# "Penitence" Part 1



## Writer-1 (Aug 27, 2018)

This is the first 10 pages of a screenplay I'm writing called "Penitence". Let me know what you think and how I can possibly improve on it. WARNING: some language.

FADE IN:

Title Card: “He who is penitent is almost innocent.” -Seneca the Younger

EXT. FOREST-CAMPFIRE-NIGHT [DREAM]

A clear, starry night. A WOMAN tends to the campfire, humming “Jesus Loves Me” without a care.

A figure walks out of the woods, a wandering man named CHAD DEVLIN. He’s in his mid-50’s and handsome, wearing a nicer suit than he should in the woods.

She hears his footsteps and stops humming, turning to face him. He’s shocked.

CHAD
Julia?

JULIA
(Smiles)
It has begun. Wake up, Chad.

CUT TO:

INT. DEVLIN HOUSEHOLD-MASTER BEDROOM-MORNING

Chad wakes with a start. A cell phone BUZZES ominously. 

He answers --

CHAD
(Into phone)
Hello?

VOICE
(Over phone)
Is this a Mister Chad Devlin?

CUT TO:

INT. MORGUE-AFTERNOON

Chad walks in with SHERIFF DICKMAN next to him, guiding the man to the MORTICIAN standing next to a pulled-out slab with a covered body on it.

SHERIFF DICKMAN
You might want to prepare yourself, Mister Devlin. Just in case --
(Pause)
-- you know.

CHAD
I’ll be fine, Sheriff.

The Sheriff nods to the Mortician, who pulls back the sheet.

Chad clenches his teeth, his fists, practically every muscle in his body. The corpse is a handsome young man with a dead look in his eyes and a DEEP SLIT from one end of his jawbone to the other. 

Chad’s eyes TEAR UP, but he keeps his composure. He says what he’s said a million times, but now with sadness in his voice:

CHAD (CONT’D)
That’s my son.

The Mortician covers the body.

CHAD (CONT’D)
Let me see the autopsy report.

SHERIFF DICKMAN
Mister Devlin, I don’t think --

CHAD
(Curt)
Just give me the fucking report.

The Mortician takes a folder off a nearby desk and hands it Chad, who starts reading through it. Certain words stand out.

Shattered spinal column. Broken nose. Fractured jaw.

*Shattered*. *Broken*. *Fractured*.

Chad’s hands begin to shake, either with sadness or rage.

The Sheriff pulls out a box and hands it to Chad.

SHERIFF DICKMAN
Your son’s personal effects.

Chad sifts through it, searching for something.

CHAD
He was wearing a watch. A rather expensive watch.

SHERIFF DICKMAN
No watch was recovered. I could canvas the crime scene again, but --

Chad waves him off, deciding to believe him. In walks FATHER JOHN BISHOP. A priest from farmer’s stock, he’s older but still a strong man. He would be just at home behind the wheel of a tractor as he would be at a pulpit.

Chad walks toward the door with what little strength he has left. Before he leaves:

JOHN
I’m sorry for your loss, Mister Devlin.

CHAD
(Pauses)
Not as sorry as I am.

Chad pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. He dials, and after a few rings:

SUSAN
(Over phone)
Hello?

CHAD
(Into phone)
Susan, I think you need to sit down for what I have to tell you.

We go to BLACK before hearing a woman SCREAM BLOODY MURDER over a phone.

Title Card:
PENITENCE

CUT TO:

INT. ST. ALPHONSUS CHURCH-CHICAGO-DAY

CAPTION: One Week Later

A high-ceiling church with blue and gold domes. Highly ornate, but with a warm atmosphere.

Adam’s funeral. A closed casket sits with a large high school portrait of Adam next to it.

The song ‘His Eye is On the Sparrow’ is bellowed with the grace of angelic choirs. Some mourners visit the casket while others sob and console one another.

In the front pew we see CHAD DEVLIN staring blankly at his son’s coffin. Near him is his wife, SUSAN. She looks like a former pageant winner. Warm with a feel of motherly prominence, able to sense emotional changes of someone in the room.

Next to her is their daughter, ELIZABETH. Eighteen years old and looks every bit as innocent as her age. 

For the moment, Elizabeth is crying into her mother’s bosom as Susan tries to console her. She looks over her daughter’s head to the back of the church and sees something she holds contempt for. 

Chad sits staring at the coffin, unaware of what’s behind him. Suddenly, a hand gently lands on his shoulder and gives a subtle squeeze.

Broken from his trance, Chad looks to see who it is. 

VOICE (O.S.)
(Irish accent)
How are you holding up, little muppet?

CHAD
(Standing up)
Fitzy.

The man known as FITZY pulls Chad into a big bear hug. A tall Irishman with a strong jaw and a lean build, he wears a suit equally as comfortable as Chad does.

Behind him are four trusted associates, all of them known to Chad, as well as Fitzy’s wife LAUREN.

Susan gets up and makes sure that she is between Fitzy and Elizabeth, a brooding look of protective instinct draped on her face like war paint.

FITZY
(Goes for a hug)
Susan, been a long time.

SUSAN
(Reaches for a handshake)
Yes, it certainly has been.

Animosity towards Fitzy as he, a little thrown off from the cold shoulder, politely kisses the back of Susan’s hand instead.

FITZY
(Looking over Susan’s shoulder)
And who’s the little sprout behind you there?

SUSAN
That would be our daughter.

ELIZABETH
(Reaches for handshake)
Elizabeth Devlin. How do you do?

FITZY
(Shakes hands)
I do very well, thank you.

The two exchange a warm smile, but Fitzy’s eyes also see the cold glare in Susan’s expression.

SUSAN
Will you be coming to the wake as well?

FITZY
(Pause)
Only if we’re allowed. Otherwise, we’ll leave you to mourn in peace.

Susan looks to her husband. His eyes plead with her. 

He needs his best friend today.

SUSAN
(Pause)
Okay, but only for today.

FITZY
(Nods)
Okay Susan, only for today.

CUT TO:

INT. DEVLIN HOUSEHOLD-DAY

Several neighbors and relatives congregate in the house, an all-American home that you would find anywhere. 

-A man goes for more dip for his potato chips. 

-A couple of children play ‘Patty-Cake’ in the living room

-Susan and Lauren hug as they talk. Two friends catching up.

Elizabeth stands nearby, preoccupied with the Irishman guarding the door to the basement.

CUT TO:

INT. DEVLIN HOUSEHOLD-BASEMENT-DAY

A two-room basement. In one room is a washer and dryer along with assorted workout equipment, including a couple treadmills and an unused punching bag. In the other room, a flat screen T.V. hangs on the wall with several chairs and a sofa in front of it and a bar behind them. Several ornaments surround the room, beer signs and sports teams’ logos.

At the bar, Fitzy and Chad sit on a few barstools and share a swig of very expensive whiskey. 

Fitzy looks around the room, a nostalgic look on his face.

FITZY
Remember the first time I was in this room?

CHAD
(Deep thought)
(Sudden realization)
Wasn’t that the night you brought Charlie here, with all those bullet holes in him?

FITZY
(Light laughter)
Yeah it was. That was also the night Susan found out what you really did for a living.

The two BUST OUT LAUGHING.

CHAD
(Wiping tears away)
I was so fucking scared that she would castrate me in my sleep!

The men continue laughing for a moment before they slow to a somber stop.

Several painful moments of silence permeate the room.

Chad takes another swig of the liquor.

FITZY
I know you’re retired and all. And I respect that you’ve stayed out 
for so long. Some guys can’t help but scratch that itch.
(Beat)
But if you need help finding the people who did this, just know that I’m there for you brother.

CHAD
(Nods)
I know you are.

FITZY
Even if all you want to do is turn them in.

CHAD
(Smiles)
I know, Fitzy. I never told you this, but I always knew that no matter how bad things got, I knew I could always depend you with my life.

Fitzy’s eyes begin to tear up when he hears FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. 

It’s Elizabeth. She’s worried.

ELIZABETH
Dad, the police are here.

Chad instantly looks at Fitzy, who holds his hands up in surrender.

FITZY
I haven’t done anything illegal.
(Pause)
Lately.

CUT TO:

INT. DEVLIN HOUSEHOLD-KITCHEN-DAY

Chad, Fitzy, and Elizabeth walk up the stairs to find DETECTIVE MONDAY and SERGEANT KOHLER talking with Susan and Lauren. Detective Monday is older, more experienced. His hand is always resting on his holster. Sergeant Kohler is wet behind the ears in every sense, but has the youth and energy to be down for whatever.

Susan’s concerned. Lauren’s ready for a fight.

Everybody knows each other, and they all have bad blood from the past.

CHAD
Detective Monday, what a surprise.

DETECTIVE MONDAY
(Looks at Fitzy)
Yeah, almost feels like a big reunion.

FITZY
(Sarcastic but insulting)
If this is a reunion, then where’s the fried chicken?

SERGEANT KOHLER
(Curt)
Oh, you’re funny.

DETECTIVE MONDAY
(Holds up hands)
Peace, man. I didn’t come here to start shit. 
(To Chad)
I came here to tell you some news. I’ve been staying updated on your son’s case, and about an hour ago I got a phone call.
(Pause)
They arrested your son’s killers, Chad.

The whole room goes wide-eyed and silent for a second of disbelief.

DETECTIVE MONDAY (CONT’D)
They’re being held, without bail, until trial.

Word passes from person to person throughout the house. Susan breaks down in Chad’s arms, crying tears of joy. Elizabeth leans back against the kitchen counter, breathing fast and unsure of what to think.

Detective Monday gives them their moment to let it sink in.

After the celebrating dies down, he speaks to Chad.

DETECTIVE MONDAY (CONT’D)
And that’s why I came here, so that I could talk to you about it.
(Eyes Fitzy)
In private.

CHAD
Okay, we can talk outside.

Chad looks at everyone else. Fitzy, with an instinct, doesn’t trust it. Susan’s eyes scream ‘worry’. Elizabeth is confused.

CHAD (CONT’D)
(Half-smile)
It’s alright. I’ll just be a minute.

CUT TO:

EXT. DEVLIN HOUSEHOLD-FRONT STEPS-DAY

A beautiful day. Sunny with sparse clouds. Some kids ride by on their bikes to wherever.

Chad, Detective Monday, and Sergeant Kohler walk towards the curb and stop just far enough away from the house so that they’re the only ones who can hear the conversation.

DETECTIVE MONDAY
Look Chad, I know you’re hurting. I know I’m not your friend. And odds are you still got it in your brain to ignore the advice of a cop. 

Chad NODS in reluctant agreeance.

DETECTIVE MONDAY (CONT’D)
Let the law take care of this, Chad. They got all the evidence they need to put these guys away for life. And this time, even I’m pulling for you. Just let the law handle it.

The Detective looks to the front window of the house. Susan is standing there, watching them talk.

DETECTIVE MONDAY (CONT’D)
Your family has been through enough, losing Adam.
(Beat)
They don’t need to lose you, too.

CHAD
(Beat)
I don’t plan on dying anytime soon.

DETECTIVE MONDAY
I don’t just mean that kind of loss.
(Pause)
You’ve been out of the life a long time, Chad. You’ve got a good family, a good home. Most people in your former line of work don’t even have an idea of what that’s like. For your family’s sake, as well as for your own, don’t fuck it up. Okay?

CHAD
(Nods)
I don’t plan to.

The men all SHAKE HANDS as the cops leave Chad standing there, contemplating his options.

BAILIFF (V.O.)
All rise!


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## Harper J. Cole (Sep 16, 2018)

I don't know too much about script-writing, but the format looks about right. In terms of the structure, starting out with two extremely brief scenes might make for a choppy experience onscreen. I also feel that Chad's composure upon seeing his son's body might make it harder for the audience to relate to him. An interesting start, though.

HJC


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## Writer-1 (Sep 18, 2018)

Thank you very much for your input, Harper. I know that it seems incomplete without knowing the rest of the story. And maybe that's my fault for not making it more clear for the audience. But seriously, thank you very much.


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## KenTR (Aug 27, 2019)

Good going! The dialogue is great and the visuals keep it moving. If I had to be picky, I'd adjust some of your description:

_Eighteen years old and looks every bit as innocent as her age. _Eighteen year olds are not necessarily innocent.

_Susan’s eyes scream ‘worry’. _Eyes don't scream.

_..the cops leave Chad standing there, *contemplating* his options. _I'm thinking it should just be "contemplating". You should try to express a character's thoughts/intentions through dialogue and action. The viewing audience would have no way of knowing exactly what Chad was contemplating, so it's not necessary to add the word "options".

_Adam’s funeral. _Should be _Chad's son Adam's funeral_. I don't believe you mentioned his name before.


If I non-committedly clicked this on Netflix, I would probably want to keep watching at this point.


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## Pulse (Mar 15, 2020)

Writer-1

I don't read many contemporary scripts but I like this.

Reflecting, I thought we had begun in the mortuary; I'd forgotten Julia.

The title 'Penitence' makes the high-church funeral feel appropriate.  I find Susan curious and wonder what part she has played in the story so far - but as I said, I had forgotten Julia and do wonder what has 'begun'.  Then I noticed she was part of a dream.  

I like the way Fitsy arouses some sense of nostalgia for criminal life in Chad.  I can see the death of his son could be used as an excuse for revenge, since I doubt Adam's killers are the only ones involved in the chain; but since there is so much I do not know, I am eager to learn more.  What part religion plays in your plot is also interesting.


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