# In Search of Lucidity



## SvirVolgate (Jun 27, 2010)

...


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## Foxryder (Jun 28, 2010)

This is wonderful. The first stanza is very realistic. It's what happens to our everday human environment. I like the imagery and the words used to hone it.

The other stanzas, I feel, collectively show the conscious effort of the persona to rise with a new thought devoid of any odious feeling or desires found in the theatre of his/her dream.

Thanks for coming in with the poem.


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## vangoghsear (Jun 28, 2010)

SvirV, there is an incongruity to the words chosen and the feelings they  invoke.    Was this intended?  The contrast is interesting, but if it does come off as not intentional.  A few words added somewhere to link the contrasting elements would make this pretty cool.  Not quite sure what to suggest. 

If it was not intended to contrast, you could just change some of the imagery to match the other, for instance:
Birds curse the sun
with a shrill song;
the terse tune tears 
through dark dreams  ​There is some really cool imagery in the piece.



SvirVolgate said:


> In Search of Lucidity
> 
> Birds hail the sun *(Pleasant)*
> with a morning song;*(Pleasant)*
> ...


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## SilverMoon (Jun 28, 2010)

Svir, just brief input as the others covered your work pretty thourougly.



> ripping eyelids open


 I don't think "ripping" works. here. When I think of ripping, I think of the ripping of paper. So, this threw me off. Maybe something like "my eyelids open wildly"



> swirl around globy eyes
> like a dead fish
> flushing away—


Spectacular! Connecting "swirl" with "flushing away" and I like the image of the dead fish. But, of course, I would!

If you decide to re-write (it has great potential) have fun with it.
Like fiddling around with a puzzle! Laurie


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## B.Mac (Jun 28, 2010)

I liked your innocuous use of brutal words. It didn't bore me to tears.


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## Chesters Daughter (Jul 2, 2010)

I like this very much as is, Svir. If the seesawing was unintentional, it most certainly was a wonderful byproduct. Unlike Laurie, I loved ripping. Big pat on the back for your title, oh so befitting. You captured the transition from surreal to real brilliantly.

Best,
Lisa


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## Gumby (Jul 6, 2010)

I too really like this, Svir, for all the reasons already mentioned here. Excellent work.


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## Firemajic (Sep 20, 2011)

I love this--brilliantly written....Peace...Jul


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## Bloggsworth (Sep 21, 2011)

SvirVolgate said:


> In Search of Lucidity
> 
> Birds hail the sun
> with a morning song;
> ...



This is a good idea spoiled by over-egging the pudding and contradiction. A _light _memory would surely not _tear_ through dark dreams and _rip _eyelids open - perhaps a_ sharp_ or _piercing_ melody. An illusory delerium is basically a tautology, you're saying the same thing twice. If you are consciously logical you are by definition not deluded.

_Deep seeded desires_ is either a clever misquote of of a common phrase, or it should have been _deep *seated *desires - _I think we should be told.


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## SvirVolgate (Sep 25, 2011)

it says light melody. As in sunlight.


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## SvirVolgate (Sep 25, 2011)

seeded is how i wanted it to be. This is a pretty old piece. I need to post more of my recent work.


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