# Venomous Stinging Demon Spawn



## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 11, 2015)

So, this summer has been the worst yet, as far as wasps are concerned.  I recently noticed a couple nests being built on my porch, went to Wally World, picked up a can of Raid.  Picked up a second can, just so I'd have some later... or perhaps it was actually keen extrasensory perception hinting at the dangers that lay in store for me.

I got home, went ahead and sprayed the nests that were around the door, and retreated inside to wait until sunset, which I've heard is the best time to spray.  Went out with a flashlight so that I'd be able to spot nests up in the rafters of the cover over the porch.  Ten nests later, I retreated to the safety of my living room.

Granted, these aren't full-blown paper hornet's nests or anything, they're just the umbrella nests made by your average, ordinary paper demon spawn, so it's not like they were these massive constructs that might look like they belonged in an extremely effective horror movie.  The unnerving bit was how many nests there were right up on my porch, which isn't exactly huge.  Before I knew it, I was one can of Raid down.

Now, this is where I'm thankful that I had my back-up, because while I was knocking down the empty nests this morning, I noticed that there were still a few stragglers.  After analyzing their flight patterns, I discovered three more nests--two of them were hidden in cardboard cable boxes, one of them was hidden under the table we keep on the porch (which, incidentally, is why we never use the table; I need to get rid of the damned thing).

I'm certain that there are more that I've missed, and I know for a fact we've got an even worse infestation in the shed.  I know that I won't be able to afford to have an expert come out, they're dug in too deeply.  Therefore, all I ask is that you keep me in your prayers as I fight the good fight, and at least keep these little black-and-yellow [CENSORED FOR THE CHILDREN]s off my porch.  And if I should fall in combat, just... burn it down.

Dear God, please, just burn everything.


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## InstituteMan (Jul 11, 2015)

We've been covered up with wasps at our place this summer. They keeping building nests on our porch ceiling, under our deck, under our eaves, and once inside a rarely used grill. I stepped on one while making coffee barefoot earlier this summer. A wasp sting on your big toe isn't fun, a fact I always would have suspected to be the case but that I now know for sure. I hate using affirmatively toxic chemicals around the house, but I've been buying wasp spray in the biggest value packages I can lay my hands on.

When I was a kid my dad was too poor/cheap to buy wasp killer, so he would splash gasoline on them and run like hell from the clouds of angry wasps. He tended to do so wearing nothing but a pair of old gym shorts. It's an image forever etched in my brain.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 11, 2015)

That's great, haha.

When I was... oh, lord, must've been around... fourth grade or so, I was "voluntarily participating in yardwork."  Basically, my father had handed me a trimmer and told me to trim one of the bushes.  As it turns out, that particular bush was home to a yellow jacket nest, and I got lit up.  Like, _lit_ up.  My old man sprayed it down, but somehow didn't manage to kill the damned things, and they got him later on, when _he _tried to trim the bush.

He ended up soaking the bush in gasoline and setting it ablaze.

Best.  Revenge.  Ever.


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## Kevin (Jul 11, 2015)

I was going to say that what you do is nail a tin can onto the end of a long stick, pour some gas or lighter fluid, and then raise the can right up to or under the paper nest. When they come falling/flying out of there you run like hell and hope your burning can doesn't ignite anything important after you let it fall wherever in panic. Yeah, that's how the men in this family have done it for generations, myself included. Hey, did you know that hornets bite as well as sting? One took a chunk out of my eyelid one time. See, I was holding this long stick...


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## KLJo (Jul 12, 2015)

Do you ever look back at your youth and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?"

A friend who lived a few kilometers up the secluded country road was forced by her parents to carry a horse whip for protection when walking over. 

She was one of those people who turn into a flailing, screaming, mess every time a wasp flies by. After one such episode, I grabbed her horse whip, walked over to the nearest nest, smashed it as hard it as I could, and sat down calmly about an arm's length away.

I did not get stung.

For the remainder of the summer I did this each time she panicked. By the end of the summer she was not only over the flailing, she was hitting them with me.

I still don't know if we were just unbelievably lucky, and I assure you I will not be finding out through first hand experience.

More guts than brains.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 13, 2015)

So, an update on the problem I'm currently facing:

I've used both of the cans of Raid I bought, and I've disabled no less than seventeen nests on my porch alone.  Not exaggerating.  SEVENTEEN nests.  [YOUR SINS WILL BAR YOU FROM HEAVEN] me.  Some of the better-hidden ones were, frankly, surprising--I found two in cardboard boxes, one down in a citronella candle sitting on the table that I need to get rid of, and the last on the underside of a towel draped over the porch railing... like, actually built _on the towel_.  The damned thing was attached to the cloth.  Nowhere is safe.

Thankfully, the number of active wasps I've seen flying around has decreased dramatically since I started my campaign of terror (which probably violated, like, _all_ of the Geneva Conventions), so the problem is actually going away.  My new concern is that the little buggers are still patrolling in groups of three or four, which likely means that there's a nest I missed somewhere, which will probably end up being my downfall.  I mean, how often is that used as a literary device?  Plucky group of lone survivors manages to avoid death at the hands of the big evil poison-spraying, Conventions-violating, genocide-committing entity?  They're pretty much obligated to come and [THINK OF THE CHILDREN] my [PLEASE STOP WITH THE NAUGHTY WORDS] up.  And I mean _hard_​.


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## Andrew Styles (Jul 28, 2015)

1. Why didn't you start with fire?

2. Prayers sent, wasps are literally Satan's toenail clipping sent to earth to torture us all.

3. I can't tell if the pleasant and witty censorships are from the website, or just you. I should check.

4. [Jesus is Watching You] Wasps

Edit: Just you being witty, but that would be a cool feature. None of this !@#$ or **** censorship stuff, just Mr. Rogers level nice reminders to not use naughty words.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 28, 2015)

Yeah, I figured that if I was going to censor myself, I might as well make it [CAN YOU HEAR THE ANGELS WEEPING] entertaining, you know?  You don't want to get too used to using dirty language without some sort of warning or filter, since we consider ourselves a place for the kiddies, too.  The mods are pretty good about enforcing it, too.

Anyway, my prediction came true.  It turns out that a small group of them had survived and built a nest on the back of a rocking chair, which I wouldn't have seen if I hadn't been looking out the sliding glass door.  They received a taste of the Raid, as well, because this particular story doesn't have a happy ending.  I'm far too powerful for that.

I found out that the wasps in the shed are a different breed of critter altogether, [NO] yellow jackets, which are ten times worse.  I'm going to need two more cans of Raid and probably some armor for this one.


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## TKent (Jul 28, 2015)

We used to have this outdoor light switch at the tennis courts in my neighborhood and it had this little cover that opened up so you put your hand in and flip the switch. Well, every year, wasps would build a nest in it and surprise the first poor person to open it in the spring.


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## musichal (Jul 28, 2015)

I always killed wasps with a shop towel.  Never got stung once I adopted this method.  When they were quiet and all crawling on their nest, I'd get a ladder and a towel, climb slowly within reach, drape the towel over my hand and extend it without haste toward the nest, then grab and squeeze.  Worked like a charm, is cheap, and no swarming.  I've done it a hundred times without mishap.  Even buddies who watched remained afraid to try it, though.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 29, 2015)

TKent said:


> We used to have this outdoor light switch at the tennis courts in my neighborhood and it had this little cover that opened up so you put your hand in and flip the switch. Well, every year, wasps would build a nest in it and surprise the first poor person to open it in the spring.



It would only take one time to convince me that we don't need lights at the tennis court.  Nope, nope, nope, nooope.  We'll just play in the dark, thank you very much.  I'd rather get beaned in the face with a tennis ball than risk getting my [NO-NO WORD] lit up by angry wasps.



musichal said:


> I always killed wasps with a shop towel. Never got stung once I adopted this method. When they were quiet and all crawling on their nest, I'd get a ladder and a towel, climb slowly within reach, drape the towel over my hand and extend it without haste toward the nest, then grab and squeeze. Worked like a charm, is cheap, and no swarming. I've done it a hundred times without mishap. Even buddies who watched remained afraid to try it, though.



You're either crazy or brave.  Or just crazy brave.  Even "close enough to douse the [STOP IT]s in Raid" is too close for me.  And as much as I hate wasps, I hate [FAMILY FRIENDLY] yellow jackets even more.  Oh, man, those [DON'T DO THIS] little [SERIOUSLY, STOP]s can [THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING] off so [THREE] hard that they [TWO] [ONE] to the [FILTH STREAM TERMINATED].

Seriously, though.  Wasps are bad, but yellow jackets just do not give a [COME ON] whose [I'M DONE] they're wrecking.  You get within ten feet of a nest of those and you can kiss your [CENSORED] good-bye.

Also, sorry for the language.  I tend to get overly worked up about this particular topic.  The basic point to take away from all this is that I do not like wasps or their venomous stinging cousins.  The fact that paper wasps are actually quite beneficial as natural pest control only makes things worse, if only because thinking about it makes me hesitate to destroy them.

But then I remember that they have the whole [BLEEPED OUT] world to build their nests in, as long as they stay off my [BEEP NOISE] porch.


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## Andrew Styles (Jul 29, 2015)

AtleanWordsmith said:


> I tend to get overly worked up about this particular topic.  The basic point to take away from all this is that I do not like wasps or their venomous stinging cousins.  The fact that paper wasps are actually quite beneficial as natural pest control only makes things worse, if only because thinking about it makes me hesitate to destroy them.



Here in lovely CO, all we have are yellow jackets, which are, like I said, Satan's minions. They basically freeload and contribute nothing to the ecosystem, and only serve to sting the crap out of you for literally no reason. /rant


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## LeeC (Jul 29, 2015)

Andrew Styles said:


> Here in lovely CO, all we have are yellow jackets, which are, like I said, Satan's minions. They basically freeload and contribute nothing to the ecosystem, and only serve to sting the crap out of you for literally no reason. /rant


Actually all life forms, yellow jackets no less, evolved as adaptable to fill a needed niche in an ecosystem, and the balance of biodiversity is what in essence sustains us. That some life forms "seem" to get out of hand is changing conditions in an ecosystem, in good part propagated by ourselves.

"_Probably the most visible example of unintended consequences, is what happens every time humans try to change the natural ecology of a place._"  ~  Margaret J. Wheatley


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 29, 2015)

Too true.  When they're not stinging the ever-loving [THIS AGAIN?] out of people, they're destroying pests.  I don't mind having them around, and I generally only break out the Raid when they build their nests around my porch... though, the yellow jackets in the shed are going to have to go, because I don't feel like getting lit up every time I need to go out there.

Though, they _are_ giving me a good excuse to be lazy.  Hmm.  Might have to think about this a little more.

On an interesting note, it seems that wasps can recognize faces.  The more you delve into this sort of thing, the more interesting it gets.  It turns out that wasps are _extremely_ social insects, which is further proof that destroying them is the only option we've got if we don't want to end up working as slaves in their sugar mines.


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## Thaumiel (Jul 29, 2015)

Kevin said:


> I was going to say that what you do is nail a tin can onto the end of a long stick, pour some gas or lighter fluid, and then raise the can right up to or under the paper nest. When they come falling/flying out of there you run like hell and hope your burning can doesn't ignite anything important after you let it fall wherever in panic. Yeah, that's how the men in this family have done it for generations, myself included. Hey, did you know that hornets bite as well as sting? One took a chunk out of my eyelid one time. See, I was holding this long stick...



Ever seen hornets attacking a beehive? They just fly in and start biting heads clean off.

It's getting to the time of year when apples start falling off of the tree in my garden. I don't mind picking them up now because they're bitter and ignored. But give it a few more weeks they'll be sweet and tasty to everything. The only thing worse is when they've gotten so ripe they start to ferment and the wasps all treat it like a pub...


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 29, 2015)

My father kept bees for a couple of years, when he had the time to devote to them.  Extracting honey from a hive is an interesting process, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to help him do it anymore.  The bee suits are hot, like wearable ovens, and summer in South Carolina is bad enough without them.  Add in the fact that the frames of honeycomb are actually pretty heavy and awkward and full of bees, and it's just... such miserable work.

Cleaning up is easy, though.  You just leave all of the sticky equipment out on the porch and the bees, ants, etc remove all the honey, leaving everything nearly pristine for use.  The end result is generally worth the work, since we got somewhere around fifteen to twenty gallons of honey per pull.  Never tried to sell any of it, we mostly just gave it away to people.  It's been about... oh, five years since we last did it, and we lost our bees this summer when they absconded.

Which reminds me:  If you ever have a bee problem, like if you find a swarm or a hive and need to remove it, don't kill them. Seriously, call a beekeeper, they should be able to remove the bees safely without harming them.  Bees are _insanely _beneficial to, like, everyone, mostly because of their role in pollination.  Unfortunately, they're also on the decline, so... yeah.  Awareness and stuff.


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## Anari (Aug 12, 2015)

Why are you bothering with raid? You can buy this knock down stuff which smells like ether. It sprays from 15 feet away killing them instantly. I'm allergic to the little demons, so I buy a couple of cans every summer. Wally world has it.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 12, 2015)

My wasps have +10 immunity to bargain bin insecticides.  Raid is the only thing that's worked each summer.  Kills 'em fast and keeps 'em off my porch 'til next season.


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## ppsage (Aug 12, 2015)

We have these small paper wasp nests in our eaves. They overwinter under the roofing. Used to super-watergun them with 20% bleach/water. (That's about .5% hypoclorite, dissipates quick.) We've had hundreds, never been stung. Last two years the scrub jays knock the nests down and eat the inhabitants.


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## Anari (Aug 13, 2015)

This stuff is not a bargain brand. It is sold as wasp and bee killer. I think it freezes them. Yours may be +10, but even they will not survive being chemically frozen. I buy this because none survive. I am so allergic I have 20 minutes to get a shot, which I always have with me, and get to a hospital.


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## InstituteMan (Aug 13, 2015)

Well, whatever is the best wasp killing concoction, I need more of it. I had a can fizzle out on me mid-stream the other night. I was left in a most vulnerable and unhappy position, but I managed to escape with only a single sting (the damn thing hurt, though). I only have a dozen or so nests that have been built over the last few days. I don't know what is so great about this year for the demon spawn, but it's sure been a bumper year for the pests.


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