# Lewy Bodies



## aj47 (Dec 11, 2015)

my faculties gone--
treacherous dementia
--I lost my puppy


Especially interested in punctuation assistance.

I added the dashes.

I think using two links the first and third lines in an important way.


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## ned (Dec 12, 2015)

difficult to advise on punctuation for such a piece - maybe, it doesn't need any?
only you know for sure what you're going for here, so its not clear where the emphasis might be.
for a twist, perhaps...

my faculties 
gone treacherous 
dementia I lost 
my puppy

Ned


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## Gumby (Dec 12, 2015)

A few suggestions, here. 



> my faculties gone,
> treacherous dementia;
> I've lost my puppy.


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## rcallaci (Dec 12, 2015)

Well if this is a Senryu then very little punctuation is required. 

my faculties gone
treacherous dementia-
I lost my puppy

*Japanese haiku and or Senryu is un-rhymed and un-punctuated. The only form of punctuation used is – : or ! for the cut or the divide.*


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## aj47 (Dec 12, 2015)

My question to you, Bob,  Is a question ever acceptable?


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## rcallaci (Dec 12, 2015)

A question is not a question till one asks a question. So what is your question? All questions are acceptable


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## Sonata (Dec 12, 2015)

My question is, have you really lost a puppy or is it just something in some sort of poem.


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## escorial (Dec 12, 2015)

It was a pleasure to read and the replies to the punctuation was so interesting...for me punctuation is like another form of mathematics...both beyond me


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## aj47 (Dec 12, 2015)

rcallaci said:


> A question is not a question till one asks a question. So what is your question? All questions are acceptable



I was meaning in senryu, is ending with a question considered gauche or is it okay?



Sonata said:


> My question is, have you really lost a puppy or is it just something in some sort of poem.



This *is* the poetry board.  I want to focus on the poem, not puppies.


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## rcallaci (Dec 12, 2015)

I'm sorry my dim brain didn't get your question. Ending with a question is okay not gauche at all- as a matter of fact it sets a different image or snapshot  in the minds eye-


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## Fats Velvet (Dec 12, 2015)

I lean towards:

my faculties gone - (not quite a semi-colon, not quite a comma, but visually implies a direct link to the next line.)
treacherous dementia.  A stop to let it sink in.
I lost my puppy.  Bam.  Blunt.

The puppy he/she had, if ever there was.  Reversion to childlike, with an adult awareness that something is very, very wrong and powerless to do anything about it.  Powerful, simple poem.  That last line both reinforces the previous two and, in a way, is an abrupt rip away from the narrators awareness.  Well played.  

​


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## shedpog329 (Dec 12, 2015)

oh boy, sometimes i think i have this too...I've looked into it, I dont thank God but for a minute there......

anyway nice poem, appreciated.


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## inkwellness (Dec 13, 2015)

Enjoyed it! Sad but true.


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## escorial (Dec 13, 2015)

what are your thoughts now on punctuation....have you altered your initial theories....i'm fine reading without any but this is not the case for most....


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## aj47 (Dec 13, 2015)

I'm thinking Fats is half right.  I think a dash after the first line as the only punctuation.  I haven't decided yet, but that seems to slow down the first part in terms of pacing.


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## escorial (Dec 13, 2015)

astroannie said:


> I'm thinking Fats is half right.  I think a dash after the first line as the only punctuation.  I haven't decided yet, but that seems to slow down the first part in terms of pacing.




there are a few variations you could use and i think it's more about personal preference over grammar...punctuation is a blast....cool reasoning


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## TL Murphy (Dec 14, 2015)

It does make a good senryu as noted earlier.
Otherwise, here's my suggestion, I don't like dashes and in this poem you don't need and punctuation.  Just use space:

my faculties      gone

treacherous 
dementia

I lost my puppy


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## TL Murphy (Dec 14, 2015)

In my post above I tried to insert an em space in the first line between faculties and gone.  But I'm still getting used to the format here and it didn't work.  I'll try again (dots indicate empty space)

my faculties...... gone

treacherous 
dementia

I lost my puppy


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## Gumby (Dec 14, 2015)

astroannie said:


> my faculties gone--
> treacherous dementia
> --I lost my puppy
> 
> ...



I agree, that works very nicely.


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## RHPeat (Dec 15, 2015)

The dashes could be replaced with commas. But commas or dashes it doesn't matter. But the punctuation makes the middle line metaphorical as an appositive or appositional as a restatement. That the middle line refers back to the first line as Fats says. At times appositives can reword lines adding more intent to the composition in question. 

Example for instance: 

Wearing thick facial make-up 
and heavy bright red lipstick, 
a mask for a residue in time,
she entered the pub 
thinking she owned the place. 

The "mask" line being the appositive. 

or like AstroAnnie's use of dashes

Wearing thick facial make-up 
and heavy bright red lipstick — 
a mask for residue in time
— she entered the pub 
thinking she owned the place. 

but it can even use both a comma and a dash as well. 

Wearing thick facial make-up 
and heavy bright red lipstick, 
a mask for residue in time —
she entered the pub 
thinking she owned the place. 

it's still an appositive within the lines. 
It can also be longer as two or three lines in a longer poem. One thing to keep in mind is the metaphorical stance of poetry as a power of suggestion. That words can imply more than they say through connotations and the use of figurative language. That contextual device as a figure of speech can imply more to use of words to create deeper understanding below the surface of the poem textual vocabulary. Vocabulary itself can even become in question if a word out of context with the rest of the poem. A word can feel out of place within the poem. That the prosody/ music of the poem can become over burdened in ways. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## aj47 (Dec 15, 2015)

Would you be okay if we used this post to start a thread in the poetry discussion?  You say some things I'd like to respond to, but don't wish to derail this thread (or bury the discussion where folks will forget where it is).


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## Ariel (Dec 15, 2015)

I have started the discussion thread here: http://www.writingforums.com/thread...m-quot-Lewy-Bodies-quot?p=1941910#post1941910

Enjoy.


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