# Ex Human



## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

You lie on the ground
Crying in pain
You beg me for mercy
To spare you life
Indeed it is reasonable 
To make such a request
For it is human nature 
To show mercy
Even you have shown mercy
Was not death better than pain?
And did they not beg for it?
So of course a fellow 
Human would have the capability 
To give mercy
But there is just one problem
Unlike you I gave up
Being human a long time ago
And that last breath 
Is such a pleasant sound.


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## SvirVolgate (Apr 21, 2012)

I think this poem is interesting, but it leaves me wanting more. I keep looking for something to really hold on to, something that makes this poem memorable. The issue seems to be its lack of image. You hit on some grand abstractions like pain, mercy, and death, but all those kind of words are pretty forgettable. Try showing those abstractions through concrete images built from simile and metaphor. Keep at it and I think this could be a very successful piece. 

-Rob


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

SvirVolgate said:


> I think this poem is interesting, but it leaves me wanting more. I keep looking for something to really hold on to, something that makes this poem memorable. The issue seems to be its lack of image. You hit on some grand abstractions like pain, mercy, and death, but all those kind of words are pretty forgettable. Try showing those abstractions through concrete images built from simile and metaphor. Keep at it and I think this could be a very successful piece.
> 
> -Rob


 Thanks Rob, this piece is already complete. I'm going to have to agree with some other poets. Completing a poem makes it stop being a poem. Poetry is an art in where everything is there, but it doesn't have to be upfront. You leave something in the air, but it is still graspable. This is one of the reasons that poems can have such an extensive reach, by not concluding themselves they also do not seclude themselves. If they are left open many people can relate to it while not relating to each other. I have a first hand experience with this through a song by Jaden Lavik. The song was about something in his own life, probably not even what was happening in my family, yet it fit perfectly to what was going on in our lives. Because he did associate his song with specific events, many people could relate to it. Of course this depends on the poem you are making.


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## SvirVolgate (Apr 21, 2012)

I believe you are just reaffirming what I was suggesting. I want to see more specificity in this poem through images.


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

SvirVolgate said:


> I believe you are just reaffirming what I was suggesting. I want to see more specificity in this poem through images.


Ha! Now that I reread your statement, I find that it doesn't say what I thought it said. 

I like to withhold as much detail as I can when I write poetry so that the reader can infer much yet still keep the concept that I had in mind. Thanks for the advice, but this poem most likely won't receive any alterations. I believe we have gone over this before in another poem of mine


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## Kevin (Apr 21, 2012)

It seems to be very... novel-esq.  It's only over 'cause you say it's over. You could re-animate if you so choose. (I'd start with a  hammer to imobilize, and then a scalpel...) But I get it. Sometimes you're just done with it. Then again, sometimes it's fun to just rip it apart, and then put it all back together, hopefully better.( this reads as rather 'creepy' but i was inspired)


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## DouglasMB (Apr 21, 2012)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> Ha! Now that I reread your statement, I find that it doesn't say what I thought it said.
> 
> I like to withhold as much detail as I can when I write poetry so that the reader can infer much yet still keep the concept that I had in mind. Thanks for the advice, but this poem most likely won't receive any alterations. I believe we have gone over this before in another poem of mine


 
  I learned this is a fiction writing class... less is more... you need some detail but you need to leave a good bit out so the reader can make the char or whatever their own... once they have ownership they tend to care more about it and it becomes more valuable to them... and you want nothing more than to have a reader value your work.   

  just my thoughts... or actaully an instructors lol


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

Kevin said:


> It seems to be very... novel-esq.  It's only over 'cause you say it's over. You could re-animate if you so choose. (I'd start with a  hammer to imobilize, and then a scalpel...) But I get it. Sometimes you're just done with it. Then again, sometimes it's fun to just rip it apart, and then put it all back together, hopefully better.( this reads as rather 'creepy' but i was inspired)


 True, with just this concept you could write a short story or even a whole novel just by basing the protagonist off of this speaker. 



DouglasMB said:


> I learned this is a fiction writing class... less is more... you need some detail but you need to leave a good bit out so the reader can make the char or whatever their own... once they have ownership they tend to care more about it and it becomes more valuable to them... and you want nothing more than to have a reader value your work.
> 
> just my thoughts... or actaully an instructors lol


 It is nice to have other readers value your work, and I appreciate it when they do. But I write for my own pleasure, so when someone asks me to change my writings because they want it, I tend to become slightly offended that they put themselves or myself and completely disregard my writing, though this is most likely not the case because we as humans tend to make such requests without thinking about that. 

If what you want conflicts with what I want, then your request may very well be ignored. But I do appreciate any advice that is given.


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## DouglasMB (Apr 21, 2012)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> True, with just this concept you could write a short story or even a whole novel just by basing the protagonist off of this speaker.
> 
> It is nice to have other readers value your work, and I appreciate it when they do. But I write for my own pleasure, so when someone asks me to change my writings because they want it, I tend to become slightly offended that they put themselves or myself and completely disregard my writing, though this is most likely not the case because we as humans tend to make such requests without thinking about that.
> 
> If what you want conflicts with what I want, then your request may very well be ignored. But I do appreciate any advice that is given.



I said all of what I said to agree with you... "I like to withhold as much detail as I can when I write poetry so that the reader can infer much... "  that less is more... that is all i was saying


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## SvirVolgate (Apr 21, 2012)

I can't disagree more. Simple images are wonderful. That is what makes poetry powerful, but simply withholding information from a read so s/he can fill in the blanks is just kind of a lazy technique. The goal is to tell a story or express a feeling though gripping images. The more specific the images are the better. Take a novel, or even better, a memoir, the main character's story is a very personal account which doesn't exactly represent the reader's experiences as a human being, but we connect to the plot and people involved because it is specific rather than vague. Even internet means which describe very specific instances in a mundane life become more powerful (funnier, more memorable, easier to relate to) because of how specific the image described is. 

I'm hardly an esteemed professor of creative writing, but I like to think I'm on my way. All of my professors, favorite authors, speakers I've gone to hear read their poetry, keep telling me the same thing.


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

DouglasMB said:


> I said all of what I said to agree with you... "I like to withhold as much detail as I can when I write poetry so that the reader can infer much... "  that less is more... that is all i was saying


 My apologies, I did not attempt to appear correcting. I agree with you and I thank you for agreeing with me, I was just simply explaining my opinion.



SvirVolgate said:


> I can't disagree more. Simple images are wonderful. That is what makes poetry powerful, but simply withholding information from a read so s/he can fill in the blanks is just kind of a lazy technique. The goal is to tell a story or express a feeling though gripping images. The more specific the images are the better. Take a novel, or even better, a memoir, the main character's story is a very personal account which doesn't exactly represent the reader's experiences as a human being, but we connect to the plot and people involved because it is specific rather than vague. Even internet means which describe very specific instances in a mundane life become more powerful (funnier, more memorable, easier to relate to) because of how specific the image described is.
> 
> I'm hardly an esteemed professor of creative writing, but I like to think I'm on my way. All of my professors, favorite authors, speakers I've gone to hear read their poetry, keep telling me the same thing.


 I wrote it the way I wanted to write and it's not going to change, so we can cut this damned chit chat. This is not a story nor is it an attempt to tell a story.


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## SvirVolgate (Apr 21, 2012)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> My apologies, I did not attempt to appear correcting. I agree with you and I thank you for agreeing with me, I was just simply explaining my opinion.
> 
> I wrote it the way I wanted to write and it's not going to change, so we can cut this damned chit chat. This is not a story nor is it an attempt to tell a story.




Now I remember why I stopped coming here. If you don't want advice then why did you bother posting?


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

SvirVolgate said:


> Now I remember why I stopped coming here. If you don't want advice then why did you bother posting?


I post because I want to post my writing. I welcome any advice but I ask that it not be based solely on personal opinion, and I try to give others the same courtesy. You are entitled to your opinion and I wont ask you to change it. I did not want to get personal, so I gave you an excuse hoping that you would understand and not continue with the argument. Your argument is valid, I just do not want it discussed here.

I apologize for coming out on you, but frankly I am tired of receiving "advice" from others that is only a request for me to alter my writing to their wants. I understand that this was not you intention and that you were only trying to be helpful, but I have encountered others who were not trying to be helpful on several of my pieces and it was wearing me down. Again, I apologize for attacking you, I would like for this site to remain an encouraging and helpful place, and I did not help that cause today.


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## Jon M (Apr 21, 2012)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> I welcome any advice but I ask that it not be based solely on personal opinion,


Advice that is not based on opinion. I have not heard of this strange phenomenon. Why, it sounds downright impossible!


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

Jon M said:


> Advice that is not based on opinion. I have not heard of this strange phenomenon. Why, it sounds downright impossible!


 Undeniable misswording on my part. My problem is, is that people have critiqued my writings and have given advice for alteration based on their own personal preferences, and often times it doesn't even flow with the theme of the writing. I was tired of this and I came out on Rob even thought I shouldn't have.


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## Lilly Davidson (Apr 21, 2012)

S.M. grimbldoo said:


> You lie on the ground
> Crying in pain
> You beg me for mercy
> To spare you life
> ...



I am new on here so I am not sure how to critique pieces by others. I am going to just say what the poem says to me. I hope that is ok. 

This poem is to me about a psychopath, someone who has no empathy. Or maybe it is about someone who was once warm and human but who has suffered so much that they lost all faith in humanity. The last two lines especially are so chilling. It speaks of no return, no mercy, only revenge. 

Am I even a bit on the right lines? Please tell us what you intended and what gave you the ideas.


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 21, 2012)

Lilly Davidson said:


> I am new on here so I am not sure how to critique pieces by others. I am going to just say what the poem says to me. I hope that is ok.
> 
> This poem is to me about a psychopath, someone who has no empathy. Or maybe it is about someone who was once warm and human but who has suffered so much that they lost all faith in humanity. The last two lines especially are so chilling. It speaks of no return, no mercy, only revenge.
> 
> Am I even a bit on the right lines? Please tell us what you intended and what gave you the ideas.


 Welcome and thank you for your critique. He is not a psychopath, he has just suffered so much pain and loss that he gave up his human ideals.


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## Lilly Davidson (Apr 22, 2012)

Hi Grimldoo, 

at least I was partly on the right track. Pain and loss can of course deaden feelings and that is what I felt in your poem. Did you ever read 'K-Pax'? It is a novel and was made into a film. It deals with deep psychological damage. Somehow your poem reminds me of it. 

Please forgive me if I upset you in thinking your poem was about a pyschopath. I like to throw in whatever idea comes to me and would never want to hurt anyone by doing so. Writing is about freedom to explore endless ideas. I liked your piece very much.


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 22, 2012)

Lilly Davidson said:


> Hi Grimldoo,
> 
> at least I was partly on the right track. Pain and loss can of course deaden feelings and that is what I felt in your poem. Did you ever read 'K-Pax'? It is a novel and was made into a film. It deals with deep psychological damage. Somehow your poem reminds me of it.
> 
> Please forgive me if I upset you in thinking your poem was about a pyschopath. I like to throw in whatever idea comes to me and would never want to hurt anyone by doing so. Writing is about freedom to explore endless ideas. I liked your piece very much.


 No worries, as people that are like the speaker are considered psychopaths.


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## Firemajic (Apr 23, 2012)

Dear-- Dear S.M.---please do not struggle with these kind and generous comments....they are only ment to inspire you--pique your intrest in seeing your work in a different manner...say "Thank you for reading and responding"  and move on . Comments are a GOOD thing--you have made other writers read and think about what you have to say.  You may NOT agree--and that is fine with everyone. Writing--and indeed life is a constant work in progress. If you are not learning--then your wonderful work can NOT grow and mature...manners matter.  peace my friend.  Your poetry is always a pleasure to read.  Jul


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 23, 2012)

Oh Jul, 
I'm embarrassed that you stumbled upon this. Yet again, I let my emotions get the best of me and I have offended another fellow writer.


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## Kevin (Apr 23, 2012)

Well, you have to give yourself a break. Many of us suffer from 'foot in mouth' disease. I know I do. Look at poor Ron Artess(metaworldpeace)


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 24, 2012)

Kevin said:


> Well, you have to give yourself a break. Many of us suffer from 'foot in mouth' disease. I know I do. Look at poor Ron Artess(metaworldpeace)


I believe that my foot is a little shriveled by now.


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## Kevin (Apr 24, 2012)

lol, something to do with humility, er humidity. I often have to tell myself to 'put a sock on(in?) it'


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## S.M. grimbldoo (Apr 24, 2012)

Kevin said:


> lol, something to do with humility, er humidity. I often have to tell myself to 'put a sock on(in?) it'


Don't forget to change the sock once and a while.


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