# Longing of dreams...



## H.Brown (Mar 8, 2018)

I feel the empty place inside, 
a place where you could live 'n' thrive.
Wishing for the day that I find, 
a bright, familiar inquiring mind.
To gaze upon your fragile form, 
encased inside a mother's warmth. 
Looking deep into eyes like mine, 
my heart it soars to hear, 'She's fine.'
With each beat of your tiny heart, 
I lose myself, we'll never part.
Dreams sweet edge casts me free, 
to wake and find there's no little me.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Mar 8, 2018)

Would it be better to use 'there's' instead of there is for the last line. I don't like it written that way but hey that is my opinion also the rest of the poem is fine.


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## H.Brown (Mar 8, 2018)

Thanks CA I'm glad that you didn't find much wrong with it and I agree that there's would be better than there is.


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## Unwritten Gravity (Mar 9, 2018)

I like this. There's some emotional undercurrent here that I can relate to, I feel. Word choice is pretty spot on. Well done.


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## H.Brown (Mar 9, 2018)

Unwritten Gravity said:


> I like this. There's some emotional undercurrent here that I can relate to, I feel. Word choice is pretty spot on. Well done.



Thank you, I'm pretty new to writing poetry and normally it is my word choice that is a problem.


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## ned (Mar 9, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> I feel the empty place inside,
> a place where you could live 'n' thrive.
> Wishing for the day that I find,
> a bright, familiar inquiring mind.
> ...




hello - a lovely poem with heartfelt and honest sentiments.
live AND thrive - please...

my heart it soars - swap heart with a single syllable emotion.

the ending is a little flat - the last line might simply express that the narrator awakes alone....

just my thoughts.....................Ned


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## H.Brown (Mar 9, 2018)

Thank you Ned.


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## sas (Mar 9, 2018)

Try to hone words to absolute essence for more impact. Something along these lines:

I feel my empty place
where you could live


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## H.Brown (Mar 9, 2018)

sas said:


> Try to hone words to absolute essence for more impact. Something along these lines:
> 
> I feel my empty place
> where you could live



Thanks Sas I can see what you mean, and I thik it would make it a different poem altogether, I will have a look and see what happens if I condense all the words down.


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## sas (Mar 9, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> Thanks Sas I can see what you mean, and I thik it would make it a different poem altogether, I will have a look and see what happens if I condense all the words down.




This poem's message requires weight. Often weight comes with less words, but the right words. Don't use cliche images like "looking deep into eyes"; "my heart it soars"; "I lose myself"; "with each beat of your tiny heart". Find your unique emotions. Express those. Make it yours and no others.

Hope helpful. Sas


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## H.Brown (Mar 10, 2018)

H.Brown said:


> I feel the empty place inside,
> a place where you could live 'n' thrive.
> Wishing for the day that I find,
> a bright, familiar inquiring mind.
> ...



There's an empty place inside, 
a place for you to thrive.
Wishfull for the day I find, 
a newly forming mind.
I gaze upon your fragile form, 
safe inside my mother's warmth.
To look into your eyes like mine, 
with joy I hear, 'She's fine.'
Deep within my heart, 
I promise that we'll never part.
Dreams that casts me free, 
to wake, where there's no little me.


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## escorial (Mar 10, 2018)

your words have always had an undertone of romance for the most part......


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## H.Brown (Mar 10, 2018)

escorial said:


> your words have always had an undertone of romance for the most part......



Thanks esc, maybe I'm a romantic at heart.


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## escorial (Mar 10, 2018)

i get the notion poetry was written for and because of romance..historical fact or not but over the years i think the subject of romance has been pushed to one side...more romance an less misery i say....


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## H.Brown (Mar 10, 2018)

escorial said:


> i get the notion poetry was written for and because of romance..historical fact or not but over the years i think the subject of romance has been pushed to one side...more romance an less misery i say....




I will have to give it a try.


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