# How To Get Fired From Your Job



## lisajane (Feb 22, 2005)

This is completely uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not sure how this has turned out. Based on true events.

*How To Get Fired From Your Job*

Despite the eleven months of failed job interviews, you didn’t like the job you wound up getting. This isn’t the first time that this has happened, and it’s not the first time that you’ve been fired.

It’s the second time. It’s the second time you’re pleased, too.

You don’t think this is going to look good for your resume. You can’t walk away from the job with a reference but that’s not really necessary until you’re thirty-five years old, up until when you can use the reference that your year 12-homeroom teacher gave you, outlining what a wonderful person you are because you sucked up to him.

Working with customers will never be your high point when it comes to careers. Especially when you have a short temperament and will never be used as a doormat. The big, cheery, yellow poster that was in the staff room of your first job, declaring that THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT was a big, fat lie and you know it. The poster in the room that doesn’t deserve the name of staff room of your second job described the honest truth:

_Yesterday wasn’t so good. Today was bad. Tomorrow will be even worse._

Thinking back, it doesn’t surprise you that you got fired.

***

It’s easy to get fired from any job and all the basic principles are the same. If you work for a secretary, you can accidentally – the word ‘accidentally’ will become part of your vocabulary – spread word of your boss’s affair with the new work experience girl, who has recently gained experience in areas other than making coffee. 

But you don’t actually work as a secretary and you didn’t work as a secretary for your last two jobs, both of which were those that you were fired from. Customer service, you’ve since decided, isn’t your strong point.

The second firing was surprisingly easy – you tried to drown the kids you were teaching at the local swim centre. The manager did like you, but didn’t like the hate mail nor the sudden closure of the centre that was, he assumes, your fault, despite the fact that you tried to convince him that it was accidental.

The manager didn’t like you much at your first job. You know this because she was unimpressed with the fact that you suddenly had to go to Japan for a family get-together at Christmas for the whole week, never mind the fact you signed a contract saying you’d work that week. Christmas is too busy at a department store – why put yourself through the pain and torture? If you ignore the money side.

Anyway, she wasn’t pleased and most of the store heard her anger. You told her where she could shove her anger but you weren’t fired. This possibly had something to do with you being the only person who worked in Menswear.

You’ve always thought that THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT slogan is a load of shit and you don’t hide how you feel. Why should you conform like everyone else at your job? If you do that you’re stuck there for twenty years unless you quit. And you can’t quit, because then they’ll just up the salary until you have to say, ‘yes, I’ll stay because I’m desperate for cash.’

The day that you declared that the customer is always WRONG was also the day you got yourself fired.

You’ve only ever worked in Menswear at that job and didn’t have a clue in the universe where anything else was in the store or the prices or the other junk you’re supposed to know about your own department. You didn’t like when other people went on toilet breaks or lunch breaks because that meant you got stuck with their department phone, of which when it went off, you were completely unhelpful.

You were in a bad mood when you came to work. This didn’t get any better when you choked on the jelly beans you eat while doing the closing shift (which you hate with a _passion_, work’s fine when you don’t get this shift) in order to answer the Kitchenware phone that was attached to your belt. The person from Kitchenware is taking too long on his toilet break, probably climbing out a window to safety, far away from this job, fulfilling the great universal dream.

The closing needs to be done, but you run the seventy-eight kilometres across the store to the cash register anyway. You are greeted by a fat, sweaty, woman who glares at you from beady little blue eyes and who has a three year old stealing chocolate bars clinging to her waist, as well as the sixteen year old gothic chick working the register. You have no idea who these people are and they have no idea who you are, but the chick makes the ground-breaking statement of ‘you’re not Nathan from Kitchenware.’

You don’t know Nathan from Kitchenware but you know you’re not him.

(If your name happens to be Nathan and you happen to work in a Kitchenware department of some store, then this chick knows you well).

You try to explain to the customer that you have absolutely no bloody idea if the price that she’s paying for this toaster is actually higher than the price that was on the tag, like she says it is. The customer really can’t give a shit if you don’t know or not, but you’re told to go find out. You tell her kid to put the chocolate bars back but are told to mind your own goddamned business and to stop abusing her child.

It amazes you that you even know where Kitchenware is; you’ve only ever ran past it on other errands like this, for customers who are always right. You don’t end up finding this make of toaster and run back, breaking the news to this customer that you’re not able to check her request and therefore aren’t able to pull the price down for her. 

‘Well you bloody work here, you ought to bloody well know! You should know where everything is in the store!’

‘I’m sorry, but I don’t work in Kitchenware and – ‘

‘What bloody difference does that make?’ This customer likes the word bloody. ‘I’m telling you, the price was lower. I refuse to be charged for it! You’re stupid if you don’t know the price! I have things to do! I can’t stand here all day and push it through your thick head that the price was lower!’

You just can’t help yourself.

‘IT’S CUSTOMERS LIKE YOU WHO PISS US OFF! You come ROLLING in here all high and mighty and demanding, expecting us to know everything! WE DON’T! It’s not MY problem if you are arguing over the price! I COULDN’T CARE LESS! If you had ANY common sense AT ALL, you would’ve asked someone actually IN Kitchenware about the price! I DON’T work in Kitchenware and wouldn’t HAVE A CLUE about the prices of items IN Kitchenware. You know what? You can TAKE your toaster for the lower price OF WHICH YOU’RE LYING TO US ABOUT ANYWAY and PISS OFF and DON’T COME BACK, and I’m letting you do this because I DON’T have the TIME to be arguing with customers all night! So you can go home with your PRECIOUS TOASTER and your PRECIOUS BABY who, by the way, if you keep allowing to steal chocolate bars will become as fat and ugly and disgusting as you in a short amount of time, believing just like EVERY OTHER CUSTOMER THAT YOU’RE RIGHT, WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE ENTIRELY WRONG! NOW GET OUT!’

You’re told not to come to your next shift, or your shift after that, and your shifts after that won’t be existing anymore.

On your way out, you thank Nathan from Kitchenware for taking so long in the toilet.


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## Ilan Bouchard (Feb 22, 2005)

I liked it.  That's all I have to say about that.

 :? Just kidding.  I'd have to suffocate myself if I did something like that.

Anyways, I DID like it.  It was fun, in a sad way.  I would have preferred if the story were in first or third person, but only because I hate second perspectives.

This line is worth mention; it made me laugh at the thought of some guy climbing out the bathroom to safety.


> The person from Kitchenware is taking too long on his toilet break, probably climbing out a window to safety, far away from this job, fulfilling the great universal dream.


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## demonic_harmonic (Feb 22, 2005)

this was highly amusing. 


i dont normally click on non fiction, but today your title caught my attention.


bravo.


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## QuintetBlue (Feb 22, 2005)

Wonderful! It was funny and clever, but best of all it was interesting. And the line at the end just clinched it. Fantastic job.


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## lisajane (Feb 22, 2005)

Thanks you guys   . I'm not used to writing non-fiction or humour, so this was new for me.

It was written in second person as this was a task that was set in class (write a 'how to...' piece in second person) and I might wind up re-writing this in first person, because I don't think second person suits this entirely.


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## spirituous (Feb 23, 2005)

Oh god this was amazing. Laughing like an idiot at 12 o' clock in the morning. Yup. This is very good.

And first person would probably add to the hilarity so I say go for it.

Good luck.


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## jetmanjake (Feb 23, 2005)

I agree, I'd rewrite it in 1st person.  Also, consider switching around some of the chunks so we don't skip between jobs quite so much.  It's a little disorientating.


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## lisajane (Feb 24, 2005)

Lol glad you like it, Spirituous.

Jetmanjake, which chunks disorientated you? The first section discusses both, the third paragraph of the second section is the second job and all the paragraphs after that are chronological order of the first job.


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## TeachingInAlaska (Feb 25, 2005)

Ha ha... I've always wished I had the nerve to do something like that.


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## jetmanjake (Feb 25, 2005)

I think it's going from the second firing to the first job.  That's probably where I was thrown off.  I had a little trouble keeping the timeline straight.


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## Smurf Mamita (Feb 28, 2005)

that was so awesome!!

personally, I like the second person. But it's up to you.


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## lisajane (Mar 1, 2005)

I'm going to keep it in second. Mostly for the fact that I've moved on from this piece. However, I'll keep it in the pile so one day it might become first.


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## gohn67 (Apr 24, 2005)

Working in at Sears last Summer, I totally connected with this piece.  I loved this piece.  Its great, like usually, LisaJane.  You definitly got a lot of talent.


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