# Life never lived



## TataSweets44 (Jun 25, 2016)

I feel like I'm just broken pieces of the person that I want to be

Living in the shadows of the unfulfilled dreams that belong to me

Life is speeding by so fast it's hard to catch up

Watching it go by with a heavy heart I'm afraid I'm going to erupt

My hands hurt from the unused talents that flow within them

A passion filled flower I try to grow but all I ever get is stem

Sometimes I feel as hollow as a shell without its seed

When my internal happiness gets hard to feed

I'm scared because I don't know where to go from here

I have this need to lead but I'm just bringing up the rear

When I'm alone I realize how deeply the loneliness really goes

I breath it in through my nose and it snakes its way all the way to my toes

But the pain, it always stays firmly in my chest

Sticking there like glue, never letting me rest

I have an ache in my heart so deep that I want to cry out

Yell it, scream it, hit the walls and shout

Frustrated with the devotion I have for my kin

But guilty that I wish I didn't have to be devoted and so "all in"

I'm afraid that I'll be here and my dreams will become the things that I dreamed 

They'll just be some dusty part of me that used to beam

My tears will stream for the fantasies formed as a kid

And I'll be in mourning for the life I never lived


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## Darkkin (Jun 25, 2016)

TataSweets44 said:


> I feel like I'm just broken(,) pieces of the person that I want to be
> Living in the shadows of the unfulfilled dreams that belong to me  A simple exercise to demonstrate.  Read the couplet with just the dark blue higlighted.  Your words without the additional weight of overstatement and redundancies.  There is an element in writing known as inference.   Context is drawn from the definition and proximity of the words.  It is what gives poetry its weight, using fewer words.  Info dumping in poetry, doesn't lend anything to the readability of a piece.
> 
> Life is speeding by so fast it's hard to catch up
> ...




A few thing that need to be addressed with this piece.  The first being format.  You have rhymed couplets, why not pair them?  A simple, easy fix that a) gives the poem a cleaner, more concise look, and b) implies to the reader that this is _indeed_ a poem, not just vertical prose.  Two.  Debulk.  Poetry is a different animal than prose.  You don't need to be Captain Obvious and plainly state everything.  Poetry is more abstract, you can't shove prose in a vertical matrix and call it a poem.

You have a good concept, an honest voice that engages the reader, but you can easily reduce the piece by at least a third.  It is all right if some thoughts of the writer remain unspoken.  They are there in the inference.  The reader doesn't need to see everything.

Reflective poetry should be just that, a reflection, not a play by play of the thought process.  That is free writing, an entirely different species of writing.  Hold your words accountable, is the length of the line helped or hindered by a word, a phrase?  How can you make it more clear, with less?  This is where reading aloud will help.  Yes, I know it sounds weird, but it is one of the most useful tools I have found.

And remember, life is never over until we actually cease to be.  As a reader, my thought to the narrator, why mourn what you didn't get and spurn what you have?  One doesn't stop being a writer or an artist simply for want of an audience.  Acknowledge the regret, but move on.  There is no law that says you can't work to become the person you want to be.

- D. the T.


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## Firemajic (Jun 25, 2016)

Fabulous DarKKin nailed every issue I have with this poem, so, having said that, I love where you are going with your message. I certainly can identify and relate to what you are trying to express... Polish this poetic gem and make your message powerful... why whimper when you can roar....


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 26, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> A few thing that need to be addressed with this piece.  The first being format.  You have rhymed couplets, why not pair them?  A simple, easy fix that a) gives the poem a cleaner, more concise look, and b) implies to the reader that this is _indeed_ a poem, not just vertical prose.  Two.  Debulk.  Poetry is a different animal than prose.  You don't need to be Captain Obvious and plainly state everything.  Poetry is more abstract, you can't shove prose in a vertical matrix and call it a poem.
> 
> You have a good concept, an honest voice that engages the reader, but you can easily reduce the piece by at least a third.  It is all right if some thoughts of the writer remain unspoken.  They are there in the inference.  The reader doesn't need to see everything.
> 
> ...


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 26, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Fabulous DarKKin nailed every issue I have with this poem, so, having said that, I love where you are going with your message. I certainly can identify and relate to what you are trying to express... Polish this poetic gem and make your message powerful... why whimper when you can roar....



Thank you for reading, belive me I'll be roaring soon enough.


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## CJL4307 (Jun 26, 2016)

Hey, thanks for the read! Honesty and raw emotion are a great thing to bring to your writing and I felt as though you were able to convey your voice clearly throughout the piece. With a little condensing, this has opportunity to be even better.


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 26, 2016)

CJL4307 said:


> Hey, thanks for the read! Honesty and raw emotion are a great thing to bring to your writing and I felt as though you were able to convey your voice clearly throughout the piece. With a little condensing, this has opportunity to be even better.



Thank you CJL! I appreciate you reading and commenting!!


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## SilverMoon (Jun 26, 2016)

Tata - Thank you for this read, this honest and raw sharing which I know will be modeled (editing is like sculpting for me) into the giantess you are.  Looking forward to the "roar"! No matter how loud, I'll not cup my ears..... Laurie


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## TataSweets44 (Jun 26, 2016)

Thank you very much Laurie! You've just put a giant smile on my face. I'm not much of a "sculpter" but I'll do my best to fine tune this piece so you can hear me roar!


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## SilverMoon (Jun 27, 2016)

Looking forward to your singular ROAR!


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## ned (Jun 27, 2016)

hello - reads like a prose writer having a try at poetry - and good on you for having a go -

but the language is rather plain for poetry - blunt statements that come across as distinct ideas
one after the other - but, poetry is really a meld of impressions to hopefully put across the message
(sometimes)

when a poetic edge is added, it sounds a bit ham-fisted - Sometimes I feel as hollow as a shell without its seed
hollow as a seedless shell - but empty shell is a bit hackneyed.

some of the rhymes sound too contrived - of course, they are contrived, but they shouldn't sound like it.

just so you know, that this poetry stuff is not that easy - but the other crits give sound advice and you have a raft 
of good ideas to work with - now begins the graft...

good luck
Ned


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## Fahoriana (Jun 29, 2016)

This poem resonates in the reader's "ear". It has a rhythm almost similar to rap, and I could almost hear the pauses when the speaker took a breath. It's such a beautiful and heartbreaking piece. 
I love how your thoughts flow and guide the reader in this poem; your prominent tone in this poem is a strong point. I feel as though you could accentuate the poignancy of these words if you manipulated the way you rearrange your words in lines. 
For instance, I admire how Lucille Clifton structured "A Dream of Foxes" (the following is an excerpt of this poem, I don't think this is plagiarism?? If it is, sorry, unintentional):

_and when she is not satisfied
who can blame her for refusing to leave,
Master Of The Hunt, why am I not feeding, not being fed?

_versus

_and when she is not satisfied who can blame her for refusing to leave, Master Of The Hunt, why am I not feeding, not being fed?


_


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## nathan sturley (Jun 30, 2016)

TataSweets44 said:


> I feel like I'm just broken pieces of the person that I want to be
> 
> Living in the shadows of the unfulfilled dreams that belong to me
> 
> ...


great stuff. cathartic and zealous and you seem to yearn a lot in your poems. Everyone yearns in life for something or other. I yearn for many things. But then we gotta have yearnings to keep us going. I sometimes get down and neglect my health then other times I am fitness fanatic yearning hugely. I think everyone yearns in life because it gives us motivation but also drags us down when we feel at a low ebb. You express love and regret and hope in a sweet sensitive style. Remember it aint a sprint is a long steeplechase!!!
When I yearn for things and feel full of regret (about 2-4 days a fortnight!) I remember what a wise old owl told me "there's more then one way to skin a cat" I think he meant that while we are alive we can shape things very much so if we endeavor to be creative and we endeavor to love life. I think the reason people here have flocked to praise you, rightly so, it is because we all yearn and feel low like you have expressed. I have experienced multi millionaires who feel utterly alone and no amount of flying here and there around the world eating and shopping helped. Therefore I learned in my own depths of depression that it is never as bad as it seems you just gotta see it in a better light so you can start to shape things better for yourself and your kin. Like it said earlier, start to roar and start to enjoy your life and things will flock to you. 
Of course, you could just be a writer expressing emotions as that is the artistic licence 
I am starting to sound like an agony uncle so I will stop.
But your expressions are strong and you are talented for sure. now start to roar girl!!!


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## TataSweets44 (Jul 6, 2016)

ned said:


> hello - reads like a prose writer having a try at poetry - and good on you for having a go -
> 
> but the language is rather plain for poetry - blunt statements that come across as distinct ideas
> one after the other - but, poetry is really a meld of impressions to hopefully put across the message
> ...



Thank you Ned! I guess you could say that. To be honest before posting on here I thought what I was writing was poetry and had no idea what a vertical prose was. I was just writing how I felt with a rhythem and a rhyme and called it poetry lol. I never studied but I like learning what the people here have to teach. Including you so thanks again!



Fahoriana said:


> This poem resonates in the reader's "ear". It has a rhythm almost similar to rap, and I could almost hear the pauses when the speaker took a breath. It's such a beautiful and heartbreaking piece.
> I love how your thoughts flow and guide the reader in this poem; your prominent tone in this poem is a strong point. I feel as though you could accentuate the poignancy of these words if you manipulated the way you rearrange your words in lines.
> For instance, I admire how Lucille Clifton structured "A Dream of Foxes" (the following is an excerpt of this poem, I don't think this is plagiarism?? If it is, sorry, unintentional):
> 
> ...





nathan sturley said:


> great stuff. cathartic and zealous and you seem to yearn a lot in your poems. Everyone yearns in life for something or other. I yearn for many things. But then we gotta have yearnings to keep us going. I sometimes get down and neglect my health then other times I am fitness fanatic yearning hugely. I think everyone yearns in life because it gives us motivation but also drags us down when we feel at a low ebb. You express love and regret and hope in a sweet sensitive style. Remember it aint a sprint is a long steeplechase!!!
> When I yearn for things and feel full of regret (about 2-4 days a fortnight!) I remember what a wise old owl told me "there's more then one way to skin a cat" I think he meant that while we are alive we can shape things very much so if we endeavor to be creative and we endeavor to love life. I think the reason people here have flocked to praise you, rightly so, it is because we all yearn and feel low like you have expressed. I have experienced multi millionaires who feel utterly alone and no amount of flying here and there around the world eating and shopping helped. Therefore I learned in my own depths of depression that it is never as bad as it seems you just gotta see it in a better light so you can start to shape things better for yourself and your kin. Like it said earlier, start to roar and start to enjoy your life and things will flock to you.
> Of course, you could just be a writer expressing emotions as that is the artistic licence
> I am starting to sound like an agony uncle so I will stop.
> But your expressions are strong and you are talented for sure. now start to roar girl!!!



Oh Nathen you've done it again, my friend. Yes I tend to yearn a lot as expressed in my work. Poetry for me, this year mostly, I tend to lean toward my truest emotions not just emotions most people can relate to they are my heart. Thank you for this advice and you don't sound like an agony uncle lol, it was very helpful. I've found myself struggling with the pen now though (which is why I haven't been around latlely, sorry for that too) and can't find it in myself to write a single thing. Ever have that problem? It's sort of a broken feeling, being...inspirationless. Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll find my way back to it, this isn't my first time at the rodeo, as they say, I always make it back.


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