# January 2013 - LM - Waiting For The Sun - Scores



## Fin (Jan 27, 2013)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Waiting For The Sun
*There’s language in some of the reviews. Beware.*


Apologies for the delay, folks! But at last, the results are in! Lots of entries this time around. A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, *Foxee, Leyline*, and *Jon M* for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Thanks also goes out to *Lasm* for the suggested prompt.


*Scores*​
*Fin**Foxee**Leyline**Jon M**Average**Arcopitcairn*1315181816*the antithesis*1417161415.25*Leyline*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/A*Circadian*1220151214.75*Jamie*161818.51617.12*popsprocket*1312161213.25*Staff Deployment*1416151515*Lewdog*1617171315.75*Lasm*1715202018*namesake*1112141011.75*Foxee*N/AN/AN/AN/AN/A*bazz cargo*1617171416*Bad Craziness*1718181617.25*Brock*1512171414.5*FleshEater*1516171415.5*Tiamat*1819191718.25*squidtender*1720171517.25*Anna Buttons*1717201717.75*BenTurnbull*1617181516.5*moderan*1820201919.25*Garza*1817191717.75*allyson17white*1014141212.5*Kevin*1616181616.5


In third place, we have *lasm* with her entry *Plantation: 2268.*
In second, we have *Tiamat* with her entry *Maintenance.*
And finally, in first, a big congratulations to *moderan* with his entry *Waiting For The Sun.*


Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for a good read.

[spoiler2=Fin's scores]

*Arcopitcairn
"2 Vampires Meet 4 Mummies"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: 13*

Besides one line in there, the prompt fit-in feels nonexistent.

Spelling and grammar almost flawless. There were some problems in there with capitalization inside of the parentheses. Shouldn’t have been any. There was an instance where you also capitalized the word ‘came’ after your dialogue where it shouldn’t have been.

The storyline was dull. Generic bad guy attacking for no apparent reason other than he feels like it. I feel like the first part of the story could’ve been replaced with something completely different.


*the antithesis
"Morning"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

Didn’t see any any spelling or grammar issues. Tone was consistent as well.

I just wasn’t a big fan of the story itself. The dialogue felt unrealistic towards the end. Where the girl spoke about all the things she wouldn’t get to do. Or rather, emotionless. There wasn’t anything to grab onto.

In short stories, you have a little amount of time to make the reader care about the characters they’re reading about. You gave nothing to make me care about the characters. In the end, there were facing their unavoidable death, and I didn’t think twice about it. I just didn’t care. Gotta give some type of something to make me care about those characters, so if they die I’d at least feel something.


*Leyline
"Morningsong"*
*Judge Entry*

Enjoyed this, as I do with all of your stories that I’ve read. All the good things a short story needs. The suspense of who _she_ was, and having it end up being his daughter makes it a lot more original than it would have been if it was just a lover. Saw no grammatical errors.

Love the story. Thanks for sharing.


*Circadian
"Aside from the Fire"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 12 *

Wasn’t a big fan of the ending. Felt like it didn’t belong to the same story.

There were some spacing issues throughout this.

Not really sure where the story was heading, exactly.


*Jamie
"The Count of Wonky Bigtoe"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

The thing that had me most distracted were the names. They were overly done, I feel.

It was a fun read though! Enjoyed reading it! Comedy isn’t really my thing so I can’t really give any advice, besides the whole name thing.


*popsprocket
"Erica"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 13*

Some punctuation problems.

Seemed like only part of the story. Lots of unanswered questions by the end. You could’ve filled up the word count a little more to answer those questions. I couldn’t connect much to the characters, either.


*Staff Deployment
"Pole Station"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

Nothing really brought me into the story. No real people to connect with. The things that would get me to feel are vague. I suggest adding more elements to the story to make it work. Character elements, to be precise. Needs someone to bring me to care for the story.


*Lewdog
"Dirt Nap"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

In my technical point of view, being a judge and all, this story began not so well. Two grammatical mistakes in the first sentence! I didn’t know what to think. The two mistakes being:

“The lights seems to flicker” - Either ‘The light seems to flicker’ or ‘The lights seem to flicker’ would be correct.

The other mistake was you used the wrong version of ‘its’.  “It’s” purely means ‘It is’ or ‘It has’. This is one of those instances where this is an exception to the rule. The possessive form of that word is simply ‘its’.

The story smoothed out though. It still has multiple grammatical mistakes that a quick read through would’ve fixed, but it was readable. There were commas used in places where I believe a period would have served better. Full capitalization of words isn’t really necessary to me. Or, better said, I just don’t like it.

The story itself, though I didn’t care too much about his death, kept me interested. I like his story. It was interesting I’d read it again. The tone is what made this story great. His attitude was great. Unrealistic as it may seem, I’ve clearly never been in that situation so I’m not one to judge how someone would feel in that precise moment. I enjoyed the story, though. Thanks for entering.


*Lasm
"Plantation: Spring 2268"
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7
Overall: 17*

I’m not too sure what happened here. The story is a bit hidden, it seems.

Saw no grammatical mistakes except the ones that I know to be intentional due to your style.

I did enjoy the read though, despite the story not being completely in my face.


*namesake
"The Jewel-Eyed Lady"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11*

You edited your story six days later. Should be grounds for disqualification but I’ll let it slide this time. Careful of the no editing after ten minutes rule, though.

Story was pretty confusing. Read it multiple times and still don’t know exactly what it was about.

*Foxee*
*Judge Entry*

I enjoyed this. The dancing was clear in my head. Great imagery. Nice job, and thanks for sharing.


*bazz cargo
"Noir"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

Small scene of a bigger story is what it seems like. Could’ve done with more detail, more of the bigger picture. Didn’t care much for any of the characters. I was interested in learning about them but I won’t be getting the chance. Her personality of what I’ve seen was interesting.


*Bad Craziness
"TEMPE, Mitchell. ID: 0059912"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

Enjoyed the story. Was a great read. Great job with the dialogue. Felt realistic. Don’t know why, but it really reminded me of Tony Soprano.

Thanks for entering.


*Brock
"The Last Sunset"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

Enjoyed the story. The ending was a bit iffy, but I was caught up in it up to that part. It wasn’t all that realistic, either. But I was entertained. Fun read. Thanks for entering.


*FleshEater
"TheMonsterThatIsMan"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: 15*

The first thing that threw me off was the child’s dialogue. Felt way too forced to feel right. I get that you were trying to show his young age but I feel like you just went overboard. Tried a little too hard with it.

The story kind of felt like it went nowhere. Had to reread it to know exactly what happened. I feel like the beginning isn’t strong enough for this type of story to work. The child was more annoying than anything else, unfortunately. His dialogue really did ruin every part of the story where he was the focus.

The story just didn’t work for me like I wanted it to. Grammatically sound, and the tone was consistant. Despite not being a big fan of the story itself, the imagery was great. Clear picture in my head the entire time. Nice job with that.


*Tiamat
“Maintenance”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

Saw no grammatical errors.

The story made me feel, so I liked it. A sad tale. The imagery was great. Very well done. Heart warming.

First story I’ve read from you. Definitely a great first impression.


*squidtender
"Six Steps"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

A bit of the inner thought feels like it could be removed. The flow also wasn’t what I wanted it to be. It was repetitive enough for me to notice. By that, I mean the majority of the sentences in this story start out with a form of ‘I’ or ‘she/her’. Give your story a read through again with this in mind and you’ll see what I mean. I feel like you should get a little more creative with how you layout your sentences. If beginning most of the sentences like this was intentional, then scratch what I said. But it still doesn’t really work for me.

Saw no grammatical problems. Tone was on target the entire time as well.

The story itself is a good one. I enjoyed it. Has the right amount of emotion that a short story needs to be successful. Nice work.


*Anna Buttons
"Tick Tock"
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

Great story. Flows nicely. Saw no grammatical mistakes and the tone was fine. I love reading diary entries and this almost felt like one at times, so that helped out my enjoyment of this wonderfully


*BenTurnbull
"A Funeral"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

Touching story. Spelling and grammar were fine. Tone was as well. Some of the lines throughout the story felt unneeded. Too many details it seemed, maybe.

There’s a limited word count so I can’t expect too much, but some of the characters feel like they aren’t important as they should be. You could do with working ont hat to give more depth to a character.


*moderan
"Waiting For The Sun"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

Had no idea what to think when I first saw the format. But I was entertained all the way through. Saw no grammatical mistakes. Tone was fine.

Fun ride. I’d go again. Thanks for entering.


*Garza
"Sunrise"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: 18*

No real complaints. As always, I enjoyed your story. I can’t really say much because I feel you’re a lot better of a writer than I am. Nice to see an entry from you again.

Saw no grammatical mistakes. Tone was spot on. Great writing.


*allyson17white
"Waiting For The Sun"
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 4
Overall: 10 *

You could have broken this up into paragraphs. As it stands, it’s a it difficult to read and takes me out of the story. Even after re-reading and trying to get into it, it still just didn’t work out.


*Kevin
"Palmdale"
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

Great tone. Interesting format of your story. Wasn’t really sure how to score the grammar on this. The imagery is also great.

Only problem I had was probably the repetition with the way it was written.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Foxee's scores]

*Arcopitcairn
“2 Vampires Meet 4 Mummies”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15*

Your job from the outset was to somehow get me to like a vampire/mummy story and I did read the whole thing with mild interest. I really liked the word 'Mummetry' and the fact that you had an explanation for it was pretty good. On the downside I'd like to see more thought put into pushing characters so that they're less generic. Also, just shooting the guy in the fez seemed pretty easy and overall the small plot seemed very convenient (not much tension when your vampires are pretty much invincible). The fascination with the mummies was kind of cute. All in all both enjoyed it more than I expected to and wished it had a lot more of a twist on the cliched undead archetypes.


*the antithesis
“Morning”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10  
Overall: 17*

I like that the dialogue carried the story, that can be difficult to do and yet you kept it simple and I think overall it worked nicely. When I got to the idea of the sun becoming liquified my brain threw a flag on the field but I was able to work around it. The story has a nice innocence in the face of approaching doom while at the same time allowing your characters to be a little world-wise in that they knew that there would be many things that they'd never do. The final image was very pretty and easy to see. Nice job.  


*Leyline
“Morningsong”*
*Judge Entry*

You already know a bit of what I thought of this because I just had to PM you some comments. I loved the build-up, not knowing exactly who 'she' was (I thought at first an estranged wife or something) and then finding out that 'she' was a daughter same age as one of mine just plucked the right string for me to resonate to. You evoked the fierce joy of parenthood very, very well, too. The final line is lyrical and the exact right note for the ending. Beautiful with enough bitter mixed in to keep it from sappiness. Great job, if I was scoring this it would be an easy 20.


*Circadian
“Aside from the Fire”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20*

I really enjoyed reading this! The soldier camp had a familiarity to it that grounded the story even while you pushed it. Bayonets, coffee, face plates, force fields I love how you didn't have to give a brand name or technical designation for everything, it made it very believable and just flowed in my favorite sci-fi tradition. The sun was well worth waiting for and brought shades of Terry Pratchett into the picture which was great, too. Overall, for me, this story kicked butt.


*Jamie
“The Count of Wonky Bigtoe”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18*

This was fun to read, tight and witty. Maybe a little heavy on the ellipses usage but it worked. Nice job.


*popsprocket
“Erica”
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 12*

Knocking two points off for misuse of ellipses and other distracting punctuation inconsistencies. What you've done here is widely accepted on the internet but I don't think yet so much if you wished to send this to someone else to publish. Some of your punctuation seemed to be a little arbitrary, too, such as the semicolon in 'No; it was worth it.' seemed awfully heavy duty when a comma would have done just as well and there were some inconsistencies with commas. Moving on to 'effect', I think that you developed the idea of your character struggling and dying for longer than you did developing the story. You could probably cut just a few words of that description and round out what he really longs for a bit more (plus you had more words in reserve if you needed them). While this was meant to be very sad it didn't   reach past the intellectual level to the emotional one, and I think that's what you were aiming for.


*Staff Deployment
“Pole Station”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 16*

This was clear and easy to understand, I liked the imagery (especially the description of the storms)and I think you did a good job of giving the reader the idea of what this would be like. Where I have to rate it less than perfect is that I feel like this is an appetizer, I really want more from it. There were 269 more words that you had available to really knock our socks off, they might have been well-used to shock, surprise, scare or even just help us sympathize more deeply with your characters rather than remaining distanced from them.


*Lewdog
“Dirt Nap”
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10  
Overall: 17*

I think this might be the first story of yours that I've read and I was impressed by the consistency of the tone and voice in it. You gave your character some rich history and managed to compose it into an interesting narrative, I liked it much more than I expected to. There were some punctuation foibles, I've been knocking off a point for the much-loved but much-misused ellipses. While they're used in the way you've incorporated them here a lot on the internet to convey tone of voice, that isn't their proper usage and if you handed this off to a publisher I think that would have to be changed. I'm also not a fan of using capitalized words for emphasis, the words themselves carry enough weight. You didn't really need a comma after 'the big sleep'.



> ...why would a governor want to save someone that told him to, "go fuck himself?"


 This is a direct quote so just say what your character said, verbatim (and capitalize the first word, too, probably unless there was more leading up to that in which case you can use your ellipses there) and also put your question mark outside of the quotes. So it would be: ...why would a governor want to save someone that told him to, “Go fuck yourself”?


*lasm
“Plantation: Spring 2268”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 15*

Lasm, I've read this over a couple of times now. The departure from punctuation rules was effective in creating a separate, more primitive voice (human, I guess). It also sounded very faint in my head, even when it was supposed to be loud, as though it was being suppressed. The italicized 'machine' parts sounded much louder, definite,and pitiless. Full marks for both the creative usage of grammar/punctuation and for tone & voice. Very consistent and a risk well taken.  Unfortunately, while I can capture the larger sense of what is happening (Humans subjugated by tech on a possibly hydroponic farm) the story is blurry. There is something about a teenaged girl bitten by a spider and/or stung by bees and freaking out at her mother about someone or something else. Even with re-readings I couldn't dig the story out of this.


*namesake
“The Jewel-Eyed Lady”
Spelling/Grammar: ⅖
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12*

One of the first things that I noticed was the over-use of the word 'sun'. Even though that word is very important to your story, it is often good to re-structure sentences so as to avoid repetitions of a word too often. For instance, 'The sun was bright' is probably unnecessary, it's pretty obvious and you have opportunities to point out the brightness later.   Some of your word choices might cause more confusion than you'd like. For instance, 'Some people survived under the sun basking in the countryside.' should probably use a different word than 'basking' which has pleasant connotations. If they are surviving the sun's heat then it may be 'baking', 'scorching', 'withering' the countryside. Something like that.  I know that grammar is something you're working on with English. This was understandable to a degree but the story is still muddled. I have the overall sense that the jewel-Eyed lady began using people(?) somehow for a new energy source which was unforgivable. I liked the idea of people 'bathing in the sun' and would like to see that be more descriptive. There was a point-of-view issue. Your narrator says, 'How it happened I did not know and I was just an observer.' and then a few lines later says, 'When she saw someone pass away she felt less human each time.' The narrator was only an observer so he/she wouldn't know how the lady felt unless she told him/her.  I liked the overall ideas and I hope this helps to some degree. 


*bazz cargo
“Noir”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 17*

You managed to tell this really briefly by hanging your story on the preexisting framework of the genre and I think it worked overall quite well. I liked seeing a story told from the femme fatal's POV as opposed to the gumshoe's and you definitely captured the noir feeling of isolation and darkness, especially contrasted with the tone of the beginning. I do wish for a little more to the story, maybe a little kick in the pants or twist of some kind that sets the story apart from the cliches of the genre a little bit more (yes, I'm aware that noir is practically made up of cliches) though overall I think you did well with it.


*Bad Craziness
“TEMPE, Mitchell. ID 0059912”
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10  
Overall: 18*

Good read, your decision to leave out quotation marks was something I didn't even notice until I had read the story and went back to look at the beginning to score it. So I would say it worked and that's not why I'm knocking off the point for grammar. The dialogue flowed beautifully, your characters' voices remain distinct and consistent, and there's no break in the flow. As I've mentioned to a few other people, ellipses are getting to be a little too prevalent and I don't think you've gone crazy with them but at the same time using them to trail off at the end reminded me of a particularly bad RPG writer than I know. Best to just use a period/full stop and be done with it. Also, your use of apostrophes was somewhat inconsistent. Overall, though, good job.


*Brock
“The Last Sunset”
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 12*

This story suffers from the feeling that drama is being imposed on it or injected into it without actual tension occurring. I wondered, if this killer has been killing for periods this long for six years, why on earth is anyone still living there? It didn't really ring true. The kiss with Nicole going limp seemed awfully romance-book-coverish to me as well as her abrupt change from fear and anger to sexual arousal. Not that it can't happen, but this seemed convenient, not real. Tone/Voice: I'm not in love with the present-tense chosen for the story because it feels very stilted. It is part of what is keeping true tension at bay. Also, the behavior and emotions of the characters seemed to be capriciously written. I think it would have been more effective to start with her case of nerves (the rattling of the bottle against the glass, etc) and build up to her shouting and throwing the glass rather than just jumping in with yelling. Words like 'yell' and 'scream' together with many exclamation points might be technically correct but they're too insistent, as though you're expecting them to build a feeling that is better generated by pacing your story more carefully. Grammar: The first sentence alone is wordy and awkward, not a strong start. Generally the word 'sun' isn't capitalized.


*FleshEater
“TheMonsterThatIsMan”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10  
Overall: 16*

Competently written, might have been scary except that I had a hard time with the decision that the MC made not to try and go to his wife's rescue. Because I kept feeling so strongly that he wouldn't, already armed and with his child hidden, just stay and sit listening to her be brutalized I felt a bit like I was being played, like the whole thing was a setup so that you could make room for the horror part of him listening to what happened. Of course, this is subjective, you've got to make these decisions when you write, it just threw the whole thing off for me.


*Tiamat
“Maintenance”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10  
Overall: 19*

Well done, I liked the title and the observation that it came from. Altogether good story with sweetness and sadness balanced out with a tang of annoyance from the replaced bench.


*Squidtender
“Six Steps”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20*

Beautiful job layering the reactions of the GF in with the reluctance that your MC feels knowing what he's about to cause. Has the flow, touches the prompt, carries the emotion in a very real way without going overboard into melodrama. Really well done, I applaud you, sir.


*Anna Buttons
“Tick Tock”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10  
Overall: 17*

This carried gently along from beginning to end without surprises and I could identify with a lot of it. Feels very personal, kind of like a journal entry. Keys in just fine with the prompt.


*BenTurnbull
“A Funeral”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10  
Overall: 17*

Nice story, touched on the prompt and was appropriately somber. Having the grandfather be the one asking for answers was all right, a little ironic, though the answer (even though it served the prompt and the story) felt too preachy. You even go for the line 'perhaps there is a lesson to be gleaned from her death' but it turns out to be nothing much more than a philosophical-sounding 'time heals all wounds'. Perhaps removing the part about a 'lesson' would help soften that.


*moderan
“Waiting for the Sun”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10  
Score: 20*

I saw your name and knew this would be a trip; boy did you ever deliver! You've given reality a hard tweak and somehow managed to frame these little quick vivid moments just enough so that it all hangs together. The puns were absolutely fun and I enjoyed the mixture of dark and bright images cobbled into a bizarre collage. The Dracula punchline made me laugh out loud (literally). Overall this does exactly what a good flash fiction should do; it gave me a reading experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. Thanks!


*Garza
“Sunrise”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Scores: 17*

Well-written attempted heist, that's a lot to cram into the word limit considering that whole novels are written about such machinations. With that in mind I think you chose the right place to start it, you revealed the backstory with wisely-chosen pacing, and it's clear as a bell (no surprise there considering your journalism background). I've knocked a point off for tone & voice simply because you're handling several characters here and, difficult though I know it is, the voices all sounded alike. You had a few more words remaining, those could have been wisely chosen to turn up the differences between characters and bring more senses into play than the mainly visual as it's written now. Overall, though, good story in the word limit.


*allyson17white
“Waiting for the Sun”
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10
Score: 14*

While I've been told that writing a story without breaking it up into paragraphs is a legitimate way to write, I find that the effect is that of a wall of text which interferes with my reading. The choice to leave paragraph breaks out made this a hard slog to get through a very short story. The voice is pretty consistent and told in a headlong breathless rush. Overall it just didn't quite work for me.


*Kevin
“Palmdale”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10  
Score: 16*

Very enthusiastic use of semicolons and colons with the choppy, fragmented pace. Ellipses use seemed to be okay though it was getting a little heavy. You definitely got across the feeling of really hard and seemingly never-ending work. There wasn't a story that really took me along with it, just the feel of the experience.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Leyline's scores]

*Arcopitcairn
“2 Vampires Meet 4 Mummies”
Score: 18*

Hilarious, and very well written, but I couldn't really see that you used the prompt at all. SPAG was excellent, terrific tone and great effect. I just wished you'd worked the prompt in somehow.


*the antithesis
“Morning”
Score: 16*

Didn't notice any SPAGnits, and the tone was solid and melancholy throughout. But I didn't really buy the girls excuse for not granting such a simple little last request from a guy she supposedly cared about. She just came off as kind of selfish and dumb.


*Leyline
“Morningsong”
Judge Entry*

N/A


*Circadian
“Aside From The Fire”
Score: 15*

Good SPAG, and some strong writing. The dialogue fell sort of flat for me, sorry to say. And your ending just left me saying 'Huh?' Nothing really happens here, and the story seemed to be just a setup for a jokey climax that didn't work in my opinion.


*Jamie
“The Count Of Wonky Bigtoe”
Score: 18.5*

Fun and very funny! Good SPAG, humorous and slightly gothic tone throughout. The effect is a little down because I was distracted a bit by the overly comic-effect names, and because the very first thing I thought when Hurtpile described his plan was "What? Vampires can't have curtains?" Still, a terrific story and bravo to you for doing something comedic in what has been a mostly depressing batch of entries.


*popsrocket
“Erica”
Score: 16*

Strongly written, with some really nice poetic moments. Just a couple of SPAGnits: a period in quote tags that should be a comma and a missing 'the' near the end. But I'm afraid I don't get it. Who was Erica? How did he get to see her? I assume she was important to the story, since you titled it after her, but she simply seems introduced out of nowhere and you don't do anything with her.


*Staff Deployment
“Pole Station”
Score: 15*

Well written, excellent SPAG -- but this reads like a synopsis to a much more interesting story rather than a story. There's no character or emotion to draw me in. I found it hard to care much for a generalized 'We.'


*Lewdog
“Dirt Nap”
Score: 17*

Interesting monologue. There were some wonky tense issues and an apostrophe or two out of place, but nothing major. I had a hard time caring that the guy was going to die, though, since even he didn't seem to care. Left me a bit cold, to be honest.


*lasm
“Plantation: Spring 2268”
Score: 20*

Beautiful and damned near perfect. A fantastic idea, gorgeously rendered. The contrast of technical description and poetic exposition heightened the emotion greatly for me. I'm a sucker for prisoner stories in the first place. The last line gave me chills. Fantastic work.


*namesake
“The Jewel Eyed Lady”
Score: 14*

I'm afraid I just don't get it, namesake. There are some striking and beautiful moments here, but it's basically opaque to me, even after several readings.


*Foxee
“By Heart”
Score: N/A*

A lovely little piece, Foxee. Even without any overt mystical elements, it comes across as a fable. Loved the descriptions of the dancing.


*bazz cargo
“Noir”
Score: 17*

Evocative and excellent use of language. Terrific noirish tone throughout. Noticed nothing out of place so far as SPaG goes. But I didn't quite get it. It felt like the opening scene to a longer story, not complete in itself. It was the last line that truly threw me off. How was she making her living? If she'd have robbed him, I think the effect score would be much higher. It left me wondering, and not in a pleasing way. Still, very good writing.


*Bad Craziness
TEMPE, Mitchell. ID: 0059912
Score:18*

Some missing question marks and minor fluctuations in dialect spelling, but basically tight on SPaG. The voice fluctuates a bit, with the MC sometimes effecting a much more pronounced accent, but good tone throughout. Excellent use of prompt. I can't say I really believed the guy though his son was his life, but otherwise a pretty good piece of flash.


*Brock
“The Last Sunset”
Score: 17*

A bit of a clunky first sentence with the repeated 'as.' Otherwise, I was caught up in this story right until the end. The sudden shift seemed to come from nowhere, and I feel you should have foreshadowed such a big possibility more in the course of the narrative. Still, this was well written and entertaining until the ending deflated it quite a bit.


*FleshEater
“The Monster That Is Man”
Score: 17*

Well written, with an admirable rising tension. I understand that you were basically going for something like a closed narrative loop, with the beginning functioning as the ending, and that's ambitious and clever. But I don't think it quite worked. I actually had to go back and read the beginning again for it to click, as I was originally just left saying 'Oh, is that it?' I also feel that the prompt is something of an afterthought. Excellent writing, though. Terrific SPaG and tone.


*Tiamat
“Maintenance”
Score: 19*

Wistful, human, endearing and sad. Great tone, perfect SPaG. I'm deducting a single point from effect because the ending bit with the driver and van confused me slightly, jarring me from the scene. Was it his chauffeur? The van from a nursing home or some elderly based transportation service? If the MC had simply caught the bus or even if you'd spared two or three words to clarify (and you had nearly a hundred to play with!), I don't think I'd have been jarred. And the simple fact is, I expect more from you than most. 


*squidtender
“Six Steps”
Score: 17*

Solid writing, interesting structure and excellent SPaG. While I admired the conflicting-time structure, I think it sort of injured your tone and effect, because I guessed exactly what this was leading up to and, yes, I was right. If you'd surprised me and thwarted my expectations I might have given this full marks. As it stands, it reads like a revelatory character piece with the revelation broadcast from the beginning. And the prompt was very tacked on feeling. Still, powerfully emotional.


*Anna Buttons
“Tick-Tock”
Score: 20*

Once again, full marks, well deserved. Beautifully paced, gorgeously described, moving. I've been there, Anna, wishing I lived a normal daylight life, wondering about what the probably happy sun-dwellers got up to while I sat in the dark, drinking, filling up the quiet with the voices of strangers I pretended to know. I'm not quite sure what it is about your writing that I connect with so deeply, but I do. Even when it's sad it makes me happy.

Maybe it's just another voice in the quiet, making the dark seem nicer than it is.


*Ben Turnbull
“A Funeral”
Score: 18*

A touching and powerful tale. Excellent SPaG, consistent tone. The effect is down a bit for two reasons -- I felt there were some lines that struck me as overwritten for the spare, rather tragic tone you effected so well. You were, I think, going for poetry and achieved it, but it seemed slightly jarring to this reader. I was also a little disappointed that you didn't reference back to the obvious family troubles you'd evoked well in the opening, perhaps even hints toward reconciliation. You had some space to do so. Overall though, an excellent piece of writing.


*moderan
“Waiting For The Sun”
Score: 20*

Ha! And double Ha! Great stuff, man. Each piece is a little gem. Considered deducting a half point for the line spacing mishaps but that just seemed petty. Most ambitious entry this go-around. Pat yourself on the back, make sure there's no hourglass there.


*garza
“Sunrise”
Score: 19*

Superbly evoked little hard-boiled tale. I deducted a single point because the tag less dialogue describing the fake robbery was quite confusing to me. I wasn't exactly sure who was talking. A couple of read throughs sorted it out for me. Very well written otherwise and nicely gritty.


*allyson17white
“Waiting For The Sun”
Score: 14*

The single giant text-block made this very hard to read and completely destroyed any pacing this might have had. It may have been the forum software arguing with your cut-and-paste, but -- in the future -- make sure you check after and, if you don't think you can fix it, ask a moderator or mentor to help. There were several spelling errors, and I don't quite buy that sort of monologue coming from an eight year old. The resolution was also abrupt and I don't quite understand your final line. I don't like to be so blunt with a first time entrant, but I'm simply being honest. I think this would have read much better if it had been properly spaced and formatted.


*Kevin
“Palmdale”
Score: 18*

Powerful, almost pointillist evocation of labor. I'm completely unsure of SPaG in a piece like this, to be honest. I was taken by your imagery and the brutal tone, but the sentence fragments made this an almost tiring read. I think this would actually work better as a long poem, the shorter lines and stanza breaks giving it a better rhythm and pace. I think the repetition (which was also sort of tiring in a prose piece) would work far better in that format as well. I wonder -- is there any rule against entering a poem in the LM? Excellent work, overall, all that said.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Jon M's scores]

*Arcopitcairn
“Two Vampires Meet Four Mummies”
Score: 18*

Storyline felt a little flat. I get that there’s like a Ghostbusters vibe to this—the mummies (and Mummeteer) were just a general nuisance, and the vamps were sent to exterminate them, but what was the point of the Mummeteer’s actions in the first place? Why are they there, hurling crates down to the warehouse floor? Were they looking for something, like a special artifact, some sort of magical item? Essentially that is why the story feels incomplete—there’s no broader context.

Which means that the story succeeds purely on its originality, humor, and descriptive writing. There is a lot to like here, in that regard: the ‘Lugosi Special’, the Mummeteer’s line "Gaze and tremble, stupid ...", which made me laugh, and I really do love the way the story ends, Tina’s non sequitur, how she seems preoccupied with the mummies and doesn’t acknowledge Jill’s comment.

I just think that some of the less interesting details, like the opening lines, should have been cut and the words used, instead, for establishing the girl’s reason for being there. I get that the Charter already explains some of this, but it doesn’t answer all questions. For example, is this their first run-in with the Mummeteer? Tina’s awe suggests so. I think that’s kind of a shame—the Mummeteer is a good character. Fun and interesting. He’s only in the story for like two seconds before he’s dead. Seems like a waste of a potentially good material. Would have preferred, instead, if girls had some history with this bombastic fellow. I really like his opening remarks, though—funny stuff. So maybe among his many quirks, the Mummeteer could have had some sort of recurring amnesia. Like, each time they cross paths he always introduces himself in this grandiose way, as if it’s the first time meeting.

But the prose really makes up for the story’s structural faults. Only thing I can suggest is working more on producing a more self-contained story for these challenges.

*(Not her real name), handily*
No capitalization here, also no comma is needed

*“She is correct!” Came a voice from above.*
‘came’ not supposed to be capitalized, as it is a dialogue tag. Also, ‘hollered’ may be a better verb choice.

*...itches, kneel before...*
While reading, wanted a pause longer than a comma. For dramatic effect. Suggest replacing with a full-stop.


*the antithesis
“Morning”
Score: 14*

Characters seemed to be mouthpieces for the author as opposed people with any real depth. The boy only wants a kiss, and so I wonder if this is supposed to be an alternate history kind of tale, these two kids occupying a more modest time—the 50s, for example—or a modern story or a futuristic story. No clue. Much to the story’s detriment, there is no indication of time or setting.

The story just doesn’t work for me because it has no power. It seems to rely on the characters for this power, our understanding and agreement with their motives and choices, and yet there essentially are no characters here. Just a boy who wanted a kiss, and a girl unlucky enough to draw the short straw and have the story’s theme crammed into one of her dialogue parts.

Consider the girl’s speech for a moment. Had she actually been envisioned as a real person, had there been a setting, instead of saying, "I’ll never get to go to college..." she might have mentioned the college she had plans to attend. "I’ll never see Yale ..."

"I’ll never have a baby ..." could be revised to, "I’ll see my kid’s birthdays. Or their faces light up on Christmas."

I mean this story is pure, 110% character-driven stuff. How there could not be details about the characters is ... confusing. Mind-boggling. All of the things said in the girl’s speech may look like details, but as I’ve illustrated, they’re really not. Another example:

"I’ll never get married ..." could be "I’ll never know what our wedding could have been like." Or: "I’ll never get to see us as old people." Or: "I’ll never know what kind of people we could have been."


*Leyline
“Morningsong*
*Judge Entry*

N/A

*Circadian
“Aside from the Fire”
Score: 12*

Until the last paragraph, the story seemed like a realistic, if somewhat typical and pedestrian, take on a soldier’s life on another planet. You hit on something interesting when you described Sam polishing his knife. I liked that he kept seeing the blood on his blade, even after it was clean. But the story seems to lose focus once Liam arrives, and occupies itself with too many trivial details. I don’t actually see what purpose Liam serves in this story. His one comment about how ‘things are so beautiful anymore, after the war’ is the only insightful thing, and even that is a fairly typical idea and here it is not explored in any greater depth. And Liam’s inclusion in the story means an additional character that you must flesh out, so it’s like an added workload.

That is why I think this doesn’t work for me—neither Sam or Liam is well-drawn. And they’re not well-drawn because the back and forth dialogue takes up too much space and words that could have been used for a much better purpose—characterization.

Maybe in a short story or a novel you can open with a scene of two guys talking over coffee, shooting the breeze, but here, where space is limited, if it doesn’t help me understand the characters better it’s usually not going to be worth the space it occupies.

And the last paragraph—well, I’m not sure what to say. It’s bizarre and the absurdity pulled me out of the story. Like three-quarters of this story is realistic, and then all of a sudden there are four otters pulling the sun across the sky, apparently, and it doesn’t work for me at all. The imagery strikes me as completely random and contrasts so much with the mood in the preceding paragraphs. This kind of thing, if it is going to work, has got to be set up better. I understand that Liam’s comment, "Ah! The sun!" is supposed to hint at this odd phenomenon, but it reads as a fairly innocuous statement and wasn’t effective at foreshadowing what was to come.


*Jamie
“The Count of Wonky Bigtoe”
Score: 16*

Cute story. Enjoyed how British it often sounded—how there was ‘very definitely’ no way out, the smug formality of the Count’s speech—all very good. Once the story settles into the dialogue exchanges, it just flies by. I would have preferred a more equal balance of that and narration, and maybe a couple strong images to elevate the prose. Like, does Blahber ever find some curious trinket, some weird dusty item, while hanging out inside the broom closet? I can imagine him engaged in this conversation while also fingering some ancient goblet, for example, or some fancy mirror, wrapped in cobweb. I a feeling that while these two sides talked, they were also _working_ on something. I got a little of that when Blahber pushed aside the casket lid, but I wanted more. And not just visual details, but smell, touch. Was it musty in the closet? Smell of anything in particular? Was it _hot_ in such a small space?

My opinion is the more you accomplish in a piece of flash, the better it’s going to be. Here, the dialogue is playful and it stretches on and it’s fun to read, but you don’t really accomplish much beyond a little characterization. For example, I wanted more information on how Blahber got into this jam.

There were some technical snags. Like, you describe Blahber’s confines as ‘no bigger than a broom cupboard’. Maybe those differ from the closets I’m used to, but I’d assumed that meant ‘standing room only.’ So how a casket fits into this is perplexing. Unless said casket is standing up, leaned against the wall or something. Also, you describe the door as ‘solid oak’. Then you have Blahber taking ‘a step’ toward the door, which I also can’t visualize (space reasons mentioned above). But more than that, I wanted some visual of Blahber pressing his ear against the door or something, listening intently through that ‘solid oak’ door. That would have helped further communicate this idea of the door being a suitable barrier between him and the vamps.

*‘My name is Count Vicanzo, Mr Hurtpile.*
Could be rewritten: "Mr. Hurtpile, my name is ..." Currently, the sentence is clunky with two names at the end.


*popsprocket
“Erica”
Score: 12/20*

It is difficult to care about this character’s situation because there is so little information given. The lack of specifics is kind of remarkable. Essentially, this man is crawling toward some place and comes upon a resting spot and witnesses the sunrise one final time. Little to no sense of who the man is or what purpose he had, what his role or occupation may have been leading up to this present moment; hard to say what his relationship is to the one known as Erica, or why that is significant. She could be his daughter, she could be his wife. ole, she could be his long-lost sister for all I know.

Questions abound: why was his leg severed? What was the city beneath the surface? Why was it beneath the surface in the first place — what environmental condition deemed that a necessity? If it was such a ‘wretched city’, how could he have thought it possible to ‘live happily’ there?

The linear progress of the story was also very difficult for me to enjoy. Kind of like a song with the same notes played over and over. In a way, the man crawling and the story’s structure mirror each other—the pace in both is slow, and the purpose, the direction the story moves, seems to be pointless. And I say pointless because there is, again, little in the way of detail, history. After 600 words the character remains a mystery, and all I really know about him are surface descriptions—the state of his body, the manner in which he moves, what he does.
But who he is? I couldn’t say. That is why this doesn’t work for me. Suggest for future stories putting less emphasis on physical/worldly descriptions and focusing more on the character’s motives, his history, his purpose, and also quickly establishing a concrete place and time so the reader is grounded and knows the kind of world the story takes place in.


*Staff Deployment
“Pole Station”
Score: 15*

Lacks the kind of specifics that would have drawn me fully into the story, hence the low score. The job they have to do is never clarified, same goes for the samples they collect. The ‘funny outfits’ is basically non-description, since the reader is never given an idea how they are funny. What are they testing for? Pictures of what? What analysis? And if there is four thousand hours in which to get this done, and therefore no rush, why must they get a ‘quick analysis’ and ‘rush’ it back to the main base?

Specifics could have really elevated this story. It needed research. It also needed humanity. There is very little characterization here. I thought their needing to monitor for depression (because of the endless night-cycle) was a good idea, rings true, but even this did not seem enough. I imagine much worse could happen in such an adverse condition. More than just depression. Thinking full-blown neurosis here.

And again, there are no faces—no people—behind any of this. Just the eternally-distant ‘we’.

"We stick to our habits ..." and what habits would those be? What do people living in a pole station do to kill time?

Overall, this just desperately needed to provide a better sense of place and character. All of the questions raised here should have been addressed by the narrative in some way.


*Lewdog
“Dirt Nap”
Score: 13*

Like several of the stories so far, I feel like what is important in the story—what is necessary to make it good, even great—doesn’t always make it in, and descriptions of the character’s surroundings, while somewhat interesting, take up this space. The first four sentences, as an example. Sure, they set the scene in a forced-poetic kind of way, but they’re window-dressing, and they’re not really important. The following could have been the first line of your story:

Tonight, at midnight sharp, I’ll be taking the big sleep.

I am not bashful about saying this is an unequivocally, 110% better opening sentence. It is. It’s bad ass, similar to the way "Call me Ishmael" is bad ass. Maybe not as forceful, but this line piques our curiosity immediately—we wonder what the narrator means by ‘big sleep.’ We wonder why and what he’s done. This is all better than the alternative, where the lights and walls are described. Who cares about the lights—I mean, really.

Also note that I restructured the sentence, placing the most important—the most interesting, resonant, evocative—words (big sleep) at the end where they have the greatest impact. This is a subtle technique you can use to improve your prose. Whenever possible, structure your sentences and paragraphs in a way that the best words, ideas, etc., are at the end.

*The light seems to flicker*
The light either flickers or not; no hedging.

*why would a governor want to save someone that told him*
that = who; "...to save someone who ..."

*I thought the gas station would have more money*
would have had; the narrator assumed more money would have been in the tray prior to his taking the life of the college girl, therefore you must use the past perfect ("have had").

Story as a whole seemed to be a pointless recounting of this man’s last moments. The paragraph about his meal and the paragraph following go off on tangents and get lost in details which only barely enhance my understanding of the character. Now if he wanted his last meal to be a meal/recipe his mother had cooked once, or a meal that he cooked for his family the last time before being carted away to prison, that would be different. But here it’s little more than a list of food that apparently serves no greater purpose.


*Lasm
“Plantation: Spring 2268”
20*

So much detail here to get lost in. Thought the title was wonderfully evocative. Story has plenty of moments that are so poetic they just kind of leave me speechless: ‘Disconnect and rise’; ‘a cool damp dream ...’; ‘floating gold vibrations’; ‘And yes / And yes I will ...’. One of my favorite moments here was when s/he’s finger prickles — a lesser writer might have explained this process, but you simply present a couple images and trust the reader to understand the real-time associations s/he’s making in an attempt to understand. And, ‘something with long skinny legs’ ... love how the stimulus is interpreted as a teenage girl before spider. So great.

So many of the stories in this challenge were vague in some aspect, and I just hope people read this and see how detail—strong, vivid nouns and verbs—can really lift a story off the page.

My only criticism is that I don’t totally understand what is happening in this story. But, rather than be annoyed by this (which happened frequently this LM, unfortunately), the feeling I have is that subsequent re-reads will be rewarding, that if I comb over these words just a couple more times I’ll get it. And again, that’s because of the detail.

Story felt incredibly chaotic as the end approached. Loved how random snippets of dialogue slipped into the narrative here, these memories, how fast they come and go, like home video appearing on the screen for 3-4 seconds before getting cut, clipped away, buried. Those moments provided a strong sense of unpredictability, chaos, and in general negativity (‘It’s all your .... fault’, etc.)

Wonderful, literary, sci-fi.
*
are fulfilled during interface via oral and anal connection ducts.*
Made me pause, since my tiny human mind wants to add ‘urethral’ to that line. But in 2268 maybe that is just an evolutionary relic, reduced to keeping the appendix company.


*namesake
“The Jewel-Eyed Lady”
Score: 10*

Every attempt to understand this leaves me feeling more confused and annoyed than before. I don’t know what this story is about; the sentences are often so garbled I don’t even know what each paragraph means. The overwhelming problem here seems to be a lack of continuity on a sentence-level. One idea does not progress logically from another, so it is difficult, almost impossible, to figure out what’s going on. There seems to be surreal or fantasy elements here, but that’s just a guess. I just honestly don’t know how to critique this. Like, the fundamental issue here is the writing does not make sense. At all.

I suggest you go back to the basics. Write a simple story with a simple idea. Make sure every sentence logically follows the preceding sentence. Keep your sentences simple and declarative. Strive for clarity.

*Foxee*
*By Heart*

N/A

*bazz cargo
“Noir”
Score: 14*

The myopic focus on the present moment, with all of its detail, left me feeling unsatisfied and without answers. Maybe it’s not necessary to care about the man who died, but I think it is important to at least be interested in him. But even that is not possible because there are no details. The girl is a little better—she’s a working girl, apparently—but not by much. I feel like this entire story could have been summarized in a paragraph at most, with room to spare for more important things—the girl’s identity, her motives, her occupation, her history; touching, even, on the history between this guy and her.

Is the No-Tell Motel (remember that from ages ago; still think it should be a challenge prompt at some point) her killing spot? Where is the motel in the world?

This is why the story does not satisfy. Although it is a cleanly written slice-of-life, it lacks the kinds of details which would truly engage me as a reader. Suggest for future stories to summarize more — and summarize is not a bad word here. This is just my opinion, but flash fiction is truly great when distances—of time, place, character—are covered.

*“You were the best. No-one has reached me the way you have.”*
"No one reached me the way you did."


*Bad Craziness
“TEMPE, Mitchell. ID: 0059912”
Score: 16*

A poignant tale about an incarcerated man missing his son and the sun. Pretty good overall. Mitchell’s dialogue is well done, sounds natural. Feel like the story plays it safe and doesn’t venture too far out beyond what’s already been done before. Mitchell’s belief his wife is probably brainwashing their son; Mitchell’s criticism of the psychiatrist ("you’re all the same"); it’s all pretty typical of this kind of scene. Wanted to story to move past all of this into more original territory—perhaps the psych gets Mitchell to relate an anecdote about the last time he saw his son, or something to that effect. In that sense, the story may have been better had you started at a point in time where they’d already been talking for a couple months, had already started to delve into very personal matters. Because stuff like, "How does that make you feel?" is elementary, superficial—that line probably exists in every single story of this kind.

But the characterization is there, somewhat. I get an idea of who Mitchell is, his past, and maybe even a taste of his future.

But I feel this story could have really benefited from a story-within-a-story technique. Like I said, either the inclusion of a personal anecdote, or perhaps Mitchell describing to the psychiatrist a recent event in the prison. Maybe he was disciplined for acting out one day. Or maybe it was something humorous—witnessing something out in the yard one day. I just think the story needed to go other places and not been so focused on these elementary notions of "How does this make you feel?" and "Does he understand why ..."

I think a story where prison / incarceration is involved should give me some insight, some sense of what it’s truly like. For the duration of 650 words I should feel like I was transported to this other world, maybe learned something new. Here, unfortunately, there’s nothing new that I hadn’t already seen in a movie before. So, choose the moment of your story well, begin in the right place. Because instead of wasting words on this second visit of theirs, they could have been neck deep in personal matters by the opening paragraph. For example,
Mitchell, sorry about missing our appointment last Wednesday. I had something come up. ... Last time we spoke you’d mentioned your concerns about Leanne. You were angry because the last time she visited she refused to bring Jem along. Have you ... etc. etc.

I just think you could have accomplished more by beginning the story midway into their—Mitchell and the psych’s—story.


*Brock
“The Last Sunset”
Score: 14*

The end was telegraphed from paragraph three. Found it hard to believe that Shawn could be having a discussion with his wife, a thoughtful one where he addresses her concerns, and then when the boxers slip off he whispers Kristin’s name. Give the guy a little time and ‘de passion’ to forget where he is, who he is, who the other person is, before he slips up like that.

So that part read very clunky. Nicole’s stutter, written out in dialogue, is also clunky.

But mostly this didn’t work for me because it was linear and obvious where it was headed. Also didn’t find it convincing that Shawn tries to assure his wife it’ll be over soon, that the killer will stop killing in eleven days. As if they could set their watches by this. As if the end of his killing spree was as predictable as Daylight Savings, or Christmas day. Just seemed kind of ridiculous. That was also a rather blinding clue of Shawn’s involvement. How else could he make such a claim if he wasn’t the one in control? Maybe this is the first time he kills beyond that traditional window of time. Maybe this is the time he loses control.

Have to be more sensitive to how obvious tricks and ploys might seem to the reader. Have to read your work with a critical, cynical eye, poking holes in the plot lines, making fun of the characters. If the story doesn’t satisfy, this is what your reader will do. Shawn’s unwillingness to leave is a classic and startingly clear indication of his involvement — a trope so old and used by movies it’s frankly kind of nauseating. And because Nicole doesn’t leave makes me dislike her  she appears weak. Totally weak, in fact — after Shawn appeases her she basically seduces him. I can see the collective eyes of all female readers rolling this instant, can hear them groan, "You’ve got to be kidding me. Not another dumb broad."

Have to turn these cliché ideas on their head. Introduce conflict, plans that go awry. What if Nicole got a hunch that his insistence on staying meant he was somehow involved? And what if she leaves—for real, no more games—how does Shawn deal with this? Suddenly he’s not in control of the game anymore.


*FleshEater
“The Monster That is Man”
Score: 14*

Seems like he does remember what happened, so the beginning confuses me. He’s hiding behind the door at one point, is angered when he hears his wife cry for help, and presumably he goes to confront them, shotgun blazing. And the story begins with the aftermath, essentially—he must have been wounded in the fight. I have trouble reconciling the apparent contradiction here. Like I said, it does seem like he remembers. Unless there is a twist I did not see (the kid’s comment: "Sorry, it was an accident."), like the kid somehow getting involved here, the story appears to be really quite straightforward and thematically kind of pointless. Home invasion gone bad, is that it?

Felt like several factors really damaged the story. The linear storytelling, due to its profluent nature, causes a build-up and an expectation for a climax that is non-existent.  And I mean this isn’t just linear, this is moment-by-moment, oh-my-God-what’s-going-to-happen-next? type of linear. Except that we don’t ever find out what happens next—the story just ... ends, leaving the reader to figure out the rest. This kills the story for me. Other stories of this type will at least have a Gotcha!-type ending. For example, the kid emerges from the closet with a gun of his own and blows away the father, something ridiculous like that. There’s a twist, a pay-off, stupid as they sometimes are.

The other damaging factor here is the kid’s dialogue. Tries way too hard to convey the kid’s young age through his broken speech. I struggled to take this seriously from the first mention of ‘otay’. Sometimes quoting dialogue exactly as it would sound only gets you in trouble. My opinion is you’re better off paraphrasing the kid’s dialogue and maybe, _maybe_ including one moment (in the entire story) where the kid is quoted directly, so we get a feel for his age. Two examples where colloquialisms are done well:

Flannery O’Connor, in her story _A Good Man is Hard to Find_, wants to convey the southern quality of her character’s speech. Instead of peppering the entire story with broken English, words with dropped-g’s, and turning it into a joke, she drops a single word on the first page that perfectly conveys the South:

*aloose*. As in, "The man’s aloose." The man is out and about.

In Denis Johnson’s _Angels_, Jamie is also a southern girl, a single mom. Kind of white trash. Her accent isn’t very strong, but it emerges in a rare moment on page 2 when she’s frustrated at her daughter’s restlessness. They’re traveling on a Greyhound bus. She wants her daughter to move her foot:

"Move your foot, hon."
"I ain’t playing. Move your foot now."
"Move—yer—*fut*." (bold mine)

So, I couldn’t get into this story for those reasons. You’re walking a tightrope when you begin approximating bad speech, and a little really does go a long, long way. And try not to get so lost in linear specifics. Paraphrasing and summarizing are not bad words—despite what the Show, Don’t Tell crowd says.


*Tiamat
“Maintenance”
Score: 17*

Interesting that the old man doesn’t seem to realize the upgrade to his bench also constitutes maintenance. I wish that angle would have been explored.

Story began slow for me. Him going on and on about the bench kind of alienated me because _I_ didn’t care about the bench. So it took a while to get into this. When you begin to explore the title, maintenance, is when I think you hit on something original. It’s also about where I started to get interested in this. The line about flushing the transmission on a heart is great stuff.

He seems to feel bad about her death, as if he were responsible. Like he wasn’t able to keep up the maintenance of her heart. But if he could have, I get the sense he would have. So he must realize the value and necessity of maintenance, right? So why, then, doesn’t he see that replacing the bench might have also been necessary? I get that it’s their special bench. I think what needed to be included was a line about how ‘they’ (the city, or whoever) didn’t need to replace the bench. Something like:

The bench didn’t need to be replaced. It was fine the way it was.

From there you could have explored the notion of when it is appropriate to fix something, and when it should be left alone. But the story never really gets that far, and I think it needed to.

On a second read I notice you did write, "...something new in a scene that didn’t need changed." but this idea seems to be the source of his conflict, the entire purpose of the story, and instead of appearing at the end where it strikes me as an after-thought, I think the story would have been improved with it placed near the beginning.

Really not a fan of characters speaking out loud to themselves — most of the time it just stinks of melodrama. Willing to concede on stylistic grounds, though.

Tense choice is interesting. Wonder why you chose present when the story is essentially about him reminiscing on the past. Though I think that is probably the correct choice — his life in the present is different from his past, with her, and he can never go back there.

*
the kind of paint that can give a man splinters.*
could give

*on his leathery face*
‘leathery’ seems forced, jarred, too obvious an attempt at conveying his age.  

*fountain still hisses skywards.*
‘hisses’ is a very strange word choice, considering how peaceful this moment is supposed to be. The negative connotation jarred.


*Squidtender
“Six Steps”
Score: 15*

It’s a good story, but we’re in his head too much. I think that’s why this feels a little flat to me. For example,
*I ignore the question like it didn’t happen. I’m stalling and I know it. I ask how her day was,*

The first two sentences here could be cut. His stalling is already implied. His ignoring the question is implied when he asks her about her day.

I wonder how female readers feel about the wife here, because to me she seems totally weak. I think if I were a woman this would have annoyed me. Like, I was waiting for her to stop groveling and get angry. Because the guy sounds selfish. "You deserve somebody who ..." is such a line. Him trying to spin this around and make it seem like he’s doing her a favor, like he’s some sort of knightly prince and deserves accolades for his uncommon selflessness. Meanwhile, he’s probably got another woman on the side.

So that’s another reason this feels flat: the man’s motives are never explored. What precipitates these feelings of inferiority? It’s an incomplete picture. Without specifics, his wallowing gets tiresome.

Liked how he watched her do mundane things, knowing it was the last time he ever would. Rings true. Felt like there were several opportunities for vivid, specific, unique writing that were squandered. Like when she talks about her day at work. It all reads very general — the same complaint a million people have. It could have been a more personal anecdote that revealed character. Here the details are just dead on the page: "a co-worker who won’t do her job", "a boss who doesn’t do anything" — couldn’t possibly be more general.

And when she goes into the kitchen, sets the mail down, gets a drink — my feeling is there has to be something unique there, otherwise what’s the point? Just as an example, what if the first thing she does once in the kitchen—no matter what—is she washes her hands. That’s a quirk. That possibly tells us something about her.
Setting the mail down? Getting "a drink"? — not unique / specific enough.


*Anna Buttons
“Tick Tock”
Score: 17*

Pretty good overall. The story tends to navel-gaze often, and it was only around paragraph three, and then later on, when the narrator is relating the story about the pilot, that I became most interested. In fact, the idea of the narrator trying to wish herself into epiphanies is a good one, funny due to its absurdity, and I wish you would have opened the story there—paragraph three. Then, following that paragraph, you could have posed the first question about how pretty white wine looks. I think it would have worked better that way—opening the story with a question was not successful here and only distanced me. I didn’t have a good enough sense of the character at that point. So my initial response was, "No. I’ve never noticed that." And that shouldn’t have been my response. My impression is the question is only rhetorical—in a sense, the narrator is only asking because she’s pouring a drink at that moment, and the question is equivalent to saying that very thing.

I suppose my biggest issue with the story is that I don’t get a good enough sense of who this person is prior to the story. I have to reiterate—I love the idea of a character who routinely tries to will epiphanies upon herself. That’s slightly different from what you have here currently. The story only says she tries to have an epiphany while standing in front of the mirror. But I think the story would have been much better if this desire of hers was a recurring trait, because then you might have also highlighted a couple incidences in the past where she tried, and failed, to have similar epiphanies—about whatever was important at the time. The character would have been better drawn—she’d have a history.

Didn’t care much for the band shout-outs. Seemed wasteful—all those words when, instead, one choice name could have been dropped to suggest her folk/indie tastes. You know for these LMs, characterization is the most important thing, in my opinion, and a list of band names strikes me as a superficial way to sketch in a real person.

The story finishes better than it begins. The sunrise is often symbolic of epiphanies, so I enjoyed her saluting it here. And the last line works very well as a non sequitur—suggests that maybe the character believes she is starting over from that day forward, being ‘born’ again.

Overall, good stuff here. Just wish the characterization was tighter. And using the full word count would have helped in that regard.

*emanate introverted Kate Mossness. *
emanate works, but wasn’t sure if you meant ‘emulate’ instead.


*BenTurnbull
“A Funeral”
Score: 15*

Can’t fault the writing here. Technically, it’s pretty good. There were a few occasions (I’ll point them out later) where I thought you overstated or went too far with a metaphor. And I guess the final _coup de grace_, the somewhat poetic ending, seemed forced. But mostly the story is standard fare: there’s a funeral, and as one would expect, people are crying and in general feeling lost. So reading this got a little tedious because the story never deviates from what I would expect to happen at a typical funeral. Not only that, but because of the subject there is great potential for melodrama. In general I think you avoid this, but once or twice, especially toward the end, it did seem like you were tugging on the heartstrings a little much.

Had something interesting in the reunion / brawl idea — I was curious about that detail. Seemed like it would have been a good opportunity to dig into the family dynamics and flesh out some characters, or at least some family history, in the process. Instead it’s just glossed over in favor of scenic description and stage direction (the lowering of the casket, etc.), I think to the story’s detriment.  

Looking at what you’ve chosen to describe / include, and what’s not included, I have to wonder if the story loses focus at certain points. It’s a given that people cry at funerals — so why include it? Let the reader and his experience bring that detail to the story. In general, paragraphs 4 and 5 ("Painful sobs / The tragic sounds ...") were full of things that were too obvious to mention. Whereas important or unusual, and potentially _original_ stuff like family dynamics are not given much time at all. Even the grandfather, who is responsible for the emotional pay-off at the end, isn’t much of a character here. It seems a little odd, considering his role in the story, that I don’t know much about him. Only the grandmother emerges as something of a character, thanks in large part to the paragraph about her time in Montana vs. Colorado.

*My right hand is still numb …*
Felt like this, and the following sentence, was a big overstatement. Numb, really? Her forehead was so cold it _burned_?
*
a Grandma, a Mother, and a Wife. *
None of these require capitalization.
*
I can’t turn off the faucet though,*
Know what you’re getting at here, but the metaphor is carried too far, reads a little strange / comical as a result. Same for the ‘watery deluge’.


*moderan
“Waiting for the Sun”
Score: 19*

Great first line could have been greater: "I’ve been awake for so long that sounds have shadows, and the noise from the street makes dumbshow on the wall that faces facing the open window."

Thought this was pretty excellent. I’m a fan of vignettes in general, so I particularly enjoyed the story’s structure. Love when a story feels like more than just what’s written on the page, like it has a before and after and this is just a moment, what we’re reading here. And this story does that very well—all of these vignettes do a wonderful job creating an impression that there’s a world out there, a big and varied one, full of interesting characters. The puns are just excellent.

"She tottered out on her plastic heels." God I love this line. ‘tottered’ is perfect.

*I can wash the blood*
Fine as-is, but perhaps ‘scrub’ is a stronger replacement.

*he managed to choke out.*
Clunky. That section in general reads clunky because there’s a dialogue tag in each exchange. Just reads better, smoother, with one of them removed. I’m thinking this one—’he choked out’—should go, since the image is unclear anyway. Was going to suggest clipping the third one, but I sense you kept ‘he moaned’ because it’s an important pause in the dialogue. And I agree.

If there’s any criticism I could make of this, it’s that I don’t see how these relate to each other, or even if they should. But that’s a small nit; strong writing overall.


*garza
“Sunrise”
Score: 17*

The story seems to turn based on Sandy, which I find odd since Sandy’s character is basically non-existent. Really the only things I know about her are that she’s Joe’s girl and she wears an orthopedic shoe. Also that she was involved in this heist. This story is very ambitious in what it tries to do—establishes setting, time of day, and four characters. That’s probably why it feels like it doesn’t succeed well at anything in particular—there’s too many elements that require a depth that probably isn’t possible in a 650-word piece. So, looking for stuff to cut, I think the entire first paragraph can go. The first two lines in the second paragraph can also go (or be condensed, keeping the pertinent details).

Without some indication of their past together, it’s hard to feel the betrayal that Joe probably feels toward Sandy. I mean if any character needed to be well-drawn it needed to be Sandy, then Joe, then the little guy. Working in such a limited space, it would have been immensely helpful had you latched onto a brief, quirky description of each of these people. Sandy’s orthopedic shoe is the right idea, but not enough. All of these people needed to be differentiated from each other in some way. Like, I imagine Sandy walking onto the veranda, and when Joe says, "Sunrise, right?", maybe she steps up behind him and drapes her arms around his neck, and maybe after she says, "Don’t worry, baby," maybe it’s the unique smell of her perfume that distinguishes her.

But the writing is good. Clear, clean. The ‘die-cut’ palm was a good image; ‘stark black’ is redundant, already implied by silhouette, though. And the story ended strong. Enjoyed the last line. A good close. But overall the story needed to choose what it described better, more intelligently—like I said it’s mystifying how the story turns according to Sandy and how she’s barely there as a character. The storyline is what picked up the slack


*allyson17white
“Waiting for the Sun”
Score: 12*

Did not see a good reason why the story is presented as a single paragraph. For judging purposes I broke it up into paragraphs at random and it read just fine. A wall of text is hard on the eyes, and such a formatting faux pas makes the entry stand out but not in a good way.

The story suffers from overt melodrama, lack of specifics, and because of its penchant for navel-gazing. The "pain" and the "hurt" and the "sadness" are only ever referred to generally, without many specifics. Obviously there is some sort of domestic issue here, and by the end it sounds like murder-suicide, but I don’t know much more than that. What are they fighting about? The narrative is distant enough that it’s clear this is not firmly in Alexia’s POV, but something more omniscient—so why isn’t the reader allowed more access into this troubled household?

Even the opening line here is riddled with ambiguity: what night? What does a night of "death, sadness, and tears" look and sound like? There are concrete images behind these abstract nouns. Keeping everything in the abstract just ensures that your reader is never fully brought into the world of the story. It is equally difficult to care about Alexia’s fate because there is little sense of who she is beyond this moment in time.

I mean, reading this story is like looking at an out of focus photograph. For example, what is the nature of the parental conflict? Does the father lose control at one point and punch the mother? Does the mother collapse to the kitchen linoleum, sobbing, and does the father then try to pull her up again by the hair? Do any plates or glasses break against the wall in a fit of rage? Is there a gun involved? No, there’s none of that—just "screaming".


*Kevin
“Palmdale”
Score: 16*

You should probably get an award for the most semi-colons used. The narrative is very fractured, staccato, and while I feel it adequately portrays what it’s like to have to work so hard, fast, that there’s only time enough to think about what your hands are doing, I also would have liked another character or two here. Like a co-worker who could have livened up the narrative and made it feel less introspective. I got a little taste of that at the mention of _‘Le Miserable’_, how the others laughed and asked if he spoke French. But by the end of the story it feels like you’re hitting the same notes over again. And while that’s probably the point—the same work every day—sometimes the facts are not adequate for fiction.

I think the story just needed to be structured better. After you establish the ‘stiff clothes’ (which I liked), and the difficulty and monotony of the work, those details could have then operated in the background while the narrative went other places/ideas — for example, elaborating on "building the California dream", or just ruminating on dreams per se; or, once again, introducing a character and some brief exchange—whatever buddies shooting the breeze would talk about—etc.

But once you establish that the work sucks, the conditions awful, it’s the equivalent of starting a motor — it’s going to keep running without you (i.e., those details will stay in the reader’s mind as he reads), and you only have to mention it periodically from then on, to remind the reader that the conditions still suck, the motor’s still running.

So it’s a good window into this kind of work experience, but it also reads kind of pointless—or at least doesn’t resonate—because it lacked character, an anecdote, a theme, humanity (beyond the physical descriptions of pain, ligaments, etc.).


[/spoiler2]


----------



## Deleted member 49710 (Jan 27, 2013)

Yay for scores! and for the judges, who spent a great deal of time and effort on their judging! And for Moderan and Tiamat! Congratulations!

Just a couple responses to comments: very fair criticism from Fin and Foxee, I thought, that the story itself isn't clear. In part this is because the piece relates to a larger work, so the characters and the family drama are a big conflicted thing that I ought to have altered and simplified for this context. In part it's because the semi-automated MC (the father) has a very submerged consciousness that kind of flickers on and off, between a dream-state present and these little attacks of the past (and his fear of/for his daughter). So I think it was a complicated thing I was trying to do, which made for a somewhat difficult read, and I appreciate your giving it the effort.

And thanks to Leyline-- by the way, I don't think I've mentioned yet how much I liked your entry, which was a lot. Thought it was interesting how several of us related this theme to parent/child relationships.

Jon, I didn't talk about the catheter! Guess I should've. Thanks for your lengthy and very kind response.


----------



## Jon M (Jan 27, 2013)

Just a note on Moderan's story -- the first part of my critique should read: "I’ve been awake for so long that sounds have shadows, and the noise  from the street makes dumbshow on the wall that faces facing the open  window."


----------



## moderan (Jan 27, 2013)

I still like mine better. But thanks for the clarification.


----------



## bazz cargo (Jan 27, 2013)

Congratulations to Moderan, Tiamat and Lasm. (Hey Moddy, nice brib...work).


 A big thank you to Fin, Foxee, Leyline, Jon M and Mr Average. Our splendid judges.

Goodness knows how Moderan got picked, the contest was so tight it seemed impossible to separate them out. My personal fave was The Count Of Wonkey Big Toe. 




@ Fin


> Small scene of a bigger story is what it seems like. Could’ve done with more detail, more of the bigger picture. Didn’t care much for any of the characters. I was interested in learning about them but I won’t be getting the chance. Her personality of what I’ve seen was interesting.



This is an outline for a  scene from an up and coming tale, slightly doctored to fit the prompt. I was hoping it would work in a clinical but bloody way.


@ Foxee


> You managed to tell this really briefly by hanging your story on the preexisting framework of the genre and I think it worked overall quite well. I liked seeing a story told from the femme fatal's POV as opposed to the gumshoe's and you definitely captured the noir feeling of isolation and darkness, especially contrasted with the tone of the beginning. I do wish for a little more to the story, maybe a little kick in the pants or twist of some kind that sets the story apart from the cliches of the genre a little bit more (yes, I'm aware that noir is practically made up of cliches) though overall I think you did well with it.



This is where I started. I'm working both back and forward to construct the story. This might become the first chapter. I still need a few twists and some kind of Maguffin.



@LeyLine


> Evocative and excellent use of language. Terrific noirish tone throughout. Noticed nothing out of place so far as SPaG goes. But I didn't quite get it. It felt like the opening scene to a longer story, not complete in itself. It was the last line that truly threw me off. How was she making her living? If she'd have robbed him, I think the effect score would be much higher. It left me wondering, and not in a pleasing way. Still, very good writing.



Thanks, the tone is my quest.


@Jon M


> The myopic focus on the present moment, with all of its detail, left me feeling unsatisfied and without answers. Maybe it’s not necessary to care about the man who died, but I think it is important to at least be interested in him. But even that is not possible because there are no details. The girl is a little better—she’s a working girl, apparently—but not by much. I feel like this entire story could have been summarized in a paragraph at most, with room to spare for more important things—the girl’s identity, her motives, her occupation, her history; touching, even, on the history between this guy and her.
> 
> Is the No-Tell Motel (remember that from ages ago; still think it should be a challenge prompt at some point) her killing spot? Where is the motel in the world?
> 
> ...


All good points and questions. Very useful in my expansion of this piece. I did keep it brief considering how many entries you were getting. Thanks for such a helpful write-up.


----------



## Staff Deployment (Jan 27, 2013)

Well my grand idea of characterizing the South Pole at the expense of the insignificant humans living on it definitely didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Only a 15 out of 20! Whatever shall I do?

(A: Enter the next competition)

Congratulations Moderan!


----------



## Tiamat (Jan 27, 2013)

Congrats to moderan and lasm!  And a huge thank you to the judges as well.  I bet that was exhausting, so three cheers for you four.  

To respond to a couple comments:



			
				Leyline said:
			
		

> I'm deducting a single point from effect because the ending bit with the driver and van confused me slightly, jarring me from the scene. Was it his chauffeur? The van from a nursing home or some elderly based transportation service? If the MC had simply caught the bus or even if you'd spared two or three words to clarify (and you had nearly a hundred to play with!), I don't think I'd have been jarred.


I wonder if you made the connection between the cane, the driver helping to lead him the rest of the way, to the fact that he's blind.  I tried to make that subtle, but perhaps I made it too subtle.  The initial idea of my story was the thought of a blind man watching the sun rise.  Ergo, I looked at it as an elderly/disabled transportation service.  Perhaps I should clear that up though.  Thanks, G. 



			
				Jon M said:
			
		

> He seems to feel bad about her death, as if he were responsible. Like he wasn’t able to keep up the maintenance of her heart. But if he could have, I get the sense he would have. So he must realize the value and necessity of maintenance, right? So why, then, doesn’t he see that replacing the bench might have also been necessary?


Actually, I thought it a nice irony that he values maintenance so dearly but he doesn't realize the source of his discontent is just that.  Kind of my way of showing how short-sighted we can be when we want things to be just so.  I guess it didn't work for you though, and I can see how to comes off as being at odds with the rest.  Always appreciate your critique.


----------



## moderan (Jan 27, 2013)

many thanks for all of the kind congratulamations! And you all did so well too! Let's do it again soonest.:single_eye:


----------



## Bad Craziness (Jan 27, 2013)

Thanks to all the judges and congrats to the winners.

Would particularly like to thank Jon M for the feedback, plenty for me to think about and learn from which is kinda the purpose of these things. At least for me.

Also, for what it's worth, Squidtender - great stuff man. Yours was my favourite this go around. Cut way too close to the bone.


----------



## apple (Jan 30, 2013)

I only compete occasionally, Congratulations to the winners.  Well done everyone.

But mostly, I would like to compliment and give great thanks to all the judges, past and present, for the task they take on when volunteering to read, critique, and score all these stories that are entered, (and there are so many, lately)  You all are appreciated .  I think upon you in awe.


----------



## Anna Buttons (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks judges for your epic effort - especially Leyline, who is always gushy with his praise.


----------

