# Thoughts Upon A Corridor



## Crash_Tomas (Apr 12, 2012)

“Once in a while this gets tiresome.” –Where are you running to? (She catches her breath) 
“That’s not what I meant.” …Purposely.

“Existence allows you to ponder.” –Philosophy is your strong suit. (He leans back in his chair) 
“Everything seems so meaningless.” …Naturally.

“If there ever was a reason to be.” –Am I not reason enough? (The end of us is nigh) 
“To be loved by you.” …Infinitesimally.


----------



## toddm (Apr 13, 2012)

interesting read - the images in the first two stanzas are telling, whereas in the third stanza the words in the parathesis (The end of us is nigh) is not an image like the others

the words and idea come across well, but the structure is a bit distracting: a quotation then a statement preceded by a -, then a parenthetical statement, another quotation, then an ...eliptical

all this is unique but may be a bit much, I don't know - the concept is nice though

---todd


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Apr 21, 2012)

hmm. Thanks for the review. Any suggestions on having it not be a bit much? but still maintain its uniqueness?

Thanks,

Crash~


----------



## toddm (Apr 22, 2012)

The piece is nice as it is - if you are satisfied with it, leave it the way it is - : )

My comments on the first stanza illustrate some of what I was trying to say:



Crash_Tomas said:


> “Once in a while this gets tiresome.” –Where are you running to? Is the preceding question a quote from the same person as the first sentence, or a different person? why is it not in quotes if it is spoken? Is the speaker the same person as "she" in the next sentence? (She catches her breath)
> “That’s not what I meant.” Is the preceding by someone else, or the same person as the first sentence, or sentence two?…Purposely. these ellipses are ok, as long as it is straightened out who it is who is doing the talking and who they are talking to... currently it is a confusing read



---todd


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Apr 22, 2012)

I see. Thanks. I'll work on making the poems clear on who is speaking in the future. I'm sure there are ways to do so without losing much of the originality.


----------



## CarsickPhil (Apr 23, 2012)

Dear Tomas
I am only a beginner, but I wonder if it might be possible clarify who is speaking without changing anything except how the text is placed on the page: one voice left justified and the other right would be the simplest way, but many other more artistic layouts could be considered. There is plenty of room on white page with this sort of form to create and enhance all sorts of effects. 
Best wishes
Phil


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Apr 24, 2012)

That's a good idea, Phil. Thanks!


----------



## booknyrd (Apr 26, 2012)

This is nice. I like the way it flows, it's melodic...I also enjoy the word infinitesimally. :icon_bounce:


----------



## Crash_Tomas (May 2, 2012)

booknyrd said:


> This is nice. I like the way it flows, it's melodic...I also enjoy the word infinitesimally. :icon_bounce:




Thanks! I kind of like the word too. =)


----------



## playingthepianodrunk (May 8, 2012)

I like the technique of jumping in on this little exchange between these two lovers I suppose but I agree with todd, I don't get where you were going with Purposely and ...naturally.


----------



## tinacrabapple (May 20, 2012)

This is one of the better poems I have read in this style.  I kind of liked the ambivalence at the end.  It's clear enough that it tells a story, but leaves a sense of confusion that I think works.  Aren't the lovers confused?


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Jun 4, 2012)

tinacrabapple said:


> This is one of the better poems I have read in this style.  I kind of liked the ambivalence at the end.  It's clear enough that it tells a story, but leaves a sense of confusion that I think works.  Aren't the lovers confused?



I figure, the reader can decide, like most poetry it's about interpretation.


----------



## writersblock (Jun 7, 2012)

I like how you put that together


----------



## CrazyInk (Jun 12, 2012)

I love how the way you wrote it. It's unusual but pretty neat.


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Jun 28, 2012)

CrazyInk said:


> I love how the way you wrote it. It's unusual but pretty neat.



Thanks for the input!


----------



## GonneLights (Jun 28, 2012)

I _really _like the form. Very, I dunno... It's very Imagist, so obviously it turns me on, and it's very tight. It has a form of

"Statement" -Comment (Image)
"Response" ...Descriptive.

More or less. Right? You might have had a different idea as to what the things should be but that's what I'm picking up on. And, I'm really digging that. It's like the Sonnet, you know. Argument, development, shift. I am assuming that "Speaker" is separate from -Speaker. I really like the places you could go with this, I've found poetic dialogue very hard to capture. I really like this as a form.

Do you mind if I use it? Hahaha. I'm being serious. I'd like to try this out, I think this has serious potential as a form. This is cubism! This has potential to serve a lot of very nice scenes, especially if you get a little more technical as to how the separations have to have bearings on each other. If you could tell me a little more about your thinking behind it? I'd really like that.

Aside from the form... 

_“Once in a while this gets tiresome.” –Where are you running to? (She catches her breath) 

_I really like; '_tiresome', __'running', 'catches her breath' _continuity. That's a really nice thing, it gives a meaning, it sets up the metaphor. 

_“That’s not what I meant.” …Purposely.

_You loose me, man. And then you loose me for the rest of it. I feel like it's some kind of argument between two lovers, I don't really know. I don't see anything in it. So, I think perhaps you were more confined by the need to be poetic in this form? Since it's your first time - I'm assuming - using it. Which is natural, of course... Uh... But no, I don't get it, and I don't think that's my fault. But, I like the characters, at least. It's so GLIB, man. There are lots and lots and lots of undercurrents between them and I wish I could analyse that because that's a great joy of mine, ahaha, what is not directly stated, the histories and the characterisation and everything that's just suggested. You seem to have talent in that direction, but it's not realised fully in this poem because *I don't understand it. *This would benefit a lot from clarity. 

But no, I like it, I do like it, I just don't get it. I don't get a lot of what Pound wrote, I love Pound, I don't get a lot of what Virgil wrote, I like Virgil, I don't get any of what Shakespeare wrote, you're not allowed to dislike Shakespeare, and I don't get your poem but I like your poem. I also don't understand... God. He's fairly, you know, uh... Anyway, it might simply be me, it might be you, it might be the subject matter itself, I dunno. But you're doing very interesting things.


----------



## Crash_Tomas (Aug 10, 2012)

Karking. I apologize for the super late response. I haven't really checked back to this site in a while. and I am absolutely amazed at your response. I am intrigued and curious and it sort of made me Love you for a minute or two. Anyway I would like to talk to you about it, so here's just some of my thinking. I've written a few poems like this before, but this was my first attempt at an actual scene that had undercurrents and characters. The title is supposed to serve as a setting, so the characters are just standing or talking in a corridor, about whatever it is that the poem wants to say or the reader wants it to say. The metaphor within metaphor is hard to pull off and I'e struggled a bit with figuring it out. I'd like to talk to you more about it, but it's 2 am here in MA and I need to sleep. cos I've been awake for near 24 hours. so, if you're still around and you see this, message me, friend me or whatever you want and we can have a conversation about this, or whatever else is on your mind, since this was over a month ago that you posted.

and yes, you can use the style/format. I claim no right to the setting of "Statement" -Comment (Image) "Response" ...Descriptive.

haha. alrighty! G'night and thank you for the review.


----------

