# Visionary



## jenthepen (Aug 20, 2017)

transient as a smoky cloud
  in a shadowed sky
 reasons and meanings don’t apply
 you don’t ask why you only know
 in that split in the ocean of time
he has managed to shake your world​


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## Squalid Glass (Aug 21, 2017)

The second to last line, while a lovely image, is a bit wordy and throws off the rhythm. I think the rest of the poem works well, but that line is a bit distracting. Too many prepositions/articles in a constrained space, I think.


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## urbandekay (Aug 22, 2017)

I wonder if 'in the' in the penultimate line is not redundant?


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## Pete_C (Aug 22, 2017)

Just to chuck the metaphorical cat into the flock of pigeons, I think the line that makes this work is the penultimate one. For me it has more strength and imagery than the others, and until it appeared I felt the whole piece was a bit bland and predictable. 

For me, the 'smoky cloud in the shadowed sky' wasn't strong; I'd also argue that it isn't transient, more just difficult to identify. That said, maybe transient is the wrong word, as the piece is about a revelation of emotion rather than something lost or dissipating.

The sky/apply/why rhyme, whilst not typical, felt a little awkward.

If this was mine, I'd start with the last two lines and work backwards, allowing the poem to build up to them.


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## escorial (Aug 22, 2017)

last line..who's he...


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## Firemajic (Aug 22, 2017)

jenthepen said:


> transient as a smoky cloud
> in a shadowed sky
> reasons and meanings don’t apply
> you don’t ask why you only know
> ...





Jen, this poem left me with more questions than answers, and I guess that is not a bad thing..
" transient as a smoky cloud"... transient... means "passing through"... not permanent.. so, he was passing through... "reasons and meanings don't apply".... here is a big question... what meanings don't apply to WHAT? Of course I am intrigued! This is very evocative and mysterious... 

and the title.... I am trying to use that as a clue.... yes, this is mysterious!


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## midnightpoet (Aug 22, 2017)

"Smoky cloud" stopped me, reminded me of the old song "Green Door" "Saw an eyeball peekin' through a smoky cloud..."  Now I've got an ear worm; seriously, I did like it, although seemed somewhat clichéd. Keep writing.


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## jenthepen (Aug 22, 2017)

Squalid Glass said:


> The second to last line, while a lovely image, is a bit wordy and throws off the rhythm. I think the rest of the poem works well, but that line is a bit distracting. Too many prepositions/articles in a constrained space, I think.



Thanks for the observation, SG. I understand what you are saying but I  can't come up with a way to express the idea any other way. I was trying  to connect to the 'transient' in the first line - trying to describe an  incidental experience or meeting that drops into a life unplanned and  has an effect out of all proportion to expectations. 



urbandekay said:


> I wonder if 'in the' in the penultimate line is not redundant?



Thanks for the suggestion, ud. I'm trying to describe a short, almost instantaneous lapse of time - like 'split second' and without 'in the' it sounds like time is split, rather than a period of time. I think?



Pete_C said:


> Just to chuck the metaphorical cat into the flock of pigeons, I think the line that makes this work is the penultimate one. For me it has more strength and imagery than the others, and until it appeared I felt the whole piece was a bit bland and predictable.
> 
> For me, the 'smoky cloud in the shadowed sky' wasn't strong; I'd also argue that it isn't transient, more just difficult to identify. That said, maybe transient is the wrong word, as the piece is about a revelation of emotion rather than something lost or dissipating.
> 
> ...



Thanks, Pete. I'm relieved that you connected with the disputed line because it is the heart of the poem for me too.
 Interesting observation about the smoky cloud thing - I think you're right. Thanks! Transient is the right word, it's the imagery that's wrong. Then again, maybe 'fleeting' is nearer to what I want?

Ha, I hadn't even noticed the 'sky' rhyme. I was trying to rhyme 'apply' and 'why' to give a natural pause after 'why' but maybe it's not working.

Appreciate the detailed critique. Thanks again.



escorial said:


> last line..who's he...



Now, that's a question, esc.  Of course, it could be 'she' - depends on who the 'you' is really.



Firemajic said:


> Jen, this poem left me with more questions than answers, and I guess that is not a bad thing..
> " transient as a smoky cloud"... transient... means "passing through"... not permanent.. so, he was passing through... "reasons and meanings don't apply".... here is a big question... what meanings don't apply to WHAT? Of course I am intrigued! This is very evocative and mysterious...
> 
> and the title.... I am trying to use that as a clue.... yes, this is mysterious!



I'm glad you were intrigued, Fire but how can I give you answers? A mystery explained is no mystery at all.  The reasons and meanings bit, though, is all about understanding through intuition. That's all the clues you're getting. layful:


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## escorial (Aug 22, 2017)

Your reply to my ?...adds to the piece..cracking poem


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## jenthepen (Aug 22, 2017)

midnightpoet said:


> "Smoky cloud" stopped me, reminded me of the old song "Green Door" "Saw an eyeball peekin' through a smoky cloud..."  Now I've got an ear worm; seriously, I did like it, although seemed somewhat clichéd. Keep writing.



That was my sister's favourite song! Damn, now I have an ear worm too,


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## Firemajic (Aug 22, 2017)

jenthepen said:


> transient as a smoky cloud
> in a shadowed sky
> reasons and meanings don’t apply
> you don’t ask why you only know
> ...





Okkk, don't laugh... well, if you must... but this is kinda how I felt watching the eclipse....


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## jenthepen (Aug 22, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Okkk, don't laugh... well, if you must... but this is kinda how I felt watching the eclipse....



Now you got it!


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## Firemajic (Aug 22, 2017)

jenthepen said:


> Now you got it!




:champagne::champagne::eagerness::champagne::champagne::champagne::eagerness:



FABULOUS!!!!!!!!


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Aug 23, 2017)

I find it so deep during those two last lines, the rest I find meh..


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## jenthepen (Aug 23, 2017)

Thanks to everyone for all the help and suggestions. I rewrote the first two lines. Better? Worse? I'd appreciate any comments.

                        Revision

A momentary variation
in the status quo
 reasons and meanings don’t apply
 you don’t ask why you only know
 in that split in the ocean of time
 he has managed to shake your world


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