# like a penguin that flies



## ned (Jan 18, 2016)

_.

_


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## Firemajic (Jan 18, 2016)

ned said:


> _.
> like a penguin that flies
> under the sea
> 
> ...




This is fierce!! Completely sublime... any comment that I could make would sound.. trite and cliché..


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## RHPeat (Jan 19, 2016)

Nice poem Ned. 
I like the use of accentual bi-meter. You held it well until the last two stanzas. That threw me a bit. This is the two couplets in question. 

So your use of accentual meter might not have been intentional at all; as something on your part; which says you have a good handle on the accents in the line. This is where the meter is lost. Accentual meter only counts the accents, not syllables like syllabic meter, and not feet like accentual syllabic meter. So its the stresses in the lines. A very old form of internal line rhythm. Before the influence of iambs with accentual syllabic meter. It can be just as well done.



ned said:


> _.
> 
> like a dead man raised
> atop of the pyre
> ...



Try this: say it out loud and see if you hear the difference in the accents. Just hit on the accents again and you'll get it right away. One of them is forced. But you'll get it. 

_a dead man raised
atop the pyre

a man praised
for lighting the fire_

_______________________
Thanks for sharing. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## bree1433 (Jan 19, 2016)

I really like how each stanza creates a picture that I can see in my own mind. They also hold power because of your word choice and how you structured your poem. I think you did a really nice job with this.


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## inkwellness (Jan 20, 2016)

> _a saviour dying
> to put things right_


 ~great line!

This is a fabulous piece, Ned!


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## ned (Jan 21, 2016)

hello everyone - thanks for reading and your comments.

RH - I appreciate the analysis - I tried to stick with some sort of format
but I didn't know it's called accentual bi-meter - fabulous!

see what you mean with the final stanza, yet, I felt that I needed to give the reader pause here,
rather then run straight on from the previous stanza - like the start of something new.
have to think about that.

cheers
Ned


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## Gumby (Jan 21, 2016)

Juls said it all... this is fierce!


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## ned (Jan 25, 2016)

hello RH,

Have thought about your suggestion (a lot!) and have come up with a compromise (fudge)

_a dead man raised
atop the pyre

a man being praised
for lighting the fire

_re-directing the focus on the final stanza (as it should be, having thought about it).
but the penultimate line needs to hang, for a tad, I feel.

thanks again for your detailed discussion on the comparison of poetic rhythms - makes me feel more like a legitimate poet!
where do you learn all that stuff? - syllables and stresses, marvelous!

Fire , nothing you could say would ever be 'trite and cliché' - and you're too kind, as ever.

thanks for the endorsement of that line, Inky. I didn't know if it had the right tone.

Fierce! - yes, sorry about that. One of those poems that evolved as I wrote it, despite my best intentions.

I have edited and updated poem.

cheers
Ned


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## RHPeat (Jan 25, 2016)

Ned 

You do yourself a favor when you look at any suggestion as a jumping off point for rewriting a line. In the end you have to stay true to your intention in the poem. There is no way around that; that's understood my this critic. Which you have done here. And it just shows how a suggestion can be expanded upon for the benefit of the poem. Any suggestion is not set in brick. Any critique should make a writer rethink their work. If the critique does that; its doing what it was meant to do whether there is a change or not. On the other hand, if the writer finds something of value; it is up to them to take the gift and run with the ball for a goal. It's only common sense in the end if something is obtained or not. You are only limited by your own imagination. I've even had a critique make me write something out of a poem because I didn't what that interpretation in the poem. And I do like a poem to have layers of understanding as well. Many times I write a poem with a surface story line with a metaphorical undercurrent for deeper thought. 

It seems you have a good ear for accents. You might try more poems with accentual meter. Remember in accentual meter syllables don't count. So sound wise, you can play with alliteration, assonance, and consonance a bit more while maintaining your accent count. Try something with three or four accents, trimeter or tetrameter. Great poem by the way. 

a poet friend
RH Peat


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## RHPeat (Jan 25, 2016)

ned said:


> hello RH,
> 
> thanks again for your detailed discussion on the comparison of poetic rhythms - makes me feel more like a legitimate poet!
> where do you learn all that stuff? - syllables and stresses, marvelous!
> ...



Ned 
Dear fellow poet, I would never insinuate that you were an illegitimate poet at all. I always felt the poem was poetic. But at its core I saw an internal line rhythm. And all of a sudden it fell off in the ending. About 3 or 4 stanza into the poem, I said wait a minute; we're hitting two accents on each line with mixed feet anapests and iambs mixed together. Mostly just those two different feet; there are some other feet in there as well. But I was picking up the solid beat of the rhythm. Now free verse will do this at times too, but the count might vary in different lines. You were creating it in the line. 

Poetry is about music, so you have to listen closely to the accents in the line. You have a good ear to do this unintentionally. Where did I learn it? By reading about poetry. Any dictionary will give you the accents in a word. When it comes to meter; I've tried it all. I've written sonnets in meter as well as many other forms. I've been writing poetry since 1961 as a published poet. I've used all forms of meter as well as cadence to form internal line rhythms. It's just part of the music in the poem. But being active in poetry workshops with other skilled writers always helps when it comes to writing. A live workshop is best. Look in your area for a poetry group, participate and listen to others. You don't have to agree to everything said, but listening will bring a lot of information your direction. Being interested is the key there. If you want to PM me, I'll give you more information. By giving an ear it's a win win situation. You allow yourself to grow while maintaining your own voice. Wanting to know the information is only the first step in the long quest of being a poet. For it never stops; as poets we create and expand on our own homwork. There is always something to experiment with in the writing once you get command of the poetic. 

A poet friend
RH Peat


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## Mackenzie27 (Jan 26, 2016)

This is stunning. I really have no helpful of constructive critique other than to say that I enjoyed it immensely, and re-read it 4 times because each time I gleaned a little bit more- hidden things I hadn't noticed first off. That's the most exciting thing about poetry - in my humble opinion


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