements here showed potential.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=KyleColorado’s scores]

*The Space Between the Stones
by
Ghosts of the Maze*


Heavy. Sad. Poignant. I enjoyed how the bamboo plant became a metaphor for their relationship, or more so, for her state of mind and being, the way it withered and began to die. I especially liked the lines, "…dark notes in her pocket, jotted down on napkins. Memoirs ranting to nobody." A great rhythm to your prose. You have a very elegant and perceptive style when it comes to the human condition.


*18.25/20*



*Spacing Out
by
sokko*


Powerful and dramatic. John's phobia infected me as I read it, and I could feel the walls closing in, the microbes slithering across the pores of my skin. Very intense deep POV here. I thought the ending was a little heavy-handed, but I appreciate the shock-value of it, as well. Rick's arrogance has pushed John over the edge for the last time. This was written in a very in-the-moment style that made it both engaging, and a quick, immersive read. Well done.


*16.5/20*


*200 Meters
by
Smith*


A very cool scene, full of heavy thoughts and questions. There's a lot of story surrounding this soldier's trek up the hill to his soul-questioning sniper position. I would have very much enjoyed reading more of it, but, of course, the parameters of flash fiction don't allow it. I was hoping for a little more action from the main character (not necessarily "action" in exciting sense, but "action" in the physical sense). Much of the scene takes place in the soldier's head. I think, if you balanced it out with a bit more physical movement, the scene would be better as a result. Still, I found it both interesting and thought-provoking. Great atmosphere, too. Nice writing.


*17/20*


*Overlooked
by
Euripides*


I smiled at the end, when Anita's secret was revealed. A nice touch, and a clever way to tie in with the prompt. I found it interesting to have this unique glimpse into the world of construction and development, a facet of life I have little to no experience in. I thought there was a lot of exposition (backstory being explained to the reader), but you pulled it off well by interlacing it with Anita's interaction with Seth. I felt like the conversation with Seth didn't really add much to the story. It was there, yes, and it served its purpose, but I believe you could have come up with something stronger, more intense, or more emotional in some way. Still, a very good flash piece, and written with a great ending twist. I enjoyed it. Nicely done.


*17.5/20*


*Allah's Gift
by
midnight poet*


Lots of conflict in this piece, with two miniature scenes. Very simple, clean writing, with very on-the-nose emotional triggers.  I would have enjoyed reading a larger story with this as part of it. It seems like this could lead into some very tense, exciting moments. I enjoyed the way each character came into the story with their own unique motivations. That's a solid skill to have in fiction--the ability to distinguish characters and give them each their own reasons for acting the way they do. The physical movement and the settings were extremely sparse, though I understand the low word-count restriction likely played a role in that. Had the setting been fleshed out more, and had their been more physical movement from the characters (rather than mostly dialogue), I would have scored a bit higher. But, regardless, I consider this solidly-written fiction. Nice job.


*16.5/20*


*The Day I Became a Ghost
by
Staff Deployment*


Very comical and clever. Written with an effortless sort of prose. You touch on some very profound concepts, though you tickle them rather than wrestle with them, coaxing the humor out of all of it. The style and subject matter reminded me of Kelly Link, who also likes to skip along the fine line between the bizarre and the absurd, while still maintaining a grasp on solid fiction-writing mechanics. Top marks for creativity, and you breeze through the scene without any real difficulties from a technical perspective. Like someone once said, "Easy reading is tough writing." And you pulled it off. Well done.


*17.75/20*


*The Bins
by
??*

Strong scene, full of conflict and tension. A clash of urban gangs, and we live it through the head of one of the members. I would have liked some more setting, to really immerse me in the scene. What color was the sky? Was it cold? Was the asphalt slick with dew, or "dry as a burnt piece of sh*t"? A bit more balance of setting and physical movement would have made this scene REALLY pop, which is already very strong with dialogue and the main character's head-voice. Just a bit more of those two elements (setting, and physical movement) and I would have scored this much higher. But as is, I very much enjoyed it, and if this were part of a longer story, I'd have definitely kept reading to see what happened next. Strong writing.


*17.5/20*


*Windowals
by
Dictarium*


Awesome concept. Great atmosphere. A little heavy on the exposition, but with the brevity of a piece like this, it makes sense that it would end up this one. There's a lot of information to be told and not much alternatives to telling it. What would have elevated my score would have been a main character for me to relate to. An individual working in the power plant. And possibly, a second individual living in the prison. Instead of funneling the knowledge to the reader from an omniscient, disconnected narrator, this same knowledge could have been funneled through two different characters, with different voices. Had you done so, I likely would have scored you extremely high. Still, as is, I loved the concept, and thought you wrote very elegantly. I'm reminded of a short Anime film I saw, about a child living in a manufacturing city with his father. The child idolizes his father and wishes to work as a cannon operator like his father does. The civilization built their lives upon the belief that they were perpetually at wore with another civilization. Every morning they woke and new orders were printed: Today, the enemy is at 14.293.2939.2458.20. And so the civilians would aim their giant cannons toward those coordinates, and spend all day firing and reloading the giant ammunition. At the end of the film, a vast, empty desert land was shown, full of the craters and detonated shells of the city, so that the viewer comes to the realization: there is no enemy. Their entire life and purpose for living is a lie. Kind of like your story. Both very cool. 


*18.25/20*


*What Lies Behind?
by
Pennywise*


A light-hearted story that disguises itself as a horror short. Everything pulled me along into wondering, "What Lies Behind that wall?" At the end, I couldn't help smiling at the trick you'd pulled on me. Nice job playing with expectations and flipping the script on a conventional ghost story. I felt the characters could have been explored a bit more, everything seemed kind of "on the surface", though that could have been a result of the short word count. Although, the breezy, almost nonchalant delivery worked well with the style of ending you chose. It wasn't a deep, heavy story, and due to a lack of emotional depth, it didn't earn as high marks from me as I would have liked, but I enjoyed reading it, and your cleverness was a nice touch. Well done.


*16.5/20*


*Junkie Logic
by
Pidgeon84*


Your title fits aptly with Rory's worldview. There's a sort of chaotic beauty to this piece, like admiring the imperfections of a broken-down shed, or gaping in awe at the aftermath of a ravaging storm. Seeing the crime-embracing existence of Rory and Maggie is both troubling, and fascinating. I would have liked it more had the story been funneled more through Maggie's POV, so we could not just see Rory, but also, make me fall in love with Rory the way Maggie loves him. For that reason, this story didn't score as highly as I believe it could have. Don't be afraid to fully immerse the reader into the POV of one of your characters. Maggie seemed like an excellent pair of glasses to slip on, but I only felt like I got a glimpse through them. Still, I enjoyed this a lot, and I thought the concept, and the execution, were both done well.


*17/20*


*The Getaway
by
GodofWine*


Very cool scene. I appreciated the clean prose, the simplicity of the language, while still giving me enough depth to sink into Carwell's POV. There was a nice balance of setting, movement, exposition, and thoughts in this, a nearly mathematical precision of all four that kept the story moving along with like a steady water current. The surprise at the end was both satisfying and clever. Overall I thought this was very well done, and something I could easily see from a popular crime drama, or possibly a scene from a gritty heist movie. Very well done.


*18.75/20*
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=J Anfinsons’ scores]

A note to the entrants: One of the things I like about judging is that you learn so much by looking closely at what other people did. Thanks for teaching me new tricks. 


*Ghosts of the Maze**
“The Space Between the Stones"
Spelling/Grammar:  5
Tone/Voice:  4
Effect:  6
Overall: 15*_

This was a good story, though it seemed sort of rushed. I also think it would have been better if there was dialogue. It’s told so straightforward that we’re not all that privy to what he’s thinking, what she’s thinking, or what their conversations are like. I liked the way you tied the prompt into this one, though. Nice.

_
_*Sokko*_*
“Spacing Out"
Spelling/Grammar:  5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: 15*_

You had me, the story was going great…and then the ending. Cliffhangers don’t do too well in fiction, for the most part. Especially when the reader doesn’t get the answers they’re hoping for. Answers to questions like, “Why would Rick want to kill John?”, or “Does John actually pull the trigger?”_

_Glad to see a new face at the LM. Hope you strive to learn from others and join us next month._

__
_*Smith*_*
“200 Meters"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*_

Loved this one. There was a good mix of detail/vs action, and the dialogue and thoughts were realistic, I thought. This is one of the few times I’ve liked a cliffhanger type ending, and it’s because you left the character in turmoil trying to make a choice. Nicely done, I’m impressed and may have learned something, myself.

_
_*Euripides*_*
“Overlooked"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*


> Anita traced her pencil over “the” outline on the map again…


Just a little nit there. Other than that, I liked this story. This was a good use of the prompt and had a good ending. Hope to see you next month.

__
_*midnightpoet*_*
“Allah’s Gift"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*


> “Alia! How dare you show your face here?”


 
Should be an exclamation point, I think. Overall I found this to be an entertaining piece. Good dialogue, good flow. Not bad at all.

__
_*Staff Deployment*_*
“The Day I Became a Ghost"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20*_

This was so funny I about peed myself. Definitely right up my alley, humor-wise. And a great story to boot. Utterly fantastic.

_
_*Anonymous*_*
“The Bins"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 14*_

I found the narrator’s voice to be odd, having a redneck dialect. That took a lot of effect away for me. Just didn’t seem natural. Other than that, it was fairly well written, and had a good ending.

_
_*Dictarium*_*
“Windowals"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: 13*_

I found the repetition of “shinelite”  every other word annoying. This one was hard for me to get through. I would advise that you try to eliminate redundancies like that in the future, as it killed the effect for me.

_
_*Pennywise*_*
“What lies behind?"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*_

House number 666 has been done to death. Matter of fact, if you’re into that kind of horror, google Jay Anson’s “666”. He also wrote “The Amityville Horror”. _

_I liked the general idea of there being space between the walls. I had a similar idea, but never found the time to write it this LM. Some of the dialogue could stand improvement, but I see you’re from India, and I’m guessing that English is a second language so I’ll say this is pretty good for someone who’s primary language is something else._

__
_*Pidgeon84*_*
“Junkie Logic"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*_

Loved this one. The dialogue was great, the description was wonderful, and the pacing was perfect. The only thing I might suggest is that there was no sense of time passing between when he got the cigarette and when he finished it. It was like he got it, lit up, and snuffed it out right away. Other than that, great story!

_
_*Godofwine*_*
“The Getaway"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*_

His thoughts were well done, the dialogue was good, and the plot was great. Not my favorite story this time, but it was really good, I thought. You’ve got some talent. Hope to see you next month. 

_
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Spartan928’s scores]

*Ghosts of the maze
"The Space Between the Stones"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

Your prose is strong and I enjoyed the tie-in with the bamboo as symbolic to the decline of the relationship. Structure and SPAG is excellent. Imagery throughout is very well done and the rhythm of your sentences flow very well. 

  The thing that I find missing is your reliance on description only throughout. No dialogue to give me a bit more insight or empathy into these characters as real people. I feel outside of the story. Although well written, the story left me wanting to be drawn in more. Yet, the structure around the prompt I felt was very creative and enjoyable. Nice work, look forward to reading more.


*sokko
"Spacing Out"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15

*SPaG *is good, no specific errors or omissions. Interesting take on the prompt.  I feel outside of this story because it is complete description. Your MC was intriguing, but there was no opportunity to empathize with him because of the reliance on describing everything to me rather than pulling me into the scene with some thoughts, feelings or conversation.*

The sentences are weighed down by excessive adjectives and adverbs;



*"The elevator door revealed a narrow space, faintly and intermittently illuminated by a flickering fluorescent bulb".

*

  I would like to see you strip out some of the superfluous descriptors and give me some internal or external dialogue to draw me into the story. Too much description makes the story feel rather empty of characterization I can relate to. Internal struggle and conflict would help me get into the characters more. Too many words "painting" the scenes, instead of story driving things forward. Dive into it with some human interaction at some point so we can get into the minds of the characters.
The conclusion feels a bit extreme. Murdering his partner for messing with him? Overall, you write well and the story has some cool potential.


*Smith
"200 Meters"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

*

*SPAG is excellent. * You cover the subject matter very well and seem well-informed. Enough to draw me into what is happening in a fluid way. 



*"War. The plight of the human race."

*

Here I felt like the story is starting to veer away from the scene a bit. Starting to run into philosophizing about the woes of war, but your use of dialogue the character is recalling reigns it back in. 
You use a lot of factual descriptors to back up what is happening in the story;



*"He had already known to take the scoped kar-98k off his back to reduce his silhouette on the horizon"

*

When I read that kind of description it feels too deliberate. Like you are educating the reader, which isn't bad necessarily. It doesn't ring natural to me, yet you have a lot of skill in the subject manner and I feel it would definitely go over well in a genre target audience this might be aimed at. Nice work!


*Euripides
"Overlooked"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16

*

Minor SPAG nits here and there.



*"traced her pencil over outline"*   the outline (?)



*"overlooked during the EIS"*   What's an EIS? Throwing out nomenclature relative to the character's industry isn't a huge problem, it just jars me out of the story momentarily because I'm not familiar with it. I like your tie-in with the prompt. It's creative and interesting. Well researched and thought out. 
The story loses some traction when you delve into the mechanics of real estate and the particulars of the deal at hand. For me, the story then becomes explaining why instead of just happening which I'm kind of craving in a short like this. A slight disconnect in my mind was the MC having more botanical knowledge of rare plant species than people living there, or the plausibility of her stumbling onto a rare plant that nobody else ever knew about. The last sentence has too much of a villainous mustache twirl feel to it, which doesn't jive with how I interpret the character. It feels a bit malicious but I don't think she is presented that way within the story. I'd like to see her being more conflicted about her choice. Given the limitations of the story it's tough, and overall your writing is strong and skillful.


*midnightpoet
"Allah's Gift"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17

*

  Good use of the prompt. You create a compelling sense of distance between the MC and her father as the antagonist. SPaG is excellent, nothing I saw that jarred me out of the story at all. Very good balance between description and dialogue. My only criticism is you cover a lot of dramatic ground in such a short space. In one respect it's a positive because you handle it well. In another it's a drawback because I'm just introduced to the antagonist and he immediately caves in, end of story. It's too abrupt for me to feel like it was plausible. There is a moment of high tension, and I am left wanting to see more conflict for the father to accept this than he had, because in that culture I imagine that situation to be a death sentence even though they are family. Also, the characters and dialogue ring as rather flat. Was left wanting some original dialogue to reveal something unique about the characters themselves to give them some personality. But again, to reiterate, what you chose to work with is dramatic and enjoyable and I thought the story was well written.


*Staff Deployment
"The Day I Became a Ghost"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

*

Minor SPaG nits, overall it's good;
  " The phone line strained.."  adjective feels out of context, attributing human qualities to a phone line.
  A fun, playful take on the prompt and was fun to read. Enjoyed the humor in the piece a lot.
   The lack of dialogue tags seem deliberate throughout and I was finding myself getting tripped up with who is saying what. The dénouement here is abrupt and caught me off guard and left me thinking; Say what? Why would she just up and stab him?  
  The dialogue itself was humorous and creative so I read the story straight through and enjoyed it. Sets up a great visual of the two characters and pulled me in and was a pleasure to read.


*Anonymous
"The Bins"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 13

*

SPaG isn't as strong as it could be. Story is weighed down by short monotone sentences and profanity that feels like it's trying too hard to be gritty but just gets in the way after constant repetition. Verb tenses jump back and forth throughout. I had to re-read this a few times to follow it. The dialogue and action seem to bounce around in multiple directions so it lacks any cohesion as a standalone story. It's a tough, urban scene and you convey that in the piece. But as a story it doesn't stand on its own for me. The conflict is too in your face for me to feel the drama behind it. I don't get pulled into the story because it's just a bunch of hoodlums threatening one another. Try and delve into a couple characters and give me something to relate to. An inner conflict where I can actually empathize with the characters in the story.


*Dictarium
"Windowals"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17

*

Minor SPaG nits, overall it's good;



*"…technologically advancement metropolis."* advanced metropolis



*"…labor of those laboring…" *awkward repetition



  Style is excellent overall. Your strong suit in this piece is your fluid writing. A very nice balance of  short, emphatic sentences with longer vivid imagery and descriptions. However,  your story gets bogged down in a kind of dissertation of what Shinelight City is all about before I get introduced to the irony of Shinelight City Building's power usage at the end. It was an original and interesting concept which could warrant more attention and exploration in a longer piece. I interpret the story that there is a great injustice occurring here to supply power to a prison, but it doesn’t quite have dramatic punch to me. I'm left wondering "what's the big deal sending power to a prison?" The execution is great, but the premise overall left me wanting. Prose is rhythmic and a pleasure to read.


*Pennywise
"What Lies Behind?"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 12

*

  SPaG needs some work. Periods jump in and out of quotation marks throughout. Punctuation in general is incorrect in numerous spots. Spelling of some words is incorrect.



*“But what is wrong with this house, it is a nice quiet neighbourhood and the price was a steal”.*
   Perhaps.."But what's wrong with this house? It's a nice quiet neighborhood and the price was a steal."



*"The house number is six hundred sixty six is Satan’s no and the staircase inside signifies troubles".*
"The house number is six hundred sixty-six. That's Satan's number and the staircase signifies trouble."
Or use 666, it's better to use numerals for larger numbers in my opinion.



*The more I talked to people around me got more theories and each one more bizarre than the other.*
Doesn't work the way it's written. Perhaps try;
Every person I talked to gave me a different theory; each one more bizarre than the next.



Dialogue tags are nearly absent and it gets confusing who is saying what. I feel like you are not sure how to balance dialogue with action so you just write out the dialogue and keep going. Brush up on how to properly write dialogue and your story will flow much better.
My main criticism of the story is you commit the sin of building up this cool, interesting, supernatural vibe and then kill it. You give me the impression this is a haunted house story and then deflate the drama at the end completely. Readers don't like to have tricks played on them. If you are building a haunted house story; deliver! You had a nice premise going so don't be afraid to run with it. Give me some drama and keep going right up to the end. Also, study up on your spelling, punctuation and grammar. A good place to start is with authors works you admire. Study them and note how they write out dialogue. Keep it up and good luck with future writing.


*Pidgeon84
"Junkie Logic"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16

*

Dialogue formatting throughout needs a bit of work;



*“Thanks mate.” Rory calls at him.*
  "Thanks mate," Rory calls at him.



  Junkie logic. I like the term and how you weave the story around it. It's a creative and interesting take on the prompt and I enjoyed reading it. Your choice of dialogue feels fitting for the most part and gives the characters some originality. Kind of a Tarantino vibe throughout, a la Pulp Fiction. The grammar issues detract somewhat in my opinion, but overall a cool read.


*Godofwine
"The Getaway"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18

*

SPaG is excellent throughout. Nice take on the prompt, compelling drama revolving around the theme of the story works well. Nice flow to the story. Your writing has an even pace and good rhythm. Descriptions are succinct and to the point and balanced with internal and external dialogue skillfully. The only drawback is the suddenness of the cop arriving at the dumpster. Two hours post-robbery, huddled in a dumpster and the police knocking seems a stretch but it's not a deal breaker. I liked the story and your writing made it flow nicely. Good job, hope to see more.
[/spoiler2]


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## Dictarium (Nov 21, 2013)

I understand the critiques of the repetition of the word "Shinelite" and the awkward premise of sending power to a prison, but, given how 2 of you spelled it "Shinelight" in your critiques, I have the feeling that you think that that was a spelling error. It was not. It is spelled that way so that "Shinelite City" anagrams to "Lies in the City". Not sure if I lost points for that, just thought I'd point it out.


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## Folcro (Nov 21, 2013)

Dictarium said:


> I understand the critiques of the repetition of the word "Shinelite" and the awkward premise of sending power to a prison, but, given how 2 of you spelled it "Shinelight" in your critiques, I have the feeling that you think that that was a spelling error. It was not. It is spelled that way so that "Shinelite City" anagrams to "Lies in the City". Not sure if I lost points for that, just thought I'd point it out.



If it's any comfort, I took no points off for that, nor would I have had I noticed it. Names can be spelt whichever way the author pleases. Unfortunately, I tend to pay less attention to names than I used to. Perhaps, as you've shown me, it's time to change that.


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## J Anfinson (Nov 21, 2013)

Dictarium said:


> I understand the critiques of the repetition of the word "Shinelite" and the awkward premise of sending power to a prison, but, given how 2 of you spelled it "Shinelight" in your critiques, I have the feeling that you think that that was a spelling error. It was not. It is spelled that way so that "Shinelite City" anagrams to "Lies in the City". Not sure if I lost points for that, just thought I'd point it out.



I didn't catch that, but I'm no good at anagrams. That's a nice touch. Actually I assumed you were just trying for a unique name.

Another thing I'd like to say to everyone is that I apologize for my critiques being brief this time around. I decided to give Nano a shot several days after it started and spent many nights trying to catch up to where I needed to be. So I critiqued as they came in and spent much more time writing than judging. I'll make sure to get more detailed in December. Oh, and when you're like 15,000 words behind when you start it's pretty darn hard to get caught up. I failed at that miserably. Oh well, at least I'm somewhere around 10,000 in now, which is farther than I've ever been so that's something.

See you all in December.


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## Staff Deployment (Nov 22, 2013)

\\/
Tough competition this time, even if it had to be quality over quantity. I was so certain godofwine would take this one! I'm surprised and honored.


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## escorial (Nov 22, 2013)

well done kidda


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## Jeko (Nov 22, 2013)

Still love using the LM for experimentation, for obvious reasons. Thanks to the wide variety of opinions; this reminds me why I avoid putting profanity in anything serious I write. 



> SPaG isn't as strong as it could be.



Could you please expand, Spartan928? I'm trying to turn myself into a SPaG Nazi (helps with the Eng Lit A-level).


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## midnightpoet (Nov 22, 2013)

Congrats to the winner, the story was well written.  I knew I'd get some criticism on the believability of my piece, but as I was writing this, I thought about the young girl who was shot by the Taliban for simply wanting an education, and how brave she has been, and that was how I was viewing the character of Alia.


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## spartan928 (Nov 22, 2013)

Cadence said:


> Still love using the LM for experimentation, for obvious reasons. Thanks to the wide variety of opinions; this reminds me why I avoid putting profanity in anything serious I write.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you please expand, Spartan928? I'm trying to turn myself into a SPaG Nazi (helps with the Eng Lit A-level).



I interpreted some of the jargon as misspelling, which in retrospect, is a short-coming of my own. Perhaps a Google or two was in order. Seems ****en is perfectly acceptable. Sorry man, your SPAG is actually quite impeccable. My street slang however is not.


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## midnightpoet (Nov 22, 2013)

I also noticed how much difference one judge can make on this competition.  I'm not criticizing Folcro, but I noticed, that for example godofwine may well have won without Folcro's low score.   Mainly I believe it shows the wide range of opinions on any critique, and this is a good thing.   I do appreciate the critiques on my own piece.


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## J Anfinson (Nov 22, 2013)

midnightpoet said:


> I also noticed how much difference one judge can make on this competition.  I'm not criticizing Folcro, but I noticed, that for example godofwine may well have won without Folcro's low score.   Mainly I believe it shows the wide range of opinions on any critique, and this is a good thing.   I do appreciate the critiques on my own piece.



The same could be said for my high score with Staff Deployment, so that's true.


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## godofwine (Nov 22, 2013)

I had been away for a while, busy at work, and I missed the October LM. I logged in on November 13th and saw that the contest ended the following day @7PM so I got busy writing. Initially I had planned to have the cop car at the end of the long alley appearing empty, but the Google maps satellite did not have a clear view of the other end of the alley that housed the dumpster but I ran out of words to place the car there and not take away from what I felt was other important details for the story. In the end, "an empty police car sat at the far end of the alley" would have better explained where the cop came from, even if I had to fudge the actual alley description.

I am honored to place so high, and this is further proof that my writing is improving. Amateur writers like me use free contests like this not only for the competition, but the practice and the objective and constructive criticism that sometimes may or may not truly reflect our talent. I will keep trying and hopefully finish my novel within the next year. Congrats on your victory, Staff Deployment, and thank you so very much for your recognition of my story.

The "easter eggs" I write into all of my stories are : 
The use of Midwestern towns/cities 
The use of names from famous Black people in history 

My story takes place in Columbus, a midwestern town. Stephen King always uses Maine or some other New England area city, so in paying my respects to him I do something similar. The locations are either taken from places I have been or from Google Maps, so one could actually go visit the locations in even my stories. The names I use are always are famous Black people in History as my way of paying tribute to my history. The name Carwell Morton was taken from Carwell Gardner, a former NFL fullback on the Buffalo Bills in the early 90’s when the team went to 4 straight Super Bowls; and Joe Morton, a Black actor known for roles on Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Brother from Another Planet and currently as Olivia Pope’s father on the popular TV show Scandal. Tricia, the bank teller, was taken from Dr. Tricia Rose, Professor of Africana Studies and Director of the Center for the Study of Race and Ethnicity in America at Brown University. Even in short stories I try my best to build a world that is as real as possible.


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## godofwine (Nov 22, 2013)

midnightpoet said:


> I also noticed how much difference one judge can make on this competition.  I'm not criticizing Folcro, but I noticed, that for example godofwine may well have won without Folcro's low score.   Mainly I believe it shows the wide range of opinions on any critique, and this is a good thing.   I do appreciate the critiques on my own piece.



It is not as much that I didn't agree with one of the judges scores, but I didn't understand it. The scoring seemed a bit harsh and subjective. I understand that I built it differently than he would have done it, but when writing fiction, and with a finite number of words, one must try to both write a good, engaging story and make sense. There is a friend I know who is in a similar situation with the mountain of debt and a kid that is constantly sick, not cancer, but some kind of disorder that keeps having him go back and forth to the hospital. The father is going under with the weight of it all and he can't get help. To say that the second sentence was superfluous did not make sense to me because in the first sentence I described the area's conditions, which could have been anywhere from a condemned house to an underpass and in the second sentence I viewed the situation with a wider angle lens. 

Later on the policeman didn't turn his back on the criminal, but spoke into his shoulder walkie giving Carwell the fraction of open space that he exploited. Please let me know what you mean by tone and how I could improve on that and the other phase (Effect) in the future.


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## Smith (Nov 22, 2013)

Yes, sometimes judges can be harsh. I also feel that they can be lenient which also may have happened here.

Either way, I'd be more concerned with a judge who is biased towards or against a specific person. Some are just more naturally critical or perhaps experienced in reviewing. 

Thanks, I am very excited and proud to have reached 3rd place in only my second attempt. Hope to still achieve 1st place.


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## Lewdog (Nov 22, 2013)

Just look at Folcro as that harsh Olympic gymnastics or diving judge from Russia.  It all evens out.  It's ok to be harsh as long as you are brutally honest to everyone...except your grandmother, that would be just evil.


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## spartan928 (Nov 22, 2013)

As a first-time judge, I'll also chime in. The qualifications of being a judge are that you volunteer to do so. In my case, thankfully so, as I have no credentials whatsoever to judge anyone's writing. I have a hard enough time editing my own work. I did it to gain experience, learn something about writing from the work of others and enjoy the process. Which I did, and imagine all other judges did as well, so thanks again for the opportunity. Best of luck to everyone in future submissions.


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## Ghosts of the Maze (Nov 22, 2013)

I wouldn't worry about the scores. It's all subjective. You want to have some people like your stuff from a confidence aspect, but some people are just going to be into something else. I like this because you get 4 notes on a piece, which is more than you can guarantee on the other places to post on this site. That's not a shot at the system, its just that you can get lost in the shuffle, but here you know somebody's reading it. I managed to get one of these little things published a few months ago. And now I'll take another look at my piece, see how I can incorporate the notes, smooth it out and maybe get this published somewhere. That's a pretty good consolation prize. (says the guy with no medals, but still).

Thanks for reading guys.


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## Folcro (Nov 22, 2013)

Lewdog said:


> Just look at Folcro as that harsh Olympic gymnastics or diving judge from Russia.  It all evens out.



Oh, I like the sound of that...

And to godofwine: If you like, I can PM you a more extensive review.


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## godofwine (Nov 22, 2013)

Folcro said:


> Oh, I like the sound of that...
> 
> And to godofwine: If you like, I can PM you a more extensive review.



That would be fine. From your "Show/tell, I can see that you like to expound upon the situation in great detail, so likely when I said, "planned out to the nth degree and detail" there was nowhere near the amount of detail spelled out which drew your ire, so to speak because I'd just eluded to it and then glazed over it. I think I get that, now. I decided to skimp on the details in order to complete the arc of the story. In fact, those details and the cop sitting in the car with the seat back spotting Carwell going into the dumpster and then waiting until the heat died down to get the money himself was left on the cutting room floor since I ended up with exactly 650 words. I thought about having the cop escape with the booty, but thought a crafty, advantageous criminal was a better tale.

Ghosts of the Maze was right, it is rare to even get reviews or critiques on anything you write. You could be doing something wrong for years and, not being in college, could be doing something severely damaging - kind of like a kid playing basketball by himself who always carries (which is a turnover) when he drives to the hoop. When working alone it is difficult to spot the flaws in your own work.


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## Folcro (Nov 22, 2013)

The glossing irked me but was a small factor in my score. I'll provide you a deeper indulgence of my thoughts before long; tomorrow at the latest.


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## Pidgeon84 (Nov 22, 2013)

It's funny, what I thought were the drawback of my story were totally different from the reviews. Anyways, good job everyone


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## J Anfinson (Nov 22, 2013)

If anyone would like a more in-depth critique from me, shoot me a pm. I'd be happy to do so.


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## godofwine (Nov 22, 2013)

J Anfinson said:


> If anyone would like a more in-depth critique from me, shoot me a pm. I'd be happy to do so.



By all means. I can take it


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## Lewdog (Nov 22, 2013)

If anyone would like farther critiques of their critiques shoot me a pm!


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## Jeko (Nov 24, 2013)

> Seems ****en is perfectly acceptable. Sorry man, your SPAG is actually quite impeccable. My street slang however is not.



Don't worry; I took that spelling from Vernon God Little for it's phonetic appeal.


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## sokko (Dec 3, 2013)

Wow, really wanna say thanks to all the judges, especially for the criticisms. This is the first time  I've shared any writing in a long time, so the compliments are appreciated too. 

I was kicking myself for posting so early. New member jitters I guess, and I was really excited when I came across LM. 
Right after seeing the prompt I spent one night writing the story, and the next night massacring it down from 1100 words. 

After all the beers and tears, I couldn't bear to look at it anymore... so I posted it. Had to drag myself back here to look at the results.

Spartan, you were bang on about the missing dialogue and characterization. They're in a pile next to the chopping block. 
Folcro, I guess what remained is an excerpt of what it was. 
J Anfinson, right! The very next day I thought of modifications that may have satisfied those annoying questions. C'est la...
Kylecolorado, I'm glad what was left was a little bit entertaining.  Much thanks to you and everyone!

Maybe I'll put it back together and repost it in one of the fiction forums... maybe...


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## godofwine (Dec 3, 2013)

You are right about the chopping block. I just finished my entry in the December Contest and I have 717 words. Somehow I have to whittle it down without sacrificing the story



sokko said:


> Wow, really wanna say thanks to all the judges, especially for the criticisms. This is the first time  I've shared any writing in a long time, so the compliments are appreciated too.
> 
> I was kicking myself for posting so early. New member jitters I guess, and I was really excited when I came across LM.
> Right after seeing the prompt I spent one night writing the story, and the next night massacring it down from 1100 words.
> ...


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