# Three haikus



## Martin (Feb 19, 2011)

I've been wanting to post these for a while now. I never managed to pull off a proper haiku so I'm excited to see how these will fare. Bear in mind they have no relation to each other. Okay here goes:



_The ice cracked
under my step
silence broke

~~~

Playful kites mingled,
a glaring sun
cut their lines

~~~

The moon rose
behind clouds
it went away_


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## Gumby (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm not terribly familiar with haiku, but I'm trying to read up on it a bit. I like these, Martin. My understanding is that Japanese syllables contain less information than English syllables so that the traditional 17 syllable count in Japanese is more like 11 in English. That would certainly make it harder to accomplish, but you seem to have done so here with a smaller syllable count.


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## Martin (Feb 20, 2011)

Thanks Cindy.

I've tried to do some 5-7-5 form haikus before, but it didn't go well as I let the form dictate the content. These are attempts at the formless style, just kept below 17 syllables. I'd like to know how the content works; if the different thoughts come together as they should in the different pieces. At least these are my main concerns.


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## Firebird (Feb 20, 2011)

I like the first one. I think the image works well. Not sure if my edit helps - just playing around with the idea. It's only a suggestion.

_under foot_
_the lake cracks_
_braking silence_

_~~~_

_playful kites mingle,_
_a glaring sun_
_cuts their lines_

Not sure about the verb 'cuts'. Think it needs to be more 'real', maybe 'dissolves'


_~~~_

_the moon rose_
_behind clouds_
_it went away_ 

Not sure what this one is hinting at.


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## Shirley S. Bracken (Feb 20, 2011)

I chuckled at the first one.  I like all three very much.  I also like the suggestion from Firebird.  I assume FB meant braking instead of breaking on purpose.  I like it as a means of stopping the silence, very cool!  Both words work well!  Broke and braking.


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## Gumby (Feb 20, 2011)

I think that the first two did work, though I do like Firebirds suggestion for them. Seems to nail the meaning just a tad bit more. The last one threw me also, but after reading it a few times I got what you were saying. So maybe that one needs a rethink. I am impressed Martin, if this is your first effort at haiku, you are doing great.


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## Martin (Feb 20, 2011)

I played around with the two first a little more. Firebird, Your edit on the first one I felt took away from the impact of the original middle line. As in the step makes both things happen, instead of a chain of effects as your edit implies. Braking is interesting, I wouldn't have thought of that connection myself. 
This edit turns the season (for fun)!!! Then I hope you like what I did with the second.

_from feet down
the lake splashes
braking silence

~~~

playful kites mingle
in a glaring sun;
sets them free_

About the third. The idea is that there are many ways to read it. The moon rose from the horizon, maybe behind a cloud. If not then it went away behind a cloud. Maybe it was showing almost all night, maybe it didn't show at all. I wanted to convey the prolonging of night, by making the moon's visibility somewhat arbitrary.

_the moon rose
behind clouds
it went away_ 

Thanks for commenting guys, I appreciate it.


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## Ilasir Maroa (Feb 21, 2011)

I kind of liked the first two.  I don't really get the third one.  Personally, I prefer the original wordings.

I think you could just say "the ice cracked" in the first one, but otherwise.


I'm curious which form of haiku you're going for.  These have the juxtaposition, or kireji, but the third one is lacking a clear kigo.  Those are more markers of the traditional Japanese form, though.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Feb 21, 2011)

I really liked the first one. It paints a very simple, but resounding picture.

As for the second one, what do you mean by the sun "cutting" the lines? Crossing throgh, perhaps?


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## Martin (Feb 21, 2011)

Ilasir, I like your suggestion for the first one. Furthermore I'm very pleased you say the first two have the kireji, then I know I've improved from my last attempts. The third haiku was more of an experiment and I suspected it wasn't strong enough to hold up.

TF, I'm glad you ask. I was watching some Afghani refugees at my work playing with kites last summer. The glaring sun was blinding, and against it, the kites appeared to have been set free, or at least you couldn't make out their lines.

Thanks for your comments.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Feb 24, 2011)

^ I see. That makes sense.


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