# Yes



## Anthem (Nov 15, 2012)

Critiques very, very welcome!

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“Until you see...“ she said, and nothing else.   Her voice was musical and soothing.  Like an old saxophone echoing throughout a wet Kansas City alley way in late November.   Entrancing and able to convey difficult ideas and spark in-depth conversation.  
 “That you won’t be punished for your thoughts,” she assuredly continues, while warming both her hands on a caramel macchiato with low fat milk and extra sugar.  “You won’t be able to tell anyone, _anyone_, who you are.”  Her expressions implies you couldn’t even tell her, and she actually, really, wants to know.  You shift your weight to the other side without removing your hands from your pockets.  
“It’s okay,  no more scientific analyzing.”  She says as she raises her brow.  With her eyes, she let‘s you know she is happy.  She is beautiful, and wears a thick, dark blue sweater.  Under the illuminating marquee her brown hair glistens.  You imagine what this same venue would have been like in the 40’s.  Long silk dresses, trench coats and whiskey on the rocks.  A different time, same conclusions.  Same struggles.  You nod your head towards the doors while extending an extra ticket to her, and smile. 
“Ready?” you ask as she plucks the extra ticket from your hand.
“Yes.”


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## BWFoster78 (Nov 16, 2012)

> “Until you see...“ she said, and nothing else.



Isn't" and nothing else redundant.  You don't show her saying anything else, so the reader can logically assume she didn't.



> Her voice was musical and soothing



Her voice existed in a state of being musical and soothing?  How about, Her voice rang like an old saxophone...



> Like an old saxophone echoing throughout a wet Kansas City alley way in late November. Entrancing and able to convey difficult ideas and spark in-depth conversation.



These are sentence fragments.  While I agree that fragments can be used for emphasis, they don't work here.  Both these are also redundant.  You've already said it's musical, so comparing it to a saxophone says the same thing.  Same with "soothing" and the statement beginning with "entrancing."



> continues



Watch your tense.  You alternate between past and present.  Pick one.

Hope that helps!


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## mgordon42 (Nov 19, 2012)

I like this because I see some issues here that I have had to address in my own writing

“Until you see...“ she said, and nothing else.

You want to say that that is all she said. Just say what she did say.

Her voice was musical and soothing. Like an old saxophone echoing throughout a wet Kansas City alley way in late November. Entrancing and able to convey difficult ideas and spark in-depth conversation. 

Saxophones do create musical sounds so musical is redundant. Is there a difference between the sound of an old sax or a new one? Does the day have to be wet? Does it have to be November? Late November?

How about..."Her voice soothed and entranced like the echoing saxophones he'd heard in a Kansas City alley-way last November."


“That you won’t be punished for your thoughts,” she assuredly continues, while warming both her hands on a caramel macchiato with low fat milk and extra sugar. “You won’t be able to tell anyone, _anyone, who you are.” Her expressions implies you couldn’t even tell her, and she actually, really, wants to know. You shift your weight to the other side without removing your hands from your pockets. 

Do we care that the macchiato is caramel with low fat milk and extra sugar? Many things in life are irrational but this does not really explain the irrationality the way you think it does. It could have been a server mistake or she is slim with a sweet tooth? Ask if its really important.

I like the POV - but I think it will be very difficult to keep up.._


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## Anthem (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you both for the reviews, I appreciate the sharing of your thoughts.  I absolutely agree with the clumsy tense changes and will be editing that.  I went back and forth on the opening line in terms of including the phrase, "and nothing more".  I am still on the fence here, which is mostly because of my objective.   However, the other redundancies pointed out are intentional.  If we are to ask if the saxophone and macchiato descriptions are important, the answer is emphatically yes.  Instead of asking whether or not they should be there, it was intended for the reader to ask 'why are they here'?

Thanks again for your help!


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## Ariel (Dec 28, 2012)

I took Kansas City, rainy night, and late November to be the setting--they are, of course, outside of a movie theater.  The attention to detail in what her drink was implies heavy interest from the speaker. 

I don't like the point of view.  It makes me feel like the writer is telling me what to do and that, to me, is off-putting.


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## alixer (Dec 28, 2012)

I agree with all of the above, particularly the point of view, though maybe not so much.  Let me explain.  I think there needs to be more about the person who is seeing and speaking to the woman.  Not necessarily in the one paragraph (or so) that you have here, but just in general.  I like the setting and once it gets a bit cleaned up grammatically it'll be spectacular.


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## coolcold40 (Jan 16, 2013)

I like the point of view, because it makes me feel as if I'm in the story rather than watching it from the outside.  I like how much detail you put, and if the main character is suppose to be as vague as you made him seem so be it, but if he's not a little detail about him would be welcome.  Is this suppose to be a beginning or in the middle of something?  Did you make it drop down like it seemed in the middle of something on purpose?


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## Sparktheunknown (Apr 16, 2013)

I get the sense this is a first person tale. I like the view you're giving from that perspective. But I feel like its garbled. Like someone talking way too fast and with marbles in their mouth. The flow is hard. 

Die hards don't buy sentence fragments. But the literary world is ever expanding. Some of the best works I've been through recently had been littered with fragments. That said, be careful. Too many too often and its less of a style and more of an incompetence. 

It's also hard to follow the dialogue. Why do we have to stop between each part of each thought to be told what to feel about what she's said? 

It reminds me of those 1940's private eye novels. In all, I like the idea and I like where you're going with this.


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## escorial (Jun 5, 2013)

Like an old saxophone echoing throughout a wet Kansas City alley way in late November...surley this is not a romantic comment on a voice.


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