# little sparkling diamonds



## toddm (Apr 17, 2011)

little sparkling diamonds 
are falling from your eyes ~
the sweet perfume of flowers 
is exuded in your sighs ~
notes of fair voices singing 
are mingled with your cries ~
while a sweeping tender pain
is bringing a gentle rain,
this weeping, this weeping 
is making you wise ~


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## arkayye (Apr 18, 2011)

The tears we shall never cry are tears that answer why and with each and every sigh pearls are gathered for by and by.
Much enjoyed your poem, brief and without lack of its own brilliance.


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## candid petunia (Apr 18, 2011)

Beautiful! Loved the imagery.

But I felt it could have been better if you removed the auxiliary verbs:

little sparkling diamonds 
falling from your eyes ~
the sweet perfume of flowers 
exuded in your sighs ~
notes of fair voices singing 
mingled with your cries ~
while a sweeping tender pain
brings a gentle rain, (how does this sound?)
this weeping, this weeping 
is making you wise ~ (I'm lost here now)


Dunno, this is just what I felt. Maybe someone else could suggest. Anyone?


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## toddm (Apr 19, 2011)

thanks arkayye for your beautiful comments - tears wash the eyes clean

ms. petunia, glad you enjoyed it as well, and your feedback is well taken - I can see where you are heading and those are good ideas - any other input would be appreciated

I like the poignancy of the first statement "little sparkling diamonds are falling from your eyes" - the rest of it flows from that so I had to keep the parellel verb structures, but the other would work too if everything is shifted
but "brings a gentle rain" is missing a beat in my ear, but that's just me

I could enlarge this piece and had a mind to, but frankly it has been with me long enough to take on that comfortable familiar quality of a small stone carried in one's pocket ~


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## Chesters Daughter (Apr 23, 2011)

Beautiful, Todd, don't mess with familiarity, this works extremely well as is. Agree with you regarding bringing. One question, why the fancy dashes (or tildes or whatever they are called)? Truly enjoyed the lovely wording, and the message is wonderful.

Best,
Lisa


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## toddm (Apr 24, 2011)

ChestersDaughter said:


> Beautiful, Todd, don't mess with familiarity, this works extremely well as is. Agree with you regarding bringing. One question, why the fancy dashes (or tildes or whatever they are called)? Truly enjoyed the lovely wording, and the message is wonderful.


 
thanks Lisa - I'm glad you enjoyed this - not a major work, but a small piece squeezed out during a tough time

As far as the (~) "tildes" (I hadn't heard them called that until these forums) - I use them here and in other pieces when something is needed at the end of the line, but a period seems too final

a comma is not in order, nor a semicolon ( ; ) it is somewhat akin to using three dots (...)

in my handwritten writings, I use a long dash at the end of some lines, and so the (~) is the typewritten version of it

in some of these places, I have typed (-), but it has evolved into the more fancy and wistful (~)

it has just become a characteristic of my poems, and grew up organically over time - is it distracting? is there a better alternative?

thanks---
---todd


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## Chesters Daughter (Apr 24, 2011)

I will be honest as I hope you will always be with me, I find them distracting, but I am only one person, and a female who detests frills, so I am biased. I understood them to have the effect of a pause, but sans all other punctuation, they are too obvious. Used in conjunction with proper punctuation they would be fine, and quite frankly, they are fine as is, it's your piece and if you like them, then you should keep them. I consider them fancy dashes, but on a Spanish language keyboard (tilde) they are used over the letter n, as enyay (that's how it's pronounced) is an additional letter in the Spanish alphabet. If you like them, then it's fine. The use of an elipsis in such cases would be overkill, and you're right, they are wistful.


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## toddm (Apr 24, 2011)

ChestersDaughter said:


> I will be honest as I hope you will always be with me, I find them distracting, but I am only one person, and a female who detests frills, so I am biased. I understood them to have the effect of a pause, but sans all other punctuation, they are too obvious. Used in conjunction with proper punctuation they would be fine, and quite frankly, they are fine as is, it's your piece and if you like them, then you should keep them. I consider them fancy dashes, but on a Spanish language keyboard (tilde) they are used over the letter n, as enyay (that's how it's pronounced) is an additional letter in the Spanish alphabet. If you like them, then it's fine. The use of an elipsis in such cases would be overkill, and you're right, they are wistful.


 
I truly appreciate your honest feedback, and it has led me to examine an aspect of my writings that I had not thought that unusual - for some reason, I gravitate away from periods (I was going to write "except in my more formal pieces like 'The Star Child' ", but then I looked at it and found ~'s there too) - 

Punctuation rules in poetry are more fluid than in regular writing, but I need to make sure it makes sense and above all doesn't interfere with the reading

I was just looking at some of Emily Dickenson's writings and her use of the dash (not that my use is in any way parallel to hers - she seemed to have a wide range of possible meanings, whereas I simply avoid the period and maybe add a wistful note) - there are others who suggest using it, as I do, to avoid the finality of the period - but that was the dash (-) not the tilde (~), I can't find similar use of that outside of my own

thanks again, I will be more attentive to the most effective use of punctuation, standard and non-standard, in my poetry ~


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## Chesters Daughter (Apr 25, 2011)

Darlin', please don't let my one sided opinion influence your use of punctuation. Again, I am but one soul. I often forego punctuation or limit my use and employ line breaks to establish subtle pauses where necessary, but I tend to write narratives. I've made too big a deal over this and I apologize. Since no one else has uttered a word, the problem lies with me and not your choice. Again, the wistfulness implied can be an actual asset when the finality of a period is too harsh. I'll shut up now.:-$


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## Boddaert (Apr 25, 2011)

Perhaps you could make the tild your own. It pays to break with tradition occasionally. How else can we expand and experiment. Ah the delight of a wistful tild, helps us pause and think and build, images layered with meaning and filled, with regrets best relived: not killed.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Apr 25, 2011)

The wordplay here was just great, and the flow was really fluid and serene. The auxilliary verbs, in my opinion, are better as is.

The picture painted here was simple, yet riveting.


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## Martin (Apr 25, 2011)

I'm with candid petunia on this one regarding the auxiliary verbs. It just seems that kind of poem, that would read better without such. Also, I think the syllable count and beat could be tweaked for the better. Most of the lines flow well, but line 5, 8 and 10 I find somewhat jarring. It might just be me...

Regarding the tildes, I remember I used it once in a poem to sum up the piece into a moral. I enjoyed your use of them, as I generally find them visually appealing, yet I think they should be consistent after every second line.

And finally just want to say that I enjoyed the imagery and progression of this one.


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## toddm (Apr 25, 2011)

ChestersDaughter said:


> Darlin', please don't let my one sided opinion influence your use of punctuation. Again, I am but one soul. I often forego punctuation or limit my use and employ line breaks to establish subtle pauses where necessary, but I tend to write narratives. I've made too big a deal over this and I apologize. Since no one else has uttered a word, the problem lies with me and not your choice. Again, the wistfulness implied can be an actual asset when the finality of a period is too harsh. I'll shut up now.:-$



I asked if it was distracting and you told me - I'm glad you told me, so no apologies please : )

This is the whole point of coming to these forums, honest feedback and constructive criticism - 
thanks for providing it
---todd


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## toddm (Apr 25, 2011)

Boddaert said:


> Perhaps you could make the tild your own. It pays to break with tradition occasionally. How else can we expand and experiment. Ah the delight of a wistful tild, helps us pause and think and build, images layered with meaning and filled, with regrets best relived: not killed.



beautiful, thanks for the encouragement - folks still don't understand E Dickenson's dashes, and some think they were indicative of mental illness - I hope mine don't descend to that : )


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## toddm (Apr 25, 2011)

TheFuhrer02 said:


> The wordplay here was just great, and the flow was really fluid and serene. The auxilliary verbs, in my opinion, are better as is.
> 
> The picture painted here was simple, yet riveting.



thanks, glad you liked it


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## toddm (Apr 25, 2011)

Martin said:


> I'm with candid petunia on this one regarding the auxiliary verbs. It just seems that kind of poem, that would read better without such. Also, I think the syllable count and beat could be tweaked for the better. Most of the lines flow well, but line 5, 8 and 10 I find somewhat jarring. It might just be me...
> 
> Regarding the tildes, I remember I used it once in a poem to sum up the piece into a moral. I enjoyed your use of them, as I generally find them visually appealing, yet I think they should be consistent after every second line.
> 
> And finally just want to say that I enjoyed the imagery and progression of this one.



I appreciate the input - sometimes the rhythm is how a poem is read, which can be different person to person I've found -

that's another point about the tilde, the way they look on the page - 

glad you liked the imagery -


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## Firemajic (Jun 11, 2011)

This is so poignant and forlorn .there is a mysterious quality to these beautiful lines-this one-"The smell of sweet perfume is exuded in your sighs" -Perfection! This has the feel of a well seasoned Poet....


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## toddm (Jun 19, 2011)

Firemajic said:


> This is so poignant and forlorn .there is a mysterious quality to these beautiful lines-this one-"The smell of sweet perfume is exuded in your sighs" -Perfection! This has the feel of a well seasoned Poet....



thanks - I like "poignant and forlorn" : )
---todd


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## Gumby (Jun 19, 2011)

I see I am very late to the party here. But I enjoyed the 'favors' none the less. Very beautiful, wistful poem that left me with those same feelings, so you've done your work well.


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## candid petunia (Jun 19, 2011)

You know Todd, this is one poem that has stayed with me. I have this thing of memorising poems without meaning to, they just settle themselves in my head. Sometimes when I'm in a pensive mood, my mind just goes 


> Little sparkling diamonds
> falling from your eyes...



_without _the auxiliary verbs though. 

Once again, it's beautiful, and I love it.


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## toddm (Jun 19, 2011)

Gumby said:


> I see I am very late to the party here. But I enjoyed the 'favors' none the less. Very beautiful, wistful poem that left me with those same feelings, so you've done your work well.



thanks so much - I like wistful


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## toddm (Jun 19, 2011)

candid petunia said:


> You know Todd, this is one poem that has stayed with me. I have this thing of memorising poems without meaning to, they just settle themselves in my head. Sometimes when I'm in a pensive mood, my mind just goes
> 
> "Little sparkling diamonds
> falling from your eyes..."
> ...



Farah thanks so much for these comments - glad to know this one stuck with you - I too have these lines go through my head unbidden sometimes when I see a tearful person, or feel sad myself - in a certain way I enter into some kind of minor contemplative perspective on human sorrow - auxiliary verbs or not : )

---todd


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