# silent screams



## Absolem (Jan 9, 2017)

Silent screams
From quiet dreams
Tear my soul asunder
Like a shadows gleam
From a moonlit beam
They've come to kill my slumber

No rest! No sleep!
For the shadows, the shadows creep!
To have my soul, to take my soul
To have my soul to keep.

No peace! No quiet!
As the shadows riot, riot from the deep
To take my soul, to have my soul
To take my soul to keep

Violence brings
And it starts to seem
That my fury erupts from the blunder
Like the sun rays light
From a sun so bright
Ive come to kill their slumber


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## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Silent screams** 2
> From quiet dreams**3
> Tear my soul asunder**3
> Like a shadows gleam
> ...






No peace no quiet
(from] silent screams
 that tear asunder quiet dreams






your own words, just rearranged.... I am trying to show you the POWER of YOUR OWN words, and they are powerful... de-clutter this... my personal challenge to you...


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## Absolem (Jan 10, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> No peace no quiet
> (from] silent screams
> that tear asunder quiet dreams
> 
> ...


Okay, I'll try. Hey, do the different numbers mean the order or the stanzas or the actual line itself?


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## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2017)

1 shows where in your poem the line was... ect... but jmo, those 3 lines would be a strong opening for your poem...


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## Absolem (Jan 10, 2017)

Okay what about this.

*silent screams*

No peace, no quiet
From silent screams
Quiet dreams
That tear my soul asunder
A shadows gleam
A moonlit beam
They've come to kill my slumber

No rest, no sleep
As shadows creep from the deep
Wanting to take, wanting to keep
My thoughts, my love, my heart, my speech

Violence brings
And it starts to seem
My fury turns to hunger
A sun rays light
A sun so bright
I've come to kill their slumber


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## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Silent screams
> From quiet dreams
> Tear my soul asunder
> Like a shadows gleam
> ...







Absolem said:


> Okay what about this.
> 
> *silent screams*
> 
> ...





Which one do YOU feel, best expresses your thoughts/ emotions/ mood / message.....


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## Absolem (Jan 10, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Which one do YOU feel, best expresses your thoughts/ emotions/ mood / message.....



The second.


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## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2017)

Absolem said:


> The second.





Why? Tell me....


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## Absolem (Jan 10, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Why? Tell me....



Well I like the brevity of the 'a shadows gleam a moonlight beam' line. And I like the new stanza. I just think I should scrape the first 'no peace no quiet'


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## sas (Jan 10, 2017)

Wow! Revision is a home run! Fabulous. Nice work. Good advice, Fire...as usual.


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## Firemajic (Jan 10, 2017)

Absolem said:


> Okay what about this.
> 
> *silent screams*
> 
> ...


*** here you switch from " They've come to kill my slumber" to "I've come to kill their slumber"... why? these are questions your reader will have, and they will feel confused as to what you are saying... I want you to focus on the essence of your message.
your rewrite was a definite improvement... now, you can roll up your sleeves and tighten up your message, check for every opportunity to strengthen your mood and message through imagery.. you are close, but you have not arrived...


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## Absolem (Jan 11, 2017)

A lot of what I say is meant to be open to interpretation. It switches from them killing my slumber to me killing their slumber for reasons only the reader knows.


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

At one extreme writers give readers no credit and spoon feed them every last minute detail and then some. At the other end of the spectrum writers give their readers far too much credit and launch themselves into writing something that is so lacking in any kind of detail that the reader is entirely lost.


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## Absolem (Jan 12, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> At one extreme writers give readers no credit and spoon feed them every last minute detail and then some. At the other end of the spectrum writers give their readers far too much credit and launch themselves into writing something that is so lacking in any kind of detail that the reader is entirely lost.



Which is this? The latter?


*@firemajic* I don't know what else to do to it without changing it compleletly. I like how it switches from them killing my slumber to me because honestly how else would you feel about something killing your slumber. You'd want to do the same back. I like how it 'bites back' in that sense. What more needs to be done?


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## Firemajic (Jan 12, 2017)

Absolem; [B said:
			
		

> @firemajic[/B]  What more needs to be done?






Well, that is for you, the poet to decide... if you are satisfied that this poem expresses your message, then that is your decision..


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## Absolem (Jan 12, 2017)

Well what do you think?


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## Firemajic (Jan 12, 2017)

I think you hide behind "moonlight beams" and lurk in the" shadows"  of your emotions. Words from this poem ')
You do not give your reader anything to cling to. You use smoke and mirrors and rhymes to mask your true message. You push your reader away instead of pulling them in... This is just my opinion. You have a poets heart, but you need to find your voice and stay true to your message. Make your message powerful. Whisper, or roar...  I can see the potential of your work.... can you?


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## Absolem (Jan 12, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> I think you hide behind "moonlight beams" and lurk in the" shadows"  of your emotions. Words from this poem ')
> You do not give your reader anything to cling to. You use smoke and mirrors and rhymes to mask your true message. You push your reader away instead of pulling them in... This is just my opinion. You have a poets heart, but you need to find your voice and stay true to your message. Make your message powerful. Whisper, or roar...  I can see the potential of your work.... can you?



I understand what you mean. Its hard to be honest about what I feel sometimes.


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## Firemajic (Jan 13, 2017)

Absolem said:


> I understand what you mean. Its hard to be honest about what I feel sometimes.





I get that. It is like standing naked in a room full of strangers. However, poetry/ Art is about evoking an emotion, a mental connection, reaction, response... Beautiful words and clever rhymes are just empty things unless there is meaning/ emotion within those words and rhymes.
You may feel as if I am relentless in my critique of your work, and I am... I see your potential as a writer, and you will be so awesome when you allow yourself the freedom to truly express yourself, without fear and restraint. Don't place your poetry in a preconceived box.


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