# The Awakening



## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

_*I watched the weary sun 
slip away
gently tugging lazy shadows
from the eves of the house
where they had slept all day
saw them stretch their length
across the unkempt lawn to the woods

 Tiny feral fluffs stirred the shadow weeds
abandoned orphaned beggars 
timidly tasting milk in the chipped china bowl
then on silent feet they ran to play

They tumbled
under subdued trees
 they capered
curious kittens pouncing
oblivious unrestrained joy 
playing hide and shadow seek 


The moon winked a knowing grin
my cigarette bloomed in the velvet gloom
from my solitary place on the porch
 I watched
enchanted by the shadow play

Maybe I will stay awhile...
the razorblade can wait

*_


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## midnightpoet (Jan 15, 2017)

That last chilling line...Dang, you're getting better with each poem.  At the moment I'm not awake enough to critique, but overall it's fine by me. Great imagery.

Tony


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## Absolem (Jan 15, 2017)

Amazing imagery but I don't know what's going on. Someone in a poor city or town watches children beg for milk and play while their happiness keeps the person from cutting themself. Thats what I get from it.


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## sas (Jan 15, 2017)

Perhaps this simpler version without all the adjectives, adverbs & gerunds getting in the way; at least, for me.

I watched the sun 
tug shadows
from the eves
where they had slept
then saw them stretch
across the lawn to the woods

Poetry is often more impactful with fewer words. 

.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

midnightpoet said:


> That last chilling line...Dang, you're getting better with each poem.  At the moment I'm not awake enough to critique, but overall it's fine by me. Great imagery.
> 
> Tony




Thank you, Adorable One... I am working hard to improve...  it is always a pleasure to read your comments...




Absolem said:


> Amazing imagery but I don't know what's going on. Someone in a poor city or town watches children beg for milk and play while their happiness keeps the person from cutting themself. Thats what I get from it.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

sas said:


> Perhaps this simpler version without all the adjectives, adverbs & gerunds getting in the way; at least, for me.
> 
> I watched the sun
> tug shadows
> ...




I like it!  .... but the imagery...?


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## sas (Jan 15, 2017)

I believe by setting the scene, in a simple way, allows the reader to see, for themselves, the imagery. What is most important...the un-cared for lawn....or the shadows? Each stanza should have its focus. By using adjectives the weary sun could be the focus; or the unkempt lawn. You need it to be the shadows.  I also saw no need for "of the house" as "eves" infer it. It was unnecessary. Poets always use prepositional phrases starting with "of"....I'd wish they wouldn't. 

I guess I should go on record that these trigger great angst when I use them. I wrestle for a long time trying to eliminate their use, but sometimes fail:

the

and (except when used : black and white; Tom and Mary; etc)

 of

 ing

 ly

adjectives (especially in excess)


I am trying to write more prose style, so "the" has wormed it's way in. I still cringe.

I'm not saying that your stanza should be the way I wrote it. But, look to see what you could hone, so the shadows are on stage. 

Hope helpful.  sas
.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

sas said:


> I believe by setting the scene, in a simple way, allows the reader to see, for themselves, the imagery. What is most important...the un-cared for lawn....or the shadows? Each stanza should have its focus. By using adjectives the weary sun could be the focus; or the unkempt lawn. You need it to be the shadows.  I also saw no need for "of the house" as "eves" infer it. It was unnecessary. Poets always use prepositional phrases starting with "of"....I'd wish they wouldn't.
> 
> I guess I should go on record that these trigger great angst when I use them. I wrestle for a long time trying to eliminate their use, but sometimes fail:
> 
> ...





Of course you have been helpful... and you have provided me with a new view of my poem... I will edit this with your critique in mind... Thank you, sas... I appreciate your patience and expertise...


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

_*I watched the weary sun 
slip away
gently tugging lazy shadows
from the eves of the house
where they had slept all day
saw them stretch their length
across the unkempt lawn to the woods

 Tiny feral fluffs stirred the shadow weeds
abandoned orphaned beggars 
timidly tasting milk in the chipped china bowl
then on silent feet they ran to play

They tumbled
under subdued trees
 they capered
curious kittens pouncing
oblivious unrestrained joy 
playing hide and shadow seek 


The moon winked a knowing grin
my cigarette bloomed in the velvet gloom
from my solitary place on the porch
 I watched
enchanted by the shadow play

Maybe I will stay awhile...
the razorblade can wait

*_[/QUOTE]



I linger watching the sun
tug shadows from dusty eves
where they had slept all day
 saw them stretch across the lawn
creeping to the woods

Feral fluffs disturb shadow weeds
abandoned timid beggars
 tasting milk in a chipped china bowl
then on silent feet they ran to play

Tumbling under subdued trees
oblivious joy capering
curious kittenish pouncing's 
unrestrained they bounce 
lost in shadows hide and seek

Under a mischievous winking moon
my cigarette blooms in velvet gloom 
from my solitary place on the porch
I watch
shadow play enchanted

Maybe I will stay awhile
the razorblade can wait


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## Absolem (Jan 15, 2017)

Am I right or what Firemajic? Lol


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## sas (Jan 15, 2017)

Consider writing in the present tense to eliminate all the “ed” ending words. The present tense has power that I don’t think the past tense does. Hmmm. In fact, your last line is in the present tense.

 Also, when you eliminate a “the” word look for replacement, so flow continues on the line. For instance, here are three options (you used first two):

“in the chipped china bowl”
“in chipped china bowl”  (too stilted)

or, see how this flows:

“in a china bowl”  (putting “a” & “china” adjacent has flow)

Overall, poem stutters, lacking flow.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Am I right or what Firemajic? Lol




Sometimes, all one needs is one small reason to hang on to life, and that reason can come at any second.... and I really was writing about kittens...  but I loved seeing my poem through your eyes...





sas said:


> Consider writing in the present tense to eliminate all the “ed” ending words. The present tense has power that I don’t think the past tense does. Hmmm. In fact, your last line is in the present tense.
> 
> Also, when you eliminate a “the” word look for replacement, so flow continues on the line. For instance, here are three options (you used first two):
> 
> ...





I see what you mean... I will continue to work on this.. Thank you so much...


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## Absolem (Jan 15, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Sometimes, all one needs is one small reason to hang on to life, and that reason can come at any second.... and I really was writing about kittens...  but I loved seeing my poem through your eyes



Kittens? Had no idea. Guess I'm reading too much into it.


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## Firemajic (Jan 15, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Kittens? Had no idea. Guess I'm reading too much into it.




The beauty of poetry is that the reader brings their own personal experiences to the reading of the poem... I see dark, because of my past, someone else with different life experiences may read a poem completely different... and that is a fabulous thing...


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## Absolem (Jan 15, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> The beauty of poetry is that the reader brings their own personal experiences to the reading of the poem... I see dark, because of my past, someone else with different life experiences may read a poem completely different... and that is a fabulous thing...


You have the most inspiring posts ever lol


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## sas (Jan 15, 2017)

Just for the record...I saw kittens....smiles. When I write it's every reader for themselves!!


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 19, 2017)

Intense poem. I really liked it but I did not get the kittens bit until I read the other comments. Fantastic read. Thanks for sharing!


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