# How to Defeat an Enemy According to Famous Quotes (724 words)



## Da_Geroto (Feb 16, 2015)

Hi, I'm Gerardo from Buenos Aires. I've written this to send it to Mc Sweeney's, so I did and I got this answer:




> Hi Gerardo -
> 
> 
> Good tips all around, but I’m afraid I’m going to pass. Thanks for shooting this one by us, though.
> ...




Is not the first time I got rejected, in fact here's another one like this: http://www.writingforums.com/thread...crastinator-(972-words)?p=1829601#post1829601

Hope you can tell me why isn't good enough. Thanks!
*

How to Defeat an Enemy According to Famous Quotes*​ 
*“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”*_– Sun Tzu_
First of all, get a chair and relax. The victory will come by its own.

*“Communism is not love. Communism is a hammer which we use to crush the enemy.”*_–Mao Zedong_
Get a communism. I don’t know where you can buy a communism, but get one in case the war turns violent. Sounds a powerful thing, COMMUNISM. It would sound a lot more powerful with K, KOMMUNISM. Man… if you don’t succeed with KOMMUNISM –whatever it is- you must be applying it wrongly.

*“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.”* _-Martin Luther King, Jr._
Do we want to become a friend of the person who stole our girlfriend? Do we want to become a friend of the person who killed our family?  Do we want to become a friend of the person who ate the last pizza slice? Hell no. Ignore that stupid quote.

*"It pays to know the enemy - not least because at some time you may have the opportunity to turn him into a friend."*_–Margaret Thatcher_
Once you get the chair, invite your enemy a cup of coffee. Ask him, what does he like? What music he listens? What is his zodiac sign? And most important: Which are his intentions with you? Up to which point he intends to take the enmity?

*"Chaque fois qu'on produit un effet, on se donne un ennemi. **Il faut rester médiocre pour être populaire." *_— Oscar Wilde_
How about we skip this one too?

*“We shall support whatever the enemy opposes and oppose whatever the enemy supports.” *_— Mao Tse-Tung_
After doing your research you should know what he opposes and what he supports. If you know that he hates Mazagran coffee, you order one. I don’t care if it has lemon and ice cubes. You drink it. And if he orders a Chocolate Milkshake, you just talk about how sickeningly sweet tastes and how naïve he looks drinking from a plastic milkshake cup.

*“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.**”*_–Napoleon Bonaparte_
If he’s putting oregano accidentally on his milkshake, let him do it. Don’t disturb him.

*“The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.”*_–Friedrich Nietzsche_
When the waitress comes close to fix the oregano thing, punch her in the face like if there were no tomorrow.

*“Let my enemies devour each other.”*_–Salvador Dali_
The waitress and your real enemy should be devouring each other. Enjoy the show.

* “Enemies are so stimulating.”* –Katharine Hepburn
By now you should be feeling over stimulated with two enemies. They are even fighting each other because of your fault. You really cannot complain.

* “Convince your enemy that he will gain very little by attacking you; this will diminish his enthusiasm” *_―Sun Tzu_
What could he do? He had just struggle with a 20 years old neo-hippie waitress that cleans up bourgeois messes to pay his theatre classes. And all this because your enemy accidentally put OREGANO on his MILKSHAKE. He is fully deprotected, in the lowest level possible. There’s nothing he can do.

*“Send salt to your enemy.” *_– Japanese Proverb_
…? Ask the waitress –another one- to send salt to the table.

* “If you want to destroy your enemy, give him an elephant as a gift.”* _– Vikrant Parsai_
Really? This is getting weird… but go ahead. Parsai has spoken. Call the non-enemy waitress and ask her to send an elephant to your table.

*“Sometimes you’ll have to become the enemy to win.”            *_―Anonymous_
Finally we reached the key to kick that snollygoster’s butt. We weren’t going anywhere sending elephants and salt. It was in front of you the whole battle. Become the enemy. You just gotta steal a girlfriend, kill a family (not the whole family, leave a member so he can read this guide, he will need it) and lastly, eat the last pizza slice at any social event. Nothing you haven't done before.

*“We have met the enemy and it is us.” *_― Walt Kelly_
We are the most insipid, despicable, vile, shoddy and yucky human being on earth. At least for one person: the reader of this “How to” guide. 

*“If you had no enemies, you had no fun.”*_ ―Denis Leary_


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## Cran (Feb 16, 2015)

Oh dear. You submitted this to a literary book publisher? Why? Is it a book? Is it literature?

Yes, they have a selection of humour, but I'm not sure their sense of humour aligns with yours. You have tried - tried, but not succeeded - to satirise a selection of quotes from famous people. It's the sort of thing that turns up on Facebook, not in literature. 

To make good satire, a writer must understand the target and its weaknesses. It is debate, politics, science, even the practice of faith - without understanding, argument is futile, and the only resort is insult. Insult is mediocre satire, which makes it popular - everyone can do it - but not outstanding, and therefore not literature. 



> " Every time we produce an effect, we give ourselves an enemy. It is necessary to remain mediocre to be popular. " - Oscar Wilde (translated)


- your French quote.

That's why your piece was rejected.


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## Da_Geroto (Feb 16, 2015)

Hey Cran, thanks for your answer. 

I'm not applying this piece as literature itself, it's like you said: web humour. And Mc Sweeney's has a very extense catalogue of humour texts like this one. I had to read meaningless pieces published in the website* to come up with something barely acceptable. 

Anyway, thank you for your tip about satire.

*http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/some-things-that-are-worse-than-being-alone-on-valentines-day


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## Cran (Feb 17, 2015)

I see what you mean - yes, I think those examples are below standard for a literary site. Well, if they are sliding to that level, keep trying.


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## joecabello (Mar 31, 2015)

I've submitted a ton to McSweeney's and gotten rejected a ton. Keep trying and digging deeper.


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## Da_Geroto (Mar 31, 2015)

joecabello said:


> I've submitted a ton to McSweeney's and gotten rejected a ton. Keep trying and digging deeper.



Have you ever been published?


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## robingarcia (Apr 1, 2015)

Yeah, this isn't the type of piece to get published as literature. I could see it in a potpourri magazine, or on a humor website, but the problem is that it's sparse and doesn't really fit into a genre. It's not fiction. It's not quite creative non-fiction. Half of it isn't even your words.

That being said, I did enjoy it. The French gag was nice, as was the complete ignorance of the narrator. The latter bit was too over-the-top for my tastes, but I don't consider it a waste of time by any stretch of the imagination.


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## joecabello (Apr 2, 2015)

Nope!


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## reedak (Jun 10, 2015)

Da_Geroto said:


> Hi, I'm Gerardo from Buenos Aires. I've written this to send it to Mc Sweeney's, so I did and I got this answer:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The first quote reminds me of the common claim on the Internet of "making money (from profitable business ideas) while you sleep".

Hence, it is better for you to get a bed and sleep instead of getting a chair and relax. The victory will come by its own.  :nightmare:


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## reedak (Jun 12, 2015)

Da_Geroto said:  "'If you want to destroy your enemy, give him an elephant as a gift.' – Vikrant Parsai
 Really? This is getting weird… but go ahead. Parsai has spoken. Call the non-enemy waitress and ask her to send an elephant to your table..."

In my opinion, what Parsai meant as a gift is probably a white elephant.

A white elephant is a possession which its owner cannot dispose of and whose cost, particularly that of maintenance, is out of proportion to its usefulness. The term derives from the story that the kings of Siam were accustomed to make a present of one of these animals to courtiers who had rendered themselves obnoxious in order to ruin the recipient by the cost of its maintenance.

I am sure the members here are familiar with the Trojan Horse in Homer's Iliad.  Hence another equivalent quote could be:

"If you want to destroy your enemy, give him a Trojan Horse as a gift."


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