# On the Edge



## ned (Nov 18, 2015)

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## Nym P. Seudo (Nov 19, 2015)

Sufficiently disturbing and concise. A nice little bit of flash fiction. A couple things:

_"I squeal in delight as his head jerks back... Coolly, I scan for the next target..."_

The emotional shift is pretty rapid here. I initially perceive the disposition of the shooter to be callous and aloof, but the oscillation between squeal of delight and the use of coolly throws me a bit.

_"A siren cuts through the din and I swing the rifle over, remorselessly taking aim..."_

You might not need "remorselessly" here. The previous murders make it pretty implicit. You could throw another adverb out there to reveal another shade to the scene.

_“Supper’s ready, so go wash your hands now.”_

You could crunch this down a bit into --> "Supper's ready. Go wash your hands." (depending if you feel the need to shave it a little)

Those are the observations I was able to come up with. Hopefully they were helpful.


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 19, 2015)

Hey Ned!

This was a crafty little piece. Dark at first but with a nice surprise ending. I liked it, though I agree with Nym's suggestions about the few SPaG that I noticed.

Still, cool beans!

Keep on writin'!


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## Doc Martin (Nov 19, 2015)

Nice story.

A sniper was interviewed and asked, "How can you do that, kill people? What do you feel when you see the head explode?"

He replied, "Recoil."


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## GVictoria (Nov 20, 2015)

It's a nice piece. I think all the things you can improve or change have already been said.

But this were the few things that majorly caught my eye.
1.The sudden transition to the "squeal" and "coolly."
    Unless of course, she's bipolar.
_2. "Supper’s ready, so go wash your hands now.”
_    It sounds formal, not at all how one would actually say to someone, especially their child.


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## ned (Nov 23, 2015)

hello everyone, thanks for reading and commenting -
glad you liked the story and that there are only minor nit-picks raised.

not bipolar GVic, just a little girl. - but of couse, not yet realised when reading that line.

thanks for the kind words Daniel,  - but if you question my spelling and grammar, it's more helpful if you're specific.
Where? What?, because I just don't see it - please come back on that one.

cheers
Ned


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## Marcus Diaz (Nov 28, 2015)

Woah, this story got me very interested, it can be a very good hook for one.


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## jenthepen (Nov 29, 2015)

I almost missed this so I'm grateful to Marcus for bringing it back up. This is a good piece of flash fiction, Ned, with just the right number of clues and red herrings to fool the reader right up to the end.

Like all good stories and poems, it stirs questions in the reader's mind too. There are quite powerful messages layered underneath the surface story. Good one!

jen


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