# a quick funny piece (from POV of paper)



## NatureLover106 (Jun 9, 2011)

So this is in from the POV of paper... any critique would be great (eg does it capture the paper's "personality" if that makes any sense, is the ending awkward at all, etc)

“This makes no sense,” the health insurance bill states. “They waste hundreds of gallons of water, grow a tree, cut down the tree, chop it up, send it across the ocean, mash it together, glue it, color it, and open a hole in the ozone layer the size of Texas to ship it, only to have us end up here! It’s a disgrace!”
	The social security numbers clear their throat. “He’s got a point, you know...”
	“I don’t want to die!” cries the old credit card. “I still have money to spend and grocery stores to go to, plus I never even got to see Target!”
	“Calm down,” the bill says. “Just because there’s a shredder nearby doesn’t mean anybody is going to do anything to us.”
	A resume snorts. “Like you have anything to worry about. You’re just a bunch of numbers! I, on the other hand, was crafted out of nothing by the imagination. Surely I don’t deserve this.”
	“Please. You couldn’t even get the author the job she wanted!” 
	“Aah, don’t look now, but here comes the boss!”
	The credit card peeks over the desk and exhales. “Naw, that’s just the secretary.”
	“Wait--did you say the secretary?!” the bill’s numbers go wide and his ink starts to smear.
	“Save us!” the papers wail.
	The secretary takes the top few papers and picks them up. The grinding of the gears could be heard across the room.


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## Razzazzika (Jun 10, 2011)

It was interesting to say the least, and I chuckled at the end if that tells you what you wanted to know.


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## Roughin (Jun 11, 2011)

Hi again NatureLover--
okay, I have to say while this short is almost funny, I don't think it quite works...
so maybe almost funny can be funny with editing?? or maybe there's an issue with the idea...
look forward to your next post anyway!
cheers,
Roughin


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## j.w.olson (Jun 27, 2011)

I like the idea. I think the opening line makes it feel too much like you're a political activist trying to get the word out about your issue. Which is great if you are; I'm green too, but subtlety will work better. No one likes reading obvious propaganda.

The only other issue I have is that a nagging part of me wants this to be more realistic. I mean, I don't mind that the papers can talk, that's all fine and dandy. But how do they know so much? How can they also move to peek over something, but can't run away or hide? How are they able to see or talk, and yet still be treated as normal papers in the real world? These may seem like silly questions, but they are key to whether I buy into the world you have created or not.

It wanders too much for a throw-away gag joke, and it's not developed enough for a more full piece, I would say.


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## Bruce Wayne (Jul 7, 2011)

I think it is a good idea, but it didn't work as well as it could have. Maybe if you extended the length, the personality of each paper would come through a bit more.


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## MissTiraMissSu (Jul 16, 2011)

Idea? Great, funny, creative!
Written? Needs some work... But you got the dialogue, just need to work on the stuff in between!


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## Winston (Jul 17, 2011)

I like brevity, but this needs more.  Perhaps an intro scene describing the papers sitting on the desk, and the menacing shredder lurking nearby?  Good concept, though.


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## 0rganic (Jul 17, 2011)

if you love nature so much why don't you civil-union it?


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## The Prodigy (Jul 17, 2011)

I will say this: definitely unique. For me, the imagination deserves applause. It means other pieces wil certainly have an interesting bent. I look foreword to them.


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## garnerdavis (Jul 19, 2011)

I think this piece could work well with a slightly different take.  Instead of revealing up front that a bunch of different paper types are talking to each other, obscure that fact.  Give them human sounding names, like Mr. Bill, Johnny Digits, and Master Card (for example); substitute a more generalized fear of death for the explicit shredder reference in the middle; have one of them spot the secretary; and finish with a third person perspective description of the secretary, oblivious to the voices of the health insurance bill, social security numbers and credit card lying on her desk, dropping them in the shredder.


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## Cat Laurelle (Jul 29, 2011)

Someone might have a future writing cartoons.


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## ChicagoHeart (Aug 1, 2011)

i read this and pictured pixar animated papers and credit cards on a desk. Like Toy Story with office supplies.  For a short somewhat fragmented piece i think it shows  imagination and look forward to reading more developed stories from you!


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## DrummerDude (Aug 27, 2011)

I think that you've got a good concept for a short story. If possible, it might help to add some sort of narration or description throughout, drawing the story out to add suspense.


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## Jane Martin (Aug 28, 2011)

It doesnt feel finished to me but it's a promising basis for a more polished piece, some good suggestions for improvement have been made already.  Your dialogue makes me think you could be skilled at writing plays for kids.  That is intended as a compliment, they are not as straightforward to write well as you might think. You make your point briefly & effectively without long speeches (a must when kids have to learn lines) & it flows well between voices which would keep the pace moving nicely on stage.


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## Fran Canning (Aug 29, 2011)

As an idea this story has great potential for comedy. I imagine it to be like a low budget version of Toy Story. If this was a movie it would be on Pay Per View (Paper View). Sorry, I couldn't help myself


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## Higurro (Sep 29, 2011)

This is imaginative and the dialogue had me smiling, but I think it needs a little fleshing-out (though not too much; keep it simple).


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## jim rose (Sep 29, 2011)

I think the plot is good, but the style poor. AN EXAMPLE: {The social security numbers clear their throat}  There is no real suspension of disbelief, and no amusing tie in with SSI numbers and throats.

It does not seem to capture the paper's personality well. The ending is not AWKWARD but it does not appeal to me. This reads like a 1st draft.


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## feralpen (Sep 29, 2011)

Far exceeds the writing in 99% of the animated or sit com series these days. I like it. 

fp


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## victormogul (Oct 5, 2011)

I think it is a good idea. I could imagine this as a scene in a cartoon.


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## Phyllis (Oct 6, 2011)

*Very clever idea, *but a bit bumpy in places.  I wouldn't make it much longer, since you set the scene and made your point, so you are ready for the shredding.  But I don't think you should come right out and mention "shredding" in the piece.  Using "don't want to die" and such is fine, but let the shredding be a total shock.  Perhaps THEY know what's in store for them, but let the reader wonder a bit why they worry about their fate.  

And yes, as neat as it is, eliminate the part about how paper is made and shipped, etc.  That might be a good sentence for a slightly different piece about how the govt hurts the environment simply by making too many rules, or something like that.

All in all, though, I liked it more than not.


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## Dyadyushka Denis (Oct 9, 2011)

The Brain of Dyadyushka Denis will concern now cautiously sheets of paper for he writes down on them the generated ideas.


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