# Bad Day in Baghdad



## ned (Nov 27, 2015)

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## Firemajic (Nov 27, 2015)

ned... wow... well I am impressed as hell.. the rhyme scheme you used is hard to pull of without sounding like Dr Seuss...but you racked, packed and stacked your lines and this is fabulous...The story you told is haunting and painful to read.. also, unforgettable... you have some maddd writing skills and it thrills me to read your work...


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## shedpog329 (Nov 27, 2015)

"The chink in my armour is now a red rose." Favorite line, well done!


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## Doc Martin (Nov 27, 2015)

As one who ran to the cries of the wounded, I appreciate this piece for many reasons.


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## Bard_Daniel (Nov 28, 2015)

Ominous as ever. 

Good work Ned!


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## inkwellness (Nov 29, 2015)

> Then a glint of light where the juniper grows
> A sniper’s report, and I am chose
> The chink in my armour is now a red rose
> I fall to the sand, my body froze.



I found this to be the part that stood out the most. It was an intense piece from start to finish. The emotion was apparent. I too served in the forces so I can relate to much of this. Thank you for sharing this poem with us.


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## Mesafalcon (Nov 29, 2015)

Ya. I like rhymes.

Great read.


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## ned (Nov 30, 2015)

thanks everyone for reading and your kind comments -

Inky, just to put the record straight - I've never served or seen any action
'but I've seen some on TV' as Joker said in Full Metal Jacket - my major source.
- but I'm glad that it chimes for real - that's very encouraging, and I thank you for that.

cheers Ned


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## inkwellness (Dec 1, 2015)

ned said:


> thanks everyone for reading and your kind comments -
> 
> Inky, just to put the record straight - I've never served or seen any action
> 'but I've seen some on TV' as Joker said in Full Metal Jacket - my major source.
> ...



You're welcome. Keep up the diligent work.


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## Bosco (Dec 2, 2015)

Good job. The rhymes are pretty solid.

Maybe consider changing chose and froze:



> Then a glint of light where the juniper grows
> A sniper’s report, and I am chosen
> The chink in my armour is now a red rose
> I fall to the sand, my body frozen.



I think you want to use an adjective to modify "I" and that would be "chosen." And then the adjective "frozen," would modify "body."

Thanks for the read. Cheers.


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## ned (Dec 4, 2015)

hello Bosco - thanks for reading and commenting

If this piece was straight foreward, common or garden prose - you'd probably be right
but it's poetry, rhymes or not, and I revel in that licence - and so should we all.
a small consolation afforded in an artform already riddled with enough contrived rules and considerations.

let the fiction scratchers vie for spot-on grammar - we poets seek higher goals.

cheers Ned


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## Bosco (Dec 7, 2015)

ned said:


> hello Bosco - thanks for reading and commenting
> 
> If this piece was straight foreward, common or garden prose - you'd probably be right
> but it's poetry, rhymes or not, and I revel in that licence - and so should we all.
> ...



I'm aware of the freedom and license afforded by poetry.

And sorry, I was just taken out of it by those particular word choices, so I wasn't really paying attention to the overall rhyme scheme.

That said, it reads like you've ignored more conventional grammar just to service the rhyme, and to me, it comes across as forced.

I'd also hesitate to lump all poets together as some amorphous "we." Tastes and preferences differ. 

It also seems that this could get rather tedious if everyone's opinion or critique was met with some reminder that this is poetry and we all have the license to do what we want. Don't you think?


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## Hairball (Dec 7, 2015)

I like it Ned.

I was there too. I'm not ready to talk about it but I'm glad you are.


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## Hairball (Dec 7, 2015)

ned said:


> thanks everyone for reading and your kind comments -
> 
> Inky, just to put the record straight - I've never served or seen any action
> 'but I've seen some on TV' as Joker said in Full Metal Jacket - my major source.
> ...



Never saw action?

I did. I got this all wrong. It's a good poem still....but as a veteran I thought it was your story.

Well, it's still great!


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## ned (Dec 7, 2015)

hello Bosco - of course, not every comment is dismissed by waving my licence - 
but the phrase, as written, falls into my venacular and sounds OK to me -
but, obviously does not fall into yours - _c'est la vie.

_
_and, of course, all poets tastes and preferences differ - I didn't say otherwise
I only suggested that we are united in not striving for perfect grammar - but now, I'm having second thoughts!

thanks for your time and your input.

_
hello Hairball - you should never assume that every poem is a confessional - it restricts the writer and the reader.
 - did the beatles really live in a yellow submarine?

thanks for taking the time to comment and your kind words

Ned


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## paryno (Dec 8, 2015)

I'm very impressed! Good work. Keep up the good work, I was intrigued the entire time I was reading. Keep it up!


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## RHPeat (Dec 9, 2015)

A well written rhyming poem using a single rhyme. What holds this together so well is your consistent and strong cadence within the lines. It's cohesive to the rhyme and form/content. It makes a powerful poem. Nicely done. I enjoyed the read, but I have say the monostich is wasted on me. I'd think it would be stronger on the line intended. Or else create a mid-line rhyme and than break it off. But I'd still be partial to the line ending where it belongs. It's not a distraction as it is now. It pulled me out of the poem on closure which is so crucial to the intent of the complete poem. 

A poet friend
RH Peat.


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## fpak (Dec 10, 2015)

"Through the blast-wall, our bravado shows
We hit the streets in formation rows
And like a cartoon prophet we thumb our nose
Caress our rifles and strike the pose.

We are the men, we suppose"

I really like these lines. There is an almost naive bravado to these lines. It makes me realise that these are boys not men. It makes me realize how sad this all is.

Well done!!


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## ned (Dec 10, 2015)

hello all, thank you for reading and your comments

Fpak - I'm glad that aspect came across - that's very encouraging

RHP - "consistent and strong cadence within the lines. It's cohesive to the rhyme and form/content." -
you put it into words what I was aiming for (honest rhyming) so, thanks for that. 
and also for your take on the ending - it does seem a bit melodramatic and will edit.

cheers    Ned


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