# As I Lay Dying



## LaughinJim (Jul 20, 2012)

In my youth I played the field
Chased the girls
Drove fast down city streets
And country lanes
Saw the Bobby standing proud
And knocked his 
Helmet off as the boys and I
Drove by

I married but a family didn’t
Grow in our garden
I think it was my fault
She left me and had a son 
With another

And now I am dying
A hired girl brings me soup
My worst fears are that perhaps 
There is a Maker and that He
Won’t forgive me

I want to cry but I’m too old
And too proud
Even though the girl won’t hear
Or care
Or so I think

I hear a voice that says softly
“Pray for forgiveness”
Over and over
I close my eyes and for the first time 
In my life
I pray


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## playingthepianodrunk (Jul 20, 2012)

Could have come up with a better title. Maybe Lament.


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## Firebird (Jul 20, 2012)

The first two lines start with good intent, but after this, for me, the metre, quality of syntax and line brakes don't carry the same force or appropriacy.

Sorry I can't say anything more positive.

Love,

Firebird


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## LaughinJim (Jul 20, 2012)

It's my poem. If I want to borrow a title from a book that I love, then I will do so. Your remark appears as just something to say to get a shot in. If you have anything constructive to say, I will read it with interest as I always do. The comment above is useless and nonsequiter. 'Lament' is a terrible, unimaginative and innaccurate word to describe the scene.

Thank You


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## playingthepianodrunk (Jul 20, 2012)

So is naming it after a book. No need to get so defensive.


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## ElDavido (Jul 20, 2012)

I find the metre too varying to drive the poem onward forcefully, I'm afraid. Also, is there method to omitting any punctuation at each line's end?


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## LaughinJim (Jul 20, 2012)

Hello gang, 

This is free verse, there's not supposed to be a meter.


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## ElDavido (Jul 20, 2012)

In my youth I played the field (7)
Chased the girls (3)
Drove fast down city streets (6)
And country lanes (5)
Saw the Bobby standing proud (7)
And knocked his (3)
Helmet off as the boys and I (8)
Drove by (2)

I think the first stanza is what throws people. Marked above are syllables per line and it does follow a general pattern of 7+/-1 then 3+/-1. Obviously not a tight metre but it does give a vague impression. Often cited as an implicit constraint in free verse is the complete omission of lines with regular metre. Due to the first stanzas approximation to a fixed form the poem seems to jar.


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## LaughinJim (Jul 21, 2012)

ElDavido, 

With all respect, most of my work has structure and definite meter. I post those in structured verse. Those that I write free, I post in this section. Prose poems, I post in prose poetry, and humor, I post there.

You can mark up the poem above with numbers all you want. If I don't count syllables, or lines in stanzas when I write it, then to me, it''s not structured.

What is it on this poetry section with the words 'jars' and 'jarring'? Have you all read the same book of commentary and liked that particular term?


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## ElDavido (Jul 21, 2012)

OK, I'm guessing what you are looking for is not an honest critique so I'll leave you to it. I read English Literature at uni so I'm sure I could muster the effort to find some synonyms for jar but I find it explains your problem very well.


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## LaughinJim (Jul 21, 2012)

It's okay, I forgive you. I didn't realize you were still just learning.


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## ElDavido (Jul 21, 2012)

OK it's hard to give someone the benefit when they are blatantly patronising you. I posted under the assumption that you wanted reasoned criticism from an outside perspective. You have acted belligerently to all those who have offered opinions, suggesting the conclusion that you do not want criticism rather just praise. If this is so you would be best to foreword it as so, so as to prevent this sort of situation.

As to my comments I apologise if you were offended by any but I do not consider them offensive or inflammatory and certainly not deserving of the responses you offered. Finally, I wish to assert that I stand by the literary validity of what I have said.

Good day, sah!


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## LaughinJim (Jul 21, 2012)

No, you are wrong. Read through the thread objectively. The only person I got upset with was playingthepianodrunk because he made a ridiculous comment and obviously didn't know the meaning of the word he suggested as an alternative title.

As for firebird and you, I merely said that there was no intended meter to the poem, a fact that remains true. I also explained that all my work that is structured goes into the proper section. As for my final comment as to the use of a form of the word jar: I must have seen half a dozen people use that very same word to describe perceived flaws in poems. I have have seen it used to describe bumps in smoothness of meter. I have seen it used to describe transitions in imagery. I have seen it used to describe flaws which, as I could see, did not exist. I am not talking about my own work, I am talking the commentary on the works of all the poets and aspiring poets on this site. 

I apologize, but by using that particular term, you indicated to me that you were merely parroting a hackneyed cut used by hyper-critics here. Thus, it was difficult for me not to fire a bolt back.

I don't actually like or need praise. What I prefer is intelligent critique on imagery, word usage and the overall mood that it brings to the reader. The things that you are criticizing, I graduated long ago. My friend, I could turn the above poem into a perfect sonnet in about an hour and still have time to make a cup of tea. Please don't lecture me on meter or rhyme. As I have said, If meter or rhyme were open to critique, it would be in the structured verse section.


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## playingthepianodrunk (Jul 21, 2012)

What a loser. "My friend, I could turn the above poem into a perfect sonnet in about an hour and still have time to make a cup of tea."

"Thus, it was difficult for me not to fire a bolt back." What are you Zeus.

You sound like one of those feminine hygiene products.


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## ElDavido (Jul 21, 2012)

In what way am I wrong? Have I interpreted, 'It's okay, I forgive you. I didn't realize you were still just learning,' wrongly? If you tell me you meant that legitimately and not patronisingly I will give you the benefit of the doubt, but note that University is not some course to learn a skill of writing. I found the assumption that I am merely a novice learning insulting. I think my critical work and writing is relatively competent.

If you look at the responses you have received two out of three mention the tone of your responses. Just something to think about.

As for the language of my criticism it is a better idea to look at the ideas imparted by the words than the form of the word itself. Is the word, 'jar,' used excessively? OK doesn't perturb me overly. One of the unwritten rules of blank verse is to avoid a regular metre because it looks and sounds out of place in an otherwise unrestrained poem. You want to ignore it? O.K. innovation can result in brilliance but as I read it, it doesn't work. 

You don't want, 'lectured'? You don't want discourse? You want criticism you deem worthy? Fine. Keep your,' perfect' poetry.


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## Bachelorette (Jul 21, 2012)

I'm going to have to ask to keep any future posts in this thread* on topic *and that posters *refrain from making personal remarks.


*Thank you.


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## LaughinJim (Jul 22, 2012)

ElDavido,

Blank verse?

Interesting.


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## ElDavido (Jul 22, 2012)

Oh did I say blank instead of free! Why nay, well that invalidates all my points. To think I insinuated you wrote in un-rhymed iambic pentameter. God this is laughable.


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## Squalid Glass (Jul 22, 2012)

I'm gonna ignore the rest of this thread and just provide my critique of the poem. Jim, you can take this or leave it, your call.



LaughinJim said:


> In my youth*,* I played the field *I don't think a cliche is the best way to start here*
> Chased the girls
> Drove fast down city streets *I have to agree about the rhythm here. It's just off compared to the second line. Yes, free verse is not bound to strict meter, but to seperate prose from poetry, there needs to be a sense of rhythm. I don't really see that here.*
> And country lanes
> ...


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## LaughinJim (Jul 22, 2012)

Thanks for the critique, Squally, but I'm done explaining my poems. There are things in there that are obvious to people of faith and things that are obvious to those who understand British colloquy.


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## Gumby (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm closing this thread, as the conversation is getting way out of hand here. I would ask that you all refrain from making personal comments,  _that will to lead to infractions_ _for flaming and ignoring staff._

Thank you
Gumby


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