# More Than Nostalgia



## hollaatmegan (Aug 6, 2014)

I want someone who 
I don’t have to be shy around
If I ever have someone entirely
Even for a moment in my life.

I want someone to 
Dance with me in the kitchen
While we clean up the dishes
Singing along to trashy songs at the top of our lungs
Stuff that I won’t be able to shake off.

And when I listen to those songs
I won’t just cringe and laugh
It’ll maybe sting 
Just a little bit more than nostalgia. 

THIS IS TOTALLY A WIP and I wrote it super fast. Thoughts/Is it as crappy as I think it is?
Edit; I made some changes that you guys suggested.


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## Firemajic (Aug 6, 2014)

Very nice for a poem wrote "super fast"---Just imagine what you could do--if you sloooowed dooown!:icon_cheesygrin:
I enjoyed reading this ,and am looking forward to reading more of your work..Now--having said that---I almost did NOT read your delightful poem--Because you had already labeled it as "crap'.....Peace...Jul 

Nice title, BTW--and the last stanza in your poem is beautiful...:thumbr:


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## Nellie (Aug 6, 2014)

Like firemajic said, it isn't crap because you took time to create something. Just imagine what could be if you S-L-O-W down some and take more time to write. This seems to be free verse, so anything goes with free verse. Maybe shorten the 1st line of the 1st & 2nd verse:



> I want someone who
> I don’t have to be shy around
> 
> I want someone to
> dance with me in the kitchen


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## Blade (Aug 6, 2014)

:-DWorks well for me, written in the spontaneity is was intended to describe. Not every poem has to be deep and calculated.:thumbr:

I was wondering if you could turn the text size up a notch, it is a little bit of a strain to read.:blue:


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## hollaatmegan (Aug 6, 2014)

Thank you thank you thank you. I've made some changes and bumped up the font size. :icon_cheesygrin:


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## escorial (Aug 6, 2014)

maybe it's all about that moment, that feeling you felt when you wrote it that's more important than the piece..liked.


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## E. Zamora (Aug 6, 2014)

The first two lines feel awkward. It's not that they just end in a preposition. Not sure how you fix that. Also, if you're going to use punctuation, then I'd use more of it and not just start each line with a cap. You could really control the flow of it a lot more.

Otherwise, I like what this says. I think it would be worth the effort to refine it, work on the punctuation, line breaks etc.

Esteban



Blade said:


> Works well for me, written in the spontaneity is was intended to describe. Not every poem has to be deep and calculated.



I think editing to clarify or make something easier to read is different than calculation. And part of what makes writing talent is the ability to refine without losing the feeling of immediacy.

 Is it possible that your first shot is the best? Absolutely. But I don't think you can know that until you've made some effort to explore the possibilities.


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## Ethan (Aug 7, 2014)

It is what it says on the tin! Spontaneous, honest and uncluttered. I think it's excellent. Sometimes we can over think poetry and there we lose emotion, This works well, I wouldn't change a thing!


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## BecomingAGoodWriter (Aug 7, 2014)

I love how it flows and the content. Only suggestion I would make is that the first stanza doesn't flow as the second and third. 
Overall it's really nice. While reading it, I feel a waltz type flow in reading it. Very smooth. As I said before, only the first stanza need some touching up. 
Nice work. 

~ BecomingAGoodWriter


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