# suicide



## hannahbellss (May 14, 2011)

How lovely it would be to read a book
that says you're someplace beautiful now
with clouds and space and sunlight
and a brand new set of watercolor paints.
but I've searched through every line of text
and the book promises only flames and I 
see you as broken as when 
they pulled you from the tracks and
I swear, I'll never read it again.


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## The Blue Pencil (May 15, 2011)

Not bad poetry but remember that depressed poems are a dime a dozen and that happy poems will make your life more joyous.


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## toddm (May 15, 2011)

Maybe it is just me, but I see poetry as life-enriching - it makes life rich - it enriches both the writer and reader

Without the title, the first half of this piece shows definite poetic spark and promise - perhaps next write something about that beautiful place full of "clouds and space and sunlight and a brand new set of watercolor paints" - describe that realm, show the happiness there, and inspire hope with your words - if you must bring some sorrow into the picture, make the tears as sweet as rain

---todd


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## hannahbellss (May 15, 2011)

I agree with both of you. It was kind of written emotionally rather than practically, if that makes sense. One of my best friends had just killed herself and I was looking for comfort somewhere, and the fact that the Bible condemns suicide victims to Hell made me refuse to believe in it anymore.


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## SilverMoon (May 15, 2011)

Here, I offer a different viewpoint. Note my Signature "I never write about flowers unless there are weeds" I write this because it represents what life is realistically about. Simple logic dictates that you will not know sunlight unless there is darkness. ChestersDaughter (Lisa) jokes that I am the Mistress of Gloom because I write about the dark side of The Condition of Human Nature. This is not a critisizm. She happens to like my work very much. We write what we know. I've known tradgedy most of my life and am fascinated with psychology. What drives people, what makes them give up. So naturally, I was drawn to your title. But you poem did not live up to it. We write what we know.



> I see you as broken as when
> they pulled you from the tracks and
> I swear, I'll never read it again.


 
I don't hear the voice of someone who has experienced a trememdous loss. Dear Hannah, maybe it's too early to tap into what you're really feeling. But that you are able to write this poem is commendable and a sign of strength. You could go two ways. Write a tribute to "her" or write in the Confessional genre - feelings about "your" loss. I'm not suggesting that you bleed on paper but make us feel for you, both of you.

I'm still numb. My best friend, my uncle died a year ago. I was able to write the eulogy but so much wanted to include a tribute poem to him. I was so overcome by my loss I could not even do that. It will come. And the poem about my feelings of loss will come. I will know when the time is right. Back track. A very talented friend of mine here did write a poem for me which was applicable to read at my uncle's funeral. He gave me the gift I could not give my uncle at the time. Below is what I write for you - a re-write of the stanza quoted above.


I see the black tracks,
your suicide bed.
You bleed after
the bleeding secrets 
you could not share with me.

"Again I read the Bible,
promising flames.
It's pages are 
red hot.

I'll not sear my finger tips
for I need them to wipe my eyes." (Then your beautiful wish for her.)

How lovely it would be to read a book
that says you're someplace beautiful now
with clouds and space and sunlight
and a brand new set of watercolor paints. (I love this line. What would she paint?)

My condolences for your loss. Laurie


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## toddm (May 15, 2011)

hannahbellss said:


> the fact that the Bible condemns suicide victims to Hell made me refuse to believe in it anymore.


 
I haven't read that part of the Bible: a flat out damning of those who take their own life - the teaching I am aware of is that God is merciful and takes into consideration such things as debilitating depression or other mental illness and states of mind at the time, which may mitigate or obliterate guilt in particular situations - the act itself is always wrong, but the person's will may or may not have been fully engaged at the time - it is appropriate to hope, and not to despair, because it is not given to any of us to make the final judgment - 
---todd


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## SilverMoon (May 15, 2011)

todd, like Hannah, I've heard the same. That you are damned to hell if you commit suicide. I was raised in a God fearing household (Step-mother a die hard Catholic). Even as a child I bucked her and the church's notions. I believed that if you kill yourself (pain being unbearable) heaven is still in store for you. My mother was in great pain. A paranoid schizophrenic who drank and took pills to make her world bearable. She eventually committed suicide. I do believe she is in a better place and not damned to hell. She'd already experienced hell on earth. You are so fortunate that you knew, know of a mercifil God. Hanna's friend is in good hands.


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## SeverinR (May 15, 2011)

I am no biblical scholar, I am no priest.

IMO I do not believe the God of love will condemn soeone to hell for not being able to handle the pain of life,
physical or emotional.

They say the bible was written by God, I think it was written by men trying to understand what God was trying to tell them.

Before writing off God because of what man says, go to the source.

Remember, Christian Men of god murdered Saints in the worst of ways.

I believe in the saying;
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."


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## Chesters Daughter (May 15, 2011)

Hannah, I like your piece, will return with a more in depth as soon as time permits, my on time is short today.

MOD NOTE: I respectfully request that we stay on topic and only discuss the piece presented for feedback in this thread to avoid derailing it. The Debate Forum is a more appropriate place for discussing the philosophical. I thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Lisa


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## Chesters Daughter (May 16, 2011)

Welcome Hannah, and I, too, am sorry for your loss. I like your piece as is, it comes from the gut and that's what matters. I do not need additional imagery, not all pieces have to be stuffed full of imagery as long as they have something worthwhile to listen to, which your piece does. I would, however, suggest tweaking the formatting and have taken the liberty to do so as restructuring just a bit will provide an even more powerful read

How lovely it would be 
to read a book
that says you're someplace 
beautiful now
with clouds and space and sunlight
and a brand new set 
of watercolor paints.

I've searched through 
every line of text                 (I've played with the placement of but and removed and)
but the book promises         (You may want to capitalize book here, your decision)
only flames 
and I see you 
as broken as when 
they pulled you from the tracks 
and I swear, 
I'll never read it again.

Just my suggestion, love, and I'm only one person, it's just fine if you hate it. As for dark, like Laurie, I write mostly dark. Not every piece has to be sunshine and light. Write what you know, write what you feel, forcing light, or anything else for that matter, usually results in work that doesn't really work. Hope this helps some. I look forward to reading more of your work, whether dark or light.

Best,
Lisa


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## Gumby (May 16, 2011)

I like the very raw feel that this has, that grabbed me right off. I like Lisa's suggestions too, they pace the poem out in an effective way.


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## hannahbellss (May 16, 2011)

Thank you so much, all of you! You're all so helpful and kind.


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## Trides (May 18, 2011)

I like this poem--it has a nice rhythm--and don't think it should be changed in any way.


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## hannahbellss (May 19, 2011)

Really? Well thank you!


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## Firemajic (May 20, 2011)

I liked your poem Hanna- poetry for me is sooo personal-and loss is too..


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## hannahbellss (May 25, 2011)

Thank you!


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