# Circles of Red: The Hunt Begins



## MrTiggles (Dec 14, 2015)

I figured since I'm new here, I would post a portion of the short story I'm currently working on. 
Hope you enjoy it, feel free to leave any critique.

P.S Hope I got the format right, It's kinda wierd.


The wind beat relentlessly against him as he accelerated towards the clouds above. An intense shot of adrenaline made him temporarily forget the pain and fear he had been experiencing only moments ago.     The world whisked by underneath him, more vast than he had ever imagined. Finally, entering the barricade above he was immediately assaulted by a wave of cold, as his body was covered in moisture that changed into beads on his massive form.

Spinning a pirouette, he burst through the clouds, spraying driplets in all directions that rained down on the world below. Leveling himself out he gasped, pure untainted beauty, he was floating on a sea of white as a god in his own kingdom.

He spent a good part of the day dipping in and out of the clouds. With amplified vision, he explored the land around him. Far below, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake, a group of men traveled in perfect unison. Armor glinting in the sun, they marched three wide, orderly and proud.

He felt himself being forcefully yanked away, his light fading to be replaced by a veil of red. The darkness was already festering deep within his soul.

At his maw, the world would burn.




Utilizing the many lessons taught to him by his father, Pierce glided over the rocks and through the knee high brush. Keeping trees in-between him and his target at all times, he focused on staying upwind of his prey, just another shadow among the forest.

He made steady progress on his way up the mountain, always looking for the next set of cover. Pierce could sense his target off to his right, a glimpse of white or a rattle in the bushes giving it away to the young hunter. The doe skipped it's way merrily up the forest trails, oblivious to the danger behind it.

The sights and the sounds of the forest attacked his senses, inhaling the fresh air a light breeze tickling his skin, it all made him feel so free and unshackled. This was his element, the forest his true home. Someday the bards would sing legends of him, a true hunter to be envied by all hunters.

Or so he dreamed.

Lost in his thoughts, Pierce forgot one of the most important lessons of stalking prey. Watch where you put your feet. 

His toe caught on an odd shaped rock, the world tilted and he smashed face first into the brush in front of him. His bow soared over the reeds, to come to a sliding stop in the clearing beyond. 

He stayed there completely frozen, letting time pass in silence. Through the bottom of the brush, he could barely make out the doe's hooves. The beast had stopped in the clearing, obviously startled by the sudden noise. She stayed there immobile for a few moments, scanning the forest for the source of the unseen danger. A spray of dirt and leaves behind her, she darted into the trees ahead.

Scrambling to his feet, growling and spouting curses that would surely get him slapped back home, he crossed the clearing. This day was far to important to fail, this was the day he would become a man in his father's eyes. Gazing down at the last place he had seen her, Pierce studied the direction he had seen the doe flee.

He slowly followed her trail up the path, his investigation telling him that she was still headed to the pond above. A popular feeding and breeding ground for the wildlife on this side of the mountain. Retrieving his fallen bow, his excitement returned in full he continued the hunt. This time being careful to avoid any odd shaped rocks, and un-needed daydreams.


I will post more in the future, it is fully written at this point and I'm working on rewrites.
Hope you enjoyed it!


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## Harper J. Cole (Dec 14, 2015)

Thank you, that was a fun snippet. The first section made me think of super-heroes, the second was more in the fantasy genre. I think you wrote it well; I do have a few suggestions, though, mainly to do with punctuation.




> Leveling himself out he gasped*,* pure untainted beauty, he was floating on a sea of white as a god in his own kingdom.




I'd suggest a semi-colon or hyphen here, as the rest of the sentence explains why he gasps.




> Keeping trees in-between him and his target at all times, he focused on staying upwind of his prey, just another shadow *among the forest*.




'Among' has to be used with a plural, e.g. 'among the branches'.




> The doe skipped *it's* way merrily up the forest trails, oblivious to the danger behind it.




The possessive 'its' doesn't take an apostrophe; think of it as equivalent to 'his' or 'hers', which also have no apostrophe.




> The sights and the sounds of the forest attacked his senses*,* inhaling the fresh *air* a light breeze tickling his skin, it all made him feel so free and unshackled.




Here I think that a semi-colon works better than a comma, denoting related clauses. I'd also add a comma after 'air', as there is a natural pause here.




> Gazing down at the last place he had *seen* her, Pierce studied the direction he had *seen* the doe flee.




It's best to avoid using the same word twice in quick succession, as this breaks the flow of the piece for your readers. The first instance might be replaced with 'sighted', or another synonym.



> He slowly followed her trail up the path, his investigation telling him that she was still headed to the pond above*.* A popular feeding and breeding ground for the wildlife on this side of the mountain.




This period should be a hyphen, I think, or else the next sentence should start 'It was a popular ...'




> Retrieving his fallen bow, his excitement returned in *full* he continued the hunt.




Comma after 'full' here, as this is a natural pause. Think of it as this sentence: 'Retrieving his fallen bow he continued the hunt' with the aside 'his excitement returned in full' placed in the middle of it, with commas at the beginning and end marking out the aside.

HC


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## MrTiggles (Dec 14, 2015)

I definitely do need to work on my grammar.
Never been my strongest trait.
I really appreciate the feedback


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## ned (Dec 16, 2015)

enjoyed the read - but rather slow and ponderous for a short story.
for me, it needs to be parred down - throw out all the clutter and give the story some drive.
a lot has been said, but not much has happened.

well written, that kept me engaged to the end - Harper makes good points.
would add - trees in-between him and his target - just between will suffice.
barely make out the doe's hooves. - hooveprints, surely.

cheers
Ned


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## MrTiggles (Dec 16, 2015)

Thank you for your input Ned 
I was thinking along the same lines, this was actually a portion of my 1st rewrite.
In my second draft I've actually slimmed this portion down quite a lot, in order to get to the meatier bits faster.
I really appreciate the input, I'm fairly new to this and will take all of the advice I can get.


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## RDA (Dec 24, 2015)

The read put me at ease. Interesting how certain bits can do that, in a good way.


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## Peasley (Jan 4, 2016)

Just another grammer point here:Spinning a pirouette, he burst through the clouds, spraying  droplets in all directions that rained down on the world below.


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## whycan'tIhinkofaname? (Feb 5, 2016)

I won't repeat what others have put but I must say it was a great read but the switch between genres didn't seem to flow with the story and it seemed a little jumpy. great story though


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## DarkSunshine (Feb 8, 2016)

"The sights and the sounds of the forest attacked his senses, inhaling the fresh air a light breeze tickling his skin, it all made him feel so free and unshackled. This was his element, the forest his true home. Someday the bards would sing legends of him, a true hunter to be envied by all hunters.

Or so he dreamed."

I don't think that break was necessary. Maybe like this?

"The sights and the sounds of the forest attacked his senses, inhaling the fresh air a light breeze tickling his skin, it all made him feel so free and unshackled. This was his element, the forest his true home. Someday the bards would sing legends of him, a true hunter to be envied by all hunters. Or so he dreamed."

Sorry for nitpicking!
Anyways, this was an interesting story! Can't wait for more!


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## Radrook (Feb 28, 2016)

Question: What switch of genres and where?


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## johnb229 (Apr 3, 2016)

This may be answered in other portions of your story, but I think the critical question for the reader is (1) how is this guy flying, (2) why is he flying, (3) where is he getting his enhanced powers from.  I think you need to provide some explanation.


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## FunkyNed (Apr 9, 2016)

MrTiggles said:


> This time being careful to avoid any odd shaped rocks, and un-needed daydreams.


 So, was the first part about flying just a daydream?


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## StuartMacLaren (Apr 12, 2016)

Beautifully written, I already feel a connection to the character. The only thing I would suggest is to go over your grammar and syntax, it never hurts to do some formal studying on the side


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## BeeGee84 (Apr 29, 2016)

A great piece of work MrTiggles and very well written. I was drawn into this from the start, flying along right next to the MC. I did think from the first few paragraphs that it was going to be some kind of superhero flying around. I think it would nice to mention what his means of flying are. I am really looking forward to reading more if this. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Great job!


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