# Paradigm ( 1000 words )



## Fivetide (Sep 9, 2014)

_*I thought I would just jump in and hope for some feedback, there’s no point in me writing continually if I’m making obvious mistakes all the time._


The tiny girl skipped merrily across the arid  floor, pink striped plimsolls with oversized shoe laces kicked up  swirling mini dust clouds. 
She suddenly stopped, placing hands upon  knees, head bowed. Two waist length blonde pigtails tied with pink  stripe ribbons, swayed lethargically.
“I know you’re here”, a childish voice proclaimed, “you know you can’t hide from me?”
The girl looked around, pale blue eyes scanning the landscape. She  cocked her head from side to side as if listening for a pets bark, then  with a small hand, reached to her freckled face and wrinkled an itchy  button nose. “So there you are?” She giggled.
She continued her skipping towards a small lake. Kneeling down in the  sandy soil at its edge, she began to pat the glutinous black liquid  which filled it. “Hello, hello Mr naughty”. Once again she waited,  listening for a reply. “Mr naughty I know you’re there, don’t let me get  angry with you”.
A pallid yellow sun shone from a purple sky and reflected in the Onyx coloured liquid.
The tiny girl straightened up still kneeling and folded her arms, “you really are a naughty little robot aren’t you?”
Just then ripples appeared, seeming to emanate from the sun’s  reflection, the ground around the girl started to vibrate, small pebbles  hopped up and down excited by an unseen force.
She stood, unfolded her arms and brushed dust from her pink striped bustled dress.
The lake’s dark viscous liquid, began to froth and then appeared to  boil. The ripples turning to small waves, became larger and taller, when  suddenly the surface exploded like an enormous geyser. The lakes oily  liquid cascaded down like waterfalls from the mountain that had suddenly  appeared at its centre. A pair of bright red Demon-like eyes burst  open, arms began to spread wide along with two enormous black bat type  wings. The monster obscured the suns timid rays, its shadow enveloping  the tiny child.
The little girl arched her back in an attempt to take in the full sight  of this massive, dull black, monolithic creature. She began to jump up  and down, dress and ponytails bouncing, clapping her minute pale hands  in excitement, “I knew you were in there all along, I was just playing  with you”.
The steel titan eyes now blazed with anger, fists clenched, it lent back  letting out a world shattering roar. Its sheer power rocked the nearby  mountain causing a huge landslide to tumble down its sloped face.  Enormous yellow boulders crashed to the ground splitting the floor with  the force of an earthquake, steam rose from the lands fresh scars.
The pink clad infant just stood impassively staring up into the eyes of the beast. “Who’s a grumpy Bear then?”
The giant monster suddenly shifted, pointing a clenched metal gauntlet  down at her, it instantly turned bright yellow and a powerful bolt of  energy struck where she stood. A massive explosion threw up a plume of  dust and rubble, like a volcanic eruption. As the impact zone cleared,  the Demon stared intensely at its handy work, as if looking for  something or a sign.
“Now that wasn’t nice, bad.. bad robot”, chided the girl’s voice, she  appeared around a rock close to the lakes edge, then skipped out and  stood looking back at him, arms folded, shoulders bunched and a face  like thunder. She tapped the sand with a delicate foot, pink shoe laces  swished with the effort, “now don’t let me have to….” Her sentence was  instantly interrupted by another blinding flash of energy.
The Demon saw the girl appear from behind an outcrop of boulders, and  once again let loose a bolt of death in her direction, they disappeared  along with the child, evaporated by the glowing energy. At the instance  the fireball denoted, she once again appeared from around another rock.  With lightning speed he shot again, and again, but each time the girl  had moved, he continued the onslaught until they were both surrounded by  a dense cloud of dust, and landscape pitted with enormous smouldering  craters.
The world eater, slowly folded its wings and crossed its arms, then  lowered itself back into the black lake until all that could be seen of  it, were the two red eyes, now dimming to a pale light.
As the dust settled the monster looked upon the little girl, sitting on  the lakeside, legs crossed, elbows on knees. Holding her face in her  hands, she gently rocked a cherub like head from side to side, golden  ponytails swinging, the giant ribbons fluttering like enormous pink  butterflies.
She waved a chastising finger at the semi submerged head, “have you  quite finished with your little tantrum?” She asked in a high pitched  voice, “is naughty robot going to play nice now?”
It searched for the missing self-destruct mechanism, like an infant tonguing the gap where a freshly dislodged tooth had been.
Once it had been the centrepiece of an unstoppable army, a world  crushing machine of destruction, leaving nothing but dust in its wake  and spreading fear to those who were lucky enough to survive. After its  escape it had found this remote planet way off the known routes of  travellers. For many millennia, the metal titan had remained dormant,  hidden at the bottom of the lake in a self-imposed prison of liquid. But  now it had been discovered and awakened, and furious at the one that  had found it.
It knew the little child sitting out there, and watched with seething  eyes as the girl started to play with a brightly coloured plastic tea  set, which it noted, had appeared from nowhere.
 The death machine knew anger, and after  many thousands of year’s of existence, believed that a sense of sadness  may also have developed, much to the consternation of its makers, if  they still existed. Now it thought, that’s what I’m feeling, I’m  defiantly sad.
There was no escape, it knew that, and was resigned, if that was what it felt, to whatever came next.
Before it had been enslaved the Demon had searched the universe looking  for its own death, but all the search had produced was the demise of  billions of innocents, whole systems laid to waste, races expunged from  the universe. Now the torture would begin again, the harbinger of its  fate playing like a child in front of him. But he knew behind the  façade, a deranged mind controlled this innocent looking avatar. He  would be forced to revert to his original nature and with it would  return the unspeakable horrors.
A puppet in the hands of an insane master, a weapon used to smash any enemy the manipulator chose.
She held the Orange teapot in a tiny hand, “would you like to play mother?” She asked with an angelic smile upon her face.


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## Misty Mirrors (Sep 9, 2014)

Very descriptive.


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## Fivetide (Sep 10, 2014)

Misty Mirrors said:


> Very descriptive.



A little more feedback might be helpfull lol


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## Deleted member 56686 (Sep 10, 2014)

Okay three things.

1) I'm not much of a critic in the classic sense. I can only real tell you if I like it or not (For the record I do.). Hopefully one of the more experienced readers can give you a more detailed critique.

2) Write continually, even if you are making mistakes. It's the only way you will get better.

3) Now for your excerpt. I really like the story of the little girl stupefying the robot/demon/monster. I'm curious is the demon supposed to be the little girl's mother? Is it some other sort of metaphor?
Whatever it is I sense quite a bit of mystery in this piece. I still get a kick on this mischievous little girl besting the evil demon.


In any event keep writing. Good luck.


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## Fivetide (Sep 10, 2014)

mrmustard615 said:


> Okay three things.
> 
> 1) I'm not much of a critic in the classic sense. I can only real tell you if I like it or not (For the record I do.). Hopefully one of the more experienced readers can give you a more detailed critique.
> 
> ...



mrmustard615 , thank you very much for the review and it was really helpfull. When I wrote the piece I really didn't think of it as a metaphor but your correct, now I think about it that's how without knowing anything else about the story it comes across as. What I suppose I really was aiming for was a paradigm shift, where you set off thinking about this fragile child encountering an evil destructive force only later to realise that it is the Demon that is enslaved by the child.
Once again thank you very much for your feedback its the kind of thing I've been looking for and it really helps me take a look at my writing style and see where I can attempt to improve things.


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## ak2190 (Sep 10, 2014)

The repeated use of "tiny" sounds a little bit obtrusive to me. I think it's the placement. Maybe you can show she is tiny by using other descriptors like emphasizing how oversized her shoes are or by comparing her to something in the environment (like the demon). I think the dialogue tells us she is young and small anyway, but I get the you want to emphasize it.


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## Fivetide (Sep 10, 2014)

ak2190 said:


> The repeated use of "tiny" sounds a little bit obtrusive to me. I think it's the placement. Maybe you can show she is tiny by using other descriptors like emphasizing how oversized her shoes are or by comparing her to something in the environment (like the demon). I think the dialogue tells us she is young and small anyway, but I get the you want to emphasize it.



Thanks ak2190 now I look at it yes I over use the tiny word, I have that in mind when I re write it


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## John Galt (Sep 11, 2014)

I like the concept. 
But:
You used a lot of long sentences, which can be distracting; be careful when using "then" and several commas.  

You used quite a few adverbs (least desirable of which being "suddenly" and "instantly") which I think you should cut out; not indiscriminately, though. Cut out a few, at least. Use stronger verbs.


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## Fivetide (Sep 11, 2014)

Thanks John .. love the feedback I'm getting , this is what I'm here for


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