# Chores



## Darren White (May 25, 2017)

This is the first time I am posting one of my poems here. Although I am shy, I am most certainly not afraid of critique.

*Chores*

Spin, twirl, they swirl...
Mesmerized I sit
And watch colours mix,match.... hopefully.

​Here is that sock,it gapes and screams,
silenced by the brief,
strangled by failed shirr.

​Humm and purrs,white one-eyed cat alike
(_Sneeze, washing-powder_​_allergy_.) 

​To fall asleep
so soothingly lulled
to oblivion, 
nakedly in wait
for my beloved 
belongings.​


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## John 3 (May 25, 2017)

I don’t think watching a washing machine could inspire me to write a poem, so big kudos for that. Just a personal thought, I think your stanzas end lines could be strengthened as they fall away a little from the proceeding lines and I would change ‘beloved’ for the more personal feel of a girl’s name.  
Overall a good start, I shall be watching your work.

Regards
John


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## Darren White (May 25, 2017)

Thank you! I come from a site where you can place each line at a specific place, each word, each letter, and I need to get used to the editing window here, because that's not possible. Could you please elaborate a little on what you mean by strengthening my stanza end lines? I am not sure I fully understand what you mean 

I understand what you mean by the 'beloved' and a name. But here the word belongs to the belongings. If that is indeed not clear, I need to think of a different phrasing....


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## aj47 (May 25, 2017)

Darren White said:


> This is the first time I am posting one of my poems here. Although I am shy, I am most certainly not afraid of critique.
> 
> *Chores*
> 
> ...



I like this.  I love the description of the sock That stanza, messed with, could be it's own piece. 

Welcome to open Poetry board.  

About the formatting.  We have a trick.  Put periods or some other non-space character to move your text around, then highlight it with your cursor and use the text-color button to color it white and it disappears. leaving your text where you want it.  

like ...... this.


EDITED TO ADD (ETA):  I think John 3 may have thought you meant the belongings were someone else's--your beloved's.


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## Darkkin (May 25, 2017)

Darren White said:


> This is the first time I am posting one of my poems here. Although I am shy, I am most certainly not afraid of critique.
> 
> *Chores*
> 
> ...



I like the idea, but my basic reasoning has too many questions to really appreciate the piece...I know it's poetry, but things like logic and physical laws, (gravitational pull) still apply.  And oddly laundry is one of my favourite chores, so I like sinking into the minutia of it with all of my senses engaged.  Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste...There is none of that included here.

- D. the T.


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## Darren White (May 25, 2017)

Hah, thank you, both of you 
Seeing the above, I don't think it's worth it to even try and improve this poem....
There is just too much wrong with it. I'll keep it for now and let it for a while, looking at it some other time, with your suggestions in mind.


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## aj47 (May 25, 2017)

Putting it away and coming back to it after awhile is a good approach.  This is true for any piece, not specific to this one.  You might want to work on something else with spaces though so you can practice the technique I mentioned.  

I've seen laundry in a washeteria so I know about how socks and other things appear distorted in the window.  You captured that well.  "alike" is the wrong word.  it's intransitive .... two things are alike.  they are like each other.  It's a non-native speaker type of misstep and I failed to notice it .... I spend a lot of time in a programming chatroom with non-native speakers.


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## Darren White (May 25, 2017)

astroannie said:


> Putting it away and coming back to it after awhile is a good approach.  This is true for any piece, not specific to this one.  You might want to work on something else with spaces though so you can practice the technique I mentioned.
> 
> I've seen laundry in a washeteria so I know about how socks and other things appear distorted in the window.  You captured that well.  "alike" is the wrong work.  it's intransitive .... two things are alike.  they are like each other.  It's a non-native speaker type of misstep and I failed to notice it .... I spend a lot of time in a programming chatroom with non-native speakers.



Non-native speaker mistakes, you'll come across many of them as long as I am here 

So yes, thanks for explaining, or else I'll never understand.

To practice the spacing technique you mentioned, I am going to put one up here tomorrow. A simple one, not the one where the screen is filled with loose letters.....


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## Tiashe (May 25, 2017)

Congrats on posting your first poem here! I really like the last stanza; it sounds so innocent. xD


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## Darren White (May 26, 2017)

Tiashe said:


> Congrats on posting your first poem here! I really like the last stanza; it sounds so innocent. xD



Thank you


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## Firemajic (May 28, 2017)

Darren White said:


> This is the first time I am posting one of my poems here. Although I am shy, I am most certainly not afraid of critique.
> 
> *Chores*
> 
> ...






Hello, Darren, Thank you for posting your charming poem.... OOOoo, I remember posting my first poem here.... thank goodness I had some wonderful, wise, kind mentors.... anyway, you have already received so helpful critique, so I will only add that I completely enjoyed your unique subject matter, being creative and original are 2 of my favorite things... I thought your imagery was ok... like DarKKin suggested, I would love it if you had engaged all of my senses... there is something soothing and comforting to hear the dryer humming and to smell the scent of clean clothes... although, I never get around to folding my stuff... hahaa... anyway... I am looking forward to reading more of your work... welcome aboard


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## Darren White (May 28, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Hello, Darren, Thank you for posting your charming poem.... OOOoo, I remember posting my first poem here.... thank goodness I had some wonderful, wise, kind mentors....



Thank you for your wonderful reply.
Yes, it's incredibly frightening, but I like it the same time.
The poem is in the refrigerator for the time being


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