# Beautiful



## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

Your words flicker
like nervous wings 
on a humming bird

Speedy words out
throat coated with
60mg of Dexedrine

Your nerves on skin
mouth as dry 
as cigarette ashes

Dermis disappeared 
over too many years
enemy food stabbed

Age 72, a clothes hanger
spitting out ice cubes
confused over calories

And it all began at 17
Ivory Girl Soap girl
model walking the runway

You thumb through pages
of your old portfolio
thin, plump lips, that glow

You whisper
_I’m still beautiful, you know_


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## vangoghsear (May 21, 2010)

Interesting character piece.  It reads a little choppy in places.  I don't usually recommend this, but perhaps adding a few words here and there would smooth the flow?

Example:



> Speedy words out
> from *a* throat filled (how about "coated" to carry the assonance of throat?  Also, "coated" is a throaty sounding word. "Filled" is all lips and teeth.)
> 60mg of Dexedrine


See what others think though.  Good start here.


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## Gumby (May 21, 2010)

I see exactly where you're going with this, Laurie. I agree with Van, but I know how you work by now,

I sense a few edit's coming down the pike. Look forward to seeing the finished product.   I like!


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

Thank you van and Cindy. Good points. I'll tinker around a bit...



> Also, "coated" is a throaty sounding word.


van, I just made the change. Big difference. Thanks


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## vangoghsear (May 21, 2010)

Like the edits.  That works well.


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

Well, thanks to you! "coated" does provide more assonance.

I know about this conditioin first hand. My aunt was a model and ever since, all these years, she's suffered from anorexia/bulemia.


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## JosephB (May 21, 2010)

This is very nice, Laurie. There's actually good characterization here, and I really like that. And not only a little story -- a back-story too, and in so few words. Gives it a lot of layers. A good one!


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## Gumby (May 21, 2010)

I like your end result Laurie, good work!


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## Dzhyan (May 21, 2010)

Nice piece! Few remarks: the double 'as' in the third stanza can be a good reciting reference to the ashes but can also look like an oversight; and the line 'enemy food stabbed' seems a bit out of place and without the narrative flow of the rest of the poem; and the meaning of 'spitting out ice-cubes' is a bit confusing to me. The worn-out wraith of a creature comes through very well though, the 'whisper' carries a beautiful crispness in this context!


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## Chesters Daughter (May 21, 2010)

This is excellent, Laurie. The spartan form is quite befitting considering the content. Not a single nit, but I don't get "Your nerves on skin". I'm not sure if it means she's on overdrive or if it refers to the absence of fat and muscle or something entirely different. Splain me Lucy. Fine effort, love.


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## SilverMoon (May 21, 2010)

Thanks Joe, Cindy, Dzhyan and Lisa. 

Joe, thank you for catching the layers and your appreciation of them. And that you like the characterization pleases me because I use this character to make a point about women's body issues.

Cindy, glad you liked the edit. You and van gave me some good tips.

Dzhyan, Thanks. The "as" was a hiccup! A fix.



> meaning of 'spitting out ice-cubes' is a bit confusing to me


The character is calorie conscious. I used this abstractly and as an exageration to make this point.

"Worn-out wraith". A perfect way of describing my woman!!! 

Lisa, perceptive as usual!


> The spartan form is quite befitting considering the content


 
Lucy splains...Simple. She's a speed freak. It feels like nerves are on top of your skin. Now, don't dare ask me how I know this! Speed will also keep you very thin.


> I don't get "Your nerves on skin".


 
_Thank you all for your suggestions, questions and appreciation. Laurie_


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## MaggieG (May 21, 2010)

SilverMoon said:


> Your words flicker
> like nervous wings
> on a humming bird
> 
> ...



The thought of a 72 year old anorexic intrigues me. If for no other reason they usually don't live that long. I loved the last line 



> I’m still beautiful, you know



It speaks to her need for control. ( Which my understanding is that is a big motivation for alot of'em ) 

Not a big fan of the double use of "girl" in S6. Other than that ? 

Good stuff


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## SilverMoon (May 22, 2010)

Thanks, Maggie. Took care of double use of "girl". A better read. Yes. If she were just anorexic she would not have survived this long but she was also bulemic. This duo is common with most women _and _men who have eating disorders. And yed. It's all about control.


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