# December 2014 - LM - Glass Eye - Scores



## Fin (Jan 3, 2015)

*LITERARY MANEUVERS*
Glass Eye



Thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Folcro, thepancreas11, Bruno Spatola and kilroy214 for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries.


*Scores*​
*Folcro**thepancreas11**Bruno Spatola**kilroy214**Average**Terry D*1416181616*Pluralized*131617.51615.62*InkwellMachine*1613161414.75*midnightpoet*1217159.513.37*Plasticweld*11141414.513.37*EmmaSohan*1016141313.25*InnerFlame00*1215141213.25*mrmustard615*1314131112.75*godofwine*1014141012*Ibb*121111910.75*rockoo315*71215910.75*Awanita*6131169*Sleepwriter*0000DQ[1]

[1]Word limit exceeded


Congratulations to our winner *Terry D* with his entry *Exhibit #1: From a Cell Phone Recording Found at the Scene.*
In second, we have *Pluralized* with his entry *Obelisk.*
And in third, we have *InkwellMachine* with his entry *Hard to pick which one they eat the most.*



Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for your time.

[spoiler2=Folcro’s scores]

The Glass Eye
Awanita

Grammar: 2
Voice: 1
Effect: 3
*Total: 6*

Where ever did the title come from, I wonder?

*Ha he laughed to himself part of me he thought, it’s just an old glass eye that been a pain in my ass most of my life: *You must see now why it's good to garnish thought with a different font, like italics. And I guess I'll assume the bad grammar in his thoughts is due to his own dimwittedness.

Try your best to avoid beginning a sentence (especially a paragraph) with any variation of "suddenly."

*The doctor placed the glass eye in the left socket; then handed him a mirror: *What was going through your mind when you placed that semi-colon there?

*This time was a more pleasant memory...:* The last memories seemed pleasant enough.

*The glass eye beamed the birth of all his six children:* Had to gloss over that one?

*The glass eye showed him his good and bad in life: *And that one too?

*Close your eye and sleep the glass eye will watch over you:* What does that even mean?

*...it simply read it is time to rest now:* Is this the Hal 9000?

Did you proofread this at all?

This feels like a bunch of notes for a story idea scrawled over several pages and just transferred to type for organization. There's hardly a story here, just a scene I can barely see, and a bunch of images I can't do much with. Of course, I can see the purpose: you're trying to cultivate the emotions of a man looking back at his life. Even then, though, was this eye really so precious to him that it projects these images? It was through his operational eye that he could see, so where is the significance of this glass eye that gets more airtime than the single sentence starring his six children?


rockoo315

Grammar: 3
Voice: 2
Effect: 2
*Total: 7*

Are you skimping on the titles because you're pulling these "Big Mike" stories from a larger work?

*I would listen to his heavy laboured breathing:* Pick one.

*I unwillingly accepted his invitation to hang out: *Unwillingly?

*I would’ve went home and wallowed in self pity: *Come on man, you can do better than that.

*I instinctively picked up the scent of pinesol: *Why instinctively? And Pinesol should be capitalized.

*absolute** indifference: *Stop putting such heavy emphasis on all your words. It has the opposite effect.

*You know, like it was somehow normal to have glass eyes lying around:* Oh, is that what indifference means? Thanks.

*A few awkward seconds elapsed before I had to ask the inevitable:* Just like screaming as loud as you can does not make a good actor, shoving as many big words into a story as you can does not make a good writer.

*“No, Mike, I am not familiar with a lifeless eye placed so elegantly on top of your temple of stored food. Please enlighten me why I should know this glass eye,” I said:* I really hate this character.

*"Come on, dude...":* And I'm to believe this sentence comes from the same guy.

This was a heavy chore to read. And the root of the problem isn't hard to pinpoint: it's staring right at me in the date of submission: the very same day the contest began. You had two more weeks and you needed them, at the very least to think up a title, or hell, the time to have a glance at your results from November's contest (only another two days' wait). 

If I were you, I would remind myself in the future that there are four people who are obliged to read this, and many other people who deserve better from what is expected to be a finished product. This was thrown together and it shows.


The Agency
godofwine

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Total: 10*

*Robin twisted around in her chair, glared at the man standing in front of her and slammed her palms on the desk:* At first, the underlined portion (particularly by virtue of the word "around") makes it sound like Robin is going round and round in her chair shouting "weeeeee!" Specificity is preferable here, and "turned" is a far preferable word to "twisted"

*"I got clipped in the*…": Was he cut off or was he hesitating to finish the sentence? Because it sounds like he was about to say he got clipped in the butt. If he was cut off, end the sentence in a dash instead of an ellipsis.

*“I don’t give a shit about your injuries! He should have finished the job!”:* Pick one. The second sentence sounded confusing at first, because it had already been disconnected from Henry's line through the first sentence, and I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. Cut the first sentence in this line. It's useless anyway.

*"Remember the sniper we had in the Corps back in Fallujah...": *Stop. I'm just sinking into this story I don't need another shoehorned into the expository dialogue. He trained the trainers, I get it, let's leave Fallujah for another round.

Do people really say "SOB"? Twice?

Here's your problem with this story: *Henry and Douglas made eye contact moments before an explosion rocked the building emanating from Robin’s office down the hall and all hell broke loose: *See, by the time you got to the interesting part, you only had five words left.


Exhibit #1: From a Cell Phone Recording Found at the Scene
Terry D

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

I liked the description of the old man's dying, but I feel you hammered in the "he's homeless so he doesn't have a life, right?" bit. Could have been more nuanced, especially considering this particular subject gets more visits than any dying old man.

*“His voice was weak when he talked at me, a’most a whisper, an’ blood trickled from the corner of his mouth as he said, ‘It’s… your… eye now… punk.’ I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let go, and Nick and Deshawn were laughin’ their asses off, so they weren’t gonna help: *I actually found this amazing. Every word of it, every idea behind it. The way the old man looked at him, his choice of words, the reaction of his friends. There was nothing _in-your-face_ about it. It's just what was happening. It was so believable, so normal, yet so unnatural. A powerful paragraph.

When he started dreaming, I think it would have been better had he dreamed of what was building up to the old man's death. Instead of the actual kicking, the fear of being approached by three men he knew were trouble, of being thrown to the ground after a lifetime of similar treatment by everybody, from lowlifes like these to kings. Limits acknowledged, of course.

And perhaps, when he tore his eyes out, not only could he still see the visions, but now the visions were all that he could see.

I don't like dialect. I'm gonna jump right out and say that now. Unless it's subtle, I would prefer word choice and sentence structure be used to develop the character, but that's taste. I get sick to death of apostrophes after too long. And of course, writing entirely in quotes is always a clever way to protect yourself from grammar penalties.

A solid story, as I can usually expect from you. No big mistakes, and a few powerful moments. You worked with the limitations, and wasted very few words.


Agent in a trap
mrmustard515

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

*Sam Green of the FBI glared at his captor as he lay in his death trap struggling to escape from what looked like a giant mouse trap: *At least he wasn't struggling to escape that sentence.

*Sam was desperately left to his own devices: *Really? Because Gluberg didn't seem desperate at all. I'm pretty sure he actually rather _confidently_ left Sam to his own devices.

*He was a clever agent who had been through similar death traps, always able to escape in the nick of time: *Believe it or not, we actually knew that already.

You explain that James--- I mean Sam--- has something in his underwear, and then describe his pulling that thing out of his underwear. Why not cut straight to his pulling that thing out of his underwear?

You adorn this man with as many shiny adjectives as he probably has medals.

*This time he retrieved a special substance that could melt steel without hurting his hands: *So why the hell didn't you just oh forget it.

It actually occurred to me why a villain always has to tell the agent how much time he has, and how funny it would be if he were fooling him, wondering if in fact that might have been the little twist you were leaning all of this on. It was. I'm glad. You could have made it more subtle by not hammering in how "clever" the "crafty agent" was.


A Foreign Place
Bob Brown

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 4
*Total: 11*

Don't start a story with a cliché.

*My mother’s voice brought me back, back into the reality of the moment:* I thought you had already been jolted back to reality? Did you mean "_had_ brought me back"?

*Having only recently been exposed to the modern world, after living a very simple life with only the basics: *Following the comma, you have a redundancy ("with only the basics") of a redundancy ("after living a very simple life"). Everything before the comma was sufficient.

*A cell phone or the micro wave oven still astonish her: *I would have put it something like "The microwave (one word) oven astonished her, let alone the smartphone. I don't think she could comprehend the latter as to even be astonished by it." Instead of arbitrarily throwing the two next to each other, this gives dimension to her perspective through the eyes of her son, perhaps enabling us to better empathize with her (or with his empathizing with her, as it were).

*more out of stubbornness than practicality: *So practicality was still a part of it then? It seemed to me it was pure stubbornness.

*She is not a hillbilly or backwards but very bright:* She's not a hillbilly. Not by any means. (assuming you're not afraid of offending our neighbors in the hills).

*She turned her back on everything and just never looked back: *Pick one. Good writing is knowing what to include. Great writing is knowing what to take away.

*It has been tough on both of us, the week I collected my first social security check she moved in with me. No longer capable of taking care of herself, she ended up with me:* I'm sure you could have fused this into one sentence? Perhaps you have some tone design here, but it is not working.

*“I don’t know… I feel like a voyeur, a Peeping Tom, sneaking into their lives and looking at their photos. I can’t believe they share all those personal thoughts for everyone to read. Don’t they have any modesty?”: *Hm... it seems like she already knows Facebook quite well. It seems to me such cynicism comes when one learns those nuances associated with Facebook and the internet. Maybe granny's insightful. It still feels like she's contrived to make a point.

*I can tell she is more comfortable with this part of the internet:* Oh, granny's a good little marketing pawn isn't she? WF GOOD. FB BADDDD.

Cute.


The Storm
Sleepwriter



*when the clouds began to darken and the lightning strikes charged the air:* The lightning strikes? As in _the_ lightning strikes? Surely you don't mean... THE lightning strikes???

*causing the hair on my arms to stand up:* With the wind blowing against it?

*The storm consumed the blue sky, turning it to inky blackness:* I figured the blue sky was all gone by this point, what with the lightning and all.

Be mindful of clichés. Hair standing up, heart skipping beats, both in one paragraph, the opening paragraph no less. Watch it.

*My brain went into preservation mode and shut down, so I wouldn’t remember how much pain I was in as every nerve ending in my body screamed in agony: *I'm not sure that's how it works... if the brain shuts down, how can your body scream in agony? Unless you meant the pain just knocked you out, in which case... just say the pain knocked you out.

What's with all the computer comparisons? It's annoying.

*I told myself it would be okay:* Well that took a lot of coaxing.

So what exactly... happened? I didn't see a story here as much as the recounting of a nonsensical event. The lightning scene was harrowing, but could have been written with more of a panicky tone (yours was a little passive--- words like "as" and "I decided" hardly belong in a scene where the reader's heart should be pounding). And again, it didn't help that there was no payoff.


Staying Sane
Emma Sohan

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 3
*Total: 10*

Really? Because I don't think having a glass eye is that bad. People don't cast you out for that kind of thing anymore, unless I suppose you happen to occupy that sort of area, but this seemed to be one of those outcast stories where people are one dimensional and the guy who doesn't get dates even though he's famous makes the audience feel bad for him.

To me, it's contrivance.

I believe I know what you were going for: feel happy for him because he's able to make the best out of a bad situation but sorry for him because he still isn't treated the same. Well the duality does not exist for me because I do not feel sorry for him at all. If he's not getting dates, it's because he doesn't want them. And maybe that one girl doesn't want to fuck him because of the manner of his introduction, not because he is different.

Yes, I find outcast stories are turning less and less of an effect on me. They have to be believable and writers just aren't trying hard enough on them. Maybe you'll learn to bring life back to this subject yet. We'll see.


"Hard to pick which one they eat the most"
InkwellMachine

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

Nine out of ten writers would have handled the same description of your character's thoughts tediously, cramming in detail through awkward syntax. You keep it flowing and understandable, better, relatable, without the groaning "oh, another guy writing about this again". You elude such groans and make me listen.

*For while she kept staring: **sigh*

*Beyond that it was all mechanical: *I would have chosen a more subtle word.

There's nuance here, and I can never encourage that enough. Her fake eye, coupled with our knowledge of a husband who was a freak, connecting the type of freak to her story about Marilyn Manson, spills many implications and ominous conclusions, even predictions.

There wasn't a whole lot here, but you employed a practice not enough writers find marketable enough to bother with. Maybe they're right, but I, for all it's worth, will give the encouragement wherever and whenever I can.


The Glass Eye
InnerFlame00

Grammar: 4
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

Odd, I could have sworn I'd seen that title in this contest before... Coincidence?

*...an insubstantial blackness: *I need a little more, or a little less.

*My terminal diagnosis was the last straw:* At first I thought you meant the diagnosis on your terminal. Quite a thing to just gloss over, init?

*I steeled myself and plunged in:* I really didn't think this cliché could have been made any more annoying, thank you.

*All at once my senses were assaulted:* But you're already about to describe that, or did you think your 'show' wasn't good enough so your preemptive 'tell' would fill in the gaps? Remove this sentence, and just do a better job describing how her senses are being assaulted.

*In its’ place was a barren wasteland: *Thank you so much for that clarification. I might otherwise have thought you meant a "lush" wasteland pocked with black marks and craters.

*“Where am I?” I croaked: *You _what_?

*By eliminating it we hoped that the conflict between the nations who wanted to exploit the Eye would finally cease:* Well that's an awkward time to shoehorn in why the hell this idiot's trying to destroy the eye in the first place.

Honestly though, right before this line, I asked myself "wait, why is he even trying to destroy it?" and apparently you did too. This is a time to go back to the _beginning_ and _work_ that idea in.

*"Could I help?":* Well why else do you think I was  dumping all this exposition on you, dummy?

The story didn't arch. It's a shame, because I actually feel there was room for it to. But in every way the story could have arched, in every way it _started_ to, but all progress came to a stop. That's my biggest problem with the story: it didn't end, it stopped. There was no character revelation, aside from the beginning of a revelation when he enters the eye, there was no growth, even though we had a character with a goal, there was no plot, even though we had the making of one.

This is a common case of "it belongs in a bigger story." Too big for 650 words.


Gertrude
midnightpoet

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 4
*Total: 12*

A woman named Gertrude has provocative hips and an ample bosom?

*It didn’t take long for her to attract attention*: I thought she already had, no? "Curious eyes watched her every step."

I've seen another story here talking about how the "glass-eyed" are outcast. I docked no points for it directly, as I won't you, but is glass-eyeaphobia really an ongoing problem? The places I've been, people would find it fascinating before getting bored of it. I don't know, maybe there are places where this happens, it just doesn't seem believable to me.

So... she turns out to be a serial killer in the closing paragraph... kay. Would have been a _little_ cooler if that man turned out to be Tommy, full circle and all that, but... kay.


Ghosts
Ibb

Grammar: 5
Voice: 2
Effect: 5
*Total: 12*

The first paragraph was confusing. While you tease us with the pronoun game, you throw in some (unnecessarily) long sentences , like what we all do with a trick of the mind, or all the things Rufus's mother is doing when she blinks something away.

*enjoying the soft warmth of it:* Soft warmth? I'd probably want to give that hand a squeeze myself just to find out what that is. Unless you were describing the object as soft _and_ warm, which it didn't sound like.

*experiencing the mild vertigo that is felt when one rushes himself, only briefly, into that foreseeable future wherein the scene he stands observing rests not the observed, but the observer replaced; the people changed, the words altered, but all the sights remaining: *Whaaaaaaaaaa?

*Rufus blinked—the spot vanished: *I like this idea. Creepy. Invasive. Good.

*a shadow rose up before him:* Now, you're _sure_? Is there any way it may in fact have rose _down_?

*Gone before Timothy could know her, she existed for him only through the stories Rufus had shared, and it was inevitable that much of what she became in them she’d become in Rufus’ memories as well, hungered for so often, the nourishment of his son’s soul as well his own, that who she was had been forgotten, and what she’d become concreted forever: *This sounds like the hastily-scrawled summary of five paragraphs.

*hovering as though elevated inches off the sheets: *Hovering inches off the sheets.

*he saw instead a depthless circle, burrowed...:* Borrowed? How deep?

This took me a while to read; the oddity was part of it, but more so was the complexity of the writing. It didn't need to be as flowery as it was.

Nailed the grammar though.


Obelisk
Pluralized

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 4
*Total: 13*

*Among the housing towers and concrete office buildings, there stood right in the center of the city a black heart whose throbbing commanded a myriad of souls:* The city wouldn't per chance happen to be Washington, would it?

...Now I'm thinking Meccah.

*luxurious heavenly rewards would await. If they could only get their hands on the stones:* That's what I keep trying to tell her.

*He walked slowly forward, feeling the cold metal of the machine gun in his right hand: *What was he going to do with that?

*“But never intentionally.”:* Well, you seem to carry that god damn gun everywhere, I can't say I'm surprised.

This seems like a Muslim remake of that Apple advertisement from '83, the one about 1984. Didn't catch why he was running back out to join them, or everything that was actually going on, I don't think. I got a little Southpark, a little Mass Effect, that commercial I mentioned, and giggled at the sex humor a few times. Good grammar propelled you above average, the rest for me was just meh.


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=thepancreas11’s scores]

*Awanita
The Glass Eye
Overall: 13
*

I give you just near full marks on effect here. Never would I have thought of something like this; yet another reason why judging gives you insight that simple reading does not. What did I like? Well, the idea that something foreign, something that feels _apart_ from him has become _a part _of him.

You stumble over grammar and sentence structure. Separate his thought from the paragraph and either put it in quotations when he’s thinking or italics to let us know when the thought starts and ends. You have some wonky sentences too, so try reading this aloud to tidy them up.

Good first entry. Things can only get better from here, and that’s quite promising for you, then.

 
*rockoo315
Untitled
Overall: 12
*


I guess that’s friendship for you. I don’t really understand what happened, whether he killed her or slept with her and took her eye. I can assume, but I wish you’d given me a bit more to work with there.

I loved the level of detail, the small things like what’s on the TV and the porno couch. I thought those things brought with them a level of reality that I always enjoy in these things. I just think you overdo it at some points. The coming home from Norway thing that really never got explained, for example.

I thought you overdid it on the vocab, too. You chocked this all full of adjectives and large verbs, and they really interfered with the natural voice that works so well in most stories, one like this, especially. When you use too many, none of them pop, and then everything gets bogged down, in my opinion.

Just dial it back, and you have a better score here.

 
*godofwine
The Agency
Overall: 14
*

You’ve definitely grown, but that comes with some growing pains, some obvious things that seem to happen to every writer as they go out into the big world.

Way to keep the exposition light. You really tuck in that information such that we barely notice we’ve read it; clever way to introduce us to the antagonist, by the way. I thought a lot of what you did had subtlety and a certain kind of simple that works for action-packed things. This was mostly dialogue, and I can get behind stories with that build if they’re done well. This one is almost there.

I think everything just fell into a “blah”-zone for me. Nothing really kicked up my sense of fear or anger. I didn’t know how to feel about this guy. You could do a better job of building up him rather than the sniper or this angry lady at the beginning. Why do we hate him? Because he escaped? Escaped from what?

Also, “Henry and Douglas made eye contact moments before an explosion rocked the building emanating from Robin’s office down the hall and all hell broke loose.” I think this sentence speaks for a lot of your writing: I think you could say this very same thing in several sentences, each one short, each one about half the words you took to say here. I think that would just speak so much louder.

 
*Terry D
Exhibit #1
Overall: 16
*


You must be one of the most talented writers on the site. Creativity, completeness, morality, they all speak from you dialogue here. I don’t have to see the scene to know how it happened, to imagine it myself. You do a great job of expositing in such a way that the information seems in place.

Two things got me.

I saw some inconsistencies in the voice. He’s clearly some kind of ruffian or vagabond, but he describes things like the blood falling heavy from his face. That’s a bit too poetic, a bit to out of place, and there are other lines that kind of follow that vein. If you’re going to kind of dumb it down, you have to go full out.

I wish someone had tried to stop him on the phone. I didn’t take points for that, I just feel like that would have created a bit more tension. I didn’t get that horrible buildup that I would have liked.

Still, a damn shot cooler than your average story.

 
*InnerFlame00
The Glass Eye
Overall: 15
*


I like the way you set things up. Normally, I’m crawling all over a piece that gets information heavy, but you have a way of using the narrator to make these spurts of personal history seem not only pertinent but fun. It’s the light nature in which you introduce important things, the terminal diagnosis, for example, how you somewhat offhandedly mention it.

I wanted to see more where he was, what he was doing when he got to the future. Thin out the info just a bit to give yourself room to play with the most active and curious scenes, and your story will carry so much more weight. The destructive bomb felt like an afterthought because of it.

Still, a valiant effort for a newer entrant. These stories can be difficult to write with their word count limit.

 
*Agent in a Trap.
mrmustard15
Overall: 14
*


Nicely done. A dash of humor, a twist of twist, and a healthy dose of tension make for a fun story to read. Whatever might be said about your writing, I always enjoy it, and that’s a compliment to your persistent ability to write active sequences with intricate plot points, things like the utility pouch and its silly blow-torch.

The story would read better if you wrote in more active prose, though. I see a lot of “was”s in there, a sure sign that you’ve gotten too passive. The more diverse verb-usage, the more interesting the story is, I find.

Show me Gluberg’s diabolical qualities. The best part about Bond is that his villains have such rich character, and they banter back and forth with him. You get a sense of who they are from what they say. Take a page out of that book, mustard.

 
*A Foreign Place
Plasticweld
Overall: 14
*


Aw, that was cute. Your stories often have a relatable human feel to them. I read them and think, “I could see that happening in my life.” People enjoy reading things about themselves or about their realities, especially when they’re veiled in the light of fiction. You make me realize things about myself when I read your stories; I can see why you’ve become quite a story-teller in your life.

The tense changes tripped me up a bit, if I noticed anything. You keep swinging back and forth between past and present. Pick one tense and go with it consistently. If you want to write in the present, a tricky task, no doubt, make sure that you have clear delineations between chunks of memory and chunks of current space.

I would like to see a little less exposition at the beginning too. I think flash fiction presents the chance to steal a little snippet out of real life to accentuate a moral or talking point. For that, you need more of a storyline and less backstory.

Still, a very enjoyable story.

 
*The Storm
Sleepwriter

*


Oh. That escalated quickly.

Quite a sensory adventure you’ve got us on. I love how you use so much more than sight to make things crackle and hum. The hair on my arm stood on end too (although, when you repeated that phrase, it did kill the momentum). I felt for this gentleman and his plight because I could place myself at the scene.

Lots of “was doing” stuff phrases. Cut that and make the verb just past tense, and it’ll all sound so much more terrifying, I find.

Also, not sure where you took the end there. I don’t know why the narrator just stabbed himself in the eye. Scary to have that black thing, but my natural reaction would not be to jab a knife in there, you know?

Solid effort. Near the top of my list in scores, actually.

 

*Staying Sane
EmmaSohan
Overall: 16
*


I always try to squeeze extra meaning out of my words; I rarely do this well, Emma. It’s touching and funny, real and compelling. The character has a consistent voice, a mission, and a strong point of view.

I took off for a couple of errors but mostly for a lack of strong narrative. You kind of hopped around, enough that nothing really stuck with me. I wish you had stuck with one go, or if you were going to do something like this, that you ended with something more conclusive.

You grow with every competition, Emma. Good to see.

 
*Hard to pick up which one they eat the most.
InkwellMachine
Overall: 13
*


I mean, obviously, you’re a great writer. The rhythm, the grammar, the natural, easy flow, they all lend themselves to a very complete flash, and one worthy of praise.

It feels unfinished to me. I don’t know who she is, what they’re real relationship is, or how to feel about this skull-fucking business. I don’t know what that leads to, and I think you play a bit too coy with the elements of the story we’re supposed to take with us. I just think you could really use a conclusion here.

I really like your stuff, though. This might be a bit uncharacteristic for my reactions to your things.

 
*Gertrude
midnightpoet
Overall: 17
*


The beginning and the end would have gotten you a 20, in my eyes. I think the level of detail, the way you use it, it really characterizes Gertie. It’s always impressive to see a writer do something like this. Also, that twist…yikes. Love it.

The exposition in the middle kept you from getting full marks. I thought that could have been conveyed some other way.

 
*Ghosts
Ibb
Overall: 11
*


Really, I think it’s well written technically, it just confused me. You didn’t really focus on any one character or any one story, and the timeline felt forced. I think you need to just pick one story, stick with that and write it.

 
*Pluralized
Obelisk
Overall: 16
*


I always like your metaphors. They always seem to say exactly what you want them to, a difficult task, I think. Too often, people force something to be vivid; not so, here.

If anything, I would want a bit more in depth plot. Jeru’s character really just doesn’t have much to it because we don’t spend very much time with him, and we don’t really spend a lot of time with the crowds, either. We just see a lot of talking about them.

It’s still really well written, though, so I gave it some good points.



[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=Bruno Spatola’s scores]

_*The Glass Eye*_
*by Awanita*

SPaG: 3
Tone & Voice: 3
Effect: 5
Overall: *1**1*

Lovely concept, here. The idea of this glass eye 'showing' the dying man the highs and lows of his life is pretty mad, but interesting. You put a creative spin on the prompt.

I developed a small bond with the main character. Your inputting of little details like him losing his good figure in the glass eye's vision gave him a real mass and voice. I believed it; I could see it.

In terms of storytelling, I feel there are too many clichés, such as, “He remembered it like it was yesterday,” and, “All of a sudden.” There are subtler ways of moving a story forward, which I'm sure the majority of keen readers would prefer. Well-worn phrases add little to fiction, in my opinion. If you remove them and nothing changes, that's a sign . . . to me, anyway.

If I had to nitpick, it would be regarding the eye itself. There's no explanation of how a simple artificial eye exhibits the uncanny ability to retain information, and relay it to its host when they're on the brink of death. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not easy to accept at face value – it's not like it's a murderer's eye implanting dark thoughts, it's hollow. I had to hold back a lot of questioning looks. Perhaps a different narration style could counter that, such as being from the perspective of a knowledgeable gatherer of weird artifacts telling us the story of 'the eye.' Still, I am a sucker for bonkers imagery, and you provided; some nice stuff in there.

On the technical side, I ran into some problems. The spelling's fine, but there are consistent run-on sentences, some mixed tenses in places, and a general lack of punctuation. I found it very hard to read, which let it down. Flow is vital to a reading experience.

Ultimately, I liked the story. Thanks for the read!


*Untitled*
*by Rockoo315*

SPaG: 3.5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 6.5
Overall: *15*

The situation between Big Mike and the main character is one a lot of people find themselves in at some point; a companionship based on having no-one else better to hang around with, rather than being mutually compatible in any way. You made Mike particularly easy to detest of the two. A wheezing, stinking blob of a man, with a terrible nickname! A possible killer, too . . . watching _Reno 911_. Who the hell _is_ this guy? I pray I never meet someone similar.

I was fully into the story and quite curious to see how it turned out, until the ending. I feel like it soured things a bit – brought the story to a place that didn't match what led up to it. Why did Mike have that girl's glass eye, exactly? Two explanations occur to me. *The simple one:* he killed her and took it as a trophy. *The interesting/funny one*: he stole it somehow, just for laughs. To me, the latter makes more sense given the jaded natures these characters possess. It would have even been a milestone in their friendship; something that made the reader say, “Maybe he's fun to be around after all.” It's not touched upon, though, so it reads in a weaker “ta-dah” kind of way. 

Still, I like that these two guys who probably hate each other and themselves are doomed to rot in each other's company. I feel there's a better story for them to inhabit, but this was a decent introduction to 'em. 

I enjoyed your descriptions in general, e.g: “porno red.” Some made me confused, such as saying a room smelled like, “cheap hookers.” I find that vague, and maybe even impossible to know from a smell. “Cheap hookers' perfume,” makes more sense to me, but it's no big deal.

There were some minor errors, such as three exclamation marks in a row, a missing word, a jumbled line, and a lack of question marks in some dialogue. Nothing page-burning, though; 'twas consistent.

Thanks for the read.


_*The Agency*_
*by God of Wine*

SPaG: 5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: *1**4*

Clean writing, here; the smoothest I've seen of yours, by a fair bit. It was certainly easy to read, and taking care with your words goes a long way with me. Nice work.

The story, sadly, had little effect on me. To be blunt, I found myself waiting for something to happen, but nothing being said surprised or interested me. Same goes for the characters saying it: they're copies of each other. That makes sense considering their profession, but doesn't make for riveting fiction. I guess I wanted more colour; more action, instead of grey reality. Accuracy and details are great, but with only 650 words to play with, that's best reigned in IMO. 

We're told that this guy they're after is really smart and dangerous, but he's given such little attention or back story that I didn't have room to care or think about it much. All I know is he was one of them, but that's only half the story; _why_ is he doing this? Do he and Henry have history? Was he screwed over by Robin? He's bigged up in this Kurtzian manner, and then the story finishes.

The all-seeing eye on the window was kind of on the nose, for me. It's the only thing related to the prompt, and has zero effect on the story. It felt like an afterthought. 

The writing itself is decent. There's plenty of clichés, which I'm not a fan of, but it serves the piece well enough, and flows just fine. Outside of one punctuation error, it's flawless. 

Thanks for the read.


_*Exhibit #1: From a Cell Phone Recording Found at the Scene*_
*by Terry D*

SPaG: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 8
Overall: *1**8*

Damn, this was gritty. Not because of the blood and 'fucks', but the simple violence of it; the act of murder, in black and white, with haunting consequences. The strong imagery helped, of course. My favourite part was probably the MC's dream, which turned my opinion of the story around – I didn't really like it until I saw a flash of regret in his empty soul.

People getting their comeuppance is one of my favourite ways to twist stories, and I especially enjoy the ironic variety, such as you implemented here. 'An eye for an eye', as they say. I smiled with glee when his world started to crumble.

One note that rang a touch out of tune for me was the reason for these boys being in the woods with an elderly homeless man. Just for the thrill of the kill, I assume? Good or bad, that made the story seem somewhat “just because,” but it matches the senselessness of what transpired. Why the glass eye had a genuine bearing on events is also a mystery to me (if it did). That's left untouched. I prefer to imagine the guy psyched himself into a deadly spiral of guilt rather than being influenced supernaturally. Both work well, though – it's left fairly open. These aren't questions that _must_ be answered. Curiosity tends to get the better of me.

Technically, it's good. I couldn't keep a flow with the abundant apostrophes and ellipses at times. It's justified, considering the title, though I did have to read the story thrice for absolute clarity. It's harder to ease me into certain styles within 650 words. I'm a slow reader, in that way. 

Anyway: great read. I always have room to learn from you. 


_*Agent in a *__*T*__*rap*_
*by Mr. Mustard 615*

SPaG: 4
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 5
Overall: *13*

The thing I liked most of all was the fact the agent completely failed in every way. He was rubbish. That's been done dozens of times in movies – _The Naked Gun, The Man Who Knew Too __Little__, Johnny English_, _The Pink Panther_, etc – but it still works. I love that Gluberg just cheated, too. Why even bother with an elaborate trap in the first place? Just kill him! 

Clearly, the playful/villanous tone is a throwback to classic James Bond cheese, and sketch show parody. Impossible to take seriously, of course, and if it's not the reader's type of humour – me, in this case – it can go either way. I found it harmless, but not the most stimulating. It's such well-tread territory that the prose needs to be particularly different to inspire an emotion, otherwise mild amusement is the best possible outcome. 

I feel like the story is in a weird limbo-state between comedy and reality; not quite silly enough to bring out the inner child, not quite sharp enough in its parodying to stand out. More time to bake it would prove beneficial, I believe, but it was an enjoyable read. 

I noticed a couple of errors, such as five periods in an ellipsis instead of three. It's '. . .', or sometimes four periods are used in very specific situations, but never five as far as I know. “He took another look at. . .” 

The phrase, “Sweet dreams,” was capitalized, also. Not sure why, unless a reference to the Eurythmics! Some missing commas here and there. Some repetition, e.g: “Within seconds,” “Steely.” Odd phrasing, such as, “*Looked* at the helpless agent *through* his *glass eye*.” That makes it sound functional, but it's a basic prosthetic (unless bionic).

Could have been smoother, but not bad at all. Thanks for the read, sir. Stay silly!


_*A Foreign Place*_
*by **Plasticweld*

SPaG: 4
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 5
Overall: *14*

The descriptions of the mother are well written, and very sweet. She felt real to me; I could feel her touching my own hand, in a way. Those are my favourite moments: her blue veins, her child-like speech, her quizzical feelings toward technology. Nicely done.

The relation to the prompt is a bit loose. I'm not saying your story wasn't inspired by it, but it feels like you'd already written this and plonked the 'glass eye' thing in there later. I mean, the son knows it's called a 'lens', surely? It's much more likely that the mother would refer to it as an eye – _she's_ the technophobe, after all. A smoother implementation of the prompt is possible, is all. 

The son's explanations weren't the most helpful, either; I think he confused her more, but that did make me chuckle. 

I liked the Writing Forums cameo, even though it felt out of place. I'm wondering if some of the tech-allergic members inspired this more than 'Glass Eye' did? Interesting, if so! Write what you know, as they say. 

I don't enjoy being negative, but the reason I gave a five for effect was that nothing really happened. The son character isn't the most interesting narrator, and the peak of the story is them looking at a message board. From the mum's perspective, that would be much more engaging – inside the head of someone trying to wrestle with technology. Neural pathways creaking open to absorb new info! I guess I don't think the son is needed.

Punctuation isn't perfect. I saw full stops instead of commas before dialogue tags, and the comma usage in general doesn't read so naturally. The piece could flow better, but 'tis a foible easily worked out.

Nice story, though. I am fond of the mother character; she pulls it all together. I would have removed the son and focused on her entirely. She's highly readable. 

Thanks for the read, sir.


_*The Storm*_
*by Sleepwriter*



I think all solid stories can be condensed into a synopsis – something that should reflect the piece quite well, in terms of catching your interest, and describing the gist of it. Applying that to this story is an easy way for me to explain my scoring. In short: there's an unnamed character on a bike, alone in the desert (for reasons unknown); there's a terrible storm, and he takes refuge by burrowing in the sand; he is struck multiple times by lightning, and his eyeball is turned to glass from the melting sand (I assume).

That last bit is cool – I've never heard, read, or seen it happening before – but nothing else of note really happens. It comes across like a story your Grandpa would tell you, but without the embellished bits to make the kids squeal. What's happening in the story is insanely loud and frightening, yet that doesn't register in the writing. I'm merely informed of what occurred, you know? A more even balance of showing and telling could help that, plus an injection of energy. The piece is mainly telling.

I would attempt to add some depth to the main character, too. Give him a stronger presence in the story – a history, a job, etc. Simply knowing a little about your MC can change the whole tone of a story to the reader. If I care about them, I care if they succeed or fail, and live or die. Writers enjoy creating fictional victims to abuse, I know, but it's nice to latch onto some trait, good or bad, to make you want to invest your time.

I noticed one error: “I pushed my bike to *it’s* limit.” That should be “its” limit. No apostrophe. It's perfect, outside of that. Very clean indeed!

I apologize for the lack of positives in this critique. That's not because I think it's bad; it's _far_ from that, and the way you implemented the glass eye was certainly interesting/weird.

Thanks for the read.


_*S*__*taying Sane*_
*by Emma Sohan*

SPaG: 4.5
Tone & Voice: 3.5
Effect: 6
Overall: *1**4*

I really dug the concept of the story. People turning their disabilities into advantages appeals to me on a personal level – I do it every day – so I was bound to appreciate it, in that sense. I can see someone becoming a YouTube sensation this way, which is a very modern idea for a story. Kudos.

I didn't like the main character that much, though; kinda arrogant, and he seems to make more problems for himself than is necessary. He talks as if he's the tragic phantom of the opera, when in fact a glass eye isn't _that_ disfiguring. Showing it to everyone all the time and pranking people is bound to make things worse, but I do understand that mindset – my mother's friend had a glass eye and would freak classmates out.

The writing itself is a bit matter of fact, for my taste. There's no particular style to it, which isn't necessarily bad, but something I felt made it lifeless. The MC's quasi-droning didn't help that. It wasn't _Catcher in the Rye_ annoying, just in need of some colouring. 'Colouring' is probably the best way I can describe it, actually – that's my opinion of what the piece needs, overall. It's still solidly written.

Technically, there were one or two errors: a typo, and four periods in an ellipsis.

Anyhoo, thanks for the read! Neat idea.


_*Hard to Pick Which One They Eat Most*_
*by InkwellMachine*

SPaG: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 6
Overall: *1**6*

Good dialogue and internal thoughts, here. A lovely and natural style of writing that gave normality a poetic layer of fuzz it tends to lack. I think you're one of the best on the site, in many ways. Nice to see that consistency follows you around! 

Unfortunately, although I appreciated it in a technical sense, the story itself didn't heighten or evoke any emotions in me. Perhaps that's to do with me feeling the interpretation of the prompt is straightforward; I'd have preferred something more off the wall (skull-fucking aside).

It's not the most interesting conversation to begin with, in my view, which hasn't changed in hindsight. I'm betting that's intentional, but I never cared where it was going, as a result, because these characters moped and limped their way to the end. The things that stood out about them were a glass eye, and a semi-mutual appreciation of Marilyn Manson.

The guy's been told he has poor social skills. Maybe more direct exposure to that side of him would make it more entertaining – funny, even. To me, of course. There's nothing wrong with realism, it's just a preference. Small talk can't outgrow itself.

I still loved the writing. Thanks for the read! 


_*The Glass Eye*_
*by InnerFlame00*

SPaG: 4
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: *1**4*

Interesting concept. I'm a huge _2001_ fan, and this had similarities at the base level: an ancient object that has been with humans since the beginning, for reasons unknown; from sources not found; and with consequences not understood. 

I wanted to know about it, certainly. You had me gripped, such is my constant need for information. It never goes anywhere, though; I was as confused as everyone else! I feel like you created the puzzle before the solution, if there is one. Perhaps the fact they'll never know _is_ the ending – vaguery can prove thought-provoking, often, but I think a more satisfying ending would fill that gap nicely.

The characters are all right. They do the job, but neither pop out, or have room to show different sides of themselves. 650 words ain't much, no, but such an ambitious story is exceptionally difficult to do justice with such a restriction. I'd strip it way down for flash-fiction, or bulk it way up for a novella. Just me, of course; I respect that you set your sights high and didn't back down. Kudos.

There's some errors: the possessive pronoun “its” is written incorrectly, with an apostrophe after the 's'. No apostrophes are necessary in that usage. “The lion leapt onto a large rock,* its* mane blocking out the sun.”

A lack of commas in some spots hindered the flow a bit. Also, *“That’s what we were hoping for when we rescued* *you,” She smiled.* Periods should precede actions, usually, unless you were replacing 'said' with 'smiled', which I would avoid. Perfect, otherwise. Nice.

So, more meat would help to both tax _and_ entertain my brain, but I enjoyed my exposure to your little world. Thanks for the read!


_*Gertrude*_
*by Midnight Poet*

SPaG: 5
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 6
Overall: *15*

I have a soft spot for your way of writing. It doesn't leap out and pull you in; it eases you, like a surprisingly comfortable chair. At first you think, “Where's the zing and flash?” Then you realize it's not trying to 'wow' you. It's merely creating a platform for the story, and that simplicity makes a sturdy foundation.

It's not complicated – embittered girl with glass eye takes revenge – yet I never guessed it. I was lulled by her harmless-sounding name, and cowgirl clichés. I thought she was a slutty farmer, not an eye-obsessed murderess. I felt a bit stupid, ha. I should've seen it coming from the semi-tragic back story, but I forgot it wasn't real; you write as if from memory, not imagination.

Negatively speaking, my main problem was the lack of tension. A decent chunk is dedicated to Gertrude's past, when her current persona (in hindsight) is much more interesting. I'd have liked more grunginess in the bar; more dialogue; more mood; more . . . her, really. _True_ her. Her transformation from sheltered weakling to calculating weirdo, and that contrast between mindsets. 

There's room to play around a bit more with Gert and up the creepy factor, but I've said enough. I was mostly satisfied by how things turned out, and admired the method. I found no errors, either; a very well written piece, through and through. Smooth! 

Thanks for the read, sir.


_*Ghosts*_
*by Ibb*

SPaG: 3
Tone & Voice: 4
Effect: 4
Overall: *11*

Some weird stuff going on in this piece. I enjoy uncontemplatable madness, and much like your last I read, this was full of it. This whole family is cursed – the children have inherited the ghost that plagued their mother, after all. Not good! 

The dialogue's well done; characterful and realistic, for that edge of believability.

Unfortunately, I found it very difficult to read. The general sentence structuring confused me, requiring extra effort and hindsight to understand anything. There are a lot of run-on sentences, sudden mentions of other characters that flew past me, etc. I feel it could be smoother to read, and layered in a more gradual way, rather than those big bursts of information. Subtlety over speed. 

Some scenes are quite unclear, such as Rufus' experience with the ghost. The images are described, but difficult to fathom due to unusual wording.

*Example:* “Leaving the door, he faced the window—the center traveled its distance sooner than he escaped it, thrusting its imprint onto the curtains, still as snow, unaware of this visitor clung to them like an insect.”

Are the 'center' and the 'spot' the same thing? How can it thrust itself whilst being “still as snow”? No sentence is ever quite clear enough. I don't usually have trouble with fiction that re-reading can't fix, so I can only guess that missing or unclear information is causing me problems, on top of the odd framework they're placed. It's something I experienced often, which made it hard to score fairly. Some errors here and there didn't help – “He lie in his bed,” “A running off his flesh.”

I can't think of much else. Apologies for the negativity; I only mean to be helpful, annoying and picky as I am. I enjoyed parts of it a lot, like the mother character, the realistic dialogue, and bizarre imagery. Thanks for the read.


_*Obelisk*_
*by Pluralized*

SPaG: 5
Tone & Voice: 5
Effect: 7.5
Overall: *1**7.5*

Oh, yes. Yeah, yep, yup, yessiree, yessum. That's my review (I wish). Now I have to eloquently say what I liked...

Okay, I'll go straight in with the overall wording and style: _Loved_ it. Smooth, well-paced – neither too quick, nor too slow – and carefully put together. Simple, but mindful descriptions. The perfect blend of artistry and storytelling that I look for in a piece.

Negatives? Eh, well, ya know. I don't really care, but I guess it's not the most original concept. _2001_ with a cultist edge, if I were to be shamefully reductionist about it. 

I assume the brain thing is the 'glass eye'? A sphere within glass? Iris/pupil under a lens? I don't know – that might be a stretch. A loose interpretation, it seems.

The characters perhaps don't have the depth to make me fully connect with their roles in the story, but I did enjoy the brief spell we spent together, and there's a lot of room for them to grow in a larger project. 

My favourite part is the introductory line, probably. It rings with loud 'classic novel' vibes; evocative in its simplicity.

Sorry for this unenlightening review, ha. I basically said, “Yes,” but never mind. Thanks for the read!


[/spoiler2]
[spoiler2=kilroy214’s scores]

*Awanita
The Glass Eye

SPaG: 2
Tone: 2
Effect: 2
Total: 6*

This story of an old man’s life literally flashing before his eyes had a very rough and unpolished quality to it.  There are a lot of places where punctuation is missing and or unnecessarily used, missing or wrong words used (“...that HAS been a pain in my ass” and “The old man LAY in the hospital bed...” respectively).  The word “vision” is used redundantly, and in the context of the story, I don’t feel it is the right word to use to describe the projections of the eye. 
Coupled with some awkward phrasing in several spots; the line “The glass eye beamed the birth of all his six child.” comes to mind.  Did you mean Births? Or were all six of his children born at the same time? - the story losses its punch to the reader because they’re focusing on the wrong stuff.
All of this is easily fixable with a re-edit or two, but one thing that caught my eye right of the bat was the opening line.
The first sentence of your story is written in a passive voice (“...had become...” is the keystone to pasiveness).  Passive voice is something all writers should avoid.  It is a sign of a timid writer, and a writer will be timid at times, you’re not always sure if what your going to say is the right thing, or the right way to say, and the passive voice becomes a crutch (same as adverbs, cut them away too) Cutting the passive voice will give your tone authority, and tells the reader “I know what I’m doing, so shut up, sit back and enjoy.”


*rockoo315
(No title)

SPaG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 3
Total: 9*

At the end of this story of two men’s awkward friendship, I was left asking myself, “...that’s it?”
I think you did a great job of creating two colorful characters, but the story itself did not, to me, feel like there was much going on.  Usually in such a short story, we start at point A and go to point B.  I felt this story started at point A and then just kind of loitered there.
There were several words that I noticed that needed to be hyphenate; self-pity, self-medicated, and well-kept.
Another spot, I believe a word was missing - “...and both of (us) usually hung out...”
Pinesol should be capitalized as it is a proper noun, and there were two places where a question is asked in dialogue, but no question mark is used to punctuate the sentence.  
And in this context, the word “phase” should be “faze”


Also during his description of the Army Basics Days, there appears to be a tense shift, but in any case, I felt this portion of the story kind of deviated from the narrative and led the reader away.  If it is not important to the story, much of his talk about the Army could be cut, or reduced to a just a few words.


*godofwine
The Agency

SPaG: 3
Tone: 3
Effect: 4
Total: 10*

This story has the feel of a modernized short from the pulp Men’s Adventure magazines of the 30's and 40's.  My only problem is that this story really goes no where, and the title itself is kind of deceiving.  The Agency; yet we are never told who they are, what they do or why they’re doing it, only that their logo is reminiscent of the masonic icon on the back of a dollar bill and their boss is a bitch (and rightly so, I might add, seeing as though she’s murdered in what feels like the span of five minutes).
First off, spelling is fairly clean, however there are some missing punctuation marks, specifically a comma (“...left the office(,) seething.” without the comma, it’s as if the office itself is seething, and he left it that way, and “We’ve got a problem (,) gentlemen) and two different lines of dialogue are missing their end quotation marks.

The narrative is also choppy, there is one point where two character are talking in a hall, and then moments later, without any indication they’ve moved, one leans on a desk in a conference room.
There were also several lines that let me feeling confused;

“He should have finished the job?” - Who should have finished the job?

His shoulder ached from the gunshot wound... - Why is this guy still on active duty?  Aren’t his civil rights being violated by not allowing him time to recover?

...he trained the trainers for God sake...” - I think a different way of saying ‘trained the trainers’ should be used here.  This sounds clunky. And I would like to point out, the term is ‘for God’s Sake’.

“Unless we come up with a plan.” - Maybe they should have tried that in the first place. This is just a very cliche line. I pictured Henry as Fred from Scooby Doo at his moment. (You can thank my five year old for that)

That brought several chuckles from the room... - seems like a pretty stupid thing to laugh at.  Callous too for six of their own being killed “just three hours previous”.

“The bosses don’t like it...” - Really? The bosses don’t like it when missions get blown and half a dozen agents get mowed down? I should think not. Also, I thought they only had one boss.

“But that makes us vulnerable at those times...” - Why? At a shift change, you have twice as many personnel, the ones coming and the ones going.  I would think that would be when they’re least vulnerable.

and all hell broke lose. - I feel like this should have been the story here.  We see what is the equivalent of a conference and all action happens off-screen before and after the story.  What a bummer.

I think if the story had started with what happened right at the moment “all hell broke lose” it would have been a more interesting read, at least more thrilling.  When I read a piece of yours, I get the feeling that you perhaps get a little wound up in placing military and technical factoids and research into you story that you kind of lose sight of the story itself; the thing you are trying to convey to the reader.  I think that is noble that you go through so much research to include these in your stories, but I have to warn you, and this is coming from experience, it is very easy to bog down a tale with data that a lot of readers just plan don’t care about.

We know the man is dangerous because he gunned down six skilled agents and got away clean, we do not need to be told that he’s four times as lethal as a rogue sniper that killed a four star general two colonels.
It is not important to the story to know that Burrows came from USMC Mountain Warfare Training in Bridgeport.
It isn’t even important to note that the eight men brought in are wearing all black.
What is important is if this had all been cut, the reader would be exactly at square-one by the end of your story and you would have some leftover words to tell us what kind of hell just broke loose.



*Terry D.
Exhibit #1

SPaG: 5
Tone: 3
Effect: 8
Total: 16*

Two words came to mind when I reached the end of your story; Bad ass!
I liked the twist, and I could completely picture the troubled little hoodlum in my mind’s eye from your characterization (could clearly picture all of the characters for that matter).
My only problem with the piece was the slang speak felt a little forced and over the top at times.  I get that he says gonna and shoulda and ain’t, but did ‘probably’ really have to become ‘prob’ly’?  It just felt a little much.


There were also a few places where some description given by this guy felt a little out of character, for instance the “there was not fear in that swelled up, left-over eye; just hate.” This didn’t really strike me as something a slang slinging hoodlum would say, same for “watchin the blood run thick and from his ears and his mouth.”
Other than that, I thought it was a damn good piece.


*mrmustard615
Agent in a Trap

SPaG: 4
Tone: 2
Effect: 5
Total: 11*

I feel like this was supposed to be a satire piece of spy fluff, but I don’t think it completely hit the mark, so it felt, to me, like an overly cliched piece of spy fluff.  This could possibly come from a few things that tugged my attention away from the story, and that was a major over use of several words.
Death trap, mouse trap, trap, death traps, binds, binds, binds, binds, steely rope, steel binds, steely binds.  
I also couldn’t help but wonder that if Agent Green had a substance that could ‘melt steel without hurting his hands’, why didn’t he start with that? And it would appear the binds change from rope that he cuts with a pocket knife and then they become steel and suddenly the pocket knife is useless (and if they were always steel, why start with the pocket knife at all?)



*Plasticweld
A Foreign Place


SPaG: 4.5
Tone: 4
Effect: 6
Total: 14.5*

Many will tell you the golden rule of writing is to show, don’t tell.  In this story of technological introduction being made to the elderly, there is a lot of showing, but there is also a lot of telling, specifically what we were just showed.
I also felt that the opening line is pretty much saying the same thing that the second paragraph says, and I think starting it at “I felt the warm touch of her hand.” would have been a fine enough opening line.
A few other things caught my attention; first off, Microwave is one word, “She pushed back…” is in the wrong tense to the rest of the story, and peeping tom does not need to be capitalized. I fact, I found it a bit redundant, I think most people know what a voyeur is, I would use that or peeping tom, but not both. (peeping tom sounds like something this mother character would say)

The pale skin, blue veins and wrinkles – I think picking two of these three would work best, and I didn’t quite understand blue veins, unless he’s referring to varicose veins, in which case, I would just cut that.

The other big question I had is that if this is set in this year, 2014, and his mother became a recluse 40 years ago, we’re talking 1974, and I have a hard time believing that someone who lived through the late 60’s and early 70’s in the techno world without ever encountering a microwave oven.

I also thought it was a rather strange that he says that he lives with his mother at 65 and his friends find no shortage of humor in it.  I can only speak for myself here, but that sounds like a dickish thing to say.  For one, I was under the impression that his mother moved in with him, which would mean she lives with him, not the other way around. In that case, it is pretty common for the children to accommodate their elderly parents in their less than golden years. I think this is commendable, not something to scoff at, by him or his friends.

I also thought that it was strange that he keeps finding it astonishing that she is put off by technology.  If he’s sixty-five, that means I place his mother in the general vicinity of eighty-five years of age.  I don’t know of too many eighty-five year olds who openly embrace much technology, let alone Facebook, Cell Phones and Web Cams.

I thought the last four lines of the story were golden, though. I think everyone read that last line in their own mother’s voice.


*Sleepwriter
The Storm

SPaG: 0
Tone: 0
Effect: 0
Total: 0 – you went over the word allowance*

This was a strange tale that kind of struck me as heading toward a sci-fi/horror mash up that really didn’t go either way.  First off, there were some spag issues, mostly punctuation (missing comma, it’s should have been its, and “soo”, which I don’t know if that was intentional. If it was, don’t do that) and I found the use of onamonapia here very distracting (all those BOOMs and Kabooms!)

Each blinding streak of light… - we get it, it is lighting out.

…that feeling you get right before a bully punches you in the face. – I thought this was an odd description for a sensation.  I think this needs to be conveyed better in a sense that all people could understand.

I can’t tell you what happened in the next twenty-four hours, because I don’t know. – I think the “because I don’t know” Should be cut here. It doesn’t really do anything for the story, and if it is important to keep it, start the line out “I don’t know what happened in next twenty-four hours.”

…so I did a systems check. – I thought this just sounded off.

…my iris was the same shit brown. – really?

The last line of the story really through me for a loop.  Why the hell would he break the glass eye? I mean, it’s not like having shattered glass in your eye socket is a party.  And why did his eye turn to glass anyway?  This is what I mean by thinking a sci-fi/horror twist was coming and then it just ends.



*EmmaSohan
Staying Sane

SPaG: 4
Tone: 4
Effect: 5
Total: 13*

I thought this was a pretty interesting tale, and it got a few chuckles out of me, but I was kind of disappointed that it didn’t really go anywhere.
As far as Spag goes, things were pretty clean, although there were a few questionable spots with punctuation (mainly with the paragraph starting with “Most of the girls scream.”) but also because of the word “to” missing towards the end (“I talk (to) her and calm her down.)

I also think that it should have been written “two hundred thousand” instead of just saying 200k, but I did not take off the score for this as this is a first person narration. I also wondered at your choice for dialogue tags as well, but again, I did not distract me from the story itself, so I did not count off for it either.

Again, I think this story was written well, and had a nice bit of sick humor that I found appealing, but it just felt like there was a beginning and an end to this story, and no middle.


*Inkwell Machine
Hard to pick which one they eat the most

SPaG: 5
Tone: 5
Effect: 4
Total: 14*

Well, they certainly don’t tell you first dates (or precursors to such) can end up like this. I thought the first three paragraphs were a little wordy, to the point that by the end of the third, I completely forgotten what his date was responding to.

I thought the banter between the two was nicely done, but I have to say, I felt that this piece was written to evoke a sense of shock and revulsion but it feels like it missed the mark.  Almost like it was trying too hard to evoke those feelings that it just didn’t feel real.


*InnerFlame00
The Glass Eye

SPaG: 3.5
Tone: 3.5
Effect: 5
Total: 12*

This was an interesting bit of sci-fi that I felt kind of ended on a downer. Most of the SPaG issues I had were with closing dialogue punctuation. The tone, for the most part, seemed to work well, but it the story felt bogged down with clichés (It was now or never, My heart pounding in my ears, and day had replaced night) and awkward narrative.
The line “We haven’t been able to find a way…” felt like an odd bit of techno-babble that was supposed to reinforce to the reader that he’d made it to the future, but to me it felt forced and kind of killed the atmosphere.

I was left wondering why people on this world were fighting over the eye to the point that nuclear(?) war was threatened. We’re told to so they can exploit the eye. But to what gains, I ask? If it has been studied for thousands of years and it benefits no one, I don’t understand how it became a point contention on this world. Also, wouldn’t destroying it or attempting to do so be considered an act of war, which would lead to as much death and destruction as someone unlocking the secrets of the glass eye and exploiting it?


*Midnightpoet
Gertrude

SpaG: 4.5
Tone: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 9.5*

Femme Fatale’s are always a personal favorite of mine, but in reading this I didn’t know that’s what this was until the last paragraph, and it was a big WTF? moment for me.
Those first two sentences had a lot of hyphenated words in them, and I thought the narration of the bar scene was pretty solid.
What killed it here is that a large portion of this story, the entirety of how she came to be crippled and the little bastard Tommy, is all tell and no show at all.  It is a ton of backstory that, in the end, isn’t even necessary to the story. I think this would have been a great time in the story to start foreshadowing her homicidal-eye-collecting hobby, but instead we get the story of how she lost the eye and lived with the injustice of it all and then suddenly she’s tossing men down into her basement a la Sweeny Todd and taking out their eyes.
It just did not make much sense to me.


*Ibb
Ghosts

SPaG: 4
Tone: 2
Effect: 3
Total: 9*

I have to be honest and say I really did not know what I was reading for the better part of this thick tale of loss and remembrance. This is extremely dense, and I feel it really did not need to be so.  There are some incredibly long sentences throughout, to the point that I didn’t even remember what was said at the start of some by the time I got to the end of them.
Your third paragraph has a sentence that is so long it has 5 commas in it.  I can’t think of a situation where anyone should ever have that many commas in one sentence unless you’re listing something off.
These long ramblings couple with just odd phrases in general (…observing rests not the observed, but the observer replaced… and A running off his flesh, breaking water) just lead to an overall state of confusion through the story.



*Pluralized
Obelisk

SPaG: 5
Tone: 4
Effect: 7
Total: 16*

I think the opening of Obelisk is quite possibly one of the best opening lines to short fiction I’ve read in a long time.
This tale of dystopian sci-fi was a nice change of pace, and I enjoyed the read thoroughly (the line about the heads popping made me giggle inside!).
The story was well written and very clean, and I found it refreshing that the underlying message was left nice and subtle and not sprung out at the reader like a hammer-wielding jack in the box.


[/spoiler2]


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## Pluralized (Jan 3, 2015)

Congratulations, Terry! Great story, well-deserved win. 

Thanks Judges - you guys mostly seemed to get what I was doing with my story, so thanks for that. Glad it worked for a few of you. 

Bruno - you said you were sick during your scoring, but I'd just like to commend you on the comprehensive and helpful comments you gave just about everybody. Great job, and if that's your sick game, I hope to catch you under the weather whenever you're scoring my stuff. 

Cheers all - onward to January!


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## Deleted member 56686 (Jan 3, 2015)

Congratulations Terry and thanks to all the judges


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## Terry D (Jan 3, 2015)

As always, there's gold in them thar scores! Thanks to all the judges for giving such concise, helpful critique. I'm humbled to have eked out a win over Pluralized and Inkwell Machine's terrific stories. There were many very good entries this time around, everyone should be proud of their results. 

Folcro -- I laughed when I read your comment about getting sick of apostrophes, I do too, and I worried that I was pushing it a bit with the dialect. Drawing that line between hinting at it and going overboard is always difficult for me.  I do get ham-fisted sometimes when trying to tell a complete story in just 650 words. Subtlety becomes a victim to brevity. 

Thepancreas11 -- Thanks for the good words, Panc. I'm glad you liked it. You're spot-on about the inconsistencies in the voice. Sometimes I write those phrases and just can't bring myself to excise them. You showed me that it is often best to "kill your darlings" no matter how good they seem to sound in favor of words which don't create speed-bumps for the reader.

Bruno Spatola -- I'm fascinated that you pictured this taking place in the woods. In my head it was an urban environment, maybe down some dark ally, or in a vacant lot. I never described the setting, so any interpretation is viable. It's always neat to see what others take a away from a story. I was also deliberately vague about what really happened to the protagonist, was it really a curse? Or was it a Tell Tale Heart sort of madness by guilt thing? If it works, it's probably because I never made up my mind myself.

Kilroy214 -- Your concerns echo Folcro's, and I will definitely keep that in mind in my future writing. I find it very hard to know how much dialect, jargon, street-speak, etc is enough. In this one I went too far, thinking that since it represented a voice recording, it should sound like speech rather than something written. That was obviously not the right choice.

I know how time consuming and difficult it is to judge these competitions. You all did a great job of cleaning off the lipstick and mascara to see the real face of these stories. I thank you again for doing that.


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## Bruno Spatola (Jan 3, 2015)

Pluralized said:


> Bruno - you said you were sick during your scoring, but I'd just like to commend you on the comprehensive and helpful comments you gave just about everybody. Great job, and if that's your sick game, I hope to catch you under the weather whenever you're scoring my stuff.



Ha, you wish. I appreciate your feedback a lot. I always try my best, but it's still nice to know I'm doing all right.

Love that intro still 



Terry D said:


> Bruno Spatola -- I'm fascinated that you pictured this taking place in the woods. In my head it was an urban environment, maybe down some dark ally, or in a vacant lot. I never described the setting, so any interpretation is viable. It's always neat to see what others take a away from a story. I was also deliberately vague about what really happened to the protagonist, was it really a curse? Or was it a Tell Tale Heart sort of madness by guilt thing? If it works, it's probably because I never made up my mind myself.



That's funny. I actually invented something myself within _your_ story, and then criticized it, ha. That's just an error on my part, Terry. To be honest, I don't remember writing any of my scores. I was dozy on cough syrup through all of November and December. Just be glad I added the numbers up correctly, because they were nearly all wrong at one point.

Great story, again


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## Firemajic (Jan 3, 2015)

Congratulations Terry D!!  I enjoyed them all, Well done!      Peace always...Julia


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## TKent (Jan 3, 2015)

Congrats to everyone!!


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## InnerFlame00 (Jan 3, 2015)

Wow, well now I know exactly how much I suck at writing short stories.  Now I remember why I hated them so much.  No more contests for me.

Congrats to those who won!


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## Plasticweld (Jan 3, 2015)

Judges thanks again for putting so much time and thought into your scoring.  while at times I cringe when I read some of the comments I unfortunately can not disagree with any of the faults picked out. Your advice and observations really do help. I thought all of you guys were very consistent in your comments and advice.  I could have done better with some female judges playing the mother card, maybe next time I'll write about dads. 

Terry congratulations. I really enjoyed your piece,you set the bar high for the contest and for that I am thankful. 

Rob, Loved yours, had you not signed it I would have had no trouble knowing you wrote it, your style is easy to recognize and appreciate.


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## EmmaSohan (Jan 4, 2015)

Thanks to the judges, it is so useful to hear their evaluations. Congratulations to Terry!


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## Sleepwriter (Jan 4, 2015)

Thank you to all the judges.  I appreciate the feedback, even though I went over the word limit.  I will do better next time. More editing and maybe fewer computer references. LOL!

Congrats to Terry, Pluralized and InkwellMachine!!


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## Ariel (Jan 4, 2015)

InnerFlame00 said:


> Wow, well now I know exactly how much I suck at writing short stories.  Now I remember why I hated them so much.  No more contests for me.
> 
> Congrats to those who won!



You scored above the median for this contest.  It isn't that you write bad short stories it's that these have criteria upon which they are scored.  I live with and often judge with Kilroy.  I read the stories and went over the grammar with him on this contest.  Consider these contests practice and keep writing--that's how you'll get better.


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## godofwine (Jan 5, 2015)

Congrats to the winners and runner ups. Thanks to the judges. A couple of questions

*thepancreas11 - *Thanks for the props. I am truly trying. Learning is a great deal harder when you don't have hands on teaching, and I appreciate you taking the time to tell me both what's good AND what's bad, instead of one way or the other. 

How do I escape the blah zone? Is more colorful/descriptive language necessary to escape the blah zone? How do I instill fear, or any kind of emotion for that matter? With 650, I don't believe I had too many wasted words, but I had to tell of the event that lead to the meeting with the A-hole management boss. I'm painting here, so I hope to give the reader as much as I posible in a short space to see the picture. The Fallujah incident didn't seem forced, or a distration from the expository dialogue, but military men relate to previous events/occurances that relate. 

The office b*tch is typical management. They weren't out in the field risking their lives, but want to question the manner at which you failed at your job. She wanted to kill a problem, the guys she sent missed and she is pissed saying, "I don't care that he shot you; I wished he'd killed you because you obviously suck." The guy that they are chasing is just a rogue agent, and the protagonist is caught up in, "Ours is not to wonder why. Ours is just to do or die," which we were taught in the military. I thought that I'd made it clear that the antagonist escaped the trap the protagonist had set for him, but maybe I didn't make it clear enough. I'v heard the last point before - short choppy sentences at exciting points.

*Bruno Spatola - *Again, thanks for the props, and the lesson. Less grey, more color, and make distinctly different characters in flash fiction - no carbon copies (even if you understand due to their job). I thought I'd shown how dangerous he was by shooting his way out of the trap, but I wasn't descriptive of the trap so this was missed. Too many details on information not relevant to the story (basically, the Falluja part was nice, but detail on the current story would have fit better). Robin's just a b*tch in heels, some motive or reason should have been given. I'll try to remove the cliches when I realize I am writing them.

*kilroy214* - I guess at commas, and not always right as you see. “He should have finished the job?” could have been written cleaner. She was a bitch, so she could have said, "He should have killed you," since she basically said that anyway. As far as his civil rights for a fleshwound, he could have taken that up with his union rep, but otherwise he had a job to do. Trained the trainers may sound clunky, but it was the most direct way to say that he trained the people who trained the field agents. 

_“But that makes us vulnerable at those times...” - Why? At a shift change, you have twice as many personnel, the ones coming and the ones going.  I would think that would be when they’re least vulnerable. _Actually, you are more distracted during shift change due to turnover. There may be twice the people, but they are transfering info, passing down instructions, orders, and are not 100% vigilant. I mean, Osama bin Laden isn't going to stroll down the hallway unnoticed, but someone silent and slick enough with good creep to him could pull something off. 

As I said above, I know that I should leave some of the research behind to tell at least some of the good stuff that was to happen at the end. Other than The Getaway (The Space in Between contest), it's been a struggle to accomplish all, and even then I was bitten by the French judge.


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## escorial (Jan 5, 2015)

well done


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## midnightpoet (Jan 5, 2015)

Sorry I'm a few days late on this, the web has been down here for the past few days.  An ice storm blew over a wi-fi  tower.  Anyway, congrats to the winners,  there were several good stories here.


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## InkwellMachine (Jan 6, 2015)

My thanks as always to the judges and to Fin for organizing this shindig. Lovely times. This one was a fun write for me, and different.

*Folcro 
*I'm glad you understood. My last LM entry felt cheap to me. This one feels a little more real, less robust in its attempt to be world-shattering or life-changing for the characters involved. It's just the sort of thing that happens to us. A real situation.

Anyway, thanks for your general positivity. Is it weird to say that I wish I'd done something glaringly wrong somewhere in the narrative for the sake of good criticism? Because I kind of do.
*


Thepancreas
*First, thanks for the complements. I appreciate that you take the time to read my stuff for the most part.

*"It feels unfinished to me. I don’t know who she is, what they’re real relationship is, or how to feel about this skull-fucking business. I don’t know what that leads to, and I think you play a bit too coy with the elements of the story we’re supposed to take with us. I just think you could really use a conclusion here." -- *This one's a little less obvious than what most of us on this section of the forum are probably used to. It's not really about _what it leads to._This one really doesn't have a climax. It's just a brief look into the pettiness of people and their lives. People do stupid things that they regret, and sometimes they're not even good stories. Like that one time a girl had her eye surgically removed to let her Manson-obsessed husband put the tip of his dong in her head. Stupid. Unimportant. 



*Bruno Spatola
**Good dialogue and internal thoughts, here. A lovely and natural style of writing that gave normality a poetic layer of fuzz it tends to lack. I think you're one of the best on the site, in many ways. Nice to see that consistency follows you around! -- *My heart. It hurts from the love I feel for you right now. <3

*Unfortunately, although I appreciated it in a technical sense, the story itself didn't heighten or evoke any emotions in me. Perhaps that's to do with me feeling the interpretation of the prompt is straightforward; I'd have preferred something more off the wall (skull-fucking aside). -- *Sure, I can see how you might feel that way after reading it. This one isn't particularly simple. It requires some digging on the side of the reader, which is admittedly a _bad_ thing. Still, it was a fun write and I'm happy with it. I'll give you something saucier eventually. Sometimes you just gotta write what you feel like writing, you know? And what I wanted to write was a little bit of life. Awkward interactions, depressingly simple decisions that change lives, etc., etc.

*It's not the most interesting conversation to begin with, in my view, which hasn't changed in hindsight. I'm betting that's intentional, but I never cared where it was going, as a result, because these characters moped and limped their way to the end. The things that stood out about them were a glass eye, and a semi-mutual appreciation of Marilyn Manson. -- *I'm sorry to hear it. I think we're a little programmed to search for the climax of a story--the point at which it becomes most interesting. It compels us to read through the rest of it. So what do we do when a story doesn't have a climax? Maybe we furrow our collective brow and think _"what's the point?" _After writing this I found a similarly-structured story by Earnest Hemmingway called A Clean, Well-Lighted Place. Sometimes real truths are simple and don't lend themselves to such big, explosive plot points. Sometimes you just _don't get a climax.

_But hey man, if that didn't work for you I can hardly tell you it should have. Writing is entertainment, after all. All intentions and nobility aside, if you weren't in some way entertained then the writing didn't do its job. 

*The guy's been told he has poor social skills. Maybe more direct exposure to that side of him would make it more entertaining – funny, even. To me, of course. There's nothing wrong with realism, it's just a preference. Small talk can't outgrow itself. -- *Understand that the piece is about two things: our little failings in connection (the narrator, who doesn't really know what to do with this vaguely broken woman) and the insignificant mile markers that plot out the speed and direction of our lives (the woman, who had her eye removed so her Manson-obsessed husband could poke his dong around in there).

I just told you to understand something _after_ you'd already read it and formed your opinions. How's that for useless retrospective? I'm sure there's some way to make you understand those things more clearly in context. Oh well. I'll explore why that wasn't clear a little on my own. Thanks.



*Kilroy214*
*I thought the first three paragraphs were a little wordy, to the point that by the end of the third, I completely forgotten what his date was responding to. -- *Actually, I opened the conversation without telling you what the question was. I wanted you to intuit what was going on here, which I'm pretty sure you did if you thought I was trying to illicit a sense of shock and revulsion. So that's fine by me, although I can understand if you're not too hot on it.

*I thought the banter between the two was nicely done, but I have to say, I felt that this piece was written to evoke a sense of shock and revulsion but it feels like it missed the mark. Almost like it was trying too hard to evoke those feelings that it just didn’t feel real. -- *That wasn't my intention at all, though. I didn't describe any of the visceral details, didn't try to disturb you or put you off. If anything I wanted this to feel awkward. You were meant to feel bad for these two characters who are both simple, pathetic humans. You were meant to sympathize with them, because we make bad mistakes, and because sometimes we _are _just impotent. Sometimes we _c__an't _help or heal. Sometimes we can't even talk.

All that aside, if it didn't work for you, it didn't work for you. Thanks for reading and critiquing it anyway.


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## Bruno Spatola (Jan 6, 2015)

Thanks for replying, Inkwell. You know, I'm not one of those, "What's the point?" kind of people. I didn't finish your story and think that. I feel I'm instinctual enough to believe I got what you were going for on many levels, but understanding something doesn't always put you on a positive road, right? I understand _why _these characters are the way they are -- I actually think they're perfect for the story you wrote, here  -- but I also understand why they don't appeal to me, and why I didn't enjoy reading about them. My opinion doesn't come from being unable to empathize, but not wanting to all that much. Not that a writer is obliged to forge it to the whims of others. It's yours, after all: the artist. 

I don't think your piece needs a makeover or anything. I have no problem with a conversation that doesn't go anywhere (on the surface), or doesn't pan out in the magically perfect way fiction tends to do. I think that these two misfits finding a commonality after all that awkwardness _is_ the story, plain and simple. I can't pick up on every intention, though; this is art, not science, unfortunately/fortunately.

I stand by my main point, however: you're a great writer.


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