# Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger



## ClancyBoy (Dec 11, 2007)

I may be alone in this, but I think this book is absolutely brilliant.  For those of you who have no idea what the hell, Real Ultimate Power is written in the format of a guidebook about ninjas written by an extremely hyperactive preadolescent boy, telling why they are so awesome, their superpowers, etc etc.

That part is hilarious by itself, but along the way, in the text itself and in the footnotes, the book also tells the story of a miserable boy neglected and abused by his parents, forced to take calming medication, and possibly also sexually molested by his babysitter, though that isn't really clear.

I'll post a couple excerpts.



> I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when
> I'm lying in the backyard and I'm thinking about ninjas for more
> than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they're small, but sometimes
> they're humongous. Mom caught me one time when this
> ...





> Though you never know when somebody is a frigg'n liar, I
> think my best friend Mark's stories are true. One night, I slept
> over at his house and he told me that for the last week a ninja
> was hanging out in his backyard, behind the shed. I was like,
> ...





> Q: Why do your parents fight all the time?
> A: It's not because they're ninjas or anything. I think it's because
> my dad probably isn't my real dad. You see, I sometimes think
> that a ninja secretly had vaginal sex with my mom so that he
> ...






> The REAL Ultimate Test [to tell if someone is a ninja]
> 1. Get a baby carrot from the crispy drawer. (You don't need
> anything bigger.)
> 2. Put the carrot in the freezer until it's completely freezing
> ...


I don't know if this is postmodernism or not, but I love it.  I've read this book four times already.


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## Shawn (Dec 11, 2007)

Sounds hilarious. I'm going to have to pick up a copy. Ha. Frozen carrot.


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## ClancyBoy (Dec 11, 2007)

> *Meditation*
> Some people ask me how ninjas can be harmonious with nature
> when they're constantly kicking people in the nuts. Well, they just
> can—so don't worry about it. They meditate and think about what
> ...


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## m alexander (Sep 21, 2011)

*copyright laws*

surely you are breaking copyright laws for putting parts of his book here, and breaking forum rules.


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## RM Americano (Oct 3, 2011)

He put this stuff up on the internet years ago we used to laugh about it in junior high.

I think the book came later as a collection of all of his web jokes (with edited spelling, finally).

www.realultimatepower.net


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## RM Americano (Oct 3, 2011)

Also, ninjas hate pirates.  

Get it?


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