# Scores: Literary Maneuvers April 2019 "The Butterfly Effect"



## bdcharles (May 6, 2019)

They're here, they're here! Sorry I'm so late. Anyway, quite the spread of marks here, with entries scoring across the board. And the sheer number of entries plus a full complement of judges is very encouraging to see, so thank you all for that. Right then, let's see what we have.

[spoiler2=Arachne]
*Feedback
SpAG: 3
Tav: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 12*

SpAG
Although the writing is a straight forward read, there a quite a number of errors including – 
The first semi-colon should be a comma.
Thoughts should be in italics, or speech marks different to the speech  ones (in your case singles). Your thoughts seem like normal speech. At  one point the girl even answers to something the mc thinks. This is  confusing.
_‘"_You don't have much time Doctor," she smiled sorrowfully.’_ - _This  should have a full stop after the speech as ‘she smiled sorrowfully’ is  not a dialogue tag, it’s an action so should be in another sentence.
I think some brushing up on punctuation would be very beneficial to you. 

TaV 
This was OK but I wasn’t really drawn in by the mc. His reactions did  not seem very realistic considering his situation. Also, I’m afraid I  didn’t really care whether he lived or died. The girl character was a  bit more interesting with her sense of humour etc. 
I’m not a fan of sci-fi so maybe I just found him a bit boring because  of that but I really would have liked to see a bit of his personality.  Why is this so important to him? Why is it so bad if he dies? Is he a  really outgoing family man or a lonely guy with 20 cats who’ll eat his  corpse after he’s gone? Often it is making the reader care about the mc  which makes the story, rather than simply telling what happens (I have  discovered this through a couple of failed LM challenges so you are not  alone!).

Effect 
Given everything I have just said you would think I hated the story but I  didn’t. It held my attention mostly, which is not an easy thing, and I  think I understood it. It lacked character development and suspense  though and I think the plot did allow for this. 

Overall, the story was worth submitting and I think you have potential  as a writer. Polishing grammar and punctuation would be an instant  improvement as it would allow the reader to stay in the story rather  then getting distracted. 
Thanks for submitting and please do another one for us next month!

*Toilet Paper Wings
SpAG: 4
Tav: 4
Effect: 7.5
Total: 15.5*

SpaG
Some incorrect use of semi-colons. Some word repetition, which was a bit distracting. 
_‘skywriters stream’ – _Should be ‘skywriter’s stream.’

TaV
The tone was good. I enjoyed the voice of the narrator, who seemed to be  mocking the historian. There were some inconsistencies though. For  example, using ‘curriculum vitae’ instead of CV was formal, reflecting  the mc’s personality, but then there were informal bits like ‘Pricey  stuff’ (which I thought was a gem btw). One or the other should have  been used. If it’s any use to you, I think the relaxed tone was better  as it helped mock the mc.

Effect
I liked the story, finding it engaging and funny in several parts. I  enjoyed the way it was written in tight paragraphs as it reflected the  mc’s personality. I also liked your take on the prompt, which was nicely  explained in the title. I’m not sure I got the joke though. I thought  the ending was going to be much more explosive and was reading with one  eye open, expecting something much more humiliating (and messy). Also,  the meaning of the last line eluded me as I couldn’t tell who was  speaking and what it really meant.

Overall, a funny and enjoyable piece. Thanks for submitting.


*Near Miss
SpAG: 3
Tav: 3.5
Effect: 7.5
Total: 14*

SpaG
‘Pulled up’ and ‘running up’ so close together was distracting. 
Hands are mittened, not arms. Though I don’t think mittened is a word.
‘”Suppose it's hardly kidnapping if I wanted to go, is it?”’ Change in tense here. Should be ‘want’.
‘Now outside town the mare had resumed fast canter, but. I was too busy  contemplating what she said.’ This doesn’t make sense at all. There  shouldn’t be a full stop in the middle of it but even if that wasn’t  there the sentence is odd; he’s too busy to what?
‘“Adolf,” His small voice oddly resonant in the gathering dark, “Adolf  Hitler.”’ Awkward, there should be a full stop after the first dialogue,  then it should be ‘His small voice *was* oddly resonant’. Or ‘he said, his small voice oddly resonant’.  Shame, because the last line was so important here.

TaV
Good tone and voice. I get something about the characters and setting  from it, which is great. There are inconsistencies though. Anna seems a  bit too informal, for the daughter of a viscount in that period, when  she uses conjunctions. Similarly, some of the words and phrases are  anachronistic ie ‘typical man’ and ‘what’s the hurry’, which are common  modern phrases. That’s not to say that she may not have used them but it  risks distracting from the piece and causing confusion about the  period. 

Effect
The effect of the story itself was good because of the ending; it’s  something that everyone can understand the significance of. The story  had suspense as well, which made it fun to read. However, before the  suspense and the reveal, I did find the story a bit boring. The first  line, though funny, did not grab me as much as it could have,  considering the twist at the end. Also, I was not too concerned about  the characters. It felt a bit like you were passing the time to get to  the end (understandable as it was exciting!).

Overall, I really enjoyed this entry, thanks for sharing!

*The Butterfly Effect
SpAG: 4.5
Tav: 3.5
Effect: 5.5
Total: 13.5*

SpaG
Good. Not much wrong here. 
This dialogue would have been better with a comma after nutjob – ‘“Oh  good, a nutjob.” I mumbled into my pint.’ And you should have included  one after ‘said’ here – Lorenz said ‘_A butterfly’’-  _The italics and capital was a bit awkward here too. If it is a quote it might have been clearer to write ‘Lorenze quoted,’. 

TaV 
Tone and voice were OK. There was a clear shift from down and depressed in the beginning to upbeat and hopeful at the end. 
I didn’t feel I got to know the characters that well though. Some more  clues about the main character’s life would have been good, although I  could get just enough sense of him to care. 

Effect 
This started off pretty good for me. I was very interested in what was  going to happen. However, I’m afraid I was disappointed in the ending as  nothing seemed to happen apart from the guy having a dream and a  finding butterfly on his shoulder. I guess he put some kind of  positivity spell on him? Apologies if I’m missing the point but if you  have a conclusion which might elude some readers, be sure to make it  very clear what has happened as some of us are not as good with clues as  others. A more impactful ending may have been possible if you had  thought about what could have happened due to his shift in attitude.  Perhaps something which was an issue in the beginning could have been  resolved at the end? A bad relationship with a neighbour or his child or  something. Or moving from buying a gun to kill himself at the beginning  to throwing it in a river at the end. 

Overall, this was well-written and easy to read. You clearly have potential. Please write another one for us next time!

*It Could Have Been Anyone
SpAG: 2
Tav: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 8*

SpaG 
Lots of problems with sentence structure and grammar.
‘She held her breathe’ – This should be breath.
‘low level’ – Should be hyphenated
‘they would lay off her for a little’ – should be ‘lay of her a little’ or ‘for a little while’ 

TaV 
I think the tone could have been more appropriate given the situation of the mc, she seems a bit ambivalent. 

Effect 
I just did not get this at all. There were far too many references to  made-up items for me. I couldn’t read the story for wondering what  ‘shards’ are, what ‘ichor’ is for example. I do not like fantasy though  so you’re onto a loser with me there. 
I don’t really know what happened either. It almost seemed like a longer  story with bits cut out to fit, leaving a piece that made no real  sense. 

If nothing else, the ‘compliant guinea pig’ made me laugh out loud so thanks for that! 
Please do have another try, it can take quite a few attempts to enter  something that goes down well. Also, I’m really critical and hard to  please 


*Tragedy of the Blind Lepidopterist
SpAG: 3.5
Tav: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 8.5*

SpaG 
Overall, not too bad. Some awkward sentence structures.
‘Lopgaitedly’ is not a word. It could work with a hyphen.

TaV 
This was all over the place. Was it a report, several reports? I  couldn’t tell who was telling what story or who the main characters  were. Seems futuristic but then the language used in the dialogue was  archaic. Confusing.

Effect 
I’m sorry that I didn’t get this – possibly wrong audience. 
The first bad thing for me is the font – no need, headache inducing, just don’t. 
As for the content, it started off good with the baby being abandoned  but then you leapt onto something else, then something else, then  something else. I was lost. I don’t think there is anything wrong with  your ability to write but for the majority if readers, I think a more  ordinary narrative is preferable, especially in such a tight word limit,  where it’s difficult to get close to even one character. 
Dialogue was funny though and, looking back again, there are quite a few funny bits throughout.

You clearly have some ability and I’d like to read something more to my taste so I can appreciate it. Thanks for submitting! 


*Upon Wings of passion
SpAG: 4
Tav: 4.5
Effect:5
Total: 13.5*

SpaG 
Mostly good but a bit awkward here and there.
‘Through a passage: two figures darted alongside me. A girl holding the  hand of a young boy.’ – Colon makes no sense here. Would be better after  ‘alongside me’ but not necessary anywhere really. 

TaV 
Tone and voice very fitting for the piece. The voice suits the genre and  period and in very consistent. The tone sets the scene well and is very  engaging.

Effect 
I had to mark this low because I just didn’t understand what was going  on. I guess the person being burned was a witch, but this is not made  clear enough (people have been burned on stakes for lots of reasons). It  also wasn’t clear when she died so I had to read back to see if I’d  missed it. I also didn’t understand what the significance of the boy and  girl was or who the last line refers to. The whole thing was a bit too  confusing, even though I read it four times. 

Overall, there was some good writing here and I wish I had been able to  decipher the plot and significance of the ending because it was probably  good. 


*The Butterfly Effect
*

SpaG 
Almost flawless.
“But, she can’t. The took the box.” - Simple error.

TaV 
I felt for the mc here. The voice was consistent, if a little mainstream, and the tone was suitably sad and defiant.  

Effect 
This was not good on the first reading as there were simply too many  characters all squished in. In a piece of this size it is vital to have  the absolute minimum of names included. If you need a few more people  just generalise rather than naming them as it is way too confusing.  Similarly, the names of the mother and daughter are too similar, which  was also confusing.
The second read was much better and I understood what was going on and  who was who. The trouble is most people wouldn’t read twice. 
The story was very sad with a pleasant, heart-warming ending, showing what was really important; not the job but the kids. 
I think you have loads of potential to write stories about real people  and the real world, which I love most, but you absolutely need to cut  back the characters and info to a minimum. Remember that just because  you know who everyone is and what’s going on, that doesn’t mean that a  first-time reader will.

Overall, I enjoyed your character. Thanks for the submission!


*Out of Time
SpAG: 4.5
Tav: 3
Effect:7
Total: 14.5*

SpaG 
Almost perfect but a couple of unnecessary commas (pesky things!)

TaV 
Tone and voice were apt or the piece if a bit generic and clichéd. 

Effect 
The effect was pretty good. I was interested in the story and the ending  was very effective. You managed to give a slow release of the reveal  towards the end, which was a nice change from a single line reveal.
The whole thing was a bit heavy with clichés, though. The creaking door,  the man in the suit, the dark room, pulling a chair up, smoking. 
The android double was an interesting twist.

Overall, an enjoyable story with a good, solid ending. Thanks so much for submitting.

*A Memory from the Past
SpAG: 3.5
Tav: 3.5
Effect:8
Total: 15*

SpaG 
‘The freckled face looked familiar to him, almost as he knew her somehow.’ – Should be ‘as if’
‘nausea on the side.” He said.’ – This should have a comma instead of a  full stop, then no capital on ‘he’. (There are lots more examples of  this same error.)
No too much else wrong here. Maybe a couple of extra commas (my guilty pleasure).
A quick read up on dialogue punctuation would be a good idea.

TaV 
Very appropriate tone and voice. Could be a tad more interesting but apt for the story none the less.

Effect 
A lovely little story! I really enjoyed this. It was nice and simple,  easy to read and packed a delicate little punch to the right spot. Good  hook in the opening. Two good characters. Clear meaning. Not too  overdramatic. Well done. 


*07291878 rocky mountain
*
SpaG 
Not much to note here but a few issues. 
‘Down comes a thick rope noosed.’ – Should have had a comma before ‘noosed.’
‘And I know *you* too.’ – Should have had a comma before ‘too.’
I think it is particularly important for the punctuation to be spot-on  in a piece of this style, as misinterpretation is even more likely  otherwise.

TaV 
Some excellent examples of good tone and voice here, creating a really  original feel. Suitable for the subject and period setting.

Effect 
A bit lost on me I’m afraid. Even though I know the crisis it refers to,  I don't know much about it and didn’t understand what was going on, who  the characters were, or what the conclusion meant. Not enough clarity  for me. Left me feeling like I might be a bit stupid (and I have a  first-class degree in a history-based subject!). Perhaps if I knew more  about the crisis I would have got it, but I didn't have time to research  and, IMO, you shouldn't have to do that. Most readers would not enjoy a  story if they had to work so hard to understand it. That makes it  something other than a short story to me. 
A shame as there was some good writing there, dialogue in particular.

Overall, an interesting style with some lovely writing but didn’t work for me. 

*Family Tree
SpAG: 4.5
Tav: 3.5
Effect:5
Total: 13*


SpaG 
Almost perfect. Perhaps a few too many semi-colons for me but that’s only my opinion.
_‘Maybe she could reach the pretty thing with it?’ _This is in italics as if it is a thought but it’s not written in first person, so shouldn’t be in italics.

TaV 
Appropriate for the piece, if a bit boring. Simple-style suits the voice of the chimp. 

Effect 
I’m not a fan of animal POVs as they usually lack character. This was  not bad, though. It was nice and clear in the first line that the mc was  a primate but it was not too over-done, which was good. 
The idea for the story was good and I really like the way the ending was  done. The story was a bit boring before the ending though.

Overall, good idea and written in a clear style. Thank for submitting!


*Change Time
SpAG: 2
Tav: 3
Effect:4
Total: 9*

SpaG 
There are quite a few issues here, like missing spaces and letters. More editing was needed. 
Some awkward and/or incorrect sentence structure, too. Such as – ‘An  inky blackness enveloped him, and his final thought was of a butterfly  flapping its wings over a field in Peking, wishing he could change what  had occurred.’ – The last bit doesn’t fit.
‘Footsteps *pounded* the stairs and shrill screams *fill* the air as she ran into the room.’ – Change in tense in the middle.
‘In a dark auditorium, her name* is* called again. His daughter *strolled* across the stage wearing her cap and gown.’ – Same here (and in other places). Bold is mine.

TaV 
Tone was apt, sad, reflective. Voice was suitable but generic.

Effect 
I’m afraid this did not have much impact on me as the writing was not properly edited (maybe lack of time).
I appreciate the idea behind it and it did come out in the story fairly clearly, at least I understood what happened. 
The info about his daughter’s life was a bit boring, not making me care about her or him and not really building any tension.

Overall, okay idea and some good imagery but needed revising and editing properly. Thanks for the submission!
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=bdcharles]
"FEEDBACK"
Tim

SPaG: 3/5
T/V: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 13/20

A neat idea. And an easy read. I am not immediately super hooked in but equally I'm not prevented from reading on - I think it is the emphasis on tiredness that initially stalled me. I like to read things that have dynamism and when I'm faced with someone who's tired, and everything's drab, it kind of infects the experience. But your story picks up pretty soon after so that's all ok.

This sentence isn't grammared quite right:
"Carbon-dioxide vapor escaped the cooling-jacket overflows, drifting lazily downward and rolled across the floor."
Should possible be "rolling across the floor"

Likewise, this:
"An icy ball of fear churned in the pit of his stomach, for somehow, he was seated awkwardly in his chair in front of her."
doesn't scan right. It reads as if the fear he feels is a direct consequence of his seating position. But I'm not seeing it. 

The door smashed back on it's hinges <- no apostrophe in possessive of "it"

The bigger issue is I am just not sure what's happened. He is about to get busted for something (we don't know what), he has a time machine that he attempts to use and then - we're faced with some imp with a gun. Has he gone forward? Backward? Anywhere at all? Who's the girl? Did he die? What's this issue with feedback? We've all seen Back to the Future, we know about the whole flap-of-the-wing paradigm and hell, I was even watching The Butterfly Effect the other day so I feel I have some rudimentary grounding in the narrative options, but I was just not fully able to follow. Still, it was pretty exciting stuff written in a good Thriller-ish sort of voice and I was able to picture it well, so good stuff there. I like the use of sound (as in amplifier feedback) as a device for tension. And I enjoyed the character of the little girl with the gun and the attitude.



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"Toilet Paper Wings"
SueC

SPaG: 4/5
T/V: 5/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 15/20

Right out of the gate, I'm loving both title and opening line. Why? They have rhythm, and they make something odd, grotesque, beautiful even, from of something mundane - I'm hoping our small, proverbial butterfly. Let's see where it goes. 

I want to say: resist the urge to overwrite; eg:

"was able to provide a lengthy discourse on any period of history that may be discussed"

the repetition of discourse/discuss make it seem too much like you want to be seen to be writing. But... I can't shake the notion that it's by design. Previously you have this:

"Jonathan Drake was a fastidious man. He had been educated in the country's most prestige universities,"

which, leaving aside the fact that you presumably meant prestigious (.5 SPaG, sorry, have to  and another for a few very minor punctuation wobbles), has a little rhyme in it. I'll have to see if this occurs elsewhere. I like the voice too. It's upper class (itself a rich vein for humour), educated and ever-so-slightly high-falutinly comedic, which continues throughout. 

In terms of a narrative journey, it doesn't go ~too~ many places. There is a sense of it being redemptive arc of Jonathan Drake. Is the broccoli the butterfly wing that causes chaos to burble, then erupt, to Drake's straight and orderly life? I don't know. It could be, but if so the sense of disorder probably needs amping up, else the prompt is not hugely in evidence. But your trademark command of language is apparent, and it's very stylish, with a feel of the comedy-of-manners about it, which I feel is your natural home and therefore a strength.

---

"Near Miss"
Luckyscars

SPaG: 5/5
T/V: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 18/20

In researching my own WIP I've done some research on carriages, which has since developed into a bit of a geekout. Possibly we've had this conversation before, but I'm a fan of the phaeton, the rig and the charabanc. I might have to add cariole to that fleet of beauties. Point? I'm hooked by this sort of time signifier. Ditto the Holsteiner, though I confess I did think you had cows drawing the cart. No idea why; it is a horse. And I don't even know what a kaross is, yet I want one. The precise diction of the Austro-Hungarian aristocrat s captured with an artist's fidelity (not that I know that many Counts and Barons and whatnot). I did drop you two effect points because at first I thought this was some verdant mountain fiefdom, then suddenly it's snowy and we're heading for the sea. Some hot date. The geography may be correct but it wobbled for me. I also thought the title could use  little more oomph.

Oh. The end. Yep. Ok. Not sure what more I can say about that. Was wondering where you were going vis-a-vis the prompt until this. Gathering dark indeed. Well done.


---

"The Butterfly Effect"
buck06191

SPaG: 4.5/5
T/V: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 13.5/20

No issues on the writing here - only one little punctuation fault in an otherwise largely faultless piece. And you have some great expressions: "whirling mess of colour", "throwing the sea into a froth", and so on. The events up to that point were a little flat for me, and the voice was a little generic though it did pick up very nicely at "That night I dreamt of a thousand butterflies". I wanted that to be your opener - remeniscent of "Rebecca". There is a fair bit of filtering - I looked, I saw, I gazed, I could hear - which tends to take readers out of the story because it puts our attention not on the thing, but on the person noticing the thing, which may not be so interesting. Thnk about your titles also - they are the first glance at your writing, so make them count. But The ending was very cool, with the motif of the Lorenz butterfly-curvy-8 thingy recurring. Good entry - thanks 

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"It Could Have Been Anyone "
Bardling

SPaG: 3/5
T/V: 4.5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 15.5/20

Okay I really enjoy the sudden dive into "the situation", whatever the situation is. It. And you use the title well to set us up with a question - what happened? - segueing smoothly into the text by way of answer. By the first paragraph I am pretty hooked in. And you have lots of great expressions. I would suggest maybe cutting the occasional word; eg: "scratching a living at the edges of greater things", which I wanted to read as "living at the edges of greater things". Both are fine, but with the cut it would, I feel, have given it, I dunno, an extra shine. "servant" is repeated in quite close succession, which wobbles me out of the moment a bit. The voice is really good and carries the comma splice, "She could summon a phantom servant to carry supplies or loot, she could skin an animal or gather useful plants", which is usually a massive pet peeve of mine. This: "Light reflected off the edges of something embedded in a spider with a green and gold pattern on its back." read a bit clunkily for me so just make sure your sentences don't overcomplicate themselves. Few SPaGs: "fighters" needs an apostrophe for possession. "breathe" should be "breath" here, which along with occasinal convoluted sentence structure, is probably your most pressing thing to work on. But I really enjoyed this world you have set up. I took from this that the prompt is in the way a small worker can have large consequences via what we might call luck. Well done - great stuff. 




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"Tragedy of the blind Lepidopterist"
Rookish

SPaG: 5/5
T/V: 5/5
Effect: 7.5/10
Total: 17.5/20

Well I love the title. And I love your opening line and the quirky style of it. Great phrases in here: "polychromatic sky", "quarter of a billion souls" - for definite I am feeling this dystopia. There does appear quite soon a possible tendency to overdo it though - "crawling through his bushy beard to bombard the room." seemed a little much for me, and sort of makes everything seem too dense and busy, with all the names, where before it was very cool. Also we have changed situations when we get to Arno. I don't quite know what to make of Arno, and that risks making it harder to keep track of. You do recapture it somewhat with "Had his brains spattered upon his wife" - this sort of succinct phrasing is a strength so play to it. "rocking pot of pandemonium" - love that. There is quite a big cast, but in a way it does work, reflecting the madcap chaos that is happening. I can only suppose that the prompt is ... well, I don't really know. Did chaos reign over Earth's weather systems, or ... or is the chaos in the wild, spiralling storyline, and I love how that ends, by the way, in that bittersweet aloe garden, a sparkling gift in the midst of a storm. A really great read, all in all - knocked down just a couple of points by a slight tendency to lose control of the style and subject matter, and a disconnect between title and text. But it's all good. Thanks  


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"Upon Wings of Passion"
epimetheus

SPaG: 5/5
T/V: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total: 18/20

Some great worldbuilding here, concocting the environment and the sense of some event having happened, alongside the characterising. I love the voice too - all quasi-medieval and epic. We're straight into some terrible hellfire with all the crackings and the skeletals and the deliverings of death. You use some great narrative tricks - the Kindling/fuel/fire section stands out - plus qulity phrasing; "They froze in my gaze" etc.

I'm not the hugest fan of the flames/licking combo - I just think there are plenty of other words that could be pressed into service to show fire; "licked" has seen some heavy usage. Ditto "Butterflies fluttered" - and was that some prompt-shoehorning in there?! These are the only things that dropped you some points with me. Awesome job though on making this accessible; eg: "when I prayed to silent gods that mercy was a thing" - modern phrasing against a fantasy backdrop, I'm all for that. While, narratively, not a massive amount happened, the sensory evocation more than made up for it. And yes, for my sins, I imagined that the POV was male. Burn me; set me to flame.


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"The Butterfly Effect"
Megan Pearson

Here's another one with the prompt as the title. Brave decision; let's see if you can pull it off. I am definitely feeling Mairi's struggle and the emotional payoff when she gets her brain scanner thing back and brings Mary out of her condition, it is very uplifting. Stylewise it is very smooth, very mature, and readable though perhaps more like an extract from something longer, whereas much short fiction relies on having a lot of unique voice about it. And there were quite alot of names but on reflection this didn't interfere with the story; if anything it contributed to the sense of people here there and everywhere trying to stop Mairi's research. Clever touch with hanging the prompt on the little girl by way of the word "mariposa". A great read 


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"Out of Time"
Stygian

SPaG: 2.5/5
T/V: 3/5
Effect: 6.5/10
Total: 12/20

This is a pretty messed-up premise, and quite topical, what with the impact social media has had on our lives. For me though, there are a lot of generic sentences that have a very similar structure and the voice doesn't hugely jump out at me. Some SPaG around the dialog tagging, and also watch for shopworn phrases - "fought .. with all his strength", "Fear and dread was setting in" and so on. But I really enjoyed the twist ending, with Zuckerberg's body double, and the interpretation of the promot was smart. Good stuff 


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"A Memory from the Past"
Kebe

SPaG: 3/5
T/V: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Total: 12/20

A touching story. There were some grammar issues with dialog tagging, and the voice was rather generic, but you built tension well, and had me thinking that the girl/surgeon was going to butcher him, as though he had done something bad, so there was quite a payoff when you switched that about. But the use of the prompt was clever. It's good to see something other than the classic interpretations.



"07291878 rocky mountain"
Anonymous 

Great opening line after the date info, that is. And I enjoy the close POV - very sensory, with a strong sense of panic. I'm sure 'receeds' should be 'recedes'. Good verb choice though. I wasn't 100% sure what happened at the end. Did the person die? Who were they? But very interesting nonetheless.


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"Family Tree"
Anonymous

SPaG: 5/5
T/V: 4/5
Effect: 6.5/10
Total: 15.5/20

Some lovely visual descriptions here, of the butterfly and the jungle. And the moment where Ata is no loner welcome in her tribe or troop us very poignant. Reminds me a little of the scene in 2001: A Spece Odyssey where the ramapithecines (or whatever they are) discover tools; you capture the significance of the momenbt well. The voice is ... a little basic for me, though you do a good job with the childlike, simple aspect of it. Tough challenge, to use the voice of an early arthropod. But good read, with no obvious errors. Well done 


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"Change Time"
Godofwine

SPaG: 3.5/5
T/V: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Total: 15/20

Some good phrases, eg: "cocked sideways in the middle of the highway", "a classroom of strange children of varying hues and colors". I felt the moment of impact could have been handled with a little more intensity, less like a steady countdown and either more like a "what the - BAM!" or, if you need time (which this story demands, it seems), put us in a state of uber-zenlike calm even as doom approaches. There are also several spelling and grammar issues. But it is very moving story. I loved the fact that this is in essence the moment of life flashing before one's eyes. It's occurred to me - when that happens, it's not the life one has lived, but the life one could, the life one won't live, that does the flashing as the mind struggles for survival at all costs. So it's great to see that captured here. Great story
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Megan Pearson]
All contestants submitted great works and everyone wrote around the idea of the butterfly effect.



*“Feedback” *
*By Tim, Post #2*
*SPaG:               2.5*
*T/V:                  3.0*
*Effect:               8.0*
*Overall:          13.5*

*SPaG: *Things that need work: Semi-colon usage – beware of  creating incomplete sentences. Coma usage – where subject and predicate  don’t need to be divided. Ellipses – excessive (i.e., distracting) and  improperly used. (Did you mean them as one continuous sentence or as  separate sentences at the next capitalization? What if you tried:  “Child’s play…! Me?”) Why is _Police_ capitalized? Good job with capitalizing titles: _Creation_ & _The Butterfly Effect_, etc. 

*T&V: *Spartan to a bit creepy. I got a sense everything had  run its course, so the tone seems to add a bit of foreshadowing to the  ending. Good job with this. However, I think the minor grammatical  anomalies get in the way of the narrator’s voice b/c the reader has to  re-read lines to figure out what the author might have meant where it’s  choppy. 

Sounded rough: “out of money and time.” Isn’t it _time and money_? 
Like this rhyme: “rock band with a lousy sound-man.” 
Creative anthropomorphism: the pod hissing at Tom.

*Effect/Review: *A down-on-his-luck inventor seeks to escape  eviction in his time machine but finds it occupied by Gaia (?) instead.  Concerned about preventing a feedback loop through the Butterfly effect,  she sets Tom up with a weapon so that when the police burst through the  door, they must use force. But all ends well b/c Tom gets the girl and  the girl saves the universe. Great tie-in to this month’s LM challenge.

Favorite sentence: _Hardwood splinters flew through the air_. It jumps off the page at the reader. Nice set up getting there; nice attention to detail. Good job.

Hi, Tim. This was a very fun story. Who wouldn’t want their own time  machine??? I like that it’s got a high concept, it moves quickly, and  has a lot of foreshadowing. Had a nice opening, establishes a fast pace  & sense of urgency. The close echoed the idea of death implied at  the beginning (for me, nice close). Where I struggled was that when the  action picked up, the narrative seemed to lose something. Certain  connecting ideas seemed missing, which sent me as your reader stumbling  around to keep up with the action. Otherwise, I enjoyed the reading  about the Butterfly Effect & the possible destruction of the  universe. Good job.



*“Toilet Paper Wings” *
*By SueC, Post #4*
*SPaG:             4.5*
*T/V:                5*
*Effect:             10*
*Overall:          19.5*

*SPaG: *Minor nits only. Hyphen should not be followed by a space: _Hand- tailored_ s/b _hand-tailored_. Missing coma to offset dependent clause: _… luncheon and, not wanting to seem to finicky, he ate the…_. Missing possessive coma: _skywriter’s stream. _Hmm_. _Not sure if the adjectival phrase _ultra soft _s/b _ultra-soft_ or _ultrasoft_. (No points taken off.) Consider: _…shower and shave, and of… _

*T&V:* Masterfully builds through steady pacing from a somber,  meticulous account of a somber, meticulous man, to his transformation  into a real human being. I think this piece is a great example of how  control over spelling and grammar can convey the writer’s voice by doing  much of the heavy lifting for her. Awesome.

Lots of concrete imagery & attention to detail: _Singapore_, _gold flecks_, _skywriter’s stream_. 
Favorite word: _Persnickety_. 

*Effect/Review:* The prologue helps establish the formal tone of  the piece and funnels us into the plight of Jonathan Drake (who,  interestingly, is never called “Professor” or “Doctor,” thus giving the  reader an exclusive, inside look on personal matters no one else knows).  Drake has had the best of everything—and expects the best, including  the best t.p. The scenario unfolds that a rogue detail has been  unaccounted for, that Drake has a susceptibility to cruciferous  vegetables and, despite the absence of his best t.p., he is forced to  excuse himself. Upon returning, the audience’s laughter alerts him to a  problem, whereupon after a moment of suspense, Drake rises to the  occasion by joining in the joke.

Hi SueC! This is an awesome little story whose hilarity is showcased by  some very artfully used contrasts and comparisons that help move the  story along. For instance, you show us that Drake is a global man by  name-dropping global places, then narrow it to _a_ university, and  then you narrow it even further: a bathroom. Then there are the  contrasts. His ridiculous fetish against the commonness of necessity.  Other contrasts, such as the wordplay showing contrast between Drake’s  being a historian and, _For the first time in history_…, and the  unpredictable results of an unexpected dish in the course of a  well-ordered life, all help build the tension so that you only need one sentence to show the resolution and one  sentence to show us that Jonathan Drake will never be the same person  again because he’s learned to laugh at himself. I wish there was  something more helpful I could say, but there isn’t. Your approach has a  lot of class. 

Loved the tie-in with this month’s theme; good job!



*“A Near Miss” *
*By luckyscars, Post #5*
*SPaG:             4*
*T/V:                5*
*Effect:             9.5*
*Overall:          18.5*

*SPaG:*
Missing an indefinite article & included a stray period s/b: _mare had resumed a fast, but I_
Missing capitalization: _thank God_
Question, if she _spasmed_ forward, was it an involuntary movement? Likewise, why not _eyes_ for _eyeballs_? The one I read with a sense of person and the other as if we’ve been transported to the optometrist’s.

Favorite word: _juddering. _

*T&V:* The fast-paced dialogue gives this piece the sense of  urgency it needs to completely involve the reader in Freddy and his  affair, aiding the surprise ending. The excellent word choices convey  setting and mood in an efficiency that requires a minimum of explanation  (i.e., footmen, cigarette, mittened). We are there in his world. I  especially liked this story’s distinct tone, which I think is perfectly  fitting in style and technique.

Favorite sentence: _Taking out a cigarette, I lighted hers with trembling fingers._

*Effect/Review:* A young lawyer obsessed with his lady friend  ferrets her out of her father’s domain onto the open road where the two  nearly overrun a small boy—Adolf Hitler. 
Thoughts in parallel help establish theme: comparing the man to an animal, the Count’s judgment of Freddy’s _disreputable character _(a warranted ‘appeal to authority’), she says _Typical man_,  Freddy’s wrestling the mare to a halt, the savage blow to the child,  the child’s “stupidity” (twice), and the grand reveal. Somehow, Freddy  is exonerated as simply being a stupid man when faced by someone the  reader knows has a truly evil mind—and therein lies the tie-in to our  theme.

Hi Luckyscars! Helpful things first. First, I think there is a  historical gap here that needs some bridging. People stop cars all the  time; why was Freddy’s wrestling the mare to a halt _madness_? Show  us. People today don’t know horses. The lack of believability here  makes the scene seem like a mechanical device for showing that Freddy  has some sense of heroic decency to him after all and jolts the reader  away from upon the masterful tone you’ve developed. Second, if this is  the Count’s horse, then it is a very well-trained horse, and very  well-trained horses are trained to voice commands—Freddy should have  been shouting “whoa!” Any upper-middle class man of the time (1890’s)  would have known to do this. Third, pearl vs. Pearl. Is it that the mare  has a lustrous coat, or are we talking about a bloodline here? By the  way, I didn’t count much off the score regarding the horse—you just had  the bad luck to get a reader who knows horses & knows how to drive a  light carriage.

My final criticism is not related to the horse. There is a slight nuance  in the story overall that I can’t seem to find the right words to  describe, so I’ll just say it: there is a subtle yet forced feeling that  doesn’t quite go away but becomes sharper when I walk away from the  piece. Is this part & parcel for the genre? I don’t know. I didn’t  include this in the score because it’s too vague.

I loved being transported to your Gothic romance. The era painted is  beautifully self-revealing, from the cariole to the formal and yet  darkly imagined regard Freddy shows his lady friend. I get the idea that  the shape to this story is more like a funnel bringing us to the grand  reveal than of a circle requiring a repetitive an open/close repeat.  This gave it the feeling of a much grander picture than a mere 650  words. And while Anna means the sea, the metaphor of the sea as a  disguise for Freddy’s lust is particularly striking and, I think, very  literary. While I am not well-versed in the genre, I especially enjoyed  the artistry with which you have shared this with us. Thank you &  good job!



*“The Butterfly Effect” *
*By Buck06191, Post #6*
*SPaG:             5*
*T/V:                5*
*Effect:             8*
*Overall:          18*

*SPaG: *I found nothing distracting in this writer’s use of spelling or grammar. 

*T&V:* What I thought was interesting about this piece was how  the narrator’s voice transformed in parallel with the change in his  character—a nice illustration of this month’s theme. The steady,  what’s-the-point-to-this-all narration asks first to be answered,  wrestles in skepticism when confronted by an answer, and is motivated to  accept that answer through the intense experience of release in his  dream. He is like a man who has woken up and found his voice.

Sentence length contributed to the effect. Notice the number of short  sentences, 7 words or less, in the first two-thirds of the story; there  are none in the last third. Likewise, the majority number of sentences  in the final section are 20 words or more. The placement of either a  long or short sentence amid its opposite really seems to be what sets  the tone by altering the pace with which the narrator tells his story. 

*Effect/Review:* A man down on his luck is drowning his sorrows in a  pint when a stranger gives him a gift—a dream—which transforms him into  a man of vision. The bartender who _says I just do my job and go home_  is a picture of the man nursing his pint. This is where he, too, is  when we first meet him, except for one difference. He has a question it  is doubtful anyone can answer. In contrast, the fellow sitting beside  him doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. He’s got faith. What he’s  got faith in is a mathematical equation. This, too, seems mundane at  first. Down-on-his-luck hears out the Mr. advert’s explanation and later  that night, he dreams about what that equation means. Potential, then,  becomes a hope-substitute. No longer is he like the bartender, without  hope—he has become a man of faith. But more than that, he is a man  released from his question and is more capable of living life than he  could before imagine. 

Favorite line & incidentally, states the theme: _small changes can have large effects_

Hi Buck06191, nice work! Nice contrasts, especially how the introduction  of the advert man is in parallel to the butterfly effect itself—a  small, unexpected change generating grand consequences. The external  physical contrast in actions between being _slumped over the bar_ and how he _got up_ and _turned on the tap_  reflect his internal change from despair to hope. Sadly, the story  itself didn’t stick with me. Maybe it’s just me as a reader, but it  didn’t stay with me after I put it down. Excellent job on the technical  side. I look forward to reading your submission next month!



*“It Could Have Been Anyone” *
*By Bardling, Post #7*
*SPaG:             3*
*T/V:                3*
*Effect:             5*
*Overall:          11*

*SPaG:*
Missing coma: _stood up, the shard in her hand, and_. Or, _She stood up and with the.._. (depends on the tone you want).
Incomplete sentence: _And if they had done it before._ With this  and similar constructions, I think you’re aiming for short statements  that has a lot of punch, but it needs more support to deliver that  punch. 

Regarding grammar, I struggled with this piece’s use of _it_. “It”  always refers back to an object, but in the first paragraph the it is 70  words away from the object “it” refers to. Additionally, repeatedly  starting with a conjunction (And), or with a pronoun (It, Something), or  with a preposition (On, In), without first having that concrete  referent in place early-on in the sentence or the paragraph preceding  its use makes it a tad jarring for the reader who then has to search  around to find out what we’re talking about. 

*T&V:* The tone has a foreboding feel, a sense that something  big is about to happen…but there is also a sense of melodrama, too. This  melodrama seems to come from the many abrupt, short statements meant to  communicate a concluding thought with punch, but they have too little  support to deliver that punch. The writer’s vocabulary and phrasing are  consistent, but I’m not finding it particularly effective. (See below.)

Favorite sentence: _--mostly because of the girly screams._

*Effect/Review:* Tracy is in a parallel world, scraping by to make a  living and dreaming that she will obtain something to make the people  she works for back off a little in their ill treatment of her. An  unexpected discovery brings her the very thing she desires. With it, she  can manipulate it to her desires—and what she desires will rearrange  the whole power structure of this alternate world. Nice tie-in with this  month’s theme, especially with the randomness in which Tracy finds this  shard and how this small change has a big effect. 

This piece has an open/close device in Tracy, in the contrast between  her powerlessness to her new found power. This external transformation  of her situation seems to draw from a larger fantasy world where  opportunities and boundaries that are clearly defined (at least, in the  mind of the character). Boundaries in fantasy are really important  because they make the unusual seem normal within the scope of the story,  so this was very well done. 

The biggest thing I struggled with in this story is that I feel like I’m  being told about a story and not being shown a story. Telling is  effective in moving the reader between scenes, explaining the passage of  time or setting, but it gets a little preachy when it’s the main  storytelling device. Plus, there is so much surrounding detail here,  maybe there is a way to make these other elements more succinct, or are  they needed at all?

What I really like about this piece is that it’s like we’re living out a  computer game. I think this makes it highly relational to gamers who  might also want to read about stories in fantasy settings reminiscent of  their favorite gaming platforms. Is this a piece of fan fiction? If  not, you seem to have a good handle on how this world should work so it  might be worth it to you to write something longer and seeing where it  goes. Good job! Keep at it!



*“Tragedy of the Blind Lepidopterist” *
*By Rookish, Post #8*
*SPaG:             2.5*
*T/V:                2*
*Effect:             5*
*Overall:          9.5*

*SPaG:* Numbers one through nine should be written out: _day four_. Abbreviations in writing, such as _300m_? Best to avoid. Capitalizations for titles are expected, but why is _Single_ capitalized? Missing article: _of the class_. Missing coma: _Goodbye, butterfly_. Wordchoice: should _subterra_ be subterranean? The opening character’s name changes from Kelara to Ketara.

*T&V: *Much of this story takes on not only a disaffected tone,  but one distant from the emotional content of the story as well. It is a  tale with a message, not a story. Because little affection is shown the  characters and their plight, little affection is demanded of the  readers by the writer. In the future, incorporating empathy into the  character’s plight may help strengthen your writerly voice. 

Rhyme: _she_ & _glee_. Has a negative effect on tone &  highlights an unsteady rhythm and pacing in the language used. This  tells me the writer likes the sounds of her own words (who doesn’t?) but  learning to use it with skill will only come with time, practice, and  reading a lot of fiction.

Uses a profuse amount of short sentences and separates idea thoughts into smaller and smaller units.
Like this one.
Not good. 
Choppy.

*Effect/Review: *The setting is a polluted world where we meet  Kelara, who has just abandoned her baby. We jump to a scene at the Lucky  Beetle where Plusher Party members are meeting to discuss business.  They eat Kelara’s baby. The scene changes to the assignation of the  rival Admincorp’s leader. Then the scene changes again to the city, then  narrows to an underground facility where the leadership is hiding from  the rioting (caused by the assassination). After sealing themselves in,  they release a virus to kill the city’s inhabitants. In the final scene,  we watch Ketara die as she thinks about her baby. There is also a  B-story involved, implied that Kelara was first Smith-Xao’s lover and is  now the Directorian’s mistress (not exactly clear). 

Hi Rookish! May I show you something I hope will be useful as you  develop as a writer? Here is a chart showing your sentence lengths: 


Sentence lengthUsage x’s%1-52939%6-102128%11-151520%16-2068%21+34%Total sentences used74


What this tells me is, by the numbers alone, that your writing could  benefit from exploring longer sentence lengths and varying grammatical  constructions. What I’m seeing here is a breakdown of both the sentence  and the paragraph into units almost too small to convey the message.  Likewise, with 5 scenes, 6 locations, 4 parties, and 11(?) characters,  there is _a lot_ going on in this very short piece. There really is too much here for the reader to take in.

Kudos to you that you’re ambitious. Keep writing. Science Fiction is a  great genre for conveying messages of morality, so keep up the good  work. I look forward to reading your selection next month.



*“Upon Wings of Passion” *
*By Epimetheus, Post #9*
*SPaG:             5*
*T/V:                5*
*Effect:             10*
*Overall:          20*

*SPaG:*
Missing coma: _“Please…,” was_ 

*T&V:* The voice that calls for vengeance is bitter, confident  in hatred, yet it is tamed by the humble courage of a child. This  contrast in imagery (peace/destruction), theme (injustice/mercy), and in  emotion (rage/timidity) drive the story. The narrator’s reminiscence  flares this all to life but briefly, reminded again that what remains of  her former rage is but spent coals cooling with the dawn. The  first-person narrative is a great fit for this story.

Favorite sentence: _Fear looked different from this side: I would never have believed it, but it was even more ugly._

*Effect/Review:* A sorceress storms the city where she had years  before been burned at the stake and then hunted like an animal. It is  now the moment of her finest accomplishment, burning the city that  burned her. Until a child asks for mercy. It releases the MC’s own  memories of calling for mercy, and in that recognition, her wrath is  spent. Gone is the hatred, vanished is her unhuman army. The  recollection of the event from years later scoffs at the arrogance of  the city in their pronouncement of victory, but still she has respect  for the one person in the city who had the courage to ask for mercy.  Nice tie-in to this month’s theme with the transforming power held by  one courageous child’s request!

Hi Epimetheus. Not my usual choice of reading fare, but this was  actually pretty good. Really good—I like to be pleasantly surprised.  About the title, would the phrase form the text make more sense: Upon  Wings of Mercy. (?) What’s really interesting about this piece is how  you used a rather complicated backstory to explain the present  circumstances, but did so efficiently and with compassion for the MC.  This worked to draw the reader in (me, at least) and take an interest in  it, despite my better sense to avoid unhuman spectral things that slash  in the night. Mercy was not what I expected; it can be a difficult  concept and I think you portrayed it well. The reason I gave it the  score I did is because, after having set it aside, your story kept  coming back and bothering me all week. Well done!



*“Out of Time” *
*By Stygian, Post #11*
*SPaG:             3.5*
*T/V:                3.5*
*Effect:             6.0*
*Overall:          13.0*

*SPaG:*
Verb tense: _Fear and dread were_ 
Compound words s/b: _floodlight_
Definite verses indefinite article usage. _The fear_; why not just fear? _A single floodlight_; is there one among many? _A door_; okay, there may be more than one door. Can you say this in a more concrete way?

*T&V: *The developing tension is nicely brought about from  repeated use of short sentences. Mark’s comments reveal his helpless  confusion and the hit man’s dialogue reveal his assured confidence. I  would have liked to have seen some more variation in sentence  construction, not length so much as in length but in variety of type,  which I think would give it a stronger tone. 

_A body_—now, that works. In using the indefinite, the android  demeans the value of his replacement and thus suggesting he is superior  to his original. Nice add to tone.


*Effect/Review:* The inventor of Facebook is targeted by a hit man  from the future only to be replaced by an android at the last minute.  This creates quite a comic ending. Nice use of this month’s theme in  switching out the real Mark for the body double! 

Hi Stygian! Good going having an open/close that reverses the story; it created conflict. However, *t*he  repetitive use of the indefinite article adds to the sense that even  the reader can’t really know what’s going on. I suppose it does in a way  mimic Mark’s confusion, but there are so many nice concrete images—_a wooden chair_ (clearly, while any chair it’s a wooden), _his pocket_, _the spreading fire_—that  I don’t think this was done on purpose. I also struggled with timing;  some of the dialogue and supporting statements seem out-of-sync, as if  they’re explanatory instead of revelatory. Tied to this is the use of _was_.  Passive verbs might seem to help add to the sense of impending doom,  but that’s just it—they’re passive. Because I’m being told a story and  not shown a story, I’m finding it a bit harder to connect emotionally  with it. Overall, I liked your story. The best part was that I didn’t  expect the ending! (LOL! Now we know the truth of the matter….) I think  humor is very hard to write, so good job! 



*“A Memory from the Past” *
*By Kebe, Post #12*
*SPaG:             3.5*
*T/V:                4.5*
*Effect:             9*
*Overall:          17*

*SPaG: *My sixth sense tells me that the writer is not a native  English speaker; with that usage in mind, I’ve scored this as being more  correct than being in error. Your task will be to lose your ‘accent’ in  your writing. (And if I’m wrong in this, please take it as the helpful  observation that’s intended.)

Here are some things that may help: 
The Chicago Style Manual advises spelling out numbers one through one-hundred.  
Missing possessive, s/b _granddaughters’_
Some of the coma usage can be shored up. Not needed: _…why he was there, and _(unless wanted for tone as a visual pause). Needed: _dark, careless_…  Not needed: _wear off and_…  Awkward: _weak smile, while_… (Should it be an independent thought in a second sentence?)  Needed: …_shortly after, the sheriff...._; and in _schools, but ever since that day, I…_

*T&V:* We see things from Richard’s perspective, through the  daze of recovering from the car accident and surgery. I actually liked  the use of _was_ throughout this story because, even though a  passive verb, it helped slow down the story’s pacing. This added to the  reader’s experience of his restive, yet disoriented, feeling. 

Favorite sentence: _They looked at each other for a long time, like  two duelists, until the nurse cleared her throat in an effort to break  the awkwardness building in the room._ This was our turning point in  the narrative and, once confronted by the awkwardness, from here the  reader gets the sense there is no further awkwardness that will need to  be overcome. I think it adds much to the overall voice of the piece.

Nice idiom: _rang a bell_. 

*Effect/Review:* Richard, a retired school teacher, is on his way  to his granddaughter’s birthday when he’s in an accident. While  recovering in the hospital, the surgeon comes in to talk with him. There  is a slight familiarity about her he can’t place, but then she tells  him who she was and what he did for her, and now how she does for  others.

Hi Kebe! Oh-my-goodness, I love tear jerkers! This story has a lot of  heart. It’s mature, well thought out, and has much dignity. And the  reader (me, at least) gets a sense of satisfaction in peeking into Mr.  Olsen’s life. The only thing I regret about this piece is that, at least  here in the states, it might be taken as a bit idealistic—and perhaps,  not truly believable. For example, a friend of mine who had an advocate  within the foster care system actually had the rare opportunity to be  encouraged to pursue higher education. Mostly, he said, the sad reality  was that most foster kids in the state where he was raised barely  finished high school. I hope it’s different where you’re from. On the  other hand, another friend, who taught university-level psychology  classes for many years, once told me about the studies that have been  done on how children raised in less than ideal family situations often  are the ones who go out and try to better themselves more so than those  who had an ideal family life. So, I guess our surgeon’s backstory is  more believable than I first thought; I’ll leave my thoughts here in  case they’re useful. 

Final thoughts… Tightening up your coma usage by gaining a better grasp  of conjunctive phrases and dependent clauses will help steady your tone  and your story’s effect upon the reader. Plus, the opening, _He couldn’t figure out why he was there_,  ties in nicely with the surgeon’s closing explanation that he saved not  only her life, but countless of others as well. It’s also a nice tie-in  to our theme—particularly in its life-affirming message! I really  enjoyed this story and hope to read more of your work in the future. 



*“7291878 rocky mountain” *
*By anon*

*SPaG:*
Capitalize: _Gregorian_. (Unless you’ve stylized it on purpose.)
Spelling: _recedes_

*T&V:* Uh… I can tell you’re having fun with this one, but  since I can’t tell what it’s about, I kind-of feel left to blundering  about in the eclipse of your artistry. I like the word imagery, the  repetitive, diminishing sounds, the competition between audible versus  visible recognition of things. The sounds ground us to the setting and  the hat widens the narrative. I’m going to say the tone is industrious?  The voice is clear and strong, only, well you know already.  

*Effect/Review: *Hi Anon! Okay, I’ll be honest. I like it, but I  don’t get it. (What’s it about, anyway?) Sounds like he’s rock climbing  out at Joshua Tree during a solar eclipse? (Do they have yucca and  prickly pear in the Rocky Mountains?) The sub-theme completely misses  me, too. (Sorry!) It has something to do with a financial crisis. But  then, we’re flung again to the guy who was stuck out there on the ledge  in the first place, and he’s thirsty. (A symbolic ledge?) I know this is  a terrible review… On the bright side, it gives you…perspective? 

Wait a second… you’re writing about carving something, not rock  climbing—aren’t you? My first thought was Mount Rushmore, but that  didn’t begin until the 1920’s. The MC is not an expert rock cutter. The  heads are those supervising from above. The water keeps the saw blade  from warping or seizing. (This is actually a really cool little story.)  The hat identifies the wearer, becomes a bit of theme in itself. (But,  who’s the man?) I’m giving it such a high score despite not knowing what  it’s about because it’s a fun mystery. Plus, I have no reason to doubt  (from the story) that the writer doesn’t have something specific in  mind; only, from the clues given, I just haven’t been able to put them  together fully. That also means I haven’t pieced together where the  butterfly effect fits into this. When you have the chance, can you  explain this a little better? By the way, I hope you write in this style  again—even though I didn’t succeed at doing so, it’s been fun trying to  figure out the clues. 



*“Family Tree” *
*By anon, Post #14*
*SPaG:             4*
*T/V:                3*
*Effect:             7*
*Overall:          14*

*SPaG:*
Coma usage in dependent clauses: _...very much, even though…; …would give them meat, Sister… …Catching a branch, she _

*T&V:* The tone begins playfully, with a sense of discovery  that ends in the self-defense killing of a dangerous predator. But the  truly dark moment is when Ata is cast out from her family. In a strange  twist of irony, this sadness of rejection is perhaps what forces her to  keep the cruel instrument that saved her life. However, I thought the  tone was a bit lacking in punch and distinctiveness. I liked the  narrative, but the story is too evenly paced. For example, when we  transition from playful discovery to self-defense, the sentence length  remains the same as do the and sentence structures used. Perhaps taking  sentences where you have semi colons and changing those sentences into  two might be a way to begin increasing the tension? 

*Effect/Review:* Ata makes a series of discoveries that a stick can  extend her reach or kill a beast. For her actions she is exiled, forced  to survive apart from her family and her dear sister, until one day,  6.5 million years later, her human descendent recognizes her “sister” in  a chimp.

Hi Anon! What a fun story! Nice open/close with eons of development  in-between! Even though much of the story was implied, as in the  butterfly and the jaguar (?), it otherwise very easy to follow. A  believability question: do apes have tails? I thought prehensile tails  were found only on South American monkeys—not their African  cousins—which is also why I thought the cat in the tree was a jaguar.  Or, do you mean that it lost its tail due to evolution? Confusion aside,  I liked the progression of discovery Ata experiences. There’s a lot of  cause and effect going on here, repeated discoveries with what she can  do with the stick and the social concerns that grow out of it. Ata’s  awareness of her situation is something, I think, the reader identifies  with. This month’s theme, of course, is prompted by her chasing the  butterfly to begin with—and what effects we get from this! Nice tie-in  with this month’s theme. Good work! I’m looking forward to reading more  of your stories in the future.



*“Change Time” *
*By Godofwine, Post #15*
*SPaG:             2.5*
*T/V:                4*
*Effect:             8.5*
*Overall:          15*

*SPaG:*
Regarding formatting, it might help to include a line between paragraphs  so the reader has an easier time telling one paragraph from another. 
Tenses…as your MC is seeing a future that won’t be, would it make better sense for the narration to be in the present tense? 
Wrong word choice: _every memory they_ (s/b that)
Spacing issues throughout: _andthen_. If your word processing  program isn’t helping you pick this out, then your next best solution  might be to print out what you have and review a hardcopy before  submitting. 

*T&V:* Tragic and chaotic with a bittersweet moment of clarity. There is an appropriate amount of action and detail—it’s a _Civic_, _cars zoomed_, _touched his fingers_, _diving goalie_—and nice use of metaphor—_a sea of waiting teammates_—that gives substance to the story in this tragic moment. I noticed the foreshadowing—an _eternal smile_, _two flights of stairs_—also  had a subtle appropriateness that in no way detracted from how the  story unfolds. In fact, nothing in it seems either too long or too  short; it strikes a balance between sentence length and content, between  reality and the momentary imaginings of daughter’s life-not-lived. I  thought the tone of this piece was well matched to its tragic story.

Favorite sentence: _He looked in disgust at the dented-in passenger door, into the backseat, then back at the road. _We  get a sense of his mood the moment before he realizes the semi is going  to hit—and then his thoughts change from his crumpled car to his  precious daughter. I know you’ve got a verbal nod to the butterfly  effect at the end of the story, but I think this is your butterfly  moment. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. 

*Effect/Review:* Harold and his small daughter have just been in an  accident when, seconds later, he sees that an oncoming will be unable  to avoid ramming them. The disgust of his damaged car fades as he  realizes that their lives will be taken, and in his final moments, the  joyous details of her small life that should have been lived unfold  before his mind.  

Hi Godofwine! Wow. You just jumped in there and got our blood boiling  didn’t you? I loved it. I think the reason this story worked so well for  me as your reader was that, even though it’s Harold’s imaging of his  daughter’s life, it is told with such such sensory detail it has to be  real. We hear her scream excitedly; we watch her stroll across the  stage. The repeated sounds of the deafening semi, her name is called,  her rambling on the phone, then the world exploding in undifferentiated  noises—it all add to the audial imagery of the event and his fantasy.  What a contrast between horror and joy. There is so much going on here,  yet it unfolds like a poem; the repeated tears falling bring the reader  back to the reality of what’s happening. Because it seems to have depth  like a poem, I get the impression that the next time I read it that I  will pick up more of what has not been said; there is so much here that  has been left unsaid. And the writer doesn’t need to say it. Some  helpful things… I would like to know what color his daughter’s eyes  were, to show these aren’t just his thoughts about thoughts of her but  about _her_, if you get what I mean. The ending with his final  thought being of a butterfly doesn’t quite seem right. All of his  musings are about his daughter; the butterfly seems like a forced  after-thought It’s symbolism for change doesn’t fit because it’s not  important to him—his daughter was. Why would she not be his final  thought? Can you link her to the butterfly? Then it might make more  sense. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and look forward to reading  your submission next month!
[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=-xXx-]
Tim
 “Feedback"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17/20

 Review
thanks for submitting.
title points
trigger label points

_"How the hell did she do that?" he thought.

"Compared to Creation, moving you and your chair is child's play. Get  it?" she asked, grinning and pointing to herself. "Child's play...Me...A  child...Ah, never mind."

The high-pitched-squeal in his mind faded to a tranquil, serene peace.  The golden-haired girl walked beside him, holding his hand with her  tiny, warm hand._

feedback and crosstalk.
like the casual approach to high action.


 SueC
 “Toilet Paper Wings"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
thanks for submitting.
title matches
character development points, most people relate.


_ Like a skywriters stream, a long, white band followed him down the  aisle and up to the podium. The room erupted in laughter and Jonathan,  initially unable to determine the joke, soon realized that they were  laughing at him.

 For the first time in recorded history, Jonathan Drake, historian extraordinaire, got the joke; and he laughed.

 "A funny thing happened on my way to . . . "_


 luckyscars
 “A Near Miss"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
thanks for submitting.
title points, wit
trigger label points
historical context, artist adolf as aside
i look forward to reading more.


 buck06191
“The Butterfly Effect"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
thanks for submitting.
title?
tattoo, rose->grateful deadish teacher
first person points

love this device:
_As he said this he started drawing a repeating figure eight,  switching halves seemingly at random, until it almost resembled a  butterfly’s wings. He reached out and touched my hand, pushing the  napkin into my closed fist, then got up and walked out of the bar.

Where the stranger in the bar had touched me there was now a small black mark in the shape of a butterfly’s wings. 

_
 Bardling
“It Could Have Been Anyone"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
thanks for submitting.
title points
amazing use of language.
hmmm, how do i feel about specific contemporaryish names.
(this ended up being a significant decision)

_It could have been anyone. This time, it was Tracy._

wow!
bird's eye to worm's eye, powerful!
worldbuilder.

 Rookish
 “Tragedy of the blind Lepidopterist"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
good to see you about
points for trigger label
title points
form points, font was a little tricky onscreen.

_"Goodbye butterfly," Merinda whispered.

The Paxcorp, serving as both police and millitary, turned upon itself. Blood flowed into the sewers. 

The virus was released.

In that moment she thought of all the many galaxies and birds.
 She remembered the most heavenly three months of her life. 
 She spent them with her son.

 Cenket Smith-Xao. 

 She died smiling.
_
i want to see this as a graphic novel.
worldbuilder.
jussayin' :wink:


 epimetheus
“Upon Wings of Passion"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 9/10
 Overall: 19/20

 Review
title points.
vivid.
amazing what you do with language.
first person points.
choice AS points.
_
"Yes, every part of my body remembered how they tortured me, how they  gave me the crimson scars that twist down my whole body; obscene veins  that made others see me as if through a fractured mirror."

"Some memory picked at a loose thread in my violent tapestry."

"I like to think one woman in the city knows."_

multiverse builder.
jussayin'

 Megan Pearson
“The Butterfly Effect"


 Review
title?
very human/human influence-relatable.

_It took a moment for the biofeedback stimulator to kick in and passively augment Mary’s brainwave patterns.

He chuckled, but hate darkened his eyes. “When they come to arrest you,”  he said under his breath, “I’ll be there.” He backed away, stepping  into Ella. His demeanor turned flirtatious as he made the best of the  mishap with her pretty research assistant, but as he strode away he shot  back a rude glare.

“When I grow up, I want to be just like you, momma. I want to be a doctor, momma. I want to cure kids just like me.”_ 

biofeedback points :wink:

 Stygian
“Out of Time"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 7/10
 Overall: 17/20

 Review
title points
trigger label points
hmmm, how do i feel about specific contemporary people?
(significant to assessment)
words are better than actions.

_“Kid, that program will kill millions. People will use manufactured  information to start mass dissent, uprisings, and throw us back to the  dark ages.” The man laughed and playfully slapped Mark on his face.  “Hard to believe you’re so naive.” The man stood up, he glared down at  Mark. “Cut the shit, kid, just give me the code.” The smell of acrid  smoke was getting worse. Mark could see a fire starting to come to life  where the man flicked his cigarette._


 Kebe
“A Memory from the Past"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 18/20

 Review
title, like the connection point aspect.
in this context, not seen as redundant.
your language choices are rich.
not too much, not too skimpy.
very human/human influence-relatable.

_ The nurse spoke with her whole face.

There were so many questions bubbling inside him, but he lacked the strength to push them over his lips. 

They looked at each other for a long time, like two duelists, until the  nurse cleared her throat in an effort to break the awkwardness building  in the room.

The memories rushed back like a bucket of cold water. He tried to sit up, but fatigue and pain drove him back into the pillow.

 In the surgeon’s freckled face, he could see that little girl with a gullible smile and eyes filled with laughter. 

_ anon
“Family Tree"
 Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 10/10
 Overall: 20/20

 Review
i do not have adequate words
to convey
how impressed i am
with this!!!
publish!
nothing fancy or flashy.
subtle strength.
pointedly pointy points.
evolution AS which side of the glass?

Ata was no longer welcome among her people; they were afraid of her.  Wailing with sorrow she ran into the jungle, dragging the bloodied stick  behind. She would have to survive her own way, find her own path. 


6.5 million years later...


 Kaley pulled her mother into the primate building. 

 "Chimps, Mommy, I want to see the chimps!" 

 Kaley ran to the thick window and looked in; a young chimpanzee was  picking bits of food off the ground. It looked up and caught Kaley's  eyes. They both stared silently, sharing a strange recognition. The  young ape shuffled over to put its hand against the window where Kaley's  palm was pressed. The girl whispered to the almost-human face behind  the glass. 

 "Sister..." 

---

 Godofwine
“Change Time"
 Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
 Tone/Voice: 5/5
 Effect: 8/10
 Overall: 17/20

 Review
first off, thanks for submitting.
posted format, not too distracting
now, not, was-neatly packaged for short form.
Harold's daughter have a name? :wink:
moments measured in tears.
breath breadth.

_"As the unavoidable moment of impact loomed before him, he turned toward the back seat."
"He was supposed protect her, and he couldn’t. A simulationof every memory they would never have flowed into his mind’s eye."_

love the (sensory summary) depths traveled in the final paragraph.
[/spoiler2]

Table:


EntryArachneMegan Pearson-xXxbdcharlesTotalFeedback - Tim1213.5171313.875Toilet Paper Wings - SueC15.519.5181517Near Miss - Luckyscars1418.5181817.125The Butterfly Effect - buck0619113.5181813.515.75It Could Have Been Anyone - Bardling8111815.513.125Tragedy of the blind Lepidopterist - Rookish8.59.51817.513.375Upon Wings of Passion - epimetheus13.520191817.625The Butterfly Effect - Megan Pearson (j/e)-----Out of Time - Stygian14.513171214.125A Memory from the Past - Kebe1517181214.12507291878 rocky mountain - anon/-xXx------Family Tree - anon (velo)13142015.515.625Change Time - Godofwine915171514
​
So your winner this time is 
*Epimetheus*
_with _
_*Upon **Wings **Of **Passion*_​
Followed by 
*Near Miss* - *Luckyscars*​
and
_*Toiler Paper Wings *_- *SueC


*​So well done Epimetheus, Luckyscars and Sue, and thank you Arachne, Megan and -xXx- for your support. Great turn out this month guys - long may it continue 

To the next!


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## epimetheus (May 6, 2019)

Well worth the wait, bdcharles, your effort is appreciated. Thanks to judges, especially with so many entries this month and congrats to everyone for fielding such a strong line up. My favourite was Tragedy of the blind Lepidopterist - interesting how the visual presentation had an impact on my interpretation of the story.

@*Megan Pearson*


> About the title, would the phrase form the text make more sense: Upon Wings of Mercy. (?)



I flittered through several titles on this one, and Upon the Wings of Mercy was the working title for most of it. I decided against it as i didn't want to give away that she would spare anyone. Also i wanted to play with the idea that mercy is a passion as much as rage and could be a source of magical power - but didn't have space to explore that aspect.
Glad you enjoyed it.

@*bdcharles*


> And yes, for my sins, I imagined that the POV was male. Burn me; set me to flame.



Yeah, i wondered if that would catch anyone. And yes, the butterflies were mentioned just to ensure everyone got that was the moment of change.

@*Arachne*


> I wish I had been able to decipher the plot and significance of the ending...


Sorry you got lost in it, but thanks for giving it 4 goes. I always struggle with knowing how clear to make things and how much i can rely on the readers to fill in themselves. I did think i might lose people at the burning at the stake, but i wanted to test it. 

@*-xXx-*


> multiverse builder.
> jussayin'



Hadn't seen a fantasy offering in LM so thought i'd give it a go. Maybe i've found my niche...


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## godofwine (May 6, 2019)

Congrats to the placers, those who submitted a story and the winner. Great job everyone. See you next month.


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## velo (May 6, 2019)

Thanks, judges!  And congrats to the winners!   

Just a point of clarification, the original title of "Family Tree" was "Common Anscestor," which I changed to try to give the ending a little more punch.  6.5mil years ago neither chimps nor humans existed.  Best guess we have is that the last common ancestor of the two species was a large, lemur-like primate.  So that's why there was a tail.


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## Kebe (May 8, 2019)

Congratulations Epimetheus! Once again, I learned a lot from the judges and from reading all the great stories in this round. I appreciate everybody's hard work behind the scenes to make this happen.

@Megan Pearson – Your sixth sense is correct  and I am thankful for your suggestions on how I can improve my use of the language.


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## Megan Pearson (May 9, 2019)

Everyone did a fantastic job! I really enjoyed reading all of the stories.

 For anyone new to this who would like to judge (maybe come June???), since I'm pretty new to it too, let me just say it is a rewarding challenge! I know I've learned _a ton_ from trying my best to understand how each story worked and why, and then in trying to provide helpful feedback. If you do try judging, it will absolutely make you more aware of things you are doing in your own writing!


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## Bardling (May 9, 2019)

I joined the forum for constructive criticism & I definitely got it from the judges.  That really does make me happy, because it helps me improve and I get feedback on what works in my writing.

The consensus seems to be that I have a tendency to overly complicate my sentences and I need to work on my grammar a little.  I have difficulty with making characters, so I am glad that tone was something that worked for most of the judges.  I feel I did better with characterization than I expected, but I feel that I am bad on that so I had low expectations to begin with.

Arachne - I am story that the story did not work for you.  The other judges seemed to follow along a bit better, so I think it might be a genre thing.  The story is definitely Fantasy.  I like Science Fiction, Fantasy and Alternate history.  Contemporary and literary work tends to bore me at best, though I keep trying to read them, and I have no interest in writing them.  I have a feeling that many of the terms that bothered you are genre specific.  Ichor, for example, is used quite often in fantasy to describe the bodily fluids of things that do not have blood.  I could have researched the correct term for spiders, but the protagonist wouldn't know it and wouldn't care.  
It is a bit of a synopses of the plot of a longer work.  I am sorry that she seemed ambivalent.  The story starts as just another day for her, if a bit more unpleasant because of her temporary employers, and then turns into a very dangerous situation.  I tried to convey her emotions through varying the sentence length and word choice, but it is obviously something I need to work on.

BDCharles - I will work on simplifying my sentence structure while maintaining the expressive turns of phrase.  Thank you for your encouragement and I am glad you enjoyed it!

Meaghan Pearson - I definitely need to work on my sentence structure.  I really should have had only one sentence start with "And".  Regarding the use of "it" in the first paragraph, I think that I could have worded things better.  The first it was meant to tie to the someone in the first sentence.  I meant the story to seem foreboding but not the melodrama.
The story is not fanfiction, really, but is taken from a larger story idea, with a lot of backstory.  I admit to stealing the founding idea (weak phantasmal servant shard accidentally transformed into something much stronger) but most of the identifying marks (the focus, how shards work, the world they are set in, the protagonist, their gender, background and motivation, etc) have been changed.  ( I do need a different name for the Shards, and the specific "Phantasmal Servant" shard before I would consider publishing it.  And I would credit the author as inspiration in the forward, with the name of the story.  Its only polite.)(The story I stole it from, Phantasmal Party by Trey Myr has harem elements.  It isn't a bad story otherwise, if you don't mind that sort of thing.  I do, but not enough to stop reading it.  And its cheap!  He is self published, but of decent quality.  And you can read the sequel as he is writing it on Royal Road.)
I need to work on showing, rather than telling.  I tend to lecture.  

-xXx-  The names are contemporary because the story is set in a world that was just like ours up until about 60 or so years ago.  Its based on a story idea I did a lot of world building on.


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## Megan Pearson (May 9, 2019)

Bardling said:


> I joined the forum for constructive criticism & I definitely got it from the judges.  That really does make me happy, because it helps me improve and I get feedback on what works in my writing.



Hey Bardling, 

That's the spirit! The reviews are certainly not meant to nit-pick but to help the writer gain perspective on what works / what can be improved upon. As you progress, you'll find that you don't need to apologize for not pleasing an audience (even judges!), so just take what you can and learn from it as you are able. One thing's for sure, it's not going to happen overnight--so don't be too hard on yourself, either. I have a manuscript of my own I'm dusting off that I thought was pretty good when I wrote it twelve years ago. Let me be the first to say, rereading it has been painful--boy, does it needs help! So, while we may all at different levels of learning, we are all still learning!

It sounds like you're doing the two best activities for becoming a better writer: reading a lot & writing your own stuff. Most of all, I hope you (and others here) have fun and get out of this what you are able. 

Again, I'm looking forward to your story this month! 

Take care!

Megan


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## -xXx- (May 10, 2019)

k.
personal goal, this response.

accolades all around.
i look forward to this every month.
judging is developmental potential.

*megan*, may i get your permission to use
the following on all of my written material?


Megan Pearson said:


> "I like it, but I don’t get it."
> Megan


working with scripting the nodes concepts
(_a kind_ of unified field theory)

apotrop[SUB](e)[/SUB]aic 
the role of ambiguity(faceless/nameless-ness) in te.(r)r_or_ methods, normalization

the use of science to mesmerize/mystify

intersection/collision patterns disturbing/obscurring cause-effect 
*appear*ance of arbitrary/coincidental
butterfly effect
hundredth monkey
concurrent discovery/universal consciousness/common sense
intention dis.guise

the spirit of a thing, immortal abstraction

subverted influence(s)
as in *Eyes of Laura Mars*
enormous burdens placed on prey within survival scene
while subjected to internalized self-perception as prey
by overriding predator point-of-view,
ref _john howard carpenter _ie:culture, cue

clop, clop. substitution for tick, tock
(micro extension of cosmic clock and "cyclic embedding _as_ economic")
hat substitution for restoring function
i'll leave water to _the_ reader

multiple layers of potential relationships between "characters"
*one person, three aspects*; did the horseman/hero return to a traumatic place?
*two persons*, did the horseman/hero provide critical assistance to a traumatized/wounded person, Dugger?
*three "persons"*, is the banished entity (_induced?_ panic, immortal) separate from horseman hero and Dugger?  

are these ideas helpful?

nah, i'm not best seller material.


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## Rookish (May 14, 2019)

Nice. Moment I read Upon Wings of Passion I knew it was a winner. Words mesh well. Story expansive. Fantasy subverted.... peace through conscience, not conflict. No antagonist is needed against a determined protagonist, for the emotions of the protagonist, perhaps instinctual genetic facets, defeat the original goals.

Thus a city saved... for the peril has grown ashamed.


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## Megan Pearson (May 16, 2019)

-xXx- said:


> *megan*, may i get your permission to use
> the following on all of my written material?



"I like it, but I don't get it." 

Absolutely! Go ahead and immortalize me. 

Approaching this exercise as a kind of unified field theory...hmm. Yep, y'er definately smarter than me! As to the overview, I was rather thinking of class distinction, or of a supervisor/laborer relationship--survival, yes, though not as a meal. (It was the _gravity_ of the situation bothered me greatly--both literal & metaphorical.) I had to do some research about the eclipse for that year because I thought maybe you were referring to Mt. Rushmore but discovered its construction came later. Considering the degree of abstraction you were aiming for, you may be amused I thought this was about a stone mason plying his trade while suspended from ropes. (Did I say that in the review?) The imagery that has remained since reading has been akin to the sort of artsy filming we might find in a 1970's experimental film--bizarre angles for emphasis, skewed lighting for mood, a slight over-exaggeration of the mundane to influence the viewer's response--yet somehow done in a fresh & non-sentimental way. Not sure this helps, but for what it's worth, the commentary is free. 




-xXx- said:


> nah, i'm not best seller material.



Well, don't discount yourself too soon. You do have readers out there; you just need to find them. So until you do become a bestselling author and then think you've become too good for us average, literal folk, please do write more shorts like this. I like a challenge.

Cheers!

Megan


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