# 09/28/07 | Scores



## valeca (Oct 13, 2007)

And here they are!  Your scores!

Please don't forget to thank your judges for this round.  Lost, Jii, Foxee and Hawke.

The judges chose the entry they thought was the funniest.

Scoring is as follows (in no particular order):




*Judge:  Lost in Some Story*
_I based my scores on four categories: Tone, Emotional Effectiveness (how funny it was), Originality, and Imagery. I ignored things like rhyme scheme and meter because it wouldn't be fair since I suck at that myself. _

*Surprise Package: by vangoghsear: 16*
Can’t get the skid-mark out of my head! Thanks vangoghsear. This was funny. I especially liked the line about the balloons in each C Cup. I thought the last verse didn’t do the rest of the song justice. It seemed to sort of trail off with a whimper. The rest of it was superb. 

*My Baby's So Cold: by Pete_C: 16.5*
You are one sick puppy Pete. I loved it. What does that say about me? This was just all sorts of clever. Original? Definitely. I’ve never heard a song about a girlfriend kept in the freezer. Good stuff. 

*Innit: by Louou: 17*
I read this three times before I understood it. Once I got the voice of the character in my head, however, I couldn’t erase it. This was the only song I could actually _hear _when I read it. It reminded me of a Sacha Baron Cohen sketch. It gets funnier every time I read it. Fantastic commitment to character. 

*She Was A Man: by Matthatter: 14 *
The idea for this clever and funny. However, I found some of the phrases to be a bit forced and cliche, which was your downfall. As far as originality goes, I can turn on any Jerry Springer show and find the same story. It was good, just needed a little more time for cutting and editing. 

*You Dumped Me For My Brother: 13*
The premise for this song reminds me of a Jimmy Hendrix song, _Red House_. Sappy and sad but funny. Good premise. The spelling and the missing words were your downfall in this one. 

*Untitled: by Charlie Eleanor: 15.5*
Original and clever. A story about a man who has a vasectomy just for the purpose of catching his girlfriend cheating? Damn, that’s harsh. I wish there were more details and less repetition, because I thought this was really funny. A title would have been helpful too. 

*Get Out of My Box: smilinghelps: 19*
Fantastic, original, funny. The characters are fresh and their voices are fun. Each stanza is just alive with something new. The chorus is the funniest part. “The sides stay up and it’s got a roof.” Just rich. 

My pick for _funniest _song: *Innit, by Loulou

****************************************************************


Judge:  Jiieden

*I must say, the humour was largely not to my tastes, and neither was the nature of this particular challenge. Still, that only made the challenge of judging them all the more interesting…

* Vangoghsear:  Surprise Package - 16*

Your song, sir, is ribald. Yet the narrative pitch is even, and the cadence is catchy. The rhythm is unbroken, and the rhymes hold up well under pressure. It satisfies the challenge criteria: it is a well written break up song, and it is humorous. The final verse has its own brand of ironic justice, and it seems to me only fitting that he got to keep the underwear. The line about skid marks made me squirm, once I understood what you meant. In summary, your song should appeal strongly to the lowest common denominator, rhyme, rhyme and verse: you have done very well.

* Pete C:  My Baby’s So Cold - 14
* 
This song is about less of a break up, and more of a break down. It is humorous, but only in the most morbid and sick of ways. Still, I judge it to satisfy both of the challenge criteria, if only tangentially. It stumbles occasionally on the rhythm – for example, the last line of the first verse would run better without the “quickly”. Yet it also has the occasional fit of brilliance: I particularly liked the sound of the line “As I hold up your head by your delicate ears”, as it just fits the mood and rhythm perfectly. The last two lines are excellent. But make no mistake, this is a flawed gem. 

* Loulou – Innit - 17*

This particular judge needs no translation: I also live in the UK. As such, the song probably appeals to me, more than the other judges. But we shall see. This was humorous, of course, and the use of stereotype played well here, as it often does in jokes. However, it did constrain the imagination of the piece: on my first read, I wasn’t surprised to see reference to Burberry, and the title was predictable too (to those who know chavs, at any rate). The lyrics are short and snappy, and are full of colloquialisms that strengthen the narrator’s character. My only significant complaint is that the ending verse was weaker than the penultimate one; a bit of a letdown in an otherwise masterful piss-take.

* Matthatter – She Was a Man - 12
* 
I dared to accuse Loulou of over-reliance on stereotyping; it would be hypocritical to pass in silence over this travesty of genre-humour. I’m not claiming the lyrics were unoriginal; they were well written, in distinctive and amusing style. I enjoyed the familiarity and casual strength of the voice – lines like ‘Dammit-how’d I miss it!?’ are smart exhibitions of Matthatter’s writing skill. The subject matter, however, treads over what must be the most predictable and obvious ‘break-up humour’ possible. What next, a husband cuckolded by a midget? Actually, that would have been better. This piece is well executed, but I cannot recommend it – it was simply too obvious.

* Virtugirl333 – You Dumped Me for My Brother - 5
* 
Is this about a break up? Yes. Is it funny? No. It might be funny in a sort of schadenfreude-way. But I can’t honestly see that you’ve satisfied the criteria of the competition. The language is simplistic and repetitive. You’ve misspelled ‘against’ through carelessness. I don’t mean to suggest that you are a bad writer, but this is a poor submission. You’ve clearly spent a fraction of the time of other contestants. Therefore, I will reward you with a fraction of the points, along with a penalty for forgetting the ‘humorous’ aspect. 

* Charlie Eleanor – Untitled - 12*

This song carries a strong undercurrent of frustration, and it draws strength from that simple emotion. The chorus is extremely simple, but it isn’t without impact. The piece is harmed a little by repetition, but the twist in the third verse (“I never told you, bitch, ‘bout my secret vasectomy”) gives it enough longevity to make it to the end. It has no significant weaknesses – the writing is solid, and it has competent rhythm and rhyme. Yet I am unsatisfied. It checks all the boxes, but it does nothing especially well, and the style is generic. It is about a break-up, but Charlie has yet to find his break-out. 

* Smilinghelps – Get Out of My Box - 19
* 
The polar opposite of the simple, short songs; Smilinghelps reaches for the stars, with high concept and high language, even incorporating a bridge-verse. The piece meets challenge criteria with ease: the bums are breaking up. Lines are unique and carefully written, from the machine metaphors of the first verse to the shorter, dirtier images at the end. The rhythm runs across the spectrum, from long enjambments (“Persuaded me into our journey”) to “beady eyes” – but it never misses a beat. The chorus is amusing, and the chorus repeat refines and perfects it. The tone is elegant, and the style is distinct. However, much as I want to, I cannot quite give this a perfect score. The ambition sometimes stretches beyond the writing: what does the second half of verse two mean? Rhymes, which are good tools for humorous songs, are abandoned in favour of higher intellect, which slightly diminishes the impact of the jokes – for example, in the bridge. Smilinghelps does more than anyone to work for perfection, but he doesn’t _quite _ get there.

* Special mention goes to Loulou - her song was the funniest, for me. *

And congratulations to all who took the effort to compete. This was the hardest challenge I think there has been. Too restrictive, and very different from the usual fare. An experiment, I think, which was not quite successful.

***************************************************


*Judge:  Hawke*

As always, a big thank you to those who entered, and to valeca for running this show. Kudos, all! Hilarious work here. Thank you, each of you. Kudos also goes to vangoghsear for the terrific prompt. 

As always, please remember that the following scores and comments are just my opinion—_one opinion_—and should be taken as such.

All that said, let’s get on with it.
*vangoghsear: Surprise Package - 19
*This was great, vangoghsear. Geez, I could just see him dancing around the room, too. Frightening, in a funny way. You did fit a pattern. Thank you. 
* 
Pete C: My Baby’s So Cold - 18
*The first verse made me bust a gut. The rest made me laugh between the many “Oh geez!” Thank you. 
* 
Loulou: Innit - 16.5
*About the only part that didn’t quite jive right (to my ear) was around the middle of the second verse. Scratch that. I think the accent was on the second to last word in one line, wasn’t it? I mean… Yo. J Thank you.
* 
Matthatter: She Was a Man - 14 
*It didn’t jive in some places I’m afraid. At least it didn’t to me. But it was still funny as heck. Thank you. 
* 
virtugirl333: You Dumped Me for My Brother - 14
*Nits: cold = could (?); I can’t over it! = missing a word I think.
Very cute idea, virtugirl. Thank you. 

*Charlie Eleanor: Untitled - 17 *
Unfortunately when the entries are all this good, everything counts big time, including not having a title. Nice work though! Thank you.
* 
smilinghelps: Get Out Of My Box - 15 
*The knives got me right off the get-go and the gummy grin did the rest. Didn’t jive in some places (to my ear anyway), but it was still a good job. Thank you. 

The funniest song award is so hard to choose, mostly because I tried countless times to read these without hurting myself laughing, and failed miserably. So, since I can’t choose just one, *I choose them all, *and so defer to the other judges.

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*Judge:  Foxee*

Title: *Surprise Package! – Funniest entry in Foxee’s opinion*
  Author: Vangoghsear

It didn’t feel forced and the title and chorus especially I found funny. The eye of my imagination may have gone blind from the imagery, too. The water balloons were a stroke of genius. While I didn’t laugh uproariously, I did find the lyrics to be amusing.

  Score: *16/20*

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  Title: * My Baby’s So Cold *
  Author: Pete C

While this is pretty darned cleverly written I don’t really find it funny. For me you zipped past ‘funny’ and went straight for the gross-out. I can see where it may be funny to other people, though.

  Score: *13/20*

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  Title: *Innit*
  Author: Loulou

Thanks for the glossary or I would have been really lost. As it was I read this with what we’d term a ‘gangbanger’ in mind and I could see where it was going. Good for the (narrator? mc? What do you call the narrator of lyrics anyway?) for having a little self-respect and leaving. As a sort of slice-of-life breakup song it worked but I didn’t really find it funny. Maybe I’m missing too much with the culture difference.

They really wear their tracksuits legs down inside their socks? Why? Here it’s the pants falling off the butt, a wife beater, and their hat worn at a this-is-supposed-to-be-considered-rakish angle.

  Score:*15/20*

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  Title: *She Was a Man*
  Author: Matthatter

Okay, she’s a he…heh. This reminded me too much of the feeling I get from a laugh track on TV. It felt a bit forced and it wasn’t about a breakup so much as a meeting gone wrong, I think. In order to carry this off I think you needed a much, much funnier and stronger chorus and a more creative approach overall.

  Score: *13/20*

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  Title: *You Dumped Me for My Brother*
  Author: virtugirl333

It looks like a well-written lyric and would translate well into music. Unfortunately, I didn’t really see much humor to it. It’s pretty straightforward, no surprises. I think you’re counting too heavily on the idea that people will find leaving for a brother, as opposed to someone else, to be humorous. You need an unexpected twist or angle.

  Score: *13/20*

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  Author: Charlie Eleanor

‘your’ should be ‘you’re’ or ‘you are’. While I thought the ‘secret vasectomy’ idea was amusing, the rest of it strangles that idea for me. There is much here to me that is actively not funny. Other than that it is competently written.

  Score: *12/20*

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  Title: *Get Out of My Box*
  Author: smilinghelps

Homeless jealousy, hm? Creative take on the prompt. The verses seem a bit wordy to make a memorable song, other than that, well written. I especially liked ‘like sparks from an unoiled engine.’

  Score: *16/20

****************************************************

And your winner is:

Smilinghelps!  *With an average score of: 17.25

*Second place*: Vangoghsear, with an average of 16.75

*Third place*: Loulou, with an average of 16.375

Funniest Song Award goes to:

Loulou!


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## Matthatter (Oct 13, 2007)

Congrats Smilinghelps!

Thanks so much judges, for taking the time to read all the entries and give such informative critiques (for mine, at least, I can't speak for the others)! I haven't tried writing many songs so trying this maneuver out, and getting such helpful comments, has been a great experience  Thanks again!


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## smilinghelps (Oct 13, 2007)

Wow!  Thank you so much.  Thank you judges and everyone who entered, even though there were less entries, I thought the competition was tougher in this round.

Congratulations Vangoghsear--you rock with a great song and a great challenge idea and to Loulou--much like Lost, I had to read yours a few times before I "got it" but once I did, by far it was the funniest.

Great fun everyone!  

PS.  I have to admit, I did re-add all of the scores just to be sure--lol!


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## Lost in Some Story (Oct 13, 2007)

Congratulations to smilinghelps, vangoghsear, and Loulou. 

And to everyone who entered: these were a hell of a lot of fun to read.


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## vangoghsear (Oct 13, 2007)

Thanks valeca for organizing and officiating.  

Judges, you did a great job with a tough challenge.  Thoughtful and considerate responses from each of you.  Thanks for your time.

Funny and well constructed lyrics fellow contributers.  Good work from all.  :sunny:


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## Pete_C (Oct 15, 2007)

"one sick puppy"

"It is humorous, but only in the most morbid and sick of ways"

"you zipped past ‘funny’ and went straight for the gross-out"

My work here is done.


Seriously, congrats to Smiling (as well as Van and LouLou). I thought they were all sick; honestly, you people are perverts, there wasn't one slushy sentimental song in there.


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## vangoghsear (Oct 15, 2007)

Pete_C said:


> "one sick puppy"
> 
> "It is humorous, but only in the most morbid and sick of ways"
> 
> ...


True.  We did all take the low road, but I think you got to Scotland before me. :lol:


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## Loulou (Oct 16, 2007)

Thanks judges, that must have been a hard one to judge, it was hard enough coming up with something.  Congrats Smilinghelps and Van and to Loulou who puts the blackmail into funny.


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## virtugirl333 (Oct 17, 2007)

Congrts to all of the winnrs!

Lookng back, I was tryng to make the boy frend sond gay, but I don't think I relly did a good job...


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