# A Dreams Wish



## Pelwrath (Dec 23, 2018)

*A Dreams Wish
*
It grows from successes’ kernel,
starved by the muck saturating my soul.
Granted by powers eternal,
Firefly’s in the night, their purpose to cajole?

Prophetic scrolls, the master’s piece for sages.
Life’s cruel joke, the hedonist’s pleasure,
visible not reachable they laugh at me for ages.
My account is negative on the ledger.

Horseshoe, four-leaf clover and wishbone
Merrythoughts, these three.
At least my art strikes your funny bone.
No wishes will help, on that we do agree.

Eternal spring
Emerging from the minds fountain
It makes us think, we can be a king.
If we climb; Hope’s mountain.


As I was looking over my poem, I felt that something was missing or not said properly. I don't think that the above version doesn't say something needed just that the version below says what was closer to what I intended. I like both versions but for different reasons.


*A Dreams Wish - free style*


The kernel of successes with
powers granted by faithful Masters
and common revelers.
A Borealis in the sky, cajoling taunts extraordinaire.


Saturated souls of decomposed wanna-Be's.
Hedonist’s take pleasure in life’s cruel joke.
The Socratic toast, hemlock filled chalice,
To obedience, to death.


What use a four-leaf clover, horseshoe or wishbone?
A merrythought is free
Dream of wishes 
catchers are thieves you pay to have.


Eternal spring, recycles waters
pond of coy, mindless marvels of human reflection.
Are we a king if we think such?
Those at the mountain top say they are.

*
A Dreams Wish-revision 1 free style

**A Dreams Wish*

Success’s kernel, powers granted by faithful Masters
and common revelers.
Borealis streaks across the night sky,
cajoling taunts extraordinaire.

Saturated souls of decomposed wannabe’s
that line a most famous path.
Hedonists take pleasure in life’s cruel joke.
The Socratic toast; to obedience and to death.

What uses for a four-leaf clover, horseshoe or wishbone?
A merrythought is free
Wishes of dream-
Catchers; thieves you pay to have.

Eternal spring recycles waters
pond of coy,  mindless marvels of human reflection.
The mind readies the ethereal proclamation
Kallipolis has a new king.


*
Revision 2

**A Dream’s Wish*

Success’s kernel, powers granted by faithful Masters
and common revelers.
Borealis streaks across the night sky,
cajoling taunts extraordinaire.

Saturated souls of decomposed wannabe’s
that line a most famous path.
Hedonists take pleasure in life’s cruel joke.
The Socratic toast; to obedience and to death.

What uses for a four-leaf clover, horseshoe or wishbone?
A merrythought is free
Wishes of dream-
Catchers; thieves you pay to have.

Miniature signals lighting the way,
captured in a jar
Isn’t the same
As on a piece of paper.

 Eternal spring recycles waters
pond of coy,  mindless marvels of human reflection.
The mind readies the ethereal proclamation
Kallipolis has a new king.


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## jenthepen (Jan 2, 2019)

I'm pleased that the second version is closer to your intention when composing these poems because, for me, the second is clearer, sharper and more potent. I also like the way you have rephrased very similar emotions to make the new version less 'tell' with more impactful imagery.

The final line of a poem will shine if it leaves the reader with an idea to contemplate. With this in mind, I'd try to reword the last line of the second version to reflect the fact that the narrator views successful poets/writers as kings (if this is what is meant). As it stands, it reads as though the narrator is complaining about the attitude of successful writers - that may be the intention but, if it is, it needs to be presented as a revelation rather than as a flat statement (which comes across as a simple opinion and doesn't carry any poetic power).

All this is based on my emotional reaction to your poems - which is how I evaluate every poem I read - so it might or might not be helpful but I hope it helps to give you another perspective at least.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 2, 2019)

Jen;

 All feedback to one of my poems is helpful.  I'll look at your suggestion, the ending/last line does need something. Also thinking of removing 'hemlock filled chalice' a bit too much tell for that line.
  Any others with any thoughts or suggestions?


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## Pelwrath (Jan 5, 2019)

A revision posted and a question.  It was asked of me about the title.  Would it help if it was A Dream's Wish? Thanks very much for that suggestion Olly! My thought was plural as to all our dreams but the more I thought about it, the possessive isn't a bad idea at all. Would there be any changes in the poem if that was done?


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## jenthepen (Jan 5, 2019)

I like the new final stanza a lot.

I would have liked you to keep the firefly referencefrom the original version because, for me, that was a great image and summed up the way that fleeting ideas prompt and push us towards writing a poem. I don't know how you feel about that?

Oh, and I think the possessive from in the title works really well and actually clarifies the message for me.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 5, 2019)

I liked the firefly reference as well but swapped it out the aura borealis.  Maybe another stanza and add fireflies...the recipe is changing but not the flavor or taste. Good suggestion Jen, thanks.


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## shedpog329 (Jan 5, 2019)

I could really sense the frustration in this and really enjoyed the last revision Pelwrath.  I think this is really good work.  Thanks for sharing!


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## Pelwrath (Jan 6, 2019)

Thanks for your time and comments, shedpog.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 7, 2019)

I posted a 2nd version with an additional stanza.


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## jenthepen (Jan 7, 2019)

Yes, I like that.


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## Pelwrath (Jan 7, 2019)

I like it as well. Thankyou Ollie for your observation about the title along with thanks to Jen and shedpog.


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