# Shyness & Social Anxiety Still Dominates My Life



## JamesR (May 17, 2015)

It's been almost 20 years now and social anxiety combined with shyness still dominates my life to this very day, and boy am I sick of it.

Just as I made no effort to be a social creature or "branch out" during high school, so I am doing the exact same thing today as I progress in college. I'm 19 years old and never have I been in a relationship, lost my virginity, or dated apart from literally ONE date I went on when I was 16 that is sort of the peak of my young life so far.

Why do shy and socially anxious fellows like myself have such a hard time in the romance department? It's a very powerful, somewhat saddening experience to realize that unless I make a change now, my destiny very well could be to remain a single old miser forever--to be the perpetual 40 year old laughingstock of 30-something year old women everywhere well into the 3rd bottle of wine.

But more so than just the romance part--which is already painful enough. It's the shyness and social anxiety itself and how it affects me in other areas. Everyone says my youth is supposed to be the grand peak of my life--yet it isn't. And it's not because of factors outside of my control, but because of my own refusal to step out of my comfort zone.

I go to class, take as many classes online as possible so I don't have to be on campus that much, and then avoid all social interaction as much as possible.

I wish I could say things in my life were going better, but they are not. And in fact, I tend to see them moving in a more negative direction, at least romantically and socially. Most people meet their spouses in college? Probably won't be me. This is supposed to be the peak? It isn't for me. Confidence is at an all time life. I know it's not supposed to come from superficial accomplishments like money or the loss of virginity, and part of the reason why I haven't pursued such endeavors yet is because of my values, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that garnering some superficial accomplishments under your belt does help the confidence meter to rise.

If anyone else is going through the same thing at this moment or has, how have you learned to cope and overcome your issues?


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## escorial (May 17, 2015)

self belief is what drives us...but everyday it's tested in our minds by other people....you know it's not a fair world and you try your best and all you can do is believe in yourself.... if your not comfortable with your own identity and standing in the world and you need another person to give you that...than be aware that if you find that person you may realise that you are not an indivivdual but the extension of someone else


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## Guy Faukes (May 17, 2015)

We share similar stories. I was/am a very shy individual who avoided a lot of social aspects of life. Most of my youth was spent indoors and away from people, and high school was a lot of social pressure with very few results. Things got a bit better in university after picking up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I met people and the sport itself makes you present. Perhaps finding a social sport or hobby you enjoy may help you, even if you are piss poor at it at the beginning. Sometimes you have to "go past your comfort zone" to find something greater than you had before.

You may find social anxiety groups in your area to help you work through situations and fears. There are probably plenty of people with similar problems that you can talk to and relate to in a safe environment. 

This may not be advice you want to hear, but it gets easier after 23. Your prefrontal cortex completely develops, so powerful emotions like anxiety and shyness won't grip you as much. You can accept your emotions more, which will make socializing more comfortable and easier. 

Mindfulness meditation might help, also. Sitting and tolerating the emotions that cause you to be withdrawn and shy can help as emotions can change if you don't suppress them and let them unravel. What may be shyness may be an unaddressed urge for comfort and familiarity, for instance, and you can then perceive it as a natural need that you can address and foster, instead of simply shyness. 

Medications to take some of the anxiety off may help as well, though it's a very short term solution. 

It's a lot of emotional and psychological work that might extend past your time at college. I haven't worked through it completely, but there are social milestones you can reach and feel natural. Confidence comes with acceptance; there's a lot of pressure in youth to be this or do that. If you can take a step back and simply accept as you are, accept the "deficiencies" and vulnerabilities, it's a bit step towards finding your social self.

If the lack of a social life is negatively affecting your university performance, you may wish to consider taking a year or two off. Consider finding a job until you're older and can deal with these problems first, as university can be another set of challenges to an already trying life situation.


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## InstituteMan (May 17, 2015)

I can't offer any help with the social anxiety issues, but even as someone who had a pretty good time in college, I've got to say that those years aren't close to the pinnacle of my life.

I do want to share one little secret from someone who had a small reputation as a ladies' man in college: other people are having way less sex than you think. I know there's a stereotype of the wild sexual times that happen at college, but that's the stuff of movies and guys running smack to impress one another. Don't let the false notion that you're somehow missing out on wild times curdle frustration inside of you. 

Good luck, and, as Guy counseled, patience.


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## Bloggsworth (May 18, 2015)

In many ways I used also to be terminally reticent, for about 40 years longer than you, and shortly before I retired at 65, I signed up for a Creative Writing course at Birkbeck College - Yes, it surprised me too, but a brain not used atrophies. As I walked into the first session I said to myself "I shall be the new me, outgoing, talkative and a joiner-in." Much to my amazement I did and it worked. My wife says I am a different person socially - Should have done it years ago, give it a try.


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## dither (May 18, 2015)

James R,
I wish i knew what to say. I've lived my whole life the way you seem to be living your's and i shall die that way. 

I hope it works out for you  i really do.


dither


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## EnglishmanRob (May 18, 2015)

I was similar to you, and still am in some ways. 
My secret - I'm an actor. 

At home I'm Robert, the socially shy guy. 
But when I leave my house, I become "Rob". He is not shy. He likes talking to people. (At one point, he wore a beanie hat everywhere). He is a fun guy to be around. 
And it is hard work, but it is worth it. I make more friends. I meet people. I have even met girls. 
And at the end of the day, I go home, take off my (now metaphorical) beanie hat, and become Robert again. And I can relax as Robert, and read books or write books or paint or do whatever I want to recharge and rest. 
Ready for another hard work day as "Rob"


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## Kevin (May 18, 2015)

I was 19 before I went on an actual 'date'. You see, I had this ideal that I needed a vehicle, first. So once I got the money up to buy...

 None of the girls I was interested in liked me (was only a couple anyway) so that when I asked them out they said no. I'm glad, too. We had nothing in common. So I went and found a different girl. 

Grocery stores and Laundromats are some of the best places to meet girls when you're 19 and everyone is poor. 

What are you interested in? Whatever it is, join a club, a live one, some place where you go and actually do it or at least talk about it. These are actually 'social clubs'. "Hi, my name is...." and a hand-shake is totally acceptable just about anywhere where you are stuck for more than a few minutes. It's non-threatening and says that you are open to conversation. That's it. I found that the less expectation I had the more open I became.

Sometimes, occasionally, the other person will let you know they're interested in more. So you talk to them some more. And then you sack-up, get bold and ask if they want to meet for coffee sometime. If they say yes, you tell them it's been nice and you ask for their number. 

If at any point you've misread them and they say no you say that's okay, and you mean it, because it is; _it wasn't a match and oh well._ And then you go back to talking as if nothing happened; it's all good. Shit, they may have friends. You never know, but you've got to meet people.


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## midnightpoet (May 18, 2015)

I know it's old fashioned, but Dale Carnegie gave me a jump start in my social life.  I took a class right after college, and it helped amazingly.  Of course, it doesn't have to be that, as others have said, join a social club.  I'm sure there are writer's critique groups near you, being around people with similar interests will help.  From somebody who was afraid to speak to a girl, I went to a writer's convention and read my poem to a large crowd.  1000 mile journey begin with single step.  Good luck.


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## R. Mountebank (May 18, 2015)

Hi Kevin.
I understand how you feel. I too spent most of my teens/early twenties alone so to speak. I'm fairly awkward myself and have always valued my own company.
I had to get out of my comfort zone to make new friends and meet women etc. I moved to a new city and found a flat - got a job - joined different interest groups - film and music etc.
I wouldn't fret about finding a girlfriend. Focus on having fun. Focus on meeting new people. Eventually you will meet a like minded girl, either through college, work, friends etc. 
The important thing is to get out there and network - it dosen't have to be anything your not comfortable with. Find a local writers group for instance.
I know one size doesn't fit all, and this may not help you - but for me, I had to get over myself and try a little.
Cheers and good luck


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## dither (May 18, 2015)

Wow!
Some amazing comments here. I'm impressed.


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## Jenwales (May 19, 2015)

I used to by shy and have what probably would be considered social anxiety. Now I have general anxiety. However I used to have panic attacks as a teen and it took a while for them to go. 
Without giving you a long life story of my anxiety issues I'd just want to say that to get over being shy you need to get out there and do something. When I was having panic attacks avoiding the places where I got them made it worse, avoiding any social contact makes it worse. You are letting yourself believe all the negative thoughts in your head about how you are in social situations. I still second guess things I say and find it hard to talk to people I don't know but I'm so much better now.
I was chucked in the deep end, I had to work in retail and was so painfully shy I found it hard. But with practice, with experience I am now so much more confident than I was.
Any anxiety can be eased by just to quote somebody "feeling the fear and do it anyway" the more you do something the less scary it becomes. Yes, it will be tough but one day you'll realise how far you've come.
So what can you do? You could read a book about social anxiety and learn cognitive behaviour theapy techniques (this helped me ease and get rid of panic attacks). You could learning to relax and maybe do yoga or a mindfulness meditation which is very good for people with anxiety (I'm doing this now and already it's helping as it's my negative thinknig that causes my problems).
You could set yourself a little goal. One a week maybe and do it no matter how bad you feel. It could be something as simple as smiling at someone in the street, let yourself worry about it but do it anyway. Then say hello. Or go to a shop and talk to the sales assistant just for a bit, comment on the weather or wish them a good day or ask them if it's been busy (I work in a shop and customers often chat so it's not unusual). If it's a book shop you could ask for a particular book etc 
Just make a list of all the little things you could do. Feel good after each acoomplishment. No matter what it is because one little step can be a massive deal. Keep doing these little things and you'll get better.
I promise. 
I know how you feel and I know it does get better you just have ignore your thoughts and know that you are a person worth knowing and people need to know that.


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## Sonata (May 19, 2015)

Open an online diary - there are plenty of free ones.  Set them so they send you an email reminder each morning to write something, and each morning write down how you felt the day before.  Also if you did something that made you feel good or not good.

Even if you just put down a number from 1-10 with one being the lowest you felt the day before, it will still help.

I keep two online diaries although for different reasons, and it definitely helps as I can check back on what happened and when.


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## TeriBeth (May 19, 2015)

EnglishmanRob and I have something in common. I, too, am an actor. When I go out, I force myself to be confident and fun-loving. On the inside, I'm usually filled with nervousness and anxiety.  I'm almost positive it's a genetic thing, because my father and grandfather were like this as well.  I'm painfully shy, which people usually interpret as being bitchy or snobby. Once people get to know me, they really like me, but I always assume no one will really like me. Every single time. Reaching out to someone is a personal hell because I always fear rejection. No logical reason for it, it's just where my mind always goes.  You are definitely not alone. Just opening up on this message board is a step in the right direction, I think. Just keep pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone by taking baby steps. That's what I'm doing.


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## Loveabull (May 19, 2015)

Oh my dear it's okay...not shy, introspective...I'm sure if you could find book or writer based singles events that you'd find many young ladies who would be charmed by your personality really. Us quiet ones are the ones observing. At my last few jobs I've always been identified as " That old white lady with all the books"...n' yup they know exactly who I am.

What I did at a Christmas party a few years back was connect with this sweet co-worker and her daughter. I spent the night chatting with Miss Anna and from then on I was accepted by my co-workers, sometimes it's just about who you know or who people think you know. Also not overthinking it. Find a common interest, I can talk about my dogs for hours.

An important thing that I found extremely helpful...I read about it in a book about law enforcement actually. Putting on your "Game Face". It's being an actor kinda sorta in a way. Find an exaggerated personality you can comfortably play. My hubby in Sicilian so I know all the colorful Italian words, my voice is naturally low...

So at work I project the voice a bit, throw in the Joiseyisms and my alter ego sounds like Joe Pesci. I'm saying it works for me..." Hey welcome to Petco, how the hell ya doin'?:encouragement:


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## Bevo (May 20, 2015)

Interesting, I thought I was the only one that acted in uncomfortable situations, works really well.
My wife was amazed the first time she saw it, we were going to a party and I was stressed, sweating and feeling sick, she said we should just go home. It was important to her and as I got out of the car I got in character and we had a great time starting at the front door. I knocked loud and grabbed the hosts hand and gave it a great shake introducing us, then complimented the hostess, after that was easy.

On the way home we talked about it and I told her about my anxiety and how I get around it.
This weekend I had an issue at Cosco, jammed with people loud and crazy, I started getting really nervous and had to get in role. I went from hiding along the wall to looking at stuff to buy and hunting for a barrel of Advil.

Im almost 50 and have this since high school, it's important to find a way to cope without drugs, it does get easier as said but always there.
Once you get a handle on it it will take more and more to set you off.

I also joined some groups, running and martial arts then hockey was good to just get around people.
Meeting girls is what it is, no magic to it but you have to be nice, decent and confident. If they like you the nerves will get worse then better as you get comfortable. A good male or female friend will also help you to be social, around them you will get lessons of what is expected and reactions to different situations.

Another thing I did was to dare myself to do something like talk to a girl or join an event, this worked well but jump into it before you second guess yourself. I still remember how excited I was when I dared myself to call this girl, she answered and knew me, we went for coffee and are good friends to this day.


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## Loveabull (May 21, 2015)

t that Yup it really works. The other thing I might add is that at that party with Miss Anna I was extremely nervous. That's when I clam up completely...But Miss Anna and her daughter were motor mouths. I didn't have to say a word. Between the two of them I just had to keep following the topic and add some laughter or " Oh no she didn't" at appropriate times and they just kept on going.

Motor mouths can be great friends in social situations.


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 22, 2015)

JamesR said:


> Just as I made no effort to be a social creature or "branch out" during high school, so I am doing the exact same thing today as I progress in college. I'm 19 years old and never have I been in a relationship, lost my virginity, or dated apart from literally ONE date I went on when I was 16 that is sort of the peak of my young life so far.


Wanna hear something kinda funny? I'm 19 years old and never have I been in a relationship, lost my virginity, or dated apart from literally one day when I was 16. (I went to the movies with some girl.) High-five.


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## dale (May 22, 2015)

god created a cure for us "social anxiety" people. it's called "alcohol".


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## dither (May 22, 2015)

Loveabull said:


> t that Yup it really works. The other thing I might add is that at that party with Miss Anna I was extremely nervous. That's when I clam up completely...But Miss Anna and her daughter were motor mouths. I didn't have to say a word. Between the two of them I just had to keep following the topic and add some laughter or " Oh no she didn't" at appropriate times and they just kept on going.
> 
> Motor mouths can be great friends in social situations.




I don't like motormouths and it drives me nuts when there's one on my bus.


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## dither (May 22, 2015)

dale said:


> god created a cure for us "social anxiety" people. it's called "alcohol".



Yup!

Won't argue with that.


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## Kevin (May 22, 2015)

I love it at parties where I hardly know anyone and then, suddenly, that awkward feeling hits. You start becoming aware of you own body language, overly-aware, and wondering if you're starting to.... B.O.  _Am I dressed ok? Are people noticing? Why does anxiety boil like hot tea in my veins at the back of my head? what the hell do I do with my hands?  Gawd, I hate this... _There's nothing better, no better feeling...


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 22, 2015)

dale said:


> god created a cure for us "social anxiety" people. it's called "alcohol".


And history shows you'll become a better writer for it, eh.


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## Sonata (May 22, 2015)

dale said:


> god created a cure for us "social anxiety" people. it's called "alcohol".





Nicholas McConnaughay said:


> And history shows you'll become a better writer for it, eh.



And you just end up an alcoholic who cannot cope with social anxiety or write without the prop of alcohol.


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## dale (May 22, 2015)

Nicholas McConnaughay said:


> And history shows you'll become a better writer for it, eh.



i wrote like 15 of the 18 chapters of my 1st novel in almost total black-out. i sat and read it after it was published and a copy
was sent to me. didn't even read the manuscript after i tacked "the end" on it, just sent it out. it's kind of "iffy" in places and i can
tell i'm really gone in parts of it, personally. thinking back, i'm surprised it remained as coherent as it did. on this new one, i try to
keep it more even keel. i take the time to read what i wrote the night before and polish it and clean it up as i go.


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 22, 2015)

Sonata said:


> And you just end up an alcoholic who cannot cope with social anxiety or write without the prop of alcohol.



Oh, but think about how good those books will be. Maybe it's worth it.


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## dale (May 22, 2015)

Nicholas McConnaughay said:


> Oh, but think about how good those books will be. Maybe it's worth it.



oh yes. you always have to weigh out the priorities. i mean...just how much liver damage is social acceptance and a book deal really worth? i've decided it's worth at least to the point where my eyes turn yellow. if my eyes turn yellow? i'll go ahead and make the liver a higher priority. until then, though? fuck it.


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## Sonata (May 22, 2015)

Please do not misunderstand me.  I have nothing against alcohol but if the only way a person can cope with social problems or with writing is with the aid of alcohol [or other drugs], that, to me, is a cause for concern.

I enjoy reading but if I thought that the book I was reading was written under the influence of something, that book to me would not the the author's writing but that of the drug.

Would you still drive when under the influence?


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## dale (May 22, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Please do not misunderstand me.  I have nothing against alcohol but if the only way a person can cope with social problems or with writing is with the aid of alcohol [or other drugs], that, to me, is a cause for concern.
> 
> I enjoy reading but if I thought that the book I was reading was written under the influence of something, that book to me would not the the author's writing but that of the drug.
> 
> Would you still drive when under the influence?



i really didn't mean to derail the thread into a discussion on alcohol. but there are great books written by people
under the influence of drugs and booze. there are also great books written by people completely sober. i rarely let
an author's personal life influence what i read. 

as far as driving? i went 30 or so years driving drunk and never had an accident. i learned to drive under the influence and
that's how i drive best. i quit drinking once when i was 42 or 43. 2 weeks after i quit drinking i smashed into an SUV right downtown.
my only wreck in life. and it happened because i was too distracted and nervous sober and plowed straight thru a red light.


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## Kevin (May 22, 2015)

“Jeezus Christ! Have you ever heard of anyone who drank while he worked? You’re thinking of Faulkner. He does sometimes – and I can tell right in the middle of a page when he’s had his first one. Besides, who in hell would mix more than one martini at a time?” - 'Papa'

We're trying to get someone a date here, or at least a shot at one.   Axe... don't use Axe.


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## dale (May 22, 2015)

Kevin said:


> We're trying to get someone a date here, or at least a shot at one.



well that's simple enough. he should simply buy some coke, walk into a seedy bar in his town, and shout "i'm a virgin and i have cocaine!". i swear...the women will be at his feet.


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 22, 2015)

Sonata said:


> Please do not misunderstand me.  I have nothing against alcohol but if the only way a person can cope with social problems or with writing is with the aid of alcohol [or other drugs], that, to me, is a cause for concern.
> 
> I enjoy reading but if I thought that the book I was reading was written under the influence of something, that book to me would not the the author's writing but that of the drug.
> 
> Would you still drive when under the influence?



I was joking.


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## Loveabull (May 22, 2015)

I have a confession to make that I'm sure more than one of you can identify with. I've constructed very well written pieces, even popular posts...that are a complete surprise to me when I read them days later...do I have a problem with alcohol? I get happy, then very creative, then I fall asleep, no problem...


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