# October 2017 - LM - Picture Prompt - Scores



## kilroy214 (Nov 4, 2017)

ppsage's scoresCandervale's scorestotesGodofwine161917.5Guy Fawkes141816SueC151515Ned131715NathanBrazil141615MPhillip151414.5Moostafus111412.5ppsageJENellendq*
dq*- over word count​
Thanks goes out to all the contestants and our two illustrious judges who stepped up to the plate this month. Take a bow, gents.
Alright, Picture Prompt has come and gone, and all it is all over but the shoutin! We had an interesting turn of events with the scores, with it all coming down to two judges! Let's see who came out on top...
In First place, we have Godofwine once again this year with his story The Chase
In Second, Guy Fawkes with his tale Of All the Possibilities
And...oh...good lord, we have a three-way tie for Third with SueC, Ned, and Nathan Brazil for Up, Graven Image, and The Promise of Pleasure
What a contest! What a test of skill! What a...what... oh for god's sake, you want the scores don't you. Well, here you go...

[spoiler2=ppsage's scores] Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that a picture prompt inspired mostly descriptive essays. I don't think I'm a dialogue freak or anything (I hate modern genre work that's pages and pages of people yammering on realistically) but I still find the paucity of character interaction in the majority of the entries a little frightening. Nothing gets a story going like a couple people saying something. Nothing rounds out a character like them saying something. It's quick and efficient authenticity and immediacy, and these super short entries need those like a goose needs feathers. (I guess there's still a bounty out on similes around here, they're also so infrequent.) I would say that almost all these are good ideas which need to be pared down to a realistic size and brought more to life with dramatization and characterization and appropriate imagery. pp 

(I'm probably repeating myself here but... Any entry in the LM should be reviewed and edited using the forum preview function. Posting with appropriate (or even readable) formatting is a pretty dicey proposition here at WF sometimes and checking costs nothing and doesn't count against the entry revising law. It's very easy to figure out, but if you're stuck on how to do this, I suggest you PM an aide. It's definitely gonna be worth some style points, one time or another.)

[1]*SueC
UP
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

Review: I really like the mis-remembering Angela's name motif. Finding room for repetition in these short pieces can be a challenge, finding one as meaningful and characterizing as this more so. This story has a workable blend of characterizing and dramatizing elements, and is by far the best in that class. People often say they want simplicity of language, and I guess those people got that in spades with this piece. I think a little bit more sizzle is in order, especially in the open which kind of sounds like first draft that missed the revision process. Angie's story comes through the bland well but the decision to end on a Webster dictionary theme puzzles me some. 


[2]*ppsage
Quantum Reflection (Judge Entry)
Spelling/Grammar: 
Tone/Voice: 
Effect: 
Overall:*

Review: Probably a bit of familiarity with particle physics and quantum mechanics is helpful here. Not much, just enough to be dangerous. Like worrying about the cat instead of the particle decay.


[3]*Godofwine
The Chase
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 16*

Review: Exemplars usually need colons, which happened once and didn't once. Also a couple missed space typos. A lot of description; handled pretty well. The story came through anyway. Heaving chests and creaking chairs have really been done to death though. Wasn't too happy with her mulling and debating as it was happening; I felt like those weren't urgent enough, but, in the eventual circumstance maybe fitting. The surprise ending seems a bit disappointing to me, maybe I just like more gratuitous gore, but it works okay in context here.


[4]*Moostafus
Waiting Room
Spelling/Grammar: 3
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: 11*

Review: I don't know what the formatting issue is here, if it's deliberate I suggest shelving it forever, if it's (probably) not, then availing oneself of the preview function is definitely recommended. The language here is the standard of cliched macabre pulp, time worn and lifeless. There is so much of it though, that a certain effect is unavoidable. I guess. The main problem I see here is that this is not really a story. It's a snapshot with an extremely brief and unaccountable resolution. That can work in flash, given originality, definition and purpose. It's probably going to be tough to score well, using only half the available words.


[5]*M Phillip
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

Review: I feel like the opening here gets the job done. The language is very active and characterizing. The dialogue makes little oases in a desert of 'what happened next.' (More dialogue please.) The outstanding thing about this story for me was that I knew exactly where it was going from the fourth word of the title. 


[6]*nelen
A blip in the alto ego
Spelling/Grammar: 1
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: DQ for word count?*

Review: This (apparently, according to a pair of on-line word counters) comes in at way over a thousand words (1300+) so I feel it has to be disqualified. I'll give it some scores anyway but effect is kind of easier to achieve if you are at twice the word limit. SPaG is a complete mess: typos, formatting issues, punctuation mistakes and lots of missing words. Spelling not so bad. Use the preview function! Please. Being in first person and including a lot of dialogue, this entry uses the two easiest ways to achieve a decent and recognizable tone and succeeds. The story is engaging but the joke ending is barely adequate.


[7]*ned
Graven Image
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 13*

Review: This is a long and kind of interesting prologue with a short concluding paragraph of story. I never know whether to mark off for unvarying, sing-song, passive sentences of explanation as a grammar flaw or a voice one so I sort of split the difference. Spelling and punctuation seem fine. The idea here, as a response to the prompt, shows some ingenuity and would probably make a good story but by the time all this is dramatized, it's going to come in at 2 or 3k words at least. It's just too big for the format.


[8]*NathanBrazil
The Promise of Pleasure
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

Review: If one is going to take on the task of telling a pretty hair-raising story in a completely detached manner, then this is a pretty good sort of language to use. There's at least some variety in the sentence structure and the word choice isn't totally cliche in this unrelenting telling of 'what came next.' The story suffers a lot from almost complete lack of characterization or context, the things which usually are used to make a reader care. There's a kernel for (yet another) decent tomb-raiding story here, but they're supposed to be dramatic and engaging and scary, and should definitely not proceed with such formality from one grotesque situation to the next. 


[9]*Guy Faukes
Of All the Possibilities
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14*

Review: Pretty intense imagination! There are some gems in this work which is entirely description. Near as I can tell, there is not a single instance of dramatization in this piece. Usually this is an indication that the concept is just too big for a 650 word story and so the piece becomes by necessity a descriptive essay. I think this might work more as a story if it were recast as some kind of a first person rant.


[10]*Chandervalle
Fortune
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: na*

Review: The first half of this is really brilliant. Perfect blend of telling detail and characterizing dialogue. Then those two big blocks of description, which supposedly set up the ending, just stop the story in it's tracks. The ending is confusing. By rights (and authorial promise) he ought to be dead, but apparently he isn't? I think not giving Celestro some lines in the second part is a mistake. Everybody loves Celestro! [/spoiler2]


[spoiler2=Candervalle's Scores]Here's my scores for this month. Let me know if there are any issues or omissions.


************************************************** **************************************************





*SueC
“UP”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 15*

Here is an interesting story about a woman who wants to move up in the world. First off, I did not notice any real SPaG issues here. There was just one sentence that I tripped on.

“She looked up into his face; a kind face, a man with a red beard and a kind face.”

The “kind face,” being mentioned twice was redundant in my opinion. Other than that, your story moved along fluidly. 

The tone/voice had a solid feel to it. I stayed with the story and didn’t lose track at any time. The constant screw up of Angela’s name was deliciously stereotypical of an office environment where you are more like a number than an actual person. One thing I’ll say in critique of the tone was the a lack of suspense. I just didn’t feel it when she’s confronted by the unimaginable, but perhaps that is my misunderstanding of the situation. Perhaps Angela knows exactly what is becoming of her.

As to the effect of the story, I feel like the most powerful part of the this story was the contemplation I had at the end of it. I took the direction of your story to mean that Angela dies and goes into the afterlife, whatever that may be. Of course, this is a topic that gnaws at me as I suspect it does for many, so your story had a significant impact. 

I didn’t quite get the part at the end in regard to the applause and the guy asking about cake, although it did elicit a chuckle from me. Perhaps I misunderstood point the story, but there seemed to be a disconnect from the shocked and horrified reaction of Angela’s co-worker to the congratulatory demeanor of her co-workers.

After reading your story, I looked back at the photo, and I could imagine the eerie image of Joey in his knee high boots. I saw your story in the photo. Well done.

*ppsage
“Quantum Reflection”
(Judges Entry)
Spelling/Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -
Overall: -*

Well well well. What do we have here? Tthe other judge’s entry. It warrants comment even though we judges don’t get a score. It was an interesting read. I liked the mirrored personality of the reflection. Humorous that it is the reverse spelling of your name. Egaspp, is this your alter ego? I always get a kick out of the insult of one being called a plebe. Damn the Romans. All in all, I have to say the story was a little over my head. I’m not really sure what to make of it. I guess maybe I’m the plebe here. Well, it was a fun read anyway. Now I’ll head back to the plow.

*Godofwine
“The Chase”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 10
Overall: 19*

I have to admit something, Godofwine. When I got to your story and saw the title, I thought it was going to be a suspenseful police story filled with gritty gumshoes and reckless recruits, but what I got was so much different. I will admit that this is my favorite entry this month. You had me fooled right up until the very end.

No real SPaG issues that I noticed. 

The tone of your story is one of suspense and urgency mixed with a peculiar scattering of words that don’t quite seem to belong, until you reach the end. Words like, “mulling,” and “ponder,” betray the sense of urgency in Miranda’s situation, which appears to be dire. As I reached the finale of your story, I understood the use of words you used. Thinking like a child, winning the game could, in that moment, be so important it might as well be life and death but without the actual fear of one’s demise. At least that is what I took away from it. Lines such as, “She didn’t want it to be over. Not now.” were fantastic because their meanings change vastly depending on your point of view of the situation. From thinking Miranda desperately doesn’t want her life to be cut short to understanding that she’s fighting through the pain in her toes because she doesn’t want her dad to stop the game of hide and seek.

Your story had a strong effect on this reader. I was sold on the idea that Miranda was fleeing for her life from some madman. I like to fancy I’m not the dullest knife in the block, so I was quite surprised that I had been bamboozled at the end. Another great piece to this is that many stories seem to start off pleasant and then end in some horrific way. Yours is one of the few that reverses that pattern, and I feel that it a bit of fresh air.

As for the photo, I could see the inspiration, but I think your story took on a life of its own. Excellent work.

*Moostafus
“Waiting Room”
Spelling/Grammar: 4
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 7
Overall: 14*

Some minor SPaG issues that I came across. “But he would not loose focus.” I suspect you meant, “lose,” but it is a minor issue. “BING!” This threw me off a little bit. I understand as I read further into the sentence, but at first I thought it might be quote from Wayne, which would seem a little silly. 

As to the tone of your story, I enjoyed it. It was quite descriptive and I liked the detail put in place as the behavior of the walls. It reminds me of an organic parallel to Chief Bromden’s description of the walls in _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_. There was a bit of a disconnect in some of the choices in wording. In some parts, the story is spoken in plain, straightforward language, but then in other places, elaborate phrasing is used, such as “cacophony,” and “crescendo.” I am all for using spicy language, but I do feel consistency is key here. I struggle with this personally.

As to the effect of the story, I feel that it falls a little flat. You build up the tension quite nicely, and I found myself eager to discover Wayne’s fate. And then, “BING!” A few sentences stitch up the story faster than a irritable ER doctor stitches up a drunk’s split forehead. Although you successfully told a story in less than half the allowable words, I would have liked a little more meat to this meal. Who is Wayne? Why is he in this horrible place? Is Oblivion a reward or punishment? Inquiring minds want to know. 

While studying the photo after reading your work, I could imagine those walls writhing like blind snakes waiting to strike. A good entry.


*MPhillip
“The Light at the End of the Tunnel”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 3
Effect: 6
Overall: 14*

They say war is hell. I have never been in a combat zone so I can only imagine how hellish it is. As far as SPaG issues, I didn’t really notice anything amiss. I am not a grammar wizard, so this may just be my personal opinion, but the following line tripped me up a bit:

“Hearing voices, shouting, really, he turned around.”

It seemed choppy and confusing, and I had to re-read it a few times to get a sense of what it meant.

Moving on to tone and voice, your story flowed at a solid pace, but if anything it seemed a bit boring. There seemed to be significant emphasis placed on describing everything that my attention tended to drift from time to time.

I feel like you missed out on the overall effect of the story. There seemed to be disconnect between Rusty’s confusion and sense of urgency and his knowing behavior after seeing his own body. I counted 416 words in your story, and I feel you could have packed much more emotion into Rusty’s epiphany. I would imagine someone seeing their own, broken body would have surge of emotions such as anger, shock, sadness, or even denial. I got the sense that Rusty saw his body and thought, “Oh that’s me. I guess I’ll take off now.” I liked where you were going with your story, and I can see the connection between it and the prompt photo. Well done.

*nelen
“A blip in the alter ego
Spelling/Grammar: -
Tone/Voice: -
Effect: -
Overall: -*

I should start by speaking about the word length. The count I got was a little over 1,300 words, which is close to double the word limit at 650 words. So I can’t provide a score, but I can give some feedback from my point of view.

Regarding SPaG issues, I feel like your piece could have benefitting greatly from some editing and polishing. I noticed several misspellings, punctuation, and grammar errors throughout the story. It got to the point where it became somewhat burdensome to read.

On to tone/voice. One part that threw me off was the sheer amount of detail unloaded on me in the beginning of the story. Much of this information seemed a tad extraneous, at least for a short story competition. About halfway through the story, you shifted from past tense to present tense which was a bit jolting. Perhaps it was intentional, but I didn’t feel it didn’t serve any real purpose in this story.

The effect was someone weak in my opinion, mostly due to the issues I mentioned above. However, I really liked your interpretation of the photo prompt and how it tied in at the end of the story. I feel like you have a gift of being able to tell a story as if you’re telling it out loud to a group of friends, which makes a story feel more natural. As for large amounts of detail, I don’t mind it being in there if you are writing larger pieces. 

You were also able to get me to start feeling quite uncomfortable towards the end of your story, which to me, means that you were successful in sucking the reader into the scene. I think you have a talent for storytelling, so keep at it.

*ned
“Graven Image”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 8
Overall: 17*

Indiana Jones meets Fabio? For some reason that was the image that came to my mind after reading your entry. Starting off with SPaG, I couldn’t find anything amiss. It all looks shipshape. 

As for tone and voice, your entry had a strong direction and seemed to fit together like a Swiss watch. Your choice to use present tense was a bold one. I must say I didn’t quite care for the present tense in this story. For some reason I kept imagining some posh voice-over directing me through the scenes. The bouncing back and forth in tenses sometimes gets to me.

The effect of your story was well worth the trip though. I liked how you get the reader invested in Adam before revealing his uglier side, and that makes it that much more powerful when he is forced to accept the unimaginable. In my opinion, your entry was possibly the most polished story this LM. Well done.

*NathanBrazil
“The Promise of Pleasure”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 7
Overall: 16*

Another Indiana Jones! But this one is a little pervy. But hey, we can’t all be saints, right? There wasn’t any glaring SPaG issues that I noticed. As for tone/voice, you had a strong narrative. It was an engaging story that made me want to find out what was at the end of that tunnel. 

I feel that the biggest difficulty with this contest is the word limit. What I noticed was elaborate description at the beginning of the story, but towards the end, there are relatively few details. For instance, I know that the journal is leather bound and just how broke Stanley is, but I barely receive any detail on this strange being made of fluid. 

At first I wasn’t crazy about the creature in the cave, but I realized that it is essential to the story. I think the shock rod portion was unnecessary or at least the amount of description lended to it was.

Your story did keep me reading and wanting to find out what Stanley will find at the end. I just feel like there was a lot of build up but not so much bang at the end.

As for the adult portions of the story, I didn’t find them uncomfortable, but some reason they didn’t quite mesh with the rest of the story. The ending was a little vague and I had to read it a few times to figure out what had happened, but that may just be how I was processing the information.

All in all this was tantalizing story with some great elements. I feel that more detail at the end could have really made for a satisfying ending. You had an adventurous take on the prompt photo, and I feel that you breathed a lot of energy into a still frame.

*Guy Fawkes
“Of All The Possibilities”
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Tone/Voice: 4
Effect: 9
Overall: 18*

Well that’s depressing. Mankind discovers a way to instantly travel anywhere, but in the end, many people must use it to slave away in jobs they hate. I suspect that this type of scenario will happen should we ever come up with this type of technology. In regard to SPaG issues, I didn’t really notice anything off. One thing that did trip me up was the use of “were,” in the second sentence of your story. I kept wanting to read it as “was,” but I’m not a grammar know-it-all, so I didn’t didn’t knock it.

Your story flowed smoothly and at a fine pace. There was sufficient detail where it was warranted. Ralph’s statement of, “Another night, another dollar,” makes sense, but it seems a little cliche. Perhaps there could be a more original comment made by him. This is just personal preference on my part. I am partial to a statement an old co-worker of mine used to say at the end of a shift. “There’s another day I’ll never get back.”

The effect of your story was strong, and I enjoyed reading it. It had a good ratio of the beginning, middle, and end. Upon finishing the piece, I was satisfied at the conclusion. I could see the photo prompt at work. Indeed, the man in the picture looks like he could be wearing heavy boots and waders. A fine read.  [/spoiler2]


----------



## NathanBrazil (Nov 5, 2017)

Congrats to Godofwine and Guy Fawkes and a plethora of 3rd placers.    Thanks to the judges for taking the time to read and score the entries.  It's been a while since I've submitted to LM.  Looks like I'm pretty rusty.


----------



## SueC (Nov 5, 2017)

Thank you so much to the Judges for your helpful comments. And congrats to the winner, Godofwine! Awesome job. Just a quick note - in the story, I tried to generate an idea of a sterile work environment, and the comment at the end about cake . . . Jeffrey hears that someone is being promoted and thinks there should be cake, reflecting the uncaring attitude of the place. I don't know; I thought it would work, but maybe not. Anyway, thanks a ton for taking the time.


----------



## ned (Nov 5, 2017)

congratulations to Godofwine - and thank you judges for your hard work.


----------



## godofwine (Nov 7, 2017)

I'm showing all of my teeth right now. This is so great. Thank you to the judges and everyone who entered, including Guy Fawkes & SueC. What a great way to head into vacation. I've been on this site for 4 years I think, and I've worked so hard at learning the craft of writing. It feels great to see improvement not only in my writing ability, but in the judges scores and comments, as well.


----------

