# July 2015 - LM - Shadows - Scores



## J Anfinson (Jul 27, 2015)

July 2015 - LM - Shadows - Scores​

FolcroShinyfordJoshyboBevoAverageDubhthaigh914151312.75Allysan1413161213.75KnightPlutonian91816.51715.12rcallaci1213131713.75TKent121718.51415.37QDOS810121411HarperCole1515201115.25Ephemeral_One101313.51011.62musichal131314.51614.12pink lemonade111713.51313.62saeria1113161213Meteli1415111413.5bazz cargo1215131614AtleanWordsmith91617.51815.12Issachar1115141814.5sir mirror713141211.5Pluralized "Anonymous Entry"1115171915.5Foxee1516191416godofwine1014131613.25Ibb161810.51214.12


In third place we have TKent.

In second is Pluralized.

And taking the gold this time is Foxee.

Congrats to the winners! If you spot an error, call the 800 number listed in the forum phone book and ask for Cran. He especially loves 2am phone calls. 

And here are the judge comments:

[spoiler2=Folcro]

A Shy Shadow
Dubhthaigh

Grammar: 4
Prose: 2
Story: 3
*9*

I'm going to break the first paragraph down by the sentence...

Floweriness is workable when applied with calculation--- to highlight a specific thing you want to give a certain tone. In the first sentence, you describe her waking up in a flowery way. Alright, maybe there's significance to it that will return later. Then you describe her tent in a somewhat flowery, passive way (*bolts of cloth which constituted the roof of her tent*) then you describe her washing her face in a flowery way (*splashed some of its contents onto her face*). The irony is that, when floweriness is overused, it makes the prose bland. The last sentence, however, was very well written. It flowed, and each word was used tastefully without making it look like you're jumping up and down trying to prove to me how good you are.

But then you go right back to the long sentences and passive, poetic prose, throwing big words at almost random points (mingled depravity, laden)

*Barley visible:* Mmm, can I have some?

*To begin her dissent:* Descent.

The prose distracted me from what was happening here, made it hard to keep up with the plot as you strived so hard to be poetic. It also watered down any emotion you could have established. The dialogue of the last third of the story's being shoved into one paragraph didn't help either. In all, it needs a lot of cleaning up to be effective.

The Shadow of Loss
Allysan

Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 6
*14*

*Leaving the hospital...: *Seems we skipped over some details there.

*After his funeral...:* Skipping over details again, but it's less awkward here; the style becomes interesting. Could maybe use some work... What I would have done is remove the paragraph that starts "After three months" so it goes right from bloody nose to funeral. If you're going to make a style out of nicessity (that is, truncating a story), which I always admire, go all out with it. My only problem with this style is it might make a lot of readers say "Okay, so when does he die?"

Things might have changed, I'm fairly certain the tombstone is not installed until long after the funeral, so that the ground can settle. But they do it in movies all the time, so it probably doesn't matter.

The last two paragraphs were a little _tell_ for me. The analogy was clever, but I feel it should have been more subtle.

The paragraph where you describe Nathan's fear of the dark was brilliant. It was just the detail you needed to make this story feel human, and not just a sputtering of events. I was anticipating this fear somehow tying in with his death or a big event that happend later in his life. That didn't happen, but I also liked the nosebleed: I feel removing the hospital description and his deterioration would have left more to the imagination, and you would have two points in the story bolstering the effect. I would have liked a few more.

Shadow of the Light
KnightPlutonian

Grammar: 4
Prose: 2
Story: 3
*9*

Well that was one long riddle.

It seemed you went from describing the bad things "it" hid, and in the second paragraph the good things it hid... maybe... I think. It's apparent you're not exactly saying the same thing from the first paragraph to the second, even though it seemed that way at first.

There was a rambling sort of style to the piece which wasn't quite as vexing in the first few paragraphs as in the last few. The paragraph with "know" over and over might have been cute in dialogue from the right character, but here it was hard to decipher what tone you were going for, esoteric or comedic.

And I'm still not fully sure I get what "it" is.

Shadow Rising
rcallaci

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 5
*12*

Starting a work of flash fiction with a quote, huh? Let's see how high high-fantasy can soar in 650 words.

*"Melt back into the void from whence you came": *Since this is in dialogue, I can't in all good consciouss dock the writer for it, so this is a message for Lord Ramadas: Dude, if you're going to make a proclamation to the World Council, you need to work on your grammar. Come on, it's 2065!

I like the opening description of the world. I can see the twilight. Atmoshpere will get you far with me.

*I had to choose the few over the many:* So which is it, this, or you're a racist?

*...the white man who has been a bane to us for centuries:* And even had the gaul to make me a commander of their most important project in human history! Ugh!

You paint an effectively bleak picture in the opening, but I'm having trouble ascertaining the social comentary this piece is wrapped up in.

My Sorry Excuse of a Shadow
T. Kent

Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 4
*12*

Good establishment. It's different, catches the attention.

*I swear, a pea would've fit inside each one:* Well... ew.

I like how you introduce the concept. You don't exposit, you don't info dump; shadows are alive, people know and that's just the way it is. It was presented simply and I can't see anyone having a problem understanding it. In fact, the story overall was fairly well paced and structured.

My problem is the concept itself--- I wasn't captivated by it; I couldn't connect with any of the characters and I didn't care how things turned out for them. What I think would have given it some more flavor is if the shadow were, while still being relatable, not too anthropromorphic. As it is, it seems the shadow is just a person except... a shadow. There's nothing different about him or his motive. You can make a case that he doesn't need one and that's fine, but I do think the story needed more flavor.

Shadow the Ultimate Prophesy
QDOS

Grammar: 3
Prose: 2
Story: 3
*8*

Watch your punctuation: it changes everything.

*"Your message sounded so urgent so I came as soon as I could.": *Think about what is being said here and to whom it is being said: If you got an urgent message from a friend asking you to come right away. would you show up and say "The message you sent me sounded so urgent so I came as soon as I could!"

*"Nostradomus," Morris then announced:* No need for "then"--- the assumption by default is that events take place in the order that you tell them, unless otherwise told.

*The frown on his face became deeper and deeper: *How deep can a frown get? I've got a Picaso painting on my mind here.

*The final test as to whether the human race can forget its petty differences and prepare, I personally doubt if we have enough time?:* I can't help but feel you're making a point here...

Three main problems with this piece: first off, if anybody needs to settle their differences, it's you and the comma. I don't know if the comma snubbed you at a party, but you two need to make up and fast.

Secondly, the dialogue. Neither of these characters feel at one point like they are speaking to each other but to the audience, like two guys on a stage trying to assemble a creative presentation on Nostradomus. It didn't sound natural. And the preachiness on the way we look at history and human nature was difficult to bear. Then when I read "let's consider certain aspects of the human psyche" behind a block of text I'm thinking to myself "No! Let it be over!"

Thirdly, the overall point. I can forgive that the moral is simple, I can forgive that it has been done before, I can forgive that nothing new is added to it here; I can forgive these things because I agree with the overall idea. I agree that violence, rape, bigotry and murder should stop... but to say we should settle our differences because of a prediction by Nostradomus? I'm just not with it.

HarperCole
DoubleDate

Grammar:5
Prose: 4
Story: 6
*15*

Very good establishing paragraph. You're taking us right in to the story with a simple language and smooth prose.

*Our relationship had been going downhill for some time: *I would cut this sentence and start the next one with "Our relationship had been fine..."

You weave the exposition rather well into the dialogue. I don't think the explanation about his pervy shadowphelia was necessary.

Your stories are always competent in prose, and you show that you put some thought into the idea. And, of course, you always seem to proof read.

Inside the Mask
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 4
Prose: 2
Story: 4
*10*

*She holds up the painted digit to me...:* Why the tense switch?

*"Are you serious... being as you are":* One quick, maybe even funny or clever sentence would have been fine here, but that's a pretty big block of text to read when we know Terrence isn't really saying it. Kinda drags. And Terrence is kinda getting a little over dramatic. If a person is so stupid as to request a television based on popularity of the size, just make something up. Relax.

Now, I've been in this exact situation before. For five years, in fact, selling electronics to morons stupid enough to buy their electronics at Kmart. I was told to push credit cards nobody wanted and took way too long to make the paperwork for a busy cashier (though I'm not store what retail chain would push a credit card that people "can't afford", I'm not sure what you meant there), and it was a real drag. So after I realized bitching was a waste of time, I got off my complacent lazy ass and found a better job. So... maybe Terrence should do the same?

The language was also a little passive and flowery for the tone I feel this story should have had. This guy is bitter, bored, his life has become repetitive. Shorter, active sentences would have better served the story.

On the Prowl
musichal

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story:6
*13*

Very good establishing opener (either that's been a pattern so far or I'm just in a good mood lately), though I think *sipping snake bite medicine as immunization against whatever hell... *could have been reduced.

And again here--- *I slapped a twenty on the bar and hurried to follow her, uncharacteristically leaving a tip in my rush...*--- I feel like both sides of the comma could have been pressed into one sentence; better still, find a way to establish earlier on that he doesn't leave tips.

Oh, but it must have killed you to have to limit this story to 650 words.

I like it. I like when people aren't afraid to convey lust honestly, without acting on it, just stewing in the madness we all feel when desire closes in, which is why I felt his plan to return, while only words and perhaps fantasy, might have dampened the effect.

I also almost wish, in his "realization" of her sluttiness, he would have talked himself out of his "true love" for her; like, this is how this guy copes with the feeling of lust we can all relate to. Instead of losing his mind, instead of suffering, he finds a way out of it every day, every day falling in love and breaking up with a different woman. It would have given the story an arch, instead of making me long for a sequel...

Holly
pink lemonade

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 4
*11*

So what's her name again...?

*while I'm just Raggedy Ann, the ugly stepsister:* This could have been a funnier if it were more brief; I would have struck the underlined.

Do things quite like this really happen? I'm sure they do... albeit rarely. But the "one-dimensional" villain, around which this story clearly revolves, is uninteresting. They are used as plot devices for larger stories, and even then are often the cause for criticism. But Holly is the basis of this story.

What might have been more engaging is if the main character (let's call her Ann), was the crazy one, and looking only at the stupid mistakes of an otherwise loving sister. But this story just reads like a list of contrived reasons to feel sorry for Ann. And the illusion doesn't hold me.

Saeria
Black Dog

Grammar: 3
Prose: 3
Story: 5
*11*

*Godzirra:* Sorry Japan, this made me laugh.

Oh, it's a female? Even funnier.

And she talks.

The point where May "becomes" Godzirra was very confusing, and I couldn't tell what was intentional and what was a typo (of which there are many here).

You write very well. Everyone who knows me knows I don't just go around saying that. You're a good writer. You need to proofread your work. The formatting is bad enough--- no spacing, no indenting--- but you start with a very obvious typo in the first paragraph followed by many more. Grammar points are easy to pull from me--- all you need to do is proofread.

Crashing Against the Shadows
Meteli

Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 5
*14*

Yeah, something about this month's round is just turning really really good openers. Yours could be the best. You say a lot with few words, you are very efficient with your words, and you present a sentence that is gripping. All of this shows you're starting to really take command of the language. Well done.

Later on in the same paragraph, you start to ramble a bit. I get it, someone will be blamed, they might be young, they might be handicapped. Try to express these thoughts with the same _directness_ and _efficiency_ as you did so well in your opening two sentences.

The story went on to become very explainy, almost like a synopsis. You tell me what happened instead of show, almost like a newspaper article, which is an interesting take, but not particularly engaging in this case.

Continue to practice your efficiency--- you're making progress faster than I would have expected.

Bazz Cargo
A Blood Sucking Bodice Ripper

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 5
*12*

Can I give extra points for title?

*a twenty-seven year old busty blond beauty. Her life force was so rich, and so powerful...: *Shouldn't this be plural?

*She slept through the storm, and through his entry...:* Uhhh...

Some good imagery here, some decent experimenting with over-the-top satire. And boobies! Extra points for boobies!! And the title.

AtleanWordsmith
Moonlit Shadow

Grammar: 5
Prose: 2
Story: 2
*9*

Good opening, effective and efficient use of words. Not a big fan of ap'ostro'phic names myself, but everyone does it so I can't knock you.

*He didn't remember where he had come across that:* _Forever Young_ by Alphaville. Unless the assassin heard the Jay-Z version, in which case I can understand why he forgot.

*It was a simple instruction, but a useful one:* Was this explanation necessary?

*He had developed a wonderful spatial awareness:* Are you sure this is the word you want?

Yikes. As I was getting to the end of this story, the word "brother" was in my mind. I was thinking back to all those stories where an assassin or gunman or whoever was going through a journey that wanted to end with a twist without having to have developed another character so they just threw in the word brother. I didn't expect you were actually going to take this route, although maybe subconsciously I did and wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Then, almost theatrically, I am presented with the lone word "Brother".

The story was very explainy and difficult to read because of that. It's one thing when I'm playing skyrim and I have to be explained the details of a mission I am about to do because I'm the one doing them. When I'm reading about someone who is not me, the approach needs to be different, many details omitted. As far as prose is concerned, I think this could have been cut in half.

The Burden of Duty
Issachar

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 4
*11*

*...and the people loved him:* Why?

*naked sword:* Isn't that a porn site?

*Edward was not to be harmed or constrained [as per King William]:* Sounds like a weak and stupid king. Maybe this is why the people love Edward--- I'd certainly favor him over this moron.

*"My son speaks the truth, I have been a poor king, and a poorer father. Yet the crown is still mine, and I will give it to whom I choose.":* Yes, this is officially the most backward, childish and pathetic king in the history of kings. Go Edward.

*...murderous venom filled his voice:* Sounds serious.

*...and ran the young man through:* Can you be a little more specific?

*Irving then wiped his bloody sword on the king's banner:* Dick.

So... we have a kingdom where the king is a weak fool, the only person who exhumes leadership, is loved by the people and the nobility, doesn't get the crown and gets killed for wanting it, and the weak fool of a king's greatest warrior is an old wino. I don't think I'll be booking any flights to this place in the near future.

The story was a might cliché, and the prose was wonky. You did take the effort to show me that the king was weak, but I still found myself supporting a character I don't think you wanted me to support. And drinking wine while you kill someone is not cool.

The Light of Dawn
sirmirror

Grammar: 3
Prose: 2
Story: 2
*7*

*she could taste the salt in her sweat and the morning mist descending upon the ground:* Well, no. She could taste the morning mist descending _toward_ the ground, or the morning mist descending upon her _lips_...

*He was just close behind:* He was close behind.

So was he not there? Was she in love with her shadow? The only reason I came to the second conclusion is because of the prompt. It was difficult to keep up.

If you want an effective review from the judges, or a shot at winning (I can't see what you would desire from this contest aside from these), you need to proofread.

The Curse That Flew Right By You
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Prose: 3
Story: 3
*11*

If it's blazing hot, shouldn't he keep the window open?

*"Where does it hurt?":* She said she doesn't feel good, not that she was in pain. Shouldn't she have said she was in pain?

*...leaves shook and a few fell to the ground, slowly, like they had been invited to watch the end of the world unfold before them:* ?

*"What the hell do you mean, he's gone? Well find him*!": Maybe they meant he's dead?

A lot of the happenings here were difficult to connect: sticking fingers in her neck, bat smiling, it was a little odd, some of the similes were odd, and the story overall obscure. I see that you did proofread though, so full credit for grammar.

Wanted: A Friend for Remembering
Foxee

Grammar: 5
Prose: 4
Story: 6
*15*

*I swear to you, though, I remember:* I was sort of looking forward to a second-person narrative after this line; I don't see them often enough, and I find them refreshing, and effective when done right. Who is "you" then, arbitrary?

*Alex was moved somewhere else:* Interesting word choice. Did you mean to say that somebody moved him, or he had been moved to a new house?

I liked this. The prose was simple, solid. The story was subtle, and gave many signals of being multi-dimensional. It was sweet, innocent, it worked.

Vietnam Woods
Godofwine

Grammar: 4
Prose: 3
Story: 3
*10*

Read the first sentence aloud to yourself. If you still like it, I can't stop you.

*Sergeant Woods quietly gasped at the command*: But he already knew that the Viet Cong was doing this. And read that whole sentence again, as you did the first.

*The young Marine saw movement on the ground twenty yards away that caught his attention.*

*but silently moved at a sniper's pace:* This is also borderline redundant.

*pointed to the center of his forehead:* Whose forehead? Not his own?

*the lone soldier lifted the pistol and fired:* I thought he already lifted the pistol? It's aimed at somebody's forehead.

You're walking a fine line when you write about a battle or a war in which you did not take part; an even finer line if you never saw combat, a finer finer line if there are still surviving soldiers of that event. Readers can usually tell.

On the Off-chance of an Asswhuppin
Ibb

Grammar: 5
Prose: 5
Story: 6
*16*

Once again, your prose is incredible. From the very start, I can almost see the face of the man speaking to me. As I said in a previous review, I was looking forward to a second-person narrative, which is difficult to pull off but rewarding when done right. And you do it right.

Who do you think you are with that second paragraph, William Faulkner? Well, like he, you got away with one mother-hubbard of a sentence.

Interesting. It got a bit rambly and somewhat difficult to follow (I don't think there's ever been a 650 word span featuring the name Ellen DeGeneres three times that didn't have some rambling). With some truncation, simplification or, God forbid, a few more periods, this would have been tighter. But still, the voice is almost as captivating as it was in your last entry.
 [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Shinyford]

A Shy Shadow
Dubhthaigh

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 14*

I liked this a great deal – a timely story, all things considered. SPaG errors were few, and the voice was good. (Although a criticism that must be one or the other of those: I’m not sure that the name Mira needed to be italicised throughout – we know that it’s the name Layal has given her, we don’t need a stylistic reminder like that.)

And we find at the end that Mira’s true name is Layal too. Forgive me, but I actually don’t think that revelation added anything to the story. Coupled with this, TBH I wonder if Layal made her decision a little quickly, all things considered? If the word count used on the name reveal had been used to explore Layal’s dilemma a little more, I think the result would have been more satisfying.

But a good, and different story. Nicely done.
____________________________________________________

The Shadow of Loss
Allysan

Grammar: 5
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

So, a very tragic story and one which will tug at the heart strings of any parent. Good SPaG – nothing jarred technically – and a fine, if nondescript, voice.

I have to say – and I feel awful saying this, considering it’s the theme of the challenge – that for me, the story itself was somewhat diminished by the use of the shadow metaphor. Or metaphors – because it felt a bit like you’d made a list of every way you could use the word and tried to get all of them in. It broke the fourth wall for me, as it were, and as such the effect was less than I think it could have been. But the underlying story is a real tear-jerker, and you deserve credit for that.
____________________________________________________

Shadow of the Light
KnightPlutonian

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 8
*Total: 18*

SPaG is fine – no problems I could see. Voice is great – some curious poetry in your prose, which is no bad thing.

Effect? I didn’t quite get it. Not on the first read, nor the second, nor the third. Yes, you got me to read it three times – and I shall again. It’s not obvious what you’re trying to say, but it feels like it’s worth a reread or two to get closer – and making a reader feel that, I think, is the mark of good writing.

Beautiful, compelling, mysterious prose that is a vignette more than a story, but none the worse for that. Writing several hours after you’ve gone to bed, my eye! I want a pint of what you’re havin’!
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Shadow Rising
Rcallaci

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 13*

Spelling was pretty good, but grammar had a couple of issues – tense changes halfway through a sentence, that sort of thing – and punctuation was unusual to the point of innovative. I’m still not sure what the three hyphens mean, especially in the sentence: “Said--- an angry and frightened Prescott”. Also, why italicise all the dialogue? (Is that possibly an American thing of which I’m not aware?)

An interesting idea in the Shadow Wraiths, but the second half of the narrative seemed to largely be gloating at the demise of whitey, which (while understandable for the protagonist) didn’t push the narrative all that much. Would have been nice to have a twist – maybe, even, to have the reveal of the Native American narrator be that twist.
____________________________________________________

My Sorry Excuse of a Shadow
TKent

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

No SPaG problems, within the context of the idiolect of the narrator, that I could see. And the voice was lovely – distinctive but intelligible. I love your use of names, BTW – Tucker feels normal but ‘right’, and Hambone as if there’s a story behind him. Teasing the back story like that is a neat trick – makes the fictional world a richer place with a single word, and with no need to go into the details of that richness. Clever!

Effect, for me, was great. I love the magic realism of the independent shadow idea, and I think you pulled it off well: not too intrusive to the realism of the story until it needed to be. And, there was a definite narrative journey to boot. The end could have had a little more drama, I guess… but overall I think this worked. Nice one.
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Shadow the Ultimate Prophecy
QDOS

Grammar: 2
Voice: 3
Effect: 5
*Total: 10*

Spelling was good. Grammar, I think, was okay – but it was hard to tell because of the punctuation errors. Missing question marks on questions; unnecessary question marks on statements (e.g. your final sentence); sentences without commas, or other punctuation, to separate their clauses; periods in dialogue where commas should be used; and many more. Sorry, but these problems really did make it hard to read, and extremely difficult to parse the intended meaning (which I’m sure would have been obvious, had the punctuation been up to it). Sadly, that stopped it working for me on all levels – which is frustrating, because the idea underneath could be a great story. Hope this doesn’t sound patronising, but please work on the punctuation, because I feel you have stories I’d enjoy, and at the moment they’re a little inaccessible to me.
____________________________________________________

Double Date
HarperCole

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

Good SPaG, and a fine voice. A nice little story – similar in conceit to TKent’s, but on a slightly different tack, although with a very similar ending, spookily. I think you gave away the twist a little early with the ‘content to lie of the floor or against a wall’ line – but maybe I only got it at that stage because I’d read TKent’s entry a couple of minutes before.

Grammar score taken down slightly because of the italicisation of dialogue (or inner monologue at least) again. When did that become a thing? Did I miss the memo?

The one part of the story that didn’t quite add up for me was Molly’s reaction to John at the end: if she thinks he’s a sciophilic pervert, why does she still want to hook up with him? (Also: what the hell does HCA stand for? And why is she milk obsessed?)
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Inside the Mask
Ephemeral_One

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 13*

I like the idea of a vampire who’s having to make ends meet selling tellies, but the story here didn’t really go anywhere – he simply started the story pissed off with his lot, and ended the story in the same place. As ever (with me) it would have been nice to finish with a twist.

Voice was good, but SPaG had problems. Tenses changed from past to present and back again from sentence to sentence, and sometimes in the same sentence. Capitalisation was a bit haywire, and once or twice commas and periods were used in each others’ places. Tighten that up too, and I think this would work a lot better.
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On the Prowl
Musichal

Grammar: 3
Voice: 3
Effect: 7
*Total: 13*

SPaG was a little askew, though it’s hard to put my finger on exactly how. I think the first sentence is a good example though: at the beginning, it’s about the narrators experience of seeing the woman for the first time; by the it’s a general discussion of what people do in that bar. I think that’s a tense change, which shouldn’t happen mid-sentence – but I’m not educated enough to tell you what the tenses involved were.

Voice was good, by which I mean quite disturbing. I think you’ve caught the obsessive fantasizing very of that sort of predator very well, where every next thought becomes immediately the absolute truth.

Effect… yes, disturbing. Which looks like a successful story to me. However, the narrative didn’t journey very far which is why the score is a little lower – as ever, I’d like a twist or reveal at the end.
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Holly
Pink Lemonade

Grammar: 5
Voice: 5
Effect: 7
*Total: 17*

This one grew on me. Within the idiolect of the narrator, I couldn’t see any SPaG problems. And the voice and effect were great, the menace and resentment growing and becoming more obvious as the story progressed and we found out more about Holly’s darker side. Which is far better than that resentment being obvious from the get go, which would have been an obvious thing to do. Nice to see the other path taken.

(Interesting fact [but probably only to me]: I once wrote a story about twins, one of whom was beautiful but a bit of a bitch, the other of whom was the opposite on both counts. And my twin was called Holly too – although the other twin, if you see what I mean. The non-bitch. What are the chances of that?)
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Black Dog
Saeria

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 13*

SPaG wasn’t bad other than the odd mistake around punctuation/capitalisation when coming of of dialogue. (‘_”Mama needs out.” The woman in the chair said sweetly.’ _ought to be ‘_”Mama needs out,” the woman in the chair said sweetly._’ – that sort of thing.)

Voice was consistent throughout, if a little nondescript.

This was in interesting idea, and I think one thing you did very well was to show the difference in POV for the protagonist in their human and canine form. I think you showed nicely what it would be like from a dog’s POV: the increased size of the room, the temperature of the steel kennel, the increased ability to smell.

The story itself meandered a bit. The point at which May (tried to) put herself into Godzirra’s (great name, by the way) thoughts was quite the non sequitur, and the mechanism of this piece of magic realism was never made clear or at least justified (which really one needs to do when using such a device). And the shadow seemed to be added as an afterthought. So it didn’t quite work for me – but an interesting idea, and good exploration of the canine POV.
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Crashing Against the Shadows
Meteli

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

Good SPaG and voice, creating an extremely paranoid ambience to the story.

I don’t think the effect was 100% though, which I think is down to this being a vignette rather than a story. A description of events rather than any kind of narrative journey. As it stands, it’s hard to tell exactly what you’re trying to say, and leaves questions unanswered. Was this AU or contemporary America? Is it meant to be an accurate description of the fictional world, or is the paranoia of the narrator the point? Adding a journey – making it into a story rather than a report, in other words – would allow themes to be explored which in turn would (could) answer such hanging questions.
____________________________________________________

A Blood Sucking Bodice-Ripper
Bazz Cargo

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 8
*Total: 15*

SPaG was a little hit and miss - dropped commas, spaces after open quotes and braces where none are needed, that sort of thing – and the voice was generally okay but a but stilted in places, especially in dialogue (one should almost always use contractions in dialogue IMHO – ‘you’re’ instead of ‘you are’ and that sort of thing.)

But the story itself was great. A hapless vampire and a (one assumes erstwhile similarly busty beauty) who knows him too well. I loved the imagery around taking Derek by the ear and leading him from the room. Technically could be better, but for the actual story… nicely done!
____________________________________________________

Moonlit Shadow
AtleanWordsmith

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

SPaG was faultless. Voice was good, if a little bland – but that’s a fairly common voice style in the genre, so fair enough.

The story was simple, but effective enough. I think I’d have like to have the stranger’s expectations set up a little more, to make the twist at the end that much more of a revelation, and to up the reader’s (my) emotional engagement. Maybe a little more about the relationship between the brothers, to make the final betrayal more poignant - or, indeed, more satisfying.

But well written, and with a narrative journey to boot!
____________________________________________________

The Burden of Duty
Issachar

Grammar: 4
Voice: 4
Effect: 5
*Total: 15*

SPaG was good bar a couple of small errors – commas where periods should be, that sort of thing. Voice was fine but again, a little bland.

The story itself was good – a bit of a morality tale. I’m slightly surprised that Edward was so easily taken by an aged and tipsy swordsman, TBH. I also found that there was a little too much exposition from time to time. ‘His name was Field Marshall Irving’ for example: if you have to just tell us like that, it means there was no reason to tell us from the plot, and thus it’s actually (at the moment) an unnecessary detail. I don’t need to know that for the story to progress. Basically, (and only IMHO) any and every nugget of information in a story should be released by the writer grudgingly, and only as the story demands. To create atmosphere, to push the narrative a step forward – but never just to give the reader a bit more info. Again (and I am repeating myself; sorry) if you find yourself giving up information that way, it really isn’t important to the story.
____________________________________________________

The Light of Dawn
sirmirror

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 13*

Quite a few SPaG problems, I’m afraid – tenses changing mid-sentence, punctuation problems, that sort of thing.

The story idea is good – a date that ends in tragedy – and I like the metaphor and similes you use for the sunrise. The ending was a little strange to me – why was his body there three months before discovery? Why did she not alert anyone? Did she, in fact, not realise he’d fallen off the cliff? (In which case, her mental state alone would be a great starting point for a story.) Or did she realise but feel unable to alert anyone? (In which case, whatever was holding her back – a criminal past? – would also make a good story.) Most of all… WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS BIKE???!!!!

Interested readers need to know…
____________________________________________________

The Curse that Flew Right By You
Anonymous

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 6
*Total: 15*

SPaG generally good, voice also okay albeit a little bland again – by which I mean, there’s nothing specifically about the voice that makes it stand out; however, it absolutely does its job in conveying the story.

Storywise, this feels like half a narrative. It starts as a nice little vampire story, but then we get to the holes in Abigail’s neck making the family disappear. Is this a piece of vampire lore of which I was hitherto unaware? As it stands – and in my ignorance, I’m guessing – it’s a bit of a non sequitur. I don’t quite know what happened, nor why. And I’m left feeling that half the story is so far untold – which is a bit unsatisfying, as a reader. Sorry!
____________________________________________________

Wanted: a Friend for Remembering
Foxee

Grammar: 5
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 16*

SPaG almost faultless, and a voice that perfectly fits the story.

I thought this was lovely. A poignant and beautiful description of a childhood day and a friend long lost. Right up until the penultimate paragraph with its talk of roofed cities, cold light and dark glasses.

Say what?

Again, a complete non-sequitur that throws the narrative off-balance and leaves unanswered questions. What’s happened to make the light cold, the glasses necessary and the city roofed? Without that line, this would have been almost perfect: complete, and a bit sad, in and of itself. With the line… now I’m left unsatisfied, and the story (seemingly) incomplete. Sorry!

____________________________________________________

Vietnam Woods
godofwine

Grammar: 3
Voice: 4
Effect: 7
*Total: 14*

Grammar a little difficult to parse in places, and things like the repeat of the word ‘woods’ in the first sentence broke the fourth wall for me a bit (though that might just be me – I’m a bit anal about not repeating words if possible).

The story idea was good – the horror of war, and the respect two soldiers (the gunnery sergeant and the Viet Cong at the end) had for each other’s role in it. I’m not sure Sergeant Woods was actually needed though – he took no action other than to observe what was happening, which is fine as a narrator but less useful when it’s told third person. Also, there was a confusion of Marines at one point, and it was hard to work out whom the word was referring to; dropping Woods from the story would have made it easier, there being one fewer marines to think about. A bit violent and nihilistic for my tastes, TBH – I mean, I don’t mind violence particularly, but I’d like a stronger story, or a bigger payoff at the end, to tie it to.

____________________________________________________

On the Off-Chance of an Asswhuppin'
Ibb

Grammar: 4
Voice: 5
Effect: 9
*Total: 18*

SPaG is so wrong it’s right!  Voice is just what I like, really distinctive and using style to give personality to the narration. (I’m far more forgiving of SPaG when I get a real sense of person from writing, as here; which is not to say there were many SPaG problems outside the context of the idiolect.)

I had no idea where the story was going until it finished – and probably still don’t. I *think* it’s the story of a death (with Ellen DeGeneres as St Peter and a black dude as God?) but I’m not a hundred per cent sure.

But either way, the narrative was rich and required multiple reads. I love the little diversions into YouTube and commercials, and Asian kids and cups, and the observations of A Thing (or not). I have to say to you what I’ve said to everyone else: I want answers to the questions the story leaves open, viz am I right about the death thing? But in all honesty, the writing here was strong enough that I enjoyed it even without those answers. This story, it’s a ride. Thank you. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Joshybo]*

A Shy Shadow*
*by Dubhthaigh*

SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 15/20

*The sunlight fell on Layal’s face and woke her with a caress of warmth. *

Right off there's a bit of miss. You use some passive wording here that could easily have been “activated” and drawn me in a bit more. “_The sunlight fell on Layal’s face__*, *__*waking*__ her with a caress of warmth_,” for example. It's a subtle change, but it has an impact, especially in an opening line.

*...retrieved a small brown envelop...*

Should have been “envelope”.

*Since layal’s...*

“Layal” should have been capitalized. Picky, but it makes a difference in a competition setting.

*...but hide nor hair of the timid kitten could not be seen.*

You've got a double negative here. Probably just an oversight, but “not” is not necessary.

*Layal offered a prayer to Muhammad (may peace be upon him) and turned around to begin her dissent.*

I really like the parenthetical here as it draws me a bit more into Layal's mind. A very nice touch. Unfortunately, you used “dissent” where I assume you meant “descent” but the line overall is beautifully crafted.

“*Are you leaning?”*

I believe you meant “leaving” here. Also to note, the dialogue shoots back and forth between Mira and Layal here, yet it's all included in the same paragraph. When the speaker changes, so should the paragraph.

Throughout the story you repeat Layal's name quite a bite, especially from one sentence into the next. There's nothing technically wrong with that, but it's more common to see pronouns used every now and again to switch up the repetitiveness. Also, the phrase “shy shadow” was very clever in its first instance, but felt a bit forced the second time around. Maybe it was just to drive home the use of the prompt, but the second instance was probably unnecessary.

Overall, this was a very nice story and your telling of it flowed well and kept me interested. There were a few technical bits that could have used some tightening up, but you did a good job establishing a connection between the characters and it drew me in. Good, creative use of the prompt also. SPaG was the biggest issue here, but your story was really very good.

*The Shadow of Loss*
*by Allysan*

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20

*My husband's shadow trailed along behind me, slightly hunched over with the weight of our luggage.*

You could probably do without the adverb “slightly” here. It derails the rhythm of this line a bit.

*Leaving the hospital, I noted how drastically our shadows had changed.*

Another unnecessary adverb here. I have nothing against adverbs, per se, but when they can be cut I'd advise doing so. It's a problem I struggle with in my own writing.

*In place of my swollen belly was a swaddled coccoon of a baby. My husband stood tall now, a proud father.*

You've got a misspelling of “cocoon” here, and I feel like “*the* swaddled cocoon of a baby,” would be the better way to word it. But all of that aside, I absolutely loved these lines. Such a good job with the imagery here juxtaposed against the preceding images. Very nice.

*The first night with Nathan, our son,...*

I tripped up a bit reading this line. It would probably flow better as, “_The first night wit__h __*our son, Nathan,*__..._” It's a subtle change, but I feel like it would have smoothed this line out.

*...clinging to eachother.*

Missing space. Definitely just an oversight, but something to watch for going forward.

*Sometimes,even now,...*

Missing space here, too. Sometimes, copying and pasting from word results in these types of formatting errors. I'm not going to count off for things like this, just wanted to make you aware of the known issue as it might affect scores in the future.

*...in fact,the...*

Another missing space example.

*We watched the oblong shadow of his tombstone creep and stretch along the grass until the night swallowed it whole.*

I really liked this image.

*Our new shadow is, in fact,the absence of his shadow; a presence far darker than a simple silhouette trailing along behind us.*

The ending is poignant and tragically beautiful. There's a good balance of black and beauty there. Nice work.

The story works overall and delivers the punch as intended. Nice pacing for such a span of time in such a small space. I do feel like the “shadow” prompt was forced in a bit much in a few places, which actually took me out of the narrative at times, but I liked the story and felt a real sense of sorrow at the end of it.

*Shadow of the Light*
*by KnightPlutonian*

SpaG:3.5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16.5/20

*No matter what, where it’s around...*

I tripped on this a bit. I kept feeling like it should say. “*when*_ it's around..._” instead.

*It prevents you from seeing the underbelly of the city, the blood and the viciousness that lies underneath the vivid colors of the dresses the city wears.*

This read a bit wordy and the repetition of “city” throws the rhythm off just a tad. A cleaner suggestion might be:

_It prevents you from seeing the underbelly of the city—the blood and viciousness that lies *beneath* the vivid dresses *it* wears._

Regardless, it's a very nice line and which I enjoyed.

*You’ve know of it and it knows that you know and it knows you will follow it because you have known it.*

I get the point to this line, but it's still a bit confusing to the senses. The actual mark here is that you should have “known” instead of “know” as the second word in this sentence, but you might have been better off chopping into two sentences instead of one.

*You know of the wise few but you are too busy following it to know the wise few and know what the wise few know, and you know of what it says will happen if you follow them and so you follow it.*

Again, this would probably read better as two sentences.

*...whether you are drowning in it or not.*

“_...whether _*or not*_ you are drowning in it._” would probably have been more grammatically correct, but more so, it would have fit the overall tone of the piece better.

There were a couple other sentences that could have probably been chopped into two or three separate thoughts more succinctly, but I could see what you were going for by not doing so.

This piece actually has a very poetic, surreal feel to it, and I liked that very much. The second paragraph in particular seems to house a couple generic heart-string pulls, but you work well within the allotted space. This seems to go a bit beyond simple narrative and straight into the heart of the city it explores. A very nice read.

*Shadow Rising*
*by rcallaci*

SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 13/20

“*You shadow bastards will not defeat us, we will block the light from the sun and turn off all the lights and live in total darkness rather than seeing you slither about. Melt back into the void from whence you came and as long as we still breathe you will never see the light or feast on us again”.*

An effective opening, although I feel like we've got two run-ons that could have been conveyed more crisply as four separate thoughts. Example:

“_You shadow bastards will not defeat us*. We* will block the light from the sun*,* turn off all the lights and live in total darkness rather than *see* you slither about. Melt back into the void from whence you came*. A*s long as we still breathe you will never see the light or feast on us again”._

*Deep in an underground fortress located somewhere in the once sovereign state of Nevada, myself and a squad of solders and scientists numbering around one hundred and twenty souls, are responsible for maintaining the integrity and continued function of the force field that blocks 75% of the visible light rays of the sun.*

Another run-on here, and the comma after “souls” is probably unnecessary either way.

*As the 21st century comes to a close many of us are thinking, so should the project as well.*

I get the intention behind this line, but it's worded a bit funny. Perhaps:

_As the 21st century comes to a close*,* many of us are thinking *that* the project should as well._

*You can’t be serious Commander, if we shut down the shield the shadows will leak out of the void.*

There should be a comma after “serious” and a period after “Commander”, dividing this into two separate thoughts.

*I in good conscience...*

Missing commas: _I_*,*_ in good conscience_*,*_..._

*Said--- an angry and frightened Prescott.*

Not sure about the em dash here. An oversight, perhaps?

*I’m truly sorry my dear friend...*

Missing commas: _I’m truly sorry__*,*__ my dear friend__*,*__..._

*As Overlords go...*

Missing comma: _As Overlords go__*,*__..._

*As a matter of fact*...

Missing comma: _As a matter of fact_*,*...

*Being that I was an American Indian I chose them to be, the last true Humans left on this earth.*

Misplaced comma: _Being that I was an American Indian__*,*__ I chose them to be the last true Humans left on this earth__._

*I know many of you hiding from the shadow wraiths hunger...*

Missing apostrophe on a plural possessive: _I know many of you hiding from the shadow wraiths__*'*__ hunger..._

*...the ecosystems’...*

Unnecessary apostrophe here.

*I know being, yellow, brown or black has it’s setbacks but at least you get to live and become shadow puppets. It’s the whites who are the Wraiths culinary delight. Isn’t life good…?*

Here there appears to be an unnecessary comma (the first), the wrong version of “its” (“it's” being the conjunction of “it is” instead of the possessive form “its”), a missing apostrophe for the plural possessive “Wraiths'”, and an unnecessary ellipses right at the end, although I understand the intention of this last one, so I won't count off.

I've pointed out a few technical glitches, so the SpaG score will be a bit lower than it might have been, but the story itself is good. The utilitarian good in story-telling has always interested me, so I was glad to see it here. Creative use of the prompt, as well.

*My Sorry Excuse of a Shadow*
*by T. Kent*

SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18.5/20

*If you’d told me this time last year that my shadow would end up cheating on me, I would have said you were nuts. I mean, sure, we never had a contract or anything, but I just assumed it was one of those ‘till death do we part’ relationships.*

I really did laugh out loud at this. Wonderful opening! Nice sentence structure and your grammar is on-point.

*A bunch of us were hanging out, doing the same shit we do most weekends, as little as possible, when Hambone showed up with a girl.*

The “as little as possible” part might be better offset with em dashes or parentheses. Just a thought, no dock for differing styles.

“*Back off, this is my cousin Katrina. She just moved here from Kentucky.”*

Whaddya know? I'm from Kentucky! You get some (irrelevant) bonus points for the reference and for knowing your audience .

*I couldn’t tell you much of what was said but...*

Missing comma after “said”.

*Katrina just laughed and ignored it. But I was crushed.*

I feel like it would have been more grammatically correct to put a comma after “it” and combine these sentences.

I don't have much more to pick out on this one. It's technically well-written and entertaining. The story rolled along nicely and I loved the casual feeling to the prose in general. It matched the story perfectly. The “swapping shadows” bit is absurd enough to be enjoyable without taking itself too seriously. You've got a great sense of voice with this piece, in my opinion. If anything, I might have preferred expletives to their softer counterparts, but to each their own in that regard. This was a fun read.

*Shadow the Ultimate Prophesy*
*by QDOS*

SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 12/20

*It was late evening cold and damp,...*

Missing comma after “evening”. Also, there should probably be a full stop after “damp” in order to separate the two thoughts.

“*Come in old friend let me take your coat.”*

Some missing punctuation here as well. The correct construction should be something along the lines of, “Come in*,* old friend*.* Let me take your coat.”

“*Your message sounded urgent so I came as soon as I could.” Dan said...*

And typically in a sentence like this, you'd want a comma at the end of the dialogue to lead into the speech tag. Example:

“_Your message sounded urgent so I came as soon as I could*,*” Dan said..._

The period you have would indicate a full stop and the next sentence should then be a separate thought in that case.

“*A bit wet I’m afraid, had to walk no cabs.”*

Another seemingly incorrect construction. Possible correction:

“_A bit wet*,* I’m afraid*.* *H*ad to walk*.* *N*o cabs.”_

There are a few more missing commas throughout which I decided to skip over for now, but I did want highlight this instance:

*...Dan took a sip of his whiskey sighed and leaned back in his chair.*

The series of motions here needs to be delineated by punctuation. Example:

_...Dan took a sip of his whiskey*,* sighed*,* and leaned back in his chair._

“*What about Nuclear weapons we’ve managed to evade that precipice of total destruction.”*

Missing question mark after weapons, perhaps?

“*Quite appt...”*

Misspelling of “apt”.

“*The final test as to whether the human race can forget its petty differences and prepare, I personally doubt if we have enough time?*

This would work much better as two separate sentences. Also, there are no closing quotation marks at the end of the dialogue.

While there were quite a few technical errors in regard to the SPaG, I was very interested in the conversation between the two characters, although I'm a softie for Nostradamus anything. The prompt feels a bit tacked on at the end, but it works, I suppose. 

Their back and forth rolled along well enough, although it is a bit expositional, bordering on superfluous in places. A bit of revision to clean up the glitches and tighten the dialogue would put this one up another notch or two.

The other big concern was that this entry was edited the day after it was posted which is well outside the ten minute window for editing submissions. I'm not certain if that's would result in a disqualification in and of itself, but it is something to watch for going forward.

*Double Date*
*by HarperCole*

SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Overall: 20/20

‘*Not now.’ I held the book – a snappily written history of milk cartons – closer to my face, blocking her out.*

I had a good chuckle at the book's expense here. Carry on.

‘*I was just reading about John Van Wormer. Not a household name, but it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that he changed the way we think about milk. I wonder -’*

Brilliant. I loved this.

*A sciophilic perv, plainly.*

Never heard this word before, but Google attests to the alternate spelling that gets the red squiggle on my machine, so I'll give it a pass. Ingenious little detail, here.

I have to say, I'm at a loss here, Harper. Your prose is tight and clean, your dialogue is swift and interesting, and the story is simply entertaining. There's just the right amount of quirk about this and I loved the lighthearted approach. Wonderful use of the prompt and a genuinely creative idea. I wouldn't change a thing.

*Inside the Mask*
*by Ephemeral_One*

SPaG: 3.5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 13.5/20

“*Excuse me, sir.” Demanded the haughty woman half my size.*

There should be a comma after “sir” preceding the speech tag instead of a period and “demanded” doesn't need to be capitalized as it is considered part of the same sentence as it acts as a speech tag.

*Her thick perfume forcing me to take shallow breaths as the reflection off her gaudy jewelry caught the sunlight. *

This reads like it was written to be part of the same sentence as the preceding thought as opposed to its own sentence. Changing “forcing” to “forced” would have corrected this.

“*Virgins daughters and money would be mine just for snapping that bulging mass of fat you call a neck!”*

Missing commas at the first, I think, if I'm reading it correctly. Should be:

“_Virgins__*,* daughters*,* and money would be mine just for snapping that bulging mass of fat you call a neck!”_

“*I don't know. What's the most popular size?” Said the woman...*

Now here, the use of the question mark preceding the speech tag is correct. However, “said” should still not be capitalized as it forms a part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

*She holds up the painted digit to me while she ignores my presence to go on a tirade about the person on the other line.*

A bit of tense confusion here. The preceding sentence and the rest of the story seems to be written in a past tense and this line pops up in present tense.

The story here works for what it is—true internal dialogue juxtaposed against socially acceptable interaction. And while I can see how this might play into the “Shadows” prompt (a sort of shadow self fighting against the outer self), I still feel like it lacked something to really push that point home. Not a bad little tale for this contest, but it feels a bit unpolished.

*On the Prowl*
*by musichal*

SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14.5/20

*...voluptuous curves...*

This seemed a bit redundant to me.

*...but I was certain she didn't spot me as kept to the shadows.*

Missing “I” after “as”.

*Then I realized the building next to hers was condemned.*

“Then” feels a bit unnecessary at the beginning and tripped up the rhythm of the piece here.

Well, that escalated quickly. Aside from the couple of errors I've already pointed out, the prose was pretty clean. The pace quickened a lot toward the end, but I feel like that was intentional. It was an interesting little tangent he had with himself, but I feel like this little snippet isn't truly enough to feel like a full story. That happens a lot in these short fiction competitions, but I feel like there was more to be said here and just not the space to say it. An interesting read with some vivid details. You definitely set a tone of creepiness teetering into perversion, which isn't necessarily a bad thing given the subject of your story. I do feel like the prompt was passed over pretty quickly. Not hard to imagine a shadow sort of settling over this entire scene, however.

*Holly*
*by pink lemonade*

SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13.5/20

*And I hate when she told me "that I'm the butt ugly twin with a face that looks like an elephant sat on it."*

The dialogue should have started at “the” in order to get the correct inflection for what you mean. You're also missing a comma before the dialogue and (perhaps) an ellipsis at the start of the dialogue where the insult isn't necessarily a complete thought on its own, but appears to be just a section of what Holly had said. Example:

_And I hate when she told me that I'm*,* *“...*the butt ugly twin with a face that looks like an elephant sat on it."_

*I wish they knew the real me, not the “me” that Holly created.*

I liked this line in this context. Nice work.

*I wish my parents would know who their daughter really is.*

I feel like this would work better with “knew” instead of “would know” but the line itself is actually deceptively clever. The whole story is pitting one sister against the other and this last line expresses how the MC wants their parents to know who their daughter truly is and that could actually apply to both daughters in different ways. Subtle and very nicely done.

There's no direct mention of the prompt, but it's pretty clear that the MC lives in hr sister's shadow, so I get the implication. The story itself is a bit cliché, but it works for what it is. I wish there was something more to it to set it apart from so many other stories about the same sort of thing, however.

*Black Dog*
*by Saeria*

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16/20

*...something changef She hid her food...*

Misspelling of “changed” and a missing period after it.

“*May Arnold, right?” He asked...*

There's no need to capitalize “he” as it forms a part of the same sentence as the dialogue. The question mark being inside of the quotations makes the difference.

*...scribbled a few numbers the made a hasty retreat...*

Probably meant “then” instead of “the” here.

*...back of Mays neck.*

Missing apostrophe in the possessive “May's”.

“*I just peek in Godzirra thoughts...”*

It seems like you meant to say, “...Godzirra*'s* thoughts...” here.

*Just as it began it stopped.*

Missing comma after “began”.

*...she became Godzirra.*

This was kind of written in the present tense when it should have been in the past tense to fit the rest of the piece. You're also missing “had” or the conjunction “she'd” as a result. Example:

_...she __*had*_ _*become*__ Godzirra._ or _...__she__*'d*_ _*bec*__*o*__*me*__ Godzirra._

*It was 8 quick step to the woman’s one.*

In instances like these, you generally want to spell out the word “eight” and it should have been “steps” instead of “step”.

An interesting take on the prompt and while it does feel a bit tacked-on, the fact that the dog-as-May took the time to warn May-as-the-dog about it was just subtle and creepy enough to be effective. It struck me like the twist in an old Twilight Zone episode, and that's a good thing. There were definitely some technical errors that could use some attention, and I'm still not entirely sure what happened at the vets' office, but the whole thing was surreal enough that I didn't much mind the inconsistencies in the end. This one's weird, but I liked it!

*Crashing against the shadows*
*by Meteli*

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 2/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 11/20

*There is international attention on the case too,...*

The “too” is unnecessary, but there should be a comma preceding it in this uasge.

*It will be someone with no associates involved on the crime, he may be so young he does not need to shave yet, and is a first timer from a small gang that only provided the gun, or they will catch someone so old or sick that he spends most of his time in bed when not in court.*

I believe you meant, “_...involved _*in*_ the crime..._” but watch for run-ons like this in any case. This could have been two or three separate sentences.

*They will own most of the jury too.*

Here again you'd want to have a comma after “jury” preceding “too”.

*...they are married to crime and parenting it now after they’d first been fathered by it.*

I liked this bit right here. Nice touch.

*You cannot be confident enough to know for sure who is in their scheme, everybody might be, it might even be part of an initiation rite for their young members to be bedded with criminals, and they know your every move through the surveillance systems.*

Another run-on sentence which could have been avoided.

*Literally losing ones face,...*

The possessive form of “one” is “one's”. There are legitimate instances of pluralizing the word “one” so spellcheckers won't catch it as an error.

*Everyone that had ever...*

I believe “...ever had...” would be the correct usage here.

This was an interesting story, although the prose was constructed a bit oddly for my taste. Maybe just a difference in styles, but I was able to follow the story well enough. The overall premise was fine, but I had trouble getting really invested in the story the way it was told. It was a bit passive and informative and lacked any real engagement with the actions or characters. Work on that aspect of it and there may be some promise to this one.

*A Blood Sucking Bodice Ripper*
*by bazz cargo*

SPaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20

*...making the vein in her neck throb like a Deep Purple bass riff.*

Oh, you.

*Singing to the lust in the very fabric of Derek's being.*

Sentence fragment. Probably belongs to the preceding line, but didn't quite make the cut. Could use some revision.

*His dusty, desiccated, undead husk of a body feeling the electric ringing of a mighty bell, desire.*

This line read a bit oddly, too. It just seems incomplete somehow.

*She slept through the storm, and through his entry, but as he approached the bed, a small white terrier emerged from a fold in the duvet and started to bark at him, she did not sleep through that.*

You've got a run-on here. It would have been best to have a period after “him” and separate it into two sentences.

“*Minnie, stop that, you will wake mother.“*

This would be better constructed as: “Minnie, stop that*. **Y*ou will wake mother.“

“*What's going on?” Asked the older,...*

No need to capitalize “asked” after the question mark in the dialogue. The speech tag would still be considered part of the same sentence.

“*Yes mother.” **“**Hello Derek,”*

Missing commas after “Yes” and “Hello”. Commas should always precede a direct address.

*...then she threw him out.*

Bit of a lifeless conclusion.

A fine use of the prompt for an alright story. The beginning had a self-aware sense of humor about it that seemed to drop off as the story progressed. Unfortunately, not a lot more happened in its place. Maybe a bit of dialogue from Derek would have livened the scene up a bit. I feel like there was more planned out for this one and that it might have been inhibited by the word count limitation.

*Moonlit Shadow*
*by AtleanWordsmith*

SPaG: 4.5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17.5/20

*There was nowhere to hide, but, as it turned out, he encountered no one.*

Technically, this works, but it fell a bit flat for me. I feel like the cleaner construction would be something like: _There was nowhere to hide, __*although*__ he encountered no one __*once inside*__*.*_ Just a thought.

*...moonlight night.*

Based on the next sentence, the title, and the way this particular phrase reads a bit awkwardly, I'm guessing you meant to say, “_..._*moonlit*_ night_.” If not, it might have sounded better as such, in my opinion.

*He had been right, it was a trap. He was dead either way.*

This line sets up the expectation, albeit without the accompanying action, that he had actually encountered a trap. Instead, it turns out that was just hist gut instinct in the moment which is proven wrong in the very next sentence. The way it's written sort of confuses the sense of what's going on just a bit. It might be clearer to the reader as:

_*It was a trap*_*, he thought, **and I'm dead now, either way.*

This lets the reader know that it's his internal monologue suggesting the danger instead of the narrator pulling the rug out from under them in the very next thought.

Overall, this was a pretty nice example of short high fantasy—a genre which I enjoy reading, but am terrible art writing, so kudos to you on doing a much better job with this than I would have. I liked your descriptions as the MC moved through the scene with one exception—you use the words “moonlight” and “shadow(s)” a lot. Perhaps it's just trying to drive the prompt/title home, but it might have been a bit excessive. Still, your story had a nice pace about it and the ending contained a nice little twist. Enjoyable read. I like the surname Darkthorn for an assassin character, by the way.

*The Burden of Duty*
*by Issachar*

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14/20

*...now they weighed the cost of disobedience against the life of their king.*

A nice line here. I like it.

“*I don’t hate you son, but I cannot leave my kingdom in your hands, this wasn’t easy..”*

Missing comma preceding the direct address “son”, a slight run-on, and a probably unnecessary ellipsis at the end, although the ellipsis should be three consecutive periods instead of two. I would have suggested:

“_I don’t hate you*,* son, but I cannot leave my kingdom in your hands*.* *T*his wasn’t easy.”_

“*Shut up you old fool!” “...**look at yourself you adulterous cad!”*

More missing commas prior to direct addresses. There should be a comma after “up” and “yourself”.

“*...lunging onto the dais that supported the throne...”*

The last part is probably an unnecessary detail. Mentioning the dais in the setting of the throne room already implies its function. I'm sure there are some readers who might not know that right off, but if they don't, they'll probably be looking up the definition of the word “dais” anyways and could have figured it out from there. It's not a technical flaw or anything, it's just helpful to realize where you can trim out needless details.

*As he watched Edward’s eyes slowly widened... *

Missing comma after “watched”. I read the rest of the sentence with the wrong inflection at first without it.

There are some technical errors in places, but the story moves along fine in spite of them. I do feel like the subject matter is a bit cliché as I've read similar scenarios in many stories, but I like the Field Marshall character and his cavalier nature toward the end. Perhaps if you'd have had a bit more room to expand this story, it would have grown into something a little more unique. It's still not a bad story, but I feel like the limited word count might have stifled its potential.

*The Light of Dawn*
*by sirmirror*

SPaG: 2/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14/20

*'What a night!' She thought,...*

No need to capitalize “she”. It follows an exclamation point, but that exclamation point is inside of the wuaotation marks, so the speech tag is part of the same sentence.

*They had ridden at least 40 miles in the last and...*

Seems like there's something missing after “the last”. “The last” what? Probably an oversight, but something that needs to be caught while proof-reading.

*"Come along. Woohoo!" Pushing...*

“Pushing” seems to be a part of a speech tag here and does not need to be capitalized once more. I understand a lot of word processors these days will do this automatically, but it needs to be watched for when submitting pieces for competitions or magazine consideration.

*She had sit herself...*

Should have been “sat” instead of “sit”.

*She saw him sit down beside her in her periphery*

Missing period at the end of this sentence.

*The corpse has not yet been recognized and the Missing Persons department is hard at work on the matter...*

I don't think the ellipsis was necessary at the end of this sentence. It seems like a full sentence and the ellipsis in and of itself isn't really necessary to indicate a mystery or cliffhanger at the end of a story.

Honestly, this was a good story. I liked the action leading up to the final scene and you had a handful of nice descriptions within the narrative. I was a bit thrown off by the overall construction. Each line seems to be its own paragraph and I'm not sure that that lends anything to the story in general. The ending was unexpected although the police report type summary at the end felt a bit awkward. Still, given space limitations, it worked for its purpose. You will definitely want to watch your paragraph construction and proof-reading going forward, but your story-telling seems solid with a lot of potential still left to be tapped into.

*The Curse That Flew Right By You*
*by Anonymous*

SPaG: 4/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17/20

“*I feel…hungry, Daddy,”...*

This read a bit campy, like a line of dialogue from some old B Horror flick. Mind you, I love old B Horror flicks, so that's not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on how seriously the rest of the narrative takes itself.

*...much taller then...*

“Than” instead of “then”.

*...into the living room he ran and slammed the door into the entry.*

This would have been more effective with by using “slamming” instead of “slammed” to give it an extra jolt of action. In that case, you would have wanted to replace “and” with a comma. Example:

_...into the living room he ran*, slamming* the door into the entry._

*Faces flashed in the window, smiling, grinning. Leering. Teeth apart, covered in blood, mocking him.*

I get what is going on here, but the overall construction is awkward.

“*Mommy,” she said, “if you don’t mind, I would like to be alone for a moment. I’ll be down shortly.*

Missing quotation marks at the end of the dialogue.

Dark, creepy, weird ending. All of those things I really liked about this one. Some of the action seems a bit unrealistic—such as the dad being unable to speak even though he's conscious enough to close the door behind him and be aware that he wants to warn his wife of the danger upstairs—but nothing so drastic that it can't be over-looked. It may just be my ignorance of the subject matter, but I'm not sure how the holes in her neck can control cellphones and incapacitate or kill Abigail's mother (both of which are things I am left assuming to have happened) but what the hell? It's a horror story after all. Let's just watch people die and deal with the logistics afterward. I'm fine with that. For the short piece of flash it is, I like it. It left me wondering and let me make up some things for myself without being too vague. I mean, it'd have been nice to have a few more details, but it worked out alright this way.

*Wanted: A Friend for Remembering*
*by Foxee*

SPaG: 5/5
Tone: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19/20

*He was sure so I followed along.*

Missing comma after “sure”.

Nice clean prose here. The one comma error, but it's not worth docking a point over. The story was pleasant and surreal. Calming in a way. I like the dialogue between the two characters and the descriptions of the scenery were bright and vivid. I feel like I should have felt more of a sense of sadness—longing—in the end than I did. As it stands, we get to the end so abruptly that there's not enough transition from the nice, pleasant afternoon to the lonely aftermath of Alex's departure for the hurt of it all to really set in. Still, it was a very nice story which I very much enjoyed reading. If there could have just been a little something more to connect me to the characters, I'm certain this would have been a perfect score.

*Vietnam Woods*
*by godofwine*

SpaG: 3/5
Tone: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13/20

*Sergeant Woods lay completely still covered in dry brush as he looked on in horror as members of the Viet Cong ambushed and slaughtered his Marine unit in the South Vietnam woods.*

This opener's a bit long with no punctuation or separation to smooth the flow of the words. It would need some revision to read more cleanly. Example:

_Sergeant Woods lay completely still*,* covered in dry brush*,* look*ing* on in horror as the Viet Cong ambushed*,* slaughter*ing* his Marine unit in the South Vietnam woods._

Even something like that seems a bit long, but it brings the action out of passivity and cuts down the vocabulary just a bit.

*One Marine lay twisted in front of him in an awkward way on his back with glazed over eyes that would never see anything again.*

Another bit of odd construction. I got tripped up during the description and it pulled me out of the narrative. You might clean it up something like:

_One Marine lay twisted in front of him*,* glazed over eyes that would never see anything again._

The description I cut didn't add anything to the scene—lying twisted on the ground seems an awkward posture in and of itself without me needing to be reminded of that. The line itself is good otherwise.

*The Viet Cong soldiers trampled about speaking Vietnamese...*

As a reader, I assume the Viet Cong soldiers speak Vietnamese, so this detail seems redundant.

“…*No more of them. They’re all dead.” He was able to translate.*

This speech tag is unnecessary. The reader was told in the previous paragraph that Sergeant Woods can speak Vietnamese.

*...Bueller yelled while he fired...*

When possible, try to avoid the passive actions. “Firing” would have been more effective here. Example: _...__Bueller yell__ed__*,*_ _fir__*ing*__..._

*...onto the second soldier’s body mortally wounded.*

“_...onto the second soldier’s __*mortally wounded body.”*_ would have been correct here.

*The men stared at each other in silence saying words without words...*

I understand the implication here, but this didn't really work for me, personally.

I liked the last two lines of this. It was a bit over-the-top, sure, but there's a lot of implication in the imagery. Honestly, you kind of tried to spell out the intangibles of the last two lines in the couple of lines before it and you didn't really need to. Your closing would have been effective enough on its own. The piece suffers from a few technical glitches overall, and you go more towards “tell” than “show” in a few places, but the story works well for what it is. What it is, though, is a bit of a cliché given other stories I've read about similar war time scenarios. That doesn't make it any less powerful on its own, but when a reader has had a few similar experiences in other pieces before getting to this one, the effect doesn't hit quite as hard. This would need something more to really set it apart from other similar stories.

*On the Off-Chance of an Asswhuppin'*
*by Ibb*

SpaG: .5/5
Tone: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 10.5/20

Before I even read the first word of this, based on just the title, I can already tell you that if this isn't some sort of Stone Cold Steve Austin fanfic that I'm going to be really disappointed.

*(or maybe, you fucking pessimist, it’s up the street that you’re walking, eh?)*

I'm not sure how that would make me a “pessimist”. In fact, I might argue that an optimist would prefer to walk “up” the street instead.

*...he can be anyone...*

But he must be a “he”, eh?

*...steps into your path and plants himself directly in front of you.*

This had better be Stone Cold Steve Austin.

*What the fuck?, you think, and just before you’re able to puff out your chest, upturn your hands, maybe tilt slightly skywards the tough blunt edge of your chin, all to precede deployment of that modern-day thought into modern-day proclamation, What the fuck, man?, this stranger, nonplussed, in fact non-moved, delivers closed-knuckled and fast-(Where am I?Who am I?)-fisted a single walloping haymaker into your nose, splintering the thing however many fractured whichways and propelling your ass backwards onto the pavement in a foamy red sputtering cloud of nostril-goo and blood.*

This is, uh, a bit of a run-on. Consider revising.

*So down you go, flailing all the while, entombed within yourself alongside that horrid vertigo that comes from the sudden jettison into a downward, backwards-facing plummet, screaming inwardly at your assailant a long crude litany of What-the-fuck!?isms, some of these metamorphosing before you’ve hit the ground into Fuck-you-you-fucking-assholessults, and Get-a-real-job-you-fucking-crackheadlumnies, just about to veer off and change shape again when they are cut short, expunged to cerebral winds, by the anticipated but never quite readied-for collision of the pavement rushing up (so it feels) into the back of your skull, obliterating current thought and crumpling further attempt.*

Uh, you've got another run-o...ah, you know what? Never mind.

*...(it might have been on Youtube before it was a commercial—because that, you know, is definitely A Thing).*

I'm glad you mentioned this, because I was going to if you didn't. I'm pretty sure it was on YouTube first. We also used to practice it at this pizza joint I worked at one summer, so maybe they got the idea from us. We should look into filing a lawsuit, perhaps.

You know what? I was wrong. Stone Cold Steve Austin didn't make it into this at all, but I have to say that I was thoroughly entertained by this. I'm not sure that it has a chance at winning this contest, but you did you here and I got several good laughs along the way. Given the correct context, the style you used here might actually be appropriate. It reminds me of articles that I've read on Cracked, but even they shoot for at least a _couple_ sentences per paragraph. As I said, I don't see this as a potential winner here, but I am almost positive that you submitted this knowing that. And I thank you for that. It feels like this piece was written more for fun and it delivers that experience. It gave me a good chuckle at the end of a long chore of judging. For real, there's a merit to any style of writing. This one could use some TLC (the common abbreviation, not the band/television channel), but there might just be a home out there for this somewhere. [/spoiler2]

[spoiler2=Bevo]Author: Dubhthaigh
A Shy Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13

Great story, I found myself looking for more to understand the scene.
Visually it was a bit lacking, I understood the camp and depravity but didn’t really know what caused it.
A few minor grammar issued were found but nothing major.

Great job!


Author: Allysan
The Shadow of Loss
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12

Tragic story that I hope is fiction.
At first the story jumped quickly from scene to scene without giving enough time to let it sink in so to say. After his 5[SUP]th[/SUP] birthday it slowed a bit but still felt a bit rushed.
Saying that you got the story across. A bit more time for us to get to know the boy would of helped. Use words that show character and feelings this would help.

Great job!


Author: KnightPlutonian
Shadow of the Light
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17

Now that was Cool!
What a great take on a story, its like Shadow is a living thing.
The story really give you a different take on what we see in a Shadow, things we all know. Getting into the criminals at home feeding a village was a great take as well.
Great job!


Author: rcallaci
Shadow Rising
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17

Good verse bad, classic! Loosing the white race in the mix is probably not politically correct but it does work here.
The story reads like it is right out of a book, great flow and felt like I already knew the first part.
Great job!


Author: TKent
Shadow My Sorry Excuse of a Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14

Interesting take on a living talking shadow!
A bit hard to catch on too, I thought the shadow was a split personality or brother/sister.
The story read a bit as a younger persons novel but worked well, I get it but not really my thing.
Great job!


Author: Meteli
Crashing Against the Shadows
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14

Not the kind of place I want to live and I know there are more than a few places like this around the world.
This story is very visual and I was able to catch up quickly. The story is a good part of a larger picture and makes me want to read more.
Some of the paragraphs were a bit too long and could be broken up a bit.
Overall a great job!

Author: Anonymous
The curse That Flew Right By You
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19

Do you want me to sleep ever again! Not good with the scary stuff.
This was great, you packed a large amount of story into 650 words, and others can take notice, as have I.
The conversations were well done and the fear the father felt was really felt. The bat was a great subject yet I don’t know if it caused the third hole.
I got nothing, great job!!


Author: Foxee
Wanted: A Friend for Remembering
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14

Nice story but not a grab you and hold your attention while you turn pages. The topic is there and very visual, sounds like a great day but the effect is not present. 
Alex needs a bit more substance to show why he is so important; the story does not really explain the relationship.
Great story!


Author: Godofwine
Vietnam Woods
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Great feel here, they story is timeless, many war stories but they never get old. 
The fear in SGT Woods was clear while Bueller was a clear hero. The visual is very present; the feelings of fear and pride are very present.
This was a great read and I would love to keep reading more, you packed a ton into your 650 words.
Well done!




Author: QDOS
Shadow the Ultimate Prophesy
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14

Great take on Nostradamus, he was a very influential prophet that I think fell a bit short.
The conversation was done really well and the topic was brought across very well. Visually I could see the scene unfolding and see the two old fellows sitting in front of the fire.
Some of the sentences starting with ”I” could use some work. 
Great job!


Author: HarperCole
Double Date
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 11

Not sure how to take this one, frisky shadow are a bit new to me J
Great imagination, but this story was just a bit hard to get into. 
The conversation was good but milk products felt out of place. Spelling and grammar was well done.
Great job!


Author: Ephemeral_One
Inside the Mask
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 2/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 10

Ahh the inside voice, mine is very will trained!
The story did not reflect anything to me about a shadow, the characters were clear yet no real sense of our topic.
As much as I like the conversation the topic was a bit thin, visually it was great but no real substance.
To add some more substance I would build on the characters, increase visual of the store with some key words.
Great job!

Author: Musichal
On the Prowl
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Freaky!!
Great image you got across of your stalker/rapist/murderer, I love how it was love to rage. The scene was visual and you could feel him following and stalking. Small things like the skirt flipping up really helped to seal the image.
Missed the word count, wont hold it against you.
Great job!


Author: Pink Lemonade
Holly
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13

Sibling rivalry, old as time.
This is a great story and a subject that hits close to home for many, I have seen it first hand. This reads true and the story comes across visually, you can see the dinner table.
You packed a great story into a small amount of words. You missed the word count so not sure on the total but looks like you had some extra room. Scores would be higher with more content.
Great story and welcome to the site!


Author: Saeria
Black Dog
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12

Looks like the dog got some revenge here, not sure why without knowing if some magic was involved. Story was a bit confusing at first, I thought they were at home but it cleared up soon after. This story begs for a bit more to lead you to this incident, it’s a good snap shot but a bit lacking.
Great job!


Author: Bazz Cargo
A Blood Sucking Bodice Ripper
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Vampires not for kids, good stuff!
The description of Amber was almost erotic, thanks for the visual! Her description was two fold; it also hid the vampire reference directly in front of you.
The conversations were well-done, easy follow.
Great job!


Author: AtleanWordsmith
Moonlit Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18

This played out like a movie, I was sad to see it end!
This was exceptionally visual, I felt like I was looking over his story as he walked through the Green Court. His murder was partially expected but his brother doing so was a twist.
One strong point was your use of descriptive words, not open door but “tugged” as well as many others.
Great job!


Author: Issachar
The Burden of Duty
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18

Smooth, Irving walked in like he was at a dinner party and wanted to check the temperature of the meat in the oven.
This scene really showed the aggression and rage felt by the son, the kings helplessness was very clear as well. The son appeared to be out of control and in stepped Irving like a shadow. This was a great use of the subject.
Your imagery was very well done; your conversations also had great flow.
Well done!


Author: Sirmirror
The Light of Dawn
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 12

This sounded like a great date but what happened? That was a surprise that he was not there with her.
The story gave me a few questions and I think a bit more content to lead up to this scene would of helped.
A few minor spelling grammar issues.
Great job!


Author: Ibb
On the Off-Chance of an Asswhuppin
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 12

Love the title and your word count was a bit off J
This was a great story that I have no idea what you were trying to get across, pretty funny too.
Story wise, it came across as a bad day with a great rant. This had no real plot but great random thoughts all meshed together perfectly.
Great job!





























Author: Dubhthaigh
A Shy Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13

Great story, I found myself looking for more to understand the scene.
Visually it was a bit lacking, I understood the camp and depravity but didn’t really know what caused it.
A few minor grammar issued were found but nothing major.

Great job!


Author: Allysan
The Shadow of Loss
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12

Tragic story that I hope is fiction.
At first the story jumped quickly from scene to scene without giving enough time to let it sink in so to say. After his 5[SUP]th[/SUP] birthday it slowed a bit but still felt a bit rushed.
Saying that you got the story across. A bit more time for us to get to know the boy would of helped. Use words that show character and feelings this would help.

Great job!


Author: KnightPlutonian
Shadow of the Light
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17

Now that was Cool!
What a great take on a story, its like Shadow is a living thing.
The story really give you a different take on what we see in a Shadow, things we all know. Getting into the criminals at home feeding a village was a great take as well.
Great job!


Author: rcallaci
Shadow Rising
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 17

Good verse bad, classic! Loosing the white race in the mix is probably not politically correct but it does work here.
The story reads like it is right out of a book, great flow and felt like I already knew the first part.
Great job!


Author: TKent
Shadow My Sorry Excuse of a Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14

Interesting take on a living talking shadow!
A bit hard to catch on too, I thought the shadow was a split personality or brother/sister.
The story read a bit as a younger persons novel but worked well, I get it but not really my thing.
Great job!


Author: Meteli
Crashing Against the Shadows
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14

Not the kind of place I want to live and I know there are more than a few places like this around the world.
This story is very visual and I was able to catch up quickly. The story is a good part of a larger picture and makes me want to read more.
Some of the paragraphs were a bit too long and could be broken up a bit.
Overall a great job!

Author: Anonymous
The curse That Flew Right By You
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 19

Do you want me to sleep ever again! Not good with the scary stuff.
This was great, you packed a large amount of story into 650 words, and others can take notice, as have I.
The conversations were well done and the fear the father felt was really felt. The bat was a great subject yet I don’t know if it caused the third hole.
I got nothing, great job!!


Author: Foxee
Wanted: A Friend for Remembering
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 14

Nice story but not a grab you and hold your attention while you turn pages. The topic is there and very visual, sounds like a great day but the effect is not present. 
Alex needs a bit more substance to show why he is so important; the story does not really explain the relationship.
Great story!


Author: Godofwine
Vietnam Woods
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Great feel here, they story is timeless, many war stories but they never get old. 
The fear in SGT Woods was clear while Bueller was a clear hero. The visual is very present; the feelings of fear and pride are very present.
This was a great read and I would love to keep reading more, you packed a ton into your 650 words.
Well done!




Author: QDOS
Shadow the Ultimate Prophesy
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Overall: 14

Great take on Nostradamus, he was a very influential prophet that I think fell a bit short.
The conversation was done really well and the topic was brought across very well. Visually I could see the scene unfolding and see the two old fellows sitting in front of the fire.
Some of the sentences starting with ”I” could use some work. 
Great job!


Author: HarperCole
Double Date
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 11

Not sure how to take this one, frisky shadow are a bit new to me J
Great imagination, but this story was just a bit hard to get into. 
The conversation was good but milk products felt out of place. Spelling and grammar was well done.
Great job!


Author: Ephemeral_One
Inside the Mask
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 2/5
Effect: 4/10
Overall: 10

Ahh the inside voice, mine is very will trained!
The story did not reflect anything to me about a shadow, the characters were clear yet no real sense of our topic.
As much as I like the conversation the topic was a bit thin, visually it was great but no real substance.
To add some more substance I would build on the characters, increase visual of the store with some key words.
Great job!

Author: Musichal
On the Prowl
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Freaky!!
Great image you got across of your stalker/rapist/murderer, I love how it was love to rage. The scene was visual and you could feel him following and stalking. Small things like the skirt flipping up really helped to seal the image.
Missed the word count, wont hold it against you.
Great job!


Author: Pink Lemonade
Holly
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 13

Sibling rivalry, old as time.
This is a great story and a subject that hits close to home for many, I have seen it first hand. This reads true and the story comes across visually, you can see the dinner table.
You packed a great story into a small amount of words. You missed the word count so not sure on the total but looks like you had some extra room. Scores would be higher with more content.
Great story and welcome to the site!


Author: Saeria
Black Dog
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 5/10
Overall: 12

Looks like the dog got some revenge here, not sure why without knowing if some magic was involved. Story was a bit confusing at first, I thought they were at home but it cleared up soon after. This story begs for a bit more to lead you to this incident, it’s a good snap shot but a bit lacking.
Great job!


Author: Bazz Cargo
A Blood Sucking Bodice Ripper
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 16

Vampires not for kids, good stuff!
The description of Amber was almost erotic, thanks for the visual! Her description was two fold; it also hid the vampire reference directly in front of you.
The conversations were well-done, easy follow.
Great job!


Author: AtleanWordsmith
Moonlit Shadow
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18

This played out like a movie, I was sad to see it end!
This was exceptionally visual, I felt like I was looking over his story as he walked through the Green Court. His murder was partially expected but his brother doing so was a twist.
One strong point was your use of descriptive words, not open door but “tugged” as well as many others.
Great job!


Author: Issachar
The Burden of Duty
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Overall: 18

Smooth, Irving walked in like he was at a dinner party and wanted to check the temperature of the meat in the oven.
This scene really showed the aggression and rage felt by the son, the kings helplessness was very clear as well. The son appeared to be out of control and in stepped Irving like a shadow. This was a great use of the subject.
Your imagery was very well done; your conversations also had great flow.
Well done!


Author: Sirmirror
The Light of Dawn
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone/ Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10
Overall: 12

This sounded like a great date but what happened? That was a surprise that he was not there with her.
The story gave me a few questions and I think a bit more content to lead up to this scene would of helped.
A few minor spelling grammar issues.
Great job!


Author: Ibb
On the Off-Chance of an Asswhuppin
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone/ Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10
Overall: 12

Love the title and your word count was a bit off J
This was a great story that I have no idea what you were trying to get across, pretty funny too.
Story wise, it came across as a bad day with a great rant. This had no real plot but great random thoughts all meshed together perfectly.
Great job! [/spoiler2]


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## KnightPlutonian (Jul 28, 2015)

Congrats to the winners! And the not-winners! And anyone else that happens to be here!


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## musichal (Jul 28, 2015)

Congratulations, Foxee!


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## PiP (Jul 28, 2015)

Congrats, foxee... and well done to TK and Plu! I'd also like to add a note of thanks for our judges.


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## Pluralized (Jul 28, 2015)

Wow, close one, eh. Congrats Foxee! 

Onward to August.


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## TKent (Jul 28, 2015)

Congrats Foxee!! And to everyone who entered.

Judges, you rock!! Feedback to a writer is like blood to a vampire. We crave it, seek it out, and will whither away without it


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## Foxee (Jul 28, 2015)

Thanks, Judges! You guys gave your time and that is a significant investment with so many entries. Really appreciate that you took an honest look and surfaced the things in my piece that need to be improved. Around here that's as good as hard cash. (And also the closest any of us will get!)

Pluralized and TKent, wow, that was by a whisker. Hats off to you!

I really appreciate that everyone comes into the LM and just rocks it hard because everyone wants to write well. Best little competition anywhere.


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## Allysan (Jul 28, 2015)

Congrats winners! Thank you judges! Looking forward to August


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## rcallaci (Jul 28, 2015)

congrats foxee-a delight of a read- 

thanks judges -btw I'm an old white guy just felt that the shadow wraiths preferred white meat... 

ETA
Josh,thanks for those edit tips - a great great help my story thanks you...


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## godofwine (Jul 28, 2015)

TKent said:


> Congrats Foxee!! And to everyone who entered.
> 
> Judges, you rock!! Feedback to a writer is like blood to a vampire. We crave it, seek it out, and will whither away without it



sorry angered rant


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## AtleanWordsmith (Jul 28, 2015)

Woo!  This is exciting.  Thanks to the judges for judging, and congrats to the winners!

Also glad to see generally favorable reviews.  Great morale boost, that.


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## bazz cargo (Jul 28, 2015)

A BIG THANKS to the judges and congratulations to the unholy trio that stand on the podium.

Good to see some newbies and an old face knocking out some great work. 

I was caught bang to rights. 

I can see quite a few of these entries ending up as something bigger.

Foxee rocks!


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## Foxee (Jul 28, 2015)

Thank goodness I'm not the old face, right? RIGHT?  You're a good man, Bazz, I don't care what anyone says!


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## bazz cargo (Jul 28, 2015)

^*Gulp* 

I was pointing at QDos. Although Bob was also in the frame, so as to speak...

(I must change my underwear).


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## Harper J. Cole (Jul 28, 2015)

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to the judges. Special thanks to Joshybo for giving me my first 20! :star:

Shinyford, HCA stands for Hans Christian Andersen (writing the whole thing would have pushed me over the word limit), and my character was obsessed with milk as I felt that it would give her more personality.

 I was surprised to drop a point for having her think in italics - I always use this convention. Perhaps I need to investigate whether I'm breaking the rules with that one. :!:

HC


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## Phil Istine (Jul 28, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> I was surprised to drop a point for having her think in italics - I always use this convention. Perhaps I need to investigate whether I'm breaking the rules with that one. :!:
> 
> HC



I'm surprised at this too.  I was taught that italics is the way to do it but that single quotes are also acceptable.  The only reason I use single quotes is because I find it easier that way when writing by hand and I want to be consistent.


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## J Anfinson (Jul 28, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> I was surprised to drop a point for having her think in italics - I always use this convention. Perhaps I need to investigate whether I'm breaking the rules with that one. :!:
> 
> HC



There are no rules to break, other than grammar and coherence. Italics is common for thought but some readers prefer other means, which is why some judges might not like it. Everything you do in writing is a risk, and some judges might dock for valid things, but just like an editor, you won't always know their tastes and distastes. That's why I think part of the LM comes down to luck.


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## joshybo (Jul 28, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to the judges. Special thanks to Joshybo for giving me my first 20! :star:
> 
> Shinyford, HCA stands for Hans Christian Andersen (writing the whole thing would have pushed me over the word limit), and my character was obsessed with milk as I felt that it would give her more personality.
> 
> ...



No thanks necessary.  You earned the score with a solid story and no glaring errors.  Perhaps someday I'll know how it feels, too, haha.

For what it's worth, I also use italics for interior monologue or even imagined dialogue.  I've seen a lot of authors use it, as well, which is how I learned the technique.  I'm currently reading one of Clive Barker's novels and he's used it in both ways consistently throughout.  That said, it's hard for everyone to know all the various styles out there when judging, so I can understand mistakes being made.  It's unfortunate, but it happens sometimes.

And the milk quirk was brilliant, in my opinion.  It made the character feel awkward and adorable without having to say it outright.  It set up her interaction with the man perfectly.


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## escorial (Jul 29, 2015)

well done


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## shinyford (Jul 30, 2015)

HarperCole said:


> Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to the judges. Special thanks to Joshybo for giving me my first 20! :star:
> 
> Shinyford, HCA stands for Hans Christian Andersen (writing the whole thing would have pushed me over the word limit), and my character was obsessed with milk as I felt that it would give her more personality.
> 
> ...


Hm. Maybe the italics thing was a little harsh. I think you were about the third in a row I'd read that used the conceit, and it just jarred a bit. 

FWIW I use italics a lot too, just not for thought. I either use them to place stress on a word in a sentence, since I am too egotistical to trust the reader to do that correctly his or herself; or where a story is multi-POV, to make a visible difference to those passages from someone else's viewpoint. The latter, especially, is probably bad form I think, and very likely annoys - but it feels right to differentiate that way to me, and so I do. And I would undoubtedly lose points for doing so. Do what feels right to you, I guess I'm saying, and damn the critics' trousers.

Congrats to the winners BTW, and to all who took part. There's a visibly upward trend in the quality of writing in the LMs, which is just awesome to be part of in some small way.


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## Dubhthaigh (Aug 5, 2015)

Thank you judges, much appreciated


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## Bevo (Aug 7, 2015)

Great job everyone!

The quality and story's were very well done, everyone is a winner, some just get doodads!


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## Kepharel (Aug 7, 2015)

I'm glad this topic of italics has come up because I am playing around with an August entry which makes considerable use of this convention to signify thought processes v actual speech.  If it is to be penalised I don't think it worthwhile to continue to draft, and it's too late to think up some new idea.  Can anyone advise please?


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## shinyford (Aug 7, 2015)

Well, it was me who had an issue with it, and I'm not judging this time round so you're probably okay.


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## AtleanWordsmith (Aug 7, 2015)

I'm generally okay with whatever formatting an author chooses to use, so long as it's apparent what the formatting is for, so...


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## joshybo (Aug 7, 2015)

I'm judging this round and have no issue with the use of italics so there one out of six in favor of it.


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## Pluralized (Aug 7, 2015)

Same here. I like italics for inner monologue.


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