# November 2014 - LM - Saturday Night in the City of the Dead - Scores



## Fin (Dec 4, 2014)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Saturday Night in the City of the Dead



Things are getting more delayed as I’m nearing my end! Bad way to go out. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Folcro, Pluralized, Terry D and Jon M for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**Pluralized**Terry D**Jon M**Average**Guy Faukes*171717.51817.37*Euripides*141618.51716.37*InkwellMachine*1417181516*thepancreas11*1617171416*bazz cargo*151716.51415.62*InstituteMan*1712181515.5*J Anfinson*1515171515.5*Bishop*141416.51615.12*Ibb*1114161614.25*”Just Another Saturday Night” by kilroy214*1211141613.25*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord*1214131112.5*Godofwine*1111171112.5*rockoo315*912131311.75*EmmaSohan*101511.51011.62*Ephemeral_One*812121311.25

Congratulations to our first place winner, *Guy Faukes* with his entry *Orphans.*
In second place, we have *Euripides* with her entry *Passing On.*
And in third, we’ve got a tie between *thepancreas11* and *InkwellMachine* with their entries *Unfinished*  and *Armature*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Jon M’s scores]

*Epilogue, Prologue* by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord 
Score: 11


Thought the narrative style was inconsistent, the first half with so  much quoted dialogue, the second half with its insistent refrain: they  set out/they pass/they cross. Felt like two different stories. Decent  story. Enjoyed the second half more because of the sense of history  present; without the repetition, which seems under-cooked, I probably  would have enjoyed it even more. 

​
*Armature* by InkwellMachine 
Score: 15


At times the narrative seems to keep the reader at arm’s length. So many  instances where things are not clarified—purposefully, no doubt, but  still annoying: “the collection”, “the specimen”, “of what it was  created to look like”, “original frame”, “the creature she’d taken it  from”. 

A couple instances where the story explains too much: “which was natural  for a specimen so fresh” and “on one of the disposable plastic table  cloths she used for the activity”. 

Decent writing throughout. The structure kind of annoys because it is  relied upon so often in flash fiction, and is very familiar to anybody  who’s ever judged this competition. 

​
*Untitled *by rockoo315 
Score: 13


Missing a word in paragraph two: head/mind. Actually, in that paragraph  there are a few examples of clunky prose—quoting the exact time when  “almost four” would have sufficed; same with the “internal thermometer”.  
The first lines of dialogue are bad—a similar story in this competition, _Apple Zombies_,  does the same thing. You’d think Big Mike and the narrator would have  sorted out their reasons for traveling prior to their arrival. So the  dialogue isn’t credible; it seems to exist here for the reader’s  benefit.

“also known as your wife” – more exposition; people don’t talk this way. 

 This isn’t a story, but a dramatized moment—a scene. Very little  happens here, and structurally the events are typical, almost cliché:  insight into the narrator’s marital difficulties, drinking with Big  Mike, and then some pretty moment that tries through poeticism to assure  us that everything’s going to be okay. 

​
*Unfinished* by thepancreas11 
Score: 14


Decent story overall, though obviously unfinished. But aside from that,  the story--and the way it's written--seems too big for the word count.  So rooted in one scene, everything dramatized, all the dialogue quoted  and not paraphrased--in other words, everything "shown" and unpacked and  nothing "told". And that is part of the reason this doesn't work for  me. There's no mileage, no distance. You can write nearly seven hundred  words about a five minute moment, or use the same amount of words to  span five years. In a novel, you can unpack and dramatize and put  everything in a scene all you want; flash is different. And I just think  successful flash travels. It covers distances and time. 

Nits:

"gown and mask obscuring most of his face" is inaccurate; only the mask is doing this. Better to write, "gowned and masked". 

Seems odd the narrator would lament the amount of wasted lives shortly  after admitting the dead were more interesting than the living.  Additionally, the narrator's comment, "It's not like they'll complain  about their care" seems strangely dismissive in light of his other  OCD-like behaviors, like the immaculate arrangement of his tools. I have  trouble reconciling these different attitudes. And if that's the point,  that the narrator is some conflicted guy always contradicting himself,  it doesn't come through, either.

Dislike how Kevin became a talking head at the end, how he's telling us  all about the kid. Too expository, too crafty. It's not terrible, but I  would have preferred their conversation was different, atypical.  Thinking about contrast here--maybe Kevin tells a funny story while  they're cutting into this kid.


*The Lesson* by Ephemeral_One 
Score: 13


Punctuation and grammar errors throughout. Unnecessary capitalization,  commas where periods should be, missed hyphens, et cetera. Prose style  is kinda stilted, drags. Odd construction at times, like, “Answered the  student dutifully to step around a chunk.” Confusion over referents,  like when the teacher sits down on “it” and it’s not clear if you’re  talking about the tree or the grave markers. 

Thought the story in general was dull and kind of cliché. Why are tone  and mood important? Why are they out there in the first place? Why the  lessons at all? What is the broader picture? This story is so locked  into a singular moment that it ignores these other questions. 
​
*Another Saturday Night in the City of the Dead and Dying* by InstituteMan
Score: 15


Decent overall, but overwritten in spots (“impaled”). Didn’t think it  was structured very well. Most of the word count is spent on a scene  where these kids drink and chitchat and ultimately say little of  substance, on the eve of this guy’s leave to college. Then near the end,  it’s almost like the story senses how pointless it will be if it  doesn’t wrap things up, so then the narrative condenses time and we get a  sweeping of what happens later. Truthfully, the breezy style in the  last few paragraphs should have been the style throughout. So much space  is wasted at the beginning (and the middle) on scene setting,  melodrama, and dialogue that hardly advances the story or communicates  anything of substance.


*Boring Old Space Tomb *by Bishop
Score: 16


Pretty good sci-fi, carried me along. Pretty clean and error-free. Reads  like an excerpt from a longer story. Nothing really happens here. They  crack open a tomb of some sort, gabbing while they work. Interesting  that in this future they still use crowbars and elbow grease to pry open  stuff. Characterization's decent. Dialogue is well done but didn't seem  to advance the story all that much, not that it has to. But all of this  has the slow, deliberate pace of a novel, and while it is good writing  technically, I don't think it succeeds as flash. Stuff has to happen.  There has to be a story, some traceable arc. At most, this is a  vignette. 

Title is very uninspired.


*SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY OF THE DEAD* by EmmaSohan
Score: 10

About the only thing I liked here was Nate's insistence for the rest of the story, always asking "And. . . ?" Kind of reads like a brostory--a group of guys talking about their sexual conquests. Kind of boring stuff, to be honest. Surely there must be more interesting things to gab about. I love when characters tell anecdotes and there are stories within the story, and in that sense I enjoyed the story. But the stories themselves just have to be more interesting, weirder, higher stakes. 

Also, if dialogue is to be introduced by the speaker's name, then it should be consistent and used throughout. 


*Passing On* by Euripides
Score: 17


A pretty good story here. Publishable if you find the right venue. Some place like _Everyday Fiction_  might take it. Anyway, enjoyed this story, how this is sort of a ghost  bar. Seems like it is basically just limbo, purgatory maybe. Expository  parts, like the narrator’s connection to Susan, were handled well. Just a  really nicely focused story overall, no detail that seems out of place.  Only thing I could criticize is the repetition of “Harry” in Susan’s  dialogue; doesn’t ring true if you imagine their encounter happening  face to face. People don’t really call out another person’s name to  their face, not often anyway, and not in most cases. I think you could  get by cutting both, or at least the second one. 
​
*
Saturday Night Cinema* by J Anfinson
Score: 15


Decent writing overall. A nice bit of foreshadowing in “ghostly glow”. A  little thin on specifics, like where “this place” is, and why the dead  are watching the same reel over and over. The structure is a familiar  one to these challenges, in which the reveal is delayed so the ending  has resonance, a punch. The beginning and middle sections were tedious  because of this, not unlike watching a pitcher wind up in super slo-mo.  Similarly, I could sense the wind up here, the narrative getting ready  for the figurative fast ball. It’s a very boring structure, to be  honest, and what happens most of the time is that the story’s most  evocative part is placed at the end. This logic is hard to understand; I  am left wondering why the story is not upfront with the reader,  explains the gist of the situation here, and then explores the rest of  this idea, the _why_ and the _how_ of it.


*Saturday Night In The City Of The Dead* by bazz cargo
Score: 14


Pretty good. Enjoyed the details here, like Eric's attempts at "Smoke On the Water", taking the halo off the coat stand. "Viking afterlife" could, and should, be changed to the actual name, whether that is Helheim, Valhalla, Folkvang, or some other name I missed during my cursory research. A few punctuation errors, like the first dialogue tag being capitalized when it shouldn't. "Cherub delivered" is missing a hyphen. "Sam Planks disco" is missing an apostrophe. 

Enjoyed this, though. Just wish there was more content. More description, where appropriate, etc. 


*Apple Zombies* by Godofwine
Score: 11


The story adopts the criticism people have made  of smartphones since their inception and puts a literal spin on it, that  every user is some glass-eyed zombie. The story doesn’t go anywhere new  or interesting. It reads like a set-up for the ending where, of course,  someone dies.

The dialogue is expository. The very first thing said, for example,  can be paraphrased: “Hey Mike, for the benefit of readers, what is the  point of this story?” The ensuing conversation reads like a  thinly-disguised rant about smart phone users, hitting all the same  points that these devices have been mocked for since the mid-00’s.


*Empire's End* by Ibb
Score: 16


Decently written, though I can't say I know what is going on in this story. I was curious to know what was in the basket. Also wanted to know why the old man refused it. I think the story is missing a line break; the paragraph beginning with Lydia Reyes is an abrupt transition. That part was confusing, and I had to read the line several times to sort out the characters, who Lydia and Marshall even were. There were a couple of instances where the dialogue tags were sentences with multiple clauses, which is incorrect. Otherwise, pretty clean. 


*Orphans* by Guy Faukes
Score: 18


Thought this was pretty good. Seems well researched. For a story mostly comprised of exposition, it held my interest. The narrator's voice is well done, consistent. Sounds mature, perhaps from years of hard living, with a touch of pity, guilt or regret maybe. About the only criticism I have is that little happens. The narrative is very internal. I would have liked to see more external focus, even if it is just him burying his dad. Take the reader through the steps of that, the labor involved. That would help balance the story, so it doesn't feel so ponderous, so full of exposition. Good, though. Enjoyed read this. Might even be publishable. 


*Just Another Saturday Night *by Anonymous
Score: 16


A decent story overall. Thought the dream was handled okay, maybe it takes up a little too much space here and could be revised down some. Right now it seems inefficient. All that section needs to do is include a few visceral images, it doesn't need to be this long, drawn-out fight. So revising it down would free up some of the word count, so other parts of this narrative could be fleshed out more. Enjoyed the low-key ending, though.




[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Terry D’s scores]

*ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
Epilogue, Prologue

Total   13 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5*  Formatting the story is a major part of the reading experience. The lack of paragraph breaks in this piece is very distracting. It is, however, very well punctuated.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  The voice is consistent throughout, and I think the surreal tone achieved its objective, but there was nothing compelling in the POV or style.

*Effect – 6 of 10*  There is a lot of imagery crammed into this piece, much of it beautifully written.  Perhaps too much. It reads more like an exercise than a story. In my opinion flash fiction works best when it is clear and concise. The convoluted symbolism of this entry would need far more space to sort itself out for the reader. As a reader I don’t want to walk away thinking, “I assume the author knows what he means, but…”


*Inkwell Machine
Armature
Total  18 of 20

SPaG – 5 of 5*  I saw nothing here to complain about. Very straight forward construction and good simple language that didn’t get in the way of the story.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  When I considered the overall theme of the piece, and with a second reading, I felt that the voice of the narrator could benefit from drawing closer to the action. There is a desperation to the character which doesn’t come through in the narrator’s voice. It’s very good as it stands, but it seems to lack just a touch of empathy.

*Effect – 9 of 10*  I would have liked to give this a ten-of-ten, but just couldn’t. It’s a very, very good horror story, well-paced and well delivered, with a visceral twist that I liked a lot. My only hang-up is with the sheer improbability of it. The human body cannot withstand a flailing as you have described. The shock alone would be fatal, then you have blood loss, dehydration, infection. Getting stuck on factual stumbling blocks is a failing of mine. This is a terrific story.


*Rockoo315
Untitled

Total  13  of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5*  There are a lot of misspellings – faze, not phase; judgment, not judgement, etc. – and quite a few punctuation errors.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  The voice was interesting and stayed consistent.

*Effect – 6 of 10*  The last line tie-in to the prompt seemed forced, almost like an add-on to fit the competition. In the first line you write, ‘In the past week, I’ve held divorce papers, a plane ticket to Tromsø, Norway, and another man’s chest in my hands.’ The first two items are referenced in the story, but third is not.  There’s an old bit of writing advice that says, “If there is a gun on the mantle in act one, somebody better get shot in act two.” You can’t just drop a story component, especially in flash fiction.


*Thpancreas11
Unfinished

Total  17 of 20

SPag – 4.5 of 5 *  I found one missing comma (It annoys me, to be honest*,*...), otherwise it looks clean to my eye.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5 * I like the cynical tone of the protagonist’s voice. It seems fitting for the story, but I think it could have been better developed. Nothing wrong, just an opportunity missed IMO.

*Effect – 8.5 of 10 * A nicely told tale complete with beginning middle and end. That’s important to me in flash fiction. The only weakness it has, for me, is due to the word count constraints. The slight ‘info dump’ by Kevin of what happened at the beach pulled me out of the story somewhat, but it’s had to get that sort of backstory into 650 words. Good job.


*Ephemeral_One
The Lesson

Total  12 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5 * Two things jumped out at me: the first is improper punctuation in dialogue attributions (“Repeat the lesson,” He demanded…) ‘He’ should not be capitalized, it is part of the same sentence. The second thing I noticed was that you switch speakers without creating a new paragraph. Each speaker gets their own paragraph.

*Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 * The structure seemed jerky and jumbled to me. While there was a consistent tone throughout, I found myself re-reading paragraphs to understand who was doing what. There were also several clumsy sentences, for instance: Once pristine statues now falling apart with whole chunks fallen onto the ground. That’s a phrase, IMO, not a sentence.

*Effect – 6 of 10*  The story itself has promise, but the writing needs quite a bit of work to make it smoother and clearer. There are some very nice images presented (the paragraph where the protagonist is held down and stares into his attacker’s eye sockets is one such), but their effect is diluted by poor phrasing.



*Instituteman
Another Saturday Night in the City of the Dead and Dying

Total  18 of 20

SPaG – 4.5 of 5*  Found only one nit to pick on this count. ‘Cemetery’ was misspelled as ‘cemetary’ late in the story. I did like the way you varied the length and pace of sentences. Well done.

*Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5*  Subdued, consistent, and effective use of language. There were just a couple of small spots where I hit a ‘speed-bump’ as I was reading. One was here: “You’re going to catch hell for this,” he said to her proffered cup. Nothing technically wrong, but it doesn’t rest well in my ear.

*Effect – 9 of 10 * There’s a lot going on inside the characters in this story and you explore it well in the brief format. The story reads very smoothly. Fine work.



*Bishop
Boring Old Space Tomb

Total  16.5 of 20


SPaG – 5 of 5*  Seems very clean to me even after a third read-through.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  Solid and consistent tone and voice, but it was a touch flat; neither humorous or dramatic. There is nothing wrong with the ‘sound’ of this story (except for a couple of rough spots […his voice spoke…’he spoke’ would have been fine]) but there’s nothing to make it memorable either.

*Effect – 7.5 of 10 * I like the dialogue and the relationships in this one, and I think you contain the story within the word count very well, but the flatness of the tone kept it from scoring better, and the ending was very abrupt. Overall a good story which just misses scoring very, very well.


*EmmaSohan
Saturday Night in the City of the Dead

Total   11.5 of 20

SPaG – 3.5 of 5*  This format just didn’t work for me. It’s not a narrative and it’s not structured like a screenplay. Experimentation is fine, but it should have a purpose and I do not see one in this. All the spelling and punctuation is good.

*Tone and Voice – 3 of 5 * I think you achieved what you set out to do with the tone of this piece good job of that. However, there is no difference between the voices of the characters. I counted seven different speakers, but they all sound the same.

*Effect – 5 of 10*  I liked the moment when Jacob said “God damn it, Barry…” and the silence after it, waiting. That was a nice nugget. The rest of the story, however, was pointless, or I badly missed the point.


*Euripides
Passing On

Total  18.5 of 20

SPaG – 5 of 5*  Nicely done.

*Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5*  This is what I’m looking for when I read flash fiction; consistent tone and a unique voice. Everything worked well together. My only nit is with this line in the first paragraph: Three nights I’ve seen him here. I feel it would work better in pluperfect as: Three nights I’d seen him here. That is the only spot where I was brought out of the story.

*Effect – 9 of 10*  The ending happened a bit too abruptly for me, but that’s a minor complaint. This is a very nice story. Thanks for entering it.


*JAfinson
Saturday Night Cinema

Total  17 of 20

SPaG – 4.5 of 5*  One punctuation error, “Think they’ll let us watch something good this time*?*” she asked. Other than that I caught nothing.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  The tone was aptly somber and somewhat wistful, the voice well maintained but not unique.

*Effect – 8.5 of 10* The pace of this was good. The revelation that the movie night was an atonement for suicide unfolded smoothly, the ending seemed a little forced, as if you weren’t quite sure how to end it.


*BazzCargo
Saturday Night in the City of the Dead (Or Bad Joke Blues)

Total  16.5 of 20

SPaG – 4 of 5*  There were a few missing commas and an absent apostrophe in Sam Plank*’*s Disco. Other than that fairly tidy.

*Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5*  The light tone matched the subject matter well, and the dialogue was snappy and consistent.

*Effect – 8 of 10*  The narrative did its job of setting up the horrendous pun at the end and was fun to read. The points lost were because the pun is just slightly off to my ear. Thanks for the fun story.


*Godofwine
Apple Zombies

Total   17 of 20

SPaG – 4.5 of 5*  Very clean as far as punctuation and grammar is concerned right up to the last sentence where there should be a full stop after ‘him’ in ‘…on top of him*.* Mike could only…

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*  Not much difference between the voices of the two characters. I think there is also an opportunity to create a creepier atmosphere with a few changes.

*Effect – 8.5 of 10*  I liked the premise of this story and it was pretty well handled. The opening sentence was a bit rough. The ‘…did not seem connected to Earth’ was a bit clunky. Qualifiers like ‘seemed’ leech strength from your prose, be careful with them.


*Ibb
Empire’s End

Total  16 of 20

SPaG – 4.5 of 5*  Very well done, except for one spot that I saw: “Markus!” but he was already…  The ‘B’ in ‘but’ should be capitalized, as this is not a dialogue attribution, but a separate sentence.

*Tone and Voice – 4.5 of 5*  This is very well written with a distinctive sound and a well-paced balance between dialogue and narrative. There were some phrases and word choices, however, which clunked like a grocery cart with a flat spot on one wheel. “…staring suddenly ahead” doesn’t work for me. The ‘suddenly’ seems out-of-place.

*Effect – 7 of 10*  This is a well written story in many ways, with some very nice bits, like: She smiled, then frowned, seeing his the first time then seeing him the second. There were several of these. However, there were also several times when the phrasing seemed to get in the way of the story. One such: Wild-eyed and disheveled, his voice near pleading; he’d heard. This took several readings to decipher. Also, there are a couple of unanswered questions which left me unsatisfied with the story. The first was the significance of the basket, the second was; He knew what he was; he had hoped he could go on pretending a little longer. It could just be me, but I don’t get it.


*Guy Faukes
Orphans

Total   17.5 of 20

SPaG – 5 of 5*   Clean, well-handled SPaG. I’ll address my only nits in the next section.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*   There is a distinctive, consistent tone to this piece which is very appropriate to the story. My only quibbles are with some words which seem to be missing. For instance: …a jumbled rendition of a ceremony I faintly remember *(from)* all those years ago. There were a couple of other instances of the same sort of thing.

*Effect – 8.5 of 10 *  This is a very smoothly written piece, with a nice rhythm to it and a very pleasant ‘sound’. I did have to knock off a bit, however, due to a factual error at the outset. An asteroid impact would not bore a tunnel into a mountain side. It could vaporize it, or create an immense crater, but not bore into it. I know it’s a small thing as far as the story is concerned, but it did have an effect on my overall impression of the piece.


*Anonymous
Just Another Saturday Night


Total  14 of 20

SPaG – 3 of 5*   A number of punctuation errors. Mostly missing commas and one missing apostrophe (in *‘*til*l*). Also the piece needs proper paragraph spacing.

*Tone and Voice – 4 of 5*   The pacing and tone was nice for an action piece. There were a couple of places where it took a re-read to understand just who did what, but overall not bad.

*Effect – 7 of 10*   It read a little choppy, and I’m not quite sure if it is supposed to be a humor piece, or not. It did get me to chuckle at: ‘Donald ducked…’ There were some nice phrases in it; “…the way the laces of her apron bounced atop the curve of her sculpted rear…” was one.




[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Pluralized’s scores]

* Arrowinthebowofthelard*
*“Epilogue, Prologue”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 14*


This story had some beautiful moments, and I really enjoyed it. The poetic descriptions and back-looking narrative were engaging. The writing was decent. Thought the dialogue went on too long, didn’t really do anything for the story, and I kept having to re-read to figure out who was talking. The second half has a few tense slips and there’s way too much ‘they walk’ and ‘they pass’ and such. The ending didn’t work for me, but I’m not much for deciphering. Good read, glad you entered. 


*   InkwellMachine*
*“Armature”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*


Weird! She’s peeling herself and making her own friends. Sad, creepy story. I like it. Well written, clear and precise. Not much to squawk about with this one, except a few errors: Taught >>> taut and table cloth >>> tablecloth
Great job, fine story. Wondered only a tiny bit longer than I should have about the setting, and maybe a few more sensory details could’ve deepened the atmosphere.


*    Rockoo315*
*“Untitled”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 12*


Drinking strange liquor with Big Mike. Been there, but not in Norway. This was fun, and I enjoyed it. There are a few errors, missing hyphens, and the story kind of rambles all over and ends weird. Overall could probably have used a careful revision to make the ending more palatable. 


*   Pancreas*
*“UNFINISHED”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*


Los Pancreaseses! This was really good. I think what made it work so well was how you tied the obsessive puzzler thing into it and ended on that note. Real strong dramatic work there. Wanted you to look around a bit more, give me more dynamic description of what was going on, but it wasn’t like there was anything really wrong. Good editing and nice tone. Maybe a bit cautious, and I sensed that conservatism in the prose, hence the point on tone/voice. I like the chainsaw, once idling, to roar and buzz once in a while. Slice some stuff up, you know? Good work any which way you… did I mention I love coroner stories? 


*  Ephemeral_One*
*“The Lesson”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 2*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 12*


I enjoyed the graveyard setting, and this story fits the prompt nicely. Maybe too nicely, though, and I was wondering how many times I’d read this exact same story before. Maybe it was the ‘icy grip’ of the fingers or something. Sorry to say that, but it felt cliché and I didn’t think it hit any original notes. I like my horror thick, though, so that’s part of it. Comma splices galore, and many places where the dialogue needs different punctuation applied to either the attribution or the dialogue itself. Also inconsistencies in the capitalization of Teacher. I did like the clean slice there at the end which truncates the previous actions nicely. Good job.


*    InstituteMan*
*“Another Saturday Night in the City of the Dead and Dying”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 12*


As much as I wanted to revel in the drama here and to experience the sad tale of lost love, I had a hard time with the writing. Awkward phrasings and superfluous details pervade this thing and I just didn’t get any flow going at all. Spelling was good but the comma usage and word choices really created a halting and disconnected reading experience. Things like:


*atop the tomb* – jmmm.


*blond haired girl* (blonde?) or blonde-haired? Girl with the blonde hair?


*oddly elegant* – didn’t conjure much for me.

*in the valley below.* – I wondered how the sun impaled itself on the spire if the church was so far away. Minor visual detail.


*She laughed as she spoke, though.* – awkward. Probably lose the comma and ‘though’ and maybe start the passage with this and have the dialogue follow.


*caressing her loose hair with his hand* – Is her hair falling out?

*they at least leave us alone* – that’s a mouthful.


*She sighed as she settled* – tongue-twister.


*They both thought* – packing too many similar sounds together. I can’t say this smoothly in my head.


*barely make out her bare limbs as she walked to the car barely* – barely, bare, barely.

*he said to her proffered cup.* – awkward phrasing. The use of a ten-dollar word which is supposed to be a verb used as an adjective to describe the cup made this pull me out of the story.


*The next morning he used the plane ticket he had saved all summer to buy, heading off to a fancy college out east.* – The gerund stumbles. Maybe reword this entire thing. Also why is he saving all summer for plane fare but getting to go to a ‘fancy’ college? Seems like something’s amiss.


Sorry to nitpick but I thought you might like to have the specific things that I stumbled over. Along with these nits, I would have liked very much to know someone’s name or something about them. Characterization is rather weak overall. I did like the setting, which seemed appropriately morbid, and I got the sense you felt passionate about their young love. The story just didn’t come to me in a palatable enough format to fully enjoy, unfortunately.  


*    Bishop*
*“Boring Old Space Tomb”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 14*


Fun times, and a neat little sci-fi world. Good characters, nice voice. Good banter. 
Spelling and grammar – I applaud your technical prowess; the only things I noticed were the use of ‘comm’ in the first sentence which seems to need another look, and the lack of capitalization on the word ‘geilion.’ Also I read a sentence ‘it ends up in museums’ – seems like some kind of pluralization bust. I’m sensitive to those by default.


Overall not much story meat, for me personally, and I was left at the end feeling like I’d been swindled a little bit. There were bread crumbs, but just these archivists being archivists isn’t enough for me to feel like I’ve just traversed an arc. Perhaps most of this sentiment is due to the excess of dialogue, which drove the pacing nicely but left me short-changed in terms of understanding the overall purpose and functionality of the story. I will say, however, the sprinkling of exposition throughout the dialogue was well done and created some setting atmosphere, just maybe not quite enough for me to feel any impact.


*   EmmaSohan*
*“Saturday Night in the City of the Dead”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 5*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 5*
*Overall: 15*


Cool script format. Enjoyed reading that, and it was well done. I think it suffers for the formatting, however, because it’s all just this one conversation in this one moment and we have little ground covered at the end of it all. Good job though – I really think it was well done and skillfully written.


The use of ‘cum’ jumped out at me (the puns!) and I didn’t know what to feel at the end. These dudes are dead, talking about their various escapades, but I kind of said ‘what’s the point?’ at the end. Like as in, what are we doing here? Just giggling about this stuff and then realizing we’re all dead anyway? Something deeper maybe needed to ensnare my story-enjoyment bunny. Thanks for entering – I like the flow and accuracy in your writing. 


*   Euripides *
*“Passing On”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 7*
*Overall: 16*


One of the best uses of the prompt, and one that felt quite natural. Almost like I expected it, but not in the bad way. Great story. 


Felt like you could have cut some stuff and lengthened the arc somewhat, as we’re really just there in the bar for a few moments (though you did a good job dropping in some exposition; I think it could’ve been shuffled in a bit more usefully with some of the tedium cut out). But that’s flash, and we can only do so much with the word count. I was engrossed, and thought you had some really thoughtful moments. The “Collection Agency” concept is pretty smart, and I think a roving gang of dead guys called “Reapers” is fodder for fun stuff. I also liked the line “Nobody gets it right.”


There was a sentence missing its subject in the first paragraph. Sometimes that can be done for effect, but in this case it just seemed like an error. Or maybe, we’re just looking at a comma splice: Young, good looking in a non-threatening college-boy sort of way, looked personable.


Nice work.


*     J Anfinson*
*“Saturday Night Cinema”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 7*
*Overall: 15*


Scratched my head over the notion of these ghosts, and what they’re compelled to do. Like some kind of Anfinson hell where they’re forced to watch this horrible shit go down? It’s hard to imagine any kind of afterlife in which there was a presentation of this sort, but I applaud the dynamic originality here. I sense words unused, and a story told which needs no traditional amplitude. Docking tone/voice because, given the subject matter, there could be some experimentation and stylistic adventure. As is, it’s pretty basic tone and cautious voice. 


Theatre?


The only errors I caught: “Think they’ll let us watch something good this time,” she asked. – probably want a question mark to indicate the question.


Also, A blonde haired girl, - use your hyphens. They’re your friends. 


I enjoyed the story and liked the weird image of these ghouls watching deaths. 


*    Bazz Cargo*
*“Bad Joke Blues”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*


One of the most fun stories in the whole thing, and done really smart with about half the word count. I’m pretty impressed with this effort. Not sure about some of the hyphenation and I could nit-pick some capitalization stuff but overall it was readable and had a trademark wit that I really enjoyed. Good job.


*   godofwine*
*“Apple Zombies”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 3*
*Effect: 4*
*Overall: 11*


Felt like an idea that maybe was funnier in your head than when fully written out. Clunky dialogue, over-the-top treatment of a polarizing us v. them consumer travesty that I wished I could have rewound my head and spat the words out. Sorry it didn’t work better for me. 


By the way: “A whole ‘nother level” is one of those American slang things I’ve never fully understood. Didn’t necessarily dock you for it, but seeing it fully written out like that makes me convinced that the usage is definitely wrong. Thank you.


*     Ibb*
*“Empire’s End”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3*
*Tone/Voice: 4*
*Effect: 7*
*Overall: 14*


The flow of this story started out strong, and I was hopeful, but then there became too many disjointed turns and enigmatic unravelings and I got lost. Thought Markus was a strong character from the outset though, and the ending was pretty special. Could have used a hairbrush run through it for tangles and to clear up some of the spag. Enjoyed reading it through, just got a few snags in my delicates as I was frolicking.


*   Guy Faukes*
*“Orphans”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 4*
*Tone/Voice: 5*
*Effect: 8*
*Overall: 17*


Really refreshing. Smart writing, and a nice break from all the dialogue I’ve been reading in the other entries. Not to knock dialogue; it’s a useful pacing tool and creates worlds between characters that are very valuable. It’s just that I like a balance. Your skillful narrating is quite enjoyable and I really found this to be a gripping piece. Didn’t get enough tension out of it, though, even with the present tense and some of the neat setting details and corpses and stuff. So a few points off there, but overall really strong work. Need to look at the commas, as I spotted rogues. Also a couple of funky phrasings like: ‘couldn’t have been more than only a few years older…’ Beyond that it’s magnificent work. 


*   Anon*
*“Just Another Saturday Night”*
*Spelling/Grammar: 3*
*Tone/Voice: 2*
*Effect: 6*
*Overall: 11*


This had promise, and there were moments I really liked the action elements of it, but I had a tough time with the writing itself. Comma splices abound, missing hyphens and funky word choices, and at the end of it all, too many instances where the writing didn’t have the octane to support the combustion of the story. I did like the subterfuge though. 


If you were trying to be funny with some of the stuff like “Donald ducked” and “Gorilla Mask” then I applaud you. But they seemed like inadvertent bumbles to me. A couple other things that contributed to the overall impression of this piece:


*brass bristled brush down the barrel of his Browning* – you said a mouthful.


*the arc sodium lights cast a jaundice shade across the waxy finish.* – Please don’t do that.


*Masterlock key in the lock.* –Indeed. 


Sorry – I see what you did there, but we have a chicken that’s only half-cooked and I’m burping up something funky.




[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

Epilogue, Prologue
ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

*"No," he argues: *Watch out for useless dialogue tags. "No" is an argument in itself, no further explanation is required. One need not stray from "he said," "she said" nearly as often as one might think.

*“Ever feel like—well, it feels weird ’cause we’re walking where people have walked who have long since died”: *Well-written, but perhaps too much so. The first half of this sentence sounds like the voice of an eleven year-old, the second half like that of a thirty five year-old.  Also be mindful of expository dialogue--- when a character says something that sounds less directed at the other character and more toward the audience, your reader will often pick up on that, breaking the immersion.

It seems to me, given the topic of discussion between these two young individuals, that they should have been (revealed to be) teenagers. I was of the impression they were much younger, playing tag or whatever, fall on the grass and start discussing philosophy and existentialism. True there are children capable of this, but there was not enough to establish that these might have been among them, and not just a pair of unrealistically-written children.

The story takes a different, shall I say poetic turn at the end. The focus is taken from these two characters and onto a slew of people of the past. It was flowery, and a little difficult to follow, and I found myself wondering how this was going to tie back in with our young couple, yet it continues only with one of these new characters as an old man, pondering his memories.

There is material here for a good piece--- imagination and heart--- I'm just not sure if this particular contest allows you the space to properly deliver it. 


Armature
InkwellMachine

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

In the first few paragraphs, you do a fantastic job developing a character we can all relate to... if only by association. I didn't even need to be told she hated to wear makeup to believe that she did. I see someone so incredibly creepy... but so gentle.

Halfway through, the only thing I find jarring about the prose, and this is purely taste--- I'm sure I've mentioned it to you before--- the "ands" and "ors" when all you really need are the commas they follow. I think it sets a better atmosphere, especially for your kind of writing.

So I sort of had to read your tactics to figure out what was going on: the fact that you keep mentioning that the hide came from _something _but not saying what it is and "blood seeping from her bare muscles" I suppose means she took her own skin off? Not certain. At first, I'd thought the weakest element of this piece was the lack of exposition, now I feel you would have had a greater effect using show alone. 

It started strong, your idea and execution were definitely there, but the effect was hindered by the sketchiness. Personally, I would have stayed out of her head (I think), found a way to tell this story entirely through the reader's interpretation of what you show them.


rockoo315

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 9*

*I said in a harsh but sarcastic tone:* ?

*"...I met the she devil, also known as your wife...": *Yeah, I picked up on that already. And why do they keep calling her that? It seems forced. I get it: they don't like her.

*Maybe to some degree he was right: *This is something to just start taking into consideration after ten days. But ten years?

*he exclaimed:* did he?

Speaking of ten years, he still calls the guy "Big Mike"? I don't know. "Mike" alone would sound, if not more realistic, more personal for the reader, if you are trying to establish a warm relationship in such a short time.

*...and allowing a starry sky to be its backdrop:* Nails on a chalkboard.

*Coming out of the Fjord... the Northern Lights made an appearance:* Redundant. And "the Northern Lights appeared" is preferable. "Make an appearance" is too passive for the impact you seem to be trying to make.

I would do away with the last line.

Also note that words like "literally" will nine times out of ten provide the opposite effect you are trying to establish. Using it twice in this short a span is especially off-putting, and the story, being so short, is dominated by that negativity.


Unfinished
thepancreas11

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

*“Look alive, Gary. We’ve got another one.”: *It is usually a good decision to cut straight to the action in so short a story. This opening line did well to set a mood and engage the reader.

*I put down my crossword puzzle, the last three blocks laid bare with pen marks in each, the answers on the tip of my tongue: *This is a good sentence, but the last two phrases (the last...each/the answers... tongue) strike me as redundant. Describing that there are pen marks in the as yet unanswered blocks shows me that Gary is feverishly considering the answer, having gone over them with his pen. It is to be assumed then that the answers are probably close.

Looking back, I may have misunderstood. Is what you meant "bare _of _pen marks" instead of "bare _with_ pen marks"--- as in, there are no answers but there are pen marks, representing that the pen has touched the blocks but not written anything? Or there is nothing in the boxes at all? Well, perhaps I got us both thinking.

I find the dialogue in this piece very smooth and realistic, and runs nicely with the action, even action as simple as walking from one room to another. Writing this well-crafted can make even the simplest of things enjoyable.

*"Suicide?" "Drowning.":* I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I like how Kevin coldly answers Gary's question without answering Gary's question.

*I don’t know what he’s going to do with a drowning victim, to be honest: *The possible implications drawn from little lines like this add layers of depth to the characters.

*Kevin finishes his own ritual: *I would find a more substantial adjective (little, petty) or just cut the word.

This was excellent. The strength is obviously in the characterization. From the perspective of a more weathered and apathetic man, we look across to a man who never stops caring, wondering which is preferable to this line of work. It is for this reason that I would not have changed Gary in the end: keep him apathetic, and keep us asking ourselves that question.

The weakest element of the story was the lack of atmosphere, but you probably just ran out of room after the superb characterization. I would have gone into more description of the body and the room in which it lies, perhaps instead of the arrangement of their tools (which seemed superfluous in that it provided no contrast between Gary and Kevin, and most of us will already assume a coroner is going to be neat).

The expository dialogue at the end was laid on a tad thick, but I did like the full-circle crossword-puzzle element.

Your consideration to character dynamic is an example to all.


The Lessons
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 8*

The part of a story you least want to be a mess is the opening paragraph; your opening paragraph is a mess.

*“Repeat the lesson,” He demanded of the cloaked youth: *Why are you describing the guy we're not even focused on yet?

*Both figures draped in the black robes of their profession, the youth...: *Yes it's worded nice, but you already said the youth was in a robe. You begin the sentence with "both" even though the sentence is focused on the youth.

One solution you might consider is:

_"Repeat the lesson," [name] demanded._

_The youth pulled back his hood to speak. _

I have cut out a lot, yet still the same is being said. Instead of jumping through hoops to let us know the youth is in a hooded robe, we know he is by your showing us that he is pulling his hood back. No matter how nicely you elect to word something, if it is not needed, it will only hurt the narrative.

*a barely worn path: *Are you saying that the path was clearly there because the path itself was barely worn out, or the path was barely there because the ground was barely worn out?

*Answered the student dutifully to step around a chunk:* Eh?

I have a problem with the dialogue. The student sounds like every answer he gives is an answer he had rehearsed and delivers with cold academia. At first, I thought this was intentional, but I feel the same even when the student is giving an opinion or asking a question. The exchange between these two is very dry.

I think you need to take a step back and decide through whose perspective this story is being told. In the very same sentence as one guy sits down, the other is asking a question. In the same sentence as both men are being described, one of them takes action. Either focus on one character at a time, or take a separate paragraph to describe what they are wearing or carrying.

Example:

*The teacher sat down on it and let out a sigh as the pupil asked, “Why come the whole way out here?”*

Write as you like; this style will turn many people off who may otherwise enjoy what you have to say.

*...the nape of his neck; their icy grip:* Do your best to save cliches for dialogue--- they are more tolerable there.

*As the young man yelped in terror, he stumbled backwards: *Do we really need another "as" sentence for a moment of "terror"? And note that there is a difference between being terrified and being startled.

*Though her fingers were thin, their icy grip dug into his throat:* What happened between A and B? Did he stumble backward and she crawled on top of him? There's a void there.

*“And that's enough,” The teacher said with a laugh: *The one sample of true characterization I was able to draw from these two is that the teacher is not the laughing kind of guy... now he's laughing.

*His limb connected, sending the woman tumbling backwards: *If you say "the woman tumbled backwards," you don't need to say that the limb connected. That's the sort of wording I would imagine coming from a sports announcer.

*“Remember, mood and tone. You're going to have to deal with her now that she's introduced herself,” sighed the teacher returning to the log: *Did he really _sigh_ all that?

So clearly I had a lot to say about this piece, and not a lot of it positive. Fortunately, I know the way for you to improve:

Try writing...

Without any dialogue tags at all...

Without using the word "as"...

With simple sentences: no commas. Let your writing sound like a bullet list.

At first, it is going to seem ugly. But I promise you, if you perform this exercise, you will start to see a clarity come to your regular writing, and a greater power to your ability to express yourself.


Another Saturday Night in the City of the Dead and Dying
InstituteMan

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Total: 17*

*The sun impaled itself on the spire below while the couple sitting atop the tomb held hands:* I am having BIG problems trying to picture what you're describing.

*The blond haired girl watched the sun slip away: *I still can't figure out what the sun's slipping into.

*The girl looked at him then: *I already assumed your narrative was chronological. No need for words like "then" in cases like these.

*She laughed as she spoke, though:* How about "She laughed"? Anything more is making it sound like you're writing for a child. And even a child doesn't need that degree of condescension.

*...caressing her loose hair with his hand: *Hands usually are the preferred tool with which to caress; you do not need the extra words to remind us.

As a brief aside, I'm not sure if this is the default font of whichever writing program you use. If it is not, I would like you to stick with what is (probably Times New Roman) as most of the other contestants do. Altering the font to anything other than the most basic norm will not garner you the attention you want from a publisher. And for me, it makes it more difficult to work with transferring from the net to MS Word back to the net. But if this is your default font for whatever program you use, disregard this message; I'll suffer through it.

*They both thought about her parents: *If you must hijack the minds of two people at once (though I think a story like this would be more effective if you chose one and stuck with it), make it its own paragraph.

*The crickets began their evening serenade there amongst the graves: *My God... this sentence would have sounded so amazing without that word (I also _might _(note the emphasis) have stuck with "among" to prevent the reader from thinking I'm trying to hard).

*He kissed her on the forehead:* To kiss someone "on the" forehead is something a parent does. To kiss someone's forehead is something a love interest might do. See, the removal of just a few words can add or take away the intimacy you may (or may not) be looking for.

*They breathed the heavy night air they shared with the dead of the hilltop*: Great line.

*“Whoever that is.”:* I see you're trying to be clever and that's fine, but I think "Whoever we are" would have been a lot better.

*Eventually his throat didn’t burn quite so much:* I would have preferred, "when his throat stopped burning, he said/turned to her/ uttered..."

If he spent all summer to pay for a plane ticket to college, how is he paying for college? And how is he gonna get back? See, it's easy to throw a little line in there to make us all see how much of a wonderful hard worker your boy is, but do put consideration into it. Readers don't like table scraps.

*Perhaps she was dying, but she had lived:* "She" being... his mother, or her? I'm assuming her?

All flaws aside, the core of this story is solid, and I actually enjoyed it very much. It was intensely atmospheric and effective in the underlying philosophy shared between the two young lovers: an age-old philosophy, to be sure and arguably inarguable, but presented smoothly (although reinforcing it in one of the last sentences took away the subtlety a bit). You gave me a satisfying story in very few words complete with a beginning and an end. I needed little more. Of course, if I had more, I would have gobbled it whole.


Boring Old Space Tomb
Patrick C. Bishop

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

Excellent description in the first paragraph. In movies and games, it is so easy to produce a sound effect so easily forgotten when writing. The only thing I would consider, and I'm not so sure that what you have isn't perfect, maybe it could have been the sigh which you describe as having that effect, and then she speaks? Just a thought that popped in my head.

*His voice spoke:* Even his voice has a voice? I guess I can see why they made him captain then, damn.

*...claw his crowbar...: *It's not technically wrong, but I can't help wondering, what if it were a claw he was using? Would he be clawing his claw? I guess I don't like claw as an adjective. Just a personal peeve.  

*...to fit some alien creature smaller than a human: *This rubbed me wrong, and I can't help but feel you had some reservation with it yourself. Smaller than an average human? But that almost seems superfluous. There's really no limit to how small a human could be. You could have said a "child-sized alien." I don't think the reader would have confused it for an alien child. Another small potato for me.

*“We’re not robbing the graves, we’re just here for the computer core”:* TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE AND NOT TO THE OTHER CHARACTER ALERT! You sci-fi writers and your expository dialogue. This one's not all that bad though, I just love throwing darts at you guys. You'll learn one day that fantasy is the one true bastion of fiction.

*They violated this poor race’s religious beliefs:* The dialogue is getting a tad generic though. "Race's"? I would think "creature" or "soul." Maybe it's "poor" that's bothering me, I don't know.

*Mel stared up the seemingly unending spiral:* It seems to me you added this line because you weren't satisfied with your initial description of how large the room was ("pods lining its tall walls to the top"). I was not satisfied with that description either, but I do not believe that continuing the description when the focus is moving on to Mel works either.

Mel goes on a lot about how she wants to respect the dead, and the others go on a lot about how they don't care. It starts to make them seem like actors who each want to draw the audience's attention to how fleshed-out their characters are.

*Mel’s lips cracked into a smile and held back any audible laugh at the Captain’s sarcastic tone: *Cliche. And we can deduce at what it is Mel is trying not to laugh at. We were also able to deduce that the captain was in fact being sarcastic (or at least facetious). I also think the line "Don't sweet talk me, captain..." should have directly followed this sentence, then go on to describe what she is doing with the computer (instead of going back to her keeping a straight face, which you already implied).

*This is the glorious part of being a salvager, beating the archeologists to the find*!: I find stuck in my head a Disney song that hasn't even been made yet.

I also find a very interesting connection between your piece and the one produced by thepancreas11 (which I recommend your checking out). You both have a similar premise in characterization. Some of your weaknesses were his strengths, and vise versa. What I would have liked to see more from you was depth in characterization, where I wanted more atmosphere from him. You've got some atmosphere here, mostly in your futuristic descriptions which established a fine setting, but I felt it left you limited for room in character development, and what you had was often repetition.

I do appreciate that you have the discipline to present something exotic without giving into the compulsion to justify it. That is a strength you have among sci-fi writers, and I hope it carries over to where you are not limited to 600 words. Some things need to be explained, some things just are. Continue to practice that, and make room for your characters.


Saturday Night in the City of the Dead
EmmaSohan

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 10*

*"I'll go first":* The timing of this line was good, and a little funny.

*"We don't have all the time in the world":* Why say this for any reason other than to set the other character up for the obvious response?

This started to get really confusing and difficult to read when the third character jumped in. When the fourth came along, I stopped bothering to pay attention to who was saying what. Honestly, in 600 words, am I going to tell four names apart with no character description? It's one thing if you travel from one character to another (which would still seem sporadic with this format), but to keep going back to the first and second guy? Irking.

*"The never-really-explored-myself trope. It's relatively rare":*  I have to disagree with Nate.

Considering the narrative style, there's not a heap to talk about here. I don't recommend the style. I see why you threw in so many characters, but I feel it could have been done more fluidly. There's a depth here, but it is obscured. You're trying to say something by "it's not too late to change," but I feel I need to know more about what is going on here (that being, I suppose, the story's take on death) to begin to understand what that means. In life it's never too late, but they're dead, but sort of alive, but in no position to do much with themselves, so will they ever move on?

See, I don't know enough to really be effected by what is being said.


Passing On
Euripides

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

I like how you present the story. There are a few alterations I would have made with the prose, but it really is well-written and intriguing.

*...while the religious struggle to comprehend the afterlife isn’t at all like what they are taught in their books:* And their flash fiction--- ZING!

*I felt the tug in my chest that always let me know when she was near:* This introduction is a touch sporadic, and the pronoun game is getting old.

*"...gives me a start almost every time”:* "Almost" does a lot to make this sentence sound unrealistic. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH COLLOQUIALISMS!

*“Harry, I heard the Collection Agency is coming for you tonight, and they aren’t going to lengthen your contract anymore”:* If Susan truly is concerned over this, it doesn't seem natural for her to draw out the explanation so much (talking to the audience and not to the character syndrome comes to mind). Just get rid of the last part (about the contract).

*“I’m going to pass on my contract. If I can get him to take the remaining contract time before it’s officially terminated, he only has to work off the portion from when he accepts, and hopefully, I get stuck in system red tape until he finishes. Since it’s Saturday, the Agency can’t officially terminate ‘til Monday”: *I thought this explanation was despicably long and inappropriately complicated when it was only halfway through.

You're right... my "books" do give me the impression of an afterlife that's a little more... organized.

This was excellently-written. Your prose is truly exceptional with a few easily-removable flaws chalked along the surface. It was a little confusing, not a great deal of character development, and when the story ended with its little revelation I sort of said to myself "Oh okay, it's one of those deals." All-in-all, I think you had potential, as you certainly have the talent, for a heavier story.


Saturday Night Cinema
J Anfinson

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

*Just a typical Saturday night for this place:* The sentences this one follows did well enough to establish atmosphere. When I hear one thing going on in one place and another similar thing going on in another place, I can deduce, as most readers can, that this is relatively normal.


*I looked up slightly from the pavement in front of my shoes, enough to give her a shrug: *You don't need to raise your head at all to give someone a shrug.

*I noticed her brush them behind her ear: *If you're describing it to me, of course you noticed it. Are you saying that your head was up just enough to catch it with the corner of your ever-watchful eye? Well, good for you. I don't think the extra words are necessary.

*Dim white light spilled through the eye of the device: *The projector? Why was it dim? If it was dim, would it really appear to "spill"? Wouldn't it be hard to see the projection with a dim light (though maybe before the movie starts, it's dim, but what's the point of that)? I don't attend theaters often, so there could easily be something I'm not seeing. It just made me suspicious that you threw that word in for atmosphere without thinking. Happens. I wasn't sure.

*“…the same as always”:* That was funny.

*“Goddam it!” A fat man in the front row got up and stalked out: *That was also funny.

*...he’d be back: *3 for 3, very good.

*A blonde haired girl, no older than twenty sat on the bed:* Find the missing comma.

*She had the barrel of a revolver jammed between her teeth: *I would word this in the traditional way: shoved in her mouth. This just makes me picture a gap between her incisors that would make Strahan jealous.

*Abbey unconsciously stroked the side of her head that had been crushed when she leapt from the cliff:* You mean when she landed? *Giggle giggle*

*Watching the screen and seeing not only the people around us, but ourselves: *I'll center the conclusion of my review around this line...

I think there's a lot more you could have done with that line. _Implying_ that it would soon be their turn to watch their own deaths would have been more effective to me. There is so much going on in this story that could have been activated by a powerful closing line.

The story gets the imagination going: Why are these people here? Because they all committed suicide? What is going to happen to them? Do they have to be here? Who is putting them through this and why? Is there hope for them? Are things going to get better, worse, stay the same? These questions do not need to be answered--- it is because they are not that the story is made so scary. But it's missing something. What exactly (less turning this into a novel) I'm afraid I do not know. But I know where you can start looking--- that closing line.


Saturday Night In The City Of The Dead (Or Bad Joke Blues)
Bazz Cargo

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

Very cute. Simple, light-hearted. A relief, I might say, from the heavy dark this prompt brought forth. I think you predicted that, and that we judges would all need a little comfort. For that, I thank you.

...Just wish you would have used the space you had to show us the Viking afterlife you teased. I mean goodness.


Apple Zombies
Godofwine

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 11*

*...cold, dazed, distant eyes*: Pick two.

Watch the expository dialogue: characters often seem like they are talking to me and not to each other, preaching, in fact.

I've seen fanboys for many mediums, can't say I've actually seen an all-out flame war between Apple and Mac that did not take place on a forum. Interesting.  

The reference to Christians and the Bible ruined the subtlety--- if a stab at religious zealotry was in fact what you were going for. If it was, there were smarter hints you could have given.

Your last sentence was run-on: your only grammatical flaw.


Empire's End
Ibb

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Total: 11*

I like the title.

When I first read "She came down the hill," I pictured a girl running. I pictured a beautiful day. I pictured something happy. Then when Markus said "What happened?" I'm thinking, why does he think something happened. I had to readjust my mood when Alicia sits despondently. Maybe this was my own predisposition, but I usually don't conjure happiness by default. You may want to consider emphasizing that she is not running.

*He dropped his hands, staring suddenly ahead: *As a school security guard, I see a lot of the same students straying from class and wandering the halls, acting obnoxious in places they don't belong, making things difficult. "Suddenly" is one of those children. Watch out for it.

*“Markus!” but he was already...:* Start a new paragraph at "but".

*Lydia Reyes knew darkness was coming: *Who?

*...and Marshall, gentle towards his daughter: *Who the hell is Marshall and who the hell is his daughter? Lydia?

*realizing her there for his son: *Eh?

Yeah, bit of a botched paragraph. I hope it wasn't too important.

And the next one is even more confusing.

Is Markus her brother?

From whose perspective is this taking place? I'm with Alicia by the car, then I'm in the head of someone named Lydia, then Markus is talking to someone. Is that a flashback, or is Markus up the hill?

*From his bedroom, Marshall Carlton, wasted and withering, stared into the ceiling as his son shouted for him. He waited until the last curses were uttered and the door was closed and his son had gone away: *Pronouns, dude: who's bedroom? Marshall's? We're in his perspective now? Who is whose son?

*It was to be a beautiful evening:* I guess we'll find out in the very next sentence, won't we?

*...seized by a sudden lurch of sobs: *Sounds like quite a campaign from the mighty sob army. They even brought that pesky word with them.

*Night fell in waves:* ?

Seemed sad, but I was too busy trying to make sense of everything. Many of the questions I asked I could answer on my own after going back a couple of times, but that wouldn't have been necessary had you just cut some of the flowers and laid things out more bluntly. Stories where people are dying and crying under evening skies is not the place for things like "seized by a sudden lurch of sobs." A lot of the writing here made me feel like I was floating on a cloud, which by all means there is definitely a time and place for and you do it quite well, but again, not in a story like this. Just my opinion.

Pristine grammar kept you above the halfway mark. Thank yourself for proofreading.


Orphans
Guy Faukes

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
*Total: 17*

I'm trying to visualize this geological oddity: you speak of an asteroid creating a pass, then talk about a "resulting" tunnel. Resulting from what? I'm sure the asteroid didn't make a tunnel, and you even said it made a pass, then a tunnel resulted.

*Alpine water trickled in, deposited minerals, and serrated the limestone passage with millions of stalactites and stalagmites: *I really like this sentence, except for "stalactites and mites." I can't blame you because the English language invented a horridly unromantic word, and I couldn't technically fault you for leaving it. But I think if you just stick with the key words "minerals" and "serrated", the reader will be smart enough to see what you are talking about.

*Tonight, I bury my father nearly ten years after his death:* Again, nothing technically wrong here, but one pet peeve of mine is how specific certain writers need to be to show how not specific they are being. Why not just say ten years? If it were to the day, we know you would say "to the day." Just my opinion.

*...a sordid reminder the shame of when we fled our own land:* "A shameful reminder of when we fled our own land." Also note that the missing "of" was your only grammatical mistake. I'm liberal with grammar, but typos and missing words always lose a point. I went back to see if I could find a justification. I didn't want to take that point from you.

*By that point, their thinned ranks were filled with old men and children: *By that point, their ranks had thinned to old men and children.

*I remember being ushered past a uniformed soldier: *How else would you know he's a soldier? Also, he's wearing a helmet, so I assume the rest is there. Unless you mean a special uniform. Officer? Specify, or delete. I would delete.

*What value lies in a tradition that leaves its people inept in a foreign land with empty bellies?: *Now there's a good line.

*I ended up burying her under a shrub by the side of the road, so far away from this place: *I read this sentence a few times to learn why you might have felt "so" belonged there. That isn't sarcasm, I really wanted to know. If I understand the sentence right, I'm sure I do, the sentence would be much better without it.

*I wish she could’ve seen...: *Why the contraction all of a sudden? But this turned out to be an excellent sentence nonetheless.

This was remarkable.

There were many little things that irked me in the prose, but I gave you a perfect score for voice because these little things failed to add up against the powerful atmosphere and tone of this story. There was a consistency to your character's voice, a cold regret with this unwavering determination. I felt for him, and for all the "orphans" he brought into the story with him, who seemed to stand alongside him with the delivery of that line. It was tragic, but hopeful. You walked the line between boring and bitching with nary a teeter. I felt this man's determination, every sentence growing more powerful to the end. There was so much character in it; I could really go on. A breathtaking piece of atmosphere.

Try to stick with Times New Roman, unless this is the default font of whatever writing program you use.

Just Another Saturday Night
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

Good opening sentence: I think "from the radio to his walls" would have been clearer, or at least "from" the radio instead of "on" the radio.

Usually I flip out to see a paragraph begin with "and", but you actually made it work.
*
...the second hand made its way around like a slow moving scythe harvesting minutes off the day:* This seems like a sentiment more akin to one whose time is running out. Sherif Tapdatass is waiting for his time to leave.
*
like black, soulless eyes:* Yee ever see a shark's eyes, captain?

*...the arc sodium lights cast a jaundice shade across the waxy finish:* That was good.

*One wore a gorilla mask, the other a ski mask and low set Red Sox cap and held a brickbat in his right hand: *You had me at "Red Sox cap".

*Donald froze as they rushed the bank:* You mean credit union *giggle*

*...with a deafening crash:* Was it really that loud? And from where Donald was sitting?

*“Freeze!” he shouted:* Wasn't he in his office? When did he leave?

*watched as a crater formed in the man’s chest:* This wording makes it sound like a crater is magically appearing slowly. Nobody is "watching" as a gunshot "forms". That shit is _there_.

A vomit of gore, huh? I think you can do better than that.

*Gorilla-mask sprang back up. He fired off a quick shot, getting lucky and seeing the man drop from the impact:* Watch. Those. Pronouns. ESPECIALLY in action scenes. I thought "he" meant Gorilla-mask, and didn't realize that Gorilla-mask was ever down until Donny picked up the phone and everything's fine. I'm asking myself "isn't the other guy still around? And aren't you injured?" It was only then that I went back.

*He looked out as headlights swept past the windows and a dark sedan  pulled into the credit union lot and sat with the engine running:* So is someone else about to try and rob the place? Hereeee we go again! But can't they see the carnage? Gives me an idea...

I think this would have been more effective had it turned out, perhaps in some subtle way, that the action scene actually happened in Donald's head. Then, you actually could have gone back and made the scene crazier, perhaps almost comically, in such a way that the reader isn't laughing at the time, but goes back after the twist and realizes how funny it is that the cop actually thought of this. Just a thought.





[/spoiler2]


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## Pluralized (Dec 4, 2014)

Congratulations, Guy F! And thanks Fin, we are going to miss your superb presentation.

I'd like to congratulate the runners-up, and thank the other judges. Look at the consistency! I'm so proud. Great job guys.


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## J Anfinson (Dec 4, 2014)

Excellent critique. I was completely lost at the ending. Most of the story came out fast and furious, but as it came to the end I began to doubt it was right. I'll work on it because I like this one.

Folcro: Funny you should mention turning this into a novel. Abbey is a character in the novel I'm working on. I'm not sure if this story is related, but for some reason she wanted to be in it.

And congrats to the winner.


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## Bishop (Dec 4, 2014)

Great crits guys, thanks! I think a couple of you mentioned it seemed like a piece to a bigger work, and while it's not, the characters are actually three of the main cast of my novel series. So some of that sense probably came from that. And it should be mentioned, anything I've written that's sci-fi all stems from the same universe as all of my novels--which might hinder me a bit, but I love my universe. It's awesome. They know me there.

Also, for everyone keeping score, "His voice spoke" was supposed to be "his voice broke". I blame... autocorrect. Yeah, that's it. I didn't do anything wrong, it was technology's fault!

Also, folcro said:



> You'll learn one day that fantasy is the one true bastion of fiction.












Thanks again to all the judges, our Fin, and to all the competitors, and of course... congrats to the winners!


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## Folcro (Dec 4, 2014)

Congratulations to all, and a truly well-deserved win for Guy Faukes, a spectacular little story.

As always, any further thoughts, concerns, questions, feel free to PM.


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## Guy Faukes (Dec 4, 2014)

I did not expecting this when I logged in today. Now, if anyone asks "does judging LM actually help my writing?" just point to this. Reading and analyzing the structure and presentation of others definitely helped both my voice and how I structure shorts. 

Thank you to the judges for their excellent critiques and to Fin for the enormous effort putting this together. 

*Jon M* - You are right, it was mostly in his head, which bugged me too. There were other scenes where he interacts with his fellows and carves the headstone, but it didn't make it in. Thank you for the kind critique, Jon. I will expand and consider submitting it somewhere.


*TerryD* -  Yes, an asteroid would've just made a smoking crater, not bore a hole two kilometers straight into it. *Cough* The inaccuracy is because it was a folktale, passed on but not yet verified (yes, that's it... good cover up, Guy...) 

Yeah, there were some odd bits that could've been polished out. There was actually a power outage and some running around that day, so I submitted it earlier than I wanted to. 
Thank you for the excellent criticism and generous compliments. 


*Pluralized* - You're right, it doesn't have that hook to reel the reader in. I was wondering if textured writing alone act as a substitute while writing this. I still do not know. 
And I will rein in those unlawful commas and blips here and there. Thank you, Pluralized, for the encouragement and constructive criticisms. 
*

Folcro *- there's a sort of tension before reading your critiques that's probably the equivalent to being "Ramsey-ed" as a chef; you know there's going to be a lot of sharp insights that are not going to be sugarcoated; it's why I enjoy your perspective. One can grow a lot by such directness.  

-I definitely had a brain fart with that passes/tunnels thing... wow...
-Agreed, stalactite and mites are not pretty words. I checked thesauruses and pondered a good while before reluctantly adding them in. I really just couldn't think of any alternatives.  
-I agree with your corrections/suggestions. They're probably because of being overly technical or willy nilly with prose. 
-*I ended up burying her under a shrub by the side of the road, so far away from this place -* I added "so" to really illustrate his mourning for her. He's carrying on the practices she valued but she's in some cold ditch somewhere with only memories of his son rebelling against her. If you drop "so", it does make the sentence more tonally consistent, however... hmm...
-I'm really glad that you could connect with this piece and discern it's layers. There were many lines of inspiration and several drafts that managed to contribute to this piece. 
-"You walked the line between boring and bitching with nary a teeter" :-k... :razz: Yeah, there's a certain angst to this piece, which is normally irritating to judge. I think it works here because it's genuine and earnest. 
-Thank you, Folcro, for the insights and compliments. It means a lot coming from a literary specialist of your caliber.


Thanks again to the judges and Fin, and congrats to Euripedes, thepancreas11 and InkwellMachine. I can't wait to watch the death match for third, but for now, I gotta step outside before this all goes to my head


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## bazz cargo (Dec 4, 2014)

Folcro, Pluralized, Terry D and Jon M

 Thanks to the judging team.

 With much appreciation, Fin.  

 Applause for Guy Faukes, Euripides and Pancy and Inky.  

 Unbelievably high quality this round, I was embarrassed to be playing in the sand pit with my feeble joke. Everyone who entered is a winner in my eyes.  

 I kind of feel there is a kernel of an idea here that might one day sprout into something. Bad puns not included. And yes, I saw the prompt and figured there would be very few fun interpretations.   
 Thanks for the kind words.


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## InstituteMan (Dec 4, 2014)

A huge congratulations to Guy Fawkes on a deserved victory. An even huger thank you to the judges for taking on a tough competition with mastery. The critiques and comments this month are particularly helpful, which is saying something given the. Normally high bar.


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## thepancreas11 (Dec 6, 2014)

Well, Guy, I had one of those moments, reading your story, realizing that I had lost to yet another well-written story, and that happened before any of the judging came out. My only hope for victory lay with biased, inexperienced, or loathsome judging, but alas, did you see the plate of judges served at this month's competition? Could there be a better set of judges assembled? Perhaps equaled, but never bested. I hung my head and said a quiet, "Touche, Guy. Touche." Then, I raised my glass to you, full of hot cocoa because that's what I had at the time, and drank in your honor.

I promptly burned the roof of my mouth.

Congrats to all, as always.


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## Euripides (Dec 7, 2014)

Congrats to GuyF! It was a really good story. Tough competition! I really enjoyed many of the stories.

Thanks to the judges for taking your time to critique these, it would be overwhelming to me.

And Fin for organizing/moderating these.

These really help for refining and tightening language, considering my first draft was over 750 words......there was a LOT of cutting and rephrasing to be done.

I really enjoyed this prompt. A whole 'world' popped into my head while writing this one. And now....to go off and write about the 24/7 disco party that is Heaven.


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## Guy Faukes (Dec 7, 2014)

thepancreas11 said:


> My only hope for victory lay with biased, inexperienced, or loathsome judging, but alas, did you see the plate of judges served at this month's competition? Could there be a better set of judges assembled? Perhaps equaled, but never bested.



It was an exceptionally seasoned panel of judges this round, which made this even more unexpected.

Seriously, I was about to open the PM from Fin and thought, "I didn't know you got awards for second or third place" XD

Anyways, you're a bigger organ than I am, thepancreas11. Cheers, :coffee:


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## escorial (Dec 7, 2014)

well done man


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## Ephemeral_One (Dec 7, 2014)

Thank you for all the feedback. Suppose one shouldn't submit writing done while only having six hours of sleep in 72 but it seemed a good idea at the time.


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## Firemajic (Dec 8, 2014)

Congratulations Guy Faukes! What a cool read. I really loved all the entries. Top notch writing! Inkwell Machine--you blew my mind--loved it. Peace always...Julia


Oh--To the judges--you guys are awesome--you really had a tough job...


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## InkwellMachine (Dec 9, 2014)

Normally I go through and respond to all of my critiques. Time's been tight, though. Got a lot on my plate between school and writing. So I feel crummy about this, but until I have the time, here's my condensed response:

The consensus seems to be that the story kept the reader at an uncomfortable distance to rev up the _big reveal _at the end, which was not really so big. I'll admit, it was a cheap shot, and I'm glad I got a relatively low score from most of the judges. This isn't the sort of story I aspire to write at all. I'm more than a little disappointed by it. Technically, it's fine. Some of the visuals are even pretty good. But the story-telling itself is just... well, I'll put my opinion of it this way: I think it could have a home somewhere on the Creepypasta wiki, which is a notion that--ironically--makes my skin crawl.

Anyway, thanks for enduring. I'll try and give you better stuff from here on out. Just been lazy with my submissions here lately, I suppose. So much to do outside the forums that I've kinda been participating in these things with half a heart, which is odd because I do care about your opinions and giving you quality work to critique.

As always, much love and appreciation to the judges and to Fin, who will be leaving us soon. I will miss you. You've done good work.


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