# October 2015 - LM - Eyes in the Dark - Scores



## kilroy214 (Oct 28, 2015)

bazz cargoArthur G. Mustardamsawtellkilroy214totalJ. Anfinson1817171817.5ppsage2019141617.25HarperCole1718161717EmmaSohan1619151315.75joshybo1817.5151215.625rcallaci1618141415.5M Cull1816151315.5Crypt1716121515danielstj16171313.514.875Godofwine1814121514.75Smith15.516121514.625Teb18151311.514.375Riptide1614.5131414.375Midnightpoet1416121313.75Ibb1517111113.5kbsmith171613713.25Mr mitchel121110910.5Arthur G. Mustard----JEbazz cargo----JE


In 1st place, we have *J. Anfinson *with "Eyes".

In 2nd place, we have* ppsage *with "Honey Pot".

and in 3rd, we have *HarperCole* with "The Last Survivor".

Congratulations to all, members may now 'like' stories in the LM thread if they so chose. 
And now, the scores!

[spoiler2=bazz cargo's scores]LM Scores Eyes In The Dark.
-------
The Man And His Dark Eyes  
 by
 Mr Mitchell

 SpaG 2/5 – Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors.
 Tone and voice 3/5 –  Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing.
 Effect 7-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 12/20

 Hi Andy, good to see you strutting your stuff in the LM.
 I can see you tried really hard and made some interesting attempts at adding a bit of  flavour to your work. The idea of a vulnerable young woman with a child letting a total stranger in her home is a bit far fetched. You did build the tension well.  
 Sadly it took some decoding to get at your meaning. All said, not a bad effort considering your condition.  
 Thanks for a very interesting read.

 * * *  

 The Last Survivor
 by
 Harpercole  

 SpaG 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20


							How long have I been in here? Three days? More? Too long.
 But I can’t risk moving. Not yet.					 


Hi HC, this is a pleasure.
 Easy to read. Tense, a trifle pulpy, I like pulpy.
 When hiding in a dark space, you can also add a sense of smell to compliment the hearing. And I often wonder why the hero never seems to need the bathroom.
 A good exploration of the thoughts and feelings of our temporary survivor. I just felt it was a bit, well, generic.  
 Thank you for a very good read.

 * * *

 The Devil`s Powder
 by
 Arthur G Mustard

 SpaG -/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice -/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect -10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = -/20

 Hi Art, good to see you working out.  

							 The unmistakable ships of the Red Hakor of the East were plain for all to see, as the scattering of drifting clouds were not enough to hide the full moon.					 


 And so we are off into fantasy, heavily influenced by The Vikings. What dark magic is this 'black powder?'
 Easy to read. Rollicking, introspective and full of promise. Could do with a little more attention on Lomax, seeing the terror from his eyes rather than the broad sweep of destruction. Kinda makes it more personal.
 Thank you for an excellent read.

 * * *  

 Eyes In The Dark
 by
 KBSmith

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

 Hello KB, pleaed to meet you.

							 Little by little the wallpaper peels off the walls. In flakes and burnt crisps, revealing little bouquets of flowers on the walls underneath. He stands and runs to the bathroom, grabs his shaving razor. He lunges across the room again to the wall, slides the razor up and across it. Little flakes of red curl up, peeling in tears under pressure of the razor.					 


 Way to open. I am not a fan of this kind of disjointed, nightmarish, present tense, style. You did do a very fair fist of it. It will be following me around for days. Not much to crit here.  An easy read.
 Thank you for an interesting story.

 * * *  

 Into the Abyss does Darkness Fall  
 by
 rcallaci

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

 Wotcha Bob, great to see you.

							 In the pitch black night I stare into that empty void. I see nothing but the wild imaginings of my mind					 


 Tough one. Great title, but a demanding read. For my own tastes the style is a bit overwritten. The love of clever words and tricky sentence structure seems at odds with the subject. If you were to dial back the show-boating and write the sequel I would read it with pleasure. Ex janitor now daemon hunter.  
 Interesting read, thank you.

 * * *  

 Eyes in The Dark
 by  
 Danielstj  

 SpaG 3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

 Hi Dan, a pleasure as always.

							Adrian and Melanie looked at each other. In their moment, they shared a lifetime. Beneath the lamplight they were almost together as one. 					 


 Ooof. A bit clunky. The kernel of the story is very good, it just needs some polish. I like it that you swerved past my expectations. Within such a small amount of words it is hard to do more show than tell but I would try a bit harder to involve the reader rather than just make statements.  
 I liked this. Thank you.

 * * *

 The Truth
 by
  Crypt

  SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 17/20

 Hi Crypt, pleased to meet you.

							 I wish I could see your face when you discover I've written a journal.					 


 And bang, there it is. The old write a letter gag. A very well done version of it as well. Clean, precise and matter of fact. Didn't see the twist, so well done there as well. All in all a neat, self contained and nicely produced piece.  
 I enjoyed that, thank you.

 * * *  

 Lingering Love (489)
 by
 Riptide

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

 Hi Ripper, good to see you punching them out.

							 It hurt. It hurt more, and more, and more, and as Jul watched with growing forlorn, it hurt even more					 


.  
  The first few words are the most difficult, they set a tone for the rest to follow. A sort of down beat and  tender love story, from beyond the grave. I'm not sure if 'he' left 'her' body to decompose in the old house.  
 An intriguing attempt at something just that little bit different. I can see where you have used the style of writing to try and set a mood, sadly, it didn't quite work. Sometimes a little less can bring you more.
 I enjoyed that.

 * * *  

 The Discovery (650 words)
 by
 M. Cull

 SpaG 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20
 Hi M. Cull, pleased to meet you.

“The darkness speaks to me. And I have ears to hear its words.”					 


An easy read. Nice dialogue, well tagged. Simple but effectively sketched details. Neat little punctuation and style tricks to add to the feel of the story. Hard to find something that might help you improve. I do have a feeling that what it really needed more word space.  
 A pleasure to read.

 * * *  

 We're All In This Together
 by
 Ibb

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 7-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 15/20

 Hi Ibb, seen ya around but this is the first time I have read something of yours. Good stuff too.

							 It’s the sort of thing you never expect to happen until it does―that’s my take, anyway. Seems everyone’s inclined to nursing their own. Regardless, I imagine the initial effect―something smooth and blunt pressing into your lower back, followed by someone’s seemingly muffled voice telling you not to move―results in most people the same. You’re not scared at first; only surprised. Then you understand what’s against your back and why the voice sounds muffled. Everyone has their own take; I figure everyone has their own way of handling themselves.					 


 Right, first off this starts out very complex, to me, overly verbose. I like the voice behind the style of narration, it has just the right touch of personality that foreshadows the twist. Very neat.

							The chair, held by its spine, shatters against the wall. Tremors roll through the fingers upwards into the palms and arms. The legs break apart, rebound and spiral to opposite ends of the room.

 Audria is screaming.					 


 This reads like an intrusion of another incident, it kinda jars. Possibly if it was expanded on rather than just a hint it would make more sense.  
 I am rather taken by this. Thank you.

 * * *

 EYES IN THE DARK
 by
  Emma Sohan

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect -8 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 16/20

 Hi Emma, nice to read some more of your stuff.

							"I saw someone in my front yard." My husband? He's violent.

 "Can you describe this person?"

 "All I could see clearly were eyes." It was terrifying.

 "What color?"

 Color? At night? "It's midnight. It's dark."					 


Intriguing, but a bit clunky in execution. You picked a neat way of dealing with a hot subject. A bit of 'keep em guessing' over 'is she paranoid' or 'is he out there waiting?' A good, technical gambit. This would be worth working on.  
  Thank you for a neat read.

 * * *  

 Late night Rendezvous  
 by
 Teb

 SpaG 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20
 Hi Teb, pleased to meet you.

							 00:07 

 "Unit 2 come in please...... Joe, you still awake?"

 He stares at the radio as if it's noise offended him but automatically reaches for the handset and lifts it to his lips.					 


An easy read. Good dialogue, nicely sketched descriptions,  well paced tension. The ending, fortunately it caught me in a good mood so I found it just right. I wouldn't mind reading more about this little corner of small town UsofA.
  Thanks for a fun read.

 * * *  

 Eyes
 by
 J Anfinson.

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 5/5 –  Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.  
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20

 Hi Jake, Here Be Pirates.   

“I don’t know why you spend so much time down there.”

Nathaniel ignored her, flipped another page on the battered paperback and continued reading. She didn’t understand. Nobody did.					 


 Potato eyes in the dark! What a madcap scheme? Putting a deranged killer in with such a bad joke. The thing is, it works.  
 A smooth and easy read. Nicely done dialogue,  good tone of  voice, just captures the feel to perfection. I could see this expanded into a radio play, with the correct dead pan delivery.  
  Ta for a great read.

 * * * 

 Honey Pot
 by
 ppsage

 SpaG 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
 Tone and voice 5/5 –  Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.  
 Effect 10-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 20/20

							There's a beetle crawling toward Honey Pot's second eye. The winked eye. It's caught between the pincers. Scarab beetle, I call it, the Egyptian new-life-from-dung symbol. Putting it there as face jewelry is my personal innovation.					 


 Mr Sage, I have no doubt your work is going to confuse the established, commercial writing machine. Somehow  you appear to have created  a category of your own.  With the possible exception of Dylan Thomas, who I suspect is lauded by many but understood by few,  nobody else I have come across has done this. You seem to have gone beyond the ink on a page and reach into the atoms of the desk. You have a solid grasp of the humour behind the game of writing. 

 Specific to this piece is the study of obsession. The step between what is real and what should be real is remarkably fine. Inspirational. I don't know where you came from, or what contributed to you as you are. But I will continue to see the ghost out of the corner of my eye and appreciate what I can learn from you.   
 I deducted 1 point for not including a fart joke.
 Thank you.

 * * *  

 Homecoming
 by  
 Anonymous

 SpaG 3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 Tone and voice 3/5 –  Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 14/20


							The house stood in a clearing, with two lighted windows staring at Kyle like eyes in the dark.					 


 Lit windows. Mind you the sentence is somewhat clunky.  The house with light showing at two windows stood in a clearing. Kyle felt it was staring at him. _Effect and response_.
 What started out as a possible chiller ended up as a bad LSD trip. The technical side is what let you down, and that can be fixed. Your imagination is vivid. You have the mind of a writer, you just need some discipline and the the toolkit to go with it.  
 A valiant effort. Thank you.

 * * *

 Omniscient
 by
 Smith

 SpaG 3.5/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
 Tone and voice 4/5 –  Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
 Effect 8-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 15.5/20

“How are you doing? I hope everything’s well with you and Katie. Sorry we haven’t Skyped in so long. You know there’s not a lot of wifi out here.” 

She loved that her dad still wrote her name like she was a kid.					 


 Hello smith, pleased to meet you.  
 I had to read this twice to figure out some of the wrinkles. It is very clever, if a bit disjointed.  
 The LM is a peculiar beast, getting something worthy inside a 650 word limit is a lot tougher than it seems,  you really could do with a bit more room. The story itself is a belter.  
 I enjoyed that

 * * *

 Like You (597 words)
 by
 joshybo

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
  paragraph composition.
 Tone and voice 5/5 –  Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.  
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20

 Hi Josh, this could do with a little rewrite to smarten up the beginning, but apart from that it is smooth and easy to read. I like the introspection, but I wonder how it would play with the two characters properly interacting.  
 I enjoyed that.

 * * *

 Glowing Eyes  
 by
 Godofwine (648 Words)

 SpaG 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
 Tone and voice 5/5 –  Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.  
 Effect 9-10 points.
 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
 Total = 18/20


							Walter turned the key, and again the ignition failed to turn over. 

“Damn it!” he spat as he pounded the steering wheel.					 


Hello God, a nice easy read. Neat sketch descriptions, good tension build, excellent dialogue, daft but fun ending. A lesson in how to subvert a cliché.  
 Excellent read.

 * * *

 To All,
 With Halloween in mind and the prompt of  'eyes In the dark' I expected a lot more horror, it was a pleasant surprise that so many stories had a lighter touch.  

 And the talent. The quality is exceptional.  

 Thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable task.  If anyone wants a proper hardass, line by line workover, and they are willing to be patient please PM me.   [/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Arthur G. Mustard's Scores]
*Author*MrMitchell

*Story*TheMan And His Dark Eyes

*SPaG*3

*Tone/Voice*3

*Effect*5

*Overall*11

*Mustard`sMumble *Firstly, this piece has too many issues with SPagand I think you would benefit by posting it on the forum and allowing yourselfsome feedback; Olly Buckle is probably one of the best to do so. Although theconcept is good and I like your idea, your voice is not consistent throughout.I think the dialogue needs to be sharper and you need less description. Itswitches between two different voices; one articulate and descriptive and theother short and snappy, maybe pitched at a teenage audience. Below are twoexamples;
{She started to realised that she hasn’t been a goodhost toward him, the abdication of the lack of drinks had must made him thinkshe was rude. "Sorry, do you want a cuppa?"
He brushed her apology away. "It’s fine. Yesplease, madam."
Abby looked around in a notion of madness as to saythat why was he here as he stood in the frosted cold as his feet on her welcomemat as his eyes met hers She finally asked, "Why are you on mydoorstep?" Her pained expression fell in a lukewarm and inquisitionalglare on her face as she noticed the man gave a stare in return*. *The whole thing was so unkind thatwas a cave that shouted black and cold in them as if the lights went out.}
This piece would work better if the suspense wasbuilt from the very start and maintained throughout. It needs to be quick,punchy and hold the reader right to the very end and the last line just didn`twork for me. 
*Author*HarperCole

*Story*LastSurvivor

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*8

*Overall*18

*Mustard`sMumble *Well what can I say about it? A Sci-Fi suspense witha slice of “Alien” and I thought I was actually in the cabinet myself by thetime I`d finished reading. No problems with SPaG and your “author`s voice” washeard throughout. The mixture of questions and recent past events blendedbrilliantly.Coward or just pure luck? That also worked for me and right at theend, just when you think the coast is clear, he stays in the cabinet. Nice.Well written and a lot packed in to a short piece. You have certainly capturedthe theme of the challenge and engaged the reader. 

*Author*ArthurG. Mustard

*Story*TheDevil`s Powder

*SPaG*

*Tone/Voice*

*Effect*

*Overall*

*Mustard`sMumble *Don`t know what this fella`s playing at, I thinkhe`s a wrong `un. Maybe we should call the police and anyway, I couldn`tunderstand a word of it!

*Author*kbsmith

*Story*Eyes in the Dark

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect*8

*Overall*16

*Mustard`sMumble *A nice psychological piece. It kept me hooked untilthe end, which had just the right amount of suggestion and gore. Your voice wasconstant throughout and I really enjoyed the story. The only line I didn`t likewas { He awakens by the light of streets below, high up on fortieth floor.} Ifelt the second half of the sentence somehow contradicted the first half and afew of the narrative lines could have been a bit punchier. But overall, a goodeffort.

*Author*rcallaci

*Story*Intothe Abyss does Darkness Fall

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*8

*Overall*18

*Mustard`sMumble *The opening paragraph certainly set the tone and itdrew me in. This was followed by the lullaby, which was a clever touch. Thelanguage blended nicely, with just the right amount. It brought to mind somegood imagery and I loved the questioning conflict between reality, dreams andmadness; and your writing style maintained this throughout. A story “right upmy alley”. A well-constructed, supernatural piece and only a small work limit.Good work and I loved the ending.

*Author*EmmaSohan

*Story*EyesIn The Dark

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*9

*Overall*19

*Mustard`sMumble *Speech within any short story or novel can be verydifficult to write and write well. You must keep it flowing and engage thereader. I think you got it “spot on” I like the way you mixed the actual speechwith thoughts and this set the pace and tone of your piece. Cleverly written,even more so as you opted for the dialogue approach rather than the narrative.I didn`t lose interest and wanted to read to the end. I thought the ending wasbrilliant and the “text” was the icing on the cake. This could easily bereworked in to a script for a short TV production.

*Author*Teb

*Story*LateNight Rendezvous

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect7*

*Overall*15

*Mustard`sMumble *I was expecting this piece to be something else andI believe that`s what you wanted the reader to think; I didn`t expect that foran ending! So you achieved what you set out to do. Your voice was clear fromstart to finish and overall it was a well written story. Just a few errors withcapital letters and I think it would be better if you wrote the actual numbersin to the speech rather than the numerical numbers. Thanks Teb, a good effort.

*Author*J Anfinson

*Story*Eyes

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*7

*Overall*17

*Mustard`sMumble *A classic horror style throwing in the kid, the mum,the cellar and the cop; and you certainly delivered. Your tone and pace wereperfect throughout and sliced nicely in to two halves. It left the readerthinking; was it the kid, or was there something else in the cellar apart fromthe King Edwards?

*Author*danielstj

*Story*Eyesin the Dark

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*7

*Overall*17

*Mustard`sMumble *A well crafted piece which moved at a steady pacethroughout. I like the touch with the watch and then you added the drugaddiction. You kept me reading right until the end and the ending was fitting.Thanks.

*Author Anon*

*Story*Sex,lies and a Word From Our Sponsor

*SPaG-*

*Tone/Voice-*

*Effect-*

*Overall-*

*Mustard`sMumble *Certainly a very unique story and take on thismonth`s theme. Cleverly written and I had to laugh. Your voice is very clearthroughout this somewhat satirical offering and I have to say it did conjure upsome obscure imagery. Thank you.

*Author*ppsage

*Story*HoneyPot

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*9

*Overall*19

*Mustard`sMumble *I actually read your story twice! A well thought outand clever piece of writing. It was like a mixture of Norman Bates and HammerHouse of Horror, with the reader expecting Columbo to pop up at the end andexplain all. But he didn`t, you were present throughout, engaging the readerand making them think. Very well done and thank you.

*Author Anon*

*Story*Homecoming

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*7

*Overall*16

*Mustard`sMumble *Fantastic imagery was in my head from start tofinish and the descriptive narrative was just about enough so as not to becometoo much. This set the tone throughout, keeping the reader engaged in Kyle`sexperience in “The demonic house of death”. I particularly like the line {Hunger was stronger than his fear of capture} and love the image of a carpetbecoming quicksand or maybe eating you alive!

*Author*Smith

*Story*Omniscient

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect*8

*Overall*16

*Mustard`sMumble *This story appealed to me being a father myself, soyou hit all the right notes with the mum and daughter been separated from thefather. The thread with war is that it`s current and plays a significant partin the world today. The second half of your piece gave the story a whole newlook and I loved it. You created a good atmosphere which stirred up questionsand I particularly liked the description in the second half. I`m not sure thatthe transition between the two halves will be clear to all, but I think Iunderstood it and it was certainly thought provoking. A couple of spellingerrors in there too, but that`s the boring part.

*Author*joshybo

*Story*LikeYou

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*7.5

*Overall*17.5

*Mustard`sMumble *Your story was beautifully written and well crafted,with the tone set and heard throughout. I like the way the piece made thereader think; the focus was on Kari and how things would work out, but switchedto her and her father at the end, (that`s how I saw it) . A lovely story and anice take on the theme. Thanks Josh.

*Author*godofwine

*Story*GlowingEyes

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect*6

*Overall*14

*Mustard`sMumble *An enjoyable read and a fun take on this month`stheme. The scene was set along with the atmosphere and I was expecting adifferent conclusion but you caught me out. Thanks for the read.

*Author*Crypt

*Story*TheTruth

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect*7

*Overall*16

*Mustard`sMumble *Well go on then Crypt, what is the truth? Nicely,paced and written, questions and suggestion lurking in the reader`s mind and Ithink the ending can be interpreted in a number of ways. The Doctor versus thepatient; was the patient insane all along or just at the end? And then theseven faces to consider? Nice. Your own “spin” on the Zodiac killings whichtook place in Northern California during the 60`s and 70`s. So I guessquestions and debate will continue and to coin a phrase, “The truth is outthere.”

*Author*Riptide

*Story*LingeringLove

*SPaG*4

*Tone/Voice*4

*Effect*6.5

*Overall*14.5

*Mustard`sMumble *My feelings are a little mixed on this piece. Yourvoice was clear throughout, but I felt that there were two voices. The lastparagraph, for me, was the stronger voice and had more fluidity. Up to thispoint your writing was a little cliché in places and probably appealed to adifferent audience. Overall, I enjoyed your work and in my opinion, wouldcontinue to write in the style of the last paragraph and this would have givena higher score in the effect. Thank you.

*Author*M.Cull

*Story*TheDiscovery

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*6

*Overall*16

*Mustard`sMumble *This well an enjoyable read and a good take on thismonth`s theme and I think readers will always been “drawn in” by the idea ofAtlantis. A strong voice throughout and I think this piece could be reworked into at least a novella. 

*Author*Ibb

*Story*We`reAll In this Together

*SPaG*5

*Tone/Voice*5

*Effect*7

*Overall*17

*Mustard`sMumble *A good strong piece which I enjoyed. Good imagerywas there throughout and the dialogue blended well with a nicely pacednarrative. The ending made me smile and I thought it was a nice touch. Thankyou and I would like to see more of your work on the forum.  [/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=amsawtell's Scores]*The Man and His Dark Eyes
*_Mr mitchell_

*SPaG:* 2/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 5/10

*Overall:* 10/20

 You have some brilliant phrases here that are intriguing and interesting but don’t do much for the story as it is now.  I think that your story would be very strong if it started with “Never allow a stranger into your home as a nightmare begins with a smile.”  It’s creepy and sets the tone for the entire story.

 My biggest issue with this story is that it was obvious that Abby felt ill-at-ease and that something was obviously _wrong_ with this stranger and yet she still, for some unknown reason, allowed him into her house.

 Taken apart your story makes no sense but the overall plot was predictable and well-worn.  A lot of the sentences were  a little jumbled and a lack of punctuation didn’t help.  The most confusing lines are below:


							The whole thing was so unkind that was a cave that shouted black and cold in them as if the lights went out.					 



							She knew that people like him polluted like a sip of poison where you drank so much that everything became black, left her in a daze.					 



							In a frail of hopelessness stood alone , she stayed where she was.					 



							His smile lit his face up as her separatism shone like a illumination of light.					 



							She looked like a broken picture that teared up into little pieces, and went white.					 



							 . . . the abdication of the lack of drinks had must made him think she was rude.					 


There’s a sudden and inexplicable POV shift at the end when she goes to make the tea.

 I did like the phrase “in a shrill of whiteness” which is odd but works for me.

*Last Survivor*
_HarperColel_

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 16/20
 This reminded me of the best parts of Alien.  Considering that’s one of my favorite movies that’s a good thing.  


							 and that screech as it seized Carter . . . filled with pain and loathing . . .					 


The first set of ellipses needs to be a dash.  The second set is fine.


							they’ll be no risk of that thing getting loose on the rescue ship.					 


They’ll is a contraction for “they will” which makes no sense in this context.  It should be “there will” or “there’ll.”


Carter’s screams echo in my mind . . .he called my name as I crawled out of engineering and left him to his fate.					 


This ellipses needs to be a dash too.


							Or something else.					 


This is a question, right?


							It’s hard to believe that it was once human.					 


There’s a whole ‘nother story here and I would love to read it.

*The Devil’s Powder*
_Arthur G. Mustard_

 This is a nice solid piece of fantasy.  It could be set in the real world except for the names and I like that.


							Camp fires burnt along the sand, the cold crisp, winter’s air mixed with the strange scents . . .					 


Campfire is usually one word.  I think burned would work better than burnt. Cold air is implied by winter. 

 In a challenge with a low word cap each word counts.  Words that are redundant (unless used for emphasis) or that imply something else should be avoided.  Saying “Campfires burned along the sand.  The crisp winter air mixed with the strange scents . . .” says the same thing but with two fewer words.  That’s two words that can be used elsewhere.


							Stood alongside his father, the twenty year old archer would soon taste his first battle.					 


Stood should be standing.


							Drums pounded, like a heartbeat, becoming faster as the adrenalin rushed.					 


Drop “be” from “becoming” and strike “the” from “as the adrenalin.”


Startled cattle broke loose, causing a stampede and frightened children desperately sought the safe arms of parents.					 


These two ideas are so far from one another that they don’t belong in the same sentence.


							Leather slingshots were whipped above their heads and more of the devil’s hell was quickly released as small pots took flight; exploding on impact, fire now raged and roared in all directions.					 


This would work better like this, “Leather slingshots whipped above their heads and more Devil’s Hell was quickly released as the small pots took flight; exploding on impact.  Fire now raged and roared in all directions.”

Between the paragraph talking about the slaughter and the one that comes back to Lomax there’s nothing to indicate a transition.  It sits uneasy and is easily fixed with a set of dashes between paragraphs or with asterisks.

 I like your take on eyes in the dark.  Instead of a creature or some outside agent you have the main character’s eyes.

*Eyes in the Dark*
_kbsmith_

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 The first two paragraphs reminds me of “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman which is not a bad comparison at all.  It’s one of the saddest and creepiest stories I know.


							He awakens by the light of streets below, high up on fortieth floor.					 


You need a “the” before “streets” and “fortieth.”


He hits his head with all force . . .					 


What is “all force?”


Pain so much to bear, he convulses . . .					 


You need a comma or a period or something after “pain.”


. . . he gropes the darkness.					 


Darkness has a physical form now?


							To his dismay, and mine, those ‘eyes’ in the dark were headlights, and he no longer waits for death.					 


There hasn’t been a first person narrative in this entire story.  Bringing it in at the end is disconcerting.

 Overall I have no idea what this story is supposed to be about.  My best guess is dealing with a split personality that “fractured” when killing someone in a head-on collision. 

*Into the Abyss does Darkness Fall*
_rcallaci_

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 14/20

 I enjoy the odd narratives you craft from playing with dimensions, mythology, and fantasy.  I think they work well and it certainly creates your own brand.


							In the pitch black night I stare into that empty void.					 


“Pitch black night” is cliché and I think you’d be better served by saying something along the lines of “pitch night.”


I smell of vomit . . .					 


First, eww.  Secondly you can drop the “of” here.


							I will embrace them both, and swim in its murky waters.					 


“It” in this sentence references back to “both.” It is a singularity.

*EYES IN THE DARK*
_Emma Sohan_

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 7/10

*Overall:* 15/20

 As a woman that ending is just chilling.  It’s just enough to know that she was right and that her husband is a raving looney.

 The only two things I can really say is that at times it was really hard to tell what was thought and what was dialogue.  I suggest making the thoughts italicized.  I think that a few dialogue tags would help to sort out action, thought, and verbalization.

*Late Night Rendezvous.*
_Teb_

*SPaG:* 3/5
*Tone:* 4/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 I thought it was a sweet surprise ending that this story had.  However, it was a bit too much of a surprise—there was no grumbling by the police officer about people forgetting his birthday, there was no mention of his birthday until people are shouting at him “Happy birthday.”

Benson is flying down those gravel roads isn’t he?  I don’t know if you drive or if you’ve ever ridden on a gravel road but it’s really hard to control a car on one, the smaller the car and the faster you’re going the more trouble it is.  I think your time stamps need to cover a little more than 24 minutes for a twelve-mile stretch on a gravel road.

 You have an issue with it’s/its.  “It’s” is a contraction for “it is.”  “Its” is possessive.  Please go over your story and look for all of your it’s/its and see which should be corrected.  

 Ellipses are created with just three periods.  Each period needs to have a space before and after.


							He stares at the radio as if it’s noise offended him but automatically reaches for the handset and lifts it to his lips.					 


It’s/its in this case is a possessive.  “Offended” is past tense but the rest of the sentence is present, it should be “offends.”


He has made good time but slows at the entrance of the track leading to the location, an abandoned farm that had become the local haunt for kids and people looking for somewhere dry to sleep.					 


“Has made” can be just “makes”—“has made” is passive and slows down the pacing of your story.  It is also in a different tense than the rest of the story.  The same goes for “maneuvered”  and “didn’t.”


The atmosphere is tense with expectation					 


There needs to be a period at the end of this sentence.


							The flash light reveals some signs of recent activity on the track, broken weeds and tyre prints in the soft earth but he is unable to tell how recent they are.					 


Flashlight is usually one word.  Further, you’ve used torch earlier.  Flashlight is American whereas torch is British.  I don’t care which you use but you should be consistent.  You can also cut out “some,” and the ending words “they are.”  You also need a comma after “earth” as “broken weeds and tyre prints in the soft earth” is an aside that clarifies what the signs of recent activity are.


							The farmhouse is in just as bad a state as the outbuilding, the roofs caved in and open to the elements.					 


You’ve already implied that there are multiple outbuilding_s_.  Further, “roof” in this case refers to the farmhouse’s roof which means it needs to be singular.  Also, from a logical point of view this makes little sense as we’ve already established that this place is used by (I’m assuming vagrants) as a dry place to sleep.  If it’s a dry place to sleep then the roof needs to be at least mostly intact.

*Eyes*
_J. Anfinson_

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 5/5
*Effect:* 8/10

*Overall:* 17/20

 You’ve packed a lot of emotion into such a short piece—annoyance at Lydia, horror at Nathaniel’s actions, and humor.  You accomplished it well and I was truly surprised and delighted by the last line.  


							The latched clicked and he was in darkness					 


“Latched” should be “latch.”


At the edge of the light their eyes were glowing.  They told him what he needed to do.  When the voices were done he started back up the stairs.
 It would be better than the books, he thought.  He was grinning as he gently shut the door behind him.					 


There needs to be paragraph books between these lines.

*Eyes in the Dark*
_Danielstj_

*SPaG:* 4/5
*Tone:* 3/5
*Effect:* 6/10

*Overall:* 13/20

 This is a little “Natural Born Killer,” isn’t it?  I like this story but was confused by the fact that these two junkies abandoned their plan.


							In their moment, they shared a lifetime.					 


What?  Do you mean “In that moment?”


Adrian still had his father’s watch, the one possession that he would part with.					 


If he’s willing to part with it why is it still in his possession?


							Behind the wheel was a mountain of a man wearing striped white and red long-sleeved t-shirt.					 


He’s wearing _a_ striped white and red long-sleeved t-shirt.


							They rode for quite some time without there being any talk.					 


“There being” is passive.  The sentence doesn’t even need it.  It works just as well like this: “They rode for quite some time without any talk.”

*Sex, lies and a Word from Our Sponsor*
_anonymous_

*SPaG:* -/5
*Tone:* -/5
*Effect:* -/10

*Overall:* 16/20

 Really, pouch cream?

 The writing is clean, the story funny, and it’s consistent.

*Honey Pot[/ b]
ppsage

SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10

Overall: 14/20

 I struggled with this story.  I’m not sure if it’s a story mourning the loss of a wife or if it’s simply the guilt of . . . something in this relationship that’s gone wrong.  It’s beautifully written and very clean but I just can’t seem to identify.

Homecoming 
anonymous

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10

Overall: 12/20

 This story of insanity really just left me with little to grasp.  It’s an easy enough story to understand but not an easy one to identify with.


							Now and then an arm poked through, only to be pulled back, like by some great force.					 


Like doesn’t work in this context.  “As though” would be better.


							He crawled toward a window, but harder he tried, the deeper he sank into the now blood-red carpet.					 


There should be a “the” before harder in this sentence.


							 . . . as he sank into the carpet thousands of creatures with bloody faces and glowing eyes looked up at him, arm raised as if to welcome him.					 


“Arm” should be plural.

The Truth
Crypt

SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 4/10

Overall: 12/20

 Your writing is beautifully clean and the ideas are clear.  But, as much as I like serial killer stories I didn’t like this one.  I don’t think it was believable and the execution was, frankly, boring.  I think you have some good framework to play with though and you could spice it up and make it much more interesting.
Lingering Love
Riptide

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

Overall: 13/20

 This is very maturely written.  It lacks the melodrama that marks so many stories written about love which is very nice.  I do like that it moves so smoothly.


							It hurt more, and more, and more, and as Jul watched with growing forlorn, it hurt even more.					 


I have no idea what “with growing forlorn,” is supposed to mean. 


							She let her gaze wander on his suitcase, then to his deep frown.					 


Her gaze can physically be on objects?


							The grass at feet enveloped her toes in mud.					 


The grass at her feet . . .

The Discovery
M. Cull

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10

Overall: 15/20

 This is very Lovecraftian.  I like that.


							The troubling old man whirled and bared his teeth.					 


Do you mean “The troubled old man?”

Omniscient
Smith

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 5/10

Overall: 12/20

 There’s a sharp disconnect here and this is two stories rather than one.  The first half doesn’t even remotely connect to the last half other than a slight implication that the scientist in the last half is supposed to be God.  (Which, frankly, at this point is becoming a cliché).

							Only pen and beard scratching responded.					 


I didn’t know those two objects could respond.


”I’m changing The Script,” finally the scientist said.					 


“’I’m changing The Script,’ the scientist finally said.” Flows a little bit better.


							He flicked his lighter					 


There needs to be a period at the end of this sentence.  I don’t know what this sentence has to do with the rest of the story, either.

Like You
Joshybo

SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10

Overall: 15/20

 I’d love to see you actually stretch out into new things.  At this point it feels like you’re playing it safe.  I think you have some real talent but that you’re afraid to do something new.  As always your writing is clean and easy to read.  The intent of your story comes through and I get the emotional punch though it’s not what I was necessarily hoping for.

We’re All in this Together
Ibb

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 4/10

Overall: 11/20

 Is this character supposed to be a serial killer?


							 . . . someone’s seemingly muffled voice telling you not to move—results in most people the same					 


What do you mean by “results in most people the same?”


. . . guiding me to the rear end of the vehicle.					 


Rear end is redundant.


							There was a duffle bag and, besides it, and nondescript black backpack.					 


Drop the “s” on besides.


							The chair, held by its spine, shatters against the wall.  Tremors roll through the fingers upwards into the palms and arms.  The legs break apart, rebound and spiral to opposite ends of the room.

 Audria is screaming.					 


What does this have to do with any other part of this story?

Glowing Eyes
Godofwine

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 5/10

Overall: 12/20

 I like that this story had just enough of a hint of possible supernatural terror to be fun.  The protagonist seems young considering he’s so very terrified and his mind keeps going over goblins and werewolves.


							He slumped down defeated as the realization sunk in . . .					 


There should be commas around defeated.


							It was a figment of his imagination, he knew, still the thought of goblins, and werewolves occupied his mind.					 


You’re telling us twice in this sentence that it’s all in Walter’s mind. 
 It might read better like this: “He knew it wasn’t real yet still thoughts of goblins and werewolves occupied his mind.”


He shook his head furiously, attempting to dislodge the grip that unholy thoughts held on his brain and he was granted peace as a welcome silence overtook him.					 


Change “that” to those.


							Walter stared at a sky littered with ominous gray clouds, with a full moon appearing to cower behind them.  With intermittent street lights along the way and a cowardly moon, it seemed that God would do him no favors tonight.					 


This is redundant. 


							 The shuffling ceased and three pair of glowing green eyes appeared. 

“You’re not going to make it,” whispered a voice from the darkness in front of him.

“Not tonight,” came another to his right and his head jerked in that direction.					 


There are three pairs of eyes.  Logically, if he can see them (three pairs of glowing green eyes appeared) then he doesn’t need to turn his head to see them.  Further, humans don’t have a tapetum lucidum so are these lights?  If so indicate so later.


							 The Triplets walked up the street with their arms over each other’s shoulders. Each face beamed with pride over their first successful Halloween prank. Halloween was going to be fun.					 


This is a little telling.   [/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=kilroy214's Scores] Mr Mitchell
 The Man And His Dark Eyes

 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 2.5
 Effect: 3.5
 Total: 9

 I feel at ends as to how I feel about this story. I think there really is something here, but there are several instances where sentences read more than a little awkward, characters react to one another in more than a little odd manner, and missing punctuation that made the read more than a little incoherent.

 I thought the idea of the story was sound and was on the right track, but again, a combination of odd shifts of character mannerisms, tenses, and erratic punctuation left me feeling a bit confused by the end.

 HarperCole
 Last Survivor

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 7
 Total: 17

 Not too shabby. I was really pleased to see a SciFi approach to the prompt, and was not let down.  The tale is sufficiently creepy, and I like that we never really see what it is that is so terrifying. We know there's a monster on the loose, but what is truly scary is the not knowing. There's a saying among fishermen in area's with alligators; it's not the gator you see that you have to worry about, it's the one you don't see.
 Much like the shark in Jaws, it's the eerie unknown that really plays on the nerves, and I like that you too this path.

 The only thing I would have to nit pick is that I did not exactly like that so much was told to us, in a manner, by the character's memory. Almost like we were seeing flashbacks. And it wasn't that it was done badly, it just didn't sit well with me.


 Arthur G. Mustard
 The Devil's Powder

 There was really only one thing that I would have to nit pick on this piece. Well, there's two, but one is more important than the other. I did not understand why this character of Lomax is brought in. At first I though we were going to be seeing this story from his POV, but he's introduced and then kind of forgotten, only to reappear to kind of sum up the tale of the destruction of these people at the hands of (nit pick #2) what I thought at first was supposed to be the advent of Greek Fire, but now I guess Devil's Powder is supposed to be gun powder?

 Which brought me to my next point; is this supposed to be historic fiction or fantasy fiction, because they felt rather seamless, which is actually quite nice, you don't really see that too much anymore in the fantasy genre. However, in our own time an world, gunpowder had been around for literally thousands of years before metallurgists even thought about its use in siege weaponry. I wondered because it felt to me, personally, that these people that Lomax was a member of seemed pretty primitive. I guess that you can blame my interpretation of the work, but that is just how I felt. 

 There also seemed to be a spacing matter that I usually attribute to bad copy/paste formatting, so I usually blame the site for that and not the author.


 kbsmith
 Eyes in the Dark

 SPaG: 3
 Tone: 1
 Effect: 3
 Total: 7

 I have to be honest, I really had no idea what was going one in this story at any point the three times I read it. There were a lot of sentences that I had to reread several times as well, which really took away an flow to the story.

 The only thing I could really glean from this was that it was several disturbing instances in a person's life that had there been a cohesive story element that I could have recognized, I think I could have seen a point to it all. In the end, however, this just felt like disturbing writing for the sake of being disturbing.


 rcallaci
 Into the Abyss does Darkness Fall

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 14

 This was a pretty intriguing tale of what I guess we could call self discovery, through a pretty extreme fashion. I liked it quite a bit, though I did not always follow it, it flowed very well and kept my eyes moving forward. And kudos on the title!

 There were a couple of things that caught my attention as far as spag was concerned, first a foremost, what is a 'solder monk'? I had no clue and assumed it was a spelling error. If it wasn't, I'm sorry but even Google was shrugging its shoulder's at me when I asked it.

 The only other thing I didn't like too well was how it all just kind of summed itself up in the last paragraph. I have a feeling this wouldn't have happened if the word limit on this competition was 750 or even 700, but as such, even I have fallen prey to this pitfall, and completely understand.

 Still, not a bad little tale over all.


 Eye's in the Dark
 EmmaSohan

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 4
 Total: 13

 This story kind of a had a touch of Hitchcock to it, gave me a little shiver. However, there a were several questions that I found myself asking after every few lines that kind of pulled me out of the story, and I felt that for this story to work, a certain amount of believability has to be taken away, and it was a little too much for me.

 First off, I could not understand why this woman was so reluctant to tell the officer about her estranged husband, or why she waited so long to say anything to the cop about him. I could understand if there was a reason (like maybe the husband was cop himself) but no reason is given, and it seems she was holding this vital bit of info back for no reason at all.

 "I'll look around your yard."
 For what, a stray raccoon? - at this point, I wasn't really sure what she wanted the cop to do. She hadn't said anything about a psycho ex-husband, what was he supposed to do, spray a few rounds in her backyard.

 "I didn't find anything else."
 Really? It's pitch black out and you didn't see anything? - ...don't cops carry flashlights? Like, big 4 D-cell battery Maglites?

 The cop then finds a knife in her yard that she claims several times that she didn't leave outside, after he's responded to her call of a prowler ( I assume ) and his response to her is, "If you want, I can call this in."

 And when she calls her husband and the cop sees a suspicious character flee the seen to a car a speed off, why did he not pursue, or jump on his radio and report it immediately to the responding units.
 If he didn't do any of that because he didn't want to freak her out, why would he say, "You did the right thing calling us." That's about a subtle as a brick if he's trying to preserve her peace of mind.

 And if she got a text from psycho hubby on her cell phone later, why did she make the call to him in the house on the landline? Why didn't she use her cellphone to make that call?

 There was a degree of creepiness to this story that really had me from time to time, but there was just too much implausible going on around it that I never felt fully vested or saturated in the story.


 Teb
 Late Night Rendezvous

 SPaG: 2.5
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 6
 Total: 11.5

 I liked that this story went with a happy ending route, and it was a twist I was not expecting. I think it was executed well. There were a few issues with the writing, a lot of Spag errors; several uses of it's that should have been its, a few words that were capitalized that shouldn't have been, missing punctuation.

 Another issue that cropped up was that this was written in the present tense, which was a bold move, and you did quite well, but there were several instances were past tense word uses were used on accident (offended, didn't)

 That, and a few other questionable things in the story itself just didn't let me settle into the tale. For instance, I got the impression that the 'old Benson place" was an abandoned place out in the middle of nowhere on some back-county road, yet there were reports of strange noises. Who made the report of the strange noise? would be my first question as officer Joe.

 He then says he's twelve miles away, which is quite a dang ways, yet he looks out his window towards the old place but see's nothing in the dark. I dare anyone anywhere to see if they can see anything 12 miles away in the dark.

 And then he drives the distance in approximately ten minutes. He must have been haulin some ass.

 I point this out because I was not quite sure why the time stamps were included in the story. They were a bit of a distraction and they really did not serve a purpose.

 I really did like the take on the prompt. Maybe I just have too analytical of a mind for my own good. There was just too much I was asking myself as I read to really sink into the piece, and that distracted me from the story overall.


 J. Anfinson
 Eyes

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 8
 Total: 18

 Oh, you clever boy, you. The ole "Eyes in the dark are actually eyes in a potato" gig. Touche', my friend, tou-che'.
 This was a sufficiently creepy tale told with a pretty sharp edge of believability. It actually kind of reminded me of the girl-murderess who claimed Slender Man told her to kill. Part of you says, "That girl's crazy." But another part of you hopes to hell that part of you is right, because if Slender Man is real, then F**k that noise, I'm out!

 The only real nit that I had was the mother's dialogue felt a bit stale, or staged. Not too bad, but it kind of had that edge where it was borderline cliche'. Almost like that's what you'd expect every mother in the world to say in that situation.

 Other than that, everything was pretty nice. Suspense, gore, believability. It was all cranked up, but did not go overboard either.
 Nice entry.


 danielstj
 Eyes in the Dark

 SPaG: 4.5
 Tone: 4 
 Effect: 5
 Total: 13.5

 Woe to the poor lost souls stuck in the throws of addiction. This was a pretty interesting tale of such, almost a felt like a new spin on the Bonnie & Clyde trope with the twist that they don't get the loot in the end.
 There were a few places where I felt like a word was missing or wasn't the correct word choice, but other than that, Spag looked fairly clean.

 I do have to say though, I was questioning these two desperado's motives. I know drug addiction isn't anything to take lightly and people will do some stupid and dangerous things for their fix, but this just seemed like a lot to go through to rob a traveler of their wallet. The point where we find out they have a drug problem and this is the root their plan steams from is just kind of dropped in the readers laps. a rather big bit of telling and not showing.

 I know that word count restrictions can cause things like this to happen, as well as the feel that the end of the story also comes about in a rather quick manner, almost like it raps up too fast.

 I liked your take on the prompt, and I feel like this would have been a hell of an entry if you were allowed even a hundred more words to the limit, but as it stands, it just feels like too much story packed into to small a slot. 

bazz caro
 Sex, lies and a Word from Our Sponsor

 This is quite the work of satire, bazz, and you have really mastered the art here, I have to say. This reminded me mightily of Thank You for Smoking, and I am impressed by how much story you packed in to only 460 words. It was entertaining and enthralling, regardless of the subject matter, which I think might have been pouch cream. I think you may find yourself in a paradox. If Pouch Cream wins in the future, what will you write about for that? (eyes in the dark, maybe? hmmmmm)


 ppsage
 Honey Pot

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 7
 Total: 16


 I found this story to be sufficiently creepy, but admired the slow build throughout until the end. There were a couple of things that I found a little off, like using the O/C instead of obsessive compulsive (I assume?), the paragraph that started with "What I remember is making the patio." read a little awkward to my inner ears, and the line "My memory's like: then I'm finished and go all exulted to tell." did not make sense to me, even after stopping to read it several times.
 This caused some awkward pauses for me, and the having to stop and start again did not allow me to fully immerse myself in the story.
 But only a little, and the descriptive writing and the ending were terrific. I think with a little more polishing, this story has a some great potential.


 Midnightpoet
 Homecoming

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 13

 This was a riveting tale of suspense, that in the heat of the moment, did not make a lot of sense to me, but did not necessarily have to for me to find it entertaining. There were some odd descriptors at some points, "like by some great force" and "now blood-red carpet" that I think could have been replaced by better alternatives. There was also at least one place where I think the word 'the' is missing.
 As thrilling as the tale was, I could not help but wonder on several occasions "why is he still in this house?" Things happen that are a bit out of the ordinary pretty early on in the story that would have a normal person booking it out of the Hell house. I think a slower build up to the House that Demons built would have helped tension rise a bit more. Also, a reader is more readily able to suspend belief if there is a slower build up to it as opposed to springing it on them.


 In any case, the ending also felt like it cut off at a weird moment. He's being sucked into a portal to hell and the last line is an observation that his hand is bleeding. It just didn't really feel like an ending. The word count rule might have played in to that, believe me, I've been burned by that several times, so I know what it's like. I think, however, for a story like this, there is a better suited ending out there, and I think you more than have the ability to find it and tie it down.



 Crypt
 The Truth.

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 6
 Total: 15

 To be honest, I was not to crazy about the story being a journal entry, when I started reading. However, the story was enthralling enough that I completely forgot about that by about the second paragraph. You SPaG is quite clean, and one has to appreciate that. I thought this felt very well thought out and well constructed, it took it's time building up, and the twist felt actually surprising (this is coming from someone who is quite jaded with twist endings) and original. Of all the crazed killers out there that seem to get their story told, there really are not too many of the Zodiac Killer, which seems odd with the mystery behind his motives and methods, his goading of the police and calling of the radio show (or was it a tv morning show, I don't recall) to the fact he was never caught.
 The fact that his victims haunted him for as long as they did seems quite poetic, and for a killer who is probably dead by now, one can only hope that for what he did, he did not go out peacefully.


 Riptide
 Lingering Love

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 14

 I found this piece to beautifully descriptive and emotional. We feel the woman's pain almost immediately as we enter the story (maybe a little too much)
 Spag was quite clean, and, for as descriptive as the story was, it was quite short and sweet. I found the subject matter to be a nice change of pace in these prompts. there were a few awkward lines that kind of distracted from the story, and I felt the ending kind of wrapped up a little too quickly and told more than showed. I could understand this if you were running low on word count, but with over 100 words left at your disposal, I would have liked to have seen more of this story play out rather than have it wrap up like it did.


 M. Cull
 The Discovery

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 5
 Total: 13

 I was really interested in what this story was all about, and found it interesting. I wish the what and the how of the story had been explored a little more than it was. Without knowing the context of these people's journey, it is hard to empathize or sympathize with them when they face adversity or harm. There were a couple of awkward lines that didn't seem right (Emma she realize where they must be) and what I assume was a formatting issue with odd paragraph breaks, towards the end of the story, were a slight distraction, but could be easily fixed. I could see this being the start of a grander story.


 Smith
 Omniscient

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 5
 Effect: 5
 Total: 15


 Well, first and foremost, your Spag was exemplar, in my opinion, which I appreciate. I wasn't quite sure about what to think at first, but by the end of the second or third paragraph, I was hooked. And then I got to the second half of the story, and things just went wrong for me. 
 The first half of this story had a nice build up that I would have liked to have seen explained, or at least better explained. I'm sorry, but I was completely lost after the asterisks. Instead, to me, the ending just raised more questions. It was intriguing and caught my attention from the start, but I had no idea what to think of the second half, and that just kind of took me out of the story and the moment.


 joshybo
 Like you

 SPaG: 5
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 4
 Total: 12


 Good, clean writing. Things I expect from you, joshy, and you did not disappoint. The story follows a trope that I see from you a lot, and I would have liked to have seen you step out of your comfort zone and away from the sort of trope I've also come to expect.
 This felt very much like it was leading to a horror story, a la King's "Boogeyman" short, but it soon fell into the dead parent/spouse routine and to me it just lost steam. I would have like to see you take a prompt and run with it and turn it one its head. You are a very good, thorough writer, if anyone could do it, it would be you joshy.


 Ibb
 We're All in this Together

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 3
 Effect: 4
 Total: 11

 As I read this tale of epic badassery, I couldn't help but feel like this was being told by some frat boy at a bar to a bunch of his buddies. This is the reason why I am not a fan of 1st person perspective; to tell a story like this in 1st person, it feels like a person bragging. This is my own opinion of course, but for this reason, I didn't feel the story really work for me. The narrator just came off feeling a little bombastic and self-serving, and proud of the fact that he murdered a guy (yes, the guy was an a-hole mugger, but still)

 Some of the reasons it felt bombastic I believer were certain things said, like saying the ski mask looked like something you'd buy from Walmart. As opposed to one from LL Bean? I asked myself after reading this line. It is a little strange to make this observation, as I think ski masks are not something too many people even think, much less wonder about quality enough to worry who they buy it from. 
 What is wrong with a Walmart ski mask? I don't know because I've bought one. I think a lot of people would have this thought.

 I thought the whole line about not knowing a thing about guns was unimportant to the story. Maybe this is because I actually know a lot about guns, but I thought regardless of what you know about them, he's still pointing one at you, even if it does look like a toy.

 The mugger asks for him to open the bags to inspect them, for the man to drop his wallet. This is all taking time, and I asked myself now "where is this taking place?" and "what kind of mugger is this?" I've never mugged a guy, but I know if I ever did I wouldn't be standing out in a parking lot making him open bags and emptying their contents. It would be either "Gimme your wallet." or leave it at that, or if you want the other goodies, it's "Gimme your keys," and drive his car out to the middle of no where or some shady place, go through his crap there, and ditch the car.
 Either way, that mugging takes less than 30 seconds.  The mugger in this story is either incredibly stupid, or incredibly new to this whole mugging thing, and stupid.

 And then, when the hero of the story decides to be a badass, he gives the mugger not one, or two, but three chances to shoot him in the face, and doesn't.


 Now, after all that is said and done, I want you to know I'm not saying your story was bad. It is actually quite an interesting story.  What I think it suffers from, and this is by far not the only story that suffers from this, is it asks the reader to suspend too much belief. I think there are a few minor things that could help out in this area, one in particular is something that I asked myself right after reading.

 Why did this guy suddenly try to be a badass?

 I think exploring this would have been an interesting avenue in the story to explore, and would make the whole encounter a bit more believable to the reader.


 Godofwine
 Glowing Eyes

 SPaG: 4
 Tone: 4
 Effect: 7
 Total: 15

 I thought this was a pretty interesting and entertaining 'turn of event's' - like story, it almost felt like an old trick or treat tale. I was glad to see that you chose to write a bit more light hearted piece than what I'm used to seeing. 
 It did read a little clunky in a few places, the paragraph that started "It was a figment of his imagination," and two paragraphs below the words 'with', 'cower' and 'coward' are used several times very near each other.
 I think there is a character mix up in the conversation Walt has with his boss as well, and the ending was felt a like there was a bit more tell than show.

 I think this could have used a little bit of cleaning up, but as it is, I think it was a good entry, I think it was a good take on the prompt, and I would like to see you explore more avenues of writing like you displayed here in the future. Nice job! 
 [/spoiler2]*


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 28, 2015)

Firstly, congratulations to J. Anfinson,  ppsage and Harpercole.  A massive well done.

Thanks to all who took part, including judges.

This was my first time as a judge and what a way to start. I think the gold could have gone to five or six entries because the competition was that good. I had to read a few twice and for me it came down to effect, my personal choice and what I like to read. I finished one and though that's the winner and then the next one was just as good.

Thanks for my feedback.

My apologies for spacing errors in your feedback,  all was good in the PM I sent Kilroy. Don't worry too much though.

I loved the theme and probably again tried to pack too much in. So all the judges comments would more than likely be different if it were a longer piece.

My piece did run on a theme of one race more advanced than another;  hence the gunpowder and it does use elements of history,  but not actual fact.

Finally, thank you Bazz,  I'm fine and loving it.


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## Ariel (Oct 28, 2015)

Congratulations to all of our contestants!


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## joshybo (Oct 28, 2015)

A big thank you to the judges, as always, for your time and critiques!  Your feedback is incredibly appreciated.

Congratulations to all of the winners of this one!  This was a very large field full of quality pieces.  It's great to see the LM continue to grow both in terms of the number of entries as well as the skill levels of the writers.


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## Ibb (Oct 28, 2015)

The man being held up is a sociopath. There's absolutely no frat-boy bravado in his speech. He details events as they occur, and any commentary beyond that owes to his mind piecing together external characteristics of the thief in order to grasp a feel for his person.

The MC notes the thief's laborious breathing, his whimper when discovering that the MC has nothing worth stealing, and the affectation in his speech when assuring the MC that '[he] will shoot.' He perceives through these observations the inexperience of the person attempting to rob him, and gambles upon the notion that the thief is a desperate, weak-willed person who he can easily overpower--which he does.

The reversal of the story is to imply an unknown desperation on part of the thief. It doesn't matter what this desperation is--the mugger is as unconvinced of his role as is the MC who senses his discomfort within it. He is attempting to rob a man who has been kicked out of his home (the bags, the folded clothes, the recalled memory italicized in the end) but is unaware of the frothing violence that exists within the man at whom he aims the gun. 

The thief has made a mistake; it should be obvious to the reader through the last two lines that the gun is real. Whatever his situation, the thief isn't a mugger, nor is he a killer. When things go sour he is incapable of pulling the trigger because he doesn't have it inside him to kill another human being--the MC doesn't suffer from the same hesitation and is in fact awoken to a new aspect of his personality through the altercation ('everything was new again').


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## J Anfinson (Oct 28, 2015)

Big thanks to the judges for the feedback. The nits are dead on. Congrats to ppsage and HarperCole as well. It was a close call and a lot of people could have won if the wind had been different.


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## ppsage (Oct 28, 2015)

> and in 3rd, we have *HarperCole* with "The Last Survivor".


link bad


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## kilroy214 (Oct 28, 2015)

Well how the hell did that happen?
I'll have to wait til tomorrow to fix that. Sorry Harper.


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## rcallaci (Oct 28, 2015)

My thanks to the judges, some great stories and you all did great crits on each and everyone.  I really enjoy the Lm, it seems like they are getting better each and every month. My thanks to our host and judge kilroy for maintaining order and putting it all together. Also it was a typo, I meant soldier monk 

warmest
bob


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## Crypt (Oct 29, 2015)

Thanks to the judges for your time and comments. This was an interesting exercise, glad I gave it a shot.


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## midnightpoet (Oct 29, 2015)

Thanks to the judges and congrats to the winners.  Another good round.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 29, 2015)

Just a quick one. Amsawtell,  with regard to your comment on the following sentence,  "Startled cattle  broke loose, causing a stampede and frightened children desperately sought the safe arms of parents." 

You said that the two statements were so far apart they didn't belong in the same sentence. 

In a different  narrative,  I might agree. But consider this;

Lomax's people are based on a mixture of Vikings, Saxon and Celts,  safe within their castle. The Red Hakor are invading, a more advanced race with the destructive force of gunpowder.  Panic and confusion have set in, the devil is here. Children will cry and cattle will go wide eyed and run. I wanted the reader to feel and live the scene in one dramatic sentence. The two "halves" deliver the panic of a people that have never witnessed the effects of gunpowder.  If you are used to fighting battles with a sword, an axe, a shield or a bow and arrow, what the hell are you going to think when your whole world literally blows apart? The devil is here, along with his powder.

Over the years there have been a multitude of blockbuster films, Gladiator,  Braveheart and Robin Hood, where panic sets in, children cry and search for parents and cattle stampede when a superior army invades; and they don't have gunpowder! 

So for me, this scene always works with the viewer and I believe that the sentence works for the reader.

Thank you.


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## Ariel (Oct 29, 2015)

In regards to that line I mean that it doesn't work in a grammatical sense.  Those two sentences are not meant to be one.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 29, 2015)

Point taken. But don't you think in some circumstances that the reader just needs a sentence that explodes in their mind and brings an image of confusion and panic?

Sometimes "rules" need to be broken and it depends on how you look at your piece; content, voice and delivery or SPaG.


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## Ariel (Oct 29, 2015)

It doesn't explode in the mind--it jumbles.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 29, 2015)

Jumbles? Never, sounds like a sale. Surely a small bang went off! :sorrow:

:indecisiveness::indecisiveness:

Mustard out.

:thumbl:


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## kilroy214 (Oct 29, 2015)

I think most all can agree that at one point or another we as writers have gotten something down that looks and feels brilliant but somehow just doesn't seem to convey the same to a reader. It is one of the many pitfalls of writing for an audience, and something any writer that wants to write for more than themselves needs to understand.

No two readers will ever look at a piece of writing the same. It's a harsh fact of life, and one that must be accepted by anyone who takes writing seriously.


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## Harper J. Cole (Oct 29, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners, who each put an interesting spin on the topic.

:champagne:

Thanks also to the judges.

*Bazz*: the hero probably would need the bathroom, true, but I only had 650 words and didn't want to spend them dwelling on that! :tongue:

My take on the subject was rather obvious, I can't argue there.

*Mustard*: thanks, glad you enjoyed it. 8)

*ams*: yes, 'Alien' was the inspiration. It's one of my favourite films as well, and I've often wondered how the ending would have gone if Lambert had been the last one left instead of Ripley. Horror films always have someone brave as the last survivor, for obvious reasons.

I don't usually make that many SPaG mistakes; I'm not sure what brought that on. 

*Kilroy*: given the word limit, I felt like I had to use the flashback mechanism. It didn't entirely work, but it was nice to experiment with a different style.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 29, 2015)

And a good time was had by all.

Someone noticed I was using the wrong prompt. I just couldn't let my giggle go to waste. I am part way through expanding on it, and it is very rude. It will end up in the tavern. 

**Warning, reminiscing ahead**
When I first started taking part in the LM I was nobbut a wet behind the ears twit. Nowadays, I am staggered by the improvement of the quality of the writing. I would not be surprised to see some of the contestants get properly published one day. 

Congratulations to those who were placed, and another set of congratulations for those who participated. Excellent work all round. 

Thanks to my fellow judges who didn't cast vile aspersions at me.

Onwards ho!


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## Ariel (Oct 29, 2015)

I had one note on your story, Bazz.  It was "Pouch cream?  Really?"

I laughed.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 29, 2015)

Yep, I did Pouch Cream. I had to cut some of the jokes. 

Oh well, slap my wrist and send me to bed early.


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## Ariel (Oct 29, 2015)

Like I said, you made me laugh.  Honestly, I thought it was Plu being contrary which made it funnier.


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## Terry D (Oct 29, 2015)

Arthur G. Mustard said:


> Just a quick one. Amsawtell,  with regard to your comment on the following sentence,  "Startled cattle  broke loose, causing a stampede and frightened children desperately sought the safe arms of parents."
> 
> You said that the two statements were so far apart they didn't belong in the same sentence.
> 
> ...



Since we seem to be discussing the merits of a judge's comments on the open boards, I'll weigh in on this one. First, if you have to explain your thinking behind the way you write a line (the historical references and all that) then the line probably needs some work to stand on its own merits.

Second, the line in question, IMO only, is more than a little rough. 'Startled cattle broke loose'; does that mean there were cattle that weren't startled? What did they do? Cattle don't cause a stampede -- they are the stampede, whatever frightened them caused it. There should be a comma after stampede, as it reads now the startled cattle caused a stampede and frightened children. That would be okay, but by the context of the sentence you were talking about the children seeking their parents. For the sake of clarity there needs to be a comma in there somewhere. And, finally, 'children desperately sought the safe arms of their parents' implies that their parents also had unsafe arms. A bit confusing. Perhaps you meant 'the children sought safety in the arms of their parents. 

I know that's all a bit nit-picky, but reader (and by extension judge's) opinions are going to be that way sometimes. I've entered and judged a few LM competitions and have learned that there is value whenever someone says, "This didn't work for me." No amount of me trying to justify what I wrote is going to make someone suddenly reverse direction and shout, "Oh, yeah! That's brilliant, what was wrong with me?" If my reader thinks I wrote a turd, a bow tie isn't going to change that.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 29, 2015)

^Honey, if you write a turd in a bow tie, I'd want to know who go the rest of the tux.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Oct 29, 2015)

All right, guys.  Sir Buzz Killington has arrived (and is wearing the rest of the tux).  Let's simmer down a bit in here.

Our judges are all volunteers.  They take time out of their own busy lives in order to fill these positions, and, in my eyes, that's absolutely commendable.  Aside from a very basic guide, each judge is pretty much left to their own devices, so scores and critiques will vary from judge to judge.  The real value in these competitions is the guaranteed critiques.

If you have a problem with the scoring, or if you have a question about a judge's critique, there's nothing wrong with sending the judge in question a PM.  As with any critique, it's up to the author to take what works for them and leave what doesn't.  The judges aren't telling you how you HAVE to write, they're just giving you their reasoning behind their scores and offering you a chance for improvement.

Come on, guys.  Let's play nice here.


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## bazz cargo (Oct 29, 2015)

Please note, on the tail end of my scores list it specifically states I am more than willing to engage, in private, with anyone who wishes to discuss my take on their work. All bribes accepted.


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## Arthur G. Mustard (Oct 29, 2015)

Hello Terry D,

Thanks for your input. If the line didn't work for you, that's fine, like I've already said, it worked for me.

We will leave it there,  as I find it truly amazing by the fact that the matter was left with a jovial post by myself,  other competitors posted and then you come in all guns blazing.

I thought this thread was supposed to be where the competition could be discussed by the people who entered it along with the judges?

Thank you Terry D. Hope to see you in next month's competition.


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## Bard_Daniel (Oct 29, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners! And thank you for the comments/critiques! Helps me improve!


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## AtleanWordsmith (Oct 29, 2015)

Arthur G. Mustard said:


> I thought this thread was supposed to be where the competition could be discussed by the people who entered it along with the judges?


This thread is REALLY for the host to post the results of the LM.  In my own opinion, issues with scoring and critique are better left to private messages, rather than open discussion.

Not accusing you of anything, but when you post those issues here, no matter what your intentions, it comes across as calling the judges out, which can lead to bad vibes and ruffled feathers.

That said, I think we can move on.

Congrats to the winners, many thanks to Kilroy and the judges!  Looking forward to seeing you all back here in November!


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## kilroy214 (Oct 29, 2015)

AtleanWordsmith said:


> Let's simmer down a bit.



* Yes. Let's.*


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## J Anfinson (Oct 29, 2015)

Arthur G. Mustard said:


> I thought this thread was supposed to be where the competition could be discussed by the people who entered it along with the judges?



It has always been encouraged that entrants ask questions for clarification if need be. Arguing with judges, on the other hand, is bad form and highly discouraged.


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## ppsage (Oct 29, 2015)

As a community we've decided that the LM works better with judges... of whatever stripe. I sincerely endorse this decision. For me there are definite rewards in participation which, however, I've finally come to realize have little to do with the momentary slings and arrows of the judging. I am therefore appreciative all the efforts volunteers make to fill the slots needed for continuance, which I am able to contain my defensive belligerence barely long enough to occasionally express. It's a cause for bemusement to me, that apparently competition is requisite, when, could we but devise a workable formula, the rewards from mutual workshopping a common exercise are potentially so much the greater. pp


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## EmmaSohan (Oct 29, 2015)

Thanks to the judges (great comments) and to everyone involved.


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