# Last Ditch



## Nellie (Aug 26, 2016)

Feeling so far away, an alternate
creation, where masquerades pantomime
humanlike beings on another globe,
overshadowed by perilous times
admonishing sacrificial hope.

Now when I lay myself to rest
diabolical images appear,
nebulous prayers purse my lips
wondering if someone really does hear
before the switch is forever flipped.


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## shedpog329 (Aug 26, 2016)

haunting..."the switch forever flipped"  what a line


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## DATo (Aug 27, 2016)

I'm sure many can relate to your poem. I agree with shed, that was indeed a great line.

Nice work! Thanks for sharing!


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## Gumby (Aug 27, 2016)

I agree, it is a bit haunting, Nellie. Nice work!  I like that the rhyming is looser, not so tightly scripted, which makes it more subtle.


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## Nellie (Aug 27, 2016)

Thanks all. I admit, it was meant to be haunting, so I'm happy you understand it and responded to my poem.


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## SilverMoon (Aug 27, 2016)

> before the switch is forever flipped.


Brilliant ending,

You know I always go for the haunt!


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## Bard_Daniel (Aug 27, 2016)

As others have said: haunting.

Also mesmerizing. You really have some powerful lines in this one.

Great stuff Nellie!

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!


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## Galivanting (Aug 28, 2016)

"nebulous prayers purse my lips
wondering if someone really does hear
before the switch is forever flipped."

i feel the need to quote you back at you because that is incredibly well formed and evocative

love this so much.... only quibble i have is the first line break, i cant figure out why creation cant be up there and what purpose the breaking serves. i know there is a reason. it just isnt immediately obvious to me and stumbled me. especially when i feel its the only such break in the poem.


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## Nellie (Aug 28, 2016)

Galivanting said:


> i feel the need to quote you back at you because that is incredibly well formed and evocative
> 
> love this so much.... only quibble i have is the first line break, i cant figure out why creation cant be up there and what purpose the breaking serves. i know there is a reason. it just isnt immediately obvious to me and stumbled me. especially when i feel its the only such break in the poem.



The reason for the break in the first line is because in my original poem, I thought of using other word(s), but changed my mind, changing the break in the first line. IMO, if I left the word "creation" in the first line, it would set the whole poem off balance in words. Glad you liked the rest of the poem. Thanks.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

Nellie said:


> Feeling so far away, an alternate
> creation, where masquerades pantomime
> humanlike beings on another globe,
> overshadowed by perilous times
> ...





For me, this stanza is so powerful, that nothing else is needed...."Nebulous prayers".... soooo sublime....


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> this stanza is so powerful, that nothing else is needed...."Nebulous prayers"....



Thanks. That is how praying feels at times.......Nebulous........ who the hell am I talking to? Myself?


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## Ariel (Aug 29, 2016)

I agree with Firemajic.  The first stanza adds nothing to the poem and could easily be cut without losing meaning, imagery, or message.  The last stanza is powerful and haunting.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

Allow me to explain WHY "nebulous" Prayers.. is such a perfect example of a poet using the perfect word... nebulous means, hazy, confused, unformed and without limits... your poem expresses such pain and despair... at times, that kind of pain has no name, no definition... I have felt that, and have not known HOW to pray, or what to ask, when I pray... just a general "asking for mercy".... so, that is why this is such  wonderful example of the poet selecting the perfect word... sublime work, Nellie....


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Allow me to explain WHY "nebulous" Prayers.. is such a perfect example of a poet using the perfect word... nebulous means, hazy, confused, unformed and without limits... your poem expresses such pain and despair... at times, that kind of pain has no name, no definition... I have felt that, and have not known HOW to pray, or what to ask, when I pray... just a general "asking for mercy".... so, that is why this is such  wonderful example of the poet selecting the perfect word... sublime work, Nellie....



Thank-you, Juls. I was just going to ask where/when did you say the first verse could be cut without losing meaning to the poem. That IS what I was trying to portray, a confusing time where nothing in life made sense. So I decided to pray, hoping to find meaning to this life by citing a 'nebulous prayer'. This first verse was an intro as to where I was coming from. I feel it needs to be.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

well, hummmm.... yeah, I get that the first stanza supports the second... it does enhance the second stanza, but... I still think that you could incorporate some of the first, into the second... or, make the first stanza as powerful as the second.... or not... this is powerful, and one of your best, because you did NOT hold back.


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> well, hummmm.... yeah, I get that the first stanza supports the second... it does enhance the second stanza, but... I still think that you could incorporate some of the first, into the second... or, make the first stanza as powerful as the second.... or not... this is powerful, and one of your best, because you did NOT hold back.



Well..... originally the 1st verse was the 2nd verse and I was having trouble articulating what I really wanted to say. So I deleted the original 1st verse and made this the 1st verse:


> Feeling so far away, an alternate
> creation, where masquerades pantomime
> humanlike beings on another globe,
> overshadowed by perilous times
> admonishing sacrificial hope.



Here is the original 1st verse:



> Another Sunday morning ritual
> a devious prayer pursed my lips
> ambivalent while at the alter
> this backslider remains transfixed
> knowing I'll eventually falter.



So now you see, I did combine the original 1st verse with the 2nd verse of _this_ poem.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

Nellie said:


> Feeling so far away, an alternate
> creation, where masquerades pantomime
> humanlike beings on another globe,
> overshadowed by perilous times*** Right here... JMO, but this needs to be more ... personal.. not so broad and general... *perilous times**.... Humanlike***... make this about your pain, about your despair... what is causing YOU such distress... something like that.... hope this helps you.... and remember, this is just my opinion...
> ...


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

That is exactly where I was having trouble articulating............... I'm working on it.... will let you read it again soon.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

don't hold back, Nellie... be bold... poetry is all about expressing emotions... let me relate to your pain, I bet we have a lot of the same sorrow, yes? Tell me, share it with me...


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

*Last Ditch*

_Re-write:_

Feeling so far away, an alternate
creation, where masquerades pantomime
manlike beings on another globe,
entangling confounded concubines
admonishing sacrificial hope.

Now when I lay myself to rest
diabolical images appear,
nebulous prayers purse my lips
wondering if someone really does hear
before the switch is forever flipped.​


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

Nellie... Nellllie.... you use "I" and "me" in the second stanza, but there is NOTHING personal in the first stanza.... I still don't know what the first stanza reallllly means... anyway, it is your poem... and in the end, it is your expressed personal thoughts... I was just hoping for ... more.


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## Nellie (Aug 29, 2016)

Firemajic said:


> Nellie... Nellllie.... you use "I" and "me" in the second stanza, but there is NOTHING personal in the first stanza.... I still don't know what the first stanza reallllly means... anyway, it is your poem... and in the end, it is your expressed personal thoughts... I was just hoping for ... more.




Sorry to disappoint you, but you do have a point... this is my poem. IMO, there IS something personal in the 1st verse. The 1st line in the 1st verse says it....I feel so far away, is basically what it is saying. Like I said, this was originally the 2nd verse, so I am going to leave it as it was. 
Thanks, tho, for commenting.


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## Firemajic (Aug 29, 2016)

This poem is personal to you... your emotions, I will always respect and honor the right of the poet to express those emotions as best suites the writer. As a reader, I have a different experience...one that is personal to me... so, I completely respect your position, and it is ALWAYS a pleasure to read your work, Nellie...  thank you...


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## kaminoshiyo (Sep 3, 2016)

I liked the words "diabolical images" more... 

And, yeah, I think the first stanza is a little at odds with the second. I think it's well-written though, but there's such immediate force in the second whereas the first is so airy and vague.


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## Nellie (Sep 3, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> I liked the words "diabolical images" more...
> 
> And, yeah, I think the first stanza is a little at odds with the second. I think it's well-written though, but there's such immediate force in the second whereas the first is so airy and vague.




Thanks for reading and commenting. Sorry you think the 1st stanza is at odds with the 2nd. I feel so vague and "out of it" sometimes, the first line states that. This is the point of the first verse, leading into the 2nd.


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## kaminoshiyo (Sep 3, 2016)

Nellie said:


> Thanks for reading and commenting. Sorry you think the 1st stanza is at odds with the 2nd. I feel so vague and "out of it" sometimes, the first line states that. This is the point of the first verse, leading into the 2nd.



Yeah, I know. I feel that way, too, sometimes. 

Did I inspire the word "pantomime", lol?


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## Nellie (Sep 10, 2016)

kaminoshiyo said:


> Yeah, I know. I feel that way, too, sometimes.
> 
> Did I inspire the word "pantomime", lol?




Maybe you or someone/somewhere here did inspire that special word "pantomime".  Life is a mystery.


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## Mesafalcon (Sep 13, 2016)

too many LIKES for me to get in there now. 
Good one. 

A comment trumps a like any day anyway！


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## Nellie (Sep 14, 2016)

Mesafalcon said:


> .
> Good one.
> 
> A comment trumps a like any day anyway！



Thanks. A comment does outdo a "like". Adds more direction and persona to a poem.


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