# I Walk Barefoot In The Forest



## Ell337 (Dec 30, 2016)

_Something a little more serious. _*


I Walk Barefoot In The Forest

*deleted**


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## ned (Dec 30, 2016)

hello -

this is two poems in one, for me.

the first is a scene setter - with wonderful vocabulary, but more or less reportage

the second is the real poem - and it's terrific, with some great ideas held together by a nice assonance.

would consider changing 'rotting leaf mould' and 'sharp' to something less expected.
I reckon there is are better words than 'go' out there....probably, just me

as a rhymester, I love this-
of childhood games between trees
much like these, perhaps the same

cheers
Ned


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## Ell337 (Dec 30, 2016)

Thanks Ned. Actually it's intentionally in two parts - isn't life like that? What we are physically doing in a given moment and then all the metaphysical stuff we carry - memory, thought, dream, hope, pain, - that exist alongside, together, yet separate, because we tend to focus one or the other not both simultaneously.


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## Firemajic (Dec 31, 2016)

Ell337 said:


> _Something a little more serious. _*
> 
> 
> I Walk Barefoot In The Forest*
> ...




I agree with ned, this feels like 2 distinctive poems... well .. about the same subject sure... maybe if you structured this in stanzas it would progress better, as each stanza should lead the reader through your poem, gently shifting the message and the focus...


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## Absolem (Jan 1, 2017)

There's some good imagery here but the thing about this one is that I can't tell if your going for a rhyme scheme or not. You can't have a few rhymes here and there really. Either have a scheme and commit to it or don't.


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## sas (Jan 1, 2017)

Actually, I feel one can have a few rhymes here and there. I no longer intentionally rhyme, but when one falls naturally into place I let it be.


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## Bard_Daniel (Jan 2, 2017)

I felt there was a disconnect between the two stanzas but personally thought your second stanza was the gem.

Just my two cents! Write on!


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## Ell337 (Jan 2, 2017)

danielstj said:


> I felt there was a disconnect between the two stanzas but personally thought your second stanza was the gem.
> 
> Just my two cents! Write on!



I don't know how it works for you, but I'm in the woods collecting mushrooms, then I look up and see the sun slanting through a gap ahead and that triggers a flood of memory, I catch myself on some flipping brambles and in having to deal with it I shake off the trip down memory lane and go free ... but there is there duality - the simple reality - forest, mushrooms, here, now, when suddenly you slip into the 'other' life, the mystical experience, but they can't coexist. You stop being in the mundane for a moment - literally stop because you immersion in the experience is complete - and you end up in the literal thorns if you keep moving which shatters the otherness.


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## ned (Jan 3, 2017)

hello - some might say it is the work of a poet to meld the physical and metaphysical into a third form,
demonstrating that they certainly do co-exist,
for me, this is apparent in much of the second verse of your poem.

there's nothing wrong with the first verse, but read in conjunction, it feels a little superfluous.
Ned


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## sas (Jan 3, 2017)

Often knowing just where to end a poem makes the difference between a mediocre one and a memorable one. If you cannot grab a reader with the first line and the last, scrap it. With that in mind, Fire nailed it with her suggestion to eliminate the last two lines. Let it end here:"I tear free of thorn and memory".   Give the reader credit for knowing there will be a moving on. Good call, Fire.


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## SolitaryMagpie (Jan 7, 2017)

I love the imagery of this; it really is so immersive. You're totally transported and that's one of the things I love most in poetry. I do agree with the others that it sounds like two different poems, or actually a variation of one, singular poem. But then again, you could just interpret it as an abrupt retracting of one's footsteps?  

I have to disagree with Absolem (Though I love their name :mrgreen I don't think a poem should be restrained by following a specific rhythmical pattern. I like naturally occurring rhymes just as much as I do set rhymes.


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