# April 2018 - LM - The Floor Above - Scores



## bdcharles (May 8, 2018)

Better late than never, as they say. Here they are (the scores, that is):

*
Judge: Moderan*

Thanks for letting me read your tales. I enjoyed them, though the  reviews may not seem like it-everyone did a good job. I'm a tough  reviewer and look through the lens of a professional editor. 


*Blackstone – The Floor Above*

*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*

I enjoyed this. Authentic-sounding voice, light on the spagnits. Having  been through pneumonia and noisy neighbors in tandem, I identified with  the mc. The ending needs some thinking about…I like that it isn’t tidied  up.


*xXx – -flash point vanish vantage-*

*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 9*
*Overall: 18*

Bring the apocalypse. Effective little yarn, shot through with apt turns of phrase, tech-jargon in the grand sf style. Chilling.


*SueC – Upstairs*

*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*

I wouldn’t have gone in as heavy for passive voice in this one,  especially in the opening lines. I get that the mc is establishing some  distance but that’s something that the narrator’s unemotional stance  would provide anyway. Good read though.


*Birb – Never Go Upstairs*

*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 14*

I can see that this is meant to be a horror story but it’s a trifle  unfocused and so the chills don’t quite hit home. Why are those men  hanging on the wall? It’s important that the writer knows, and I get no  sense of that from the text, which leaves the climax entirely in the  mind of the reader, with no real setup.
How are the men affixed to the wall? Why is it only men? 


*Serra – Make-Believe*

*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*

Charming. Not sure how the rice pudding for a ceiling works….there’d be a  drip, but it’s make-believe, so okay. No real depth to this but plenty  of inventive nonsense.


*Anonymous – The Spare Room*

*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 12*

There’s not much to this. The claw-marks and that’s it. There’s a  scheduled time to go there? Why? So much untold, and so much passive  voice. Not a compelling read. Another draft with attention to the  rhythms of language and variable sentence composition, and giving a  reason for the memories “to claw” at the narrator’s soul would boost  this into readability.


*Anonymous – Floor Above*

*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 16*

The memories of a ghost, who took something from a dental assistant. A  sexual assault, one would guess from the clues. And blunt instrument  trauma. The rest, well, hard to figure out from context. Perhaps not as  sharply-drawn as it could be. Good effort though.



*
 Judge: MousePot*

Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed every entry, and loved how varied  they all came out! I think being able to produce such wonderful work in  such a short amount of time, and space, is fantastic.


Blackstone

Spelling and Grammar - 4/5
Tone and Voice - 4/5
Effect - 8/10
Total - 16/20

This was a fascinating piece, and very well written. I loved the use of  onomatopoeia to help set the scene and the imagery used was absolutely  spot on! I also felt the voice was absolutely right for this character,  it seemed to ooze a sort of lethargy, very enjoyable.

The only thing that stuck negatively for me was that I felt the  structure of the story felt a little loose. I get the impression that it  was started with an interesting image (man in a basement looking out  the window) and you let it go evolve into itself, so to speak. Usually I  am all for this sort of writing, but here there seemed to be a bit of a  disconnect between the start and the end, almost like it was two  separate stories.  Very enjoyable though, well done!


XXX

Spelling and Grammar - 5/5
Tone and voice - 3/5
Effect - 6/10
Total - 14/20

I really wanted to love this piece. It is weird, and wonderful, and the  language and sentence structuring is spot on. I just had no idea what  was happening. Even after several re-reads, and some frantic googling, I  feel a whole heap of this story flew straight over my head. The  dialogue is absolutely fascinating, but it is such a roller coaster, and  it made me so uncomfortable, which was great! .... for the first half  of the story. After that I really felt the dialogue wasn't adding any  more, and those precious words could have been used to help ground the  narrative a bit more.

As an experimental piece, this was awesome, and I would love to read more of it!


SueC

Spelling and Grammar - 4/5
Tone and Voice - 4/5
Effect - 9/10
Total - 17/20

This was such a wonderful idea for a story. I love the introduction of  the characters, particularly the casual mentioning of the dead husband. I  was also really impressed with the short simple sentences to speed time  along. Overall I feel the pacing of this story was excellent, and the  dialogue was spot on. 

Only thing I would mention is the end of it. In general it was  fantastic, a really beautiful sentiment, but I feel it would have had a  greater impact without the 'suddenly realised' line. It felt a little  like telling, when you do a wonderful job of showing us immediately  afterwards.


Birb

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5
Tone and Voice - 4/5
Effect - 8/10
Total - 15/20

This was such a creepy story, I loved it. There were a few spelling  errors that could have been caught, but they didn't take away from the  story. There were also one or two moments where I wasn't sure about the  time, if it was in the past or present sort of thing, but again, didn't  really take away from story. Overall, I felt the build up, the pace, and  the final reveal were all excellent, and I enjoyed the creepy vibe all  the way through.


Serra

Spelling and Grammar - 4/5
Tone and Voice - 4/5
Effect - 7/10
Total 15/20

A really whimsical piece, I love how much character you put in with such  little space. I feel that some of your word choices took away from this  effect a little, particularly the 'human' paragraph. The use of 'human'  felt a little unnatural, and hurt the surrealist feel. I really feel  the story got into its stride describing the denizens above, it really  felt like a children's story! I do wish there could have been another  100 or 200 words available for this piece (or maybe even more!) just to  see where it goes!


Anonymous - Spare Room

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5
Tone and Voice - 4/5
Effect - 5/10
Total - 12/20

This was a really interesting piece, and an fascinating image. I loved  the gothic feel, and the mystery of it all was intriguing. 

I feel that you had such a clear idea of what you wanted to get across,  that it at times got in the way of the actual story and the very heavy  description slowed the pace down quite a lot. I feel some direct action  would address this really nicely, a bit of dialogue, a close up of the  character's faces as they see the room, a few additional senses (some  smell, maybe some sound) would have really brought the whole piece  alive.

A huge amount of potential in this, and very much looking forward to seeing where it goes.


Anonymous  - Floor Above

Spelling and Grammar - 4/5
Tone and Voice - 5/5
Effect - 7/10
Total 16/20

This story achieved something really quite remarkable, at least in my  opinion, by balancing some fairly dark ideas with a light,  conversational, and humorous tone. It was engaging from the beginning,  and there were some great turns of phrases (burning the nether regions  made me chuckle). The idea was intriguing as well, though I feel that at  the end there was a bit of confusion as to what exactly happened, and  how the main character was killed. Overall though I loved the voice of  the piece, and was happy to read more!



So there, you have it. We've done the analyses, crunched the data, and run this through a committee, whereby, after much clunking and wheezing, the LM machinery informs us of the following:



Writer/StoryModeranMousePotTotalBlackstone – The Floor Above171616.5xXx – -flash point vanish vantage-181416SueC – Upstairs171717Birb – Never Go Upstairs141514.5Serra – Make-Believe171516Anonymous(tgmittens) – The Spare Room121212Anonymous(shinyford) – Floor Above161616


So: in third place, we have a three way tie, of *shinyford*, *Serra *and *-xXx-*

In second, it's *Blackstone *with "The Floor Above"

And in first, qualifiying for another LM Pulitzer, I give you...


*SueC *with *"Upstairs"*! :fireworks: :rapturous applause: :streamers:
:champagne:​ 

Thank you to all the entrants and judges - it is you who make this comp what it is


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## moderan (May 8, 2018)

Congratulations to the winner and all of the contestants. Keep those pencils sharp! May is already here.

ETA: Moar judges please! C'mon people. Especially you pro people. I do it for George. Certainly some others can think of a reason.

ETA2: I used to inveigle (or embarrass) the other mods into doing it. *wink, wink*


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## SueC (May 8, 2018)

Thanks so much for the effort of the judges, and the other contestants were super! I appreciate the positive comments - one and all, you make this work. Thanks again.:hi:


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## shinyford (May 9, 2018)

Congrats SueC - and thanks to the judges for the comments. Greatly appreciated.


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## Deleted member 61744 (May 9, 2018)

Well done Sue C 
 Thank you judges for your comments; they really help me know how to improve. I had a lot of fun with this prompt.


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