# The only prayer I got still in me



## andrewclunn (Jul 12, 2017)

I've thought about saying this a couple of ways.
See, it's been quite a long time since the last time I prayed.
I didn't take off or slack off because I let life interfere.
I lost the faith, and wouldn't fake believe'n.
And suddenly my whole world was upended.


Disillusionment was tough.  Moral clarity faded to haze.
But we both know there's no way that I could have stayed.
That wouldn't have been right, forthright, or sincere.
I'm fine now.  I've found a place I'm okay in.
Which is better than if I'd pretended.


However, I've had some hardships these past few days.
They've got me thinking 'bout the choices I've made.
My goal aint to complain, just explain what I mean to do here.
In case I'm wrong, and you can hear what I'm say'n,
there's something needs to be attended.


So though it's been some time since we parted ways.
There's a debt I have that I've felt oughta be paid.
I owe you both a why and good bye, something final and clear.
Although, that's likely not what you'd be want'n...
How 'bout we leave things open ended?

_
Hammered this one out over the past hour and a half.  Felt inspired._


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## Rick Keeble (Jul 12, 2017)

I found this rather ambiguous, which I enjoyed. The title makes me lean to one way, but then the last stanza doesn't! A thought provoking write! Nicely done.


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

andrewclunn said:


> I've thought about saying this a couple of ways.
> See, it's been quite a long time since the last time I prayed.
> I didn't take off or slack off because I let life interfere.
> I lost the faith, and wouldn't fake believe'n. I would go with "believing"
> ...




Loss of faith... it is real... been there, you expressed this so well.. except for the "ain't" "want'n" ect... those brings the message down [jmo] almost makes your message sound disrespectful or playful...I mean, you are after all speaking to God...
well, because of the "ain't" and ect... your mood was not what you intended, was it?
I lovedIT... for many, many personal reasons, this poem touched me and made me remember...


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## sas (Jul 12, 2017)

Gosh, hope you don't hate me, but since you said you "hammered" this one out, I wonder if you were hammered. My take is that it is a "tell" and way too wordy. Writers love words and that is their undoing. This would be far better if you honed it. 

For instance:

See, it's been quite a long time since (the) last (time) I prayed.
I didn't take off or slack off (because) I let life interfere.

I'd consider em dash for unneeded words:

I didn't take off or slack off—I let life interfere.


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

sas said:


> Gosh, hope you don't hate me, but since you said you "hammered" this one out, I wonder if you were hammered. My take is that it is a "tell" and way too wordy. Writers love words and that is their undoing. This would be far better if you honed it.
> 
> For instance:
> 
> ...





"I didn't take off or slack because I let life interfere"... I thought the writer meant.... I was not slacking, I did not take off, and life did not interfere... meaning those were NOT the reasons for not praying....


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## sas (Jul 12, 2017)

Fire,   

I think you are right. Gosh, hate that.  Smiles.


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## sas (Jul 12, 2017)

Fire,  

Well, maybe he'll find a way to use my little em dash "thingy-dingy" elsewhere. It is a useful tool to eliminate prose style writing from poetry. There...I've justified myself. LOL.


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## andrewclunn (Jul 12, 2017)

The "low brow" voice was intentional.  It's perhaps limiting in its appeal, but it's what felt worked best with how the piece came together.


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## Firemajic (Jul 12, 2017)

yeah.....


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## andrewclunn (Jul 16, 2017)

*The only prayer I've still got in me*

_Since I received similar feedback from a good poet friend regarding the tone and voice of this piece, I decided to see what it would look like in a more formal phrasing (including a slightly different title):_


I've thought about saying this a couple of ways.
You know it's been quite a long time since the last time I prayed.
I didn't take off or slack off because I let life interfere.
I lost the faith, and wouldn't fake believing.
And suddenly my whole world was upended.

Disillusionment was tough. Moral clarity faded to haze.
But we both know there's no way that I could have stayed.
That wouldn't have been right, forthright, or sincere.
I'm fine now. I've found a place I'm okay in,
which is better than if I had pretended.

However, I've had some hardships these past few days.
They've got me thinking about the choices I've made.
My goal isn't to complain, just explain what I mean to do here.
In case I'm wrong, and you can hear what I'm saying,
there's something that needs to be attended.

So though it's been some time since we parted ways.
There's a debt I have that I've felt should be paid.
I owe you both a why and good bye, something final and clear.
Although, that's likely not what you would be wanting...
How about we leave things open ended?


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## sas (Jul 16, 2017)

I do like this revision.  I thought maybe a couple of very small changes still needed. For instance, what are your thoughts on this? :

*(But)* We both know there's no way *(that)* I could have stayed.
That wouldn't have been right*(,)* or forthright,* sincere*.
I'm fine now. I've found a place I'm okay. * (in,)
**(which is better than if I had pretended.)
*It's better here than in pretend. 

We both know there's no way I could have stayed.
That wouldn't have been right or forthright, sincere.
I'm fine now. I've found a place I'm okay.
It's better here than in pretend. 

Hope helpful & can find something useful.  sas


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## andrewclunn (Jul 16, 2017)

The "okay in" and "pretended" are important for the rhyming scheme.  I'll have to read the others allowed a few times to see how they impact the cadence and phrasing.  I kept the syllable count fairly tight to allow for similar tempo across stanzas.


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## sas (Jul 16, 2017)

andrewclunn said:


> The "okay in" and "pretended" are important for the rhyming scheme.  I'll have to read the others allowed a few times to see how they impact the cadence and phrasing.  I kept the syllable count fairly tight to allow for similar tempo across stanzas.



I can see that.  Keep it your way. Big smiles.  sas


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