# Just a Tale (A bit of a Epic Poem)



## dwaleaf (Aug 31, 2015)

This is a epic poem / story poem I written a couple of months back 

PART 1

She ran from the protected castle, 
her legs carried her a crowded kingdom.

At the edge, she met a winged giant. 
 "How do I have joy come out once more?" 
He answered, 
 "Bring me a feather from the peacock that resides in the gilded cage."

She climbed over the gates, passed through the shrubbery and found the cage.

PART 2

"Excuse me, peacock." 

The sleeping peacock open up its small black eyes.
"What do you want human?"

"Can I get one of your feathers so I may give it to the winged giant?"

The peacock's face became stern.
"No you may not, go away!"

Her eyes filled up with tears and waited to be released for her outburst.
"The giant will tell me how to bring out the joy again if I bring one your feathers."

PART 3

In anger, the peacock's head shot out of the cage like an arrow and shouted,

I've told you to leave! I will sound off the guards to pull you back to your kingdom to be executed in, you padded castle dweller! I know where you come from by your gritty garb.

Her eyes let the water go as she ran back to the shrubbery.
She fell over a tiny shrub that contained berries she was fed before.

The tiny red berries were the same ones given to the people of the castle to aid them in their sleep.

She picked a couple to give to the peacock as a peace offering for the behavior from before and when the peacock is fast asleep she would pluck one of its feathers.

PART 4

She went back to the drowsy peacock and knocked on its cage.

I'm Sorry from what happen before. In ordered to make it up to I picked some berries to help you in your sleep. 

She placed the red berries on the bottom of the cage and the peacock pecked at them.

The peacock expression turned from joyous to a tense pain look until it collapsed.

She gasped and look at the opened fruit, there was the three poisonous seed holes rather than the two safe ones.

Her attention from the dead bird turned to its feathers, there was no more shield and she plucked one.

PART 5


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## Darkkin (Aug 31, 2015)

First critical question, how much narrative poetry have you read?  Because being a writer whose niche is narrative poetry, this is reading like fragmented prose, not a happy place to be for a reader.

 If this is an epic, one suggestion I will make:  Name your main character.  Give your reader something to invest in, a name goes a long way toward doing just that.  Second, title your pieces, whether they are part of a whole or not.  Make your world tangible; in its current incarnation it is too generic.  Take a look at epic poems like The Iliad and The Odessey, Rime of the Ancient Mariner, The Song of Hiawatha, Beowulf.  Take heed of their styling and formats, the wording and most critically their imagery.  With this piece you don't have any, if you want to keep a reader's attention, you need to invest time and heart into your poem.  This is a template for an epic, give it bones, and then flesh upon the bones.

Also, take a look at some of the threads here on the forums because there are a number of poets here who do narratives, musichal and firemajic, to name a few.  And don't be afraid to check out the blogs rcallaci's Once Upon a series and my own, Strangeways, will give you an idea of what narrative poetry can be.

- Darkkin, the Tedious of Ponds Bottom


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## Thaumiel (Aug 31, 2015)

Part 5 appears to be missing from the OP?

After a read through, I agree with Darkkin, this could definitely be structured better. 

Also, as a personal opinion I don't like that you have 'Part X' floating above some stanzas. I'd change it to something like  * * * just to show a separation.


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## dwaleaf (Aug 31, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> First critical question, how much narrative poetry have you read?  Because being a writer whose niche is narrative poetry, this is reading like fragmented prose, not a happy place to be for a reader.
> 
> If this is an epic, one suggestion I will make:  Name your main character.  Give your reader something to invest in, a name goes a long way toward doing just that.  Second, title your pieces, whether they are part of a whole or not.  Make your world tangible; in its current incarnation it is too generic.  Take a look at epic poems like The Iliad and The Odessey, Rime of the Ancient Mariner, The Song of Hiawatha, Beowulf.  Take heed of their styling and formats, the wording and most critically their imagery.  With this piece you don't have any, if you want to keep a reader's attention, you need to invest time and heart into your poem.  This is a template for an epic, give it bones, amd then flesh upon the bones.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice!


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## dwaleaf (Aug 31, 2015)

James 剣 斧 血 said:


> Part 5 appears to be missing from the OP?
> 
> After a read through, I agree with Darkkin, this could definitely be structured better.
> 
> Also, as a personal opinion I don't like that you have 'Part X' floating above some stanzas. I'd change it to something like  * * * just to show a separation.



Yeah, I wasn't sure how to separate them.


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## Darkkin (Aug 31, 2015)

Start small, rework part one, only part one.  Title it, name your character, the city, the giant.  Give them faces, context, character, actual physical descriptions.  Show us the story, don't just tell us.  Make it breathe.  Take a wild chance and try for some basic structure or even a rhyme scheme.  Post a revision.  I know this might sound harsh, but I know a thing or two about epics.  I have one...done.


PART 1

She ran from the protected castle,   Who is she?  A pronoun.  We are following this girl on an adventure, she shouldn't be anonymous.
her legs carried her to a crowded kingdom.  What kingdom?  Where, what is it like other than crowded?  What sort of environment, jungle, desert, snow capped mountains?  

At the edge, she met a winged giant.   The edge of what, a forest, lake, a city, a castle?  Details, show.
 "How do I have joy come out once more?"  Why is she asking this, segue in a little context and backstory in parts like this. 
He answered, He who?  The giant?  Again, an anonymous pronoun.  Give the poor fellow an identity.  Make the reader care.
 "Bring me a feather from the peacock that resides in the gilded cage."  Why does he need this feather?  How will that bring back joy?  Extrapolate. 

She climbed over the gates, passed through the shrubbery and found the cage.  

How did she get to these gates, more importantly, where are these gates, what do they look like, why are they shut?  How does the giant know about the peacock?


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## Mesafalcon (Sep 1, 2015)

The poem was decent.

_Your avatar kicks a$$_.


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## Bard_Daniel (Sep 1, 2015)

I would like to second Darkin's points. You should name the main character and it needs to be more epic, more stylized and more expansive if you're looking to create narrative poetry. Your work seems like a starting point that you should improve on. Luckily, you have some foundation to build upon. From here, it can only go up!

Look forward to reading your next revisions!


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## dwaleaf (Sep 2, 2015)

Darkkin said:


> Start small, rework part one, only part one.  Title it, name your character, the city, the giant.  Give them faces, context, character, actual physical descriptions.  Show us the story, don't just tell us.  Make it breathe.  Take a wild chance and try for some basic structure or even a rhyme scheme.  Post a revision.  I know this might sound harsh, but I know a thing or two about epics.  I have one...done.
> 
> 
> PART 1
> ...



Thanks for the break down.


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## dwaleaf (Sep 2, 2015)

danielstj said:


> I would like to second Darkin's points. You should name the main character and it needs to be more epic, more stylized and more expansive if you're looking to create narrative poetry. Your work seems like a starting point that you should improve on. Luckily, you have some foundation to build upon. From here, it can only go up!
> 
> Look forward to reading your next revisions!



Thanks for the positive message!


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## Darkkin (Sep 2, 2015)

You have a decent concept, it just needs tweaking.


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