# Untitled Horror Story, scene one



## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

I still don't know how to reduce the type in my story posts, but I'm hoping you all won't mind the huge print for this.  This is the first scene of a horror story I'm now working on.  If you like it enough I will post the remaining scenes.  I really get encouraged by your insightful comments here to keep writing stories.  Thanks in advance for reading this.                                   
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UNTITLED HORROR STORY

Security Officer Gerard Ramsey tried to hold his pen steady as he wrote on the coffee-stained report sheet, “5:35 am: Hear noises in warehouse.”  Tossing the pen and clipboard aside onto the passenger seat, he grabbed his flashlight and left the security vehicle to investigate, his heart beating rapidly.

Why tonight of all nights? he thought as he approached the ramp that led up to the massive open-air warehouse.  He had promised to be at his brother's house by eight this morning to see his newborn niece.  What if he gets killed by whoever is in there? 

Even summer nights turned chilly at this hour, he thought, bracing himself as he stepped through the shadowy entrance.  He heard more noises coming from somewhere inside, louder now.  He shivered.

Gerard shined the flashlight beam onto the switch plate on the wall next to him and hit the lights.  As they flickered on, he squinted at the rows and rows of boxed goods and merchandise, stacked neatly on shelves twelve feet high.  He would have to check each aisle to find the source of the clamor.  He drew a deep breath.

He started at aisle one. No activity.  Same with the second and third aisles.  Onward it went, with the noises increasing with volume, until he rounded aisle fifteen and spotted a flash of darting movement near the opposite end.  Gerard thought he caught a glimpse of a bushy tail.  He sighed. At least it wasn't some crazed machete-wielding burglar.

Picking up his pace, he followed after the animal and went around the corner into aisle sixteen.  Then he stopped and stood gaping at the activity happening before him five feet away.

So this was where the noise was coming from.

A half-dozen, no, make that eight mangy-looking gray raccoons were clawing and biting their way into an overturned cardboard food carton that looked as big as a refrigerator.  They were yanking out several feet of strung sausages from torn holes with their paws and gnawing at them feverishly with pointed teeth.  They didn't seem to notice Gerard standing there scowling.                                                                                                                   

"SCAT!  SCAT!” he said, banging on the side of the long metal shelf with the back end of his flashlight.  The raccoons turned their furry heads toward Gerard with stuffed mouths.  Beady yellow eyes peered out through black robbers' masks. Then they all scampered off, heading in the direction of the ramp, striped tails bouncing in the air.  

Gerard was left alone in the middle of aisle sixteen, shaking his head at the mess he had to clean up.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

Please ignore this post (but not the story above!)  It got messed up and I tried to delete it.  Then I found out that you can't do that here.  ig:


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## Monsus (Jul 7, 2013)

Hi there,

I would really like to see where this story is going, so feel free to post the remaining scenes. I have just a few comments about it.

First, why is he writing the report while he is still at the scene and investigating? I always thought the whole point of a report is to reflect what happened after an event.
Second, as a reader I don't find it enjoyable going through many short sentences. For example: "He would have to check each aisle to find the source of the clamor. He drew a deep breath.He started at aisle one. No activity. Same with the second and third aisles." I guess what you are trying to do is create a particular emotion, as this is a horror story, but why don't you try to combine some of them.
Third, the part where you write that the officer thought he noticed a bushy tail. Actually, you don't say whether it really belongs to an animal or it's just his imagination(or maybe even something else) And when, in the next sentence, you write that he "followed after the animal" you are basically killing the suspense and letting us know that's it's just an animal and nothing supernatural.

Apart from that, I noticed some sentences which can benefit from a better punctuation but nothing that cannot be fixed with a bit of proofreading.

I hope I managed to be of some help to your writing. Make sure you post the next scenes soon


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## FleshEater (Jul 7, 2013)

This doesn't feel "right" to me. If this security guard was a veteran, I'm sure he'd be use to the lack of action around the place and would approach this situation with the attitude of, "What now?" not being afraid of possibly dying. However, if this is a newbie, sure, I could see him being scared. You could toss a tiny bit of background in there to justify his actions. 

What do the noises sound like? All your giving us are noises...I'm sure there would be more detail there in the moment.

Back to if this guy was scared, why didn't he pull his sidearm out?

This feels like it needs to pay attention a little closer to detail, but also needs just a smidgen of descriptors there to make it come alive.


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## tony0310 (Jul 7, 2013)

I agree with both of the comments above and before i criticise too let me just say that I liked what you have written.  You get into the story straight away and the few background character details you give work really well.  When I read it I wondered if you are American, (I am English) but then I saw you wrote 'clamor' rather than 'clamour' so I guess you are.  In England he would have 'shone' a flashlight (torch) rather than 'shined' one.  But the one thing that stopped me falling into the narrative was when you said even summer nights turn chilly at this hour.  But at the beginning you said it was 5:35,which is actually morning and not night.


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## Jeko (Jul 7, 2013)

To fix the text, there should be a button called 'remove format', second from the left. Next to 'switch to source editor mode', unless you're using a different interface to me.

This began well in my opinion. There's nice exposition of the threat that creates some real tension. Beyond the first paragraph, the tension slightly lost because of this line:



> What if he gets killed by whoever is in there?



The present tense isn't right, but I'd get rid of this line anyway. Imply, the threat. Don't openly talk about it.

Beyond that you get down to business, and rebuild the atmosphere. This is some very good writing. 



> Same with the second and third aisles.



'Aisles' isn't needed here. The sentence is better shorter; we know the narrator is talking about aisles.



> At least it wasn't some crazed machete-wielding burglar.



There was something slightly dodgy about this line the first time I read it. It might be too specific, or not relatable enough. You have a good opportunity for characterization here, through anecdote or some other response. This is weak, I feel, in comparison to what you can do. Considering the atmosphere.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

Hi Monsus, thank you for your helpful comments.  I agree with what you said about the report sheet.  The security procedure at the warehouse just wasn't made clear.  My fault.  One other problem the scene had was that it just wasn't creepy enough.  I have trouble creating a scary atmosphere.  Sorry about the short sentences; I guess I've been reading too much James Patterson.  I'll try combining some of them in the next installment.  Also, your comments about the raccoon and its bushy tail were well taken.  Thanks again.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

Hi FleshEater.  Yep, the nightly goings-on of the warehouse and its security guards should have been made clearer.  I couldn't decide if Gerard was a veteran or newbie therefore the confusion of how this character should react to the noises.  Speaking of which, I can see how not describing them in more detail can lead to a reader's frustration.  I'll try to remember all these things when I write the second scene.  Your comments are well appreciated!  Thanks for reading my story and writing to me.


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## J Anfinson (Jul 7, 2013)

As Cadence mentioned, you changed tense, which threw me off. You're pretty good at descriptions, I think, but I'm also thinking your pacing may be off. I have the same problem, and it takes lots of editing to get the flow right. The story is interesting though, I'd keep reading if you wanted to post more.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

Hey Tony0310.  Yep, I'm an American citizen, and I spell words like "colour" and "clamour" wrong    About the morning/night thing, how about: "Even summer nights turn chilly at this early morning hour."  Hope that helps.  Wow, you liked my scene.  What a great thing to hear; makes me want to finish the story tonight!  Thanks for reading it and for your comments.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

Cadence, you're a life-saver.  I was able to fix the paragraph spacing of the text after reading your post, so thanks for the help.  Getting the tenses mixed-up on my opening scene was inexcusable.  I'll have to watch for that when I write scene two.  I'm currently reading a book called "Show Don't Tell," which should help me to imply things like hidden danger and not just give it away.  Thanks for readin' and writin'!


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 7, 2013)

J Anfinson, hello and thanks for your comments.  I agree that pacing is tough to learn, but it is a must-know for horror.  Hopefully, it will develop slowly as I continue practicing writing.


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## Jeko (Jul 8, 2013)

> I'm currently reading a book called "Show Don't Tell,"



Beware of books that claim to help you with your writing - a lot (most) (literally, there are only a few good ones) of them were written by people who just wanted to make money. The greatest asset to your craft is the process it revolves around - writing. That, and reading.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 8, 2013)

Cadence -- The "Show Don't Tell" book only cost a buck, so I figured what the hey.  I haven't read it yet, but I'm betting Stephen King's "On Writing" is among the best (and he didn't need the money.)  But I do write horror fiction every day, and I think I'm learning more about what works and what doesn't by doing just that, so I know you're right.


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## Jeko (Jul 8, 2013)

> I haven't read it yet, but I'm betting Stephen King's "On Writing" is among the best (and he didn't need the money.)



Really good from what I've heard (and snippets I've read). The Elements of Style is the best, IMO.

Good to see you write every day. It shows in your work.


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## tony0310 (Jul 8, 2013)

Hi PitBull I really admire how welcome you take criticism and you are not too precious about what you have written to consider changes.  Yes I did really like the short piece you wrote.  I thought the pace was fine and it reminded me of American detective novels of the 50s.  That is neat.  I agree with earlier comments about giving too much away too soon as good horror often relies on what is imagined rather than what is seen.  Hitchcock was a master at this and also Stephen King, who didnt introduce his vampires until the stroy was well underway.  This story made me want to read more and that has to be the holy grail of all fiction.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 8, 2013)

Cadence, I bought a copy of Elements of Style back in '82 and it wasn't even for college.  That's when I obsessed about being a writer but gave up after about a year.  As you can tell, I've got the writing bug again, but now practice much more.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 8, 2013)

Tony0310, you just made my night!  I enjoy detective novels, too.  Back when I was a college student, I took a course called Detective Fiction where we read Hammett, Chandler, and Christie.  Now it looks like I'll have to reread King's 'Salems Lot to see how it's done.  I appreciate your kind words.  I should be posting Scene 2 of my Gerard story sometime this week.


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## Omi (Jul 8, 2013)

I love, love, love, love horror and so I'm going to try and help you here  Remember that this critique is only my opinions and observations and that I'm trying to help. I read the whole thing twice and collected my thoughts but will post my thoughts as they came to me while reading. Here we go...




PitbullBob1 said:


> Security Officer Gerard Ramsey tried to hold his pen steady as he wrote on the coffee-stained report sheet, “5:35 am: Hear noises in warehouse.”  Tossing the pen and clipboard aside onto the passenger seat, he grabbed his flashlight and left the security vehicle to investigate, his heart beating rapidly.
> 
> Why tonight of all nights? he thought as he approached the ramp that led up to the massive open-air warehouse.  He had promised to be at his brother's house by eight this morning to see his newborn niece.  What if he gets killed by whoever is in there?




This seems like a big jump to me, unnaturally so. Gerard, a presumably trained and semi-competent guard, hears noises and automatically thinks that someone is going to kill him? No chance of it being an animal or just some punk teenagers drinking cheap wine where they think they're safe? Most security guards do routine stuff and do not run into danger like that so where the heck is he working and what is he protecting that is worth being killed over? If what he is guarding is that important then he should be armed accordingly with a handgun, OC Spray, TASER or something similar. He does have a flashlight though. Heavy, metal flashlights (like the Maglite) are often used as batons by police officers and security personnel which could be a cool detail to add, I think. 

It does leave me with an impression of Gerard as the kind of man who spooks easy and jumps to rash conclusions. What impression are you trying to paint of Gerard? Am I on-spot?

 The part about the baby strikes me strangely but I can't really find the words why. I'll try though and forgive me if I word this poorly but it seems like you are leveraging the newborn to try very hard to make us care that Gerard could die. Oh no! The poor baby would be without an uncle and Gerard would never see it! As a parent who's going to college for criminal justice so that I can get into professional law enforcement and after talking with law enforcement and security officers, I can see where you were going with it and it is a very real fear (for both sides!) that you'll die on the job without seeing your family. So I understand it and I think it definitely could work but I feel as though the placement and execution of that sentence doesn't fit here. I would try to rework, reword or move it.




PitbullBob1 said:


> Even summer nights turned chilly at this hour, he thought, bracing himself as he stepped through the shadowy entrance.  He heard more noises coming from somewhere inside, louder now.  He shivered.



I feel like this would've been better if you'd just said: "Even summer nights turned chilly at this hour. He braced himself as he stepped through the shadowy entrance." I loved that line but it feels clunky when connected to Gerard's thoughts. I think shivering might be redundant here since you already said it was chilly but others would disagree with me. Your choice. 




PitbullBob1 said:


> Gerard shined the flashlight beam onto the switch plate on the wall next to him and hit the lights.  As they flickered on, he squinted at the rows and rows of boxed goods and merchandise, stacked neatly on shelves twelve feet high.  He would have to check each aisle to find the source of the clamor.  He drew a deep breath.



All good here. 




PitbullBob1 said:


> He started at aisle one. No activity.  Same with the second and third aisles.  Onward it went, with the noises increasing with volume, until he rounded aisle fifteen and spotted a flash of darting movement near the opposite end.  Gerard thought he caught a glimpse of a bushy tail.  He sighed. At least it wasn't some crazed machete-wielding burglar.



Woah. A machete-wielding burglar? That is quite a leap just from some noises. It is an animal though. 




PitbullBob1 said:


> Picking up his pace, he followed after the animal and went around the corner into aisle sixteen.  Then he stopped and stood gaping at the activity happening before him five feet away.





PitbullBob1 said:


> So this was where the noise was coming from.
> 
> A half-dozen, no, make that eight mangy-looking gray raccoons were clawing and biting their way into an overturned cardboard food carton that looked as big as a refrigerator.  They were yanking out several feet of strung sausages from torn holes with their paws and gnawing at them feverishly with pointed teeth.  They didn't seem to notice Gerard standing there scowling.



Food? He was guarding food? He believes that a machete-wielding maniac is going to want to burgle sausages and murder him for it? I could see being worried about a violent or drunk homeless person looking for a free meal, maybe.

I think that telling us the raccoons are gray is unnecessary, almost everyone knows what a raccoon looks like, including their coloration, and those who don't won't be able to picture them properly from such scant description anyway.  I also think you should replace "looked as big as a refrigerator" with "was as big as a refrigerator". Subtle difference but it reads stronger, the box is as big as a fridge or it isn't. Simple. I otherwise enjoy this, especially how you described the raccoons pulling the sausages.



PitbullBob1 said:


> "SCAT!  SCAT!” he said, banging on the side of the long metal shelf with the back end of his flashlight.  The raccoons turned their furry heads toward Gerard with stuffed mouths.  Beady yellow eyes peered out through black robbers' masks. Then they all scampered off, heading in the direction of the ramp, striped tails bouncing in the air.
> 
> Gerard was left alone in the middle of aisle sixteen, shaking his head at the mess he had to clean up.



I see why you left out the possibility of the noises simply being animals in the first paragraph; it would have ruined the ending and if Gerard would have assumed it was nothing and nonchalantly shooed the raccoons away then your wouldn't have a horror scene or the correct atmosphere of fright and "what-ifs". I understand that but still think taht it is a big leap in logic that could have been handled by Gerard fearing something else. Just my thoughts and I think it is good and I'm trying to be a s helpful as possible.


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## tony0310 (Jul 9, 2013)

All good points here by Omi except the summer nights sentence.  It is fine as it is and gives us an insight into the guard's mindset.  He doesnt like the cold, would rather be somewhere else and using the low temperature to metaphor his low spirits is a tour de force, so I say keep it in.
I have read a few expositions of stories by writers in thi site but to my mind this has the making of something really good.  If this book was on sale now I would buy it!


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hey Omi, indeed you are spot-on about the first two paragraphs.  I never did make it clear whether it was Gerard's first night at the warehouse or his hundredth.  Even now I'm working on his personality and what makes it tick.  I also thought your comment about the baby was helpful, it's important info but the line does need to be moved elsewhere. Also, the line about the machete-wielding burglar shouldn't even haven't been written, it was just plain lame writing on my part.  I must say I do appreciate you writing such a detailed and lengthy review.  I think I'll print it out, it's so good.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Tony0310, thanks for writing and your thoughts on the summer nights sentence.  Wow, my story's not even on sale yet, and I've already got a buyer lined up!     I'm almost done with scene two.  Can't wait to post it.


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## Keynine Lox (Jul 12, 2013)

Like said in other comments, the horror atmosphere still miss something.
Noise? Right. Weird noises in darkness are always scaring. They escort the protagonist, growing of intensity (good) since what (for my opinion) is the focus of the story. The skipping tail from the angle. It's right that raccoon tails are well reknownable, but in darkness you'll never besure of nothing, especially in a scary situation. Maybe something like: " Gerard thought he caught a glimpse of something. A black mass who disappear in the moment it was seen.(something like an head crawling on the ground?) Whatever was hiding over this corner, it was alive, and Gerard was in serious danger to be attacked from that in any moment.

Uhm..being attacked. Creepy moment. Adding here and there a "He was looking nervously around" can also help for the atmosphere.
Making all the sense of scare focused until the heart-stopping moment, and then the surprise where the life of the protagonist is no more in danger...or not. A good horror is not sure even after the last point.

Good choosing of terms. My translator program is burning.


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## PitbullBob1 (Jul 13, 2013)

Keynine Lox, those are some really good points.  They would all help in keeping the atmosphere tense (except where you mentioned "darkness"; remember Gerard turned on the lights before he saw the raccoon tail.)  I just posted Scene Two last night, BTW.  Thanks for reading Scene One.


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