# July 2017 - LM - The Follower - Scores



## kilroy214 (Jul 31, 2017)

Terry D
Smith
Pluralized
total
bdcharles
16.5
18
19
17.8
ppsage
15
13
20
16
AtleanWordsmith
17.5
15
14
15.5
Pip
16
15
15
15.3
plawrence
13
15
15
14.3
Godofwine
16
15
12
14.3
H. Brown
12
14
12
12.6
CrimsonAngel223
9
7
12
9.3




Holy crackers! The time has come again, and my what a trip it has been. Let's cut to the chase here, people.
In 1st Place *b**dcharles *with _Nightfairies_
In 2nd, *ppsage *and _The Legend of Follower Leyline_
And rounding out the top 3, we have* AtleanWordsmith*'s _Friend's Request


_I'd like to give all the contestants a round of applause and many thanks for keeping this monthly challenge running. I'd also like to give a deep thank you to the judges, who keep this thing possible. I apologize that I did not get my critiques in as well, I had several personal matters to attend to and just could not swing it.
If I have made any mistakes in my math, please let me know. If you would like to 'like' and entry, now would be a great time to show an author some support!
Congratulations everybody, hope we see you all in August!
And now, the scores.

[spoiler2=Terry D's scores]  The Messenger
 plawrence

 SPaG– 5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 3 of 5
 Effect– 6 of 10
 Total– 13 of 20

 Very cleanly written little story. It also is a complete story, which garnered it an extra point. My problem with this piece is simply how clichéd it is, and the dialogue is stilted and unnatural. To be effective, flash fiction needs an impact, either sensory, or emotionally. For me, this story did not have that needed impact.


 Damien Steelthunder
 Yonathan Asefaw

 SPaG– 2 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 3 of 5
 Effect– 4 of 10
 Total– 9 of 20

 It pains me to score a story poorly when it is obvious English is not the first language of the author. But, to be fair to all entries, each story must stand on its own merits. This tale has an interesting setting, and I can see the tone you were trying to achieve, but there are many grammar issues, and much of the narrative isn’t clear because of the language issues, so its overall effect suffers. I applaud you for entering the competition.


 Nightfaries
 bdcharles
 SPaG– 4.5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 5 of 5
 Effect– 7 of 10
 Total16.5 of 20

 A very, very well written and unique story. I did dock a half-point for the (I believe) error in Mordie’s text message; I think it should read, *“You**’ll** know me by wings and sight.”* I liked the bracketing of the story with the repeated *“Ready for the big beat,”* and *“Ting-ting.”* The story felt a bit rushed and left me feeling disengaged. Very stylish. Very well done. Just slightly off-target.

 Friend Request
 Atlean Wordsmith

 SPaG– 5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 4 of 5
 Effect– 8.5 of 10
 Total– 17.5 of 20

 I liked this one a lot. The dialogue was crisp and natural, the pace was good for such a short story, and the characters were as cleanly drawn as possible within the word constraints. I found the voice to be just slightly flat, and distant – the old telling vs showing thing. I also found the ending to be too abrupt (not the last line, I love that), but the three paragraphs before that. It just wrapped uptoo quickly and lost some of its punch. Overall a nice story.


 The Legend of Follower Leyline
 ppsage

 SPaG– 5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 5 of 5
 Effect– 5 of 10
 Total– 15 of 20


 Executed with excellence. You did precisely what you wanted to with your voice and language. I appreciate the structure and the work it takes to create such a unique style. I applaud that. As a story, however, it didn't work for me. It came across as more of an exercise in style than as a stand-alone story. Your use of bold lettering and italics seemed random (I'm sure it wasn't, but I couldn't figure out the purpose) and was distracting. An interesting read for sure.




 Unleash Hell
 Godofwine


 SpaG– 4.5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 4.5 of 5
 Effect– 7 of 10
 Total– 16 of 20


 The only SPaG error I saw was a missing close quotation mark after Peter: 2:25. I understand why you didn't use double quotation marks immediately before or after single quotation marks, but I'm not sure it's correct not to do so. That's something I'll need to check out. The tone of the story was smooth and consistent, and I liked the bit of 'prologue', it sets the story up nicely. Bookending the tale with something similar at the end would have been a nice touch, but I understand the word count constraints. This is a well crafted piece, but it really doesn't offer anything unique, so my score for Effect was limited by that.




 Into the Party
 H.Brown


 SpaG– 3 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 3 of 5
 Effect– 6 of 10
 Total– 12 of 20


 I like this story's take on the prompt. A breezy little 'buddy story' in which there is a very nice change in the protagonist from beginning to end. Nicely done. There are quite a few commas issues, and some issues also with how dialogue tags are handled; *It was heavy in my hand and I looked at it, Cider, as Lauren commanded. “Drink.” *This should read;* … as Lauren commanded, “Drink.”* 


Structural issues aside, the dialogue itself is very natural. Good job with that. In the paragraph which begins with; I was shocked,(missing comma here) Lauren never invited me to parties – there is a jarring shift from first person to third. Overall the structural issues took a toll on the effect of the story. A pleasant entry with potential. Thanks




 Onwards and Upwards
 PiP


 SPaG– 5 of 5
 Tone& Voice – 4.5 of 5
 Effect– 6.5 of 10
 Total– 16 of 20


 I really like the voice in this one. Sarah comes across as a real person with faults and a distinct personality. There is a good amount of detail added to the story, giving it depth and texture. Nicely done in so few words. The ending, however, left me confused and letdown. I don't understand why Sarah was so upset by being led to the top of the hill. Perhaps I'm being dense (a distinct possibility), but there isn't much pay-off. On a side note: I found myself getting ready for the women to start unthinkingly walking off a cliff after the long climb. I guess it was the earlier mention of lemmings.  [/spoiler2]]

[spoiler2=Smith's scores]  
[*]*plawrence**
“The Messenger”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15/20*

The action of the piece was well executed. What held it back for me, was the dialogue of the characters didn’t seem believable; it came across as if the importance of their survival (the significance of Jason’s death) was that of a video game where one can respawn.

“I’ve got to get this message through…” Aside from giving me some John Conner meets Princess Leia vibes (not that that’s a bad thing!) this is the crux of the piece in terms of it being the primary cause for the events. Unfortunately it’s difficult to really convey the weight of it in a 650-word flash-fiction piece, but I think bringing it in earlier would put everything in appropriate context and scale. Also, instead of “the resistance depends on it”, giving a “why” would have a lot more impact. Why exactly does the resistance depend on it? What is the message? What will happen if Sammy fails? I think specifying the stakes would really benefit the suspense of the piece.

There seemed to be a small inconsistency-

“Then I can grab the plazmag. At least that would make it a fair fight.”

Vs.

“Got it! Now to get the hell out of here.” No fight.

The cyclon was described just enough for me to picture it, and in a way that did not interrupt the piece. Good job on that. And thanks for an entertaining read.

---


[*]*CrimsonAngel223 (Yonathan Asefaw)**
“Damien Steelthunder”
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone/Voice: 2/5
Effect: 3/10
Overall: 7/20*

“All he had noticed was the darkness descending below from the stairs that slowly descended downward.”

Two problems with this sentence:

-it’s redundant because we already know what he had and had not noticed; that’s why he stumbled in the previous sentence
-it’s redundant because of “descending below”

Fixing this would take a simple rewrite:

(example) “Damien stumbled when a flight of stairs suddenly appeared under his feet, slowly descending into the darkness.”

Not perfect, but an improvement. However, this still leaves the question of what he was standing on in the first place…

“On Navigator Island…” Needs to be the beginning of a new paragraph.

“... with caution, who knew…” That comma should be a period, which would mean “who” becomes capitalized.

“‘Who goes there?’ said Damien taking slow steps down.” You already established his caution, and the fact he doesn’t know who or what awaits him, so this whole bit can be removed.

“He held his torch across the underbelly below and made sure that he’d succeed in finding what he seeks; the entire containment of jewels and gold inside the hide-out. The depths inside were revealing to be confirmed as the hideout of the follower.”

“Shone” or “scanned his torch across the underbelly” would work better; get rid of “below” because it’s redundant again.

Which is one of the biggest problems with this piece. Redundancy. We already know what Damien seeks because you mentioned it toward the beginning.

(example rewrite for this paragraph): “He scanned his torch across and read the archaic markings on the wall. This was it! The hideout of the follower. Which meant the treasure was close.”

“As he walked down across the stone of stairs things began to make sounds that were unknown to Damien. ‘Wooshes’ and ‘Csss’ were all around his ears, and at every bend of the passage down. Damien swung his dagger around like a blind man at a pinata party like he was afraid of being struck down by something bigger than he was.”

Here we have a new issue arising: inconsistency.

In the previous paragraph he was wielding a torch in one hand. Suddenly now he can’t see.

“down across” Just down.

First you say “sounds unknown” and then describe fairly common sounds. Anything flying goes “woosh” and snakes go “csss” or “ssSsSSs”.

(as a side-note, using the word “things” is typically seen as lazy, although describing what one cannot see - or is supposedly indescribable - can be difficult… H.P. Lovecraft was a master at getting around this dilemma in my opinion)

“... like a blind man at a pinata party…” Even though I actually like the simile by itself, in the context of your piece it is inconsistent; it made me laugh, which - I assume - is not the mood/tone you were going for. Also, at pinata parties I’m not afraid of being struck by anything. I’m afraid of hitting somebody else when I'm blind-folded (not that I go to a lot of pinata parties).

“From right his direction there were flying thrones and dead priests all surrounding him and he ran trying to avoid their attacks against him. Reaching down to the end of the path was his but not to fight that was to remain at arms reach.”

This paragraph suffers from severe grammar problems. I’ll just provide an example rewrite.

“In his direction came flying thrones and undead priests. He ran, dodging and parrying the onslaught as best he could. The end of the path was so close! All he needed to do was stay out of arms-reach.”

(You’ll notice there that I changed “dead” to “undead”.)

“Damien’s sapphire suit was being ripped out of him from the claws of the undead priests that stuck him, leaping into his view as he dodged their long pointed claws like vultures. They were the main problem unlike the thrones that just charged him one by one.”

A suit can’t be ripped out of you, but it can be ripped off of you.

Redundancy. It’s ironic that I’m being redundant by repeating myself but I’m trying to help. You use claws twice when one will suffice.

“... leaping into his view as he dodged their long pointed claws like vultures.”

Vultures don’t really leap, so this is another simile that doesn’t work. And the phrasing itself is clumsy.

Try this: “He dodged their vulture-like claws.”

“He then rolled over the way and took his dagger to vacuum them into his weapon sealing their souls inside and killing them in the process.

…

A beam of light absorbed them in, winding them up like a wormhole in space, making sure they all go in and to return to the surface.”

There’s no need to describe this soul-snaring process twice. The second version you wrote is better, so let’s scrap that first paragraph and do a rewrite.

“A beam of light shot from his dagger, absorbing their souls in a wormhole, never to return to the realm of the living.” (example)

You’ll notice I got rid of redundancies like “absorbed them in”, and “sealing their souls / killing them”.

“Noticed he couldn’t see a thing once his torch blew out.” This is so obvious it’s not worth mentioning. Save yourself the word count.

“The entire trove of wealth he desperately needed.”

Why did Damien desperately need it? Up to this point he had no desire as far as the reader’s aware. Does he need the treasure to provide for his family? Does he just want the status which comes with fame and fortune?

It’s a shame. The whole piece is riddled with redundancy, inconsistency, and grammar errors. You’ve got some ideas. This reminded me of RuneScape, if you’ve ever played that game. But the ideas were buried six-feet-under by poor execution.

---


[*]*bdcharles**
“Nightfairies”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 18/20*

Excellent work by my estimation. Sam’s motivation, his inner conflict of not feeling satisfied with life and escaping into fiction (at least, that’s what I gathered from the “bereft” bit), manifesting itself as an illusion… or was it an illusion?

I also feel like it was making a point on fantasizing about a relationship, setting yourself up for disappointment. I know all about that.

Sorry I don’t have more to say about this, but I feel like anything “wrong” I bring-up will really just be some opinionated nit-picking. Hopefully others will be able to provide some next-level constructive criticism, and catch something I didn’t. Then we'll both learn something.


[*]*AtleanWordsmith**
“Friend Request”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 15/20*

Welcome back, Atlean!

On the whole this was solid writing but the story sort of fell flat for me. I found it hard to believe that the killer was taking days to kill Sean and Kathy, and the fact that Sean just opened the door and didn’t so much as give a sign saying “call the cops” was even harder for me to buy. It left me feeling like I missed something that would explain either of these actions.

I think more immediacy could have increased the impact. Kathy works at a competitor down the road with the killer; then the killer gets hired in Sean’s position at the end, which sets-up Nate as his next victim.

Just throwing something out there. Maybe that wouldn’t work in the context of what you were aiming for in this piece. Not trying to hijack your story.

Nice job tying in the prompt. Reminded me of that Skype-killer movie; except I didn’t even need to see that movie to tell you your story here was infinitely better.


[*]*ppsage**
“The Legend of Follower Leyline”
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 3/10
Overall: 13/20*

Excellent voice throughout! It captures the tone of a legend perfectly. Consistent while also not being distracting.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t really understand what happened. I tried piecing together the bold words, and then the italicized words, thinking that might give me a clue. But that actually ended up being rather distracting, and yanked me out of the story by the neck.

Apologies if I missed the point. An enjoyable read stylistically. Creative. But it left me feeling as lost as both characters at the end. I didn’t know where we were going, why we were going there, and where we ended up.


[*]*Godofwine**
“Unleash Hell”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4.5/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 15/20*

A fun read. The suspense hit its mark. Motivations for both the protagonist and the antagonist are clear. I was glad to find that the use of the scripture actually mattered in the story, rather than being tacked on.

Not much to complain about. An error in the sentence “... closer to man on the ground…” and you didn’t need to editorialize the fact that the demon brandishing the blades was in-line with the aforementioned scripture.

Thank-you and good work!


[*]*H.Brown**
“Into the Party”
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5
Tone/Voice: 4.25/5
Effect: 6.25/10
Overall: 14/20*

A very relatable piece for me, and your voice suits it well. I was very impressed by the fact that the narrator grew - overcame her introversion to an extent - in such a short span of words. And it felt believable to boot! Not easy to do, in my writing experience.

It’s a shame that things were let down - and brought down - by SPaG. I’ll list some examples below, since it’s more or less the same mistakes recurring. All easy fixes, which is good news.

“... Saturday night as usual I had no plans.”

Either add the missing ‘and’ (“... and as usual…”) or…

“It was Saturday night- as usual I had no plans.”

In your first paragraph here, there’s also a missing space (“hair,hanging”).

“Lauren the screen flashed.” You can leave this out completely.

“A party, derr.” Lauren said.

That period after “derr” should be a comma.

Now, to give an example of when you used a period correctly with dialogue.

“‘Nope don’t you even dare, you’re coming!’ With that Lauren hung-up…”

Okay, not a period, sure, but it’d still be fine if it was.

“My mind screamed at me.” and “I thought looking through my depressingly small wardrobe.” You can get rid of both, get rid of the italics on the thoughts, and we’ll still know it’s the narrator thinking.

There’s a few spots where it’s debatable whether or not there should be a comma. But there’s also several spots where there needs to be one, but there isn’t.

Also, when a character starts talking in the middle of a paragraph, start a new paragraph.

“Sweat” should be “sweet” unless there’s a British spelling I’m not aware of.

So to recap. Really simple things cost you greatly, 90% of which could be found by any word-processor. Spelling and grammar mistakes, missing spaces/commas/periods. Had this been fixed-up before-hand, you’re looking at a 17/20 from me.


[*]*PiP**
“Onwards and Upwards”
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5/5
Tone/Voice: 5/5
Effect: 5.5/10
Overall: 15/20*

“She had followed a madman…” I needed something more for me to bite the bait on this line.

Little clues, even only a couple, small breadcrumbs to let us know something is amiss much earlier in the piece.

Keep in mind that I took “madman” to be synonymous with psycho. Like, a killer. Maybe that’s not at all what you were going for, but I assumed perhaps this was a reveal. Surprise! Guy lures gardening-group into the wilderness where nobody can hear them scream, and where there’s no cell service.

It’s really a great opportunity to sneak in suspense that builds as they go “onward and upward”.

Well written still. Just fell a little flat rather than ending on a high-note.  [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=pluralized's scores] Let me know if you spot any glitches or omissions in my scoring. Hope you don't find me to be too callous; I really did enjoy reading this batch of stories and love that I get the chance to be a part of this thing. Thank you all for submitting your work and I apologize that some of my comments will inevitably be met with rage and scorn. Just know it's done out of love. 

*Plawrence*
*The Messenger*
*Score: 15*


Definitely enjoyed the story, thought it was exciting and pretty neat. It’s one of those scenes that makes me wish for more arc, more big-picture plot. A sentence or three dropping some exposition would have nicely replaced some of that back-and-forth dialogue early on, for instance. 


I don’t really see this as specifically written to the prompt, though it’s fine to be super oblique. I sense that this story existed prior and was submitted without much thought given to the concept of “The Follower.” 


Written pretty well, though some of the descriptors didn’t melt into the background as I’d like to see in a perfect world. For instance: “Terrified, he held his breath.” – I think the word ‘terrified’ could be omitted to greater effect since we are in this intimate, frightening scene with Sammy and get the emotion without being led by the nose in this way. Similarly, watch for strange alliteration (personal thing probably) like “finally focused.”


The “length” of rebar was not a believable detail for me personally, as generally rebar is embedded in concrete and even when walls are demolished the metal bars themselves don’t generally become available for brandishing. Might have been a cool opportunity to use a futuristic pocket cutter of some kind, plaz-knife or some such. But I digress.


The action is good, kept my attention, pretty clean writing. Just would like to have seen a bit more clarity as relates to the setting and to know a wee bit more about where, what, and who. Good work overall. 


*CrimsonAngel223*
*Damien Steelthunder*
*Score: 12*


Hmm, pretty cool story. Like a video game of sorts, and ambitious. Wish it were a bit clearer and we could know a bit more about Damien’s ultimate mission in this, but ah well. It’s a fun thing to read and I liked it. Not sure it’s really in line with the prompt and it could use a lot of mechanical work in making it read easier – still glad to have read it and will look for you to enter again. Keep in mind there are 650 words allowed and you don’t have to submit until closer to deadline. 


*Bdcharles*
*Nightfairies*
*Score: 19*


I think it’s safe to say this story accomplished what it set out to, in making us wonder how much of the nightfairie and Mordie were actually real. The care taken with this piece is admirable, and I really liked it a lot. Probably one of the most elegant stories (and endings!) that I’ve read in this competition. Great job – the minotaurs were an exceptionally nice touch, as was the promise of intimacy with Mordie. If nothing else, that is a mechanism for tension which propels my suspension of disbelief along very well. This story is a contender for top spot. Only thing keeping it from being perfect in my mind was a minor slip-up in missed opportunity with regards to voice – two examples:


“She stopped. From the dancefloor, the electronic meat-grinder sounds intensified. She looked towards the noise.” – Maybe a reference to a pulsing rhythm or an auditory descriptor could work better than telling us about “sounds” and “noise” as I really didn’t get the ambience as I’m guessing you would have liked. 


Also, when he ‘felt eviscerated’ I think probably that could be a chance to give us a wee bit more of a description of internal anguish. 


Minor squawks in an otherwise wonderful piece. Thank you. 


*Atleanwordsmith*
*Friend Request*
*Score: 14*


Pretty easy to read, no real issues with spelling or anything. Voice is too careful, telling. It’s not very spicy, not taking any chances which is obvious through the first third. I don’t think we would lose much if a few sentences about their working situation were removed and a little bit of foreshadowing about the coworker pumped in. Maybe even tell us a one-sentence thing about Nathan so we can get a sense for the dynamics and why we should share in his fear of the murderer. Kind of a flat note overall for this reader, but I see potential in the tale, which makes it doubly frustrating to be spoon-fed to such an overt degree. 


Pretty good take on the prompt, and clean writing overall. 


Sorry it didn’t work better - hope you’ll enter again. 


*ppsage *
*The Legend of Follower Leyline*
*Score: 20*


Many intricate constructs that require effort to digest. One of the defining tones of the piece, I would say, is how it appears to beggar metaphoric reading-in as if the author has an inside joke working with the universe and the reader is tasked with solving its fundamental truism lest she be forever locked out in the cold winds of confusion.


Following the Ley Lines. Great take on the prompt.


Hard to know where to begin a useful commentary, the likes of which will pale beside this text you’ve concocted, but I’ll try to offer what I can. Mechanically, it’s superb. Written carefully and powerfully. Adverbs fail me. This Geezer fellow intrigues me and without fail, the voice contained within this story grips my comprehension tight. It’s brutalist grace or something. I feel as though I’ll be puzzling over this story for a long time, trying to work out whether I really understand the true nature of the color-clans and mud-people and Leyline’s real impact in guiding the geezer either closer to or farther from the Spirit Tower. Fleeting bits of understanding come and go within this story and I have to consciously reel back my conclusion-jumping sensibilities as I get deeper in. I do not believe I fully grasp the story but that’s half of the fascination I find within it. 


I particularly liked the hand-print on the geezer’s face. Brilliant detail. I envy that muddy mark. 


Wonder if I should immediately get the Indian Slough reference. Felt like I was being offered runes at times which, deep within, I should recognize and be able to propel from, which perhaps I will on the fourth reading. 


Beautiful, definitely connected to this Green World, though just obtuse and grotesque enough to require those of us whose pineal fortitude is lacking to really swim hard against the current only to be washed downstream flailing with the rest. I hope to see some of the other judges get closer to the far shoreline than I. The ley lines should coincide with a decoder which is issued at the door, and perhaps it is, but I’ve misplaced mine. 


I do not understand how the stories you have contributed to this realm have not been more widely sought out and published. There is a need for stimulating these places in our minds and scratching that particular itch and we can’t get it just anyplace. Pure 'sage, you might even say. 

 Thanks for entering.


*Godofwine*
*Unleash Hell*
*Score: 12*


Not really getting an overall sense of place here. The thing starts out with Charlie, then transitions over to Merritt Thompson - is there supposed to be an obvious connection? Then the demon has a .380 but then pulls out knives. 


Felt like if this were on TV I would have been yelling at the screen. Half the word count came from the Bible and the ending seemed to really Peter out, pun intended. 


Mostly clean though, and if it found a way to deliver up more dramatic coherence, I would score it higher. Like this “Preacher Man” guy - to hover over this story, he’s very impotent without a quick description of his motivations or his gap-toothed grin, maybe describe some evil thing he’s done and why he’s summoning this demon to begin with. 


“Unleash hell” is kind of cliche-ish and I am left at the end of this going, okay, a guy gets his head chopped off by a gun-wielding and scripture-quoting demon, who then kills his family. Entering into the supernatural like this, then leaving the stakes out there in the physical realm, just falls flat. Sorry to be so unsupportive but I think better work could have been done here to help establish the nature of what we are dealing with. I suspect the intent was that our demon was a man, but not getting the whole picture. 


*H. Brown *
*Into the party.*
*Score: 12*


Right off, the first thing that jumps at me is how the first-person narrator describes her own hair and face - I suppose she’s looking into the mirror or something but the description of her small oval face felt like something an omniscient narrator would say about a character rather than a self-thought. 


Some glitches in the writing, like “answered smiling” which seems to be missing a word or to have been overlooked. 


Lauren the screen flashed. - seemed like missing quotation marks or italics. 


Fiends >> Friends


Lots of commas that could be sprinkled throughout to help with narrative flow, in my opinion. 


Shimmed >> shimmied


As to story, there is some unique insecurity to this narrator that I like. Feels authentic and like if this beginning were fleshed out into a more robust chapter, it could start into a novel that would actually be interesting. For flash, it doesn’t quite get there. It’s a nice little scene and speaks to the value of social lubrication in the form of alcohol, but could probably get a lot of mileage out of some exposition and zooming out for some big-picture understanding of why we want Megan to be drinking on the beach or care what happens to her. Lauren gets a lot of airplay to simply disappear towards the end - I suspect you simply ran out of words with this one. 


Thanks for entering.


*Pip*
*Onwards and Upwards*
*Score: 15*


Good use of free indirect style with this one, very casual voice. I liked it. Might tone it down a bit, like the first f-bomb which felt out of place, especially on the second reading. 


In sharp contrast to that casual voice, we have constructions like “the gradient of the track had increased significantly” - I think probably an opportunity to save words and say something like ‘the path became steeper and soon they were climbing like goats’ - just looking for consistency - maybe I’m picking too much on style. 


The mis-spelled ‘decent’ vs. ‘descent’ at the end kind of flattened the ending note, but I thought it was kind of humorous. Not sure I believe it, this stroll to view a cork tree turning into a huge long hike or whatever, but it would seem a missed opportunity to have something happen that is a bit more interesting than Sarah realizing it’s further than she’d initially thought… Like I said though, good voice, good atmosphere, well written. Thanks for entering. 




  [/spoiler2]


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## bdcharles (Aug 1, 2017)

Wa-hoo! Thanks for your feedback everyone  some great entrants this time. And as ever, many appreciatings for fellow contestants, judges and hosts.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 1, 2017)

As always, I'd like to thank the judges.  It's not an easy job, and the fact that you volunteer to do it makes you guys the real stars in every LM competition.  Hats off.

I appreciate the crit and the suggestions.  Smith, I appreciate the alternate suggestion for the ending, so don't worry too much about "hijacking," the stuff you're throwing out is constructive and opens me up to possibilities I hadn't considered, so thank you.

Will definitely keep all of this in mind for the next go.


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