# Adventures in Whoreland (not sexual)( Language Warning)



## Stephanie Jones (Feb 1, 2011)

I can’t lie; a large part of me wants to be a reckless, carefree whore. I know how to protect myself and make sure I don’t get pregnant or catch some form of the clap or whatever, but essentially I kind of want to be a whore for a while, try it out, see if it fits. I was eating lunch yesterday and decided that I would have to figure out some way to become a whore, but still retain the general respect level from my peers. My friend Suzy said she thought it was a great idea to experiment with sexual liberation. I did a little research. It seems that whores nearly always end up being spotted in a crowd, they are never let off the hook as guys are, and whores seem to be kind of stupid or at least come off as being stupid, with the exception of Suzy. The other aspect of being a whore of sorts, which interests me, is the emotional detachment that seems to come with being a whore. Suzy seems so pleased with her lineup of potential catches and never seems to be concerned about the ramifications of her actions. Self-satisfaction is paramount and I would like to think that I can achieve that level of removal from emotions and attachment to others. I have decided to take a social-documentary approach to my transformation and have committed to write down my changes. I have set a timeline of one month for complete whore-formation to ensue and have several people monitoring my actions to make sure I don’t end up on the evening news. So, here goes nothing.



Day 1

I decided to try and dress more appropriately with some whore daytime wear. I purchased the same low v-neck sweater in seven different colors, two pairs of skinny jeans and two pairs of stiletto heels. My local Macy’s junior department seems to cater to the inner whore in its target demographic and I was able to score some major deals. I left Macy’s and went to Target for some siren makeup. The check out girl never raised an eyebrow at my fire hydrant red lipstick, rouge, or false eyelashes with diamonds on the tips. I also purchased Cosmopolitan – for the inner whore, Red Book – for the aging whore, Oprah – for the whore needing to be empowered and Cooking Light – to keep up a whore-tastic body. Being a whore is turning out to be kind of exciting, but expensive. When I got home I watched a couple hours of Discovery channel; it was a show about predators and prey. I hope after I master being a whore I can move up to being a Gold-Digger. Fingers crossed!



Day 2

I dressed in my black v-neck sweater, dark wash skinny jeans, stilettos and said a quick prayer and thanks to Billy Blanks and Denise Richards for giving me a fantastic body and headed out to the club after creating a Texas sized gaggle of curls in my hair. Some friends were gathering for post work drinks and dancing and I felt like the number of judgmental eyes would be most helpful in my first whore experiment. On the way to the bar I did have some trouble with my false eyelashes, they kept impairing my vision and I nearly ripped them off a mile away from my house, but I had to remind myself of my goal, so I drove really slowly, and it took me twice as long to get there as it should have. Upon arriving, I received several peculiar looks from those “in the loop”; I suppose they didn’t think I was serious. This is what’s wrong with people today! They never take other people seriously. When Jerry from accounting said that he was going to rape the firm for all he could before he quit, people just laughed and said, “You’re funny Jerry!” When Jerry was arrested for stealing nearly $40,000 two weeks after his “joke”, those same people stood around like flamingos holding coffee cups, parroting, “I just never guessed Jerry would do something like that, how sad!” Fools.

Remembering the narrator of the program I watched last night, I looked around the room for my first…subject. I caught the eye of a business casual type guy. I say business casual because he was dressed with the standard starched shirt and dress slacks, but he threw a blazer on, to help people understand that he’s not as uptight as his shirt-slack combo suggests, and given the physical space and a bottle of wine, would break out doing the worm on the dance floor unprompted. Walking in really tight jeans and stilettos is kind of hard, because you are literally on stilts, but you aren’t allowed proper balancing movement due to the unyielding stretch of your jeans. After a couple well thought out foot placements I was able to make it to my target.



“Hey, can I buy you a drink?” he asked, eyeing me like a well constructed stock portfolio.

“Sure, I’d enjoy an Appletini, thanks” I blinked several times. I would have rather had a cold beer, but I wanted to seem fragile and dainty.

Flagging the cocktail waitress down he ordered two drinks for us each and asked her to bring them, as we were half done with the then current drink. Wow, how considerate and demanding I thought, so I tossed my hair over my shoulder and blinked a bunch more to show him my appreciation.

            By the way, this guy was super-dull, all he wanted to talk about was how awesome he was and some other things about shit I could care less about. He kept touching my arm and I ended up forcing myself to not yank it back in revulsion. Being a whore is tough work! About three drinks in, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere quieter so we could get to know each other better. I didn’t know what to do because my natural response would be to say no, so I blinked seven times and smiled really big and excused myself to the restroom. I saw my friends at a table that was the same direction as the bathrooms and stopped by to take my shoes off and rub my feet as well as update them to my status. Susie, a lobby receptionist, who I am certain, was inducted into the Whore Hall of Fame years ago suggested I “totally go home with him” because, “you know, he looks like he has a nice sized package”. She lent me her lipstick taser, which doubled as a flashlight and helped me reposition my left eyelash, which had loosened because of all my fierce blinking.

            I made it back to the table where Blazer Guy was closing out his tab. He looked up and I managed to spread a smile across my face that felt like pulling two magnets apart.

“I’m ready” I squeaked.

“Fantastic, you look so hot!” then he actually growled. Like the animals on the show I watched last night.

My mind barely processed his growl so I started laughing really loudly and annoying like Julia Roberts in that prostitute movie, because I started to really panic. I cannot go home with this guy! I don’t know where we are going or if he is going to chop me up into little pieces and serve me with fava beans to his neighbors!

“I parked around back, you should wait here while I pull around” he said.

I waited at the doorway to the club, I turned around to see my friends at the back of the club who were all looking at me in disapproval and shaking their heads, while Susie gave me two thumbs up.

            A grey shiny expensive looking car slowly approached the door and he jumped out to open my door. The car was warn, so I rolled the window down, while strange experimental jazz played quietly in the background. We talked some more about what he did for a living and if he went out that much and he asked some random questions about having kids and past relationships. We stopped at a red light and he turned to look at me and said,

“Oh, God! Are you ok?” 
I pulled down my visor and looked at myself in the mirror. One of my fake eyelashes had become vertical on the outer part of my eye. As the light turned green I managed to rip it and the other off completely, cursing in pain. He didn’t live far from the club because we were pulling into a driveway and he was turning off the engine. I opened my own door and jumped out, glad to feel free from the experimental jazz. I kind of hyperventilated a little when he was opening the front door, and I had to fake cough to distract him.

I tried to look around as little as possible because I didn’t want to know him. He stopped midway down the hall and licked his finger and pressed his moist finger against my chest, “We need to get you out of these wet clothes.” He said.

I was speechless, which he mistook for complete agreement.

He led me down a hallway and into a bedroom and started trying to remove my skinny jeans, which were painted on. He was unsuccessful, so he decided to undress himself and then proceeded to lay in the middle of the bed, naked with his hands behind his head like he was in a reclining chair. I thanked the darkness, because my face involuntarily contorted as if I had just learned that I shit my pants.

“I am going to slip out of these clothes and into something more comfortable” I used the line I had heard on primetime drama romance shows and in plenty of movies. I felt he deserved it, for his amazing pick up lines and captivating conversation.

            I spun around and found the bathroom. I ran the sink water and started breathing heavily. This was the moment that I was supposed to not care about or think too hard on. This was the moment that I was supposed to conquer. I was so confused. I decided to climb out the window and run home and abandon my Whore-Quest. I managed to open the window, but it had a screen on it so I had to kind of destroy it. I opened the mirror medicine cabinet and found an old school razor and cut a square in the screen, just like a professional jewel thief or something. I hauled my body out of the window, by standing on the toilet and unfortunately stilettos have next to no traction, so I ended up slipping with half my body out of the window, I was parallel with it and wedged at the same time. Gravity’s asshole grip conquered and I face planted in the grass. My infallible lipstick picked up bits of dirt and blades of grass and in the process of climbing out of the window I lost a large chuck of hair that got snagged on the screen.

            I thought about going back inside, I wasn’t entirely sure what excuse to use that would explain my appearance, but being a whore didn’t really include these kinds of evasive techniques. I heard the bathroom door being knocked on and took off running into the night. I was lost for two hours because I had no idea that I was running in a giant circle and finally found my way back to the club, hoping to see my friends, but it was closed. I made it home just before sunrise. I endured a horrific walk of shame to the computer to report these findings. I have no idea how I am going to get through the entire month! I played my answering machine as I washed my face; Susie called and said that she was going to a party tomorrow to celebrate the fact that tomorrow was Tuesday. She invited me to come. A quitter never wins and a winner never quits, I suppose.


----------



## The Blue Pencil (Feb 1, 2011)

I thought this was a true story at first! :grin:
The only issue I have with this story is that it is not believable in the least. Why would a girl just randomly decide to be a whore?
Maybe she should have a more substantial reason to change than a simple whim. 
Your writing is really good and I thought the plot was good. The part about the magazines was funny too, might be offensive to some of the readers, though! 
Please add more!


----------



## Ricky Jalapeno (Feb 5, 2011)

_Why would a girl just randomly decide to be a whore?_

First sentence said large part of her wanted to be careless and reckless. She probably wanted to be a whore because she'd be getting with all these guys she knew nothing about and the carelessness thrills her.


----------



## MCMsak (Feb 10, 2011)

I know you're looking for helpful critique, but I have very little - I thought it was really well written and enjoyed it.  You definitely capture a lot with your observational writing about the nature of whoredom, which I think a lot of people can appreciate.  The one thing I might like to see more of would be the dialogue between you and the guy you pick up.  You mention his really crappy pick up lines, but maybe we could see more examples of that than just the few you show.  I understand you don't want to overdo it though.

All in all, a very entertaining read!  I can't wait to see more!


----------



## Stephanie Jones (Mar 7, 2011)

Thank you so much for all the comments. 
I sometimes wonder what goes on in the heads of some girls (loose girls especially). The story is a result of a few beers and watching what goes on at a bar in the middle of the night. I will try to add more. 
Thanks!


----------



## adam_bowman (May 5, 2011)

I think this is a really good idea, but to work better the piece should be expanded a lot. If you could write a thirty day diary of this girl it could be brilliant, showing her complete evolution into a whore and the pitfalls along the way! Then you could also work in back story on the girl along the way and better show why she's doing what she's doing. 

One problem I have: you compare people to both flamingoes and parrots in the same sentence ("people stood around like flamingos holding coffee cups, parroting"), I would change this. Otherwise, it's a great idea and has really good potential to become a very interesting novella.


----------



## Trides (May 10, 2011)

This is funny as heck and I would definitely read more!


----------



## BabaYaga (Jun 21, 2011)

This reminds me a lot of a really funny little piece of chick lit I picked up a while ago called 'The Men's Guide to the Women's Bathroom', which I thoroughly enjoyed. I agree with the previous posters that she needs a slightly more compelling reason to become a 'whore'- maybe she's getting over a bad break up and her bad influence Susie encourages her to play the field to get over her old boyfriend with a lot of temporary new boyfriends... Otherwise lots of great moments! I would definitely pick this up as a fun holiday read if I saw it on the shelf.


----------



## garnerdavis (Jun 21, 2011)

First, let me say, I really liked this piece, which is saying a lot, because posts as long as yours sometimes leave me groaning; but I wanted to keep reading this story.  I personally don't care what prompts the character to consider whoredom.  I don't think her foundational motivation is essential to the story.  Otherwise, I agree with the comments of others, especially the view that you should expand this into a full thirty day diary, culminating either in the character becoming a comfortable, polished whore, or realizing the whore bus. isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

I have only one criticism.  I think some of your sentences are a bit rambling, and could benefit from added punctuation, at the very least.  Otherwise, excellent job.


----------



## arcticchick5 (Jun 24, 2011)

This was a hilarious read; I genuinely laughed out loud at the eyelash parts.  I would pick a more stereotypically whore-ish choice of clothes than skinny jeans, though.  A mini-skirt/hot pants, for example. The bit about Macys sounds like a bitter snipe against them and detracts a tad from the story.

 I love the idea of a 30 day diary with the backstory and conclusion; I would definitely read it and look forward to reading more! =D>


----------



## MissTiraMissSu (Jul 16, 2011)

Bitches and whores man. 
I loved your story. I felt so bad for her, but I'm glad she had a last minute "morality check"? No complaints, just want to see more. Whores make the world go round?


----------



## Jane Martin (Aug 23, 2011)

I would love to read more of this, the 30 day diary could be good material for a book!  Mostly well written, personally I liked the bit about Macys but maybe that's because I have a bit of a thing about kids being dressed up in clothes that are too old for them.  I thought that part was an observational touch that connected to reality & was more amusing because of it.
Some parts could be improved on, I agree that some of the sentences are a bit rambling, for example:

'My mind barely processed his growl so I started laughing really loudly and annoying like Julia Roberts in that prostitute movie, because I started to really panic. I cannot go home with this guy! I don’t know where we are going or if he is going to chop me up into little pieces and serve me with fava beans to his neighbors!'

I like the references to the films but I'd maybe seperate the first sentence into two.  I think the second sentence would work better with a bit more emphasis, eg:
'I can _not_ go home with this guy!'

Apart from small touches like that I think it's a great read, the kind of thing I would enjoy as entertaining escapism.  Laughing makes you live longer!


----------



## JoBu (Aug 24, 2011)

I really enjoyed reading! I thought you did an excellent job developing a character I would like to hear more from. I must agree with garnerdavis, I am not as worried about WHY your character decided to become or portray a whore. I do feel that with the proper development, though we could all find out. And it will probably be ironically funny. Total thumbs up.


----------



## Jack Strange (Aug 24, 2011)

Thank you, I really enjoyed the read. My take away about why a woman would decide to be a whore was that it was satire on how the male mind works? I like the diary structure, the plot and I feel your heroine develops nicely. My only suggestion is to flesh out the men (a return visit from the first one might be nice) to create more resistance and conflict for your protagonist. You could do this by making the men even more narcissistic (If you go that direction, I would really ramp it) or by making them more human and a emotionally intelligent. With strong antagonists I feel you have a great piece here. Looking forward to the next episodes.


----------



## Fran Canning (Aug 29, 2011)

Well written and enjoyable to read. I would have liked some background of the characters previous sexual experience. This might help explain her actions which are a little confusing at times. If she were a virgin who was sick of waiting or she had just came out of a long term relationship and was making up for lost time I would have sympathy for the character and want her to succeed.


----------



## owenmean (Oct 2, 2011)

this was good writing but I am...male.  I don't see the purpose in pleasing these readers who want to know WHY she HAS to become a whore, if they can't just accept THAT, they shouldn't be reading anything!


----------



## Scarlett_156 (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm guessing you have never prostituted and have never been close to an actual prostitute.  (If I'm wrong about that, please accept my apology.)  I don't want to say anything mean here, so, uh... the writing is not bad.  

I am also guessing that by "whore" you mean "a sexually profligate, mercenary female who picks up guys at bars" and not an actual prostitute.  In reading over the whole thing a couple of times, it almost seems that you are angry at someone you see as a "whore" (the straw-woman Suzie/Susie?) and this is sort of like your revenge; like you're saying you know women who are "whores" and you actually despise and maybe even pity them, but you'll pretend to extol one thing about them, i.e., their detachment from the romantic concerns of normal women, so that you can demonstrate that you're not really cut out for this "whore" thing.  You've got the look, you've got the skills, you can cop the attitude, but when push comes to shove, you're a nice girl.  You're probably just working off some jerk's stinging rejection by teaching yourself to be calculating and cold, _n'est-ce pas?  _(I'm talking about the "you" in the piece, not the real "you" here.) 

Most real prostitutes have pretty crappy lives, and to add to it, straight girls will look down on them and disparage them as whores in one breath but praise themselves as "whores" in the next breath when they're doing something bad, irresponsible, and daring (in uncomfortable shoes).  But I mean, you can't take that word out because it's the whole basis of your story, and.... ok, well, that's all I'm gonna say.  Because if you say "slut" instead (which is a more correct term) then you lose the overlay of money-grubbing.  

All right, really done now.


----------



## Phyllis (Oct 3, 2011)

Wonderful! Just loved it!  Excellent writing! Subtle humor here and there keeps it light and fun.  
I was thoroughly engrossed, love your narrative style, and will go now and find other pieces you've written.

To those who question why the character wants to be a whore, reread the beginning.  It's there. And it's meant to be funny!


----------

