# 11/5/12 - LM - For sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn - Scores!



## Potty (May 11, 2012)

Note to Judges: sorry if I've made any mistakes. Compiling all this data was surprisingly overwhelming. That and my netbook is freaking out at the size of this! So sorry if all your hard work in formatting it all nicely has gone out the window guys!

Okay, here we have the results of the Baby Shoes LM challenge. Sorry for the delay in getting these out, but as some of you are probably aware, real life snuck up on the administrators with a blackjack. A huge number of entries this time so a big thanks to our judges bazz cargo, Gamer_2k4, and Bruno Spatola. Quite an effort you all put in... That'll do pigs.

But I can't help but tell the entrants off for posting such good quality work which made the judging process all the harder! shame on you all!! Seriously though, good job everyone.

Now, the scores:
(Please let me know if I’ve made any mistakes.)

*Garza; Baby Shoes:* 16.5 + 15 + 15 + 19 = *16.38
Terry D; The Price: *19 + 18 + 17 + 17 = *17.75*
*KyleColorado; Tall as the Sky:* 19 +17 + 14 + 18 = *17
LoneWolf; A Small Moment:* 16 + 15 + 12 + 15 = *14.5*
*John M; Still: *18.5 + 16.5 + 15 + 16 = *16.5
Tiamat10; The Night Inside, Not Quite Forgotten: *17.5 + 15 + 13 + 17 =* 15.63
Bilston Blue; Through French Windows: *19.5 + 16 + 15 + 19 = *17.38
BabaYaga; If the Shoe Won't Fit: *18 + 17 + 16 + 17 = *17
Chris Miller; A Long Look at an Apocryphal Short:* 11.5 + 13 + 19 = *14.5*
*Euripides; Procrastination: *15.5 + 15 + 11 + 16 = *14.38
Forceflow; Brush of Insanity: *17 + 17 + 15 + 18 = *16.75
lcg; Final Goodbye:* 16.5 + 10 + 12 + 15 = *13.38*
*rubisco; Leather and Grace:* 16 + 14 + 13 + 17 = *15
Chaeronia; Untitled Entry: *16.5 + 17.5 + 11 + 17 = *15.5
Nikevious; Left Behind:* 16.5 + 15 + 17 + 17 = *16.38
bazz cargo; Life in the Small Ads: Unscored.*
*candid petunia; Sold: *16.5 + 14 + 15 + 17 = *15.63
Fire525; For Sale, Baby Shoes, Unused:* 17 + 12 + 12 + 16 = *14.25
helium; For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn: *13.5 + 9 + 8 + 14 = *11.13
*
And now, our winners. So please help me in congratulating:

Terry D In first place with "The Price" 
Bilston Blue in second with "Through French Windows"
And a tie for third place between KyleColorado with "Tall as the Sky" and BabaYaga with "If the Shoe Won't Fit"

Good work, everyone!

Judges Comments:

*Bruno Spatola's Comments
*
Baby Shoes by Garza

How very YouTube. I could easily picture these southern kids via cam-corder footage putting baby shoes on their dog, laughing hysterically in the background and getting a million hits. The immaturity of it all made me smile. 

The actual writing I felt was rather uneventful. The words are in all the right places; the dialogue's clean and authentic; grammar and punctuation are solid; the formatting is neat and tidy. Everything's well-oiled, but there's not a substantial voice beaming these images into my head. They sort of unveil gradually and without incident, like negatives developing in a dark-room as opposed to Polaroids being shaken and summoned to life with energy. 

I wouldn't go as far as saying it's boring, but I didn't feel absorbed in all honesty. It has a bullet-point structure: this happened, then this, then this, almost as if written in a newspaper article – clear and to-the-point, but without colour. If that's your style then I'll shut up. I had difficulty latching onto any firm images, that's all. 

Nits:

“A quarter hour later the two ten year olds. . .” – I've been indoctrinated to hyphenate age. Damn my programming! 

“keep him still', said J.J. He lifted Bonzo's right paw and slipped on a baby shoe, set that that paw down. . .”

“Jason, have you been messing with your sister's baby shower gifts?” – This seems like a bizarre thing for her to blurt out having just gotten home; it sounds unnatural to me, unless there's something amiss to make her suspicious that isn't mentioned. A mother's intuition isn't that specific, though. You'd think if she knew what her son was like she'd have just hidden the baby's gifts in the first place. 

She sees grass stains on them afterwards. I'd put that scene before; it'd make more sense to me. 

“ . . . and the right shoe on the left food.”

”I'll take the picture and we can puit the shoes back.”

Needed a little more time to brew, I think, but what do I know? 

Thanks for the read.

15/20
* * *​
The Price by Terry D

Intriguing entry, this. I love how you merged the “Pawn Shop” and “Baby Shoes” ideas together. It made for an interesting mixture, I think, because they both imply loss of some kind, emotionally and physically. 

I'm still wondering why his first port of call was a pawn shop – why not the one he bought the shoes from in the first place? I get that it might be too painful for him to go back there, surrounded by new life and growth, but a pawn shop? Seems bizarre to me. I'd rather chuck them in a skip than make a few bucks out of 'em, no matter how desperate. It had me thinking hard, though, which is obviously a good thing. I found myself wondering what I'd do in his position; I have no answer.

I feel you gave the pawnbroker a louder voice than the main character (not literally). She sounds significantly more massive, rendering Shawn a mere shadow. Just a clash of personalities, maybe. His shaking hands and generally nerve-shot demeanor is well-realized, so me perceiving him as a shadow might actually be a plus-point. I could feel something was missing in him – I genuinely pitied the guy, and that's simply not possible without strong descriptive writing from a talented author (that's you!) driving everything forward. 

Nits:

“Memories forsaken and betrayed. Betrayed by whom? he wondered.” – I feel this contradicts Shawn's train of thought somewhat. I doubt he'd be going down little mental side-streets like this having more or less lost his child – he's trembling just holding a pair of shoes. It looks and sounds like something a writer would put in, which took me out of the experience a smidge. 

“She’s not talkin’ to me.” – Either I'm dumb (probable), or I've missed something vitally important. Is the mother shouting, “You gave up too much!” at Shawn? I'm hoping you'll explain it a little in the comments for me. Duhhh *dribbles*. 

Darn good writing, however; worthy of a podium placement and a rosette, easily. Touching work, and in a mere 650 words. Jealous. . . 

Thanks for the read.

18/20
* * *​
Tall as the Sky by KyleColarado 

First thing's first, you nailed Abby's speech perfectly. She doesn't sound any younger or older than she's meant to at any point – it's consistently accurate and believable throughout. Her mannerisms are just as tangible thanks to rock-solid descriptive writing and your talent for creating younger characters with great care and attention to detail, which made it all the more immersive. I tip my hat to you, good sir. 

The story I assembled from the pieces you provided wasn't as coherent, though. It has a somewhat jumbled structure that made it difficult to follow. Sudden transitions to important events come and go without much room to soak in, drawing up a time-line that's harder to keep track of. I'm aware that you included asterisks to symbolise those changes in time, but it's not always enough to make the reader confident about what's going on. I wasn't totally sure if what I was reading was past, present, or a mixture of both, which caused some frustrating back-tracking. 

The last two paragraphs clear it all up quite nicely, but the word-limit clearly disabled you from further exploring the most interesting parts: the actual miscarriage; Abby's reaction to it; the mother turning to drink, etc. It reads like a commercial on the effects of drinking alcohol whilst pregnant or something in those spots, and I yearned for a little more.

I understand that's flash-fiction's main (and often unavoidable) drawback, especially when dealing with complicated topics like losing a child; it took a few tries before everything fell into place, and some readers aren't so patient. I'm sure giving it a trim around the edges would have made room for a more rounded piece, though.

That's my only issue. The writing is very good indeed, and I enjoyed it in a quiet, wistful way – it had me pondering a lot about how fragile we are as a species. 

The execution wasn't one-hundred percent because of the constraints that come with the territory, but the idea shined through those pockets of smog brightly. Its heart is too strong to be spoiled by thin structural cracks, and the ending gave me a chill. Mission accomplished. 

Nits:

“. . . its outstretched body juxtaposed against the cotton-blue air.” – I don't like this wording, strangely. It (ironically) juxtaposes with the rest of the paragraph's simplicity, for me. A tiny splinter in an otherwise smooth piece of wood. JUX-TA-POSED. Such a grating word, don't you find?

That's nitpicking of the highest order, for I'm the Lord and Overseer of Pedantry, don't you know. Just call me LOOP.

“She felt left out, forgotten. A splash of anger flushed through her. Suddenly she turned and kicked the soil, splattering Daddy’s legs with mud. “Stupid plant!” she yelled.” – The timing's weird here. The ice-cream truck has barely been there five seconds and Abby's going mental. Doesn't sound organic to me, although they're unpredictable little . . . devils.

That's about it. Spelling 'n' grammar were spot-on, not an error in sight – sweet and smooth like Angel Delight (hehe, it rhymes). 

Nice!

17/20
* * *​
A Small Moment by LoneWolf

I'm fascinated that you came up with this from those six little words. I wasn't expecting it or anything of this nature at all.

You tapped into that bizarre moral compass with the directions all muddled that some criminals can often follow: rapists who draw the line at children; killers and maimers who think sexual abuse is wrong, or whatever it may be. In this case, a man refused to commit an unforgivable act because his potential victim had recently become pregnant.

It's completely twisted logic and yet frighteningly human at the same time – frightening because many “civilised” folk like to believe morality is exclusive to them when, in all fact, it may only be a slightly different set of values and rules to those they'd brand as monsters. It had me walking long and hard down those somewhat untrodden mental pathways, as you can see. It's nice to be challenged in that way, and it felt a surprisingly realistic situation. 

The actual writing is only solid, for me. Nothing particularly special or artistic, but the subject matter might've been compromised by trite similes and unnecessary details. Such a thing requires no aesthetic sheen, it's just that your story puts me in mind of a Crimewatch reconstruction because of the lack of profundity.

Some writers feel comfortable describing what's happening in the moment minus all the faffing about, which is fine, although not my preferred style. I often struggle when I'm not provided with enough – what may have been a lively, bustling marketplace in the writer's head can be an empty, white-walled box in a reader's. It's harder on the wrong side of the pen.

I would have liked more exposure to the perpetrator's behaviour, specifically; that carnal, throbbing desire he must feel to satiate his dark impulses is too interesting not to include. There was more than enough room to go all the way with it, so I'm a little disappointed its implementation wasn't deeper. I think it needed another coat of varnish – a change of perspective, even. I'd personally have told it through the man's eyes.

The final few paragraphs are excellent, though. My mouth was genuinely hanging open; I had no idea where it was going, which is always a great thrill. You had a good opportunity to create a dramatic moment there, and you succeeded.

Nits:

“The day was chilly but unexplainably humid. It didn’t sit right with her, the heaviness oppressive.” – The structuring of this is odd. “The heaviness oppressive” sounds like a band or something. 'The heavy air felt odd to her – oppressive,' is easier to follow. It also suggests something terrible is about to happen, and, quelle surprise, it does. I'd rather be taken off-guard as was the woman in your story. That'd sharpen its impact. 

“Then she saw him.” – I'd remove this entirely. The following line makes for a much more effective introduction to the event. “Then she saw him,” dilutes the tension, in my opinion. 

“ . . . as she felt herself being drug into her bedroom.” – 'Dragged'.

“ . . . knocking the phone to the floor. Along with the shoes.” – Full stop's a bit much here.

“ . . . and without another word he got off of her, turned, and quietly left the room.” – Now, if I were him, I wouldn't quietly leave the room. I've just invaded someone's home and tried to rape them – chances are they're phoning the police already. I'm going to run like it's Armageddon. 

You didn't say he left slowly or calmly, but “quietly” definitely suggests it to me. 

Overall, it needs to be chunkier and less reliant on the reader's imagination to fill in the gaps, methinks, but you were successful in creating a taut and provocative piece. The idea more than interested me enough to read it a few times. 

Thanks for the read.

15/20
* * *​
STILL by Jon M

Some wonderful imagery once again, something I've come to expect from you. It's well-paced, smooth – just technically flawless all round, really. A breeze to get through.

The idea isn't that creative though, I don't think. “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn” nearly always puts one in mind of miscarriages and still births, and that makes it too predictable. I believe, for a writer, it can be important to avoid doing “the usual”. Not to take anything away from your work, it's excellent, but you could have taken more risks with it. This type of tale is something of a literary comfort zone, in my opinion.

Still, it's pensive and poetic enough to glaze over the overused plot. Having read through a few similar entries before coming to yours, it was bound to stick out more prominently than if I'd read it first. Luck of the draw, in a way.

Nits 'n' stuff:

“As she listened to him talk she fought hard not to tell him to look again, because the baby was alive—she knew—somewhere in the womb where the doctors had missed.” – Lovely, lovely line.

“. . . and what amused Betty Carswell the most. . .” – You say Betty's full name four times, which is a little much. “Betty” is just fine after one or two, in my view. 

That's everything. Good writing, impeccable spelling, grammar, and an emotive theme (albeit a well-tread one) equals success!

Thanks for the read.

16.5/20
* * *​
The Night Inside, Not Quite Forgotten by Tiamat10

How even the most mundane things can trigger painful memories. Your main character is a sensitive soul, unable to shake off those thoughts that still bring it all back, that plague her. I really felt for the girl.

I think the descriptions were a bit too layered and complicated, though – I found they got in the way of what actually mattered: the plot, and the character.

Example: “FOR SALE,” the sign shouted in obnoxious red letters. She hated the color red, the way it bore into her, mocking, laughing, devouring. An upsetting color, she thought. The color of passion, of fury. The color of bonfires late at night. The red tips of the orange flames lapping at the night sky. Hungry. Eager.

There's a lot going in this paragraph. Too much, in my view. It's only the colour red, you know? If the sign was adorned with flames or something more cerebrally stimulating than a simple colour, I'd understand the embellishment, but it seems a bit over the top as is.

If it was longer – say, the full 650 words – I'm sure those flowery gradients would feel less glutinous, but in just 406 words, they were like patches of quicksand, for me. 

As a result, I had to read it a few times before I understood what happened, and I'm still not exactly sure. I've taken into account the fact that I'm an idiot, and from the information available she either gave up her child or . . . I don't know. The significance of the European bloke is lost on me. What did he mean by, “We'll get it”? I've been provided with a candle where I require a torch. A few lines describing what happened in more detail would help; there's plenty of room.

I apologise for the winging; I struggle with the more purple styles so many writers employ, sadly. It's like Maltesers for me: delicious in small portions but otherwise fatal. . . 'Tis my Kryptonite.

Nits:

“She exhaled, forcing the air, now warm and moist, out of her body. She felt its absence more than she'd felt is presence, the all-consuming burning inside.” – In the second line, I thought you were still describing the air she'd just expelled. Was it actually a baby she felt the “absence” of? That would clear up a lot, but the positioning is throwing me off; it should come straight after the MC resting her hand on her belly, I think, to prevent me losing track of its importance through the descriptive fog.

“ . . . the way he pronounced his W's.” – No apostrophe here, unless you meant 'W's and missed one out by mistake.

“ . . . more than she'd felt is presence. . .” – Its? His? Seems important.

Apart from those niggles, 'twas a work of art.

Thanks for the read.

15/20
* * *​
Through French Windows by Bilston Blue

The writing is technically exceptional here. Grammar, spelling and all that jazz are perfect. It's easy to read. The transitions from scene to scene – although spanning a relatively long period of time – were seamless. Overall, a masterclass.

However, I do think that the plot is less elegant. I often had a feeling of pure exhaustion wallowing in the horror of it all: the stink of the dead baby boy, the baby shoes tied to Katy's lifeless wrist. The utter and merciless crucifixion of hope and love, really. 

I have difficulty appreciating the hardships they faced from losing their child when it's layered on so thickly, and the inclusion of a suicide on top of all that anguish made it almost too much to bear. It's a heck of a lot to take in over the course of a paltry six hundred-odd words. 

Admittedly, I saw the baby's death and Katy's suicide coming early on, which explains why I found it more uncomfortable than I normally would. Even during those glimmers of hope (painting the baby's room, carving their names on the beech tree, etc.), I could feel the awful tragedy that awaited them pushing down on my chest. 

I'm not complaining that it's sad or ultra-realistic, which it is, just that it has all been compressed and squeezed into a single cube of fiction to be digested in one sitting; I almost couldn't breathe. Maybe that was your goal? 

Nits:

“ . . . glittering like a jewel. . .” – A tad clichéd, I thought.

“Does God not care, after the years I’ve bowed my head to Him?” – I'd take this out. Nothing at all to do with my beliefs, or lack of them. Just doesn't fit for me, somehow.

I've done nothing but moan and I apologise for that, because I'm a fan of your work. Spread across a larger format and featuring a more positive outcome, I'd be less weary. I find the stories of strong people in love rising above such harrowing life-events more evocative than those who fail to see the point in existing any more, but with a prompt-name like this, it was an unlikely scenario.

Good writers affect their readers intensely, and that's exactly what you've done to me, which is commendable enough in itself. You went right into the heart of darkness and took me with you.

Thanks for the read. I need a cup of tea. . .

16/20
* * *​
If the Shoe Won't Fit by BabaYaga

Why can't you write a normal story, BabaYaga? You know, one without vengeful witches or tentacled babies. I can always rely on you to do something a little different, though, and I loved the absurdity of this one. It's an amusing twist on a classic comedy situation. 

“If he could have, Herbert would have punched himself in the face.” – I'm just going to say that's my favourite LM opening of all time. I wasn't half-way through a drink of water, thankfully, because I probably would've choked to death in a dramatic, spluttering symphony. Maybe not, but it made me laugh.

I like Herbert as well. He comes across as a loving and honest bloke – I didn't once question his behaviour or conscience-wrestling, so good job on that in a flash piece. 

The only thing I'd criticise is the plot. Other than the otherworldly birth (which I could imagine being a classic scene in a sketch show), it isn't that adventurous. Still, humour can go a long way; the great implementation of the baby shoes makes up for it. Not needed with octopeople, haha.

Nits:

“He looked out the window at the full moon that hang heavily in the night sky. . .”

Little punctuation thing: there's a missing apostrophe in, “If the Shoe Won't Fit”, and I think your em-dashes look a bit small. Spacing them might help ( -- ). It's not wrong, but I was mildly distracted as they blend in snugly with words.

Other than those hitches, 'twas fluffy as a poodle. Simple descriptive work, realistic characters 'n' dialogue, the works.

Thanks for the read.

17/20
* * *​A Long Look at an Apocryphal Short by Chris Miller

A nice insight into Hemingway's famous short . . . I mean deGroot's (phew); very well written and interesting as always (I mean come on, it's Chris Miller!), but not fictional as such, so I find it difficult to score fairly.

Excellent work, though. Thanks for the read!

Score N/A

* * *​
Procrastination by Euripides

Ah, the pregnancy gnome strikes again! I love the idea – pretty weird, but in a good way. I certainly didn't guess what was going to happen (even though I thought I had done, ha), and when this little bloke made an appearance I was utterly baffled, amusingly.

Takes a while to get going, however. The whole thing with Janice stressed over her deadline is a bit pointless, yet it dominates a significant percentage of the story. You could have dedicated a lot more time to this bizarre encounter with the gnome (is he a gnome, by the way?) and figured out a shorter and more interesting inception later on. 

What I mean is, the contrast between the fantastical (gnome) and the mind-numbingly normal (an office work-place) works well, but the balance between them isn't spot on. As of now it's sort of 60/40, and I think it should be split 70/30, you know? Sorry for the poor analogies. I hope I explained it well enough. . .

Anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me, really; after his introduction, I thoroughly enjoyed it. His busy mumblings and total unawareness of his own peculiarity gives him a lot of character. I find him charming and abstract in a Terry Pratchett kind of way. Kudos for that.

Nitpicking:

“. . . she wondered is sauerkraut would gave someone bad breath.” – She wondered if sauerkraut would give someone bad breath? Also, in my experience, if you eat something that stinks, you'll stink, so I'm not sure what the line contributes. 

“Some of us have to WORK to do.” Two “to”s here, one too many.

“She was all ready to toss a ball of rubber bands over the cube wall in Craig’s general direction. . .” – I don't like, “general direction”. Seems lazy.

“. . . until she remembered that Craig was on vacation so his cube should be empty.” – I'd omit, “so his cube should be empty”. That's pretty obvious. Her thinking something like, “But Craig's on vacation. . .” would say it better, methinks. 

“Ah, ah, ah! I have it.” – I can't imagine, “ah, ah, ah!” coming out of someone's mouth. Sounded like a J-Lo track-title when I first read it, so I think you could write it more clearly. A simple, “Aha!” would be just dandy.

“Janice tentatively pointed to the middle box.” – I'd still be astounded at the fact a little man in a loincloth was rooting through my bag; she's too quick to accept it, no matter how tentative her pointing is. Your story has a surreal vibe, but I'm sure Janice would be far more inquisitive than this, regardless. Not a glaring error or anything, you've been limited to 650 words, but I'm confident you can make it more cohesive. 

Grammar and punctuation are very good indeed, as is your spelling. Top notch. 

Great idea, I enjoyed it a bunch . . . so thanks!

15/20
* * *​
Brush of Insanity by ForceFlow

Well, the first thing I had in mind was a dark sorcerer reigning hell upon some sleepy suburb for his sadistic master; then that picture was spirited away as I imagined up the scene of a common, devastating house fire; then that image destroyed and reassembled itself as just a painting – being observed by its artist – an apparently dead artist – all in the space of thirty seconds. 

It's like one of those fractals that zooms out on itself over and over and over, spiralling and expanding until you realise it's merely a super-high resolution snapshot of an autumn leaf. Something incredibly recognisable and simultaneously alien, depending on how you view it. 

I love it when I can't figure out the plot before it unfolds. It really felt like I was being taken on a little journey, which is exactly what fiction should do, and you achieved that.

The writing is simple and effective; short of poetic yet nowhere near boring. It held my attention with ease, due in no small part to that, its near-perfect structuring and smooth, naturalistic dialogue. There was enough information to keep me interested, but not quite enough to impede my internal game of 21 questions (in a good way, overall).

Far too positive, eh? That's not like me. . . 

I guess if I were to criticise anything, it'd be the ending. Why is this painter here, looking at his own work? What are his motives? Has he faked his own death and come along for a showcase of his work to revel in its success? Could he be living dead? Hera forbid, but who knows other than ForceFlow? You could argue these are good questions to leave unanswered, but that's subjective. With 100 words left to play around with, I'm sure there was more to say, one other nugget of truth to seal the package off nicely – a final double-tap on the delivery van's roof to send it on its way. I don't feel like it truly ended.

Still, 'tis a minor gripe. I enjoyed it, and that's what I'll remember most of all. Spelling, grammar and punctuation are faultless, too.

Thanks for the read.

17/20
* * *​
Final Goodbye by lcg

Lucy's lust for drink drew me in instantly. Ex-alcoholics frequently make for interesting protagonists, and that's true here.

The rest of the story is more difficult to break down. I thought it would be focused on Lucy's miscarriage and her recovery, but that takes a back-seat prematurely. Instead, the majority is set in Ariella's shop where it's revealed she adopted a child, and there isn't a lot more to that side of it other than Lucy's over-dramatic reactions. This made the crux tougher to pin-point, and I struggled often to stay on the path you'd laid out for me.

Two strong ideas like this in 630 words is ambitious, to the point where I feel it lacks any real closure come the curtain-call. As a short story it would have been perfect, but flash fiction isn't exactly the best home for it. It's hard to know what's important because there's not enough information being streamed to the reader – as the writer, you're privy to a lot more detail, and its absence is visible. 

It requires that back-bone. Removing Ariella's story arc entirely and concentrating on Lucy would enable that; she's the main character, after all, and I need a reason to care for her in some way. Ariella and her shop take up too much of the spotlight for it to happen, for me.

Nits:

“Ariella, of course, will be a wonderful mother.” – Who's talking here? Does the narrator know her, or has it switched to Lucy's perspective? It's a tad confusing.

“Curio Shop” – I'm not sure what context this is being said in. Is Lucy reading the sign of this shop?

“Though, her husband earned a lot as financial broker. . .” – I'd lose the comma after, “Though”, and add an 'a' before, “financial broker”. 

“The shop looked still the same except for the left shelf.” – 'Still looked the same', methinks. “Left shelf” is quite vague, too; it makes the shop troublesome to picture, like there's only the front shelf, right shelf, left shelf, and back shelf. All I'm seeing is a blank room with a few shelves in it. 

“It was covered with three different boxes of baby shoes; the sign saying “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn”. – I'd replace the semi-colon with a humble comma; it makes more sense I think.

“Her heart was shattering.” – When something shatters, it's an almost instantaneous reaction. This makes it sound as if her heart is in the middle of shattering, which doesn't add up to me. I'd replace it, personally – 'Her heart shattered' would be fine.

“Poor Ariella! What had she suffered? How painful it must have been for!” – Why does Lucy jump to this conclusion? It's only a pair of shoes and she's imagining the worst. I think you may have tried too hard to make the reader care for her here. Sounds kinda false.

“Mom, Mom- there is a lady in the shop. She is crying, more than I ever cried. Mom, make haste!” – Isn't this girl seven-years-old? “Make haste” makes her sound far too educated, to me. The dialogue betrays her character, but I'm betting some background info about the adoption would clear it up. She could be a child genius or somethin'.

Your spelling's in order, but punctuation and grammar are a little shaky. A few lines are structured awkwardly, so it could do with another once-over, or two. Nothing terrible or nout.

The idea has promise, without a doubt. I see what you were going for, and I'm sure you'll get there with some tweaking. 

Thanks for the read!

10/20
* * *​
Leather and Grace by Rubisco

I thought the plot was very interesting. A hitman became a father and escaped from the whole evil business to try and make it work, only for the past to come hurtling back into his life without remorse, like Beatrix Kiddo Vs. Vernita Green. Pretty cool.

The way you integrate the shoes as a weapon entertained me, too, even though I find their efficiency in a knife attack hard to buy, training or no training. Honestly, it'd be like fighting a T-1000 with a flannel. I still enjoyed it though. . . 

One thing: I'm not sure George would risk taking out Sam in a potentially crowded area (shopping mall parking lot). I know it's a small town but, as a professional, I doubt he'd be so careless anyway, coming at Sam like a gormless tank. Fibre-wiring him in his car seems more realistic – I see circumspection as something of a necessity where anonymity is concerned, but maybe I've been playing too much Splinter Cell.

Nits:

“They jumbled around in my brown shopping bag like a new puppy. . .” – Lovely description, but I can't imagine tiny little shoes reacting like that, boxed and all. I'll put it down to artistic exaggeration.

“Grace and my wife Erin would surely be at home right now.” – Small thing, but I think, “Grace and Erin should be home by now” or, “would surely be home by now” sounds better.

“George Feller? Here?” – Italicising this part would make it feel more internal and signal the slight perspective shift nicely, methinks. 

“ . . . and I knew I was in danger.” – This is made obvious by George Feller brandishing a knife, lol.

“ . . . small amount of salvia in my mouth. . .” – 'Saliva'.

“Later that day people walked by the shredded pink pieces of leather and shoelace I had placed by the door of the mall with a cardboard sign: For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.” – Wait a second, the shoes are completely ruined aren't they? I don't believe he'd go to the trouble of buying a marker pen and creating a make-shift sign for some useless footwear. I see how you were trying to include the prompt more, but it doesn't gel with me.

Grammar, spelling, and punctuation (I'm sick of saying that now) were about perfect. Good stuff.

Thanks for the read.

14/20
* * *​
Untitled by Chaeronia

The writing has a satisfying fluidity to it throughout, like a scalp massage from a smooth-palmed temptress (oh yeah *nods with eyes closed*). It's poetic yet simple; artistic but controlled, and all the while propelling the plot forward instead of dragging it down with huge purple weights. A delight to read. I won't go too overboard – I liked it, end of.

The storyline is where I ran into some trouble. The flashbacks to that place with the sensory tanks and the technicians are pretty confusing at first, for me. I didn't have the foggiest idea what was going on. 

Then in the second flashback, it sounds like it's John who's in this tank – this is where I kept returning to after I finished your story, still none-the-wiser as to what happened, fretting that I'd missed something vital. That's when my brain focused on “sensory tank” (light-bulb moment). Those two words cracked the whole thing wide open, hopefully.

Tell me if I'm close:

John lost his family in some way or another, and it was such an agonising experience for him that he couldn't go on anymore. He heard about sensory tank therapy, a sort of false reality thing (I think that's the technical term), that enables him to re-experience his life with them. He's become addicted to this technology, hinted at by his conformity when the technicians threaten he won't be allowed back if he doesn't calm down. Warm? Cold? Sub-zero? 

It was a long, long time before I was confident I'd figured anything out, to be honest, so I think those vague splodges could be lit up better. I had to join far too many dots in the dark for my liking; it's equal parts satisfaction and frustration. 

The final score would have been higher, otherwise, but it's still my favourite entry. The moments outside of that mist were attentive and real – a fair exchange, I say, and I loved it overall. I hope you'll explain the plot for me some more in the comments, though. Please. 

Thanks for the read. 

17.5/20
* * *​
Left Behind by Nikevious

An alternate view of a difficult situation, written well. Rather than wallowing in self-pity, your character takes charge and aims to rebuild her identity. I found this interesting, albeit slightly unpalatable.
I guess my main issue with it is how quickly she seems to get over this soul-crushing event. At the start she's clearly distressed, crying and reminiscing about those bygone memories, even smashing a beloved photograph following a surge of indignation. Next thing I know, she's gathering her baby's things together and trying to move on with her life. That doesn't sit right with me.

What has actually happened isn't really explained, either.

Example: Why? Why did they all leave me? I know an answer will never come. . . – Why will an answer never come? Has she tried contacting her family? Have they contacted her? Did she do something terrible to push them away? What was it?

There's only so much I can fill in on my own; you had another hundred words to expand the idea, which can make the difference between confusion and resolution. I longed to be informed of the series of unfortunate events that led to this awful predicament, and I only got the outcome. Easily remedied with reworking, I'm sure.

Nits:

“ . . . the place where he used to kick.”

“ . . . the great moments he was responsible for.” – I'm not sure what the emphasising achieves here. It sounds vitriolic, if anything.

“ . . . reminding me that I once knew the joy required for the beauty surrounding that sound.” – This could be worded better. I know what you're getting at, but it's not totally clear at first.

The writing is lovely, however, so it wasn't hard to read at all. Sentence-structuring and all that technical mumbo jumbo is a sight to behold. Very tasty – I'm in a dribbling heap of bliss as I write this.

I did enjoy it, that's what's important. Thanks for the read.

15/20
* * *​
Life In The Small Ads by Bazz Cargo

I honestly thought this was spam at first glance, before I saw your name attached of course – then I knew it was spam, hehe. That's a complement, scouts honour.

It felt like I'd stumbled onto some long-forgotten message-board from the '80s after an apocalypse, which conjured a smile . . . but let's be frank, this isn't a story as such, it's a string of corny jokes you'd expect on a pub wall or in Bruce Forsythe's twisted, twisted thoughts. 

Unique interpretation as ever, that's a given with your work, but perhaps too experimental for flash-fiction (and me) this time around. I dunno. 

I believe it would make a cracking little poem with some re-wording, though. In that environment, my opinion would be very different; here, I'm polarised. If the ads themselves weaved a subtle story together, it would have made a lot more sense to me. An MSN-style mystery, you know? A la Digital: A Love Story. Someone sees, “Baby Shoes For Sale: Never Worn” and is provoked enough to place their own ad out of curiosity or even worry, escalating into a full on investigation into a kidnap case, with their only contact being via 100-character advertisements. It's a little out there, but it's anactual story. 

Still, it was interesting, and it gave me a chuckle. Cheers!

SCORE N/A -- JUDGE'S ENTRY
* * *​
Sold by Candid Petunia

Another unexpected twist on the prompt. I was expecting a collection of Dreary McDrear's best work, but there have been some nice surprises, including this.

However, apart from the crystal dolls, it isn't the most interesting story. Viktor in particular is a relatively faceless character; his penchant for fine things is not as emissive as it could have been, nor his magpie-like collecting. That's the most intriguing element, for me, and it's a shame it isn't more focused. I feel as if a light haze is obstructing me from connecting with him.

Writing's solid, though. Nothing as poetic as other pieces I've read by you, but it gets the job done.

Nits:

“There on the glass table that sat in the middle of the room was... Viktor’s eyes widened in amazement” – I don't like the structure of this. The, “was. . .” creates a false sense of anticipation. It's obtrusive, in my opinion, especially in the middle of narration. 

Perhaps if Viktor was talking and stopped immediately when he saw the shoe, it'd look better: 

“D'you mind if I use the bathroom before. . .” Viktor's words sailed away.

There on Jeremy's wine-stained coffee table sat a crystal slipper -- a droplet of clarity plucked out of the ether by a porcelain goddess. That's what Viktor could see playing out before him like a spectral loop in time. 

Just an (awful) example, but it incorporates an ellipsis to convey that astonishment more naturally.

“This is only one. There are six others in different colours if you’re interested.” – I've never heard of shoes coming in ones – why don't they come in pairs? Seems weird to me.

Why didn't Jeremy just tell Viktor they were doll shoes, by the way? If Viktor didn't think he would be interested, he'd have mentioned that on the phone instead of wasting a trip, right? 

I think the conversation between him and Jeremy should have been included before-hand to shed light on it:

“Shoes? I don't think so, that's not really my kind of thing.” 

“Trust me, Viktor. You'll want to see these.”

Viktor wasn't convinced, but something in the man's voice made him feel strange – sleepy yet enticed. 

So yeah, I'm a bit confused why Viktor bothered going if he's sceptical. Some prior info would smooth it out, methinks. It's all a bit vague at the moment. 

“ . . . that were his prized possession.” – 'Possessions'. 

“He told him. Doubtless it was a lot more than the original amount, but Viktor knew. . .” – I want to know, how much?! Don't leave me in the dark! I thought it would cost him his eyes or something. That would have been cool. . .

“I shall ask the manservant to pack them for you.” – “I'll have my manservant pack them for you right away” sounds more sauve, to me, like the charming marketeer Jeremy so clearly is. Just sayin', not correctin'. 

“The pairs of shoes have now been sold and I’ve made double the amount. We have to make another disappearance tonight.” – I'd omit the first line here. I'm sure the servant knows this already, and the final line of the story says it all, anyway.

“When Viktor unwrapped the box in his house that night, he let a cry of surprise. There in the box before him lay the six crystal baby shoes he had asked for, all of them unpaired.” – Two things here: 

Why, in the name of Juno, having spent a fairly large amount of money, didn't Viktor check the box? I've heard of, “More money than sense” but bloody hell. Jeremy already said, “this is one, there are six others”. There was only one shoe on the table, the “one” he was referring to. Didn't that send alarm bells ringing with Vik? 

I love the idea. It's a refreshing change of pace from the grey mush I predicted from this month's LM, but I think it could have been executed better. 

Technically proficient, though. Good work on that front. 

Thanks for the read! 

14/20
* * *​
For Sale, Baby Shoes, Unused by Fire525

The writing was actually quite good in this. Simple but mostly clear descriptions, very easy to imagine and full of movement. Excellent grammar, punctuation, perfect spelling – everything present and correct in that regard. I love how you saw the baby shoes as a make-shift weapon, too. I definitely wouldn't have thought of it. . . Wait, are you Jackie Chan? MacGyver?

Thing is, nothing remarkable happens, really. There's no story to speak of. An agent of some kind (NSA? CIA? FBI? MIB?) is in a shop waiting for a shady deal to play out, and proceeds to beat the crap out of the two perps. It's not resolved at all, which leaves a gaping hole in its place. 

I doubt it was your intention to create an artistic, story-driven piece, so it's arguably pointless to complain about, but the action itself is rather traditional as well which made it stand out more. If you're going to do a fight sequence, I say go all out; that usually sweeps plot-holes under the carpet nicely. Yours was a bit tame for me, but the guy getting crushed was pretty darn cool. Powdered bones, yummy!

Nits:

Don't like the CSI Miami reference in the end, or the name Agent Smith (far, far too well-known to be considered creative). No need for 'em. Maybe I've overlooked something obvious that hints to this being a humorous parody, but I'm not a fan of them either so it's a lose/lose in my case, unfortunately.

“Die”, he said, drawing back his arm.” – This is bereft of energy – way too sedate for a death threat, methinks. How did the shopkeeper say it? Were his lips curled? Did he snarl like a wolf? Give it some grrr. 

“The shopkeeper had time for a brief look of surprise before the shoes smashed into his head, knocking him to the ground.” – This is highly unrealistic in my opinion. You could drop a pair of baby shoes onto someone's face in their sleep and they probably wouldn't even twitch. Perhaps these shoes are unusually massive for some reason, but it's not described; no matter how I try to make it fit, the shoes are just bouncing off the shopkeeper's head like a half-eaten Kinder Surprise.

I think you could've put more effort into this one, mainly in the action-y parts. Regardless, I believe the writing is sound as a pound, and there were some good ideas in there. 

I'm looking forward to more from you. Thanks for the read!

12/20
* * *​
For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn by Helium

I dig the idea of a family going on a regular (or so they thought) trip, only to stumble across this forgotten cabin – now nothing more than a shape on the horizon – and, worryingly, a discarded baby shoe. It stirred those feelings that rise to the surface when you see old Victorian photographs of unsmiling families: empty and devoid of life, but you attach a made-up back-story to it. We're hard-wired to embellish in a way that gives meaning. I'm interested in stuff like that. . . 

Apart from those arousing end scenes, I struggled, I have to say. I'm not sure if it's the odd wording that threw me off, the sometimes clunky sentence-structuring, or the ever-shifting behaviour of your central character.

For instance, at one moment, the mother seems angry and cold, ignoring the father; then she's ashamed of herself because the kids have already seen squirrels before (why?); then she's feeling lonely and terrified; then she's jovially breathing in rhythm to the receding sea. Maybe it's me, but that sounds like three very different personalities jammed into a single package. It was switching around a bit too much is all, making it an effort to visualize. 

With regards to the plot, I don't know where the family are going to or why. On vacation? Is their house being fumigated? You mention they've come out to explore, but it's not elaborated, so I'm not directly engaged with what's going on, I'm merely party to it. I've been slammed right into the middle of the story without a briefing, which overwhelmed me. 

The “baby shoes” element wasn't implemented as neatly as it could have been. You could have put anything in that cabin, baby shoes or not, and it wouldn't have made a notable difference, in my eyes. I'd prefer if it were bound to the heart of the story in a tighter way; most of the writing centres around the actual car-trip, which is the least interesting component.

The family entering/finding the cabin (the heart) being brought forward a few paragraphs would alleviate that, and trimming the fat in those travel scenes – perhaps even cutting out the father character, who didn't add much – would benefit it even more, fitting the two pieces together snugly. 

Nits:

“They’re hearts were wild. . .” – 'Their' hearts.

“The children sang along the dirt rugged road, laughed and giggled at the traverse’s jumpy.” – I think, 'Laughing and giggling' is smoother. 

“Father man was right. . .” – Do the children call him “father man”? It looks odd to me.

“Mother was worried; her frightened self was lonesome, and quite terrified of seclusion.” – The wording is a bit dodgy here. I'm not totally sure what's intended. 

“The soft smells of meadow spring and water green. . .” – This reads like it's jumbled up. Did you mean, “Green meadows and spring water”, or something like that?

“ . . . was so full in the spades of the shady trees.!” – 'In the shade of the trees'? Lose the exclamation mark (). 

“Oh, it was a shame it was only jolly to him.” – I'd cut the, “oh”, doesn't look right coming from the narrator.

“The engine roared like lions as they berated their every force.” – Nice line, but it makes it sound as if they're in Lamborghini – not exactly a family-oriented brand, and Vauxhall Zafiras certainly don't sound like roaring lions. Artistic, but out of place. 

“The substance was there, but the tone was shown no way.” – This line doesn't explain much to me; I'm not sure I'm on the same page.

“She was out, but still awake.” – “She was out” suggests that she's asleep, and, “still awake” that she's not. “She pretended to sleep” or something would make it clearer. 

Overall, a fair effort, but it needs a few sessions of fine-tuning to be great. Spelling's first-rate, though.

The idea has obvious promise, and I hope you work it into a longer piece. Without a 650-word restriction, it'll blossom.

Thanks for the read!

9/20
*Gamer_2k4's Comments
*
Title: Baby Shoes
Author: garza
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 15

Notes: 
I enjoyed this piece. You managed to turn what everyone assumed would be a sad prompt into a humorous story about two kids goofing around. While some grammatical issues were present, they didn't detract from the storytelling. The characters came across as very real, acting like parents and kids would be expected to.

You get high marks for effect, because I was crafting a setting for the story in my mind as the story went on, despite the lack of actual detail. Actually, the mental image was so strong (1950s-style southern home) that the mention of a digital camera and computer was a bit jarring. Still, that's my fault, not yours, so it's not going to hurt you. Fun story.

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Title: The Price
Author: Terry D
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 10
Total: 17

Notes: 
My first thought upon seeing your avatar was, "This guy has published a book already, so I get to be extra hard on him. He'd better deliver." Well, you did, and in a big way. The grammar wasn't perfect (comma usage issues here and there), but the rest of the story made up for it. Little details came out beautifully, like seeing the woman in the glass while looking at the shoes, thinking that the shoe by itself was lonely, realizing that pawned items represented pawned memories, the fact that Shawn's mental image of the woman in the back was inspired by his memories of Carri...it all just came together so well. I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, so THAT'S what good writing is like."

Perfect 10 for effect. I came into this with thoughts of, "I'm going to be a hard judge, and everyone's going to be grumpy because they're getting half the points from me that they are from everyone else." Well, I guess I was wrong. Every part of this piece, from the bookending of "giving away too much" to the wonderful detail throughout just screamed, "Contest winner!"

I have faith in the next entries I'll be reading, but for now, you're a clear frontrunner in my mind. Nice work.

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Title: Tall as the Sky
Author: KyleColorado
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 14

Notes:
This would've been a cute story if it hadn't been so sad. A few misspellings of "pail" kept you from scoring higher on spelling/grammar, but aside from that, everything was very good technically. The voice was also good; I think you captured the sentiments and vocabulary of a very young child perfectly in Abby.

While a good read overall, a couple of things seemed strange about this story. Why did Edwin see a woman in the shape of the tree? Was he thinking about Janie? Is she dead? I assume not, because the thud from the bedroom was probably her dropping the bottle (which leads into a later scene), but I'm not sure. The flow confused me, and I had to reread the piece several times to grasp everything that was going on.

Still, while not perfect, it was a touching story. I liked how Abby mimed her dad after watering her "plant," and the conclusion offers the melancholy mood of futile hopefulness. Abby's coping in her own way, which is good, but she's ultimately going to be disappointed. A decent submission overall.

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Title: A Small Moment
Author: LoneWolf
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12

Notes:
My biggest issue with this story is that it doesn't seem...possible, I guess. As I understand it, someone (who we don't know anything about) has broken into the house to assault and do who knows what else to the woman living there. He then sees unworn baby shoes, draws a conclusion and decides, "No, no, she's been through enough," and leaves. That just doesn't quite sit well with me.

Don't get me wrong; it's a concept with promise. The bad guy who seems so far gone actually has a heart after all. However, I don't think it works here, largely because we don't know anything about the man. You had another 200 words to work with, and it seems like a missed opportunity to really flesh out the story and give some meaning to what is happening here.

So much for my "effect" scoring. Additionally, you got docked for spelling and grammar because of words like "drug" (instead of dragged) and some awkward phrasing. The tone/voice, while effective enough, wasn't much more than narration, so some points were lost there as well. Still, it's a story with potential, and I think with some more work, it could turn into a profound little piece.

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Title: STILL
Author: Jon M
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 15

Notes:
There are two oddities about this story that I'm not sure how to react to. I'll handle the second one in my next paragraph, but the first one has to do with how you approach dialogue. On the one hand, it doesn't seem "right;" there are viewpoint changes midsentence ("Betty Carswell nodded enthusiastically and swore she’d never tell a soul—the Lord as my witness"), and not a quotation mark anywhere. That seems like a problem. On the other hand, it remains an excellent way of maintaining the flow of the story. By not using direct quotes, you keep the talk as a memory instead of yanking the reader out of the flow. For that, you lose a point on grammar (well, it should've already been lost for using "laid" instead of "lay"), but you gained one for voice.

The second oddity was the conclusion. I don't understand the ending, which is a problem for me as a judge; if it's truly profound, I can't take points off for my own lack of comprehension, but I also certainly shouldn't give points for assumed depth where something was simply unclear. I do like how the final sentence sounds, though, for whatever that's worth. Beyond that, I think it was a decent story. In a piece where writing space is at a premium, you did well to include the history of the shoes. They really make you connect with Betty, and add useful depth to the story.

Overall, you did an excellent job with the voice and used your limited word count well. Good work.

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Title: For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn
Author: helium
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 8

Notes:
I was never able to connect to this story. It almost felt like it had some sort of poetic rhythm, but never quite did. This broke my focus and distanced me from the story. Furthermore, none of the characters really rang true for me. It honestly felt like something you'd dream, where nothing was really quite clearly defined and events flowed into each other without any pattern or consistency.

This feel was only worsened by your writing style. If the spelling wasn't flawless, I didn't notice the errors, but your grammar left a lot to be desired. Words seemed misplaced, commas were missing, sentence structure was close to random, and overall it just wasn't an especially well-written piece.

The concept is decent enough: somewhere, isolated in the woods, is a deserted cabin with sparse furniture and baby shoes the only sign of the past inhabitants. It's a stirring scene, just ripe with storytelling possibilities. Unfortunately, your story was about the discovery of the plot device, rather than the implementation of it, and it suffered terribly as a result.

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Title: The Night Inside, Not Quite Forgotten
Author: Tiamat10
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 13

Notes:
First, the good: you have a very vividly written story. There's a lot of detail that really brings the piece alive. Little things really shone, like the way breath goes from cold to warm when you inhale and exhale, or the manner in which the European man spoke. All of that was fantastic.

However, the same detail that shone in your descriptions was utterly lacking in the core story. We know that "she" is upset, that it has to do with unworn baby shoes, and that babies were wailing in the distance. We know that a European man was involved somehow, and that he said the enigmatic, "We'll get it." But that's all! There's no substance to the story. You spent so much time on mood and emotion that you forgot to actually give reasons for the mood and emotion to exist.

Additionally, it was hard for me to give you a 3 for grammar, because while I know that fragments and missing "ands" are accepted literary elements, there's nothing grammatically correct about either. Some probably think those are considered "competant use of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation" (5), while I think it's more "consistent grammatical related errors" (2). I compromised. (A tiny spelling error held the number back as well.)

I'm the sort to focus more on the bad than the good, so don't think the words I devote to each has any correlation to the actual proportion. Still, the (non-grammatical) problems that existed were enough to hurt the story as a whole. You're excellent at some aspects of storytelling; bring the rest of your game up to the same level, and you'll produce some great things.

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Title: Through French Windows
Author: Bilston Blue
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 9
Total: 15

Notes:
Wow. That's some powerful writing. I suffered some timeline confusion midway through the story ("Wait, so did she have the baby, or didn't she? Oh, this is her fourth."), but the ending more than made up for it. I especially liked the disarray described in the final paragraph; having the white stain the black and the black stain the white was a wonderful touch. In fact, there were many powerful moments, but the absolute best was the following.

There were fewer tears last time. "It’ll only be us then, just us." she said in a wistful way. Then, "Promise you love me."

I promised.

It's so sad yet so beautiful. It's perfect.

I wish I could've given this story a higher score overall (15/20 doesn't quite seem fair for the impact it had on me), but I had to take some grammatical points off for not starting dialogue with capital letters, and you had some voice inconsistencies. "My insides are torn. My womb is decay," seems unnecessarily poetic, for example. And because those things hurt the flow just a touch, you couldn't get a perfect score for effect. Still, this is one of the best competition entries I've read so far. Excellent job.

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Title: If the Shoe Won't Fit
Author: BabaYaga
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Total: 16

Notes:
Right away, the story pulled me in. The combination of knowing the general tone of the topic and knowing that Herbert had missed what was sure to be a profound event hit me hard. The wilting roses were especially sad, because you could see how hard he was trying. All this is typed before I've gotten past the second paragraph, by the way, so you can see the effect your writing has on me right out of the gate.

...

And now I've read the rest of it. Um, wow. Talk about mood whiplash.

I honestly don't know how to feel about this. You get perfect scores for spelling/grammar and tone/voice, which already puts you ahead of everyone else, and you did such a good job with both to bring me into the story that it was just shattering to get through all that and see that the conclusion was what it was.

I'm afraid I can't give you an especially high score for effect, because you did such an amazing job with the setup that you absolutely destroyed the potential effect of that setup with your conclusion. I honestly feel frustrated, because I read 575 words of flawlessly profound introduction, and it was ruined with such a goofy conclusion.

You had a chance, BabaYaga. You had a chance at the best story here. Unfortunately, the best I can give you now is the promise that if you wrote a completely serious story sometime, I would read the heck out of it without a second thought. 

----

Title: A Long Look at an Apocryphal Short
Author: Chris Miller
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Total: 13

Notes:
Ooh, an opinion piece. Nice change of pace, though it's a bit jarring to judge that after going through so many short stories (especially since, strictly speaking, this is a fiction competition). Still, let's see what I can do.

It's well-written enough, and you make some good points. However, the core of your argument is contradictory to your initial premise. You begin by criticizing the story's "superficial melodrama" by pointing out that the assumed story (the loss of a baby) is only one of several possible options, offering the "more forthright" alternative of a poignant epitaph. So far, so good.

However, you immediately turn around and attack the common interpretation of the "baby shoes" story for being unrealistic and even a "plot hole." If a work has many interpretations and you choose to subjectively tear apart only one of them, isn't the problem with the reader rather than the author?

Consider these words from Hemingway himself (in reference to "The Old man and the Sea," but the validity remains):

"No good book has ever been written that has in it the symbols arrive at beforehand and stuck in...if I made them good and true enough, they would mean many things."

It's clear that this apocryphal story, if it was indeed real and written by Hemingway, was intended to be open to interpretation. Hemingway can no more be blamed for the supposed plot hole than a charcoal drawing can be blamed for being monochrome.

Well, look at me. I'm supposed to be judging, and I find myself sucked into an argument with someone who's not even trying to spark debate. For that, you get a decent score for effect, even if I don't necessarily agree with you. Interesting submission concept overall, even if it wasn't strictly fiction.

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Title: Procrastination
Author: Euripides
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 11

Notes:
I'm not quite sure what to think about this one. It has kind of a goofy premise, one that I'm not sure is used to its fullest potential. You don't use your words efficiently; an example right away is three uses of the word "deadline" and two of "diligent" in just the first paragraph. Another example is paragraph about sauerkraut, which didn't really tie into the rest of the story.

I followed your story well enough, but grammatical issues kept me from being really pulled into it. I think with a better command of grammar and story flow, you could've taken a silly premise like "gnome appears out of nowhere to give woman baby shoes" and really gone places with it. As it stands, you have a story that, while readable, isn't particularly impactful.

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Title: Brush of Insanity
Author: Forceflow
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Total: 15

Notes:
What a perfect introduction. You describe the painting with such detail while keeping the reader ignorant to the fact that it's a painting. We're jarred from the scene at the same time the narrator is, and it's an excellent effect. I don't quite like the fact that the "meaning" of the painting is explained so blatantly, but that concern is alleviated by the very real-sounding nature of that section. An art curator is talking, so of course he's going to be saying those things.

The thing that really won me over, though, was your writing technique. Ignoring some easy-to-overlook grammatical issues, the piece flows well and never strays from its focus. You set the scene and explore it very competently, and the story shines as a result. Great submission.

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Title: Final Goodbye
Author: lcg
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12

Notes:
Honestly, this feels like it was written in another language and translated into English. There's nothing wrong with that as such, but your underwhelming command of English prevented this story from really being the gem I'm sure it was in your mind.

As so often happens, I like the idea behind the story, even if I think that idea was hurt by your execution. The notion that the shoes went unworn because Ariella adopted a child instead of the baby she had intended was a lot happier than the explanation Lucy expected, and your story definitely ended on a heartwarming note. Ultimately, I enjoyed your story, but the technical shortcomings prevented it from scoring any higher.

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Title: Leather and Grace
Author: rubisco
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13

Notes:
This is another instance of a story that had a good concept but just wasn't believable. I do like the thought of something as innocent as baby shoes being used to save someone's life (and then take another). There's clearly some history between the two men, and I could see the situation itself occurring in real life. Unfortunately, you're expecting a LOT out of the shoes, to the point of exceeding the bounds of believability (particularly with the strangling bit).

The piece seemed free of spelling and grammar problems, but nothing stood out to me about the prose itself. It got the job done and was easy to follow, but it didn't wow me. Furthermore, the ending seemed kind of shoehorned in for the sake of sticking to the prompt (no one is going to buy or sell scraps of leather than used to be unworn shoes). Like the rest of the story, it was something that could have definitely worked, but wasn't quite pulled off.

You had a good concept overall, but average execution kept your story from scoring higher. Take some more time to develop your ideas in the future, and I think you'll produce some quality material.

----

Title: Untitled
Author: Chaeronia
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 11

Notes:
I found this story difficult to follow. My best guess is that these are artificially induced dreams, created for the sake of giving John memories that never were? As in, he wanted a kid but couldn't have one, so he's trying to experience fatherhood through these techniques?

The problem is that neither component of the story (the dream nor the lab) is especially compelling by itself, and they don't gain significant value when combined, either. Because you didn't adequately explore the concept you were chasing, I never was able to effectively experience it as a reader. It was an intriguing attempt, but one that fell quite a bit short.

----

Title: Left Behind
Author: nikevious
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 17

Notes:
This story is equal parts heartbreaking and comforting. The picture you paint is so forlorn, yet so satisfying at the same time. The protagonist has hit the bottom, but she's accepted that, and she's ready to let go. She's not frantic. She's not cripplingly depressed. She's not angry. Aside from a single outburst of frustration, the woman accepts and reacts to her position with deliberation and possibly even excitement. It's time to move on.

Your spelling and grammar were perfect, and the tone of the piece exactly matched the sentiments and emotions you were trying to convey. This was a great read and a pleasure to judge. Excellent work.

----

Title: Life in the Small Ads
Author: bazz cargo
Spelling/Grammar: 2
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 9

Notes:
Well, it's pretty obvious you just threw this piece together on a whim. I got half a smile out of a couple of the entries, but given that the jokes weren't exactly original, I can't give you too many points for effect. A cavalier approach to grammar and a barely effective tone were responsible for the rest of the low score. Good for a chuckle, not for a competition.

----

Title: Sold
Author: candid petunia
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 15

Notes:
I don't have too much to say about this story other than that it was a solid, well-written work with a nice twist at the end. Structurally and technically, it's one of the better ones here, and while it doesn't quite tug at the heartstrings like some of the other stories, it doesn't have to. You accomplished what you set out to do, and the result is a very readable story. Good job.

----

Title: For Sale, Baby Shoes, Unused
Author: Fire525
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12

Notes:
YEAAAAAAAH!

Well, who would've thought two separate authors would independently use the baby shoes as lethal weapons in their stories? Unfortunately for you, this usage is just as unbelievable as rubisco's. Fortunately for you, the tone you chose made it easier to make light of that fact.

Your spelling was fine and your grammar was mostly on target, though one thing in particular bugged me. You use italics to show Smith's thoughts, but you maintain a third person perspective when you do so. If it's third person, it's not a thought, and if it's a thought, it shouldn't be third person.

Other than that nitpick, it's a decently written story. It just doesn't have the punch (ha) to stand out against the rest.


----------



## Potty (May 11, 2012)

*Bazz cargo's Comments
*
1
 Baby Shoes
 by
 Garza.

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
 Effect 10-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 19/20

So JJ had the idea of putting shoes onto Roddy's dog. A right pair of rascals. A very easy read. I got caught up with the characters despite the briefness of the story. And I had a smile on my face when it ended. 

One typo. I still have to check to make sure my eyes are not playing tricks on me.

I would like to read more about this family, the shenanigans the kids get up to. The level of love and exasperation from the parents.
 Loved it.
* * *​
2
 The Price
 by 
Terry D

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 9-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

So bleak. The pawn shop came across as a tired and depressing place. The characters came across clearly, if somewhat clichéd. Great word pictures and a neat twist.
 You write with an emotional punch.
 I loved it.

* * *​3
 Tall As The Sky
 by
 KyleColorado

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 10-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20

What a ride! I struggled badly with this, it seemed disjointed and clumsy, then the tail end hit me with a bang and everything suddenly made sense. This is a good place to try such challenging work. You brought a tear to my eye.
 Very good stuff. (Sniff).

* * *​4
 A Small Moment
 by
 LoneWolf

3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 3/5 - Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing.
 Effect 9 – 10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 15/20

This deserves a higher score. Unfortunately there a few little niggles. My suggestions would be:

unexplainably would benefit from being changed to inexplicably. 

her quiet neighborhood. a quiet neighborhood. Too many hers in a short space.

heaviness oppressive. Oppressive heaviness. 

she felt herself being drug into her bedroom. As she was dragged into her bedroom.

Powerful, well constructed and a clear page turner. The violence was credibly written and the emotional punch was well delivered. You cleverly left a mystery that sticks in my mind. 
A solid, good read.

* * *​5
 Still
 by
 Jon M.

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8 – 10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

You deserve a higher score, only there are a few nits. Speech should be in “speech quotation marks”

“We’re gonna have a baby,” he said, laughing into the phone. “Yeah, a girl. But hey. April don’t want anyone knowin jus yet. We jus learned ourselves. So you got to keep it secret, alright? But hey listen, I jus couldn’t not tell yall; I had to tell somebody.”

“that for the goddamn life of me, I don’t know what’s worse: not knowin, or not bein able to say I know.”

And this sentence is a bit clunky:
 staring up at the bad plaster job and the lazy turning fan, noticing how sometimes they turned watery and glass-like.

There is a lot of nice touches but I especially liked:
 For a while she just watched the mottled, leathery spread of his hand on her blue jeans, the backside bumpy with fat and wandering veins.

Very powerful stuff. Bleak and depressing. The description was so good I could smell the poverty.
 I like your eye for detail and your light touch with dialogue.
 Very nice.

* * *​6
 The night Inside, Not Quite Forgotten
 by 
Tiamat

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9 – 10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total 17/20

Just a brief scene, so complex and full of history. You built the picture in my mind so well I felt like I was standing next to her. I like the ambiguity; was it a birth that went wrong? Or did the child go straight for adoption? Or something more painful?
 You left me a very sad reader.
 Good stuff.

* * *​7
 Through French Windows
 by
 Scott Derry

5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 10 – 10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 19/20

Oh Scott, what must it be like inside your head? How can someone visit such a world of woe onto a poor, fictional character? 

You start with such bright optimism, sunlight and naughtiness, then whack me with such a heart rending scene. You are not a nice man. Just an excellent writer. 
What a great read.

* * *​8
 A Long Look At An Apocryphal Short.
 By
 Chris Miller.

4/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
 Effect | 10/10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 19/20

I have been looking at the Hemingway Wiki. Your offering is so real I had to. It also chimes with my own prejudices. 

According to my spell checker there is only one M in Hemingway and Schadenfreude has an E on the end.

I can't help feeling you have misused your talent to blur the boundaries between fact and fiction in such a way as to confound me. I really, really wanted to give you a full twenty.
 Blown away.

* * *​9
 If The Shoe Won't Fit
 by 
Babayaga. 

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
 Effect | 8-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

A really excellent example of story construction. The roses were an especially nice touch. I liked the dodge you used to include the prompt but it did feel like I was bounced from a warm domestic soap into an episode of Men In Black. I would love to see what you could do with this. There has not been new, decent sci fi soap written for a few years now.
 I loved it.

* * *​10
 Procrastination
 by 
Euripides. 

3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 9-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

Thank you for entering this in the LM. It may have lacked originality but it was pitched just right and made my day. 

I'm not sure the diligent and deadline repetitiveness works for me but the office ambiance was perfect. 

I would put 'inner dialogue' or thoughts down in italics. Save the quotes for speech or indirect quotation. 

I hope you try again. I enjoyed your story.

* * *​11
 Leather And Grace
 by
 Rubisco

4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 9-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

Baby shoe-itsu, or kung shoe. A neat twist on the theme that worked well. I take my hat off to anyone who can write a fight scene without making it boring.

Salvia?

I would put 'thoughts' into italics.

This was well written and confounded my expectations. Surprise is a great ingredient in any story.
 Brilliant!

* * *​12
 Brush Of Insanity
 by
 Forceflow.

5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 9-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20

A neat and twisty piece that takes no prisoners. I particularly liked the way you made me feel I was inside the picture before you let the fact it was a painting slip. Great visualization. Strangely the fishing rods caught my attention and the prompt felt rather sneaked into the story. 

Very strong contender. I'm glad you came back for another go.
 I liked this a lot.

* * *​13
 Final Goodby
 by
 ICG

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8 – 10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 15/20

What a lovely little tale. Overcoming adversity and coming to an equilibrium. I can understand Lucy's struggle and the shy pride of success at beating such a powerful demon.

There a few sentences that could do with a tweak:

but the doctor

else had avoided 

made a brief call on Ariella’s anniversary. (You don't tell me what anniversary). Wedding?

For the thousandth time

Ariella as a mother

“Curio Shop”. (This could work as a title to a new section or you could explain... The sign read 'Curio Shop.') Plus the full stop or period would go inside the quotation marks. 

A worthy entry that gave me a good feeling.
 I liked it a lot.

* * *​14
 Sold
 by
 Candid Petunia

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

What a delicious scam. It's nice to see the naughty side of you. Clear and easy to follow, although some lines could do with a tweak:

Now as he sat on the other side of the room from his host,

Viktor doubted he’d find shoes appealing.

Delicate, lilac-coloured that caught the light

And one of my favourite lines:
 Shoes were shoes after all – they were made to be debased by the feet, to mix with the mud and get soiled.

Totally brilliant take on the prompt. I'm glad you put this in, it made my day.
 Loved it.

* * *​15
 Baby Shoes, unused
 by
 Fire525

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

Ye hah! Completely mad and wonderful. The story may have lacked verisimilitude but it still worked. A quick, easy read with a rolling of the eyes and a groan at the end. Worthy of Frank Drebin at his best.
 I loved it!

* * *​16
 Untitled
 by
 Charonia

3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

I struggled to get into this one but afterwards I felt the struggle was worth it. A virtual relationship with a baby and a wife. Very neat. There were a few clunky lines:

But she's not admonishing.

I'm seen and raised by her uncanny ability

Mind you one of my favourite lines is here; but she's a wrinkle of concentration 

The jump from the two of them to the three of them threw me and the jump from first to third person threw me again.
 I can't help feeling this would serve as a longer piece. Despite the feeling that there is too much squashed into too few words, it is a good, solid story. 
I enjoyed it.

* * *​17
 Left Behind
 by 
Nikevious.

4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

Strong stuff. On the strength of your work I looked up PND. 
Poor lass, PND, no child and a broken relationship. Then deciding to end the pain artistically. Strong plotting, well motivated and completely logical. A good feel for the dramatics we all put ourselves through. 
I'm glad you put this in.
 great stuff.

* * *​18
 For Sale: Baby Shoes Never worn.
 By 
Helium

3/5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect | 7-10 points. 
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 14/20

Startlingly original with a poetic lilt that put a smile on my face. You put sentences together in a way I could never imagine. A simple holiday trip, a break in a cabin in the woods with the family. There are some lovely touches:

She had a hurricane mouth that sputtered out of control.

The soft smells of meadow spring and water green, was so full in the spades of the shady trees. 

And on the negative side:

Feverous; I am unsure as to the meaning of this word.

The baby shoes themselves felt like they had been added on at the end rather than part of the story.
 This was an unusual and pleasant read.
 I enjoyed it. 

*Potty's Comments
*

Garza,

A nice take on the prompt! I would wager that 99% of people who read Hemingways short for the first time think of the possible tragedy that cause the baby shoes to be up for sale. It was nice to see a plot with no dark side lurking behind scenes to throttle the unsuspecting reader, instead a ridiculous looking dog called Bonzo!

I found your dialogue to be a little flat in places and could use a little livening up. For example: "Wait. Would he hold still and let me put these on his front feet?". I feel this would sound more realistic as "Let's put 'em on Bonzo!". While your sentence does get the information across, it's quite clinical sounding and doesn't really help me get a feel for the character. 
The only other fault I have with the dialogue is it doesn't really fit with how a ten year old would speak. "But I can't promise what the shoes will look like after he drags them off with his teeth." Would be something an adult would say, I feel a ten year old would be more: "No way! We'd get found out for sure if he rips them!"

I will admit, I wasn't really sure what was going on until you mentioned they were ten years old, then it all made sense. I wonder if it would be beneficial if you tried to mention it sooner as I spent the first part of the story wondering why two adults were worried about getting some baby shoes dirty... But then maybe I'm just slow on the up take. From the point where they are behind the shed I'm 100% clear on what’s going on.

"'The dog don't care', said J.J.". I liked this line, this shows me that your character isn't just a robot. It's how I perceive a ten year old would think and speak, it doesn't sound carefully formatted. Nice job!

When we find out J.J's name is actually Jason I became a little confused and at first thought you were introducing a new character. I worked it out of course, but I would consider having the mother call him J.J to save any possible confusion. Adults use nick names like this quite a bit (Dawn Jessop = D.J for example) so it's nothing out of the ordinary. I also notice you flip flop between J.J and Jason in your narrative... something to be wary of as it is a good way to confuse a weak mind!

"J.J. giggled. 'If it had been a girl, would I be an aunt?” I liked this Exactly how a ten year old would think! Nice job.

"'I'm not an aunt, I'm an uncle', said J.J." I didn't get this line *boggle* we've already used the joke a few lines up and there has been no change to the punch line. Don't quite see how it fits into the story. Am I missing something?

Over all an enjoyable read with an ending I wasn't expecting as I was waiting for the tragedy to jump out at me at any moment. I've never considered the prompt to have a happy version so it's made me look at it in a new light. If I had to be really picky I would have to say it could use a little more excitement/adventure.

16.5/20

----

Terry D,

I noticed you used the main prompt for this story and also the "runner up" prompt of Pawn Shop. I won't award any additional points for this but just wanted to let you know I recognised the effort. 
My first observation is "eyes the color of rain". I struggle to imagine a colour here as rain is technically see through. I'm assuming you meant a sort of dull greyish however which, after a quick google search, is quite an interesting choice! 

My second thought is would hand guns would really be found in a pawn shop? I'm in the UK where hand guns can only really be gained through shady means or more paper work and background checks than it's worth. But my understanding is firearms of any kind should be bought through a registered dealer. Correct me if I'm wrong but I find this little unlikely. 

"Betrayed by whom? he wondered." I would have probably left this line out as "Memories forsaken and betrayed." was powerful enough by itself.

"Her voice snagged in Shawn’s mind like calluses on silk." Loved this line! Having run my hands over silk after a day of hard labour I know it's not a very nice feeling! Especially if you snag a frayed bit which tugs at the dry skin fraying the silk further. Nice use of imagery here.

"placing the right shoe next to the left, and turning them so the toes pointed at Shawn like an accusation." I liked this. It gave me the first real glimpse that something sinister had happened for the character to feel this way.

"a needle thin cigarette burning between her fingers (not yellow; not yet)." I was wondering why previously the character wondered if his partner would eventually turn out like the old crone behind the scenes. I start to get a sense of the bitterness the character is feeling toward her for whatever decisions she made that landed him in the pawn shop.

"I should’ve said, “No.”" Again, confirmation that the partner is to blame and he is struggling to come to terms with the eventual outcome. I read on with interest to see what has caused him such hurt.

"“Oh, honey,” her voice still smiled, “She’s not talkin’ to me.”" This actually sent goose pimples over my skin! It all comes together here! without actually telling the reader what has happened you have shown the worst. It could have been anything, adoption, some hair brained insurance scandal. Anything. My instincts tell me she aborted the baby which he was keen to have (Hence buying baby shoes so early on) but when she told him she wanted to abort, he had no choice but to give up his child, symbolised by pawning off the new baby shoes... Something that will shake the foundations of their relationship. And who doesn't love an old crone who can look into your darkest thoughts?

A good read with good imagery, a few minor points of accuracy in my mind but a very powerful ending. The dialogue was clear an believable. 

Good job!

19/20

----

Kylecolorado,


The first paragraph was a bit of a struggle. Mainly because I thought the bird in the tree had some significance to the story and was expecting it to tie in somehow later on. When it never did I came to the conclusion it was a way to draw the readers attention to the tree itself. I was correct when you switched to the POV of the father who tried to see what his daughter was seeing. He saw a woman. Along with the line “Now Mommy will be happy again,” I wondered if it was an effigy of her recently deceased mother. The image then apparently turned and scampered away. It concluded with no real explanation of who the woman was supposed to be. Mostly the whole thing with the tree confused me a little and distracted me from the rest of the story which, may I say, was mind blowing. 

You switched to a flashback of Abby and her father planting a sapling, I know this is not the same tree as mentioned in the first section as Abby hasn't aged a great deal, therefore not giving enough time for the tree to have grown so much... but again I'm puzzling over a tree! The transition between present and past was skilfully done with. It was easy to follow the switch, something that from experience I know to be difficult to achieve. The scene was clear and crisp. Sloshing water over her dad's shoes was a nice addition and added depth to her character as a clumsy child and an understanding father. I was a little shocked at Abbys little tantrum over the ice cream, but I guess that's what children are like.

A second little glimpse into the past with a heart warming image of a close family expecting the arrival of a second child. Touching.

Back to the present where we see the mother in a drunken stupor. Outrage seared through me as at this point I still thought the mother was preggers, how irresponsible of her to be drinking!

I'm a little confused about where in the time line this next section is supposed to be. The line “The melody tinkled down the street. Huffing and flailing, Abby stopped and turned.” also threw me as I wondered what “Huffing and failing” actually meant. Then a table appears out of nowhere. I would be tempted to leave the line out so the reader is left in no doubt that Abby is in some sort of shop.

“Abby wrapped her hand in her shirt, exposing her belly button. “My brother,” she said, looking down. “He never comed out of Mommy’s tummy.”” Very good use of imagery and a nice way to break it gently to the reader the brother never made it into the world. It also shows that Abby is old enough to understand what has happened. The shop keeper kindly gave Abby the shoes for free despite Abbys attempt to bater for them properly. Very emotional.

Final paragraph where we pick up from the first. I did wonder what the mound of dirt signified to begin with. This ties it off nicely with the realisation that Abby is trying in her own little way to fix her broken world by remembering her fathers lesson when they planted the sapling together.

I'm not ashamed to admit this story brought a tear to my eye. A rarity. 

19/20

----

Lonewolf,

A nice short piece with plenty of action. The description of the weather took me out of the story a little and felt like a bit of a filler to try and lull the reader into a false sense of security before the horror begins. I personally felt it could have done without it. Also: unexplainably/Inexplicably

I can sympathise with the woman’s horror as she realised her only defence against her would be attacker was the front door which she had left open. Having been attacked in my own home myself, I too know that sinking feeling when you realise the attacker can get in easily. I am instantly connected with the character and am feeling her panic. Good use of description!

When he drags her into the bedroom I know right away the enormity of what is about to happen. She continues to struggle against her attacker, good! I like to see someone do something about a problem rather than just begging for it all to stop... as if that's ever worked. However “being drug into her bedroom” rang an alarm bell... I'm not sure is 'drug' is correct grammar. I could be wrong of course as I often am on such matters... but maybe 'hauled' would work better.

I'm not so sure that in real life a rapist would be so worried about the fragile mindset of his victim. Considering the damage he was prepared to do himself (which is often the driving force behind a rape) I think it would be more likely that the realisation she was pregnant would probably have just fuelled his sick lust. However I am relieved for the character that he had a change of heart, I guess even total bastards can be human at times.

The story ends with the character once again being proactive about what just happened, it is clear she is thankful that her unborn child is unharmed.

A good read but felt a little rushed in places. I'm a little disappointed that the attacker just lost interest and went away without much explanation. I'm also sorry to say that I didn't quite get the point of the story as really, a lot happened with no result. It almost felt as if the baby shoes were thrown into the story just so it would fit in with the prompt.

16/20

----

Jon M,

Ho ho! I wondered when I would come across some artsy fartsy writing!

This was a touching piece with no twist in the tail. Instead it is a look into a family who all know a secret, but when tragedy strikes they are unable to share their grief with one another. 

In the first paragraph we see Betty watching her husband dealing with some bad news. Already we get a sense that something has gone wrong and the family are taking it rough. In true old timer fashion, he is taking solace in being alone to deal with his emotions, I can only assume so he can break down a little if he needs too without worrying about keeping up appearances. 

We move on to get a little back story, the announcement of a new child. Betty promised to keep it a secret but couldn't keep it from her husband which can be expected! You made interesting use of dialogue here, you kept it out of quotation marks and incorporated it into your narrative. At first I thought this was a mistake, but it quickly grew on me and if anything added to the tone of the story. The only thing I would comment on is the use of that floating comma wotsit. E.g: Knowin/knowin' or Jus/Jus'. This makes the dropped letter feel more deliberate, of course we all know it is but some could be forgiven for saying some of your keys are sticking! This is a minor point however... had to pick fault at something!

I struggled over this sentence: “noticing how sometimes they turned watery and glass-like”. For the life of me I can't work out what turned watery and glass-like. Was it her eyes filling up with tears? Could use a little elaboration. In the same paragraph we find this: “ As she listened to him talk she fought hard not to tell him to look again”. A very moving sentence, I have experienced this feeling myself. When you loose someone you have to stop yourself from calling their name when you get in from work. It's hard feeling so helpless!

The first signs of how hard the news will effect the family come up next when Betty realises she cannot give the cradle and shoes back as it would mean informing the family member (who shouldn't be in the know anyway) of the bad news. 

Finally Jack comes back, clearly more able to deal with the situation after sorting through his own feelings. He is now ready to give his wife comfort which he does so by saying “For the goddamn life of me, I don’t know what’s worse: not knowin, or not bein able to say I know.” I like to think that in his own little way Jack is letting his wife know that it's OK to be upset but he is also showing her his own torment as he will now have to face his daughter and pretend he knows nothing about what's going on. A trial for any loving father. 

The story concludes with Betty reflecting on everything that’s happened and how (this is my interpretation, correct me if I'm wrong) it's unfair and somehow wrong that one day all life comes to an end, even that of her husbands. But for now she is happy he is alive.

A very well written story favouring a masterful use of the English language to sell the story over that of a tail that packs a punch. You have managed to portray a realistic situation with a delivery that makes you feel the loss of the characters.

Well done!

18.5/20

----

Helium,

I'm going to be honest with you here, I found this story very hard to follow. Some of the ways you describe scenes can easily confuse the reader. For example, in your first sentence you set the scene in a little cabin in such a way to suggest something may be going on in there but then take the reader elsewhere. For example: “In a little cabin far in the desolate woods, an open window lets in the sounds and smells of nature.”. This would be a more understandable way of finishing the sentence and doesn't leave the reader thinking the story is going to take place inside the cabin. You chose to use “Nature showered in lucidity” which really seems to suggest that nature is taking a quick wash in something clear.

Despite the lack of my ability to connect with your story, there are a number of things I can pick out which I really liked the sound of. “when the sun greatly rayed” was the first thing that brought a smile to my face. It was a good way of describing a hot summers day! Another is “ They’re hearts were wild and their parents were mild”, this rings true for pretty much all family’s! The kids run amok while the parents sit back and enjoy the day. Be aware of the their, there and they're however, the correct one to use in this sentence was 'their'. 

“She had a hurricane mouth that sputtered out of control.” Suddenly an image of the other half pops into my mind... strange.

A good effort, but possibly a little above my understanding as this smacks of poetry... my arch nemesis! But worth the read for the few nuggets that are scattered throughout the piece.

13.5/20

----

Tiamat10,

How often have we all taken a walk to the shops only to have an innocent object remind us of something we try hard to forget. A good opening paragraph where I am able to connect with the character.

Some good imagery follows in the second paragraph but I find myself wondering how dedicating a whole section to the colour red has any real bearing on the story itself. I push this thought aside as the images you plant in my mind are vivid. 

She has a flashback in the next bit where she meets a mysterious stranger. It all happened in the summertime which we learn when she remembers the heat and humidity. We never learn his name, only that he says “We'll get it.”. She thinks it's an odd thing to say and frankly... so do I. I can't find any meaning to what he says and it doesn't do a good job of what the flashback is supposed to reveal. But I liked the last line “Somewhere nearby, a baby wailed in the night.” it was quite a haunting sentence. If I had to pop a guess I would say that her house is on fire and the baby is left trapped inside. I say this as previously the colour red conjured up images of flames licking the sky, and it was the colour that prompted the flashback.

She comes back to the present and realises her hand is resting on her belly, I presume she is remembering the brief time she spent with the child but is trying hard to forget her loss so removed her hand. But it's clear that while she had her child she took it for granted. Now it's gone she misses it like nothing else.

The story ends with a repeat of that haunting line, though she tries hard to forget about her loss the eerie baby wail echoes in her mind.

I could be wrong about how I interpreted the story so feel free to correct me in a PM if I'm way off. But I found it a good read, a little cryptic for my tastes as I had to re-read a few times to try and get a meaning. Well written nonetheless!

17.5/20

----

Bilston Blue,

“where our love was carnal and noises animal” * Crosses legs * good start...

We see Katy filled with the hope of being blessed with Alfie, she shows her hope by planning for a swing to be hung from the spectgermanthingy tree at the bottom of their garden. One observation is the lack of a capital letter 'W' in the first line of dialogue. Tisk Tisk.

I get a little confused if we switch to a flashback when she says “You'll love them,” as I assume she is referring to the French windows. Is this a glimpse back to when they had them installed? It threw me a little and I wonder if it is worth omitting this line for the benefit of the feeble minded.

“Indulging Katy was a habit; my way of saying, “I still love you. There’ll always be an us.” I liked this line, I know all too well the benefits of indulging the whim of a spouse. But I see he is nervous to indulge the swing idea as it all seems too similar to the last time. This is where we find out that they have tried, and failed, for a child before Alfie. But he allows himself a glimpse of hope at the thought of Alfie running to greet him after spying him through the windows.

“No words. No names. “I’ll not tempt fate.” They are both as nervous as each other, I don't blame them. Nice line.

The way you write that bit about their past is very elegant. A summertime hue fills my mind as I picture the couple carving their love onto the windmill. Perfection.

“Days passed and past words haunted me. “Does God not care, after the years I’ve bowed my head to Him?” she’d asked after the first time. “How cruel.”” As the big day draws near his nervousness threatens to overwhelm him, images of the previous lament plague his mind. I don;t blame him for not wanting to hear her despair like that again.

Despite all their hope, Alife is stillborn. Tragic, the way you write really conveys the torment they experience.

The final paragraph was a shock. I should have seen it coming but the love you showed the couple having for one another lead me to believe she would never leave him. For him to find that she made the swing in the beech tree after all (though not via conventional means) was a near tear jerker. 

I can't really pick fault with this story. Once again we find a masterful use of English to convey a story that has probably happened hundreds of times before. No mystery, no twist... just raw emotion. Well written, full of clear images. 

Nice.

19.5/20

----

Chris Miller,

Um... what do I say? Is this fiction? Is this fact? It's not a story... or is it? To verify the information here would take me the best part of a month, so I have no way of telling if this is made up or based on fact. You've got me stumped on this one but after much thought I'm sorry to say that while it was an interesting read, very well written and while I do agree with everything you say... this ticks no boxes for a fiction competition. 

I still love you though!

11.5/20 (Points awarded for clarity and interest factor. Points deducted due to the lack of an actual plot!)

----

Chaeronia,

OK, I've read this story several times and I've come to the conclusion that it's set in the future and the character (John) is in some sort of virtual reality tank trying to relive the experience of his lost family... Am I right? I hope so because this review is based on that assumption. If I'm wrong then I'm afraid I have no idea what your story is about!

We start by looking at the perfect family picture. A newborn has arrived and John is cooing over it as all new dads do. His other half is engaging in playful banter with the occasional high velocity projectile cushion. “I'm seen and raised by her uncanny ability with soft furnishings.” This line could use a little work, something about it doesn't quite make sense to me.

“I've found a curious sadism comes with being a parent. I shouldn't want to prolong her concern, but I put that sad-clown face back on and make a pathetic keening sound.” Hah! Who hasn't done this before only to find that the baby ends up screaming the house down! Liked this line, very vivid.

We get to the paragraph in brackets and this is what leads me to believe it's set in the future. I think this is a glimpse where whatever Virtual Reality type machine he is in is malfunctioning. He thinks his time in the machine is up and pleads for more time. Some technical jargon follows and we are straight back into the VR world where his happy little life continues. 

Once again the machine brings him back to the waking world. He starts lashing out and is eventually calmed by the technicians threat of banning him from the facility. This subdues him knowing that he would never be able to cope not seeing his family again. He is addicted to the experience the VR machine gives him.

The technician apologises for the rough landing back into the real world and hands him back the shoes that John had given them. I assume they were the real baby shoes of his lost family that they used to create a realistic VR version. 

Overall quite a confusing read! I got the point eventually I think, but I feel you need to be a little clearer that there is in fact two separate events going on. Perhaps hint that everything in the VR seems too perfect. That he knows his time is limited. I say this as I had to read it several times to realise that the bits in brackets were separate to the events going on in the rest of the story.

An interesting concept nonetheless!

16.5/20

----

Nikevious,

Straight to the point with the first paragraph. We see that the character is grieving for the loss of a child, only to have it rubbed in her face by the sound of children’s laughter coming through the window.

In the second paragraph it seems that the father of the child has also gone. One of two scenarios present themselves here; either he took the child and left her. Or everyone was involved in an accident, killing the unborn child and the father. It was nice to see you left it up the the readers imagination to fill in the blanks. I like to be left guessing on occasion, not too often though. Either way it all gets too much and she injures herself during an emotional outburst.

An idea strikes and she goes about painting a sign from the blood of her own cheek. I thought it was nice that you referred to the blood as 'paint' showing the characters obvious lack of grip on reality.

After spending a small amount of time arranging items the character steps back to admire her handiwork. The full horror of the scene reveals itself. It's at this point I realise she intends to kill herself... otherwise this is pure attention seeking. She refers to it as a masterpiece. Twice she has used art vernacular, this leads me to believe she is an artist by trade. A fitting memorial then for her loss. Clearly she is contented by her creation, feeling it does her grief justice. Then it all ends.

In a word? Depressing! It was a well written story but I felt it could have used a bit more time showing the anguish the character felt. The only real insight to her pain is in the first paragraph, the rest of the story is spent showing her collecting items for a piece of art. Yes the artwork speaks volumes, but there are only a few subtle hints to her fragile state of mind. 

A good effort!

16.5/20

----

BabaYaga,

I find myself unable to make many comments on the story. This is in no way a bad thing, but not a lot of stuff happens before the shocking end, which I guess makes it all the more powerful! In the first paragraph there is at last two grammatical errors that I spotted. “Sitting in the backseat” should be “Sitting on the backseat” and “Moon that hang heavily” should be “Moon that hung heavily”. My spell check is also querying backseat as a single word... it's saying it should be two but I never really know how much I should trust it.

The second paragraph is fine only I felt the last sentence could have been constructed with less commas in! E.g: “Arriving at the closed door to her room, Herbert took a deep breath in an effort to steady his nerves. Finally turning the handle, he steps in.”

I liked the humour in the next paragraph! I myself have been in a situation where I bought a gift for someone only to have it dwarfed by rival pressies! The fact the flowers themselves felt they weren’t living up to expectations was very apt! Made me chuckle.

Some nice believable dialogue follows, ending on the pivotal ““Is she mine?””. My first thought here was the baby would show obvious signs of not being his. I read on eagerly to find out what tell tale signs would confirm his suspicions!

“The infant reached a single, softly scaled tentacle towards Herbert.”. wtf?

“He gently wrapped it around his index finger and smiled broadly at his daughter”. WTF??

““I guess we won’t be needing these anymore.”” DUDE! The chick's an alien!!

I struggled to find much to comment on with this story as it all flowed nicely. All I could do was sit back and enjoy the story for what it is! A very creative use of imagination which took me completely unawares! If I had to get picky I would ask for a little more excitement leading up to the finale. Maybe drop in a few misleading clues so that the end comes as an even bigger shock. Technically the story goes over the word count by a fraction but I won't tell if you won't.

Well done!

18/20

----

Euripides,

I don't like giving negative feedback but you said yourself that the piece could use more work. You weren't wrong I'm afraid! The story itself was fun and entertaining and I sympathised with the character as I too procrastinate as much as possible. I type this fully aware that I'm 24 hours away from the closing date of the competition and still have 10 entries to judge! I jest of course, I carefully dedicated lots of time to each story * cough! *

In your first paragraph you repeated a word twice, this might sound petty but if you read it aloud to yourself you will see how it breaks the flow of the story. To avoid this I would maybe change the second 'diligent' to the word 'careful'. To be honest, and I'm not trying to be a meanie poop here, everything up until the last line of the second paragraph is worthless to the story. The second paragraph shows some weird obsession over sauerkraut. Don't really get how this is important to the story. * Boggle * 

OK, last line of paragraph three and we are getting somewhere! A bit of mystery! I like where the story goes from here! I also like Janice's initial reaction to discovering a little man under her desk. I think the first thing most of us would do is have a quick check around us to make sure no one has witnessed the temporary moment of insanity!

I'm a stickler for the details, with this in mind I picked out this: “and I think I’m going through caffeine withdrawal.”. For someone who isn't sleeping well and trying to work to a deadline, I think it would be more likely that she would be whizzing her nipples off on the caffeine. 

“Do you need any help?” Loved it! How do you cope with a situation that goes against all logic? Roll with it until you understand what's going on!

Everything is going well from now, I liked how Janice is still just trying to make sense of the situation and playing along... what else could she do at this point? My next observation is: “they were held together as a pair with a tag that read ‘For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn’”. Remember, this was only a prompt. There was no need to use the exact wording. As the shoes were a gift from a little dusty desk leprechaun the label would have made more sense if it read; “Baby shoes, never worn.” or even “Congratulations!”. 

“Oh my god, I'm late!” Ha! Strong line to finish on, reaffirming that the character is a massive procrastinator in every aspect of her life and also that the penny has dropped!

A very good effort but a few issues which will only get better with practise! Another story that technically goes over the word count... Hey, If I can't catch people out on their spelling I can catch 'em out on everything else!

15.5/20

----

Forceflow,

This is one of those stories that go over my head. I'm a simple sort of chap and I struggle to see hidden meanings in works of fiction. However that's not to say I didn't enjoy it. 

In the beginning I was right there with the character and pretty much shouting at the screen for him to run away from the flames or shout for help or something other than gawk at some numpty in a burning cottage. When the curator snapped the character out of his trance it also brought me out too! It was a very clever way to show the character admiring a piece of art and the transition from the painting to the 'real world' was seamless. Your descriptions of the painting itself were very vivid.

I wondered what the point of the deities are. I'm not very good when it comes to appreciating or understanding art. My opinion of the Mona Lisa, for example, is just a picture of a girl who isn't all that good looking. So it's understandable I don't get the connection to the deities in your painting with the story. 

My next point of confusion was: 

““What about the fire?”

“The fire?” he repeated.

“Three shades,” I elaborated.”

Does the curator not see the fire in the painting? Then to have it elaborated with 'Three shades' isn't much of an elaboration in my mind. Again I'm wondering how this is crucial to the plot. 

You finish your story with the character knowing something others don't. The title to the picture. My first instincts were to assume that the character was indeed the artist... but then I remembered he was found dead. So I can only assume from this that the character has suffered a similar tragedy to be able to connect with the painting so well. 

Sanity’s Last Laugh. Would you be so kind as to PM me with why the painting is called this? I mean no disrespect, but the meaning is buried too deeply for me to dig it out.

OK, my honest summery is this was well written! I didn't understand a word of it but I think this is simply because you're cleverer than me. However, the bits I did understand were clear and crisp and I was able to picture everything you described. You painted that picture perfectly without lifting a paint brush! Very nice. 

17/20

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Lcg,

The story strikes a chord with me due to the alcohol addiction. I don't think I'm quite there yet but you describe perfectly how a person who is battling with alcoholism might think. “She still craved her beer.” An addiction is something that never goes away. No matter how long you stop for, you will always want to go back. 

“She wanted to live again.” Being drunk a lot does indeed feel like death, you're too tired or pissed to get up and do anything worthwhile. It is like being bed bound, you get a few hours in the morning of being able to function like a normal person, but then you hit the drink and the desire to do anything productive dies off. This was a good line, very real. 

“De-addiction centre.” I think Rehab Clinic would have been a better term to use here. 

“Afriad of rejection and pity.” Again, very real, you dare not open up to anyone about it in case they either think you're weak or they just go overboard with pity which usually just depresses you and then you hit the drink again! Overall a good opening paragraph, there are a few grammatical issues, such as “She still craved her beer sometimes(insert a comma) but (Insert the word 'the') doctor said it was normal.” and “during (insert the word 'the') hateful drinking period”. Throughout the whole story there are a number of issues similar to those I have given as examples, something to watch out for.

When Lucy goes into the shop her best friend owns, she spots the shelf full of baby shoes and Lucy immediately thinks the worst, her friends baby didn't make it. You used, “renewing her thirst for alcohol.” as I said above, the craving is always with you waiting to pounce. Good job on remembering to enforce her addiction.

We meet a young girl in the shop, but I'm sorry to say that her dialogue doesn't fit that of a seven year old. “Do you want to purchase these shoes?” would sound more realistic as “Wanna buy 'em? I'll get me mum!”

As the girl is of advanced age compared to what Lucy expected her friends child to be, she automatically assumes that her friend took her own life due to the grief of loosing her child. Again the child uses dialogue that doesn’t really fit, “Mom, make haste!” this sort of language might have been used in Victorian times, but for the day and age your story is set it doesn't work.

The mother comes out from behind scenes and after some confusion it is revealed that Lucy's friend is alive and well, and that they adopted a seven year old which is why the shoes are for sale (they don't fit). Lucy is then able to weep with happiness that everything has worked out, the desire for her drink subsides as the natural high takes over.

A good read, parts were unrealistic but some of the bigger plot elements were spot on! A number of issues with the grammar and dialogue unfortunately lets the story down somewhat. With work this could be a powerful story.

16.5/20

----

Rubisco,

We start off seeing the character admiring his recent purchase, a pair of new baby shoes for his daughter. “They jumbled around in my brown shopping bag like a new puppy as I walked into the parking lot.” this sentence could use a little work, the simile is a little unrealistic as it would take a lot of up and down movement for the shoes to bounce around in the bag the way you describe. More likely they would just settle into place amongst the rest of the days purchases.

He goes on to think fondly of his family and hopes no harm ever befalls them. There is a slight issue with the last line of the second paragraph, not sure what to call it; tense; grammar etc. “I adjusted my polo shirt that was tucked into my khaki shorts as I saw my car in the distance.” It looks a little wrong to me, I think it's the “as” part. Perhaps; “I adjusted my polo shirt that was tucked into my khaki shorts and made for my car in the distance.”

He spots someone he knows from his past that he wasn't expecting to see. His old friend didn't return his friendly gesture and I cringe inwardly as you use the term “All of a sudden”. I'm sorry but I hate hate hate this term! Anything like “Then suddenly; all of a sudden” etc does something inside my head which results in my brains leaking out of my ears. A simple change, perhaps “Without warning” would sound much better.

A fight scene takes place and I found it all very amusing! It becomes apparent that close combat fighting isn't something strange to the character but the fact he decided to fight with a pair of baby shoes instead of say, his fists, tickled me. The one issue for me during the fight scene was; “My training kicked in”. It seems to me that these men are/were part of a crime syndicate, goons like this don't really get training as such, just experience. 

The scene ends with the main character as the victor and in a comical middle finger to anyone who dares oppose him, he puts the ruined shoes up for sale. 

At first I thought this was going to be a bit of a dull read, but it quickly got entertaining and made me smile in a few places. Be wary of trying to describe too much in the unimportant bits “I adjusted my polo shirt that was tucked into my khaki shorts” for example, I don't really understand how this is at all important to the story and with the brevity of a short story, character descriptions could be left out for something more important... unless the description itself is important somehow.

Some entertaining aspects but could use some work in places. Good effort!

16/20

----

 Bazz Cargo,

“Boom boom!” says Basil Fox. 

No score for groan worthy jokes!

----

Candid Petunia,

Some shady dealing to begin with. It's typical of someone who resorts to tricky himself to feel suspicious. Much like how a jealous spouse is only jealous as he or she has strayed themselves. I like the way you just give us the characters name outright. Often I see people trying to reveal a characters name through dialogue assuming that the reader should only find it out as a third party would.

“Shoes were shoes after all” Everyone rejoice! I have here a female author who thinks the same way as a man! So we have a plot element emerge, two shady people doing business. You go on to reveal to Viktor (and the reader) that the shoes were in fact made of crystal for a doll. You used some good description and left me wanting my own little lilac shoe. The only issue for me was when you used “the shoe seemed to be beckoning to him.” It was either beckoning or it wasn't. Don't loose your nerve when getting straight to the point, you're doing so well! I would consider replacing this with something like: “the shoe resonated with his desires for material possessions” or “The shoe's beauty caused him to move in for a closer look.”... something like that anyway. 

We move on to witness Jeremy realise he has already hooked the potential punter, any good sales person knows when it's a sure thing which you prove with “ He knew he had already won” You then explain why Viktor is so interested in the shoe, he had crystal dolls at home which would benefit from them. An interesting image, I've never come across a crystal doll before, the idea gives me pause for thought and a quick google search! This is a good thing as it shows I'm engaged with your story.

“Still not daring to take his eyes off the shoe lest it might disappear,” as is the way with everyone when they spot something of value. Good line though I would be tempted to drop the words 'still' and 'might', gives the sentence a bit more punch. When writing fiction less is, quite often, more.

“he didn’t protest for fear Jeremy might withdraw the deal.” Again we have all been here. Not quibbling over price in case we alienate the seller or worse, cause the price to go up!

“After Viktor left (feeling a lot richer by the shoes he had just bought)” I like the way you show that Viktor finds his riches in items rather than money. Often I walk away from a deal feeling like I've been ripped off, but Viktor is just happy to have made the purchase. Quaint. 

““The pairs of shoes have now been sold and I’ve made double the amount. We have to make another disappearance tonight.”” Get that poetry head off your shoulders! “The pairs of shoes have now been sold” is something we already know (as does the manservant) so there is no need to tell us again. This whole sentence would have more impact as just “We have to make another disappearance tonight.” As it makes the reader question his motives. 

“When Viktor unwrapped the box in his house that night, he let a cry of surprise. There in the box before him lay the six crystal baby shoes he had asked for, all of them unpaired.” As far as final paragraphs go... this was quite confusing. No offence! Was his cry of surprise because the shoes were what he asked for? Why does Jeremy need to disappear if Viktor got what he wanted? But the shoes were unpaired... does that mean he didn't get what he wanted? But if you're going to screw someone over like that why not just put a brick in the box rather than give him half of what he asked for? Unless this is a tactic to make Viktor come back, forcing him to buy the matching pairs at inflated prices... but it can't be that as Jeremy has buggered off. So basically what I'm asking is... what have I missed?

Overall some good imagery, I like to see two pros battle it out. It could have used a little more trickery I feel... good effort mostly as I know how difficult you find writing fiction. With practice you can stop that poetry nonsense and focus on some real writing! (Glances round for a hoard of angry poets) As I said above, the last paragraph raises too many questions for the story to be finished. I've probably just missed the point though.

16.5/20

----

Fire525,

First two paragraphs sets the scene. Nothing out of the ordinary, just an undercover agent surveying a shop. Paragraphs give us enough information without over doing it, believable dialogue. No issues, well done. 

The peace is shattered when an assailant steps into the shop, Smith obviously recognises the danger and takes cover before being shot. You use clear description here to show the minds eye what's going on. It's nice an basic with no frilly bits so I got a clear picture of Smith checking round the shelves. The only little sticking point was “tinkled as somebody stepped into the shop.” I might be tempted to drop 'as' for the word 'and' or even just a comma.

“Tossing his gun aside,” This is where the story starts to get wobbly. The mantra “This is my rifle! Without my rifle I am useless!” springs to mind. Would an agent really be so quick to throw his weapon away?

After Smith deals with his attacker he turns to find that his Intel on the shopkeeper is false. The shopkeeper says “Die” (The comma goes inside the speech bubbles. Would be tempted to change it for an exclamation mark in any case.). From this point on the story takes a comical aspect and it literally had me giggling. “Die” was just pure cheese!

“His gaze alighted on the pair of baby shoes” A second story to use the baby shoes as a weapon, what's going on?! 

“narrowly avoiding the shopkeeper’s knife” is this the same knife that the shopkeeper already threw at him? Slight discrepancy here methinks.

“he swung his improvised flail at the shopkeeper.” The images going through my mind right now have me in stitches. A trained professional using a pair of baby shoes as nunchucks. 

“brief look of surprise” This would probably be my reaction too.

“ knocking him to the ground” Slightly unrealistic, more likely they would just bounce off his forehead leaving the two men in embarrassed silence. As far as weapons go they are pretty crap. Seriously, I dare you to try bludgeoning someone to death with a pair of baby shoes, I recommend you reserve most of the day for the task. 

“Throwing them aside, he pulled a pair of sunglasses from his coat then glanced at the shopkeeper’s body. “Looks like your baby shoes... just got used”. He donned the sunglasses then strode from the shop.” Class! I would probably drop the final sentence as it doesn't really make much sense. Who was doing the screaming? 

Overall a fun read, starts off being somewhat serious then spirals into comedy. One or two issues with being realistic but was a fun ride.

17/20


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## Jon M (May 11, 2012)

Okay, that's kind of a ridiculous amount of words up there. Thanks to the judges for the thoughtful critiques, and for the time and effort you must have put into writing up those beasts. Much appreciated. Congrats to the winners, too -- Terry, Bliston, Kyle, & Baba.


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## Forceflow (May 11, 2012)

I was actually under the impression that baby shoes are not exactly the first things on the shopping list when someone is pregnant, since they don't actually wear shoes until they start walking, and usually not even then :\  But maybe I'm wrong.

@Bruno: I actually had a separate ending for this but it became far too linear. Originally the painting depicted the lost years of the relationship between father and son with each 'item' symbolizing each year (shoes--> fishing rod). The torn cottage is the broken home/family. But the fire is ambiguous.  The torch could be how he see's his life, slowly ebbing away. It could also be he is trying to burn through the vines holding him. The forest fire could be burning his current relationships in life or his future. Then the blue flame. Is it salvation? He draws deities in that colour. So could he be depicting his wife? But wait, he draws angel's with demon faces? Maybe it's not his salvation but his doom? Maybe he blames his wife and not himself? Even I don't know, I don't usually do this kind of stuff.

@Gamer: I left one obvious error MS word picked up in the curator's speech. Although I agree some of it still doesn't quite flow as smoothly as I would like, I didn't see any other actual errors :\


@Bazz: Of course I came back. The last one was the first ever piece I wrote with such restrictive word count. I like the exercise, so hopefully I get much better in the future  

@Potty:  You caught me. I didn't plan that ending. It sort of crept up on me as 'better than the original one' and 'why don't I give this a go instead' sort of thing. 'Sanity's Last Laugh' was written in there with the intention to spark questions and a re-read with a different mind set. The primary questions being. Is the artist was alive? If so then a) why did he fake his death b) why did he come back. I tried to draw similarities between the man in the picture and the narrator through the wine in their hands. I removed the part where the curator talked about a mountain of debt to be paid off with the proceeds of the painting because that would almost confirm that the artist was indeed alive. Maybe he isn't, and the narrator is just an empathetic soul. Who knows? It drove me insane 


Thanks again to all the judges for the comments and constructive feedback.


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## Kyle R (May 11, 2012)

_"And the Gold Medal goes to... Terrrrry D!"

The crowd erupts in a thundering roar. Scores of screaming young girls faint and collapse to the floor and have to be carried away on stretchers.

"Winning the Silver Medal... Bilstonnnnn Blue!"

Flash bulbs sparkle, the floor rumbles, the cheers are deafening, security has to hold back the ravenous fans.

"And taking home the Bronze Medal... Babu.. Beeba.. Yu.. .. Buya..bing.. .. The author of 'If the Shoe Won't Fit'!"

Flags wave, people jump up and down, fireworks explode in the air, faces glisten with happy tears.
_
Congrats! Nicely done. 

I appreciate third place! It's very encouraging to try something different and not have people throw rotten tomatoes at me. I thought all the entries were fantastic. I pitied the judges for having the tough task of sorting the wheat from the chaff when everything presented was lip-smackingly wheaty.

*Bruno *- I'm glad Abby worked for you as a character. She was pretty demanding, and would have kicked me in the shin if I had written her wrong. So my hand was forced. Sorry the structure didn't work for you. I intentionally wanted to confuse the reader, to scatter everything in past and present, to force a re-reading or two. I wanted the reader to "work for it", to put the pieces together, but I recognize not everyone likes to be forced into labor. Something to learn from, for me! Thank you, also, for the insightful review, nitpicks and suggestions. I very much enjoyed the poetic and analogous manner with which you view the craft of fiction. You read like a true writer. Cheers!

*Gamer *- I'm pleased you found this a touching story. I did see my "pale/pail" mistypes after posting, but it was too late by then to correct it, so I did my best to say "Oh, well!" even though it grated on me like seeing a leaky faucet and not being allowed to turn it off.  I apologize for the structure confusing you.. That was actually my intention, though I had hoped the confusion would make it feel more "rewarding" after re-reading, once the pieces came together. I was pleased to see you easily (maybe too easily?) grasped the chronology of the story, even though I chopped it up like a jigsaw puzzle and did my best to hide it. Perhaps I should avoid confusing the reader from now on, something for me to work on. Sometimes I get excited by a technique and overuse it.

I'm glad you asked about the image in the tree. That was a vision Edwin was having of his subconscious fear.. of his daughter growing up and leaving him. It was meant to be after her mud-kicking tantrum, where he sagged his shoulders and gave her the two dollars to get her ice cream. He had been trying to bond with her, but she instead got upset and wanted to leave.. so the woman in the tree, with the cherry-blonde hair (Janie brushes Abby's orange hair..) who smiled and then scampered away, was a visual depiction of him thinking his daughter is already growing up and moving away from him. I know that was really veiled, and not clear at all.. I just didn't have much space to build upon it. But I'm very glad that at least you recognized it as being something significant, even though I didn't succeed in conveying what it actually was.

I like your interpretation of the ending, and of the message. You put it very eloquently and even though I wrote the story, you still made me ponder it in a new light. Thanks for that.

Great review, thanks for reading! Cheers!

*Bazz -* I'm sorry you struggled with this in the beginning, but it makes me happy that it all came together for you in the end. That's the effect I was hoping for! Thanks for reading and your encouraging review. Your no-nonsense feedback is always terrific. *Hands you a tissue* Cheers!

*Potty *- I'm enjoying your reviewing style, it shows the mental steps you went through while reading. It's very enlightening.

Like Gamer, I apologize to you for confusing you with the image of the woman in the tree. This was meant to be Edwin's subconscious fear of his daughter, Abby, growing up and leaving him. It happens after her mud-kicking tantrum, which Edwin had hoped to be a father-daughter bonding moment. Instead Abby got upset, leaving Edwin, with sagging shoulders, feeling a bit like a failure as a father. The woman in the tree, smiling with cherry-blonde hair and turning and scampering away, was his projection of her all grown up and leaving him. Even though she's just a little girl this was meant to show him already thinking that she's pulling away.

Hopefully that makes sense now. Since I have to explain it, that means I didn't execute it as well as I should have. Something for me to work on. 

Your puzzlement of the tree(s) was because that was the general theme of the piece.. Trees, growing.. growing up.. moving away.. or never growing up at all, in the case of Abby's unborn brother. It all kind of jumbled together into one confusing mess! lol.

Janie, the mother, was meant to be drinking on the bed, not while pregnant, but after the miscarriage. She was also crying, depicted by the sound of her sniffing.. trying to find solace in the empty embrace of alcohol.

And the melody tinkling down the street was the Ice Cream truck. "Huffing and flailing" was Abby running after the truck, in her typical tiny-kid way, with the two dollars her father had just sadly given her. Then she passed by a yard-sale on a house front lawn, and saw the tiny shoes on a card table facing the street.

Hope that clears up any of the left-over confusion. I'm glad the story worked for you otherwise! It's a huge compliment to read that it brought out some emotion.

Many thanks for the great reviews from each of the judges! I'm astonished at how much work you guys had to do. Whew!


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## Fire525 (May 11, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners. And thank you to the judges for your comments, I'll try to incorporate your advice .


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## Kyle R (May 11, 2012)

Potty said:
			
		

> my netbook is freaking out at the size of this!



That's what she said!


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## garza (May 11, 2012)

Kyle - That's _my_ line.

Bruno Spatola - Thanks for seeing the picture as I intended. In your comments you touched on the major problem I have trying to write fiction. You say the story is '...almost as if written in a newspaper article - clear and to-the-point, but without colour'. Exactly. For over half a century I was principally a newspaper and magazine article writer. Even the Big Slicks, while wanting some colour, don't want too much, or didn't in my day. And you are correct to say 'ten-year-olds' ought to be hphenated. I don't know how I missed that. Also, Jason's mother should have seen the grass stain before asking the question. 

Gamer 2k4 - 'Twould be good if you could point to the grammatical issues you see. I've gone back through the story and can't find any problems other than one obvious typo. Thanks for seeing the setting through mostly dialogue. That's what I aim for in most of the attempts at fiction I make. I enjoy writing dialogue. 

Bazz cargo - Thank you very much for your comments and scoring. There is one typo, which I spotted after I posted. I did go back for a brief edit, but not to fix any part of the writing but only to correct a stray line space that somehow crept in. The family is called Harrison in the work-in-progress _Seven Miles on a Dirt Road_. There are numerous references because the Harrison place is about halfway between town and the community of Seven Mile. Thus characters tend to relate location by references such as 'above the Harrison's' or 'below the Harrison's. I've not decided whether this story will become part of the larger work or not. I wrote another story called  'Baby Shoes' that I posted in fiction while the prompt debate was still underway for this round. It is, I believe, a better story.

Potty - Many thanks for your comments. Everyone, I think, assumes a tragedy behind those six words. The version I posted in Fiction is sad, but not tragic. This was my second try with the prompt, much lighter, perhaps too light. Much of the dialogue is wrong for ten-year-olds. 'The dog don't care' is perhaps the best line in the story - pure rural Mississippi. I try for a balance between school-room English and school-yard English. I rushed this one, and didn't hit all the notes right. While nicknames are commonly given to children in the South, some parents refuse to use them. Thus while the entire community might know Jason as J.J., his mother might know him only as Jason. Repeating the 'aunt-uncle' joke was wrong, but I needed something to justify Jason's laughter. Had I spent a bit more time perhaps I could have come up with a better line.

To all the judges, thank you very much for your comments. 

And to Potty -  Our collective and sincere gratitude for getting it all together and 'on the wire'. Well played, sir, well played. Have you given thought to my 'wheels' suggestion?

Like a Fox - Glad to hear from you and know there was no serious problem.


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## Potty (May 11, 2012)

Thank you to Kyle for correcting my math on the results. The winners remain unchanged  Appreciate the heads up.


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## Tiamat (May 11, 2012)

Wow, just reading all the scores was a chore, so I can only imagine how the judging went!  Much thanks and appreciation for our four judges who were completely swamped by the sheer number of entries (which, frankly, is freaking awesome)!  And congratulations, also, to the winners.  It was well earned.  There were a lot of excellent stories submitted this time around and even I couldn't pick a favorite.  Thanks again, judges!  And congrats again, winners!


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## lcg (May 12, 2012)

Wow..you judges had a lot of work here....Thank you so much for all the constructive criticism...

@Bruno - Thank you for your review. I am very new to writing. And this was my second short story till date. So I am not yet well aware about the fleshing of story in the word limit. As for grammar and punctuation, I realize I made many errors. Thank you.

@Gamer2k4 - I am glad you enjoyed the idea. I will work on those technical shortcomings to improve myself. Thank you for taking out reading and judging it.

@Bazz Cargo -  Thank you so much for liking the story. 

@Potty- Thank you. I understand that I have made many grammatical mistakes. I will work on the same. As far as seven year old girl's dialogue is concerned, may be you are right. I forgot to shift into a child's mind frame.



Congratulations to all the winners.


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## Chaeronia (May 12, 2012)

Many thanks to the judges, in particular to Bruno who seems to have gone through some kind of purgatory to make sense of it all.  Thank you for your effort and kind words; I think they've made my day.  And, yes, your interpretation is spot on.  Gamer, I'm sorry it didn't resonate with you.  I will now hunt you down armed with nothing but sharpened twigs and camouflage cream.

I don't understand where I've dropped points on grammar, so, time permitting, it would be great to have that elucidated.  

And, of course, congrats to the worthy victors.


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## Bilston Blue (May 12, 2012)

Congratulations to Terry D and Kyle and BabyYaga. Well done everyone else on your entries. And thanks as always to all the judges for your time and effort on these. 

Of those I read I particularly liked Garza's.


Bruno: thanks for your thoughts and observations and kind words. Most of the fiction I enjoy is based either loosely or largely on reality, and this story was inspired by a combination of two or three events or sequences of events. I’m glad I took you to the heart of darkness, I think that was my aim. I tried to juxtapose beauty and horror in this, the challenge was that it was such a short piece.

Gamer: so glad you liked the final scene. The poeticism you refer to is something I noticed after writing. There are rhymes in there which were unintentional, but after reading back I quite liked them. I found that in other stories too. One of the best comp entries you’ve read so far… wow! Big thanks.

Bazz: inside my head is a strange and sometimes darkened place, you’re welcome there anytime, though I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve missed you, mate. Must catch up soon.

Potty: I’m so glad you enjoyed what was essentially a dark, horrid story. Your final sentence pretty much sums up where I was aiming for. Thanks for the critique, more than I was expecting, so thanks for the time you spent on this.


Nobody spotted the blatant nod to Hemingway. At least none of the judges did. I was hoping it might get me an extra half a mark.  :-#


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## Chris Miller (May 12, 2012)

A herculean effort on the judges' part. Much appreciated.

Bruno - While fiction can be heavily mired in research and "reality," I probably did cross a line here and you were fair not to score.

Gamer - Interesting arguments. DeGroot would probably be pleased you like his forgery.

Bazz - Thanks for the generous review. And the nits! Sharp eye. Makes it all worthwhile.

Potty - The intended fictional element was supposed to be the few original several-word stories embedded, especially the closing one. The rest is, yes, research (though hardly a month's worth). But clearly it doesn't fit contest's parameters. I still love you, too.

Congrats to the winners. This competition is tougher than I remember.


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## Gamer_2k4 (May 12, 2012)

Except for Forceflow (who has a full inbox and can't receive PMs), I've PMed everyone who asked about the grammar errors I found in their pieces.  Yes, I'm very hard on grammar (only four people got above a 3), and my scores were consistently lower for everyone as a result.  But hey, perfection should be impossible, right?


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## Terry D (May 12, 2012)

Sorry it's taken me so long to get this posted.  I read the results last night on my Kindle Fire, but writing a response on that is nearly impossible.  First off, I want to thank the judges -- what a great job you all did giving all of our entries so much effort and thought.  What a daunting task, but one you handled exceptionally well.

The competition was unbelievable, all 18 stories -- congratulations to Bilston Blue, Kyle, and Baba Yaga I loved all your stories and I'm humbled to be on the same list as you.  

I also want to thank everyone for their kind words about 'The Price' I'm truly happy you enjoyed it.  I actually started writing it before we had decided to go with the baby shoes theme over the pawnshop theme, both struck a chord with me, so I intertwined them.  I was trying to channel Ray Bradbury with this one, attempting to use the pawnshop the way Ray has used county fairs in so many of his stories.  The pawnshop and its owners will be in more stories I'm sure.  I see this particular shop as one where desperate people go looking for one thing, but end up with something far different.  It has endless possibilities.

@Bruno -- I know it's a bit illogical to pawn a pair of baby shoes, but I wanted to make this pawnshop a place where damaged people 'end up' rather than a place they choose to go (if that makes any sense?).  I wanted a touch of the surreal.  I tried to give an impression that Shawn has been a bit fractured by his grief and anger, that's why his attention skipped around some.  The final line -- "She's not talkin' to me." -- was part of my attempt at that surrealness.  I was hoping to show that the old woman in the back had been talking to Shawn all along and knew just how much he had given up.

@Gamer -- I'm glad you approached the judging with a tough attitude, it makes your score all the more valuable to me.  Again, I'm happy the story worked for you.  I'd rather one of my stories work on an emotional level than a technical one.

@Bazz Cargo -- Bleak is what I was looking for.  In my mind this pawnshop will act like an 'mood ring' (remember those?) mirroring the emotional state of anyone who walks through the door.  I've gotta work on those cardboard characters though . . .

@Potty -- I think pawnshops in the US can be licensed to buy and sell guns (at least they use to be), but I'll check and if I find differently it will be an easy edit.  When I wrote, "eyes the color of rain" I wanted it to create a bit of mystery about the woman -- that and I really liked the phrase when it popped into my head.   When someone tells me they got goose-pimples from one of my stories it makes my day -- thanks.


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## bazz cargo (May 12, 2012)

A massive set of congratulations to:
 Terry D In first place with "The Price" 
Bilston Blue in second with "Through French Windows"
And a tie for third place between KyleColorado with "Tall as the Sky" and BabaYaga with "If the Shoe Won't Fit.
 All of you who entered deserve a round of applause. I had a ball reading all the stories.  


  A big thank you to Gamer 2k4 for the prompt.
 Another big thank you to Potty for the work he put in.


 Sorry Bils, I only ever read one Hemingway story, Me Philistine.   


 I sweated blood over my entry and got my backside kicked. Boo hoo...


 One teeny point, I don't think baby shoes have laces and if they did the length would be so small it would be useless as a garrotte. As a weapon they'd be rubbish.  And I hereby claim any and all rights to Kung shoe.


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## Potty (May 12, 2012)

bazz cargo said:


> Kung shoe.



*Shakes head with disaproval*


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## Jon M (May 12, 2012)

Potty's critique said:
			
		

> Ho ho! I wondered when I would come across some artsy fartsy writing!


Yes, yes. Happy to fill the artsy-fartsy niche. 

And you were right on -- the 'watery, glass-like' bit was just my roundabout way of saying she was teary-eyed.


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## helium (May 13, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners and the participants. It was interesting to read the variety of works on the topic.
 And thank you judges for all your in depth critiques! I am very encouraged by the honest comments and scores. I will keep them for reference to improve myself.


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## BabaYaga (May 14, 2012)

Well done Terry D and Bilston Blue- very deserving winners, Bilston, I found your story especially haunting. 

Much thanks as always to the judges for all of your hard work in judging- I hope to return the favour again soon. 

Bazz, I'm glad that you liked it and Bruno, thanks again for your wonderfully in-depth critique and for picking out my nits. In another life I like to imagine we're both monkeys and you're literally picking out my nits- and then I pick out yours and then we eat them. It's a beautiful bonding experience... anyway...

Gamer, I'm sorry that you felt let down by the conclusion of the story. But I really wanted to avoid writing a sad baby story and, after reading some of the other, more adventurous entries, I was personally a little disappointed that I hadn't veered far enough from the topic. 

I tend to like going weird for these flashes, but I am working on a more serious piece, which I'll post to the Workshop (just as soon as I've edited out the sentient plants and pole-dancing witches) if you're ever keen to try read the hell out of that 

Thanks again to all for what has become a major bi-monthly highlight for me!


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## Bruno Spatola (May 14, 2012)

*ForceFlow*: Thanks for the in-depth reply. I don't analyse stories _quite_ that deeply, but I can see a lot of those subtle nods upon reading through it again. I'm not brave enough to fill in others' stories with my own conjecture :dejection:. Loved your entry though, cheers. 

*KyleColorado*: I take that as a wonderful compliment. Thanks for understanding where I was coming from regarding the structuring, too. I'm pleased your story made the top three -- it deserved it .  

*Garza*: I can see how your line of work influences your fictional writing. I wouldn't say it is a negative thing at all, though; it's not necessary to embellish everything like a lot of writers do (as I'm sure you know), and the dialogue -- which you have an obvious talent for -- told the story as well as any metaphor or simile could, I think. Thanks for clearing some things up for me, I appreciate it!

*lcg*: You're welcome, and thank you for the thank you!

*Chaeronia:* So relieved I got it right. I did indeed traverse through purgatory to shed light on things; I'm still panel-beating my face out of its contorted grimace, but it was worth it. _Definitely_ my favourite entry, thanks again!

*Bilston Blue:* I'm glad you're glad you stained my heart. I'm sure you can do it at will -- a disturbing talent, but a talent nonetheless. Cheers!

*Chris Miller:* Thanks for being so understanding. If it were another competition, I'd have given it 20/20, easily. .

*Terry D:* Thanks for clearing it up, although I guessed that much. A well-deserved win, congrats! 

*BabaYaga:* Haha, you're very welcome. I love you too . . . mother :alien:. Third place, eh? Congratulations.


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## TheFuhrer02 (May 23, 2012)

Congratulations to all the winners! All great entries! :thumbl:


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