# The Easy(?) Way Out



## gokedik (Sep 1, 2014)

My Grandmother committed suicide, in May, 1998. But every suicide is like an iceberg, there’s a lot more to it. She shot herself with the gun that I touched as a child. The police report said that is was a .38 but I know for a fact it was a .32, I played with it, a child knows their favorite toys, up and down. I saw.32 On the beginning of the barrel. The police remarked that she knew exactly where to put the bullet, I guess she got the brain stem. My Mother found the body with a note saying, “I just can’t do this anymore.” And her wedding ring sat by the paper. It was a revolver, S&W and two rounds were shot, one out the back to make sure it worked and get a feel for the gun, and one to take care of business, the police speculated

	Mom might have known a little, but Grandma was in some serious pain. The cartilage in between the disc’s in her back had dissolved and now it was bone on bone, in the core of her physical being, her spine. She told my Mom that the pain pills made her dizzy. I’m sure it was just Vicodin, but at her advanced age, I can understand. My Mom spoke to her mom every night like clockwork. Mom was holding something back from her daughter. My Mother’s 
eyes were never the same, stained by pain, eternally full of tears that are held back by resolve.

	My Grandmother whom I called “Mom” because that’s what I heard my Mother say.  She was all I knew when I started talking. I was a learn by example kid. ‘Mom’ had a drinking problem, pretty bad. She did something to someone else’s car to make her lose her license. I saw books like, “The power of positive thinking” and “Dianetics” but she also had “The Final Exit” on the shelf.  The latter was, apparently, the only one read. I got a phone call while I was sleeping I heard dead and then I heard gun, that’s it. My family treated it, as if, it were no different than any other death we’ve experienced. For my younger sisters it was their first.

	In my head I was screaming, “NO! She shot herself! We need to talk about it. But my Mother refused, didn’t want to traumatize the girls, anymore than they were already. So, once again, I sucked it up. Already suffering from a long bought with depression, my Mother didn’t know nor see me. I was way out of the house, by then, and self-medicating at all times. But this hit me in the gut and I know it was hard for my Mother. I felt like “mom” stole my thunder. I’m not a follower I’m a trail blazer. So, suicide got swept off the table with one phone call. And her body to be made into ashes then dispersed by a company with a boat. It’s all too fast for me.1,2,3 she’s gone. I do not want to be revived if I fall unconscious and I think I want to be buried. My family handles death almost robotically, I want to throw a wrench into the machine. I don’t want them to spend unnecessary time with my death but I don’t want to be, almost, disguarded, either. My body is my vessel and I kinda’ like it and would like it treated with respect.

	I felt like someone now knew my secrets. They’re just not physically occupying space where I do. But I had enough sense to talk to her, how was she? And her husband, grandpa? I had only two experiences with death, the first, my grandfather. And I just couldn’t believe that he couldn’t be found ANYWHERE on the planet. But with mom it wasn’t like that. I had gotten a lethal diagnosis and understood what that black as black figure was a  couple years earlier, at the foot of my bed, in broad daylight. My diagnosis was bigger than me, I believed at that time, Death and I have spoken and have an agreement. And there’s a giant suicide clause.

	 I didn’t want to live anymore, at 8 years old, due to abuse, but did not yet understand the concept of suicide. As an adult these thoughts subversively overtook my mind, like a cavalry on a winning streak taking a hill. It took decades for me to seek help and be given a diagnosis. I became an obsessed with my own death, not praying at night, in bed, but imaging my death in an assortment of scenarios and what they would feel like. I decided drowning is the worst due to your body shutting down slow. Your brain being the last. This introduced me to modern psychology, in my late twenties. I didn’t like my psychiatrist from the start, at all, she was an older lady with a gray bob haircut. She had a name I could never pronounce and I thought I was good with foreign words and names. She was reading, what she could see, like a book. I sat, never having been to a head doctor,  feeling vulnerable because I let myself. She was going to HELP me, right? But she was as jaded as they come. There was nothing I could tell her that she hadn’t already heard, at least that’s what she said. Psychiatry, I immediately became suspicious of, it had blaring pitfalls, that I could number at the time. 

	I had my first therapist, with whom I was supposed to trust with EVERYTHING. I was suspicious of that. So, I eventually, bought in and told her what’s up with my heart. But then my head came into the picture, like, whats reeeaally going on in there or is it just a monkey playing cymbals. For me it was a little of both. But I told her that I was scoping out the route to the clinic for shady spots where I could score some dope. Complete confidentiality, right? Wrong, I got kicked out of the spot that I had and the landlord said, “And stop looking to the street for drugs.” What? I told that to so and so. But then I met a therapist that I have maintained a connection with, and began to not fear speaking what’s going through MY head, and have someone who will listen. It’s a wonderful thing, if you can open up and be vulnerable, it works even better. Age has brought  transparency, it seems. Been there, done that, everywhere except, where I’m going. If I am to go. For me, I don’t get depressed anymore, I out grew that. Some days I want to live and some days I just want to die. It’s that simple.

	But suicide was always a big question for me. Is life worth hanging onto? I never believed in spiritual consequences for anything except the taking of a life, suicide is obviously a convoluted subject. Does enough pain justify suicide, and if so, how much? And how would I go out? How do I want to be found? Or, do I? I would want to make one, loud, eternal piece of art. I pondered this over and over, even shared my methods with others and them with me. But how are pills gonna stop that? And if they can change how I think, I don’t want any. The brain is a mystery and cures or maintenance drugs become available almost before the disease. Like Baxter Pharmaceutical patenting the Bird Flu, two years prior to it becoming a pandemic, an American company. The audacity of medicine! But for some it truly works, But I wonder how much is psychosomatic. As mysterious it is, so is it’s power. You are responsible for your own reality.

	Hanging isn’t like on TV, unless you use your garage. It takes a lot to snap your neck and if you fail and asphyxiate yourself. A terribly slow way to die, and suffering the whole time, for air. I’ve seen scars on a women’s wrists, in hospitals, the staple marks, at least. And they’re doing it wrong, even vertical is dicey. You have to hit an artery, and would be my choice. I’ve wanted to be writing as I pass. And only when an entertainer commits suicide do we talk about it. And that’s mental health, in general. I’d guess that there are more people, in denial, than there are actual patients. I outgrew my depression. A mild anxiety disorder took over. Now, I see it as a great waste of energy. But, every morning, there is still that question. That comes at night, for me, I guess because I’m just about to speak to my maker, in prayers. Darkness, taking it’s last, pathetic, swing.


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## Ayumi (Sep 2, 2014)

Such a sad story, and I'm sorry to hear this all happened to you (if it has). I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better now, not feeling as depressed as before. It was a nice piece of writing and gripped me to the end.

Ayumi


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## gokedik (Sep 2, 2014)

Ayumi said:


> Such a sad story, and I'm sorry to hear this all happened to you (if it has). I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better now, not feeling as depressed as before. It was a nice piece of writing and gripped me to the end.
> 
> Ayumi


 Yes, this was one of MY true stories and thank you for the well wish and I hope everyone who reads anything I write to be gripped to the end. That was a wonderful compliment, Thank you for you time.


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## Pandora (Sep 3, 2014)

Those left behind suffer so, especially the children. I'm sorry gokedik. I agree, written beautifully. Your heart opens wide when you write. 

The past two decades have changed my view on suicide. After I beat my demons I felt all should. That each should be strong enough to go on and not hurt those they would leave behind, those dealing with the loss and maybe even guilt. Then I lived some more and saw great suffering and pain, physical, emotional, both. Now I look at the person not the suicide because they are so much more than how they left this world. They had a life to be recognized, they made history, they made children, life. I focus on that because that is who they are. 

Like you, there are days I want to live and days I want to die, not unusual. I conquered suicide but the choice remains, as far as I can see that is as it should be.


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## dither (Sep 3, 2014)

I hate that people call it "the easy way out".

That's all.


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## farahnaazz (Sep 3, 2014)

good article but sad story never think of suicide
may god give you good life


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## gokedik (Sep 3, 2014)

Pandora said:


> Those left behind suffer so, especially the children. I'm sorry gokedik. I agree, written beautifully. Your heart opens wide when you write.
> 
> The past two decades have changed my view on suicide. After I beat my demons I felt all should. That each should be strong enough to go on and not hurt those they would leave behind, those dealing with the loss and maybe even guilt. Then I lived some more and saw great suffering and pain, physical, emotional, both. Now I look at the person not the suicide because they are so much more than how they left this world. They had a life to be recognized, they made history, they made children, life. I focus on that because that is who they are.
> 
> Like you, there are days I want to live and days I want to die, not unusual. I conquered suicide but the choice remains, as far as I can see that is as it should be.


 First of all, if I hadn't said it enough, Thank you for reading, your time, and your response.

I can tell you have a great ability to empathize and I Thank God for the creation of you and women, in general, because you, as a whole, are often more empathetic than men. Not that men AREN'T, I'm not saying that, but women are not afraid to be seen as empathetic, having no need for machismo. 

I came face to face with my own nerve, once. Living at a home full of men "supposedly" staying sober and I was just feeling down, on the bottom floor, so I thought. Then I fell through a trap door and I saw that I could feel even worse. So, I tied a proper noose out of an extension chord and hid it under a lounge chair in the back yard. All my housemates went to an alcoholics anonymous meeting and there wasn't room for me in the car, I  don't know but I stayed home alone. I went and sat on said lounge chair on the nice green grass looked for a place to tie the rope off, in case I wanted to go through with it. At the time, I walked with a cane. I had, in my head, a tie off place, but I would have to climb up on a rickety, rusted by the rare rain we get out here, chair. And get the noose around my head at which point I'm sure I would fall off the chair anyway. But there was not enough space to break my neck, so I would just struggle and struggle until I could no gather any air in my lungs, and the at which point your brain is cut off and you gray-out. Kind of like fainting but desperate and wishing you could reverse time, deciding that your problems were not that big. Apologizing to God...not for me, if I was going to decided how I was going to die, that would not be it. It is a question that if has never crossed your mind, on occasion, I would, very humbly, like to know what your taking. Unless it's children. There enough little carbon footprints running around

Staying globally conscious is great for depression. Because if you have the never to fret over your problems after seeing Children living in virtual squalor and  getting shot for speaking up, as we do here on WritingForums.com, then whatd'ya' need, maybe I can help.

Thank you dearly, clearly and perpetually for the vote of confidence that my mentor gave me, once, then wanted to negate it. No can do, you said it and that's that. I told him a good teacher always watches their student pass them by, you should be flattered. No response to that one. But nonetheless I started thinking, "Hey, I CAN do this" but have maintained that I'm just a willing vessel for the Muse to speak from. Thank you Thank you Thank you.


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## Pandora (Sep 3, 2014)

I like your candor I'm always there with you gokedik, an open heart you are. You remind me much of a dear one, he is thirty now, we have been through so much together. It is nice you are here with us, I want to know more, whatever it is you want to share.

I've been blessed to know and love men who are definitely not macho, I guess that is who I attract, kinder gentler. Or is that what I demand . .  ha!


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## Seedy M. (Sep 3, 2014)

This last is telling me much about you. You don't know what's been going on in my life lately, but it makes me feel empathy. You have had a hard row to hoe. This is the first post by you that has so many "mechanical mistakes" in the telling. I can accept this as totally sincere from that. Writing styles leave out psychological directives.
I respect where you're coming from. You and I have a lot more in common that "outsiders" would believe. I had a totally charmed life until the past few years. It is now steadily and more rapidly going downhill. I have studied voodoo and those things because I didn't believe this could be happening without some such influence. I met a supposed voodoo queen in Chiriqui Grande. The first thing she said when we came face-to-face was, "Mon, you done got a powerful curse on you soul." (She was Jamaican.)
That was scary. My wife's father was a papaloi. I saw things that I couldn't explain that would curl your hair.
Whatever, don't ever let that kind of thing get to you. You are intelligent and a person who considers things before you react. Don't let that change. It would make a different person of you. You are a good person. Don't allow anything to change that. We will disagree about any number of things, but never lose sight of the simple fact that I do respect you, as I always respect intelligent people.
I am a bit drunk at the moment. I was (here goes the "It's not my fault" part) in a local bar, a man had a guitar, I used to perform....
It makes me more honest (_in vino veritas_) and less coherent. I tend to say what I really think. Suppose I had thought you were...? That's the booze talking.
Yes. You definitely can do this. So do it.


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## gokedik (Sep 4, 2014)

Seedy M. said:


> This last is telling me much about you. You don't know what's been going on in my life lately, but it makes me feel empathy. You have had a hard row to hoe. This is the first post by you that has so many "mechanical mistakes" in the telling. I can accept this as totally sincere from that. Writing styles leave out psychological directives.
> I respect where you're coming from. You and I have a lot more in common that "outsiders" would believe. I had a totally charmed life until the past few years. It is now steadily and more rapidly going downhill. I have studied voodoo and those things because I didn't believe this could be happening without some such influence. I met a supposed voodoo queen in Chiriqui Grande. The first thing she said when we came face-to-face was, "Mon, you done got a powerful curse on you soul." (She was Jamaican.)
> That was scary. My wife's father was a papaloi. I saw things that I couldn't explain that would curl your hair.
> Whatever, don't ever let that kind of thing get to you. You are intelligent and a person who considers things before you react. Don't let that change. It would make a different person of you. You are a good person. Don't allow anything to change that. We will disagree about any number of things, but never lose sight of the simple fact that I do respect you, as I always respect intelligent people.
> ...


 One more time, Thank you for you time, reading and critique. I valued every word. I have read many books Santeria and I know enough to know what is bad and what is OK, but one can be disguised as the other. And Santeria, in general is fairly benign, but it's brother and I won't even say the name for fear of unintentionally calling upon things which I can't send back. I have in the past, and in a very dark part of my life, built an altar, not to say that's a dark thing 'cause it's not but mine not only protected me from a gang's retribution, I was careless back then and with a spray paint can violated their territory, but also got me out of the place where I was dying, I sure as hell didn't live there. I've knew someone, in the past who was a witch, and versed in Eurpoean and American occult, said that they had a degree to prove it. But they ran an escort service and used drugs to ply people's will. So, I'm a little leery about the whole subject but absolutely believe in the supernatural. And have good reason to. But that's not for now. I have never seen life as "charmed", but that's not what I signed up for. I've heard that word before but just haven't had that experience. Respect is a valuable commodity and I sincerely appreciate you giving me yours and recognizing my honesty for which I wrote that response with. Many think I'm on the wrong side of the fence but I'm really tired of sitting on them or climbing others...I'm staying. At least for now. And that last question, does it really matter one way or the other? I've been single for 18 years. Not that I like it, it's just the responsible thing to do. I'm 40, you can do the Math. Thanks for your response.

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Seedy M. said:


> This last is telling me much about you. You don't know what's been going on in my life lately, but it makes me feel empathy. You have had a hard row to hoe. This is the first post by you that has so many "mechanical mistakes" in the telling. I can accept this as totally sincere from that. Writing styles leave out psychological directives.
> I respect where you're coming from. You and I have a lot more in common that "outsiders" would believe. I had a totally charmed life until the past few years. It is now steadily and more rapidly going downhill. I have studied voodoo and those things because I didn't believe this could be happening without some such influence. I met a supposed voodoo queen in Chiriqui Grande. The first thing she said when we came face-to-face was, "Mon, you done got a powerful curse on you soul." (She was Jamaican.)
> That was scary. My wife's father was a papaloi. I saw things that I couldn't explain that would curl your hair.
> Whatever, don't ever let that kind of thing get to you. You are intelligent and a person who considers things before you react. Don't let that change. It would make a different person of you. You are a good person. Don't allow anything to change that. We will disagree about any number of things, but never lose sight of the simple fact that I do respect you, as I always respect intelligent people.
> ...


 One more time, Thank you for you time, reading and critique. I valued every word. I have read many books Santeria and I know enough to know what is bad and what is OK, but one can be disguised as the other. And Santeria, in general is fairly benign, but it's brother and I won't even say the name for fear of unintentionally calling upon things which I can't send back. I have in the past, and in a very dark part of my life, built an altar, not to say that's a dark thing 'cause it's not but mine not only protected me from a gang's retribution, I was careless back then and with a spray paint can violated their territory, but also got me out of the place where I was dying, I sure as hell didn't live there. I've knew someone, in the past who was a witch, and versed in Eurpoean and American occult, said that they had a degree to prove it. But they ran an escort service and used drugs to ply people's will. So, I'm a little leery about the whole subject but absolutely believe in the supernatural. And have good reason to. But that's not for now. I have never seen life as "charmed", but that's not what I signed up for. I've heard that word before but just haven't had that experience. Respect is a valuable commodity and I sincerely appreciate you giving me yours and recognizing my honesty for which I wrote that response with. Many think I'm on the wrong side of the fence but I'm really tired of sitting on them or climbing others...I'm staying. At least for now. And that last question, does it really matter one way or the other? I've been single for 18 years. Not that I like it, it's just the responsible thing to do. I'm 40, you can do the Math. Thanks for your response.


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## escorial (Sep 6, 2014)

a tuff thing to write and a tuff thing to read...well done


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