# Surrounded



## am_hammy (Jun 27, 2016)

Working on another poem, and took a break with this one after seeing how the sky looked when I got out of work this evening. Might be crap, but it's better to share so I can get better. Hopefully it's not mumbo jumbo lol


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When the sky becomes the sea
and the ground falls beneath me
I breathe in salty tears
cascading down my cheeks
Silently swallowed by an ocean of emotion.


Further down to rest at rock bottom
No where else to go 
the pressure cracks my soul
nothing left to feel
No more sky, no more sea.


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## LeeC (Jun 27, 2016)

I'm not much of a poet, but it's evocative to me. I think without S1L4 and S2L4 though, the impact would be greater. Those two lines drag it down a bit for me. But what do I know ;-)

Nice piece, thanks for sharing.


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## WriteMind (Jun 27, 2016)

LeeC has a good point.

I didn't notice it until he pointed it out.

They seem unnecessary and detract from the poem.

But this is definitely not crap.

I was looking for a way to trim it down more, but I didn't notice anything else.

I like the alliteration and the "ocean of emotion" line the best.


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## am_hammy (Jun 28, 2016)

I thought it over and took the advice. Thanks to you both for reading and suggesting ^_^


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## ned (Jun 28, 2016)

hello - I like it, and with a bit of polish this coild be a really good poem

agree that the last line of the first verse has to go - and some other small changes
would make a difference, I feel.

When the sky becomes the sea = When the sky becomes A (colour) sea, maybe
and used in the ending, might make it stronger.

cascading - is overstating it
Further down - something more evocative then further
soul - needs something fresher

cheers
Ned


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## escorial (Jun 28, 2016)

crap...look for me poetry is about emotion in words..you can keep your layered stuff....you seen the sky and it moved you to create..the poem itself is great and a joy to read but the beauty lies in the person who experienced it and shared it and that for me is poetry that rocks...


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## am_hammy (Jun 28, 2016)

escorial said:


> crap...look for me poetry is about emotion in words..you can keep your layered stuff....you seen the sky and it moved you to create..the poem itself is great and a joy to read but the beauty lies in the person who experienced it and shared it and that for me is poetry that rocks...




I might not always write about how I'm feeling at the moment but I have felt like that at some point in time so I do draw from feelings even if theater immediate. I felt the inspiration so I went with it, which doesn't happen often for me anymore.

 I do very much appreciate your opinion and comment though and I understand where you're coming from so thank you for reading and sharing =)


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## SilverMoon (Jun 28, 2016)

> Originally Posted by *am __hammy*
> 
> I might not always write about how I'm feeling at the moment but I have felt like that at some point in time so I do draw from feelings



So, I'm not the only writer who does their best work in the aftermath of feelings. For instance, unlike many of my favorite poets, I just cannot write when I'm depressed. The feelings are stored in the attic, then dusted off so the left brain can do it's job - ordering.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jun 28, 2016)

This was really good to me! The emotion shone through your poem like a star. Good work! : D


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## -xXx- (Jun 28, 2016)

salt spray runs in rivulets down your cheek?

euphotic
disphotic
aphotic
and how heavy is the dark fluid at those lightless depths?
*hugs*


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## Firemajic (Jun 29, 2016)

Hammmmy Darlin'... You slammed open the emotional gate in your first 2 lines.. you came out swinging your poetic fist! BUT... for me, your end lines were... anticlimactic .... Still, a very good poem, with a poignant message that touched my heart...


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