# In the Midst of Yang to Yin



## Vitaly Ana (Dec 19, 2012)

Precision kicks
care from your kin,
Like a fist to a chin,
Or a rip twist spin 
thrusting in thick, from him.

Waters flow gentle on jagged skin,
Desperate for currents to suck
tides out, and tides in.


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## Abbey08 (Dec 19, 2012)

Vitaly Ana said:


> Precision kicks care from your kin,
> Like a fist to a chin,
> Or a rip twist spin
> Thrusting in thick, from him
> ...



Just a couple of nits.

Lorraine


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 19, 2012)

Precision kicks care from your kin,
Like a fist to a chin,
Or a rip twist spin
Thrusting in thick, from him

Waters flow gentle over jagged,
Desperate for currents to suck
tides out, and tides in.

Thanks Lorraine! I deleted that "s". Now its Waters flow gentle over jagged (I left the noun off after jagged, on purpose to emphasize the dichotomy and simplicity of gentle/jagged, but if you think it needs a noun, let me know)

Re: the final line --> If I read it aloud, to me it sounds better with "tides out, and tides in" -- thats why I kept it, but I'll get back to it, read and say it again and see if that still makes sense. Am I making sense? 

Thanks again


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## Abbey08 (Dec 19, 2012)

Vitaly Ana said:


> Precision kicks care from your kin,
> Like a fist to a chin,
> Or a rip twist spin
> Thrusting in thick, from him
> ...


 
V,
I'm still needing a noun after jagged; maybe I'm just being anal  I do understand where you're coming from on the gentle/jagged; by the way, nice alliteration  Still with deleting the second 'tides.' Remember, V, it's your poem, not mine.

Lorraine


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## Don V Standeford (Dec 20, 2012)

> Precision kicks care from your kin,





> Like a fist to a chin,
> Or a rip twist spin
> Thrusting in thick, from him
> 
> ...



How about 
"Waters flow gentle over jagged
skin, desperate for currents to suck
 tides out and tides in."

I loved the rhythm of this piece and the way you handled rhyme.


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 20, 2012)

I like it Don. Will make the change and see if it pans out. Thank you!


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## Abbey08 (Dec 20, 2012)

Don V Standeford said:


> How about
> "Waters flow gentle over jagged
> skin, desperate for currents to suck
> tides out and tides in."
> ...




Don,
I'm having trouble imagining 'jagged skin.' Using skin almost seems to beg changing 'jagged.' And I so like the alliteration of gentle/jagged.

Again, V, it is your poem; not Don's or mine  Choosing the right words is what makes poetry such a challenge for all of us poets 

Lorraine


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 20, 2012)

eye-yi-i. 
All of a sudden, simplicity is lost. :-|
I am going back to my Yin and Yang inspiration and will reclaim the simple at the expense of a noun.

You're both right. I'm going to be left and, leave it as was with minor tweaks. Thanks for the feedback, I very much appreciate it! :thumbl:


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## Don V Standeford (Dec 20, 2012)

Abbey08 said:


> Don,
> I'm having trouble imagining 'jagged skin.' Using skin almost seems to beg changing 'jagged.' And I so like the alliteration of gentle/jagged.
> 
> Again, V, it is your poem; not Don's or mine  Choosing the right words is what makes poetry such a challenge for all of us poets
> ...




"Jagged Skin" to me seems more sensual, especially when you take into consideration the lines that come after it. But you're right; we all need to decide for ourselves in the end.


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## Ariel (Dec 20, 2012)

I think this could benefit from a syllabic poetic form (the longer version of a haiku--I forget the name of the form but it starts with a "t").  I love the use of alliteration in syllabic forms.  Perhaps you could even tweak the form a bit?

I think the line "or rip twist spin" can be dropped without losing anything.

Overall, I like the images of water--especially "tides in/tides out."


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 22, 2012)

[h=2]Revision - I made the change to "jagged wind" and changed the format slightly. Are you feelin' it?  :cower:

In the Midst of Yang to Yin[/h]Precision kicks care from your kin,
Like a fist to a chin or a rip twist spin 
thrusting in thick, from him.

Waters flow gentle in jagged wind,
 begging currents to suck 
tides out and tides in.​


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## Abbey08 (Dec 23, 2012)

Vitaly Ana said:


> *Revision - I made the change to "jagged wind" and changed the format slightly. Are you feelin' it?  :cower:
> 
> In the Midst of Yang to Yin*
> 
> ...



Ok V. Trouble with seeing waters flowing gentle in a jagged wind. If there is wind, then the water would be disturbed? And...how does a wind blow jagged? Just questions 

Re-reading your first stanza, it occurs to me this might be about karate or kickboxing? And if it is, then how does 'a rip twist spin' thrust 'thick?' I like the alliteration(you seem to do well writing alliteration), but I have trouble with the image of a thick thrust.

Isn't revision fun?! 

Lorraine


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## Abbey08 (Dec 23, 2012)

amsawtell said:


> I think this could benefit from a syllabic poetic form (the longer version of a haiku--I forget the name of the form but it starts with a "t").  I love the use of alliteration in syllabic forms.  Perhaps you could even tweak the form a bit?
> 
> I think the line "or rip twist spin" can be dropped without losing anything.
> 
> Overall, I like the images of water--especially "tides in/tides out."



Are you thinking of "tantra?" 

Lorraine


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## Ariel (Dec 23, 2012)

I thought tantra was a meditation practice focusing on couples--you know as in "tantric sex?" I was thinking tanka or something like that but again I thought that was a native American tribe or something.  I just can't remember.


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## Abbey08 (Dec 23, 2012)

amsawtell said:


> I thought tantra was a meditation practice focusing on couples--you know as in "tantric sex?" I was thinking tanka or something like that but again I thought that was a native American tribe or something.  I just can't remember.




You are right that it is tanka. Here is a link: Tanka Online

Lorraine


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 23, 2012)

Thank you for the laughs and the links, ladies 

I have looked at the Tanka site and, really like what I see. I will try to write one by the end of the week. As for this poem, I'll keep chipping away


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## Squalid Glass (Dec 26, 2012)

For what it's worth, I think "jagged skin" would be fine.

This poem is really something. While the first stanza is certainly necessary for the content and form, I find myself continually drawn to the second stanza and just loving the rhythm, rhyme, and clever use of enjambment.

Bravo!


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## Gumby (Dec 26, 2012)

I, too, had no trouble with the 'jagged skin'. It linked in my mind to the _fist to the chin_ and the _rip twist spin_, lines. I could easily imagine water gently flowing over wounds made by these actions.


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 28, 2012)

Still working on my Tanka Lorraine 

Looks fun, apart from the rules. Kidding of course, I am just so used to free verse its hard to make that shift, but I know you are challenging me and I appreciate it!


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## Ariel (Dec 28, 2012)

Don't worry Vitaly, I once wrote strictly in free verse until I had a college professor whose writing assignments were different poetic forms.  I ended up having better poetry afterwards and became conscious of how much thought needs to go into line breaks and enjambments. I like counting syllables now and I do try to hit certain syllable counts.  I found greater creativity from using a form.


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 28, 2012)

Its strange. For me I have always found more freedom and creativity in free verse. I think structure and form are disciplines that will allow me to create _and _relay my creation to others in a meaningful way.


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## Abbey08 (Dec 28, 2012)

V,
If you start messing with Tanka, I'm going to have to know how it's done just to be able to make an intelligent comment ;(
Seriously, it's an opportunity for me to learn something new.

Lorraine


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## Vitaly Ana (Dec 28, 2012)

I had my first tango with tanka and I would like to thank ya for pushing me slightly, out of my comfort zone.


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