# Coward's Way Out



## Smith (Dec 12, 2016)

On the news my flight crashed into the sea,
disintegrating on impact like ashes to the wind,
leaving no trace of my existence.

Now a floating consciousness;
free of all my shortcomings,
weaknesses,
flaws,
I sink into the abysmal abyss,
and let nature take its course.

Not a nightmare, no. A dream come true.

The other day I released the wheel
letting go the illusion of control.
A detour across the median,
accepting my final destination,
to share in the fate
of a deer in headlights.

Not a nightmare, no. A dream come true.

A man with flowers thinks twice--
first with his dick,
then with his brain.
The fair lady goes on with her life
never knowing her secret lover.
And I'd never get to write this.

Not a nightmare, no. A dream come true.

But a dream it will remain forever.
I'm stuck in an eternity of suffering,
a Sisyphean struggle in purgatory.
My noose has hung itself in my closet,
and I'm too scared to pull this trigger.
If I can't end it all, I'll die trying.


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## escorial (Dec 12, 2016)

sometimes the subject matter over takes the poem and leaves one thinking about the poet more than the work....


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## Firemajic (Dec 12, 2016)

Smith said:


> On the news my flight crashed into the sea,
> disintegrating on impact like ashes to the wind,
> leaving no trace of my existence.
> 
> ...





"My noose has hung itself in my closet".... This is [JMO] the best line in this poem... The imagery of the noose, waiting, in your closet is chilling... and says more than the rest of your entire poem... think about it, Smith... That NOOSE, waiting... mocking you... 
You keep your reader at a distance when you use broad statements, "free of my shortcomings and weaknesses" " my suffering"... bring your reader into your pain... show them your "suffering".. don't tell them you are suffering... I will KNOW you are suffering, if you show me.... stop hiding behind your words, Smith....
This poem is a good example of your unique abilities... edit and polish... and above all... be honest and keep it personal... These are just my opinions, and I know that you know exactly what I am talking about...


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## Darkkin (Dec 12, 2016)

Smith said:


> On the news my flight crashed into the sea,
> disintegrating on impact like ashes to the wind,
> leaving no trace of my existence.
> 
> ...



Depression is a disease that affects 6.7 % of the American population over age 18.  It is a disease, a chemical imbalance, and like many illnesses it often requires treatment.  It is chronic, nonlethal...But when you have stared a progressive, potential fatal disease in the face, one that you have fought tooth and nail to thwart you look at life a little differently.  

You aren't part of the 6.7% you are the .005%, and you want to keep on being...Well, alive...Logically, you can understand how an organic disorder can trigger such thoughts, but at the same time the waste of something as precious as life...You've been to places close to hell and you wonder why anyone would want that.

Logic is something I understand, extenuating circumstances (severe trauma, PTSD, fatal diagnoses), those I understand, and as a reader, a writer, I try to empathise, to keep an open mind, but the one thing I can find no empathy for is suicide, the willful destruction of life.  It is one of the few things that makes me truly angry.  Probably because the mindset is so alien to my own, but also knowing that so many others fight for and lose their battles for life.  It so utterly against my principles that I know my reaction, my anger at the subject is illogical.

It makes me want to yell, and yet, try and reason at the same time.  Time is what it takes, time and effort, which is essentially what life boils down to.  Sorry about the ramble.

With a bit of tweaking your piece has potential.  It does justice to its subject.

- D. the T.


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## Greyson (Dec 12, 2016)

> On the news my flight crashed into the sea,
> disintegrating on impact like ashes to the wind,
> leaving no trace of my existence.
> 
> ...



Hey man, really liked the piece. I've made a few comments rather similar to those above, but maybe a few original ideas that will be helpful, who knows. What I do know is that I liked this, a lot. To say it's real is selling it short, and to say that I connect to it is to say I projected and may have missed the point, but I hope I didn't too much. Either way, you have a good draft here, but I think you can make it better still. Look at what fire said (she knows what the hell she's talking about fosho) and think about what parts of this really speak the most to you. Anything that doesn't stand out as THAT IS ME, IT NEEDS TO STAY - put it under a microscope and see if there's a way to make it into that. Otherwise, I think you could cut it and not lose a cent on the worth of this piece. 

Stick in there, stick it out. And for real, let me know if you want to talk I'm here - you know this - and I have no problems with just listening if you need it. I give this draft an A, gg m8


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## -xXx- (Dec 13, 2016)

Smith said:


> My noose has hung itself in my closet,
> and I'm too scared to pull this trigger.
> If I can't end it all, I'll die trying.



teh.awe.sum.ness


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## Smith (Dec 14, 2016)

escorial said:


> sometimes the subject matter over takes the poem and leaves one thinking about the poet more than the work....



Thanks esc, and don't worry, I won't be going on "permanent" hiatus any time soon.



Firemajic said:


> "My noose has hung itself in my closet".... This is [JMO] the best line in this poem... The imagery of the noose, waiting, in your closet is chilling... and says more than the rest of your entire poem... think about it, Smith... That NOOSE, waiting... mocking you...
> You keep your reader at a distance when you use broad statements, "free of my shortcomings and weaknesses" " my suffering"... bring your reader into your pain... show them your "suffering".. don't tell them you are suffering... I will KNOW you are suffering, if you show me.... stop hiding behind your words, Smith....
> This poem is a good example of your unique abilities... edit and polish... and above all... be honest and keep it personal... These are just my opinions, and I know that you know exactly what I am talking about...



Hey there jul, glad you liked that line! It can be interpreted in two different ways.

I completely agree about the first 8 lines. Definitely going to rework that portion. I wrote it all down just before bed, so I didn't take any time to revise it really. I'll be sure to go back over it, hopefully tomorrow on my day off of work. You're right that the piece just needs to have a few vague areas livened up.

Get it? 'Livened?'

Thanks for your words of wisdom!



Darkkin said:


> Depression is a disease that affects 6.7 % of the American population over age 18.  It is a disease, a chemical imbalance, and like many illnesses it often requires treatment.  It is chronic, nonlethal...But when you have stared a progressive, potential fatal disease in the face, one that you have fought tooth and nail to thwart you look at life a little differently.
> 
> You aren't part of the 6.7% you are the .005%, and you want to keep on being...Well, alive...Logically, you can understand how an organic disorder can trigger such thoughts, but at the same time the waste of something as precious as life...You've been to places close to hell and you wonder why anyone would want that.
> 
> ...



It's something that I've struggled with for several years already, and I only just turned 18 this year.

Be glad that it is an alien mindset to your own. I understand that it might make you feel angry, and I wouldn't expect you to "get it". You know, some would say that taking your own life is the most courageous thing one could do, although I'd say the wrong kind of courage. And Schopenhauer said, "They tell us that suicide is the greatest act of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person."

I'm flattered you would attribute me to this .005% you mention, though I don't know if I would see it the same way. Nonetheless, it would also appear that you may have detected some sort of hopeful or positive hint in the poem, for which I am glad.

My only advice is to either find empathy for those who take their own life, or find peace in knowing their suffering is over. But not anger. A lack of empathy is either how that person got to where they are, or it was reinforcement to keep them there. I would know, having been there, and personally knowing of others in that same dark place, some of whom lost their life. The greatest, most powerful empathy you can give somebody who wants to take their life, is to show them to love themselves. To have empathy for themselves.

Thank-you for the critique Darkkin; I'll take your suggestions into consideration. I'll definitely be rewriting the first 8 lines!



Greyson said:


> Hey man, really liked the piece. I've made a few comments rather similar to those above, but maybe a few original ideas that will be helpful, who knows. What I do know is that I liked this, a lot. To say it's real is selling it short, and to say that I connect to it is to say I projected and may have missed the point, but I hope I didn't too much. Either way, you have a good draft here, but I think you can make it better still. Look at what fire said (she knows what the hell she's talking about fosho) and think about what parts of this really speak the most to you. Anything that doesn't stand out as THAT IS ME, IT NEEDS TO STAY - put it under a microscope and see if there's a way to make it into that. Otherwise, I think you could cut it and not lose a cent on the worth of this piece.
> 
> Stick in there, stick it out. And for real, let me know if you want to talk I'm here - you know this - and I have no problems with just listening if you need it. I give this draft an A, gg m8



What's up Eric!

I expect and welcome a little bit of projection. That's just the nature of other people reading and interpreting your work. On the same token I applaud you and esc for also seeing "the man behind the curtain" so to speak.

Glad you appreciated the double-meaning and dark humor of the final line. Hopefully you noticed it in "my noose has hung itself" as well.

I like what you said about putting each part under the microscope and analyzing it, checking if it's true to myself. After having taken a step back from the piece for a couple days and mulling over everyone's critique, I would agree that the first stanza needs work. And I'll try playing around with the repetition, perhaps slight rewording or rephrasing. I think you might be right that the line is perhaps a little too long to repeat in that fashion.

Dat SAT diction tho,

-Kyle



-xXx- said:


> teh.awe.sum.ness



Haha, glad you liked it.


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## Darkkin (Dec 14, 2016)

Smith said:


> It's something that I've struggled with for several years already, and I only just turned 18 this year.
> 
> I'm flattered you would attribute me to this .005%



One thing that you've done well with here is define the almost tabooed allure of ultimate control. 

And minor misreading on that statistic, poor perspective writing on my part...That particular number is the percentage of the world population that has the genetic disease I have, a disease that dropped me at the age of 18,  (almost didn't see 19), full scholarship athlete, and I ended up with a massive heart attack.  That is as close to hell as I've come, and the pain involved, yes, death would have offered welcome respite, but it would have taken everything else, too. 

I'm lucky to be alive, which is why suicide as a courageous way out...I know it is individual mind set, biological, and environmental factors, as well. But life is the battle.  My empathy is for the living, those who reach out for help, those who want to keep going in spite of everything.  I've had all control stripped from me, except for that final choice.  I chose the coward's way, life.

And if life is the coward's way, I will snatch it with both hands.  And I lend one to anyone, who seeks to go with.

Apologies for any misunderstanding.

 - D. the T.


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## Smith (Dec 14, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> One thing that you've done well with here is define the almost tabooed allure of ultimate control.
> 
> And minor misreading on that statistic, poor perspective writing on my part...That particular number is the percentage of the world population that has the genetic disease I have, a disease that dropped me at the age of 18,  (almost didn't see 19), full scholarship athlete, and I ended up with a massive heart attack.  That is as close to hell as I've come, and the pain involved, yes, death would have offered welcome respite, but it would have taken everything else, too.
> 
> ...



Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm unfamiliar with your disease; much respect to handling your situation the way that you did! Must have been hard (and that's an understatement) considering it sounds like so few others have experienced the same.

*

Some people can't reach out, or have nobody to reach out to. Some people commit suicide because they feel that is the one and only thing they have control over. Sometimes there is no "everything else". That is to say, they are convinced (whether understandably or not) that life will not get better. They feel helpless, lacking all self-confidence, and this permeates and effects every aspect of their life. In turn, this has a compounding, self-perpetuating effect where an individual cannot be bothered to save their own life, for their whole existence has been hi-jacked in a coup d'etat. I've heard it perfectly described as "it feels like you've been locked out of life."

And on the topic of "everything else" and "life will get better", it's not that people who commit suicide didn't fight. Robin Williams battled depression, addiction and serious health problems for majority of his life. While I'm not going to go into the specifics of his case in particular, my point is that some people eventually feel that the fight is futile, because their life truly isn't getting any better, and may even be getting worse. To blame them for trying is insensitive.

It's not that I don't agree with you. I don't believe choosing to live - choosing what _you_ did - is the coward's way out at all. And I don't encourage or glorify suicide. But ultimately, when the dust settles I don't look down with contempt or anger on those who lose their battle. To strictly see it from a rational perspective is to use the wrong toolset, considering the often irrational, complex nature of depression and human emotion which goes far beyond our current scientific understanding. When a primary contributor to the illness is a lack of empathy, and when empathy could've saved a life, to treat the losers with a lack of empathy I think is only ironic. The world has enough apathy as is.

I digress, for you are not I, and I am not you. Just thought I might offer an alternative perspective as a sufferer of the subject we're discussing, to spread a positive message of understanding against the tide of stigma.

Cheers,

-Kyle


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## VeR (Dec 15, 2016)

Hello Smith,

I'm having a bit of trouble with the title, as it seems that the poem isn't about a way out at all, unless fantasizing is the 'way out'?

Although I can empathize with the intensity of suicidal ideation, the complete obliviousness to others' lives ended, such as in a plane crash, or the driver and passengers behind the 'headlights' you are the 'deer' in, gives me a chill. Is the message that the allure of one's own death so strong that it leads to having no empathy for others' lives?

If there is such a thing as being in love with the idea of suicide with no serious intention to proceed with the act, then I think your poem hints at an image of that.

I do not in any way mean to make light of serious depression, and am only responding as one reader to what I am 'hearing' or 'getting' from the poem.

Best,
VeR


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## Bard_Daniel (Dec 15, 2016)

I think you have a gem with your poem here that you can shine, through your careful tuning, into one that shines like a star. You've got some great references and good lines-- as mentioned, you just need to tweak it a little.

I can't pretend to know exactly what it is that you're going through, even though I have struggles of my own, but I hope that you'll be okay.


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## Smith (Dec 16, 2016)

VeR said:


> Hello Smith,
> 
> I'm having a bit of trouble with the title, as it seems that the poem isn't about a way out at all, unless fantasizing is the 'way out'?
> 
> ...



Suicide is the way out, as it pertains to this poem.

There is a certain love for the macabre. I think it varies from person to person. I don't have a "love" with the idea of suicide; I have depression. Getting the thoughts, as well as the emotion, into words is one way to deal with it.

I won't comment on the airplane stanza. I've taken a few days off, and having come back to it, I will definitely be scrapping that portion completely. It doesn't represent well enough what I'm trying to convey. It's also the weakest in terms of being too vague.

In regards to the car stanza, there are suicidal individuals who "can't" commit suicide on their own. To try and put it another way: sometimes you aren't sure if you're still here because of a will to live, or being afraid to die. But if you are afraid to die, you beg for somebody to do it for you, maybe when you're not looking. Sometimes, they're just afraid to end it alone, by themselves.

So yes, there is a selfishness where one doesn't think about how that would effect the other people. Or, it might be decided that ending their suffering is a higher priority than the collateral damage. After all, they won't be around to know how it hurt others.

I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just trying to explain the mentality, and answer your questions as best I can without telling you word-for-word what the poem is about. If I did that, it'd kind of be like trying to explain why a joke is supposed to be funny.

Here's to you,

-Kyle



danielstj said:


> I think you have a gem with your poem here that you can shine, through your careful tuning, into one that shines like a star. You've got some great references and good lines-- as mentioned, you just need to tweak it a little.
> 
> I can't pretend to know exactly what it is that you're going through, even though I have struggles of my own, but I hope that you'll be okay.



Appreciate the feedback daniel, thanks for reading! Happy to hear you think it has potential.

And no worries, I know I'll be fine.


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