# Façade along the Esplanade



## Squalid Glass (Jun 12, 2011)

This is just an experimental little piece I wrote this afternoon. I don't do this explicit rhyming often, but I hope it works. Any critiques would be most appreciated. Thanks!


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*Façade along the Esplanade*


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## Trides (Jun 12, 2011)

Interesting. I note the rhymes in lines 2, 5, and 8, and repeating of the "ah" sound... tawny, along, far, call, gone, Also, nice rhymes in plod, sod, god, esplanade.

However: according to a quick Google search, sarongs are worn mostly in Asia. And Amun-Ra is Egyptian. So it's a little inconsistent.


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## JosephB (Jun 12, 2011)

Hey, S.G. -- I really like how this reads and the rhyming. It works for me. 

I like the imagery too, except the one bit about about the nose -- especially the dripping part. I'm not sure what you're trying to do with that.

I didn't notice the sarong thing, but I guess that makes sense.

Good work.


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## candid petunia (Jun 13, 2011)

Creates a mysterious picture. Makes the reader want to know more about her.  
Like the lines:


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## SilverMoon (Jun 13, 2011)

Glass, this piece is beauty breathing. You’ve taken a moment in time and stretched it with colour, sultry movement (she) and impression. Now, I think this is the most charming and powerful poem you have written, shared here. It’s forthright which I believe is different from your others where you go acutely abstract. This, here, is just my personal preference. Two portraits, if you will. The beginning drew me in immediately and wondered if you could keep it going. You did, continuing with clarity and exquisiteness.　


Now, I’m nearly quoting the whole of the poem! Stasis gone. A kind of death e.g. “till it fully decays”. It fits the narrator.


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## Trides (Jun 13, 2011)

My criticism, pulverized. Oh well!

But I think there is nothing wrong with stretched noses like dripping dough. Even if you're writing a poem, sometimes you have to stick to the actual image and not the ideal.


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## Squalid Glass (Jun 13, 2011)

Trides - Thank you for the compliments! As SilverMoon said, sarongs are pretty common in the summer time, but I see the confusion. 

Joe - Ah, the nose, haha. I didn't want to present a perfect image. The girl I was thinking of has a long, thin nose. I'm not really sure how else to describe that. Any ideas?

Candid - Thank you!

SM - Thank you for the great review, friend. As I said before, I'm not sure how to change the nose. Ideas?


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## SilverMoon (Jun 14, 2011)

I would start off using "Aquiline" nose. Def. by Wiki



> An *Aquiline nose* is a human nose with a prominent bridge, giving it the appearance of being curved or slightly bent.This type of nose is primarily found among Mediterranean Whites marked by a brown complexion; long, black, lank hair;



Not quite an obviously long nose. A cross between a "very" long nose and a "slightly" pugged one. I've seen very stunning women with an aquiline nose, especially in France. But in America so many women are getting nose jobs, it's difficult to spy such an exoctic and regal nose, known for its mystery.

Just an example of re-work.


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## Squalid Glass (Jun 15, 2011)

Here is my edit. Any better?

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*Façade along the Esplanade*
*(Torch Song)*


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## Gumby (Jun 16, 2011)

Hi Glass, I've read this one several times now and I like your edit better than the original, like the others, I was having trouble with the image of the nose.


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## JosephB (Jun 16, 2011)

Heh. Much better, SG. Nice.


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## Chesters Daughter (Jun 16, 2011)

Add my nod for the edit, SG. The initial nose stanza was a bump for me as well. Have to agree with Laurie regarding the directness, different for you, yet as equally well executed as your usual. I enjoyed this.

Best,
Lisa


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## Squalid Glass (Jun 16, 2011)

Ah, glad to know it's fixed! Thanks all for the kind words.


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