# Essay: The Written Dissection of Adults



## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 3, 2014)

*[removed]*


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## Plasticweld (May 4, 2014)

I think you are trying to say to many thing and yet still manage to say very little. I would work from an out line of the points you are trying to make, this reads as if it were written on the fly with no thought put into what direction you really wanted to go.

 In your mind before you started writing you should have been clear in what direction you wanted to go. I don't know if you are under some set number of words that your essay has to be or not. I would cut in half what you wrote, you do have some good thoughts but they are lost in a maze of drivel that make no sense to me. If you had an out line, you could then delve into anyone of the areas with more detail and then be able to reach more of a conclusion in the end, your statements should re-enforce your conclusion.  

You show talent as a writer, who  just needs to focus on the intent of the essay. I do get the impression you are rather bored by the topic. I have found that when all else fails it is more fun to make an outlandish statement and try and back it up, then try and be reasonable with a mundane topic...Bob


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## Pandora (May 4, 2014)

So many good positive words here to describe idealistic people both young and old which is what there are. 
I like this very much . . .

_"Growing up is taking the frameworks of all the ideas and traits to your personality and then, tweaking them in such a way that you don’t have to depend on others, and then applying them to whatever it is with your time spent on Earth. It isn’t settling, and it isn’t giving up what you believe because you want to be accepted."
_
The last line sums up your essay. Perhaps you don't believe in adults, perhaps you think the majority settle and fit in. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by adults to admire and believe in. Take a look at the brilliant people here. A big part of changing the world is being positive and recognizing the good we have around us. The heroes, the builders, the idea makers, they are all around living their lives in a way to be make us all proud. I love Dr Seuss but I must say no one is obsolete. Now if he means we are all just big kids then I agree and the focus of that would be our hearts. The joy we find in discoveries, the innocence that never leaves, the need for lasting friendships, the holding onto our dreams no matter how old.

This line

_"If there’s a God then he probably has so much self-doubt that he questions his own existence."
_
Actually I think God is very proud of us, especially of you, your enthusiasm to make his world a better place is exactly the humans God hopes for.I have hope in you and the next generation to take this world to a better place, that is with love.

Thanks for your essay Nicholas, you have a bright beautiful mind that I'm sure you will be sure to grow in your lifetime,
a lovely lifetime ahead.


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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 4, 2014)

*Removed*


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## qwertyportne (May 6, 2014)

Yes, an outline would probably help you organize your thoughts and thereby give your readers a thread of logic they can follow throughout your essay. It's currently a bit chaotic and hard to follow. Well, perhaps "chaotic" is a bit too harsh for what it really is. But you impressed me with your enthusiasm and your ability to demonstrate a great deal of deep thinking at such a young age. And your first line, well, that's an attention-grabbing first line! But you might condense it to... "_Adults are children who died in the process of growing up._" The word "kids" just doesn't sound correct for the tone of your essay.

The entire essay would benefit from some tightening. Like Plasticweld, I feel you are trying to say too much. But like Pandora, I think you are well equipped to say lots more with lots less. In that regard, less is often more, and a tighter focus will result in tighter writing. Let me suggest you do a bit more research to find your focus. Start with Carl Jung and his thoughts on individuation. Then explore the differences between dependent, independent and interdependent in relation to context. Unless you live by yourself in a cave or on an island, who we are is always in the context of who the other people in our lives are. You might even take a look at a post I started in the Non-Fiction forum titled Tweenagers. Might give you some more food for thought. Couple of quotes and I'll leave you to it:

_"If you hang out with people who do not share your passion and your values, your real peers won't find you." I-Ching

"It takes a certain strength to live in civilization, for it is community with its slings and arrows that is man's true Darwinian test.  The weak and troubled cleave to the shelter of the fringes, to the skid rows, shuttered apartments and nooks and crannies of the wilderness..."  --Shawn Hubler

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." George Eliot
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## Nicholas McConnaughay (May 6, 2014)

*Removed*


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