# My Head Hurts



## jenthepen (Jun 29, 2018)

Although I have been scarred by previous ventures into the macho world of wholesale building materials, I was in high spirits as I swung into the local Plumbing Supplies store. I had phoned ahead and knew that the cast iron elbow fitting that I needed for our antique garden pump was in stock. I had done my homework and knew that  the connecting pipe was one-and-a-half-inch diameter, so I was able to order a matching size from the young girl at the counter with some confidence.

 It began well. I had half expected that barely concealed scorn that usually greets any request involving good old-fashioned imperial measurements, now that we have been decimalised in line with the European Union but no, she beamed at me and nodded.

 “It’s BSP.” she said pleasantly.

 I presumed she was talking about the pipe fitting and not sharing some comment about the weather but, in truth, I hadn’t a clue what her little comment meant. Anxious not to disrupt the easy flow of our exchanges so far, I nodded and grinned back at her.

 She reappeared from the stock room a minute later and handed me a substantial example of good British workmanship.

 I gazed at the solid iron joint in my hand and couldn’t shake off the rising certainty that it was much too big for my needs. I read the moulded inscription carefully; BSP 1 1/2 inch. It was definitely what I had ordered but it was most certainly a lot bigger than the fitting I had so meticulously measured before setting out on this shopping trip. I sensed some sort of underhand plumbing conspiracy here, the way doctors write in Latin to stop any under-qualified interloper from gaining a foothold on their learning.

 “Er, what does BSP stand for?” I finally asked with painful reluctance.

 She smiled and I knew my credibility had evaporated.

 “British standard pipe?” She raised her voice at the end of the short utterance, the way you do when explaining the self-explanatory.  

 Now I was even more confused. It was British and it was standard. This fitted well with my lifelong expectations and yet there was no escaping the self-evident fact that this joint was not going to fit.

 I looked at her in helpless silence for a long moment, until she broke under the tension, took the part back and pointed at the inscription with a sad smile.  

 I wasn’t ready to give up all control just yet and picked up her tape measure, which happened to be laying on the counter between us. I carefully measure the diameter of the threaded end that would fit my pump’s one-and-a-half-inch pipe.

 “This is one-and-three-quarter-inch!” I declared with some joy.”

 She tried, and very nearly succeeded, to hide a sigh.  

 “It’s BSP,” she countered, not unkindly, “If you want to fit a one-and-a-half-inch pipe you need to buy a one-and-a-quarter-inch joint.”

 I looked at her to make sure she wasn’t joking. “BSP pipe fittings that measure one-and-three-quarter-inch are marked one-and-a-half-inch and fittings that measure one-and-a-half-inch are marked one-and-a-quarter-inch?”

 She seemed inordinately pleased that I’d manage to grasp this apparently quite obvious fact.

 “That’s right! So do you actually want a one-and-a-quarter-inch elbow?”

 I could only nod dumbly and accept the exchange part. I read the moulded inscription when I got it home: one-and-a-quarter-inch. I slipped it over the one-and-a-half-inch pipe on the garden pump and tightened the thread. It fitted perfectly.

 I was still unhappy and determined to get to the bottom of this mystery of BSP measurements, so I looked it up on Google:  


 Take the O.D _measurement_ (in _inches_) and subtract 1/4 _inch_ (.25”). For example, a _BSP_ parallel male thread _measures_ out to O.D 1”. Subtracting 1/4 gives a thread size of 3/4, also known as “dash” 12. Once you have the thread size, you then need to determine the number of threads per _inch_ to verify that _it is_ a _BSP_ fitting...


That’s when I switched off the computer, decided to forget all about it and have a cup of tea instead.


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## Jack of all trades (Jun 29, 2018)

Wonderful! Well done! I enjoyed this immensely.


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## Plasticweld (Jun 29, 2018)

Jen, never trust a man to measure anything.  They either lie or give a reason why it's not as  big as they let on.  Measurements are dependent on temperature an a host of other factors, I am sure you are well aware of this. 

This is the very reason you can have a woman measure something and come up with a completely different size than a man. 

Well  written, it flowed well and gave me  smile


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## Underd0g (Jul 1, 2018)

I thought your story was funny. I speak as someone who would probably still try to force a metric Allen Wrench to work on a standard opening.


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## jenthepen (Jul 2, 2018)

Plasticweld said:


> Jen, never trust a man to measure anything.  They either lie or give a reason why it's not as  big as they let on.  Measurements are dependent on temperature an a host of other factors, I am sure you are well aware of this.
> 
> This is the very reason you can have a woman measure something and come up with a completely different size than a man.
> 
> Well  written, it flowed well and gave me  smile



Thanks, Bob. It turns out, with male and female threads, size really does matter. 



Underd0g said:


> I thought your story was funny. I speak as someone who would probably still try to force a metric Allen Wrench to work on a standard opening.



I'm glad I'm not the only inventive engineer, Underdog. I usually try to get away with any handy household utensil - nail file, nutcrackers, barbecue tongs - all good if they get the job done. 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and leave a like. :encouragement:


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## Thomas Norman (Apr 12, 2019)

Hello Jen - What a wonderful story. The dialogue and narrative flow along splendidly. A short piece but I was engrossed. Your way with language is impeccable and and a pleasure to read. The humour of this story is nicely done; not to obvious but clear enough. Skillful.

I could find no fault with it, perfectly done. 

Thanks for sharing and making me smile with complete understanding.


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## Moose.H (Nov 4, 2019)

It spoke to me as a Quantity Surveyor who worked in a plumbing contractor for a time and still has issues with the incantations from the mystical cult of sanitary engineers.


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## jenthepen (Nov 7, 2019)

Thomas Norman said:


> Hello Jen - What a wonderful story. The dialogue and narrative flow along splendidly. A short piece but I was engrossed. Your way with language is impeccable and and a pleasure to read. The humour of this story is nicely done; not to obvious but clear enough. Skillful.
> 
> I could find no fault with it, perfectly done.
> 
> Thanks for sharing and making me smile with complete understanding.



Thank you so much for the flattering comments, Thomas, and a thousand apologies for my tardy response. I'm glad it worked for you and gave you a smile.



Moose.H said:


> It spoke to me as a Quantity Surveyor who worked in a plumbing contractor for a time and still has issues with the incantations from the mystical cult of sanitary engineers.



Thanks, Moose. It makes me feel much better that a professional like yourself also had difficulties with plumbing logic.  

P.S. to Amnesiac.
Thank you for bringing my attention back to this resurrected thread by 'liking' this little story. :thumbr:


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## Asmoab (Jan 13, 2020)

I really enjoyed this. Perhaps it was the rising sense of recognition as it progressed. I parted ways at "looked it up on google." Opening computer usually starts a similar experience for me!


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## jenthepen (Jan 15, 2020)

Thanks for the positive comment, Asmoab. And yes, don't get me started on the problems around computers!


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