# The Inevitable End



## Roac (Oct 6, 2017)

Over the past few days, the weather has really changed at my place. Watching the leaves fall from the trees inspired me to resurrect this (very) short story.



*The Inevitable End *​


I remember when the warm winds of summer would wash over me. A velvet touch that sent me into trembles. I was young then. Full of life. The world was new and grand and expansive around me, as I faced the warm sunshine.

Those were carefree days, when life was easy.

Then things changed. The velvet touch was gone, replaced by something much harsher. It came from another direction, unexpected.  I didn't like it but there was nothing I could do. Time marched on and I was nothing but a passenger. 

The world around me had grown dark and cold and I felt my body changing. Young and fresh had been replaced by old and frail. 

I hung on to my life with all my strength, as the cold hands of death fought to snatch my soul away. But I wouldn't let them. I was determined to survive. Many of my friends had already given in. Many were now gone. 

Then it happened. My strength wavered and I let go. The only world I had ever known was gone and I felt myself lost. Falling. Twisting and turning. Drifting in the wind until I came to a rest. 

Now my brown body is shriveled and decaying. There is nothing left for me. Soon I will be gone.

Death is inevitable. Icy and unforgiving.

As I wait on the ground to be raked into a pile. ​


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## Moonbeast32 (Oct 8, 2017)

Well that's a bit dark. I'm glad I'm not a leaf.

For how short it is, there's not much that stands out to me to be changed. So tell me what you think: Does the sentence, "Those were carefree days, when life was easy" need to be in there? Seems a bit like fluff to me.

I would also like to know what you intend to do with this story. Do you ever want to have it published?

While I'm not as capable of so thorough an analysis as what you usually see in this forum, to me this already looks like a final draft.


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## Jack of all trades (Oct 8, 2017)

Nicely done!


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## MPhillip (Oct 8, 2017)

Evocative.  

Perhaps shift a couple of the unnecessary comma's into positions where they are needed would cap this off as complete.


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## Roac (Oct 10, 2017)

Moonbeast32 said:


> For how short it is, there's not much that stands out to me to be changed. So tell me what you think: Does the sentence, "Those were carefree days, when life was easy" need to be in there? Seems a bit like fluff to me.



Moonbeast32, I see what you mean about the sentence being fluff. The story would still work, even if the sentence was removed…but I would hate to make this story even shorter!:tongue:

As for publishing, that is something that I have not thought about. Any suggestions?


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## SueC (Oct 10, 2017)

So nice. I am always envious of those who can write with such brevity, but convey a world of meaning. It's almost poetic. Good job you!


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## VonBradstein (Oct 13, 2017)

This is pretty good. It's one of those pieces I like but don't love. 

Primarily it is because I don't know that I really see any point being made. I know the obvious response to that is 'it does not have to have a point', and that's true - but wouldn't it be better as a work of fiction if it did? 

There's no real resolution here, no real conflict, no real interesting take. The concept of personifying a leaf is original, I guess, but the issue I have with this piece is that the voice is pretty weak (even by leaf standards) and as tight as the prose is/as good as the descriptions are I really, genuinely struggle to care. It may be because the narrative, even for flash fiction, lacks enough depth to fully articulate the story - or it may be that the idea just isn't all that interesting.

What I would do, personally, is look at modifying this into poetry. You clearly have talent at description and a bit of flair and I LOVE how you are able to bring out images without conducting a word dump. That is what poetry is for. Fiction requires a strong story or character study (ideally both) and this ain't it, however as a simple poem about fall it could work. I really am sorry to sound so negative. This honestly isn't bad, I just think its not quite there yet.


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## H.Brown (Oct 14, 2017)

Hello Roac,

You draw the reader into this short passage. You grip them and hold onto them sentence to sentence. The structure allows a fast pace when reading., I became emmersed and did not want to end.

However it feels rushed, I would have enjoyed it more if it was more drawn out, more explained. There are a lot of differents ways you could take this short story, so that the reader can enjoy this world more. I would love to see another rewrite of this story, but with it being longer.


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## Roac (Oct 17, 2017)

Interesting comments VonBradstein, I never really thought about this work as being a poem. This piece was just a little bit of fun I had one day and posted it to see what people thought about the style.

And I have no issues with negative comments. Everything helps as we all strive to be better.

Thanks for the comments!


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## Roac (Oct 17, 2017)

Thanks H.Brown!

This story idea came from a writing prompt about “Describe a leaf falling from a tree” and I just sat down and let the words flow (albeit, there weren’t too many). I am going to sit back and think about how I could make it longer and I am completely open to any suggestions. 

Thanks again for reading it and taking time to provide a review. Greatly appreciated!


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## kaminoshiyo (Oct 17, 2017)

I liked it. It was short and, yes, poetic. A brief view of life with a nice twist at the end. I found a lot of meaning in it as it is an easy metaphor of a human life. It's not world-shattering, but it didn't need to be and I don't think you meant it to be. It's brief and it's touching. It's not original, but neither is love and yet, when it touches you, it's meaningful every time. (maybe a little too sappy, that, lol)

Nice job.


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## Sumguy (Oct 23, 2017)

Roac said:


> Time marched on and I was nothing but a passenger.
> 
> ​



This really jumped out at me...what marches and carries passengers? Sorry, I tend to obsess at times lol. Otherwise, great little piece!


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## Renaissance Man (Oct 23, 2017)

Very creative story. Imaginative, certainly. I've been very busy and still am.

Have a good one.

Renaissance Man.


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## Pluralized (Oct 23, 2017)

Really nice emotional underpinning here, well portrayed without being grandiose. I liked the obvious parallels to human life when we discover the juxtaposition at the end. I think this is solid.


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