# Scores: December 2021



## Harper J. Cole (Dec 31, 2021)

Scores time! A good month, with a dozen entries. Here be the scores...


EntryVrangerrobertn51AjoyLawlessAVERAGENotesGaze by GunnarTu131013.511.2*11.925*Untitled by RGS17.51418.514.9*16.225*Untitled by MommaKat18.51516.514.4*16.1*DQThe Wailing Wall by TheChristianWitness17141915.3*16.325*Propriety by piperofyork19.51718.515.2*17.55**=3rd*Twilight at Culloden Wall by SueC19.51718.2518.5*18.3125**=1st*NIHIL by Matchu16151410.8*13.95*Untitled by Chicago Heart19.5171917.5*18.25**2nd*True Siren Narratorial: “By-and-By My Love Stands At A River” by bdcharles18.5161916.7*17.55**=3rd*Birth of a Prince by Rookish17.51718.514.8*16.95*Untitled by NajaNoir18.51619.7519.1*18.3375**=1st*It's always darkest before the dawn by Kegan Thompson17.51718.7515.1*17.0875*


A couple of disqualifications this month, unfortunately. One of these was for making an edit after the ten-minute grace period. If you want to make an edit after that time, then you can if it's a formatting fix, and you notify the contest runner beforehand. The other infringement involved going slightly over the word limit. Unfortunately, different word counters can show different counts, but Microsoft Word is the one that we use.

You can find the rules of the LM here... *LINK*

One of these DQs does affect the top of the leaderboard. While* NajaNoir* can't be credited with winning this contest, I'll be giving her a wildcard for the upcoming Grand Fiction Challenge.

UPDATE: After some discussion staff-side, there's a bit of ambiguity in the rules, so *NajaNoir *has been promoted to joint-winner.

So, these were our winners...

*1st: Twilight at Culloden Wall *_*by SueC*_
*1st: Untitled *_*by NajaNoir*_
*2nd: Untitled by Chicago Heart*
*=3rd: Propriety*_* by piperofyork*_
*=3rd: True Siren Narratorial: "By-and-By My Love Stands At A River"*_* by bdcharles*_

Many thanks to our judges, *vranger,* *robertn51*, *Ajoy* and *Lawless*, for their labours. Here are the comments...



Spoiler: vranger Scores



I was encouraged to see a few new members submit to the December contest! That’s exciting.  Plus, we had an excellent number of submissions to close out the year. Very nice. That makes it more work for the judges, but I’ll take that.  Even more pleasant, this is a great group of stories. I don’t think I’ve ever awarded such a high average of scores. I gave THREE 19.5's, and I can't wait to see what the other judges do and find out who wins this month!

BUT ... WHY so many untitled stories?! LOL

*"Gaze" - GunnarTu*
SPAG 3.0
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 2.5
Reaction 3.5
*Total 13*

There is some real potential in this writing, however it needs more development. It’s held back by run-on sentences and a bit too much repetition … for example “abyss”. There were some SPAG problems regarding capitalization, punctuation, and typos. These are all issues easily resolved with experience and more attention to editing. I found some of the imagery compelling, thus my feeling that with study and more development, this writing could turn into something very good.

*untitled - RGS*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.5*

The ding on SPAG is a semi-colon where an ellipse was the right choice, and I brought the Tone score down a notch for just a few too many “to be” verbs (copulas). That’s the only criticism. The story is sweet and moving. It hit the intended tone and the intended bittersweet ending. Well done.

*“The Wailing Wall” - The Christian Witness*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.0*

I loved the interleaving of the old man against the dramatic scene. Very creative. SPAG dinged for a misused semi-colon (TWO this month so far! LOL). To be honest, I’m not completely sure it’s technically misused, but I think other options, including just using a period, were better at the spot. Kudos for the em dash in a quote without a period. That’s a tricky bit of punctuation and you nailed it. 

The use of “nanoseconds” pulled me out of the story a bit in that moment, and the actions there was a bit forced. Overall, though, a nice, tight story, since it’s hard to get good action into a narrative this short … especially with adding the connected piece.

*“Propriety” - piperofyork*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

A judge tempted to give a perfect score MUST wonder if he missed something. I’m going to take the double colon around “a factory ledge” to task. ;-) Otherwise, I read this thinking what a wonderful riff on Arthur Conan-Doyle style, with a Poe-esque twist at the end. We can only suppose that Mr. Pillit somehow escaped to write this story. Or maybe a quill and paper were within reach, with this note found beside his emaciated remains.

Kudos. Seriously. Very talented writing. Now this concerns me, because I know there are some seriously talented folks I’ve yet to score!

*“Twilight at Culloden Wall” - SueC*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

Ha ha! I get to ding a third time for a semi-colon. LOL Again it’s not really “wrong”, but a period would have served better. I didn’t expect to find better than Piper’s wonderful contribution, and I didn’t … but I found its match. Wonderful phrases like “aura of silent veneration” and evocative images of children at play give this story life and dimensions. The little mystery added color, and I liked the ending. This story illustrates why Sue has the Senior Mentor tag on her account. 

*untitled - ChicagoHeart*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 5.0
*Total 19.5*

The ding on SPAG is a missing comma in dialogue, and a comma that should have been a period. How is it I’ve just given out three 19.5’s in a row? Is it because of the season? I’m just finding some wonderful stories which completely engaged me. The opening paragraph here demands you read the rest … though I’m more of a happy ending guy. ;-) I know the mood and feel intended here, and the writing perfectly evoked it. Dead on target.

ChicagoHeart has been a member for 10 years, but not posted all that much. Please share more of your wonderful writing on the site!

*True Siren Narratorial: “By-and By My Love Stands At A River” - bdcharles*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 5.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 18.5*

After just awarding three 19.5’s in a row, I feel a little mean leaving this a point short. The prose is beautiful. I loved “tenebrous synchronicity”. It’s a personal style thing here I believe, but I think pacing could have been improved with an extra comma here and there. Really, the only difference between the higher scores and this was the feeling, to me, of a little less activity here to bring the story home. This would have been my high score quite often.

*“Birth of a Prince” - Rookish*
SPAG 5.0
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.0
*Total 17.5*

Very well written with a compelling story. This is written in the affected formal high-fantasy style, and it portrays that style well. However, leaning on that style too hard makes the prose somewhat heavy by the end, tending to be somewhat overwritten. My advice is to pick your spots for the heavy phrases, and relax them a bit otherwise, or you risk wearing out your reader. ;-)

*untitled - NajaNoir*
SPAG 4.0
T&V 5.0
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 18.5*

What a delightful little fable. It seems I’ve read the trick with the name before, but it’s certainly not been overused.  The SPAG score is dinged from a few comma challenged spots, and a couple of places where the comma needed a period instead. I’m also going to ding for a 4th time(!) this contest for a semi-colon better served as a period. The punctuation dings didn’t detract from the story, but it’s an element of the score.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, as with so many this month. Thank you!

*untitled - MommaKat*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.5
Reaction 5.0
*Total 18.5*

These are really good stories this month, and yours is right in there with another one that caught my imagination and kept my interest. I had a slight ding for using colons instead of quotation marks. It’s interesting that we have two amnesia penalties as a result of crossing the wall.  Some phrasing near the beginning amused me ... in a good way. Several of these stories have made me consider they’d be great as part of a larger work, and this was certainly one of those. Very entertaining. 

*untitled - Matchu*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.0
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 3.5
*Total 16.0*

Matchu, I can only fault you on SPAG for not giving me one last semi-colon to nag about. You foiled me. The ding is for “an half-eyed”. This was a bittersweet piece, quite effective, and entirely true to your style.

I didn’t feel quite the connection to the prompt that I did from other entries, and that was the only thing that pulled down my scoring here. The mention of the wall felt more thrown in to service the prompt than a vital element of the story. The sense of a continuing forlorn reaction to tragedy built itself off the page. Well written, sir.

*“It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn” - Anonymous*
SPAG 4.5
T&V 4.5
Evaluation 4.0
Reaction 4.5
*Total 17.5*

Dings on SPAG were a couple of iffy spots that probably needed commas, and an inconsistent formatting of ellipses. The middle scores had to do with getting to the prompt. Most of the other entries included it as a more important element of the tale. The story itself was quite effective, and the theme as chilling as the cold rain. It rang true, except I don’t know if you can run a dryer cycle in the middle of the night and keep it a secret from anyone in the house. LOL Not ours, anyway. ;-) I have a guess who the author of the story is, and I’ll be interested to see if I got it right. This was yet another top-quality piece of writing in a month full of them.





Spoiler: robertn51 Scores



-----------------------------

December 2021 Literary Maneuvers Scores
@robertn51

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"Gaze"
GunnarTu
Total: 10

Review:

Definite mood, here. Consistently rendered. However, and this is a matter of tone, I kept thinking of Bela Lugosi's Dracula's over-wrought and melodramatic pointing to the props comprising the setting, replete with disorienting black-and-white Dutch-angle aspects. Probably coming from the bold post-impressionistic gesturing caused by the visual strokes of the mostly incomplete sentences. This reader felt the text made them work too hard to assemble a narrative arc. Also, this reader felt the prompt was too diffused within the text's fabric. And, finally, this reader felt the text invoked the reader's reaction more as reflex than as something earned by the elements of the tale.

SP&G: 2
T&V: 3
Eval: 2
React: 3

[scoring details available upon request]


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Untitled (“If there had...”)
RGS
Total: 14

Review:

This reader felt the brocade of language -- the choice of words, the many cliché, the dramatic turns of phrase -- all knotted together to stifle the piece. Add to that stiff execution the dramatic leap from her "we've grown apart" to his rationalization, paraphrased, "she wanted to spare me," made for a unpleasant and "pat" ending, that, while sweet, felt a bit forced and romantic -- in the word's second meaning: "...suggestive of an idealized view of reality." However, it is to the author's credit this reader was able to engage and then have their expectations, and that's indicative of proper writing. Props for the singular use of "twilight" component of the prompt to signal the moment of the relationship. That works nicely, even while imbedded within obstructive language.

SP&G: 4
T&V: 3
Eval: 3
React: 4

[scoring details available upon request]


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Untitled (“I almost missed...”)
MommaKat
Total: 15

Review:

This piece was mostly a pleasure to read. The construction, the language, and the crisp ending all appealed. There were several places, though, where it felt to lack internal consistency. But, I have to admit, upon first reading, the story's arc did not suffer from that. It was only during the second close reading where questions within the details arose. (e.g. They didn't actually trespass, so why punish?)

SP&G: 4.5
T&V: 4
Eval: 2.5
React: 4

[scoring details available upon request]


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"The Wailing Wall"
TheChristianWitness
Total: 14

Review:

I very much liked the smash cut device between the prayer and the interrogation. The setting was interesting, attention-getting. However, although it's frustrating and contradictory to admit, I wanted, in the midst of all the story's interesting freshness and design, for the story's words to get out of way of the story's story. Sinkers: Tone & Voice, with passive language and clichés; and Evaluation, with rhythmic adverbs and grating word choices weakening the reader's rendering.

SP&G: 4.5
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 2
React: 4

[scoring details available upon request]


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"Propriety"
piperofyork
Total: 17

Review:

Oh! What the Dickens?! This wondrous language! This brobdingnagian, bang-up-to-the-elephant argle-bargle! Hard to believe we once took such ornate prose as a sign of the author's bona fides. Despite, and because of, all that I expect it is awfully near impeccable, by the rules of challenge. I still came off the end of it looking for two things, a YouTube clip from the Eastenders for some proper palette-clearing street speech and then off to the bookcase, for my Poe, for the Amontillado, wanting to offer myself and the upright and doomed Mr. Pillit at least some chemical solace. Perhaps it is within the darkening office's sideboard? Within manacled reach? Here: that is a mere side-desk; might it simply be dragged? On one hand, this was great fun. On the other, unclean one, I cannot remove the lacy toxic language from my fingers. "Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!"

SP&G: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 3
React: 4

[scoring details available upon request]


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"Twilight at Culloden Wall"
SueC
Total: 17

Review:

A sweet tale of the past reaching forward, directly through the precise placement of the prompt. There was a technical problem tried to spoil things, but, whatever, later; no time here for that: We've a boisterous brood bouncing among the stones of a venerated battlefield cemetery and "Let’s dig it up and see!" would surely be the last thing we need to hear.

SP&G: 4.5
T&V: 4
Eval: 3.5
React: 5

[scoring details available upon request]


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"NIHIL"
Matchu
Total: 15

Review:

Oh! It's Christmastime and there's neither Godot nor goose, not even to-morrow; nothing to be done: they're not coming. But perhaps they do and then they, in threes, slyly haunt -- the words but a whisper; our deafness a shout -- the puzzled judges from the wings, snickering to see what compulsory meaning might mortar itself up into. Maybe even face-plant against an eye-popping and tangible touchable twilight wall? Some gelignite will stop that subversion. And pass the bitter hydrocyanic acid, too, for good measure. It's perfection without wan and furtive fiddling; family and history can be painfully ungrateful this time of year, coloring everything. We began kindly and in good faith and now cycle in age alone together in our self-supporting and self-perpetuating loop, wrangling this sincere Sudoku deliberately laid with at least one impossibility. Happy New Year!

SP&G: 4
T&V: 5
Eval: 3
React: 3

[scoring details available upon request]


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Untitled ("She only appears...")
ChicagoHeart
Total: 17

Review:

An incidental haunting. And yet the sorrowful shade is approached time and again for a recurring loss of explanation. And maybe a caring heart preventing recognition between maybe a long-lost familial dead and the living? Disquieting. Nicely done.

SP&G: 4
T&V: 5
Eval: 3
React: 5

[scoring details available upon request]


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"True Siren Narratorial"
bdcharles
Total: 16

Review:

Yon haughty siren beckons. Swaddled in the gilt brocade of unreserved language, we follow, certain to be the unique, the one to split and ignite her, we follow across, across, pursuing this tenebrous synchronicity.

SP&G: 4
T&V: 4
Eval: 4
React: 4

[scoring details available upon request]


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“Birth of a Prince”
Rookish
Total: 17

Review:

Whoa. Just blew me away, 'Bwhahoooowoohooo!' A collision of conflicts. An explosion of emotion. While not, technically, a story, this is an awesome lead-in and characterization for things to come. Glittering knifed-edged movements. Deathly deep betrayal. And we are launched into a dire adventure. But maybe without all of the facts? Never mind those, this is one of those Patton-esque moments, and getting out of the way seems impossible. Fresh. Excellent.

SP&G: 5
T&V: 4
Eval: 3
React: 5

[scoring details available upon request]


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Untitled ("In the village...")
NajaNoir
Total: 16

Review:

None of some alleged "punctuation issues" nor some alleged "word choice issues" nor some alleged "narrative mechanics issues" nor questions could quench the fact this was an enjoyable, fresh piece. Unexpected and pleasant. Novel use of the prompt. And the springboard of that perfectly-wrought and perfectly-placed last sentence still brings a honest smile. Because the odd irony (of this redacted spoiler) still fizzes and sparkles within me.

SP&G: 4
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 3.5
React: 5

[scoring details available upon request]


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"It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn"
Anon
Total: 17

Review:

This smashed my heart. And gave me hope. A wish that all the Pipers in the world had, have, and will have, such a friend willing to accommodate the complex and necessarily selfish difficulties of being a broken person in dire need. Hard to say this was enjoyable, because it renders real a very difficult space. But that very fact, that it hurt, says the piece is successful. Both despite and because of the heartache it brings. Execution would respond to some polish in SPaG and word choices. Small simple things. Only once -- and that one might be a typo -- affecting overall reception. Some might quibble about a lack of conflict/resolution, but simply rendering a moment one was generously there for a wounded friend in quite harrowing need, ranks most highly in my book. I wanted all of the various facet scores higher but responsibility prevailed, not letting one category leak and lift all the others. If the maneuvers were about only the act of story and its reach, the overall score would be so much closer to a solemn and admittedly tearful 20; we each, standing powerless a quiet moment at a window and looking out at the twilight obstructing our sunrise.

SP&G: 3
T&V: 5
Eval: 4
React: 5

[scoring details available upon request]





Spoiler: Ajoy Scores



*Anon/It's always darkest before the dawn
SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18.75
Review: *This was a really interesting view into a part of these characters’ lives. The characters felt so real and their feelings really permeated the piece. Even though there is clearly so much more story here, this felt complete in sharing this series of simple but meaningful moments. I do wish I could know just a bit more about their story within this piece. There was just one phrase, ‘steam admitted’ that threw me. Otherwise, it read smoothly and easily.


*NajaNoir/Untitled
SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 5
Eval: 5
Reac: 5
Overall: 19.75
Review:* I love how you incorporated the prompt so deeply into the arch of the story. I love the wall and the world that lives within it and the idea that it tests everyone. The characters felt real and interesting. Clara’s time in the world of the wall felt impressively vivid for such a short piece. There were just a few small SPaG issues, but it otherwise read very clearly. I also really enjoyed the pacing and the mood that was created throughout the series of scenes. You told a very complete feeling story in such a limited word count and it was an enchanting read.


*Rookish/Birth of a Prince
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 4
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18.5
Review:* This was a very entertaining and interesting piece throughout. I was a little confused by the end, where his mother jumped from a ledge and then the guards were coming for him—I don’t think I fully understand what exactly happened there and what led to it. Why do the mother and son believe different things and who is right, if either? Knowing at least the idea of these things would make it feel more like this story had come to a conclusion. As is, it feels like there is more to come that I want to know about.


*bdCharles/True Siren Narratorial: “By-and-By My Love Stands At A River”
SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.75
Overall: 19
Review:* I loved the dark and compulsive tone of this voice character desiring and walking right into the waters because this woman/Siren getting into his head. The pacing was very effective and it was really easy to get into the voice character’s head. There were a couple of places where certain words used threw me off. It’s probably just a me issue, but ‘thither’ and ‘synchronicity’ and ‘Gioconde’ confused me in their contexts. There were a couple of phrases that threw me, requiring me to reread, but most of the piece was clear and effective. I love that this story feels like some sort of Siren warning.


*ChicagoHeart/Untitled
SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.75
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 19
Review: *This piece was intriguing from beginning to end and had a sort of sad beauty to it. I love the final paragraph. I wish the two paragraphs before that had given just a bit more clarity. Did the voice character actually fail to stop a girl from jumping and is now haunted by that memory? Or is she just a manifestation of some feeling the voice character has? I guess the, “Everything will be ok,” line had me a bit confused. The voice character and the girl were both very effectively conveyed.


*Matchu/NIHIL (swearing)
SPaG: 4
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 3
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 14
Review: *There are some interesting and delightful lines to be found throughout this piece. Generally, you’ve used your SPaG in a consistent and understandable way with just a few errors. The largest issue for me is that there seem to be large amounts of context missing, things that would connect these potentially interesting bits of dialogue and narrative. As it is, I struggle to get a sense of when or where this is happening and that shifts throughout the piece. It’s also really a struggle for me to understand who exactly is in this piece. There is the voice character and then one or more woman and one or more children/babies and at times they are getting along while hating each other at others. That would be fine, but I needed more information to connect these pieces.


*SueC/ Twilight at Culloden Wall -A Tale to be Told
SPaG: 4.75
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18.25
Review: *I loved the relationship between the mischievous children and their parents as they navigated being respectful in such a setting. I also loved the way this story ended with the passing down of an oral history, giving even a child’s playful action end with great meaning. There were just a couple of places with punctuation or phrasing that distracted me slightly. It was otherwise very smooth reading. I know you were spot on the word count, but I do wish for a tiny bit more of the children. The sisters were referred to as ‘the girls’ a couple of times, which I know is intended as familiarity, but since I don’t really see much from them. I think it’s probably something that would come if it were able to be longer. Overall, a very delightful read.


*PiperofYork/Propriety
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4
Overall: 18.5
Review: *This story was engaging throughout because of that opening line. It left me curious about what this character’s predicament was and I loved the twist at the end, making his circumstances even more bleak. I felt the story arch and character development in this tiny scene were extremely effective. I really enjoyed both characters and I was satisfied with the story, even though I would also have enjoyed more. Some of the more complex sentences with period or just higher-level vocabulary caused me to have to work quite a bit to understand the full nuance of each sentence. I had to reread several lines a few times to get them. That is my issue, of course, but it impacted the reading experience for me.



*The ChristianWitness/The Wailing Wall
SPaG: 5
T&V: 5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 19
Review: *This story was engaging from beginning to end. I loved how you used dual timelines to pace the piece and set the tone. And I loved how it closed. My only issue is that between the two timelines I had some confusion. I thought the old man was thinking about his grandson, but in the end, he is referencing his son. I feel like I need a few more hints throughout to connect the dots a bit more (at least for me personally). I also wish I knew how the old man knows the details of the event Ezra acted out. Despite these couple points of confusion, it felt like there was a clear arc and the dialogue felt spot on.



*MommaKat/Untitled
SPaG: 4
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 3.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 16.5
Review: *The story and world in this story were immediately interesting and there are so many things I was left wanting to know more about. Though this story does give closure in one sense, I’m left wondering about enough things that it feels more like a beginning than a complete story. Who/what is this main character? Who is this other girl humming an old tune she shouldn’t know? Why has this main character been in the mortal world? Why is she trying to get back? _Is_ she trying to get back? I want to know more….read more, so I don’t quite get enough closure as a short story. There were only a few small SPaG issues, but I will say, I struggled with the use of colons for dialogue. If it’s common and I’m unaware of the rule, apologies, but it took me a few section rereads to figure out what was going on. I think if there had been line breaks in the paragraphs, that might have helped me understand them better though. Overall, I really loved this story and if it were the opening to a book, I’d definitely keep reading.


*GunnarTu/Gaze
SPaG: 3.0
T&V: 3.5
Eval: 3.5
Reac: 3.5
Overall: 13.5
Review: *This piece had a great start at what could be a very effectively set mood, but it was a bit hard for me to track. I feel like if some of the sentences were broken down and a little more contextual information is given, it would help both with clarity and really hitting that tone and voice. For example, the second sentence has three subjects (screams, abyss, boy) and they all feel a bit tangled together, which for me, caused a need to reread the sentence to understand it.

It would have also been helpful to have the piece broken into paragraphs…it looks like maybe you had done that with standard intends, but the formatting was lost when it was pasted into the forum? I think, with a bit more clarity, the pacing and your desired tone would really shine through in the right places. I did feel the return to calm at the end, which was quite a nice way to close. I’m not sure if I picked up on this correctly—my assumption was that they boy was having a nightmare and then the reader learns he’s safely tucked in with his parents? I thought this was a really interesting interpretation of the prompt.




*RGS/Untitled
SPaG: 5
T&V: 4.5
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 4.5
Overall: 18.5
Review: *I enjoyed both the vivid scene setting and emotional responses that came through in this piece. I would have loved to see a little more balance between the heartbreaking and confusing events surrounding the end of Wesley’s relationship with a few more hints that build up the feeling of the deep love that it took for Victoria to hide her illness from him. Perhaps something like a recollection of some action or event that, in hindsight, was obviously an act of love, intended to spare him additional pain. Otherwise, I thought the arc was lovely. There were a few words throughout that sort of moved away from the overall tone. For example, when Wesley ‘begrudgingly’ accepted her dumping him…I wonder if there is a different word that would get across that idea of heartbreak and defeat more. Overall, I loved the shift from the negative relationship with the wall to the revelation of the truth and his changing perspective. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once.





Spoiler: Lawless Scores



Scores and comments for be found here: *LINK*



Thanks for taking part, and check out our January 2022 contest, Speaking to the Wind


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## piperofyork (Dec 31, 2021)

Congratulations to another victory, Sue! Two out of the last three months is very impressive! 

Happy New Year, everyone!


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## VRanger (Dec 31, 2021)

Congratulations to SueC and the other placing writers this month. I noted in my intro that we had a REALLY strong field this month. I awarded 3 18.5's and 3 19.5s, and the 2 17.5's could have been winning stories in many contests.

Heartbreak @NajaNoir! A beautiful story, and I told you very soon after you joined the site I think you're a talented writer. You proved that to everyone this month!


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## VRanger (Dec 31, 2021)

I'll also mention that this win moves SueC into a tie for third place all time in LM wins! LM Royalty, Sue!


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## piperofyork (Dec 31, 2021)

Many thanks to the judges for all of their work, by the way. Even having judged only once, I found it a difficult task indeed. Thank you all!


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## PiP (Dec 31, 2021)

The LM is a tough challenge. Congrats to the winners and another vote of thanks to the judges who make it possible.


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## KeganThompson (Dec 31, 2021)

Thank you, judges, and congrats to everyone who entered!

@VRanger


Harper J. Cole said:


> Dings on SPAG were a couple of iffy spots that probably needed commas, and an inconsistent formatting of ellipses. The middle scores had to do with getting to the prompt. Most of the other entries included it as a more important element of the tale. The story itself was quite effective, and the theme as chilling as the cold rain. It rang true, except I don’t know if you can run a dryer cycle in the middle of the night and keep it a secret from anyone in the house. LOL Not ours, anyway. ;-) I have a guess who the author of the story is, and I’ll be interested to see if I got it right. This was yet another top-quality piece of writing in a month full of them.


Thank you, happy you liked it overall  My SPaG needs a lot of work. Maybe this entry was extra bad cuz i had covid    SPaG tends to drag me down the most I noticed. I really need to do something about that...
and I have a feeling you guessed right 
how old is your dryer? modern ones are usually pretty quiet arent they? lol 

@robertn51 


Harper J. Cole said:


> This smashed my heart. And gave me hope. A wish that all the Pipers in the world had, have, and will have, such a friend willing to accommodate the complex and necessarily selfish difficulties of being a broken person in dire need. Hard to say this was enjoyable, because it renders real a very difficult space. But that very fact, that it hurt, says the piece is successful. Both despite and because of the heartache it brings. Execution would respond to some polish in SPaG and word choices. Small simple things. Only once -- and that one might be a typo -- affecting overall reception. Some might quibble about a lack of conflict/resolution, but simply rendering a moment one was generously there for a wounded friend in quite harrowing need, ranks most highly in my book. I wanted all of the various facet scores higher but responsibility prevailed, not letting one category leak and lift all the others. If the maneuvers were about only the act of story and its reach, the overall score would be so much closer to a solemn and admittedly tearful 20; we each, standing powerless a quiet moment at a window and looking out at the twilight obstructing our sunrise.


Thanks, Robert I'm glad you enjoyed it! I will focus on my SpaG and formatting since that seems to be a big downfall for me (which I knew but I need to put more focus on correcting it and learning) I really appreciate all your positive comments 

@Ajoy 


Harper J. Cole said:


> This was a really interesting view into a part of these characters’ lives. The characters felt so real and their feelings really permeated the piece. Even though there is clearly so much more story here, this felt complete in sharing this series of simple but meaningful moments. I do wish I could know just a bit more about their story within this piece. There was just one phrase, ‘steam admitted’ that threw me. Otherwise, it read smoothly and easily.


Thank you! and thank you for pointing out the _admitted_  honestly my grammar is not at the standard it should be and I didn't even realize i used the incorrect word. lol (Should be _emit_ )
I wanted to write so much more but that word count...I hope to polish it up and add more to it now that I have some feedback!

@Lawless 


Harper J. Cole said:


> There's a number of grammatical errors such as "steam _admitted_ from my face" or the word "I" written with a lowercase "L" instead of a capital "i".


Thank you for pointing out those small details so I know to correct them! 


Harper J. Cole said:


> The story is well written and everything is logical. The descriptions are excellent. Now, it's easy to say that, considering the length limit, the author should have given us more history between the two main characters instead of dwelling on individual items of clothing in such detail. However, when I gave it some thought, I realized it was actually okay. I found myself nicely immersed in the goings-on and not knowing more about the two didn't bother me at all. The author has a real talent on describing things.


Thank you, I appreciate the kind words and glad you liked it


Harper J. Cole said:


> Unfortunately, I had to lower the Evaluation score because the prompt is not really there. Sure enough, the story contains the words "the wall in twilight", but it's clearly a mere formality. If we were to delete them (along with the comma and the space before them), nothing would be different. The story has nothing to do with a wall in twilight.


When I was thinking and writing the story, my mind didn't think about a literal wall in twilight, I wanted to use symbolism: the house blocking the sunrise (the wall in twilight) represents her home life getting in the way of her happiness/freedom. I see your point, though I hope my explanation helps "make it make sense" lool
....
ya know, if anyone would like to help me with SPaG, it would be much appreciated.  I really want to get it together and clean that up. I blame public school and texting

A big congrats to @SueC @ChicagoHeart @piperofyork @bdcharles and @NajaNoir 
thanks again to all the judges. it was a big month for entries!


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## VRanger (Dec 31, 2021)

KeganThompson said:


> how old is your dryer? modern ones are usually pretty quiet arent they? lol


We use six wool dryer balls, so they thump around a lot. 

Until October, we DID have a dryer that was probably 25 or more years old. It overheated the last week of September and caught some of the clothes inside on fire! As soon as I opened the dryer door smoke filled the house. Luckily my best friend happened to have two industrial strength air purifies in his garage and brought them over. I found a used 10-year-old dryer on FB for $100, which I considered preferable to dropping 7 or 8 hundred on a new one!

Betty's not sure the "new" one dries quite as quickly as our old one, but considering what happened with that one, I'm perfectly happy if this one "underheats" and we have to add a few minutes to the cycle. LOL

I hate to hear that you had COVID. I hope it didn't give you too much trouble!


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## KeganThompson (Dec 31, 2021)

VRanger said:


> We use six wool dryer balls, so they thump around a lot.
> 
> Until October, we DID have a dryer that was probably 25 or more years old. It overheated the last week of September and caught some of the clothes inside on fire! As soon as I opened the dryer door smoke filled the house. Luckily my best friend happened to have two industrial strength air purifies in his garage and brought them over. I found a used 10-year-old dryer on FB for $100, which I considered preferable to dropping 7 or 8 hundred on a new one!


Oh no! Hopefully the clothes that caught fire weren't any of ur favorites!
I use my mom's when I visit her cuz I live at an apartment and I need quarters to get anything to start in the laundry room plus they suck lol.


VRanger said:


> Betty's not sure the "new" one dries quite as quickly as our old one, but considering what happened with that one, I'm perfectly happy if this one "underheats" and we have to add a few minutes to the cycle. LOL
> 
> I hate to hear that you had COVID. I hope it didn't give you too much trouble!


It made me really tired and unmotivated. I worked from home...and finished the story during work hours 
But at first I thought it was just a cold so it wasn't too bad. The worst part was how much it drained me...that and the fact I can't smell or taste all the way yet after a month


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## NajaNoir (Dec 31, 2021)

I want to say thanks to all of the judges for giving your time during the holidays. There was a lot this month, so I know you all had your work cut out for you. I much appreciated the in depth feedback from all of you. Thank you! @VRanger @robertn51 @Ajoy @Lawless

I read all of the stories and I enjoyed each and every one. It was a humbling experience to put myself next to such wonderful writers. Congratulations to @SueC  and the rest of the finalists.





VRanger said:


> Heartbreak @NajaNoir! A beautiful story, and I told you very soon after you joined the site I think you're a talented writer. You proved that to everyone this month!



Thank you for the kind words. The heartbreak is real, but I was informed early on of my mistake. I've had a bit of time to come to terms with it. Let this serve as a lesson to everyone, that Docs and Word are not the same things. 

Honestly, the feedback  from all the judges was more important than anything else. There is a lot more story there to tell, now I have the push to make it happen. I had a feeling someone would mention the name thing in relation to one of my other stories, my other idea for this story was too detailed and wordy, I guess I took the easy way out.


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## SueC (Dec 31, 2021)

I was in Minnesota after Christmas for a couple of days visiting my youngest, and found my way back to WF tonight, after getting  home. The chill of -8 degrees has finally left and I feel warmed all the way to my heart with the results of all of our efforts for the December LM comp. Thank you all so much for your ability to see right through me - the story said exactly what I wanted it to say and I'm so grateful for the wonderful group you are. Everyone did such an awesome job on stories this month - a glorious way to end this year, once again hopeful for the new 2022. I wish every one of you the very best New Year possible. Thank you to the judges - I know how hard you work!


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## SueC (Dec 31, 2021)

KeganThompson said:


> Oh no! Hopefully the clothes that caught fire weren't any of ur favorites!
> I use my mom's when I visit her cuz I live at an apartment and I need quarters to get anything to start in the laundry room plus they suck lol.
> 
> It made me really tired and unmotivated. I worked from home...and finished the story during work hours
> But at first I thought it was just a cold so it wasn't too bad. The worst part was how much it drained me...that and the fact I can't smell or taste all the way yet after a month


I'm sending a virtual hug, hoping you are better soon. Sue


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## KeganThompson (Dec 31, 2021)

SueC said:


> I'm sending a virtual hug, hoping you are better soon. Sue


 Yes, I am much better now. My taste and smell are just struggling. Lol Thanks!


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## TheChristianWitness (Jan 1, 2022)

Thanks, VRanger, robertn51, Ajoy, and Lawless! I appreciate all your hard work and input. Besides my ending being largely misunderstood (), the comments you had for me were wonderfully insightful and extensively helpful. Such a joy to read! If any of you would like to lend me a few minutes, please PM me. I would love to get more feedback about that ending.

Happy New Year!


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## Rookish (Jan 1, 2022)

A platter of interesting stories, well done all and gratitude to the judges for their time and toil >.<


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## Lawless (Jan 1, 2022)

Due to a misunderstanding, the formatting of my scores got lost along the way. I'm sorry. Here is my feedback comfortably readable.




Spoiler: Gaze



SPaG: 1.7
T&V: 2.0
Eval: 4.6
Reac: 2.9
Overall: 11.2


What makes this story difficult to read is the erratic use of tenses. I even admire the author's strive to convey the mood of the moment by using the continuous. Still, I would advise him to gather some more experience with less avant-garde methods. For example, write a few stories that are consistently in the past tense from beginning to end.

The plot is actually creative and nice. On the simple side, yes, but I like a story where things turn out fine. We should have more of them. That said, this one could have greatly benefitted from more depth. It would have been possible because the author used up only 326 words of the permitted maximum of 650.

As we can see, this author already has good ideas. I hope that one of these days he will please us with a story that is also technically well executed.





Spoiler: untitled (If there had...)



SPaG: 4.5
T&V: 3.8
Eval: 4.5
Reac: 2.1
Overall: 14.9


I quickly found myself immersed in the story with its unexpected twists. By the end, though, I felt slightly disappointed by being able to clearly see how the author had skilfully built his story around an algorithm that consisted of surprises of which he seemingly tried to fit as many as possible into the prescribed length limit. The second reason why I ended up less impressed than with the other stories was the usualness of the themes: a man's hopeless love, not understanding why her lover left her suddenly, then a fatal disease... It's all very common in works of literature.

That said, the woman hiding her deteriorating health from her lover in order to spare him the sadness (and possibly making him sadder still by the end) was very credible. The story was easy to follow and made sense. Adding small details such as the _cobblestone_ street was delightful.

I was, however, confused by The day finally arrived when he could take it no longer; he went to the wall at about the same time of day when Victoria had departed forever. because I had no idea the protagonist already knew at that point that Victoria was dead. Only later was I told that He would never forget the day he received the telegra[m] informing him of her death.

Also, I was left curious to know if having grown apart was only an excuse so Victoria wouldn't have to tell Wesley about her disease or did they really grow apart in addition to (or possibly because of?) her disease.





Spoiler: untitled (I almost missed...)



SPaG: 4.6
T&V: 3.0
Eval: 4.2
Reac: 2.6
Overall: 14.4


Everything is kind of clear and makes sense, yet somehow the tone is not too inviting. I can't really put my finger on it, but I feel that if it were a longer piece, I would largely skip over the descriptions.

I have to point out that the word "ass" (meaning the body part) sounds completely out of place in this fantasy setting.

I was mildly put off by the ethereal beings first dragging the two in and then illogically accusing the protagonist for her having entered. As if it had been her or his choice.

At I stepped closer to her, I was convinced that the girl was still holding on to him.

The protagonist couldn't have seen that She ran towards me, concern on her face., because he was unconcious at the time as we had been told in the previous sentence. That's one of the unfortunate limitations of the first-person POV.

Nevertheless, I feel this could be made into a very nice story when overhauled and somewhat prolonged.





Spoiler: The Wailing Wall



SPaG: 4.7
T&V: 3.6
Eval: 4.0
Reac: 3.0
Overall: 15.3


The mood at the Wailing Wall is transmitted with absolute perfection. One can't help feeling compassion with the old man's anguish. And it's fascinating and touching how he senses telepathically what is happening to Ezra.

I admire it how the author has fitted several scenes into this rather restrictive length limit. The alternation of the viewpoint between the praying man and the agent in trouble is fabulous. I particularly liked the part with “Maybe I don’t care.”. Towards the end, however, the dialogue becomes a little too formal and awkward, and there was really no need to dwell on the patch identifying the intruders as police officers which will be obvious from the subsequent exchange anyway.

It is also unfortunate that Ezra turns from the old man's grandson into his son at the end.

Still, it's a good story, inventive and heartwarming.





Spoiler: Propriety



SPaG: 5.0
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 3.0
Reac: 2.2
Overall: 15.2


I have never been a fan of the 19th century writing style and I would have never thought a 21st-century writer would actually imitate it. That said, this writer's stunning virtuosity is as undeniable as Wilkie Collins's and it was a supreme delight to read expressions like he had even made provision for his concealment behind a [---] or He was sitting in a condition of vast satisfaction.

The spirit of the age has been captured very credibly. The uncommon names add nicely to it. The part where the protagonist did not shy away from the confrontation because his situation was hopeless anyway was psychologically brilliant.

Unfortunately, the ending of this story is unclear. What happens after the words Good night, Mr. Pillit.? Is Mr. Ambursar just walking out, leaving Mr. Pillit with his hand in the trap to die of thirst in due time (or possibly be shot dead first)? Or is he going to send him some food and drink, maybe even let a servant bring him a pot and assist him with his trousers and such? Or did he perhaps unshackle Mr. Pillit and let him walk free for the time being, trusting him to not leave town to avoid getting murdered? I have no idea and I can't help being disappointed by not having been told.





Spoiler: Twilight at Culloden Wall



SPaG: 4.6
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 4.7
Reac: 4.2
Overall: 18.5


One can see that the author is an experienced writer and this kind of text comes to her easily. The first-person narrator's voice flows effortlessly and naturally. The mood of a boy having to wait boredly with his sisters for their parents to get done with their grown-up affairs comes across just perfectly. In particular, that mock swordfighting scene is superb. There was only one long and complicated sentence towards the end I had to read twice.

I have to point out, though, that although McClean exists as a surname, the official English spelling of _Clann MhicIllEathain_ is Clan MacLean. And the Scottish clans mentioned in the story aren't exactly long gone.





Spoiler: 650 words NIHIL



SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 4.0
Eval: 1.0
Reac: 1.0
Overall: 10.8


As much as I may dislike such chaotic and angry tone, there's no denying that the voice comes across very credibly, enabling me a peek into the mind of the kind of a person whom I would unlikely ever meet in the real world.

However, the story is badly lacking in inner consistency. People keep saying and doing things that make no sense to me and are never explained. Just one example: ‘Well, now you know. And I have won. I have won everything.’ Know what? Won what?

The sentence I telephoned you then... is puzzling. Whom in heaven's name could the narrator address as "you"??

Last but not least, I am utterly confused as to who is their natural child, who was found, who drowned, who was found before completely drowning etc.

Also, there is only trace evidence of the prompt. All that causes the low Evaluation score.

I am obviously worlds apart from this story's target audience. One thing I can't stand to read about is horrible diseases and injuries. The casual and cynical mention of one such in this story makes it impossible for me to give it a Reaction rating any higher than the minimum. In fact, I wish I could erase that part of the story from my memory.





Spoiler: untitled (She only appears...)



SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 4.2
Eval: 4.6
Reac: 3.9
Overall: 17.5


The protagonist's voice is natural and the story is easy to read and very relatable. It sounds in fact very much like something I would write. There is just one tiny snag: I find it hard to believe that a 14-year-old boy whose life is easy could concevive a possibility that someone's life can be hard enough to justify suicide. Like the large majority of people, he would hold it for self-evident that, unless maybe in a concentration camp or something, a human being who contemplates suicide has to be insane.

Then again, how can I know?

In afterthought, maybe the story moved a little too much along a straight line. The most important thing, though, is that it was a really nice and touching story and very near the best one in this really tough competition.





Spoiler: True Siren Narratorial



SPaG: 4.4
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 5.0
Reac: 2.3
Overall: 16.7


The full title True Siren Narratorial: “By-and-By My Love Stands At A River” seems to suggest that it may be time to introduce a length limit for the story titles as well.

Tragic as the story may be, it's superbly written. The author's use of language is amazing:
the sort that promises a white garden bench to sit and sniff the roses awhile, were it day
Clay renderings of creatures, each one painted shades of primary life, though such colours slept.
And if I were to pause and think, my purest of friends, well could I wonder what I expect for myself in this situation.
I'm speechless.

Content-wise, however, I was not over the moon. I've always disliked tragedy. Not that I wouldn't believe it. Not that I wouldn't probably die happy, were I in the shoes of the protagonist. But compared to some other stories in this contest, this one, regrettably, can't score high in "Reaction".





Spoiler: Birth of a Prince



SPaG: 4.8
T&V: 4.3
Eval: 3.2
Reac: 2.5
Overall: 14.8


The setting is really ingenious and has potential for a lot more, right up to a series of novels. The discussion of pro and contra arguments comes across credibly and makes sense. The story is pleasant to read and interesting.

Unfortunately, there are a few things that leave me a little confused:

1. Ksen and Kloma are son and mother. Mothers and sons spend much time together and discuss a great variety of topics, including deeply personal ones. The question whether or not Ahra was a good or bad god and whether or not the Twilight Priests need to be fought was very important to Ksen. Therefore, I can't understand how she and her mother hadn't discussed it back and forth many times over all those years. (Unless, as I realized just before completing this review, the regime change occurred only very recently. Did it?)

2. Kloma apparently attracted the attention of the authorities. How did the guards immediately know that Ksen planned on attacking their stronghold?

3. How come Kloma did what she did? It is very rare that a mother would betray her child. The author ought to provide a much stronger motivation than a mere ideological disagreement.

And finally, whereas the prompt has been realized very nicely, it is unfortunate that the title doesn't correspond to the contents. The story is not about the birth of a prince. We are clearly told he was already able to speak. Unusually fast as he may have developed, it's still clear that he was born well before the story began. I consider this a serious flaw. A book on World War 2 can't be titled "Stalin's Purges".





Spoiler: untitled (In the village...)



SPaG: 4.1
T&V: 5.0
Eval: 5.0
Reac: 5.0
Overall: 19.1


There are several punctuation errors and one logical one: At first slow, then horribly swift, her long black hair flew wildly about. (Her hair was not slow and then swift, the wind was.) 

The tone is simple and nice, conveying the fantasy atmosphere with utter perfection. One has the feeling as if a light fog was hanging in the air all the time, like on a meadow in Ireland where fairies dance. (Or was it elves?) It's superbly brilliant in its heartwarming simplicity. I choose this over the world's most skilful wordsmith any day.

By avoiding the fancy and elaborate, the author has succeeded in packing quite a lot of story into this short length, with plot twists and all. What I liked best was that everything was joyful. I admire the ability to create suspense without anything gruesome. One wishes to read on to find out what will happen, yet even the prophecied disaster turns out very much amendable.

I greatly regret that the scores, with the rules prescribing that Reaction makes up only 25% of the total, don't reflect adequately just how much this story is better than all the others in this competition. While several other stories are really good, they are just really good stories and nothing more. This is the only one that SHINES.

And need I tell you that this story is to blame for the others' low Reaction scores, because they pale in comparison?





Spoiler: It's always darkest before the dawn



SPaG: 3.6
T&V: 4.4
Eval: 3.7
Reac: 3.4
Overall: 15.1


There's a number of grammatical errors such as "steam _admitted_ from my face" or the word "I" written with a lowercase "L" instead of a capital "i".

The story is well written and everything is logical. The descriptions are excellent. Now, it's easy to say that, considering the length limit, the author should have given us more history between the two main characters instead of dwelling on individual items of clothing in such detail. However, when I gave it some thought, I realized it was actually okay. I found myself nicely immersed in the goings-on and not knowing more about the two didn't bother me at all. The author has a real talent on describing  things.

Unfortunately, I had to lower the Evaluation score because the prompt is not really there. Sure enough, the story contains the words "the wall in twilight", but it's clearly a mere formality. If we were to delete them (along with the comma and the space before them), nothing would be different. The story has nothing to do with a wall in twilight.


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## KeganThompson (Jan 1, 2022)

Question. Am i the only one who noticed that the title of this thread/forum is November scores and not December? Lool


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## Lawless (Jan 1, 2022)

KeganThompson said:


> Am i the only one who noticed


Seems so. The first at any rate.

I guess it's understandable, with the new year's celebration and all.


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## VRanger (Jan 1, 2022)

KeganThompson said:


> Question. Am i the only one who noticed that the title of this thread/forum is November scores and not December? Lool


What .... whatever do you mean?


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## Rookish (Jan 1, 2022)

KeganThompson said:


> Question. Am i the only one who noticed that the title of this thread/forum is November scores and not December? Lool


I almost didn't click on it this morning, thought it was old thread XD Decided to say nothing, it's all cool


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## PiP (Jan 1, 2022)

KeganThompson said:


> Question. Am i the only one who noticed that the title of this thread/forum is November scores and not December? Lool


You have a keen eye… that’s why we promoted You to moderato. Well spotted, Kegan.


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## KeganThompson (Jan 1, 2022)

PiP said:


> You have a keen eye… that’s why we promoted You to moderato. Well spotted, Kegan.


Thanks Pip! 
Wish my eye was keener on my own SPaG. 
I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Happy new years!


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## bdcharles (Jan 1, 2022)

Wow, third equal - I'll take it  Well done Sue, and the other placers and other fellow writers. Excellent turnout this month, and grand efforts all round! Thank you host and judges for your generous (to me, anyway) scores.


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## NajaNoir (Jan 1, 2022)

KeganThompson said:


> Question. Am i the only one who noticed that the title of this thread/forum is November scores and not December? Lool


I noticed late last night and thought that I had posted comments in wrong thread. Frantically came back to erase lol,  but saw it was the right thread once opened.


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## Matchu (Jan 2, 2022)

Eyup!  Fantastic commitment from the judges and a wonderful clutch of stories.  Well done winners.


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## ChicagoHeart (Jan 6, 2022)

Harper J. Cole said:


> Scores time! A good month, with a dozen entries. Here be the scores...
> 
> 
> EntryVrangerrobertn51AjoyLawlessAVERAGENotesGaze by GunnarTu131013.511.2*11.925*Untitled by RGS17.51418.514.9*16.225*Untitled by MommaKat18.51516.514.4*16.1*DQThe Wailing Wall by TheChristianWitness17141915.3*16.325*Propriety by piperofyork19.51718.515.2*17.55**=3rd*Twilight at Culloden Wall by SueC19.51718.2518.5*18.3125**=1st*NIHIL by Matchu16151410.8*13.95*Untitled by Chicago Heart19.5171917.5*18.25**2nd*True Siren Narratorial: “By-and-By My Love Stands At A River” by bdcharles18.5161916.7*17.55**=3rd*Birth of a Prince by Rookish17.51718.514.8*16.95*Untitled by NajaNoir18.51619.7519.1*18.3375**=1st*It's always darkest before the dawn by Kegan Thompson17.51718.7515.1*17.0875*
> ...


Thanks to all the judges for the effort and valuable feedback. Its good to be back in this community after a long absence, I'll learn much from all of you this year!


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