# The Benefactor



## candid petunia (May 6, 2011)

*I*

I’m crying and I don’t know why,
my life knows no happiness
I lead a seemingly perfect life 
But I find myself in distress.


_Come, dear, and give me your heart._ 
Why trust you? What would I get back?
_Understanding company, one who cares,
and all that your life had lacked.
_

Will I be free from this emptiness I feel?
_I offer you love, and so much more.
You'd get someone who showed you joy
like no one has e'er done before._


Do I have to give anything in return?
_No, nothing but your heart and soul.
For in helping you to be happy,
I’m helping myself after all._



*II*

You’ve shown me joy and happiness,
and for that I’m grateful to you.
_Oh it was nothing (but I believe
a ‘thank you’ gift is due)._


I’ll get you a gift if that’s what you want.
_No, that’s not what I meant.
But if you insist, your prized possession
would be a good replacement._



*III*

_Let me in your deepest secrets
and your most intimate thoughts.
I do believe I have the right
since I’ve helped you a lot._


I’d gladly do all of that,
And I’m grateful to you once more.
But I feel I’m losing the serenity
that I used to feel before.


_You worry too much, my dear.
I'll keep you happy, I'll stay true._
You've stayed with me all this time,
I'm sorry for having doubted you.



*IV*

I don’t know why but now
the feeling’s growing strong.
I think that just maybe
you and I are wrong.


_Have I not shown you bliss till now?_
I know you have, but still…
_You doubt for no reason, listen to me
and I'll give you what you will._



*V*

Life’s not the same anymore,
I think I shall leave.
_Where do you think you’re going?_
Where I’d find relief.


_I won’t allow you to go._
Why don’t you, just once?
_You cannot even if you want to.
Oh, you’ve been such a dunce!_


_Though you had peace and joy before,
You weren’t content that way.
Now even if you give your all,
you cannot bid them stay._


_I now have the power to control you,
I can do what I will.
You’ve lost yourself (and surely now
I see you’ve to foot the bill)._


I don't understand? Why did you do this?
_Revenge! That's what it is for me.
I am surely going to go down,
so why should others be free?_


You’ve brought me here, so stay with me.
_Oh begone now! why should I?
I have to go, and by the way,
I think I hear someone cry._




A dialogue between the Devil and Man. Can also be taken to be between a Womanizer and a Woman.

I know this has room for a _lot_ of improvement. Was written around 3 years ago, and I had recently begun to write.


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## Trides (May 6, 2011)

Young Goodman Brown.
No, wait, never mind.
Pink Ribbons.
No. How about "The Boa Constrictor"?
No... "Devil's Snare," just like the plant in Harry Potter


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## candid petunia (May 7, 2011)

Hahahaha! I loved the "Devil's Snare", but the idea is not to let the people know it's about the Devil until the end.


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## Trides (May 7, 2011)

candid petunia said:


> Hahahaha! I loved the "Devil's Snare", but the idea is not to let the people know it's about the Devil until the end.


 Hmm... I dunno. That was pretty obvious starting from "give me your soul"...


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## candid petunia (May 8, 2011)

That's nice, then. My other friends couldn't guess until the end. I suppose I should change it to "Devil's Snare." Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Trides (May 8, 2011)

Yay


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## toddm (May 11, 2011)

a nice insidious piece - a good progression is laid out, and the pieces move around as if on a chessboard, or like a rat cornered by a snake, with room to move, but no way to escape
perhaps something like "The Benefactor" or would be a good ironic title, although the Devil's Snare does fit nicely if you don't mind showing your cards at the beginning
good work!
---todd


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## candid petunia (May 11, 2011)

Aww loved how you interpreted it. I wanted an ironic title, but Trides here said it was apparent from the beginning.  And no one else had come along so I changed it. Hmm I wonder what the moderators would say if I asked to change it again... :-k
Thanks for the feedback!


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## toddm (May 11, 2011)

candid petunia said:


> Aww loved how you interpreted it. I wanted an ironic title, but Trides here said it was apparent from the beginning.  And no one else had come along so I changed it. Hmm I wonder what the moderators would say if I asked to change it again... :-k
> Thanks for the feedback!



it's not too obvious, but if you consider making the line "Surrender yourself and give me your soul" instead something like: "Love me and give me your soul", then it may seem at first to be a kind of romantic banter between lovers


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## candid petunia (May 11, 2011)

Done. Changed it to _Commit yourself and give me your soul_. Thank you.


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## Flapjack (May 12, 2011)

I really enjoyed reading this. Made me think of my high school days analyzing YGB. Like I think Trides said, it is very apparent from the beginning your refering to satan. If you wanted it to be more sly you could use the metaphor of a lover courting.  

ex:

I’m crying and I don’t know why,
my heart knows no happiness
Though I have a perfect life 
I find myself in lonely distress.


_My dear, why not give me all you heart._ 
Why trust you, what would I get back?
_Understanding company, one who cares,_
_and all that your life had lacked._


Will I be free from the emptyness I feel?
_I offer you love, hope and so much more._
_You’d get someone who showed you joy_
_like no one who has come before._


Do I have to give anything in return?
_No, nothing but your heart and soul._
_For in helping you to be happy,_
_I’m helping myself after all._


It's far from perfect but you see where I'm going. If it were me I might write it like that and then expose the truth toward the end. Maybe instead of  

What did you get by doing this?
_By stealing people’s peace of mind,_
_I make sure I’m not alone,_
_Like me, they stay confined._

I would say

Why did you do this to me, to us
_Ah, my dear, you still don't know_
_I am lonely too, here in the dark_
_with more of you, the feeling goes _

Once again, just a quick edit but you get the idea. You could compare turning to evil to falling in love. The honeymoon of courtship, the requirement of commitment, and the unbreakable grasp is seems to have after giving in to it.


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## candid petunia (May 12, 2011)

I get the idea. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I really appreciate it. As I said, I knew it had room for a lot of improvement. And true, being trapped by the Devil _is_ kind of falling in love... It all seems so beautiful in the beginning. Will go through it.


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## candid petunia (May 13, 2011)

Would it be bumping if I've made changes in the poem, and I want to ask whether it looks better now, or whether it's too obvious even now as well? :???: :neutral: (I don't make sense. I'm sorry too.)


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## Chesters Daughter (May 13, 2011)

Ugh, twenty lashes with a wet noodle for you, Ms. Farah, stop saying sorry. It's true forum policy dictates self bumping as being something that's deeply frowned upon under any circumstances. The only exception is when you've done an edit, (and not something so slight as removing a comma, lol) for how can you receive feedback if no one is aware you've made changes? Another way to let people know is to ask a Mod to add edit to your title. You edited today and then asked for feedback, which is fine, love. I still owe you a reply on this, I'll be back either later today or tomorrow morning.

Best,
Lisa


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## Chesters Daughter (May 14, 2011)

I'm not privy to all of the changes you've made, but this version works well for me. You've disguised his intentions well using the love affair theme well to your advantage. You've captured the deceptive bugger quite well, indeed. I do have one question though. In section V, S1, L4, I'm stumbling. 

Life’s not the same anymore,
I think I shall leave.
Where do you think you’re going?
Where I’d find relief.

You've italicized the final line which would indicate Satan is speaking, but I think it may be your victim's reply, stating the reason for their departure, so the italics should go. If it is in fact Satan, then the line should be rephrased: Where would I find relief? as if he were indicating the victim's suffering is a soothing balm to Satan himself, then the italics should remain. I liked this heaps, the progression works well and you've disguised your culprit quite nicely with whatever changes you've made. It's a big longish and could probably be condensed a bit, but being one whose pieces go on forever, I'm little help in that department. Nicely done, love, concept and execution.

Best,
Lisa


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## candid petunia (May 14, 2011)

Hehe alright, I'll stop saying sorry. 

And you're right there - it was supposed to be the victim's reply. Corrected it now. 

Thanks for the feedback, Lisa. Appreciated.


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## Firemajic (Jun 5, 2011)

I really love this one! Sooo beguiling ...offering every thing----giving nothing...Turning your weakness into weapons of destruction! Good work Candid Petunia!! Thanks-Peace--Jul


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## candid petunia (Jun 8, 2011)

Thank you, Jul.


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