# April 2015 - LM - Bad Decisions - Scores



## J Anfinson (May 2, 2015)

April 2015 - LM - Bad Decisions - Scores


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*Entry**Folcro**Pidgeon84**KellInkston**Kilroy214**Average*NathanBrazil1513181214.5Narhval911141011ppsage1413171214rcallaci131819914.75J.J. Maxx1415201415.75LOLeah15919913Sleepwriter1181513.511.87godofwine12121713.513.62ShadowEyes9131169.75inkwellness179161313.75KnightPlutonian1413151013midnightpoet1210171112.5Meteli971399.5TKent1416191716.5joshybo1618201417JustRob1216171013.75M. Cull1214171113.5Jorm Arcturus121391712.75bazz cargo1414191716Zeynith "The Accident"11141914.514.62


Congratulations to joshybo for taking first with "*Broken*".

In second we have TKent with "*Smart Decisions, Inc.*"

And third: bazz cargo's "*Love, Lies and More Lies*".
​And now for the best part. Judge comments.

[spoiler2=Folcro] 

Frenzy
NathanBrazil

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

Your sentences are efficient; you know how to say a lot with few words: an admirable trait.

Outstanding job with the dialogue. It gets talky, but the distinction is clear in the vocabulary and syntax of each character that it all just flows, especially as you wisely chose to opt out of throwing dialogue tags all over the place.

*“Don’t you have resident charity cases that you can experiment your designer drugs on?”: *And that was a great line.

*She immediately spit the pill out, which she’d obviously cheeked, and started laughing:* Now here's where my problem comes in, and it has nothing to do with your prose...

Your MC is obviously an intelligent man (woman?), which you present so lucidly in his/her dialogue. I'm forced to ask myself: is this really the kind of person who would swallow a strange pill knowing that Kira likes to peddle these "designer drugs"? I can't jump up and outright call it unrealistic, as I'm sure similar things have happened before, but I feel it happened too sporadically, too easily. Here's a smart guy, oops now he's popping a strange pill from a girl he doesn't even trust.

*sloughing skin; simmering in a tub full of skin:* "Skin" twice in the same sentence, cuts into the flow. Sticks out when the prose is otherwise as good as yours.

My verdict on the first half of the story: Solid. Absolutely solid.

My verdict on the second: Had potential.

There was a lot more you could have done with the somewhat (albeit understandably) difficult-to-follow trip scene. When I read about his girlfriend flinging tampons saying "Not my sister", I really enjoyed it: you gave me an implication, a simple connect-the-dots for my imagination. It wasn't much, but it was something, and perhaps a bout of symbolism here and there as well.

I wanted more of that, more hints into this guy's past laced with abstract and perhaps frightening imagery. What you have here is the framework to a chapter igniting the story of an intriguing man (woman?) in a unique way. I would definitely keep this and consider ways to expand it.

Life
Narhval

Grammar: 4
Voice: 2
Effect: 3
*Total: 9*

*He was now 40 years old and had already done everything in his life that his parents had planned for him even buying his parents a brand new house upstate although calling it a house was a bit of an understatement it was more like a small mansion: *That was all one sentence. It should have been at least three.

He's rich, forty, letting his mother call the shots and it took her this long to find him a match?

This has no arch. That is not always a bad thing; in flash fiction, an often impossible thing. Sometimes a simple scene, a flash into the life of an interesting character is more than enough for a tiny story to succeed. But here's what I see:

A guy who's rich

Let his parents call the shots

Is unhappy with his boring life which he should be grateful to have

In short, you have a Disney princess, right down to standing on the edge of a balcony dreaming of more. It's a creative spin on the prompt, but that is not going to carry a work. You had plenty of more space to work with, next time use it.

Zombie Fish
ppsage

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

Interesting voice, it actually makes the present-tense narration taste not so bad, even work, which I don't think I've ever said before.

*"This cement barrier looks kind of suspicious to me.":* It seems to me the little fish is suspicious of the barrier _because _it's not natural. Do you think it might help the effect if the little fish did not know what concrete was as to identify it? I assume this is an otherwise natural place they are meeting and the "Wild" in "Wild Dummy" means that Willy is unfamiliar with captivity. Barring that, their backgrounds are unclear to me, but I think I got it.

*"On the other side of this cascade lies a veritable Nirvana of reproductive ecstasy. A pleasure land of gametic release mediated by angels of bipedal majesty. This is my third trip.":* Ralph seems to be attempting to cajole a simple, or otherwise naive little fish. I think what I have underlined here is overkill in such a discussion.

*So they do that:* Well that was easy.

*So they do that and swim-jump into the hatchery and into a tank which newcomers gradually overpopulate but before suffocation strikes a basket-cage lifts out the lot of them and deposits all the fish on a conveyor belt: *No, it's not a run-on sentence, but do you have to get all William Faulkner about it?

A little explainy, a little difficult to follow at times, at least for me. I'm not certain what exactly Ralph's motivations were, and you panned out of perspective in the second half, losing sight of what either character was feeling or how they interpreted the events that transpired, which I missed. But what I did like, I liked a lot.

A Run towards Madness
rcallaci

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

*Her knees buckled as she tripped over one of those accursed vines that sent her tumbling sideways into a bed of wilted roses:* I liked your structure in the sentences that preceded this--- they were short and easy to follow. It is fitting to lead an action scene with such sentences and then produce a longer one, then back to short, a practice I feel you were going for. The only problem is this last sentence was, while detailed, not easy to follow. You have her knees; her opinion about the vines; and her tumbling into the roses, the latter almost sounding like past perfect, which threw me off. I would cut "her knees buckled" and leave it at "she tripped," and cut "that sent her tumbling sideways," letting the sentence read "She tripped over one of those accursed vines into a bed of wilted roses." I feel it will hold the pace and sound more fluid.

*She heard Caleb’s screams as he was being eaten alive:* Seems like this might have been a good line to start with. Certainly got my attention.

"Filled her ears" is a cliché, which stick out even more when tacked to the end of a dramatic sentence.

*The roars and grunts of beasts unknown, the croaks and wails of bugs and slugs, the slithering sounds of slimy things, and the mournful moans and groans of those killer trees:* Maybe a tiny bit wordy toward the end, but good poetic description.

*It was a fucking zombie:* You had me at bones and pus.

You seemed to employ a bit of buildup as Caleb started to speak, then glossed over it as it was incoherent. I would have cut that down. Or maybe you could describe the gross, unwelcoming voice which once sounded so sweet.

At the end of the day, dumbass got what was coming to her.

Home 
J.J. Maxx

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

It didn't bother me so much, but it is often discouraged to begin a story in several ways such as waking up or looking out a window. Again, not something I would deduct points over, just something to keep in mind.

Removing "Attention citizens" from that line of dialogue I feel would make the line less generic and more atmospheric. Perhaps an echo effect?

My brother's playing emotional dramatic music in the other room, so maybe that helped, but I think you're doing a good job building up an emotional moment to this piece: I think it would have helped the tone and sounded more natural had the dialogue read "It's time, Joanna,"..."We have to go."

*...she said softly:* Two points which work in your favor: One, you have already established, whether you realize it or not, that this is a person who does not speak with a lot of force. Two, the extra words take away from the feel of the conversation. Easily removable.

*Joanna stared out the window... He sat next to her and stared out the window: *You can do better.

*There was no grass, just black dirt and the occasional husk of a long-dead tree:* A solid description.

*The wind whipped up the black dust into sporadic whirlwinds that danced in the distance:* A nitpick for sure, but "wind" twice in the same sentence, even in these slightly different incarnations, annoys me.

*“We’ve called this planet home for a long time,” he said. “We’ve taken everything the Earth could give us but when we depleted her core, we knew it was only a matter of time”: *We've seen this concept enough times for your description to tell itself without the cumbersome expository dialogue.

You got very talky once the atmosphere was set. This is a fine line to walk especially when a third party jumps into the conversation. The longest bit of description in all the dialogue was--- *...Joanna said. Her smile faded and she tried to hold back the tears. A lump formed in her throat.--- *a basic tag and two clichés. It made it difficult to grab hold of the conversation and draw from it the emotion you were trying to produce.

I like your application of the prompt: the only story I read so far where the main characters are not guilty of "bad decisions" but instead are victimized by the bad decisions of others. Still, I have to judge a story as it stands, and this, while off to a good start, fell short for me when the dialogue began. Had you held to the style of the first few paragraphs, I do think this could have been great; even if that would have forced you to truncate a few of the ideas, I think you could have done more with less.

A Bad Deed Punished
LOLeah

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

*Their last encounter had left her embittered:* Their last encounter left her bitter.

*Likely he didn't believe a word of it:* You may not realize it, but you said this already. Reinforcement is often more cumbersome than it is helpful.

*quite literally put a target on his person:* Eliminate "quite literally".

It seems you had a lot more to say than this particular medium afforded you. You strove to fit a lot of explanation which turned out sporadic, jumping from some letter, to flashback, to the tournament, back to the letter, to how the tournament worked, to her opinion of it, back to how it worked, all the way to la striscias and condontieris. You glossed so passively over the action of the story it was hard to tell if it was even happening or was a flashback. The writing was flowery, which fits the tone but was maybe a bit overdone as to force me to reread several sentences with more than three commas.

However...

You write with authority over the language and I can see a powerful education behind your words and syntax Even though I did not agree with all of the floweriness, I am maxing out your score for voice as it was still delivered with calculation and a very rare skill, delivering an atmosphere I felt I was a part of. This particular piece just needed more room to breathe than is allowed by this format. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Reap What you Sow
Sleepwriter

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 11*

Why was the first line in quotes? Why was the first line there?

*...an audible crunch could be heard:* I guess that's why it's audible.

*All he could see were exploding stars as his right eye socket shattered from the impact of an aluminum baseball bat:* I'm impressed he could see anything.

*Death’s icy fingers:* I guess death doesn't need ice cubes.

*...causing him to black out:* Finally

Watch out for "ands" when perhaps what the atmosphere demands are periods or commas. Sentences and clauses don't have to be long for the writing to be good.

*The coarseness of his plaster-casted hand against his face pulled him from his slumber as he tried to scratch an itch on his nose:* It would have been funny if he knocked himself back out with it.

*This was no hospital:* I guess that would be the conclusion.

*But why would they heal me:* I guess that would be the question. And is he saying this aloud?

Well that's... elaborate. It would probably take months for him to recover from a shattered eye socket, if they really want to wait that long. Hell, if they wish to go straight for the head with a baseball bat, they could well dislodge his brain from the stem, killing him instantly. Ah well, sometimes villains are just doofy.

I find you talk down to your readers a bit, using Daniel's thoughts and dialogue to tell the reader what they are, at a given time, supposed to be thinking: the questions they should be asking, and the conclusions they should be drawing. It starts to sound less like a story and more like a lesson on how to read a story, which is condescending, especially when you go a little overboard with the similes.

You were off to a great start though: I felt the weight of his situation early, and was compelled by his peril. Things got derailed shortly after. Good grammar and the fact that you clearly took the time to proofread this yielded you an above-average score overall.

Into The Woods
Godofwine

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

You got a little in depth for a guy you were about to get rid of in the next paragraph. Past perfect can be annoying to read when we're focused on the present: I would have started in the car.

*In her anxious state, the moon began playing games with her eyes, manipulating the shadows into ominous shapes until she wasn’t sure what was real anymore:* Could you try showing us what you mean?

*snarling defiantly:* Defying who? It sounds more like the wolf is hungry than obstinate.

I wish the wolf had eaten her.

He Didn't Need To Know
ShadowEyes

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 9*

*felt the weight of tenant-house above him*: Was he holding it up? Metaphorically? I saw no indication of that.

*Bernard’s own was thinning. Still, he said...: *Still, as in in spite of having thinning hair?

I had very little idea what was going on in this one. 

I can understand playing the pronoun game, two characters speaking cryptically to provide buildup to a reveal later on. Since we don't know early on (I never fully grasped it, to be honest) just what these men are talking about, there shouldn't be too much rambling. A few quick lines of dialogue, key words of intrigue, then describe what the characters are doing, their mannerisms. This had potential for an atmospheric piece. If that was your intention, you focused too much on shoehorning in a big plot, which it did not need. 

Bad Decisions
inkwellness

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

Interesting title, where did it come from?

*My head was pounding:* Is that... all?

I like the language. A few parts I might remove or change, but you're not overwriting, not striving to force me to see how great of a writer you are. You're giving me a lowlife, and I'm seeing a lowlife. You also balance long sentences with short ones and your application of each feels appropriate and smooth.

*She was what I would call adorably tragic although she did not seem to mind it:* This is one of the best sentences I've read all month.

*"Were they living in there?":* It seems to me this should be present tense, otherwise not in quotes.

*"Do you want it in coke?" I could tell that the situation was already out of hand:* This was great.

*After a barrage of foul language, she informed me that it was all she could do at the moment and that I would be crazy not to take it:* I would have fused these two ideas--- _through_ the barrage of foul language, she _informed_ me...--- I think it would have sounded smoother and the comedy would have hit closer to the mark.

*The daily dose of dysfunctional entertainment was probably not too different from reality television: *I ask myself*:* what is a writer this God damn good doing quoting Shakespeare in his signature?

Yeah, I was going to nitpick at all the little things I would have changed, but you robbed me of that pleasure by just how much fun this was to read. You apply the right touch of wit without cramming down my throat how clever you are, letting the character tell the story in such a natural, believable way. Knowing nothing about this man, you revealed to me a piece of who he was based solely on his interpretation of his surroundings, and I saw it all as clear as the 1080p screen I'm typing this on. Maybe the moral was a touch forced, but prompts and deadlines can do that.

Based on this little sample, it seems to me that you are the writer J.D. Salinger was trying to be.

Regret
KnightPlutonian

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

This is no pet peeve of mine, but something I heard is that many readers, especially publishers, are turned off by certain ways to begin a story, the biggest offender being a character's waking up. Again, not something I will deduct points over, but something to keep in mind.

*...the beautiful anguish of a hangover:* Now, I've never had one, but I've never heard any form of the word "beauty" associated with it by those who have.

*He hardly remembered dripping the chocolate all over her as she moaned in pain and ecstasy. He could just barely taste the remnants that the chocolate had left behind in the back of his throat: *I think it would be far more effective to just show the effects of the past and leave the details to us.

*“And help the Chief with his next election.”:* I know we need to wind it down, but maybe we're oversimplifying it a bit here?

The writing is good, but the plot hanged a little on all of the description which could have been whittled to key points in favor of some more characterization. The man's only personality trait is that he got rich too fast, an empty vessel anyone can fill, making the character more a role than a person. There are some who prefer this--- Orwell made a killing off of it--- but I would have preferred some more humanity.

Circuit Rider
midnightpoet

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

*pulling the mp3 player from her ear*: Do you mean the earpiece that was connected to the mp3 player?

*Carl thought he was going to get a hug, at least. Scrap that idea:* Scrap that sentence.

*It’s been six months, and you never even bothered to call me. Remember, you left right after the baby was stillborn:* Did you get all that, audience? Good.

*“Aw, Lulu. You know I had obligations. I’d already signed up for the Wyoming rodeo, paid my fee.”: *I really like this line: it's loaded with characterization through the contrast of what we know Carl truly feels. In one line of seemingly benign dialogue you reveal that this man is a coward and a fool. Well executed.

*Like that piece of junk pickup you bought me:* Wow, maybe the only foolish thing this guy actually did was come back.

*“Bull hockey. By the by, you smell like manure. What did you step in? Oh I forgot, you’ve been sleeping with the cows.”:* Yeah well, you're a doodie head.

*Carl felt his anger rising:* Really?

*He had a nine mil stuck in his belt: *Well, someone better help him get it out.

*He’s a good man, even bought me a new tractor and dug a new water well out back:* I really hope you're trying to get across that this woman is a whore.

A 12 gauge against a nine mil? I hope Carl comes to realize that bitch isn't worth a hangnail over.

Noble Affairs
Meteli

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 9*

I understand this is framed in the form of a flashback, but past perfect can be annoying to read for the duration of the story. There was also a lot of explaining, which made the story difficult to follow. I would practice truncating details not absolute to the coherence of the narrative, down to every word that is not needed.

Smart Decisions, Inc.
TKent

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 14*

You get right into it. I like that. The dialogue is smooth and not loaded with tags, the explanation is concise.

*...some kind of proprietary decision analysis software:* I guess that's a good enough explanation to get an idiot to buy something.

*Mildred asking me probing questions then typing my responses into her little computer*: I should very much have liked to know what some of these were.

*“Why not let people do this online? I mean, wouldn’t it save time?”:* Actually, this question really intrigued me. Feeling there had to be an interesting answer for the writer to bring this point up, I felt myself leaning forward for Mildred's answer.

*Mildred’s forehead creased. “But that would be so … impersonal.”:* ...Oh. I guess this was just a countermeasure in case the reader questioned it. Ok.

*Since when did the heart give a damn about a piece of paper?:* Since forever, but I get the point.

The ending was a touch predictable but more or less because I don't think there was any other direction to really go at that point. The writing was good, though there were a few holes (one of which you yourself did me the courtesy of pointing out) but I can look past that. Again, I think you wrote yourself into a corner at the end there, but the contest does not yield an easy format to master.

Broken
joshybo

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

I like the dialogue, you weave it well with character interaction instead of slapping tags on, which is something I always love to see.

*My response echoed between my ears, but the word never came:* I felt the prose was a little iffy in the first paragraph, bordering on overwriting (openers are pitfalls for that kind of thing), but you level it out here with a great line.

*...shooting uncertain looks at me:* I'm trying to envision this, and the result is more comedic than dramatic.

*“If you do, it's okay,” she prefaced: *Well, you _were_ doing well with dialogue tags...

Hmm, I just got to thinking... I can honestly say I haven't seen a story where a person has their suicide note read back to them. Surprising... but good for you.

Ohhh... I wanted more.

This was an excellent set up to an amazing story, and not even a very long one, maybe even this one scene, but I have to say I think it needed more space than this contest allows you. More flashback _maybe_ (though you'll rarely catch me saying that, and I don't mean the wreck itself) a bit more description in the room and in the characters, some more build up and atmoshpere. But the ideas and what was here was truly inspired. For that alone you get your props, but I really really think you can beef this up into a masterpiece.

Last Post Sunday Morning
JustRob

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

Can we give the historian a name? Somebody in this story needs a name, and it's not going to be the enigmatic man.

Well, that was a fairly large rule to overlook.

There was a lot of explaining in this piece, making it feel more like a synopsis (or the beginning of a larger work) and less like a narrative, which is not inherently wrong, but I would have liked to see some motion.

Our Father's Lies
M. Cull

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

I like the camera talk, gives atmosphere.

*untreatable plague!:* I know untreatable should make "plague" sound more menacing, but "plague" is a menacing word all on its own, and does not need help.

The idea was a lot bigger than six hundred words, I think, resulting in some shoehorned exposition and expository dialogue, which cuts deeply into the narrative flow, especially when leaning so heavily on dialogue. I would cut a lot of the technical details. This will clarify the narrative and keep the prose flowing smooth.

Characterization is another thing thrown aside for exposition. These people seemed lacking, feeling more like vessels that could be filled with a person than a person in themselves. _Show not tell_ is useful here, as you can show affection between him and her without a "By the way, they're lovers" .

Still, the fact that you stuck so closely to dialogue and prevented a complete disaster is noteworthy. I think your main problem is that you tried to pack too much in and the important things had too little space to breathe.

Caught
Jorn Arcturus

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

*They’re all looking for something. I help them find it, sometimes:* I don't think you needed this explanation yet, and feel the opening would have been stronger without it.

*She’s a Smith & Wesson, 9 mil, and a very eloquent speaker:* Yeah? Well up yours, buddy!

*I was about as shocked as nun in a brothel*: Ahh, you should have said a nunnery! that would have been awesome!

*Classy, but understated. Secondly, polyester gives me indigestion: *There's nothing classy about polyester, sister.

*I grinned humorlessly at the irony:* I grinned at the Irony.

*When I confronted her about it: *About what, going to the cops?

*The man’s name is Alexander Greyson:* What a moron.

*I cursed as it slipped from my shaking fingers*: I thought you'd been doing this a long time? How's this Starling-wannabe giving you the jitters?

Doesn't he have an escape plan? Underground tunnel? Laundry chute? Open window leading into a labyrinth of alleyways? This guy's not a very good assassin. I hope Clarisse takes him down without too much trouble.

Love, Lies and More Lies
Bazz Cargo

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total:14*

No Oxford Comma??? For shame.

*He screwed his eyes: *That's Kinky.

*there her husband lay spooning with Jesus: *You could have picked Jose, Juan, Julio or a million other names... but no. You did not.

I think a better title would have been _Gay of Thrones_. Speaking of which, I would also have liked more sex.

But I do always enjoy interpreting your work for some strange reason... I can't help but feel you're getting better at tickling me.

The Accident
Anonymous

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 11*


*Vibrations from his jacket caused him to jump:* This sounds more scientific than dramatic.

*...monstrosity was too heavy and cumbersome:* Pick one (I'd go with heavy).

*Gripping the handle, his still trembling hands had difficulties forming a solid hold on the unwieldy thing:* I understand he's nervous, but it's just a sledgehammer, not a dragon.

*He could patch it!:* Why bother? Just cut that part of the carpet out. Hell, tear the whole carpet out, there could always have been spatter only a microscope can see. I guess that's just not how they do it on CSI.

*“Paul!?”:* Do what you want, this is not generally done in published prose fiction. Comics and anime perhaps.

*Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He’d forgotten to move her car!:* She could have gotten abducted after she arrived to surprise you late one night, relax dude.

*...the pain subsiding as the beast’s rampant attacks grew still*: What beast is this again?

The story didn't so much and as it stopped.

Not too much to complain about, the prose was relatively smooth. Flowery for my taste, considering the subject matter. Using "retrieve" instead of "get", "blemished", "unwieldy", "not a foot from him", "besmirching", resorting to the passive voice--- makes it hard to take the situation seriously when I'm waiting for a knight to storm through on his horse. I would tone it down with that, consider shortening the sentences: these have been known to have great affect in both fiction and nonfiction when describing moments of peril.[/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Pidgeon84] Frenzy
NathanBrazil

SPaG: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13


This story is generally well written, but there are a couple glaring issues for me. The transitions in and out of the trip scene are very abrupt.


*She immediately spit the pill out, which she’d obviously cheeked, and started laughing. 


Oh shit.


The walls began to vibrate. The vibrations increased until all the walls gave way and the entire apartment was laid flat. We were travelling on an immense highway.
*

Bam! You’re in a new place like it’s nothing.


*The door flew open and I began to scream but then someone gave me a hard slap. Then another.
My eyes fluttered open. It took me a moment to orient myself, but then I realized I was still lying on that same damned upcycled blanket rug.*


And we’re out again with a slap to the face. Kind of ignoring the fact that is not how those kinds of drugs usually work (not that I would I know or… anything), but you start to enjoy where you’re at in the story and without warning it changes tempo.
My other issue is the lack of backstory on the characters. I think this could be solved by a little more efficient writing.


*My ex-girlfriend, wearing a blue bathrobe and curlers, pulled alongside us, in a flattened duplex. She was flinging tampons at my head and shouting, “Not my sister!” over and over again.*


With a little further explanation I think this could be all you need to explain just how the two mc’s know each other (assuming the ex-girlfriend and Kira are somehow related). Or it just needs to go away.


*On wobbly legs, I made my way to the entrance. My head was being spattered by fat, lazy drops that had lost their hold on fire escapes and window sills. Or perhaps it was a faceless beast dribbling saliva.


I knew what was on the other side of that door. It had to be that same faceless beast, sloughing skin; simmering in a tub full of skin. Hey buddy! Let’s forego the whole, beast-sucking-us-into-a-puddle-of-flesh scene. I’m down with all the other hinky crap that’s happened so far but I don’t think I can handle that. Clearly my body wasn’t interested in what I had to say, because my hand was reaching for the doorknob.*


I think this piece here can be trimmed down and made into something a little more meaningful or into a smoother segue back into reality. Something better than being slapped back. Not too bad though. As far as grammar goes, one or two periods that should be a comma but nothing that pops out to me in my initial read throughs.


Life
Narhval

SPaG: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
Total: 11


Your story is very short and very efficient. It’s well written and well structured. There’s just not much there to really hook me in or attach me to the character. You have a lot of space left to work with to add some drama or deeper emotion. You’ve got enough space here to double the story. What you have is good, there’s nothing to take out. My only suggestion would be to add something a little less cut and dry.


Zombie Fish
PPSage

SPaG: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Total: 13


I really like the story here, but it definitely reads a little clunky. I would suggest a more thorough proofreading next time. Here are the points that kind of killed the flow of the story.


*They presumably* (__?__) *near their birthplace.*


Did what near their birthplace?


*Can't say as I have a clue,*


Maybe I’m just reading this line wrong? I could just be an idiot but I read this line a few times trying to get a grasp on it but just couldn’t.


*"No idea," say*(s)* the fish who Ralph has now named Willy,*


Missing S here.


*"Makes all the difference," says Ralph. "There's a bipedal there called St. Peter who, as the saying goes, sorts the sheep from the goats. He sees that fin and out you go, down the reject tube. Back into the wild.


"Tell ya what I'll do kid. I can just chew that fin off. They'll never know."* 


I like this, I was a little worried the description of what happened to the fish would just be left to the narrator, but I was happy to find the, sort of, misinformed description from Ralph. I would just maybe interlude the two comments.


*So they do that and swim-jump into the hatchery and into a tank which newcomers gradually overpopulate but before suffocation strikes a basket-cage lifts out the lot of them and deposits all the fish on a conveyor belt.*


A little more description of the Ralph chewing off the fin would be nice. Just seems like something that wouldn’t go by so abruptly.


*Who needs a lot of dead soldiers in the milch*(?)


Had a period, should be a question mark. 

Ok, other than the grammar of the story, I like what’s here. Kind of a funny, quirky story (despite the depressing ending). I like the funny moral to end it and I like that there could be multiple levels to this depending on how deep you want to read into it. Just needed a closer second read through. 


A Run Towards Madness
rcallaci

SPaG: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 18


Wow, this is really good. Excellent vivid imagery mixed with a story that really kept me speeding through. I think you nailed the perfect mix of a great horror story. Not just monsters, blood, guts and so forth. There’s just the right touch of that stuff blended with a superbly creepy setting. There’s a kind of Lovecraftian/Grimm Brothers feel to it. I’m having trouble finding too much to critique. Here’s what I got.


*She stared in amazement at the dead and foul thing. It was Caleb. It was a mutilated piece of broken bones and half eaten flesh. It was foul and oozed blood and pus. The damn thing smiled at her. It was a fucking zombie. She froze as the thing started to speak:


“Ahhrfahhhfred Fmmmnpedght.”*


This paragraph I would just reword. I wouldn’t take anything, just make it less stop and go.


She stared in amazement at the dead and foul beast. Through mutilated bones and half eaten flesh, she recognized Caleb. The foul thing smiled at her as it oozed blood and pus. Her beloved partner had become a fucking zombie. She froze as the damned thing began to speak.


Just an example of what I think would make that particular paragraph a little better. Like I said, a little less stop and go and I also replaced one of the "things" with a different adjective for a little more variety. I think I would also do away with the "fucking" in the second to last sentence.


*After finishing its incoherent ramblings, it leapt upon Kristella and tried to take a large piece of brain out of her head. *


The brain eating is a little cliché and kind of threw me out of the story for a second. I think it could be made into something a little creepier to fit the rest of the story.


*It is said: if you listen closely-- you can hear the wailing cries of the “Mad Banshee” of the Black Forest…*


Again, a little cliché, but I kind of like how it adds a very story book feel. 

Now, that all said, I had to look relatively hard to even find things that needed critiquing and come up dry. Very well done! 


Home
J.J. Maxx

SPaG: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Total: 15


I’m a little conflicted with this story. It’s well written and well structured, didn’t find any spelling or grammar issues. I got a little lost with who was talking. I know there are some differing opinions on tacking the character’s name at the end of quote, but there are some spots here that need it. I know you were probably fighting the word count, but I think it could have added a little more depth to this. Other than that you have a very clean piece of prose here.


This kind of brings me to my conflict. There’s something missing from this. The story just isn’t grabbing me. The conversation may be a tad too generic. Maybe not enough backstory, again I think the word count maybe hindered the story a bit. This is very subjective though. You’ve written a very clean story here. Very few mistakes and I hope it grabs some of the others.


A Bad Deed Punished
LOLeah


SPaG: 4
Voice:2
Effect: 3
Total: 9


So, I don’t really what is happening in this story. I guess two guys are fighting over a woman in some sort coliseum type duel? There is too much here that is chalked up to “mystery” or we are kind of left to fill in the blanks. What is the The Melee, who is the Doge (Also, this where I found the typo, ofthe Doge), who are the knights, who are the mercenaries? What do they do? Who do they work for? Most importantly, who are these three MC’s and why should I care? How are they connected? The Duke (who we know nothing about) did…something to Katia (who we also know nothing about) and for some reason condottieri (once again, I’m clueless) needs revenge. I think this could be an interesting full length story but there are so many details that need to be filled in.


Reap what You Sow 
Sleepwriter

SPaG: 5
Voice: 1
Effect: 2
Total: 8


I was relatively intrigued by the intensity of assault scene. So I was interested to get to the end to see what that was about, but that’s all this story really had going for it. There was no sort of unique voice or feel to this story. It’s just a very straightforward telling of an event. However, I can handle this with an interesting enough story. Where you lost that as well was the reason he had been kidnapped and assaulted. Cheating? He must have slept with the wives of the most insane husbands ever. The stakes are small and the punishment for what has been done is too unrealistic. I might take this and just delve headlong into Hostel/Saw type horror. In that case it may not be more believable but there will be higher stakes and more intense settings and storyline. As is, there is no interesting settings, emotions, stakes, anything really. 


Into the Woods
GodofWine

SPaG: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
Total: 12


I think there’s good stuff going on here. The description of the moon and woods playing tricks is excellent. I really sped up my pace when Kara meets the wolf. This story could have really benefited from less talk about Tommy, friends, and getting out of the house. I don’t really need to know where she got her skirt from, but I would love a little more build up with the wolf. There’s not too much that needs to cut out and not too much that needs to take its place. The kind of main, intense scene just needs to last a bit longer. My other complaint is that it feels a bit too much like a generic 80’/90’s horror movie. I’m just glad she didn’t start to run and trip on the air. Not a bad job, there’s just some stuff to shift around.

He didn’t need to know
Shadoweyes

SPaG: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 13

Ok, there’s some pretty gripping stuff. There’s excellent dialogue and setting. There’s a story here that really pushes the reader forward. My complaint here is that the problem remains rather vague. I would like to know a little bit more about the woman who was killed. I kind of assumed it was Bernard’s wife. Also in one of the last paragraphs a lot of stuff kind of gets spilled out all at once and it threw me for a bit of a loop.

*They talked. They sought out the old days. And in their conversation on the woman who both knew so much, Bernard let slip her last words: he said, “Y’know, she was like that! Always! She never stopped. She told me, listen here, ‘It was Danny who burned the shop.’ He killed her. She knew.” At once he knew he made a mistake. “Her father?! Him?! I’ll kill him, I will! I’ll spill his guts!” Mick balled his fist and stuck his red nose out. “I’ll stick with you to the end!” And like a tempest, he stormed out, knocking the table over.*
*It wasn’t morning before the assassin came again.
*
Who is the assassin? Is it the father, someone the father hired, or Bernard? What burned shop? I think a little more insight and spreading the information in this paragraph throughout the rest of the story would really make this a top tier story.
*Bernard Bergman chose his deathday.
*
This was also something that was never really revisited or explained. Things that are open to imagination or assumption can be really cool, but we’re just left guessing on too much essential stuff here.

*Someone wants a bit here, I give ‘em a bit and a bite for myself. *
I feel like bite should shouldn't also be bit here. This is my one grammar complaint. 


Bad Decisions
Inkwellness 

SPaG: 5 
Voice: 2
Effect: 2
Total: 9

I don't have much here to criticize technically. The Grammer and structure all seem fine to me. There's just not much to grab my attention. The voice is very straightforward and generic. There's not really any personality to speak of and no real stakes. It was just a very black and white telling of events. I think you have some spots where you could have spun off into something more intriguing or thought provoking. The little girl is a good example. She could have really lent to a bigger realization within the MC or some more inner struggle or split personality in the MC would have been cool. There just needs to be more layers or action here. Something that may not just have to do with the drugs.

Regret
KnightPlutonian 

SPaG: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 13

The progression of this story was pretty interesting. Once I knew that we were kind of listing off the girls in the house I had good motivation to keep going forward. My complaint here is the lack insight into the character. I think the bits about the kitchen and food should be replaced with a little backstory or insight. You have almost an entire paragraph that could be used for much more interesting ways. I understand it's kind of displaying his wealth, but that comes across well enough at other points. 

At the very end he talks about a his lottery ticket and speaking to himself, I suppose? That would be something good to get into. Who is he talking to or what is he talking about. I like the story, I would just like a little more insight and there's definitely spots that could be replaced by backstory.

Circuit Rider
Midnightpoet 

SPaG: 3
Voice: 2 
Effect: 5 
Total: 10

The accents really took away from this story, which isn't a bad story. You kind of feel a build up to something coming at the end, which was good. But the accents and dialogue kept me from immersing myself into the story. They just did not read well and seemed kind of shoe horned in. At the end it even leaks into the narration, accents should never make their way into a third person narration. 

*Carl turned and left, but as he drove off, he started working up a real good mad.*

My other complaint are a couple lines that read a bit like a soap opera. Just something else that wouldn't let me immerse into the story. 

*It’s been quite a spell since I’ve seen you.*

Quite a spell, that phrase just bothers me. This could be something that only bothers me, but it just doesn't seem to fit. 

*Remember, you left right after the baby was stillborn. How could I forgive you for that?*

A simple rewording here is all that's needed. "Am I supposed to forget about that?" or "I can't just forgive you for that." 

*Dammit Lulu, If it weren’t for me you’d be in the pore house, and ya know it.*

Poor, I don't think accents should really affect the spelling of things. 

*You hurt her, and I ain’t gonna hurt her at all.*

As opposed to the other two lines, I'm a little more adamant about this one. It really needs to change. 

These are just some things that stood out to me. I don't mean to impose my own or any style when I suggest examples. I'm just trying to show ways it could flow better. The accents and the dialogue kept stopping me and making re read. Which is my major complaint.

Nobel Affairs
Meteli

SPaG: 1
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 7

There is one big glaring issue with this story, grammar. The amount of grammar issues in this story almost makes it too hard to follow. My best suggestion is ask just about anyone on this forum to help you proofread. We're all very willing. 

One other thing that makes this hard to follow is that it jumps from one point to another. It starts out following the woman with the man abroad than goes back in time and follows the man through 10 years, jumping from point to point rather abruptly. I would suggest just starting with one of the characters at end of the 10 years and they're recalling their relationship just before they meet again.


Smart Decisions 
TKent

SPaG: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16

I liked this one quite a bit. It was quirky and original. I wasn't too sure where it was going in the beginning, but it definitely left me pleasantly surprised. No grammar issues to speak of. It wasn't too funny of a piece, but afterwords I felt like I had read something funny. You didn't leave me feeling like I had missed anything or that I needed back story. The bases were all covered really well. I don't think I have anything to criticize here.

Broken
Joshybo 

SPaG: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 18

I found this so emotionally gripping and connected to it on a lot of different levels (it doesn't help that Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is playing in the other room. I think I'm tearing up!). The note and Jennifer's reaction to it really created all the connection there needed to be between these two characters. The history is kind of left to the reader in just the right way. Then the last couple lines of his rejection of her promise was so heartbreaking. Once again, I really feel connected to this story. Very nicely done.

Last Post Sunday Morning 
Justrob 

SPaG: 5
Voice: 4 
Effect: 7
Total: 16

I really liked how meta this piece was! The reference to itself is really funny. This really stands out for its originality and unexpected turn. It also had a mysterious feel to it. You could really take the historian digging the man's past and make it into a bigger story. I would be all over that. I guess the only thing I have to criticize is that it kind of took the ending to justify the rest of the story. Don't get me wrong though, that's not really a bad thing because it was a wonderful pay off. So, well done for making a wonderfully original piece.

Our Father's Lies
M. Cull

SPaG: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 14

This story had a very nice progression to it. I really blew through it. Though the MC kind of had a generic super villain feel to him at the start, by the end we get to see his vulnerability once everyone else exits the story. The explanation of the technology didn't feel forced which can often happen in these kinds of stories. I liked the inclusion of present day technology (the smart phone), it gave the story a realistic touch, something that almost feels attainable. All this said, I just feel like I've heard this story before. Like I said, the MC had kind of a generic super villain feel going on, the intro with the doctor and the interaction with his lover kind of added to that. Just in the way that he treats them. The idea of this widespread contagion seems like an idea that's been used many times before as well. It kind of reminded me of Resident Evil. Don't get me wrong though, you've done really good job and really managed to hook my interest.

Caught
John Arcturus 

SPaG: 5 
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 13 

Pretty good job here. I liked the twist towards the end. The MC had a good voice and personality. I liked the setting you set in the beginning as well. My problem here is that I didn't find myself too hooked. It was an easy read, kept me moving forward. But I just didn't find myself enthralled. I think a more dramatic ending could've helped. I really couldn't tell you what that would look like, I just didn't feel like ending on a cheeky one liner was very satisfying. All this story really needed was a nice on top to wrap it up. An other wise good effort, well written and structured and as I said before nice twist and setting.


Love, Lies and more Lies
Bazz Cargo

SPaG: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Total: 14 

I thought this was really funny. I thought the violent ending was maybe a bit over the top, but worth it for the joke we got and the wife calling Alice. Not to mention how over the top the whole story is. So in the end it really fits right in. So, just a couple of grammar nitpicks here. 

*What the? “Who the hell?”(?) Stomach knotted*

Something is definitely missing before "stomach knotted. "

*there her husband lay spooning with Jesus.*

This just doesn't sound right. I might try "her husband was lying in bed, spooning with Jesus."

*Julie turned back to the master (Laugh) bedroom where Oliver was nearly dressed.**

Ditch the (Laugh). It's trying a bit too hard and throws off the flow. Not really grammar, it just threw me off. Other than that stuff this very well done and very funny. I really enjoyed it.[/QUOTE]

The Accident 
Anonymous 

SPaG: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Total: 14 

This one moved along at pretty decent pace. I could really feel the MC's anxiety as he was rushing to clear the evidence. I liked his coming to terms with his loss at the end. It left some back story to the imagination but not too much. Though one thing that pulled me out of the story a bit was that they suspected the MC of murdering the woman after only 3 hours. It just seemed unrealistic to me. The story was fairly gripping and moved along at just the right pace though. Good grammar and structure. Overall pretty good job. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=KellInkston] NathanBrazil
“Frenzy”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:8
Overall:18
Good stuff, love this for the most part. The author really nailed the “sketchyness” of popping for fun, and I loved the tripping scene. The tone seemed personal and heavily in the head of the narrator- which I think was a perfectly fine decision, and it fits well.
I would say, and this is a more personal thing, that the bit could have done more with the amount of words it had. Armadillos and tampon-hurling Exes are all well and good, but I feel like there’s some spark in this that would really, _really_ hit it home.


Ppsage
“Zombie Fish”
S&G:5
T/V:3
Effect:9
Overall:17
Damn, I mean _damn._ Somehow I just knew those fish would meet a bitter, painful end- the hands of humans upon animals rarely has a positive benefit for the earlier. I quite like the two of them as characters, but the style seems dry. I feel as though the writer could more- efficiently tie information into their action beats. A few times we were just sort of pulled aside and told how fish work, which was a slight pull from the story.
Also, this is certainly the lewdest thing I’ve ever read about fish. “Deliciously milked” is not a phrase I would liken to them often, so it took me a bit by surprise. I liked it.


LoLeah
“A Bad Deed Punished”
S&G:4
T/V:5
Effect:10
Overall:19
Okay this is something I can get behind. While I do have some concerns upon the author’s grammatical composition (some sentences were awkwardly phrased, though technically correct) the action and thrill of vengeance was greatly appealing to me.
There is a lovely sense of size in this piece; it causes me to wonder if it may be related to a large body of work. The condottieri was a pretty enjoyable character, I like men who get things done~


Sleepwriter
“Reap What You Sow”
S&G:4
T/V:4
Effect:7
Overall:15
This is alright. There were some instances in which it wasn’t clear if the narrator was thinking or saying something, and that was quite distracting. Otherwise it was quite enjoyable; the prospect of vengeance is truly stirring.


Godofwine
“Into the Woods”
S&G:5
T/V:4
Effect:8
Overall:17
I liked this one. The first opening sentences, especially the ones describing being put out in the woods, are rather vague, but overall the piece was enjoyable. I also feel as though the author left the trail of the story a little bit to talk about the fashion of the youth, and that drew me away from the spooky forest a little bit. Concerns aside, thumbs up.


ShadowEyes
“He Didn’t Need to Know”
S&G:3
T/V:3
Effect:5
Overall:11
The grammar and clarity for this one could be greatly improved by action beats, to ensure the reader would not be confused by who was speaking. This was to a point that it was hard for me to follow what was happening in the story. So I’m not sure if I can really fairly rate the story, but what I was able to piece together seemed a bit abrupt and not very thrilling to me. But yes, I like to like fiction, but this one didn’t catch me- sorry.


Inkwellness
“Bad Decisions”
S&G:4
T/V:5
Effect:7
Overall:16
This was pretty nice. A few things could have flowed more clearly between action and dialogue, but for the most part it was clear. The kid was an awesome move, and made me care about the situation at the thought of a child having to live inside a car. I liked it.


KnightPlutonian
“Regret”
S&G:5
T/V:4
Effect:6
Overall:15
This started out very promising; I was impressed at the second swig of wine to drown out his uncertainties. It seemed like the rest was fairly happenstancial though, the only really notable action being right at the end. I don’t quite understand the deal about the ticket, so I can’t say I appreciated the end much.
That said, this isn’t bad, but the wine-sipping gimmick did drag on too long for my tastes. I can imagine that was an awesome party though.


Midnightpoet
“Circuit Rider”
S&G:5
T/V:4
Effect:8
Overall:17
Pretty tootin’ good. While this author has good story beats and flowing dialogue, the dialogue in question seems fairly unnatural, more so for the female character than the other two men. Overall it was good dialogue, just a bit grand-standish at times. Perhaps the author could put in that Carl has a problem speaking, or allowed her to speak and not immediately rebuttal.


Meteli
“Noble Affairs”
S&G:3
T/V:3
Effect:7
Overall:13
This was an interesting story, but it was bogged down by a style that struck me as bland- it may simply be my own tastes, so I cannot say for sure. Much of this was difficult to read through, and the word seemed consistently awkward at times. The story itself is quite smart though- I thought we wouldn’t see the groom again.


TKent
“Smart Decisions Inc.”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:9
Overall:19
A very polished piece of fiction. It did not push me all the way personally, but I struggle saying why; it just didn’t do it for me at the end. I’m really quite impressed with everything about this piece, dialogue, action, tone- everything fits great. Awesome Job.


Joshybo
“Broken”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:10
Overall:20
Hot damn! I adored this. Everything’s solid, and the story is cool. I appreciate the easy grammatical flow and dialogue, but most of all the blinking bit was a fantastic idea for a story mechanic. Very _very_ good.


Anonymous
“The Accident”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:9
Overall:19
A very enjoyable piece. That sort of cold-sweat awkwardness when one could be talking to a killer is heavy here, and I love it. I could say that I personally would have liked maybe some hinting at what exactly happened, but I can understand the time constraint would make that difficult. An overall great work.


Narhval
“Life”
S&G:3
T/V:4
Effect:7
Overall:14
An interesting twist on the theme. There are a few missing commas and the readability suffers for it. The last line was awesome too, but the story as a whole remains unimpactful. I can relate a bit though: I’ve had moments in which I feel like I haven’t made enough decisions of a certain sort, so I can rather relate. Good stuff.


Rcallaci
“A Run Towards Madness”
S&G:4
T/V:5
Effect:10
Overall:19
A delightfully dark piece. The author really knew how to nail the most disturbing and emotional part, personifying one’s lover being killed by an undefeatable foe. Terrifying, painful, but very, very satisfying. There were some slight spelling errors, but nothing so great that it would detract from the piece. Very good.


J.J. Maxx
“Home”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:10
Overall:20
Another excellent piece; I’m smacked in the face every time I think “okay, that must be all the incredible writers to find on this site”.
The story beats had a transient style to them, passing time quickly with only a sentence; this caught me slightly off guard, but not enough to detract from my enjoyment.
Really as far as grammar and tone go, it all works perfectly, but the story is something truly touching. “She held the small stone in her hand and was happy that her grandfather was the only person who was already home.” Is an excellent ending line and I applaud the writer.


JustRob
“Last Post Sunday Morning”
S&G:4
T/V:5
Effect:8
Overall:17
Good piece. The twist on the historian being fiction was satisfying, and though time travel is rarely my thing, I adore it when it is done right. The author’s style was perfect for this piece, giving an air of temporal uncertainty to the piece- I ask myself even if the author is real, or not some temporal anomaly from another time. Last thing, the piece read a little slow and was a tad difficult to get through, I’d recommend breaking up paragraphs a little and rewording a few sentences. Great job.


M. Cull
“Our Fathers’ Lies”
S&G:5
T/V:4
Effect:8
Overall: 17
Another good one. Is it possible MansaCorp is meant to reflect Mansanto? If so, a humorous decision. Overall I liked this. Doomsday scenarios are usually tons of fun and the author did it right here. I think the style could have been improved a tad, would have loved a more in-depth moment with Raymov’s personal decision of suicide, but that’s just me. Good work.


Jorm Arcturus
“Caught”
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:9
Really fun. A great twist on a common first-person detective drama. I really was not expecting him to be the murderer in question, but it being him opens up a new line of interest. Does he go around masquerading as a detective and kill people without a warrant? Is his relationship with his gun so strong that he’d rather enjoy the thrill of shooting someone more than getting paid? Very thoughtfully done, and very good.

Bazz Cargo

Love, Lies and More Lies
S&G:5
T/V:5
Effect:9
Overall:19
Awesome piece. “Spooning with Jesus” is a great line and just one of many very enjoyable ones in here. The style was quick and raw, my preference most of the time. And Julie’s last line to Mark was such a stinger, I grinned. Very good job! [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Kilroy214] Nathan Brazil
Frenzy

SPAG: 4
Tone: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 12

First and for most, you have an eye for description that paints a vivid pictureof the story's settings. I think that in this particular story, it was alittle too much, in that I felt in some places, especially the openingparagraph, felt a little info-dumpy. The dialogue banter these twocharacters share seems rather genuine and I enjoyed it. SPAG was rather cleanwith the exception of a few spots punctuated incorrectly.

I have to say, and this is something I will be addressing in severalsubmissions, when somebody is thinking in your story, as in there is an innerdialogue being written out, please please please! format it differently thanthe rest of the story. It is very confusing to the reader and forces themto re-read the part over until they understand what it is they just read.

I also found Kira's reaction of doubling over with laughter a bitconfusing. Yes, the guy is tripping balls, but all the stuff that isgoing on I assumed was going on in his head. What had he done in reality thatshe found so amusing?


Narhval
Life

SPAG: 2.5
Tone: 2.5
Effect: 5
Total:10

I liked the thought behind this story, about how even one's bad decision's are good because they are their own. I, however, could not get around the mechanical way this story read, leaving little emotion for the reader to identify with. Coupled with the fact that there is sparse punctuation (I don't think there is one comma in this story) and lots of telling and not showing that happens throughout, I didn't feel much sympathy or empathy for Rick by the end of the story, which is sad because it had a pretty powerful conclusion.


ppsage
Zombie Fish

SPAG: 4
TONE: 2
Effect: 6
Total: 12

I have to admit, this was a strange story that I think worked out prettywell. My on problem with it was that it was set in the present tense, andit made for some wonky sounding lines. I think there were also some miswordedsentences as well( They presumably near the birthplace...for one).
I was not a fan of the contractions (other's, who's) in the first twoparagraphs, before they are introduced. Also, the paragraphs about the Salmonand the hatchery fish's vestigial fin, and the older fish being removedfrom the breeding cycle, felt very info dumpy. They almost felt likefoot notes or a Greek chorus. And I can understand the inclusion of theone about the vestigial fin, but what does the information about the Salmonhave to do with the story, or more importantly, what does is to do move thestory along?

Also, spell out 250 or lose it for something else (hundreds of, thousands of...etc) it looked very odd, especially leading off a sentence and a paragraph.

For the most part, I enjoyed this fun little go of a story, "deliciouslymilked" will forever haunt my dreams, and the moral of the story is onefore the books!


rcallaco
A Run Towards Madness

SPAG: 3
Tone: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 9

Man (or Woman) on the run stories can be a very exciting and thrilling piece ofwriting, and this has its thrills and excitement, but there aresome writing mechanics that kept bringing the story to a stop and left mefeeling rather unsatisfied by story's end.
First and foremost, the opening line "Kristella's lungs were burning asshe continued to run." is written in a very passive voice. in a thrillstory, all lines should be short and concise (most writing should be this way,actually) try to make it as efficient as possible.

Kristella's lungs burned as she ran. - don't give the reader time to slow down.The story is fast pace, as such the writing should be as well.

I found it very annoying that there is nothing but build up in the firstparagraph and nothing to show for it. I think if the reader could see or atleast get an idea of what she's running from in that first paragraph, it wouldkeep their thoughts on the story instead of what my thought's were by the endof the first paragraph, which were "What the hell is going on here?"

...the croaks and wails of bugs and slugs. - Slugs make sounds?

I also didn't quite understand the part about the thing keeping pace with herwhen it said in the line before that she dared not turn to look at what waschasing her. I mean, how would she know. And then she decides to make a stand,and I couldn't help but ask Why? It was just stated that it was keeping pace,it wasn't gaining on her.

"Ahhrfahhhfred Fmmmnpedght." - Please don't do this.

I think the idea of the story was sound but I think the execution could haveused some fine tuning.


J.J. Maxx
Home

SPAG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14

This was a nice bit of noir-sci fi that left me wondering, "how do youdeplete a planet's core?"
I felt the emotion that was going on in this story, and I found the ending tobe satisfying as the family says there tearful goodbye. I can only suggest thatI think the story would have been stronger if the woman's voice announcing thedeparture time had stopped interrupting the story. I think you probably couldhave gotten away without it being used at all, it would have been easy enoughfor one of the characters to say how much time they had.
There were a few places where punctuation was a little off, usually at dialoguetags, and an instance of odd word placement. Also, universe should not becapitalized as by itself, it is not a proper noun.
Something else that nagged me after reading was; what exactly was the bad decisionhere?


LOLeah
A Bad Deed Punished

SPAG: 3
Tone: 2
Effect: 4
Total: 9

This was an interesting piece of story telling that left me googling"condottieri", but as the story went on, I became rather confused inthe action scenes that left me feeling frustrated by story's end.

First off, there were several sentence fragments that jumped out, and a fewlines that left me puzzled, like...

Likely, he didn't believe a word of it. - didn't believe a word of what?

No more than he had ever lost. - ?

I think these are confusing to me because they don't seem like they should betheir own sentences, but should be connected to something else in the story.

The fight scene between Duke and the nameless knight was too confusing for meto tell who was who, who was pummeling who, and just what was going on. With neither character named and lines like "He smiled triumphantly as hepummeled him." I kind of gave up trying to figure it out. If you didn'twant to give names, that's fine, but if you do that, pick on persons POV andstick with it.

I was also left wondering why this mercenary captain cared about fighting forKatia's honor at all. I feel like we got two halves to two different storiesthat just don't really fit together. 


Sleepwriter
Reap What You Sow

SPAG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13.5

This was a tale of ultimate revenge, and I'm a sucker for revengestories. And while it was great to see this guy get his justdesserts, too much of the story came off sounding a little clichéd for myliking. It pushed it past the realm of believability.
SPAG was pretty tight with the exception of a mis-tense word (mayinstead of might) and a punctuation error.
The build up to the reveal just didn't really ring true to me. Using lines like"Death's icy fingers..." and "A minute ticked by, then two
..." and "Oh god! I've been kidnapped, but why would they healme?" just made this sound like a radio serial from the 50's.


godofwine
Into the Woods

SPAG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13.5

I have to compliment you in that your SPAG has greatly improved in the last year. There were only a couple issues I found here, and both were just wrong word selection.

There story itself is quite the build up, I was expecting a rather climatic ending, but was left feeling like a Deus Ex Machina swooped in and saved the day here. I was also a little angry that Tommy the Prick wound up becoming a the hero that rescued her. I was kind of hoping the wolf would have chewed his throat and Kara could have hopped in his ride and left his ass in the dust.

There were a few instance where I think less is more could have helped, especially the bit about " ten minutes passed and she still couldn't see the main road.", and "With shadows on the outskirts of the path, she took measured steps in the center", and small things, like the 'thereafter" at the end of the second line, and the "like a frog" when here breath catches in her throat. They just felt unnecessary. 

Also, if the "twin golden orbs" are eyes, call them eyes when we first see them. It was odd that we see "golden orbs" and then she's looking for the beast "behind the orbs" and then suddenly they're eyes.

The darkness replied with a deafening silence. - I, personally, felt this was a cliché line. I've been known to be wrong on rare occasion, but this just struck me a bit hacky.

All in all, the build up was great, there was just now real ending, like the story kind of runs out of gas. I assume this is because of the word constraint, and believe me, I know how much a bastard that can be.


ShadowEyes
He Didn't Need to Know

SPAG: 3
Tone: 2
Effect: 1
Total: 6

I'm not going to lie, I don't know what was going on in this story. The conversation between the two was confusing because I couldn't tell who was talking to whom, and with odd lines like "He sighed into his shadow." and when you clean house "The cat's show up." it isn't hard to understand why.
There are a few sentence fragments, "lying" is used when it should be "laying", issues with tense, and formatting issues (I'm guessing) when we get to the dialogue.

I read this story three times, and every time I got to the end, I was left with the same thought, "I have no idea what happened in this story."


Inkwellness
Bad Decisions

SPAG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 4
Total: 13

This story was a vivid tale of addiction and a look at how the other half lives. Spag was top notch, and detail was nice. It was not hard to imagine the scenes your story was taking place in. I think you have a knack for descriptive narrative. My only complaint, really, is that the story didn't really feel like it went anywhere. I was left feeling a little flustered by the end because I was expecting something, and the main character just kind of drives off into the wild blue yonder.


KnightPlutonian
Regret

SPAG: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 2
Total: 10

For a story called Regret, the main character doesn't sound too remorseful about the house full of hookers(?) he's just killed(?). I found the use of the "Aiden drinking wine" line to interject between paragraphs to be rather annoying. And was the framed ticket on the wall a lottery ticket?
It just felt like we are exposed to what this guy has done and then it's the end of the story, like he's just wondering around looking at what he's done. There's no arc, no resolution, and no satisfaction at the end of this story.


midnightpoet
Circuit Rider

SPAG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 5
Total: 11

This bit of story started off sounding pretty interesting, but by the end, had turned into what was shaping up to be an episode of COPS. There were several spots that I think sounded odd or just plain wrong.
Headphones get ripped from your ear, not the MP3 player itself.
"...you'd be in the pore house..." - Poor, not pore.
"He had a nine mil..." - just say he had a pistol.
"he started working up a real good mad." - a real good what?

This, and some other things, made the characters come off comically hokey, like a parody. If that's what you were going for, fine, but I don't think it was.


Meteli
Noble Affairs

SPAG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 3
Total: 9

I have to say, this felt like it was supposed to be a bit of a Victorian bodice ripper, but there was a lot of strange and choppy wording throughout that left me feeling lost. I felt that this was almost all unimportant back story about a guy who was going to try to get noticed by Lady Robertha. I think that was the story there, instead, we have this mass back story with unimportant characters to a story that doesn't even happen.


TKent
Smart Decisions, Inc

SPAG: 4.75
Tone: 5
Effect: 7.25
Total: 17

This was a great read, thank you for submitting. There were a few questionable word and punctuation choices, but overall, this was a very sound and solid piece of writing. I liked the line about the uppity cat! I enjoyed this.


joshybo
Broken

SPAG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 14

This story left me wondering exactly who was in the wrong at the end, which I don't think is a bad thing, at least in this story. I like the idea that the ending is left slightly ambiguous. Too often is the case writers like to bash the obvious into the reader's skull.
My only complaint was that it didn't really move me. It came off sounding a bit insincere, like the emotional heartstrings were being pulled at a little too much.


Just Rob
Last Sunday Morning

SPAG: 3
Tone: 2
Effect: 5
Total: 10

This story felt like a two hundred word tale that was stretched to 650. There was a lot that could have been cut out, coupled with that all we have to call either person is "the historian" and "the eccentric man" it left me feeling confused and frustrated. I thought the publisher's note was a bit comical, and I think I understand what happened here, but it was not enough to save my opinion of the story.


M. Cull
Our Father's Lies

SPAG: 4
Tone: 3
Effect 4
Total: 11

This was an interesting tale, complete with nice cliffhanger ending, however, there were a lot of nits in this story that could not be overlooked.
Foremost: there is a lot of telling and not showing that happens in this story. Lots of information that could be delved to the reader through means other than just telling us are just told to us. This occurred throughout, and it was enough to ruin the story for me. There were also several other bits of info that I feel could probably just been removed.


Jorm Arcturus
Caught

SPAG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 7
Total: 17

This had a very nice noir set up right off the bat. There were a couple of lines I though sounded a bit off, like "Ms. Walker dived for the doorway," and "aiming at the wall providing Ms. Walker cover.". I think they could be reworded or tweeked slightly to make the flow a bit easier.
There were also a few things that caught my attention as well.
"...fishing out another clip." - Magazine, not a clip.
"Twenty six rounds. Not enough." - how many mags did he pick up? sounds like a lot for one spare.
I would have liked a more climactic ending, but I understand you can only do so much with the word limit given. Overall, it's a sound little story as it is. I enjoyed it.


bazz cargo
Love, Lies and more lies

SPAG: 4
Tone: 5
Effect: 8
Total: 17

What can I cay, bazz. Your tales of Love and Death never cease to amaze me. You are truly a master of the art. I can't think of the last time I've read one of your stories and didn't say, "Wow". I have to say, the only real issue I had was your capitalizing of the word "hon" (and that one instance of "gay")
And the naysayers may nay, but I think you did exceptional in 360 words, bean-counters be damned! (err... word counters, I mean...)


The Accident
Anon

SPAG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14.5

An interesting tale of murder from the murderer's point of view. I couldn't help but wonder what the hell this woman had done that had pushed this guy over the edge. or that maybe he's just a psycho. I think that was part of what I liked about the story, the not knowing.
I couldn't help but cheer for the poor sap as he hammered away at the massive coffee table and tear of the blood soaked carpet.
Overall, the story was very good. My only issue was that the ending kind of felt like it stumbled. I can get the guy giving up, but the fact that he'd forgotten to move her car, and the friend that came calling just happened to be a cop, and that they were all so worried and she'd only been missing a few hours...it just seemed a little too convenient. [/spoiler2]


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## TJ1985 (May 2, 2015)

Excellent efforts all around by both the contestants and judges. Congrats to you Josh! You're really starting a nice collection of wins my friend.


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## LOLeah (May 2, 2015)

Thank you so much to all the judges! I am happy with my first try and look forward to participating again with all your feedback in mind. My overall score was about 2 points below what I was shooting for but I have a good idea of what to fix to do better next time. 

Thank you as well J Anfison. 

Congrats to joshybo (you're really killing it lately!) and all the runners up.


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## midnightpoet (May 2, 2015)

Congrats to joshybo, you obviously have a knack for this short stuff.  I realized mine had problems after it was too late (as usual), and I appreciate the judges comments.  Since my experience as a judge for the PiP contest, I have acquired a new perspective and I realize more than ever what the judges go through - and I do have this itchy sarcastic finger I need to keep under control, so I understand snarky comments.  I do think anyone who wants to complain about critiques should judge a contest.  It helps.  Keep up the good work, guys.


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## NathanBrazil (May 2, 2015)

Congrats to Joshybo, TKent and bazz cargo.   

First and foremost, thanks to all the judges.   I'm guessing 20 entries is the norm now.  Still that's a lot of entries to churn through.

Folcro - Although it is fun to write a disconnected series of strange events, more along the lines of dream sequence, it doesn't create a good through line for the story.  I hinted that the MC was thinking with his other head, when he popped the pill, but I agree it does strain believability.   Excellent points.

Pidgeon84 - It's difficult to spend time on the transitions when I have key elements I want to include, but I see your point.  I also worried about the authenticity of the drug experience.

Kellinkston - Glad you enjoyed it.  It looks like the consensus is that fleshing out the flinging tampon bit would make the story more cohesive.

Killroy214 - The info dumpiness remark surprised me.  I'll have to think on that.   I imagined the MC screams might draw that kind of reaction, but I can see that it didn't work for you.


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## TKent (May 2, 2015)

Thanks judges & hosts!!  You guys do such a great job and your efforts are appreciated.  

GREAT stories all around, and Joshybo that was superb 

I have not mastered the 650 word story yet but next go round I'm going to try to keep it to one scene and two characters!

Folcro, I hate that it felt that I'd written myself into a corner because that means I didn't do something exactly right since the ending was the point of the story: Success at love can't be boiled down to statistical analysis. The gut/heart are just as important as what's on paper 



> Again, I think you wrote yourself into a corner at the end there, but the contest does not yield an easy format to master.


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## J.J. Maxx (May 2, 2015)

Congrats joshybo, your story was excellent, as usual. 

Thank you so much to all the judges who put so much time and energy into reading and critiquing twenty stories. You are the heroes we deserve!

As usual my stubborn dialogue-heavy style foiled me again! Gah. However, the judges critiques were not misplaced. Looking back, it was too predictable and didn't really come off the emotional way that I intended. Ah well, onward and upward!

Cheers!

~ J. J. Maxx


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## Sleepwriter (May 2, 2015)

Congrats Joshybo!!

Thank you to all the judges for taking the time to judge this competition and providing feedback as hard as it is to hear sometimes.

On a personal note,  I still have lots of work to do, but at least my SPAG issues have improved or would it be they are diminishing?  Now to just get the rest of it to improve.


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## kilroy214 (May 2, 2015)

Conratulations everyone. I apologize for the formatting issue in my critiques, it would appear when I copied/pasted into the pm some of my words got smooshed.


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## Bevo (May 2, 2015)

Fantastic stories, the topics and styles were great to see and all were a great read!

Very inspiring, I want in on the next one and will enter my first competition, actually this will be the first time the public will read my writing.. Gulp..


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## TKent (May 2, 2015)

LOL Pidgeon, I love this comment: 




> I found this so emotionally gripping and connected to it on a lot of different levels (it doesn't help that Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is playing in the other room. I think I'm tearing up!).


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## J Anfinson (May 2, 2015)

kilroy214 said:


> Conratulations everyone. I apologize for the formatting issue in my critiques, it would appear when I copied/pasted into the pm some of my words got smooshed.



I do hope it wasn't my error.


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## rcallaci (May 2, 2015)

I thank the judges for their time and effort- good crits -I learn from each and everyone of them- congrats to the great josh- you have a velvet pen...


my warmest
bob


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## ShadowEyes (May 2, 2015)

I'm surprised you guys touched my story. I kind of left it in the sun too long. Ick!

I'm also glad that everyone got some pretty good critiques. Thanks to the judges and congrats to everyone else.


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## kilroy214 (May 2, 2015)

J Anfinson said:


> I do hope it wasn't my error.



I'm pretty sure it was my fault (or rather my public library's inferior technology's fault!)


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## joshybo (May 2, 2015)

Thanks very much to the judges for dedicating their time to this.  It's a lot of work, and I appreciate the effort very much.  Another round of thanks to everyone who entered this one!  It was an excellent field.  I honestly didn't think I'd win this one after reading some of the other entries.

Folcro - I actively avoided dialogue tags in this one, partially as the result of one of your previous crits of my work.  I really do think keeping them out strengthens the prose overall, and I'm not sure how that one slipped through.  Old habits die hard, as they say.  Thanks for not letting me by with them.

Pidgeon84 - Thanks very much for your kind words about this one.  I'm glad that the emotion in this piece came across genuinely to you and that the ending worked for you as I intended.

KellInkston - The blinking thing was what made me want to write this piece in the first place, so I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Thanks for your kind words!

Kilroy214 - You are spot on about the ending being intentionally ambiguous.  There really isn't a _right_ answer in this case, at least to me, so it's impossible to say who was right or wrong when all is said and done.  You make a valid point about the drama perhaps being a bit thick.  I tried to reign it in so it didn't come across as too overpowering, so I'll bare your advice in mind for future stories.  Thank you for your feedback!

And thanks to everyone else for their kind words and support regarding my entry.  I appreciate all of your comments very much!


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## inkwellness (May 2, 2015)

The stories were amazing. I'm astounded. There are some truly talented writers here. And great job Joshybo.


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## Pidgeon84 (May 2, 2015)

Hey guys! I just want to say it was a great effort on everyone's part. Even if you got a less then desirable score, keep getting after it. This is not an easy competition. I know first hand. But I swear this is the best way to keep getting better. To the winners, so well deserved, great job guys. As my first time judging I was as nervous as you guys were to be well received. I hope I did alright!


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## TKent (May 2, 2015)

You and all the judges did a great job as usual!!  Thanks to all 



Pidgeon84 said:


> Hey guys! I just want to say it was a great effort on everyone's part. Even if you got a less then desirable score, keep getting after it. This is not an easy competition. I know first hand. But I swear this is the best way to keep getting better. To the winners, so well deserved, great job guys. As my first time judging I was as nervous as you guys were to be well received. I hope I did alright!


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## JustRob (May 3, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners and my thanks to the judges, who clearly committed far more effort to this challenge than I did. 

Folcro: I never named the historian in my piece because it was autobiographical, hastily written at the eleventh hour late on Sunday morning not long before the challenge closed. My historical research is real and I am being encouraged to submit it to Bygone Kent, the county's historical magazine. The bad decision was throwing the piece together without giving it the attention that the challenge deserved, but time and other commitments were against me. As to the ending, who can tell? I'm just Rob but Thomas, he really was somebody worth knowing about.


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## bazz cargo (May 3, 2015)

*My dear and delightful Folcro, you made me laugh. * 



> No Oxford Comma??? For shame.


 My punctuation is erratic to say the least, Oxford comma rules seem to change every time I look at them.



> *there her husband lay spooning with Jesus: *You could have picked Jose, Juan, Julio or a million other names... but no. You did not.


 Samuel Jackson corrected Bruce, 'not Jesus, hey Zeus.' Great dialogue in that movie.



> I think a better title would have been _Gay of Thrones_. Speaking of which, I would also have liked more sex .


 Give me a chance, I'm on a different continent.  



> But I do always enjoy interpreting your work for some strange reason... I can't help but feel you're getting better at tickling me.


 Good, I am trying to engage the reader and you are a particularly astute example of the species.

*Pidgeon84 * 

 I have no idea why I wrote Love, Lies and More lies, I'm blaming it on watching Jeremy Kyle, Just the one show. I need counselling now. Is there a market for Gay Writing?  



> *What the? “Who the hell?”(?) Stomach knotted. *


Would an ellipsis before the question mark work? “Who the hell...?”



> *there her husband lay spooning with Jesus.*
> 
> This just doesn't sound right. I might try "her husband was lying in bed, spooning with Jesus."


 Good, I need to work on precision.



> *Julie turned back to the master (Laugh) bedroom where Oliver was nearly dressed.**
> 
> Ditch the (Laugh). It's trying a bit too hard and throws off the flow. Not really grammar, it just threw me off. Other than that stuff this very well done and very funny. I really enjoyed it.


 Noted. Thank you for a sharp critique, and thank you for enjoying the show.

*KellInkston*

Thank you for enjoying the ride. In my own style I'm trying to get the reader to read on because they can't wait to read what outrageous thing will come next.  

*Kilroy214*

  Mighty kind words there Pard.

  Good SpaG question, are nick names like hon, short for honey, capitalized like real names?  

_In General_

  Congratulations Joshybo and Tkent, and the rest of the competitors. This was a tough one and I'm still in shock at getting on the podium. 

  Thanks Judges, yes you deserve to be capitalised. Thanks to Jake for wielding the whip.  

  Always more to learn, roll on the next battle.


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## KellInkston (May 4, 2015)

joshybo said:


> Thanks very much to the judges for dedicating their time to this. It's a lot of work, and I appreciate the effort very much. Another round of thanks to everyone who entered this one! It was an excellent field. I honestly didn't think I'd win this one after reading some of the other entries.
> 
> Folcro - I actively avoided dialogue tags in this one, partially as the result of one of your previous crits of my work. I really do think keeping them out strengthens the prose overall, and I'm not sure how that one slipped through. Old habits die hard, as they say. Thanks for not letting me by with them.
> 
> ...



You deserved the win. It was a fantastic idea. Well done!


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## godofwine (May 7, 2015)

@*Folcro *- I thought about starting in the car. don't know why I scrapped it. I also thought about killing her, orobably should have. I will next time. I tried to spare her for some odd reason. 

@*Pidgeon84* - I am often confused about how much of the backstory is necessary. I mean, as a reader, I want to know how and why a person is the way they are, difficult in a 650 word story, but I try to make it work. I mentioned the skirt as a visual picture and explain why she was cold. The harvest moon to give a period of time (mid-late September). Next time I will cut out the backstory and see if that lends more to the story. 

@*KellInkston* - Yeah, I probably should have left out the skirt and why she was wearing it. It lended credence to why she was out, the reason for the boy, but probably unnecessary for a 650 limit. Hard to figure how much to add to the 5 senses of the story. 

@*Kilroy214* - Thanks for the props. I've worked a lot with these contests to improve my SpAG, and I'm glad it is paying off. Yeah, I shoulda killed her. Teh 10 minutes I felt necessary to give a measure of time other than "she walked". The golden orbs I felt lended a spooky kind of measure to the story. You know there is a predator behind them, but will the loss of light, the eyes are all that is visible until the cloud escapes the clouds to show the wolf in full. Studying animals as I have, I have been out in the dark and seen just the eyes of my cat, which is where I pulled the instance from. Maybe more descpriptive text would have helped it. 

Great job judges, and congrats to all of the winners.


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