# Life Will Be The Death Of Me!



## Firemajic (Aug 20, 2018)

*I found Puff, the rat with the Pink Floyd hat
in the Garden of the Gods
and we blew our mind one last time
because we couldn't beat life's odds

Puff said life is an idiot's illusion anyway
just a cruel sadistic joke
the length of time uncertain
all our dreams disappear like smoke

He said death is life's only gift
a final severing of a dreamer's chains
freedom's robes at last unblemished
washed clean in cosmic rain

He had crystal snow up his nose
and ice imbedded in his brain
when he realized his immorality 
he joyfully went insane

He flung his soul back to the stars
shattered it against infinite night
and what was once a burned out Junkie
became a nebulous light

His Pink Floyd hat morphed into a halo
spinning madly around his head
he was now a revered philosopher
for the Dreamers of the living dead

He beckoned me to follow
I said Puff I am afraid to die
but when I left life's lie far behind
I finally felt alive.... 


*


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## Kevin (Aug 20, 2018)

I might change He had in S3 to something without he in it to break the pattern of He. 

Infinite lost me. Too nebulous. 

Overall: Something different. Thank you


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## Underd0g (Aug 20, 2018)

Couldn't help but read stanza #6 in Bob Dylan's voice.


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## Firemajic (Aug 20, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> *
> I found Puff, the rat with the Pink Floyd hat
> in the Garden of the Gods
> and we blew our mind one last time
> ...





Kevin said:


> I might change He had in S3 to something without he in it to break the pattern of He.
> 
> Infinite lost me. Too nebulous.
> 
> Overall: Something different. Thank you



Thank you, Kevin, I did not realize I used so many "he's"... I corrected the problem... thanks for your help, and thank you for reading...  





Underd0g said:


> Couldn't help but read stanza #6 in Bob Dylan's voice.




so cool  thanks for sharing your thoughts with me...I appreciate...


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 21, 2018)

'Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat', What a great image, and he has some good stuff to say. My only caveat is that it has so many 'extra' words, like Kevin says a lot of 'he's' for a start, but also things like 'I found...' which are easily implied.

Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat
Was in the garden of the Gods,
We blew our mind one last time,
but couldn't beat life's odds.


For me not having anything else in the first line intensifies the image, it feels more rhythmical and 'We' shows you were there with him, and you don't need to repeat it.

Punctuation helps,


Puff said, "Life's an idiot's illusion,
A cruel, sadistic joke,
length of time uncertain
Dreams disappear like smoke."


"Death is life's only gift
Severing a dreamers chains
Freedom's robes unblemished
Washed clean in cosmic rain"

Using the "inverted commas" takes away the need to repeat 'He said', and taking away the qualifying words like 'just', 'all', 'a final' etc. make it more 'immediate', for me anyway.


I hope this helps, though I thoroughly enjoyed it as it was, some lovely stuff in there.


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## ned (Aug 21, 2018)

hello - a terrific poem - that was a surprising and entertaining read.

chock-full of dead-end abstractions, but that is the nature of mind-blown poetry...

some different word-choices, that might help the flow and meaning-

all our dreams go up in smoke - severing = breaking - immorality = immortality - joyfully = gladly
not fond of morphed - became/changed?

thanks for the trip.......................Ned


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## Firemajic (Aug 21, 2018)

Olly Buckle said:


> 'Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat', What a great image, and he has some good stuff to say. My only caveat is that it has so many 'extra' words, like Kevin says a lot of 'he's' for a start, but also things like 'I found...' which are easily implied.
> 
> Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat
> Was in the garden of the Gods,
> ...





ned said:


> hello - a terrific poem - that was a surprising and entertaining read.
> 
> 
> Dear Olly, you busted me...  I drifted into purple prose... I am going to clean this up according to your comments and I will post it later... thank you for crackin the whip! love ya bunches...
> ...



Hello, Ned  I am not fond of "morphed" either... but do not know how to express it better except to use the word changed... yeah... changed would work... thank you so much ... your comments I treasure...


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## jenthepen (Aug 21, 2018)

I love all the imagery and the non-repentant vibe. I look forward to the tightened-up version because that's all this delicious poem needs. 

Oh yeah, and the title is just great!


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## Firemajic (Aug 21, 2018)

Firemajic said:


> *
> 
> REVISED
> 
> ...





Olly Buckle said:


> 'Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat', What a great image, and he has some good stuff to say. My only caveat is that it has so many 'extra' words, like Kevin says a lot of 'he's' for a start, but also things like 'I found...' which are easily implied.
> 
> Puff the rat in the pink Floyd hat
> Was in the garden of the Gods,
> ...




This is the less "prosy" version  thank you Olly and kevin ....I hope you approve...

The Rat wearing the Pink Floyd hat appeared in another poem, and is based on a Real person... a true friend who passed away this year, due to an overdose of prescription drugs.... he got off the "hard stuff" ... but became addicted to the very drug prescribed to keep him "clean"...


Thank you, Jen my Friend  I appreciate your fabulous comments... they mean so much to me...


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## Olly Buckle (Aug 21, 2018)

Is leaving life's lie behind different from leaving it far behind?  I hope you will go on making tweaks, there are a few places, but I think this is a great improvement.

Compare the de dum de dum type rhythms of 'The Pink Floyd hat changed into a halo' and the other three lines in the stanza, that happens a couple of places in varying degrees.

My first recourse in such situations is to reverse the elements, hat became halo, turns into halo made from hat, and try it that way, in this case the single syllable 'made' might help the rhythm? The problem then, of course, is how it affects other lines, does it seem like the hat spinning?

Good luck, it is a very good read as it stands, but I would take your time over it, stand back and let it soak in. Reading about poets I discovered that Wilfred Owen spent eighteen months working on some of his, and diaries reveal Wordsworth was re-using and re-combining ideas that were a decade old.


Sometimes those in authority get it so wrong, when I was young doctors were allowed to prescribe heroin to addicts, from what I have seen the methadone they are supposed to supply to replace it nowadays has far worse effects on their patients. Heroin is a pain killer, and the people who use it are in pain without it, it is the pain they need help with. The particular drugs may be different, but I bet the principle of people making decisions for others on something they understand incompletely is true,  I am very sorry for your friend.


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## Firemajic (Aug 21, 2018)

Thank you so much, Olly... I will continue to revisit this poem and work hard to improve...

My friend,The Desert Rat really did wear a Pink Floyd hat, and he lived his life "comfortably numb".... it helped him deal with the horror of his time served in Viet Nam.... his wisdom was stunning when he was high...


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## tinacrabapple (Aug 22, 2018)

No suggestions!  Smooth read- some really fun stanzas.

This was the strongest stanza for me:

*He flung his soul back to the stars
shattered it against eternity's night
what was a burned out Junkie
became a nebulous light

Groovy read!  Thanks!*


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## SilverMoon (Aug 23, 2018)

So much to this poem! It’s enchanting in manner of portraying forlornness, playfulness, togetherness, fear, beauty and resolve. Meanings are brilliantly cloaked. You’ve outdone yourself with something new but without abandoning that special gift of yours – portraying the “haunt” in life.  In a very good way, I had to dust off my thinking cap. 

Of course, I went straight to “Puff the Magic Dragon” popularized in the 60’s, interpreted as a drug song._ (It was initially a poem written by a Cornell student about the end of childhood innocence_).

I wondered why your word choice of “rat” apart from it rhyming with “hat”? I thought swapping it with “drac” (dragon) would make more sense then I read:



> My friend,The Desert Rat really did wear a Pink Floyd hat, and he lived his life "comfortably numb".... it helped him deal with the horror of his time served in Viet Nam.... his wisdom was stunning when he was high...



I had to look up “Desert Rat”. Maybe include “desert”, fleshing out meaning? It would make for good assonance, as well.

Or just go for “magic drac”. It sounds like your friend was very magical 

*REVISED

Puff, the **desert** rat wearing his Pink Floyd hat *or
*Puff, the **magic* *drac* *wearing his Pink Floyd hat*
*was in the **Garden of the Gods *simply beautiful, picturesque
*we blew our mind one last time* that “tripy togetherness”
*we couldn't beat life's odds

Puff said" life**’s** is an idiot's illusion *for better flow?
*a cruel sadistic joke*
*the length of time uncertain *the brutal truth – a heart pound, here
*our dreams disappear like smoke" *Great! “Toke”

*"death is life's only gift
severing a dreamer's chains*
*freedom's robes unblemished
washed clean in cosmic rain*" Love these lines. Great personification and alliteration

*Crystal snow went up his nose *“Cocaine” “Crystal Meth” – _Clever!_
*ice imbedded in his brain
when he saw his immorality 
he joyfully went insane *Is not “Insanity” the best escape?

*He flung his soul back to the stars
shattered it against eternity's night
what was (once) a burned out Junkie
became a nebulous light *This imagery is stunning*!

The Pink Floyd hat changed into a halo *Uncertain? Thinking "became" ?
*spinning madly around his head
now he's a revered philosopher
for the Dreamers of the undead *A beautifully put “transformation!!”

*He beckoned me and I followed
I said " I am afraid to die"
but as I left life's lie far behind
I finally felt alive.... *I cannot think of a more perfect close!

J- A magnificent and very moving homage to your friend and the friendship you shared. L-


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## Firemajic (Aug 26, 2018)

Dear SilverMoon, I love that you understood everything I was trying to express... the subtle... and the not so subtle  Thank you so much for the careful reading of my poem, saying" I appreciate it ",is mere crumbs...


Thank you Tinacrabapple, that is also my favorite stanza... thank you for commenting, I appreciate


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