# Where do flies live? 131words



## Olly Buckle (Jun 15, 2010)

Mrs Dawson liked being a playground assistant, she had been in a playground every school day since she was five and it made her feel competent and safe. She settled the disputes of the bold, held the hands with the timid and she was sensible enough not to interfere unless her assistance was necessary or sought.
  That was how she came to overhear the conversation,

  “Where do flies live?" asked Sheila.

  “In the air of course.” said Natalie.
.
  “No, that’s when they are going somewhere, or coming from somewhere, looking for food or a place to lay eggs or something, where do they live?”

  Shoulders were shrugged, “Dunno”.
  Lorraine approached, Lorraine knew everything.

  “Lorraine, Lorraine, where do flies live? Sheila wants to know.”

  “Round my Aunt Mary’s house.”

  She knew.


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## Mister URL (Jun 15, 2010)

_There are some punctuation problems. Is that what you want critiqued?_


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 15, 2010)

Thanks for the cue, I have caught a couple, is that all? Crit it any way you like, if I knew what to ask about I probably wouldn't need to ask


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## Mister URL (Jun 15, 2010)

*Review*

_Mostly they are in the dialogue ..._



> “Where do flies live?" Aasked Sheila. _(close quotes and I *think* the end tag doesn't get capitalized)_
> 
> “In the air of course,” said Natalie. _(missing comma and period)_
> .
> ...


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## winkash (Jun 16, 2010)

Hi, Olly. Has your story something to do with the world cup championship?


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 16, 2010)

Mister URL said:


> _Mostly they are in the dialogue ..._


This is useful, there is a lot of dialogue in my current WIP and I realised that I was unsure of some aspects of punctuation. Thank you.
On reflection I am not sure about this:-

  Shoulders were shrugged, “Dunno”.
  Lorraine approached, Lorraine knew everything.

It feels as though the terminal period applies to the whole line and should be outside, on the other hand that leaves "Dunno" unpunctuated.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 16, 2010)

winkash said:


> Hi, Olly. Has your story something to do with the world cup championship?



No. (??)


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## darknite_johanne (Jun 16, 2010)

so it's a part of a novel then? I don't think I get the punchline.


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## Reese (Jun 17, 2010)

Yeah, sorry, I missed the punchline too.

You start with the tribulations of a "playground assistant," and then it turns into a child trying to find out where flies come from.

"She settled the disputes of the bold, held the hands with the timid"

I like this line.

You seem to want to go too fast, too quickly. Remember that the journey is usually more valuable than the destination.

I think you can create a pretty good story, but you need slow things down a bit. Concentrate on your point of view and what that point of view is attempting to relay to the reader.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 17, 2010)

I guess it is because I started with the ending, the playground lady was a way of introducing the scene of action so to speak, plus add a bit of colour and make a bit more of it. I shall think about what you say, but I won't add for the sake of adding, it has to fit and work, so it may take a while. Thanks for reading and commenting.


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## Reese (Jun 18, 2010)

"I guess it is because I started with the ending." Well, then don't. Don't try to be overly-creative with your writing. Just write....


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 18, 2010)

I feel a story needs a flip in the tail and it is usually the hardest bit, so when I see one I am not going to abandon it because it came first, however I obviously failed to establish continuity between the parts well enough, maybe this is why it seems too fast to you, is this better?





Mrs Dawson personified the playground, when you met her it was like smelling hot tar in the summer and hearing the roar of slides in the winter. You would remember the smell and feel of the soft red brick as you stood, head to the wall, remembering what others said.
 She had been in a playground every school day since she was five and her infinite layers of experience made her feel competent and safe. She settled the disputes of the bold and held the hands of the timid. Because she was sensible enough not to intervene unless her aid was required or sought she had become another useful fixture, as un-noticed as the drinking fountain when not needed.

  That was how she came to overhear the conversation.

  “Where do flies live?” asked Sheila.
  “In the air of course.” said Natalie.
  “No, that’s when they are going somewhere or coming from somewhere, looking for food or a place to lay eggs or something, where do they live?”
  Shoulders were shrugged “Dunno”
  Lorraine approached, Lorraine knew everything.
  “Lorraine, Lorraine, where do flies live? Sheila wants to know.”
  “Round my Aunt Mary’s house.”
  She knew.


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## Reese (Jun 18, 2010)

Yeah, I do like it better.

"fixture, as un-noticed as the drinking fountain when not needed." Don't use a metaphor if it is not required. Metaphors are used to make points. Do you believe this metaphor made a point to the reader? Using writing to intentionally make a point is for academics. Academics write peer-review journals, which is a medium that makes a certain type of point. Don't try too hard to make a point.

When wrtiting, you can only really start with yourself as the writer. Write what you feel. "Points" come afterwards.

Have you read much F. Scott Fitzgerald? I would strongly recommend his writing to see how a writer tries to make a point. Start with "This Side of Paradise."


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 19, 2010)

> Metaphors are used to make points. Do you believe this metaphor made a point to the reader?



I think so, the point being that because she is objectified the children allow her to overhear things.


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## vladu (Jun 19, 2010)

Hi. Mrs. Dawson description was able to create a vivid image of her in my mind, seeing how i actually knew such a woman when i was a little boy, yet one paragraph left somewhat of a void in this image: "You would remember the smell and feel of the soft red brick as you  stood, head to the wall, remembering what others said." Maybe my English is not that good, but I see no reason for this line. 
Also i really liked the "drinking fountain" metaphor as it suggest both continuity and scope. However using the word "competent" makes it sound more like a job rather than an activity that you like doing... i don't really know if that is what you were looking for.
The line “No, that’s when they are going somewhere or coming from somewhere,  looking for food or a place to lay eggs or something, where do they  live?” seems much too long and too elaborated for the natural expression of a child... again can't figure if that was intended. Also a small repetition "Lorraine approached, Lorraine knew everything...She knew." You can lose the "Lorraine approached" sentence in order to enforce the fact that her intervention is called upon... ("sensible enough not to intervene unless her aid was required or sought").
Overall i like it a lot, as plain as this may sound.


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## Reese (Jun 19, 2010)

"Also i really liked the "drinking fountain" metaphor as it suggest both continuity and scope. However using the word "competent" makes it sound more like a job"

That's because the metaphor wasn't necessary. Maybe it is a job? As a reader, we just don't really know...which is only because the author hasn't told us. 

"She settled the disputes of the bold, held the hands with the timid and she was sensible enough not to interfere" Strong line. I like it.

I like your writing. It is very direct and precise. Just don't try to "fit" too much into what the words you are expressing.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 19, 2010)

> Hi. Mrs. Dawson description was able to create a vivid image of her in my mind, seeing how i actually knew such a woman when i was a little boy, yet one paragraph left somewhat of a void in this image: "You would remember the smell and feel of the soft red brick as you stood, head to the wall, remembering what others said." Maybe my English is not that good, but I see no reason for this line.



The aim was to create an image of a stereotypical woman. Hopefully most people would either know an example of or have heard tell of such a woman. Notice how indefinite I am, she does not have blue eyes or green hair; "layers of experience made her feel competent" experience of what? feel to whom? competent at what? . That lets people fill in with their own experience which, in a strange way makes it more real.
  Then I started to explore the senses, smell is particularly good for evoking childhood memories, I was trying to switch away from the kinaesthetic senses to a visual one and become inward looking before going 'outside' to the scene. The red brick seemed a natural choice but really it is a memory of my childhood and was being replaced even before I left school 50 years ago, so it probably has little relevance to most readers. I shall revise that.
I also think you are right about that line, it doesn't sit comfortably. I could remove elements, split it up, change the style of language or a combination, I am not sure how much of the information in it is important.
 The fourfold repetition of Lorraine was deliberate, alpha females get that. I think there is some mistake? the "sensible enough not to ... " referred to Mrs Dawson, not Lorraine, neither are they the same person.

Thank you very much for your comments everyone, considerable food for thought and most appreciated.


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## Reese (Jun 19, 2010)

"The aim was to create an image of a stereotypical woman." A stereotypical woman is a subjective thing. Your stereotypical woman is not MY stereotypical woman.

Don't assume if your reader doesn't assume, and even if you do, don't assume that assumption is the same!


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 20, 2010)

Reese said:


> "The aim was to create an image of a stereotypical woman." A stereotypical woman is a subjective thing. Your stereotypical woman is not MY stereotypical woman.
> 
> Don't assume if your reader doesn't assume, and even if you do, don't assume that assumption is the same!





> Notice how indefinite I am, she does not have blue eyes or green hair; "layers of experience made her feel competent" experience of what? feel to whom? competent at what? . That lets people fill in with their own experience which, in a strange way makes it more real.



I do not disagree. People conform to stereotypes, they do not merely conform to stereotypes. The stereotype is a shallow two d. image, but when most people are aware of an individual who conforms in those parts that are stereotypical my use of it will evoke their personal memories and they will create for themselves a more complete image than I ever could. That is the aim, I think that was what happened here,


> Hi. Mrs. Dawson description was able to create a vivid image of her in my mind, seeing how i actually knew such a woman when i was a little boy,


,
 as I pointed out there is actually very little description of her.


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## ChristopherOlson (Jun 20, 2010)

What I got from the ending is that her Aunt Mary's dead, but she hasn't let on to either parents or anyone else just yet. At least that's my interpretation. If someone were to ask me where flies live, I would say find the nearest corpse.


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## Olly Buckle (Jun 21, 2010)

LOL. Not what I had in mind Christopher.


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## Reese (Jun 30, 2010)

Ok, let me try to break it down as a reader.

We're following the teacher Mrs. Dawson and then you switch to children playing and asking where flies go....Do they go to Lorraine's house to find where flies come from? There needs to be a hook. Something must connect Mrs. Dawson's house to Lorraine's aunt's house...yet there isn't.

You introduce Mrs. Dawson and then leave Lorraine's house totally open...


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