# August 2013 - LM - The Date From Hell - Scores



## Fin (Sep 1, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
The Date From Hell


Lots of ties this time around! Took a little while to get this up! Apologies, but there was a slight problem getting the scores! You can thank Staff Deployment and Terry D for stepping up on such short notice in getting the scores to me, or else this might not even be up yet! This time, there were five judges! Though one of them will be scoring just two of the entries due to anonymity issues. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Leyline, Shinyford, and J Anfinson for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Special thanks to Staff Deployment and Terry D for stepping up and filling in for the missing judge.


*Scores*​
*Leyline**Shinyford**J Anfinson**Staff Deployment**Terry D**Average**WechtleinUns*15141519N/A15.75*BreakingMyself*15141716N/A15.5*Mr Mitchell*13121015N/A12.5*InkwellMachine*16181719N/A17.5*J Anfinson*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*Euripides*17161718N/A17*Lucifer*13121411N/A12.5*Bazz Cargo - Possible New Sitcom*18151917N/A17.25*Pluralized - Sarcophagi of the Soulless*16181520N/A17.25*Ghosts of the Maze*15171619N/A16.75*Charlaux*19151518N/A16.75*Shinyford - The Date From Hell*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*Lewdog - Growing a Conscious over Wine*151215N/A12.513.62*Staff Deployment*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/AJudge Entry*PigletInPortugal - The Blind Date From Hell*151318N/A1715.75*Gargh*18161816N/A17*Guy Faukes*17151718N/A16.75*lcg*17141612N/A14.75

In third place, we have both *Gargh* with the story *What The Hell*, and *Euripides* with her entry *Romantic Failure.*
In second, we have both *Bazz Cargo* with his entry *Possible New Sitcom*, and *Pluralized* with his entry *Sarcophagi of the Soulless By Malthazar MacNamara.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *InkwellMachine* with his entry *Wedding Invitation.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Leyline’s scores]

*WetchleinUns
“The Date From Hell, California”
SCORE: 15*

Only a few SPAG nits: a couple of uses of a period instead of a comma in quote tags, and the attendant improper use of capitalization following that, a (possible) use of 'can' instead of 'can't.' Another jarring moment (though not exactly a SPAG issue) was the use of 'the girl's' name right before she introduces herself, when she'd only been referred to in the general.

A fairly well written story, that doesn't really go anywhere. It's mostly description and the characters are, at best, vague. That said, it's pretty good description, and reads smoothly. This really strikes me more as the opening paragraphs to a longer story: the menace is undefined, the narrative drive still prefatory.


*Breaking Myself
“Reciprocation”
SCORE: 15*

The only real nit I saw was 'ringed' instead of 'rang,' and some rather odd paragraphing here and there. My main problem with this story was that I pretty much knew exactly what was going to happen from the second paragraph on, with no surprises. I also felt that the rather calm and descriptive style clashed with the 1st person POV -- it just felt off. All in all, this was a well written piece, it just didn't really do it for me.


*Mr. Mitchell
“I Dated The Wrong Girl”
SCORE: 13*

Some strange uses of 'in' where 'on' would be more apt, and some odd syntax throughout. I'm not quite sure what point the story had. It strikes me as a setup that goes nowhere. 


*InkwellMachine
“Wedding Invitation”
SCORE: 16*

Well written, and I saw no nits. The 'twist' was a little telegraphed, but I found it enjoyable nonetheless. My only major problem was that I couldn't understand why this was done in epistolary style or who 'Roderick' was or why a demon would be writing to him. 


*J. Anfinson
“Some Girls Talk Too Much”
JUDGE ENTRY*

N/A


*Euripidies
“Romantic Failure”
SCORE: 17*

Nits: Lack of a comma after 'Nothing' in the third paragraph. 'And' should be capitalized after 'aren't you cold?' Otherwise, clean and neat.

I like the writing here, especially the dialogue -- it's believable yet witty and flows well. The ending left me a bit cold. Why didn't he simply explain himself? 


*Lucifer
“Hell's Date”
SCORE: 13*

Nits: An ellipses is three periods (...). I think you meant 'Aww' rather than 'Awe,' and 'squeals' instead of 'sequels.' That sentence lacks punctuation, as do two later sentences.

What, exactly, happened? A woman goes crazy and rips up some thugs, then the story ends. This may have made an interesting beginning to a story, but that's what it remains -- an interesting beginning. I enjoyed your style of writing action, but this just stops rather than concludes. 


*Anonymous
“Possible New Sitcom”
SCORE: 18*

Extremely well written and quite funny. But, seriously, the 'Thatcher is evil' punch line nearly ruined it for me. It's been done and done and done and done. It's no longer funny, sorry. 


*Anonymous
“Sarcophagi of the Soulless
By Malthazar MacNamara”
SCORE: 16*

Some good imagery, but this is a perfect example of why I don't like acid-trip stories -- they're generally nothing but imagery. This was a unique take on the prompt, and I found that aspect very clever. But, mostly, I read along waiting for a story and did not find one. 


*Ghosts Of The Maze
“Pit Stop”
SCORE: 15*

Nits: I think it should be 'wake up with coffee' rather than 'to coffee,' which implies waking up to discover you have coffee. And it should be 'step' instead of 'stepped.'

Again, this is well written, with good flow and dialogue, and a nice sense of character sketched in a very short space, yet I don't really see a story here. I'm also not sure how this fits the prompt at all, as I didn't get the feeling that they were even on a date, much less one from hell.


*Charlaux
“HS3”
SCORE: 19*

Very well done, several laugh out loud moments. The deadpan, faux news-report style reminded me of the hilarious podcast 'Welcome To Nightvale,' though the tone was quite different. Excellent use of the prompt and beautifully complete. Superb work!


*Anonymous
“The Date From Hell”
Judge Entry*

Nits: Several failures to use capitalization after non-comma quote-tags. Other than that, very clean.

I liked this a lot -- it was funny, complete, and strangely sweet. I'm glad that the date ended well, despite being from hell. For some reason I pictured Rob Brydon and Catherine Tate. Good work!


*Anonymous
“Growing A Conscious Over Wine”
SCORE: 15*

Nits: 'Conscience,' not 'Conscious.'

This was...strange. What happened to the weird tongue ear invading tongue woman? Was that just a hallucination or some sort of strange metaphor? What did it have to do with the guy regretting his mistakes? This could have been really interesting (and the writing is pretty good) but I, quite frankly, don't get it. 


*lcg
“Shoes On Date (POV of a pair of shoes)”
SCORE: 17*

An odd, unique take on the prompt, mostly hampered by what I suspect is a writing working in a second language. Some very funny stuff, and a great deal of character given to the POV character, quite fitting for a pair of high end shoes not being treated to the respect its station deserves. I very much liked this, and hope to see more from you. 


*Staff Deployment
“Untitled”
Judge Entry*

This does a good job of evoking the surreal world of dreams, and even manages to conjure up some suspense despite the fact that it _is_ a dream being known from the beginning. I'm not quite sure how to take the ending. Was it simply an expression of the narrators guilt at abandoning someone even in a dream, or a more spec-fic admission that Sarah was _actually_ taken into his/her mind as a sort of psychic phenomenon? The only real nit I saw was 'keeped' instead of 'kept' in the first paragraph.


*Anonymous
The Blind Date From Hell
SCORE: 15*

Huh. The whole thing seems like a set-up for humor, but when the 'punch line' arrives nothing is done with it. Why did the narrator leave with an obvious fraud rather than saying 'Go away,' and booking a flight home? If something humorous had been done with it, I may have bought it. As it stands, I didn't. Pretty well written, in a nicely observed dialect, but I just didn't see the point.


*Gargh
“What the hell”
SCORE: 18*

Quite enjoyed this -- built a terrific atmosphere and an admirable sense of strange suspense throughout, and was the first 'twist' ending to actually work for me in the contest. Good stuff.


*Guy Faulks
The Date From Hell (Literally)
SCORE: 17*

This had a lot of potential. I was enjoying the style of almost over-analysis, and the descriptive writing was excellent: detailed and vivid without going into the purple. But as it built, I expected a clever twist. Instead, it just sort of abruptly ended with the date being over, which was disappointing to me after such an excellent build up. Still, all in all, this was a good story. The only nits I saw were lack of commas after a few quote tags.

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Shinyford’s scores]

*WechtleinUns
“The Date from Hell, California"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14*


So, I can't fault the SPaG here, bar the occasional punctuation issue and the odd repeat of a phrase ("turn back" and "turned back" in quick succession, for example).


The voice was good and consistent throughout, but I have to say not overly interesting (sorry!). The text itself was a great vignette, but for a story I'd want to see more of a journey, more of a change of circumstance. Overall I wasn't entirely engaged, I'm afraid to say.



*BreakingMyself
“Reciprocation"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 2
Effect: 9
Overall: 14*


So, I had a few problems parsing some of this: commas where colons or periods should have been used, for example, meant it was a conscious effort. Similarly, the written style didn't really differentiate between characters; and despite what was going on, I found it hard to hear real horror and fear in the narrator's voice.


BUT... what a great story! Chilling and scary, and a proper, old-fashioned morality tale at heart. You obviously have great ideas, and know how to structure a story; if you can sort out the (let's face it, easy to fix) concerns around punctuation and tone - in other words, make it a breeze for the reader to read, and add colour to the sketch - you'll have something really special to offer. I genuinely look forward to more. Thanks for posting this!



*Mr mitchell
“I dated the wrong girl"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12*


SPaG issues were few, but it wasn't perfect to be honest: repeated words jarred, and simple things (such as the capitalisation of 'She' in '"Are you going to eat your dinner?" She asked.') detracted from the reading experience. Tone/voice was fairly simple, and again a little uninspiring.


The story itself was really straightforward, with "the date from hell" less a prompt and more a summary: just two people on a bad date. No problem with that per se, but as above, I really want a story to take me on a journey of some kind.



*InkwellMachine
“Wedding Invitation"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*


Can't fault the SPaG. Tone was perfect, too - immersive and engaging, and dripping with local colour.


And a great story, eked out over the full 650 words. The revelation of what's going on happens through the piece rather than at the end, and it's a slow, glorious mystery that unravels. TBH it took a couple of reads to fully understand what was happening - much was left to be inferred - but I almost don't care what went on; it's the getting there that matters.



*J Anfinson
“Some girls talk too much"
Judge entry*


SPaG and tone good; the voice felt really Frank's. And a good story, with a satisfying pull-back-and-reveal. Suitably horrific. Nice one.



*Euripides
“Romantic Failure"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*


No problems with SPaG at all. The voice was a little nondescript, but worked fine. Allison was suitably differentiable from the narrator.


Great story, though. Straighforward but nicely set up. I didn't see what was coming until it had passed me, which was great. Thanks for bringing this!



*Lucifer
“Hell's Date"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 12*


So, for me there are a number of problems with SPaG here, not least of which is the way it veres from present tense to past and back again. There are also a hugh number of what should be separate sentences coupled with commas: periods should be used. (For example: "She smiles so big it forces Abe to do the same, Mary comes in to hug him" should be "She smiles so big it forces Abe to do the same. Mary comes in to hug him". A very small change, but it makes a world of difference to the pace one reads at.


The story itself is a bit of a non-sequitur. A date story, then an underworld-debt story, glued together by Mary. Not that that's a problem in itself, but it felt a little bolted together. I now really want to know why Mary did this: is this an example of superpowers, or has she just been in the SAS for a few years? I also want to know what Abe's role is. I sort of want a revelation of some ilk that's not been forthcoming by the end of the story.



*Anonymous
“Possible New Sitcom"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*


SPaG is fine, and the tone is lovely and comedic throughout.


Effect is generally good too. I love the way you reveal what Hell is for you: the Bontempi organ, for example. Also loving the daemons' names, and the seven aces.


I would note that your POV changes half way through, which it's probably best to avoid if you can.


I think you gave away your punchline about four paragraphs too early. The reveal about Margaret (Thatcher nee) Roberts gave away the whole gag, so none of the rest of the story was needed. (The Scargill reference was redundant by that point too.) Ideally, with this sort of story that reveal should be in the very last line. I'd say you should drop Scargill and any mention of Roberts's name early on, and skirt around what you're going to do. And the last line should be more like: "Margaret? Margaret Roberts? Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Dennis." A double reveal.


Sorry - writing the story for you now. But does that make sense? Keep the reveal of the punchline for the end.



*Anonymous
“Sarcophagi of the Soulless by Malthazar MacNamara"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*


I really liked this. An old man dropping acid - straightforward, simple, and nicely done. The tone was great, creating a real atmosphere for the piece. And I don't think I can say much more than that - top stuff, and thanks.



*Ghosts of the Maze
“Pit Stop"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 17*


No problems with SPaG. Tone could have been slightly better, to create more of a unique atmosphere for the place, but was generally perfectly fine.


Lovely story. Really creates a sense of being trapped, for both parties, which is clever. A real sense of hopelessness in the woman's manufactured hope for the future. Very nicely done.



*Charlaux
“HS3"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*


A good, reportage tone works well here, and the SPaG is fine.


I have to admit, I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I *think* an army of daemons is building a railway from London to Hell - but it's not entirely clear, and I think the story could be made stronger by making that more explicit towards the end as a reveal. However, I like the conceit and I think it was well executed.



*Anonymous
“The Date from Hell"
N/A*



*Anonymous
“Growing a Conscious Over Wine"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 12*


So, SPaG had a few errors, and the tone was a little pedestrian. The story itself was a nice idea, but a little confusing: not the least problem being the fact that I don't understand the title. I also find it hard to rationalise the final revelation to his his wife with what she (I assume the same woman) did with his ear at the beginning. It's almost a cut-and-shut story: two disparate story halves spliced together. And as such, I'm afraid it left me a bit unsatisfied.



*lcg
“Shoes on a Date"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14*


A really interesting attempt to do something different with the prompt (a much better go at doing so than I managed, anyway). The language felt a little stilted, but I see you're based in India, and I wonder if this is a dialect thing? (I.e. my own limiting me in the reading of yours.)


I found it a little hard to tell which shoe was talking from time to time. I then realised it was only a single shoe throughout - but the fact was, it took me a while to realise that, and this may be down to the way speech marks were being used.


I liked the 'belittling' pun at the end.


Overall, as I said a really good go at something different.



*Staff Deployment
“Untitled"
Judge Entry*

I really liked this. No SPaG problems for me, and a voice that really created a creepy atmosphere. A bit of a dark fairytale, this, and I love the surreal ending with Sarah remaining in the dream and unable to escape the monster. A bit Rob Shearman in its mundane surreality. Very nice.


*Anonymous
“The Blind Date from Hell"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13*


Technically good, and with a voice that created atmosphere well (although I did find that sometimes the ideolect swung from regional [Scottish?] very quickly to a standard middle-class English; that could have been more consistent).


An interesting story, but one which is obviously longer than its 643 words. It ended very abruptly - or rather, didn't. Yes, it ran out of words; but Jake's journey hadn't completed so it was all a bit sudden. Again, this made it a bit unsatisfying as a read - but on the plus side, I'm obviously the target market for a longer version.



*Gargh
“What the Hell"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*


A couple of small SPaG issues - a missing comma, dodgy capitalisation in speech - but nothing major. The tone suited the story perfectly.


And a pretty good story, albeit a little predictable (more from knowledge of the author's prior art than anything in the story). There were minor issues, such as her being the only person in the restaurant but "all eyes followed her in" nonetheless. I'd like to have found out more about the perversion, and why a daemon was there in the first place, apparently unsuspecting - but there's a limit to what you can do with 650 words.



*Guy Faukes
“A Date from Hell (Literally)"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

So, the SPaG was good and the voice worked well at creating an atmosphere. I liked the description of Greer at the beginning, and the time invested (a good investment!) in explaining his change since his younger dating days.

Dialogue got a little confused at the end, viz.:


    "you can try to shoot me with that nine millimeter you have concealed in front of all these people.”
    “Are they consecrated rounds?” she said.


So, two lines in succession that must come from the succubus (mustn't they?) which did jar a bit.

But overall a good story and a nice, if short, journey for Greer. And was it just me, or did you end on a slightly risque gag? If you did, well done - it fitted well, and wouldn't be spotted by corruptible innocents. If you didn't... boy, is my face red now.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=J Anfinson’s scores]

*
Author: WechtleinUns
Title: The Date from Hell, California
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 4
Effect: 6

Overall: 15 *

The spelling and grammar on this one is excellent, but it also seems like this piece would work better within a novel than a short story. I’m left feeling like I’d have rather read about the fight than this reaction scene in a diner. Maybe it’s a personal thing, but I like a little more forward momentum in a story instead of looking back. Overall, not too bad though.


*
Author: BreakingMyself
Title: Reciprocation
SPaG: 4
Tone and Voice: 4
Effect: 9

Overall: 17 *



> It made me hesitate, did her little grin remind me of someone?


 
I noticed this right off the bat. A statement and a question separated by a comma. I really don’t believe that to be right, though I’m by no means an expert. I think what I would do instead is:

“It made me hesitate—Did her little grin remind me of someone?



> I noticed the extra fizz clinging to the inside of my beer bottle, I'd been spiked.


 
This, I think needs a period. “I noticed the extra fizz clinging to the inside of my beer bottle. I’d been spiked.”



> taste it in the back of my throat, I'd surely been beaten.


 
Another example of the same thing. Matter of fact, I found a lot of these instances. Now, I’m not a grammar guru, so I’m not going to dock much. Maybe the way you have it is technically okay, but it sure seems awkward to me. However, even throughout all of this, I loved the story. It’s always great when a dirtbag gets what he has coming to him. The ending was nicely done, I thought. Not bad at all.

*
Author: Mr mitchell
Title: I dated the wrong girl
SPaG: 3
Tone and Voice: 3
Effect: 4

Overall: 10 *

The phrasing of both the narrative and dialogue throughout this entire piece was awkward, leaving almost no effect for me. I’d like to suggest that when you get done with a draft, print it out and read it again. I catch more mistakes after I print something than I ever do while I’m typing. It just looks different once you get it on paper, I think, so that it makes spotting mistakes easier. Hope that helps.

J.


*
Author: InkwellMachine
Title: Wedding Invitation
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 7

Overall: 17 *

I thought this one read rather smoothly. The tone was great, the grammar was excellent, and it had a good balance of details. The only thing that kept me from giving it a higher score was that I’m still left confused who Roderick is. Is that something I’m supposed to know, or just a random name? I expect he’s an exorcist…Even still, I thought this was a good story.


*
Author: Euripides
Title: Romantic Failure
SPaG: 4
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 8

Overall: 17 *



> I knew the night was not going to go at all as I had envisioned when I realized that I hadn’t informed Allison our date was going to be outside, during the winter, in Minnesota. I looked over at her huddled up in a thin coat, skirt, and ballet flats and muttered to myself for my stupidity.


 
I felt like this was too much of a mouthful. Sometimes it’s better to have short, snappy sentences to start a story, and add the detail into the next paragraph. That’s just my two cents.



> I looked over and smiled with what I hoped was both a reassuring and romantic smile.


 
Smiled a smile? I’m guessing you missed that in the edit, because overall you did a great job editing, but that stuck out like a sore thumb, in my eyes.

Other than that, this seemed like a solid piece. Not too shabby.


*
Author: Lucifer
Title: Hell’s Date
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 3
Effect: 6

Overall: 14 *



> Mary sequels


 
This jumped out at me. I’m guessing you meant “squeals”?

This story was okay, but the farther I got into it, the more it read like a script, especially the ending, which was entirely too abrupt in my opinion. It was like you were on the phone with me and the battery on your cell phone died. Also, I think a great big chunk of the opening could go away and the story could have started right here:



> Abe was on cloud nine walking into that small Mexican restaurant, for once things where going to go his way. They're seated at a bar for drinks by an elderly Mexican waitress. The restaurant is sleepy only having a handful of patrons. Abe states the obvious...


 
Minor changes would have to be made, of course, but that would drop the reader into the story right where it really starts to get interesting.

I’m just the kind of reader that likes a story to grab me from the get-go, and this didn’t do that with the slow beginning. That’s just my opinion, so take it for what it is.

Thanks for entering.

J.


*
Author: Anonymous
Title: Possible New Sitcom
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 9

Overall: 19 *

Really liked this one. The screaming of the damned, the desk made of bones, and Iron Maiden…what more could a guy ask for? It was almost perfect, and maybe I just don’t understand the significance of the date (1946-Oxford) but I’m not much of a history buff so it eludes me. Overall, a great story though. I really can’t nitpick at anything.


*
Author: Anonymous
Title: Sarcophagi of the Soulless
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 5

Overall: 15 *

I had no idea what was going on, other than this guy was tripping on acid. The descriptions were amazing, but since I had no idea what the plot was, I was left scratching my head at the end. Maybe I just don’t get something that should be obvious? Is this an imaginary event? I don’t see the significance of that date (9-7). Wish I could understand.


*
Author: Ghosts of the Maze
Title: Pit Stop
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 6

Overall: 16 *

The writing is pretty good, but I honestly don’t see how it fits the prompt. I couldn’t see anything about a date nor hell involved with this piece. Maybe it just flew over my head?

Oh well. It is what it is, and it is a pretty decent story, regardless. Not a bad entry at all. Look forward to seeing what else you’ve got.

J.


*
Author: Charlaux
Title: HS3
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Creativeness: 2

Overall: 15 *

The newscaster narrator didn’t really do it for me. The grammar was fine, but the story was so straightforward that it came across kind of boring. I do like creativity, however. Can’t say I’ve seen a story told like this in the LM as long as I’ve been here, so I’ll wave my magic judge wand and give you a couple extra points for that. Thanks for entering.


*
Author: Anonymous
Title: The Date from Hell
Judge Entry *

I’ve got to admit, this made me laugh in more ways than one. This comes real close to the original idea I had for my own entry, where I was going to make her a fat, annoying slob. Great minds think alike, huh?

Everything read smoothly to me, but the ending didn’t pack the punch I hoped it would, to be honest. Would have been better to end in comedy, I think. Overall, a good story.


*
Author: Anonymous
Title: Growing a Conscious Over Wine
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 4
Effect: 6

Overall: 15 *

Not a bad story, but it didn’t have a big effect on me. The flashbacks were descriptive, but in a telling way, not showing. I tend to find that technique disengaging, but maybe that’s just me. Overall, not a bad story.


*
Author: Icg
Title: Shoes On Date (POV of a pair of shoes)
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 6

Overall: 16 *

This was an interesting idea. The comedy fell flat for me, but the story kept me going. Grammar and tone were good. Not a bad entry at all.


*
Author: Staff Deployment
Title: Untitled
Judge Entry*

A crazy ride for sure. I won’t go into the grammar issues since you’ve already pointed out your own flaws in the coffee shop. I think you could have covered all that with another edit or two. Mostly, this story was just strange. Why was she dreaming along with him? It’s an interesting concept. Magic judge wand waved again. 2 points!


*
Author: Anonymous
Title: The Blind Date From Hell
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 8

Overall: 18 *

Oh good Lord, not a cross-dresser! This story started off kind of slow, but then picked up. The grammar and tone was really good. Makes me curious who wrote this one.


*
Author: Gargh
Title: What the hell
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 8

Overall: 18 *

Wow, this was really something. A feisty demon chick swinging a whip and everything. You did a great job setting the scene and describing everything. I can’t complain about much of anything. Had a good ending too.


*
Author: Guy Faukes
Title: A Date from Hell (Literally)
SPaG: 5
Tone and Voice: 5
Effect: 7

Overall: 17 *



> A younger Greer would’ve thought the entire gesture completely romantic, but being five years out of the game, he felt rather silly now.


 
Just a personal preference, but I don’t think the “now” is needed.



> “Relax,” she said, bringing her wine to those decadent lips with those delicate fingers.


 
I found this line awkward having both decadent and delicate in the same sentence. Maybe replace one?

The story is written incredibly well. The descriptions are far better than I could personally do. Yet, I felt that the ending left more to be desired. She left. Next time, shoot her. 

Overall, I think you’re a great writer. I could learn a lot from you. Look forward to seeing more from you.

J.

[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Staff Deployment’s scores]

*WeichtleinUns
"The Date From Hell, California"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

Excellent beginning to this challenge. I loved how much sheer characterization you gave everyone in so few words, and I loved how you focused on the aftermath rather than the fight while still keeping that hint of conflict ongoing. If there was only one thing I would nitpick is that the ending seems like it was written solely to tie into the theme (even though it fits very nicely in the theme regardless).


*BreakingMyself
"Reciprocation"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

Wow, Breaking, that's some delicious "revenge porn" you've got going on there, which is always an interesting genre to take. I liked the story overall, though I found the themes a bit heavy-handed at times and the two women seemed sadistic beyond a need for revenge, which frightened me somewhat.


*Mr Mitchell
"I Dated the Wrong Girl"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: 15*

Some grammar mistakes (though commendably few!), and a story that, while consistent, didn't quite develop naturally. I liked the story but it felt as if you were leading up to a revelation—that it was all a misunderstanding—but didn't quite get there. It was still good, though.


*Inkwell Machine
"Wedding Invitation"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

So good. Lustful demon of hell writing an apologetic (yet not really) letter to a man whose wife/girlfriend (?) he has just sexually assaulted and murdered. There's a lot going on here through implication that suggests a much larger and more encompassing story than the one letter you've transcribed here. Is it a supplement to a larger piece?


*J Anfinson
"Some Girls Talk Too Much"
Spelling/Grammar: n/a
Tone/Voice: n/a
Effect: n/a
Overall: n/a*

Sweet baby jesus, this is my favourite out of the whole bunch. If only you weren't judging . . . I loved the way you nabbed me on the common gripe against talkative girls, and then completely turned it all on its head in spectacular violent depravity. An excellent read.


*Euripides
"Romantic Failure"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

Awww.

It's so sad. I liked it and the story was touching; I knew it would turn out badly for the poor guy but I couldn't help reading through and hoping he would overcome the inevitability of failure and propose . . . but it was never meant to be.


*Lucifer
"Hell's Date"
Spelling/Grammar: 1
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 11*

Story was fine (though devolved by the end) but grammar really hurt this piece. I was excited because you used present tense! But then you started regressing into past tense inconsistently which wasn't good, and then there were some issues with dialogue punctuation, as well as two periods used instead of one, in some places, for some reason. Also I really want to know how someone would vocally "sequel" aloud!

Anyway the story started out well but it devolved into craziness about two-thirds in. Why were there gangsters? Since when could sweet, sequeling Mary rip people to shreds? There was no precedent and it was confusing, sadly, because it seemed like you were leading up to something cool for the first half. Oh well . . .


*Anonymous
"Possible New Sitcom"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

Jack Hobbs made 61,237 cricket runs for England! I fail to see how he is the devil. Or perhaps the devil takes his form. I feel like I'm missing some important context here.

Anyway I liked the set-up but the shift in focus in characters made it a bit too jumpy for my liking. The generic devil wasn't quite so interesting as the bumbling lesser demon who hangs out with thieves and is crippled by a necessity for subservience. Also his name is funny and I respect that.


*Anonymous
"Sarcophagi of the Soulless"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 10
Overall: 20*

That was very cool. I can't verify your accuracy but I don't really want to; I enjoyed the ride and I enjoyed the way all of the images and feelings flowed both naturally and unnaturally together. There wasn't much of a story at the outset, but the metaphor at the end, the 19-year-old grabbing the older man 40 years later and laughing at him, was disturbing and strong.


*Ghosts in the Maze
"Pit Stop"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 9
Overall: 19*

This is a much more subtle and mellow story than some of the others here. It relies on thoughts, feelings, and images to tell a story of uncertainty and, I suppose. that sinking feeling one gets in the stomach when one know things are imperfect. The story was very well written and deliberately paced.


*Charlaux
"HS3"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

Love the tone, loved the framing device, loved the way you never explicitly stated what was really going on. A literal highway to Hell, sponsored directly by the British government. Awesome.


*Anonymous
"The Date From Hell"
Judge Entry*

I totally figured it out as soon as he said "the man upstairs." I like this interpretation of the devil, almost like a misunderstood teenager, and I like the way that the girl was at least self-aware. She knew that she was being horrible, but hey, she was literally dating the Lord of Hell, so why not. Both of them were kind of adorable in their own way.


*Anonymous
"Growing a Conscious Over Wine"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall:*

<<<>>>


*Icg
"Shoes On Date"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 3
Overall: 12*

I've never been much of a fan of inanimate-object POV stories so that may be why I wasn't so convinced by this one. However, the framing device felt a little bit flat for me and the story required a lot of work in terms of conjecture—what's the wet patch? Are they moving? What's going on? It was too difficult to follow the story. You did keep the tone consistent, however, which is excellent.


*Staff Deployment
"Untitled"
Spelling/Grammar: n/a
Tone/Voice: n/a
Effect: n/a
Overall: n/a*

n/a


*Anonymous
"Blind Date From Hell"
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall: *

<<<>>>


*Gargh
"What the Hell"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

From the outset this seems like a classic subversion/revenge story—a girl accosted by a pervert reveals that she's the one in power all along (also she turns into a demon and murders an innocent employee with an african whip). But the pervert himself—that's so much more interesting. What was up with that restaurant? How did he set it up? Does he get off on people eating charred steak? Why did he hire a waiter? Is he rich? Is he a demon himself? Was he the waiter the whole time? Who operated the cameras then? What's going on? There are many intriguing ideas here and my curiosity was brimming . . . yet no answers were given.


*Guy Faukes
"Date From Hell (Literally)"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

That one italicized word—_succubus_—sold this story for me. There's a lot of implication in that one word—he knows what she is, he's dealt with monsters like her before, and he's furious he didn't figure it out sooner. This is a story that suggests it's an abridged part of a much longer and more involved narrative with, presumably, a complicated history. Always nice to have that larger scope implied.
[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Terry D’s scores]

*Anonymous
“The Blind Date from Hell”
Total Score – 17 of 20*

*SPaG – 5 of 5* Grammatically flawless writing. A good use of SPaG tools. Varied punctuation for effect, and rhythm.

*Tone & Voice – 4 of 5* Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice is clear and unique. It is also consistent throughout the story. For a humor piece the voice falls just a touch short of making the piece really over-the-top funny.

*Effect – 8 of 10.* This story was well executed and used the prompt very well. It flowed well from beginning to end and read very smoothly. It is a technically excellent piece. The only flaw I found was that it is somewhat predicable, and not an original spin on the internet dating idea.


*Anonymous
“Growing a Conscious over Wine”
Total Score 12.5 of 20*

*SPaG – 3.5 of 5* Mostly correct with one major error. There are a couple of comma usage issues, but nothing too glaring. The biggie for me is the spelling error in the title.

*Tone & Voice – 3 of 5* Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. The piece reads a bit choppy to me and doesn't flow well. There are a couple of questionable words choices also, for example; “past discretions” should be ‘past indiscretions’.

*Effect – 6 of 10* The tie to the prompt is clear and unique, but overall the story doesn’t work for me. Even after re-reading it I don’t understand what happened; a dream? Hallucination? Ghost of Christmas past? Of course that could just be me.
[/spoiler2]


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## J Anfinson (Sep 1, 2013)

Bazz Cargo's scores aren't on the table


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## Gargh (Sep 1, 2013)

Congratulations InkwellMachine! 

Also (deep breath) Bazz, Pluralized, Euripides and...me. Nice to place again, and in such good company :surprise:

Great round this time, nice to see so many participants :-D


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## Fin (Sep 1, 2013)

J Anfinson said:


> Bazz Cargo's scores aren't on the table



Strange that just one forgotten bracket can remove an entire component. Fixed now. Thanks for letting me know.


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## Pluralized (Sep 1, 2013)

Congratulations, Professor Inkwell Machine!! A very well-deserved win. Big thanks to everyone who participated this round, to all the judges, and thanks to Fin for laboring over the scores and wrangling judges. Second place high-fives to Bazz! I'm totally pleased with the outcome and happy to have been a part of it. Congrats Gargh and Euripides for placing as well.

Leyline - thanks for judging, and I am happy you read my entry. Your comments are totally legitimate; this thing was more of an exercise in hallucinatory time-travel than anything, and what little "story" is there is fairly hard to keep a grip on. Still, I'm thankful for your time and energy.

Shinyford - I was relieved to see your name by the story you entered, since that means it didn't get a score. Thought for sure that one was the winner; exceptional work there. Thank you for reading and scoring my entry, and for generally being a positive force 'round here.

JA - You didn't really miss anything; this thing was purely an adventure through trippy visions. Generally more profound than a single trip, the whole thing was supposed to illustrate the disjointed life of a man whose many acid trips have unhinged a part of his mind. Thanks for judging!

Staffy - Glad you dug it. 'Twas exciting to see that at least one other person "got" the overarching metaphorical gist, which relieves me. I was beginning to think it might be too far-fetched and rambling. Probably still is, but I'm happy you liked it. Nice of you to forfeit your own score to fill in as a judge. 

Terry - Good of you to step up and fill in.


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## Euripides (Sep 1, 2013)

Congrats InkwellMachine!

And thank you so much to the judges for taking the time to score these!

These are a lot of fun, even if I don't ever post what I've written (or thought) for them. I always enjoy seeing what others have done with the prompt.


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## J Anfinson (Sep 1, 2013)

This LM was epic. Congrats to the winners. It was great fun judging this one.

Shinyford and Staff Deployment: Thank you both so much for the compliments. Matter of fact, I'm going to go deflated my head before it swells any bigger


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## Guy Faukes (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks to the judges and congrats to the winners! I had a lot of fun with this one and will definitely have fun penning up the next.

Leyline - I am an admirer of your writing and am grateful that my story was satisfactory. Overall, I have a greater vision for Greer and the world he lives in, and I hope to write a series of shorts about it.

Shinyford - Ahaha! There was indeed a "risque gag", which makes you are a smart man for noticing (and me slightly perverted). Yes, yes, she probably enjoyed the sullied reaction of the patrons around her. 

J Anfinson - "Just shoot her"; you and I think very much alike. If only I had another 300 words, I would've crafted a majestic firefight! And you are too generous; I still have a long way to go as a writer. 

Staff Deployment - I'm very glad that you enjoyed it! I'm a bit insecure with how I write shorts so I'm glad that the notion that this being is a snapshot of a greater story arc resonated well with you.


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## InkwellMachine (Sep 2, 2013)

You know, this is quite a lovely surprise. I sort of just pounded mine out at 3 in the am one morning because I was feeling unproductive, and somehow it managed to place first. Quite unexpected, especially considering the number of quality entries. If anything I suppose this speaks as a testament to spontaneity. 

In any case, I'd of course like to thank the forum for the lovely award. More than that, I'd like to thank the judges for their excellent hard work in seeing to all the pieces. As always, everyone who participated owes a great debt of gratitude to Fin for making the entire process possible.


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## bazz cargo (Sep 2, 2013)

Snarble Floops. Okay everyone, the mob is off. 

Congrats to the participants, gratitude to the judges and,  Fin,  you can come out from under the desk.

Big hug all round


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## BreakingMyself (Sep 2, 2013)

Congrats InkwellMachine!

And thanks to the judges for pointing out my poor structure.


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## PiP (Sep 2, 2013)

Congratulations to InkwellMachine - great story!

Thanks to the judges for feedback. Yes, I agree, my story did end rather abruptly 

Shinyford: 


> Technically  good, and with a voice that created atmosphere well (although I did  find that sometimes the ideolect swung from regional [Scottish?] very  quickly to a standard middle-class English; that could have been more  consistent).


Jake was Irish not Scottish  I worked for an Irish company and there was a young lad just like Jake, even to the way he swore. If you thought he was Scottish I most definitely  need to rewrite, so fair comment.


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## Ghosts of the Maze (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks for the critique. And to answer your questions Leyline and JA, the prompt was the date from hell. I just didn't do a first date. They were young parents, moving across the country out of desperation. He wanted her to leave the baby in the car so they could go back a step, if only for a few moments, to a time before everything got so serious. She spends the meal trying to cheer her husband up and convincing herself that everything is going to be different once they get to their new home. They are in hell.


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## lcg (Sep 3, 2013)

Thank you for the critique. Yes, English is my second language and this does show in my writing. This was just an experimental piece. I wanted to try something different. This time I hope to write a traditional story.


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## Lewdog (Sep 3, 2013)

Thanks for the critiques and your time everyone.  It's odd how I can read someone else's work and spot spelling errors, verb tense issues, run-ons, fragments...you name it.  Yet when I read my own work I can't even spot where I say "Conscious" instead of "Conscience" in the title!  Good grief one of these days something has got to click in my head.  Judges I don't think you give yourself enough credit.  Most of you knew what my piece was about but you just didn't want to believe you did.  :lol:  

A man is sitting down for a glass of wine with his mistress who happens to be his wife's best friend.  As they talk her words sink deep into his mind bringing up thoughts of past transgressions and how he has consistently gotten away with them.  When finally seeing things for what they are, and that his actions had a profound effect on other people, his hell becomes his own conscience.  When finally he is brought full circle to present day, he abruptly decides it's time to break off his affair and come clean with his wife.  Sometimes hell, can simply be reality.


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## Charlaux (Sep 3, 2013)

Thank you for the judges for taking the time to put together this competition, and well done to the winners


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## shinyford (Sep 3, 2013)

pigletinportugal said:


> Congratualations to InkwellMachine - great story!
> 
> Thanks to the judges for feedback. Yes, I agree, my story did end rather abruptly
> 
> ...



To be fair I thought he was Glaswegian, which is often as close to Irish as makes no odds. 

Having re-read it with an Irish accented brain on, it works far more fluidly. No re-writing necessary (unless you want to of course).


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