# I Had Enough



## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 8, 2016)

He who claimed I was his lover,
Loved me rather violently.
He who claimed I was his one and only,
Would verbally stone me.
My mind bled suicide,
I wanted to escape.
I didn't give him my love,
Instead, he'd take.

A thousand scars per annum for eight,
Death longed to meet me.
But I didn't long to see him,
He became my worst enemy.
He who claimed I was his lover,
Came stumbling in once more.
Distributing ignorance,
My old clothes he tore.

The norm was to bawl,
To let go of my strength and fall.
It was then I broke tradition,
I teleported to my room and back again.
My instincts knew this was to be my day,
For he possessed a sharp dagger,
Which he hoped to season into my veins.
My hand emerged from behind my back,
My wounds still oozing.

I placed the magnum to his chest,
Directly before his heart.
I closed my eyes, and as soon as I felt his drunk body move; 
in a new attempt to hurt me,
I sent the copper through him, forgive my infidelity.
In no way guilty,
I dropped my weapon and fell behind it.

Relieved and free from my years of torture,
I sat and began my mentality shift.
What I did was in no way rough, 
I made him legit heartless.
I finally had enough,
Of my husband pest.

-Shaunette Alleyne


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## afk4life (Jun 8, 2016)

Okay first off I'm direct and please don't take offence, I assume anything posted is meant for critique, like real critique. Just cos it's a poem doesn't mean it has to rhyme. And you're veering into prose poetry is going to get some negative reaction from people. The rhymes are not helping you because it's not exactly a rhyming sort of topic but if you make it work it's even more disturbing.



> I placed the magnum to his chest,
> Directly before his heart.
> I closed my eyes, and as soon as I felt his drunk body move;
> in a new attempt to hurt me,
> ...



I place the magnum to his chest
And he yells at me he knows what's best
And with alcohol-red eyes he yells at me go ahead f----ing shoot me
I can't let him pollute me
And he's daring me to pull the trigger
Like I can't think of something bigger
So I do

And just like that all my problems go away
Well except for the boy in my belly who's gonna ask what happened to his dad someday

What went wrong.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 8, 2016)

I do not curse. Thanks.

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Also.. I'm 16 give me a break.

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## afk4life (Jun 8, 2016)

Okay, I'm sorry if I offended you. I have some questions then -- why are you writing about a guy who beats his wife/gf and she shoots him, but you're afraid of cursing? I think your writing is good but you're basically an adult. Every teenager I've known uses their age as an excuse and you shouldn't imho do that because you're diminishing yourself and your writing is good and I treat teenagers as adults. Did I mention it's good writing? All I'm saying is push yourself more. Based on the above writing alone I think you could put together some really great stuff, just you gotta be less sensitive to critique if you really want to do this and get better. I am assuming you want to do this not just have people tell you it's perfect?


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## Darkkin (Jun 8, 2016)

While I don't concur with the use of cursing, 4life make a very valid point about rhyme schemes.  They need to be consistent, otherwise they can lend a sing-song awkwardness to a piece.  With this piece, you would do well to remove the scheme entirely.  Consider it as a starting point.

Also, S1,L2 the word violently does not need to be capitalized.  It is not a proper noun.  4life's points about prose are also highly relevant, as poetry, is not about stating everything.  Look for balance between, narrative, imagery, and emotion.  A stanza of poetry should not read like layered paragraph of prose.

Consider what you think about when you read a poem.  What makes that poem different form something like this sentence?  Read aloud as you write.  This will help limit filler within your stanzas.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 8, 2016)

I understand.. it' just kind of rough for me to be so strong so quickly but I try. I was bullied a lot and things hit my mind too fast and i don't always process them. But I'll try. 

Makes sense. Yeah I do want the feedback. Thanks for it. And thanks for reading.. 
On another note, I'm not "afraid to curse". I'm a Christian and I take my beliefs seriously. I know I can and I will be a great writer with no profanity included in my work and nothing that defiles me as a Christian. Also, I hope you don't judge me based on my beliefs.

S.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 8, 2016)

Darkkin said:


> While I don't concur with the use of cursing, 4life make a very valid point about rhyme schemes.  They need to be consistent, otherwise they can lend a sing-song awkwardness to a piece.  With this piece, you would do well to remove the scheme entirely.  Consider it as a starting point.
> 
> Also, S1,L2 the word violently does not need to be capitalized.  It is not a proper noun.


That was.. a typo.
More than likely.
Just saying.

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## Darkkin (Jun 8, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> That was.. a typo.
> More than likely.
> Just saying.



Typo or not, basics matter in writing.  Typos happen, so proofreading needs to, as well.  And it might seem like a small thing, but that simple edit ironed the line.  You don't have the reading wondering why is this capitalized, in essence, distracting from the flow of the poem.

The visual aspects of poetry are equal to its verbal elements.  Due to the linear construction, typos and grammar issues become more pronounced.  There is no hiding the tree in the forest, so to speak.


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## afk4life (Jun 8, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> I understand.. it' just kind of rough for me to be so strong so quickly but I try. I was bullied a lot and things hit my mind too fast and i don't always process them. But I'll try.
> 
> Makes sense. Yeah I do want the feedback. Thanks for it. And thanks for reading..
> On another note, I'm not "afraid to curse". I'm a Christian and I take my beliefs seriously. I know I can and I will be a great writer with no profanity included in my work and nothing that defiles me as a Christian. Also, I hope you don't judge me based on my beliefs.
> ...



Okay then you're missing a big opportunity imho. You can't expect to be perfect out of the gate, it just doesn't happen. So your character's also I assume Christian and the commandment about thou shall not kill maybe is in her head. I don't judge anyone based on beliefs I judge them based on the writing. And that's all just a distraction. The writing is good but it could be better, don't assume we're attacking your beliefs cos that's not what any of this is about. You're in a safe space and no one's gonna bully you, I'm sorry if I came on to the piece too strong. You can PM me anytime. Just breathe and take what we're saying in. I will always tell you what I think and be honest, that's a guarantee.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 8, 2016)

afk4life said:


> Okay then you're missing a big opportunity imho. You can't expect to be perfect out of the gate, it just doesn't happen. So your character's also I assume Christian and the commandment about thou shall not kill maybe is in her head. I don't judge anyone based on beliefs I judge them based on the writing. And that's all just a distraction. The writing is good but it could be better, don't assume we're attacking your beliefs cos that's not what any of this is about. You're in a safe space and no one's gonna bully you, I'm sorry if I came on to the piece too strong. You can PM me anytime. Just breathe and take what we're saying in. I will always tell you what I think and be honest, that's a guarantee.


Lol. 
I would not compare real life to a piece.
My character is not me.
She's her own person.
 
Lol. It's totally fine.
I could not write violent stuff too if you think its ironic that I do.
Thanks some more

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Darkkin said:


> Typo or not, basics matter in writing.  Typos happen, so proofreading needs to, as well.  And it might seem like a small thing, but that simple edit ironed the line.  You don't have the reading wondering why is this capitalized, in essence, distracting from the flow of the poem.
> 
> The visual aspects of poetry are equal to its verbal elements.  Due to the linear construction, typos and grammar issues become more pronounced.  There is no hiding the tree in the forest, so to speak.


Get what you're saying.
For a busy teen who sings, dances and plays instruments along with her passion for writing I don't think there's need for such pin pointing.
It was a typo. I get you. But Just like I don't get time to learn all the songs for Sundays because I'm busy writing, I do not get time to proofread because  I'm busy rehearsing routines or vocals.

I can get a person though.
But it's trusting people with your work. I personally don't like pushy people who change it all and take away my entire image from what I made.
It's like me making a camera and someone taking the lens of and replacing it with a donut.
They see the sprinkles- its great to them. But to me  It's lost because the lens that represented my exact vision was removed. 

If that makes any sense to you..


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## Deleted member 56686 (Jun 9, 2016)

Okay, I'm not going to pretend to be a poet and I don't want to turn this about a discussion about cursing so please don't let my post derail this thread but I have to say this.

I don't think cursing is going to enhance or detract from a poem or any piece of work.You can show anger without having to curse. You can write quality material based on your own values and it can be just as good as something written by the hand of Satan. If someone wants we can start a thread about cursing in the writing discussion since I tend to use it sparingly myself. I guess what I'm really saying is a poem should be able to stand on it's own without the use of naughty words. Everybody has a different style after all.

Like I said, I'm not a poet so I can't criticize on the basics. All I can say is I was rather moved by the emotion. Is this written from an experience you had, maybe it's based on someone you know?


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## Reichelina (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> He who claimed I was his lover,
> Loved me rather violently.
> He who claimed I was his one and only,
> Would verbally stone me.
> ...



Hello Shaun! 
Thank you for sharing your work with us. 
I don't want to overwhelm you. 

I just want to share my thoughts as reader. I appreciate it when people read my work and tell me how they liked it or how they didn't. 
I learn that way, you know. 


Like I told you, I like the poem. I  can feel the emotions here and I think that is its strength. 
I have a few suggestions though. 

Note: I am commenting on the WORK and not YOU. 
Hugs!


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## bdcharles (Jun 9, 2016)

I like the opening lines. They are definitely strong and the repeated "He who claimed I was his lover" is memorable enough, for me, to earn its place in refrains or motifs.

With this:
He who claimed I was his lover,
Loved me rather violently.
He who claimed I was his one and only,
Would ver_[I wanted another syllable here!  ]_bally stone me.

Found it a smidge hard to relate to this:
"I teleported to my room and back again."

Loved this line - I thought it was just brilliant (though are bullets copper? I thought they were lead):
"I sent the copper through him, forgive my infidelity."

I did find some of it a bit "wordy"; eg:
"I closed my eyes, and as soon as I felt his drunk body move; 
in a new attempt to hurt me"

"and as soon as" just doesn't sound that poetic, to me. 

But not too bad, generally (as a reader)

EDIT: I did also find myself wanting the title to be "He who claimed I was his lover."


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## Firemajic (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> Also.. I'm 16 give me a break.
> 
> Sent from my GT-I9060C using Tapatalk





The Basic rules for poetry are the same for a 16 year old poet, or an 80 year old poet... BUT, the level of maturity is and will always be different, constantly changing as we experience life. So, having said that, what the mentoring poets are doing is giving you basic tools to help you build a solid foundation from which to start. Feedback is vital for growth and improvement. Read each critique, and see how you can use it to enhance your message. You have so much potential, and the mentoring poets can see that. 
There is much I love about your poem, and I am excited to watch you grow and perfect your craft. How do we grow? Through knowledge. Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread...


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

Thanks.. Firemajic

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bdcharles said:


> I like the opening lines. They are definitely strong and the repeated "He who claimed I was his lover" is memorable enough, for me, to earn its place in refrains or motifs.
> 
> With this:
> He who claimed I was his lover,
> ...


Well thanks
They're different types of bullets btw. (My gran's a police) yeah.

The reason I didn't give it that title was because here how I was taught is to not base everything on the exact word of the title all the time.
I have a poem "She" where I stress on 'her'. 

But for this one I assumed I should't give it the title of words repeated in the poem itself. Where I'm from its  cliche to do that. 

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Reichelina said:


> Hello Shaun!
> Thank you for sharing your work with us.
> I don't want to overwhelm you.
> 
> ...


Understood.
I honestly thought that if it rhymed it would be better.
Someone said not all poems have to rhyme. Well I can try to write one that doesn't but it won't be easy. I'm now developing. 

Thanks for your points.

The part about ignorance.
If I gave the poem to a local teacher they take the word 'ignorance' for stupidity' just how we take the word 'malicious' for - being nosy and not [wickedness].

Different cultures tend to use words differently. But that I mean Caribbean people will never write the same as an American or anyone else in the world, unless of course taught that way.

I have an idea.
Write for the satisfaction of my people and their culture.

And be humble enough to succumb to cultures around the world by writing in their slangs.

But at the moment all I know is bajan (Barbadian english) because i'm from Barbados, never travelled and wherr you are from will be a part of everything you do.

But on another note.
I'm thankful for the feedback.

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I'll post another.. just look out for them..

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## bdcharles (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> But for this one I assumed I should't give it the title of words repeated in the poem itself. Where I'm from its  cliche to do that. 



Hmm. It could be, I suppose, but like any device, it can be ignored, overused, or deployed to great effect. Emily Dickinson does it in "Because I Could Not Stop For Death". If the words are good, centre-stage them! Just something to think about.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

mrmustard615 said:


> Okay, I'm not going to pretend to be a poet and I don't want to turn this about a discussion about cursing so please don't let my post derail this thread but I have to say this.
> 
> I don't think cursing is going to enhance or detract from a poem or any piece of work.You can show anger without having to curse. You can write quality material based on your own values and it can be just as good as something written by the hand of Satan. If someone wants we can start a thread about cursing in the writing discussion since I tend to use it sparingly myself. I guess what I'm really saying is a poem should be able to stand on it's own without the use of naughty words. Everybody has a different style after all.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not a poet so I can't criticize on the basics. All I can say is I was rather moved by the emotion. Is this written from an experience you had, maybe it's based on someone you know?


I'm forever grateful for you sticking up like this.
Thank you.
A person can write based on their beiefs anf should not have to add things to it that they don't agree with or believe and it should be fine.

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bdcharles said:


> Hmm. It could be, I suppose, but like any device, it can be ignored, overused, or deployed to great effect. Emily Dickinson does it in "Because I Could Not Stop For Death". If the words are good, centre-stage them! Just something to think about.


Yeah I get you.
I read that at school for my exams in literature. 

Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me...

But she did actually only use it once.
 Where as I used He who claimed.. a few times.
I get you though. [emoji185] 










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## Darkkin (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> He (who) claimed I was his (lover),  Remove the who, as it doesn't add to the context of the line.  The pronoun he is strong enough to imply your meaning.
> (Loved )me rather violently.  Also, consider the proximity of lover and loved, one a noun, the other a verb, but within such close proximity it makes the writing a touch repetitive.  An alternative e.g.  His affections rather violent.  As to the use of adverb rather in conjunction with the adjective violently.  The stacked conjugations cloud the flow of the line.
> He (who) claimed I was his one and only,  Again, this line omit the who, it doesn't add to the function of the line.
> would verbally stone me.  Love the image of this line, verbal stoning, but you need to look at adding a noun or adjusting the conjugation so the line makes sense.  e.g. He would verbally stone me.  Or carry over subject he from the prior line: verbally stoning me, or simply replace the capitalization of would with a lower case w, so you don't disrupt the flow of the clause.
> ...


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

Removing 'who' and 'rather'.

  He claimed I was his lover,
(His affections rather violent .. -)
???
  He claimed I was his lover, 
(Verbally stoned me.. -)
???

the removal of who changed the meaning of the sentence.

There are however one or two of your concerns I respect and will look into, thanks.





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## PrinzeCharming (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> Removing 'who' and 'rather'.
> 
> He claimed I was his lover,
> (His affections rather violent .. -)
> ...



"He claimed I was his," is what we recommend here. Treat every word like an essential ingredient to bake a cake.  

He - a male
Claimed - possession
I - personal 
Was - to be something before
His - possession of subject.  

The 'who' doesn't add anything.  'He' is enough. 'Lover' is implied by the claim he made on you.


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

PrinzeCharming said:


> "He claimed I was his," is what we recommend here. Treat every word like an essential ingredient to bake a cake.
> 
> He - a male
> Claimed - possession
> ...


That was in relation to what darkkin said.

Now if i go to wattpad to change it up.
I'll end up changing most of the lines and thennnnn
I haven't written it anymore.
I would then be re- written..
[emoji25] [emoji25] [emoji25] 

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## escorial (Jun 9, 2016)

i do like proetry....dark and despairing at times....you expressed it all so well...cool


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

escorial said:


> i do like proetry....dark and despairing at times....you expressed it all so well...cool


Thanks.
I'm glad you liked it as it stood. 
#appreciated

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## CJL4307 (Jun 9, 2016)

I know there has been a lot of feedback here but I just wanted to throw in my two cents. Don't believe Iv'e seen you around here either so first and foremost, welcome! You have a talent and potential to do some great things with your work. Like anything, and even with raw talent, great writing requires a lot of time energy and honing, to perfectly sharpen that blade of a tongue you have. I really have a hard time with critique and largely because I feel that my work is 'good.' But let me just say that in my short time of joining this forum and actually taking time to at least consider where the mentors and other members are coming from. I have had tremendous opportunity to expand and polish, using critique. And from this I feel that it has done nothing but improve upon my abilities and thought processes when constructing that perfect new piece. Once again, welcome. I definitely look forward to seeing more of your work here on the thread! Thanks for the read!


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

Well, honestly that's just me. I said what I did but I still adhered to all criticisms and I did edit it. 
I'm just saying.
By the way don't mind my "attitude".
Once y'all get to know me y'all will see it's just how i react to basically everything. 
I'm cool and wasn't omg offended lol.
I was just feeling like ugh Its not good. 

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## Reichelina (Jun 9, 2016)

Shauns.the.poet said:


> Removing 'who' and 'rather'.
> 
> He claimed I was his lover,
> (His affections rather violent .. -)
> ...



Hello! 
It's your poem so, it's your call.
We just think removing WHO gave a strong effect.
Subject and Verb.

SUGGESTION: 
If you're concerned with the next line...
How about.... "_Stoned me with words.."? 
_
I'll be looking forward to see more from you, dear!


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## Shauns.the.poet (Jun 9, 2016)

I changed it up actually
And added 'but' so I could keep the words i used for purpose. Should i it here?

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