# Uncut, unedited



## NicB.

I hate.
Whom
I have
Become.
Because
I Love
You.

_I sip bourbon alone on this perfect summer night._
_The kind of night that haunts me in my dreams._
_Hope for,_
_Yearn for…_
_Something._
_That which._
_I can no longer remember, _
_but…_
_Still feel._
_Deep within me_
_Within the chasm of my life._

The air is 
Perfect.
Saturated.
Suffocating.
breathe.
breathe.
Breathe it.
_BREATHE IT!_
Drown in the lies created by your mind.
Perfect lies, perfect night…

_I am the black._
_I am the white._
_the wisps of gray lost in the in-between._
_A fleeting thought,_
_neither here nor there._
_The lazy tendrils of smoke_
_That tumble from my cigar,_
_From my lips,_
_Lost and forgotten in a _
_moment_
_from_
_my breath._
_MY BREATH…_

You unbalance 
the balance 
of 
My life.
Ripples in the glassy still
An aftershock of your undeniable beauty.

_I hear the cicadas,_
_The thunder of their staccato melody _
_As it fractures the silence of the night._

I hate.
I love.
I loved.
You.

Betrayed
I feel
It.
You.

_I wipe the spit from my face_
_As I try to collect the fragments of my life,_
_From the gutter in the road._
_Fragments that hold._
_That held..._
_All I am, all whom I hoped to be._
_And I am left here._
_Alone_
_To rebuild_
_My world._
_A world I no longer remember how to build._

A single
Tear.
Rolls down.
my cheek.
MY cheek.
Hits.
My lip.
My breathe.
MY BREATHE.
I hate.
I love.
You.


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## Nacian

Amasing words..great style.
I hope you're Ok..


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## Firemajic

This is a dark--twisted--hellish poem,  lots of drama and angst.. maybe a little over done---NOT!  Very well done.  " I hate who I have become because I love you"---Oh I know exactly what you are saying.  Been there--done that--NOT going to do that again. Your talent is in not being afraid to show your naked emotions---the good--the bad and the ugly...I applaud you for that.  Peace...Jul


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## rundahl

Hi NicB,

I sometimes wish there was a genre called "therapy", or "Been there done that." You are raw, dark, and in pain. I mean your work is. 

_I am the black._
_I am the white._
_the wisps of gray lost in the in-between._
_A fleeting thought,_
_neither here nor there._
_The lazy tendrils of smoke_
_That tumble from my cigar,_
_From my lips,_
_Lost and forgotten in a _
_moment_
_from_
_my breath._
_MY BREATH…  (I  love this)
_It has a dreamy feeling to it. I also bring to mind the surreal experience that can take place when reality is clouded by over consumption._
_I also enjoy the way you change font style to convey a new feeling, a new memory, or new experience. It makes it easier for me to switch gears and prepare for your message. 
This is great. Thanks.


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## Prof

What a great way to say I love you and you don't care.  I agree with FireMajic that you are not over the top.  I would add that you are close though.  If I had to nit pick, and I do have to, it's in my nature, I would say "the chasm of my life" is an awkward image  Maybe "the chasm which has become my life"?  Still, very good, keep bringing them  to us.


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## Boddaert

I especially liked '_the wisps of gray lost in the in-between'. This worked really well for me. _


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## kangamaroo

I really like this man. Can relate too which I personally find a bonus with writing. Nice


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## NicB.

thanks all, glad you enjoyed it!


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## Sita

Amazing. There are no other words for it.


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## alanmt

wow. I feel like you are speaking just to me.


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## candid petunia

Angst. Beautiful. Love the way you wrote it, the poem has a raw appeal to it.


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## NicB.

^^Thanks!  Glad you liked it.  If only I could write things like that without having to live it first.  Ah well.


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## j.w.olson

I am a bitter person, and I don't like seeing an abundance of positive replies divorced from critique and suggestions for improvement; I therefore feel the need to temper this conversation with complaint. Please do not take it personally.

I do very much like the bits of imagery that are here -- the cicadas, the summer night, the cigar smoke, and the spit on your face. They are vivid and work well for me. I think they complement the emotion you are going for very well.

Unfortunately, none of the rest of it works for me. The basic words presented in such a plain staccato hit me as nothing more than words -- the general lack of imagery and figurative language prevents any of the words from striking a deeper resonance within me or calling forth an emotional response of any sort. Reading the words "I hate you" or "I love you" is very different than feeling the words. I can tell that the author/narrator feels them in this poem -- but that hasn't come across for me. In general, I just got annoyed at all the period and line breaks.

Also "breathe" in the last stanza should probably be "breath."

Including more specifics, developing some motif, analogy, or sensory imagery would really help bring the emotion you're going for into relief on the paper (er.. screen). Possibly consider some cutting. And some editing. You do have plenty of potential to work with in this poem, though.

(Off-topic, but I'm intrigued that you've been here since 2004 but it says your only three posts are in this thread.)


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## NicB.

j.w.olson said:


> I am a bitter person, and I don't like seeing an abundance of positive replies divorced from critique and suggestions for improvement; I therefore feel the need to temper this conversation with complaint. Please do not take it personally.
> 
> I do very much like the bits of imagery that are here -- the cicadas, the summer night, the cigar smoke, and the spit on your face. They are vivid and work well for me. I think they complement the emotion you are going for very well.
> 
> Unfortunately, none of the rest of it works for me. The basic words presented in such a plain staccato hit me as nothing more than words -- the general lack of imagery and figurative language prevents any of the words from striking a deeper resonance within me or calling forth an emotional response of any sort. Reading the words "I hate you" or "I love you" is very different than feeling the words. I can tell that the author/narrator feels them in this poem -- but that hasn't come across for me. In general, I just got annoyed at all the period and line breaks.
> 
> Also "breathe" in the last stanza should probably be "breath."
> 
> Including more specifics, developing some motif, analogy, or sensory imagery would really help bring the emotion you're going for into relief on the paper (er.. screen). Possibly consider some cutting. And some editing. You do have plenty of potential to work with in this poem, though.
> 
> (Off-topic, but I'm intrigued that you've been here since 2004 but it says your only three posts are in this thread.)



Well, the title is "Uncut, Unedited", so you are correct, but I already pointed out as much.  My staccato (stream of conscious) style is very much intentional and replicates the mind's state during such times of duress: fractured, disjointed, frenetic, unclear, reflective, semi-intoxicated, irrational, etc.  I think it works quite well for this piece and has enough "imagery" to make it tangible.  I often find other writers will focus on the imagery, the structure, the grammar, and ultimately lose the meaning of the prose.  But, your points are taken, and I do appreciate the critique!

Regarding my other works, I used to post more frequently.  At some point between then and now, WritingForums.com must have undergone some software/hardware change.  All my old posts are gone, I have no idea what happened to them.  My overarching style is typically not so disjointed (though it can be).  

Thank you for reading.
NicB.


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## j.w.olson

Ah, I gotcha. And with the "uncut, unedited" thing, I had assumed that was your title and not a disclaimer. Fair point on the staccato nature -- it doesn't work for me unless I put in significant effort to already feel that way before I read it, but others may be different. Thanks for the reply.


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## Willow

In relation to the discussion above on the staccato style I would like to add that I experienced it exactly as NicB. said, a disjointed and jarring state of mind which adds to the 'dreamlike' feel of the poem, as rundahl put it. I feel the rhythm of the poem is integral to its meaning, the pain and frustration wouldn't come across quite as well without it. It's ironic that the word 'staccato' actually appears in the poem. 
My favorite line: 'Ripples in the glassy still' - absolutely beautiful.


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## Willow

In response to the discussion above on the staccato style I would like to add that I experienced it exactly as NicB. said, reflecting and expressing a jarring and disjointed state of mind, adding to the dreamlike feel of the poem. I feel the pain and frustration of the poet/poem would not come across quite as well without it. It's ironic that the word 'staccato' actually appears in the poem 
'Uncut, Unedited' would be the perfect name for this poem as, perhaps, it serves as a disclaimer concerning the level refinement but also as a disclaimer for the content, the poem is an expression of uncut and unedited feelings. I say keep it
My favourite line: 'Ripples in the glassy still' - absolutely beautiful.


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## NicB.

Willow said:


> In response to the discussion above on the staccato style I would like to add that I experienced it exactly as NicB. said, reflecting and expressing a jarring and disjointed state of mind, adding to the dreamlike feel of the poem. I feel the pain and frustration of the poet/poem would not come across quite as well without it. It's ironic that the word 'staccato' actually appears in the poem
> 'Uncut, Unedited' would be the perfect name for this poem as, perhaps, it serves as a disclaimer concerning the level refinement but also as a disclaimer for the content, the poem is an expression of uncut and unedited feelings. I say keep it
> My favourite line: 'Ripples in the glassy still' - absolutely beautiful.



Appreciate the kind words and feedback...glad you enjoyed it!


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## Punnikin

Perhaps it's just my way of thinking, but although I did like the way it was written, the mixed punctuation and overpuntctuation seemed to be a bit distracting. Without punctuation it would almost seem to flow a bit more freely, allowing the structure to set the reader's pace. I think I understand the intent behind it, but it seemed like you were perhaps trying a bit too hard to set the pace. Besides that I think it was quite good in conveying desperation and deep pain.


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## dannyboy

NicB

sorry but I am over the one line poems that so many people use as structure, thinking a single word gains depth/insight/power because it stands alone on the page. It has been flogged to death. I am also curious as to why the need for full stops at the end of a line that is not the end of the sentence. The line break gives the poem the pause, adding the full stop just mucks up the grammar.

Mainly though it is the one word stuff - I mean a poet has certain powerful tools at their disposal, why toss them all away for one word lines in a search for power/ a voice?

if I edited this piece I'd probably delete almost all of the non itallic stuff and just work on those images, there is something there to form into a decent poem.


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## NicB.

I couldn't disagree more, but to each his own.  Remember, this is not standard poetry, this is prose, no metrical structure required.  The line structure and words chosen read exactly as intended. 

Thanks for look all the same.


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## dannyboy

Even prose needs to be doing something besides
putting 
a 
word
or two
in 
lines.


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## NicB.

Dannyboy, while I appreciate your position, using your logic, many of the works in the "modern art" genre would never be considered art. After all, it lacks classical structure...no scenes, no reality...just lines, blots, merely randomness on a canvas.  Yet modern art is in fact art.  Why?  Because art (or in this case prose) is a matter of perception, after all beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  How the viewer interprets the subject is of course his or her choice; however, don't think my prose needs to do anything

other than
what I
want it
to do.

Just because my prose does not follow your concept of standard poetry or written English does not diminish its ability to convey meaning or intrinsic value to the reader.  One man's trash is another man's treasure.


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