# family turmoil hangs on a clothes line



## poski11 (Jan 26, 2018)

secrets against a blue sky
hate soiled sheets, scrubbed pink 
whirling in a summer breeze

Revision 1

Heartless

Hate-soiled sheets scrubbed pink
secrets pinned against a blue sky;
on the back porch staring, in respite
tears outline the blush smudged black and blue;
her shadow cast over a box of old letters


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## jenthepen (Jan 27, 2018)

Good to see another one from you, poski. A haiku this time. 

I love the first two lines - you have two vivid and attention-grabbing statements that paint a picture of a very dark mystery indeed. I would put a hyphen between _hate_ and _soiled_ though as, at the moment, it could be read as an opinion of the writer rather than as a description of the sheets.

The last line is ok but I think you could save a syllable by changing the first word to _whirl_ and use that syllable to add an adjective to strengthen the feel of the line - either as a stark contrast to the tone that the first lines set, or maybe to twist that tone to even darker places. Of course, you could replace _whirling_ altogether for an even bigger twist. The final line should always be the kicker - the thought left inside the reader's head - the idea that sums up all the rest.

On a technical note, I believe haiku are supposed to appear without a title but that's always rather awkward when new threads require one. Given that, I'd try to find a snappy one-word title that maybe says more about the atmosphere of the poem than its content.

Thanks for posting this one. It gives an interesting and different slant to the usual haiku fare. That's why I think it would be worth that extra push to make it really special.


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## poski11 (Jan 28, 2018)

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the read. Interestingly my intent was not to write a haiku, but somehow, I may have backed into one. The syllable count is off (17 syllables arranged by line 5 – 7 – 5); however, by definition “The spirit of haiku often identifies it more than the meter”. The title was originally the first line, so I can strike it or place it back in the body of the poem as the first line. Either way I have a haiku (by definition haiku can have two to four lines). I see your point about _whirling_ and agree with replacing it. Yes haiku’s don’t have titles. So I’ve been working on the last line and I also need to decide if I’m going to keep the original first line or not.

Poski11


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## jenthepen (Jan 29, 2018)

Ha,yes! I was quite mistaken. I counted the syllables 7-5-7 and, for an old poet that never got to grips with moulding poems into set patterns, that was good enough for me. I don't think you backed into a haiku, I think I rushed headlong into a mistake. 

I'm pleased that you plan to change the last line. I think that small suggestion still holds good and, in a strange way, I'm rather pleased that I can relax and enjoy the message and the feel of your poem without having to worry about artificial constraints.

Thank you for the patient and kind reply. You are a gentleman. 

Jen


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## Pelwrath (Jan 30, 2018)

I wish I could say more than...I liked it.

I saw white sheets, stained pink on a clothes line in the summer.

As for the "rules' of haiku.. rules tend to get me in trouble.  I enjoyed the memory it brought back from my childhood.  Thank you for sharing.


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## jenthepen (Feb 15, 2018)

poski11 said:


> secrets against a blue sky
> hate soiled sheets, scrubbed pink
> whirling in a summer breeze
> 
> ...



I really like the way you have expanded the story with your revision, poski. The only place I hesitated and felt a bit lost as to the meaning was at the word 'respite.' Thinking about it, I can see that you meant 'in the lull' but it took a minute to work that out. That could be just me though?

I enjoyed the air of mystery that you have created by not spelling out the whole story but saying just enough to give an idea of what's happened. The title, too, adds another dimension. 

I think the revision has transformed this poem and made it a memorable little gem. 

Incidentally, it would be an idea to add a note at the bottom of the thread when you post a revision because, although I like the new version added as an edit under the original, it doesn't bump the thread up the page and alert everyone that changes have been made unless you add a new post at the end of the thread. I'll put a note in basecamp chat to suggest that everyone posts revisions this way.


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## poski11 (Feb 20, 2018)

Thanks Jen,

Yes I agree with you about respite. I intended to invoke the definition (a delay or cessation for a time especially of any thing distressing or trying; an interval of relief) as you suggested a lull from the moment. I'm going to take your suggestion and work on coming up with another word to describe what I'm after.

Thanks.

Poski11


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## TuesdayEve (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi Poski, 
I think the revision is very good. 
‘respite’ I feel, halts the flow, its too hard sounding 
with the other vowels


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## poski11 (Feb 22, 2018)

Tuesday,

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with you about respite. I'm working on a different approach to this line.

Poski11


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## Darren White (Feb 23, 2018)

poski11 said:


> Heartless
> 
> Hate-soiled sheets scrubbed pink
> secrets pinned against a blue sky;
> ...



Hello Poski,

I like this little poem very much, full of imagery and great slant rhyme and alliteration (scrubbed pink - secrets pinned)

I wonder how you would feel about making the poem even stronger by leaving out the third line?
It feels like that line gives away too much, and by leaving it out it would still be very obviuous that this is not a happy poem:

_*"Heartless*

Hate-soiled sheets scrubbed pink
secrets pinned against a blue sky

tears outline the blush smudged black and blue;
her shadow cast over a box of old letters"_


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## poski11 (Feb 28, 2018)

Darren,

Thanks very much. I also thought the 3rd line Maybe said too much, but on the other hand I thought if I left it out readers might be to confused about the last two lines.

Poski11


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## poski11 (Feb 28, 2018)

In general I'm wondering if I'm making the reader try to solve a puzzle rather than Setting a mood (which was my intent).

Thanks.

Poski11


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## jenthepen (Mar 1, 2018)

poski11 said:


> In general I'm wondering if I'm making the reader try to solve a puzzle rather than Setting a mood (which was my intent).
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> Poski11



My thought is that the message and mood work together. I need to understand the message in order to feel the mood (with this poem, not always) but I don't think you have a problem. The story seems clear - especially using Darren's suggestion about cutting line 3 - and the mood supports and clarifies that message. For me, this is a succinct and powerful poem. It does its job in very few words and that's a neat trick.


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## poski11 (Mar 1, 2018)

Thanks Jen I always appreciate the feedback.

Poski11


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## Pelwrath (Mar 1, 2018)

Revision 1

Revision 1

Heartless

Hate-soiled sheets scrubbed pink
secrets pinned against a blue sky;
on the back porch staring, in respite she stood
tears outline the blush smudged black and blue; 
her shadow cast over a box of old letters

This is a very good revision. It's soft, with just enough description. Nicely done.


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