# Thongs



## addie (May 19, 2018)

Sorry, I deleted it.  Trying to maybe share it somewhere else


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## Darkkin (May 19, 2018)

Decent rhyme scheme, but that is about the only thing that works in this piece...From a reader's standpoint poetic content is wholly absent.  :/  Captain Underpants mindset appeals to the 9 and under age bracket, wherein, it still possesses some humour.  This has the depth of a pie pan.  As a reader, I'm honestly wanting my time refunded, but that is my issue.

Clothes can tell a story, but like a carefully chosen garment, consider the story it has to tell.  Consider writing about something that has some meaning, not something that is changed everyday and no one really cares to know about.  Underwear is underwear...This being said, consider why a reader would want to hear about it?  These are basics that need to be taken into account.  You said you wrote this in high school, it shows. 

 As a forum member, consider what it is you are expecting from responses.  Praise, critique...Think about what it is you want, more critically, need when posting.  Is something like this in want of critique, when you wrote it in high school or is it an accurate representation of your current skills?  This is the baseline you set for other members conclusions, thus far. 

Just some thoughts,

- D.


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## addie (May 19, 2018)

Darkkin said:


> Decent rhyme scheme, but that is about the only thing that works in this piece...From a reader's standpoint poetic content is wholly absent.  :/  Captain Underpants mindset appeals to the 9 and under age bracket, wherein, it still possesses some humour.  This has the depth of a pie pan.  As a reader, I'm honestly wanting my time refunded, but that is my issue.
> 
> Clothes can tell a story, but like a carefully chosen garment, consider the story it has to tell.  Consider writing about something that has some meaning, not something that is changed everyday and no one really cares to know about.  Underwear is underwear...This being said, consider why a reader would want to hear about it?  These are basics that need to be taken into account.  You said you wrote this in high school, it shows.
> 
> ...



I appreciate the input, but I disagree with most of what you say.  It does have a theme and idea, but it does need a little work to get there.  It's more of a coming of age type of poem, one that made me think back to my confidence.  I reference this within the poem.

While I wrote this in high school, I have since adapted it to meet the rhyme scheme.  I'm also in college, so it wasn't that long ago.

Honestly, I think a women might understand this a bit more than a guy would... no offense there.  You can think of underwear as underwear, fine, but I like to think of my clothes as having just a little more significance than just being worn.  I think most women would agree with me on this.

I just threw this out there because I had written it, did not intend it to be deep, but it does have a message that is more than just for "9 year olds."  By the way, the tone is meant to be playful if that's what you mean.


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## Darkkin (May 19, 2018)

Female understanding...Hmm...Considering I am possessed of the XX chromosome, yeah.  The shallowness of the piece is a bit of an affront to any female who knows their own worth.  Clothes tell stories, look at Dolly and her Coat of Many Colours.  It is the difference between a g-string and Air on a G-String.  And just throwing a piece out there as you say, it is essentially telling the forum, I didn't take anytime with this and won't do anything more with it.  In essence, posting for the sake of posting with no thought as to content, or expectations.

- D.


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## addie (May 19, 2018)

Darkkin said:


> Female understanding...Hmm...Considering I am possessed of the XX chromosome, yeah.  The shallowness of the piece is a bit of an affront to any female who knows their own worth.  Clothes tell stories, look at Dolly and her Coat of Many Colours.  It is the difference between a g-string and Air on a G-String.  And just throwing a piece out there as you say, it is essentially telling the forum, I didn't take anytime with this and won't do anything more with it.  In essence, posting for the sake of posting with no thought as to content, or expectations.
> 
> - D.


Of course I care about what I post and the content within it... why else would I post it otherwise?  I'm not just throwing it out there.  I do have feelings for what I post, such as this one where I feel independent, free, more of a women, confidence, etc... maybe you don't see that in this piece, but that was my intention and I honestly don't see how everyone would overlook this.

I understand your reference, and that's great, but not every poem has to be the same.

I wouldn't have posted this if I didn't think it had any worth.  It's hard enough to even share work sometimes, let alone have people tell me that I post something without any intention.  That's a little extreme.

By the way, I spent A LOT of time on this.

You're saying a lot about me that isn't true.  You don't like the poem, fine, say you don't like it, but don't accuse me of posting without any intention because you don't like the poem.  I'm passionate about fashion, even if it's just the way it looks and the way it makes me feel.  I don't need someone telling me how I should feel or think about it.

Every poem means something different to everyone and if it doesn't mean anything to you, then move on.  It has plenty of meaning to me.

Unless you have something constructive to help me improve it, I don't need any mindless bashing toward my personal opinions.  Thank you, goodbye.


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## PiP (May 19, 2018)

Hi Addie, I enjoyed the poem. It reminded me of the day I dared to try a thong or as I call them, a  G-string



> it may feel weird
> butt floss they say
> but pain is power
> when I wear you today



butt floss is about right... and as they say: there is no gain without pain. 

In this stanza 

you’re a beautiful beacon
So small, so tight
So many colors
You look just right

I wonder if you could replace beautiful with trendy or whatever, as beautiful is repeated twice. I've inserted trendy, but another word may work better.

you’re a trendybeacon
So small, so tight

There is also some random capitalization at the beginning of each line, which, in my opinion is not needed. I mention it because this is something I was pulled up on recently.

you’re a trendy beacon 
xSox so small, so tight
xSox so many colors
xYoux you look just right

It's good to have poetry which brings a smile to the face and I am a great fan of Pam Ayres


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## Kevin (May 19, 2018)

A guy couldn't even comment on this without entering the creep zone. 
Okay... ( dammit! Shh! Just don't say anything else)


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## Darkkin (May 19, 2018)

addie said:


> I appreciate the input, but I disagree with most of what you say.  It does have a theme and idea, but it does need a little work to get there.  It's more of a coming of age type of poem, one that made me think back to my confidence.  I reference this within the poem.
> 
> While I wrote this in high school, I have since adapted it to meet the rhyme scheme.  I'm also in college, so it wasn't that long ago.
> 
> ...



In this is quoting 'my'  'my'  'my', in essence, the author's context and solely the author's context.  This is something the reader as a neutral third party is not privy to, nor should they be.  The reader only has the context of what is being presented.  I becomes the faceless narrator of the content.  As the fourth wall is in place, the author's context has no presence in the piece.  From a reader's standpoint this comes across as an affirmation of a stereotype.  It is only what one sees on the surface that matters, not what rests beneath.  The whole 'pretty' verses 'smart'  issue.  People who do not take you seriously simply because of what you look like.  

From a reader's standpoint, that stereotype was reenforced by the narrator's observations.  Underwear is changed daily, the growth of the individual is much subtler.  Just as people are not simply what they wear or how they look.  As a reader, I looked at the content sans author context, and what came across was only the surface matters, no more, no less.  Yes, the author has their connection and context, which provides much more meaning for them, as they took pleasure in the moment, but from a reader's aspect...The stereotype is a hard swallow.

- D.


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## addie (May 19, 2018)

PiP said:


> Hi Addie, I enjoyed the poem. It reminded me of the day I dared to try a thong or as I call them, a  G-string
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you for the advice, love the constructive criticism... it's really helpful and what you say makes sense.



Kevin said:


> A guy couldn't even comment on this without entering the creep zone.
> Okay... ( dammit! Shh! Just don't say anything else)


LOL it's okay.  A guy can input if he adds to the poem or theme.

I always admire different perspectives, nothing creepy about that.

Let's all be honest.  Writing is an explicit world.


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## jenthepen (May 19, 2018)

You should have been here a few months ago, addie. The Purple Pip Challenge was all about personification poems and this would have been a great fit (or maybe a tight and tiny fit)  for that competition. Your poem worked well for me - it was lighthearted and a bit of fun. You have some good, non-obvious rhymes in there and a decent rhythm which shows that you have a feel for poetic expression. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. 

I've been away from the introduction thread for a while so I'll grab this opportunity to say 'Hi' and welcome you to the poetry thread. 

jen


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## addie (May 19, 2018)

jenthepen said:


> You should have been here a few months ago, addie. The Purple Pip Challenge was all about personification poems and this would have been a great fit (or maybe a tight and tiny fit)  for that competition. Your poem worked well for me - it was lighthearted and a bit of fun. You have some good, non-obvious rhymes in there and a decent rhythm which shows that you have a feel for poetic expression. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
> 
> I've been away from the introduction thread for a while so I'll grab this opportunity to say 'Hi' and welcome you to the poetry thread.
> 
> jen



Awww thanks

I'm sure I will have other opportunities.

Right now I'm focusing on my novel "Bitchcraft" in the Beta section.  This was just a little something


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## Cugoano (May 19, 2018)

I'm a guy, I liked your poem...if you can bring a thong to life in a poem you have said something.


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2018)

Welcome, addie.

_Humm_, thinking of Coco Chanel - one very_ strong_ woman who created an empire due to her passion for fashion. I think if she were to have read your poem and feedback she would have stood up and applauded you by quoting herself:

_"_[FONT=&quot]_The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud". _


I found your poem to be to distinctively unique and thoroughly enjoyed it. And not only because I, too, see and feel the value of expressing oneself by making very visual, personal statements. This is one vivacious poem. Nothing frivolous about it. You entertain and provoke thought which is what good writing should be about.Worthy of a little tweaking but for now_, _here are a few examples which especially reached me.[/FONT]

But I felt a sensation,
a feminine bond-  Not a radical feminist statement but one that echoes an effeminate comaradery

You’re stretched between
these gorgeous buns
a hammock in style,  Fantastic personification and visualization.


Pink ones, blue ones
Polka dots and shiny sequins
g-string or v-string,
there’s so many decisions  Very lively. And there were times when women could not make choices for themselves.

you’re a beautiful beacon 'nough said!

Today, I said goodbye 
to this little girl
And became forever 21
in a woman’s world  Yes. Here, you point to "right of passage"

Looking forward to reading more of your work. And will be PMing you my "Little Orphan Avie" poem. I can see the two of them shopping... Silver~


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## addie (May 21, 2018)

SilverMoon said:


> Welcome, addie.
> 
> _Humm_, thinking of Coco Chanel - one very_ strong_ woman who created an empire due to her passion for fashion. I think if she were to have read your poem and feedback she would have stood up and applauded you by quoting herself:
> 
> ...


Thank you for the kind words.  I have followed up with your poem, and now since this was so popular I might have the urge for a follow up poem about "thongs."  Unless that's too much for everyone.


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## SilverMoon (May 22, 2018)

"Ode to Underwear"? - "Bring it Thong"? :tickled_pink:


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## Namyh (May 26, 2018)

addie - I want to thank you for this sensual impact to my male libido. It was better than that 5-Hour energy drink on TV and thanks also for putting a "thong in my heart" today. Enjoyed. Namyh


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## aj47 (May 31, 2018)

addie said:


> LOL I'm sorry this is so awkward, but I'm really into fashion and this I had made like back in high school, so I figured I'd share it.
> 
> Hello and welcome to the poetry board.  It's nice to look back on where we've come from ... this is a writing forum, though, and we will kibbitz and make suggestions.
> 
> ...





addie said:


> I might have the urge for a follow up poem about "thongs."



This might be your chance to do the tiny & tight thing.  

I enjoyed the longer one--you'll see my name with the thumbs-ups, but light poetry requires more from the poet and this isn't at the *Share on Facebook* level of execution at this point. I don't know if the form and subject go well enough together to make that possible. _Disclaimer: I write *lots* of seventeen-syllable work so I am not unbiased here. _ 

Whatever direction you go is up to you.  It's your poem.


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## addie (Jun 7, 2018)

astroannie said:


> This might be your chance to do the tiny & tight thing.
> 
> I enjoyed the longer one--you'll see my name with the thumbs-ups, but light poetry requires more from the poet and this isn't at the *Share on Facebook* level of execution at this point. I don't know if the form and subject go well enough together to make that possible. _Disclaimer: I write *lots* of seventeen-syllable work so I am not unbiased here. _
> 
> Whatever direction you go is up to you.  It's your poem.



What do you mean about the "share on Facebook" level?  People can share anything on Facebook.


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## aj47 (Jun 7, 2018)

People post anything on FB but they don't *Share* everything they see on their feed.  It's that explicit meaning I intended, where someone running across it thinks it's worth passing on to all their friends and it goes viral.


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## writersblock (Jun 7, 2018)

I liked it. And yes its just an item of clothing, but it  does tell a story and its meaningful. The symbolic bridge from girlhood to womanhood, and the ubiquitous pain of beauty came through to me in a clear, sometimes tongue in cheek manner. Thanks for sharing


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## addie (Jul 19, 2018)

writersblock said:


> I liked it. And yes its just an item of clothing, but it  does tell a story and its meaningful. The symbolic bridge from girlhood to womanhood, and the ubiquitous pain of beauty came through to me in a clear, sometimes tongue in cheek manner. Thanks for sharing


Lol I like how you say "tongue in cheek."  Could use that phrase in my poem.  Thanks for the comments.


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