# Scores: May 2022



## Harper J. Cole (Jun 3, 2022)

Slight delay with these results, as my computer went on strike for a day. Here we go...


TitleS J WardArrowInTheBowOfTheLordMegan PearsonVrangerAverageThe Hidden Life by PrairieHostage13.511.518.251514⁹⁄₁₆​My Angel Evelyn by RosesPoetryOfficial151313.512.513½​Dr. Curt Richter’s Rats by Vodyanik1411.514.51313¼​Unfiltered by Quelhallow15.517.51917.517⅜​*1*My Forest Dove by CyberWar14.513.5171515​Burning Wings by Elle_Kay8312816.51412⅝​When all the lights went out by twinmommy111312.51017.51413½​In a dark place, you need a candle by Sinister16.51417.251816⁷⁄₁₆​*3*Subject Matter by Ibb15.51716.51716½​*2*

So our medallists are as follows, with a first-time winner, I believe...

1st: Unfiltered _by Quelharrow_
2nd: Subject Matter _by Ibb_
3rd: In a dark place, you need a candle _by Sinister_

Congratulations to our winners, and many thanks to our fabulous quartet of judges. Here are their comments...




Spoiler: S J Ward's grades



The Hidden Life



SPAG3.5

T&V4.0

Evaluation3.5

Reaction2.5



Total13.5



I felt there were a few comma problems and a few words that would fit more comfortably, within the piece.. When a character says ‘don’t’, I feel it would be better served, and more in context with the piece, to have used ‘do not’. The whole piece appears to read as a mix of ‘ancient’ and ‘science fiction’.

Some lovely imagery in the opening paragraph. ‘Like a raft of seabirds… feet shuffled… robes swayed. Tonally great

Generally good, but it did throw up a lot more questions than answers. Possibly because of the 650 word confines.

I was left wanting to know more about the people involved, I feel more explanation of them would have helped. Without it, it’s a little confusing. This work needs to be longer and read with more explanation.

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My Angel Evelyn



SPAG3.5

T&V3.5

Evaluation3.5

Reaction4.5



Total15.0

A very quick emotional response to this one. On paper it looks too bulky. It doesn’t look pretty, and that makes it feel harder to read. But it is worth reading!

I would have liked to have seen some sentence structures altered, in particular— ‘...making candles for years; French immigrants…Generations of men…’ I found that particular one awkward to read and it reduced the flow. Might be because I’m British, but ‘living off of these candles’ doesn’t work for me.

Initial thought as I read, I thought the MC was a woman, and not Adam. Just a little confusion for a moment.

But wow! The end justifies the difficulty. What a shock. As the story is written I was not expecting that sudden turn of events. Story-wise I loved it.



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Dr. Curt Richter’s Rats



SPAG3.5

T&V3.5

Evaluation3.0

Reaction4.0



Total14.0



Too many commas distracted me from the reading somewhat. Maybe these could have been eliminated to a degree with use of M dashes and periods. One particular word stuck out in the piece. ‘Starve’. I feel like it would have been better if— ‘the only other option was starve.’ became either ‘the only other option was to starve.’ or ‘ the only other option was starvation.’

One other formulation of words gave me grief— ‘He wouldn’t have to have done what he had…’

On saying that, and even though you made the MC so impersonal by only referring to him as ‘the man’, it works. Within the 650 words, you find yourself developing an affinity with the character. You actually want him to survive. So it’s a quite cleverly laid out story and a good read.



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Unfiltered



SPAG4.5

T&V4.0

Evaluation3.5

Reaction3.5



Total15.5



Couldn’t find much wrong with this from a SPAG point of view. Nicely punctuated and, as with all the works in this competition, no real spelling mistakes.

I do think that where you have written— ‘not wearing his face’ leading into the part about him ‘looking adequately bored’ it could be altered slightly. I misconstrued it (How can he look bored, without a face?). Maybe by italics on the ‘his’. Ie ‘not wearing _his_ face.’

Some lovely imagery going on with ‘intestinal wires.’ In fact, I enjoyed seeing where this piece was going and I certainly enjoyed the lead up to the end. I felt It just deserved more shock value rather than a plaintive goodnight.





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Gooey Bits



SPAG4.0

T&V4.5

Evaluation3.5

Reaction3.5



Total 15.5



Couldn’t find much wrong, but I didn’t like the use of the semi-colon especially in the line— ‘death remained elusive; what the f…’ I think it could have been replaced with a period.

Even though there are quite a lot of commas in the piece it didn’t detract from the reading of it.

I loved the use of the cat and its curiosity with the work, and I liked the humorous way in which the whole piece was written

It did take more than one reading to fully understand though, it wasn’t an instant realisation for me.

Overall the Tone and voice is excellent, just right. And the humour comes through in droves.





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My Forest Dove



SPAG3.5

T&V4.5

Evaluation3.5

Reaction3.0



Total14.5



I noticed one thing immediately, the use of the word ‘fumes’ when describing the dry ice mist. I think it would be better to have replaced this word, because, to my understanding, fumes smell. And dry ice mist… doesn’t.

The lighter is pondered over too much and the action is stated apparently twice.. Regarding the cigarettes. ‘she’s forgotten hers back home.’ doesn’t read well, maybe better. ‘she’s left hers back home.’

However, in spite of what I’ve noticed, the language really works well in this piece. It needs to be simple to accentuate the simple pleasure of a moonlight swim with a loved one. So the tone and voice work really well.



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Burning Wings



SPAG2.0

T&V3.5

Evaluation2.5

Reaction4.0



Total12.0



I struggled with the grammar and certain words here. ‘When it meets the was which it melted.’ I couldn’t understand what it should allude to. ‘And our hope bedazzles us and dim our mind.’ I think should be ‘dims’. There are other segments too where the piece struggles. ‘Unrealizing’ would be better replaced by ‘Not realizing’.

However, with the SPaG errors aside, this piece offers some fantastic imagery.

‘The faith in the light in front of us—that tempts us with love and life, hopes and dreams…’ Beautiful! A mix of poetry and prose, provoking a strong reaction.

I hope the narrator finds a better man!

I’m of the assumption that this is not your first language. It’s hellish good if it isn’t.



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When all the lights went out



SPAG3.0

T&V3.5

Evaluation3.0

Reaction3.0



Total12.5



I feel that there are some superfluous parts to this piece. ‘It was her vehicle but was fitted out…’ ‘her vehicle’ has already been covered in the previous sentence. ‘her undercover police-cruiser’.

There is also an apparent tense issue. Confusion hit me as I didn’t know whether it should be all in the present or the past.

What’s a frig? Did you mean fridge?

But. The story ‘spoke’ to me in a way I could hear an officer doing so, in a courtroom. Like it was read from a notebook. That was clever.

I would have liked the story to have been more resolved, rather than leaving me wondering. What’s going to happen next? I think with some of the superfluous additions removed, this could have been achieved.



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In a dark place, you need a candle



SPAG4.5

T&V4.5

Evaluation4.0

Reaction3.5



Total16.5



I have real trouble here.

There’s wonderful use of simile in the first paragraph. ‘It would drown like the musings of a piano…’

Written well but I did smile at the view in the mirror, an ‘unnoticed smile’, it seemed so obvious that the boy was alone. (understood why it was there about half way through, when the whole work made sense)

However my reaction to the whole was tainted because the ending seemed too obvious to me.

Lovely use at the end when revisiting the start ‘the candlelight was drowned in the cold light of morning’. Can’t really fault it! Just my reaction to it.





Spoiler: ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord's scores



*The Hidden Life by Anonymous

SPaG: 3.5/5*
_More the low sound of a ringing bowl, echoed ahead. _Something about this fragment is off. You could say “The low sound of a ringing bowl echoed ahead.” Or, “the low sound of a ringing bowl, echoing ahead.”

_“She has said her great yes.”_ This isn’t necessarily grammatically wrong, but it’s confusing. Putting ‘yes’ in italics or having small quotes around it might help.

_“...of the planet.” The Essenes sang._ This should be “...of the planet,” the Essenes sang.

_Pliny, the historian asked._ Needs a comma after ‘historian.’

_“It seems unfair so many will not grasp for centuries,” Pliny, the geographer, well traveled and in love with many cultures._ Either turn the tag into a fragment with a period after ‘centuries,’ or include a ‘said’ in the tag, like: “...centuries,” Pliny, the well-traveled geographer, said.

*Tone & Voice: 2.5/5*
A bit clunky at times, but with some nice imagery. The description of the flames and the fresco was a nice touch, as were the last couple sentences, which I found had a pleasant but mysterious ring.

You used a lot of fragments, which, while acceptable in moderation, made the prose feel a bit choppy. Some of your metaphors were hard to picture, such as: _She was almost transparent, like a mirror._ ‘Transparent’ causes me to imagine something which light shines _through_, such as a crystal or a window, whereas a mirror _reflects _light.

*Evaluation: 2.5/5*
You put a clear and interesting picture in my head of this secret meeting, but I found the opening confusing, because I couldn’t tell whether it was one group of people, or two groups approaching each other, and I wasn’t sure which group Parakletos was part of.

You introduce a lot of characters in a very short space of time, and it’s hard to feel the significance of every character when they only have a sentence or two each. Nevertheless, I still found myself fascinated and curious.

There are some interesting thematic threads—hiddenness, of course, and light/fire vs dark, and obscurity vs clarity.

The story itself is very obscured. This could have punctuated the themes, if I felt there was more for me, as a reader, to go on. While I think you’re trying to draw out a contrast between clearness/light and obscurity/dark, in the story itself, the reader is left almost entirely “in the dark.” There’s a lot of unanswered questions: Why does Losephos become less, and Panagia more? Are the twelve men the twelve apostles of Jesus? Are there two Plinys (one a historian, and one a geographer) or only one? What are the Essenes planning to do, and for what have they been waiting? Are their intentions for good or for evil? Despite the assurance of the last line, there is very little clarity here, and even in a mysterious, open-ended story it is important to leave the reader some ‘crumbs’ to be able to pick up one what’s going on, so that by the end there’s a sense of satisfaction as they have figured out at least part of the mystery.

*Reaction: 3/5*
I like the atmosphere in the story, and the historical references create some automatic interest for me.

Overall, the story was intriguing, but almost none of my questions were answered by the end. Your words painted a good picture and drew my interest, but I was disappointed because I was left an eavesdropper on secrets and mysterious words, but never given a key to their meaning.

Favorite line: _When he rose and the others had gone ahead, he saw with clarity wherever her feet had tread._

*Total: 11.5/20*

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*Dr. Curt Richter's Rats by Vodyanik

SPaG: 2.5/5*
You switch the tense twice in the beginning. The first two sentences are in present tense, then from “His long hair…” to “...light it cast” is in past tense, and then “The man swears…” on is in present tense again.

_Still, it was him in these chains. It was him who the Shadows were craving._ This flips back to past tense, too.

At the end, starting from “He could only whimper,” you switch back to past tense. It’s important to keep the tense consistent so that it’s not confusing for the reader. Personally, I use past tense unless I have a specific artistic reason for using present tense, but that is my opinion and not a rule.

_...hoarse sounds escaping him; the rattle of chains filling the near silence. _First, I think there should be a hyphen for ‘near-silence.’ Second, that last clause is a dependent clause, so there needs to be a comma there instead of a semicolon. Or, you could turn it into an independent clause by saying, “The rattle of chains fills the near-silence.”

_…down it’s body. …coated it’s surface. …in it’s chains. _Remove the apostrophes here. When ‘its’ is possessive, it doesn’t have an apostrophe. It only has an apostrophe when it’s a contraction for ‘it is.’

_…the mans throat. _Don’t forget your apostrophe here!

*Tone & Voice: 3.5/5*
The first line is great. I see and feel the image right away. The tense switches make the story confusing to read, but I can see why you were considering present tense, as the tone is immediate and visceral. You choose to remain in this unnamed man’s head, which means that we don’t get a lot of context for why he is here, but it does create immediate emotional impact.

*Evaluation: 3/5*
The back-and-forth between the Shadows and the candle, the desire for the protagonist to survive, and the general weirdness, kept me reading.

The title tells me that the Shadows are, perhaps, rats, but other than that the story is mostly hint and suggestion. I don’t get a strong sense for the world of the story, other than that it is, like most societies, unjust to its poor. I’d like to know the protagonist better—what did he do? How did he end up here (in a more specific sense)? I want to know him better so that it impacts me more when he finally does give up. I think you could replace the general hints about the upper class, etc. with a specific story of a specific man.

The immediate segments, however, were good.

*Reaction: 2.5/5*
A dark story, with some gripping elements. The generic-ness of the protagonist cut against it, for me, since we are in his head the whole time, and I wish we’d gotten a wider view of the experiment and what was going on. But the war between the candle and the Shadows, seemingly driven by the man’s will to live, was really interesting.

Favorite line: _His body went limp in its chains. And then the flame went out._

*Total: 11.5/20*


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*Unfiltered by Quelhallow

SPaG: 5/5*
No mistakes. 

*Tone & Voice: 4/5*
Straightforward, clear, and I can picture everything seamlessly. Your descriptions of the setting are particularly vivid. The voice disappears in the best way possible. The only hiccups for me were “she was _suddenly _Vietnamese” (the ‘suddenly’ actually makes it less sudden and could be cut), and “cragged and crooked in all the right ways” (I’m not sure what that looks like. Can you be cragged in the wrong ways?).

*Evaluation: 4.5/5*
A really solid and satisfying story, well-paced from beginning to end. I like that the hero knows what he believes and is unfazed, even facing death. He’s likable even without knowing his backstory or specific motivations.

You do a good job of setting up a believable and vivid world in a short period of time. I can see this as a possible future, and can relate to the protagonist’s rebellion against such a future.

My one quibble is: if he had already put the virus in, why was he still fiddling with the computer? It made for a good ‘gotcha’ moment but it was a logic hole.

*Reaction: 4/5*
I liked this. Besides the logic quibble, it’s a great, compact story.

Favorite lines:
_“Didn’t take you long,” he grunted, twisting his multi-tool to pop off a circuit board.

“Mr. Fernandez, isn’t it?” the well-dressed gentleman said behind him. He held a pistol casually in both hands, one finger tapping the barrel._

*Total: 17.5/20*


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*Subject Matter by Ibb

SPaG: 4.5/5*
_…he scribed one last final note to his landlord (‘F*** you, you b***!’) threw…_ I think this needs a comma after the parenthesis.

_…memories come swiftly then gone…_ I think the ‘come’ here should be ‘coming,’ to match with the earlier part of the sentence.

*Tone & Voice: 5/5*
The dry, surreal, gallows-humor-yet-whimsical tone is perfect for the story.

Only here: _returning one foot to the earth…_ Aren’t both feet already on the earth? Or am I picturing it wrong?

*Evaluation: 4.5/5*
The “And then another crazy thing happened!” structure actually works for the story, because the feeling of random happenstance fits the surrealism well. And, of course, it sets up well for the punchline at the end. It reads like a long, dark, very weird joke.

I stumbled here: _“You see,” he went on, entirely unbothered… _At first I thought it was the poet speaking. Changing the ‘he’ pronoun to ‘the philosopher’ would fix it, I think.

*Reaction: 3/5*
_“Excuse me…” He turned around to find a gun pointed directly at his head. “I was trying to be nice…”

And in that moment the poet understood that he wasn’t suicidal at all; he was merely narcissistic. Death, presented outside his control, was no longer appealing. _My favorite lines in the story. Chesterton’s _Manalive _test—is a pessimist still a pessimist with a pistol to his head?

This is classic Ibb—a lot of oddly fascinating weirdness and grotesquery, ending with a simple punchline. I like the bizarrity (LOVE the cat at the end), but some of the grossness was unnecessary, to my taste. And I can’t help wishing that the poet had learned something, even though the story is more structurally perfect without it.

*Total: 17/20*
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*My Forest Dove by Cyberwar

SPaG: 4.5/5*
_What’s there to be shy about, I just don’t get…_ This could either be “What’s there to be shy about? I just don’t get it.” Or “What there is to be shy about, I just don’t get.”

*Tone & Voice: 3/5*
I can see and feel the pond, the candle, and the water; the smells and sensations stand out in this story. However, there isn’t as much passion and emotion as I would expect in the 1st-person POV of a young man in love. I would’ve liked to feel more emotional connection to the prose.

*Evaluation: 3/5*
This is a sweet moment of a story. The setting is lovely and I like that you put me right there with the characters. That said, there is very little movement in the story. I understand that this is a subtle, character-driven story, but their relationship is at the exact same place at the end as at the beginning. A deepening emotional connection, a turn or surprise, a clearer understanding of the other—all these are quiet ways which could have provided movement and a sense of closure.

I also would have liked to see what makes their relationship special.

*Reaction: 3/5*
It’s a pleasant story, and enjoyable in a sensory way, but for me the emotional atmosphere didn’t quite land—I didn’t _feel _the passion, for the most part. The lack of motion made the ending lack closure.

Favorite line: _The bittersweet smell of the water lilies and the scent of Leni’s hair is driving me mad, and I am glad my parents aren’t home tonight._

*Total: 13.5/20*


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*Burning Wings by Elle_Kay83

SPaG: 2/5*
You switched between past and present tense a lot, as well as switching POV in the middle of paragraphs which can be confusing. Sometimes you spoke from the 3rd person; other times it was ‘we’ or ‘I’ or ‘you.’ Additionally, there were other grammar errors—I didn’t include all the ones I caught, but there were some comma splices as well as word choice mistakes. Some of the phrasing was also awkward in a way I couldn’t put my finger on.

_My eyes, the facets in them are tempted by the light… _Maybe this is meant to be a fragment, but it doesn’t read correctly to my eye. Maybe: “My eyes and the facets in them are tempted by the light,” or “The facets of my eyes are tempted by the light.”

_So bright most of the time, with small interruptions of the flame with a crackling sound or even a quiet hissing, when it meets the was which it melted._ Can’t understand this fragment. “Meets the was which it melted”?

_…lightning up the dark…_ I think you mean ‘lightening’ or ‘lighting.’ ‘Lightning’ is a noun, not a verb.

_Unrealized what might happen._ Should be “Not realizing what might happen.”

_…dim our mind._ Should be “dims our mind.”

*Tone & Voice: 2/5*
Some of your phrasing is lovely, such as “covered in a fine dust of faith.” I liked that. But the repetition was often too much, and the voice was distant and sometimes abstracted. While repetition can be useful, when used too much, it loses its impact, and when used without clear intention, it is distracting. For example: _“How could you resist that?” “Can you resist that?” “Why should I resist all of that?” … _There isn’t a clear reason why this phrase should be repeated (with slight variation) three times. Words like “hopes and dreams” are repeated so often that they lose their power.

At times I note more archaic usages such as “bedazzled.” Also, I feel that the use of exclamation marks became too much. That’s a trap that I can fall into—exclamation marks are generally better if used sparingly.

*Evaluation: 2/5*
I think this story is meant to be an extended metaphor. The butterflies are us with our desires, and the candle is the dangerous, consumptive nature that desire can hold. But there’s also an element of romantic love and lust—are the butterflies, in this case, naïve lovers, and the candle a dangerous beloved?

While I can enjoy pure rhetoric, I wish this story was less generalized and abstract. You partially explain the metaphor very early (and throughout), but never fully explain it. It feels like a lot of narrative space is given to explaining the concepts instead of evoking the action. And, strangely, I never feel like I fully understand the metaphor. I also think the constant POV-switching makes it hard to connect to the narrative.

Concepts and ideas were often repeated, too, which gave the story a static feeling, even though there is movement as the butterfly draws closer to the candle.

*Reaction: 2/5*
I did think the imagery was often good, and I liked the story’s ‘skeleton’—the metaphor of a butterfly flying towards a candle. But the ‘meat’ felt lacking. There was a lot of repetition and a lot of theme-explaining, but little concrete and specific story to draw me in.

Favorite line: _Our wings are made of dreams, hopes, and desires, covered in a fine dust of faith._

*Total: 8/20*
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*My Angel Evelyn by RosesPoetryOfficial

SPaG: 3/5*
The formatting is a problem. When formatting in web format, you have to put extra lines between the paragraphs, because without indentation it just reads like one solid block of text.

There were some other grammar errors, too. I didn’t record them all, but I noticed some punctuation problems.

_My family had been making candles for years; French immigrants bound for success in hallowed America. _An EM dash would fit here better than a semicolon, as the second clause is dependent.

_I would out do him in every way._ It is unclear who the ‘him’ refers to (to me) until much later in the paragraph, which made this part confusing for me to read.

_Only story I kept from Evelyn, those beautiful ears shouldn’t hear such vulgar language. … Humans are ridiculously useful, pounds of fat rich with profit just left to rot. _I understand you are using fragments for effect, but the commas here doesn’t seem to work. Maybe colons or EM dashes?

_…carved from his waist, thighs, and arms and left them to dry…_ Does the ‘them’ refer to the body parts themselves, or the fat? If it’s the first I think it should be “carved off his…” and if it’s the second it should be “carved the fat from his waist, thighs, and arms and left it to dry…”

_Selfish, selfish Evelyn never happy with anything. _A comma should be after ‘Evelyn.’

_vanilla infused…_ Needs a hyphen.

*Tone & Voice: 3.5/5*
You capture the dark, obsessive nature of the narrator well. “My gorgeous girl” and “ridiculously useful” strike me as diction slips, since you are using a more old-fashioned voice (naturally) for the rest of the narrative. You use fragments a lot, which sometimes gives it a choppy feel.

*Evaluation: 4/5*
This is a story that uses telling well, since the voice is strong and the slow revelation of the protagonist’s increasing self-delusion is effective.

Usually clichés don’t bother me, but in this case I felt that the one-note nature of Evelyn created detachment from the narrative. I wanted to be sad when she died, and not just horrified.

But overall, the pacing is good, the voice lands, and all the space in the story is used effectively.

*Reaction: 2.5/5*
I admire how you are able to compact a lot into a very short space. It was a story that elicited disgust and horror, as was your intent. Personally, I found it hollow and a tad predictable, but that’s partially my taste.

Favorite lines:_ Candle after candle left that factory and slowly filled my home. Every surface littered with her. Who was I if not Adam, a man of mud and breath, second only to G-d._

*Total: 13/20*
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*When all the Lights Went Out by twinmommy1113

SPaG: 3.5/5*
_til’ _When you are abbreviating ‘until,’ the apostrophe should be in front of the t.

_Completely annoyed she abandoned… _You need a comma after ‘annoyed.’

_frig._ ‘Fridge’?

_sifts_ Should be ‘sifted.’

_Carefully making her way outside she immediately felt the sense she wasn’t alone in the alley. She started to speed up to get to her car the flame from her candle started to waver._ There should be a comma after ‘outside’ and either a semicolon or new sentence between ‘her car’ and ‘the flame.’

*Tone & Voice: 2/5*
The prose was relatively smooth, if workaday and somewhat distant. The voice treats 90% of the action as set-up, which creates disconnect for me as a reader. There were also some cliches such as “frustrated beyond all belief” and odd constructions such as “trudged carefully” (is the heavy, weary action of trudging done carefully?).

Some of your phrasing was awkward, creating unnecessary distance between the action and the reader. For example: “The most major one was of a tourist ignoring a crosswalk and barely being missed by the car in front of her.” It would be more immediate and elegant to phrase it like, “The car in front of her swerved, barely missing a tourist ignoring a crosswalk.” Similarly, “she abandoned the action of taking her boots off” would sound better as “she stopped taking her boots off” or “she abandoned her boots”.

*Evaluation: 2.5/5*
The story had a noir atmosphere, with a supernatural intrusion at the end. But most of it feels like it is setting up for something longer and more interesting, which we don’t get to see. The protagonist is an undercover cop, but this does not appear to influence the final story in any way. Different elements (an unsolved murder, the girl and her mother, even the blackout itself) occur but don’t lead up to anything. Eventually, the protagonist goes to her car and is attacked by a supernatural force, but who or what this force is, the reader does not know. It is a lot of atmosphere and set-up, but it does not really go anywhere meaningful.

It’s important in flash fiction to only include the details that really impact the plot, so that space can be given to the actual story. Flash is hard for that reason—the amount of set-up and ‘build’ is really different than in a novel.

*Reaction: 2/5*
I like the atmosphere, but I found the story lacking.

Favorite line: _“Miss me, Maddy? I missed you.”_

*Total: 10/20*


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*In a Dark Place, You Need a Candle by Sinister

SPaG: 3.5/5*
_Candlelight is only resplendent in darkness, nowhere else is it noticed or loved. _There should be a semicolon instead of a comma.

_His light steps, thin legs with hard-soled shoes rattled across the old floors to the great brass mirror by his father's portrait. _There’s a missing comma here somewhere—you could write it as “His light steps, hard-soled shoes on thin legs, rattled across the old floors…’’

_"You're fancy." She said…_ This should be: “You’re fancy,” she said.

_"You're in a night gown." The boy countered…_ This should be “You’re in a night gown,” the boy countered.

_the floating Candlesticks._ Capitalization error.

_…the boy and girl poured stories back and forth and trading jokes._ Should be “and traded jokes,” to match the earlier part of the sentence.

*Tone & Voice: 3/5*
This story has a gentle, subtle voice which I enjoy. It shines the most when describing the little ghosts and their interactions. The last paragraph is especially good.

This part of the introduction was awkward: _If eyes are the windows to the soul and windows were the eyes of a house, then a person could proclaim the house soulless and blind. And despite humanity's hatred of dwellings without dwellers and nature's loathing of vacuums, the house was empty of life._

It feels like a lot of introduction to say that the house was empty, and a lot of abstraction to describe its abandoned state. And phrasing like “a person could proclaim” kind of stumbles; to my ear, it would sound better to say, “If eyes are the windows to the soul, and windows are the eyes of the house, then this house was soulless and blind.”

_unnoticed smile._ What do you mean by this? Who would be there to notice it?

_Sometimes running about the house, playing tag._ This fragment didn’t quite land for me, and just read like a grammar error.

Overall, though, I enjoyed the voice and it put a clear picture in my mind of the house and its inhabitants.

*Evaluation: 3.5/5*
This is mostly a mood piece, but I think it works. The motion is subtle, but is still there—the meeting between the two ghosts creates change, and while mystery remains, I find the ending satisfying. The reference to the first lines draws the story full-circle.

However, the pacing feels imbalanced. The introduction of the little-girl ghost seems to come a little late, and too much space is given to the description of the mirror, I thought. I think the story may have allowed more movement, and more development of their relationship, if she was introduced earlier. More space could have been given to questions like, _Why is Nichole in the house? Does he know her from his previous life? _The mention of the portrait of his father is never followed up on, as well. Some mystery is acceptable, though.

*Reaction: 4/5*
I enjoyed reading this quite a bit! It’s a good ghost story without ever using the word ‘ghost,’ and the character interactions are subtle but effective. The descriptions are moody and evocative. Good job!

Favorite lines: _Sharing a last grinning look, they placed their hands along the broken glass and watched as white light burst toward the house. The candlelight was drowned in the cold light of morning._

*Total: 14/20*


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Spoiler: Megan Pearson's scores



*Anon, The Hidden Life

SPaG: 4.75/5
T&V: 5.00/5
Eval: 4.50/5
Reac: 4.00/5
TOTAL: 18.25

Overall:*
Very creative! I love the sense of mystery and the artful retelling of an actual historical event. (For those not in the know, the Essenes hid what we today call the Dead Sea Scrolls from the Romans. Some believe these may have been the scrolls from the Jewish temple library.) I’m thinking this should be read in a metaphorical sense, as the names chosen represent specific persons (Mary, Joseph, and the Holy Spirit) and the events seem to occur out-of-time in a way that will affect the very events of time.

While I get I think I ‘get’ a lot of the references you are making within the story (such as with _hiddenness_, such as in Isa. 64:4?), I am not so sure that I know what you’re after. What I mean is, although I can read into the story a number of different meanings, no single meaning emerges out of the text. The Essenes were not, after all, Christians, and they rejected that Jesus was the Messiah. Because of this I cannot picture them giving a nod toward Christian doctrine. Maybe some additional context would help clear up what you were after?

Regarding SPaG: On “No. More….” The period stops the reader. Try “No; more…” Also, "well traveled" is typically well-traveled.





*Vodyanik, Dr. Curt Richter’s Rats

SPaG: 3.0/5
T&V: 4.5/5
Eval: 4.0/5
Reac: 3.0/5
TOTAL: 14.5

Overall:*
I felt such sympathy for your poor wretch! Such torture! Such injustice! I liked how we came to understand _something_ more about the man’s predicament as he died and came to see how he felt about it throughout his moving—and disturbing—death scene. I think clearing up the tense issue will help its T&V and the general Eval. As far as my own reaction, I was delightfully grossed out. Yep—not my choice of reading. So, good job on its morbidity! Only, I am sure that I do not understand what the story is about.

What I noticed on SPaG: The story begins in the present tense but ends in the past tense with shifts between the two in-between. The flashbacks and other descriptions seem ok, it’s just what’s happening in the present that seems to waver between the now and then. For example, the past-tense participle of _go_ is used in “went limp.” Should it be, “goes limp”? Also, missed a possessive apostrophe: mans s/b man’s. And on “an option other than starve,” is starve supposed to be a bare infinitive, or should it be preceded with the participle _to_?



*Quelhallow, Unfiltered

SPaG: 5.0/5
T&V: 4.5/5
Eval: 5.0/5
Reac: 4.5/5
TOTAL: 19.0

Overall:*
I love how you jump right into the setting. It foreshadowed the importance of taking as genuine that which should be genuine—which is who we are, despite our looks or technical improvements. I think this piece captures the true spirit of SF as a morality play, warning us against taking our tech more seriously than our true selves.

One device that really stood out to me as very well done was your 3x repetition of having “paid…money for the graft,” for the retinal replacement, and for the information. This is a technique from the fairytale that I think works really well for SF, particularly in this flash-fiction form.

I didn’t like the use of profanity here. John Gardener wrote—it was either in his _The Art of Fiction_ or _On Becoming a Novelist_—that the language we use tells the reader what we think of our art. If it’s crass art, then let it be crass. But if our art is fine art, then let it be fine. And surely your piece is about being genuine—certainly a finer thing—so perhaps our narrator is purposefully interjecting a crass tone? But the word choice is jarring—detracting even—from the mood of the piece. Being genuine isn’t about being ugly, it’s about being honest. At least for me, as one reader, I took it that what Mr. Fernandez sought was truth and not a cheap exposé of ugliness.



*Ibb, Subject Matter

SPaG: 4.0/5
T&V: 3.5/5
Eval: 4.5/5
Reac: 4.5/5
TOTAL: 16.5

Overall:*
Humorous! I love the opening line! And the absolutely disgusting ending fit the story in a very humorous way. This piece doesn’t seek to take itself seriously but it does convey a simple truth, one we can all relate to: how should we overcome writer’s block?

What I noticed about the SPaG. Both sentences containing “splat; whereupon” and “elusive; what” might make for a stronger voice if separated by a period and not a semi-colon. Also, “god awful” should be godawful. Surprisingly, I really liked the run-on sentences. It seemed they hurried the pacing along and worked well to convey that a brief amount of time had passed.

Finally, about the Eval. For a short story, where we’re usually wrapping things up at the end, at the end of this story we meet a prostitute, a detective, and a cat. I find there is some conflict here with the pacing that is already in place. Because of this, these later additions (made in a rapid, 1-2-3 style) strike this reader as being a bit ad-hoc. At least, until we get to the final sentence of the story. It is a simple declaration that really does tie everything together nicely.


*CyberWar, My Forest Dove

SPaG: 5.0/5
T&V: 4.0/5
Eval: 5.0/5
Reac: 3.0/5
TOTAL: 17

Overall:*
This story is tastefully and carefully written in a way that allows it to unfold naturally from the main character. The first-person point of view yields a sense of discovery of love. However, I am concerned that the only real growth we find in our MC is that he names his love for his forest dove. (Thus, is this self-love?) Yet, he seems almost too content to change. What is at stake here? Answering that might bring this story into sharper focus.

I am curious as to whether this next was intentional or not. The main character is proud of his sweetheart and of their “pure, untainted love.” At the same time, he is glad his parents aren’t home tonight. If this contrast was intentional, it is very well done. It implies we might have an unreliable narrator, for if their love is so pure and untainted then the narrator would not be seeking to do something that goes against his parent’s wishes. It would seem, in hiding from his parents, that he is demonstrating that their love really is not as pure as he claims. I like this piece for the reason that maybe there is more going on here than meets the eye. Developing this further could answer the ‘what is at stake’ question.

However, I am not the reader you want for this piece. The idea of kids stealing away to have sex raises the hairs on the back of my neck. Both lose out, particularly the girl who long after the romantic lover has gone off to college to better his life, it’s the girl who gets stuck trying to make ends meet while raising a fatherless infant. It creates an unduly tough life. So, I am sorry but I had to pull the grandma card in reacting to this.



*Elle_Kay83, Burning Wings

SPaG: 4.0/5
T&V: 4.50/5
Eval: 3.50/5
Reac: 4.50/5
TOTAL: 16.5

Overall:*
This is a great piece about someone who’s been burned by love and seeks to warn love’s next victim. Very creative! I liked what you were trying to do with this piece.

I think the entire piece seeks to be an extended metaphor for love. It does this by making a claim of what love is, which is then supported through three further analogies (dreams, hopes, and faith), before ending again at love, but this time it deals with what love is not. In this way, it builds a sort of compound argument. I am very impressed by this as I find that a solid structure translates into a solid piece of writing.

However, I am concerned that the mixed metaphor the argument depends upon doesn’t work. Here’s what I mean:

Premise 1 (as Metaphor1): “The candlelight’s flame …[is] as the desire that might kill you”
Premise 2 (as Metaphor 2): “Love is like candlelight”
Implied conclusion: _love might kill you_

The problem with this, despite its creativity, is that I—the reader—am left asking the question, _then, is this really love?_ That is something the narrator doesn’t ask. Addressing this might strengthen the piece quite a bit.

About SPaG. What is the exclamation mark meant to convey? You might find its use to be more powerful when it is kept to a minimum. The emphasis comes through in the writing, and I think you will find that your writing, too, is strong enough not to need it. This could be one way in which you could strengthen the T&V of your piece. There is also an awkward sentence, “when it meets the *was* which it melted” and a missing possessive ‘s’ on dim. Just some proofreading things that would have improved the piece. Lastly, there is some good repetition here: “the medicine, the elixir, the cure.”

*Matchu, [Unnamed]

SPaG: 2/5
T&V: 5/5
Eval: 5/5
Reac: 5/5
TOTAL: 17

Overall:*
Hey, I know the candle was snuffed on the real submission! I just had to include your ‘erase me’ comment because it was so moving. I mean, this single sentence conveys an entire story, and the sad avatar helps, too, by adding emotional context. I was just so moved that I had to include it in the judging.

I hope you don’t mind that I haven’t given what is here a real-in-depth review. 



*RosesPoetryOfficial, My Angel Evelyn

SPaG: 3.5/5
T&V: 4.5/5
Eval: 3.5/5
Reac: 2.5/5
TOTAL: 13.5

Overall:*
Hmm. Although I am not a fan of morbid tales, there is some very good prose here. Here are some thoughts that might help make this piece more effective in its appeal to horror.

First, consider the paragraph. Whereas the sentence is a complete thought unit, the solitary paragraph should stand on its own as a collection of thought units that convey a single theme or idea. Yet, I counted nine different ideas in the first paragraph. Granted, some ideas build on one another and some provide background. But have you thought of making your last sentence a concluding link to your topic sentence? If you closed—for example—with “[It is the] only story I kept from Evelyn,” it would create a bookend for the shelf upon which all of these ideas helped explain.

Second, some SPaG stuff. “Out do” should be "outdo." Who’s the ‘him’ in “this enraged _him_”? Sure, the reader can—and does—figure it out, but identifying who a him or her is at the outset of a sentence also clarifies who is being addressed by a subsequent ‘he’ or ‘she’. Some trouble with clauses here: “So logically he…,” should be “So, logically, he….”

I love the pacing of this piece. It is fast-paced and yet I get the sense of the passage of time. The numerous instances of repetition in this piece are particularly effective at setting the emotional mood of this piece. One sentence in particular really stands out: “Packed her bags, each and every comb, and all the gorgeous clothes I adorned her with.” There is just something ominous and cruel about that sentence that works really well to convey mood.



*twinmommy1113, When all the Lights Went Out

SPaG: 3.5/5
T&V: 4.0/5
Eval: 5.0/5
Reac: 5.0/5
TOTAL: 17.5

Overall:*
Ooo… I got goosebumps. A good, creepy story. You know, part of the success of the 1950’s monster movies was in that you never saw the monster. And you don’t show us the monster, either. But, he’s there. And he’s the last thing we hear. (Oooo…!) Very well done.

Besides already scaring the snot out of your reader, here are some things that might help you make this story scarier. First, there is a lot of detail here that I’m not convinced is working well for you in advancing your story. I think what’s going on is, sometimes you _show_ us what’s happening, and sometimes you _tell_ us what’s happening.

_Show:_ “[The elevator] sprang to life…, she fumbled with her keys”
_Tell:_ “She knew she should have brought a raincoat…, She was exhausted…, Frustrated…”

Now, some telling is necessary. Telling can and does help establish tone, but what I’m hearing come through in this piece keeps us from getting too close to Madison. So even though Madison is warmly described, as someone we should love, what would happen if you were to push the showing envelope a little more on this piece? I’m thinking we would not only be shocked at what happens to Madison but we might miss her more, too.

Some SPaG concerns. Watch out for tense shifts (“she sifts” = present, when everything else is in the past tense, as when she “grabbed” the pizza.) “Was” can be a dead-weight word. It tells us we’re being told something. Can these instances be replaced with something more active, or are they necessary for establishing setting and background information? A sentence-clause concern: “proper law enforcement equipment*,* including” (i.e., add a comma).

Awesome reveal at the end. That’s the way to write a monster story.

*Sinister, In a Dark Place, You Need a Candle

SPaG: 4.75/5
T&V: 4.50/5
Eval: 4.50/5
Reac: 3.50/5
TOTAL: 17.25

Overall:*
Okay, I have a question. Are the children ghosts? (I love stories that leave me asking questions.) I must confess, from the setting I was expecting a scary story, but what you delivered was a delightful tale. Part of the tension used here, I think, is the buildup of an expectation that turns aside at just the right moment to cause the reader surprise.

About SPaG. A missing logic word: “in darkness, *for* nowhere…” Also, I wasn’t sure what a “guttered candle” was—is it one already burnt low? I marked down these two things because they caused some undue vagueness in the story.

Some nice assonance throughout the piece: Gunther, humming x2, mummies, guttered, running, sun. There are also some wonderful bits of prose here: “his black eyes watched the shadows captured on the peeling wallpaper.” And there is the bookend word, “drowned,” to be reckoned with also.

Now, despite all this praise, I have this sense of unease that this piece is incomplete, that it can be improved. For one, it doesn’t strike me as having a strong voice. The story arc is subtle; it is more a descriptive tale than one that emerges from the characters. I wonder, what is at stake here?







Spoiler: Vranger's scores



*The Hidden Life - Anonymous*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.0
*Total 15*

Most of this was well written, although there were a few awkward places, one with a sentence fragment which should have been the last phrase of the previous sentence.

The introduction of various groups with no foundation left me in the dark about what was happening. This seems like it would be a great scene in a longer work where we have a better introduction. I’m not sure if the use of the name Pliny for seemingly two different people was on purpose or a mistake overlooked … not the kind of question you want to leave a reader with.

*Dr Curt Richter’s Rats - Vodyanik*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.0
Reaction 2.5
*Total 13.0*

Here’s another new member jumping right into the contest. I love it! Welcome to the site and welcome to LM!  This is mostly well written, in that I felt the scene was effectively set. The ding on SPAG is that early on, the tense jumps around from present to past and back again. For the story, this is another one which doesn’t seem self-contained, and because of that it never captured my interest.

*Unfiltered - Quelhallow*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.5*

Another new member jumping into LM! Welcome, and I hope this is the first of many. I found this to be an imaginative story that caught my interest. Nice work.

*Subject Matter - Ibb*

SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 17.0*

Certainly lively and interesting, if a bit disjointed. ;-) Overall, nicely written. I didn’t quite get one man landing relatively intact while the other came apart, unless it was all imagination in the first place.

*My Forest Dove - CyberWar*

SPAG 4.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 3.5
Reaction 3.0
*Total 15*

The ding on SPAG is a comma that should have been a question mark, making the one sentence the proper two sentences. It’s easy to do that. I frequently find it in editing.

The story is well written and very nice, but didn’t have anything to really grab me as its point. It’s one of a few this month which strikes me as a potential great scene in a longer work, but tough to find footing to stand alone.

*Burning Wings - Elle_Kay83*

SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 2.5
*Total 14*

First, another welcome to a new member and first time LM entrant! Great to see you getting involved.  The writing here needed better editing, as there were some word issues (was instead of wax, for example). Those kind of errors pop the reader out of the story, so make sure to go over the text a few times before submitting. I also think you confused butterflies with moths. ;-) However, the story had imagination, and I did like it … it just needed technical tweaks to reach its full potential.

*My Angel Evelyn - RosesPoetryOfficial*

SPAG 2.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 12.5*

This is a gripping and evocative piece, if disturbing, and I’d have loved to give it a higher score. I did where I could. However, there were a slew of punctuation issues (starting with the semi-colon which should be a comma), but also quite a few sentence fragments which either needed to be a phrase on the preceding sentence, or just weren’t effective. It could also benefit from more paragraph breaks

*When all the Lights Went Out - twinmommy1113*

SPAG 3.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 3.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 14*

The story and the writing have nice upside potential, but I can spot a few areas needing improvement. First there was a tense disagreement … a stray present tense verb in the middle. It could stand a going over to eliminate filler words, such as excess adverbs. Some of the sentences are a bit awkward and could stand polishing. Then there was a paragraph where you start four out of five sentences with “She”. It could use a bit more variety.

The construction of ideas to build the story is solid, it just needs some polish.

*In a Dark Place, You Need a Candle - Sinister*

SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18*

This story was the clear winner for me. The only SPAG issue I noticed was a dialogue tag which should have been a comma instead of a period and sentence fragment. I thought this was well written and evocative. The opening was strong. Very nice job of writing. 



Our June contest *is now open*.


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## Vodyanik (Jun 3, 2022)

Congratulations to the medalists. Couldn't agree more with who won. I remember reading Unfiltered and being baffled by the fact that it painted such a vivid scene within 650 words. I enjoyed reading all the other stories as well.

Also good to know where I can improve. I'll have to pay more attention to my tenses and might actually have to learn grammar so I can figure out what defines an independent and dependent clause. Never have been able to wrap my head around it for some reason. Probably haven't tried hard enough. 

Also learned that posessive 'its' doesn't use an apostrophe. Wild.


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## SueC (Jun 3, 2022)

Good job everyone! Congrats on first time winner Quelhollow (or harrow?) and all who participated. Wonderful reads.


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## ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord (Jun 3, 2022)

Congrats to Quellhallow, Ibb, and Sinister, but also to all the entrants! I really enjoyed reading the entries and judging this month!


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## Sinister (Jun 3, 2022)

Congrats to Quellhallow and Ibb and all the entrants.  I hope everyone had fun!  And thank you to the judges for giving their time. honest opinions and giving us great advice for improving.  This was a blast for me and I'm already looking forward to the June prompt.

-Sin


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## PrairieHostage (Jun 3, 2022)

Congrats to winners and all entrants and thanks to all the judges and of course Harper J Cole for stick handling this contest.

Very creative! I love the sense of mystery and the artful retelling of an actual historical event. (For those not in the know, the Essenes hid what we today call the Dead Sea Scrolls from the Romans.

@Megan Pearson you're right, my story is metaphorical and the names mean Mary, Joseph and the Holy Spirit. Marian Catholics believe Mary & Joseph came from the Essenian sect and in several of her appearances to mystics, Mary has said they lived the hidden life. Of course, I accept readers experience of my story as being obscure. But I wanted to give a shout out to Mary because May is her month. Thanks for your comments!


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## Quelhallow (Jun 3, 2022)

Thank you judges for taking time out of your day to give us valuable feedback on our stories. I enjoyed reading all the stories and seeing what we came up with. I hope to see more participants on the next round!


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## Ibb (Jun 6, 2022)

Thank you, as always, to the judges for their insights and to Harper as well as other hosts who keep these contests running. Congrats to all entrants!


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## twinmommy1113 (Jun 11, 2022)

Okay, so first of all thank you for all of y'alls critiques. Second, it was suppose to end with not knowing who or what it is....it is suppose to leave the reader on a cliff hanger. This is planned because it is a starting idea for another book I am wanting to write. Also, "trudged carefully", yes she is tired, annoyed, has to go back out in the rain, and it dark. She also has to go down several flights of stairs. Thirdly, all of these things in the story all have something to do with each other. I don't want to explain further on that because it will give away to much. 


Again, thank you all so much. I really enjoyed writing this. Its literally just a rough on the spot draft.


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