# Ironing Out



## Ravel (Aug 17, 2011)

So here is my inaugural posting . . . . all comments gratefully received 


“We have to talk” I said one night
“You need to listen to me”
She looked across with weary eyes
And turned up the TV.

I said “we must resolve the gaps
Or our marriage will not grow”
She stared at empty squares intent
In solving her Suduko. 

“We have to iron this out my love”
She looked at me askance
Turned the switch to extra steam 
And pressed her favourite pants.

I said “we have to intertwine
Connect and bind and flow”
She clicked her needles manically 
And pearled another row.

I said “we must communicate”
(I was holding back my rage)
She stuck her nose into her book
And turned another page.

In bed I said “we have to talk
There are things we can’t ignore”
So I elaborated eloquently
As I heard her gently snore.


Ravel


----------



## Gumby (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh I like this one.  I  would cut out the first 'and' in the second line, fourth stanza and lose the capitalizations that start each line. If you will punctuate this one correctly, I think it will flow much more naturally.


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 18, 2011)

WHHHAAATTTT? it is usually the Man who is guilty of turning up the TV---or snoring while the Woman is trying to have a "heart to heart" chat....How very clever of you! This is absolutely so wonderfully witty..  Well done! I love how you paired what you were saying to her with what she was doing---"we have to iron this out--as she pressed her pants"--you need to communicate as she is reading--ect. THAT was genius!  I cant wait to read more.  Thank you for posting this enchanting Poem.   Peace...Jul


----------



## SilverMoon (Aug 18, 2011)

Ravel! What a clever, clever poem! firemajic said it well. You did a astounding "Switch-a-roo", tossing the steriotypical out of the window - where it belongs. And so well executed.

I have an idea about the last line.



> So I elaborated eloquently
> As I heard her gently snore



"As she gently snored", perhaps. Why would one elaborate to someone whom they are aware of snoring?

Terribly witty! Allot of talent presented here. Can't wait to read your next! Laurie


----------



## Ravel (Aug 19, 2011)

Laurie - the snore was so gentle I only heard it when I checked to see whether
 she was paying attention . . .


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Aug 20, 2011)

I love this, Ravel! Way to switch things up, as Jul so aptly pointed out. I must echo Gumby regarding the caps, they are distracting every line, as well as the punctuation. The flow of this piece would benefit from it being properly punctuated. My only other nit is a typo in maniacally. Great job, hon, and welcome aboard!

Best,
Lisa


----------



## missmojorising (Aug 20, 2011)

Reminds me of the old adage: Familiarity breeds contempt. 

Familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity wins admiration.Apuleius
_Roman philosopher, rhetorician, & satirist (124 AD - 170 AD)_


----------



## Ravel (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks Lisa - again, would value your punctuation and decapitating! 

missmojorising - This is autobiographical, maybe there is some familiarity and contempt, but I think it is more about being (as another more recent adage goes) on different wavelengths. I had not heard the second half of the Apuleius adage. Quite a rareity to see it quoted, I admire that.


----------



## Jeep121262 (Aug 20, 2011)

Just two things, Sudoku and maniacally.  As I have found out on here, if you don't check your spelling, others will do it for you, lol.
Mark.


----------



## Ravel (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks Mark - and I shall adjust the "marriage will not grow" line to rhyme . . . and maybe even improve it!


----------



## Jeep121262 (Aug 20, 2011)

Sorry, I realized it would upset that line but assumed you would want it pointed out.
Mark.


----------



## Ravel (Aug 20, 2011)

I would Mark & thanks !


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Aug 20, 2011)

As promised (or threatened, lol) here is my tinkering:

“We have to talk." I said one night,
“You need to listen to me."
She looked across with weary eyes
and turned up the TV.

I said “We must resolve the gaps,
or our marriage will not grow."
She stared at empty squares intent
in solving her Suduko. (I Googled and it's also called Suduko)

“We have to iron this out, my love.”
She looked at me askance,
turned the switch to extra steam, 
and pressed her favourite pants.

I said “We have to intertwine,
connect, and bind and flow." (After reading Cin's comment, perhaps to instead of the first and, but then lose the comma in this line)
She clicked her needles manically (spelling in maniacally)
and pearled another row. (love this image)

I said, “We must communicate." (Perhaps an exclamation point?, more thrust that way)
(I was holding back my rage)
She stuck her nose into her book,
and turned another page.

In bed I said "We have to talk,
there are things we can’t ignore."
So I elaborated eloquently
as I heard her gently snore.

Hope this helps, love. If you hate it, just ignore me. This is one great piece.

Best,
Lisa


----------



## Firemajic (Aug 21, 2011)

Ravel--love the tiny changes Lisa made to your fabulous poem...they are so very subtle---but carries a big impact...Great job Lisa on the "fine tuning .. Peace...Jul


----------



## Jane Martin (Aug 23, 2011)

I also like the way you have mirrored your language to her responses, eg:

I said “we have to intertwine
Connect and bind and flow”
She clicked her needles manically 
And pearled another row.

Welcome to WF, hope you like it.  It took me a while to get up the courage to post my first poem but I was so encouraged once I did. I hope it has been a good experience for you.


----------



## Ravel (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks all for your helpful and positive comments.

Lisa - I like your subtle punctuation changes and am encouraged by your response to the Jul. Could you explain what you meant by "perhaps to instead of the first and, but then lose the comma in this line" ?

Im not sure what to do about "sudoku/sudoku" as the latter does seem to be the normal spelling. Lisa - where did you confirm that it has two genuine spellings?

Thank you Jane - and hello. Yes it has been a good experience for me. All of you have been very supportive. I have rarely exposed my writing to people, so it is great to find it has some meaning and resonance to some of you.

David


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Aug 24, 2011)

Dearest David, what I meant regarding that line was to replace the and after connect with to like such: connect to bind and flow, but then the comma I inserted after connect needs to be removed. In hindsight, it's not such a great suggestion as I don't think it really encompasses what your aiming for. As far as sudoku, I searched for your spelling and came up with this: Free printable suduko puzzles, and that's good enough for me. Hope this helps.

Best,
Lisa


----------



## aj47 (Aug 26, 2011)

This is very good, but I'll like to see you incorporate some of the suggestions before i attempt to make any meaningful comments.  I feel like a latecomer to the party


----------



## Ravel (Aug 29, 2011)

You say sudoku, I say suduko . . . . let's call the whole thing off


----------



## Jeep121262 (Aug 29, 2011)

I shall never point out speeling again.
Mark.


----------



## Ravel (Aug 29, 2011)

haha - oh yoo must !


----------



## Ravel (Aug 29, 2011)

astroannie - yes, I need to apply myself to this, and I defer application dreadfully. But I shall now I have a nudge. Tuesday night.


----------



## Winston (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm lacking the better vocabulary at the moment to properly laud this poem.  

It is good.  Very good.


----------



## Chesters Daughter (Aug 30, 2011)

This is probably is all for naught, but I just realized that the link I supplied doesn't resemble a link. The stuff after the colon in my earlier post is actually a link to puzzles with the same spelling of the word we may no longer mention, lol. I figure if they're offering the puzzles under that title, it must be valid, or those offering it are bogus, but the puzzles look pretty reel (misspell for Mark, lol). Okay, it's late and I'm starting to ramble as is my wont. Off I go, see you guys tomorrow. Oh, I still say if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me, besides, it'll be a pain to switch it, I know, I've tried, David, and to say the same exact thing yet change rhyme won't be easy.


----------

