# Clean Sheets



## Firemajic (Sep 3, 2017)

I don't know you because
you look completely indifferent 
to my unraveling reality
I curl my cold fingers
deep in pockets empty
of future possibilities 
searching for a nugget
of Fool's Gold

Your eyes are shuttered--closed
for the business of reconciliation
I see a No Trespassing sign
in the chiseled line of your lips
there is nothing left to say
and no one to intercede on my behalf
the thud of your care less footsteps
says it all

I watch your car disappear
disturbing a flock of  Starlings
spinning on stunted dreams
shitting on the brown lawn
littered with tattered feathers 

Silence is laden with re-nesting chores
rumpled bed, yawning nightstand drawers
the scent of you clings to my pillow

you forgot your razor...


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## PiP (Sep 3, 2017)

Fire, Wow... this poem really drives home its message! Powerful imagery.

I particulary liked

*Your eyes are shuttered--closed
for the business of reconciliation
I see a No Trespassing sign
in the chiseled line of your lips*

A couple of points

*of Fool's Gold <--------- 

the thud of your care less footsteps <------------ should this be care less or careless?

I watch your car disappear
disturbing a flock of xchaoticx Starlings <------- chaotic is redundant in my opinion. removing it also helps the flow.
spinning on stunted dreams
shitting on the brown lawn
littered with tattered feathers 

Inside silence laden with re-nesting chores <--------- I was left wondering where silence was
rumpled bed yawning nightstand drawers
the scent of you clings to my pillow

you forgot your razor... <---------- love this throw away comment as the close.*


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## Firemajic (Sep 3, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> *I don't know you because
> you look completely indifferent
> to my unraveling reality
> I curl my cold fingers
> ...


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## Darren White (Sep 4, 2017)

Owww, this is great, there are so many wonderful lines in this emotional poem, I am in awe of this:


> I see a No Trespassing sign
> in the chiseled line of your lips



and:


> yawning nightstand drawers



And I have a question about this:


> you look completely indifferent
> to my unraveling reality



Did you mean to use 'to' here? Or should it be 'at'?
Might be I interpret wrongly, since this isn't my native tongue


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## sas (Sep 4, 2017)

Fire, 

You have a sharp eye cutting another's poem. Use it here. For instance, do you need "I watch"? Why not: "Your car disappears"?

Look for a stronger opening line, and not one that ends in "because". Draw in the reader.
Maybe:

You look indifferent
to my unraveling. ......


The last line has great implications, but misses the nail.  Maybe something like this:

You left your razor for a reason

Note I didn't use "forgot"', "left" is purposeful.


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## Syed (Sep 4, 2017)

Firemagic, a wonderful poem... full of power, and imagery that speaks volumes.  i specially like the last line "*you forgot your razor..."   *for me it says it all !


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## Neetu (Sep 4, 2017)

Firemagic, I have nothing to say but wonderful! Nice to meet you, by the way. From the beginning to the monostich "you forgot your razor", this poem encapsulates the speaker's poignant emotions at the sight of the "Clean Sheets".


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## Pete_C (Sep 4, 2017)

Okay, here we go! This is good, strong images and I felt the emotion too. I really have to be picky to find things to criticise, but I will anyway!!!

I don't know you because
you look completely indifferent 
to my unraveling reality
I curl my cold fingers I've read this a few times and on the occasions I omitted cold it flowed slightly better and put a greater emphasis on 'pockets empty' which is a great phrase
deep in pockets empty
of future possibilities 
searching for a nugget
of Fool's Gold Maybe it's because it's been over-used, maybe it's because it's often used as a throwaway, but I don't like fool's gold at all. In this case I think it's almost like finding a cheap supermarket sausage at a gourmet dinner! If your searching for fool's gold it implies that you know it's all for nothing; surely there's a better way of getting that across?

Your eyes are shuttered--closed
for the business of reconciliation
I see a No Trespassing sign
in the chiseled line of your lips Maybe 'your chiseled lips' (are lips chiseled; I though that was jaws?)
there is nothing left to say
and no one to intercede on my behalf
the thud of your care less footsteps Love the use of care less; I really hoped that was intentional and see above that it is
says it all

I watch your car disappear
disturbing a flock of Starlings
spinning on stunted dreams
shitting on the brown lawn Can't help but feel 'lawns' would add to the flow here
littered with tattered feathers 

Silence is laden with re-nesting chores
rumpled bed, yawning nightstand drawers
the scent of you clings to my pillow

you forgot your razor... Great last line; balances everything that goes before!


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

Revised

Clean Sheets

you seem indifferent 
to my unraveling reality
I curl my fingers deep
 in pockets empty
of future possibilities 

Your eyes are shuttered--closed
for the business of reconciliation
I see a No Trespassing sign
in the hard line of your lips
there is nothing left to say
and no one to intercede on my behalf
the thud of your care less footsteps
says it all

I watch your car disappear
disturbing a flock of  starlings
spinning on stunted dreams
shitting on the brown lawns
littered with tattered feathers 

Silence is laden with re-nesting chores
rumpled bed, yawning nightstand drawers
the scent of you clings to my pillow

you forgot your razor...


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

sas said:


> Fire,
> 
> You have a sharp eye cutting another's poem. Use it here. For instance, do you need "I watch"? Why not: "Your car disappears"?
> 
> ...





Hello Fabulous sas!  Thank you so much for your comments, I appreciate it so much... I wanted to keep " I watched your car disappear... because "watching" reflects that she stood and watched him disappear, knowing he was gone for good, them going inside to put her life back in solitary order, only to find his damn razor..... they always forget something, and it is finding those small things, left behind, that can undo a person... It is always a pleasure to read your thoughts, my friend... 




Syed said:


> Firemagic, a wonderful poem... full of power, and imagery that speaks volumes.  i specially like the last line "*you forgot your razor..."   *for me it says it all !



Syed, how fabulous that you liked the imagery, I was afraid it was over done.... so, thank you so much!





Neetu said:


> Firemagic, I have nothing to say but wonderful! Nice to meet you, by the way. From the beginning to the monostich "you forgot your razor", this poem encapsulates the speaker's poignant emotions at the sight of the "Clean Sheets".



Neetu, so nice to meet you, and thank you for your kind words, and I love that you understood the title of the poem.... 





Pete_C said:


> Okay, here we go! This is good, strong images and I felt the emotion too. I really have to be picky to find things to criticise, but I will anyway!!!
> 
> I don't know you because
> you look completely indifferent
> ...



Pete, your critique was spot on... I was a little concerned about the "fool's gold' line... it got the axe in the edit.. hahaa... I added an "S" to lawn, and I have to agree that I like that... thank you for taking the time to mentor me, I am very grateful, Poetry is my passion and I always want to learn and improve, sooo... thank you so much.. I am happy that you understood the "care less" line..


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

Darren White said:


> Owww, this is great, there are so many wonderful lines in this emotional poem, I am in awe of this:
> 
> 
> and:
> ...




Hello Darren, I think it should be "to".... ? hopefully.... hahaa.... Thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words, I appreciate them so much  and yeah, "yawning nightstand drawers" is one of my favorite lines, thank you for noticing...


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## Sebald (Sep 4, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Revised
> 
> Clean Sheets
> 
> ...



Amazing poem. I've come back and read it so many times, and it just gets more rewarding.

I miss the original opening line! It had such a vulnerable, human quality. And allowed us to watch the awful disappointment at the centre of the poem playing out in front of us. The revised opener begins after this moment.

Wonderful work, Fire.


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

Sebald said:


> Amazing poem. I've come back and read it so many times, and it just gets more rewarding.
> 
> I miss the original opening line! It had such a vulnerable, human quality. And allowed us to watch the awful disappointment at the centre of the poem playing out in front of us. The revised opener begins after this moment.
> 
> Wonderful work, Fire.




How fabulous that you understood the opening line.... 
"I don't know you because
you look completely indifferent"

I was playing with the word "different and indifferent" trying to express how strange it is to see someone who once loved you, to look indifferent to your pain, that expression if indifference, makes them look like a stranger.... anyway... thank you for your kind words...


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## sas (Sep 4, 2017)

Guess I'm odd poet out.  "you *forgot *your razor" hasn't the connotation that  "you* left *your razor" has. One I feel that is stronger. He left it for YOU to use. Am I the only one who sees that as the hidden meaning. That line is not a "throw away", as mentioned. It nails the poem down.  Just thunk on it.


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## sas (Sep 4, 2017)

If you prefer that opening line, for strength cut "because", or, at least, drop it down to following line:

I don't know you.
......


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

sas said:


> Guess I'm odd poet out.  "you *forgot *your razor" hasn't the connotation that  "you* left *your razor" has. One I feel that is stronger. He left it for YOU to use. Am I the only one who sees that as the hidden meaning. That line is not a "throw away", as mentioned. It nails the poem down.  Just thunk on it.




Hummm, I see what you mean, but my intent was to express that he "forgot" his razor because most razors are disposable, worthless, once they have been used a few times.... like the value he put on the relationship, it was obviously disposable... and no longer of any use....




sas said:


> If you prefer that opening line, for strength cut "because":
> 
> I don't know you.
> ......



Well, I was not sure about the opening line, it was clumsy ... and not very poetic...


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## sas (Sep 4, 2017)

Maybe substitute "due to" (you/due)for "because"; plus maybe use stronger "do not" instead of contraction. Hmmmm  

I do not know you
due to your new indifference
to my unraveling.

Just playing around with it. Don't think you need "reality". "unraveling" says enough. Forget the alliteration.


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

sas said:


> Maybe substitute "due to" (you/due)for "because"; plus maybe use stronger "do not" instead of contraction. Hmmmm
> 
> I do not know you
> due to your new indifference
> ...




I see.... yes, you have made a valid point, I like it


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## jenthepen (Sep 4, 2017)

I see a difference
you are indifferent 
to my unraveling


??? maybe... I dunno ???


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

jenthepen said:


> I see a difference
> you are indifferent
> to my unraveling
> 
> ...




Yes, that might work... I wanted to express the he became a stranger to her because he did not care that he was causing her pain... needs more work, I think... 
Thank you, jen...


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## sas (Sep 4, 2017)

Fire,

As I won't be participating, any longer, in this group, I do hope you'll put your poems into the Poetry Workshop group, so I might comment where workshop is not as sensitive.  Best. sas


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## Firemajic (Sep 4, 2017)

sas said:


> Fire,
> 
> As I won't be participating, any longer, in this group, I do hope you'll put your poems into the Poetry Workshop group, so I might comment where workshop is not as sensitive.  Best. sas




What a terrible loss....I am heartbroken... I have had the wonderful gift of some fabulous mentors.... they are few and far between, rare are they, that truly love poetry, want to encourage, and share the joy that poetry brings, that strive to help others find their voice, and to make it more beautiful, and powerful...
You are a treasure...


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## Terry D (Sep 5, 2017)

This is a very powerful poem, Fire. I've learned a lot by watching the edits. It's nice to see someone putting thoughtful critique to work. It shows us rank beginners how to use critique to our advantage. I have just one comment. Are you sure you want Starlings capitalized? Grammatically it is not correct. You wouldn't capitalize lion, or tiger, or bear... oh my! I only mention it because I know specific dog breeds are not capitalized in general use, i.e. golden retrievers, pit-bull terriers, etc. I think bird species work the same way: sparrow, cardinal, blue jay, starling. If, however the capitalization was intentional, that's cool; just send me back to my room.


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## SilverMoon (Sep 6, 2017)

Fire, when I read your title, "Clean Sheets", I felt the kindred immediately going back in time to my "White Dress" title.  Such deceptive titles. Nothing clean nor pure to follow. Though, unlike mine, your title is that of the interpretive for me. Upon finishing my read, I came to wonder if you were going for the sardonic or implying that he, once gone, will no longer sully your bed (your soul). A "clean slate"? This is just where the grandness of your poem begins.

So many great suggestions. A wonderful traveling through this thread. I have nothing to add except for to point to my favorites.



> *Revised*
> 
> Clean Sheets
> 
> ...



This poem will be staying with me.


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## Firemajic (Sep 6, 2017)

Terry D said:


> This is a very powerful poem, Fire. I've learned a lot by watching the edits. It's nice to see someone putting thoughtful critique to work. It shows us rank beginners how to use critique to our advantage. I have just one comment. Are you sure you want Starlings capitalized? Grammatically it is not correct. You wouldn't capitalize lion, or tiger, or bear... oh my! I only mention it because I know specific dog breeds are not capitalized in general use, i.e. golden retrievers, pit-bull terriers, etc. I think bird species work the same way: sparrow, cardinal, blue jay, starling. If, however the capitalization was intentional, that's cool; just send me back to my room.



Hello, Terry... thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate that... I am always so grateful when others receive the benefit of a fabulous critique, writing is and always should be a learning process, and a good critique can be applied across the board... so thank you for that, and you are hardly a "rank beginner"  you are right, "starlings" should not be capitalized, and I fixed it in the edited and revised poem...





SilverMoon said:


> Fire, when I read your title, "Clean Sheets", I felt the kindred immediately going back in time to my "White Dress" title.  Such deceptive titles. Nothing clean nor pure to follow. Though, unlike mine, your title is that of the interpretive for me. Upon finishing my read, I came to wonder if you were going for the sardonic or implying that he, once gone, will no longer sully your bed (your soul). A "clean slate"? This is just where the grandness of you poem begins.
> 
> So many great suggestions. A wonderful traveling through this thread. I have nothing to add except for to point to my favorites.
> 
> ...




SilverMoon, your comments are exquisite, and by far outshine my poem... thank you


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