# Tell Me Something Funny



## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

Couldn't we all use it right about now?

ETA: I looked all over to find something to post here myself but didn't find anything.


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## dither (Apr 18, 2020)

Well? Good luck with that Ma'am.

Now if you said post something miserable..... :-k


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

I thought this was cute. It's a little boy arguing with his mother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZtH6sDUZlQ


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

Some might think this is funny, in a stupid way. I just signed up because I've heard about it and want to see it firsthand, but I have to wait for approval. 

It is a "ring shaming" group. A whole site devoted to making fun of engagement rings. I'm not sure if it's for engagement rings that one has received or for engagement rings that someone else has received, though. No praising is allowed. Yes, I am really that bored.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1953149424990254/


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## dither (Apr 18, 2020)

Yeah, it's a tough one Ma'am.

I just sit, read, lie on my bed, and try not to eat too much. It's mind-numbing.


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## Foxee (Apr 18, 2020)

I'll try and catch some of the conversations between my kids. Here's a snippet I caught not long ago as I was passing my son's bedroom and they were bickering in the doorway.

Daughter: So can I go in your room?

Son: No.

Daughter: What if you're not here?

Son: Nope.

Daughter: How about if you're dead?

Son: NO!

I found it funny, anyway, why's it worse if he's dead?

A family member has a daughter about my daughter's age:

Mom (spotting PJs on the floor): Put your PJs down the chute. We do not leave laundry in the middle of the floor.

Daughter, critically: That's not the middle.


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## Irwin (Apr 18, 2020)

This is in the news today.

Tennessee death row inmate granted stay of execution due to COVID-19.


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## Foxee (Apr 18, 2020)

C'mon, guys. We don't have to post how awful everything is in EVERY thread. Even in bad times there can be a sublime sense of the ridiculous and even some joy.


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

Here are a couple more cute videos.

Drunk monkeys:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmnzIhbX2bg

Guard geese:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbrdbo-kys8


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## hvysmker (Apr 18, 2020)

I saw two house rats this morning, wearing face masks. Can't blame this one on them.


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## dither (Apr 18, 2020)

Foxee said:


> C'mon, guys. We don't have to post how awful everything is in EVERY thread. Even in bad times there can be a sublime sense of the ridiculous and even some joy.



What we ALL need, I think, is interaction. For someone to think of something that will inspire and/or motivate.

Over to you then Foxee.:deadhorse:


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## dither (Apr 18, 2020)

hvysmker said:


> I saw two house rats this morning, wearing face masks. Can't blame this one on them.



Well? So long there weren't more than two of them together that's okay, I guess.


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

hvysmker said:


> I saw two house rats this morning, wearing face masks. Can't blame this one on them.



Was it Oscar Rat and Rocky Rat?

(Those are two of the rats featured in a couple of hvysmker's stories)


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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)

Her: Have _you_ ever hit a deer?!
Me: What, you mean like, in the _face?
Her...... __WHAT_ is the _MATTER_ with you?!

She said a bunch of other stuff too, but I couldn't hear it over the sound of how awesome I am.


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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)

As soon as quarantini days are over with, I know where I'm headed! O HELLS YES!!


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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)

BTW, there really are more than two genders!


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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)




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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)

Recycling in 2019: "I'm not an an alcoholic! I just had a party!"

Recycling in 2020: "I swear, I didn't have a party! I'm just an alcoholic!"


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## Amnesiac (Apr 18, 2020)

Okay:
Little Willie saw some dynamite
He couldn't understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Little Willie for seven days.



There once was a rather distraught poodle
Who nearly went out of his noodle.
He screamed and he cried
(and he almost died!)
All because he could not shout, "Cockadoodle!"


And finally:
One who thinks my jokes are poor
Would quickly change their views
If they compared the jokes I tell
With those I couldn't use.


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## midnightpoet (Apr 18, 2020)

Story Leatrice (my mother-in-law ) told my wife(well, her daughter).
When Leatrice was a little girl (this would be around 1910 or so) her mother took her on a church picnic.  When Leatrice saw a little boy taking a leak on an oak tree, she exclaimed “Mommy, what a great thing to take on a picnic.  Can I get one of those?”


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

midnightpoet said:


> Story Leatrice (my mother-in-law ) told my wife(well, her daughter).
> When Leatrice was a little girl (this would be around 1910 or so) her mother took her on a church picnic.  When Leatrice saw a little boy taking a leak on an oak tree, she exclaimed “Mommy, what a great thing to take on a picnic.  Can I get one of those?”



Your wife is over 110 years old?


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## midnightpoet (Apr 18, 2020)

I may have written it wrong - my wife was born in 1945, her mother about 1906.   It was her mother that told the story on herself.  It does sound strange, but my wife was adopted.  Heck, I was born in 1944, my mother in 1897.  This probably explains my brain damage.:geek:


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## RHPeat (Apr 18, 2020)

midnight

You're just 75 that's not brain damage, that's being old. 
My dad was born in 1909 I was born in 1942 — 77
We are about the same age. I have to say that 
when it comes to dates, I don't remember them correctly. 
There are too many other thoughts in the way
that I can't see past those to find my lost memory. 

It's definitely in the lost in found in some dark corner 
of my brain. If I did remember it. I would have no memory
So I'll just leave it where it's at 
knowing it's' a lost memory to be remember later. 
I feel better about it already because I don't remember
what I was trying to remember. Maybe I have
no memory. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## Ma'am (Apr 18, 2020)

Unders for two. Haha.


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## midnightpoet (Apr 18, 2020)

RHPeat said:


> midnight
> 
> You're just 75 that's not brain damage, that's being old.
> My dad was born in 1909 I was born in 1942 — 77
> ...



I'm 75?  Thought I was 76.  All I know I was one year old Jan 1, 1945. Not real good at math.  Heck, I can't remember what I've already forgot.  :-D


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## Foxee (Apr 18, 2020)

dither said:


> What we ALL need, I think, is interaction. For someone to think of something that will inspire and/or motivate.
> 
> Over to you then Foxee.:deadhorse:


Leave the dead horse alone, dither! Fine...make a limerick or paragraph using these words:

lid
snarky
poise
sparrow
rum

Let's see what we get.



Ma'am said:


> Unders for two. Haha.
> 
> View attachment 25712


The mind boggles!


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## dither (Apr 19, 2020)

No offence intended Foxee, I'm sorry. Bad choice of smilie, but then it wasn't directed at you.

That's a difficult challenge.


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## Foxee (Apr 19, 2020)

No, dither! You're fine, I'm not upset I'm just giving something like Mad Libs...which usually turn out funny. Have you ever played them?


> Make a limerick or paragraph using these words:
> 
> *lid
> snarky
> ...


I agree, making a limerick out of this would be tougher but I know Ollie is lurking and I have a feeling he has it half-written already.

The paragraph is just a fun challenge. I'll give it a shot to see if I can do it:

Just like Jack _Sparrow_, I wondered why the _rum_ was gone. Then I remembered it was because during the _snarky_ phone call with my mother about how to spell '_poise_' and whether it was even necessary to do so, I had finished the bottle. After a wistful look into the empty depths and one last college try at draining a final drop, I replaced the _lid_ and decided to switch to coffee.

Okay, I admit, that wasn't hilarious but I'm willing to see what others come up with. Feel free to use the list or I can come up with another one.


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## midnightpoet (Apr 19, 2020)

Redneck Tall Tale

Well, one day I got up with a hitch in my get-along but I was determined to go down to the lake to catch Jaws, a giant catfish. He been a burr under my saddle for years – of course, I knew better than to drink downstream from the herd or squat with my spurs on, but I was gonna try it anyhow. Jaws was as mean as a Brahma bull just out of the chute on an eight-second ride, and slick as a mess of boiled okry. 

So I fired up the Johnson and sputtered out in the middle of the lake. I figgered it’d be at least a six-beer fight so I brought extra in the cooler. I finally got him on the line but before I could reel him in he jumped into the boat and swallowed me whole. He jumped back in the lake but luckily I had my Arkansas toothpick so I filleted him from the inside. I drug him up on dry land and called several buddies and we had a big fish fry. Tasty.


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## Foxee (Apr 19, 2020)

I mugged a site on the internet and stole this one:

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”


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## clark (Apr 19, 2020)

FOXEE -- BANNED for that outrageous punchline. And condemned to read this one:

The king of a gorgeous Polynesian island was brought word that the Angweesh were coming in their ships with their guns plumdering all the gold they could find. Well this king had a lot of gold, so much in fact that he had had his craftsmen make him a gold throne, his pride and joy. He had to protect his throne from the Angweesh sailors. So he has his men rig up pulleys and ropes and haul the throne up into the rafters of the big thatch hut. Up in the rafters they weave intricate patterns of thatching all around the throne, so that it cannot be seen at all. A few days later the Angweesh do come, and they’re very upset that they can’t find any gold, but after a few days they sail away.

After the Angweesh are gone, the king is sitting on his temporary throne, looking up at the rafters, . . .when the rafters suddenly give way, and the golden throne tumbles down and squashes the king flatter than a pancake.

The moral of the story?

People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones


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## Foxee (Apr 19, 2020)

That was truly disgraceful, Clark. Respect! (And I bounded back from banning, ha!)

So now I have to inflict the *Worst Joke Ever Told* on you (at least that's what my uncle said it was).



> A man goes to the doctor and when the doctor asks him what's wrong he says, "I have a screw in my navel."
> 
> The doctor doesn't believe this until the man shows it to him. Sure enough, there's a screw fastened right into the navel.
> 
> ...




(blame my uncle, this joke is not my fault)


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## midnightpoet (Apr 19, 2020)

"Dang it's hot today, I can feel it coming up through my shoes."

"Yes, these are the climes that fry men's soles."


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## Irwin (Apr 20, 2020)

This was in the news today:

Parents fear that if their children miss too much school, they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/bor...gh-school-they-will-turn-out-like-betsy-devos


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## Foxee (Apr 20, 2020)




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## Amnesiac (Apr 20, 2020)

I need more Quarantini supplies, and Dakota is the only sober one in the house, so he's the designated driver.



(He's very conscientious and takes his driving seriously!)


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## Foxee (Apr 24, 2020)

...Amnesiac? Is that you?


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## Gofa (Apr 29, 2020)

A guy came onto a farm
there was a pig with just three legs

He came over to the farmer and said you are very caring of this pig
oh yes the farmer said
last fall my granddaughter was swimming and almost drowned  
our pig pulled her out
and the next week axle broke on cart 
our pig pulled my wife to safety
it was a close call

the stranger said oh i understand now 

Farmer nodded lighting his pipe then saying 

good pig like that 

you don't want to eat them all at once


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## Amnesiac (Apr 30, 2020)

Foxee said:


> View attachment 25735
> 
> ...Amnesiac? Is that you?



No. If it was me, it would be a chocolate bar or a whiskey-soaked towel, instead of a banana. LOL


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## Amnesiac (Apr 30, 2020)

What? What the hell is she doing outta' the kitchen?!

/ducking and running...

LMAO!


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## Gofa (Aug 13, 2020)

True it happened

Whats on my mind is too often what just came out my mouth


At breakfast in a common area of the hotel i am staying at, i was in self discussion with how many boiled eggs i should take
“What do you reckon one or two ?”
A lady was looking  at me probably thinking i was talking to her
I explained 
“sorry you cant see my invisible friend that i am talking with”
She said “yes i can”
I then queried
“Is he standing behind me because i cant see him right now”
She said “he is”
I said
“Thank you, I feel much better now I thought I had lost him”


Time to smile and walk the fuck away  her invisible friend had a lean and hungry look


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## Chris Stevenson (Aug 17, 2020)

Hmm....I can post something miserable and funny at the same time.

I'm ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road--older than Triassic rock and carry more baggage than a Carnival cruise. I'm perfect for a dating site.


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## dither (Aug 17, 2020)

Chris Stevenson said:


> Hmm....I can post something miserable and funny at the same time.
> 
> I'm ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road--older than Triassic rock and carry more baggage than a Carnival cruise. I'm perfect for a dating site.



You should see me, but then, no, maybe not a good idea.


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## Lee Messer (Aug 18, 2020)

Q: How are you doing today?

A: Relatively ok.

Reply: Um. ok.


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## Gofa (Aug 18, 2020)

another true story
In Hilton lounge bar in Charleston USA

Oh dear i could not stop myself


Noisey sales manager eagerly charging everyones drinks to his card
big third quarter sales achievement   Yeah whatever 


Yes this really happened
Noisey group at bar lead by  regional sales manager Bob  yes his real name
I thought Dick intuitively but was off the mark


Noisey stuck up bunch
In response  yes really
Asked bar lady   Do they have a cocktail drink called 4 hookers 
No  she said with a questioning look 
So i asked  do you have a cocktail drink called half a pound of Cocaine
Again sadly she said  no  this time smiling 


Damn i said i would have loved to charged 4 hookers and half a pound of cocaine to Bob’s Card and bar tab 


The later expense claim analysis and request for explanation by Head Office would have been hilarious

I could Imagine Dick / Bob Saying But but but  it wasn't me


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## dither (Aug 18, 2020)

Gofa, your life is anything but boring.
I look forward to reading your memoirs, in the meantime.................


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## Gofa (Aug 18, 2020)

D you got me remembering 

Another true story cause you cant make this stuff up 


Im fresh of the plane sitting in a mall in Boston   9am local time which equates to 4am body time
Im so tired i sent my wife to get starbucks coffee while i sit vacantly staring around
A sixty plus year old woman well dressed except for the above the knee leather boots comes and sits to my right and asked the time
I answer 9.30am  
She replies 9.28 and i reply close enough
There is pause as i am basically brain dead 
Then this lady turns to me and says 
“I live with a woman”
This goes in my ears but the gears grind to a holt in a WTF moment
Seeking to accomodate this strange person i decide i will reply
“I live with a woman too”
I hold her eyes and mine Im sure are cold and dark 
She continues
“This morning when i woke the woman i live with had put on my clothes and worn them”
There is this tugging feeling in your brain   Does not compute   Is she going to offer chocolate if go with her. 
Again i turn my head slowly in my sleep deprived haze and answer
“This morning when i woke the woman i live with while i like her clothes and be happy to where them is too small for me to fit them”
Again holding eye contact challenging the What fuck are you going to say next your crazy thing
30 seconds goes by which is an eternity With eye contact and finally she nods
“I think i better go know”
I just stay looking and nod slowly
She gets up and walks off 
My wife returns with coffee laughing as she had been watching
She notes
“You do attract the crazies eh”
“Yup I do


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## dither (Aug 20, 2020)

Gofa,

I don't get people sidling up to me anywhere because I rarely sit, or linger even, anywhere. My wife once suggested that I had this huge advertising board, that was visible only to Joe public that went,  something along the lines of, "calling all numpties, downans and drop-outs, please talk to me".

It's funny, maybe because of the way I walk, my posture perhaps, I don't know, but nowadays, I've been out and about, seen people handing out fliers and they've avoided me like covid.:scratch:
Having said that, I've seen them approaching me and with a shake of my head have sent them packing. What a horrible human being I must be, soured by my own life-experiences.


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## dither (Aug 20, 2020)

Gofa said:


> D you got me remembering
> 
> Another true story cause you cant make this stuff up
> 
> ...




The memoirs Gofa, the memoirs.:cookie:


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## dither (Aug 20, 2020)

My funniest life-experiences happened at bus-stops, one of the few places where one has no choice but to linger but now, since I've retired, I rarely go anywhere on buses and with this covid business it's down to zero. Y'know? I always said that when I retired I'd be in my local library queuing for my free bus-pass and I was really going to milk that thing but now, I  don't like to ask  so I don't think I shall ever be the proud owner of an old-person's bus-pass. Even if I did, I'd feel awkward about using it.

Life eh?


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## Gofa (Aug 20, 2020)

Oh dear  yes ive remembered another

in USA some mall and this woman was getting really irate i was the tenth person that day who had whatever etc etc 

im just amazed  i really did not care

but oh dear that poor impulse control surfaces

i lean a little closer and say

”I suppose now is not a good time to ask for sex”

she said about three more words before my question filtered in 
then silence

but i was already walking away 

Clint Eastwood   Go ahead make my day


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## Pulse (Aug 20, 2020)

The only expansion of ETA I know is estimated time of arrival.  What do you mean here, Ma'am?


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## Gofa (Aug 20, 2020)

Example to all


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## Amnesiac (Aug 21, 2020)

In the checkout line, I was grateful there was someone near, because I felt a sneeze coming on. I sneezed into her elbow. I don't know why she got so mad. Some people! Hrmph!


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## Lee Messer (Aug 22, 2020)

[video=youtube;KLODGhEyLvk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLODGhEyLvk[/video]


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## Amnesiac (Sep 10, 2020)

Her: "Wanna see a pic of my fur-babies?"

Me: "Fur-babies? Hey, why aren't human babies called, 'SKIN-babies?'"

Her: "...... WHAT is the MATTER with you?!"

Me: You'd be surprised at how often I hear that. Eh... Or not."


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## Lumiiberry (Jan 18, 2021)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0hw8ruo_5g&list=PLKOFc2Br0CNnhK6Z7GMNNOI3mMNlAu6ay&index=1

This bunny has the best comedic timing.


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## Kent_Jacobs (Jan 19, 2021)

When I was 14 I went fishing with my Father. It was a sublime day, but I wasn't there to fish, I was there to bird watch. Having walked for a while, I found myself cut short. I desperately had to go! So, I found a branch low enough to sit on. There I was with my trousers round my ankles, feet dangling, paper at the ready ... As I commenced (ahem), I swung forward slightly on the branch and caught more than a fish. It was an uncomfortable afternoon.


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## Gofa (Jan 21, 2021)

I was in a Air B&B in Colorado 
Above the toilet was written

Stand Closer its Shorter than you Think


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