# Five-Point



## musichal (Jul 22, 2015)

deleted, see blog​


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

Centred formats don't work for me, and I don't understand the choice to include a solitary comma; I think the poem should either apply correct punctuation or do away with it entirely. The repetition is very coarse, and the stream of ideas very disjointed.

However, I do like the opening line. I'd cut everything else and use that central image/line for a new poem. Keep the first two lines.


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## musichal (Jul 22, 2015)

Possibly disjointed was the point.  See title.


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## Patrick (Jul 22, 2015)

musichal said:


> Possibly disjointed was the point.  See title.



Well, of course, but I don't think you need to butcher your language and punctuation to achieve that. Reading the forums, I notice a trend of writers posting concepts, which are very interesting, but not realising they are in fact still only concepts. This isn't yet a poem as far as I can see, Musichal. I think if you give yourself some distance, you will see you have a fine idea (the opening two lines are a great platform), but you haven't got the poem to carry it yet.


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## Firemajic (Jul 22, 2015)

Musichal, you rocked this! The chaotic style only added power to your message.. I like where you went with this... a scary ride that for me, worked! The fear and confusion about what was happening ... you nailed that... Thanks for a cool read... Peace... Julia

Reminds me of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb"... lol... love that!


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## -xXx- (Jul 22, 2015)

lettuce go


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## Pursuit (Jul 22, 2015)

I don't understand the point of using all the world all (twice).. maybe for the flow? I liked the pace of this poem though


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

The repetition was used well here IMO.

I liked the ending too...

_tasty word salad ambulance _is a great line. Looks like the opening to one of mine. I guess it fits your content better? 


7/10


I sometimes just start like that. Just write whatever and see where you go :


tasty word salad ambulance
dancing demons in a trance
Eiffel Tower incident
dressing for her last dance


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## musichal (Jul 22, 2015)

"Word salad" is a term used to describe a specific speech behavior in Psychiatry.
Of course "five-point" refers to an unpleasant type of physical restraint.
For those who may have been unaware.


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## Mesafalcon (Jul 22, 2015)

musichal said:


> "Word salad" is a term used to describe a specific speech behavior in Psychiatry.



I may have heard it before, but I had no idea it was an actual term.

An interesting choice of words.


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## Phase (Jul 23, 2015)

I like it, Five-points to Gryffindore


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## Lewdog (Jul 23, 2015)

Like some others here, I don't like the centered format.  With it being centered it makes me read the lines in a different way.  You definitely get your point across that you are talking about someone in a psychiatric ward.  The line, "why are they white" makes me think you are talking about the orderlies at the ward.  You did a good job of expressing your thoughts and giving imagery in such short lines.  I think if you put this a conventional style you'll be fine.


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## Sonata (Jul 23, 2015)

musichal said:


> "Word salad" is a term used to describe a specific speech behavior in Psychiatry.
> Of course "five-point" refers to an unpleasant type of physical restraint.
> For those who may have been unaware.



With embarrassment it took me a few minutes to remember the term "word salad" as my studies were not psychiatry, but once I remembered then "five-point" made it all come together.

I like it Hal.  It all made sense after I "got" the meaning.


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## Nellie (Jul 23, 2015)

musichal said:


> "Word salad" is a term used to describe a specific speech behavior in Psychiatry.
> Of course "five-point" refers to an unpleasant type of physical restraint.
> For those who may have been unaware.



I was aware of the terms "word salad" and knew what "five-point" is referring to, so I like the poem for that. But I do agree with Patrick and Annie about centering it. IMO, it would read better if not in the center. Thanks.


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## musichal (Jul 23, 2015)

...and yet I prefer them centered, as I also do when reading from a book.  So centered they shall be, but all are certainly free to continue to remark upon it.  Just this once is enough for me.  :salut:


\/  poetry, Lewdog, poetry  \/​


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## Lewdog (Jul 23, 2015)

musichal said:


> ...and yet I prefer them centered, as I also do when reading from a book.  So centered they shall be, but all are certainly free to continue to remark upon it.  Just this once is enough for me.  :salut:




But you don't center your forum posts!


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## -xXx- (Jul 23, 2015)

sure he does.
I seize it.

*goes advanced*
*looks around nervously*​


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## inkwellness (Jul 23, 2015)

I know I've said this before, but I love the aesthetic nature of your poems. Their symmetry makes them unavoidable. Very cool.


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## Darkkin (Jul 23, 2015)

This is one of those pieces that without context I was lost, with it, WOW!  The imagery in this is stellar and the empathy for the narrator...the fear is palpable, the panic tangible.  When you can make your reader's throat go dry because they can practically feel the scream of this poor fellow, you know you're doing something right.  It is a terrible reality of life for those with mental illness.  I've learned a couple new terms form this, too.  Well, wrought.  Powerful and well wrought.


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