# The Trials of a Girl--Content Warning



## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 10, 2017)

The Trials of a Girl

I may not know much- girls either know what not to do, by not getting raped
I may not know what a girl thinks- they only want to be closer to their gender, to stay away from nasty men
I may not know how to be a girl- I wore my father’s clothes for too long, mentally
I may not know how to be a lady- I scream at men who don’t get my attention
I may not know how to be person- but that is for me to wonder and for you to spread my legs
I may not know how to be daring- but I can be myself and tell you that I am no different from you
the opposite sex
I am living the trials of a girl, a girl who is confused, lonely, on her period, I am a girl with problems
And for you to spread my legs, only if your handsome and with tattoos!


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## Ell337 (Jan 10, 2017)

I think that this poem should have carried a sensitive topic warning for the rape and general content.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 10, 2017)

Yes for sure! Apologies.


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## clark (Jan 11, 2017)

The poem is so riddled with errors in coherence, punctuation, logic, grammar, and sentence sense that the content is not even _available_, never mind offensive.  Erotica, even flat-out pornography, can be stimulating, philosophical, satirical, and humorous. . .but before any of those admirable goals can be reached, the writing must be impeccable.  I hope that CrimsonAngel will consider a rewrite, so that we can have a thoughtful concept and fully available text to critique.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 11, 2017)

Is it that bad? I thought the concept was there? It is about the perspective of a girl.


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## Ariel (Jan 11, 2017)

I wasn't going to say anything until you commented this. 



CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Is it that bad? I thought the concept was there? It is about the perspective of a girl.



No, it isn't. It's an immature male perspective of how a girl might think.  This doesn't represent a girl or woman, at all. It's lazy, disrespectful, and offensive.  It takes any agency and personhood from the "girl" of the poem and doesn't do a good job of hiding it.


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## Kevin (Jan 11, 2017)

Ariel said:


> I wasn't going to say anything until you commented this.
> 
> 
> 
> No, it isn't. It's an immature male perspective of how a girl might think.  This doesn't represent a girl or woman, at all. It's lazy, disrespectful, and offensive.  It takes any agency and personhood from the "girl" of the poem and doesn't do a good job of hiding it.


Well... He did give it a shot. Way to take chances, uh, Crimson. Didn't quite work but that was a tough subject to try to... 'do'. As far as not representing anything at all? I think it represents someone trying to figure why some people do some stupid-... .... Some people, I said. It happens.


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

The first two lines are offensive on so many levels I don't even want to get started.


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## Kevin (Jan 11, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> The first two lines are offensive on so many levels I don't even want to get started.


I have no idea what they even meant together. Is there a line missing? When you use 'either' it's expected that there will be an 'or' (some sort of contrast), not a 'by'.


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

I am not talking about critically, or about the errors, or why this an abysmally bad poem. I'm talking about the ideas expressed in the first two lines. 


I may not know much- girls either know what not to do, by not getting raped - 

1. It isn't only women who get raped. 
2. Rape is a violent act that violates a person in the most intimate way possible. 
3. There isn't a person on the planet who invites rape, who wants rape, or who copes well with rape. 

So until you actually know something about the subject by speaking to people (with some COMPASSION! which is entirely lacking here along with any appearance of any understanding of the issues) just be quiet. And honestly starting a poem this juvenile and lacking in understanding with a very backwards and male-centric notion of rape is offensive and completely unacceptable. 

I may not know what a girl thinks- they only want to be closer to their gender, to stay away from nasty men

Well you got one thing right - you do not know how girls think. 

I may not know how to be a girl- I wore my father’s clothes for too long, mentally

This may be the ONLY thought in this entire poem that actually has a valid point to it that is worth exploring. Go think very long and hard about what it might mean and how you might learn something from exploring it. 

I may not know how to be a lady- I scream at men who don’t get my attention

Only if you are really really childish. 

I may not know how to be person- but that is for me to wonder and for you to spread my legs

So we went from a rape reference to sluttish behaviour and inviting 'rape' sex fantasies. 

I may not know how to be daring- but I can be myself and tell you that I am no different from you
the opposite sex

I am living the trials of a girl, a girl who is confused, lonely, on her period, I am a girl with problems

You have problems alright and it's not because you are menstruating. 

And for you to spread my legs, only if your handsome and with tattoos!

Please why don't you just go into the bathroom instead of inflicting this nonsense on us?


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## Ariel (Jan 11, 2017)

We can discuss the content and the incoherentness of the poem as a whole all day.

Being offensive is fine in art and pushing boundaries is as well.  Stating that the purpose of this piece was to try to explore the perspective of a girl is a real problem. I don't think it's trying to explore the perspective of a girl. I think it's _lashing out_ at a girl for rejecting the writer in preference for another person.


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## sas (Jan 11, 2017)

I try very hard to not critique content. This one makes it difficult, though. I will just say the poem is so abysmally poor it cannot be work-shopped by me. Should you re-write it with poetic care, I'd take another look. As a suggestion, perhaps your re-write could address how you came by this point of view. Best. sas


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## Firemajic (Jan 11, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> The Trials of a Girl
> 
> I may not know much- girls either know what not to do, by not getting raped
> I may not know what a girl thinks- they only want to be closer to their gender, to stay away from nasty men
> ...





Well, I read this as a very young female, who is struggling with her sexuality ,and how to relate to the male gender... I also read this line " I wore my father's clothes for too long mentally" as the female struggling to come to terms with her self worth, which had been damaged by the things her father said to her, which lead me to believe that her father had destroyed her self worth and self esteem....


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

Firemajic said:


> Well, I read this as a very young female, who is struggling with her sexuality ,and how to relate to the male gender... I also read this line " I wore my father's clothes for too long mentally" as the female struggling to come to terms with her self worth, which had been damaged by the things her father said to her, which lead me to believe that her father had destroyed her self worth and self esteem....



If the OP is female, but after the masturbation poem which was distinctly male-centric, and several notions in this are also male-centric I'd hazard a guess that they are not. 

That line is the only one with an interesting thought that is worth exploring for the OP - poetically and for the potential for personal growth.


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## sas (Jan 11, 2017)

Fire...  Yes, the line "I wore my father's clothes for too long mentally" is quite good & and should have been the pivotal turn in the poem to explain the beginning. At least, to me. It would then have some poetic merit. What are your thoughts on that, CrimsonAngel?


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## Firemajic (Jan 11, 2017)

Ell337 said:


> If the OP is female, but after the masturbation poem which was distinctly male-centric, and several notions in this are also male-centric I'd hazard a guess that they are not.
> 
> That line is the only one with an interesting thought that is worth exploring for the OP - poetically and for the potential for personal growth.



One poem has nothing to do with the other.. A writer should be capable of writing all kinds of different things and different POV... I am not a Psycho, but I sure as hell can write like one... hahaaa....


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## Firemajic (Jan 11, 2017)

sas said:


> Fire...  Yes, the line "I wore my father's clothes for too long mentally" is quite good & and should have been the pivotal turn in the poem to explain the beginning. At least, to me. It would then have some poetic merit. What are your thoughts on that, CrimsonAngel?





I would so love to steal that line, and the context of this poem and go crazzzy... it has my tiny mind spinning and inspired...
I see this young girl as someone who has been abused mentally, and feels worthless, in the eyes of men...


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## sas (Jan 11, 2017)

Ell....yep, you and I feel the same way about that line. It is where the poem becomes a poem. Hope it is re-written with that in mind. I'd remove "mentally" from the line, though. I'd have poem show what is meant. "mentally" is too much of a tell for me, anyway.


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 11, 2017)

Oops I wrote something.. removed*


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

to speak to the issue of 'offensiveness'. there is a profound differences between being "offensive" in confronting preconceptions or prejudices etc, and being offensive because your ignorance / wrong attitudes are showing.


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## sas (Jan 11, 2017)

I've offended many with my ideas written in poetry. I'm always appreciative of those who just make workshop comments without judging my content, especially when I'm sure they disagree with me. I always applaud them because I know how difficult it is to do. I'm quite opinionated and often must check myself, at great effort, when I read something that sets me on fire.


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## Kevin (Jan 11, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Oops I wrote something.. removed*


if only I could erase some things in real life.


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## Phil Istine (Jan 11, 2017)

There was a thread somewhere about "who is the 'I' in poetry?"
Going by memory (so I may be wrong), it was something about writing poetry from a perspective other than the poet's.
I have found that difficult too.  I once tried to write from the perspective of a racist (I'm not).  That didn't go down very well either.  It was a harsh lesson: keep it simple and don't try anything too fancy until I can write better.


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## PiP (Jan 11, 2017)

Phil Istine said:


> There was a thread somewhere about "who is the 'I' in poetry?"
> Going by memory (so I may be wrong), it was something about writing poetry from a perspective other than the poet's.
> I have found that difficult too.  I once tried to write from the perspective of a racist (I'm not).  That didn't go down very well either.  It was a harsh lesson: keep it simple and don't try anything too fancy until I can write better.



It
was written by Clark and posted here
http://www.writing-forums.info/appearance-and-reality-who-is-the-i-in-a-poem/


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## sas (Jan 11, 2017)

Although, there is much to be learned by putting oneself in another's shoes. But, few can do it well. Pity.


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## Kevin (Jan 11, 2017)

PiP;2056617
was written by Clark and posted here
[URL said:
			
		

> http://www.writing-forums.info/appearance-and-reality-who-is-the-i-in-a-poem/[/URL]


Interesting. So... You could write from character, like an actor playing a character, or from yourself. Why not?


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## CrimsonAngel223 (Jan 11, 2017)

Wow thank you for the comments, jesus! I am creating quite a thread here huh?


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## Ell337 (Jan 11, 2017)

CrimsonAngel223 said:


> Wow thank you for the comments, jesus! I am creating quite a thread here huh?



I'm not sure that's the take-away here


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## Sam (Jan 11, 2017)

We're going to cease with the personal comments right now. Critique the _work, _not the poster or the poster's morals. 

That applies to everyone who has posted in this thread.


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## aj47 (Jan 12, 2017)

This is going to be long.  I figure you're in the Workshop because you're seriously interested in making this into something.  I'm putting in line numbers to make referencing the various lines easier.



CrimsonAngel223 said:


> The Trials of a Girl
> 
> L1 - I may not know much- girls either know what not to do, by not getting raped
> This is grammatically poorly constructed.  The word *either* makes a promise to the reader that you will give a minimum of two options.  You give one.  And not a full one.  Also, if you mean an emdash, either use the actual emdash — or use two hyphens.
> ...



Your protagonist appears to be a confused boy who wants to be spread by a tattooed hunk but thinks he needs to be a girl and needs to be forced for it to be acceptable.  The anaphora doesn't work as it is now--I'm not sure you can make it work with the current ending as it is rather weak. Perhaps, after all the *I may not know* lines, say something that you *do *know—own the protagonist's desire for the tattooed hunk.  I'd drop L6 and L7 and put the closing there, after your mention of leg-spreading.  And don't use that phrase twice—say it a different way to show us more of it.

This has potential.  Work on it.


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