# An English Personal Essay



## TheArchitect (Nov 7, 2006)

This is a paper I wrote in my English 101 Class and I was hoping someone could read it for me and tell me what you think and possibly help me improve it.

(Im new is there another way to send my work besides an attachment? I tried to copy and paste and it wouldnt let me. I know I can always write it.)


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## mammamaia (Nov 7, 2006)

don't know why you couldn't... i just did... here:







> *The Icestorm*
> 
> I could see a figure dart across the room, not quite reaching its destination; it was stopped abruptly by a blinding flash. The lightning had lit up the room bright as day. Though only for a second, long enough for me to see the frightened dog, its head hanging low and body shaking violently. The same dog, hours before, had walked the streets of our neighborhood strutting with the attitude and stature of a great hound in pursuit of the opposite sex. Now his true strength and size was being revealed. The source of the dog's fear was tapping franticly at the window and howling noisily. Every now and then heavenly violence displayed a bright flash and low rumble, making the dog and everyone else in the room worry and wonder when the storm would subside. For hours the storm went on, fighting hard and long; getting angrier then subsiding for a few moments only to come back full strength in an attempt at what it seemed was to blow the house down. The storm finally died down enough for me to relax. I found a spot in the crowded bed where we all laid, finding protection in my parent's protection and the storm's end. I finally found sleep.
> 
> ...


 
your paragraphs are awfully long... i'd divide this up in smaller pieces, to make it more reader-friendly, for starters... it does need some work... if you want to send it to me, i'll be glad to show you where and how... it's a bit much to do in a post...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com


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## safara duff (May 15, 2008)

Mammamia is right. Your essay is too long and this might be result of losing the interest of readers. Much better if you would stick to your primary purpose and subject. Remember that dull paragraph pushes the readers away and even too long starting  paragraph. So one of the effective secret of every successful essay is having enticing lead which grabs the  readers’ eyes to finish the entire essay and if you want you can also use powerful words but not too much.


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