# Fire and Ice



## Wee Red Bird (Mar 17, 2016)

This is about people with special abilities. Think X-Men or The Inhumans.  Been trying to think of a term that means super powers but no capes or  masks.  

When I started putting ideas together, I had no idea where it was all going to go. A few fragments of ideas that built themselves up. Not only do I have a plan for a novel sized story, I have a strong outline for two sequels (and a few ideas popping up for another).

So, this is the preface to the first. It is set 10-15 years before the rest of the book.

(Note, I'm from the UK, so using UK spellings, even though its set in America)

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The street was bathed in the glow of the fire engine's flashing lights. The otherwise quiet of the street was replaced by the hum of its engine and the crackle of walkie-talkies. Neighbours were deciding between curtain twitching and standing by their doors to watch with the unusual chill in the air helping them decide to stay inside.

All attention was focused on the Quinn's residence.  Firemen checked the house for any source that could reignite the fire. There was some confusion among the team as they were called to, what many callers referred claimed was, a raging fire. However they arrived to find the house smoking with a section of the rear wall burned away, but no fire. They could not find what started the fire, nor could they tell how it was put out as the rooms were dry.

The dull thumping of the fire engine's compressor was drowned out by the sound of the ambulance driving off to the near-by hospital carrying Mrs Quinn and her 10 year old daughter Suzanne. Mr Quinn and their 12 year old daughter stood outside, waiting for the all clear from the fire team. Not that they would be able to spend the night in the house, but they would be able to gather some belongings before finding shelter elsewhere.

Mr Quinn was angry. His anger was mostly down to frustration about his injured daughter and about their house, rather than what his other daughter had done, but none the less she bore the brunt of his rage.

"Do you realise what you have done?" he spat. He tried not to shout at her in front of all the prying eyes. "You could have killed Suzie. This can't go on..."

He was interrupted by the chief fireman, giving the all clear to go in. His team were rolling up their unneeded hoses and packed them away. A police officer joined them and asked how the fire started. The girl took the opportunity to sneak away.  While all eyes were towards the house, she walked along the shadows and around the corner where the sounds of the fire engine faded. She continued behind the houses and reached the back of her own. In the twilight her eyes were dazzled by the red fire engine lights flickering off her neighbour's houses. She stared at the house and let her eyes adjust. She could see the damage she had caused to the house. The bathroom window, where she was arguing with her sister a short while ago, was now a gaping hole in the wall. Black soot stained wall around it and the inside of the house. She checked for any movement, a stray fire fighter, but the house was empty. She scaled the 6 foot fence with ease and crossed the garden. She easily scaled the wall and into the bathroom.

Inside she could see the extent of the damage. The walls were blackened and the hair brush, they had been arguing about earlier, was now part of the melted bathtub. She ducked through the hole in the doorway and walked to her bedroom. She didn't want anyone to hurt anyone, let alone her sister. She knew in her heart that the only way to keep her safe was to leave. She pulled her rucksack out from under her bed, threw in some clothes and a couple of family pictures from the shelf, and crept back towards the bathroom. She could feel someone approaching the main door of the house, so quickly jumped down through the hole in the wall and off into the garden. She ran at the fence and vaulted it with ease, then continued across the field behind her house.

She had a destination in mind, at least a short term goal. She when she had crossed the field, she slowed to a walking pace. She hit the freeway and walked along side. She stayed back far enough not to be seen by the drivers but the terrain was uneven and hard going. The red tail lights flashing past reminded her of the fire engine's red lights and helped push her on.

She walked for 3 or 4 hours by when she met the railway tracks. It had just started to snow. She followed the tracks to the freight yard. She stayed in the shadows as she approached the yard. From a distance, she reached out and felt the security guard as he walked his rounds. The guard, who had dressed for a typical 65 degree night, was stamping to keep warm. His light rain coat kept him dry but was useless against the cold. He turned and walked back to his shack with ideas to turn on its small stove.

Sarah walked between the trains. It was dark in the narrow gap. She could hear the hum of an engine ahead. She reached out again and felt its warmth and the other two men in the yard.

"I'm getting her out of here before it gets worse" shouted the driver to the signal man.

Sarah quietly pulled open one of the doors of the freight carriages and climbed, closing it begin her. The train's diesel engine sounded a little muffled in the carriage, reminding her of the sound of the fire engine. The dark and empty carriage shuddered as the train started on its journey. She settled down in a corner of the rough wooden floor using her rucksack as a pillow. She pulled some of the heat from the engine to wrap around herself, like a blanket. Exhausted, she drifted off to sleep, not knowing where she was headed, but leaving Florida, her home town of Fort Matilda, and her family behind.


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## Harper J. Cole (Mar 19, 2016)

It's good start, you could certainly build a good tale on this foundation. The spelling, punctuation and grammar are mostly strong, though there's a few changes you might make ...



> There was some confusion among the team as they were called to*,* what many callers *referred* claimed was*,* a raging fire.



The word "referred" seems superfluous. Also, the commas are probably better left out.



> The dull thumping of the fire engine's compressor was drowned out by the sound of the ambulance driving off to the *near-by* hospital carrying Mrs Quinn and her 10 year old daughter Suzanne. Mr Quinn and their 12 year old daughter stood outside, waiting for the *all clear* from the fire team.



"Nearby" is one word, while "all-clear" is normally hyphenated.



> His anger was mostly down to frustration about his injured daughter and about their house, rather than what his other daughter had done, but *none the less* she bore the brunt of his rage.



"Nonetheless" is all one word.



> "Do you realise what *you have* done?" he spat.



I'd expect someone angry to use a contraction here ("you've").



> His team were *rolling up* their unneeded hoses and *packed* them away.



Here you've switched from the present continuous tense to the past tense in the same sentence; this can be a little awkward to read, so it's better to be consistent in your use of tense.



> Black soot *stained wall* around it and the inside of the house.



Missing word: "the".



> She *scaled* the 6 foot fence with *ease* and crossed the garden. She *easily scaled* the wall and into the bathroom.



It's best to avoid repetition. Here she scales two things with ease in consecutive sentences.



> The walls were blackened and the hair brush, *they* had been arguing about earlier, was now part of the melted bathtub.



I'd recommend either dropping the commas or preferably putting using "which they" instead of simply "they".



> She didn't want *anyone* to hurt anyone, let alone her sister.



Here "anyone" appears superfluous.



> *She* when she had crossed the field, she slowed to a walking pace.



Superfluous "She".



> She hit the freeway and walked *along side*.



"Alongside" is all one word.



> *She* had a destination in mind, at least a short term goal. *She* when she had crossed the field, she slowed to a walking pace. *She* hit the freeway and walked along side. *She* stayed back far enough not to be seen by the drivers but the terrain was uneven and hard going.



Again, it's best to avoid repetition. Four consecutive sentences start with "She" here.



> She walked for *3* or *4* hours *by when* she met the railway tracks.



Usually numbers of twenty or less are written out in full ("three or four"). Also, "by when" is awkward - maybe "before" here instead?



> His light *rain coat* kept him dry but was useless against the cold.



"Raincoat" is usually all one word.



> "I'm getting her out of here before it gets *worse"* shouted the driver to the signal man.



You need a comma between the word and the quotation marks.

I hope that some of this is useful, and that we'll see more of your story posted on here.

HC


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## Wee Red Bird (Mar 19, 2016)

HC,
 thanks for your comments. I have had a read through and agree with all of them. It was not as bad as I expected.

Once I have chapter one together, I'll post that up too.


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## kaminoshiyo (Mar 21, 2016)

> she reached out and felt the security guard as he walked his rounds.


 < was this premonition. I'm guessing she has the ability to control fire, but does she also have other powers, like being able to sense heat in other people or something? It was curious wording, so I wondered...

Not bad, though. Everything comes across easily enough. The wording and the general plot of the beginning is a bit hammy, but that's not necessarily bad. It depends on what you make of it in the long run.


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## lvcabbie (Mar 21, 2016)

Too passive.

The street *was*  bathed in the glow of the fire engine's flashing lights. The otherwise  quiet of the street *was* replaced by the hum of its engine and the  crackle of walkie-talkies. Neighbours *were* deciding between curtain  twitching and standing by their doors to watch with the unusual chill in  the air helping them decide to stay inside.

You need to punch it up.

The fire engine's flashing lights bathed the street in their glow. (Not even happy with that) The engine's roar and crackle of walki-talkies broke the street's usual silence. Neighbours struggled between curtain twitching or door peeking. The chill night air kept most inside.

Make your writing ACTIVE.


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## Wee Red Bird (Mar 21, 2016)

Kaminoshiyo - She can sense heat. She can see all around herself (not just the direction she is facing) and know who is around.
She can also move it around. In her own words (a little later in the  book in a section ) "I can control heat. I can pull it from one object,  move it around and stick it in to something else. If I concentrate, I  can condense it enough to start a fire or melt metal. And, whatever I  pull it from gets colder. Chilling a keg of beer in seconds has always  made me popular at parties. But some idiots still call me the Ice  Queen."


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## Wee Red Bird (Mar 21, 2016)

lvcabbie - Good point. I have a story to tell, but no point if I can't get people engaged in it. I'm going to get there eventually.


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