# The Tale of Timothy.



## tarunerebel (Apr 21, 2011)

In his car driving to a job interview sat a young man named Timothy. Timothy just graduated from Kaplan College with a Bachelor's degree in medicine and he was ready to put his skills to the test. Timothy spent nearly every moment of his life chasing his dream to be the most professional, talented, and famous physician ever to lay his hands on a stethoscope. Now, Timothy's dream was standing right in front of him. Waiting.....

Timothy had applied for a job at Triumph hospital, one of the most trusted and renowned medical centers in the city. Only the best managed to get the privilege of working there. Timothy was confident he had what it takes. Timothy parked his car, grabbed his suitcase, and exited the vehicle. He straightened his collar, took a deep breath, and made his way toward the hospital entrance.

When entering the lobby, Timothy carried an aurora of professionalism and confidence that managed to catch the attention of the many people visiting the hospital. They looked at him as if he already worked there. Timothy walked over to the reception desk.

"Good morning Ma'am, I'm Timothy Carrigas. I am applying for a job here."

"Would you please wait a moment Mr. Carrigas? Let me notify Mr. Jarenson of your arrival. You are expected?"

"Yes I am."

"Please give me five minutes."

"Certainly."

Mr. Gordon E. Jarenson and Timothy were acquaintances. In fact, Mr. Jarenson's son Michael happened to be Timothy's best friend since high school. Michael told his father about Timothy's prowess as a physician and a medicinal practitioner. After looking over some of Timothy's records and achievements, Mr. Jarenson noticed the potential within Timothy and decided to give him a chance to work at his hospital.

Timothy took a seat on one of the waiting benches in the room. He looked around at some of the visitors. Across from Timothy sat a young man in formal attire who seemed as healthy as a hare. But Timothy was taught that looks can indeed be deceiving. Someone who looked in perfect physical condition could have any number of life threatening diseases. Sitting to the right of Timothy was a woman in her late eighties. Timothy didn't even care why she was there. To his left, two kids, a boy and a girl, sat alongside their mother. The woman seemed distraught, as did the kids.

"Mrs. Madison?"

The woman rose and hastily headed toward the reception desk, followed by her kids. The kids stood on their tip-toes as they stared at the receptionist over the desk which reached above their necks. There was an exchange of inaudible dialogue. The woman's expression changed from a look of fear, to the face of shock. She stood there, unflinching. Then burst into a uncontrolled fit of tears. The kids exchanged confused glances at each other before they followed their mother out of the lobby.

Timothy sadly watched them walk through the automatic doors and out to the parking lot. Timothy was reminded of why he made his decision to become a doctor... When he was 12, while waiting for the bus to school, Timothy witnessed a traumatic car accident. A minivan stuffed to the roof with riders broke down right before it entered a intersection. The vehicle behind them, a pickup truck with steel bumpers, was being driven by a young man who fell asleep at the wheel. The truck veered from side to side and slammed into the rear end of the minivan. The impact pushed the van into the intersection. The occupants, still in shock from being hit, couldn't act fast enough to get out of the vehicle. The van was struck on it's the side from the oncoming traffic. The van flipped over several times before landing on it's side. All the occupants died immediately except for a middle-aged woman and the driver. The driver was unconscious and bleeding from a wound to the head and from numerous cuts on his body. The woman was unhurt physically, but was emotionally traumatized. She frantically tried to get the bodies out of the van and tried waking the dead victims. After she got everyone out of the wreck she sat in the middle of the bodies and cried. The paramedics, onlookers, reporters, and the victim's friends and families began to swarm at the scene. Timothy watched with moist eyes as the families and friends of the dead began to break down in tears as they saw their loved ones on the blood-stained asphalt; dead. At that moment, something within Timothy snapped. He wished he could help those people. He wished he could put an end to their grieving. He realized that the victims were dead before the medics arrived, and no medical attention could of saved them. But he thought of all the other people out there who had loved-ones seriously injured or ill. He knew something could be done to keep those people from going through the same suffering the families and friends of the victims did. The tragic accident gave birth to a dream that would change Timothy's life.

"Mr. Carrigas?"

Timothy jolted back into reality.

"Mr. Carrigas?"

"I'm here!" Timothy rose and strode over to the receptionist.

"Mr. Jarenson will see you now. His office is room H16 on the sixth floor."

"Thank you."

Timothy regained his composure and looked around for an elevator. Seeing one nearby the bench he was sitting, he walked to the elevator, went in, and punched the button for the sixth floor. The door was about to close when an arm slid between the closing doors, forcing them to re-open. A man wearing a gray suit over a white polo entered the elevator. The man punched the button for floor six and leaned against the walls of the elevator. Timothy recognized the man as the gentleman who sat across from him in the lobby. 

The doors closed and the elevator began it's way upward. Timothy was aching to know why the man was visiting the hospital. The man was calm, energetic, and in perfect shape. Why then did he come here? Timothy's curiosity boiled up to the point where he could stand it for no longer.

"Well what brings you to this fine medical establishment?" asked Timothy.

"Cancer."

Timothy felt like he got hit in the face with a brick.

"Bone cancer, if you are the kind who prefers to be specific. Pretty rare cancer I've heard. I'm here for my radiotherapy. Nice place. I'm Benny Gonzales by the way."

"Timothy Carrigas."

Timothy was too stunned to say any more. It was the way Benny said it that bothered him. Benny told him he had cancer "Happily", or so Timothy thought. Timothy found it odd that someone could so easily blurt out to a stranger that he had a horrible disease that everyone dreads. Timothy even considered that Benny was joking. What kind of person isn't distraught by the thought of having cancer?

"Tell me," Benny asked, "What exactly brings YOU here?"

"Hopefully going to get a job here."

"Thats cool. Those doctors get a lot of dough nowadays." Benny grinned. 

A loud DING notified the two that Benny reached his destination.

"See ya around!" said Benny cheerfully as he exited the elevator.

As the doors slowly shut, all of the questions Timothy wanted to ask lost their chance of finding answers. Timothy couldn't stop thinking about Benny. He wondered how could Benny be so happy despite having the most feared and despised disease ever to affect mankind. Then he thought of his uncle Tom. Uncle Tom died of cancer seven years back. Timothy remembered how his uncle used to jokingly use his condition as an excuse to abstain from participating in any activities he disliked. Tom lived the last days of his life happily in his home in Oakland Grove, Oregon.

"I guess some people can use optimism to their advantage. If you think about it, it would be much better to have cancer and be happy than to be healthy and depressed. At least I think so." thought Timothy.

The familiar DING again made the elevator bell's presence known. The doors opened and Timothy stepped out.

"Excuse me," asked Timothy of a passing nurse. "Do you know of room H16's whereabouts?"

"Last door on the right."

Timothy was too excited to respond. He started heading down the hallway. When he reached the door to room H16 he stopped. He lifted his fist to knock on the door, but he stopped himself. 

"This is it." He thought. "Theres no turning back now. This is what I've been preparing for my entire life. I hope this is the start of a long and promising career."

Timothy Knocked. The sound of fist striking wood echoed in Timothy's mind.

"Come in."

The words seemed to beckon him. Timothy took a deep breath, straightened his collar yet again, straightened his posture, and opened the door to destiny.





Constructive Criticism is always useful!
Comment and let me know what you think!


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## garza (Apr 21, 2011)

The first problem is Timothy's degree. A bachelors is only a first step toward becoming a doctor. Most pre-med students earn their bachelors degree in one of the sciences, the most popular being biology. 

You need to provide more details about Timothy's degree, his plans for further education, and what kind of job he's applying for at the hospital. Obviously he can't be a doctor for many years yet.


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## tarunerebel (Apr 22, 2011)

Thx for letting me know.


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## garza (Apr 22, 2011)

Do some building and reworking of background, but don't lay it all out in a lump. Spread it out, as you have done with what you presented here.


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## Cambyses (Apr 22, 2011)

I'm not sure if I would load this* information into the first two sentences.  Maybe try describing Timothy sitting in the car, showing us the scenery, rather than just telling us.

*In his car driving to a job interview sat a young man named Timothy. Timothy just graduated from Kaplan College with a Bachelor's degree in medicine and he was ready to put his skills to the test.


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## MrLightening (Apr 23, 2011)

Hi There!
I'm new here, but I thought I'd put forward my opinion anyway 
Your skills as a writer / storyteller need some work. The good news is  your English / grammar is fine, and believe me that is nothing to take  for granted. But your storytelling is a little off. The Tale of Timothy  is a short story. One rule about short stories is, keep things to a  minimum. Only tell your readers information they need to know. Garza's  advice to include MORE information is way off base, especially for this  story. You have already lost readers with the onslaught of information  already!
What Cambyses has written is spot on. You are loading up of details,  facts, names, events, places; but not giving your readers any kind of  great reading experience. Your tone is optimistic and light, which can  work in some cases, but not here. This story needs more conflict. Your  character needs more emotion. You have to engage your reader as if you  were writing the last words you would ever say in this life; you need to  write with more urgency. Think about the stories that you like to read,  and why you like to read them. Analyze these stories and figure out the  tricks the author is using to manipulate your thoughts and emotions.  Then implement these in your writing.
Hope these comments are useful


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## garza (Apr 23, 2011)

tarunerebel - When I said building and reworking the background I meant you need to research more and get your facts straight. Maybe I used a term with which you aren't familiar. Background is what _you_ know, not what you write for the reader. Background is all the information you have about your subject. From that you pick and choose what you need to put in the story. Having sufficient background means you don't make errors in what you give the reader. About a ten to one ratio is minimum. That is, you need to know ten times as much about a subject as what you put in the story. The stronger your background, the more believable your story.

You make it sound as though Timothy is going to interview to be a doctor when he only has a bachelors degree. Your lack of background shows there. You say he has a degree in medicine. He dosen't. At this point he has a pre-med degree with hopes of going on. Maybe he has a degree in biology or chemistry and is applying to be a lab assistant. To understand this you need to build your background. You need to research what a person needs to be a doctor. Then what you present in your story will be correct. 

You need to bring Timothy into sharper focus. You spend a lot of words, tell us a lot, but you don't tell us what we really need to know. Reduce your word count by about half in getting to this point in the story, but use the words better. That long paragraph about the auto wreck can be cut by two-thirds without losing the essence. 

As this is only the introduction to the story, the level of conflict is perhaps limited but needs at least to be hinted at. See Sam W's article in this month's WF Newsletter.


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