# The Train



## RC James (Mar 30, 2018)

The train’s whistle breaks the night
into pieces of dark cloth hand-sewn
stars colliding with each other in the
rush for a space to sit, minds hurtling
in tempo to the train’s clacking wheels.

Guided onboard by pubescent guards
wearing Gestapo uniforms decorated
with trim and festooned with buttons
of gold extracted from the teeth of 
these passengers’ relatives now lost in
the smoke of a tyrant’s power fantasy.

The greeters at the razor wired perimeter 
of the camp are burly, shaggy, canines
of the violent shepherd variety, herding 
the people into groups, separating wife
from husband, son from daughter, baby
from mother, hope from all consciousness.

In the barracks, row after row of bunks,
ghost-like figures stare mute, stun-silenced,
as Victoria, once 1[SUP]st[/SUP] violinist for the Warsaw
Symphony Orchestra, plays in her mind, 
Beethoven’s Symphony No. 7 in A Major, 
Op. 92, Movements two-four, flawlessly.

Her fellow musicians miss her deft tones,
her touch of ghostly finesse on the stage of
their greatest triumphs, but her fingers, now
are scarred, mutilated, beyond any possibility
of caressing, soothing, stroking the strings on
her beloved Stradivarius, given her by her grand-
father, given him by his father, long a priceless
addition of welcome sounds and celebration,
not only on the gilded stages, but in the drawing
room of the family’s home.

The crying and sobbing of other prisoners is chorus
to her dreamy flights of musical invention and tears.


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## TuesdayEve (Mar 30, 2018)

Dear RC,
The subject matter for me is always hearbreaking but
should never be forgotten. 
I think the long sentences flow nicely and add a 
quickened pace to the read, an anxiousness that works 
well here.
There was just one line that slowed the flow for me 
as it was to many syllables too many small words,
S3L1 going into L2.... perhaps, ‘Greeters at the camps
razor wire borders, are burly...’
Also the last two lines are very powerful.
Thanks for posting this poem.


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## RC James (Mar 31, 2018)

TE - Thanks for your look and good suggestion - I agree - RC


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## ned (Mar 31, 2018)

hello - I have written a poem about the concentration camps, and I know how difficult it is.

the title is irrelevant - other than a whistle, we have no description, which is a shame.

in the first verse, there is a nice metaphor - but 'dark cloth' doesn't relate to yellow.

for me, the second verse is overstated and perhaps unnecessary.
guided, pubescent - have the wrong connotations. 
and do train guards have gold buttons? - fresh from the camp foundry.
gestapo and tyrant’s power fantasy - is too much.

the third verse puts the inhumanity on to dogs - mention them, but you can't blame them
yes, I know it's supposed to be metaphor
greeters, razor-wire and mothers separated from babies don't chime.

in the barracks - shows a lack of understanding.
a good opportunity here for description and imagery, spurned for a list of classical numbers.

why are her fingers scarred and mutilated?

and ending with crying and sobbing is bluntly telling rather than showing.
give more vivid and honest descriptions of the place, the people and events, and leave the emotions to the reader.

it is a brave subject to tackle - so, I applaud you for that.
I can only suggest that you do more research to unearth the details - as I did.

or simply tell Victoria's story.

cheers...............Ned


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Apr 1, 2018)

What a powerful piece! LOL! impressive, some of those syllables are though are distracting the cadence of the piece.


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## senecaone (Apr 2, 2018)

liked it very much


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## Firemajic (Apr 2, 2018)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> What a powerful piece! LOL! impressive, some of those syllables are though are distracting the cadence of the piece.




with all due respect... would you share with me, your use of "LOL" ??? There is NOTHING funny about this poem or any of the comments... do you know what LOL means? And I am asking with respect... so I can understand...


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## Firemajic (Apr 2, 2018)

RC James said:


> The train’s whistle breaks the night
> into pieces of dark cloth hand-sewn
> stars colliding with each other in the
> rush for a space to sit, minds hurtling
> ...


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## Nellie (Apr 3, 2018)

Firemajic said:
			
		

> First stanza... you missed a perfect opportunity to make this a powerful stanzaby talking about the train... and not focusing on WHAT the train carried.. People ripped from their homes, separated forcibly from their loved ones... terrified, packed like cattle, cold, hungry.... some wounded... some never made it to the death camps.... babies screaming with fear and hunger... and the smell of piss and feces...because there was no bathrooms..
> 
> so yeah, your opening stanza is weak..... the trains whistle could not be heard over the screams......
> 
> ...



IMO, the first stanza was only the beginning........one must keep on reading to keep focusing on the poem and the effects of the TRAIN to the DEATH camp! As I said before, have YOU ever visited Auschwitz or Anne Franke's place in the Netherlands? Maybe you should and see/ hear the real story and the effects of riding that train has on a human being. Maybe they did hear the train. The survivor of the Holocaust I met in Germany didn't really discuss the sounds of the train, only the sounds in the DEATH CAMP!

I could post something from YouTube about The Train to Auschwitz or post some of the photos I took while at Anne Franke's museum, but I know my efforts would be ill spent.

Experience is the best teacher, anyway, IMO.


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## Firemajic (Apr 3, 2018)

Nellie said:


> IMO, the first stanza was only the beginning........one must keep on reading to keep focusing on the poem and the effects of the TRAIN to the DEATH camp! As I said before, have YOU ever visited Auschwitz or Anne Franke's place in the Netherlands? Maybe you should and see/ hear the real story and the effects of riding that train has on a human being. Maybe they did hear the train. The survivor of the Holocaust I met in Germany didn't really discuss the sounds of the train, only the sounds in the DEATH CAMP!
> 
> I could post something from YouTube about The Train to Auschwitz or post some of the photos I took while at Anne Franke's museum, but I know my efforts would be ill spent.
> 
> Experience is the best teacher, anyway, IMO.




Nellie, with all due respect, I was not addressing ANYTHING, except what the poet wrote... I was NOT addressing anything else. I expressed my opinion. THATS ALL. And that is all a critique is... JUST AN OPINION, and it is not meant to cause hostile comments. 

When a poem is posted ... it is open for critique, comments, opinions and feedback. If the poet does NOT want comments, feedback, opinions and critique, then that should be stated in the OP.... IF a poet only wants praise, then THAT should be stated in the OP. If this upsets you, then stop reading my comments.... thank you....


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## Namyh (Apr 3, 2018)

RC - I much enjoyed the storyline but I thought it was given a big boost by your very well crafted visuals. I could see them and I could feel them, primary objectives every first class writer should aim for. Thanks for doing it here. HH


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## RC James (Apr 4, 2018)

First stanza... you missed a perfect opportunity to make this a powerful stanza by talking about the train... and not focusing on WHAT the train carried.. People ripped from their homes, separated forcibly from their loved ones... terrified, packed like cattle, cold, hungry.... some wounded... some never made it to the death camps.... babies screaming with fear and hunger... and the smell of piss and feces...because there was no bathrooms..

You've done exactly what I expected the reader to do - supplied the common-knowledge details of the
train's conditions - the important part of the piece is the mind of the musician - and your predecessor's 
crit that I named the musical composition she was imagining is really the whole point, the *detail *in *that*,
the specificity, highlights her professionalism and expertise gone to waste in the camp.  

 the trains whistle could not be heard over the screams......

Have you ever stood next to a steam train engine when the whistle was sounding? 
It would cover a pipe bomb exploding.

RC


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## RC James (Apr 5, 2018)

Thank you Namyh - RC


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## Firemajic (Apr 5, 2018)

RC James said:


> First stanza... you missed a perfect opportunity to make this a powerful stanzaby talking about the train... and not focusing on WHAT the train carried.. People ripped from their homes, separated forcibly from their loved ones... terrified, packed like cattle, cold, hungry.... some wounded... some never made it to the death camps.... babies screaming with fear and hunger... and the smell of piss and feces...because there was no bathrooms..
> 
> You've done exactly what I expected the reader to do - supplied the common-knowledge details of the
> train's conditions - the important part of the piece is the mind of the musician - and your predecessor's
> ...



You are right... about the intent of your poem, and I am sorry that I forgot that... your focus was on the MUSICIAN... her story... so I sincerely apologize....

You are a highly skilled poet, and an accomplished storyteller... and my critique was directed and tailored for your skill level... as such, I guess I expected a different.... attitude from you, because you are not a novice, because you are a mature poet, I addressed you on that level, hoping you would see my POV and respect it, as I had great respect for your artistry....

As a Mentor, I only want to inspire, encourage and offer a different view... but in the end, it is about respect for each other's work and respect for each other.. and a little kindness goes a long way.. I hope you accept my sincere apology ...


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## RC James (Apr 5, 2018)

I hope you accept my sincere apology ...

Certainly - but no real need - it's part of my makeup/disease - Intermittent Explosive Disorder - I know I'm doing it at the time
but can't get myself to back down - My apologies for that -= RC


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## Firemajic (Apr 5, 2018)

RC James said:


> I hope you accept my sincere apology ...
> 
> Certainly - but no real need - it's part of my makeup/disease - Intermittent Explosive Disorder - I know I'm doing it at the time
> but can't get myself to back down - My apologies for that -= RC




Of course... we are good.... I just need to remember ... there is a poet behind the poem....  thank you...


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## ArianSpirit (Apr 5, 2018)

I’ve been away for a bit dealing with things so I am so glad to see this derailed thread is back on track and all are back with respect for one another.

That being said RC, holy crap what a concept to take on and you did it very well. I totally understood the POV you were trying to get across to a reader. Some of us are older and some younger that do not totally grasp the period.

And as always please take or leave any suggestions I make.

I vision so many things within this as I am a WWII buff.

As Ned mentioned the title alone no one truly understands but can feel it in their souls so it is a shame we cannot truly nail that down.

I only read through a couple of comments before things got a little derailed. So, my thoughts are only mine and as always take or leave. I’m going from the perspective in the mind of the musician. I’m not going to rewrite or suggest anything to exchange for words but want you to think…S1 tends to be the weakest; to make it stronger put it within the mind of the musician in S4. I am thinking it is a young woman and with small hands that will be useful for the cause but in her mind she has HOPE to do what she has a gift for. It is a scary thing but describe it from the whistle and how it affects the musician. Visually S2 and S3 are spot on for me but maybe not others. S4 I  do have some ideas to tighten it up but don’t want to over step anything I’ve said.

I can see this and the images are grim but real. The last 2 lines bring it home and make one cry or at least it made me cry.

This is a tough topic to write about and as horrible as it sounds I truly enjoyed it because I am old enough to know it happened and also lost an uncle.

~A

I edited my response because I felt I needed to explain a little more. (sorry)


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## RC James (Apr 5, 2018)

AS - That's a good take on the opening and I agree I should introduce her there rather than hold out to the middle - Thank you - RC


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## grimalkin (Apr 7, 2018)

Strong written well expressed piece with good flow and descriptions eloquent and succinct


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