# I dont know, I really dont



## zero (Nov 26, 2004)

I have no idea where this feeling of hopelessness came from, all I know is it’s here, and doesn’t seem to want to go away. I just keep thinking about how life is so boring, almost like its not worth living at times. This feeling came up on me all of a sudden this morning, and with no weed to combat it, it has been running its course through my sober mind like a rampaging beast through the wild jungles. How long do you have to know someone before scraping thier pipe?



It’s hard to describe, like a cloak of darkness covering your soul. The moment I think I’m happy, It all closes in on me. I get the feeling that nothing will ever be fun again, that I’ll never smile, and that I will go nowhere from this point. The only thing that keeps me going now is the hope that this small pile of resin can help me out a bit. Who knows, mabey it will.



The old cliché “I need drugs to be happy” seems to describe me perfectly. Does that make me an addict? At this point I really don’t care what anyone thinks, this world is fucked anyways, and I will use whatever tools available to help ease my mind. Society’s preconceived notions can kiss my ass, If this is who I am, why fight it?



Why even deny it? Hell yeah, I’m addicted to what I like to do, and mabey it is the only thing that makes me happy. Mabey it’s the only thing that stops me from being a homicidal maniac. Why would anyone even care, it’s my life, and I’ll live it how I want to. Ok, the resin scraping process is done.



The first hit was good. To tell the truth, I’ve had this feeling before. The feeling of immobility, of time passing you by, of being trapped in a place you feel you are never going to ever leave.



The second hit was even better. When I think back to the last time I was really depressed like this and think about the time inbetween, it proves that I was wrong. So much happened, and it was cool, though I never thought anything would be cool again ever. Yep, I was wrong that time.



The third hit was nice, the fourth got me high. I’m beginning to see a new perspective on things. I think depression is a feeling that comes to us all, at some point in our lives, and we just have to find a way to deal with it. Whatever works right? And for me, resin worked.



Ok, I’m high and I’ve taken off the dreary suicidal music I was listening to. My depression has been replaced by a happy indifference. I mean, if I am addicted, like I said earlier, it’s not to a drug, it’s to a happy feeling. It could be called an addiction to being a nicer person, or having a better outlook, or liking yourself or your world a little better. Jesus Christ, I can’t believe some people have the nerve to call drugs bad.



Ok, Now I’m just pissed. Not depressed like earlier, not “I hate the world”, more like “I wanna kill the world”. And I want to do it myself. Personally. I got resin in my mouth, and we all know that can turn a nice smoke session into a disaster. Luckily, I got water. Only one drink, but it’s water none the less.



Now I am coming to the realization that I scraped this chicks pipe. And it wont be the last time either, I plan on doing it again later. I have betrayed the sacred trust of another stoner. What a shitbag, I should be drug out in the street and beaten with cattle prods until……..or, wait, me? No. Someone else though for sure.



I can’t even remember why I started writing this, I got really high off that resin. Wow. I’m impressed, a lot of weed doesn’t get me this high. It’s older resin, mabey it improves with age. Cause right now I only smoke new resin, and it never gets me this high. Hell, I might even pay for this shit. Well, no, no I wouldn’t, but it’s not bad for free.



Anyways, um, yeah.


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## fabric_letters (Oct 10, 2014)

.......ummmm yeah dude!!! ​


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## Plasticweld (Oct 11, 2014)

Well Zero I am not really going to comment on the content of what you wrote as my perspective on life and things is very different.  I will say it is well written and you have presented this in a very readable style.  While you may have not figured out a few things in life, you obviously in my opinion, have a good handle on writing.  This is written with a gut retching honesty that has impact and power, no small feat. 


Welcome back to the forum.  I see your last post was more than 9 years ago. I am looking forward to seeing more of your work...Bob


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## The Defenestrator (Oct 13, 2014)

Well damn.  I dig, man.  As someone who has suffered from depression, and done drugs, it captures the perspective on both pretty well -- which is all I can ask as a reader.  I could read this easily and I was able to connect to the sentiments.  SO yeah.  Thanks for sharing.


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