# I desperately need feedback!



## Ralph Rotten (Aug 30, 2019)

So the sales on my latest book have been extremely slow.
But my ad campaigns are driving people to Amazon (I can see the click-thrus).
So they like the cover, are getting all the way to Amazon, but not buying the book.

This leads me to believe that my hook or blurb is too weak.
I'm looking for feedback from fellow writers & readers.

Tell me what you think: https://amzn.to/2ZbNlkn

Is this hook gettin' it?


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## luckyscars (Aug 30, 2019)

I'm guessing here because I don't see any obvious problem. I think the blurb may be slightly vague.

I get that the story is a mashup of genre, so you don't probably have an automatic audience as you would with a straight-horror, SF, etc. And that's fine, a plus one for originality, but it's a problem for a lot of readers because buying this book (at a relatively high $5.99) is going to either be a complete punt or contingent on how much they have enjoyed your previous work and buying it on the strength of that alone. 

And even in the latter case, since this is being sold primarily as a humor-piece, they will likely base it not just on whether they liked your previous work but whether they enjoyed its humorous aspects...or just whether they enjoy humorous, campy writing more generally. I suspect a lot of readers of post-apocalyptic fiction aren't necessarily readers of humor, so they might give that one a pass. Sort of like how a lot of Stephen King readers won't go near _The Dark Tower _and the ones who do may not be interested in the campy horror shit he wrote, or something more real-world like _Carrie _or _Blockade Billy._

And therein lies a possible theory: You might have an issue with diversity among your readership. The blurb may or may not help with that - I don't think it's a bad blurb at all - but it also _might _help somewhat if it tied in with your previous work more clearly. Are there any common tropes or themes or tie-ins you can possibly incorporate into your blurb or marketing materials? If not, you may just have to look at this more as a first novel for the purposes of capturing readership. I also notice that there's no 'look inside' option here (maybe because it's still on pre-sale?) so there's possibly a bit of a negative there. From a reader's perspective there's no real assurances regarding enjoyment.

Also a possible generational problem you may want to take into account. The material sounds like it would appeal to younger adult readers. The cover art certainly appeals in that direction. But a lot of younger folks won't automatically know the pop culture references on which you are basing the premise: Flash Gordon hasn't even been on TV since the 2000's I believe. So, this is a vintage reboot, yet the blurb seems to assume that its something current that 'the kids' would automatically know about. Rebooting is fine, a rich source, but a worry I might have as a 20-something reader who liked Calizona is whether any of this story will make sense to me or if it's straight Boomer humor.


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## Bayview (Aug 31, 2019)

I don't know how valid the rule is, but this blurb is definitely breaking the "show don't tell" rule I've heard for blurbs, and I think that may be a problem. In a very short blurb, we open by being told it's a parody, then are told it's a hybrid, extra-pulpy, a mashup, and we're told twice that we're going to laugh... but aren't really shown much about the story, or made to even smile, let alone laugh. For me and my taste, I'd want to get more of a feel for the story through my own eyes, not the author's. SHOW ME the humour and the mashup and the rest, don't tell me.

Easier said than done, I know!


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## Bayview (Aug 31, 2019)

I've just noticed there's also no "Look Inside" activated, possibly because the book is not yet for sale, but... I rarely buy ANYTHING from a new-to-me author without taking a look at the writing, first. So things may pick up once readers can look inside?


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## Ralph Rotten (Aug 31, 2019)

I think BV is right: it needs more of a hook.
I need something that makes them say "Oh, that sounds interesting..."

Ugghhh. The jacket text is harder to write than the damned book.


The LOOK INSIDE option is not available because it is on pre-sale.


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## Ralph Rotten (Sep 1, 2019)

So I have been writing since 0400 as usual, working on a better hook & blurb for this book.
I think it's better...but writers always have a blind spot for their own work.
_What say ye, fellow wordsmiths & writers of lore?_


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## Trollheart (Sep 1, 2019)

I don't know, but I'm inclined to agree with others that there may be something of a generational divide here. I mean, I'm 56, but even I have not really seen the original, ships-on-strings-showering-sparks-terrible-campy-dialogue Flash Gordon, and I doubt few who may seem to be your target audience (ie those who, as Lucky mentioned, will "get" the pop culture references you want them to) will have either. So trying to mash-up the two might be like asking someone who has never seen, say, The Keystone Cops to enjoy a book which parodies their exploits with those of a hard-bitten nineties private eye. Kind of hard to do. I'm sorry to say, I have to admit it doesn't attract me to read it, but then, I bloody hate Flash Gordon so am definitely not your target audience.


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## Ralph Rotten (Sep 2, 2019)

I posted the new blurb, and lowered the price to $3.99.
Normally I sell my books for $4.99, but this is actually a novella...only 52k words, so I didn't want any reviews complaining about price versus volume.
I have an ad campaign running on Amazon right now, so don't be surprised if you see me on your lock-screen.
496 impressions so far, zero sales.


On the bright side, the Pinterest ad campaign I ran, tho it did not generate any sales, did send enough traffic to the page that my float value dropped into 3-digit rankings on one list, and 4-digit numbers on another.
I'll keep gaming the algorithm.


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## Amnesiac (Sep 2, 2019)

Ralph Rotten said:


> I think BV is right: it needs more of a hook.
> I need something that makes them say "Oh, that sounds interesting..."
> 
> Ugghhh. The jacket text is harder to write than the damned book.
> ...



That's for sure! Writing the blurb is the hardest damn thing! Drinking helps. LOL


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## Mish (Sep 3, 2019)

Great work on the cover design, I think it looks pretty neat!



Ralph Rotten said:


> In this universe where Supers battle Arches



I would prefer the above to read "where Superheroes battle Arch-villains". Is that what it's suppose to mean? It took me a moment to figure it out. On my first pass through I swear it sounded something akin; " In this universe where grrubadles battle farvables"?!?... What? I suspect it may be a similar case with the other potential readers. 

I would also prefer for the blurb to be a bit more descriptive about the story that I would read. 

If you have a look at the blurbs for Flash comic books on the Amazon you will see shorter, punchier and more straight to the point descriptions. E.g:



			
				Flash Gordon said:
			
		

> Discover the thrilling world of Flash Gordon, the original protector of the Universe, as he encounters escaped convicts, frightening Frost Men, tyrannous kingdoms  - and more!


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## bdcharles (Sep 3, 2019)

To me the thing that turned me off was the mention of the hapless cameraman, Dave. In among Flash Gordon and space princesses and whatnot, he just seems like a character that wouldn’t massively interest me. Bar that it sounded not bad.


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## luckyscars (Sep 3, 2019)

Ralph Rotten said:


> So I have been writing since 0400 as usual, working on a better hook & blurb for this book.
> I think it's better...but writers always have a blind spot for their own work.
> _What say ye, fellow wordsmiths & writers of lore?_



Necessary disclaimer that, again, I don't see anything _wrong _with it...

So, I'm trying to figure out if I would buy it. I'm not necessarily your target audience with this stuff, I don't tend to go for 'extra puply' stuff nor superheroes and villains, but I also don't think I'm a million miles away: I like science fiction and used to like watching Flash Gordon with my grandpa. I could probably be wooed.

Good points first:

(1) I have a much clearer idea of the plot and themes from this. Big plus, right there.
(2) In contrast to BD, I actually think Dave sounds all right. 
(3) I love the cover and can see a straight-line to marketing now.

A couple of minor dislikes. These may be idiosyncratic:

(1) The use of cliches annoys me, even though I get its tongue-in-cheek: Ruling 'with an iron fist' and 'the fate of humanity...' in particular. No I don't have a better suggestion, yes I know you're probably (hopefully) going to subvert these. But nevertheless whenever I see those lines I go a big rubbery one.

(2) I'd like to know what you mean by 'forced to do Ming's bidding'. I realize its a blurb and you're not about to spell it out, but I wonder if maybe you could drop a hint or two? Maybe preview some of this absurd hilarity you're promising with spit-the-cornflakes deadpan? "_Forced to do all manner of foul things for their overlord, from empty his cosmic chamberpot to picking the blackheads off his bottom, Polly and Dave quickly find out..._"


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## Ralph Rotten (Sep 3, 2019)

They are forced to be his biographers.
But I can't say that because it is a funny reveal in the first chapter.
They are even sent down to HR for new employee orientation.


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## Pete_C (Sep 5, 2019)

For me the blurb tells me what the book is, in as much as what you want me to take away from it, rather than leading me in with the story. Will I read a bad story because it's a Flash Gordon mash-up? No, I won't. If the story hook is good, I'm more likely to read it.

In fairness, most people will get the FG reference from the title, while those who know nothing about FG won't be swayed by the blurb.


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## TL Murphy (Sep 10, 2019)

Why not use a short excerpt for the hook? Surely there is something short and juicy that begs for more.


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## shyla (Sep 10, 2019)

I think I wouldn't buy it just because of the line, "another steaming pile of crap," which makes it sound like there's an insecure author lurking between the pages of the book. But that might be a tagline you use on all your books, and if it works well on other titles, feel free to disregard my comment.


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## luckyscars (Sep 11, 2019)

shyla said:


> I think I wouldn't buy it just because of the line, "another steaming pile of crap," which makes it sound like there's an insecure author lurking between the pages of the book. But that might be a tagline you use on all your books, and if it works well on other titles, feel free to disregard my comment.



Oh I think that's golden - seriously, it actually made me laugh out loud when I saw it the first time. 

It has the additional benefit of evaporating any sense the author has a stick up their ass - essential for humor. 

I'd think anybody who doesn't understand it's a joke probably isn't going to like Ralph's style anyway.


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## Princesisto (Sep 15, 2019)

Having started my career as an economist, I am not impressed by advertising e.g. blurb. I endorse TL Murphy's advice to use an excerpt from the book as the blurb. That is your product, not the Madison Avenue steaming pile of shite. 

Cutting the price will make a big difference eventually. That is the big thing that changes between the ads and going to Amazon to buy it.

I found the cover devilish-looking and too yellow. It does not attract me. My real reaction was "What a horrid thing!" Psychology can have an impact on sales. Try to make the cover more attractive with cool colours like blues and greens.

FWIW.


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## Aquilo (Sep 15, 2019)

Princesisto said:


> I endorse TL Murphy's advice to use an excerpt from the book as the blurb. That is your product, not the Madison Avenue steaming pile of shite.



I've never heard this advice, or recommend it. An extract won't get across the the general theme and plot of the novel. What some do use is a quote and the blurb together. I know I do. Just one tagline above the blurb.




> My real reaction was "What a horrid thing!" Psychology can have an impact on sales



You're also not going to please everyone with cover art.


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