# Ship Boy



## Riptide (Dec 8, 2014)

The waves around the ship brushed gently against the wood of the boat, pulling it along to an unknown destination. The child aboard followed the seagulls with his eyes as they flew above. He wiped the boards with his broom.

Dust spiraled in the air just to settle back down ahead of his sweeping. But he kept at it. Somehow he felt he needed to. Like he had someone to impress. He stopped to take a breather, wiping the sweat from his brow. In the few seconds it took him the sky had changed. A fog rolled in. A dark, damp one. He froze in his spot then shrugged and continued sweeping. 

The waves grew in force, rapidly tugging the ship through the dense fog, but the boy stayed cleaning. He didn't stop til he reached the ships end. He banged the side if the broom across the wall, following it until he found the cabins. The controls were right above it. He used his broom to stab at the steps, taking them slowly until he got to the flat surface.

He made a drastic right to the center until he felt the rounded steering wheel. He pulled it left. The boat swung, kicking up waves. The boy was flung through the air and crumbled at the boats side. He struggled to stand, but he managed.

The once fog dissipated the farther he went and he smiled, retrieving his fallen broom. The floor had gotten wet by the perspiration in the air so he made that his next task, cleaning the droplets of water.

"Son?" Asked a far away voice from the center of the cabin.

"Caption? Caption!" The boy ran to it, swinging open the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning."

"But why are you all wet?" The caption looked around, then squatted near his cabin boy. "Come with me, I'll get you squared away."

"But dad!" The boat broke apart in the water, leaving his small figure stranded on the sturdy built playground in his backyard. Grass graced all around the set.

"No buts, I told you not to be out when the sprinklers turned on, but you didn't listen. You can play when you're clean."

The boy frowned, but went inside. He couldn't disobey an order from his caption.


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## Plasticweld (Dec 8, 2014)

Very nice, I did not know if you wanted use the nautical terms when describing the directions, stern for end, port for left.  Also spelling on the Captain, you have Caption. 


Nice rhythm, with a very friendly and warm feel to it Rip


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## Olde English (Dec 11, 2014)

What I got from this story is that the reader is supposed to think that the boy is on a ship, only to learn that he is actually playing pretend. I would like to see the story let us know that he was playing pretend, to show us how he gradually morphs the conditions of his natural environment into a boat.


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## Fathoms (Dec 22, 2014)

Olde English said:


> What I got from this story is that the reader is supposed to think that the boy is on a ship, only to learn that he is actually playing pretend. I would like to see the story let us know that he was playing pretend, to show us how he gradually morphs the conditions of his natural environment into a boat.



This reminded me of a sort of *where the wild things are* type of deal. 

You think that going one direction (Fake to real) is better than (Real to fake)?

Personally I thought it was very nice and flowed but towards the end I feel it fell apart a little, any have ideas?

Very solid and thanks for sharing!


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## SwitchBack (Dec 24, 2014)

It goes a little fast I'd say. But a bit more work, maybe another paragraph here or there, and it'd be quite nice.


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## David Gordon Burke (Jan 5, 2015)

Please indicate how dust gathers on the deck of a ship.  I am unaware of an ocean, lake or river over which much dust is found.
DGB


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## Cardboardzen (May 2, 2015)

I kinda hope caption is on purpose. It makes things interesting.


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## CerebralAssasin (May 8, 2015)

This was a nice piece, I liked how he snapped out of his dream in the end.

"The floor had gotten wet by the *perspiration* in the air...". replace "perspiration" with "humidity" or "dampness" .Perspiration is a bodily function.


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## escorial (May 24, 2015)

charming read


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## JoeyMay (May 24, 2015)

That made me smile. 

I think that it could do with a few extra paragraphs just to deepen it and change the caption spelling. 

Otherwise, it's a lovely warm and charming piece.


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## musichal (May 24, 2015)

I thought "Caption" was a nice touch, representative of a small boy's misunderstanding of words.


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## lzbeth97 (Jun 20, 2015)

I absolutely love how this shows the imagination of a child.  It brings back the feeling of youth and creates a nostalgic feeling that I enjoy.  In a short story you created a feeling of not only nostalgia but a feeling of how we as adults are now.  I dig that.  Good work!


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## ACB (Jul 6, 2015)

Very evocative and indeed charming, but the exposition did go very quickly - the cut off of 'Cleaning.' did seem a little bit too sudden for effect. Maybe another few calls and responses to show a bit more of the 'reality'? Very nice though.


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## McCacks (Jul 8, 2015)

Emmmm..... Spell check????
It seems to lack a level of meatiness. I found it a little difficult to digest. Very bare


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## Riptide (Jul 8, 2015)

McCacks said:


> Emmmm..... Spell check????
> It seems to lack a level of meatiness. I found it a little difficult to digest. Very bare



Aren't they called homophones? Same sound but different meaning? ... Which spell check doesn't check since it is a word and not misspelled.

thanks for the reviews guys! I wrote it a while ago just for fun and haven't gone back to it. I might, though.


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