# First Story Post under 500 wds



## Lsahlm (Feb 12, 2016)

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.


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## Flint (Feb 12, 2016)

I quite liked this. It has a nice mythology story feel to it. I also found Sapori's cunning/manipulation (and general character) quite amusing.

There were a few bits and pieces in terms of SPaG which I might have done differently. One of them would be changing 'Everybody's a showoff' to 'Everybody was being a showoff'.


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## Lsahlm (Feb 12, 2016)

Thanks so much, Flint. Pardon my ignorance, but what's SPaG? Not up on the latest terms.
I wrote the 'showoff' that way because I went straight to Sapori's head. Those were _his_ words/thinking. His "now" but in the past, if that makes sense. Italics seemed redundant. But if readers find that jarring or out-of-place, it can be so easily changed to your suggestion. Thanks for the observation.


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## am_hammy (Feb 13, 2016)

SPaG is 'spelling and grammar' =)

To add with what Flint said, it probably would be to figure out how to separate his thoughts. You don't necessarily have to use italics. You could make the thoughts their own lines. They jarred me as well and I noticed that the tense shifts slightly. Example:



> Two deities huddled(fine as is) around the jerky fire in front of Sapori, (their words slurred)both slurring from too many goblets of peach nectar.   Now(could take or leave it) the prattle would intensify (intensified)  because of their loosened wits.




Now, if that last line was inner thoughts, that would be a different story, but knowing there was a time for inner thoughts, it can seem confusing. But as Flint said, just minor tweaks. You have a solid concept though and I like the dialogue overall. Gods can be very vain and presumptuous as well so the subject matter within their dialogue. A suggestion: Maybe you can boost different characters Vocabulary. Some gods can sound more haughty than others. Some can also sound more drunk. You could have certain gods elaborate even more on the children's accomplishments as well and more realistic slurring from others given the nature of their little gathering with the drinks.

If you're wanting a skim through of potential grammar, punctuation just say the word, but I'm not sure if you're looking for that many technicalities at the moment. They are more nit picks than anything. Just some thoughts for now =)

Thanks for sharing!


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## Flint (Feb 13, 2016)

Yeah, some great suggestions from Hammy, and I agree that the core of it is solid. The style reminds me of stories I used to read before I became a teenager and started wolfing down things like Conan: Aesop's Fables, mythology books from around the world, Just So stories, etc.

I'd personally go for italics to make it as easy as possible for the reader to decode. I'd say this would be especially important if your target audience were to include younger folks. But, of course, there are lots of ways of doing it.  Another thing to consider might be to change the wording slightly to make it more clear it's thought: 'Everybody's such a showoff!' or 'What showoffs they all are!'


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## Lsahlm (Feb 13, 2016)

am_hammy said:


> SPaG is 'spelling and grammar' =)
> 
> To add with what Flint said, it probably would be to figure out how to separate his thoughts. You don't necessarily have to use italics. You could make the thoughts their own lines. They jarred me as well and I noticed that the tense shifts slightly. Example:
> 
> ...



That's two, so consider that line changed. Most likely exactly the way Flint stated prev. I think that will flow better. Great idea to add more authentic 'drunkenness' and voice variety. Both Nobe and Ilaexi tell a tale and their manners of doing so are very different (Nobe=haughty; Ilaexi=casual), so it makes sense to preclude that difference early on (this scene). Thanks for that. 

Frankly, I didn't think there were many probs at all with SPaG, so if there's something you noticed, most definitely let know!


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## Lsahlm (Feb 13, 2016)

Flint said:


> Another thing to consider might be to change the wording slightly to make it more clear it's thought: 'Everybody's such a showoff!' or 'What showoffs they all are!'



That right there I think is the key. Love it. 
Thanks again F.


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## lvcabbie (Feb 13, 2016)

I know I often sound like a broken record but I would like to see more SHOWING in this story - especially the opening paragraph. Don't just tell us this: _This was what Sapori hated most about the Mt. Cumulus Biennial Gods  Convention: the boasting. What started out as a way to better the  relations among goddesses and gods of the lands and realms, had degraded  to brag fest. Everybody's a showoff._

SHOW US!


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## Lsahlm (Feb 13, 2016)

lvcabbie said:


> I know I often sound like a broken record but I would like to see more SHOWING in this story - especially the opening paragraph. Don't just tell us this: _This was what Sapori hated most about the Mt. Cumulus Biennial Gods  Convention: the boasting. What started out as a way to better the  relations among goddesses and gods of the lands and realms, had degraded  to brag fest. Everybody's a showoff._
> 
> SHOW US!



I thought I did just that directly after that paragraph. Not well enough? The open was to establish the who, where, and what. Expanding on the convention itself had little to do with the story as a whole, but expanding on the showing off is what (I thought) I did.


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## am_hammy (Feb 15, 2016)

Nah, I honestly didn't see anything that is major. I'm not overly familiar with punctuation within dialogue, as it's been awhile since I've written something with line breaks like that so I can't help you there haha. Don't wanna give the wrong information. But the one thing I noticed was the very end, the last line where you say "Nobe began." That either sounds like it should come after a bit of dialogue or not mentioned at all. OR, adding a little bit more to it like "Nobe began his tale..." etc. etc. something to add more. It just read oddly to me, but that's more personal preference than grammatical incorrectness. That's how I see it anyway.


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## Lsahlm (Feb 15, 2016)

am_hammy said:


> Nah, I honestly didn't see anything that is major. I'm not overly familiar with punctuation within dialogue, as it's been awhile since I've written something with line breaks like that so I can't help you there haha. Don't wanna give the wrong information. But the one thing I noticed was the very end, the last line where you say "Nobe began." That either sounds like it should come after a bit of dialogue or not mentioned at all. OR, adding a little bit more to it like "Nobe began his tale..." etc. etc. something to add more. It just read oddly to me, but that's more personal preference than grammatical incorrectness. That's how I see it anyway.



Thanks AH. "Nobe began..." segues directly to the next scene with his story, so "Nobe began his tale..." reads much better. Thanks. 
Sometimes I'm a little too succinct.


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## am_hammy (Feb 15, 2016)

Hey, no problem! That's why we're here to help ya out! Definitely post some more of this if you'd like. I'd be interested in reading it.


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## bdcharles (Feb 15, 2016)

I like it. The language is good; rich and evocative, and it's clear what the situation is. I'd be interested in the story Nobe is about to take us on. 

Coupla things, which are really just personal preference:

"Everybody's a showoff." -> Do we need this? It scuffs an otherwise smooth voice imo.

"He leaned back against a pillar and let their words, the boundless tripe they were, slip into the mountain air"
-> Maybe smoosh the "words" and the tripe into one, otherwise it sets Sapori up as a bit of a complainer whereas he could be more sympathetic and cool here. Also gets rid of "they were" type excess:
"He leaned back against a pillar and let the boundless tripe of their words slip into the mountain air"
Or even decouple it from his perception and simply let it play out as-is:
"He leaned back against a pillar as the boundless tripe of their words slipped into the mountain air"


"Ilaexi." She raised her goblet to signal one of the cherubs for a refill. 
-> "to signal" just sounds a little fiddly here. Maybe:
 "Ilaexi." She raised her goblet, signaling one of the cherubs for a refill.

But good. Liked.


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## Lsahlm (Feb 15, 2016)

am_hammy said:


> Hey, no problem! That's why we're here to help ya out! Definitely post some more of this if you'd like. I'd be interested in reading it.



I'm giving Nobe's story a re-read and I'll prob post when I'm done. I'm trying to leave a little space so I don't "flood." Wanna re-start on a good foot.



bdcharles said:


> I like it. The language is good; rich and evocative, and it's clear what the situation is. I'd be interested in the story Nobe is about to take us on.
> 
> Coupla things, which are really just personal preference:
> 
> ...


Every time I read that line, it feels like a "tack on." So yeah, I'll most likely drop it. Doesn't really add anything since I already mention the 'boasting' so I'm sort of repeating myself. Thx.

That one little change with Ilaexi sounds great to me. I've already re-worded it. Don't sue me for plagiarism!

Nobe's tale comin up soon...
Thanks for the interest.


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