# Dance of Life



## LeeC (Mar 26, 2016)

I'm posting this here to see what you poets think of using a verse format to make a statement. Any thoughts on making it more impactful would also be appreciated.


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Dance of Life

That nice trout you caught for fun 
ate some 300 frogs in growing strong,
which ate some 90 thousand grasshoppers,
which ate some 62 hundred pounds of grass.

Where you left it on the bank,
among others' debris strewn about,
won't nourish near that much new grass.
Where's this dance of life headed?


​


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## Darkkin (Mar 26, 2016)

The format is throwing me, leaning more toward centrally aligned prose.  In all honesty, it distracts rather than enhances the read for me.  As to the numbers, the mixed media of numerical and allegorical, again is causing sensory overload.  For me as a reader, there is _too_ much going on, and as such, the full meaning of the poem is lost within the sensory clutter. 

 I like the idea of one thing feeding in from the next, the format not so much.  I'm very linear when it comes to verse, so believe me when I say, it's not your poem; it's me.  Love the clean logic of the piece though.

- D. the T.


Edit: The reformatting just breathed new life into this piece, allowing your message to shine.  Form and message are now in balance with each other.  Appreciated.

Question:  Was the original formatting deliberate or a loss of the above format when posting?


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## LeeC (Mar 26, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> Question:  Was the original formatting deliberate or a loss of the above format when posting?



Loss of format in posting. Thank you for reading and responding


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## Darkkin (Mar 26, 2016)

Okay.  Good to know because that really threw me for a loop.  I like the layout you have.  And having read other pieces of yours, the layout just seemed off.


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## Firemajic (Mar 28, 2016)

Lee, this is sooo intriguing! I love your message, and for me, I don't really care how you delivered your unique message, but the way you delivered it.. I know this crit is no help to you... sorrrry! Love you bunches.. write more poems... please..


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## escorial (Mar 29, 2016)

the numbers seemed subjective to me....the notion was cool though


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## jenthepen (Mar 29, 2016)

I agree with the general consensus - this is memorable and makes its point. It could be ripped to pieces and rebuilt to fit a perfect poetry form but it would lose its charm in the process, I think.

The only thing that mumbles in my head as I read it, is the second word which I long to change to 'fat.' I think this is because the rhyme that this would create with the first word, plus the alliteration effect with 'fun', just adds another small device to get it to stick in the memory.

_That fat trout you caught for fun ​__​__​_

You have captured an image in poetry, though, whether you make that change or not. I like it a lot.

jen​​


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## LeeC (Mar 29, 2016)

escorial said:


> the numbers seemed subjective to me....the notion was cool though


Not sure how the numbers seem subjective to you. They're accurate and I was trying to show how any action has a cascading effect. 



jenthepen said:


> I agree with the general consensus - this is memorable and makes its point. It could be ripped to pieces and rebuilt to fit a perfect poetry form but it would lose its charm in the process, I think.
> 
> The only thing that mumbles in my head as I read it, is the second word which I long to change to 'fat.' I think this is because the rhyme that this would create with the first word, plus the alliteration effect with 'fun', just adds another small device to get it to stick in the memory.
> 
> ...



Thanks jen, I like fat. What's factually misleading ecology-wise is the third line of the second stanza. What I have there is a filler till I can come up with something better.


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## jenthepen (Mar 30, 2016)

Yes, I can see what you mean about that line, Lee. Maybe you need to make the statement more general, rather than being specifically about grass. Apart from expressing your meaning more closely, I think that approach would tie in with the last line more smoothly too. Just to illustrate what I’m banging on about, I suggest something like, ‘_slows progress Nature had intended’_ but, whatever you decide, you will know when you have it perfect. 

jen


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## LeeC (Mar 31, 2016)

Much obliged for all your observations. That one little word added sprinkles to the cupcake Jen. I haven't a clue where the dividing line is between poetry and structured prose, but where I ended up satisfies me, especially in not being misleading. To me it's more material to potentially nag at the periphery of the minds of the inwardly obsessed on social media ;-)  That being as shown below [click to enlarge]. 




Now I'm off to the dark corners of mental recesses in ferreting out another idea.


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## jenthepen (Apr 1, 2016)

Good thinking. I like it a lot.


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## DarkHowl (Apr 6, 2016)

LeeC said:


> I'm posting this here to see what you poets think of using a verse format to make a statement. Any thoughts on making it more impactful would also be appreciated.
> 
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------
> ...



I like the idea and the format. However, for some reason the numbers make some noise in my head right now. But it might just be me... Still liking it though


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