# Hillbilly Havens



## Origen (Jul 6, 2013)

I was born in a small city or large town in Colorado.  In my hometown a shotgun rack came standard with every truck sold.  The greatest teenage pastime consisted of jumping off cliffs into the Colorado River and praying you were strong enough to fight with the current.  That was our watchword, see--FIGHT.  If it wasn't a fight with the elements, then it was a fight with in-laws.  Or the Clampetts.  Or your wife.  The grass roots of Cops sprung from towns like this.  I remember a backwoods place called Moonfarm where they would take us kids on 'field trips', but in our case we actually went to visit--a field.  That's what Moonfarm was.  Sometimes, deep under the whiskey bent moon, we would hear stories of families just east of this farm.  Dark, delirious stories that would chime well with Deliverence, but as young lads we were too young for that fine film.  I also have random memories of mammoth moths and a deluge of dirt clods, forts assembled in rustic enclaves by the river, and tramping upon the fresh snow in soaking wet snow boots.  Then I moved to the Big City.  Phoenix, Arizona.

Little did I know of the big city, that palm trees and endless development meant nothing.  Here was Mayberry on a grand scale:  only with more crime (a lot) and a dry heat.  But the sidewalks would roll up at 10pm, and the cultural sophistication I encountered ran thus, "Phoenix is the only large city in the world where more people know who Garth Brooks is than Micheal Jackson."  That was Charles Barkley, and his arrival was a watershed moment for the city.  Entire families ceased their daily routines to make pilgrimmages, epics were ensconced, and legends were made.  The boredom had ceased.  Even Sir Charles was surprised to find that you could buy a truck that did not have a shotgun rack.  But he came from Alabama, see?  He was also a refugee from another Hillbilly Haven.

One day in my twenties I decided to settle down.  And my wife was a product of the Deep South.  How this happened I will never know.  Perhaps it was fate.  Maybe I was mesmerized by her grandmother's tales of whittling pipes beneath the moon, or drinking bathtub gin from a jug.  It was all so familiar, and yet I knew I was not striving for more of the same.  See, after traveling to a few places, like New York, I saw that our planet was larger than I had first assumed.  Amazing spectacles were there, like museums and actors in tights.  Having just read The Catcher in the Rye upon my first visit, I was debriefed on feigning New York sophistication.  But the clock runs out for us all, and soon I gave in to inertia.  And so, more than a decade later came my betrothal to a hillbilly queen.  And perhaps my sophistication had carried me too far. At first opposites attract--and then they attack.  So we were doomed from the start.

And now I am once again a solitary man.  I have moved my rusty Cadillac down by the river.  They don't get pizza delivery here.  I've been hooked on pork rinds, fritos, and beer.  As the lazy river swims beneath my little abode, I am resigned to live my life in the first and last enclave that would ever have me.  Everything has become a big blur of achy-breaky tunes and great grandstanding trucks with mammoth wrestlers astride them.  We all learn to love Big Brother, right?  Even if his name is Cletus and he's bringing us a fresh can of worms.


----------



## bazz cargo (Aug 21, 2013)

This is great!
I'm not sure it is funny. 

Loved the turns of phrasing. 



> Little did I know of the big city, that palm trees and endless development meant nothing


 I think you could lose 'that.'

This feels like a jumping off point  rather than a piece in its own right. Okay, so the plot has echoes of other stories, what doesn't? A strong MC with wry sense of humour will make this very special.

Thank you for sharing
Bazz


----------



## Oddball (Aug 22, 2013)

I just died a little inside, this was so glorious. I can die in peace lol


----------



## Origen (Sep 5, 2013)

bazz cargo said:


> This is great!
> I'm not sure it is funny.
> 
> Loved the turns of phrasing.
> ...



Thank you for reading and sharing your input.  I don't quite know if this is humor, either.  Sometimes tears must flow before the healing begins.  As Steve Martin says to D. Hannah in Roxanne, "Oh, irony.  We don't get that here--since most people here ski topless while smoking dope."  I'd like to think of it as an unfinished piece, as I'll have to live through the rest of it before I can write an appropriate ending.


----------



## TheWriteStuff (Feb 9, 2014)

I'm just going to write my thoughts in red as I go through. Hope this helps you get inside this reader's head.

I was born in a small city or large town in Colorado. Would pick just one (small city or large town). Having both was a little confusing. In my hometown a  shotgun rack came standard with every truck sold.  The greatest teenage  pastime consisted of jumping off cliffs into the Colorado River and  praying you were strong enough to fight with the current.  That was our  watchword, see--FIGHT. Like how these past two sentences work together. Gives a unique sense of what the town is like. If it wasn't a fight with the elements, then it  was a fight with in-laws.  Or the Clampetts.  Not sure who these people are, but excited to read on and find out. Or your wife.  The grass  roots of Cops sprung from towns like this.  Sentence feels a little awkward. I can sort of understand what you're saying, but you might want to clarify or rewrite. I remember a backwoods place  called Moonfarm where they would take us kids on 'field trips', but in  our case we actually went to visit--a field.  That's what Moonfarm was.   Sometimes, deep under the whiskey bent moon, we would hear stories of  families just east of this farm.  Dark, delirious stories that would  chime well with Deliverence, but as young lads we were too young for  that fine film.  Stories from the farm are interesting, but you've now given us two different areas that are outside the main area of the story. It is a bit distracting and almost too much context. I'd choose just one to keep. I also have random memories of mammoth moths and a  deluge of dirt clods, forts assembled in rustic enclaves by the river,  and tramping upon the fresh snow in soaking wet snow boots.  Then I  moved to the Big City.  Phoenix, Arizona. The mentioning of the Colorado river earlier made me think this took place in Colorado, so when you said the Big City, I imagined Denver.

Little did I know of the big city, that palm trees and endless  development meant nothing.  A bit confusing. Here was Mayberry on a grand scale:  only  with more crime (a lot) and a dry heat.  But the sidewalks would roll up  at 10pm, and the cultural sophistication I encountered ran thus,  "Phoenix is the only large city in the world where more people know who  Garth Brooks is than Micheal Jackson."  Great and telling quote. That was Charles Barkley, and  his arrival was a watershed moment for the city.  Entire families ceased  their daily routines to make pilgrimmages, epics were ensconced, and  legends were made.  The boredom had ceased.  Even Sir Charles was  surprised to find that you could buy a truck that did not have a shotgun  rack.  But he came from Alabama, see?  He was also a refugee from  another Hillbilly Haven. Are you talking about Charles Barkley the basketball player? At this point I'm a little confused and not really sure what the point of the story is. The first paragraph was about the main character's experience living in a small town. The second paragraph is the main character's experience living in a big city as it compares to the small town. Where is the conflict?

One day in my twenties I decided to settle down.  You could start with this sentence and move the top two paragraphs later into the story. And my wife was a  product of the Deep South.  How this happened I will never know.   Perhaps it was fate.  Maybe I was mesmerized by her grandmother's tales  of whittling pipes beneath the moon, or drinking bathtub gin from a jug.   It was all so familiar, and yet I knew I was not striving for more of  the same.  See, after traveling to a few places, like New York, I saw  that our planet was larger than I had first assumed.  Amazing spectacles  were there, like museums and actors in tights.  Having just read The  Catcher in the Rye upon my first visit, I was debriefed on feigning New  York sophistication.  But the clock runs out for us all, and soon I gave  in to inertia.  And so, more than a decade later came my betrothal to a  hillbilly queen.  And perhaps my sophistication had carried me too far.  At first opposites attract--and then they attack.  So we were doomed  from the start. These are all interesting paragraphs, but I'm still not sure how they all interconnect. I'm also not getting any sense of comedy coming through the writing.

And now I am once again a solitary man.  I have moved my rusty Cadillac  down by the river.  They don't get pizza delivery here.  I've been  hooked on pork rinds, fritos, and beer.  As the lazy river swims beneath  my little abode, I am resigned to live my life in the first and last  enclave that would ever have me.  Everything has become a big blur of  achy-breaky tunes and great grandstanding trucks with mammoth wrestlers  astride them.  We all learn to love Big Brother, right?  Even if his  name is Cletus and he's bringing us a fresh can of worms. What happened to the wife? Why is he by the river now?


----------



## ris (Mar 6, 2014)

Overall excellent as a layout or a hook, if you could stretch it out with anecdotes I think it could make an interesting longer piece, but maybe that would take away from the simple essence of it. The imagery is perfect. Only thing is that it's not very funny, and looking for the joke distracted from the prose.


----------



## Mudgeon Ramblings (Jun 15, 2014)

epics were ensconced-clumsy
small city or large town -pick one
And my wife was a product of the Deep South. How this happened I will never know-remove 'and, make one sentence connect it with 'so'

Overall pretty good- as with many others, an editor is your most pressing need.


----------



## InstituteMan (Jun 15, 2014)

As a hillbilly myself, I can relate. This piece is well executed with the acknowledgement that some worthwhile edits have been pointed out above.

This feels like a prologue to a longer memoir type work. There is a lot to expand on here.


----------



## zenor (Jul 1, 2014)

Not sure if this is humor but i liked it. 
Well the pointed out errors should probably be fixed.


----------



## Courtjester (Nov 13, 2014)

Hello, Origen. I found your tale a pleasing read and like the way you paint pictures with few words. Hope to read more from your pen. Courtjester.


----------

