# Out On the Roof



## Nellie (Feb 11, 2016)

Piercing cries from the powder room
were heard moments before noon,
a bellowing scream silenced all
as they watched her fateful fall,
she found her way on to the roof
for this was her ultimate proof,
love is patient and love is kind
now is his time to seek and find
another adoring, caring wife
who will give all with her life.


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## Firemajic (Feb 11, 2016)

Well ... this is bruuutal! Nellie, a tale of "Love" gone bad... That last line... KILLER! [ pun not intended] really, it was a stroke of genius..


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## ned (Feb 11, 2016)

a haunting and moody poem - told with a good 'voice'

the rhythm trips up here and there - which detracts from the sombre mood.

Piercing cries from the powder room
were heard moments before noon, - the opening needs to be smooth - 
jiggle the words - change some if you must - to help the rhythm
example - the hard beat is in bold..
Mo*ments* be*fore* the *strike *of *noon*,
a *pierci*ngcry from the *pow*der room

try to be consistant with it,  for a smoother ride.
if noon is not important, try afternoon with weather conditions, for a bit of atmosphere.


love is patient and love is kind
now is his time to seek and find - the hard beat is on a passive 'is' - now's his time - simple
think about these things, because the ideas and the volcabulary are great - so let them flow!

she found her way on to the roof - sounds like she fell on the roof - perhaps re-order for clarity

 she found her way on to the roof 
for this was her ultimate proof, 
Piercing cries from the powder rooom
were heard moments before noon,
 
a bellowing scream silenced all
as they watched her fateful fall,
love is patient and love is kind
now is his time to seek and find
another adoring, caring wife
who will give all with her life.

just some thoughts - no idea what happened to the formatting!

cheers
Ned
 ​


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## Nellie (Feb 11, 2016)

ned said:


> a haunting and moody poem - told with a good 'voice'
> 
> the rhythm trips up here and there - which detracts from the sombre mood.
> 
> ...




IMO, "the *strike* of noon" sounds like an attack and in this poem, one is already under attack.





			
				ned said:
			
		

> love is patient and love is kind
> now is his time to seek and find - the hard beat is on a passive 'is' - now's his time - simple
> think about these things, because the ideas and the volcabulary are great - so let them flow!



thanks for pointing that out.




			
				ned said:
			
		

> she found her way on to the roof - sounds like she fell on the roof - perhaps re-order for clarity


:scratch: I do not understand. How does one get the idea that she "fell" on the roof?




> just some thoughts - no idea what happened to the formatting!
> 
> cheers
> Ned


 ​?


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## ned (Feb 12, 2016)

weary sigh -

I go to some lengths to explain how the rhythm of this poem is off, and how it can be fixed by showing an example -
just a knocked-out line showing the beat/stresses in roughly the right places.
but somehow, you completely missed the point -.
I'm not one for writing other people's poetry!

I do not understand. How does one get the idea that she "fell" on the roof?
because *you* wrote-

as they watched her fateful fall,
she found her way on to the roof

no idea what happened to the formatting!
it's pretty clear that the formatting in my post (and this one!) is all over the place - go figure.

it's one thing having to explain one's work - but having to re-state the blindingly obvious is rather tedious.
please Nellie, take the same care and time in understanding my critiques as I give in trying to understand your poems.
Ned


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## Nellie (Feb 12, 2016)

ned said:


> weary sigh -
> 
> I go to some lengths to explain how the rhythm of this poem is off, and how it can be fixed by showing an example -
> just a knocked-out line showing the beat/stresses in roughly the right places.
> ...



Let's agree to disagree. I don't feel _I _missed the point, but you missed my point.



			
				ned said:
			
		

> I do not understand. How does one get the idea that she "fell" on the roof?
> because *you* wrote-
> 
> as they watched her fateful fall,
> she found her way on to the roof



there is punctuation (a comma)for a reason. "She found her way on to the roof" How do _you _get the idea that she "fell onto the roof? I honestly do not understand where YOU are coming from. She knew what her ultimate goal was, to make her way on the rooftop so she could make sure she would fall, to commit suicide. 




			
				ned said:
			
		

> no idea what happened to the formatting!
> it's pretty clear that the formatting in my post (and this one!) is all over the place - go figure.



IMO, it's pretty clear in the format that she was going to jump---- she was all over the place!!



			
				ned said:
			
		

> it's one thing having to explain one's work - but having to re-state the blindingly obvious is rather tedious.
> please





			
				ned said:
			
		

> Nellie, take the same care and time in understanding my critiques as I give in trying to understand your poems.



It's one thing to have to spell out the obvious of what the poem is really about..... so please take the time and see my POV. Just because you and others critique poems, doesn't mean I have to fully agree with you.


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## ned (Feb 16, 2016)

I say "please Nellie, take the same care and time in understanding my critiques..."
for some reason, you read  "Nellie, you have to fully agree with my critiques"    ???

if you can't understand the concept of 'understanding' - then it's no wonder you have misconstrued every other point.
it would be nice to hear someone elses' opinion now - because after this, I'm down to posting crayoned drawings.


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## Nellie (Feb 16, 2016)

ned said:


> it would be nice to hear someone elses' opinion now - .




Yes it would!!


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## ned (Feb 16, 2016)

you tell the whole wide web things about my critiques that are simply not true.
so, pardon me for wanting to redress that matter.

if you get on the defensive, run with the first thought in your head and post a knee-jerk reaction
then these misunderstings are bound to occur - but I have every right to reply to the charges.

you post here to help improve your poetry - so I gave my advice, which you can take or leave
 - but it is nothing more then that - 

glad it's appreciated.


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## Nellie (Feb 16, 2016)

ned said:


> but I have every right to reply to the charges.



yes, you do.... :sour: ..... I am :icon_shaking:




			
				ned said:
			
		

> you post here to help improve your poetry - so I gave my advice, which you can take or leave
> - but it is nothing more then that -



Ok.... ](*,):scratch::drinkcoffee:


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## Ariel (Feb 16, 2016)

*Let's keep this civil.*


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## escorial (Feb 21, 2016)

1st and last line are keeping together the piece in a way that left me thinking..what a twist...liked


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## Nellie (Feb 21, 2016)

Thanks for reading and liking the twists of this poem, escorial. Isn't it interesting what different sets of eyes read, hear and comprehend? Opinions matter.


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## escorial (Feb 21, 2016)

yeah..opinions i'm not big on crit myself and prefer to comment on most of the poems i like....


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