# She Waits



## NeenaDiHope (May 12, 2017)

She sits in the misty morning, down by the sea, awaiting her lover so solemnly.
With baited breath she listens for the footsteps she knows so well, strong and sure, no uncertainty to dwell.
Her heart is a flutter, her stomach full of butterflies, she daydreams about a future she knows is a lie.
She longs for things that cannot be, for her lover is with her but belongs to another sadly.
Today she will see him but for the last time, despite her love for him she knows it will not last.
There is no future for them together only the past.
Because of her love she will take today and when the dawn breaks tomorrow she will simply walk away.
She sits in the misty morning, down by the sea, awaiting her lover that is soon not to be.


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## Firemajic (May 12, 2017)

NeenaDiHope said:


> She sits in the misty morning, down** by the sea, ** Cut "down"
> awaiting her lover so **solemnly.** Cut "so"
> With baited breath she listens for the** footsteps** Cut "the"
> ** she knows so well,** strong and sure, ** Cut " she knows so well"
> ...






Hello. NeenaDiHope, welcome to the fabulous poetry thread, and thank you for posting your poem... well, I love the innocent language and POV, however, writing this kind of poetry is tricky... 
Pay attention to imagery, mood, and message, be creative and avoid broad statements like " despite her love for him she knows it will not last".... and "she longs for things that cannot be"... ect... by making this personal, writing YOUR personal experiences, you will have a unique poem, one that powerfully expresses the pain and loss of betrayal...
I hope my comments inspire your fire, poetry is my passion and I want to encourage you to step outside of the box and give yourself permission to express your emotions so I can hear YOUR unique voice... 


OOOh, I arranged this in stanzas.... stanzas are like.. well, stepping stones, leading your reader from thought to thought ..


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## NeenaDiHope (May 12, 2017)

Thank you for your feedback. I knew it needed a rewrite but I was not sure how to go about it, your input is very much appreciated.


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## Firemajic (May 12, 2017)

NeenaDiHope said:


> Thank you for your feedback. I knew it needed a rewrite but I was not sure how to go about it, your input is very much appreciated.




I would love to see what you could do, if you scrap the rhyme, and went with a free style poem... you could use alliteration and assonance or a refraining line to add drama.... experiment and see..


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## Bard_Daniel (May 18, 2017)

Hey Neena,

I like the way you wove your poem but I agree with Firemajic that it would be interesting to see what you could do with making your stanzas shorter (like in her example) and excluding the rhyme scheme. Nonetheless, welcome to the poetry forum! : D

Just my two cents! Cheers!


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## NeenaDiHope (May 18, 2017)

Thank you! I will work on something but I have been writing in rhyme for so long I'm not sure I know how to do it without it! [emoji23]


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## Ruru (May 23, 2017)

I love this poem! especially line 3 to 6. Mostly because of the way it is said.


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## C.Gholy (May 23, 2017)

I really liked it. 
Especially the misty morning line.


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## John 3 (May 24, 2017)

I am not going to try to correct your poem; much has been done already, so just a few points to help you.
 In this short piece the word ‘She’ appears eleven times, far too many, easily sorted by given her a name, re-phrasing the line etc.

Love poems are notorious for clichés and are difficult for a new writer to avoid but if you wish not to write what others have written thousands of times before then avoiding the obvious is paramount.
Lastly I’ve found the best way to improve is to read and absorb good poetry, even a song lyric can stand as love poetry, Paul Simmons ‘Kathy’s Song’ is a good example.

 Regards.
John.


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## NeenaDiHope (May 24, 2017)

Thank you for your advise. I will keep your points in mind for my next piece. I'm always looking to improve my writing


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