# Coffee with Mum



## Gumby (Apr 19, 2012)

Some days when I go to see her
  we sit, hold conversations 
  [FONT=&Verdana]and coffee cups.
[/FONT]
  Stilted smiles, weightless words, percolate 
    [FONT=&Verdana]from our mouths.

[/FONT]They drift and curl in the currents between us
only to dissipate; 
  steam, from two earthen mugs.


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## Olly Buckle (Apr 19, 2012)

Only some days? 

It makes a nice scene, but I wonder about 'stilted' smiles, seems like that would go with 'Mother' rather than 'Mum', but maybe that's just a foolish man's view.


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## Gumby (Apr 19, 2012)

Thanks Olly,  I guess mother's and daughter's will always have their awkward moments, all that  history, you know. :wink:


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## Kevin (Apr 19, 2012)

I get a sense of "if only..."  from it. Maybe I just _have_ a sense of it. I like.


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## Bachelorette (Apr 19, 2012)

Gumby said:


> Some days
> we sit, hold conversations
> [FONT=&Verdana]and coffee cups.
> [/FONT]
> ...




Seems that you could do without "when I go to see her," as that's already implied by the fact that you're having coffee together. Either way, that line is a tad wordy. I'm also not 100% what you were aiming for with your line breaks? Seems to me the longer ones ought be broken up a bit more, but that's more of a gut feeling than a reasoned response. I guess there are points in the longer lines that really "feel" like they should've been broken when I read it. In any case, I've made the adjustments above; hope you don't mind. They're just random thoughts.

Still, I like this. You've created a cozy moment with just enough to show that things are a little off - that it's not perfectly "cozy." Ugh. I'm having a hard time expressing myself this morning.......


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## Firemajic (Apr 19, 2012)

AHHH Gumby....there is so much power in these poignant lines.  I love that you used so few words to say so very much. It is a rare gift to say little---and leave so much emotion implied.  I always travel to far away memories when I read your poetry. Thank you for sharing--as always-- a true pleasure.    Peace...Jul


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## Chesters Daughter (Apr 19, 2012)

Where's the last stanza, Cin? An instance of sneak peek comes back to haunt you, lol. I love that last stanza and will say no more until your reply.


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## Gumby (Apr 19, 2012)

Kevin, thank you for commenting. You are a very perceptive man and the 'if only' is definitely there.

Miss B, you are always so helpful.  I didn't have a bit of trouble understanding what you mean, you express yourself very well. All great suggestions which I will look at very seriously when I edit this one. Thank you. 

Jul, thank you so much for your kind words! You always find the positive and are so encouraging in your own gentle way. I truly appreciate the wonderful ability you have to see the good in all poetry.

Sis, you caught me out here.  I tried to shorten this one and wasn't sure if the second stanza added anything that was needed. I was afraid that it maybe only muddied the waters more, but of course you have a perfect understanding of it, as you have been through this with your own mum. Here is the version I ended up with after our little talk, the second stanza and all. *



Coffee with Mum     *


  Some days we sit— 
hold conversations 
  and coffee cups. 

Stilted smiles, weightless words
percolate from our mouths.

  They drift and curl 
in the currents between us
   only to dissipate; 
steam, from two earthen mugs.

  I’m afraid she’s not coming back
  the mum I used to know, if so
  we’ll simply sit and sip— I
  and this woman 
  who lives in mum’s house.


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## apple (Apr 19, 2012)

The last stanza is the heart of the poem to me.  I understand.  This stanza keeps love alive.


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## Gumby (Apr 19, 2012)

Ahhh, thank you apple! I love that you too, understand. We do remember the love and keep it alive, just as they loved us when we were unable to do for ourselves.


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## shedpog329 (Apr 19, 2012)

i would like to say i enjoy the re write...to its context its great
but a little sad i guess i could say

well written gumby...


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## lcg (Apr 20, 2012)

Gumby...beautiful, poignant and filled with so much unsaid emotions. I liked the rewrite. Thanks for sharing.:smile2:


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## Gumby (Apr 20, 2012)

Thank you both, shedpog and Icg for the read and the very kind comments.


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## Firemajic (Apr 23, 2012)

The final stanza absolutely broke my heart...peace...Jul


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## Squalid Glass (Apr 23, 2012)

Honestly, I liked the original better than this rewrite. Yes, the final stanza is very telling of the relationship and puts the bow on what the reader wants to know, but I really loved the ambiguity of the end in the original. It just leaves you with that distance and, to me, shows us more about this relationship than what is happening now. Here are some more thoughts:



Gumby said:


> *
> 
> Coffee with Mum     *
> 
> ...


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## Gumby (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you SG, for the read and your comments, they are very helpful. I had originally written the poem with the second stanza, but after considering it for a while, I cut it out. I too, liked the ambiguity of the shorter poem. 

The 'stilted smiles' verse was originally written with an 'and' between them, but I didn't want two ands so close together. Hmmm, I'll have to think on this.


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## SoultoWrite (Apr 23, 2012)

I really enjoy the picture you paint here. And it brings back some hard to forget memories for me.
Mine was not my mother, instead it was my Grandmother. She suffered from  severe Alzheimer's and had become an entirely different person towards  the end.

I particularly like "stilted smiles" because to me, it expresses how it  is supported by an artificial framework to mask the truth behind the  feelings.



> They drift and curl in the currents between us
> only to dissipate;
> steam, from two earthen mugs.


This also really creates an impressive image of unease because you can  simply feel that the currents dissipate much more than the steam.

I  agree with your decision to maintain it as the shorter version because  the longer one takes away my ability to relate to it. It seems to close  it off too much in a bad way.


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## BWOz (Apr 24, 2012)

Very nicely written. It gives the right sense of one of those almost dreaded visits. Not quite dreading, but still.

Nice imagery of the steam dissipating. I has just a hint of metaphor -- the steam -- not totally head bonking but on second reading things start to settle in a little deeper. And this is small enough you could make a nice little kitchen wall decoration then watch people's expression when they realized it is more than just a warm fuzzy...

Nice work

BW


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## Gumby (Apr 30, 2012)

Thank you both, SoultoWrite and BWOz. I'm sorry to be so late with my thanks and I truly do appreciate your comments and observations on this one. I do think that this is more easy to relate to in the shorter form, SoultoWrite, as the specifics of the second stanza limit and define it too much.

And a nice little kitchen wall decoration would be a real hoot BWOz.


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## Trilby (Apr 30, 2012)

I found the last verse poignant.

The last word 'house' how do you feel about; ...this woman who lives in my mum's 'head'

I like the poem - it make you think.


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## Gumby (May 7, 2012)

Thank you Trilby.


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