# haiku 321



## ahmetax (Sep 16, 2014)

*senryu 321*

clouds are leaning down
blues loaded  in istanbul --
soma in dark black


bulutlar ağmış
hüzün yüklü istanbul --
soma kapkara

ahmet aksoy

ps. In May, this year. in a small town named Soma in Turkey, several hundreds miners were dead in a coal mine accident. 
In reality, it was not an accident. It was a crime! My senryu tries to express our feelings.


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## ahmetax (Sep 23, 2014)

ahmetax said:


> clouds are leaning down
> blues loaded  in istanbul --
> soma in dark black
> 
> ...



Maybe I used a wrong word "blues" in the second line.
Here I wanted to describe a situation of grief, saddness, bitter, and helplessnes...

Is it better (or, more meaningful) as:

clouds are leaning down
grief loaded in istanbul --
soma in dark black


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## Blade (Sep 23, 2014)

How about Blues/grief *laden *in Istanbul?

I find 'blues' more ambiguous than 'grief' though it sounds better. You just have to come up with what is, in your opinion, the best all round combination here.:grey:


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## Elvenswordsman (Sep 23, 2014)

Thanks for sharing ahmetax.

I think the value of the poem could be increased if a consideration to vocabulary were retaken.

Words that hold a grim meaning are not so easily found as "blue." Grief is a great word, because it's universally recognized.

Thanks for taking the time to share.


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## ahmetax (Sep 25, 2014)

Blade said:


> How about Blues/grief *laden *in Istanbul?
> 
> I find 'blues' more ambiguous than 'grief' though it sounds better. You just have to come up with what is, in your opinion, the best all round combination here.:grey:


Hello Blade,
I didn't know the exact meaning of "laden".  My dictionary says "burdened; loaded down"; so it looks OK.

clouds are leaning down
grief laden in istanbul --
soma in dark black

Thank you very much for your suggestion.  
But, I don't know how it sounds better.


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## ahmetax (Sep 25, 2014)

Elvenswordsman said:


> Thanks for sharing ahmetax.
> 
> I think the value of the poem could be increased if a consideration to vocabulary were retaken.
> 
> ...


Hello Elvin,
In my opinion, haiku only shows, not tells.
So, as you said, known and easily recognized words are important in haiku.
Therefore, grief is more meaningful than blue, in a haiku. 
It is a pleasure for me to share my lines. 
I thank you for taking the time to read.


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## Peeety1241 (Sep 27, 2014)

I prefer using using the term grief instead of blues


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## ahmetax (Sep 27, 2014)

Peeety1241 said:


> I prefer using using the term grief instead of blues


Thank you Peety,
I agree with you.


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## tjer222 (Oct 25, 2014)

How about grief loaned? Stressing that this could happen again unless things are changed to improve mine safety and that profits aren't the bottom line - men's lives are.


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## ahmetax (Oct 26, 2014)

tjer222 said:


> How about grief loaned? Stressing that this could happen again unless things are changed to improve mine safety and that profits aren't the bottom line - men's lives are.


Yes, it might be. It sounds good.
Thank you tjer222.


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