# A Good Read



## Olly Buckle (Oct 7, 2012)

A young man to whom I recently recommended a book told me he had so much reading for course work he would not have time to read other things. I am reminded of the college professor who, when told by a student that he “had not had time” to complete an essay, replied, “Why? What were you doing at three o’clock this morning?”

One can read at most times and in most places. It is prudent to cross the road at the pedestrian lights if you have your head in a book, but even walking down the street most people, apart from the blind and the incapable, will take avoiding action when they see you coming with a book. Those incapable of avoiding you are easily evaded in the event of them expressing annoyance at a collision; though if you are in England an apology is still fairly common, then again wheelchairs can be painful to the shins.

Reading whilst driving is not generally recommended, unless you are delivering a road train to Alice Springs. It is possible to have a volume on the passenger seat for perusal at traffic lights, the vehicle behind will generally apprise you of the fact when they change. It is prudent to glance in the mirror before you look down to your book in case the car behind is a police car, or driven by some other obvious social deviant. Occasionally there are police officers on foot patrol, these may sneak up on you unobserved and look in the window and, being junior enough not to warrant a vehicle, will be eager to prove themselves. Having a large map open on the seat next to an inconspicuous volume such as “Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations” is a useful gambit against such eventualities, A4, brightly coloured, volumes, such as “Uncle Fester’s Secrets of Amphetamine Manufacture” are inclined to attract unwelcome attention.

Most bodily functions do not preclude reading, I always have a book beside the lavatory. In that location one’s stays are usually short and well spaced; so pick something containing concepts that may be absorbed individually in a short space of time, an English grammar for example. It is also useful to be able to discover one’s place and resume reading rapidly upon one’s return. Book marks help, and one which distinguishes your place to the verso or recto page can be of even more assistance. However they are not infallible, others may use the facility, curious individuals can lose your place for you. It may be prudent to keep the book elsewhere and pick it up on your way in, or place it on a high shelf next to the bleach. An alternative solution is to mark one’s place with a largish sheet of scrap paper, such as the back of an old Christmas card, and write the page number on each time one finishes reading.

Meal times are, of course, a recognised occasion for reading, it is probably why people moved from eating from their laps to using tables, some believe cruets were originally devised for propping books against, their culinary function being a secondary purpose devised by the illiterate. If you cannot discover table companions with books of their own eat alone, others may be ignorant enough of their manners to attempt conversation and interrupt concentration. In such a case do not hesitate to correct them, you owe it to humanity to help in their education, and provided you do not beat about the bush with awkward circumlocution, thanks are not too much to expect for your effort. One last word concerning reading whilst eating do not get so involved you spill food at the crisis point, discovering that the pages are stuck together with boiled egg yolk or onion gravy at a vital point can be most upsetting to future readers of the volume.

A basin wash with a flannel is far too active for reading, besides, getting the hands wet and soapy does not facilitate page turning either, and the mirror can be distracting. Showers are definitely out. However, a long soak in the bath, with the liberal addition of extra hot water at intervals, can be a most satisfactory and relaxing way of absorbing the contents of a volume, if not of actually cleansing oneself. The sole disadvantage I have discovered is that of other members of the household hammering on the door, generally this is easily ignored.

Sex is not necessarily exclusive to reading, though some positions are more conducive than others; experimentation and practice are advocated, though this may prove difficult unless one’s partner is also a committed bibliophile. If they are not ditching them and finding a fresh partner who is may seem like a lot of effort, but may also be well worth it in the long term.

For reading to be productive and enjoyable it is essential that the reading matter should not become tedious or stale. This is one reason it is good practice to have several books on the go at the same time, however, having books of the same type can lead to confusion. To avoid this I recommend a novel, an autobiography or biography, a work of general non-fiction, such as a history book, a non-fiction work within one’s own discipline, and a book in another language to give a good spread, some people read plays. In the event that you are not fluent in another language a language text book should be substituted, thereby both closing gaps in your knowledge and opening doors. It is good to start with a European language, such as French or German where the basic concepts are similar. Discovering that a language has three different words and concepts that all translate as the verb ‘to be’, as in the Japanese imasu, arimasu and desu, can be disconcerting to the absolute novice in linguistic fluency.

Generally there is little excuse, other than blindness or illiteracy, for not reading, and the blind and illiterate are, nowadays, well provided with talking books and audio books which can be listened to almost anywhere, with earphones even in noisy environments. There is no reason why the sighted reader should not subvert this facility in situations where it is appropriate. To say one does not have time to read is invidious to those who are concerned for your education and take the trouble of recommending books. By all means give up films, television, sport, dining out, and other such time consuming entertainments of little productivity, but always have a book. Lastly, remember, if you are not writing the next day’s essay there is little else to do but read at three a.m., and as Fifty Cent said, “Sleep? That’s for people who have made it”.


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## GonneLights (Oct 7, 2012)

This is just great. It's a _chuckle, _which is nice, and it's great in... Like... I always loved the idea of a Useless Self-Help Book, and this is advice for the purpose of snickering at rather than taking, which is glorious and hilarious. It's sort of tongue-in-cheek and self-satire, and I like that. And it's written like someone is just talking to you - slightly formal and essay-style, as is the burden of the blank page, but nonetheless I feel like I know you. And I do know you, sort of, as an acquaintance. We've spoken. And I feel like you're talking to me, exclusively. I imagine even if we'd never spoken I'd feel the same. In short, engaging, which is great. The style is absent, the voice is persistent, and this is the essential diamond of the mine for this kind of writing, and you're doing that, and it's great.

I love the escalation from, you know, like... Stuff you hear all the time, _read on the lavatory, _quickly to the point of obsession, _read while having sex. _That made me laugh, and also, I hope that you're *not *that bad, and in the event that you're not, you've actually created a character to write as. You're an actor as much as a writer, here, and that's skilful and employed well for this engaging style of writing, and very very effective for deploying in comedy. 

The turnarounds are great, like, "_Generally there is little excuse, other than blindness or illiteracy, for not reading, and the blind and illiterate are, nowadays, well provided with..." - _I laughed a lot of that. You've got a talent for that, unexpected sort of things, and I love the mercilessness of it.

I only have issue with one line, and it's as follows:

"_is a useful gambit against such eventualities, A4, brightly coloured, volumes, such as " - _it wasn't enough for me not to get the joke, I got the joke, but, I think you've got a missing word or two here. Sort of confusing, otherwise, and could be put better, probably. I don't know, because I don't understand it [snicker]

But yeah, I like it, it made me laugh and it uses a lot of clever devices. Is this part of some over-riding work? Or, is it a potential entry for a magazine, etc.? It seems too good to just float on the aethyr, and you seem too old to let something float on the aethyr. back handed compliments


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## shedpog329 (Oct 7, 2012)

So I'm guessing you didn't enjoy Crichtons "Next"


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 7, 2012)

Touché, I'll try it.

Thank you for your enthusiasm Karking Jack


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## shedpog329 (Oct 7, 2012)

after you can go on to "The Andromeda Strain" and "The Terminal Man" and if your feeling realllly audacious there is "A Pirates Latitude" as the cherry on top


but dont get me started with James Patterson, unless you have a thing for Sandra Bullock movies


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## alanmt (Oct 7, 2012)

I cut back on my reading and driving when a police officer pulled up next to me and, watching me read, gave me a very stern look.


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## Cran (Oct 7, 2012)

alanmt said:


> I cut back on my reading and driving when a police officer pulled up next to me and, watching me read, gave me a very stern look.


Are you sure he wasn't just squinting to make sure the title 
wasn't _So You Want to Drive a Car?_ or _Driving for Dummies?_

*Olly*, once again a good one ... and once again, _commas!_


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## GonneLights (Oct 7, 2012)

> Thank you for your enthusiasm Karking Jack



This sounds like, too, a backhanded compliment. Haw haw


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## shedpog329 (Oct 7, 2012)

remind me never to refuse a reading from Olly again


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 8, 2012)

KarKingJack said:


> This sounds like, too, a backhanded compliment. Haw haw


Not at all, your comments have an appreciation of technique that shows a discerning read, thank you.



> remind me never to refuse a reading from Olly again


Don't worry, people do it all the time, I name no names.


> and once again, commas!


 And I thought I had been quite careful, I'll have to sign up for English classes, thanks for reading,


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## The Backward OX (Oct 8, 2012)

Enjoyed it, thank you.


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## HKayG (Oct 8, 2012)

This should be read to every year 7 class in Britain.  Because, obviously, these days it's the kids that have the least time for reading.

Great bit of writing - thank you.


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## Desertrose (Oct 8, 2012)

Thoroughly enjoyed this very good read 
Amusing and entertaining all the way through.
One of the reasons I'm against all these new fandangled kindles and e readers is that I enjoy puzzling over those odd little stains you occasionally come across. What made them, who made them and where were they when they made them. (Ok, so sometimes that can be a bit worrying, especially in the light of some of your suggestions.) 
Better still are the comments people scribble on pages, or text that is outlined as if to make a point or remind themselves of something.
I don't know. I just love real "books" and the notion that other people have been on the same mind journeys as me when they read them.


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## Cran (Oct 8, 2012)

Olly Buckle said:


> And I thought I had been quite careful, I'll have to sign up for English classes, thanks for reading,


You don't need English classes; your English is top notch. Some kind of advanced writing course, perhaps, to unlock the potentials of punctuation - or we could pursue it in _Writing Discussion_?


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## Kryptex (Oct 8, 2012)

> Reading whilst driving is not generally recommended



I burst out laughing when I read that :rofl:


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## Gumby (Oct 8, 2012)

Olly Buckle said:


> And I thought I had been quite careful, I'll have to sign up for English classes, thanks for reading,



Olly, did you write that sentence with a straight face, or was your tongue firmly lodged in your cheek?  

I enjoyed the voice of this one, it was pure Olly.


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## dolphinlee (Oct 25, 2012)

Olly

I have enjoyed your other pieces. However this is the best I've seen to date. 

Book marks help, and one which distinguishes your place to the verso or recto page this advice about how to mark your place in a toilet book was brilliant.

Sex is not necessarily exclusive to reading, though some positions are more conducive than others; experimentation and practice are advocated, though this may prove difficult unless one’s partner is also a committed bibliophile. If they are not ditching them and finding a fresh partner who is may seem like a lot of effort, but may also be well worth it in the long term. Could have used some more punctuation as I found it a little difficult to read.  Despite that I think this paragraph is a winner.


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 26, 2012)

Ah, punctuation. Yes Gumby, a dead straiaght face. I have just read through the quote above, Dolphinlee, on further reflection I would remove 'who is' and 'also' from the last sentence, but the only point I am, or was, hesitant about the punctuation is the semi-colon. Oh dear, lessons are required I think.

Edit, I am very glad you enjoyed it, thank you so much for the kind comments.


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## dolphinlee (Oct 26, 2012)

This is the short version of my notes. I posted it for someone else and they found it useful. 

*Commas (basic)
**1 Listing comma.*

My three favourite things are chocolate and coffee and pizza.

My three favourite things are chocolate, coffee and pizza.

Do not put a comma before the final and unless it is necessary for meaning. In the example below fish and chips is considered to be one meal.

Today I ate cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and fish and chips.

[h=1]2 Joining Commas[/h] 
They are used to join two complete sentences together. 
The joining comma must be followed by a connecting word, e.g. and, or, but, while and yet.
Other connecting words, e.g. however, therefore, hence, consequently, nevertheless and thus are never used after a joining comma.

I want to go to the cinema.  I want to go to the theatre.  (Two complete sentences)
I want to go to the cinema, and I want to go to the theatre.  

*3a Bracketing/Isolating Commas*

A pair of bracketing commas is used to mark a weak interruption in a sentence. (I think of it as going around part of a sentence, which can be removed without changing the meaning of the sentence.) 

I, of course, agreed to do what was asked. 

The ‘of course’ can be removed without changing the meaning of the sentence. 

My mother, who was born in Liverpool, bought me a thesaurus for Christmas. 

The fact that she was born in Liverpool can be taken out. 

N.B.  If you are not sure then take out the words that have been bracketed and reread the sentence. Does it still say what you want it to say? 

*3b Bracketing/Isolating Commas*

Weak interruptions are often introduced with the words although, though, even though, because, since, after, before, if, when, and whenever. In these cases the interruptions are usually longer. 

I went to the library yesterday, even though I normally go on Tuesdays with my friend Sandy, because I needed to return a book. 



*3c Bracketing/Isolating Commas*

Now this is where it gets complicated.  Sorry.

Weak interruptions are often found at the beginning or end of a sentence. In these cases there is only one comma. (This is not joining two complete sentences together.)

Although I hate going, I agreed to go to the cinema with my husband.


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## Olly Buckle (Oct 27, 2012)

Thank you for that Dolphinlee, I do know these thing, the trouble seems to be in the application of them, or maybe everybody else is reading it wrongly, not the way I meant.


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## dolphinlee (Oct 27, 2012)

Olly Buckle said:


> Thank you for that Dolphinlee, I do know these thing, the trouble seems to be in the application of them, or maybe everybody else is reading it wrongly, not the way I meant.




"Out manoeuvred on all sides I opt to change the rules."  - Robert Jones


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## bazz cargo (Jun 11, 2013)

I know this is an old thread, but it deserves resurrecting. Fandabbydozy!

Slightly off topic: Once, while driving on the M4 I was passed by a white Astra van. It was being driven by a young man. He had a newspaper spread over the steering-wheel, his hat on backwards and was eating a pasty. All at over 80 miles an hour. 

Obviously he has read your article.


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## NotProper (Jul 5, 2013)

Very funny, thankyou  I think you may find this amusing (and disturbing)

Scarfolk Council


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## ToBeInspired (Jul 16, 2013)

Maybe I don't understand this section of the forums. This feels more like a rant on why you should read than an actual humorous story. I can see quips thrown in, but that's like saying he said "Boo!" and I laughed. It's not really a joke. It just seems to me that you're trying to get your thoughts across instead of conveying a humorous story... which is what I assumed this section of the forums were for. You do write well though, I'll give you that.


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## Olly Buckle (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks for reading, and the compliment, ToBeInspired. I am not sure where 'story' came from, humour takes many forms and I am sure the 'rant' is one of them, think of the old fellow in 'One foot in the grave'. I thought I had used enough of the humorous elements such as exaggeration, inversion and placing things outside their normal context to make it humour, but you can never tell what will strike people that way.


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