# 24/7/12 - LM - Shoes Hanging on a Wire - Scores



## Potty (Jul 24, 2012)

A big thank you to all our contestants and judges for this months LM Competition! An even bigger thank you to Bazz who very kindly stepped in at very short notice and acted as a judge for Babayaga who was unable to do so himself. Real life always get's us while we aint looking eh? 

Here is the moment you've all been waiting for! The scores!

If you spot a mistake, please let me know.

*LaughinJim:* 15+18+17+15 = 16.25
*Garza:* 19+19+18+17 = 18.25
*bo_7md:* 12+17+15+14 = 14.5
*HkayG:* 14+16+17+13 = 15
*Cadence:* 12+16+20+17 = 16.5
*Bazz:* Unscored, but a gold star for stepping up.
*Noxicity:* 16+18+20+18 = 18
*Sunny:* 16+17+18+19 = 17.5
*Rubisco:* 17+18+18+16 = 17.25
*lcg:* 12+16+19+15 = 15.5
*eggo:* 17+18+17+18 = 17.5
*apple:* 14+19+18+14 = 16.25
*Bilston Blue:* 18+19+20+15 = 18
*TheFuhrer02:* 15+18+18+15 = 16.5
*ravensty:* 11+18+18+12 = 14.75
*Guy Faukes:* 14+18+17+15 = 16

So please hammer your space bar repeatedly for our winners!

Garza takes first place!
Noxicity and Bilston Blue tie with second place!
Eggo and Sunny takes third place!

*Judges Scores:

Terry D's Scores.*


*Title:*Diogenes and the Beach Comber
*By:* LaughinJim
*Total Score:* 15 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. Some comma mis-use, and a couple of semi-colons use in place of commas _(Today, the territory I chose was by the old amusement pier where, in summer_* [comma missing here]*_ you could hear the screams of kiddies…), (I’m very good at seeking; but_*[use a comma with a conjunction]*_ seeking and finding are two different things.).
_
Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The voice was consistent throughout. I always felt as if I was inside the beach comber’s head, seeing through his eyes.

Effect: 8 of 10 There was much to like about this story. The setting is well developed and the protagonist is unique, and there is some excellent use of language. In my opinion, however, the ending was not as effective as it could be because we knew going in (from the title) that the old man is Diogenes. Also, the tie in to the prompt feels forced.

General Comments: The entire second paragraph is wonderful, almost a story unto itself. It cements the tone for the entire tale; good job. 

_There were better pickings in the striated light and shadows beneath. Engrossed in my search, a call from a scratchy male voice startled me._ I also like this line very much, it is efficiently descriptive, but it also moves the story forward.

The first paragraph has a lot of very short sentences and feels a bit unbalanced; sort of choppy. But, of course that’s just my opinion. Overall this is a very good story. Thanks for letting me read it.

* * *

*Title:*Venus in Transit
*By:* Garza
*Total Score:* 19 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 4 of 5 Grammatically flawless writing. Not a single complaint on the technical front. Everything was put together with the precision of a master mason.

Tone and Voice: 5 of 5 Perfectly fitting, or unique, style and technique. The exposition used between the blocks of dialogue was perfectly timed and masterfully understated. It added much to my enjoyment of the story.

Effect: 10 of 10 It’s very hard for me to give perfect scores. I re-read this piece several times looking for flaws in its effect and every time I thought I’d found one I’d read a bit further and see how it was all so wonderfully put together.

General Comments: First off, I’m darned glad I’m judging this time around and not in competition with this story. It flows like warm honey, smooth and sweet. My favorite line is – _They flew up, circled one another in mutual orbit, bound by shoestring gravity._ A perfect picture; you couldn’t have done better with your camera. This is as good a bit of flash fiction as I’ve ever read. Thanks for submitting this one.

* * *

*Title:*Innocent Genocide
*By:* bo_7md
*Total Score:* 12 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. _"The problem has escalated; we are now facing starvation," the Commander said, _*[period here, the following is a new sentence]*_ "our food supplies won't last us the winter,…”

I believe if we move slowly, and silently_* [comma needed here]*_ we'll make it across undetected._

Tone and Voice: 3 of 5 Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. I get what you were trying to do by personifying the ants, but in the end it didn’t work for me. Phrases like, _the Queen said as she put her hand on his shoulder_, and, _Thantos said with a sly grin,_ could be reworked to convey the same effect without using terms which can’t possible apply to insects. Something like; *…the Queen said, touching Grant’s back,* or; *Thantos’ manner was sly.*

Effect: 6 of 10 This was an interesting take on the prompt. The overall effect might have been stronger if you had only shifted from the insect point-of-view to the human one time, and not gone back to the insect POV. In a story this short it is very difficult to keep the reader engaged if you change too often.

General Comments: Clashing armies, giants, the threat of spiders, wow! That’s an ambitious scope for a 650 word story. It’s very inventive, and I thank you for submitting it. I read your story with a smile on my face; I love epic fantasy. I look forward to reading more of your work.

* * *

*Title:*A Runner’s Luck
*By:* HKayG
*Total Score:* 14 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. There were several comma use issues. _… impact of landing which discourages injury and_*[missing comma]*_ of course_* [missing comma]*_ comfort was of the upmost _*[utmost?] *_importance. _‘Of course’ is a parenthetical statement requiring commas. _“It’ll be me laughing in the end_*[comma needed]*_” she repeated … 

An open field lay before her with a line of obstacles._*[a colon here to introduce a list might be a better choice]*_ A brick wall, a mini assault course arrangement of lead pipes, a stack of five blocks gradually gaining height with each one,,_* [double comma]*_ a sprint and lastly a thin but very long balance rail._

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The tone and voice was consistent throughout and carried the story even without much dialogue. You offered enough detail about parkour to make the story believable without beating the reader over the head.

Effect: 7 of 10 I liked the ‘bookend’ manner you used to tie the story to the prompt. In my opinion the first and last paragraphs are the strongest in the story. The tale carried little emotion, however, even when the Scarlett won the event. I found the piece to be more of a vignette than a story.

General Comments: Your writing style is smooth and flows well. You took a topic which is unknown to many people and wove it into your story very nicely. It would have benefited from a more careful proof reading, the SPaG errors detracted from an otherwise well told tale. Flash fiction usually works best when it delivers an emotional punch, this story seemed to keep emotion at arm’s length. Thanks for submitting, I enjoyed _A Runner’s Luck. _

* * *

*Title:*Me, with Lucy
*By:* Cadence
*Total Score:* 12 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. A few comma related issues. _It’s a testament,_*[unnecessary comma]*_ of how things should be.

That other house, the one enduring against the flames; she is there._ I usually don’t have a problem with fragments (I use them a lot in my own writing), but this one didn’t work for me, it seems rough.

Tone and Voice: 3 of 5 Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. The mood of the piece is bleak, which is what I think you were trying for, and the image of the burning house is vivid. But, there doesn’t seem to be a consistent flow to the writing. If you read it aloud, it sounds like a series of three-round bursts from a machine gun.

Effect: 6 of 10 The tie to the prompt was there, and may win the award for the most gruesome take on the prompt. There were so many things going on all at once in this story that it didn’t seem to have any one focus. There was the fire, the murdered woman next door, and Lucy hiding with the killer; in a 650 word story it is hard to keep all of those aspects powerful. That might be why the tale seems a bit jerky.

General Comments: Truly creepy. Mr. Dodly is a very odd duck indeed, thanks for introducing me to him. I think this story just needs room to breathe, space to expand and develop the various elements you’ve brought into play. It’s a bit over-concentrated right now. I’d like to see an expanded version of this tale.

* * *

*Title:* Kung Shoe
*By:* Bazz Cargo
*Total Score:* 15 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. Failed to capitalize Kyle the first time, and Street in Lanyard Street. Also used ‘the’ instead of ‘they’ in the line: _bouncing off the trees the had been hiding behind. _

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong interesting use of a particular tone. The pace was very good and the sentence structure was a big part of that. The comic mood was clear and consistent.

Effect: 8 of 10 The take on the prompt (and it’s origin) was very good, completely appropriate for the comic mood. The final line, including the ellipsis, was perfect. For just 134 words this piece packed a neat comic punch (no pun intended). My only problem was that it wasn’t quite long enough to carry a full story arc and that makes it fall a bit short.

General Comments: Very well done in, what I assume, was the spur of the moment. You are a good story teller with a very natural voice.

* * *

*Title:* Shoes
*By:* Noxicity
*Total Score:* 16 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. Very minor errors indeed. _…certain he was up to no good, when I realized that there were_* [verb tense issue, should be was (only one pair of shoes)]*_ a pair of shoes hanging from the wire. 

I wanted to surprise him and mom_* [Mom should be capitalized] *_with a pair of sneakers.

and his mom, _*[semi-colon rather than comma] *_by God I wanted to help._

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong and interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice was consistent throughout and there was an obvious distinction between the narrator and the child in dialogue. Dialogue was well written.

Effect: 9 of 10 The interaction between the narrator and the boy was realistic and very natural, but I had no real sense of place in this story; the setting was neglected. Emotionally this story does deliver as the narrator moves from observer to participant to frustrated care-giver. In my opinion you do a good enough job with the impact of this story that the _“and hung my head in shame”_ phrase is one step too far. The story would be stronger without it.

General Comments: This is a very good story with a strong hook, well paced development, and a clear, satisfying ending. In general I like your word choices – particularly; _I felt terrible for what I had said, for his plight, for his shoelessness._ There were only a couple of times when the writing got in the way of the story; one was the phrase; _my non-threatening demeanor _(does anyone actually think of themselves that way?)[/i] and another was; _He sighed, looking at me with sad brown eyes and slumped shoulders_ (it sounds like the boy’s shoulders were looking at me). But these are minor nits which were only apparent because the rest of the story was so well written. Good job, and thanks for submitting.

* * *

*Title:* Wonder Wo
*By:* Sunny
*Total Score:* 16 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 4 of 5 Grammatically flawless writing. I didn’t recognize one problem. I think the one colon you used _(it’s become our ritual: stopping under them…)_ might, technically, be better as a semi-colon, but I’m not sure.

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The story had a consistent tone, and the language flowed smoothly for the most part. There were a couple of phrases which I stumbled over as I read; _... as I twist my mouth and conjure up a tale._ “Twist my mouth” just doesn’t seem to fit, instead of creating an image in my head it brought me out of the story trying to figure out what she was doing. That’s the same problem I had with; _…I say, fingering my lips._ Both lines interrupted the flow for me.

Effect: 8 of 10 You very nearly hit a home run with this story. Your dialogue/narrative mix is excellent; giving information and moving the story along with the coordination of a rowing crew. I had a good sense of the characters and their friendship. The tie-in to the prompt is impeccable. My only complaints are with the opening and the end. I’ll go into that with my general comments.

General Comments: I really like this story. You have a distinctive writing style and are very accomplished with creating realistic dialogue. Even the parts of this story that didn’t work for me were well written. Now for my nit-picks; one of the cardinal ‘rules’ of short story writing is that every word needs to be essential to the story, no waste, no padding. I felt that the mention of Wonder Wo’s step-sister Johanna was not needed, and was, in fact, a bit of a distraction. She had nothing to do with the story. The same goes for the narrator’s dark past; if it doesn’t pertain to the current story it shouldn’t be mentioned. My complaint about the ending is when the narrator says, _“It’s hard to describe how I feel,…” _That phrase drains all the power out of the ending. The narrator (the author) must tell us how it feels, or as readers we are lost. Despite my nits, I did enjoy the story very much.

* * *

*Title:* The Liberator of the Oppressed
*By:* Rubisco
*Total Score:* 17 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 4 of 5 Predominantly correct minor errors. In the main, very well written. Just a couple of minor nits to pick; _Carpe Diem_ and _lassiez faire_ should be italicized as they are foreign words.

Tense problem with: _He reflected how yesterday he volunteered at the soup kitchen. He picked out all of the meat out of the soup prior to serving._ His memory of the previous day should be in the past tense.

Tone and Voice: 5 of 5 Perfectly fitting, or unique style and technique. The light hearted, tongue-in-cheek tone remains consistent all the way through the piece. The narrative voice is clear and distinctive.

Effect: 8 of 10 The story fit the prompt very well, but did not have much lasting impact. It was light and humorous, but fell a bit short of actually being funny, in my opinion.

General Comments: A very well written story, you have a good knack for pacing and a distinctive writing style. This was a smooth, easy, pleasurable read. Thanks.

* * *

*Title:* A Warm Welcome
*By:* lcg
*Total Score:* 12 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 2 of 5 Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. I can not begin to understand the difficulty of writing a story in a second language, and I very much admire your ability to do so, but there are a large number of grammatical errors in this story.

Tone and Voice: 3 of 5 Effective yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. The way the story is told from the point-of-view of the unfortunate new husband is effective and remains consistent. Good job. There are a number of word choice issues which make the story somewhat difficult to read, however: _I will explore every nook of the it._ (You do not need ‘the’), _He got off the car and waved Samantha._ (What car? Waved ‘to’ Samantha?).

Effect: 7 of 10 The story had a nice interpretation of the prompt; the twist ending appeals to me. Because of the phrasing and language issues, however, I had to re-read passages a couple of times to understand what you were trying to say. This took away from the overall effect of the story for me.

General Comments:_ A Warm Welcome_ is a very effective, interesting story and I’m glad I had the chance to read it. Most of its issues can be attributed to the challenges associated with writing in a second language. I’m sure that, with practice, those issues will disappear. 

* * *

*Title:* Left Hanging
*By:* eggo
*Total Score:* 17 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. There were some comma usage errors; _“No_* (comma)*_ my shows ain’t on right now and the only thing on is Fat Albert_ *(comma) *_and I don’t like that guy who has the hat pulled over his head because he looks like a bank robber, you ever seen a bank robber?”

That night_ *(comma)*_ sleeping in the spare bedroom_* (comma) *_I noticed a pair of shoes on a wire just outside my Uncle’s house. I started to cry and found him downstairs in the kitchen._

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong interesting use of a particular tone. I loved the pace of this piece, and the child’s point-of-view. The structure, with each sentence being its own paragraph, seemed a bit choppy to me. I understand it between bits of dialogue, of course, but in narration I found it odd.

Effect: 10 of 10 I found this to be a very effective story. I could easily relate to the boy, and to the adults trying watch a ball game in spite of a chatty kid (my brother use to pay me a nickel to be quiet for half-an-hour). The tie-in to the prompt was seamless and unique.

General Comments: Great story. You use dialogue very effectively and packed a lot of story into just 650 words. It’s not easy to construct a complete story arc in such a tight space and still create memorable characters. You did an excellent job.

* * *

*Title:* Ugly Little Light Bulbs
*By:* apple
*Total Score:* 14 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. For the most part the story is technically sound, but there are a couple of places where quotation marks are missing; _He kept whining, -(“)you never do this(“)- (“)you always do that(“) …blah, blah.

(“)Don’t be mad at the kid(“) my ex said. (“)He needs them.(“)_

And there is a shift from past tense to present here; _“THIS SUCKS,” he screams._

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice was distinctive and clear; I could easily sense her irritation and frustration.

Effect: 7 of 10 The prompt was used appropriately, and I liked the evolution of the narrator’s emotional state from irritated, to angry, to vengeful. That was handled very well. I found the repeated use of all capitals very distracting, however. It took away a lot from the story for me. In fiction all caps are used extremely rarely and almost always for a single word (NO!), (MOVE!). In dialogue the exclamation point is almost always sufficient to convey volume, or emotion.

General Comments: This is a very good examination of how a small disagreement can be twisted into a very big deal by family dynamics. Having raised three kids through their teenage years it brought back some memories. The emotional impact of this story was very good, thanks for contributing it.

* * *

*Title:* A Streetcar ‘neath the Wire
*By:* Bilston Blue
*Total Score:* 18 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 5 of 5 Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. This story is a good example of what the technical side of writing is all about. Sentence structure and construction, including the selective use of punctuation, contribute greatly to the effect of this tale.

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The narrator’s voice is very fitting to the story; youthful and low-key. I can easily sense his skeptical fascination with his uncle.

Effect: 9 of 10 I felt like I was right there strolling along Willenhall Road with the narrator and his uncle, and the use of the prompt was creative and completely appropriate. The story gave me a pleasant, nostalgic feeling, but just missed the emotional punch which would have made it a perfect 10.

General Comments: This is some very, very good writing. I not only enjoyed reading it, but I learned about story building as well. I was particularly impressed with the way the narrator wanted to be skeptical of his uncle’s story, but was drawn into asking, “What happened?”, “What was it?”, and “Did you?”. This excellent story managed to put a key between my shoulder blades as well. Thanks.

* * *

*Title:* Deliverance
*By:* TheFuhrer02
*Total Score:* 15 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. Sentence structure here leads to confusion; _Just two weeks ago, one of Nikita’s friends, Andriy, was shot in the head by a single bullet together with his family. _It reads as if one bullet killed the entire family.

_She quickly ran to her Motina,_ ‘Motina’ here should be italicized.

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. The tone of the story is consistent from beginning to end, as is the narrator’s voice. For a piece so horrific, however, I found it somewhat cold and dispassionate.

Effect: 8 of 10 The tie-in to the prompt was there, but seemed a trifle forced. The exchange between the German officers at the beginning eliminated any possible surprise at the ending, reducing much of the story’s impact.

General Comments: This is a well told story from a unique view-point. You did a good job of getting everything (including the ‘prologue’) into the short word count without making it feel rushed. I think the tale would benefit from letting the reader get closer to Nikita and feel more of what the little girl was feeling. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read, _Deliverance._

* * *

*Title:* Shoes on a Wire
*By:* ravensty
*Total Score:* 11 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 2 of 5 Consistent grammatical and spelling related errors. The use of run-on sentences, particularly in the first two paragraphs, makes the narrative uncomfortable to read – in my opinion. There are also a number of missing, and mis-used, commas and quotation marks.

Tone and Voice: 3 of 5 Effective, yet inconsistent vocabulary and phrasing. The story is told about, and from the point-of-view of a _barrio_ youth, but much of the narrative voice uses a style and vocabulary inconsistent with that POV. Words like ‘ruminate’, ‘garrulous’, ‘integral’, and ‘disingenuous’ do not fit with the POV character and pull the reader out of the story.

Effect: 6 of 10 The prompt is used perfectly in this story, and I very much like the imagery at the end of Eduardo feeling himself falling off the tight wire. There is, however, too much effort made to make the story feel stylish. The vocabulary doesn’t fit the situation and detracts from the power of the tale.

General Comments: I like the dialogue between the three friends. It sounded natural and carried strong emotions. I also like the use of the prompt in this piece, it’s very fitting and realistic. As I mention above, however, the story feels forced and doesn’t have a good flow. Emotional impact in flash fiction usually comes from a more subtle use of language. In any event, it’s a good story, and I’m happy to have read it.

* * *

*Title:* A Backyard Adventure
*By:* Guy Faukes
*Total Score:* 14 of 20

Spelling and Grammar: 3 of 5 Predominantly correct, minor errors. The only real problem I noticed was the consistent use of a period within quotation marks prior to a dialogue tag. For instance; _“Come on... I got a secret to show you.” he said._ The period after ‘you’ should be a comma.

Tone and Voice: 4 of 5 Strong, interesting use of a particular tone. Both main characters had distinctive individual voices in this story, and the overall tone of the piece is consistently light and well paced.

Effect: 7 of 10 The use of the prompt is effective and appropriate. There’s not much of a ‘punch’ to this story, nothing to make it particularly remarkable.

General Comments: I had a mental image of a Disney cartoon while reading this story. It had a bit of that whimsical feel to it, but it didn’t quite get all the way there – perhaps that was due to the restricted word count. It can be difficult to completely capture a mood, or a setting in just 650 words. I did have fun reading it though, and thank you for entering it in the competition.


*Bazz_Cargo Scores:*

*Title:* Diogenes and the Beach Comber
*By:* Laughinjim
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing, 
Some neat passages and clever use of voice.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
An easy read. Simply set out with straight forward prose. 

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest. Effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: This was a great read. The contrast between the inherent ' smoke and mirrors' of show-business and the idea that honesty has a specific value makes a good point to turn a story on. I liked the pier setting, it adds some grime to the reality. I found the dialogue believable/naturalistic. The rather sad and slightly world weary narrator fitted perfectly. 

A very strong contender. And it sticks with me.
Thank you for a great read
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Venus In Transit
*By:* Garza
*Total Score:* 19/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Spot on and well balanced between dialogue, action and description.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. 
A highly polished performance.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: Great subject, the awakening of young love. Simply drawn but effective characters. Lovely descriptions. Sharp dialogue. I spy more texture to this than your last entry. 

A sweet and heart-warming tale. This could make a great start to a larger work.

Thank you for a great read,
Bazz

* * *

*Title:*Innocent Genocide
*By:* Bo 7md
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Easy to follow, no WTH are you getting at moments? 

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Clever humanization of ants. Nice details.

Effect: 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: A sad tale told with a mockumentary feel. Well placed 'giant' teaser. Good dialogue. Nice, if sketchy characters. Great internal logic.

Sadly commander Grant was de-capitalised at one point.

A grand scale tale of battle told in a microcosm. 
Thank you for a great read,
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* A Runner's Luck
*By:* HkayG
*Total Score:* 16/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Just the tiniest bit of polishing to bring out the best.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Scarlett came across very well. The event was done excellently.

Effect: 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: I liked this a lot. Freerunning has become a phenomenon. It can be tough to describe an action sequence. The urgency of the situation can get bogged down in details. You managed the balancing act with aplomb.

There are a few clunky sentences.

There they were swaying lazily in the breeze, two laces tying them to the wire, the others in a neat bow.

the judges sat stoically on there green-clothed table.

Nothing that detracts from the overall effect.
A good contender.
Thank you for a great read.
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Me, with Lucy
*By:* Cadence.
*Total Score:* 16/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Clear, strong and easy to read. Only one typo.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Mr Dodly is a complete character. His voice is well defined.

Effect: 8-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: Superb craftsmanship. The story is built step by step into a chilling finale. Sadly the end is rather expected. There are plenty of great details and the feel of the piece is very professional.

' I can feel her arms at my sides, pressing against the fat. I must be like a big teddy bear to her, with my cuddly jumper. My bow tie. Damn, I don’t look like a big man.'

Lovely line. I get to see the multiplicity of sides to his character in such a short sentence.
Cracking read.
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Shoes
*By:* Noxicity.
*Total Score:* 18/20


Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Easy to read and well constructed. 
My own choice would include: when I realized that there was a pair of shoes

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Sharp, well observed and thought provoking.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: Excellent tie in with the theme. A brief but affecting glimpse into how the other half live. 
I want to know more about the story. Who was this kid? Does the unnamed and genderless narrator do something for the poor in general? Do they meet again? 


In a simple scene and 650 words you have created a stack of questions and something that will follow me around for a while.
Thank you for a great read
Bazz.

* * *

*Title:* Wonder Wo
*By:* Sunny.
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Smooth read with only one typo. 

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Spot on. Young kids and their attitudes.

Effect: 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: There are some brilliant lines here:
'I'd rather leave those thoughts in the dark, where I buried them; one bad memory resting in a plot beside the next.'

Quite a ride. I was never sure where this was going until the falling ending. Which wasn't as much of a surprise as I would have expected. I feel this was well constructed. It seemed like you had the ending first and built the characters and story to fit. It has a classic 'who dunnit' feel. Red herrings and all.


Thank you for a great read
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* The Liberator Of The Oppressed
*By:* Rubisco.
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Easy to read.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Loved the tongue-in-cheek style.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: A two day grin. I have a soft spot for Bobby, right at the bottom of my garden where his body will never be found. 

'He strutted out of his house and took in an obnoxious portion of air through his nostrils. '
Despite the fact this sentence is nonsense it fits perfectly.

The closer I look the more impressed I am. The internal logic and the construction is tight. Great characterization, neat details. The finale is worth a groan. 
Thank you for a wonderful read.
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* A Warm Welcome
*By:* Lcg.
*Total Score:* 16/20

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
There are some technical grammar issues:

'which I am yet to see. 

He got off the car

The room was nothing before her. Luxury was nothing before her. His hands wanted to take her in his arms and have his way with him here and now.

and a wire with many shoes hanging on it. '

These are not so bad that they detract from the story.


Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
There is a skilful use of an almost documentary style.

Effect: 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: This was a tough one to judge. Certainly left of field. Interesting and memorable. To me it read like an excerpt of a Mills and Boon novel. Sadly I could see what kind of ending was coming when we met the maid.

Just to be ultra picky, the first three sentences feel a bit hammered together. Some details seemed to be left out. This would probably benefit from expansion.

Thank you for a great read
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Left Hanging
*By:* Eggo.
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Simple, straight-forward and realistic.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Telling a tall tale from when you were six. The matter-of-factness adds a to its creepiness. 

Effect: 10-10 points.

Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: I have a problem with this. It really needs to be made into a novella at least.

'He spent the night sleeping in an old wooden chair from the hallway, holding a flyswatter to keep the fairies away.'

Who are these people? How does their family gel? The insane logic and twisted cruelty. The deep regret for being such a git. 

Thank you for a superb read
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* A streetcar 'Neath The Wire
*By:* Bilston Blue.
*Total Score:* 19/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition. 
Neat and tidy without resorting to flashiness. 

Tone and voice: /5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
The accent came through loud and clear. The childishness of both parties is excellently portrayed.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: Uncle John reminds me of my uncle Jack. His stories were so tall I needed oxygen to hear them.

'Mum used to say he’d start an argument with his shaving mirror. I spied on him a couple of times but never saw him do that.'
Perfect example of how to add personality.

A smart bit of writing that had me grinning for hours. Thank you for helping make my day
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Ugly Little Lightbulbs
*By:* Apple.
*Total Score:* 19/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing. 
You have to be careful when mixing “speech quotes” with 'direct quotes.' There is not enough of a problem to knock you back.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Characterization is spot on. A lovely read.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: The mother up against the petulant teenager. Played out so often and yet still has a lot of mileage left. The level of understanding is portrayed well. The dialogue is perfect. 

'He flopped around a bit; then I saw that ugly little light bulb switch on in his head and that crafty look that revealed some clever and artful way, by using just a little skill, that he could most certainly get his way.'
Oh Yeah!


Loved it. 
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Deliverance
*By:* TheFuhrer02
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
Just enough German to add verisimilitude and not put me off reading.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
A strange mix of tragedy and humour that works remarkably well.

Effect: 10-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: A brief and affecting glimpse into a period of history that seems overlooked by the establishment.
Cleverly told, well constructed. The end was telegraphed at the beginning and still had a shock to it.

A sobering piece that makes me think. 
Thank you for a strong reminder of how things are.
Bazz

* * *

*Title:* Shoes On A Wire
*By:* Ravensty.
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
A quick and easy read. Good dialogue and visuals.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. 
An intriguing mix of Spanish influenced characters and some sophisticated English words. 

Effect: 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: This was a tough one to judge. It has so much going for it. The strength of plot, the characters are well defined. The feel is gritty and real. It is just too short. You have squashed a 3 to 5,000 word epic into 650 words. It works but it could be oh so much better.
A pleasure to read.

Bazz.

* * *

*Title:* A Backyard Adventure
*By:* Guy Fawkes.
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.
A whirly spin through a neat story.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique. 
The character of squirrels portrayed with style.

Effect: 9-10 points.
Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

General Comments: Apart from not giving me a clue as to what the characters are, earlier in the story I can't fault this. I like squirrel stories. I like anthropomorphism. I love the idea of squirrel swings. This would work as a picture book.

' “He ‘styles’ his fur.” said Sammich.'
A punk squirrel! Oh joy!

I enjoyed this a lot.
Thank you
Bazz.

* * *

*(General Note)*
This has been nearly impossible to pick and choose between. I thought my nightmare would be finding something good to say about terrible stories. I was wrong. Everyone here is a winner. How the heck do you sort between them? 



*Mr Mitchells Scores:*

*Title:* Diogenes and the Beach Comber
*Author:* Laughing Jim 
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing

Tone/Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 8/10

General Comments: I felt that this piece was well written, and it had a good pace. It was funny, light-hearted and had a good style.

* * *

*Title:* Venus in Transit
*Author:* Garza
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence 
structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 9/10 

General Comments: It was an entertaining story that worked wonders, and I fully enjoyed reading it. The thing I didn’t like was the pace, it was a little fast, but it was still good. 

* * *

*Title:* Innocent Genocide
*Author:* Bo-7MD 
*Total Score:* 15/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone/Voice: 2/5 - Generic, uninteresting tone.

Effect: 9/10 

General Comments: The story was rather boring and didn’t really enjoy it. It needed something more energetic, maybe fast pace.

* * *

*Title:* Me, with Lucy
*Author:* Cadence 
*Total Score:* 20/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: I enjoyed this as it was fun, nicely paced and well written. The voice was strong and I could see you worked hard at it.

* * *

*Title:* A runner luck 
*Author:* HKayG
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 9/10

General Comments:As this was my first time reading your work, I must say that it was enjoyable and well written. It had a good pace and which I like, the characters were real.

* * *

*Title:* Kung Shoe 
*Author:* Bazz Cargo 
*Total Score:* 18/20


Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: Bazz, you always have this comical way of writing, and in places it was funny. Some of it was unbelievable, but it worked. Something did confuse me however; this line: While Kyle was distracted, the invisible, black-clad ninjas started to close in...

* * *

*Title:* Shoes 
*Author:* Noxicity 
*Total Score:* 20/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: This was strongly written with a good pace. I like your main Character and it worked. 

* * *

*Title:* Wonder Woo 
*Author:* Sunny 
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: It was fast but builds up well in a short space of time, good pose and the words flowed on the page. 

* * *

*Title:* Left Hanging
*Author:* Eggo 
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 9/10

General Comments: I enjoyed this as it was fast paced, well written and a great character to read about.

* * *

*Author:* Rubisco
*Title:* The Liberator of the Oppressed
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 9/10

General Comments: This was strongly written with a good pace, and you kept my interest the whole way through.

* * *

*Author:* Icg 
*Title:* A Warm Welcome
*Total Score:* 19/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: This was a easy read and I like the character, but at times it was a bit slow. It just needed something more.

* * *

*Author:* Apple 
*Title:* Ugly Little Light Bulbs
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 10/10

General comments: This was a slow read, but it was enjoyable as you kept me interested.

* * * 

*Author:* Bilston Blue
*Title:* A Streetcar 'neath the Wire
*Total Score:* 20/20

Spelling and Grammar: 5/5 - Competant manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 10/10

General Comments: This had a great pace and it moved along nicely, written with such power that I enjoyed. It was very moving.

* * *

*Author:* TheFuhrer02 
*Title:* Deliverance 
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 10

General Comments: This was a fun story to read and it was worth every moment. It was well structured and went along nicely. 

* * *

*Author:* Ravensty 
*Title:* Shoes on the wire 
*Total Score:* 18/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

Effect: 9/10

General Comments: This was good writing as you gave me enough, and I wanted to know more. Which is only a good thing.

* * *

*Author:* Guy Faukes 
*Title:* A backyard Adventure 
*Total Score:* 17/20

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.

Tone and Voice: 4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

Effect: 9/10

General Comments: It was a slow starter, but when it did, it really got going. And at the end I wanted something more.



*Fins Scores:*

*LaughinJim:* Diogenes and the Beach Comber
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 15


I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical mistakes. Good job.

As for the story, it wasn't anything memorable. I was waiting for the punch I feel a piece this short needs to be effective. The ending feels like you tried for it but didn’t succeed. Some of the problems are as simple as a need for rephrasing. The guy said he doesn't want anything, yet the next thing he does is request something. Then states that he's looking for an honest man, when he himself just lied. A tiny rephrase could have changed that completely.

As it stands, this story just seems like an un-honest guy in search of an honest one. Not much else. The protagonist's response to the request for his shoes was seemingly irrelevant to the question, and that itself made the story seem forced. 

That being said, you do a good job with the scenery. It was an interesting picture in my head throughout the ride. 

Of course there's the chance that I'm seeing everything wrong. I would like for you to tell me what you were getting at with this story once you see the results.
-Fin

* * *

*garza:* Venus in Transit
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [5/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 17


Ah, Garza. I looked forward to reading your entry. You didn't disappoint, either. It was a cute story, and I enjoyed it all the way through. Yet again you've managed to impress me with the way you give life to your characters through dialogue.

One suggestion: Where you say 'But you never.' and 'And your hair. It's.' It seems it'd be better if you ended those with something like 'But you never. . .' or 'But you never --'. Of course it's personal preference, but it feels like it better shows a trailing off or abrupt stop.

Tone, spelling and grammar were all great.

I love the way you handled the prompt.
Thanks.
-Fin

* * *

*bo_7md:* Innocent Genocide
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14


From a glance, it appears that all the technical stuff in writing is not your strong suit. I could have easily marked you down even further for the grammatical mistakes. Seriously, watch it in the future. There were missing quotation marks, misplaced quotation marks, capital letters where there shouldn't have been, lower cases where there should have been capitals, and even a double exclamation at one point. Really, in any case, one will do the trick.

The story reminds me of an entry in The Abyss LM challenge. Feel free to read through them. Trust me; the twist is so very similar that you won't have a problem knowing which I'm talking about.

I've told you before that I strongly dislike the 'Moral of the story' ending. I feel that in most cases, the story would have a better effect without it. This story is no exception. 

Even though I've seen the twist before, it was interesting and I didn't see it coming. I was wondering how you'd work the prompt into this story, and then it came. I enjoyed it.

Interesting choice with the name of the characters, too.
Thanks for the read.
-Fin

* * *

*HKayG* A Runners Luck
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [6/10]
*Overall:* 13


A few mistakes stopped you from scoring higher on the spelling and grammar part.

Interesting use of the prompt and a fine read. It felt like it didn't live up to its potential though. The problem with such a small word limit is that it's hard to make the reader care. I don't know your character and I haven't been with her long. So I didn't share any of her anticipation, and I didn't really care what she could do, and you spent a paragraph telling me she was fast, etc. It was like those random parents who insist on telling you all of their child's accomplishments. Really, how often do you actually care? 

The story as a whole felt like an old plot that has barely been revised, with absolutely no type of twist. If you're going to do a short piece that's heavy on the action, you're going to have to make it more intense and less predictable. Before I got halfway through I could have told you that the girl was going to win her competition.

The second-to-last sentence in the fourth-to-last paragraph just confused the heck out of me. It killed any effect the risky stunt could have had otherwise.

A fine in-the-moment type of read. You did a great job of painting the scene out, too.
-Fin

* * *

*Cadence:* Me, with Lucy
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [9/10]
*Overall:* 17


Out of all the stories I've read so far, this one has made me think the most. Before I say anything else, I must thank you for the read.

I loved the beginning. It started out dull, but then came those three words that changed everything. 'Now it's burning.' From then until even after the ending, you had me. I couldn't wait to find out what was going on. When I got to the end, I found that it was up to me to make assumptions of what was going to happen. In this case -- and this is a difficult thing to accomplish -- it's not done in a bad way. 

There are several questions left unanswered. Why'd he do it? What type of guy is he? What on earth happened exactly? These unanswered questions can be bad for some, but in my case I really liked it. As I said, it got me thinking.

At some points, the portion of the scene seemed to end abruptly or could have been worded better, but given the word limit, it seems you had no choice but to do it the way you did. Example: 'She hugs me.' could have been said differently so that it seemed more interactive. But as you were very near the word limit, there wasn't much room.

Again, thanks for the read.
-Fin 

* * *

*bazz cargo:* Kung Shoe
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [6/10]
*Overall:* 12


Am I wrong when I assume that the name choice is not coincidental? Amusing entry. I had fun reading it. 

There was a missing letter or two, and a lower case where there should have been capitalization. I'm also unsure as to why the ka-pow stuff is in quotations. Other than that it was grammatically fine.
-Fin

* * *

*Noxicity:* Shoes
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [5/5]
*Effect:* [9/10]
*Overall:* 18


Good job. Really.

Your grammar and tone were both great. The only real negative thing to be said here is that I didn't see the significance in putting the word 'shoelessness' in italics. It gave me pause to wonder why you did it. It wasn't needed. It made the word stand out more than it needed to be. Personal preference though, I suppose.

As for the story. . . You did great there too. You made me care for this little boy in such a short amount of time. Often times - and this may not make much sense - characters seem like just characters. With your story, the characters felt like real people with real emotions. I felt the protagonist's pain and concern. I'm impressed that you were able to do that.

It's a memorable piece. Thank you for the read. I hope you return for future challenges.
-Fin

* * * 

*Sunny:* Wonder Wo
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [5/5]
*Effect:* [10/10]
*Overall:* 19


Another fantastic entry. It gave me chills. 

Tone and grammar/spelling were perfect. Only complaint I have is personal preference, as I've seen it done it books before. The full capitalization of the words 'DOWN' and 'OW'. Often when I see that, the writer simply isn't capable of making the dialogue speak for itself. You are not one of those writers. I see the skill needed to voice yelling without the use of capitalization. You've even demonstrated it in this very piece.

There's not much to say about the story, and that's not a bad thing. As I said, it gave me chills. The flow of the story seemed so natural and it felt like it was happening in the moment. You did a truthfully brilliant job, and I'm seriously impressed. As I said to the previous person, I hope to see you in future challenges too. You make it a pleasure to be a judge.

I liked to see that even the odd name choice was explained.

Thanks.
-Fin

* * *

*rubisco:*The Liberator of the Oppressed
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 16

Ha! What a fun, up-beat story! I love this character. He's so interesting in the weirdest possible way. He's so innocent and crazy and has some insane energy. I felt so connected to Bobby in that little amount of time, that at the end of the story I found myself asking, 'Oh great, what adventure is he going to go on today!'

You did a fantastic job with the scenery. Never once did I not have a clear picture of what was going on. 

Great job. Thanks for the read!
-Fin 

* * *

*lcg:* A Warm Welcome
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 15

Hmmm. The way you word things makes me wonder; is English your first language? Grammatical mistakes go throughout the story. I could have easily marked you lower in that category for it. Watch it in the future. There aren't any huge ones though, so it's okay. Some of them are as simple as the spacing. You also seem to have some troubles with seeing which words are one, and which are two. Example: 'Maybe' is one word. There's a place to use 'may be', but that place is not where you used it.

I had a feeling that Samantha wasn't kidding when she said she'd have to kill him. Though, it still gave me chills to see that she'd done it multiple times before. I like the ending style. You left it open. I wonder if, uh. . . ha! Just realized that he doesn't have a name! I wonder if Mr. No Named Protagonist will resist temptation with the house keeper, and I wonder how Samantha will feel about his wife. 

Wish I knew a little about how/why he left his wife though!

Good stuff!
-Fin

* * *

*eggo:* “Left Hanging”
*Spelling/Grammar:* [5/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [5/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* *18*

Spelling/Grammar and tone were absolutely perfect.

Great job with the dialogue. You gave each of your characters a distinct personality through it alone, with very little help from the speech tags. It's a difficult thing to accomplish for a lot of people.

Oh how I felt Harry's pain with all of those dang questions from the boy! Little description throughout the dialogue part of the scene, yet I still never lost the picture of where they were in my head.

I like how you used the prompt as a scary story to get the kid to shut up.

Again, great job with the dialogue.
-Fin

* * *

*apple:* Ugly Little Light Bulbs
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 14


The last line was brilliant. That fifteen year old is _huge_. A guy that big, acting that big of a childish fool made this story so much more amusing.

Didn't see any flaws in the grammar.

The biggest problem I have with this piece is just personal preference. I feel that good dialogue speaks for itself. Stuff like, 'I threatened in a guttural tone', and all of that capitalization really isn't needed. If you would have left out that line, I still would have very much understood that she was threatening him in a different tone. As for the capitalization . . . to me, it just makes your writing look obnoxious, rather than the boy. 

'You never let me have anything!' Those words combined with the exclamation point are all that was needed to tell me that he was yelling and acting childish. You had the same sentence in there, but will all caps. It really wasn't needed. You have to have faith in your dialogue. I see it in your writing - you got this. Some of the dialogue would need a little rewording, but in others, like the one I just gave as an example, you have it down perfectly.

Despite that, it was a fun story.
-Fin

* * *

*Bilston Blue:* A Streetcar ’neath the Wire
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 15

So many terms in this story are so foreign to me! I had to read this twice, because the first time I asked myself 'What did he just say? What does that even mean?' every other line.

It was a pleasant read once I passed the confusion stage.

Didn't see any grammar mistakes. 

I felt like the uncle out shined the protagonist in a lot of ways. I think I would have preferred to see him as the protagonist instead. 

It was a fun ride throughout the story.

Thanks. 
-Fin

* * *

*TheFuhrer02:* Deliverance
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [8/10]
*Overall:* 15

The first reaction from this story I got, was 'what the. . .' because of that first word. It's not common to mix languages like that here in the LM. Fortunately, I spent some time in Germany and know some of the language. Or at least enough to recognize it. So rather than taking me away from the story, it brought me in. Good job. 

The ending was good, but somewhat expected. I never felt too connected with the characters, but there's always something about the main people dying that gets me. Good choice on their deaths. It made the effect a lot more than it would have been otherwise.

Grammatically fine. Thanks for that. It pains me to have to give lower scores on great entries because of the grammar.

Thanks for the read.
-Fin

* * *

*ravensty:* Shoes on a Wire
*Spelling/Grammar:* [3/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [3/5]
*Effect:* [6/10]
*Overall:* 12

Ah, my expectations for this were a lot higher going into it. You did a good job reeling me in, but you took it in the wrong direction entirely, in my opinion. The 'Are they his?' part is what reeled me in. Heck, you could have even started the story off with those three words, and getting rid of the rest of the first paragraph.

The hard part about short stories and what a lot of people don't realize, is that you _have_ to make the reader care. Otherwise, there won't be any good effect from it. You didn't apply that to this story. It focused around a dead guy that we never knew. Sure, his guilt was there. But you didn't make me care about it. You could have done it better. 

You missed some punctuation.

Definitely didn't live up to its original potential, unfortunately. 
-Fin

* * *

*Guy Faukes* A Backyard Adventure
*Spelling/Grammar:* [4/5]
*Tone/Voice:* [4/5]
*Effect:* [7/10]
*Overall:* 15

Ha! You had me going for a while. I got it before you revealed it, but it was still fun. 'Wait. . . are these animals?' 

Before starting this, I saw that it was mostly dialogue. That itself brought me in, because it's difficult to make your characters feel real through dialogue alone. I wondered if you would be able to do it. Once I finished, I realized I can't even say how real the dialogue feels! They're animals, after all. But I will say that you could do a better job of giving them each their own personality. It was easy to understand who was talking, but the way they spoke was so similar to each other that they could of been talking to himself. 

You handled the prompt in a cute way.

It's grammatically fine.
-Fin


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## Jeko (Jul 24, 2012)

Wow. I never expected such a mixed range of scores. I got a 20! Woop!

Well done Garza!


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## Potty (Jul 24, 2012)

Cadence said:


> Wow. I never expected such a mixed range of scores. I got a 20! Woop!




That's the nice thing about having 4 different people judging it... not only do you get a range of scores, but a range of tastes and opinions.


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## Jeko (Jul 24, 2012)

> That's the nice thing about having 4 different people judging it... not only do you get a range of scores, but a range of tastes and opinions.



Like the X factor, only without the constant superlatives!

I'm thinking I might try doing something with my entry - the WIP I'm writing at the moment has a few similar characters and feelings to it. I'm glad I got the 'bleak' bit right...

By the way, how long do people usually spend on their entries? I feel like I should have spent more.


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jul 24, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners, especially to garza, who nets his second winning story in a row (or at least, IIRC... Can't remember correctly. All I'm sure is that he's been doing rather well in the LMs recently. ) All well-deserved.

As to the diversified views of the judges, I found that cool as well. It's a learning experience to hear different voices and how they interpret and give their opinion on your story. Thank you. I really learned a lot.


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## Bilston Blue (Jul 24, 2012)

Well done to everyone who entered, and thanks to the judges once more.

Garza, don't give us any of that "I can't write fiction, I haven't got the imagination" guff anymore. We now know you're just being modest.  :applause:


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## TheFuhrer02 (Jul 24, 2012)

Bilston Blue said:


> Garza, don't give us any of that "I can't write fiction, I haven't got the imagination" guff anymore. We now know you're just being modest.  :applause:



Seconded.


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## bo_7md (Jul 24, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners. 

A big thanks for the judges for the effort and great feedback.


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## HKayG (Jul 24, 2012)

Well done everyone! I'll be glad to be on the other side of the fence next time round


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## garza (Jul 24, 2012)

I've never been modest about anything in my life. My parents, my teachers, my editors, my friends, would all agree with the comment made by my fifth grade teacher. As for writing fiction, slowly I'm learning.

Thanks for all the kind words from the judges and everyone about 'Venus in Transit'. However, I want again to suggest that SPaG errors be specified. It's frustrating to see points off in that category and not have any idea why. 

And on the subject of 'Venus in Transit', I apologise for it ending up in Workshop. It was supposed to be in the competition thread.

Now, say 'SPaG errors specified' rapidly ten times.


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## Potty (Jul 24, 2012)

garza said:


> Now, say 'SPaG errors specified' rapidly ten times.



SPAG ERRORS SPECIFIED 
SPAG ERRORS SPECIDIED
SAPG EFFER NEFICIED
SPAGGERS PESTICIDE!
Can't do it.


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## Terry D (Jul 24, 2012)

garza said:


> I've never been modest about anything in my life. My parents, my teachers, my editors, my friends, would all agree with the comment made by my fifth grade teacher. As for writing fiction, slowly I'm learning.
> 
> Thanks for all the kind words from the judges and everyone about 'Venus in Transit'. However, I want again to suggest that SPaG errors be specified. It's frustrating to see points off in that category and not have any idea why.
> 
> ...



There were no SPaG errors in _Venus in Transit_.  The criteria for a '5' in the LM Adjudication sticky that I use as my guideline for judging suggests that for a '5' rating the story should go beyond technical flawlessness into more creative territory where sentence length, pacing, and punctuation are manipulated for added effect.  I didn't see that in your story.  I hope that helps.


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## garza (Jul 24, 2012)

Terry - Yes, that does help. At least I know you did not see any outright errors. 

I didn't realise the SPaG rating is so subjective. And it helps to know what I need to work on - punctuation, sentence length, and pacing. I did try, especially with the boy's half stutter at the start using full stops, and with the man/wife scene. You've given me something to chew on.


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## Terry D (Jul 24, 2012)

garza said:


> Terry - Yes, that does help. At least I know you did not see any outright errors.
> 
> I didn't realise the SPaG rating is so subjective. And it helps to know what I need to work on - punctuation, sentence length, and pacing. I did try, especially with the boy's half stutter at the start using full stops, and with the man/wife scene. You've given me something to chew on.



I don't know if getting creative with the SPaG could have improved your story.  As I mentioned in my general comments I consider _Venus in Transit_ one of the best bits of flash fiction I've read.  I think you could get it published easily in the right market.


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## garza (Jul 24, 2012)

I have in mind submitting it to the Stann Creek Valley Citrus report and Literary Review.


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## Fin (Jul 24, 2012)

Oh yeah, I'm the same as Terry. The only way you're getting a 4 from me in spelling and grammar is if there weren't any errors, and a 4 is what I gave you. 5 goes beyond.


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## Bilston Blue (Jul 24, 2012)

> So many terms in this story are so foreign to me! I had to read this twice, because the first time I asked myself 'What did he just say? What does that even mean?' every other line.
> 
> It was a pleasant read once I passed the confusion stage.



Hey, Fin

If you want to point out some of the terms that are foreign to you, I'd be happy to explain what they mean.


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## Fin (Jul 24, 2012)

Ah, don't worry about it. I've done my research and have them down now.


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## Bilston Blue (Jul 24, 2012)

Okay, no worries.


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## Mr mitchell (Jul 24, 2012)

Well done everyone.


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## eggo (Jul 24, 2012)

Thanks guys,



> The structure, with each sentence being its own paragraph, seemed a bit choppy to me.


  Really had to cut the guts out of this one to make it work.  I tend to write in this medium with big spacing for ease of reading.


  Thanks to all the judges, your hard work is something that really deserves the ribbons.


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## lcg (Jul 25, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners and thank u judges for taking out time to read and review it.


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## Jeko (Jul 25, 2012)

By the way, are the totla scores an average of the 4 individual judges' scores? If so, I think mines 16.25... unless my calculator is broken.


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## Fin (Jul 25, 2012)

Nah, you're right.

Edit: Now that you bring it up, eggo should have the same score as Sunny. 17.5


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## Jeko (Jul 25, 2012)




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## Potty (Jul 25, 2012)

Announcement!

Due to the person running the competition having a rather low mathematical IQ (Amongst other things), there has been a slight change to the outcome of this competition! 

Sunny and Eggo now tie for third place! So congrats to Sunny and please accept my apologies for my mistakes.

Thank you to Cadence and Fin for pointing it out.


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## Sunny (Jul 25, 2012)

WHAT? Forgive you? NeveeeeeeeeerrRRRRrrr! How dare you make a mistake like that. I am appalled at your incompetence! LOL 

I'm just kidding. I'd have the winner as the loser by my math skills, Aaaand I'd have someone who didn't even _write_ in the competition as the WINNER! LOL 

Thanks for giving me third. It's nice. I appreciate it.


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## Jeko (Jul 26, 2012)

Mine's still wrong...

Not that I care about the number. I do these things for the feedback.


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## garza (Jul 26, 2012)

Cadence - True. This is the one place where one is assured of getting feedback and, usually, very useful critique.


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## Evil Jennius (Jul 27, 2012)

Congratulations to the winners & well done everyone.


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## bazz cargo (Aug 10, 2012)

Terry D
 Thank you for an insightful review. I appreciate the work you put into the judging.  


 Mr Mitchel
 A helpful critique. The final line was written in such a way as to indicate a continuation of the imaginary fight.


 Fin
 I'm glad you found my little homage to Kyle amusing. The Ka-pow stuff was in quotes because Kyle was speaking out-loud. A young child's imagination in the raw.


 Congratulations to those who got ribbons.  
 Garza, Noxicity,  Bilston Blue, Eggo,  Sunny  and Cadence.  
 A big round of applause for everyone else. You all deserve a place.
 Well done Potty and Kyle.


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