# Walking with Dither



## Gofa

Today I went for a walk around a mall to get little equilibrium back and bought chips on my return and so went into Dither mode and thought I might return the favour and show a mile in my shoes.
Firstly I am sitting outside rug around my knees it's winter, 22 June watching a watery sun shuffle down towards the horizon. As it gets there it will be the same minute as the sun rises through stone henge. A friend always attends in the UK and I try and wave from the other side of the world for the instant we both see the same sun. As this is an auspicious occasion I have prepared aromatic herbs for burning, special prepared berries ground to a powder and infused into water and finally a special drink that contains all the pride of the Beams family's 200 year history. Sounds flash maybe, the occasion is special, but it's really a cigar, cup of coffee and a bourbon, note the 200 year thing was on the Jim Beam label.
But I have digressed. In walking I put on noise cancelling ear phones and listened to my music with no external noise very cool trick
interesting how you go vacant of eye and wander when you have no mission other than sight seeing. I did ask myself what would Dither notice as the biggest item was the smoke or steam from a timber plant showing the wind coming from the south west. 
All my adult life I've used that smoke stack to tell the wind. I have surfed since my late teens and when the wind turns off shore the surf is better so you keep a check. When I was younger I could anticipate the weather changes as many of us did. Talking about the wind coming about in an hour or more. Interesting it's barometric changes that people pick up yet it's nice to remember past things. 
As I walked the malls I concentrated on trucking right. Can't remember the last time I heard that song. So lovely to bounce with stepping and be in time to the music in your ears. Big and Rich. Save a horse ride a cow boy. One of my daughters country songs very nice stepping music. Look it up on you tube. We have had bad earth quakes some years ago and the devastation is still every where. It's funny with ear phones in driving home I looked around which you normally don't do. All the missing buildings you grew up with are gone, you get disorientated and are not sure of your route. Best to look at the road and avoid. On the way home though I looked. There's new stuff in many places but no optimism of recovery that burnt out a couple of years ago.
Still do one thing a day that scares you, I went to Wendy's. Never been in one of those before. it's a food franchise new to this country and I had the head phones on. Lovely to look at a room of screaming kids and parents but just see the mouths moving no noise
Didn't stay it was "to go" so I ate the chips as I drove. Interesting no motor no road noise just quiet. Makes you very attentive. You see things notice bits that are unimportant but still interesting in that they were never there in the past but must have been. How much of our lives do we miss thinking of something else. I got distracted half way home and thought about my day job and who I have to talk to tomorrow. Funny some miles later I came back to now with the auto pilot gone, noticed how much of the journey home got lost in me thinking of elsewhere. You are given such pause as how much of my life has passed me by while I thought of other places other things and stopped paying anything but superficial attention to my surroundings.
Dither the chips needed more salt but in the car it was a hundred metres back to get some and it seems too far. Actually I ate the chip for 15 minutes it would have taken 3 maybe 4 to fetch the salt. 11 minutes not spent wisely telling myself shoulda got the salt. Next time I will fetch the salt. PS there was jacket potatoes being sold in this Wendy's so instead if a burger I got a potato with cheese and chilly. Just brought it home. Too hard to eat moving. Rang my wife from the line ordering. Everyone stares. She did not want anything but I told her I loved her lots as I said good bye. I don't care what others listen too. My youngest daughter 26 likes to walk arm in arm with me when walking are together. Funny the looks you get you can see the calculations "He's old enough to be her father". They are right I am. Always have been. My children are gone now and in writing this I miss them. In other cities other countries still nice to watch and chat on Facebook. 
I think this enough Dither it is not of great import but it is my life. Lots of little things strung together.
the sun is close to the horizon I should light the special aromatic herbs now


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## dither

Nice one Gofa.


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## Pandora

Really enjoyed your dither moments Gofa, beautiful images of your surroundings, feelings and thoughts brought forth emotions and kinship. An example of dithering and sharing, an honorable tribute to the best, our dither. Well done! Hope for much more! :cheers:


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## dither

Oh Pandora,


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## escorial

enjoyed dude.


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## Gofa

Is


Where do I live within a mind that stretches so far.
So many places


I can chose and I often do. So many times should and must just happens and I am a prisoner in my own land

The should be's capture me. They reach out and ensnare my intent and as quickly as one two three I'm lost in all the things that should be. The land of next, and must do now. At these times I recognise my plight but my will is weakened my resolve incomplete. The imperative overwhelms leaves me no choice as I must, and let the guilt parade with the biggest brass band if I'm the slightest bit tardy.


There is another place I have heard exists. I place of now and normal stuff. The land of is. A place that is. Is here, is now, is of itself. 


Wish is was here more often


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## Gofa

I was told to write stuff down today and it seems more functional to have it read than not. I have been doctored a bit lately. The paralysis of my youth started to reform. Mostly the pain and numbness. A little weakness in my left leg. Poor sleep over 2 weeks and increasing symptoms as a consequence of a small back dislocation. Still it's an easy trajectory to plot. Before you reach for a tissue, two osteopaths of different technique has righted the good ship
So the point of my writing is not this
the number of my years is 3 score plus 0ne
last year I fell from my motorised skate board at speed and was hospitalised. People ask me why I was doing this. My answer being it was a whole lot of fun up until I fell off. My world looked grim. Fractured left tibia hyper extended both knees, and the prospect of surgery was avoided by a small margin ie 45 minutes. Life returned so too the wheel chair was given back. The paralysis reared it's head then, but was a yeah whatever at best, when placed in context with the song and dance that held centre stage. 
Next as part of recovery I diversified into a different martial art. I have taught Taichi for enough years  and other stuff that complements Wing Chun that I attended. My irreverent attitude and desire to laugh perhaps attracted a response. The short of it an instructor felt a little threatened and delivered a blow, read elbow strike to my unprotected chest. Outcome extremely high blood pressure that I detected a month later missing the stroke that easily could have occurred given the extreme level. Again an end game to life as I enjoy it. But a remedy by relieving displacement in my chest had normalcy return and pills avoided. 
The first paragraph is the third time heaven has knocked on my door. Skate board August last year. Blood pressure January this. The creeping death June July as in now.
there is a message here Jim. Time is short could be it but I am no smarter as to what response I should make.
ive always thought there was a message in my life. When I grew up and got big I would understand and one day say "oh that bit goes there" or some similar eureka statement. But nope not a smidgen.
they say the bullet that gets you you never hear 
Years ago I blacked out while writing some complicated report for someone so important I remember them not at all. I faded to black with a pain in my chest. As I fell face down toward my key board I said "oh Fuck" in my head, more resignation and not out of fear, it was that my kids would find me thus 
My breathing had shut down and one big breath later I was back. Lots of doctors lots of ohh and ahh then much to do about nothing.
So if you have read this far. What is the point ?
i agree  absolutely no idea. Living well is the best revenge   I do live well. My wife understands me and etc etc etc 

may be I should make some chips and eat them with vinaigrette   Mmmm spell checker Dither I typed vinegar 

I feel I have had this great explanation given me and my response is

I don't understand anything past the point you said "listen very carefully this is extremely important"

i lie here thinking of where to go next   Interesting I have such a restraint about being myself. Speaking that which is from within. 

I understand how you go third person Dither. 

My life 

Today I talked with a guy about him buying 2 million in cranes and how to structure the start up and then add another 2 million in hiabs and transport. I navigate for companies and people. I don't lift the sail, swab the deck or man the oars. Mostly I point and say not that way and better that way. 
This is my day job. It's just what I do? I like helping people. Some days it's frustrating or scary or boring etc etc 
With these skill sets it is unfortunate that I can't find the compass in my own life nor read the map I find so easy for in others.

Lastly and perhaps not least. I am not frightened of dying. Actually something of a relief when it gets here. Sadly I've a bit farther to go. May be not. The reason is since I was a child I have on and off seen dead people.  Yup it's crazy and yes I don't mention it to many clients. Spent most of my life tuning unwanted understandings out of my consciousness. Took a while but pretty imbedded now. Funerals can be interesting one time I lent on the guys fence drinking his best scotch while we chatted. He did not think much of his family either. That's why I was outside, him too. 
A while ago talking with a client he asked. " you know when I'm calling you don't you" I thought about lying and then dismissed. This guy was astute and it would undermine the trust. I said "Please don't make a big deal about this but Yes I often do"
The thing about all this is I have no real explanation as to the things I know and see particularly the mechanics. It's not a big deal and best kept in a corner. Most of the people I've met in this area are a bit crazy at best or all smoke and mirrors which is sad mostly. 
Well Dither this is a short trip on my bus. As with you it's better to go before you go to sleep so that is next as it's 1.30 am


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## dither

Great post Gofa.

I would just like to respond to your views on dying.

The actual process and final act of dying scares the living crap out of me, and i DO wonder about that.
But i don't really care for living.

I mean, look! I'm in my 60s, i couldn't wish to be in better condition physically, i work nights, commute on buses, and i bet i walk getting on for half a mile every day. I can't go on for ever, and i wonder. How? When?

And by the way, i usually go THEN fall asleep.

Gofa, do keep up. ;-)

And keep posting.


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## Gofa

Okay Dither, welcome aboard my bus, admission is free, take a window seat, the view might be a little strange

Two years my uncle died. No big deal, he had lived a nice long life and my brother rang to remind me so off to the funeral my wife and I went.

Nice churchy feel to the place of service, you take a pew and look at the casket like every one else in the room. My wife dug my in the ribs a couple of times as I was starting to drift off to sleep. I looked around in my usual attitude of curiosity. I categorise this and that look at relatives and strangers alike.

im one for keeping it simple inside. Best way is to forget the things you can't explain. I've spent too many years like a dog with a bone trying to explain to myself why I see and hear as I do. Finally I have given up and just try and get by giving it as little attention as I can.

So there I sit when out if no where and I mean no where eight guys in military uniform are standing to attention around my uncles coffin. I'm 30 feet away. They are translucent lets say like a hologram but still I can see badges and insignia 
I close my eyes and look again. Still there. Look full left. Look full right. Still there when I return my gaze. 

Even from here it's moving to me as I remember. These guys had a pact. They would wait. They would all go together. My uncle was the last in his squad to die. His mates came back and stood in silent vigil saluted after about 10 minutes and winked out like some Star Trek movie

i explained to my wife who accepts I see what I see but did not bother to try to tell any one else. You see the thing was they all had promised to come to each other's funerals. They promised not to let one if them pass without remembrance. They did not let the minor stuff of being already dead get in the way of that pact. It's lovely to see for me as it not just dead people shimmering in the corner of your eye it's caring and commitment. I understand until death we do part. These guys on the battle field had given an undertaking and being dead did not get in their way of keeping that promise.
they came back for their mate and took him forward
The message here Dither is we don't die alone, I get the feeling of a welcoming committee being present.


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## dither

Gofa said:


> Okay Dither, welcome aboard my bus, admission is free, take a window seat, the view might be a little strange
> 
> Two years my uncle died. No big deal, he had lived a nice long life and my brother rang to remind me so off to the funeral my wife and I went.
> 
> Nice churchy feel to the place of service, you take a pew and look at the casket like every one else in the room. My wife dug my in the ribs a couple of times as I was starting to drift off to sleep. I looked around in my usual attitude of curiosity. I categorise this and that look at relatives and strangers alike.
> 
> im one for keeping it simple inside. Best way is to forget the things you can't explain. I've spent too many years like a dog with a bone trying to explain to myself why I see and hear as I do. Finally I have given up and just try and get by giving it as little attention as I can.
> 
> So there I sit when out if no where and I mean no where eight guys in military uniform are standing to attention around my uncles coffin. I'm 30 feet away. They are translucent lets say like a hologram but still I can see badges and insignia
> I close my eyes and look again. Still there. Look full left. Look full right. Still there when I return my gaze.
> 
> Even from here it's moving to me as I remember. These guys had a pact. They would wait. They would all go together. My uncle was the last in his squad to die. His mates came back and stood in silent vigil saluted after about 10 minutes and winked out like some Star Trek movie
> 
> i explained to my wife who accepts I see what I see but did not bother to try to tell any one else. You see the thing was they all had promised to come to each other's funerals. They promised not to let one if them pass without remembrance. They did not let the minor stuff of being already dead get in the way of that pact. It's lovely to see for me as it not just dead people shimmering in the corner of your eye it's caring and commitment. I understand until death we do part. These guys on the battle field had given an undertaking and being dead did not get in their way of keeping that promise.
> they came back for their mate and took him forward
> The message here Dither is we don't die alone, I get the feeling of a welcoming committee being present.



Gofa, i actually have a plan to put your feeling to the test, but a "no result" doesn't necessarily disprove anything.
To be honest Gofa, i really don't buy that but who's to say?
And maybe you just have to believe.
Good luck with your's.


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## Gofa

I'm lost dither I don't expect you to believe or shave your head and become a nun 
these are the things of my life.  I lay no claim to them being reality   They are just my experiences

you said "I would like to respond to your views on dying"

i gave you some views to respond to

I have to put up with the things I experience and accept that I was in the room at the time. Mostly I try and forget as the experiences do not sit well with rationale or any other hastily constructed belief system 

sorry I'm not looking to destabilise your view of life the universe and everything.  My version of what is real over the years has had to soften to accept the things I've seen and done.

this is the view from the window of my bus  

A parting picture from the side window. Dither 


We have had some scarey times locally earth quakes death destruction and worst of all fear that it's going to get worse
A neighbor came to me a Canadian and far from home. Basically at he limit of his reserve and mental balance. There is no meaning to events just random senseless destruction. Calming him down was hard but eventually I got his attention and said.

Can you do one thing for me now and I want your promise
He looked at me strange and said yes
I replied no matter what I say you must reply clearly and loudly. "don't worry about it. It will be fine soon". 


I asked okay . And made him answer. "don't worry about it. It will be fine soon"


I then said. It's all going to hell and we'll be dead by morning. And gesturing to him he replied. 


"don't worry about it. It will be fine soon"


So I went on with examples. House probably will collapse. don't worry about it. It will be fine soon


The wife won't talk to you forever. don't worry about it. It will be fine soon


Your cat has species issues and has come out about being attracted to mice. don't worry about it. It will be fine soon


After he started laughing he had a bit of perspective 


Now. Relating to me and how I see the world 


don't worry about it. It will be fine soon




Life is way too important to ever be taken seriously



Cheers


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## dither

No chance of destabilising MY views Gofa,
we have differing ideas about some things, it's not a problem.

I have always taken life too seriously, probably. But we are what we are.

And thanks for the ride.


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## Gofa

Admission free on my bus and you don't need to pay when you get off either. 

Yup up you said it and it's taken a long while to get comfortable with I am what I am

thanks again


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## dither

Gofa said:


> it's taken a long while to get comfortable with I am what I am



I doubt that i ever shall, just putting up with myself.
What else is a person to do?


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## Blade

Gofa said:


> The message here Dither is we don't die alone, I get the feeling of a welcoming committee being present.



I would kind of think so considering it is the one event that unites us all. It is inevitable in spite of our gender, language, nationality, race or whatever. Life is full of loose ends that should be tied up somewhere.:hi:


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## Plasticweld

Blade said:


> I would kind of think so considering it is the one event that unites us all. It is inevitable in spite of our gender, language, nationality, race or whatever. Life is full of loose ends that should be tied up somewhere.:hi:




Interesting reading your words Gofa, I have followed Dither on many of his walks. I do enjoy the banter between the two of you and your perspective.   Maybe it is an old guy thing, being older myself I sure I look at things differently now than 40 years ago. 


I do know this, I am an adrenalin junky who loves to flirt with death.  You only feel alive when you know it could all be over in the blink of an eye. or worse yet crippled for what is left.  I purposely put myself in situations that make that a reality, I am not sure why only that I know that today matters if there is a realistic chance of no tomorrow.  

Blade love your quote, what we do, what we say, really does matter, no loose ends.  They are not only words to live by, but words to die by


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## Gofa

Oh yes adrenalin is the drug of choice but it is a cold excitement till it's over. Then you whoop and holler. As you say you are never so alive, never so focused on here and now, as when the fat lady is doing her breathing exercises in preparation for the final song. I'm pretty much a roost-ta that use-ta but I am still happy to bring my "A Game" for ten minutes or ten feet and then ibuprofen and a nap afterwards.


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## Pandora

I believe Gofa, a beautiful image you left with me, the friends, soldiers around the casket. There is this joy in me I discovered in 1996 at the age of forty. I thought it a curse but no it is a joy. I learn that everyday I live. I thank God for giving me the tradeout I begged for and so much more, so much more.

Enjoyed the bus ride :hi: thank you, Gofa. That dithering is fun isn't it?


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## Gofa

"I thank God for giving me the tradeout I begged for and so much more, so much more."

Oh Pandora you know what to say to get a guy like me interested in a bit of a story. It's the term "trade out" that's got me second guessing. Never heard that before. 

I was thinking earlier today about how tangible the bench is that I sat on with Dither the other day, watching that publican bloke walk by across the road. I can see it like it was my own memory. Dithers internal dialogue just gets me nodding. I'm there sitting beside him agreeing or shaking my head, depending upon how things register inside, but it's the proximity that you notice. In gaming it's called immersion. Either way it all gets pretty real which is good from where I sit.

 Thanks for writing Dither


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## dither

Gofa,
I thank you so much for that.
That's all a person could ever wish for, and more.


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## Gofa

Today Dither is was no socks Friday. What's that you ask, it's when I go swimming I try to limit in and out of clothes time by wearing no socks. So the enivitable drive with a coffee in my portable mug has me try and make all the lights. There are 9 sets of lights between me and the pool and if your Kung fu is strong you can get through them all on green. Is this something that I strive for. That I focus upon as a sign that God is in His heaven and all is right with the world. Two words for you, Pretty Much.

I've  always been one of those face the corner changers in the pools dressing room. Best not to compare yourself with others least you become vain or bitter. I've taken to wearing underwater head phones that are the first item donned and from their everybody else just disappears into a cast of extras in my movie. Without my glasses on they are all a blur and no sound completes the dismissal of any body near. 

You do get the chance to look though, once youre in the pool. I had a guy in the next swimming lane smashing his arms down upon the water with every stroke he took. Big noise big splashes. Unresolved conflict issues I guess but it is a waste hitting water. I have surfed for many years and economically introducing your hands and arms back in for the next stroke makes for efficiency and less effort. Dither youre getting an education today on my bus.

A time or two ago I was in the other pool where I do a set of exercises, call them Qi Gong and Taichi. Think slow moving calisthenics. Three ladies were in the pool at the same time, a pool say 50 metres square. I'm in my world and it's amazing to see all three are talking. You look for a while then do the maths and there is no one left to be listening but no one cares. Welcome to a strange world.These ladies have buoyancy belts on so they are up to their necks in 5 foot of water bobbing up and down as they talk and gesture.  They move in the water constantly talking until I'm in the centre of the conversation. They are on three sides of me. I look from one to the other they don't even draw breath just keep at it. Finally they drift back to the centre of the pool and I am no longer in the middle.  Very odd, very scarey. Dither men and women are different. As I sat transfixed in the middle of these three talking heads bobbing up and down, I can't help thinking "it's another planet". I've been abducted and this is some weird alien simulation to see if I'll start screaming. 

Okay it's not all that bad I guess but on my weirdometer it's getting up there

the same but completely different was today as I sat in the spa pool getting warm before going home. You nod to the music and occasionally open your eyes to look around. There was this lady there, massively over weight. She has exercised in the water and now is resting by the pool. Genetics has dealt her a tough hand. In centuries past she would survive the famines. In our country in the pre European times if you could store calories quickly keep them long, you lived through the dark times. Natural selection applies as spoken of by that Darwin fella. Now those genetics devastate given the callory intake we have. Either way I watched her struggle to get up, to and walk to across the pools to leave. It's the courage, the guts to fight against overwhelming odds that impresses. The spirit of that lady, her drive is just a thing of rare beauty. 

As I said Dither they are not like us. The pool finally fills up, as I go early in the morning to miss the crowd. As the numbers get up there the crazies per acre hits the go home threshold and I bolt for the door.

i get a coffee two gluten free chocolate chip cookies and a straw poked down the plastic lid of the coffee to go. Sip slowly so you don't burn your tongue but its better than tipping it down your front as you drive. It's not chips Dither but I have to make do.

My work desk calls so I go home and do numbers and words which pretty much makes up my day job. 

More on another day


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## dither

I often wish i could swim but i've just never took to water, and as a kid i was quite afraid of it.
Wouldn't mind getting into that hydrotherapy gig though.
Don't know if that goes on around here.
We certainly have public Swimming Pools.
I should think that there must be something of that nature going on for old fogies like me somewhere.
As for "weirdometer" ( i like that one ), you can't beat public transport imo, well, public anything i reckon.
People!
They're a funny lot.
 Funny-strange that is, and then, maybe we're the weird ones.
Who's to say?
Dithering.
Happy daze Gofa.


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## Gofa

Ok Dither I've got my walking shoes on again
yesterday I was looking on the net and saw an advertisement for the Fetish Ball.  I went years ago on the basis of look and see and now for something completely different.
i bought something made out of latex for my nearest and dearest which she looked pretty good in to me. Not exactly Trinity out of the Matrix but you could muddle through. As for me I wore my best double breasted suit jacket white shirt and tie with fish net stockings to balance the onsombel  think the rocky horror show but panty hose. Pandora I am not the showy type.p for suspenders.
A friend of a friend had this as a hobby and on the basis of do one thing a day that scares you, it was worth a look in the company of others.
so you front up to the standard large ball area music lights action drama and try to suspend disbelief. The thing that impacted me most was the self acceptance of these people, it was wonderful to appreciate. I'm basically shy underneath a professional aura of competence and it was amazing to see people with their hearts on their sleeves 
on a bad day I would talk to no body but it was a good day so interaction with others was a must do. I remember having to go for a wee. Suddenly those pantyhose things are between you and a happy place. Either way I was in the toilet room waiting my turn and this 6 foot guy comes in wearing a ball gown full hair do and very nice fake boobs. I complemented him on his fake boobs saying well done I love the look. Having thanked me I got the run down on how many hours went into getting things just right and it was infectious to see the absolute joy this guy got out of what he was dressed in. I can get some way there when you get going on racing cars and dicing on a track but no where near these people. Later I was walking up some large stair way and the traffic jammed and I was face to face with this guy coming the other way in an outfit of spikes and leather and huge platform boots. Kinda scary on purpose. Only see I'd eyes. You've just gotta say something so I opened with "better to have all the pointing spikes on the outside rather than on the inside eh?"  He laughed and told me I was absolutely right.
its not too often you meet people that are doing things so different as to take you breath away with the silly magic of it all just like kids in a sandpit playing buckets and spades but they are all grown up.
The high light of my evening was being approached by a lovely woman who gave me her professional card as a Dominatrix. For a suitable fee she was prepared to tie me up and work upon her unresolved conflict issues while I obviously yelped on cue. It gave me the opportunity to ask a squillion questions some quite mundane as I could not resist. As a charted accountant I had to ask about tax implications and her expense and deduction profile before profit, all the time smiling at the silliness of the entire conversation. 
My point I guess and why I have referred back to this is self acceptance. These people had retained that child like let's pretend and had their Hangups on the outside. Suddenly I did not seem so crazy to myself.
 Like you accepting dithering around as it is a expression of yourself which others appreciate and see the real worth in. Which they do. I in turn am happy to see my internal musing as descriptive of myself rather than shutting it off saying why are you thinking all that rubbish
As a final point to the bleachers I've no interest in the fetish lifestyle but it is amazing how you can find understanding in the strangest of places. 
My only regret in hindsight was not being able to wander around eating chips out of a packet. Mind you many times I turned my head sideways left and right hoping what I was looking at made more sense tilted one way or another. Mostly it did not. 
Cheers Dither


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## dither

What a brilliant WWD Gofa.
"Fetish Ball", is that an American thing?
It's a new one on me.
Loved the dominatrix, let us know how it goes with her okay? ;-)


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## Gofa

The fetish Ball is an event hosted for people with fetishes with a sexual bent. I'm sure the BDSM scene is far more intense in your neck of the would than mine. Google May or  may not be your friend.

Regarding the Dominatrix  That contemporary philosopher Kenny Rogers wrote in regard of such enlightenment 
you have to know when to hold up
know when to fold up 
know when to walk away 
know when to run

i further solidify my understanding by referring to the apostle Forrest Gump when The Almighty spoken to him and said "Run Forest RUN". Some people think it was a movie. Me I know it was a documentary 

cheers dither   Happy you enjoyed the walk


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## Pandora

Oh boy pretty pictures . . . Ha! Fishnets? how cool is that. Your write is awesome Gofa and the message behind. Reminds me of my early twenties hanging with my gay guy friends, drag queens, unisex bathrooms and outrageous times, good times. The uninhibited makes for the best bonds this life has to offer. 

Speaking of pantyhose after one such night I awoke to find a pair next to the bed, I guess I got out of them through one of the knees . . . ha! Oh those were the days my friend but I knew they were bound to end. Still not conservative just a bit more quiet.

So enjoyed thanks Gofa!


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## Gofa

Oh dearest there are depths to you aren't there. A salute to all the strange and weird explorers we have met in our lives. As Neil Young so aptly said Better to burn out than to rust. Mind you the middle way works for me. A few scorch marks and nice patterns in my oxidation.


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## Gofa

Oh dear I'm a 2 page blogger now it's the performance expectation D. You're on page 7. I've heard rumours that real men have at least 5 pages. 
Oh dear I sit here, actually lie here, counting my woes. Last Dither.  Last is a place I've never really been before and I want to say its a new feeling. I think I should comment that my placing is not inaccurate and further when comparing yourself with others there is the potential to be vain or bitter. Well I'm neither, it's kind of fun
Still it will take some special chips to erase the haunted look I expect to see in the mirror next time I shave. Note to self tomorrow is soon enough.
i went to the largest city in this fair country to meet some Private Equity gurus from USA and listen to their you too can be as good as us pitch which was underwhelming. They thought I was joking when I asked how many Lear jets are too many. 
I went there to compare myself with others and came home thinking I'm not so bad and basically I "know stuff". Be it here or there in the wide world. 
I will be content with that I suppose winning has never drawn me. I like improving. I like getting better and I get the feeling that I have found an area I can really get better in. So score one point to me for finding a place to grow. 
It's funny my day job used to be a place to grow, now it's more repetition with the outcome of more or less money for some others who probably won't get around to spending it in the time they have remaining on this earth. 
I think the "N" on my internal compass stands for New as it no longer points at anything in my life that I recognise. Time for a change I guess. You see D we are all on some other buggers bus till we get off and say I wonder what it's like over there. I've got a city pass of sorts and It takes me no where that spins my wheels no more 
Interestingly I think there is a side street that has attracted my eye for a time or two. One of these day I will get off there and start walking. I might start looking for a newbie with out a bus pass that is all excited about being on the bus. Might just give them my pass before I get off. Seems a nice gesture.
But I will leave with a scoop of chips keeping me warm. No matter where I'm going those chips will still be centre stage in the pursuit of the ultimate meaning of life the universe and everything. I'm looking to have 42 chips in the packet when I exit. 
Funny how writing here tongue in cheek frames more than you realise as you pen the words. I've said many many times to friends that my life has mostly been waiting at a bus stop hoping one will stop and take me where I want to  go. Lying here I truly can hear it's approach. Nice feeling


----------



## dither

7 page, i've been thinking about that and whether or not it really belongs here to be honest. Yes i know that this part of the site is entitled how was your week? But i'm blogging, and i'd hate to be accused of ramping a tired thread. Oh i don't know. Reckon i'll let it ride for now. The members don't seem to mind.

I could do with a change of scenery but when i've just come off a night-shift, as far as i go on a Saturday morning right now is more than enough.

We'll see.

Wanting to go somewhere different this Saturday but again, we'll see.

dither


----------



## Gofa

Round here dither we have a saying 

no rush mate she"ll be right

the other one is. Don't worry about it mate it'll all work out for the best

take you pick. Damn the expense and take em both


----------



## dither

To be honest Gofa,
i really can't be bothered to care too much.
Much of it is beyond my control anyway.
Best just go with the flow imo.


----------



## coldnight

Wish you all the best


----------



## Gofa

dither said:


> To be honest Gofa,
> i really can't be bothered to care too much.
> Much of it is beyond my control anyway.
> Best just go with the flow imo.



Dither that is pretty much what the sayings mean


you are a natural.


----------



## Gofa

4 brave explorers came to our house this week and dug holes under our foundations. An engineer and a Geo-tech chatted while I stood there with a large chunk of my hopes and dreams teetering in the balance.
Next it was hammer drills and excavation. We left as the noise was so bad you could not talk on the phone or hear yourself think. 
Came home to find no men under the house and three holes at 1.5 metres deep. Two were filled with water. Went back under the house the next morning and all three are filled with water. We are on a hillside theoretically anchored to rock but the foundations are on clay where they excavated down and with a lot of water now flowing through it.
since the quakes things have changed in the ground and I think we are two pronged. Utterly two pronged. 
i cant think of better way to put it than two pronged. 
For those that need the decode cypher. Two prongs is a fork. We are kinda Forked. Utterly forked.
Next thing is to allow for an accent in the pronunciation. Scottish works for me.
Billy Connolly  "Eh Mun yoh Forked"


----------



## Pandora

That snuck up on me Gofa, I didn't laugh though to grave a situation. I admire your humor in tough times. Your creativity too. I'll hope they can correct this somehow that is a huge worry for you. Thoughts and prayers.


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## Gofa

Hello.  Like my monk friend in the shoe shop it's time to walk another mile but not in sandles rather with Dither.  My week as been good. The nice engineering men found water flowing through our hillside and a separation between rock and the base of our foundation. The ohhh Ahhh people will come soon and I will have to stand and listen and the nod meaningfully as they say ooohhhh and ahhhh. I too will nod but more in agreement with my internal comments of "you guys are just muppets". I'm sure they will think I understand them and they are right. I understand they are muppets 
I might get some business cards printed. Just 10 a time with John or Bill or Dave written on them. With a company definition of Muppet & Associates. When we meet again I'll hand them one saying I thought they dropped their card when they came on site. When they hand them back saying it not their card I will apologise for my mistake. 
My day job looks good and on track the exit door seems closer and perhaps a bit of a holiday beckons. Been a few years now as basic mayhem disrupts holiday plans 
This week i have finally reconciled that I will not ride my motorised skate board no more. It's sad really but the joy will be forever eclipsed by the hospitalisation that occurred last time I rode it. I need a new toy now as it is time to restart doing something I'm too old for again and recognise that there are other things that I am way too old for and better I be a rooster that use ta in their regard
im pretty sure it will all be fine tomorrow and sitting out on the deck in the sunshine tapping away here has made for a pleasant afternoon. 
I might just work up the energy for a chip run Dither. Oh oh but much better I was in the market the other day and looked at big chunky oven chips and threw some in the trolley. I'm already in do it yourself mode as I write 
Dither,  It's chip o'clock and I'm gone


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## dither

Gofa,
every Saturday i cook a pan full of oven chips and my hotdog omelette.


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## escorial

i always seem to miss this thread...it comes up an i think iv'e read it but i get mixed up....i enjoy the read because it's kind of..just life and the writers take on that..boss.


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## Gofa

Ok Dither no good turn goes unpunished 

Woke up with the usual suspects attending ie headache and assorted things hurting in no particular order. Seems I was exposed to chemicals years ago and it's messed with pain thresholds or whatever. So yup I understand the effing body parts bit

I lay there saying is all crap but actually it's not so I got up. Her indoors is doing breakfast and it drags me downstairs with each step bringing nicer and rounder flavours to mind based upon the lovely smells coming from the kitchen 

sunday morning jarmies coat on deck in sun shine eating poached eggs hash browns Boston baked beans and chorizo sausies. No chips but I understand breakfast need not be a spiritual journey

below in the valley someone accelerates away on an off road bike similar to one I competed on years ago. You can tell from the engine note. It brings back memories of racing on Sundays high speed across forestry tracks often in the rain and mud dressed up in plastic and metal a real gladiator riding a fiery steed. You look back and say. Was that really me. Damn that was dangerous people died doing that. Two word answer. Pretty much

Closer to now

i got really wound up last week dealing in my day job with a lawyer with a high opinion of himself but lacking the skills to support. The problem was I got really upset. It's silly but it happens. Really sitting here, living well is the best revenge, and yet letting the childish acts of others influence is something I'm too old for.

they say don't sweat the small stuff. Then they tell you it's all small stuff. And I guess they have a point

so it's Sunday it's sunny and no bus trip for me it's deck o'clock and may be a cigar and a nice read in the sun 

when I was young I always liked the idea of just up and running away leave the normal world behind. Not join a circus not be a monk but go somewhere simple Pacific islands works for me. Eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and not do much. You can see this has not been thoroughly thought through but who ever does

my point D is it's getting to be a real possibility. My problem is the level of change could  leave me disconnecting from pretty much everything. Pretty insular when you think it through. It's the mind set that beckons I'd like to think some new thoughts some time before I vegetate out. My day job and commitments are like weeds in a garden they choke the life out of the real plants 

As a point. Talking to my neighbour a time or two ago. We discussed additional garaging below his house. In comparison with him I haven't got to pennies to rub together. He said "mmmmm the cost. Not sure" I paused for a minute and after thinking asked "if you worked real hard at it could you spend all the money you have before you die". He thought about for a time and the said "no". 

Im not him but I'm starting to think about myself "it ain't about the money buddy" it's how you look at things that binds

kinda feel I'm on a voyage do self rediscovery. Above when I raced I risked my life because it was fun. Now I'm risking my health and it's not fun 

looking back to then I'm pretty sure I would not be happy about growing up to worry my self sick over other people money , as like my neighbour, the guys I deal with have more than they can spend 

its time to put on the gardening gloves D recognising that the weeds are sucking the life out of my allotment 

In simple terms I don't need to do this any more. That side road I see from the bus beckons and the music on this trip between stops is Kenny Rogers playing the gambler. You've got to know when to hold up know when to. etc etc 

I think I understand the when. It's pretty much now


----------



## dither

Gofa,
i don't know about the "running away",
walking will do for me.
Well, not so much walking as "sauntering", with a bit of a swagger, and just the faintest hint of  "up your's" to anybody even remotely interested.
My dilemma, as with every  other decision i ever had to make, is where to go.
Even now, as i type, i have this image of myself, in my mind's eye, my back to the world, and walking. In no particular hurry and without baggage, mental or physical.

Trouble is you see, all my  life has seemed aimless, pointless, without any real focus beyond paying the bills.

If some great deity suddenly manifested itself before me and said "okay dither, call it. Where do you really want to be in life? Job? Or not? Pastimes? Ambitions? Hopes? Dreams? What? I can fix it for you, right now"
I would have to respond with "i don't know. I don't f****** know.
I never DID, know.

As i get older now, i find myself thinking that i wouldn't mind a garden shed, yes, just a plain old run-down beaten up shed. I suppose that would suffice, my "some place to go", and dither at my leisure.

I'm tired Gofa, damn tired.

Nothing moves me any more, in any sort of context.
Thoughts of the Eagles track "Desperado". when the feelings go..........can't tell the night-time from the day ( a metaphor)... etc.

Oh dear, i'm getting morose. Maybe it's the juice.

Sorry.

Enjoyed your thoughts Gofa.


----------



## midnightpoet

out here in west Texas it's more "mosey." Both my parents died in their early 90's, so if i run true to their form I've got 20 years to mosey around on this earth.  20 years to do what?  I don't know, really.  My wife wants to fix the trailer up, paint the walls, put down new floors, and so on.  Why seems to be my answer and realize she wants something out of life while at times I really don't care.  Money comes in, money goes out.  and so it goes.  Fighting depression is hard sometimes,  and watching the evening news doesn't help.

However, I gave up worrying about things I can't change a long time ago. I look back at my life and see mistakes I've made and cringe.  So I made up my mind, in order to remain sane, to simply be a leaf on the wind and take things as they come.  This irritates the hell out of my wife but otherwise i'll end up in a place no one will like.  So I'm also dithering away.

And so it goes.  As the old cowboy says, don't squat with your spurs on.


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## dither

Nice one Midnightpoet.


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## midnightpoet

Thanks, Dithter.  Cliche' ridden, but it's a little early in the morning.


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## Gofa

If some great deity suddenly manifested itself before me and said "okay dither, call it. Where do you really want to be in life? Job? Or not? Pastimes? Ambitions? Hopes? Dreams? What? I can fix it for you, right now"
I would have to respond with "i don't know. I don't f****** know.
I never DID, know.

Mmmm. You got me going now great question and I'm pretty much like you.  I'm not played out but I'm running out things that spin my wheels. Could be testerone levels falling but I'm still capable of the odd alpha male punch their light out response so probably not.

but that said  maybe music. You are only 5 years away from being good at any thing and music would be good 

the problem is being easily discouraged or even more easily distracted

we will see dither, life's a box of chocolates and I would like to have some of the nice chewy tasty ones as the end game. I'm hoping my shit sandwiches have  run out and its going to be new fillings that take your breath away 

I won't Mama Cass. I know to chew my sandwiches 

that garden she'd sounds pretty cool that gets a vote   I used to have a glazed in area in one house I had and I could grow any flower you'd want. 

Go go for the shed.  Grow marihuana the locals will think its tomatoes   Just a thought

me I'd like to go back into the sea  it's just the body wants really warm water and that ain't anywhere near here.

still I've got 10 years 

cheers


----------



## Gargh

dither said:


> Gofa,
> i don't know about the "running away",
> walking will do for me.
> Well, not so much walking as "sauntering", with a bit of a swagger, and just the faintest hint of  "up your's" to anybody even remotely interested.
> My dilemma, as with every  other decision i ever had to make, is where to go.
> Even now, as i type, i have this image of myself, in my mind's eye, my back to the world, and walking. In no particular hurry and without baggage, mental or physical.
> 
> Trouble is you see, all my  life has seemed aimless, pointless, without any real focus beyond paying the bills.
> 
> If some great deity suddenly manifested itself before me and said "okay dither, call it. Where do you really want to be in life? Job? Or not? Pastimes? Ambitions? Hopes? Dreams? What? I can fix it for you, right now"
> I would have to respond with "i don't know. I don't f****** know.
> I never DID, know.
> 
> As i get older now, i find myself thinking that i wouldn't mind a garden shed, yes, just a plain old run-down beaten up shed. I suppose that would suffice, my "some place to go", and dither at my leisure.
> 
> I'm tired Gofa, damn tired.
> 
> Nothing moves me any more, in any sort of context.
> Thoughts of the Eagles track "Desperado". when the feelings go..........can't tell the night-time from the day ( a metaphor)... etc.
> 
> Oh dear, i'm getting morose. Maybe it's the juice.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> Enjoyed your thoughts Gofa.




Have you thought about applying for an allotment? Or perhaps a narrow boat would be more up your street? I've often wandered off with the idea of a narrow boat life myself. I have too many responsibilities right now so I guess I'll enjoy them while I can, but it's stored up there in the aether as one possible retirement plan.


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## Pandora

This is why men have man caves, maybe why ladies shop. I don't shop anymore, I would love to have a man cave. I miss a bar in the basement since we moved South. 

I think the garden shed is a great idea, with a comfy chair for watching the yard. You could always get a bird feeder dither and have some feathered friends over. O

As far as the question,  I've never had any real serious goals in life, been along for the ride. As far as a place I'd like to be, I would like to bask in my children's happiness, seriously, feel the warmth of that till it's time for my new life. That would be real peace of mind.


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## midnightpoet

You know sometimes things just happen you can't explain.  The other day I was grousing about all the junk in the yard and not long after a guy comes by asking for junk he could sell.  So now I'm rid of my yard junk now I need to be rid of my mind junk.

Looking for purpose, for me I guess it's taking care of my wife.  She has Chrone's disease and sometimes has accidents, often in the middle of the night; I of course help her clean up.  It's happened a couple of times at a store, she has an accident and I have to go into the ladies room (nobody else has offered, mind you) and help her change clothes (she always takes a spare).  Or maybe my purpose is simply poop.  It seems like I've been cleaning up poop all my life.

This morning there was mouse poop on the kitchen cabinet.

And so it goes.


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## dither

Midnightpoet,
i have an aunt who suffers with chrone's.
It's one helluva a gig ain' it.

As for the garden shed,
the wife would never stand for it, i think that SHE thinks, that i take up residence in it, i might,and i'm way past caring.

Life IS such a drag though and i DO often wonder what the point is.
I've posted a reflection of the typical weekend, and, after working my ass off all week, a bus ride out, a wander around the same old streets, in the same old town, and a couple of litres of cheap cider to go home to, that's as good as it gets, and yes, it could be a damned site worse.
I need, i think, a few months of total nothingness.
Of getting drunk, of slobbing around festering in my own puss, baring my arse to the world, until i got sick of it all, for as long as it took, y'know?
So,things will carry on much as they are now, and how DARE i complain?

Bad bad dither.


----------



## Gofa

Dither.  You have got to sell the wife the shed in the right way. It's her indoors shed that you just keep tidy for her. It's an imposition but because you care you are prepared to keep it looking nice for her.

Midnight   I too know chrones  a lady I dated between marriages she was a lovely thing   Getting things to stick and sizes yep       To me paper towels are your best friend

Pandora.  Oh a bar in the basement.  Yum.  Next you'll be telling us about the still out the back

speaking of which   Dither get a home brewing kit. Obviously for the wife not for you. Again because you care so much and look after it for her

now there's a hobby that would attract friends

speaking of booze   I bought some authentic Indiana Moonshine.  Real smooth like rocket fuel.  You buy a Wendy's lemon and lime slushy and pour some into a jam jar and add the moonshine. Wahoo  I like the jam jar. I call it an Appalachian drinking vessel   I live on a hill in the South Pacific and my middle names William. Guess I'm about as close as you are going to get to a hill billy round these parts

had to laugh at Bad bad Dither.  What's that song  bad to the bone   Mmmm. Reminds my of Harry  potter and dobby  
I'll give you a sock Dither


----------



## dither

Pandora with a still out back,
i love that thought.


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## Gofa

Ok. I feel I owe you a week end so let's see if I hit the send button after writing 
you obviously consider it inevitable but from here it's anything but certain

friday nights are the special time.  That pause, when you know the obligations are done, it's me o'clock and I'm accountable to no man, at least for a night if not more.

some weekends I like to achieve, others I set a goal of nothing.  I'm a big fan of getting up, a shave, a shower, and then consider the options. On a do nothing Saturday, its a fresh set of Pyjamas and return to bed saying. "Ah yes where was I"

i have an IPad on the head board of the bed with TV and media files streaming to it if desired. Noise cancelling headphones to turn off the world are a second line of defence. Mostly I read, again said IPad has books flowing to it from amazon etc and there is the exercise of tapping out messages to people in far away places like now.

inevitably there is the fridge run and rummage.   Sweet, sour,  crispy and soft   These are the four corners of a good back to bed snack 

If the phone rings I always get out of bed before I answer the phone by the bed. People often ask. "Are you up ?" And I hate to lie. After the introductions I generally climb back under the covers and speak enthusiastically as if I am climbing mountains achieving goals, and a veritable captain of industry. Truth is I'm lying in bed in the sun on Saturday morning reading and this is the best thing since sliced bread. Particularly in the winter and a must do if it's pelting down with rain. 

So the next thing on a week end is a trip to the mall. It's grocery time. I like grocery shopping it's an adventure. In the store are things that make feel good and things that don't. The game is to get the good things into the trolley.
I'm slightly special needs in the food department. I'm allergic to the wheat protein. You know flour. Have you any idea how much flour is in just about everything that tastes nice. It's all a bit sad for me.  I'm a packet reader 1442 vs 1422 as additives is the difference between getting basic food poisoning, little own something that actually contains wheat. So when you shop, like Clint Eastwood, you need to ask "Do you feel lucky Punk" cause if you don't try you don't know. I try to look for something new untried and do one thing a day that scares you. Eat something new. Roll the dice. Or nuh I've got meetings next day better not go all chucky.

While I'm walking I always like looking at the people, it's fascinating. You look at them and spread before you is a story of where why when and how. So few are in a happy place. When I was young I used to wonder where do the mean harsh people that were my parents friends come from ? How could they ever have been kids playing and laughing. Like dried out prunes where did all the juice go. Now as I walk in a mall I see so many people in the process of un-juicing. They some how stop being kids. Me I've never grown up. I'm old but I've never grown up. 

I talk to people or amuse myself when I'm in the mood. My favourite is when caught behind someone taking a long time choosing an item upon them picking I say "I was going to take that one" mostly I don't think they find it funny. Me I never get tired of it. The shock, then the entitlement that they got it first. It's lovely

then there's the people with broken bits. They make me talk with upstairs. Such talk is along the lines of "Can you do something here Buddy ? Or not fair Ref ? As your heart goes out. To me so many times you get the feeling that too many of these things need not have been. Now for all the fun this is the sad side of seeing. The depressing inputs of knowing a bit more than surface observation followed by "wish I hadn't peeked in that window". Every now and then you catch the odd person peeking in your own windows. Lovely to give them a wink. Or raise your eyebrows. They always get a shock along the lines of "Holy Shit is he looking back ?"

you see D you're a peeker just like me. Its not some weird mystical thing just what we do. You get a sense of others. It comes through strongly in your writing so as to make it obvious. No biggy it is as it is.
sometimes it's an oppressive weight in the company of too many people. Sometimes it's time for head phones and tune all of them out. 

I used to ride a bus to work when I was young. My God they were bad times. Trapped in a tin can with a hundred really unhappy people morning and night. Cuts a hole in your soul. Same people every day going in, same coming back. No body talked. 

This reminds me. I was once told a story about heaven and hell. Seems this guy asked God to show him the difference.

So the guy wakes up in a hall with food filling the table with hundreds seated. Everyone had a spoon but the spoon is three foot long and their arms are too short for the spoon such that it reaches past their mouths. They can't get the food in. The food spills and there's continued screaming shouting. The people are sickly and starving. A real place of horror.

Ok he says yup this is Hell. How about heaven ?

Next thing the guy wakes up. Same room, same table, same food, same three foot spoons. But all the people are fat , happy, laughing, in good health. The difference is they were feeding each other. The spoons worked well when utilised to feed each other.

Scary eh

Well I'm at the end I'm out of puff, and it looks like I will push send so you were right in regard of my opening line

well that an average Saturday. Small intermission and I will be back with an average Sunday


----------



## dither

What an absolutely brilliant read.
You've scratched MY surface and peeked in somehow.

Re "a sense of others", imagined or real? Oh to know, see into other peoples minds, thoughts and perceptions, likes/dislikes/prejudices etc.
The need to feel, to knock their door, conquer their fears, and gain entry, only to wish that you hadn't, so one doesn't.

Gofa, some years ago now i was diagnosed a coeliac, intolerant to gluten.

Re People un-juicing, Gofa we're like plants. When tended we blossom, untended we wither, it's that simple.
Trouble is, once untended, we fight shy of being tended, we lose sight of how to react to being tended, and it's a shame.
Then the self-fulfilling prophecy self fulfills, and it's all over, next stop prunification.
So much feeling unfelt.
So sad.

I loved your tale of heaven and hell.

Gofa, 

you take care eh?


----------



## Gofa

Such compliments do my heart good D.  Thanks. Made my day


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## Gofa

It's another week end. Thoughts come and go. Interesting how life presents itself as both question and answer 
funny how you can feel to be a walk on extra in you own life. I was hoping for centre stage in my own life, but mostly it seems to be a "walk up to your marks say the lines as dictated" and your bed beckons and tomorrow you get to do it all again.
Been talking with a friend. Always dangerous that. Yet to consider change is a scary thing. Some of my job is like holding on tightly to barbed wire. Other stuff is fun. Thing it's there is a used by date and playing for keeps takes the fun out of any game. 
Still I'm moving towards the locker rooms. Mind you there are times of small satisfaction 
Was approached by a bank to help company they were concerned and had seen my work. Went and spent some time saw large cash recoveries available from correcting stupid mistakes. The owner was rude and represented back to me my advice as his own in a subsequent meeting. Told me he would only consider if I was self funding ie no cure no pay. 
I told him he was one decent screw up away from disaster. I went and looked as a favour to the bank. This guy thought I was pedalling. Banks don't call in guys like me cause they are happy. 
Still give the client what they want  "no cure. No pay" is what he got. I walked "no pay" the 300k in overpaid taxes stays over paid, "no cure"
that's the price of him counting the back teeth of a gift horse.
years ago I would have helped any way. Sun Tzu in the Art of War talks about seeking protection from a bad King
one lesson I have achieved I guess 
i usually don't talk about my day job but it was the topic in another thread. Sometimes I work 15 days and night straight and end up with no pay. My job is flash but still the sandwich filling can turn to shit like it does in anybodies
Its pretty obvious when I look inside I'm ready for something completely difference. Met a guy I know in business he chucked it in and became a Gardner. Awesome to see the change in him.
Still the water runs a bit deeper than this for me. Might continue to poke around here next time. Seems I'm on a mission D 
So "Buckle up Dorothy" I might just end up a long way from Kansas 
you see D I've stood between people and a financial cliff for years. Turned so many around but now my heart is gone. 3 left on my books then I hang up my guns. Make that 4 as I need to save myself from a rapacious insurer 
still the lovely flavour of helping and elegantly turning defeat into victory is gone like a stone taken from water. It loses it's colours as it dries and this reminds me of my un-juicing comment above. May be I need "John from Cincinnati" to come explain stuff.  Or I look for answers in the bottom of a pottle of chips 
l am pretty sure the answer is out there. I'm also pretty sure I have no idea where that particular "there" is, but working on mysteries with out any clues looks like it could be a hobby.

Cheers Gofa

interesting to sign my non-deplume 

its my 30 + year old gaming handle  It always works in conjunction with my day job as I fetch and carry for others.


----------



## dither

Gofa, i'm tired of doing what i do, it's just a means to and end.


----------



## Gofa

Me too


----------



## dither

I Just wish sometimes that i had a plan.
Ambition, hopes, dreams, desires, something to strive for.
That  that which i sought most of all, was/ might just be attainable.

I'm ashamed to say that i crave nothing really.
Yes i'd like to win the lottery.
Have a few friends even.
Years ago, i used to look in on my brother, he'd have mates round, we'd bust a few cans and put the world to rights y'know?
A real all nighter.
Some would gradually slope off in the small hours and the rest would just nod off where they sat lied or slouched.
I loved those times.
And i can't ever remember a word be spoken in anger.
We could all agree to disagree.

happy days.


----------



## Gofa

I Just wish sometimes that i had a plan.
Ambition, hopes, dreams, desires, something to strive for.
That that which i sought most of all, was/ might just be attainable.

you ou have summed it up nicely and that is the inner conflict element so delightfully portrayed in the shadows

that which I seek might just be attainable if I dream if only I dare 

the thing you hide from the full gaze of your own self appraisal. An undertaking, a goal, that when you were a child was the thing of high art, a thing that made your heart sing with expectation. A noble quest, to create, to go where no man has gone before. Seemed such a noble calling as a kid, the Blues Brothers on a mission from God, getting the band back together or Star Trek reaching out into the darkness
For me it's remembering. Remember Blade Runner. "I've seen places you would never believe"  Well D I've seen / remember places I struggle to believe and I'm the guy with the memory of being there. 
Let me slip off point but illustrate my nervousness.  A few years ago a friend explained the physics to cheap energy. It was an accidental discovery in doing his PhD. I talked with people and those in the know said you touch this stuff and they come for you in the middle of the night and suddenly no one remembers you. All those guys that invented cars that run on water. Don't be one of those. It ends badly. I'm not going this way. 
You can understand the principles. Closer to where I sit now though it is allowing these things to be real. Like Neo in the Matrix I'm starting to believe. The sure knowledge though is if I open this can of worms the contents are never going to fit back in the same can 
its funny you muscle up to the idea with intrepid steps. Then the WTF glasses go on and you not sure about anything until the next time it cycles through. 
I can identify with the restless sleep of some brave knight in medieval times as he is prompted to seek the Holy Grail. That too does not end well. I can image the Knights thoughts. Nuh holy grail you'll never find it. I've just got the knighting business in a good place. Time for some rest and lay back times. Better knights have failed than I am. Your kidding me eh.
But the memories remain. They are my memories. I have no plan. I have no desire for greatness. I'd tell Gandolf to stick it up his arse. I've got a nice little hobbit house. Why goes poking around and piss off a lot off a lot of people that feel world domination is important. 
Mmm and then like now the memories fade and it just goes back to being a nagging concept in the back of your mind. 
A comment. To myself along the lines of "we'll see" and consider it time to go back to sleep. Which it is
Mm. Round and round the prickly pear. Not sure why that came to mind.
Mmmmm wish I hadn't just googled it to check the spelling. Oh dear 
Cheers


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## dither

Gofa,
i DO believe that you are dithering. ;-)

Well hi there, how do you do?

WTF glasses, took me back to girl i once courted many years ago.
As for the restless knight, forget the holy grail, he just wanted to rape and pillage. 

World domination, interesting comment.

Just coincidence i suppose.
I've just been looking at the political stuff being posted in here.


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## Gofa

Where fore art though Dither. Must i suffer the slings and arrows of, actually not a bad week, or take to typing against the sea of troubled souls that confront me as i go to the Market.
without thee Sir Dither i feel alone on my quest for the answer to life the universe and everything.
Alas i will soldier on in the sure knowledge that your extra cuddle in the morning with her indoors lead to other things which made you late for the market then there was the other stuff and when you got home you fell asleep, head tipped forward on your chest and tea cake crumbs sprinkled across your vest.
its 1pm on a sunny sunday, spring is here and the sun warm enough to sit out side and enjoy a little warmth. Today i am celebrating St Hugh Hefner the patron Saint of those that stay in their pyjamas all day. One of the side effect of St Hughs day is dont answer the door. Who ever decided to call chose badly and its their problem.
Yesterday went to the mall for groceries. The place was filled with the usual suspects, and none of them happy. I saw a couple of Vodafone staff sitting together on their break. Both tapping like hell into their phones. I walked up behind and read over their shoulders. I look upon it as advanced user research. My wife scolded me for being nosey. I defended with a plea of I'm information gathering. For those interested they were playing action games.
 Still no body was smiling in the whole mall, although i talked to this guy when buying a belt. He too could not find one large enough. I think there is an inherent skew in belt sales. Skinny people dont need them so they are the only ones left. Either this guy finds one after saying "too much beer probably causes this problem". As he was leaving i was still hunting and he advised that he has got a $10 discount. I said "use that to buy more beer on the way home" i got a thumbs up and "excellent idea" as he walked away.
PS bought some cider the other day. Danish or something. Pear is the base. On the basis of do one thing a day that scares you i reached out for it. Its not Taurus, and potentially could be good for me, but I'm prepared to overlook that. 
I'll be back Dither and if your not here I'll come looking. Remember Liam Nieson in Taken. I have a whole host of skill sets Dither and i will find you. 
I remember having my two youngest watch that before they went over seas. Nothing better than having a game of "spot the predator" in an airport but I digress, 

cheers

G


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## dither

Gofa,
what an excellent read.
Last Saturday was a total none event.
This Saturday i roamed around Barkton feeling, i don't know, it WAS the strangest feeling, just ,,,,nice.
Neither happy nor sad, it felt "nice", and i was so aware of how i was with myself, i'm struggling to put it into words, being there, pacing out the usual well trodden route that varys very little from week to week.
Cuddles? I don't think so and as for "other things", good god no.
Hope you enjoyed your pear cider.
I'm sitting here nursing a hangover, damn the pear.
As for Mr. Niesen and "Taken", i haven't watch a movie or television even, in years. I might catch a glimpse of the tv as i'm getting ready for work in the week, and if something takes my fancy i might linger for a few minutes but that's all.
As for Hef, what a man what a life.

I SHALL be back later, i've been out with my notebook, and i shall try not to bore you all TOO much with my ditherings.

Later.

Ps,
Enjoyed reading about your day, i like your view of things.
You do good stuff Gofa.

dither


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## Gofa

Ok D. Its Sunday night  I've had a cup of tea and a lay down so maybe it's time to tell like it was given our chat 

went to a annual conference in another city lots of overly motivated people drinking too much coffee and weighed down with the gravity of the capitalistic ethic. More money greater power. Next step national domination and then the world.

oh dear how sad never mind. 

i was obligated to address the multitude. I thought it was for 10 minutes then i was told an hour. 10 minutes is an ad lib 60 minutes brings on panic. 

I stood up in front of these men and women of great motivation with unsound bowels and no sleep. 

Do one thing a day that scares you well this was IT.

i had listened to men talk on leveraging legal opinions, macro economic indicators and other equally boring stuff. I sometimes would wake in the audience with a start worried i had been snoring in my sleep.

well when it was my turn a guy in the front row was asleep and let a sleeping dog lie. 

i talked about telling the truth in business. I talked about being defined by what you say NO to. And that clients are long term relationships and best orientated to as friendships. 

Afterwards it took me 30 minutes walking around in the hotel to calm down. 

Many people were complimentary and thanked me. Those at the top showered me with praise.

why say this ?  Its the next bit that is my point

A nationally recognised comedian was the closing speaker. He talked on depression and anger and the dark side. he asked  for a show of hands as to people who had sought counselling and after an "Oh shit" moment before i stuck my hand up on the honesty ticket. 

It was getting passed the fear that interested me. You see in being seen as a success in the morning then being honest in the afternoon as being a crazy was an oh dear moment which I'm very happy i did. Not many guys there other than me with their hands up

You remember the bus i say im getting off. That conferrence was pretty descriptive of the bus I'm on and the gravity of such focus does prevent you lightening up. 

I promised my self i would be kinder to my body and i hope i keep my word. My world has too much stress or i orientate to it too stressfully. I dont want to bust something i need later in the pursuit of things i already have. When my body was young it was fine. Im neither young nor fine now.

habits of a life time are hard to put down

cheers 

G


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## dither

Man what what a gig,what a trip.
Rather you than me mate.
No way could i do what you did, ugh'ugh!


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## Gofa

Im a bit over used and in the middle of projects that allow for an unpaid holiday on the basis of if you do nothing you can't send a bill.

That said it is so sad and funny at the same time to watch my subconscious give me the hurray up that i better not waste time. There is important stuff to be completed etc etc like twin sticks to market the "I have to" and "I must" seek to keep the motor running on over rev. Yet there is no musts no have To's They are done.

honestly it is all abit sad when you need to sit down and write out how silly your own behavior is in the hope that you will acknowledge your own words and stop driving yourself to an early grave.

i dont have to do this and yet like some rat in a maze you keep running turning corners. Twice in the last 12 minths i have seriously had to acknowledge that my life was over. How do you excorcise such behaviour that allows you to return to the scene of the crime with renewed intent given you have been pardoned not once but twice.

i think this will need be a serial as any answer eludes me but i do think this is as close to a real cliff hanger as i want to step.


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## dither

We're all programmed i suppose.


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## Gofa

I think you have that right. Kind of the sorcerer's apprentice but up close and personal


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## Gofa

Its Friday night 
The night for a trip on my imaginary bus. I will try and mention something of interest but i hold out no real hope
my week has been one of not working apart from the odd phone call and mostly focused on mechanics with a car project. Its interesting to have time. To cease organising or justifying time allocation on a cost benefit basis.  The other day I went and bought some chips across the road from the workshop my car is in

ive just stuck a picture of my car with missing pieces (dash etc.) in the process of being rebuilt. Either way the chips were very nice and walking back it struck me that i was not in a hurray nor narrowly focused in regard to whats next. I stood there and noticed the road the hills and my chips awaiting to be eaten. Nothing was framed as time off and time back on or better get it done now as later will be more difficult. The threat of consequence was missing. Things just are as they are. No greater backdrop or positioning in a larger picture. Just chips, walking slowly and no where else i would rather be.
Its odd i'm sure some people live their whole lives like this. As regards me, my own self restraint renders life a walk in a maze with walls of cost and consequence. 
Ive been told that we can spend our lives building a bicycle and we mostly end up carrying it on our backs rather than riding it as initially intended. We forget along the way the what, and the why, of our lives and too easily miss its proper usage.
im not talking external reality here rather how we frame stuff in our own heads. 
Someone said it to me the other day. 10% of our lives is what happened 90% is how we reacted to what happened.
Scary ratio.
Ive spent my life worrying about stuff that never happened. All that time spent was nothing to do with my life. It was my imaginary life. Its sadly funny the hours the days the years i have spent where i was never going to be.
i dont think i get a refund but it kinda feels like buying a ticket on a carnival ride and sitting in a crouch with you eyes closed for its duration as you think something will go wrong.
the point here is a large jump but ties together seamlessly in my mind. Ive tried to be a wolf in sheep's clothing so as to fit in better.  The sheeps clothing has brought its own problems probably greater than those trying to be avoided. Further there was concern to not getting hung as a wolf. The point now is if i get hung i might be in sheeps clothing but i will still be a wolf when I'm hung, and could well have been hung for the wrong reason. 
They say to your own self be true. Now im looking for a map and a compass as i have no idea where i left myself oh so many years ago.
if you cant understand what the &&&& I'm talking about, take comfort theres only us sheep here and if we keep looking at the grass no one should notice.


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## dither

Well it's about time, where you been ditherin?

There's a lot going on there. So much unsaid, but i  get where you're coming from i think.
Y'know? I many ways, i see my ramblings as a kind of cleansing, peeling off the layers, washing away the dirt, purging myself almost, but not quite. There's always just those little bits that stubbornly remain, and that's life i suppose. Looking back.

You're not alone Gofa,
enjoyed the read,

dither


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## Ethan

Quote, Gofa: "the number of my years is 3 score plus 0ne
last year I fell from my motorised skate board at speed and was hospitalised. People ask me why I was doing this. My answer being it was a whole lot of fun up until I fell off."

I laughed so hard when I read this I could barely type this response. This is truly Majestic, not to mention one of the most profoundly funny things I have read on this forum. They should give you a medal for this. Thanks for making my day!


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## Gofa

Thanks Ethan

yup D writing here is looking into the corners eh. Rattling some cages and gauging the squinty eyed bastard who looks back out of the mirror of your own words. 

PS wheres that lovely Pandora woman D.


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## dither

Was thinking the same, hope all is well with her.
I'm missing her also.


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## Gofa

My weekend D pretty much focused around the answer to the following question two post up

i cant write here and not mention the profound effect 

PS wheres that lovely Pandora woman D

I'm still getting it settled in my mind as I'm in that denial phase with a little not fair thrown in to mix it up. This does not lessen or change that fact that a friend has gone. Yes she's transitioned away and I understand that this occurs as everything has a beginning a middle and an end. All that said, I really liked the short time I had with her and it brought a joy and a warmth into my life. I will miss her and feel saddened that the time able to be spent with such a lovely woman was so short. Enough said I guess although my words seem inadequate and I am sure those closer to her will be feeling it much much deeper than me, these many thousands of miles away. This is my week 

On a lighter note D today new ground was covered. I bought chips and asked for two small plastic pottles. In one i put tomato sauce in the other malt vinegar.
dipping the chips in the malt vinegar, was a wahoo, OMG experience. What can I say, I've sprinkled the odd bit of vinegar in the past but not like this and the result is a thing of rare beauty.

final bit is a week starting again physically working in an engineering shop. My bits hurt and fingers and forearms are randomly gouged and torn. Still the best fun Ive had with my cloths on since I fell off the skate boat last August. 

i like the fact that doing stuff is a function of getting it right. My day job is as much about avoidance of potential errors as it is about getting it right and it is a pleasure in the shop to focus in the here and now.

Theres not a lot of sit back and glory in the accomplishment before you, when regarding my day job. Its more as follows

Client : OMG we are all going to be financially wiped out.  Oh no its ok now. That was a close call. Lets move on. I'm particularly pleased i choose to follow that advise. I've done well. 

Bit cynical you think. Still true though. Its life you say and I agree but I dont like it 

I'd like to end on a happy note so

B#

Cheers

G


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## Gofa

Well D I'm sitting in the sun. Sunday afternoon and enjoying as best i can a cigar a coffee and a cider. I thought of writing here and got up and fetched a swedish pear cider i had found in the market and bought   rekorderlig is the brand. I know it is not your real english rot gut but out here in the colonies you take what comes along i guess 
I've had a few days in the north island on business and spent way too much time in a car and now like you i am saying ffffing legs. This old mans rust has got to go. Saw a lot of places in the North Island, little villages i guess by way of description and everything was different and everything was quite the same. 
Some days you feel you are a walk on extra in someone elses movie 
Went to a place call Te Awamutu. Nice little lake with a yacht club. I was there regarding the history as in the 1700's 10,000 from one tribe decided to decimate 3,000 of the local tribe. The 3,000 wiped out the 10,000 by leading through a swamp in the middle of the night and funneling them into a killing corridor. No guns no arrows just wooden spears and stone clubs. 
I suppose the nearest thing to you is clans attacking one another in pre Roman times. It always amazes me that some plonker can motivate the masses to go and kill people they have never met. Leaving wives and children to starve if you dont come back. 
I liked pidgeon coming out and saying she also fancies women. Me Ive always been that way. Ive never dated men and find them all singularly unattractice. Never understood why women find them attractive but it takes all types i guess. 
Me as i get older i am less inclined to hide what i am but it is still enough to sour friendships and kill off professional acceptance. You tread carefully but it gets tiresome to hide. I Was sitting with two people i know who got into a scathing evaluation of all things ESP. I sat quietly for 30 whole minutes before these professional sceptics finally crossed the line. I interjected saying can you change the subject. I got "why is this boring" I said no its just hard to sit here listening to you tell me that I dont f@@king exist and at best I'm a delusional wannabe. All this so you can self serve your own insecurities. It all went a bit quiet after that. Saying people are wrong for what the feel think or see is the height of ignorance but pretty common
i cant help but notice closet gays stepping back into the shadows and its sad. Those with the moral high ground to me are generally the most corrupt bunch you will find when you can look inside. Probably not good to mention the Spanish inquistion or the slaughter of the nostics in france or the witch hunts as its been around a while. As for rhe current iteration of Isis. Easy solution. Capture their leaders and give them all a sex change and make sure they are all 36 double D cup size. Then release them back into their own society. What a reality check that would be.
 I hear your life eh. Well I'm glad I'm here far far away from the madding crowd.
Small update on my sore legs etc,  the cider is medicinal. You should apply for it on national health.


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## dither

Cider on the nhs, for medicinal purposes, now there's a thought.

Much to think about there Gofa.
Swedish pear, interesting. Have never heard of rekorderlig, but hey! Good is as good does.
Cigar, coffee and pear sounds good t'me mate although i don't smoke.

 As for inter-tribal conflict, i think there may have been  skirmishes in the Scottish highlands in years gone by, but nothing like what you talk about.

One hears it said of prejudice being born out of fear, shame it takes so long to work that one out. Fear, and insecurities being the root-cause of many wars i'd venture.

With regard to the " walk on extra analogy", y'know? It's funny, i had my usual roam around Barkton, yesterday, nothing out of the ordinary, all pretty much same as, but with the strangest feeling, i was very aware that i felt like a tourist.
I wandered/roamed and took delight in the most mundane every-day stuff,  i was sight-seeing, can you imagine that? I found that thought so amusing.

As for homophobia, god knows what makes men attractive to men, and maybe straight women wonder about gay women, but none of us are perfect eh? And who's to judge? Live and let live i say.

Great post Gofa, enjoyed,

dither


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## Gofa

Well D good on you for the wake up call. The dreams were just so so

to days bus trip is about time

ive quit working till the end if the year and find an equilibrium turning up that is an old friend almost forgotten
ive lived in a time poverty of getting this done, if it not complete it will all turn to crap. The house is on the line, a gun at your head.
well not so much now. Its interesting to see tunnel vision flex and expand out.
let me tell you about the chips.
i work 4 days a week on my car in a special racing based auto shop. This picture is my new dash with a leather background actually completed by me. Very cool feeling to do something out side of your skill sets. Please note it screwed up and got rebuilt once and some packing is needed as trimmed too small but thats just niggling



The big thing here though is the chips. A hundred metres up the road is a takeaway for the local factories. I buy a large bag of chips take a second paper and put half and half in each bag so as to get the salt evening distributed. This is serious stuff. Last week i tipped the half bags into a new to get salt top and bottom. Life is in the details.  Point is as with the dash theres no hurray. I think up stuff and do it in its own time. 
Often i give one if the bags away when i get back into the shop but D but
i take a pottle of vinegar now. Oh the holy vinegar has blessed my chips with the taste of the divine
i sit there on this wooden chair with my coffee looking at the car chewing chips with the sacred sauce.
time passes but its life.  Its my life D not a string of events to be managed.
ive just been told a wetsuit manufacturer has approached the my company to be reviewed and sold. Mmmmmm. Might just come out of my holiday mode to sell that. I surfed with the owner 30 years ago. Im pretty sure theres a chip shop walking distance from there too. I drove past the other day. Its a sign

seems there is a before shoot too


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## dither

You seem to have a nice routine there Gofa, i envy you, but then the grass always seems greener some place else.
Good to see an update from you, and enjoyed the read.


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## Gofa

I have returned with soon to post tales of skill and daring. I have filed my tax returns for 2006 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
i am righteous before the crown 
i hate rushing into things
my holiday D draws to a close.  I shall summon forth my captains of industry clothing, done my squinty of eye look and return to playing with others money
i have some ooohhhh and aaahhhh meetings to attend to later this month which should be spectacularly unproductive.
silly men trying to cover their arses while saying oooohhhh i dont know and aaaahhhhh we will need further guidance in this matter
the ooohhh and aahhh men are a fact of life but i would rather they were in some others life

its life Dither. I just wish it werent mine


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## dither

Looking forward to the reads Gofa.


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## Gofa

Ah the rambles. It seems odd i see stuff on my walks i comment i must tell Dither this. Not a chip gets eaten without refection as to a fellow connoisseurs opinion as to potential as chip of the week 
i had a large internal Dither moment when eating lunch with my wife at a beach restaurant recently. It was noisy annoying and the food took forever. Which drives the usual "let's look at everybody" and compose an entry
There were the usual suspects in the 2 out of the 3 corners available as we had sat in the 4th. They have arms legs and heads Dither but honestly im not sure they are human. A couple through the window had lake titichacha tours tee shirts and a large map of our coutry spread between them. 300 hundred years ago we were mostly cannibals and these two looked like they would be nice boiled with a few vegetables. Adventure Tourists, yum an excellent dish. We kill about 20 plus a year on white water rafting and other high risk outdoor pursuits. You dont find it in the travel brochures but these two looked like they were here for the "OMG im gonna die" adrenaline junky tourist stuff. As a true islander and former soul living from the tourist market, you salute them, and ask that they die happy and with their visa cards maxed. 
Turning to the table next to us were two strange women in German peasant girl outfits. Out of place you think ? Me too. Corsets tassels and odd shoes. Watch out for the shoes. We chase the ones with poor foot wear first. Easier to catch.
I sat for a long time trying to figure out how Helga and mini Helga came to sit with an Aussie in a Bathhurst Motor Racing jacket with the usual garish colours. Culture shock at either extreme. Mini Helga had shaved temples and a top knot. Dither i said to myself, Im on your bus buddy all i need is a nose ring and a few tattoos. These two were way too tough for cooking. It was obvious they were stick in your teeth chewy. Much better to keep them as bait for next time the tribe goes fishing.
I understand your pan fried sausage omelette has a cultural back drop and I've tried to reflect this culinary metaphor above as best i can 
Its high Summer here Im due to return to work but a major project got cancelled so Im in no hurry which is good. The car is finished im looking for a new hobby as the car is trapped in the garage till formally certified. As to a hobby. Nothing that puts me back in hospital like that last one. Mind you the motorised skate still sulks in the garage jeering at me as i pass. Faint words of scaredy cat whispers toward me

cut and paste below. Damn watching that makes it pretty tempting. FIIK skate boards just the thing for 61 year Roosters that use ta. It was real fun till i fell off at high speed 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=13GZJM0zSxo

hows that D.   Bit of this bit of that 

be seeing you


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## dither

Brilliant Gofa, worth the wait.
Funny how the mind wanders in such situations eh?
Do you ever wonder if people are watching you watching them and what they're thoughts might be?


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## Gofa

Im back D. Come for a walk
im getting old sunshine. Im in denial, but the truth is still there for me to see. Bought a Kart. Think small missile with massive G forces on cornering. 20 years ago I was hard to beat. I stopped back then as I tore my shoulders badly and the kids were growing up. One last fling i think right now but oh dear how sad never mind.  I will try again changing set up and positioning etc but im a rooster that use ta. Maybe theres some fun to be had but i will not go quietly.
Oh yes do we go quietly into the night. No fucking way. I will do my up most to live disgracefully for as long as I can. Im sure when in some old peoples home with sex some distant memory i will ocasionally grope a cute nurse just for old times sake and make promises i cant keep to any female inmate worth the effort. 
What do we do with the end game D
I'm smarter happier than ever before in my life but some how lost. I have everything you are supposed to collect and none of its shinny any more. I like writing but but but. Yes, Im unsure about others reading it. 
To me writing is a conversation with self and the thought of others eavesdropping tarnishs the communion. Says odd to you ? Well it says odd to me so we think a like.
i think i will look for a getting old mentor.  Its new ground and so advice from those that have gone before never hurts. There are things i want to do but most of them ive done better in the past and therefore less of an attraction. Not in to a bucket list. Its more a thematic drive than unfulfilled plot lines. Living well is the best revenge. I would like to exact a lot of revenge by living very well. 
Im not frightened of dying. Thats never been an issue. Ive spent a life time trying not to see dead people. Whatever the DNA quirk that drives this I have it. Not something i choose to pursue. Make a mental note based upon my experience D. Just cause they are dead does not make them any smarter. 
So D what next. What do i want to be when i grow up, cause that is right about now. 
In the last 2 years ive had a couple of invitations to the next life. I politely declined these offers but it leaves you unwilling to pretend too many things have real meaning. 
When the gun is at your head most of the stuff on the out side strangely evaporates into being of little consequence. I watched that twice and still I am not a whole bunch smarter as to what a replacement should be. 
Im back to writing as the stuff in my head intrigues me. My skill is in business commnication but my imagination knows no bounds.
That nice Mr Condaments might get a call. Maybe i can be taught to avoid the worst of the gramatical and spulling errors that will betwix them there readers. 
They say that your chosen profession should be one that you pursue even if no reward was to be coming from it. I like writing D readers are optional and money is not something i am seeking. That pretty much settles it D
When i grow up im going to be a writer. That Pandora woman, bless her,thought very highly of my novel of sorts. I miss you Lady P and damn theexpense Ive got iver your sad loss and am writing again. See you in Heaven. I want the best cugar nicest cognac, and a story to die for from you dearest P.
No rush though. I still have places to go and people to shag. 
Well the shag bit might be overstated. A person rather than people is more accurate.
One thing D while it occurs. Get a set of in ear headphones. Load some music on your phone and walk around your favourite mall listening to the music. The world changes sunshine. My treat go try it


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## dither

What a brilliant post, well worth the wait.So much truth and wisdom there. Karting sounds a bit wild to me and more than just a little bit crazy but somehow i get the feeling that you're up to it whatever your age.
As for writing,mmmmmmm, well, for me, what i post in here is my "someone to talk to". Yes i am for the most part just thinking aloud but it's me, happening.
 People to shag, lol, you and me both mate. In my dreams. I never had people to shag when i was younger so it sure as hell aint gonna happen now but it's a lovely thought.
Death? I can't lie, i do wonder about that and i worry about the how and when, so much so that i could eventually ( if the reaper doesn't come calling first) take matters into my own hands and   jump of some place high but that's  in my imaginings.
As for the old peoples home, i'm hope that euthanasia will have become an option by then. I don't know how i'd deal with that level of abuse.
Y'know? I saw that young girl when i was out yesterday and for her i'm not sure if her natural beauty is a blessing or a curse. She was wearing skin tight denims, come to think of it all her clothes looked tight.  She was running and tearing about with friends, all boobs and bum and she seemed so out of place, she's not ready for what life has generously ( generous for the lads ) bestowed upon her. She was larking about, kicking up her heels, having fun. I hope she gets through the next couple of years unscathed, she really does seem a lovely sort.
Music? Not something think about to be honest.

Great to see you posting again Gofa.

dither


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## Gofa

It was the chips that made me do it

today i sat with 4 guys, 2 I have never met before, all of which are Maori. 300 years ago i would be considered lunch but this time it was chips

we had been talking for a while about local issues and i drew their attention to the chips.  Nice bowl full.  Nice long cut and cooked well besides

mentioned this forum that i would post later. Describing you Dither was a point of interest. These guys are rural land based and called tribal maori as they all connect through a recognised tribal  marae from birth.  

Not too much description more about your writing and mine here and that there is a universal love of good chips

"I've got a friend in England, his name is Arthur but for valid reasons in posts he call himself Dither."

They all listened and nodded as i described bus shelters, markets and small English villages and chips with vinegar.

Dither. You get around. People on the other side  of the world talk about about. They nod in a kindly way that validates 

that is life calling to life eh.


----------



## Gofa

the post repeated  so i edited to nothing here.  

Odd


----------



## Gofa

Well Dither I be here again ipad in hand looking into the darkness and searching for words.
Been a few weeks and the chip quality on the whole has been good although today sadly was an average pottle.

i have achieved something of interest. I swim Mondays Wednesday and Fridays and wear underwater headphones with nice music to distance me from the crazy people. God save me from standing around in a changing room surrounded by naked old men. Let me reassure all and sundry that when i remove my clothing i too become a naked old man but but but 
i have the edicate to remove my glasses first so as not to notice my surroundings. This act is a thing of deep respect for the feelings of others.

As to the water violence lurks at ever intersection. Why is it D that slow swimmers wait until you have completed your length to then start swimming just then and so meander in front of you. It is my new pet peeve. Im swimming faster just let me turn and then follow at a slower pace. Oh no they watch you approach and then when you upon them start swimming. 

In a flurry of strokes i over take them only for them to wait at the end again for my return a lap later. Its a conspiracy D

thing is i like going. I started for the oh my God in going to die reason which is quite compelling and now i just happy with the exercise. I surfed for 20 years from the 70s to the 90s most days and water is very much my friend. We have had the odd tiff over the years where it tried to kill me more than a few times but being a man of good heart i forgave. 

Big surf is a glorious thing to be in. Big waves do scream "No Prisoners" in the same manner as Lawrence of Arabia. To take on say 20 feet its basically a two story house with you balanced on the apex. These are wahoo moments and not for the faint of heart.

a few years ago i went to hawaii. The north shore. Guys were riding big surf and it looked pretty doable. I started negotiating with myself. Maybe i can. Maybe i should. Its the thing of a life time. Im good in the water. Think of all the experience you have.

there was a helicopter out the back going up and down outside the reefs. I thought it was spotting sharks. A guy half my age was sitting in the grit just along from me on the beach. You cant call coral sand any thing other than grit coarse grit but i digress.

i pointed at the helicopter and asked.  He said one of the championship guys drowned the day before and they were still looking for his body. This was a professional surfer.  The negotiations fell  suddenly silent there after.

i am sure my use by date even if refrigerated is now far passed current but but but. I hear Kenny Rogers Singing "youve got to know when to etc etc ...." And while its never been my theme song its getting a little closer by the day.

one telling thing presnted itself the other week. I started watching Boston Legal many years on. deeny Crane Mas Cow. When i first watch a decade plus ago i identifies with the character Allan Shaw. Now it Denny Crane. Delightful point if view change but rather telling.

mine you age gives you time to find things.

Theres an American burger joint in the other side of town. They have the acknowledged best chips. Send me a email address i will reply with a picture. The chips arent twenty foot tall but they are delightfully large. 

Hope all is well with you. As to writing im up to 20 chapters and 28,000 words. I think i will finish and be able to say Ive written a book. If you dont like science fiction its not your cup of tea but it is mine. Pandora loved it. Ahhhh i cant come here without the ghost of christmas past appearing. Now though just the fondness comes through. 

See you D.  Remember there are people on the other side of the world with a better appreciation of the true chip because of your inputs

cheers Buddy


----------



## dither

Gofa,
What a delightful read.
As far as chip-quality goes, generally speaking, i think they deserve better. WE, the consumers, deserve better. 
They're underrated and they're value as a fast food source? They are  taken very much for granted.The poor-relation.
So many poor chippies just open up and assume that people will buy, and i think, on the whole, people do, buy and accept what they're given.
It's only the regular chip consumers, as with any other commodity i suppose, that make comparisons, and will put themselves out for decent bag o' chips.

I envy you that you're a swimmer. All my life i've been terrified of water. It's such a cheap healthy pastime and could just save you're life.
And surfing, well, apart from my being a non-swimmer, there's not much chance of that here.

Enjoyed the read Gofa,
keep posting.

dither


----------



## Gofa

Hi Dither
i am west of Eastborne in a place 22 hours into the past of where i truly live. Interesting to be in a place with so many foreigners. Its the Mother Country for my wife and the convenience stores are very convenient, i must add. 
I have not tried the chips yet so i will post again later in review.  They call them fries here. Foreigners i am not sure why they do the things they do but if i ask for chips i know i will be seen as odd.
funny they walk on the right.  Me im a walk and step to the left culture. All about the side of the road you drive on. Those instincts still make for interesting confrontations as you mirror another trying to get out of your way. There is the point where you look like you are deliberately stepping into anothers path. You walk and watch the subtle tensions mount as redirection has occurred 20 feet out but OMG we are still on a collision vector. 
If it gets to in my face i will fall to my knees proclaiming God Bless America and holding my arms wide with fingers in a "V" sign say "i am not a crook" 
PS D. They all have accents and talk funny. They stare at me when i talk. Today one person asked if i was English. Oh the insult. I should have said "how about i give you a Liverpool Kiss" but they would most likely just pucker up.
And big. Wow. Super size me. Im 6.3" broad across the shoulders etc but im looking up half my day. Theres some big fellas out this neck of the woods. Im a bit beige so i blend in but still i huddle in the corner of the lift as we travel up to floor 17 of 39.  No eye contact D dint let them see the fear in your eyes. 
Tomorrow i will go looking for Chips and ask for vinegar just have them stare at me funny
be seeing you 
G


----------



## Kevin

I pulled up to the site this morning and there were a pair of full-bearded Sikhs out on the greens 'spanking whitey'. 6:20 in the a.m. and they're out there playing a round. Must be nice. And how is it that I can tell the difference? I mean a turban is a turban, right? For lunch I'm looking at either a Vietnamese sandwich (French bread) or just a $3 cup a coffee, organic. Around here they don't even bother with Buenos dias anymore. So 'last century'.


----------



## dither

Gofa,
it's good, as always, to see a post from you.
Look forward to your thoughts on the local fries.


----------



## Kevin

Tried googling fish 'n' chips  around here. Feel I'm being deprived.


----------



## LeeC

Hope you all do better than I have in NH. For some reason the other day I recalled the crisp greasy fish and chips I had in England in the late '50s. The wife said fine and drove me forty miles to a restaurant that was supposed to have good fish and chips. I found the fish mushy and the chips the same as McDs french fries, all in all rather dissatisfying. I told the wife the next time I have the urge, to ignore me and take me to my favorite Tex-Mex resturant.


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## Kevin

There's a handful of so-called  'Ex-pat' establishments around town. I really don't have any clue how they stand up to what's authentic or good. I like big, crispy, fluffy. My dad said when he was over there on vacation that was all he would eat. He was a smoker, so I don't know how reliable his tastes-buds were. Texture, texture's important.


----------



## dither

I have become very choosy because of a vendor in Barkton and it's not the place i go to on my weekend shopping jaunts. It's a place on the outskirts close to where i get off my bus on the way to work and would you believe it? The shop owners are Orientals. Amazing huh! Just like their chips.
I like them chunky and quite soft.
NO, i'm not saying that the proprietors are chunky and/or soft, just the chips.

dithering


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## Kevin

There s a place not too far... at the end of one of those cul'd'sacs that buts up/dead ends at the boardwalk/sand. It's still cool enough out to keep away the massive mobs. The description says 'divey'. Heh... perfect. That's a code for no airs and inexpensive. The place is called "The Wee Chippy".


----------



## Gofa

Been a while. 
I went to dinner in a flash restaurant Saturday night
i always look around at what others are eating as its a good insight into the menu. The restaurant has won the high rank of best in our city so it was worth a go.  I had ordered sausages and mashed potato because it was gluten free and odd to see on a menu of this class but a must have inspite of the overly flash other stuff written up on the menu.
thing was the lady on the next table was an interesting watch as it was adult first date and lovely to watch the interplay of self consciousness accompanied by thinly valed defensiveness that accompanies a return to dating in middle age. 
Oh yes guilty as charged Im a people watcher and prone to guessing the content of conversations just out of ear shot.
That aside this very attractive women ate a very rare steak while talking to her newbie partner, my guess from the internet. Much shaking of my head accompanied by hard looks from my wife as she tracks my inattention and the interplay of raised eyebrows shakes of head and sighs as i follow the interaction next door.
Without seeming effort this lovely thing made her rare steak disappear to the accompanying internal dialogue added by myself a la Lawrence of Arabia where he screams "No prisoners" but i digress Dither other than to note there are scary people out there. 
The thing was she had a side order of chips with her steak. They looked awesome. I had to have some. I called back the waitress pointed next door and said please add a side order of chips to my dinner. Much consternation followed as all noted that my meal came with mashed potatoes. Oh dealing with the doubters.  I explained the chips were to be coated with the mash potatoes and gravy as any true aficionado would understand.
My upmarket restaurant returned me 7, count them, 7 chips in a bowl. Yes big chunky beautifully cooked chip but still underwhelming in numbers.
Thing is D they were awesome. Almost could not get through the seventh. A lesser man would have wiltered under the pressure, similar to my first date neighbour caught like a rabbit in the head light of his dates attention, but i stood tough.
Bigger is better, more is more. Crunch on the outside delightful texture on the inside. As always in the presence of good chips i am bound to explain you Dither. I describe the existence of fine chippers across the other side of the world to any ears that will listen. Your reputation every expands D. 
We seek the holy grail. It is a lifes work. 
Hope all is well in your world. In mine i seem to be muddling through. Kind of penny a point and no one keeping score.
Dont think we will ever meet D but i have heard rumours of Pandora knowing the best chippie place in heaven. If i dont see you before i will catch up with you there. Ive heard even their vinegar is righteous.
cheers
Gofa


----------



## Kevin

Tried the authentic place for two Fridays now. Fish'n'.... I know it's authentic because I can't understand when they converse. T.v. has 'football' on. I sit by myself and the rest, two or three, drink beer, 11:30 am. Place is a bar, really. 'Sports-bar' I guess. They leave me alone and that's okay. I read the paper, watch the football, eat, and get back to work.


----------



## dither

Are you on a gluten free diet? A Coeliac?
I used to be a Coeliac.

Gofa,
if i'd even so much as suspected that i might one day find a place like this and get to know such splendid human beings i might have lived a better life, but i didn't and it's all water under the bridge now. Heaven isn't gonna happen mate, please give my fondest regards.
I sometimes wonder if i haven't  died and gone the other place already.


----------



## Gofa

Actually. I am allergic to the Wheat protein.  My system is damaged and lets it slip through into my blood effectively becoming a poison 
think food poisoning and all the symptoms

As to heaven I hear you on that one. I like groucho marks who said. "I would never join a club that would be happy to have some one like me as a member" 

Ive had my share of shit sandwiches.  I continue to be optimistic as to another filling soon. 

Still living well is the best revenge even it that just amounts to the pleasure derived from a sausage omelette 

my days high light so far was trying lemon curd on an arrowroot biscuit. Never dine that.  They strike off   Each other quite well.  Its the small things D.  Life is in the details

Kevin.  
Eating chips reading the paper in a sports bar is a manly pursuits and the stuff of legend.  I could structure a number if novels with that beginning 
tell someone in the writing competitions to start their. Be cool to see the inventiveness

Given the wee chippy insider knowledge. You can be the Anthony Bourdain of chips writing here on the quiet


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## dither

Gofa,
that's weird.
I've been thinking about that Groucho quote.

And as for Bourdain, i used to watch a programme of his on tv, very interesting, enjoyed it.


----------



## Gofa

Dear Anthony. Yes a lovely man. 

Suitable amount of grey hair and an unstilted passion for doing that which he loves 

finding something that spins your wheels and doing it a good part of your waking life seems a pretty fair way to live your life 

sadly is seem to be on that other fork in the road frm where i am. 

waving at you Dither 

if you see a map and a compass to a happy place seems only fair you pick it up and use it    

You are not down cast Dither.  You are checking the ground in case that map and compass is at your feet 

cheers 

G


----------



## Kevin

Typical pursuits (listed in order of frequency): 

1. sleep 
.....a. deathlike (no apparent cognizance) 
.....b. dream-state 
.........................1. confused blur or
.........................2. nonsensical 
.........................3. anxiety/nightmarish
.........................4. sexual 
......................................a. good
......................................b. started out good, morphing into 1. nightmarish (Aunt Edna, sister, etc.) or 2. nonsensical (rock, tree, car-bumper)

2. Eating: all good... pretty much; minor annoyances: splat on clothes, unaware of food on face, post-consumption lower intestinal disturbance followed by eruption.

3. reading/viewing: 
...................a. pictures, moving or otherwise;
..............................1. online, 
..............................2. t.v.
...................b. words (hopefully not moving)
...............................1. online story/magazine, newspaper, books, 
...............................2. non-virtual medium (on paper newspaper, books)

4. hiking, biking outdoors 

5. whank. (no explanation here)(...and least time consumptive, age being a factor...)

6. work: in actuality this is number one time-wise and combines/overlaps the others (except 3a-2 (t.v.), #4, and #5 (though I have been accused)


----------



## dither

Gofa said:


> Dear Anthony. Yes a lovely man.
> 
> Suitable amount of grey hair and an unstilted passion for doing that which he loves
> 
> finding something that spins your wheels and doing it a good part of your waking life seems a pretty fair way to live your life
> 
> sadly is seem to be on that other fork in the road frm where i am.
> 
> waving at you Dither
> 
> if you see a map and a compass to a happy place seems only fair you pick it up and use it
> 
> You are not down cast Dither.  You are checking the ground in case that map and compass is at your feet
> 
> cheers
> 
> G



Gofa,
that's a lovely thought. If a person was ever adrift i am/have been all my life.

Waving back at ya.


----------



## Gofa

Been a while Dither and I was just thinking about sime stuff so came for a write about moment or two
When i was young at university a group of guys i hung around with had a hobby that made you smile. It was finding pieces that could be used to build the perfect woman 
We would sit after classes and stare at girls bits and acknowledge pieces worthy of contribution 
Before you damn me with comments of sexism or whatever perhaps a thought or two more
It was not boobs and bums that were soup de jour  ear lobes a nice smile and a bouncy walk quickly become features  You have to cast your net wider as time goes on. It was a polite time without wolf whistles where some guys decided to look for the goodness. It became a standard joke 
Thing is looking for things that make you smile is a great way to spend time. We can all testify to how looking at things that upset you makes you feel all too readily.
There are more options than just gazing into a crowd.
Ever thought of reaching for the creative source in the music you like when you are listening. Imagine the mind of the musician as to how and what he is trying to express musically. The music is a small representation of what is in the heart and soul of the musician. He or she is trying to capture express something ethereal. Pulling magic out of spirit and anchoring it into sound. 
In terms of a favourite book ? To reach behind an authors words and sense the creative expanse the conceptual environment of the authors creativity. To feel the words see the characters through the eyes of the writer.
There are people that go to art galleries and feel good seeing a picture. Same with photography exhibitions. Feeling the creativity, sensing the conceptual environment behind the 3 dimensional reality is available.
What am I rabbiting on about.
Basically reaching out to try and touch God, whomever you feel He or She might be. 
In terms of living your life. It is what it is. Things happen what is done is done
But but but 
How you chose to look at it, is way more important than is ever realised
You can notice things that happen and see the negative influences avoided or that impacted your life. 
What ever you look for you will see. Live this way and fear comes and sits upon your shoulder to talk in your ear.
Alternatively you can notice the times you have been lifted each day. The small things that made you feel good. Silly things that made you smile. Dwell on these things. Notice them give them you attention. However small or inconsequential they are there. Damn the expense. Set out to notice them. See the good things that come upon you. Make an effort to notice  to tick a box 
Me i have car park Angels. I ask for car parks.  I always thank them  are they there?  Oh yes.  But the point is i always feel good when i get a good park. Good or bad i park where i park. But noticing the angels help brings a smile   Seems silly but i feel I am not alone.  Somebody cares. Somebody is helping. 
Years ago i had a business, lots of staff. A disaster (fire) made it very hard to cope. You awoke in the night worrying about how you could fix this how you could get money etc etc etc. 
it was a distressing cycle. One night i was so miserable i just stopped. I could not face the problems any more. Overwhelmed. I started saying "Something good is going to happen tomorrow"
"Something good is going to happen tomorrow"
I said this until i fell asleep again Say maybe an hour.  If i stopped saying this the worries came back.
Thing is next day. I had this lovely expectation that "Something good was going to happen" in response i noticed the good things that occurred things i dismissed over looked etc etc 
I had a lovely day. I noticed so many good things. At the days end i sat in my office and reflected. 
  Nothing majorly good had happened but i was so intent to see if it was i looked for good.  
And i found it again and again
Life is in the details rather than the big things
Looking for things that make you smile is directing your attention.  
Nothing i saw that that was "the good thing". The good thing was me looking.


I hear the odd voice. Oh that would not happen for me


You spend an hour jamming repetitively "tomorrow something good is going to happen" into you head and its not a matter of maybe.  You are going to be looking
On the opposite telling yourself tomorrow something bad is going happen for an hour  pretty much guarantees a shit day. 
I know nobody needs a lesson in how to make themselves feel like crap.  Damn thats easy
If you understand the dark side so readily and accept it as true.  The opposite is just as real if not more than real. 
Look for things that make you smile and count how many times you see them. 
Silly game you say   
Welcome to the real world.  There is good and bad out there in equal measure make a point of noticing the Good. Like the observer in a quantum mechanics equation you are that small piece that makes things real. Your influence creates reality by observing it.
When you do the Car Parking Angels get a little more solid. Have little more substance. God comes closer or is it we just get a little closer to Him or Her


----------



## dither

Gofa,
i envy you.
Great read by the way and yes, it's been a while but well worth the wait.

I'd love to say that i feel uplifted,cheered,encouraged and refreshed, invigorated even, by what you have said. To do your post any sort of justice that is the very least that could say, you talk a lot of sense Gofa, but i can't. I only ever see bad and expect the worst.

Y'know? A young woman at my local one-stop where i go to buy a small bar of chocolate most nights on my way to work, attempted to exchange a little banter with me on Monday evening and i didn't get it. I simply didn't get it. I gave some terse reply, handed her my money, took my bar and left. Only when i boarded my bus did it occur to me that she was merely trying to make light of the situation. Inviting some witty response that maybe we might raise a smile, laugh even.
I feel so bad about that and basically, that's me.

You look for good whereas i not only expect the negative, i take it for granted.

Maybe a person needs to really hit rock-bottom before they adopt your point of view.

Life eh?


----------



## Gofa

You guessed it in your response. I notice these things because i lived the dark side of seeing. Only ever seeing problems and potential failures be they my own or in others. What a shit mental diet. Even my dreams were nightmares. I am not talking it up. Basically you feel cursed. Shit sandwiches and no other filling Dither. How i talked to myself was dreadful. That i hated my own self was evident in any internal conversation. Condemnation the whole nine yards was the response to any small mistake or infraction on my part. 
One day i stopped and actually listened to how i treated myself. I shifted point of view and just thought of how i treated myself as against others. If i was a dog the SPCA would lock me up for how i treated me. From that point i continued to notice. I started to laugh at the shit stuff i told myself. Holy Hell what a prejudiced prick i was when it came to me. 
I like a bit of mischief. Hard to explain but putting a spanner in the works is something of a hobby. So I started telling myself "dont believe that prick you are a lovely man" everytime i noticed me giving mupyself a bollocking for whatever. 
Funny thing was i would laugh throw it off sneer etc but i kept doing it because it amused me 
thing was it did not take long to notice that deep down inside me something would answer. Would feel hope or encouragement. Funny and creepy and odd all at the same time because you firmly believe whoever is down there is long since dead and buried. Hopes dreams stamped upon so many times as to be long gone. 
I decised i was suck of noticing all the shit mistakes i do. I would look for some good work just to give the finger to the piece of me that bitched about stuff all the time. I would set a number say 10. Notice ten things just say a number no remembering. See how far you got up the number line by close of play that day. Funny how you would get to 10 by morning tea. Shit i kept count of the stuff i screwed up. I would parade it in front of me. Why not the other side of the coin
from there i had a new hobby. I enjoyed making the guy inside who berated me squirm by telling myself i was a lovely guy. Shit you did that well buddy. It was like civil inside. I did not stop the habit of berating myself so much as started to feed time and attention into behaving the opposite.
thing is i enjoyed it. Firstly in that it was laughable and secondly i noticed that i thanked myself for the compliments. You want to do strange well this is strange. Thing is you response to what you tell yourself. There is an old axiom. Whatever you hear enough times you believe. 
I started to belief i was not all bad. I started to believe i was not a screw up and a general shit. And Dither i liked that new belief. It made me laugh because i was so sure i was a total shit that it amused me to screw up being negative. 
I screwed up being a screw up.  I still think that is too funny. 
Thing is i treated strangers A whole lot better than i treated myself. I decided to treat me as though i was a friend. What a difference when you use that same standard to yourself.
i have to admit i was an arsehole. Thing is my arseholeness was mostly to me. What a waste of space. 
You are a lovely man Dither you should tell yourself that regularly. The fact that its true does not matter just do it to piss off the guy inside that thinks so poorly of you. Call it pay back. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You are a lovely guy.  Then laugh because. Hearing yourself say that is truly funny   Welcome to the crazy train buddy   Take a window seat the view is out the window. lol


----------



## Gofa

Ode to my Body

I remember you years ago when you were my friend 
We went places, did things enjoyed life
But of late you rarely want to play any more
Now you are content with maybe later. Lets not rush in to this

i long for the those things that were just normal as they should be
now you all too often can embarrass me make me cast my eyes down  hoping not to see
i do my best to help and I am not abusive. Well not too often. 
I try to help i try to do what is right

but mostly you just remind me of past glories by the evidence of their omission
and who are you to me. Who frames my life in such fashion
some body any body no body

none of these.  It is my body that holds me so 
my body with aged failings each day a little less
be kind to your knees you will miss them when they are gone

i miss more than my knees 
i miss the feelings i can no longer remember. 
I cast no shadows any more
My light has grown too dim


----------



## Gofa

Ok Dither its time for walkies

Went with the lovely wife across town to an outlet store to get a bargin or two. Not so much for me sadly as I tend to have everything already. At Christmas and birthdays most people just give me an empty box. Its for putting all the things ive not played with recently in. So as to make room 
While at the mall hunger set in and there was a hole in the wall indian fast foodie with a queue. Mmmmm i said the locals now this is good so worth a try. Thing was Dither i got butter chicken, a vegetable korma and who would have believed a side order of chips. Said to her in doors I will tell Dither about this while experimenting with dipping the chips in the butterchicken sauce. What can i say damn the expense lets live dangerously
As to the chips D, hand cut, irregular shapes and salted with strange o'clock salt. Still you got the feeling that this lovely family gave a damn about food and from my end it was exellent. But but but. They had a side of chips option that was in addition to narn bread baklau or whatever. I am sure by the time you put home made curry infused salt on them they are Indian chips so wahoo.
My point is I suppose you cant be too provincial now in the perfect chip chase. 
I get to spend time in America later this year. A few months at least. But oh dear how sad no chips will i find. Do you mean fries sir. They are from Idaho and we ship 10 million a day. Mmmmm some how i fail to see how the potato's soul survives the process.
Think of it a chip with no soul. A Godless act. How can the perfect chip bring me closer to Heaven if it has no soul.
Will the sacred salt and the holy vinegar still bless the inner carbohydrates. Or are we looking at the dawn of the dead chip. 
Its life Dither but not as we know it.


----------



## bazz cargo

Best meal... A simple recipe. Take a friend or loved one to the sea side. Fish and chips in a bus shelter on a spot overlooking a storm at sea. Gusts of wind driving rain mixed with spray, all with lightning and ripping thunder.

Failing that, pancakes, hot chocolate and WF.

Enjoy.

Come on Dither, what floats your boat?


----------



## Gofa

Sorry to bother Bazz but WF ???


----------



## dither

OOOh Gofa,
There's some amazing stuff there. I don't know where to start. You'd make a great life-coach y'know that?

As for following and applying your methods to my self, the dark one inside is a bit of a shrewdie, he sees right through that stuff, definitely too clever for me anyway.Who sung that song? "The man's too big the man's too strong". And really, i just don't buy that stuff, i'm sorry.
I've heard depressed people ( not suggesting that i am depressed ) say that they can't take being paid a compliments well,,,
being paid a compliment makes my blood boil. My first thought is yeah? Well fuck you, take the piss if you want to. Or sometimes i'll look them in the eye and say "what?"  Meaning what do you want? They'll give that puzzled look and i just walk. Having said that the people who work me know me well enough to leave well along. I've become a prickly old bastard with age, doesn't mean that can't do a days and muck in if push comes to shove.
I try not to think about how i see myself. Who needs it?

Best move along eh?

By the way, i think it's self-fulfilling prophecy, telling yourself something or being told something until you believe it, true or false.

BC,
What floats my boat?
What might float my boat?
I don't know.

Thanks by the way.


----------



## Gofa

Dire Straits the man's too strong 
as to compliments. Was tempted to say some nice here just to make you squirm me being a bit sadistic and all 
but nuh 
oh yes on the dark passenger. I have mine. We nod and coexit with between occasional  attempts on each others life. I never seem to be able to kill him off nor he me but it aint for the lack of trying 
some days you just show him the finger and get on with it.
Maybe i am becoming accomomdating in my old age 

PS. Thanks for tipping the balance and having me return 
its the little things in life that make the difference
oh yes you hate compliments so i will reframe.
Screw you, you interfering bastard. With out your writing i would still be wandering around with Pandora a reason to stay away and not a reason to come here. So its all your fault buddy and i will get even with you . 
Go puzzle look that one 
lets see if that floats you boat.:highly_amused::highly_amused:


----------



## dither

Oh Gofa, i thought about that after i'd put it up.
As far as compliments go i was talking about my everyday life, i hope you know that, and i might have worded that differently.
I didn't mean you.
You guys are different.
This is a different world, a very special world.
And while we're on the subject of floating boats i most certainly wouldn't want to rock any. I hope you know that to.

Happy new year Gofa and all you other wonderful people who tolerate my out-pourings.


----------



## Gofa

I am sorry D but lets face it buddy you are the reason i come here.  Our conversations are a treat to me 

as to who and how you are.  The real you is the guy i communicate with 

hope you took and read my reframe with the same large smile i had when i wrote it.

In my culture we freely insult our friends often in public. Its odd to write it here as it seems stupid but here its proof of depth. If you werent a good friend such comments as we make would start a punch up. 

As an example. A friend of 20 years was sitting with some new business colleges of mine in my home and as i left the room he said. "I dont know about you guys but Ive never liked him. No idea why he keeps inviting me to his house all the time."

Then he kept a straight face and told me later.  Honestly too funny 

we are an odd lot Dither. Hope you factor that in


----------



## dither

Insulting friends in jest, over here we call it banter, and i used to enjoy that. Not much chance of that happening nowadays when you work with people of other nationalities.
Keep smiling Gofa. And keep posting eh?


----------



## Kevin

> people of other nationalities.


 Mmm. Not always.
F.of mine often uses "Hey A...hole" as his  greeting for me on the phone. 1st two words out of his mouth.  Not from here, still got the accent. That greeting torpedos my comeback every time. Just can't help but laugh.


----------



## bazz cargo

I'm very rude to those I love. Okay Gitface?


----------



## Gofa

Mmmm then i bet you say gitface into the mirror most mornings


----------



## Gofa

Been awhile and woohoo here i am D

Abswering another post brungs back a time

years ago D i had a company we had a fire. Arson.  Guy did prison for it but still it turned the company to crap financially.

Thing was you ended up owing way too many too much and answering the phone was always to apologise

i finally hated the phone 

you get sick of this so i used to tell myself the next person on the phone is  my best friend 

Just for the hell of it 

Either way one this lady rings and says she is Margret. Sounded like a friend of mine in voice tone

Hi Margret how are things.  You having a good day etc etc 

Got her laughing and talking about the usual post holiday return to work 

finally she said lets return to business and i agreed

she introduced herself as Margret Fahey

I said hang on Margret I know you.  I know you. Yes. Seen your name. I remember

Wahoo. Your the Commissioner of the Inland Revenue arent you

She replied yes.

I said i bet you only call people if they are very very good or very very bad.

She said that basically sums it up

I said I bet I have not been very very good 


she laughed and said No

too funny

Out of 400 odd destruction orders for companies she test checks mine as a sample

I explained that nope I had not paid any taxes since the fire. Waiting on Insurance and just too damn busy staying alive

Funny how my attitude picking up the phone framed the conversation

Either way it all worked out she ring fenced me from further harsh action and in agreed time i sorted the total crap of the position out 

thing that brings this to mind is a post from a girl going to interviews.

you see what you expect 

So back to the Barbie Pinkie 

She could be your grand daughter D 

beat you dated someone like her when you were twenty 

next time tell to say hi to her Nana for for you for old times sake 

you just never know eh


----------



## dither

Date some like her when i was twenty?
I wouldn't have dared Gofa.
Her nana wouldn't have given me the time of day.
But the pink barbie was such a cutie, exuding nothing but sweetness and light.
She really was the sweet pea in the cabbage patch.
And mott the hoople sing "it's all a game".
How amazing is that?

Great post as always Gofa.


----------



## Gofa

I am writing here because i could not be bothered to start an individual thread on apathy

oh Apathy let me compare thee to a morning with my head still under the covers

i will arise and do great things of dare and doing

i will move from this place of warmth and comfort and 

no i wont.  

My willing horse has become unwilling.  I am not prepared to be flogged an extra mile

if by chance today you come across a horse flogger with said flogging instrument stuck securely up their arse you can inquire, Do you know  Gofa ?

Yes this i can be bothered to do


----------



## dither

I know the feeling well.


----------



## Gofa

To My Friend Dither


----------



## dither

Gofa,
that is just the most brilliant wonderful post.

Thank you.


----------



## Plasticweld

Gofa should be working for Hallmark with his sense of intuition and feeling for his close friends.


----------



## Gofa

A missed vocation i guess PW.  Maybe in the next life


----------



## Gofa

After a time. Actually after a few times, really, i returned. It did not seem as though much time had passed but 5 months speaks for itself.
Came and looked for your posts D. Happy to see them current and you as the dottering old bastard i come here to talk to still alive and well to the best of my sensibilities.
It seems strange to give a damn but sitting here its nice to say i do.  
Where have i been. Mostly asleep. Sickness seems to have had the floor with me and mine trapped in some round robin tournament of oh dear how sad never mind. My contribution to this adventure is a severe allergy to antibiotics so the sit and wait it out strategy is all i have.
How is that working out for you so far i hear you say. Not that good D but it could be worse. This never ending story might resolve itself with a cup of tea and a lie down, one of these days, but so far, so not. 
On a good note 40,000 words in and jammed after Pandora i have started again and it flows. Ideas abound and the fun of writing returns. 
All things in time do pass i guess and if you stay by the river long enough the bodies of your enemies are bound to float by.
On that cheery note D i can but close quoting my favourite line from "The Prisoner" a la Patrick McGoohan. 
Be Seeing You

G


----------



## dither

GOFA!

So good to see you posting man. Sorry to read of your illness. This is weird. Just when i was beginning to wonder how you were and what the hell had happened to you, there you are. This is not the first time that i've found myself thinking of someone i once knew and then have them suddenly appear out of the blue. You HAVE been missed.
Looking forward to more posts from you.


----------



## Gofa

11.15 pm 1st February 
i would like to point out that i now type using just my middle finger with the rest tucked under. I like this level of reverence being implicitly bound into my messages
Where do i find myself upon return. In a strange place.  Mycardiologist  said go forth and sin no more on Monday. adding news of my immanent death were exaggerated. 
I have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from an insurance company for 6 years and thereby extracted an  outrageous fortune from said insurers 
i was told by the loss adjuster it was the biggest settlement sum he had ever processed. What can i say.  I still have unresolved conflict issues with that pack of lying fraudulent bastards  but but but
living well is the best revenge
funny telling of this just kills the creative drive within. You reflect recall reprocess. And ooooooppps back into the mud you flop 
i was in a meeting with 5 Barristers a few months ago,and was asked how things were going.  I said if certain senior insurance executives were found murdered i would consider it a personal affront not to be considered as a suspect.  Lots of seat squirming was inherent in their replies. 
I might stop here the feelings gone D.  I will return and stay away from any mention of that which kills my joy andtell of travel to foreign places and that there are unusual people out there 
more soon nice tobe here


----------



## Gofa

Buckle up D   Time to go walkies
i just described myself in a post using lyrics and decided a read to my wife was in order 
she laughed and agreed but added its all true no ones going to understand 

next post was a 'how was you day' and with finger poised i said 

nuh

Better to go walking with Dither

bit of preamble needed

6 year battle with insurance resolved last December and I took my wife to Hawaii and back to her home in the US to celerbrate

Thing is my best friend of let me see 35 plus years died a day before the flight left

We were gamers. On the net he was world class, me pretty good but also ran when measured again Steve.

trip before this i bought a virtual reality Hive unit just awesome and the computer to run the VR was as it turns out the last machine Steve ever built.

with this as back ground today i commissioned a guy to come to my house Monday to make it all go

Very cool but tinged with sadness as this was what Steve so wanted to do. I gave the VR system all to him and said configure and when your bored I will take it back.  His heart failure made it impossible to do so I just took it back. The end was near we looked at each other, I told him he was my best friend and I would miss him terribly. I also told him i loved him. Might not be that blokey but very true. He was my best friend and I do miss him D.  Tears as I type 
That was the last time i saw him. We talked on the phone a few times. He said it was too hard to live and I agreed. Oxygen D not having enough sucks.

To move to easier rememberances Im looking to live a part of every year in USA and going there over Christmas was a oddity and a treat
i remember standing in Walmart which I called evil-mart and strangely people nodded and agreed and was noticing its size allowed the curvature of the earth to reflect in its roof line, when a lovely lady came up to me and with real concern said
'sir are you lost'   I was broken out of my revelry and replied with great sincerity
'frequently'
the lady just paused lost for words and then stuttered and just walked off
D I felt misunderstood
next and this is no exaggeration 
another assistant seeing me bemused approached
'you still have not found what your looking for'
again  shocked at her knowledge of one of my favourite songs i could only reply
'oh yes U2 one of my favourites'
again stunned pause and she walked off. 
My wife chuckling in the next isle commented to an American couple near her. Dont worry he's foreign. 
Oh am I foreign or what
i was introduced to my wifes family and needless to say exhibited poor impulse control occasionally
my wifes sister, lets say slightly judgmental commented that our choice of home was in the highest gay community in the state.  I replied seamlessly 'it will be fine. Im a lesbian trapped in a mans body. I will fit right in'
again that damned pause, a bit of a stutter, and then a thousand yard stare. 
I thought i was fitting right in D.
Either way we are going back in April and will continue the Dale Carnegie course on how to win friends and influence people.
Have you found, like me, just how full of foreigners overseas is.  Someone should put this in the travel brochures. It's come as a complete shock to me. 
I will continue this but right now its a spa and a cigar and 2 hours of interesting BS. Oh yes and drinking. 
I like balance D.  I drink when i smoke and i smoke when i drink.  Thats why i have two hands 

my ipad misses capitalising i.  Please excuse as i cant be bothered fixing


----------



## Kevin

Highest concentration of certain propensities... More like which concentration: Palm Springs, Laguna Beach, West Hollywood, Belmont Shores...the list goes on and on.

Then there's places in other States, too, like San Francisco. 

No one cares really. Not anymore. That was so along-time-ago. It's like... as relevant as having the town with the most blue wallpaper... You know they actually used to do raids here? Like... call out the paddy-wagon and grab all the gays. Put them on the Tv. 

'Paddy-wagon'(snicker). I'm a 'Paddy', well, paddy-descent. Two Pats in my family. Not like Pat on snl (snicker). Used to call my brother Patty. Yeah, our house was a rough neighborhood. It was the kids, sharp tongues...

Just an aside: You know, they make fun of us up there, in the north... Not fun, but like 'denigrating' us. Often, right to your face. We laugh, or don't even bother because we don't care what they think. "People in San Fransico say this about you..." "Hu- San Francisco, so?- anyway, like I was saying..."


----------



## Gofa

Interesting to sit here with a blank sheet.  My life has changed so much I hardly recognise any of the pieces 
moving to another house and another country for part of year. Six years in stasis now the future streams out like fizzy wine from a shaken bottle.

what will I be when I grow up.  Oh dear. I'm here and then some 

it's more what was I when I grew up as it's in the past.   I was concentrating but still it seems to have slipped by

people helped some saved, children grown, body old    Now it's how to rearrange what bits are still here to make a picture worth looking at

i go to business meetings and gaze out the window   Did a presentation to 20 Accountants on Business valuation   It was boring.  They enjoyed, me, I'm done here.  I'm off the bus.  It's just the echoes of sitting on the seat 

been waiting a long time for this.  At the end of this game I'm starting now is the great adventure. That one scares and entices.  Oh I've peaked through the curtain    This life is the next bus I get off.  That will be a treat
but let me not get ahead of myself. 

Many a flower to sniff from here till them 

SAS. You have a lovely scent by the way 

Dither. Point to some flowers least I miss some


----------



## dither

Enjoyed the update GOFA, condolences for the loss of your friend, I suppose I'm lucky where friends are concerned, I don't have any, like pets, they're too high maintenance. All in all, life seems to be treating you well and that's good to know, you've paid your dues I reckon.


----------



## Gofa

Im your friend Dither im not high maintenance. Play nicely with my friendship or i will hunt you down and sell you piece by piece as red tuna sushie at the eastborne market on weekends. Dither rolls i will call them with extra wasabe
the saying this fiendship is killing me should now have greater meaning 
In the immortal words of Patrick McGooghan in the Prisoner. 
"Be seeing you"


----------



## Gofa

[FONT=&Verdana]Its been a time or two and much water has flowed under the bridge
Time and circumstance returns me to here like the prodigal son Dither[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
Im back and walking returns as something of a must do 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I spoke much of getting off the bus in the past and this is now a done thing,  feels strange but i dont want to play any more[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
My wife wanted to spend time and perhaps live in America and it seemed a good idea at the time but now fully returned to New Zealand it was a cul de sac at best and a strange year
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
In terms of things done while there below is my best oddity
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
Damn there are some strange people out there and too many of them want to talk to me
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
No sleep in 48 hours fresh of the plane, you get the real me   The civilised veneer is thin at best
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
And the events are pretty much as follow
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I’m Sitting in a large Mall in Boston  nice seats  Damn I am tired
A short well dressed Woman in her sixties has just sat down beside me 
She asks the time 
I reply 2.28pm.  Accountants are precise
She counters 
That’s 2.30
I agree  “close enough”
She then says 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I live with a woman
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
WTF you think about this, and then again for a second and/or two times more wow
Is she going to offer me chocolate next ??
Now what ? Screw over thinking this, lets go with a response that is truthful
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I look her in the eye and reply
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
“I live with a woman too”

She looks at me for some time in silence and then nods
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
If i was keeping score i would feel slightly ahead at this point
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
She then says
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
“I got up this morning and the woman I live with had taken a pair of my pants and my coat”
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
Yup its just got a lot more weird

I nodded in sympathy
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I find nodding covers those times of mental paralysis quite smoothly   No one suspects
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I countered
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
“My wife is much smaller than me. I can’t fit any of her cloths.  Even the ones I’d like to wear”
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
She looks at me for a time 
I watch the wheels turn she’s thinking
You are strange   Oh yes that look in her eye 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I nod as I consider this being her thoughts
Behind my eyes I’m thinking 
I might be strange but Honey youre bat shit crazy
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
The continued eye contact is meaningful
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
This could be Alien abduction as time seems frozen 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
But
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
After many seconds passing she finally nods in conclusion and  she gets up 
“I’m leaving now” she says. 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
I just nod at that 
Too old, too tired, 
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]
Ive nothing left to say
[FONT=&Verdana]
 Only in America

that sums it up for me[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]


----------



## sas

Gofa,

How lucky you were to have that wonderfully funny American mall experience. I'd welcome a fruitcake like her rather than the ones who spray us with bullets here. Yep, I'd call that a lucky day. Wish I was sitting nearby, eavesdropping. Great book material, just great! A clever person might work it into a poem . . .hmmm. But, I only write what actually happens to me. Where TF can I find that dingbat?


----------



## dither

Great post Gofa.
I envy you your ability to think on your feet.
In such situations, few that they are, It's only much later when I think of suitable responses. Wishing I'd said whatever.
Life rarely gives you second bite of the cherry.
My head used to be crammed with stored up responses. If such and such ever happens again but it doesn't.
You out-shocked her Gofa, nice one.


----------



## Gofa

Why do I write D.
I lost the flavour of it for a while, funny how it returns 
What is writing to me ? It is looking into the corners of your mind. Rattling some cages and gauging the value of the squinty eyed bastard who looks back out of the mirror of your own words. 
My words written here a few years ago. Got me thinking
Its funny Im interested again. I also understand why it left me.  I forgot that I am writing to me.
Your hangers on became a focus and I forgot myself. I write to explain me to me, or better to give myself expression
To be or not to be ? Ive tried both. Not being, leaves a hole and in writing, I be.  

Grammatically incorrect ? What has grammatical correctness got to do with story telling. 
Plus hobby horse oclock. The english language is a rather handsome woman who has slept with everybody. Condemnation hell no, more is more. 
Thing is there are many english languages many grammars and many good souls that think their way is the only true english.
Back to my cutlery metaphor. You must be forking dreaming. Your way is not the only way you just think that.
Like full stops.   Why bother if the sentence ends mid line, do you need a map and a compass to look down for more words
But i digress    
Actually i additionally digress within digressing.  Dither made me do it
Went and bought fish and chips for tea buddy
Mmmmm the first dozen chips oh yes. Now. Oh dear.
Searching for the perfect chip brings many disappointments but it is a vocation. Some of us have it thrust upon us and it is a cross we just have to bare or is it bear. Meaning to lay something open to sight or to carry or both. Damn the expense I am a both kind of guy.
Am i a victim. I hate that type of thinking. Whenever i get the “why me Lord?” You need to take action
Small anecdote.  A few years ago a business competitor tried to falsely claim my client. It was i thing of great aggravation and lead to a WTF moment with my client. It was quickly settled but in too many meetings peers would apologise for the injustice etc. You poor thing how terrible.
You get sick of it. Paints you in a poor light.
So in a large company meeting again sincere condolences were made and i stopped the person right there.
I said that i agreed that there had been much personal upset but i have risen above and decided to not let it affect my future.
People looked at me sadly. Brave face etc etc
I then added. Ive decided to not let his behaviour influence me continuing to sleep with his wife. Everyone laughed then some looked at me really hard.
But but but.
Nobody ever brought it up again. Nobody ever considered me a victim either
But i meander D
Why do i write ?
I get to know me. No small beer D. Long since grown up, but still a kid. The places I've been the stuff I've done mostly forgotten. Writing some how gives me a window back into the past one finger pushing one character at a time. 
Life in small bytes 
PS D.  I left the last of the chips. After a few Coronas I might have continued but nah I have standards
Its a pleasure to be back walking with you. I have not had a chip in company these many years with out explaining “I have this friend and we are both looking for the perfect chip”. Really D I do
People all over this world leave restaurants asking the same question. Dither ? Was it his accent that made it sound like Dither ?
Their problem buddy the search goes on


----------



## Kevin

Ee-ya...'chips'. I don't know that they're perfect, but I've found two, locally, that are excellent. 

One is George's, an independent, old-school, burger joint in Santa Monica, all-Mexican with a - you guessed it- Greek owner, and the other is Carnival, a Lebanese place in studio city. Both are fat-style ( thick cut; keep you skinny fries, thank you). The food's all great, but the f-ing fries ( as we call them- *_ehp_* 'fries') are to-die for. No, literally, you will die from eating them- either stuffing yourself to death at the table, packing on the pounds from repeated visits, or maybe lining them arteries, hardening them right up from that deep-fry cooking technique; they are highly, and immediately, addictive. But what a way to go...( so good).


----------



## dither

Gofa,
I loved reading that.
I think, and yes we all enjoy receiving compliments for something we have written, but for me, having thought about it , because of reading what you just posted, it's a [ search ? quest ?] a voyage of discovery? Perhaps? Often after  posting something I'll take a step back and take a good look at it, when really, what I'm actually doing, is taking a good look at myself. Maybe? Sometimes? I like what I see and others maybe not.

Self discovery? Yeah, maybe. but then, knowing me, maybe I'm just trying to explain, to others,  why I am  who and/or what I am and at the same time understand, and to some extent forgive myself for not always liking what I see. It can be a rough old ride  Gofa. Sometimes you just have to hang on in there  when life takes you careering towards , and ultimately into, a blind bend and hope.

As for " the perfect chip ", there probably isn't, couldn't possibly BE such a thing. We just have to appreciate the good times. Oh dear, I now find myself taking the very term [ good chips ] as a metaphor and slowly disappearing into a self-inflicted abyss of self-analysis. Damn you for that Gofa. Lol!

The perfect chip can take you by surprise when you least expect it and you just have to savour the moment. There I go again. Metaphor metaphor.

Perfect grammar, for me? By anybody's standards,   Isn't gonna happen. Better not quit the day-job eh? But if I can manage to communicate, strike a chord, cause coax and/or cajole just a few wry smiles through what I post, then that's great. I'll take that.

Good to see you posting Gofa.

It's all good chips mate.

dither...


----------



## Gofa

[FONT=&quot]Im back   Funny how times pass but you never disconnect D

Im a pensioner now my friend 

And i am sitting here writing this because it seems like a got idea
or i just have poor impulse control 

Nice night D [/FONT]
Warm breeze blue sky as yet not dark
[FONT=&quot]I sit in the Lea of Mount Maunganui to me a profoundly spiritual place 

other side of world google it if you must [/FONT]
And a place i will call my other home
This is where i make my stand 
Here is where i turn and face myself 
Am I some emboldened warrior armed for spiritual conflict
Nuh more a scared kid that understands he can run no more
And the person I am running from 
Oh Dear its none other than 
Me 

Next is an extract from a video by Jim Carey
 but i have called them my words
 as like him I need to own these sentences
To get to where you have to
you have had to make a “Me” that survives 
Its so easy to lose my self in building that “Me” 
as in “who is really my self” anyway
At some point when you create yourself this
 “Me” 
to make it 
to achieve 
to succeed
As in later on 
You are going to have to let that creation go
And take a chance on being loved or hated
for who and what you really are

Or you are going to have to kill who you really are
And fall into a grave grasping onto a character
you never really were  just someone your thought you had to be
Read it twice   
If your my age  an “Oh Shit” 
Should have just passed through your soul at this point
“You are going to have to let that creation go”
This is where i am right now 
It hurts now to wear, adopt, cloth myself, in the character i built to survive
Stone walls do not a prison make
Nor iron bars a cell
I am now a prisoner to whom i thought i must be to keep the many many plates spinning in the circus that is/was my life 
Lets us play my favourite game of metaphors
Im a carnivore with tummy troubles
OMG now grass looks really good and when I eat it I feel great
Maybe i was always meant to eat grass  
Who is to say 
Thing is meat sucks now 
Im an efficient hunter and I only kill for food 
Oh what big teeth i have little red riding hood
But there is little taste and even less satisfaction  
This was when i started to notice a few years ago
There was a loss of flavour
If I’m me 
I should be in seventh heaven  
Queen’s song
“I want it all and i want it now”
Oh Dear ive got it 
The answer is not outside of me
Ive always known this 
But shit most of my problems are made worse by what is outside of me 
Nuh
Slaying alligators is just a distraction
You are living in a swamp dip shit
That should be your focus 
But but but
Look I’m awesome 
Alligator Slayer Gee Righteous 
Is what they call me 
[FONT=&quot]I think its on my business card 
but but but[/FONT]
Im pretty sure I don't belong in a swamp sadly 
Pink Floyd yup playing in my head
Good Acoustics too oh by the way D
Every sensitive soul has sadly lived this verse 
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me
Yup been there done that 
There is only me left 
Im sitting here smiling as i write this stuff
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
For those needing explanation  
At some point sensitives figure out not everything they think and feel 
Is to do or originates with them at all    
Thats the point you get off the Crazy Train 
Next verse
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The Dark Side of the Moon 
I am the reflection of all that people have asked me to be
All that was rewarded
All that brought a feeling of emotional embrace and acceptance
All that did not i blighted hid pretended was never there 
Where did all this stuff go   
Where did i send these real pieces of me
The misunderstood pieces
The pieces that scared people
Made them uncomfortable
Made my Mom frown 
I sent them 
To the Dark Side of the Moon 
Always the light side of the moon shone back at all who interacted with me 
And the dark side withered from an absence of nourishing light
Dont be thinking its my evil bits are hidden 
Hell no
Those bits people love  
They call them protection safety 
Improbable success when faced with difficult challenges
Mostly when Im on their side and the cause is Just
Nuh the bits hidden 
A little boy who understood things differently 
So he learned not to speak
Someone who saw beauty in things others told him were silly
So he learned to close his eyes
Someone too soft and sensitive to get anywhere in life
So he learned to wear armour
Momma  i built the wall 
And after many many years 
Getting rid of it  
is an 
Oh Shit 
Really ?
Final lines of the Wall Album
“And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall”
In this case 
it is my heart 
banging against
My Wall

[FONT=&quot]And I am the Mad Bugger who built it
and im the grown up bugger who is now trying to dismantle it
[/FONT]


----------



## dither

Gofa,
oh this is weird.
Great post by the way.
Only yesterday I was thinking, wondering, how you were.
Had you left WF? Had you left this WORLD even? How would we ever know? And that's a shame I  think. The not knowing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
So he learned not to speak
Someone who saw beauty in things others told him were silly
So he learned to close his eyes
Someone too soft and sensitive to get anywhere in life
So he learned to wear armour
Momma i built the wall 
And after many many years 
Getting rid of it 
is an 
Oh Shit 
Really ?
Final lines of the Wall Album
“And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall”
In this case 
it is my heart 
banging against
My Wall.

------------------------------------------------------------------

That which I have C&P'd I can so relate to but if there is still a heart beating inside of me, the wife says that I haven't got a heart, it's doesn't bang against anything.
Yes I built a wall and now I shall see out my days hiding behind it. If there is any railing done it's about the how I've lived my life. So many unfortunates of this world could look at me, the  life that I've had, COULD HAVE, SHOULD HAVE HAD, and think oh you wanker! What is wrong with you?
What's that saying? Should woulda coulda?
But I didn't and so there's no point dwelling on it.
I had every opportunity to make something of myself. But, with all that opportunity, without the courage to reach out, to dare, to try, and sometimes fail, you have nothing. If I'm totally honest with myself, my biggest failing is probably that I never really "wanted" to be/achieve anything beyond having a roof over my head and food in my stomach and I was always willing to do a day's work. I DO regret that.

Life eh?

It's good to have you back Gofa.

PS,
I too am an old man and I don't see me working for much longer. I'd like to see this year out still working but beyond that we shall see.


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## Gofa

I hear you on should a, could a, but if the drive is not there you will be doing it for others and thats a complete waste of time so you get a pass on that from me 
oh yes D the pension commeth  for you too wahoo 
do you get a free bus pass 
half price at the movies 
these things and more to look forward too
funny my wife (second) occasionally asked are you talking with that English guy 
its the chips that does it  you always come up in conversation when there is a nice chip in front of me
down the road from here is a eatery, a restaurant named after my first wife i believe
well it was her that was brought to mind when i first saw the signage
they have chips that are 6 inches long and two inches square
you eat these suckers individually, slowly and one bite at the time 
oh the name of the place D
the Fat Old Cow
nice steak with the chips by the way


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## Guard Dog

Gofa... I think that place might be named after _my_ first wife...

No, wait... then it would be called _The_ Bitch. ( Her words, not mine, I swear. )

( She always said she wasn't _A_ bitch, she was _THE_ bitch. Go figure...)


G.D.


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## dither

Yeah,
I shall certainly make use of that bus-pass Gofa.
Six by 2 chips?
They sound quite a handful.
Different.


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## Gofa

Hi D
been a while   Think i might start writing more and after 10 minutes i found my way back here 
since last we walked things have gone well 
they say living well is the best revenge and in that i am successful 
but but but
old age buddy its no game for the weak or the infirm
ive taken the Accountants measure of the years ahead say 14 to those behind 66    You see no way with this body it makes 80 plus   I have not had one careful owner so best to plan for sooner than later 
thing is what do you do from here
i do not want to go quietly
im tempted to grow old disgracefully but not every day cause funding the energy to be disgraceful everyday is too demanding 
i like sitting in the sun D  silly thing but it brings a real contentment
my Nana from Yorkshire would sit in the sun every day she could on her back porche and i follow her here
i am approaching the age of my Nana now and as was posted else where it would be nuce to talk to an attractive woman and my Nana was attractive   A warm kind round woman   all Nanas must be well rounded oh the joy of that soft hug and “it will be alright chook”  oh dear D how short the time feels since that last hug from her so many decades ago
im going to America next month and i will take you on a walk with me D 
what better way to capture the trip 
my wife and bother in law have banned me from driving in Alabama   My poor impulse control and smart mouth they believe will see me  as road kill first day 
i am looking for a tee shirt saying “Does Not Play Well With Others”  perhaps this can be a warning 
funny how you stick in my mind D  all chips carry with your shadow of relative placement in the ranking of best chip ever
i have no real plan so if there a place in the south you fancy tell me and i will go take a picture for you
last year was new jersey across to Montana then down to Nevada
this time houston texas across to the east coast and up to New Jersey via any place looking interesting 
its a pleasure coming back here to have a conversation in my head with you Dither
a real pleasure 
i still think of Pandora   Funny how she is welded to this place   But now its bitter sweet rather than something that drives me away with sadness 
more soon buddy


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## dither

Y'know?
I think I saw/read something in here somewhere about Gumpy being the forum mum, I could be mistaken of course, and no offence intended Gumpy, but the times I logged in just  have / hoping FOR  interaction with Pandora. I posted stuff in the hope that she'd respond. She always did of course.
Personally, I'm all for growing old quietly and btw retirement is on the horizon for me , not long now I'm afraid. The scrap-heap beckons. I was never any kind of a hell-raiser by any stretch of the imagination but now? Yes we all have fanciful thoughts occasionally but nah, pipe 'n' slippers for me mate.
Gofa, it's such a pleasure to see a post from you and so glad that you seem to be in pretty good order in spite of old father time. It's all in the mind huh!:wink: Try telling my knees that.:hurt:

It's funny , even now, and yesterday while out shopping, I suddenly became acutely aware of how,  I find myself looking at things I must have seen, or maybe NOT  " actually...seen" a thousand times or more, feeling like a tourist.
I see things,think thoughts, and think of this place, but  struggle to find the  words. Does anybody really want know anyway? I wonder.And yet... I love reading about other peoples' meanderings. 
Life eh?

Stay in touch Gofa, live long, live well, and raise a little hell, but not too much eh? And when you do, raise some for quiet boring old D.


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## Gofa

I've taken to getting up and sitting on the veranda in the morning sun and writing now I'm a pensioner and summer is approaching 
Enjoying my old age is my new goal as shit i never thought i would reach this far into life 
Poor impulse control has ever been a factor like a reverse lottery forever  taking tickets in my own demise. So far though plus or minus some broken pieces i do regret i have faired pretty well
Its funny most of us give or take can do anything we like but all to often don’t.  
Funny but some how those invisible fences steal away options even it it just “I better not eat that its bad for me”
Im wheat allergic which is just a grim fact and the consequences are basically my body responding as if i have food poisoning.
Everything goes south and the concept of no rush is utterly lost on my insides. This said there are foods that i love
Foremost an apricot danish, damn i miss them 
A while ago i was in one of my screw it whats the worst that can happen moods and decided to think outside the square
Its about the rules and whether or not they can be circumvented 
I bought a danish and a can of Coke at a stall in a market.
My wife was suitably unimpressed “are you going to eat that” but i asked that she bear with me as all will revealed
Across the road from the fair was a grass verge on to a river replete with ducks.
I went there sat on the river bank and having opened my can of coke took a large bite of the apricot danish 
The trick was to enjoy the taste the chewing and up until but to not include swallowing.
At chewings end i had a bulimic moment and spat the mouthful into the river then rinsed my mouth with coke and that too was promptly delivered into the river
I would point out to those that see this as wasteful that you are misinformed   The ducks loved my freshly chewed apricot danish and waited around for seconds. They were not disappointed
My point i guess is half a loaf is better than none and sometimes it easy to miss that half a loaf is still on the table whereas the whole is not
When i was young every year the things that i could do grew. Now sadly its is becoming apparent that ever year the things i no longer can do are growing 
That realisation is disheartening and depressing but but but   It is less true than first thought
I like martial arts and through practice and teaching  have realised that softness overcomes strength. In truth it does 
That said softness with poor technique takes a real beating every time but the truth is still in there 
Back to my apricot danish now. I cant eat them without a real price. But i can get so damn close and enjoy all of the fun stuff that i cant see it as a limitation. It is feeling the limitations close in upon me that now gauls but maybe its time to reevaluate how much of what i want is still on the table   The glass is half full   Yes but screw im not here for just half 80/20 or go home 
The saying 80/20 is about 80% of the enjoyment / benefits etc etc  being in the first 20% of whatever 
Finally lets put this in perspective by way of the old bull and the young bull   Lets run down the hill and shag half those cows the young bull says   No lets walk down there and shag them all answers the old bull and this is the story’s end
Now as an older bull  i would encourage the young bull to race down there hot and bothered and shag half the cows.  Me i will walk down and the other half of the cows will be so much more appreciative of my efforts because they surely thought they had missed being chosen. 
In our youth we were told walk before you can run. Now its more dont run if you can walk which some times has an upside


Life D its a two way street it comes and goes


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## dither

Gofa, that's interesting. I was once diagnosed a coeliac. Wheat intolerant. It turned out that I'm intolerant to regular wheat-based bread only. I DO miss it though.


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## Gofa

All I have is words 


Ive talked before about a broken heart   Ive talked about loss 
We all deal with this as in to each life a little rain must fall 


But but but 


Im trying to understand, trying to see the picture of my self, so many pieces and so many points of view.
I think pensioners do this  oh dear D  reflections   Lets avoid shiny surfaces 
So many thoughts and feelings of others to sift and weed away then leaving gaps and inconsistencies 


And here I sit brow furrowed trying to see sense through the lines on this page


One central point is that I see alot. Yet I only have words and all too often words cant encompass what I’ve seen what I’ve done and what i know 


Often my response is to forget   It stops the mental indigestion that lump in your stomach, that is unprocessed upset, or some other understanding that just got buggered by circumstance 


A gun man came and murdered 50 people 5 miles from where I live  we don’t do guns in my country  but he did 


Where to from that statement. My close friend took his life recently and I don’t know why. I knew him for 12 years and almost daily for the last year as i guided him in fixing an investment problem and all was well    Maybe not huh  


I sit here saying I know stuff   I can see    Well brother I did not see that 
Nor is that some small omission 


I don’t know how I couldn’t have done more but oh how I wish I had and yet when concentrated upon Im just left shaking my head 


Forgiveness   Yes it is within me   As there but for the grace of God goes I     


All too easy to be in the wrong place wrong time thinking the wrong outcome 


Now for the difficult bit


I never told my friend this   I never considered it relevant     
Im a fixer   I make problems go away business financial personal whatever
Why do I always extend a hand ? 
When I was young I debated suicide often I screamed at God and said 
“I will never leave another the way you have abandoned me here and now” 
Mmmmmmm
The short sightedness of youth but still it was heart felt at the time
I often resolved my 2am debates so many years ago with 
Yes Yes Yes i will end it all
But But But 
I choose to do it at noon tomorrow 
The voices encouraging me fell silent as yes I was on my way 
But But But 
Its always different the next day


You have seen me write


Don’t worry about it will be fine in the morning 


Now you know a little more 


My friend had I told him this   Perhaps just perhaps this seed would have taken root and sidelined his 2am decision as that is when the coroner said he ended his life 


One of the virtues of places like here, is telling our stories, that others might learn and avoid the too painful pieces of another’s life lessons


So I speak


With my brain chemistry and DNA, like an albino, I have things i need to be careful around


Albinos need to take care around strong sunlight. Me ? 


We live in a soup of thoughts and emotions  most cant perceive but some of us are inundated and easily impressed


Simple answers to complex questions   In my darkest times I have stood in a shower   How long you say    Till the hot water ran out 


The Lord’s Prayer when all has turned to crap   Curl up in a ball pull the covers over your head and just repeat repeat repeat till sleep claims your tired mind   


This is my last ditch defence against all that is dark and unholy 


Not as some fearless warrior nuh


Small kid hanging on till the morning light   Oh dear how many times i did that when I was young 


Ive not told my friends, here where I live, these pieces of my history


But here in this forum now it seems a penance


Im not looking to start a discussion 


As I said that the start all I have is words 


And sometimes they have power but there is no power if they stay unspoken 


They say we don’t regret so much what we have done rather its the things we have not done that brings the most regret.


I am no guru   I am just another soul trying to make sense of my own life’s mysteries and carry the scars prove too many poor choices


And to close 


“Living well is the best revenge” upon unhappy circumstances and tough lessons learnt 


Seeing happiness, goodness, that is all around   Deliberately


Because trust me on this 


What ever you look for, you will see 


Count the smiles in the grocery aisle, feel the sunshine, catch some drops in your mouth as you walk in the rain


Life is now and now comes always with choice and it is those little choices that add up and make all the difference


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## dither

Gofa,
it's been a pleasure, as always to read your post. As for how we may or may not lived, things done or not done, I try not to go there, yes I have days filled with regrets and remorse, I have flashbacks, don't we all I suppose.

As for your friend taking his own life, I have a theory about that, not your friend, suicide of course. I think that for some it's just in there ticking away, waiting a the time and a place, a suicide gene perhaps. I truly believe that if, on my happiest day ever, if there could be such a thing, if I suddenly found myself on top of a high building or in the vicinity of high cliff-tops, like a moth to flame, a voice, something inside me, I'm sure,   might compel me to jump. I'd love to visit EastBourne but I don't know if I dare.

Life, or rather the living of it, really doesn't interest me but I'm a wimp. Tired of living and scared of dying. Welcome to my hell. Best not to dwell on it huh!

Smiles in grocery aisles? Smiles ANYWHERE, don't register with me, and sometimes, I think,  that's a shame, but there it is. Often, when I'm out and about, there is so much to see, the sights and sounds of everyday life, and yet, I see nothing.

I DO think that now would be a good time to die actually. As I said in another thread, " I've climbed that hill ". The best, if there ever was " a best ", is behind me and the only way is down. I am in pretty good nick right now, touching wood as I type, but how long can that last? I wonder. We shall see I suppose.

And, should anybody who read my last blog  read this:
Regarding the subject of extending a hand, an offer of help to a stranger in need, I simply don't/wouldn't feel worthy of their accepting my help. That, I'm sure, unless you've been there, will be totally beyond your comprehension.

Life eh?


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## Plasticweld

It is amazing how many of life's complex problems have simple solutions.  Often we pretend to be complex as an effort to seem more intellectual than we really are. The things that hurt, the things that make us feel good, are always simple.  Gofa, thanks for an honest and simple story about who you are


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## Gofa

Dither time for a bit more of a walk 


Let me tell of trees and ships and other things that rain down upon us from on high 
The good old days when leeches would pull out the evil from within and a little blood letting was good for you. When some doctor felt righteous in the eyes of God because first he had done no wrong  


The ignorant’s lament  You must trust these wise men as they have only your interests at heart but lets add in their professional liability and performance initiatives for the pharmaceutical supply rewards. Im not bagging the whole profession rather pointing out let the buyer beware


I bring you scary news there are good doctors and bad doctors. I found out a short while ago my last doctor has sat in the same room cubicle for 21 years. You must understand the inference of a significant personality disfunction being required to achieve this. Their mind by association must be as blinkered as the physical setting they clutch on to as stability. In this case i also noted over a good period of time same  clothing being worn   Yes exactly the same. Life is in the details. 
Its funny as a play but disturbing in equal measure. As we age these dear souls will have an ever greater say in our quality of life up to and including ending our very life itself. Oh oh dear. Rather than James Bond 007    But the licence to kill very much applies.
Referred by my insistence to a specialist i am categorically advised the drugs as prescribed of 4 years are not treating my symptoms at all   Lets then do the math 
Drugs given aren’t treating. Current symptoms are in normal range. Therefore i per se don’t have a problem. Its just pretty dangerous to withdraw from said drugs but the side effects are staggering  they are what has drawn me to seeking medical help.
Stop equals no side effects   Okay  so just tip toe out of this place 
NNT   New acronym   Number Needed to Treat 
The scary question to ask any Doctor. Where do i know this from   A Doctor giving a Ted talk 
My drugs as given  NNT was 38
The side effects 15% from trials 
Again welcome to the math        
Said drug requires a statistical of population  38 people taking it in any given year to  guarantee 1 positive outcome  so 37 are just shooting blanks 
Where 15% of users will suffer significant side effects 
That roughly 6 people 
One winner at a minimum 5 losers 
Lets shift industries 
Simply first 
Automobile industry 
1 in every 38 cars works as per expectation
6 of every 38 inherently lower the quality of life of their owners 
And some how this is going to make Ford or Toyota industry giants 
First do no harm
Oh oh dear  
For me and mine just the fear of taking a step how ever based in good sense that has consequences that are not small 
I have taken 4 months and everything is the same except none of the side effects plague me now and some of them were critical 
I had bad sleep apnoea 
Specialist said basically expect a short life after showing me a graph 
My meds drove the sleep apnoea 
Im not advocating anything more that its your own body and you know it best. Adding research an inquiring mind and discussion  you can step out of blindly following 
So I'm advocating have a look for your self 
When i was on the bus my clients were my primary focus. Their financial and personal wealth and health was my day job
I am now my main client
Dither old friend   If you were one of the machines on the floor where you work those many years. Would allow said machine to rust lay idle etc etc
Machines need to operate find something to do. The mechanic inside you knows the simple truth here   Use it or lose it 
Go walking and tell me about it


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## dither

GOFA,

I always enjoy reading what you post in here. I envy you your tone, your use of words and your ability to paint such vivid pictures with them, sorry about the subject matter.

When I first found WF I was so "switched on". Every time I made the small journeys into neighbouring towns they always seemed fresh and new, as though I'd never been there before, I saw heard felt so much and everything seemed so vivid. A discarded cigarette packet a coke-can would shout hi! how yer doin?, I used to love the sight of the rain-soaked pavements and tarmac roads all shiny and new as though God himself had seen fit to scrub them clean. A small bird taking a bath in a puddle of rain water. A stolen glance between to strangers on a bus. 

But some how, somewhere, a switch got thrown and the  light, if not totally extinguished, has definitely dimmed. So much to see hear and feel and yet , nowadays, I see hear and feel so little.

Age? Simply a state of mind? Now I invite YOU to go figure. The real problem is, if you would call it that, is that I don't mind.

Y'know? I found myself thinking just the other day. My generation, born in the fifties, really have had the best life possible. So many fatal diseases have been eradicated in my lifetime. Technology. Transport. We have been given so much, and, if we're really lucky, we might just leave this life in time to so as not to experience earth itself going down the toilet as I feel it most surely will. We, as a race, a species, simply don't care. Lemmings charging full tilt to the cliff edge I think.

And now I've run out of things to say.

dither...


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## Gofa

Age? Simply a state of mind? Now I invite YOU to go figure. The real problem is, if you would call it that, is that I don't.

there is a long version and a short version   We are both too old to sit through the long version 
so here
use it or lose it
your body your mind
in our ageing the chemicals come for us you walked 8 hours a day  you called it work 
you body processed much through that activity 
you think its your mind nuh
your body and brain chemistry 
walk buddy 
blow away the cob webs 
adrenaline is you mistress  go flirt with her  invite her in
do one thing a day that scares you 
reading above you have it all 
arise Sir Knight 
there is a quest i would ask of you 
and I pretend not 
the pen is mightier than the sword 
and as we have two hands i like to carry both
bring a sword to a knife fight and then write about 

“i don't” is the dragon i point out to you Sir Knight 
slay that beast and be alive 

Eastbourne is where the Holy Grail awaits 
dont go quietly into the night 

you are now involved in a holy war 
a quest for life itself 

write that others may know of your struggles and come to believe
that yes the Holy Grail is in Eastbourne

and be aware you are not alone in your quest Sir Knight
as on the other side of the world a Mage of the Taniwha Clan 
works magiks to aid you in your quest 

buy a pair of Nike runners
they are formed from the spirit of 
Just Do It   So the Ad men tell me 
and these sacred shoes will forever guide your feet
Toward Eastbourne
and next the Sacred Chips 
its been too long   You must restore yourself with them 
remember God put chips upon this earth 
to fortify us when undertaking Quests 
and finally the Sacred Cider tastes best when drunk planning the next step in your quest


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## dither

There is a chip-shop set to open in our town, like we needed OTHER fast-food outlet here. And it's next door to a funeral-parlour. How undesirable is that? You sit planning the funeral of a loved one with the smells of salt & vinegar, and fish 'n' chips, filling your nostrils. These people can't be choosy I suppose, you have to take shop-space wherever you find it, and actually, having the Co-op right next door, maybe these fish & chip vendors thought, might not be bad for business. Still not nice I think. Finally, on a humorous note, the sign above the yet to open shop reads " Siddall's fish and chips " so even now, before the commence trading, you can imagine how people are going to refer to that one. 

I'm looking forward to giving Sid's chips  a run-out.

We shall see.


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## Gofa

Chips   Honest D it life and death situated side by side
I have to admit that smokey flavour could tend to choke but a bit more vinegar should drown it out 

as for me its Trash day   I need to gird my loins, summon up my aspect and wield my attribute and go down to the basement

Take out the trash  easy Eh   Nuh


Yea though I enter the valley of the elevator of death
I will fear no evil
For my antibacterial wet wipes are by my side
Surely goodness and mercy will follow all the steps
To the apartments trash room
And i will return to once again dwell healthy in my apartment 


You think I’m joking   Yeah kind of 
But i do remember going up Bear Tooth Pass at 11,000 feet
Sucking air and struggling at 15 mph to negotiate u-turns every
30 seconds because of it requiring huge concentration to turn accurately
And then I noticed I was whistling Amazing Grace without consciously starting


It might not be all of me, but the better part, knows which side my bread is buttered on 
Restated when there’s a gun at my head the things that are important 
do tend to rise to the surface

when I return D will give an update of how my hero’s quest turned out
  Us being writers and all


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## dither

Gofa said:


> Chips   Honest D it life and death situated side by side
> I have to admit that smokey flavour could tend to choke but a bit more vinegar should drown it out
> 
> as for me its Trash day   I need to gird my loins, summon up my aspect and wield my attribute and go down to the basement
> 
> Take out the trash  easy Eh   Nuh
> 
> 
> Yea though I enter the valley of the elevator of death
> I will fear no evil
> For my antibacterial wet wipes are by my side
> Surely goodness and mercy will follow all the steps
> To the apartments trash room
> And i will return to once again dwell healthy in my apartment
> 
> 
> You think I’m joking   Yeah kind of
> But i do remember going up Bear Tooth Pass at 11,000 feet
> Sucking air and struggling at 15 mph to negotiate u-turns every
> 30 seconds because of it requiring huge concentration to turn accurately
> And then I noticed I was whistling Amazing Grace without consciously starting
> 
> 
> It might not be all of me, but the better part, knows which side my bread is buttered on
> Restated when there’s a gun at my head the things that are important
> do tend to rise to the surface
> 
> when I return D will give an update of how my hero’s quest turned out.




:|


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## Gofa

Hi D

Face Book reminded me that some eight months ago i was in New Orleans and i guess i feel a little remiss in not taking you along so damn the expense lets catch up  

I have been reluctant to talk of some of this stuff because not everyone gets the chance but hiding this under a bushel seems silly

By way of introduction there was a natural disaster here in my country in which we lost our house and the multinational insurers were arseholes making you fight to be reinstated. My day job has given me skills kind of like Liam Nesson in “Taken” but more corporate orientated. Six years fighting we arrived at a huge settlement. I have set a course these last few years to spend their money doing stuff i dreamed of when i was a little kid. As i say often living well is the best revenge. 

In terms of context a few years ago sitting in a group of six high court barristers (lawyers) as part of my day job I was asked how goes my insurance dispute. I explained saying, if any insurance senior executive is found murdered, I would take it as a personal affront not to be considered a suspect. Oh dear they squirmed. You see half were counsel for the insurance company. Too funny, their eye contact became jittery as they clutched at their stainless steel condoms hoping if they got to screw me they at least would get their dicks back.These real warriors went hunting with a can opener and a microwave facing a club and skinning knife, that disparity did wither there nether regions 

My wife is American and of Cherokee descent which i find cool and she of Boston heritage tends to hide under the carpet. After the insurance settlement we tried to live in USA to escape the bad memories here and to put my wife in her own world. Lasted a year or so but finally she liked it back here not there so sell up and ship home that which you would keep. 

One thing i could not part with was my convertible black Ford Mustang. I left it in my brother in law’s garage. In the last two years I have flown to US got in my car a driven around America. About 30,000 miles in two trips. Shipping the car either back from my point of departure or to the my point of arrival.

So let me begin my trip down memory lane. I did not have a travel plan so much as drove often with the hood down so I could work on my tan. First trip was New Jersey to Montana and then down to Nevada. Second Texas across to eastern sea board and back to New Jersey. Pick a town city somewhere that looks nice figure out how long to get there get up in the morning and drive.

Firstly let me explain some of the basics of which the biggest is time. A nice early morning start of 9 am local is actually 1am in terms of jet lag or where by internal body clock is. You get up clear the hotel by 10 or 11 am and it’s now 3 am and you need to start with a large cup of coffee followed by Coca Cola for more sugar and caffeine each hour thereafter. Having driven for 3 hours you feel your body awaken as it 6 am and breakfast becomes an option. America for all its sins is the world capital of breakfast and everything I mean everything has extra bacon and double cheese. I am not complaining. 

Second aspect I am driving on the wrong side of the road. Us civilized nations drive on the left but lets just mirror image it all and go with right. When you leave a carpark you instinctively look right and holy crap the cars scream by from your left. So you learn to look twice both ways and time is your friend. No rush there will be a bigger gap soon if this one looks small.

From here I will let it get a bit personal as places don’t do it for me it people and circumstance. As and aside before my second trip my wife and brother in law made me actually swear / promise I would not get out of the car in Alabama as I would surely die from poor impulse control. You will appreciate their fears as you read on

So my trip as captured by events

*Improper Ordering *
Americans can be loud and sitting at a bar in a Charleston hotel the South Western “MRI” sales conference of alpha male consultants swept into my area of quiet. One guy continued to espouse his great sales year telling all and sundry to put everything on his credit card because ……..
Finally enough and I called the bar manager over and asked for an understanding of specialty drinks. A nice lady eager to please with the expensive cocktails
I asked “Do you have a cocktail called “4 Hookers”. 
“I am so sorry sir but no” she replied
“What about a specialty drink called “Half a pound of Cocaine”
“Why no” she answered looked less that happy at losing a sale
I pointed to the guy with the credit card and she nodded and I then said
“Shame as I would like to have put four hookers and half pound of cocaine on that guys credit card just knowing that the post sales conference expenses review could well lead to a dark place”
She laughed for some time and I resumed my meal having taken out noise cancelling earpods and started listening to music.

*Oddest Conversation*
You get a little punchy later in the day such that  internal filtering of response sometimes fails
I am Mall somewhere’s east of Texas a nicely dressed woman of my advanced pensioner years came and sat beside me initiating conversation by asking the time. I checked my iphone and answered 9.30. Her reply its 9.28. Okay my internal response why ask ?
Then she stated “I live with a woman”
An unusual opener and it engages the brain
My reply was “I live with a woman too” and held significantly long eye contact. 
She nodded several times, having obviously to me, accepted this important fact as something we have in common and continued to speak
“This morning when I awoke, the woman I live with had taken and worn my pants and shirt.”
I nodded for some time. You are just wrong footed here but maintain eye contact while answering
“When I got up this morning I looked at the clothes of the woman I live with and they are nice but she is much smaller than me so they don’t fit me well.”
You just watch her internal processing, jam, stutter, restart, only to jam again all the while I in a haze of jet lagged tiredness I calmly stare into the grey eyes of her crazy.
Finally she nods breaking the spell of eye contact and says
“I have got to go now” and promptly gets up and walks away
I just nodded and recognized you cant out crazy me when I am bone tired and don’t give a Sh……

I will leave it here for now as a recollection and bring more soon. 
Kind of nice to think back on stuff like this D


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## Gofa

*In New Orleans you know you are a foreigner when *

I stayed in the French Quarter of New Orleans which I was told was a nice place. Not Past midnight D. and after dark some places out side the quarter it’s a bit rough
There was a NFL Foot ball match on one night and I caught a taxi to the park some 5 minutes ride from my hotel. Wandered around looking at the biggest stadium I’ve ever seen. 75,000 souls fit into this sucker and it aint a big one
I paid $196 for a ticket on my iphone, down loaded the APP that registered me and put the phone to the ticket admission thingy after standing in line for some time and behold I was allowed entry. 
I left after the first quarter with noise fatigue. Seventy thousand screaming fans each with a different death threat to the referee that called a penalty against their team. Nice soccer Mom sitting beside me talking about her son being in the college band supporting the program with demur down home pride, would turn in to this screaming Banshee with the You F…. C…. B…. I’LL Cut your B….  just jaw dropping. Then reseat and go back to quiet conversation on Soccer Mom topics
So I got up and left after the first quarter, you can only put up with such a good thing like this for so long
PS I got a Alligator Hot Dog Sausage on the way out. Do you reckon that would be a tough thing to chew ?  Oh yes it was bite chew spit and throw what I call the New Orleans Four Step

So the point of my story was the leaving. Us foreigners are prepared to ask authority figures directions just in case a lovely African American Police officer was outside the Stadium. I’m 6’3’’ broad and big. But but but in truth I am unsure if I could have got my arms around this lady’s shoulders and no way my hand would touch behind it I got a hug. With this in mind I asked her if as a stranger it was safe to walk back to my hotel some 20 minutes on foot away.
She looked me up and down slowly and said “Big guy like you (funny infront of her I was not feeling it) one in four chances you get back safe. Take a taxi sir save us the paper work”
Oh shit you internalize
So get a taxi and just checking ask again retelling the advice given
Nice guy nods “No my guess is, it’s a 50 50 chance, you make it back okay” He himself was quitting early before it got too rough. He spoke of the French quarter as good as tourist spot but you leave it and there are a lot of angry people still yes still getting over hurricane Katrina this many years later.
A bullet dodged eh D 

*Longest meal*

In a Vegas casino there was this worlds best smorgasbord and the less than modest price reflected it. And the hour queue at times to get in
Wait till your hungry and mid afternoon was the no queue zone
Take a book and what else have I got to do while resting up between driving stints
I was there four hours and as a gluten and wheat free special needs soul I had Amanda a special service agent show me around the half acre of food and tell me all that I could eat. As it turned out over 40 dishes

That worked out to be about 10 per hour. No rush and it you don’t like it leave it on the table next door and go get another. I worked my way through 4 or 5 rotations of other dinners and I slowly ate the value paid for in food. But really it was just the huge explore, if I could eat it I did and some was regional dishes and strange stuff. Did I have room for desert Oh yes I am no quitter D

*Mile plus high club and its not what you think*

Between Montana and Wyoming there are two famous scenic drives. Chief Joseph Highway and Beartooth Pass. These are highways as in long sweeping pieces of tarseal that top out at 11,000 feet above sea level . I like most of humanity live at sea level and sucking thin air at 11,000 feet makes Jack a dull boy. You dumb down as you run low on oxygen and it all gets scary and you are just dragging in lung fulls of air like you are running and just seated.
On one steep climbing point the speed limit was just 15mph.  Girlie I chided, real men don’t go 15 mph on a simple open road. Well after a few minutes I was. The two lane road does not have a catch rail on the right hand side just a rumble strip that is less that a metre from yes a straight mile cliffs edge drop. The snow is so thick in winter I was told they just grade over the edge so no fence can be there. 
Towards the top on the ascent side I notice I was whistling Amazing Grace.  Oh yes I know to reach out for help when you feel a gun at your head. Honestly I started giggling in response to noticing a Divine petition. From brave fearless explorer to oh God hold my hand in about 15 miles of winding road going up 5,000 vertical feet and that being added from how high you started from 
15 mph on reflection I was doing 10mph by the end of it and no one was hauling up behind me cause I was going slow

This time I will stop  Thanks for the excuse to remember this stuff D


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## dither

"Kind of nice to think back on stuff like this D."

Kind of nice to READ stuff like that Gofa, it's been a long time, too long.
I love reading your travel notes, boy do I envy you your experiences, and I like how you see things. Trouble is, the interesting people of this world invariably have, at some points in their lives, so much shit to deal with. Maybe it all evens out eventually, ( I wish I'd dared. Too late for that now. ) and maybe, the good out-weighs the bad, I hope so Gofa.

I didn't know you were  a " gluten-free" person. More likely you said and I just forgot. Life eh?


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## Gofa

Two minutes D 
learnt something yesterday that has stuck and will become a guiding light from here
i will frame it for writing 
its all about expectations and building them in such a way that you inheritantly Set your self up for failure
i will for an hour or or i will 
two  minutes
i will undertake to write creatively for two minutes each day
exercise for 2 minutes each day
I stay with writing
2 minutes a day
if you cant creatively write for just two minutes a day the lets face it you are no writer
maybe i will go longer but im happy building a habit on two minutes 
yeah D I can do this
not waiting for inspiration just throw two minutes at it and lets see what may come
i can spare two minutes 
Sure I'm gaming myself but I am not allowing for push back  from good old negative inner me 

i will keep you posted on how the two minute habit builds in a sneaky way those things I would like to achieve within me


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## dither

Looking forward to the updates Gofa, good luck.


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## Gofa

Two minutes on America 
Blue Ridge Mountain Parkway
you google things to do and this turn up close and doable So i changed direction and did this 

i have a convertible, it was close to autumn so i wore a jacket and dropped the lid
45 milies an hour  you set the auto speed thingy and just watch 400 miles go by of
the nicest scenery ive looked at in a while
top down you see a lot 
when ever i came up upon a slow driver i pulled over let them get ahead and looking at another's rear bumper was not the game for this day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrE8UOSwvbk

after you have watched this D you will have as much of a memory as I do
just a few minutes no need to go the whole video i found but looking its the place true dnough 

D I drove here singing John Denver songs for the better part of a day
as take me home country road is this stretch of highway 

Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze


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## dither

Ahem!!!

"Just watch 400 miles of the nicest scenery that I've looked at in a while go by", I think, would prefer.

Now come on Gofa, concentrate. :roll:


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## Gofa

You need to google New Zealand Scenery
but my driving the blue ridge mountain parkway was pretty good by New Zealand Standards and it was about 400 miles 
not the video i showed but close enough


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## Gofa

Been a while D
lets not rush into things 
Us pensioners need to space stuff out so one corner of the day does not get too cramped and another too desolate
eeeewww that sounds all a bit sad 
its a funny old thing having been defined by what you do for so long that once its gone from the table you are more a rooster that used ta
although recently ive been invoking my old day job skills and its a pleasure to see that they haven’t rusted up
i wish i could write here that i understood the meaning of life having lived now long enough that my younger self thought for sure i would understand now 
but nuh 
thinking about that is like herding cats 
i love the idea that i have still got it  
the problem immediately there after is 
shit do i remember where i left it last
cause if its like my keys all too often i dont have a clue

i still encourage my self with 
“it will be all find in the morning”
but in truth sometimes it takes till afternoon to work the kinks out of my knees
to all those youthful readers 
look after your knees you are going to miss them when you get old
and to you further a warning that sadly i never received
becareful riding a motorised skate board very very quickly on tar seal in your Sixties
its dangerous and it you fall off many of the things you will like to use later get broken 
ever heard this   
nope  me either 
see no one told me 
they put government health warnings on a packet of cigarettes and use by dates on stuff in the fridge
but a simple skull and cross bones if over 60 years old could well have prevented this

mind you as i have explained to my wife while travelling up a one way street against the traffic
I look upon those One Way signs as being just a suggestion
but let us turn to things of less consequence

or not as case maybe

just had breakfast delivered to the front porch and to be eaten while looking  and commenting on all and sundry whom walk by
i remember you D writing local social commentary pieces about curtain peekers on you street
i have to admit our culture or maybe just me might not blend in as well
why i took the curtains down and dont care who looks in 
they can mentally dress me if they have a problem 

as an aside
years ago as a student in Melbourne Australia working through summer break to survive another year
i lived in a rental on the corner of a busy street

i loved watching so eventually i pulled all the lounge furniture out onto the porch and all flat mates and sundry of an evening would sit talk and make up stories of all the people that stopped in their cars at the lights 

if you got glared at well we would go ahead and make their day

ah yes the good old days when men were men and i had long hair and beads around my neck 

so my challenge to you is to clip in here a short observation of your last interesting bus ride or anything else that allows me to look out your eyes

why because the view is extraordinary and a thing of real delight for me to read 

i will leave this with you 

cheers D

PS the fence was awesome   Go you good thing

I have a draw unit in the garage that is supposed to sit under the washing machine that is two thirds built
im on my third go as it is a mixture of I run out of puff to I cant find my way in the instructions
what i lose in ability though i make up for with tenacity or i just hate quitting  

its all about positioning your audience 
i tell my wife its a weeks job at least if i dont rush it 
so when the 20 minute assembly is finished in 4 days my skills are heralded as awesome
note to former job skills
set your clients expectations long and deliver inside them 

example you tell your wife that the quote to fix the fence came in at 500 pounds
and that you are happy that you went ahead as they said earliest start date was January next year 
See Managing is a skill that can be learned 

more soon D

your irreverently 

G


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## dither

Gofa, it might seem sad to you but I totally [get] that.

The meaning of life, does there have to be a meaning? Sorry but I don't believe that there is any ... "meaning" ... or any "point" to it all. But that's just me.

Wondering where you left things last, boy do I know about that one.

Knees? I've been taking Glucosamine tablets for years, they work for me I think.

Motorised skateboarding, I love that thought and wonder what a cartoonist could do with that.

"Breakfast delivered to the front porch", oh how some guys live.

The fence... will do... f'now :dispirited: and "good thing" I most certainly am not.

Quitting is what I do and tenacity is just too much effort, it took months of planning before I patched up that fence panel, the job itself must have taken all of fifteen minutes, and I only did it because the next door neighbour had been bitching about it to his wife who then mentioned it to mine and, well, chain of command, you know how it goes.

I don't [do] audiences OR expectations.

Irreverence appreciated,

dither...


Afterthought,
I rarely bus anywhere nowadays, I got no place to go, and with this covid thing going on, if I can't buy it in town I do without.

Ciao Gofa.


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## Gofa

Motorised skateboarding, I love that thought and wonder what a cartoonist could do with that.


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## Gofa

Three score less fifty-six years ago I start having a walk and a talk with you fair Dither

Along the way of walking here i have told a bit of truth and flirted with talking of the reality within which I have lived my life. Ive started a blog of show and tell and maybe it belongs here rather than hidden away.[FONT=&Verdana]
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You have told me to shift my conversation regarding my reality here as i acknowledge its place and in all probability this i will do [FONT=&Verdana]
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As to my reality oh yes my reality is “Special” 

Like Forest Gump, my momma always said I was special and I knew to keep my mouth shut about it [FONT=&Verdana]
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When i was young i was often accused of cheating. Thing is I cheated and occasionally people got suspicious. But, I was cheating so as to lose. Yup figured out if you win all the time no one wants to play with you no more but I digress other than to say knowing too much pisses people off so you learn to keep your mouth shut. Oh and parents   Oh Dear interrupting to correct them as a small child  was not a life affirming activity either. I just know stuff, always have, and i came to know that telling people had a down side. Mostly a clip around the ear or sent from the room when adult egos felt threatened. I thought i was helping  oooops it ended in tears before bed time

So D it is with reluctance than i now in the sunset years want to do this show and tell thing. Its funny you just get pissed off with holding it in. Further you reject yourself and some how need to label things as wrong or bad and it hurts in a very strange way

And by way of example, a few decades ago after my separation from my first wife I had this friend who now saw me as available and invited me to a fetish ball as in Kink.  And feeling adventurous I went. Dress up was easy. My best Armani double breasted suit jacket white shirt and tie. Day job wear. And black knickers but thereafter fishnet stockings and my black kung fu shoes. My three daughters fell about the floor in horror when i showed them. I was so proud of my cleverness as here i was hidden and yet on show in plain site. 

You want to do one thing that scares you? Go to one of these functions for the first time. There was at least a thousand people there. 

Thing is these people accepted who they were. And in this acceptance you could see a personal completeness. Something i have always lacked. In denial too much gets in reflex pushed into the corners and loses function.

Again i am talking to myself here. My browse knitted as i one finger type on my ipad understanding the implication of shoving much of me into the corners. 
Example, I once had a client call me and after saying gidday. He asked. You know its me before you pick up the phone don't you.  
I was still for 5 seconds considering options. This was a clever, insightful guy and lying to him would screw trust which is was very important in my day job.

So my answer ? As follows 

“Okay I will tell you the truth but its not something we ever discuss”. 

“Yes I do.  Now why are you ringing me”. And onward we went.

But back to the ball

I looked at these people with fascination. How could they be so comfortable, where i am so conflicted. You see in the company of others like me i still feel so very different and that in all truth  that saddens me all the more 

As an example. You watch people with sight totally believing there are no Aliens. Of course there are. The evidence is overwhelming. And yet no one seems to accept the obvious. 
But they would take over.  Why ? I ask
To me earth is a bus stop on the way across the galaxy. They get off the number 7 bus and climb aboard the number 10. But they would want to take over. Its a bus stop damn it. Who wants to own a bus stop. Transit terminal. If we look like we are going to blow it up they might take an interest but otherwise why bother they are always just passing through.  

Again i digress. 

So D here i am looking in the mirror darkly. Saying, so you think this will help to show and tell. To own up. 

Answer is yes. 

It helps in the telling and the writing not so much from the reading or listening. Its funny but trying to be somebody gets tiring. Putting that persona down is an act of will. A decision unto self and from there inner barriers fall. Well i will get back to you on this but ? Shit i hope so. I would like to acknowledge any person that has not come out of the closet. Its awful eh. You aren’t able to be yourself. Implicit repression. Im not gay but i have my own closet of sorts that i am fumbling here to work the latch of.

Talking of sexual preference let me tell a story. I was in Hawaii in Walmart walking around amazed by the sights and sounds and stuff, endless stuff of all shapes and sizes. I had wandered off from my wife as i do blown on the wind of curiosity when I noticed the 30 something woman in-front of me. Damn she was attractive. But.  I dont have much attraction to women 30 years my junior but wow how she walked, her movements enticed. Her shape as fluid. Its so easy to recall here some 10 years since. At this point the warning bells started. This is not me. This is outside my plane of reference. Ive been following this woman for a full isle transfixed and confused shaking my head, so its time to push the “Warning Will Robinson  Danger Danger” button. Okay. So in response lets look around. A forty something woman was following the lady whom held my attention and intently looking at her bum with a very satisfied smile upon her face.  Two and two made four very quickly. My thirty something’s lover was walking behind her and in close proximity to me, appreciating the view, and with attraction in a way that was fully foreign to my sensibilities. You are left standing there understanding there are huge aspects of femininity that are missed by a guy with a heterosexual framing. 

I walked away and ten minutes later came upon this woman with out her partner near. And sorry buddy she was plain unattractive and not any way close to being in my ball park for appreciation

Welcome to a mile in my shoes. Not every thought need be my own. Not every emotion i feel within me have i generated. Not rocket science. Be close a very angry person, its not hard to buy into their anger and let feelings rise up with in you. My boundaries are a little thin and I struggle often to tell me from thee. 

Just to frame. My IQ is 140 plus I have a friend in the 180s. Shit do i feel clever in his presence. He leaves the room and wow do i notice the dumb down. Whats that saying. Dont compare yourself to others lest you become vain or bitter. i dont do much vain as it is mystery surprise as to how smart i am at any given moment. Dont confuse intellectual with intelligence either. Ive met some high intellect people   That can be just dumb. Paralysis by analysis trapped within their own box, where as, the rest of us get to think outside the box from time to time and as need arises  

What do i do here buddy do i post in the open or continue with the letters from my closet blog. It starts to look pretty obvious 

Show and tell but hidden away is not much tell and even less show. 

Trapped with in my own self serving logic maybe. I did say i was getting off the bus and not looking back so i will transfer and repost the blog items here cause they are part of my conversation as I walk with you.

PS D you can always talk back buddy. Tales of trees and ships and other things

More soon   
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## dither

As always, a brilliant read and very much enjoyed.  Gofa, I'm afraid you struck a chord there, with myself and a great many others I'd wager.

I wouldn't say that I ever cheated exactly, was no prodigy , but I DID play my abilities down to fit in, to be permitted to run with the herd so to speak. I know I go on about "living on a sinkie" but even then, especially then, at such an impressionable age, I knew my place. I can't complain about being particularly dis-advantaged, I wasn't, WE weren't, but I kept MY head down and got on with it, did not want to stand out one iota, acceptance and approval, not necessarily in that order, were the be all and end all.

Memories from my school days:
Being told off by teachers for talking in class, which was not entirely accurate. We'd have those questions and answers sessions, the teacher would direct a question at the class and I would often mumble or mutter the answer to who-ever was sitting beside me because I wouldn't speak up.

Another time a teacher came walking down one of the aisles between the desks, I can see him now, drawing ever closer, then as I sat there feeling as guilty as hell, he stooped and said quietly so as not to be over-heard, "you're in the wrong class mate". Things like that stay with you, and y'know what? Fifty years on, I sometimes see him in the High Street.

Taking the pee out of the clever ones and generally giving them all kinds of hell was the popular pastime of course, I passed my time with the not so clever I'm afraid. I knew which side my bread was buttered. I'm not proud of that but hey! The feelings of inferiority stung even then.

Invitations to fetish balls, invitations to ANYTHING, all that "trying, wanting desperately, to fit in", and I don't think I ever did. I even failed at failing.

There are no sexual epiphanies in my  closet I'm afraid but there is a closet, locked-barred-coated with re-enforced concrete and I SHALL take it with me to the grave.

Not as interesting as your reminiscences I'm afraid Gofa but such is the power of your writing, I just had  to respond.

Keep 'em coming Gofa.

dither...

Maybe there should be a "walking with Gofa" thread.


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## Gofa

Lets start this narrative based upon Dire Straits
Private Investigations Lyrics

1 It's a mystery to me

Oh isn’t this the truth D 
Each day you wake up one more day behind one day less in front
Mmmmmm
And in truth not that whole bunch smarter
I do like where i am, its just i would ask about the warranty on my body
They said it was good for life but i am having my doubts
Somethings take half as long but you need to do them twice as often
And other things they used to be a great idea back when 
But now you have to be crazy to roll the dice there any more 
Ahh the joys of I’ve had more and done it better 
But but but

2 The game commences

Aint that the truth. You watch to TV and it all a game 
Politics embarrassingly self absorbed men rising to their own level of incompetence  
And surrounded by other souls that are prepared to see the Emperors new clothes  because they swear it makes their own dick grows bigger.

Solomon had it right
The lament of rosters that use ta  
Lets go full tilt Biblical
“I have seen it all, and everything is just as senseless as chasing the wind.”
Well for me it’s more Bob Seger against the windJust running against the wind

3  For the usual fee

Oh yes what can i say my fee cup runneth over
I gave to admit i would be hard pressed to work at my chosen profession any more
I have developed Grumpy Old Man Syndrome
Quite an acute case  with often severe periods of fuck you and the horse you road in on
I have to admit that visual is not the three some that i should be looking for

4  Plus expenses

Ahh yes spot the Accountant i keep all my receipts only to throw them away 
There is a lesson there but it escapes me
I renewed my  membership to the accountants society. I keep the certificate to ward off  the chill to my chest if times get tough later on sleeping on a park bench  

5  Confidential information

Ive promised myself just to write and not try to edit in my own mind. So ...
Ive been told stuff in confidence all my life. Some of it is just begs to be retold and other  just best forgotten 
And yet its sad how much of my life my kids have no clue of nor any awareness that their Dad does different stuff. Like writing here
Ive mentioned to my youngest that there is an email to be kept with addresses to advise that Im gone and pretty sure I am not coming back
I will leave them a few forums and passwords you never know they might appreciate 

6  It's in a diary

Kept one of these years ago.  Shit you read back and understand how much of your life was spent worrying about things that never happened 

7  This is my investigation

Funny this line  I’ve written a story totally autobiographical called the Warrior and the Child
I will Blog it unfinished as it is a work in process 
Honest years in the making really
It shows, captures my investigation into that which has terrified me all my life. 
And and and
I still cant define or describe what that is
Ive given it names and faces over the years the Usual Suspects  but each has proved false when courage allows for me to open my eyes and find out “nope not that”

8  It's not a public inquiry

Well if i post it here it kind of is eh 

9  I go checking out the reports

The rocks Ive turned over looking for rhyme and reason are legend  
for example 
Abducted by Aliens
I watched a TV programme on this. A guy, sound of mind, capable in life, swearing before all he had been up to the Mother Ship
Great lesson there.  
I knew what he was saying was true.
But that does not alter the fact that he is fucking crazy

10  Digging up the dirt

Why if i know he is truthful ?
Cause only crazy people own up to that shit being in their life
So it was a dream too much cheese and maybe bad drugs that were never noticed being taken 
Some dirt is best just left stood on as you cant dig the dirt where you are currently standing 

11   You get to meet all sorts

I have a reputation for meeting weird people.
You know those guys that are chick magnets
Not me
I attract the really odd souls

12  In this line of work

Ive come to the conclusion this fact might be part of a later in life day job just on the horizon
I will get back to you D

13  Treachery and treason

Had my fill

14   There's always an excuse for it

Heres my experience   There is always no good reason 

15  And when I find the reason

In business its just like they cut their own dick off to save in a jar and show people how big it is or rather was cause it aint attached no more

16   I still can't get used to it

Im no choir boy but  no i cant see the point
There are two valuation bases in assaying wealth 
Value in Use
Value in Exchange
Worth more to own  or can buy more value with money from sale

Lets face it your own dick or be it conscience, self image, inner belief, prestige
In a jar is like a buggy talking to itself in the mirror and passing its reflection food from its bowl

17   And what have you got
18   At the end of the day?
19   What have you got 
20   To take away?

enough of the lyrics

Here I stand D,  asking in my ipad mirror 

Trying to make eye contact with myself

Oh Dear 
How Sad
Never mind
As in  
It aint half hot Mum

And or to quote Spock

Its life D but not as we know it 

Just imagine if on the steps of heaven
St Peter asks 

“So what have you learnt”

Oh dear D

I am feeling that answering 

“No one told me there was going to be a test
I just survived for as long as I could 
And died before needing adult diapers”

Im hoping for St Peter in checking down all the answers 
Finds avoiding adult diapers to be sufficient learning for me to pass within  

Sitting here having edited  for line spacing i will think again about putting the Warrior and the Child in a blog 
Do one thing a say that scares you 
We will see


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## Gofa

Okay D you are Missing in Action  but maybe the show can go on
Im still holding out for a broken computer 
If I knew your address I would ship you a spare ipad 
And a letter complaining about you not playing well with others 

But i digress
Today i wrote a story while i amused myself hugely as part of the process
I do like this D and recognising I’m a story teller not a writer sets the bar for me as reachable 
Screw punctuation and things of such like
Write it to be read like it appears in my mind 

And the gap between paragraphs is because I paused in flight to look out the window seeking more of the same or a new direction
It was too much fun to be taken seriously

But back closer to home
A new year and with it pretty much the promise of more of the same
Oh the life of a pensioner  every day is Sunday
And living well is the best revenge 

Mind you here and now your absence casts a pall upon me so i will pause
And internally renew looking up the street to see you in your crocks
Shuffling along cider and news paper tucked under your arm
And a treat for you missus that you never let on how much you care about

Fair well Sir Knight 
And I will maintain my Vigil


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## Gofa

Just reread above and memory appeared out of the fog and worth capturing on the tip of my finger 
PS I am upscaling my typing to fore finger plus thumb for space bar. Sick of missing the space bar and having words linked with a c, v or b 

I have read sci-fi most of my life and certain authors just touch me 

Clifford D Simak being in the top three

In the eighties i heard he had died and was hugely upset that i had never written to him to thank him for the many many hours of pleasure and the characters many of who i aspired to be like in this life.
As in many of his books keeping your word and following your heart was of more worth than accepting circumstance and in this vein i wrote to Clifford acknowledging he was dead but fulfilling my decade long desire to thank him

I had always said to myself i will write and i did. Delivery whilst an obstacle did not set aside my obligation to keep my word and be true to it.
Some weeks after writing i was on a Cliffird D Simak forum, simple things then as this was the early 90’s    
I messaged a guy completing a biography of Clifford

I told of my heart felt desire to thank and this guy said he was going that week to talk with Clifford’s twin brother and as it turned out this brother read my letter
Funny how things come full cycle 

What can I say 

Im less than enamoured by the thought of Walking with Dither’s Brother than keeping it simple to just you
In late November you PM’d asking for a continuation on show and tell. I was shy and reluctant and now regretful as if a friend asks you should really make the effort and sadly D I did not

I will do better from here buddy


----------



## Gofa

Hi D 
you are gone but not forgotten buddy and maybe in passing you come look so to you goes the continuing tale
been a couple of months but feels a life time 
one of my favourite songs is Pink Floyd’s  “Wish you were Here”
and as i do, I will template a chat from between the lines 

Just a thought you should rejoin as “In Cider” who would ever guess it was you lolololol
PS ive started drinking cider some of its not bad 

so D batter up lets play ball 
Or better yet lets not just now  sleep beckons 
see you in the other side 

Ive slept 

*So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell?*

oh dear D I so totally have seen both and i will tell you the rub
seeing Heaven hurt more than seeing hell
having  seen Heaven i had to leave disengage withdraw with every fibre of my being screaming please can I not stay? 
as to hell oh yes had a look and you are screaming hallelujah when you get withdrawn 

so i can tell the difference buddy but that does not seem to be something you  should be too proud of 
someone was shoving the bloody obvious down your throat for readins of their own

*Blue skies from pain?
*
sorry this is turning into a bitch session. Blue skies loved them as a surfer sitting in the swell working on my tan squinting as best i can as i had to take my glasses off. There is nothing like sitting in big surf on a bright sunny day. They roll through in sets with a lull between but in a big day .mother Nature shows you up as being tiny
a big day is 10 to 15 feet basically a decent size house moving through the water 
every now and again they would be like mountains and you a leaf in the wind 
still pretty cool stuff if you are a strong swimmer and can hold you breath and not panic when it all turns to crap  abd trust me in a huge day it inevitably turns to crap at least a few time. You know on TV D they say when you are drowning you peacefully transfer
what ballocks  every cell is screaming for oxygen 

Pain    Mmmmm no friend of mine but damn a constant companion most of my life   Stuff just hurts* 



A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
*

*Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
*


Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a leading role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here


----------



## PiP

When regulars like dither disappear and do not respond to PMs, it's difficult not to think the worse, especially with COVID claiming so many. If he is alive and well a note would be good just so his WF family know he is okay.


----------



## River Rose

PiP said:


> When regulars like dither disappear and does not respond to PMs, it's difficult not to think the worse and whether he contracted COVID... If he is alive and well a note would be good just so his WF family know he is okay.



He did contact Gofa saying he was ok when he went missing from the WF. No Covid,,no illnesses.  He said it was by choice that he was taking a break from the forum. He is still sadly missed and we all wait for his return here to our WF home.


----------



## River Rose

Still missing and thinking of u D. Waiting for your return to read your posted again. Big hugs D.


----------



## Phil Istine

Of course, many people have lost their jobs so it could be a financial thing about being unable to pay for internet access.  Normally, this could be overcome by accessing from a public library, but they are mostly still closed to prevent virus propagation.
Here's hoping that whatever is happening, it's recoverable.


----------



## Phil Istine

River Rose said:


> He did contact Gofa saying he was ok when he went missing from the WF. No Covid,,no illnesses.  He said it was by choice that he was taking a break from the forum. He is still sadly missed and we all wait for his return here to our WF home.



Yes, I think many of us have taken an occasional break.


----------



## PiP

River Rose said:


> He did contact Gofa saying he was ok when he went missing from the WF. No Covid,,no illnesses.  He said it was by choice that he was taking a break from the forum. He is still sadly missed and we all wait for his return here to our WF home.



as long as he is okay, that was my main concern.


----------



## Gofa

He is fine retired and happy at home yo the extent covid allows only one message but takes away
the crappier reasons rhat come yo mind with absense


----------



## bazz cargo

Hi Gofa. Good ta see ya. If you do com with Dither pass on my best wishes. 
:encouragement:


----------



## -xXx-

bazz cargo said:


> Hi Gofa. Good ta see ya. If you do com with Dither pass on my best wishes.
> :encouragement:



ditto


----------



## Gofa

Just so you understand Dither  
I‘m looking for you son
They say you can run but you can not hide
So far you seem to be pretty good at both


----------



## Gofa

Okay Sunshine Im here for a chat
but I get the feeling I’m walking with the ghost 
of Christmas past buddy
I struggle to find my voice in truth as for here
it  mostly forms from not a happy place 
i understand you spoke of this blunting your desire to write
and sadly this is a me too movement

mostly i feel i cant tell the truth 
muzzled in the name of dont scare the kiddies
or if you dont have something positive to say
shut the fuck up as what is the point 

From the sounds stupid but file
i have no idea why i strike a chord with you D
in writing a list of physical things we have in common 
other than age not sure there is another line to add

and yet here i am basically up chucking a bitch about you being fucking AWOL

i envy you your life in a way the perceived simplicity and the same time as recognising 
i would die living it 

when I was young my parents took me from school refused to support
higher education and jammed me in a Governmental job as a clerk

go to work on a bus in the dark and come home in the bus in the dark for 6 months 
of every year
wanna do crazy that all it took for me 
i escaped found surfing quit and survived finally put myself through university
the moral of that story
pay closer attention to choosing your parents
bad choices there lead to dark places
yes it a joke D but also painfully true

i still talk about you to friends and acquaintances
i think you have a bit of a cult  following over here 
as i have said I have never seen you and Batman in the same room
but really its the chips
seeking salvation through the pursuit of the perfect chip
if only we lived in India im sure we would have  had a set of 
spiritual followers seeking enlightenment through the sacred chip

here is something both good and bad D
in equal measure  not sure

Hyperdrive  Lyrics 
Jefferson Starship

all because I felt it
that i believed it 
there things I’ve never seen that I believe

above as i have internalised
interesting to compare with googles account

Because I felt it I believe it 
Because there are things I've never seen that I believe

i have wandered far in this life and managed most of this 
while staying very much in my own head 

but now i am verging on getting on the crazy train 

Ive bought a retirement property on the other side of the South Island
and will spend 2 weeks out of every 4 there from later this year

on a hillside looking out to sea 

i will stop here and continue later 
funny buddy i feel better  
for taking a walk with you
silly but true 

more soon buddy


----------



## Gofa

January 2022

I had heard Sir Knight that you had returned and walked once more amongst the writers forums

This alone is enough to draw me back but sadly D I don’t see your foot prints, maybe you’ve joined in another name to come and look without complications, who’s to say I hope so

I sit here in my cane outdoor furniture my companion of choice is Somersby black currant no blackberry cider potentially a cider with a message as in lie down and avoid it. it seems to set the stage D I will find and send one more blazing arrow into the night hoping to find kindling and in someway be reassured you are still among us

I have just looked and it’s been 18 months but in my private writing I’ve have something here in January 20 20 never posted. That is binned but my point is there is much ground cover

Just read June last. The property gets finished second quarter of this year 2022. I wait for it’s completion like a drowning Man waits for his next breath. Always having things at my fingertips has been the story of my life. First two seems continually out of reach so I guess I get bonus points for consistency

What am I going to do there D. I’m gonna learn to be still. I’m gonna sit and look out the window and stare at the sea before me, and the mountains behind me. Sit and learn to be quiet in a place the talks to me. So I guess one of my interests will be learning to listen

I’m going to light a fire have people come around and swap stories tell of trees and ships and other things and maybe find a place to post then

I’ve been told that things will find their own way and if I light a fire people will come around for a fire side chat.

Other than this D The plan is no plan

I’ve driven around for three or more years looking for the section where I can lay my head. Always looking for a connection and in this piece of ground I feel I’ve achieved that

I believed in June last I would’ve been there by now but every story has an asshole and mine was one of my near neighbors wanting to send legal letters over land covenants.

Causes a redesign and basically you get out of step with a lot of things and so basically lost six months plus Covid screwed up things.

I’ve got a bucket list and a month or so ago ticked another item. D I’ve got the biggest ride on mower that you’ve ever seen and it has a cup holder. D this brings a peace to my soul as I mow the lawns 10 minutes you say no its for an hour 30 to mow my lawn and a tandem trailer load of lawn clipping to boot

Pretty much sounds like Forrest Gump, and many a true word said in jest

Well the cider is pretty much finished so I guess let’s cut and paste then do something else

I’m dictating this rather than typing with my one finger honestly I think it slower and I’m not sure the state of mine that engages well. I’m talking as against the variability you feel when you’re typing it and the punctuation in the sentence construction absolutely sucks

 I don’t know if I’m supposed to say. Oh God I said full stop And I got one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha yeah line

That’s a real laugh out loud as captured and written by the machine

Good enough place to stop D

More soon although my heart is heavy, this doesn’t feel particularly redemptive

These two years passed D. I still feel regret for not posting when you asked me to, too caught up on my own misery I suppose and still here two years down the road I carry regret

On a positive note I had chips tonight but with sauce. I think I’ll put on the list to buy cider vinegar D


----------



## petergrimes

Gofa said:


> He is fine retired and happy at home yo the extent covid allows only one message but takes away
> the crappier reasons rhat come yo mind with absense


I never come into the Tavern so I never knew this thread existed, I am so bloody happy that our Dither is alive and well, to my shame I had feared the worst, this is the best news I've had in ages, I was having a rubbish day and now everything is awesome. I'm so happy, if you can Gofa, please pass on my best wishes and tell him he is greatly missed. Thank you for this news, it's made my week, no my month, Hooray, cheers Gofa, all the best PG


----------



## Gofa

February 2022

Hello Dither

My old friend

I come to walk with you again

There is no vision softly creeping

But many of me have been lost while sleeping

And the visions planted in my brain

Oh Dither I’m here to complain

To receive your blessing

Or just the sounds of more silence

Buckle up Dorothy’s

Like Schrödinger's cat there is no Kansas

I want write D but the obligation to homogenise my understanding of reality for a reader just kills the spirit of what I want to say till the passion to do so fades and self doubt, for a moment challenged, reasserts itself to bring business as usual.

Speak not, lest others be troubled or, probably with more substance, lest others think you are crazy.

Well here D let all that read here, trip over or walk around large philosophical fat droplets i will scatter as i write. Behold unhomogenised, let us head towards the dark at the end of the tunnel and for those that consider this disquieting, please remember at night there is dark at the end of tunnels.

Let me begin D. My complaint why cant i be in my own house and home.

Perhaps a preface, the first of my bread crumbs to follow.

Dumb it down within me and be like others. Find personal intimacy with others by fearing what they fear. Feeling their pain and developing an appetite for their suffering. Im like you see when I’m cut i too bleed. Things taught to me as child so that i might belong.

Now lets go house hunting. Some four years ago i had a severe accident and was placed in hospital with badly damaged legs and given morphine. Extreme was the pain, then it was gone, like magic, disappearing, mist on a sunny morning. I had slipped into a tense sleep body rigid as a coping mechanism trying my best to escape.

Wakefulness brought acceptable levels of pain but something was missing D. I remembered having more. More understanding, more perception, more colours as now internally it was just black and white. Within my self, with what I call myself, my identity, there used to be more rooms. Doorways that lead to further capabilities understandings knowledge. But now only walls where I was sure access ways to more existed. I wasn’t missing a room or two. I was missing half my house.

Fuck it D I was normal. You cant express the horror I felt. Oh my God why have you abandoned me. Is this brain damage. I had a friend brilliant racing engineer, absolutely world class. Stepped off a motorcycle at 160mph.  The guy that came out of hospital was a pale shadow of who went off riding that day. Welcome to brain damage 101, up close and personal.

Lying there in hospital more of me was missing that was left. You want an “oh shit moment” D thats up there in my top 10.

On instinct I refused any more meds. Two days later i awoke and all my rooms were back. I cried for a long while over that. I had run the gamut of I would rather die than live like this, to accept this as what you need endure and make the best of being broken.

Okay I've established the emotional colouring of the picture I'm seeking D. Now to further define shape.

I cant feel my house buddy. Its there but its blurry. Like I'm watching a tourist show on TV rather than living it with all my senses.

Ahhh lets us disappear into my childhood dreams and define despair and resignation.

When I was young, pre hospitalisation for major surgery at twelve, i had reoccurring dreams D that were profound. I would be playing rugby sometimes happy and engrossed. Other times the rugby ball was full of straw poking out each end. Oh my God what blasphemy, corruption of truth. No one noticed but me. The ball bounced and behaved as it should but I was dislocated out of phase, seeing what no other did and utterly without enjoyment or immersion in playing. Interesting to recall this buddy. Another bread crumb this be.

Let me address the elephant in the room. Im not crazy but with enough effort i can come close to believing it some days. Usually this is based upon guilty by association. Meaning i take on the internal shape of others. Its a sneaky thing as by the time you notice just how far away from yourself you are, its the time to wake up and phone home ET cause none of this is me.

Let be digress to explain. I am a telepath. Basically i swim around in the thought soup of people in my immediate proximity. Empath too. I feel the emotional texture and pain, discomfort, of those again in proximity. One small point probably best left unsaid but damn it i tired of the “edit”. Focus upon me think, write to me etc. Im aware of you. I will qualify this with mostly. If Im having a totally self engrossed time then Nuh my ears are blocked at a conscious level but it still trickles down within me like someone talking behind you at a noisey dinner party.

In side a crazy’s mind often its a kaleidoscope. Fragmented picture or sub pictures is a good analogy. Another a clock with some of the gears missing or not meshing or compulsive returning to the scene of the crime.

A side issue. Yes you can fiddle and fix things but careful as no good turn goes unpunished. There are deep drivers to crazy and you tip toe into their domain they will defend their territory savagely.

A vanilla example and some window dressing on different

I was in Las Vegas. Bored so went looking at the gambling hall. I mostly don’t gamble from the stable of careful what you wish for. Leave you to figure that out D but read along with “Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread”

Okay in Vegas baseball cap neutral clothing. Why ? cameras. I like to have fun but don’t get noticed or you become persona non grata.

I can effect slot machines. No explanation given or needed i just can. I go and walk around and let people have a happy time. Don’t skew machines too far.  Less than 5,000 Cause the house knows normal and if its abnormal and this guy in the red baseball cap was in the camera each time. Don’t care how its happening just ban him. Bad for business. I can feel scrutiny mostly and know its time to move on.

Thing was and my point here. This lady playing slots was sad desperate and losing. Okay lets rub the love in the machine, coach it toward rewarding. Every time i interfered got the program to shift probabilities, this woman subconsciously slammed the machine back into lose mode. Three times. Once, holy shit. Twice, OMG really. Third just to be sure, then get out of here. I’m meddling in waters deeper than is safe.

What am I telling myself here D. Its a big world and I tend to simplify so my cookie cutter external looks like others. Thing is D this external bleeds through to within. Shit another bread crumb.

Might stop here D

Cherokee Smudging Prayer

May your hands be cleansed that they create beautiful things.

May your feet be cleansed, that they might take you where you most need to be.

May your  heart be cleansed, that you might hear its message clearly.

May your throat be cleansed, that you might speak rightly when words are needed.

May your eyes be cleansed, that you might see the signs and wonders of the world.

May this person and space be washed clean by the smoke of these fragrant plants.

And may that same smoke carry our prayers spiralling, to the heavens.

Conclusion D

Im scared to being different  i discard myself lest i show myself as i truly am  even to myself

thanks D your message received within the silence


----------



## Gofa

Hi Buddy
Funny sitting here in my spa pool Wednesday morning and sifting through a sand put of memories   
if you come back I promise to play nice 
my house on the coast stumbles along towards reality 
this retired vocation is getting to be normal and the angst of getting it all done in time fades like mist on a morning
a life spent like Alices white rabbit even after i refused to continue wearing a watch 
life is turning into an adventure  or more realistically Im turning into someone that finally notices life is an adventure
this afternoon weather petmitting its forest gump time
that is me on the rude on mower nouse cancelling head phoned under ear muffs in my happy place of Zen and the art of lawn mowing
it appears Covid has stopped killing although Putin is trying to fuck things ip now the worldmoves towards a better place
might be on my way to  USA later in year before it gets too cold there
Like to think that will turn out well
more later buddy i dont seem to have a long post within me and reality pokes its tongue out from the corner of my ipad
battery 9% its a sign 
theres a place near Atlantic City that sells chips I think i will go back there  and watch people while I eat
this is the place where I have found the best chips so far worth a visit one last time
so its on a list
more soon buddy
wish you were here,  high hopes,  great gig in the sky


----------



## Gofa

I’m still coming here looking to see if you have returned D 
might even write you some more, take a walk, in the next say or so

Patrick McGoohan in the Prisoner sums it up

“be seeing you”


----------



## dither

testing


----------



## dither

Okayyyyyy:

So; yes, I walked away from here. Bit of a misunderstanding. And now? Yeah.

Where to start?

after a few years of just slobbing it through retirement, having fallen out with my internet provider, and become totally sick and bored with myself, I took to walking, I mean seriously, eight to ten milers, and by the way, boy what a difference a month can make to a life. MY life anyway.

I did five or six of these walks/hikes in July and on those walks I saw so much. Real chocolate box scenery and quirky villagie stuff that even though existing right on my doorstep I had never seen before and then all I wanted to do, all I could think about really, was diarise, sit and write it all down. Biggest regret being, AGAIN, that I still don't own a camera.

Well, with the passing of time and so many rewrites it all just paled into insignificance.

I actually, at one point determined to get myself a pushbike and go back to those villages, but where I live and not having room indoors for a bike, it's just not an option. There are so many points here that I would like to expand upon. Some other time maybe.
Those few walks totally killed me. I don't think I could do it now.

And so, the here and now.

All that's stopping me from getting back online is my inability to set it up. My computer literacy begins and ends at switch on, log in, log out and switch off. That's it. I don't know how and so I'm out of it.

I DID try to write a blog but I'm in a library. Can't put up those files/attachments whatever but I HAVE managed to do this. So who knows?

Fond regards to you all, special thanks to GOFA and Rose,

dither.


----------



## dither

Thanks Pip, appreciated.


----------



## dither

I  can't believe it, I posted and it's gone. i think.


----------



## Foxee

Hi, Dither, I'm so glad to see you posting again!


----------



## PiP

dither said:


> I  can't believe it, I posted and it's gone. i think.


Your blog is here








						Blog entries by dither
					







					www.writingforums.com


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> Okayyyyyy:
> 
> So; yes, I walked away from here. Bit of a misunderstanding. And now? Yeah.
> 
> Where to start?
> 
> after a few years of just slobbing it through retirement, having fallen out with my internet provider, and become totally sick and bored with myself, I took to walking, I mean seriously, eight to ten milers, and by the way, boy what a difference a month can make to a life. MY life anyway.
> 
> I did five or six of these walks/hikes in July and on those walks I saw so much. Real chocolate box scenery and quirky villagie stuff that even though existing right on my doorstep I had never seen before and then all I wanted to do, all I could think about really, was diarise, sit and write it all down. Biggest regret being, AGAIN, that I still don't own a camera.
> 
> Well, with the passing of time and so many rewrites it all just paled into insignificance.
> 
> I actually, at one point determined to get myself a pushbike and go back to those villages, but where I live and not having room indoors for a bike, it's just not an option. There are so many points here that I would like to expand upon. Some other time maybe.
> Those few walks totally killed me. I don't think I could do it now.
> 
> And so, the here and now.
> 
> All that's stopping me from getting back online is my inability to set it up. My computer literacy begins and ends at switch on, log in, log out and switch off. That's it. I don't know how and so I'm out of it.
> 
> I DID try to write a blog but I'm in a library. Can't put up those files/attachments whatever but I HAVE managed to do this. So who knows?
> 
> Fond regards to you all, special thanks to GOFA and Rose,
> 
> dither.


Welcome back D
U were missed 
So glad to have u back!!!!!


----------



## River Rose




----------



## Gofa

_after the longest night morning 
thank you D  
you have been missed 
i have no understanding of why you are so important to me
just that you are _
I met a man again this week
sells medical Maryjuana to mostly terminal patients
we talked for a few hours
he had just lost his sister to cancer
grieving
told him to sit and talk with his sister
Share with her his memories of her life
the good the bad and the ugly
As though she sat beside him on the garden seat
because in my reality she is, will be
show her the love he feels 
ease away from the grief of losing her
Just accept understand she is there just unseen 

as to things unseen 
forget the camera D
describe what you saw
tell me a story D
i promise to sit quietly and listen


----------



## dither

GOFA?
Really?
On my first trek, I walked to a town just five miles away, FIVE MILES, and I'd never been there before. I have lived in this town for over thirty five years. Incredible. Well, I walked out to, I shall  call it village number one. Approaching said village, I saw a couple, in their fifties I would think, litter-picking the grass verges, separating refuse from recyclables as they went. I'd love to be involved with something like that,  where I live? Aint never gonna happen, but the best was yet to come. At the turn off to the village, in the middle of the road where one might expect to see bollards, there were, there still IS, probably, two well-tended small raised flower beds, one set with geraniums, pink in one and red in the other. And still the surprises kept coming. Walking into the high street I could see one of those very old scarlet red pay-phone boxes up ahead, okay, I thought, why not? They obviously hadn't got around to removing it yet but when I got to it there was a sign on the door that said "book and seed exchange". Can you believe that? Three small shelves supported a selection of books and there were small cardboard boxes on the floor, boxes of seeds? Only in a sleepy chocolate box village. Only in good old blighty. Maybe. How resourceful is that? And why not? I supposed with a huge grin on my face. Why not? Indeed.

For some time now I've found myself seeking out village and library orientated novels. I did, some time ago read a novel by a poppy something or other entitled "the littlest library" and central to the story was, yes, you guessed it, a converted telephone box where people donated and borrowed books. I'd love to think that I've  witnessed life imitating art, and again, why not?

And so, I walked on and in the next village that again was about five miles from home, and yet another  that I'd never seen before. Another village, another old red phone-box and in THIS one where once a pay phone would have been housed there now proudly sits a derfibrilator. And how cool is THAT?

Village three? Well, not much to say really, just another really nice place to walk through, nothing springs to mind but by that time I was about seven miles in with five to get home and I was beginning to question the wisdom of taking on such a walk. The pace was shortening and so I was heading home. Another day another walk perhaps.

Happy daze GOFA, happy daze.

And now I must go, my hour is almost up.

Regards, dither.


----------



## Foxee

Dither, I'm so happy to see your posts! Good that you're still walking. The defibrillator in the old telephone booth is an interesting development. It was pleasant to read about what you've observed in the villages.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> GOFA?
> Really?
> On my first trek, I walked to a town just five miles away, FIVE MILES, and I'd never been there before. I have lived in this town for over thirty five years. Incredible. Well, I walked out to, I shall  call it village number one. Approaching said village, I saw a couple, in their fifties I would think, litter-picking the grass verges, separating refuse from recyclables as they went. I'd love to be involved with something like that,  where I live? Aint never gonna happen, but the best was yet to come. At the turn off to the village, in the middle of the road where one might expect to see bollards, there were, there still IS, probably, two well-tended small raised flower beds, one set with geraniums, pink in one and red in the other. And still the surprises kept coming. Walking into the high street I could see one of those very old scarlet red pay-phone boxes up ahead, okay, I thought, why not? They obviously hadn't got around to removing it yet but when I got to it there was a sign on the door that said "book and seed exchange". Can you believe that? Three small shelves supported a selection of books and there were small cardboard boxes on the floor, boxes of seeds? Only in a sleepy chocolate box village. Only in good old blighty. Maybe. How resourceful is that? And why not? I supposed with a huge grin on my face. Why not? Indeed.
> 
> For some time now I've found myself seeking out village and library orientated novels. I did, some time ago read a novel by a poppy something or other entitled "the littlest library" and central to the story was, yes, you guessed it, a converted telephone box where people donated and borrowed books. I'd love to think that I've  witnessed life imitating art, and again, why not?
> 
> And so, I walked on and in the next village that again was about five miles from home, and yet another  that I'd never seen before. Another village, another old red phone-box and in THIS one where once a pay phone would have been housed there now proudly sits a derfibrilator. And how cool is THAT?
> 
> Village three? Well, not much to say really, just another really nice place to walk through, nothing springs to mind but by that time I was about seven miles in with five to get home and I was beginning to question the wisdom of taking on such a walk. The pace was shortening and so I was heading home. Another day another walk perhaps.
> 
> Happy daze GOFA, happy daze.
> 
> And now I must go, my hour is almost up.
> 
> Regards, dither.


Love hearing about your walk D. I can see the villages in my mind. As an avid hiker myself,,,I get so much info and beauty while I walk/hike. It almost seems indulgent to b gifted the time I have to hike. Thank u so much for sharing what u saw and felt. Can not wait to read more of your adventures. So glad to have u back. When some ppl leave,,,they were so important it creates a void. U are one of those ppl. More soon form u D.


----------



## dither

*Time.... changes...everything:*

When I retired I'd had plans, was looking forward to days of un-hurried leisurely bus-riding. Getting on and off busses, just for the hell of it. I would be entitled to a free bus-pass and boy was I going to milk that mother, but it never happened. I've never been very good at asking for help and putting my hand up for any kind of benefit, despite the fact that in the whole my working life that spanned over fifty years I've never claimed unemployment, or any other kind of benefit. Yes, I've paid my dues, but I just couldn't go there and now I realise that It doesn't matter any more.

Through out the last what, fifteen years of full time employment, I'd spent so much time, clocked up so many miles, out of necessity riding busses. My work-place was an eight mile bus-ride away. Also, since I bought a weekly bus-pass I was doing my shopping out of town simply because the bus-rides would be freebies. Bonus.

Although I had ridden the busses back and forth to and from work out of necessity the rides were affording me easy ,relaxing "me time" .Time to think, time to ponder, well, time itself. Life. MY life. Things, situations, people, the world, universe even. Is there anybodeeee'yout there?

As the miles whizzed by in a blur I became mesmerised almost, not wanting my journey to end. Just to remain seated and go around and around again and again. I think about that a lot. But that was then and this is the here and now.

And in the now, I'm tired, so tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Drained, I feel drained. I don't stray far from home nowadays. I shop for supplies as and when the need arises and I have my local library.

Life eh?

I would like to re-visit those little villages, I really would. Y'know? For a while I got myself all fired up about getting myself a push-bike. One of those fold-up jobbies even, but that's another story, another time perhaps.

Happy daze, dither.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> *Time.... changes...everything:*
> 
> When I retired I'd had plans, was looking forward to days of un-hurried leisurely bus-riding. Getting on and off busses, just for the hell of it. I would be entitled to a free bus-pass and boy was I going to milk that mother, but it never happened. I've never been very good at asking for help and putting my hand up for any kind of benefit, despite the fact that in the whole my working life that spanned over fifty years I've never claimed unemployment, or any other kind of benefit. Yes, I've paid my dues, but I just couldn't go there and now I realise that It doesn't matter any more.
> 
> Through out the last what, fifteen years of full time employment, I'd spent so much time, clocked up so many miles, out of necessity riding busses. My work-place was an eight mile bus-ride away. Also, since I bought a weekly bus-pass I was doing my shopping out of town simply because the bus-rides would be freebies. Bonus.
> 
> Although I had ridden the busses back and forth to and from work out of necessity the rides were affording me easy ,relaxing "me time" .Time to think, time to ponder, well, time itself. Life. MY life. Things, situations, people, the world, universe even. Is there anybodeeee'yout there?
> 
> As the miles whizzed by in a blur I became mesmerised almost, not wanting my journey to end. Just to remain seated and go around and around again and again. I think about that a lot. But that was then and this is the here and now.
> 
> And in the now, I'm tired, so tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Drained, I feel drained. I don't stray far from home nowadays. I shop for supplies as and when the need arises and I have my local library.
> 
> Life eh?
> 
> I would like to re-visit those little villages, I really would. Y'know? For a while I got myself all fired up about getting myself a push-bike. One of those fold-up jobbies even, but that's another story, another time perhaps.
> 
> Happy daze, dither.


I hear you on the tried front.
I am a mother of 8 children.
My life was raising them.
I lived the American dream.
Until my husband went crazy.
Now I have a shiny restraining order and trying to figure out life on my own.
Just like you.
New places to see,,,new jobs.
You are never to old for the push bike.
I am walking the Camino in 5 years.
I saw this Forest Witch on my hike yesterday.
Thank u D for sharing what you  feel.

sidways 
But aren’t we all….


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> *Time.... changes...everything:*
> 
> When I retired I'd had plans, was looking forward to days of un-hurried leisurely bus-riding. Getting on and off busses, just for the hell of it. I would be entitled to a free bus-pass and boy was I going to milk that mother, but it never happened. I've never been very good at asking for help and putting my hand up for any kind of benefit, despite the fact that in the whole my working life that spanned over fifty years I've never claimed unemployment, or any other kind of benefit. Yes, I've paid my dues, but I just couldn't go there and now I realise that It doesn't matter any more.
> 
> Through out the last what, fifteen years of full time employment, I'd spent so much time, clocked up so many miles, out of necessity riding busses. My work-place was an eight mile bus-ride away. Also, since I bought a weekly bus-pass I was doing my shopping out of town simply because the bus-rides would be freebies. Bonus.
> 
> Although I had ridden the busses back and forth to and from work out of necessity the rides were affording me easy ,relaxing "me time" .Time to think, time to ponder, well, time itself. Life. MY life. Things, situations, people, the world, universe even. Is there anybodeeee'yout there?
> 
> As the miles whizzed by in a blur I became mesmerised almost, not wanting my journey to end. Just to remain seated and go around and around again and again. I think about that a lot. But that was then and this is the here and now.
> 
> And in the now, I'm tired, so tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Drained, I feel drained. I don't stray far from home nowadays. I shop for supplies as and when the need arises and I have my local library.
> 
> Life eh?
> 
> I would like to re-visit those little villages, I really would. Y'know? For a while I got myself all fired up about getting myself a push-bike. One of those fold-up jobbies even, but that's another story, another time perhaps.
> 
> Happy daze, dither.


I hear you on the tried front.
I am a mother of 8 children.
My life was raising them.
I lived the American dream.
Until my husband went crazy.
Now I have a shiny restraining order and trying to figure out life on my own.
Just like you.
New places to see,,,new jobs.
You are never to old for the push bike.
I am walking the Camino in 5 years.
I saw this Forest Witch on my hike yesterday.
Thank u D for sharing what h feel.


----------



## dither

*OKAY:*

Think bike think trike ape-hangers and smack-hat. Bivvy and sleeping bag stowed on the back, freedom to roam, nights outdoors then heading back home. 

Unhindered, I think, well, I know, I could go for that. Even at this time of year and at my age. What the hell? Why not? Well, road-safety for one. Too many narrow bendy country lanes with blind corners and too many young hot-heads, not knowing what's around  those corners, driving too fast for their own good.

And suppose, if I DID get a bike; Forget about three wheels, two would do. Not sure about those collapseable fold-up jobbies and what about in the event of a breakdown? Not me, the bike. The potential for hitting a pot-hole, going arse over tit into who knows what or where. Or who even. Punctures, buckled wheels, broken chains and what ever else. Shit happens.

But at the very least, on a good day, I'd get to free-wheel the down-hills and pedal along the levels.

Also, where would I keep it at home? I wouldn't want a dirty greasy bike standing in my kitchen and anyway, there isn't room. I could get a small shed for a lock-up but it would probably be dismantled and carted away in the dead of night, on the very thing that I was trying to secure. A win-double for some canny opportunist. No my estate isn't the worst ever, as council housing estates go, it's probably better than most. It's just the way of things.

Life eh?

dither.


----------



## dither

*Tablets:*

I've bought one, wouldn't have the faintest idea how to switch one on even but they made they it look so easy in the promo. I would like to put a blog out there. It's not something that I could post in here. Will wait and see how it goes with the tablet.


----------



## Gofa

Find “you tube” and watch a video on how to use your tablet   In library look helpless some kind soul will make it happen and then look for free wifi areas like McDonalds  OPI

Other Peoples Interner

more soon meaning i will write soon   There is so much trying to get out that Im log jammed


----------



## Gofa

they say a picture is worth a thousand words 

i aint got a thousand words right now buddy so a picture will have to do instead

PS D  my name is Russell and the last time i ate chips was three hours ago

By the way it was good for me    I keep forgetting vinegar but another story


----------



## dither

GOFA, I don't know when I last ate chips. I don't do that any more, don't know why, I just don't. Don't do much of anything really. Found myself admiring a bike yesterday while I was waiting for a bus. Dithering.

I could go into the library with my tablet if/when it ever arrives. Mail order. Trouble is, I can't/won't ask for help. If I can't figure it out it, I have such high hopes for the "easy to follow" book that comes with it,  could just end up with my desk-top. I have a perfectly good desk-top and I can't get it set up for internet. Life can really be a bitch sometimes. So frustrating but there it is.

Would love to go out with tablet and maybe take a few pics but that's just "pie in the sky" right now.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> GOFA, I don't know when I last ate chips. I don't do that any more, don't know why, I just don't. Don't do much of anything really. Found myself admiring a bike yesterday while I was waiting for a bus. Dithering.
> 
> I could go into the library with my tablet if/when it ever arrives. Mail order. Trouble is, I can't/won't ask for help. If I can't figure it out it, I have such high hopes for the "easy to follow" book that comes with it,  could just end up with my desk-top. I have a perfectly good desk-top and I can't get it set up for internet. Life can really be a bitch sometimes. So frustrating but there it is.
> 
> Would love to go out with tablet and maybe take a few pics but that's just "pie in the sky" right now.


I know first hand how electronics can frustrate. I have a type of energy that my body emits that fries electronics. I have lost countless kindles,,,laptops and phones due to letting my frustration get the better of me and in turn,,,blows up my electronics. I have gotten this better under control in the past few years. D,,,when your tablet finally arrives,,try to let yourself ask for help if needed. I promise u there will a cute librarian that will want nothing more to help a senior citizen w his electronics. She will feel like she is helping her Grandfather whom she saw struggle just as u are. Work it D. Work what u got…. Looking so forward to seeing your pics when u get the kinks worked out. Hugs u D.


----------



## dither

No cuties here Rose I'm afraid. Adopt a grandad? Nah, don't think so. Like I said, I shall sit myself down with the book and a couple of tinnies, like those green ones in my avatar, and I shall try to make some sense of it.
I often self-medicate when I'm reading, I love that expression, when I'm reading. I find that it helps me to read more slowly
As for helpful librarians there's one, a woman,  she's older than I am , a bit of a fusspot actually, and I really like her. Whatever I'm doing, just browsing the book-shelves even, she checks that I'm okay. Asks if she can help any way. I just respond with a polite "yes thank you, I'm okay".
I asked her once how she managed to be so cheerful all the time, she just smiled and shrugged it off.

Thanks for the response Rose. If I could eventually get the hang of the tablet. Taking and posting pics etc. I would love to put some up in here. One can dream I suppose.

dither.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> No cuties here Rose I'm afraid. Adopt a grandad? Nah, don't think so. Like I said, I shall sit myself down with the book and a couple of tinnies, like those green ones in my avatar, and I shall try to make some sense of it.
> I often self-medicate when I'm reading, I love that expression, when I'm reading. I find that it helps me to read more slowly
> As for helpful librarians there's one, a woman,  she's older than I am , a bit of a fusspot actually, and I really like her. Whatever I'm doing, just browsing the book-shelves even, she checks that I'm okay. Asks if she can help any way. I just respond with a polite "yes thank you, I'm okay".
> I asked her once how she managed to be so cheerful all the time, she just smiled and shrugged it off.
> 
> Thanks for the response Rose. If I could eventually get the hang of the tablet. Taking and posting pics etc. I would love to put some up in here. One can dream I suppose.
> 
> dither.


I can see your dream. If you dream it,,,you can be it. I have faith you will understand the tablet. I know we will see the pics on here one day. And while we wait,,,we will enjoy Dithering with you thru your stories/posts/adventures.


----------



## dither

Sorry Rose, I wasn't able to work it out, can't believe I thought for one moment that I would. Didn't get beyond page one of the "oh so easy to follow" how to use booklet. It's a fail I'm afraid. will hopefully make a nice christmas present for some young family member.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> Sorry Rose, I wasn't able to work it out, can't believe I thought for one moment that I would. Didn't get beyond page one of the "oh so easy to follow" how to use booklet. It's a fail I'm afraid. will hopefully make a nice christmas present for some young family member.


How about watching some YOU TUBE videos first like GOFA suggested. He is correct that they make a YOU TUBE video for absolutely everything. Just make sure to find the model you have. Then watch as many times as u need as they walk u thru the steps. Forget the paper instructions as they can b so confusing.


----------



## dither

Rose, it seems as though I'm forever apologising nowadays. I would have to have a computer showing video help for my tab while I tried to work it all out. Also, and this really pees me off, I just walked past a shop window that had re-cons on sale, with six months warranty, and they weren't beyond my pocket. But even so; Rose I've already GOT a working desk-top that I'm not able to get set up. I'd happily pay someone to do it for me.

I don't see me getting my own internet access any time soon if ever. I shall just carry on  planting my backside in a library chair somewhere and have an hour online where-ever and whenever I can.


----------



## River Rose

Editing bc in forgot to hit reply


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> Rose, it seems as though I'm forever apologising nowadays. I would have to have a computer showing video help for my tab while I tried to work it all out. Also, and this really pees me off, I just walked past a shop window that had re-cons on sale, with six months warranty, and they weren't beyond my pocket. But even so; Rose I've already GOT a working desk-top that I'm not able to get set up. I'd happily pay someone to do it for me.
> 
> I don't see me getting my own internet access any time soon if ever. I shall just carry on  planting my backside in a library chair somewhere and have an hour online where-ever and whenever I can.


Well,,,we will b here to support u in whatever way u decide to hop on the internet. Wether it b home or library. Alway waiting w an eager ear to hear your adventures also stories.


----------



## Gofa

Gidday D   Im doing my walking in between the lines this time

The stars are how i tell whats me and what be your words   If i was clever i would colour but sadly not in this  
*

When I retired I'd had plans, was looking forward to days of un-hurried leisurely bus-riding. Getting on and off busses, just for the hell of it. I would be entitled to a free bus-pass and boy was I going to milk that mother, but it never happened. 

*
I just googled  How do I get a senior bus pass in England 


			how do i get a senior bus pass in england - Google Search
		

And the how yo internet based application appeared driven by you post code to define area you live 

Hope this helps and as of now Sir Knight your Quest is the Holy Grail of a bus pass

*

I've never been very good at asking for help and putting my hand up for any kind of benefit, 

*

I hear you but but but 
There is a point where you go ask cause you dont know 
I dont want to look like everything is easy for me D  Others watching through out my life have often commented but shit they dont live in my head   they just look at me from the outside

Thing is when i became a solo parent i had to ask and often. Example being the Super Market, as to which girlie products I need take home as requested.  Standing in the aisle looking helpless for long enough  was a beginning. Finally please can you help me here  

The bus pass can be done on line so its time and attention and each failure is just another step closer to success

*

despite the fact that in the whole my working life that spanned over fifty years I've never claimed unemployment, or any other kind of benefit. Yes, I've paid my dues, but I just couldn't go there and now I realise that It doesn't matter any more.

*

Hopefully the tablet is to key to this door 

*

Through out the last what, fifteen years of full time employment, I'd spent so much time, clocked up so many miles, out of necessity riding busses. My work-place was an eight mile bus-ride away. Also, since I bought a weekly bus-pass I was doing my shopping out of town simply because the bus-rides would be freebies. Bonus.
Although I had ridden the busses back and forth to and from work out of necessity the rides were affording me easy ,relaxing "me time" .Time to think, time to ponder, well, time itself. Life. MY life. Things, situations, people, the world, universe even. Is there anybodeeee'yout there?
As the miles whizzed by in a blur I became mesmerised almost, not wanting my journey to end. Just to remain seated and go around and around again and again. I think about that a lot. But that was then and this is the here and now.
And in the now, I'm tired, so tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Drained, I feel drained. I don't stray far from home nowadays. I shop for supplies as and when the need arises and I have my local library.
Life eh?

*

This is all doable

Steps start at emailing me at gofa_nz@hotmail.com  and from there a two way discussion on what next gets stuff done 

Simply done I dont see why I cant fill out all the stuff needed on the internet and you get a bus pass. Might not be this simple but if not we will skin the cat another way 
*

I would like to re-visit those little villages, I really would. Y'know? For a while I got myself all fired up about getting myself a push-bike. One of those fold-up jobbies even, but that's another story, another time perhaps.

*
me too buddy i would like to see this 

I would like to help make this happen Sir Knight if you will let me please 

i draw you attention to Liam Neeson in taken 

I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career.

more soon

G


----------



## dither

GOFA, I can't you tell how reading that post makes feel. Thank you so much.

I shall start at the top and work down:

Just a few metres back from where I  sit  lovely old woman who I think of, affectionally , as an old mother hen, forever  clucking. In fact she approached where I'm sitting just a minute ago, cluck'cluck'cluck!, to ask if everything was okay and did I need any help, and as I type I can hear her fussing around others in the nicest possible way. I used to struggle with the log-in process but now it has been simplified to such an extent that even I can do it, but still she hovers and it IS kind of nice. Well, I'm sure that she would be more than happy to process  a bus-pass application for me but if I got my pass, I just could not/WOULD NOT present it to a bus-driver. It just makes me, it all seems so "cap in hand", y'know? GOFA, it isn't gonna happen. I'm sorry.

The point where I need to go ask, oh god, that thought is too awful to contemplate.

I can't believe I even thought of getting a Tablet. The setting-up process is so out of my reach. Sometimes I think we just do such stupid things to remind ourselves of our limitations. I'm sorry to seem so negative but  I'm such a defeatist,, more apologising, I'm sorry.

Liam Neeson? Taken? You've lost me there. A metaphor perhaps?

Yes, it is easy to look at how well, how easily, others seem to deal with stuff, taking so much in their stride, but I really do envy you GOFA, if  only for your mindset. The thing is: You've had your share of crap to deal with through out your life, crap that you couldn't hide from. You had to it on, and gave it you best shot. Probably a pretty GOOD shot at that. And you survived. I always played it safe, never took chances, didn't put myself out there. Always on the outside looking in. I got by and that was enough.

GOFA, this last hour, well, 52 minutes actually, has been an absolute pleasure and now I must go.

regards, 

dither.


----------



## Gofa

I hear you buddy 
love reading your words some how they resonate
and Im there beside you looking over your shoulder
Ms Hen seems a real cutie  
tell her you described her to a friend 
and he thinks youre lovely
or D
you could ask her to find a video on your tablet “ how to “
Clint East is this posts movie reference
Go ahead D make her day


----------



## dither

Lol GOFA, "make her day" indeed.

You have much to answer for. That last time I was in here I left in such good spirits that as I got up to go having logged out and switching off; Walking past the friendly  librarian-mum sitting at her work-station I said to her  casually, and quite breezily actually,  I still can't believe that I did this, "enjoy your day".
" Thank you, I will." She replied and from somewhere among the book-shelves a young woman's voice sent out a "thank yooou!" in  sing-songy  tones.

GOFA, that is sooo not me. I don't "do" nice. And I don't "do" pleasantries. It is enough that she recognises me, there was a time when I would stop going to a place because... someone recognised me. I can't be or having others forming any kind of attachment. The next thing you know we'll be on first name terms and really... NO'NO'NO,  that isn't going to happen.

I am nothing if not polite and courteous, treat people as I would like to be treated, and I think, sometimes, that can lead to... well... "things". Enough said, I think.

As for the tablet, GOFA, I really wish I hadn't started this. I KNOW, my fault. Maybe I'm a bit of a fantasist. I let my imagination run away with me sometimes. Just supposing I DID find someone to set it up for me. An all singing all dancing and good to go. I don't know if I could ever find the courage to switch it on, really, I am such a wimp. Never say never I suppose... and... who knows?... maybe?  It's on the shelf  and that's the best I can do right now.

And as for the bus-pass. I don't use buses much nowadays and when I do everything just whizzes by in a blur. I want to be "out there", hearing feeling smelling the air, "feet in the street" experiencing, y'know?

We'll see.

dithering.


----------



## Gofa

We’ll see agreed 

so lets look

i will write outside the forum lest or is it least it all goes away 

more soon D

just to set the tone
i shy from writing cause it brings the sadness closer a sadness closer perhaps redemption in seeing an a in this sentence fitting better

more follows


----------



## dither

Gofa,

I look forward to the ' more soon D '. Can't tell you how much I miss your writings. You seem to have lead, to lead, such a full and active life while in my lifetime I have done nothing, seen nothing, been nowhere and now I'm just marking time.

And now? Best not go there.
Was considering, and I just MIGHT, start a thread, if I can do that, reflecting  my old age ditherings living in isolation but I don't want embark upon a whingeathon. Which is what it would probably turn into.

It seems as though all my life, in my thoughtlessness/selfishness/call it what you will, how did that Tom Robinson song go? 'only the young and the very beautiful.....' I held people at arms length and, in effect, kept the world, kept life itself, at bay. Those chickens are coming home to roost, my bed is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and I only have myself to blame.

If I could just get internet at home it would help. My only two interests, outside of WF, are both internet based and I can't visit those sites in the library.

You know? I read in a tabloid recently where an old person phoned his local GP's surgery for an appointment and was told that appts could only arranged online.
' What if I don't have a computer?' Asked the old man.
'FIND one'. He was told.

Was searching online a few minutes ago for internet cafes in my area. Remember those? And actually found a couple but I suspect that they might just turn out to be cafes offering free wi-fi.

The minutes seem to have snuck away and my session is almost up. If only life was like that.


Life eh Gofa?

dither.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> Gofa,
> 
> I look forward to the ' more soon D '. Can't tell you how much I miss your writings. You seem to have lead, to lead, such a full and active life while in my lifetime I have done nothing, seen nothing, been nowhere and now I'm just marking time.
> 
> And now? Best not go there.
> Was considering, and I just MIGHT, start a thread, if I can do that, reflecting  my old age ditherings living in isolation but I don't want embark upon a whingeathon. Which is what it would probably turn into.
> 
> It seems as though all my life, in my thoughtlessness/selfishness/call it what you will, how did that Tom Robinson song go? 'only the young and the very beautiful.....' I held people at arms length and, in effect, kept the world, kept life itself, at bay. Those chickens are coming home to roost, my bed is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and I only have myself to blame.
> 
> If I could just get internet at home it would help. My only two interests, outside of WF, are both internet based and I can't visit those sites in the library.
> 
> You know? I read in a tabloid recently where an old person phoned his local GP's surgery for an appointment and was told that appts could only arranged online.
> ' What if I don't have a computer?' Asked the old man.
> 'FIND one'. He was told.
> 
> Was searching online a few minutes ago for internet cafes in my area. Remember those? And actually found a couple but I suspect that they might just turn out to be cafes offering free wi-fi.
> 
> The minutes seem to have snuck away and my session is almost up. If only life was like that.
> 
> 
> Life eh Gofa?
> 
> dither.


Love you both.


----------



## dither

How's it going Rose? All good with you I hope.
I'm  afraid that the older I get the more grouchy I become, with absolutely no faith in any thing or any one. The original grinch I'm afraid. I'm sat here in my local library typing this out because, having travelled out of town in search of those internet-cafes, shoulda known better, and, having drawing a blank on both counts, one address that I visited  now sells car-parts and the other is  a Deli. I am  killing time until the next bus home is due.  

 Christmas greetings to WF and fellow members I guess, although  It's  not really my thing. I might post a summary of what a dither Christmas day looks like just to give some idea of how it is with me. I don't harbour any bad feelings towards Christmas on either religious  or social grounds, I just don't think about it much apart from the unpleasantness that it causes. Can't NOT think about something like that, Christmas I mean, would I WANT to? Probably not. Each to one's own eh? 

Actually, maybe I shouldn't think about things so much, yes there are charities out there  striving, trying to help the less advantaged, but it's a time when social inequalities couldn't be made more real, and so  stark, it's everywhere and it isn't pretty. Jesus! when did I get so socially aware and politically inclined?

I'm starting to have strong political views regarding the treatment old people. Mainly because..... I'm old..... I suppose. Old age is nothing but a shit-fest in my very honest opinion. Sure it's okay for some but it's not for everybody. Best leave that alone I think. 

Come on Gofa: More soon. For D eh? 
All good with you to I hope.
Maybe you'll give us a run-down on your Christmas. You to Rose. All of you, come on you guys. What does Christmas look like to you?  Mmmmm?

Regards, dither.


----------



## River Rose

dither said:


> How's it going Rose? All good with you I hope.
> I'm  afraid that the older I get the more grouchy I become, with absolutely no faith in any thing or any one. The original grinch I'm afraid. I'm sat here in my local library typing this out because, having travelled out of town in search of those internet-cafes, shoulda known better, and, having drawing a blank on both counts, one address that I visited  now sells car-parts and the other is  a Deli. I am  killing time until the next bus home is due.
> 
> Christmas greetings to WF and fellow members I guess, although  It's  not really my thing. I might post a summary of what a dither Christmas day looks like just to give some idea of how it is with me. I don't harbour any bad feelings towards Christmas on either religious  or social grounds, I just don't think about it much apart from the unpleasantness that it causes. Can't NOT think about something like that, Christmas I mean, would I WANT to? Probably not. Each to one's own eh?
> 
> Actually, maybe I shouldn't think about things so much, yes there are charities out there  striving, trying to help the less advantaged, but it's a time when social inequalities couldn't be made more real, and so  stark, it's everywhere and it isn't pretty. Jesus! when did I get so socially aware and politically inclined?
> 
> I'm starting to have strong political views regarding the treatment old people. Mainly because..... I'm old..... I suppose. Old age is nothing but a shit-fest in my very honest opinion. Sure it's okay for some but it's not for everybody. Best leave that alone I think.
> 
> Come on Gofa: More soon. For D eh?
> All good with you to I hope.
> Maybe you'll give us a run-down on your Christmas. You to Rose. All of you, come on you guys. What does Christmas look like to you?  Mmmmm?
> 
> Regards, dither.


As a mom of 8 Christmas is a controlled chaos…
Lol. 
Noise, food, people talking over each other. 
Laughter 
Yet,,,this past year has been difficult 
I am navigating life as a single woman and mother. It’s not easy. I did not see my life going in this direction. 
Yet,,,to get me where I need to be it had to take this coarse. 
I am a healer by trade. 
I just did not realize what that meant for myself. Only others.
I am learning. 
I am a wild child, a hot mess. I love hard. I work hard. I am a hiker. I will never give up even when I want to and think my tank is empty and had nothing left to give. I will still give. 
Christmas is in my heart and soul.
Even when it looks different. 
As I grow 
As my family grows. 
I am me. 
Reiki on


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## Gofa

Dither   Im serious here  please email me at gofa_nz@hotmail.com 
im writing to you as requested but i need an email address

you gave it to me many years ago and i sent my book through to or part of it anyway

please buddy


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## Gofa

Ok D im going to tell you my life as best i can 

My trouble D is being truth full

I struggle to admit the reality within which i live 
Both in terms of my physical circumstances and those that encompass all else

Firstly   
The effort in self denial i spend way to much time trying to ignore the obvious

I am a chameleon drawn to any colours in my surrounds

Water seeking shape in any container near me as shape attracts

Such containers brings purpose function and service  meaning a role to adopt like an actor but no pretend

In being of service to others i receive a reason to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous that occupy my mind all too often and to fix a few wrongs while I wait for the bus to carry me home D

a friend and past client got into a serious position when betrayed by a trusted advisor
i stepped in right a few wrongs   Im good in unstructured environments where its all turning to shit  

Remember Taken    I have special skills mostly taught by experience over a long professional career  

Maybe if i write a little further on this as i will see my own message in a bottle as i flip flop from outer to my inner life

A bit of inner

My wife has been prescribed pregabalin and amitriptyline for pain, nerve disorder, and to better support low pain thresholds

I am a physical empath and as such i resonate with those in close proximity 

I D am oh so comfortably numb
But on a closer review not so truly comfortable
A fog of miasma the slow seduction into all is fine just a little more sleep drowse upon the couch. Relax every day is Sunday

Is this my complaint D
Nuh
This is the symptom of my complaint

You see from my peaceful foggy repose i do see clearly.

Fuck how much of my life has not fully been me

Am I a liquorice all sort with core liquorice but but but
Just so many all sorts, externally added into my life by those that are here and near, pretty much a revolving door of inner influence.

Enough of this i can only dwell upon these levels of happiness for so long 

I have paused and nos type the one note song of the air frier
Yes D is cooking Chips
Big Fat Chips other wise known as BFCs
Im not trying to thin shame shoe string fries but lets face it they are much to do about nothing
Menage a Trios or don’t bother  its a three some or little is the point with an emphasis on little 

They are good D
10 minutes in Air Frier and salt 
Life simple pleasures 

im in crisis D 
the chips have gone cold or at least not hot enough
Back into the frier
and im going looking for vinegar

will post and write further after chips are gone
they deserve my full concentration


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## Gofa

Continuation 

The chip reheat worked a charm D and i found some white vinegar as i mentioned    Damn they were nice

More Exterior Things

I have spent the last year stabilising and then selling a manufacturing company for a friend and thereby avoiding his bankruptcy. A very scary exercise and looking back  pretty unbelievable as to the good outcome. Still i accept the win and i did well as i had lent my friend money to buy the company four years ago and from its sale i was repaid.

Okay last year had it stresses. My wife was admitted to hospital for observation diagnostics etc after attending a doctors appointment. I was over on the Coast 3 hours drive away when she rang. Shit of a drive as not killing myself over driving home was a thing of real concentration.

The hospital visit and overnight stay was just scary. The blind leading the blind. No one knew anything and it was likes Dads Army. 

I started off listening to the Charge Nurse babble on and finally at the end of his spiel I asked do you know why my wife is here

I got a lot of bullshit babble back. So i asked again adding because I do and it appears you dont and if you are supposed to be in charge its probably a good idea that you do. She is here for a CAT Scan

Oh dear i had not made a friend at that point

The guy in next curtained off area came in for evaluation and explained he thought he had broken both his wrists falling in the shower. 3 hours later a porter came to transfer him to have a chest XRay

I was shrieking with laughter honestly 

These people lied like children when questioned with hurt looks upon their faces. It was sad Oh no the specialists will be with you shortly.  Oh no they wont. I watched them leave as we arrived. No they are here.  Buddy go and check just like i have done no one is coming till morning. We are here for a CAT Scan I struggle to believe it can be staffed 24/7. Oh yes it runs all night.   

I overheard  “there is a difficult husband in number 4”

Specialist with two wingmen arrived at 8am. Started to ask my wife questions.

I intervened and asked the same question as earlier.  
Do you know why my wife is here. More babble

Next question from me.  Do you have the referral letters from the heart specialist and  my wife’s GP.
Let me check   Wingmen fluff around.   

Is that a no ?
Would you like to read the copies i had forwarded to me 
Ahhhh yes
So i pass over my ipad and he reads 

5 minutes later he prescribes different blood pressure meds and is gone. Got to show he responded medically in some way. Last question   Is the CAT scan operating on a week end. No only during the week. Just as i thought

Your not going to stop us leaving right now are you

No

Good

Mac Donalds drive through on the way home
What a Shit Show


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## Gofa

next is toys
this is live from security camera on the new house being built on the other side of the island
remote and pretty much as rural as you can get and still be 20 minutes from the supermarket etc etc


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## dither

Well, for what it's worth, mine was..... ugly:
Gofa I shall return to your latest posts when I have the time that they deserve. For now I shall respond to Rose's. Your Christmases sound like fun Rose and, I'd bet, you're one helluva host. I wouldn't last in your company for more than a minute. My miserable, down at heel, cowed disposition would drive you insane. And, I suspect, your need to pull me out of that hole, like the hermit crab that I am, would send running for the hills.

I have to be brief because I'm on a timer here. Once again, I apologise to you Gofa. You given me much to think about.

Okay:  MY CHRISTMAS.

I went to bed at around 10.30 on the 24th of Dec and woke at around 2.00. on the morning of the 25th. You'll notice, I'm sure, the deliberate omission there. There I lie curled up in my bed until my phone alarm went off at 7.30.on the morning of the 25th. to let me know that I might as well get up now. Night-time now gone. So far so "same as", just another day.

Visitors were expected for lunch, I had no intention of being there and would be out of the house by eleven am. but were do you go? What you do? On the 25th of December. I decide that I would go walking. I would re-visit one of those walks that I done way back in the summer and so, at the ascribed time, with a light lunch stowed in my backpack, I got my feet in the street and pounded tarmac.

As I strolled through, even in winter, pretty chocolate-box villages and and allowed the whole country experience to wash over me, I looked for things I'd seen and remembered from last time that I'd passed through.

Those two enormous, well, they seemed enormous to me, plastic Kangaroos, a mother with a young one. Peering out from behind a five bar gate. Hi Sheila. Joey!

The quaint little book and seed exchange housed in one of those age old red telephone-boxes. And the other one with the Defibrillator.

The headless plastic owl was still standing guard over what was now a rather bedraggled and neglected looking bunch of Brussel sprouts standing head and shoulders above the weeds

*AND THEN, IT GOT UGLY.*

Somehow, somewhere, i had taken a wrong turn, and suddenly I found myself in unfamiliar territory. I was, in a word, lost. Bigtime.

I wasn't too concerned to begin with. Just keep bearing left as I came to junctions or crossroads', I reasoned,  and I must surely, eventually, come full circle. Seemple! Yeah right. The long straight country roads seemed to go on for ever, as they do when you've been walking for hours. And every dog-leg or S-bend led to another long one. I was getting tired. Parts of my body were starting to hurt. I mean seriously. And I had no idea where I was. Eventually I DID come to a turn-off that signed posted a town that I actually knew. I also knew that that town was about seven miles from my home-town. As I paused to look up at the road-sign I consciously stood bolt upright trying to ease the pains in my body. Toes were chafing and I was concerned that I have a blister before I got home,_ IF i got home. My shoulders_ were aching, the backs of my legs felt as though they barbed wire inside them. I was starting to get a pain in my groin, left side, and the Doubts were  starting to creep in.. Could I DO this? 

Blanketed horses, forlorn looking, looked on as I passed them by. Someone told me once that she went to walk her horses every day because they can get depressed. Really? Who knew? It would suffice to say that I didn't see any horse-owners in attendance. I did see a car in a ditch on one of those dog-legs. "Police aware".

When I got to Bunton, only seven miles to go, UGH! I needed to rest but my mind said no, keep going. If I stopped and rested might I not get back on my feet? It was THAT bad but I couldn't not. I got to the main road leading out of there and heading homeward, found a bus-stop shelter and rested. Oh man, when my arse hit that cold narrow hard plastic seat, I can't tell you. The  pain and relief, the sheer joy of stopping and taking the weight of my feet hit me with such a rush it was, for a moment, quite overwhelming. I shrugged off my backpack and savoured every crumb of those two hot crossed buns that I'd carried with me all that way, but I still had so many miles still to run down, I couldn't linger. Fighting a desperate need to stay and rest, yes, I was feeling desperate, I got my self in a vertical position and stumbled on. I would drink my can of Taurus pear as I walked, and if I got arrested for consuming alcohol in public well fuck them.

Walking along the six miles of the A-road that would lead me home was a killer. I walked under a concrete bridge some five miles out and I really thought about hunkering down right there and wait until morning. I was hobbling now. Through two more towns and even walking DOWN the hill leading into my hometown was absolute hell. Are you familiar with the term "pigeon-feet"? As I shuffled through the cemetery close to where I live, my head was swimming, stomach churning. It felt as though I was  treading water _Walking up my street,_ I still wasn't sure that I wouldn't collapse in a heap at any moment and not make it back. But I didn't and I did.

I walked through the front door. First job, put the kettle on. A mug of builders tea was very much the order of the day. Hot, strong, and sweet. A bit like me really. I can joke about it now, but.......

I drained the teabag from my mug and walked into the living-room, put the mug down on the floor and sat down beside it. Laughed out loud as I removed first one boot then other. That feeling, oh the joy and the pleasure, of that moment, ecstatic, euphoric even, will endure, I'm sure. I sat long enough to drink my tea, another one of life's often unspoken pleasures and then, I slowly layed myself down, flat to the boards, and closed my eyes, smiling from ear to ear.

" Don't ask ". I told her, in tones that I would hope and believe conveyed how I was feeling, as she sat looking at the telly. Just ....don't. She didn't..... 

Happy daze, not.

dither.


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## Gofa

Well that was a little scary   Im good for 30 minutes tops on my feet   After that it all gets a little pain as my right knee
is missing cartilage
i honestly can swin further than i can walk which i try to do three times a week
ive been exposed physically like you speak of a few times and yes you giggle after
oh shit I made t lololololol

i send you a private
 message click on the enevelope in the screen heading banner

its 4.30 am   I P Knightly
and thereafter its best i resume sleeping

im still doing the math 7 back more than 7 miles before
thats more than my drive to the swimming centre
thats a long way Dither
well done  well survived

can I suggest bread crumbs or a long piece of string
as options for finding your way home

PS   Do one thing a day that scares you

you have ticked that box eh


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## River Rose

Gofa said:


> Well that was a little scary   Im good for 30 minutes tops on my feet   After that it all gets a little pain as my right knee
> is missing cartilage
> i honestly can swin further than i can walk which i try to do three times a week
> ive been exposed physically like you speak of a few times and yes you giggle after
> oh shit I made t lololololol
> 
> i send you a private
> message click on the enevelope in the screen heading banner
> 
> its 4.30 am   I P Knightly
> and thereafter its best i resume sleeping
> 
> im still doing the math 7 back more than 7 miles before
> thats more than my drive to the swimming centre
> thats a long way Dither
> well done  well survived
> 
> can I suggest bread crumbs or a long piece of string
> as options for finding your way home
> 
> PS   Do one thing a day that scares you
> 
> you have ticked that box eh


Well D that was quite the Christmas Day adventure. Lol. I know those “pains” u speak of stetting in on a long walk. I am a hiker and altho I hike 6 to 7 miles a day,,,those body aches strat to set in everytime. Me thinking,,,”well,,,this one may b it. I may not make it back to the van and someone will stumble upon my frozen body in a few day” lol. Yet, I am back at the forest the next day to do it all again. 
So I first hand know what u went thru on that 7 mile walk home. U mentally have to talk yourself thru it at that point. The walk has lost all fun and now it’s just survival to get where u need to b.  Well,,,just one more holiday to get thru for the year. I am officially holidayed out. I am ready to return to a holiday free life. Lol. Get my kids back to school and this mamma back to work. At least it’s a schedule that keeps everyone busy where they should b and doing what they should b doing.
I don’t know if I ever told u this D,,,but one of my son’s (I have 2,,,2 boys and 6 girls),,,has Type 1 diabetes. He was diagnosed 2 yrs ago this Jan 13. So that is an added struggle that we deal w on a daily basis here. He started an insulin pump in Sept and altho we had had some issues,,,his blood glucose numbers have gotten much better,lower also stable. Life is never easy is it D. There is always a curve or a lesson to learn. 
looking forward to reading your reply to Gofa. 
More soon D.


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## dither

Rose, Gofa, when I do the maths, I'm shocked. I feel sure that I must have walked near on twenty miles that day. As I strolled through the village where the headless owl stands guard and out the other end I reckon I was about six miles away from home before I realised that I'd taken a wrong turn. I'm sure that I'd walked farther than that before I got to the sign that said two miles to Bunton which IS six or seven miles from home. 
I know I'm being silly but having got home after my last session in the library I realised that there gaping holes in that post and like to try to flesh it out a bit. I mean, this is a writing forum right?


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## River Rose

dither said:


> Rose, Gofa, when I do the maths, I'm shocked. I feel sure that I must have walked near on twenty miles that day. As I strolled through the village where the headless owl stands guard and out the other end I reckon I was about six miles away from home before I realised that I'd taken a wrong turn. I'm sure that I'd walked farther than that before I got to the sign that said two miles to Bunton which IS six or seven miles from home.
> I know I'm being silly but having got home after my last session in the library I realised that there gaping holes in that post and like to try to flesh it out a bit. I mean, this is a writing forum right?


I would love to meet the headless owl..
Maybe he saw to much 

Whoooo knows 
I would like to find out.


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## dither

Gofa said:


> next is toys
> this is live from security camera on the new house being built on the other side of the island
> remote and pretty much as rural as you can get and still be 20 minutes from the supermarket etc etc
> View attachment 30196


That's one helluva postcard Gofa.


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## dither

River Rose said:


> Well D that was quite the Christmas Day adventure. Lol. I know those “pains” u speak of stetting in on a long walk. I am a hiker and altho I hike 6 to 7 miles a day,,,those body aches strat to set in everytime. Me thinking,,,”well,,,this one may b it. I may not make it back to the van and someone will stumble upon my frozen body in a few day” lol. Yet, I am back at the forest the next day to do it all again.
> So I first hand know what u went thru on that 7 mile walk home. U mentally have to talk yourself thru it at that point. The walk has lost all fun and now it’s just survival to get where u need to b.  Well,,,just one more holiday to get thru for the year. I am officially holidayed out. I am ready to return to a holiday free life. Lol. Get my kids back to school and this mamma back to work. At least it’s a schedule that keeps everyone busy where they should b and doing what they should b doing.
> I don’t know if I ever told u this D,,,but one of my son’s (I have 2,,,2 boys and 6 girls),,,has Type 1 diabetes. He was diagnosed 2 yrs ago this Jan 13. So that is an added struggle that we deal w on a daily basis here. He started an insulin pump in Sept and altho we had had some issues,,,his blood glucose numbers have gotten much better,lower also stable. Life is never easy is it D. There is always a curve or a lesson to learn.
> looking forward to reading your reply to Gofa.
> More soon D.


Yeah, there's always something  huh!
I've been looking in on my mother for just over a year now, she's in here eighties and ..... I'm finding it hard going.
 Screwing up Is a big worry I can tell you.
Too much information there. I've edited.
Makes me want to just run away from my life but to what? Where would I GO? And how?
It looks as though Gofa has his share of crap to deal with also.
Reckon we just got to hang in there Rose.


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## Gofa

Look in messages
i fixed the email


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